This is a collection of Status Updates and Tweets over the last three years. Some of them are a little funny, some just about manageable, and some might drive you to slit your wrists. In my efforts to be inclusive to all levels of sense of humours, I have included jokes of all standards.

************************

Jennifer Lopez never laughs her ass off.

Steve Jobs secretly designed the iPad so that one could roll joints on them while watching a video in HD.

Alia Bhatt just drank some nice beer. Peeliya Bhatt. Hehe

‪#‎TooMuchOfAGoodThing? ‪#‎DoIMeanBeerOrTheJoke? ‪#‎HashtagDeep

Modi tells a group of doctors that Karna was born due to genetic engineering.

‪#‎BacheDin

Pani da rang vekh ke

Pani da rang vekh ke

Pani da rang vekh ke

Peddler ko Thank You keh diye.

During my +2, I wore photochromatic spectacles and had Tere Naam hairstyle.

In other words, my Inter was not Stellar.

My day is incomplete without listening to a random guy bellow out Aashiqui 2 songs in the bathroom.

Just learnt that there is a superhero in the DC universe called Knightfall.

Now that’s one superhero all guys grew up with.

What does Arnab Goswami pack when he goes on a trip?

A towel, clothes, and a punch.

Always.

For years, I’d wake up, switch off the alarm on my phone and sleep off. Till I downloaded an app that makes you solve cute mathematic problems.

Now I wake up and fling my own phone at the wall.

I’d like to share a drink with the guy who thought of casting Jackie Shroff as Sai Baba.

I used to think Feni was a harsh, difficult drink.

But that was my galat feni.

Bible: ‘Love Thy Neighbour…’

Indian scripture: … ‘only if she belongs to your caste’.

PK was just a rehash of 3 Idiots. And hash is not so great the second time.

That awkward moment when your Facebook year in review has more Jackie Shroff pictures than your own.

What did the Gujarati feel when his girlfriend left him?

KLPD. Khade lund pe dhokla.

Ashutosh Gowariker suffers from Biopia.

Tarzan loves taking quizzes. Especially those wild guesses.

I was walking on a road drunk when I met a Hollywood actor. I’m like, ‘Hey, are you Matthew McConnaghehehe…’

My first night in Gujarat, I dreamt of Sunny Leone. Dressed in a red saree, she spoke to me for hours, till we got closer and closer. And then, she invited me to her room –

– and handed me a plate of dhokla. ‘Sorry sweetheart’, she said, ‘no wet dreams in a dry state’.

Ramdev Ice Cream

‪#‎OnlyInGujarat

Hi, I’m God. I’m all merciful, kind, giving, and gracious.

However, if you draw a picture of my messenger, you’ll be shot in the head, while people scream my name in your ears.

Also, religion of peace, yo!

So does one say I is a good film. Or I am a good film?

‪#‎GrammarNaziDoubts ‪#‎NewTamilFilmNamedI ‪#‎WhatTheFuckSortOfANameIsI ‪#‎ThinkImGettingAHangOfHashtags

When I’m 60, I’d like to take a trip to Viagra Falls.

Freudian Slip: When you’re in the shower and your mom knocks to hand you the towel, slips on the soap, and lands in your arms.

‪#‎ReadingFreud ‪#‎PleaseDontJudge

If the anticipation of meeting her doesn’t make you hard, it’s not love.

It is Dharma Productions.

Arun Lal once had five pegs of whiskey.

He became Jhoole Lal.

I want to marry a masseuse. So that even if she rubs me the wrong way, there’ll be some relief.

Aaj phir dil ne ek Tamanna ki

Aaj phir dil ko humne samjhaya

Translation:

Today again, Hriday did Tamannah

Today again, we asked him to go easy.

Today being Hug day, main toh subah subah hug liya.

‪#‎IKnow ‪#‎IAmSorry

I’m confused about which university to apply next.

In the words of Shah Rukh Khan, “Main DU ya HCU, karoon main kya karoon…”

Sometimes, I love Salman Khan. Other times, I hate him.

Guess I’m Bhaipolar.

Where the mind is without fear

And the head is held high

Aunty police bulayegi

Phir bhi party yun hi chalegi

‪#‎YoYoHoneySinghRedoesClassics

Behold her, single in the field,

Yon solitary Highland Lass!

Aaja mere saath kudiye

Dikhadoon apna class.

‪#‎YoYoHoneySinghRedoesClassics

#‎YoYoHoneySinghRedoesClassics

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

Ahem… Like your vagina.

‪#‎YoYoCantDoItNoMore ‪#‎HarBaatKiEkLimitHotiHaiBencho

Poetic justice : When Gulzar slaps Honey Singh for his lyrics.

The cat didn’t like the video. It pressed paws.

Lucky Ali loves mosambi so much, he wrote a song on it.

Mosambi yaar hai…

Hindu Mahasabha to marry off people who express love on Facebook.

I love you, Nargis Fakhri.

*rushes off to buy wedding suit* #ValentinesDayChutiyap

If Karan Johar remakes Train to Pakistan, he’ll name it Chhuk Chhuk Hota Hai.

I have finally decided to deal with my masturbation problem.

I have stopped being alone in my room, started to think of my girlfriend’s disappointment every time I feel the urge.

I have also put a picture of Sushma Swaraj as my desktop wallpaper.

If I were the Indian coach, I’d ask Raina to stick to his natural game. I’d be like ‘Raina tu, hai jaisa tu’.

My favourite philosopher is Michel Phooko.

My friend has a girl friend. I am not my friend.

I masturbate at home.

I go solo.

‪#‎ChutiyaWorldCupAds

Animals are known to mark their territory in a number of ways. Some of them use sounds and signals, others their scent, or urine.

The Indian man sticks his underwear sticker on the bathroom door.

Just gave lift to a random dude who heard my bike’s sound and asked me to get it serviced. If I continued to use it like this, it’ll develop problems in a year.

Guess he was a Castrologer.

To Lord Shiva, Happy Birthday to you.

To those keeping fast, happy Vrathday to you.

‪#‎Sorry ‪#‎BadJoke ‪#‎VeryStoned

I’ll know I’ve made it in life when I wear a pinstriped suit that says ‘Naam toh suna hoga’. #ModiSuit

I feel really happy when there’s booze planned for the night.

It sends Chivas down my spine.

South Africa will have to use all their research, experience, and knowledge to win this match.

Amla matters.

Thank god Ishant Sharma isn’t playing. Amla is known to be good for hair.

This guy is not human. He should simply call himself AB Devil Ears.

The South African team shouldn’t lose heart. They must get back together as a team, spend some time, probably watch a film.

I have a suggestion – Choker Bali. #IndVsSA #WC2015

I’m so intellectual – I first watched Arundhati, now I’m going to watch Roy.

Idle mind is devil’s workshop.

Idle brain is a Telugu film website.

The next time I’m in bed, I’ll ask her to stub a burning beedi on my skin.

Guess I’m into Beedi-SM.

‪#‎50ShadesOfShadyJokes

This whole business of seeing white and gold as blue and black?

Sanjay Leela Bhansali knew this shit decades ago.

#TheDress

I love how there’s an SBI ATM right next to the Harley Davidson showroom.

As if to remind people ki aukaat mein reh, withdraw 100 rupees and fuck off.

What did the gay truck driver say to his partner?

Ashok, Ley land.

At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will change their DP to India flag.

Tomorrow, they will go back to Honey Singh.

A wife waited for her husband to return from work. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, but he did not return.

Frustrated, she gouged her eyes out and ate them. And then she sang,

‘Kha li hai, tere bina donon akhiyan. Tum gaye, kahaan?’

Wolverine tried his hand at farming once.

He grazed the cows.

Why did Chetan Bhagat’s girlfriend go to the Raymond Store?

She wanted to be The Complete Girlfriend.

#HalfGirlfriend #ChutiyaBooksWithChutiyaTitles

Once upon a time, a graffiti artist was painting on an abandoned wall. He sprayed the word ‘Curiousity’ and left. A cat was watching from the other end of the road. Cats know about things like spellings.

The cat darted across the road to correct the spelling. A speeding cab ran over it.

Curiosity.

Uday Chopra breaks up with Nargis Fakhri. Success seems to have gotten to his biceps.

What do you call a filmmaker who had no access to LAN while growing up?

Christopher NoLan.

#KapilBoleTohROFLMainBolunTohTOEFL

I tried to file my IT returns.

I found it quite TDS.

Govinda is walking down the road. A girl stops him and tells him a joke.

‘Lol’, says Govinda, ‘Lol lol hothon pe gori kiska naam hai’.

Waiting for BJP supporter to run into the ground, slap a Swiss player, and yell “Humara paisa dede”.

Every team I support plays valiantly for most of the match, and then gives it away in the last moment.

Which Mahabharata character am I? I am Abhimanyu.

I think the main problem is that it is called ‘Sex’ education.

If they named it Mahatma Gandhi National Population Control Scheme, nobody would mind. Just saying.

“Pregnancy is bad. The ovary should call the sperm bhaiyya and request him, then it can be averted.” – Ass Aaram Bapu.

4 out of 5 dentists approve of Suarez’s teeth.

I knew the match was lost when Balotelli was taken off.

Kyunki ek haath se Italy nahi bachti.

Sunil Chhetri breaks the speed of sound every time he speaks.

Everythingsoundslikethisalljumbleduptogetherandsoundinglikeshit.

What is Amit Shah’s favourite apparel brand?

Spykar.

Never recite a poem to a Gujju person. They’re always thinking of money.

You say ‘Ek Soch Hai’, and they think ‘Ek sau che’.

They should make a TV serial about a girl who gets married and refuses to cook hot food for her in-laws.

And name it Sasuraal Simmer Ka.

If a soldier is never off duty, why name the film ‘Holiday’?

Why not name it Work From Home??

I took the ‘Which Mahabharata character are you?’ quiz.

Main samay hoon.

Every place I’ve eaten, Lachha parathas are always bad.

If they were any good, they’d be called Achha Paratha.

The Amma Salt initiative in Tamil Nadu is fantastic.

It contains the crux of two of the most powerful statements.

Mere paas Maa hai. Maine uska namak khaya hai.

What do you call an Oriya man who is very generous, always giving?

Mr. Akshay Patra.

Every time there is a rape in UP, Akhilesh Yadav’s nose grows half an inch longer.

Tiger Shroff is so pretty, they should rename the film ‘Hero panty’.

Loose motions.

Sab ko aati nahi. Meri jaati nahi.

Sherlock Holmes eats food. It comes out of his elementary canal.

#DisgustingJoke? #Well,KabhiKhushiKabhiGham

Yeh duniya…duniya Uppal di,

duniya Uppal di….

Baby Doll main Koti di.

#HyderabadiSunnyLeone

If Vohra was in the Hyderabad team, people would say, “Aye Vohra, kya hora?”

‘Jodha – Akbar finally make love’.

Very good, boss. Now they should rename the show as Chodha Akbar.

#CheapJoke #DealWithIt

What is this 30 Day Ab Challenge Event that people are attending? Do they serve chicken there?

Aurangzeb would never get to become a Death Eater.

He’s Mughalblood.

If you want to troll the BJP, call them up and say, ‘Hey, Modi is an asshole.’

As soon as they begin hunting for your address, say ‘I meant Lalit Modi. Jai Siya Ram.’

As the new HRD Minister, Smriti Irani should change the name of Benares Hindu University to School for Advanced Academic Sciences.

Then she can happily point at it and sing, ‘Kyunki SAAS bhi kabhi BHU thi’.

#PressureToCrackPoliticalJokes #PleaseForgive

When I am stoned, I love to read Roald Dahl.

But then I feel hungry, and I prefer Moong Dahl.

Harbhajan lifts Nita Ambani again.

It was quite an uplifting match.

Have you watched the new film starring Tigress Hoff?

Hrithik Roshan is the only guy who says ‘Thumbs up’, and means it.

What would you name a Mallu kid who turns out to be a prodigy?

Pheno Menon.

#FuckYouItsFunny

Aao yaaron, milke gao.

LOLMAX, ROFLMAO.

-Honey Singh.

IPL will always be remembered as the tournament when the most popular cricketers come to India and shoot embarrassing ads for local Indian brands.

I don’t know why they named it Ragini MMS 2.

Shouldn’t it be Ragini 2nd MMS?

Anybody else notice that Arnab has changed his hairstyle for Election Day?

May be it’s not just chance. May be it’s his personal message to the nation. May be it’s his way of showing India that change is coming.

Or maybe his hairstylist is going to get stabbed tonight.

How life changes!

In childhood, when I used to suck at Math, it would give me sleepless nights.

Now, I play 2048 till I fall asleep.

Life has taken a complete 370 degree turn.

Why are people raving so much about the Modi wave? I have seen no Modi wave. What is a Modi wave?

– Indian Ocean.

Why did Shah Jahaan cut off the hands of the labourers who built the Taj Mahal?

He lost his marbles.

If Ben Affleck was Indian, his mother would call him and say, “Beta, yeh sab chhod do. Dekho log kya keh rahe hain!”

#BatMaa

Having hired Ben Affleck as Batman, they should now cast a lady from Gujarat as Catwoman.

Then they can introduce the two. ‘Ben, this is ben.’

I love Cersei Lannister. She’s so hot.

– Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam.

What happened when the bird took the test?

It came out in flying colours.

Why was Chiranjeevi terrible at geometry?

Every time he drew a line, he tried to jump it.

How to kill mosquitoes effectively:

1. Drink a lot of booze

2. There will be lot of alcohol in blood

3. Mosquitoes will suck blood, get tipsy, move slowly

4. SPLAT !!

It’s called Rava Dosa because when it refuses to come off the pan, you have to coax it saying, ‘Raava, please?’

#TeluguJoke #ItsFunnyFuckYou

Baba Ramdev is very good at yoga.

He can take his foot and put it right into his mouth. With ease.

Aparichit on Zee Cinema HD.

Where Vikram plays a Bengali man.

Earlier, I used to read The Hindu. Now, I wipe my ass with it.

After eating chicken.

These days, I wait for the IPL only for all those offers on beer that bars offer.

They should rechristen it Manoranjan ka bewda baap.

Once there was a Dude. He had a ponytail. He was an insufferable prick, trying to be cool all the time.

One day, the neighbours decided enough is enough, and chopped his pony off. To their surprise, he started behaving normally.

A few elders watching from the sides remarked, “Dude ka dude, Aur pony ka pony ho gaya.”

Why is it a Dry Day on Hanuman Jayanti?

Hanuman was a bachelor, after all. I’m sure he’d understand!

If you work at The Hindu, you can never crack a non-veg joke.

In India, you have two major political ideologies.

There’s the Left, and then there’s the Riot.

Once, Muralitharan was going to his bowling mark when he saw his captain Ranatunga really worried.

“What happened, skipper?” Murali asked.

“Nothing,” said Ranatunga. “Chuck it!”

Murali nodded and went to bowl the over.

I love how the change in weather affects my moods.

When it was sunny, I wanted a beer. Now it’s raining, I want rum.

Watched Modi’s interview on Aap ki Adalat.

Sometimes he’s so funny, he’s a riot.

These days, the most exercise I do is Skip Ads.

Boys make mistakes. They get hard. They should remain mulayam.

A quarter of Rum costs 90 rupees. It’s Rum Navami.

Breaking News: Fans stone Undertaker’s house for losing his 21 streak run in Wrestlemania.

Undertaker steps out, lifts them up by their collars and beats the shit out of them.

I’m sitting next to a guy who has been picking his nose for the last half an hour.

God nose what’s in it !!

Dhoni’s house and Yuvraj’s house are hanging out. Dhoni’s house is talking, but Yuvraj’s house isn’t listening.

‘What’s up, yo?’ Dhoni’s house asks.

‘I got stoned,yo’ Yuvraj’s house says.

After doing Math, one feels a tired, fatigued, destroyed feeling.

That feeling is called Aftermath.

The moon is visible from the Great Wall of China.

Just realised why Uday Chopra’s career was so shortlived.

He’s the only actor to have starred in ‘Charas’ and ‘Supari’.

Look at what happened to Mukesh!!

Using a Nokia phone is the only time you don’t mind people asking you ‘Abey, tera patla pin hai ya mota pin?’

And you don’t mind saying, ‘Nahi yaar. Mera patla pin hai.’

The Congress has launched a campaign called RaGa milk.

I’m curious to see how much milk was added to the water!

I was going to send a post card to New Delhi.

But I’m scared it will get raped.

What did the Hyderabadi guy say to his girlfriend?

‘Ooh ooh aah aah sexy eyes. I’m gonna take you to Paradise.’

Now that Penguin India has banned the book and made all remaining copies into pulp, Coca Cola should put all of it in bottles and sell it as Pulpy Saffron.

Don’t you love how BJP fanboys will share a picture of a man everyday, look at him with love and affection, watch and share videos of him.

And yet are against Section 377?

Rahul Gandhi goes to a showroom and buys a new computer.

Then he sits down, and opens the entire computer – part by part.

‘Why are you doing that, sir?’

‘You see,’ he says, ‘the system needs to be opened up. That’s the real issue.’

I love Salman Khan.

He’s so concerned about the environment, that he doesn’t do films that have scripts printed on pages and pages of paper.

With each and every Pub in the country shut,

Happy Relic Day.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Allah.

Allah who?

Allah hoo, Allah hoo, Allah hoo… Allah hoo, Allah hoo, Allah hoo.

Oh, Nusrat saab! Aaiye, aaiye!!

The other day I met Honey Singh on the road.

‘Hey, dude. Want a cigarette?’ I asked him.

‘Yo yo,’ he said.

I gave him two cigarettes.

After Sonia Gandhi’s statue, another Congress MLA built a statue of Shaktimaan.

It simply raised its hand, and flew off.

What did Shakespeare say to his farting friend?

‘Why dost thou do thusss?’

My friend visited Europe.

Now when he feels Hungary, he eats Italy.

It’s important to give people their space.

Without space, a fun gal becomes fungal.

What do you call a spiritual leader who rapes, but yet his ass is comfortable.

Ass aaram Bapu.

What do you call a cucumber that motivates people?

Shiv Kheera.

What did Ganesha say when he was offered some tasty modaks?

‘More,ya’

The nation’s top lawyer says that the raped girl has an illness that draws her to men.

Next, he’ll say Asaram woke up that morning, used some Axe deo, and girls started running after him.

Two smart girls went to Asaram’s ashram.

‘Hari Om’ he said.

They hurried home.

There are only two kinds of people in the world.

One is one kind. The other is the other kind.

I hope India’s Mars Mission is successful.

Then we call it Sri Rajiv Gandhi Mangal Graha.

If I ever have a son, I’ll name him Sachin.

And then, till he’s forty, give him grief saying, “When Sachin was of your age…”

What do Harry Potter and Arvind Kejriwal have in common?

They used the Broom spectacularly.

I’m at a shop, confused if I should buy Chewing Gums or Bubble Gums.

May be I should wait for the Supreme Court to decide for me.

May be Nargis Fakhri is a good actress.

I’d give her the benefit of pout.

My friend visited Europe.

Now when he feels Hungary, he eats Italy.

What did Shakespeare say to his farting friend?

‘Why dost thou do thusss?’

After Sonia Gandhi, another MLA built a statue of Shaktimaan.

It simply raised its hand, and flew off.

I had heard a lot about Congress’ grand 500 crore PR plan for Rahul Gandhi.

Just saw one of their ads on the Comedy Nights with Kapil channel.

Product placement.

The other day I met Honey Singh on the road.

‘Hey, dude. Want a cigarette?’ I asked him.

‘Yo yo,’ he said.

I gave him two cigarettes.

Dear Telangana and Andhra,

Happy Friendship Day.

Love, Chandigarh!

If the entire of world cricket was the story of Mahabharata, the present India-Zimbabwe series is the bit where Shakuni gets married and has two children.

It would be amusing if one went up to Yes Bank and asked for a loan.

And they said ‘No’.

Why was the stoner happy?

Hyderabad is going to be the Joint Capital.

What did one B- Grade Madras film producer ask another?

“Have you done Silk lately?”

You know why Dove is constantly asking you to apply Dove on one cheek and normal soap on the other?

Gandhi said that if someone slaps you on one cheek, show the other.

And Dove is the symbol of peace and non violence.

Never have Italian food. You know what they say. Your pasta always comes back to haunt you.

Fathers are always expected to be bread winners.

Hence the term ‘Pita Bread’.

The only real transparent system in India? Railways’ toilets. You do your stuff,it goes directly on the tracks. No corruption happening there

What movie did Ceaser go to watch with Brutus? Ek Main Aur Et Tu.

There should be an app for people who get excited by Facebook. It should be called ‘f-app, f-app’.

It’s important to give people their space.

Without space, a fun gal becomes fungal.

If India played the Ashes series, religious groups would have demanded that the series be renamed the ‘Vibhuti’ series.

You know why ‘The Avengers’ didn’t have Shaktimaan in it?

He would beat up Loki, tie him up, and bring him to New Delhi. Then he’d ask him to shake hands with his brother Thor and never shout at family members again.

The film would be done in fifteen minutes. The rest of the heroes would be The Scavengers.

The unemployed youth stepped into his house late in the night.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” his father asked.

“Bond,” he said, and turned to his father, “Vagabond.”

Sreesanth arrives in Kerala to a rousing welcome.

Goes to prove how much of a difference there is between Literacy and Common Sense.

If Gandhi was alive today, he wouldn’t approve of Rahman’s music.

There’s too much Sax and Violins.

POSCO comes to Orissa.

Naveen Patnaik: What do you want?

POSCO: Teri Ore, Teri Ore, Teri Ore….

Dear fellow Indians, the government has drafted an anti-rape Bill. Which means, it is illegal for you to rape. Thanks.

The ‘Do I have chutiya friends?’ test.

Go to the IIPM page. See which of your friends liked the page.

Dear Telecom companies,

Remember how you jack up SMS prices before a New Year’s or any major festival?

Well, this year, you can go fuck yourself.

Yours truly,

Whatsapp user.

Suraj hua madham #SolarEclipse

Chand jalne laga #LunarEclipse

Aasman yeh haye kyun pighalne laga #OzoneLayerHole

Main thehra raha zameen chalne lagi #Earthquake

Damn!! Karan Johar was the first to predict the coming doomsday.

Whenever Rohit Sherry signs a film, he orders for 10 Tata Sumos and fills up the tanks with Red Bull.

The Brutally Honest Friends’ IQ Test 1)Show trailer of Chennai Express2)Notice if friend laughs3)If yes, club to death.

Honest.Brutal.

What is Rajeev Masand’s favourite chocolate? Cadbury’s Three and a Half Star. #EveryFuckingFilm

If I have a rapist son,I won’t help him escape. I’ll clone him and get a Genetically Modified son. And call him Bt Mohanty.

If Sehwag wants to return to the Indian team,he should pay Sreesanth to bowl to him for a month.He’ll get his timing and confidence back.

If Ravi Shastri says something interesting this IPL, they’ll give him the Star Plus ‘Finally, Ek Naya Soch award’.

Pandu and Dhritrashtra are taking a walk, and Dhritrashtra seems sad. Pandu: Why are you sad? Dhritrashtra: I have lots of issues.

Every Valentines Day, there is a battle between the pennies, and the penis.

Why did The Joker kill the members of Coldplay? They kept singing, “God put a smile upon your face.”

What is Ravana’s favourite car? I, ten.

If Victor Hugo wrote an epic play about homosexuals, it would be called ‘Les Bians’.

Many girls have been sending love letters to Ravinder Jadeja. They tie letter to pigeon, and sing ,”Kabootar Ja De Ja, Kabootar Jadeja”

Harry Potter is sleeping next to his wife. He wakes up with a jolt and asks her, “Honey, can I use the Cruciatus curse on you?” “What do you take me for?” she asks, “A Ginny Pig?”

Ravi Shastri goes to a fruit market. “That’s plum,” he says, “No doubts about it.”

How do you know if someone is a genuine asshole? Look for the Asshologram.

What did Domino’s say to its competitor? “Chal, Hut!”

A day after Slapgate, Sreesanth called Harbhajan his brother. A week back, he called him a backstabber. I think Harbhajan is a back-stabbing brother. Like Sugreeva.

What did the gay Telugu guy say when he went to Italy? “Naaku Roberto Cavalli.”

In the pages of history, the Babri Masjid episode will be known as RamPage.

What did Castro tell Guevera? “Kai ko, Che?”

Arindam Chaudhri has a phoney tale.

When the going gets tough, the tough get Boeing #AirIndia

After Rahul Gandhi was ‘elected’ Vice President of Congress: Sonia: (wiping away emotional tears) “I’m weepy.” Rahul: “No, momma. I’m VP… (looks around)…right?…wait, what?”

What’s the yogic posture that makes you a better actor?

Kamalhaasan.

Dhoni: “Hey Cheteshwar. We are playing cricket. You do Puja, ra!”

What do you call a spiritual guru who can make the most idiotic comments and still keep his ass safe? Ass-aaram Bapu.

What do you call a misunderstood Goan drink? Galat Feni.

A hard disk crash is as painful as a hard dick’s crash. – Sigmund Fraud.

If Ringo Starr sucked, the band would be called ‘The Beatless’

Where did the Mallu techie couple go for their honeymoon? Cozy code.

I’m surprised how Indians never win any Olympic medals in short distance sprints. We run from pillar to post on a daily basis.

Have you seen that film where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are Indian politicians living across each other’s houses? It’s called You’ve Got Maal.

What did Julius Caeser say when he was given a Samsung smart phone? “S 2, Brutus?”

I sit on my plans, they eventually hatch. #BestLaidPlans

You know a film is going to suck when Arjun Rampal says, “Maine tere fees apni scholarship ke paison se bhar diya”.

Many ages ago, on this day, a lot of monkeys were thinking, “Damn, do we have to build that bridge back again?” #Dussehra

When served Food for Thought, Readers Digest.

Yawning is contagious. That’s why they call it ‘yawn rog’.

Why did the cockroach fall in love with the cleaning lady? She swept him off his feet.

All of you worrying about the worms found in KFC, just drink some Coke. Coke was found to have pesticides.

Shobha De wanted to interview Ravinder Jadeja.

He said,”Ja, De. Ja!”

Eminem came to Hyderabad and went to Numaish.

He doesn’t sing ‘Not Afraid’ these days.

Did you hear of this charitable Oriya guy? Whatever you asked him, he would give.

His name was Akshay Patra.

The only advantage in being a chronic masturbator is that you are really good at Fruit Ninja.

A famous scientist was sitting in a bar. The barman asked,” Hey, how do you find the bar?”

“Oxygen Potassium”

Suraj hua madham #SolarEclipse

Chand jalne laga #LunarEclipse

Aasman yeh haye kyun pighalne laga #OzoneLayerHole

Main thehra raha zameen chalne lagi #Earthquake

Damn!! Karan Johar was the first to predict the coming doomsday.

What did the Oriya say when he was asked to vote for Narendra Modi?

Na, mo?

What did the Vaanar Sena sing before going to Lanka for the war?

“Humko monkey shakti dena…..”

You know why a lazy person is called ‘aalsee’ in Hindi?

Whenever you ask him to do anything, he says “I’ll see.”

Ingredients bought, baked, and eaten.

– Life of Pie.

Remember, as a child, how we’d feel guilty after masturbating?

Taking a walk on the roads the day after Diwali is a bit like that.

If a belly dancer settles in Hyderabad, where will she stay?

Shaikpet.

So will a stray cat found in Banjara Hills be called hillbilly?

Who’s the only superhero without any costume?

Early Man

If you aren’t using protection, the song you should be singing is ‘Risk wala love’.

Why didn’t Kunal Khemu’s career take off and soar?

Kunal Kh-Emu # Explanation #EmuFlightlessBird

Sachin: Dude, I scored.

Kambli: Me too, dude. Amazing stuff. Where you scored?

Sachin: Wankhede.

Kambli: Fuck! You get stuff at Wankhede these days?

Sachin: I scored a century dude. What the fuck you talking about?

Kambli: Ahem…nothing. *hangs up*

Why does Digvijay Singh hate the internet?

Because it has all those RSS links.

If the Pandavas were alive today, India would win Gold medals in Archery, Fencing, Javelin Throw, Wrestling, and Weightlifting.

But then Yudhistir would walk up to the Organising Committee and confess that they are sons of Gods.

“With great power comes huge electricity bill.”

“What happened to the guy who put on the condom inside out?

He went.”

I wanted to quit alcohol.

Then my friend gave me Anti Quity.

If Angelina Jolie adopts any more kids, she will be called Womb Raider.

Director Anubhav Sinha announces that he will make one horror film a year.

He made a good beginning with Ra.One last year.

My friend bought a Hayabusa. He has great fun zipping in and out of petrol pumps.

In Hyderabad, it always rains kitten and puppies.

What is the Congress Party’s favourite biscuit? Parleji

Why did youtube fall ill? All those viral videos, man!

Planning Commission says 35 lakhs renovation was regular repair for public use. Shit Happens….at 17.5 lakhs per room.

Unlike the many Miss Indias, the Mr. Indias never get any fame. They just turn invisible.

If Newton was hungry when the apple fell on his head, he would have eaten it. A clear mind needs a full stomach.

What was the name of the Egyptian princess with constipation? Neva’tatti

The toilets in my hostel are liberal and progressive. They follow an Open-Door policy.

What did the guy say before making out with the Bong chick? “I’m going in, Sen”

What do you call a sensitive Mallu? Tender Coconut.

What do you call a dentist’s wife? Denty’s stree.

What did Shakti Kapoor’s daughter say to him before he ran the marathon? “Go, papa, Gogo”

What do you call someone who doesn’t want to face a deep, dark secret? Escapsst…

“If Amrita Rao featured on a magazine cover, it would be called ‘Minim'”

In India, everyday is Delhi Daredevils vs. Chennai Superkings.

North Indians think all south Indians are madrasi stuck-ups. South Indians think North Indians are loud-mouthed morons.

It’s the Indian Stereotype League.

Mamta Banerjee has banned government officials from using acronyms like LMAO and ROFLMAO.

“Those who use LMAO are MAO-ists,” Ms. Banerjee said.

Wayne Parnell caught in rave party.

I knew the guy was doing drugs ever since he called Ashish Nehra his role model.

Don ko 11 mulkon ki police dhoond rahi hai.

Lekin Wankhede ki security ne use pakadke ban bhi kar diya!!

What was Anil Kapoor called as a child actor?

Baal Kalakar.

Why did Buddha not use email?

He doesn’t like attachments.

In my life, I want to do nothing, and still be very famous.

I draw inspiration from Rahul Gandhi.

My dear Mallu friends, this message is for you…

它是別人無法理解的語言粗魯的發言

(This is exactly how we feel when in your company !!)

Emran Hashmi logs on to naukri.com and searches for blowjobs

What is Nagarjuna’s favourite supari brand?

Amalapasand

Many years ago on this day, a young, upcoming dacoit took his first step towards becoming the most famous villain of the country. #Holi #Gabbar

What looks like milk, smells like milk, feels like milk, but is far from milk?

Our hostel’s milk.

Why is Vishnu Manchu not famous?

‘coz Balakrishna eats Manchu as nanchu everyday. #Telugu

What did the feminist have after 20 years of marriage?

Weaker sex.

What happens to Sunny Leone if she marries Sunny Deol?

She becomes Sunny Deol.

Ok, what happens to Lara Dutta, if she marries Brain Lara?

“Lara Lara.”

“Bolo Tara Rara”

In the Ramayan, Lakshman does everything Ram does. He went on an exile even if he did not have to, he killed the evildoers, protected the good, and lived a life of virtue. But he got overshadowed all through his life.

If cricket is a religion, Dravid is the Lakshman.

I get this feeling that Shastri sits with 2 pegs of scotch and switches on a machine that churns out 3 cliches per over.

Women’s Day is observed to celebrate respect, admiration and love towards women.

Holi, is an Indian festival of colours where thousands of girls are molested, abused and harassed.

Both fall on March 8. May be the Mayans were talking about this….

Akhilesh Yadav and Rahul Gandhi met in a chai shop.

“High five, dude” Akhilesh said, and raised his hand.

“Nothing much,” said Rahul, and pulled out the chain from a nearby cycle.

A man was with his 10 year old son on the road. “Do you know what those lights are for?,” he asked.

“Yeah. Red is busy, Orange is idle, and Green is available,” said the son.

What did the media player say to the other?

“VLC who’s the best”.

After Bigg Boss, Sunny Leone has been contracted for a role in Bade Achhe Lagte Hain

Govt. officials not involved in Radia Tapes leak.

Yeah, that’s as convincing as a LiveJasmin popup!

My dear Mallu friends, this message is for you…

它是別人無法理解的語言粗魯的發言

(This is exactly how we feel when in your company !!)

Dear Bajrang Dal, what would I do without you guys? Thanks for being there when I need you the most. Muah!

– Indian culture.

Times of India is the Rakhi Sawant of Indian newspapers.

Family Welfare minister of AP has been diagnosed with Chicken Pox.

“This won’t happen again,” he told reporters.

Someone had searched for ‘Savita Bhabi fuck with Ranjan’ on google. And they were directed to my blog page.

I really have no clue why, Mr. Sibal. Don’t look at me.

The Pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

The Optimist sees the glass as half full.

The Realist gulps the glass down and says “Boss, aur ek. Large.”

Our hostel mess added a lot of milk to the water today.

Last year, they were bleeding blue.

Now, they’re shitting bricks.

What did Julius Caesar say after marrying Cleopatra?

I conquered. I saw. I came.

What did the Dual-sim phone say when both the sims got locked?

Khulja Sim-Sim.

Baba Ramdev and Anna Hazare are ‘fast friends’.

Why do telecom companies call it ‘roaming’? Roaming is when you’re moving about, relaxed.

Not when ur checking every minute to see how much of your balance has been deducted. They should call in ‘On parole’ charges.

Australia just pissed all over our Agneepath.

The present Lokpal Bill is like Katrina Kaif in Rajneeti.

It’s there. But not the way you want to see it.

Sometimes life has a way of springing little surprises that make you smile.

Like Lalu Prasad Yadav demanding a strong Lokpal bill.

It’s a pity that a politician’s son has to die in an accident, for safety norms to be introduced.

In a way, these kids are laying their lives down for others’ sake.

Kim Jong-il lived in a joint family, but wanted to start a nuclear family.

What did Mike Tyson wish Evander Holyfield?

Happy New Ear.

Kapil Sibal has asked Marico Industries to change the name of their brand.

He found the name ‘Parachute’ to contain an offensive word.

What’s in a name?

– William Wordsworth

In India, the Freedom of Expression is inviSibal.

Why does Everybody love Raymond?

coz he’s The Complete Man. Since 1925.

Kapil Sibal is a good man. So is Sonia Gandhi.

(If you can read this, it has passed the screening test. Yippee!)

What was the psychology student’s favourite song?

Why this koladeri koladeri kola Derrida

After Ashwin’s century, Harbhajan Singh walks into a bar dejected.

“One Blenders Pride neat, sir?” asks the waiter.

“Yes, make it large” he grumbles.

How did the contestants react to Sunny Leone’s entry?

“Big, boss!”

What song does Mohit Chauhan sing in the bathroom?

Pee Loo

What did Enrique Iglesias say to Anna Hazare?

You’re not my kind of Anna.

What did Bappi Lahiri do about his doctor’s advice?

Took it with a pinch of sugar.

Today’s my friend’s birthday. We’re celebrating with a cake and three litres of petrol.

Ra.One review in one word:

KL3D

Arnab Goswami took his PC keyboard for repair. Apparently the Caps Lock was permanently turned on.

What did Felipe Massa say after he crashed out??

F-Every-1

Why did the chai wala chase Dhoni?

Dhoni went to have chai, and brought the cup home

Of all the commandments, ‘Love thy neighbour’ takes a beating on Diwali night.

What do you call an ant that’s survived a nuclear explosion?

A mutant.

What did Che Guevera’s bike tell him?

“Dude, give me a brake!”

What did Kareena say during the intimate scene with Arjun Rampal?

My career is going great. Touchwood!

If I eat too many Apples, iPaad

Who is Mike Tyson’s favourite artist?

Van Gogh.

What did one mosquito say to another bereaved mosquito?

Let Baygons be Baygons.

“I want to play in the Indian Premier League

money money money money money money

to test myself” – James Anderson, English bowler

To all the 53,939 morons who are attending the Tomatina Festival at Bangalore after seeing ZNMD:

Slumdog Millionaire won eight Oscars. How about playing in a pile of shit?

Breakfast at mess today was Rice and Pickle. At this rate, I’ll have to stand up against corruption one of these days.

It’s a good thing Ganesha has elephant ears. He’d go deaf with all the noise surrounding him. #GaneshChaturthi

I have huge amount of respect and admiration for Anna…

…Kournikova!!!

There was an American amidst us who wanted to know what “KLPD” meant. The most apt explanation we could come up with was: Rejection after Erection

The government has decided to advertise the country’s stupendous growth rate.

Hansika Motwani has been chosen as the ambassador.

Why did Jadoo go back to his planet??

He felt alienated.

The guy’s name is Derri.

Out of love and admiration, Bongs call him ‘Derri da’.

Why did Harbhajan go to the doctor??

He couldn’t make it large! 😉

Rajinikanth went to the loo. Wikileaks was born

Why do waiters love Bishen Singh Bedi in hotels??

Coz when he starts giving tips, he just doesn’t stop.

Why do all Tata Nanos have two red strips on the front? Is it to hold the car together from falling??

What’s Shiney Ahuja’s favourite rhyme?

One-two buckle my shoe

Three-four shut the door # MaidInIndia

What’s Mamta Banerjee’s favourite serial:

Na aana is des Nano.

God helps those who help themselves.

Or those who employ Ramlal to help themselves. #Thakur

If cricket was the Mahabharat, India vs WI is like the part where Sahadev kills Shakuni. #WhoGivesAFuck?

The Public Works Dept. in Pakistan should sue Deol for showing them in poor light. The other dept. employees must be mocking them:

“Saala India se ek sardar aaya, aur ukhaad ke chala gaya!”

Having puris for lunch reminds me of that beautiful song:

Pooriyan…bhi hai zaroori…zaroori hai yeh pooriyan

The one advantage of being Arnab Goswami is that you’ll never be called for Parent-Teacher meetings.

“….and analysts found that ‘Hangover 2’ dint work in Gujarat because the audience couldn’t connect with the film.”

The Anti-Corruption movement is like a 90’s Bollywood rape scene.

There will be struggle, the blouse will be torn, there will be titillation. But at the last minute, the hero will come and rescue his sister!

Sania Mirza has got powerful forehand strokes!

Its a pity she married a Pakistani cricketer! 😉

One doesn’t need to cut an onion to shed tears.

Buying a few would suffice!

No matter how much you hate them, you cannot deny that exams act as a unifying force in the batch. There is the common panic, exchange of notes and discussions.

And the entire batch gets together to face a common enemy!

A rocket will be launched from every house in India tonight for Diwali. Screw you, NASA

Hickory Dickory Dock

Two Bengalis ran up the clock

The clock struck one

The other said ‘What the Phock’

Hickory Dickory Dock

What is Kareena’s secret to a perfect figure?

Well, it’s not hers. It’s Victoria’s

‘Twinke twinke little star,

How I wonder what you are!’

Well, it IS a star, dumbass!

Why can’t TreeMan be an actor?

Well, he’s pretty wooden!

Why is Mukesh Ambani not on Facebook?

He doesn’t like to ‘share’

Anees Bazmee: “Mr. Anil Kapoor, I plan to make a crass, tasteless film and I need you to finance it.”

Anil Kapoor: “No Problem.”

The new Airtel logo looks like a sperm trying to give itself a blowjob!

If Rakhi Sawant calls you a Naamard, don’t take it seriously.

I watched Mallika Sherawat’s latest film. I got hissed off

With Pamela Anderson’s entry into BB4, it will now be called 44B

A backbiter was walking on the road. A dog bit him. He bit it back

Teacher: Give me an example of an Oxymoron

Student: Uday Chopra

Sehwag is a red, shiny Ferrari that only goes in the top gear.

Dravid is a great Ambasador of the game.

If you are going to be involved in corporate fraud, at least don’t name your company ‘Satyam’

Amazing response to the call for blood. More than 30 volunteers in 30 minutes…

S.N. School is in essence,cool

The present Indian team are not sportsmen, they are artists

That’s why they keep drawing every fucking Test.

The service of waiters in KFC is ‘Finger-showing good’.

When Rajini Kanth was a kid, a dog bit him. Laika went to space in 1957.

Obama is coming. But it is the media that’s having an orgasm!

Ram may or may not have been born in Ayodhya, but Shiva was born in Amsterdam.

Rajini Kanth doped. The grass got high.

What did the Mallu sing when he got a job in AajTak?

Sansani hai sansani.

Rajini Kan!

Rajini spat by the road. Ghajini was born.

Rajini Kanth can make a molehill of a mountain.

Rajini Kanth can tell the difference between Bullshit and Cowdung.

Rajini Kanth minds his own business. And he makes a profit.

“Who is the most famous revolutionary?”, they asked the Gujarati

He replied, “Guevera che”.

What did King Cobra tell his wife?

“Why do you keep nagin’ me?”

Why was the Pakistani boy sad?

They were playing book cricket, and his friends spot fixed it.

Why was Bal Thackeray angry?

No particular reason. He’s just a moron.

Laxmans are always overshadowed. First by Ram, VVS by Sachin, and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan by, well everybody!

After Ram brought Sita back from Lanka, Laxman went to Australia to practice batting.

He was in a jungle to see a peacock. He went to pee, it took his cock.

My mind is a playground. My mood is the swing.

How did the chick cross the road?

What the fuck do you care?

“If someone pulls ur leg, kick him with the other leg”

– Mahatma Gandhi if he were alive today

Khushiyon ka tyauhar hai eid

Khushiyon ka tyauhar hai eid…

But its much better when ur on weed!

Do two-faced people have two Facebook profiles??

To be able to access mail but not chat, is like sitting on Bill Gates’ potty and realising the flush isn’t working.

If you accuse a feminist of being chauvinistic, you are nothing but a Female Feminist Sow. #MCP

What’s Rohit Sharma’s favourite pastime? Fishing. Outside the Off stump. What does he manage to catch? Ducks

DONATE YOUR EYES: Hit on girls even after death.

Arun Lal is back in the commentary box. To all those who are watching the match – Sweet dreams!

Like the baby in 3 idiots, I feel like kicking when people keep saying ‘All is well’ for no apparent reason!

You know what’s the saddest bit in Sholay?

First they kill Thakur’s wife. Then they cut off his hands too!!

If Shakespeare worked on MS Word, I wonder how many underlined errors he would get !!!!

The 3 most important questions in life are: What the Fuck? Who the Fuck? Why the Fuck?

Salman Khan’s latest film is called ‘Veer’ ‘cos you need to be brave to watch it.

Where there is a will, there are two brothers fighting for the property !!

In my life, I have had so many learning curves, I now have a vicious circle.