Following extensive use of the F1™ Safety Car in Sunday’s rain sodden Korean GP, the FIA has clarified the circumstances under which the Bernard Maylander-driven SLS may be deployed in future races.

‘F1 drivers are delicate little flowers,’ said an FIA spokesman. ‘And they must be protected from nasty things. So, as we have already seen, if it is drizzling a bit, we can’t risk that they’ll get all wet and cold and the F1™ Allianz Safety Car will be used.’

‘Likewise, if one of the drivers complains that he is a bit hot, we would immediately release the F1™ Allianz Intel® Safety Car so that the poor darling doesn’t get too sweaty or tired. Also, if we intercepted radio traffic suggesting that one of the drivers had a bit of a hurty tummy, that would also be an appropriate time to send out the F1™ Allianz Intel® McDonald’s Happy Meal Safety Car.’

‘Finally, if one of the drivers radioed to say that he felt all the other cars were going a bit too fast we would certainly use the F1™ Allianz Intel® McDonald’s Happy Meal You Can’t Get Better Than A Kwik Fit Fitter Safety Car in that circumstance too. Although when I say “one of the drivers” I do of course mean “Fernando Alonso”.’