Damn it, if you're going to ditch something, you need to think big. Like these people.

So the story came out this week that a school teacher in Pennsylvania lied about having brain cancer so she could get some time off work. We're not saying we condone that behavior, but we certainly understand it.

7 Take This Job and Shove It... Into Your Ribcage. Repeatedly.

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Ah, work. The crushing monotony. The obnoxious customers. Your incompetent coworkers. But the off-brand Ramen and Trial Memberships to Porn sites aren't going to pay for themselves. You have to do it. Even if everything inside is screaming for you to run, you have to go... right?

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So What Do You Do?

Well, you could call in sick, but what if somebody drops by and sees you out in the yard playing on your trampoline? No, it's got to be convincing. You'd better just stab yourself.

A guy from Denver named Aaron Siebers called into work and claimed he was just attacked and repeatedly stabbed by three mysterious assailants who were either skinheads or Hispanics. That seems a little odd, but hey: Maybe they were tan skinheads, or bald Hispanics, or perhaps even the Klan has had to bend to Affirmative Action and diversify. But let's not lose track of the important thing here: He didn't just "claim it"--he actually stabbed himself.

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And not with glancing blows, either. His wounds were serious enough to require stitches. And police, for some reason not catching onto the old "call into work stabbed by ethnic contradictions" excuse, believed him and began a manhunt for the suspects. They brought in K-9 units and five other agencies on the case. But then, after reviewing the security footage from the alleged crime scene (Siebers said the attack occurred in the parking lot of a local Target, because apparently Wal-Mart is just a little too low rent for His Freaking Majesty here), they found no evidence of the crime. After confronting him with this discovery in the hospital, the truth soon came out.

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Aaron Siebers inflicted deep, potentially lethal stab wounds on himself, committed fraud and instigated a vast, cross-agency manhunt because he didn't want to go to his job... at the local Blockbuster.