They said it couldn’t be done. They said it wouldn’t be done. They said it shouldn’t be done. But the Year In Band Names is back, if a little belated and slightly different. This year, I cut way more bands from my master list than usual, in an effort to leave only the noteworthy groups (or ones that made for fun commentary). Don’t worry, the story is as long as usual, and compiling it more arduous than ever!


Here, again, are the standard caveats: These aren’t necessarily bands that formed in 2018, or even in the past few years. They’re names I came across for the first time last year, or at least have forgotten about seeing otherwise. Inclusion on the list isn’t a reflection of their music’s quality, either. In fact, that’s beside the point.

Find some wifi, as this is once again a data-sucking monster. See you in December. Maybe.

First Person

I Am Waiting For You Last Summer

They’re Russian, so maybe that name is less clunky in their native tongue. Their hometown, Ryazan, was the home of Pavlov, so it has a museum devoted to his work that includes stuffed versions of his famous, slobbering dogs!

I Hate You Just Kidding

Knowing this band is a married couple immediately conjures images of Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? Sadly, the song “My Little Dove” seems sincere, not bitterly sarcastic. FINE.


Teach Me Equals

Honorable Mention, Longest Opening Sentence In A Bio:

When Erin Murphy and Greg Bortnichak first met they were each fronting their own bands, but developed an instantaneous magnetism to one another’s style of writing which was, surprisingly vastly different considering the level of cohesion Teach Me Equals has achieved with their late 2014 release, “Knives In The Hope Chest”.

I Shit On Your Face

Normally a band that formed in 2002 and broke up a few years back is disqualified from inclusion, but the ESL provocation of a song like “Entangled By A Toilet’s Content” is just too good. And let’s not forget “Impassable Seas Of Manure” from the 2005 hit album Anal Barbeque.

Men I Trust

Coming to Coachella 2019, where there aren’t too many of said men, apparently.

I Fucked A Turkey And Got Away With It

Could four words sound less appealing than “British meme rap project”?


We Spread Shiny Shit

Who would’ve imagined a band called We Spread Shiny Shit would be so earnest? “if you’re wondering what’s behind this odd name just listen and feel,” says their SoundCloud page... which has no music.

(XXX) XXX-XXXX

We’ll have to trust this is an actual artist and not an OhMyRockness prank, because good luck finding anything else on Google.

7038634357

That’s a Virginia area code if you want to try calling. This person may answer:



77:78

This group features two members of the Mercury Prize-nominated British band The Bees, or as they were legally obligated to call themselves in the U.S., A Band Of Bees. Maybe that experience inspired them to go for name no one would have? Or want?


999999999

This mysterious electronic duo hails from somewhere in Europe—they don’t offer much personal info—but their bio promises, “Live is what they are whether in or out of the studio.”

IIOIOIOII

You can disregard almost all of those. It’s just pronounced “IO.”

Animals

Modern Whale

A classic move for band bios, particularly ones just starting out or mostly unknown, is to boast about how their music just can’t be classified, man. To wit: “A ‘Modern Whale’ is not a specimen of the sea but rather a musical crossing. If we are to think about band names as part of an overall expression then this name is enormous. So enormous, so amorphous, that your new favorite group might not fall into your standard ‘musical genre.’”

Trippy Turtle

Yes, this cover literal, but have you seen it under a sweet-ass blacklight?!




Legend Of The Seagullmen

Featuring the director of Jonah Hex (A.V. Club: F) and Horton Hears A Who! (A.V. Club: C)! And guys from Tool, Mastodon, and Zappa Plays Zappa! All doing sea chanteys for some reason!

The Fish Police

Most likely unrelated to the short-lived animated show on CBS in the early ’90s. The singer and guitarist of this British group are autistic, which lends an outsider art edge to their music without going full Wesley Willis. Say this bio: “The newer songs deal with Cactus plants and why you shouldn’t climb them, the fact that cars just keep coming and coming and why Helicopter isn’t wearing any shoes.”

Chickn

The members of this Greek band boast almost cartoonish Greek names like Pantelis Karasevdas and Axios Zafeirakos. Their recent album, Wowsers!, was mixed and mastered by Iraklis Vlachakis and Nikos Triantafyllou. Maybe they’re pulling our leg?

Dog Date



Hello! Next show is not for a while.


BUt our video game is now available for download. Runs on Mac ONLY. also theres no way to exit the game.

Black Crystal Fuckwolf

Don’t let the light-hearted logo below fool you—this drone outfit isn’t here to goof around. Their 2015 album, Decomposition, had two songs: “Mechabenzaiten” (25:23) and “Pneumonia Drill” (27:10).

Wolfie’s Just Fine

Featuring Taco from The League! Says Jon Lajoie: “I knew early on that if I did release a serious album, which I’d been toying with the idea for so many years, the stigma around actor guy/comedian guy puts out serious album and that douchiness people can automatically connect with that. That’s kind of stopped me the past few years.” Well no more! The Friday The 13th homage of “A New Beginning” isn’t without humor, though.


Animal Sounds

Space Meow Doll

Members: “Doll Chao, Shufan Yang, Jean-Luc Godart (spirital cat).”

Bark Bark Disco

Z, not S

Catz’n Dogz

Number of animal references per 80 words of bio: three (“keep the dance floor purring,” “leading dancers on a wild safari of sound,” “bring out the animals in us all”). That’s 3.65 percent, just under the government-mandated maximum of 3.75 percent.

Campdogzz

From their bio: “If you don’t know where to get the best falafel in every American city, you are definitely not a Campdog.” Gauntlet, thrown.


Greazy Puzzy Fuckerz

You’d wear weird muscle masks all the time too if your band had that name.

Sentences

Thanks For Coming

Notes for the recent Nosebleeds Always: “here’s to hoping that i will be less dumb in 2019.”

The Dead Are Living

There aren’t enough neon-green basses in music that “blends opera like-theatrics with metalcore breakdowns and harsh narrative lyrics.” Kudos!




The Comet Is Coming

Winner, Most Labored Bio:

The Comet is Coming is the soundtrack to an imagined apocalypse. In the aftermath of widespread sonic destruction what sounds remain? Who will lead the survivors to new sound worlds? Who will chart the new frontier? In a warehouse somewhere in London 2013 a meeting would take place between three musical cosmonauts. They would pool their energies to build a vessel powerful enough to transport any party into outer space. It is after the end of the world, the stage is a spacecraft, the mic is an accelerator, brace yourself for The Comet is Coming

Rex Means King

Bio: “We are a mathy psych prog punk whatever band from the SF Bay Area. We’ve been know to say, ‘Tight’ too much, which is pretty tight if you ask me.”


Food

Regular Oatmeal

I didn’t realize they had tweeted at us until now. I hope you landed those gigs, guys.

Cream With A K

This one was submitted by former A.V. Club editorial director Josh Modell with the message “This is truly the worst band name ever.” Oh just keep scrolling, Josh.

Sad Vegan

Let’s recall the wisdom of the Community episode “Heroic Origins”:


Fuck

Tropical Fuck Storm

Little known fact: This was Henry Miller’s original title for Tropic Of Cancer.

Suffocate For Fuck Sake

Songs from 2008's hit Blazing Fires And Helicopters On The Frontpage Of The Newspaper. There’s A War Going On And I’m Marching In Heavy Boots: “I Got Worried... I Was So Freaking Scared Of That Window, You Know,” “I Keep My Eyes On The Ground, Afraid Of Meeting Someone I Know,” “They Try To Cheer Me Up By Saying I Did Once Live A Functioning Life.” Their 2016 album has the much more curt title In My Blood, and the longest song title has a mere six words.

Break My Fucking Sky

Won’t somebody think of the children:

Fuck You, Idiot

Bio: “The name is a message to all the dolts whose dumb opinions are only outweighed by their irrelevance, and the songs are for the people who still give a shit.” Their first EP is 2015’s The Winter Of Our Diss Content, but 2017’s Gac Sessions 2017 features “I Suck At Life/I Suck At Xbox,” “Everyone’s Old And Shit,” and “Wait! Wait! Don’t Smell Me!”


Fuck Fuckin’ Babies

Bio: “Boba, Dez y Luca se juntan para combatir el crimen en sus ratos libres.” (“Boba, Dez and Luca come together to fight crime in their spare time.”)

Fuckracy

Song called “More Dead Cops”? Check. Another called “Destroy Politicians”? Check. “Living In Fuckracy”? You got it.

Fuckshovel

They have since changed their name to the more vanilla Angerland.

Shitlord Fuckerman

The chorus of “I Caught Santa Listening To Papa Roach”: “I caught Santa listening to Papa Roach / He was rocking out and having a ball! / I caught Santa listening to my MP3 of Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ / I hope I’m not on the Naughty List because i got it off Limewire.” Check out 2016’s Teen Repellent Noise Laser for tracks like “Duke Jiffy Lube And The Lawn Bowling Boyz,” “Dear God: Please Forgive Me For My Terrible Wiener,” “David Lynch’s Pro Skater 4,” “Sweaty Poptart Hands,” “Danny Elfman Enema,” and “Worried I’ll Shit Myself At VGH Outpatient.”


Vinyl Fucktory

Number of monthly listeners on Spotify: 1.

America Fuck

Googling this group only returns a bunch of Team America: World Police results, but their album Fertility Crown is available on Spotify at least. The songs don’t really have titles and sound like they were recorded on a boombox.

It’s Fucking Monday

Another band name that produces useless Google results, though if you search for “It’s Fucking Monday It’s Hard,” you’ll get the one song the band has released. Four monthly Spotify listeners can’t be wrong!

The Fuckin’ Fat Porns

Don’t google this without quotation marks around their name, but even the correct search results don’t seem to match the band’s moniker.


P.S. Fuck You

Songs from 2015's You Still Suck: “You’ve Got ‘God’ On Your Side (I Caught You Praying Earlier),” “Cocaine Vatican,” “Rest In Shit.”

So Sadly Fucked

Self-described “rainy day rock band” from Portland, Oregon. Album: We Were Always So Sadly Fucked.

My House Is Fucked

They’ve changed their name to The Middle Finger Blues Extravaganza, but are still rocking songs like “Shitassmotherfuckingcocksuckingfuck.”

So Fucking Gold

If you’re looking for a surprisingly heartfelt meditation on using the N-word in hip-hop, look no further.

Merci Fucking Beaucoup

When Google helpfully translates the homepage for this French electronic artist—which is sometimes stylized Merci Fcking Beaucoup—the name becomes “Merci Fcking Lots” and “Thanks Fcking Many.” Zut alors.


Fuck Y*ur Dreams

The asterisk in “your” makes this A+.

Totally Fucking Gay



Vague As Fuck

Did anyone expect sexy R&B from this?

Fucked And Bound

Featuring members of 2013 Year In Band Names Laureate He Whose Ox Is Gored. Last year’s Suffrage blew through 13 songs in 20 minutes.


Vomit Forth

Did you miss their show with Bowel Erosion last week? Bummer. You don’t want to miss seeing “Unclaimed Cadaver” performed live.

Shitshifter

It’s always good when a band misspells their name in their bio.

Vomit The Hate

It’s right there in the logo. How much clearer does it need to be?


Pissing Shit

Some tracks from 2017’s Worship And Depravity Leading To The Virtue Of Execrable Living: “Hollow Enjoyment Of Unpalatable Weakness,” “Vexatious Abuse And The Corruption Of Morality,” “Domesticated Incitement Of Venom And Contempt,” “Fractured Predilection To Wrathful Creatures,” “Carnal Antipathy For Graciousness In Humanity,” and, naturally, “Ugly.”

Vomitheist

Only three cassettes remain for 2018’s Graveyard Flesh Orgy, strictly limited to 50 hand-numbered copies! (And yes, it’s the one with “Worship Morbid Torture” and “Nailgun Rampage.”)

Virgin’s Vomit

Their 2015 full-length hits all the expected marks with song titles like “The Annals Of Extermination,” “Execute The Prophets,” and “Necrophilic Mass.” “Autopsy Of The Holy Ghost” is at least a thinker. (How would that work, exactly?)

Blasphemous Goat Vomit

Their Facebook page has pics of what appear to be someone’s parents rocking BGV merch, including a mom-looking lady holding up one that says “RAPED BY DEMONS.”


The Vomiting Dinosaurs

Thematically aligned album titles: Spew Your Guts (2014) and Worship The Porcelain God (2015). But the latest, 2017’s Exoplanets, looks to the stars for inspiration, so don’t expect songs like “Speed Metal Hunks” or“Total Protonic Reversal.”

Total Vomit Experience

Another metal band checks the boxes with song titles like “A Flock Of Sheep,” “Force-Fed,” “So-Called Purity,” “Herd Mentality,” and “Marching Towards Extinction.” What, no “Christian Hypocrisy” or “Blasphemous Shitlords”?

Vomit Of Torture

The true torture here is this Portuguese grindcore outfit’s unsurprising misogyny, with songs that traffic in the usual scatological violence. But really, “Anal Bleeding After Fucking” could be about anything.

Shitpissnvomit

Winner, Most Delightfully Discordant Band Name & Logo. (Also, they’re a jazz trio?)


Shitfaced Mermaids

Now this is an album cover:



666 Shades Of Shit

Guys, listen. Bob has an important Facebook update: ““Because I will not be able to dedicate the time and effort to 666SOS that this band deserves, I am leaving. I will continue working with Prostitute Disfigurement.” Phew! Oh and good news: Stijn—whom you know from Rectal Smegma—is taking his place. Truly, the vision set forth on Whoracle Of Blasfemales—with its cover image of naked, buxom, goat-headed women impaled on inverted crosses—will carry on.

Fecalove

This Italian noise band’s discography is currently available electronically for only €7.98! That’s 15 releases, including Colostomy Deluxe—which features “Overzealous Anal Bleaching”—for $9.09!

Black Studies

Mourning [A] BLKstar

Bio: “We are a multi-generational, gender and genre non-conforming amalgam of Black Culture dedicated to servicing the stories and songs of the apocalyptic diaspora.” Their latest, The Garner Poems, is “a sonic suite that eulogizes victims of police brutality, including Tamir Rice and Eric Garner.” Well, shit. Nothing to say here except carry on, guys.


Blak Emoji

The group’s URL is blakemoji.com, which may lead people to wonder, “Who’s Blake Moji?”

Plays on Words

The Oxford Coma

These guys really, really want you to know that “Nirvana producer” Steve Albini recorded last year’s Everything Out Of Tune, which is exactly the kind of thing that would drive Albini nuts.

Where’s Walden?

Bio excerpt: “Walden continues to combine ‘90s alternative stylings - similar to bands such as Sunny Day Real Estate, Piebald and Queens of the Stone Age - with modern sensibility.” Thank you for bringing those classic-rock dinosaurs into the new millennium!

Yesferatu

Maybe it’s an internet thing?




Revolution Bummer

Only a band with an album cover like this would have a name inspired by the D.C. hardcore scene’s legendary summer of 1985. Now a John Stabb-inspired smart aleck needs to start a band with a name riffing on Degradation Winter.

The lead track, “We’ll Rest In Death,” begins with this spoken part: “This is the story of your enslavement and how it came to be—and how you can finally be free.” Only sheep need to be led, comrades!

Girth Control

Albums: What Got You Stoked In The First Place? (2015), Shorter Faster Dumber (2017).




Directives

Pull The Fuckin’ Trigger

This name and Hot Topic-ready T-shirt could go a few of different ways—hardcore, post-hardcore, punk, etc.—but did anyone expect hip-hop?

You Will Choose Fire

Looking for an overdriven drum-and-bass cover of The Cranberries’ “Zombie”? Look no further!

Repeat repeat repeat

War War War

Songs from 2017’s I Saw An Angel, I Buried Its Body: “Séance In Nevada (Under Charleston’s Shadow),” “On The Eve Of Our Death We Went On,” “Dreams Of Nevada (From A Hotel In Michigan).” Two songs about Nevada on one album? That’s a new record!


Glitter Moneyyy

Bio: “Sexy, partying, equality demanding, champagne guzzling, politically pissed rap duo. Destroying the patriarchy one second at a time.”

Proper Names

Kenny’s Login

Remember how you wanted a punk cover of “Pancho And Lefty”? No? Well, here’s one anyway.



Dwayne Gretzky

This Toronto collective plays cover songs—er, “captivates audiences with a masterfully curated tour of artists from both the classic and modern pop canon,” says their gushing bio. Oh, it goes on: “In an increasingly saturated and scattered music landscape defined by predictable playlists and individualized consumption, Dwayne’s high-energy nostalgia trips recall the serendipity of flipping through the radio dial, and the joy of coming together en masse to celebrate and sing along to the best songs ever written.” Sound like a bunch of highfalutin B.S.? Yup. But Dwayne Gretzky claims to have performed 100 straight sold out shows, including their own “summer camp,” so never doubt the power of nostalgia.


Michael Jordan Touchdown Pass

Michael Schneeweis has performed under this name since the Year In Band Names started, yet has somehow eluded us all this time. His Facebook says he’s currently working on his masters in Buddhist Divinity, so don’t expect to hear much music once he starts his career in the high pressure, fast-moving world of Big Theology.

Nelson Bandela

That ska-band-worthy portmanteau is close to Bandela’s real name, Nelson Mandela Nance, who happens to be brother of Random Acts Of Flyness’ Terence Nance. Bandela primarily works as a producer, but hear me out: What about a ska tribute to Nelson Mandela? Maybe work “Skapartheid” in the title? Just spitballing here.

Miley Serious

Google really thinks you mean Miley Cyrus if you search for this. Ahem, no, we’re looking for the French DJ who specializes in acid house and ghetto house. Thanks.

Virginia And The Wolves

This Greek group should not be confused with The Virginia Wolves, an “ORGANIC ROCK” band from Montauk, New York.

Anti-Difranco

Wasn’t Anti-Difranco how everyone felt after she wanted to have that event at a former slave plantation? But seriously folks, this band is from Brooklyn describes 2017’s Tonight, You’re Getting Laid thusly:


It’s New Season again and the townsfolk are preparing for the annual Crollup. But this year, Grandma Crundleson has a special jeard prepared for the big meal. Will you be able to collect and consume all the scumstones?

Lucyy Flawless

Make sure to include that extra y, as Lucy Flawless, one y, is a drag queen.

Raddicus Finch

Bio: “taiwanese girl drags white male 20-something-year-olds thru song,” but Mia Finch also has her own “GOTH, PREPPY, ‘N’ GROOVY PLUS SIZE” clothing resale operation, @shopraddicusfinch. Diversify, musicians!

Michael Cera Palin

This Atlanta emo band called it quits last year, because no one can survive with a name so utterly terrible.

DJ Seinfeld

He’s a DJ about nothing. This DJ is sponge-worthy. DJ Seinfeld is master of his domain. Etc. etc.


Ritt Momney

They’re from Utah, naturally.

Alex Jonestown Massacre

Yes, it’s been done, but this Virginia group, which has been around “since America became great,” creates sarcastic protest music for the Trump era. Their two releases, What We Do Is Stupid and Fear Of A Flat Planet, feature songs like “From The Dog Whistle To The Bullhorn” and “The Pajama Boys Are Back In Town.”

Rob Ford Explorer

Maybe it’s time to update to Doug Ford Explorer?

Kurt And The Loders

The name makes more sense when you realize they’re a grunge tribute band playing “the best of” Pearl Jam (of course), Alice In Chains (sure), STP (okay), Soundgarden (naturally), Nirvana (duh), Foo Fighters (not grunge, but fine), and Silverchair (wait what?).


Lana Del Rabies

This began as a sound-art project that gave Lana Del Rey songs a drone makeover, but has since evolved into something more esoteric and experimental. As far as I can tell, “Lana Del Scabies” remains available if there are any takers.

Adolph Shitter

You probably remember this French noisecore act from their splits with bands like Bukkake Violence Kommando, Unholy Semen, and Mental Hygiene Terrorism And Orchestra.

Allusions to film & TV

Dead Poet Society

Consider supporting their Patreon, where a few bucks a month unlocks exclusive content like voice memos from the writing process, Google Hangouts, bloopers (?), and more. Or if you want to kick in $5,000, “We will literally fly to you anywhere in the USA, cook you dinner, and play you a private show! Honestly no idea why you would do this...” They currently have four patrons for a total of $28 per month.

Archie And The Bunkers

This “hi-fi organ punk” duo from Cleveland eagerly awaits the formation of George And The Jeffersons, J.J. And The Dy-No-Mites, or Norman And The Lears to open for them.

Ross From Friends

Apparently he’s moved on from stealing stuff to make electronic music.


Skrizzly Adams

From his Wikipedia page: “Lesser known fact about Skrizzly Adams: He is the originator of the Drunk Live Stream on the Instagram platform.” The page is currently under threat of deletion.

Spicoli Culkin

This thread is pretty fun:

George Crustanza

EP: Summer Of George, of course.


Penises

Girl Cock

Trans singer-songwriter Olivia Clarke has since retired the Girl Cock moniker, even though it works on a couple of levels. It’s hard to argue with this, though:

Starting out playing music on my own it was a way to be out and proud and have the audience be prepared for a queer ass trans girl. It was a defense mechanism really so i didnt get stuck interacting with shitty transphobes cause i emotionally couldnt take a situation like that. But as ive grown into life as an out and proud trans girl i dont need that defense anymore. Im confident enough in myself to say fuck the haters.

OG Swaggerdick



Peaness

About: “Three piece indie-pop band from Chester, England. Pronounced PEA-NESS, but it’s not massively important is it.”


Anatomy

My Left Tit

Songs: “He Lost His Condom In My Puss (Abort Abort),” “Wash Your Dick With Toothpaste For Me Please,” “You Can Rub One Out (I’ll Wait),” “Sorry I Farted On Your Dick Last Night (I Was Sleeping).”

Wreath Of Tongues

This album cover looks more fun-loving than the songs it contains, such as “Dead End God,” “Forgiveness Denied,” and, naturally, “Wreath Of Tongues.”



Ninja McTits

Songs: “Challenging People Who Sell Shitty Rap CDs Outside The Grocery Store To Rap Battles Then Just Shitting Myself,” “You Don’t Know Real Pain Until You Try Giving A Song Some Overly Long Title With An Extremely Busted Keyboard,” and of course, “Talent Is Entirely Based On Whether Your Titles Are Funny Or Not.”


Discount Face Tattoos

Songs: “When Good Dogs Do Hard Drugs,” “Egomaniac With An Inferiority Complex.”

Buffalo Sex Change

Last year’s Searching Hands is available on Admirable Traits Records, but their 2014 self-titled debut is on Dadstache (“Dad rock for young punks”).

Tainted Pussy

File under He, He We’re Talking About Cats, per their bio: “Performing noisy & remixed & kitty inspired cover songs.”

Sexy Times

Bad In Bed

Under “Record label” on their Facebook page: “Please sign us for the love of Christ”


Always Hard

“We make dreams come true, with empathy... because life is ALWAYS HARD.” Whoops, took this one the wrong way!

Syphilitic Lust

But there’s no mistaking this one. From 2013’s Alive Sleaze: “At Midnight I’ll Take Your Hole.” (It’s followed by “Morbid Hole,” though it’s unclear if they’re talking about the same one.)

Pussy Tuesday

Bio: “Three queer women playin punk in Greater LA. Drink beer and fuck on your period.”

Lilbootycall

Bio: “mark my words, imma ball without u”




Psychedelic Porn Crumpets

Oh, so that’s who has @porncrumpets on Twitter.

Alcoholic Sex Detonation

Songs from 2016’s It’s Not Rape If It’s Dead: “Basement Dwelling Child Rapist,” “Edgy Emos With Crippling Depression,” “Fisted By A Zombie,” “Can Epileptic People Have Seizures From Blinking Too Fast,” “How To Tuck 101,” “Prolapse For Daddy,” “Hey Guys It’s Randy/Randy It’s Guys Hey.” They’re also on the School Shooters On Cool Scooters comp with Internal Pus Leakage, Feltch, and Cunt Torch.

How To Fuck It

Googling this without quotation marks isn’t gross, just depressing. But hey, this album cover is kind of fun!

Models Can’t Fuck

Meaning they aren’t allowed to, or they’re not good at it? Who knew that name would be such a head scratcher?


Theological

Deathless Gods With Human Bods

Band interests: “hummus, arcade magicks.” No arcane hummus?

Space Jesus

Description for the video “The Weed”: “What if Jesus was a toker and had a thing for knife play while gorging on chicken and waffles?” Guess what, bros? Jesus totally used cannabis oil, so we’re, like, halfway there!

Stoned Jesus

From their Twitter feed. (Post didn’t reply.)

Goths

Gothic Tropic




Closet Goth

From Facebook. Better get that job at Cinnabon.

No

Romance & Rebellion

Winner, Least Compelling Sentences In A Band Bio, Ever:



With a heavy-handed “Billboard Hot 100” attention to detail, the music isn’t the only thing these boys have tailored to perfection. They look the part, with an acute awareness of trendy style reminiscent of an American Apparel ad.


Speak The Truth...Even If Your Voice Shakes

YouTube speaks the truth:

Imagined Herbal Flows

The branding around this electronic artist sticks to “IHF,” but you can’t hide!

Memories In Broken Glass

If you thought, “Ugh, that sounds like the kind of band who’d call their album Enigma Infinite,” you are incredibly perceptive.

Lullabies For Falling Empires

The “Falling Empires” part sounds kind of metal, but metal they ain’t, per their band interests: “textures, romantic melodies, drifting other worlds, film scores, music heard from other rooms, old pianos, analog sounds, dusty tape sounds.”


Yum Yuckers



Psychemagik

The bio on this British duo’s Bandcamp page says they’re “known for their sensational edits.” Wow, TELL ME MORE! (On Facebook, they changed it to more-engaging-by-default “known for their beautiful production work.”)

Velocirapture

The always reliable UrbanDictionary defines “velocirapture” as “The long-prophesied Second Coming of Raptor Jesus.” Velocirapture the band hails from Florida and plays something called “adventure prog.”

Throbbing Chakra

Album: Illegal Licks Or 30​,​000 Thrilling, Invigorating, Penetrating, Revitalizing Vibrations Per Minute.


Hey Ladies



Lucky Wife And Mother

Song: “20% Of Your Customers Are 80% Of Your Business”

Hit Like A Girl

Not to be confused with the women’s drumming contest of the same name, this is the project of queer/non-binary singer-songwriter Nicolle Maroulis. She runs a trans non-profit called No More Dysphoria, and instead of selling Hit Like A Girl shirts at shows, she sells merch for No More Dysphoria, with proceeds going to people who need money for transitioning. So... carry on then.

Slut Magic

Here’s an excerpt of this Brooklyn band’s bio, purely to drive the A.V. Club copy desk nuts: “Their dreamy lyrics are dripping in Lovecraftian guitar, sentient bass, rumbling drums, and big, shiny jewelry.” (The lyrics are dripping in all of that stuff? What the hell does “sentient bass” mean? Or “Lovecraftian guitar”? And I’m not even including the part that likens Slut Magic to “an aural make-out session.”)

Slut Island

“Embrace it—it’s like mono,” says guitarist Kate Hollowell as she introduces “HPV.”




Sup Fellas

Shy Boys

Their bio has an interesting interpretation of the word “sacred”:



Being in a band is a sacred thing. Being in a band in 2018 is a sacred thing. Being from the Midwest is a sacred thing.


Viagra Boys

“Sports” feels like a cousin to the great Tim & Eric video for “Sports!”

Cave Bastard

Featuring members of Cattle Decapitation, which would been on the Year In Band Names it existed in in the mid-’90s. Songs from last year’s The Bleak Shall Devour The Earth: “Throes Of The Devourer,” “Methane Epistaxis” (epistaxis is a nasal hemorrhage), “Trapped In A World Of Formlessness.”

For the Children

Cigarette Playdate

Band interests: “tobacco, cats, miller high life, whiskey, ginger beer, comfortable and warm skirts for the wintertime, rabbits, rice krispy treats, smashing the patriarchy.”

Right On, Kid!




Youth In A Roman Field

Bio excerpt: “Multi-instrumentalist Claire Wellin incorporates sounds of ‘Appalachia, cayenne pepper, & ghosts.’” Shorter version: Appalachia and ghost peppers.

Parents

Mom Said No

There has never been a more random assortment of contributors than on the band’s recent Motivation EP, per the bio: “Recorded at Goo Goo Dolls bassist Robby Takac’s GCR Audio studios, the EP includes contributions from 10,000 Maniacs violinist/vocalist Mary Ramsey, Psychedelic Furs saxophonist Mars Williams, and Arkells keyboardist/vocalist Anthony Carone.” Was former REO Speedwagon keyboardist Jesse Harms unavailable? What about Simple Plan touring bassist Chady Awad?

Chill Parents

Laugh all you want, but the struggle is real!


Such and Such & So and So

Singer & The Scientist

Here’s an L.A. story: A woman leaves her hometown in Ohio to find fame and fortune in L.A., lands a job as the house band singer for The Singing Bee on CMT, which leads to a country-music deal and album, but only after all of that does she realize she hates country music. So she and her neighbor start a pop band. Unrelated: The Singing Bee lasted six seasons?

Fatty Cakes And The Puff Pastries

About: “Fatty Cakes and the Puff Pastries is an all grrrl gang band that promotes positive mental health and being yrself at the buffet~* ♥ Let’s party, children.”



Teddy And The Rough Riders

Quick, form a band called Franklin And The New Deals so you can play with them.

Mozes And The Firstborn

Why the z in Mozes? I’m just guessing here, but maybe because this Dutch band plays something called “sleazy grunge.” According to their bio, their influences include such sleaze-grunge luminaries Guided By Voices, Beck, Weezer, and Nirvana.


Amyl And The Sniffers

If this Melbourne punk band doesn’t cover Suede’s “Animal Nitrate,” it feels like a real lost opportunity.

Fuck Face Ricky & The Mother Fucking Cuntpounders



Fuck You And The Shut-Ups

Their bio likens them to a mix of The Queers and a bad Van Halen cover band. Just try to stay away!

Places

Rome Is Not A Town

+1 for the song “I’m In A Brand”:


Not From England

Checks out: They’re from L.A.

Winnetka Bowling League

Some people looking to bowl in suburban Chicago are undoubtedly confused by their Google results.

Sports Reference

One more time!


Remember Sports

Formerly known as Sports, currently figuring out how to use the internet.

Left-Handed 2nd Baseman

Personal interests: “Playing baseball positions typically reserved for right-handed players.” They are indeed rare—supposedly there have only been eight in MLB history.

Monsters Etc.

Zombie Mañana

Bio excerpt: “This half-band, half-dream seeks refuge from this place, this world where everything is a race. Tragedies and adversities taught me more than universities. Happiness and ecstasy comes from living with no jealousy. All it takes to be inspiring is to be inspired, and now is the time to rewire. With a head full of static, and a heart that weighs a ton, these omnifarious tunes may not be for everyone.” Hmm, this should probably go under No.

Touched By Ghoul

Bio: “Raised in a basement and surviving only on sheer will and flamin’ hot cheetos, Touched by Ghoul clawed their way to the surface in 2011 to induce the vomit of your soul.” Wait, I thought Vomit The Soul broke up?


Ghost In Salad

Sure, there’s Bandcamp, but why not watch a wordless 30-minute performance-art piece instead?

Trash Elf

Song: “I Wuz Taking A Phat Dump And Then Realized My Hairless Hamster Was In The Bathtub”

Telekinetic Yeti

They have giant beards, long hair, and play doom metal, but you already knew that.

The best there is

World’s Greatest Ghosts

“Magic” or “magick” appear on their Facebook “about” page five times, like “magick potions and fairy dust” (under Band Interests) and “rock band magick making” (in their bio). They don’t look like Wiccans...


The World’s Greatest Detective

Bio: “The world doesn’t need any more straight white men singing about their feelings, but, well, here we are.”

Funk bands never learn

Huckleberry Funk

Bio excerpt: “AFTER ENDLESS NIGHTS OF SELF-REFLECTION AND SOME WORDS OF WISDOM FROM A GOOD FRIEND, IT BECAME CLEAR THAT ‘FUNK’ IS MUCH MORE THAN A GENRE - IT’S AN ATTITUDE.” The kind of attitude that can only be expressed in an overly long, all-caps, center justified bio.

Get used to being misspelled

Shylmagoghnar

Members: Nimblkorg, Skirge. FYI:

Both Shylmagoghnar and Skirge are a combination of vowels that we felt conveyed the essence and atmosphere of our character and music. Nimblkorg is an amalgamation of the name of a monstrous man-beast from literature and runic sounds .

Trepaneringsritualen

Thomas Martin Ekelund is the glowering face of death industrial and prone to saying things in interviews like “Once you’ve made the realization that each of us has to live in this world, ripped from the boundless womb, you are always alone.” The bio for Trepaneringsritualen follows suit:


We stare into the radiant light and stumble blind and mad into the moonless night. We bow not our heads, nor do we ask for mercy. The world is agony. This is a journey of pain, ecstasy, and death. We do not seek companionship because this prison of flesh is a solipsism. We straddle the balancing point between light and darkness, love and hate, life and death. We hide our countenance to reveal the hidden face of god. We hang our self from trees and crosses. We bleed and suffer. All in roaring silence. Eternity is but an instant.


The spectre of T × R × P is channelled through the forms of ᚦᛟᚦ ᚷᛁᚷ, ᚾᛟᚺ ⩝⚭⩝, and ᛏᛇᚱᚫ ᚾ ∴ ᚾ ∴ ᚾ.

Soooo...you play music?

Ó

Brooklyn songwriter Gabrielle Smith had released music under the name Eskimeaux until singer Tanya Tagaq called her out for “using slurs to sell music.” The solution? This character that guaranteed practically useless Google results. Smith has since settled on the easy-to-find, hard-to-offend Gabby’s World.

id m theft able

Album: If I’m Too Fat For You, Why Don’t You Come Over Here And Suck Out All The Fat? Yes, it has “Ripping My Arm Hair Out, I Didn’t Get Any Cooler” on it, but if you’re looking for “No Indie Rock At The STD Clinic,” that’s on Clean Houses Exude Fear. Honestly, though, you may want to start with “Leaving The Awkward Cookout, Only To Find Myself At Another Awkward Cookout” from 2017’s Popsicles, Icicles, Baseball, And Fancy Clothes.

식료품 groceries

2014’s 슈퍼마켓Yes! We’re Open offers a 12-track tour around a store, like “Aisle 1 (Earth Tones, Rectangles, And Fake Plants)” or “Interlude (Lost In The Freezer Section).” But 2017's 인터넷 쇼핑 (Ascension) is also conceptual, with songs devoted to the online shopping experience, beginning with “Smart ShopperTM Online Welcome Sound” and concluding with “Continue Shopping?”


mmph

Multifocal Micronodular Pneumocyte Hyperplasia? Ministria e Mjedisit Dhe Planifikimit Hapësinor? Multidisciplinary Master of Public Health? Maxillary Modified Protraction Headgear? Nope. “I just wanted to come up with something with a ‘ph-’ending, that was it… I thought it looked cool in the writing,” says sole member Sae Heum Han.

Food & Drink

People Eating Plastic



Milk For The Angry

This Instagram video is awesome. “Get those cables out and charge your shit!”


Spaghetti Funky

This Italian DJ trio has to compete with a lot of recipes.

If you’re not into the whole brevity thing

Haunted Aura Space Center Blues Syndicate

Basically no information exists about this group other than it features musicians Duke Taylor and Ben Jaffe, though those names probably don’t help, either.

This Is Not A Game Of Who The Fuck Are You

Maybe inspired by Eddie Izzard? It looks like this Swedish band no longer exists, but several members have moved onto “skate crust” band Kråkstad. That’s the name of a village in Norway, which is apparently famous for an old, old church that burned down after it was struck by lightning. Kinda metal?

Fuck You, Tammy!

Although not a Ron Swanson project, this is TV-related: It’s a Twin Peaks tribute band.


Gosh!

Not to be confused with the all-female “theatric radio pop” from Estonia, this is a “minimal psych pop” duo from Chicago that features a former member of a band called Nude Sunrise, which sounds like it knew how to party.

Nude Sunrise — one of the most notoriously drug-fueled bands to churn through the DIY circuit in the first part of this decade, who always played louder than any band on the bill, who’s volume got our co-founder arrested in 2011, who toured with 200 hits of acid at least once in my experience, and who all worked at the same Papa John’s when they weren’t on tour.

Fuck Yeah! Molecules

Band interests: “We have songs about: Drinking, being drunk, waking up hungover, feeling bad about what you did, feeling frustrated with life fucking you at every turn, forgetting about it, having a laugh with your friends and getting drunk again...”

What So Not




No Hope/No Harm

It’s a reference to The Smiths’ “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me.”

Power Funeral

Not to be confused with Powers Funeral Home—“Serving Lugoff, SC and surrounding areas!”

Bathroom Of The Future

Bio One: “Too emo for the punks, too punk for the emos, and too many of our songs wind up being about anime and video games.” Bio Two: “A pop-punk band from Metro Detroit for anyone who misses their ex but tries to fill the void with Nintendo 64 games.”

Dynamite Thunderpunch

Bio: “We’re Dynamite Thunderpunch, and that’s exactly how we sound. We’re some dudes who met at University of Cincinnati and still play music together for some reason. Our interests include guitar solos and hearing damage, and our turn-offs include nuance and subtlety.”


Stupid Crybabies

Track one from Seamlessly Transitioning Between Laughing And Crying: “Would You Do Sex With Kyle Maclachlan?” Track two: “I Think You Would.” Or maybe check out their self-titled album from 2015, which features songs like “There Isn’t Any Will Milk Left For My To Live Cereal,” “Are You Jerry Seinfeld?”, “Billy Crystal Sucks,” “Hi, I’d Like To Order A Fuck,” and “Sensitive Boy Fedora.”

Illuminati Hotties

Band interests:

ice pops pizza tacos


pizza-tacos taco pizza skittles healthy fruits n greens this is also my tour rider


Neckbeard Deathcamp

Bio: “EXTERMINATE THE BEDROOOM REICH!” Tracks from last year’s White Nationalism Is For Basement Dwelling Losers: “Cucked (Intro),” “The Left Are The Real Fascists,” “Zyklon /b/,” “XXXL Obersturmfuhrer Leather Duster,” “Incel Warfare,” “Please Respond (I Showed You My Penis),” and “The Fetishization Ov [sic] Asian Women Despite A Demand For A Pure White Race (Outro).”

Screamin’ Rebel Angels

Ever think a band was created for Instagram?

100 Year Party Court

Most of the Google results for this New York band are real estate listings for a street in Longmont, Colorado, called 100 Year Party Court. Interested? Plan to spend at least $500,000.

Vile Assembly

This band’s singer lived homeless for a month in Liverpool and then San Diego “to experience destitution first hand,” according to their bio. “The result was horrendous,” it continues, but the experience inspired a bunch of poems. Wow, that does sound horrendous.


awakebutstillinbed

Album: What People Call Low Self​-​Esteem Is Really Just Seeing Yourself The Way That Other People See You.