While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home. Here are the leading arguments for and against natural childbirth:

PROS

Screaming, distressed woman flooded with endorphins and adrenaline gets to be in control of entire situation

Women get to have the same full and unspoiled experience of childbirth as ancestors, livestock, woodland animals

Can lord it over Karen

Offers mothers a more comfortable, non-intrusive means of pushing a child out of their vagina in a room full of people

Allows for a variety of birthing positions, such as the Hang Glider, the Roman Candle, and the Cannon, that are impossible after an epidural

Constant edge-of-seat excitement over not having medical professionals at the ready should there be any complication whatsoever

It’s beautiful, arguably

CONS

Lack of epidural denies infant opportunity to enter world with a nice buzz

Women may experience longer, more exasperating blog posts

Puts child at higher risk of being homeschooled

Means passing up rare, exciting opportunity to get massive needle stabbed into cerebrospinal fluid

Have to weigh baby on bathroom scale

Doula might fuck up APGAR test

Baby doesn’t give a shit one way or another