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“I Will Not Say A Single World” Pope Michael Tells Lineup Of Teddy Bears Holding Fake Tape Recorders

Pope Michael Tuesday told a line of teddy bears dressed as reporters sitting on his bed that he will not respond to accusations that he knew about allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.

The Pope told the teddy bears and one G.I Joe figurine that he had read the document but that he “will not say a single word on this.”

“I must tell you sincerely that, I must say this, to you and all those who are interested—read the statement carefully and make your own judgement. I don’t even know McCarrick. Frankly, outside of a few family members and all of you sitting here before me, I really don’t know anyone. I believe that the statement speaks for itself. When some time passes and you have drawn your conclusions, I may speak.”

Pope Michael went on to call his mother to the room to help hold up one of the teddy bears that repeatedly fell off his bed, before asking her to end the news conference and take him back to his study.

At press time, Pope Michael is issuing a letter to “all the children of God” titled I’m Not Looking So Bad Now Am I?