SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Saying they could now fully explore their hypothesis that you deserve way better, scientists at the corner table of Marty’s Pub received a four-beer grant Thursday to complete their analysis on why he’s not good enough for you. According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will enable them to definitively prove that he doesn’t treat you right and that this relationship needs to end now because he’s all that’s holding you back from being happy. With the data evaluated, the bar table scientists told reporters that they could then offer recommendations for applying their research, including going on a date with Marc, who’s really great even if he’s a little awkward. At press time, the scientists’ groundbreaking study had earned them a prestigious award for being the best fucking friends anyone could have, which also garnered them a generous four-shot prize.

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