Earth, Featured, Quizzes | November 22, 2169

By Colleen Prendergast

You could say it was easy for humans to ignore the warning signs when there were simply so many of them. After all—what’s one sea-level rise emergency from another catastrophic business practice, one case of glacial thawing from a circuit-melting heatwave, one disastrous drought from a dangerous downpour?

Temperatures fluctuate naturally and a cataclysmic comet could simply exterminate the planet…so why even blame humans at that rate?

Only when their dog parks and beaches—ancient hominid sanctuaries where their adorable, optimistic fuzz companions used to run, play, and breathe—were finally designated as critically poisoned superfund sites did the hominids finally fess up that they might be dropping the ball on taking care of Earth.

You would have thought that by the 3,463rd nuclear explosion they would have admitted to having a problem. Or when they accidentally released bio-engineered pathogens that wiped out large swathes of hominid populations. Yet it was only when that final TikTok of the last adorable puggle taking its final, precious, snorty, choking breath went viral that humans stopped lying to themselves and admitted that maybe, just maybe, they might be responsible for the complete annihilation of their planet’s natural resources and sustainability.

When bee populations collapsed, some humans arrogantly proclaimed that they preferred an Earth without pollinators to avoid their aggressive beestings! And they didn’t bat an eye when, one-by-one, more aggressive species like bobcats and chipmunks, then cows and wolves, and finally birds and guinea pigs slowly fell victim to the casual die-offs that punctuated late 21st century life.

But when they lost every single one of their best friends—those sweet doggos and woofers and hairy cloud floofs—did Man finally weep for the wreckage of their un-meme-able planet.

Alas, it wasn’t the ocean-wide oil spills or vast coral die-offs, nor did the total desertification of global rainforests stir them to their senses. But after that legendary livestream of the last-ever adorable, happy pupper wagging its tail for the final time—first right, then left, and then down, forever—did the humans finally admit that they irreversibly fucked up.

And that, citizens, is why the Mindhive will never forgive humanity: too many of us remain deprived of petting one of these magnificent animals known for happiness, loyalty, and capturing their own tails.