As you were no doubt told by a parent or someone who cares about you growing up, it's what's inside that counts. That's not always true, but at least the intentions are pure.

One area in which it's almost always appropriate is media guides. They're packed with pounds (quite literally) of useful information for you, but the covers are pretty boring. They're usually just pictures of the team's coach or some players, occasionally both. Throw in a motto for the season, or maybe some graphics that are supposed to make everything pop, put "[School] Football" on it somewhere, and you're done.

When I saw this year's Auburn media guide, however, something was different. Oh, don't get me wrong, it followed the standard by putting Gus Malzahn and some players on the cover, as well as the season motto "Fearless and True," but there was just something different about it.

Auburn Athletics

The eyes of the men on the cover all have a story to tell, and these are their stories.*

Braden Smith, offensive lineman, senior: "Full beards are in style these days but that's foolish. Everywhere you look you see athletes with these big beards. Guys like James Harden. He just signed a $170 million contract extension with the Houston Rockets, and he hasn't shaved in years. That's ridiculous. My momma always told me that if I wanted to get a good job, I have to look clean cut. Maintain a nice, neat appearance. Then this Harden guy goes and stops shaving altogether and gets $170 million for it. There's no justice in this world. I like my chin beard, though. I'll shave it after I graduate to get a good job like momma wants, but I just like the way it looks right now. Full beards are what's cool now, but chin beards are coming back. You'll see. James Harden will see too. $170 million?! I'm never going to get that kind of money playing football! I'm 6-foot-6 and from Kansas. What the hell am I doing playing football? Damn it."

Daniel Carlson, kicker, senior: "OK, just be cool, Daniel. You don't want to blow this. You're the kicker, but you're going to be on the cover of the media guide. Coach appreciates what you've done, and since you're a senior, you get to have this honor. Don't let coach down. Don't smile, either. You don't want to look too eager. You're doing this for all the kickers out there, Daniel. It's a brotherhood. You need to represent them all well. Try to look tough, but don't look like you're trying to look tough. There you go, that's a good pose. Hold on, wait one second, what if I stick my hand underneath my bicep to make it look bigger? Yeah, that's it. Now they know."

Tray Matthews, defensive back, senior: "I'm going to look like an idiot. Everybody else just stood there taking pictures with their arms crossed, and this photographer wants me hunched over in 'attack mode.' What the hell does that even mean? Who am I attacking? It's a damn photo shoot, man. Whatever, who cares, right? Just take the picture, go home and get back to watching Game of Thrones. You only got two seasons to get through to catch up. Remember when that Mountain guy squished that other guy's head? That was awesome. Maybe that's what 'attack mode' is. Just look like you're about to smash that dude's head with your bare hands. That's the look. I wish I had a dragon. That would be awesome."

Gus Malzahn, coach: "Oh man, I gotta go to the bathroom so bad. Why did I have that second cup of coffee? You knew this was going to happen, Gus. You knew that this is what the second cup of coffee would do, but you didn't care. 'The photo shoot won't take that long,' you said. 'I can wait until after it's over,' you said. God bless it would this dang photographer just hurry the heck up and get this over with. How many blessed pictures do they need to take? OK, Gus, seriously, just think of anything else. Don't think about the bathroom. Think about the veer, Gus. The beautiful, pure veer. So many options available, yet so simple to run and difficult to defend. The veer is magical. Oh no, do you think they heard that?"

* Just in case it isn't abundantly clear to you at this point, none of these quotes are real quotes. I made them all up.