While we can't all pioneer nanosurgery or discover the Higgs boson, we can all plot out something epic to say with our dying breath. Hopefully history will remember us for our sick burns and ballsy braggadocio, even if it forgets everything else. Hey, it worked for the folks below.

Sad, we know, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Hello there, dear readers. We hope you're having a wonderful day. We just wanted to take a moment to remind you that you are most likely going to die in total obscurity.

9 Lawrence of Rome/Saint Lorenzo

scottdodge

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Quote: "This side's done."

These days most theological discussions break down thusly:

Person 1: I believe in X.

Person 2: I believe in Y.

Person 1: You're a Nazi fag.

Back in the third century, these interactions had much the same flavor, but the stakes were a bit different:

Person 1: I believe in X.

Person 2: I believe in Y.

Person 1: Why don't you believe in X? I would love to explore your belief system further in hopes of bridging our -- hahaha just kidding; I've already set you on fire.

cookingforjesus

We're not saying it's a better system, but if you leave a comment you should probably lock your doors at night.

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Lawrence of Rome was one of seven deacons in charge of the riches of the Catholic church. The Roman prefect apparently got a memo that Rome would really appreciate more riches (you don't say?), so he demanded that the church turn them over. Pope Sixtus II, already condemned to death, instructed Lawrence to distribute the church's jewels and treasures to the poor. And he did so.

When asked by the prefect to produce that wealth, Lawrence gestured to the crowd of peasants and said that they were truly the riches of the church. As emotionally stirring as that quote was, the prefect's lifelong hatred of ham-fisted Hallmark card metaphors manifested itself in an immediate death sentence for Lawrence of Rome.

Wikipedia

Imagine the heartwarming music skittering to a stop, and then the match flaring.

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Lawrence's execution was to be carried out over a torture-sized George Foreman Grill; he was literally barbecued to death. Just before he gave in to his burns and died, Lawrence reportedly advised his captors: "This side's done. Turn me over and have a bite." This marks both the first and the most accurate instance that "Bite me" was used as a comeback.