50 States of McMansion Hell: Cass County, North Dakota

Hello Friends! Today’s house is about as depressing as literally any show or film that takes place in North Dakota. On the scale of overall McMansion-ness, this house is not as bad as some from other states, but the pickings were generally slim in North Dakota.

This angular abode, built in 1990, boasts 5 bedrooms and 5 baths, totaling around 4,500 square feet. If you’re a beige fanatic, it can be yours for around $430,000 USD.

Sadly there’s no lawyer foyer, so we’ll have to dive right into the meatier parts of the house.

Living Room

WACKY WILLY (MAN WITH MALE PATTERN BALDNESS DRESSED IN A RED SUIT & ALLIGATOR SHOES) (SHOUTING): THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS, WHETHER YOU NEED ONE SOFA OR FIVE (FIVE!), COME ON DOWN TO WACKY WAREHOUSE WHERE YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD OL’ WACKY TIME (SIREN NOISES, COMIC SANS PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT AREA CODE FLASHES AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN)

WACKY WILLY: (gives two thumbs up, eyes bearing down into your very soul)

BUDDY (golden retriever, dressed as a clown): WOOF!

Office

The irony of suburban families whose whole idea of success is wrapped up in material displays of wealth proudly displaying statues of Buddha in their home offices is not lost on me, dear reader.

Kitschen

I haven’t seen a closed-off (non-open floorplan) kitchen like this in a very long time.

Dining

The makeshift dining room assembled in the living room for the “kids table” at Thanksgiving has more permanence and gravitas than this. (This author still has to sit at the kids table despite being 23.)

Sunroom

Nihilist Realtor: and here we have the sunroom for which no sun ever shines.

Peppy suburban homebuyer: More like a cloudy room, right honey?

Honey: (says nothing, lost in the beige carpet, contemplating a better life.)

HOT TUB ROOM

Personally, I’m here for This Old Tub, and Bath Wars.

Master Bedroom

Nihilist Realtor: a spokesperson for our times.

Master Bath

*in margins of The Great Gatsby*: The light at the end of the pier = desire?? How much Gatsby wants to see Daisy??? Love??? Foreshadowing??

Eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckelburg = how much Gatsby wants to see Daisy?? Foreshadowing??

(protip: you can never go wrong with foreshadowing in 9th grade hermeneutics)

Bedroom Two

(emerges from survival bunker, shivering, malnourished): a-are chevron prints out of style yet?

Den

Freshman Seminar in Structural Engineering (ENG 100): LACK: New Economies of Strength (MWF, 3 credits)

Finally, our favorite part:

Rear Exterior

Nihilist Realtor Voice: it’s the best kind of Rubix Cube, where there’s no solution and all of the colors are replaced with bleak voids.

Well, folks, that does it for North Dakota! Please join me this weekend for Looking Around: Bungalows and next week for our Ohio (!!!) McMansion. Have a great rest of the week!

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!

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