"I'M TELLING DAD ON YOU" - George Christensen, everyone.

After weeks of furore which has resulted in government MPs likening the anti-bullying campaign to paedophile “grooming” in parliament and politicians literally calling each other names in the hallways, we now have an official verdict on the Safe Schools program: it’s fine.

The result of the independent government-ordered review was delivered last night to a room of 30 Coalition MPs. Predictably upset with the recommendation to keep the program, it’s understood many of them then removed their trench coats, jumped off one another’s shoulders and revealed themselves as the 60 stroppy seven-year-olds they really are.

Unnamed MPs walked out of the meeting and have this morning described the review to the ABC as a “stitch up”, a “joke”, a “fraud”, and a “gateway drug”. “The general feeling was the inquiry wasn’t thorough enough and that the terms of reference were too tight,” said an MP described as “conservative”. Nationals MP Andrew Broad then told AAP he was pissed that the meeting was being reported on at all. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” he said, wilfully comparing elected government to a drunken buck’s night. “What happens in government meetings like that should stay at the meeting.”

Speaking of Education Minister Simon Birmingham (who commissioned the review from the University of Western Australia’s former professor Bill Louden), another MP said he should “fix this or resign”.

If you’re an MP who thinks the safety and visibility of LGBTI students are “offensive,” you should resign. It’s simple. #auspol #SafeSchools — Senthorun Raj (@senthorun) March 15, 2016

#SafeSchools a "gateway drug"? Time for Turnbull to pull these dinosaurs into line and protect LGBTI kids https://t.co/a5dbMbx8vM #auspol — Jason Ball (@greensjason) March 15, 2016

The Australian now reports that further action is on its way as well. Nationals MP and long-time defender of gronks George Christensen confirmed he would be circulating a letter today “asking for the Prime Minister to either axe the funding for the program or suspend the funding while a full-blown parliamentary inquiry is undertaken”.

This is all based on the argument that Professor Louden did not adequately examine the scope of the program (over the allotted two weeks, he reportedly visited five of the 500 schools where it’s used) and some are claiming he should have had more consultation with parents. However, in that time, he did manage to come up with a number of specific recommendations. Though Louden found no major fault in the program and saw no reason to defund it, he reportedly advises that teachers should be given more guidance with the online materials, parents could be offered an opt-out option, and information about transitioning genders would be better coming from a school counsellor rather than a teacher.

For some Coalition MPs, this was sufficient. Both Ewen Jones and Warren Entsch have this morning expressed both their support for the program and disappointment in their fellow party members. “Some of the hysteria around this shows a clear lack of understanding about the issues some of our children face,” Entsch told The Sydney Morning Herald.

If only there was a program around to teach them about it.