The Weekly World Wide Week (WWWW) has heard a rumour that the true purpose of Bill C-51 is to target Mummers. At this stage, details remain foggy. However, the mummering community is not sitting around on their boots which are on their hands waiting to find out.

Dozens of mummers will take to the streets tomorrow in St. John’s, Newfoundland and Labrador to protest the Bill after rumours began “floatin’ around” which indicated that the traditional festive group was specifically to be targeted by the Bill. They will be joined by non-Mummers all over the country who have organized to voice their discontent with C-51.

Mummering is a holiday house-visting tradition where neighbours, friends and family dress up in outrageous disguises and parade local residential streets. Anonymity is at the heart of the practice, as Mummers remain incognito until hosts are able to correctly guess their identiy. We asked one Mummer what exactly happens when the Mummers are welcomed into a home; “All ‘ell (sic) breaks lose” (s)he said without hesitation. This is said to include dancing, laughing, drinking and general carousing. It’s a custom that has deep routes in Newfoundland, dating back well over 200 years. One Mummer, overcome with emotion, said to WWWW “Me mudder was a mummer. Me mudders mudder was a mummer. Lard dyin’ me mudders mudders mudder even friggin’ mummered. And now you’re all of a sudden saying I’m not allowed to mummer no more? Don’t think so buddy”.

The Mummers plan to gather on May 30th in concert with Canadians everywhere who are concerned about the passing of Bill C-51 in the Canadian House of Commons. The official purpose of the bill is to eliminate any ‘threat to security of Canada’ which includes any activity that undermines the sovereignty, security or territorial integrity of Canada. It also includes some of the following: interference with the administration of justice; interference with diplomatic relations; the economic or financial stability of Canada; terrorism; and interference with critical infrastructure.”

The ruling Conservative Party under Stephen Harper and the Liberal Party under Justin Trudeau both support the bill.

Some Mummers believe that Bill C-51 goes well beyond the scope of protecting ordinary citizens and demonstrate concern that the Bill will be used to spy on them. Anything that threatens the secrecy paramount to the tradition threatens the Mummers themselves.

You’re friggin’ right I got somethin’ to hide

“You’re friggin’ right I got somethin’ to hide” said one Mummer, who refused to identify him or herself in compliance with the tradition. By utilizing ingressive speech (speaking while simultaneously inhaling) Mummers are capable of obscuring even their gender.

Public Safety Minister Steven Blaney testified before the Senate’s national security committee Monday, calling on senators to pass Bill C-51. “I always said there is no liberty without security… now I am convinced there is no prosperity without security.”

These statements did not sit well with several Mummers. One commented “No prosperity without security? Don’t know about that. Sure by’e (the) last few years we have been crankin’ money into security at break-neck speed and I meself don’t see any correlation whatsoever with prosperity. Last I checked wealth disparity has gone absolutely friggin ballistic since 9/11. There might be a bit of prosperity coming out of all this for a few people, but I’ll tell ya one thing, I doubt very much I’ll be seeing either piece of it”.

On June 25, 1861 the government made it illegal to wear a disguise in public without permission of the local magistrate. The Bill was a response to the death of Issac Mercer in Bay Roberts, NL. Mercer had been murdered by a group of masked mummers on December 28, 1860. The Mummers told WWWW “Just cause someone popped on a mask and did something crazy once, doesn’t mean it is going to happen often or ever again for that matter.” When asked if there was a chance that a Mummer was a member of ISIS one member was dismissive “I highly highly highly doubt it, let’s put it that way”.

“Sure by’e we spent the better part of a decade trying to get rid of terrorism didn’t we? Some plan that was. Open your eyes me son! More debt, more innocent lives lost and every time I flick on the NTV news I am bombarded with images telling me about how my imminent friggin’ death is coming down the pipe at the hands of some group that I have never even friggin’ seen let alone had any dealings with. If this is a war on terror we need a new strategy cause’ everyone I know is basically scared friggin’ shitless”.

I assume the minister raised eyebrows underneath several pillowcases and large doilies when he stated his intent to look into a concept he described as “pre-criminalization,” in order to prevent individuals from further falling into terrorism. This notion was, not surprisingly, met with skepticism amongst the masked protesters. “I don’t even know what that means” said one obscured Janneyer. Another noted that (s)he figured Newfoundlanders will be more “put out this weekend” by a “lack of ice” than “ a preponderance of ISIS”.

…everyone I know is basically scared friggin’ shitless

Some Mummer’s are resolute that they will keep on mumming whether or not Bill C-51 passes into Law. “Whatever it takes, I am protectin’ my privacy. If I got to stuff me underwear with three times the amount of plastic bags I usually employ for such a job then so be it. I’ll buy a bigger bra. I’ll buy several (h)uge bras and wear them overtop of one another if necessary. Like I said whatever it takes”.