Earlier today, a Florida man was found guilty of “not being metal enough” and sentenced to thirty days in the mosh pit with two years’ probation.

Bruce Dickinson (no relation to Iron Maiden) was originally arrested for failure to pay for two parking tickets he had received three years prior to his October 15th arrest. Dickinson claimed that he had sent payment out in each of these circumstances, waving his poorly balanced checkbook as proof. The judge, Thomas Blanc, asked Dickinson to respect the process and then paused to review the docket to be sure that he had the man’s name right.

“You’re not fucking Bruce Dickinson,” the record shows Judge Blanc stating plainly to the defendant, “you’re not even close. Someone get me this joker’s license and birth certificate.” According to those present, Dickinson looked puzzled and claimed that was his true name and that he “failed to see why it mattered.” Upon reviewing the documents, Judge Blanc stated that he was dismissing the charges related to the parking tickets, but found Dickinson guilty of not being metal enough.

“Just fucking look at him,” stated Judge Blanc, “there’s no way he even knows what metal is. He’s a living lie.” The district attorney seemed to concur. Dickinson’s lawyer claimed that he “couldn’t recall any such law in the state of Florida,” which the judge responded to by breaking out a second gavel and banging out the drum solo from the beginning of Judas Priest’s “Painkiller” on his podium, while the district attorney headbanged furiously.

Dickinson was removed from the courtroom to a soundtrack of “Breaking the Law” played on the district attorney’s cellphone.