When it's time for a woman to buy a Halloween costume, it can be difficult to find one without this particular modifier: sexy.

Sexy nurse. Sexy kitten. Sexy Kardashian. Sexy poop emoji.

Some say sexy Halloween is a farce, something that tricks women into thinking they have choices, but which shamelessly pressures them into parading around as debauched nuns and doe-faced dolls for men's enjoyment. Others say women should be encouraged to wear whatever they want on this holiday and every day — being playful with sexuality is something women are often denied, and displaying it is empowering.

Whichever camp you belong to, there's no disputing that Halloween is full of contradictions for women. While the costume aisles scream "sexy," the real-world reaction to women throwing back beers in black lingerie can range from judgmental to lewd to criminal.

Jasmine Shea, whose mantra is "my body doesn't apologize," has worn several provocative costumes, and says she's been touched or groped in all of them. The year she dressed up as the prototypical sexy schoolgirl, men wanted to know if she'd "been naughty." They asked if they could "spank [her] with a ruler." They touched her breasts without consent.

"So when is it OK?" Shea wondered about being able to dress as she likes. "When is it ever going to be OK?"

Every year, women all over America are faced with an absurd choice and find themselves in yet another double bind: Dress sexy on Halloween and risk being judged or harassed, or forgo the fishnets and risk being ridiculed or ignored. Halloween is a holiday marketed to be frivolous, but the narrow choices offered to women and girls for what to wear and how to act are not without serious consequences. With its hyperbolic portrayals of masculine and feminine stereotypes, Halloween offers a window into how we see men and women all year long.

Despite the hundreds of costumes for women to choose from, every decision is fraught.

"We’re not criticizing the women who make the choices,” said Lisa Wade, author of American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus and sociology professor at Occidental College. “We’re just acknowledging all of our choices are bad."

Examining 'choices'

“We should have the right to wear what we want to wear," said Erin Hipple, a co-author of the 2017 study Female Disempowerment Disguised as a Halloween Costume. "The question is 'why?' Why are we wearing it?"

Let's talk about some "whys":

Why women say they DON'T dress sexy on Halloween: Because a woman doesn't have to measure her worth by how good a random guy thinks she looks in a corset. And because one of the best parts of Halloween is the chance to flex creative muscle — to take on another persona, instead of performing a "sexy" version of yourself.

Why women say they DO dress sexy on Halloween: Because trying to curb women's choices is the whole problem in the first place. Women's bodies are policed every day of the year. Halloween is a welcome reprieve and a chance for women to express their sexuality, rather than repress it.

Why harassing women for either choice is NEVER OK: Some people say a woman who dresses like a "slut" deserves to be treated like a "slut," but women deserve respect no matter what they wear (or don't). And for those who forgo sexy Halloween completely? No one should be made to feel like Cady Heron in Mean Girls.

It seems like the women who embrace sexy Halloween and those who reject it are living in alternative universes. But the truth is they may have more in common than their costumes suggest. In some cases, their goal is the same: a world where women can do what they want with the bodies they were given. The difference, Wade says, is one line of thinking focuses on an individual woman's right to dress how she pleases, while the other focuses on the system that still says she can't.

In the debate over Miley Cyrus and what it means to be a feminist, Wade wrote in 2013:

"On the one hand, women are making individual choices. They are not complete dupes of the system. They are architects of their own lives. On the other hand, those individual choices are being made within a system. The system sets up the pros and cons, the rewards and punishments ... No amount of wishing it were different will make it so. No individual choices change that reality."

If we didn't live in a patriarchy, Wade said, women would truly have the freedom to dress as they choose. But we do. It's why women are damned if they do and damned if they don't when it comes to choices about attire.

Being 'sexy' vs. being 'sexual'

The argument over sexy Halloween isn't really about the merits of covering up vs. stripping down. It's about the distinction between being "sexy" and being "sexual."

"To be a full human being we want ... other people to find us desirable," Wade said. "And also we want to feel lust. But 'sexy' is being the object. 'Sexual' is being the agent."

A woman who is a sexual agent is in control — she has ownership over her body and her choices. A woman who is a sexual object is powerless, her body exists to please others. It's the difference between the lustful gaze your partner gives you during consensual sex, and the catcall you get from a stranger on the street.

It starts young

Women don't become sexual objects through some spontaneous process. The grooming is deliberate, and it starts early.

In the study Female Disempowerment Disguised as a Halloween Costume, which Hipple co-authored with social psychologist Lauri Hyers and West Chester University graduate student Jacqueline Sullivan, a sample of more than 1600 costumes showed boys are offered more choices for characters that represent power and action, while costumes marketed to young girls are sexualized (focused on attractiveness and seduction) and also include elements of infantalization (which emphasize innocence and submissiveness).

Hyers said they even saw this in baby girl costumes.

"If we see that happening, it means it’s selling," said Hyers, a professor of psychology at West Chester University. "We have to be proactive to not support that slow sort of encroachment on younger and younger girls.”

Elements of sexualization and infantlization are also present in costumes marketed to adults. Online retailer Yandy is selling a sexy costume called “Upside Down Honey,” which is modeled after Eleven, a 12-year-old female character from Netflix's hit show, Stranger Things.

What the costumes are doing, Hyers said, is "teaching self-objectification and teaching self-sexualization, and they’re teaching it very young."

Sexualization can happen when a person believes their value comes from how sexually appealing they are and is different from healthy sexuality, the American Psychological Association reported in 2007. It found that when young girls are sexualized, it can lead to increased rates of sexual violence as well as a greater likelihood of eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression.

What can we do?

Hipple, an adjunct professor of social work at West Chester University, said we shouldn't be pulling sexy Halloween costumes from the shelves, but adding more options into the mix.

“We want more variety,” she said.

If you see a company playing up gender divisions or sexualizing and infantalizing girls and women, consider boycotting them or writing a letter, she said. If you have kids, talk to them about what you see, so they, too, can be discerning consumers. If you're disillusioned by all the options marketed to you, Hipple adds, make a costume for yourself or your child. It can be far more empowering than dropping an overpriced one into your Amazon cart.

DIY:10 costumes you can put together for under $10

But Wade said the most important thing women can do is ditch what she calls the "theoretical dude" — the imaginary male we imagine in our minds when we're buying a costume, or even when we're trying on a sweater at the mall. It's who we worry about impressing.

"If you just decide that it does not matter if the men in the room think you look good, then all of this becomes really easy, because you dress however you like," Wade said, though she admits it isn't totally possible to exorcise the theoretical dude from your brain.

"It’s worth the battle," she said, "even if we know we’re never really going to win."

Sexy Halloween isn't going anywhere. And neither is the debate. The looming question remains: Can a woman define her own sexiness, dismissing everything she's been taught by men, media and culture about how to move in her body through the world?

“I think that’s a beautiful experiment,” Wade said. “But I don’t know. And I don’t think any of us are going to figure it out this Halloween.”

You might also be interested in:

These are the most popular Halloween costumes for kids and adults for 2017

5 reasons to let your daughter dress as a princess this Halloween

4 ways to save on Halloween costumes, candy and more

Alia E. Dastagir reports on gender, media and culture for USA TODAY. Follow her on Twitter @alia_e.