Each of Mario Balotelli’s last two goals have been late winners for Liverpool and each have prompted someone who should know better to criticize him for somehow not doing it properly. At this point, it has become clear that no matter what Balotelli does, someone will find a way to scold him for it. So in the interest of streamlining this process, here are a list of positive things Mario Balotelli might do and ways to turn them into negatives…

Mario scores a late winner

Criticism: He didn’t celebrate with his teammates, showing poor team spirit. (Courtesy Phil Neville)

Mario converts a late penalty

Criticism: He disrespected his teammates by not letting someone else take it. (Courtesy Steven Gerrard)

Mario scores a hat trick

Criticism: He didn’t pass enough. A more mature player wouldn’t have been as selfish.

Mario wins the World Cup

Criticism: Helping a country that racially abuses him succeed sends a terrible message. He’s rewarding deplorable behavior. Very irresponsible of him.

Mario makes his bib levitate using telekinetic powers

Criticism: Gravity is a law! And by breaking that law, Balotelli is nothing more than a physics criminal.

Mario wins the Nobel Prize for negotiating peace between Israel and Palestine

Criticism: There are a lot of people who have devoted their entire lives to this cause and just because this footballer actually got it done doesn’t mean he deserves all the credit. He shouldn’t have accepted the award.

Mario refuses the Nobel Prize for negotiating peace between Israel and Palestine

Criticism: This is a shockingly disrespectful act! He should have accepted the award!

Mario cures all forms of cancer

Criticism: He’s heartlessly ignoring everyone who suffers from other diseases.

Mario ends world hunger

Criticism: By feeding everyone, he’s fueling the obesity epidemic!

Mario becomes the first human to walk on Mars

Criticism: His camouflage spacesuit was in poor taste.

Mario reverses global warming

Criticism: Now Canadians will never be able to comfortably wear shorts in February!

Mario single-handedly makes everyone’s life perfect in every way

Criticism: He’s denying us the basic human right to be miserable about everything.