Alan MacMasters invented the first electric toaster but all we have to show for it is his perfectly coifed hair.

To begin, Wikipedia. If you don’t feel like it, don’t bother clicking the link. It’s his page, a simple four-sentence summary, albeit with some surrounding facts.

A summary of the summary:

BIRTH

Born 20 March 1865 in Edinburgh

Named Alan Alexander MacMasters

LIFE

Attended the University of Edinburgh

Became a scientist

Became an inventor

Created the first electric bread toaster

Became an industrialist

Electric bread toaster was commercially unsuccessful

Electric bread toaster was developed as “the Eclipse” under Crompton, Stephen J. Cook & Company

The Eclipse paved the way for the modern pop-up toaster

Charles Strite invented the modern pop-up toaster in 1919

DEATH

Died 25 December 1927 in Versailles, France

Died of heart failure

Died aged 62

AND

This “portrait” of Alan was taken “around the time of his toaster creation”

Quite a lot of info, actually. But still fairly bland. And so, we must fill in the blanks.

BIRTH

Born 20 March 1865 in Edinburgh

Cried

Named Alan Alexander MacMasters

LIFE

Pooped through his nappy

Learned to crawl by following the cat around

Ate mashed potatoes with his hands

Slept in a bed for the first time

Stepped on the cat one night

Developed a fear of the dark

Lost the cat in the street

Cried over the cat

Found the cat

Placed top in the class his fifth year

Stole a piece of candy

Was moved up a year in school

Felt bad about stealing the piece of candy

Cried over the cat’s death

Didn’t want to bury the cat

Dissected the cat

Bragged to his friends

Gained some friends

Lost some friends

Gained a love of science

Borrowed books on science

Learned to love to read

Learned to love to learn

Learned to love to love

Went out with a girl

Was broken up with by the girl

Studied

Went out with a girl

Found out girl was cheating on him with his friend

Lost a friend

Broke up with the girl

Went back to books

Decided to become scientist

Applied to the University of Edinburgh

Spoke with faculty at the University of Edinburgh

Attended the University of Edinburgh

Met a girl

Proposed to a girl

Was broken up with by the girl

Swore off relationships

Became a scientist

Dissected a cat

Lost funding

Fiddled around with laboratory gadgets

Became an inventor

Created a thingie mabob

Slept

Created a whatchamacallit

Ran into ex

Laughed at her domestic life with new husband

Went home for the weekend

Helped cook

Created the first electric bread toaster

Electric bread toaster was commercially unsuccessful

Became an industrialist

Electric bread toaster was developed as “the Eclipse” under Crompton, Stephen J. Cook & Company

Settled into life as a businessman

The Eclipse paved the way for the modern pop-up toaster

Ignored newspapers

Charles Strite invented the modern pop-up toaster in 1919

Boycotted bread

Became quite hungry

Stole a piece of candy

Did not feel bad

Felt pretty good

Chased it with some brandy

Chased it with some travel

Bought a cat companion

Made his way through England

Met a friendly sheep herder

Learned to spin wool

Reinvented the spinning wheel

Traveled to London

Rescued cat from tree in Hyde Park

Was mocked by people in park

Left England

Swam to France

Dried off cat with beach towel

Dabbed at his scratch wounds with beach towel

Promised to replace the stranger’s beach towel

Forgot to replace beach towel

Opted to move exclusively by foot

DEATH

Died 25 December 1927 in Versailles, France

Died aged 62

Died of heart failure

Cat dissected him to determine cause of death

AND

This “portrait” of Alan was taken “around the time of his toaster creation”

(Let it be said that all of our research beyond the words contained on his Wikipedia page we conducted by examining Master MacMaster’s furrowed brow and it’s surrounding facial neighbors.)

Because lives are not facts and numbers alone.