Sam: Ooh, look, this alien planet has been utterly wiped out a long time ago and we just found this beautiful-female-human-looking gynoid who's shut down. Let's take her back to SGC!

Jack: No. That would be stupid. You can study her here.

[Episode ends]

Doh, that was no fun. Hang on, trying again...

Jack: Are you sure it's safe?

Sam: Yep!

Jack: ...okay, let's bring her back.

~Back in Sam's lab at SGC~

Sam: Wow, this is CRAZY advanced. And look—there's nanotech self-repair bots inside it! They're currently inacti—

General Hammond: Get that thing back through the gate NOW, Major! The last time we had nanotech in here it almost killed Colonel O'Neill and destroyed the base.

Sam: But siiiirrrr!

General Hammond: We'll set up a lab for you on the other side of the gate. Get it out of here, immediately! That is a direct order, Major!

[Episode ends]

Damn, this is tough. Okay, how about this?

Sam: Wow, this is CRAZY advanced. And look—there's nanotech self-repair bots inside it! They're currently inactive, though. We'll need to get the Asgard to help us, because I totally don't understand what I'm looking at. Although, I did manage to figure out why she's shut down: she's out of batteries. And I've figured out how to make a new battery for this super-advanced thing that I totally don't understand. How's about we turn it on?

General Hammond: No. That would be stupid. Study her first, maybe get the Asgard in. Once you understand her better we'll consider turning her on.

[Episode ends]

Grrr. Hang on, trying yet again...

Sam: I've figured out how to make a new battery for this super-advanced thing that I totally don't understand. How's about we turn it on?

General Hammond: I love this plan, I'm excited to be part of it. Go for it.

Reese: Hi! My name's Reese! I know I look like a smoking-hot early-twenties chick, but I talk like a bratty six year old! I want my father! I went to sleep because he said there was a danger and that he would wake me up when it was over. Will you play with me? Can we go outside?

Daniel [to SG-1]: I don't think she knows she's a robot. We shouldn't tell her; it would be a huge shock.

Jack: Are you sure you're not just reacting to the fact that she looks smoking hot? Meh, whatever. I'm going back to the planet to check in with the team that's looking for technology.

~On the planet~

Team that's looking for technology: Hey Colonel, check this out: it's a replicator brick!

~Back at base~

Daniel: I don't get it; the replicators eat technology. Why would they have eaten everything else on the planet but not her?

Sam: Maybe she emits some kind of signal that repels them?

Jack: Or maybe she's a replicator herself, right? Replicators are robots made out of nanotech and so is she. Granted, she's smoking hot and they're made out of grey Legos.

Teal'c: That is an excellent point, O'Neill.

General Hammond: Get that thing back through the gate NOW, Major! If there's any chance at all that she's a replicator, I want her gone. We'll set up a lab on the other side and you can figure out which option it is over there.

[Episode ends]

Damnit. Sigh...

Daniel: Hi, Reese. Let's talk.

Reese: Look, Daniel! You were saying you wanted to have more fun, and I wanted to help, so I made you a toy! I was going to make you a replicator as a toy, but the last time I did that I lost control of them and they wiped out my planet, killed my father and all my friends, and then went away and left me all alone forever and ever. I thought maybe that wouldn't be a smart thing to do again. So, instead of a replicator I made you a teddy bear!

[Episode ends]

Damnit!

Reese: Look, Daniel, I made you a replicator as a toy!

~Five minutes later, the replicator is in a glass box in Sam's lab~

Jack: Why are we keeping this thing again?

Teal'c: An excellent question, O'Neill.

Sam: It doesn't seem to be doing anything, sir. Studying one could be immensely valu—

General Hammond: Get that thing back through the gate NOW, Major! Both the replicator and Reese! If she can make replicators, I want her gone. We'll set up a lab on the other side and you can continue to study her there.

[Episode ends]

Argh!

Sam: It doesn't seem to be doing anything, sir. Studying one could be immensely valuable.

Reese: Grr! I'm angry because you told me that I'm a robot and now you're going to hate me and be afraid of me and try to kill me! That's what happened back on my world—people told me that my father made me wrong, so I made lots of replicators to protect myself, and I taught them how to make more of themselves and then I lost control of them and they—

Management: Skip!

Reese: I'm going to make lots of replicators and take over the base!

~Five minutes later, General Hammond and Sam are at the SGC's self-destruct device. Hammond is carrying a SPAS-12 shotgun and showing what a badass he is.~

General Hammond: Three, two, one, turn! The device is armed. Either we contain this thing or in five minutes we're all gone, so are Reese and the replicators, and the Earth is safe.

Daniel [in 'Gate room with Reese, surrounded by replicators]: Reese, I want to be your friend. Please, shut down your toys and come with me. I'll show you my world.

Reese: Okay! [goes with him]

Daniel: stealthily reaches to pull her batteries out

Reese: Grrr! You were trying to trick me! I will jack you up in a nasty yet poorly-executed wrist lock and then send my replicators to destroy everything! Well...everything except you, the person who is right in front of me and has just pissed me off.

Daniel: Please, Reese! The replicators have destroyed multiple worlds! Shut them down, go to sleep. I promise I'll wake you up as soon as we can figure things out. I won't let anyone hurt you, I swear. Also, your father made you wrong!

Reese: I'm so scared and indecisive! I don't know what I should do!

Jack, bursting in through door: You should die! Bang, bang, goes my shotgun!

Reese: I die! I will lie back down in the same position as when I went to sleep. I'm sure that my self-repair nanobots won't be at all capable of dealing with some buckshot.

~Every replicator in the base suddenly turns into individual Legos~

Daniel [crying]: Jack, you stupid son of a bitch. You just shot the only chance we'll ever have of stopping the replicators. She was stopping. The replicators didn't die because you shot her, they died because she told them to.

Jack: And I had no way to know that! Daniel, this was the only way this could go down, and you know it.

Daniel: Yeah, you're right. Never mind.

Cast of the Buffy musical episode: Well the battle's done...and we kinda won...so let's raise our victory cheer. [depressed silence follows]

[Episode ends, and Management FINALLY doesn't have to do another take]

A note from Management: Colonel Hammond is by far my favorite secondary character. He is a great leader, a total badass, and a savvy political infighter. This particular chapter is dedicated to the late lamented Don S. Davis, the talented actor who did such a great job bringing General Hammond to life.