CHICAGO—Noting that his fellow employee constantly engages in the infuriating habit without a thought for anyone around him, local man Robert Mauro told reporters Wednesday his annoying coworker Greg Shapiro insists upon existing right there in Mauro’s visual range. “Jesus, some people are just trying to work here—does this prick really have to sit there all day, right in my face, just being?” said Mauro, who complained that Shapiro aggravates him day in and day out by continuously enduring as a discrete entity so close to him. “Every time I look up from my laptop, he’s always doing this frustrating thing where his mass reflects light into my pupil and forms a perception within my brain. It’s fucking unbearable. And it’s every day with this ‘maintaining a single personal identity through space and time’ bullshit. I understand if he wants to exist in the privacy of his own home, but does he seriously have to do it at work?” At press time, sources confirmed Shapiro was complaining about Mauro’s own annoying habit of arriving at work and spending the entire day breathing.

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