So on Saturday, September 1st I got married. We were planning a big, traditional wedding when my mother passed away. You can imagine how that effected my anxiety. It’s back, with a vengeance. I just couldn’t go through a big wedding with all this anxiety. There was no way. So we decided on a small, intimate ceremony at a local restaurant. It was perfect, I didn’t have to do a lot of planning and it was short and sweet.

The day of the wedding my anxiety was horrendous. Myself and some girlfriends went to get our nails done. It was so relaxing and nice, I could feel the stress melting away. If only I could sit in a massaging chair having a small Asian man massaging my feet and legs forever. We went to lunch after, and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. I tried to let the other girls see my hands shake as I took a drink of water from my glass. My chest got tight, I quietly gasped for air, all while trying to portray an aura of calmness. I contemplated going to the bathroom to have a quick cry, but I stood my ground. We finished up and I headed home.

Feeling slightly better, I tried to lay down and take a nap before the wedding. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I tossed and turning, trying to find a position where I couldn’t feel my racing heartbeat. I eventually fell asleep and woke up with an hour before the wedding.

I started doing my hair and makeup. Do you know how hard it is to put on liquid eyeliner when your hands are shaking?! Hard. I had a dress to wear, but when I put it on it was so tight I thought I was going to pass out. I was hot, sweating and freaking out. I took it off, changed into another dress and tried to calm down. It didn’t work. By this time I had taken a Xanax and was just hoping it would kick in before the wedding . I started crying, and couldn’t stop. I was shaking and sweating and crying. I was a mess. It was hard to think about going through this without my mom. I wanted her there, I needed my mom. It was my wedding, she is supposed to be here. I couldn’t stop crying, and I looked like Tammy Faye Baker. It was not a good look. I called and talked to my dad, which helped. I cleaned my face, and got into the car.

When we got there all my fears went away. I want to think its because I was able to self sooth, but I think it was the Xanax. Either way, I had a wonderful night. I got through my wedding in one piece, and I actually had fun.

Now my fear is the honeymoon. I want to be able to enjoy myself, but I know I’ll have anxiety.

I keep telling myself I’m fine. When I feel anxious, I just have to remind myself I’m not going to die. It’s hard. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And every time I get anxious, I feel its a setback. Even when I feel good, I feel like there is something wrong. Like it’s too good to be true. My next goal is to just enjoy the moment. Live my life minute to minute.

I read a quote somewhere and I loved it. “No amount of worry will add even one hour to one’s life.” I have to remember that, worrying won’t help anything, it can’t change anything.