Why Won’t You Just Let Us Pass a Health Care Bill and Kill a Few Million People?

Dear America,

At this point, it’s just getting frustrating. Time and time again, our party’s leaders have drafted and presented health care bills to repeal and replace Obamacare. We’ve tried this thing from all possible angles, but the backlash to each potential bill has been so severe that we haven’t been able to get anything passed. Where is all this negativity coming from?

We had Paul Ryan take a crack at an alternative health care bill, but he blew it hard. Then, Mitch McConnell stepped up to the plate, and he also blew it hard. Now, this thing is in the hands of Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy, but constituent phone calls disparaging the bill are flooding all of our offices. This has forced our party to ask the American people a very important question: do you not want us to kill a few million people or something?

Look, we’re trying our best here. At any given point, we have twelve or so of our best and brightest old white men working on a health care alternative to Obamacare. A bunch of guys named Bradley and Ralph will not rest until working class Americans are screwed over real badly. It’s disheartening because we’re trying so hard, yet the American people still seem intent on rejecting any legislation we present just because a few million people might die. It’s almost like you people don’t want us to murder a huge chunk of the country.

Yes, we were the obstructionist party for eight years and we halted as much legislation as possible. But, now that we have control of Congress, we’re hell-bent on getting stuff done. We want to pass legislation! So, why won’t the American people just let us pass a health care bill that’ll treat pregnancy like a pre-existing condition and raise premiums for sick people? It’s completely ridiculous that you won’t let us kill a lot of poor people. Is that what this is all about? The millions of people who will die because they won’t be able to afford health care if we pass one of these bills? These very negative reactions to our death bills confuse and demoralize us.

Do you not like the name of the bill or something? Just say the word and we can have one of the Bradleys try naming the new health care bill something a bit more flashy. We just want to understand why so much skepticism is getting tossed our way. Is it all the impending death and suffering that any of these bills will entail? That can’t possibly be it. Why would so many average American citizens be against a systematic culling of the country’s working class, elderly, and disabled populations? It doesn’t make sense to us at all.

Lately, we feel like we just can’t win with you. Please let us pass a health care bill and kill a few million people. What is so wrong with that? Just let us do it. At the very least, you’ll need to explain to us why you disagree so intently with us unleashing a legislative plague across America.

Sincerely,

The GOP