The Mill has never had any truck with the idea that you can solve a problem just by throwing money at it. Unless of course the problem in question happens to be (a) a sadistic and unrelenting table-side mariachi band in an otherwise deserted Mexican restaurant; (b) an illegal money-throwing competition; (c) a small house fire the size of a rumpled £5 note; or (d) everything to do with Chelsea Football Club.

Luckily this seems to be a view shared by the world's wealthiest man in a denim jacket, Roman Abramovich, who according to the Sun "will give Carlo Ancelotti £100MILLION to rebuild the Chelsea team". Top of a hastily scribbled list is Fernando Torres, followed by the gnome-like Sergio Agüero, the hulking Maicon, the medium-sized Bastian Schweinsteiger and "a new goalkeeper". On the way out: obsolete jinker Joe Cole, strangely insubstantial part-success Nicolas Anelka and hangers-on Henrique Hilário, Paulo Ferreira and Juliano Belletti.

The role of Ray Wilkins is going to be "looked into" which sounds tremendous and super, and shouldn't take too long. Some men called "assistant coaches Paul Clement and Christophe Lollichon" are also going to get it. In the Mirror Abramovich has had time to look in the pockets of his other jeans and Chelsea are looking at "a potential outlay of £140m-plus". Names hurled about include Torres, Franck Ribéry, David Villa, Marek Hamsik, Angel Di María, Agüero, Schweinsteiger, Maicon, Giampaolo Pazzini, Simon Kjaer and deliciously light Belgian dessert Moussa Dembele.

It might be simpler to mention all the footballers Chelsea are not interested in. Or simply to make up an international-sounding footballer name, for example Jean-Pierre Von Diarra di Maria of Finnish giants Dinamo Nokia, and cube him or endlessly anagramise him or build him out of old hands and feet.

Also in the Mirror Aston Villa want to sign waddling goal-smurf Robbie Keane for £9m. QPR are struggling to keep Argentinian midfielder Alejandro Faurlín. Faurlín signed from Institute FC for £3.5m. Tony Mowbray is "a big admirer". And the man hit by John Terry's car has said it wasn't his fault. "There's no bad feeling at all on my part," security guard said, presumably while having the lingering personalised design of Terry's front bumper tattooed on to his empurpled shin for posterity.

In the Daily Mail Martin O'Neill is whirling his mace, flourishing his trident and clanking slowly down the M6 in his iron suit after "entering the battle to sign Wigan's £15m-rated Hugo Rodallega". Birmingham and Stoke are also interested.

Bristol City manager Gary Johnson may be sacked after "an alleged altercation with his players". And the popular and fashionable Kjaer, still at Palermo, could yet be off somewhere. "'It would take an offer to which you can't say no to arrive for me to leave here," he said yesterday, ordering Robert Duvall to leave his Hollywood villa. Back in the Sun José Mourinho has issued "a come and get me call to top Premier League clubs" by saying, vaguely: "Who knows, in the future I may coach another English team," all the while presumably performing a complex 10-minute mime sequence intended to convey a sense of longing and wistfulness.

Roman Pavlyuchenko has "performed a dramatic U-turn and pledged his future to Tottenham" by saying: "I will think about my future in May." Juventus president Jean-Claude Blanc says Felipe Melo will not join Arsenal this summer. Roy Keane and his mannequin-esque helmet-hairstyle will be sacked by Ipswich at the end of the season.

Gary O'Neil's wife wants Middlesbrough to miss the play-offs so she can go on holiday. "Holidays soon ... please keep losing no play-offs xxx," Donna O'Neil wrote on her Facebook page. But good news for Gordon Strachan. Mrs O'Neil's status update "in no way reflects Gary's commitment to Middlesbrough's promotion push", according to his red-faced, shiny-suited Mr 10%.

And some good news finally for England's Three Brave Lions as they launch a tearful sad brave cheated weeping World Cup glory brave foreign cheat hunt disaster. David Beckham will be hanging around primping his quiff as "their inspirational 'Fourth Lion'". And he wants to sit in the dugout too. "He belongs on the bench with Capello and the team," lied a sycophant. "That's where he's the most use." Beckham, who has a "use", is pictured being driven away from the hospital (a) with his wife; and (b) in a jarringly non-prestige people carrier. "He looked miserable," said an onlooker.

And on Goal.com Landon Donovan says he wouldn't play for any English club other than Everton. "Playing at Goodison Park is really special," he said in America. "There's something about a historic place. People have gone there for years," he added, adjusting his pastel-coloured nylon anorak, harassing a Beefeater and asking you to take a picture of him doing a thumbs-up in front of a phone box.