At a press conference yesterday, Google announced that it had purchased the National Security Agency (NSA) from the US government. The Obama administration had posted the agency on eBay earlier that day, and Google used the “Buy It Now” feature to secure the purchase. Google spokesperson Charlie Snort explained that the timing of the purchase was perfect. “This appears to be the final tool, or piece of the puzzle as it were, which will enable Google to complete its stated mission to collect and catalog all available data of not only those living in the United States and among the free world, but indeed, all seven billion people on earth.” Snort added that Google already had the ability to filter most email traffic and capture the inner most personal thoughts and desires of the public. Now, however, with its newly acquired intelligence agency, the company will be able to assure any entity seeking to purchase information the from Mountain View, California company that it can feel confident that few if any secrets remain. “Very little mystery will continue to exist concerning any particular target,” Snort added. The spokesperson was quick to correct his use of the word “target” and explained he meant to say “person.” “Our customers can now feel comfortable that whether they need to know the favorite cuisine of the First Lady of France, or the lingerie tastes of the guy down the street, Google stands ready to deliver.”

Reached during a rare appearance at a White House briefing, President Obama proudly described the sale as a major coup for his administration. “This is yet another example of my administration’s continued willingness to reach across party lines in the spirit of compromise. My friends in The Tea Party haven’t been able to shut up about the need to shrink government and privatize traditional governmental operations. Well, here you go. Heck, I’ve attended several top security briefings during my tenure as Commander and Chief, and it’s clear to me that most of the ‘intelligence’ the NSA has gathered as of late is from Google anyway. Just wait until Google staffers unlock the doors to the NSA offices. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and see their faces. Believe me, all they’re going to find is a bunch of notepads with Google passwords written on them. Okay, they might find a Yahoo account in there too, but, come on….” he added with his trademarked chuckled. “Now, instead of calling in a representative from the NSA for a briefing, I can just type my inquiry into my Google taskbar. And,” he added with a grin, “don’t forget to note that we got our ‘Buy It Now’ price on eBay. How often does that happen? Suckers! This was yet another Obama victory for the American People.”

Later in the day, Google issued a written press release assuring citizens of the United States that the new division of its company collecting and cataloging terrorist threats to the American people would be provided to law enforcement agencies at “a steep discount.”

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