Man’s Pleas for Help Dismissed as Self-Deprecating Humor

RICHMOND, Ind. — Depressed man Mike Calkins’s cries for help yesterday were laughed off again by friends and colleagues, due to his frequent use of self-deprecating humor as a defense mechanism, sources completely unaware of their friend’s suffering confirmed.

“Whenever I’m feeling down, I can always count on Mike to give me a laugh: he doesn’t take life or himself too seriously, and it’s refreshing to hear that these days,” remarked coworker Bridget Hayes. “Today he came into the office an hour late and totally unkempt, and when I asked him what was up, he just replied by saying, ‘There is no sense in putting nice clothes on a pile of garbage,’ and that he spent 10 minutes crying in his car before he could even muster the strength to come into the office. He cracks me up — having him around always makes the day better.”

Longtime friends of Calkins now know the 33-year-old’s own brand of comedy so well, they can no longer differentiate between jokes and actual threats of self-harm.

“I don’t know where Mike comes up with his material, but the dude has had me in stitches for as long as I’ve known him,” stated friend and roommate Jake Kelly. “Yesterday, I think he spent the whole day in bed with his door shut… and when he finally emerged, he smelled awful and said sleep was the only way he could avoid dealing with the soul-crushing pain he was going through. That line alone would’ve floored me, but when he asked me to please take my hunting rifle out of the house because he was worried he might hurt himself, I practically shit myself laughing.”

When asked for comment, Calkins replied with one of his patented, irreverent remarks.

“I haven’t really showered in three days or so, but I don’t really care. My mind tends to wander too much in the shower, so I’ve been avoiding them,” Calkins said while chain smoking. “My insurance doesn’t really cover my meds, so I’ve been drinking until I pass out to avoid reality. I know it’s not healthy, but what can you do? Sometimes I think I should go ahead and drive my car off a bridge, but with my luck, I’d probably survive and end up with a medical bill I couldn’t pay.

At press time, Calkins was pleading with a suicide hotline operator to stop laughing at him.