St. Louis, MO—

After a morning of protesting at the local Planned Parenthood, several Evangelical demonstrators took a break from screaming obscenities at young women getting medical checkups in order to go to the mall and scream obscenities at the apathetic employees of the West County Mall’s H&M clothing store for selling polyester clothing.

“A lot of other Evangelicals don’t realize this,” explained protest organizer Sally Shelderson, a resident of St. Charles, “But the Bible specifically forbids mixing fibers in your clothes in Leviticus 19:19. So I got to thinking that we couldn’t only be protesting abortion if our goal was to truly spread ALL the warnings of eternal damnation in the Lord’s holy book. In fact, many of our fellow Christian protesters who only get involved when it calls for slut-shaming baby murderers actually wear polyester shirts and socks themselves! They’re protesting one sin while literally committing another! I even saw one protester this morning eating a cobb salad with shrimp on it. Shrimp! Can you believe it? Have these other Christian protesters ever even read Leviticus?”

Ms. Shelderson has built up an Evangelical following in recent years thanks to her insistence that many more aspects of modern life deserve public shaming than just abortion.

“I loved her concept of diversity in protest subjects,” explained Tenika Doyle of South City, an enthusiastic member of Shelderson’s efforts. “If you only protest one variety of sinner, like Planned Parenthood patients, you find yourself committing sins of very dark judgement, and I don’t think Jesus would appreciate that much. So if you spread out the Biblical criticism a little, you can more kindly remind a wider diversity of people how wonderfully inconvenient fundamentalist approaches to Christianity can be. And isn’t that the point of religion? To be so burdened with contemporarily arbitrary rules and regulations on daily life that you can’t help but be brutally reminded of God’s omnipresent judgement? I think so! And that’s why all these H&M shoppers need a good reminder that the mixing of fibers is a Biblical faux pas, even though I don’t 100% understand why from a practical sense. Modern polyester clothes may have stronger fibers than cotton, and don’t wear down as quickly, wrinkle as much, or shrink so dramatically, but surely the ancient goat-herding epileptics who passed down the Bible’s rules orally for hundreds of pre-literate years had a perfectly legitimate reason to ban it. God works in mysterious ways, you know? As a young, socially woke person, however, I’d also like to protest H&M’s suspiciously cheap prices, which indicate a certain degree of Asian sweatshop labor in H&M’s supply chain, but it’s frustrating that the Bible apparently finds no moral qualms with child slavery. I’ve looked! It actually has way more restrictions against bad-mouthing your parents than enslaving people for life. It’s puzzling. Sometimes it’s so hard to interpret what God wants. It would be nice if He maybe updated the Bible a bit some day, and cleared up some of the ambiguous passages, you know?”

The H&M store employees, meanwhile, all agreed they were not paid enough to care about the protests going on in front of their store.

“This protest, or whatever it is, is pretty weird,” explained H&M’s Cheyenne Moore, the afternoon shift’s designated clothes folder. “But I ate a pot brownie before coming in, so I’ve just been chilling listening to headphones while folding. It’s pretty easy to zone them out. They’re kind of blocking the entrance and obstructing customers from coming in, but I guess I don’t really care because I make the same amount of money per hour if we have one customer all day or ten thousand customers, so…. If my boss or the H&M corporate higher-ups were willing to share some of the increased profits that my increased monotonous, soul-sucking work creates, I might work a little harder. But they’re not, so…. Adequate and fair compensation with legitimate trickle-down economic bonuses would inspire me to care more, but the structural profit mobility trickles only upward from my minimum wage drone work. I may be rambling because I’m really high. In fewer words, I don’t want to have to come behind a bunch of disrespectful shoppers and refold all the clothes they inevitably mess up and leave in random places all throughout the store, so I’m happy the protesters are blocking the door.”

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(Picture courtesy of Elvert Barnes.)

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