Julian Assange and David Icke become more alike every day. Both are white-haired blokes with a messiah complex who love nothing more than wagging an erect index finger at the hidden conspiracies of evil men who control world affairs and stupid people’s minds. Can you tell Assange’s ravings from Icke’s bollocks? It’s time to find out. See if you can guess which of Britain’s two best-loved bonkers spectres said the following. (The answers come directly after each quotation, but, like the Illuminati, they are hidden – click ‘Answer’ to see them revealed. Don’t cheat. We are watching. We are always watching.)

1) ‘Information flows from conspirator to conspirator. Not every conspirator trusts or knows every other conspirator even though all are connected.’

answer

Assange

2) ‘[My relationship with the UK media] is not that great, particularly the BBC. They are going to broadcast a show… we finally found out that the producer’s wife for this show was part of the Zionist movement.’

answer

Assange

3) ‘Zionism is a subject that all but a few are either too ignorant or too frightened to tackle and expose, but it must be made public.’

answer

Icke

4) ‘We saw the smirking American politicians yesterday. The honey-trap has been sprung. Dark forces are at work. After what we’ve seen so far, you can reasonably conclude this is [all] part of a greater plan.’

answer

Assange

5) ‘I believe the human race has developed a form of collective schizophrenia in which we are not only the slaves to this imposed thought behaviour, but we are also the police force of it.’

answer

Icke

6) ‘Today, the stranglehold of the controlling negative forces upon Earth is extremely advanced and is choking the very life from our planet.’

answer

Icke

7) ‘If all conspirators are assassinated or all the links between them are destroyed, then a conspiracy no longer exists. This usually requires more resources than we can deploy.’

answer

Assange

8) ‘We will use connected graphs as a way to apply our spatial reasoning abilities to political relationships. These graphs are very easy to visualise. First take some nails (“conspirators”) and hammer them into a board at random. Then take twine (“communication”) and loop it from nail to nail without breaking. Call the twine connecting two nails a link. Unbroken twine means it is possible to travel from any nail to any other nail via twine and intermediary nails.’

answer

Assange

9) ‘Hitler’s Europe… Yes, welcome to Hitler’s Europe. Come on, human race – for our children’s sake if not our own. This is wakey, wakey time.’

answer

Icke

10) ‘When we look at an authoritarian conspiracy as a whole, we see a system of interacting organs, a beast with arteries and veins whose blood may be thickened and slowed until it falls, stupefied, unable to sufficiently comprehend and control the forces in its environment.’

answer

Assange

Brendan O’Neill is editor of spiked.