I use the word “plea” with purpose here, defined as “a serious and emotional request”. I ask in humility and vulnerability, as a human being that feels insecurities and hurt just like anyone else. I approach this with no desire to accuse, attack, or demean, but rather to admit my deepest vulnerabilities as a person, reaching out to others in hope for empathy and understanding. I know this is a touchy subject, but it carries a lot of importance in my life and the lives of some of my closest friends and family.

Starting around the 1960s, a man named John Bowlby revolutionized psychology with the development and publication of his Attachment Theory. To keep it simple, human beings have an innate need for affection/security/belonging/attachment. This need is ingrained into our genes. It is a physical need, as necessary as food, water, and shelter. In fact, it has been observed that children raised in orphanages and deprived of physical touch suffer from severe delays in physical growth and neurobehavioral development, despite being clothed and fed. Regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, socioeconmic status, height, weight, etc – all humans have an innate need to be loved, to be accepted, to belong.

Though I am no longer a member of the LDS religion, my husband and the majority of my in-laws are members. This past weekend, the LDS church held their semi-annual general conference where millions listened for guidance and direction. I watched with my husband, an active Mormon.

During the Saturday session, Mr. Uchtdorf gave the statement “Skepticism is easy—anyone can do it. It is the faithful life that requires moral strength, dedication, and courage. Those who hold fast to faith are far more impressive than those who give in to doubt when mysterious questions or concerns arise.” As I heard this statement and many others like it, my heart began to sink and ache as my attachment “alarms” went off.

The people who I loved most were being told that I, as a non-believer, was weak, cowardly, and unintelligent. They were told that my feelings, experiences, and opinions were invalid and inconsequential.

I want to leave any reasons for my leaving the LDS church and any discussion on whether it is “true” or not entirely out of this conversation. Regardless of any of that, I can tell you that being skeptical and leaving the religion of your childhood and your family is anything but easy. It is a long process full of deep thought, study, prayer, and time. It is driven by a strong, intense desire to find truth, even if it means going against the current. It goes against your innate need for belonging (since the Mormon religion often becomes the primary community for these individuals). It is scary, it is courageous, and it is hard.

In my experience alone, though my parents and siblings themselves have been incredibly supportive, I’ve received messages, texts, emails, and facebook comments from others that directly attack and belittle me. I’ve been called “pathetic”, “dark”, “lost”, “cowardly”, and “pitiful”. People have said that if I say I’m leaving for any reason other than emotional trauma, then I am surely lying. I’ve been told “misery loves company” when I try to reach out to others for love and support. I’ve been told I’ve doomed myself to a lifetime of misery if I don’t come back. There’s been even worse, things I won’t share due to their personal nature. Stories of children who have been kicked out, disowned by their parents, cut off from any financial support for college, and full grown adults barred from speaking to their relatives abound in the Mormon community. These experiences are common for those who leave the LDS church.

To be clear, I am in no way making an accusation or saying that ALL Mormons treat ex-Mormons or non-Mormons this way. Many Mormons appreciate human worth separate from religious orientation and treat all human beings with equal love and acceptance, and it is wonderful! My point here is not that Mormons are mean. Mormons are generally kind, loving individuals trying to do the right thing, just like anyone else. My point here is simply that the negative treatment of ex-Mormons by believing Mormons DOES HAPPEN, and efforts should be made on all parts to minimize and eradicate these occurrences.

Mr. Uchtdorf’s message this conference weekend, and others like it, seemed to be a step in the wrong direction. It created a hierarchy in which those who cling to faith are superior (“far more impressive”) than those with a skeptical, inquisitive nature. It belittles the experiences and fears of those who appreciate the undeniable value of skepticism. It diminishes the incredibly hard journey (read: being told you’re pathetic and cowardly by friends and family, being disowned and rejected, etc) and courage of those who choose the skeptical, analytical approach to information.

Please keep in mind that the reasons you choose to be a part of the Mormon religion are relative. They are unique to you. They can be traced back to specific feelings, experiences, and thoughts in your lifetime. Our feelings, experiences, and thoughts are our own; they are relative. All paths to and from religion are equally valid. Your thoughts are not superior to mine, your experiences do not invalidate my own, and my opinions do not make yours any less valuable.

Please keep in mind that Mormons make up approximately 0.1% of the world population. That means 99.9% of the world finds spiritual peace, fulfillment, and direction outside of your religion. Regardless of which religion is true, it is critical that we remove any colored glasses that categorize humans based on superficial labels. You are a human being. I am a human being. Regardless of our differences, we need each other, we need to love each other, we need to validate each other, and we need to remove barriers that prevent this.

Your reasons for being Mormon are valid. My reasons for leaving the Mormon religion are valid. Because these decisions are relative, both can be equally valid without threatening the other! You find great comfort and peace in the Mormon church. I did not and do not. It’s ok for both of those statements to occur simultaneously!

Please do not diminish, belittle, or disregard the very valid reasons and difficult journey of those who choose to leave the LDS church. Please do not allow yourself to be belittled, diminished, or disregarded for staying in the LDS church. We are all equal. We all matter. We can have equally valid yet contradictory feelings, experiences, and thoughts without threatening the innate value and worth of each other. What matters most is that underneath all of this static and these opposing viewpoints, every human being can bond over our innate need for one another. We can cross these unnecessary and artificial barriers that keep us isolated and reach for each other. We have to be able to able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help others respond to us. We have to be able to accept love and to reciprocate. As Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, says “…love is not a mystical, mysterious force that sweeps us off our feet […] It is our survival code and contains an exquisite logic that we are now able to understand. This means that a resilient, deeply satisfying love relationship (which can apply to romantic love, love between friends, and familial love) is not a dream, but an attainable goal for us all. And that changes everything.” (Johnson, Sue. (2008). Hold Me Tight. New York: Little, Brown, and Company.)