WASHINGTON—Counseling a worried nation in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump used his televised address Friday to advise Americans worried about contracting coronavirus to just get a doctor who always tells them they are in perfect health. “For all of you out there who are worried about contracting the respiratory illness, I would recommend enlisting the service of a doctor who will just say you are totally healthy no matter what,” said the commander in chief, specifying that it’s best to find a dubiously qualified physician who is not at all respected in their field and willing to cast aside all medical ethics in order just blindly tell you that you’re in great shape without even conducting any actual tests. “If you have any concerns about this disease, just go out and get yourself a physician who will blatantly lie to you about how you’re way healthier than other people your age in order to flatter your fragile ego. Seriously, there’s nothing to be afraid of, people; all you need to do is find some spineless coward who will just give you a thumbs up and say ‘looks good’ regardless of your symptoms.” Trump later continued the address by promising all Americans that enlisting the help of doctors like these will be free and easy under his newly proposed healthcare plan.

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