PARENTING SECRET OF THE WEEK Ten Tips for Peaceful Parenting Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child Have a strong-willed child? You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.

What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints.



Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears.



Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, strong-willed kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents. However, it takes two to have a power struggle. You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited!



If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. (Don't let your four year old make you act like a four year old yourself!)

No one likes being told what to do, but strong-willed kids find it unbearable. Parents can avoid power struggles by helping the child feel understood even as the parent sets limits. Try empathizing, giving choices, and understanding that respect goes both ways. Looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids aren't just being difficult. They feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to another person's will. If they're allowed to choose, they love to cooperate. If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd ask you to reconsider.

Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate, cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to. Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right. So of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because he's obedient, meaning that he always does what someone bigger tells him to do. No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because he's learned that even though you can't always say yes to what he wants, you have his best interests at heart. You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by someone else.

Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others who often will not serve his highest interests. What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents.

That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

Here are my top ten tips for Peaceful Parenting your strong-Willed, spirited Child.... Finish article at Aha! Parenting website Siblings Siblings: Less Drama, More Love If you have more than one child, you're bound to have some sibling rivalry. It's very, very hard for children to have to share us. In fact, when a younger sibling is born, virtually all children worry that they've lost their parents' love. Why else would you have gotten a newer, younger, model?

In addition to sibling rivalry, kids can have personality clashes, or clashes because they're different ages and want different things --or because they're close in age and want the same things!

Finally, like other humans who live together, even the most loving siblings have bad days and conflicts. And kids don't have the perspective to know it's not necessarily the other person's fault, or the skills to work out differences.

But your children can be friends for life, and your parenting can prevent and even transform sibling tensions. How? 1. Teach your children skills to get along with each other. All human relationships will have some conflict, and we can't expect kids to automatically know how to work things out peacefully. But most adults didn't learn good social-emotional or conflict-resolution skills as children, so we don't know how to teach them to our kids. We tell children to use their words, but often they don't know what words to use, and when they're upset, they can't access those reasonable words.

So parents can expect to have to set limits over and over, giving kids the language to express their needs and solve their problems, without attacking each other. This is a skill they will use in every relationship for the rest of their lives. And yes, if you do this consistently, you will see your children begin to use this language with each other, without you needing to intervene! Here's a simple but very effective three-step process to teach skills when you need to set limits on how your children are interacting. Acknowledge feelings or wants: “You wanted your brother to stop pressing your nose, so you pinched him.”

“You wanted your brother to stop pressing your nose, so you pinched him.” Set limit: “No pinching. Pinching hurts.”

“No pinching. Pinching hurts.” Teach alternatives: “Tell your brother ‘Stop touching me!’” 2. Rather than jumping in to admonish your child when she bothers her sibling, coach the other child to stand up for himself. If you always defend one child, the other child becomes convinced you love the sibling more, and sibling tensions get worse. Instead, coach both children to express their needs, and back them up as necessary.

Dad: “Daniel, you look upset. What don’t you like? Can you tell your sister?

Daniel: “Daniel don’t like pushing!”

Dad: "Serena, Daniel says he doesn’t like being pushed. Will you stop pushing or do you need my help to move away?” 3. Institute self-regulated turns instead of forced sharing, to foster generosity and lessen conflict. Make a family rule that when you're playing at home, each child can use the toy she has for as long as she wants it, up to the next meal..... Finish article at Aha! Parenting website Question OF THE WEEK How do I stand up for my toddler at the playground? Dr. Laura......This may seem minor to some people, but handling these types of situations is new to me now that my 2 year old is socializing more. She was at the sand box and realized someone left the community shovel that they use at the other side of the park. She walked all the way over to the other side of the park to get it. When she returned to the sandbox, another 2 1/2 yr old boy took it from her before she had a chance to use it. The mom didn't intervene and I feel awkward "parenting" someone else's kid. ...But part of me is crushed thinking I should have stuck up for her and let her know that it's ok to not let people walk all over her.



There is no right answer, and I am sure other parents may have other answers, but here's a possible course of action: As soon as Oliver grabs the shovel and Aurora looks to you for guidance, you can move in close, smile at them both and start describing the situation. "Aurora had the shovel....she walked over to get it and brought it back....then Oliver took the shovel...Aurora, you look surprised."



Then, you could give her explicit permission to ask for what she wants. "Aurora, you can ask Oliver for the shovel back. Say 'I was using that. Give it back, please.'" Then, you smile at Oliver and say "It's Aurora's turn right now....Do you want the pail while you wait for your turn with the shovel?"



Of course, he might not hand over the shovel. He might ignore you. In that case, you can do just what you did, and say "Oliver isn't ready to give the shovel back....We'll let Oliver have a turn and then you can have a turn.....Oliver, will you give the shovel to Aurora when you're done?" ...... Finish this article on the Aha! Parenting website Blog Post of the Week 4 Easy Ways to Build Your Child's Self Esteem with Your Words "If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others." – Haim Ginott



Children rely on us to interpret the world: "That's HOT, Don't touch!... Now we wash our hands...We can walk now that the light is green.....We always... We never.... This is how we do it.....The sky is blue...."



What happens when they hear: "You'd lose your head if it wasn't glued on.....That was a dumb thing to do....You drive me crazy ....Why can't you....You never....You always....."?



Or overhear: "You won't believe the day I've had with that kid....He's so irresponsible....She never does her chores without me hounding her.....He can't control himself....She has such a temper...."



They believe it. Even if they don't show it, even if they act like they don't care, on some level our children believe everything we say.



This could demoralize every one of us at times, because we've all said things that we later wish we hadn't. But instead, let's use it to our advantage, and to our children's advantage. Why not leverage our children's trust in what we say to empower them to become their best selves? Our words don't have to be perfect. But what if we practiced these four habits? 1. Empower your child by seeing her best self.

Research shows that kids' beliefs determine their behavior. When you observe something positive about your child, tell her what you see. "You're working hard on that.... Hey, I saw you got frustrated with your brother, but you were able to stop yourself from yelling....Wow, you read that whole book yourself!....I've noticed that you're remembering to brush your teeth now without being reminded most of the time." Notice that these are specific observations about what your child is actually doing, rather than global pronouncements like "You're smart" which aren't provable, and which kids may argue with in their own minds. 2. Empower your child by problem-solving instead of labeling. .......... Finish this article on the Aha! Parenting website Quotes of the Week "If you’ve told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner." -- Walter Barbee

“The problems many children have are actually generated by too much time spent in environments in which children are expected to "behave." When a restricted environment isn't balanced out by an hour or more a day when children can run hard, laugh hard, wrestle, be daring, and engage in spontaneous play, the strain shows in their behavior.” – Patty Wipfler

“Rewards and punishments are the lowest form of education.”-- Chuang-Tzu



"Be thankful for every flower you meet, every tree you meet, every being you meet, every person you meet in your life. The more and more you appreciate you will see how beautiful life is you are living in. You will transform. Your world will transform." -- Sri Vast



“...unless the hearts of parents are turned to their children, the whole earth will be cursed.” -- Old Testament



"Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody- nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with- bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet." -- Art Linkletter



"The more the child feels attached to the mother, the more secure he is in his acceptance of himself and the rest of the world. The more love he gets, the more he is capable of giving. Attachment breeds self-control, self-esteem, empathy, and affection, all of which lead to an increasing ability to develop literacy. We don't know why, but it seems to be true. Attachment is as central to the developing child as eating and breathing." -- Robert Shaw, M.D.



"Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." -- David Bly

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