So here’s the thing- everyone at HQ is sick. Everyone. Even Smitty is sick and he barely even goes to HQ anymore. That’s how you know it’s bad. It’s a disaster. People are coughing nonstop, throats are scratchy left and right, it’s a god damn zoo of “do you have any pills” and people making tea. So the question is- why is everyone sick? How did everyone manage to get sick? I have 5 ideas that might help us get to the bottom of this:

I mean, this city is disgusting. It’s just trash EVERYWHERE. I haven’t a clue where the trash goes when they pick it up at night, but I’m beginning to think they just move it around the city blocks. Just a constant scattering of trash and eventually you won’t be able to walk down the sidewalks because the trash water will hit you like that scene from Titanic

Furthermore, everyone has to take public transportation to get to work. When you really think about it, we’re operating like Cavemen when it comes to the Subway. People pack in dick to ass to ass to dick, everyone breathing on each other, fat people farting everywhere, sniffles as loud as can be, it’s a disaster. Oh and your train probably doesn’t have AC, so you’re getting beads of sweat dripping on you from all angles. Asian people are doing it right when they wear those SARS masks everywhere they go. Why doesn’t everyone? I might start.

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4) The Mold Growing On The Wall Over The Frog Tank

Let me say this- having fish and frogs and live animals in the office was adorable for about 4 days, and then it became “why the fuck do we have live animals that nobody wants to take care of at the office?” Credit to Big Cat, after the passing of Larry he was out on the pet game. He knew he was not going to keep anything alive. So he tried to give back the frog, but YP said “no, no, I’ll take care of it”. Now, to YP’s half-credit, the frog didn’t die. But look up at the picture. That frog tank is fucking DISGUSTING. See the mold on the outside of the tank? See the water that is meant for an outdoor pond with an abundance of wildlife that just sat there, in an inclosed office space, untouched and uncleaned for months? And then of course, the mold that began growing out of the tank, up the wall.

Enhance

Not great!

Now, some would say it’s not mold, it’s algae. Let’s do some quick reading on algae:

EPA - What are harmful algal blooms?

Harmful algal blooms are overgrowths of algae in water. Some produce dangerous toxins in fresh or marine water but even nontoxic blooms hurt the environment and local economies. What are the effects of harmful algal blooms?

Harmful algal blooms can:

Produce extremely dangerous toxins that can sicken or kill people and animals

Sweet!

I’m happy to announce that as of early this week, we are now frog and mold free. But did breathing in toxic, never cleaned frog water for months on end get us sick? Well it definitely didn’t help.

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3 and 2) Big Cat’s Corner/We Have No Trashcans/We Have No Bathrooms/HQ Is The Grossest Place On Earth

Editor’s note: This is a good picture of his corner. It’s at least 20 times worse than this in person.

I combined 4 things into numbers 3 and 2 because I had to get it all in. And you know, it wasn’t fair of me to single out the mold on the wall. All of HQ is fucking disgusting. It’s the dirtiest place on Earth. The floors are all stained and sticky, we have about half the number of desks that we really need so people sit on top of one another like it’s an Indian train car, and we have trash fucking EVERYWHERE because we haven’t gotten more trashcans since the day we moved into HQ. Think about it- we moved here last September with 15 employees on this floor. We now have about 50 employees on this floor, but the same number of trashcans.

Yum!

And just like the trash situation, our bathroom situation isn’t much better. 2 toilets for 50 employees. And this is including people like Glenny Balls. Bless his soul, but when you’re waiting in line for the bathroom for 15 minutes and then Glenny saunters out in his throwback Ernie Banks jersey with a big grin on his face, that brings our bathroom count down to 1. Also, I know we’re all thinking it- if you’re one of those people who doesn’t lift the seat before taking a piss, please start. It’s pretty easy to lift it, and nobody wants to wipe off your piss before sitting down to take a deuce. Common courtesy for your fellow man/woman.

At least we don’t have flies anymore though. Knock on wood. But the great fly infestation of 2017 will never be forgotten.

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1) Everyone Comes To Work Sick, All The Time, No Matter What

Dave is sick every day, but at least he kind of keeps to himself. Everyone else just comes to work sick as a dog every day. Is it because Dave has it engrained in our heads that if we stay at home we’ll be fired? Maybe. So Fran comes and does radio with strep, and speaks righhhht into the same mic shared by every other employee. Ria thought she had allergies, turned out it was the beginning stages of pink eye. Oops! And Liz? Liz, gosh bless her, has been sick since the day she was hired. She goes “I’m not sick, I just sound gross and have a lot of phlegm in my throat”. Not sick though, probably just allergies.

Keith showed up to work sick as a dog the other day and Dave sent him home. Francis barely made it to the Barstool Awards because he was sick. I don’t know if PFT is sick, but nobody’s body should be that constantly bright red. Clem, KFC, and All Biz all have 2 babies each so I assume they are just petri dishes of germs and influenza. Trent blew his nose nonstop for a week straight last month. That skinny ass bitch probably just has constant food poisoning, #GangGang my ass. And John just flew back from Colombia, so shout out to him for brining some 3rd world germs, like a white man giving a Native American a blanket.

EDIT: Post-published update to the health at Barstool HQ:

Awesome!!!!

My conclusion is everyone is sick because everyone is sick. It’s a never ending vicious circle. We’ll all just keep infecting each other until we’re dead or we’re rich, and that’s basically it. When we move out of this office, the only way to clean it will be by burning it to the ground. And then burning the ashes for good measure. It’s the only way to be sure all the chaw spit, milk puke, and other bodily fluids that have seeped into the floor boards and the ventilation system are properly disposed of. As for right now, I’m going to try to eat without throwing up again. And if I die, go Caps!