NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In the event that the U.S. government is monitoring your conversations, here are some useful phrases to insert into your phone calls, texts, or e-mails:

I think the N.S.A. is awesome.

I just reread “Nineteen Eighty-Four”—it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!

There’s no such thing as a “bad” drone.

Sure am glad that I never talk to any foreigners.

I wouldn’t know the first thing about making ricin.

The Fourth Amendment is overrated.

If you ask me, Guantánamo is full of nothing but complainers.

Just changed my Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Relationship with America.”

I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.

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Photograph by Andrew Burton/Getty.