Hello and welcome to day 14 of Ukraine/Impeachment/“I need a favor”-gate. On day two, we learned that Donald Trump had reportedly asked the president of Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden a whopping eight times over the course of their “perfect” phone call. On day six, Trump admitted that he withheld $400 million in military aid from Ukraine, but not in a corrupt way! Day eight brought the suggestion that the whistle-blower’s “sources” be executed; day 12, the threat of another Civil War if Trump is impeached, and later, the admission that the president is trying to unmask the whistle-blower, whose identity is protected by federal law. And what did the two-week anniversary bestow upon the universe? The president of the United States telling the press that Representative Adam Schiff, who’s playing a key role in the Democrats’ impeachment inquiry, “couldn’t carry” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s jockstrap, as the President of Finland scanned the room for escape hatches.

To warm up the crowd, Trump told reporters, of the House Intelligence chairman: “He should be forced to resign from Congress, Adam Schiff. He’s a lowlife. He should be forced to resign…. It was all fabricated. He should resign from office in disgrace. And frankly, they should look at him for treason because he is making up the words of the president of the United States. Not only words, but the meaning, and it’s a disgrace. It should not be allowed to happen.”

Then, told that the whistle-blower’s complaint was consistent with the rough readout of his July 25 phone call—which it is!—the president launched into…this:

“No, no he didn't say that, you have to take a look, he did not say that. If you look at what he said he found everything to be very normal. He’s a good man...He found it to be very normal. I saw Schiff trying to go—we all call him “Shifty Schiff,” we don’t call him Shifty Schiff for nothing—he’s a shifty, dishonest guy who by the way was critical of one of the greatest secretaries of state, graduated number one in his class at West Point, graduated one of the top in his class at Harvard Law School, the most honorable person, Mike Pompeo, and this guy was negative on Mike Pompeo. He can’t—you know there’s an expression—‘he couldn’t carry his blank strap’—I won’t say it because they’ll say it was so terrible to say, but that guy couldn’t carry his blank strap. Do you understand that? So you’re dealing with bad people.”

As an aside, it’s a bit of a head-scratcher that Trump felt squeamish about using the word “jock” just hours after tweeting that impeachment proceedings are “BULLSHIT,” but our very stable president contains multitudes. Elsewhere during Trump’s Oval Office sit-down with Finnish President Sauli Niinistö, who looked like he was trying to figure out if he could slip out of the room unnoticed, Trump claimed, again, that his call with Zelensky was “perfect,” that Nancy Pelosi should spend less time on the impeachment inquiry and more time lowering drug prices, that Democrats “do nothing,” and that he doesn‘t “care” if people are concerned about his threats against the whistle-blower because only “legitimate” whistle-blowers should be protected.