Note: This chapter is NSFW for sexual content and screenshots

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I am so freaking exhausted right now. And I don’t just mean my body. My brain feels like someone put it through a blender or something.

Maybe it’s because I only slept like two hours last night? Probably.

I just wanted to write everything down, since I’m likely going to be murdered within the next few hours. Might as well leave something behind for after I’m gone, right?

Anyway, it all started with Mason. Last night was his last night in Windenburg. He’s flying back to London this afternoon. So I obviously had to go see him one last time. I ‘went to bed’ the same time I usually do, slept for like two hours, then snuck out as soon as I knew everybody was asleep, just like always.

Once I got to the park, we just kinda hung out for a while. Nothing too exciting — just the usual stuff we do when we’re together (well, minus the sex stuff… More on that later). We skipped stones on the pond, tried to find one of the owls we heard up in the trees (still no luck though!), and then he showed me more of that constellation stuff he’s so into.

I guess we were trying to pretend it was just a normal night. But obviously we couldn’t lie to ourselves for very long. We both knew it was the last time we’d see each other for… maybe ever? We don’t really know right now. That’s part of what makes this whole thing suck so much.

We ended up talking about how relationships are stupid (especially long-distance ones. Blegh!) and that we’re still gonna be friends when he leaves… All the sappy stuff I’d kinda been dreading.

And then, he finally asked me exactly what I was hoping he would — If i wanted to have sex before he left.

Um, duh! Mason’s the best guy friend I’ve ever had. And I trust him more than any other guy I’ve ever met.

Why would I wanna trade in my v-card to anybody else?

After we got a little ‘warmed up’ on the bench, we ended up back on the grass, so it’d be easier.

And then we did it.

And honestly? It was… okay, I guess? It just really wasn’t what I was expecting. Like, at all.

Mason was SO nervous. And to be totally honest, I was too… but I tried not to let him know. He was already having a hard enough time worrying about HIMSELF, poor guy. The worst part was when he was trying to put the condom on. He was fumbling all around with it, and I don’t even think he was like, as hard as he was supposed to be. And that just made it worse.

I tried to help, but I had no idea what I was doing either. It was so awkward. We finally figured it out though.

And then it was showtime… The moment we’d been waiting for (which, spoiler alert, was pretty anticlimactic).

It hurt a little at first, but I knew it might. That part wasn’t a huge deal, I guess. It kinda freaked Mason out though… I don’t have the best poker face for stuff like that, so he knew he hurt me. But it’s not like it was his fault or anything. And I told him that too.

But he still kept asking me over and over again if I was ‘okay’. And no matter how many times I kept telling him I was fine, he still seemed so nervous. And distracted.

I had a feeling he wasn’t really enjoying it much more than I was. So then I started asking him if HE was okay too.

And looking back now, it must have sounded pretty freaking ridiculous. Imagine this endless string of “Are you okay?” “Yeah… Are you?” “I’m alright… What about you?” On repeat the entire time, complete with gross squishy sound effects filling the awkward silences in-between.

I still wonder what the heck we were doing wrong. All that other stuff we’ve done together never felt THIS awkward or scary. Not even the first time. So why the heck was this so different?

It wasn’t bad or awful or anything. But it definitely didn’t feel as good as it was supposed to, for either of us. Did we both just totally botch our sex rolls or something?

I’m not even sure if Mason actually finished or not… He just finally slowed down after a while. Then he stopped and rolled off of me. And it was over.

And you know what? No matter how scary and awkward and not-amazing it was… I’m really glad I did it. Especially with him.

Saying goodbye after that was so hard. And I was such a mess when I got back home. In more ways than one.

I mean, I was all dirty from being on the ground, and my clothes were all wrinkled. My eyes were kinda puffy because I cried a little when we said goodbye. Plus, I really needed a shower (ew).

And my brain was just as messy. I was still so excited about what we’d just did. A little embarrassed too, I guess. And sad. It finally started to hit me that Mason was really leaving.

Plus I was so tired I was basically ready to pass out AND I really, really had to pee.

Maybe if I wasn’t so distracted by all that stuff, I would’ve noticed Papa sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee. Maybe I would’ve been quieter when I shut the door behind me. Maybe I could’ve snuck up the stairs without him noticing.

Whoops.

The second I heard Papa’s voice, I knew I was done for.

Hopefully Zelda will give a good eulogy for me. If only I’d texted her or something after what happened with Mason so she could throw that in there too. Don’t want the world thinking I’d died a virgin or something. Lame.

I was too tired to come up with a good excuse for why I was sneaking back home at 5:30 in the morning… But I don’t think it would’ve mattered anyway. There’s no way he’d believe me. Papa’s too smart for that.

He didn’t ask me where I was, or what I’d been doing (thank God!) but… I feel like he knew. It was something about the way he was looking at me. He was totally freaking pissed, obviously. But he looked almost worried too.

Anyway, I didn’t get an interrogation or anything like I was expecting. He just sent me up to my room to get some sleep and said ‘we’ll talk about this later’.

Yup, definitely dead. Especially once Mama’s in on this.

I took a shower as soon as I got up here, then I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. I needed to sit down and get all this out first. Make peace with everything that happened last night before I die a slow, painful death at the hands of my pissed off parents.

It was totally worth it though. I’m still glad I did it. Now I know what to expect. And the next time I have sex with a guy, I think it’ll go a lot better…

Assuming I live long enough for there to BE a next time.