LET’S BE CLEAR: The framing conceit of this series is “The Wall Street Journal sends a bottle of spirits to a writer who is tasked with getting to the bottom of it.” That didn’t happen here. The bottle that turned up in its very festively accessorized box—doodads, plastic monkeys, crunchy-paper packing material and stories about secret meetings in France where plots to bring back the strong rums of old were hatched—was full of Plantation O.F.T.D. Overproof Rum. That’s 69% overproof, which means it’s 138 proof, which means that the John Darnielle who would have finished this bottle in plenty of time to write about what...