Of the five people who happen to read this post, four will probably disagree with me – but I’m going to say it anyway – She looks terrible.

Did she gain weight? And what was she wearing? Is she still with that guy that she left me for?

I know it was me who ended our relationship. You don’t need to remind me.

I didn’t want to end it. I just couldn’t see any other way to make it work. No, really, I hope she’s happy.

But did you see what she was wearing?

There I was, minding my own business, just walking down the street, and there she was. Her back was to me and she looked different, but I knew it was her.

The once fresh paint that he sprayed her was dull and faded. The red bolts that I thought were anodised were sprayed (without primer?) and chipped, like the finger nails of a faded beauty queen. The stickers of some personal logo were peeling like a faded tattoo reluctantly inked after a brief romance. The sun bleached seat cushion barely covered the bloated seat. And who paints stainless steel rims?!?! Do you know how much I spent on those!?! Let’s not even mention the LEDs – act your age.

No. Really. I hope she’s happy.