OTTAWA – Saying that if they wanted cute commercials instead of carcasses, they should do as he says, Telus CEO and President Darren Entwistle recommended that the CRTC not mandate mobile virtual network operators, or the company would put down every creature featured in its ads.

“Have you ever wondered what a parrot with its head twisted off looks like?” said Entwistle to a room of regulators. “Because I can promise you that if you force us to open up our network to smaller carriers, you will have the chance to find out.”

As aides brought in a variety of caged creatures before the committee for effect, Entwistle stated that while he did not relish the thought of unleashing his entire marketing department on a room of squirrel monkeys, meerkats, penguins, flamingos, tree frogs, iguanas, pandas, sloths, toucans, hippos, piglets, and lion cubs with nothing but needles, a pair of shotguns, and some rope, it would be a consequence consumers would have to face should the CRTC decide to introduce more competition into Canada’s wireless market.

Regulators say they will consider what Telus has to say, but are not intimidated, having called Bell’s bluff in 2008 to harvest its beaver frontmen for pelts in response to the upcoming spectrum auction being largely reserved for new entrants to the Canadian wireless market.

“Telus isn’t the only carrier to warn of killing and mutilating beloved mascots if we mandate MVNOs,” says CRTC Chair Ian Scott. “Freedom Mobile has said if we go ahead, they’ll dismember Will Arnett limb by limb until we reverse our decision.”

“Ultimately,” he added, “Canadian consumers don’t care who or what has to die to get wireless service comparable to literally the rest of the world.”