35 U.S. cities that could host the Olympics (but maybe shouldn't)

Chris Chase, USA TODAY Sports | USATODAY

Within the next two years, countries will have to start bids for the 2024 Summer Olympics. The USOC sent a letter to the mayors of 35 U.S. cities on Tuesday to gauge interest in hosting the Games. We ranked all 35 cities in order of Olympic host city potential.

Note: A low ranking on this list is by no means a denigration of a specific city. Except for Jacksonville.

35. Chicago -- How a city of shady elections could lose a shady election to host the 2016 Olympics continues to amaze.

34. Phoenix -- It's not the heat that'll get you, it's the sportswriters whining interminably about the heat that will.

33. Nashville & Davidson County -- When you think about how the Olympics have gone to most major world cities -- London, Paris, Tokyo, Berlin, Moscow, Beijing -- but not Davidson County, it's almost criminal.

32. Orlando -- Not a favored choice of Bob Costas, both because Disney owns a competing television network and because he's not tall enough to ride Space Mountain.

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31. Jacksonville -- Except for signing Tim Tebow, it's the only way they'll be able to get that tarp off the seats.

30. Sacramento -- The Games would probably stay for a while, then grow restless and move to Seattle.

AP

29. Charlotte -- Me, to a friend who lives in Charlotte: "Could you guys host an Olympics?" Friend who lives in Charlotte: "I don't know. They do film Homeland here though."

Homeland

28. Pittsburgh -- Me, to a friend who lives in Pittsburgh: "Could you guys host an Olympics?" Friend who lives in Pittsburgh: "No."

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27. Rochester -- Official bid motto: "Hey, don't laugh, Lake Placid did it."

26. Columbus -- Free tattoos for all athletes!

25. Las Vegas -- Downside: Desert. Upside: Inevitable Ryan Lochte showgirl scandal.

Getty

24. Baltimore -- Intriguing, if only for Grantland's inevitable 45,000-word piece about why Avon and Stringer would have made the greatest badminton team ever.

23. Detroit -- Marathon shortened to 8 miles due to budget shortfalls.

22/21/20. San Antonio/Houston/Dallas -- We know all these Texas cities are different, but it really infuriates Texans when you say they're not.

19. Minneapolis -- Having a city name with a Greek word is the closest Minneapolis is going to get to the Olympic spirit.

18. Boston -- Within 10 seconds of an announcement about Boston's potential bid, someone with a shamrock tattoo will suggest they put the Olympic cauldron on top of the Green Monster seats.

17. San Diego -- Modern pentathlon: Who's still standing after five nights in Tijuana.

Independent Journal

16. Miami -- You'll be sick of medalists saying they're going to take their talent to South Beach by the end of the first day of competition.

15. Portland -- BUT WHICH PORTLAND?

14. San Jose -- Why is San Jose so high on these rankings? I missed it on my initial perusal of the list then was too lazy to go back and change all the numbers.

13. Indianapolis -- Bid presentation: Play the last five minutes of Hoosiers. Drop the mic.

12. Los Angeles -- Will be moot when the Dodgers continue their free agency binge and sign the Olympics to play right field.

11. Tulsa -- Scoff if you want. We did.

10. Memphis -- Who will light the torch: Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Young Elvis

9. Austin -- The hipsters would love it, mainly because they'd appreciate the irony of un-ironically supporting an Olympics.

8. San Francisco -- Proposal: Country that does worst at 2020 Games has to house its athletes at Alcatraz.

7. Denver -- Front page editors at the New York Post are already preparing "MILE HIGH CITY" headlines for a potential 2024 Olympic drug scandal.

6. Seattle -- Needs a civic pick-me-up after this subpar season of Top Chef.

5. New York -- "We couldn't have it here, it'd be a logistical nightmare," says New Yorker who just spent 45 minutes telling you how great New York is because it can handle anything.

4. Washington D.C. -- What better way to close out President Clinton's second term than by giving 77-year-old First Husband Bill a chance to ogle some beach volleyball players?

Todd Plitt/USA TODAY

3. Philadelphia -- You know what the Olympics needs more of? Booing during medal ceremonies.

AP

2. St. Louis -- The last time St. Louis hosted an Olympics, the ice cream cone was invented.

AP

1. Atlanta -- As anyone who's not named Lolo Jones will tell you, the second time is even better.