How else do you explain getting blown out by Minnesota?

Due to having to work a bunch this week so I can have the weekend off to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with my visiting parents, there will be no #deepthoughts intro to the Roast this week. Sorry if that means you have to spend less time in the bathroom avoiding your job/family/parole officer.

I assume that anyone who reads this column regularly has at least a little bit of a record. Anyways! On to the Roast!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 81st overall, 82nd offense, 75th defense, 33rd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Maryland, 34-32

Biggest strength: Absolute Unit, Stevie Scott, ran for 103 yards and a score and also broke the freshman record for rushing touchdowns at IU, previously held by The Law Firm (BenJarvus Green-Ellis). Logan Justus nailed two field goals and all four extra points while the kick return unit had four (!!!!) different guys return kicks. A guy named T.D. Roof led the team in tackles and also, probably, bad local commercials for his construction company. “When you’ve got a leeeeeeeeeeak, call 1-800-TD-ROOOF! The extra “o” is for opulence, which is how your neighbors will describe your new roof when we’re finished with it.”

The Crimson Quarry gang reminded me of this tweet, which makes me miss Twitter a little bit because I laughed out loud again at it.

Sometimes, gang, the internet is good.

Biggest weakness: Upon further review, it appears to my untrained eyes that ::double checks notebook:: everything? Yes, it appears that “everything” about the IU football team is a weakness.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 4 Michigan, 3 p.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 55th overall, 93rd offense, 42nd defense, 9th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Indiana, 34-32

Biggest strength: Anthony “Lil’ Booger” McFarland ran for 210 yards and somehow none of those yards ended up with him in the end-zone. Kicker Joseph Petrino had an impressive game where he made all four of his field goal attempts but missed his only extra point.

The university has hired a search firm to help find its new football head coach.

Testudo Dave, who used to write for Testudo Times and is a good and fun Maryland follow on the ol’ Tweet Box but currently has his tweets locked, has a fail-safe plan for Maryland: 1) schedule more games with Texas, 2) hire Charlie Strong, 3) continue to beat Texas with Charlie Strong as head coach. BRILLIANT!

Biggest weakness: The Terps had two more players de-commit from their recruiting class.

They now have eight players in their 2019 class. Who knew completely botching an investigation into how your head coach allowed a player to die at practice would cause potential players, and their parents, to rethink going to your school?

Ah shit, this sucks. Get well soon, Kasim.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 4th overall, 21st offense, 2nd defense, 32nd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Rutgers, 42-7

Biggest strength: I want all of these men to be my grandfathers.

Shea Patterson threw for 260 yards and three scores. A really good game for him! But all stats against Rutgers only count for half in your season totals. Sorry Shea, those are the rules.

Biggest weakness: Didn’t even come close to honoring this special.

Karan Higdon had a weirdly terrible game against Rutgers. He only rushed for 42 yards on 15 carries (still scored twice though, so whatevs). The Wolverines also didn’t score until 45 seconds left in the first quarter and after that they were tied, WITH RUTGERS, at 7-7 in the second quarter.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 3 p.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 32nd overall, 103rd offense, 4th defense, 47th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 26-6

Biggest strength: I think Michigan and Michigan State should trade coaches next year and see if they tie.

Thanks for staying extremely on brand, MSU.

The more I read about this game, the more I think it should be sent to the College Football Hall of Fame as a perfect encapsulation of B1G football. There are the two tweets noted above but allow me to dive in a bit deeper. At the end of the first half this...what have you, transpired.

After being pinned inside the five for the billionth time, MSU ran this play that resulted in an aOsu touchdown.

MSU went 2-for-16 on third down, rushed for 54 yards, swapped QBs randomly and got their doors blown off by a team that might suck. If you watched any of this game please send a refund request to the Big Ten Conference c/o Jim Delany.

Biggest weakness: Fucking hell, Michigan State. Your offense is an embarrassment to the Big Ten. Which is a conference BUILT on embarrassing offenses!

To be fair, rivalry games always get later kickoff times.

You sure did make the internet, coach.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 11 a.m. CST

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 8th overall, 10th offense, 32nd defense, 41st special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at No. 18 Michigan State, 26-6

Biggest strength: This is how punter Drue Chrisman’s day started.

This is how it ended.

HE GOT A HIGHLIGHT VIDEO THAT HAS OVER 118,000 VIEWS!

He also had jokes for the media.

Biggest weakness: #PuntToWin

WHAT THE HELL BIG TEN CONFERENCE?!?!?!?!

Ok, hot punting action aside, Ohio State was in the news again this week for off the field stuff. Brett McMurphy, who seems to have nothing else to do but look into things that might make Urban Meyer and Ohio State look bad, has really stepped in it this time.

That was the story McMurphy posted and afterwards, well...it was basically everyone associated with the Ohio State football program that has a Twitter account said McMurphy was completely wrong.

Shit, even the University issued a statement.

McMurphy better hope his new gig has decent lawyers on retainer, although I don’t know how much could actually be proven against him in a defamation suit. Maybe any lawyers we have that read this site could offer an actual, informed opinion!

This shouldn’t take away any of your thoughts that Urban Meyer is a complete and total scumbag who deserves nothing good in life, but in this one instance it would appear that he is the ::throws up in mouth:: one in the right.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Maryland, 11 a.m. CST

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 13th overall, 33rd offense, 14th defense, 64th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Wisconsin, 22-10

Biggest strength: After the first two drives of the game, Penn State basically just held Wisconsin at arm’s length and let the Badgers do stupid shit while they played an average game and won comfortably. That’s what a team with an athletic defense and pretty ok offense can do against UW this year. Miles Sanders rushed for 159 yards and a touchdown.

This is a sweet-ass picture of Sanders rushing for some of those yards.

Good for Robert Windsor for balling out against his home-state team.

Biggest weakness: The rush defense was pretty poor for PSU and they fumbled a couple of times to keep the Badgers “in it.” But they, and everyone else, knew that they were going to win. A team can’t really win with half an offense. ::glares at Wisconsin pass protection and Coan’s completion percentage::

Whatever, I hate Penn State and I’m sad that Wisconsin lost to them. Here is a picture of Jimmy Buckets looking fly as hell in the new City Edition unis.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11 a.m. CST

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 123rd overall, 126th offense, 102nd defense, 27th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 4 Michigan, 42-7

Biggest strength: I would like an entire documentary on this commercial, please and thank you.

Biggest weakness: They should maybe wear name tags to their next game?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 20 Penn State, 11 a.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 100th overall, 59th offense, 122nd defense, 14th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Nebraska, 54-35

Biggest strength: Illinois put the ball on the turf seven times, including two muffed punts, but only lost three fumbles (and threw two interceptions)!

Jordan Holmes returned a punt for -17 yards. Quarterback A.J. Bush threw for 126 yards and those two picks, HOWEVAH he rushed for 187 yards and three touchdowns.

Biggest weakness: At least it’s basketball season now for the Illini

Oh.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 21 Iowa, 2:30 p.m. CST

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 33rd overall, 87th offense, 21st defense, 36th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Northwestern, 14-10

Biggest strength: Iowa really fucked everyone over by allowing Northwestern to win the B1G West (NEVERMIND THE REST OF THE SEASON, PEDANTS!) So let’s take a quick detour to Drew’s NBA Corner!

Draymond Green and Kevin Durant got INTO IT. Green got suspended and who knows if this is the end of the Dubs Dynasty as we know it...or just nothing and the Warriors waltz to another title still.

Headband Joe Ingles is the latest meme to take over #NBATwitter and rightly so! He’s a danged legend!

Then he told Grayson Allen to shut up, which was the best.

Biggest weakness: Here is something that is nice.

Dawwwwww!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 53rd overall, 78th offense, 50th defense, 15th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Purdue, 41-10

Biggest strength: Having natural layers to survive winter.

::extremely Donald Trump voice:: We have the biggest crowds. The best. All other crowds pale in comparison.

The Gophers gashed the Purdue defense for 6.5 yards per carry, while they held the Boilers to 2.9 yards per carry. That is the oldest recipe in the book for winning in the Big Ten.

Biggest weakness: I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU, MINNESOTA FOOTBALL!

Jeff Brohm going to Louisville to escape P.J. Fleck’s wrath.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 11 a.m. CST

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 56th overall, 43rd offense, 56th defense, 110th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Illinois, 54-35

Biggest strength: Cracking cold ones with the boys!

Adrian Martinez looked pretty good again and accounted for four total Nebraska touchdowns. Devine Ozigbo rushed for 162 yards and three scores (on 11 carries!), and Stanley Morgan caught eight receptions for 131 yards and two touchdowns. If Nebraska could play against Illinois every week they might just get back to the ‘90s yet!

Biggest weakness: This play, which has nothing to do with Nebraska, is the funniest shit I’ve seen this season. Enjoy.

This was a close second.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 18 Michigan State, 11 a.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 77th overall, 109th offense, 27th defense, 125th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at No. 21 Iowa, 14-10

Biggest strength: Owning Bill Connelly.

LOOK AT THIS GAME!

Biggest weakness: Me, looking at the B1G West standings.

But, I guess I should just shut up and let these nerds celebrate.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 11 a.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 40th overall, 23rd offense, 63rd defense, 71st special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Minnesota, 41-10

Biggest strength: Official B1G Roast Crush Rondale Moore had eight catches for 76 yards and touchdown. But, uh, this is how the game went for the most part if you are a Purdue fan.

Biggest weakness: Keep losing to Minnesota like that and nobody is gonna want your head coach.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Wisconsin, 2:30 p.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 17th overall, 14th offense, 38th defense, 102nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 20 Penn State, 22-10

Biggest strength: I actually had a glimmer of hope after this play. Lol at me.

Jonathan Taylor, and the rest of the running game, was great against PSU. T.J. Edwards, Ryan Connelly, Zack Baun and Andrew Van Ginkel were great, too! Most importantly, Rafael Gaglianone is one field goal away from having a #nice career total.

Brad Davison, who played football in high school so this relates to this column, is Wisconsin’s No. 1 Receipt Keeper. Maybe the basketball team is going on a #RevengeTour like Michigan football?

Biggest weakness: A lot of stuff. Pass protection, quarterback play, stopping the run and play calling/coaching decisions all could have been better.

Like Wisconsin was being coached by Andy Reid in the freaking Super Bowl against the Patriots that one time.

Gallows humor suits Wisconsin tbqh.

An evergreen tweet this season.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST