Uncovered: The Pie who came in from the cold The Age, 28/9/2002 A long, long time ago, I can still remember How the Magpies used to make me smile And Dad and read more…

You Make Me Feel … Like a Virtual Woman The Age, 24/1/2001 I remember Tamagotchi well. A few years ago I had to baby-sit one and ended up getting in trouble for read more…

Ethical Tourism With a Long Lens The Age, 27/12/2001 As a tourist visiting Amish country, you have to decide whether you are there merely to laugh and point at read more…

The Lights Brigade The Age (melbourne) Magazine, 30/11/2012 Did you see the elephant?” Richard says, squinting at the topiary pachyderm cascading across his garage roof. At the neck read more…

A Beautiful Set of Numbers afl.com.au, 22/5/06 I’ve got some advice for the critics who believe uncontested marks and 16 metre dink kicks across the back-line are read more…

A Whole New Ball Game The Age, Green Guide, 4/4/2002 Thursday 6.45pm If the winds of change were blowing, the air around the food vans outside Gate One still smelled read more…

Buddy Makes Me Laugh 2009 Footy Almanac, Foreword, Malarkey Press DERMOTT APPARENTLY organised an intervention. The Hawk No. 23 guernsey, which has in its lineage a league leading goalkicker, a read more…

The Job of my life The Trip, 3RRR, October 2007 I have presented Breakfasters for six years, just less than a sixth of my life. It’s been undoubtedly the job read more…

Having a Ball: How we finally fell in love with the world game The Age (Melbourne) Magazine, 25/10/07 ‘He nutmegged him! Archie nutmegged the Argentinian!’ The MCG crowd makes the sound a crowd makes when seventy odd thousand read more…

Hollywood’s 65 year old wunderkind The Monthly, October 2012, p20 This piece was commissioned by The Monthly and appeared in its October 2012 Arts issue. I have posted an earlier, read more…

The Italian Job The Age, 30/5/08 ‘GET up! They’re here! They’re here! Get up, it’s Juve!” Rita Zammit is my best football-watching friend, and the previous read more…

There’s a Whiff of Free Beer in the Air The Age, 17/1/2001 The first time I saw the words ‘free beer’, I was 18 years old and interested. The words were chalked read more…

Believing in the Impossible Coach, Inspiration and Aspiration, IA, 2000 Shaun Dockery only ever gave one truly great three-quarter time address, but that’s not bad for someone who’s never actually read more…

They don’t want it, we don’t want it, so why the hell do it? The Age, 09/08/09 DO YOU hear the people meters sing? Does anyone feel like storming the Bastille with me? Honestly, I’m up for read more…

Today Tonight, Tonight The Scrivener's Fancy, July 2010 I could tell from Ashlea’s urgent ‘hello’ that we had a breakthrough. The publicity campaign for ‘Making News’ had been read more…

HECS and the Single Girl The Age, 6/1/03 If you’re ever really bored and you’ve exhausted yourself watching pots or staring at a barely moving minute hand, I read more…

There’s a lot of money in that ‘unique’ cricket memorabilia The Age, 31/12/03 I have a sports memorabilia idea for Tony Greig. It was the golden summer of 1993-94 and while recovering from read more…

Playing it straight: Why jock jokes are bad form The Age, 27/07/08 ‘He’s been up his mum and his legless sister and he thinks he’s killed his old man!’ Sport and humour read more…

An Olympics Love Affair Sealed With a Kiss The Age, 10/9/00 The hosts called it ‘the Olympic kiss’ – the moment when two torches arch high above the torchbearers’ heads to read more…

Your Shirt is a Tablecloth 22 June 2006, Stuttgart, Australia v Croatia, Group F Chapter 8 of Tony Wilson’s ‘Australia United: Adventures at the 2006 read more…

The Day De Castella Beat the Pain in Spain The Age, 10/9/2000 ‘Here comes Deek into the stadium now. Oh what a great champion,’ Bruce said, his voice cracking in the way read more…

Soemtimes Grout is Forever The Age, 27/5/2002 ‘We’re in the hardest part of the game,’ Stan Liacos the Manager of Marketing at Federation Square had said to read more…

Farewell to Fee The Trip, December 2013 David Bridie, Ben Birchall and myself performed this tribute to Fee at her final show last Friday morning. Apologies to read more…

Cereal Monogamy Good Weekend, 1/7/99 A friend of mine told me that a friend of his told him that our local supermarket has a singles read more…

India! India! India the best!’ The Age, 27/3/01 TEST eve, Marina Beach, Chennai, 5.20pm: The kid’s name was Themeem, he was a science student and, at sunset on read more…

The Spirit Is Willing But the Legs Are Weak The Age, 23/7/00 For the last five years, I have suffered from ‘gallery legs’ – a condition that renders legs fifty kilograms heavier read more…

Hi World, from Aisle 334 Row 24 The Age, 17/9/00 I was filling up the car in a petrol station in Golbourne, listening to my father run through the basics read more…

The Silk Road to South Africa The Socceroo Magazine, 09/10/09 The Socceroos final round of World Cup qualifying began on the Silk Road in Tashkent, and they never really got read more…

It’s About Decimal Time The Age, 8/10/2000 In 1981, my Grade 3 teacher Mr. McAuliffe told us that time had gone decimal and my world caved in. read more…

Kicking Around the Issues with Harry the Giraffe The Age, 12/9/99 For eight months In 1992, my name appeared on the senior playing list at Hawthorn, and over the course of read more…

One, Two, Three, Sit 'Kitchen Table Memoirs', ABC Books, 2013 This piece appears in ‘Kitchen Table Memoirs’ which also contains contributions from Helen Garner, Denise Scott, Jane Caro and George read more…

Best on Ground – Great Writers on The Greatest Game Penguin, 2010, ed. Peter Corris and John Dale AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER – HAWTHORN 1. Matchmaking It was like racing for the taps on an overflowing bath. ‘Ay read more…

Like in the Time of Girl Germs The Age, 11/9/2003 On the left hand side were the boys’ taps and on the right hand side were the girls’. Why one read more…

An Old Leopard Bears Its Teeth Wheeler Centre, 10/3/2010 I’ve spent the last hour on my knees in our shed, searching for VCE English essays that are twenty-one years read more…

Of Killer Bees and Jamborees The Age, Grren Guide, 20/6/2002 ‘What about some world game news?’ John Safran asks. I’m stunned, because in 4 months of reading the news on read more…

A Quarter of a Day in the Life of Matt Tilley The Age, 27/4/00 Sandringham. Bin night. 4.47am. I’m obviously too late, because Matt Tilley is already leaning on a bin waiting for me read more…

Always Hoped That I’d Be an Apostle The Scrivener's Fancy My acting career has, so far, been one ecclesiastical role after another. I mean that to be read in read more…

If Barry Hall Were a Brunette If Barry Hall were a brunette I wouldn’t be writing this. If Barry Hall were a brunette I’d be letting read more…

Love is Blind 'How We Met', Penguin, 2007 This piece was written as part of a compilation of ‘first meeting’ stories published by Penguin in 2007. Tamsin and read more…

Triple R’s own Adam Elliott Triple R Subscriber Magazine 'The Trip' There’s something sad and pathetic about hangers on, who watch from the sidelines to see who in a group of read more…

Alan Woods and His Amazing Computer: A Nags-to-Riches Story The Monthly, 2005 Alan Woods and His Amazing Computer: A Nags-to-Riches Story I had my first bet the day I turned five. It read more…

Miss Footy 1969 Good Weekend, 26/5/2012 I have World of Sport winners on both sides of my bloodlines. For those who remember HSV7’s shambolic, Sunday morning read more…

She Did It The amazing thing about the Olympics is that races that stop a nation are pretty much a dime a dozen. read more…

Mobile phones: A Matter of Life and Debt The Age, 10/1/2002 Most opinions on mobile phones are complaints from the point of view of the non-mobile phone user, people who answer read more…

Terror on the Tracks Good Weekend, 31/1/2010 It ends up being the story of two handbrakes. first there was one that didn’t want to release. My wife read more…

We’ll Always Have Kaiserslautern Australia United, GSP, 2006 This is chapter 2 of Australia United. Given we are playing Japan tonight, and this was the best day read more…

Passion Plays in the Wee Hours Sydney Morning Herald, 9/6/2010 THE World Cup is going to be in 3D. Especially for me — I’m going to be there in South read more…

Love, Pain and the Whole Damn Thing The Sunday Age, 'Love These Days', 26/1/14 This morning in the kitchen, Tamsin and I had a conversation about Grandad Dog. It’s probably not that unusual for read more…

Fletch! A Tribute to a Legend The Age (Melbourne) Magazine, 31/08/12 At the time of writing, Dustin Fletcher has been on an AFL senior list for 7204 days. Michael Tuck joined read more…

The Yellow Pages is a Very Big Book The Age, 24/1/02 For those who aspire to tertiary study, there are few more stressful moments in life than looking up the newspaper read more…

An Ode to Our Warnie: No.2 Shane Warne "Australia: Story of a Cricket Country", ed Christian Ryan, (Hardie Grant, 2011) ‘Shane Warne, Shane Warne, you are a big flirt.’ He was in a trough at the time. Fresh off the read more…

ER, Queen, Please Sign My Ball? The Age, 26/3/00 THURSDAY 11.05am, Melbourne Airport I arrived at Gate 39 with a Footscray football for the Queen to sign. I wasn’t read more…

The Birds The Age Magazine, 12/12/09 This photo of Capital City Trail is courtesy of TripAdvisor At the risk of sounding like another Tony from the read more…

My night as a Tish Tennis Star The Age 1/10/2000 If you want to start barracking for the Germans, but don’t want anyone to know you’re doing it, here’s what read more…

Guess who’s still top 3 with the ladies of Bangalore? The Age, 2/4/01 You can’t mention Bangalore to anyone in India without them at some stage saying, “Ah, garden city of Bangalore,” or read more…

The Painful Truth Good Weekend, 5/5/07 All I wanted to be was the best goddamned birthing partner I could be. To stroke Tamsin’s cheek when read more…

Coming on Down: Diary of a Game Show Hopeful The Age Green Guide, 18/12/03 12.05pm: Jago St, Richmond. Channel 9 studios. ‘You don’t think I’m a bad mother, do you?’ I’d known Nat for read more…

Inheriting Father’s Nuclear Neurosis The Age, 3/1/2001 My father often tells the story of sitting in the Bailleu Library at Melbourne University during the Cuban Missile Crisis, read more…

My Seat in Heaven The Age, 18/11/05 MY SEAT at Telstra Stadium is as close to heaven as it is possible to be. Seat 29, aisle read more…

New Zealanders Become Lords of the Ringing Cash Registers The Age, 13/1/03 Arriving in New Zealand it was as I suspected – The Lord of the Rings has done more for the read more…

And Another! Footy Town, Malarkey Publications, 2013 This piece appears in the book ‘Footy Town’ edited by John Harms and Paul Daffey of ‘Footy Almanac’ fame. It read more…

Let War’s Silent Victims Be Heard The Age, 20/1/2003 I have only ever had one day in a theatre of war. It was June 1998, two years prior to read more…

Dad, Dermie, Dipper, Donuts and Me ‘Dad, can I have some donuts?’It was a ritual that had evolved over a decade of watching football together at read more…

Planes, Trains and a Socceroos Cyclone FourFourTwo, Dec 08 We end up calling him “Two Phones”. He’s pale and besuited, flustered and harried. His problem is that Qantas flight read more…

“No Looking With The Hands” The Monthly, July 2005 ‘Job’ is a terrific noun and an even better verb. I job, you job, he she or it jobs. It read more…

Growing up barracking for Richman My friend Mark Monnone (The Lucksmiths, Monnone Alone) is fronting The Bermuda Strollers, a Jonathan Richman tribute band at Longplay read more…

The House of Stoush and the Meaning of True Romance The Age, 8/11/200 I picked up at the House of Stoush once. It was a Crowded House concert in about 1987, I was read more…

Doggone Pretzel Strikes Again The Age, 17/1/2002 Historically, a president choking on a pretzel is nothing new. Indeed, if we are to believe leading authorities in the read more…

Chasing the Tiger Brisbane Times, September 15, 2009 I’d like to get all the demurring ‘well, you get what you paid fors’ out of the way right now. read more…

Grave Doubts Over Tunnel Vision The Age, 27/12/200 ‘Would any of you care if they put a freeway tunnel under here?’ I called out. The question wasn’t directed read more…

Fiction Dacked by Reality The Age, A2, 15/9/07 If it’s not bad enough that Atlanta stole Melbourne’s Olympic Games, now it’s stolen my allegory. It’s a pants allegory. read more…

Coming to terms with the Snickers bar incident The Age, 23/9/00 It was Adelaide 1995, when after dedicating five days of my life to watching every ball of the test, a read more…

Hot in the City: Summer in the CBD Vibe Magazine, 385, Dec 2008 The air is too hot to be local air. Surely it is air that’s been sucked out of smelters in read more…

The Ball of the Century: Redux The Age, 10/1/2001 Shane Warne is there at the top of his run, and I just know he’s going to bowl the ‘Gatting read more…

Sporting Australia (boxed text) Lonely Planet's 'Australia' guidebook Not every Australian loves sport. For a while we even had a Prime Minister who didn’t. Paul Keating loved polished read more…

The Laziness of the Long Distance Runner The Age, 13/1/99 Long distance running is something you love, hate or don’t mind. My own opinion is very much determined by whether read more…

Charley Dog – ‘Man & Beast’ anthology Man & Beast, edited Andrew Rule, MUP, 2016 This piece ‘Epsilon’ appears in the Andrew Rule edited ‘Man & Beast’ (MUP, 2016) along with many other animal stories. read more…

Last Day Gifts ABC, The Splash, 9/12/13 It used to be an apple, didn’t it? The young primary schooler, feeling the full blast of love for the read more…

Dear Polly Australian Baby Guide 2009 I have a contribution in the Australian Baby Guide 2009, which is a letter I wrote to my daughter Polly. read more…

An Island That is Just There for the Taking The Age, 14/1/04 This is just a personal view, but everything’s hopeless and we’re all going to die. We won’t just fade away read more…

The Game With Everything The Age,, 20/3/01 FRIDAY, March 9, Calcutta Airport, 10.15pm. “Be careful, sir, today is holy day,” a customs official said as he stamped read more…

An Audience with Chairman Stan The Age, 18/4/02 “You tell me what a shock jock is, ‘cosI don’t know”. Oh God. My interview with Stan Zemanek is only read more…

My Saturday night was the same as Mal Walden’s The Age, 27/2/1999 This story ran in The Age as ‘My Week’ on 27th February 1999. SATURDAY My Saturday night was the same read more…

Oi! Oi! Oi! (or, how I lost my pizza in Uruguay) The Age, 28/11/01 TULLAMARINE, 7.30 am, last Wednesday The check-in steward asked if I had any seat preferences and I said I’d like read more…

Having a Ball The Best Australian Humorous Writing, 2009 This is an extended version of a piece I wrote for The Age, Melbourne Magazine It was anthologised in a read more…

School Behind Bars Good Weekend, 23/3/2013 Can a decent education turn young criminals around? Tony Wilson goes inside Victoria’s toughest youth prison to see a remarkable read more…

Forget the inner lawyer – bite the bigger bikkie The Age, 24/12/2003 I can’t give you too many details about the Tim Tam session. There’s a slim chance that I was taking read more…