Nick Bond sits down with the Real Housewives of Melbourne

Nick Bond sits down with the Real Housewives of Melbourne

REAL Housewives MVP Gamble is still stuck in a largely one-sided feud with Gina this episode, and receives some sage advice while out to lunch with pal Sally.

“Maybe you need to just stop worrying about her? You’re married now, you’ve got your beautiful family — maybe you need to empower yourself a bit more?” she suggests.

Sally, we’re starting to think you’re entirely too sensible for this show.

Gamble instead shifts her attention to her newest enemy on the show, Lady Venus (who you can tell is dead posh because she shares her name with a women’s personal razor).

Gamble says she’s asked a ‘reliable source’ to do some digging about Venus’ husband, the loftily-titled Lord James. Their findings? “Never heard of him.”

This is a well-worn Housewives trope by now — suggesting that relative newcomers to the show are in some way fraudulent impostors, as though you could rip off Venus’ mask Scooby Doo-style to reveal an actual POOR person hiding underneath. “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling Housewives!”

Last week’s recap: Photo scandal rocks Real Housewives

“Basically [Venus and James] are the poor man’s idea of what rich is,” says Gamble, who last week threw a fairy costume party for her stepson with music provided by the lead singer of Taxiride, so pot / kettle etc.

Gamble may have a point though, because in the next scene, we’re with Venus and her sister Rebecca as they go luxury car shopping.

“I want something sporty, I want something sexy, I want something for Venus,” says Venus, Venusly.

The salesman pops them into a car worth a tidy half-million dollars — not to take a test drive, silly, to just sit in the showroom and have an extended chinwag about Rebecca’s relationship problems while he hovers awkwardly nearby waiting for a sale that’s clearly not coming.

Rebecca’s made up her mind: She doesn’t want to go through with her impending wedding. Much like their chat last week, Venus’ primary concern is getting back those sweet, sweet deposits.

“Dad needs to know, because he’s put a deposit down on this reception. Money’s being spent. You must speak to him.”

“I know … I need to do that,” says Rebecca noncommittally, apparently hoping everyone will just forget about this whole wedding business. Doll, either rip the bandaid off or nick that car and Thelma & Louise it out of there.

Venus fills Rebecca in on the events of last week’s party — the allegation that she’s harbouring a secret cache of unflattering photos of her castmates, and the other Housewives accusing her of nipping off to the loo mid-party to delete incriminating evidence off her phone. Rebecca does her best to keep up:

Venus wants the other women to “build a bridge, and get over it” — mature, considered advice that we’re sure we’ve heard somewhere before:

“First world problems with these girls, first world problems!” sighs the very woman who previously threw a tantrum because people weren’t paying due respect to her aristocratic title.

Next up, Lydia’s taking Gina for a trip at her local market — and she wants you to know she run dis motha.

“I feel like I am the Prahran Market queen,” she announces.

She and Gina are going to help out a stallholder friend, loading up leftover fruit and veg to send to charity.

“Oh my god, we’re actually working!” Lydia exclaims with a childlike glee that suggests it truly is a novelty for her to be out of bed before midday.

The stallholder, John, uses this scene as an excuse to indulge in vegetable-based raunch even Con the Fruiterer would dismiss as a little broad:

Gina doesn’t quite get the meaning of all this gourd play as John waves various vegetables at them lasciviously, so Lydia spells it out:

Across town and mercifully free of root vegetables, Janet and Sally meet up for wine time — Sally casually mentioning that Lydia’s invited her on a truffle hunting expedition (not a saucy euphemism, although this is Lydia we’re talking about).

Janet’s expression suggests she may have been left off the invite list.

Janet offers Sally a tip for dealing with “dark sided” Lydia: “Don’t tell her any of your deepest, darkest secrets, because they will regurgitate in the most unattractive ways.”

So Lydia’s off truffle hunting, with Sally, Venus and Gina as her chosen guests. Mr Figaro’s along for the ride too — and even in this blurry, split-second appearance, the struggle is real:

Sally soon proves her s**t-stirring credentials, announcing in the car that Janet had referred to the assembled women as the “dark side”.

“Janet, grow up. ‘The dark side’? We should say ‘The plastic surgery side,’” Gina spits.

Truffle hunting involves a fair amount of mud slinging, so naturally, the Housewives are in their element:

Truffles found, they sit down for a taste test — and Gina’s reaction to her first bite makes it clear that she’ll be doing a Maccas run on the way home:

Over lunch, the other ladies prod Venus about her little photo scandal. She insists that her earlier denials that she has dodgy photos of her castmates on her phone were entirely truthful.

However, she points out, they never asked her if she had dodgy photos of them, past tense. As a matter of fact, yes, she did have suss pics on her phone at one stage — but didn’t admit to it as she was never specifically asked.

It’s a fairly exhausting justification, and fellow new girl Sally says she has now made her mind up: Venus is a liar.

With Janet missing out on a truffle hunting invite, she one-ups her rivals, inviting Gamble and Jackie along on a helicopter joy ride to a vineyard.

“We’re going by helicopter so none of us have to drive, because we won’t be able to drive home,” says Gamble, and she’s not wrong — she stacks it out of the helicopter upon arrival. Was there a minibar on that chopper?

Over lunch, Janet and Jackie’s motormouthed discussion turns weird real quick, with Jackie announcing that husband Ben has probably had a few “high class hookers” in his time.

Gamble watches on agog, her eyes saying ‘You realise we’re on camera, yeah?’

Janet changes the topic by dropping a bomb — she has been sent the very same secret photos that Venus procured.

Out comes the phone, and the ladies survey the evidence. The photos were taken at Janet’s partner’s house and involve all the Housewives. The pics have been blurred, but Jackie and Gamble seem horrified by what they’re seeing.

What’s going on? Ritualistic human sacrifice? Is THAT what happened to Suzy?

As the show aired last night, Venus herself shared what she claimed to be the original uncensored photo on her Instagram account.

“Here is the image that frightens Jackie and is zoomed in on camera and so raunchy it had to be blurred out- Yes the photo was taken at Sam’s house @ Janet’s Party episode 2 and given to me by a mutual friend as he allowed me to send them to myself,” wrote Venus.

“Nothing juicy or raunchy - all very lovely images I wanted of us as memories!”

Lydia also shared the same side-by-side image on Twitter - but many on social media pointed out that the blurred and unblurred images don’t appear to match up.

Back on the show, and evidence sighted, the women are off on another wine-fuelled rant against Venus.

“They’re as rough as guts and behave like rude bogans,” says Gamble of the Lord and Lady.

“They’re trying to make out that they’re filthy rich … and they’re not,” fumes Jackie.

“Where there’s smoke there’s fire, Jackie … and I’m telling you, we’ve got a f**king bushfire here,” Janet warns cryptically.

Next week: Jackie psychically channels Sally’s late husband, Gamble attempts a pop career and Lydia lobs a grenade into Jackie and Janet’s friendship.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Wednesdays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel. Check news.com.au after each episode airs for the full recap — and chat all things Housewives with recapper and revolting truffle pig Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.