You are on this site so you must be pretty smart. I bet you went to college. In fact, I bet you went to a good college and got great grades (average American GPA is 3.11)!

I bet you excelled at sports – or at least video game sports – and would venture to guess that you fancy yourself good at pool, darts and/or horseshoes. I bet you took this good college degree and your teamwork attitude and landed a good job and got yourself promoted a few times and watched your income steadily rise year to year (66% of Americans earn less than $41,212).

Then you married a woman who was above average on the scale compared to your friends ladies, because that is all that matters. Maybe you drive a sweet car with just a few years on it (average American vehicle is 11.5 years old). And maybe, just maybe, you are on the tall side of advantage (The average male American height is 69.7 inches).

You have been doing awesome buddy! Making more money than your dad did at your age. Your friends probably talk negatively about you when you aren’t around. That’s how you know you are winning. You had it all. You were trending the right way!

But then you decided to dumb yourself down and have a baby.

You are now distinctly average.

And it happened overnight. Literally. There was not a baby on day X. Then some stuff happened. And on day X+1, there was a baby in your life. It was abrupt. And you have no idea what to do. You are really used to knowing what to do. But that’s gone.

Oh, you’re going to read a book on how to deal with this new addition? Great. You’ll be all set. Have fun with that. You will be using that book to prop up the video monitor you don’t need.

Or maybe you read a blog to get parenting advice. That is probably the dumbest thing you have done in your 32.5 years (The average age of fathers is now 32 years and six months). You are seeking advice to problems that are largely unsolvable, and highly unique, about an organic creature who is new to this world, from an unemployed dude (only the unemployed write blogs) wearing sweatpants who is unable to pay his Go Daddy bills without the use of a credit card.

Stop reading blogs about how to raise your kid, how to get your kid to sleep, what to feed your kid or any blog that gives advice but treats it like truth. Talk to a doctor. Talk to your mom (look at how far you came in your pre-baby life –SHE DID THAT).

All the decisions you make here are binary. Does he need a new diaper? Should we feed her? Is she tired? Is it too hot? All of these 50/50’s compound on one another and lead to how your kid is feeling.

Look at just those four things I just laid out. There are 32 different combinations! You have a 3% chance of making all the right decisions to get your baby in the PERFECT place. Your odds are better in Russian roulette.

The only one that isn’t binary is your ability to be good at it. Remember you are distinctly average now. In the world of 1’s and 0’s you are now a cool and steady point 5. Might as well get going on the next 1.6 kids and buy a house with a garage. And get a dog. Please don’t get a cat. Keep some of your dignity.

Oh, and the next time you are able to play an adult game of pool, darts or horseshoes will be when your kid is 16 and goes away for large chunks of the weekend. If you had this baby today, that is just 5,840 sweet days away.

You will get things wrong. You may get somethings right. Anything you learn will be by accident. If your kid is easy, it’s not because of anything you did – you happen to be lucky and have an easy baby. Have another one and check your report card at the end of round two.

It’s a humbling experience but, on average, you will have a ton of fun along the way.