Screens from Gravity (2013)

This post is about how I began to overcome depression, and, being the sort of person who likes to help others in similar situations, I will try to provide a method that you can apply to your own life. Now, I’m not a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, so you should take my advice as it is: the anecdote of a layman. I do provide practical, actionable things you can try, if nothing else has worked for you.

One thing I did only recently was simply to google “symptoms of depression.” I didn’t actually realise I was depressed for a long time, but now that I look back, I had every single one of the symptoms listed except weight loss/gain.

My recommendation to you in reading that list and checking off the symptoms, that if you can’t deny that you have a few, go and see a psychiatrist if that’s at all reasonable. Mental health is serious business, and you can do yourself damage if you are not careful. So try the traditional treatments like antidepressant medication and cognitive behavioural therapy first, and if you still feel you have a problem, you can try what I say. (Although my method is easier, more directly applicable, and doesn’t absolutely require help from anyone else. But if you have the ability to seek help, do so.)

First, what was my situation?

My depression began when I began to realise that life was ultimately pointless. They call it “existential depression.” I don’t believe in God and am not religious (which is my choice; I don’t intend to force this choice on others) and that caused me to have to face many issues that are hard to take, like the ultimate meaninglessness of existence and so on. Really, it’s typical teenage stuff for atheists/agnostics, so you can apply what stereotype you want to me. They’d probably be right. (I’ll give you a sentence: academically gifted individual struggles with mental health issues and bombs out of life.)

The result is that I have lived in a depressed state for many years without medication, and so I know what depression feels like, subjectively.

You feel that you lack the energy to make any changes. You feel as though nothing you do is worth it, that you cannot make a difference even to your own life. You feel useless, worthless, that the world would be better off without you, that you are a burden to those around you, that you can’t deal with anxiety- or stress-inducing situations (for me, social situations.)

If the drugs and the therapy don’t help, what could? (But they do help, statistically, so try what the doctors recommend first, if you can manage it.)

For me, what worked was treating depression as a cognitive bias, and specifically working to counter it. In my view, the bias is that your brain is deficient in the neurochemistry that regulates reward. So, when you’re depressed, you have to take specific notice of anything that might be rewarding.

When you’re depressed, even seemingly (from the outside) easy things might be, subjectively, almost impossible tasks. Someone looking at you from the outside might think you’re useless or a failure but remember that what’s easy for someone else may be hard for you. If anyone actually says something like that to you, they are the ones who don’t understand, and you should not take what they say to heart. Attempt to remove yourself from associating with people that make you feel terrible. Get help from supportive people in doing this. It’s very important to not be around people or things which are making you depressed.

In practice, most people in your life won’t say these things to you, but it can be something you imagine others would think about you. But what you imagine others might say (behind your back, perhaps) is not reality, although it may feel like it sometimes.

Clinical depression is roughly defined as a lack of ability to undergo even apparently simple, daily tasks. One failure mode is to spiral into a loop of self-hatred: in my opinion, cognitive behavioural therapy is most effective at reducing this tendency (in short, changing the way you think and act, and changing your attitude to your emotions to be more healthy.) It’s best if you can commit to sessions with a qualified psychologist or therapist, but if you can’t find the energy to do that, you can perhaps buy a book and follow the recommended advice. There are many tomes out there, but this site narrows it down to a few options, and you can choose one which looks the most appropriate for you. The one I personally read was The Happiness Trap, (about a slightly different form of CBT called ACT) which is probably good for coping with negative emotions. (I didn’t personally have problems with hating myself or negative emotions; just very low self-esteem.)

If I had to sum up the main useful points from The Happiness Trap, it’s the idea that you don’t, and perhaps shouldn’t, necessarily control your emotions. It helps to distance yourself and say, “I observe that I’m feeling _.” The other useful attitude to take is that your values are something that stay with you all the time. So figuring out your values is something that’s very important if you want to make positive changes in your life, and the book provides exercises and questions to help you.

Think about it as though your values are a compass. They don’t show you your destination, like a goal or a vision would, but they point you in the direction of positive changes, which you can make without having a specific goal in mind.

If you find that you can’t avoid the “death spiral,” seek help from a psychiatrist. Medication can help, if you find negative thoughts are a problem for you. The advantage is that it’s easy, take a pill and eventually you will feel better. Although if you live in a country without socialised healthcare, it may be expensive.

Low self-esteem is a common issue with depression so it’s hard to have the confidence to act alone. Don’t feel bad about using your support network. If you have supportive people in your life, you’re in a good position. Let them help you. If you’re trying what I recommend in this post, then have them read it so you’re on the same page.

I’m a very direct person. So when I realised I was depressed, I set about figuring out what exactly the core of the problem was, and set out to solve it. This core problem, in my opinion, is one of subjective cost vs subjective reward. Why do I think this? Lots of factors influence depression; can we find a common thread?

Factors that affect depression:

neurotransmitters in brain

specific brain regions being undersized/lacking connections

genetics

attitude/viewpoint towards the world

stress

trauma

lack of sunlight

medical issues and side effects of other medication

What is effective in treating or dealing with the effects of depression, barring or in addition to drugs? Most of the advice is pretty much “live a healthy life,” so things like

Get daily exercise

Eat healthy

Get enough sunlight

Reduce stress

The specific problem that I propose to help with is how to, in addition to doing these things, deal with changing your attitude to how you approach yourself and depression, as well as helping your brain learn to fix its neurotransmitter dysfunction. This won’t all be fixed with this one post, but what I propose here is the overall outline, to which the following posts will fill in more detail.

The way I see this is that you “hack” your brain’s reward system, consciously, to compensate for the negative bias it has on events. The goal, if there is one, is to build up a “well” of “willpower,” which you keep reinforcing, and can occasionally draw from when you need to do something you don’t find valuable. When you’re depressed, you don’t have that “well.” You’re not well. So this is my take on a process that will help you to build up that well of “potential energy” or “willpower.”

I’m worried that I’m putting it in terms too “mystical.” This is really a practical problem and spirituality and so on doesn’t really come into it (unless you want it to.) The above are just metaphors, that may help you think about what you’re doing. I got the “well” idea from Wink and Grow Rich, which purports to be about wealth creation but also has some great ways to look at how to live a healthy life regardless of who you may be.

Here is what worked in practice for me, and what I hope may work for you too.

Find something small and subjectively doable that you are sure would be a positive change in your life. (Even something simple like putting your clothes in the washer, or doing the dishes, or vacuuming or cleaning up your living space, or just going for a walk.) It’s important not to spend too long or too much effort thinking about it; just do the first thing that comes to mind that you think would be even slightly positive. (If you habitually overthink things, that habit is teaching your brain that thinking is a costly, negative thing to be doing, and so your brain will try to resist you. Don’t think too hard at this step.) Start doing that thing, and observe what happens. Go slow. Feeling pressured to do things can trigger all sorts of problems, so just do it at your own pace. If you need support, you could get the support person to read this post and say you’re trying the method, so they need to be considerate and realise that actually, what you’re doing may be hard for you. As an example, the activity I chose to start with was physical exercise. I habitually sit at the computer, a not uncommon affliction in today’s world, so things like going for a walk, doing squats or pushups (in the privacy of my own place; going to the gym would have been too much to handle) were positive changes in my own life. While you’re doing the activity, take conscious notice of what you’re doing. Try to “live in the moment” and not worry about the future or anything else. (See: mindfulness) While doing whatever it is, try to consciously pay attention to the positive aspects of the experience. If you finish the task or if the effort cost is getting too high, stop and rest. To overcome depression, you do need to expand your boundaries and change your habits, but not by too much all at once. It’s perfectly OK, even desired, to just do very small steps but be confident that you’re moving in the right direction. This is better than trying too hard and burning out. If you’re depressed, your tolerance for “trying hard” is very low. Once you’re finished, stop and observe the results of what you did. Realise this: You decided to do something, and you did it. That’s something to be proud of in itself. Think (if you have the energy) about whether the process was positive or negative, and reflect on the result. Even if it was only something as simple as going for a walk, you should still feel proud (or perhaps better said as “satisfied”), and remind yourself that you do have the ability to make positive changes in your life. Gradually and regularly repeat steps 1–6, so you build up your brain’s “subjective cost vs reward” function and make it more accurate; that is, less negatively biased. Because, after all, daily tasks shouldn’t be hard; plenty of people find them easy. But you should not feel bad because you cannot instantaneously do what others can do easily. Compare a professional pianist to an amateur going to their first few lessons. Just because you’re not at their level doesn’t mean you’re less valuable of a person, or less capable of doing your own unique thing. Depression means that you have a condition that impairs your ability to function normally. You really can become happy and healthy again, but it may be a long process. Accept this, and try to think small, at first. It’s extremely important to build momentum, and keep making these slight positive improvements regularly. It’s more important to regularly do something a bit positive than it is to make large positive changes infrequently. Remove negative influences from your life. Realise which things are making you depressed in the first place. A likely candidate is Facebook: Uninstall the app from your phone or tablet (temporarily, until you can handle it again) and focus on your own wellness. Because after all, if you’re not well, you need to remove anything that contributes to your illness from your life. This may be a particular person, online or offline activity (or addiction) or it may be anything. Hopefully, it’s not your job which you need to support yourself. (If it is, well, you’ll just have to gradually work at finding the small positives in that experience.) You need to decide for yourself. Talk to someone you find trustworthy, if you can, who’s not depressed. It may be that they can help you with this step, as removing things from your life can be hard when you have so little energy. Once you’ve consistently made positive changes and removed negative influences, you will feel subjectively whether you have more energy and can try harder things. Always remember though not to try to take on more than you can handle. You may feel as if you can safely go back to old habits; this is a mistake. Once you’re feeling good, commit to continuing this process of overcoming depression. Because if you don’t, you will eventually burn out and end up in the same space again. Once you no longer have too much negative bias, pay more attention to negative parts of your experience. Re-learn to complain. Gradually add in new things (or rediscover old things) to your life, one at a time, at a pace you can handle. Remember, going too fast causes burn-out, so don’t try to do everything at once even if you’re feeling comparatively great. One important thing you can do is to make longer-term plans, to give a direction to your life that you choose. And instead of thinking always in terms of “positive and negative,” look for the richness and nuance of everyday life. In short, become interested in life. But before that, looking for the negatives is as important as looking for the positives in terms of accurately training your brain’s reward chemistry, and sometimes you have to do things that wouldn’t be positive for you. That’s OK. What you were doing, in the earlier steps, is building up a well of energy from which you can occasionally draw, but more often build up, so that you can have a real choice about how to live your life.

Why do I think this process would work in general? This single post doesn’t contain every part of what’s required to overcome depression totally, but in combination with the interventions already suggested by doctors and therapists, can help you gain another perspective on your mental health. My goal is to help create mentally healthy people, because this is an issue that is close to my heart, having been depressed for a long time myself.

I hope this post has been of some help to you.