‘These fellows are destroying cherished memories for millions of Indians.’

Respected Sir/Madam,

I remember that day like yesterday. Actually I remember it even better than yesterday. Yesterday I had some curd rice from the fridge that was minimum one week old. After lunch I was little bit Disco Shanti for few hours.

But that day I will never forget. It was November of 1988. At that time I was working in Warangal branch on deputation after one senior accountant went on maternity leave. Mrs. Mathrubootham wanted to come and stay with me. But she was also in maternity situation. So I told her better to stay in Madras with my family and take full relaxation. Why take tension? Why you want to come to Warangal and manage so many problems? You see sir/ madam, back in those days, not like today where bank employees are all wearing branded shirt and pant and churidhar, and Swiss watch, speaking on iPhone and driving Toyota.

Those days and all, accountant salary means nothing. Maximum you can rent small house with two rooms. One room is bathroom and other room is kitchen cum dining cum sitting cum bedroom cum sitout cum car porch cum storeroom. If you take bath means no water in the kitchen. How a high-society glamorous lady like Mrs. Mathrubootham can stay in such a house? Never. So she stayed in Madras and I stayed in Warangal. She used to ask on the phone: Mr. Mathrubootham, you are comfortable there? Of course Kamalam, I used to say, it is like 2-star hotel. And then I would go back home and eat dinner of bread and jam sitting on rusted scooter cum teapoy.

On that great day in 1988, I was just finishing work, and branch manager was going to pull the shutter when cashier asked me: “Hello, Mr. Mathrubootham, whether you have seen Tezaab?”

For one second I thought, oh my god rest of my life is going to be in some Andhra jail eating gongura pickle and uppudi pindi. Because maybe you are aware, if cashier cannot find something means danger, danger, maha danger.

What nonsense, I am not aware of anything missing, I said loudly so that everybody in the branch could hear clearly and tell police later during investigation. Cashier said, stupid fellow, I am referring to latest Hindi film Tezaab, there is one excellent song. I said, please I am not interested in north Indian immoralities. But he forced me to go with him to nearby theatre, I think Ram Laxman movie hall.

Sir/ Madam, I think in whole of India not even Miss Madhuri Dixit is having copy of Tezaab film in VHS, Betamax, Audio CD, Video CD and DVD. Myself, Mr. Mathrubootham, is having all of these. I will never forget first time when I saw performance of ‘Ek Do Teen’ song inside Warangal cinema theatre. It is one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Next weekend itself, I went to Chennai and told Mrs. Mathrubootham, immediately come with me, we must see Tezaab. We saw whole film in pin-drop silence. Afterwards we went to Dasaprakash and during tiffin I asked her: so Kamalam what are your thoughts about Madhuri Dixit? She said Madhuri is below average, I don’t think she has future in film industry, total waste next to Anil Kapoor.

Because Mrs. Mathrubootham was carrying, I did not create scene. Otherwise?

Otherwise I would have told her stupid woman, you are making fun of Madhuri? Then I would have thrown idlis on the floor. How dare you? All chutneys on the floor. What is Anil Kapoor? He is the utter waste. Rava kesari on ceiling. This is called acting? Even this dining table has more expression. In his most superhit film, they had to make him invisible character because he is so unbearable.

But I did not say anything.

Sir/ Madam, earlier today Mrs. Mathrubootham gave me the sad news that some miscreant film producer has made a new version of ‘Ek Do Teen’. Both of us switched on YouTube and saw the video. How much more I should suffer in my life? You tell me.

If I was still working in bank I would have myself stolen petty cash and then gone to jail so that I never have to see this nonsense ever again. People will say Nirav Modi and all is anti-national. Asabhyam. Real anti-national is these criminals making new ‘Ek Do Teen’. Nirav Modi stole money, ok fine. These fellows are destroying cherished memories for millions of Indians.

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham