Looks like those Iranians are about to get what they deserve (see the videocast below; new evidence suggests we might be closer than ever to actual, flat-out war with Iran).

Luckily, Ron Paul isn't President. If he were, our military might not be allowed to conduct another pre-emptive, outrageously expensive, publicly unpopular war at a time when U.S. infrastructure is in dire need of modernization, our education system is crumbling, and millions are out of work.

Also, did you know that Ron Paul is against the Patriot Act? What does he have against patriots?

He's also against the NDAA, which ended right to trial and access to an attorney for American citizens when Obama signed it into law on New Year's Eve. I know that sounds scary, but Obama is very smart -- and totally cool and hip, he even has a Twitter account, guys! -- and if he wants to sign away our Bill of Rights without consulting us, which he did, I'm sure there is a very good reason for it. Stop defending weird outdated stuff like "the Constitution," Mr. Paul. As if we really need to rule our nation by some random, like, book thing in Washington D.C. or wherever. Sounds boring.

And one final thing: Ron Paul says the government shouldn't decide what you put in your own body. Oh yeah? That's madness, sir. If we listened to your crazy Liberty stuff, old man, then our righteous government wouldn't be able to do necessary things like imprison a young mother for 12 years and completely ruin her family for the heinous crime of a $31 marijuana sale.

We need to keep our streets safe, and we can't let a brutal modern-day Pablo Escobar like that mother roam the streets freely, peddling her $31 worth of a plant that a) is impossible to overdose on b) makes people happy, especially the terminally ill c) was legal to consume for most of the United States' great history as a nation and d) several of our founding fathers, including Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, enthusiastically grew.

Ron Paul, please stop with your Liberty nonsense. You're getting in the way of our terrifying police state, and our delicious slide into literal fascism.

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Tags: Ron Paul, Liberty, Big Brother, Satire