It’s OK, your hen do can’t possibly go any worse than this one… (Picture: Bridesmaids)

With the wedding season looming, now’s the time to panic buy versatile day-to-night outfits, work out where you stand on the great fascinator/hat/bare head debate and curse those who’ve bought up all the reasonably-priced presents on the gift list.

But before all that comes the fun bit – the hen dos.

In case you’ve forgotten last year’s carnage, here’s what you can expect.

1. Excitement


You’ve had the date in your diary for months.

To be honest, you’re a lot more excited about this than the wedding, not least because you love these girls and, unlike weddings, there is a tiny chance you may actually ‘meet someone’ while you’re out.



And now it’s nearly here…

2. Preparation

You’ve packed handbag-ready flats as well as heels, make-up wipes and a dazzling array of penis-shaped novelty goods. Bring on the weekend!

3. Panic

Sadly your novelty goods do not include a penis-shaped compass or map and, after your iPhone dies taking Google Maps with it, you find yourself driving around stunning country lanes desperately looking for a service station, a sign, or any indication of human life.

4. Elation

Through a winning combination of following your nose and following the tractor of a farmer who felt sorry for you, you eventually find your hen do destination, be it spa, hotel or adventurous activity.

Hooray! You made it! And hooray! Here’s the bride to be!

5. Socialisation

…But there’s also quite a lot of other people you’ve never met before, some of whom are clearly the bridal party’s mums and aunts.

Time for a lot of people to ask one another if they’ve travelled far and discuss how changeable the weather’s been.

6. Participation

Activities vary at this point, from afternoon tea to paintballing, but the same rule applies – everyone participates.

And not in an ‘OK, I’ll give it a go’ sort of way. That will not cut it on a hen do.

Your enthusiasm levels for the activity must surpass those of a teenage boy whose parents have gone out and who has just worked out how to disable his computer’s porn filter.

7. Inebriation

You may well have started drinking during the socialisation and participation stages, but there is a very definite ‘bit where we all get drunk’.

Remember to bring out the penis-shaped novelty goods at this point.

There is a direct correlation between the success of a hen do and the number of phalluses viewed.

8. The hilarious things we all remember

Dares. Dances. Games. Dancing dare games. Laughing till you cry.

And the penis-shaped novelty goods, naturally.

9. The hilarious things no one can remember

…until someone posts evidence on Facebook.

10. Aftermath

At least one hen’s gone AWOL.

Another’s still drunk at midday and trying to flirt her way out of the hotel bill.



And the hangovers. No one can forgets the hangovers.

Worn like a dry-mouthed, itchy-eyed badge of honour.

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