PARIS, TX—Finally confronting their regret concerning their near-divorce decades earlier, married couple Leila and Tom Gerhart admitted Monday that they would not have continued their loveless marriage if they had known their son Harris, 21, would turn out the way he did. “We only stayed together for his sake, and this is how he repays us—by turning into a lazy slob who plays video games all day,” said Harris’s mother, explaining that she and her incompatible husband would have never bothered providing their son with a stable family unit if they had suspected Harris would drop out of community college to become a part-time cashier at a friend’s vape store. “We could have split up and stuck him with a decent child psychologist, and he would’ve turned out no worse than he is now. So many times we almost ended it for good, but we were worried it would screw up his personal growth. Man, he really played us.” The Gerharts are currently delaying their divorce until Harris gets his custom T-shirt business off the ground.

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