"Create a safe space in which you're not in overwhelmed work mode, face each other, and have eye contact," says somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond. "Let them know that this might be hard for you or you’ve been waiting for the right moment," Richmond says. So, rather than blurting out, "I want to try double penetration," at Thanksgiving dinner, wait for the right moment when you're alone with your partner.

Remember that it's also usually easier to share something with others once you've become okay with it yourself, so if this is a kink you carry unneeded shame over, it might be good to work through that shame with a sex therapist or in your own individual time before talking it over with a partner. Further, it's important to remember that as long as your fantasy is between two consenting adults, it's likely totally normal. Seriously, we're all pervs.

When to Move Forward and When to Move On

If you disclose that you're curious about a threesome, for example, and your partner responds unfavorably, there are plenty of ways to take the conversation. Though some people are just assholes and you might want to take this as a sign you should move on, you may be in an otherwise loving relationship and your partner might just be slightly thrown off by your disclosure.

If this is the case, sex therapist David Ortmann stresses first and foremost not to take it personally. Sometimes, intentionally or not, partners will project their own sexual insecurities onto us. "Realize that it’s probably not about you and you shouldn’t take it on as something personal, as hard as that is to do. Get to a friend or a professional that understands and validates your sexuality," he advises.

Some relationships are kink-incompatible, which means that partners may be turned on by different things, and that can sometimes be worked around (more on this later). Other times, you may need to move on. For example, I now understand that the former partner who shamed me for the aforementioned sex party invitation was disinterested in public sex mostly due to insecurities, which is perfectly fine. However, he should have discussed this with me, rather than just making me feel like a bad slut.