Like many of you, I received my general-election ballot in the mail last week and, like many of you, I was shocked to see a record-tying 16 candidates for president of the United States on the Colorado buffet.

Of course, there are the two guys we all know: the one everyone hates because of health-care reform (except for the good parts) and the sluggish economic recovery (except for the good parts), and the one everyone hates because he’s Thurston Howell III (except he owns the island and shelters his investments there) and changes his positions like a weather vane (except for the moment when they match your own views).

We’ve never even heard of most of the other candidates before seeing their names on the ballot, namely because the “mainstream media” is biased (toward reality).

But, at least in theory, the Colorado offerings prove the adage that the great thing about this country is that anyone can run for president, so long as they can cough up the $500 filing fee. That is the only qualification to get on the ballot, making Colorado the easiest state for taking a shot at the White House.

The state’s nine electoral votes, however, fall just a bit short of the 270 actually needed to win the election.

For those surprisingly large number of you who are so disgusted by the front-runners or so completely disengaged to somehow remain “undecided” at this late date in the race, I’ve put together this little primer so that you can participate in the great American democratic tradition of wasting your vote.

At the top of the ballot is Virgil H. Goode Jr., of the American Constitution Party. With a platform steeped in religious overtones and offering standard-fare conservative planks — anti-abortion, pro-defense, anti-tax, pro-gun, anti-government intervention, pro-energy development, anti-gay rights — it’s actually difficult to distinguish this party from the modern GOP.

The same pretty much could be said for Tom Hoefling of America’s Party and the Ayn Rand-worshipping Objectivist nominee, Thomas Robert Stevens.

Then there’s Libertarian Gary Johnson, a former Republican governor of New Mexico, Mount Everest climber, Ironman triathlete and participant in the Leadville 100 mountain-bike race.

On the other end of the spectrum sits Green Party candidate Jill Stein and Justice Party candidate Ross C. “Rocky” Anderson, although wouldn’t it be cool to have a prez who answers to “Rocky”?

No fewer than four tickets carry the banner of socialism — real socialists, not the Obama-must-be-one kind. So for all of you Trotskyites who support living in government-built cinderblock communes, valuing everyone’s labor uniformly and sharing wealth equally, pick between Stewart Alexander of the Socialist Party, Jerry White of the Socialist Equality Party, Gloria La Riva of the Socialism and Liberation Party and James Harris of the Socialist Workers Party.

Of interest, the latter party in 2004 actually ran two candidates who were constitutionally unqualified for the presidency: Roger Calero, who was not an American citizen, and running mate Arrin Hawkins, who was only 29 years old.

Contrast that with another run-of-the-mill conservative, We The People nominee Shelia “Samm” Tittle, who once said in an interview with Yahoo.com: “There are only three qualifications to be president in the Constitution. I meet all three of those qualifications.” Talk about a convincing campaign pitch!

Representing the white supremacists on the ballot is far-right American Third Position candidate Merlin Miller, who recently in U.S. News & World Report defended Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as being unfairly demonized after meeting with the Iranian leader to lament the “Zionist-controlled media.”

Officially billed as “unaffiliated,” Jill Reed is affiliated with something called the Twelve Visions Party, which is as loopy as it sounds, basing its platform on mysticism to eradicate poverty, many diseases and terrorism and crime, minimize unemployment and improve education and quality of life. Given that Coloradans also are being asked to legalize marijuana … .

Finally, that leads to the candidacy of Roseanne Barr — yes, that Roseanne Barr — the comedienne/actress who is running on the self-explanatory Peace and Freedom Party ticket. Given Barr’s lewd massacre of the national anthem at a baseball game in 1990, she’s one candidate for president who probably ought to be disqualified automatically.

Steve Lipsher of Silverthorne is a former editor of the Summit Daily News.