There is a typo in the title. Not the negative. That’s supposed to be there. We really do have negative time to save the planet.

The typo, or rather inaccuracy, is in the “12”. I made it up. It’s in the ballpark; it’s not off by an order of magnitude or anything dramatic. I had to pick a number, and -12 looks good in a headline. Call the exaggeration in certainty artistic license.

Back in the late 1970’s we only had a decade, maybe two, to SAVE THE PLANET. Then in the late 1980s, we had only five years, perhaps ten if we were lucky, to SAVE THE PLANET.

In the 1990s conditions had, as we all remember, grown worse. The time was short. We had, tops, three years to SAVE THE PLANET.

By the naughties, the tipping point had been breached. It was then we only had moments, seconds, even, to SAVE THE PLANET.

The teens came and went. It was about 2012 we entered into negative numbers. We had only -1 year, or thereabouts, to SAVE THE PLANT.

It’s now a handful of days to 2020, where a good estimate is that we have, as the title suggests, only -12 years to SAVE THE PLANET.

Clearly, with that amount of time left, the only rational response is abject, terror-stricken panic. I myself like to run up First avenue on Wednesday afternoons in my shorts screaming “Watch the skies!” Unfortunately, this kind of thing is not a rare site in New York, so people don’t pay much attention. My efforts are doing little to SAVE THE PLANET.

Running amok would not be out of the question. Perhaps a killing spree would wake people up. Well, wake up the people you didn’t kill. But that goes without saying.

This isn’t just me, you understand. There’s a lot of really smart people who agree that we only have -12 years, or thereabouts, to save the planet.

Take the cabal—if cabal is the word I want—of university employees in England who have written an open letter to their colleagues about SAVING THE PLANET.

Humanity stands at the brink of a precipice. If we do not urgently address climate breakdown and the ecological crisis, the very future of life on earth is in question. David Attenborough has said “We cannot be radical enough” in tackling the climate crisis, and the people are listening.

The climate has broken down. It did so about twelve years ago. We don’t even have a working climate now. What’s going on outside even our best scientists don’t know.

Anyway, it’s obvious, even to celebrities, even to an intellect like David Attenborough’s, that “We cannot be radical enough” to SAVE THE PLANET. So go ahead and run amok! Set fire to something! Kidnap somebody famous! Take hostages at your local TV station!

Don’t bother making house payments or fixing the car. Give the money to some mega charity dedicated to SAVING THE PLANET instead. They’ll know how to use your money better than you do. Their wintertime fact-finding to Monte Carlo are making great strides to fixing the climate crisis.

WARNING Ladies and farm animals should look away until after the next quotation:

Universities are the bastions of wisdom and knowledge that are urgently needed to combat the climate crisis.

Those whose spleens are still intact after reading that may continue to this next sentence:

The impacts of climate change are being felt more rapidly than predicted

Now an ordinary, mostly sober reader would take that as an admission (a very common one) that climatologists don’t know their business. If they can’t make good predictions, they have no idea how the atmosphere really works.

But the only kind of person who would make that point is a person who does not want to SAVE THE PLANET.

Speaking on sobriety:

As the United Nations warns that climate crisis-related disasters are happening at a rate of one a week, the risk we face is that impacts may soon run away from us with changes too swift and unpredictable to mitigate.

Once a week! Dude, that’s, like, a lot of climate crisis-related disasters in just one year. I did the math: 52. My calculator broke, or I’d do two a week. And two a week is surely around the corner.

The work starts now to transform our world into a sustainable, safe and fair place for our children to thrive — the Great Transition.

Wait. How’d we get from climate emergency, and less than -12 years to SAVE THE PLANET, to making the world a “fair place”?

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