3 a.m.

10:30 a.m.

11 a.m

.

12 p.m.

His "resume" doesn't matter. He can be elder's quorum president, a returned missionary, or a teacher at the MTC. Maybe even all three. It literally does not matter what his background is, his background does not provide a clear representation of who he is as a person. A person's actions speak louder than their words. An assault can happen to anyone from anyone. Someone's "resume" doesn't make them automatically a good person. Your body reacts in different ways to fear. There are fight, flight, or freeze defensive mechanisms. Freezing includes your body locking up, not being able to speak, and essentially, being frozen. You can't fight, speak or scream and your body becomes your enemy. This can led to numerous guilty thoughts later about not being able to have done more to leave your situation. Which leads me to my next point... You are not guilty . If you had a penny for the amount of time you would spend thinking, "What if I ...", you would not have any student debt. It is never any victim's fault. A person is not responsible for the actions of another person. It was someone else's decision to do harm, not yours. When someone has the intention to do harm, there's nothing you can do to prevent it. Talking about it helps. It's an incredibly personal experience where no words are sufficient to describe the emotions and pain that come afterwards. Yet, people are around to help. Reaching to people that you can trust is a lifesaver. It can literally save your life. This can include parents, siblings, church leaders, friends, therapists, etc. Report your assaulter. People can and will help you. Talking about your assault will lead to feelings of relief, peace, and empowerment. You are not alone. Give yourself time to heal. It's okay to not be okay. It will take longer than 24 hours to be "normal" again. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not date. It's okay to stay home on a Friday night. It's okay to go slow. Trying to ignore and push away what happened is dangerous. Trying to pretend like you are fine is even worse. Make time for yourself. Go to the gym, buy cake for yourself, read a book, or go on a long drive and sing Hannah Montana songs. Remember who you are by doing the things that you love and don't be scared to do them alone. Take the time to be okay with yourself. TREAT YO'SELF. You are an amazing person filled with amazing qualities. Let yourself be happy, even if it's just in the smallest of things. Little by little, the happy moments will add up and you will genuinely be happy again. It will come. Believe in yourself. Healing starts with you. Believe that you are strong enough, good enough, and better than what happened to you. Believe that you will be okay again. Believe that you are capable of anything that life throws at you. Believe that you are beautiful, powerful, and incredible. Don't let the negative in your life define you. Believe in you. God loves you. God loved you before the assault, during the assault, and after the assault. He didn't let something terrible happen to you because He hates you. He loves you and will always love you. The greatest peace and happiness comes from finding hope and strength in religion. He will let you know how much you mean to Him if you let Him in your life. Pray often. Read the scriptures. Let Him heal you.

Don't be gloomy. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart.

Technically a Sunday morning, or a late, late Saturday night. I stumble to my twin-sized bed before I curled into fetal position. My body shakes and shudders as my pain comes out in tears and screams. I squeeze a pillow to my mouth, so my roommates on the other side of the wall won't hear. I grip the pillow tight enough that my fingers scream in pain, but it's nothing compared to what I feel inside."Please, please let me fall asleep," I pray desperately.I'm late for church. Something feels wrong, wrong, wrong. That's when the memories of the previous night hit. The darkness. The bedroom. The hands. The fear. The fear. The fear. Overwhelmed, I grip my pillow for life support. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in..."Go to church, you'll feel better. You're late, you don't have time for this. Go," I order myself.I touch what I hope is an outfit that matches and get dressed. Shoes, wallet, car keys, I'm out the door, in my car, looking in a daze at the road in front of me.I climb the steps to my seat and avoid every person that looks at me. I sit down, open the hymn, and stare at the words. One quiet moment is all it takes. Feelings of disgust, worthlessness, misery, pain, and horrible sadness overwhelm me. I was wrong. I shouldn't have left my bed today. I need to go home.Back in bed curling in pain. Crying, screaming, desperately pleading for sleep to have mercy on me."Please, please let me fall asleep."These are the first 9 hours after a sexual assault I experienced at BYU. The first 9 hours were just 1% of the aftermath that I dealt with. There are so many things I learned in the days and months that followed, but I just wish that someone had told me these things before.So, here are some things I wish I knew at BYU prior to my sexual assault.Unfortunately, there are no "Top 10 Ways to Know if He is an Assaulter" signs, but there are ways to heal and overcome any assault that can happen. There is peace and hope. There is happiness. You can and will feel it.