Response to Alex of Gaybros

Alex: Sup. Alex here.

Me: Sup again. I hope you don't mind, but I'll be excising parts of the letter. If I left anything out you think is important, let me know.

Alex: First of all, my initial reaction is sadness. I will explain this further, but to put it simply: you have completely mischaracterized a group based on your prior experiences and misjudged a great group of guys. I’ll address some of your points to illustrate what I mean.

Me: I'd like to think I didn't, and as I mentioned previously, I don't think you're bad people. Did I mischaracterize you though? From your own Reddit -- "If a topic clearly isn't for Gaybros "What's your favorite Cher song?" we'll remove it and point you to another place." Is there a reason a gaybro can't talk shop on Cher? Or is that too mainstream gay? The problem here is that I can't figure out your voice. What's your point? You're gays who [fill in the blank for me]. Elevator speech this for me if I'm not getting it.

Alex: but nothing for guys like me who were into cars and watching sports and talking about the implications of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’s repeal (to answer your confusion with the military issues phrase), etc.

Me: And so you didn't start a gay sports group (http://www.reddit.com/r/gaysports)? Dude. Do not front with me here. You're pushing macho as the new butch as the new straight-acting as the new not-gay. And so yeah, it's kinda fair to question your motives.

Alex: We aren’t interested in defining ourselves by what we aren’t

Me: See above.

Alex: Does anyone conform 100% to a definition of a group to which they belong? I would wager no. We list interests and activities that are things many of us like because it attracts like-minded guys who will probably enjoy our conversations and meet ups. The interests themselves are absent any societal implications, and we think they are fun and enjoy discussing them. I do apologize, but I would wager that any negative implications you have from this are a result of your participation in assumptions of superiority of “masculine” interests because we definitely do not claim that any of these things imply a superiority - it’s simply the things we like.

Me: I read this a few times and when it at first seemed reasonable, it seemed less and less so as I kept reading because I realized that it was one of those things you say when you're called out for doing something that you'd rather not get called out for. Yes, I imagine that if we're meeting up in Plato-land that this is a fine group, but you can't divorce context from history and expect shit to be fine. You're very clearly constructing an identity that you feel is an acceptable way to be gay while engaging in subtle shaming. No, I don't think you're malicious. But let's give you an example. My friend IMs me after reading this and he says, "I grilled this weekend, but I followed an Ina Garten recipe. Am I a gaybro?" You're constructing a binary.

Alex: Again, I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed. I’ve been out to my parents since I was 12 years old and was a founding member of my towns GSA-style organization when I was 16 years old. I’ve met all manner of gay, bi, trans and queer folk, spent summer weeks in Provincetown and have experienced a lot. I’ve met other Gaybro types and enjoyed their company, so I decided to make a group on Reddit. Gaybros takes away nothing from any other group, it only adds another facet to the community.

Me: It adds nothing new, although you've put it in a conveniently branded package. You've put a new label on the same old stuff. The fact that you were actually far younger when you came out just makes this all the more shocking to me, unless you happen to buy heavily into gender stereotypes.

Alex: some of them simply do not (yet) identify with the gay world they see through media. It doesn’t mean what they don’t identify with is bad, but if Gaybros can help just one of them feel less alone, less isolated, or a little more okay about themselves, it will be worth it. We hear from people regularly who credit the community for allowing them to accept who they are and starting them on their path to self acceptance. That’s a powerful thing.

Me: I guess I'm scratching my head as to why you're raising money for The Trevor Project or not. Are you a social group or are you an advocacy group? This is standard boilerplate, and I'm afraid that I'm a bit cynical as to your motives. No, I don't think you want people to commit suicide or anything. But I certainly think you've invented some sort of purpose for your group beyond establishing a no-Homers Stonecutters group.

Alex: Listen, Gaybros is often misunderstood because people associate the concept with previous groups “straight-acting” “jock” etc who were historically less-than-friendly and closed groups. Gaybros is not that group. I urge you to take a look into the community and you will find an accepting, welcoming group of guys who gather around shared interests (not mannerisms) and have built a system of support for those who are struggling to come to terms with themselves.

Me: I'm not sure if you understand that you're not actually open. You may be friendly and welcoming, but since our exchange (and my initial posting of Gaybros' Facebook page), I have been slammed with questions asking where the line is. I still want to know where it is. You haven't been clear. You never will be, since masculinity is a social construct that is not mutually agreed upon. It's based on your own background. Being Southern, everyone up here to me seems a bit feminine.

Believe it or not, you've already scared off a potential member--a friend of mine who loves baking and ballet, but also scrums with his rugby league. He's afraid of not being able to express the feminine interests along side the masculine ones. And see, that's where you're failing here. Not explicitly, but you implicitly announce to potential members that if they want to hang, they'd better be ready for beer and sports and knives, and deviating from that isn't welcome. You're not welcoming the whole person. And if there's anything about being gay that I think is a truth, it's about embracing your full gender spectrum. It's about being able to drag (in my case, once, and feeling like I could never do it again for both emotional and practical reasons) or to lip sync as a woman or to bake or to be penetrated or to love art and fashion and culture.

So yes, despite your best intentions--and I do understand you had them--you are not doing the good you think that you are. Let's keep the lines open. I am at the very least enjoying being able to discuss this with you.