Screw You, Losers! Our Narcissistic, Corrupt, Racist, Anti-Science, Transphobic, Sexist, Classist, Nationalistic, Serial-Lying Adulterer President Didn’t Collude With Russia to Help Win an Already Gerrymandered Election!

Nice try, haters! You thought you could take down our great president, Donald J. Trump, with your witch hunt, but nope: FULLY EXONERATED. That’s right, our narcissistic, corrupt, racist, anti-science, transphobic, sexist, classist, nationalistic, serial-lying, adulterer president didn’t collude with Russia to help win an already gerrymandered election!

“Says who?” you ask? Well, the Attorney General of the United States — that’s who, jerks. Attorney General Bill Barr, who before he was appointed said he believes the Constitution does not consider it a crime for the president to wield his executive powers corruptly, has read the Mueller Report and deemed that Trump did nothing wrong. Sure, the report mentions that there may be evidence Trump tried to obstruct justice, but evidence schmevidence; the current Attorney General, who President Trump recently selected to lead the Department of Justice after firing the previous Attorney General, says that our man, Trump is in the clear. On to 2020, suckers!

So, what’s next, dorks? You were so desperate to dethrone our elected king president that you supported a totally illegal investigation that turned up a whole lot of nothing about him or anybody important in his campaign or administration. What sort of sleazy sham will you try to pull now?

Here’s a thought: how about you don’t? How about you instead take a page from Trump himself back before he was president and respect and support our commander in chief even though your world view might differ from his? Besides, it’s obvious to everyone that his administration is doing a bang-up job and is making America great again. Why is that so hard for you dweebs to understand?

Now that Disgraced and Discredited Bob Mueller and his Angry Democrat Thugs are done wasting our time, President Trump can get on with the business of leading our great nation by using his position to fatten his wallet, closing our borders, encouraging white supremacy, trashing dead political rivals, restricting the rights of women, and ensuring the irreversibility of climate change. So, time to man-up and face the facts, snowflakes: Our narcissistic, corrupt, racist, anti-science, transphobic, sexist, classist, nationalistic, serial-lying adulterer president is completely and totally exonerated!