The funny old game is dead but the third round of the FA Cup showed that a new set of football phrases is alive and well

No broadcaster worth his salt would compare a beaten footballer to a sick parrot these days, but the game remains as clichéd as ever. The funny old game with players who could turn on sixpences is gone, but a new breed of football clichés is emerging.

Games are no longer comprised of two halves; they now have turning points. These are particularly useful for beaten managers and presenters of TV highlights shows. The biggest turning points of all are those refereeing decisions that prevent turning points – the penalties not given and the corner kicks that should have been goal kicks. These are much sought-after luxuries for frustrated managers who want to deflect attention away from their players.

There is no greater time for clichés than the third round of the FA Cup. Although every game can be a cup final, the magic of the Cup peaks in January, when the builders and milkmen pit themselves against the multimillionaires of the Premier League. As lower league teams play a more agricultural style of football – all old-fashioned wing play rather than those newfangled inside-out wingers – they have to get among their opponents and get in their faces.

These underdogs often take heart from the thought that their more seasoned and experienced opponents will never have faced an atmosphere like a smallish stadium with imperfect grass. Their stands can also be closer to the pitch, which is ideal for seeing the whites of the supporters' eyes.

Underdogs have to hope their more accomplished opponents suffer from the Lionel Messi syndrome: the inability to perform in provincial cities on wet Tuesday nights. As the world's best player, Messi is associated with a few modern clichés. It is now mandatory to rave about any spectacular goal scored by a mid-ranking player by suggesting that people would rave about it more if Messi had scored it. Perhaps he wouldn't be singled out like this if he learned how to hit the ball too well – the common fault of every drilled shot that goes straight down the keeper's throat.

At least Messi is part of a team that plays the game the right way. Arsenal and Swansea contested a fairly dull first half on Sunday afternoon, but both teams were praised for keeping the ball on the deck rather than going long at the first opportunity. They were trying to pass their way into the fourth round. Arsène Wenger hasn't won a trophy in years, but his team overcame a potential banana-skin to earn a replay at the Emirates. They'll have to do it all again back in north London under the floodlights. Both managers could do without the impending fixture backlog, but they wanted to be in the hat for the fourth round.

West Ham's 2-2 draw with Manchester United provided a few more modern football clichés. Paul Scholes was booked for a rash challenge. Everyone laughed. James Collins scored two textbook headers that were carbon copies of each other. West Ham were winning by a single goal – surely the most dangerous scoreline in football – before Robin Van Persie equalised in Fergie Time to save his team-mates from the proverbial hairdryer.

The all-Premier League tie was a breathless affair. United were less than convincing at the back, but West Ham's rearguard action couldn't hold up to United's strength in depth. It was a proper, old-fashioned Cup tie played at a high enough tempo to resemble a typical Premier League encounter. We can only assume that Big Sam and his old friend Sir Alex enjoyed a good bottle of red afterwards.

Liverpool's defeat of Mansfield was another minefield for football clichés. Although only playing to the whistle, Luis Suárez raised his particularly ugly head and handled the ball. To be fair, we'd all have done it, but it leaves a sour taste. Mansfield had given a good account of themselves after Daniel Sturridge had opened his account and perhaps Suárez should have come out and held up his hands after the match.

They say these things even themselves out across the course of a season, but try telling that to the Mansfield lads, who ran their socks off while giving more percentage points than is mathematically possible. When all's said and done, the ref's decision is final and the only statistic that mattered was in the top left-hand corner of your screen. But you have to feel for Mansfield, who were 93 league places below their opponents in the pyramid.

The FA Cup is special as it's not about the three points. There are no clubs fighting for their lives while all at sea, adrift, marooned, sinking and anchored to the bottom of the table. It's not about your Big Fours and your bottom threes, your so-called bigger clubs and your drop zones. Fans don't have to bring portable radios to listen to results filtering through from elsewhere. It's the greatest Cup competition in the world. But it is littered with annoying phrases and you just know that whoever wins it will have to contend with a fully kitted-out John Terry turning up at Wembley's Royal Box in May.

What are the most annoying clichés in modern football?