UPPER DARBY, PA — According to the Associated Press, last week in Delaware County (Delco), a balding and currently single millennial man created an Ashley Madison account.

During a brief interview with Jessica Worling, AP reporter, the 29-year-old Delco native described his motivations.

“It’s tough out there. I’m a balding accountant with a beer belly full of broken dreams and pretty much zero accomplishments. And I haven’t even hit 30. Would you have sex with me? No, of course not. But everybody knows that guys with a girlfriend or wife are more desirable and attractive to women. That was my thinking. If these women think I’m married, then they’d be more likely to withstand my gaze and wouldn’t recoil from my touch as violently as they do.”

The AP reporter followed up and asked about the results so far.

“Not too bad, not too bad. You see, I’m willing to do, uh, some pretty emasculating things that most men won’t do, which some women go crazy for. I’m definitley a niche-favorite among a certain husband-hating segment of the population that tends to congregate on Ashley Madison. It’s been quite a ride.”