For boys who attend college, the experience is usually when they begin to determine their identity away from their family and the anchors they’ve known since childhood. Experts say that the college years, when they are expected to somehow independently transition from boyhood to manhood, are also the stage at which they feel the most vulnerable. Researchers have described boys’ freshman year as characterized by separation anxiety, loss, and grief. At the same time, these boys frequently think that they can’t express those feelings, because they are strongly pressured to fit into what academics call “traditional masculinity.”

Read more: Today’s masculinity is stifling

What does it mean to be masculine in the 21st century? Masculinity can, of course, take multiple forms, but psychologists say that men are commonly expected to suppress emotions, desire multiple sexual partners and casual relationships, engage in risky behaviors and physical aggression , want to dominate situations, assert independence, and have control over women.

Just because these are the prevailing masculine characteristics doesn’t mean that the majority of men want to follow them, however. Surveys have found that most college guys don’t endorse traditional masculine norms, but believe that most other men do. More specifically, college men overestimate their peers’ use of alcohol and other drugs, amount of sexual activity, desire to hook up, willingness to use force to have sex, acceptance of homophobia, and tolerance of behavior that degrades women. They don’t necessarily know what their peers truly believe, possibly because they think that having intimate conversations about those things would be unmasculine.

At many colleges across the country, fraternity brothers told me that, in general, the guys who are considered most masculine are the ones who hook up the most—and, especially among underclassmen, the ones who drink. To be considered masculine at one Florida college, “you gotta be fit, very social, good-looking, love to party, be able to talk to girls, play the field well, hook up,” a sophomore fraternity brother told me. “And on my campus, everyone loves to be involved, so also having high-up positions or a good job.” At an Oregon school, a junior said, “a zero-cares attitude makes you more masculine.”

Several studies have found that men who adhere to traditional expressions of masculinity (such as the aforementioned) have comparatively worse mental and physical health and increased chances of illness, injury, and death . College students who follow this path are more likely to drink more, become depressed, and commit sexual assault. And it’s common for men to become emotionally isolated because they worry that showing vulnerability isn’t manly.