WASHINGTON DC — Today on Capitol Hill, legislators received a mouthful from an enraged Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. Ryan has faced increased media scrutiny after The New York Times recently ran an expose detailing his life as an invertebrate.

Despite the obvious nature of Ryan’s condition, many citizens found the report shocking and disturbing. A barrage of speciesist hate tweets, articles, and phone calls from constituents quickly followed. Memes of Ryan dangling from a fish hook and eight-legged renditions of him spraying ink from his butthole have since trended on social media.

While Ryan had initially refused to comment on the controversy, he erupted today during a congressional session concerning oil drilling in Alaskan waters.

Leading up to the outburst, CSPAN footage shows a dandy Lindsay Graham standing before the room, telling a joke to members of Congress:

“Why don’t crabs like oil drilling? Because they’re shellfish.” -Lindsay Graham

While much of Congress chuckled at Graham’s droll wit, Paul Ryan immediately thrashed down his hands and crawled his way to the podium, shoving Graham aside.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have something to say,” Ryan roared. “I’m sick and tired of the insensitive jokes and discrimination towards invertebrates. I see it every damn day and enough is enough. I’ve had it up to here with being criticized for lacking a spine. As if that’s such a bad thing!” “There are tons of advantages to spine-free living and I find it hypocritical that in our PC world people would laugh at someone for a physical difference. I’m not disabled — I’m differently abled. Okay!?” Ryan continued, “You may think you’re better than me, but can you suck your own dick?”

An undisturbed silence filled the room. Mike Pence covered his ears in horror at Ryan’s language. Bernie Sanders woke up.

“I didn’t think so…” said Ryan. “I can do tons of other things better than you straight-backs. I’m amazing at yoga, doing the worm, fitting through small crevices, and I NEVER suffer from back pain! Oh and one other thing… I mentioned I can suck my own dick right?” “And for you filthy-minded lefties in the room, no, that doesn’t mean I’m gay. I’m so straight okay. It’s not gay if it’s your own dick.”

Ryan then removed the microphone from the stand and dropped it like a total badass, before leaving the podium and slithering back to his seat with his nose in the air.