quit comp ow and explaining some things

o/



I am finally quitting competitive Overwatch for multiple reasons;



-I do not enjoy Overwatch as a game anymore, making it hard to put in the hours required to play professionally. Overwatch ranked is so far from actual team play that it is barely worth playing, not to mention the stress that comes with trying to win. My newfound lack of passion for the game has caused me to be unmotivated. I used to record every scrim block I played. I used to watch every vod I recorded. I used to make notes, and review them over and over before bed. I used to watch every stream I could of other players and see what they did differently. I used to spend hours in custom games visualizing movements and potential power positions. I used to scrim any role with any team whenever I could just to see the game from every perspective and understand it better. Maybe I got a little burnt out at some point, sure, but I enjoyed it. I don't want to do any of this anymore, and it's this kind of dedication you need to play professionally.



-I see zero opportunities for me at this point in Overwatch financially, regarding OWL/Contenders/whatever Blizzard has planned for the scene. I never got a good chance to really get my name out. The farthest that I got recognized was the upper tier 2/lower tier 1 scene in early 2017. My only major tournament showings, I lost. Then, I got benched from EnVision. Normally, this wouldn't be too bad. I actually had tryout offers with other organizations, but once they learned I was still under contract with a buyout I was ignored. Nobody thought I was worth a buyout. This was also around the time that orgs were dropping their Overwatch teams like crazy due to OWL, which didn't make my life any easier with the increase of free agents and the decrease of paid teams. Anyway, my name didn't get any bigger. And as you may know from OWL, having a name can get you places.



-While I had a taste of being a signed player on EnVision, that didn't last long and I've run out of funds to continue playing full time. I've done everything in my power, down to shamefully moving back in with my parents and asking them for support. I've been scrimming, on average, for 6 hours a day for a year straight now, with very little to show for it. As a 21 year old, I can't bring myself to continue leeching off my parents like this. This isn't the person I want to be.



-My health is deteriorating way too much. I've been dealing with major depression since I was 14, and I could not handle it in university on top of playing Overwatch full time so I dropped out halfway through my degree to do what I wanted. With the stress from university gone and the support I was getting from EnVision it was a little easier to get through the days. Even so, I went outside on average once a week to go shopping. I never exercised. I ate the bare minimum. I could not keep a sleep schedule, sometimes I would sleep too long and sometimes not at all, at varying times. I damaged my relationships with most of my friends, by socially isolating myself, just like I've done all my life. And I thought all this was okay, because on the computer, I was a good Overwatch player. This was in March. It's only gotten worse since then. I don't want to continue living like this. I want to use the time that I've been committing to the game to improve my lifestyle and feel like a human being for once in my life, not a machine that plays video games all day and night.



All in all, the Overwatch community has been really great to me. I've always received a lot of kind words and support from people all around the scene. There was a time in May/June where I was feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life. I signed off of every form of social media I could, I shut off my phone, and I laid in bed for weeks doing nothing but debating with myself whether or not I had a reason to live. I don't think I've been in a darker place. https://twitter.com/Darksma_/status/874330042502983680 - Eventually I convinced myself to try playing again so I turned on my computer/phone, expecting absolutely nothing. I was pretty overwhelmed with the amount of PMs/texts/calls I got from people that had noticed I'd been MIA and were worried about me. It gave me a little bit of motivation. I probably wouldn't have been so persistent about playing professionally if other people didn't believe I would be able to do it, if other people didn't tell me I was more than good enough. Sadly it's come to a point where I feel the need to say the words I told myself over and over and over I would never say:



I give up.



What I do from now on in video games comes down to what kind of opportunities I find. If I like another competitive game maybe I will give that scene a shot in the future. I've always been super competitive, and I've always been at the top of any game I played. Being a gamer feels like it's for me and it's what I want to do. If I like streaming games maybe I will commit to that. We'll see. Games come later, life comes first.



plz enjoy game

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