“Unlike previous debates, where all you needed to make it onstage was a permission slip from your mom, this one had a higher threshold for entry. So only the top 10 candidates made the cut, all right. Eleven if you include Marianne Williamson debating from the dimension of the mind.” — TREVOR NOAH “It was exciting, you know? Watching the candidates tackle these issues is as close as we get to having football on ABC anymore. Reminds me of the old days.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “They hit the candidates with all the tough questions, like, ‘If elected, how do we know you won’t lie about everything all the time and draw on weather maps with a Sharpie?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“There were three women onstage. And of course, if any of these women are elected, it would be historic. And if Bernie or Biden were to win, it would be prehistoric.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “I actually think a woman has a better chance against Trump, especially in a debate. Women are much better at handling babies than men. It’s just a biological fact.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “I don’t know who won the debate, but watching candidates discuss the issues intelligently, using real facts, I’d forgotten what it was like. It was like walking out of North Korea and into a Costco.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Punchiest Punchlines (Biden Time Edition)

“Some of the candidates went after Joe Biden, like he was some kind of deadbeat dad on the Maury Povich show. Julián Castro in particular. It was almost elder abuse. There was one moment when Castro lashed out at Biden for forgetting something — which he didn’t forget, by the way — and Bernie appeared to lean over and help Joe out. It was kind of endearing. It made me hopeful for a reboot of ‘Grumpy Old Men.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL “He mentioned Obama. For those playing at home, time to take a drink.” — STEPHEN COLBERT “When Obama is being praised, Biden jumps into the picture with him. But then when Obama is being criticized, Biden is like, ‘Look, man, I was the vice president. I didn’t do [expletive]. The vice president doesn’t do [expletive]. Yeah, they didn’t even give me keys to the White House. You have to wait for someone to come unlock it for you.’” — TREVOR NOAH “Elizabeth Warren is the candidate most Democrats say they’d like to vote for, but the majority of Democrats think Joe Biden is the guy the country would vote for. But I don’t know. I don’t think it’s a great idea to try to guess what other people want. That’s how you wind up eating at Golden Corral.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Bits Worth Watching

James Corden called out Bill Maher for recent jokes about fat-shaming.