I’d prefer a return to the days of Up with People to Madonna. At least they have comedic value.

For a league that fields the finest sports product known to the face of the Earth, the NFL (if you were expecting me to say anything other than the NFL, please drink bleach until you feel a boo boo in your tummy) sure shits the tub when it comes to selecting Super Bowl halftime entertainment. This year’s choice of that dessicated bruja Madonna continues a baffling trend of boring, geriatric ghouls being picked to entertain the world on America’s biggest stage. Without proper entertainment, halftime has been reduced to a break for men to take a excruciating, constipated, queso-dip-dump while their girlfriends flick their cuteness bean to the Puppy Bowl.

Enough is enough. The Super Bowl deserves entertainment worthy of its greatness. Here are a few ideas I had that would keep our morbidly obese American asses glued to the sofa.

Alternate Musical Acts

Maybe all that’s needed to fix halftime is a small tweak of the artists selected. After all, in recent years, I must admit to thoroughly enjoying the performances of both Bruce Springsteen and Prince. Here are a few other musicians that I believe have enough presence to handle the Super Bowl with ease.

Metallica-They haven’t been relevant since 1994 and Lars Ulrich will someday share a bunk with Hitler in the afterlife, but you’re a goddamn liar if dispute that the opening chords of “Enter Sandman” wouldn’t throw the house into a frenzy.

Garth Brooks-Yes. I like – nay, love – Garth Brooks. (That sound you just heard was every shred of the edgy persona I’ve spent years cultivating being flushed down the toilet.) Say what you will about the man or country music in general, but he knows how to entertain. How else do you explain this video?

Jay-Z and Kanye West-I suppose this wouldn’t play in Middle America, but you know what? Fuck the Heartland. Unless you need an abortion clinic blown up or the appeal of Hee Haw explained, that shithole can contribute nothing to your life.

A Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

I don’t get the appeal of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The women involved are beautiful but not sexy. (The difference between beautiful and sexy is a face you want to take home to mom versus a face you want to spray with more white stuff than a runway that’s about to take a crash landing.)

Still, judging by Twitter traffic, people seem to love the yearly VSFS, so why not hold it during the Super Bowl? Seems like a great piece of synergy, and it’s a more innocent way for Junior to learn about the contours of the female form than the Katie Kox cuckold porn he found on your hard drive.

Animal Combat

It’s time we embrace the fact that America is the Roman Empire with Wi-Fi. And one of the best aspects of Rome was the Colosseum, which spillethed over with rivers of gladiatorial blood. (And affordable booze. You hear that, FedEx Field?) While the government probably wouldn’t permit humans maiming each other in combat (thanks, Obama), animals beating each other to a pulp sounds like it’d be incredibly fascinating, ASPCA be damned. Here are some matches I’ve dreamt up, in no particular order:

-A pack of wolves versus a pride of lions

-A rhino versus an elephant with a machete stapled to its trunk

-A polar bear versus a seal with a bomb inside it

-A tuna-smeared gorilla versus 100 cats

I could keep going (no I couldn’t), but I feel those duels are a good place to start.

Have a Super Bowl halftime show idea of your own? Tell me in the comments. That way the site won’t look like some 1996 Geocities ghost town.

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