BELLEVILLE, IL—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind. “As soon as Mr. Berham’s brain engages with even a simple question or concept, his mouth and forehead immediately begin to contract and relax of their own accord,” Johns Hopkins University’s Dr. Paula Kirchman told reporters, noting that while he is thinking, Berham’s facial expressions have absolutely no relation to his current mind state or to any type of recognizable human emotions. “Sometimes, while he is engaged in the process of conscious thought, a look of either utter disgust or incredible pain will appear on Mr. Berham’s face and stay there for minutes on end, an expression he is completely unaware that he is making. However, just as often, he will spend this entire period of time with his mouth agape, his eyes dead, and his every facial feature drooped, as though he has slipped into an unconscious or prolonged vegetative state.” Dr. Kirchman added that preliminary medical research shows that, while engaged in thought, Berham’s facial structure is externally most akin to that of either a fucking idiot or a big fucking moron.

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