Many people just refuse to accept the facts that surround them, even if we saw 100 more years of it plain and apparent

Climate change is a myth. We all know this, deep down. Some of you reading this may have been taken in by the fear-mongering governments or corrupt scientists so have been brainwashed into thinking climate change is a real thing that “threatens all of humanity” or some other nonsense, but it’s just that: nonsense. When you look closely at it, the so-called evidence for climate change, or “global warming” or “warmageddon” or “planetary death spiral” or whatever they’re calling it these days, it doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

Take changes in sea level. They keep banging on about how the warming of the atmosphere causes rising sea levels, but if that was happening we’d have seen it by now! It’s been countless decades since they first started predicting this, but here we still are! But they persist in trying to convince us it’s a real threat, citing places that were supposedly “lost to the waves” and we’re supposed to believe that places like Atlantis, Miami or Skegness actually existed? You believe that rubbish and you probably believe we landed on Ganymede! And you’re an idiot, so there’s no hope for you.

And where does this rise in sea level supposedly come from – melting glacial ice? Like there was at any point massive blocks of ice just floating around in the ocean? You ever leave an ice cube in your drink last longer than five minutes? It melts, and yet we’re meant to believe these “ice caps” lasted millions of years. They’re not even trying to be convincing any more.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest A “sheet”, of “ice”? What’s next; “garlic bread”? Photograph: HANDOUT/AFP/Getty Images

And don’t get me started on this supposed food crisis. Charging £150 for a single loaf of bread? Are we supposed to believe this is due to widespread agricultural collapse brought about by climate change? Or, as is far more likely, is it a price-fixing conspiracy by the global bakery mega-corporation? When 78% of all food in this country is sold by Greggs, OF COURSE you’re going to see this sort of thing happening. It’s been nearly a century since he took office and I, like many, think Chancellor Farage was a great man, but he dropped the ball on that one.

It’s the same with these hypothetical mass extinctions, as if that’s anything to do with climate change. It’s just opportunistic cherry picking by these cynical and manipulative scientists. Harsh fact is, a lot of species go extinct, but that’s just nature. Dinosaurs went extinct millions of years before we humans ever appeared, are we supposed to take the blame for that too? Doesn’t mean I’m happy that we lost the elephants, tigers, pandas, salamanders, cows and poodles, but I don’t feel guilty about it either.

People tell me cows were once bred domestically. Can you imagine? This was supposedly stopped because they caused significant environmental damage due to methane and deforestation, but we all know it was orchestrated by the synthetic meat companies. They obviously got rid of all cattle to ensure their current global dominance. Just think; if they hadn’t killed all the cows, we’d still be slaughtering them today!

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Cows: on a par with dragons and unicorns. Photograph: JEAN-PIERRE MULLER/AFP/Getty Images

Then there’s this “extreme weather” nonsense. I’ve not noticed any changes in the weather outside of the norm. Clueless clime change believers keep telling me it’s a global change so that doesn’t mean anything, but I LIVE ON THE GLOBE, so I’d notice any changes wouldn’t I? Duh! But there haven’t been any changes, obviously. There are no more storms now than there was when I was a kid. I barely get struck by lightning more than once a month, maybe every three weeks at most, and it’s never done me any harm and I’ll kill anyone who says otherwise!

But it’s with these weather worries that these manipulative scientists really give the game away. Urging us to use more wind power but complaining about all the hurricanes we keep having? They got us all to convert to solar power decades ago but keep whining about prolonged sunny spells? MAKE YOUR MINDS UP!

Some of them even go so far as to say it’s climate change that’s causing forced migration of millions of people. But that’s clearly because everyone has solar cars and jetpacks and matter transporters now, so why would they stay in one place, with or without devastating environmental damage spurring them on.

It’s all a bit convenient, isn’t it, all this palaver over climate change? Weird how 99.9999% of all scientists purportedly agree that it’s definitely happening and our most powerful quantum computers are certain to over a million decimal places that it’s our fault? Weird how they’re saying this now, at exactly the same time when they need all the volunteers they can get for the moon and Mars colonies. What’s more likely; that human industrial activity actually does lead to climate change, or that it’s all a massive meticulous centuries-long ruse to convince people that leaving Earth is a good idea? Obviously, it’s the latter. These scientists have no shame or respect.

I can’t say I’m not tempted to go myself, though. I’d rather live on another planet, than on one where every aspect of your life is subject to rigorous scientific control. Nobody should have to put up with that crap.

Dean Burnett doesn’t actually agree with any of the claims in this piece, but don’t let that stop you commenting or shouting at him on Twitter @garwboy