The “Hi” or “What’s up?” or “Good morning!” message is a much-lamented annoyance of online dating: it might not be a full-sized red flag, but it does suggest that you’re dealing with someone who is water-gunning their dating prospects with the same nothingness, or, who is too insecure or uninspired to write something personal or meaningful.

But the equivalent kind of message in text form, when it’s coming from someone you already like or loveisn’t necessarily less annoying. It might be infuriating.

It’s a hallmark of this generation’s manic-depressive relationship to technology that a “Good morning!” text is, both absolutely fine and instantly resented. When my husband and I aren’t in the same place, we text some equivalent of “Good morning!” for no real reason, and I’ve always wondered why. Like, as a reminder? Do we want the other one to come up with some entertaining anecdote about whatever at five or six a.m.? Can’t we just relax?

I mean, the habit of sending Texts About Nothing, is about the good, kind intentions of a loved one, at least, when you get all the way down to it. Objectively, without the mosquito netting of cynicism that is laid over all of our tech-opinions and tech-experiences in 2019, checking in with the people you love is nice; saying “Hi” or “What’s up?” or “Good morning!” is nice.

But, our phones, like the bodies of people who take care of kids all day, are “touched out,” and our good intentions have to adjust accordingly. The moments when we aren’t already, necessarily “on” should be treasured. Phones are the repository of every non-IRL communication we have in a day — which is so many communications. We’re exhausted, too, by the endless stream of other people’s thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, likes, and bids for attention, but individually we’re exhausted by different things and on different days and in different amounts.

Maybe a quick “Hi!” was a novel and uncomplicated way to communicate in the early text era, when it took three taps of a key to get to a specific letter, and texts were limited to the very necessary. I remember getting occasional, funny texts from a friend of mine in the early 00s and wondering why he’d sent them when I was going to see him later. How little I knew, then, about how flooded my life and phone would be with the entire lives of all of my friends, acquaintances, total strangers. Maybe a quick “Hi!” is still fine, nice, normal, to lots of people.

But, now, most of the time, this kind of text just feels like work. I also consider “How are you?” and “What’s new?” to be Texts About Nothing, because they are not only About Nothing, but also demand a response from me, at least when they arrive alone, without anything else from the sender, and no other specifics about me or my life requested. If, in real life, it is polite to first ask about someone else, and then offer up something about yourself, online it is polite to open with something new, personal, specific, even revealing, before requesting that someone else do the same. You are, after all, the one entering their psychic and digital space unbidden.

A possible solution, because this will continue to happen: last week I replied “Zero” to a good friend who asked what was new, instead of running down whatever life-highlights I had to offer. Felt good!

I already know all about how phones have degraded attention, communication, and relationships themselves. What I don’t know is why we tolerate it, or perpetuate it. If we have enough energy for and interest in other human beings to fling an emoji at them, why not express actual interest in them by trying slightly harder? Like, by sending a real question, a real anything. Send them a link they might like or find useful, or tell them about something you saw or learned that they might be into, or that you’re just thinking about them, and why you’re thinking about them. Why not do this, instead of firing off a Text About Nothing and expecting A Something in return?