Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the gym.

37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”