I didn’t feel anything when I first met him.

With my first boyfriend, falling in love with him was like slipping on a banana peel off of a cliff. Unexpected, spontaneous, fast, painful. That relationship ended almost as fast as it began.

With him though… it was different.

It was as if the ground beneath me were completely solid one second, then it just started to weaken. With every smile and every glance, new cracks would form beneath me. The brittle floor crumbled at the same rate we spent time together; the next thing I know there was no more ground for me to stand on. The cracks became fissures, the fissures became chasms, and soon it was just a pit so large you wonder how you stood on your feet at all. As I fell deeper and deeper, his gaze felt more like it was burrowing its way into my soul. It was like he was leaving these long-lasting wounds on my heart on purpose. But I knew he wasn’t. I did my best to keep him oblivious to the fact that I was plummeting face-first into this seemingly endless abyss.

Over the course of a few months, I managed to maintain a normal friendship with him. I was slowly climbing my way out of the pit I got myself in, hoping to no longer hide my feelings for him. I know he wouldn’t choose me. His popularity gives him so many options that the fact we’re even considered friends is a miracle. I began to see sunlight peeking through the distance, meaning I was almost out, but… one day he just sits across from me, looks at me, and says...

“I'm pickle rick!”

Suddenly, my hands began to slip. Vinegar brine pours down the cliff, causing me to lose my grip and fall once more. Fuck it, I don’t care if I get hurt anymore. I begin to enjoy the rush of this hectic high dive and fall even faster. It's different this time though; instead of falling into a pitch black abyss, I see a light below me. I can’t tell if this ray of hope is getting any closer to me, but it doesn’t matter. Even if I never reach it, chasing the light and chasing him is the thrill that I needed all along.

I just hope that I formed a few cracks beneath him too.