Isaiah Mustafa is busy shooting Tyler Perry movies and maybe-humping on Kathy Griffin, so he just doesn’t have the time in his busy schedule to seduce your senses in Old Spice commercials anymore. So Old Spice made a new spokesman by rubbing together a piece of beige velvet with a drop of musk juice from Isaiah’s glands. The new dude gave it his best shot, but he turned my entire body flaccid when he came out of the jungle with Skeletor legs! The chick in this commercial must have horizon eyes, because how can she not see that from the waist down dude is an extra from The Mummy. BITCH HAS NO DICK!

The message in Old Spice’s commercial is that their scent is so manly that it will make any woman want to rip the wearer’s clothes off (or his skin off, in this case) and allow herself to be taken by him. But how is this supposed to happen if he’s got a mound of bones where his dick is supposed to be? Are you supposed to bump your ‘gina against his pelvic bone? That’s some “osteoporosis via fucking” shit.

With this commercial, Old Spice must be catering to the man-loving necrophiliacs out there. And JLo.

