ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A mildly-unpopular local farm boy has come clean with himself today and revealed he’s actually pretty useless at almost everything.

Max Reardon told our reporter this afternoon that for far too long he’s operated under the well-conceived notion that all men who grew up on a farm are good at things – both practical and cognitive.

He says he’s far from competent at all things farm-related as wells as a number of other things even soft-handed city boys can do with the flick of their limp little wrists.

“I have no sense of direction. I get lost very easy,” he said.

“Ah, I can’t drive a manual. I can’t use power tools or ride a motorbike off-road. Never really had any interest in operating heavy machinery. Things like tractors and what have you,”

“Once my old man asked me to strain up the top barb in the ram paddock. I tried my best but he just laughed at me when I was done, telling me that his grandfather’s cock was stiffer than the wire I just tried to strain up. He’s always been like that with me. Laughing at me and calling me a soft prick. Maybe that’s why I’m bad at everything, I have no confidence.”

The Advocate spoke to Max’s father about his ability to do things. Roger Reardon explained that while his son might be pretty hopeless when it comes to fixing fences and shaking hands while making eye contact, there’s other things he excels at.

“He’s good at his school work. He’s good to his mother. He hates shooting animals,” he said.

“Not much more you could ask for, I guess. I’ve got other sons who can chop trees down and fix broken doors. They’re dumb as a bin full of dog shit, though. They count on their fingers like grown fools,”

“Tell you what, but. They might be dumb but they’re like homing pigeons in the city. You give them a route to follow and they’ll sure as shit get you there. Life is mysterious,”

“But I’m 75 years old this year and I’m rich as all hell so there’s not much I actually care about either.”

More to come.

