#This is a living document and will grow with time and suggestions. It is also a satirical document, if you didn’t already know that.

A

agenda (noun) — a list of items to be discussed, dismissed or ignored at a meeting.

adding value (verb) — see value-add.

B

bandwidth (noun) — a measure of time that no one has defined or possesses but is understood to be unlimited.

baseline (verb) — see re-baseline.

big 3 (coll. noun) — when your degree costs 3x more than at big 4, see MBB.

big 4 (coll. noun) — accounting firms that want to be in the big 3.

C

capacity (noun) — see bandwidth.

client (noun) — the gatekeeper of billable hours, evidence.

client service (verb) —to tell the client what they want to hear.

close the loop (verb) — to pass accountability from one person to another.

coffee (noun) — advisory service fuel.

commitment (noun) — legal binding contract with a more senior team member that guarantees them your bandwidth and first born child.

complete and accurate (adjective) — to establish beyond reasonable doubt that anyone is going to actually look at the documentation you have prepared.

CV (initialism) — A fabricated list of past projects you may have heard of, sometime, during your time at an organisation, naturally making you an expert on anything the client needs.

D

drowning (verb) — to meet expectations. See expectations

deliverable (noun) — an item of intangible value, by-product of unlimited effort.

E

evidence (verb, noun)— v. to attempt to make painfully obvious. n. artifact supporting an attempt to make something painfully obvious.

excel (noun) — accountant crack

expectations (noun) — an imaginary and constantly shifting list of arbitrarily defined requirements

F

flesh out (verb) — to [finish this later]

G

god (noun) — see partner

I

intern (noun) — preparer of documentation and head of coffee procurement

J

jargon (noun) — a word, or group of words, used in conjunction with other words to deliver a message designed to make the speaker sound like an overpriced fool.

L

leverage (verb) — to plagiarize wholesale.

M

meeting (noun) — a geometrically defined region of space-time exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing — including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light — can escape from inside it.

mbb (acronym) — McKinsey & Co., Boston Consulting Group (BCG), and Bain & Co

P

park (verb) — to dismiss a topic or question that you don’t understand.

partner (noun) — weaver of destiny, adder of value.

pbc (acronym) — provided by client, see evidence

(my)plate is full (adjective) — a lack of bandwidth. Also see drowning.

powerpoint (noun) — consultancy heroin.

proposal (noun) — the act of repeatedly refining credentials, CVs, team structures, and fees for no apparent reason other than to look busy.

punt (verb) — to make something not your problem.

project lead (noun) — see god

R

re-baseline (verb) — see baseline

request for quote (noun) — see proposal

requirements (noun) — arbitrary list of deliverables, defined by the project lead or client.

S

stakeholder management strategy (noun) — a list of two people including the CXO and the person paying for the work.

sufficient documentation (noun) — the point at which the quantity written to justify an outcome exceeds the limit at which the reader will attempt to read.

T

take a step back (verb) — to admit to having no idea what you are talking about or what the other person is saying.

touch base (verb) — to need something from someone.

U

utilize (verb) — to leverage

V

value-add (noun) — the tool of choice for extracting money from the client.

vlookup (verb) — to give to the intern to figure out.

W

wordsmith (verb) — to make trivial or generally unnecessary edits to text that may only subtly change the meaning, if at all; incorrectly implies that one is a craftsman on the order of a blacksmith or goldsmith; sadly, wordsmithing rarely involves the deletion of jargon.