It’s nothing to be ashamed about

Except it is. You know it. I know it. Some poor writer was crammed in a windowless room pouring their heart out for hours, maybe days, months even, crafting a monumental diatribe they thought might mean something. Might even change the world. But you didn’t care. You just read the headings. You didn’t even read the previous sentence. Or this one. If a sentence is written in a paragraph, but isn’t read, is it a sentence?

Time is precious

Life is short, time is money, clichés are excruciating. Proper skim readers know there’s more to living that reading the boring bits. They look up to people like Lynn Browder who freely admits she doesn’t read any more. If you want to be a great skim reader, it starts when you stop pretending that you’re actually going to take the time to attempt to digest every single pointless word that the author hasn’t had the gumption to edit out because it happened to be a favourite sentence they just can’t quite let go of.

Geez, what a downer. Life sucks and then you die? Morbid, much. Photo by Jordan Whitfield on Unsplash

Salient points only

Even smart Medium accounts like Aspen Institute gather the five best ideas of the day and chuck them into a bullet point article. Wash their hands of the problem and walk away. Go on. Walk away. It’s the right thing to do. Keep it simple, stupid (KISS). I bet you didn’t skim past that bit. It was bold and in capital letters. A fun trick. Got you!

Human brains are evolving in our digital world

You don’t need to read this paragraph, everything is summarised in the subheading above. Case in point: Thomas Oppong quite rightly illustrates in his article This is Your Brain on Skim Reading, that Michael S. Rosenwald revealed in the Washington Post that we are apparently developing new circuits to skim content, in effect creating digital brains. See, I source real information to support my argument. It’s not just a sad little comedy piece.

Ha! It’s a photo of a dog reading. That’s relevant, right? Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

It’s easier to only read the subheadings

That’s the whole point, right? Nandhini Saravanan gets it. She summarised this entire issue in less than five sentences and FIVE Bullet Points. Point four: “Note the headings, which are the actual content.” Right on! Why are you wasting your time reading this? Go read her article and be done with it. Sheesh.

Occasionally you read a paragraph

If it starts with a unilaterally interesting point, or even a typo — that always grabs attention. Especially if there’s a typo because it allows you to feel superior to the writer. But by the third sentence you’ll be disappointed and continue to skim ahead. The fourth sentence will just sit there, dangling and alone, pondering its uselessness in a world gone mad. There won’t be a filth.

Oh, a quote! You’ll read that.

Sometimes stopping for bullet points

It’s almost like a car accident, we can’t help rubbernecking when we see:

a little black dot

followed by another black dot

because they mean the author has lost patience

everything is being summarised for the lowest common denominator

if they really think you need to read it, they’ll put it in bold. Maybe even italics.

And obviously the pictures count

OMG it’s Spider-Man reading a book! Totes relevant. Now you’re singing the theme song, aren’t you? Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Friendly neighbourhood … hold on … do I have to pay royalties if I keep going? It’s in your head now anyway. Ha! Photo by Road Trip with Raj on Unsplash

I stole this photo idea from Kayla Medica who used it in an actual helpful article on skim reading. Helpful because it’s honest: her article knew my writing sucks and told me so in the lede. A sentient article. We live in the future.

A good writer summarises everything in the headings

Why bother reading the boring bits in-between? What a waste of your life, right? You could be solving the mysteries of the ages: finding the cure for cancer, unravelling the truths of quantum physics, or mastering flossing.

You shouldn’t have to read the waffle

Once upon a time we read to comprehend the important matters that effected our lives. Now we read to look cool. No-one likes to have someone snigger as they peer over your shoulder and see you playing Candy Crush. So you’re here on Medium to create an air of superiority. Kudos to you.

Most of it is filler anyway

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Fusce quis turpis a sem euismod tempor. Donec commodo nec augue sit amet sollicitudin. Mauris ac arcu ut metus iaculis tempus. Suspendisse amet sapien. Mauris ipsum libero, aliquet scelerisque sodales eget, varius in metus. Morbi eu sodales quam, vel pellentesque magna.

This article isn’t relevant for babies. Babies can’t read. These babies from Boston grew up to be psychopathic liars, used car salespeople, and most probably serial killers. You should never trust a baby that pretends to read. Photo taken completely out of context by Boston Public Library on Unsplash

Skim reading saves time

Web designers know it. Heck, even newspaper editors knew people only wanted the main points and naughty bits. Why are you so surprised? You’re not? You probably read Joanna Kramer’s fun article about Web Design in the Age of Skim Reading. It tells you how to lay out your page in the hopes people might read it. It’s got bullet points. It’s got a picture of a cat in it. Cat’s created the internet as part of their plan to rule us all. I’ve got a cat.

You look smarter

By not reading the obviously slapped-together nonsense that flimsily attempted to justify this click-bait hell, you avoid looking stupid. Speaking of stupid and hell, Desmond knew it was his time — Casper lay in a pool of his own blood and Sarah was dangling from the escape stairs, her eyes lifeless as the rain dripped down her pallid face. The creature rose to its full height before him, arm ablaze in hellfire as it slowly began a deep, sadistic chuckle. This life was about to end, but his suffering was just beginning.

By reading it faster

You don’t have to bother about the fact that there are no mentions of the 10 Signs or 15 steps from the heading or description anywhere in this meaningless article. If you did, it would keep you awake at night, and you may end up writing some appalling attempt at humour. Don’t do it. Retain your dignity.

What did I tell you? Cat’s invented the internet to control us! Photo by Neringa Šidlauskaitė on Unsplash

Congratulations

You made it to the end!

To prove to everyone else in the universe you took time to read the whole thing, you should interact: leaving a pearl of wisdom is good. So is sharing with your friends.