In 1979 the LDS Church excommunicated Sonia Johnson for speaking out on feminist issues. Her famous book “From Housewife to Heretic” tells her poignant and powerful story. Her excommunication sent fear through the LDS intellectual community, fostering an atmosphere of distrust in which people hesitated to ask questions or explore doubts.

In the early 1990’s, other housewives became heretics when the Church punished them, and their communities (and sometimes workplaces) shunned them for writing and expressing their feminist beliefs. In 1993 several others were excommunicated and again, waves of fear and pain were sent through the LDS community.

In 2000, another housewife turned heretic when Margaret Toscano was excommunicated for speaking and writing about Heavenly Mother. The community felt fear but continued to write, explore and question.

In 2014 Kate Kelly has been labeled a heretic and is under threat of church discipline. Other housewives and LDS women are under similar threats. The community is sad and there is fear, but Ordain Women has seen an explosion of profiles submitted since Kate’s court was scheduled.

Right now, somewhere in the world, there are little girls and young women who have just finished reading their scriptures. They will close their books and kneel down in prayer and ask God a question that has been weighing on their minds. They will seek and they will knock, establishing a pattern they will cling to all their lives. One day these girls will turn into women and might be baking cupcakes in their kitchen when they realize there is something deeply wrong in their faith. Their heart will break over it. Their neighbors and family will tell them that they are misguided and wicked and that they should shove those thoughts and feelings down. Some of those women will shelve those feelings, but others will not. Mormon feminists will keep coming and coming and marching forward and asking the questions not yet answered.

Every day and every month and every year more housewives will become heretics.

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Last week I was at the grocery store with my 8-year old son. The store wasn’t very busy, and as we walked through the canned foods aisle, I saw my son’s best friend Clayton [name changed] and his family walk down the aisle toward us. We were the only people in the aisle and I raised my hand and waved, “Hi!” Clayton kept his head down and so did his brother. His mother had a stone-cold glare that focused on the wall just past me and they walked briskly by us without a word.

I looked down at my own son and his head was bent in shame. This was the third similar interaction I had had with this woman since April. Before then, our sons had had playdates every single Wednesday since they had been in kindergarten. This woman had once claimed to love my son almost as much as her own. And then without an explanation, it was gone.

I noticed the day my son was supposed to go their house because it was Clayton’s Wednesday and they never came. No phone call, no text. Just hours with no word. When I reached out I was ignored, until after considerable pestering and multiple phone calls, Clayton’s mom finally picked up the phone and said, “Oh, there’s not a problem. We’ve just been busy.”

The shame on my son’s face that day hurt my heart deeply. When we got into the car he said, looking out the window, “Clayton’s mom says that you do bad things.”

This was a painful confirmation of what I had expected. Whether the woman figured out I blog, podcast or support OW, I guess I won’t know. I only have my son’s account to go on–a woman telling a third grader that his mom does “bad things.” A woman teaching her children to shun other children. A woman who claimed to be our friend through thick and thin, but without explanation cut us off with the cold silence. This, I assume, was done in the name of “right” and “standing up for what you believe in.” The pain over this small issue is great, especially for my son who has no control over what his parents do.

The thought crossed my mind for a moment that I should apologize to him on our car ride home–“I’m sorry your mom makes choices other people don’t agree with.”–or something along those lines. But that apology would only highlight my pain and put the burden of shame on my head for speaking my truth. Instead I said, “I’m sorry you had to see Clayton’s family act like cowards. Cowards are people afraid to look in the eye those they have decided they disagree with and those they have decided to punish. Clayton’s mom is afraid to stand up for what is right and has taught her children to be afraid too. They are now afraid to be your friend even if they disagree with your mom. That is a shame and it isn’t your fault.”

I am not under threat of discipline from my local leadership. I think this is in large part because I no longer claim to be an active member. It’s not that I have left the church or that I have stopped believing, it’s just that the reaction to my doubts from my neighbors and family has been so harsh, so unbelievably difficult, that going back seems painful and impossible. Repentance might be possible with God, but it’s a little more tricky with your neighbors.

I have written angry words. I have asked questions and explored answers. I’ve gotten things right and things wrong. I am only guilty of using my voice and voices are human and they are never perfect. The community rejection has been painful and very disappointing from the brothers and sisters with whom I used to worship. I can only imagine what a church proceeding on top of this rejection would feel like. In spite of everything, I am lucky. I am also not alone. Many Mormon Feminists and others with doubts have very similar experiences.

Just a few years ago our family fit in perfectly. Parents weren’t afraid to let their kids play with mine. People trusted me with their children and the members of our community were our friends. People didn’t ignore us, whisper about us or label my children. I was a nice housewife in Tooele County with a nice home and (usually) clean and happy children. These days, they view me as a traitor, a sinner, someone deceived by Satan. Now I too am a heretic.

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There is a sickness within our community. One that heralds truth and yet fears the exploration of it. A community that believes distancing ourselves from our loved ones who ask these question, is the right thing to do. A sickness of secrets- making doubt and diversity fester in darkness, silence and isolation. One where asking certain questions is punishable by the priesthood.

The church has an opportunity to heal this sickness or to compound it. If they excommunicate Kate Kelly, they will be sending a message to her and others like her that Mormon Feminists should be shamed into silence. They will send the clear message that only some questions are safe and others are dangerous and that the askers can be labeled accordingly. They will send the message to my neighbors that their actions against my family and my little, innocent son are validated. They will be saying that seeking and asking is only okay if you ask the questions that have already been answered.

Many people will believe them.

Many will not.

We were taught to knock, seek and ask before many of us could speak. We will continue to do so as long as we have a voice to use. Mormon Feminists will be borne through the system because the problem isn’t us or our spirits or our interpretations. The problem is a deeply rooted reality of inequality within the structural church we were taught to love since birth. And until that problem goes away, Mormon feminists will not go away either.

As long as the spiritual script in our church prescribes that answered questions are the only questions that get to be asked, there will always be more and more housewives turned into heretics.