Nobody impersonated me when I was a child. Where I came from, everybody talked just like me.

I'm cockney, which is a certain type of working-class London. We are all funny—all of us. I've never met a cockney who wasn't funny. We do not have a miserable side. But we do have a ferocious side. Someone once asked, "Do cockneys commit suicide?" I said, "No. If they get pissed off, they murder people."

Yes, there is a best lesson my mother taught me! There is! It was during the Second World War. I was six and my brother was three. When my father left to join the fight, my mother was crying, and then she pulled herself together and turned to the two of us and instead of saying, "Oh, I've got to look after the two of you, and I'm on my own," she said, "Your father's gone. Now you two have got to look after me." And we went, "Right, Mum. Don't worry. We'll do that. We'll take care of you. It's okay." And she made men of us with one sentence.

Actors, what do we do? We study behavior. I never went to drama school. I learned my acting on the subway, watching how people moved and what they did.

If I stole anything, it was from Marlon Brando, but I don't remember what it was.

The greatest compliment I ever received came while I was working with Sir Laurence Olivier. Lord Olivier. We were making a film called Sleuth, and I did a scene with him. When it finished, he looked at me and said, "I thought I had an assistant. I see I have a partner."

In the restaurant, my wife always says, "You didn't look at the bill." I say, "I don't want to worry myself by looking at the bill and asking, Who had the onion rings? or They overcharged me for chips." Because those moments all add up to years. And how much money would you pay for another year?

Poverty taught me not to worry about money.

I had come to Hollywood to star in a picture called Gambit. I used to sit in the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel and look out for film stars. One day, John Wayne came in, saw me, and said: "Are you in that movie called Alfie?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "I just saw that. It's very good, son." And we became friends. He gave me some advice. He said, "Never wear suede shoes." I asked why and he said, "Because you'll be taking a piss in a men's room and there'll be a guy next to you, and all of a sudden the guy will recognize you and he'll turn and go, 'Michael Caine!' And he'll piss all over your shoes!" I never wore suede shoes again.

I see a frog and think it's not really worth killing their whole body for just those little legs.

In real estate they say: Location, location, location. But the next time you buy a house, remember the f word: finite. You must buy property that is finite. The last house on a very good block. The last house on the seaside—where there's no more to sell. They mustn't be able to build anything else. It's not good buying in Las Vegas, where there's seventy-eight thousand square miles of desert, you know?

Never wear anything to make people look at you.

One rule of parenting? Forgive everything.

You know who saved my life? Tony Curtis. I was at a party. This was when Tony Curtis was very famous. I knew who he was but had never met him. I was speaking to someone by a fireplace and took the end of the cigarette that was in my mouth, lit another cigarette with it, and went on talking and smoking. Then I felt a hand come around behind me and go into my pocket. Tony Curtis took the cigarettes out and threw them in the fire. He said, "You don't know me, but I've been watching you. That is, what, the fifth cigarette you've lit in less than an hour?" He said, "You're gonna die. I've just saved your life for you." He was right. You can't smoke cigarettes like that and live. And I stopped.

I have no sense of competition with other actors. I love to see great performances. The only sense of competition I have is with myself… . This time, you've got to do something absolutely different from what you've ever done before. On occasions, I've succeeded. That's how I've kept my career going.

Fatigue doesn't happen until you suddenly go, "I'm bored."

There's so much medicine. So many advances … My friend Quincy Jones always says to me, "If you live another five years, they'll discover so many things you'll live another five."

Yes, your fears do diminish with age—'cause your memory goes and you forget what you're afraid of!

You couldn't tell if I was lying. But I could tell if you were.

Interviewed by Cal Fussman, August 4, 2014

Published in the December 2014 issue

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