De Blasio Announces System For Reporting Social Distancing Violations: Knowledgeable Actors Reporting Edict Noncompliance (KAREN)

NEW YORK, NY—At a press conference this morning, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled a new way that individual citizens can help enforce social distancing.

“It is up to every citizen to watch and monitor everyone else and report to the police anything they don’t like,” de Blasio said. “That’s why we have created a new enforcement program: Knowledgeable Actors Reporting Edict Noncompliance, or KAREN for short.”

With the new program, de Blasio is asking everyone to become a KAREN and use a special hotline to report anyone they see who isn’t following social distancing guidelines straight to the police.

“It doesn’t matter if it looks like people aren’t hurting anyone,” de Blasio said. “If you see anyone not doing exactly what our social distancing guidelines say, be a true KAREN and report them to the police right away. And if you think any business is behaving improperly, I want you to be a KAREN and march right in there and ask to speak to a manager.”

“I want everyone to know,” de Blasio added, “that KARENs are out there and they are not minding their own business.”

To further entice people to be KARENs, de Blasio also announced a rewards program for reporting on fellow citizens: Special Tokens for Individuals Taking Care to Hassle Every Suspect (STITCHES).

“Remember,” de Blasio said, “snitches get STITCHES.”

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee