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haha - this seems like a joke, but your questions and answers seem all over the board, so here goes

Yes, you should get a tetanus shot. Drs have seen everything so just tell him (or her). If you don't want your regular dr to know, then go to the ER or an urgent care center. Just tell the receptionist you cut your foot on something, then you can tell the dr (if the nurse wants to know, just say 'This is really personal. Could I just talk to the dr about it?')

I know how it is when you get really horny and you're not really thinking with your brain, so I sympathize. But regarding the bed, that's stupid. Surely you knew a mattress has coils in it?

If you want to do something like that, lay on your couch and put it in the space between the cushions, or pile up a bunch of pillows and put it between them. Get a large grapefruit or melon and cut a hole in it. Use a toilet paper or paper towel tube with lubrication. But don't use something with metal in it!