NEW YORK—Confirming reports circulating in the media, members of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign officially revealed Friday they have selected Indiana governor Mike Pence as a concrete reminder that this—all of this—is actually, legitimately happening. “I am honored to announce that Gov. Mike Pence will be joining the campaign [as a material indication that everything you’ve seen and heard is indeed reality],” said Paul Manafort, the chairman of the Trump campaign, declaring that the governor would bring to the Republican ticket a proven conservative record and a stark physical embodiment of the realization that the past year has not just been some crazy dream, but rather a series of actual events that is building to an honest-to-God electoral vote come November. “Gov. Pence has served his state as a strong and principled leader, and he is determined to serve his country as [a glaring signal that, at this point, it is much too late to turn back the clock or undo what has been begun, and that the only thing that can be done is recognize just how very, very real this all, in fact, is]. We’re happy to have him aboard.” At press time, Pence had taken the stage to deliver the emphatic message that he, Trump, the stage they were standing on, the banner behind them, and the large crowd cheering their names were 100 percent genuine, existent entities and not simply figments of the nation’s fevered imagination.

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