‘We are proposing Tamil Nadu should become separate country. What do you think?’

Respected Sir/Madam,

Between ages of 0 and 5 you run behind your children. Between ages of 5 and 12 your children will run towards you. After age of 12 it is better if you run away from your children.

That only happened this morning.

I was resting on my bed reading East of Desolation, superhit action novel by Jack Higgins. If Alistair Maclean is Mohanlal then Jack Higgins is Mammootty. Then you will ask who is Frederick Forsyth? Maybe Prem Nazir. Then what about Robert Ludlum? I don’t care, this is IIT exam or what. So many questions.

So I was reading my novel when my son entered the room like knife entered back of Caesar and said: “Appa, have you heard the news Apple has launched new iPad.”

I said, oh my god tell me every single detail, don’t miss even one thing, iPad is my favourite, I will just come back from toilet. And then I went out of the room, and out of the house and went walking to Ganga Sweets. I thought I will relax with some ras malai and enjoy my novel.

Mannangkatti only relaxation. As soon as I entered the shop I saw sitting at the table four gentlemen from Seniors Intermediate Pranayama class that is taking place in our housing colony every Thursday morning. Sir/ Madam, you please note this down and circulate in your office: People who are best in yoga class are worst outside yoga class. Inside the class and all full peace and harmony in the cosmos let your energy flow like water in Mettupalayam Black Thunder. Outside the class, same fellow will fight with auto driver, give 50 naya paisa tip to waiter and steal karuveppilai from your plant as if you have not been hiding behind the balcony curtain whole day investigating mysterious case of missing karuveppilai.

As soon as I entered through the door they saw me. Immediately I tried to walk backwards while looking forward like Michael Jackson. But at that moment Dr. Shankaramenon said: “Hello Mathrubootham, welcome welcome. Come join us we are discussing some important issues.”

Sir/ Madam, thanks to Guruvayoorappa, my health is good. Eyes are ok. Blood pressure is fine. Ears are functioning normally. But sometimes I become very jealous of people who are wearing hearing aid. They can just do whatever they want and then say, “Oh my god, sincere apologies, I thought this is the queue, my hearing aid is not working.”

No such facilities for Mr. Mathrubootham. So I had to go and join these fellows. Immediately Mr. Usman (retired Tamil Nadu police) said, “Mr. Mathrubootham, do you agree with us or no? Why should Tamil Nadu suffer because of stupid North Indian states?”

What you are talking, Usman sir, I said. Suffer means what? He said suffer means we pay all taxes and they are just enjoying with free loan and free subsidy and all in north. Enough means enough. We are proposing Tamil Nadu should become separate country. What do you think?

I was thinking muttaal fellow you are eating ras malai like elephant is eating jackfruit and you are saying North India is useless? But I didn’t say anything. Have you seen Mr. Usman? It is like someone has put shirt on Godrej almirah.

“Come on Mr. Mathrubootham please participate,” Dr. Shankaramenon said.

I said, what you fellows are talking. What will happen then? Have you thought about it? Imagine you will make one new country called Tamil Nadu? Fine. Then? After 50 years Chennai fellows will say why we have to pay all taxes when people in Tirunelveli district are just doing dappankutthu instead of GDP? Enough is enough. Chennai will become separate country. And then after 50 years, people on Mount Road will say, country and all ok, but whether any GDP is coming from Chromepet? Enough is enough. And like that like that whole country will fall apart. Country means we must adjust no?

For two minutes there was silence and I ate ras malai quietly. And then Dr. Shankaramenon said, is there any economic activities happening in Tirunelveli or people are just enjoying?

I sat quietly and did solo pranayama.

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham