Bonus Episode 15

February 1, 2016, Maddox

Floss 363 Right on Red 610 Springs 111 Television 358

What is a spring? Is it just a wound piece of metal? If you think that, you are as stupid as me and Sean.

Never in the history of Earth has the subject of springs provoked such an existential quagmire, but thanks to Maddox and his asshole friend Coily the Spring Sprite, the debate of "what is a spring" is blown wide open like a bag of sand on prom night.

Here is Coily and some recently enlightened dipshit to help you learn about springs.

I bring in Television, a solution that everyone uses for five hours every day to loosen up their springs after a hard day's spring. Before you vote it down, realize that you're doing so on an interactive television powered by a telecom network designed mostly to bring you more television. Or as Maddox would say, a telecom infrastructure built of floppy, unwound springs.

Maddox then brings in a subset of springs: Floss. Personally, I think floss is a scam and that bad breath can be cured with whiskey or by brushing your teeth a little better, but if wiggling little bits of minty string around in your mouth gets your rocks off, go nuts. I've heard of weirder fetishes.

I end the episode on something that is objectively not a scam: Right on Red. Imagine a world where you couldn't spring a right at a red light. According to my research, that world is called Uruguay. Get your springs together Uruguay. The world is laughing at you.

Hear all of this and more on this month's bonus episode!

Sources: Cisco - In 2019, 80% of Internet traffic will be video. Bustle - TV is good for you. NY Daily News - 5 hours of TV a day. Physics.info - The Physics Hypertextbook and the property of elasticity that springs possess Oral-B - Shocker: Oral-B, maker of floss, has a pro-floss article on their website. Too bad they didn't hire me to write it

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