This chapter just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Or longer. Maybe the word I’m looking for is longer. Anyway, I was kinda dillydallying if I should post it as its own thing, but it IS part of the hamster!Bilbo/cat!Thorin universe, so I stuck it here with the rest. I have a feeling there will be crossovers sooner or later, so I might as well keep it as one story.

Chapter Text

“Whoever thought that guinea pigs looked anything like pigs must have been very blind,” Fíli said as he watched Gimli run around in his cage.



“Well it’s not like a pineapple looks like an apple either,” Kíli said. He looked down at the guinea pig and tilted his head. “Do you think he’s supposed to do that?”



“Run?”



“Yeah?”



Fíli shrugged. “Probably. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about guinea pigs.”



“How long did you say you were taking care of him again?”



“Your trust in me is overwhelming, brother,” Fíli said drily.



“You are taking care of someone’s pet to try and score a date,” Kíli grinned. “If that is not worthy of mocking then I do not know what is.”



“And how long have you been trying to ask Ori out on a date, oh wise and daring one?”



“That’s different,” Kíli scowled. “You’re not friends with Bofur.”



Fíli pressed his hand over his heart. “You wound me most gravely.”



“You know what I mean, you ass,” Kíli huffed. “You’ve not known each other for years like I’ve Ori. He’s just someone you work with and think is hot. ”



“I’m not the ass, you're the ass!” Fíli replied, very maturely, and jostled Kíli with his shoulder. Before it could turn into a scuffle, the only sane person living in their flat (or so she claimed) put a stop to it.

“Will you two shut up?” Tauriel called from her room. “Some of us have actually got brains and are trying to study.”

Legolas shrieked in what sounded like agreement. But what the cockatiel studied neither Kíli nor Fíli knew. Except for all the ways to poop in someone’s hair. They both figured the bird had to be at least a professor in that field.

Gimli stopped running and froze for a brief moment, then his teeth started chattering.



“Is he cold?” Kíli asked. “How can he be cold with all that fur? He’s even fluffier than Bilbo. And bigger." Kíli frowned. "Is that relevant?”



“I think he’s upset,” Fíli said. “Looks like he doesn't like Legolas.”

“It is a sign from above!” Kíli exclaimed, throwing up his hands. “You and Bofur are clearly meant to be.”

“That did not even make sense.” Fíli glowered. “And if you’re going to keep that up, talking about Bofur I mean, because I already know that you never make sense, I'm going to send Ori that photo of you with Kíli the second on your head.”

“It wasn't like he was going to fall down,” Kíli objected. “He had fun. And I would have caught him, if he had fallen. Which he didn’t. Because all who are named Kíli are awesome by nature.” There was a brief pause. “Please don't send the photo. Ori would never forgive me. And Thorin would likely eat me if he found out. I'll tell Bofur how good you are with Gimli?”

“Just,” Fíli sighed. “Don't tell him anything. Okay?”

“What, I could so be your wingman,” Kíli sulked.

“No. Trust me. You can't. Tauriel on the other hand. At least she’s got enough birds.”

“Why are you talking about me!?” Tauriel shouted. “Why are you still talking so loudly?”

“We are only saying nice things!” Fíli called back.



There was the sound of a door slamming shut.



Fíli and Kíli looked at each other and shrugged. “Finals,” they chorused.



“That’s the nice part of working, except getting paid,” Kíli said. “No one suddenly going to give you a pop-quiz. Or ask you why the Austro-Hungarian Empire dissolved.”



“Kíli, no one ever asked you that, you didn’t even study history.”



“Exactly, if I had studied history then I would have known! Now I just have this suspicion that I should know. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge and all that.” Kíli looked thoughtful. “Wanna go and get a drink? I’ll let you cry on my shoulder?”

“Thirsty business talking about history?” Fíli raised an eyebrow. “I'm not supposed to leave him alone,” he added nodding down at Gimli who had gone back to running around in his cage.

“Well, apparently Bofur does like you,” Kíli mused. “Pretty awesome trick. Making you sit at home the entire weekend when he's out of town and not around to keep an eye on you.”



“Oh fuck off,” Fíli scowled, then he thought about what Kíli had said. “Do you really think he likes me?”



“Pathetic.” Kíli shook his head.



“Pictures of you and a hamster. Cathamster. On your head,” Fíli threatened.

“See, I clearly owe you a drink.” Kíli walked over to Tauriel’s room and knocked on the door. “Tauriel, will you watch Gimli the amazing guinea pig?”

“Will you two shut up if I do?” came the muffled reply through the wood.



“We will leave and not come back for a good few hours if you do.”



The door suddenly opened. “Deal,” Tauriel said, brushing her red hair back from her face. “Hand over the piggy and scram.”

-

“Hello, bird Legolas,” Gimli said, looking up at the white and grey bird sitting on the human girl’s shoulder.



Well, not completely white and grey, the feather’s on his head was a fairly bright yellow and he had some bright orange spots on his cheeks. He looked… Gimli couldn’t quite put a word to it, but he figured he thought the bird looked strange, possibly stupid. He didn’t look like anyone Gimli had ever seen before, no doubt about it. About as far from a guinea pig you could come.

The bird didn’t answer. “Can't you speak? Some bird you make,” the guinea pig huffed.

“I can't believe you are as noisy as Kíli,” Tauriel murmured to him. “You sound like an old Space Invaders game.”



“I do not know what that is, fair lady,” Gimli told her, but the human just sighed, clearly not understanding.



Shame, so few humans could. Bofur managed better than most, but even with him Gimli had some issues communicating every now and again. He was still working on how to tell him that he wanted to try that ‘beer’ beverage the human drank from time to time. It smelled intriguing.



“Well, you’re really cute at least,” the girl said as she turned her head back to her papers. “And you won’t talk to me about boys. It’s like they’re still in kindergarten,” she muttered. “How hard is it to just ask someone out? It’s not like they ever shut up, so it can’t be that hard.”

Gimli might have preened a little at the compliment, (ignoring the rest, because he rather liked the two young males, Fíli especially as he had visited Bofur several times) and from across the room came a soft cooing laugh.



Hopping around to look at the laugher Gimli was expecting another bird, and he was not mistaken, but he had not expected the vision of beauty that he laid eyes on.



She was a white dove, but the light coming from Tauriel’s desk lamp gave her feathers a golden edge. She was pereched on top of a large silvery cage standing in the opposite corner of the room from where Gimli’s cage had been place on the girl’s desk.



“Who is this paragon of loveliness whom I look upon?” Gimli asked, trying to be as courteous as he could, simply because the situation clearly demanded it.



The white dove laughed again, and it was just as pretty the second time. “My name is Galadriel. And what be your name?”



“I am Gimli, my Lady,” Gimli replied.

“Great, now everyone is making noise,” Tauriel muttered when Legolas did the bird equivalent of snorting rudely. “Well, except you Celeborn,” she added, looking at a white and silver-grey dove Gimli just noticed sitting inside the cage.

He was just as beautiful as Galadriel, and having complimented the Lady, Gimli felt no reason why not to do the same for what had to be her husband. He wasn’t close enough to smell them, but they very much looked like they belonged together.



For some reason the smallest bird looked surprised when Gimli expressed his admiration for the silvery shine of Celeborn’s feathers. Maybe he was upset that Gimli hadn’t paid him any attention beyond that first greeting? Well, too bad. If he hadn’t been so rude and actually replied to the greeting then maybe Gimli would have.



Or was it that the bird had trouble seeing when someone was beautiful and that was why he was surprised? Did birds have bad eyesight? Did birds not admire other birds? Gimli didn’t really know. But you’d have to be fairly blind not to see the beauty of the two doves.



Maybe… maybe he was a bit slow. The screech he had let out earlier had been very annoying, very annoying indeed, and he had done it again as Tauriel had brought Gimli's cage inside the room, but maybe he didn’t know better.



Poor little fellow.

-



Legolas didn’t much like this… this guinea pig. He was loud and rude, and, and strange. And short. Legolas wasn’t a very tall bird, but if he and that guinea pig would both stand at the table, Legolas thought that he would at least be a head taller.

The cockatiel had met guinea pigs before, back in the Pet Store. He hadn't liked them. They were selfish and rude and smelled funny. As such he was both surprised and very much not surprised when Gimli started out by blatantly ogling Galadriel. Oh, the white dove was lovely, but it surprised him that the guinea pig noticed. Though it was not surprising that he was crude enough to be so obvious about his gawking even with Celeborn right there. Typical guinea pigs, or so Legolas supposed.



But then the furry little thing did the same for Celeborn and some of that not-surprise turned into surprise as well.

Perhaps the guinea pig was genuine in his compliments, because he couldn’t think that Galadriel and Celeborn both would fall for insincere flattery. They were a bonded pair, and no guinea pig could come between that. Not even if his fur was a rather nice -



If birds could have scowled, that would have been what Legolas would have done.



The guinea pig’s fur did not look nice. Not at all.



-



“Hey lad,” Gimli said after a period of silence except for soft cooing from the two doves and the rasp of the human girl’s pen against paper. “I did not mean to offend you before. Could we start again?”



The bird called Legolas did not reply and Gimli looked at him in concern. He turned to Galadriel.



“Is he- does he understand what I'm saying?”



“Oh, he does,” she replied as Legolas turned his head to face away from Gimli.



Gimli lowered his voice. “Is the lad a tad slow then?”



“I beg your pardon?” Legolas said, his feathers ruffled; both literal and figurative.



“You speak!” Gimli declared happily.



“Not to you,” Legolas said pointedly and Galadriel clucked disapprovingly. Legolas ignored her which made Gimli frown. Such rudeness, and towards someone who had done nothing to deserve it.



“Fair enough,” Gimli said slowly. “But I will not apologize for my comment about the speed of your mind, because it seems to me it might be true.”

Legolas whistled sharply, and flew over to sit on the desk, closer to Gimli’s cage. It caused Tauriel to look up from her books. “Guys, keep it down. If I flunk out of Uni I won’t be able to keep you in the style you have grown accustomed to.”



“It would not be the first time someone has insulted me,” Legolas said stiffly. “Not even for one of your kind. So do not think yourself original. And,” he added with a look in Galadriel’s direction. “If I were to call certain birds out for failing to mind their own business, that would not be the first time either.”



“You should not speak like that to the Lady,” Gimli said disapprovingly. “Dislike me if you wish, but do not take it out on others.”



“Why do you presume that you can tell me what to do?” The bird glared down at Gimli. “Especially after insulting me.”



“That started out as mistake,” Gimli said, feeling annoyance beginning to build up. “But I wonder what reasons you had to not respond to my greeting? Perhaps there is a reason why others have said similar things as I did to you.”



The bird did not reply and instead flew over to perch on the top of a bookcase. Well, that suited Gimli just fine.



He hoped it was dusty up there.



-



The ball of fur at been staring at him for close to an hour now. Legolas was getting mighty sick of it.



“Will you stop that,” he finally commanded, but the guinea pig just ignored him. “Stop staring at me, guinea pig.” Nothing. From Galadriel’s and Celeborn’s corner came an amused coo. The feathers on Legolas’ head rose straight up in annoyance. “I demand that you will stop that right now!”



“Gimli,” Galadriel called softly, and the guinea pig stirred. With a yawn the furry thing stretched out its back legs.



“Yes, my Lady? I think I fell asleep there for a while. I hope you didn’t call for me long, my eyes may be open but that’s just how I sleep when I-“ the guinea pig paused. “Never mind that, did you wish for something?”



Legolas was not pleased. Somehow not being ignored was even worse.



-



He was possibly even less content when Tauriel opened the door to Gimli’s cage and let him out into the room.



“Please,” Tauriel scoffed when Legolas flew over to pick at her hair as a show of disapproval and told her that she was making a mistake. “You're all social animals. Socialise.”



“She understands you?” Gimli asked as he trotted out of the cage and onto the desk, seemingly ignoring that what she’d understood was Legolas disinterest in having him run loose. The guinea pig yelped a little in surprise when Tauriel suddenly deposited him on the floor.



“Sorry,” she said apologetically, softly stroking his fur. “I didn’t mean to scare you. But I don’t want you falling off the desk either.”



“It’s all right,” Gimli said, buffing Tauriel’s hand with his head. “But a little warning next time, lady.”



“You are a cute one,” she smiled. “Maybe you can come back sometime when my professors aren’t looking to suffocate us in work.”



Legolas was definitely not pleased. And when Fíli and Kíli got home it was a relief to see the blond boy carry Gimli out of the room.



It really was.



-



“Tauriel,” Fíli said later that evening when Tauriel was brushing her hair in the bathroom. “Did something happen when Kíli and I went out for drinks? With Gimli I mean.”



“You mean apart from the alien abduction?” Tauriel asked sarcastically. “Of course not, or I would have told you.”



“He seems, a little down, that’s all. Maybe he just misses Bofur.” Fíli’s eyes turned a bit dreamy, or maybe that was just the remaining alcohol in his system. “I can’t say that I blame him.”



“Fíli, just ask him out,” Tauriel sighed as she quickly plaited her hair.



“Easy for you to say,” Fíli muttered. “Like anyone would turn you down.”



“Yes, you are the ugliest duckling in the pond.” Tauriel rolled her eyes. “People just hate blond hair, blue eyes and muscles. Terrible. Just terrible.”



“We all know I’m the pretty one,” Kíli said, popping his head inside the bathroom. “Are we having a bathroom party?”



-



The next day passed mostly without disturbances. Mostly. Fíli and Kíli did rather guarantee that things would not get too boring, that Gimli quickly figured out.



It took hiding beneath a bed before they got it into their thick heads that he didn’t want them to put glitter on him. The braids had been rather nice, like being petted and groomed at the same time, but the line had to be drawn somewhere.



“Fine,” Kíli said, lying on the floor and looking beneath the bed. “But you’d look awesome if you were sparkly, just saying.”



“I’m getting more and more convinced that you are really kindergartners,” Tauriel said as she walked by in the hallway. Legolas had been resting on her shoulder, Gimli had heard him whistle. It probably wasn’t something very nice.



It could be that the lad was just lonely. Gimli had Bofur, and currently more of Fíli’s and Kíli’s attention than he wanted, but perhaps the two doves were a little too involved with each other to talk to Legolas when his human was busy. And she seemed to be busy a lot.



Gimli shook his head. He should stop making up excuses for that feathery creature.



Another human also stopped by later that day, Ori, they called him. He seemed nice. Even if he smelled like cat.



All the humans were nice. And Galadriel and Celeborn were also nice. If Bofur had to leave then Gimli didn’t mind staying here. Even with Legolas hovering (sometimes literally) in the background like a little white grumpy cloud.

He missed Bofur though.

-



Gimli had just been on the verge of falling asleep on the hallway rug; the lady Galadriel’s cooing was a very soothing background noise, as was her husband’s - when he heard the rapid flutter of wings and then something touched the fur on his back. He turned his head only to see a white blur of feathers fly away. The bird did not reply when Gimli called after him.



Well then.



Gimli got to his feet and trotted after the bird into Tauriel’s room. At first he couldn’t see Legolas; when he looked at Galadriel she nodded towards the window and for a second the guinea pig thought that the cockatiel might have gotten outside. That wasn’t good.



The outside was nice and all, with grass and many interesting things, but there were also beings like the Lawnmower and the Sprinkler, hideous beast that they were. It was not a place for someone like Legolas.



Then he saw yellow feathers sticking up from behind the top of the curtain.

“Did you just touch my fur?” Gimli called up at the bird, and Legolas looked embarrassed. Gimli didn't know how he knew, because how could a bunch of yellow feathers look embarrassed? But they did.



There was no reply, and Gimli was getting very tired of talking to a wall when he was trying to talk to a bird. “If you thought yourself a bird of prey and able to snatch me up I’m going to have to reconsider your state of mind once again.”

A little white head came into view, almost invisible against the white ceiling if it hadn’t been for the yellow feathers and the bright orange spots on the bird’s cheeks. Those spots… was it Gimli’s imagination or did they seem redder than before? No, it had to be a trick of the light.



“Your fur, it is much the same colour as Tauriel’s hair,” Legolas said slowly. “I was- I made a mistake.”



That was a very weak excuse, there was no way that the bird could have gotten him confused with Tauriel, unless the girl often shrunk herself and curled up in the hallway; something Gimli thought very unlikely. Or did he mean that the human usually left huge, guinea pig sized tufts of her hair around for Legolas to grab? No, there had to be another reason. Perhaps he had thought to hurt him, but either changed his mind or chickened (no pun intended) out.



Gimli peered suspiciously up at the cockatiel who again ducked behind the curtain.



“Gimli?” Fíli called. “Where are you? I’ve got your food.”



The guinea pig’s ears perked up. Food. That was good news. Throwing one last glance up at the again mostly hidden bird Gimli scampered back out in the hallway.

-



He had been very soft. Even softer than Tauriel’s hair.





“I know what you are doing,” Galadriel said softly.



“I’d appreciate it if you minded your own business,” Legolas muttered. “But I won’t hold my breath.”



Celeborn looked reproachfully at him and Legolas flicked his tail feathers in annoyance.



“Are you guys going to start moulting?” Tauriel asked. “You seem very bad tempered, the bunch of you, and you usually are when you’re going to be less pretty for a while.”



All three birds haughtily turned their heads away. Perhaps they were about to start moulting, but it was very rude of her to point it out.



-



Why was Gimli still thinking about how it had felt to have small claws rake through his fur? It wasn’t like the bird could harm him, so why couldn’t he keep his mind from returning to that moment?



-

“Fíli, it’s your turn to cook!” Tauriel called.



“Yeah! Stop mooning about Bofur and get to the kitchen,” Kíli shouted. “I’m hungry.”



“Then bloody well make dinner then,” Fili called back from his room. “I just need to finish this email to Bo- someone.”

“Are you asking him out?” Tauriel questioned. “Because if you’re not I’d rather have food.”



“None of you will starve to death in ten minutes!”



“Ten-.? Are you writing him a novel?” Kíli called.



The door to Fíli’s room slammed shut.



“Fucking kindergartener,” Tauriel murmured.



“That’s illegal,” Kíli said brightly.



“So is murder,” Tauriel said meaningfully.

-



Gimli curled up in one corner of his cage and sighed. He jumped a little when someone landed on the roof. Not even seeing that it was Galadriel cheered him up.

“Gimli, you should not be sad,” the white bird said.



“I’m not sad,” the guinea pig protested. “I’m just, just…”



“Sad,” Celeborn said as he too landed on the cage.



“You should not let Legolas’ trouble you,” Galadriel cooed gently. “He is young still, he does not always think before acting.”



Gimli frowned up at the white dove. “You should not speak about him like that, my Lady. He was your friend before I was, so you need to remain true to him.”



-



Legolas just barely stopped himself from whistling in shock. That would have given away his hiding place from on top of the palm tree that stood in a corner of the living room.



He liked sitting in the tree. It felt, nice. But birds were meant for trees, so it was not very surprising. Unlike other things. Like a certain guinea pig.



Gimli really wasn’t like the guinea pigs from the Pet Store. He was different.



This was very annoying. Things would have been much easier if he'd been like them.



-



“You’d name us friends then, Gimli?” Galadriel asked, and Gimli scratched at his ears, feeling a little uncomfortable.



“I am your friend, my Lady. And your husband’s,” he added looking at Celeborn. “But you can of course feel however you want.”



The two doves exchanged a look, so in tune with the other that words were not necessary.



“We are your friends then, Gimli,” Galadriel said, turning back to the guinea pig, who watched in horror as the dove plucked on one of her beautiful feathers until it came lose.



“My Lady, no,” Gimli protested, but Celeborn shook his head.



“It’s all right, it would have dropped on its own soon anyway.” He raised his wing and Gimli could see that the wing looked a little more untidy than it had done just the other day. The guinea pig still winced when the grey dove picked at a small feather and it came lose.



Both the doves managed to press the feathers through the metal roof of Gimli’s cage.



“As a token of your friendship,” Galadriel said, then they both flew away again.



Birds. They were a strange lot. But the feathers were very beautiful.



He would put these with the bright yellow one he had found on the floor before. He had thought about asking Legolas if the bird minded that he keep it; just… not for any particular reason - Gimli just... enjoyed the colour of it, but he rather thought that Legolas would have demanded to have his feather back and… Gimli didn’t want that.



-



Legolas watched how the guinea pick carefully stroked the white feather belonging to Galadriel with his front paw. Then the bird ducked behind one of the big leaves and that made him unable to see much of anything except green. He stayed there, not doing anything,trying not to think, until Tauriel called for him.



By then someone had moved Gimli’s cage.

-



When Fíli took Gimli back to Bofur, Legolas didn't say good-bye.



-

“Why does my guinea pig currently spend a fair bit of time curled up around a small pile of feathers?”



Fíli blinked. “He’s, erm, nesting? I don’t know. Why is he?”



“Would I be asking you if I knew?” Bofur shook his head and leaned back against the couch backrest. “He’s not been the same since he got back from here.” The man looked around. “Your roommate doesn’t have a cat or something? He doesn’t like cats. It wouldn’t explain the feathers, but at least it’d explain the moodiness.”



“No, Tauriel’s just got three birds.” Fíli frowned.” Gimli has feathers?”

-



Legolas little heart sank, silly thing that it was. Apparently Gimli had been even more infatuated with Galadriel and Celeborn than he’d thought. He had to have been if he was doing what his human had just told Fíli.

“Yeah,” Bofur said. “Three of them. He seems especially fond of the yellow one.”

Yellow? Legolas tilted his head. Doves weren’t yellow.



-

“Yellow?” Fíli said, unknowingly echoing the cockatiel’s thoughts. “But the only one who’s yellow is Legolas. He and Gimli did not get along at all. But he seemed to like the doves just fine.”



“I don’t know,” Bofur said, smiling at Fíli. “It doesn’t look like he’s wanting to put the feather in a bird voodoo doll.”



Fíli grinned back at him. “You could bring him here again, if you want. Bring him with you I mean. That is, if when you want to stop by.”



“Bofur?” Tauriel called from her room.



“Yeah?”



“Fíli would like to go on a date with you, what do you say?”



“Or maybe you don’t want to ever come back,” Fíli said, mortified. “That’s cool.”



“Do you?” Bofur asked, looking a little confused. “D’ya want to go out with me?”



“I-“ Fíli hesitated. “Not if you think it’s weird, then Tauriel is just full of shit. She often is, literally, comes with being a bird owner.”



“He also thinks that your moustache is really cute!”



“Being dead on the other hand,” Fíli muttered darkly. “That’s just something that can be made available as a bonus.”



The blond was just about to suffocate himself with a pillow (Kíli could avenge his death and at least try and kill Tauriel, damn her for having gone to classes in Tae Kwon Do) when Bofur took his hand.



“I’d like to go out with you, “ he said. “If you want to.”



“I do,” Fíli said, a little shocked.



“I now pronounce you idiot and moron,” Tauriel called. “Because really Bofur, you should have seen this coming.”



“I just need to kill my roommate first, is that cool?”



-



Legolas wondered if this meant that Gimli would be visiting again. And what it meant that he had one of his feathers. And if he could wait to come until the moulting had stopped, because Legolas felt like a feather duster at the moment and that just wouldn’t do.