LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

In breaking news, Betoota East chef Henry Leonards (34) was immediately terminated from Cafe Eats earlier today, following the revelation that he had been preparing food completely sober.

“Unacceptable. How am I meant to trust a chef who turns up to work like that? How do I even know he’s awake?”

Cafe Eats owner Wayne Guthrie (50) said he took a punt on Henry as a chef, even though he has no visible tattoos and only smokes socially.

“I’m not having it here. Showing up to work like that honestly. Probably didn’t even go out drinking last night before smashing some bongs in bed. These new chefs man, no clue.”

While disappointed in his former employer’s decision, Leonards is taking his termination in his stride.

“Wayne is a weird guy anyway. Whenever I sniffed he always touched his nose and winked at me like we were part of a secret club. Anytime I had a coffee he would say ‘Aw, big night you old snake!’”

Leonards admits he was partial to drug use earlier in his career but has relaxed his intake in recent years stating that eight hours of sleep a night and some light exercise is a healthier way to remain energised enough to cook a couple of vege-stacks or smoked salmon omelettes.

“For some reason, he (Guthrie) couldn’t seem to wrap his head around the idea that I can work without being geared up. For fuck’s sake, you don’t need to be smacked off your tits on goey to make a big breakfast out of mostly frozen ingredients.”

More to come.