CLIFTON, NJ—Revealing that by the time most American mothers notice their sons’ activities it is already too late, a report published Wednesday by SurveyUSA claims that the majority of maternal parents aren’t paying sufficient attention to 80 percent of the cool things the nation’s boys do. “Whether at playgrounds, swimming pools, or in the backyard, we found that moms are only seeing a small fraction of the awesome tricks, impressive stunts, and feats of dexterity their sons routinely perform,” said analyst Tim Ulrich, adding that a staggering number of roundhouse kicks, cannonball dives, one-handed catches, new dance moves that were just invented, and jumps off of high things are being missed by moms who are either turned around or focused on something else. “While this figure may seem high to those of us who are not among the nation’s boys, the actual number may be far higher, as it doesn’t include the statistically overwhelming number of mothers who heard their sons say, ‘Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom? Mom! Mom, check this out!’ and then pretended to look but totally didn’t.” Ulrich went on to note that despite not actually witnessing the awesome things their sons were doing, 78 percent of mothers still told them stop it.

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