An Open Letter To Whoever Came Up With "Floor Seats"

No. Don't do it.

Don't do what? Whatever it is you have thought to do next. Hand shoes. Don't do that. Nobody will like them. Foot hands. Nobody wants to replace their feet with hands via a brutal surgical procedure. Just leave the feet and hands as they are now. The feet will be shod. The hands will remain unshod. Critically, both feet and hands will remain feet and hands. Nobody needs or wants four dextrous but fragile appendages. Save it for zero G science fiction, buddy.

No. Don't do that, either.

Do not invent a cuisine based on rotting food. Yes, I've heard of that Scandinavian rotted shark thing. No, I don't think you should extend that concept to the ground beef I forgot about and is now alarmingly brown. Nobody wants to eat rotted food. Okay, yes, Scandinavians. Nobody who isn't a Viking wants to eat rotted food. Millions of years of evolution have resulted in people with strong aversions to food that could make you sick. Stop trying to make a smoothie out of everything the local Kroger is trying to throw out.

Don't do that. Whatever it is. Stop.

Look, I know you need some bullet points on a resume so that when you leave for another job you'll get a title better than "guy who can change the lights without a stepladder," but have you considered the fact that maybe you fit right in there as a man who stands in the corner with his eyes closed until a lightbulb needs changing and then impresses everyone around him with his femur len—DON'T EAT THE LIGHT BULBS

doesn't that hurt?

you are scaring your coworkers

there is blood all over the floor YES IT'S YOUR BLOOD WHO ELSE IS EATING LIGHTBULBS AROUND HERE

don't do that

don't

i can't stop you

nobody can stop you

please no

the sickening crunch

the guttural lip-smacking

the blood

i'll never be able to be around anyone else eating without thinking of this insanity

susan is vomiting

roger has stapled his eyes shut

stop

please

is this hell

…

i suppose you're going to put this on your resume as an innovative recycling initiative

if i may offer a suggestion, maybe replace the thing where you showed two hours of ref butts with this