MOSUL, IRAQ—Insisting he was just an ordinary jihadist that found himself in the right place at the right time, new ISIS commander Nureddin Farzat attributed his recent promotion entirely to U.S. drone strikes, sources confirmed Monday. “While I’d love to pat myself on the back for being elevated to field commander, I have to say the missiles that killed my supervisor and wounded several of my peers really paved the way for me to advance,” said Farzat, conceding that while he had impressed his superiors with his leadership in ethnic cleansing campaigns, the strikes from U.S. Predator drones deserved “99.9 percent of the credit.” “Sure, I’ve spearheaded suicide bombings in Kurdish regions, but if those airstrikes had never happened, the Shura Council would never have even considered me. ISIS has so many exceptional fighters and natural-born leaders that there’s no way I could have done this without a whole lot of luck.” Farzat went on to say that he sees himself remaining at his current rank indefinitely until another drone strike occurs or the Iraqi army puts up a decent fight.

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