Sign up to our newsletter for daily updates and breaking news Sign up here! Thank you for subscribing See our privacy notice Invalid Email

Sex dolls, finger fights and stinking farts. The last train home to Chelmsford is renowned for its lively nature, and we wanted to see exactly why it's dubbed a 'vomit comet'

We've all been there. We've dashed for the last train from the Spoons at Liverpool Street, some of us have woken up in Norwich and some of us have taken a one-way ride to chunderville, and thrown up all over Greater Anglia's delightful seating.

Whatever the story is, the last train home can be a wild one and, with Christmas parties fast approaching, it will be a ride many people will be taking soon.

But does the 'vomit comet' live up to its name?

Our reporter Paige Ingram took a ride in June and here's everything she saw

It all began in a bar, like many of my fellow passengers.

I had to remain sober, but downed a cocktail from Be At One Spitalfields before the clock struck midnight. Our carriage awaited.

The vomit comet has long held its reputation for being a drunk mess. It’s a strange place, where a group of partygoers get shoved out of the cover of a darkened bar and into a well-lit train carriage.

My journey to platform 10 boded well. One man was giving a girl a piggyback through the station, while others were indulging in fast food in a bid to sober up before the train journey home.

I even saw one girl boarding a train with a giant inflatable sex doll.

00.05am - The great paper straw debate

Our train back to Chelmsford left at 00.18am.

We were one of the first to board it and decided to sit in the second of the eight coaches and wait.

By 00.11am a group of five men, who looked like they were in their 50's, sat down, For the next 20 minutes or so they had us in fits of laughter.

One of the men was on the phone to a taxi company, trying to book a taxi from Colchester station to his home.

They tried to book a taxi, which ended with one of them mimicking the operator.

Their conversations then moved onto the very political subject of paper straws.

The same man who was booking the taxi was the loudest of the group.

He said: "Paper straws are f***ing s***, I always want to kill half the planet to have a plastic straw."

At this exact moment one of his friends was drinking a McDonald's milkshake and started signing 'My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard'. A banger.

This number one was followed by the catchy tune of “you may suck on my straw”, coming to a chart near you.

00.18am - Someone farted

The train is on the move.

As we pulled away from London Liverpool Street a group of three girls and two boys entered the second coach high-fiving each other.

They sat down and one of the girls began to mimic the drivers voice over, saying "please ensure you have your ticket" in a silly voice.

Out of nowhere an awful smell wafted into the carriage, the girl, who may have had one too many vodka shots, shouted "Who has just f***ing s*** themselves?"

I did wonder the same but chose to be less vocal about it.

00.32am - The most boring coach on the train, until…

The train arrived at Stratford and as the awful smell was still lurkingm so we decided to move to coach three.

But this place was dead. It was the businest, but it was almost as if everyone there had agreed to be sober and escape the riff raff.

One man was tucking into a McDonald's burger while the majority of the other passengers were either sleeping or engrossed in their phones.

But just as we were about to move onto coach four, things took a U-turn.

00.40am - The flying saucers

A man who was previously fumbling around trying to find something in his pockets whipped out a sweet cone, much to his fellow passenger's delight.

The moment the flying saucers made and appearance he instantly regretted his decision shouting: "F*** why did I get them out, I've been protecting this packet all night."

A woman sitting opposite him said: "Ooohh sweeties, I would like a jelly and a saucer please."

The woman sitting to his left pounced, she tried to grab the sweets from his hands to which he shouted: "Wait your turn, you're at the back of the queue now."

The coach, which I had almost given up on, had turned into a reconstruction of that Haribo advert where adults had children's voices; I would have paid good money to watch this.

00.44am - Space invaders

Sweet man then shouted 'space invaders' while waving a flying saucer in a woman's face.

By this point my cheeks were hurting from laughing so much.

A man in the group saw me laugh, pointed at us and asked us to go and sit with them.

As we sat down, one of the couples introduced themselves, and told me they had been celebrating a friend’s 50th birthday in Shoreditch.

Then from nowhere, one of the women shouted 'finger fight!’.

I was confused, then looked over to see her and the young man sucking their index fingers and waving them around like lightsabers for five minutes.

I was plied with flying saucers for the remainder of the journey.

00.58am- Home time

While there was no puke, the 40-minute journey was eye-opening to say the least. We bid our friends farewell and made our way home.

Here’s how I would rate the Vomit Comet:

Cleanliness: 8/10

Crowds: 3/10

Smell: 9/10

Vomit: 0/10

Humour: 10/10

Drunkenness: 10/10