Pronunciation: Mar-A-Lago

Estimated Value: One human soul

Club Membership Fee: $20 (suggested donation)

Architectural Style: Mid-century gaudy

Notable Amenities: Marble bathrobes

Number Of Bathrooms: 2.5

Club Members Killed Annually By Falling Chandeliers: 23

Standard Room Features: Ocean view, four-post mahogany bed, prayer sign indicating direction of Mecca


Number Of Employees Members Are Allowed To Scream At: 2,500

Average Time Before Trespasser Is Shot: 13 seconds

Housekeeping: None of that bullshit where your towel only gets cleaned if you leave it on the floor


Volume Of Geriatric Ejaculate Dribbled Into Mistresses’ Hands Per Night On Premises: 312 ml


Number Of Presidential Press Conferences That Will Take Place There After A Mass Shooting Or Terrorist Attack: 7


Sordid History: Built by a woman