I’m burning the candle at both ends. I’m sleep deprived and not running on all cylinders. Emmett’s really struggling right now and last night he was in crisis. It’s not something I will go into details about but I’m currently working with Akron Children’s, his therapist and his mother to do whatever we can to help him.

He’s safe and at home. I’m managing things at home, and that’s a huge plus. He’s an Autistic kid who’s being forced to deal with things no kid should have to deal with. He’s been through a great deal this year and doesn’t have the tools to cope with all of it. Your thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated for both Emmett and Elliott. Gavin can always use them for different but no less important reasons as well.

That has been consuming most of my time and energy right now and I’m exhausted. I’m still kicking but things aren’t going to be getting any better for right now.

Frankly, all of us, with the exception of Gavin, are struggling emotionally with the break up of our family. The boys are not doing well with it and it’s significantly impacting their lives right now. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to see them go through all this and not be able to take away their pain. It slowly wears me down and breaks me in ways I don’t know how to repair. It makes my grieving process much more difficult.

I’m doing the best I can but I know it’s not enough.

It’s really important to me that my kids have a good Christmas because I want them to feel like kids again. I want them to forget about all of this shit, even if it’s for a little while. It’s been tough because the kids have been sick for weeks and I’m struggling to get some of the Christmas shopping done. I’ve got some done for each of the kids but I haven’t finished.

As we approach the new year, I very much want to make sure that we take back control over our lives. I want the kids to start having friends come over. I want to better maintain the house and provide a calmer, more relaxed environment for the most important people in the world to me. I want to help my kids heal and I want to heal myself as well.