POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT

Cincinnati Bengals (5-5) vs Cleveland Browns (3-6-1)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

56,122.

That was the announced attendance for that game. No chance in Hell there were that many there, but to the few of you who went, watched at home, followed on social media, or have dedicated years, dollars and emotion into this football team; I have a message.

It’s not our fault.

I am sick and fucking tired of hearing people say that the Bengals have “bad fans”; that we’re not loyal to our football team. They point to fans of other, equally futile teams like the Bills and Browns and say “Hey, they still show up to games!” There’s a difference between those teams and ours, however that they always conveniently overlook.

While those franchises often make the wrong decisions, they at least try to make the changes necessary to fix what’s wrong. We’ve been spoon-fed the same bullshit for 16 years and people give us shit when we finally turn our heads away. Fuck them. At some point you have to say enough is enough and that near-empty stadium is the perfect image for how we feel.

We’re not the ones that should be embarrassed, the coaching staff and front office should be. The Cincinnati Bengals are here to entertain us and once they stop doing that, it’s our right to stop paying attention. Don’t come in here questioning our fandom or devotion, question their devotion to winning.

Now then, there’s the game to get to…

Nothing quite ruins a good Sunday like watching a Bengals game. A tradition unlike any other. — Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) November 25, 2018

Buckle up, chucklefucks.

Pretty fucking sad Monday in Cincinnati when the most exciting news after a beat down at the hands of the Browns, is that Andre Smith was cut. I’d rather watch his fat tits get slapped around than one more snap of Bobby Hart skating backwards so goddamn fast it looks like he’s about to launch into a Triple Salchow.

What a disastrous performance by the offensive line. Jake Fisher and Cedric Ogbuehi aren’t NFL players and should be cut immediately; two sacks of battery operated dildos whirring and flopping around would be more of a deterrent to opposing defenses than those two. While we’re at it, who swapped out Billy Price for a fucking t-shirt canon? Sailing balls over peoples’ heads is Andy’s job, not yours.

Speaking of Andy, are we all ready for the Jeff Driskel era in Cincinnati? A little Driskel Down Economics? We weren’t going to win that game with Andy, anyway. They weren’t doing shit before he left the game and they were only doing what the Browns allowed them to do, afterward.

It was a Bukkake of errors from their 13 penalties (season high), 135 yards and 2 TDs allowed by the linebackers in coverage, lack of communication and worst of all, an overall lack of interest by the players. Things started to look so bad that I floated out the idea that this was a player protest against Marvin/Mike Brown. The protest in the stands has already begun. It’s time to pry Marvin from the Mike Brown teat.

The milk has gone sour.

The defense has surrendered 745 yards and 7 TDs to rookie-led offenses over the last two weeks; one rookie QB making his first career start. How is that fucking possible on a team that has Geno Atkins, Carlos Dunlap, William Jackson III and Jesse Bates? For the vast majority of that game, those guys looked as interested to be there as Marvin does at his Monday afternoon press conference. Did you hear how he started his presser, by the way? He led off with this gem “It’s hard for me to recall all the things that happened in the game.”

Hard to recall!? It’s your fucking job! What, were you drunk? It’s my job to get completely tanked, forget what happened during the game and stand at the refrigerator eating shredded cheese in my underwear. You going to hire Hue to come to my house and do that, too?

12 year O.K.I. private barrel, neat – in case you were wondering. Pairs beautifully with the Meijer brand sharp cheddar, finely shredded cheese.

So here we are, spiraling out of control toward the end of yet another wasted season. Where do they go from here? I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t think the answers are currently in the building.

Breaking news! Before I could wrap up this rant, the news broke that Andy Dalton was placed on IR.

Well that’s just fucking fantastic. R.I.P. 2018 Bengals season, you were as disappointing as I am to my parents. And oh great, Tom Savage is coming here. Guess his Myth Busters money has dried up.

Yes, I know, that’s Adam Savage, but what the fuck am I supposed to say about Tom? He has exactly 2,000 passing yards in the NFL, according to his Wikipedia page. That’s actually kind of interesting. I take it back, Tom Savage is going to turn this flaming taco stand around!

10-6 here we come!

/end rant

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