Disclaimer: I apologize for being absent for such a long time. I bought a pet crocodile and it ate my hands off. And also any remaining energy to write sensibly. On anything of significant value.

Let’s get back on track with the first thing on my mind: Ramzan.

It’s around the corner. Instead of doing the obligatory explanation of what Ramzan means to Muslims, I’ve decided to take a sarcastic tone on the whole topic. As a Muslim, I’ve seen and experienced hilarious and often hypocritical behavior during the month by people around me and, in some cases, by my very own self. It’s often amusing when you get to witness an alteration in social etiquette and interaction simply because one month has massive precedence over the eleven others according to a faith. I enjoy that as a believer and, in that time, I find the funniest people who I fancy doodling later on. (Secretly.) (Because I don’t want to get killed.) (Humor can be fatal.) (These brackets are nice.)

So I decided to ask people what they love about Ramzan the most and here’s what I received as input. Feel free to share your funny anecdotes in the comments section.

Soaring Market Prices:

This lady loves it all. So does the man next to her, crippling under the collapsing economy while offering her her daily groceries. Bless them.

Is Your Moon the Same as the One in My Damn Backyard?

Because that will determine the day I get to celebrate Eid, dude.

Convenient Reasoning for Asinine Behavior:

Use your religious ritual as an excuse to annoy other people. It works!

Religious Education via TV VS Religious Education via Self Exploring:

Believe me, you won’t find God on TV. I tried. It doesn’t work. You will, however, find maniacs ready to kill anyone who disagrees.

Time Well Spent (Swearing Others Off):

Hey, if you’re whispering-backbiting about how utterly pathetic he/she is, you’re still backbiting. Thought I’d let you know.

Psychopaths on Pause:

Dangerous. Very dangerous. Run while you can.

Your Boss Doesn’t Care:

You can stop using your fast as an excuse now.

Redundant Diet is Redundant:

This isn’t a bad trait per se. It’s just annoying.

Eve Teasing:

I’m glad you think she’s pretty but you can stop staring now. Also for the next eleven months. Thank you. No, really. Thank you.

So there you go. Don’t do these pestering acts this month, okay? Trust me, you have plenty of time to be a pain in the rear end once Ramzan’s over.

Oh, one thing you shouldn’t do (that often well-to-do Muslims end up saying anyway) is abruptly and loudly invite someone to accept Islam as the way of life. It’s not exactly the best way to change someone’s faith. Like, for instance, one time a friend of mine invited her atheist friend over for iftaari (breaking fast) and her friend really, really enjoyed the damn samosa my friend’s mother made. Something like this happened:

Don’t do that. Islam doesn’t work like that. You could do this though:

That’s really cool and really Islamic. 100% halal. Or you could win someone’s heart by practicing your faith in subtle, harmless fashion. I do that. It feels nice like marshmallows.

This Ramzan, make sure you don’t do double acts on the whole deal. He’s watching anyway so you might as well say what you mean and mean what you say the halal way.

Happy Ramzan, everyone!

P.S. Now you can comment from your very Facebook account. How rad is that? Almost as rad as not pissing someone off this Ramzan. Exponentially rad.