#1: Know where to look

Not at her boobs (see Step 3).

Meetings of local or campus atheist groups.

Certain college classes: Political science, Geology, Biology, Philosophy, etc. (Classes involving small group discussions are a plus.)

Sci-fi conventions

Coffee Shops

Used bookstores

Atheist message boards.

Facebook — It’s possible to do a direct search in your network for atheists, agnostics, humanists, and Pastafarians (seriously).

Twitter — You can search for the term “atheist” or connect with friends of known atheists.

YouTube — If you search for “atheist,” you’ll find that several awesome ladies post videos on there. Does one live near you? Profess your love. Know that every other person is doing the same thing and you may be rejected or ignored.

The blogosphere — To the women who blog, we all salute you.

Catholic high schools (If you’re over 18, please ignore this one).

#2: Try the dating websites

Salon/Nerve/Onion = Great for atheists. Those sites are all part of the same network.

OKCupid = Good for atheists. And free! (How could you not love a site that has a section called “stalkers”?)

Match = Decent for atheists.

eHarmony = Not so good for atheists. The founder is a conservative Christian and that doesn’t help us. Plus, those commercials are so damn annoying…

Craigslist = Would you like some gonorrhea to go with that herpes?

(Actually, Craigslist is fine… but your best bet is to post your own ad — saying a little bit about yourself and the type of person you’re looking for — and then learn to weed out the crazies.)



#3: Be social. But don’t pounce

When you go to atheist gatherings, definitely talk to the ladies.

Try to be smooth.

The problem isn’t that no one talks to the women; the problem is that way too many people talk to the women… all at once… the moment they step into the room.

And most of the guys are creepy.

Don’t be one of them.

Look presentable. Put your glasses on straight. Suck in the gut. Shower. Floss. Cologne is good when measured in drops.

Don’t bring up your collection of Star Trek memorabilia. Save that for the second date. (Or never… unless she’s into them, too.)

Don’t stare at her boobs. Save that for the third date. (Or just be subtle.)



#4: Looking like this scores you bonus points

Or this:

If you need surgery to make the transformation happen, go for it.



#5: Have something to talk about other than atheism

Believe it or not, there are plenty of other topics worth discussing.

We all love meeting someone else who feels the same way about God and astrology and Tom Cruise. But once that’s understood, it’s time to move on.

It’s also not pleasant to hear someone trashing religious people all night.

Read books, be up-to-date on current events, know how to tell a good story, know something about sports (better yet, play one), listen to music that isn’t on the radio, watch movies that play in only a handful of theaters.

If the Flying Spaghetti Monster comes up in conversation, don’t attempt a joke about what you do with your noodly appendage. It will fail.

Bringing up This American Life or Mythbusters scores you bonus points.

#6: When not at an atheist gathering, it helps to carry around a New Atheist book

If you’re sitting in an airport or a coffee shop, just break out that copy of The God Delusion. You don’t have to be reading it. Just look like you’re reading it. The atheist ladies will flock to you. That book is like a Bat signal for the godless.

It also helps to just be public about your atheism. How will the ladies find you if you’re closeted?

Fact: If you have a Darwin Fish on your car, or a Scarlet A sticker on your computer/manpurse (murse?), atheist ladies will chase after you.

#7: It may be useful to accurately gauge the woman’s degree of atheism

If it turns out you and she are similarly secular, you are one step ahead of the game.

How do you find that out?

Begin by tossing around words like “secular” and “agnostic” and check out her reaction. If she’s already freaked out, run away. If she seems responsive, this is good news.

Then try throwing out a “Pastafarian” or “Humanist.” If she stares at you blankly, run away. If she laughs or nods approvingly, you’re on the right track.

Then mention “PZ Myers.”

If her reaction is like this…

or this…

… she may be the one for you.

Either one works. Because it’s all about name recognition and there is no in-between with PZ 🙂

#8: Just because she is an atheist, do not assume you know what she thinks about everything else

Not all atheist women are swingers.

Some of them may be looking for a long-term relationship. Some may not want to ever get married. Some may not be pro-choice or vote Democrat. Some may actually like certain aspects of religion.

Some may want to have babies for non-digesting purposes.

You’ll have to discover all these things on your own.

#9: Do not automatically discount a non-atheist

It is very possibly that you meet someone you like who is a very religious person. Or just moderately theistic. Or Jewish.

If you have fun and get along, maybe religion is a barrier you can overlook at first. Maybe she’s an atheist who hasn’t realized it yet. Maybe she’s someone who has never questioned her faith before but is interested in what you have to say. And, yes, maybe it’ll be a barrier you can’t overcome. You never know.

Moral of the story: You don’t automatically have to set your dating website search filters on “atheist” only.

#10: Be ready to have a duel with the atheist who is already dating her.

If you meet the woman of your dreams, you’ll find out quickly that she’s already seeing somebody. In this case, you must be prepared to do battle. I suggest becoming a fencing or jousting expert.