The interplay between pleasure and desire, explained

Touch

Try this touch exercise. Hold your arm out, palm up, and use your other hand to trace slow, very light circles around the inside of your elbow. Use the lightest touch you can, barely brushing the hairs on your skin if you can.

Give this a try right now.

Notice the tingling, almost ticklish feeling. Almost as if your skin is reaching for more. Do this for awhile, and notice how the sensation changes.

When you’re done, you can go ahead and rub or massage it out. And as you do, notice what that feels like. Very different, maybe like scratching an itch, more grounding. An exhale to the bated breath of the first one.

(Did you try it?)

The idea is that there can be touch that creates a desire for more touch… and touch that satiates. The first can be enjoyably tantalizing for a bit, but if you do it for too long eventually it can become irritating or aggravating.

The second one fulfills and gratifies, but like the first, it’s not something you would want too much of—it runs its course quickly. Keep going and eventually it feels numb or painful. (Imagine scratching an itch and continuing to scratch with the same vigor long after the itch is gone.)

Somewhere in the middle there can be a touch that feels good and stokes desire.

What exactly is this supposed goldilocks touch? You’ll need to discover it. But here are some things to know. It exists in between the extremes of too much and too little. Not that the extremes aren’t pleasurable—they can be great. But we get our fill of them very quickly.

And it’s a moving target. No touch feels good indefinitely, so don’t expect to set it and forget it. You will have to keep paying attention.

In sex, the shifting interplay of pacing, pressure, intensity, zeal, inviting, coaxing, teasing, responding, meeting, gratifying, pausing, etc., can allow the enjoyment of the game to continue indefinitely.

One thread running through it all to take notice of, one particular nuance: pleasurable touch that cultivates desire instead of extinguishing it.

Here’s how you can learn exquisite pacing from an exquisite meal…