It's Happiness Week at Cracked, which means we're taking a few days to celebrate those things that don't make us regret living in a universe subject to probabilities seemingly calculated by an invisible, omniscient serial killer. And high on our list -- before "the nitrogen cycle" and after "thumbs" -- sits "heartwarming local news stories about ducks."

Don't get us wrong: Most local news is vacuous crap. But fuck it -- we want a Kremlin-to-Pentagon-style hotline manned by a smoky-voiced ornithologist ringing us every time ducklings are reported rescued from a storm drain. And as this happens once every 15 minutes, we'd never sleep (and spend the rest of our days trapped in a cuddly living death).

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Totally worth it.

Yes, duck news is the perfect news, and may single-handedly justify 99 percent of the cross-eyed pablum farted out by the 24-hour news cycle. But what makes a good duck story more addictive than a speedball cut with the adrenal glands of Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Well ...