The Funny 115 - The Third One











#100. Na Onka v. Leg

Nicaragua - episodes 1-6



If you know anything about my sense of humor, you will know that one of my favorite things that can happen on a Survivor season is when we wind up with a one-sided feud.



You know the feuds I am talking about. These are the feuds like the one between Shambo and Laura in Samoa, where Shambo was absolutely pissed about everything Laura ever did, meanwhile Laura never actually said anything mean about Shambo or seemed to have any idea that Shambo was even mad at her. These are the kind of rivalries that make my life easy as a comedy writer.













"I just asked Shambo which branch of the service she was in."













"Laura just called me a cunt."













Shambo vs. Laura was probably my favorite one-sided feud in Survivor history, but it wasn't the only good one. Just off the top of my head I can think of a bunch of other fun ones. I mean, go back and watch Amazon sometime and watch how little Jenna and Heidi ever actually say about Christy. Meanwhile Christy is wishing them dead starting about midway through the first episode. That is another great example of a one-sided feud. And then we have a really fun one in Worlds Apart between Joe Anglim and Vince, which I am probably going to write about later on the countdown.















And of course we already talked about this one











But there was one feud in Survivor history that was so bizarre, and was so over the top and ridiculous, that of course you knew I was going to write about it on the Funny 115.















Yes, I can only be talking about the feud between Na Onka and Kelly Bruno's mechanical leg











So gather 'round, kids. Grab a chair. Sit a spell. As I weave you a tale.



It's the one-sided feud between one of the most horrible despicable villains in the history of Survivor, and its fight with Na Onka.















Asshole













Heading into Survivor: Nicaragua, you knew the producers were asking for trouble when they decided to cast a player with a mechanical leg. After all, as anyone who has studied history would know, mechanical legs have been responsible for some of the greatest atrocities in the history of the human race. I mean, who can think of the idea of a mechanical leg and not associate it with these moments, which have haunted us throughout the years, and have usually led to an inordinate amount of death and destruction.















The tragedy at Tiananmen Square















The Cannibal Murders of Baltimore (circa 1989)















The WWF tag team championship in the mid 80's















Yes, the producers were playing with fire when they cast a player with a mechanical leg. Because not all fake legs are benign like the one that was attached to (and had a leg up on) Chad Crittenden. Some mechanical legs are evil. Some of them are assholes. And these dickhead legs will stop at nothing on their ruthless trail of pain and destruction.

















I'mma let you finish, but Hanes are the best nylons of all time

















Harambe

















Zoinks













So here you have an evil mechanical leg on one hand, and on the other hand you have America's newest sweetheart in Na Onka.















Loves rainbows, glitter, ponies













Yes, there has never been a feud where the good guy and the bad guy were so clearly defined.



























Okay, so let's take a look back at Na Onka's heroic stand against an evil, manipulative, deplorable mechanical leg.















I got a leg, motherfucker, look what I can do with it













It's day one on La Flor, and daffodil princess Na Onka Mixon is all laughter and giggles. And why wouldn't she be? After all, she is here with her friends. She is about to play the game of Survivor.















This is a dream come true











Na Onka is all smiles.





















She is all energy.























She is full of good cheer and team spirit.

























But then...























She sees the most horrible thing she has ever seen in her life.























Standing right there on the mat next to her.



On her very own tribe.



Is the face of evil.















No, not that one. A little lower.

















Gross













Na Onka, who knows her history, and who knows what little motherfuckers those mechanical legs can be, understandably freaks out. Just like you would have done.















Also, I'm pretty sure a mechanical leg broke up her first marriage











So anyway, there is Na Onka, and there is Kelly's leg. Standing next to each other.



























Na Onka decides to make the first move. She knows that she has to act fast. Before the leg can get its hooks into La Flor, and start making them do all its bidding.















Na Onka whispers her secret plan to take out the leg











But sadly, Na Onka is too late. The leg has already directed Kelly to reveal it to the rest of the tribe. Despite all of Nay's best efforts, the leg manages to strike first, as it goes right for the sympathy vote.















"Hey guys, there's something I wanted to show you."















Sick











The rest of the La Flors are awed and impressed. Which was just what the leg was expecting.













Oooooooh















Yay Leg! Yay Kelly!













That leg is amazing













"No money in the world could replace what she's gone through in her life. Just give her the money."













It's funny and shiny!











But there is one person, of course, who sees through the bullshit.



Na Onka has already targeted her rival, and is ready to strike.













"I don't want people to be mad at me because I'm talking about her leg."















"I'm not going to treat you as an outcast."















"If you feel like you can outrun me, girl, let's race."











Nay has to hurry though. Because the leg has already directed Kelly to go out and find a clue to the idol.



























"Ha ha, let's see that mouthy black bitch try to stop me."













Okay, so it is episode two now. The race is on. The leg is this close to finding a hidden immunity idol, and rendering itself invincible.

















Kelly hops off into the ocean, and leaves the leg unattended.

















Na Onka sees this, and she hatches an idea











In a conversation with Sash, she spells out her plan.















"If there's ever a challenge where we have to race..."







































"You know, for real."











And now we wind up in a nasty back and forth where Na Onka and the diabolical leg try to out-insult one another. This is the part of Na Onka's story that is ugly.



It might be ugly, and it might make Na Onka look bad at times, but always remember that at the end of the day, the leg started it.

















The leg starts off the salvo by insulting Na Onka's mother















"She [the leg] has the heart, she has the mind, but she doesn't have a hundred percent of the body, and that's gonna hurt us."

















"I don't think that dating Dreamz is a wise relationship plan. I mean, come on. The guy is homeless."

















"I came all the way here from South Central, and there's a million dollars on the line. I will not let anyone stand in my way. Not even a one legged person can stand in my way."

















"Watch this, I'll skew the edit and force them to make her look like the bad guy. Don't mess with the leg, girl, or you'll get the horns."



















"She got one leg. Don't think I'm gonna be nice to you cause you got one leg. My name is Naonka, not fool."

















"[racial slur]."













The war of words continues through episodes two and three. And it doesn't help when the leg steals Na Onka's socks and it makes it look like Fabio did it.



























































Kelly watches helplessly as the leg has once again compelled her to commit evil















Nay knows she is losing a psychological battle against the leg, and at this point she snaps









Okay, it is episode three now.



Now the war is about to start.













The leg starts off episode three with some choice words about Na Onka's hairstyle, and about what a bad P.E. teacher she is















Na Onka retorts that she's about to send a message to those bitches Alina and Kelly ['s leg]. You just watch.













In the episode three reward challenge, La Flor wins reward and they win a fruit basket.

















The leg compels Kelly to pick up the basket with Na Onka









Na Onka and the leg both look down, and they both see the clue to a hidden idol inside.



























Bingo. A mechanical leg's wet dream.























And this is where Na Onka knows she must make her heroic stand.















Should I do it? Should I knock her whole god damn leg off? What do you, the audience, think?















"Oh shoot. She's going to knock off my leg, isn't she?"









So Na Onka and the leg (with Kelly attached) march back to camp.



























"As soon as we get back to our home, I'm goin' for it."















"Damn the fruit, I'm goin' straight for the paper."

























And go for the paper she does.























And just like that, Na Onka has heroically taken a stand against the forces of evil.





















She doesn't knock the leg all the way off. But damnit, she tried. All you can ask is that she tried.













Hey leg, fuccccccccck youuuuuuuuuuu!































Fabio witnessed the whole thing. And Fabio is livid.











And this is where I have to point out that, in her defense, Na Onka is super contrite. Just like any protagonist would be.













"Sorry about smushing your bananas."













In the end, Na Onka gets the clue, and the leg doesn't, and it is one of those rare moments in Survivor where the good guy wins. And the bad guy gets exactly what is coming to it.



























Now, of course, you know the leg isn't going to take a slight like that lying down. Not if you know anything about mechanical legs, it isn't.



The leg hatches a plan to make it look like Na Onka was the aggressor in the whole situation. And when Na Onka finds out what the leg is trying to do, she flips out.















What the fuck, leg??













And this is where our delightful little butterfly goes on the rant to end all rants. This is where the leg has finally made her lose it.



























Here are some choice quotes from Na Onka's temporary little breakdown where she snaps and she sort of becomes a minor bad guy for a couple of minutes.















"Go ahead, be a fool. Cause if it happens again I'm gonna pull you again."















"Hopefully I'll push you so hard that damn leg will fly off."















Like this















"I got hood. I don't got ghetto, I got hood."











And we can't forget these little bon mots that she has for the evil devil leg.















"Not even a one legged person can stand in my way."













"As you can see, I'll..."













"One shove."













"She's outta there."











And, of course, we have this one. Which was on all the t-shirts that the Na Onka fans wore back in 2010 and 2011.















"I really don't need no charity case on the jury. I might even force her to quit the game."













"And screw your leg. Screw your leg."













"Keep it away from the fire."















The height of Na Onka Mania













Na Onka even goes and uses her clue to find a key to the hidden immunity idol. Which, in the irony of all ironies, looks exactly like a mechanical leg.















Oh hell no.













Now, it is at this point you would think we would conclude with one of the greatest rivalries in the history of Survivor. I mean, all the elements were there. You had the good guy, Na Onka. You had the bad guy, that fucking god damn leg. And you had poor Kelly, who was stuck in the middle, and who was forced to do its bidding like she was Natalie Tenerelli in Redemption Island and the leg was Boston Rob.













Help me!















"Never!"















That leg is so happy and shiny!











But, alas, we never get it. We never get a conclusion to the feud between Na Onka and evil.















Because the episode five twist comes around. And now they wind up on different tribes.













And just like that, our hero is forced to play the rest of the game without the leg in her way.















Na Onka is sort of like Jesus, only if Jesus were awesome











The leg and Kelly are both voted out at the end of episode six. Not by Na Onka, but by the new La Flor tribe.



And with that, without so much as a whimper, we lose one of the greatest villains in the history of Survivor.















I'm sorry Leg. That's four votes, that's enough.











*smuff*





























Gross











And with this happy ending, our hero Na Onka now stands alone.





















As the only Survivor in history who was brave enough, and amazing enough, to stand up to a leg.



Oh shit, I just said stand up to a leg. Chris Daugherty cannot believe I just said that.















A rare upskirt











And so there you have it. The tale of Na Onka. And her heroic struggles against an evil, racist, mud slinging, vicious mechanical leg.



I hope you didn't buy the edit or the way she was presented in the episodes. Remember, they have to edit it that way because mechanical legs control the MPEG and ACE. Hollywood is run by mechanical legs, they pretty much have to be portrayed as the good guys.



In truth, Na Onka wasn't a villain at all. She fought the leg. She threatened to knock it into the fire.



She wasn't the antagonist at all, she was a god damn American hero.















** Thanks to Cory Gage for the Gordon Ramsay/Brad Culpepper picture, and to Josh Lehmer for helping me with the American hero picture **

