Baseball

Illustration by Gary Taxali.

A dangerous sport characterized by long periods of daydreaming, punctuated by intense bursts of unmanageable violence, panic, and people screaming at you.

“Rise and Shine, Campers”

They’re gonna force you to play baseball today.

Baseball Bat

A wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.

SoftBall

A hard ball.

HardBall

A killer.

SpeedBall

All balls.

Catcher’s Mask and Pads

Protective gear that only the catcher is allowed to wear.

Batter’s Helmet

A thing about which someone will say, “Where’s the batter’s helmet? Oh, Jesus, Eskenazi, put it back. You’re not gonna get hit. Don’t make me chase you.”

“On Deck”

A type of tummy ache.

“Good Eye!”

Something that you will yell at the wrong times. Like when you have just let a pitch go by because it was way too fast.

Foul Ball

A moment when you think, Holy shit, I got a hit!

Babe Ruth

Someone who people tell you was also overweight.

Home run

Something that you genuinely believe will happen when you swing. Every single time you swing. Even though it has never happened, you still think it will. You are so funny sometimes.

Right Field

A quiet place, where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting, and immediately understand that life is about to get much, much harder.

Fly Ball

When the sun drops a boulder into your eye.

ShortStop

A position that involves mostly grounders, and that you think maybe you can play.

Line Drive

The reason you can’t play shortstop.

Baseball Glove / Mitt

Something that you buy with your parents, oil up, place under your pillow, and carry around the house in the weeks before camp, never fully understanding how it works.

Wall-Climb Catch

Ha ha—just kidding. Don’t worry about this one, unless you want a trip to the infirmary. On second thought, go for it! Then you can talk to Beth the young nurse, and use the clean bathroom.

Third-Base Coach

A young boy with temper and control issues.

Innings

The amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.

Neil Braddiker

A handsome camp counsellor, who appears to have everything, and who coaches baseball, and can be seen flirting with Beth the young nurse.

“Kid kent ketch”

Something Neil Braddiker actually says after his throw hits a kid in the nuts on parents’ visiting day.

“Neil B. Has Been Stealing and Killing People”

The contents of an anonymous note you will deliver to the camp director.

Pinch-Hitter

Something that you and your teammates request for you but cannot have.

Pinch-Runner

Something that you and your teammates request for you but cannot have.

Pinch-Player

Something that you and your teammates request for you but still cannot have.

Two Outs, Bases Loaded, Bottom of the ninth

The farthest you will ever feel from your family.

“Who is responsible for this?”

What the camp director says on your last day, after he finds that someone has stolen bags of line chalk and vandalized the field the night before an inter-camp baseball tournament.

Calling Your Shot / Pointing to the Bleachers

Something people will find funny only once.

Charging the Mound

A moment of indignant bravery, followed by an uncertainty about how to properly punch someone.

Rained Out / Lightning

Proof that your Hebrew-school teacher was telling the truth.

“Thanks a lot . . . for helping us lose”

Something that a kid will say to you after the game. He is not sincerely thanking you, but that pause will break your heart.

“Oh, man! Maybe”

Your polite refusal when asked, “So, will you come to one of the company softball games this summer?” You’re an adult now. It can’t hurt you anymore.

Sports

The reason you’re like this. ♦