Joel Osteen Ordered To Acquire Butcher's License Due To Exegetical Methods

HOUSTON, TX—The Texas Department of State Health Services has issued an order to Joel Osteen, bestselling author and pastor of Lakewood Church, to acquire a butcher’s license in order to continue handling Scripture.

The department’s Meat Safety Assurance Unit was tipped off to a potential violation of the state’s health code, which prohibits individuals from butchering and mangling poultry, meats, and biblical passages for the public’s consumption without proper training and licensing. When a health inspector then performed a surprise undercover visit to Lakewood Church, sure enough, Osteen was in fact seen brutally slaughtering several passages—including Isaiah 53:5, Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 46:10a—without the proper licensing.

“Really we’re just crossing our T’s and dotting our I’s here,” Judd Grant, spokesperson for the inspection unit, told the Houston Chronicle. “It was clear from our observation of Mr. Osteen that he is in fact a skilled and experienced butcher of texts of all kinds. But rules are rules.”

Osteen is expected to comply with the request, and has already spoken victory over the licensing process according to the church’s Director of Positive Thinking.

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