Name: Big Ben.

Age: 159.

Appearance: Disappointing.

Actually, I think you’ll find that “Big Ben” refers only to the bell. Oh God, shut up.

It isn’t disappointing, though. It is a masterpiece of gothic splendour. Are you kidding? The place sucks.

Hardly. Big Ben was named the UK’s best landmark by TripAdvisor last year. Sure, but that was last year. This year it’s No 3, behind the Tower of London and Tower Bridge.

Oh, right. Is that because of the renovation? Yes, it is. I went all the way to the UK with the express intention of looking at a big clock, and now I can’t because it is covered in scaffolding for the next three years. My trip has been ruined.

Well, I have to say that you sound like an uncharacteristically bitter tourist. It’s not just me. Take a look at TripAdvisor. The whole place is brimming with Big Ben fury.

I hope you have examples. I do. On Sunday, a visitor from New York gave it the following one-star review: “We were really bummed that we couldn’t enjoy Big Ben this time around as it was under construction!!!!!!”

That’s a lot of exclamation marks. It’s warranted. Last week, someone wrote: “Big Ben is under complete construction. It is not recognizable. This was one of the highlights of my trip and it was very disappointing to view it in such a state.” “You can barely even tell what you’re looking at,” said another. “It’s a clock hanging on the wall and people make a big thing out of it so I thought I find out but it was good to see,” said a fourth.

That last one doesn’t even make sense. It was a five-star review, though, which goes to prove that you can’t keep Big Ben down for long.

Are people really coming all the way to London just to look at Big Ben? Of course they are. Everything else in London is terrible.

But this is a huge, historic city. Boiling the whole place down to a to-do list of big-ticket attractions is so reductive. Oh, so you didn’t see the Acropolis or the Eiffel Tower or the Brandenburg Gate when you went to mainland Europe?

No, of course I did. Of course you did. That’s what tourists do. So you tell me, if they can’t see Big Ben, what are tourists supposed to do in London?

I heard there’s a place on Oxford Street that sells cushions shaped like emojis. Oh, fun!

Do say: “Visit the UK!”

Don’t say: “Where literally the third-best thing you’ll see is a scaffolded-up clock.”