A MAN who is ill in bed and feeling miserable is wondering whether a wank might help.

Tom Booker, who has called in sick with a pouring nose, agonising sore throat, chills and shivers, is considering having a quick one off the wrist and then another Lemsip.

He said: “Uurgh. I feel like death. But I am lying here in bed with nobody about and the iPad handy and the tissues just there.

“It’s purely for medicinal purposes. Reinvigorating. It’s not like I’m going to enjoy it when I feel this rough.

“Might not even bother with porn. Just remembering better times, when I was capable of strenuous physical love without coughing up mucus, will get me there.

“I don’t feel I have a choice really. I owe it to my family and my employers to try everything I can to beat this thing.”