Upcoming Changes to Your Friends With Benefits Coverage

Thanks so much for meeting with me today, Jim. I’d ask you how you’re doing, but we have a lot to cover, or uncover as the case may be, in this meeting.

Let me cut right to the chase: we need to discuss a few upcoming changes to your current friends with benefits coverage.

I have to believe you knew this was coming—over the past few years, my hangover costs have been rising exponentially, which has sharply reduced my ability to call you on any non-weekend night. And of course, even if we’d been able to maintain pre-graduation levels of “rallying,” which was never likely, our demographics are shifting, which in and of itself puts the cost of your benefits through the roof.

It was one thing when we were both in the 18-29 slot. A relationship with minimal commitment levels and high deductibles, as well as “drunk,” “lonely,” or “just plain bored” deductibles, made sense then. But from my standpoint—and this isn’t just my ovaries talking, though, realistically speaking, I have to take their input into account—the cost just isn’t worth the current level of coverage anymore.

But that doesn’t mean I’m cutting you off, here. You know—let’s just look at these proposed changes one by one, and then we can discuss your next step.

First off, we’re reducing your weekday benefits options. You can still use them during the week, but only if you go through approved happy-hour, ladies’ night, or two-times-tequila Tuesdays channels, first. If any of the above options are approved—which will be decided on a case by-case basis—you’re going to be charged a minimum three-drink co-pay, before applying any bar specials.

I know that may seem steep, but bear in mind that the more you choose to contribute to your co-pays, the better your benefits are likely to become.

I mean, there’s a point beyond which they’re not going to happen at all, of course, but with this new plan, you’re the one steering the ship. You can decide if you’d prefer the 3-glasses of wine standard physical, or the riskier, but possibly more rewarding, 6-shot prostate exam. Don’t think of it as reduced choice, Jim, think of it as more personal control over your own benefits.

Moving forward, if pre-approval requirements haven’t been met, our phone lines will only be staffed between the hours of 7 and 10 PM Monday through Thursday, with additional hours, which may be subject to change, Fridays and Saturdays. Sundays cannot be used to discuss benefits coverage, though they can be used to purchase additional brunch credits towards future possible benefits.

Unfortunately, we’re no longer going to be able to fulfill sleepover requests for our individual plan-holders. As I said before, hangover costs have been going through the roof lately, and the value of a bed alone has long since outpaced the value of preventative measures to counter morning-regret.

Also, I’m sick of my neighbors looking at me like I’m a slut.

Finally, though you haven’t chosen to exercise this option thus far, I’m sorry to say we’re no longer able to cover enrollees with spouses, domestic partners, or even significant others. I know that may seem like it’s coming out of left field, but you have to see it from my side, Jim: at that point it’s much cheaper and far less of a hassle to simply hire freelancers as needed.

Now I know this may seem like a lot of cuts all at once, but I do want to let you know about an exciting new plan option we’re tentatively titling the “Julia Roberts” benefits level. Basically, if you’re willing to sign a binding “best friend’s wedding contract,” which stipulates that should both of us still be single at 35 we’ll marry each other, then you can go back to your former benefits level. If you do opt for this “platinum-level” benefits package, you are additionally entitled to three “just talking” phone calls per week and up to six morning-after breakfasts annually.

So, you know, it’s not all bad news.

You don’t have to decide what you’re going to do about your coverage right now, but I am going to have to ask you to give me a decision on your plan by the end of the week at the latest—via text. I don’t want more people thinking you’re my boyfriend than already do.