Set Your Phasers On Suck: The Worst of Star Trek (Part Two)

As promised, welcome to part two of my Worst of Star Trek series! If you missed Part 1 on The Original Series episode Spock’s Brain, you can check it out here. Today I’ll be covering that 80s Classic, Star Trek: The Next Generation!

Now, unlike the other four Star Trek shows I’m covering, there does not seem to be a fan consensus regarding the worst episode of TNG. Personally, I think it would be fair to call out the entire first season as being one long candidate for this illustrious title. A commenter on Jammer’s Reviews once described the first season of TNG as being “one facepalm after another”, and I couldn’t agree more. With only one or two exceptions, the first season of TNG is utterly embarrassing.

There’s so much material here to mine through:

“Encounter at Far Point”? The crew is threatened by a jelly donut in space.

“The Naked Now?” Data gets laid, Wesley forever cements himself as the most annoying character in Trek history. Yes, more annoying than Neelix .

“Skin of evil”? Tasha Yar is killed off by puddle of ink and metamucil, featuring a sick bay death scene more laughable than their early attempts to make the Ferengi happen as super villains.

“Justice”? The episode that teases us by threatening to kill Wesley Crusher and then, sadly, doesn’t follow through.

“Symbiosis”? Tasha Yar gives a shout out to the D.A.R.E. program as TNG attempts to make some sort of commentary about drug use.

“Angel One”? Riker goes to a planet of women, chaos ensues.

But, for me personally, I think the worst of the lot has to be Code of Honor. It’s the episode where Tasha is kidnapped and taken to planet African stereotype. Even the cast called this one embarrassing. The director was fired midway through filming for generally acting like a racist prick, and watching the episode makes it easy to see why. Yes, this is the bottom of the scrap heap, as far as I’m concerned.

So, without further ado, may I present for your viewing (dis)pleasure…

CODE OF HONOR!

As the episode opens, we learn that the Enterprise is headed toward planet Ligon 2 for medical supplies. Riker and Troi helpfully inform us that the Ligonians are humanoid, highly structured and very proud. So, basically, don’t expect great things from the make up department this week because we’re about to meet an alien race of average looking background actors from LA.

The party from Ligon 2 arrives aboard the Enterprise looking like someone cloned Shaq in the film Kazaam , mixed in a little MC Hammer and then multiplied the silliness by a factor of six. They immediately express shock that the Enterprise’s chief of security is a woman. Oh god, are we doing this routine again?

(click the images to enlarge)

Tasha thankfully cuts everyone’s speculations short by throwing down with one of the Ligonian guys when he tries to bypass her with a sample of their medical supplies. Ok, by throwing down, I pretty much mean she helps him do some kind of choreographed somersault. But, at least she didn’t just fake a fainting spell and grab the box like *some* Star Trek character’s might have done. Yeah, I’m looking at you Scotty.

Later on in the lounge, Picard gives the leader of planet Kazaam some kind of Chinese rocking horse as a token of the federation’s appreciation for the Ligonians generosity. Speeches about friendship are made, and the Ligonian guards are told they can leave.

Leader guy is still shocked that Tasha Yar is so bad ass though, and just won’t let the topic drop. He explains that on his planet, the women own all the land and property. But, the men control society. Troi says something uninformed about Earth’s history that doesn’t quite size up with reality, and the scene really kind of drags on. Eventually, Yar and the Ligonian guys take off for the holosuite, so Yar can show off a few more of her moves for these sexist, fashion challenged non believers.

Yar does some fancy martial arts stuff in the holodeck and the Ligonian guard gets dropped on his face again, this time by a hologram. I don’t know about the rest of the audience, but it occurs to me that maybe this guy is so impressed by Tasha Yar because he’s never actually seen a competent security officer before. It’s just a thought.

Anyway, as diplomatic fun time comes to an end, Picard and Troi join Yar to say goodbye to their visitor. But, BAM, the Ligonian leader grabs Yar during transport and snatches her away to the surface!

Now, if this scenario happened to Captain Kirk , an away team would have been beamed down with phasers at the ready five seconds later. But, not with Picard. He’s not that kind of captain. He’s not the kind of captain who makes rash decisions, or jumps into action. Actually, during the first season, Picard wasn’t the type of captain to do much of anything at all. In fact, Picard seemed to make “unconditional surrender” his first choice of options in most conflicts back then.

Anyway, Picard hails the Ligonians and fires off a blistering missive demanding they give Yar back and follows that up with a few warning shots at the planet itself. When that doesn’t work, he asks his senior staff for advice. After a few minutes of Troi blathering on about honor, they decide to do… Nothing.

An entire day of them sitting on their thumbs later, Dr. Crusher comes rushing into Captain Picard’s ready room to talk about the vaccine the Ligonians provided. Yeah, remember that plot point? Apparently this vaccine is urgently needed somewhere and can’t be replicated and Crusher just can’t bear the humanity of it all.

After a few minutes of crying about pain and suffering, Dr. Crusher abruptly switches topics and brings up her son. Or, in other words, she reminds us of a different kind of pain and suffering; the kind experienced by the audience anytime her son is mentioned. It seems Wesley is interested in butting in on the bridge more often, and Dr. Crusher thinks this should be encouraged.

In what has to be one of the most awkward sequences ever filmed, Dr. Crusher convinces Picard to lighten up a little and let Wesley onto the bridge. She tells him that Wesley is very interested in starship’s operations and adds that “speaking as a mother of course, he seems quite knowledgable.”

You can practically see Picard’s eye muscles strain from rolling so hard here, as he says “Well, yes… As a mother.” and hear him use every fiber of his being to fight off finishing his thought with “you WOULD say something ridiculous like that.” as he squirms uncomfortably in his chair.

Dr. Crusher reminds Picard that he, in what I can only think of as a heroic act on behalf of his senior crew members, banned Wesley from ever setting foot on the Bridge. It seems Wesley is waiting in the turbolift, scared to put a toe out of line.

Picard steps out of his ready room. He hesitates to give Wesley permission to exit the turbolift for half a second, and Riker is all over the situation like Ben Affleck at a strip club. Riker is really excited to crush this kid’s dreams and throw him off the bridge. I mean, considering we’re talking about Wesley here, can you blame him? But, Picard tells him to step off and let the kid sit up front by the ops station for awhile.

Literally the whole ship is looking at him like “Captain, what are you smoking?!? You’re going to let this child sit in the pilot seat of the most advanced starship ever built?!?”. But, Picard brushes all those haters off by angrily saying “What? Is the whole ship deaf?” and orders Wesley to go sit down.

After 24 hours of dutifully searching Wikipedia for information on Ligonion society, Data has decided that stealing Yar was an act of a kind of heroism to the Ligonions and that their actions were similar to what ancient earthlings used to call a “counting coup”. He unwisely insults French by calling it an “obscure earth language”, and Picard gets madder than that time the whole ship acted like they were deaf. Never disrespect the French around Picard. Data’s lucky he didn’t end up a walking zip disk after that comment.

Troi suddenly has all kinds of information about Leader guy and offers up that he might have kidnapped Yar because she “represented the riskiest prize”. Almost exactly on cue, leader guy hails the ship. Picard is still feeling miffed about the whole crew abduction thing and asks that leader guy return Yar, only to be shot down by his own staff.

Riker informs the captain that per the “Ligonion code of honor”, Leader guy was just doing what comes naturally. He tells Picard that they should “just ask for Yar back”, and data adds “politely”; just in case Picard was planning on going all French pride on anyone again. Picard capitulates, and the Ligonions agree to meet with the captain on their home world to return Yar.

After the break, we find out that this is one away mission the captain will have to head up. Riker isn’t happy about this because it could be a dangerous mission for the captain and because, let’s face it, he hasn’t had much to do in this episode.

Picard beams down to the planet with Troi and meets up with leader guy and his wife. He demands to see Yar, again, but is shot down with the excuse that he’ll get her back later on tonight. For once, Picard stands up for himself though, and is finally allowed to see Yar.

Picard points out that it’s polite to “say please before abducting someone.”. Well, then it wouldn’t really be an “abduction”, now would it? Leader guy laughs at this and explains that they only say “please” when asking for someone back, because that is the deeply rooted way of their culture. Picard just shakes his head and says “yours is a different world”.

Yar is lead about by two guards, and there’s a whole lot of talk about honor going on that really makes me wonder; where is Worf in this episode?

Later on that night, the Ligonions throw a swinging party complete with jugglers for Picard and Troi to honor Tasha Yar’s return. Leader guy makes an impassioned speech about guess what? Honor. Then he refuses to give Yar back because, hey, abducting someone creates a memorable bond and he’s gotten attached. Plus, all that talk about honor was just him pulling stuff out of his ass.

Leader guy’s wife is not having any of this though and insists on a fight to the death to settle the matter. Your move, Tasha.

Picard is disgusted by all of this and responds for Yar that she “unequivocally refuses” to accept the challenge. Hey Picard, what if Tasha wanted to fight someone to the death today? Ever consider her feelings on the matter? Ah well, starfleet rules and what not. Anyway, Ligon guy refuses to take no for an answer and angrily informs Picard that no fight means “No treaty, no vaccine and no lieutenant Yar!”.

Meanwhile, Riker is on board the Enterprise “probing the compound deeply with his sensors.”. No further comment on that particular situation is necessary.

On the surface below, Picard goes to visit our unlucky lieutenant Yar. Picard asks Yar if she knew Leader guy was going to pop the question like that, and Yar plays innocent on the matter. But, Troi uses her telepathic skills to get all in Tasha’s business. She points out that leader guy represents a “very basic male image” and that Yar must find his… His, um, basicness at least a little bit sexy. Yes, because being abducted by a raging sexist who wears sparkly Hammer pants is all kinds of sexy. Thank you Troi, for pointing out exactly how enticing a man like that can be.

Yar, however, doesn’t share my sense of incredulity at the situation and admits that she has been both flattered and kind of turned on by leader guys attempts at kidnapping and possibly rape because what woman doesn’t love a man with power, right? It’s the little things that make life special. However, Yar is pissed that Troi “tricked” her into admitting that. You know, because Troi is so devious and what not.

Troi ends this awkward scene by saying “how simple all this would be without the prime directive.”.

Excuse me, whaaaaa? Prime directive? This is a prime directive episode now? Oh god. I suppose she’s right though, without the prime directive they could just beam out whatever they need, turn the ship up to warp nine and jet on out of there without a second thought. With the prime directive they’re forced to… Um… Someone help me out here, what does the prime directive mean here? The prime directive forces Tasha to fight to the death? I’m lost.

Up aboard the Enterprise we’re reminded that the federation really, really needs this vaccine, in case everyone forgot why they were here in the first place. On the planet, Yar paces around her room and you can tell she’s just itching to kill someone already. Since Yar was killed off so early in the show’s run, most people forget about her. But, if it helps you understand her character, just think of her as a blonde, human, Worf. They were more or less the same person.

Troi suddenly decides she’s all in favor of this fight to the death because, hey Tasha’s good for it! She reasons that Yar is in it to win it and the federation does really need those medical supplies, after all. As a matter of fact, Troi sounds like she’s five seconds away from setting up a betting pool by the end of this sequence.

Picard goes to talk to leader guy about the whole thing. He mentions that Tasha Yar is an attractive girl. Leader guy then asks him if he’s tapped that ass yet. No, he asks Picard what he knows about women. I think we all know the answer to that question because, let’s face it, Picard is no Kirk in that particular department.

Leader guy then spouts off a lot of crap about how women are useless, apart from the land they own. You see, it turns out that his position and status come from being married to his current wife. But, if she dies, he gets to keep the land AND bang Tasha Yar. I guess. To be honest, the scene doesn’t even explain things that well.

In the next scene, Data struggles with the concept of telling a joke and I’m not going to put you through the pain of reliving that moment with me.

Data and LaForge beam down to the planet to study Ligonion armaments for something that might help Tasha win this fight. Meanwhile, Picard gives everyone a weighty speech about the prime directive, because “that’s what this is really about.”. It’s a good thing he pointed that out, because I thought this whole thing was about an overly dramatic fight to the death in silly costumes. I’m glad to see I was wrong.

Picard then goes on to say how humanity was almost destroyed by following ridiculous codes of honor like the Ligonions do, but was eventually saved by the invention of the prime directive. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but isn’t the prime directive basically… A code of honor? This whole speech is so bad even Picard looks embarrassed by it.

Tasha and leader guy’s wife try to have a heart to heart about all this, but to no avail. The wife seems to be under the impression that there’s something attractive about her husband. But, Tasha assures her that she is only fighting for the vaccine.

Data and LaForge determine that the Ligonion weapons are all deadly, which in and of itself is shocking. But, there’s more! They also apparently cover their weapons with a lethal poison, just to make things more interesting. Troi has nothing helpful to offer on the matter, as per usual.

Yar soon joins them to let them know that Leader guy’s wife isn’t budging. Data then gets all in Yar’s business and asks if she’s in love with Ligonion leader guy. Yar looks outraged, but then awkwardly admits she’s attracted to him. Again. Because we needed this plot point revisited one more time.

Soon some Ligonion guys bring Yar Several boxes of weapons, telling her to choose her size. The weapon turns out to be basically a metal boxing glove with nails sticking out of it. But, wait, it gets dumber.

The combat area has been set up in the courtyard. Everyone looks out and sees leader guys wife rehearsing a scene from the movie Tron in the middle of the set up. No, she’s practicing for the death match.

When the fight begins, leader guy’s wife has put on some kind of sparkly track suit for the occasion, and the whole thing is so silly I don’t even know where to start.

At one point, Leader guy’s wife loses her death glove. It goes flying off into the audience and kills a spectator. For real.

Eventually though, Tasha stabs the other girl in the arm and wins the fight. In a move that momentarily looks like it might lead to weird postmortem lesbian action, Tasha throws herself on leader guy’s wife’s body. To everyone’s shock, they are beamed back to the ship seconds later where Dr. Crusher is waiting with a med kit.

Leader guy is annoyed. But, not too annoyed, because now he has all his dead wife’s land. Picard points out that the federation has won the fight and sends a medical team down to pick up their vaccine. But, just to shake things up, when Picard beams back up to the ship, he takes two of the Ligonion guys with him. You’re not the only one with a transporter, abduction happy alien race!

As it turns out, through the miracle of medical mumbo jumbo, Crusher was able to bring leader guy’s wife back to life. Leader guy freaks out and immediately starts up on a second round of his “No treaty, no vaccine!” speech from earlier. He then accuses the Enterprise crew of “witch craft”. Seriously.

However, Crusher assures this guy that his wife was in fact dead for several minutes and offers up paperwork to back up her claim. I know easily forged paperwork would convince me that an unseen medical miracle took place. But, will it satisfy leader guy?

As it happens, it doesn’t matter because leader guy’s wife’s death has knocked some sense into her and made her decide to pull rank. She informs him that her death nullifies their mating arrangement, and so all that land is now hers again.

Wifey hands off the position of husband to Former leader guys second in command, who smiles and tells the captain “you may excel in technology, but not in civilized behavior.” and the whole thing pretty much makes no sense.

Back on the bridge, Riker has apparently been letting Wesley fill in for him at ops this whole time. Picard awkwardly relieves him and then tells Riker to set course for the planet that needs the vaccine… At warp 3. I guess the epidemic wasn’t urgent enough to warrant warp 9.

As the Enterprise jets off into space, the torture is finally over. Thank God this show improved after the writer’s strike ended in season two.

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