Did you notice there was one department that didn't figure in the budget cuts?

Yes, it was the Ministry of Defence. Which is pretty surprising, since the UK spends more on its military than Russia. In fact, according to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute, last year it was the world's third biggest spender on military matters. We can be proud that our country, in 2009, a time of economic chaos, managed to spend $69bn on warfare – I'm sorry: "defence".

Only China and the US spent more last year than us. Isn't that something?

Now you may ask: "Who are our enemies, apart from those we've created by invading Iraq and Afghanistan?" After all, fundamentalist Islam wasn't a problem before we started attacking Islamic countries – even secular Islamic countries like Saddam's Iraq. Well the answer is: "We don't know."

But just because we don't know doesn't mean we don't have enemies. They could be anywhere. Hiding under our beds. Peering out of our wardrobes. The world is full of potential enemies and the key thing is to get them before they get us, like the Americans do.

George Osborne also didn't mention Trident. Some people say: "What's the point of lugging nuclear bombs all over the Atlantic that no one will never be able to use? Bombs that, if they ever were used, would kill so many innocent civilians and pollute so much of the planet, it would count as a war crime."

Well, in the first place, they're not our bombs. We bought them off the Americans, and despite what endless prime ministers say, we'd need to ask the Americans' permission to use them. So it would be their fault. In the second place, realistically the only way the UK government would ever actually use Trident would be if the USA were, independently, to mount a nuclear strike against some presumably remote and sandy region, because then we would be expected to join in so that the Americans could claim to be acting in the name of the civilised world.

Now you may say that would make us more likely to be targets for nuclear retaliation, and that the Ministry of Defence ought to be renamed the Ministry of Turning Us Into Sitting Ducks. But you must take into account the feelings of our ministers of state. How can we possibly expect them to hold up their heads, when hob-nobbing with other global military powers, if we don't allow them their weapons of mass destruction? They're only human, after all, and giving up Trident would be like getting knocked out of the World Cup in round two!

According to the British American Security Information Council (or BASIC), the cost of running and maintaining Trident is roughly £5bn a year. That's about the cost of 1,000 new secondary schools, 200 new hospitals, 1.2p off income tax and £10 a week increase on state pensions.

So giving up Trident isn't going to benefit bankers or hedge-fund managers, is it? And what's even worse, it may make the country safer instead of more vulnerable, which is bad news, if you want to instil fear of terrorism into the population.

Now the chancellor must have been sorely tempted to save £4.5bn a year by pulling out of Iraq and Afghanistan. But thank goodness he resisted, knowing that our presence there helps to fan the flames of Islamic fundamentalist resentment against the UK. In any case, how else could we be able to kill lots of people attending weddings and going about their own business, in a part of the world that has no impact on us, apart from oil.

The Institute for Fiscal Studies says that the impact of the budget will bear down five times harder on the poorest 10th of the population than on the richest, by 2015. It is truly inspiring to see how inclusive our society has become under this government. And we can only applaud our poorest citizens, who are now not only subsidising the bankers but subsidising the military and, in consequence, the whole of the arms industry as well. Good for them! Keep it up!