THE stupidest people in Newark were bereft today after being denied the chance to vote for Nigel Farage.

The towns simpletons will still be able to vote for a UKIP candidate, just not the famous one off the television whose mouth is full of ‘sense’.

Bill McKay, the 17th stupidest person in Newark, said: Nigel pint fag pub straight talking I really hate brown people and Spanish vegetables.

I wanted to touch Nigel. Really, really touch him so that he would notice me and then we would become friends.

He added: Im wearing an eyepatch because I had an accident involving a boiled egg.

Jane Thompson, who leapfrogged McKay last week to become the towns 16th stupidest person, said: Obviously Im sad, but Im sure the UKIP candidate will be very nice and not racist in public.

I do think it would be best for everyone if Lenny Henry went back to Swaziland.

The by-election was caused by the resignation of Tory MP Patrick Mercer, who was so stupid he actually got caught-out by an undercover reporter offering cash for questions.