Credit: USA Today Sports

Atlanta and New Orleans are rival sports towns because of geography, because of division alignments, because they both came into the league just one year apart, because they were the first two NFL teams hailing from the Deep South, and because it’s fun. But it’s never fun when your biggest rival has an opportunity to be the world champion, which is the pickle Who Dat Nation finds itself in. Super Bowl 51 is a deformed, soggy, limp pickle. If Atlanta wins the Super Bowl this weekend you’re gonna have to eat the pickle. I do not like the Atlanta Falcons and I just talked myself into not liking pickles either.

Looking your kids in the eye during these troubling times can be difficult. Most kids are pretty innocent and as a parent you want to protect that innocence for as long as possible. The Atlanta Falcons are trying to rob your kids of their innocence. No matter what kind of kid you have I’ve organized some facts to help them in these trying times.

Your kid hates nerds

The Falcons franchise got fined a lot of money for pumping in fake crowd noise in 2013 and 2014 because their fans were so quiet and bored during games. Only nerds do stuff like this.

Your kid loves math

In 2013 a study at Emory pegged Atlanta as the 2nd worst in Fan Loyalty rankings and Emory is based in Atlanta. Even the dumbest kid will love this fact so your math loving kid is gonna really, really love this.

Your kid is a bandwagon type

In 2012 ESPN said “without a doubt Atlanta is the worst sports town in America.” A lot has changed since 2012 but this will always be funny. Make sure your kid knows that not very many people like the Atlanta Falcons so they shouldn’t like them either.

Your kid is creative when it comes to lying to prove a point

The new Atlanta Falcons stadium is sponsored by Mercedes-Benz just like the Superdome has been (this part is true). Atlanta can’t come up with anything good on their own, a fact supported by the only good restaurants in Atlanta being opened by New Orleanians (not true), the best music in Atlanta being stolen from New Orleans (definitely not true and pretty disrespectful, actually), and my friend Paul (true, I have a friend named Paul) who moved to Atlanta a few years ago (true) telling me how much it sucks (not true but mostly because we don’t talk anymore so it can’t be true based off of us not talking anymore).

Want more? Listen to my podcast, Trew 2 the Game, for more on how to talk to your kids about the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl (also available on Stitcher and iTunes).

Finally, here’s a disturbing video of the Falcons owner dancing after a playoff victory this season. The players are acting like they are having fun but inside they are all extremely bummed out. Show this to your kids too, they are going to be disgusted.

Thanks for reading — follow me on all social media handles (@christrew) and please forward on to fellow Saints fans. Thank you!