Merit Badges For Newly-Out Adult Queer Women

Words by Harmony Cox and Illustrations by Margaret Stolte

Nothing is more exhilarating and disorienting than realizing that you’re queer as an established adult. If you are grappling with both a fear of slowed metabolism and the sudden understanding that your daydream about moving to the country with Ina Garten and a dozen sheepdogs is more than an idle fantasy, you probably need reassurance. Celebrate the milestones of your early queerness with these merit badges! Pin them on the denim vest we both know you own.

Retroactive Queer Media Studies

It’s time to re-watch your childhood favorites with new eyes and a newfound sense of self-awareness. Did you skip the X-Files to watch Xena? Did you really, REALLY love the gay bits in Sailor Moon? Did you have a picture of Sigourney Weaver hanging in your locker for “inspiration”? Sometimes the simplest explanation for why your favorite movie was But I’m A Cheerleader is the correct one. You didn’t know it then, but you know it now, and this badge proves it.

Baby’s First Haircut

You’re getting tired of explaining yourself to everyone, so it’s time to let your hair do the talking. Whether you spend hours on Google researching the right look or you just nervously hand your hairstylist a picture of Cameron Esposito and hope for the best, this is the first big visual expression of your changing identity. Wear your undercut (and this badge) with pride.

OKCupid Super-Sleuth

Remember those people you thought you might be vibing with, but you weren’t out enough to deal with it? Get ready to say “told you so” when you make your first queer account on a dating website. You’ll be delighted to learn that the barista who calls you “baby” is a lesbian. You’ll also learn that she’s a self-proclaimed sapiosexual who is unwilling to date outside of her race, so maybe slow your roll there. On the plus side, you were right about your co-worker Carol, and this badge proves that your clueless ex-boyfriend can suck it.

Elementary Astrology

What is a rising sign? What is a sun sign? Why would stars that died eons ago have any effect on your current circumstances? If you want to get anywhere with that buzz-cut cutie on Bumble, you’d better figure it out. Astrology is a cornerstone of queer flirting, so earn this badge by regularly checking your horoscope on Autostraddle and keeping the right apps open for those first conversations. At least you can blame Mercury being in retrograde for your shitty attitude.

Feeling Iced Out of Certain Spaces Because Of Your History with Men

If you don’t earn this one the first time, don’t worry — you’ll get plenty of chances to try again.

Sleepagay Camp

You’re no longer seeking the company of men, but you will yearn for the days you did as you cluelessly attempt to bring home a new romantic interest. You’ll spend hours making small talk, desperately trying to figure out if they’re flirting with you. Eventually they’ll ask if they can spend the night. But you don’t know what “spend the night” means! Do they want to play Spin the Bottle, or are they just too tired to drive home? You don’t want to be pushy, so you let them crash on your couch. You’ll spend the wee hours of the morning tossing and turning in your lonely bed, overthinking every minute of your evening together. They’ll never call you again, and you’ll feel like an idiot for weeks. But at least you got this badge, so…hooray?

Coming Out Again (And Again And Again)

The first time you come out, it will hopefully be to a trusted and supportive friend. Sadly, this will not be the last time. The uncomfortable folks who are used to you being with guys will twist themselves in knots to explain why you kissing another lady full on the lips at an IKEA is just gals bein’ pals. Earn this badge by coming out every chance you get — in the breakroom at work, over Thanksgiving at Dad’s, and to your pushy friends who know the perfect guy to get you “back in the game.” It’s Groundhog Day for baby gays, and even landing Andie McDowell won’t stop the rollercoaster. Try not to get nauseous.

You’re Gonna Make It After All

Eventually you won’t have to rely on OKCupid to figure out who’s queer, because you’ll clock each other instantly. You’ll invite a girl over to your place and manage to sleep in the same room with her — maybe even in the same bed! You’ll even get used to casually correcting your uncle’s misgendering of your special someone between mouthfuls of holiday food. This badge gives you permission to call yourself queer, because you know that’s what you are. Of course you don’t need a badge to tell you that, but sometimes external validation is nice. Congratulations!