1. Shoot your own dinner entrées.

2. Drink American beer while it’s fresh.

3. Carry a sidearm into church.

4. Shave your pubes into an American eagle.

5. Place a beef-jerky bouquet on John Wayne’s grave.

6. Drive an appropriately sized truck.

7. Read the national edition of USA Today.

8. Make a healthy living simply playing the children’s game of soccer.

9. Visit the historical home of Laura Ingalls Wilder and drink a half pint of Old Darlin’.

10. Urinate in North Dakota.

11. Consume USDA-certified meatstuffs.

12. Learn about the Bible in science class.

13. Gape at the majesty of California’s giant redwoods while watching Ax Men on an iPad.

14. Carry a sidearm into an antique-furniture store.

15. Stand at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon and contemplate the grandeur of the combination safe full of sidearms in your nearby RV.

16. Go an entire week eating nothing but corn-syrup-based comestibles.

17. Appreciate firsthand the natural beauty of American women, particularly my American wife.

18. Not hear any Dutch accents.

19. Stand at the northern border and pass gas into Canada.

20. Secede from the union and form your own island state. (Still working out the bugs in this one.)

21. Watch a WNBA game live and revel in the physical prowess of women who know what the human body is supposed to look like.

22. Catch a largemouth bass, release it, then drive to McDonald’s in a Hummer and step up to a delicious McRib.

23. After that delicious McRib, hum "I’m Lovin’ It" while carrying a firearm into a Buddhist temple.

24. Become obese, then immobile, and get famous for it.

25. Appear on television and get all the money and tail you could ever dream of by becoming a televangelist.