GCHQ HAS confirmed that Donald Trump’s private communications are nothing but the same meaningless bollocks he says in public.

The communications intelligence agency admitted they did listen to the President’s phone calls but only once and they would never waste their time doing it ever again.

A spokesman said: “Come on, it’s not like he’s suddenly all ‘Excellent, the destabilisation of the economy is progressing as planned, now to test China’s nerve with capital controls,’ once nobody’s watching.

“It’s just the usual garbled gabble about Hillary, his Apprentice ratings and the failing New York Times except there’s some bored billionaire on the other end waiting for a gap when he can ask for building permits.

“Our trained operatives, used to deconstructing every nuance of codeword-laden conversations between Al Qaeda and Pakistan’s Inter-Service Intelligence, can’t listen to that shit. They’d lose their minds.

“Plus he makes 70 per cent of calls from the toilet. Come on. Even we have our limits.”