When you’re a world-class director like Michael Bay, attempting the impossible by trying to make a sequel that will satisfy the discerning fans of a Shia LaBeouf–starring actioner inspired by an eighties toy franchise, it’s imperative that your entire team perform at its maximum potential. The special-effects crew needs to be at their most explody, and Megan Fox can be nothing less than her absolute chestiest. Also, marketers must spare no expense to convince audiences that your movie will completely scorch their faces off — and if they don’t, there’s a problem. Over the weekend, TMZ obtained a grammatically horrifying e-mail from Bay to Paramount brass, complaining that the studio’s promotional push for Transformers Revenge of the Fallen did not meet with his high standards.

On the evening of May 4, an incensed Bay sat down at what we assume was a powerful supercomputer and dashed off a quick note that makes Quentin Tarantino’s misspelled Inglourious Basterds script look like the AP Stylebook. You can read the entire thing (subject line: Urgent NOTE FROM BAY) here, but below are the best parts:

• “I’m sure the Yahoo downloads of the trailer are far lower than last movie — I would of got something saying how we broke download records like last time.”

• “I still run into so many people even this weekend with kids that ask ‘is that movie coming out this year?’”

• “So far our print has been in my opinion and abject failure.”

• “Over the years Jerry Bruckheimer mentored me on event movies — he had a mantra — ‘A studio that does not make it an event, will it into an event, thinks the audience will just show up, will always be bitten in the ass.’”

• “At this time last movie we had an 30 minute MTV event around the Video Awards, now we have our two leads just announcing an award — they want me to play a small clip. I consider this so lame. Clips don’t blow people away!”

• “On the foreign front, from the terrible amateur cut down trailer I received which had a 23 frame flash cut of Megatron, if someone would of given me just one call, I could of told them the whole point of the trailer was the reintroducton of Megatron.”

• “I cannot figure if this is a cash issue with your company? Is there some clever idea why are we not spending? I’m not sure.”

On June 6, Bay sent Paramount another note (also leaked to TMZ) thanking Paramount executives for “busting your butts and bringing your ‘A game,’” which we guess means they were miraculously able to read his first e-mail.

Michael Bay: Steven & Jerry Wouldn’t Take This! [TMZ]