

I live better than a king. Sure, there are modern day kings who live better than me but they’re mostly kings in title only. When I say that I live better than a king I’m referring to Medieval European kings. While it’s true that I don’t make much money, have almost no power and don’t come from a connected family I’m still doing better than the most powerful men of 500 years ago. Below I’ve listed 5 reasons to supported my claim that I, Zervas, live better than the head honchos of yesteryear.

Life Expectancy:



People just didn’t live very long back in the day, even kings. The average life expectancy of an English king was 46 years, from Offa in 774 to William the 3rd in 1702 the men who ruled England didn’t do so for very long. The average life expectancy for U.S. males is about 75 years, that’s nearly 30 years longer than the mean average for English kings. Of course I’m not average. I’m short and college educated which suggests that I’ll live longer than the average American male. Only one English King (in the time period I’m speaking of),Richard Cromwell, lived past 75. Where’s your castle to save you now?

Food:



I eat well, real well. I eat off a plate, with a fork. Kings ate off smashed bread, with their fingers. Like a king, I eat mostly locally grown, organic, hormone-free food. Unlike a king, if a type of fruit isn’t grown locally I just buy fruit that’s flown in from the other side of the world. All the power in the world couldn’t get fresh non-local fruit to a king before it rotted. I’m sure Henry the Eighth would have liked some french fries or red sauce but the fact is he spent his whole life without tasting potatoes or tomatoes. That’s just sad.

Germs:



I’m fairly cootie free. I shower ever day and I use soap, that’s right Richard the 1st; soap. In this day and age I have ready access to antiseptics and antibiotics. It’s amazing what a little penicillin will clear up. It is true that I can’t order anyone to be beheaded but I can walk around without smelling like an outhouse. Fair trade.

Climate control:



It’s pretty well known that castles are drafty, not my house. I have double insulated windows and central heating. Not only do I get to be warm whenever I want but I am able to choose my warmth to within one degree Fahrenheit. No smoke, no soot, just awesomeness.

If it gets too warm, Bam! air conditioning. I’m sure a king gets some kind of ego trip by having servant girls fan him but I’m not in it for the ego, I’m in it for the cool. The fact is accelerating warm air against sweaty skin just doesn’t get one as cool as some wicked freon powered A/C.

Travel:



It was a pain in the ass to travel back in the day. Kings had to travel by horse or by boat and it took effing forever to get anywhere. I can fly across the country on a whim or travel to the grocers at 65 mph. It’s true I’ve done little exploring outside the American Union but this is because I haven’t gotten around to it yet, not due to any actual limitations of travel. If I wanted to I could be in Asia by the weekend, I just don’t feel like it.

Despite what the story books say it sucked to live in medieval times, even if you were ruling said times. The only thing a king has on me is power, which is something I don’t crave. From entertainment to education to standard of living I have it pretty good. Sometimes I just need to take a step back to see that.

Just missed: toilet paper, electricity, dentists, mass media, hot chicks and TiVo.