Dream a wondrous dream filled with wins and Mets pitchers working from March through October.

Gsellman: Adam Hunger, USA Today Matz: Kathleen Malone-Van Dyke, Newsday

“Bullpenning” is considered by some to be the latest example of the Sabermetrati trying to inflict its cold-hearted way of life into a game played by warm-blooded men carried by immeasurably powerful hearts and souls. The same people who bemoan the end of smoking on airplanes despite never taking advantage of the privilege do not believe in counting the number of times a pitcher has faced an entire lineup. Counting in general is nonsense, unless you are adding up runs.

To those I say welcome to 2017! It kind of sucks! But that has nothing to do with tandem starting pitchers. You might have said something like “But Justin Verlander!” It’s true, Verlander is the one contemporary pitcher known for training his whole career to pace himself for nine innings. Some say he gets better as the game goes on, not unlike a superhero. Yet hitters facing Mr. Verlander for the third time in a game have a higher batting average, on base percentage, and slugging percentage than they do the first or second time. So there.

Verlander currently pitches for the Houston Astros, an organization that as recently as 2014 employed two starting pitchers every game in every minor league level. They bailed on implementing the tandem starter plan in the majors and made the playoffs in 2017 anyway. In those playoffs they went back to #bullpenning when they called upon starters Lance McCullers and Brad Peacock to toss multiple relief innings. At first this led to a pennant: Houston became the first team ever to record two saves of 11 outs or more in the same postseason. The time of reckoning for all of the pitchers involved in the 2017 World Series — a 13 to 12 10-inning beautiful monstrosity of a fifth game — was due to pitchers like Peacock having to throw 39 pitches two days after flinging 53 in his 3.2 IP save. Just like that, #bullpenning was #garbage.

We are now older and wiser than back in 2014, and heck, even from this past Sunday night. The Astros bailed on their organization-wide strategy three years ago in part because their pitchers complained of fatigue. The problem was they employed four pairs of hurlers. Ideally, you would have five pairs. The issue there is who has ten pitchers worthy to face a lineup twice? Who is deep enough where each starter is probably better the first time through an opposing lineup than every other starter’s third time?

Yes friends: It just might be the Mets.

“I am very aware that there are a ton of things that can be implemented to keep pitchers healthy. Whatever those might be, might need to be for those individuals, we’ll implement those things.” — Mickey Callaway

An alteration of what the Astros tried to do would fit with the Mets’ current pitching staff, filled with big talent but more question marks than Matthew Lesko’s suit. I humbly propose we leave Jacob deGrom and Noah Syndergaard alone, because Jacob deGrom is Jacob deGrom and Noah Syndergaard is Noah Syndergaard. But Matt Harvey, Steven Matz, Zack Wheeler, Seth Lugo, Robert Gsellman, and Rafael Montero are all best suited to throw a maximum of roughly 75 pitches each start because of their injury histories and lack of consistently good, lengthy performances.

Starting rotation:

1 Jacob deGrom

2 Noah Syndergaard

3 Matt Harvey & Seth Lugo

4 Steven Matz & Zack Wheeler

5 Robert Gsellman & Rafael Montero

Okay, you’re absolutely right: something does not look right. Ideally, the Mets would sign Yu Darvish and a Jake Arrieta with an attitude adjustment, but the rumors are they are decreasing their payroll. So this is much more likely:

Starting rotation:

1 Jacob deGrom

2 Noah Syndergaard

3 Matt Harvey & Seth Lugo

4 Steven Matz & Zack Wheeler

5 Robert Gsellman & not Rafael Montero but Ubaldo Jimenez (Callaway is the Ubaldo Whisperer) or, I dunno, Lance Lynn?

Bullpen: Jeurys Familia, AJ Ramos, Jerry Blevins, Paul Sewald, Chasen Bradford or Hansel Robles (A five man bullpen brings the total number of pitchers to 13 on the 25-man roster. A manager should be able to work with four bench players.)

Let’s do the math: The Mets faced 6,378 batters in 2017, an average of 39.37 batters a game, or about four turns through the order plus the other team’s presumably top four batters for a fifth time. The Mets threw 24,911 pitches, which comes out to 153.77 pitches a game, so having one starter work 18 batters or go up to 75 pitches, whichever comes first, and the second doing the same, plus Familia to close things out at the end should work and keep everybody fresh and happy all season long. If the first starter just doesn’t have it, Callaway should not be afraid to go to the bullpen early in the game, since the Mets gave up the most runs last season in the first and fifth innings, and he will have a pitcher coming in after to eat multiple innings anyway. (Also, the second starters would probably desire a “clean inning” — starting an inning with nobody on base.)

There’s a theory going around saying starting pitchers are human beings who are set in their ways. Good for them. They are also all fairly smart individuals, so whoever the second starter is should be able to figure out when to start warming up based on where in the lineup the opposing team is operating. There will no doubt be more whining, so I have written up some responses for Mickey Callaway to use, free of charge:

Oh, you must have me confused with your old boss. I am in charge, not you. *Pretending to cry for an uncomfortably long time* That is you that is what you sound like. I know you are pitching well. The thing is, you are about to not pitch so well. Haven’t you seen Seinfeld? It is always best to leave on a high note, like George Costanza in just one episode for whatever reason. You care about your personal record? Matt Harvey is 34–35 in his career, and he did not always stink.

If you’re talking to Matt Harvey:

You are better than arguing over such trivial matters. Let us hug it out.

I don’t know you. Maybe you like it when Steven Matz labors in the fifth inning, only to hand the ball off to Hansel Robles to face the cleanup hitter and point to a grand slam. You are a strange cat but I respect the right for you to have the freedom to think it. Personally, it is not a future I desire to see, and it is a future which is much more likely to happen if the Mets continue to think within the box.

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