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Fishing for nothing, Sean’s uncle the spy, finding places to bang, reality news, the crass anachronism of judgement, the final Tim Changzzzzz pitch, unisex names, an announcement from the Science Justice Warrior, a vacation with children, LEGO men, turn stealing, apology tours, Joel Chaco’s beef with me, littering and, more of Tammy’s Laugh Therapy, auctioning school, hell is other people, handicap french fries, Maxwell The Silver Hammer’s pregnancy scare, and trivia to pull your teeth; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Not many people know this, but King Midas had a brother named Duke Not-Dick. He’s not as well known as Midas, but Duke Not-Dick had a similar magical power. Instead of touching things and turning them to gold, any place that Duke Not-Dick entered would magically turn into somewhere you could bang in. Isn’t that incredible? Duke Not-Dick would take a girl into a crowded theater and and boom, there would be a fire drill or some shit–or it would have a secluded and romantic telephone booth like in Mad Men. Duke Not-Dick would slide into a car with a girl and the center console would magically disappear and no seat belts would jam up your ass and also the upholstery would have one of those plastic covers like at an old lady’s house so you wouldn’t be thinking of accidentally getting semen on them and then you’re basically stuck with a semen stain in your car forever. When Duke Not-Dick went on vacation with his family and he went upstairs and locked the door to get it on with his girlfriend, the lock on the door would actually magically work instead of not working at all when his mom walked in for no reason. Of course, I wouldn’t know what any of that’s like, because that guy is not Dick.

When I try to find a place to bang, a soccer game suddenly breaks out around my car, or a police helicopter turns their spotlight in my bedroom window for an hour, or a disco pirate ship appears out of nowhere, or a park ranger is walking around knocking on tents at seven in the morning checking for trash, or my mom just pops out of nowhere like in Super Mario Brothers when you didn’t think there was any bad guys in that tube, but you didn’t wait long enough, and then you got surprised. Surprise! Your erection is dead.

I propose an Uber-like service that can be banged in. Call it Uber XXX, where a guy shows up to wherever you are with a trailer and a high-five. I’m embracing the sharing economy.

Madcucks calls in from his new co-host spot on Here’s What I Don’t Get and gives his take on the recent Joel Chaco Goss. It’s a good show. I listened to their next episode today on a livestream.

/u/Copperman gives Nope.wmv a run for his (her, or maybe even xer?) money with the cutest representation of The Dick Show cast yet in the form of Dick Show Minifigs. People have been asking me where they can buy these little guys, but don’t think it’s possible. There are too many custom parts, the small face for example, and the enormous LEGO penis–ON MY GUY.

Grant Mooney, creator of one of the best and funniest covers to come out of the Biggest Problem in the Universe calls in to present his final work, a super-cut of each time his Titanic parody cover was played on the old show that’s 40 minutes long.



Thanks to Jim Schmatz for the sick collection of Dickles and Adam Nash shirts, and the Adam Nash decoy shirt in case a set of sticky fingers finds Sean’s precious v-neck again.

And thanks to Shelby Durham who sent in this selection of whiskeys a long time ago that I’ve kept in front of me ever since like Homer’s “DO IT FOR HER” sign. Don’t worry, I already figured out which one was poisoned.

Outro by A Stuttering Ghost.

Dick Show (Theme Song) by A Stuttering Ghost

And here’s the Facebook post that got me banned from Facebook for a day. I’m just reposting shit they posted! If you know why this got me banned, please let me know! And if Jess is reading this post, I’ll buy all the transcripts you’re making for half-price. Just don’t let your boyfriend negotiate that down or he’ll end up paying thirty grand just to give them to me.

Isn't that weird that they never had any parents in The Matrix? — Dick Out of Context (@dickOOC) June 4, 2017

Thumbnail you can’t wait for by Nope.wmv



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