Simpler times Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Even if you don’t follow politics, you’ve probably heard that those charged with assembling talent for The Leader’s installation on January 20th have not had much luck: After several high-profile refusals, they have thus far engaged only the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Rockettes, and TV talent show winner Jackie Evancho.

It may seem a small thing to you and other normal people. The performances by Bruce Springsteen, Beyoncé, and other big names at Obama’s inaugurations were nice, but certainly not the main attraction.

Yet rightbloggers, whenever they talk about the celeb shortfall, become extremely agitated. Though they are about to assume complete control of the federal government, it seems that as long as someone in this great land of ours isn’t kissing their ass, they can’t be happy.

Since shortly after The Leader’s victory, a team of showbiz experts has been working to sign up appropriately boldface-name performers for his inauguration. But Garth Brooks fell through, as did Celine Dion, as did (despite an erroneous report from The Leader’s team) Elton John. This pattern prevailed until the press was talking less about who might perform at the event and more about who had already declined to do so, and soon Alec Baldwin was trolling The Leader with an offer to perform an AC/DC song.

The Leader was peeved and, as is his wont, issued an I Know You Are But What Am I statement via Twitter (“The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all wanting tixs to the inauguration…”) while inauguration producer Mark Burnett shook up his team and scoured the agencies.

And, for reasons that might be better described by their psychoanalysts, conservative writers who had spent the previous six weeks gloating over The Leader’s victory began to act as if they had instead lost everything, and lashed out in inchoate rage.

“The list of A-list talent refusing to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration is a glaring reminder of how for celebrities, their preening and posturing over their high-toned moral positions supersedes their burning desire to be noticed by the public,” seethed Hank Berrien at the Daily Wire.

“It’s being claimed that Elton John, Garth Brooks and Andrea Bocelli have all refused to perform, but I’ve yet to see confirmation that anyone actually asked them,” huffed Jazz Shaw at Hot Air.

At RedState, Jay Caruso sputtered:

Most of these jackwagons were prancing around with their “I’m With Her” apparel and busily planning what they were going to sing when Hillary’s ascendancy to the Oval Office was complete… The Hollywood elite lined up in droves to defeat Trump, with Hillary cackling along. The concert in Cleveland with Jay-Z, Beyonce and an appearance by Lebron James worked wonders for her, didn’t it? Trump supporters show up by the tens of thousands at his rallies even after being elected. Does anybody believe people are not going to show up because Katy Perry or Madonna won’t be performing? They don’t care.

There, he showed them.

And the insolences didn’t stop there. Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich suggested that several famous musicians hold a big concert in Miami that same day, and rumors circulated that such an event was being planned.

Highly speculative, that, and something you’d think could be easily ignored by gracious winners.

“Some of the most famous libtard singers on the planet such as, Beyonce, Madonna, Elton John, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga are all planning the most pathetic attempt at sabotaging President Trump’s inauguration,” snarled Richard Smith at Conservative101. “Crybaby celebs plan to make Inauguration Day all about themselves with protest concert to rival Trump,” headlined BizPacReview. “You know what, this is just like the Democrats to plan something like this,” moped Danny Gold at Liberty Writers News.

Some made the best of a bad situation — wait, did I say bad? I meant terrific, the best!

“Trump Just Brought CLASS Back to the Inauguration With BEST Musical Guest Ever,” reported Supreme Patriot. “Donald Trump knows that in order to Make America Great Again there has to be some attention to detail. He’s just reinstated one missing detail patriots are thrilled about. Donald Trump has invited to his inauguration a musical guest that hasn’t been there since 2001, namely the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.” And you thought Phil Collins’s comeback tour was big!

“The inauguration of a president who has vowed to unite a fractured nation and restore its greatness will feature two iconic acts that represent excellence in two very different parts of America’s musical culture,” said Western Journalism, referring to the Choir and the Rockettes. “OUT WITH THE TRASH/WELCOME BACK CLASS!” cried Freedom Daily over pictures of Katy Perry and Beyoncé.

The one bright spot for enraged rightbloggers was the objection of Rockette Phoebe Pearl because she and her union at first thought she’d be compelled to perform at the inauguration, notwithstanding her loathing of The Leader. (It was later clarified that only volunteer Rockettes would be sent to Washington.)

Why would that be a bright spot? Think how the prospect of a Trump-hating young woman from New York City being forced to perform or lose her job must excite people like them.

“As far as The Rockettes go, if some dancers are too precious and distressed to perform at this extraordinary event for our next president — then there are plenty of others who seem ready and willing to jump at the chance,” wrote Zachary Leeman at Laura Ingraham’s LifeZette, adding for Stalinist effect that “artists and performers shouldn’t avoid or balk at the individual who will occupy the highest office in the land. They should embrace the new president and his team.”

“In the end, we wish Phoebe the best of luck with her political protest and Rockette career,” said Tyler Durden at Zero Hedge. “We’re sure all of those Midwesterners who visit New York City by the 1,000s every Christmas won’t hold it against you.” Cue the doxing Trump fans and watch the rape threats fly!

“The individual dancer who objected is still free to exercise her free-speech rights — just as long as she is aware that such an exercise has consequences,” said Rick Moran, rubbing himself, at PJ Media. (Other Twitter firing fantasies were collected at The Wrap.)

“Entitled Rockette REFUSES To Perform At Trump Inauguration — Gets A NASTY Dose Of Reality,” grunted an understandably anonymous “MRC Editor” at the Media Resource Center blog, over a photo of the recalcitrant Rockette with Donald Trump photoshopped within pussy-grabbing proximity of her. “…one entitled Rockette spoke out to whine about how unfair it is that she was being forced to perform for Trump,” he continued throatily over the sound of skin on skin. “Unfortunately for her, however, she quickly learned she’d made a huge mistake. As a dancer for the Rockettes, Phoebe Pearl is used to having things her way as she shines in the spotlight…” As he ejaculated, MRC Editor cried, “SHARE this story if you think this loudmouth Rockette should SHUT UP and DO HER JOB on January 20!”

Other conservatives, instead of trying to enrage readers at the liberals who wouldn’t show up, tried to enrage them over the ones they claimed would.

“ISIS Declares War on Trump’s Inauguration Day Calling it ‘BLOODY FRIDAY'” cried TeaParty.org. “RED ALERT: Hordes of insane liberal insurgents are planning a frontal attack during the inauguration on January 20 in Washington D.C.! Listen up! I and many of the Tea Party leaders will be at the inauguration, and it is reported the liberal mob have specifically targeted conservative leaders…”

If you guessed that the only way to neutralize this threat was to send TeaParty.org money, congratulations, you’re either psychic or you’ve been reading this column awhile (“I must ask you to sponsor our Tea Party trip to Washington DC, secure our safety, which include bodyguards and safe passage back home. Can I count on you? To be honest we need over $49,700 to ensure our safety and reasonable travel expenses…”).

Things could still work out for the inaugural committee (the Beach Boys are still thinking about it), and if it doesn’t, Conservative Tribune has pointed the way to a solid Plan B: “Trump Cuts Inaugural Party Schedule to a Fraction of Obama’s So He Can Get To Work… It would seem that Trump simply doesn’t have time for that kind of partying, because he recognizes that there’s so much work to do, and he actually knows how to go about doing it.”

Young Conservatives put it even better: “Time to do away with the celebrity president and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.” Yeah, I know, guys, but face it: Irony’s even more dead than facts.

(Update, 12/27: What did I tell you? “Donald Trump’s inauguration is going to be ‘strictly traditional’ and the president-elect has no interest in courting big Hollywood stars or entertainers to hobnob or perform at the events, TMZ has learned.” Grapes just don’t come any more sour than that.)