The big white house with pillars at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW in Washington, D.C. is supposed to be the world’s most prestigious address. To Donald Trump , however, it is an old, drafty fixer-upper in a bad neighborhood in a city he doesn’t like and is proud not to really know.

Trump craves gold and marble; the White House has little of either. He loves homes that have been owned by the rich and famous; the White House is owned by the American people, who by definition are not Big League. He loves spreads with golf courses. True, Ike once had a putting green installed on the South Lawn, but there’s no room even for a straight par three hole out there: not Yuge. Most important, there is nothing about the White House that would impress the other man in Trump’s ― and the world’s ― most dangerous bromance, Vladimir Putin. What would Vlad think? What would Vlad want?