Tales from the dark side — a B&B (Illustration: Ryan McCullah)

Plenty of people dream about quitting their day job, buying that fixer-upper farmhouse, and opening a bed-and-breakfast. Those B&B owners seem so happy. Well, everything isn’t quite as idyllic as it seems. We got one set of innkeepers — “Bob and Emily” — to anonymously spill the beans on what really happens behind those perfectly painted shutters.

This week. Bob and Emliy reveal what they really think of your offspring — and guess what, it’s not good.

Do us a favor and leave the kids at home (Photo: Thinkstock)

We love our kids, but not yours. We allow kids because it’s a good revenue model for our location, but we’ve been dreaming of operating one of those 55 and older places since we were 40. A twentysomething brat once yelled at us, “You just don’t like young people here!” She was right. Humans between the ages of birth and 25 are simply annoying. Even our kids hate kids.

And could you please stop lying about how many rug rats you are bringing with you? We doubt that you forget about the toddler at tax time. The couple in room number four came to have sex. Neither of you wants to hear what the other is doing in the wee hours. Tell us about your children and we won’t put you in room number five.

You lie about having kids because you want to avoid extra fees, but guess what? You deserve every cent of those fees. The charges are for cleaning up the disgusting messes your kids make. They leave gummy bears in the chair cushions and sticky stuff on every surface.

Related: “We Can’t Stand You” and Other Confessions of a B&B Owner

Are you peeing in my yard? (Photo: Thinkstock)

And kids pee wherever they please, even the teenagers. We have found that shouting the words, “Are you peeing in my yard?” accomplishes both the end of the offense and the hasty departure of the offender. In one such case, our oldest daughter reported that she had seen a group of older boys at one of the partially secluded picnic tables near the back of our property. We went to investigate. As we approached the group under cover of darkness, the situation became clear. Two young girls were the center of a drinking party, no mother in sight, just peeing boy and his buddies. It took intervention from a deputy sheriff to determine that the mother had never intended to stay on the property. She was just letting the girls have a party in a “safe environment” while she partied elsewhere.

Story continues

The thing we hate most about your kids is actually you. Party Mom may sound like a terrible parent to you, but she is closer to normal than you think. Lack of parental attention is appalling. News flash: parenting doesn’t stop while you take a little vacay. We aren’t babysitters and you aren’t paying us enough to deal with the things your kids do when you aren’t looking.

Please don’t kick the goats (photo: Thinkstock)

Goat kicking is not a sport. Our youngest daughter once witnessed a 10-year-old boy walk up to one of our sweet nanny goats and wallop her in the side. The parents were asked to gather their things and leave the property. Thirty minutes later the mother stormed into our office, slammed a piece of paper on the counter, and left without word. As the family van pulled away we noticed the boy in the back window flipping us the finger. The note from the mother was a full page about her “animal-loving angel” who would never have done such a thing.

Related: Watch Out: Your Innkeeper is Spying on You and Other Confessions of a B&B Owner

Caught ya! (Photo: Thinkstock)

Wayward teens will be returned to their parents. We’ve caught them snooping around other people’s cars, smoking in the bushes, and climbing the pool fence. One incident really scared us. Four teens, a handful of younger kids, and a 3-year-old were in the pool at 2 a.m. while their drunken parents partied on the opposite side of the property. That’s parenting at its finest.

Put down the matches (Photo: Thinkstock)

Kids really scare us. Even responsible teens should be supervised if there is a fire involved. They simply do not have sound enough judgment to handle a campfire gone bad. Oh wait, you probably don’t either.

Related: How to Travel With Your Sullen Teenager (And Keep Them Off the iPhone)

Your pack will be sent packing (Photo: By Thinkstock)

Kids have a pack mentality. Put a dozen of them together without proper supervision and things get ugly. We firmly believe that teams mean trouble. We know that you think team sports are character building activities for your kids. Good for you, but we’d appreciate it if your kids’ teams stayed in highway hotels, not here. We’ve had badly behaved baseball teams, stuck-up cheer squads, and delinquent gymnasts. Motocross kids are by far the worst. A neighboring lodging facility has banned all motocross families after an incident involving park benches disappearing into the lake.

Related: Confessions of a Fed Up Flight Attendant — the Worst People on the Plane

Don’t let your children drive the golf cart (Photo: Thinkstock)

Not all parents are oblivious to their trouble-makers. We once awoke to discover one of our housekeeping golf carts precariously perched on top of a four-foot-wide slab of rock. There were mysterious green leaves and twigs covering the dash and seat. The entire windshield was missing. After a bit of head scratching on our part, we noticed tire tracks leading from the rock to the front lawn of our family reunion building. The matriarch of the reunion staying for the weekend stepped onto the porch to find us studying the multitude of looping tracks in the grass. When she asked, we pointed at the golf cart. All she had to say to another family member was, “Round ‘em up.” She knew. The shattered pieces of windshield were eventually retrieved from the woods. We secretly hoped they had to hike through a patch of poison ivy to get them.

WATCH: White Trash Bed And Breakfast

Let Yahoo Travel inspire you every day. Hang out with us on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.