There is painting that sits above my bed. Every morning I use it to motivate me through the day. It’s sort of corny but I believe that this question, that I have to answer every morning gives me the energy to give 110 percent to the world. Now, I could not come up with a better title so it lays in plain sight.

Yeah.

So, let’s address that question: “Do you wanna be a bad ass?”

As someone who has survived the dramatic trauma of life and continues to advocate for vulnerable individuals whose current reality is pain, my only goal in life is to impact as many lives as possible. That is what a “bad ass” is to me and I strive to become closer to that every day. I still struggle with my own issues but I believe that sharing my stories and letting go of that pain is therapeutic in a sense.

I would call this chapter one but chapter one started a long time ago! I do not want this to be a remember and recall sort of thing but more of “this happened and this is what I think.” I don’t think this can even be organized into chapters. I’m curious now, how do people who have written memoirs write about their lives? There is always so much going on around us it could be hard to organize it.

Let’s start with today. The day before Thanksgiving.

“Thanksgiving Eve”?

I went to traffic court this morning to face a judge for two speeding tickets and other violations. It has been my 3rd reset and I could tell she was annoyed. She gave me another reset and I am to appear in two weeks. The reason I have another reset is because time.

Time is a fucking bitch.

I wish there was more time in the day to do more things.

Let’s go back a few months to where this began. I was coming home from work one day. It was about 1am and I tend to speed down the highway since there is no traffic. I was about to exit the ramp from the highway when I saw police lights in my rear-view mirror. I was scared because I never thought this would happen to me.

The officer approached me and I did the “good citizen” act where I leave both hands on the wheel and I say yes sir to everything. I remember the officer asked me to grab something and I don’t know why but I said “can I reach to the back to grab my backpack.” I sort of have this intimidation for police officers which is weird because I have multiple police friends and mentors. Anyways, he wrote me 4 violations.

Driving above the posted speed limit Driving at an unsafe speed Driving without a valid driver’s license Driving without valid insurance

Now, those violations might paint the picture of the irresponsible 17 year old who does not care for the safety of others but I completely want to defend myself. I bought the car with my own money, I pay for insurance, I pay for gas, I pay for everything. Being 17 years old doesn’t make me irresponsible but it does make me dumb.

Under the insurance that I have purchased I am not listed. Only my two parents. I do not remember if this was on purpose so I wouldn’t have to pay high premiums or because I simply mistaken myself.

Anyways, the invalid driver license thing was because all I had was completed 32+ driving in class lessons. That did not qualify me for a full driver’s license. After that I completed more driving and received my learners license which waived that citation.

Moving on to today, I was supposed to have insurance. I just received my learner’s license two weeks ago so that meant that I had 2 weeks to get insured. Well fuck. I am working two jobs and going to college full-time, starting a new job, I just got into a CAR ACCIDENT two days ago, my dad is falling into deep dementia stages, my mom is freaking out, I’m freaking out. There is just so much going on. With so little time.

I tend to pull out my planner that I only use when I have the breakdowns where I feel like I don’t have enough time to complete things. I have the next couple of months planned out. If one thing messes up, it may mess up my whole schedule. This is where being a “bad ass” comes in. I have to fight to get through the day. It starts at 5am where I have to run 3 miles for my kinesiology class. Then, I respond to caseworkers from work and other staff regarding work. I then… well I don’t know where my day goes. It feels like the sun is coming up then it flies to other side in an instant!

My major in school is social work. I finished high school at a young age and began college at a young age. I will graduate with my associates degree in may and continue my education at Texas A&M Commerce. I have already been admitted and I am so excited!

There is something that worries me though. I am planning to live on campus in the upperclassmen suites where you have a roommate. That means I will have to share a room with a guy. That is kind of scary. I am a gay 17 year old and I am scared that I might be bullied or shunned or something bad will happen because of that. I’m scared to tell the person that I match up that I am even gay. I think I am going to act as straight as possible.

Well thank you for reading! Please, leave a comment on how your “thanksgiving eve” went.

Talk to you later,

🙂