A new season is upon us. With that, we have a fresh batch of commercial campaigns to be worn by the masses for untold profits kits to digest and judge. Let’s do it.

A clean, traditional design. I like how the sponsor doesn’t interfere with the overall tone.

Rating: textured wallpaper.

Atalanta Away:

Do the kids still say fresh these days? If so, these are super-duper fresh. The alternative logo really makes it. Some may say they’re a tad boring, but I prefer to think of them as refined.

Rating: Golf.

A knitted collar! Knit Cuffs!! A slick design, with those cool accents. An absolute winner.

Rating: that third Oasis album.

Bologna Away:

The sash is solid. Moving from white to a grey textured look is a nice change-up.

Rating: A Domestiques who finished in the top-50 of the general classification.

So, so, so close to perfection. The white “V” is the gift that keeps on giving. The new look crest fits beautifully. The bank logo is a miss, and it’s a tad on the dark side.

Rating: Dave Chappelle’s latest special.

Brescia Away:

There are things that work on paper, and then there are those that work in reality. There was probably an awful lot of backslapping and glasses clinking in the Kappa offices when someone proposed inverting the colour scheme. But it just doesn’t quite work. The jagging grey V’s pull the eye away too much. The logo gets washed out.

Rating: living in Los Angeles.

Brescia Third:

Jeepers. Are the nipples supposed to be that prominent? This is probably the aftereffects of Kappa’s post-away-kit boozy lunch. Why is their blue and gold in the collar, but just gold in all of the other accents? What a mess.

Rating: Mick Jaggers vital organs circa ‘68

Caglari Home:

Too much going on. What am I supposed to focus on? What is Isola? Is the horse associated with it? Does the horse have agency? Is he looking back in jest or is he looking over his shoulder in fear? That seems important.

Rating: the plot of Big Little Lies Season Two

Caglari Away:

The horse is red now! What happened! What did you do to the horse, Isola?!? I can almost hear the tears of sorrow from the designer on this one. The background is gorgeous. Flittering colours, a breezy logo, symmetrical patterns on the sleeves and collar. Great! Then club went and dumped a turd in the middle. Yuck.

Rating: Coldplay.

Caglari Third:

Holy fuck balls! Somebody actually got paid to design and manufacture this monstrosity. Think about that for a minute or ten. Ideas were thought up. Story boards were created. Plans were signed off on. There was a chain of command. Money exchanged hands. Real, cash monies.

I envy the person who sat back, presumably took a long drag of a cigarette, and thought their work was done. Yeah *inhale* *exhale* this is it. Oh, to have such crappy standards.

Rating: Grandma’s curtains.

Someone, please, hold me. Who needs a thing like sponsors when you can have such a majestic design. I’ll take 60.

Rating: The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Fiorentina Away

There’s only one way to improve on perfection. Make it blue.

Rating: The Lord of the Rings trilogy on Blu-Ray

Generic. Bland. Seen it before; will see it again.

Rating: old-school Harley Quinn.

Genoa Away:

Now we’re getting frisky!

Rating: A ham and cheese bagel.

Genoa Third Kit:

I just need a couple of moments to recover. Thank you. One of the knockout designs of the year.

Rating: that first tickle of of a cold brew in a sun-baked beer garden.

Hallas Verona Home:

It’s hard to go wrong when you’re gifted with blue and yellow. A clean design that does an alright job of integrating a pair of pretty turgid sponsors.

Rating: A post-night out PB&J.

Hallas Verona Away:

We’ve got a little more going on here. The colours are inverted. The yellow pops, yet the blue draws it back a little. The horizontal lines shimmer. It all just works.

Rating: Lance Armstrong’s protocol.

Hallas Verona Third:

Do I love it? Do I hate it? Why can’t I stop looking at it? Why are the two mastiffs staring into my soul? Are the lines moving? Why am I rubbing my own thighs? Am I high?

It’s always nice to know that bullshit management terms like “Group Synergy” have infiltrated the beautiful Italian language, too.

Rating: The Proclaimers “500 Miles”.

Inter Home:

A spicy remix on a classic. Blue and black with white accents is tough to screw up.

Rating: The opening bars to Wonderwall.

Inter Away:

An instant classic. Possibly the best new kit in Europe this year. When your kit transcends your own fan-base and becomes a must have for all the hipsters in football bars across the globe, you’ve nailed it.

Rating: Paul Scholes pinging a volley.

I, umm, kind of like this — *ducks and runs for cover*

Rating: Beyonce.

Juventus Away:

The grey camouflage look spoils an otherwise interesting design.

Rating: Andy Carroll’s injury record.

Juventus Third:

Woof! I get it: you’ve got blue and silver. It’s supposed to be glamorous. It’s supposed to be sexy. But it just doesn’t work for me. A clean blue look with the silver: bingo. The wave/tree/camouflage/whatever is too galling.

Rating: Leo pretending he didn’t prep his Oscar speech.

This should fit the bill. It’s minimal. It’s got great colours, with a little bit of pizzaz to draw you in. But I just don’t get it.

Rating: Bob Dylan.

Lazio Away:

Holy Moly! What a beaut. And what a shame that it comes along the same year as the Inter away strip. Here’s a tip: grab your Lazio kit while the online mob fights it out over the mint green of Internazionale. You’ll be the person who heard the band before everyone else. And you’ll never let us forget it.

Rating: Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in The Hunger Games.

Lazio Third:

It feels like Macron gave up after nailing the away kit. All of the things that make the first one pop are there, but there’s a little soul missing. It’s too manufactured.

Rating: The Hobbit trilogy.

It’s as if Lecce doesn’t want the online world to share their latest kits. Finding an individual picture of any of the kits is a tough task. From the one promotion shot, we’ve got plenty of info. The blue number (away) has more than a ring of a classic Colombian/Ecuador/Nigeria World Cup outfit about it. It’s a beaut. The rest leave a little to be desired. The home kit is clean. The Third looks an afterthought.

Rating: Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.

Milan Home:

Same old, same old.

Rating: FIFA 20.

Milan Away:

Same old, same old. WAIT, are those stripes on the shoulders?!?!?! Colour me intrigued.

Rating: PES 20.

Milan Third:

Looks more like a training/warm-up top. A lot of noise, but I’m not sure there’s much there there.

Rating: Royal Weddings.

I am here for Korean collars in football kits. But this, unfortunately, is a misfire. Muddled, with a mineral water sponsor above a cruise line sponsor. Could we not have split them up a little or shown some inventiveness?

Rating: Ben Affleck as the Batman.

Napoli Away:

My God. My eyes. What have they done? What did Aurelio De La Laurentiis do? And why hasn’t he apologised properly yet?

Rating: The Twilight Saga.

Napoli Third:

The club’s best offering. The sky blue works well. Still poor.

Rating: Sir Alex Ferguson’s first autobiography.

If you don’t like Parma’s traditional look you probably had no friends in school.

Rating: Non-IPA drinkers.

Parma Away:

If you like Parma’s non-traditional look you probably spend all your time at the bar telling people how society is all a construct, man.

Rating: IPA-Drinkers.

Roma Home:

I have a confession to make: I like the lightning bolts! There, I said it. It feels good to get it off my chest.

Rating: Pretty Woman.

Roma Away:

I know I should hate this. Every fibre of my being is telling be it’s is a high school graphic design class gone wrong – someone clicked on click art, hit the first thing they saw and wrapped up their day. But there’s just something enchanting about it. I like it. The team’s third kit is due out any time soon. If the leaks are to be believed, it’s going to be extra spicy.

Rating: I am the egg men, they are the egg men, I am the walrus.

SPAL Home:

A time-honoured classic. They could run this thing back every year and it would always work.

Rating: A Lebron-vs-MJ debate.

SPAL Away:

I once frequented a nightclub in Singapore known as Four Floors of Hors (see what they did at the end there). If I had worn this, I’d probably have fit in more.

Yes, it’s as you’re imagining it.

Rating: An ex-pat escaping alimony payments.

It’s really hard to mess up a Samp strip. They might have the best logo in all of sports, and the colours are tailor-made to be a visionary delight. But this year’s entire collection is a miss fire. Everything is oh-so-close, starting with the home kit.

Rating: Australia.

Sampdoria Away:

Just how high were the people who designed this, umm, thing? Why is it so long? Is it supposed to have a train to the pubic region? Bizarre.

Rating: Post-Beatles McCartney

Sampdoria Third:

The only Samp offer that encroaches upon OK-ness. But the two tonality is a dud. Just keep it as one, with the white and blue stripe running through the middle. And why are the manufacturer logo and sponsor logos asymmetrical?

Rating: Early-era Bieber.

The stripe is no more! Instead, Sassuolo have opted for a gradient look. It’s funky and it works.

Rating: Apple and mango strudel.

Sassuolo Away:

Love it. The Bold, block, italic sponsor leaps out of the screen. It’s not intrusive, either; it completes the look. Finding the perfect mix of football romanticism and cynical economics isn’t easy (hello, Napoli). This is perfect.

Rating: Henrik Larsson-era Scottish football.

Sassuolo Third:

The less said about this the better.

Rating: Game of Thrones season eight.

Torino Home and Away:

This was a tough task for kit manufacturer Joma. They had to squeeze two sponsors onto one of the most distinctive looks in Italian football. The white works a little better with the twin sponsorship, but it doesn’t live up to its potential. Everything almost works, but it doesn’t quite get there.

Rating: Lionel Richie.

Torino Third:

Couldn’t we have just split the home and away-plus-third kits between Beretta and Suzuki?

Rating: Penny Hardaway.

I don’t hate them. Something isn’t right, but I can’t pinpoint it. Is the middle part too tall? Should the stripes continue onto the shoulder?

Rating: Game of Thrones season seven.

Udinese Away:

An absolute firecracker. In your face. Unrelenting. Either loved or hated.

Rating: A horse loose in the hospital.

Udinese Third:

A masterpiece. Steel grey with nods to orange. Sign me up. The collar completes the look.

Rating: Titanic.