You might think Christmas would be considered by feminists to be a terribly problematic holiday, full of toxic masculinity and patriarchy — they think this about every holiday — but actually they love Christmas, because it’s a day dedicated to receiving gifts. And what does third-wave radical feminism stand for, if not material greed?

The ultimate Christmas song about greed is Santa Baby, but the problem with that tune is the stunning and brave feminist singing doesn’t actually get any of her wishes fulfilled by cruel Father Christmas, who must be too busy keeping women out of STEM fields to fulfil her reasonable request for the deed to a platinum mine.

Therefore, the ultimate feminist Christmas song might be The Twelve Days of Christmas. We need to make some edits to the song, because the last thing we want our feminist Christmas carol to do is to leave these strong independent women shaking and crying by triggering them with words.

For example, we can’t refer to “true love” as the gift giver since that implies a cisnormative and oppressive system, and besides love is a social construct. We will instead refer to the gift giver as “devoted beta,” since male feminists are primarily made up of beta orbiters.

The next thing we have to consider is updating the gifts received in the song. Feminists prefer their gifts to be useful and valuable — only their ideology should be pointless and mostly symbolic. Therefore allow me to present to you the Milo Yiannopoulos feminist reboot of the Twelve Gifts. We’re going to lose some of the flow of the lyrics, but when has completely crapping up a tradition been a concern for third wave harpies?

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

What is this gift even good for? A tree needs tending and sunlight, and a bird is going to make a racket and shit all over everything. Talk about stealing a feminist’s thunder! We’re going to replace this pointless gift with the daily necessity of third wavers, a mocha and a handful of biscotti.

Two Turtle Doves

A symbolic gesture of peace. Ugh. Who has time for that? It’s 2015, and friends think it’s OK to “gift” animals? A better gift would be to pull strings with friends at Twitter to arrange Two Twitter bans.

Three French Hens

Ugh, this is like TOTALLY implying the feminist in your life is cheating on her vegan diet with eggs. On some college campuses this would get you suspended for diet rape. Since the original song mentions the French, our lyric should focus on the new French, also known as Muslim immigrants. Therefore the beta paramour will take the feminist to Three Israel protests.

Four Calling Birds

This is one of the most accurate original gifts, feminists cannot operate without a chattering class that incessantly agrees with them and abuses adjectives like “stunning”, “brave”, and “strong” in describing them. Calling birds still don’t make the cut, though, because they sound prettier than any feminist and will steal the spotlight. The revised fourth gift will be Four sympathetic Buzzfeed listicles.

Five Golden Rings

The standout gift as traditionally sung is a gift of wealth, but rings have that pesky cloud of patriarchy hanging over them. It is crucial that our update keeps the focus on wealth, so our modern version will be Five Patreon donations.

Six Geese a-Laying

As noted above, we can’t have any hint of egg protein in the diet. Also this number of geese sounds suspiciously like a commercial operation involving the dreaded c-word. (Capitalism! For Heaven’s sake, keep your minds out of the gutter.) We’ll replace it with something much more important to feminism: Six Tumblr reblogs.

Seven Swans a-Swimming

Where would the original recipient keep all these godforsaken birds? Feminists live in economy flats in San Francisco, they don’t have ponds available to keep a flock of swans in, and also swans are pretty enough to send any fragile feminist on a cutting spree. Perhaps instead of more birds they will receive decoration they actually desire, Seven facial piercings.

Eight Maids a-Milking

Not only is this one capitalistic, but it involves women laboring, no doubt with a severe wage gap as compared to male milkers. Feminists do milk things, but mostly only drama for their own enrichment. To stay with that theme, the beta orbiter will offer Eight fake harassments.

Nine Ladies Dancing

This is another of the original gifts that is quite close to what a modern feminist would desire. The problem is that any hint of sex positivity sends them scurrying to the nearest safe space. This gift is also problematic for being seemingly focused on white women. To make this gift inclusive and welcoming to all we will specify Nine transracial genderfluid otherkins swaying gently in the breeze.

Ten Lords a-Leaping

This gift is completely unacceptable, it implies men leap better than women. Radical feminists believe men and women are physically identical beyond genitalia and that biology is a social construct. In fact college radical feminists will argue that the sky is green and that the colour blue raped them, if their professors say so. This pretzel logic inspires our updated tenth gift, Ten leaps of logic.

Eleven Pipers Piping.

Feminists don’t need more piping, they already have the Pied Piper of radical feminism playing a tune for them about how white men are to blame for everything. But all humans, including feminists, love music, so we want to keep the song element as a gift (until sonic rape is a thing). To that end we will share the gift of Eleven feminists singing, as beautifully demonstrated below.

Twelve Drummers Drumming.

Drumming is an awful racket which is almost as useful for drowning out speakers you don’t like as pulling a fire alarm, but honestly feminists already have the useless noise thing down pat. What a gender studies graduate needs more than anything is help with her student loans since daddy might stop paying for her degree, so the ultimate way for a pathetic beta loser to virtue signal is twelve student loan payments.

Please join me in celebrating the Christmas season with this revised carol. You are welcome to record yourself singing and share it with me on Twitter. The best renditions will earn my favour. What better Christmas gift could there be than that?