Ivanka Ends Stepford Wives Fashion Line, Citing “Final Metamorphosis Is Complete”

Jul 25, 2018

Ivanka Trump has shut down her highly-successful fashion company.



"When we first started this brand, no one could have predicted the success that we would achieve,” said the carefully poised mogul in a prepared statement. “Final metamorphosis is complete.”

Ivanka’s company began with humble roots, making clothing for women in the quiet town of Stepford. Sales were perfect—maybe a little too perfect. Ivanka’s motifs seamlessly fit the modern woman’s balance of home, office, and devotion to their husbands’s needs.

Quickly the line spread from town to town. There seemed to be something magical to the clothing. As if it wasn’t just a sexy outfit made of polyester, but magic wrap full of chemicals that penetrated the skin, seeped through the blood, and transformed its wearer into the modern Stepford Wife.

And who is this Modern Stepford Wife? On the surface she is a shining example of American womanhood: mother and entrepreneur, one who glamorously juggles baby and briefcase while wearing stilettos embroidered with her own namesake.



And that’s all the feminism you’ll get out of this line, for the chemicals in the blood have quickly subdued the cerebral cortex and have begun to calcify the pineal gland. The Ivanka wearer will tactfully avoid taking nuanced opinions over such topics as Planned Parenthood, #MeToo, and the classist and sexist nature inherent in various forms of glass ceilings.

Instead she’ll slap a #WomenWhoWork hashtag over it and flex her bicep like Rosie the Riveter—for the brand has now succeeded upon the surface. Final Metamorphosis is complete. Pretty butterfly, hollow cocoon.

It’s a kind of metamorphosis that encourages women to overlook a man’s worst characteristics while faulting women over the crudest of rumors. Ivanka’s dad will get the vote and Ivanka herself will get your purse.

It’s a kind of fashion line that preserves the core structure of the old boy club while convincing its women to think they are subjects and behave like objects.

Congrats, Ivanka. You’ve inspired millions. We bid you a long farewell.