Internet Punk Calls Himself Out Just to Be Safe

BATON ROUGE, La. — Internet savvy punk Jody Tucker called himself out this morning “just to be safe” for a blog post that could be possibly, maybe viewed as offensive, long-worded internet records confirmed.

“Anyone who knows me knows I’m a great ally,” Tucker said on his personal Tumblr account. “I mean, a good ally. An ally. I mean, if you agree. Whatever. I’m trying really hard not to diminish the struggles of less privileged people who have to try even harder than me just to get by.”

Tucker took it upon himself to then clarify his post for anyone unfortunate enough to be in earshot.

“I have no malice in my heart — other than my internalized racism and misogyny, of course — but I still want to apologize, just in case, for all the gendered language I’ve used in the past,” said Tucker. “When I said the latest Iron Chic record was ‘the tits,’ I only meant to say that it was good: not to objectify woman’s breasts. Or man’s breasts. Or any person’s breasts.”

The possibly offensive post in question, which received two favorites and zero shares, was posted roughly four minutes prior to Tucker’s apology post.

“I thought about just deleting the post,” Tucker admitted privately while debating whether or not to cross the street to avoid a group of teens. “But as the saying goes: if we ignore the mistakes of our past, we are bound to repeat them and get called out anyway.”

Many in the Tumblr community believe the call out is too little, too late.

“The Tumblr community has united once again to review a so-called apology. After digging through eight years of posts, it is clear Jody is far more problematic than he could ever imagine,” said Tumblr user MrAwesomePants. “There are multiple 30 Rock gifs from 2012 with no apology, despite Tina Fey being one of history’s greatest monsters.”

At press time, Tucker could not be reached for comment, as he was tirelessly working on an apology post to apologize for his latest apology post.