Shashi Tharoor is rumoured to be good at just one thing and that’s expressing himself in English. Well, that and …

And yet, Tharoor finds himself in a soup every other day, issuing apologies and/or clarifications about what he said and what he really meant. I am starting to think that Tharoor is not even that good at English. Where does that leave him?

Well, he will always have …

Anyways, I digress.

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While Tharoor’s words might have failed him, his initiative to start certifying “good Hindus” and “bad Hindus” appears to be a high-minded one and I intend to take it further. Finding myself a little short on English prose and its many abstractions, I have devised a brief quiz to try and bring some objectivity to the certification process. Score yourself and find out if you might be a “bad Hindu”.

(A) As a Hindu, which of these do you prefer most?

(1) A mosque only at Ram Janmabhoomi (0 points)

(2) A mosque and a temple at Ram Janmabhoomi (5 points)

(3) A temple only at Ram Janmabhoomi (10 points)

(B) According to you, a good Muslim would support

(1) A mosque only at Ram Janmabhoomi (0 points)

(2) A mosque and a temple at Ram Janmabhoomi (5 points)

(3) A temple only at Ram Janmabhoomi (10 points)

(C) How do you feel about Rohingya Muslims from Myanmar?

(1) Integral to India (0 points)

(2) Can live here temporarily (5 points)

(3) Should be sent back immediately (10 points)

(D) How do you feel about Aryans in India?

(1) Foreign invaders! (0 points)

(2) Outsiders in India but sort of OK nowadays (5 points)

(3) Integral to India (10 points)

(E) According to you, Aligarh Muslim University should be:

(1) Government-funded Muslim institution (0 points)

(2) Either govt funded secular institution or private Muslim institution, but not both (5 points)

(3) A secular institution funded by the government (10 points).

(F) According to you, Sabarimala Temple should be:

(1) Funded by Hindus but owned by the government (0 points)

(2) Funded and owned by the government (5 points)

(3) Funded and owned by Hindus (10 points)

(G) What’s the first thought that comes to your mind when you hear about Diwali and Holi?

(1) Sexual harassment (0 points)

(2) Environmental Pollution (5 points)

(3) Fun and festivity (10 points)

(H) How do you feel when you hear Azaan on loudspeakers?

(1) Spiritually uplifted (0 points)

(2) Calm and peaceful (5 points)

(3) They should stop Azaan on loudspeaker (10 points)

(I) According to you, Internet Hindus must be:

(1) Thrown in jail (0 points)

(2) Suspended by Twitter/Facebook (5 points)

(3) Allowed to speak (10 points)

(J) According to you, students who raise Azaadi slogans should be

(1) Given scholarship on public money (0 points)

(2) Allowed to have their say (5 points)

(3) Thrown in jail (10 points)

(K) How many days should Kerala govt have waited before arresting Bishop Franco Mulakkal?

(1) He should not have been arrested (0 points)

(2) At least 80-100 days (5 points)

(3) He should have been arrested immediately (10 points)

(L) How many years should Narendra Modi serve in jail for tweets by people he follows on Twitter?

(1) At least a life sentence (0 points)

(2) 2-5 years (5 points)

(3) Modi is not responsible for tweets of other people (10 points)

(M) Suppose that in Varanasi, a man called Ahmed gets hit by a car. The name of the driver is Ramnath Pandey. How should this story be reported?

(1) In temple town, upper caste Hindu hits Muslim man (0 points)

(2) Accident happens in temple town (5 points)

(3) Pedestrian gets hurt in Varanasi accident (10 points)

(N) Four men sitting in jail on charges of being SIMI terrorists try to escape. Madhya Pradesh police shoot them dead. How should this be reported?

(1) Four Muslims murdered by Madhya Pradesh police (0 points)

(2) Four alleged SIMI terrorists killed in police encounter (5 points)

(3) Madhya Pradesh police kill 4 SIMI terrorists (10 points)

(O) An eminent journalist is accused of sexual harassment; slobbering all over the face of an intern several decades ago. How should this story be reported?

(1) RW trolls target eminent journalist’s family over sexual harassment charges (0 points)

(2) This should not be reported (5 points)

(3) Eminent journalist accused of sexual harassment (10 points)

All done? Awesome! Let’s find out how you did.

100-150: Bad Hindu! You are undoubtedly among the very worst. You are communal, racist, sexist and bigoted, a blot on society. You care neither for the environment nor for oppressed Muslims everywhere. Try spending 6 months in a Muslim majority country of your choice to learn some tolerance and improve your life.

50-100: You have some evil tendencies, but all is not lost. Yet. You should take an intensive course on Shashi Tharoor’s book to learn how to become a good Hindu.

5-50: Good Hindu! You are a gift of God to this earth. And to the Congress Party. Like all human beings, you have some failings, but you are clearly trying to be the very best. You are well and truly on the path to becoming a real Janeudhari Shiv Bhakt.

0: Thank you for playing Rahul ji. It was my honour.