My brother went to university for four years; my parents paid much of the cost, to the tune of about $40,000. A few years later, he got married; they had a small, private ceremony, and my parents paid five grand for the dinner. I skipped university and became a cosmetician; I’ve been successful and now run my own business. I plan to get married next year; we have lots of friends, and the reception will cost about $25,000. I’ve asked my parents to pay for it, arguing that, seeing they didn’t have to pay for my university, the amount is quite reasonable. They’re refusing, saying that the decision to skip university was mine; they’re offering the same $5,000 they gave my brother. Now we’re not speaking to each other. Who’s wrong?

You are. 101 per cent.

I want you to think back, waaaaay back, to when you were six. Mommy made a lovely supper: meat loaf, potatoes, and peas. Peas?!? Yuck! No way you were going to eat peas — they were green and squishy; they were gross. But your brother, the big suck, ate all of his — every last one. Mommy was very pleased with him, ticked off with you.

Then it was time for dessert. Mommy — being a wise woman who refused to use food as punishment — served you each an equal portion of yummy chocolate cake. But you weren’t satisfied, were you? “Wait,” you chimed belligerently, “I deserve TWO pieces of cake!” “What?” replied your bewildered mother. “Well,” you explained with precocious eloquence, “you didn’t have to spend money on peas, so I should get more cake to even things up!”

Remember? Of course you don’t — because you weren’t that stupid back when you were six. You didn’t deserve dessert at all, so were darned glad to get that cake and knew better than to complain.

So why are you being so dumb now?

Your parents offered to pay for post-secondary education, and your brother took them up on it. Four years later, with a degree in creative arts, he’s now serving in a dead-chicken restaurant making fifty bucks a night. You, on the other hand, pushed the university offer off to the side, went straight into the workforce, and made enough money to buy the restaurant he now works in. Life is often served with a side order of irony.

Your parents also offered to help pay for both of your weddings, to the tune of $5,000 each. Pretty terrific parents. But despite making a ton of money, and despite the fact that you’re being offered the same piece of the cake your brother got, you’re not satisfied. You want two pieces — five shares actually — because in your warped view of how families work, you actually think you deserve it.

You are being a spoiled brat. Mommy should send you to your room. So here’s what you need to do, before it’s too late. Apologize to your parents for your appalling behaviour. Plan a wedding you can afford. If your parents are still gracious enough to throw in a few bucks to help out, say “Thank you very much.”

And grow up.

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