WEDNESDAY: Okay so on November 14th 2Chainz had a concert in London. Two of the girls I work with were going and wanted me to come with. My boss actually offered to get me a ticket but I had to go to a play for class so I knew I wouldn’t get back in time. I didn’t get to see the concert but my boss decided to book the afterparty at our club, so 2chainz and his whole crew would be there after the show. Naturally, I was down to crash the afterparty.

I came with a bunch of people around 12 but it was already so packed my boss could only let me bring in two people. After deciding that my roommate and her sister would be the ones to come in we headed straight for the VIP section where 2chainz was. Lets just say that “we stood out.” Literally 3 little white faces in a sea of black people until I spotted my two coworkers in VIP. The owner of the club was in there too and luckily he recognized me and let me in since the one security guard had a personal fucking vendetta against me/didn’t believe I worked there/hates white gurlz~~

I weaseled my way to stand next to 2chainz table and was hanging out with everyone and drinking and looking white or whatever when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Its 2chainz, in his little bedazzled motorcycle Michael Jackson gloves.

He goes, “who you here wit”

“I work here, I’m with some of my coworkers.”

“k you cool.”

Then I turned back around and realized he probably was about to kick me out because I obviously didn’t belong back there. I turned back to him and was like by the way, I’m American like you- I go to school in North Philly by where meek mills used to live blah blah. And then he was eating that shit up, like “noo way, were you at the concert? Ohh ok good good stay in school. You got a car down here?” And I’m like wtf no why would I have a car in London? And he was like “What I’m trying to say is, how are you going to get to my hotel after?” So I’m all LOLss aFtErPaRtY ! And I remember he said something along the lines of “nahh we just chillen” or something like that. But what kind of rapper doesn’t have an after party? Amiright?!

Fast forward to the end—2chainz is getting rushed out by his posse and he says to my coworker and I “yeah yeah come to the K West hotel.” All these black chicks are like rushing the back door and trying to jump into his tourbus and my one coworker and my two friends just get in a cab and are like fuck it lets just go. In my drunken stupor I realize we don’t know a room number or anything like that soo this may be a huge fail. When we get to the hotel I pull my first “WTF IDIOT” move: I walk up to the first black guy I see and go “hey are you with 2chainz?”

(he wasn’t) No, just no.

Were waiting by the elevators for like 2 seconds with zero game plan when 2chainz and his crew just appear. 2chainz recognizes me and is like “yeah come on up” and I’m like “yeahh my coworker and two friends too right.” And hes all “nah just you” so then I thought for a split second before being like, well fuck it. And got in the elevator.

My coworker, Holly, got invited up by one of 2chainz crew so I was like okay this is good I’ll have at least one familiar face and we’ll chill and continue to get drunk or whatever. Except they split us up. So now it’s just me, in 2chainz room, really drunk, wondering where the afterparty is.

2chainz is like “yah so you wanna come in the shower with me.”

::nervous/uncomfortable laughter:: “nahh, I cant get my hair wet you know”

::points to his dreds:: “yeah me neither”

LOL. Thankfully he didn’t push the issue and disappeared into the bathroom and I did what any other normal white girl would do. I jumped on his bed, lurked through all of his stuff, and looked for something discrete enough to steal. Of course this was the one night that I didn’t bring my iphone out so I couldn’t even take photographic evidence of anything. He had about 7 pairs of designer sunglasses out on a table so I was trying them all on, tried turning his two iphones on but they were both dead, put on some of his hats and put on his bedazzled gloves and Beats headphones. Still waiting for Holly or hoards of black fangirls and his tour crew to come in. No one does.

After he comes out of the shower I’m like yeah so where actually is the afterparty, where is Holly. He explains that they’re literally leaving to drive to Germany in about 45 minutes. And then a little bit of sober, rational thought process gets through- my subconscious explains “There is no one else coming, he thinks youre up here to have sex with him, you need to leave NOW unless you want to come back to America with a plethora of STDs.”

I made a little bit of awkward small talk. B.O.A.T.S was written all over like, everything. Including the hat I had smack dab on top of my dumb, drunk little head.

“So, what does BOATS stand for?”

“….my album title, Based On A True Story. Some fan huh?”

I kid you not. That happened. I literally just nervous giggled my way out of that one onto some other random questions until he was literally like “I’m just a really private person I don’t want a bunch of random people up here, I just like to keep to myself.” I ended up basically saying that I couldn’t leave my friends any longer and had to find my coworker so I had to go. He was cool with it, tried to convince me to stay longer for like a second but when I was like I’m not hooking up with you he let it go. He had me write my phone number down, kissed me on the top of my head, and had his tour manager “collect” me to escort me downstairs. And at the last second he snatched his hat back. The tour manager took me downstairs to a lobby full of black girls that looked like they wanted to literally claw out my eyeballs, chop my hair off and burn me alive. The tour manager was really nice and said they had a long drive to Germany ahead and showed me where cabs in front of the hotel were.

I escaped unscathed, but with no evidence either which kinda sucks. My boss later explained that he probably wasn’t pushy with me because hes 36 years old (wtf, I thought he was like 26) and probably thought I was barely 18 so he wasn’t going to give me any possible way to twist it into a lawsuit. Thank God. But anyway, fuck what he said about not lying and what not because clearly he’s not only into “big booty hoes.” Little white girls make the cut too, ~N0 L1E~