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FOLLOWING the publishing of new statistics which suggest the UK is suffering from a shortage of sperm donors, Cavan native Eoghan Hand has volunteered to emigrate to London to make up for the shortfall.

The report from the British Fertility Society highlighted a drop in sperm donors since the 2005 abolition of the right to anonymity clause, leading the BFS to look to donors from abroad to replenish their stocks. It is estimated that one in four sperm samples in the UK have to be sourced from overseas, prompting Mr. Hand to move to London and “give them a dig out”.

“A 25% shortfall in sperm? Shure jaysus I could knock that out in a week” said Mr. Hand, a 38 year old bachelor from Virginia. “I always said there wasn’t a man in England at all, and this proves me right. They have to go looking overseas to make up a shortage? Shure I’ll go live with the brother in London for a while and sort them out. I do have a fierce gatherment on me most of the time, all they’d have to do is give me a shout and I’d tip in and strig it out for them on the spot”.

Although some experts have voiced concerns the clinics may start lowering their standards in order to attract donors through the door, Eoghan has assured WWN that he has a clean bill of health.

“Shure I do go to donate blood all the time hi” said the stay-at-home man.

“If there was anything wrong with me, they’d let me know, right? Besides, I can assure youse that I don’t have any of them sexually transmitted diseases – unless I gave them to myself!”

Experts have estimated that if Mr. Hand is successful, the UK should see a sharp increase in dour redheaded children with a dislike for spending money over the next ten years.