The Federal Budget is being announced tonight, and there's only one way to take it: drunk.

It’s Federal Budget night, and you know what that means – time to get drunk!

To make the Budget more bearable and ease the creeping sense of dread that our civilisation is doomed beyond any hope of rescue from the malign influence of rapacious corporatist tyrants and gluttonous pig-ignorant oligarchs, why not make this most momentous night of the fiscal calendar more interactive, festive and relaxing with Junkee’s budget drinking game?

The rules are as follows:

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Budget 2014: A Drinking Game

Every time Treasurer Joe Hockey wipes sweat from his brow: do a shot.

Every time Hockey mentions “ordinary Australians”: do a shot.

Every time a government politician mentions the “budget emergency” or “budget crisis”: do two shots.

Every time an essential public service is slashed: do five shots.

Every time the government breaks an election promise: drink an entire pitcher of beer.

Every time a professional economist begins his analysis by referring to a “structural imbalance between revenue and expenditure”: do three shots and cry a bit.

Whenever the camera cuts during Hockey’s speech to a shot of Clive Palmer making a wanking motion with his hand: pour a bottle of absinthe over your own head.

Every time Hockey mentions that we all need to pull together and share the pain: drink an entire bottle of red wine.

Every time you get screwed over for the benefit of people much richer than you: cry into a glass of bourbon.

Every time you see a government MP smiling and want to punch their face: have a West Coast Cooler.

Every time you realise how drunk you are: sing ‘Free Bird’ at the TV.

Every time a journalist focuses exclusively on the political consequences of the Budget without mentioning its actual effect on the people whose lives it is messing with: drink another bottle of red wine and then smash the bottle against your forehead.

Every time Hockey says that the Budget will “get this country back on track”: do ten shots, then another ten, then pour a bottle of schnapps into a bowl of milk and plunge your face into it.

Every time the government spends a billion dollars on fighter jets: neck a yard glass full of Wild Turkey.

Every time Hockey over-stresses the words “a temporary levy”: have a dry martini and challenge your housemate to an arm-wrestle.

Every time Hockey makes a tough decision now in order to ensure economic security for Australia down the track: have a cognac.

Every time you can’t stand it any more: pour everything you have left into one jug and drink it all.

Every time the government’s priorities become disturbingly clear: attach yourself to a Jim Beam drip.

Every time Hockey explains that everything is Labor’s fault and he is reluctantly but diligently cleaning up their insane spendthrift socialist mess: have a glass of champagne and laugh hysterically at the ceiling.

Every time you hurl a heavy object through your television screen: finish off that slab of VB and fall asleep on the floor.

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Treasurer Joe Hockey’s budget announcement will be broadcast from 7.30pm on ABC1. Alternatively, Masterchef‘s on TEN.

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Ben Pobjie is a writer and comedian, whose work can be found in The Age, New Matilda, the Guardian, the Roar, and myriad other corners. He tweets from @benpobjie.