And we’re back. Normally it feels like such a long time between seasons, but this felt just right. Even though we all know that the bachelorette is the inferior show, it’s hard not to get excited for roses, drama, and Chris Harrison. Speaking of Chris Harrison, what do you think he does in the off season? Vacations in some remote location? Has huge parties at the bach house? Giant sex parties? Luckily for you I was able to hack into the internal feed of the house and saw a little bit of what happens:

Now we all know that Harrison’s sexy time name is Hansel.

Enough about Chris, let’s find out who the bro’s are vying for the attention of our bachelorettes. Yes, I said bachelorettes. The bro’s will be voting for either Kaitlyn or Britt. I found out accidentally who they pick, but I’ll make sure I don’t spoil it.

Ben H

Ben looks like a normal dude. A strapping young lad. One of his favorite movies is the “Sandlot”.* He will henceforth be known as Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. He will need to “pickle” the beast other guys to win the heart of our bachelorette. Will the jet steal home in the fantasy suite and go all the way?

I hope he gives Kaitlyn/Britt a thumbs up after coitus.

Will the jet be a hero that gets remembered, or a legend that never dies? Probably neither.

*I fucking love the Sandlot

Ben Z

Two fucking guys in and we already have a repeat name. Thank god we came up with a nickname for the first Ben. That was close. I’m almost against having two guys with the same name but then I remember one of our favorite contestants last year, Ashley S. It would have been tragic not seeing her share her gift (craziness) with the world. Ben Z looks like a poor man’s Chris Evans. I’ll line up some Captain America jokes provided he lasts. Ben’s occupation is fitness coach. Jillian and her black barred ass can’t wait to sex him up on bachelor in paradise.

Bradley

Brad looks boring. He’s an international auto shipper. Is that what used car salesmen are calling themselves now? Selling 2012 Honda’s down at Jimmy’s used cars lot does not make you an international auto shipper. Here is a picture of Brad while at “work”:

Brady

Brady looks like he is going through a midlife crisis and one of his old college buddies dared him to audition for ette. One of his biggest date fears is explosive diarrhea. Wasn’t that the same for many women on last years list? People must have some real intestinal problems. Brady is also a singer-songwriter. Over/under 1.5 for times he plays the guitar for the ette? We’re guaranteed at least one for his limo intro (Limtro)TM, right?

Chris

Chris is smiling super fucking hard right here. You’ve probably already guessed his occupation because of those spectacular teeth and yes, he is a dentist. That’s free advertisement for your practice so you better believe he is cheesin hard in every picture he takes. Are dentists allowed to work on their own teeth though? Like doctors can’t do surgery on themselves, it’s against the law. Could Chris give himself a root canal if he needed to? Why don’t the bio’s have information like this? These are the important questions. I don’t care about your favorite super hero. Chris

Clint

Has anyone named Clint ever won anything? If he could be anyone else just for a day his answer is Chuck Norris for “obvious reasons”. What are these reasons? Is one of them because his name isn’t Clint? Do cars look both ways when “Clint” crosses the street? Fuck no. But you bet they do when Chuck Norris does. I guess the reasons are obvious. Well played Clint. Well played.

Corey

Corey is an investment banker from New York. He was asked who he admires most in the world. His answer, “no one in particular”. You couldn’t say mom, dad, some older family member? Corey thinks he’s hot shit. He says his superpower would be the ability to do anything he wants without needing sleep and wouldn’t lose his health or fitness. Corey wants to be a robot. Does anyone know if Skynet is hiring?

Cory

Cory’s biggest date fear is finding out his date is really a dude. I feel like you wouldn’t mention that as a fear unless there were some sort of past transgressions he isn’t proud of (see what I did there?). I think it’s safe to assume that neither of these two chicks got a dick, so Cory might just be alright, although I’m sure he’ll cast his vote for the girl with the smaller bulge. You know, just to be sure.

Daniel

His full name is Daniel Shia LeBooff. If LeBooff could be one person for a day he wants to be the prince of monaco because he has a “baller life”. Maybe you could ruin all of his crystal skulls just like you ruined Indiana Jones’s. And I don’t care if he’s your dad, that’s Dr. Jones to you:

David

David isn’t giving me a whole lot to go off of. He’s a real estate agent from Orlando. He likes fight club and 300. Admires his sister, wants to have lunch with Brad Pitt. Yadda yadda. I guess now is as good as any time to ask, who would take a black guy further, Britt or Kaitlyn? (David is black, right?). I better get out.

Ian

In the bio’s it’s usually just a wall of text. Q and A format with their picture and that’s about it. This particular one has a hyperlink in it. If Ian could have lunch with one person he said “Jimmy Kimmel” with you being able to click on Jimmy Kimmel and you are magically taken to the web page of his show. I feel like Ian didn’t really have an answer here and the marketing department thought this was a fantastic idea. Well, I’m not clicking on the link. So take that.

Jared

Jared forgot to shave for cast photo day. I try and make this blog as apolitical as possible, but if Jared could be anyone for a day he said Obama. I’ll point out that Jared is a restaurant manager in Rhode Island. I’m guessing Wendy’s.

JJ

We’ve seen this before, yet people continue to do it. JJ’s occupation is former investment banker. Former. I guess it makes sense to go on ette if you don’t have a job, but it’s such a bad look. Just tell them to delay your firing until after you get kicked off the show. JJ’s favorite baseball player is Lou Gehrig. Lou Gehrig died almost 75 years ago. Coincidentally JJ’s favorite president was John Adams and favorite tv show is M*A*S*H.

Joe

Joe is another in which his answers are a little too perfect. Biggest date fear, awkward silence (legit). Donated money to his sister’s mission trip. Wants to have lunch with his grandmother who recently passed away. I can’t make fun of that. His favorite movies don’t really stick out. He’s an insurance agent. I’ll just assume he wears khakis all day in his cubicle:

Jonathan

Automotive spokeman? That’s worse than the international auto shipper above. Jonathan likes snoop dogg. I could see Kaitlyn taking Jonathan on a rapping date (provided it’s her) in one of the most stereotypical dates yet. They could do a rapper duet. Do those exist? Does one have to be the beatbox while the other spits hot rhymes? I’m out of my element.

Josh

Umm, where do I start? Josh might have the smallest eyes I’ve ever seen. Is he squinting? I squinted when I read that his occupation is Law Student/Exotic Dancer. What in the hell. Does he give you legal advice and then chase it with a lap dance? You know he’s asked at least one judge if they are wearing anything under that robe. Josh either goes home the first night, or makes everyone super weird the whole time. I hope it’s the latter.

Joshua

You can’t tell from this picture, but Josh says he has 9 tattoos. One of them has to be a John Deere tractor on his lower back. Probably a bow and arrow somewhere. The name of his dog on his chest. Who knows what else. I don’t think Josh is cut out for the big city lights of LA.

Justin

Justin is another bro that’s a fitness trainer. Seems really boring. Hates awkward silence on a first date. I can imagine there will be a lot of that anytime he and the ette are alone. Justin will probably be the nice guy that keeps getting a rose for no reason until the ette proclaims that there just isn’t that connection.

Kupah

His name is Kupah. Not sure if he’s related to King Koopa:

His friends call him Koop (pronounced with a “K”). Koop is from Boston and is a big fan of Mark Wahlberg. Is there anyone from Boston who doesn’t love Marky Mark? I bet Koop and his boys already have their midnight screening tickets for the Entourage movie. Koop is probably the “Turtle” of his group (Turtle from Entourage. Bowser is kind of a turtle. Get it?).

Ryan B

Two questions from a bio can tell you a lot about a person. Ryan B says he meant to send a picture of himself to his girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it. How do you confuse the two? Ryan B also wants to be Seth McFarlane because he is “so talented”. Ryan’s “girlfriend” is actually Meg from family guy.

Ryan M

Occupation: Junkyard specialist. Even the “sandwich artisans” at subway think you are reaching with that one. Do you operate the crane or push the button on the compactor to turn cars into little blocks? There is only one person I can think of that deserves the title junkyard specialist:

Ryan M hopes his Eve is not on another planet as well.

Shawn B

Another personal trainer. Was there some sort of special on these guys this year? Shawn B is into One Direction. Shawn B is also 28. If he could be anyone else for just a day his choice was his dog…..Did I mention that Shawn B likes One Direction?

Shawn E

This might be a first, but Shawn E is an amateur sex coach. Are there hard core sex coaches? Does he only teach amateurs? Is he the amateur? Do you get certified for such a thing? Does he creep out both ette’s on the first night making awkward sex jokes? Kaitlyn may be into that since she opened with one during Chris’ season. I really hope he suggests having a 3 way with Kaitlyn and Britt.

Tanner

I think Tanner is my early front runner and most likely to get the first impression rose. He looks normal. His answers are normal, but didn’t elaborate on any of them. I’m guessing he is very shy and that may hurt him. He’ll be the guy that has that “wall” up and the ette tries to convince him to open up and right after he does, no rose for you.

Tony

Tony is a little…special. I know you think I said that because he looks goofy as fuck here, but his occupation is listed as “healer”. Healer. What does that mean exactly? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that his favorite football player is Tim Tebow.

There you have it. All the bro’s present and accounted for. Based on this, this season is going to be very boring. The ette may have to do a lot of heavy lifting. I hope I’m wrong though. We need some secret girlfriends to show up on the show out of nowhere, dudes getting accused of for not being there for the right reasons, someone’s sexuality getting called out. I know you want let me down Chris Harrison.

Premiere night is Monday the 18th. I’ll see you there

- Nick