TEL AVIV, ISRAEL — Today in Tel Aviv, an identified man suspected to be affiliated with ISIS, died when a vest containing explosives prematurely went off in Sarona. It’s believed the man had planned to detonate his explosives in Habima Square where crowds of people often gather en masse.

While information is still limited, a note found in the man’s pocket has just been released. It is transcribed below:

Allah Akbar!! I shall bring down the wrath of Allah on all infidels. In return for my service to Allah I will be rewarded with 72 virgins, with perfectly shaped breasts and angelic rumps. Their nipples will be ideal, not too big and not too wide. The ratio between breast and nipple will be proportioned with heavenly precision! I shall lie with the houri day and night until my body crumbles atop my blood-drained legs and falls into sleep. Allah will permit my every desire and I will be favored for all of eternity! Allah Akbar!! ALALALALALALA!

A local Tel Aviv student commented, “From his letter, he just seemed really horny. He put the pussy on a pedestal if you ask me. No pussy’s worth dying for.”

As to why the Jihadist’s explosives prematurely blew, we can only wager a guess. It could be the result of a technical issue, or perhaps he was simply overeager.