If I hear one more time that unvaccinated children are “unprotected” from common diseases I’m going to lose it. For crying out loud, how on Earth did the modern human race survive for 200,000 years (or 12,000 years, or whatever you choose to believe) with such a sissy immune system?

That was a trick question. Our immune systems are fine until something is injected to wreck them up. “But wait, Quack!” you say. “200,000 years ago the average lifespan was only 33! Right there is proof of how much we need vaccines!”

Vaccines for what? Drowning? Wooly mammoths? Falling out of trees? Here’s how it was in the caveman years: if you could make it to puberty, you’d live long enough to die of old age, and there ain’t no vaccine for that.

Do you know what my kid has protecting him from scary diseases?

A God-given freaking immune system. In the words of a fed-up autism mom: people who fear the unvaxed think proper nutrition is a hot pocket and a Flinstone’s vitamin.

Guess what? My kid doesn’t eat that crap. We eat real food up in here, Weston A. Price style. Grassfed meats, raw dairy, organic fruits and, if we’re feeling crazy, a couple of vegetables. He takes fish oil, probiotics, and we threw the sunscreen in the trash a long time ago. He doesn’t drink from the tap. We turn off the TV and he has to play outside like it was 1979, in the grass and everything. Just to show you what a tyrant dad I am I’ll admit this: his toys don’t take any batteries and if anybody gives him battery-operated toys they get re-gifted at a cousin’s birthday party. If he rides a scooter he has to use his very own feet to propel it forward, even if that means his pulse quickens.

“But QUACK!” you protest. “What about the immunocompromised! We must take care of our neighbors!” Look. First off, it’s a load of bull that immunocompromised kids can’t get vaccines because the CDC took them off that list a loooong time ago. They give them vaccines, then chemo, and then more vaccines when they’re out of the woods.

Secondly, you find me an immunocompromised kid who hasn’t ever been vaccinated and we’ll have a talk about how vaccines aren’t compromising the immune system but until then, keep your lips zipped. And I’m not talking about a 10 month old who had all vaccines except the MMR when I say “unvaccinated.” I mean all vaccines.

You want to know who is immunocompromised? Newborns. Tiny infants. So we respect that by injecting them with a known carcinogen (formaldehyde), a chemical that opens the blood brain barrier (polysorbate 80), an endocrine disruptor (MSG), neurotoxins (aluminum and mercury) and a slew of bacteria and viruses? How does that sludge make them healthy?

You wanted to have kids, so guess what? You need to take care of them, even if that means spending money on higher quality food, because just keeping them alive day after day isn’t cutting it. I don’t want to take care of a Wall-E population with my social security taxes.

My kid isn’t “unprotected” because he’s unvaccinated. We choose to keep his immune system intact. Unadulterated. He’s protected in a very different, much more effective, much safer way than vaccines. He’s protected in a way that isn’t causing him any side effects today, and won’t cause him any in the future. Try to get the CDC to guarantee that about vaccines.