The back massage is one of the biggest jokes on the human body thus far because everyone loves back massages yet they cannot give themselves one. God made it that way. God made it so that when the word “back massage” was spoken, a human would act like a dog when you say “wanna go potty?” I have seen this. Multiple people in one room running in circles on a piece of furniture when they hear the words. But not everyone can give a good back massage. Like me. This is sad.

After my girlfriend has had herself a long day, I want to give her something good. A lil’ TLC sugah on the back. She is a graphic designer and when she spends hours on the computer she can form a solid knot right under the left shoulder blade. So I try to smooth that sucker out. But the only problem is I just can’t. Which is sad, because if I don’t get that knot out, she could die.

So I set out. I traveled the world, both physical and cyber, to find out how to give a good back massage. And I ended up on Wikihow: How to Give a Back Massage . I went to find a back.

What I found wasn’t just any back. This was Matt’s back. My roommate. A great back. A meaty cloud. A back that needed love. A back that needed hands. Two dumb hands. We were so excited.

So I set up the dining room. Pulled the table where we usually eat food and unusually laid down a sleeping bag. Wikihow suggests a mat, but I did not have a mat. Then I laid a sheet down because things were about to get slippery (if you know what I am sayin’). The sheet was in this weird abyss-like closet in our apartment. I have no idea where the sheet came from, but I used it and that is just what you do: use random items.

Luckily our friend Timmy had no idea what we were doing, so it was not weird at all when I was rubbing Matt’s back in a candle-lit room while he played video games. We felt that this was necessary for ultimate relaxation for everyone.

Our next step was to set up the room. I wanted this to be a night to remember for Matt, so I made sure everything was the way he liked it. When he said he did not want uneventful music like what Wikihow suggests, we both agreed. We also had no idea what uneventful music was. Was it elevator music? Retirement home music? Enya? He wanted to listen to either podcasts or the Inception soundtrack. We went with podcasts. Alec Baldwin’s velvet voice did fit well with the candles. Matt said he did not like the candles so close to him. I understood.

So I set up the candles a little off to the side.

Next, Matt needed to get down to his “comfort level”. He was really excited about this, and I didn’t know how I felt about that.

It was time.

Wikihow suggested that I let Matt know when I was about to begin. This was by far the most important step in the whole process.

I never thought I would have had this much fun giving a back massage. It was rewarding. At first, me, Matt and Timmy were all joking around all the jokes you can think of about a guy giving another guy a back massage. Then I put the oil on my hands. Then it got real.

I got the oil all around the back. I found myself reapplying oil about 5 times. Somehow the whole massage took 45 minutes. That was definitely longer than I thought it would be. But I also did not know when to stop the back massage. When giving a back massage, think about your finishing move. I didn’t do that.

I rubbed up the back with much more pressure than on the way back down the back. They suggest this due to blood circulation, or something like that.

Next was the petrissage techniques. I took this technique into my own hands. Starting around the lower back, not the butt -don’t touch the butt- I started to rub two short circles with first my lower palm, then the center of my hands, then the tips of my fingers with my fingers spread out. I knew this was working because Matt was making grunting noises and I also think he was asleep. Work your way slowly up the back while doing this. I did the whole back like this about 3 times. After that, comes percussive strokes.

Percussive is the tough stuff. You need to feel out what kind of back you are dealing with. Matt’s was like a stale bun, so I really chopped. But if I were to do this to the delicate flower of a back my girlfriend has, I would be much more tender. Matt also ate some of my Oreos earlier, so I was getting back at him for that. I was getting back at him with love. You can also ball your hands into a fist, working your way up and down the back for about 5 minutes. Don’t forget the shoulders. Any place you find a knot is where you want to smooth out with the percussive technique.

Then, after the percussive, go back to the petrissage. This is probably the apex of the massage. After all that percussive, going back to the tender side of petrissage was like when the bass drops in one of those rattly dubstep songs. Matt said a couple of ‘oh yeah’s. This was also the point that we realized that I had been rubbing his back for about 30 minutes, without either one of us saying a word. It was weird. I had a moment of clarity, and asked myself what I was doing and dismissed myself from the moment. I asked myself if high school Brooks ever thought I would be doing this now. He said, “hell no.” Then I told high school Brooks to quiet and crawl back into his shanty. I continued on my journey of Matt’s back.

After the second round of petrissage, you then want to get into more specific muscle-lifting techniques. They say to cup your hands like a lobster claw on Wikihow, but I had no idea how a lobster claw would make this any better. But I tried my best. You want to really rub out the muscles, and all those knots you felt earlier should be your main focus. And then after doing that up and down the back three times, start at the spine and kind of fan out, pushing the muscles to the side.

I wrapped up the massage with some twists. Starting at the bottom of the back, you want to pull with one hand and push with the other, slowly making your way up the back. And then I had no idea what to do. I kind of just looked at Matt after. He was trying to figure out if I was done. So I shrugged my shoulders and asked him what he was doing later. It was awkward, but we knew what we had signed up for. Life will go on, and Matt will still eat my Oreos. But rubbing that back was a life-changing experience. A bookmark in the book of life. A footprint in the sands of time.

If you are up for the challenge, give someone a back massage. This was fun. A great way to get close to someone. Allowing Matt to trust me that much was beautiful. I could have chopped him wrong he could have died. But he didn’t. And we are closer because of it.

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