After An Hour On r/Relationships I’m Pretty Sure I Can Give Advice To Anyone

My wife accidentally left herself logged into Gmail and the first message is a long chain of nudes and pictures of her having sex with another guy. I’m completely devastated.

Take your sadness and put it on a shelf. Now is the time for action–you have a head start on her if she doesn’t know that you know.

1. Change all of your computer passwords

2. Cancel your credit cards and order new ones

3. Get out of the house. Take your most valuable possessions with you and get a PO box or have your mail forwarded.

4. Do not call her, email her, or respond to her phone calls.

5. Lawyer up and file for divorce immediately. Save some of the photos in case you have to use them in court.

6. Confront her and make it clear that it’s over. The marriage died the second that she crawled back into bed with you like nothing was wrong. Remember that her tears and woe and sadness are not for you. They’re for her, because she did wrong, she got caught, and she destroyed a good thing and her own reputation. If you take her back you will never be able to look at her the same way again. I promise you that.

6. Once you get to wherever you’re going to be staying, get your sadness off the shelf and drink it deeply. It’s going to be a hard way up for a little while. Friends and family will help.

Usually my boyfriend and I communicate constantly–texting, phone calls, social media, you name it. But he just went completely off the grid while on a business trip and claims he didn’t have good phone reception. This was three full days of me worried that maybe something happened to him with no response of any kind, and he just strolls back into our apartment like nothing’s wrong. Am I wrong to be upset?

This is either a classic cheating scenario at worst or at very least he is completely incapable of understanding your needs or concern. In all honestly I would suspect some sort of untoward activity–I’ve never heard of someone being unable to access the Internet or a phone while on a business trip. What kind of business was he doing? If he’s going to be cheating on you and lying about it so lamely best to get out of there ASAP.

1. Change all of your computer passwords.

2. Cancel your credit cards. Don’t even order new ones for a little while.

3. Pack your possessions, get out of the apartment, and get a PO box or have your mail forwarded.

4. Cancel your lease, kick him out, or find a sublettor. There are too many potential legal issues involved.

5. Distribute flyers with his face on them to warn other potential victims.

It’s my birthday next week, and I found a gift hidden in the broom closet this morning. It’s all wrapped up and I want to peek so badly, do you think I should bring up that I found it to my husband or just play dumb?

Who knows if that present is even for you? Odds are much more likely that he’s cheating on you and that the gift is for someone else. He probably doesn’t remember your birthday either. At the very least he is keeping secrets from you. He is not being respectful of your feelings or your right to information that could affect you–for example, how many people he is currently having sex with and how much of your money he is spending to buy those people gifts. GET OUT OF THERE AND DON’T LOOK BACK.

1. Do not confront him. He’s clearly a liar and a secret-keeper. Don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate you back into a negative relationship.

2. Get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Then go to a police station and charge him with treason, just in case the gift is for some foreign interest.

3. Hire a private investigator. It sounds like a good time to find out what his real name is.

4. Wipe your hard drive. Defriend him and block his phone number.

5. Move out of the house. Don’t take anything with you.

6. Dye your hair, get a nose job, and hit the gym. You’ll start to feel better and you need to re-learn how to live an independent lifestyle. I also recommend getting a tattoo and learning to pop wheelies on a motorcycle.

I asked out my crush and she said yes! What’s a good first date option?

Wow your gf sounds like a real scummy jerk. It sounds like she is having real trouble pulling her weight in the relationship. Best to cut her loose early than deal with all of that slow pain later on.

1. Delete all of your social media accounts. Throw your computer into the sea.

2. Transfer your bank accounts to a fictitious name, like Ernest C. Grubergartner.

3. Break the plumbing in your house and flood it until it floats away.

4. Use the spell Oblivate to wipe your parents’ memories of you. Photoshop yourself out of any pictures.

5. Get off the grid. Get a fake ID and use that fake to get a new fake.

6. Become a tree. Stay a tree. You’ll thank me for it, I promise.