Boris Johnson to spend day masturbating into Got Brexit Done tea towel

Prime Minister Boris Johnson will spend the whole of the 31st January wanking furiously and incessantly into a commemorative Got Brexit Done tea towel, press aides have confirmed today.

The news comes after senior Conservatives cautioned party members against celebratory Brexit day events and instead encouraged understated Ceremonies reflecting the mood of the nation.

“The prime minister recognises the divisive nature of Brexit and in terms of celebrations he will be taking matters into his own hand,” said a spokesperson.

“He will be marking the occasion – and some of the Downing Street carpets, I suspect – by paying his own personal tribute to the driving force behind Brexit.”

It is understood that Johnson will begin jerking off into a tea towel bearing his own cartoon image after breakfast, accompanied by a recording of Big Ben chimes and with Churchill the movie playing on a loop on a huge screen in his Downing Street drawing-room.

Taking a break only for lunch, Johnson is expected to thank his own little honourable member for Uxbridge for bringing things to a rapid conclusion, before cleaning himself off and declaring himself oven-ready to go again.