Share Position Name Quote

1 Dr. Spaceman I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

2 Dr. Spaceman Say no more. If it's giving people meat, then I'm on board. I've always said Humans need more animal blood. It keeps the spine straight.

3 Dr. Spaceman You boys need anything while you're here? Some reds? Yellows? Just got some purples in from Peru.

4 Dr. Spaceman And it's healthy. Hi, I'm Dr. Leo Spaceman. I'm a working physician with a degree from the Ho Chi Minh city School of medicine.

5 Dr. Spaceman [Jack coughs] And cough. [Jack coughs again]. And cough [Jack coughs again]. Okay! Now, let's start the examination.

6 Dr. Spaceman Have I given you my new book? [He holds out a book titled "You're Doing It Wrong!"] It's about having a satisfying love life. For life!

7 Dr. Spaceman My techniques guarantee male orgasm.

8 Dr. Spaceman Ladies! What? This? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening and the hostess's dog attacked me, so I had to stab it. Jack's going to be fine. But he has had a pretty serious cardiac episode. Also, I suspect he may have scurvy because he keeps asking for lemon.

9 Dr. Spaceman Good morning! Now, full disclosure: most of my experience is putting babies IN women.

10 Dr. Spaceman You just described my morning. Now, Mrs. Jordan, I've already administered the epidural, so... would you like one as well?

11 Dr. Spaceman Erectile dysfunction. It's not just a dog problem anymore. It also effects millions of men. I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good "doing it" song since "Close The Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.

12 Dr. Spaceman [singing] Baby, let's take it slow. You know we've got all night, light some candles, draw a bath, and start off with full-on intercourse.

13 Dr. Spaceman Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm." An ultra-strength audio re-boneulator.

14 Dr. Spaceman One more ''peow'' and... donezies.

15 Dr. Spaceman I'm sure it did. This machine is a genuine... LASIG? Hm, curious. Here. Can you read the top line over there?

16 Dr. Spaceman Well, why not? So frustrating. But at least I heard it from a friend. So while we're here, what else do you want to do? Face burn? Bone morph? Mouth peel?

17 Dr. Spaceman Really? I think you mean radio.

18 Dr. Spaceman You seem nervous. I could give you something for that. Ah, but you know what? I'm not supposed to have sex with my patients.

19 Dr. Spaceman Excellent. [sees Pete off] My God, Jenna, are you pregnant? How? Did you go swimming in a public pool?

20 Dr. Spaceman Well that's redundant. All pregnancies are hysterical. They're started by penises.

21 Dr. Spaceman All right, now that the popsicle's melted we've got ourselves a tongue depressor.

22 Dr. Spaceman Ah they're nothing to be ashamed of. I get them from prostitutes.

23 Dr. Spaceman Sounds like you could use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.

24 Dr. Spaceman There are four things I want to do this summer, but they're roommates so it's tricky. All right, here's a prescription for your cold sores and here's a blank one for the weekend. Now one final thing. Why aren't you wearing pants?

25 Dr. Spaceman Other doctor? That's my brother Randy. Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Good one, Randy! Hey you want to go to Taco Bell for lunch?

26 Dr. Spaceman I don't think there's a box for that on the form. Uh, what about ''Cheers' lied to me''? Okay. Now, for the procedure, you can choose between local or general anesthesia. I should warn you that general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations. So I highly recommend it. I'll schedule both of you for the morning. Now, this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in. Because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you. Until tomorrow, gentlemen. We all see the little black boy in the corner, right? Okay. Whoo...

27 Dr. Spaceman If a patient's friend runs into the operating room and yells at you, you have to stop. It's the Doctor's Code.