Tracy McMillan is a lady who makes her living telling women why they aren’t married. (She’s an expert in this subject, you see, because she has been married three times.) She has recently showed up to explain four more reasons to add to the original six why you, O Heterosexual Lady, have not yet fulfilled your gender destiny of getting married and pushing out sprogs. (In case you’re wondering, it’s because you’re a bitchy shallow slutty lying selfish insecure life-a-mess crazy godless dude. Wow. I didn’t realize the heterosexual unmarried woman population was entirely full of me clones.)

I am not sure why Ms. McMillan wants a husband, actually, as she clearly seems to hate men.

I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape.

I hate to tell you, lady, but dudes mature after thirteen. I mean, I should hope so. At thirteen they all think that South Park and farts are the funniest thing ever. If I felt that by dating a straight dude it’d be nothing but “hurr your wenis is showing” for the rest of my life, I really would become a dyke like I keep threatening.

Please note the presence of Misandric Narrative #12-b, “men basically just want food, video games, and blowjobs.” I mean, I’ve been fairly successful with my “having opinions about utilitarianism, fantasy novels, and D&D” dating plan, but if all my partners would rather I turn into a sex-tape-and-sandwich-making RealDoll with a pulse I’m sure I can oblige them.

Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

We’re, uh, slut-shaming men now? That’s an interesting new development. Fortunately the next two items are slut-shaming women, so the order of the universe is restored.

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Probably because for [men] marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

You know, I’ve been out of the monogamy game for a while, but I seem to recall that people are monogamous long before they even consider getting engaged, and that most people do not look on the “it wasn’t cheating, we’re not married yet” defense with much sympathy. And, geez, if all men were poly I’d have such an easier time finding new people to add to my Nerd Harem.

If there’s something you can’t (or don’t want) to tell your mom… you can be sure it’s getting in the way of having your best relationship.

MY RELATIONSHIPS ARE GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY RELATIONSHIPS? Holy shit! Relationshipception!

It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes.

I’m not? Ohmigod, I’ve been hallucinating my relationships!

The whole “men initiate, women wait around” plan is bullshit. Newsflash: men who are shy, insecure, or afraid of rejection exist. They are not bad people. Many of them make awesome boyfriends. It’s also fucked to tell women that their sole recourse, if they want to date a dude, is to look pretty in his general direction. Instead of taking away women’s power and making men fit a role that they may not be comfortable with, why don’t we let people who like initiating initiate and people who don’t like initiating not initiate? It seems a far more sensible plan.

Because there’s one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you. (Duh!) Fortunately, there’s a foolproof way to find out just how much of a crap a guy gives: he will 1) ask for your contact information, and 2) HE WILL USE IT RIGHT AWAY.

If he doesn’t ask for your contact information, it might mean he doesn’t like you. Or that he’s shy. Or that he doesn’t think you like him. Or that he doesn’t like to make the first move. Or that he totally wanted your contact information but was far too distracted by how amazing you are to ask for it. If he doesn’t contact you right away, it might mean he doesn’t like you. Or that he’s busy. Or that he’s shy. Or that he’s doing some silly “playing hard to get” thing. Or that he lost your number. It is almost as if men are different from each other and occasionally have different motivations! Shocking, I know.

Fortunately, there is an even better foolproof way to find out how much of a crap a guy gives: you can ask for his contact information, use it right away, and ask him how much of a crap he gives! I know it’s ludicrous, but it just might work.

Because at the end of the day, you don’t need to know if a guy wants to donate his sperm to you. (The answer will probably be Oh, hell yes.)

Good job erasing the existence of low-libido men, men on the asexual spectrum, men who only want sex in committed relationships, and men who only want to sleep with women they’re attracted to. For Christ’s sake, I really want to move to Tracy McMillan’s world. You mean it’s full of poly dudes who’ll never turn down casual sex? SIGN. ME. UP.

I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen — the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Love.

…I think you mean dopamine.