COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who lack the ability to visit a novelty store can still get a hot drizzle of fudge licked off their navels this Valentine’s Day,” said program coordinator Jackson Loxley, who explained that while many take spreading whipped cream on their lover’s erogenous zones for granted, homebound seniors often experience the holiday horny and alone. “Some people might view plump strawberries and cotton-candy-flavored lube as an extravagance, but knowing there’s a smile on the 90-year-old face under that zippered leather mask makes it all worth it. This may be the only hot and steamy meal they get all week.” Noting that human contact was the most important part of the visit, Loxley added that volunteers were happy to stick around and put strawberry gummy G-strings in a blender or drip hot wax on the seniors’ genitals if they needed extra assistance.

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