The talented and troubled rugby league player opens up about his battle with depression.

Fallen sports star Kevin Locke was 20 years old when he tried to kill himself. It was his first attempt – but not his last.

His mate found the rugby league player, now 26, at his Auckland home in the nick of time. Locke was rushed to hospital and admitted into a psychiatric unit the next day. His last suicide attempt was only two years ago. The aftermath of how he was found is so dramatic and painful that he and his family vow to never talk about it. What he remembers was waking up in hospital, and realising that he was once again unsuccessful in ending his own life.

CHRIS SKELTON/FAIRFAX NZ Locke hopes to return to league after recovering from major shoulder surgery.

With his big brown eyes and softly spoken nature, it's hard not to be drawn into Locke's boyish charm. His foster mother Danielle Harold describes the talented league player as a little rascal whose cheeky smile would melt anyone's heart. His romantic relationships have been captured in photogenic glory in women's magazines. But, Harold says, Locke's positive exterior is deceiving. For many years the jokes and laughter have hidden a deep, dark depression which has plagued him since he debuted for the Warriors in 2009. In our raw and honest interview, Locke speaks for the first time about suffering from the debilitating illness and explains how his wife, former Australian netballer Chelsea Pitman, and his three-year-old son Louie, who he had with an ex- partner, are constantly reminding him that his life is worth living.

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"Being depressed is potent. You don't appreciate the good things in life and that's what freaks me out the most," Locke says. "There are times when I can't control my feelings and I get to a stage where I can't take it any more. I feel I can speak about it now, because I have survived some really tough times."

Getty Images Locke, playing for the Warriors in 2013

Ever since he burst into the sporting scene, he has copped his fair share of criticism. On the field, the fullback thrilled league fans with his flair and was often the smallest player. Although Locke enjoyed the adulation, there were also bad times. There've been several driving convictions, a sexual assault accusation, which police investigated in 2011 but did not press charges over, and many injuries which kept Locke off the field for long periods.

"All of these things were tough. Injuries are hard to take, because you feel excluded from the circle. Also being accused of sexual assault, something that I didn't do, took its toll," he says.

But the worst label is when people call him a drunk driver, the most common taunt he gets in public. His multiple driving convictions have mainly been for speeding and driving while disqualified.

CHRIS SKELTON/FAIRFAX NZ Locke with his three-year-old son Louie.

"I've never been charged or convicted of a DUI. People have made assumptions. It's bad for me and my family when people think that you are a drunk driver."

Before he even entered the world of professional sports, Locke had to overcome a troubled childhood. At 14, he lived on the streets after the separation and divorce of his parents had left him devastated. "My parents were everything to me. When my father moved out, I was broken. I didn't want to live at home and so I moved on too."

Locke's saviours came in the form of Frank and Danielle Harold. Frank coached Locke at the Northcote Tigers and his wife Danielle was the team manager. Danielle says that they were concerned that the kind-natured 15-year-old was homeless and offered him a place to stay. "It's like he followed us home one day, and never went away," Danielle says.

Getty Images Locke was on antidepressants for most of his playing career, and had regular psychiatry visits.

Locke become so connected to the Harolds that he started calling them Mum and Dad, and at one point they even considered adopting the troubled teen. "But it would have been awkward, as both his parents were still alive," says Danielle.

One day, Frank and Danielle asked young Locke what he wanted to do with his life, and without hesitating he replied. "I want to play for the Warriors."

At the time, Locke worked in catering at the Warriors' base at Mt Smart Stadium. He watched every single home game. His hero was Stacey Jones. "I wanted to be part of that world but I also wanted to be better than all of them," he says.

Chris Skelton Opening up about his depression has lifted a weight from Locke's shoulders.

With their close connections in the league community, the Harolds made sure that Locke had the support he needed to realise his dream. Their belief in the boy with raw talent saw him rise through the ranks and become one of the Warrior's brightest stars.

During the early stages of his career, Locke received a devastating blow. His father, Kevin senior, who his son idolised, was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease. Despite the rapid decline in his health – he was in a wheelchair and lost his speech – he never missed one of his son's games. In 2008, less than a year after his diagnosis, he died. Locke was in Sydney at the time and playing in a major semi-final for the Warrior's under 20 side. Family members waited two days to tell him and he received the call moments before he ran onto the field. He couldn't make it back in time for his father's funeral and never got to say goodbye and pay his final respects. "I still dwell on it. It's tough," he mutters.

Locke says dealing with his father's death, the pressures of the sport, the public scrutiny, and negative comments on social media, led him down a dark hole.

Chris Skelton Locke and his son, Louie: "I love him more than anything and I want to make him proud of me."

"Reading what everyone was saying about me on the internet was tough. People are careless, gutless and don't have a life," he says.

Jerry Seuseu, welfare and education manager at the Warriors, says the club was aware of the serious problems Locke was facing and that he was having suicidal thoughts. "We were very busy with Kevin as we recognised that he needed help," Seuseu says.

Locke says the Warriors provided regular psychiatry visits and he was on antidepressants for most of his playing career.

GETTY IMAGES Locke: "My parents were everything to me. When my father moved out, I was broken."

Seuseu, a former Warrior player, says the NRL is taking depression among its players very seriously. In 2013, Kiwi-born NRL players Mosese Fotuaika and Alex Elisala, both 20, committed suicide just two months apart. Since their deaths, there's been four more young NRL players who have taken their own lives. Seuseu says the Warriors were determined that Locke didn't become another tragic statistic.

"We provided Kevin with some high level support. The credentials of the people who were involved meant that they weren't inexpensive," he says.

About 16 of the 100 players the Warriors have on their books are suffering from depression, says Seuseu. The macho perception that expressing one's feelings is a weakness is a thing of the past. Seuseu says the NRL recognises that depression is a societal issue, as much as it is a huge issue within its sporting culture. "We have staff members trained to recognise signs of depression and can refer players to professional help," Seuseu says. "We acknowledge that it's important to look after the player's spiritual and emotional wellbeing."

***

After playing 98 games and scoring 26 tries in his six-year career, the dream ended for Locke at the Warriors. He was given early release from his contract in 2014. He didn't want to leave, but knew the writing was on the wall when he was given little game time and had effectively been pushed out of the side by the signing of fullback Sam Tomkins from the UK Super League. His early release meant he could take up a contract with the Salford Red Devils in the UK. Although he was devastated, Locke understands the Warrior's decision to let him go and the role he may have played. "I had copped so much in the media. I made some poor decisions. I could have got a lot more out of myself and been more disciplined."

Trouble followed Locke to England. He says his time playing in Salford was tarnished by a pay dispute which he lost, and more injuries which saw him sidelined for most of his games. Disheartened, he left Salford and signed with the bottom-ranked team the Wakefield Wildcats. That tenure was also cut short after a highly publicised incident involving – you guessed it – a motor vehicle. Locke was a passenger in a car when the driver, team member and former NRL player Tim Smith, crashed the vehicle. Locke was not charged but knew after the incident that it was time for him to leave the UK and it was mutually agreed that he be released from the club.

Although it was stressful, Locke had moral support in the UK from his wife Chelsea Pitman. The pair, who met and fell in love over the internet three years ago, wed in December at Sydney's Taronga Zoo. Chelsea was part of the Australian netball team that won the 2011 World Cup. Locke says that being married to another sports player means that his wife knows exactly what he goes through. "She's my rock. Whenever I'm feeling down, I call her and she talks me off the ledge. It's great to receive that kind of help from someone who I love and who makes me happy."

Despite last year having to endure the pain of a miscarriage due to ectopic pregnancy, theirs is a stable, loving marriage. For the first time in years, Locke has not had to take antidepressants. Being a father to three-year-old Louie, is his other big source of happiness.

"Every time I'm with him, I'm a different person. I love him more than anything and I want to make him proud of me. That gives me the drive to get better."

Locke says that opening up about his depression feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He's not fishing for sympathy, or using his depression as an excuse for the bad choices he's made in life. He simply wants to let everyone know that it's okay to talk about it.

"And, most importantly, it does get better," he adds.

As for his future? He has age on his side. He's still young enough to make an impact. He's recovering from major shoulder surgery, and once he has healed he hopes to get back into the game he loves.

"I'm not with any team at the moment, I'm on my own. I'm keeping the faith that I can make it again. I want to prove to myself that I'm better than I was and that I've changed."

WHERE TO GET HELP

Lifeline - 0800 543 354

Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757

Healthline - 0800 611 116

Samaritans - 0800 726 666

Suicide Crisis Helpline (aimed at those in distress, or those who are concerned about the wellbeing of someone else) - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Youthline - 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz