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My new bank, the poorly officiated and disappointing Logan Paul/KSI fight, slippery dress shoes, sportsmanship, the TPUSA meltdown, Ethan Ralph from The Ralph Retort is in studio, Sean says “we live in a society”, a man called “Chaggot” presents his book about autism that has emojis in it and explains how he was arrested for meth and robbing a Gamestop, a Clown World prediction from the past, actual Nazis, how to make the first move on a girl, more on what makes you gay, the Dr. Phil commentary is up, and something called “The JQ”; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The biggest shocker of the decade came last week when my lost The Dr. Phil tapes were released to the Internet for the first time in ten years. Well prepare to have that shock topped right now when you learn that we did an emergency, action-packed, sausage-packed, behind-the-scenes-packed, four-hour comedy commentary event to those lost episodes. Join me, Sean, Ethan Ralph of The Ralph Retort, Nick Rekieta, Null from Kiwi Farms, Kian the Hero, Wormwood, HeHeSillyComics, Cantillions, Hazencruz, and a very special guest, for the Dicktation commentary track to end all Dicktation commentary tracks, “Dr. Phil: The House of Judgement”. What a party.

You can find the lost Dr. Phil episodes at your favorite wretched hive of scum and villainy–I prefer Twitter; and you can find our commentary track at Patreon.com/TheDickShow. I’ll be honest with you guys, I really don’t think there’s any topping this one. Nor is there any topping this thumbnail for it by Cliff Campbell.

Download it today, but first…

Banning porn is easy when you think about it. You just have to make it illegal for people to look at pornography. Done. Next!

Just like how we made cars that run on water illegal and any discussion of the Flat Moon Theory–and when’s the last time you encountered either of those?

Now, I know what you’re thinking, we’ve successfully banned looking at pornography, but what about people who think about pornography? Or who create their own pornography? And what even is pornography?

Great questions and I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is, you don’t have to worry about those questions because they are all illegal. And the bad news is, you’re going to jail.

Put fifty thousand people in an arena and half of them will stupidly cheer for a team who isn’t going to win. This is a testament to the awfulness of the machine learning of the human brain, being trained on the data to error again and again because it doesn’t work, but that doesn’t matter. It’s more data.

Dancing is forbidden. Pronouns are mandatory. Hate speech is a tax. Getting ten types of high is restricted to the governance of a representative priest class of the corporate oligarchy–don’t worry, your representative and your allotment of chemicals are affordable! Sandwiches are illegal.

The pendulum swings only to extremes forever. On both sides, forever. Technology shortens the rope, increasing the brutal frequency of zealotry and control and the individual is sliced into many. Life is a crime; we live in a society, and the only thing we need is someone to do something about it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What if they do the wrong thing? We’ll make that illegal. Are we making too many things illegal? We’ll make doing that illegal. Porn is banned, thinking about porn is banned. Under penalty of death because that is the only penalty there is. But you wouldn’t want to live in a world filled with porn anyway, or a world without it. I forget which one we’re going for–which is illegal. And to stop others from forgetting, we’ll put reminders on police cars and buildings. Celebrities will lecture us about it on television. We’ll give each other lectures about it. We’ll paint it across the fucking sky.

STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX.

We can think clearly now, maybe for the first time in decades. And the Flat Moon Theory is actually starting to make a lot of sense again. Maybe we shouldn’t have banned it.

I searched for an article about the harmful effects of pornography before this show and the link I found served up a full page pop-ad for a student loan. I beat off to the irony of it.

Dick Pics





A thumbnail–the only thumbnail, that can top the previously un-toppable thumbnail by Cliff Campbell.

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