

In a mood of melancholic nostalgia for the good old days when he was still in the Guinness Book as World’s Hugest Infant, Norbizness sent me this snapshot, taken in the Sugarland Home for Unwed Mothers just before I put him up for adoption in 1948.

I can’t say for sure, but I think feminism may have a slight image problem, at least among dudes who identify as “Geek men.” Sadistic blamer Pris goaded me via email into perusing the afore-linked forum, wherein “feminists” — although nobody is suggesting that they should be denied “equal rights” — are lamented most poignantly as having abandoned femininity. The burning question is this: “Are there any aspects of feminism that make a woman more appealing to you, as a geek man?”

The answer, according to the responding experts on feminist theory, is ”no.” Feminism is a universal uglifier, in that it requires its apostles to betray their Prime Directive, i.e. The Pursuit of Pornaliciosity, in an effort to fulfill their unholy destiny as masculine men-haters.

Says Geek man Mac D:

I am in no way saying that the female gender should not have equal rights and be able to pursue her dreams what ever they might be. It’s just when I go out on a date with a girl I like them to let me open the door for them and pick up the check. […] Feminazi’s go just way to far. They think to be equal they need to be exactly like a guy. My ex-wife […] has what most people would call a mans job but she still acts like a girl.

Hear that, potential “female gender” dates of Mac D? So that everything he believes about what is right and good with the world does not come crashing down around him, you must pretend to be an impecunious weakling. FYI: he doesn’t specifically demand this, but, woman to woman, you might further bolster his precarious sense of privilege by coyly revealing a bit of dÃ©colletage at dinner, while speaking (when spoken to, of course!) disparagingly about the 19th Amendment. Play your cards right, and he just might throw his sportcoat onto a mud puddle for you, you sexy little equal, you.

To further illuminate the deplorable condition of feminist sex appeal, feminist scholar nerdwithnofriends has helpfully compiled a compendium of the different species of feminists, so that such women might be more easily identified, and reviled, by his fellow Geek men. The “man-haters,” for example, “tend to have lots of stock phrases that they bandy about,” one of the most fearsome of which is the ubiquitous “damn you and your patriarchy!”

Feminists, according to nerdwithnofriends, are also frequently heard stampeding around town intoning other common catch-phrases, such as “If women ruled the world, there would be no war, starvation, disease, or death” and “You can’t possibly understand, you’re an emotionally closed off MALE!!!” The din kicked up by these women is deafening.

Nerdwithnofriends, I should point out in the interest of fairness, wishes to set the record straight when he avers that of course men feel emotions; it’s just that men are “simply (on average) more capable of controlling how they affect [them].”

And then there are the “new-age feminists.” This unfuckable bunch base their ideology on the core belief that “men are incapable of true creation because they are incapable of bearing a child. (See Terminator Two for a quote).” Nerdwithnofriends’ analysis of the new-age feminist critique of the U.S.’s “truly amazing system of electrical distribution” (telephone poles are “not very pretty”) is not to be missed.

Our professor’s closing remarks identify the “problem” with “‘modern’ feminism”: “it no longer seeks equality for women, but superiority.”

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that because these statements are merely the unsophisticated Internetian (rhymes with “Venetian”) prattle of terrified young honky dudes with Oedipal issues, this bit of blaming more or less constitutes shooting fish in a barrel. And you’re right. But lately I’ve been seeing a resurgence of a disturbing trend, which resurgence these Geek men illustrate perfectly.

Their remarks represent what I have scientifically determined to be the most prevalent misconception about American feminists (aside from our famed dedication to the Three Hs: Hairiness, Humorlessness, and Hate): that we desire “equality” with men. This notion of inadequate women clamoring for parity is undoubtedly a comforting one, since it postulates “men” as the ideal that is desperately sought by legions of shrill bitches who, ultimately, are doomed never to prevail owing to “innate differences.”

That equality with men is the last thing on the radical feminist’s To Do list will not blow any veteran blamer’s mind, but it is incumbent on the spinster aunt to reiterate every ten minutes or so that our objective is liberation from male dominance, not the opportunity to mimic the patriarchal model of oppression .

If you are not a feminist, you defend the conviction — here haplessly demonstrated by our Geek men — that women exist for male use.