Chuck O’Donnell

Correspondent

National Coming Out Day on Oct. 11 is an opportunity for people to publicly declare their sexual orientations and gender identities

The Youth Drop-In Program is in The Pride Center of New Jersey, in Highland Park

The program is open to LGBT youth and their straight allies, 17 and under (18, if still in high school)

Its organizer wanted to create a space where kids could "totally be themselves — whatever that may be"

HIGHLAND PARK – The morning after her 15th birthday, Adina Kohn decided to approach her longtime tormentor at school, look him in the eye and scream at the top of her lungs.

"I'm gay!" she bellowed.

With two words and one visceral burst of emotion, Kohn had come out to the school and the world.

It didn't take long for the news to travel the halls.

"By homeroom," she said, "I was getting funny looks and everyone had stopped talking to me."

Many youth who will use National Coming Out Day on Oct. 11 as an opportunity to publicly declare their sexual orientations and gender identities will undoubtedly face the same cold shoulders and long stares that Kohn did. Several others will be ostracized, harassed and bullied. Some will even be banished from their homes and cast out onto the streets.

Kohn and hundreds of other kids under the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender umbrella — commonly referred to as LGBT — have turned to The Youth Drop-In Program. As one of the many resources provided by the borough-based Pride Center of New Jersey, it has been a safe haven and a source of strength for 11 years.

The program runs 1 to 4 p.m. on the second and fourth Saturdays of every month at the Pride Center's offices on Raritan Avenue. It's open to anyone 17 and under, or they can be 18, if they are still in high school.

Sometimes, they chat about their latest crushes and new clothes. Other times, they will move the chipped wooden table aside, open a space on the tan carpeting, form a circle and talk about their troubles in their schools, in their homes, in their social lives.

Not always easy

Kohn and the other 15 or so kids who met there on a recent Saturday afternoon know that every day is coming out day for kids across the country, and that having a place where they are accepted and loved can be hard to find.

"I feel I can open up here," said Kohn, who now identifies herself as transgender. "I feel like there are other people like me and I can talk to them about this type of thing. I feel like it's more or less a way to say good morning to life."

Ellen Gilio, a Bergen County-based attorney, was inspired to organize the Youth Drop-In Program after hearing one story of LGBT teen suicide after another.

Brokenhearted, she sought to create a space where kids can "totally be themselves — whatever that may be."

After looking at some 200 similar programs across the country, Gilio realized the most successful ones largely eschewed rigid structure and emphasized creating a warm, welcoming environment. Adult advisors play an active role when needed, but they might not have to do much more than make sure the pizza has been ordered.

Over the years, kids have come from as far away as Northern Jersey, the suburbs of Philadelphia or from down the Jersey Shore. Others have been within walking distance. Some come once or twice a year for several years. Some show up every time.

Gilio can't begin to guess how many lives the program has saved. Probably dozens. She carries their stories in her heart, like the ones who have been attacked while walking down the street for no other reason than they were gay. Or the ones who came this close to cutting their wrists.

The Saturday meetings have been the only thing keeping some of them going over the years.

"A large percentage of my members have tried to kill themselves," she said. "It's always the majority. Sometimes it's 80 percent, sometimes it's 70 or 60 percent that have tried."

In fact, the rates of suicide and homelessness among LGBT kids are much higher than among their straight peers. While gay kids make up about 5 percent of the population in the United States, they constitute some 40 percent of the homeless youth population. According to The Center for American Progress, in an article in the Sept. 25 issue of Rolling Stone, there are between 320,000 and 400,000 homeless LGBT youths in the country.

Changing times

The hope is that recent high-profile headlines — such as when Michael Sam became the first openly gay player to be drafted into the NFL this past spring or when President Obama called Jason Collins to congratulate him on being the first openly gay player in the NBA or the strides made on gay marriage rights — may one day make it easier for others when they come out.

But for now, the Youth Drop-In Program is filled with stories such as one male-to-female transgender college student who was more comfortable coming out anonymously to people she didn't know in cyberspace than telling her family. After all, her father still asks for her by her birth name when he comes to pick her up each Saturday.

"When everyone else out there is using the right pronouns and the right names, it's just sort of uncomfortable to be reminded of this," she said.

Those youths that will use National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to declare their sexual orientations and gender identities will soon learn that it will be just the first step of a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. For them, the door to the room in the bottom floor at 85 Raritan Ave. will always be open.

"Everybody is so open and accepting about everything," said Brielle's Molly Keenan, who came to the realization that she is a lesbian while walking her dog, Jellybean, about four years ago. "The people here are a lot of fun to be around because they're just willing to talk about anything. You got problems? They'll have an open conversation with you.

"You feel like talking about bacon-flavored ice cream, they're there for you," she said. "That was actually one of the topics today. Not bacon-flavored ice cream, but bacon and ice cream. Just fun stuff like that."

About the Youth Drop-In Program

Where: The Pride Center of New Jersey, 85 Raritan Ave., Suite 100, Highland Park

When: The program runs second and fourth Saturdays of each month, 1-4 p.m.

What: The program is open to LGBT youth and their straight allies, 17 and under (18, if still in high school.) Kids 12 and under need parental permission. The Pride Center's website describes it as a place for them to find "support, fun or to talk about what's going on in their lives." While often informal, there are adult advisors and programs such as movies, guest speakers and games. The Pride Center is run by volunteers and funded by donations.

For more information: Call Youth Drop-In organizer Ellen Gilio at 973-342-1108 or log on to pridecenter.org.