Pornography is consumed by all types of people, and indulges our wildest fantasies but many forget that it’s just that – a fantasy. I know I’ve been with men that seem to not grasp that simple fact. Watching porn will not teach you how to be the world greatest lover no more than watching ER will make you a doctor. To spare the vaginas and moral of up and coming lovers I’ve made a list of the 5 Things You See in Porn That You Should Never Actually Do During Sex

5. Go Balls Deep in a Total Stranger RAW

Its almost a cliché, the hot chick needs a service rendered and somehow manages to sex the delivery boy, plumber, Rabbi or whoever it is she needs something from.

These two or more strangers get it on and there’s not a condom to be seen. No discussion of sexual history, birth control, or any of the things you should know about a person before you let them put their genitals on you.

In the real world porn stars need to take a test every month to make sure that STDs and AIDS don’t spread among actors. As for birth control I assume they take care of that on their own. Unfortunately most people are not porn actors and barely will get tested ever year let alone every month.

No matter what anyone tells you sex enough people raw and you ARE going to get something.

Even porn stars might have to keep it a little more real if the AIDS Healthcare Foundation gets someone to sponsor their bill, which would hold porn producers to the same standards as hospitals when it comes to preventing the spread of disease. So wrap it up kids.

4. Don’t Spit on my Vagina!

Don’t spit in it, pour liquor (not matter how expensive), or insert fruit into my vagina. While these acts have been showcased numerous times in “romantic “ or “porn for women” this is a horrible thing to do.

Alcohol, Sugar and most chemicals should never be put inside a woman. You see the vagina is moist, dark and hot, when you add something like sugar it’s the perfect breeding ground for bacteria and fungus.

What you usually see in a movie is a tease that might lead one to believe that chocolate, or fruit has actually been inside the actress, but that’s easy to achieve with editing. Not to mention that the actress can quickly wash and resume shooting. Most couples don’t yell, “cut” after foreplay.

There is just no good reason to put peanut butter, wine or any other crap that belongs in a kitchen in chocha, NONE. If it is stank you shouldn’t be eating it and trying to “flavor it” is just going to make it worst.

And don’t spit on my vagina, there is nothing that kills the mood faster than some asshole hawking a logy up my birth canal. I implore any woman that digs this act to please leave a comment and explain, because I’m baffled.

You spit on the graves of your enemies, not on cherished birth canals. It’s like spitting directly into the winking eye of God. Not a good look.

3. Attempt to go through the entire Kama Sutra in one session.

Porn positions look amazing, because that is their main purpose to LOOK good. If they actually feel good really isn’t the director’s issue. All they want are positions that allow them to film penetration from multiple angles.

Positions aren’t picked because they feel just that damn good, in fact most “porn” positions for me at least kind of suck. They are awkward, intimacy-blocking ventures that rarely hit the right spots.

The Snuggie Sutra should also be handled one position at a time.

Another thing they do in porn that can just be bloody annoying is switch positions ever five seconds. How is one supposed to orgasm if as soon as you get into a position its time to change? Of course this is mostly the fault of editing. The positions are usually happening out of sequence and to completion.

While its fun to watch being an actual participant in a sexual contortion show might prove to be mighty disappointing. Especially since actors in porn are professionals, they spend their time making sure they can twist , pump, contort and what have you. YOU do not. So most of the positions you try to emulate will either make you very sore or cost you a trip to the doctor.

It’s unfortunate that so many “learn” sex through pornography, it’s not exactly going to teach you how to make your partner feel good.

2. Play shitty music

Porn Music and Bad Music are almost synonymous with each other. Some would ask why does porn even have music when 89% of the time it’s watched with the volume muted.

You might think a bad soundtrack isn’t going to make or break a sexual encounter. Well obviously you’ve never put your ITunes to random only to blasted with an embarrassing song mid coitus. Even more important than mood, music during sex might make or break a man’s stroke game.

According to science and numerous studies even as babies humans recognize and imitate aural rhythm patterns. This could be anything as simply as tapping your fingers on the arm of your chair to tapping dat ass. Sadly most of the awful public domain soft jazz used in porn lacks percussion.

While there ARE a lot of porn that use fake hip-hop in the background most of the words are even more distracting than a young money song. (Looking at You Nikki Minaj, pussy on his sideburns seriously, wtf?)

According to a 1998 study the best music to make love to be actually Latin and African inspired genres with upbeat tempo. They prompted men to thrust deeper and at the most steady and frequent pace.

1. Feedback less Fucking and Faking it

How many times have you heard the phrases “Does this feel good?” , “Show me how to…” or “How do you usually…” my guess is never. Even in porn made for women they mostly feature fantasy lovers that automatically know how to have amazing sex with each other.

Anyone that has ever hooked up can attest that the automatic dream lover that you will have a simultaneous orgasm with does not exist. What turned on a past lover might totally turn off another; no one should take his or her technique as gospel.

Sex is something people do with each other. Intercourse should mutually beneficial exchange between two (or more) people. Those people should be communicating with each other. Sex will never be amazing if you go through life searching of the humping messiah that will get it perfect on the first try.

For guys that think they are failures because the chick you met 2 hours ago at the club didn’t have a screaming O. You should ask yourself if you don’t know chica’s name, how do you expect to know enough about her to get her off?

Every gender specific magazine will try to tell you they can make you a sexual dynamo with some tips and tricks, but they might work for some and not others. You’ll never know what does it for your lover if you aren’t speaking to them about it.

This one is especially for the ladies; you help NO ONE by faking it. If a guy is doing a crummy job and you convince him he just hit it out of the ballpark he’ll never change. You’ll never cum and everyone is crabby for no good reason.

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