Washington D.C.—

The National Republican Committee this morning voted unanimously to change the party’s mascot from the elephant to a rabies-ridden opossum. The elephant had been used to symbolize the GOP since 1874 when political satirist Thomas Nast featured it in a cartoon.

“It just seemed time for a change,” explained RNC Chairman Ralph Wiggles, who spearheaded the rebranding effort since taking over last November. “So I directed a committee in the RNC to put together a list of suitable replacements. The top five choices were a dolphin, because we’re so smart; a velociraptor because we shred the Democrats with our political cheating, a KKK Klansman—that one was regrettable, but we included it to appease the demands of committee member Jeff Sessions—an orangutan, to represent Trump, which was another regrettable choice because we perhaps erroneously let #NeverTrumper Bill Kristol in the committee and he insisted; and of course the ultimate winner: a hissing, rabid opossum. The possum was everyone’s second-place choice, so it was a good compromise agreement, and everybody concurred that it fit splendidly. The contemporary Republican Party is of course a militantly minority party desperately forcing its ideology upon a population that has only popularly voted for a Republican president one time in the last 7 elections, and the rabies metaphorically stands for our party’s sudden cancerous invasions of nazism. We’re all very pleased with the accuracy of this anthropomorphized symbol for the Republican Party.”

(Picture courtesy of Cygnus921.)

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