Well, it’s the third week in Advent and the second week of the Holiday editions of ‘Not Ha Ha Funny’. When it comes to regular output of stupid and unfunny comics, After Eden, found on the Answers in Genesis website, is one of the top exporters. Occasionally there are a few mildly funny ones when the topic is just biblical stories, though usually as funny as Garfield after 50 years. But it really shines when it comes to attacking and misrepresenting others. Add a little Christmas cheer and you get magic! Let’s have a look, shall we?

The Comic

The Deconstruction

Gosh, darn, wasn’t the past just wonderful? Remember when we could leave our doors unlocked, everyone believed the same thing and no one questioned the procurement of public assets for religious use? How did we, as a country, lose our way and allow these gosh darn atheists to wage war on Christmas and our nation? I remember when I was a kid, everyone was happy worshipping the Christ Child. But now all I see are angry, bitter atheists. Why do they hate ‘murica so much?

Yeah, nostalgia will do that trick on your mind. In the past we all worshipped God and were happy. All those atheists, apostates, and pagans didn’t dare pop their heads up.

I, and I think a great majority of secular people are no where like the mean-spirited portrayal of ‘Christmas Present’. Sure, some people are like that, but even those who want Christian decorations taken down from publicly funded and sanctioned spaces don’t care one iota if you celebrate Christmas. Many of us secularists quite enjoy Christmas, because it isn’t just a religious holiday.

The real reason for the season is love. Even in the deepest, darkest parts of winter friends and family are there to care for you. Not all secularists wish to celebrate Christmas, and that is their choice. However when it comes to use of public property and money – well, let’s say it’s either open for all religions or none of them. Oklahoma is finding out about that these days.

However, let’s appreciate the straw-atheists presented.

“We wish there was no Christmas”

Might be true for some. I enjoy it. Many atheists do. Get over it.

“Away with the manger”

Well, away with (practicing) religious symbols in public places. The state isn’t supposed to promote any particular religion. If it’s on your property, who cares? It’s not like there is a dearth of churches and church properties you can use, why use public courts, parks and other government owned locations?

“Silence the Right. Religious Right.”

Nope. Sure there are a few secularists who think that, but they are idiots. Free speech is fundamental. But guess what. That goes both ways. In fact, religious right, please take a microphone. The more you let yourself be heard, the faster people will realise the idiocy.

“What child is this?”

Cute. Also, terrible grammar. It should read “Whose child is this?” Seriously, what kind of parents just abandon their child in a nativity display? Well, at least it wasn’t a nativity display on public land.

Oh. Wait. Were you trying to show how the current generation is ignorant to religious facts? Well, I agree. We need to teach kids more about religion. All religions. Isn’t it funny how the Christian majority tend to not know as much about religion, even their own, when compared to atheists? I find it hilarious.

The Revision

You know, one of the Christmas songs mentioned is fairly innocuous. Most modern Christmas songs are pretty secular. Of course this doesn’t bode well for the religious right who want to make sure Christmas is for Christians in this ‘Christians country’ of ours. So fair enough, After Eden’s Christmas present is what they think they hear from secularists (and to be fair, some might actually hold those positions), so let’s switch it around. How do the fanatics sound to people who appreciate a secular celebration?

We Wish You a Merry Christmas -> We Wish You Were All Christians

We wish you were all Christians

We wish you were all Christians

We wish you were all Christians

and not godless heathens

Good tidings we bring

If you worship our King

We wish you were all Christians

and not godless heathens.

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth -> All God Wants for Christmas is Your Obedience

All God wants for Christmas is obedience.

Obedience

Your obedience.

All God wants for Christmas is obedience

And total unthinkin’ devotion

I’ll Be Home for Christmas -> Don’t Come Home for Christmas

(for you terrible parents out there)

Don’t come home for Christmas

You’re not child of ours

Unless you change you’ll always be

A godless reprobate

Jesus Christ will find you

If you give your heart

You’ll come home for Christmas

when you turn off your brain

One more, one more… um… actually, I think I’ll leave the last one.

What Child Is This? -> What Child Is This?

What child is this, with welfare checks,

On all our taxes sucking?

Who gangsters greet with raps so sweet,

While new baby-mommas be banging.