The Dude takes on the Duke on the 'Trail to High Adventure'. Who is the grittest?

Watch the trailer for the Coen brothers's remake

Watch the trailer for the 1969 original

It's hard to know what to think about the Coen brothers' upcoming True Grit remake. At first glance it looks like a return to the award-winning filmmaking last seen in No Country For Old Men. But then again, remember what happened when they tried to remake The Ladykillers? Remember what a furious bodge that turned out to be?

So will how will the new True Grit compare to the 1969 original? There's only one way to settle this: comparing the trailers ...

Best Mattie Ross

True Grit 1

1969: Kim Darby, better known as Professor Brooks from Teen Wolf Too.

True Grit 2

2010: Hailee Steinfeld, better known as Little Girl in one episode of Kelsey Grammer's short-lived post-Frasier news-based sitcom Back To You.

Winner: Although Steinfeld has already been singled out for greatness, has she ever played a teacher in a low-budget sequel to a film about a teenage werewolf with an unusual fondness for the music of the Beach Boys? No. Thus, 1969 wins.

Best Rooster Cogburn

True Grit 3

1969: John Wayne. Clean-shaven. Patch over his left eye. Mildly disgruntled. Dead.

True Grit 4

2010: Jeff Bridges. Bearded. Patch over his right eye. Intensely sombre. Next seen in a film about a magical computer game.

Winner: A tough decision. But, on the basis that John Wayne would never have starred in a film about a magical computer game, the point goes to 1969.

Best Tom Chaney

True Grit 5

1969: Jeff Corey, a respected character actor who used his blacklisting-enforced 12-year absence from movies to pass on his craft to icons like James Dean, Peter Fonda, Jack Nicholson and Robin Williams.

True Grit 6

2010: That bloke out of The Goonies.

Winner: Easy. 1969.

Best depiction of Rooster Cogburn firing two guns with a strap in his mouth on the back of a galloping horse

True Grit 7

1969: This image is a testament to masculinity at its rawest. Not only is John Wayne pointing both guns at his assailants, but his strapwork is also exemplary. Look at the power of his mandible, biting down fearsomely on the leather. Oh yes, John Wayne is a man alright.

True Grit 8

2010: What the hell is this? Bridges is holding his guns in the air like some sort of fairy, plus look how ineffectually he's biting on that strap. Even his horse looks embarrassed to carry him. A disappointment.

Winner: 1969 again.

Best tagline

True Grit 9

1969: "As GRITTY as the Trail to High Adventure!" which doesn't really make a great deal of sense. Is the trail to High Adventure gritty? Is there a trail to High Adventure? Is High Adventure even a real place that can be accessed by any form of transportation, trail or otherwise? The lack of clarification on this issue is irritating at best.

True Grit 10

2010: "Retribution." As bad as "As GRITTY as the Trail to High Adventure!" is, at least you could never argue that it sounds like it should be the title of a mid-1990s straight-to-video Steven Seagal action movie. But you can here. For shame, the Coen brothers. For shame.

Winner: 1969 by a nose.

Best scene of Rooster Cogburn hilariously falling off a horse because he's drunk

True Grit 11

1969: Classic falling here. Note the amusingly cocked leg, the bottle still at Cogburn's mouth and the studied nonchalance of the horse. Hilarious drunken falling off a horse doesn't get more hilarious than this.

True Grit 12

2010: What? The trailer for the new True Grit doesn't feature Rooster Cogburn hilariously falling off a horse? Not even once? Hopefully this is because in the actual film itself the "Rooster Cogburn hilariously falling off a horse because he's drunk" scene is so epic that it'd overshadow everything else. If not, this is a disgrace.

Winner: 1969, obviously.

Result

A clean sweep for 1969. This just goes to prove that, while the Coen brothers might be winning everyone over with their trailer, nothing quite beats staying at home all day watching old John Wayne films like your racist old neighbour does.