I thought I had gotten better at it — taking the right dose for any given occasion. I’ve been microdosing for years. I started in 2017, with the Fadiman regimen (one day on, three days off); more recently, I was microdosing as a spot-treatment for depressive dips. In attempts to recalibrate my mood. Some would call this masking the issue. It was, in a way.

I haven’t taken acid since that last ride. I reached my limit, and microdosing no longer serves my daily functioning. The last few times I’ve done it, I’ve been wrought with anxiety and shot into mania. It no longer stabilizes my mood, so this experimental chapter has ended.

What changed my interaction with acid? Maybe it’s impossible to get the dose right for a body constantly in flux. Maybe I’m taking too much. I imagine if acid were regulated, it would be easier to determine the proper dose. It’s the risk I take experimenting with the unregulated. Nevertheless, the quality of my tabs has been consistent. Same batch, single source. 1P-LSD purchased online from a lab. I trust the drips have been evenly distributed across the blotter. Trimmed the same slit I usually do: about half a quarter, or ~12.5 mcg.

It’s as if I’ve dialed into some continual hyper-introspective psychological loop.

Microdosing always used to produce an expected result: a lifted mood, intensified presence, shift of awareness into the euphoric of the everyday, with the ability to focus on a task and move smoothly through daily activities and responsibilities. For someone who tends to hide inside internal dialogues, microdosing historically helped me step outside the confines of my mind, my apartment, and into the sunlight. It helped me feel more comfortable and confident navigating between the internal and external world, instilling some sense of existential and metaphysical ease in being.

This worked well, for a while. But that last dose set me off. Sure, it extinguished a depressive rut, but it also shot me into overdrive. I was rushing around the city aimlessly. My heart, racing. Manic, anxious, spiraling out of control.