I have to admit

I Like Missing my Kids

Because as a parent, you need to get away from them sometimes

I took a part-time position in another city, in another country. Being in Europe, where the sense of distance is different… it means nothing major: only a three-hour train ride from home, but it means that I am spending one night away — every week. I’m leaving early in the morning on Tuesdays, spend my whole day working, stay a night and then on Wednesdays I am heading back. It also gives me a feeling of traveling — and I love that. Train rides, music, writing — what’s not to love?

I woke up Wednesday morning, alone in a comfortable yet impersonal hotel room with washed out colors, where everything is way too tidy…. with balconies that look on the railway station… I felt like in a movie. I made myself a coffee, wandered around in the room, had a long hot shower, got dressed… a strange feeling hit me:

I miss my kids.

And another feeling came in rapid succession… I like this feeling — a little too much.

Then guilt arrived, of course — when I started to feel good about not having my kids prancing around when I am trying to sip my coffee or trying to spend 17 seconds alone — in the bathroom.

I shook the guilt off.

I could never keep my houseplants alive and I was hesitating to even get a puppy because it is too much responsibility… And here I am with three daughters…

I love my kids to bits. I like to be a mother, I like parenting. I even like the challenges and ups and downs.

Being a mum is a great thing. I would lie if I said that I love every moment of it because truth be told I’m sometimes closer to hating every moment of it. Because it sucks. It’s scary, it’s exhausting, it’s pointless. And it’s neverending.

My dad told me once,

I knew on the day you were born that I will never again have another peaceful minute. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And he was right… It is a terrific and epic ride, from the second they are born until your heart stops beating.

And the consequences… they are just… incredibly terrifying and incredibly amazing:

You have to be there for them. Always.

From the second your child is born you need to be there for them. They need you. And no matter how much you give, there is always something more to take. When they are newborns they need you to survive, and it is a 24/7 job, for the rest of your life. And it doesn’t get better with time, it just gets different. They need you to listen to them. They need you to help them. They need you to understand them. They need your energy, your time, your private space. Your hugs, your kisses, your words, your scolding. And they go to extreme length if you are not willing. Tiring as hell. A surefire way to burnout.

On the plus side: if you are there for them when they need you it is probable that they will be there for you when you need them. I’m not just talking about being old and not shipped away to a care home, but also the reassurance that you did sort of okay, as no matter how hysterical they get as teenagers they still can come up to you and hug you tight.

There are times when you can’t help them

Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash

This one starts early. There is no baby who doesn’t cry more than a parent would like them. Yes, sure we tell ourselves that babies will cry, but nothing feels more helpless than not knowing the reason and not being able to help. To hold a child through a night fighting off a fever, or to stand by them when they get bullied at school. Not to mention the first heartbreak. Personally, this latter one makes me want to rip the throat out of the boy who did it to my daughter, but that is no help, so again, here I am helpless.

On the plus side: our notion of help differs from what our kids need. Sometimes just being there for them, believing in them, making sure they know that it’s okay is enough. And empowering them to help themselves is a bigger gift than solving all of their problems.

You will feel guilty

I know, I do. All. The. Time. For not being the best mother, or even a good mother, or even just a good enough mother. For not being able to be there for them all the time. For being annoyed with them, for yelling at them, for being angry with them. For being too tired for their questions, for not being interested in their stories — for faking attention. For being impatient and frustrated. I feel guilty all the time. And whenever the feeling fades and I convince myself for a few minutes or days that I am enough, life happens and throws me another situation where I feel I am not ready. And I will never be.

On the plus side: The guilt is universal. Talking to any parent who cares about their kids, you will learn that we all feel it is too much, that we can’t take it and that we are not doing enough for them or for ourselves in terms of self-care. I take comfort in being human and being part of this global parenting community that revolves around feeling guilty.

You don’t have a single moment alone

Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash

This is something I am still not used to — after 12 years of being a mum. They appear at the most unexpected times. No shower-time, no toilet break is respected. No important phone call is important enough for them. No adult conversation is heavy enough not to interrupt and talk about the flowers they picked at kindergarten or the friendship bracelet they did for the best friend of this week. And they are always there, listening, watching, interrupting.

On the plus side: You can teach them how to respect your private space. You can set up boundaries that they need to keep. You can try to carve out precious minutes to teach them the notion of personal space and time. You can encourage them to also ask for it, and if they do, you’ll need to listen. I’d highly recommend this.

Your name is changed to Mum or Dad

In my country at the minute your baby is born, you are stripped off of your name. You become Mum (or Dad). This is how they talk to you in the hospital, in the offices, in the nursery, the kindergarten, and the school. You are no longer you. You are the parent of your kid.

On the plus side: You can do this too. No need to memorize more names than necessary. I have dozens of phone numbers saved in my phone with the name Mary’s Mum — also adding my kids’ name to know which one friended whom. I’m talking to Mary’s mum on the phone without knowing her name. And she doesn’t know mine either. Quite liberating. Especially for the lazy and uninterested mother like I am.

You need help

Being an adult means that you can manage on your own. And suddenly, you cannot. You need help from the pediatrician, you need help from your parents to manage your time, you need help from a babysitter or a friend — as life goes on and there are some instants when you can’t have your kids with you.

On the plus side: you learn to ask for help and accept it. For a strong person, it is a difficult lesson. To show that you are not perfect, that you can’t do it on your own. You learn that asking for help is not a weakness and it makes you stronger.

You can forget about your plans

All of them. Keep the kids’ plays and deadlines in mind, but forget that you had plans. Plan to get up earlier and do the workout you missed — it will be the days when they have vomitted through the whole night. Plan to get ready for a business meeting — they will wake up with a runny nose and fever. Plan to ditch them on your mum — this will be the day when they show unexpected affection and express that all they want is to stay home with you.

On the plus side: You learn to appreciate the unexpected fortunate moments. When suddenly they want to go to Grandma, and they arrange it with her without involving you and all you know that you have the night for yourself. Or when suddenly they decide to go to bed early and you are free to do whatever at 8pm. Cherish them!

You will eat leftovers

Photo credit: Tookapic

Or you need to exchange the carefully chosen food in the restaurant. This goes more to dads than mums, but mums fall victim to it too (I’m thinking of you Jun Wu). But it’s still true. You can’t choose what you eat, you eat what is left. This is how dads end up eating pizza crust and the fatty parts of the bacon. And the broccoli, don’t forget the broccoli and the carrots.

On the plus side: Going childfree to a restaurant feels like heaven. You are not complaining, you are just happy. You are being served and they bring you what you asked for. Amazing, isn’t it?

You will screw it up

Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas from Pexels

I don’t know how to say this, but no matter what you do, you will screw it up. Each kid is a different galaxy we have no knowledge about. What works with one will not flow with the other. The experience will not help. Books will not help. Articles will not help. The truth is, you have no idea how you fuck it up, this is why you cannot prevent it. You don’t know what sentence you uttered will make them go to therapy in 20 years. You can’t know it. The best you can is to try not to, and: forgive yourself if you do.

On the plus side: There is no exception to that. It has been like this for generations. The difference is that now we care. But it is what it is. We are human. We are not perfect. And it is a great lesson to learn and embrace.