Editor’s Note : Continuing the “clergy guilt” theme, we take a look at how guilt at becoming a non-believer played out for a missionary who was far, far from home.

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By John Lombard

What are some of the things you regret, if any, about staying a member of the clergy after you no longer believed? I was a missionary in China, building underground churches and converting Christians. When I decided I definitely no longer believed, I quit, so that part of the question isn’t relevant. But I had questions and doubts for years before that. I had real doubts about what I was teaching, but I kept teaching it. For me, the biggest regret is that the Chinese I converted were truly risking their jobs, their reputations, and their freedom, because being involved in underground churches was entirely illegal. I had to convince them that the risk of temporal punishment for their faith was worth the eternal reward in Heaven. Today, I deeply regret putting those people in that position.

2. What are some of the things you learned about yourself, your family, your congregation (or religious community) or society from your new perspective as a non-believing clergy? Oh, geez, I could write a whole book on just that topic. I think the biggest thing I learned was how much our ‘reality’ is defined by either what others have told us, or what we want to believe. The biggest struggle for me in rejecting my faith wasn’t the evidence; it was the emotional aspect of abandoning a belief system that offered me comfort and community. And that the vast majority of people, even if faced with incontrovertible evidence, will make their decision based on emotion, rather than the actual evidence.

3. What are some of the things you learned once you left the clergy? I’ve learned tons of things. I’ve gone from being a Christian missionary and a teacher, to being an entrepreneur with multiple businesses. I discovered an incredible richness and depth to life that simply wasn’t there when I was a Christian. As a Christian, everything I did was ultimately focused on my life-after-death — how I should live my life to ensure I get into Heaven; what I should do to ensure that others get into Heaven, etc. Today, my life is much more immediate and real. Knowing that the day I die, my existence ends, lends a much greater urgency, importance, and value to my life.

4. What advantages, to yourself or to society, have you seen in getting out of the clergy. I’ve been able to do so much more good for the world as an atheist than I ever did as a Christian. As I said above, my focus as a Christian was on the afterlife, and the major ‘contribution’ of my life as an evangelist and missionary was to convert people to Christianity, and save their souls. Immediate concerns were not so important. After all, what’s a temporary life of suffering compared to an eternity of joy in Heaven? But as an atheist, my focus is on helping others here and now, in practical real-life ways. I’ve set up a non-profit organization for a Chinese ethnic minority group, and I’ve helped literally thousands of people to understand their cultural differences, to improve relationships, communication, etc. One year of my life as an atheist has more of an impact on the world and the people around me than 26 years as a Christian ever had.

5. What was it like the first time you preached a sermon after you’d realized you were no longer a believer? Didn’t happen. When I didn’t believe, I stopped preaching. And even when doubting, I’d only give sermons on those issues that I still felt fairly sure of.

6. Were there times while speaking to someone it was hard not to just blurt out what you wanted to say? Nope. In fact, I was quite open in sharing my doubts, and how my beliefs as a Christians were evolving, until the day I no longer believed at all.

7. Who was the first person you told you no longer believed, and how did conversation go? The first person I told was an atheist. That was easiest to do. I didn’t tell my parents for about eight more years. And for the Chinese Christians I was working with, telling them was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done: “Hey, you know that stuff that I’ve been telling you to risk your freedom for? Turns out it’s all nonsense, I was completely wrong, and you’ve been risking your jobs and your freedom for nothing.”

8. How have you been treated by people in your former congregation or community? There was, understandably, anger and a feeling of betrayal from the Chinese Christians I had been working with. In fact, all communication with them essentially ended once I rejected my faith. Not just because of them, but also because of me, and the shame I felt to talk with them. My Christian community back home was a much easier issue, since I was halfway around the world, so whatever anger/betrayal/condemnation some of them felt towards me was at quite a distance, and didn’t affect me that much. I lost probably 95% of my Christian friends and networks. Probably 60% of those were people who outright cut off all contact with me. The other 40% were people who didn’t condemn me or ‘cast me out’, but we simply drifted apart as we no longer shared our religious beliefs as a common bond. The few Christian who are still friends today are all people from more liberal backgrounds, who don’t consider religion to be a defining aspect of their lives.

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Bio: John Lombard is a Humanist and ex-missionary who grew up in Ontario and has been living and working in China for more than 20 years. He currently works as a cross-cultural consultant to help foreign companies seeking to do business in China. He is launching an exciting new business, ‘The Language of Culture“, to teach Cultural Intelligence, at languageofculture.net.

>>>>Photo Credits: By Gryffindor – Own work, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=785041