Last night, openly anti-abortion but pro-job-application senator Eric Abetz linked breast cancer and abortion on a TV interview with Channel 10’s the Project.

This morning, the senator claims he “studiously avoided’’ linking breast cancer with abortion. Not only that but, that he was “cut off before being able to acknowledge that Dr Angela Lanfranchi’s views on this topic were not the accepted medical view’’. This will be news to anyone who watched him gruffly cite previous medical studies, only to witness his collapsing brow when told the Australian Medical Association think Lanfranchi’s views are rubbish.

Abetz’s clarifying remarks are a classic opportunity to observe up close the how Liberal politicians try to deny they’ve laid a big, steaming turd of stupidity stinking up the nation. Put your best David Attenborough voice on for this.

1. Claim it was someone else’s fault

This is the classic opening manoeuvre from a Liberal politician under attack. When cornered, the politician will emit a loud screech blaming others for their idiocy. If yelled loudly enough, defence cries of “studiously avoided” or “[I] was cut off” can momentarily stun your pursuers.

This defence move is one of noise and hope, a hope the predators cornering the threatened Liberal won’t remember he said “I think the studies, and I think they date back from the 1950s, assert that there is a link between abortion and breast cancer” a mere 12 hours ago on national TV.

2. Give a slightly clarifying remark that acknowledges there are rational people out there

In a dance between life and bad polling death, this is where we see the threatened Liberal try to placate the pursuers who shrilly yell something about overwhelming scientific evidence.

Note how it almost sounds reasonable when Abetz says “Angela Lanfranchi’s views on this topic were not the accepted medical view” and “as I pointed out, I am associating myself with the Families Conference, the broad aims of which I support. This does not mean that I endorse the views of every single speaker.”

The effect on the pursuers is immediate – they pause in their chase, unprepared for this shock move of a Liberal politician to show logic.

3. Go full on with the cognitive dissonance denial

Emboldened by his move, the Liberal politician starts to edge away from danger so he can retreat to the safety that can only be found in the arms of other deeply conservative rich men who like mining both the earth and rights of others.

Every move is critical to ensure his escape. Just as critical though is the Liberal’s need to ensure his pack of Liberals and the conservative hate-mongers who fund them will accept him as one of their own on his return and not ostracise him as bearing the stench of logic.

He plays a desperate move to show he is still one of them. It’s a fascinating move, not unlike a mating ritual, to court his pack’s approval. He gives credence to Lanfranchi, implying she deserves professional respect to say things the entire medical and scientific community disagrees with: “Notwithstanding this, Lanfranchi is a breast cancer surgeon and a clinical assistant professor of surgery. She is the surgical co-director of the Sanofi-Aventis Breast Care Centre and the Steeplechase Cancer Centre in New Jersey.”

It’s a bold move and the pack are at full attention. Kevin Andrews, international ambassador for the World Congress of Families and Minister for Social Services, stops writing Abetz a voucher for Liberal counselling and watches keenly. Abetz has shown his previously clarifying remarks were empty and designed only to silence the critics nipping at his heels. He is still part of the Liberal pack.

4. Deliver the coup de grace

Witnessing Abetz’s mating ritual to his pack, the predators howl and renew their pursuit of the senator.

Out in the animal kingdom, many creatures have unique defence mechanisms: squids shoot ink, possums play dead, lizards change colour. But the Liberal politician is different and instead yells something, hoping their words will form a smoke screen allowing them to depart unseen.

“Lanfranchi has the right to free speech in Australia.” It is a cry that distances him from his pursuers and gets him closer to his awaiting pack.

The yell of BECAUSE FREE SPEECH is a desperate move, one certain to anger his pursuers. He chose well though; his escape would be doomed if he yelled out the other classic Liberal party responses of TERRORISTS, BUDGET EMERGENCY! or even STOP THE BOATS. The plucky senator, relieved and safe from danger, returns to his nest lined with job applications.

In our next episode of Liberals out in the wild, we see what happens when Liberals reject one of their own. A small, frightened Brandis Metadatum out in the wild and on the run from conservatives and progressives alike. Thrilling stuff.