The Hottest New Fragrance for Women: Internalized Misogené

You are a woman: strong, sexy, confident. But you know you wouldn’t be anything without your dear husband, the breadwinner and father of your four children. You’re a mother, a wife, and CEO of your own company that makes fashionable headbands for toy dogs.

You’ve accomplished everything you’ve ever dreamed of. But when people tell you it’s because of women’s empowerment, you wonder what they’re talking about. Feminism didn’t cause your success. Indeed not. Sure, you had to deal with a variety of men in different jobs, but it was never “mansplaining” or whatever crazy terms women keep making up. Those men were just helping little ol’ you. And their compliments on your appearance were just them being nice. It’s like they say: you can’t teach an old dog how to stop harassing women in the workplace.

You need a fragrance that embodies your unique ideology, that shows that you aren’t like these other women. You need Internalized Misogené.

It’s the new scent for women who took their husband’s last name and insult married women who didn’t. It’s the musk for the dames that feel women can do “certain jobs” but leave the rest to men. It’s the fragrance you can confidently wear while talking about how inappropriate it is that Janice is wearing a skirt a little too short for this workplace. You realize that it’s probably true that some women are asking for it.

But you aren’t asking for it. You’re asking for Internalized Misogené.

You think boys will be boys and girls better watch how they appear in front of boys or suffer the incessant backlash of their own sex. You love how adventurous your sons are and you pummel your daughters at a young age to feel guilty about being born without a penis.

You find women who decide not to have children to be morally repugnant and you make sure to mention to them that they’ll change their minds later because you know much much more than those idiot child-free women do. Then you spritz some Internalized Misogené in their faces for good measure.

You feel a group of men deserve to have the power to discuss your reproductive rights and defund organizations geared for women’s health. You don’t want to be grouped in with these other women who protest and complain. They’re just being whiny victims. Internalized Misogené understands; some of its ingredients come from the tears of those very same feminists.

You feel the last presidential election was between a woman who looked a little too ambitious and a famous business man who wears suits and acts angry. You looked at that woman and felt uncomfortable and you realized it was because she talked too much and had a shrill voice. Also, pantsuits? Really? You went to your voting booth, still feeling a tinge of guilt that you and your sex are allowed to vote even a hundred years later, but you made your vote count and put it in for the man with zero years of public office experience and bragged about sexually assaulting women. Because you knew that those things weren’t as bad as the woman candidate. Who did she think she was trying to become president? I mean (chuckle) when has that ever happened in this country? There’s a good reason the majority of politicians aren’t women. And while you quietly tsk tsk the chosen women in office, you know that they probably live sad pathetic lives without a man to please.

Luckily, you will never have to endure such a painful existence fighting the patriarchy. You embrace it! So, envelop yourself in the soothing scent of Internalized Misogené. Available now in major department stores.