MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Gripping the rim of the sink while staring at his reflection in his bathroom mirror, the Dalai Lama reportedly whispered, “New day, same bullshit,” Friday before slapping on a smile to go greet the masses. “If one more person asks me for spiritual guidance in the face of adversity, I’m going to blow my fucking brains out,” said the 14th Dalai Llama, sighing while checking his watch and reminding himself that he only needed to get through eight hours of congregating with throngs of devoted followers before he could return home to crash in front of the TV for the rest of the night. “It’s always something with these people. One of these days, some poor schmuck is gonna tell me how much I inspire him and I’ll snap. I’ll just start screaming and never stop. Pull it together, Tenzin, people are counting on you for spiritual leadership or whatever. God, I’m exhausted.” At press time, the Dalai Lama was laughing while discussing the beauty of divine benevolence in an interview with BBC News.

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