

Ten days in this city will make you miss American toilets, television and showers — but the girls alone will totally make up for getting fingered by TSA agents, seven hours of smelling other people’s farts and the two-day hangover better known as jet lag.

Ten days in this city will make you miss American toilets, television and showers — but the girls alone will totally make up for getting fingered by TSA agents, seven hours of smelling other people’s farts and the two-day hangover better known as jet lag.

PARISIAN GIRLS



Girls in Paris are unique and awesome in every aspect. They smell great when they walk by you, but if you don’t move fast enough, they will be gone. They are always smoking, they are always on the phone, they are always in a hurry and looking busy and interesting. They don’t eat and they don’t have any money because they spend it all on clothes, and if you ask them something in English, you will get a very sexy and polite,”Geuu I cunt spik anglish.”

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FRENCH SHOWERS



I hate those hand showers that they have all over Europe. It’s convenient when you run out of toilet paper or when anal goes very, very wrong, but it’s a hassle to stand and wash up with one hand and rinse with the other. I guess that’s why some bathtubs have built-in seats and why Europeans are huge babies.

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EVERYTHING WITH FROMAGE



Fromage means cheese and it’s the first word you learn when eating fast food in Paris.

Ever wondered what The Thing’s dick looks like?

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DRINKING IN THE STREETS



I found out about this after five days of hiding my beer as carefully as my bald spot. There should be a giant sign at the airport saying something like, “There’s a reason why everything smells like pee! Grab a brewski and piss where you please!”

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ANISE



Frogs really like to drink anise with water. They call it “Richard,” or some bullshit like that. The first sip is bitter and tastes like shit — much like the first time you step into a bar in Paris and surrender to French B.O. But anise is cheap and once you get used to it, you can catch a buzz for close to nothing.

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RONALD McNORMAL



Some say going to Micky D’s in Paris is the worst faux pas ever. I say thank god for them Golden Arches. After days of fighting over weird looking escargot, super small cafe cups and cheese on everything, McDonald’s is a smug-free oasis. Plus, it tastes basically the same everywhere in the world.

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ARTSY FARTSY



I caught the Rembrandt exhibit at the Musee du Louvre. The rule seemed to be: No pictures, no drinks, no deodorant. Also, the Mona Lisa was smaller than I imagined but definitely just as ugly.

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PERE LACHAISE CEMETERY IS FULL OF FAMOUS DEAD PEOPLE



Oscar Wilde’s tomb is ground zero for oral herpes, and everyone writes kiss-ass lines all around Jim Morrison’s tomb.

Oh, and this dude was bullied to death:



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U.S. GO HOME



The best way to scare muggers in Paris is to hang a dollar bill around your neck. It’s easier to find Space Invader art in that city than a place that will exchange a fucking dollar. Also, never speak English. You are better off speaking Armenian or Chimp. People won’t understand you either way, but at least going with the latter ensures they won’t treat you like a Nazi war criminal.

-DANNE C