After a disastrous showing in recent public debates, Republican Party leaders have announced they will be holding multiple local-area tryouts for the 2016 Election season in sandlots across America. GOP loyalists insist this is a normal yearly rebuilding process, but Democratic opponents claim it’s a sign of weakness that proves the Republicans are short on farm talent that could blossom into our nation’s 45th president.

Aging, flawed and over-payed veterans such as Donald trump and Carly Fiorina have derailed the directionless political party, while once-promising minor league prospects Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush have all but sabotaged their own potential paths to The White House.

Cruz, for example, batted .289 with power at AAA Fresno, but also showed considerable anti-feminist tendencies and a strong distaste for women in general. Jeb Bush was demoted to AA Sioux Falls after failing to generate any public interest and seeing his confidence eroded following several egregious throwing errors. Many scouts now say Bush has the throwing ‘yips’ and may never recover his previous form.

Rubio, meanwhile, has been unable to stay off the disabled list. While he flashed moments of promise in recent months, hamstring injuries cost Rubio 27 games this summer as he suffered significant cramping due to chronic dehydration (which also affects his late-inning performance).

Republican scouts clarified they are specifically looking for speed, defense, relief pitching and a 2016 Presidential candidate. The scouts also posted flyers alerting local participants to prepare for wind sprints, ground-ball drills and a short quiz on the history of US Government.