WASHINGTON – Impressed by President Trump’s unabashed shilling of hydroxychloroquine, an unproven malaria drug with financial ties to his own family, numerous companies rushed to prepare stock offerings for Trump kin this week. “The near-daily Coronavirus Press Conference (CPC) has advertising potential to rival the Superbowl,” explained Professor Jill Avery of Harvard Business School, “and firms are rushing to be the next name that stumbles out of the President’s mouth.”

After Home Depot reportedly gifted Jared and Ivanka ten million dollars in preferred stock on Tuesday, Trump spent 20 minutes of Wednesday’s conference espousing the virtues of a pre-built garden shed for maintaining social isolation. “That 45% of Americans who somehow think the president is doing a good job in all this,” continued Avery, “are also the only ones still going out to buy garden sheds. It’s marketing arbitrage.” For Friday’s CPC, Team Trump is introducing advertising space on the President’s tie and right front-facing jacket lapel (so as to not interfere with the American flag pin on the left).

Picture Credit: Gage Skidmore Wikimedia