You know – Clover.

It’s actually pretty easy.

The Don’t Do’s:

* Don’t pull out in front of people – and then fail to accelerate quickly enough such that the driver you pulled out in front of is forced to brake hard or swerve to avoid rear-ending you. If your car’s not quick enough do this – or you’re too scared to do this – wait until there’s space (and time) enough for you to merge without endangering and annoying everyone else. Or get a quicker car. Or take some driving lessons.

* Don’t come to a complete stop at stop signs at the top of hills when driving in a snowstorm. You’ll get stuck – and then everyone else behind you trying to make it up the hill will get stuck, too. Keep moving. If you’re afraid to – or unable to – stay home when it snows.

* Don’t just turn on your turn signal and expect other drivers to make room. Accelerate to match the speed of traffic, then signal – then merge.

* Don’t tailgate. Ever, for any reason. It’s always obnoxious, never safe – and only makes a bad situation (such as a slow poke in front of you) worse. Give them a wide berth, then pass them at the first opportunity.

* Don’t wait like a lobotomized zombie at red lights that never change. If no cops or cameras are watching, ignore the light – after making sure the way is clear. Use your brain, exercise independent judgment. It’s just a red light. It’s not alive, it’s not coming after you. It’s not a deity that must be obeyed.

* Don’t “pace” the car to your right (or left) when driving on a two-lane (same direction) road. If you’re in the left lane and there’s a car to your right, you are driving too slowly. The left lane is the passing lane. Either speed up enough to pass the car to your right and then signal and move over into the right lane – or reduce your speed, fall back, and slot in behind the car in the right lane. Otherwise, you’re blocking traffic – which is illegal in most states. You know… like “speeding.”

* Don’t be the jack-off who makes everyone wait while he backs his car into a parking space. You don’t look “cool” – you look like a dick. And you’re not saving time, either. Not if it takes you twice as long to back in as it would have to just park nose first, like everyone else.

The Do’s:

* Pay attention to the light (watch opposing traffic, as well as the opposing signal) so that you’re ready to go before it turns green. Sitting there like a cucumber waiting for the green to appear inevitably means a delay before you get moving. Maybe you’re in no hurry – but that doesn’t mean the people behind you aren’t.

* When driving along on a two-lane road, ease over to the left lane when you see a car up ahead that’s clearly waiting to merge from a side street. It’s a dick move to stay to the right when you could easily move over for a moment to let the guy trying to merge, merge.

* Use your turn signal. See item above.

* Leave adequate space between you and the car ahead . . . but close the gap when you get to a traffic light, so that people behind you trying to get to the turn lane can get to it.

* Pull up to the white line that’s usually painted at the mouth of every signaled “T” or “+” intersection so that your car will trigger the timer… so that you – and everyone behind you – won;t have to sit through three or four cycles before the light finally goes green for you(and them, if they manage to make it through in time).

* Pay attention to the task at hand. You know, driving. If you can’t multi-task, then don’t try. How to know? If you find that people are honking at you because you didn’t notice the light turned green – because you were too engrossed by your iPhone – put the damned thing down and drive.

* Use your mirrors – especially your rearview mirror. If you see a car coming up behind you, move right now – before he actually gets behind you. This simple thing, if practiced generally, would greatly reduce tension on the roads because people would get where they’re headed sooner – and waste a lot less gas along the way.

* Flash your brights to alert other drivers to the presence of pork. We’re all in this together.

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