oh p.s. I've gotten some emails recently asking where to send donations. If you scroll down to the 6/26 bulletin, it has all the info on how to make donations at the end of it, after a lengthy explanation on why I'm asking for donations. Thanks for your help! {{{hugs to all}}}







07/30 - So I decided to go through Donny's box of "Important Things" that he kept under his desk today. He never let me look in there, just said it was "Important Stuff", but when I'd peek over his shoulder it just looked like junk to me, which I teased him about occasionally. Today I looked through it all, the napkins, the plastic cups, the ticket stubs... they're all mementoes from our very first dates together. He's got the very first flowers I ever gave him in there, all the cards I ever gave him, the scrapbooks I made for him, ticket stubs from our boat ride to Catalina Island where we got engaged... oh, I can't stop crying! He's got a little bunch of my hair from when I cut it off in Hawaii, and press clippings about me that came out while we were together, and all the little love notes I used to tape around the house for him to find. Ugh, my heart is just breaking... breaking... he loved me so much, I loved him so much... living without him is so hard! I'm so miserable!! Baby is due in less than two weeks and I still don't know whether he's going to stay with me or with friends when he gets here. When I think about trying to handle a newborn baby all by myself in a state where I know nobody, plus a very spirited little 1-year old who demands every minute of my time, plus the worst case of post-partum depression known to man, I just fear for the safety of all three of us. It's just too much for one peson to bear. No opinions please, nobody can make this decision but me; nobody knows what I'm going through right now but me. Thank you for your understanding.







07/23 - Just healing, slowly. I have pictures of Donny everywhere, my computer desktop and his, our desks, the urn, even our pillowcases have pictures of us with little hearts that I ironed on ages ago. Every time I see his picture it's like a knife in the heart, but every day I take time out to show Catty pictures of Daddy so she doesn't forget him. Her favorite thing to do is sit on my lap and look at the book I made Donny for Father's Day, which is nothing but pictures of Catty and Daddy. She brings me a little plastic camel when she wants to look at the book, because there is a picture of her and Daddy riding a camel at the circus in there. It breaks my heart to see how much older Catty looks already than she does in her pictures with Daddy, because Daddy's supposed to be here to see her get older, they're supposed to be in pictures together when she starts first grade, when she graduates, when she gets married... Every milestone Catty hits makes me proud and sad at the same time, because Daddy's not here to see it. When she does a new dance move, when she points to a poo flushing down the toilet and signs "Fishy! Fishy!", when she stuffs her face full of cat food and then rubs her tummy, growling "MMmm!MMmm!!"... Daddy's supposed to be here laughing with us. I don't understand why he's not. It's so unfair that this sweet little girl has lost her daddy who loved her so much. Donny, you would be so proud of Catty, she's learning and growing so fast now, and just getting cuter and cuter, every day!







07/19 - Happy 10 year anniversary to my site - am I freakin' old or what? (oh shut up, I'm only 32! LOL!) But cripeys, I've been a webmaster for 10 years now! Ok, I raise a toast to... Don, of course. I miss you like crazy, hon. I love you with all my heart and wish you were here to share this and every other moment in my life with me. XXXOOO Asia







07/17 - Guess what I did this weekend? I decided to cheer myself up by doing a glammed-up photoshoot with Catty! I figured I'd make myself feel better about fat old pregnant me by doing up my hair and makeup and then setting up some lights and putting the camera on auto-timer and posing with Catty. So here we are, the cutest baby in the world, and her 36-week preggo mommy! (where DOES Catty get that super-blonde hair from, anyway??) We had fun shooting, but it was a LOT of work, so don't expect it again anytime soon! :oP







07/13 part 2 - Ok I guess karma had a little bit of a heart with me today. The day started out so crappy, but ended up ok. I took Catty swimming at the lake, where we met a nice mommy with a son the same age as Catty, and she was also a newly single mother who moved from Hawaii to Utah recently, so we had a lot to chat about. That was nice. When I got home, my next door neighbor came over and offered to cut my lawn this weekend! Very cool! And the one thing that always makes me smile is seeing Catty happy, and she's been bombarded with fun toys and gifts from generous fans all week. Tell me this chair isn't the cutest thing ever! And who doesn't remember Mr Potato Head?? Ah, life is so easy when you're small and cute and everyone loves you... I think I'd like to be Catty for a while... wonder if she'd trade with me??







07/13 - Has it really been month since Don died? It still doesn't seem real. And I still can't make it through the day without falling apart a million times. And I'm definitely not looking forward to this baby. Why is every day getting worse instead of better? The house is always a mess, the vacuum cleaner's broken and in the shop, the lawn is a disaster because I can't start the mower by myself, there's clean laundry on the bed that needs to be folded but I'm using Catty's naptime to work on filling website orders which I am also behind on... ARGH!! I'm 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I'm just tired all the time! I want to nap when Catty does, but there's too much to do and I can't get on top of everything, I'm so overwhelmed! Don used to help out with everything, from changing Catty to doing dishes and laundry with me, and cleaning house, we always did it all together so it didn't seem like so much work. Now I'm big as a house and lugging boxes of movies up and down the stairs, dragging the vacuum cleaner to the repair place, trying to figure out how I can mow the lawn... yesterday I nearly threw my back out trying to drain and refill Catty's 12-foot kiddy pool in the backyard because the cover blew off while we were away and the water was all dirty. Ugh, I feel like such a pathetic pity party, but why does everything have to be so @^$#!* HARD??? How many times a day can I think "Jeez, when's Donny coming home already?" and then feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut when I remember he's NEVER coming back to me, NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER... *cry cry cry*







07/10 - Hi everyone, just got back from L.A., and home from the airport. Flying alone at 8 months pregnant with a toddler, car seat, suitcase, and carry-on luggage is not a sport I recommend. However the airport made my return flight easy by not sending my luggage or car seat. So I am waiting for them to deliver that stuff to my house tonight. *sigh* L.A. was fun, especially for Catty. She got to go to the L.A. Zoo, a petting zoo, swimming a lot, and she rode horsies and everyone kissed her butt LOL! (that's Uncle Bud, my ex-hubby hanging out with Catty in that pic) Everyone loves Catty, she's so sweet and friendly and gives everyone kisses, so it's hard not to love her! Plus she's adorable, of course! I, on the other hand, was not nearly as fun to be around. I have to give a lot of credit to my loyal friends for hanging out with me, because all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. The scenery may have been different, but Don was still not there, and I was still hurting. Maybe even worse, in fact, because L.A. is where Don and I first met, and everywhere I turned there were reminders of our whirlwind romance, and the intoxicating love spell I fell under when we first met. The walks we took, the stores we went to, the restaurants we ate at, our private wedding up in the mountains of Chatsworth... all of the memories of when we first met came flooding back... can you say bittersweet? Of course I will always treasure those memories, but oh, how it hurts. Everything hurts. Sometimes I'm sure this must be a nightmare I will wake up from soon, because nothing this mind-numbingly horrendous could really be allowed to happen, could it? Could it?? Ugh, my life has turned into one of those stories you read about in the paper and everyone says, "how terrible, glad it's not me" and then they turn the page. How I wish I could turn the page... but I can't! It just goes on and on! *big sigh* Well, on the bright side, I'm home and the cats are well and all the fish are still alive, which is good. Now if the airline will just deliver my *#&%$! luggage, I guess I can call it a day.







07/02 - So much for feeling better, I guess I'm having a relapse, Zoloft or not. My throat is sore from all the loud crying I've been doing the last couple days. I tripped a bit carrying Catty down the stairs and my only thought was "darn, almost". I just miss Donny so much I can't stand it. It hurts, everything hurts, waking up hurts, going to sleep hurts, looking at his desk hurts, seeing his clothes in the closet hurts, looking at all the days of the rest of my life without him hurts. I spend each day just looking at the clock and seeing how many more hours and minutes I have before I've made it through another day in hell without him. There is no joy in living, no joy in the future, nothing to look forward to. And before one more person says it, I'm just going to be flat out honest here - no, I am not looking forward to this baby. Not at all. All the excitement over having Don's baby disappeared the moment he did. In fact, I am dreading having any more to deal with in my life right now. It's all I can do to get through each day with Catty without losing my mind. Do I want to have a newborn baby to handle on top of everything, all by myself, in my physical and emotional state? Hell no. Maybe I will feel differently when the baby gets here, but that's how I feel now. Right now I do not feel like I will make a very good mother to this baby. I feel sorry for him having to be born to a mother who is going to cry at his every milestone instead of being happy, because Daddy's not there to see and share it with me. I have good friends who very much want this baby, and they have taken steps to make it happen if that's what I want (they wouldn't even change baby Donny's name). I have NOT decided anything yet, but it's at least a small comfort to know that I have a very good home for the baby if I feel like I just can't do this. Please respect my wishes when I say this is a very personal decision and I don't want anyone's opinions on this. I know the grieving books say to wait 6 months to a year to make any big decisions, but unfortunately I can't wait that long since he'll be here in 6 weeks. So I will just have to see how I am doing as the weeks pass. Trust me, I won't make any rash decisions, that's not my nature. Anyway, that's how my miserable life stands right now. Tomorrow, Catty and I are flying out to LA to stay with my ex-hubby Bud for a week, and see some old friends who haven't met Catty yet. Maybe that will cheer me up a little. I'll be back next Monday. Hugs to all.







06/30 - Zoloft is great. I did my own research online, found it was safe for me and baby, so I ordered some online without a prescription. I am taking what I believe is the lowest dose, 25mg a day, but it is working. I am so grateful this stuff exists. I have been through a lot in my life, from manic depression as a teen, to social phobia, clinical depression, and extreme co-dependancy as an adult. But I always dealt with things on my own, never wanted to take pills to "fix" anything... but this time it's different. This time it's not just about me - I've got this little girl who needs a functioning mommy to take care of her, and an unborn baby who needs mommy to take care of herself and get enough food and rest. So this Zoloft stuff is great. I am functioning. To an outsider, I am functioning pretty much like the old me, I guess. On the inside, I am numb a lot. Which is good, because when I cry over Donny's urn, Catty gets upset. She tries hard to push me off the urn, then she gives me a kiss and does the sign for "milk". I think it's because when Catty's upset, SHE asks for milk to comfort her, so in her little one-year old mind, if Mommy's crying, then maybe milk will comfort her too. Catty is great. She's my sunshine, my world, my reason for getting out of bed each day. If I didn't have her... well, let's not go there. Anyway, here's a pic of one reason why Catty makes me smile - somebody sent her some stickers to play with, and look where she stuck them! Aw! Today I am 34 weeks pregnant. 6 more weeks until Baby Donny comes out to play... am I nuts for thinking I can handle two kids on my own? Yeah, probably, but tell me again what my options are? I don't think people get through catastrophes like this because they are strong, it's because they have no choice. Well I don't, anyway. Catty has never even had a babysitter. She's never slept in a room by herself. She needs me, and I have to be there for her. That's all there is to it.







06/26 - Today was a pretty good day. It's a little after 9 pm and I haven't even cried yet today. That's a first so far. I was able to take Catty out to do some stuff today because my loyal assistant dictator bought Catty a dvd player for the car. She loves it - thank you me2! Ok, since I am not going to vent about anything today, I will explain why I am asking for donations.

I know the media made me out to be this financial wizard, and I guess I WAS, at one time. When I was around 27, I had a lot of money invested in the stock market. I had almost enough to buy a nice house in LA for cash, which is a lot of money for a 27-year old kid to have saved up. But then came the tech collapse, the stock market tanked, and I lost half my savings overnight. I was sick about it, but I know bigger and better people than me got burned, so what could I do? All I could do was keep working and keep saving.

But then came another knockout punch, my boyfriend of 5 years got deported back to England, and my world just fell apart. I suffer from extreme co-dependancy, in addition to social phobia, so I was trapped at home alone with my overwhelming grief. I worked just enough to pay my bills and keep travelling to England every few months to see my boyfriend, and I saved nothing. In fact, I am ashamed to admit, I developed a terrible online gambling addiction, and blew through half of my savings yet again, over the next two years. I never cashed out, because I didn't want to stop gambling - then I would have to feel my loneliness and despair! There were days I wouldn't even get out of bed because I couldn't see any reason to. The rest of the time I spent gambling and blowing my savings.

Then I met Don... and everything turned to sunshine in an instant, I was so freakin' happy every day! We were SO in love, SO fast, it was a true fairytale come to life! He moved in after two weeks, we were engaged after a month, married at 3 months, moved to Hawaii and got pregnant 3 months after that. The happiness just never stopped, it seemed too good to be true! Well, I guess it was... *sigh* ok, where was I...

So anyway, I kicked my gambling addiction after I met Don, because I didn't need that emotional crutch anymore now that I had him. But all I had left was 1/4 of the savings I'd had before the market crash, and I used that to put a down payment on this house when we found out I was pregnant. So the last of my money went into this house. I make a little money off the site each month, but that was just "fun money", to buy toys for Catty and stuff, not enough to pay the bills. Don paid all the bills, and he was happy to do it. He never wanted me to go back to porn, he wanted to take care of me, and I wanted to be a loving fulltime mommy to his babies.

However Don had nothing in the bank either. He was a "live for the moment" kind of guy, he figured "it's just money, I'll make more" and he didn't really talk to me about what was up with the finances. And I didn't ask because it wasn't my business. I was happy to just worry about the babies and not money for the first time in my life! But when I asked him about life insurance and even got the forms for him, he put them aside on his desk and said he'd take care of it when business picked up a little. And of course, as you now know, he never wound up getting any.

Bottom line, I'm scared because we have nothing in the bank. And if you ever read my essay on "Why I Did Porn" on the bio page, you know that when I ran away from home I had nothing at all, and did things I didn't want to do just so I could eat and have a place to sleep. And I have had a deep-seated fear ever since of being put back in that position. Having kids to worry about now only makes it worse! I don't want to be standing on a street corner with two babies, begging for money!! I just don't have the "everything will work itself out" mentality, because I've BEEN on that street corner with nothing, and it is an experience I am terrified of repeating!!

Ok, so there you have it, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, the whole reason why I'm asking for donations from you, my loyal fans. And I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has helped me out so far, with donations, kind words, Walmart giftcards, baby clothes, books on grieving, and talking to me in the chatroom. All of it, every bit of it is SO appreciated, thank you thank you thank you. Ok, guess I'll wrap this all up with another reprint of the donation info in case anyone missed it: (yes, it is totally humiliating for me to ask you guys for money, but when I look at Catty and my 8-month pregnant belly, I just feel so scared for the future! ARGH!!)



There's a spot on my sales page where you can donate up to $500. And for those who requested a snail-mail address, here you go:

Asia Carrera

875 W Redcliff Dr. #2, PMB 144

Washington, UT 84780



Thanks everyone, for all your support, you've been SO good to me the past two weeks!! I love you guys!







06/23 - I have gone from the world's best mom to the world's worst mom in no time flat. I tried to run errands with Catty for the first time today, and I just wanted to beat my head into the steering wheel and cry after every stop. Don and I were extremely co-dependant. We did everything, EVERYTHING together. Don worked from home, so he was always here to help with Catty, and we'd run errands together every day, sometimes twice a day or more. I have never, EVER gone to the store with Catty all by myself. In fact, I haven't even driven in over a year, maybe two. Don always drove us everywhere. When we drove, I'd entertain Catty. When we were at the store, Don would push the cart and get groceries, and I would entertain Catty. If we went to the post office, Don would stand in line and I would entertain Catty. Bottom line, parenting was easy because there were always two of us, one to handle whatever, and the other to watch or carry Catty. Now it's just me, and Catty is not a happy camper. She screamed in the back of the car the whole time I was driving today, and I'm rusty enough at driving without trying to entertain a bored and miserable baby at the same time. I stood in line at the post office and she alternated between running rampant and screaming to be picked up - I can't hold her the whole time, I'm 8 months pregnant. I tried to talk business with Don's accountant, and Catty tore up his office because she was bored and wanted to explore. I'm losing my mind, it's like I have to learn how to be parent from scratch, with this curious little girl who used to be encouraged to check everything out, and now she's getting shouted at for it. Poor Catty cried so much today, and it's all my fault. She doesn't understand why mommy can't entertain her like she used to, and why mommy is being so short-tempered with her... my heart is breaking for Catty, but I'm just trying to get through my day without falling apart in front of people. This is so hard, I've never done anything without Don, and now I have to learn to do EVERYTHING without him... I can't even handle one kid without messing everything up, let alone two! My life has become such a nightmare, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up... no, not literally, I wouldn't do that, but you know what I mean... I need my Donny back, I NEED HIM I NEED HIM PLEASE!!! :*(







06/20 - Don's family ran an obituary for him in their hometown paper back in Ohio. They are getting some of his ashes to put in the family plot with his father, Donald Lemmon Sr, who he loved and missed very much. The rest of Donny is here on my desk, in this box. My husband is in a box. For the rest of my life, I have to kiss a small wooden box good night... *crycrycry* I am alone today, for the first time since Donny died. I've taken everyone to the airport and all is quiet now. I have someone coming up from Vegas tomorrow to stay a few days, and my loyal assistant dictator is flying in this weekend, but right now I am all alone with Catty, and I am just overwhelmed. Catty is such a smart little girl, she wants me to play with her and keep her occupied every second of the day. I just want to sit at my computer and keep my mind busy so I don't have to think about the pain of missing my Donny. I don't want to play with Catty at all, let alone all day, every day, like I used to. I suck. The poor kid has no father, and now she barely has a mother. I can hardly function, I've lost so much weight, I'm not getting hardly any sleep, I am depressed about having a baby on top of all of this... god, I was so excited about this baby 2 weeks ago, now I hope it never comes. When it kicks, I think "go away!". I can barely function enough to handle Catty, how will I be able to handle two babies?? How will I find the time to work on Don's business or do anything at all for myself with a newborn and 17-month old baby to take care of all by myself around the clock? Ugh, as I am typing this, Catty has just found a bag of trail mix and dumped it all over the carpet and spread it everywhere. I knew she was being too quiet for too long. Donny, please, please... give me strength, I am so lost without you...







06/18 - For Father's Day I had this beautiful hardcover book printed up with huge glossy photos of just Don and Catty; it had all our favorite pics of them together, from her birth, from Hawaii, our hikes, them playing together, reading, taking a bath, everything. I had captions written on every page about what a wonderful daddy he was too. The book was just so gorgeous that when it arrived in our mailbox 2 weeks ago, I started dancing around and asked if I could give it to him early. He laughed and said yes, and we went through the book together, page by page. He was crying by the second or third page, it was just the sweetest thing. Donny put the book on his desk and flipped through it every day because it made him smile. Just think, if I'd waited until Father's Day to give it to him, he never would have gotten to enjoy it. Now it's Catty's favorite book. Every day I take the book down from Donny's desk and read it to her, and she points at every page and shouts "Dadn! Dadn!" and gives him kisses. She makes me read it to her again and again, and she cries when I put it back up out of her reach. The gift I put together so lovingly for Donny turned out to be the best gift I could ever give to Catty. A keepsake so Catty will always be able to look and see just how much her Daddy loved her when he was alive.



I hope you all have a better Father's Day than I do. I think I will hate this holiday for the rest of my life.







06/17 - Donny's home. He's in a wooden box carved with pineapples on it, to remind us of the happy times we spent in Hawaii. I cried, I screamed, I sobbed, I held onto the box for ages and just wailed over it, but eventually a peace came over me, like I felt his arms around me. And I calmed down, and we had a quiet talk together. He told me he was glad to finally be home, and I told him I was glad he was home too, however I could get him. Then I printed out a picture of Daddy and Catty and stuck it to the box, and called Catty in to give her Daddy a kiss. Funny thing is, she didn't kiss the picture - she kissed the box. And when I told her to give Daddy another kiss, she kissed the box again, not the picture. Like she knew he was in there, and she was glad he was home too... I'm glad Donny's home. I missed him. Welcome home, Donny I love you.







06/16 - Here is a copy of Don's obituary that's running in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. It does seem woefully inadequate, but I wasn't feeling my most eloquent when the guy was asking me questions. I tried to get prescribed for anti-depressants yesterday, but the doc would only give me mind-numbing tranquilizers and I don't want to be stupid so I wouldn't take those. I asked again for antidepressants and he said he wouldn't provide those to me while I was pregnant/breastfeeding, so I left with nothing. I think I will try another doctor, because I have done the research now and Zoloft seems to be safe enough. Today's the day the coroner people are delivering Don's ashes. It's not a good day. I'm going to lose my mind when they hand me my big strong handsome husband in a tiny little wooden box...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has donated some money to us. Every little bit helps. At least I don't have to worry about trying to get a job at almost 8 months pregnant right now, and I can concentrate on grieving and trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my life... *sigh* This is all so hard, the hardest thing I guess anyone ever goes through, huh. If I didn't have sweet little Catty's smiling face to wake up to every day, I swear...