Last game of the year, Brent. Can’t hold anything back now.

What a wild ride this year has been. At one point, we were 1–3, everything was on fire, preparing to riot if Clay Helton was going to receive another year. Now we’re arguing with ourselves about whether a three-loss team can make the college football playoff.

Vegas knows! When have they ever been wrong? *completely ignores election odds*

So here we are. Last game of the season. Pac-12 Championship still in play. Rose Bowl still in play. And if you drink enough of the Trojan Kool-Aid, the College Football Playoff is still in play. It’s not completely unreasonable, but a lot of things we don’t control would have to go our way. Like an upset in every Power-5 conference championship.

Some of you have brought up that I wasn’t always on the Clay Helton train, and that’s simply not true. The articles in which I spent hundreds of words criticizing his decisions were just feeding off of the sentiment of the fan base. I was just acting! All jokes! Pat Haden is a genius! Is the athletic department looking? Can I have my media credentials now?

It would have been nice for someone other than the biggest USC homer in the sports talk show industry to chime in with “Clay Helton for Coach of the Year” talks, but they aren’t absurd. If we are going to give it to the best coach, that trophy should never leave Tuscaloosa. But, if we are going with most impressive, you are going to have to give Helton at least a look.

Well, I’m getting sentimental about the season again, but it’s not like I’m exactly enthralled by the matchup this week. This week, our opponent is 4–7 Notre Dame, fresh off some nice NCAA violations. Let’s cap this regular season off by sending Brian Kelly a pink slip and bringing the Jeweled Shillelagh back to Heritage Hall.

Post Game

Good

The best thing to come out of this game was the revelation that Sam Darnold’s grandfather’s name is Dick Hammer. Let me repeat: The grandfather of Sam Darnold is DICK HAMMER.

Not only that, but Dick Hammer was the original Marlboro Man. You can’t make this stuff up.

And we wonder how our quarterback is so special.

If you’re annoyed at your workplace, you have to be good at your job. It’s why I have been employee of the month so many times.

Darnold has more choices to throw to than Tinder’s new gender identity options.

Jim will probably want to skip playing us on his 56th birthday. Whether it is his choice or not.

But if he doesn’t, extra yard! That’ll turn a 2nd and 9 into a 2nd and 8!

Who knew bringing back the best defensive coordinator we’ve had in a decade would help fix USC’s problems on that side of the ball? Everyone? Okay, moving on.

USC ran around forty more plays than UCLA last game. Forty! I don’t even know how that is possible given that UCLA didn’t have any forced turnovers, but it looks like they keep trying to one-up their poor play this season.

Grandson of the Dick Hammer, Sam Darnold has been the X-factor for the Trojans’ offense in so many ways, but the most important is his ability to keep the drive going on third downs. Whether it is a well-thrown pass to “Mr. Reliable”, Darreus Rogers, or a scramble and scoot for a first down.

If you have the ball for almost three of the four quarters, I’d say you have a pretty good chance at winning the game.

Bad

USC came out of the gates slower than Rich Eisen running a forty. For the first quarter, they actually made the Bruins look like a competent football team, and had several people watching at that bar I was at very nervous. And by several people, I mean everyone was fine and I was the only one biting my nails and diligently watching the TV.

It’s a rivalry game, each team’s record gets thrown out the window.

Not quite the fortnight for Jackson’s draft stock…

Never mind.

With 12 seconds left in the half, USC decided to spike the ball and stop the clock instead of taking a shot at the end zone. A questionable decision that could have been easily alleviated if Helton held onto his timeouts, but our two-minute offense is still an issue that will prevent us from even more success.

With Black Friday is approaching, let’s hope there are some deals at Sacks Fifth Avenue and we can get some much-needed pressure on DeShone Kizer and the Notre Dame offense.

Player’s Notes and Injuries

That settles it. Sam Darnold is the next Matt Leinart. Now all he has to do is win a national title (two if one is vacated), a Heisman, knock up a player on the women’s basketball team and enroll in Ballroom Dancing. I heard he’s joining Lambda Chi in the spring, so that should certainly speed things up.

Please don’t ruin him, I beg you.

The Thorpe Award is awarded to the best defensive back in the nation, and Adoree’ is one of three finalists alongside Tre’Davious White and Jordan Lewis.

Seeing as neither finalist has done this, I’ll say Jackson is a shoe-in for this award.

Don’t let JuJu give you any optimism on his return. If you’ve seen the pain he has had to endure this season, there’s no way he’s going to be doing it again for free. And I think a first-round pick’s salary is a lot more than what we are giving him.

Late in the fourth quarter of last week’s game, Adoree’ suffered an injury that left him on the ground for 15–30 seconds and created widespread panic when he limped over to the training table. Glad to see it was more of a Paul Pierce injury.

He also has a tight hamstring, back spasms, a repaired broken hand, and a history of ankle sprains. But other than that, he’s ready to go.

JuJu needs the Steve Austin treatment. I’m sure USC has six million dollars laying around.

Just some nicks and bruises. I’m sure everyone will be ready to go by kickoff on Saturday. Porter would have to get run over by an 18-wheeler to stop him from playing against Notre Dame.

Hypotheticals

Without this upset, USC’s title hopes would be dead. I don’t know what is more impressive: the catch or the fact that Pac-12 referees got a call right.

Pretty much the sentiment of every Trojan fan watching the game. I was going nuts. And I have at least one snapchat or a similar celebration after the reversed call.

Not quite the movement I expected, but we basically had a bye week with the thrashing we gave UCLA. That game definitely hurt our strength of schedule.

This week will too.

We’ve done everything we can to put us in the best position for the Pac-12 South title. Now we just need a little help from the Utes. If Utah beats Colorado, then we are heading to “The Jeans” in Santa Clara for the conference championship. Colorado has the better team and home field advantage, but has shown they are vulnerable to potent run defenses, and with Utah having retired-then-unretired Joe Williams carrying the ball, an upset isn’t out of the picture.

We gave Kyle Whittingham the game against us in September. Least he can do is return the favor.

Game Preview

Thanks for the awful start time, Notre Dame. With your lack of relevance this year, I’m surprised they didn’t put this game on at 9:00 AM. Can’t wait to enjoy that one beer with the 25 minutes of tailgating I’ll get before I have to head to the Coliseum.

Take the points. Notre Dame is trash.

If the records indicate anything, Brian Kelly is the next Kansas coach.

The rough year for the Irish keeps getting worse with rulings on NCAA violations vacating all of their wins from Brian Kelly’s two most successful seasons as coach. Their 2012 team is now 0–1. Their wins that year are as real as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. The best part is that you can erase all their victories, but you can’t erase the asskicking they took against Alabama in the National Championship. ROLL TIDE!

So, what does this mean for USC, besides finding another way to complain about how much the NCAA screwed us a half decade ago? I know it’s a reasonable complaint but you have to let it go. You can’t be held up like a jilted ex slipping subtweets into your UCLA previews.

While Notre Dame’s wins against USC in 2012 and 2013 are vacated, the Trojans’ still have the losses. So have fun figuring out the rivalry record graphic for this Saturday, ABC.

It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Cliché Clay.

Remember earlier in the year when coaches were praising us for have the most talented team in the Pac-12, and while true, it was just a way to give us backhanded compliments? Well, looks like the roles have reversed.

Prediction

I’ll be honest I’ve only watched Notre Dame play twice this year. Once against Michigan State, where every chance they had, the cameraman would pan to former defensive coordinator, Brian VanGorder.

He looks like someone sculpted Uncle Rico out of granite.

The other time was when they played in a literal hurricane against NC State. With the absolute worst conditions possible for playing football, Brian Kelly thought it was wise to throw the ball 26 times! They lost on a botched punt, 10–3.

But from what I’ve heard from the minute or two of college football podcasts spend on this team every week is that they are a complete and utter dumpster fire. Brian Kelly spent the first half of the season rotating between quarterbacks, destroying the confidence of both during the process and the second half getting so mad he was turning purple.

He looks like Violet after her trip to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. He makes Alex Jones look calm and collected.

They have no wins against ranked teams. They’ve lost to programs that are having their worst years in recent memory (Stanford, Michigan State, Texas).

Throw out the record when playing rivalry games, but this may be over before it even starts. With a win, Notre Dame is eligible for a bowl game due to their APR score. Basically, since they are so good at academics, it erases finishing below .500 as an independent. With a program with so much history and pride, I don’t think they want to add a bowl loss onto a year filled with firings, disappointment, and vacated wins. I know teams don’t give up, but the game is at 12:30 PM. Not THAT many people will be watching. We’d understand.

For USC, a victory would help validate our case for an at-large bowl game if we don’t make it to the conference Championship. If Washington wins the Pac-12 title, and gets into the playoff, USC going to the Rose Bowl seems extremely likely. So don’t expect the Trojans to let off the gas in the final game of the season. Especially given that it will be the last at the Coliseum for so many of them.

Not much on the analysis of Notre Dame. DeShone Kizer is a good quarterback, but besides that, this team is really bad. Throw out the records if you must, but Notre Dame is 4–7. After this week, they will be 4–8.