Day 51: Get Out

Sunday was fine.

We watched the movie, went back to the apartment, and that was that. Stop asking.

We didn't talk about what she and Olaf talked about, we didn't talk about what me and Olaf talked about, and we didn't talk about why she's still wearing jeans. We just talked about fun, cute memories back when we used to date.

For example,the first time I heard her sing was while I was hiding in her bathroom trying to surprise her. I freaked her out so hard when I pulled back the shower curtain, that she fell and twisted her ankle. And then I had to take care of her for like a week.

Ugh.

At this point, I really don't know what I want anymore. Life was good when we were dating, life sucked afterwards, and now life right now is...both? A weird mixture of both. It's good that I don't hold any of that resentment towards her anymore, but it sucks because things are still awkward. It's been two months, and we're still trying to figure out how to act around each other. Elsa said she wanted to watch a movie together because it was recommended by her therapist that they spend more time outside the room.

So it wasn't like she was asking to spend time together just because she wanted to. Then again, she could have also not done that.

No, now that I think about it, I do know one thing that I want: to get changed. I've been standing here in my underwear staring at the clothes on my bed for who knows how long. I just got back from the gym, and I'm supposed to meet Lilo for lunch, which means I needed to actually shower and look presentable. And because I'm me, the process of getting ready to go anywhere takes me like an hour.

But standing in my underwear like a braindead swim instructor isn't part of the process.

It''s just hard to wrap my head around Elsa being in my life again in any capacity. And yeah, it's kind of my fault that we're even in this mess to begin with, but I feel like we can do this. What's ten more months, you know? It can't get any weirder than it already is, right?

There's a knock on the door, Elsa's knock. "Anna? Can I come in?" She asks.

"Uh yeah, sure," I say on instinct. I mean it's not like I'm doing anything right now anyway. And who knows, maybe she's got something to say about our weird situation-

Oh fuck, I'm still not dressed.

Time goes by in slow-motion as I weigh my options. I could scream at Elsa to get out before she even comes in, I could run to the door and close it before she opens it, I could run to the bathroom and hide in there. Yeah, that sounds like the best option, I should do that.

But I don't, I just freeze and look at my clothes like they're gonna fly onto my body any second now.

But they don't, and Elsa opens the door. "Hey I just- agh!"

I do end up doing one of the options actually, I scream at her and cover my already clothed parts with my hands. "Get out!"

Elsa's already closed her eyes and covered them with her hands, "You said I could come in!"

"Well I lied!"

She's still here, still covering her eyes, "Why are you even- you know what? I don't wanna know."

"Could you please leave?!"

"Okay fine, I'll go! I'm sorry!"

Elsa shuts the door and mumbles out another apology. What the fuck is wrong with me?

The stupid part of this- aside from the obvious- is that I don't even get changed right after she leaves. I flop onto my bed and scream into my pillow while my clothes sit a foot apart from me. Mocking me. Before I pick my pathetic self up and get changed, my shitty mind produces one more stupid, unhelpful thought:

It's not like she hasn't seen me naked before.

It takes me a few more minutes after getting dressed to fully recover from the mortification. Part of me just wants to stay in my room- I'm sure Elsa would understand- but damn it I still need to meet up with Lilo. I open my door against my own will and let out an immediate groan.

"Sorry again."

Elsa's sitting at the kitchen table with a guilty frown on her face and a mug in her hands. Knowing her, it's probably coffee with three sugars. I don't think she should keep drinking coffee if she has anxiety, but whatever I'm not her mom.

Or her girlfriend.

Anymore.

Damn it brain.

I shake my head, "I don't know why you're saying sorry, I was the one that said you could come in."

"I know, but just the way that you sounded it...I was scared you were mad at me."

I laugh, or at least I make a noise that's supposed to be a laugh, "Trust me, if I'm mad at anyone, it's me. I must have given you the wrong idea what with me being naked and all."

Elsa raises an eyebrow, "But you weren't naked?"

"I was basically naked," I push away the awkward subject with a wave of my hand and sit across from her, "So what's up?"

She blinks, "Uh...oh right. Um, I was wondering about something, and I wanted to ask you about it."

"Shoot." No seriously, shoot me. Preferably in the head.

There's this cute thing she does whenever she's too shy to ask me for something: she'll tap her fingers on whatever she's holding and bite her lip, and if she's not holding something then she'll just tap her fingers together. It was pretty cute, and she's doing that right now to her mug, and it's still fucking cute.

"So, uh...if I remember correctly...your birthday is on Saturday right?"

Oh wow, she remembered. Wait, what am I saying? This is Elsa we're talking about, of course she remembered. June 21st: the day my mom reluctantly gave birth to me, the day she bailed on us eight years later, and the day I told Elsa I loved her. It's kind of an all-around shitty day, but I get a free gift and dinner from my friends so it's not all bad.

"Yeah, it is," I say. "Why?"

I swear her finger-tapping gets faster, "Do you- I mean, what are you planning to do to celebrate?"

"I'm actually gonna meet up with my friend in a little bit to talk about that. But you know me, it's always the same thing every year: sleep till noon, get some stupid party hats at the dollar store, and have someone pay for my dinner."

"Yeah, I forgot," Elsa says with a laugh. A very fake and pitiful laugh. "Well good, I was worried that you weren't gonna celebrate it since you're stuck here with me."

"Bullshit."

"What?"

Damn it, I wasn't supposed to say that out loud. Ugh, there's no use explaining myself, I just gotta keep stirring into the skid. "Sorry, I just mean that...I know you're lying, Elsa. Something's bugging you, and you can tell me what it is. Also I'm not stuck here with you, I could leave at any time if I wanted to."

Elsa's gaze lowers to the floor and she gets really, really sad. Way to go, Anna.

"I- shit, that's not what...look I mean that I can go to other places and stuff like that. I don't mean that I'm just gonna leave you randomly one day and screw you over with the money. I'm not that heartless."

It doesn't look like anything I'm saying is making her feel even a little bit better. I swear if I make her cry again from saying something stupid, I'm going to jump out of my fucking window. "Elsa I'm sorry, that was really mean and I shouldn't have-"

"I know what you mean," She says. "Don't worry. Sorry, I just overreacted."

"No, I said something really shitty. You shouldn't have to apologize for that."

"Could we just move on? Please?" She asks with a tone that I'm getting all too familiar with: that pained, assertive, scary, sexy tone. I haven't heard it in a while, but it still makes me putty in her hands and I'll do anything she asks.

So, I move on. "Okay, well was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No, I just...was hoping…"

"Hoping for…? Elsa?"

I know she wants to ask me something, but I can't just push her for an answer because that never works. There's no way she just brought up my birthday out of the blue to make sure I was doing something for it. It looks like she's in pain, or thinking really hard about something, or both. What could she possibly have wanted to- oh wow, I'm a piece of shit.

"Did you want to do something for my birthday?" I ask, finally putting the pieces together.

She looks at me, opens her mouth, and then shuts it and shakes her head. "It's stupid, forget I said anything." I see her move her chair to get up, but something comes over me and I stop her. Physically.

I put my hand on her arm.

No time to dwell on that right now, we can focus on the stupidity of that move- and why it makes my stomach feel weird and gross- later. "Elsa, please sit back down."

"I…" She sighs and settles back into her chair. "What is it?"

I move my hand far back onto my side once she's sitting. "I'm sorry, I should have invited you to dinner. When you asked me if I was doing anything for my birthday, I thought you just wanted to know. I didn't think that you'd want to do something."

She's doing the finger-tapping thing again, slower this time. "It's okay, I should have expected you to have already made plans. You've already got something going on that day, so don't let me get in the way of it."

"You wouldn't be getting in the way! It's just dinner, hell I won't even ask to have you pay for me," I laugh because it's supposed to be a joke. I realize after saying it that she definitely won't take that as a joke. And she doesn't from the way her frown grows. "Wow I am really bad at this. Elsa, just...would you please join us for my birthday? I'd feel really shitty if I just left you here while I was out having fun with my friends."

Elsa shakes her head, "You don't have to invite me because you feel guilty."

"Well what if I want you to be there?"

"How? You didn't invite me in the first place."

"I'm inviting you now, aren't I?" I can tell that I'm not convincing her at all. And this isn't all just some ploy for me to save face, I do want her to be there. When I picture my birthday dinner, not having her in the picture just doesn't feel right. It didn't feel right last year either, now that I think about it.

I sigh and try a different approach, "Elsa...I really do want you to come. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you know that birthdays for me haven't always been the best time so I just sorta forget about them when it comes up. Remember when we were dating, and you had to remind me about it like the day before?"

She nods, and I can see a small smile forming at the corner of her lips.

"It wouldn't feel right without you there. And if that isn't enough to convince you, then I will literally do anything you want if you come with me on Saturday." I go to place my hand on her wrist, but second-guess myself and just place it next to her mug- which I now notice has hot chocolate with melted marshmallows in it I. And, in a tone of voice I rarely ever used with her unless I really wanted something, I say softly, "Please?"

It takes all of my willpower not to be too smug when it works. Elsa lets out a breath, "Okay. I'll come."