By James Tanzer

In line at the Goodwill store, I almost chickened out, heart thumping wildly in my chest, face burning. A bead of sweat slithered down my spine. One person ahead of me, one behind. Still time to make a graceful exit.

I can just dump this and walk away, I told myself. Maybe try again tomorrow.

But then—

“Can I help the next person in line?”

My guts did a full log-roll. No backing out now.

I shuffled up to the cashier and pushed my crumpled purchase towards her across the counter, what I imagined to be my great shame at last on display for all to see: a ladies’ button-down shirt and a matching tie from the men’s side of the store.

They’ll know, I remember thinking. These are weird pieces of clothing for someone who looks like a woman to purchase, and THEY’LL JUST KNOW.

To my shock, the transaction was over in no time, and I was on my way. No alarms went off alerting the other patrons to the presence of a gender-variant shopper in their midst. No one pointed or laughed. The cashier didn’t refuse to ring up my purchase. Nothing happened. I was giddy with relief by the time I got to my car.

Looking back, it’s almost laughable how terrified I was to buy that shirt and tie. But everything felt scary and raw then. At the time I had just begun questioning my gender identity—or rather, taking a long hard look at the identity I’d kept buried for more than 30 years while trying to be a ‘good’ daughter. It was getting more and more difficult to hide who I really was. I felt like a walking lie.

When at last I admitted to myself that I was transgender, it was a relief of sorts. Emboldened by the support I received from friends and family, I decided to make changes to my feminine appearance in order to calm some of the persistent hatred I felt about my body. I started small: clothing.

A close friend suggested we go shopping together for my new duds, and so we headed first to the local Goodwill—a familiar, comfortable place to start. Though I’ve been an avid thrifter since high school, I never imagined Goodwill would be the ideal place to buy clothing during the anxiety-ridden time of my early transition.

I’m a fairly cautious person, not the type to throw myself headlong into a new endeavor, especially one that draws a lot of attention. My first forays into masculine clothing were tentative, but Goodwill’s amazing selection allowed me to go at my own pace as I created my new look. I stuck close to the women’s department at first, buying fitted button-downs and ladies’ jackets. Changing up my wardrobe cost me very little, considering the quality of the clothing I was purchasing: shirts from Banana Republic, J. Crew, and Benetton, and beautiful fitted tweed jackets from L. L. Bean.

When I felt bold, I’d head into the men’s department to flip through ties. Ties were my favorite way to add a masculine touch to an outfit, and at only two dollars each, they were the ultimate thrifty splurge. With a bit of patience and luck, I could turn up the flair with vintage silks from Brooks Brothers and Ralph Lauren.

With no hovering sales associates, Goodwill stores gave me the freedom to take as long as I wanted to shop, choosing items from both the women’s and the men’s departments without fear of judgment. Goodwill’s non-gender-specific dressing rooms—a feature of Goodwill stores I still love—provided safe spaces to experiment with different looks.

Today, because of hormone therapy, my body is changing rapidly. I no longer fit in women’s clothing, nor do I feel comfortable in it. Learning men’s sizing was tricky at first, but Goodwill stores provided such a wide range of men’s merchandise (and, again, the safe space to try it on), that I actually feel I know men’s sizing as well as my guy friends do. And I’m wearing great brands for a fraction of what I’d pay at the mall—an important consideration if, like me, you go up a shirt size every six months or so.

I recently re-donated that first button-down shirt I bought at the beginning of my transition. Though it was now too small, I had been holding onto it for sentimental reasons. What gave me the final impetus to donate it back was the notion that maybe some other person beginning a similar transition would stumble upon it in a Goodwill store as I had. Maybe after some deliberation they’d tentatively try it on in the dressing room. And maybe, for the first time ever, they would step back and finally recognize the person returning their gaze in the mirror.

Update for 2017: I’d like to add that even now, several years into transition, I still frequent Goodwill. It’s still a safe and affordable place to shop for clothes, but now my entire focus is on having FUN dressing the “me” I’ve waited so long to see in the mirror.

Update for 2019: 2019 and still shopping at GW! Best place for high-end men’s sweaters!!

James Tanzer is a Goodwill shopper (obvi) and a freelance writer based in Maine.

Goodwill NNE embraces diversity. We believe it’s what makes our communities vibrant and strong. Do you have a story you’d like to share with us? Email Heather.Steeves@GoodwillNNE.org