As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.


Take foods that keep well outdoors, such as pine cones, lichens, and live insects.




Heat up your beer and wine beforehand so they stay hot.



Bring a game like bocce ball or frisbee to distract everyone from the fact that they’re eating outside like wild animals.




Kill a few ants at the start of the picnic to show them you shouldn’t be fucked with.




Raw meat and poultry are tricky to pack and transport, so slaughter your livestock on location to make preparation easier.




Keep your left arm still. There’s a wasp.



Avoid midday heat, as well as evening mosquitos, by planning your picnic for the 15-minute window between 4:10 p.m. and 4:25 p.m.




Take a moment to appreciate just how inconvenient this all is.

