Intrepid mammalogists have peered at the amatory conjunctions of elephants and whales, they have even studied how angleworms tie the lover's knot. But how do porcupines have sex? For a long time, no one knew. Porcupines are diffident, nocturnal beasts, and they like to climb trees. And people who find themselves in porcupine territory almost always can find something better to do than shinny up a spruce to see what Erethizon epixanthum and his chums are up to.

But several decades ago, in Michigan, a trapper strolled into a clearing and saw a male and a female porcupine in a state of fond agitation. He rushed back to a waiting world with the news: Porcupines copulate by standing on their hind legs, belly to belly. That made sense: The bellies of porcupines are not covered with quills. For many years the trapper's explanation was accepted. It sounded a little odd, but then so does everything else about porcupines.

Then came November 1944. Meat was rationed, Luckies' green had gone to war, the world was in flames. But at the Biology Department of the University of Buffalo in New York, Dr. Albert B. Shadle and his assistants were thinking only of some small wire cages containing six porcupines, among whom were one female, Maudie, and three males, Old Dad, Johnny, and Pinkie, Excitement had heightened through November's early weeks. Now—on November 18—the word was passed: Maudie was in heat, tonight would be the night. The scientists equipped themselves with note paper, flash cameras, and smelling salts. Old Dad was placed in Maudie's cage. Dr. Shadle's scholarly essay in the Journal of Wildlife Management, Vol. 12, No. 2, April 1946, quivers like the seduction scene of a twenty-five cent paperback novel: "As he moved toward her she stood perfectly still..."

But to understand what happened, one must begin three months earlier.

Photo via Coroflot

Porcupines Get Freaky

Since the male porcupine is always ready to mate, the time of mating depends on the female's period of heat, as it does in most lower mammals. Apparently female porcupines think that once a year is enough, at least if there are scientists snooping around. It takes about three months for the female to achieve the proper frame of mind, and she does this by rubbing her genitals against whatever objects are handy. Young females tend to giddiness: They run around, climb things, gnaw "in a nervous manner” (to quote Dr. Shadle), and dance more animatedly than usual. (Porcupines of both sexes like to dance, and scientists used to think they do this for exercise, which throws some light on the thought processes of scientists.)

For a time, the female carries on blithely, as if she had nothing more to think about than dancing, but she has November on her mind, as surely as if she were running for the House of Representatives. And she is not entirely pleased with the thought of what lies ahead. Marilyn Smelzer and Margery Metz reported that "as the rutting season reaches the peak, the female may appear to mope." Her gloom is not brought on solely by the prospect of having relations with a male porcupine, though, for what goes on beforehand is immeasurably worse.

Once his fancy has slightly turned, the male porcupine is surely the prize boor of the animal world, not excluding the higher primates. A few days before rutting, the male approaches the female, standing upright, penis erect. Usually, she stands upright too, wearing a wifely expression (porcupines tend to be monogamous; It may be their only virtue). The male walks toward his mate. Then, when he is only a few inches away, he urinates on her with a force and quantity that Dr. Shadle can only call "surprising." Scientists do not pretend to understand why, and neither does the female porcupine. Her reaction is exactly what might be imagined. She is disgusted, and says so in short, sharp grunts. She may also try to strike the male with her arms, or try to bite him. But in the end, all she can do is run away and give herself a good shake.

The habits of scientists are fully as odd as those of porcupines. One bit of lore duly set down by Smelzer and Metz is that the indoor record for a droplet of urine flying from an excited male porcupine is 6' 7", "from the point where the animal stood to the point where the drop first touched the floor, broke up, and scattered."

Photo via Jokes of the Day

Getting the Job Done

But back to November 18. As Dr. Shadle reports it, Maudie had gotten over her sulks sufficiently to overlook Old Dad's grotesque malefaction. When, at 11:15 AM, he was placed in her cage (Old Dad—not Dr. Shadle), she backed toward him on all fours in a forgiving fashion. He sniffed at her, mildly interested. She continued to make backward advances, tail raised. (With skunks, a raised tail is a bad thing, but with lady porcupines it is a good thing, at least if you are a scientist or a male porcupine.) After two or three minutes, Old Dad remembered what he had come to do. He stood upright and walked toward Maudie.

Although the quills of both animals were relaxed, Old Dad was taking no chances. He did not grasp Maudie with his paws. The only contact between the two porcupines was in the genital area. Maudie thrust backwards; Her mate pushed forward, flexing his knees and his tail.

Copulation continued for 15 minutes. Whenever Old Dad paused for breath (he was an elderly 9 1/2 years old at the time), Maudie pestered him to continue. Finally, the University of Buffalo scientists, perhaps after frantic signals from Old Dad, separated the two beasts. Two hours later, they were mated again.This time copulation continued for 20 minutes. Old Dad, Dr. Shadle reports, was "fairly exhausted" and was sent to his cage for rest and recuperation.

Photo via Toon Pool

Porcupine Censored Sex

Perhaps, to preserve whatever good name porcupines possess, the remainder of this story should not be written. But in the interest of full and objective reporting, it must be said that the other males, Pinkie and Johnny, completely disgraced themselves. One by one, they were placed in the cage with Maudie, who was still in an advanced state of rut. Neither male showed any interest. Maudie was disgusted, but could do nothing about it. Neither could the scientists. Johnny and Pinkie were sent to the showers. A few days later the comedy repeated itself.

Another young female, Nightie, came into rut. Old Dad gave his all and staggered off to rest. Pinkie and Johnny, sent in as relief pitchers, minced about looking pained, and pitched no relief. Dr. Shadle's tentative explanation is that neither of the two male porcupines had had time, before the period of actual rutting, to get acquainted with the females. But according to Dr. Shadle's own account, Johnny, at least, was penned as near to Nightie as Old Dad was.

Something is definitely queer, and reading between the lines, it is not too hard to find out what it is. There are several clues. One is the statement that Pinkie had an unusually high-pitched voice that would rise almost to a shriek when he was excited. Another is that when Pinkie ignored her, Maudie reacted toward him "as a male usually would react toward a female." There are other indications that the sexual interest of male porcupines is not directed exclusively at female porcupines.

The conclusions are inescapable. They are:

Porcupines are very confused animals. Pinkie and Johnny were lovers.

All of which leaves science with one question solved and another still unanswered. It has been shown to everyone's satisfaction (except, perhaps, Maudie's) how clean-living, heterosexual porcupines mate. The remaining puzzle is a challenge zoology has yet to take up. What do homosexual porcupines do?