What the fuck just happened.

I just had a memorable experience with a chick I met at a bar a couple weeks ago.

We chat on the phone and agree to meet up at a local bar. I go pick her up, we get there, munch on some peanuts, shoot the shit, and talk about urban exploration. I suggest doing a little exploring around campus; she’s all for it. I escalate gently and by the end of the conversation we’re making out.

Eventually we get going. We head outside and I hand her the passenger helmet. As soon as she grabs onto the helmet I pull the helmet to my side, forcing her body into mine. I hover my lips over hers until she kisses me. We make out some more, I pull her tightly into me.

Me: How about we skip the exploring and go watch a movie

Her: What movie?

Me: You pick. See how selfless I am?

So we go back to my place, my roommates are there, we do introductions, I pull her into my room. We throw on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I position her body the way I want it on my bed. We’re spooning and feeling eachother up as the movie starts; about 10 minutes in she rotates her body into mine and I get between her legs.

She’s got an incredible body. Her bellybutton is pierced. Her lips are amazing. She’s got black eyeliner on that just makes her oh so appealing to me. She’s writhing beneath me… deja vu sets in.

We fuck around and she tells me she’s just getting off her period.

Me: “I don’t mind, it’s up to you.”

So I end up fingering her for a while before we start fucking. She said she didn’t have a tampon or pad in.

While fingering her I noticed something very odd on the right interior wall of her vagina.

I thought maybe it was a tumor or some sort of growth, then I noticed it moved around. It was pretty small… definitely not a forgotten tampon. There was something suspicious going on. I asked myself… when the hell is the point in time when you just give up trying to get something out of your vagina. Like… if you’re cleaning it and something gets stuck, what is it, 5 minutes? 10 minutes? When you just say “fuck it” and leave it there for your body to absorb? There was SOMETHING of chunky nature lodged in the corner of her vag. She must have put it there. Did she forget about it? Maybe she has ADD and it kicked in at an awkward moment… I thought it might have been poop at first but then I realized that didn’t make any sense. What the hell is going on?

I end up fingering her more, she’s squirming, then I ninja this mystery artifact out of her vagina. I didn’t want to embarrass her so I just covertly threw it under my bed for later analysis. Maybe she noticed and didn’t say anything. Either way I’m excited, curious, and scared all at the same time.

For the rest of the night all I could think about was “what the fuck did I just put under my bed.” I was fucking her and I thought about this. I was kissing her and I thought about it. When we were done I just sat there and thought about it. What the hell was that thing?

I dropped her off earlier this morning. There was a career fair here at my University so I had to get all dressed up and pass my resume out. All I could think about while chatting with the recruiters was “what the hell did I pull out of this chick’s vagina.” I never even got a good look at the thing. Is it biological? Did her mind wander while she was masturbating? What does it smell like? I wonder what the inside looks like? What color is it?

Well I just got back to my apartment a little while ago. This is an account of my real-time examination of this vaginal souvenir.

Alright, I’m going to my bed right now to recover this thing.

Here it is:

It looks like a fucking owl pellet. If I find the skull of a mouse in this thing I’m going to flip.

Dissection commencing…

Should I smell it?

I’m gonna smell it.

I almost just vomited. Pretty sure my roommate just heard me scream in agony. It smells like feces. This thing that I just retrieved from her vagina smells like poop.

Okay, I’m investigating the interior of this mystery chunk.

My fork won’t penetrate this item easily. It has the consistency of a soggy wad of paper towel.

I’m cutting through it now.

Oh god.

It’s definitely made of some sort of paper material. It is not poop. I’m not sure why I feel disappointed.

Fuck my life, this smells horrid.

It seems to be a pre-rolled device of some sort. Perhaps of menstrual nature. Forgotten menstrual nature.

For authenticity:

In any event, she was a good fuck and she’s one of the hottest chicks I’m seeing. A solid addition to my newfound harem. Maybe I’ll find a rubik’s cube in her butthole.