I had a really strange experience today. I was outside in my driveway taking a picture of my car for a profile pic so I can look like one of them when the dissenter eradication teams get deployed. As I was taking the picture and practicing my speech about how books are bad a man approached me.

He walked up and looked at me and then looked at my car. He hissed slightly when he spoke and said “Hello. I’m willing to offer you fifty thousand dollars for your car.”

And I was like “That’s pretty dope I’ll just quit my job and play video games for a while let’s do this.”

He smiled wryly and said “Yes. Yes. You see that family down there? I’m going to run them over with your car. Boom. Splat. Limbs flailing as they cartwheel through the air as your little Cobalt destroys their hopes and dreams of living a peaceful life without getting hit by a car.”

“Well gee mister. I really need that money. But that’s an awful thing to do to those people. Maybe I’ll just take the money and you won’t do those awful things and it’ll be all fine.”

“Oh I’m gonna do it. Boom. Splat. I’m gonna turn the Nickleback all the way up on the radio and jam that accelerator.”

“Well I do need the money.”

So I handed him the keys and he moonwalked to my car (like wtf dude haha) and got in. I figured he wouldn’t murder that family with my car. It’s like- I really care about that family. I don’t want them to be harmed. But that 50K is gonna make my life great again. It’s really gonna be a huge improvement.

So I start walking back into the house and what do ya know? That asshole just goes and ahead and runs that family down with my car. I mean how horrendous is that? I didn’t have anything to do with it though. I just wanted my life to be better. You can’t really get mad at me, right?

Anyways the point of this post is this:

Does anyone know how you receive a payment of 50 thousand dollars from someone currently in prison for vehicular homicide? He’s not answering my letters but whatever it’s fine I’m sure he’ll give me my money soon….