

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), created by Joss Whedon, is a television series about Buffy Summers, a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her Watcher and her loyal circle of misfit friends. The first five Seasons of the series aired on The WB; after a network change, the final two seasons aired on UPN.

See Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Format for suggested formatting and inclusion guidelines.

Contents [ edit ]

Season 1 [ edit ]

Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new. Xander: Xander. Is - is me. Hi. Buffy: Um, thanks. Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there. Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you. [walks away] Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.

Buffy: [to Giles] To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?

Giles: The influx of the undead, the... supernatural occurrences, it's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now! Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here. Giles: Something's coming, something, something, something is - is gonna happen here. Soon! Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Willow: Well... when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty. Or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. Buffy: It's not that bad. Willow: No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk. Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.

Buffy: [about the mausoleum] Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home! Darla: Who the hell are you? Buffy: You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief! I'm telling you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work. Xander: Buffy, we bail now, right? Thomas: Not yet! Buffy: Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge! [The vampires close in on Buffy. She turns to Darla.] Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way. Darla: That's fine with me! Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...

Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One... Buffy: He loves doing this part. Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

The Master: A Slayer... Have you any proof? Luke: Only that she fought me and yet lives. The Master: Very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened. Luke: 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping.

Giles: [To Willow] Well then help me in researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, hell on Earth. Quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. [about a computer] It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. [everyone stares] That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it? Buffy: Welcome to the New World.

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'. Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day. Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret. Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.

Giles: It may be that we are all that stands between the Earth and utter destruction. Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school. Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths. Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that. Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, ya know, like excessive not-studying. Giles: [to himself as the others are walking away] The Earth is doomed.

Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia? Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

Willow: You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I... hide until it goes away.

Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. [finds her picture] Oh, look! There I am. Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair. Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Giles: This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the Slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this... cult. [we see Buffy is wearing a cheerleading outfit] Buffy: You don’t like the color?

Giles: God, every day here is the same. Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful. However can we escape this torment?

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Giles: This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office... One assumes it is entirely legal? Buffy: [in unison] Of course. Willow: [in unison] Entirely. Giles: Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.

Principal Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, [jumps back] but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

The Master: [reading from the writing of Aurelius] "There will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master's great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him. And he will lead her into Hell." As it is written, so shall it be. "Five will die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius shall greet him, and usher him to his immortal destiny." As it is written, so shall it be. "And one of the Brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate." Oh, wait... [grabs one of the Brethren by the throat] That's not written anywhere. The Anointed will be my greatest weapon against the Slayer. If you fail to bring him to me... If you allow that girl to stop you... [throws the vampire into a coffin] Here endeth the lesson.

Giles: [about Owen's book selection] Oh, Emily Dickinson. Buffy: We're both fans. Giles: Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a... Buffy: [defensively] A girl? Giles: For an American.

Willow: Buffy has a really important date. Buffy: Owen! Giles: All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles: Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting. Buffy: You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?

Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting! Willow: It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!

Buffy: What is it with those guys? Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally. Xander: Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

Willow: [to Xander] You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.

Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate? Buffy: Uh-huh. Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor? Buffy: Yes. Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles. Buffy: It's bad, isn't it? Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.

[While researching in the library] Buffy: Wow. Apparently, Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats. Willow: Hyenas aren't well liked. Buffy: They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom. Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or... or some ducks?

Willow: [about Angel] So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's... not.

Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You’re in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind? Cordelia: What?!? Xander: [to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!

Angel: The elders conjured the most perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul. Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment? Angel: When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul; that's gone. No conscience, no remorse, it's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done...and care. I haven't fed on a human being since that day.

Buffy: I invited you into my home and then you attacked my family. Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friends' children... For hundreds of years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.

Darla: [about Angel] I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for a thousand years, but you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick. And you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die.

Giles: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages. Jenny: Did you ever leave?

Jenny: You kids really dig the library, don't you? Buffy: We're literary. Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Xander: Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do? Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world? Giles: Randomize traffic signals. Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles. Giles: Destroy the world's economy. Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing. Giles: ...Alright, yours was best.

Jenny: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much? Giles: The smell. Jenny: Computers don't smell, Rupert. Giles: I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower, or a a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is a - it, uh, it has no no texture, no-no context. It's-it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then-then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly.

Willow: Malcolm, Moloch, whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me? Buffy: It doesn't say anything about you. Willow: I mean, I thought I was really falling-- Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire. Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis? Willow: That's true. Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth. Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship. Xander: We're doomed! Willow: Yeah! [They laugh, but it quickly stops as they look uneasy]

Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.

Principal Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

Sid (the dummy): [about his present condition] Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I'm not me any more. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt.

[Marc has tricked Giles into getting into a craftily disguised guillotine.] Giles: Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck? Marc: No, no this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just come pouring out. Giles: What exactly is the trick? Marc: What trick?

Buffy: What about the whole "it's a demon" theory? Giles: I'm looking into that, but my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater. Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? (holding up her hands) Talent show, murder. Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it! Giles: Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on. Buffy: This is so unfair.

Joyce: You want to go to school? Buffy: Sure! Why not? Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there. Buffy: Little blasé there, aren't you? Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party! Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me. Xander: You da man, Buff!

[Xander knocks The Clown unconscious] Xander: You were a lousy clown! Your balloon animals were pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!

Xander: Our dreams are coming true? Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our--our nightmares are coming true.

The Master: [to Buffy] What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead?

[The class is discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'.] Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society? Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him. Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

Principal Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.

Giles: Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore. Angel: Not for a long while. Giles: Is that why you're here? To see her? Angel: I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her. Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.

Willow: 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all. Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generational gap. Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander: It's the kiss of death.

Cordelia: So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular? Buffy: That about sums it up. Cordelia: Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely. Buffy: Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling? Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say. Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular? Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

Angel: [about the prophecy] Well, there's gotta be some way around it. Giles: Listen, some prophecies are-are a bit dodgy. They're-they're mutable. Buffy herself has-has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass. Angel: Then you're reading it wrong. Giles: I wish to God I were. But it's very plain. Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.

Buffy: [about the prophecy in which she will die] So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One slayer dies, the next one's called. I wonder who she is. Will you train her? Or will they send someone else? Giles: Buffy... I... Buffy: [whimpering] Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? [as Angel steps close to her] Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me? Giles: I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it. I... Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit. Angel: It's not that simple. Buffy: I'm making it that simple. I quit. I resign, I-I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over. Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate... Buffy: [enraged, throwing books at Giles] The signs?! Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help! Giles: I don't suppose I am Angel: I know this is hard. Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? You think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way... Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember. Pay attention! Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises... Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.

The Master: You're dead. Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you. The Master: You were destined to die! It was written! Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

The Master: Where are your jibes now? Will you laugh when my Hell is on Earth? Buffy: You're that amped about Hell? Go there!

Buffy: It's just...been a really weird day. Xander: Yeah. Buffy died and everything. Willow: Wow. Harsh. Giles: I should've known that wouldn't stop you.





Season 2 [ edit ]

Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers. [The others look at each other.] Buffy: [to Xander] Was that an insult? Xander: Kinda lacked punch. Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool. Cordelia: I see your point. Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges. Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer? Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons. Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift! Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also.

Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you? Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous? Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is good, 'cause I don't really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I'm going to give you a piece of advice. Buffy: Which is? Cordelia: Get over it. Buffy: Excuse me? Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Willow: She's possessed! Giles: Possessed? Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy. Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? [gets looks from the others and concedes] She's possessed. Giles: Possessed by what? Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing! Giles: [sarcastically] Well, that narrows it down. Xander: Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened. Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: A bitcuh?

Angel: We need to distract the vampires. Buffy: Right. Angel: What are you gonna do? Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract 'em.

Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? Jenny: What? Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains. Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat. The stains.

Buffy: Are you jealous? Angel: [laughs a bit] Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid. Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him? Angel: Danced with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer. Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success. Angel: I am not jealous. Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous? Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Xander: [digging in the grave yard as the girls watch] Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too. Giles: [stopping, almost breathless] Hear, hear. Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies. Willow: Is it an army if you just have three? Buffy: Zombie drill team then.

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl? Xander: [bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love. Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this. Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair? Willow: All the time. Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to... Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. [Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves] So where were we? Willow: Wondering why we never get dates. Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

"Big Ugly": This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there. Spike: You were there? Please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion actually was there, it would've been like Woodstock. "Big Ugly": I oughta rip your throat out. Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and then I spent the next six hours watching my hand move... ["Big Ugly" rushes at Spike, who punches him out without even looking] Spike: [to the Anointed One] So, who do you kill for fun around here? The Anointed One: Who are you? Spike: Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them. The Anointed One: Can you? Spike: [glancing at "Big Ugly"] A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag... [scoffs] Who am I kidding? I love to brag!

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show. Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going. Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show? Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?

Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts] You should have someone out there. Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you? Angel: Everything. Spike: Yeah. Come up against this slayer yet? Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed. Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world! Xander: [to Angel] I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda! Angel: Things change. Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! Come on people! This isn't a spectator sport!

Spike: [holding a pole] Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of a nice ripe [turns to see Buffy, holding an axe] ...girl. Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this? Spike: I just like them, they make me feel all manly. [They both drop their weapons] Spike: The last Slayer I killed - she begged for her life. You don't strike me as the begging kind. Buffy: You shouldn't have come here. Spike: No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored! I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit. Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not. Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone. Giles: It's as if you know me.

Devon MacLeish: What does a girl have to do to impress you? Oz: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here. Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency! Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk. Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

Ampata: You are always thinking of others before yourself. You remind me of someone from very long ago. The Inca Princess. Buffy: Cool! A princess. Ampata: They told her that she was the only one. That only she could defend her people from the nether world. Out of all the girls in her generation... she was the only one... chosen. Do you know the story? Buffy: It's fairly familiar. Ampata: She was sixteen, like us. She was offered as a sacrifice and went to her death. Who knows what she had to give up to fulfill her duty to others?

Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance. Ampata: [laughs] Why was that so scary? Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel. Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever. Buffy: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and... I-I do think she cared about you. Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship. Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing. Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life. Buffy: I had you to bring me back.

Angel: I knew this was gonna happen. Buffy: What? What do you think is happening? Angel: You're 16 years old, I'm 241. Buffy: I've done the math. Angel: You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want. Buffy: Oh, no, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation. Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's going to lead to another. Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label? Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control. Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Angel: [grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after. Buffy: No. When you kiss me I want to die.

Buffy: Well, say it. Xander: I'm not gonna say it. Willow: You lied to Giles. Xander: 'Cause she will. Buffy: I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly. Xander: Like a corn dog. Willow: Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy. Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list? Buffy: There's no orgies!

Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me. Xander: Don't you hate that? Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child. Xander: That bastard! Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation. Xander: Yeah! [pause] Tom? Who's Tom? Willow: The frat guy. Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?

Giles: She lied to me? Willow: Well... Angel: Did... she have a date? Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? [Awkward beat] Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.

Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink. Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Willow: It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher Diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell. Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private. Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files. Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong. [cut to Willow and Buffy sneaking into the library]

Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew. Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs. Willow: It's true. Cordelia: You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

[Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.] Buffy: It's just ... You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween. Willow: Free candy? Buffy: It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions. Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see? Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Buffy: Ta da. Just little old 20th-century me. Angel: Sure you're okay? Buffy: I'll live. Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way? Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age. Angel: Oh, ho. Buffy: What? Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noblewomen. Buffy: You did. Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone ... exciting. Interesting. Buffy: Really? Interesting how? Angel: You know how. Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me. Angel: You're right. I should. Buffy: Definitely.

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ... Xander: I think you mean oppressed. Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me? Angel: Are you going to tell me that I'm jealous? Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way. Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty ... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

Angel: He left no paper trail. That's incriminating enough. Xander: I'm going to have to go with Deadboy on this one. Angel: Could ya not call me that?

Angel: Do you love me? Buffy: What? Angel: Do you? Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you. Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either. Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide! Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was ... an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste. Buffy: And you made her a vampire. Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon. Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.

Buffy: Well, I've got a news flash for you, brain trust. That's not how it works. You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you. Ford: It's better than nothing. Buffy: And your life is nothing? Ford, these people don't deserve to die. Ford: Well, neither do I. But apparently no one took that into consideration, 'cause I'm still dying.

Ford: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun? Buffy: I'm sorry. I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong. Ford: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and then we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong. These people are sheep. They're wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely, miserable or bored. I don't have a choice. Buffy: You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice. You're opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay. Ford: You think I need to justify myself to you? Buffy: I think this is all part of your little fantasy drama. Isn't this exactly how you imagined it? You tell me how you've suffered and I feel sorry for you. Well, I do feel sorry for you, and if those vampires come in here and start feeding, I'll kill you myself. Ford: You know what, Summers? I really did miss you.

Giles: I believe that's called growing up. Buffy: Then I'd like to stop, okay? Giles: I know the feeling. Buffy: Does it ever get easy? [Ford rises from the ground and attacks Buffy, she stakes him] Giles: You mean life? Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy? Giles: What do you want me to say? Buffy: Lie to me. Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. Buffy: Liar.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades. Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."

Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital. Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.

Ethan Rayne: Well we can't run. Eyghon will find us. This mark's like a homing beacon. Buffy: It's okay. I'm not much into running. Ethan Rayne: Aren't we manly? Buffy: One of us is.

Ethan Rayne: If you think of it karmically this is, this is really big for your soul. You know, taking my place with the demon. Giving, so that others may live. Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person. Giles: Most grownups are.

Xander: "Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default? Buffy: So, mark "none of the above". Xander: Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark. Willow: You're not gonna be young forever. Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids. Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid. Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Dalton: Yes, but ... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill? Spike: No, I think it's just enough kill.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation? Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind. Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag. Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Cordelia: You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face! Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping you! Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself! Xander: Not just any girl. You're special. Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you! Xander: I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna... Cordelia: "I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward! Xander: Moron! Cordelia: I hate you! Xander: I hate you! [They kiss] Xander: ...We so need to get out of here! Cordelia: [nods, frightened] Uh huh.

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook? Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook? Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool... Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case. Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?

Kendra: And those two, they also know you are the Slayer? Buffy: Yep. Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what "secret identity" means? Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook. Right after the chapter on personality removal.

Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike. Kendra: Two Slayers! Buffy: No waiting!

Oz: Oh, hey, animal cracker? Willow: No, thank you. How's your arm? Oz: Suddenly painless. Willow: You can still play guitar okay? Oz: Not well, but not worse. Willow: You know, I never really thanked you. Oz: Please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red and I have to bail. It's not pretty. Willow: Well then forget-that thing. Especially the part where I kind of owe you my life. [Oz pulls a cracker from the box, hoping to change the subject.] Oz: Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants. Willow: Yeah. I see. Oz: The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that... You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen... So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And you know the monkey's just, [in French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants," then there's a big coup at the zoo... Willow: The monkey's French? Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid? Buffy: Oh, yeah! Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy: Vampires are creeps. Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them. Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am— Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.

Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time. Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point? Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life. Angel: No, but maybe your mom does. Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom. Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is. Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted? Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you? Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him? Angel: Kiss me. Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy: [about Ted] So far, all I see is someone who supposedly has a good job, and is nice and polite, and my mother really likes him. Xander: What kind of a monster is he?

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good! Willow: I just wanna learn stuff. Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer? Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy. Buffy: But I looked good in it. Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker. Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. (pauses) That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it? Joyce: You're just too young to wear that. Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it. Joyce: That's the idea.

Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy? Xander: I think the word you're searching for is absent. Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg] Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract. Willow: No, it's your baby! Buffy: Okay, I get it even less. Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values. Willow: My egg is Jewish. Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.

Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches. Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers. Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario. Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! [cut to Buffy and Angel on patrol making out]

Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes. Willow: You boiled your young? Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression. Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you. Giles: A little of both might be appropriate.

Angel: So you don't think about the future? Buffy: No. Angel: Never? Buffy: No. Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now? Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you. Angel: I know the feeling.

[Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.] Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember? Buffy: I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas. Angel: You see my point?

[Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.] Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior. Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial. ... Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing. Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting. Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes." Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night? Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't! Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable. Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party. Oz: It's okay. Willow: But you could come! If you wanted. Oz: Well, I don't want to crash. Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date. Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave] Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!

Willow: Are you okay? Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust? Willow: Ohhh, well ... sort of. Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in. Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first. Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

[The Judge has captured both Buffy and Angel.] Angel: Leave her alone! Spike: That'll work. Now say pretty please. Angel: Take me instead. Spike: Apparently, you're not familiar with the concept. There is no instead, only firsts and seconds. Drusilla: And if you go first, you don't get to watch the Slayer die.

Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?? Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little. Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him. Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken. Spike: What the hell is going on? Judge: This one ... cannot be burnt. He is clean. Spike: Clean? You mean, he's ... Judge: There's no humanity in him. Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself. Drusilla: Angelus. Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back. ... Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap? Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase. ... Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you? Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural! Xander: I know it's weird ... Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia Club', of which you are the treasurer. Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you. Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame? Xander: All right, let's over-react, shall we? Willow: But I'm ... Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much. Willow: No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.

Angelus: [about last night, when they had sex] What? I took off. Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left. Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that. Buffy: What? Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night. Buffy: What are you saying? Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened. Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good? Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know. ... Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it, do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl ... you have to love her.

Giles: It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human. Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me. Giles: No. No no, I'm not. Buffy: This is all my fault. Giles: I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.

Willow: We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies! Buffy: Have you dropped any hints? Willow: I've dropped anvils. Buffy: Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms? Willow: At last count? All of them, maybe more. Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow. Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!

Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight. Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho. Buffy: Meow! Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a "Meow" before.

Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive. Buffy: In other words, your typical male. Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey! Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions. Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Buffy: [to Willow] Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Oz: You mean... you'd still... Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either. Oz: You are quite the human. Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still. Oz: I'd still. I'd very still! Willow: Okay. No biting, though. Oz: Agreed. [Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.] Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss. Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating. Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards. Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression. Angelus: Lacks... poetry. Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs? Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows...what speaks to a girl's heart.

Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before. Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat. Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present? Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't. Buffy: [angered] So you're saying this is all a game? Xander: A game? I... No! Buffy: You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy? Xander: Buffy, please calm down. Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself! Amy: Get away from him. He's mine. Buffy: Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her. Xander: What? I, uh... Amy: He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants. Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me? Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will... Xander: Uh-oh. Amy: ... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep. Harmony: I'm not a sheep. Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]

Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.

Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants! Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

Buffy: It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew. Willow: Well, sort of, except ... Buffy: Except what? Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" Buffy: Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.

Spike: Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds. Drusilla: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul. Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer! Angelus: Don't worry, Roller Boy. I've got everything under control. [ Molotov Cocktail lights the room on fire]

Buffy: Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home? Dr. Wilkinson: No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey. Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed. Dr. Wilkinson: She's still a little out of it. Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.

[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework] Buffy: Homework. Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon. Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better. Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name. Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact? Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Willow: I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time. Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong. Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor? Buffy: I... never have.

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing. Buffy: I thought I might try violence. Xander: Solid call.

Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures. Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

Willow: A ghost? Cool! Xander: Oh, no, no. No. Not cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore." Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist. Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Giles: I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, in fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate; you should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.

Giles: [about the ghost of James] He's-he's trying to... resolve whatever issues are keeping him in limbo. What exactly those are, I'm not... Buffy: He wants forgiveness. Giles: Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people, they act out exactly what happened that night. So he's experiencing a form of purgatory instead. I mean, he's doomed to kill his Ms. Newman over and over and over again, and... Forgiveness is impossible. Buffy: Good. He doesn't deserve it. Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it. Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with. Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.

Spike: [as Angel viciously scrubs his face] You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated. Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you. Drusilla: What was it? A demon? Angelus: [still washing his face] Love! Drusilla: Poor Angel. Angelus: [grabbing Drusilla] Let's get out of here. I need a really vile kill before sun-up to wipe this crap out of my system. Drusilla: Of course. We'll find you a nice toddler. [to Spike] Want to come, pet? Angelus: No can do, Dru. I'm sure he'd be hell on wheels, but we don't have much time. Gotta travel light. [grabs Spike and gets in his face] Sorry. Try to have fun without me. [Angelus and Drusilla leave] Spike: Oh, I will. [stands and kicks away the wheelchair] Sooner than you think.

Xander: Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene? Cordelia: Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something. Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate. Xander: We're number one!

Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds. Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works. Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing? Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving. Xander: I think that was Lincoln. Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat. Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson. Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?

Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides? Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness. Giles: Yes, um, Principal Snyder has asked the faculty to keep the news quiet for now, um, so as not to unduly upset the students. Xander: For "students", read "swim team". Willow: So we're looking for a beastie. Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin. Buffy: This doesn't make any sense. Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part. Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!

Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice? Xander: Three times a Fish Guy. Buffy, Willow: Oh. Cordelia: Whoa! Xander: What am I gonna do? Cordelia: You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon. Xander: Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support! Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Buffy: Tell me what's in the steam! Coach Marin: After the fall of the Soviet Union, documents came into light detailing experiments with fish DNA in their Olympic swimmers. Tarpon, mako shark... But they couldn't crack it. Buffy: And you did... sort of. Why? Coach Marin: What kind of question is that? For the win! To make my team the best they could be! Do you understand we have a shot at the State Championship? Buffy: Do you understand that I don't care? It's over. There's not gonna be any Swim Team. Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handing out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you? Buffy: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity. [Coach Marin pulls out a gun, aiming at her] Which you obviously skipped.

Principal Snyder: Are we having a chair shortage? Willow: I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it. Principal Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom. Buffy: Yeah, where they teach lunch. Principal Snyder: Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason. [walks away] Cordelia: How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu? Buffy: Sums it up. Cordelia: Don't you think?

[flashback] Drusilla: Me mum says I'm cursed. My seeing things is an affront to the Lord. That only He's supposed to see anything before it happens. But I don't mean to, Father, I swear. I swear. I try to be pure in His sight. I don't want to be an evil thing. Angelus: Oh, hush, child. The Lord has a plan for all creatures. Even a devil child like you. Drusilla: [mortified] A devil... Angelus: Yes, you're a spawn of Satan, all the Hail Mary's in the world aren't going to help. The Lord will use you and smite you down. He's like that. Drusilla: What can I do? Angelus: Fulfill His plan, child. Be evil. Just give in. Drusilla: No! I want to be good. I want to be pure. Angelus: We all do, at first. World doesn't work that way. Drusilla: Father, I beg you. Please... please, help me. Angelus: Very well. Ten 'Our Fathers' and an act of contrition. Does that sound good? Drusilla: Yes. Yes, Father, thank you. Angelus: The pleasure was mine. Oh, and my child? Drusilla: Yes? Angelus: God is watching you.

[Angelus, Drusilla and some vampires bring the sarcophagus back to show Spike] Spike: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends, they all don't have a rock this big. Angelus: Spike, boy you never did learn your history. Spike: Let's have a lesson then. Angelus: Acathla, the demon, came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're puttin' up low-rent housing. [to other vampires] Boys. [two vampires open the sarcophagus] Drusilla: He fills my head. I can't hear anything else. Spike: Let me guess, someone pulls out the sword... Angelus: Someone worthy. Spike: ...The demon wakes up and wackiness ensues. Drusilla: He will swallow the world. Angelus: And every creature living on this planet will go to hell. My friends, we're about to make history... end.

Giles: I've been on the phone with the museum, the artifact in question is missing and the curator has been murdered by vampires. Buffy: And you're sure this is the tomb of alfalfa. Giles: Acathla, and yes the information provided by Kendra's Watcher seems conclusive. Willow: Okay somebody explain the whole he will suck the world into hell thing because that's the part I'm not loving. Giles: Well the demon universe exists in a dimension separate from our own, and one breath of Acathla will create a vortex–a kind of whirlpool–that will pull everything on earth into that dimension where any non-demon life will suffer horrible and eternal torment. Buffy: So that would be the literal kind of sucked into hell. Neat. Willow I think you should try the curse. Kendra: I tend to stand with your friend Xander on this one. Angel should be eliminated. Buffy: Oh I'll fight him. I'll kill him if I have to, but if I don't get there in time or I lose, then Willow might be our only hope. Willow: [nervously] But I don't want to be our only hope, I crumble under pressure, lets have another hope. Kendra: We have. [pulls out a sword] Blessed by the knight who first slew the demon if all else fails this might stop it. [hesitantly] I think. Giles: Oh ooh may I. [Kendra hands Giles the sword] Thank you. [examining sword] Well its only if all else fails. [to Willow] Uh uh-mm how close are you to figuring out the ritual to the curse. Willow: Oh I need about a day, and an Orb of Thessulah, whatever that is. Giles: Spirit vault for the undead, I've got one. I've been using it as a paperweight. Willow: This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final. Buffy: Oh, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em... Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're not. I'll show you what I mean. ... Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Spike: I want to save the world. Buffy: You do remember that you're a vampire, right? Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy: Okay, fine, you're not down with Angel. Why would you ever come to me? Spike: I want Dru back, I want it like it was before he came back. The way she acts around him..... Buffy: You're pathetic, I lost a friend tonight! Spike: I wasn't in on that raiding party. Buffy: And I may lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into Hell and you want my help because your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care! Spike: I can't fight them both alone and neither can you. Buffy: [seething] I hate you. Spike: And I'm all you've got. [Knocked out cop groans] Buffy: Alright, talk. Spike: [Casually] I just need to kill this guy. Buffy: Ahem, ahem. Spike: Oh. Right.

Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out? Joyce: Well, it stops now! Buffy: No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.

Angelus: Just tell me what I need to know. Giles: In order t-to... to be worthy... you must perform the ritual.. in a tutu. Pillock! Angelus: Alright. Someone get the chain saw.

Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left? Buffy: Me.





Season 3 [ edit ]

[A vampire breaks out of a grave and someone is seen standing over it] Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it. ... [after the vampire has escaped] Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen? Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team? Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"? Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time! Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

[In Buffy's dream] Buffy: How did you find me here? Angel: If I was blind, I would see you. Buffy: Stay with me. Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.

Giles: I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you... should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss. Willow: You'd be cranky? Giles: Entirely. Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: "Don't get killed."

Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, 'Hey, what's with all the sin.' I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy and the loud music that us kids listen to nowadays... oh, I just suck at undercover. Where's Ken?

Lily: I always knew I would come here... sooner or later. I knew I belonged here. Buffy: Where? Lily: Hell. Buffy: This isn't Hell. Ken: Isn't it? What is Hell, but the total absence of hope? The substance, the tactile proof of despair?

Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander. Joyce: Will you be slaying? Buffy: Only if they give me lip.

Principal Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly. Joyce: Buffy was cleared of all those charges. Principal Snyder: Yes, and while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrollment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to... I'm sorry. Another tingle moment.

[Giles brings a zombie cat to the library.] Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything? Giles: We're trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I want to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk. Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.

Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny? Cordelia: What's the difference? Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. Xander: Well, I hate brie. Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.

Buffy: Fine, okay, I can take my lumps. For awhile. Willow: All right, I'll stop giving you a hard time. [pause] Runaway. Buffy: Will! Willow: I'm sorry ... quitter. Buffy: Whiner. Willow: Bailer. Buffy: Harpy. Willow: Delinquent. Buffy: Tramp. Willow: Bad seed. Buffy: Witch. Willow: Freak.

Willow: I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like. [Buffy glares at her] Oh, I didn't mean that bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you... [looks at Oz] you're supposed to stop me when I do that. Oz: I like when you do that.

Faith: The whole summer it was, like, the worst heatwave. So, it's about 118 degrees and I'm sleepin' without a stitch on, and all of a sudden I hear this screamin' from outside. So I go tearin' out stark nude and this church bus is broke down and there's three vamps feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston. So I waste the vamps and the preacher comes up and he's hugging me like there's no tomorrow when all of a sudden the cops pull up and they arrested us both. Xander: Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.

Faith: I could eat a horse. Ain't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny? [Xander, Cordy, Willow & Oz all look at Buffy for confirmation] Buffy: Well... sometimes I-I crave a non-fat yogurt after.

Buffy: [about Kakistos] Now, this guy shows up two days ago, right? Right around the same time my bestest new little sister makes her scene. Giles: You think he and Faith are connected? Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in: coincidence and leprechauns. Giles: Well, Buffy, it's entirely possible that they both arrived here by chance simultaneously. Buffy: Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right? Giles: As far as I know, yes.

Buffy: Angel was cured. Giles: I'm sorry? Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. [to Willow] Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I, I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, I kissed him, and I killed him.

Faith: [about Scott] But you like him. When you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right? Buffy: Yeah, I guess... how low? Faith: You tell me!

Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy. Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical 'til I was at least forty. Faith: It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from... Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.

Buffy: We have a marching jazz band? Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... Scary. Willow: He's just being Oz. Oz: Pretty much full-time.

Buffy: Couldn't sleep, huh? Willow: I've been at Mister Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. How come you're the Wakey Girl? I mean, this time, it's not your boyfriend who's the cold-blooded... [sees Oz] Jelly doughnut?

Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we are dealing with. Quite clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal. [Oz comes in.] Oz: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty. Cordelia: They're training. Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire or ... whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before. Kulak: I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan. Mr. Trick: Isn't that nice.

Buffy: Hey. Willow: Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good? Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you. Willow: No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces. Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life. Willow: What do you want? Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database. Willow: 'kay.

Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll all regret later, okay? Cordelia: Crazy freak! Buffy: Vapid whore! Xander: Like that.

Cordelia: I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this. Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought ... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.

Angel: It's late. How'd you get away? Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck. Angel: Oh. Buffy: I'm joking. No garbage. Smell me.

Buffy: Something's definitely changing them. Willow: A spell? Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh? Principal Snyder: [to Oz] You've got great hair.

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff- never mind.

Buffy: Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SAT's tomorrow. Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note.

Buffy: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt... so alone. Giles: Was that the math or the verbal? Buffy: Mostly the math.

Cordelia: Why are you guys so hyper? Willow: Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different? Xander: Let's see. Killing zombies, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster.

Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? Buffy: It was an accident. Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

Buffy: [About Angel] You'd just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you? Xander: I don't need an excuse! I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason!

Giles: Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

Faith: Guy like that, with that kinda glove, could kill a whole mess of people. Xander: Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. [aims to take his next shot] Faith: Buffy knew he was alive. [Xander shoots; Faith glares] I can't believe her. Xander: She says he's clean. Faith: Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. [Xander looks at her] I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay. Xander: [beat] Can I come?

Willow: I'm pathetic, illiterate. I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel. Xander: That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined score in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Joyce: That's not it. It's just... You belong at-at a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires. Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a Chaos demon! Have you ever seen a Chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting... She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends. [leans over and sobs on Willow's shoulder.] God, I'm so unhappy! Willow: [tentatively pats his knee.] There, there.

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back to making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave. Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about. Spike: Oh, yeah, you're just friends. Angel: That's right. Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Spike: Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. [Buffy looks at Angel, he shrugs] I'm really glad I came here, you know. I've been all wrong-headed about this: weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man that I was - the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her - wherever she is - tie her up, torture her, 'til she likes me again. [grins happily, makes to leave. Turns, whimsical.] Love's a funny thing.

Buffy: No luck reaching Cordelia? Xander: I've left a few messages. Sixty, seventy... but you know what really bugs me? [to Willow] OK, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss. Willow: Darn tootin'! Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault. Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic. Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Cordelia: [about Willow and Xander] No, no, no way! I wish us into Bizarro-land and you guys are still together? I cannot win! Vamp Xander: Probably not, [changes to vampire face] but I'll give you a head start.

Vamp Willow: Hmm, Buffy. Oooh. Scary. Vamp Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Giles: Cordelia Chase. What did she wish for? Anyanka: I had no idea her wish would be so exciting! 'Brave new world.' I hope she likes it. Giles: You're gonna change it back. I'm not afraid of you. Your only power lies in the wishing. Anyanka: Wrong! This is the real world now. This is the world we made. Isn't it wonderful? [Giles snatches her glowing necklace and breaks free of her grasp, then grabbing a heavy object from his desk, raises his arm to smash the amulet.] Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this? Giles: Because it has to be.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale! Anya: Done! [nothing happens, Anya is confused] Cordelia: No! I wish Buffy Summers had never been born! That would be cool! Anya: Done! [again nothing happens] Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair. Anya: Done! Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...

Xander: So, you doing anything special? Buffy: Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. [to Willow] What are you doing for Christmas? Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.

[The First Evil torments Angel, taking on the forms of people he killed as Angelus] The First: [as Travis, a man that Angelus killed along with his sons] The thing I remember most was thinking how artful it was. In the dark, they looked just like they were sleeping. It wasn't until I bent down and kissed them good night that I felt how cold they were. You grabbed me, and I thought: who would go to so much trouble to arrange them like that? [turns into Margaret, a servant girl] But you see, that's what makes you different than other beasts. They kill to feed, but you took more kinds of pleasure in it than any creature that walks or crawls. Angel: Oh, God...! The First: [mimicking him when he killed Margaret] Yeah, cry out. Make a scene. [Angel tries to escape, but runs into the First in the form of Daniel, an Irish man he killed] The First: I was to be married that week. But then, as I recall, you knew that. Angel: It wasn't me! The First: [turns into Jenny Calendar] It wasn't you? Angel: A demon isn't a man. I was a man once-- The First: Oh, yes. And what a man you were. [turns into Margaret] A drunken, whoring layabout, and a terrible disappointment to your parents. Angel: I was young. I never had a chance to-- The First: To die of syphilis? You were a worthless being before you were ever a monster.

Oz: You ever have that dream where you're in a play and it's the middle of the play and you really don't know your lines? And you kinda don't know the plot? Willow: Well, we're alone, and, we're together. I-I just wanted it to be special. Oz: How special we talkin'? Willow: Well, y'know, we're alone ... and ... we're both ... mature younger people, and-and so ... w-we could ... I-I'm ready to ... w-with you ... [whispers] we could do that thing. Oz: [stands up] Ahh ... Willow: Where are you going? Oz: No, not going, just uh ... dramatic gesture. That's-that's pretty special. Willow: [also stands up] Oz, I-I wanna be with you. First. Oz: I think we should sit down again. [They sit.] Willow: Oz? I-I'm ready. Oz: Okay, well, don't take this the wrong way, but ... I'm not. Willow: Are you scared? 'Cause I thought you had- Oz: No, I-I have. But, this is different. I mean, you look great, y'know, and you got the Barry workin' for ya, and-and it's all ... good. But when it happens I want it to be because we both need it to, for the same reason. You don't have to prove anything to me. Willow: I just wanted you to know. Oz: I know. I get the message. [They kiss]

[After Buffy defeats the First Evil's priests] The First: [as Jenny Calendar] Hmm, I'm impressed Buffy: You won't get Angel. The First: You think you can fight me? I'm not a demon, little girl, I am something you cannot even conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin. Beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You’ll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate... Buffy: All right, I get it, you're evil! Do we have to chat about it all day? The First: Angel will be dead by sunrise. Your Christmas will be his wake. Buffy: No. The First: You have no idea what you're dealing with. Buffy: Let me guess - is it evil? The First: [transforms into a fearsome demonic form, then vanishes] DEAD BY SUNRISE!

Angel: I can't do it again Buffy. I can't become a killer. Buffy: Then fight it. Angel: It's too hard. Buffy: Angel, please, you have to get inside! Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream, you know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again. Buffy: I know what it told you, what does it matter? Angel: [yelling] Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you. And I know it will cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care. I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon that needs killing in me, Buffy. It's the man. Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die right now, then all that you ever were was a monster. [Angel does not respond] Angel, please, the sun is coming up. Angel: Just go! Buffy: I won't. Angel: Do you think this is simple? Do you think this is an easy answer? You could never understand what I've done! Now go! Buffy: You are not staying here! I'm helping you! Angel: Leave! [they struggle] Am I a thing worth saving, huh?! Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone! Buffy: What about me? I love you so much, and I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. [whispers] I can't. Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong. Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because ... [Snow falls, blocking the sunlight.]

Buffy: Hey. Is Willow around? Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I am here, she is here. That I somehow mysteriously know where she is. Buffy: [points] Those her books? Xander: Yeah, she's in the bathroom. [Buffy nods] But the fact that I know that doesn't change that I have a genuine complaint here. Look, I'm getting sick of the judgement. The innuendos. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty? Buffy: You are guilty. You got illicit smoochies. Gonna have to pay the price. Xander: But I'm talking about the future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence. Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox. Xander: No but it's different now. It's more a verbal non-verbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.

Mrs. Rosenberg: You're upset, I hear you ... Willow: No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion! Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness! Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out, I'm a witch! I can make pencils float! And I can summon the four elements! Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician! Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow. Willow: I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings! Do you see any goats around? No! 'Cause I sacrificed them! Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, please... Willow: All bow before Satan! Mrs. Rosenberg: I'm not listening to this. Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!

[Angel finds Buffy during patrol.] Buffy: Hey. How are you? Angel: I'm all right. I think I'm better than you right now. [indicates playground shrine] I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me. Buffy: It's strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time. I've never seen anything like this. Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference. Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming? My mom said some things to me about being the Slayer. That it's fruitless. No fruit for Buffy. Angel: She's wrong. Buffy: Is she? Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad just keeps coming back... and getting stronger. Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck. Angel: Dike. [Buffy looks at him.] It's another word for dam. Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now. Angel: Buffy, you know there's still things I'm trying to figure out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you. Buffy: But we never... Angel: We never win. Buffy: Not completely. Angel: Never will. That's not why we fight. We do it because there's things worth fighting for.

Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents. Buffy: And in some language that's English? Oz: Fairy tales are real? Buffy: Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel? Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house? Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now. Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place. Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes. Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch. Giles: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly. Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing. Oz: So what do we do? Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans ... [silence] No one else is seeing the funny here.

Buffy: [after killing the demon] Did I get it? Did I get it? [Xander and Oz fall through the ceiling and crash to the floor.] [Silence.] Oz: We're here to save you.

[After a vampire rolls down a slide in a playground...] Buffy: Wow! That was really funny looking! Could you do it again? Vampire: I'll kill you for that. Buffy: For that? What were you going to kill me for before?

Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite. Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills. Xander: You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers. Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird -- Buffy: Guys, reality!

[Angel gives Buffy a book for her birthday.] Buffy: It's sweet and thoughtful, and full of neat words to learn and say like "wilt" and "henceforth." Angel: Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box? Buffy: I'm sorry ... it's just, suddenly there's a chance that my calling's a wrong number ... it's just freaking me out a little.

Buffy: Before I was the Slayer I was ... Well, I- I don't wanna say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her "Spordelia," looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me? Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer. Buffy: What? Angel: I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and ... I loved you. Buffy: Why? Angel: Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own. Buffy: That's beautiful ... Or, taken literally, incredibly gross. Angel: I was just thinking that too.

Kralik: [to Buffy's mother] Mother. May I call you "mother"? My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own, so she tried to take mine. Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. But she's dead to me now. Mostly because I killed and ate her, but also because I know I won't be alone much longer. I'll have your daughter. I won't kill her -- I'll just make her like me. Different. She'll go to sleep, and when she wakes up, your face will be the first thing she eats. [considers] I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that.

Buffy: Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt. Faith: Or killed. Buffy: Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent. Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head? Faith: Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all. Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen. Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer. Cordelia: Oh, please. Xander: I do! Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't. [Cordelia turns and walks away.] Cordelia: [to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Xander: But ... it's just that it's bugging me ... this cool thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of "cool"? Oz: Not sure. Xander: I mean you, yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that? Oz: Am I? Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases? Oz: Could be. Xander: No, you're in a band! That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz: Not the way I play it. Xander: Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade: I'm takin' the flugelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But ya need a thing. One thing nobody else has. What do I have? Oz: An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.

Faith: She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop! Xander: Really? Pop?! Faith: You up for it? Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before. Faith: Just relax. And take your pants off. Xander: Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical. Faith: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves. Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school] Xander: [to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be? [Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor] Jack: And it just got harder. Xander: I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed. Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers. Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds? [Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.] Xander: I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances. Jack: Then you'll die, too. Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear? Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead. Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that. Jack: Are you? Xander: [t