The phone rings in Paul Johnson's office.

(via)

Paul Johnson: No.

NCAA Investigator: I'm...I'm sorry, I'm looking for the office of Paul Johnson?

Paul: This is. I just don't say "yes." Too positive for me.

NCAA Investigator. Well, I'd like to speak with you about potential NCAA violations.

Paul. And I'd like you to eat a sack lunch off my taint, son.

NCAA Investigator: I'm going to read the charges off in order.

Paul: I'm holding a seashell up to my ear son, and I can hear an ocean of I-don't-give-a-shit. It's the best white noise machine a man can buy. I'd sleep with two of them strapped to my ears if I cared about sleep or life.

NCAA Investigator: The first: a prohibited benefit in the provision of two t-shirts for Demaryius Thomas.

Paul: I'm sorry, who?

NCAA Investigator: Demaryius Thomas. A former wide receiver---

Paul: We don't have those. I'm sending you an email right now regarding this matter. Please hold.

NCAA Investigator's inbox pings.

NCAA Investigator: That is a picture of your scrotum, Coach Johnson.

Paul Johnson: Just like my face. Wrinkled, ugly, and gonna hang where it wants to. Also doesn't care.

NCAA Investigator: If we can proceed, Coach.

Paul Johnson: ...

NCAA Investigator: ...

Paul Johnson: ...

NCAA Investigator: Can I go on?

Paul Johnson: Go ahead. Or don't. I'll be over here pulling ticks off my best hunting hog. I turned him. Some in the pig community call him traitor. I call him friend, and my only one. His name is David Allen Coe.

NCAA investigator: Morgan Burnett, receiving one watch from a booster.

Paul Johnson: Funny you should mention watches. You know what time it is?

NCAA Investigator: It's 9:14 am Eastern Time, Coach Johnson.

Paul Johnson: No it's not. It's time for you to meet my new spokesperson and one of five people whose names I remember. You're on speakerphone now. James, talk to this man for me.

[THROWS RATTLESNAKE AT PHONE]

[HOMOSEXUAL SLUR]

James Harrison: NCAA MAN YOU ARE A BITCH WHO MUST BOUNCE! I WILL SHOOT YOU WITH BULLETS MADE OF BILL BELICHICK'S SKULLMEAT AND THEN SEND YOU ON A DATE WITH THAT DUMBASS QB OF MINE WHO HEADBUTTS CARS AND GIVES BATHROOM SEX A BAD NAME! ARRRRGGHGHHHH I'M STILL MAD ABOUT WHAT HE DID TO THE GOOD NAME OF BATHROOM SEX! BRIAN CUSHING HAD BATHROOM SEX WITH A SIX FOOT JAR OF STEROIDS AND DIDN'T EVEN ASK PERMISSION! EVERYONE'S ALL COOL WITH THAT BUT I PARALYZE A PUNTER AND EVERYONE'S GONNA CRY LIKE A BITCH AND WANT ME DEAD!

NCAA Investigator: Could you please put Coach Johnson back on---

Harrison: NOW YOU WANNA MESS WITH MY MAN PAUL JOHNSON HE DOESN'T CARE LIKE I DO! HE LET ME DROWN ON A FISHING TRIP ONCE TO TEACH ME A LESSON ABOUT SELF-RELIANCE AND I DIED BUT WHEN THE DEVIL MET ME HE WAS LIKE BITCH PLEASE I CAN'T HANDLE THIS MOTHERFUCKER PLUS YOU ALREADY LIVED IN KENT, OHIO AND HE SENT ME BACK WITH NOTHING BUT MY DICK AND SEVEN DOLLARS! THAT'S ALL CHAMPIONS NEED! AHHHH WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? DID YOU PLAY THE GAME, PUNK?

NCAA Investigator: I rowed at Dartmouth.

Harrison: OH YOU ROWED. THAT'S FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER. I'M GONNA GET ON A BOAT AND COME SEE YOU. LIKE SLAVERY IN REVERSE BUT YOU'RE THE NCAA AND ALREADY IN THAT BUSINESS, AREN'T YOU? AREN'T YOU, OAR-SWINGING WHALE PANT-WEARING AQUATIC RACIST BITCH?

NCAA Investigator: [click]

Harrison: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW, COACH JOHNSON? I FEEL LIKE EATING A BUILDING THAT LOOKED AT ME WRONG THIS MORNING.

Paul Johnson: I don't care, James. I never do.

[THEY LAUGH]

Fin