Oh no. Oh NO.

Be warned: I am about to absolutely ruin your day, and for that I do not apologise at all.

A story’s doing the rounds online today that, at first glance, tugs at the heartstrings like the end of The Breakfast Club. According to the Daily Mail, River Heads local Evan Switzer was walking his dog a few mornings ago when he spied a family of kangaroos in a park. Switzer snapped some photos, which seem to show the male kangaroo tenderly cradling the head of his partner as she lays dying, while the joey looks on helplessly. One even appears to show the mum stretching her arms out to her kid, like that scene in every action movie where a dying character stays alive just long enough to deliver a touching monologue.

Naturally, people are eating the story up — a stack of publications have quickly repackaged the story themselves, and the outpouring of so-cute-but-so-sad has been immense.

There’s only one problem: that male kangaroo so gently holding his partner’s head is most likely just trying to have some good old-fashioned roo-sex with the still-warm corpse of his mate. So, y’know, dial the grief back a notch.

According to the Australian Museum’s Principal Research Scientist Dr Mark Eldridge, who seemingly has zero sympathy for people’s feelings, the animal’s behaviour has been “fundamentally misinterpreted,” which is a very delicate way of putting it. In his words, the male roo isn’t “propp[ing] up her [the mother’s] head so she could see her joey before she died…this is a male trying to get a female to stand up so he can mate with her.”

“The male is clearly highly stressed and agitated. His forearms are very wet from him licking himself to cool down. He is also sexually aroused: the evidence is here sticking out from behind the scrotum (yes, in marsupials the penis is located behind the scrotum),” Dr Eldridge says, the screams of a million suddenly-horrified punters ringing in his ears.

Further examination of the photos in question would seem to support Dr Eldridge’s theory.

Despite the fact that, in hindsight, it seems kind of obvious that a kangaroo is less capable of grief than it is of being super horny all the time, people are not particularly happy with Dr Eldridge’s interpretation of events.

“Aww that kangaroo is greiving for his lost mate” “Nah, she is passed out, maybe dead and he wants a root” #straya — Sophie Benjamin (@sophbenj) January 14, 2016

Mourny or Horny? The True Story Behind THAT Kangaroo — Lane Sainty (@lanesainty) January 14, 2016

*extremely kangaroo borat voice* my wife — danuary (@dannolan) January 14, 2016

Again, I make no apologies for helping ruin this magical moment for you. Zero.

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Images by Evan Switzer.