WASHINGTON—Fighting the urge to vomit as he gorged on the deep-fried, processed meat, disgusted special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ate two McDonald’s 20-piece Chicken McNugget meals in one sitting on Tuesday in an attempt to get into President Trump’s mind. “To understand him, I must become him,” said Mueller, retching as he peeled back the lid of his eighth BBQ sauce container and dipping his 29th consecutive McNugget in the tangy condiment, an ordeal he said was the only way to truly inhabit the psyche of Donald Trump and discover “what makes him tick.” “I just have to keep pushing myself if I’m to have any hope at all of comprehending this man’s thought process. However unpleasant it may be, no matter how nauseated I may feel, I have no choice but to dunk another wad of French fries into this M&M McFlurry.” At press time, a infuriated Mueller was pounding his fists and shouting, “Who are you, dammit!” as he drank down another large KFC gravy.

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