The Full Weeden

It has become painfully obvious that Brandon Weeden is not, nor will ever become, a legitimate NFL quarterback. I would maintain that Weeden is the worst of the “franchise” quarterbacks the Browns have had, and that is really saying something. Can you imagine that when they drafted Weeden, he could later be referred to as “one third the QB that Kelly Holcomb was” and no one would challenge you? Weeden has somehow combined the worst attributes of previous Browns QBs into one horrifying package. He has the lack of mobility and lack of touch of Derek Anderson. He has the poor decision making of Jake Delhomme. He holds the ball too long like Tim Couch. Brandon Weeden has somehow managed to click off all the check marks in what you don’t want from a QB. All of them. I think we have all seen enough to know that “NFL Quarterback” isn’t the right job for Brandon. There’s no shame in that. It’s not right for me either. I’m sure Brandon has a fabulous education from Oklahoma State to fall back on.

As we nestle in comfortably in this doomed ship that is the 2013 Browns season, the question becomes how long the Browns will run Weeden out there. Look, I’m a complete dope and even I know Weeden can’t play. You would have to think that the players and coaches on the team might have had the same thought. “Chud, me and some of the guys were watching tape of the game last week and it occurred to us, after watching it a few times, that Brandon isn’t too good. We were trying to figure out why we were winning with Hoyer and losing with Weeden. I don’t know if you coaches have thought about it, but a bunch of the guys were thinking that maybe it’s worth looking into if Brandon has something to do with it.”

Jason Campbell, a pretty crummy QB himself, has to be thinking “if I don’t get to play here in this scenario, am I ever going to play in the NFL again?”. Maybe he needs to make a “statement” of some kind. Jason Campbell should stop dressing for games. If I were him, I would consider sitting on the bench in street clothes and eating nachos. If you are only a spectator, go all the way. He should tailgate in the Muni Lot. What’s the difference? He’s a season ticket holder that gets paid to watch the games from the sideline. Embrace it. I’m not saying he shouldn’t support the team. In fact, maybe he should buy a rubber dog mask and wear a bone necklace. The network would love it, and maybe the Browns would love his enthusiastic attitude. “Boy that Jason really has drunk the Kool-Aid! Maybe we should let him play a little bit in the 4th quarter!”

The question remains if the Browns plan to tank the season is in full force. It’s quite a situation. That pick they got from Indianapolis appears to be too little to package in for a top pick, so they are going to have to get to the top of the list all by themselves. The team is going to have to go “Full Weeden” to get a top pick. Please note, this exciting new catch phrase can be used in everyday life as well. Example: “I met this girl at the bar, and I went back to her place. As I was making out with her and taking off her panties, I went Full Weeden and barfed on her.” The Full Weeden represents a doomsday spiral without hope of redemption. “I was killing it in the job interview, but then I went Full Weeden and whipped out a line of cocaine on the dude’s desk.” The Full Weeden is the End of Days. The Full Weeden is when all hope is lost. The Full Weeden is a catastrophic event or events that destroy any chance of personal victory. Did you burn up your engine by driving your car with the no oil light on? You went Full Weeden on that car my friend.

I don’t know where the Browns go from here, but I know that The Brandon Weeden Era is coming to a close in 2013. There will be plenty of discounted jerseys on sale at Dick’s Sporting Goods. While it will be sort of sad to see all those unwanted shirts, let’s look at the positive. There is a new reference point for abject failure in the quarterback position for the Browns, and that is Brandon Weeden. While we thought Ty Detmer, Brady Quinn and Trent Dilfer were bad, that was only a warmup to the Full Weeden. It’s got to get better from here, right? Right?

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

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