// review by SoyBomb I'm too xexyz for my shirt... Xexyz. You can't pronounce it. Don't even try to pronounce it. Your tongue will turn into a pretzel. But what you can do is pop this baby into your NES, press the Power button, sit back with a relaxing glass of tonic water, and start asking the tough questions in life: where am I? What's going on? Why are women in bathtubs rewarding me with money? Why am I riding a lobster in space? Yes, that's Xexyz in a nutshell. The game starts off with what I consider to be QUITE the epic tale. In 2777, wars were not only beginning, but they had been going on for a significant amount of time. The planet was basically a crispy remnant of its former self due to nuclear fallout and more natural disasters than should have occurred. Most people died from these events, leaving a fraction of the population to take over the world. (Guess that means more sweet corn for the rest of us.) Unfortunately, all those disasters and radioactive attacks also caused most of the world's land masses to deteriorate; only five islands remained, so don't repopulate too quickly, or you'll have to start teaching babies to swim at birth. W...water birth? The new nation of islands was collectively called Xexyz. Whoever named this place was not-so-secretly in love with the end of the alphabet. Also, there were spirits and fairies. Everything seemed to be manageable at Xexyz until a mechanic fortress attacks the place. (Yes, both the manual and the game itself specify that it's a "mechanic fortress" — a fortress where mechanics live, maybe? Take my Buick, please!) They called the fortress "Goruza", and because they weren't prepared to take down a castle, they had to wave the white flag and surrender. Goruza, which I don't think is an actual sentient being, set up other fortresses on each island and declared itself the ruler. Goruza also killed the king, King Xeu Star, and stole his daughter. Well, we could've just let that be the end of it. Goruza could have been a superior ruler, after all, replacing the uranium-soaked waters of the ocean with Evian and gumdrops. But leave it to Apollo, who wants things back the way they were. Donning a half-battle, half-NASCAR-racer suit, Apollo heads out in anticipation of bringing down Goruza and his nasty mechanical army! Midnight at the Apollo, folks.

So this is what life is like in 2777. Immortality, get outta my way! Xexyz has two different modes of play, and it swaps between them, ehhh, whenever it feels like it. Actually, it alternates between them. Odd-numbered stages put you directly in the role of Apollo, walking around, shooting any crazy robot that moves. This is one of those games that has a million doors all over the place, most of which aren't as useful as they ought to be. The occasional door contains a blue fellow that wants to offer me valuable "imformation". Yes, it's misspelled every time. Of course, they're not half as silly as the gamekeeper who lets you win more than you pay EVERY time. You basically cannot lose his game! In platformer mode, you can collect two things: "E" blocks, which serve as currency in Xexyz, and "L" blocks, which refill your life bar. "E" can be exchanged for goods and services, such as buying a better weapon (if a strange squirrel guru isn't giving you one for free) or obtaining a magical accessory, like the Foot Wing for better jumping skills or the Mirror, which gives you a hovering holo-Apollo over your head for additional firepower. Your initial goal is to get into the mechanical castle on that island, which requires you to obtain a Force Star. To...force your way in? Wait a minute... Force Star... Star Force... there's another game called Star Force, also for the NES, developed by... Hudson Soft, publisher of Xexyz! I sense a galactic conspiracy! Anyway, you get the Force Star by defeating some giant statue with a big head, and then you can sneak into the fortress. Make your way through there, and you are a hero. Or at least for the time being. After dealing with the grungy innards of the mechanical castle, you're given a mobile unit to ride by the queen, at which point you have to ride your way through fast-paced side-scrolling shooter action (the second mode of gameplay). Seems kind of dangerous to ride something without any protective windshield. Must be tough having to constantly scrape bugs off your visor. Equip fly swatter! Even-numbered stages consist of just one straightforward level of side-scrolling shmuppism, coupled with a boss battle with something gigantic and unnecessary. You can power-up your mobile unit with "S" obelisks for speed and "P" ones for power. One thing that bothered me is the lack of rapid-fire in this game. Every bullet fired requires a button press. I may sound like a major whiner, but at least I have the most muscly thumbs in town. Flex 'em!

I gave a young lady a new life...in a bathtub! Hooray! Make no mistake about it: this game wants to tear you up like a taco after a lengthy fast. Everything wants you murdered to a bloody pulp, and they make it known. You'll need some significant skill to shuffle your way through this game. The shmup stages can get a bit brutal, mostly because they throw a heck of a lot at you in a short amount of time. Wait, wait... this was developed... by ATLUS?! Whoaaaa, I understand now why I'm not the best Xexyzer. Their games have a tendency to chew me up for breakfast. Can't blame the controls, though: they're pretty solid, and I usually feel as though deaths are genuinely my fault. The graphics are rather detailed, though most of the areas are rather dark and dank. You're not going to want to vacation on Xexyz until the mechanic castles are all removed from their foundations and sent back to Spaceburg where they belong! The enemies, while not particularly imaginative, are a tad frightening (typically when they're in my line of sight and ready to turn me into a fig newton). Boss battles, however, are genuinely adrenaline-ridden as the black background provides a focus for the huge flying robotic beasts ahead that are by far the most creative aspect of this game. The audio, on the other hand, isn't all that memorable and will likely just serve as white noise while you blast your way through thick and thin. Xexyz does what other games Xexyzn't. It combines platforming and space-shooter action into one tight package and wraps it with a bow of high difficulty. Tip-top reflexes are a must. It may not be the fanciest game in the world — that "imformation" typo remains glaring throughout the game — and it will certainly fend off a few casual players, but for those looking for a challenge, it'll keep you coming back... until you finish it in a few hours' time and then get back to whatever people do in real life. Fishing and Yahtzee for all! What does Hudson Soft think about Xexyz? Swell.