I had an experience that still resonates and vibrates deep within me. If I can keep just a mere afterglow alive, I will be a changed man. You don’t return to who you were before after such a journey. And I feel the strong need to share it, although it exceeds the capacity of language by far. How to tell the story of the realm where time doesn’t exist and thoughts don’t matter? But I’ll try.

I grew my own mushrooms and waited for the right time to eat them. The weather was perfect and I travelled outside of town to a nature reserve. The landscape I found was the most beautiful spot I had seen in a long time. Hilly grassland with lovely groups of trees of various kinds. I knew the place was perfect but I wanted to connect even deeper and spent the night outside with a little fire. First thing in the morning I ingested the mushroom (3g well dried) ground in honey.

I set out to explore the area with a calm mind. The last time I connected with the mushroom was years ago and I was not sure what to expect. Shortly afterwards I notice how slowly I walk, my legs begin to feel much softer, and I already see more clearly. It’s as if a filter has been removed from my vision and I see everything enriched by dimensions of spiritedness. Trees are more alive and I hear the wind in their leaves. I move intuitively from one spot to another. Finding a tree with brightly colored leaves around it gives me such a feeling of refreshment. I enter into a lighter energy. So I lie down to rest. I melt into the ground and close my eyes. The effect is on. I’m surprised how quickly it all happens. I don’t try to explain the vision I see, but a tear runs down my face. I feel amazed and grateful for this energy that is constantly at work but so rarely perceived. It embraces and carries me with myriads of arms. All the time. I don’t call this a hallucination because I feel it’s always there. What I experience are tears of recognition which Stanislav Grof once described so perfectly. When I move on I totally enter the space where time doesn’t exist. Thought ceases and only wonder remains. To quote Terence McKenna, this state is „only dangerous if you fear death by astonishment“.

At times it’s almost too strong yet very subtle at the same time. It gradually intensifies while I move through the magic. The grassland moves in patterns, it’s breathing. It’s like there are vibes of energy flowing over the terrain. Objects in the foreground are in sharp focus, but in the distance the land orchestrates this magnificent performance for me. Rabbits and deer fly over the scenery from time to time.

I need to drink and I feel hot. The character of the ground I’m walking on makes it impossible to move quickly. There’s so much to experience. Once I make it to the tent I tear off my jacket and shirt as if I am suffocating. How could I stand it in clothes for so long? Finally I breath again. My hands search contact with the ground. I stretch and end up doing all kind of yoga moves in which you see the world upside down. I’m aware of my body and I’m endlessly grateful for that. The moves I’m doing come so naturally. I do what I feel necessary. I’m not following any routine I’ve learned. This moment is the essence of yoga. I am the movement of my body and nothing else. Every muscle contraction gives me pleasure, every stretch a flow of power. Above me the clear blue sky and a little cloudlet of mist. I see its structure and that the whole sky is interveined by it. A three-dimensional mesh of lines and hubs, gently rotating. Suddenly while seeing the world upside down from the most hilarious position, I realize that an elderly couple is watching me from a distance. This is the only moment of fear. But they see that this person must be mad and move on. That’s the only thing I feel incapable of dealing with… People who judge me for what I’m doing. I could try to explain it to them but not right now.

From this point on I leave all struggle behind and flow. I am in my body, deeply rooted in the wonderland around me. Maybe I’ve entered the state in which animals live all the time. In constant peace with a living world that is mine. I am part of it. Even the very air is replaced with a divine substance I can almost swim in. It doesn’t only fills my lungs, it fills my heart with every breath. With a smile on my face I move deeper. With every step discovering more wonder and revelation. Everything is magic in such a calm way, radiating eternity. It will never end so there is no hurry. I watch the shadow of a tree, an atmosphere of light. I can watch, my senses captured, without ever growing tired of it. Sometimes I kneel down, one hand to the ground, one arm pulled to the sky strengthened by a force. The same force that gives shape to the trees and the grass. I suddenly understand how every structure reaches towards the sun. Every blade of grass is a limb of this organism rising up to praise the light and to receive. I rest in this position and I’m like the trees around me, a light-conducting organism.

I move on connected with this energy flowing through every cell of my body. I move in slow-motion to feel it all, I don’t want to miss out on anything. It’s the moment of total awareness and it gives me joy I can’t describe.

I find a spot under some pine trees (my favorites) and I hear them. An orchestra of all the pine cones breaking open slowly, right at this moment. Why haven’t I ever heard that before? I look up and ask laughingly „What are you doing up there?“ I sit in pure bliss while being embraced by their sound, their smell and a light that gradually becomes more subdued. This all-encompassing belonging, this is as complete as one can feel. Thinking this I can only imagine one intensity even greater. Looking into the eyes of a girl I love. In this case, the world would stop spinning and burst into light.

I run to a group of birch. I sense that I will find something important there. And I realize that this kind of tree symbolizes a quality that has touched me before. One of the most fascinating memories from the Ayahuasca realms were those delicate vibrating branches not of this world. They stuck in my mind. Too fine to exist in the world of matter. But here they were all along. I tried to keep this memory alive and here was the revitalisation of this feeling.

By now I’m very agile and can move quickly. I climb a birch because I need to feel my muscles. I caress the bark. There’s dust on it. Maybe it was never touched by a hand and never will be again. From time to time I need to lick my fingers to taste what I’ve collected so far. All of this has something erotic about it. Every action is kind of love making. I look around and I realize that the trees are embracing each other in an endless kiss. The infinite act of making love with no beginning and no end.

I crawl down a hill keeping close to the earth. I arrive at the center of the arena, which is how the hills are situated. And I raise my arms to thank all participants of this play. I walk by the trees to salute them for their existence and for letting me be part of it. I laugh a lot. I know it’s about to end but there’s no sorrow in it. Because it will always be that way even if I return to a different state of consciousness. I will return with glory because I know.

Reading this, it feels so inanimate and cold. I can’t put the feeling into words. I can hardly believe that I experienced this feeling a few days ago. It’s like a dream and only a little pine cone tells me it really happened. I picked it up closed and it opened in my pocket on my way back into civilization. Telling me once again „I’m alive and ever changing“.

Wait, I brought back something else: An exceptionally joyful mood based on trust in life, the certainty that everything is good. Like when you wake from a very beautiful dream and you smile all day. But this time I brought back a pine cone!

The way I saw the world is impossible to reproduce with any picture or painting. The divine can only be experienced by oneself never brought to you by anyone’s account! But I have to try to motivate others to go for it. Take the leap and it will deliver. It’s your birthright as a human being. Standing in awe before creation like a child, what can be more important? All meaning is already inherent in life itself and it’s presumptuous to think we need to do anything to make it worth living. It’s the realization of what you truly are. It’s the human experience rather than a psychedelic one. Go there, come back and give me a good reason why we shouldn’t have this experience! I can’t think of any argument but I’m open for discussion.

Ben Roth