CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—As they prepare for Game 3 of the N.B.A. Finals, the Cleveland Cavaliers have replaced their official slogan, "All In," with a quotation by the French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre.

On Wednesday, workers at Quicken Loans Arena unfurled a huge wine-and-gold banner emblazoned with the new Cavaliers slogan, “All Human Activities Are Doomed to Failure.”

The Cavaliers’ choice of an abridged quote from Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" (1943) as their new slogan originated, as many of this season’s decisions reportedly have, with superstar LeBron James.

"Ever since the Finals began, I’ve found myself turning again and again to Sartre," James, who wore a beret as he spoke to reporters, said. “So I bought copies of Jean-Paul’s work for everyone on the team."

One of those Cavaliers was Kyrie Irving, who said that, while he knew he had to work harder on defense against Golden State, “it is certain that we cannot escape anguish, for we are anguish.”

Teammate Matthew Dellavedova said that Cleveland must try to recapture the success with three-pointers that propelled it earlier in the playoffs, but added, “Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.”

J. R. Smith, who has failed to make much of an impact in the Finals, admitted that he has been disappointed by his performance so far. “I exist, that is all, and I find it nauseating,” he said.