Hi everyone, my name is Matt, and it’s been fifty-seven minutes since my last meme. It’s just… it’s hard out there for an addict trying to go clean, and you try and you try, but… you can’t escape it. The latest episode of RWBY, positively drowning in Nyan Cat, was tough for a member of Memers Anonymous, hosted every week by Ray Narvaez Jr, but at least it gave us this relapse in the form of a recap. This week, we witness two relationships between girl and machine, Flynt Coal embarks on a guilt trip that could better be classified as a guilt year-long vacation, and P-Money accidentally creates Smirkgate2K16. Previous relapses are compiled in the Recap Masterpost for y'all to click, and to read today’s, hit the Keep Reading below. Stay strong, MA brothers and sisters. We’re in this together.

Here we go, welcome to the second third of the season. Eternal cheers to all those who read, laughed, liked, reblogged, shared, commented, absorbed via osmosis, snorted, sauteed with a side of mushrooms or took a magic carpet ride with last week’s recap. For an episode that was like seventy percent action, this one came out pretty easy-like, so strap in and we’ll get right to it.

We begin live on the scene at Amity Colosseum, as a local teenage delinquent-looking type with what appears to be a hairstyle inspired by a lizard is fleeing in apparent terror.

Now for the weather. It appears to be raining swords down there, and not the metaphorical kind.

Real talk, we all like to joke around about “raining cats and dogs” but in reality that would just be a mess. Sure, the last ones down would have their falls cushioned by all the corpses and stuff, but still. Is that any way to be.

Russel Thrush and Sky Lark, of Team CRDL, err, “fame”, are up against everyone’s favourite Medabot, Penny. Her partner, first glimpsed two weeks back, is there too, but her role in the fight seems to be more of the “sit back and watch Penny put on a clinic” type thing. Like a football coach, only sober!

Penny’s probably never actually eaten a meal, yet along the way she’s learnt how to play with her food; she’s got Russel Thrush Davies and Sky cowering behind those rocks, and no doubt had plans to sit there for an hour and occasionally call out, “Boo!” before her coach said otherwise. So it’s up into the air them boys go.

And oh how they go. Gandalf the Grey would be proud of how far those fools did fly.

They hit the deck, double knockout, and Penny thanks them for their EXP she grinded. Way to rub it in Penny, you adorabot.

The boys are left feebly stirring, bemoaning that CRDL was actually competent enough to make it to the doubles round, while in the stands Team RWBY watches Ruby abandon them mercilessly for her robot girlfriend.

I think I may have said that I’m such a sucker for the Ruby/Penny friendship before, but hey, worth repeating. It’s the greatest. And now they have attack hugs as greetings!

As Ruby’s shattered ribs start to mend together thanks to the power of Aura or Dust or anime gag science, Penny gives a proper introduction of her teammate to Ruby, and the audience.

Ciel Soleil, voiced by a member of RT’s animation crew Yssa Badiola, with Ciel meaning “blue/sky/sky blue” and Soleil meaning “sun”, is Penny’s equal parts partner and apparent keeper, as well as something of a hilarious foil for Penny. Whereas Penny is a robot who acts like a real girl, Ciel is a human who acts vaguely robotic. They fight crime! Ciel does little to endear herself to Ruby right away, thanks to calling the poor Rubaby’s status questionable. Rude, she’s clearly questionadorable.

Oh hey, what if it’s a double blind study? Penny is a robot who’s been told Ciel isn’t one, and Ciel is a robot that’s been told Penny isn’t one, with the object of the study being to figure out how long it takes for one of them to notice. It’s like if two Siris were having a conversation; neither one would think the other is a robot, because it’s not programmed to think such a thing is possible! Probably.

Again not endearing herself, Ciel tries to shepherd Penny away from her favourite meatbag.

Penny gets her minute alone, and explains to Ruby how her and Ciel’s Facebook status is “complicated”. Cue the joke of the goddamn year from Ruby and a sick burn on Weiss, Holy Hannah Abbott. Ruby you fiend.

Just so we’re clear, I’m all for equal distributions of screentime and what we’ve seen this year, it’s just that the potential to make fun of Blake being absent is too great to pass up. Gotta strike while the iron is hot, although a part of me is hoping that Balthazar’s lack of screentime continues, with no explanation, just so the fandom can create increasingly outlandish conspiracy theories as to why (maybe I can bring back the moon joke…) The whole lack of screentime thing almost reminds me of when an actress on a TV show gets pregnant and they hide her for a couple of weeks… Hey didn’t I make a gag about Blaine being pregnant in the first recap? Weird. Oh look, Penny’s talking about an incident with a magnet.

OH. LOOK. The show reminds us that Penny’s all metal. Gee I wonder if it’s foreshadowing something. And later we get a big plot moment with Pyrrha “Magneto’s Twin Sister” Nikos. GEE. I. WONDER.

After Penny finishes explaining her brief foray into a country music career with Beck, she and Ruby have a bit of a laugh, and Ciel counts down in the background -

- but then comes the real talk moment. Penny, in a shocking turn of events, wants to stay at Beacon forever.

Don’t blame her, really. As soon as the Vytal Festival ends, everyone’s going home. Team SSSN, Ironwood, maybe even Cinder’s evil plans… That’s prime screentime real estate for Penny to nab before Jaune calls shotgun. And she’s already signed a lease on a condo for her and Ruby, so why would she leave?

I think I speak for the viewers at home - as I often do because I am never, ever, wrong and how dare any of you ever think otherwise - when I say that Penny staying would be about the best thing we could ever get, but her trying to do so won’t come without a price. I’m also very intrigued by the fact that Penny apparently has a plan to help her stay. Like, is that a jokey “I’m going to just escape Ironwood and chill out” plan, or a “I’m going to murder Ciel and wear her skin” plan. Both solid options. Nothing’s set in stone, because the minute is up, and Ciel needs to take her robot away from the horrors of the real world, like rap music and violent video games. And memes!

For kicks, I went ahead and timed how long that minute was in the episode’s runtime. It was actually less than a minute. You’re welcome. Penny and Ruby wave their goodbyes to each other, and we all cross our fingers for another scene between the two soon!

Professor Port comes over the PA to announce that not only have his warts started clearing up, but it’s time for the next match, starring these two loveable misfits:

They also fight crime!

As the crimefighting duo banter about proper form and their Atlas opponents being srs buzniss, their first evildoer zooms on by with a bow of rain (wow that word makes no sense if you say it like that) trailing behind.

Turns out Yang and Weiss aren’t getting the strict militant fighters from Atlas. They’re getting the USO troupe.

Team FNKI’s Flynt (Coal?) Coal and Neon Katt are a sight to behold by virtue of their mere existence. I mean, we’ve had characters based on mythological and historical figures, fairy tale heroines, and ice cream, but now we’ve got two memes. Which I actually adore in a very cultural impact sort-of way. Memes are our generation’s mythological figures, worshipped by the masses and their teachings spread throughout the world at rates Zeus would be jealous of if he wasn’t so busy banging everything in sight, and to have them properly represented along Achilles and Thor… It brings a tear to the eye. Don’t get me wrong, I would rather the “modern” character we get was based on Harry Potter or, like, Buffy Summers, but Nyan Cat (as voiced The Know’s/more importantly Free Play’s Meg Turney) and Achievement Hunter creation Flynt Coal (voiced by online rapper Flynt Flossey) with a bit of a certain trumpet meme in him, are colourful and vivacious, like Mardi Gras both off and on crack, so no complaints.

Weiss and Yang look on in shock, no doubt internally speculating who the other members of Team FKNI are based on - or, gods forbid, if somewhere out there there’s a character inspired by Two Girls One Cup - until Flynt gets Weiss’s attention.

See, it turns out that the Coal (Flint?) family’s got a little history with the Schnees: his father’s Dust shop got eaten by the big evil megacorp. Bummer. Which, while it’s just to add a bit of character to an opponent and showcase more of Weiss’s eternal #thestruggle (much like her battle with the White Fang Lieutenant last year), does bring up one interesting implication: did Cinder know about this, and that’s why this match-up’s happening?

I mean, it’s not far-fetched to think the White Fang would keep tabs on everyone Schnee Corp has wronged in some way, since half their number are on top of the list. So maybe Cinder pit someone with a vendetta against the Schnees to stop Weiss and Yang from advancing. Or whatever. Then again, I’m sure the list of people who have vendettas against a member of the Schnee family far outweigh the ones that don’t, so just coulda been luck. Also coulda been luck they’re matched up against a small and agile fighter whose main weapon is annoying the living Xiao Longs out of Yang.

Wait a second. Small, agile, fighter who gives Yang all sorts of trouble. Neo?! Mother of Zeus. Neo. Neon. It’s right there. No, wait, we’ve had our fill of Neo conspiracy theories, so none of that. Clearly, Neon is just a noble gas that has taken human form and has left that nobility at the door in exchange for some sick burns.

Insulting Yang’s breasts - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern - does the trick; the stadium gets into pizza mode and Ruby prepares for the show up in the stands.

Time for the battle of the century. Duke Silver and Helium Vs Mommy Issues and Bunk Bed Issues. Place your bets.

Flynt starts off strong with a wicked note that pushes his opponents back, with Neon zooming through unharmed to rollerskate Yang all the way to Kalos, and finally leaving him and Weiss to settle some seconds-old scores.

Okay then. Speaking of scores, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the music throughout this fight. Jeff and Casey Lee Williams and friends regularly outdo themselves if only to keep us forever in fear of their talent one day toppling civilisation as we know it, but the jazzy tunes in the background are amazing. Like, I replayed this fight about twenty times just for the music alone. There’s some new stuff, followed by remixes of This Will Be The Day and I Burn, and damn, they’re killer. MVP, straight up. It starts really kicking in as Weiss’s glyphs help her fight through the noise tunnel Flynt’s producing, but she seems to be playing right into his hands and gets a This Is Sparta kick for her troubles. Ouch.

Across town to the ruined town area of the map, Yang gets rooty tooty shooty.

Neon ducks, weaves, dodges, ollies, manuals, grinds, kickflips and other words I picked up playing Tony Hawk games, to Yang’s growing annoyance.

Neon was a skater girl, but she doesn’t say “see you later girl” without striking at Yang a half-dozen times, and leaves again with that rainbow shining behind her with a vigorously non-heterosexual zeal (I mean c'mon she’s clearly negging Yang this entire fight).

And, gotta say, if you’re going to have your weapons powered by Dust, cracking them like glowsticks is a fun way to do it.

The Dust is the freeze-y kind, with one timed hit - never miss a beat, never miss a beat! - freezing Yang’s leg solid, and then her arm, and then goes in for the opposite effect by burning Yang’s soul with an amazebad pun.

Across town to the Great Burning Plains, Flynt and Weiss continue their dance with the devil under pale moonlight.

When it finally seems like Weiss has the upper hand, thanks to wind Dust and some multiple-striking hits of her own, Flynt decides to bring out the John Butler Trio to aid him.

Yep, much like Sun and Blake, Flynt can produce clones of himself, only his aren’t shadow-y or abs-y, but backup trumpeters.

Neat party trick, I bet. Especially in the bedroom.

Port ‘n Oobleck get to explaining that this is Flynt’s semblance, which, I mean, way to be lame. Let the crowd think Flynt’s got some other semblance, and this killer quartet is actually magic. That’ll throw 'em!

My favourite of 'em is the Green Flynt Ranger, personally. I really feel like they conveyed the tragedy of his character arc in those .002 seconds he was on screen really well.

Across town, Argon is still giving Yang the runaround, unable to stop pulling at Yang’s pigtails and just admit her feelings, to the point where Yang has reached Defcon 0. Ruh roh.

The thought occurs that since Yang’s eyes turn red when she’s angry, same as her mother’s are by default, her future spouse can use the classic complaining spouse line that she’s just like her mother when she’s mad and actually be sorta right…

After he essentially castrates Weiss by stepping on her sword, Flynt (Coal?!)’s sights turn to Yang, summoning his posse and unaware that Weiss still has one weapon up her sleeve: her character development.

See, Flynt is standing near a lava geyser about to erupt, and the only way to get him there, and to save Yang from certain jazzy defeat, is to spear-tackle him into it. The Weiss Schnee of Volume One wouldn’t have done it. The Weiss Schnee of Volume Two would’ve made a pros/cons chart first. The Weiss Schnee of today… Broke, her only loving family off being a spy, with yet another piece of evidence of her father’s insidious reach playing the trumpet in front of her… She prepares herself, let me be brave and all that, and she goes for it. The crowd goes wild, in-screen and out. Oh that sacrificial little shark midget. I’m so proud.

Oobleck, as a doctor, is able to pronounce Weiss as legally Aura-dead, and does so. Completely depleted, even. That’s like, I think, bad? I mean, they count Aura knockouts if you hit below fifteen percent, and if Weiss hit zero… Yeesh.

She’s like Hansel. So hot right now. They, and the crowd, think Flynt’s also out, but that boy’s made of both flint (coal?) and coal (flint coal?), and no lava geyser’s gonna get him down. Not when he and Krypton have a fight to win.

Unfortunately for them, Yang’s thing is kinda getting mad and then punching the things that made her mad. And lookin’ freakin’ cool while doing it.

The result? Neon gets thrown off her beat - never miss a - by way of Ember Celica gouging gigantic craters in the stadium, and the extra force, powered by her semblance, allows Yang to get in close to Flynt and his barbershop quartet, who are well underway one last rendition of Baby On Board.

Boom. There goes Flynt.

Meanwhile, Helium Neon Argon Krypton Xenon Radon’s rollerskates hit a rough patch, and, well. See ya later skater gurl.

Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Memes, much like crime, doesn’t pay. Sports teams not internet memes. If Neon had listened, pulled her life together at a pivotal moment, she wouldn’t’ve have gotten obliterated by Yang in three, two, one…

Double knockout by the girl with the double knockouts (that was bad and I feel bad, don’t worry). As the counters up her K/D ratio, Yang makes a line of bees to Weiss, who’s looking like a Victorian-era chimney sweep (or someone who went through the Blood Gulch teleporter) and coughing like she has the black lung.

It’s all very dramatic. Weiss has now gotten cradled by all three of her teammates. Poor little sharkie shark.

Weiss has the good grace to crack a joke about not singing anymore - boy would be nice if we got to see more of that HINT HINT - just as Neon has the good grace to actually start complimenting Yang for a change.



Same goes to Flynt, who has to admit that, in the end, maybe all Schnees aren’t all bad.

Except Winifred. Winifred Schnee is just the worst. Just consider yourselves lucky we won’t be seeing her until Volume 20.

Oh, and Ruby and Blake run in for a nice group hug, so d'awww. Nice way to cap off the scene, and what I imagine is this first little Weiss arc. 'Cause there’s other serious stuff going on! Across town, in the Evil League Of Evil HQ…

Cinder has finally found the keys to the kingdoms: Penny. Blueprints, schematics, documents, information, list of first targets for the robotic uprising, the works. Like two steps away from controlling the rowbit, I’m sure. Really, the most surprising thing in this scene is that Penny’s name is actually an acronym. P.E.N.N.Y.

Hmm… I don’t think anyone’s really cracked this one yet. For now I’m going to stick with Precious Endearing Nanobot Nerd, Yo. Alternatively, it’s just the SHIELD explanation where it’s just that someone really wanted the name to spell out Penny. A coin enthusiast, perhaps… But hey, this is the same company that made F.I.L.S.S. a thing, so I’m sure they’ve got something for P.E.N.N.Y. Something diabolical! Penny Eats Nuclear Noodles Yum? Pyrrha’s Emus Never Normalise Yiffing? Words are hard.

With Cinder busy writing a tragic season finale event, it’s time for one last little scene. Across town, in Ozpin’s office…

Qrow, this time drinking his alcohol from a mug much like Ozpin does, has come to bitch about Ironwood. Must be Tuesday.

Shoutout to Qrow’s Tin Man shoutout, by and by. When are we just going to abandon all pretences of a real plot and just transport everyone to the Wizard of Oz retelling with gun-guns we deserve? One day. One. Day.

Not today, because there’s more important things. Guardian things.

Curiously, Ozpin hasn’t chosen a Guardian, for they choose themselves. He specifically says “maidens” too, which is interesting. Sorry Port fans, we all know he’s more of a damsel than a maiden.

The one Ozpin has chosen to later choose herself seems to be the perfect girl, and has been since day one. I know there were probably a few expecting Ruby to show up or something, but nope. It turns out the true Guardian was there in front of our eyes all along…

Pyrrrrrrrrha. What a fun little fun reveal. Maybe it’s mostly because we haven’t seen her for a few episodes, so to go from zero to “Pyrrha’s about to get massively plot important” in two seconds is the best kind of whiplash (next to the JK Simmons film and the guy from Iron Man 2 that wasn’t Sam Rockwell’s gorgeous face). And, let’s be real, she would make a hell of a Guardian. Invincible in battle, tackles special projects like Jaune with fervour, and has worldwide popularity (if that helps!). Unfortunately for Remnant and for us, she probably won’t get to go full Guardian, and whatever that entails. Waaaaaaay too much against her. Let’s run down the list!

First off, and the only actual serious one on this list, she’s not the title character. While we can dig the idea of Pyrrha being the “hero” and Ruby still being the main character, nominating P-Money for it this early, and probably giving her an episode or two to mull it over, just screams of red herring with red hair(-ing). I won’t bother with the “Pyrrha is doomed in some way” theories again, 'cause that’s so Volume Two Recaps of me, but yeah, something Cinder-shaped is going to stop her from making it too far, allowing Ruby or whoever to start a path towards the development leading her to the post.

Secondly, and this is the first joking reason, didn’t Ozpin say “maidens”? What if he means, like, in a medieval way? The first time we heard about Guardians our minds all went to Summer, and we know she wasn’t no maiden thanks to Taiyang. And what happened to her? Died. For the good of the world, Pyrrha’s not allowed to give in to her desire for Jaune. Imagine that, for a moment. Jaune having sex with someone ends the world. Just. Imagine.

Thirdly, according to nearly bloody everybody this week, Pyrrha is actually not Pyrrha in this scene. She’s Neo. I’ve already posted something this week poking fun at this idea of Neo being everywhere and everyone, but for now we have to examine one simple fact: the people who think it’s Neo are basing it off the smirk on Pyrrha’s face. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve also got other evidence like that being the reason she’s on Cinder’s list (possible Guardian candidate to replace with Neo), and that her being Neo for a while now is a reason why she didn’t know about Jaune’s Arkos plan back in their fight… but still. The smirk? That’s not an out-of-character “zomg she’s evil” thing, not at all. That’s a Pyrrha Nikos special. We all know that one:

There’s also this entire amazing post done by @the-sun-princess of all Pyrrha’s smirks over the years, which says it more than I could. Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention that Pyrrha being a natural smirker has been taken into consideration by the Neo theory folk, with the explanation being that she’s Neo here because she’s smirking on the way to, presumably, being told she’s going to be the Guardian. Since Neo!Pyrrha knows why she’s being called up, she’s smirking in the elevator 'cause the evil plan is working. Nah, I’m going to call it just dramatic end of episode license. Pyrrha’s just in a good mood!

So here we are. Deep in the mire of Smirkgate 2K16. I know what we’re all thinking: that if the Watergate Hotel wasn’t called Watergate the world would be using a different suffix rather than -Gate all the freaking time. Which would also be a bit weird, though, if it was, like, the Waterdoor hotel and we had… Smirkdoor. Gamerdoor. Nippledoor. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, huh? Hmm.

So, in the end? I’m cool sticking to Pyrrha just being a smirky little thing because she can and screw anyone who hates that she is, and that we’re all so desperate for Neo screentime it’s driving us into dangerous Benjen = Daario territory. Or maybe we’re all just looking for the next “Blake is a Faunus” and “Penny is a robot” theory. Those ones never jumped out to me as wrong, while this one is just… Nah? I might feel like that 'cause I’d prefer we get Pyrrha have her own little arc as she considers taking the job and then later paying the consequences for it, 'cause that’s more painful! It’s still a valid theory, Neo!Pyrrha, but Jaune/Weiss becoming the OTP is a valid theory too, and I believe there’s an old idiom about zebras and horses that might just apply here…

And to sum up:

What a way to end an episode, huh. Who knew something involving Pyrrha that didn’t also involve Jaune could lead to so much controversy? Strange times.

So what’s up for next episode? Well, there’s a little preview out that shows that things are definitely moving on forward real-fast. Weird to think that we’re nearly halfway through the season, I’ll say that much. I’m curious as all get-out to see how the pieces of the puzzle - Blake Vs Adam, Yang’s search for Raven, Penny’s plan, P-Money’s new job, Torchwick finally showing up please - come together. I think we’re heading into what’s going to be considered a pretty fantastic arc if it’s pulled off just right and heading into a hell of a finale. Before I go I gotta also mention this one cool theory I saw from @the-meta and @daftprodigy, about the future Guardian in fact being all four of Team RWBY. Would certainly fit the “title character” thing!

And with that, I’m calling this session of Memers Anonymous to a close. We laughed, we cried, we missed Blake. We’ll met again next week, and this time I promise there’ll be donuts. No jam-filled donuts either, because we’re addicts and not heathens. If you want to confess your own meme sins in silence or by words, be sure to like, reblog, comment, and so on. Share the love, and more love will come your way.

Thanks for reading!

Also, song for this week? Play That Funky Music. Hells yeah.