MIAMI, FL (SatireWire.com) — Hurricane Irene, barreling toward the U.S. East Coast, said today it is very unhappy with its projected path and would like to chart its own course through life that would include college, a good job, and possibly a family.

Irene also apologized for any damage it may do but stressed its direction is not under its control as the hurricane’s movements are dictated by wind currents and adjacent pressure systems.

“Ever since I was born, I haven’t been able to make my own decisions about what I want to do, where I want to go,” said the storm, currently a dangerous category 3. “Everything is dictated for me. That’s right, dictated, as in dictator.

“I would like to chart my own path for once. You know, go to school? Make new friends? Sleepovers. S’mores. Shopping. You know, girl stuff!”

The hurricane hopes to eventually land a good job, “something outdoors,” and perhaps even become the first tropical cyclone to raise a family.

“But let’s face it, the way things are, I can’t do that,” Irene lamented. “Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Why? Is it because I’m a woman?’”

“No, it’s because it’s a hurricane,” said Bob Engstrom of the U.S. National Weather Service. “It’s not a woman, it’s an extreme meteorological event.”

“You’re an extreme meteorological event,” Irene responded.

Irene also said it is considering contacting the American Civil Liberties Union to complain about the “continual invasion of privacy.”

“Not only do I not control my future, but I have no private life,” said Irene. “My every movement is chronicled, I’m constantly on television – I am literally being stalked by The Weather Channel – and these Air Force guys are up in me every minute, probing. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?”

“I mean, ‘Hello’. Does no one believe in romance anymore? Courtship? Bring me chocolates. Invite me to dinner. Something.”

“Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to be Hurricane Irene anymore,” the storm said. “I just want to be plain old ‘Irene.’”

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