Depression

Writing has always helped me cope with problems better, so that's why I'm going to write this, it helps me, it heals me. With that, let's proceed.



I've been dealing with extreme depression for most of my life.



I had a really rough life growing up. My parents broke up when I was young, and ever since then life changed for the worse. My mom was a very hard working woman, who would do anything for her kids. But even then, she couldn't do everything. I've had to deal with being homeless, poor and been absent from education at some points in life. When returning back to the 'system', teachers hated me. I've always been a very interactive person, and I ask questions. They didn't like that, and they made me take pills that messed me up for years while growing up. I started eating, and started to distance myself from people, not just friends, but everyone. I gained weight, I stopped doing the things I enjoyed or being with the people I like. This went on for years, and years. Before I noticed, I was depressed. But I just didn't know what it was or how to talk to people. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't want my mom to be bothered with this. She was already working so hard for anything we got at home, I didn't want to pile up another problem on her. I felt embarrassed, and ashamed of being so useless in general. I wasn't smart, I wasn't making anything for the house and I was fat. I remember apologizing to my mom in so many occasions for just... being there. This went on for a while.



I never had energy to do anything. I went from somebody who loved to go hang out with friends, play outside, strike up conversations with just anybody, to somebody who would himself in a room staring at the ceiling, doing absolutely nothing for himself.



Everytime I wanted to do something, it was like this... lack of energy from somewhere would stop me.



This... lack of emotion, this lack of excitement, this lack of everything just stopped me from doing just about everything for so long.



My biggest friends back in the day are the ones who always came to visit me, since I'd never go out, at all.



Things took a change when Smash came around. I started to enjoy something. I enjoyed playing, improving and theory crafting. It sparked my life tremendously, and it helped me connect with people, activities and got me to travel around the world.



Smash, in a lot of ways, saved my life.



My goal was never to be popular or make money. It never was. I just really did something I enjoyed and kept on doing it... for a while, despite what everybody else said. It was basically like that.



As a person I'm very mood based. My mood changes in a second, it can either be really good or really bad. Sometimes I get really, really depressed. Even nowadays. Almost anything can do it. But it's there. I'd love to say I'm working on it and making steps, but it's been there for so long that I don't know what to do about it. I tell myself I shouldn't be like that, that I need to grow up and be normal, that it's not cool if those who supported me would find out... but at the end of the day, I'm tired of being so quiet about everything related to me, and well, here it is, this is me, Gonzalo.



Thanks for reading.







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