‘YOU’RE TAKING THE FUN OUT OF EVERYTHING’

Thanks to some prescient scheduling by Fifa, the World Cup is on a break on Friday, allowing fun-lovers across the planet to pause for solemn reflection after the worst day of the tournament. In every country where football is played, and also in Canada, people are coming together in earnest huddles to brainstorm ways of ensuring that no one ever again has to witness the sort of travesty inflicted by the Japanese bureaucrats sent out against Poland or the kickabout between Belgium’s reserves and a gaggle of English backpackers.

Japan’s behaviour is a particular pickle. Nicknamed “Samurai Blue” after warriors who are presumably renowned for hiding up a tree when the going gets tough, Japan refused to compete against Poland as soon as they realised that Colombia might beat Senegal in a match taking place in another city. It was a craven abdication of responsibility for their own fate but Japan lucked out because Senegal failed to score, allowing the unconscientious objectors to advance to the last 16 on the grounds that their unsporting behaviour made sure they dodged yellow cards. Those are the rules and who doesn’t tune into the World Cup to watch the careful exploitation of loopholes?

“I’m not too happy about this but I forced my players to do what I said,” admitted Japan manager Akira Nishino, taking responsibility at last. “We did not go for victory but we just relied on the other match. I view that as slightly regrettable but I suppose at that point I didn’t have any other plans. The World Cup is such that these things happen. And we went through. Therefore it was perhaps the right decision.”

At this point it is worth remembering that Japan sacked a manager, Vahid Halilhodzic, a few months ago for draining joy from football, the former boss reportedly even going as far as to order his players not to be caught smiling after defeats. Nishino is evidently of a different stripe, showing no inclination, unlike most onlookers, to give his players a clip ‘round the lugs as they did a lap of honour following yesterday’s loss. What a sorry sight those players were as they smiled and waved when, for the sake of consistency and compensatory larks, they should have been celebrating in the manner of Diego Maradona.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The media also need to take a look at themselves and realise what a great player he is. Look how many times he has been named best goalkeeper in the Premier League. He works like a bloody animal and the confidence we have in him is gigantic” – Thiago Alcántara tells Spanish hacks to simmer down after criticism of David de Gea’s Spain performances but, crucially, doesn’t mention what kind of animal the goalkeeper has been working like.

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.

RECOMMENDED LOOKING

David Squires does it again.

Here you go(at)! Illustration: David Squires

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FIVEЯ LETTERS

“Thursday’s game doesn’t tell us whether Belgium are any good (they’re not) and it also doesn’t tell us whether England are any good (they’re not either). But, by Entitlement’s Razor, whereby England lose to every good team they come up against in World Cups, it does mean we’ve just played our reserve team to pass up a chance to beat a poor Japan that only qualified on yellow cards just so we can lose to Colombia on Tuesday” – Noble Francis.

“It’s been a topsy-turvy fortnight at the World Cup. The trouble is, a lot of kids here in USA! USA!! USA!!! don’t seem all that bothered. They’re too absorbed in the other Fortnite” – Peter Oh.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Noble Francis.



BITS AND BOBS

A tin hat-wearing Fifa suit has defended the policy of using Fair Play yellow and red cards to rank teams when they are level on points, goals and head-to-head records. “We want to avoid the drawing of lots as we believe teams should go forward based on what happens on the pitch,” blathered Colin Smith. “This is the first time we’ve used it at a World Cup, so obviously we’ll review it but as things stand we don’t see any need to change it.”

Michy Batshuayi has made peace with the post which so dramatically gained its revenge by rebounding the ball he volleyed at it back into the Belgium striker’s face. The Belgian tweeted afterwards: “Ahahha I knew I would be [eff]ed the minute I come to my mentions – why am I so stupid bro sh!t hurts.”



Oof! Photograph: ITV Sport

Two USA! USA!! USA!!!-based TV hosts have been suspended for making ‘slant-eyed’ gestures after South Korea’s victory over Germany.

Tunisia boss Nabil Maaloul reckons Arabic countries perhaps need to do more star-jumps or shuttle-runs if they are ever to have World Cup success. “I don’t think we have high-quality performance,” he sniffed. “We need to change our lifestyle because it is not in line with high-level football, we need to change the way we train.”

Carlos Sánchez, who received death threats off some right ones after being sent off in Colombia’s opening-game defeat by Japan, has responded to his critics. “To all those who threatened me, I’d like to tell them this: enjoy our qualification; this is football, it’s just a sport,” he soothed.

Non-World Cup dept I: Chelsea are in talks to sign Aleksandr Golovin from CSKA Moscow in a £27m deal

And non-World Cup dept II: Southampton have signed forward Mohamed Elyounoussi (future Big Website subs, please check) from Basel/Basle/Barrrhl! on a five-year deal.

STILL WANT MORE?

“I love football because it’s the opposite of science: contradictory, primitive, emotional.” In his latest World Cup column Jorge Valdano says he’s fine with stats but he wants context.

Forget the route to the final path-plotting, England’s loss to Belgium felt like a letdown, a dropping of the throttle that had prompted such good vibes, sighs Barney Ronay.



A day without football: what are you going to do? Once you’ve finished reading The Fiver, obvs. Jacob Whitehead has some suggestions, and they don’t necessarily involve leaving the house.

We’re guessing Weird Uncle Fiver won’t be playing computer games. Photograph: EA Sports

Mexican bunny-hopping legend Cuauhtémoc Blanco is now deeply embroiled in the country’s murky politics. David Lendelman explains.

Ethics World Cup Flops XI!

Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Name the missing players in these World Cup teams. Go on then!

Germany’s exit has eased Brazilian fans’ recurring nightmare, writes Thiago Rabelo.



Talking of which, Uli Hesse has some forthright views on where Germany and Jogi Löw go from here, and what should – and shouldn’t – be done.

Wazza goes to Washington as a true England great, trills Andy Hunter.

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