Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Theres something very wrong with Cam Newton. Look at this picture of him from over the weekend:

As a custodian of the game, Its my duty to try and step in and help a man whose obviously very very confused about how to conduct himself and represent a franchise. So I’m helping the best way I know how- by writing a letter to the editor of the Charlotte Observer. The LTE section of the Observer has become a recurring advice column with a target demographic of one- Newton himself. Letters to the editor are great because its a message board that you cant get banned from reading no matter how many people you threaten. Also the fact that theres no private message feature on a letters to the editor column means you cant get catfished or entrapped into sending your bosses wife nudes. Anyways heres my take that will hopefully soon be printed in the observer:

While Cam’Run was partying it up in Cali going AWOLNation, Derek Anderson kept a low profile. OTAs stands for organized team activities, not Opium, THC, and Amphetamines. Now again I’m not necessarily accusing Cam Newton of taking drugs but I would honestly be way more worried about him if he wasnt using drugs and dressing up like this. The notion that this could be a decision that he is making without being inebrated dosen’t exactly give me confidence on his decision-making in the fourth quarter of a divisional game.

Among other bad things that can happen at music festvals- one can sustain hearing damage and then how would he be able to listen to referees explain how come that blow to the head was technicaly not a foul? Also a cursory glance through the coachella line-up shows numerous bands and rap crews that glorify violence and prescription drug abuse which is completeley unacceptable for the NFLs image. The league cant associate itself with a band like Future, theres no place in the NFL for “Percocet Molly Percocet”, besides the training room folks.

To each there own I guess, so while Newtons in the desert doing the nae-nae and wearing his moo-moo, I’d rather have a QB that can hit the broad side of a barn.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Bill Belichick

Coach Bill Belichick was a no-show in court last week as he just ignored a subpeona to testfy in the double murder trial of former Patriots Tight End Aaron Hernandez. Just a week later, he was found not guilty on all accounts and we’re suppose to just ignore this? What was Belichick hiding? Did he have the missing evidence that would of sent Hernandez to prison and if so why did he withold it from the jury? The answer is simple- Belichick didnt want Aaron Hernandez to murder him too. We all know how Belichick likes to take away his opponets biggest strength, so why would he ever tempt Hernandez to use his- murdering people? Just outstanding situatonal awareness.

At least Hernandez is in jail for the rest of his life but you cant take that chance if your Belichick. Not showing up for court might hurt you in the short-term but you live to fight another day- its essentally taking a intentional safety for yourself.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. My ebook is coming out this week finally folks. Sorry it took so long but frankly I’m not a speed merchant- so what this book lacks in explosivenesss it makes up for in fundamentals. Its a breezy 40-some pages of high flying bone crunching NFL action starring Skip Bayless, Steven A Smith, JJ Watt, Jim Tomsula, Donald Trump, OJ Simpson, Jay Cutler, Ray Lewis, Aaron Hernandez, and many many more. It has it all folks, politics, murder, justice, football, gambling, John Gruden, sex, and Tomsula’s cats. Stay tune!

2. Dean Blandino overturned his employment status with the NFL right in Roger Goodells face on Friday. I know hes not technicaly a employee anymore but Goodell should still retain some power to supsend him for his treasonous act. Blandino was suppose to work as the centralized replay administrator and rules official next season but instead has left the league high and dry. Hes literaly abondoning his post in the command center which has shades of benghazi writte all over it. Now the question becomes whose going to replace Blandino- and we can all agree that it should 100% be Mike Carey

3. Dan Rooney, famous for creating the reverse-reverse-reverse racist Rooney Rule, passed away on Thursday. Rooney was also Barack Obamas ambassador to Ireland which is a pretty demnding job that consisted largely of artificially driving up demand in potatos by tricking a entire city to put french fries on sandwiches. Basically Rooney will be remembered for being to lazy to fire coaches when they deserve it unlike better owners like Dan Snyder and Jed York who understand something about accountabilty.

4. Eli Manning plays in New Jersey which is ironic considering the length’s he goes to to make his equipment seem old. He is involved in a lawsuit against the giants by a adult autogrph dealer which is maybe the second coolest job in the world behind only anime magazine cleaner. Manning allegedly was instructing the Giants equipment manager to get his hands on helmets that could pass as game worn so he could fetch a higher price. And now it turns out that adults who are spending tens of thousands of dollars on football equipment may of just been a big waste of money?

5.

Counterpoint: I still think its ok to date attractive women.

6. This truley made me think

Perhaps the most impressive part about Jesus start-up is that he did it with limited angel investing. We’ve been apprpriating the term evangelist for years now but this is back when it actually meant something. Think of salvation as being a app for your soul and when Jesus got uploaded to the cross he scrubbed your bodys hard drive. Ive long said that Jesus was akin to some sort of browser exstention. Almost like when you accept Jesus your basicaly living life in incognito browsing mode and everyone will forget all the bad stuff you do.

7. The NHL playoffs are underway and folks let me just tell you if you dont like them you can go move to Canada. The best thing about hockey playoffs is that the players wi literaly do anything to stay on the ice- number one because ice counteracts inflammation so you actually get healthier the more you play. Thats why Brett Farve never missed a game because he played in cold weather all the time. We will eventually reach a point where dead bodies are just sliding around out on the ice. You cant convince me that Bobby Hulls corpse coudnt get at least a few assists out there even today.You cant tell me that yokozunas dead body in a goalie outfit coudnt have a .995 save percentage either. These are just facts

8. A girl got a college football scholarship but Im not aloud to use their showers at the gym? I’m truly happy for her but I cant help wonder if maybe having a vagina is a performance enhancing drug because your balls dont get in the way when you kick. Balls are the boobs of the crotch and theres a reason why men can hit a baseball farther then women usually its because we dont have chest testicles getting in the way of our swing. Have to think the same holds true for downstairs. Also when it comes to general elisiveness I would expect that women are generally more experienced than men when it comes to avoiding guys that they dont want to hang out with. You just hand her the ball and tell her everyone on the opposing team is sketch and she will basicaly disappear right there on the field.

9. It is anonymous scout season in the NFL. Anonymous scouts are some of my favorite people because there so humble. They dont need to recognition for starting unfounded rumors and trashing kids because there smile looks like its too confidant to be real, they just do it because its fun. Kind of interesting how people go out of their way to trash anonymous scouts but also praise the unknown soldiers, its hypocrisy at its finest.

10. So far the belle of the ball for these staffers is Patrick Mahomes who has gotten significatnly better at football since he stopped playing football this year thats how you know you’ve got a Tom Savage type wonderkid who saved his meteoric rise for after all the games were over. I dont trust a guy that has spent 3 years living in a town that Mike Leach use to fart in. Mike Leachs remnents are like lead paint for a QBs development I dont care that he didnt coach Mahomes, the fact that he has even a tangental relationship is enough to drop him off my big board entirely

What’s Shakin’ in Sports Biz?

Its tax day today or as Pete Rose calls it, “huh?” As we look around the sports landscape its important to understand that owners dont get a tax break on the loans that they receve coming out of taxpayers coffers. Its also oppressive that owners arent allowed to do things like write RG3s cartilidge off as a depreciating asset. The vast majority of NFL owners will pay more in taxes this year then any player will lose in a injury settlement. If it wasnt for the owners being so generous the players wouldnt even be able to afford all the taxes they owe off there major salaries. So technically owners are repsonsible for keeping all the players out of prison every year in addition to footing there own tax bills. For all the complaints players have about no guarenteed contracts, its important to remember that death and taxes are the only true guarenteed contracts in this world and its no coincdence that tax and spend democrat Mr. Rooney, in true do as I say not as i do fashion passed away right before April 15th.