Pants

Me: Ok, all of my pants have holes in them or weird zippers. Time to buy new pants.

Cookie Monster: Me no like pants. No wear them.

Me: I have to wear pants or society will shun me-

Cookie Monster: No pants, no pants! No pants dance.

Me: -And ever since I shunned the “Mother Voice” in my head, I do not feel guilty buying basic necessities for myself. I am free! Free to buy pants!

Cookie Monster: We have pants. Penguin pants. Snowflake pants. Other penguin pants-

Me: Those are not pants. They’re “squishies” - you know, around the house pants or pajama pants?

Cookie Monster: Wear squishies all the time.

Me: We’ve discussed this. It’s hard enough to get respect in my field as a female business owner at my age, so I have to wear pants sometimes. Also, I’m afraid that my husband will leave me.

Cookie Monster: Me pretty sure husband no mind no pants.

Me: Well, then…I need to wear pants to avoid pregnancy. Stop arguing with me, just go to VictoriaSecret.com and order the damned pants already.

Cookie Monster: Searching…searching…Where pants?

Me: There must me a mistake. Why are there only leggings in the Victoria Secret clothing section? Am I missing a fashion thing? Are leggings pants now?

Cookie Monster: No. Not for you.

Me: Hey!

Cookie Monster: Me being honest. Leggings not pants for people with problems in the roundular area.

Me: “Roundular” is not a word.

Cookie Monster: Because you not wear leggings as pants. They invent the word “rondular” moment you walk outside wearing leggings as pants.

Me: Oh, but squishies are ok to wear in public?

Cookie Monster: Squishies mask many problems. Also: Are squishy. Win-win situation.

Me: Let’s continue with the problem at hand. Where are the pants I normally order? Type in “London Jeans”.

Cookie Monster: NO RESULTS! PANIC! PANIC!

Me: NO! Did Victoria Secret discontinue them? The only pants that fit me in this world are London Jean Size 12 Long, Christie Fit! I have been wearing that style of pants for over a decade, since Express discontinued their “Long” lengths.

Cookie Monster: Me find Jezebel article from April 2014. Victoria Secret not selling clothes anymore!

Me: Well, that’s not illogical; they are after all a lingerie store. But damn my stupid guilt brain! I deprived myself of pants for so long that now I can’t get any damned pants!

Cookie Monster: Wait…E-bay….

Me: OMG people are selling them-

Cookie Monster: BUY ALL PANTS! QUICKLY! Before fellow roundular people notice worldwide pants shortage and street value skyrocket!

Me: Should I? What if I change sizes?

Cookie Monster: Pants. It wise investment. We never change size again.

Me: That means we have to lay off the cookies.

Cookie Monster: OR, we have to eat exact same number of cookies we do to stay in exact pants shape.

Me: OK.