SOUTH BEND, IN—Insisting that he was only selling false hope and dividing the Democratic party, Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the 2020 race this week after slamming his own plan to be president as a naive and unrealistic pipe dream. “To run for president and sell these unworkable ideas of unity when I have no plans for actually achieving them is unfair to the American people,” said Buttigieg, who attacked his campaign as inflexible and alienating to anyone who did not agree with his narrow worldview of what the Democratic party should be. “For me to step on stage and sell myself as president of the United States is just absurd. This election is too important for Americans to take a risk on this fantasy of a small city mayor who could magically transform politics. The disingenuous, ego-driven promises, soaring rhetoric, and lack of results are why people have grown sick of Washington, and why I should drop out of the presidential race.” At press time, Buttigieg had declined to endorse another candidate, noting that suggesting Democrats had any chance of winning in November would just be another empty promise.

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