If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will have a file in it. Guess you got mom’s cake by mistake.

Aries: You’ll sneeze at a bad moment and ruin a haircut.

Taurus: Your Dr. Who marathon lasts six weeks and you still don’t see every episode.

Gemini: The stars say, check your pockets. They’re full of candy. Your welcome.

Lemini: You picked a bad time to vacation in Turkey.

Cancer: You will watch a porno version of “A Game of Thrones” called “A Game of Boners”.

Leo: This week, you’ll punch a mollusk. It will be perfectly legal.

Virgo: The cops that roughs you up will be singing the theme to Adventure Time.

Libra: You will fart and successfully blame it on a six year-old.

Scorpio: Your sexual encounter with a cosplayer will leave your face and genitals covered in blue body makeup and glitter.

Sagittarius: You’ll wake up with several ninja stars in the wall next to you bed. Next time, shut your window.

Capricorn: Ace Ventura’s ghost will appear to you and explain he’s not dead and is a fictional character from a movie.

Aquarius: You will discover that shotgunning a beer at a red light is still considered drinking and driving.

Pisces: You’ll spend a lovely day at table 2360 at Wizard World Philadelphia until 3:30pm, making lots and lots of money. Or you’ll just sit around getting high.