YONKERS, NY—Two years into his employment at the fast food eatery, Subway employee Gabe Winthrop reported Thursday that he is still shaken by the earsplitting shrieks made by the sandwiches every time he slices them in two. “I’m pretty much a veteran around here at this point, but I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing somebody’s lunch emit a piercing screech the second you begin to cut into it,” Winthrop said of the hundreds of agonized, high-pitched whines he hears daily from the sandwich chain’s products. “What’s worse, each one makes a different horrible sound when you’re cutting, from the Black Forest Ham’s bloodcurdling sob to the Spicy Italian’s mournful whimper. Honestly, I can’t get them wrapped up and bagged fast enough.” Asked for particulars of last summer’s “Avocado Season” promotion, Winthrop lit a cigarette and stated that some stories should remain in the past.

Advertisement