Dear Airbnb Renters,

Thanks for choosing to stay at my place this weekend! I hope you have a lovely time here. Below are some guidelines for your visit—if you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask! Please make yourselves at home and have sex.

Just to be clear: I know that having sexual intercourse with your partner in a stranger’s home is an essential part of a romantic getaway in the sharing economy, and I want you to have a special weekend together in my house. I hope that by being upfront about that reality, I can make you feel as comfortable as possible about ravishing each other in my bed while I stay at my friend’s place a few blocks away.

Kitchen

If you’d like to enjoy a night in, the kitchen is fully equipped—feel free to cook up a storm! The pots and pans are in the cupboard above the sink. After you eat, please give each of the dishes a little rinse before putting them in the dishwasher. After that, go ahead and have passionate sex upstairs! If you wind up having sex on the kitchen counter, just make sure to scrub it down when you’re done, because sometimes I slice bread on there without a cutting board :)

Bathroom

Shower gel, soap, and shampoo are all provided for you! If you need an extra towel or two, there are some under the sink. Of course, you should have sex in the shower or against the basin if the mood strikes you—spontaneous sex in unusual places can really invigorate a relationship. I want my bathroom to be a place where you and your partner make lasting sexual memories, as well as a place where I brush my teeth.

Back Yard

If you’re here in the summer, the garden should be in full bloom, with flowers galore! If you’re visiting during the winter, it’s likely covered in snow, which makes it not ideal for having sex. But, even if it’s nice out, I kindly ask that you don’t have sex in the back yard—I used to encourage it but received too many complaints from neighbors. Still, there are a bunch of things you can do in the back yard that aren’t sex, like playing croquet, sunbathing, and over-the-pants hand jobs.

Living Room

There’s a Blu-ray player in here that I don’t really use. You can have sex on it if you want, but it’s quite a small surface.

Guests

Guests are welcome to come over, but, if anyone not named in the original reservation spends the night, you will incur an additional charge. Also, it’s a good idea to discuss boundaries before you have sex with multiple people in my home, and to make sure that you’re doing it in the context of a healthy relationship. I’m not at all judgmental about group sex; I just hear stories about relationships suffering because people didn’t talk these kinds of things through. Also, I’m not sure my IKEA bed frame can support more than two people having sex.

Attractions in Town

There are some great restaurants nearby. I’d recommend a light meal if you’re planning to come back to my place afterward to fuck—there’s a nice Japanese spot just down the road that does great sushi. Another option is to fuck in my house before you go out, which I think is smart. (I’d like to note that I don’t normally use the word “fuck” to refer to sex, but I realized that I’ve been saying “have sex” a lot, and wanted to mix it up.)

There are also some great museums in town. They’re hard to have sex in but contain some nice paintings of people having sex.

Sex Dungeon

PLEASE DO NOT HAVE SEX IN HERE. This is where I have sex. And, while I want my Airbnb guests to enjoy my home and have great sex in it, I also want to maintain a private space, just for me. And whomever I’m having sex with.

Bedroom

The bedroom is up the stairs, to the left—you can’t miss it! Please strip the bed and put the sheets in the laundry before you leave.