Secret Santa, I have a confession.

If you have a lover, a wife, a husband, a soft doll, please put them out of your mind for a minute because -

1) TOILET PAPER TOILET PAPER TOILET PAPER I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have Crohn's, and this much toilet paper is going to last me at LEAST a week. Fuck yeah. And it doubles as a blanket + pillow for when I'm sleeping in the bathroom. You can't see, but that blanket really is like, a blanket of toilet paper - 10 more rolls. Double down fuck yeah!

2) And a $100 amazon gift card!!!! I have an incredible amount of books, AND NOW I CAN BUY MORE MWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA. If society collapses tonight, I am SO prepared.

Seriously, this is SO MUCH MONEY! Holy shit!!!!! I'm going to get books and then I'm going to get my dad books and then I'm going to get my mom books and then I'm going to get my puppy books and then I'm going to get the homeless people books and fuck me the books!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!! More exclamation points!!!!!!!!!

Holy shit.

3) There are also alien glasses, and there were dinosaur fingerpuppets, but my little cousin ran off with them to see who wins, dog vs baby dinosaur, in the most adorable cage match ever.

AND he said there's more coming. MORE COMING!! It's something that rhymes with 'porridge' that he's had handmade for me. What the fuck rhymes with porridge??? I'm, at this point, hoping for actual porridge. I don't know who you are, but if I ever find you, sir, you are going to get the biggest flytackle hug the world has ever seen.

4) Update: (can I update this? I guess we'll find out) After spending 45 minutes ripping through tape (mental note: use amazon gift card to buy a knife), HOLY SHIT I GOT THE LAST BOX IN THE MAIL. Okay, it positively doesn't rhyme with porridge. Ass. But they are custom-made mugs, one has the alien on the front and my s/n on the back; the other has the alien on the front and my name on the back. These are SO FUCKING COOL. Please tell your friend s/he did an excellent job - especially my name, it looks so perdy :). We will drink some serious whiskey out of these, sir, if you ever come visit me.

Dude, you put SO MUCH effort into my gift. The mugs alone would have been wonderful. The toilet paper alone would have been wonderful. TP + mugs + amazon + dinosaurs + aliens? You're amazing (and inspiring! My rematch is going to have a damn good time :)).

Thank you!!!!!!!!!