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IN private correspondence to all sitting politicians which was subsequently leaked to the press, British prime minister David Cameron has urged all MPs to refrain from raping children for the time being.

His request comes in the aftermath of fresh allegations made about deceased former prime minister Edward Heath, and months after the exposing of a paedophile ring which operated near Parliament buildings in Dolphin House throughout the 70s and 80s.

“Christ, whatever you do, just refrain from raping children. And, if you are a rapist, whatever you do, don’t fucking tell me, I won’t be dragged down with you,” a portion of Cameron’s letter read to MPs.

“Could you for the time being find another way to let off steam, like, say cocaine and prostitutes? Just until all this business dies down”.

Police in the UK have yet to confirm if they will ever get around to investigating paedophile politicians who are still alive, while the tabloid media suggested Edward Heath’s silence over the claims against him speak volumes.

Meanwhile, closer to home many members of the Irish public have been tutting disparagingly in the direction of Britain, simply unable to fathom how several institutions could sit back and fail to report savage crimes committed against innocent children.