Morrissey Accused of Asexual Harassment

LOS ANGELES — Dozens of victims came forward this past weekend with completely nonsexual harassment accusations against iconic singer Morrissey.

Nikita Whelms, a stagehand at Riot Fest in 2016, was the first in the still-growing line of men and women to come forward.

“To Morrissey, I was a ‘vapid bore of staggering insignificance’ just because I asked if he wanted a bottle of water,” said Whelms in a social media post that has since gone viral. “He hurt me with that remark, as he has hurt many others. I encourage all victims of Morrissey’s asexual, but nonetheless dehumanizing, verbal assault to step forward.”

Dozens of former staff, baristas, hair stylists, and customer service representatives have since come forward with similar accusations. Leslie Burnham, a bartender in Los Angeles, recounted a particularly gruesome encounter with the aging pop icon lacking any sexual undertones.

“He came into the bar once — literally nose in the air — and asked me about the bacon smell. When I told him we sell burgers, he said, ‘Only a mentally deficient monster of absolutely no moral fiber or substance would work here,’” said Burnham at a press conference, surrounded by family and loved ones. “He left without once looking at me. At least when some jerk says, ‘You got a nice ass,’ an acknowledgment of your existence is involved. Morrissey treated me as if I was less than human.”

Some underage victims have even come forward — the youngest being a 12-year-old boy.

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“I was selling candy to raise money so our school could hire an art teacher when I met Mr. Morrissey,” recounted the student. “He told me I was as ‘sickly and arrogant as Kate Middleton,’ and slammed the door in my face. He wouldn’t even tell me what a Kate Middleton is.”

Morrissey has since released a statement through his management.

“I cannot help that these people are nothing more than a subspecies of humans. They carry themselves so blissfully unaware of the pain and suffering under the golden arches,” read part of the 40-page statement. “I am envious of their ignorance. I wish I could live so completely devoid of critical thought.”