Transition has changed my life in ways I never expected

Today marks my three year tranniversary of HRT. In this time, I’ve learned a lot, from my own experience but mainly from absorbing the wisdom of other trans folks. This article is my attempt at paying it forward. It can be thought of as a kind of “what I wish I knew before I started”-type piece.

Before I continue, I want to say that this article is biased towards trans women because obviously that’s the experience I am most familiar with. Also, I am white, well educated, and relatively privileged. So this piece will not necessarily apply to everyone. But I hope that this advice is general enough to be applicable to many trans folks. Last, it should be obvious that my advice is filtered through my own experiences and since we are all unique individuals not everyone is going to agree with my generalizations.

The Obsession With Being Trans Will Eventually Fade

When I first realized I was trans and started transition, I basically attempted to read anything and everything I could about being trans. I read the reddit forums obsessively. I was all over trans tumblr. I attended support groups and hung out with other trans women all the time. I read so many books and articles about being trans and absorbed as much theory as I could.

In a word, I was obsessed with being trans. Going out in public my trans status was all I could think about. Of course, this was also because I was still exploring my presentation and getting misgendered all the time so I was on high alert. But all of my perception and social awareness was filtered through the lens of my trans identity.

Overtime, as I simply began to live my life, my obsession faded. I could go an hour without thinking about being trans. A day at work began to feel like just a day at work and not some Trans Adventure. Nowadays, I can go a day without really thinking too much about it. Sure, it comes up in little ways here and there but it’s not something I obsess over. It’s just a part of my life.

Internalized Transphobia Is a Hard Battle

When I first started transition my focus was largely on bodily and social dysphoria. I hated how I looked — how I was perceived. The mirror didn’t reflect back what I wanted. It still doesn’t. But along the way I’ve learned so much from cis women who also struggle to find happiness with their physical appearance. I know it’s different from gender dysphoria. But my unhappiness with, e.g., my big ole crooked nose is likely similar to the unhappiness big nosed cis women feel. So developing solidarity with cis women in the face of patriarchal beauty norms has been a huge part of me learning to deal with my appearance. For every part of my body (except what’s in my pants) there is likely a cis woman out there who also struggles with that part. Knowing this and internalizing this has hugely helped me be stronger on the inside.

I haven’t hated my body as much as other trans folks. My desires for surgeries are not all-consuming. So I can’t speak for all trans people and I don’t wish to dismiss their intense focus on passing. But what I can say is that, in my experience, dealing with deep, internal shit is incredibly difficult — the type of shit that makes you suspect the TERFs are right. Even if you get all your surgeries, reading just the wrong internet comment at the wrong time can ruin your whole day. Building up a stronger internal defense against transphobia and TERFism is critical for survival in this cruel, cis-normative world.

So while I don’t want to say passing is not important, I want to emphasize how important your internal game is in addition to our external appearance. And this brings me to my next point:

Relieving All Your Dysphoria Will Not Make You Happy

Believe it or not, gender dysphoria is not the only problem trans people have. While gender dysphoria and transphobia are certainly huge obstacles to happiness for most trans people, even if you were relieved of all your dysphoria it’s not so simple to be happy in this modern society. There are also problems intrinsic to just being human.Most people still want a good job, good health, good friends, and a romantic partner to share life with. And those things are not so easy to find.

You can have all your surgeries, have zero dysphoria, and still be miserable and lonely.

I say this to give you some perspective. Transition is a process. But usually it’s not something that lasts a lifetime. We eventually find ourselves in our trans identities. But life continues to go on once our gender transition is over. People we love die. We get old and sick. We get new jobs, new careers. New hobbies. We learn new skills. Make new friends. Life is so dynamic and it’s constantly changing.

There is also a huge element of randomness to life. It’s unpredictable. You have no idea what the future will bring. No one does. And so much of our happiness is tied into this future.

While it may seem like all your mental health right now is tied into your gender transition, I can assure you that this is but one component of your future life.

Things Will Go Wrong In Your Transition (and Your Life)

You will encounter problems in your transition. Doctors will screw up. You’ll have problems with your hormones. Your insurance will be a pain. The medical industry will fail you. You will get sick. Your plans will go astray. You will lose people you love. People will betray you. You will fuck up. Some politician will make your life worse. You will have shitty days.

But take it in stride. While one could make a strong argument that life is suffering, it’s also the case that we have to make our own meaning in the midst of that suffering. So never take anything for granted.

It Will Take Time to Find Your Style

Cis people have it easy when it comes to style, fashion, makeup, grooming, etc. They have their whole lives to build towards something. Trans people, on the other hand, don’t have this privilege. We often have just years or months to create a totally new sense of style that is consistent with our personalities while at the same time dealing with the anxieties of shopping and clothes that don’t fit right.

It has taken me three years, but I feel like I finally have a sense of style that is me. So don’t beat yourself up if your clothes closet is completely disjointed and you feel like you have no idea what to do. Although I don’t have hard stats on this, I would wager that the majority of trans folks just getting started have difficulties in this area.

There Is No One Way to Transition or Be Trans

One thing you’ll learn over time is that there is controversy within the trans community about who is and isn’t “really” trans. Often this just boils down to linguistic debates i.e. debate about what terms to use in particular contexts. But there are deeper metaphysical issues lurking here.

However, unless you are a philosopher or knee-deep in theory, you really don’t need to concern yourself with these debates. My advice is simply to be loving and empathetic and not worry yourself about policing the boundaries of gender. There is a lot of talk lately about nonbinary people but in my opinion the tide of history seems to be broadening the umbrella and it would be wise to be on the right side of history.

In the end, it’s just not worth it to spend too much time worrying about who is or isn’t trans. Concepts evolve over time. Language evolves over time. People evolve over time. Nothing lasts forever. What we mean by “trans” in 2018 is certainly different than what we meant in 1968. My advice is to embrace this change and stop trying to prove to cis people than you are “one of the good ones”.

Conclusion

This might sound weird, but none of what I wrote really matters. It’s just my experience. Your experience might be totally different. Queer/trans people of color will certainly have totally different experiences from me. People with disabilities will have different experiences. People living in poverty will have different experiences.

There is no universal trans experience. We are an extremely diverse population. The only thing that unites us is that our birth gender was wrongly assigned.

But we have each other. No longer do trans folks have to languish in the darkness. The internet has changed all that. There is so much information out there relevant to our beautiful lives. We have all kinds of forums. One could say we have even developed our own little internet culture.

In the end, all I can say is: you are beautiful and valid. Good luck with your journey.