A pop quiz, for the discerning baseball fan:

This 1860s player (above) is:

A) the league leader in hit by pitches.

B) nicknamed “Fancy Pants.”

C) wielding the cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper.

D) sad that The Pirates of Penzance is yet to be written.

This lefty:

A) produces a gumball whenever his arm is pushed downward.

B) enjoys spontaneous massages from sweater-wearing strangers.

C) can control his own pulse, and likes to prove it.

D) isn’t sure what’s happening.

A Hardball Times Update by Rachael McDaniel Goodbye for now.

This player is:

A) frequently fooled by change-ups.

B) slated to perform for inmates at Folsom State Prison.

C) about to beat the dust from an area rug.

D) rocking the trendy popped-collar look.

This pitcher is:

A) also known as Cornelius the Cable Guy.

B) not even scared of those ghosts behind him.

C) telling the photographer to change shutter speeds.

D) wondering if he left his glove on the trolley.

This man:

A) leads the league in nonchalant walks.

B) dropped his other fake mustache on the floor.

C) can see the string, you dummy.

D) is getting verrrrrrrrrrrry sleepy.

This baserunner is:

A) failing to slide safely into home, which is located on the hill behind him.

B) likely to be run over by a horse-drawn carriage.

C) stopping, at last, to smell the grasses.

D) playing an early form of Twister.

This guy is:

A) controlling the baseball with his mind.

B) developing the soon-to-be-rejected shovel toss.

C) lobbing an ostrich egg to a nattily dressed anthropologist.

D) tired of holding this pose.

These players are:

A) solemn.

B) serious.

C) seriously solemn.

D) good at poker.

This player is:

A) experiencing some back discomfort.

B) wondering why, with regard to his cap, it’s called a “jaunty” angle.

C) just now realizing that the ball should be white, probably.

D) not in the market for hot-pan holders.

This guy:

A) enjoys long, awkward hikes through photography studios.

B) didn’t knock down that fence rail, and you can’t prove he did.

C) is allergic to fake flowers, somehow.

D) enjoys playing for the W’s way more than he did for the L’s.

This fellow:

A) is probably from France.

B) won’t wow anyone with his fastball.

C) will not lead the league in strikeouts.

D) All of the above

Brooklyn catcher Albert “Doc” Bushong is:

A) wondering how the photographer grew fescue indoors.

B) about to realize that a diamond is actually a rhombus.

C) not yet aware that a catcher’s mask is worn on the face.

D) suddenly considering a switch from dentistry to pulmonology.

This man is known as:

A) The Great Fortuni, Teller of Fortunes.

B) The Great Kidneyni, Shower of Large Kidney Stones.

C) The Great Bruisini, Bearer of Painfully Bruised Hands.

D) George Pinkney, infielder for the Brooklyn Grays.

King Kelly:

A) is practiced in the art of seduction.

B) does not want to be placed on a pedestal, but is okay with leaning on it.

C) is contemplating a new Vaudeville routine titled “Mustachioed Elegance.”

D) leans a bit to the right, politically.

These fellows are:

A) the oldest boy band in the competition.

B) both color blind and pattern blind.

C) developing an ineffective zone defense.

D) not getting the memo.

This guy:

A) blames the weatherman, definitely.

B) hates exhibition games in Nome.

C) is assessing the camera’s potential as kindling.

D) wants desperately to warm up in the bullpen.

This man is thinking:

A) “That’s the worst piñata I’ve ever seen.”

B) “Um, I am smiling.”

C) “The ‘P’ is for ‘pummel,’ believe you me.”

D) “’No pepper on grass,’ my fanny.”

Honus Wagner is:

A) starting to realize this won’t be enough firewood.

B) growing weary of these weighted deep knee bends.

C) getting bored with novelty oversized toothpicks.

D) wondering what’s in that mysterious black bag.

White Sox outfielder Matty McIntyre is:

A) executing history’s worst pole vault.

B) pioneering the art of folk-rock album covers.

C) realizing he’ll need deeeeep focus to see the spaceship in the 3D art.

D) actually a mannequin.

Casey Stengel is:

A) thinking, “The future’s so bright, I gotta something something.”

B) beginning to realize that the X-Ray Specs don’t work.

C) ridiculing the home plate umpire, nonverbally.

D) asleep.

Boston’s Pat Donahue is:

A) pleading with paramedics to help his impaled teammate.

B) telling authorities that the attacker was “yay wide.”

C) shouting, “He stole my shin guards, what was I s’posed to do?”

D) wearing a throw pillow on his left hand.

Pittsburgh outfielder Ed Mensor is:

A) signaling that they went that-a-way.

B) proposing that you take a left at Albuquerque.

C) encouraging the groom’s family to sit on the left (their right).

D) gonna wear his pants any way he wants, thank you very much.

Boston pitcher Dick Rudolph is:

A) not upset, apparently, that someone misspelled his name.

B) definitely out of the batter’s box.

C) hopeful that attendance will pick up.

D) wearing pajamas, for sure.

Tris Speaker (left) and Ty Cobb are:

A) struggling with the concept of charades.

B) not so sure about the new line of minimalist furniture.

C) still not talking to each other because of an ongoing collar disagreement.

D) being terrible humans, probably.

Babe Ruth is:

A) ahead of Jane Fonda by more than half a century.

B) inventing lateral semaphore.

C) signaling the vendor that he wants five hot dogs and one jumbo soda.

D) safe, but just barely.

Athletics second baseman Eddie Collins (right) is:

A) upset that his hand-buzzer malfunctioned.

B) not concerned about the upper-respiratory bug going around.

C) reading Frankie Frisch’s “life line.”

D) terrible at arm wrestling.

St. Louis manager Rogers Hornsby and pitcher Buck Newsome:

A) are having trouble pronouncing “Del Boca Vista.”

B) have just learned that Garbo wants to be alone.

C) are each thinking, “Okay, fine, but where’s my motivation?”

D) want customers to “hit a home run” at Fred Johnson Motors.

Slugger Jimmie Foxx is:

A) number one in your heart, number nothing in your program.

B) enjoying spring break at the Haggar Slacks factory.

C) hoping to win the Immunity Challenge on Survivor.

D) not a baseball writer.

Hank Greenberg, Goose Goslin, Charlie Gehringer and Pete Fox are:

A) not amused by the opening monologue.

B) first to the set of 1979 action thriller The Warriors.

C) not entirely convinced of this newfangled batting stance.

D) holding very, very still.

Lou Gehrig and Joe DiMaggio are:

A) having fun with the Magical Levitation Bat.

B) showing Yogi Subbayah Pullavar just how it’s done.

C) in the planning stages of an ultra-cheap domestic airline.

D) demonstrating that DiMaggio can’t hit the letter-high fastball.

Bob Feller is:

A) auditioning for the Radio City Rockettes.

B) attempting to receive radio signals with his spikes.

C) a charter member of the Ministry of Silly Walks.

D) falling backward.

Roy Cullenbine, Joe Vosmik, Pee Wee Reese and Charlie Gilbert are:

A) the worst Olympic bobsled team America has ever produced.

B) not so sure about this Island of Misfit Toys.

C) getting tired, frankly, of spring training in Innsbruck.

D) not entirely convinced that Eskimos have 300 words for this stuff.

Yogi Berra is:

A) demonstrating the effectiveness of wintergreen breath mints.

B) criticizing the umpire’s attempts to fly.

C) singing Oh! Susannah, with emphasis on the “oh!”

D) experimenting with chakra breathing.

Ted Williams is:

A) going to need more leg room on the flight to Detroit.

B) about to realize how big his strike zone will be.

C) planning to introduce a new line of urinals.

D) aware, at last, as to how Bindini the Magnificent saws the lady in half.

Boston manager Joe McCarthy and catcher Birdie Tebbetts are:

A) angry about the direction of the country.

B) concerned that the umpire is staying out too late.

C) dead even in the finals of the Rage Tournament.

D) miming A Streetcar Named Desire.

These Brooklyn Dodgers rookie hopefuls are:

A) learning what it’s like to give birth.

B) in agreement that “V” is for “victory.”

C) suffering from elephantiasis of the testicles.

D) actually a squadron of the new Navy prototype V-9 bomber.

Mickey Mantle is:

A) running from his own shadow.

B) posing for the debut-album cover of a young Seals and Crofts.

C) unsure as to the subtleties of keep away.

D) never gonna fall for that trick again.

Willie Mays is:

A) wondering why they give square dance lessons at home plate.

B) just another unwitting victim of rampant germ transmission.

C) thinking, “We need something higher … and five-ier.”

D) not pleased that the back of his jersey reads “Cheesecake Recipe.”

Tigers catcher Bill Freehan and Cardinals runner Lou Brock have:

A) picked a strange time to practice the tango.

B) never posed for a hood ornament this creative.

C) not been formally introduced.

D) a lot to discuss over postgame beers.

These players are watching:

A) a small but entertaining Mardi Gras parade.

B) a tennis match at a nudist resort.

C) a rudimentary, and very large, prototype of Pong.

D) other.