In the absence of anything resembling traditional religion these days, a curious collection of secular sacraments has begun to fill the spiritual vacuum. Being one of those lucky few who are on hand to help a beached pilot whale back into the ocean is probably as good as it gets in the index of modern sacred happenings. The dying whale seems to represent the ultimate sacrifice in nature's endless cycle of death and rebirth. Although it's probably best to gloss over the fact that when the big chaps inadvertently hit the sand they already know the game is up. After that, they probably want simply to breathe their last amid seagulls and starfish instead of being manhandled and violated by scores of wailing and screeching sympathisers attempting to hump it back into the sea.

The next time you see one of these poor creatures expiring quietly on the beach, just leave it alone and say a quick prayer to Neptune if you really must. Panda births and lunar eclipses are also considered to be most venerable in the cosmic pantheon. Indeed, if Tian Tian does give birth at Edinburgh Zoo later this year, those lucky enough to have been on the premises at the sacred moment will be entitled to sport saffron robes for the rest of their lives.

If new pandas and old whales and spooky moons are the secular world's beatitudes, then urban cycling has become its prayer and meditation; in Scotland we don't build churches any more, only cycle lanes. To be a cyclist in lowland Scotland is to have reached the absolute zenith of the human condition. Thus we find ourselves in the middle of a campaign to presume guilt on the part of motorists in any road accidents involving cyclists. The proponents of this extraordinary nonsense tell us that, as cyclists can't kill you and cars do, then automotive vehicles must be presumed guilty in any incidents involving cyclists.

I feel moved to state here that I'm not averse to a wee pedal myself from time to time, but I feel that doing so in built-up areas is the height of irresponsibility and displays an arrogant and high-handed attitude to the concerns of other road-users. All that countryside with which we have been blessed in Scotland, all those hills and lochs – they have been put here for a reason. It's to provide a natural facility for people who insist on spending a disproportionate part of their lives running, cycling and climbing. Cities are for cars, buses and trains. They are where people go to work hard and drink seriously. There is ample room in the countryside for frivolous people who want to affect healthiness and happiness and sport ridiculous millinery and garish apparel.

On STV recently, we were treated to a serious news item that showed how much money local authorities in Holland have spent on festooning this otherwise lovely country with cycle routes. This is the way ahead for Glasgow, seemed to be the implication. Did it not occur to the reporter or the designated studio cycling agitator that Holland does not have any hills? And that Glasgow is built on a dozen of them?

Two serious consequences would arise from adopting such an intemperate course of action. The number of heart attacks and respiratory problems among Glasgow's population would increase and fuel consumption would climb to a horrifying degree as motorists would be forced to chug along permanently in second gear. Our collective carbon footprint would be approaching the dangerous double-digit mark last seen in the 1970s.

All over the city thousands of cyclists would be staggering into their offices pouring sweat over the work-stations of normal desk-users before stumbling into the kitchen area to put their wretched banana and cous-cous packed lunches into the fridge. On a hot day these places begin to smell like a badger's arse. The Lord alone knows how many working hours are lost each year by persistent cyclists dressing and undressing twice a day in the office simply to indulge this antisocial habit.

My sustainable credentials and behaviour are impeccable and I do always pause to consider the environment whenever I get an email. Yet I can't believe that the government would seriously consider making any new legislation that automatically presumes the guilt of thousands of motorists in accidents with cyclists. Haven't the SNP criminalised enough innocent citizens with their sinister Offensive Behaviour at Football and Threatening Communications Act?

In the overwhelming majority of road incidents involving cars and bikes, the driver will be in possession of thousands of pounds' worth of training, car insurance and safety apparatus. The cyclist will have nothing but a daft helmet, diving goggles and spandex shorts. Cyclists need to be put through a stiff proficiency test before obtaining a licence and they ought to be taxed and insured.

Let's not kid ourselves either that the government's obsession with making us all cyclists and joggers is about creating a healthier Scotland. Cycling and jogging in urban areas are mainly the preserves of the middle classes. It is less about them being fit and active and more about them participating in a daily fashion parade for designer sportswear or conducting clandestine liaisons with their outdoor inamoratas. These people already eat five a day, floss and attend a gym. Running and cycling are merely the frou-frou accoutrements to their goat's cheese lifestyles.

No amount of cycling and running, though, can ever address Scotland's real health issues. Last week, it was revealed that the number of Scots receiving handouts from food banks had risen 150%. These are families who are beyond the reach of the benefits system. This winter, the bedroom tax and the obscene cartelism and greed of the energy suppliers will have increased that number. Also last week we were told that some parts of Glasgow are the least peaceful in the UK and that the literacy gap between schools in poor areas and those in affluent ones is as big as ever.

These wretched people cannot afford the luxury of designer cycling and jogging when their sole concern is simply to reach the end of the day intact.

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