Step one.

Decide that you want to get over them.

Now this may seem bleedingly obvious, but it really is the most crucial step and where most people trip up.

Early in my career of heartbreak, I found myself stuck on the loss of one of my first proper relationships. After it ended, I often pretended I was moving on, mostly because I felt like a humongous burden on my friends and family every time I started talking about her again. But the reality was, I still left the door ajar for her just in case she decided to reach out to me. I did so even though I knew it was never going to happen. Most commonly, this looked like:

regularly checking my phone, email and socials to see if she’d contacted;

defending or otherwise making excuses for her poor behaviour;

planning or fantasising about things we’d do when we got back together (note: be mindful of the language you use with yourself!);

obsessing. Oh my god, the obsessing.

Leaving this emotional opening for her made me very vulnerable, very moody, and ultimately prevented me from moving on. While your wound is fresh, you’ve gotta stitch, glue, band-aid, gauze, and mummify that sucker shut before you can make any real progress.

A lot of smokers bullshit themselves saying they’re going to quit, but so many don’t. At least not for good; not until they hit that point and decide “OK. I am NEVER putting a cigarette in my mouth again.” Likewise dieters saying they’ve tried everything but can never lose weight. Once your decision is so concrete that you could build a house on it, there is no option but to succeed.

Usually when people gloss over this step, they develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, sex, smoking, and over-eating. Some of them are even disguised as healthy habits, like obsessive exercise. You might be able to bounce a coin off of your brand new six-pack, and your glistening selfies are getting a ton of likes, but beware; it’s not sustainable. More on this later.

Don’t beat yourself up if you seem to be stuck in a loop of pining. It’s totally normal. This process takes time. A long time. But this is the single most crucial step and cannot be rushed. Make sure it’s solid before you move on.