So, I tweeted this bullshit about some definitely hypothetical guy and his fictional, piece-of-shit girlfriend who never deserved him in the first place, and everyone’s been accusing me of being “hurt” or whatever, because it’s too “oddly specific” to not be something that happened to me personally. Okay.

Oddly specific? Do you simple-minded sheep and atom-brained crows want to see how oddly fucking specific it would’ve been if Twitter didn’t have a character limit? Do you want to see the pain I would’ve expressed if I had more than 280 characters to work with? Of course you don’t, but I’m gonna show you anyway because I’m pissed and offended.

Your girlfriend of 3 years and 2 months, who you’re planning on proposing to in June when you’re on vacation together at her grandparents’ beach house in Naples, Florida, went to Coachella last weekend with her roommates Alexa and Whitney, and Whitney’s friend from high school, Hanna (with only one H), whose dad is the CEO of a major healthcare corporation and paid for their tickets and flight. She told you that you couldn’t come because “it’s gonna be a ‘girls trip’ and Alexa and Whitney aren’t bringing their boyfriends,” even though neither of them are even in relationships anymore, and Hanna brought her male friend Zak (with no C), who looks oddly similar to you, except he’s three inches taller and has a fuller beard.

Your girlfriend impulsively bought two tabs of acid and an unknown dose of “molly” that was actually over 75% meth from a 31-year-old, Serbian drug dealer nicknamed “Blu” (with no E), not even 10 minutes after arriving at the festival. She was too afraid to do the acid, even though Zak assured her that she would be “okay” and he would “look after her,” but she did end up taking the “pure MDMA” right before Kygo came on stage. She repetitively told her friends, “I love you guys so fucking much” during the entirety of his set, even though she secretly hates Whitney and had just met Hanna and Zak. After Kygo played “It Ain’t Me” (ft. Selena Gomez), she sent you a fraudulent text that said, “phone’s about to die but if you fall awllep goodnight I love you soo much,” and then enthusiastically followed a self-proclaimed, “up-and-coming” YouTuber named Wes, who recently moved from suburban Milwaukee to LA and doesn’t even make any money from YouTubing, back to his campsite, solely because he complimented her shoulder tattoo (an ocean wave with the quote “dream higher than the sky and deeper than the ocean”) and told her that he has “booze and weed” back at his tent, which was a lie because it was actually his friend’s girlfriend’s weed, but he did have a half-filled bottle of Tito’s and a six-pack of warm Strawberritas. When they arrived, he asked her if she has a boyfriend, and she hesitated, but then said “no…w-well, it’s complicated, but long story short—nope.” He raised his eyebrows in suspicion and facetiously replied, “is that your final answer?” and she smirked and said, “final answer, SIR” and immediately changed the subject by asking him to show her his YouTube videos, which he responded to with, “let’s take a shot first,” and she excitedly obliged.

After one half-shot of vodka, he asked her if she wanted to go “walk around” and she responded by saying, “I have a better idea,” and then proceeded to pin him down on his slightly damp sleeping bag, which eventually led to them fucking for over 9 minutes (almost triple your average duration) and then watching his “most popular” YouTube videos, which all were of him “pranking” fast food drive thru workers, and had somewhere between 5,000–7,500 views, tops. She ended up ditching her friend group to fuck Wes, and fake laugh at his videos afterwards, the next three nights as well, while you researched the prices of various engagement rings in your studio apartment alone and anxiously waited for her to text you back to no avail.

You picked her up from the airport on Monday night, and she has been acting weird ever since but claims that “everything is fine” and she’s just “sooo fucking tired from the jet lag.” This morning, she quoted a tweet about Prince William cheating on Kate Middleton, and said “BIGGG yikes. Throw the whole male species away” (trendy Twitter slang, especially amongst college-aged girls and obsessive fans of specific music artists), and then texted Wes and said “soooo do you miss me yet???”

Whatever. I’m over it.