At some point every lesbian has faced this problem. If you haven’t encountered it yet you’re either still in the closet, or are still very young. Either way, it will happen.

What problem you ask? Men. Not all men, just some. For the purposes of this rant we’ll divide the category in to three sections. Group A are the great guys. They could care less about who you sleep with, and most of them think it’s cool to have a lesbian friend. My best bud is one of these guys. Roul (his sexy latin lover name at his request) is great to talk to and seems to attract lesbian friends. Of course, I sometimes question whether he’s not really lesbian. (He loves Melissa Etheridge, The Indigo Girls, and drama.) But anyhow. Group A is great in my book. Group B are the guys that are afraid that somehow they will be emasculated in your presence. Sometimes they are super religious. Either way they seem afraid that your ‘gay’ may rub off of them. They leave me alone, I leave them alone. No issues. Group C wants you to rub your gay on them. Group C are the guys I’m referring to.

Meet my neighbor, Buck. (Not his real name.) When we first moved in to this house he was a great guy. He’s a landscaper and he would take care of our yard, helped me remove a few tree branches from our roof after a bad storm, and is just overall a friendly person. Best neighbor ever, right? Well, not really. After living here for a few months he asks about me and my roommate. I explain that we aren’t just roommates, and he seemed pretty laid back about it. He asked me questions like how I knew I was gay, when I came out, how long we had been together, and other irritating but non-threatening questions. Then the famous ‘what do you do in the bedroom’ question was asked. Normally when I’m asked this question I give a really off the wall response. My favorite quips usually include a bottle of spicy mustard and a bible, but I didn’t want to be rude this time. I just laughed it off. He proceeds to ask me ‘no really, do you like penetration?’. UGH. I hate this question. I finally told him that lesbians didn’t have some secret button that opened a new ride for women only, and if he didn’t understand what 2 women could do in a bedroom then he had much deeper problems and was probably going to be lonely for the rest of this life.

Then the real fun began.

He called me one night to ask if I had any lesbian porn I could loan him. Um.. No. He called to ask me if I could go to the adult toy store with him to help him pick out some anal beads. Again, no thanks. He tells me one day that I’m looking really hot in my skirt (a floor length broomstick skirt nonetheless) and if I was every lonely I could come visit him anytime. Great, thanks. He invites me over to shave his back. Okay, so this part probably isn’t sexual, but it’s still pervy to me. He is constantly hinting around at the fact that maybe one day we can get together.

Now I know that a lot of straight men have this fantasy about lesbians, but I’m starting to think that many of them just don’t understand how lesbianism works. Buck confirmed this one night by asking if I could take him to the local dyke bar. “What on earth are you going to do at the dyke bar?” I asked him with disgust. “Find a girlfriend” is his response.

I suppose we can blame mainstream media (read as- The Kids Are Alright) for making Group C assume that all lesbians are really just cock starved women who would jump on (pun intended) the first hard dick they ran across. Buck assumes that all lesbians are secretly bisexual, and apparently we love to shave backs while watching lesbian porn. I have no issue with bisexuals, but I’m not one. I couldn’t think of a polite way to tell him he needed to stop. So I finally just explained that I much prefer the company of the hen.

So, for those of you who may be confused, or those who have to deal with misguided men, here are the answers to all of your questions.

No, I will not kiss her for you. No, you may not watch. No, we will never have a threesome with you or any other man. No, I don’t need to find ‘the right’ man. No, I don’t think you have a magical dick that will change my life. No, neither me nor my girlfriend ‘plays the man’ in the relationship. No, it’s not just a phase. No, I really don’t hate men (just Group C). No, my father never abused me. No, I’m not discussing the contents of my nightstand and what toys I may or may not have with you. And finally- No, using some kind of toy does NOT mean that a woman must have straight tendencies.

I have enough problems to deal with. A dick is not something I care to add to that list.