It was a hot September day in the fall of 2016, and the semester was looking bright. FSU football was only a local failure instead of a national embarrassment, Donald Trump was still a joke, and no one had discovered the WII bomb in College Town. The semester was shaken, however, when FSU white boys were attacked like never before. Hand, foot, and mouth disease struck FSU with the vengeance of a girlfriend left on read. Gone were the days where frat boys could freely pass along STDs; instead, they were stuck in daycare like the kids in “Rugrats.” Thinking they were safe from incurring the same fate once again, the fraternity brothers were mistaken as the Coronavirus is ripping its way through Florida. Fearing the worst (like having to cancel rush again), they are taking time to prep by finally washing their sheets for the first time in four years.

Xander Brown, a proud Pike and lover of anything that says “Saturdays Are for the Boys,” claimed that he is ready for the Coronavirus, and not just because it has his favorite beer in the name. “Instead of relying on my usual cleaning routine of throwing my dirty plaid boxers in the corner of his room and piling up my old UberEats containers like the grossest game of Tetris, I have made the courageous decision to wash my sheets for the first time in four years. My sheets are so stiff that they stand up on their own when I throw them on the floor in the morning, but they still feel clean because they smell like all the different perfumes of the girls I’ve slept with since freshman year,” said Brown before reflecting on the socio-cultural consequences of the disease. “I saw on CNN that people are making racist remarks about Asians now that the Coronavirus is hitting the US, but I would never do that because my friend from high school served in the military in South Korea for two weeks.”

Kate Manning, who is sure that Coronavirus would be a great new cause for her sorority to take on, is proud that her fellow Greeks (and future first and second husbands) are taking so many precautions to keep the campus safe. “Listen, it's not easy being this involved in school! It's hard work to fill my barren resumé with events that I only attend for four hours but take all the credit for. The fact that Xander is washing his sheets just goes to show how much he loves and cares for the students of FSU. I mean, sure, he asked me to clean for him first. But I was too busy posting boomerangs of myself on my Insta stories to get DM Donations, so he eventually did it by himself! He only had to call his mom twice to figure it out, and once was just to learn the difference between a fabric softener and detergent. This coronavirus doesn’t stand a chance now that guys who have failed Intro to Accounting three times are on it.”

No matter what the case is, make sure you wash your hands, stay inside, and cough somewhere other than on the back of the person in front of you in class. Even as hysteria begins to make its way through the country, don’t forget that it could always be worse—you could be the FSU Florence kids who had to leave Italy early and come back to Tallahassee. Stay safe and healthy ‘Noles!