Photo : Win McNamee ( Getty Images )

Until I see Melania Trump do anything other than wave and steal speeches from the most extraordinary first lady ever to grace the White House with her presence, then I have a hard time believing that she can do anything other than look like a vaguely alive corpse.




So how in all the heat in hell did the former topless model get a permanent green card through the EB-1 program, reserved for immigrants with “extraordinary abilities,” commonly referred to as the Einstein visa?

According to the Washington Post, the Einstein visa is for immigrants who’ve “sustained national and international acclaim,” including renowned researchers or business leaders, award-winning performing artists and Olympic athletes.


The program requires applicants to submit a résumé proving “one-time” achievement, such as a “Pulitzer, Oscar [or] Olympic Medal,” according to HuffPost. “You must be able to demonstrate extraordinary ability in the sciences, arts, education, business, or athletics,” the requirements state. Applicants can also “demonstrate international recognition for ... outstanding achievements in a particular academic field.”

Trump was issued her EB-1 visa in 2001. To get an idea of how hard it is to obtain this visa, in the same year that Trump received hers, of the more than 1 million green cards issued, “just 3,376—or a fraction of 1 percent—were issued to immigrants with ‘extraordinary ability,’ according to government statistics,” WaPo reports.

I don’t want to take anything from Melania Trump. Maybe she’s the Slovenian Rain Man whose downtime is spent looking mildly undead, but secretly she solves really complex math equations without using her fingers. Maybe she graduated summa cum laude from Trump University. Maybe she can paint stunning portraits using both hands. Maybe she is a genius.

According to HuffPost, though, she isn’t.

Trump’s bio during the presidential campaign noted that she graduated from the “University of Slovenia” with a degree in design and architecture. But, biographers of hers note, that is a lie (Maury voice). They claim that not only did she drop out of college her freshman year, but there is no University of Slovenia!


Her White House bio now says she “paused” her studies at the University of Ljubljana, HuffPost reports.

Look, I’m not saying that Melania Knauss used her pretty to obtain an EB-1 visa. I’M TOTALLY SAYING THAT MELANIA KNAUSS (ASSUMING THAT’S EVEN HER REAL MAIDEN NAME) USED HER PRETTY TO OBTAIN A VISA! I wouldn’t trust her to successfully put spilled cereal back in the box by herself.


How can I be this judgmental of her intelligence, you ask? Umm, have you seen who she married? I rest my case.

HuffPost also notes that Melania’s special visa paved the way for her to bring her parents to the United States, the type of move that Donald Trump adamantly opposes, in theory, because he’s a condescending bitch.


I hate everything. Also, I wouldn’t trust Melania Trump to count out the change for an AriZona iced tea unless my niece was around to watch over her. If you told me she was brought to the U.S. on a topless-model visa, now, that I would have believed; but a genius visa? C’mon, son. Even alt-whites, the far right and Rep. Devin Nunes—who has proved himself to be the professional holder of Trump’s Russian luggage—would find this a stretch.