There’s a common misconception in our society that women wear makeup to make themselves more desirable to men. However, there are so many other reasons to wear makeup. Maybe it’s a form of self expression, maybe it’s a way to play with color, or maybe, if she’s like me, she wears makeup because she loves supporting multinational corporations across the globe.

That’s right. I don’t wear makeup for men; I wear makeup because I love big, faceless conglomerates and want to see them thrive.

Thanks to the free market, there is an ever-growing number of corporations that produce and sell makeup products, and I feel a personal drive to support them in any way I can. For example: When Revlon first announced their new line of lipliner, I was less interested in feeling a sense of feminine power, and more interested in the opportunity to directly support Revlon, which is a subsidiary of MacAndrews & Forbes. Yes, the MacAndrews & Forbes!!! If you’re not a corporo-ho like me, this might not ring a bell, but MacAndrews & Forbes is owned wholly by corporate billionaire bae Ronald Perelman. I’m a huge fan!

It’s incredible that by just spending $57 on coloring for the edges of my lips, I could become a vital drop in the ocean of Ronnie’s $12.1 billion net worth. Some women might think they need lipliner to give the illusion of a fuller pout that’s sexually enticing to men, but I like to think I’m a bit more evolved than that: I wear it to help billionaires gain the maximum amount of power possible in late capitalist America.

In the past I’ve tried to have community bake sales to raise money for corporations, and I’ve even tried just sending wads of my own cash in envelopes to corporate headquarters, but I’ve found the most effective way to support corporations is by buying makeup, and lots of it!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if there are any “men” I wear makeup for, it’s the handful of billionaires whose corporations control most of the wealth in our country. And also some women because women can be billionaires too if they’re corporate heiresses! Yas capitalist kweens!!

These hero corporations aren’t going to stop making makeup, and I’m not going to stop buying it!