By now your NCAA tournament bracket is busted, but who are you kidding? It was busted weeks ago. It was busted before you turned it in, because you picked that team that you shouldn't have picked—the one with That Coach and That Guy—and they were vaporized before they got their sweats off. You lost in the pool to the boss and the boss's boss, six interns, a duck, a squirrel and a toaster oven. You are the butt of office jokes and you swear you will never fill out another bracket again. But you will. It's hopeless.

And don't...