Note: One shot with nudity

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I can still remember how awesome things felt this time last year.

Gigi and I had been married for about a month, and we were both still stuck in that ‘honeymoon’ phase. Fucking like rabbits all over the apartment. Staying up late at night talking about the future. Laughing together at the stupidest things. Just… enjoying each other. Everything felt perfect.

We’d both just graduated from uni too. We got our Bachelors degrees about two weeks after the wedding. She was about to start her job with the magazine. I was looking forward to coming here to get my Masters. We were so proud of ourselves. And each other too.

It really felt like our lives were finally beginning. You know what I mean? It was fun and exciting and scary as hell. But we weren’t afraid. Because we knew we were in it together.

But just look at us now.

I just keep going over the past year again and again in my head. I’ve been trying so damn hard to figure out where we went wrong.

I dunno. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to her. Maybe I got so wrapped up with my classes and my friends that I just… lost sight of what was important, I guess. And maybe Gigi could feel that.

And Gigi… I’m pretty sure I know where she went wrong. We both do. She wouldn’t talk to me. She bottled everything up. Until it all exploded in our faces.

Whatever it was, it doesn’t matter. We’re both to blame. We let everything fall apart.

We started seeing the worst in each other. We lost that spark we used to have. That connection. And honestly, I really don’t know if we can ever get it back again. Not now.

I just can’t stop thinking about all the ‘what ifs’, you know? Like, what if we’d both stayed back in Germany? Or what if I’d come here alone and we’d tried the long distance thing?

Would we have been okay? Would we have been able to work it out? Or were we doomed no matter what?

Guess we’ll never know.

All I know now is that I wish I never came here in the first place. And that hurts so much to say. But it’s true.

I’m losing every good thing I found since I came here.

I’m losing my chance at getting a degree from my dream school. The one thing that brought me here in the first place, and now I’ve gotta throw it all away. I feel sick just thinking about it. And I’m sure I totally blew all my finals last week. I couldn’t focus. But what does it matter anyway? I worked so hard all year for something that’ll never happen now.

And I’m losing my friends too, I think. I don’t know how much they know, but it’s been so awkward talking to them ever since I ended things with Lola. Maybe even before then. And I guess they could’ve figured things out on their own, but I’m not so sure about that. I think Lola said something. Even if we manage to stay friends after this, I don’t think Addy and Niko will ever look at me the same way again.

And Lola… I lost her too. Forever. I don’t think she’ll ever wanna talk to me again. And I can’t blame her. Getting with her was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my whole damn life. All it did was hurt both of us.

I never meant to let myself love her. It just… happened. Just like when I fell in love with Gigi back when we were kids. You don’t get to choose when those things happen, do you? It’s not something you can control. But that’s no excuse. I never should’ve let us get in this deep.

I’ve just gotta try and move forward now, I guess. I need to focus on Gigi and the baby. Going back home. Starting our family. And figuring out where the hell we go from here.

I think there’s a part of me that’s always gonna wonder though. I shouldn’t, but I know I will. What if me and Lola had met in some kind of alternate reality where me and Gigi weren’t together?

Or what if the baby wasn’t mine? What if me and Gigi decided we wouldn’t stay together?

Would Lola and I have gotten together then? Would we have made it work in the long run? Could we have been happy?

That’s another thing I’ll never know either.

I need to put her behind me now. She was the best and worst mistake I ever made in my life. But it doesn’t matter how much she meant to me. It wasn’t right. It never should have happened.

God, I just wish this whole thing didn’t hurt so much. That’s probably the most selfish freaking thing to say, but I can’t help it. This is just killing me. The whole thing. Gigi. Lola. The baby… It’s just too much.

I keep telling myself I’ve gotta stay strong though. I can’t just sit around feeling sorry for myself. I helped make this mess. It’s my own fault. So I’ve just gotta suck it up and find a way through. For the baby…

And for Gigi too.

This whole thing is just as hard on her as it is on me. She’s been a total fucking wreck ever since we got the test results.

And it just hurts so much to see her like that… especially knowing I’m part of the reason she feels that way.

I know it doesn’t make sense. I’m almost as mad as her as I am at myself.

But even after everything we’ve been through and everything we both did, I think I still love her. Or part of me does, anyway.

I know that another part of me doesn’t though. Part of me can’t stand her anymore. And I’ll be honest… Most days, that part speaks a lot louder than the other one. Even now.

But it’s the part that still loves her that keeps me going, I guess. It’s a part of myself that I wanna make sure I can hold onto, before it’s gone forever.

It’s the same part of me that’s gonna love that baby too. My baby. Our baby.

That part of this whole mess is finally starting to feel real, I guess.

I almost didn’t wanna believe those results when I saw them for the first time. And hell, I barely even understood them. There were all these letters and numbers and stuff about ‘alleles’ that meant nothing to me…

But right there at the bottom of the page, I saw it. ‘Probably of Paternity: 99.99%’. And that’s the part that meant everything.

Having to tell our parents about it was… hard. Our families have no idea what happened, obviously. There’s no way in hell we could ever tell them. All they know is that Gigi’s pregnant and we’re coming back home.

Gigi’s parents were pretty excited about it, actually. Her older sister already decided she didn’t want kids a long time ago. So this is their only chance for grandchildren, I guess.

My parents though… Well, honestly none of them seem thrilled.

I figured they’d be happy I’m coming home, after all that blubbering when I left. But even leaving the huge mess out of it, they all know this wasn’t part of the plan. And they know how important coming to Brindleton Bay was to me.

But they’ll never know how much it really meant, in the end. No one else can ever understand what I found here… Or what I lost either. Just me.

And it’s something I’ll have to live with forever.

Like I said before, I don’t wanna sit here feeling sorry for myself. It just… sucks. Worse than anything else in my life ever has.

And it’s not just about Lola. I’ve lost so much more than just her. My dream school. Addy and Niko. And Gigi too.

When I first came here, it seriously felt like I was on top of the world. My whole life was ahead of me. I was happy, and excited. I had everything.

But right now, it feels like I have nothing.