LAKE FOREST, IL—Saying he was not the least bit surprised to see the former member of the congregation again, pastor James Bower told reporters Thursday that he always knew agnostic local resident Chris Parker would come crawling back to the church to get married. “I believe Chris stopped attending services when he was about 12 and hasn’t set foot in the church since, but guess who finally came around? And just months before the ceremony, no less,” said Bower, adding that Parker just showed up after 15 years of absence with hat in hand to reserve the Calvary United Church and beg the pastor to officiate, exactly how the Presbyterian minister reportedly predicted it would happen. “Chris probably thought he’d seen the last of this place, but now he’s here, right on schedule, tail between his legs, introducing me to his fiancée. They always come back, every last one of them.” Bower confirmed that he does not expect to see the agnostic for another year or two, but guaranteed that Parker would eventually be back on his hands and knees to baptize his baby.

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