OFFSEASON

At the team’s annual holiday swap everyone brought the same set of gray hand towels and half of these towels were left behind at the reception hall where the holiday work party took place. They also signed a catcher named “Nick.”

Manager: Walt Weiss

Walt William Weiss continues to try to get his players to call him “World Wide Weiss,” but hasn’t had much luck. He’s hoping to maybe grow a goatee midseason.

C: Nick Hundley

Nick Hundley is following one person on twitter and has ten followers. His account is unverified. He has yet to tweet yet. He’ll probably sweat too much at some point and then drink a lot of Gatorade.

1B: Justin Morneau

Justin Morneau will get traded to the Mariners for an Amazon gift card and hopefully Todd Helton will come out of retirement in order to strain his groin in his first post-retirement at-bat.

2B: DJ LeMahieu

DJ LeMahieu will only hit .172 in April thanks to a sub .200 BABIP (batting average on balls in play). The team will send him down to the minors. He will briefly misplace is glove after he is recalled.

SS: Troy Tulowitzki

Troy Tulowitzki should probably hit .400 this year. It’s unlikely with all these advanced shifting mechanisms not to mention the glove technology. In 1941, when Ted Williams hit .400 everyone was basically using a shoe as a glove.

3B: Nolan Arenado

Speaking of gloves, Nolan Arenado usually brings his to the field and is really good at doing a bunch of neat glove plays. One time he did a play so neat his dad high-fived himself unconscious.

LF: Corey Dickerson

While we’re on the subject of dads, I want to take a second and say hello to Corey Dickerson’s father who probably has a google alert set up for his son, but I also want to let you know statistically speaking (as a white male American athlete) your son has probably been a terrible human being most of his life. Most likely a huge racist. But whatever. Go Rockies!

CF: Charlie Blackmon

Charlie Blackmon is another example of someone who is probably terrible at being a human being, but he tries to hide it by wearing a beard. He grew up in Georgia so there’s a chance he’s jerked off to highlights of Jeff Francoeur

RF: Carlos Gonzalez

Carlos Gonzalez probably deserves more money, but the Rockies don’t want to give him more money even though he bought a new house. Poor Carlos doesn’t know what to do. The Rockies will end up doing something stupid like trading Carlos and then replacing him with a snowman.

BENCH

Their bench is decent. They’re led by Wilin “Sandwich Pockets” Rosario. He’s called “Sandwich Pockets” because he always has at least three or four sandwiches in his pockets at all times. Another guy on the bench is Drew “No Sandwich” Stubbs. Drew Stubbs is basically the opposite of Wilin Rosario because he is allergic to sandwiches.

STARTING PITCHERS

Kyle Kendrick

Kyle Kendrick has been playing baseball for most of his life, but when he was younger he wanted to be a plastic GI Joe figure when he grew up which is why he always looks forward to Kyle Kendrick bobblehead night.

Jordan Lyles

Everyone Jordan Lyles went to high school with got shot in the face once and now none of them have faces. Technically, this didn’t happen, but you never know. Especially these days with the internet!

Tyler Matzek

Tyler Matzek got sleepy recently, but he also was hungry. He wasn’t sure what to do. He tried to google it, but he was too hungry and sleepy to do google. Anyway, he’ll be okay. He has at least two pillows which is better than me. I only have one.

Eddie Butler

Eddie Butler is related to this other guy named Eddie who used to do baseball in Minnesota. No wait, never mind. I was thinking of a different Eddie. Anyway, Eddie Butler is struggling currently with life. Every night when he goes home he never knows what to post as his facebook status.

Jorge De La Rosa

At some point Jorge De La Rosa will return from the disabled list and Christian Bergman will move to the bullpen but while he’s in the starting rotation he plans to make the most of it by doing at least one selfie of himself each inning. His new selfie stick allows him to take a selfie while he’s throwing.

BULLPEN

LaTroy Hawkins is almost older than my dad was when my dad was forty-two. I’m a little disappointed the Rockies didn’t sign Terry Mulholland to pair with Hawkins in their bullpen. They did sign John Axford. He’ll probably drink a lot of cold brew coffee this season and ride around on a fixed gear.

THE FUTURE

It’s hard to believe the Rockies once didn’t exist and when they were contemplating names almost chose, “The Buffaloes.” Some people think the Rockies will struggle on the baseball field this year, but maybe they won’t. Going into the year, the team rallying cry has been, “Maybe we won’t be bad this year.” It’s hard to say. You never know with a team like the “almost-buffaloes.” If they are good this year please give me credit for saying maybe they would be good.

PREDICTION

The Colorado Rockies will win more games than the Nuggets and Broncos combined, but it’s unlikely any of the Rockies’ players will be invited to Peyton Manning’s birthday party.