1) Hibernian 5–6 Heart of Midlothian (January 1, 1940)

Football commentators have always talked arrant poppycock. Ever since the very first days of wireless communication, the voices of soccer on radio and television have sent a constant stream of nonsense, bull, flannel and mummery over the airwaves. It's what they do. Most of the time this causes heartache and pain, as the viewer or listener, ground down by their guide's flat-out inability to clearly describe what's going on in front of their very noses, debates whether to put the screen of their set through, or lance their receiver out the window of their moving car (which they may be momentarily considering driving over the edge of the nearest cliff). Yet, of course, there have been times when the ersatz art of terrible commentary has had its uses.

None more so than on New Year's Day 1940, during the wartime Scottish Regional League East Division Edinburgh derby. It was a foggy day, and Easter Road was enveloped in a pea-souper. Had the fixture been planned during peacetime, the game would have been abandoned: the players, referee, and 14,000 paying spectators could see no further than ten feet in front of them. But this was not peacetime, and with the match due to be broadcast on the wireless for the entertainment of soldiers contributing to the war effort overseas, it was decided that a postponement might provide the Nazis with detailed weather conditions in Edinburgh.

And so it was that BBC commentator Bob Kingsley was ordered to commentate on the match as though it was a clear sunny day. After scratching his head awhile Kingsley set in place a series of runners between his commentary box and the pitch, in a futile attempt to ascertain what the hell was going on. It soon became clear that this elaborate system of Chinese whispers had no chance of providing an accurate summary of events, so Kingsley simply went off on an elaborate freeform jazz riff, inventing a fantastical comic-book match packed with outrageous mazy dribbles, superlative goals, incomprehensible saves, near misses and fights.

The truth, however, is stranger than arrant poppycock. Kingsley's flights of fancy have been lost to the ether, but never mind, because the actual match itself was an insane rollercoaster in any case. The score at half-time was 3-2 to Hibs. Or it was until the referee realised he had blown up after 43 minutes. The other 120 seconds were played, during which, naturally, Hearts scored twice. In the second period, the men in maroon extended their lead to 5-3, only for Hibs to haul themselves level at 5-5 with John Cuthbertson completing a hat-trick. Sadly for the home side, it was all in vain, as Tommy Walker – who would later star in England for Chelsea – scored in the last minute to secure an outlandish 6-5 win. Neither Kingsley nor the servicemen abroad had any idea what had gone on, but then neither did most of the 14,000 crowd, many of whom were only informed that the match had finished 10 minutes after the final whistle.

2) QPR 3–0 Manchester United (January 1, 1974)

There's a case to be made that George Best was the best player in the world during the second half of the 1960s. How quickly he fell from grace; by the early 1970s, still a young man, he was little more than a corpulent travesty. In the summer of 1972 he retired from football, aged 26, to sun himself in Marbella. He quickly returned to Manchester United, but missed training so often he was soon transfer listed, a move by the club that led to more pram-toy divestment, and another retirement.

Tommy Docherty was persistent, though, and lured Best back to Old Trafford again in September 1973. He played 12 times between his return and the end of the year, scoring two goals, though like struggling United, was operating nowhere near his pomp. On New Year's Day, United travelled to Loftus Road, where they were taught a footballing lesson by Queen's Park Rangers. "Stan Bowles, turning effortlessly and consistently past Martin Buchan, gave the match the sort of individual appeal that once drew crowds in their thousands to watch George Best," noted the legendary David Lacey in this paper, with some sadness. "Best was playing yesterday, heavily bearded and slightly portly, producing half remembered tricks but all the time lacking the burst of speed that used to take him away from danger once he had beaten his man. Seldom can he have been caught in possession so often, though to his credit he could not be faulted for lack of effort."

However, Best then failed to show up for work in the immediate aftermath of the QPR debacle. "He could be ill," was Docherty's assistant Paddy Crerand's unconvincing argument. "Because it is Best and because it has happened before, a great many people think there may be something seriously wrong again. In fact he could be ill or there could be some other reasonable explanation." Best said he had an agreement with Docherty, who had promised him, "If you have a night out and miss training, you'll have to come back and do it in the afternoon. But no one will ever know about it. It will stay between you and me, I promise you."

Nobody found out – except the readers of most of Britain's newspapers, who were mysteriously leaked the story. Best, having trained in the afternoon and then turned up as normal the next day, thought everything was fine. But when he then arrived at 2.30pm for the Saturday FA Cup tie against Plymouth, he was dropped. Docherty said publicly that it was because of poor form; Best said Docherty told him it was because he had missed training and that "I can't let it be seen that you are bigger than me." Best swore that he would never again play for a "liar"; after two more no-shows, United suspended him and put him on the transfer list.

Best – "little more than a sad parody of the player he was," ran Lacey's lament – soon left United for good, the game at QPR having been his last in the shirt that made him famous. By the time the month was out, he had retired from football again, and for good measure had been arrested for stealing the reigning Miss World's fur coat. He was later cleared of that charge, but everyone involved was on a downward spiral. Best returned to football before the end of the season, but only at Dunstable Town. United, meanwhile, were relegated.

3) Sheffield United 11–2 Cardiff City (January 1, 1926)

In last week's Joy of Six, when contemplating some outlandish scores in Christmas fixtures of the past, we asked the hard-hitting journalistic questions. Was everyone half cut on booze? Did players stagger through Christmas paggered on egg nog? As you'd expect from your scoop-sniffin' Joy of Six, we couldn't provide any answers. Though we have our suspicions. Anyway, this week we're at it again. We've no proof that Cardiff City got banjaxed, flootered and jiggered on New Year's Eve 1925. But take a look at what happened the day after.

"The Sheffield United forwards displayed remarkable shooting ability on a heavy ground," reported the Manchester Guardian of Cardiff's record defeat, an 11-2 reverse at Bramall Lane, a scoreline that stains their roll of honour to this day. "The early play did not suggest such a complete downfall of the Cardiff City defence, in which Blair reappeared after a long absence. After Gillespie and Boyle had got through for Sheffield, Cardiff attacked strongly and W Davies scored, but from that point the home team went right ahead. Johnson and Mercer (2) put on goals before the interval, and on resuming Johnson (twice), Mercer, Gillespie, Boyle and Tunstall adding to the already strong advantage. Len Davies replied for Cardiff."

Anyone can have a bad day at the office, of course, but the result is worth putting into context. First – and perhaps most shockingly – the match was a repeat of the previous season's tight FA Cup final. That game had been a deserved, albeit slender, win for United. "Gillespie the hero of a quiet final," was the Manchester Guardian's take on the matter. It was a "disappointing" match, opined the paper's Special Correspondent, but United captain Billy Gillespie stood out. "If the Football Association were to appoint a National Instructor in Football Artistry, Gillespie at the moment would be the popular candidate for the position." Tunstall scored the only goal of the game, but even that, according to Special Correspondent, was down to Gillespie. "The opinion that it is Gillespie who makes Tunstall received ample proof today."

Cardiff, for their part, "must have played one of their worst games of the season ... During the interval, the combined bands of the Irish Guards and the RAF marched round the field playing in a fashion that elicited the greatest cheer of the afternoon, and then, facing the main stand, played the Welsh national anthem, to the accompaniment of thousands of Welsh voices that did not reach the volume attained at rugby international games in Wales. The supporters of Cardiff were too much impressed by the inferiority of their team to be in high spirits, and when the second half began, the play was not calculated to make them believe a happier time was coming. The last tune from the bands was Pack Up Your Troubles, but the Welsh players and their supporters found their worries increasing and could not smile."

United were the form horse, then, admittedly. But a nine-goal difference? It's worth noting that, ahead of Cardiff's capitulation, there were only three points between the clubs in the league table. United would win the return fixture at Ninian Park, but only by a single goal. And perhaps most damningly of all is the stat that proves Cardiff simply weren't usually hindered by the sort of threadbare defence likely to ship 11 goals. Factoring out this one pathetic meltdown in a 42-game season, Carfiff had the fourth best defensive record in the entire division, bettered only by Liverpool, runners-up Arsenal and champions Huddersfield Town. We ask you this: were Cardiff half cut on booze? Did their players stagger through the new year paggered on egg nog?

4) Rangers 8–1 Celtic (January 1, 1943)

The record victory in an Old Firm match came in the 1957 League Cup final. Rangers were the reigning league champions, and the hot favourites to beat Celtic, who were in the middle of the leanest spell in their history, having only won four trophies since 1938 (though admittedly one of those was the previous season's League Cup). Still, Rangers were expected to win easily. And when the Joy of Six trots out lines like that, you know exactly how it's going to go.

On a blistering October day, Celtic ran out 7-1 winners, the biggest winning margin in any British cup final, and a club-record defeat for Rangers. The result would be immortalised in a tweaking of Harry Belafonte's contemporaneous calypso hit Island In The Sun: "Oh Hampden in the sun/ Celtic seven, Rangers one." Billy McPhail was Celtic's hero of the day with a hat-trick; the defender John Valentine, recently signed from Queen's Park, was the lumbering patsy who copped the flak for Rangers, never playing for the club again. (Celtic's Bobby Collins, who would later play/start fights for Everton and Leeds, quickly got Valentine's number that day, sensing trouble between the centre half and his goalkeeper George Niven: "They had no faith in themselves, something you can sense very quickly on a football field, and inevitably the game became a rout.")

The humiliated Rangers boss that day was Scot Symon, so it is with a pleasing symmetry that Symon was a player in the other record victory in an Old Firm match. Because while Celtic's 7-1 win is the biggest win in official competition, Rangers went one better in an unofficial wartime Scottish Southern League ne'erday game between the two rivals in 1943. An Ibrox crowd of just over 30,000 watched a strong Rangers side including Symon, George Young and the legendary winger Willie Waddell rattle up an 8-1 victory.

Torry Gillick was the hat-trick hero, though his goals wouldn't be the major talking point of the match. Rangers were already 3-1 up at the start of the second half when Young scored from the halfway line. Celtic were incensed at the award of Young's goal, and surrounded the referee with the express intention of discussing the finer points of the offside law. Celtic's Malky McDonald's robust debating technique was not to the referee's liking, and he was directed to the stands. Celtic having lost the place, Matt Lynch soon followed his pal. Down to nine, the visitors capitulated, conceding four more. It was the sort of result that today would cause a small lesion in the space-time continuum, but Celtic were all over the shop at the time, having lost seven Old Firm games on the bounce, the papers of the day worrying that the low crowd at Ibrox was a sign that the rivalry was losing some of its box-office appeal. Some chance, eh?

(It would be remiss not to acknowledge that New Year at Ibrox will forever be synonymous with the tragedy of January 2 1971, when 66 fans were killed in a crush on Stairway 13 as crush barriers collapsed after the final whistle - and not, as myth has it, as a knock-on effect of Colin Stein scoring a late equaliser that fateful day. Hugh McIlvanney's report for the following day's Observer remains a powerful, and painful, read: "The fierce bigotry bred into the supporters of Rangers and Celtic yielded to a deep concern. There is something unbearably arbitrary about a crowd disaster. Wives waiting at home to nag husbands for staying too long with their pals at the game found themselves worried only that they would be able to come home some time. 'Can you imagine all the mothers who will be waiting for these kids?' a large policeman said. 'You think the worst that could happen to them is that they might get a scalp from one of the other side who did not like their face. And then this happens.'")

5) Liverpool 2–1 Manchester United (January 1, 1966)

Manchester United didn't begin the defence of the title they won in 1964-65 particularly well. Come early October, they were languishing in 13th place, while Liverpool – whose title United had made off with – were in second, a point behind early leaders Sheffield United but with a game in hand. Matt Busby's side clearly decided it was time to get their gamefaces on, because when Liverpool arrived at Old Trafford, they put in "the best collective performance" Guardian writer Eric Todd had seen all season. George Best, in imperious mood, gave United an early lead, with Denis Law adding a second before half time. The second half was a non-event, the mood having been soured by fighting at half time which saw windows broken and a bobby's helmet knocked clean off his head. "Manchester United in fine form," ran the Guardian headline, with the standfirst providing the punchline: "Spectators' behaviour not in keeping."

United were thrashed 5-1 by Tottenham Hotspur in their next game, but after that went on a ten-game unbeaten run, during which – you'll like this – they thrashed Tottenham Hotspur 5-1. All of which wheeched them up the table to third, five points behind leaders Liverpool with two games in hand. Next in line, on New Year's Day? Liverpool at Anfield.

United's momentum sent them into an early lead, Law scoring after only two minutes. But Liverpool were on a high too, Gordon Milne having scored a late winner at Leeds three days before. The atmosphere in Anfield was electric – the gates were closed on a crowd of nearly 54,000 nearly an hour before kick-off – and it pushed the hosts forward. In the 39th minute, Tommy Smith ludicrously nutmegged George Best, who according to Todd "seemed slower than usual. Perhaps he was weighed down by his mane, the profusion of which would have prompted Delilah to put Samson on the waiting list for a short back and sides if they all had been contemporaries." Smith later admitted that he "didn't know what to do, whether to shout YES! or pass it to one of the other lads." In the event, he mishit a shot which nevertheless crept past Harry Gregg.

Liverpool spent the rest of the match looking for the winner, but a combination of Ian St John's profligacy and Gregg's brilliance looked to have denied them. "With the score 1-1, the Kop itself was as near mute as ever it will be as Liverpool tried every stratagem to break down a superbly organised United defence," reported Todd. "This obviously was going to be a safebreaking job, and if it were done, then it were best done quietly." And so it was that, with two minutes to go, Milne repeated his heroics at Leeds with a late winner, deflecting a Gerry Byrne piledriver into the net. The Kop exploded in delight, their lead at the top extended, United's unbeaten run ended. It was a crucial result in the title race, the prize eventually ending back at Anfield, 10 points separating the two great rivals.

6) Newcastle United 9–2 Liverpool (January 1, 1934)

George Best isn't the only club legend from the north west to see the writing on the wall on a New Year's Day. Elisha Scott was the goalkeeper in, and star of, Liverpool's back-to-back title-winning teams of the early 1920s. But by the end of the decade he was fighting for his spot with newcomer Arthur Riley. Scott would battle with Riley for his place for six seasons, but by the 1933-34 season, which saw Liverpool fight a desperate battle against relegation, the jig looked up.

Scott traded places with Riley for much of that season, but his last stint as the first-choice keeper was nothing short of disastrous. In a 10-game period around the turn of the year, Liverpool won only once with Scott keeping guard of the net. Relegation looked likely. The low point was reached on New Year's Day, with Liverpool suffering a possibly-on-the-pop thumping at Newcastle, in front of a hungover crowd of just 17,000.

Scott picked the ball out of his net nine times – Liverpool lost 9-2 – though to be fair, the legendary Irishman was absolved of blame in the Guardian. "But for fine work by Scott, who was entirely blameless on what must have been one of his most unhappy afternoons, Newcastle's score would have run well into double figures," this paper reported. "Three of the goals were scored by Sam Weaver, who is quickly making as big a name for himself at inside forward as he had previously gained as an international half-back."

Despite avoiding the pelters for this humiliation, Scott only played six more games for Liverpool, finally bowing out in a 2-0 defeat at Chelsea. After that, Riley resumed in goal, Liverpool winning five games – including a 6-2 hammering of Middlesbrough and a 4-1 skelping of Birmingham City – as they avoided relegation by three places and four points. Scott left for Belfast Celtic, and remains Liverpool's longest-serving player, having been at the club since 1912.

As for 9-2 New Year's Day winners Newcastle United? They were relegated, of course, for the first time in their history. You know how these Newcastle stories go by now.