HAMILTON, ON—Why make one terrible decision when you can make two?

Earlier this week, the Hamilton Tiger-Cats CFL team thought it would be neat to hire Art Briles as assistant head coach, despite the fact that he'd been fired from Baylor University for mishandling multiple instances of sexual assault. The Ticats' managers quickly retracted the decision after significant public outcry.

Today, a spokesperson for the Ticats says thankfully, the team expects no such backlash, just none whatsoever, to this morning's unveiling of their brand new mascot, Gropey The Tiger.

"Should be a pretty quiet day," explains PR manager Whalen Roundtree.

"I'm just gonna fire off this press release introducing Gropey The Tiger and hopefully I can get outta the office by 3 or 4. Beat traffic."

According to several anonymous sources who work as stadium ushers at Tim Hortons Field and observed the new mascot rehearsing its moves during a recent Ticats pratice, Gropey The Tiger is a neon orange monstrosity clad in the "douchiest sunglasses imaginable" as well as a tight-fitting tank top.

"But really the thing about him is his paws," shudders one of the sources. "He ambles up and down the stadium steps during a game and just kind of indiscriminately feels up people in the crowd."

A second source chimes in, "You might be sitting there watching the game, happily reaching into your bag of caramel corn, when suddenly you feel a huge furry intrusion happily reaching into your shirt. That's Gropey. He's just relentless."

While Gropey The Tiger is often met with swats and cries of "Hey! Get the hell away from me!" his default response is to take approximately 45 seconds to execute an excruciatingly slow shrug, bringing his gross shoulders all the way up to his creepy ears, and then back down again. He will then often initiate a high-five, though generally he's flatly rejected.

"We'll get Gropey out to all the games this season," Roundtree shares, his feet up on his desk like a man who hasn't a care in the world, and can't foresee having a care in the world at any point today.

"You know, hype up the crowds by making 'em deeply uncomfortable and weirded out!"

At press time, Roundtree shared that Gropey The Tiger was the clear winner during the team's recent mascot brainstorming session designed to help boost fan morale. Other contenders included The Hamilton Tiger-Catcaller and Smiley The Leopard, who would exclusively approach female fans during a game and demand that they smile more.

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