24 SHARES Share Tweet

Today is Presidents Day. Which means one thing for our readership: trivia!

Who doesn’t love trivia? We’ll tell you who — assholes. Total fuckin’ assholes with no desire for knowledge. So, total dumb fuckin’ assholes, we guess, is more accurate. But, we digress.

To celebrate today being Presidents Day, we decided to give you an appropriate number of trivia facts about the men who have held the highest office in the land. So we have compiled 44 facts about 44 presidents. Then someone reminded us that the White House currently has an orange douchebag occupying it, so we decided we’d go ahead and add one more trivia fact about him to our list, giving us…

45 Facts About 44 Presidents And 1 Orange Douchebag

#1. George Washington was literally incapable of telling a lie because of a legal injunction placed on him in 1745 by the Judge Wapner of The People’s Court. Also had a big wooden dildo called “The Constitution.”

#2. John Adams once smoked so much pot he decided to change the country’s motto from E Pluribus Unum to “With My Mind On My Money, And My Money On My Mind.”

#3. Thomas Jefferson is credited for writing the Declaration of Independence, but he always considered writing the first Knock-Knock joke more important to his legacy; also he raped his slaves repeatedly.

#4. James Madison’s wife Dolly wrote the book for the smash hit Broadway musical “Hello Dolly,” which is ironic because Barbara Streisand is a distant cousin of Mortimer Madison, Dolly’s second cousin, twice removed on her Aunt Bessy’s side.

#5. James Monroe was widely considered the country’s sexiest president named James, which angered President Madison and caused a chilly rift in their relationship.

#6. John Quincy Adams was the inspiration for Carly Simon’s song “You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Song Is About You.”

#7. Andrew Jackson was a blood thirsty, genocidal cunt. Which explains why he started the Blood Thirsty Genocidal Cunt Party, which Steve Bannon is a member of to this very day.

#8. Martin Van Buren was president during the great Fart Boom of 1839, when for a brief moment the nation’s top fuel source was its butt holes.

#9. William Henry Harrison was the first president to dance the Macarena.

#10. John Tyler was a founding member of the musical group Hanson, and wrote the original lyrics for “MmmBop.”

#11. James K. Polk was voted the third sexiest president named James.

#12. Zachary Taylor was one of the kid stars of the show “Home Improvement” staring Tim Allen.

#13. Millard Filmore really fucking hated it when his classmates made duck sound when he’d walk by and called him “Mallard Filmore.”

#14. Franklin Pierce coined the phrase “Killing two birds with one stone” when he smashed two birds’ heads open using the same rock.

#15. James Buchanan was known to his pals as “Bucky” and he invented the split-fingered fastball.

#16. Abraham Lincoln is one of the country’s least written about or studied presidents, check back next year after we’ve had time to research this guy a little more.

#17. Andrew Johnson came just one vote away from being removed from office, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying peach mint tea from time to time.

#18. Ulysses S. Grant was the first winner of “Dancing With The Stars.”

#19. Rutherford B. Hayes has the most old timey sounding name of all the presidents.

#20. James A. Garfield really hated Mondays, but was a big fan of lasagna. Sexiest president named James.

#21. Chester A. Arthur was the first and only president to attempt and pull off the triple sow-cow with a twist of lime at the 1983 Summer Olympics held at the car wash on the corner of Grand and Ash Ave.

#22. Grover Cleveland was one of the original cast members of “3-2-1 Contact.”

#23. Benjamin Harrison liked to be called Jammin’ Ben and he laid down tasty licks on his guitar all the live long day.

#24. Grover Cleveland took time off between his first term to learn the ancient art of jujitsu and is still one of the highest ranked martial artists of all time.

#25. William McKinley was the first person to use little scraps of wood and paper to start a bigger fire, hence why we still call it McKindling to this very day.

#26. Theodore Roosevelt was known as “Teddy” to many, but he actually hated the name and preferred it when people called him Shits Willington instead.

#27. William Howard Taft was a candy magnate who started the company Laffy Tafty, which of course everyone knows eventually became Life Savers.

#28. Woodrow Wilson loved to make inappropriate sexual remarks about his penis, which he quite predictably called, “My Penis.”

#29. Warren G. Harding is credited as having the most corrupt administration in history, or, well, second most, now.

#30. Calvin Coolidge did not invent the refrigerator as many believe, but he did write the classic crank call line, “Is your fridge running? You better go catch it then!”

#31. Herbert Hoover the sexiest president named Herbert, or Hoover, for that matter.

#32. Franklin D. Roosevelt did not suffer from polio as many have been taught; he played water polo from a wheelchair though, which explains the confusion.

#33. Harry S. Truman has an evil twin brother called Harry S. Falseman.

#34. Dwight D. Eisenhower once ate his weight in Chicken McNuggets.

#35. John F. Kennedy was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, but ironically it was the day after he absolutely killed during his feature spot at the Comedy Store in La Jolla.

#36. Lyndon B. Johnson had the world’s largest “Superman” comic book collection, but would only wear Batman Underoos as a matter of national security.

#37. Richard Nixon went to China, and he also went to Baskin Robbins and got three scoops of rainbow sherbet the day he resigned from office in disgrace.

#38. Gerald Ford was the only president to never be elected either as president or vice-president, but he was elected Class Clown and Most Likely To Be Named Gerald Ford in high school.

#39. Jimmy Carter grew peanuts on his farm before becoming president, but his favorite nut is Sarah Palin.

#40. Ronald Reagan liked to prank Tip O’Neil by calling him and pretending to be O’Neil’s doctor, giving him a diagnosis of full-blown AIDS.

#41. George H.W. Bush liked to grab dat ass.

#42. Bill Clinton smoked pot but didn’t inhale, however he was a fan of shooting up black tar heroin right there in the Oval Office, with everyone watching.

#43. George W. Bush could almost spell his last name all by himself if you gave him a “B-U-S” head start.

#44. Barack Hussein Obama personally piloted the last drone strike of his presidency, taking out a computer that was broadcasting the names of all the bankers that were never held accountable for crashing our economy in 2008.

#45. Donald Trump is a serial sexual predator, likely rapist, confirmed racist, and he enjoys Russian whores’ piss and thoughts of fucking his daughter, Ivanka. NOT Tiffany. GROSS.

Satire can also be found on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More Satire: