There are two celebrity Robot Wars specials this Christmas with four celebs on each episode. (Though some come in a pair.)

Wednesday 28th December at 8pm:

Robbie Savage, Jordan Stephens, Neil Oliver, Kadeena Cox

Thursday 29th December at 8pm:

Alistair & Jonny Brownlee, Dr. Maggie Aderin-Pocock, Suzi Perry, Scott Mills & Chris Stark

If you don’t recognise all of those names that’s probably because you don’t work as a booker for reality TV shows. Come with us as we delve into the world of D list celebrities…

Episode 1: Wednesday 28th December at 8pm

Robbie Savage

Robbie Savage was a football player who played for Wales. Now he occasionally pops up as a pundit.

He also played for Leicester City, Birmingham City and Blackburn Rovers. At his height Robbie managed to score 89 yellow cards. That was the most any player had ever managed in the history of the Premier League.. Despite that he was only actually sent off twice. One of those times he claimed it was totally unfair and threatened to appeal to the European Court of Human Rights over it. Judge for yourself by watching the incident below.

The “dirtiest player in history” (according to the Daily Mail) was also once fined £10,000 for using a referee’s toilet. Using the referee’s toilet is apparently a sleight against the referee, something the FA take’s seriously (as like referees they are also wankers.)

He was frequently done for hand balling.

Robbie Savage will be playing with Team Thor.

Jordan Stephens

Most famous for 2012 hit Mama Do The Hump, Jordan Stephens is one half of the hip hop duo Rizzle Kicks.

Since then they’ve toured, produced a bit more music and both gone solo. Jordan’s solo name is ‘Wildhood.’

Jordan Stephens also appeared as a main character for eight episodes in Channel 4 show Glue. Him and his buddy have written a comedy and hope to get it made and star in it. Good luck with that, it sounds terrible.

He’ll be competing with Terrorhurtz.

Neil Oliver

Neil Oliver is a historian and archeologist who’s presented a number of shows for the BBC and Channel 4. Most notably the show ‘Coast’ about the British coastline. It sounds riveting.

Neil lives in Renfrewshire so it’ll be only a short drive for him to the Robot Wars Arena in Glasgow. There is a spoof of Neil showing you round his home town of Glasgow on YouTube which I found very enjoyable:

Neil will be with Team Shockwave.

Kadeena Cox

Two years ago Kadeena Cox was vying for a place on the Team GB Skeleton team when she was rushed to the hospital with odd symptons. She had suffered a stroke and shortly afterwards was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Her chance of competing in the Winter Olympics was over forever.

You can see the adorable Yorkshire lass talking about her illness last year and her thoughts of maybe becoming a Paralympian here. Little did she realise how sucessful she would be.

In Rio this year she entered both running and cycling events in the Paralympics. She got a gold in the 400m, a bronze in 100m and with her team won silver in the relay. She also won bronze in the C4-5 cycling time trial. She runs in the T38 Paralympic catagory which is for athletes with coordination impairments such as cerebral palsy, hypertonia, ataxia and athetosis. For the closing ceremony she was selected as the flagbearer for Team GB.

Kadeena is competing with Team Pulsar.

Episode 2: Thursday 29th December at 8pm

Alistair & Jonny Brownlee

More Yorkshire athletes up next this time as a pair. The brothers are triathletes (running, swimming and cycling.)

Older brother Alistair is the slightly more accomplished of the pair winning Gold in both London and Rio. Jonny won Bronze and then Silver.

The pair are most famous for the heartwarming and controversial moment in the World Triathlon Series in Mexico. Jonny was seriously faltering towards the end of the race and looked like he was on the brink of collapse. Alistair stopped and helped his brother to finish, literally pushing him over the line where he fell on the floor finishing second. Alistair finished third but would have most likely won the race if he hadn’t stopped to help his bro.

Let’s hope they bring none of that compassion to the Robot Wars arena. They are competing with Team Sabretooth.

Dr. Maggie Aderin-Pocock

Dr Maggie’s longest held and most sought after ambition is to go into space.

This ambition motivated her to become an accomplished scientist. She’s worked on everything from handheld landmine detectors and missile warning systems to spectrographs for giant telescopes and observational instruments for satellites. Recently however she’s turned her towards science communication. (Basically being a TV presenter for science shows.) She’s been presenting The Sky at Night as well as one off shows like Do We Really Need the Moon? (Spoiler: Yes)

Personally, I find her very annoying. Witness how much she manages to talk about herself in what’s supposed to be a two minute presentation on mass-energy equivalence.

She’ll be competing with Dantomkia.

Suzi Perry

Gadgets, bikes, sport, game shows and Formula One. Suzi Perry has presented everything.*

According to the Daily Mail Suzi was the first celebrity bride to ever share her wedding photos on Twitter. This occured only back in 2009.

The 39-year-old said: ‘Immediately after the wedding we were looking at the pictures and I said, “Let’s tweet them, then everyone can share our great day.”

And thus she started a unstoppable trend of happy people sharing joyous moments in their lives to the general annoyance of the people that see them whilst waiting for their microwave meal for one to finish cooking.

Suzi will be competing with Supernova.

*I even have it in my brain that she presented Robot Wars for a series. Obviously I’m a moron as that isn’t true. Unless it occured in a year of all our lives that was wiped from our minds for some high concept sci fi reason. More likely I’m just a retard.

DJ’s Scott Mills and Chris Stark

Urgh, I’ve already written about these two bellends here.

They’ll be competing with Dave Mould’s Carbide.