I walked up to a girl recently and very calmly and politely said to her…

“I’d like a McDouble, a small fries and a medium coffee with cream and sugar.”

That may not sound like much of an opening line, but she did the open mouth thing and briefly pushed her hair back a little. I just smiled at her, repeated my order and raised my brows a little and the blush was spectacular. You see it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. The trick is quite simple to the delivery of such an everyday line creating such instant gina tingle…

…I have a New Zealand accent.

It’s so good it should be illegal.

(come see the majestic fjords)

If you’re a long time reader you’ll know that I was born and lived in New Zealand for the first 24 years of my life before moving to the United States to be married to Jennifer. I’ve been living here fore 15 years now. For those playing the home game and not math challenged, I am easily worked out to be 39. My accent has definitely softened over the years, I used to have trouble ordering in restaurants etc (the solution was to order in an American accent) but now speak smoothly enough that I rarely have trouble with that.

But the Kiwi accent remains as a firm undertone to the way I talk. Jennifer naturally just doesn’t hear it anymore unless I purposely turn the Kiwi up and concentrate on it.

(ride the cable car in the beautiful capital city)

But to other American women it’s like catnip. Since I started being really aware of it and how women react to it, it’s actually started being amusing watching the gina tingle just kick in with basic conversations. I’m not even trying to hit on someone and I get the hips turning towards me, the hair twirls and easy laughter. I seriously cannot shut the damn thing off.

(come see the lovely sheep)

A couple examples…

At one of my kids parent teacher nights, the young married teacher basically completely ignored me and talked quite directly to my wife as I sat quietly and let the conversation go between them. Then I opened my mouth and asked a question (I forget what it was) and it was like a switch was thrown and Mrs. Teach’s face lit up like a Christmas Tree. After that my wife was all but ignored for the rest of the meeting and I got a full hair taken down display from Mrs. Teach, easy laughter, a sudden jump up and sashay across the room to get some random piece my kid had done and a sashay back. All with my wife sitting next to me the whole time.

(see the worlds biggest syringe and bungee jump off it)

It’s really helpful as a male nurse getting a little extra help from female doctors once in a while. Especially if they only get to talk to me on the phone. I’m not ugly by any means, but I know I sound sexier than I look. I’ve rarely gotten the magical hotlines to male doctors, but get the secret extension to female ones far more frequently. “Oh Athol call me for anything”. Funny, all I heard was a subtle invitation to a game of Doctors and Nurses. But maybe that’s just me and my overconfidence with women kicking in, baby.

(enjoy the fine sports events)

My favorite female co-worker playfully told me off today that “I have too many women in my life”, and right after that I got a call from a hospital discharge planner who just dove into the “that’s an amazing accent where are you from…” and we had a mildly flirty conversation while I held up a piece of paper saying “Too many women LOL” for my co-worker to read. And yes I admit I was doing that on purpose to frak with her a little too.

Anyway…

Now I know this all sounds like I’m full of myself, but I understand this effect really isn’t because I’m extra special, I’m just foreign. I’ve seen exactly the same thing happen with Americans going to New Zealand. They may look like they are blending in, but as soon as they open their mouths, opposite sex heads start swiveling en mass and focusing on the source of the accent. It’s the ultimate in verbal peacocking.

(a typical Kiwi girl)

My hunch is that something keys us into a foreign accent denoting that you are in fact a walking meat sack of non-local DNA, and a great source of new DNA to be mixed into the local gene pool. This makes you seem sexier than you in fact “really are”. In New Zealand I might be a pretty decent 7 or 8, over here I’m 8 pushing 9. Again, it’s not something I am trying to do, I’m just non-local. And non-local is sexy.

I’ve been in America for 15 years and not once, seriously, not even a single time has a male said to me “wow I like your accent”. On meeting a new female though, roughly one in three women will very obviously express “oh I love your accent..where are you from?” with a very obvious display of interest.

(also prostitution is legal in New Zealand, so everyone goes home a winner)