I’m not the man I used to be. Or rather, I’m not the boy I used to be. When I got to Wash. U. back in 2007, most of you were dancing to Ja Rule at bar mitzvahs, or whatever it is kids do these days. I myself arrived on this campus in the harsh middle years of late-onset puberty; I was a knobby exoskeleton with exactly six facial hairs to my name. But I soon grew into a man, almost doubled (!) my facial hair count and learned a fair amount about this dear school of ours. And here, my friends, is my last testament, the top most underrated things about Wash. U.

1) Psych Experiments. These babies pay $10 dollars an hour. I do five a week and it pays for my week’s worth of mimosas and pantyhose. You can sign up for a variety of times to fit your schedule at http://experimetrix.com/WU. They are always easy—sometimes awesome and sometimes boring. Amazing source of spending money for students with busy, unpredictable schedules.

2) Nude modeling in the art school. Um, yeah. Owed some people some money. Yeah. $20 dollars an hour, for a three hour studio. Highest paying campus job in the history of campus jobs. And that is why I no longer go to casinos.

3) The Gargoyle. Some way, somehow, those trendsetters at our very own campus concert venue (the Gargoyle, idiot) have a knack for bringing bands to WU that are on the brink of great fame and success. I have seen Animal Collective, Wolf Parade, Diplo, Cascada and Band of Horses there; acts such as Ben Kweller and Peter Bjorn and John have come in the past. And tickets are dirt cheap. My freshman year, a cop tasered some dude during a Girl Talk show in front of about 500 students. It was awesome.

4) The Music Library Reserves. The music library has AMAZING music reserves, specializing mostly in classic rock, jazz and classical music. I have found extremely interesting live CDs in there, and even a bunch of special edition re-issues and such. Here’s what you do: go on the “libraries” part of wustl.edu, search the Gaylord Music Library for whatever music you want, write down the call number, give it to the librarian, steal the music on your computer and return it. I walk in there on a nice Friday afternoon and turn into a straight up pirate for 2-3 hours. Right on campus property! Literally right there in the music library! And I’ll never get caught! Hey, librarian: I’M STEALING MUSIC RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Like I said, underrated.

5) Law School/Architecture Grad School Happy Hours. So I’m sitting in the Law School sophomore year reading on a Friday afternoon (took a break from music pirating), and the next thing I know, I am surrounded by cheese, crackers and beer. Within minutes, the entire main room is filled with people eating and drinking. So—and kids, don’t do this at home, especially if you’re from a strict immigrant family—*I got drunk*. Ended up making friends with this law guy from Omaha who talked to me for an hour about how he dated his TA in undergrad and fell in love with her and then she broke his heart and he hasn’t been the same for two years and went to law school to forget about her. You know what? Maybe you shouldn’t go after all; it’s kind of sad. But hey, can’t argue with free beer (Note: beer is $1 at Architecture Happy Hour).

6) The DUC shower. Second floor. *Offers the most spacious, private place to have sex on campus*. Also best place to get clean in the middle of the day. Some days you may need both. And, my young friends: That is always a good day.

7) MFA Readings in Hurst Lounge (in Duncker Hall). Maybe you want more out of college than sex and drugs. I know I do. I discovered that MFA (Master of Fine Arts) students studying creative writing have periodic showcase readings of their own stuff in this lounge. Wine and food generally provided. Just some amazing work out there, and the readings always bring an eclectic, interesting group of people from the Wash. U. community—generally not undergrad—together. Try it once or twice a semester. Even if you just go once or twice, I promise you will enjoy it. See the English department website for details.

8) Jazz at Holmes. My personal fave. Even more than the nude modeling. Every single week, there is an intimate jazz concert in Holmes lounge (the building next to Eads, where the carvery station is). Our school goes above and beyond to bring in amazing talent from the St. Louis area, all over the U.S., and even international people. Once or twice a year, a true jazz giant will come to WU for a special performance. The atmosphere and acoustics of Holmes are unrivaled by anywhere else on campus and it’s a great way to start your Thursday night, reflect on the ending week and the week ahead, and maybe even do some homework or read. It’s every Thursday during the semester from 8-10 p.m. And if you come by, say hi to me—I’m the guy drinking mimosas and wearing pantyhose.