Fox: Aristotle. All Melee stems from him: he is the forefather of the game. He’s incredibly versatile and can adopt a variety of playstyles. Noobs play him because they think he’ll make them good. But remember: quoting page 57 of Politics won’t get you an A on that Social Science midterm paper.

Falco: Plato. From the same world as Aristotle and nearly as influential, but often underused in today’s meta. Uses rushdown to control others’ thinking: there is no world but the one within the walls of lasers (Plato’s Allegory of the Cave).

Marth: Machiavelli. Princely, graceful, and cunning. Need not be physically aggressive to influence his enemies. A master of diplomacy and intrigue (read: stage presence and movement). But when it comes time, he will swing his sword and you will fall. Can have trouble controlling opponents once he gets too close (theory of conquered kingdoms).

Sheik: Confucius. Values patience, diligence, and political influence above aggression (can’t approach). The people will naturally come to you, and then you can control them. Used to be regarded as the best character, now believed to be overrated.

Puff: Hegel. Only uses two moves: bair, the Thesis; and rest, the Antithesis. These unite to form the Synthesis. It’s a cheap formula that no one has liked since the 1800s, but somehow it still works.

Peach: Karl Marx. Born into luxury, she yet labors in the fields and befriends proletariat plumbers. Mind-bogglingly slow and complicated when played for the first time, but in the hands of one who believes, can change the world.

Captain Falcon: Nietzsche. Matches are a cycle of momentum. Huge combos and stunning victories followed by stocks upon stocks of despair. Believes not in diplomacy, cunning, nor patience; only power. Thus, matchups are a predatory cycle: either you eat or get eaten. Some believe he could be the greatest character in the game, if only 20GX could get him across the abyss…

Ice Climbers: RIchard Nixon. Should never have been added to the game. Cheat their way to the top. But in the end, they won’t get away with it.