Name: Sexy emojis.

Appearance: Irresistible.

Age: That would be telling! *BLOWS YOU A KISS*

What? *BLOWS YOU A KISS*. You know, like what emoji people do.

Yes, I know. It’s annoying. Doesn’t it make you find me slightly more … attractive?

Your attractiveness has not changed. Oh. SAD LITTLE YELLOW FACE WITH A TEAR ON ITS CHEEK.

Why are you doing that? I can’t do emojis on my keyboard, so I just have to type. SAD LITTLE YELLO …

No, who gave you the idea that emojis would make me fancy you? Scientists.

Not them again. I’m afraid so. A study in Public Library of Science One says that people like us, who communicate only through short passages of writing, find it hard to reach deeper levels of intimacy.

Annoying people have the same problem, I believe. Yes. This study claims that emojis may bring more affective or emotional content into messages, which helps people who communicate by text feel closer to each other.

How did they work that out? They asked single people on dating apps whether they used emojis or emoticons. The ones who said they did were more successful than the others.

What do they mean “successful”? AUBERGINE PEACH AUBERGINE PEACH AUBERGI …

I see. Well you certainly communicated that very clearly. “Our findings suggest that emoji use with potential partners is associated with maintaining connection beyond the first date, and more romantic and sexual interactions over the previous year.”

Were they all as crude as you? I don’t know. The study didn’t look at their messages. The authors guess that “the graphical nature of emojis suggest they possess greater ability to convey the nuances of affective communication”.

So nuances are sexy? Maybe. SLY WINK

Look, you’re sweet, but I just don’t feel that way about you. You’re more like an irritating younger sibling, or a pet. Oh. Thanks.

Can’t you send piles of emojis to someone else instead? If the research is right, you will be up to your eyeballs in “success”. Well, this is only an association, sadly, so it may not work that way. As the study says: “We cannot determine whether more emoji use leads to more dates and sex or vice-versa.”

So it might be that emojis are more popular among already sexy people? It might.

I see. And we’ve not really used emojis much before between us, have we? No. That’s true. EXPRESSIONLESS FACE

Do say: “What could be sexier than a well-judged smile and a wink?”

Don’t say: “Correct spelling and punctuation. Maybe an Oxford comma at weekends.”