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Wednesday

Clad in windbreakers, leaders have arrived from the north and the east carrying offerings of pre-loaded credit cards and disaster relief. Here, they have beheld an afflicted citizenry tossed by tempest, humbled in deprivation, yet great in spirit. Within these city limits, meek zookeepers hath shouldered rifles and hip waders to subdue great beasts and rescue gentle creatures from certain death. Children and elders have toiled ceaselessly to move mountains of muck and debris. City crews have blazed new roads in under a day. Even our tabby cats have persisted valiantly against the foul surging waters.

Thursday

I have not rested, I have not napped, and my thumbs are sore from Tweeting. And yet, on this, the 27th day, I still paid my property taxes. Even the foulest forces of perdition shall not disrupt the normal course of our city business. But while I urge endurance, I implore Calgarians to not test what has already injured us. My handlers prevent me from directing vile nouns at those who would challenge the deadly river by canoe and rowboat, or from allowing them to be claimed by natural selection. So too, do I reserve scorn for those who would run petroleum-laden rail carriages over our flood-battered bridges. I am a benevolent mayor, but I can be a vengeful mayor. Do not stir my wrath with incaution.

Friday

The oracles say that Calgary’s great trial is but a vision of what is to come: Forevermore, the cities of the world shall contend with increased plagues of disaster and suffering. Although few will be spared, be not afraid of sudden disaster when the day comes that you are to hear of great storms and floods, for in Calgary we have met the spectre of decay and prevailed. We shall rebuild our walls, repair our streets and restore our foundations laid long ago. Where fig trees once stood, we will plant cedars. What was once potholed shall now be smooth. And above all; we will Stampede. But yea, this is no miracle and this is no act of providence. This is Calgary.

National Post

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