FADE IN:

EXT. PROLOGUE

A CAR speeds along a deserted country road as a HUGE SCREEN-FILLING CAPTION helpfully informs us the year is 1991. A motorcycle driven by SEBASTIAN STAN approaches as-

CAR DRIVER

HOLY SHIT WHO PUT A GIANT "1991" IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD

(veers wildly)

(crashes)

EXT. NIGERIA - PRESENT DAY

The AVENGERS have tracked down ULTIMATE PUNISHER FRANK GRILLO just as his gang steal a DEADLY VIRUS! Both sides SPLIT UP and FIGHT!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Remember, no using guns on me! Strictly hand-to-hand, bad guys!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Cool, I've got my own personal attack drone now! But it looks like a bird so it's all cute and family-friendly!

Meanwhile CHRIS EVANS goes mano-a-mano with CYBORG BANE FRANK GRILLO himself!

CHRIS EVANS

Why the fuck didn't we bring Vision along? He'd rip you ten new assholes without spilling his tea.

FRANK GRILLO

Oh come on, WHO would build a fight scene around a nigh-invincible flying demigod with laser beam powers, versus a tough guy in some armor? Where's the fucking suspense in that?!?

CHRIS EVANS

God you're right, that would SO TOTALLY SUCK. I'm glad to be in the MCU where people fight strictly within their weight class!

They FIGHT and FRANK GRILLO tries to BLOW THEM BOTH UP... until ELIZABETH OLSEN sticks FRANK in a telekinetic bubble and lifts him UP, UP, AND AWAY OH SHIT FORGOT THE "AWAY" PART SORRY BUILDING FULL OF PEOPLE WHOOPSIE

INT. COLLEGE PRESENTATION

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. shows off some new technology that allows him to share one of his MOST PAINFUL, INTIMATE MEMORIES with a roomful of random college kids.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

This was the last time I saw my parents before they died in a CAR CRASH. Hopefully you're too distracted by the cool CGI-younger-me effect to connect this to the CAR CRASH we saw only minutes ago.

(pause)

But turns out I've bared my soul for no reason, I'm just here to say FREE GRANT MONEY FOR EVERYONE!! Apparently having a CEO in constant mortal peril has been GREAT for business!

ROBERT leaves the stage and the SUPER-COOL HOLO-ILLUSION TECH is never mentioned again because this is M.I.T. and not the CALIFORNIA INSTITUTE OF THE ARTS where someone might have heard of CHEKHOV’S GUN.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hey, random person, you're Alfre Woodard! You've won awards and shit, you must be somebody cool, right?

ALFRE WOODARD

Kind of, I'm playing obscure hero GRIEVING-MOM-WOMAN!! Eat MOM GRIEF, asshole!!

(grief-slaps Robert)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Arrrghh it's true, my Ultron fuckup killed your son! Aw shit, I'm growing a conscience! Again! For like the fourth movie in a row!

INT. WILLIAM HURT'S MILITARY BASE

The AVENGERS are summoned by WILLIAM HURT, who after eight long years of scrubbing EDWARD NORTON STENCH off him has finally been allowed back in the MCU.

WILLIAM HURT

You guys have left a trail of devastation in your wake. Observe... New York: CATASTROPHIC DAMAGE. Washington: UNTOLD HUNDREDS DEAD. Sokovia: ENTIRE CITY DESTROYED. And most recently: PART OF ONE SIDE OF ONE BUILDING okay maybe we shouldn't have built up to the weakest example, but you get my point.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Do we get any credit for preventing the literal extinction of humanity not once but TWO TIMES?!?

WILLIAM HURT

Fuck no! You should realize the military has strict zero tolerance for collateral damage, regardless of context!

(pause)

Anyway. The United Nations wants to create a supervisory panel, so next time Earth is invaded by rampaging unstoppable aliens, they can meet and say "Yeah, go deal with that".

CHRIS EVANS

Wasn't it a civilian oversight body that fired a FUCKING NUKE at New York in Avengers 1? And yet WE'RE the reckless assholes in this scenario?

Undeterred, WILLIAM whips out his big thick SOKOVIA ACCORD and slaps it down on the table.

WILLIAM HURT

I expect you all to sign this long-term, binding document. Don't look so glum, as Marvel Studios heroes it should come easily to you.

(leaves)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I think this is fair. Just being stronger, faster, or smarter than everyone else doesn’t mean we get to impose our own rules without oversight or accountability.

CHRIS EVANS

No! I demand the freedom to do whatever I want all the time just because I’m so convinced of my own superiority!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

…are you sure we didn’t get our lines backwards?

CHRIS EVANS

Nope, that’s really how we’re playing this. At least we're taking opposing viewpoints on an issue, instead of hating each other for the same reasons like SOME superhero conflict movies. So yeah, fuck your stupid accord!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Dammit Chris, this is the UN we're dealing with! With their blue helmets and sternly worded letters! Can you IMAGINE what they’ll do to us if we don’t sign!

CHRIS EVANS

You're not getting it Robert. When WE want control over policing the world, it's heroic. When the United Nations wants control over policing the world, it's... an AGENDA.

CUE: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!!!

PURPAUL BETTANY

Excuse me but I need to make an important point. We possess great strength. Strength leads to challenge. Challenge leads to conflict. Conflict leads to fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger... let me start over.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Don't suppose anyone wants to actually READ this document before launching into a big impassioned argument...?

CHRIS EVANS

NOPE NOPE NOPE this totally sucks and I'm not budging until--

(gets text message)

Oh shit, Agent Carter just got cancelled. Permanently. Like, she's dead.

INT. HAYLEY ATWELL'S FUNERAL

Kick-ass blonde SHIELD agent ADRIANNE PALICKI EMILY VANCAMP is delivering a eulogy.

EMILY VANCAMP

Hayley's character was actually my aunt, a fact I concealed by using the same last name as her. I didn't want anyone to know due to MCU movies' fierce disdain for anything happening in that miserable bitch-ass TV division.

(spits)

CHRIS EVANS

Wow, Emily may have been hot before, but now that she's like a niece to me? VA-VA-VOOOOOOM!! AA-OOOOGAH, AA-OOOOOGAH guess I should chat her up, huh? Whaddya say Falcon, wanna be my WINGma-

ANTHONY MACKIE

Dude no.

INT. UNITED NATIONS SUMMIT ON THE SOKOVIA ACCORDS

SCARLETT arrives and flirts a bit with PRINCE CHADWICK BOSEMAN.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(smiles charmingly)

Wow, is it hot in here, or is it just THE GIANT EXPLOSION ENGULFING MY DAD OH SHIIIIT NOOOOOOO

NEWS REPORTER

This just in! A blurry photo of Sebastian Stan has surfaced, clearly the Winter Soldier is responsible!

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Hastily slapped together news reports, broadcast minutes after the fact, are NEVER wrong! I must kill Sebastian at once!

INT. STARBUCKYS COFFEE SHOP

CHRIS and ANTHONY go incognito in their MATCHING OVERSIZED BASEBALL HATS AND ENORMOUS SUNGLASSES which, gotta say, become WAAAY LESS INCOGNITO once there's more than ONE GUY wearing them.

EMILY VANCAMP

Hey guys. We got a lead on Sebastian's location so I'm leaking it to you, on account of our, er, searing romantic chemistry or whatever.

CHRIS EVANS

Erm, yeah. It's clear we have an undeniable, magnetic connection that C'MON BUDDY!

(rushes off with Anthony, exchanging high-fives and chest-bumps)

INT. AWFUL SQUALID APARTMENT - BUCHAREST

CHRIS uses the info to find SEBASTIAN. They fight EACH OTHER and some COPS and SEBASTIAN tries to ESCAPE but is confronted by CHADWICK!!

SEBASTIAN STAN

(pause)

I’m waiting.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

For what?

SEBASTIAN STAN

For the quip. Come on. Quip at me. Call me Captain Chrome, offer to lend me a hand. Anything.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Sorry. Black Panther don't wisecrack.

He ATTACKS SEBASTIAN like a fucking PRO.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Holy shit, a Marvel character who doesn’t undercut every serious moment with a wry observation? I’m not prepared for this! Abort! Abort!

SEBASTIAN and CHADWICK and CHRIS chase each other while RUNNING FASTER THAN CARS AND MOTORCYCLES!! Then they decide to really raise the stakes by GETTING INTO THE CARS AND MOTORCYCLES THEY WERE JUST OUTRUNNING!!

IRON CHEADLE

Alright, I've enjoyed hovering over all this and letting you destroy property, but guess I should arrest you now.

CHRIS EVANS

So, we're caught. Hm, I wonder who this mysterious newcomer is, with his ripped body, skin-tight black bodysuit and sexy sharp fingernails... er, um, I mean, beer and sports! Har har. War is hell.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(removing mask)

Oh please, Marvel heroes don't have anything so gauche as "secret identities". It's me, everyone! Hi!

INT. BACK AT MILITARY HQ

Our heroes are brought in to face MARTIN FREEMAN playing highly anticipated MCU addition BLAND-AS-FUCK-GOVERNMENT-SUIT MAN.

MARTIN FREEMAN

I'm also pretending to be American and doing nothing William Hurt couldn't do, so fuck knows why you even need me around.

(vanishes)

CHRIS EVANS

So Robert, I guess you're going to say that me and Sebastian pulverizing a squad of innocent cops half to death, somehow helps YOUR argument?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

This whole deal is kind of bullshit though. I mean, of COURSE you can trust Captain fucking America, Doing the Right Thing is your biggest superpower. We ALL have idealized levels of true heroism and noble intentions. But in real life you can't trust people with unchecked LEGISLATIVE powers, never mind SUPERpowers. So as long as we're comic-book characters living in a quasi-realistic world, we'll both always be right and always be wrong.

Just then an EMP goes off plunging the base into PANIC MODE! In the containment wing, actual villain DANIEL BRUHL approaches SEBASTIAN.

DANIEL BRUHL

Hello Sebastian. I've orchestrated everything just to get you here and ask about the Fla-Vor-Ice Fruity Freeze Pops you stole from that car in 1991. And unluckily for you, I also have the codebook with the string of random disconnected words that activates your Hydra-programming.

(opens book)

Booyah. Psych. Fly. Damn skippy. Phat. Homeslice. Schwing. All that and a bag of chips. Whazzzaaaap.

SEBASTIAN STAN

ARRGHHHH NOOOOOOOOO

(rips apart specially designed containment unit like flypaper)

Wow, that's some quality brainwashing.

WINTERIZED SEBASTIAN fights ANTHONY and CHADWICK and SCARLETT and ROBERT!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Damn, and me with only one Iron Man glove! If only I'd brought the lightweight briefcase with an entire suit in it, like in Iron Man 2! Or could summon the component armor that flies in and assembles around me, like in Iron Man 3! Or radio down another orbiting mega-suit, like in Ultron!

ANTHONY MACKIE

Why wasn't your Iron-glove fried by the EMP? Have you been holding out EMP-proof tech from the rest of us? You dick.

SEBASTIAN reaches the rooftop HELICOPTER, but CHRIS grabs it! Lacking any decent weapons, SEBASTIAN chooses instead to bash CHRIS with THE FUCKING HELICOPTER.

SEBASTIAN STAN

(plummeting into river)

ARRGHHHH I GUESS THAT REALLY DID COMPROMISE ITS USEFULNESS AS A GETAWAY VEHICLLLEEEEEE

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - LATER

WILLIAM HURT

Chris and Sebastian got away! Alright, I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm going to send REGULAR SOLDIERS after them now. You hear that? REGULAR FUCKING SOLDIERS. You brought this on them, Robert, remember that!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Dammit William! My team doesn't need your help or anyone else's! We'll bring Chris and Sebastian back all on our lonesome--

Suddenly MARVEL STUDIOS gets the rights to SPIDERMAN back.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Er, I meant, there's one more guy who's utterly crucial to my team! Gonna go get him right now since I've been monitoring him all along! Yessir, time for all that careful foreshadowing to finally pay off!

(winks)

INT. AVENGERS MANSION

ELIZABETH OLSEN and PURPAUL BETTANY are busy chilling out, swapping recipes, y'know, superhero stuff.

PURPAUL BETTANY

I do apologize, Liz, but I have been tasked to keep you here so you can work on your accent. It really is terrible. We can’t inflict that on people. I’m sorry.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I understand. I have caused much suffering with my bad accent. Also all those people I blew up. I shall remain here.

PURPAUL BETTANY

And in the comics you and I are a thing, so I was hoping to tap that. I mean, tap that well of affection which has been building deep inside of my cock. Am I doing this right?

JEREMY RENNER

(bursting in)

Liz! I'm here to bust you out with my trick arrows and fighting skill, neither of which do jack shit against Bettany's godlike powers, which I'll demonstrate repeatedly!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Huh? I thought was good plan, taking time out until someone else public enemy #1. But don't want to miss big airport fight, so OK.

ELIZABETH zaps PAUL making him very very HARD.

PURPAUL BETTANY

(plunging through Earth's mantle)

OHH YESSSSS BABY I AM SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW

INT. QUEENS APARTMENT

ROBERT arrives to recruit TOM HOLLAND and flirt with MARISA TOMEI.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Wow, Aunt May gets younger and hotter with each reboot. We'd better quit now before she's literally a toddler on fire. Anyway kid, Chris Evans is building a superteam, so I need reinforcements.

TOM HOLLAND

That's amazing! To think, of all the various New York heroes you could have reached out to, you chose the dorky awkward teenager you saw on YouTube!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

C'mon, like there's any proper adult superheroes in New York? Ha! Certainly none ever mentioned in major newspapers, or with a publicly known detective agency! Ha ha!

CHARLIE COX & KRYSTEN RITTER & MIKE COLTER

(glare)

EXT. DISCREET LOCATION SOMEWHERE

CHRIS, SEBASTIAN, and ANTHONY, having made the tactical decision to cram themselves into the MOST COMICAL VEHICLE POSSIBLE, meet up with EMILY VANCAMP.

EMILY VANCAMP

Hey guys, I got all your gear, committing treason AGAIN. But I think THIS time they may actually catch on, so...

CHRIS EVANS

So you'll fight by our side?

EMILY VANCAMP

Haha no. Gonna go with "fuck off" instead. But first, we should kiss, on account of our desperate longing for each other.

CHRIS EVANS

Ah yes, of course. That would certainly be appropriate given our smouldering passion.

(kisses Emily)

Oh Anthony and Seb, stop bickering back there, you're both equally my bestie, okay? You rascals!

The GUYS head to the nearby AIRPORT to rendezvous with JEREMY RENNER, LIZ OLSEN, and also PAUL RUDD because WHY THE FUCK NOT.

EXT. COMPLETELY EMPTY UTTERLY DESERTED AIRPORT, SERIOUSLY WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE

TEAM CAPTAIN AMERICA saunters forward, swinging CHAINS and slapping their HANDS with BASEBALL BATS and TIRE IRONS. Nearby, TEAM IRON MAN advances towards them, SNAPPING their FINGERS and PIROUETTING.

DAVID PATRICK KELLY

Aveeeennn-gers!! Come out to plaaa-yyyy!!!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(actual line)

Are you sure you want to punch your way out of this?

CHRIS EVANS

Um yeah, it's a Marvel movie. Duh.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Right! Everyone start beating the shit out of each other! Now these are our friends, so be careful to use only NON-lethal laser beams, guns, rockets, explosions, and preposterous amounts of crushing damage!!

BATTLE is JOINED! ROBERT fights CHRIS who fights CHADWICK who fights SCARLETT who fights JEREMY who fights DON who fights PAUL who fights TOM who fights ANTHONY who fights CHADWICK who fights SEBASTIAN who fights ELIZABETH who fights JEREMY who fights ROBERT who fights SCARLETT while PURPAUL BETTANY wanders off to read airport magazines instead of effortlessly whupping everyone.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Ha, I'm clawing your shield Evans!

CHRIS EVANS

Dammit dude, do you KNOW how hard it is to find scratch remover for this thing?!?

Just when it seems the FIGHT has maybe played out, everyone lines up against each other AGAIN and starts the WHOLE GIANT AIRPORT FIGHT ALL OVER AGAIN. Tons of PLANES and BUILDINGS get FUCKED TO SHIT as they gleefully pile up fresh evidence for the "maybe superheroes could use a weeee bit of oversight" position.

CHRIS EVANS

Who hasn't fought each other yet? Ooh, how about Chadwick and Jeremy?

JEREMY RENNER

Right! Check this out, my bow transforms into a quarterstaff, since nothing's better for a high-precision ranged weapon than bashing shit with it.

TOM HOLLAND

Check THIS out, I'm referencing the iconic moment from Amazing Spider-Man #33, February 1966! Everyone cares about that, right?

PAUL RUDD

I'm gonna grow super-BIG instead, even though it might literally kill me, that's how damn starstruck I am meeting Captain America!!

CHRIS and SEBASTIAN reach the QUINJET! CHADWICK almost gets there too but SCARLETT stops him!

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Dammit Scarlett, why'd you do that? I could have stowed away on their plane to the final showdown, nice and logical. Now I have to magically track Downey's helicopter across the fucking ocean. Come on.

The QUINJET takes off! PURPAUL BETTANY finally shows up to shoot his FOREHEAD LASER at ANTHONY... but hits IRON CHEADLE!!! CHEADLE crashes to the ground!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

ARRGH DON CHEADLE NOOOO, DAMN YOU ANTHONY MACKIEEEE

ANTHONY MACKIE

Um, sorry for ducking, I guess?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Tell that to DON'S SNAPPED LEGS

(zaps Anthony)

GODDAMNN EVANNSSSSS THIS IS ALL TOTALLY ON YOUUUUU

PURPAUL BETTANY

(awkwardly strolling away, whistling)

INT. OCEAN PRISON

ROBERT visits the TOP-SECRET OFF-BOOKS UNDERWATER TOP SECURITY PRISON where the captured Avengers have been left to ROT INDEFINITELY with none of their family or friends ever knowing what the fuck happened to them.

JEREMY RENNER

Dude. Dick move.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Seriously uncool, man.

PAUL RUDD

Yeah, like, geez.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Can I say you're all taking this remarkably well? Look, tell me where Chris went, I've decided I want to help him after all. But not you guys, you're fucked.

EXT. SIBERIAN DESOLATE BASE THING

ROBERT finds CHRIS and SEBASTIAN inside the base!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hey, the news just reported that Daniel Bruhl framed Sebastian and he didn't blow up Chadwick's Dad after all. So we're cool. Even though we know he totes did kill tons of other innocents as the Winter Soldier, just not that one guy.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Well it's good you're here, because in this base are FIVE MORE Winter Soldiers who are EVEN MORE BADASS than me! Defeating them will take YET ANOTHER large sprawling overstuffed fight scene and---oh hey, they're all dead. I can't tell if that's anticlimatic or just a relief.

But behind a teeny tiny window is DANIEL BRUHL!

DANIEL BRUHL

Bwah ha, yes it's me! I've planned this for years and now sweet revenge is at hand! I only wish fucking Thor were here, so I could repay him for that shit he pulled at the 1976 German Grand Prix.

CHRIS EVANS

How is this your plan? Robert's only here because Anthony told him.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

And I only came alone because I'm an idiot.

In response, DANIEL plays crappy old security footage from 1991 that shows SEBASTIAN killed ROBERT'S PARENTS!!

SEBASTIAN STAN

It's true. I murdered them both as Winter Soldier. Because running a car off the road is the type of job only a highly-skilled cryo-frozen super-soldier can be trusted with.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Dammit Bucky, you killed my Mom! Prepare to die!!

SEBASTIAN STAN

Shit dude, I'm sorry--

(ducks laser blast)

I was under Hydra mind control!

(dodges five missiles)

OKAY OKAY WAIT WAIT WAIT... er, my Mom had the same name as yours?

(sheepish grin)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT MATTERRRRRRRR

(attacks)

DANIEL BRUHL

Ah, excellent! But rather than see my years of effort come to fruition, I'm gonna wander out in the snow and shoot myself. Toodles!

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Not so fast! You're a Marvel movie villain that doesn't utterly suck donkeyballs, we may need you!

(captures Daniel)

CHRIS and ROBERT fight soooo much! SEBASTIAN tries escaping up the DARK KNIGHT RISES PIT but fails so hard he LOSES AN ARM! At last CHRIS finally defeats ROBERT, grabs SEBASTIAN and leaves, dramatically letting his SHIELD fall to the ground...

SHIELD

(ricochets five times, knocking out twelve HYDRA agents)

Sorry, force of habit. Back to our poignant tableau!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Taking off then, Evans? Right, cool, I’ll just stay here and freeze to death in my non-functioning armor.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

It's okay, I've got a plane! I'd have stopped Chris and Sebastian but I had my hands full with Nofight McDefeated here.

INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND -- LATER

ROBERT tries to help DON walk with his new robo-legs.

DON CHEADLE

Damn this broken spine sucks. Say, whatever happened to that magic Iron Man 3 goop that fixed the gaping hole in your chest, and brought Gwyneth back from the dead? Maybe we could use-

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

OH HEY LOOK IT'S THE TRADITIONAL STAN LEE CAMEO! Ha ha ha, later Don!

STAN delivers a FEDEX PACKAGE which has a letter from CHRIS EVANS. ROBERT reads it as the screen goes SEPIA and PLAINTIVE FIDDLE MUSIC swells in the background...

CHRIS EVANS (V/O)

Dearest Robert. I trust this finds you well, surrounded by those of your side which did not perish--namely everybody, I mean, is it not astounding how not one of our number shuffled off, yet again? Not even that most cowardly ruse of a fake-out Sam Jackson or Groot death? But I digress...

(pause)

Just as the roots of the aspen trees intertwine beneath the surface of the world, away from human sight, so shall you and I remain conjoined in common cause. Though myself and my compatriots must dwell in shadow, fugitives from those powers you so faithfully now serve, we shall not forever be parted from you. For truth, I have taken it upon myself to liberate those of our brethren which you had most wrongfully imprisoned, and fervently hope we shall also recover the weapons and gear and supersuits that once made them mighty, lest they be little more than glorified drinking buddies.

(pause)

Fare thee well and know that, though we appear separated to those who know not the depth of our convictions, we shall e’er answer your call to assemble. Well, Ole Paulie Rudd's calling, it must be time for bed. Warmest regards, Chris.

(pause)

P.S. Also could I get my shield back, it's kind of my whole thing.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Has that fucker still not learned to email?

END

INT. BONUS SCENE

CHRIS EVANS

Thanks for letting us hide out here, in Africa.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Yes, we are in Africa.

We zoom out to reveal they ARE, in fact, in AFRICA!

END

INT. BONUS BONUS SCENE

J.K. SIMMONS

What the hell was that crap?! I want pictures of Spiderman!

We see TOM HOLLAND dick around in his ROOM for a bit.

J.K. SIMMONS

Good enough!

END