Vorehelicher Sex und Verhütungsmittel sind voll böse und deswegen streng verboten. Da die Bibel sich aber über Analsex ausschweigt und diesen nicht ausdrücklich verbietet, nutzen angeblich viele amerikanische Teenagern dieses Hintertürchen (Verzeihung!), um die christliche Sexualmoral zu umgehen.

„God’s Loophole“ ist der Begriff für die Praxis und ausserdem ein schönes Beispiel für die Gehirnakrobatik und Bigotterie, die gerne mal mit Religiösität zusammenfällt. Um es mit den Worten von Garfunkel and Oates zu sagen: Give me that sweet sensation of irrational rationalization. Ich freue mich trotzdem über diese ganz besondere Form von Dummheit, beschert sie uns als Folge doch einen wunderbaren Song, der heute schon ein Internetklassiker ist.

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Weil es gar so schön ist, hier der vollständige Text:

All my life I’ve been good to what my mom and dad and God say I should

Go to church and bible school .. to live by God’s rule

So whatever people tell me that the Bible tells me, I will do

Walk the halls of my school with my purity ring

Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check

It was easy to do till I got a boyfriend

And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck

And I made a pact

To keep my hymen intact

And Jesus and I are tight

Never learned about the birds and bees

I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees

Because the Bible says premarital sex is wrong

But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long

And I don’t want to lose him

To someone who’ll do him

I need to figure something out

Well, there’s a loophole in the scripture that works really well

So I can get him off without going to hell

It’s my hail Mary full of grace

In Jesus‘ name, we go to fifth base

Oh, thank you for making me holy

And thank you for giving me holes to choose from

And since I’m not a godless whore

He’ll have to come in the back door

Therefore

Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus

The good lord would want it that way

It’s the sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization

It’s just between you and me

Because everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

It’s hard to be as pure as me

To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity

To wait until my marriage bed

To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead

So take your cock out

Shove it in my ass

Fuck me until you come

Oops!

I mean let’s join our souls

And unite our bodies

And fly with the wings of God

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris

If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this

And no prophylactics when you put it in

Because birth control’s for sluts, and it’s a sin

I’ve emptied my bowels

And laid out the towels

I’m ready for romance

I’m praying to the power that’s the highest

But of all of my holes, this one’s the driest

And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate

And God’s OK with sodomy, but only if you’re straight

And I’m staying pure no matter what

So I’m OK with everything but

Everything but

Everything butt

Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus

The good lord would want it that way

Give me that sweet sensation of throbbing rationalization

It’s just between you and me

Because everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

I do whatever the Bible tells me to

Except for the parts that I choose to ignore

Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient

But the rest, I live by for sure

So let’s not talk about how the good book

Bans shellfish, polyester and divorce

And how it condones slavery and killing gays

Because those parts don’t count of course

Let’s cherry pick the part about losing my cherry

And ? for ambiguities and omissions

And circumvent any real sacrifice

And still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions

And don’t you dare question my convictions

And don’t look closely at the contradictions

Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion

And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

It’s the only way to measure if you’re good or not

And when you’re in a debate, just say to have faith

Because when up against logic it’s the only card you’ve got

So close your eyes

Take a deep breath

And

Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus

The good lord would want it that way

Give me that sweet sensation of irrational rationalization

It’s just between you and me

Because everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

Yeah, my chastity belt has locks

So sometimes you need to think outside the box