CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

After years of fierce rivalry and factional peanut-throwing, the Labor Party has stood united today for the first time since Keating.

The final concession of old white male egos comes as a surprise to their supporters, who all secretly enjoy the head-lopping turmoil that has plagued both major parties for the last decade.

However, Bradbury Shorten has today decided that his victory lap to Prime Minister is as good a time as any to squash the beef with Anthony Albanese MP.

The handshake agreement between the long-time closeted ALP enemies has been forged today, just 48 hours before Australians go to the ballot.

A key contributor to this truce is the tougher conditions to change leaders within the party, an overhaul introduced by Kevin Rudd when he returned to the top job in 2013.

Under Labor’s leadership rules, MPs and members elect a new leader over a month-long process. The long timeframe is designed to give electors time to scrutinise the candidates and test their suitability for the pressures of the leadership. To avoid any further binfires like Kevin, Julia Kevin – or even worse: Tony, Malcolm, Scott.

However, aside from the fact that Shorten is forced upon Labor until he either dies or resigns, party insiders say that he’s actually made an effort to keep Albanese happy as well.

As of 10:12pm this morning, Bill Shorten has offered Anthony Albanese a newly-created cabinet position in the upcoming government.

The Minister For Ten Second Cars. A new role aimed at orchestrating the roll out of more energy efficient, high-powered vehicles across the nation. Some of which may be electric, but who knows, we aren’t saying anything just yet.

Albanese, who has been vocal for many years about his love of modified street vehicles – namely his beloved Valiant Charger – is believed to be ecstatic to move into the role.

“It’s way better than the Minister For Infrastructure And Keeping Away From Cameras” said Albanese in a press conference today.

“This news has renewed my faith in the Labor Party, to the point where I almost want Bill Shorten to win this election”

“And I think he might”

“It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning”