“As long as we have the votes, our candidate could fuck the dead as hard as I fucked Merrick Garland.”

— Mitch McConnell

“What if someone’s dead inside? Does that count?”

— Jeanne Pierro

“It’s too soon to start talking about 2024. What we need to focus on is getting rid of unnecessary entitlements like fire departments and hospitals.”

— Paul Ryan

“You can have sex with any dead person, as long as it’s not Hillary. We need her alive. Shit, if she dies, we’ll have to keep her around for a while like it’s fucking ‘Weekend at Bernies’ until we figure something out. Maybe we can clone her? I think we can clone her.”

— Antonio Scaramucci

“I’ll probably write in Dylann Roof.”

— Tomi Lahren

“Who’s touching me?

— Ronald Reagan

“According to the few scientists we have left, the dead decompose and feed the earth. Fuck the earth. And the dead.”

— Scott Pruitt

This disgusting act of post-mortem carnality is an excellent metaphor for my relationship with the president.”

— Vladmir Putin

“He was only banned from two graveyards.”

— Steve Bannon

“Few can truly appreciate the sweet pleasures of the recently departed. In college I had a three-thousandsome with a dead woman and well, something close to 2,999 worms.

“Anyway, it’s a nice way to break up the time between killing the women.”

— Sebastian Gorka