Tom Waits Giving out Rusted Harmonicas to Any Trick-or-Treaters Who Visit Him at Haunted Junkyard

POMONA, Calif. — Trick-or-treaters visiting the haunted junkyard behind Old Man Clemens’ house were rewarded with rusted harmonicas handed out by rascal king Tom Waits, frightened sources confirmed.

“When I was a kid growing up inside of a homeless tornado, I never got any candy for Halloween,” said Waits, holding a novelty pumpkin full of well-worn harmonicas. “All I got was railroad spikes, cans of beans, the occasional necktie fashioned from barbed wire… and if I was really lucky, a half-full bottle of moonshine that gave you the ability to play the piano like your fingers were possessed by a Louisiana devil that couldn’t carry a tune.”

“Nowadays, kids got their Twix bars and Reese’s and M&Ms. One of my earliest Halloween memories was watching my Pappy lose custody of me to a snake oil salesman in a knife fight. My first wife was a cursed jukebox, but hell, who am I to complain?” added Waits.

Alyssa Diaz, one of the trick-or-treaters, was among the many disappointed in the unorthodox treat.

“I always heard from older kids that the haunted junkyard was the scariest place in town. I never believed them, but I now I know I should never go back,” said Diaz. “I almost got ripped apart by a bunch of coyotes whose card game I apparently interrupted. Then, this dude with a gravelly voice came walking out of a busted refrigerator playing a mandolin and shouting, ‘Ya got the music in ya! Don’t let them fat cats take it away!’ I’ve never run that fast before.”

Dr. Michael Cantele, a local authority on both Waits and the supernatural, weighed in on the Bohemian hobo’s strange gifts to the children.

“For as long as anyone can remember, there’s always been a Tom Waits in our midst and there always will be. The curse can be passed on by killing the current Waits and absorbing his life force — it can be transmitted to somebody if Tom Waits bites them on a full moon,” said Dr. Cantele. “And of course, if you accept one of his harmonicas and play any classic American murder ballad, you’ll change into Tom Waits the next time you hear an orphan train sound its lonesome whistle.”

At press time, a rag-tag group of paranormal investigators with a large dog were attempting to unmask the ghastly junkyard Waits before being scared away by a gang of mummies.