Fredericton — In preparation for the Trudeau government’s proposed legalization of marijuana, New Brunswick’s top RCMP officer, Assistant Commissioner Larry Tremblay, confirmed this week that his force has plans to collect mandatory roadside semen samples as a method of catching impaired drivers.

“With alcohol we have the breathalyzer test, which is accurate and reliable,” said Tremblay. “For marijuana the breathalyzer technology simply doesn’t work, so we’ve been investigating alternatives.”

One of those alternatives, semen samples, is supported by results from researchers at the University of New Brunswick. In a report of preliminary findings, Dr. Jose Canterbury wrote: “Because the body produces semen on demand, THC (the active ingredient in marijuana) measurements from on-the-spot samples of drivers’ semen are more reliable than any other method of testing.”

Addressing concerns about invasion of privacy and sexism, Tremblay affirmed, “We’re just following the science on this one. Nothing political here; men commit 89 per cent of impaired driving offences, and if this is the best technique with the most accurate readings, then we’re going to give it a try.”

Recognizing that this could be uncomfortable for people, Tremblay agreed that such a measure could “…ruin a first date, create painful embarrassment for someone driving with their parents, make things difficult at work for colleagues who carpool, or introduce an unexpected element to a weekend hunting trip. But to me, these all serve as potent deterrents for anyone thinking of driving while high.”

Tremblay did note that his officers were still developing plans for implementation, including a procedural handbook outlining the logistics of obtaining a roadside sample, what assistance may be provided to nervous motorists (including both generic Viagra and a government-approved pornographic pamphlet), and guidelines prohibiting the enforcement measure within 500 metres of a school or playground.

“Bottom line is,” Tremblay finished, “if we have reasonable suspicion, then we’ll be ordering a sample on the spot. Our members will be trained to assist if necessary, and are happy to do so in both official languages.”