Donald Trump Jr, the one who looks like a semi-sentient sneer, wants to make literature great again. The president’s eldest child has been spotted shopping a book proposal to publishers. However, nobody seems interested in Donald Jr’s tome. Fox Business reported recently that his book has received “a chilly reception” and been declined by at least two publishing houses. If any other outlet had published this report, surely Trump would have taken to Twitter to cry FAKE NEWS and WITCH HUNT. So far, however, the younger Donald has been uncharacteristically quiet about his less than glowing write-up by the family’s favourite media network.

Despite his silence on the matter, it seems unlikely that the president’s firstborn is taking his alleged rejections well. After all, the man hails from a famously literary family. His father has “written” almost 20 books. His sister, Ivanka, has published two. Ivana, Donald Jr’s mother, released a memoir in 2017. Even Eric has been published; he wrote the foreword to Newt Gingrich’s book Understanding Trump, which came out last year. Donald Jr, it would seem, is the Branwell Brontë of the Trump clan.

Inquiring minds may be wondering what Trump Jr’s book proposal contains. Despite my best efforts at committing journalistic skullduggery, I could not find a way to hack Donald Jr’s brain; the walls were just too thick. So, I have had to resort to the educated guess (complemented with “truthful hyperbole”, a term coined by Trump Sr in The Art of the Deal) in order to figure out the contents of his book. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin.

Let us start with the title. The Trump family likes plastering its name over everything, books being no exception. Ivanka’s first oeuvre was The Trump Card, Ivana’s memoir was called Raising Trump and Donald Sr has a number of books with Trump in the title. If Donald Jr wanted to trump the rest of his family title-wise, he would have to get a little creative. Rather than going for an easy pun, like Ivanka, he may have reached for something more manifesto-ish. Mein Trumpf, perhaps. Or maybe he doubled down on Trumpian naming conventions and channelled modern fashion-meme culture with a title like Donald by Donald Jr or Junior by Donald Jr.

It is also possible that we are all underestimating Donald Jr. Rather than being a flannel-loving flâneur who spreads conspiracy theories, Donald Jr may be a closet intellectual. We all know that he met with a Russian lawyer during the 2016 presidential election campaign; many suspect this is evidence he was colluding with Russia. But what if he was just partaking in a covert Russian-existentialist-themed book club? What if Trump Jr is actually a budding Dostoevsky? One may assume, after all, that he would have an affinity with classics such as The Idiot.

It seems more likely, though, that his literary influences lie closer to home. My bet is that the book turns out to be a sequel of sorts to The Art of the Deal, of which the president is inordinately proud. Considering Donald Jr’s recent legal troubles, I would not be surprised to find he has drafted The Art of the Plea Deal: A Guide to Dodging Jail By Dobbing in Your Dad. And listen, if at least one Trump were to be jailed soon, that would be a sufficiently happy ending for me.