TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lashed out at the media today, saying that it had “failed to focus on the single most important issue regarding me, which is my weight.”

At a press conference in Trenton, Christie yelled at a room full of reporters, accusing them of doing the public a disservice by not devoting all of their coverage of him to the issue of his body mass.

“How much I’ve weighed in the past, how much I weigh now, and how much I’m eating—that’s all you clowns should be writing about,” he yelled. “Anything else is just a distraction.”

Adopting a threatening tone, Christie told the reporters, “If you know what’s good for you, your next story will be about how tubby I am.”

The governor made only one reference to the notorious bridge-closing scandal, offering this alibi: “At the time that decision was made, I was busy shouting at a teacher.”

Photograph by Mel Evans/AP.