Catholics Begin Rebuilding New God After Old God Burns in Notre Dame

Apr 16, 2019

The Catholic religion has lost its god today in the Notre Dame fire.

In a terrible tragedy, the 850-year-old cathedral, and 2000-year-old religion, caught fire during its restoration.

Millions watched with shocked tears to learn their religion is no more.

“We were upgrading it to modern standards,” said the Archbishop of Paris, Michel Aupetit. “But I suppose god just wants a complete reboot. At least it wasn't a flood.”

Although Pope Francis had brought a new era of increased tolerance toward gays and non-Christian faiths, it seems it wasn’t enough to save the religion from the burning inferno that occurred during Holy Week.

As Notre Dame’s beloved spire tumbled into fiery oblivion, millions of Catholics began questioning the Vatican's exclusion of women priests, the root of sex abuse scandals, its hardline position against condoms and birth control, its un-tantric attitudes toward sexuality, its literal take on Biblical metaphors, its history of crusades and indigenous genocide, and even the content of the Bible itself.

They began questioning the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD which re-wrote the Bible, removing early books such as the Gospel of Mary and the Gospel of Judas, while adding the controversial Book of Revelations. They questioned what many historians have long asked: Why was Mary was re-written in her role as the wife of Jesus and turned into a prostitute, with all mention of their children stripped away? What does that say about women?

But it's all ashes to ashes now.

No more is left of the Old Pages.

“In some ways now I can appreciate the evergreen aspect of our faith,” concluded the archbishop. “Our pagan celebrations, our solstice births and spring resurrections. Perhaps we can find inspiration to spring back and rise again this Easter through the goddess Ostara. Except this time drinking sacraments that open the infinite fractal nature of the quantum physics matrix channeling magic through people of all flavors into a Modern Love free from the byzantine power dynamics of yesteryear. While this fire is heartbreaking, it’s exciting to be back in the pulse. To feel a little more relevant again.”