Dear Sir/Madam ,

Just because some nonsense is part of tradition during Jambuvaan era means whether in the 21st century we should still be following like fools?

Just this morning, while we were returning to my building from Seniors Mild Yoga Class my neighbour Mr. Balaraman hurried over to show me a video on his WhatsApp. I was fully expecting it to be the usual fraudulent science or TV news channel buffoonery. Mr. Balaraman has decided to spend his retirement life filling his mobile phone with every example of human idiocy that has taken place anywhere in the world. What Egmore Museum is to culture and civilization, Mr. Balaraman’s phone is to compound fracture and cars falling into rivers.

But even I was taken aback. He played me a video of a traditional sports event from United Kingdom known as cheese rolling. In this event a large group of English youth specially chosen for their lack of future prospects are assembled at the top of a hill. Then a large cheese is rolled down the hill and the youth tumble head over heels after it. The first person to cross the finish line wins the cheese. After this the winner is returned to his proud family in a small plastic bag along with the cheese.

I was shocked but Mr. Balaraman assured me it as a real tradition. I double-checked on the internet afterwards for my personal satisfaction.

Sir/madam, why do people keep doing such stupid things in the name of tradition? Why do English youngsters not stop and think: “This makes no sense in the 21st century where a variety of cheeses is freely available. Maybe I should find some gainful employment instead of decorating this hill with my internal organs, then blaming the European Union and conducting election every amavasai.”

But what is the need to go to England to see such nonsense. Some weeks ago I was able to witness very strange tradition in our very own city. I was invited to attend Mrs. Agarwal’s daughter’s wedding function at a five star hotel in Chennai. We arrived at the hotel at sharp 5pm as mentioned in the invitation card and was warmly received by the decorations contractor and one man who was slicing capsicums for salad. The functions started at 8 p.m.

Mrs. Mathrubootham insisted I stay till all the functions ended. I told her I am sorry but Tokyo Olympics is starting on TV in just three years. Eventually I stayed. Then after the wedding the couple (girl is an engineer, boy seemed like a cheese rolling type) slowly proceeded out of the hotel amidst tremendous sentiments. We followed behind and I was instantly hit in the face by a fistful of rice. I immediately told Mrs. Mathrubootham to run away because who knows if next vathakuzhambu will be thrown.

Sir/madam, I was told that it was traditional in some cultures for the bride to fling rice over her head at her family, before she went away to her husband’s house.

I followed the couple until they got into the car and left. I stood outside helping Mrs. Mathrubootham console the bride’s parents. And then suddenly, without warning, a car almost hit me from behind. When I turned around it was the same car that had just left with the bride and groom. What happened, I asked Mrs. Mathrubootham, did they suddenly find another two kilos of rice in the dickie?

Sir/madam, it turned out the entire show was drama. Because of a discount offer the hotel had given couple a free honeymoon suite. However a tearful send-off of the bride was compulsory tradition. So everyone did all the usual crying and all, and then the couple got into car, took a small drive and came back. They coolly walked back into the hotel, along with fully smiling and laughing Agarwals, and went to their room.

I stood outside, covered in rice, watching in amazement.

Sir/madam, what is the meaning of all this cheese rolling, rice flinging tradition? Why are we propagating such practices when it has lost all its original meaning and sincerity? I think it is high time we became a more modern society with a more progressive outlook.

In conclusion I was wondering if you could publish a detailed historical story on how a cheese-deficient, suicidal country like England was able to form an international empire instead of, say, Cholas of Tamil Nadu or Cheras of Kerala?

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham