Anonymous asked: I'm penis repulsed lesbian. Is it transphobic to ask trans-woman about her genitals in this situation? How should I do this in a not offensive way?

It’s not a first date kind of question, unless you have sex on your first dates of course. You don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to have sex with. You don’t have to have any kind of sex you don’t want to have.

A lot of trans women can’t or don’t want to use our penises (if we have them) during sex anyway. Trans women are much more likely to be abused, and many of us are also penis repulsed because of trauma or just dysphoria. So trust me, we get it.

You need to ask her what she is comfortable with when you talk about sex, just like with a cis woman. Like any other partner you need to establish boundaries and consent and learn what each other likes. Her using her penis if she has one is obviously uncomfortable for you and she will respect that.

It’s not transphobic to not want to do things with certain body parts. It only becomes transphobic when learning of her genital configuration makes you not want to date her anymore, or if a sex act (not involving a penis) that you want to do (like her giving oral sex to you) you suddenly don’t want to do anymore if she has a penis tucked in her panties. This doesn’t mean that you should have sex with her anyway, but rather that you shouldn’t be dating or having sex with trans women. Remember, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. And she deserves better than to be reduced to her body parts like that.



One more thing. In English, there is a difference between “trans woman” and “trans-woman/transwoman”. When there is a hyphen (the -) or no space between the words, what you are saying is that she is not ~really~ a woman or that she is in a separate category from women in general. It’s important to have the space between the words because “trans” is an adjective, like tall woman, gay woman, fat woman, or happy woman.

-*Mod Star*

