For a limited time, we're going to offer a Saban Rant Decoder Ring with every purchase of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.

Every time Nick Saban pops his can of biscuits on national television after a five-touchdown victory, the Saban Rant Decoder Ring will interpret the behavior of a person who appears to be slightly unzipped, if not completely out to lunch and munching on Little Debbies everyday.

The ring has to be worn on your pinky like an angry mob boss.

So, slip on your rings, college football fanatics, and step into the maw of a Saban Rant. They're full sound and fury, but unlike tales told by idiots, they actually mean something.

As he is prone to do, Saban went a little sideways on Saturday night after Alabama 51, Louisville 14. Alabama's coach likes to put on his grumpy face whenever Alabama wins big, but this time was ridiculous. ESPN's on-field reporter Maria Taylor asked Saban to assess his quarterbacks after the game, and Saban got so mad I think his lips actually started quivering.

"What answers did you have after watching both your quarterbacks play tonight?" Taylor asked.

Saban's response: "I still like both guys. I think both guys are good players. I think both guys can help our team, all right."

Taken by itself, that's a perfectly sane answer. Saban could have stopped. He didn't. From there, he flipped into rant mode. Give the man an Oscar right now.

Saban continued: "So, why do you continually try to get me to say something that doesn't respect one of them. I'm not going to, so quit asking."

Saban came off like a bully. What gives?

OK, first off, the question was appropriate.

If Taylor didn't ask Saban about the quarterbacks after the game, then she probably would have been fired on the spot by her producer. Her question was perfect. Alabama's quarterback competition has been the biggest on-field story in college football since the end of January's national championship game, and everyone wanted to know what Saban thought about Tua Tagovailoa and Jalen Hurts.

Saban's rant was a window into his opinion, which should be obvious to anyone who watched the game. One of the quarterbacks is clearly better. Tagovailoa started the game and completed 12-of-16 pass attempts for 227 yards and two touchdowns.

In other words, Tagovailoa left no doubt. He's the guy. He looked like a little football wizard on his first touchdown throw to Jerry Jeudy.

Hurts, on the other hand, played like he usually does. He wasn't terrible, but he wasn't great either. He completed 5-of-9 passing attempts for 70 yards. He's going to be a great backup this season to a starting quarterback that has to be in the game, and had to start in the opener.

Of course, Saban can't say those things because they would be interpreted as disrespect.

"Why do you continually try to get me to say something that doesn't respect one of them?" Saban asked Taylor.

That wasn't asked, and only a paranoid person would interpret Taylor's open-ended question as some kind of trapdoor. Coaches are programmed to be paranoid by nature, but no one wants Saban to show disrespect to his players.

Saban was smartly deflecting attention away from Hurts. It's a classic interview tactic, and one Saban uses often when he doesn't want to answer a question. When you question the questioner, the focus shifts and a new reality is formed.

Saban was protecting his player, which is what good coaches do.

He also was letting everyone know that he's done talking about his quarterbacks, but if you've been wearing your Saban Rant Decoder Rings then you know exactly why.

There's nothing left to talk about.

Joseph Goodman is a columnist for Alabama Media Group. He's on Twitter @JoeGoodmanJr.