Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money,” Expanded for Freelancers

Bitch better have my money

Bitch doesn’t see you in our invoice system

Bitch is wondering if you ever sent in a W-9?

Bitch isn’t seeing it

Bitch is wondering if you could send another copy and we’ll get them taken care of right away

Bitch knows what it’s like when your printer is out of ink, no rush!

Bitch is just letting you know that if it’s easier, you can actually sign digitally in Adobe or an equivalent PDF converter

Bitch has received your signed W-9 and will forward to Kelly

Bitch expects you’ll receive payment by the end of the week

Bitch knows it has been three weeks and wants to thank you for just checking in on this

Bitch is so sorry for the delay

Bitch will get in touch with the department that handles that right away

Bitch is Automatic Reply: Out of the office, slow to respond

Bitch is Automatic Reply: Out of the office, slow to respond

Bitch is Automatic Reply: Out of the office, slow to respond

Bitch is sorry to inform you that the head bitch who was handling your payment is no longer with us

Bitch will forward your information to the new head bitch, but she’s still getting settled so it could take a day or so

Bitch should add that it should take a day or so, but could definitely also take up to between four and six months. But a bitch is pretty certain it will be two days, max. Or, again, up to six months.

Bitch would like to formally introduce herself as the new bitch handling your payment

Bitch will actually be the main bitch handling all freelancer payments from now on

Bitch truly apologizes for the delay — bitch is here to fix problems exactly like this that were unfortunately left by the last bitch

Bitch is wondering what piece this payment is for again?

Bitch needs you to re-send your invoice with an invoice number

Bitch, I don’t know, just usually makes up an invoice number? Bitch would like to emphasize that an invoice number is literally just any meaningless combination of numbers you come up with that is simultaneously meaningless and yet absolutely essential to there being any chance that you will be paid

Bitch’s company is actually using a new invoice system; please hold for more info

Bitch sent the link, did you receive?

Bitch will send your log-in and password to the new system in a separate email

Bitch thanks you for just following up about that log-in and password

Bitch thought Casey sent that last week??

Bitch is so sorry, bitch will absolutely have your log-in info by EOD

Bitch once again apologizes for the two-week delay, but unfortunately, Casey is no longer with the bitches

Bitch wants to make sure you sent in that contract?

Bitch sees it, nevermind

Bitch recommends an EIN for tax purposes, if a bitch ever figures out what that is

Bitch (finally!) just put your check in the mail, please let a bitch know when it arrives

Bitch is thankful for the opportunity to work with you and hopes to again in the future

Bitch knows it’s been six months, but the September issue just came out and it’s been all bitches on deck

Bitch has now migrated all payments to PayPal so that the bitches can process your payment much more quickly in the future

Bitch does not have your PayPal info, please forward at your earliest convenience

Bitch is just getting caught up on everything, did you ever get paid for that piece from three years ago?

Bitch is so glad

Bitch also thanks you for writing 2,000 words on the most shameful moment of your life and hopes it was worth the $50

Bitch forgot to mention it’s actually $47.50, after the PayPal transaction fee

Bitch is sorry about the hold on payment, a mass email will go out shortly explaining

Bitch is closing its doors

Bitch has scrubbed its archives

Bitch has been acquired by Massive Bitch

Bitch is now a subsidiary of Massive Bitch with access to Massive Bitch’s massive financial resources, hold for exciting news about what that means for freelance bitches

Bitch is excited to share that from now on, in place of a base rate, bitches whose pieces receive over 100K clicks from other bitches will receive one (1) $5 Applebee’s gift card and a firm handshake

Bitch will need your SSN before issuing that Applebee’s gift card, please hold.