“It’s great, I don’t even need to take my phone out of my pocket to see what song is playing or what street I need to turn onto next,” says Steven Todaro, signaling through the shiny new piece of tech on his wrist that he is indeed in a very bad place and should be monitored closely by his good friends. “It was a bit pricy, yeah, but I can’t go back now. It’s just so convenient!”



The $349 dollar cry for help in question is Samsung’s newest Galaxy Watch, which is sold by retailers such as Best Buy and Amazon and often bundled with sweatpants and box sets of The Wire. Sources say that Todaro’s watch in particular is outside of Best Buy’s return policy, indicating that his downward spiral is rapidly approaching a rock bottom from which he may never escape.



“Now whenever I text him asking if he’s doing okay, he just sends me the canned suggestions that it gives you on the watch instead of actually having a conversation with me,” claims worried friend and coworker Sean Lee. He shows us a text he sent asking Todaro how he’s been, asking why he hadn’t been to work in a while, to which Todaro had responded, “On my way!”



Despite his friend’s concerns, Todaro claims that he’s doing fine. “I’ve never been better, actually,” he says, tapping his watch with a smile. “It’s little techy stuff like this that I’ve always loved. It can even track how efficient my sleep is. Look, see? I only had three nightmares last night. It’s like she’s leaving me over and over again.”



Witnesses claim that Todaro is using a Fallout-based Pip-Boy watch face on his new timepiece, which was bought with money that could have been used to purchase vegetables or soap. As opposed to using the horde of productivity apps that Samsung’s mobile watch platform has to offer, Todaro has been seen using the smartwatch’s 46mm screen to watch let’s play videos while purchasing frozen pizzas at the gas station closest to his apartment.

