Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Unfortunately, things escalated when apartment security arrived, followed by myself. Our young lady decided that security was a more sporting target and tried to fight them. I'll never know why she did that, but I intervened and got to add four more scars to my hand when she bit me.

On another occasion, I was attacked by a drunken man in a wheelchair with little nubs for arms (we wound up just letting that guy go, mainly because we had no idea what to do with him).

Photos.com

These were obviously out of the question.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Finally, my police career actually came to an end after a 19-year-old broke my leg. I was in the violent crime unit, and this kid had tried to murder his mom with a kitchen knife. We couldn't find him, it was three in the morning, and we decided to go eat at Taco Bell. Laugh all you want, but don't for a damn minute pretend fast food isn't the first thing you'd get after chasing a violent teenager around until the wee hours of the morning. Anyway, the kid turned out to be sleeping right behind the Taco Bell. (Police work!)

I cuffed him, but they decided to take his restraints off while we booked him. So while he was in the county jail, this now-unrestrained kid punched the booking officer. I tackled him, and in the ensuing fight he wound up wrapping his body around my leg and SNAP, I had two bones where there should only be one.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

And that was enough of that.

Robert Evans's first book, A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, is available for pre-order now!

Always on the go but can't get enough of those sweet, sweet dick jokes? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.

Are you a fan of money, everlasting glory, but really just money? We want to give you that! (Particularly the money part.) Enter as many designs as you want into our T-shirt contest and you might just win $500.

Related Reading: Interested in the truth behind more misunderstood jobs? Cracked's Dick Joke Journalists peel back the myths behind legal prostitution. We've also covered the world of espionage and the myths behind hacking. Oh, and we take a look inside prison too.