It’s always easier to hold someone else responsible than yourself. By no means are any one of us perfect or excusable, not even myself. Maybe you never really know how screwed up you are inside until your fearing the absence of what’s good in your life.

We have baggage. We have cuts and bruises that never heal if we’re always leaving them open; that we carry around and become a part of us whether we want that or not.

I’ve learned in fairly recent time that I’ve never healed enough from some of those injuries. Those bruises changed me slowly, overtime..without me consciously knowing. The changes tarnished who I could have been…made be quick to mistrust, nearly impossible to forgive others and bitter in parts of myself I was sure was everyone else’s fault but my own. I allowed this to happen without even fully comprehending it was in fact happening… I let myself change because of the hurt. I made the hurt run deeper than it ever should have and I became shameful in the aftermath.

The hardest thing about myself is admitting that I’m wrong, accepting I may not know… Letting someone else forge through first. If I had to guess I’d guess that this mentality I adapted to over time as a defense. The only thing this mentality has gotten me is a one way ticket to learning the hard way every damn time.

Point being – I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I have in fact exhausted all avenues that left me on top of the hill waving my little flag saying ” I was right, I’m a tough girl, can’t nobody tell me how”. It was all a mirage… The hill was never there… There was never a climb of victory because what I’ve been battling was never anything to “win”. All I had to do was hold a hand and stroll on up together… That’s it. But I’ve lived in this constant state of know-it-all…pushing a square through a circle and trying to convince myself that if I didn’t want to be the little boy with his finger in the dam I needed to stay at a distance. I never let myself give in. I kept thinking that I never let myself trust another enough to come on down from the hill and know what it’s like to have togetherness… I don’t think it’s that I didn’t let myself trust another… I didn’t trust meself in the slightest. I didn’t trust myself enough to believe that if I was left in the end id be whole enough to keep going. A tough girl, can’t nobody tell me how… Here I am; here I am admitting I have no idea the how’s.