I am not vegan by any stretch of the definition, but living in Portland, Oregon has made me a bit “vegan-curious”. There are fancy vegan restaurants, vegan tasting menus, and “artisinal” vegan foods, cheese being the most popular.


I am so intrigued by this fake “cheese”. I have no reason to be particularly interested, I’m just super curious about how the other half lives. (The “other half” in this case being vegans and the lactose intolerant, not rich people.) Do those people actually get their cheesy fix? Or do they just put on a brave face and lie to themselves the entire world?

Spoiler alert: vegan cheese is delicious. But before you rush down to comment, let me just say that nothing will ever replace cheese for me. Cashews may have a creaminess that is “similar to dairy” but chickens are “similar to ducks” and we don’t serve chicken breasts medium rare. That being said, these faux-cheese products are pretty good in their own right. So, in order to spread the word, I ate a whole bunch of them for you. (I know you didn’t ask me to but love means never having to ask someone to eat fake cheese.) These are my favorites.


What it is: This creamy, slightly tangy spread gets its body and flavor from cultured almond milk. I previously assumed that all fake cheese was made of tofu and lies, so I was delighted to find that the Cheeze of Today is mostly made with cultured nuts. (Nuts are great!)

The flavor is mild (unless you get the chive which tastes like chives) and has a subtle sweetness that you really only notice if you eat it straight from the tub, which is not a terrible idea. It has a fluffy, cloud-like texture that is not at all chalky, and is frankly a lot better than some of the low-fat cream cheeses out there. (Full fat or death.) It’s also super spreadable right out of the fridge and goes on to your morning bagel nice and smooth.


How to use it: Spread it on bagels, bagel chips, or “everything bagel” flavored pretzel chips. You can also stir it into chili or mash it into potatoes as you would sour cream.



What it is: This dairy-free offering is made from chia seeds, nuts, and vegetables, but it’s the vegetables that really shine. Potato and bell pepper are at the front of this sauce/spread with a hint of lemon adding brightness and acidity. It’s also really well emulsified; I would expect a product of this nature to separate when left to its own devices, but this saucy cheese impostor keeps it together.


When cold, it’s nothing special, but when heated it becomes a savory, creamy sauce that tastes like a healthy version of movie theater nacho sauce. That may sound like the worst of all worlds, but it’s actually delightful.

How to use it: It’s great as a chip dip (both tortilla and potato), but it would also make a good pasta sauce or topping for vegetables (meta).



What it is: Well, it definitely isn’t aged white cheddar (the texture is all wrong and it just doesn’t taste like it) but it is my new favorite thing. It has a salty, nutty, fermented flavor that is very similar to the processed cheese spreads I gravitate towards at parties. The garlic and onion are prominent and I like it. Truth time: I ate three quarters of the block in an evening. (It’s not the prettiest girl at the dance, but the flavor is top notch.)


How to use it: Spread it on crackers, bread, even fruit. Put it on a party platter next to “real” cheese spreads. Then invite me to that party.




What it is: It’s better than Daiya, that’s for damn sure. I’ve been told by several dairy-abstaining friends that Daiya is king when it comes to grilled not-cheese sandwiches, but I am here to tell you that there is a usurper to the throne, and his name is “Chao.” I did a side by side sandwich comparison using each brand and, while both melted beautifully, the Daiya brand slices had a flavor that just seemed like it was trying too hard. They didn’t taste bad, but the super synthetic almost “butter popcorn” flavor grew tiring after a while. (It might be the pea protein.)


The Chao slices (which are made with coconut and fermented tofu) on the other hand were subtle, creamy, and a dead ringer for off-brand American cheese slices. If you hate the glorious melty fakery of American cheese, you will also hate these, but I love American cheese, and thus love Vegan Chao Slices.

How to use it: Make grilled not-cheese sandwiches. Do not, under any circumstances, eat these cold. They are terrible cold.



What it is: Nutritional yeast is a tasty little number with a really unsexy name. It’s better than shaker Parmesan, in my opinion. (Though not better than fresh Parmesan, obviously.) This umami-packed yellow flake has a great savory flavor and adds a nutty richness to pretty much every food it touches. I’ve been keeping it in my cupboard for years, and I have never been vegan (well, for like two weeks in college, but who wasn’t?).

How to use it: You can sprinkle it on popcorn, vegetables, rice, any savory food really, or you can be a trash person like me and eat it off a plate with your fingers.


Well, I hope we all learned a lot. I learned that Mr. Peanut isn’t the only cultured nut worth my time, and that fake vegan cheese of lies can be actually pretty delicious. I’m not giving up my Dubliner anytime soon, but that Vtopian stuff will always have a place in my fridge.