totally have sex with him_

We also go for nerds because we assume that they're going to be the "nice guys." The flawed logic here is that the type of dudes who prioritize brains over brawn will be less superficial when it comes to the opposite sex—that the torments of their youth have enlightened them, made them sweeter, more sensitive, more loyal, than someone like, say, the star quarterback who grows up entitled, well sed, and generally thinking of himself as God's gift to womanity.

Ever since the fateful day a health teacher first referred to our nether region as a "treasure box," we've been urged to seek out a guy who will appreciate us always and forever (i.e., stop flirting with the fucking waitress). And we've been taught to think this way by everyone from our well- meaning bubbes to Cosmo, the magazine seemingly penned by a drunk brothel madam. A 2010 article titled "7 Reasons to Date a Geek" contained this stunning piece of advice: "Sure, he may secretly want to get it on with his super hot neighbor, but knowing that you're the hottest girl he's ever been with will probably keep him from cheating." In other words: Nerds will treat you like the Second Coming of Christ because it may actually be their second time coming. (Inside a woman, at least.)

But as someone who has spent the past decade dating a whole bunch of nerds, let me tell you: It's all a lie. Of intergalactic proportions.

Just to be clear, I'm sure there are plenty of nice, normal, devoted guys who have blown both literal and figurative loads on Kids in the Hall collector's items, just as there are probably some porn stars with dads who took them to the zoo every Saturday. But they're much rarer than you think. As it turns out, the dark childhood shit that makes nerds _nerds—_the years of rejection and humiliation, cross- pollinated with a quietly simmering superiority complex—makes them, go figure, total disasters to date as adults. Because nerds tend to nurse their high school wounds with the dedication of war widows. Sure, sometimes that makes them more sensitive. But just as often, it makes them more vengeful. Lots of sweet teenage nerds grow up to be huge adult nerd-holes.

Consider my smart, beautiful friend who dated an ex-nerd turned successful comedy writer, who incidentally looks like Michael Cera if Michael Cera were a lesbian. He was mistaken for a girl throughout high school and, as you might imagine, mercilessly bullied. He finished their first bumbling dinner date, she told me, with a "messy, goal-oriented lunge." He continued with the unwelcome mouth jousting and prom king-y pressure to "go all the way" for three more dates. On the fifth, he insisted, with all the smoothness of a bonobo, that they have sex before dinner lest he get "too antsy." My friend was surprised to find so much angry sexual aggression bottled up inside such a slight, "pencil-shaped" geek.

Another friend dated a nebbishy programmer (fun fact: he named his first computer "Pamela") who was shy and nervous and constantly told her how lucky he was to be with her. That didn't stop him from breaking up with her every six months, the minute any other female gave him the slightest inkling she wanted to have sex with him—really big obvious signals like, you know, sending him a Facebook friend request. And every time he launched into the breakup conversation so that he could boink his way up the social ladder, he would start to weep. Because even when he was being cruel, he couldn't entirely shake his harmless-nerd persona. After all, it's the nice-guy-who-never-gets-laid shtick that gets guys-who-never-get-laid laid. Like, all the time.

If you suspect you might be one of the unsavory types of nerds, ask yourself a few questions: Do you see yourself as a perpetual underdog in life's great battle to get action? Do you believe your underdog status entitles you to enact a sort of psychosexual revenge against those who have historically prevented you from getting laid (i.e., women)? Congratulations! You are probably a nerd, and also kind of a dick. Please let me offer some unsolicited advice: There are better ways to work through your childhood torments—like, say, bouncing a basketball or visiting a nice lady with a soothing voice and a prescription pad. You might also consider dropping the whole sensitive, emotionally intelligent, unlucky-in-love mensch act if you're really just looking to add another stain to your Transformers sheets. Women don't mind the occasional cad, if we know what we're dealing with from the get-go. In short: Be honest about who you are. Real men might talk about Jedi mind tricks, but they don't use them.

_Siobhan Rosen is the pseudonym this author is using so her coder-nerd ex-boyfriend doesn't hack her phone and leak the "Wookiee photos." _