BALTIMORE, MD — Early this evening, Ashley Williams exited a taxi in the Hampden neighborhood of Baltimore only to come face to penis with a homeless man masturbating in an alley.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Williams, “He was crouched over and grunting with one hand on the corner of a dumpster, wanking away and staring straight into my eyes. It was very over the top. I could see his old balls swinging back and forth beneath him. I mean, eww!”

Williams immediately flagged down a policeman who booked the man on charges of public lewdness.

The arresting officer, Jim Dixon, released the following statement concerning the arrest:

Earlier this morning, approx. 8:00 am, I arrested a man for masturbating in an alley off The Avenue in Hampden. While this man refuses to identify himself, he has otherwise remained cooperative. Pleading guilty to the charge, he freely admits to all of Ms. Williams accusations. He claims that being raised on the streets, he knows no other way, that masturbating behind dumpsters reminds him of his childhood and he suffers from an Oedipal Complex with a cockroach.

To help elucidate the man’s motivations, I’ve sampled a portion of his confession:

“Sometimes a second of peace is all you need. I rarely shower. That’s how I like it. You see, the dirt and grime mixes with my sweat into a very coarse and rough hewn lubricant that cuts right through the calluses on my heavily-weathered penis. I prefer to make love to myself behind the filthiest dumpster I can find. God I love the smell, the bugs, the whole shebang. Plus, you can’t beat an alley’s view of the street. As a man who wears six coats at a time, the sight of a tastefully dressed woman is really the only fodder I need.”

Another day in Charm City, another nut busted. Thankfully, this nut’s off the streets for now.