Undead Antonin Scalia Returns to Rule Against Obamacare

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia returned to the bench four months after dying today to rule against Obamacare's mandate that religious-sponsored corporations must allow their employees access to contraception through their health insurance.

The appearance of Scalia shocked several court observers, many of whom fled the building in terror when the Justice first lurched through his chambers' door smelling of earth and rot, witnesses say.

"Gar. No…" Scalia's grumbled argument appears on the official transcript of the court's proceedings. "First, mend! Grrr."

The conservative judge, who later drew gasps from the court when a worm pushed its way through his empty eye socket, added: "Bah!"

Scalia, whose opinion was initially interpreted by the respondents as being in favor of the mandate, reportedly pounded his fist against the bench and bellowed when asked if he was indeed voting that way.

"No!" he howled with an emphatic sweep of his moldering arm. "Bomma bad!"

Scalia later bit fellow Justice Elena Kagan, injuring her shoulder.