You say you [malcontent Labour MPs] believe that Jeremy Corbyn is a disaster on a stick, supported by a deluded membership who are happily sleepwalking toward electoral annihilation. Let’s assume for arguments sake that I believe you. Then let me go one step further and actually pretend to be you.

If I was convinced Corbyn was a walking disaster, propped up by a deluded membership, I would never tweet contemptuous tweets about Corbyn. Why? Because I’d know it would cement support for his leadership amongst the members. I’d never let anyone accuse me of preferring to publicly kick the leader than attack the Tories. I wouldn’t want to reinforce my reputation as a supporter of Tory policy, or remind the members of my support for Tory austerity and Privatisation; things that had driven them into the arms of Corbyn in the first place.

If I was genuinely disappointed by Corbyn’s leadership I’d drop him an email or tell him face to face, rather than tweet mocking gifs or snide remarks that could appear in newspapers up and down the land. That way no one could accuse me of contributing to a Labour election defeat. After all, we all know divided parties NEVER win. I’d be a model MP, attacking the Tories at every turn and if I had nothing good to say about Corbyn, I’d keep my lips sealed and my twitter fingers busy. That way when he failed, as you say you’re convinced he will, he’d fail on his own terms. Why would I want to muddy the waters of the inevitable post mortem that followed? Much better for me and the party’s future if it concluded ‘died of natural causes’ and not poisoning.

Now, let’s assume that instead of believing Corbyn was unelectable, I actually feared he could win. Well then I’d do exactly what you’re doing now, and have been doing since the moment he stood for leader. I’d brief to the press, I’d tweet my disdain, I’d plot, I’d plan, I’d have coups and leadership challenges. I’d do the political equivalent of smearing shit over a painting in auction and pray no one would think to wipe the shit off to see the picture beneath. Then, when we started plummeting in the polls ‘thanks’ to my sabotage, I’d rub my hands with glee and pray for by-election defeats to demoralise the members, all the while pointing the finger of blame at Corbyn and his deluded followers. Then I’d pray the members would give up and walk away, or Corbyn would…it wouldn’t matter which because they come as a package.

Except when I say that I would do what you’re doing, I actually wouldn’t. Because I have something called integrity.

You should try it sometime!