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The time I drank too much on a big podcast, Madcucks goes to an LA art show, a dramatic re-enactment of the Waut3rgate leaks, the $15 minimum wage, an apology from McDonald’s, three months to live for one DickHead, Juan’s questions from Facebook, cancer, gay bars, Thomas Jefferson, Maddox the job terrorism, gadgets that I want to bang, the Goss Squad vs. Asterios Kokkinos, the Street Fighter challenge returns, what to do with three months, and Lettuce Jones’ time that didn’t count; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The Dick Show celebrates one year of podcasting this episode and I think I’ve managed to say about half of what I wanted to in that time. Thanks to everyone for listening and sending stuff in and participating in the greatest show on Earth! Here’s to the next 52 episodes! May there be a Road Rage in every city, a Pornsavers in every home, a Santa Cuck in every month, a Goss never left unheated, a boxing match never bitched out on, a story never let untold until next time, a second book never unwritten, a personal and professional reputation never left unharmed, a voicemail never left unplayed, and a nod never left unaffirmative! I promise I’ll reveal the smoke monster soon, but first…

Here I am on the Painkiller Already podcast staring a cast of comedies you’ve definitely heard of. I think I turn into Alex Jones around the three hour mark, but that’s just my over/under. Place your bets. One of these days I’m going to learn that the cure for too much liquor isn’t drinking more liquor, but with purpose. When the only tool you have on hand is liquor, everything looks like a reason to celebrate.



Madcucks bicycles into the DickHaus to debate himself, record two Dicktation audio commentary tracks (one of which will be released this Friday), and just in time to join in on the fun of the stupefying PR crisis that is The Wautergate Leaks! Listen to the episode and read along with us and the rest of the world as I ask Madcucks and wauterboi to dramatically reenact snippets of a text conversation waut3rboi had with the real Maddox; which produced such gems as “fuck the fans” and “Can I get some fucking credit?”

http://files.ilj.io/files/what_i_owe.txt

http://files.ilj.io/files/the_disgusting_thing_asterios_did.txt

http://files.ilj.io/files/make_rage_not_war.txt

Each line is a hit, and this is the box set. My only regret is that I didn’t ask Madcucks and waut3rboi to dramatically reenact them in their entirety. Post your favorite quotes in the comments below. My personal favorite is the following:

“I won’t apologize for the feed, because that was Randy’s fuck-up. There’s a paper-trail for weeks proving it. If I release that for proof, Randy might lose his job.” -Maddox, 2017

How’s this for a paper-trail. No one in Hollywood gives even the slightest hint of a whisper of the thought of a fart about the hijacking of a defunct podcast feed by a dying, late-90s blogger. If you had a microscope that was powerful enough to identify the last vestiges of Maddox’s balls before they disappear forever after his next book fails, that microscope would not be powerful enough to find even the hint of a fuck given by anyone in Hollywood about the hijacking of The Biggest Problem in the Universe’s podcast feed. Science would have to invent some kind of mild-interest acceleration technology, and then a series of high-powered jimmy rustling magnets to focus and accelerate these meh beams of into a nothing burger collision, in the hopes that such an experiment would provide data suggesting even the tiniest fuck might exist under optimal conditions. But it won’t.

The only people who will ever care about Maddox stealing the old feed are the fans who had the shit installed on their phone in the first place. That’s it. Well them and the dumb fucks at Kendal & Hyde who sunk a marketing budget into a fledgling podcast with a falsely-inflated listener base and then went belly-up because they ran out of money before actually making the man purses they were advertising. They should probably care too, but other than that, you’re going to need the Maddox ball-finding microscope.

The feed stealing is and has always been a question of character. That’s why it’s entertaining to talk about on a character driven show. Anyway, here was Maddox’s immediate follow-up to waut3rboi after being exposed to the world as an unhinged, job-threatening piece of shit. I call this piece exhibit D for Double Down!

@dickmasterson But Maddox has actually and verifiably began blackmailing me. pic.twitter.com/ao4sBBgNYa — wauterboi (@wauterboi) May 27, 2017

However, I’ve been told that waut3rboi is wrong when he says Maddox is blackmailing him. I’ve been told it’s actually called extortion.

Here’s waut3rboi’s album on Bandcamp. You can listen, you can buy it, you can do both, you can do either! God bless America.

My Body, the Space Station by wauterboi

The Phone Losers of America send in another prank call: my Rosebud, an apology from the McDonald’s who fucked up my Diet Coke with regular Coke. You might be wondering how I know it’s the same McDonald’s who fucked up my Diet Coke with regular Coke. The answer is simple. I know it’s them because they have all fucked up my Diet Coke with regular Coke at some point and I know they will all do it again. If you want to hear more from the The Phone Losers, check out their prank call album here:

Sorry I Dinged Your Car by Phone Losers of America

Or check out their book!

This parody Twitter account popped up last night. DickOOC. Operated by @PixelArtPanic and @megpen_, it’s a collection of ridiculous things I’d said given with no context. I think it exists to help Maddox with his next hit piece.

I’m just gonna go outside and shoot my gun in the air until I get arrested — Dick Out of Context (@dickOOC) May 29, 2017

And some Dick Pics!



Outro jazz tune by Alex Walker Smith.



Next week, we won’t be talking about Goss–unless something crazy happens.

Thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



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