Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You’re surprised to read that Courtney Love can apparently locate a plane in an entire ocean but still can’t find a tune with both hands and a torch.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Songs are always telling us to reach for the stars, but somehow it’s still your fault when you’re arrested outside a film premiere.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

You wake up and the smell the coffee. You live alone. WHO IS MAKING COFFEE IN YOUR KITCHEN?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Congratulations – getting all the spaces stamped on your STD clinic loyalty card gets you a free test on the house.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

No, I don’t think working in a firework factory allows you to give your job description as ‘rocket scientist’, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

This weekend, why not go to a maternity ward waiting room and tell the bloke next to you you’ll pay for the kid’s shoes if it comes out looking like you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Time to start booking your summer holiday where you’ll sit on a beach doing fuck all rather than at your desk doing fuck all.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Your shoes have gone past the point of odour eaters and have reached the stage of ‘arms limitation treaty’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You doubt your new girlfriend when she says the type of dance she does for a living is ‘ballet’ when she buys a round of drinks from a pint pot full of loose change.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Police stubbornly refuse to believe you’re practising parkour when they find you on a first-storey windowsill of a terraced house at three in the morning.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You’re always the first to get a round in at the pub because you need to neck your drink and scarper before they notice you’ve tried to pay with a Nectar card.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

The chances of you finding happiness this week (4, 3)