If ideas were tangible, freedom would be an anomaly. Judge Judy for Joke Theft. Season 3: The Hidden Tapes.

I open bananas from the bottom because monkeys do. No, the other bottom. Why don’t my friends eat the insects off me?

The first skydiver was a suicide jumper who realized he could change his mind. Or the other way around.

Wearing pants twice in a row discomforts me. I’m a Mike and Ike’s machine: I REQUIRE CHANGE.

My guess is there were many other foggy nights before Rudolph. If I knew for sure, I might say otherwise.

Radiation causes exponential growth. Apply radiation to your business.

The Lord of the Rings Porn Parody Trilogy, and the line, “Share the load, Mr. Frodo”.

HORIZONTAL LINE REPRESENTS PAGE BREAK

Singing to yourself in public is always acceptable, especially loudly and off-kilter. Yes.

I become visually offended by women that choose not to breastfeed in public.

A man puking into the breast pocket of his own suit. Loose belt.

The word ‘janitor’ is to custodians what ‘Jew’ is to Jews. Could be mean, but afraid to ask.

Politics has taught me that humans love to be talked at in analogies. Exterminate Earth, Corporal Xyglorb.

“Don’t quote me on this, but [can’t you just imply entire interviews]?”

A scissor is two knives. Please make steak scissors.

Lists are lazy. Formulate your ideas into paragraphs, you lazy person.