PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards near the couch where she last saw the human sitting before it seemingly vanished into thin air. “I didn’t even see it at first because it blended in against the walls, but then it leaned forward and picked up a magazine. Ugh, it’s a hairy one, and they always move so much faster than you think they will. Ew, ew, ew. If I find him again, I’ll definitely have to bite it.” At press time, the horrified spider called for her husband after discovering dozens of humans scuttling in through the front door for a party.

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