Arrested Development is a character-driven comedy television series about a wealthy but dysfunctional family that aired on FOX for three seasons. The show is presented like a documentary, complete with narration, archival photos and historical footage.

Season 1 [ edit ]

Pilot [1.1] [ edit ]

Gob: Are those police boats? [house band does a rimshot, as if GOB was joking] No, seriously, I think those are police boats. George Michael: I knew it was against the law. George Sr.: That's the Securities and Exchange Commission. Buster: They have boats?

Michael: I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office. Buster: Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was being resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.

Gob: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or candy!

[From the extended pilot] Gob: Not tricks, Michael, illusions. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or cocaine!

Buster: Well clearly the blue part is the land.

Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account. [The others gasp.] Interesting. I would’ve expected that after "They’re keeping Dad in jail."

Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing? George Michael: Breakfast! Michael: ...No. Family. George Michael: Oh right! I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Lucille: If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally. [Flashback to that morning] Lucille: I don't care for Gob.

Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals.

Top Banana [1.2] [ edit ]

George Sr.: This is my vacation, Michael. Michael: You're doing time, Dad. George Sr.: I'm doing the time... of my life!

Lucille Bluth: You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

Gob: I should be in charge. I’m the older brother. Michael: Do you even want to be in charge? Gob: No... but I'd like to be asked!

George Sr.: [repeatedly] There's always money in the banana stand. . . . George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand! Michael: What? George Sr.: Cash, Michael. Michael: Why didn't you tell me that? George Sr.: How much clearer can I say it: "THERE IS ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND!" Prison Guard: NO TOUCHING! George Sr.: NO TOUCHING!

Bringing Up Buster [1.3] [ edit ]

George Sr.: [regarding Buster] Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I — I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know... a little doughy... I dunno. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe. Maybe I just ignored the guy. [the camera slow zooms out to show Buster sitting between Michael and George Sr.] Buster: [After yawning for a long time] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

Gob: Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away... but I won't be happy. Michael: It's personal.

Steve Holt: Steve Holt!

Key Decisions [1.4] [ edit ]

Lindsay: I care deeply for nature. Michael: You're wearing ostrich-skin boots. Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches.

Lucille Bluth: I'll be in the hospital bar. Michael: Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother. Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals. [Cackles at her own wit]

Buster: She's just wigged out because I have a girlfriend. Lucille: A waiter hands him a note and suddenly he's Steve McQueen. He doesn't even know what she looks like. Buster: I know that she's a brownish area with points.

Michael: You're just jumping right into this, huh? Buster: That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that brownish area by its points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says.

Prison warden: You really think you can break out of my prison? Gob: You won't even know I was here. Narrator: The warden was intrigued. Less about the stunt, and more about the prison beatings this brash magician was sure to receive.

Michael: Hey, speaking of kidding, How serious are you about Marta? I get the sense that there’s not much of a future there. Am I reading that right? Gob: [from inside the prison] Let me ask you something. How would you feel if I came down on you hard? Michael: You're saying I'm not reading this right. Gob: No, I'm saying move the bike. I need to jump on you to break my fall.

Marta: I just couldn't find my keys. Michael: Well, my brother may have eaten them.

Visiting Ours [1.5] [ edit ]

Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No: glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up. Kitty: Let me turn the lights off. Gob: Yes, yes, please. Kitty: How's that? Is that better? Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

George Sr.: I just haven't had sex in a month. Michael: You know, you've been here two months. George Sr.: It's hard to gauge time. Michael: Yeah, I'll bet.

Gob: I [bleep]ed Kitty! Michael: Gob! I just wanted you to get the information. Gob: I got the information. Michael: You did, huh? About the international accounts? Gob: Oh, I see what you're getting at. No, I didn't get any information.

Kitty: Gob? I wish I would have know you were coming. I am a mess. Gob: I don't know if a call from me would've changed that.

Kitty: Do you like my outfit? Gob: Not as much as I like what's underneath it. Kitty: Gob! Gob: No, I need your chair. Get up.

Charity Drive [1.6] [ edit ]

Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight. Lindsay: The wetlands. Michael: To do what with them? Lindsay: Dry them. Michael: Save them. Lindsay: From drying.

Lindsay: Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael.

Narrator: Tobias had intended to park the family’s only vehicle at the airport parking lot, but was waved onto the tarmac instead, where he found a spot close to his gate.

Lucille: Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That’s Lupe, her sister. Michael: I hope she’s okay. Lucille: She’s awful. Can barely wash a dish.

Lindsay: (loudly) Well, how embarrassing. My own brother buying me? I'd rather die. (whispers to Michael) Thank you. Maybe you're not that selfish.

In God We Trust [1.7] [ edit ]

[at the prison] Barry Zuckerkorn: Are all the guys in here... you know? [referencing gay inmates] George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, not all of them. Barry Zuckerkorn: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope. George Sr.: Hope? Barry Zuckerkorn: Think.

Lucille: What'd she do, get you drunk? Michael: No, we just, uh, well... we — we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that? Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, "He will if I get him drunk." Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh... her words.

Wayne Jarvis: I use one adjective to describe myself, what is it? Michael: Professional. [Jarvis shakes head and walks out]

Michael: Did I just wake you up? I didn’t even know you were home. Lindsay: No, Michael, I don’t just sleep all day. Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.

Michael: I love Marta. Lindsay: Mom's housekeeper?

Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind the couch. Michael: What a pro.

Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage can. Michael: Guy's a pro.

Michael: [to Lucille] Oh, um... there's a big bowl of candy in my office. Why don't you go eat it? Wayne Jarvis: Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is no candy in this office.

Gob: [to Michael] Well, if it isn't the boy who lives under the stairs.

My Mother, The Car [1.8] [ edit ]

Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities? Lucille: Like it was yesterday. Michael: It was this morning.

Lucille: You're my third least favorite child. Michael: I can live with that.

[Speaking of the surprise party for Lucille] Maeby: We [George Michael and Maeby] don't have to go, do we? Michael: This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Michael: I can't believe she got that driver's license renewed. Gob: She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work, though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. Ended up checking “albino” in the form.

Lindsay: It would just give Dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks. Gob: Yeah, I got some of that. Except he also didn't like my looks.

Storming the Castle [1.9] [ edit ]

Buster: And I'm going to continue dating, Mom. Michael: It sounds a little bit like "dating Mom." Buster: It's starting to feel a little like it.

Michael: Since when are you against leather? Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian. Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive. Michael: You are aware they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Man at the store: May I help you? Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather." Man: Something that says, "leather daddy"? Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?

Michael: I'm a saint, you know. I'm a living saint, and I get absolutely nothing out of it. Lindsay: Well, you get a false feeling of superiority Michael: That is nice, but this time it's not enough.

Cab driver: Where to, mate? Tobias: The Gothic Castle. Cab driver: Gothic Asshole? Tobias: That's what I said.

Rollo: If you care about your brother, you'll get in this car. Michael: Which brother? Rollo: Gob. [Michael leaves]

Lucille: You're the only one who chose a spouse I liked and she had to die. Michael: I know, that's rough for you.

Pier Pressure [1.10] [ edit ]

Lucille: [to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

Maeby: [working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment. Lucille: Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.

Maeby: [working with Lucille] Well, we can go get some ice cream, Gangee. That would be fun, right? Lucille: I don’t think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.

George Sr.: What time is it? Oh, almost sundown. I have to prepare for the Sabbath. Michael: It's Tuesday. George Sr.: Shh...

Michael: You knew the whole time, didn't you? George Michael: Well, sort of. One of the Hot Cops is my choir teacher.

Michael: Tell you what. I'm going to give you the cash, but in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime. Gob: My gut is telling me no. But my gut is also very hungry.

Gob: [about the Hot Cops] These guys are pros, Michael. They're gonna push the tension 'til the last possible moment before they strip. Michael: They're not going to strip, are they? Gob: I told them not to, but I can't promise that their instincts won't kick in.

Public Relations [1.11] [ edit ]

Jessie: We need to make Michael the new face of the Bluth company. He's the only likable one in the bunch. No offense. Michael: None taken.

Jessie: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town. Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out. [Everyone looks at Tobias] You said "single," right? She said "single."

Buster: Uh, I'm unclear about what it is exactly you do. Jessie: Excellent question. What a publicist does— Buster: No, no, I was talking to George Michael. When did you get a job? George Michael: I work at the banana stand. Buster: Oh, duh. I thought you meant, like, a plumber or something, and I was like, when did that happen?

Jessie: Your father's religious now? We'll play that up. It's very sympathetic. Lucille: Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?

George Sr.: [in prison] Gentlemen, we do not wave our genitals at one another to make a point!

Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna. Waitress: Plate or platter? Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.

Marta Complex [1.12] [ edit ]

Gob: Oh, I see. She wants to talk to you. For some reason women feel safe around you. Maybe it's because you've only had sex four times. Michael: Not four times, four women! And they talk to me because I talk to them!

Lucille 2: Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work. Buster: Our relationship doesn't work? Lucille 2: No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother. Buster: It is exactly the opposite. I'm leaving my mother for you. You're replacing my mother. Lucille 2: Well, that's healthy.

Lucille: [holding out a tissue] Blow. Buster: No, Mother. I can blow myself.

Beef Consommé [1.13] [ edit ]

Barry Zuckerkorn: It would help if you would all show up looking like a loving, supportive family. Lucille: For how long? Barry Zuckerkorn: Ten minutes tops. Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.

Gob: [to Michael] Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. I'll give you that.

George Michael: Was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant? Gob: Oh yeah. Dozens of times.

Shock and Aww [1.14] [ edit ]

Lindsay: It's George Michael, he told me. I think he wants a mother. Michael: Well that's ridiculous. He's got you, he's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

Lucille: I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore. Michael: Yeah. That udder's been dry for a while though, hasn't it?

Staff Infection [1.15] [ edit ]

Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits. Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

Missing Kitty [1.16] [ edit ]

George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power. Michael: I do, and I had to — she's crazy. George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

Lindsay: Where's Nana? Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74. She tried pesto for the first time. Imagine that, 92 years old and she never tried pesto. It was wonderful. Just wonderful. Narrator: In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.

Altar Egos (1) [1.17] [ edit ]

Michael: I'm not a one-night stand kinda guy, I don't like lying to women. Gob: These are lawyers. That's Latin for liar.

Michael: Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman. Gob: Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night. Narrator: But he really didn't. Gob: Yes, I did.

Gob: I just had a major night. With a major blonde. Who just majored in Marine Biology, if you know what I mean. Michael: I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

Justice is Blind (2) [1.18] [ edit ]

Gob: And now you love the Ten Commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord." Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Lucille: Is this why you wanted to fight this thing? So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

Best Man for the GOB [1.19] [ edit ]

Gob: I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. Michael: Really? When did that start? Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

George Senior: Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs. Ira Gilligan: It's Ira, sir. George Senior: Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Ira's.

Lucille: I’m going to Annyong’s soccer award ceremony and... Annyong: Annyong. [everyone stares at him] Lucille: ...and I don’t need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are. Gob: Yeah, I think that they're going to know that Annyong's not your -- Annyong: Annyong. Gob: Would somebody please tell this insufferable child... to... God!

Michael: Knock, knock! Where's the married bachelor? George Sr: Michael, I thought you weren't coming. I thought he wasn't coming. Michael: Well, I wasn't going to, but he’s my brother and I'm here to support him. Like all these, uh... hot men and Ira. George Sr: You’re not going to stay? I mean, this isn't your kind of scene. Michael: Dad, please, stay out of it, all right? I'm here for G.O.B. Now where are the strippers? You got a little back room going, huh? Huh? [Gob tries to stop Michael] Michael: No, hey, just relax! I'm as fun as anybody! I can handle a back room. [Michael enters the back room, to the sight of an unconscious stripper and a knocked out Buster] Michael: I'm calling the cops.

Whistler’s Mother [1.20] [ edit ]

George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you? Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law. Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army? Wife of Gob: No, your sister's husband. Gob: Michael? [angrily] Michael! Wife of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother. Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. [happily] You're in love with me — me! Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias. Gob: My brother-in-law? Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army. Gob: To be with your brother. Wife of Gob: No!

Tobias: I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight. Michael: That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard. Narrator: Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

Not Without My Daughter [1.21] [ edit ]

Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

Michael: Lindsay, new outfit? Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom. Michael: You got a price tag. Right there. Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing. Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me. And where did you get that outfit? Lindsay: Old thing got it for me.

George: No, no, look, you were ... you were just a turd out there, you know? You couldn't kick, and you couldn't run, you know? You were just... a turd.

Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. (Talking about the "Girls with Low Self-Esteem" tape) Is this what you want? Tobias: Oh, God, no. Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed. Tobias: Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.

Let 'Em Eat Cake [1.22] [ edit ]

Gob: It's zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning. Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary? George Sr.: My secretary. Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands. Gob: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."

Michael: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family. Lucille: And a lot of love. Michael: More lies.

Season 2 [ edit ]

The One Where Michael Leaves [2.1] [ edit ]

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters. Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people? Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

Dr. Fishman: Excuse me, Mrs Fünke. Lucille: Oh, this guy again. Michael: How is he, doctor? Dr. Fishman: It looks like he's dead. Lucille: Oh, my God! Gob: Oh, little guy. The tears aren't comin'! The tears just aren't comin'! Michael: Uh, just to be clear: looks like he's dead, or he is dead? Dr. Fishman: It just looks like he's dead. He's got, like, blue paint on him or something. But he's going to be fine. Gob: What is wrong with you? Maeby: This [bleep]ing doctor! Dr. Fishman: I'll let you celebrate privately.

Narrator: Tobias went to a try-out for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen. [Tobias gets hit by a car] Narrator: Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn't be seen.

Lindsay: What did he say? Tell me the last thing he said. Tobias: [in flashback] I'm afraid I just blue myself. Michael: He said some wonderful things.

Michael: Well, I better get over there before he brings the whole company down. Lindsay: It's only been three hours. How much damage could he really do? Narrator: In three hours, Gob had done $45,000 in damage.

The One Where They Build A House [2.2] [ edit ]

Lucille: It's not fair to Buster. He's a nervous wreck right now. He's going into the Army, for God's sake. Michael: You volunteered him. Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

Lucille: I want you out of the house. Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.

Tom Jane: I just want my kids back.

Michael: [to Gob] Get rid of the Seaward. Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Amigos [2.3] [ edit ]

Tobias:I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot your wife is dead! [beat] I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I'm, oh...

Michael: We have a private eye, huh? Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything. Michael: Well, he can’t be very good then.

Narrator: Buster was finding himself right at home. Buster: Oh, my God! I used to have a shirt just like that. Narrator: It was Buster’s old shirt. Lucille had given it to Lupe. Buster: And the hand chair! I had one in my room! I wonder where that went. Narrator: It went right there. Buster: [touching his hand chair] I'd never thought I'd miss a hand so much.

Michael: Ann-Hog's coming? Well, load her up in the car.

Good Grief [2.4] [ edit ]

Maeby: Is there any way I can divorce them? Barry: Oh, sure. It’s called emancipation. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment. Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course, they haven’t succeeded yet.

Lucille: What are you doing home? Buster: Army had half a day.

Michael: I think George Michael's hiding Ann in the attic. Lindsay: From who? The Nazis?

Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. [imitating John Wayne] I'm not gonna cry about my Pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. [speaking normally] Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?

Narrator: As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet. But after landing on his mother's housekeeper's head, it flew away. And into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family's kitchen, believing this to be where Rosa lived.

Lindsay: [to Maeby] You know what? I'm going to throw on a skirt, take off my underwear, and make your Pop-pop proud!

George Michael: I have Pop-Pop in the attic. Michael: What? The mere fact that you call making love "pop pop" tells me you're not ready.

Sad Sack [2.5] [ edit ]

Oscar: God willing, he’ll fail boot camp. Michael: Well, why wouldn’t he? He already failed day camp.

Gob: I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails. Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

Afternoon Delight [2.6] [ edit ]

Lindsay: No, you’re not going to that. You see, if I show up with you, it’ll just make me seem like I’m a mother. Maeby: I’ve never thought of you that way. Lindsay: That’s sweet.

Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and uh, she needs something that I can't give her, um... maybe a little afternoon delight? Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Delight, a strand famous for slowing behavior. Oscar: Well, sure, the question is: Which way do I try to get it in her? Michael: I don't need any details. Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie. Michael: Hey!

Gob: I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others? Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.

Switch Hitter [2.7] [ edit ]

Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks. Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast. Lucille: And a piece of toast.

Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city. Gob: That's great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we're saying?

Michael: ...We lost our entire outfield, and a couple of court cases. George Michael: You know who would be great—and not at all litigious—is Ann.

Queen For A Day [2.8] [ edit ]

Michael: [to Buster] Maybe it’s time you got out there and started meeting people. You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn't give birth to you.

Gob: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It’s, like, die already!

Burning Love [2.9] [ edit ]

Lindsay: Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free. Lucille: Really? Did "nothing" cancel?

Tobias: My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did. Michael: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer. Tobias: I haven’t been the perfect husband, yes; I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.

George Sr.: My back is in knots. I haven't had a massage since prison. Michael: Hope that was forced.

Ready, Aim, Marry Me [2.10] [ edit ]

Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with Gob. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gob. Michael: I think that makes the joke on Gob.

Michael: [looking at a gift basket] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction. Tobias: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands. Michael: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can sink your arrow into my buttocks any time. Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing. Tobias: {Holds up tube of edible butterscotch body cream} Butterscotch! Want a lick?

Tobias: [after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"? Michael: Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi. Tobias: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to. Tobias: [on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up! Tobias: Nothing wrong with that. Tobias: [on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can. Tobias: That's out of context... Tobias: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks. Narrator: And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks. Tobias: Tobias... you blowhard! [chuckles]

Buster: Hey, fake Uncle Jack.

Lindsay: Well Gob doesn't do anything for the family... Gob: Hey... I'm [bleep]ing Lucille 2! Lindsay: Oh! I could do something like that...

Out on a Limb [2.11] [ edit ]

Tobias: You know, mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it. Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent. Tobias: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.

Lindsay: That's the first time we were in the shower since our honeymoon. Tobias: And this time, no tears!

Hand to God [2.12] [ edit ]

Dr. Fishman: Excuse me, are you the Bluths? Lucille: Not Doctor Wordsmith. How's my son? Dr. Fishman: He's going to be all right. Oscar: Oh, thank God. Lindsay: Finally, some good news from this guy. George Michael: There's no other way to take that. Dr. Fishman: That's a great attitude. I gotta tell you, if I was given this news, I don't know if I would take it this well. Lucille: But... you said he was alright. Dr. Fishman: Yes. He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be all right. Lucille: You son of a bitch. I hate this doctor!

Michael: Mom, after all these years, God’s not going to take a call from you.

Motherboy XXX [2.13] [ edit ]

Gob: The cow is coming after me. Michael: Your wife? She was super-thin. Gob: She was? What about her cans? She have big cans? Michael: You don't remember her at all, do you? Gob: Hey, it was one night of wild passion! Michael: And yet you didn't notice her body? Gob: I like to look in the mirror.

Lindsay: Oh, God. Not that "I’m in love with my mother" dance thing. I’m so glad there wasn’t one of those for daddies and daughters. Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances. Lindsay: They do? He never took me? Lucille: It was before we did your nose. Toodle-oo.

Immaculate Election [2.14] [ edit ]

Michael: So then, he’s more popular than George Michael? Maeby: Well, that’s like comparing apples and some fruit nobody’s ever heard of.

Michael: You've got to be the laziest person in the world. Lindsay: If you weren’t all the way on the other side of the room, I’d slap your face.

The Narrator: ...And Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father. Steve Holt: I've been wondering my whole life who he is. A scientist, a doctor, a senator? Agency worker: Well, we got some bad news. [Hands Steve a picture of Gob] Steve Holt: Wow... Is that what's gonna happen to my hair?

The Sword of Destiny [2.15] [ edit ]

Buster: Hey! I'm finally being treated like a real person. Not some deformed... Gob: Ah! Hook. I forgot about that there, Elephant Man. We'll have to find something to do so that people can look at you without wanting to kill themselves.

Lucille: My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you. Michael: Well, now I’m a little sicker.

Gob: Michael, I've been looking for you. Michael: Looks like you're looking for dragons... In the future.

Meat the Veals [2.16] [ edit ]

George Michael: Ann just called. They had a pre-dawn mass. Then they were going to mass, so... Michael: Ann’s got a great deal of mass.

Michael: Don't you think they're a bit too young [to get involved]? Rev. Veal: Well, we got serious around his age. Michael: [Glancing at the reverend's wife] Well-who can blame you? You gotta lock that down...

Spring Breakout [2.17] [ edit ]

Scandalmakers Narrator: When allegations surfaced that he’d illegally built homes in Iraq, George Bluth Sr., assisted by his secretary, Kitty, escaped the country... Narrator: Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator. Scandalmakers Narrator: ...only to be found hiding under one of the homes that he himself built. Narrator: He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show’s narrator was known for. Tobias: [As George] I cannot survive under the house. Perhaps an attic shall I seek. Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Gob: Well, gee, I never thought the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be Mom. Buster: She's better looking than the whores you date. Gob: Don't call my escorts "whores." Buster: Mom's still got it! Gob: I DON'T DATE WHORES! Lindsay: Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop. Michael: It’s just Mom and whores.

Lucille: Oh, please. I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub. It’s the only reason you’re here, too. Michael: Hey, look at that. You’re mean sober, too.

Righteous Brothers [2.18] [ edit ]

Gob: Why don’t you get Gob to do your dirty work for you? Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere, or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty? Which is it this time, Michael? Michael: Well, definitely neither of those two things.

Narrator: Gob had hidden his father under a house that had just collapsed. Gob: [Seeing George Michael and Maeby] Children - you're small. Crawl under there.

Season 3 [ edit ]

The Cabin Show [3.1] [ edit ]

Gob: Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael. At least he promised to take you. [bursts into tears] He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood! [sobbing] I didn't even know there was a cabin... he wasn't taking me to!

Gob: Well, I will tell you this, Michael: I don’t have a son... Narrator: He does. Gob: ...But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him! Narrator: Gob was growing up. [Later, waiting for Michael to take him to the cabin] Gob: There's only one sleeping bag, so we're going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket! Michael: Sorry, pal, something came up. Gob: It is worse to know. Narrator: Gob was getting life lessons all over the place.

Lindsay: We did it, Mikey! We're super-rich again. And I'm going to buy a car. The Volvo. [hands Michael a piece of paper] Michael: No, Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money. [looks at paper] And this is not a Vol-vo. Lindsay: Oh, that's from sitting on the copier. Michael, I've got nothing. My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty, that bleached-blonde whore. Michael: He's definitely got a type. Lindsay: I can't believe he left me. I mean, this? [points to her face] And these? [points to her breasts] And this? [holds up paper] Michael: That's the car. Lindsay: Oh. [holds up other paper] This? Michael: Glad I didn't spring for color.

For British Eyes Only [3.2] [ edit ]

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein. George, Sr.: I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

Michael: Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you. Rita: You’ll pay me? Michael: Not... not for sex. You’re going to think that I’m Jack the Ripper, right? Didn’t he kill prostitutes or...? Rita: I’m not a prostitute. Michael: Then I shall let you live.

Gob: Steve Holt's not my son. George Michael: Steve Holt? The moron jock? Gob: That's my son, you pothead!

Narrator: Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets. Michael: I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen. Rita: I'm a very good listener. Michael: Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

Notapusy [3.4] [ edit ]

Gob: Hey, can you do me a favor? A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt will be dropping by, and... Michael: Your son? Gob: According to him. Michael: And a DNA test. Gob: I heard the jury's still out on science.

[During a work-out montage with Michael] Steve Holt: Don't ask "can I?," ask "I can!" Steve Holt: You can control your bladder when you're dead! Steve Holt: No blood, no oil! Steve Holt: There's no "I" in "win"!

Mr. F [3.5] [ edit ]

Michael: Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday... George Michael: A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch? Michael: I want you to look under the pants. George Michael: Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt. Michael: You want to return that? George Michael: What? No, I want to deduct it.

Gob: Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. [looks at Larry the surrogate] What do you think, Dad? A whole, tiny town. George Sr./Larry: Another brilliant idea, Einstein. Gob: Really? You'd like to build it with me? George Sr./Larry: Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm. It's a stupid idea.

The Ocean Walker [3.6] [ edit ]

Michael: She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special. Narrator: She was special. [Flashback] Rita: Are houses terribly hard to make? Michael: Actually, the hardest part is finding the land. Narrator: But she wasn't smart... Rita: Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land. Narrator: ...for Rita had only mentally progressed... Rita: On the ocean. Narrator: ...to the level of a first grader. Rita: There's no land on the ocean. Narrator: Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent. Michael: [pause] You are brilliant. Narrator: Yeah. She wasn't.

Rita: Rita corny, Michael. Narrator: So Michael used a line that was just as corny. Michael: You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married.

[Michael has just revealed that he knows Rita is mentally challenged] Rita: You found out. Michael: Took me long enough. Rita: Maybe you're not smart, either! I didn't know until they told me.

Prison Break-In [3.7] [ edit ]

Michael: Can't a guy call his mother pretty without it seeming strange? Buster: Amen. And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute! Michael: I've opened a door here that I regret. Lucille: Oh, he's just talking about his stupid turtle. Buster: She has a name, Mother, and it's Mother.

Lucille: I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.

Making a Stand [3.8] [ edit ]

Lucille: And that goes into storage, right? Not into your apartment. Painter: Que? Lucille: [to Michael] What's Spanish for "I know you speak English"?

Gob: I've got this Christian girlfriend now and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son and I'm trying to get her to renounce God and [bleep] me and I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

Michael: That’s the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend. Tobias: Well, don’t blame me! Michael: I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.

Lindsay: You know, Mom, I think the only time you cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom died. Buster: You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

Fakin' It [3.10] [ edit ]

Lucille: I just pray it's one of those things where he's unconscious through the whole trial and when he wakes up he gets BIG toy! Michael: Did you do this, Mom? Did you put one of your own sons in a coma so he wouldn't testify? Lucille: Michael, how dare you! Although the thought did cross my mind.

[Gob is using a "My name is Judge" magazine insert inside his ventriloquist dummy] Gob: They'll call me up on the stand, say something like "who is this little friend?", and he'll say... Franklin/Judge: My name is Judge. Gob: Whose name is Judge? Franklin/Judge: My name is... Gob: That's a silly name! Michael: That's enough! Franklin/Judge: ...Judge. My name... Gob: Yes, I am judging your name. It am silly! Franklin/Judge: ...Is... Gob: Oh, now you're correcting my grammar? Michael: Gob, not going to put Franklin on the stand. And your lips are moving just a little bit. Franklin/Judge: ...Judge. Gob: He's right, his name is Judge now.

George, Sr.: I just want my brother to envy my money, but he’s got that hair. Why can’t I have hair and money and him nothing?

Gob: The real problem is that she keeps saying that God is going to show me a sign. The... something of my ways. Wisdom? Michael: It's probably wisdom.

Michael: I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family. Tobias: [entering, to Lindsay] There's the woman I'm sexually attracted to. Michael Okay, but that's the last one.

Exit Strategy [3.12] [ edit ]

Richard Shaw: I’m sorry it took so long, but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Road.

Buster: Let me go with you. I was trained by Army. I speak the language. Michael: You speak Arabic? Buster: La-ach-ha-tem. Michael: What’s that mean? Buster: No, I was just clearing my throat... but I think it actually does mean "laundry," but like a child’s laundry. We don’t really have a word for it.

Development Arrested [3.13] [ edit ]

Tobias: I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to dress up as something more nautically themed. Hot sailors, maybe. Or better yet, hot seam— Michael: I like hot sailors. Tobias: Mmmm. Me too.

Narrator: Although George Michael had only got to second base, he’d gone in head first, like Pete Rose.

Narrator: It was Arrested Development.

Season 4 [ edit ]

Flight of the Phoenix [4.1] [ edit ]

Michael: I was mistakenly voted out of a four-person housing situation in a "pack first, no talking after" scenario.

Borderline Personalities [4.2] [ edit ]

Indian Takers [4.3] [ edit ]

The B. Team [4.4] [ edit ]

A New Start [4.5] [ edit ]

Man: They're the ambiguously gay duo. Tobias: I assure you there's nothing ambiguous about me. I'm Johnny Storm, the human flamer.

Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself? Narrator: And perhaps it was this that would finally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way. Tobias: Daddy needs to get his rocks off!

Double Crossers [4.6] [ edit ]

George Sr.: I have changed, Michael! I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate the way I look. I actually had one cute hat, and it... [starts sobbing] blew off at this CVS parking lot... and this whole car full of black kids ran over it—for no reason! And they saw it! THEY SAW IT!

George Sr.: "I'm so sorry, I thought you were a successful Republican strategist." Waiter: "Why, because I'm black?"

Colony Collapse [4.7] [ edit ]

Gob: [Upon getting shocked seeing a picture of Jesus] For a second, I thought that was a real guy.

Gob: What... what... is it? I... [laughs] You... It's the-the-the-the... the-the questions... you ask so many, of these, of these, of these, these-these questions, that-that-that-that you keep asking f-for me... for-for-for-f-for, sh-should-should-should, should I, should I, should I? Sh-should-should the, should the, should the, should-should the guy, should the guy... [voice breaks] should the guy... Sh-should the guy in the the $32... In the $32, pink-p-p ba-bath-bath-bath... Sh-should-should-should... should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo, should the guy, should the guy, in the $32... in the $3,400... should the guy, come on! Come on! [sobbing] Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Narrator: Gob was uncomfortable with the question.

Red Hairing [4.8] [ edit ]

Smashed [4.9] [ edit ]

Queen B. [4.10] [ edit ]

A New Attitude [4.11] [ edit ]

Gob: [to a group of migrant workers] Who wants to help me build a wall... [Workers show interest] ...to keep Mexicans out of America? [Workers throw garbage at him] Alright, alright... Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason? It's a different wall!

Tony Wonder: I'm here, I'm queer... And now I'm in a chair!

Señoritis [4.12] [ edit ]

It Gets Better [4.13] [ edit ]

Off the Hook [4.14] [ edit ]

Asian bully: This table is for National Honor Society members only.

Lucille 2: Buster, you look different. Buster: Yes, I've been with a black woman.

Buster: I am no longer a Mother-boy, I am a Mother-man!

Blockheads [4.15] [ edit ]

Gob: It's really just the age we live in, isn't it? Take a pill and forget your problems. Take a pill to go to sleep. Take a pill to forget your problems. Need an erection? Take a pill. Need to forget your problems? Take a pill! Take a pill and your problems are forgotten! Take a pill... What an age we live in! It's great!

Season 5 [ edit ]

Family Leave [5.1] [ edit ]

Everyone Gets Atrophy [5.3] [ edit ]

An Old Start [5.4] [ edit ]

Sinking Feelings [5.5] [ edit ]

Emotional Baggage [5.6] [ edit ]

Premature Independence [5.8] [ edit ]

Cast [ edit ]