New Era has released its 2017 Red Sox spring training cap, and it is a nice item I shall capsplain forthwith.

[extremely auto mechanic voice]

So what you’ve got here is your basic New Era 5950 sport cap, 100 percent polyester, fitted sizes only. It’s basically your average 3930 sport cap, but it’s not a stretch fit, and instead of “Red Sox” on the back, it has the MLB logo. Also, it’s got your nice Florida/interstate logo on one side and the New Era logo on the other. So that’s what you’re dealing with. Overall, a very nice piece of headwear. Don’t get me started on the New Era logo, though.

[you ask: What about it?]

It’s HORSESHIT.

[you backpedal, but I do not notice. I’ve dropped the auto mechanic voice and I’m just screaming at you]

I mean, do we need to see the New Era logo at all times? At this point, the only Sox cap that doesn’t feature the logo is the official on-field version, and that can’t be too far behind, what with the Celtics putting GE on their jerseys and whatnot. And get this: The on-field cap costs less than the Spring Training cap!

[you respond in Charlie Brown nonsense voice]

I KNOW! The spring training cap is $37.99, which is sort of silly, but I get it. You’re down in Florida, you have a couple beers, that thing looks really nice. I’d buy it in a heartbeat if I was there, but unless I am, or someone who was there gives it to me, I don’t see the point. The spring training gear exists solely to alert people that you had some sort of proximity to spring training and little else. A lot of old people go to spring training, so they can jack up the prices, too. That’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.

[you try to leave]

Let me tell you a story. I was in Arizona for a Rockies/Diamondbacks preseason game at the Salt River Fields a few years ago. It was the day after my brother’s wedding, and none of us had really slept, so we turned the beer faucet back on, so to speak. So at some point I decide I want to get me a souvenir. I go in the shop and pick out a T-shirt I think I like and pay nearly $40 for the thing. Whatever; it was a celebration.

[you pantomime hanging yourself]

Yeah, yeah. Did you know they have sunscreen dispensers in the stadium? That makes so much sense I’m appalled the big-league teams don’t do it. What was I talking about?

[you point to my shirt]

Right. The shirt.

So at some point I try to put it on and it’s too small. In my drunken haze, I have underestimated my fatness. Now I need to return the T-shirt, which, above all things, is a T-shirt. Except when I go in the store I see another T-shirt I had missed before, and it’s better, and also very much a T-shirt, so I bring it to the counter to do an exchange.

By this point I’m blasted and I don’t really understand what’s happening, but there’s some sort of discrepancy in the prices, so I give my card to the cashier and see a bill for $35. Nice! A cheaper shirt! I sign and go on my way.

I bring the shirt down to my brother, new sister-in-law and the gang and show it off, and everyone loves it because my taste is great. I take the tag off, put it on and feel superior af. Life is great.

[you, not being stupid: But you obviously didn’t check the price!]

But I obviously didn’t check the price. It was a $75 T-shirt! There was name or number on it, nothing stitched, none of that. It was soft cotton, but come on.

[you ask, What did it look like?]

It was nice, but it wasn’t worth $75.

[you ask, Can I go now?]

Sure. And if you go to Florida, pick me up one of those spring training caps, size 7 1/4. Though honestly, I’ve found that you need to try them on individually, because the marked sizes vary in fit, but there’s no way for you to know if it’s gonna work or not, so in this case, you just gotta go with God. I’ll Venmo you.

[you are gone]

The 2017 Spring Training Red Sox 5950 cap, at $37.99, receives a 4 Sox out of 5 rating