Arsene Wenger has spent years trying to work out what motivates Theo Walcott. It turns out all you need to promise him is a Nespresso coffee machine. It turns out that Walcott his furiously chasing ten goals before Christmas due to being on a promise with his wife Mel. No, not that kind of promise – she has just given birth after all. Melanie has told Theo that ten goals equals a coffee machine, and not the one Joey Barton put on eBay after being sacked by Rangers.

Pochettino has worked out why his team is not as good as it was last season, and has called out Moussa Sissoko for not doing enough. Mike Ashley and the majority of Newcastle fans are pissing themselves uncontrollably and even Everton are relieved they dodged that bullet. This is what happens Poch, when you sign a player off the back of a couple of good games in a summer tournament. Did Ferguson and Karel Porborsky teach us nothing?

On Sunday afternoon I lazily suggested José may not bother coaching players anymore and that he just buys finished products and makes them worse. To prove me wrong he is currently being linked to Atleti’s José Giménez who will cost around £50m. That’s me told then, and Giménez will definitely be better than any of the academy defenders that José could call upon and, er, develop. José has also been charged by the FA for kicking a water bottle quite hard in the game against West Ham. To be fair to José, it looked like he was trying to show Pogba that even he could kick an object straight and he didn’t even play professional football, let alone cost anyone £89m. José now has as many sendings off as home wins since cajoling United into giving him the gig. It is now their worst start to a season in 26 years. Chelsea are 17 points better off than this time last season, United 7 points worse off. It’s these kind of facts that have LvG and Moyes dancing in their respective kitchens.

Barcelona are clearly in the market for anyone that looks like they can play as an attacking right back and would appear to have ruled out Stoke’s Glen Johnson. Victor Moses though, he fits the bill perfectly having played almost 9 games there now.

Adam Lallana might get offered the chance to pause his career indefinitely if PSG follow through on their threats to offer £60m for him. Kloppo could do without that distraction as he is going to be without Coutinho until 2017(!!) or for six weeks, which sounds far less dramatic.

Alan Pardew needs to make radical changes to his style according to, well, just about everyone. Palace’s owners will check the reaction of the players in training, so if the players have any gumption they will train like they played in injury time on Saturday. The winter gloom in South London can only be made gloomier by the shadow of Big Sam. Still, it’s not all bad for Palace. They could use some of the money that they are getting back from Pulis on Pardew’s severance. Yes, Tony Pulis has been found guilty of “deceiving” a tribunal over money paid to him when he left Palace a few years ago. That makes a change from him deceiving football fans into thinking they are coming to watch a team play football.

Gareth Southgate must be one hell of a salesman. He is currently trying to persuade Steve Holland that a good career move would be to jack it in with Antonio Conte and the Premier League leaders and come and be found guilty by association the next time England crash out of a major tournament. Southgate would prefer it if Holland was on his bench full time, rather than maybe picking up some useful habits and traits by coaching some talented players everyday, rather than some overpaid, under talented players once every three months or so. Gareth, pull that one off and a career in selling renewable energy awaits you.