Finally, vegetables have a TV show of their very own. Not human vegetables. Don't be daft. This is way beneath them. I'm talking about actual vegetables: carrots, potatoes, turnips, cauliflowers … such is the target audience for Live From Studio Five (Five, daily, 6.30pm). Clearly too stupid for human consumption, it is instead aimed squarely at cold, unfeeling lumps of organic matter with no discernible minds of their own. And it succeeds brilliantly at keeping them entertained. I watched last Monday's episode in the company of a clump of broccoli, and it was held in a rapt silence throughout. Well, most of the time. To be honest, I think it drifted off a bit during a Backstreet Boys report. And I had to slap it awake at the start of each ad break. Apart from that, it was spellbound.

Yes, here is a TV show that makes any and all previous accusations of "dumbing down" seem like misplaced phoney-war hysteria. A show providing less mental nourishment than a baby's rattle. A show with a running order Heat magazine would consider frighteningly lightweight. A show which, incredibly, boasts Melinda Messenger as its intellectual touchstone. A show dumber than a blank screen and a low hum. Anyone who willingly tunes in to watch this really ought to be forced to work in the middle of a field for the rest of their life, well away from any technological devices (such as motor vehicles or microwave ovens) with which they might inadvertently cause harm to others.

In short: this is quite a stupid programme. It's hosted by Messenger, Ian Wright and Kate "The Apprentice" Walsh. Inoffensive in isolation, once combined they demonstrate the sort of chemistry that could close down a public swimming pool for 25 years. For one thing, they all stare and smile down the lens throughout, as though they've been asked to imagine the viewer is a backward child at a birthday party. Kate in particular grins like a woman being paid per square inch of revealed dentistry.

According to the official website the show is "a mix of celebrity interviews, gossip and banter wrapped around a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about". In other words, it's a torrent of flavourless showbiz porridge interspersed with occasional VTs about Ronnie Biggs or 12-year-old sex change patients or whatever else the tabloids are moaning about.

Last week they managed to wring 12 punishing minutes out of the "Alesha Dixon on Strictly" debate, a story of interest only to people too dim to wipe themselves after a bowel movement without referring to an illustrated step-by-step instruction sheet at least six times during the process. First we were treated to a report which summed up what the tabloids thought, including some vox pops in which random imbeciles shared their views. Then it cut back to the studio, where the hosts summarised what we'd just seen (for the benefit of the more forgetful carrots in the audience), before reading out emails in which some different random imbeciles shared their views. This was followed by a commercial break which included an advert encouraging people to read books.

When the hosts aren't smiling or introducing VTs, they're sharing their opinions. For instance, last week Ian Wright read out a story about David Hasselhoff's alleged drink problem, and summed it up by saying, "Wossee playing at? I mean, sort it out!" Then he did a sort of open-palmed "it's-common-sense-innit" shrugging manoeuvre. Thus the issue was settled in time for the Bananarama interview.

Still, knocking the hosts is pointless. They're hardly trying to present Newsnight. But the VTs – astoundingly – are, in fact, created by actual news journalists. Live From Studio Five is the product of Sky News. Which makes it part of Five's news quota. This – in case I haven't yet repeated the word "news" often enough to hammer it home – is a news programme.

THIS IS THE NEWS. Melinda Messenger, Ian Wright and Kate Walsh are PRESENTING THE NEWS. In other words: welcome to the end of the world.