Dear Girls Who Wear Cat Ears in Public,

I waited to write this letter until after Comic-Con, out of respect for your most sacred holiday, but now that your free pass to dress up like an Anime thing nobody has ever heard of has expired, it’s time for us to talk. Now that that’s out of the way, I want to start out by saying that there was a world-wide memo that went out in about 2006 letting everybody know that we weren’t going to tolerate Hot Topic anymore. You must have missed it, but I assure you, everybody else knows.

Now, as a betch, I fully understand your desire to dress up as a sexy animal. It is human nature for girls to pair a bodycon with ears and try to make out with people. That’s why society set aside a day for people to do this. It’s called Halloween, and it’s this month, actually. So there’s some good news!

You’re probably sitting at your computer right now, violently hissing at the screen and wondering why I care what you wear. I don’t care what you wear. I care what you wear in my face. Like, I’m trying to read Gone Girl on the subway and now I can’t because there is a cat girl in my face batting her super-lined eyes at dudes with glasses and trying to figure out which one is into cat stuff enough to fuck her. I don’t want to know about this. It makes me wish the internet didn’t exist and I’d never heard about furries and I could go back to a time when people dressed up in furry suits were just mascots and not sexual to anyone, but we don’t live in that world anymore. (Note to people who don’t know what furries are: You could easily Google this, or you could spare yourself and not Google it and live in blissful ignorance for the rest of your life. If I could have chosen, personally, I would have chosen ignorance.)

So I guess, at this point, you know how I feel. Now I just have a bunch of questions. Why cats? Like, seriously, why the fuck is everyone so obsessed with cats? Cats are okay, I guess. Like I’ve seen cute cats and enjoyed petting cats in my life, but mostly they just make my friends’ apartments smell like shit and don’t love you back, much like most bros. Secondly, and most importantly, WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE CATS SEXY? I don’t understand! They are animals! Relatively small animals! Why is it socially acceptable for people to want to fuck people dressed up as them? It’s fucking weird. I want to fuck people who are dressed up as people. Or people who are naked and are people. But being a person is like, important.

This whole thing with cats, I just can’t with it anymore. I don’t want to see the word “meow” written on anything ever again. Why is saying meow sexy? That’s not even what a cat says when it wants to fuck. If you want to look like a cat in heat, instead of putting on some fake ass cat ears and saying “meeeeeeow” to dudes you should walk around with your open vag exposed and screaming at the top of your lungs. Oh you don’t want to do that? Well then I guess you’re not a fucking cat because that’s what cats do. Sorry.

Ugh, honestly writing this is making me extremely angry. It’s making me think about this girl who went to my high school who used to wear cat ears (both black and cheshire) and kept a speaker in her backpack so she could blast screamo while she walked around in the hallway and nobody could ask her to stop because she had “problems.” She got expelled for yelling FUCK THE SYSTEM and blowing an airhorn during our winter holiday assembly and nobody fucking missed her. Is that who you want to be? Do you want to be that girl who’s name I can’t really remember?

So can we just come to a compromise? You don’t wear cat ears in fucking public where I have to see you most days, and then when you’re in your own bedroom or on Halloween you can wear whatever the fuck you want. Seriously. Whatever you want. Ears. A tail. Those cat eye contact lenses—whatever you want.

Sincerely,

Jane Duh

PS: On second thought, please don’t ever wear those cat eye contact lenses.