June is the month of Gay Pride parades and celebrations. It’s also the month when two women killed themselves in

because society wouldn’t let them be together. Sunday Times finds out why ‘lesbian’ is a dirty word in India

‘Kyare malishu, have kyare malishu, aavta janmare have pacha malishu’ (When will we meet, when will we meet again, we will unite in the next birth). With these last words scrawled on a polystyrene plate with red lipstick, Asha Thakor and Bhavna Thakor jumped into the Sabarmati river in Ahmedabad earlier this month. Also among the bodies found the next day was Asha’s three-year-old daughter.Asha, 30, and Bhavna, 32, met while working in a plywood processing factory less than a year ago. Both had been married for over a decade and had two children each. Had they found love and companionship away from their families? What happened between them is a matter of conjecture but it is clear that after two days on the run, the two women felt that their world had no safe space for them.The Ahmedabad double suicide has again heavily underlined how the LGBT community suffers under the continued criminalisation of homosexual acts under section 377 of the IPC. Perhaps the worst affected are those who identify as lesbian or trans women. In a patriarchal society where control over a woman’s sexuality is the norm, for a lesbian to assert her sexuality becomes doubly difficult, even potentially dangerous.Sonia, 33, realized she was lesbian when she was 13. "But my parents would keep taking me to a tantrik to cure me," she says. When that failed to have any effect, they confined her at home, allowing her out only in the company of a family member. Sonia became depressed and suffered panic attacks. This led to years of being hauled off to psychologists, being medicated, confined, and even subjected to violence from family members.Sonia finally found the courage to run away and move court with the help of Delhi-based support group Sangini. "My family wanted to declare me depressed and incapable of taking care of myself but the court denied them custody," she says. Though free from family pressure, Sonia has had trouble holding a job and managing relationships. In recent years, she has moved back in with her family, but her father still does not speak to her.A 2005 TISS study found that disclosure of sexual orientation by lesbians was often linked to violence, which comes predominantly from the family. Even when there’s no violence, they face the pressure to marry, are forced to separate from their partners or live a life of lies and subterfuge.Mumbai-based Namrata feels that even within the LGBT community, women are less visible than men. "It is easier for men to come out and express themselves, whether at protest rallies or gay parties," says the 32-year-old.In a blog in April on Gaysi, a Mumbai-based online space for the queer , a lesbian woman points that a gay man, though often imagined to be this effeminate stereotype that the general heteronormative community cannot take seriously, is still a man. "He can choose and work for his own economic independence in whatever way he wants to, and he can get away with a lot by the sole virtue of being a man. For most Indian women, this is not even an option. From a very early age, we are told that marriage and motherhood will be the pinnacles of our lives. Coming out as a lesbian is a huge thing for any Indian woman; you not only risk estrangement from your family, you also have personal safety at stake," she writes.Bengaluru-based IT professional Dolly Koshy, who identifies as lesbian, says that only a small percentage of gay people are able to resist the emotional and mental pressure to marry. "Though men have the burden of taking the family forward, they can manage a dual life. Even if they are married, male privilege allows them the freedom to seek other relationships," she says. Koshy was outed when she was 13 years old and her parents made her read sections of the Bible to tell her that she was a sinner. Over the years, however, they have come around.LGBT rights activist Anjali Gopalan hits the nail on the head. "Nothing challenges patriarchy more than lesbianism. You are saying you don’t need a man. This does not go down well with heterosexual men or women either," she says adding that even in the LGBT world, lesbians the world over struggle to occupy spaces or be heard.Anahita Sarabhai, founder of QueerAbad, said that it’s not easy to lead a life as LGBTQ but for women it becomes more difficult as they are expected to live by rules they did not choose. "Social media and other platforms now have provided the community space to discuss issues. Still, women have to fight daily battles," she said.Two Uttar Pradesh girls approached the police last week seeking protection from their parents, to get married.When choices become unbearable, suicide becomes the last resort. Sonia recalls dark moments when she tried to overdose on depression pills. "It was the support of friends that convinced me not to give up," she says.Despite the loneliness, Sonia is hopeful that there will be a change in attitudes. "The law must change. If section 377 goes, society will change," she says.