MONTREAL – Engineering company SNC Lavalin held a press conference this week, claiming that despite corruption charges, they are still “by far the most honest company in Montreal.”

Company representative Gaspare Dallaire named various Montreal-based companies with worse track records, including The Federal Bridge Corporation, whose leader Michael Fornier admitted to accepting 2.3 million dollars in bribes. “Yes, some of those bribes were from SNC Lavalin,” said Dallaire. “But you must understand, our bribes were a joke compared to the others.”

Dallaire went on to point out the contribution of politicians to Montreal’s ongoing corruption. “Former Mayor Michael Applebaum was jailed for taking bribes,” said Dallaire. “And don’t get me started on what the folks at St. Hubert are up to.”

“At least when we win a shady contract, we simply do a piss-poor job of it,” continued Dallaire, referring to their work on the notoriously substandard and over-priced McGill University Health Centre. “According to public records, the crumbling highways leading into Montreal have been completely replaced 67 times, and I’ve never seen so much as a guy with a hammer.”

Dallaire then addressed charges of suspect international business activity. “Yes, we may have defrauded Libyan businesses for over $130 million. But at least they weren’t Canadians. Toronto gave Bombardier $1 billion to revamp their transit three years ago, and I’m pretty sure they forgot!”

If convicted, the company, which employs over 8,500 Canadians, would be barred from bidding on federal projects for 10 years. “Think about what that would do to the Montreal workforce,” pleaded Dallaire. “We can’t all be Hell’s Angels who shake down motorists to make ends meet.”

Dallaire concluded that with only 80% of their board of directors having strong mob ties, they are the last Montreal company that should be targeted. “SNC-Lavalin is widely considered to be Quebec’s Corporate Crown Jewel. Cut us loose, and the next in line for this title is a Depanneur that sells rosé to high school kids. And not even the good stuff, either.”