This year for Suicide Awareness Day, I'd like to express how grateful I am to still be alive.



It's been over 10 years since I tried to end everything. I don't talk about it and maybe a small handful of people even know about the struggles I went through back in the day.



Back in 2009, I had decided I no longer wanted to be alive because I hated myself. I hated life. I hated feeling like I had to prove to every individual around me that I wasn't worthless.



After years and years of bullying from peers I had been driven into a black hole of thinking I could never measure up to the expectations or standards of those I valued the most. Even if they were sometimes the ones who made me feel the worst about myself. All I ever wanted was to appease the hate and make everyone realize all I wanted was to have friends . . . I wanted companionship outside of my dogs who forever greeted me so lovingly at home.



All I wanted was to be involved in the social circles, find stuff to relate to with others . . . yet, because I was brought up quite a bit different than others, I was often met with that stone wall of being too different. Too weird.



I was such a different person 10 years ago . . . It blows my mind how different I used to be. How hard I tried to catch the attention of others as I made myself out to look like a fool. Falling out of my chair, having my laugh attacks . . . blushing and balking like the insecure person I was.



I remember all the years of bullying . . . There's a huge portion of my childhood that's repressed and forgotten because all my child-mind could focus on was how terrible I felt life was. The confusion of never fitting in - having to go to counseling with other students because we simply couldn't get along . . . the days of being told I was trash and no one cared, and that I was better off dead.



I recall the warfare in the grade-school gym, especially against those who rallied behind the one lady who consistently made each day a living hell . . . to the point that most of my youngest years I recall are of crying to myself on the playground. Hiding in the stairwell because I didn't want to be found by the others because I knew they'd just be mean to me and tell me things that would hurt.



I recall how after elementary school there was the intermediate school days, when things seemed to just escalate. I remember being so desperate to make friends I would do almost anything to appease the ones that treated me the worst. Yet, they would just take advantage of my desperation and turn it around on me.



I'm sure there's plenty of good memories in between everything, but I have such a hard time recalling those times . . . I wish I only remembered the positive times and could forget about all the bad.



There was one instance when Middle School rolled around that many of the ladies in the locker room all rallied together and wanted to kick my ass because I pushed another lady who had been picking on me. I remember locking myself in the teacher's office and hiding scared because I knew if I stepped out, they were going to hurt me.



Then, there was High School. I don't remember much leading up to 2009. I do remember what happened in school seemed to follow me home at one point as some of the ladies lived down the street from me.



I remember being thrown down into that hole and told I was better off buried because no one would miss me. I remember being teamed up against at the corner of my block . . . that was one of the first times I finally began to take a stand. I didn't back down as I anticipated the two ladies beating me down. Yet, my only saving grace was that one of their mom's came pulling up and broke everything up . . .



It was some time after that that my self-esteem was so destroyed that I finally decided I no longer wanted to live. I believed life sucked, that I would never amount to anything, and I would forever be tormented and abused. If not verbally, then physically or mentally.



I was sick and tired of never being good enough for those around me. I was sick of feeling so worthless . . . and after so many years of feeling that way continuously, I attempted suicide.



I was only 16 when I made the decision to do what I did believing I would just go to sleep and never have to worry about waking up to face another day being tormented by my peers. However, what transpired instead made me wish I COULD HAVE just fallen asleep and never woken up. Instead, I got so sick that I realized dying was nothing but painful. I realized over the next little while that I would have rathered died than survived and be forced to heal from my stupidity.



My attempt failed miserably . . . but, thank goodness it did. It was in those following months that I decided I didn't care what those around me said or did. It was in those following months that I had my last major wipe out on the dirt bike, also.



I got up, kick started that bike like I kick started my life. I road myself home with my cousins right behind me. Even now I feel like that pain was nothing. Nothing compared to the years I spent feeling worthless, spent wanting to die, spent wanting to just make friends and forever feeling so alone and isolated.



2009 was when I got Herbie. We sold the dirt bikes and dumped the idea of my getting a racecar. Instead, I got my ever faithful Porsche.



It was during the time of learning to drive stick that I decided I wanted to make moves in making life better. So, I enrolled into the gym and got set up with a really nice trainer. I also enrolled in karate and worked my ass off well into 2010.



That was the year that I had my gallbladder attack and almost died. I spent weeks in the hospital and no one but one very, very good friend and my family came to see me and keep me company.



I really thought I was going to die there. Since '09 I had dealt with abdominal pains that could've knocked a horse over. Haaa! Little did any of us know that the pain was from that tiny, yet failing organ. So, by the time I was finally admitted into the hospital I was a sick mess. My white blood-cell count was so far off the charts no one knew what was wrong, or if I was going to make it.



Thinking back, all of that was still nothing in comparison to almost dying a year before. Although, I feel as though my stupidity the year before was what led to the gallbladder incident.



I quit Karate after that and spent plenty of time recovering from my extraction. It was late into the school year of 2010, after recovering, that I finally took a stand against those who thought they could continue bullying me.



It was after a few classes of passing notes among each other that it was decided that there was going to be a fight. I told myself I was not going to back down. I would face their threats and either go down in a pile of hurt, or I was gonna show the world I was done with being the underdog. Done with being treated like I was sub-par and inadequate.



2010 marked the year that I encountered my 7 on 1 fight. I remember pushing the first lady and the other 6 jumping in to defend their cousin. I remember I spent the majority of the battle throwing people over tables, throwing them off me, throwing them to the ground . . .



It was an intense, exhilarating, LIBERATING battle. The fact that I was left standing was unfathomable . . . It was like a WWE Royale battle, and there I was a hot mess . . .



It was after all of that that many things turned around. Fewer people picked on me, everything seemed to calm down and for the first time in all my school years I found some peace. I found a couple friends and was able to invest in a group of individuals that I could kind of talk to. We mostly related over Herbie and the fact that she was a Porsche in the shop getting ready to be my ride.



2011 was really the year that the fruits of my life began to ripen. I found Michael. We went to prom. I graduated High School. I survived one of the hardest chapters of my life.



--



Even though this year has been full of ups and crazy downs . . . nothing will ever compare to the years back yonder. Even when times get so rough I feel the depression in my eyes, I remind myself that now is still never going to be as painful as then.



I have a choice in this life as to what I have to tolerate and put up with. I have a choice in my own happiness and I have a choice to pave my own pathways into a successful tomorrow. We all do.



I'm so thankful that I survived 2009. I'm so thankful that I have achieved so many moments of self-growth over the last decade. TBH, I never thought I would have made it this far. I never thought I would see 20, let alone 26. But, now that I'm here, I just want to keep moving forward and see what life has to throw at me.



Even on my darkest days of falling into that black hole of depression that is forever just a slip away . . . I remind myself that today is not as painful as the yesterdays I have already survived.



Although, I forget sometimes . . . Sometimes, I still slip into that hole and find myself feeling worthless, feeling as though I'll never achieve anything in life, but I know deep down that there's people in the world now that love me. That support me. And, always hope the best for me. It's reminding myself of that that also helps me in continuing on.



I haven't ever wanted to give up like I did back then. I find strength in trying to continue fighting to achieve the unreachable in this life. It's empowering and I often find myself reflecting in knowing that I have survived what many have not. It makes me want to fight harder each day for those who struggle with that depression, that feeling of worthlessness, loneliness . . . It makes me fight each day to ensure that everyone I encounter never has to feel the way I once felt. I wouldn't wish those feelings of darkness upon anyone. Ever.



It's why I dedicate my survival and my life to trying to be there for others and being that somebody anybody can turn to. I know what it's like to be so trapped in my mind, so depressed, and so unwilling to look forward to another day that, if I can prevent someone else from feeling that way, I'll do what I can. Easily.



So, for September 10, 2019, I hope everyone takes a moment to tell friends and family that they are loved, that there is hope for the future, that they are NOT alone and that their pain is never overlooked. For this Suicide Awareness day, I hope everyone takes a moment to remember all the friends and family that are no longer with us and continue to love them. I know I sure miss all those I have lost to suicide.