After a recent and regrettable run in with the Turkish Police, our resident expert whisky reviewer and used car salesman Giuseppe Linguini is back and has agreed to take a look at some recent NAS releases for us in a Whiskysponge exclusive.

Ciao! Is Giuseppe Linguini here after big long time away in forced holiday. Special education for all people using eyes to read this: do NOT be ever mistaking Haig Club with baby oil in Turkish man bath!

But enough with unpleasantries! Giuseppe is here to be tasting in you some NAS whiskies of newness. These are special drams which say same about age as ladies attending Berlusconi Bunga Bunga party. So it give Giuseppe great micro-pleasure to make for you some sniffing notes for these whiskies. Please stay tuned for next paragraph…

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve. Inside bottle AD 2015.

Colours: Is like looking into the heart of a Liberal Democrat.

Noses: Like to be inserted into foam banana nose pronto! Massive inklings of glue of many varieties. Same type of blue tack Giuseppe is using to make rear bumper of Honda Civic stop self-removing on motorway. Now intense aromas of lightness and elegant suggestings of sick from drunken Scottish man post-chips. Continuesome aggressive punchings of cheap pears from Aldi and total spanner in nose.

Tastings: Like to be back in time when first wife is spraying Giuseppe in face with 1997 can of Lynx Java after intense momentary touchings of waitress. Notations of steamed crayons, laminated barley and defenestrated 1970s toastie machine. Total acrylic overload like spaceship of cheap dildos to fly into open mouth. Now hintings of whisky flavoured condoms and suggestive butterflies of old Glenlivet 12 year old but without drinkable parts.

Finishings: Is gone like snail eyes from pokey child finger.

Thinkings: Is shit.

Stars out of 100 : 62/100 (Like to be waking up at 3.30 in the AM to dark room with TV still on cheap porn channel)

Ardbeg Perpetuum. Silver label version for standard people who cannot take auction stocking holiday to Islay for creamy label version. Inside bottled AD 2015.

Colours: Pinot Blanc with jaundice.

Noses: Whole fat beginning with many notes of Rollercoaster, Auriverdes, Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Corryvreckan and Supernova. Now follows sensational distinctness of board game of snakes and ladders made of peat. Now boarding ocean liner of sweetness on journey through smoke to land of vanilla. Taking with us in luggage is old hospital chimney and beach salad.

Tastings: Is total immediate mouth taste of Ardbeg. Suggestings of hidden slipper, Chartreuse vinegar, chamomile coffee, lightly peated Octomore, heavily peated Speyburn and old men of angry bus stop. Now packs of wet fighting dogs – like type used in Alsace for whiskybling.com – also splash of pickled kumquat and overt reminder of being locked in kipper shed by second wife after making her watch film ‘Pain & Gain’ for third time.

Finishings: Middle of road length. Remains in mouthbrain like film of Adam Sandler.

Thinkings: Is very nice for Ardbeg to make special re-labelling of their whisky for bicentenary.

Stars out of 100 : 85/100. (Like to stumble into path of oncoming Fire Van in middle of night.)

Talisker Skye. Inside bottle AD 2015.

Colours: Wooden Tiger

Noses: Instant wooden bubble gum in huge upper nostril inflation but then giving passage to aromas of false marxist orange. Total inoculation with scraped cask nuggets and lashes of salty whip. Is making life hard for nose. Like Talisker regular without the goodness. Now escaping wildness of imagined seashore like to be in holodeck of Starship Enterprise with Data and Captain Picard. Next Generation Talisker!

Tastings: Minced tea leaf, wood compote and Talisker air infusing with virgin oak matured fart. But now some nicely greeting flavours of seaweed toasty and de-condensed milk. Is moving in many directions like when attempting to make text message in driving while third wife is introducing hand bag to face. Coincidental further suggestions of handbag. Final nail of flavour is aspirin liqueur with roasted fishing boots.

Finishings: Finishes up in mouth like Boko Harum. Only more damaging with wood!

Thinkings: Is good name because sky is best place to send whisky.

Stars out of 100 : 65/100 (like to see distress flare in forest at night but to get distracted by local dogging hotspot).

Tasting is total over now as Giuseppe has bleeding mouth and is having expectations of delivery of fresh mud guards.