The fifteenth of July, 2012

“Where’s your dad? I thought he was upstairs, but he isn’t,” said my mother, who had just got home from work.

“Out working I guess, I haven’t seen him all day.” I replied, nonchalantly. I had been home all day, watching TV in my pyjamas, since I wasn’t feeling very well. It was now 5pm.

“But his car is in the garage?” Mum said.

My heart did a little flip, as if I was on a rollercoaster. Something was wrong.

READ MORE:

* Suicide: 'We're disconnected and failing'

* Smiling depression: A man's perspective

* We need to talk about mental illness

The sixteenth of July, 2012

My father planned every detail of his suicide. He put his letter to us in a plastic bag in case it got wet in his pocket and had his licence on him so his body could be identified. He wanted it to be as easy for us as possible. A thoughtful gesture, but an impossible one.

Losing someone to suicide is one of the hardest losses you will ever endure.

He was found in a park, a few kilometres from our house.

He walked to the park, on his way posting a letter to the police detailing exactly where his body would be, just in case we didn’t find him. That small gesture is an example of how much he cared for my mum, my older sister, her husband and I. He didn’t want us to have the extra pain of not finding him.

He had created a small bivouac out of tarpaulins in a dense area of bush at the back of the empty park. He had a bottle of water and a cup. He sat on the ground in his little hut, took off his jacket and put it on the ground. And that was it.

READ MORE:

* I'll never get over losing my dad to suicide

* What I wish I'd known as a suicidal teen

* The 10 lessons I learned after my young son killed himself

When I tell people my father killed himself, I feel guilty. Guilty for suddenly dumping this painful piece of information they are not prepared for on them. I have dealt with the loss and the grief, though I am still grieving and always will be. But this person I have just told has not dealt with it and I have just thrust it in their face. They feel they have to respond to me in a certain way, but only have a few seconds to digest this information and they have no idea what to say.

But that is the stigma of suicide; from the law making it illegal for media to report on it to people who say it is for cowards.

Why do I feel guilty about sharing the fact that my father killed himself? Because suicide is almost a taboo subject and as a result many people have never talked about it so don’t know how to respond when it is brought up.

The guilt of talking about my father’s suicide to people who haven’t heard about it makes me angry. If I feel guilty for just talking about suicide, think about how hard it must be for someone who is considering suicide, to talk to someone.

Suicide needs to be openly addressed so children, teenagers, adults and the elderly feel they are not alone when they start feeling the cold, dark fingers of depression closing around their mind.

WHERE TO GET HELP

Lifeline (open 24/7) - 0800 543 354

Depression Helpline (open 24/7) - 0800 111 757

Healthline (open 24/7) - 0800 611 116

Samaritans (open 24/7) - 0800 726 666

Suicide Crisis Helpline (open 24/7) - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.

Youthline (open 24/7) - 0800 376 633. You can also text 234 for free between 8am and midnight, or email talk@youthline.co.nz.

0800 WHATSUP children's helpline - 0800 9428 787, Open between 1pm and 10pm on weekdays and from 3pm to 10pm on weekends. Online chat is available from 7pm to 10pm every day at www.whatsup.co.nz.

Kidsline (open 24/7) - 0800 543 754. This service is for children aged 5 to 18. Those who ring between 4pm and 9pm on weekdays will speak to a Kidsline buddy, who are specially trained teenage telephone counsellors.

Your local Rural Support Trust - 0800 787 254 (0800 RURAL HELP)

Alcohol Drug Helpline (open 24/7) - 0800 787 797. You can also text 8691 for free.

For more information, contact the Mental Health Foundation's free Resource and Information Service on 09 623 4812.

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