ITHACA, NY—A report published Monday by the Cornell University Department of Sociology revealed that all the other races are coming to take your stuff, and furthermore, they are coming soon. “Based on our research, Americans should know that every race outside of their own has been planning to take their stuff for a very long time and are now finally in the perfect position to do so,” said Allison Hahn, a co-author of the report, elaborating that the coming seizure of your property was likely linked to the fact that people from other races hate you, have always hated you, and by taking your possessions, wealth, and even career away from you, they seek not merely to enrich their undeserving selves, but also to see you suffer. “Of course, most members of the other races and ethnicities don’t deserve your stuff, or even most of their own stuff, which was just given to them and not earned through hard work, like your stuff, which is part of what makes your stuff more desirable to them. Especially your really good stuff. They’re definitely taking all of that.” The report went on to stress that the only way to ensure this never happens was to isolate yourself from every last member of the other races and never speak a word to them for the rest of your life.

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