FILES on the President Kennedy assassination opened to the public for the first time today have revealed that he is alive and well in Kentucky.

Newly-declassified files reveal that the former president suffered only minor injuries in the 1963 incident but decided to quit while he was ahead and turn to his true passion, chicken farming.

The centenarian said: “I’m not really the type for fuss, so I just got Air Force One to drop me off on the outskirts of Campbellsville and never looked back.

“I was fully aware that all the stuff that was coming up – Vietnam, civil rights, Medicare – would be deeply unpopular anyway so I left that to Lyndon Johnson. And do people remember him fondly? See?

“Oh, sometimes, when it’s debeaking season, I miss those days in the White House but after the Cuban Missile Crisis I figured I’d done my bit. Bobby joined me in ’68 and we ain’t looked back since.”

He added: “And you’ll never guess who ended up buying the ranch next door. Lee Harvey Oswald, no less. But we settled our differences and we’re now firm friends.”