The bad news; the worse news

You've been reading the newspaper again, haven't you? I warned you about that. Also, you've been listening to those cable news programs, or checking in with NPR, yes? I knew it. And now you are in despair. You think you are entirely screwed. And you're right. Sorry.

Do you own a home? Congratulations! Your home is now worth less than it used to be. I hope you didn't do anything foolish with regard to interest rates on your home loan, because you could be in trouble. No, you probably are in trouble. And the government is going to save you! It's going to send you $600! Isn't that nice? Is that enough to make any difference? Of course not.

So go blow it on consumer electronics or designer shoes. We need to get the economy going, and your patriotic duty is to spend, even if your mortgage is shaky. Some misguided people might be telling you to save money because eventually you will be very old and will need it, but you're not going to get old, are you? I know I'm not.

Oh, but suppose you did all the right things and you have a fixed-rate mortgage or maybe your home is even paid off. And you invested in nice, safe stocks. Oops. Well, those aren't doing so well, are they? Somebody's getting rich on the stock market, but it isn't you. Are you keeping your money in cash? I hope it's not in a bank. Banks aren't doing so well right now, in part because they lent money to people who aren't nearly as responsible as you are.

You could have told them it was a bad idea, but they didn't ask you. Why? Oh, you know, quick profits. Short-term thinking - the kind of thinking that you, as a prudent American, have been avoiding. Apparently, prudence is one of those virtues they preach to the rubes to keep them quiet, like patriotism or piety. Oh, if you had only been imprudent and stashed the money in the Bahamas.

Why didn't you become the CEO of a fabulously imprudent company? That's where the real money is.

That's all right, you're employed. You've worked hard and you are a valued employee. And yes, oops again, where did your job go? You've been downsized or outsourced. Your skill set has become outmoded. Or perhaps you are a younger person, and you have the energy and optimism of youth. I hope you have a wealthy family, oh young person, because the job you're going to get won't pay for your daily muffin.

But the service industry is so fulfilling, yes? Plus, you get to wear that cute little vest. Or maybe you are a young person with a profession, and $100,000 worth of student loans, and you are working 19-hour days and taking abuse from your superiors, all of whom are crabby because their mortgages cost more per month than they make.

Just a hint: Don't count on that pension. It's invested in the same junk that everything else is invested in.

Oh, and here's the best bit of advice: Don't get sick. It's such a bad idea. If you have insurance, you will immediately realize that getting sick involves going to war with your insurance company - and it's supposed to be on your side. Have you seen its ads? And your insurers are fighting you so hard because their stockholders are demanding ever higher profits, and if they don't deliver, the stockholders will sell and the stock will plummet and they'll get fired too.

Won't that be exciting, working at the Olive Garden right next to the woman who refused to authorize your chemotherapy payments?

You could always marry well. Don't marry a rich and powerful man, though, because the next thing you know he's been videotaped nuzzling someone named Amber, who is a professional nuzzler. And don't get divorced, either, because there's serious financial hardship involved. And kids - don't get me started. You know about goody bags? Oh, you'll weep.

Maybe that disease you get could be immediately fatal. That may be your best option. That, or musical comedy.

In other news: Ever wonder how Leah Garchik does it? She goes to a million parties and meets ever so many rich and famous people and still writes five columns a week and manages to get juicy gossip too. Perhaps you'll find out more if you attend "A Conversation With Leah Garchik" featuring me, Jon Carroll, asking the questions.

The date is 7 p.m. Monday at the Berkeley Rep's Thrust Stage. (Sounds racy, doesn't it?) Tickets are a mere $25, and all proceeds go to Park Day School. Said tickets can be obtained by calling (510) 653-0317 or by visiting www.parkdayschool.org. After our chat, Leah will sign copies of her fabulous new collection "Real Life Romance," and engage in witty banter with you, the reader.