With the current lockdown restrictions in Washington state, many businesses have been struggling to continue operations while following proper social distancing procedures. However, the new Seattle-based social media startup, Quaran-time, has the solution: simply hire someone else to stay inside for you! CEO Mitchell Conaway had this to say about his latest business venture: “I was on a Zoom call with my social media buddies when I saw one of my business partners having his nose blown by his housekeeper. It was then that the idea hit me: Hire someone willing to stay indoors to quarantine for you.” Conaway instantly started branding his company. “I thought that naming our workers viruses was a really clever way of showing that no disease will escape your private domicile under our watch.”

While some have criticized Conaway for naming his employees after a deadly strain of disease, he adamantly defended his decision, saying that “We barely pay our workers. I mean, all they do is sit around a house all day, and anyone can do that. May as well name them like the jokes they are.”

When asked if this meant he had the ability to just quarantine for himself, Conway simply replied “No.”

Thus far, a total of 15 trial users have been added to the service. Several reviews on the website go as follows:

04/2/2020

“5 STARS!! This app TOTALLY WORKS!!! As soon as I hired one of Quaran-time’s approved viruses, I was able to go outside and party.”

-Jared0450

04/3/2020

“4.5 Stars! Quaran-time is the only way I can still harass the local seagull population despite government restrictions.”

-Corna_my_nuts

04/6/2020

“5 Stars! For a relatively small fee, one of quarantime’s viruses will play animal crossing for me while I get to sunbathe in abandoned parks.”

-K.K_Slide_into_ur_DMs

Unfortunately, these reviews were retracted and quickly followed up by the most negative in the application’s history:

04/12/2020

“0 stars, Seagull took my muffin.”

-Corna_my_nuts

04/6/2020

“0 Stars!!! They accidentally deleted my save file :(”

-K.K_Slide_into_ur_DMs

04/10/2020

“0 STARS!!!!! I keep coughing for some reason, I think I got a virus.”

-Jared 0450

When asked about Jared0450’s seemingly unwarranted switch from satisfied customer to avid hater, Conaway expressed: “Don’t even get me started on Jared0450. I personally gave him a call, and all he kept saying was that he ‘got a virus’ or something. I mean, yeah, we sent over one of our paid viruses, exactly as advertised. You’re welcome.”

Even more tragic, Quaran-time has subsequently been sued for infringing on a local Seattle Mosque’s scripture group, ‘Quran-time.” When asked for comment on the unstable nature of the startup, all Conaway had to say was “*cough*.”

