In a last ditch effort to win a bet against Lucifer and finally get to claim "no, I'm definitely worse," Charles Koch has found the indelible secret to end all secrets: in order to help the poor, we need to get rid of minimum wage. This one goes out to all the innovators out there. Keep thinking big, and maybe a poedunk paper in Kansas will write about you, not realizing that a significant amount of its readership would suffer under the policies its promoting (#LongLivePrint).

In an interview with the Witchita Eagle, Koch said that the minimum wage was preventing "people with limited capital [from] raising themselves up," claiming that by eliminating the minimum wage, we will be eradicating anything that "reduces the mobility of labor"—refusing to acknowledge, of course, the ultimate cause labor reductivity: the literal lack of jobs for homosapiens in this country.

Perhaps while putting down the Bulgarian orphan he'd ordered as an appetizer, Koch made sure to maintain that his and his brother's stance on minimum wage is not for their own benefit (a fact that, considering their $43 Billion net worth, is somewhere between obvious and despicable), but rather for the country's greater good. And though he cites minimum wage as a pillar of our "culture of dependency," Koch failed to mention that his company, Koch Industries, has been on the receiving end of significant bailouts and oil subsidies.

Koch explained that the United States was a former "world leader in economic freedom, but our ranking [has fallen]." Unless you've been living under a rock or are a subscriber of the Witchita Eagle, the United States' rampant problem of income equality is considered common knowledge, with the stagnation of the country's minimum wage as a major factor in a discrepancy between what people earn and how much they need to live. Koch didn't acknowledge the growing gap between the haves and the have-nots, but he did make sure to show off his fun new roll of $100-bill toilet paper, which was a real treat for folks everywhere.