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William Shakespeare is, in the words of DeMarcus Tillman on American Vandal, “one of the most famous white people ever.” Everyone knows at least one of his works, and everyone has an opinion. But fewer people know that your Shakespeare preferences act as a reliable barometer for your taste, history, and personality. Here is what, according to the best science, your favorite play says about you.

Much Ado About Nothing: You met your partner on Twitter.

Comedy of Errors: You consider icing someone by hiding a Smirnoff Ice in the toilet bowl to be the actual height of humor.

A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream: You own a velvet choker.

Twelfth Night: You have strong feelings about the erasure of bisexual people in straight-presenting relationships.

As You Like It: You know what your roller derby name would be but have never told anyone.

All’s Well That Ends Well: You are going to buy Bari Weiss’s book the day it comes out.

The Taming of The Shrew: You are an r/relationships power user.

The Two Gentlemen of Verona: You are a large good dog, 14/10, would pet.

Love’s Labour’s Lost: You own a fedora but in a whimsical color.

Richard III: You bring up in every conversation that you’re into BDSM and you think you’re being subtle about it.

Twelfth Night: You have strong feelings about the erasure of bisexual people in straight-presenting relationships.

Henry IV, part 1: Every story you tell ends with “lol I was so drunk.”

Henry IV, part 2: Every story you tell ends with “I’m so grateful for my sobriety.”

Henry V: You unironically admire Winston Churchill.

Richard II: Your idea of fun is coming up with a comprehensive list of what people’s favorite Shakespeare play says about them.

Henry VIII: You love that Queen Elizabeth movie with Cate Blanchett.

Julius Caesar: You love Pod Save America! #resist

Macbeth: You bring up in every conversation that you’re into BDSM and you’re not even really trying to be subtle about it.

Hamlet: You think you have experienced true suffering because one time in college your meal plan card ran out for 24 hours.

King Lear: You have written to an advice columnist about your family.

Romeo and Juliet: You attempted to keep dating your high school girlfriend/boyfriend well into college.

Othello: You’re either a person of extreme discernment and top-notch taste or a sociopath.

The Merchant of Venice: You own a “The Future is Female” shirt and would absolutely call the cops on a barbecue.

Pericles: You are a Fox News host who wants a bedtime story.

The Winter’s Tale: You only liked your favorite band before they got “accessible.”

Troilus and Cressida: You pretend not to know the names of the characters in Harry Potter.

Antony and Cleopatra: You have tried to get someone to sleep with you by inviting them over to play Risk! a non-zero number of times.

The Merry Wives of Windsor: You once went viral for posting a screenshot of a man being stupid at you on Tinder.

Henry VI, part 1: You have impostor syndrome.

Henry VI, part 2: You have impostor syndrome, and you’re right.

Henry VI, part 3: You do not have enough impostor syndrome.

The Tempest: You secretly wish someone would ask you to do sleight-of-hand magic at parties, and furthermore you think it would kill.

Titus Andronicus: You have written at least one serious essay about Grand Theft Auto and socialism.

Measure for Measure: You are not at ALL subtle about telling people you are into BDSM.

The Two Noble Kinsmen: You think Shakespeare was Francis Bacon.

Coriolanus: You regularly choose going to the gym over having sex.

Cymbeline: You unironically follow Neil deGrasse Tyson on Twitter.

Timon of Athens: You’re only saying that’s your favorite to lord it over us for forgetting Timon of Athens initially.

King John: You are full of shit.