The date is 26th June 2017 and Werder Bremen have called a press conference. Club Chairman, Marco Bode, has announced the arrival of their new manager. Dead silence falls across the media room as the man is introduced – a complete unknown by the name of Bill Cosby.

He shakes hands with Bode, holding up a Werder Bremen shirt and smiling. Members of the German press begin to murmur to one another. The resemblance is uncanny. Is this the Bill Cosby?

Of course, this isn’t the real Bill Cosby. This is me, Bill Cosby. Growing up in Manchester, England, I, Jackson Smith, was a huge fan of the comedian, with shows such as Kids Say the Darndest Things and The Cosby Show regularly repeating in the Smith household. I began to do impressions as a young teen, even doing tribute stand-up acts for friends and family.

As I entered adulthood in the 90s, I modelled my appearance on Bill Cosby. I started to make a living as a lookalike, appearing at parties for children and continuing to do tribute acts all over the country. In 2003, aged 34 and already beginning to go bald, in a desperate attempt to be cast in the show Big Brother I decided to get hair implants to mimic Cosby’s afro. That wasn’t the end, however, as I made the ultimate commitment, changing my name by deed poll to Bill Cosby. Needless to say, my application for Big Brother was rejected.

In 2014, comedian Hannibal Buress went viral with a stand-up piece alluding to sexually predatory behaviour from the real Bill Cosby. I then rather shrewdly saw that this career as a Cosby tribute act was maybe on its last legs. With a passion for the Football Manager game series, I decided to pursue my life dream and applied for my professional coaching badges. I passed the course with flying colours, just in time for charges to be pressed against Bill Cosby.

Now, with only a name and a face tying me to my old career, I’m taking my first leap into management. The interview was easy – I took a detailed dossier of tactical analysis of Bremen’s last three seasons, as well as profiles of their entire squad, including the youth set-up. Of course, the profiles were all directly copy and pasted from Football Manager, with each of the tactical break-downs being separated into Football Manager tactic screens, but this detailed analysis was enough to get me the job. When asked what my ambition was for the club, I told them I simply wanted “to relegate those Hamburger bastards”. I was offered the job on the spot.

My first press conference is in the coming days. All will be revealed, tactical set-up, transfer plans, squad build, the lot. For now, it’s time to get stuck in.

Die Werderaner werden wieder auferstehen.

Read Part 1 here!