I'm looking for help in dealing with my mom and hopefully preserving some sort of relationship with her. I know this group has lots of experience and advice, and I'm hoping to learn from you!

How do you deal with someone who emotionally manipulates the people around her? I cannot say a single thing to my mom without her pouting, giving me the silent treatment, or storming away. Every conversation has to be about her.

Mom, please don't sneak candy into our house when you're babysitting. We've asked you several times to stop giving the 2-year-old excessive sugar. Even worse, please stop sneaking the candy wrappers OUT so you don't get caught. My highly verbal toddler informs me the next day about all the candy you brought him. It's suspicious there's not a candy wrapper anywhere. (I called her out on it, she admitted doing it.)

Yet asking this results in her getting angry, sad, and defensive. She "doesn't know who I am" because I am "always criticizing her" and "how could I treat her this way?"

She stormed out of my house last week when we asked her to cut back on Christmas gift-giving this year. I gave her a ton of ideas for gifts that were activities, classes, and experiences rather than toys, but she doesn't want to be told what to do. She literally got up in the middle of the conversation and walked out the door.

This week, she came over and began to complain and gossip again, as always. She bashes her family, her friends, her co-workers. I hear all of this gossip constantly. She'll visit a long-time friend and come back saying things about their ugly furniture. She tells me personal stuff about people I don't know, and she tells personal stuff about me to people I don't know. The subject in particular this week was about someone very near and dear to me whose health is failing. My mom was criticizing this person's wishes because they inconvenience her, and I said to her, "It's not about you. It's about doing what this person needs right now." She stormed away. Didn't speak to me for the next 30 minutes at my house. This thing the person needs is not inconvenient, FYI. It will take one hour of her time and she doesn't have to travel to do it.

She had come over to take us to the airport when this conversation started. We live a mile away from each other and also very near to the airport. So after the awkward silent treatment and her pouting after I made that comment, we get to the airport.

When we were saying goodbye, I asked her not to be upset about the comment I made. I tried to explain that I was trying to say that it may be inconvenient, but that can't matter in this case. The person's wishes and failing health have to come first. She had no interest in talking about this person who is sick. It all became about her feelings. She can't "share anything with me" because "I am so hateful to her" and "constantly criticize everything she says." Then she went on to say that she has different information about this person's health than the information I gave her previously. I asked what it was. She refused to tell me. I'll let you know that person plays a bigger role in my life than in hers, and if she really does have information about this person's health and is withholding it out of spite... I can't even go there. It's just low.

In the middle of all of this, I just was baffled that someone I love was very ill, but here I was standing on the sidewalk outside the airport listening to my mom complain once again about she's treated. She won't let the conversation get redirected to our (potential) common goal of helping this person. It's all about how she feels about what I'm saying.

The same thing happens when I try to share my parenting wishes. I thought I could share my hopes and wishes for my kids and get her on board with our parenting style, but she won't let the conversation focus on their well-being. It is always about how upset she is that I'm criticizing her. Saying "let's not feed the kids all that sugar" is not harsh criticism, in my book. She is a yoga-practicing, paleo-eating, green smoothie drinking health nut, but she feeds my kids Oreos. She KNOWS about health. This is not the issue here.

So here we are at the airport, and I'm still very calm, but I've completely emotionally detached. I can't do this drama anymore. I told her calmly that I need some space from this relationship. I honestly WAS NOT planning on doing that at all. It had not entered my mind until the airport showdown.

She responded by saying she would not be picking us up when we come home on Saturday, and then she drove away with our car. We're going to have to take a cab back from the airport when we get home. She did this all in front of my son who is old enough to understand but who was hopefully too distracted by the busy airport to notice.

So, now what? Space, for sure. She decided to go on a 2-week vacation with my step-dad over Christmas, so we already weren't going to see her for the holiday.

Basically, I want to tell her that we can have a relationship if she owns her emotions. I'm not responsible for how she feels. I don't want to be held hostage by it anymore. Or guilt tripped. Or stormed out on.

Have you been in this situation? How would you phrase what I'm hoping for? What would you do?