I’m So Digital

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I am SO digital.



I refuse to do anything physical.



I’ve been ordering pizza online since I saw Sandra Bullock in The Net.



I will never, ever talk to you. That’s what DMs are for.



Here’s the deal, I live in the space between the spaces between the lines of code. My playground is the cracks in between pixels. That’s where I wreak my havoc, where I leave my mark, and make my billions of dollars every month.



<Yes, I am technically the richest entity on the planet, and no, wise ass, you haven’t seen my name on the Forbes richest person list, because why> That’s right, I’m way too digital to be tracked like that. I take my money and digitally erase my trail. I have my own digital bank. 10 of them actually. And thank you for your small donation by the way./> (And Zuck, thank you for your substantially larger donation… hehe)



I don’t speak, unless it is through a highly innovative voice-changing mobile app that makes me sound like HAL from 2001.



That’s how digital I am. I refuse to play by any of the rules invented by your alleged post-industrial so-called revolutionized society.



What are you doing? Looking at some dust ridden, fingerprint be-speckled magazine?



Is that thing printed on papyrus?



You are an analog wooly mammoth, my friend. I just designed a digi-e-zine-book-album-fusion-appli. I’m all about hybrid like that. I get bored in two seconds. I mix my digi-genres, and then I tweet about it. And if I’m not tweeting about it, then I’ll blog about it. But not in a traditional way, like the blogs you know about. I blog in incomprehensible digital audio blips that sample the infinite textures of my emotions in a way that captures the core fibre of the human condition with the evocative power of all of Shakespeare sonnets mashed together.



Catch all that, Gutenberg?



What did you do last night? Sounds nice. I ate pizza and reinvented the Internet. Again.



I’m so digital, the only clothes I buy are for my avatar and his dog, Neo, on this network that your standard netbook from the local Radio Shack couldn’t handle. I just tweeted you a 3D photo GIF of it. It doesn’t look like what you think a computer looks like. And I wouldn’t let your grubby analog fingers anywhere near this bad boy.



What are you doing now?



Listen, don’t think talking about MP3s somehow makes you a little bit more digital. It only underscores how analog you are.



I’m so digital I hate everything currently on the Internet. The only things I like are un-released, exclusive community, pre-beta, pre-launches. I get invited first, because they know I’ll find all the bugs, and get the thing ready to release to digitally illiterate like you.



And no, I’m not on Facebook. I am WAY, WAY too digital for that.



I’m getting pretty into digital graffiti. I’ll go to popular websites and Mac Paint all over their homepage. I’ll pixel spray Yahoo on the Google interface. I’ll digitag Microsoft in Apple.com’s grill.



And before you start with me, analog smart ass, and tell me that you’ve never seen any graffiti on those pages, save it. Because it’s digital. Your old-school analog eyes would never be able to see my digital graffiti. It’s way too digital to be actually seen.



I’ll leave you and your 14.4 kbit/s dial-up with this:



I am digital. I’m more digital than Facebook plus Twitter times Pandora to the power of Google. I am the Eggman and the Walrus.



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