Smoking Gun

You see this man, bros. Look deep into his eyes.

Longer.

Is the picture starting to turn into a mirror for you too? Because make no mistake, this man is you and I, if God forbid we ever happen to fall on unfortunate circumstances. A squirrel trying to get a nut with no burrow to call home. A born pleaser with no where to please. A rabid rug muncher with no utensils.

The man is 50-year-old Tracy Briley, or Tornado Tongue Tracy as I prefer to call him.

The man was recently arrested after being caught canyon yodeling on a homeless woman while she lay on Florida’s Sunset Beach Boardwalk at 1 pm last Wednesday, or as the cop put it “performing cunnilingus on a female subject laying on the beach boardwalk.”

According to The Smoking Gun, Tornado Tongue, who had his pants around his his “penis out in plain view,” was spotted by a grandfather and his three-year-old grandson. Man, what I’d pay to hear grandpa prematurely delve into the birds and the bees convo 10 years before he planned to.

When confronted by officers, a quick-thinking Briley said he was an “emergency responder and had to assist the female as it was his duty.” He then made a point no one can argue with: “I had nowhere else to have sex except in public.”

Tornado Tongue is being held in county jail on $10,000 bail for a lewd and lascivious exhibition charge (felony). He was also hit with a misdemeanor trespassing count.

The arrest affidavit, courtesy of Smoking Gun, reads like comedy gold:

I’m not very nuanced on the tiers of crime that get respect in prison but I’d have to imagine that “Munching Box” would catapult this dude to the top of the food chain. Pun intended.

[h/t Smoking Gun]