Normally I don’t enjoy watching violence. The exception is when a bull wins a bullfight. When one of those videos pops up on the Internet, I’ll watch it two or three times. I don’t mind saying it makes me happy.

I realize I’m supposed to be rooting for the sadistic asshole that’s dressed like a waiter on acid. But I have to be honest: I’m delighted when a bull puts a horn up a matador’s sphincter and trots around the arena wearing him like a rapper’s hat.

There are two things I look for in bull victories:

1. Air time

2. Stomping

Air time is when the bull lifts the matador off his feet and tosses him. You can rate the quality of the toss by how many times the matador yells “Mierda! Mierda! Mierda!” before he hits the ground. Three mierdas is good, but I prefer four.

Then comes the stomping, which I regard as a form of afterglow. That’s when the sadistic asshole helpers come out to save the psychopath matador. It strikes me as unsportsmanlike. I root for the bull to kill them too, but it rarely works out the way I’d like.

The experts say one of the ways you can predict a future serial killer is if he’s cruel to animals and thinks it’s entertaining. You use the same method to predict a future matador. The only difference is that the future serial killer doesn’t dress like an organ grinder’s monkey and masturbate furiously after killing the mammal.

Just to be clear, I normally value the life of a human being higher than the life of an animal. But I think we’d all agree that the best animal is better than the worst human. Bulls usually mind their own business. All they want to do is eat, poop, and hump anything that moos. As a man, I respect the clarity of their missions. On the other hoof, a matador is a guy who didn’t have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer. Honestly, I don’t see how anyone can root for the human in this situation.

Bonus question: What would you name a bull that contributes to global warming, and stabs matadors with his horns?