See Also:

• Latest Late-Night Jokes

• Barack Obama Jokes

• Donald Trump Jokes

• Hillary Clinton Jokes



"Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the president of France. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Shut up, I'm trying to win this thing.'" –Conan O'Brien



"France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered." –Jay Leno



"France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French." –Conan O'Brien



"Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss." –Craig Ferguson



“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher



"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." –Jay Leno



"The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that." –Jay Leno



"Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they've never been used before." –Jay Leno



"Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down." –Jay Leno



"Someone hacked the Facebook account of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Or not really hacked. Someone asked for his password and he surrendered it." –Jimmy Kimmel



"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson



"After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row." –Jimmy Fallon



"The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered." –Jay Leno



"As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Did you hear this? Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban. And out of habit, France surrendered." –Jimmy Fallon



"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that the United Nations doesn't smell of sulfur anymore. He said that it 'smells of something else. And I'm looking at you France.'" --Jimmy Fallon



"Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson



"President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can!' Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, 'Yes, we can.' That has got to make the French a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno



"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson



"And I love this story. Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his clinically depressed poodle. See that's how you know that the French are not fighters, okay? When their leader is attacked by a maniacal poodle." --Jay Leno



"The president of France said today, his country will reduce its arsenal of nuclear weapons, because if there's one thing the French hate, it's being too prepared to defend themselves." --Jay Leno