My merchandise guy, Jack, emailed me today to say that we had a ton of these Manatee Party stickers in stock. https://mhiswag.myshopify.com/collections/whats-hot/products/hoon-party-sticker

There is an election coming up. As a devout capitalist I realized that the best way to move these awesome stickers was to write a post detailing the political platform of our eloquent candidate Wendell T. Manatee of the Libertarian Space Cowboy Revolution Party* (as heard about in the Adventures of Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent, available on Audible.com or in Target Rich Environment).

* warning, the LSCRP may not exist in your dimension. If you in a dimension stuck with squishy republicans and lame democrats, sucks to be you. But you can still buy an awesome sticker.

Aquatic-American, CFO of CorreiaTech, former Ghost of Christmas Future, and decorated veteran of the Deep War, Wendell T. Manatee is currently running for the senate in Florida. So I sat down with Wendell (well, he was floating in his tank) to interview him about the hot button issues of the day. I did my best to translate his answers from majestic manatee into boring old English.

What do you think about the budget?

Manatees are known for their fiscal responsibility. Cut everything. They are called budget cuts because they are supposed to hurt. If they didn’t hurt, they would be called budget tickles or something.

Taxes?

Taxes are stupid. Keep as much of your money as you can. Spend it on lettuce or Xbox. Wendell does not care.

Gun Control?

From my cold dead flippers. (when I asked this question, Wendell just chuckled and showed me that his tank was fitted with a nuclear powered plasma cannon).

Social Security?

Why would you trust your retirement to the one entity in the universe which couldn’t turn a profit on a legal whorehouse? Foolish land mammals.

Immigration?

Immigration is great when it’s legal. Make the process more efficient. Just not dolphins. Dolphins can go to hell. Those guys are the worst.

Healthcare?

I’m not fat. I just have a protective layer of blubber because I live in the ocean. Mostly I have to watch out for speed boats. I’ve actually got great cholesterol.

How? I just watched you eat a fifty pound tub of Cheetos? No, I meant the Affordable Care Act.

Oh that? Obamacare was really dumb. I warned you that your premiums would go way up for crappier insurance, but nobody wanted to listen to the professional finance mammal.

Defense?

Stay off my lawn.

You live in the ocean. You don’t have a lawn.

It’s an idiom. It means I am very nice to everyone and will leave them alone, but if you mess with me, I will blow up your house.

Sounds legit. What about the unsubstantiated allegations that you had an inappropriate relationship with a lady manatee back in 1987?

Bitch be crazy.

What do you think about how even though we are talking about a part of the world where there are no good guys, just degrees of bad guy, and Saudi Arabia has been our “ally” under Trump, Obama, Bush, Clinton, and Bush, their current prince is trying to drag their country kicking and screaming into the 1950s, by going against hard core fundamentalists who disagree with his “non-traditional” policies like letting women drive or not blowing up Jews, so even though he’s been disappearing his terrorism supporting relatives for the last couple of years, his recent ham fisted murder of a Muslim Brotherhood supporting journalist in Turkey, has caused America’s democrats to want us to all of a sudden declare war on Saudi Arabia?

That was one long ass question.

Well, it’s kind of complicated. I did kind of write a book about this exact sort of thing.

(ponderous shrug) If the Washington Post didn’t want their reporters to get murdered by Saudi secret police, then maybe they shouldn’t hire reporters who got an I Heart Osama Bin Laden tattoo on their butt?

What do you think about all the left wing outrage over NPC memes?

Didn’t you write a movie review a couple of weeks ago because they were calling everyone who disagreed with them a Russian Bot?

Heh… Yeah, that was a good one. http://monsterhunternation.com/2018/10/02/my-russian-bot-review-of-the-last-jedi/

I need more Cheetos.

If elected, you are going to have to work with Senate leadership. What do you think about Mitch McConnell?

He looks like a sea turtle. I know many cunning sea turtles. You can work with sea turtles, but they are never to be trusted.

What do you think about Nancy Pelosi?

She is a Deep One hybrid. You must cast out the spawn of Dagon. During the Battle of Sunken R’lyeh I destroyed many of her kind.

That’s pretty bad ass.

Yes. I am awesome.