How fucking sick does this dude look, bro???

Lately, our Constitution has come under attack from the liberal left, with masses of precious snowflakes demanding we overturn our sacred Second Amendment, thus banning the free and liberated citizens of this brave country from bearing arms. I oppose this non-violent attack on our most violent amendment because I believe all citizens of this great nation deserve the right to bear tridents.

This is what our forefathers wanted, and by forefathers I mean the Greek god Poseidon and the Roman god Neptune. How may I ask would these gods of the sea have defended their domain from enemies and/or fished without this powerful multipurpose weapon? Exactly.

Spare me the lazy counteraguments, I know them all. “But we’ve evolved since ancient times — those people used to make each other fight to the death for entertainment!” Ummm…ever heard of sports? Exactly. “But we’ve developed other tools which accomplish the same tasks, like fishing rods.” Ummm…is fishing with a rod as sick as fishing with a fucking spear? Exactly.

As an American, it is my mythical gods-given right to amass a big ass collection of gigantic three-pronged spears. I should be able to purchase any trident I want — provided I have a license, of course, although it better not take me longer than a month to obtain that certificate — and carry it anywhere I want, either majestically exposed or concealed under a giant cloak.

What, you may ask, is the point of having even one trident, much less a large collection of them? First of all, they’re fucking cool. Secondly…OK it’s mostly just that they’re really fucking cool! Also, you never know when someone is going to break through your five deadbolts, get past your security system and try to rob you in the middle of the night, so it’s important to have between 1 and 100 tridents nearby, in case you need to defend your home.

Moreover, taking your trident to the spear range is a beloved American pastime. What would I personally do with my weekends if I wasn’t able to gather which a bunch of like-minded men and stab cardboard cutouts with various tridents? Exactly.

Sure, some people use their tridents for evil, but I would never go into a school, office or public space and stab a whole bunch of people with an arsenal of giant spears, unless I was really angry about something. If we want to stop a few bad apples from using spears to harm innocent people, what we need to do is focus on mental healthcare, as long as we don’t use any tax dollars to do so.

For these reasons and many more, most of which are related to how fucking cool I look with a giant fucking spear in my hand, I support the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America.

No one should be allowed to have a gun though. Guns are fucking crazy!