GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie. “After a careful analysis of our prospective returns, we have opted to reassign all of our hopes and dreams for the future from our firstborn to our second child, effective as of 9 a.m. this morning,” said Beth Morgan, who claimed that their 16-year-old son’s inadequate progress in areas such as effective decision-making and academic achievement were the catalyst for his removal as the recipient of their emotional investment. “While we thank Jeremy for his years as the primary bearer of our expectations, in the long run we feel Angie is the right choice to attain professional success and relationship stability, give us grandchildren, and ultimately, provide us the parental satisfaction we have been looking for.” The Morgans added that although they no longer retain any stake in Jeremy’s future, he will be kept on for several years to serve as an example to Angie to deter any potential waste of resources.

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