Washington, D.C. – Lauded by Environmental Protection Agency administrator Andrew Wheeler as “a decisive victory for Mother Nature and the future of our planet,” a combined force of over 30,000 EPA soldiers, 5,000 M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tanks, and 1,500 F/A-18 Hornets raided businesses across the country, seizing anyone who had ever thoughtlessly printed an email that contained the disclaimer “please consider the environment before printing.” Wheeler also condemned the EPA war criminals for “willfully and deliberately choosing to ignore” the little green leaf included in the plea, questioning what kind of “sick bastards” would still be able to hit print after seeing such a cute little icon.

“These maniacal sons of bitches thought they were untouchable, sitting in their offices, printing reams of Excel spreadsheets that no one was ever going to read, and just laughing about it,” Wheeler stated as reported casualties from the EPA raids totaled over 100,000. “Well today, we’re sending a message to Americans that the EPA will do everything in our power to protect our greatest resource of all: planet Earth.

“So to all of you corporate eco-terrorists out there using non-halogen lightbulbs and not recycling your trash know this: Andrew Wheeler and the EPA are coming for your asses.”

Related: Conference Call Participants Can’t Believe It’s Just Wednesday