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Dermot Foley, a Kilkenny man, has shocked his local community with revelations involving his consumption of alcohol.

Dermot, 25, announced privately to himself a number of weeks ago that he would give up consuming alcohol as he never much enjoyed it, but it has only recently come to the attention of his family, extended family, friends, neighbours, old school friends, college friends, work colleagues and the national papers.

“I’m just shocked to be honest,” explained Dermot’s best friend John, “how am I supposed to trust the man now he’s doing real shady things like jogging, watching what he’s eating and reading books? The fucker is real sly about telling me what I did the night before when I tell him I’ve no recollection of the previous nights out. It’s the end of a beautiful friendship, I can feel it”.

Dermot’s friends and family were so concerned about his lack of drinking they called an intervention in the hope they could convince the young man to change his ways.

“We just want to know why he’s doing this to us,” Dermot’s mother, Anne pleaded, “it’s completely out of character for him to be so selfish”.

“We’d meet up for an old chat every week in the pub,” explained Dermot’s father Noel, “and of all sudden he ruins it by ordering an orange juice,” added the tear-eyed father.

The intervention was a tense and emotional occasion as every person present pleaded with Dermot to see sense. The most emotionally charged plea came from his friend John.

“Why? Is it, is it because of that time you pissed and shat yourself and vomited everywhere after punching that old man in the face for no reason? Sure, everyone does that. Dermot? Seriously, why? Don’t worry about that, ye, well, ye just have to laugh at that stuff”.

Among the possible reasons for Dermot’s abstinence put forward by his friends included ‘killed a prostitute’, ‘run in with the law’, ‘a girl asked him to stop’, ‘got fierce adventurous on the internet when drunk and probably typed in something about lads kissing each other and that’ or ‘a calling from God’.

Dermot’s decision has come at a price. He now suffers from RASS (Repeat Answering Stress Syndrome) whereby he has badly strained his vocal chords as a result of answering all the questions people have about his decision not to drink anymore.