WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of the barrage of daily spectacles they would soon be subjected to, citizens across the nation reported Friday they were dreading having to spend the next half year watching presidential candidates attempt to relate to them. “Oh God, I don’t think I can handle six straight months of seeing the nominees trying as hard as they can to draw parallels between their experiences and our daily lives,” said Salt Lake City resident Linda Rodie, just one of millions of Americans to voice their dismay upon realizing that, until polls close on November 8, they would be inundated with images of politicians donning plaid shirts, wearing hard hats, eating at local mom-and-pop restaurants, and overeagerly going through various other motions in an attempt to find common ground with voters. “We’re going to have to hear them talk about their childhoods and their favorite foods, not to mention the part where they participate in some kind of pop culture fad to show that they, like us, know how to have fun and don’t take themselves too seriously. And the whole time they’ll be going on about shared values and small-town America and whatever else they think will resonate with us. Christ, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this.” At press time, the nation had resolved to just get this over with by watching a video of a recent Hillary Clinton appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

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