Almost three years ago, my partner and I decided to experiment with opening up our relationship. More recently, we’ve “come out” as polyamorous, meaning we are free to be involved with more than one person at a time, physically and/or emotionally, in a transparent, consensual way.

In practice, this means that I currently have a wife, who I live with, along with our two-year-old son. I also have a girlfriend, who lives elsewhere and has a daughter. I love both my wife and my girlfriend deeply, in different ways. My wife has a new male love interest, also living elsewhere, also with children.

It is a little complex, but it needn’t be horrifying. Yet when I tell people about the recent change to our 11-year relationship, I’m usually met with fear and confusion. That’s understandable, perhaps; open non-monogamy remains a relatively uncommon choice and comes with its fair share of upsets and hurt feelings. At times I, too, have felt some fear and confusion. But it’s hard being judged by others for making a considered adult choice.

The biggest anxiety our situation raises, it seems, is that we’re parents. The overwhelming suspicion seems to be that our child will either be exposed to a dangerous level of eroticism, or somehow miss out on attention, stability and love.

It is remarkably similar to some of the hysteria conjured by religious and political zealots around same-sex parenting back in the 1980s. Still, I’m sympathetic. Having entered the brave new world of conscious non-monogamy only in the past few years, I, too, am unravelling decades of social conditioning that suggest open relationships are OK-ish (a bit bohemian; juvenile even), provided there aren’t children involved. Children need consistency, right? But does consistency have to mean monogamy?

“There’s no reason to believe that monogamy is any better [or worse] than other family structures – of which poly families are just one,” says British psychotherapist, academic and author of The Psychology Of Sex, Dr Meg-John Barker. “Structures with more adults involved, and more community support around them, may well work better for many people. Of course, conscious non-monogamy isn’t necessarily any better than other models: there are problematic parenting behaviours across all relationship styles. But there’s certainly zero evidence that it is worse as a basis for childrearing than monogamy.”

In many ways, polyamorous couples face the same challenges or rewards as blended families where divorced parents remarry. Mancub, 16, is the child of polyamorous parents living in Northamptonshire, whom he quite simply calls “my adults”: Cassie (his mum), Josh (his dad) and Amanda (their partner). “Even at a young age, I was able to grasp the concept that my mum and dad could love more than one person,” he says. “The only thing I’ve found challenging about having three adults in my family is getting away with things, because it means more people to check up on you, to make sure you did your chores. But I also have more people around to give me lifts here and there, to help with homework and to come to my lacrosse games. The saying ‘raised by a village’ definitely applies to me. I feel like a completely normal teenager, just with polyamorous parents.”

This kind of positive response is not uncommon. Researcher and relationship coach Dr Eli Sheff is author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships And Families, which details 15 years of studying polyamorous families. This includes interviews with 206 people in polyamorous families in the US, 37 of them children.

“Looking at these kids overall, I would say that they are equally – if not more – emotionally healthy than their peers,” Sheff says. “The kids from poly families are pros at establishing new relationships. They’ve been growing up marinated in personal growth and honesty, and exposed to a wide range of ideas. They don’t necessarily think they’ll be polyamorous themselves, particularly since most grow up in an environment designed to foster independent thought.”

Though my wife and I have no plans to live with any other partner, we will continue to be cautious about how and when we introduce our son to significant others. In my view, he has certainly benefited from the presence of my girlfriend: the pair have a touchingly close relationship; she was the first person ever to babysit him (when my wife and I went out for a date); and as a trained actress and born storyteller, she’s definitely his favourite when it comes to bedtime stories.

I’m acutely aware that our son will soon know himself to be different from the norm, since he has two mothers (and a donor, whom our son hasn’t met, though my wife and I maintain contact because we like him, and in case our son wishes to contact him when he is older). I have worried at times: will he feel vulnerable because his parents have veered away from the traditional paradigm?

One frequent criticism of blended families is that children lose important people when relationships atrophy

At the moment, it isn’t a pressing concern; the things that matter most to him right now are ice-cream, trains, and refusing to wear pyjamas. As he grows, however, it will become important to answer his questions in an age-appropriate way. “This can mean using terms like ‘special friend’ or ‘sleepover’, but doesn’t mean avoiding the truth,” says Dr Lori Beth Bisbey, a London-based psychologist and practising polyamorist. “If your child asks why he has two mums, you’d answer that question directly, so don’t be any different about your relationship status. For those adults in your life who are freaking out about your choices, you can ask them whether they think that it’s possible to love more than one child, and explain how loving more than one partner is much like that.”

What happens if there’s a breakup? One frequent criticism of blended families is that children lose important people from their lives when relationships atrophy. “At least half of all marriages end in divorce, and when questioned, a minimum of 30% of people admit to infidelity, though the number can rise to 75% depending on how the question is asked,” argues Sheff. “At least in poly families people can talk about it. Kids don’t feel they have this awful secret if they know their parent is with someone else. That is what is corrosive to wellbeing and mental health.”

Secrets and lies – these are things that ought, ideally, to be eradicated in poly relationships, although in practice humans are still, well, human. Having been traditionally unfaithful and openly polyamorous, I know that my self-respect and inner contentment are far higher in the latter scenario. In consciously open relationships, the idea of infidelity is less clear cut, and becomes an agreement between two (or more) people. “Cheating” can still happen, when trust is broken: going on a date without telling the other partner, for instance, or lying about one’s intensifying feelings towards another partner. On the whole, however, there is much less dishonesty or evasion than in more monogamous setups, which arguably results in fewer acrimonious breakups.

We won’t know the impact of our choices until our son can articulate it. When the time comes, I intend to listen, allowing him to express his ideas or complaints. I hope to take great care of any part of our bond that might have been overstretched somehow by my mistakes or actions, though I have zero intention of foisting details of my sex life on him. What I might say, instead, is that I don’t believe in sublimating all my own needs merely because I’ve become a parent. I think that doing so can lead to greater problems, and I want to show him that it is possible to get most of one’s own needs met openly and responsibly, while also loving someone else – including one’s child.

Once he is old enough to understand, I’ll also tell him this: my relationship with his mother has strengthened since we allowed each other to be attracted to, or fall in love with, other people. That’s not to say it has been easy (hell no: the opposite). But ultimately it has been worth it, because the freer we are to look elsewhere, the freer we are to choose each other. My wife and I are more honest and less co-dependent than we have ever been in our 11 years together. I believe our son is more likely to grow up with two parents who love one another, and are committed to one another. Which is surely what matters most.

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