Meal prepping on Sunday places you next to the saints in terms of holiness. And assembling meals for the week ahead can be so easy. Just imagine what you’ll do with your new spare time! Follow these ten simple steps and you can free up your weeknights and become the Queen of Carrots, for starters.

Step 1: The Foraging

Go to Whole Foods, or any other grocery store that assaults your wallet and forces you to ogle its cheese selection slack-jawed and drooling. Locate the thickest, most handsome carrots and fill your cart to the brim with them. You heard me correctly: To. The. Brim. When you check out and the clerk asks, “Are you sure you want this many carrots?” say, “Of course. I am to become their Queen.”

Step 2: The Choppening

Chop approximately a thousand carrots. By the end, you’ll have chopped a thousand carrots. This is a really big deal! You now know the self-righteousness of being a meal-prepper.

Step 3: The Coronation

Construct a crown of ten to twenty carrots (the exact number of carrots depends on your desired level of ornamentation). Hold a coronation for yourself. You are now the Queen of Carrots. Conduct your business accordingly.

Step 4: The Quinoa Cloud

Make a big batch of quinoa. Imagine the little grains levitating above the pot and swarming around you. You are a Carrot Queen in a quinoa cloud. With a faint snap, each quinoa bead latches onto your skin, its sprout tail aquiver. You find that you have a layer of quinoa covering your body, like some protein-packed peach fuzz.

Step 5: The Tupperware

Open a Tupperware of sliced carrots. Rub one across the back of your hand. Doesn’t that feel like human touch? Perhaps the consoling touch of a friend you want to make your lover. But you cannot take on another lover. Not yet. Not this early in your reign.

Step 6: The Part That Involves Beets

Roast a bunch of beets. Beets are good for you, like therapy and high-pitched screaming into the night while wearing only your carrot crown. Beets: the high-pitched-screaming-into-the-night-while-nude of vegetables! When your hands are dyed red, intensely mutter, “Out, damned spot” in front of your carrot court. Then explain to them that you are kidding! It’s a classic Lady Macbeth goof. The Queen of Carrots has a sense of humor, contrary to the rumors.

Step 7: The Assembling of the Troops

Chop broccoli into florets. This is your army. You are a meal-prepper and a queen. Imagine your upcoming week’s anxieties are engaged in battle with your fearsome brassica forces. The anxieties are winning. The to-do’s—they’re everywhere. They’re coming for you. You must not let them win. Show them who is queen. Deploy your broccoli troops.

Step 8: The Expansion of Your Empire

Fling broccoli across your center island toward the masses of encroaching enemies also known as your husband and your therapist. They see you in your crown; they want your power. They are in awe of the elaborate carrot diorama you’ve arranged on every available surface—thousands of carrots perched upright, cut-side down, displayed in a fearsome tableau. Yell at them, “I AM A MEAL-PREPPER! I REIGN SUPREME!” Keep flinging broccoli.

Step 9: The Quick and Sudden Letdown

As they wheel you away to a place where you will be able to “get some rest” and “stop making ungodly amounts of precooked grains,” laugh to yourself. You did it. You prepared for the week ahead. You stacked Tupperware high and wide in your fridge. And, for a fleeting moment, you achieved enlightenment.

Step 10: The Future

When you return home, you will come up with a new plan. You will just sign up for Blue Apron. They do all that shit for you.