(A medieval dungeon)

PRIEST FROLLO

Thanks for filling in with such short notice George. I think you’ll find there aren’t too many differences between the castle salon and this dungeon. But to me the only difference I think stands out is that there are more sinners here than people that need a haircut. But since you’re the best at what you do, and your resume checks out, you may already be ready to get the promotion you desire.

GEORGE

Frollo, honey, please, I deal with more sinners than you see in a second, okay? I’ve been dying to see what else I can do around this castle, but let’s make it quick I have to go back upstairs to do the king’s manscaping at 5. I may need to borrow your holy water for the job. I mean all that hair he has all over his fat ass just gives me nightmares and chills. So unholy!

PRIEST FROLLO

You’re not gay are you? I mean if you are, we may have to strap you to this chair and cut your nuts off! As unholy as that sounds, we have to do it for the sake of our lord.





GEORGE

Relax, honey, I’m just Brazilian. We like to show off and have a little fun with our lives. But before we start the torture, let’s talk about that unibrow caterpillar on your face. We need to wax it before it becomes a butterfly. Okay baby?

PRIEST FROLLO

That sounds painful! No wonder you seem perfect for this job, but let’s see you at work!





GUARD RICHARD

(YELLING FROM OFFSTAGE)

Father Frollo, hello, sorry to interrupt, but the next prisoner is ready to enter. Gosh, he looks sad, mind if I give him my cookie? I was going to have it for lunch, but I thought before we gave him hell, he should have a little something nice just to make him feel a little better. Even though my Mom worked hard baking me that cookie, I…well then, I don’t want to upset my Mommy. She’s such a wonderful woman and it’s so nice of her to let me live with her even though it’s hard to say your 47 year old son still lives with his Mom, but hey at least…





PRIEST FROLLO

(YELLING ANGRILY)

SHUT UP RICHARD! JUST BRING THE SINNER IN HERE!

(Guard Richard and Prisoner enter)

GEORGE

WOW, hey Mr. Guard Man, how long did it take you to climb down from your beanstalk? You must be like at least 7 feet tall, honey, don’t bump your head now.





GUARD RICHARD

You’re a funny little man yourself, being a gentle giant that’s my game. Anyway, Father Frollo and funny new guy, here’s our prisoner. He’s here because he believes in the new upstart religion, “The Sons of the Flying Alligators!” As much as it pains me, he’s the first victim of the day. Let’s go easy on him. We have to consider his family, you know.





PRISONER

I’ll NEVER TALK! THE GREAT FLYING ALLIGATOR WILL FREE ME FROM THIS REALM AND BRING ME TO THE FOREVER SWAMP!





PRIEST FROLLO

YOUR LITTLE CULT WON’T SAVE YOU NOW! GEORGE, DO YOUR THING!





GUARD RICHARD

OH GOD I CAN’T WATCH!

(George approaches the prisoner’s hair with scissors)

GUARD RICHARD

WOW! Cutting the fingers off on your first day! This guy’s good!





GEORGE

Take that and that! Before you cross the king you have to deal with me! And if you cross with me, my claws come out, baby!





PRIEST FROLLO

George, what are you doing?





GEORGE

(Holding the prisoner’s hair)

I’m giving him the worst haircut of his life! This poor guy will never want to go out in public again!

GUARD RICHARD

(SCREAMING/CRYING)

OH THE HORROR, THAT POOR MAN’S HAIR! FROLLO STOP HIM BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING WORSE!





PRIEST FROLLO

Seriously? Okay you’re new, so I’ll leave this as a warning! Now, do something truly painful to make this sinner change his sinful ways!





PRISONER

OH THE TORTURE! Can I go home now? I mean, thanks for the haircut, but I have to go to the house that the all mighty flying alligator built! Or maybe I can just…





(Guard Richard grabs the Prisoner and pushes him back down)





GUARD RICHARD

Sorry guy, but you have another half hour of torturing to go through here, and then, I guess we’ll bring in that woman who solved that math problem. Anyway George, give it another go! I BELIEVE IN YOU, BUDDY!

GEORGE

Okay, okay, I get the hint okay! Got to be a little tougher, come on George, think? Fine, I have another evil thing in mind, but I was saving it for someone really bad!





(George approaches the prisoner and grabs his hand while holding scissors)





PRISONER

PLEASE NO! I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! ALL POWERFUL FLYING ALLIGARTOR YOUR SON NEEDS YOU!





(Prisoner covers his eyes)

PRIEST FROLLO

Now we’re getting somewhere! See it only takes a little practice to master the art of torture…Wait what?





GEORGE

There, I know I got it this time, Frollo! I just gave this poor bastard the ugliest manicure anyone has ever seen! YEAH! I’M A BAD BOY! That you’ll teach you not to…hey what did this guy do again?





PRISONER

(Sarcastically)

Oh no the horror, my nails were prefect before and now…seriously, where did you people come from? I guess you Christians will think anything’s torture! Well, I better hit the old dusty trail…





(Prisoner slowly begins standing up)





PRIEST FROLLO

Oh no you don’t sinner!

(Pushing prisoner down)

Come on George. The lord surely put you in my dungeon for a reason! You’ve got to give us something to work with here!

GUARD RICHARD

Seriously George, this is the big time! Frollo, can I get Bobby in here, he was great at torturing prisoners! Maybe Bobby could teach George a thing or two?

PRIEST FROLLO

Don’t you remember Richard you big hooded idiot? Bobby was caught having an affair with the king’s third wife! We killed him, remember?

GUARD RICHARD

That guy was Bobby! Wow he really let himself go…anyway George, my advice for you from working 10 years as a dungeon guard is two things…give them hell and they’ll talk! Again George…I BELIEVE IN YOU!





PRIEST FROLLO

Remember George, this is you’re last shot! Give this sinner pain and he’ll give himself over to Christ!





PRISONER

I’LL NEVER GIVE MYSELF OVER TO CHRIST! THE FLYING ALLIGATOR IS THE TRUE SAVIOR OF THIS FLAT WORLD!





GEORGE

Okay I get it! I don’t want to go back to trimming the king’s back hair for all eternity! I know what I must do!

(To Guard Richard)

Richard honey, hand me the curlers!





PRISONER

OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL! KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!





GEORGE

(George putting the curlers in the prisoner’s hair)

Take that and that! You will pay for your crimes and sinful ways, mister!





PRISONER

FLYING ALLIGATOR MAKE IT STOP! WHAT’S HAPPENING?





GEORGE

(Spraying the prisoner’s hair)

Now you can’t get your hair wet for 48 hours. Okay honey baby!





PRISONER

What is that horrible smell? Please stop, it burns! FLYING ALLIGATOR YOUR SON WILL SEE YOU NOW!





(Prisoner makes choking noises and passes out)

PRIEST FROLLO

(Lightly pushing the prisoner with his foot)

Okay? What did you do to him George?

GEORGE

It’s called a perm and it’s the single most horrifying torture you can inflict upon a person. My god, what have I done! Jesus, baby, forgive me, honey!

GUARD RICHARD

A perm, huh, looks nice! Can I make an appointment at your salon next Tuesday afternoon? I could use a perm! Might get me a girlfriend! And also, I could use a little manscaping myself! It’s swimsuit season after all!





GEORGE

(Sarcastically)

OKAY RICAHRD HONEY, I’LL SCHEDULE YOU IN NEXT TUESDAY AFTERNOON! JUST BRING ME YOUR GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS AND IT’LL BE A DONE, DEAL, HONEY!





GUARD RICHARD

WOW! I got an appointment at the royal salon! But all I have is my Discover Card! Father Frollo could you loan me a goose that lays the golden eggs by Monday? I’ll pay you back!





PRIEST FROLLO

(SIGHING)

Why lord? Why do you make me work with these idiots!

GEORGE

And Frollo, honey, I’ll schedule an appointment for you too! Besides the unibrow thing, you probably need a little manscaping yourself!





PRIEST FROLLO

(SCREAMING)

OH LORD NOOOOOOO!





(Blackout.)