As Cosmopolitan points out, the story in the above photo of an unknown tabloid is probably fake. Be that as it may, the story is going crazy viral, so let’s endlessly speculate about it anyway! “Emma McCabe,” who is most assuredly not a real person, claims to be in love with a Poplar tree named “Tim” after a string of bad relationships with actual human men, and she also claims it to be “the best sex she’s ever had.”

The burning question is, obviously, “How does one go about having sex with a tree?” Would this be some sort of strap-on situation or just dry humping the tree? I hope it wouldn’t involve any actual penetration with the tree or even genitals-on-tree contact because… ouch.

Even Google image search was no help in this situation, and a cursory search provides mostly just trees that look like they’re having sex or trees that have parts shaped like butts or wieners. So, congratulations, random British tabloid. You’ve invented a story that even perverts on the internet haven’t delved into yet. That’s a pretty impressive feat.