TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing a bunch of young adults who basically just graduated high school to use a historic 30-room manor to conduct rituals designed to humiliate and endanger one another is kind of bizarre,” said University of Alabama president Stuart R. Bell, noting that the dozens of enormous, stately homes around campus filled with young people inserting objects into each other’s rectums and forcing the most vulnerable among them to binge drink until they get alcohol poisoning or, in some cases, even die, did seem slightly off. “I suppose it’s a bit peculiar to provide students whom we are supposedly preparing to function in the real world with a luxurious manor in which they piss all over one another. I mean, it’s odd enough that a group of impressionable, still-immature students are mentally and physically abusing one another for fun, but we also give them a big, gorgeous house to do it in.” At press time, the university had reportedly forgotten all about the issue when they received a large donation check from one of their wealthy fraternity alumni.

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