Jerry Retford used to abuse his wife - physically, verbally and emotionally. His violence was also witnessed by his two children.

However, Mr Retford said he turned his life around after attending a Relationships Australia program that helps violent men acknowledge and change their abusive behaviours.

He wanted to share his story in the hope it would encourage other men to seek help and also because he wanted to take responsibility for his actions.

"I'm very proud of who I am today and the changes that I've made that have made me the man I am today," he said.

"I guess I want to share in the hope that it will help, not only other men, but other relationships and help people who have been in the same position."

Mr Retford said the turning point for him came when he realised the impact his abusive behaviour was having on his children.

"My wife and I had a very violent marriage from the outset. We resolved our difficulties physically and neither of us had the skills to use non-violent means or conflict resolution.

"During one particular awful fight, our oldest child just quietly walked upstairs, went into his bedroom and closed his door. I realised that actually, a few years ago he would also scream and shout when mum and dad fought and ask us to stop.

"But at such a small age, he'd gotten used to that was the way mum and dad dealt with stuff and 'hey, I'll just go up to my bedroom until it's over'.

"And that's what really brought it home to me. It was like, 'he should not grow up in that environment, thinking in any way that that's OK'."

Mr Retford said the impact on his children was even more apparent after he witnessed a role-playing incident when one of his sons used action figures to mimic his parents' behaviour.

"My son had two action men he was playing with. And he was like 'wow Action Man, that's cool, can I come into your den?' And then 'no fuck off, you can't come in'.

"And it was just like he didn't think anything of it. And I thought, he's four-years-old and he's using the term fuck off as a way of saying 'no you can't come into my house' because that's the way he saw his mum and dad speak to each other all the time."

Despite being aware there was a problem it took a divorce and another relationship before Mr Retford actually sought help.

"Whilst I wasn't physically abusive in the relationships after my divorce I was verbally and emotionally abusive. And thankfully that person had the skills to say 'that's not OK in this relationship. Go and get some help'," he said.

"Ultimately that relationship came to an end but I am grateful to her for the catalyst that brought about so much change in me and also so grateful to the wonderful people at Relationships Australia for the Taking Responsibility course and the amazing men that I did that course with, who actually showed me no matter what else is going on in a relationship the only thing I can fix is me.

"And I need to take responsibility for that if I want to get well. Instead of blaming everyone else for what was going on, I started looking at me and how I can change me and it was a phenomenal process.

"In terms of my life, my healed life, compared to my unhealed life, I guess I've been going well for five or six years now, out of 45 years.

"It's easy to say 'I just lose control when that happens', but we actually make a choice to use violence. Albeit a totally misguided and unconscious choice - it is still a choice.

"Whether it be physical, verbal or emotional violence - any violence that is exerting my will over somebody else's. You just need to slow that down significantly and from that point say 'OK maybe I need to just run outside and go scream at the trees instead'.

"That's a choice rather than hitting someone, or swearing at someone or throwing something at someone."

'It's not like I punched her - I just slapped her with an open hand'

Mr Retford said the rage phenomenon was not just confined to the male population but society as a whole had come to embrace such concepts as road rage, shopping rage and parking rage which forfeited the notion of taking responsibility and minimised these behaviours.

"It is an endorphin addiction, an adrenalin addiction, a rage addiction, which is such a big thing in society today, for example road rage. The level of rage in people today and their inability to manage what is going on is a contributing factor," he said.

Minimising, or making excuses for violent behaviour, was also a major factor that allowed men to justify their actions, according to Mr Retford.

"(During the course) we could see how the new ones used minimisation - men are so good at that. The new guys would come in and say 'oh it's not like I punched her, I just slapped her with an open hand' or 'I didn't smash the mug on her. I just smashed it on the wall beside her' and the minimisation that goes on in our heads - well 'that's not violence, that's just me venting'," he said.

"Until it is actually pointed out what the effects of that means and how damaging it is for a relationship and the fear it causes, men think 'oh I behave in this way and I get a benefit from it', so they keep doing it. Until they can see fear is not a benefit and life is better without it."

Mr Retford said men who wanted to get help should avoid going to the pub and confiding in their mates because they were likely to find support for such ongoing behaviour and there were healthier places to get help.

"Men who think they might need help need to go to the right places for that help. Don't go down the pub and say 'we had a blue and I slapped her' because your mates are going to say 'it's fine mate. It's just a slap. It's no problem.' And chances are they won't point you in the right direction. Violence is a cultural sickness and acceptable on so many levels it's insidious.

"Men don't know how to express themselves and don't know how to explain what they're feeling. It's like guys aren't taught ... especially my generation.

"I can look at my environment or my lack of education around relationships and say 'yeah, no-one ever taught me how to express my feelings in a mature adult way' but by doing that I'm not actually taking responsibility for the fact I'm an adult now and I can start learning those skills right now."

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Short film to challenge traditional views of domestic violence

Using his own recovery as motivation, Mr Retford is working on a number of short films with Films4Change on how domestic violence is viewed.

"The films are about remodelling abusive behaviour in relationships and as part of the promo I have a slow push in to the female actor who has just been abused and she is saying very simply 'I need help'. The final scene is the same cut to the guy saying 'I need help', which he does because it's not just about him as the perpetrator and this is so important to understand," he said.

"If we label this issue as 'victim-perpetrator' it is going to alienate a lot of men who might otherwise say 'I need help' and it's really important to acknowledge that 'yes I have perpetrated violence and abuse in the past, but I'm glad that somebody helped me and didn't judge me for that'.

"And that's why I want it to be seen as 'victim-victim' not just 'victim-perpetrator'.

"I still react to things. I don't not feel anger anymore, but I don't make my partner responsible for my feelings. I don't blame her for what's going on in my life.

"Life with my partner now is so peaceful, we have not had an angry word in the five or so years we've been together and we both understand that our own stuff is our own stuff and you don't need to dump that on the other person. We take responsibility.

"That was the name of the RA course I pretty much lived on for a year and taking responsibility is what makes the real change.

"Once the recognition has happened, it goes from being a near impossible problem, to actually being kind of easy."