Fix your tuck, blend your lace, and stock up on some dollar store props, because RuPaul’s Drag Race is back!

Yes, after the success that was Season 8 and the abomination that was All Stars 2, Drag Race, the best and yet worst and yet best show on television, is here once again to spew glitter, sequence, and rhinestones at your unsuspecting body.

Now, where did we leave off last time?

“I deserve to win!!! Waaaah!!!!”

“Oh my god, I’m so humble you guys.”

Oh…. right.

…ANYWAY ON TO SEASON 9!

Plot Twist: RuPaul has been a mannequin this whole time.

After a quick montage of the workroom, which somehow hasn’t been burned to the ground by Phi Phi O’Hara yet, we get introduced to our Queens.

First up is Peppermint, looking like she stumbled into being on the show.

If nothing else, I appreciate the baby hairs she drew on.

Unless that is her actual hair. Which would honestly be even better.

Up next is Valentina, who I assume glued her dress to her chest because there’s no breast plate to hold it up.

Along with this look, we get introduced to Valentina’s confessional look, which is as a slam beat poet who works as a barista during the day.

So far the most convincing costume of the season.

Next up is Eureka, who challenges Darienne Lake’s record time of .003 seconds in the event of “Fastest Time Establishing the Obvious Fact that you’re the Big Girl of the Season.”

After her, we start to see the Queens interacting with one another.

“My favorite shape is round.”

“I can tell.”

“Bitch I will eat you.”

They’re already fast friends.

Next up is Charlie Hides, clearly a two-faced bitch.

And yes, Charlie is 52. Can we stop talking about this now? If we keep hyping up older Queens, pretty soon they will cast an 80 year old, she’ll fall and break her hip on the runway, and will die from complications during surgery.

Do you want that?

After her is Vegas Queen, Farrah Moan, who is basically naked in this shot.

“Hi, my name’s Eureka, like the vacuum.”

“Oh, I’ve never vacuumed before.”

“Well, I plan to clean up the competition.”

I’m liking Eureka already.

Up next is Sasha Velour, who-

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

“Ah… what?”

“AAAAaaagh- *cough* *cough*”

“…oh wow.”

…anyway, next is Sasha Velour, a Queen from Brooklyn, who apparently likes making a great first impression.

“What’s with your unibrow?”

As does Eureka.

After her is Alexis Michelle, another New York Queen. What does she have above the other Queens?

This.

Charlie quickly points out that there’s a large east coast presence already in the competition.

“Hate to break it to you, but Los Angeles is the center of the universe.”

“….really?”

Up next is Shea Couleé, who….

Wait, is that…

Is she really wearing an outfit with Pearl plastered on the front?

There’s no better first impression than reminding everyone of a previous contestant.

Next up is Trinity Taylor, who calls herself a body Queen.

Lovely.

Apparently Trinity and Eureka already know each other, seen here in this picture with the two of them and some nameless Queen no one knows.

“I just wanna say, I’m one of the nice pageant Queens.”

“That is a lie.”

“…”

Up next is Kimora Blac, also hailing from Vegas. Apparently all guys, straight or gay, love her for her fabulous face and her fabulous body.

And presumably for her fabulous lack of toes.

We also get a nice zoom in on Kimora’s ass.

Emmy award winning, everybody.

Farrah can see a future where Kimora’s ass will be on t-shirts.

Or she’s staring into the abyss. Either or.

“I’ve been doing Drag for 10 years.”

“I’ve been doing it for 10 months.”

This competition is going to eat Valentina alive.

And speaking of getting eaten alive.

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Oh, sorry, this is Jaymes Mansfield. A small town Queen who isn’t as vocal or loud as the other Queens.

Poor girl is dead meat.

“Is this all fake?”

“I’d say from the foot up is all fake.”

“I meant your personality.”

*Internally screaming for help*

Up next is Nina Bonina Banana Fofana Osama Bin Laden Brown, as she introduces herself.

I wonder if that’s her birth name.

“I wouldn’t say I’m cosplay, I’m just more… you never know what you’re gonna get.”

“So it’s like STDs, you never know what you’re gonna get.”

Eureka is killing it this premiere.

Last but not least is Aja, the 417th New York Queen of the season.

Trinity: “Oh wow it’s nice to meet you.”

“Aja’s makeup is super harsh, and I may have to tell her.”

Glad to see you’re disproving Eureka’s point.

And with that, we have our cast.

Uh… what?

Wait, is that?

“Hello, I’m Ronnie.”

Oh my god.

No joke, this is one of the best moments in Drag Race history. Lady Gaga posing as the 14th contestant, pretending to be an impersonator. Like most people, I lost it when I saw this moment.

Plus, it helps validate the point that Lady Gaga is really just a cis female Drag Queen.

Naturally, none of the other Queens know what to think.

Alexis calls her the Derrick Berry of the season, which is probably the worst insult you can throw at someone.

Soon, Gaga reveals herself to the other Queens.

Who naturally all loss their minds.

We get a good moment with Eureka telling Gaga how she was close to death and how she helped her recover, which is honestly important. We may all take shits on this show, but when the show wants to be dramatic, it does it pretty well.

But enough with the dramatics.

“HELLO HELLO HELLO!”

RuPaul, who honestly feels like a step down after Lady Gaga, comes down to greet the contestants.

But not before having awkward banter with Gaga.

RuPaul explains that the challenge will be to do two looks, one based on their hometown, one based on Lady Gaga, in a pageant competition to become Miss Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent.

GET IT!? IT SPELLS “CUNT”!

Also, no Queens will be going home tonight. Meaning that the premiere lacks any drama. Good start!

With that, the Queens run over and start setting up.

Farrah has trouble finding a work station for herself, which is odd since there should be enough for the fourteen thirteen Queens of the competition.

Charlie talks about how she has impersonated Gaga, and many other celebrities, before, inclduing getting threats from Lana Del Rey.

Peppermint says that Charlie’s humor is “unique”, and an acquired taste, which is my favorite shady way of saying someone isn’t funny.

Aja talks about all the designers she’s familiar with how much of the New York life she has lived. Kimora talks about how annoying it is.

“Girl, no one cares.”

Remember this.

With that out of the way, TIME FOR JUDGING!!!

Oh, so…. you’re not even gonna bother getting in Drag today, Ru?

“Choices.”

Michelle meanwhile looks… I can’t even shade her, she looks great here.

Carson is here again after losing Celebrity Apprentice.

Hey, look, Ross is back. Remember him?

*crickets*

…. moving on.

Lady Gaga looks amazing, as always. I wish I could walk into a boardroom with a jacket, no shirt, and boobs out.

With the judges introduced, it’s time for the hometown looks.

Statue of Liberty count: 1

I feel like I’m going to shade Valentina a lot in this season, but not now. This looks great.

Eureka’s look is disgusting and I fucking love it.

Damn it, Charlie, Gaga was on American Horror Story: Hotel, not Roanoke.

Farrah’s Vegas look screams less Vegas and more Clergy member who does Drag on the side. Which is fine, but not the challenge.

I’m not exactly sure how Sasha’s look screams Brooklyn, but at least she didn’t dress as the Statue of Liberty. Speaking of which.

Statue of Liberty count: 2.

Alexis also has various important hashtags like #BlackLivesMatter on her outfit, but are covered by her oppressive white straps.

Crap dress planning, or subtle social commentary?

“I’m Shea Couleé, and bitch I’m from Chicago!”

Damn it, Shea, everyone already made that joke on Reddit.

Trinity comes out on a giant frisbee, because apparently Florida is best known for amusement parks.

“Hi, I’m Kimora, and I’m head to toe perfection from Las Vegas, and…”

“Girl, no one cares.”

Jaymes comes out in a cow dress, which probably wasn’t the smartest move given the show’s history with cow dresses.

Never forget. Even if you already did.

Statue of Liberty count: 3.

This look is so tacky and it’s my everything right now. Best look of the night.

After that is the Lady Gaga looks.

Considering this season was filmed only a few months from the 2016 Grammy Awards, the fact that it looks so close is impressive. Well done.

Wear sunglasses so you don’t have to do eye make up, saves you half an hour.

<3<3<3

I appreciate any Queen smart enough to wear something you don’t need to tuck in.

Sorry, I am only interested in Applause if someone does a death splat or dances like a soccer mom.

Holy fuck, Alexis!

The lack of the huge head dress is disappointing. Meh.

See, Charlie? Trinity got the right season of American Horror Story right.

Uh…. that’s not the same outfit. Like, it’s similar, but considering everyone else has been so on the nose, this looks weird.

The dress and hair are good, but Jaymes decides to stumble around the runway in a daze, distracting her good look with slapstick.

Why just wear sunglasses like Valentina when you can just cover your whole face.

This is only one step away from a black chiffon burqa and a 301.

(Still love it, though.)

I didn’t even know about this look and I adore it. Amazing pull, Aja.

After that, the judges deliberate, and score each of the contestants.

Our top 3 our Eureka, Nina, and Sasha.

I agree with two of these.

And naturally, the winner is Nina.

Because duh.

After rewarding her, however, RuPaul announces the competition will now officially begin, and that he has a special surprise for them.

A past Queen is coming back and will be the fourteenth contestant.

My thoughts exactly.

“Oh bitch.”

This was a shocking twist I certainly didn’t see coming.

Seriously, who could this be.

SERIOUSLY I HAVE NO IDEA SHOW!!!

Next time on RuPaul’s Drag Race:

Eureka will eat Valentina!

Trinity will say something bitchy!

Kimora will call herself sexy!

All this, and more, next time!