Like millions before me I decided to use online dating after being single for several years. A few questions and a quick upload of my terribly cropped photos and a good “about me” was all I needed to find my dream girl. I went with something subtle yet silly. I didn’t want to come off as desperate so, “I may be ugly and poor but I always return texts promptly” seemed like a pretty accurate representation of all things me. Satisfied with my profile I fell asleep, dreaming of all the babes that were sure to be in my future.

Several days passed before I was able to really understand the intricacies of communicating online with horny strangers but my previous experience as a bartender helped me navigate my way through a sea of women with multiple cats, religious nuts, and people that might steal your kidneys and leave you in a bathtub inside a motel off the 605. My thumb effortlessly gliding right as I passed profile after profile until it happened… there she was, drunk, on a duffy boat with bright blue eyes and a romper..my next girlfriend.

We spoke for almost a day until deciding to meet in real life. Her name is Jessica and from her photos it would appear that binge drinking and expensive brunches are her hobbies. I picked a nice restaurant to meet at and the rest of the night would be in god’s hands. A few hours before our designated “meet and greet” my nerves are getting the best of me. Lucky for me I live in Southern California and have a computer so a smorgasbord of high quality cannabis products are just a few questions and clicks away from being delivered straight to my doorstep. I opted for the THClear 1000 mg syrup to quell my anxiety and make me seem less like myself and more like Zach Morris.

6:30

I’ve got about a third of the bottle gone before the uber arrives. She’s a sweetheart named Millie and her van smells like vanilla and cigarettes. She’s very interested in learning about me as we make our way towards to restaurant but I’m not wasting any of my good conversation on her so instead I pretend to be on my phone. One last sip of my syrup before we pull up to our destination, I thank her and let the van door slowly close.

6:45

My date arrives and I am definitely feeling the effects of that potent drink. My eyes feel heavier than usual as I stand up to give her a hug she smiles and said the one thing every guy fears..”i thought you were taller”, I’m average height (5’9) so I didn’t know that I needed to be a point guard in the NBA in order to ride that ride. I shrug it off and think of different ways to make her feel inadequate about the size of her gigantic feet while she’s busy ordering the most expensive glass of champagne I have ever seen on a menu. It was in that moment I began to actually feel the full effects of the syrup. My tongue feels too big for my mouth and a delightful tingly sensation began to creep up my spine, also speaking seemed like too much effort so for now Jessica can tell me all about her spring break plans.

7:00

The food arrives just in time, we decided to share a center cut filet and as they brought it out on a platter I must have been too busy thinking about Jessica’s giant feet just inches from my own to hear the server say that our plates were hot. So, like a stoned idiot I grabbed that plate with the confidence of a man in his thirties that had seen his fare share of dinnerware, the searing pain shot up my fingertips and raced through my veins. I made a noise that resembled a gang of cats fighting in an alley and excused myself to the restroom. The cold tap water felt like heaven as I opened up the bottle and sipped another tbsp of that glorious nectar once again to forge on.

7:15

Jess doesn’t know that I burned my fingertips off and I’d like to keep it that way. The meal was nearly over and I still haven’t gotten passed the fact that despite being several inches taller than her jessica’s feet seem to be about as big as mine. She’s talking about the lineup for Coachella and I’m wondering if burning my other hand might expedite the rest of this date. I’m 500 mgs into the cannabis syrup and dessert is up next.

7:30

My date excuses herself to the restroom and I pour another ounce into my glass of riesling . she returns to the table and notices the dark purple hue of the liquid in my glass. I tell her about the syrup which launches her into a story about how much she doesn’t like “pot heads”. I can’t believe my luck, somehow I’ve managed to find the exact opposite of myself in every way and I hate it. I pay for the dinner and thank Jess. We both lie and say it was fun but we have early bedtimes due to morning plans the next day.

8:15

I left dinner to meet up with my friends and talk shit about my date aka Bigfoot at a bar about a mile away. The THC syrup is also a great chaser for tequila shots it turns out but I wouldn’t recommend it after consuming 36 ounces of medium rare meat with a jerk called Jessica.

11:00

It might be the potent mix of tequila and tetrahydrocannabinol pumping through my body but I’m feeling great. Internet dating might not be the way for me to meet Mrs. VanBilliard but at least Jessica gave me the perfect night to over indulge on cannabis and overpriced grape juice.