So the President Committed a Few High Crimes, Big Deal

“President Donald Trump directed his longtime attorney Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about negotiations to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, according to two federal law enforcement officials involved in an investigation of the matter.” – BuzzFeed, 1/17/19

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I am fed up with the constant liberal media assault on my client just because he may have committed a few crimes here and there. The latest attack on President Trump is the most ridiculous one yet. Who cares if the president directed his longtime attorney to lie to Congress about negotiations to build a Trump Tower in Moscow? I never said the president was perfect and I certainly never said that he’s done zero crimes.

None of us are perfect. Who among us hasn’t ordered our shady consigliere to lie to an investigatory body in order to cover up the fact that we’re now almost definitely indebted to a Russian overlord who controls us like an evil puppeteer? It’s just a little bit of crime! Since when does everyone get so worked up over a couple little crimes? Why all the fuss? Let it go.

You know, the word “crime” doesn’t appear once in the federal criminal code of the United States, so technically there’s nothing wrong with doing a crime or two. If you’re strictly looking at the law, crimes themselves aren’t even illegal. It’s doing crimes that’s illegal and apart from the substantial evidence and testimony sitting in the special counsel’s office, there’s no evidence that my client has done any crimes. So, everything is fine here. Trust me, I’m a very good lawyer. I’m the guy who came up with, “I never said there was no collusion.” I’m exactly the kind of legal juggernaut you want in your corner during a snowballing constitutional crisis.

The mainstream media is obsessed with pinning high crimes on the president, but have they ever considered that my client may have had a moral imperative to commit those crimes? Would you fault someone for stealing a loaf of broad in order to feed their starving family? What the president has done here is no different, except his loaf of bread is a secret real estate transaction with a hostile foreign power. And his starving family is a merry band of white-collar criminals who cannot stop doing crimes.

I think most Americans would find no fault with their president suborning perjury to hide a suspicious business deal with an adversarial regime during an investigation of that same adversarial regime’s influence on our presidential election. The ultimate measure of a man is not the litany of crimes he has committed, but rather, how he covers those crimes up. And nobody covers up crimes more prolifically than my client.