We read dozens of journalists’ reviews when we put together our aggregated car reviews. It helps us get an overview of the common thoughts about each motor and balance out any differences of critical opinion.

But what if we created average car reviews? What if we analysed every review of each car to find the most popular words used to describe it?

We did exactly that for 10 cars, and found the most amusing or apt common words and phrases that cropped up. From these common words, we created brand-new car adverts with headlines and snappy taglines. What you’re reading in these adverts is the average review of each car, boiled down to its basics. And yes, it seems the average car reviewer sounds like internet meme sensation, doge.

Let’s get started, and once you’re done, scroll to the bottom of the page to see how we worked these out – we’ve shared our methodology to prove that, while nonsense, we haven’t just made it up.

Mercedes-AMG GT

Lamborghini Aventador

Porsche Cayman

Honda Civic Type-R

Dacia Sandero

Ford Fiesta ST

Jaguar F-Type

Mazda MX-5

(We don’t know how ‘Old British aggression’ got in there, but the statistics don’t lie!)

Nissan GTR

Range Rover Sport SVR

How did we work these out?

We copy-and-pasted the eight most popular UK reviews of each car into a handy Excel spreadsheet which counted the most frequently used terms. We then read down each list to see which clumps of words made sense together, then included them in our adverts. Here’s a snippet of the spreadsheet.