Dear Chump Lady,

I’m feeling so lost right now after getting chumped…

She left me May 19th saying she didn’t know if she loved me anymore and it’s not my fault, she’s not angry, I did nothing wrong, she just doesn’t know if she wants to be in a relationship right now, she just needed space, and that she would always cherish our memories together.

After she left, she moved in with her mom and made all these posts about taking her life back, and going back to school. We barely spoke or texted after that. I begged her to tell me if she wanted a divorce or not so I could start trying to move on. No response.

Then a month later on our anniversary (I sent her flowers at work) I went to Facebook and her account was still logged in. She’d fucked a guy whose age she didn’t know the day before. Then I started digging and discovered she’d been cheating since January with people she met online playing video games. So to me it seems that she left me to be in an open relationship with a long distance lover.

I confronted her with screenshots and she denied everything, then told me to never contact her again. I filed right away, but I still feel so lost. We’re both 27, were married for 7 years, together for 8. I’ve known her for 15 years. She worked full-time to pay most of the bills while I was in Clinical Laboratory Science school. She was supposed to go to school once I was done, instead she piddled around with crappy jobs. She’s working at PetSmart now while I do gene sequencing…

Can’t understand what caused her to do it either. New Year’s Eve a friend asked her how she was and she said she had never been happier…

My going theory is that it may be bipolar disorder with hypersexuality. It was one of her searches, and she had come to me several times weeping saying I had married a broken person and that she needed therapy, but wouldn’t say why. I got her set up with numbers to call, even got her in the primary care doctors office who gave her a list of numbers to call, but she never did. Her behavior is highly abnormal as she hated cheaters, super promiscuous women, and open relationships at least when we first got together. Cut people out of her life for good over that kind of stuff. Her coldness and callousness is so unreal it’s hard to imagine that she ever loved me at all.

I’m restarting my entire adult life after having built it around her…. No clue what I want or where I’m going. All of my goals were to provide for a life for us and make her happy.

UnluckyCline

Dear UnluckyCline,

Well, good news is you’ve got a lot of adult life left to invest in people far more worthy of you.

It’s totally normal to feel rudderless after crushing betrayal. You thought your future was secure, that you’d made some adult decisions about life partner and careers. You invested deeply, because that’s what good people do — and she’s shot it all to hell like a white supremacist with an assault rifle in a Sunday school.

Now all you’re left with is theories.

Theories that she might be bipolar, hypersexual, or sorry. UnluckyCline, that’s Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness. Please stop.

The only thing you need to know here is that she’s a person capable of casual betrayal. (Hi, goblin smiter! You look nice! Let’s fuck!) Video game hook-ups, really? Put down the DSM manual. All you need to know is she did this. Repeatedly. That’s either acceptable to you, or it’s not. You can either stay married to that, or you can’t.

You wisely chose to divorce her. As painful as that is, theories of Why She’s a Terrible Person will not help you. Take all that energy and devote it to gene sequencing, or organizing your sock drawer, or lining the rat cages at work with fresh newspaper. Pretty much anywhere that’s not the frozen puddle of her character.

She did it because she could. That’s not acceptable. Next thought.

she didn’t know if she loved me anymore and it’s not my fault, she’s not angry, I did nothing wrong, she just doesn’t know if she wants to be in a relationship right now,

UBT translation — she’s in another relationship now. (Several.)

she just needed space,

So you can’t see.

and that she would always cherish our memories together.

Cherish, as in, find you utterly forgettable as compared to shiny pixelated goblins.

Are we forgetting her yet? Let’s do another!

I begged her to tell me if she wanted a divorce or not so I could start trying to move on.

She enjoys the begging (kibbles!). Don’t EVER ask a fuckwit for a divorce — take the lead and DO IT. It’s not their decision, it’s YOUR decision.

So to me it seems that she left me to be in an open relationship with a long distance lover.

Open relationships require knowing that you’re in an open relationship. You were being duped. Ergo you weren’t in an open relationship. She may have “wanted” an “open relationship” — her actions say she wanted control over her multiple kibble sources. I’m sure she was no more honest with the goblins than she was with you. (Not that goblins care, horny little creatures.)

She was supposed to go to school once I was done, instead she piddled around with crappy jobs. She’s working at PetSmart now while I do gene sequencing

Then you don’t share the same values or ambitions. Feel zero guilt that she worked while you went to school. Couples support each other. She could’ve gone to school while you went to school, or pursued a vocation.

My going theory is that it may be bipolar disorder with hypersexuality.

My going theory is that she’s a crap person with lousy character.

she had come to me several times weeping saying I had married a broken person and that she needed therapy, but wouldn’t say why. I got her set up with numbers to call, even got her in the primary care doctors office who gave her a list of numbers to call, but she never did.

Then she’s not that troubled by her “brokenness,” then is she?

Funny how she’s got all the executive functioning in the world to hook up with randos and create online avatars, but lacks all ability to dial a number.

Her behavior is highly abnormal

Only because you didn’t know what her behavior was. The shock is abnormal. The contrast to who she projected herself to be is abnormal. But by all reports, she doesn’t seem very troubled by her behavior. “Never been happier.” I think being a crap person with lousy character feels pretty normal to her.

UnluckyCline — you weren’t a good match. You know how to commit and love deeply and work towards a common future, and she’s callous and not all that deep. A hundred chumps will comment today that they wish they got out at 27 with their lives still intact. No kids, no mortgage.

I’m sorry she wasn’t worthy of you. There’s a good life out there — and pretty soon your new improved life is going to eclipse your old life. She’ll be a bad memory, a ghost, and it won’t hurt. I promise.

((Hugs))