If you read a lot about sports on the Internet, you've probably seen your share of essays by American soccer novices deciding on which English Premiership team to support as they officially jump into the fandom. They go all out, with lots of research and soul-searching and weak analogies to the Cincinnati Reds. Friends, this is not one of those essays. The new season begins Friday, but I don't care about the teams, their history, or their current players. I am a soccer idiot, as evidenced by the fact that I couldn't even enjoy the 2018 World Cup, even though people seemed to agree it was a good one. I like to read books about soccer (like the excellent Among the Thugs, one of the best sports books ever written) better than I like to actually watch it.