



Millennials aren”t getting laid and what’s worse, they don”t want to. Even the ones in relationships aren”t having sex. Their parents are having more sex than they are and their parents are gross. On my show, I asked regular guest Mercedes Carrera why this is happening and she said it’s Malthusian. Citing the mouse utopia experiment, she claimed species stop breeding when they hit an apex. If we were Scientologists we”d call it “full clarity.” Why continue evolution when you”ve finished evolving? Japan seems to have cut out intercourse entirely, and we all know how advanced they are.

She’s got a point. We are so spoiled we”re now complaining that air-conditioning is sexist. When entrepreneurs improve our lives, we scoff at them and say, “You didn”t build that.” We used to all agree that late-term abortions are wrong, but those days are gone and now fourth-trimester abortions are considered a viable option. The Dead Ovary Feminists hate men so much they just stopped making them. Millennials aren”t fighting back. When told that virtually all sex is rape and hitting on girls is assault, they”ve responded with a surrendering shrug. Millennials are behaving exactly like the mice in Universe 25. They are sexless and bored with no interest in carrying on.

“You don”t get hairy palms when you masturbate too much, but you do get dumped.”

However, my colleague may have missed something. She’s a porn star and believes the medium often leads to healthier sex lives, especially for married couples. I ain”t buying it. I think pornography and masturbation are bad for you and I think they”re behind this millennial malaise. As Warden Barrot says in Papillon, “Masturbate as little as possible. It drains the strength!”

So I started an experiment. It’s called #NoWanks and it involves no porn or masturbation more than once every 30 days. Comedian Dante Nero and I set out on this voyage a couple of weeks ago and we”ve both noticed a huge improvement in our lives already. I can”t repeat the things he’s been texting me, but suffice it to say he has been ravaging his girlfriend in ways never before imagined. I”ll spare you the details about my marriage, but let’s just say our bond is much stronger than it was before the experiment. I”ve also been receiving letters from viewers who have come aboard. They report feeling more confident and in control. One said,

…wow did it make me see my wife in a different light. I lust after her constantly now without any awkwardness, and in a way that she responds to. It’s like a weird Don Juan thing, where I can make her blush and swoon like I”m some amazing seducer (which I know I”m not).

I learned this has already been a thing called #NoFap and these guys have tons of stories about their manhood returning after cutting porn out of their lives (I conflate masturbating and porn because the two have become inseparable). A NoFapper told me that he and his wife finally had twins after spending a fortune on fertility drugs. He cut porn out after the twins were born and they had their third child almost immediately. I realize this sounds idiotic to old Christians, but when you”re raised in an anything-goes culture, basic restraint becomes some kind of revolutionary idea. You have to rediscover what old fogies have been telling us since we were kids. You don”t get hairy palms when you masturbate too much, but you do get dumped. Conversely, directing this energy at actual women instead of pixels makes you more human. A married friend told me the pressure cooker of not masturbating leaves him no choice but to constantly “rape” his wife (he was being hyperbolic). She later told me he’s become so adamant about it, she has to delete her cookies after being on the computer.

Sex is the most important part of any marriage. Every time I hear a guy complaining about his spouse, I ask him when they last had sex and the number is always alarming. She’s not going to be nagging you about leaving your socks on the floor if you just pounded her into oblivion. Once sex is taken care of, all the other gripes vanish like dust in the wind.