When I was about to read Exodus, I can’t help but to be curious of the other remaining books especially the New Testament. So, I decided that while I’m on my journey reading through my own Bible, I’d listen to the preaching of the preachers on the things I knew I’ve been missing. I’ve thought of expediting the process and this is just a great way of doing it.

At work, at lunch time, I’d listen to a preaching for almost an hour. Sometimes if it’s not an audio file, I would read it in a text format. And at night, I would continue reading my Bible. This was the daily routine I’ve learned to accept as part of my everyday tasks. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. I know I’m not acting of myself lately and I’m really confused already. I know if I would only follow my heart, I won’t be wasting my time on this nonsense. I knew I already have the belief that the Bible indeed is from God, but my brain just couldn’t accept it. I know there’s no way I’m going to accept it. And every time it’ll come up in my mind, I’d be anxious, confused. I’m not trying to tell this to anyone even to my wife because she too would definitely be confused.

A month more, I am already a secretly full-blown believer but with a lot of questions. I still have a hold of the Atheist side of me. My wife is still an Atheist and I’m not sharing it to her yet. I am still confused and I don’t have the confidence to tell her. I know she’d just laugh at it and ignore the matter, and that is something I don’t want to happen. I fear that she would just reject the idea. I fear that I might just produce aloofness in our relationship.

I’m still listening and reading the Bible scholars’ works and eventually have come across “The Doctrine of Salvation.” This is the very turning point of my life. This particular event had a polarizing effect on me. This is when I got confirmation of my faith and felt God’s undying love for me. There are particular verses where great truths came off from it that I literally burst with joy and worship and praise. It made me absolutely ecstatic that I poured out praise and worship to God. Let me give you just a handful of some of these verses and also explaining how I went through them.

In 2 Thessalonians 2:13, the apostle Paul says "God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation."

At first, when I heard this, it does not have any weight on me. It tells me something I vaguely understand but mystically I knew I got a little grasp of a hint.

Then, In Ephesians 1:4-5,11 we read "Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will ... also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will."

This particular text tells me that I was predestined but this still does not make sense to me. It really just does not make sense. What is he talking about? I'm trying to understand what Paul really is saying here and I'm captivated by the thought of it so I carried on searching for more knowledge and discernment of His words.

In Ephesians 2:1-3 we read "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience — among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind."

The first phrase in these verses caught my attention. It talks about me being dead. I am dead in trespasses and sins. I have learned that the Apostle Paul was talking about the deadness of my spiritual life. I was spiritually dead and that there is no way a dead person can respond. A dead man can never by himself respond unless he was made alive again. At this point, I became frightened because a sinner can never have salvation if he is spiritually dead in sin. It seemed impossible. Yet, at that time of hearing this, I admittedly believed it is so.

In Romans 6:23, we read "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

There is salvation. Salvation comes in Christ our Lord but a spiritually dead man will just ignore Christ and will never and can never respond. I know this is true. I know I will not respond. As a convinced Atheist, I really knew I could have never responded. I’m totally confused at this point. There was a part of me that believes and a part that don’t, but the part that does dominate. I can feel God’s presence in me yet my mind tells me “No, you don’t!”

Then, I was shocked by what the Apostle Paul had said in Ephesians 2:8 "For by grace you have been saved through faith. AND THIS IS NOT YOUR OWN DOING; it is the gift of God," I was even more shocked by what our Lord Jesus Christ had said in John 6:44 "No one can come to me UNLESS THE FATHER WHO SENT ME DRAWS HIM. And I will raise him up on the last day."

The man inside me fell on his knees and knelt out of tremendous unspeakable emotion. An emotion I don't know what is. I was broken into pieces. I was like a paper being torn apart. I cried inside. Inside, I was shouting, screaming though not having any words to say. I wept. Oh, I wept all day. I'd sneak in the bathroom just to cry it out. The Lord's words "unless the Father draws him" just kept on reiterating on my mind and it kept on piercing my heart. Oh those words were real; they were so real to me. I knew I didn't play any part acquiring my faith. I knew myself and I knew I could have never responded to God in any way. And yet, I did. But How? By the grace of God. He’s given me faith, a gift I cannot resist even if I wanted to. It’s a gift given that required nothing from me.

While in the car driving, I'm still crying and kept on asking Him "Why me? Why choose me? Why me, Lord? Why me?" My chest was tight. My throat was in pain while I swallow my inner tears. I was hammering my chest to help me breathe. I knew I didn't deserve it. I didn’t deserve the grace granted upon me. He led me up to this stage and I played no part in it for it was all done outside of my will and desire. I carried this struggle the whole day, and the whole week. I couldn’t believe how gracious God is. It’s unbelievable.

That was the very first time I understood the word “Repentance.” The once apathetic word has now flourished and bloomed into its true meaning. I was born again in spirit. All those previous verses that I vaguely understood now make complete sense, and the more I read them, the more I become stronger in faith. I felt God’s love, the undeserved love, the undying love. Oh how great the message of salvation is. It can truly change lives and transform people into new beings.

These verses I’ve given here may not be easily understood and would seem unfair to some, but for someone who had just experienced the very words uttered by the Lord, he would burst into tears rejoicing in tremendous gratitude in an inexplicable way. If you’ve been a believer all your life, then this could still be ambiguous to you because the Father will have no need of drawing you from unbelief, you’ve already been drawn from the start. You haven’t experienced the process. And if you’re a non-believer, this equally won’t make sense because you still haven’t experienced being drawn by the Father. This will be a difficult thing to grasp, I know. This is more than a psychological process. You have to be drawn by the spirit to have complete discernment.

This is the most humbling experience of my life. I was humbled by God. He tamed the lion to become a sheep and cleansed it until there was no longer any blemish. He changed me from a self-righteous man to a penitent sinner.

Ever since my conversion, it has always been my greatest prayer to God to save my wife, my whole household. And indeed, God has blessed my whole family with His grace and together we’re so thankful about it. Truly, our God is great and He has great plans for us. My wife is very willing to support me serving the Lord. I have not imagined that all this would be possible. I am very fortunate.

Believe me brothers and sisters when I say that no matter how Atheistic you are, if God had drawn you to Him, you will be.

I continued on studying the word of God and I don’t know if this thirst will ever be quenched. I don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied.



