FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT

In a nod to the 2020 equivalent of landed gentry, forklift operator Damien Cummins has updated his Tinder bio to include ‘Essential Worker’ after somehow managing to stay employed during the COVID-19 semi-shutdown.

“It’s just to let the ladies know I’m a cut above those non-essentials of the lower class”, explained Damien, as he carefully packed a burr-walnut pipe with mostly tobacco.

“After all, what they need is someone who can provide for them, virus or no virus. I just needed to get the message out, hence the bio update, and this monocle”.

Damien’s workmates are also not sure what to make of their newly reinvented colleague, who recently covered his locker in fake woodgrain and installed a shiny brass knob.

“I say to him, why you bring lunch in attaché case?” says co-worker Lee

“But he just say it’s called a valise and then he says good day to you sir”.

However, Damien’s boss is less than impressed with the new attitude, as well as Damien’s new habit of parking his recently-purchased 1995 Jaguar on the lawn instead of in the car park.

“Damien? Is he that dickhead who wears a top hat instead of a hard hat? Yeah, I’m going to need to speak to him after his shift is over. And get Leslie to turn off his access card”.