Opinions of Saturday, 20 November 2010

Columnist: Lola

Alimony, Child Support, Ghanaian Men And Their Sons

Hakeem, a close friend, achieved another academic milestone over the summer. Hakeem thus decided to have a two-day party: festivities would start on a Saturday night at a rented venue, and continue the next day at Hakeem’s home. I joined the Sunday portion of events for I suspected the crowd would be smaller and calmer. As expected, only a few people attended – among them some familiar faces. We cordially debated an array of issues, but when it came to “battle of the sexes,” the debate grew extremely heated.



One incensed man railed against African ladies in the West for the exodus of African men to the Motherland. “If a man decides to return to his native land, how is a woman the culprit?” I queried. The incensed man retorted: “It’s their fault! They manipulate Family Courts to siphon every penny our brothers work for.” “Well, the courts obviously had probable cause to rule in the women’s favor. It is not as if judges grant women child and spousal support after the latter simply stomp their feet and demand for it,” I defended.



One Fanti man – whose sweet voice has since been emblazoned in my memory – pleaded softly: “Lady, me pa wo ky3w d33, ma defend w)n ae,” to wit, “Lady, please do not defend them.” His gentle voice continued: “Since I was a boy in Ghana, anyone who knows me will tell you that I, Ekow, hardly ever speak. But since migrating to America, Ghanaian women in this country have rendered me a talkative. Not only am I currently paying child support for two kids but also alimony for their mom. Like others, I, too, can move back home but I cannot bear the thought of being away from my children.”



The manner in which Ekow spoke somehow made it impossible to argue with him, but I had to ask a few questions. “When your former wife became a mother, did she resign from her job to be a stay-at-home mom? If she did, then, it stands to reason that she would need alimony after the marriage disintegrated,” I added. “My ex-wife worked after she gave birth; her mother – God bless her – came from Ghana to help us,” Ekow explained. “I see. Well, after you parted ways, did you willfully provide financial support to your tykes or did their mother have to constantly ask you to do so?” I queried further.



A hush fell over Hakeem’s home as all who were gathered waited for Ekow’s gentle voice to answer the query, which soon came: “I was abandoned by my father at a very young age. So I vowed that when and if I became a dad myself, I would put forth every effort to cater to my children. For, I did not want my offspring to experience the kind of bitterness I felt about my father that nearly consumed me as a boy. So, no, I never had to be asked to do what every good father should do. If anything, I willingly over-indulged my children.”



The incensed man, who had been silent all this while, interrupted: “You see how these so-called virtuous African women are destroying good men in this country?” Ekow agreed and continued: “Prior to my ex-wife filing for separation, she sent her mom back to Ghana and quit her job. I sincerely believe her purpose was to use the Family Court system to render me a pauper in America! In short, her actions were out of spite! I have conducted introspections to determine how I wronged her during our five-year union that makes her loathe me so, but my conscience is clear. I did nothing but love that woman!” Ekow completely “disarmed” me with his story! How does one argue with this provider? How can one justify his ex-wife’s antics? In a debate that indicted women, I, Lola, for once, was rendered mute! Conversely, the incensed man – as though the collective heads of African women had been handed to him on a silver platter – resumed his tirade. Other men joined in for they had either been subjected to an ordeal similar to Ekow’s or they knew other men who had. Every now and then, two out of the four ladies at the event chimed in to defend the Sisterhood, but their voices were quickly drowned out.



The men’s fury was worrisome! Silently watching passions run high among them in Hakeem’s home was reminiscent of how I used to watch my father and his friends argue. Except their debates normally centered on chieftaincy, politics and inanities. My father and his peers mentioned women only to highlight the latter’s love of money – but even that was said with joviality. Sadly, it seems African men of this era can speak of their counterparts only with utter contempt! I’d like to ask the ladies how it can be remedied?



After what seemed like eternity, the men appeared to have gotten their pound of flesh and so simmered. Discussions slowly turned to other matters and civility was soon restored. Shortly after, as dusk neared, I bid adieu to Hakeem and his guests. On my way home and during the ensuing days, I brainstormed over how the Sisterhood could’ve been defended when it was under attack. Alas I came up empty! I relayed to a long time friend, Kessie, what had occurred in Hakeem’s home days earlier, and how troubling it was that his fellow men exhibited such disdain for African women by summoning fire and brimstone on the latter!



Kessie chuckled and stated: “If that bothered you, then you might not want to attend the Labor Day weekend barbeque I invited you to.” “Why wouldn’t I want to attend?” I asked with concern. ”I told you it is a going-away barbeque for an acquaintance, Mr. Adu. But what I did not tell you is Mr. Adu’s story,” Kessie elaborated. I found myself thinking: “Please, I cannot handle any more ‘African women are evil’ stories.” Nonetheless, I sighed and braced myself.



Per Kessie, Mr. Adu came to America to attend a higher-learning institution in the ‘80s. Through hard work, Mr. Adu built a decent life for himself. He had dated non-African ladies but when he was ready to enter into nuptials, Mr. Adu preferred a woman from the Motherland. Fifteen years and three kids later, Mr. Adu now sleeps in a friend’s guest room while his ex-wife lives in the home he spent decades worth of salary to pay for. The man had intended to retire in a few years, sell the house, and move back to his native land.



However, after the trauma Mr. Adu’s former wife has subjected him to – i.e. charges of spousal rape which were later dropped, divorce, child support, etc. – Mr. Adu is returning home earlier than planned, lest he meets premature death in a stranger’s land. By the time Kessie concluded Mr. Adu’s story, my eyes had welled up. I decided it was best to not attend the going-away event for I knew there would be, understandably, more bashing of African/Ghanaian women, as Kessie alluded to.



I do not want to appear sanctimonious – for I have my own “sins” to contend with – but I feel I must “preach.” While I hold the view that a woman does not have to be married in order to bring forth life, we cannot deny the importance of a father in a child’s life. Statistics indicate that most black men who are imprisoned lacked a father’s guidance during their formative years. Black boys in the West have enough obstacles to overcome, so we should not create unnecessary hurdles for them by driving away their fathers. Family Court is to resolve familial issues – it is not a tool for vindictive women to use to seek revenge!



Not long ago we learned that Ghanaian women hide their earnings all the while devouring their men’s salaries, and now this matter. There may not exist empirical data to support the cruel nature of some Ghanaian women, but as conventional wisdom tells us, there is never smoke without fire – all these men cannot be lying. It is becoming extremely difficult to defend the aforesaid women! I do not have memories of African/Ghanaian women being vicious in nature. So, I ask you: What has possessed Ghanaian women in the West? And what do we do to exorcise this behavior among our women?



Lola, Washington, DC





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