“Democrats want to use the exact same rules used during the Clinton impeachment trial. Same ones, yeah. In other words, they want it simulcast on Pornhub.” — CONAN O’BRIEN

“Meanwhile, one senator claims they’re only allowed to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. The only other place you’ll see water and milk is in Mike Pence’s beer helmet.” — JIMMY FALLON

“The debate over the rules got off to a pretty bad start when Trump’s legal team opened with no take-backs, finders keepers, and — the president is adamant about this — whoever smelt it dealt it.” — JAMES CORDEN

“Each day of the impeachment trial will begin with the proclamation, ‘All persons are commanded to keep silent on pain of imprisonment.’ Senators heard that and were like, ‘We’re spending eight hours a day with Ted Cruz — how much worse could prison be?’” — JIMMY FALLON

“After each side presents its case, senators then get to ask 16 hours of questions. Sixteen hours of questions — they’re gonna feel like every husband who comes home late with glitter on his suit. Sixteen hours of questions — that’s like your dad getting a new phone at Sprint. Sixteen hours questions — that’s like every Uber driver I’ve ever had. Sixteen hours of questions — it’s like you just told Planet Fitness you want to cancel your gym membership.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Senators have to remain silent and they can’t use their phones. Meanwhile, Trump will be screaming at the TV while tweeting from the toilet.” — JIMMY FALLON

“The senators are also not allowed to speak to each other, so they have to pass notes. And they’re only allowed to drink water or milk. The same rules I have for my 5- and 2-year-old children.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Yeah, or as Mitt Romney calls that, a full bar.” — CONAN O’BRIEN