As the days grow longer, the unslamming shut of the transfer window draws ever nearer. As such, Zlatan Ibrahimovic is already seeking attention in its regard, suggesting that when that time comes, he will once again be on the glacial saunter – apparently, he plans to bestow his magnificence upon the theMLS. Should that come to pass, José Mourinho would like to replace him with Robert Lewandowski, squashing the inspirational, youthful exuberance of Marcus Rashford into the bargain. Lewandowski, though, will not entertain United unless they qualify for the Champions League.

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On the other hand, James Rodríguez has already decided he’d like to join the club. This is no great surprise, given Mourinho’s lifelong love for good-time tricksters since arriving in Manchester last year. Real Madrid would like any deal to include David de Gea, whose form this season has brought much needed levity to a game in danger of becoming too serious; should he leave in the straight cash deal, the fee will be £66m, because £65m just doesn’t cover it.



Mourinho has also been busy on the telephone – it’s nice to know that some people still respect tradition – ringing Alexis Sánchez to ask if he fancies spending next season understudying Marouane Fellaini, while being generally disparaged, demeaned and undermined. The next step is for the two to secretly rendezvous at Corby services, where terms will be discussed over a few pints of mild and succession of Capstans.



But Mourinho is not the only man with such intention. Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain are also keen – Sánchez is doubtless taken with the romance of both – but his most likely destination could be Hull, where Humber will feel most at home.

In any event, Arsène Wenger remains sanguine. “We are professional football people, our job is to perform as long as we are somewhere,” he said. “I don’t understand this anxiety, one and a half years before the end of a contract. It’s absolutely denying what a professional guy is about.” These sentiments were later echoed by Marc Overmars, Emmanuel Petit, Patrick Vieira, Thierry Henry, Alex Hleb, Samir Nasri, Cesc Fàbregas and Robin van Persie.

Either way, Chelsea plan to sign another striker. Antonio Conte, the man behind their title charge, would like it to be Álvaro Morata, but Michael Emenalo, the man behind his own friendship with Avram Grant, prefers Romelu Lukaku. Naturally, a deal for the latter is said to already be done.

Conte would also like to strengthen his defence, and hopes that Sead Kolasinac, a left-back, will join from sister club, Schalke. Out of contract at the end of the season, the player has apparently been offered £100,000 a week by Everton who, new owner or not, still appear to living in good old 1995, while Liverpool, Manchester City, Juventus, Milan, Roma, and anyone else anyone else can be bothered to make up, are also monitoring the situation.

But the left-back Pep Guardiola would really like is Danny Rose, his perceptive genius having spotted that he and Kyle Walker are both quite good – so too Spurs’ Brazilian-Italian, Delealli. Believing English football to be on the cusp of “another” “golden generation”, Guardiola has instructed his board to prioritise “homegrown signings” – once they have completed their other oxymoronic activities.

And finally, it appears that Jürgen Klopp has had enough of forcing a square man into a round hole, so is seeking a left-back to replace James Milner. First choice is Theo Hernández of Atlético Madrid, and though Real Madrid, European champions and Spanish champions-elect, are also interested, they underestimate the lure of Nivea Men at their peril.