The 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

Sure? Guys listen. I have something to say about the Emmys. In fact, bring the kids in too, they need to hear this. Basically, the Emmys are going to happen every year whether we like it or not, but here's the catch: We won't ever like them or not. The Emmys will always be less than medium entertaining and even less than medium important. So calibrated to the dividing line between valuable and worthless, the Emmys will always simply exist, in a sort of garish zen state or whatever. Do you see what I'm saying? Yes, the Emmys are a trophy ceremony for millionaires and their expensive commoditized artwork, and yes it is 85% boring and maybe 2% memorable. But it is also a thing that millions of people watch, and anything that garners that much attention, no matter how disinterested or actively put-off its viewers are, has value.

In this year's case, tons of deserving shows and actors won, and some important social awareness stuff went down. Hard to argue with that! Also, Andy Samberg wasn't horrible. He was not horrible! He was fine. And I would venture that somewhere between five and 12 of our favorite TV people appeared throughout the broadcast, so that was probably a thrill for each one of us. That being said, let's proceed to dissect last night's sporadically interesting 3-hour ordeal like a troubled child discovering a candy-filled corpse on the back lawn! Gruesome and unnecessary but anything for a Starburst, you know?

[Note: For a full run-down of winners with actual smart-person analysis, click here!]

The question wasn't "Would Andy Samberg sing a joke song intended to go immediately viral," it was "How many joke songs intended to go viral would Andy Samberg sing?" In this case the surprising answer was "Only two!" But credit where credit's due, this opening musical number made me chuckle at least twice, perhaps even thrice at its conceit of Andy Samberg locking himself in a bomb shelter to watch every TV show, only to re-emerge smelling like actual human sh*t.

Plus it was packed with fun cameos, like a gagging Jon Hamm, a gagging Kerry Washington, and a turtleneck-wearing Billy Eichner as Andy Samberg's grown son.

I especially loved when the song took a turn for the Les Miz, when Will Forte arrived to sing the part of Javert before jumping off a bridge.

Side note: All night his Last Man on Earth Beard was BACK in a big way and I am now very excited for Season 2.

So in general I would say that I am not a fan of Andy Samberg's I know I know. I get why he is popular, but ever since his days on SNL he's trafficked in bro humor that is just not for me. That, mixed with a historically off-putting level of smarm and a mouth that could perhaps at any moment unhinge and swallow a human head whole, Andy Samberg has never been my fave. But a lot of people I like like him, that is undeniable. And to be honest? This Emmys may have finally been the turning point for me? I maybe even ENJOY Andy Samberg now? To be fair, a lot of this show was written by the minds behind Comedy Bang Bang, which is a wonderful comedy show, and the gentle weirdness on display here, while being frequently raunchy or off-color, was less alienating than I usually expect from Andy Samberg. He was poised and handsome and brought a youthful elegance and I can't believe I'm even typing this. Long story short: I GET IT NOW I GUESS.

Anyway, his opening monologue contained a bunch of fun little items. Like, when he warned speech-givers to not go too long lest the Shame Nun from Game of Thrones ring them offstage. (Jane Lynch was funny in this bit, but the nun costume should have been grey and brown!!) Also I enjoyed when he and Amy Poehler pretended to have beef:

Overall, Andy Samberg's monologue consisted of the usual amount of topical jokes and kinda-but-not-really obscure bro references (Back to the Future II! Taxi the movie!), with the usual amount of courtesy laughter. Everyone was in a great mood!

I loved when two of the funniest people alive named Amy took the stage together (set to a live orchestral version of the Inside Amy Schumer theme song, which was truly a nightmare for the ears) and got all primped and prepped by makeup artists on the way up. Poehler even returned the favor to one of the makeup guys. Schumer later cracked a joke about what a special night it was for women, and how she couldn't wait for all the critics to decide who looked the worst. I love these humans, they cracked me up. I also enjoyed this particular reaction shot:

Transparent's Gaby Hoffman also made a very good face when she was named as a nominee.

But in a very crowded field of stellar comedic actresses (including Niecy Nash, Kate MacKinnon, and Jane Krakowski), the supporting actress in a comedy Emmy went to Allison Janney, who is indisputably wonderful. I haven't seen Mom even once and may never in my lifetime ever watch it, but fair enough! Allison Janney is great.

I'm not sure Anthony Anderson's joke about streaming online TV shows called "porn...landia" landed very well, and Diana Ross' daughter wasn't able to save things either. Next year?

At this point Veep started winning tons of things, this one was for writing or directing probably. One of the things these British fellas seemed most grateful about was the fact that they were being paid "American money." Congratulations? It might not be well-designed from a graphic design standpoint, but you can use it in most bars in Ensenada.

I guess I enjoyed Ricky Gervais' bit about how it's more important to be photographed holding an Emmy than it is to win one, but it also made me nostalgic for the days when I liked Ricky Gervais' work. I am not personally averse to Ricky Gervais' mean-spirited awards hosting habits, but I haven't enjoyed any of his TV shows since, uh, Life's Too Short? I just think he should maybe get away from playing developmentally disabled people or making shows where he dicks over his naive friends? That being said, this bit was fine, I laughed. Quietly. To myself. For a sec.

Tony Hale won an Emmy for Veep! This was great news, spread the word. Tony Hale deserves it.

Not sure who these people were, just kidding. One of them is Jane the Virgin and the other is Scott Baio. They looked great.

God, Joan Cusack is incredible. So is Bradley Whitford. They both won for guest appearances, but that was a few nights earlier so now they were here to present for directing.

For both the comedy writing and comedy directing categories, the nominees submitted short videos about their craft. People like Louis C.K. made earnest, sincere clips on their cell phones while others were more staged and glossy. But I liked Mike Judge's, whose advice for future directors was to immediately quit and become welders because Hollywood is the worst. Also his office had such a nice vibe to it, don't you think? Anyway, he did not win, because Jill Soloway won!

You and I both know that Transparent is wonderful, so we can leave it at that. But she did have a good point about how we need to pass the Equality Act to protect transgender citizens. Bingo. Agreed. Let's do that, everyone come on.

Next: More awards!