THE government is preparing the UK for Brexit by putting helpful advice written by a 19-year-old Whitehall intern on a website. Try these tips:

Carry your blue passport at all times. Anyone with an older, burgundy passport is suspect. Also anyone using a passport to travel to foreign countries rather than simply brandishing it as a badge of national pride is suspect.

Your commemorative Brexit 50p, bearing the statement ‘Peace, prosperity and friendship with all nations’ in a fine example of British irony, is the single tangible benefit you will receive from leaving the EU and should be treasured accordingly.

Anyone suspected of being foreign should be challenged, and British citizens who seem foreign and/or the wrong colour can be asked when they are leaving, which after October 31st is officially not racist.

Our new US-style healthcare system, in that it will be owned and run by the US, will stop penalising people who have never been ill, had children or had ill relatives at any point in their lives. It will be fairer and 2,400 per cent more expensive.

Buy a balaclava. It will be vital in stopping the army identifying you during civil disorder and will keep you warm when you can no longer afford to heat your house.