TORONTO – After suggesting that he would cut the federally funded CBC, Ontario PC Leader Doug Ford has also made some bold pledges including a reduction in UN spending, granting independence to a variety of sovereignty movements in Europe and the Middle East, and ardently defending someone’s right to bear arms.

“We will find funding for our province through oil exploration in Alaska’s Wildlife Refuges,” explained Ford. “And we’re giving too much to UNESCO, so we need to cut that immediately.”

Ford says that his platform outlines how space exploration will put the Ontario government’s budget back into the black, while offering a sizable tax cut for residents without cutting any services.

“The second colony on Mars will pay off for Ontario with the amount of dark matter that will be harvested,” added Ford.

At press time, the former Toronto city councillor was informed that an Ontario Premier had no jurisdiction over the fictitious Galactic credit standard from Star Wars.

With files from PJ Taylor