England secure place for disappointing exit from Russia 2018

With an unconvincing 1-0 win over Slovenia, the England football team have secured their berth to crash disappointingly out of the World Cup in Russia next year.

Manager Gareth Southgate said, “We’re over the moon to have booked our place for an early return home next summer – and with a game in hand too!”

Plans are already under way for the tournament, with Southgate laying out their tactics to ensure the most disappointing exit possible: “We’re going to start off losing our first group game. That’ll give us a solid base to ensure a disappointing exit.

“So many teams win their first game, which makes a disappointing exit that much harder.

“Then we’re going to put in a blinding performance where we win convincingly, stringing passes together like we’ve got 11 Johan Cruyffs on the team, and get the whole nation’s hopes up that finally, finally, after 52 years of hurt this is the golden generation for whom it’s all going to come together.

“Then we’re going to follow that grinding out a stultifying draw that makes you lose the will to live watching it, but where we do just enough to make it to the last 16.

“Then, obviously, we’re going to crash out to the first decent side we face, who will totally show up the poverty of our ideas, skills, talents and entire worth as a nation.

“We’ll then return home in disgrace, ready for the qualifiers to ensure a disappointing exit from Euro 2020.”