Name: Gavin Ritchie

Age: 45

Lives: Sydney

Turning point: My parents separating when I was 10 months old

After housing costs has to live on: $306 a week

So the silly season has been and gone but I still feel basically silly. My mind is all over the place and I am finding it extremely difficult to focus. But new year means new attitude, if only I can pull myself together. I told my psychologist five years ago that I wasn’t going to try anymore, try to improve my standing in any way. Now I have decided to start trying again and it’s much harder than I thought it would be.

Life on the breadline: 'Helping others might not be easy, but it's rewarding' | Mick Smart Read more

In 2011 I was diagnosed with a chronic condition and lately I have not been coping – it has attacked my brain, which is not cool as I feel it may be the only thing I have going for me. I had read in articles about how it can have a detrimental effect on the mental health of sufferers and I thought that wouldn’t be a problem for me. How wrong I was. The simplest of tasks have become backbreaking struggles that weigh heavily on my heart and mind. The results of my last neuro-psychological assessment suggested that I have above average intellect. That’s nice but to my mind it amounts to nothing much. If I’m so intelligent, where’s my job, where’s my house, where’s my partner, where’s my overseas trip?

Writing these articles has helped me somewhat. It has given me a purpose and reason for being. I now know that I can start something and finish it successfully. I will be lost when I write my last article. The feedback I have been receiving has been mostly positive and anything negative I give the flick. This article being my third has been a bit more difficult to compose because I am now conscious of an audience. I try not to let it worry me, but worry always finds a way with me. I am my own worst critic and I don’t let myself off easily.

With the effect the condition has had on my brain, I have found that in many circumstances I feel like I am relearning what I already know and formulating new ways to get the result I am after. Things that used to be simple are now really difficult. I guess I’m like a baby learning all the way. I’m extremely thankful for small mercies, tiny victories. Some days I wake up feeling like I can rule the world. On other days it’s all I can do to close my eyes again.

Being on the disability pension is a double-edged sword. It gives me the financial ability to live a relatively normal life but it is tinged by stigma. People automatically assume that I am on the pension because I have some kind of retardation. Disability can come in many different forms, be it mental, physical or psychiatric. The able always seem to look down on or pity people with a disability. This attitude is wrong and completely unnecessary. Many people on the disability pension have active, working minds and are able to do many things. We just need a little assistance at times. This is not helped by feeling that we have to hide our reality. I have always been very open and honest about my shortcomings but it still hurts to encounter such a backward view of myself and people in my situation.

For example, if my friends ask me how I survive and I tell them I’m on the disability pension, they say, what, are you spastic? I just say disabilities come in lots of different formats. It’s terrible. Even when I was applying for the disability pension, the woman was really giving me the third degree, and I said, look, it’s not a badge of honour, you know. I don’t really want to be on the disability pension, it makes me feel old. I’m only 45. But each day I just pick myself up and continue to live as best I can.

This year it is my intention to study to become a pilates instructor but I am not getting a good start. Self-doubt invades my mind constantly and I have to fight to remain positive and up about my goals. Being a professionally trained dancer I know that I can do it but there is always that voice saying “no you can’t”. It is a personal internal struggle constantly going on in my head. I have learned over the last seven years I am stronger than I actually think I am. I won’t let my self-doubt or the doubting of others interfere with my personal goals. I believe I can and I will.