I’m from a small town. Other environments are peculiar to me. I’m intrigued by nature and confused by metropolis. In metropolis, I just take one look at people and try to figure them out; just like a simple math problem. I’ve been working in center city Philadelphia for a couple years (four or five days each), and I’m pretty sure that I have this city, and it’s people figured out.

They yell at each other in traffic situations loudly, some from the sidewalks- all while smiling. There are no threats of ass kicking or guns pulled due to blocked streets. They throw their hands in the air and walk away smiling after yelling, only to take three steps back to the public argument for a loud rebuttal.

Bus drivers are training for some sort of race. They slow down for narrow passes, only to gain time through the area on the next lap. Only a roaring bus can drown the sound of smiling, arguing pedestrians.

At precisely 10:00 every morning, the streets of the city are filled with an aroma of food being prepared. The first thing that I notice is onion and a generic whiff of grilling. The smell makes me wish I could go on a mini tour of the town to taste everything it has to offer, but I am financially and schedule wise: here in town to prepare and pour concrete. Go ahead, buddy…have yourself a peanut butter and jelly and a V8.

All leashed dogs are pulling from masters, and dreaming to be somewhere other than here. The dog’s misery is infused with morning shit walks to corner dog parks and barking communications from fellow canine from windows. They sniff the concrete walks for dirt to dig or sticks to chew. The lifelong anxiety naturally causes short life spans for all city dogs.

Very few cars have loud, bass pumping stereos. I’m not sure why this is, but the ratio compared to my home metropolis of Lancaster, PA is insanely unbalanced. Maybe it’s no longer considered ‘cool’ to roam the streets of the city with shitty cars and immaculate stereos. In which case, maybe Lancaster is severely behind the times.

I wouldn’t want to do it, but I believe I could make a fit in this town. The first thing I would do is shave my beard, because only homeless people wear beards in Philadelphia. Yes, this is a generalization, but I’m talking about large, nest-like beards. Some failing musicians and coffee shop mongers sport facial hair in the shape of a beard, but they are well kept and are mostly used to cover the embarrassment of the late twenties mini double chin that so many are becoming plagued with. Their ‘beards’ make them sort of fuzzy and cute. The men of Philadelphia can use all the help they can get with their looks. None are naturally handsome or beautiful. -Yes that is sad, but it is just a clear and present fact that I have discovered in my humble study of this city.

Besides immediately husking my beard, one of the first things I would do upon moving to the city is:

I would buy an ugly jacket that is two sizes too small for me, and when I’m not walking around with my elbows in the air, uncomfortably keeping my hands in the pockets of this stupid jacket, I’d be riding a vintage ten speed bicycle across town, wearing ugly glasses. I’d be pale and skinny and become cooler than most people I ever knew. All of my friends would be hipster know-it-all’s with girlfriends who are way too good looking for them. -Another fact about Philly is that: the women are better looking than the men. Yes, yes yes…it’s sad but it’s a damn fact. And it’s actually kind of unfair to the genes of possibly to-be-born humans who will no doubt have something very beautiful and something ugly about them at the same time. Unfair? Well, maybe they’ll just be true Philadelphians.

Yes. I am aware that this is a very unfair description of a town that I really don’t know anything about, or it’s people. I may start giving very large generalizations about other areas. Next stop:

York.

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