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When Paul Ryan and his congressional clown car of alleged conservatives surprised us by just sort of dropping Obamacare Jr. on us, I wasn’t surprised to see them trip all over their Guccis during the utterly inept roll out. These nimrods couldn’t effectively communicate to Elizabeth Warren with smoke signals. But even I was shocked at how transcendently crappy their proposed Obamacare replacement is. Let me put it this way: the only thing that steaming pile of failure would be good for is as the key prop in a very specialized, niche German porno film.

Seriously, how many times do we have to tell you? Obamacare must die. Kill it dead – with fire!

When are you going to get it through your wonk spheres that we don’t want a government-led health care system that leaves the people who infest D.C. in charge? We don’t need a “plan” because 85 percent of us already have a plan – it’s called “Taking responsibility for supporting ourselves and our families like damn adults.”

Yeah, we really mean it when we say we want Obamacare gone. DOA. Kaput. Call it over to the mob boss’s house under the pretense that it’s going to be made, then shoot it through the face so its mother can’t give it an open coffin at the funeral.

Are you feelin’ us now?

Instead of what we want and what you have been promising us, we get handed this Technicolor yawn of complex rules, regulations and handouts that ends up with those of us who take responsibility for ourselves once again getting stuck with the bill for the freeloaders who won’t. You babble about “empowerment,” but you people are still in the driver's seat. It doesn’t let us choose what our insurance covers. It doesn’t let us buy across state lines. It doesn’t even have a price tag attached – apparently we have to pass it to find out what’s in it.

And Obamacare Jr. operates under the premise that if you don’t want to spend your money on health insurance, that’s A-OK. Somebody else – which means the GOP’s base, us – will pick up the tab for your irresponsibility. That’s a big problem. You central planners pretending to be conservatives have spent so long in your wonky cesspit of policy onanism that you have forgotten what must be the core, unchallenged principle behind any conservative policy.

Everybody needs to pay for his own stuff.

The whole stupid goal of your stupid fake Obamacare replacement is the same stupid goal of the stupid original – to ensure that nimrods who refuse to carry their weight never, ever have to accept the consequences of their choices.

“Want to save money by not buying health insurance when you’re feelin’ fine? Don’t worry! Those suckers who act like responsible adults will just pay more so that when you come down with a cold you can slide right onto a policy because we’ll ban discrimination based on preexisting conditions!” Except people with preexisting conditions – no, not including those moving between insurers when changing jobs – should totally be discriminated against because they didn’t buy health insurance!

Obamacare Jr. continues to conflate health insurance – which should hedge people against unexpected expenses – with routine health care, like check-ups and birth control, that people ought to pay for out of pocket. What you are proposing is not even insurance – you are proposing redistribution of our earnings, and we want it stopped.

Step One: Repeal Obamacare. Put a stake through its heart and leave its head on a pike. So maybe the Democrats won’t vote for a replacement. Good. They’re the party of trough-gorging welfare cheats, not us. It’s their constituents who want the free stuff – yours are the sheep these bums shear. No Obamacare replacement is their problem. See how long the Dems can play the obstruction game with their freeloading voters screaming “Gimme!”

Step Two: Stop trying to plan everything. We can do it ourselves. Lift the regulations and let us buy whatever coverage we want from whatever state we want. Operate under the general principle that every American adult is expected to pay for his own healthcare. Most importantly, stop trying to ameliorate the consequences of bad decisions. If you want to have fewer bad decisions, the very best way to achieve that lofty goal is to let bad things happen to stupid people.

Done. There’s your health care reform.

See, there’s not very much there because you shouldn’t be doing very much. The federal government should barely have anything to do with health care at all. I’ve reviewed the Constitution and checked behind every penumbra and emanation, and paying for other people’s abortions and Viagra just isn’t in there. Your catering to the takers is converting the United States of America from a great nation into a less-efficient Blue Cross with a shrinking army.

Do what you promised. We sent you to Washington to kill Obamacare. We want it dead. We don’t want a zombie sequel operating under the same flawed premises and using the same central planning approach that permanently enshrines yet another unaffordable entitlement. And yeah, I know President Trump is backing you (kinda, sorta, for now), but wasn’t our big problem with him that he was not a conservative ideologue? I don’t expect hardcore conservative solutions from him because, unlike you, he never sold himself to us as a hardcore conservative. You’re supposed to be the hardcore conservative ideologues, but instead you’re being softcore conservative idiots.

We’re serious, but you aren’t listening. You better. Because we’re all watching, and if you have to be ritually sacrificed on the primary ballot box we’re totally good with that. You are politically expendable, and you have one chance to do this right. You’re screwing it up. Remove your collective heads from your collective fourth point of contact – which is where I assume you pulled this plan from – and start doing what we damn well sent you to Washington to do.

This is the big one. Stop screwing up.