(Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Post)

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as you know, the real work of governmentin' gets done and where, when you ask for Suzette, you better say please make it crepe.

We begin this week in the home office of American sedition, where the news that John Roberts has declared the Day of Jubilee apparently has not yet arrived. A brief caution: this is not About Race because nothing ever is About Race.

It is one of a series of banners on lampposts commemorating various aspects of life at Fort Hill. Fort Hill is the name of the plantation that Clemson's founder inherited from his father-in-law, John C. Calhoun, and which sits in the middle of Clemson's campus. Thanks to the efforts of students and faculty, especially Susanna Ashton and Rhondda Thomas, the story of this historic property has changed to reflect a slightly less sanitized version of the inevitably painful and violent history of a plantation house in South Carolina. Among these efforts are banners like the one in the picture, marking and documenting the presence of African-Americans in the history of Fort Hill. Clemson has a long way to go to come to terms with its history, a history that is interwoven with the realities of slavery, racism, segregation and the violence that attend them, but these banners were a small, visible step in the right direction. This was the banner someone chose to deface this morning with a pair of bananas.

Isn't it time for these retrograde clowns to get some original material, at least? John C. developed an entire constitutional theory centered essentially on the same sentiment, but it was gussied up as constitutional law. It took some work to base your bigotry in Blackstone. His descendants can't do any better than this? I blame the video games.

It's only a short hop from there to Alabama, where a state legislator is making unto the Lord a joyful noise, so the rest of you can go to hell and burn in eternity.

WHEREAS, just as Jesus observed when he drew close to Jerusalem before His crucifixion and wept over the city that thought it knew of the things made for peace, it was now hidden from their eyes and just as high government officials often invoke the name of God, yet they tempt God by abandoning His truths; and WHEREAS, America must reaffirm her freedom and her faith; and BE IT RESOLVED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF ALABAMA, BOTH HOUSES THEREOF CONCURRING, That we urge America to reaffirm and protect its freedoms. BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the fifth day of May 24 2016 be set aside as a day of reflection by the citizens of the State of Alabama who will humble themselves and pray and seek God's face and turn from their wicked ways so that God will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land.

I feel so much better that the citizens of the great state of Alabama will be petitioning the Lord with prayer on my behalf. However, if Himself decides to ask them about all that lynching business, they're on their own.

As we move north to Pennsylvania, where they always seem to be having some trouble with local school boards, one town has decided to liven up the meetings by including a prime local crank.

The Gazette points out that each member of the board was given a file containing 15 racist, anti-Muslim and homophobic posts that Wright had written over the previous year. Despite the files containing screenshots of Wright stating, "I am officially against Muslims. We need to take a stand as Christians and Jews," she was approved by a 5-3 vote. In one particularly wide-ranging and noxious rant, Wright laid out her world view for all to see on Facebook. "I am fed up with the rainbows and and flags and 'I'm offended crap,'" she wrote. " Suck it up, buttercup. This is still America. We will tolerate you, for now." "You want to marry the same sex? Fine, marry a goat. I really don't care," she continued. "But when you start demanding we like what you do and have to cater to you, we are done with you." She concluded, "This is still America. We will tolerate your beliefs, but we will not become overcome with them. If you don't like it we can arrange passage to another country. And when you start dividing us and turning our children into zombie fairies, then we will not tolerate you anymore. We will fight you."

She seems ni…no, she seems like a noisy bigoted dipwad. Of course, she has an explanation, and it's less believable every time you read it.

According to Wright, public discussion of her Facebook rants were taken out of context and that she felt she was treated unfairly. "I did not deserve that … I am not the person they made me out to be," she said. "I have no hidden agendas, I have nothing to hide. Here I stand … All I want to do is make a difference in the school. I feel I can make a difference."

First, when did standing proudly on your bigotry become a measure of character—by which I mean, on the occasion of what campaign rally for He, Trump did this become a thing? And, two…WHAT POSSIBLE "CONTEXT" COULD THERE BE FOR THE ACCUSATION THAT PEOPLE ARE TURNING YOUR KIDS INTO ZOMBIE FAIRIES????!!!!! Can we have a year's moratorium on the phrase "taken out of context"? I realize that half the professional athletes in the world would have nothing to say, but that's something we can all live with, I think.

We slide on south again to the now consistently insane state of North Carolina, where things are still pretty roiled up over that whole transphobic bill. Now that the worm and the tide and everything else that can turn is turning against the bill, some of its greatest fans are watching tourist dollars go sailing out of the state in great flocks. This is making everyone nervous.

Yesterday evening, we inadvertently sent out a pledge request regarding H.B. 2, the Bathroom Privacy Act. We had considered providing a means, prior to the convening of the 2016 Legislative Session, by which we could continue to encourage North Carolina lawmakers to stay strong in your leadership defending the privacy and safety of all North Carolinians, and clarifying that there is no patchwork of confusing local laws in the state that are harmful to commerce, labor, and trade. However, we decided not to move forward with this pledge and respectfully ask that you disregard yesterday's e-mail. We apologize for any inconvenience or confusion this may have caused.

Embedded in this crawfishing are all the phony reasons concocted by the bill's sponsors to camouflage their real objectives. But, of course, they don't want to put their pet legislators on the spot of defending their principles. It is hard being a conservative these days.

We don't often backtrack, but there's more going on in Alabama than beseeching God not to send plagues of locusts. They are putting their prayers into action by attempting to abolish the constitutional right to choose completely. This sounds like a plan.

A co-sponsor of the bill, State Representative Jack W. Williams of Mobile, says the Personhood Amendment would allow Alabama voters to answer the question of whether or not life begins at conception through a referendum vote on the November ballot. If enacted as is, Williams says the bill will totally ban abortion at any time during pregnancy with no exceptions. He does expect amendments to be added to the bill to address situations of pregnancy resulting from rape or pregnancies that pose life-threatening complications for the mother.

Dear god, these people are cowards. He, Trump was right. Crimes are crimes.

Meanwhile, what say we all get to Texas before we start needing passports to get there.

This fall, the group tried to get 75,000 signatures to get a secession-related resolution on March's GOP primary ballot. It read: "If the federal government continues to disregard the constitution and the sovereignty of the State of Texas, the State of Texas should reassert its status as an independent nation." In December, the state party took matters into its own hands and voted down the idea. The movement doesn't even have "Republican" in its name, one state party official said. Another said he was "sorry we are even having the conversation." In return, the secessionists immediately laid the blame at the party's feet: They "are of the same mindset as the bureaucrats in Washington," the group said.

If it's 2016, and your party structure can't turn off entirely a movement in favor of secession, your party is a case for which there is no basket big enough. The Republican party, root and branch, has lost its mind. How this keeps eluding people is beyond me.

Of course, this is also a party that nurtures folks who don't feel like Missouri needs state parks anymore, but who also think the state needs to know the names and personal details of any woman who's had an abortion.

This year, Rep. Ross introduced a bill, HB 2187, that would require the state to sell 4,200 acres along the Eleven Point River already acquired for a new park using settlement funds from lead mining damages. The Eleven Point was one of the initial rivers designated in the National Wild and Scenic Rivers Act of 1968. The bill passed the House and has been voted "do pass" from a Senate committee. Rep. Ross is also proposing a constitutional amendment—HJR 101, already reported from committee—that would repeal the parks, soils and water sales tax and replace it with a new version that would require the Department of Natural Resources to pay property tax on all state parks acquired since 1985. This would create massive public confusion in a year in which the tax, on which the parks are utterly dependent for operations and maintenance, is up for renewal by voters statewide.

They hate taxes, except when taxes are useful in the attempt to destroy the things they really hate. Also…

Among the requested documents are all consent forms signed by patients as part of receiving abortion care or prior to being administered anesthesia since 2010. As the clinic is the only remaining abortion provider in the state, this would effectively give lawmakers the names of the bulk of the women in Missouri who've received abortions in recent years, other than a small number of procedures performed at hospitals. Crucially, the committee's document request makes no specifications about what would happen with the information after it is turned over, so there is no guarantee that the information could not be turned over to the public.

They love privacy, except when violating it is useful in the attempt to destroy the things they really hate. This is just logic.

And we conclude, as is our custom, in the great state of Oklahoma, where Blog Official Roadside Weed Inspector Friedman Of The Plains brings us the efforts of a number of his fellow Oklahomans to remodel the United States to conform better to the desires of the people in Texas that we referred to earlier.

Most of the arguing Monday involved conservative Republicans who lined up on both sides of the issue. Opponents warned that those favoring the convention were playing with fire, while proponents said it was the last hope of saving the country from bankruptcy. "This is an opportunity to ensure for the next generation a safe and secure republic," said Rep. Gary Banz, R-Midwest City, the resolution's House author.

I may just be an old fud, but I really thought there was a general consensus on the continued existence of the United States of America as designed in 1789 and as redesigned in 1865, and going forward. The modern constituency for the Articles of Confederation continues to baffle me.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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