White Friend Confessional

WHITE FRIEND: Forgive me, Designated Friend of Color, for I have sinned. It has been two Macklemore singles since my last white confession.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Go on.

WHITE FRIEND: I maybe did a racist thing.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Did you say the n-word during karaoke again?

WHITE FRIEND: No! I was definitely tempted to do “Formation” by Beyoncé but did “Single Ladies” instead.

FRIEND OF COLOR: That’s growth, I guess. What did you want to talk about then?

WHITE FRIEND: So, the other day I couldn’t tell the difference between two Asian women. But that’s not necessarily racist, right?

FRIEND OF COLOR: Who were the women?

WHITE FRIEND: Does it really matter?

FRIEND OF COLOR: Who were they?

WHITE FRIEND: I realized my mistake right after!

FRIEND OF COLOR: Who did you think you saw?

WHITE FRIEND: Constance Wu at Target.

FRIEND OF COLOR: We live in Topeka.

WHITE FRIEND: She could have been filming her show or something.

FRIEND OF COLOR: In Topeka? You know what, never mind. I was expecting it to be a lot worse.

WHITE FRIEND: Thank you. Also, that cashier looked just like her.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Are you talking about the cashier who’s in her mid-60s?

WHITE FRIEND: I don’t know. Don’t Asian people never age or something?

FRIEND OF COLOR: Explain the science on how that would work.

WHITE FRIEND: I’m joking. I’ve seen old Asian people before. They’re adorable. If I saw one holding a baby, I’d die from the cuteness.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Babies are cute. That’s basically their whole thing.

WHITE FRIEND: Especially Asian babies. Ugh, I wish I could have an Asian baby.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Was that all you wanted to tell me?

WHITE FRIEND: Oh and last month, I tweeted a joke about Trump’s disaster of a Black History Month speech.

FRIEND OF COLOR: And?

WHITE FRIEND: I spelled Frederick Douglass’ name wrong.

FRIEND OF COLOR: You forgot the second ‘s’?

WHITE FRIEND: And the second ‘e’.

FRIEND OF COLOR: The important part is you remembered what he did.

WHITE FRIEND: …

FRIEND OF COLOR: You had to google it, didn’t you?

WHITE FRIEND: I remembered immediately after I looked it up!

FRIEND OF COLOR: Your penance will be to read something by or about Frederick Douglass.

WHITE FRIEND: Does it count if I just retweet Ta-Nehisi Coates a couple times?

FRIEND OF COLOR: What? No.

WHITE FRIEND: But what if I quote tweet it and put #BlackLivesMatter?

FRIEND OF COLOR: You can do that too, I guess. But also, read something about Frederick Douglass.

WHITE FRIEND: Oh, I actually already did!

FRIEND OF COLOR: Was it a satirical piece about Frederick Douglass that was actually about Trump?

WHITE FRIEND: Maybe.

FRIEND OF COLOR: I guess that’s better than nothing.

WHITE FRIEND: Okay, good.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Anything else?

WHITE FRIEND: Wanna hear something so crazy?

FRIEND OF COLOR: I told you I don’t want to hear about the number of people who aren’t white you matched with on Tinder.

WHITE FRIEND: No, it’s not that. But I do swipe right on a lot of Black guys, and I even swiped right on a guy who’s Chinese yesterday.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Did his bio say he’s Chinese?

WHITE FRIEND: What?

FRIEND OF COLOR: Just tell me what you were going to say.

WHITE FRIEND: Someone asked me if I’m Hispanic the other day.

FRIEND OF COLOR: And?

WHITE FRIEND: That’s it. I just wanted to tell you. Isn’t that so crazy?

FRIEND OF COLOR: Why would that be crazy?

WHITE FRIEND: I don’t know. I thought you’d appreciate it.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Because?

WHITE FRIEND: Because you’re Hispanic?

FRIEND OF COLOR: …

WHITE FRIEND: Sorry, I mean Latina?

FRIEND OF COLOR: …

WHITE FRIEND: Half-Mexican?

FRIEND OF COLOR: I’m Filipino.

WHITE FRIEND: Oh my god, I’m so sorry. That was totally gonna be my next guess.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.

WHITE FRIEND: I feel so awful. I can’t believe I did that.

FRIEND OF COLOR: It’s okay. I’ve heard worse things.

WHITE FRIEND: Oh my god, that’s so true. You probably get stuff like that all the time.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Yeah, it’s basically routine at this point.

WHITE FRIEND: It just makes me so sad to know racism still exists. I get so upset when I hear about it. And here I go thinking you’re Mexican! I’ll never forgive myself.

FRIEND OF COLOR: You can donate to the ACLU as an act of contrition.

WHITE FRIEND: I’m already a card-carrying member, but I guess I can always give a little more this month.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Feel better?

WHITE FRIEND: So much. Thanks.

FRIEND OF COLOR: Of course. This confessional was built to make you feel better.

WHITE FRIEND: I’m so glad I can come to you for this kind of stuff.

FRIEND OF COLOR: I mean, I’m not an expert on all non-white people, but no problem.

WHITE FRIEND: Right, of course. It’s still such a relief to know I’m not racist.

FRIEND OF COLOR: You know I can’t actually absolve you of that, right?

WHITE FRIEND: You just did. See you next week!