To my beautiful, communion wine-guzzling children,

It has come to my attention that many of my sons and daughters are unaware—or have accepted with complicit apathy—a dark, evil substance that has been wreaking havoc on my gorgeous earth for the past century. An unassuming but undeniably dangerous agent of chaos was placed on this earth to strike fear into the hearts of children and ruin tailgates.

Triscuits. Triscuits are the Devil’s cracker.

Do you know how many of the cherubs in Heaven died by choking on one of these flavorless, dry chunks of woven wheat? Do you realize how many lives were cut short by the cunning work of these poisonous shreds of grain? I’ve smited down hundreds—nay thousands—of parents who subjected their children to the torture of eating these Satanic squares.

Triscuits, short for “Truly Awful Biscuits,” are slowly tearing this globe apart. They are the forbidden fruit of a 21st century Garden of Eden, and you must not give in to their temptation.

Their disgusting, grey-gold color is only rivaled in hideousness by their nutrition facts. Triscuits contain 20 grams of carbohydrates per serving. THEY’RE NOT EVEN HEALTHY. There you are, sadly nibbling on a 2-inch thick piece of cardboard, instead of on a Wheat Thin. You think the food’s abhorrent taste must somehow correlate to its nutritional value, but this is a lie propagated by Lucifer himself. You deserve to know the truth.

Do not succumb to the darkness. Down with Triscuits, and may the Lord be with you.

Signed,

God

P.S. By all means, knock yourselves out on Doritos. Frickin' love those things.