The ancient Cardinal Protodeacon, dressed in a red bathrobe mumbles into a microphone, reminding me of my Dad trying to knit alphabet spaghetti in a cupboard after several bottles of wine.

The Cardinals voice, an exhausted moth caught up in the path of a lawnmower.

Nobody in the crowd, or on any television in the world, can hear a word the Cardinal is saying. Suddenly, and without warning, he stops mumbling, and everybody expects him to finish his sentence.

There is a pause.

Any second now he will announce the name of the new pope.

Turns out, he just had.

The news reporters around the word immediately launch a counter story explaining the crowd are stunned into silence because they’ve not heard of the new pope. Quite right, but the reason they’ve not heard of the new pope, is because they can’t hear the Cardinal, because the Cardinal has a tongue made from mashed potato and the worst nightmares of manipulated children.

The pope waddles slowly toward the edge of the balcony, like all popes walk, like his feet are flippers and his eyes face backwards.

I hear a guy on Sky News saying he met Jorge Mario Bergoglio once and felt the pope had only pure love in his heart. Pure Love: so that confirms it, this is complete nonsense.

I flick over to the BBC, and listen to more emotional rhetoric treating the new pope like he’s God before he’s said or done anything.

And then I realise, I’m watching an advertisement, paid for by the church.

The television cameras show me images of impressionable people let down by life sobbing into the night, everyone holds a candle, and the Vatican looks from above like a Dragon has sneezed mid fart over the ground beneath.

The crowd is completely silent, the kind of silence that starts in the mouth but lives in the eyes.

Somebody say something, because this is more awkward than buying condoms in a supermarket.

As he looks like he’s about to speak, my mind isn’t buying any of it, and starts to wander…

The UK media, the world media even, love to hate a paedophile. They cannot get enough of hating a paedophile. Pretending to protect children buys them love, which keeps their papers in business. Just look at Jimmy Saville, and how that story continues to run. So where is all the constant noise in our media against the catholic church for the systematic raping of young boys? Three billion dollars in compensation has been paid out to the families of boys bum-fucked by sweaty priests in just fifty years. And that is only in America.

That’s not my opinion. That’s fact. The actual number is probably far higher, these are only the recorded figures, dating back to 1950. Before 1950, catholic priests were still putting their dicks into young boys.

I’m sitting on my couch, knowing I’m not very good at maths. Pretty terrible actually, but I wonder if I can get a rough idea of how many kids have been raped in a day by priests in America. Not in the world. Just America, in the last 50 years.

If I say each victim received 50k payout, which, seems fair because the “recorded” abuses go back to 1950, when payments would have been far less. Also, the raping likely goes all the way back to the start of the church. So if I total up all of those abuses and what they should have cost, then add all the unrecorded payouts, then all the payouts that should have happened but never did…Then I think I’m probably being rather lenient.

So, $3billion divided into $50,000 equates to 60,000 children.

60,000 raped children. In fifty years. In America alone.

Now I divide 60,000 raped children (that’s small children, with adult dicks inserted into their arse) by fifty years. Actually, I’ll divide it into the days. Why not?

So there are 18,262 days in fifty years.

Now I divide the number of days in fifty years by the number of innocent children forced into daily situations with true evil disguised as guidance.

Which means, since 1950, in America alone, just over three young boys a day, have had the hands of an old grey wrinkled priest all over their body.

Three boys a day, lives destroyed. Trust in adults gone. Division from parents a probably certainty.

A lot of these boys might only see their catholic priest once a week. So how many boys were being raped every Sunday?

And, of course, that statistic is shocking enough, but it’s completely misleading. Because it doesn’t take into account all of the children who never came forward, nor does it take into account the amount repeat rapes (likely all of them) nor does it take into account the amount of money paid in private never recorded. Nor does it take into account the catholic churches in America that couldn’t pay out because they declared bankruptcy, nor does it take into account any abuse outside of America.

In other countries, where the legal system is not as set, the financial record is harder to trace, if there is one at all.

The old man, this new pope, he’s standing on this balcony now and he’s about to speak. And I realise something, he is the head of the biggest and most “successful” paedophile ring of all time. And just like the police and the media went along with Jimmy Savile in the seventies, they are going along with exactly the same crime today, for exactly the same reasons.

Because it pays well, because the catholic church “does a lot for charity.”

Because the pope, and everyone associated with the catholic church dresses like a twat.

And I realise, the catholic church is just a massive Jimmy Savile.

I stop thinking and focus back on the television, I decide to wait. I should hear what the new pope has to say. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe he will use his introduction speech to set down a new vision with one aim, to apologise and start again.

Maybe he will lead us out of these ridiculously stupid times and enlighten us all with a new way of thinking. Take the church from the dark ages and into some sort of relevant place.

The crowd finally roar, waking up to the idea they’ve only been let into the grounds to make the old man look like a God.

He has to say something amazing now, to cover up the most embarrassing entrance by a man with lots of people waiting for him ever.

He would have received a better reception if he’d wandered along the moors at midnight and wandered into a pub called The Slaughtered Lamb. Taken his hat off, and called every drinker in the pub a worthless Yorkshire cunt.

The new pope finally speaks, and the news channels whisper hush, hush planet earth, and everyone listens.

A football match in Germany is delayed.

Everyone is playing along.

Millions of people worship (actually worship!) this old man who leads other old men who all believe God loves only some of his people.

I’m finding this all massively creepy.

I watch as the women in the audience weep at the sight of him. Actually weep.

The same women, who are not allowed to become priests, who seem to have, at no point, stopped to question whether or not that seems a tad pre 1928.

The same women who cannot fall accidentally pregnant.

The same women who are not allowed to use contraception.

Here’s a thought, if the first condom was made in 1920, how could Jesus have said anything against them in the year 313?

Jorge Mario Bergoglio says hello, and the sky news commentator interviews a man who explains the new pope is against gay marriage, but he is an extraordinary voice of conscience. He says it with a completely straight face, and suddenly, one of the best investigative journalists around has become a puppy, and simply nods his head and says how wonderful.

But how can somebody be an extraordinary voice of conscience, if what they believe in condemns so many people?

He’s not an extraordinary anything, he is an old man, carrying old views onto younger people who should be questioning what they are worshipping, rather than bowing their heads because their parents failed to win their own battle against their parents beliefs.

Everyone has, or has had a racist Granddad. Most Granddads have dated views. And understandably, that generation fought in wars. They are two generations old. I understand I will never change that age demographics political stance when it comes to race, women and homophobia, but that doesn’t mean I agree with it. That doesn’t mean I would elect them. Nor would I put them in charge of an operation that influences some of the poorest people in this world to continue hitting the self destruct button…And the last thing I would do, is worship them!

The new pope says thank you for coming, and says he is going now.

That’s it.

He came out. Said hello. Waved. Mumbled. Then said he has to go.

Now he’s gone.

What? Did he have something better to do?

If that was a Justin Bieber concert the entire Vatican would be pulled down, set on fire, and the pope would have to Tweet later that his short appearance would never happen again.

Parents would scream it was a school night, and they let their kids stay up late – angry that all they got was a few minutes of pope time in exchange.

These people queued all day to hear the new pope say he is going inside, and nobody complains.

When a religious body can do no wrong in the eyes of their devoted following, then that religious body can do only wrong and nobody notices.

Two women leaving are asked what they thought of the new pope, and they respond by saying they have no idea who has been elected, because they couldn’t see or hear anything from where they stood.

I wonder if they even went to see the new pope, or if they went to reaffirm to themselves they are good people. Perhaps they wanted to be seen by their neighbours as the same. Perhaps they want to fit in, and be loved.

They have no idea what is going on, Hitler could have been embalmed and put in front of them as the new pope, and they would have kept nodding, smiling and agreeing.

I would rather be hated for booing the biggest paedophile ring of all time, than loved for worshipping it.

I can’t be alone on this.

I don’t hate religion, and I do have faith. I’m not sure what in, but that’s the point about faith, in faiths true form it has to exist without knowing what it’s in. Because that’s what faith is. But for some reason we need to quantify belief, put it in a house, and put a man in a silly hat in front of the house so we can all pretend we can see it.

We need to go out at night, light candles, hold hands, and all pretend we have exactly the same type of faith.

But we can’t see faith, and if we think we can faith isn’t really faith.

Catholics may read this and decide because I’m speaking out against the catholic church I am born from the devil, a faithless creature who will destroy the world.

Most likely, they won’t read this or even care.

I’m not like that. I just don’t agree with young boys being raped. I’m not saying anything against catholics, I am talking strictly about the institution of the church.

I can’t believe everyone knows about the abuse, yet the last thirty popes aren’t in jail serving life sentences.

I am just some bloke, sitting here in his pants, and I know about the abuse. So how come the pope has never been held accountable for what goes on under his roof?

Arresting the priests one at a time is like the police arresting young punks for dealing weed, when they could just follow the weed and find the biggest heroin dealer on the planet.

How does it make any sense?

If I was the head of a business, and all my employees had been raping young boys for hundreds of years, I would be taken to court and my business would be closed down.

Then, in its place something entirely more positive might grow from the lessons.

Instead, we keep putting cherries on top of raped children, hoping one day the children will turn into cakes and the problems will all go away.

No baby is born with an instinctive awareness of God; which I think says a lot.

We are born more scientists than religious.

Why is it people either have faith or they don’t? That is such a bullshit pressure for a religious person to live under.

It’s not that simple. It’s not that black and white.

If you don’t agree with raping children, you don’t have to question your faith in God, you just have to question your faith in the people raping children.

You could say, I have faith, I just haven’t found the right place to put it yet, but I’m hopeful. I mean, as far as I can see, that’s roughly about where billions of people should be about now, because nobody can really say the catholic church is a place for open minded people full of only love in their hearts.

We live in a world where many horrific acts of man boil down to the blind, who claim to see, leading the meek; who give their eyes to blind beliefs.

Common sense has a weakness, it needs approval by the masses before it’s regarded as common sense. But, logic dictates the people waiting for common sense cannot state for themselves what common sense is because the information would be inherently biased. And so because people doubt they can know what common sense is, they sit back and wait to be instructed what it is, so they can all behave accordingly.

And if that someone happens to wear a hat, be called the pope, and carries around an ancient document to back him up, then all the better.

What becomes common sense to the individual is, therefore, all too often something implanted by an outside source.

Which is madness.

The catholic church is against contraception.

The new pope himself does not believe in condoms. He says, God says, condoms should not be used.

Now, that is an old way of thinking.

Have faith you say.

I do have faith, it’s just my faith doesn’t need approval.

Here is another fact:

Over 170 million Africans are now catholic, over 16% of the entire population.

In 2009 72% of the people in the world who died from AIDS were from Africa.

AIDS is spread through having unprotected sex.

Do the math.

The new pope, the old pope, and the catholic church tell Africans God doesn’t want them to use contraception.

But, it’s okay, because the new pope was photographed kissing the feet of people dying from AIDS.

And the world press reported on this, like it was an act to be applauded; when the truth is the catholic church are in a position to influence positive change to save lives, but they do nothing, and kiss the feet of the bodies piling up on their doorstep.

Be religious if it brings you peace, love God if it makes you happy, but don’t worship the pope; because change won’t ever come from the few people holding the power, change comes from the people who make the few powerful.

Wasn’t Jesus meant to be a simple carpenter? What would he think of the opulence of The Vatican?

And as for the world media – shame on you.

The fawning of every news channel over the new pope being elected, is proof, the church has thrown massive amounts of money at all the right people behind the scenes to guarantee positive press, and to stop us remembering that the catholic church, at his highest possible level – is sexist, homophobic, hypocritical, rapes children and encourages AIDS.

How HOW are we worshipping this? Just look away. Worship something else if you have to worship. Who we choose to bow down to reflects who we are, so what does it say about how far we have really come if at the top of our pyramid are politicians who steal and a church that rapes children?

A church that can pay out 3 billion dollars in compensation to its victims is a business.

And it’s a business that can afford to buy good press, the love of those around them, and a big fat blind eye from anyone who could stand up and say “I’m not worshipping this.”

If religion and God fill your heart with love for your fellow man, then bravo, I am truly happy for you, but I say faith doesn’t need a home, the catholic church, or another fuckwit pope.