Hey Canada,

I know.

Believe me; I know. He’s a cunt. A big, tantrum throwing, international norms destroying, ill-prepared, ill-tempered, ill-dressed, mentally ill cunt. And somehow, some way, 46% of my country thought this big orange cunt not only should run for president, but be president. So here we are.

We have a giant orange cunt problem; and this weekend at the G7 — which you guys may want to rename G6 for the next couple however long it takes to get this big orange cunt out of the White House — you guys got the brunt of the cunt, for which I can only offer my deepest apologies on behalf of the millions upon millions of Americans who didn’t vote for this moron. To be fair to us, there were literally millions more of us who voted for literally everyone else other than that big, orange, dopey, Russian compromised cunt, and he’s the least popularly elected president of all time. Still, though, since we’re dumb Americans and we think we have to treat our Constitution and everything in it like scripture, we’re stuck with an Electoral College that takes our representative democracy and pulls it just an inch or two further away from the people; allowing for demagogues like the corpulent, curmudgeonly corporate cunt we have in the Oval Office now.

I digress; we don’t need to re-litigate why he won. We all know why. A mixture of angry Americans not willing to accept the 21st century, truly racist Americans angry about a black president for eight years, and Americans who still truly believe in the myth of trickle down economics so feverishly they ignore the fact that their candidate is a failed businessman, con artist, and reality TV star. It happened. And here we all are, stuck with the mess.

The intelligent ones in this country knew our Giant Orange Cunt problem was not going to stay merely a domestic one. Since Nixon, every Republican president has dabbled his dick in foreign affairs so clumsily it’s set the entire planet back. Reagan couldn’t stop funding so called freedom fighters and starting illegal wars; even ultimately creating Osama Bin Laden so he could fuck with Iran and Russia. First Bush had his hand in Iran Contra and the first Iraq War, and his son…well, let’s just all remember that his son was the dumbest president ever until the shit stain they elected in 2016 came to be. So at G7, the inevitable finally happened — you guys got cunted on. Hard.

Just, please, understand this — most of us love Canada. In fact, most of wish we were Canada. I mean, as much as I love daily school shootings, I do wish my government cared more about using my tax dollars to take care of my health and my children’s health. But truly, you have to believe me when I tell you that we love Canada and fucking hate that Giant Orange Cunt.

Don’t get me wrong — sadly there are millions of people who love him. Millions of people who think blowing up the world to “own libs” is a viable way forward for the survival of our species. They’re idiots, but they are not the majority. They got incredibly lucky in 2016 and as they do when this happens — see 2000 with Dubya — they are pretending like an Electoral College only victory is a big mandate from on high. This is folly beyond which I cannot express to you.

Please, accept this as my apology for having to deal with that trust fund reality TV fascist third world tinpot dictator. We are working on getting him the fuck out of there. Maybe Robert Mueller will help us, or maybe we’ll have to gird our loins and heave that tangerine twat waffle over the side of the boat ourselves at the ballot boxes. But I assure you, there is an undercurrent of people fed up with the naked stupidity, ineptitude, and ill-placed and unearned hubris, and we are trying to fix our Giant Orange Cunt problem.

Bear with us, Canada. It might take some time but we will correct our course…eventually. But it’s like Winston Churchill said.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.