CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing my food storage for what seems like forever, but turns out the only motivation I required was the COVID-19 pandemic giving me a little extra time,” said the marketing coordinator of the sustained period of uncertainty and mortality that will fundamentally reshape the global economy. “I had a couple ideas I’d been toying around with, but I’d never actually gotten to the point of actually trying them out, because it always seemed like this huge thing. I even bought this plastic lid organizer from Target that’s just been sitting in the closet for months, but it wasn’t until the mass spread of a deadly disease that has hospitalized hundreds of thousands that I finally got around to opening it. This is such a huge weight off my shoulders, though—every time I look in the cabinet and see how organized the Tupperware is now, I’ll feel better.” Wilhelm did admit that given her tendency to procrastinate, it will probably take a few more weeks of catastrophic suffering and a rapidly escalating death count before she would find the energy to tackle the cabinet with all the plastic grocery bags.

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