Desserts Served to Overconfident Jerks

Humble Pie

Modest Strudel

Unpresuming Sorbet

Apologetic Yule Log

Deflated Tiramisu

Contrite Root Beer Float

Chastened Toblerone

Penitent Peach Cobbler

Conscience-Stricken Mississippi Mud Brownies

Thoroughly Humiliated Lobby Vending Machine Hostess Cupcake

Oh Dear God My Echo Chamber Is Cracking Cocoa Souffle

My Constant One-Upmanship Has Finally Backfired Baklava

I Should’ve Worked On My Active Listening Two Months Ago Angel Food Cake

Evidently My Poor Behavioral Control Has Social Consequences Crème Brûlée

Projecting My Fragile Ego Has A Tendency To Poison Everything Chocolate Eclair

Using Emotional Outbursts To Manipulate Other People Will Slowly Erode My Credibility Chewy Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Rationalizing My Failures As The Incompetence Of My Colleagues Is Not A Winning Long-Term Strategy Butterscotch Sticky Buns

Getting What I Want By Repeatedly Crossing Other People’s Boundaries Will Alienate Me Eventually White Chocolate Chunk Macadamia Nut Cheesecake With Farm-Fresh Raspberries

Assuming That Because The Other Investment Bankers In My Firm All Have Fancy Degrees And Drive Nice Cars, Therefore Our Fraudulent Securities Trading Practices are Invincible Turned Out To Be Mistaken Oh Fuck Me Mochi Ice Cream

I Neglected To Heed The Fact That It Has Been Thoroughly Established By Historical Example — And, I Must Now Admit, Basic Common Sense—That One Should Not Attempt A Land Invasion Of Russia During The Winter, And For That I Truly Apologize Apple Pie à la Mode

Defending An Untenable Scientific Hypothesis In The Face Of Overwhelming Contrary Evidence Will Surely Lead To My Views Being Overturned As I Am Replaced By A Younger, Sharper, Momentarily Less Blinkered Generation Of Thinkers Who Are Quickly Revealing My Ideology To Be Horse Shit And Relegating My Life’s Work To Oblivion As Everyone I’ve Tried So Vainly To Impress Dies And The Universe Works Its Way, Second By Second, To An Inexorable Heat Death Hot Fudge Sundae