I don’t want to write this but here I am, writing. Now Page 6 and US Weekly can get those quotes they want and you guys can get the truth.

I found out the same way you guys did: in the tabloids. I never left a voicemail for the other woman. I called Jimmy and he confessed to me that he had exchanged lewd photos with this woman over the course of several months and a physical relationship never existed. He paid her off to protect me so I’d never find out.

Yet here I am writing about it.

Do I believe him? I don’t know. Because I don’t trust him anymore. Physical or not, he still had an affair and he admits this to me.

I’m a simple girl. I wanted a solid marriage. I’m as loyal as they come and I wanted the vows we made when we exchanged our rings to be acted upon. Now my wedding ring symbolizes fraud.

I refuse to be humiliated by this.

Marriage is hard, we’ve been through our ups and downs, I’ve talked about it openly. A relationship takes two but it doesn’t take two to cheat.

I did nothing wrong, I don’t deserve this. I did nothing except be pregnant with our twins and try to have a healthy pregnancy. So what is so broken in him to propel him to do this to me? To us? It wasn’t one mistake, one lapse in judgement. I saw the texts – each one represents his decision to throw our marriage in the trash. Why did he self-sabotage? And who sends nudies? Doesn’t everyone know better than this in 2019? What drives someone to self-destruct in such a way?

I don’t care about my stupid massive house, I don’t care about my new car, I don’t care about my diamonds. What does any of that mean when I can’t have the most basic needs met? It means nothing. Smoke and mirrors.

I love him. How can I turn my feelings around so quickly? How can one person decide to utterly ruin me? It’s not fair. I sob so much my face stings from the salt from my tears. I am exhausted. My poor kids aren’t getting their devoted mother. And it’s only been 36 hours.

And all of this could not have come at a worse time. Again, something I wasn’t ready to share but here I am sharing it: we are worried our son, Hart, might have a neurological disorder. It’s been the most trying last couple months of my entire life and we still don’t have answers. Sometimes I leave the house after the kids go to bed so I can drive around and ugly cry in the dark with no one around. Now I have this to deal with: my one true love betraying me in the most disgusting and public way possible.

I feel sad. Oh, do I feel so sad! I feel abandoned. Lonely. My best friend, my number one person has lied to me. Who is he? Do I even know?

In the days of digital media what are we if we don’t have our reputation? Every job is dependent upon an unsoiled reputation. What was he thinking?

I am a victim, but I am not defined by this. I need space to heal.

Ultimately, I have hope our marriage can recover.

I do not fault any other person except my husband. There are so many people out there with bad intentions and it’s our responsibility to ignore and rise above. One slimy person doesn’t make another person cheat. And there are a million more slimy people to take “slimy person #1’s” place.

Marriage is a choice, every. damn. day. On the days I hate him, on the days I want to run from him, on the days I get approached by some hot dude on instagram luring me with trips or money or whatever the hell else the slimy people do. So yes, marriage is a choice on the bad days. And on the good days marriage is easy and beautiful.

No one said it would be easy, I just didn’t think it would be this hard.