Church says ‘told you so’ as all marriages collapse

Marriages have begun crumbling across the nation after the institution was fatally weakened by the government’s decision to allow same-sex unions.

At approximately 7:15 pm yesterday, married couples throughout England and Wales reported relationships immediately falling apart because homosexuals were suddenly able to get married.

Married man Simon Williams reported the end of his marriage at 8:30 last night, “It’s definitely all the gays’ fault.”

“The only thing that kept this marriage going was the knowledge that homosexuals were treated like second class citizens in the eyes of the law, and now that’s been taken away from me.”

“This changes everything, what’s the point in staying with my wife any more when I know that a gay couple can have the same rights as me?”

“Suddenly gays can get married and I’m leaving my wife because I’ve got a new girlfriend. That’s the gay agenda at work right there.”

Gay marriage confirmed

The church has warned that the imminent collapse of society will be ugly, brutal, and completely the fault of gays who have had the temerity to fall in love with each other and demand equal rights.

A spokesperson said, “We told you this would happen. Traditional marriage is dead, and already marriages are collapsing.”

“Did you wake up this morning and look at your wife or husband and ask yourself, ‘what am I doing here?’ – that’s the gays.”

“Next we’ll have people asking us to marry them to their dogs and toasters.”

“Well, no, no-one has actually asked us to do that, but it’s only a matter of time, obviously. All because of the gays.”