CARACAS — Edward Snowden, the leaker of NSA surveillance documents, was granted asylum in Venezuela on Friday. With safe harbors in sight, Snowden was willing to share shocking and world-shattering exclusive secret government documents with the Internet Chronicle. Snowden’s testimony was as follows:

“The highest levels of government don’t know what to do about UFOs, and the official story that they are all merely weather balloons or natural phenomena have been clearly dismissed. If anything, these documents speak about UFOs as if they are surely guided by an intelligence beyond our own. As it turns out, the most credible and inexplicable sightings are of vehicles which have been spotted leaving the sea floor at hydrothermal vents and directly entering solar orbit. Because ballistic missile tracking systems and deep sea sonar are kept as state secrets, scientists don’t have access to data about these objects. However, most of the contractors at DARPA are sure that there is a species more intelligent than homo sapiens living in the mantle of the Earth . . . It makes sense, if you think about it, because that is the only place where conditions have been more or less stable for billions of years. Extremophiles may live at different temperatures than us, but they have been able to thrive and develop intelligence at a seemingly accelerated rate. That’s not true, because they’ve simply evolved at the same rate, but without many of the vicissitudes which set back surface life . . . The president receives daily briefings about their activities, but analysts believe their technology is so far advanced that we stand little chance of survival in any potential war. The general sentiment is that we are but ants from their perspective, so there is little chance they would empathize or attempt to communicate with us, and the current contingency plan is to detonate nuclear weapons in deep caverns to ‘sting’ the foe we have no hope of destroying in hopes it would discourage further attacks.”