He’s 61 today, and Nick Mallett has plenty to show for it. His marvellous coaching career is fondly remembered by Springboks fans, and his off-field quips have proved just as popular.

Mallett has enjoyed a successful retirement to the SuperSport studios, and he’s always toeing the line of controversy. But, seeing as its his birthday, we’re cutting him some slack and celebrating some of his more sage pearls of wisdom.

Bulls fans, beware. And Springbok fans. And Sunwolves. And Sharks, Lions, Cheetahs… In fact, if you’ve ever touched a rugby ball, you’re fair game for our Nick:

The Best Nick Mallett Quotes

1. SA’s record defeat attracts Nick’s Fury

*Shudders*

Sorry, but we had to include this. His grim summary just about perfectly captured the mood following the Springboks’ darkest hour.

“The scrums were a shambles in the second half, the lineouts didn’t go well, the replacements didn’t make an impact, the scramble defence was nowhere and the first-up defence got worse as the game progressed. There isn’t enough leadership in the Bok team at the moment and certainly not enough skill to help them try and turn things around.”

2. Dour Derbies drive Nick to distraction

He blasted the standard of South African rugby, following dismal derbies played out between the Sharks and the Cheetahs and the Lions and the Stormers in Super Rugby back in 2014…

“Ball skills in South Africa need a tremendous amount of work. I urge all school coaches to work on ball handling, and timing passes. It’s no surprise that Heyneke Meyer [head coach of the South African national team] decides to play a very limited game plan with the Springboks”

3. Mallett hammers Gavin Henson

Before leading a Barbarians team into battle, Nick Mallett didn’t mince his words about his decision to omit Welshman Gavin Henson…

“Gavin Henson would make a fool of himself, he’s way off the pace. We’d be at a disadvantage if we played him.”

4. Japanese Rugby needs ‘more Kawasakis’

Ticked off by the Sunwolves’ lack of competitiveness in Super Rugby, he fumed at the Japanese RU for overlooking local players. On your bike, lads:

“The Japanese Rugby Union hasn’t invested enough effort into this team. This is a team meant to prepare Japan for the 2019 World Cup. Therefore, there should be fewer Viljoens in the side, and more Kawasakis.”

5. Du Plessis sees red, and so does Nick…

When Bismark Du Plessis saw a highly dubious second yellow for the Boks vs New Zealand back in 2014, Nick Mallett went right off. His criticism of the referee in that game has gone down in folklore for his brutal honesty:

“That was a shocking decision. An absolute disgrace. How can referees defend each other and say ‘they are only human’? Rubbish! They have slow-motion replays, the use of a TMO, and two other assistants. He ruined this game as a spectacle with the red. It’s a disgrace, and it needs to be said.”

6. There’s a time and a place to criticise a referee, though

When a debate arose over chirping a couple of years ago, Mallett was quick to blast the ‘soccer-like’ badgering of refs setting a bad example to the kids.

“I’m very unhappy with the lack of respect, and the lack of control shown by our senior players at the moment. There’s too much familiarity between the refs and the players. Players feel they have the right to challenge officials in a way that’s becoming very ‘soccer-like’. We don’t want schoolboys following this example set by the Springboks, in challenging the referee publically on television.”

7. Cut the Bulls’ shit

The Crusaders managed their first win at Loftus Versfeld since 2008 when they thumped the Bulls 62-24 earlier this year. Mallett lead the post-mortem…