[Spoiler alert! What follows is an April's Fools joke...]

The policy involves standards prescribed by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) Code and Prohibited List. Officials test for both recreational drugs as well as PED's (performance-enhancing drugs). The substance found in the Australian's urine is, oddly, a bit of both: staggering levels of bee pollen.



Though not illicit and generally classified as a powerful antioxidant food, recent scientific evidence suggests the most common bee pollen supplement, known by its brand name "TeePee," has been linked to sustaining energy, increasing endurance, relieving stress, enhancing immunity and reducing allergies -- common resolutions for a perpetually transient professional athlete operating in extreme coastal environments.

"I've always known that drugs are a f--ed road, mate. And I never touch the stuff." --Wilko

"Mr. Wilkinson may have thought what he was ingesting was harmless," said Richard Grellman, ASP Executive Chairman. "But our list of banned substances is quite clear, and this policy represents a consensus between our surfers, events and administrators in evolving the Sport of Kings to a more professional level. Everyone knew the rules, so effective immediately, Wilkinson will be suspended from competition and possibly stripped of his current World Tour ranking while his attorneys and ASP officials investigate the matter further."Wilko's drug of choice seems innocuous enough. After all this isn't cocaine we're talking about. Or even marijuana, for that matter. And it certainly isn't steroids. In fact, Wilkinson maintains he doesn't even take bee pollen for any of the physical benefits mentioned above; he was simply following suggestion from over 20 studies that have found that bee pollen is a natural libido booster -- a super food for men's sexual health. Several sources claim to have witnessed the surfer ingesting the supplement -- which can be swallowed, snorted, or absorbed rectally -- at an alarming rate during Quiksilver Pro sideline parties, emptying at least two capsules into every pint of beer he drank throughout the course of the festivities."Of course I wasn't trying to [illegally] get a leg up on the comp," Wilkinson defended. "But if you only knew how aggressive these chicks on the Goldy can be, mate...They wait all year long for the Dream Tour guys to roll through town for Snapper. And once we do, they come at us two, three at a time, and they wanna go all night! Without me TeePee, I would not have had enough energy to surf my heats the next day. I never in a million years thought the ASP would suspend me for this shit, so I've decided to lawyer up.""The guys on Tour, while strongly supporting the implementation of the ASP Anti-Doping Policy really feel for Wilko," lamented ASP Surfers' Representative Kieren Perrow. "But he never read the fine print. To tell you the truth, none of us did. All we knew was that we weren't allowed to juice up, and we weren't allowed to get high. None of us knew we weren't allowed to get a chub.""I've always known that drugs are a f--ed road, mate," finished Wilko. "And I never touch the stuff. As far as the PED thing goes, shit...do I look like Mr. Roid Rage over here? Ninety percent of the groms on tour pump Red Bull into their bodies all day long, and they get commercials. I take a little whiff of a natural food and I get booted off tour. I think it all comes down to jealousy. You got this 24-year-old free spirit making love to beautiful women who never look twice at some grumpy, old ASP dude. Of course, one of them was gonna say, "Oh yeah, let's test Wilko. He just looks like he's having too much fun."+++*Editor's note:...