

In some ways, the world of sex toys was ahead of the ‘wearables’ trend from the beginning – strap-ons and cock rings have been lurking in bedside drawers a lot longer than Fitbits and Apple Watches have been charging on the night stand.

But there’s something very unsettling about bringing the ‘quantified self’ trend to our sex lives. Yet, as Engadget reports, that’s exactly what the makers of Lovely, a ‘smart’ cock ring want to do:

Simply slide your penis into the hardware, get banging away and, when you’re done, a mobile app will tell you your score. Statistics that are recorded by the device include the calories you’ve burned, the force of your thrusting and even your top speed. The software will even look at your performance and come up with one of 120 new positions that you can try next time out.

Inevitably, the device has been revealed through a crowd-funding campaign, with a $95,000 target to make it a reality.

The notion of bringing toys into the bedroom isn’t a problem. Where Lovely gets is all wrong is dragging data in with it. Can you really picture see yourself reviewing the ‘performance’ with your partner as you lay there getting your breath back?

The philosophy behind Lovely is flawed. Men are already far too inclined to look at sex like a sporting event, with winners, losers and a set of moves to deploy.

A world of Wi-Fi connected wieners is not the solution to bad sex. The wearable’s creators – it’s notable that the funding pitch video features just one female team member – think that using it will make couples talk more about what they like.

The reality is, you’d have to be pretty open to start with to even consider bringing a cock ring connected to your smartphone into the picture.

If you’re away from your partner and feel frisky, Lovely’s app includes a ‘booty call’ feature that lets you tell them exactly what you want to do to them. When they reply, the device flashes red. Or you could just call them.

The entire concept turns sex into the equivalent of collecting Foursquare badges or notching up points on your fitness tracker.

Men already spend far too much time thinking with and about our cocks. We really don’t need to hook up them to devices and have data to obsess over too. The most useful sexual feedback is free and usually pretty obvious.