Trump Announces New Memoir: 'If I Did It'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Just one day after his acquittal of both articles of impeachment, President Donald Trump has announced a new memoir: If I Did It.

Trump says the book contains theoretical conjecture over what he would have done had he actually committed the abuses of power he was accused of.

"I didn't do it, obviously, as I was just found to be the most innocent president of all time by the Senate," he said at a press conference announcing the new book. "But if I had done it, I would have obviously carried out the best high crimes and misdemeanors, maybe ever. And this book lays out how. It's tremendous. My high crimes would have been 17-dimensional Scattergories, not some dumb phone call."

"All the juicy details about the quid pro quo -- which I didn't do! -- and Russian collusion and all that stuff are in here, if you're interested."

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly helping Trump with the legal details in the book, including interesting factoids like "you can't impeach a president and vice president for the same crime" and "if the toupee doesn't fit, you must acquit."

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