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Maybe it happens when you’re all sitting at the dinner table and someone brings up the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) or as the program is more commonly known, food stamps.

It might be that your uncle thinks most people who receive SNAP benefits are “lazy” and don’t want to work. Or maybe it happens when you pull into a shopping mall parking lot, and your friend sees someone get out of their car and says, “That person is parked in an accessible spot, but I don’t see a wheelchair. I guess they’re faking!” This is what ableism looks like.

Ableism is everywhere and many people are simply unaware of it. There’s a seriously good chance that your loved ones and community members are ableist sometimes.

We’re all raised in a society that’s built on ableist values that are also linked to white supremacy, capitalism, and colonization, which is why the people we love sometimes have oppressive views.

But we’re also all capable of growth and change, and one way that we can do better is by talking to people when they express an ableist view.

If you’re disabled, it shouldn’t be your job to constantly educate non-disabled friends and family, but sometimes you may need to in order to survive. And if you’re non-disabled, this is one way you can do your part to be an active ally.

Here’s a short list I came up with that covers how you can talk to your community and loved ones about their ableist views, especially if you’re having the conversation in the moment after their views come up.

1. Know the misconceptions and the facts.

It helps if you come to the conversation prepared. Understand some of the common ableist myths and misconceptions that people believe.

Read the work of disabled writers and activists on some of the common misconceptions they face. Are there ableist phrases you didn’t realize were oppressive?

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Learn about common forms of ableism that repeatedly happen in our society. If there’s a particular issue that you’re not sure about, take the time to find out.

For instance, even though I’m disabled, I didn’t have an in-depth understanding of how difficult the process of being recognized as disabled by Social Security is. I’ve never been a recipient of Supplemental Security Income or Social Security Disability, and I’d heard from others in passing that it was relatively easy to fake a disability.

I wanted to be able to talk about this with authority with others in my life, so I learned more. I read about the reality of the process for actual disabled people and how challenging it is to have a legitimate disability recognized.

I did my own research about the application process and how many cases have to be appealed, what the success rates are, and how long it can take to get an approval. The more well-prepared you are to have conversations about ableism with your friends and family, the better.

It helps if you have an understanding of where they’re coming from. Where are they learning these ableist views? Are they seeing these things in the media? Are they hearing it from other people in their communities?

The more you know about your friends and family’s ableist views and where they come from, the more you’ll be able to connect with them when you talk.

2. Decide if you want to try calling them in.

“Calling in” is an alternative approach to calling out. “Calling in” can be an effective way to talk about someone’s ableist views with the aim of changing their problematic behavior.