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Boehner Speaks; America Bristles

It’s that time again. House Min. Leader John Boehner (R-OH) is going to address us again. You know, preparing for the GOP take-over this fall, so listen up people. He is a Republican, so naturally he speaks for Americans and unless you have no papers available in the blink of an eye or are white and thus exempt, you qualify.

Today’s talk is what we call a preemptive strike against any possible notion that Americans might be pleased with Obama for a moment over his successful draw down in Iraq.

Last week Boehner told us how he would save money by firing all of the experts running the economy (sadly, he failed to present a real plan or offer to give up his perks). He also railed against all things Obama.

An embarrassingly high number of main stream outlets fact-checked the orange one and found his “Republican plan” would actually leave us in a much larger deficit (the total Obama deficit would be $3.784 trillion over 10 years, and its GOP counterpart would be $4.155 trillion) and even Reuters reported, “The massive U.S. stimulus package put millions of people to work and boosted national output by hundreds of billions of dollars in the second quarter.” But you know the GOPERS; they’ve no shame in being wrong every time! So, yes, brave boy Boehner will speak and smirk again. Not even the racist President Obama can stop him!

Today, boys and girls, Boehner will give us his Republican Plan (fairy tale) about foreign relations! In this story, all Democrats including your President are fools and morons. You, as an American, can only be led by the true American Party, the GOP. But if you had been listening for the last 40 years, you would already know how ashamed you should be to be anything other than a John Birch funded birther.

Johnny will praise anyone who isn’t Obama and give props to Bush for ending the war in Iraq, or rather, the conflict, because Pro-Bush stuff really goes over well with the moderates whose pulse Johnny is always taking so accurately. Also, keep in mind, that we are not to let reality get in the way of our partisanship. When he tells you that the draw down was all Bush’s idea and Bush deserves all of the credit, you are to nod and clap and wave a flag if you have one. Do not think. For the love of God, don’t think.

I’ve found it’s best to prepare for major distortions of reality — just in case, you know — so here’s a specific preview of coming attractions. Hotline Oncall reports that he will say:



“When General Petraeus embarked on the surge strategy in January 2007, it was widely viewed as our last chance to save Iraq from spiraling into an irreversible descent toward chaos,” Boehner will say. “Some leaders who opposed, criticized, and fought tooth-and-nail to stop the surge strategy now proudly claim credit for the results. Today, we mark not the defeat those voices anticipated – but progress.”

So yeah, “some leaders”…that would be your President who was against the war in the first place. Who is going to tell Boehner that the generals were telling Bush before he invaded that he didn’t have enough troops? So, taking “credit” for the surge can be an admission of a mangled strategy from the beginning. But that is not our focus today. Remember, Republican equals good. USA! USA! USA!

Then he’s going to insert the general timeline fear, not noting that the Iraq timeline is working quite well and that in reality, any time we leave violence will pick up for a while. It’s inevitable. Apparently it has not occurred to Boehner that maybe we should not have been there and that there isn’t a real solution. But then, what can you expect. Boehner was discharged from the Navy after eight weeks for medical reasons (do tell, Johnny!), so honestly, when he speaks about the military, he has almost as much experience as Sarah Palin does as governor.

And in an attempt to diffuse the President from taking any credit at all for anything, Boehner will say:

“Boehner will also warn Obama against “using campaign promises as a yardstick to measure success.” That, Boehner will say, “runs the risk of triggering artificial victory laps and premature withdrawal dates unconnected to conditions on the ground.””

Premature victory laps? Like the one George W. Bush and the GOP took when they proclaimed “Mission Accomplished?”

Yes, well, we all know the danger of an artificial victory lap. Mission Accomplished. Head’s up, America: No Mission Accomplished Now, under Democratic President!

And in case you thought he was done telling you how you feel:



“Lastly, Boehner will call on Obama and Dems for their help in providing economic support for veterans. ‘Stimulus’ spending sprees, permanent bailouts, federal mandates and government takeovers have failed this nation and have failed our veterans,’ Boehner will say.”

Never mind that Boehner and his minions in the GOP voted against veterans. And please don’t mention the Walter Reed debacle. Sigh. We are not doing reality, here, people – this is called messaging and since soon you will be expected to repeat these thoughts as your own feelings, I pray you are paying close heed. Veterans good, Obama who pushed for veterans benefits bad. Do try to keep up.

Non-patriotic Americans are speaking out of turn and rejecting the hopeful preemptive strikes of a soon to be empowered, reckless, Party frighteningly bereft of ideas. This is what they had to say in the comments section of the Hotline article:

Madmatt, who pays attentions to deeds, not words:



“I notice you don’t mention that Boner and his GOP scum already voted AGAINST help for veterans this past session…guess its okay to fellate the gop scumbags huh!”

Er, cue the waving flag, boys! Hurry! Get Sarah Palin over here to natter on about sending our babies to die and how great it is. Rah rah! Pro-military does not mean pro-vet, come on, Matt!

Jonna Woodburn, re himself:



‘I used to vote straight Republican years ago, and John Boehner is the bar-none star-player representative of all the reasons why I refuse to vote GOP now. …He is the blind, ignorant, smirking, unfeeling, out-of-touch, self-centered, power seeking, self-satisfied limo-riding, self-congratulating voice of hell on earth. And hell is waiting to get its hands on him. The saints will stand above him and all his ilk, while he slips into the fire, and turn their backs with not one uttering forgiveness.”

Oh, honey. Just because Boehner has been like that all of this time doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. Don’t you feel like giving the GOP another chance? Gosh, it wouldn’t be nice to just reject them without giving them a chance to show us what they can really do. Be a nice girl, Jonna. Come on. Donate a baby or something.

Gilmore from another country tries to reason with Americans:

“Do people still listen to anything this faked tanned jerk suggests. If Rednecks in America are stupid enough to vote for Republicans you deserve to be the laughing stock of the world. Obama is the best thing that has happened to America since Bill Clinton and you just don’t get it do you? The rest of the world does!”

And lastly, Gary, who seems to feel it is American to have real elections (shame, shame, Gary!):



“SINCE OBAMA WAS ELECTED IN A FREE ELECTION AS OPPOSED TO BEING APPOINTED BY ACTIVIST JUDGES AND SINCE HE ENEDED THE WAR BUSH LIED US INTO THEN CLAIMED VICTORY 4MOS. INTO THE 8 YEAR WAR I THEINK HE HAS MORE RIGHT TO SPEAK THAN ANY LIVING AMERICAN. SIR TANALOT: AMERICA LAUGHS AT YOUR DRUNKEN ATTEMPT AT POLITICS.”

That sums up Americans’ responses to today’s GOP spin in a nutshell. A rather predictable and sad little effort from a mentally-impotent man, but let’s give Boehner an A for effort. Mind the explosives as you walk down the perilous path of reality, people.

And please don’t be sad. Come this fall, you will get to listen to Boehner deliver screeds of wisdom and insight like this every single day. One hopes you have a hearty appetite for revisionism.