You may know the very funny Scott Vrooman best from the hit television show Picnicface, the hit movie Roller Town or the hit book Picnicface’s Canada. Scott was an economist with Finance Canada and The Atlantic Provinces Economic Council before realizing that it was his mission to not only entertain the Canadian people, but also teach them the correct way to think. Find him at scottvrooman.org

In recent days and weeks, several Conservative MPs have presented petitions calling for an end to the $1.1-billion government subsidy of the CBC. I concur.

The argument against Communist Brain Control (for more derisive acronyms of CBC, please refer to the appendix at the end of this article) hardly needs to be made. Massive public support for the discontinuation of the CBC has already been demonstrated by ONE THOUSAND signatures collected on behalf of the cause. And if you think 1,000 signatures doesn’t amount to much in a democracy of 34 million people, think about this: if you stretched those signatures end to end they would be as long as five football fields. I measure public opinion in touchdowns, and so should you.

The fact is, Canada no longer needs a public broadcaster in the digital age. Our cultural identity is amply informed by the Internet and hundreds of television channels. American Idol, What Not To Wear, America’s Trashiest Weddings, YouTube videos “Dog Dry-Humps Grandma” and “Pug Pushes Stroller”: the free market has deemed that these images, and ones like them, are a sufficient expression of our national character. Canada has voted with its eyeballs, and the results are in: we like our television sexy and cute (and a little gross). And for those who still clamor for educational programming, I repeat: What Not To Wear.



Many cite CBC News as a particularly valuable public service. But really, how much news do we need? Global News and Sun News provide unbiased U.S.-caliber news that’s not only profitable, but doesn’t partake in impolite muckraking like the CBC. They behave respectfully toward the big mucky mucks who have created vast muck from which we all benefit, while the CBC tries to rake that hard-earned muck. Global and Sun follow the script of government press releases and leave the muck where it belongs: in the muck bucket or muck drawer. (Muck tip: line your muck bucket/drawer with wax paper for easy disposal.)

Many have characterized the anti-CBC movement as a “witch hunt.” Well I ask you: Why do you think there are no witches around today? It’s because the system worked. We hunted those witches down and killed them, just like we’re going to do to those bookish hobgoblins at the CBC. Well, not kill them literally, just cut off their figurative oxygen (money) with a literal pillow over their figurative face until they figuratively die, literally.

Some CBC huggers point to a need to develop Canadian talent with public money. Wrong. Exhibit A: Justin Bieber. Did Justin Bieber, our proudest cultural achievement, need the CBC to get famous? No, he used YouTube. And now he’s a household name and as Canadian as frozen apple pie. In any case, it doesn’t matter what the nationality is of the famous people we stare at, as long as we can jam advertising around their faces. That’s the cultural bottom line.

Now let’s address the elephant in the room wearing billion-dollar gold tuskwarmers: That’s right, the CBC costs Canadian taxpayers more than one billion dollars a year! Just think of all of the better things we could be spending that money on: subsidies to energy companies, five fighter jets, or hosting a G20 meeting. Hard times requires hard hearts, so let’s stone that elephant-sized budget to death (along with stoning an actual elephant to death to make our point perfectly clear, and then posting a video of it on YouTube, which would both create Canadian content and show fiscal restraint: killing two elephants with one stone [or several stones, I’m not sure how many it will take {I’ve only stoned small pets to death}]).

Proponents of the CBC ask, “Well if the CBC gets cut, what’s next?” The following, in this order: museums (a.k.a. “communist dust factories”), parks (a.k.a. “communist dog toilets”), public transportation (a.k.a. “communist homeless person toilets”), and social housing (a.k.a. “theft”).

Government needs to get out of the business of broadcasting. They are bullying the private sector with their unfair subsidies, and the public they purport to serve won’t stand for it. If history is any indication, the masses will revolt when corporations begin to make an unacceptably low level of private profits. Hide your Peter Mansbridge pillowcases. The revolution is coming.

APPENDIX

Please refer to the attached list when you find yourself in need of a clever acronym for your anti-CBC op-ed, bumper sticker, or vandalism!

Canadian Broadcasting Cult

Complacent Broadcasting Corporation

Cadaverous Broadcasting Corporation

Cultural Boiled Cabbage

Ceaseless Boring Conversation

Canada’s Ball & Chain

Conservative Bridge Combustor

Crusty Butt Cuddler (that one was from my nephew, a bit juvenile I’ll admit)

Church of Bad Content

Communist Book Club

Carnival Butt Clowns (from my niece, marginally more clever)

Corrupt Balding Cowards

Cursed By (Evil) Cheetah

Crowd of Beefy Chimps

Crappy Buncha Crap