Ailurophobia Awareness

UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR

Has your team consistently dropped games against feline-themed opponents? Ailurophobia can be revealed in many ways. Sometimes, the mere mention of a cat-like animal is enough to drive a latent case of ailurophobia to the surface. Triggers of ailurophobia may include:



Gus Malzahn

Les Miles

War Damn Eagle

Baton Rouge

Purple

Gold

Navy

Orange



These triggers will bring to light symptoms including:



Avoidance of the Running Game

Lacking in Time of Possession

Porous Run Defense

Dropped Passes

Overthrown Receivers



If your football team is suffering from any of these symptoms, the good news is there's hope. Any and all manifestations of Ailurophobia can be cured by repeat exposure to these triggers and beating them like they owe you money.



ABSURD GAME PREDICTION



"Tigers again," says Kevin Sumlin through an exasperated sigh. He crumples the Ailuraphobia pamphlet he had just finished into a tight ball and chucks it through his office wall, injuring several unfortunate graduate assistants.



Sumlin gets up, proceeds to the locker room where Siegfried and Roy are waiting. The team has no idea what to think as they watch what unfolds before them.



"Zey paid us a lot of ze monies to be here with ze tiger! Are you wanting to see ze magic today for ze pregame speech?" ask Siegfried and Roy in unison.



Sumlin walks right through the duo and into the tiger cage. The tiger, unaware of who he's messing with, lunges at Coach Damn for infringing on his territory. Coach catches the tiger by the head and delivers a knockout blow with his tiger-fighting visor.



And that's exactly what we're gonna do to 'em, Ags.



Ags 56 Tigers 35



CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Josh Lambo K: Josh hasn't made the Cast this year, but his emergence has been one of our more stabilizing factors after the up-and-down kicking game lately. Since nailing the game-winner in Oxford, he has not missed a field goal since (much less an extra point). He doesn't attempt many field goals, but still: we're optimists here. Sometimes.



Johnny Manziel QB: Possible "lasts": SEC game, road game, ESPN prime time game, regular season game, crazy alternate uniform game, et. al. Possible outcomes: literally anything. He's the ultimate wildcard playing with quite a bit on the line despite the team's standing, so anything is fathomable.



Steven Jenkins LB: The only guy on the front seven who has started against Missouri in two different conferences, we'll need Jenkins to be on point with Franklin back at QB. Eat your Wheaties and listen to some good Holiday jams or whatever it is you need to do, Steven.



James Franklin QB: The senior leader at QB has been dinged up for a few weeks, but came back to engineer an impressive two-TD road win in Oxford. It's his last home game, so yeah…he's probably pumped up for being just a regular student.



Henry Josey RB: Another guy who seems like he's been there forev---WAIT HE'S JUST A JUNIOR?! After redshirting in 2012 with a knee injury, the 2011 Doak Walker Semifinalist has rebounded nicely and is pushing for another thousand-yard season. GULP.



Michael Sam DL: What. A. Year. At double digits on the year in both TFLs and sacks, this gentleman could be one of the biggest individual tests our offensive line has come up against all year. Also his last home game at Mizzou. Wonderful.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY HYPNO-TOAD

Neutral Site After playing their last home game against A&M at Kyle Field, Missouri has for some reason elected to play this year’s matchup on a neutral site in a little known place called Columbia. A hasty search indicates that although it was once known for being the center of cocaine trafficking in the world, Columbia is in the midst of an economic and cultural renaissance, with booming oil and tourism industries. It is still a pretty dangerous place for Google employees, though.



Offensive Playcalling Pronounce it whichever way you like. After calling a disastrous outing against LSU in Baton Rouge in which the Aggies used their running backs for just 6 carries, OC Clarence McKinney is feeling the heat and muddling his way through the tough questions. He now has one last opportunity to establish a rhythm in our offense that has been missing for several weeks now. Will Muschamp has some suggestions on blocking schemes if you’re interested, Coach.



The Decision: 2013 There seems to be some confusion on the timing, but it is clear that Manziel’s decision on whether or not to declare for the NFL draft will be subject to the same scrutiny as his fake tattoos, parking tickets, and Twitter account. If Johnny wants to reach the pinnacle of media over-exposure and take on the King for his crown of asshattery, he’ll need to outdo him. Look for Mr. Football to finish the Mizzou game, don a GoPro camera, and ride a bound, gagged, and confused Mark Emmert all the way to New York. Once there he will patiently await the NFL draft, which will start just 48 hours later because Johnny Football.



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY HYPNO-TOAD

BEST. WEEK. EVER. Prepare yourself for a wild ride as both divisions of the SEC get decided in the final week. For the first time in its storied history, the Iron Bowl will be a top 10 matchup, with #1 Alabama heading to Auburn to take on the #4 Tigers. Nick Saban spent last week testing the sharpness of the blades in his football reaper by dispassionately eviscerating Chattanooga. Meanwhile Auburn is riding the momentum of a season that has surpassed all expectations and in no way has involved luck and shenanigans.



On the other side of the league, Columbia will be under a microscope as Mizzou controls its own destiny heading into their meeting with the Ags. Cock fans will be pulling hard for the Aggies, as a loss for the Tigers will have them all tied up with South Carolina and Spurrier’s boys have the head to head victory. While there is technically nothing wrong with that sentence, it’s still not something I would feel comfortable repeating in front of my grandma.



Come on Ags, let’s continue the tradition of ruining things for Missouri.



LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY FLETCHER MASSIE

Turkey stats provided by LiveScience.

BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE The team, coaching staff, student body and Association of Former Students is collectively pissed off enough to score an ass-kilogram (that's metric for "shit-ton") of points against Mizzou. Our defense keeps the ball in Johnny's hands for the bulk of the evening. I am still eating leftovers.



WORST CASE 8-4. No defense. No leftovers. I'm forced to attend Black Friday and witness shoppers with better tackling form than the Aggies.



#GBHTAILGATE BY FLETCHER MASSIE

@NickStro66 Oh, you're the Tigers. How original. #GBHTailgate



@ginnjuicegian I dont even care if i pass this 151 exam, i just wanna be on the #GBHTailgate



@stringsays No need to travel to the game for me. I was in a state of misery by about the third quarter against LSU. #GBHTailgate



@Kellie_Lynn2013 Just love me. #GBHTailgate



@Kellie_Lynn2013 Next week on "Eye of the Tiger: A&M Edition" the boys play a round of flag football with Tony, Shere Kahn, Raja, Tigger & Hobbes. #GBHTailgate



@SEC_Logo The day we have a Texas A&M vs. Mizzou conference championship game in Atlanta is the day we kick them both out. #getoffmylawn



@donKsew Maybe we are wearing zebra so that USC can't find Sumlin. #GBHTailgate



@rcb05 How the heck are we supposed to beat Mizzou when it's Big Cat Week on Nat Geo? #GBHTailgate

