Part 5- The gonorrhoea never bothered me anyway

by Nina Windia

Surrounded by the might of the Port Arendelle Guard, Elsa drew her longsword, raising her arm to protect Anna behind her. From beside her, she heard the shh—ing of metal as Kristoff did the same.

"Lay down your weapons. We have you surrounded," said the captain of the guards. "Release the princess!"

Why did Princess Anna want to be kidnapped? Well, Elsa had a few ideas why. But thar`s nay way I be givin' th' lass' up that easily.

So quickly that no one even saw it, Elsa knocked the sharp blade pointed towards her from the captain's hands. It went clattering to the floor. "I dasn't quite think ye understand th' gravity o' th' situation ye find yersef in," she drawled. "Do ye be havin' any idee who exactly ye`re addressin'?"

A flicker of fear shot through the captain's eyes. But it quickly vanished, and he held his head high. "Who, pray tell?" he said.

"Only Captain Eleazer, th' most dreaded worst sea dog ever to sail th' se'en seas," said Elsa, sword raised, a gleam in her eye. "The livin' scourge upon th' land. Plunderer o' booty and killer o' men."

A tremor went through the guards assembled. A murmur went up: "Captain Eleazer?" they said, fear on their lips. "The dreaded Captain Eleazer? Can it really be him?"

But the captain of the guards bravely stepped forward. "You talk big for such a little man. But as you can see-" he raised his hands to the many men around him, "we have you outnumbered, Captain Eleazer. Now hand over the Princess, and we'll think about killing you in a less gruesome manner."

To Kristoff Elsa said quickly, "Tha' raises a point. What happened to th' rest o' th' crew anyway?"

"Drunk as skunks, Cap'n."

"Bloody wonderful," said Elsa.

Well, she reflected, maybe it hadn't been the brightest idea leaving her alcoholic crew in the wine cellar after all...

"No matter! We can take these wretches wi' or without them!" Elsa cried. And she stepped forward and plunged into the orgy of swords.

Her blade erect, she fended off many an attacker. From this way they came, and from that way. Metal crashed and smashed. Elsa let the wretches taste the steel of her sword and the thrust of her blade. A guard that snuck up and tried to take her from behind, she shanked in the liver. Penetrating their defences, she took them head to head and cut the guards down, blood singing for the ecstasy of the fight.

"Cap'n, there be too many o' 'em. Pull out! I'll hold off the rascals here," cried Kristoff, from amidst the fray.

"Shut up Kristoff, ye craven. We can take these bilge rats," said Elsa.

Her blade met against the guard's. He was rubbing her up the wrong way in being particularly stubborn about not dying.

"YAAAAAARRRRRRR!" she cried, poking the wily man through like a juicy kebab skewer.

Yet there was more to come. Another dozen guards ran out onto the balcony, pinning Elsa, Kristoff and Anna into the corner.

Kristoff held his longsword abreast. "Go, Cap'n! Ye need t' take th' princess. I can take these dogs."

Elsa's heart was moved by Kristoff's loyalty. A tear swelled in the corner of her eye. "I fergive ye Kristoff, for drinkin' me rum. And fer calling ye a lard brained screechy gobshyte. T' tell the truth, me heart wasn't in 't."

"There`s nay time fer sentimentality, Cap`n!" said Kristoff.

"Aye..." said Elsa softly.

"Whar's the Cap'n I know and love?" Kristoff said.

"AYE!" Elsa roared. And tears streaming from her eyes, she grabbed Anna by her teeny tied-tight corseted waist, and leapt from the balcony.

Plunging through the undergrowth of the castle garden, Elsa pulled Anna to her quickly as a guard passed by. Stencilled by the leaves of a hydrangea bush, Elsa watched him warily as he met with the captain of the guards.

"Still no sign of the princess?"

"Nothing! We've checked the pantries and the cellars, sir."

"Well keep looking! If that wretched pirate makes off with Princess Anna the King will have my head. The alliance with the Southern Isles will be ruined."

The guard pulled a salute. "Sir!"

When the sound of their footsteps faded, Anna's breath tickled her earlobe. "This way," she said, quick and breathy. "I know a hiding place."

Taking her hand, Elsa followed the soft swooshy silk of her bustle through the undergrowth.

"Down here," Anna murmured.

Hidden behind a cornucopia of twisted vines, which Anna now pulled aside, stood a small secret door, not three foot tall.

Elsa followed Anna inside and found herself stood in a thin dark passageway of mossy flagstones, the smell of damp in her throat. As Anna pulled the door shut, darkness enclosed upon them.

"Wher' be we?" she asked, and her voice echoed.

"In a series of secret passageways. They travel through the whole castle," Anna said.

"And ye found these yersef?" Elsa asked, impressed.

"Well. Let's just say I required some privacy not currently offered to me for certain, ahem, activities."

Elsa could hear the mischief in her voice. Even in the dark, feel the saucy smirk on her face. God, she enjoyed this wench.

How much she'd changed.

"Can we get ou' o' th' castle usin' these passages?"

"Unfortunately, the only places it comes out is down in the cellars and in the tower."

"The south-westerly tower?" asked Elsa.

"Yes, that's the one."

She had an idea. "Let's go," she said.

They were making their way down the darkness of the passageway, stones crumbling at Elsa's feet. And Anna asked: "What's your name? Since I'm pretty sure you're not really a duke."

"You`d be starboard thar, me beauty," Elsa said, and then she paused. "`Tis Eleazer. Captain Eleazer, if ye please."

"Eleazer..." Anna said to herself, sounding thoughtful.

"Now 'tis me turn t' ask ye somethin'. Why do ye want me an' me raggedy crew t' kidnap ye? You`re nay after becomin' a seafarin' hearty, be ye Princess?"

The mischief was gone from Anna's voice. "You heard what that man said in the garden, didn't you? About the alliance with the Southern Isles? That's all I mean to these people. I'm a chess piece for my father to move. I'm sick of it. I want my freedom. And..."

Something caught in Elsa's throat. "And?" she prompted.

"I'm looking for someone," Anna said. "So I asked my father to open the gates for my birthday. I knew it'd be my only chance to get out of the castle." A snicker invaded her voice. "I was actually planning on knocking you unconscious and stealing your clothes, until I found out you were a pirate."

Elsa was so shocked she stopped dead, and Anna walked into her. "You be a devious vixen!" she exclaimed in admiration, adding, "What were ye goin' t' use?"

She heard the clang of something metal, and heavy, as it hit the ground. "Crow bar. I could hide about seven of these beneath this bustle of mine."

Kraken's curse! And to think: she'd worried about Kristoff hitting her with the vase.

"I apologise for using you," Anna said. "It was the only way I could think of. Will you still help me, Eleazer?"

In the dark, all Elsa could see was the whites of Anna's eyes.

"Aye," she said.

To be continued.