Encore: An Elf Questions Santa's Naughty Or Nice System

All Things Considered is taking a break from reality this Christmas to present a work of fiction called "Naughty or Nice." It's a radio drama, brought to us by Jonathan Mitchell of the podcast, "The Truth." An elf, tasked with deciding which children are naughty or nice, begins to question Santa's system.

ARI SHAPIRO, HOST:

Time now for a story that is decidedly not a news story. It's not even a fake news story.

ROBERT SIEGEL, HOST:

It's the story of Spark the elf, a piece of fiction wrought from candy canes and stockings full of coal, a story that comes to us from a small workshop in the far frozen north. Well, it comes from New York City anyway.

SHAPIRO: Producer Jonathan Mitchell makes what he calls movies for your ears. And this movie for your ears is something we're reprising today called "Naughty Or Nice." It begins in an office where some pointy eared workers are poring over videotapes.

(SOUNDBITE OF PODCAST, "THE TRUTH")

OLIVIA SIMONSON: (As Naughty Child) You don't care about...

UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR: (As character) I know you...

SIMONSON: (As Naughty Child) You don't love me. You said if - no.

ELANA FISHBEIN: (As Bell) OK, so we're obviously seeing a class-F temper tantrum.

SIMONSON: (As (As Naughty Child) I hate mashed potatoes.

SETH LIND: (As Spark) F is...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Food.

LIND: (As Spark) Right, food - food-related.

UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR: (As character) Give it...

SIMONSON: (As Naughty Child, shouting).

UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR: (As character) Ow.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) So let's go ahead and click naughty.

SIMONSON: (As Naughty Child) You don't tell me what to do.

LIND: (As Spark) And how do they then - they'll associate that with a present.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) You know, she gets a lump of coal, and you know, she learns from that experience.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

SIMONSON: (As Naughty Child, screaming).

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Click naughty.

LIND: (As Spark) Just like that.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Just like that.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Yeah (laughter). So who do we have next?

LIND: (As Spark) Michael Simmons.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Michael Simmons.

LIND: (As Spark) Also age 8.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Great.

LIND: (As Spark) Tulsa, Okla. - breakfast.

ASHER HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) Get out of here. Get out of here. I'm...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) All right, so I'm going to give this one to you.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Let's see how we do.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) Stop being annoying. You're just a little, annoying brat.

LIND: (As Spark) He looks like he's agitated. He's mad at his sibling.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) I hate you.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) A 20-42.

LIND: (As Spark) Twenty-forty-two...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) That's an I hate you.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) You know, hate's a word that you can't take back.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) When did you get so annoying? What is wrong with you?

BEE HERBSTMAN: (As Michael's Sister) I'm sorry. I said I was...

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) It's already bad. Don't make it worse.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Go up, and we're going to click naughty.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) All right.

LIND: (As Spark) But we have the tapes from the full year and more. We could...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell, laughter) Yeah, if we looked at the tapes for the whole year, you know, we'd be sitting here for a full year.

LIND: (As Spark) So that's just naughty for the whole...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Yeah, I would say so.

LIND: (As Spark) All right, naughty.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) All right then.

LIND: (As Spark) Michael Simmons - naughty.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) You know, I've got a million cases to get through, so I should probably run.

LIND: (As Spark) Oh, sorry. Thank you so much for showing me this stuff. I didn't...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Yeah, you got it.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) So you're all set?

LIND: (As Spark) I think I'm set.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Hey, you like eggnog?

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Well, a bunch of the elves are going down to the Red Nose at around 8, so maybe I'll see you there.

LIND: (As Spark) Oh, seriously? Thank you so much for including me.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Yeah, you got it. All right. Well, if you need anything, let me know.

LIND: (As Spark) OK, 8 o'clock, Red Nose.

(SOUNDBITE OF BOBBY HELMS SONG, "JINGLE BELL ROCK")

LOUIS KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) This one who I was watching earlier today decided to feed all of his Ritalin to his fox terrier, and when the dog started flipping out, his mom had to take him over to the veterinarian's office. The kid tore all the way through his sister's bedroom, and he took a leak in her toy chest.

ELI ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) Oh, my God.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Wow, that is layer-upon-layer.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Well, we'll see how he feels on the morning of the 25th.

ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) Oh, yeah.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) We'll see what's funny then.

ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) Oh, yeah, naughty stamp all the way.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Yeah, I mean that's early stage psychopathic behavior right there. I couldn't get over it.

LIND: (As Spark) I saw today a older brother, younger sister, and they were just nice the whole time. So you know, I thought, phew, at any point they could have...

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Bartender...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell, laughter).

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) ...Are you milking down these eggnogs?

(LAUGHTER)

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Spark...

LIND: (As Spark) I mean, yeah - no, but I - but the point is I was relieved 'cause...

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) No, you'll get a good one soon. Don't worry.

LIND: (As Spark) Well, here's - do they - do the kids actually know we're watching them all the time?

ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) Oh, yeah, right?

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Of course. It's in the song, right?

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Yeah.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) He sees you when you're sleeping he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good. It's right there.

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah, I just wonder. What if we give the parents more input? They're with these kids all the time. They can weigh in.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Oh, the parents...

ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) The parents are naughtier than the kids half the time.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) And they're not going to be objective. I'll tell you that...

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Nope.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) ...Especially when they're getting free presents from Santa.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Yeah.

LIND: (As Spark) But their input seems like it would be invaluable to make this, like, a slightly more scientific process because...

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Spark, Spark, Spark, you want to make this job harder than it is?

LIND: (As Spark) No, I don't.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) I mean what are we talking...

LIND: (As Spark) No, not at all. I just am surprised that the system...

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Do yourself a favor. Don't over-think this too much, all right? You got yourself a nice, cushy job over here. I mean you want to sacrifice all that to go back to the toy factory?

LIND: (As Spark) No, no, I...

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) You want to shovel Rudolph's dung?

LIND: (As Spark) No, definitely not.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) All right, so...

LIND: (As Spark) I'm glad to be here.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) Hey, it's an honor for all of us to be here. Just relax. Enjoy yourself, all right? Let's raise a...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Welcome, welcome.

LIND: (As Spark) Cheers, thanks.

ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) Oh, yeah.

KORNFELD: (As First Elf In Bar) All right, everyone give me a dollar for the jukebox.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) All right.

ITZKOWITZ: (As Second Elf In Bar) That's on me.

GREGORY JONES: (As Michael's Dad) That's not funny. You think it's funny. You're not going to think it's funny in a second, Mister, because you are an annoying little kid who has nothing to do but annoy his dad when his dad is trying to do work.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Is that Michael Simmons? We watched that yesterday.

LIND: (As Spark) Yes, this is Michael Simmons. Thank you for stopping by because I was going to show this to you.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Yeah, we marked him naughty).

LIND: (As Spark) We did mark him naughty. But I went back, and I rewound the tape, and I watched the footage from the morning before. And this is going to blow your mind. Watch this.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Did you get annoying from my side or your mom's side?

LIND: (As Spark) OK, so this is the dad. Watch what he says.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Michael, what is wrong with you?

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) I - it was an accident.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Don't make it worse. It's already bad. Don't make it worse.

LIND: (As Spark) Do you hear what he said there? Does that ring a bell because...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) It's not your job to be re-watching these. That's why we have guys that check it twice next door.

LIND: (As Spark) Right.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) They check the list twice.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Between all of us, we're going to find out who's naughty and nice.

LIND: (As Spark) OK, but I just got worried because if they didn't rewind all the way and happen to catch that - like, with this way, I've marked, you know...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) If we don't know by the 15th who's naughty or nice, there are going to be nice kids that are missing out on Christmas presents, and that's a problem.

LIND: (As Spark) OK, right, I'm sorry.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) This is Christmas.

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Enjoy yourself.

LIND: (As Spark) Thanks, Bell. Merry Christmas.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

LIND: (As Spark) Hey, Dad, it's Spark.

ED HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Spark, hey, how are you? How's my big shot elf?

LIND: (As Spark) I'm good.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Sitting there, making all your naughty-nice decisions, office down the hall from Santa himself.

LIND: (As Spark) Well, it's not, like, right next to Santa, but...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Well, you're up there. You're in an office, Kiddo. You don't punch a clock, do you?

LIND: (As Spark) Salaryman.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Well, I'm proud of you. What's going on?

LIND: (As Spark) I don't know. I - can I - Dad, can I ask, like, a little bit of a weird question?

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Yes.

LIND: (As Spark) When I was little, I remember being, like, pretty bad.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Like a bad elf?

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah, I remember misbehaving and...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Oh yeah, yeah. That was you.

LIND: (As Spark) But...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) What a turnaround, huh?

LIND: (As Spark) I guess, but I remember getting Christmas presents every year.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Oh, well, you know, you were mostly good. I mean even if you didn't deserve them - still love you

LIND: (As Spark) See, this is - I don't want to complain about this job, but I'm sitting there all day - look at, like, 30 seconds of video of a kid. And then they're breathing down my neck to make an instant decision. Like, this kid's naughty; this kid's nice. And...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) You'll get good at it.

LIND: (As Spark) It - listen; no, it's...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Somebody's got to make the call.

LIND: (As Spark) I don't know. I really don't think this how Santa would want it to run.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) OK, yeah, well, you need to talk to Santa.

LIND: (As Spark) Right, oh, hey, Santa - just need an hour of your time.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Oh, no, no. You know, once he came to the toy factory, talked to every single worker.

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) That's not how he wants things - where you can't say anything. He's a very jolly man, but he's very reasonable.

LIND: (As Spark) Dad, he has layers of managers. I've literally never run into him in the elevator. I don't...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) Talk to Santa. He'll fix it.

LIND: (As Spark) Talk to Santa.

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) And when you talk to him...

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah...

HERBSTMAN: (As Dad) You've got to remember everything, and then I want you to tell me everything that he said.

LIND: (As Spark, laughter) OK.

Hi, I put in for a meeting with Santa today.

SHAINA FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) OK, great. And you are...

LIND: (As Spark) I'm Spark, Spark Elgusa (ph).

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) Excellent, so what we're going to do is I'm going to alert your department as soon as there's an opening to meet with Santa.

LIND: (As Spark) I really need to meet with him today, so I don't mind waiting.

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) I'm sure that Santa is dying to meet with you as well, but...

LIND: (As Spark, laughter) OK.

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) He's just super-duper busy with all the children's wish lists.

LIND: (As Spark) What if I just sit down on the couch? And as soon as he pops out, that's - oh.

KEVIN CRAGG: (As Coal Lobbyist) Thank you.

TOM LIGON: (As Santa) Thanks for coming by.

CRAGG: (As Coal Lobbyist) Remember; the magic number is 2,000 tons.

LIGON: (As Santa) And have a merry Christmas.

CRAGG: (As Coal Lobbyist) If this works out, we'll all have a merry Christmas.

LIGON: (As Santa) Ho, ho, ho.

LIND: (As Spark) Excuse me, Santa. Who was that with Santa?

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) He happens to be the most influential lobbyist for the coal industry and a very, very good friend of Santa's.

LIND: (As Spark) Coal lobbyist...

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) Oh, good news - I see an opening on Santa's calendar in July.

LIGON: (As Spark) July?

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) How does 5 a.m. work for you, Spark?

LIND: (As Spark) It does not work for me. You know how many months away that is?

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) If you want to get in here any earlier, you're going to have to sit on Santa's lap.

LIND: (As Spark) Huh.

FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) Just kidding.

WILLY APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) All crew on sleigh six. I need all my mall elves on the sleigh now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

LIND: (As Spark) I'm just getting on sleigh six. I'm on the mall crew.

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) You're not on my mall crew.

LIND: (As Spark) Right. I'm just a - I'm a trainee.

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) There are no trainees on the mall crew.

LIND: (As Spark) They might just not have gotten the paperwork down to you, but...

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) Listen, Buddy - you think this is a game?

LIND: (As Spark) No.

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) You ever been to a mall with kids who are drinking hot cocoa, eating candy and they're about to meet the most important man in the world?

LIND: (As Spark) Well, not in person, but...

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) Well, you have no idea what you are in for.

LIND: (As Spark) Listen. I got a candy cane I don't need, and it could be your candy cane if I just get on that sleigh.

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) Got any chocolate?

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

APPELMAN: (As Mall Crew Leader) On express sleigh number six to the mall - we're going to the mall, elves.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC, CROSSTALK)

KATIE CORR: (As Girl In Department Store) Mommy, there's an elf in front of us. He's a elf...

KERRY KASTIN: (As Mom In Department Store) I know. Are you excited to see Santa and tell him everything you want?

CORR: (As Girl In Department Store) ...Right in front of us.

KASTIN: (As Mom In Department Store) Katie, that's not very nice.

CORR: (As Girl In Department Store) He has big ears.

KASTIN: (As Mom In Department Store) That's very not nice.

LIND: (As Spark) Zip it, Kid.

CORR: (As Girl In Department Store) Where's your parents?

LIND: (As Spark) Hmm?

CORR: (As Girl In Department Store) Where's your parents?

LIND: (As Spark) I'm an orphan, OK - you happy now?

KASTIN: (As Mom In Department Store) Katie, you say you're sorry.

CORR: (As Girl In Department Store) Sorry.

LIGON: (As Santa) Where's the next one?

PHOEBE TYERS: (As Daisy) Next child.

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah, that's me.

TYERS: (As Daisy) Spark, is that you?

LIND: (As Spark) No.

TYERS: (As Daisy) Spark Elgusa, what are you doing dressed like that?

LIND: (As Spark) Please just let me through.

TYERS: (As Daisy) Spark, you should be back at the North Pole. They need you.

LIND: (As Spark) I know. I wouldn't be here if it weren't important. Please just tell him it's a little boy.

TYERS: (As Daisy) Absolutely not, Spark. I cannot do that. I mean this is Santa Claus. This is my job.

LIGON: (As Santa) Santa's got an empty lap here.

TYERS: (As Daisy) I have to keep this line moving.

LIND: (As Spark) Daisy (ph), this is bigger than both of us, OK?

TYERS: (As Daisy) Santa, this is an elf. He's not supposed to be here, and he is leaving now.

LIGON: (As Santa) Oh, no, no. We got an empty Santa lap here. Come on.

LIND: (As Spark) Thank you.

LIGON: (As Santa) You've been a nice little elf all year long.

LIND: (As Spark) I've tried to be good, but...

LIGON: (As Santa) Come on up here.

LIND: (As Spark) It's actually - that's - oh, that's so comfy.

LIGON: (As Santa) Ho, ho, ho.

LIND: (As Spark) So, Santa, this isn't actually about me or any present for me or anything.

LIGON: (As Santa) Oh.

LIND: (As Spark) I actually work in the naughty or nice division.

LIGON: (As Santa) Oh.

LIND: (As Spark) I'm new, and I just started learning the system. And I am so surprised and worried about how it works.

LIGON: (As Santa) Is there a problem with the new infrared cameras?

LIND: (As Spark) Those are just fine, actually. They work well, particularly at night. But the problem is not with the technology. The problem is the system itself.

LIGON: (As Santa) Oh.

LIND: (As Spark) You know, I and all the other elves in that division - we spend our whole day watching the surveillance videos of these kids...

LIGON: (As Santa) Of course.

LIND: (As Spark) ...Pushing the naughty button or the nice button.

LIGON: (As Santa) Ho, ho, ho.

LIND: (As Spark) Can I just ask? How do you tell?

LIGON: (As Santa) You have to look at the child. And the child is either naughty or nice.

LIND: (As Spark) But here's the thing. They're all nice and naughty. Every kid is both.

LIGON: (As Santa) I see.

LIND: (As Spark) Life is nuanced, right? And we're reducing it to this yes-or-no thing, and that's - what is that teaching kids?

LIGON: (As Santa) I see the problem here.

LIND: (As Spark) You do?

LIGON: (As Santa) Yes, and you are a very perceptive little elf.

LIND: (As Spark) Really?

LIGON: (As Santa) Bring me my mobile phone.

LIND: (As Spark) You can fix this?

LIGON: (As Santa) Yes, I can - ho, ho, ho.

LIND: (As Spark) I knew that...

LIGON: (As Santa) Ho, ho, ho.

LIND: (As Spark) Santa, it's just an honor to even talk to you.

LIGON: (As Santa) Merry Christmas to you.

LIND: (As Spark) Merry Christmas, Santa.

LIGON: (As Santa) Merry Christmas.

LIND: (As Spark) Merry Christmas.

LIGON: (As Santa) Ho, ho, ho.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Hi, Spark. Can you have a seat? Thank you for coming in.

LIND: (As Spark) Sure, what's up?

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Well, we got a call from Santa yesterday.

LIND: (As Spark) That doesn't surprise me because I met with Santa yesterday, and it turns out that he is not pleased with how the naughty or nice system is being implemented.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Tomorrow you are going to report to toy factory 19.

LIND: (As Spark) No, but I just met with Santa yesterday, and he said that...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) OK, well, there are 50 million children in the United States alone, and if we spend all of our time poring over the nuances for each individual child, we'll never get through our list.

LIND: (As Spark) Of course we have to think about the nuances. How else could we make these judgments?

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) See, Spark, you don't trust your instincts. In this department, we need elves who can trust their instincts.

LIND: (As Spark) Trust - I trusted that the system was fair, and now I don't because I've seen inside it. And it's just a bunch of flawed elves watching a bunch of flawed people deciding who's actually flawed and who's...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) We can't let kids go without consequences. If we do that, they'll grow up to be monsters. We are here to teach kids a lesson.

LIND: (As Spark) I saw a Santa meet with a coal lobbyist.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) Well, Spark, that's his job. Do you know how much cheaper a piece of coal is than a toy? Think about it. It's just the economics of Christmas.

LIND: (As Spark) Cheaper than a toy - that means...

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) I heard you sat on Santa's lap.

LIND: (As Spark) Yes because he said I could, and he was nice. And it was soft.

FISHBEIN: (As Bell) I need you to hand in your access card. You'll have time to gather your personal items, your slippers, whatever you need. But tomorrow you're going to report to toy factory 19.

PAT MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Green, red, red, green, red, green, green, green, green - Spark, are you paying attention?

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah, I'm watching, yeah.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Take hold, Buddy.

LIND: (As Spark) OK.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) It's up to you.

LIND: (As Spark) All right - red, red, red, red, green, red, red...

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Beautiful, beautiful, you're done; you're done - OK.

LIND: (As Spark) Thank you.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) See; just let yourself get into a rhythm, and that's it. That's the whole job.

LIND: (As Spark) So just one question I guess. What happens if I pull the wrong cable?

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Just pull the right cable. That's the whole job.

LIND: (As Spark) Yeah, I get that, but I mean if just by accident...

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Remember; green cable - pre-assigned gifts, red cable - coal.

LIND: (As Spark) Red cable - coal, yeah (laughter).

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) So just do the job.

LIND: (As Spark) I know, but if I accidentally were to pull the wrong one...

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) A good kid would get a piece of coal.

LIND: (As Spark) Or a bad kid gets a present.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Don't do that.

LIND: (As Spark) Oh, right, right. I will not (laughter).

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Listen; you're the last line between the gifts and the kids, OK? If you put in the wrong thing, the kids are going to feel it.

LIND: (As Spark) Right, I will not pull the wrong cable by accident. And these boxes are wide open. Anything could fall in there, right?

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Yeah, just don't let that happen.

LIND: (As Spark) Right, I will...

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Just coal or a gift - that's it.

LIND: (As Spark) I will certainly not let anything fall in by accident.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Welcome aboard, Spark.

LIND: (As Spark) Thank you.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Keep it up. Keep smiling.

LIND: (As Spark) Thank you.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) And stay away from the conveyor belt.

LIND: (As Spark) Yes.

MAY: (As Elf In Factory) Elf jelly.

LIND: (As Spark, laughter) OK, thanks.

(SOUNDBITE OF JAMES PIERPONT SONG, "JINGLE BELLS")

LIGON: (As Santa) Merry Christmas - ho, ho, ho.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael's Sister) It's Michael's turn.

MELANIE HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) Oh, Honey, he doesn't have anything under the tree. It's all over.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) Here's one for me.

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) What?

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Really?

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) It says, from Santa.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Wow.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael's Sister) What is it?

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) It's just what I wanted.

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) What?

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Wow, that's...

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) Wow.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) And it's 2.0. It's the newest one.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Yeah, that's something.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) It just came out.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael's Sister) Is it sparkly?

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael Simmons) Oh, my God, yes, it's sparkly. Don't you see it? And it's blue. Oh, my God.

HERBSTMAN: (As Michael's Sister) How do you work it?

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) You did it.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Are you kidding me?

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) You did it.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Why would I do it?

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) I have no idea, but it was very sweet.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) I didn't.

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) He's so happy.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) I'm telling you.

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) Well, you - I didn't.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) Honey, I didn't do it.

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) OK, I didn't do it either.

JONES: (As Michael's Dad) You did.

HOOPES: (As Michael's Mom) Then - OK, then now it's creepy.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SANTA CLAUS IS BACK IN TOWN")

BRIAN SETZER: (Singing) You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.

SIEGEL: This is ALL THINGS CONSIDERED from NPR News. I'm Robert Siegel, and that was our Christmas story "Naughty Or Nice." It was produced by Jonathan Mitchell. He wrote it along with Seth Lind. Lind played the part of Spark the elf. The story came to us from the podcast "The Truth," part of the Radiotopia network from PRX.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SANTA CLAUS IS BACK IN TOWN")

SETZER: (Singing) He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so you better be good, better be good, better be good. Don't shout. Don't cry.

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