Grit Happens

(Open on an all-black screen. The following quote appears:

"Grit is the grain of character. It may generally be described as heroism materialized, spirit and will thrust into heart, brain, and backbone, so as to form part of the physical substance of the man."

- Edwin Percy Whipple)

(Cut to various rooms in the inside of a cozy home. A bedroom, a living room, a kitchen. It's dead silent aside from a ticking wall clock. Cut to two fuzzy orange hands holding a piece of paper, slightly trembling. The paper reads: "Lung Cancer: POSITIVE". Cut to a zoom-out to see the full image of Gritty sitting at his dining room table holding the paper. He takes a long drag from his Newport and exhales, basically sighing. Gritty's older brother, The Philly Phanatic, enters through the front door with a full plastic bag from Wawa.)

Phanatic: yo! I picked you up a hoagie!

Gritty: (monotone) cool, thanks.

Phanatic: (enters the dining room. He notices Gritty with the paper and his depressed look) ...what's the matter? (Holds out the hoagie) You want this jawn?

(Gritty exhales another cig cloud and slides the paper in front of Phanatic)

Phanatic: oh. Fuck.

Gritty: yup. This fuckin' sucks.

Phanatic: well, what did the doctor say? How much time do you have left?

Gritty: I don't know. I beat the shit out of the doctor when he told me. The staff ran in and knocked me out with elephant tranquilizer. Then they dropped me off at the front door with this paper. When I woke up, I sat down in here, read it over and over again, and that's basically when you walked in.

Phanatic: damn, man. We gotta work on your anger.

(Gritty slams his fist down on the table and snarls at the Phanatic)

Phanatic: (through nervous laughter) or… not… so what're you gonna do? You gonna get treatment?

Gritty: no! I'm not gonna waste away in a hospital. I'm gonna make the most out of the time I have left. I'm gonna make…

(Stares directly into the camera)

Gritty: a bucket list.

(The title "GRIT HAPPENS" slams onto the screen while "3 Knives" by Code Orange blasts. To make sure the audience understands why this song was chosen, we cut to the band playing the song and flash the words "THE NAME OF THIS BAND IS CODE ORANGE AND GRITTY IS ORANGE TOO AS WELL ALSO" for 0.02 seconds on the screen.)

(Cut scene to Gritty walking towards his boss's office at a large financial firm. Gritty is quite the Dapper Dan in his big boy suit, isn't he? He's still wearing the hockey helmet with the full suit which is a vibe. Gritty is orange and so is his necktie. An arrow points to the tie with the word "ORANGE" next to it. Gritty knocks on his boss's door. Steve Buscemi answers the door)

Steve Buscemi: ah, Gritty! My favorite financial analyst! You got those reports I asked for?

Gritty: (twiddling his thumbs nervously) well, umm... no, sir. I actually have something important to discuss.

Steve Buscemi: oh my! I hope it's nothing too serious. Please, take a seat. Nice orange tie, by the way. (Looks into the fucking camera) it matches the color of your fur!

Gritty: thanks, sir. Well… as you know, I've been working here for several years as a financial analyst whenever I'm not busy with hockey season.

Steve Buscemi: of course! You're a financial analyst!

Gritty: right. I am a financial analyst. Anyway, I'm sorry but I have to quit. Yesterday, I went to the doctor and I found out I have cancer. I've decided to live the rest of my days out in full and I just can't do that being chained to a desk.

Steve Buscemi: oh no! Gritty, this is terrible! I'm so sorry to hear that. You're a great financial analyst with high praise from both your peers and our clients. You take as much time as you need and, hell, if you kick this thing, we'll always keep the door open for you to come back to your job as a financial analyst.

Gritty: thanks, Steve Buscemi. It was great being a financial analyst here.

(They shake hands and stare into the camera for way too long. Someone yells "cut!" before it switches to the next scene. That must have slipped through editing. An all-black screen appears with the following multiple choice question:

"What job did Gritty have during the hockey offseason?

Waiter

Cashier

Financial Analyst

Janitor")

(Cut to Gritty back at his house writing out his bucket list on a piece of paper. The Phanatic enters)

Phanatic: hey, man. How's the list coming?

Gritty: (packs a lip of orange-flavored dip. Gritty is orange and so is the flavor of his dip) pretty good. I still have a few to write out. It's crazy to realize how much you haven't done in 40 years of life until you really list it out. You just get off of work?

(The Phanatic is busy changing out of his Phillies jersey and into a white undershirt with some light stains all over it. He lights his black and mild)

Phanatic: yea. Just got off the Septa. Crazy ballgame today. They lost again. But we're close to the wild-card spot. By the way, what's with the dip? I've never seen you chew dip?

Gritty: oh. Yea. Trying to take myself off the cigs. Anything to help myself out at this point. You can have the rest of my Newports if you'd like.

Phanatic: bet. So, listen, let's get outta Delco tonight and head up to the city for a night out, man. Just to forget about this depressing cancer shit for a while. Get you outta the house for a bit.

Gritty: I could be up for that. Let me make a few calls to get the boys together.

("Kill the Creator" by Code ORANGE plays over Gritty, The Phanatic, Swoop from the Eagles, and Franklin from the Sixers all getting sloppy drunk at Gritty's house before the Uber even shows up. Code Orange is actually there playing the song in the corner of Gritty's living room with a big orange neon sign hanging above them that reads "CODE ORANGE BECAUSE GRITTY IS ORANGE". The Phanatic does a line of coke with his snout and when he looks up from it, his party horn tongue rolls out uncontrollably. Franklin does a keg stand. Gritty chugs a full vodka handle and smashes it on the back of Swoop's head. They all cheer. Swoop stands up on the kitchen counter and starts flapping his wings. The rest of the fellas cheer him on until Swoop launches himself through Gritty's dining room table where it shatters to pieces. They all start screaming and putting it on their Snapchat stories. The doorbell rings and Gritty answers. It's Keggy the Keg from Dartmouth. Gritty smiles when he sees Keggy but his smile keeps growing and growing, revealing Gritty's 5 rows of razor-sharp teeth. Keggy turns around and tries to run away but Gritty tackles him and sinks two of his largest fangs into Keggy's neck. Gritty drains all of Keggy's blood, which is basically Keystone Light, then kicks his empty body into the backyard. The Uber rolls up and Gritty, who just freshly murdered someone, tells the boys to chug the rest of their beers, which of course they do. They all sprint out to the Uber, giggling and throwing their empty beer cans at it. Gritty is orange and so is the Uber. The Uber driver, upon seeing them, tries to speed away but Gritty plants his feet firmly on the road and holds onto the back bumper so the Uber's tires just start spinning and burning rubber while it stays in place. They all get in. They head up to Philly. They stop at all the popular bars in Center City. At each one, Gritty lays down on the bar, placing his head directly under the Coors Light tap and opens his mouth. He tugs on the bartender's shirt and points to his open mouth. The bartender smiles and shakes his head in an "oh, Gritty" manner then just pulls the tap, sending the precious Rocky Mountain nectar directly down Gritty's throat. It's the Grittywide special. The fellas absolutely tear up the dance floor. The Phanatic starts swinging his tummy around, knocking people out of the way in the center of the floor, where Gritty launches into a full breakdance routine, spinning on his head/hockey helmet while Franklin dabs and Swoop does the worm. Everyone watching fucking loves it. Gritty rips his shirt off and reveals he has nipple tassels on and he starts swinging 'em around at helicopter propeller speed. He actually levitates off the ground for a little while haha. He takes off the tassels and throws them to the crowd where everyone fights over them. Gritty gets like 20 girls' numbers. My dude is def gonna get laid. The boys then head over to Delilah's and get lap dances. We zoom into Gritty's face while he gets his lap dance and his googly eyes are spinning around wildly. Cut to everyone ripping a round of shots. After Gritty knocks his back, the screen cuts to black.)

(Gritty wakes up to the sound of banging pots and pans. They sound like explosions in his head thanks to his vicious hangover. Gritty's googly eyes start rattling around while he covers his ears and screams)

Gritty: ah fuck! Stop!

(The banging stops)

Gritty: Jesus Christ! Where the fuck-?

(Gritty stops, realizing he is in his uncle's house. Gritty's uncle, Danny DeVito, throws the pots and pans at Gritty's head)

Danny: wake up, you asshole! You know how much it cost me to pay your bail?!

Gritty: wait what?

Danny: I should wring your neck, you prick!

(Danny DeVito lunges at Gritty)

Gritty: Uncky, wait! I don't know what happened! Please, I have the worst hangover of all time. Just slow down and tell me what happened while I make myself puke.

(Gritty stumbles lazily over to the bathroom and sticks a finger down his throat. Gritty is orange and so is his vomit)

Gritty: (staring into the camera with the vomit dripping off his shitty chin, completely deadpan monotone) I'm orange and so is my vomit. My vomit and I are the same color right now.

(Camera cuts to another angle filming the crew and someone holding the cue card of that line for Gritty)

Danny: you really don't remember a thing, Gritty? Christ almighty…

(Flashback to Gritty the night before. We see him stumbling up to Pat's Cheesesteaks completely faded. Oh god, he's been hitting that reefer and powder again. Franklin, Swoop, and the Phanatic all yell at Gritty from the Uber they took to get there.)

Franklin: yo, get me a whiz wit!

Phanatic: yo, same!

Swoop: whiz witout!

(Gritty makes it to the counter limp-walking with only one eye open)

Cashier: oh fuck me, Gritty, you're fucked!

Gritty: hehe gimme uhhh… WHIZ!

(Gritty whips his orange dick out and starts pissing all over the front of Pat's. To be clear, this is meant to be an artful scene and not vulgar so this should be done very tastefully when Gritty hangs brain here. Cut back to Uncle Danny and Gritty)

Danny: and that's when the cops came and arrested you. Your friends and that brother of yours didn't have the money to bail you out so they called me. You're all fucked you know that?

Gritty: (holding his head in pain) yea yea ok I'll get you the money back. No problem. Just give me a few days.

Danny: alright. I love you, nephew. You're my godson and all but this shit has gotta stop. Now get the fuck outta here, huh?

(Cut to Gritty riding the Septa train back to his house. When he gets to the front door, his landlord walks up to meet him. His landlord is very Italian, as you can tell from the entire pizza pie he is eating, his Italian accent, and his shirt that says "Kiss Me. I'm Very Italian.")

Gritty: oh what now?

Landlord: you're late on rent you sonofabitch.

Gritty: sorry, fam. I've just lost track of time, alright? I just found out I'm really sick and I got arrested last night. It's been hell. I'll get it to you by the end of the day. (turns his back on the landlord to unlock his door)

Landlord: you're a week late! You get it to me now!

(The landlord throws his pizza crust at the back of Gritty's head. Gritty stops and slowly turns around. The landlord goes wide-eyed in fear)

Landlord: e-easy now, Grit. I-I-I didn't mean it. You just g-g-get me that m-money whenever.

(Gritty smacks the pizza pie out of the landlord's hands onto the ground. He grabs the landlord by the back of the head and repeatedly slams his face into the pizza.)

Gritty: (in a Brooklyn accent for no reason) eat it! Eat that pizza, you muddafucka you!

(The landlord starts crying in pain and regret. He takes his phone out to call the police. Gritty swipes the phone from his hand and takes a look at the screen. The landlord's lock screen is of him, his beautiful wife, and two adorable children all smiling. Gritty shrugs his shoulders and eats the phone.)

Gritty: (belches) mmm yummy!

(Gritty rubs his tummy smiling and goes into his house. The Phanatic is sitting in the living room drinking a Wawa coffee and smoking a bong.)

Gritty: I saw Uncle Dan today. Well, he was the one who bailed me outta jail but yeah.

Phanatic: haha classic (takes a sip of his coffee) how's he doing by the way, that old fuck?

Gritty: fine I guess. He seemed pretty upset though.

(Phanatic takes a huge bong rip. He holds it in for a while then exhales. His party horn tongue rolls out.)

Phanatic: oh! Your doctor called earlier. He said you need to call him back right away. Something about "new findings" in your screening results.

(Gritty immediately pulls out his cell phone and dials in his doctor's number. It rings a couple times then Doctor McGillicuddy answers)

Dr. McGillicuddy: Gritty, I have something important to discuss with you. I took another look over your cancer screening results and noticed that you actually don't have lung cancer…

Gritty: oh fuck you! I've been worried fuckin' sick over here, huh?!

Dr. McGillicuddy: let me finish! You don't have lung cancer… you're actually a dying meme.

Gritty: haha bullshit. I'm a god in this town. Also does this mean I can smoke Newports again?

Dr. McGillicuddy: haha yea bruh spark up. Look, you had a good run, Gritty. But this happens to all good memes. Memes have a few months, or if you're lucky, a few years, of relevancy then they die. A new one will take your place. There's only one way to stop this but it's… just wrong.

Gritty: you better tell me what it is right now before I drive down to that hospital and beat you shapeless.

Dr. McGillicuddy: ok ok! The one known cure… is to murder and drink the blood of a fresh new meme.

Gritty: so what the hell does that mean? I gotta wait for a new meme to come along? I might not have that much time. And I don't know if I could even go that far and actually KILL someone.

(Cut to Keggy's body in Gritty's backyard for a full minute of runtime. Cut back to scene.)

Dr. McGillicuddy: look, Gritty. Things are gonna be rough for the next few months. And they're not gonna get better. The most you can do right now is try to just stay as relevant as you can. Try some new skits in the stadium, stay up on twitter trends, just anything to keep your spirits up and keep people's attention away from any new memes. Don't let your fans get tired of you.

Gritty: (defeated) you're right. I'll try my best. (Hangs up)

Phanatic: everything alright?

Gritty: I need to finish the bucket list.

(Cut scene to a montage of Gritty at his desk, working on his bucket list, while sweating under the heat from his desk lamp. His frustration keeps building as he scratches some things out, punching the desk, or crumpling up pieces of paper and slapshotting them across the room into a corner trash can. The song playing through this montage is "You and You Alone" by Code Orange. Gritty scribbles on a piece of paper and holds it up to the camera to show a drawing of stick figures with instruments and Gritty himself with the words "THiNgs THat R orANgE" at the bottom. The Phanatic, in the meantime, is super high and swiping right constantly on Tinder. Every swipe is a match because the Phanatic gets pussy. Gritty enters the living room. The music pauses abruptly.)

Gritty: it's done.

(Gritty holds up the list. It's glowing with white light while a choir belts out a sustained high note. The close-up of the list shows the header, in Gritty's handwriting: "BuKit LiST :)" and the K is backwards in "BuKit")

(Cut to Septa Headquarters in Philly. Not really sure what building that is in the city but let's just say it's a really tall skyscraper. If anything, we'll just choose a really tall skyscraper and get a shot of it with the words "Septa HQ" written on a post-it note attached to one of the top floor windows. That should work. Anyway, we cut to a large board room where all the Septa executives are meeting and talkin' classic Philly slang.)

Executive #1: where's that intern with our steaks? I wanted my whiz wit hours ago! I need lunch! I can't just live off wooder.

Executive #2: E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! Haha jawns.

Executive #3: ok, listen up. We had this application sent into us yesterday for the open transportation expert position. The guy's name is... Thomas Something-Or-Other. But anyway, he's coming in for an interview today. He'll be here in... (looks at phone) oh! He's here now. Let me go bring him in.

(Cut to Executive #3, who I should mention is played by Adam Sandler, is now sitting in a small office across a desk from Thomas the Tank Engine. Check out Thomas's tie; it has tiny trains on it! It's a little out of place with his backwards Phillies cap and chinstrap beard, though. Thomas is smoking a Camel Crush but every time he takes a pull, the exhale smoke comes out his top stack.)

Adam Sandler: so, Mister… Tank, is it?

Thomas: (toots his train horn)

Adam Sandler: right, ok. What makes you think you can work here for Septa?

Thomas: (takes a drag of his Camel Crush) ya know, gotta pay the rent. It's been tough for old-timers like myself to find a job these days. Everybody wants a shiny, sleek train to take them from place to place. Nobody puts faith in the underdog anymore. That's why I think Philly is the right place for me. It's a city that embraces the underdog. And when the city believes in the underdog, the underdog delivers. I wanna be the next great Septa train, taking people from place to place. I got my bad bitches Annie and Clarabel waiting to go out in the lobby. You just say the word and they'll give anyone a ride, if ya know what I'm saying...

Adam Sandler:

Thomas:

Adam Sandler:

Thomas: ...they're passenger coaches.

Adam Sandler: oh, bet. Haha ok. Thought we were talking about something different there for a second haha.

Thomas: no yeah they're pretty slutty too.

(Cut scene to Thomas walking out of the Septa HQ building with his head down, defeated. He spits out his Camel Crush and puts it out with his front wheel. He waves down a taxi and gets a ride home. When he gets out, he slumbers up the steps to his townhouse in Manayunk. The mailbox by the front door is a bust of Sir Topham Hatt's head where you put the mail in his mouth. Thomas sighs as he takes the keys to his front door out his pocket and unlocks the door. He rolls inside slowly and sees his wife, played by Roseanne, sitting on the living room couch watching Family Guy. He can smell the Skoal on her breath from the front door.)

Roseanne: (spits) it's your turn to wash the fuckin' dishes, slut

Thomas: (sighs) yes, dear

(Thomas the Tank Engine chugs slowly into the kitchen and gets to washing the dishes. An arrow points to him as he rolls along that says "ICYMI: Thomas the Tank Engine")

Roseanne: (from the living room) did you get the job, you lazy fuckin' bitch?

(Thomas stops washing and smashes a plate against the wall, frustrated)

Thomas: no, dammit! Don't you get it? Nobody wants an old locomotive to take them places anymore. Everybody is riding on those shiny Septa trains but when ol' Tommy T. Tank comes rolling along, they all ignore me. I'm sick of it!

Roseanne: so what're you gonna do?

Thomas: (sighs) I'm gonna go to the bar and get shitfaced.

(Cut to Gritty and the Phanatic looking over the bucket list together)

Phanatic: so… #1 seems a little adventurous

(Cut to a screen that reads "BuKit LiST #1" then cut again to Gritty on a tv show set. It's the set of Young Sheldon. There is a live studio audience waiting for the filming to start so they can all laugh their asses off since this show is very actually so fuckin' funny and silly. The Phanatic has a front row seat. Gritty walks up to the Phanatic)

Gritty: I'm nervous as shit. I've smoked a whole pack already trying to calm my nerves.

Phanatic: don't you have lung cancer?

Gritty: no, I'm just slowly dying or whatever. I keep forgetting that part of this plot.

Phanatic: oh right.

Gritty: ya know, #1 on the list was technically "star in an action movie" but this is good enough I guess. I've never watched Young Sheldon though. What's the premise of this show?

Phanatic: oh don't worry about it. It sucks.

Gritty: hmm.

(Cut to the scene being filmed for Young Sheldon. The setting is the family living room. It opens on Young Sheldon, seated upon a couch, watching a science show on TV. Papa Sheldon enters with Gritty behind the couch. Gritty is orange and so is the shirt he's wearing that says "It Me. I am the Uncle.")

Papa Sheldon: Young Sheldon, meet your Uncle Gritty!

Studio Audience: oooh…

Gritty: (nervously staring around at all the cameras, then in monotone) uhh… yeah… hey there, nephew. Uhh… watcha watching?

(Young Sheldon twists his head 180 degrees while his neck bones snap and crackle to look at Gritty. His eyes are completely black.)

Young Sheldon: (in five different voice pitches) oh, ya know, just some science stuff. I love science and math and I am very smart.

Gritty: (breaking character, looking into the damn camera) is… is he ok?

Young Sheldon: yes. I am fine. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga.

Studio Audience: hahahahahaha

Gritty: I don't think I understand this show.

Studio Audience: awww

(Young Sheldon turns his head the remaining 180 degrees to face the TV again. He shrieks loudly and the TV show turns to pure static. He then stands up from the couch slowly, his bones cracking violently as he does so. He goes to the kitchen and fills up a large bucket of water. Gritty is now backed against a wall of the living room set, wide-eyed and hyperventilating)

Gritty: this isn't what I signed up for!

Studio Audience: hahahahaha (all of their eyes turn black as well. Some raise their bloody palms to the sky)

(Young Sheldon returns from the kitchen with the large bucket now full of water. He places it in front of the TV. He kicks off his Timbs and socks, stepping into the bucket of water. He then picks up the TV, still running pure static. Young Sheldon turns to Gritty.)

Young Sheldon: in this scene, I learn about electricity. Bazinga.

(Young Sheldon drops the TV into the bucket of water. He begins spasming wildly as sparks fly everywhere. Blood spurts from his ears and eyes and he starts foaming out of his mouth. The lights on the set flicker at warp speed. The Studio Audience starts reaching for their oxygen masks from laughing so hard. Gritty has his eyes covered in fetal position and is rocking back and forth)

Director: cut! Awesome work, guys! Hilarious!

Studio Audience: (stands up, cheering and applauding)

Gritty: what the fuck!

Director: ok, next scene! Hurry up!

(The film crew rapidly starts setting up the next scene. Gritty, still in shock, is grabbed by a film crew member on each arm and seated in a chair. They tie ropes around his wrists to the armrests. This scene opens on Gritty sitting across from Young Sheldon at the dining room table. It is silent for at least a full minute. Gritty tries to get up from his seat at the table but the ropes hold him in place.)

Director: action!

Gritty: (whispering to Young Sheldon) are you ok, kid? How the fuck are you still alive? What is this? I'm gonna get us out of here. Don't worry.

Young Sheldon: (smiles and leans forward to whisper) I am both alpha and omega. I am eternal. I am omnipresent. I am immortal.

Studio Audience: awww

(A man in a shirt that reads "The Economy" enters and stands at the middle of the table. He places a metal box on it. He opens the box slowly and reveals a pistol inside. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a single bullet with a post-it note on it that reads "The Media". He holds up the bullet, showing it to each camera and everyone in the audience. He takes off the post-it note, loads the bullet into the pistol, and spins the 6-bullet chamber. He places the gun back on the table, takes a step back.)

The Economy: begin!

Gritty: (panicking) begin what?! Holy shit!

Young Sheldon: (whispers) do not fear, Uncky. We are going to play Russian Roulette. In this scene, I learn that life is fragile. (Giggles and blushes)

Studio Audience: (chuckles)

Gritty: this is otherworldly fucked! Phanatic, get me out of here!

(A woman enters the dining room wearing a shirt that reads "Mother Nature". She slides the gun across the table to Young Sheldon. Without fear or hesitation, he picks up the gun)

Gritty: no!

(Young Sheldon pulls the trigger but all it does is click.)

Studio Audience: wooo!

(Young Sheldon shrugs and slides the pistol to Gritty. "Mother Nature" unties the ropes on Gritty's hands then walks over to a corner in the room. She begins dancing despite the complete silence. Gritty immediately tries to get up and run but another man in a shirt that reads "Climate Change" quickly raises a gun to Gritty's head. Gritty slowly sits back in his chair, trembling.)

Gritty: (shaking) no… I can't… I won't…

Studio Audience: boooooo

Gritty: (thinks for a bit, then) fuck it, I'm not dying here today.

(Gritty quickly pulls the trigger four more times until the bullet fires out of it and into the nearest camera)

Director: aaand cut! Perfect episode! Gritty, you were wonderful! This is totally gonna win us an Emmy!

Gritty: (sobbing)

(Cut to Gritty and The Phanatic leaving the studio.)

Phanatic: you were great, bro! As far as Young Sheldon episodes go, that one was pretty standard but wow, I never knew you could act that well!

Gritty: (exhausted) I'm just glad it's over.

Phanatic: so, what's the next jawn on that list?

(Cut to Thomas the Tank chugging beer at a nearby bar. After he finishes a glass, he slams it down on the bar, reaches into his jeans pocket, pulls out a stack of cash and slams it on the bar. He's a train by the way but yea he can wear jeans in this scene.)

Thomas: hey, barkeep! Make sure I never have an empty glass for the rest of the night, alright?

Bartender: sir, you seem like you've had your fill.

(Thomas starts chugging his engine really loudly while mean-muggin' the bartender)

Bartender: ok, ok fine. Here ya go (fills up his glass with more beer)

(Thomas turns his attention back to the TV screens where a re-run broadcast of an old Flyers game is playing)

Voice Off-Screen: rough day?

(Thomas turns to face someone seated next to him. A giant mouse wearing a purple hat and shirt with a yellow "C" in the middle of each.)

Thomas: who the fuck are you?

Mouse: the name is Charles Entertainment Cheese.

Thomas: look, man. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now. Go back to eating garbage or whatever (sparks up a Parliament)

Chuck E Cheese: fuck you then (turns to walk away, sparking up an American Spirit)

(Thomas quickly gets up off his barstool. Again, he's a locomotive but yeah. He grabs his beer glass and smashes it on the back of Chuck E Cheese's head.)

Chuck E Cheese: ah, fuck!

(Thomas starts punching the hell out of Chuck until he's unconscious. Several other bar patrons pile on top of Thomas and pull him off Chuck E Cheese, whose face is nothing more than a bloody pulp now)

Bar Patron #1: goddammit! This dude is hard to get off of Chuck because he is an actual train.

Bar Patron #2: grrr! My muscles are literally tearing trying to get Thomas away from Chuck because Thomas is actually a full-blown diesel.

(Finally, the Bar Patrons manage to get Thomas up and off of Chuck E Cheese. Thomas adjusts his New Era Sixers hat and brushes off his plaid shirt. He sits back down on the stool to continue drinking and watching the game. He starts laughing to himself)

Thomas: wow, that actually felt pretty good haha. Hahaha. HAhAhaHahAAaA (starts laughing maniacally) maybe I've found my calling after all (having a psychotic break) I need to find another mascot. Someone important. Someone everyone knows and loves. (starts rubbing his hands together, thinking) And when I take him out, then I'LL be the… (looks down at Chuck struggling to get up off the ground) big CHEESE

(Thomas looks back up to the TV. Gritty is on it, walking past some fans in the stands. He grabs and lifts a child out of his seat by his neck and starts punching him in the face, beating the living shit out of him)

Thomas: yeaaa… everyone in this city loves him. Hmmm… (sparks up a Lucky Strike)

(Gritty is now shooting kids point-blank with his t-shirt cannon. They launch into the air upon impact. A woman in the background is holding up a sign that reads "FUCK MY GRUSSY")

Thomas: I'm gonna get you, you orange fuck.

(Thomas picks up a piece of the broken glass he smashed and cuts the edges of his mouth like the Joker to form a smile while staring at the TV wide-eyed and unblinking. On the screen, several kids are tied down in rope on the ice while Gritty is heading towards them on the zamboni. He is waving to the crowd while he drives it. The fans start cheering. Then, he turns to face the kids and really floors it. Thomas smiles and blood runs down his teeth)

(Cut to Gritty and Phanatic in a helicopter already high up in the sky with parachute backpacks on.)

Phanatic: fuck you for making me do this with you! Why did skydiving have to be on your bucket list?

Gritty: (shrugs)

Skydiving Instructor: ok, fellas! You ready to go?!

Gritty: fuck yeah!

(Gritty is orange and so is his parachute backpack)

Skydiving Instructor: ok, we're all gonna jump out at the same time. Ready? 1… 2… 3!

(Gritty, the Phanatic, and the Instructor all jump out of the helicopter. They fall for a while screaming, then they all deploy their parachutes. The Phanatic is green and so is his parachute. Gritty is orange and so is his parachute. Upon reaching the ground, they all frantically start patting their pockets, looking for their lighters, pull out a cig and spark up.)

Phanatic: wow (takes a drag) that was actually pretty fun! I was nervous as hell but damn, I'll never forget it. Thanks, Gritty.

Gritty: (puts his cigarette out on his hockey helmet) hell yeah that ruled.

Phanatic: so what's next?

Gritty: oh these next few jawns will be fun. But we gotta do them quickly, otherwise the runtime of this movie will get too long without actually reaching the plot.

Phanatic: this has a plot?

(Several scenes ensue depicting Gritty's Bucket List items in a montage format. That one song all the kids in Grades K-3 love called "Violence is Forever" by Nails plays over this fun and silly montage)

(Scene 1: Gritty takes acid for the first time. He vomits all over himself and starts rolling around on the floor rubbing his nipples. The Phanatic is there sober to ensure Gritty doesn't hurt himself. He looks away from his newspaper and down at Gritty, shakes his head, then goes back to reading the paper.)

(Scene 2: Gritty and the Phanatic visit the Grand Canyon. Gritty pretends to take a selfie of the two of them at the edge of a giant cliff there, then shoves the Phanatic down the cliff as a prank. The Phanatic is sturdy though, so he just dusts himself off and puts a band-aid on the tiny scratch he got on his arm.)

(Scene 3: Gritty and the Phanatic go into space. While on the moon, Gritty takes off the Phanatic's helmet as a prank and runs back into the spaceship. Gritty is orange and so is the spaceship. Gritty then takes off, leaving the Phanatic there. The Phanatic can hold his breath for a really long time though, so he just floats back to Earth and meets up with Gritty again, where they smile and hug.)

(Scene 4: Gritty and the Phanatic run in a marathon. They get winded after the first mile. It probably doesn't help that they're both smoking Kools while running. They stop and leave to get a hoagie from the nearby Wawa.)

(Scene 5: Gritty and the Phanatic go to the Louvre. They stand in front of the Mona Lisa, staring at it confused. They then turn to face each other, shrug, and Gritty takes the Mona Lisa off the wall. Security guards run up to stop them but when they see it's Gritty, they let him go. The Phanatic and Gritty go out to the nearest bridge and throw the Mona Lisa off of it.)

(Scene 6: Gritty and the Phanatic go snorkeling with the sharks. When the sharks get close, the Phanatic swims away in fear while Gritty punches one in the gut. They start slapping the shit out of each other. Gritty lights up a cig underwater with one hand while punching the shark with the other. The shark slaps the cig out of Gritty's mouth. Gritty and the shark stop fighting and stare at the cig falling to the bottom of the ocean. Gritty then looks up very slowly at the shark while the shark starts backing away in fear. Cut to Gritty grilling up the shark on the beach with the Phanatic in sunglasses and swim trunks drinking a Yeungling next to him.)

(Scene 7: Gritty gets his college degree. Gritty is orange and so are his graduation cap and gown. This alone took 4 years so yeah I guess he's still not dead somehow. Someone send me the Wikipedia definition for "plot")

(The montage ends with the words "Several Bucket Item Things Later…" on screen and the Phanatic and Gritty are sitting in their living room, smoking Marlboros. Gritty is staring at the list, excited)

Gritty: only three more jawns left to do! I can't believe I'm gonna finish this list!

Phanatic: what's left?

Gritty: well these last three are pretty huge. This first one is to go on The Price is Right, the second is to go on a date with a celebrity, and the last one… well, the last one is actually kinda dumb. I shouldn't have written it.

Phanatic: ah, come on! Lemme see it!

Gritty: (holds bucket list closer to him) no! It was a joke, really.

(The Phanatic gets up out of his chair and puts his Marlboro out on Gritty's arm.)

Gritty: ow, fuck! (drops the list to grab onto his arm)

(The Phanatic picks up the list)

Phanatic: it says "save the world"... come on, man. Really?

Gritty: I just think it would be nice to save the world, ya know, if the opportunity ever came up.

Phanatic: and how do you suppose you would do that?

(Cut to Thomas the Tank, now dressed in full Joker attire, lifting weights and getting swole to Sepultura's "Refuse/Resist". He has a poster of Gritty on the wall with bullet holes in it. He puts down the weights and sprints over to a nearby table where he has a pack of Pall Malls. He immediately pulls one out and lights one up. On the bottom of the screen, a stock market ticker rolls by. Thomas takes a shot of Jack then heads back to lifting. Words on the screen read:

What is Thomas the Tank Engine?

A boat

A car

An airplane

A train)

(Thomas holds his pistol up to the Gritty poster)

Thomas: I can't wait to meet you, you orange fuck.

(With the sound of the pistol firing, we cut to the set of The Price is Right)

Drew Carey: our next contestant is… Gritty! Come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!

(Gritty leaps up out of his seat and sprints down to the front of the audience at one of the podiums. There's already someone at the orange podium, so Gritty snaps their neck and takes over. He lights up a Newport and waves hi to Drew Carey.)

Drew: haha! Nice! Gritty is here hell yeah! Good to see ya big guy.

Gritty: glad to be here Drew. I'm actually slowly dying so this is awesome!

Drew: oh that's definitely radical and cool! So the first thing to bid on is this refrigerator - wait… holy shit. Camera guy, you seeing this? Come here, get a closeup of this. Wow. (Grabs the boom mic from above and pulls it down to his fucking mouth. Stares directly into the shitty camera) Gritty is orange and so is this fridge. Here zoom in zoom in.

(Drew Carey pushes the camera guy up against the fridge and then turns him around to face Gritty. The camera guy starts visibly shaking from seeing how orange they both are. I can barely believe it either)

Drew: yep they're both really orange oh my god I think I'm gonna retire and seek thorough mental counseling from this.

Audience: (cheers)

Drew: ok anyway what do you bid, Gritty?

Gritty: I have that same fridge in my house! Haha I am orange and so is that fridge, Drew.

Drew: haha I know!

Gritty: I know for a fact it costs $500.

Contestant Guy 1: $400

Contestant Lady 1: $501

Contestant Guy 2: ummm uhhh $1

Drew: and the actual price is… $500! Gritty wins! Come on up here, pal and lemme rub your big tummy!

(Gritty jumps up and down hype as shit. He punches the contestant next to him out cold and raises double middle fingers in the face of the other two. He goes up on stage and shakes hands with Drew Carey. The audience goes batshit.)

Drew Carey: hey, big guy! So, I think what everyone wants to know is… what's your backstory? What makes you… GRITTY?

(As if something turned on in Gritty's brain, he freezes, staring blankly at nothing.)

Drew: uhhh… Gritty? You there, bud?

(Gritty slowly walks off the stage as if in a trance. He heads towards a side exit of the auditorium leading to a long hallway. At the end of it, he sees a blurry, out-of-focus image of someone much bigger and also really orange.)

Gritty: ...dad..?

(The orange figure heads into a room at the end of the hallway. Gritty sprints after it. When he opens the door leading into the same room, it opens into a large hockey rink. Gritty sees a younger version of himself, maybe 13 years old or so, skating around in an ice hockey game with a bunch of other kids his age. Gritty is extremely scrawny and small compared to the other players. One kid on the opposite team shoves Gritty to the ice. Hard. The snap of Gritty's collarbone echoes throughout the rink. The kid then leans down into Gritty's face)

Kid: fuck you, you little bitch. You don't have an ounce of grit in you. You don't belong with the rest of us. Get off the ice.

(Kid Gritty gets noticeably pissed off, grabs his hockey stick and smashes it across the other kid's head. Gritty's dad watches from the stands of the rink smiling. Present Gritty notices him)

Present Gritty: dad!

(Gritty's Dad, basically a giant Gritty but with longer hair and red eyes, turns to Present Gritty and gives a thumbs up, then vanishes into thin air. Suddenly, the rink deteriorates around Gritty and he is now in an all-white padded room of a psych ward, wearing a straightjacket. This is where he was institutionalized at age 20.)

Gritty: is anybody here?! Hello?!

(Gritty's ex-wife, Lady Gritty, enters the padded room crying, with Gritty's two kids, Gritty Jr. and Grits4Breakfast. The kids just look like miniaturized Grittys but one is red and the other is yellow. Lady Gritty is pink)

Lady Gritty: I can't believe it's come to this (wipes away tears) nice straightjacket by the way. It's orange (choking back tears) just like you are.

Gritty: babe, you gotta get me outta here.

Lady Gritty: no. This is for the best. You need help, James.

Gritty: James? JAMES?! I'm not James! My name is Gritty, goddammit!

Lady Gritty: (crying again) oh my god you don't even remember who you are anymore! The doctors warned me about this but it's too much to actually see it happen. I love you. And you're so hot and orange but I have to take the kids and leave you. What you've become now… You're too dangerous to be around anymore.

(Gritty is now foaming at the mouth thrashing around in his straightjacket with his googly eyes bouncing everywhere)

Gritty: you're not gonna take the fuckin' kids, bitch!

(Lady Gritty and the kids start walking away)

Gritty: get back here! I'm Gritty!

(The padded room deteriorates around Gritty and he is now sitting on a bench by a peaceful lake. There is nobody around and it is completely quiet. It's peaceful. Serene. Gritty stares down at his feet. He's got Timbs on. He lights up a Salem and watches the ducks float on the water. Someone places their hand on Gritty's shoulder from behind the bench)

Person: wake up.

(Gritty wakes up on the floor of the stage for The Price is Right. Drew Carey and producers for the show are kneeling around him, surrounding him, trying to get him awake)

Gritty: where… where am I?

Drew Carey: I asked how you got to be so gritty and you zoned out for a few seconds. Then you carved a pentagram into your forehead and collapsed to the ground, repeating "I'm a financial analyst I'm a financial analyst". It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Do you remember winning the orange fridge by the way? You are orange too.

Gritty: that's the last thing I remember, actually. I remember it so well because I remember thinking that I'm orange and so is the refrigerator.

(Drew Carey stands up and points to Gritty and the orange refrigerator)

Drew Carey: ORANGE!

(Cut to The Phanatic smoking a bong on the couch of his living room watching Gritty on The Price is Right. He couldn't make it out to the live show. Ticket prices were too high. The Phanatic is shirtless while doing this too. Let's zoom in on those purple nipples! Nice! :) Anyway, on the screen we see Gritty about to spin the big wheel. Everything looks like it's in a haze because everyone in the audience and Gritty are all smoking Camel Blues.)

Drew Carey: ok, Gritty, go ahead and give the wheel a spin!

Gritty: haha right on!

(Gritty grabs the wheel and it flies off the hinges and rolls into the audience. Just listen to those bones snap and break! It's like angels singing.)

Drew Carey: well… that's never happened before. I guess that means Gritty wins! Congrats, Gritty!

Gritty: fuck yeah! (runs up to the camera and eats it)

Phanatic: good for you, bro (turns off the TV)

(The Phanatic gets up, faded as hell, and stumbles into the kitchen to finish the rest of his Wawa hoagie from lunchtime. When he enters the kitchen, he hears the small sound of a train chugging)

Phanatic: hello? Who's there?

(Thomas appears behind the Phanatic and grabs him)

(Cut to Gritty doing the next thing on his bucket list: go on a date with a celebrity. He enters a fancy restaurant in his finest orange suit. The words "ORANGE SUIT" flash on the screen. Gritty has even ditched his hockey helmet and slicked back his hair with some gel. He looks fuckin hot. He is led to his table and sits there, waiting for his date to get there. While he is waiting he scrolls through his texts. He left one with the Phanatic four hours ago that reads "Damn The Price is Right was awesome. I did some coke and I'm headed to my date. Let me know if you want me to pick up anything from Wawa. I know you're running low on Black and Milds." Gritty looks at the text concerned. He sends another text that says "You all good?" then puts his phone back in his pocket. A waiter in a full suit approaches. This restaurant is very upscale.)

Waiter: are you waiting for someone, sir? Nice orange suit by the way. (Does a double-take when he notices the camera and sprints over to it. He rips it from the cameraman's hands and puts his mouth up against the lens) You and the suit are the same color and the color is orange.

Gritty: haha thanks. Can you bring two glasses of wooder?

Waiter: bet.

(The waiter leaves. Gritty makes sure to set the napkin in front of him on his lap because he has really good table manners. He then leans over to a young couple at the table next to him eating some seafood dishes)

Gritty: you guys gonna finish that?

Guy: uhh yeah I mean we just started eating.

Gritty: oh ok cool.

(Gritty stands up and pushes the Guy out of his chair, picks up the guy's plate and eats it whole. He turns to the Guy's girlfriend and belches loudly in her face, sending her flying across the restaurant. He then eats her plate whole as well)

Gritty: wow this is some good stuff thanks

(Gritty then picks up the table they were sitting at and throws it at the nearest wall where it shatters to splinters. He then sits back at his own table and dabs his chin daintily with a napkin because, as mentioned earlier, Gritty has good table manners and knows how to act in public. A few seconds after, Gritty's date enters. It's Dua Lipa. She faints when she sees Gritty. Gritty leans back in his chair and looks over his shoulder at the nearest camera.)

Gritty: I bet she saw how orange I am and how orange this suit is. She probably noticed that the suit and I match (Winks. Smiles and his teeth shine with a little "ding" sound effect but his gums are all bleeding)

(Gritty's phone starts ringing. His ringtone is "Slave Species of the Gods" by Blood Incantation. The number is blocked when Gritty checks to see who's calling.)

Gritty: (answers) hello?

Thomas the Tank: hi there, you orange prick. I got someone who wants to talk to you.

Phanatic: Gritty! This dude says he's gonna kill me if you don't show up soon. We're over at the Wells Fargo Center. He's-

Thomas the Tank: you heard your brother. Get here in the next 10 minutes or things are gonna get very ugly. (Hangs up)

(Gritty immediately rips off his suit, revealing his usual Flyers attire underneath. He puts his hockey helmet back on and runs out the door. Once outside, he jumps into the air and starts flying over to the Wells Fargo Center. While flying, Gritty takes his phone back out and dials another number)

Gritty: hey. I need you for something.

(Cut to Thomas the Tank holding a gun up to the Phanatic's head at center ice of the Wells Fargo Center. Thomas now has his faceplate replaced with a cutout of Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker)

Thomas: 3 more minutes. Things aren't looking so good for you, bud.

Phanatic: why are you doing this?

Thomas: (does the Joker laugh) I'm like a dog… chasing a car…

(Gritty smashes through the ceiling of the Wells Fargo Center, followed by a purple figure. It's Grimace from McDonald's.)

Gritty: let my brother go! Grimace is my uncle!

(Grimace roars loudly and shoots a stream of fire from his mouth)

Thomas: oh, cute. What a nice little family gathering we have going here. But you were so focused on getting here that you missed everything going on around this city. Let me show you something.

(Thomas points a TV remote to the jumbotron and turns it to a Philly news station. The headline at the bottom of the screen reads "Trains With Faces Destroying Philadelphia". It shows various clips of Percy, Gordon, Edward, and Henry from Thomas and Friends crashing through buildings, knocking over the Rocky statue, and growing cannons on their backs that they fire at buildings.)

News Reporter: it is truly a dark day for Philadelphia and it shows no signs of ending anytime soon. We now cut to Sir Topham Hatt who has a message for all of his trains, if they are watching. Mr. Hatt?

Sir Topham Hatt: (wiping tears from his eyes) I don't know where I went wrong with these trains. I raised them when they were tiny little boxes with wheels on them into the trains they are now. I tried to teach them right from wrong. Oh god, I don't know where I failed them.

News Reporter: well thank you for being here with us and stay safe. In the meantime, the city now turns to anyone who can save us.

(Thomas turns the jumbotron off but is clearly shaken by seeing the image of Topham Hatt, his papa)

Thomas: (clears throat) ok so anyway who are you gonna save, Gritty? Your brother? Or the city you love so much?

(Gritty looks over to his uncle, Grimace from McDonald's. They lock eyes and without saying a word, Gritty nods. Grimace nods back and then teleports)

Thomas: where did he go?!

(Cut to Henry speeding towards the Philly Museum of Art with two cannons locked and loaded on his back. Grimace suddenly appears in front of him and uppercuts him into the air. "Executioner's Tax" by Power Trip begins playing. While Henry is in the air, Grimace jumps up and grows four extra arms. Grimace then uses all 6 of his arms to start ripping Henry apart. Blood flies everywhere. Grimace makes sure to keep his mouth open to drink it all up. By the time they reach the ground, the other trains, Percy, Gordon, and Edward, all have Grimace surrounded. Grimace roars and pounds his chest. He then runs over to Gordon and lifts him high in the air. He smashes Gordon over his knee, shattering his spine and paralyzing him. Grimace then leans back and throws Gordon into outer space.)

Percy: I got him! (fires a cannon at Grimace)

(Grimace notices the cannonball flying towards him and catches it. He throws it back at Percy, where it hits him directly in the face causing him to explode. Next up is Edward, who has already started trying to speed away.)

Edward: fuck this!

(Edward books it. Since Edward is a train, he can go really fast and make "choo-choo" noises. Grimace is also pretty fast too, though. He gets down on all 8 limbs and runs after Edward. Grimace soon catches up to Edward and jumps on top of him. Edward still keeps going. He's headed straight for Geno's. Grimace notices this and realizes what must be done. He takes out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife and kids. He smiles and kisses the picture, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Grimace then tucks the picture back into one of his Timbs and lights a Swisher Sweet. He has a quick flashback to when Ronald McDonald gave him that Swisher Sweet back when he first hired him. Grimace takes a long drag, exhales, then teleports in front of Edward with open arms. Edward can't stop in time and smashes into Grimace, where they both explode into a mushroom cloud. The top of the cloud forms a giant McDonald's M.)

(Cut to Gritty still in a standoff with Thomas the Tank)

Gritty: you need to end this, man. It's not gonna end well for you.

Thomas: (laughs maniacally) well, let's just see about that (turns the jumbotron back on)

(The jumbotron is still on the news station but now the headline reads "Grimace From McDonald's (Better Known by the World as Gritty's Actual Uncle) Sacrifices Self to Stop Trains")

Gritty: uncky?

Thomas: NO! (blows his train horn really loud in anger)

News Reporter: (wiping away tears) dammit! He's gone! Grimace is gone. But he did save the city from complete destruction. Some reports are claiming that Thomas the Tank Engine is the mastermind behind these attacks. His whereabouts are unknown.

(Gritty smacks Thomas on the back of the head with a hockey stick while he is still turned facing the jumbotron. Thomas drops his gun and Gritty picks it up. He shoots it but no bullet fires. The gun is empty. Instead, a tiny flag with the word "Bang!" pops out. Thomas laughs maniacally again and starts transforming into a giant humanoid figure. Four giant cannons raise up from his shoulders, ready to fire at Gritty and The Phanatic. He blows his train horn so loud that it can be heard throughout all of Philly. Suddenly, all the Septa trains come to life and transform into humanoid figures as well with evil red eyes, under Thomas's mind control. We cut to various Septa trains standing up on two legs and wreaking havoc on the city.)

Gritty: no! (lights up a Camel Crush)

Thomas: (takes a long drag of his Marlboro) now, Gritty. You and your city… will be no more.

(Gritty hangs his head defeated. The Phanatic walks over, smoking a Camel Light and puts his hand on Gritty's shoulder. Just then, Grimace's ghost appears)

Grimace: my nephews

Gritty and Phanatic: uncky!

Grimace: that's right. I am your uncle and also Grimace from McDonald's. No one can defeat Thomas the Tank Engine alone… but together, we just might have a shot.

(Grimace holds out his hands for Gritty and the Phanatic to grab onto. "Eagles Become Vultures" by Converge begins playing over this heartwarming and inspiring moment. The song lyrics appear on the bottom of the screen in orange font with an icon of Gritty's smiling face bouncing over them as they are screamed. An arrow points to the orange song lyrics and to Gritty that indicates "ORANGE" as well. The Phanatic and Gritty look at each other, nod then take a long drag of their cigs. They reach out and take each of Grimace's hands and a bright orange light erupts from their hand-holding circle. Thomas has to shield his eyes because it is so bright)

Thomas: ahh! That light is really orange! (Looks over to the camera)

(The sound of a children's choir chanting "666" can be heard in the background. Thomas cuts open his hand and uses the blood to draw an upside down cross on the camera lens and under it, he writes "Gritty is orange". A multiple choice appears: "What color is Gritty?

Purple

Orange

Yellow

Red")

Gritty: what's happening?!

Grimace: we are reaching our final form.

(The light dies down and now standing where Gritty, Grimace, and the Phanatic once were is a giant, 4-armed, 3-headed monster with spikes all over it and a choker around its neck that reads "DADDY". Thomas starts backing away from it in fear. Just listen to how great "Putrid Fairytale" by Slugdge sounds over this scene mmm compliments to the chef yummy. The monster has an orange body (like Gritty!), green arms, and purple legs. Each of Gritty's, The Phanatic's and Grimace's heads rests atop this glorious beast.)

Thomas: my god… what are you?

Monster: we are… a JAWN.

(Thomas screams and starts firing cannonballs and streams of fire at the Jawn, which causes a large cloud of smoke to shroud the Jawn entirely. It gets very quiet after Thomas stops firing.)

Thomas: I did it… YES!

(The smoke begins to clear but nothing is there)

Thomas: what?! Where did they go?!

(Thomas feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around slowly to see the Jawn standing behind him holding a zamboni high above his head. The Jawn slams the zamboni down hard onto Thomas, creating a massive crater in the ice, thousands of feet deep. This causes Satan to wake up from his nap. Satan burrows his way up from under the ground into the crater. He looks over at Thomas's dead body)

Satan: wow, nice. This will make a good lunch. I was feeling a bit peckish. Thanks, Jawn.

Jawn: (gives a thumbs up) he's all yours, Satan!

Satan: ard sounds good!

(Satan opens up his mouth 20 feet wide and consumes Thomas's soul entirely. He rubs his tummy and burps when he's done. The Jawn and Satan share a hearty laugh. The Phanatic Head on the Jawn looks up at the jumbotron.)

Phanatic Head: guys, look!

(The Jawn turns to look at the jumbotron, where it seems that all of the Septa trains have returned to normal and are no longer under Thomas's mind control)

Grimace Head: looks like you got to cross that last item off your bucket list after all, Gritty.

Gritty Head: (smiles) well, it was technically to save the WORLD, not just Philly.

Grimace and Phanatic Heads (in unison): oh, Gritty… (shake their heads)

Gritty Head: I'm only kidding. This definitely hit the spot.

Grimace Head: now let us return to our normal forms again.

(The eyes on each head of the Jawn roll back into their skulls until just the whites are showing and the bright orange light, which matches how Gritty looks, shines again. After it dies down, The Phanatic, Gritty, and Grimace's ghost stand separated. Grimace and The Phanatic quickly look to Gritty to bum a cig off of him. Gritty gives each of them a cig, but Grimace's falls through his hand and onto the ice because he's a ghost lol.)

Grimace: ah damn I forgot I died and so did the scriptwriter. Oh well too late to go back and edit it I suppose. I'm out. (Vanishes into thin air)

Gritty: wow (exhales a cloud of smoke that spells out "ORANGE") That was pretty wild, huh?

The Phanatic: yeah (exhales a cloud of smoke that forms an arrow under the "ORANGE" cloud that points to Gritty)

Gritty: …so… wanna go to Wawa?

Phanatic: sure.

(As they walk out of the Wells Fargo Center, the victorious anthem "A Home" by Rivers of Nihil blasts. We pan up to see the jumbotron still broadcasting the news which has a headline reading "Gritty Saves Philadelphia".)

News Broadcaster: ...and Gritty will forever be relevant. He will never again be a dying meme.

(The words "THE END" appear in orange font on the screen so those letters pretty much match Gritty if you were to put them side-by-side. But then, Gritty rips through the words and looks into the camera)

Gritty: the movie ain't over yet! Don't you want to see what happened to us all after all of this?

(A montage plays over "Combustion" by Meshuggah where we see Gritty reunite with Lady Gritty and his kids. They accept him for who he is now. Gritty meets back up with his dad and makes amends. Gritty goes to the same peaceful lake he saw while having a stroke on The Price is Right. He feeds the ducks there. One of them gets a little too close to Gritty's Timbs so he eats it whole. He smiles at the camera afterwards with blood running down his chin and feathers stuck in his teeth. Gritty is awarded the keys to the city for saving Philly. He moves out of his house we saw earlier and buys a nice single-family unit in Media. Gritty starts getting older as the montage progresses. He sees his kids grow up and graduate college. He goes back to being a Financial Analyst with Steve Buscemi. He wears an orange tie to work every day which causes his co-workers to get nothing done because none of them can look away or believe it. We see Gritty grocery shopping, doing his taxes, waking up and getting the mail. We see him eating a pretty decent dinner. Finally, the montage slows when Gritty is very old and is playing some hockey with his grandkids out in the street in front of his house, which is orange. If Gritty were to stand up against any wall of the house, he would blend in perfectly. The grandkids and Gritty are all having a great time. Gritty is playing goalie and is actually doing a pretty decent job despite his age)

Gritty: aaand he makes the save! Haha! I still got it! (looks into the camera with a serious face) I am orange.

(One of Gritty's grandkids takes a hard slapshot that rocks Gritty straight in the head. Gritty starts wobbling around completely dazed, holding his head in pain. He starts walking around aimlessly trying to regain his wits. In the meantime, the Phanatic walks out of the house with Lady Gritty. They look at Gritty concerned)

Phanatic: are you alright, bro?

Gritty: yeah I'm fine and orange. Just give me a second to walk it off.

(Gritty walks a little too far out into the street and gets absolutely obliterated by a semi-trailer truck, which you might notice is orange. Pretty ironic.)

(The end)