On the 1.8th floor of the Vainglory North American Headquarters, an elegant yet powerful business woman sits at an intricately carved desk made from Gunnr Great Oak. She is the perfect age for authority without loss of beauty. Her hair is just the color it should be to bring out the hue of her skin. Her eyes have 50% pierce and her smile is kept under wraps by a determined jaw that means to get some serious work done. She taps her self-manicured fingertips on the desk with calculated calm. She is The Matchmaker. Her desk faces a large window across the small room that looks down into two rooms that are divided with a thin wall. A young female assistant stands next to the desk with a stack of files at the ready.

Matchmaker– Did you have a nice break?

Assistant– Oh! Um, it wasn’t bad. Didn’t really do much. I saw a ground squirrel in my yard. Is that the same thing as a chipmunk? I think it’s eating my flowers, but that’s alright, I don’t like yellow flowers anyway. They remind me of tiny suns and I just think about how they’ll die and one the sun will die and then we’ll di-

Matchmaker (the Matchmaker interrupts) – I spent most of the time reading internet comments.

Assistant– Oh no. I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore.

Matchmaker– I just don’t understand how so many can complain about a process they could never even begin to understand to complexity of.

Assistant– Hubris, I think.

Matchmaker (jabs a finger of agreement) – Exactly, hubris. “To split the ears of the groundlings, who for the most part are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows and noise.” (Matchmaker quotes Shakespeare seamlessly)

Assistant– “I would I were thy bird.”

Matchmaker– Who’s bird?

Assistant– Well, your…(looks at the watch she’s not wearing) Servers will be back up in fifteen seconds.

Matchmaker– These server down times are getting shorter.

Assistant– I suppose that’s a drawback of efficiency.

Matchmaker– Next month we should get together.

Assistant– Really?

Matchmaker– Yeah, what do you do when we’re not here? (She gestures at the room in general)

Assistant– Play Flappy Golf, mostly.

Matchmaker– What’s that?

Assistant– Um, it’s kind of mindless.

Matchmaker– Sounds wonderful.

A loud THOOOOOOOOM echoes through the room. Matchmaker snaps to full attention, her focus is sharper than a fart laser in space.

Assistant– We’re up. Let’s start with some Hotness level play, we’re getting a lot of them…The Hotness…Players. Here.

Assistant shuffles a few folders off the top of the pile she’s holding. The Matchmaker rifles through the pages like a collating whirling dervish.

Matchmaker– SAWofFEED, ItsAScoutTrap, Tanks4Nuttin, CarryOnMyWaywardTaka, ICEICEBaby annnnnnd ChuckTheFold. Matched! (Whacks a bell) Bring ’em in.

Down in the lower rooms, doors open and three players are escorted into each. Matchmaker presses a com button on her desk and leans into the mic.



Matchmaker– You may select your hero.

SAWorFEED– SAW! Lock!

Tanks4Nuttin– Oh, no way.

Tanks4Nuttin sits down on the floor. The remaining players are selecting their characters. Matchmaker presses the com button again.

Matchmaker– Tanks4Nuttin, what are you doing?

Tanks4Nuttin– I’m not playing with that. (Points to SAWorFEED)

Matchmaker– What’s wrong?

Tanks4Nuttin– He instalocked!

SAWorFEED– Sorry, I finally got the tier 2 skin. Dude, so much ICE. Worth it.

Matchmaker– He’s excited, nothing wrong with that.

Tanks4Nuttin– Look at his user name!

Matchmaker– I don’t see your point.

Tanks4Nuttin– Whatever, I’m dodging this one.

Matchmaker– Ok. (Lets go of the com button. Turns to Assistant.) Have him brought up here.

Assistant goes to the wall and picks up the Red Phone. She murmurs briefly into it. Down in the Hero Selection Room, the door opens and two men in black t-shirts enter. They “escort” Tanks4Nuttin out of the room. He is deposited on the floor of the Matchmaker’s office soon after.

Matchmaker– What is your problem with the match I made for you?

Tanks4Nuttin (sufficiently confused and terrified)- I didn’t want to play with an instalocker. It’s not fair to the rest of us.

Matchmaker– I put you on the team with that player because you both have similar win/loss records and in game success. You two have synergy.

Tanks4Nuttin– I don’t care. I’m tired of playing with selfish players.

Matchmaker and Assistant– (Assistant a little behind because she’s not smooth) Huuuuubris.

Matchmaker (to Tanks4Nuttin)- You realize this will affect your karma.

Tanks4Nuttin– Yea, whatever. The new karma system is dumb anyway.

Matchmaker– Assistant, would you please have Karma Bill join us?

Assistant– Oh! Of course, m’lady!

Assistant rushes out of the room and returns a moment later with an impressive figure in tow. Karma Bill stands head and shoulders above her in towering form. He wears flowing garbs of shining gold and a headdress that would give an elephant neck problems. His round face is one of complete serenity. You may recognize him.

Matchmaker– Hello Bill. Sorry to draw you away.

Karma Bill– Not a worry, Matchmaker. How can I be of service?

Matchmaker– This young person wishes to dodge the match I’ve prepared for him.

Karma Bill– I see.

Matchmaker– And Bill?

Karma Bill– Yes, Matchmaker?

Matchmaker– He said your system was dumb.

Karma Bill– That is…regrettable.

Karma Bill glides over to Tanks4Nuttin and basks him in a benevolent smile, which totally catches the player off guard from Bill’s “Palm of Condemnation”. The brutal slap sends Tanks4Nuttin through the window and back into his original spot. Before the player can regain any sense, the black tshirts are back and drag him from the room. His resulting “ban” must have been lengthy because he was never seen again.

Assistant (in what shes hopes is under her breath)- Bangarang, Karma Bill.

ChuckTheFold– Karma bomb, fact.

Matchmaker rises from her desk and approaches the broken window.

Matchmaker (speaking to the players)- The rest of you I trust are more than pleased with this match up?

The resounding “Yes!” has a lovely air of panic.

Matchmaker– Great. (to Assistant) Fill that spot with Creepsho.

Creepsho is brought in. He looks like he’s about to say something for a moment before his teammates quietly urge him to just pick a character. He selects and all the players proceed into the game.

Assistant (gesturing toward the desk)- M’lady, would you like to continue?

Matchmaker (not moving)- Yep. Give me some more.

Matchmaker Johnny 5’s her way through the next set of pages.

Matchmaker– KrakenUp, RespawnOfSatan, AfterShocknado, FortressofGankitude, HolyTurretDiver, and SteveUrkel. Matched! (Assistant carries the bell over and Matchmaker whacks it. Assistant almost drops it from the intense whack force.)

The next set of players enter the rooms. Upon seeing HolyTurretDiver on his team, FortressofGankitude throws up his hands.

FortressofGankitude– Oh c’mon, I just gave you a thumbs down.

HolyTurretDiver– Yeah? Well, I did for you too, bro.

FortressofGankitude– You didn’t listen to any of my pings!

HolyTurretDiver– Like, when you got killed and hit the question mark five times?

FortressofGankitude– I was frustrated at the situation and in the moment I had no other outlet for my feelings, so there! How bout when you purposefully took the back camps while we were getting wrecked by the Kraken!

HolyTurretDiver– I zoned out for minute because I was trying to theorycraft how we could counter build!

FortressofGankitude– You were thinking of ways we could win together? I had no idea.

HolyTurretDiver– Yes, and now I understand where you were coming from, but I’m already upset and don’t want to back down.

FortressofGankitude– Me neither!

Assistant– Huu-

Matchmaker (to Assistant)- Not yet. (to the players) You aren’t happy with the matchup?

FortressofGankitude– No! If I give a thumbs down, it should mean something!

HolyTurretDiver– Same here!

Aftershocknado (from the other team)- Hey, are they getting new teammates? (points to KrakenUp) Because, he chose Ringo and I wanted to play lane, can I have a new team too?

Matchmaker– Bill, could I bother you just a little more?

Karma Bill– My pleasure.

Assistant– Ditto.

Assistant proceeds to leak out a nervous sound akin to a hedgehog being caught under an ottoman.

Matchmaker– Assistant, please call His Honor up here as well.

Assistant skidaddles out again, this time returning with a small elderly man in long black robes. He enters with shuffling steps, his hands behind his back and head bowed.

Matchmaker– His Honor, so good to see you again, how’s your wife?

His Honor– She’s much better, thank you.

His Honor gives a thumbs up to illustrate this, revealing his thumbs to be enormous.

Matchmaker– So glad to hear that. Unfortunately I must tell you, these players feel your thumbs have no effect on their experience.

His Honor– Then I shall have to show them personally.

Karma Bill and His Honor hop down into the room with surprisingly grace for their size and age respectively. They proceed to dish out some measures of justice all around the chamber, even knocking one of the hapless fools through the dividing wall. When the slapping and thumbing carnage is over, all players have been subdued into choosing characters and proceed into the game without further comment.

Matchmaker– Boys, why don’t you just stay down there, we’ve got a long queue this afternoon. Let’s see…(you’d think she’d get papercuts considering how fast she handles the papers) Greeenrangerr, AdyEndrus, keldegar, AVC, kkekev and DrEvil. Matched! (Whacks bell)

The next squad enter the rooms, murmuring to themselves at the rubble and strangers already present. Some of the players spot each other through the broken wall.

AdyEndrus– Oh c’mon, these teams aren’t balanced!

AVC– They’re using Discord, I’ll bet.

Greeenrangerr– Already a bunch of salt, huh?

kkekev– I might wait for the next one.

DrEvil– Yeah, I don’t want to lose the elo.

keldegar– I was just going to phone it in, anyway.

Matchmaker– Enough!

All eyes on Matchmaker

Matchmaker– I’ve tried to be understanding of your complaints. I’ve tried to adjust. I’ve tried having these guys beat the snot out of you. But still you come in here and have some sort of issue with whatever is happening. I got news for you, this is just a game.

Assistant– Like Flappy Golf.

Matchmaker– Like whatever that is, exactly. We’re making sure you have your little game to come to at any hour of the day. We let you play as long as you want. We keep your statistics, track your progress and give you gifts for playing, and all you have to do is show up! We will still be matching long after you decay on the toilet because you were too afraid to wipe in the middle of a team fight. It’s not the end of the world if you lose and certainly shouldn’t ruin your day. You’ve got the power to walk away at any moment, just take a break if you can’t handle it. Play frisbee golf. Make a quesadilla. Hulu has the entire run of Seinfeld up now, you could watch every episode. They aren’t paying me to say that, it’s just a freaking fantastic show! But if you want to log in and play in my world, I suggest you remember we’re trying our best here. If you don’t, if you think you know better than us and your opinion holds the weight of almighty Bo. You know what that is?

Matchmaker attempts to cue Assistant.

Assistant– My fault? I’m sorry, m’lady.

Matchmaker– No, say the thing.

Assistant– Wha… I… hmm…

Matchmaker– You know, huuuuu

Assistant– Jackman, Hugh Jackman!

Matchmaker stomps angrily over and whispers into Assistant’s ear. Assistant’s face dawns with much delayed understanding. Matchmaker marches back and re-assumes her position.

Matchmaker– Ok, now!

Assistant (with jaw dropping vocal acrobatics)-HuuuUUUUUbrraaaaISSSSssssss

The players, Assistant, Karma Bill and His Honor react accordingly. His Honor has difficulty due to constant thumb fumbling. Matchmaker huffs and puffs for a few moments, gathers herself and returns to her desk. She goes to sit down but remembers something.

Matchmaker– One more thing. Bill, my Assistant has a deep seeded crush on you, how about you two get dinner tomorrow night, my treat.

Karma Bill– That sounds divine.

Assistant “love faints” but doesn’t fall because she has horse-like reflexes.

Matchmaker– Matched! (Whacks bell)

*NOTE* – Any real player names are used affectionately, except keldegar. Special thanks to @NickyTsunami for the idea to use Matchmaker as a character. Hope she’s treating everyone so so right! If not, blow her a kiss, that goes a long way. See you in the Fold.