Washington D.C.—

After hearing that Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller had convened a grand jury and begun issuing subpoenas for information about Donald Trump’s alleged obstruction of justice and Russian collusion, Vice President Mike Pence immediately went to the nearest office goods store and bought a whole case of white-out.

“Pence spent all day removing the word ‘Vice’ from his business cards,” said White House staffer Andrew Honore. “Pence doesn’t usually smile, because he thinks smiling distracts people from the glory of God, but he couldn’t help himself today—he just said he’d spend three hours tonight praying instead of the usual two. He was softly whistling U2’s song ‘Beautiful Day’ for hours.”

The news of the grand jury is the latest bad development for President Donald Trump in the Russia probe, and it signifies that the investigation has gotten serious. A grand jury is only convened when enough evidence is deemed credible to begin prosecuting a case, and indictments typically follow.

“I overheard Pence at one point maniacally laugh to himself in his office, so I peeped my head in—Pence always leaves his office door ajar so everyone knows that there are no women alone in there with him—so I asked him if everything was alright, and he said, ‘Oh, nothing.’ This happened like 3 times.”

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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