NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or Einstein’s theory of relativity, sources confirmed Thursday that local 13-year-old Shane O’Donnell invented masturbation. O’Donnell’s study of the effects of pillow-humping on the brain’s pleasure center reportedly led the pre-teen to experiment with placing a hand on his genitals and tugging, which was followed by a groundbreaking trial-and-error period involving a variety of tempos and grips. O’Donnell, who called the innovation a eureka moment, then isolated a stroke and grasp that “felt real nice.” Sources reported that the visionary then implemented a never-before-attempted jerking of the penis shaft that yielded what the sixth-grader hypothesized was an erection, later confirmed when increased yank speed produced “some stuff” that O’Donnell referred to as “splooge.” The massive leap forward in sexual stimulation builds off the unprecedented research of 12-year-old classmate Jason Whitman who confirmed at the bike racks that he recently experimented with placing his penis into the stream of a hot tub jet. At press time, several reports indicated close friends have not seen O’Donnell since he invented masturbation and that his mom keeps saying he’s in the shower.

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