BONO has cancelled his appearance at Glastonbury forcing

organisers into a last minute hunt for some other twat.

For more than 120 years the headline spot at the white collar hippy festival has been filled by some of music’s biggest arseholes, including the one with all the hair, the whiny American chap and that ridiculous Mancunian who has taken to selling t-shirts.

But now Michael Eavis, the simple multi-millionaire farmer who runs Glastonbury from his upside down head, has appealed to managers all over the world to check their schedules and see if one of their twats is available.

He added: “Obviously we’re disappointed. Bono truly is a once in a generation bellend.

“But perhaps this year will see the emergence of a new breed of utterly hellish prick who will prance around thinking he’s Jesus in front of a load of London-based media and marketing executives who’ve paid way too much for their funghi.

“Meanwhile, I’ve got to find something to do with this 200ft wide backdrop of Bono blessing Pope Benedict. I suppose we could make it into a duvet cover for a blue whale that really likes The Joshua Tree. My God, can you imagine anything worse?”

U2 were forced to cancel after Bono ruptured his back while trying to reconcile his support for third world debt relief with his Cote D’Azur mansion and his army of highly skilled tax accountants.

Coldplay have been suggested as a replacement, but even U2 fans have threatened to petrol bomb the main stage if Chris Martin is spotted so much as a foot inside the Somerset County Council boundary.