Gleeful Mobs Of Women Murdering Men In Western Art History

One of the greatest aspects of ancient Greek civilization was the persistent belief that there was nothing women liked better to do than assemble a gang, air their tits out, and roam the countryside beating men to death. This was, sadly, a myth, but it did not stop generations of European painters from imagining what savage bands of female murderesses might have looked like.

The Venn diagram of “female devotees of Dionysus who savagely tear apart Orpheus” and “parties I would love to attend” has an overlap of roughly 100%.

This is a fitting end for a man known for strolling about the ancient world playing unasked-for lyre solos at everyone. Look at how fun these stabbing bitches seem. Long, lush hair and sturdy biceps and leopard skins abound.

They’ve already ripped off the entire lower half of Pentheus’ body and they are not calling it a day. Gotta rip up the top half too. The official word for “Dionysus-crazed women ripping men and animals limb from limb,” by the way, is sparagmos. The ancient Greeks had a NAME for what happened when women tore men to pieces! Truly it was called the Golden Age of Civilization for a reason.

SMASH HIS HEAD OFF GIRL, HEADS ARE FOR WOMEN, THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE (SMASHING A MAN’S HEAD OFF WITH A ROCK)

True beauty is a severe brow, a no-nonsense haircut, and an armful of male limbs you’re about to rip off someone’s torso. That’s what Real Women look like.

Charlotte Corday actually did murder a man in real life – and by herself, too, sans sororal mob – but I think she still deserves to be included because of how beautiful the fabric on her murderin’ gown is.

How did all these French painters know exactly what Charlotte Corday was wearing that day? Either way, she looked amazing.

ON WEDNESDAYS WE PULL OUR DRESSES DOWN TO THE WAIST AND KILL MEN

someone get his harp, men cannot be killed unless you also destroy the instrument they were trying to play at you

Sometimes it’s best to stick with the basics: enormous, pointy sticks you use to alternately bludgeon and skewer a man in the woods with your best girlfriend.

WRAP YOURSELF IN SNAKES AND LEAVES AND BRING YOUR SHARPEST MURDERING SCYTHE, IT’S TIME FOR A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT

Nobody’s murdering his left leg! Get in the game, Red Cloak!

The Difference Between A Good Friend And A Best Friend:

A good friend will hold your scabbard while you use your short sword to murder a male stranger.

A best friend won’t have any hands free to hold your scabbard because she’ll be too busy grabbing him by the cloak and jabbing him with a stick.

[Images mostly via]