LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast majority of new parents, half insane with exhaustion, strongly desire that their child falls asleep; however, only hours later, rested and half insane with worry, they fervently wish to see their child wake once again,” said Dr. Frederick Kirk, lead author of the study, who noted that the median interim time between these two states—during which parents were indifferent to the consciousness of their infant children—was approximately 28 seconds. “Our study also observed several extreme instances in which parents would veer wildly between muttering, ‘Oh, goddammit,’ at the sound of the baby monitor and keening, ‘Oh, God, oh, God,’ when they heard nothing at all.” Kirk believes that this study may pave the way for research into other inexplicable parental behaviors, such as alternately hoping that a child eats followed by hoping that they stop eating so much, and, eventually, wishing that a teenager would do well in school but also desiring they get a job.

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