HELEN:

Margaret, can you believe it? A reporter called me to ask what I thought of the conventions. Why would anybody care about that? I keep telling Matthew that I can’t figure out why the hell anyone wants to read my garbage. I’m just a cranky old lady who wants her driver’s license back. It doesn’t matter what I think.

But as long as you are asking…

I think the Republicans had it hard. After four years of obstructing government, they had to do something really difficult. They had to put together a convention in Tampa while God flooded Louisianna. They had to convince a bunch of white, christians that camels are skinnier and needles have bigger eyes these days. And then they had to breathe life into a $3,000 business suit.

Listen, if you’re going to hold a convention and interrupt three days of my programs, then you better at least tell me something I didn’t already know. And you better damn well not take me for a fool. And speaking of fools, Ann Romney broke my heart. I am still horrified at the struggles she and Mitt had to go through before they got out of wealthy to become fantastically wealthy. It was just so emotional to watch her standing there in a pair of $1,300 shoes describing the horrors of their early years eating penne pasta and ahi tuna fish on an ironing board because Mitt asked his Dad for money to start a new business instead of for the new furniture she wanted. Well, my heart just broke for her. It did. And then to discover that the Romney’s had five boys who, even though they each had their own room and a pony, preferred to play war in the living room. Oh the humanity of it all. Her entire married life dealing with rich Republicans playing war. Can you imagine? We feel your pain, Ann. And those other people – The Obamas. Why they were young black folks living it up in America. We all know their kind has it so easy.

And speaking of easy, the guy who had it easiest was that Paul Ryan character. He had to give a speech in just under three hours knowing that he could say whatever the hell he wanted regardless of whether it’s true or not. Fact: Under the Ryan Budget, most elderly people would pay more for their health care than they would pay under the current Medicare system. But let’s not tell them that because they’re old and stupid and we haven’t figured out a way to supress their vote. Fact: You did request stimulus funds. I mean money is money right? What self-respecting Republican says no to money? Even when a black man is doling it out. Fact: I could whoop your ass in a marathon. Just under three hours? Were you wearing ankle weights? (OK – I got a little carried away on that last one.)

Seriously, the one who had it the hardest was, of course, Mitt. He had to look alive and almost human. He had to explain how he is Pro-Life whenever he isn’t running for an office that needs him to be Pro-Choice. He had to explain how he turned things around in Massachusetts by inventing Obamacare before Obama so that five years later he could explain how Obamacare is the root of all evil. And he had to make a case that Democrats are bad for business despite the fact that he amassed a fortune at Bain while Bill Clinton was President.

And speaking of Clinton, the Democrats had it easy. They have not one, but TWO former Presidents to call on. Imagine that, two former Democratic Presidents still living. Alive after all these years. All the Republicans have in their deck is a pair of jackasses, Dick Cheney and an empty chair.

No. The Republicans overcame horrific odds. First, they had to get all those white guys together under one roof in Tampa without an actual Nascar Race taking place. And then they had to deal with Mother Nature, I mean God, smiting people with a hurricane. It was so much easier for Democrats to get a diverse audience from all walks of life to come to Charlotte. After all the entire state of North Carolina is hermetically sealed and environmentally controlled. Even that weird little guy on Fox News said that Obama knew months ago what the weather would be like on the night he gave his speech. When I want an unbiased, fair and balanced weather forecast for the next few months, I tune into Fox News for weather on the hour, every hour or in this case on the month, every month.

By all accounts, the Democrats had it easy. After Tampa, they knew all the secrets. They knew for instance that fact checkers are going to actually check the facts. They also knew that remembering and mentioning our soldiers still fighting a war is a good way to show respect. They even knew that if the candidate’s wife was going to make the case that you understand the hardships of everyday Americans; you might want to make the case wearing shoes that cost less than most people’s mortgage payment.

Maybe it’s just me Margaret, but the Republicans have a real problem. Eventually a nun is going to show up and remind them that Jesus actually likes poor people. And I’ll be damned if the Democrats didn’t know that as well. I mean, if I was Paul Ryan, I’d be saying a few extra prayers before I tuck my calculator in at night. Because when a nun on a bus calls you out on your Pro-Life bullshit, that’s big.

The Republicans wasted three days of my life last week and they wasted the last four years trying to negate our votes in 2008 by doing everything they could to try and make Obama fail. He didn’t and I am voting for hope and change again. In 2008 more than 69 million Americans voted for Obama which means he received the most votes for a presidential candidate in American history. And some of them were old, white people like me. Maybe this time, the Republicans in Congress will know we mean it. Really.

MARGARET:

Oh dear. Did Reagan die?

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