If I could have everyone’s attention for a moment. Before we do Secret Santa, we have a few special announcements.

In November 1994, Donald Trump and then-wife Marla Maples posed with Snow White, Prince Charming, and the Seven Dwarfs, before a performance by Walt Disney’s World on Ice for New York’s PS 59. Can we expect the names of the Seven Dwarfs to be banned?

We’ve had such a rapid response to our Surprise Project Orwell — banning the words: “fetus,” “transgender,” “diversity,” “entitlement,” “evidence-based” (okay, technically two words), “vulnerable,” and “science-based” (two words, again, our bad!) from official health documents — that we’d like to extend a special thanks to Team Irony, come on up here! This is the same group who just brought us the judicial nominee who’d never tried a case and was rated unqualified by the American Bar Association! Give those guys some extra eggnog!


The word ban has been so unpopular, in fact, that we’re eager to expand upon the concept. So, before you leave, drop off your response cards to the following fresh word-elimination proposals:

The President’s Council on Fitness, Sports, Nutrition, and Games of Chance may no longer use the “inappropriately suggestive” winter sports expressions “biathlon,” “trans-alpine,” “virgin snow,” “going downhill,” “skating on thin ice,” “white out,” “lutz” or “death spiral.” “Free-rider” and “fake snow,” would be allowed and encouraged, and, to promote the peaceful acceptance of the administration’s decision to move the US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, the word “shalom” may be used interchangeably with “slalom.”

In keeping with policy, those who decide to carol in public are advised that the line “Don we now our gay apparel,” has been changed to “GAP” apparel. And to address charges we’re anti-woman, the line will be “Donna,” not “Don.”

Federal Trade Commission documents regarding the Disney/FOX deal carry the following restrictions: When discussing “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” you must not use the negative terms “Grumpy,” “Sleepy,” “Sneezy,” “Bashful,” and especially not “Dopey,” or “Doc,” which sounds too much like DACA. Proposed replacement phrases include: “small roommates who many consider to live in the woods,” and “those who the community wishes would stop whistling constantly, all day, especially in the workplace,” and, specifically, to replace the problematic “Doc” with “pint-sized Obamacare Administrator.”


Any comment on the new “Star Wars” movie can no longer contain the words: “Resistance,” “The New Republic,” “Jedi,” “galaxy,” “Leia,” “force” or “sequel.” “The dark side,” and “Darth” are still encouraged. Scenes with C-3PO will be excised.

The FCC will be monitoring New Year’s Eve broadcasts, and will slow down any live streams containing the following newly banned words: “worst,” “year,” “ever,” and “hopefully,” “future,” “improvement,” also, in reference to Champagne, “corker.”

Finally, in honor of the season in which we all try to be nice, not naughty, the seven deadly sins: “Gluttony,” “greed,” “lust,” “sorrow,” “sloth,” “wrath,” and “vanity,” will be replaced with the easy to remember adjective “presidential.”

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.