Former Governor Mike Huckabee, fresh off of traumatizing Twitter with an all-too graphic description of his colonoscopy, is ready to educate your children about American history! Not like, real American history, but a pretend American history that they can be very proud of, so long as they don’t actually read anything else or talk to anyone outside of their immediate families for the rest of their lives. In the form of a free DVD that can be yours… with $1 in shipping and handling.

Take that, Rick Santorum‘s movie studio!

The DVD, titled “Great Again: Restoring Faith in America,” uses computer animation from 1995 to show children the importance of “Making America Great Again” while teaching them all about how God totally founded America.

SEND YOUR KIDS ON A TIME-TRAVELING ADVENTURE TO DISCOVER HOW FAITH IN GOD WILL RESTORE AMERICA’S GREATNESS! Do your children realize the key to America’s greatness is the incredible role that God has played in shaping our nation’s history? In the fascinating film, “Great Again: Restoring Faith in America”, from Mike Huckabee’s Learn Our History, your kids will learn how God has always been the driving force of America’s greatness!

It is never explained how these children are traversing the space-time continuum, but I’d like to think that, instead of a police box, they are using some kind of enchanted Thomas Kinkade figurine.

But let’s check out the full trailer, shall we?

Naturally, a Donald Trump speech about how much America loves God provides the background for this whirlwind time travel adventure to an America that never was.

We then cut to a really touching scene in which a modern American teenage girl sits next to (I assume, because of the hair) Thomas Jefferson, saying “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

It is fair to assume that, following this interaction, Jefferson shooed her away and explained that voting and rights were for the menfolk. Specifically the Christian menfolk. And, more specifically the white Christian menfolk. Then he probably went off to go rape Sally Hemings.

We then cut to Jefferson saying, “God figures into all things, and is the basis for our precious freedom,” which is not a thing Thomas Jefferson or anyone other than this cartoon version of Thomas Jefferson actually said in real life.

We then cut to Abraham Lincoln saying, “What terrible ends would we suffer without God’s daily guidance?,” which is not a thing Abraham Lincoln or anyone other than this cartoon version of Abraham Lincoln ever said in real life.

According to this shoddily animated feature, not only did God definitely found America, he founded it for Christians, not for all you liberal heathens with your “We Support Christmas and Chanukah!” signs. Because duh, it’s not like God went out of his way to found America just so people could celebrate Chanukah in it! That would just be silly. And certainly not for people who think there should be a separation of church and state. Even though that’s something Thomas Jefferson actually did say in his letter to the Danbury Baptists.

And he certainly didn’t found it for all you smug atheist professors with your, uh, white guy dreads, who refuse to believe that God founded America in spite of all those quotes Mike Huckabee just made up.

Get with the times, Huckabee! No smug liberal atheist professor worth his salt is gonna be walking around all culturally appropriative like that!

The trailer concludes with Donald Trump explaining how we won’t have unity in this country until everyone is a Christian. Then, I guess, we can get all get along — just like these two white dudes!

Wow! What a beautiful and definitely not made up story. So beautiful, in fact, that I signed up and paid $1 to get the whole DVD. It comes, supposedly, with access to the full streaming version of this and many other online features, which I have yet to gain access to. So if we’re all lucky, I will be able to post a review of the whole video soon, in all of its majesty.

Something to look forward to, I am sure.

