I stumbled upon a blog recently and it summed up perfectly all the things I’ve heard (or not heard) these past months that have left me feeling bewildered. The post is candid and useful because I know it is an awkward conversation. So many people in my life were unsure of what to say or do. Many had never really thought about the disease and suddenly it was here, in their midst.

“Well, I don’t know what I want to hear,” I would assure them

And in the beginning I had no clue. I still don’t know entirely but I’ve been on this crazy ride for months now and I have a better idea. So here you go, a guide of what not to do or say to the recently diagnosed:

Do not ignore them. Do not stop calling them because suddenly you don’t know what to say. Do not try to avoid them in social situations because you are uncomfortable.

Do not give them the line, “if there’s anything I can do just tell me…”, unless you are absolutely certain that you would do ANYTHING for them. Just don’t say it. Because most people don’t mean it. If you really want to do something for them, come up with the idea yourself, and then do it. Send them flowers, or a book, or bring over dinner for them.

Go up to them. Call them. E-mail them. Tell them, first, that you heard about the cancer. Tell them second that you think it sucks and you’re sorry to hear about it.

Don’t talk about your uncle who died of the same cancer. Don’t talk about how your whole family has had cancer, and you’ll probably die of it, too. Don’t talk about how many people die of it every year. Don’t talk about death.

Don’t talk about how you once got diagnosed with pneumonia, so you can understand what it’s like. No you can’t. Don’t try. Tell them you can’t even imagine what it’s like to go through something like this.

Do not talk about the alternative medicine that you read about in Crazy Monthly, that is sure to cure them of their disease. Don’t tell them that their treatment isn’t good for them, and that lot’s of people end up dying from the treatments, or that chemotherapy is just a big conspiracy between the government and the pharmaceutical companies, etc., etc. Don’t tell them how they got it. Just stop. They don’t need to hear about it.

If they are sad about it, don’t tell them that they shouldn’t be sad. They have a right to be sad, or exhausted, or whatever it is they feel. Don’t tell them what to do.

Ask them about the treatment – then listen to the response. It might be a long response, with a lot of medical terms. Listen anyway. It’s all they probably think about right now, anyway, so just let them talk about it.

Give them a hug, or a handshake, or a pat on the back. Touch them somehow. Tell them that you’re concerned for them, and you’re looking forward to them being a cancer survivor.

(source: http://tinyurl.com/74m6898)

To this I’ll add, please don’t insist “I know everything will be okay!” Because you don’t know. No one does. It can feel like you are dismissing the situation’s uncertainty and difficulty. A close friend said to me by way of explanation, “I don’t pay you much attention because I don’t think of you as sick. I believe, without any doubt you’ll be fine.” It is a lovely thought and I fervently hope so. In the meanwhile this is hard to deal with and I would appreciate your support, if you can spare it. So no matter how much you’ve convinced yourself this isn’t serious or this isn’t happening. It’s happening. A former editor replied, when I revealed my diagnosis, ‘I wish you strength.’ I liked that.

However! (my god these people with their cancer, you’re thinking. They are SO ANNOYING with their feelings and their needs! I know.I know. I’ll end soon) It is slightly grating when people declare that they would never have the strength or the ability to handle this. While I appreciate the sentiment, the falsity makes me cringe. It isn’t true. If someone had asked me 6 months ago if I could stomach this life, I too would have said “I cannot imagine it.” But here I am. Bad things happen, you try to deal, you try to move on. What is the alternative?

And please, please, PLEASE do not say; “hey! so what? any one of us could get knocked down by a bus you know?”

Often I am just as confused as you are. I know because I struggle to respond to all the support I do get – which has been moving. It isn’t from a lack of gratitude or time – I have both of those, in spades.

But is a foreign and surreal situation and I simply do not know what to say.

This is new to me too.