Imagine a world where you were judged not by your color or creed, but by your character alone. A world where you could be free to be exactly who you are, love who you love and listen to whatever awful pop music you wanted to that just repeats one word over and over again during the chorus without being persecuted.

Well, that world doesn’t exist. Grow up and get a job.

But you can get a glimpse of that world at a little South American place called Empanada Madness.

Please notice the bars. That’s a sign as old as time itself that this place is going to be fucking great.

So how does this place act as a looking glass into a utopia? Let’s do a play by play.

Katie and I drive up, park and hide all of our valuables from sight (because bars on windows. That’s basic White People 101). Walking up to it, we see an amazing poster for a group called Plan B, which is something their mothers probably should have used based off the fact that their clothing has more plastic jewels on it than the ball pit of a Chuck-E-Cheese after a Toddlers in Tiaras pageant.

Entering the restaurant, we were met by something that National Geographic has told us for years was impossible.

All the races, together, at one place, not eating each other.

It was glorious.

To the left was a black family eating amazing empanadas. To the right, a Vietnamese couple with a newborn were eating some awesome Spanish rice dish. In the back corner, a super nerdy group of white people not eyeing everyone suspiciously. And everywhere else were varied groups of Hispanics, which made me feel SUPER good about coming here. It’s always a good sign when you go to an ethnic restaurant that’s filled with that ethnicity. Whenever I walk into, say, a pho place and it’s filled with all white people, I know I’m in for a disappointing, bland meal.

We sit down, look at the menu and order.

While we wait, they bring out water. Why is this important? Because they use bendy straws.

Which instantly makes this place great.

How’s the service so far?

Well, I had to order a coke three times before it came out. I would have been a little ticked if they hadn’t been so friendly. They were really nice, but very forgetful.

So what did we order?

I went with two shredded beef empanadas with a side of yellow rice and black beans.

You can get the empanadas with cornmeal or flour, but you should get them with cornmeal. It’s better. And they will respect you more.

Really simple things. Just fried cornmeal and delicious shredded beef. Very satisfying. There are three sauces on the table that you can use as well.

An amazing garlic sauce. A super spicy and awesome habanero sauce. And an avocado sauce that would have killed me if I used it.

Definitely use the sauces. They honestly make the meal.

Katie got a beef tamale with an egg and potato empanada. It was served with a sad looking side salad.

Again, use the sauces. They were great. Especially the garlic. So yum.

And the bathrooms?

Remember in Mario 64 the hallway leading to Bowser? Do you recall that if you didn’t have enough stars, you’d run and run and run but would never make it? Doomed to run for all eternity towards a portrait of a princess turned dinosaur that was just out of reach like some coded, gamified tale of Tantalus?

That’s what their bathroom is like.

Wow. This is a super long hallway. Glad I only kinda need to pee.

Man this is taking forever, Katie’s probably pissed.

How long have I been walking? A minute? An hour?

It’s been at least three days. I’ve got to be close now.

Was there ever a time when I was not walking?

What is time?

Who am I?

Am I doomed to exist in this timeless limbo forever?

I am a timeless God now. The seconds of the universe hold no power over me.

WITNESS ME AS I WALK INTO ETERNITY.

Oh cool. I made it.

Bathroom had a damp feel to it.

How would we rate it?

RYAN:

Taste: 8/10

Value: 7/10

Environment: 6/10

Bathroom: Forever.

KATIE:

Taste: 7/10

Value: 7/10

Environment: 5/10

Bathroom: Ryan was in there for awhile.

Verdict? Go there. Enjoy.

Empanada Madness

906 Southwest Blvd, Kansas City, MO 64108

Open 10:30AM–8PM 7 days a week.