It's looking pretty likely that Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer and one-pitch pitcher in MLB history, will play his last game this Sunday. He holds the saves record at 652, but this only scratches the surface of his statistical dominance. His 2.21 ERA translates to a park- and era-adjusted ERA+ of 205, which is the highest of all time (it's not even close), and his 1.0013 career WHIP is the third-lowest of all time, and the lowest of the last 97 years. As good as he was in the regular season he was about twice as good in the postseason, posting an ERA of 0.70 and a WHIP of 0.759 in 141 innings. Etc., etc.


Like anyone who retires from a job after nearly two decades, Rivera has spent the season accepting shitty presents from his coworkers, some of whom he hardly even knew. Here's all the tacky shit that Rivera has received on his farewell tour, ranked in order of Rivera's regular-season ERA against that team.

San Diego Padres: Beach Cruisers (5)

Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.400 WHIP, 4 saves, 5.0 IP

0.00 ERA, 0.400 WHIP, 4 saves, 5.0 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 1.154 WHIP, 3 saves, 4.1 IP


San Francisco Giants: Signed Guitar + Ugly Art

Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.632 WHIP, 2 saves, 6.1 IP

0.00 ERA, 0.632 WHIP, 2 saves, 6.1 IP Postseason: None

The guitar is signed by Willie Mays, which is kind of badass.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Fishing Rod

Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.333 WHIP, 3 saves, 6.0 IP

0.00 ERA, 0.333 WHIP, 3 saves, 6.0 IP Postseason: None


Colorado Rockies: Donation To Rivera's Charity

Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.600 WHIP, 5 saves, 5.0 IP

0.00 ERA, 0.600 WHIP, 5 saves, 5.0 IP Postseason: None

The Rockies probably give a lot of gift cards for birthday presents. Also, most of the teams that gave actual gifts also included a donation.


The All-Star Game: Ugly MVP Award

Regular Season: 0.00 ERA, 0.556 WHIP, 4 saves, 9.0 IP


Minnesota Twins: Broken Bat Chair

Regular Season: 1.24 ERA, 0.798 WHIP, 36 saves, 72.2 IP

1.24 ERA, 0.798 WHIP, 36 saves, 72.2 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.540 WHIP, 5 saves, 16.2 IP


Chicago White Sox: Scorecards + Donation

Regular Season: 1.26 ERA, 0.779 WHIP, 43 saves, 86.0 IP

1.26 ERA, 0.779 WHIP, 43 saves, 86.0 IP Postseason: None

Detroit Tigers: Commemorative Plaque, Dirt From Mound

Regular Season: 1.34 ERA, 0.692 WHIP, 30 saves, 60.2 IP

1.34 ERA, 0.692 WHIP, 30 saves, 60.2 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.429 WHIP, 0 saves, 2.1 IP

The dirt is in those little bottles.


Kansas City Royals: Donation

Regular Season: 1.68 ERA, 0.976 WHIP, 37 saves, 69.2 IP

1.68 ERA, 0.976 WHIP, 37 saves, 69.2 IP Postseason: Lol no

Tampa Bay Rays: Creepy Sand Sculpture

Regular Season: 1.71 ERA, 0.933 WHIP, 64 saves, 105.0 IP

1.71 ERA, 0.933 WHIP, 64 saves, 105.0 IP Postseason: None


Toronto Blue Jays: Inuit Sculpture

Regular Season: 1.81 ERA, 0.958 WHIP, 54 saves, 104.1 IP

1.81 ERA, 0.958 WHIP, 54 saves, 104.1 IP Postseason: None


Texas Rangers: Cowboy Stuff

Regular Season: 2.23 ERA, 1.218 WHIP, 40 saves, 88.2 IP

2.23 ERA, 1.218 WHIP, 40 saves, 88.2 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.429 WHIP, 5 saves, 14.0 IP


Oakland A's: Surfboard + Wine

Regular Season: 2.27 ERA, 1.099 WHIP, 35 saves, 87.1 IP

2.27 ERA, 1.099 WHIP, 35 saves, 87.1 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 0.600 WHIP, 5 saves, 10.0 IP


Seattle Mariners: Donation

Regular Season: 2.63 ERA, 1.081 WHIP, 37 saves, 78.2 IP

2.63 ERA, 1.081 WHIP, 37 saves, 78.2 IP Postseason: 1.23 ERA, 0.750 WHIP, 3 saves, 14.2 IP

Cleveland Indians: Gold Metallica Record

Regular Season: 2.73 ERA, 1.079 WHIP, 31 saves, 59.1 IP

2.73 ERA, 1.079 WHIP, 31 saves, 59.1 IP Postseason: 0.73 ERA, 0.486 WHIP, 2 saves, 12.1 IP


Boston Red Sox: Painting + Various Pieces Of Fenway Park Crap

Regular Season: 2.86 ERA, 1.246 WHIP, 58 saves, 126.0 IP

2.86 ERA, 1.246 WHIP, 58 saves, 126.0 IP Postseason: 0.92 ERA, 0.915 WHIP, 6 saves, 19.2 IP


Baltimore Orioles: Broken Bat Sculpture

Regular Season: 3.04 ERA, 1.028 WHIP, 79 saves, 142.0 IP

3.04 ERA, 1.028 WHIP, 79 saves, 142.0 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 1.750 WHIP, 0 saves, 4.0 IP


New York Mets: Fire Nozzle & Call Box

Regular Season: 3.53 ERA, 1.121 WHIP, 20 saves, 35.2 IP

3.53 ERA, 1.121 WHIP, 20 saves, 35.2 IP Postseason: 3.00 ERA, 0.833 WHIP, 2 saves, 6.0 IP


Anaheim Angels: Horrible Portrait

Regular Season: 3.75ERA, 1.283 WHIP, 28 saves, 62.1 IP

3.75ERA, 1.283 WHIP, 28 saves, 62.1 IP Postseason: 0.00 ERA, 1.000 WHIP, 1 save, 1.0 IP

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