BRIAN MURPHY: Hey, guys! It’s Murph, your Dungeon Master. I’m gonna be running the game for the podcast and for my players — Emily, Jake, and Caldwell — but first I wanna real-quick plug our projects.

Emily and I wrote a satirical relationship-advice book called ‘HEY, U UP?: How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact’; it’s out now and you can get it on Amazon. Check out Caldwell on YouTube.com/Drawfee, as well as on his podcast, ‘What Should We Draw?’ with Nathan Yaffe. And, of course, listen to ‘If I Were You’ with Jake & Amir.

There you go! Plugs over, let’s get into it! Let’s get into the backstory for this campaign, because it wouldn’t be Dungeons & Dragons without me dumping a whole bunch of lore on you up top. So, without further ado, I welcome you to the realm of Bahumia.

[epic music plays]

MURPH: A few years ago, an evil necromancer attempted to conquer the realm in the name of Asmodeus, ruler of the nine hells — but he met his match against three legendary heroes: Thiala, the human Cleric; Ulfgar, the dwarf Fighter; and Alonis, the elf Wizard. After a valiant campaign, the heroes amassed a great army and defeated the necromancer on the battlefield, then traveled to the nine hells and destroyed Asmodeus himself.

The realm rejoiced… for a little while. Then everything started sucking ass again.

The three heroes did everything you’re supposed to do in a D&D campaign: they convinced the isolationist high elves to join the war, they restored a rightful heir to his throne, and they toppled the dark kingdom… but those actions all have consequences. The high elves are now on the verge of extinction, the rightful king is a terrible politician, and the orcs without a homeland have split off into nomadic clans and cause more trouble than they did before.

This is a morally-grey post-war world that still has its share of problems; many of them caused by the very heroes who quote-unquote ‘saved it’. To make matters worse, Thiala, Ulfgar, and Alonis have gone into hiding and haven’t been seen in over a year. Now my players are gonna try and clean up their mess.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign — this is Not Another D&D Podcast! Let’s meet our party:

JAKE HURWITZ: [as Hardwon; gruff voice] Hardwon Surefoot, the bastard of the mountain: a human Fighter raised by dwarves. Thick of calf and quad, six-foot-six of muscle and beard. The greataxe of Irondeep. Pride of the dwarphanage. Having dug further into Irondeep than any man or dwarf before him, Hardwon believes his next great adventure lies above-ground and has set off to see the world.

CALDWELL TANNER: [as Beverly; high-pitched, excited voice] Beverly Toegold, pure-hearted halfling youth from the city of Galaderon. A five-leaf Green Teen novice Paladin in pursuit of the ultimate merit patches! Beverly has never disobeyed his mom, and is an extremely good boy.

EMILY AXFORD: [as Moonshine; southern drawl] Moonshine Cybin, Crick-elf Druid; lover of fungus and ambassador of decay. Her people were ostracized by the high elves to the dank shores of The Crick, but now sumthin’s amiss at the ol’ Crick! Accompanied by her loyal possum, PawPaw Gump! Freckled, ferocious, and dangerously fertile.

MURPH: Welcome to the first episode of the podcast, everyone!

[Emily applauds and cheers]

JAKE: Alright!

MURPH: I’m your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell Tanner, Emily Axford — guys, we’re doin’ it!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Let’s get crackin’!

JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] It’s finally happening.

MURPH: Jake, your first D&D session ever — and it’s being recorded.

JAKE: [laughs; pained voice] I’m so excited.

[all laugh]

JAKE: I gotta… just like, this isn’t a podcast to me. I’m just here for the fuckin’… for the journey, man.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: [imitating Jake] “I’m here for the rolls.”

JAKE: Yeah, also: Jake Hurwitz is not on this podcast, it’s Hardwon Surefoot.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Oh, shit. Fully in-character.

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] That’s right.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s true — Emily Axford is DEAD. She’s six feet under.

[all laugh]

MURPH: So let me tell you guys a little bit about this place that you guys are going, and then you guys can tell the audience why your character is going to this village.

JAKE: Ooh!

MURPH: So you guys are going to the fishing village of Moonstone.

[ambient music plays]

MURPH: So, the village of Moonshine was founded fifty years ago by an old halfling druid named Thistle. She was a hermit who placed a powerful magic trident at the bottom of the bay, which lured in all sorts of aquatic creatures from the sea and made for easy fishing. So, soon the bay started to attract other settlers, and Moonstone grew from Thistle’s singular little hut to a bustling village. But, just as it was growing and establishing trade with nearby settlements, an evil dragon named Shadowfang took residence in an old abandoned keep in the swamp to the north of the village, and began terrorizing them.

So, Shadowfang would send her henchmen — the lowly, dragon-worshiping kobolds — to, like, collect gifts and taxes from the villagers under the threat of violence. Then that all changed two years ago, when the legendary party of three heroes arrived at Moonstone, killed Shadowfang, freed the village from the grip of the dragon, and inadvertently left them open to a whole new slough of problems.

JAKE: Oh, fuck.

EMILY: Can I ask a real quick question?

MURPH: Please.

EMILY: Where is Shadowfang’s bod now?

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: You don’t know.

EMILY: Really!?

MURPH: You know— I mean, you know that he’s dead. His bones, like, you—

EMILY: [crosstalk] I wanna find his skeleton and animate it. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah, dude!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Wait — he or she?

MURPH: She! Sorry, she. She.

JAKE: Okay.

EMILY: Oh! It’s a girl dragon!?

MURPH: It’s a lady dragon.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.

MURPH: [crosstalk] A lady dragon.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, bitch! Qween! Bow down! [laughs]

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] How do you tell a lady dragon from a male dragon?

MURPH: [crosstalk] She has a big pussy instead of a big dick.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Huge tits. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Whoa! Huge dragon pussy!

MURPH: Just a huge dragon pussy.

EMILY: Just, yeah. Fire comes out of it, also.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: [crosstalk] That’s how you know when she’s read-ayyy. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] No, yeah. A fire-queef. [farting noise; laughs]

MURPH: A male dragon has enormous, human-like testicles…

CALDWELL: Right. Just swingin’. [laughs]

MURPH: …and a giant, thick penis.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: [crosstalk] It’s like, she didn’t have one of those.

JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s the part you don’t see in Lord of the Rings.

MURPH: Right. [laughs]

EMILY: ‘Cuz they’re always sitting on gold, so you can’t see!

JAKE:[crosstalk] That’s right; they’re always fucking the gold.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah. Yeah, they’re— [laughs]

MURPH: [crosstalk] This is the truth that Tolkien won’t tell you:

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

MURPH: — is that dragons have dicks and pussies.

[all laugh]

JAKE: You know those, like… the movie where you just see the shadow of the dragon flying?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

[all laugh]

JAKE: [crosstalk] — but there’s like a flapping dick behind him.

MURPH: [crosstalk] A dick, waving in the air!

EMILY: It just… first it, like, slowly comes in: you see the flapping wings, and then behind it a flapping dick. [laughs]

JAKE: God, I would love to see just somebody recutting this. [laughs] Adding dicks on dragons would be really funny.

CALDWELL: I think on the journey to Moonstone Beverly’s reading a book about dragons, ‘cuz he’s probably interested in the lore of Shadowfang.

MURPH: Yeah.

CALDWELL: — and he’s like underlining that passage.

EMILY: Ooh! What is—

MURPH: It’s funny; as I was prepping for this, I was worried. I was like, “They’re gonna ask stupid questions like ‘how do dragons breed’ or something, and I’m gonna need something…”

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. [laughs]

MURPH: — but I was like, “You know what? No, it’ll be safe,” but — no. Now dragons have dicks and pussies, okay!?

[all laugh]

JAKE: Yeah! [laughs]

MURPH: You fuckin’ stumped me; they have dicks.

EMILY: Can I just go back to Beverly highlighting his copy?

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: Can we just assume you’re using some kind of, like, berry to highlight?

JAKE: [laughs] Oh, that’s cool.

EMILY: Like, there’s some kind of berry that you’re just squeezing to highlight.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Absolutely.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Got a bush full of highlighter-berries.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] No, it’s probably like… it’s, like, a lightning bug.

EMILY: Ooh! [laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah, I’ve got, like, a quill with lightning bug ink.

MURPH: So, guys, why are— Moonshine, why are you going to Moonstone?

EMILY: Okay. So, as I’ve mentioned, I come from The Crick. Something’s amiss at The Crick. But there’s another thing too, which is that…

JAKE: [laughs; imitating Moonshine] “Sumthin’s amiss at The Crick.”

EMILY: [laughs] Sumthin’s amiss at The Crick! But I also am— basically, like… real-quick background on the Crick-elves: they are a maternal society. There’s one MeeMaw who gives birth to all the young’uns.

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: — and Moonshine has a lot of pressure to become the next MeeMaw, because she’s so fertile, but she’s not ready to make young’uns — she wants to spread spores. So I’m kind of like using the fact that something’s amiss at The Crick as, like, a reason to go out and adventure and not have to just be a young’un-maker.

MURPH: Right.

CALDWELL: Right.

MURPH: And why is Beverly going to Moonstone?

CALDWELL: Beverly’s going to Moonstone to meet up with the rest of his troop, ‘cuz there is a Green Teen jamboree!

[all laugh]

MURPH: A Green Teen Jamboreen, weirdly, is what it’s called.

CALDWELL: A Green Teen Jamboreen!

MURPH: — that’s what the flyers said.

CALDWELL: That’s what all—

EMILY: Oh, my God; Moonshine’s gonna see that flyer and be like, “Oh, a jamboree!? Alright!”

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh. [imitating Moonshine] “Oh boy! Jamboreen!” I’m gonna buy the t-shirt—

MURPH: [crosstalk] I love that Hardwon and Moonshine are both going there to, like, satisfy their wanderlust…

JAKE: Right.

MURPH: — and Caldwell’s character just has a Boy Scout meeting.

CALDWELL: Yeah!

EMILY: Yeah, he’s, like, literally on a field trip.

JAKE: [imitating Beverly] “It’s a Teen meetup!”

CALDWELL: Oh, no—

MURPH: Really, he’s the only one who actually has a reason to be there. Everyone is like… they’re walkin’ around, and went to this town!

[Jake & Emily laugh]

CALDWELL: Yeah, I believe my parents were a little concerned about me going to Moonstone, because it’s, you know, gotten a little less safe over the years, but my scoutmaster — who I’m meeting there — helped convince them that it would be fine because, y’know, like… there’s gonna be a lot of adults present, there’s gonna be a lot of chaperones…

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: — and at the Jamboreen I’m’ going to be working to earn a lot of the last patches that I need for my six-leaf.

MURPH: [crosstalk] They’re gonna be so proud of you.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Quick question, quick question…

CALDWELL:[crosstalk] Yes, yes!

EMILY: Are there girls that are gonna be at the Jamboreen, or is this sort of an all-boy dance? [laughs]

MURPH: [crosstalk] There are girls in the Green Teens. There are.

CALDWELL:[crosstalk] I think there— I think it’s a— yeah.

EMILY: Oh, there are?

MURPH: Yeah, they pushed for it, and… y’know.

EMILY: Whoa…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] It’s a recent—

JAKE: [crosstalk] Bahumia is the world I want to live in!

EMILY: [crosstalk] I know!

MURPH: [crosstalk] There were some more homophobic, sexist halflings that didn’t want to let them in, but…

CALDWELL: Right.

MURPH: — they kinda got ousted.

EMILY: Whoa…

CALDWELL: I mean, yeah. Green Teens is still a super-religious organization…

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Yeah.

CALDWELL: — but they are gender-neutral.

MURPH: Their Cub Scouts are still called ‘Boy Pals’, even though there are some girl pals in there.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Right. Uh-huh.

EMILY: [laughs] ‘Gal Pals’! ‘Gal Pals’.

MURPH: So, Hardwon, why are you going to Moonstone?

JAKE: Hardwon left the mountain thinking that he was going to walk into anytime and be well-received — like, with a parade…

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: — and instantly found out that nobody knew who he was, and all the hotels were full.

[Murph & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Sort of a jacked Jesus, if you will.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Yeah. [laughs] He went in assuming he’d have a free room somewhere, and they were like, “Uh, you need a reservation, we’re full, you don’t have enough money…”

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: So many factors.

JAKE: He didn’t know what to do, and now he’s wandered off the road. He’s thinking he might try and look for a fishing job in this village.

CALDWELL: Huh.

MURPH: Oh, okay!

JAKE: Try to earn a little dough.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Wow. Earn a little scratch.

EMILY: [laughs] Ooh! Has he ever fished before? Is he just—

JAKE: No.

[all laugh]

JAKE: But Hardwon is: “I can do anything.”

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah, I bet you— I think, for you, fishing probably means, like, diving under the water and just grabbing a fish.

JAKE: Yeah.

EMILY: I mean, that’s definitely what it means for Moonshine.

CALDWELL: Right.

EMILY: For Moonshine, you make a little trap in the mud, and then the fish swim in.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Mhm.

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Dope! A mud-fish!

MURPH: [crosstalk: laughs] Wait… fishing? For the…?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; southern drawl] So, a trap in the mud—

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, well, at the bottom of—

MURPH: Oh, in the bottom! Okay.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; southern drawl] Yeah.

EMILY:[crosstalk] Yeah, in the bottom of The Crick there’s a lot of mud…

MURPH: Oh, right!

EMILY: [crosstalk] — you make little traps, fish swims into it, then you… [laughs]

MURPHY: [crosstalk] Sorry, I forgot that they were fishing in The Crick.

CALDWELL:[southern drawl] What you do is you get a milk jug, you tie a fishin’ line to it…

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [southern drawl] Well, maybe there’s not a lot of fish in The Crick anymore. Sumthin’s amiss at The Crick.

MURPH: [crosstalk; southern drawl] Right, sumthin’s amiss at The Crick. Sumthin’ ain’t right. Sumthin’ ain’t right in these here woods.

EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] That is true, there’s not nearly as many fish as there should be. And the fish that are there? They’re swimmin’ the wrong way! [laughs]

JAKE: [southern drawl; laughs] No!

CALDWELL: [laughs] I’m picturing that scene from Lord of the Rings where Legolas says, “Blood has been spilled this night,” but he just goes, [dramatic southern drawl] “Sumthin’ ain’t right.”

[all laugh]

MURPH: [southern drawl] “Sumthin’ ain’t right in The Crick.” Alright, guys, let’s get into it!

CALDWELL: Nice!

EMILY: — and the skeeters! The skeeters are takin’ over The Crick! [laughs]

CALDWELL: [southern drawl] Aw, they’re big’uns too.

MURPH: EXT. MOONSTONE — NIGHT. I’m just kidding, I didn’t actually write that.

[all laugh]

MURPH: [crosstalk] Kind of epic, right? [laughs] Emily shut the fuck up and perked up.

JAKE: [crosstalk] I’ve never heard— yeah.

EMILY: [crosstalk] I was ready; I shut the fuck up! I was like, “Yes, daddy? Yes, daddy storyteller?”

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah!

[Jake laughs; ambient music plays]

MURPH: Okay, so… a man in a hooded cloak makes his way into Moonstone after traveling many miles off the main roads to the east. He had no trouble finding it, even at night; the glowing waters of the enchanted bay light up the entire village with a white-blue glow, like snow reflecting moonlight. A dirt path leads him past simple stone houses with thatched roofs, many of them covered in moss with purple and yellow and white flowers. It smells fresh, like a spring rain — which is not something one might expect from a fishing village, but clearly the influence of the druids is strong here.

He heads for the only building in the city that appears to have any life at this hour: The Hungry Trout Inn & Tavern. He enters to the sounds of an old bard playing a jaunty tune on the fiddle… Caldwell, can you give me a little fiddle sound?

[Caldwell makes obnoxious twangy fiddle noises; Murph & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Alright. There’s a fireplace on the far… alright — Caldwell, cut!

[Caldwell stops; all laugh]

JAKE: More fiddle, Caldwell! [laughs]

EMILY:[crosstalk] Oh, that is a good—

JAKE: [crosstalk] — and Emily, washboard!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah! Ooh, that should be my instrument! You know how I get to have…?

MURPH: [crosstalk] Oh! You can have a washboard. Write that down in your inventory that you have a washboard.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah. Great.

EMILY: I was gonna play — ‘cuz, as an Outlander, I get a musical instrument — I was gonna play a blade of grass. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Two blades of— [laughs]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Washboard’s way better.

EMILY: [crosstalk] But, Murph, can I have a washboard and a blade of grass?

MURPH: You can have a washboard and a blade of grass, sure.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yes!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] …where are you going to find a blade of grass?

MURPH: So this cloaked man enters the tavern to the sounds of an old bard playing a jaunty tune on the fiddle. There’s a fire—

[Caldwell makes fiddle sounds; all laugh]

MURPH: No! I should’ve never asked for this!

[actual fiddle music plays]

MURPH: So there’s a fireplace on the far right side of the room, and lanterns with candles fill the tavern with a warm glow. Closest to him is a group of three fishermen sitting at a table, drinking ale and sharing a quiet conversation. Across the room, near the fire, is a group of four barbarians, drunk and rowdy.

Sitting at the bar is a single, young, twenty-something halfling boy — sitting by himself, nervously sipping his drink. The bartender is an older, half-orc woman — sturdy and serious. She bears a horrible burn scar across the entire left side of her body. The man; the traveler; the bastard of the mountain—

JAKE: Ooh!

MURPH: — takes off his hood, and removes his Goggles of the Night.

CALDWELL: [laughs] — wait…

MURPH: The strong-jawed, pensive face of Hardwon Surefoot surveys the scene.

CALDWELL: [laughs] I don’t like this; it makes it seem like he’s the main character!

JAKE: [laughs] That’s fine!

[all laugh]

JAKE: “Quiet, fiddle-player!”

MURPH: [laughs] What do you do? [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: I guess… I’m standing there, drinking in the beautiful sounds of the fiddle.

[all laugh; Caldwell makes fiddle sounds]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Homeless, by the way. Right? Homeless?

MURPH: [crosstalk; laughs] Jake’s first move playing D&D is drinking in the sounds of the fiddle!

[all laugh]

EMILY: I think you’re gonna be pretty good at this!

[all laugh again; Caldwell makes more fiddle sounds]

JAKE: [laughs] I let the fiddle wash over me.

MURPH: [laughs] — Hardwon just standing at the doorway, just, like, kinda tapping his toes! He’s just, like, listening to the fiddle! [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] He’s never heard music before!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Someone’s standing behind you, being like, “Sorry, can I just…? You’re just standing in the doorway… uh…”

CALDWELL: [laughs; imitating Hardwon] “Ah, this music!”

JAKE: [laughs] “God, your shoulders are so broad! I can’t get around you!”

EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] “You’re just, like, a huge man, standing right in the doorway.”

CALDWELL: “If you could please just stand aside…”

JAKE: I’m gonna go over to this half-orc woman…

MURPH: Okay.

JAKE: — and order the biggest beer that they have.

MURPH: [laughs] You see, as you walk in— [laughs] …you order the biggest beer they have.

[all laugh]

MURPH: This old half-orc woman just looks at you with disdain, and goes: [as Mishka; surly, gruff voice] We have one size.

[all laugh]

MURPH: I’ll just go get you an ale.

[all laugh again]

JAKE: — then I’ll have two!

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Classic.

MURPH: She nods, and you see her go back, and she fills up two ales…

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: — puts it down; you throw her a few copper. You see the little halfling guy sitting next to you sees that you get two ales, and he turns to you, and he says: [as Scoutmaster Denny; high-pitched, stammering, craven voice] Oh, hey, man… uh… [stumbles on words] What-what-what brings you to town? You seem… y-… y-you seem — uh-uh, er… right strong.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Is this Beverly?

MURPH: [laughs] No.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: It’s not Beverly?

MURPH: You don’t know who Beverly is!

JAKE: — of course, of course!

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Okay. I’m looking for work around these parts. You know… you know where I could get a fishing boat? [all laugh]

MURPH: Oh! Well, I’m— um… so I’m actually a scoutmaster. I’m actually not— [swallows nervously] I’m not a fisherman here. You see he’s like really fucking nervous.

[Murph & Jake laugh]

MURPH: He’s really super nervous, and he goes: Are you, like, a… by any chance, kind of, like, hero…? —or anything?

JAKE: [laughs] Yes, you have heard of me, haven’t you?

[all laugh]

JAKE: Finally! I’m Hardwon Surefoot: pride of the dwarphanage; the bastard of the mountain.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Um… and which, uh— which mountain would that be, sir?

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Uh… forget it.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Okay, well, um… [swallows nervously] Uh, see… so, I’m-I’m like a… a, uh…

JAKE: —a… a…?

MURPH: [increasingly faster, more nervous, craven, and higher-pitched] I’m like the head of, uh… [stumbles on words] Well, not the head of… I-I guess I’m not the chapter leader or anything; I’m just a scoutmaster, okay?

JAKE: [crosstalk] Okay.

MURPH: So I’m a scoutmaster, I’m part of this group called the Green Teens, right? So, I’m responsible for, like, some of the younger guys and stuff, some li-li-like, you know, like fourteen- or fifteen-year old halflings or something… I teach them how to, like, w-w-we-we, like, b-b-b-build fires, and… uh… and I-I, uh… I—

JAKE: [crosstalk] I see, yeah.

MURPH: — give them patches and things like that… So, anyway… um… we came to town, and we were supposed to— there were supposed to be some, like, druids here that were supposed to show us the bay, and they were supposed to show us, like, the… um… [smacks lips nervously] …uhhh, uh… the li- the, like, staff that-that’s… at the bottom, that’s like magic— that, uh, makes the fish come— but then the druid said that they were busy, so I said, “Okay, w-w-w-well I’ll-I’ll just take the kids out, uhhh… by myself,” s-so I took the kids out, and then some, um… some-some-some frogmen, uh… came out and they, uh, they-they took the kids — th-th-the-the Green Teens are gone!

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Yeah, I did notice that you didn’t have kids as you were telling me this story about how you were in charge of the kids…

[all laugh]

MURPH: [crosstalk] Yeah! Right, yeah!

JAKE: — and there aren’t any here.

MURPH: There’s-there’s-th-th—

JAKE: There’s no kids.

MURPH: — there’s no kids!

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Right.

MURPH: So, um… I actually, already, uh, paid… — uh, s-s-so my parents have a decent amount of money, so, uh, th-th-th-they gave— they gave me, um… some money—

JAKE: [crosstalk] — I need money!

MURPH: — to come with, and I-I gave… I-I-I gave those gentlemen over there, uh, twenty gold, uh… and, uh… You see that he points to the barbarians: these, like, big fucking hulking rowdy dudes, who are bald and have just, like, these ponytails popping out—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; laughs] Oh, that’s a good look.

MURPH: — and you see… — there’s four dudes there, and one of them’s sorta bigger than the other ones — you see him, like, let out this hearty laugh, and he’s missing a bunch of teeth. He’s like this fucked-up dude. So you see this scoutmaster guy, he says: I-I offered them, uh, tw-twenty gold, a-a-and th-th-they said they would go to th-th-th-th-the swamp and, uh… uh, get the teens back from the, uh, from… from the… from the frogmen, but, uh… they-they’re— they’re just sitting there, and anytime I ask them to… if they’re gonna go, they-they-they-they just y-yell at me a-a-a-a-and say that th-th-th-they’re getting ready and they need to get hydrated.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: I see.

MURPH: So, I need… I need— I need someone serious for this job.

JAKE: Yeah. So they’re using your gold to buy their beer right now.

MURPH: Correct, correct!

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: That is very much correct! My name’s Denny, by the way!

JAKE: Hey.

MURPH: Denny holds his hand out to shake.

JAKE: Hardwon. Surefoot. God, your hands are clammy.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Y-yes, I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m… just a little bit nervous. Okay, so, as you’re shaking this dude’s hand and drinking your two beers like a fucking weirdo…

[all laugh]

JAKE: I should’ve gotten one at a time; this one’s already warm.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Suddenly you hear hooves outside, as, like, a little carriage pulls up.

[Jake makes clip-clopping hoof noises]

MURPH: — and you hear a teen voice saying goodbye to the person in the carriage, and Beverly Toegold, the small halfling boy — also wearing a Green Teen uniform with braces — enters the tavern.

[all laugh]

MURPH: You can see your scoutmaster guy up at the bar, and you see these barbarians, and you see these fishermen, and you see a bard.

CALDWELL: Right. I’ve met this scoutmaster before?

MURPH: Yes, you’ve met Scoutmaster Denny.

CALDWELL: Okay, cool. Alright, I probably just run right over to him.

MURPH: Okay.

JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]

CALDWELL: I kind of, like, put blinders on and don’t look at anything else. I don’t make eye-contact with anyone, and I just beeline right for my scoutmaster.

MURPH:So Beverly makes a beeline for Scoutmaster Denny and Hardwon. Hardwon, you’ve already marched in, made yourself known, and you’re already just surrounded by fucking dorks.

[Jake & Emily laugh]

MURPH: So you see Scoutmaster Denny sees you right away, and he looks super nervous and ashamed—

CALDWELL: Dennyyyy!

MURPH: O-o-oh hey, little guy! Uh, uh, uh—

CALDWELL: It’s me! It’s Beverly!

MURPH: Beverly, uh… so good to see you again, hey—

CALDWELL: Remember? You taught me ropes.

MURPH: Yes, uh, so, um… Okay, uhhh… er, Green Teens is cancelled.

CALDWELL: W-what? Wait, no… what do you mean?

MURPH: It’s just, it’s just… It’s… It’s cancelled…

JAKE: He lost all the kids.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Ohh, my God…

CALDWELL: Wait… ah, ha-ha! Oh, this is — he also taught me my humor badge, so this is, like, clearly one of his classic—

MURPH: — just a classic Green Teen goof!

CALDWELL: Yeah, this is a Green Teen goof! We do these little goofs around campfires, and this is one of them — I’m sure of it. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Uh… I don’t think so. He wouldn’t’ve… he told me.

CALDWELL: I don’t know — but, like, look at his face! His face is so… he’s twisted his face into a mask of humour!

MURPH: You see he’s just furiously shaking his head at Hardwon, like “please don’t sell me out.”

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: I feel like Beverly sits on the other side. So — away from Hardwon, but adjacent to Denny.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: — and then he, still not believing that this is actually true, tries to get the attention of the half-orc bartender.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: ‘Scuse me, ma’am?

MURPH: What— yeah, what?

CALDWELL: Hi, do you have Sprite?

[beat]

MURPH: …no, we don’t have Sprite.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: Okay, just anything fizzy would be great.

MURPH: You see she just like pours you a…

JAKE: — a beer. [laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] She just pours you, like a cup of water…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay—

MURPH: — and then just like sticks her finger in and moves it around and blows some bubbles in it and just hands it to you.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Mmm, savoury. Thank you!

[Emily laughs again]

JAKE: [laughs] “Savoury…”

CALDWELL: I tip her very well.

[all laugh]

MURPH: [laughs] Excellent. Okay, you throw her some copper and a couple extra silver.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: Suddenly, a possum bursts into the tavern and jumps up on the table with all the fishermen, and starts just, like, grabbing at their scraps and everything.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: PawPaw!

[Murph laughs]

EMILY: PawPaw! PawPaw, git!

MURPH: — and a beautiful elven woman — covered in fungus, wearing…

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: — are you wearing overalls?

EMILY: Overalls, yeah. And there’s mushrooms pouring out of the bib of my overall.

[all laugh]

EMILY: PawPaw!

MURPH: She rushes in after the possum, grabbing him.

EMILY: PawPaw! I’m so sorry, he must’ve smelled your food… PawPaw, git!

[all laugh]

EMILY: Git! You’re gonna git kicked!

[all laugh again]

MURPH: You see PawPaw climbs back up onto this Crick-elf’s shoulder.

EMILY: I am so sorry, if I can just… What table did we go on?

MURPH: The fishermen. The three fishermen sitting there.

EMILY: I am so sorry, y’all — if, just… you know what? Give me whatever you caught today, I’ll go back in the kitchen. I’ll whip you up some delicious… y’know, some delicious fish. I’m a great cook.

MURPH: You see one of the guys just looks at you and he says…

EMILY: [crosstalk] All I need’s a little…

MURPH: [as a fisherman; deep and gravely] Er… I’m sorry, do you work here? You’re just gonna go in the kitchen and cook something?

EMILY: Y’know, I found that it’s just easy to make friends!

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: If you’re just a sweetheart, you can walk back anywhere.

MURPH: You hear the half-orc woman, back from behind the bar, just yells: If you’re gonna bring a rodent in here…

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: — you can at least buy a drink.

EMILY: Oh! Okay! Yeah, I’ll definitely have a drink. I go over and I’m like: Yeah! Gimme, you know… how about, like, a hooch, or, like, a bathtub mead?

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: — or if you got some berries that gone bad, I can just suck on those.

[all laugh]

MURPH: [laughs] You see she just pours you an ale and just hands it to you

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, okay!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I turn to Denny and say: [whispering] Is that our guide?

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Um… No, I’m… I’m your guide.

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: [whispering] No, for the tour.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Oh, for the… the druids, right.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] — of the trident, yeah.

MURPH: No, that’s cancelled. That is fully cancelled.

CALDWELL: Okay, this joke is going on a long time. Can you, like, wrap it up? What’s the punchline of the joke, Scoutmaster Denny?

MURPH: Okay, you know what? This is… This is a… learning… experience…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.

MURPH: [crosstalk] — is what this is, uh, because, uh… as Halflings… of the Light…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yes!

MURPH: — as Campers of the Light… we need to be honest!

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: We should always be honest, and so I will tell you, young Beverly—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yes?

JAKE: [crosstalk] There you go.

MURPH: — that I lost the Green Teens! They were captured by frogmen, and dragged into the swamp!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] What? Oh, my God…

JAKE: [crosstalk] I told you.

EMILY: Sorry, excuse me, miss half-orc — what’s your name?

MURPH: [sighs] My name’s Mishka.

EMILY: Mishka. That’s a beautiful name, God bless your mother. Do you have a saucer of Crick-water for my possum? [laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] I have some water in my canteen!

EMILY: Oh, hi!

CALDWELL: Hi!

EMILY: That’d be great — because PawPaw, he is parched.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay.

JAKE: [crosstalk; imitating Moonshine] “Parched.”

EMILY: [crosstalk] I can tell.

MURPH: Hardwon, you are just surrounded by fucking rejects right now.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah— parched PawPaw.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: This is not what I expected from my epic journey.

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: I do give her some water from my canteen. I hand her my canteen.

MURPH: Great.

EMILY: [gasps] Thank you so— okay!

CALDWELL: — and then, as soon as I hand it—

MURPH: PawPaw starts furiously lapping it up, like getting a mess everywhere—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Ohh…

JAKE: [crosstalk] God.

MURPH: Hardwon, you’re just, like, covered in water.

EMILY: I hold the canteen under my armpit so it looks like he’s suckling from my breast. [laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Huh. You know what? You can just keep that canteen, actually. Thank you.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: So, wai— you’re serious? You’re speaking in the Light of Truth about this matter, Denny?

MURPH: I-I’m-I’m dead-… I’m dead-seriously speaking in the Light of Truth. The… uh…

CALDWELL: Oh, my God…

MURPH: — the Green Teens are gone.

CALDWELL: They’re all— they’re gone? What are we gonna do?

JAKE: Well, that’s not all; he was also robbed.

MURPH: Yes!

JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]

CALDWELL: You were…?

MURPH: Um… okay, so these fine gentlemen, uh, behind us… and then you hear the bigger dude yells out:[as a drunken, stupid barbarian] ‘EY, GET US ANOTHER ROUND!and Denny turns around, and says: Well, surely the twenty gold I paid you before will be plenty for another— I SAID WE WANT ANOTHER ROUND!…yes, sir!

[all laugh]

MURPH: You see he orders another round from Mishka, and a waiter picks them all up and carries them over and puts them down, and then he comes back, and he turns to you, and he says:

JAKE: [crosstalk] God, Beverly, that’s your leader?

MURPH: Yeah, so I was robbed.

CALDWELL: Scoutmaster, those men are taking advantage of you! We can’t let that happen; that’s unjust!

MURPH: [voice squeaking] Uh… okay. Here’s the thing, though— is that there’s a lot of them in town and, uh… they also, uh, chased out the mayor, and… they’re living in the mayor’s house, so things are really friggin’ bad here, man.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

MURPH: Nobody told me this when I got here — I just wanted to show some Green Teens the friggin’ trident at the bottom of the bay… [breathes heavily]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Does this mean the Jamboreen’s cancelled too?

MURPH: The Jamboreen is SUPER-cancelled, Beverly.

[all laugh]

MURPH: I can’t express properly how much the Jamboreen is cancelled.

CALDWELL: Aw, geez!

EMILY: Jamboreen?

CALDWELL: Yeah, a J—

EMILY: I love a good Jamboreen!

CALDWELL: Who doesn’t?

MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay, wait—

EMILY: That’s when everyone takes their shoes off and rolls around in the mud![laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] No one’s focused on the missing children.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Right, yes, okay — so there are missing children! You know what? Um, uhhh… okay, uhhh…

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on.

MURPH: So, Beverly, um… you wanna be a six-leaf Green Teen, right?

CALDWELL: More than anything!

MURPH: Okay, um… if you go get the Green Teens back…— This is your test! This is your test! If you do it, you’re… y-y-y-you’re a junior Green Knight!

CALDWELL: [gasps] I knew this moment would come! You know that this is why they keep the six-leaf trials under such tight scrutiny.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Yep!

CALDWELL: — so that you can’t guess what you’re gonna have to do for your final test!

MURPH: [crosstalk] — just all-all-all a part of the plan!

CALDWELL: Oh, my gosh!

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, God. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Okay, so all I have to do is get the gold back from those ruffians over there…

MURPH: — nope! Don’t talk to them!

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Don’t get the gold back from them!

CALDWELL: What do you—

MURPH: That’s just a loss! Let’s just chalk that one up to a loss!

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: Alright, okay.

JAKE: [imitating Scoutmaster Denny] “That gold is GOOONE!”

MURPH: That gold is GOOONE, man!

CALDWELL: But that’s your gold by right! They stole it from you!

MURPH: Cool, yeah, that’s gold— there’s like kids, d— the kids are def— th-they’re gonna get— I don’t know if you know anything about bullywugs — the frogmen — but they’re gonna— they’re gonna ritualistically sacrifice them!

EMILY: Oh, I’m so sorry, PawPaw drank too quickly and he spit up on the floor.

MURPH: Uh… [laughs]

CALDWELL: Oh, boy…

EMILY: Do you have a rag behind the bar that I can just clean up this— [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh… you spit up all over my foot.

CALDWELL: Scoutmaster, you yourself taught me: “Careful where you stomp; bullywugs hide in the swamp,” so that’s probably where we should start!

MURPH: [swallows nervously] Yep… yeah, you guys should—

EMILY: Ah, bullywugs!

MURPH: Okay, um…

EMILY: We got ‘em down by The Crick!

CALDWELL: You know about bullywugs?

EMILY: ‘Course!

CALDWELL: I do too; I have a Bullywug Identification Patch, that I got—

[Murph laughs]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, okay!

MURPH: [laughs] Beverly once picked a bullywug out of a line-up and he got a patch.

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, okay.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Well, I dissected it. I dissected a dead one.

MURPH: [laughs] Oh, okay.

EMILY: I used to rassle with them, so…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Oh, okay!

EMILY: Down at The Crick, y’know, it’s a fun little thing: you just kind of rassle a bullywug.

CALDWELL: They’re very aggressive; you must be strong!

EMILY: Yeah, I’m pretty strong.

CALDWELL: Wow.

MURPH: Oh, well, i-i-if you’re strong, um, maybe, uh.. uh… Beverly, could you turn around for a split second?

CALDWELL: Sure, absolutely.

MURPH: Okay, great. [laughs] So Beverly just turns around and is just staring there.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: I’m smiling.

MURPH: Yeah.

CALDWELL: I sing a campfire song.

MURPH: Okay, uhhh, Beverly: earmuffs! Uhh, and sing to yourself! Sing along with the fiddle!

CALDWELL: [singing] ♬ A Green Teen never holds a grudge… ♬

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [singing] ♬ A Green Teen will never budge from this point of justice! ♬[Caldwell continues to hum]

MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay, so, um…

JAKE: [crosstalk] Hardwon starts tapping his foot.

MURPH: So you guys gotta make sure that this kid doesn’t die. Um… but, he’s actually pretty strong, okay? He’s gonna be a good Green Knight, so he’ll be pretty helpful to you guys. Uh… but, you guys— I can offer you guys some gold. If you guys keep an eye on this guy and go get the Green Teens back, I’ll give you guys… twenty gold each?

EMILY: What if instead of gold, you just gave me some sort of… I don’t know, I’ve personally got a— sort of, like, a mushroom library/spore library, collecting as many strains as I can. If you could just pay me in mushrooms…

MURPH: I just have like— yeah! I have like, gift bags for the Boy Scouts! I can just give you some, like, mushrooms.

JAKE: I’ll take the gold.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Okay, yeah, I’ll just give you forty gold then.

JAKE: Dope.

EMILY: Okay, so, I’m just gonna write down “Green Teen Gift Bag”…?

MURPH: Yeah.

EMILY: Okay.

MURPH: Here you go! I was supposed to give this to the kids at the end of the night, but… looks like I won’t be needing ‘em!

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Are the kids, like, young’uns?

MURPH: Er, um…

CALDWELL: [singing] ♬ If you see a dragon, you take a wide berth; we do all we can for Mother Earth! ♬ [speaking] Hi!

[Murph & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Okay. Um…

CALDWELL: Is everything good now?

MURPH: Beverly, everything’s great! Uhh….

CALDWELL: Okay, cool!

MURPH: These fine Green Teen… uh… the Green Teen Team! These are your real counselors!

CALDWELL: Oh! So these are, like, honorary scoutmasters?

MURPH: They’re honorary scoutmasters, I deemed them myself. Here you go!

CALDWELL: Oh, wow!

MURPH: And you see he rips off two patches. This dude is just so scared and in over his head. He just rips off two patches and just like shoves them on your guys’ chests.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Wow!

EMILY: [laughs] Ooh, okay! I hock up a loogie and use it to stick the patch to my overalls.

MURPH: [laughs] Ah, and it weirdly sticks. It weirdly sticks.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Ma’am, your possum is shitting under the bar.

EMILY: [laughs] PawPaw! What’d I tell you about goin’ bucket in public?

JAKE: [possum noises]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Don’t worry—

MURPH: The possum’s going nuts. You see Mishka the half-orc just fucking sweeps him away, and he gets knocked on the ground, and he just starts scrambling on the ground.

EMILY: [laughs] PawPaw, I’m gunna put you on your leash! PawPaw, you’re dangerously close!

JAKE: [laughs; crosstalk] He’s just a wild animal.

MURPH: — and Mishka just turns to you and says: Please leave.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Okay, that’s a fair request.

MURPH: Please leave with your critter.

EMILY: We’ve got some bullywugs to go rassle anyways.

CALDWELL: Before we leave, I take a notepad out of my pack, and I write, “You are very rude.” — and I go and I place it on the table of the barbarians.

[all laugh]

MURPH: As you go to place it on the table of the barbarians, they’re in the middle of this rowdy laugh. The guy picks up the note, and then he grabs you — and he laughs again; he goes: I like you, you’re funny.

CALDWELL: [laughs] I do have my Humor Patch, yes.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: I tell you what.

CALDWELL: Yeah?

MURPH: You go get us another round of ale and I won’t kill you.

CALDWELL: Okay, well I don’t have… I’m not of age, so I don’t think I could technically do that. Would you like some Sprite?

EMILY: I take out a flask and I say: Y’all ever had bathtub mead?

CALDWELL: Would that be good? My scoutmaster has some bathtub mead if you want that.

MURPH: Listen, kid. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you if you don’t go get me an ale right now.

CALDWELL: Okay, could an adult please get them some mead?

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here… [unintelligible crosstalk]—

EMILY: [crosstalk] Okay, but hear me out—

MURPH: Beverly turns to Hardwon.

JAKE: Christ.

EMILY: — hear me out, mister barbarian. If you’ve never had bathtub mead, what we do is we take a bit of raccoon urine, we ferment it under the moonlight for ‘bout three months, and it will get you fucked up.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Please don’t curse.

MURPH: Go ahead and give me a Diplomacy check.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh man, first roll!

EMILY: [rolls die] Nine, plus… what do I add to Diplomacy? Charisma?

ALL: Yeah.

EMILY: I got eleven. [laughs]

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: Mixed success!

MURPH: You see he says: It will get you fucked up?

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: Yeah! Oh, you’ll be seeing your ancestors.

CALDWELL: There’s no need to curse.

MURPH: Alright, tell you what. You give me that fucked-up water…

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: You go get me some ale, and then I won’t kill this little one.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

EMILY: Hmm… I don’t feel like this is very hospitable. Is this your town? We’re coming into your town and you’re showing us a real mean cheek.

CALDWELL: I feel like while she’s doing that I do go over to Hardwon and give him some coin to buy the ale.

JAKE: I’m not buying these guys… [laughs] —fucking beer, man.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Beverly and Hardwon are just having a quiet moment, and you see Scoutmaster Denny turns around from the bar and he’s like: Hu-huh, uh, what are you guys doing? Uh…

CALDWELL: Do you think we should get them wine instead?

MURPH: No, okay!

EMILY: And I’m teaching the barbarians that you don’t actually drink the bathtub mead—

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: — you huff it like a paint. So I’m showing them how to huff it.

MURPH: You see, like, a couple of them are actually pretty interested and they’re huffing it.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: But you see Scoutmaster Denny just runs over with more ales and he’s like: Uh, no need to go after the little guy, gentlemen! I’ve got… Everybody’s drinking on me tonight! — and this big barbarian dude goes: No. I want him to do it.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: — and he points to Hardwon.

JAKE: Hardwon…

[all laugh]

JAKE: —holding two beers, [laughs] — comes over…

CALDWELL: Uh-huh?

JAKE: — and pours them both at this guy’s feet.

[all laugh and cheer]

MURPH: Oh, my God! You just poured on this dude’s feet. You see the other three guys that are with this main dude—

JAKE: Oh, fuck.

MURPH: — look like, “oh shit, something’s about to go down.

CALDWELL: I pull a small towel out of my backpack and hand it to him. For your boots!

MURPH: This dude fucking backhands Beverly. Everybody roll Initiative!

EMILY: [laughs] Oh!

JAKE: [laughs] Possum starts freaking out.

[Murph, Emily & Jake roll dice]

CALDWELL: Sir, I have no choice but to defend myself now.

EMILY: Hell yeah, bitch. I got a twenty-two.

CALDWELL: What do we add to our… oh wait, no.

MURPH: Your Dex.

CALDWELL: Your Dex. Okay, so zero for me! [rolls die] Eleven. Jake got a sixteen. Yeah.

MURPH: Oh, man. These guys rolled really well.

CALDWELL: Oh, boy. [laughs]

JAKE: Wait, sixteen — then I add Dex?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

JAKE: Twenty.

CALDWELL: Oh!

MURPH: Oh, wow, Hardwon! Okay, Hardwon—

EMILY: I got twenty-two.

MURPH: Oh, wow, you guys rolled well!

CALDWELL: Well, they did.

MURPH: Yes.

JAKE: Everybody did.

CALDWELL: Two out of three.

MURPH: Okay, Moonshine. Got it.

CALDWELL: Oh, boy!

MURPH: Moonshine, you’re first. So you see this dude backhands Beverly.

EMILY: Okay, so I’m… Which of them, by the way— are they affected at all because they’ve been huffing my…?

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Uh, yeah. Two of them are a little stoned.

[all laugh]

EMILY: Okay, good.

MURPH: Not the main guy, but two of them are a little… There’s, like, one pretty serious guy who clearly looks up to the leader guy, and there’s two guys that were just kinda looking to get fucked up at the bar.

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: Okay, so I’m gonna go for the main guy.

MURPH: Okay, cool.

CALDWELL: Great.

EMILY: I’m gonna take out my scimitar.

MURPH: Great.

EMILY: Oh, actually— no. I’m going to do Symbiotic Entity.

MURPH: Great?

CALDWELL: What? [laughs]

EMILY: — which means that I channel the power of spores and mushrooms and become one with my spores.

MURPH: For anyone who plays D&D at home listening to this insane thing that Emily is saying, this is a Circle of Spores Druid. It’s an Unearthed Arcana thing that was just introduced. So you’re turning into a mushroom woman right now, essentially.

EMILY: I’m basically turning into, almost like Poison Ivy.

CALDWELL: You’re starting with your limit break. [laughs] I love it.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, hell yeah.

EMILY: Yeah — and that does take a Wild Shape action. Does Wild Shape take an entire turn?

MURPH: Yes, that takes an action.

EMILY: Okay, so I just kind of stand in the corner and rub mushrooms on myself.

[all laugh]

JAKE: [laughs] Hardwon is very confused.

CALDWELL: I have to imagine that the barbarians that were huffing that sauce are also very confused.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] The barbarians that were huffing the sauce look at this woman that just starts sprouting mushrooms, and they are tripping balls.

JAKE: [imitating barbarians] “What was in that, that, that, that… mead?”

CALDWELL: [imitating barbarians] “Must be the raccoon piss.”

MURPH: And that’s you, Hardwon. Although, wait. Do you get to, on your turn, do your shooting spores thing?

EMILY: Oh yeah, I can, ‘cuz that’s a reaction! So that wouldn’t take a whole action.

CALDWELL: Oh!

MURPH: Yeah, so you get to launch your spores if you want.

EMILY: Okay, but because I’m in Symbiotic Entity mode, that would mean that they deal double damage.

MURPH: Great, then go ahead and roll your damage.

EMILY: I think Halo is just three poison—

MURPH: “Use your reaction on your turn to deal three poison damage to one creature you can see within ten feet of you.

EMILY: Yeah, so now I’m doing six damage. So six poison damage at the main dude.

MURPH: Six poison damage at the main dude.

EMILY: So I rub mushrooms on myself, and then from my hand a mushroom is born.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: — and I blow it at him, like I’m blowing a kiss.

MURPH: [laughs] This crazy fucking mushroom woman blows spores in this dude’s eyes. He just goes: Argh! Argh! He’s so fucking pissed off.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Hardwon, you’re up.

JAKE: I’m punching the serious dude right in the nose.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Hell yeah.

MURPH: Wait, you’re not going axe, you’re going fist?

JAKE: Oh shit, it’s coming to death blows now, already?

MURPH: These guys are definitely gonna try to kill you. They’re going for their swords.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Alright, fucking greataxe from behind the head. Hardwon wields it one-handed.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah!

MURPH: Go ahead, roll your d20 to see if you hit.

JAKE: [rolls die] Twelve plus four. Sixteen.

MURPH: That hits!

EMILY: Yeah!

MURPH: Roll your damage. It’s a d12 plus whatever your modifier is.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Because barbarians usually have pretty low armor right?

CALDWELL: Oh yeah, you gotta roll damage now.

MURPH: You gotta roll damage, baby.

JAKE: Wait, how do I do that?

EMILY: You roll a d12. Yeah, that one.

[Jake rolls die]

CALDWELL: That d-twilly. Ten!

EMILY: Oh, baby!

JAKE: Ten, wait— plus…

MURPH: Ten plus four. So fourteen.

JAKE: Fourteen.

MURPH: [laughs] So, this dude gets blinded by spores…

[Caldwell and Emily laugh]

MURPH: — and then Hardwon just slashes him across the chest with his axe, and he lets out this roar; he’s so fucking angry. What was it, fourteen damage?

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: Okay, this dude is still standing. He’s a pretty tough dude.

CALDWELL: Alright.

MURPH: So now, it is—

CALDWELL: It’s four total barbarians?

MURPH: Four total barbarians, yes. One real tough-looking dude, and three guys that are a little bit scrawnier. And two of them are super stoned.

[all laugh]

MURPH: I’ll give them disadvantage when they attack.

CALDWELL: Nice!

EMILY: [crosstalk] That’s my mead!

MURPH: So this main guy is going to go ahead and rear up with his greataxe. He’s gonna take a Reckless Attack, so with advantage against Hardwon. So he swings his axe right back at Hardwon.

EMILY: [whistles] Whoa.

MURPH: [rolls die] And he is definitely gonna hit.

JAKE: Oh, no.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: So he hits Hardwon. [rolls die] He slashes Hardwon across his mighty shoulder for twelve damage.

CALDWELL: [gasps] Whoa!

MURPH: So go ahead and mark down that damage.

CALDWELL: Wait, does he not have to roll AC?

MURPH: He did! Yeah, he beat it. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Oh, okay — I missed it. My bad. Edit that.

MURPH: So now—

JAKE: So twelve, that’s minus from my…

MURPH: — that’s minus from your maximum hit points. So what are your maximum hit points? Like, twenty-two?

JAKE: Twenty-two.

MURPH: Okay, so you’re at…

JAKE: Ten.

MURPH: Okay. So now these warrior guys are gonna go. First, the sober guy is gonna take a swing at Moonshine.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Bring it on, bitch. I’m a Symbiotic Entity, I’ve got plus-three to my hit points.

MURPH: [rolls die] — and he misses big time. He whiffs with his spear.

EMILY: Oh, my God — I use my—

MURPH: He swings his spear, misses.

EMILY: The mushrooms come to my aid. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Yeah, it just gets caught by a mushroom like it’s a fucking hand in a kung-fu movie.

CALDWELL: It’s like one of those big flat ones you see on trees.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: These other two tribal guys who are a little bit stoned are also gonna swing at this fucking mushroom monster that they see. [rolls die] This guy whiffs big time, and this other guy… [rolls die] — oh, he’s gonna hit. So even though he’s stoned he’s just screaming and swinging at anything.[rolls die] And he’s gonna go ahead and hit Moonshine for eight damage.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Ooh.

EMILY: Terrible hospitality! Not how I would treat people coming to my town.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Not very polite at all.

MURPH: Now it is Beverly’s turn.

CALDWELL: Alright! So, I think Beverly probably flew all the way back and landed behind the bar, and he’s kinda gathering himself amidst bottles and barrels — and he picks up a bottle and says: Hey, you did have Sprite!

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [laughs] That’s okay, though! I think now Beverly turns to Denny and says: Scoutmaster, sir! Permission to defend myself?

MURPH: Yep, kill them! Please kill them!

JAKE: [laughs; imitating Scoutmaster Denny] “And hurry!”

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Thank you, sir! So I’m going to unsheathe my sword.

MURPH: Great.

CALDWELL: And I want to… I guess I’ll just attack the main guy as well. I don’t want to do anything fancy yet.

MURPH: Okay. Are you going to do any kind of Smite damage, or anything like that?

CALDWELL: You know what? Let’s start this thing off with a bang, yeah. I will cast…

JAKE: Smite his ass, dude.

MURPH: You have a special ability that just does 2d8 damage, right?

CALDWELL: Yes. Yeah, I’m gonna use that.

MURPH: Okay. You could also see if you hit and then try to do Divine Smite.

CALDWELL: Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do.

MURPH: So go ahead, take a swing.

CALDWELL: Okay. Just roll a d20?

MURPH: Roll a d20.

CALDWELL: Okay, here we go. [rolls die] That’s a nineteen — what do I add to that?

MURPH: Oh, dude — you fucking hit.

CALDWELL: Nice! Okay, cool, so—

MURPH: Go ahead and roll 2d8 plus your normal damage.

CALDWELL: 2d8, uh — wait…

MURPH: [laughs] So Beverly, after this polite little boy gets pushed over and falls behind the bar, asks for permission

[Caldwell and Emily laugh]

MURPH: —and then yells out to his god, Pelor, the God of Light, and this burst of radiant energy comes out as he slashes this dude so hard.

CALDWELL: Is this the d8, uh…?

MURPH: It should have eight sides on it.

JAKE: That’s how you know.

[Emily laughs

MURPH: So roll that twice, and then roll your damage.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] Okay, so that’s a two… [rolls die] — and a seven. So that’s nine—

MURPH: And then another d8.

CALDWELL: Another d8, okay.

MURPH: Yeah, just your normal longsword damage.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] So that’s a three.

MURPH: So twelve. So seventeen damage.

CALDWELL: Then plus five, right?

MURPH: I added that.

CALDWELL: Okay, cool.

EMILY: Damn, bitch!

MURPH: So seventeen damage.

EMILY: Damn!

MURPH: This guy’s starting to look a little fucked up.

JAKE: This little guy—

EMILY: Moonshine turns around and she’s like: What!?

[Caldwell laughs; breathes heavily]

MURPH: This burst of radiant energy comes out of Beverly’s longsword as he slashes the guy again across the chest — and he grabs his chest and you see a little bit of blood dribbles out of his mouth.

CALDWELL: That’s what you get for being rude!

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Blood falls on the “you guys were rude” piece of paper.

[Caldwell and Emily laugh]

MURPH: Scoutmaster Denny meekly walks over to Hardwon and he’s gonna Lay on Hands him because he’s a Paladin, and you’re back up to full health.

JAKE: Appreciate that, brother. Really needed it.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Sweet, good. Good, good.

MURPH: [rolls die] Scoutmaster Denny Lays Hands you for twelve. Then let’s bring it back up to Moonshine.

EMILY: Okay. Now I’m gonna make a melee attack with my scimitar, which is covered in fungus, at that main bad guy.

MURPH: Cool.

EMILY: Actually, fuck it! I’m gonna go after— No, we should get rid of that main bad guy. Yeah, after that main bad guy.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah, let’s kill that main guy. They might break after that, you know.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

EMILY: [rolls die] And definitely not gonna to hit. That’s gonna be seven.

MURPH: That does not hit.

EMILY: Okay, well I’m still going to—

MURPH: You could still shoot your spores.

EMILY: Halo of Spores, blow it like a kiss.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: You blow it like a kiss.

EMILY: Blow it like a kiss, and I wink at him after I do it.

MURPH: Oh, you’re a nightmare.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: So six more poison damage.

MURPH: Six more poison damage to this dude.

EMILY: And then I’m going to use a bonus action to heal myself with Healing Word.

MURPH: Great. So what is that, a d8? d4…

EMILY: [rolls die] d4 plus five.So six.

CALDWELL: How do bonus actions work?

MURPH: A bonus action you can take after your action.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: So you probably don’t have many things you can do as bonus actions.

CALDWELL: Oh, okay — it will say ‘bonus action’—

MURPH: It will say—

EMILY: It will say.

CALDWELL: Nice. Okay, cool.

MURPH: So that takes us to Hardwon.

JAKE: Dude, alright. Let’s do it.

MURPH: Just slashing at this guy?

JAKE: Oh, yeah, that’s what I’m doing! [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] That’s what you do.

JAKE: Axe coming back around, going right at his chest again. [rolls die]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Ooh! Sixteen.

MURPH: Dope. That definitely hits.

EMILY: Yeah, bitch!

JAKE: Sixteen, plus… twenty.

MURPH: Yeah, whatever your modifier, it hits already. Roll that d12, baby!

CALDWELL: Roll that beautiful dice.

[Jake rolls a die]

EMILY: Ooh!

JAKE: Seven, plus…

EMILY: — plus four, or five.

JAKE: Four — eleven.

MURPH: Eleven damage, damn. Okay, this dude is looking seriously fucked up.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: He’s not done yet?

MURPH: No. [laughs] He’s a fucking tough guy.

JAKE: He’s a barbarian, dude.

EMILY: Bev, you’ve gotta take him out!

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay, here we go.

EMILY: Bev, it’s up to you!

MURPH: Okay, so that takes us to this dude—

JAKE: [laughs] Only you can save us, Beverly! [laughs]

EMILY: Bev! [laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] That’s a lot of pressure.

EMILY: You are our only hope, Beverly! [laughs]

MURPH: Oh, shit! This dude took a Reckless Attack, so this guy should be at disadvantage.

CALDWELL: Ah.

MURPH: So go ahead and roll again, Moonshine, to see if you hit, since you missed on your first attack.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, to see if I hit? [rolls die]

CALDWELL: Fifteen.

EMILY: Fifteen plus four: nineteen.

MURPH: That’s definitely gonna hit, so roll your damage.

EMILY: Woo! And that’s gonna be damage plus poison damage.

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: So that’s gonna be… [rolls die] — five plus two. Seven, plus… [rolls die] — five, so twelve.

MURPH: Damn.

EMILY: Oh wait— oh, no, no. Yes, twelve.

MURPH: Okay. This dude is seriously, seriously, seriously fucked up. On his last legs of—

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] You’re damn right.

EMILY: So she had taken him for twelve plus six.

MURPH: Right, okay.

EMILY: Damn, he’s strong. He’s still standing?

MURPH: So this dude is seriously fucked up. With his last inch of life he tries to take off Hardwon’s head.

[all laugh]

JAKE: The guy that started it all.

MURPH: [rolls die] He is going to hit.

JAKE: Oh, no.

CALDWELL: Oh, shit. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Yes, the man whose pride got us into this fight.

JAKE: [laughs] The pride of the mountain.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: The pride of the mountain—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] He topples—

MURPH: [rolls die] — nine damage to the pride of the mountain.

CALDWELL: You can handle that.

JAKE: Alright. I’ve survived worse. Just one moment ago.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: The other guys are gonna keep swinging at Moonshine here.

CALDWELL: Alright.

EMILY: Bring it on, bitch!

MURPH: [rolls die] The one guy is probably gonna hit. That is a seventeen to hit?

EMILY: Mmm, yeah — that’s definitely gonna hit.

MURPH: [rolls die] Okay, that’s gonna be five damage. Five damage from the first one.

EMILY: Moonshine takes it, but she doesn’t even blink when it happens.

MURPH: Wow.

JAKE: That’s cool.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Just looks at him like a—

EMILY: She doesn’t even blink. She looks at her hand full of mushrooms and is like: You next.

JAKE: Hardwon’s, like, about to cry from his wounds, and then he looks at her like: Oh, yeah. I’m fine.

CALDWELL: Do the mushrooms have little humanistic characteristics? Do they have little faces on them?

EMILY: I mean, I see faces when I look at them. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Okay. [laughs]

EMILY: But I also eat them, so…

CALDWELL: [high, nasally voice] “Hi, Moonshine! We’re your babies!”

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: So these two stoned guys are gonna take swings at Moonshine. [rolls dice] Oh, he rolled a one and a nineteen. He’s at disadvantage, he’ll take the one so he misses. [rolls dice] The other guy rolls, and he’s gonna hit even though he’s at disadvantage. [rolls die] — and he hits you for seven damage.

CALDWELL: Beverly is unscathed, by the way.

MURPH: How you doing, Moonshine?

EMILY: Moonshine’s at eleven.

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: — because she got extra hit points for being Symbiotic Entity. And she also healed herself.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] So you’re at eleven— Okay.

JAKE: [crosstalk] I’m at thirteen now.

MURPH: Didn’t she get hit by the first guy? Okay. You have like twenty-five health?

EMILY: No, sorry, what did you hit me for? I thought you hit me for five this time.

MURPH: No, I hit you for five the first time, and I hit you for seven the second time. So for twelve total — so you’re at three.

EMILY: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you the second time.

CALDWELL: You’re at three?

EMILY: No — I’m at four, thank you.

MURPH: You’re at four, okay. So Moonshine looks right fucked up. Back up to—

JAKE: Beverly!

CALDWELL: Is it me?

MURPH: No, actually it is… Yes, Beverly.

EMILY: I have to heal myself!

CALDWELL: Cool. I was planning on attacking the main guy. But now that I see that Moonshine—

EMILY: No, I look at you and I’m like: Don’t worry about me.

CALDWELL: Yeah, I feel like I go to Lay Hands on her — and then you say… what do you say?

EMILY: I say: Don’t worry. This hen’s taken care of. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [imitating Moonshine] “I Lay Hands on myself.”

CALDWELL: Yes, ma’am. Full disclosure; full honesty in the Light of Truth, I did not want to touch you.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Alright, so then I turn away from Moonshine and I turn to face the main barbarian. I say: Sir, I’ve given you every chance to back down, but unfortunately, as a Green Teen, I cannot let your reign of terror on this village to proceed.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Hit him with the sword! [laughs]

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: I will now recite the Green Teen’s Creed!

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Kill him, for the love of God!

CALDWELL: I hold my sword aloft — it glows ever so slightly — and I say: A Teen of Green is never mean. Our souls sublime, our hearts pristine. And at all times, we stay serene. To glean the sheen of a light unseen!

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Alright, kid, I was being nice. You gotta do something.

[Jake & Murph laugh]

EMILY: You gotta do something. You don’t need to Lay Hands on me, but—

CALDWELL: — and after that, I kind of just recklessly launch myself at him with my sword drawn. [battle cry]

MURPH: [laughs] Alright. Go ahead and roll with advantage because he took a Reckless Attack.

CALDWELL: Alright, cool. [rolls die] That’s an eighteen.

MURPH: That’s gonna hit already.

CALDWELL: Alright!

EMILY: Roll to see if—

MURPH: You can roll to see if you Crit; if you want to roll again, see if you get a twenty.

CALDWELL: Okay, good call. [rolls die] That’s another eighteen.

MURPH: Okay, dope! You guys got some good rolls so far.

EMILY: Don’t jinx us.

CALDWELL: Alright, a d8. [rolls die] That’s a three — plus five, I guess?

MURPH: Eight, okay. So you see, after reciting the [laughs] Green Teen Creed—

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Uh-huh?

MURPH: Beverly launches forward and decapitates this dude.

[all laugh and cheer]

EMILY: Yeah!

JAKE: Oh-ho!

MURPH: Blood sprays fucking everywhere as his head flies over the bar. You see the other dudes look, like, mad scared.

EMILY: That little spring chicken’s got some talent.

MURPH: Oh, that’s actually Scoutmaster Denny. Who is going to…

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: He’ll cast Cure Wounds on Moonshine.

EMILY: Oh, thank you.

MURPH: [rolls die] Oh wow, he rolled pretty well. Ten. Ten HP back.

EMILY: Ooh!

MURPH: That takes us to Moonshine.

EMILY: Moonshine looks at him, and is like: Thank you.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Don’t come too close though, I’m very fertile.

MURPH: You’re welcome, miss!

EMILY: I’m very fertile.

JAKE: Too fertile.

EMILY: Be careful when you Lay Hands on me.

CALDWELL: What does that mean?

EMILY: [laughs] And then she—

MURPH: We’re not allowed to have sex, it’s okay.

EMILY: [laughs] As she looks at one of the guys that hit her… The guy that she said, “you next.”

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: Then she takes out her scimitar, aims it at him… [rolls die] — for twenty-two.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: That hits.

EMILY: Alright, so that’s gonna be—

MURPH: So roll your scimitar damage, and then it does poison damage too, right?

EMILY: [rolls die] It’s gonna be only three for the scimitar damage — [rolls die] — only one… four with the poison damage. Total of four. But then she’s gonna blow her kiss of poison.

MURPH: Okay.

JAKE: Shroom kiss.

EMILY: Her shroom kiss, she’s gonna blow it.

MURPH: For six damage?

EMILY: So ten total.

MURPH: This dude’s on fucking death’s door. These guys are much weaker.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Yeah, bitch.

MURPH: Hardwon, you’re up.

JAKE: Hell yeah. I’m swinging the axe at this dude’s dome.

MURPH: At the dude who’s weak?

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Oh, yeah. [laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Hardwon’s [unintelligible crosstalk]—

JAKE: [crosstalk] I want to decapitate somebody, too!

EMILY: [laughs] Hardwon feels, like, inferior.

CALDWELL: Axe to dome.

JAKE: [rolls die] That’s a six, though.

MURPH: Plus what?

EMILY: But you add…

JAKE: Six plus four. Ten.

MURPH: No, it’s… Oh, ten total? It’s not plus four, you have a higher thing than that.

CALDWELL: What do you add to your attack roll?

MURPH: You add your attack bonus.

JAKE: Oh, attack bonus? Where’s that?

MURPH: Your attack bonus is plus-six. So you got a twelve. So that does hit.

EMILY: So you got a twelve! [laughs]

MURPH: So that does hit.

JAKE: You’re damn right.

MURPH: So roll your damage.

EMILY: Yeah!

JAKE: [rolls die] Eight! That’s plus four.

CALDWELL: Ah!

MURPH: Twelve?

EMILY: Twelve.

MURPH: Dope, twelve damage. So Hardwon then decapitates this dude.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Yeah!

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: The head doesn’t go as far as Beverly’s head.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Hardwon looks ashamed.

MURPH:— but it goes pretty far.

EMILY: Moonshine turns to the party and she’s like: Will you save the last one for me? Because now I feel like I gotta decapitate someone.

CALDWELL: [laughs] I feel like that’s probably—

JAKE: [laughs] Hardwon takes a step back.

CALDWELL: I only need to decapitate one head to get my Self-Defense Merit Badge, so I’m good. I don’t—

[all laugh]

JAKE: You’re furiously sewing a decapitated head badge onto your pack.

[all laugh]

MURPH: So you see these other two barbarians look at each other, super-scared, and they’re gonna disengage and start running out of the tavern.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: And then I say: These people were real inhospitable. What do you say we chase them?

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Oh, shit!

MURPH: Are you guys, like, chasing them out the door?

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: I’ll chase them outside.

CALDWELL: I think—

EMILY: They’re definitely gonna run back to a crew of barbarians. So we would need to—

JAKE: We gotta find the kids.

EMILY: Yeah, that’s true.

CALDWELL: Yeah, we’ve been tasked with a mission.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Maybe we let them run.

JAKE: [crosstalk] We start to chase them, but we—

MURPH: They’re just outside the tavern. Are you guys chasing them out the tavern?

EMILY: There’s more barbarians outside the tavern?

MURPH: You don’t see if there are more yet.

EMILY: Here’s the only thought: if they run to their barbarian friends, we could be in bad standing by the time that we come back. We gotta silence these guys.

JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s true. We gotta kill these guys before they tell all the barbarians about us.

MURPH: Okay, so you guys run out and chase them just outside of the tavern. I’m gonna roll to see if there’s any other barbarians out there.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh!

JAKE: Oh, yes.

MURPH: [rolls die] I rolled a one. There are definitely no barbarians out there.

[all laugh]

JAKE: [crosstalk] It’s a nice, dark, quiet night.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; unintelligible] — barbarians!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Woo, yeah, baby!

MURPH: Not such a good roll for the DM. So Moonshine, you’re up.

EMILY: [rolls die] That’s gonna be sixteen.

MURPH: That hits.

EMILY: And… [rolls die] — seven to hit, total.

MURPH: Great.

EMILY: And then… [rolls die; whistles] — another six.

MURPH: Another six, wow. You kill this dude.

EMILY: Woo!

MURPH: She fuckin’ slashes this— spit some fucking poison spores at him, and his head just explodes as it rapidly grows mushrooms.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Wait, wait, wait… can I — [laughs] Oh shit, even though he’s dead— so his head explodes? God dammit, I wanted to decapitate him.

CALDWELL: Three headshots. [laughs]

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] You can decapitate him if you want. You tell me how you want to kill him.

EMILY: Well, I want to kill him with the spores, but then I’m gonna decapitate his lifeless body just so I can be part of the—

JAKE: [laughs] — sort of a “me too”!

MURPH: [laughs] Oh, my God! This woman is just fucking hacking him up.

EMILY: [laughs] As I’m doing it, I look up…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I think that’s technically…

EMILY: — Hey, we got a club going!

JAKE: [laughs] Hardwon almost throws up.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: That takes us to—

CALDWELL: I take no pride in this.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: These are not the friends I wanted to make on my journey.

MURPH: Hardwon, go ahead. Wait, Beverly, have you gone? We may have skipped you.

CALDWELL: Well, I was…

MURPH: The last thing you did was behead somebody?

CALDWELL: Yes.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah, I beheaded someone since him.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Me too. I also did.

MURPH: Okay, you beheaded someone before, then. So it should have been your turn. Go ahead.

EMILY: [crosstalk] We’ve all beheaded someone. [laughs]

CALDWELL: So are they still trying to run?

MURPH: Yes, they’re trying to get away.

JAKE: [crosstalk] There’s one guy, right? ‘Cuz one’s dead.

CALDWELL: Are they waylaid by the fact that we started attacking them? Are they slowed?

MURPH: No, they’re just turning and fucking running. The one dude’s dead, the other dude’s just booking it trying to get away.

EMILY: [crosstalk] We got one more. We gotta make sure we silence—

JAKE: [crosstalk] That dude’s just, like, watching—

CALDWELL: Let me check with you if I can do this.

MURPH: Sure.

CALDWELL: While they were attacking the other person, I try to run ahead and set up a rope trap?

MURPH: No. You cannot run ahead of him.

CALDWELL: Okay.

[all laugh]

MURPH: This is not fucking Home Alone.

CALDWELL: [laughs] I don’t know, I’m pretty resourceful.

EMILY:[laughs] “This is not Home Alone.”

MURPH: You can try to trip him or something.

CALDWELL: Yeah, I don’t know if I would be able to tackle him. But like—

MURPH: You could try; you have pretty good strength.

CALDWELL: What I’m gonna try to do, is I’m gonna try and use my shield to shield-tackle him to the ground.

MURPH: Okay, go ahead and run, and just give me a Strength check.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: Just give me an opposed Strength check. You’re gonna try and grapple him.

CALDWELL: Okay, great. Is that gonna be…

MURPH: So Athletics or Strength.

CALDWELL: My Strength is plus-five—

MURPH: Okay. Plus-five?

CALDWELL: — Athletics, yeah.

MURPH: Oh, that’s a saving throw. Those are your saving throws you’re proficient in. Your Strength is just whatever your modifier is.

EMILY: [crosstalk] He’s a strong boy.

CALDWELL: Oh, it’s plus-three.

MURPH: So just give me a plus-three, unless you have Athletics. Then you can use—

CALDWELL: [rolls die] It’s a sixteen plus three — nineteen. [laughs]

MURPH: [rolls die] Oh my god, nineteen. Fucking Beverly tackles this dude. Like, form-perfect tackle takes this dude down. This dude is just on the ground.

[Emily & Jake laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Pelor!

MURPH: Hardwon, you’re up.

JAKE: [laughs] Shit!

CALDWELL: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

EMILY: [laughs] Go decapitate him! Go decapitate him!

CALDWELL: No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

JAKE: [laughs] Nice and slow stride, walk over.

CALDWELL: I will say, I probably do try to stop him from decapitating yet another human.

MURPH: Okay, okay. So you’re trying—

JAKE: Move!

CALDWELL: Hardwon, no! We’ve… three is probably good!

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Excuse me.

[Emily laughs again]

CALDWELL: I just think that—

JAKE: I raise the greataxe.

CALDWELL: — maybe we could—

MURPH: [laughs] Hardwon’s just slashing, Beverly—

JAKE: [rolls die; laughs] That’s a ten plus fourteen?

MURPH: He’s at disadvantage and everything; you definitely hit him.

CALDWELL: Alright. I guess he is my scoutmaster — I have to respect him now.

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: [rolls die] Yeah, that’s an eleven.

CALDWELL: Alright.

EMILY: [laughs] Ooh!

MURPH: [laughs] He’s just—

CALDWELL: Yes, sir.

MURPH: — so Beverly inadvertently helped execute this man. Beverly’s, like, holding this dude down. Hardwon comes over, and in one big chop, just beheads this man—

[Emily & Jake laugh]

CALDWELL: I was thinking we—

MURPH: — as his head rolls off.

JAKE: I’d like to— yeah. I mostly didn’t hear what you’re saying.

CALDWELL: Sir, just—

JAKE: You know, I’m not a… I wouldn’t… You’re my buddy, but I just, yeah. I killed that guy.

CALDWELL: Normally I’m in favor of just jail, I guess, as a method of dealing with conflict? But—

MURPH: So as you guys are talking, and as this dude’s head rolls down the road—

CALDWELL: Yeah. [laughs]

MURPH: You see Mishka, the half-orc, pokes her head out of the tavern. She says: Bring the bodies inside! More will come soon!

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Ooh shit, Mishka’s cool!

CALDWELL: Okay!

EMILY: Okay, y’all! Yeah, so we drag the bodies inside.

MURPH: You guys drag the bodies, and see that the fishermen are helping fucking clean up and hide the bodies.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: You see Mishka has already, like, gotten rid of—

EMILY: Whoa… now that is hospitality!

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: There you go!

CALDWELL: They carry the bodies, I carry the heads. [laughs]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Now that’s what I was looking for! [laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Beverly carries the heads in, and the other people in this tavern—

EMILY: I ask Mishka: Mishka, do you have sort of, like, a pile of trash anywhere? I want to give him a good Crick-elf burial.

MURPH: We’re not going to give them a burial, we’re just going to hide them for now, okay?

EMILY: Okay!

MURPH: They help you guys get rid of the bodies. You see there’s fishermen fucking scrubbing the blood. You see everyone stands in the middle of the tavern. Mishka closes the door, and she looks at you guys and she says: Well, you might be just the guests we needed in this town. And that’s where we’ll end our session.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: [claps] Woo!

JAKE: Dope, dude! Woo!

MURPH: It’s so funny, I didn’t know if you guys were gonna get in a fight with those barbarians but you definitely beheaded all of them.

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: [laughs] I wanted to get into a fight with them so bad, but I knew that I was like, “No, no, no, I’m too much of a sweetheart to.” So I was so pumped when Hardwon went for that.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. [laughs]

MURPH: [laughs; crosstalk] When Hardwon… Hardwon’s just like, “No! I will not buy them a drink!”

JAKE: [laughs; crosstalk] He doesn’t suffer any slight.

EMILY: — because once I become a Symbiotic Entity — AKA a poisonous woman of spores — then I am no longer a sweetheart. I get to act like a savage.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Right, oh yeah.

MURPH: It’s also funny that they all—

JAKE: Those guys were assholes. Like, you offered them water. You offered them your bathtub… your Crick-juice—

EMILY: I gave them my… my bathtub mead to huff.

MURPH: — and it all started because Beverly gave them a note.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Those heads are on you.

MURPH: [laughs] Yeah, those heads are on—

CALDWELL: [laughs] A very firm note! Which I folded so they would open after I left, but, you know.

EMILY: Yeah, you folded it into a little swan. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Exactly! It was a nice little origami swan. While we’re back inside, I do start writing a note to my parents telling them about my new friends that I made.

MURPH: [laughs] Your new scoutmaster who told you to chop somebody’s head off.

EMILY: And me, I’m trying to pick some of the knots out of PawPaw’s hair.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Oh, my God, there’s so many knots. It’s so knotted.

EMILY: [crosstalk] It’s so knotted.

MURPH: Okay, guys, please rate the podcast! This is a new podcast.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Subscribe to it!

MURPH: We could really use it — subscribe to it, baby.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Tell your friends!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Subscribe, baby!

MURPH: Five stars, Not Another D&D Podcast.

JAKE: Let’s word-of-mouth this one, you know what I mean?

MURPH: Yeah.

EMILY: Yeah, could we start a real—

JAKE: Too much ‘rate and subscribe’. Yeah, like, do that — but, like, talk to people.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Yeah, tell people about it.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, we’re trying to do a grassroots thing here. Make signs!

JAKE: That’s the shit, grassroots.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Get on the subreddit. They already made a subreddit: Not Another DnD Podcast.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, really? I’m-a hop on the subreddit. Dope.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, baby.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Ooh!

MURPH: ‘r/’ that baby, check it out. Follow us on Twitter: @JakeHurwitz, @caldy, @eaxford, @chmurph. Guys, February 13th, Emily and I have a book coming out. It’s called ‘HEY, U UP?: How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact.’

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, that’s true, too.

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

MURPH: It’s a satirical relationship advice book. Check it out.

EMILY: I gotta think there’s some overlap between people who love D&D and people who love satirical relationship advice books.

CALDWELL: Right.

MURPH: They like us! That’s part of it!

JAKE: That’s the full overlap.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

MURPH: Anybody else got any plugs? Listen to If I Were You with Jake Hurwitz. You’re on that podcast, Jake.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, yeah, that’s my podcast.

CALDWELL: Yeah, watch Drawfee. [laughs]

MURPH: Yeah, watch Drawfee! Drawfee‘s great!

EMILY: Yeah, watch Drawfee.

CALDWELL: You’re allowed.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay, guys, thanks so much.

EMILY: Heck, man, watch The Fall on Netflix. Gillian Anderson’s amazing on that. Can I just plug that?

[all laugh]

MURPH: [crosstalk] Yeah, and just a recommendation: just check out Gillian Anderson’s The Fall.

EMILY: She just looks so good swimming.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

JAKE: No shit? I will do that.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Oh, and listen to 8-Bit Book Club with me, Caldwell, and Emily.

CALDWELL: Yeah!

EMILY: Yeah, baby.

JAKE: — but not until you’ve seen every episode of The Fall.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: That is correct, yes. You need to be caught up on The Fall to get all of the references. Emily does bring up The Fall a lot.

EMILY: [crosstalk] You really do. Cause there’s spoilers every single week. [laughs]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

MURPH: Okay, guys, so we’ll pick up here next week with our intrepid heroes and all of the people in this town, as they’ve just murdered a bunch of people.

JAKE: [crosstalk] I can’t fucking wait.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: Yeah, I mean… I’m thinking that I’m getting back in that kitchen and whipping us up some good jambalaya.

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Ooh!

MURPH: [laughs; southern drawl] “Some of that good jambalaya.”

EMILY: Some of that good jambalaya. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] There’s blood everywhere in this place.

CALDWELL: [laughs; crosstalk] Jamboreen jambalaya!

MURPH: Bahamut keep you all, and may the Baba Yaga not take you this night.

CALDWELL: Bye!

[Transcribed by Redditors siilhouette, hi_sweaty, and Zyoanz.]