Open relationships demystified / Violet Blue gets advice on coupling with 'eyes wide open'

Tristan Taormino. Photo courtesy of Puckerup.com by Hank Hoffman Tristan Taormino. Photo courtesy of Puckerup.com by Hank Hoffman Image 1 of / 3 Caption Close Open relationships demystified / Violet Blue gets advice on coupling with 'eyes wide open' 1 / 3 Back to Gallery

For some reason, when I think of open relationships I think of Disco Stu. The hippest dude in the Simpsons' pantheon of characters, Disco Stu always wears his sunglasses and refers to himself exclusively in the third person. Based only on that criteria, Disco Stu is inarguably cool. A babe magnet. But most of all, I think we all agree that if we had to guess, we'd conclude that Disco Stu is a swinger.

And if Disco Stu were a senator, I can't help but think that the cultural conversation about sex scandals would be different if a supposedly cuckolded Mrs. Stu made a statement to the press that, actually, she didn't care about the other woman. Because you see, they have an agreement. Then, the sex scandal would no longer be such a scandal. And that wouldn't get ratings, now would it?

Of course, open relationships are in reality far from the playful cartoon caricatures of swingers, or the other end of the non-monogamy spectrum: nightmarish Texan polygamous fundamentalist sects. As the No. 1 request I've gotten for topics to be covered in this column is non-monogamy, and there is only one Disco Stu, I think the question is simply, "What are open relationships?"

It just so happens that the interest in non-monogamous advice has been reaching a peak in my inbox at the same time that infamous New York sex educator Tristan Taormino (puckerup.com) has released her newest book "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" (Cleis Press). The book has its own blog, chock-full of resources for couples and singles interested in understanding and exploring options outside of monogamy. What's more, Taormino lands in town this weekend for two events to celebrate and raise awareness about the indispensable information in her book. Monday, she'll be hosting a workshop called "Making Open Relationships Work," and on June 5, she'll be celebrating at a free release party for both the book and her new "reality porn" video "Chemistry #4", along with stars from the film Penny Flame, Adrianna Nicole and Sinnamon Love.

Even if you don't consider monogamy monotony, the book is an eye opener. Disco Stu could not be reached for comment, but Taormino patiently answered my questions about threesomes, changing relationships and more.

Violet Blue: What's the biggest myth about open relationships?

Tristan Taormino: There are so many myths about open relationships. I think one of the most popular is that people in open relationships have intimacy issues and trouble with commitment. The assumption underlying this myth is that true intimacy can only be achieved between two people in a monogamous relationship. In other words, if you are emotionally and physically intimate with more than one person, it somehow dilutes the intimacy of each relationship. This is based on the notion that love is a quantifiable thing, like, if you have 100 pounds of love, you can give 100 pounds to your partner. But if you have multiple partners, you have to split the 100 pounds between them. Intimacy is about being willing to be open, honest and vulnerable with your partner and bonding on a deep level. Monogamy does not automatically equal intimacy and non-monogamy does not automatically equal lack of intimacy. Plus, non-monogamous relationships often involve the same level of commitment as monogamous ones. People in non-monogamous relationships are not avoiding intimacy or commitment, they are cultivating a relationship style that meets their needs and works for them.

Violet Blue: How can someone be in a monogamous relationship and change it to an open one without destroying the relationship?

Tristan Taormino: I think it can be easier for a couple who begin a relationship as an open one than a couple who start out monogamous and then decide to transition to non-monogamy. Both people need to let go of some of the fundamental ways they've been interacting with one another as a monogamous couple. It can definitely be a rocky time when you need to get comfortable with your partner having sex and/or relationships with other people. That can be a very big leap for people to make. I think it's best to start out small rather than dive into the deep end — and communicate a lot. If you are both committed to it, it can absolutely work, but you both need to be on board 100 percent.

Violet Blue: How many kinds of open relationships are there?

Tristan Taormino: One of the most significant things I learned as I researched this book and talked to so many different people from diverse backgrounds is that while people's open relationships may have things in common, no two are alike. They are as individual as the people involved in them. In my book, I identify and discuss six of the most common styles: partnered non-monogamy, swinging, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity and the mono/poly combination (where one partner is monogamous and the other is polyamorous). But I emphasize that within each style, there are plenty of subtle and not-so-subtle differences. For example, the way that four people in a quad practice polyamory and a straight spouse and a queer spouse practice it will differ greatly and depend on lots of factors.

Violet Blue: What are examples of rules in open relationships?

Tristan Taormino: There are so many rules — or some people don't like that term and prefer "agreements" — people have negotiated. Safer sex was at the top of the list of everyone I interviewed for the book. From there, it varied wildly. No sex with other people in our bed. No dates with other people on Saturdays. I don't want to know the details. I want to know as much as you're willing to share. I'm your only Sir and you're my only boy. No anal sex with other people. We can only hook up when one or both of us is out of town. We can only play with other people when we're at a club, party or event and the play happens in public. Those are just a few examples.

Violet Blue: Does your book provide advice for people who want to have a threesome?

Tristan Taormino: Certainly, someone can learn about communication, setting limits and dealing with jealousy from my book — those are useful skills for people who want to have a threesome. But my book really is focused on relationships, so if someone is looking for a lot of sex advice or technique, this probably isn't the book for them. I'd recommend "The Threesome Handbook" by Vicki Vantoch, which is much more focused on sex and specifically about threesomes.

Violet Blue: What happens in your "Making Open Relationships Work" workshops?

Tristan Taormino: I hope to give people tools, ideas and strategies to create the open relationship of their dreams or make their existing open relationships satisfying. We'll discuss common challenges and benefits, different ways to resolve conflicts, and how to cope with the dynamic, ever-changing nature of an open relationship.

Violet Blue: What do you love about San Francisco? Is there someplace you want to make sure you visit when you're in town?

Tristan Taormino: San Francisco is and has been light years ahead of most other places in the country in terms of cultivating communities for people outside the mainstream; it's such a welcoming place for leather people, queers, genderqueers, transpeople, non-monogamous people, sex workers and other kinds of perverts, so I always feel right at home! I haven't been there in about five years. One of my favorite restaurants is Greens, I love Joseph Schmidt chocolates, and I haven't seen Good Vibrations (goodvibes.com) since it moved to a new location!

Tristan Taormino's workshop "Making Open Relationships Work" (for singles and couples) is on Monday at 7:30 p.m., at Good Vibrations, 603 Valencia St. (at 17th Street), and pre-registration is strongly recommended. On June 5, go to the same Good Vibes location for the "Opening Up and Chemistry 4 Release Party" at 6:30 p.m. (free admission). Visit openingup.net/tour/ for more information.

Violet Blue is a Forbes "Web Celeb", notorious blogger (Laughing Squid), high-profile tech personality and one of Wired's "Faces of Innovation." She writes for outlets ranging from Forbes.com to O, The Oprah Magazine. She is regarded as the foremost expert in the field of sex and technology, a sex-positive pundit in mainstream media ( CNN, The Oprah Winfrey Show) and is interviewed, quoted and featured prominently by major media outlets. Violet has many award-winning, best-selling books, a famous podcast, is fun to follow on Twitter, and is a San Francisco native.

Blue headlines at conferences ranging from ETech, The Forbes Internet Leadership Conference, LeWeb and SXSW: Interactive, to Google Tech Talks at Google, Inc. Her tech site is Techyum; her audio and e-books are at Digita Publications.

For more information and links to Web sites discussed in Open Source Sex, go to Violet Blue's Web site, tinynibbles.com.