Oh! The Places You’ll Go when you’re a parent. Here’s an uplifting and hilarious poem by Gillian Breckell (based on the original Dr Seuss masterpiece we know and love) to soothe tired mamas. It’s best read with some chocolate or wine or anything that makes you feel good inside.

Congratulations!

Today brought a baby.

You’re off to Great Places!

Or is that a maybe…

You have boobs exploding

And other pains too.

The epidural was wonderful

But you’re still scared to poo.

You’re on your own. And you know sweet fuck all.

And everyone has an opinion about what you should do.

You’ll look things up on Google.

Look ’em over with care.

About some you should say,

“I don’t choose to go there.”

With your arms full of baby and eyes full of tears,

Remember that some people feed from your fears.

And you may not find any

New ideas to apply.

It all just depends,

On which fucks you let fly.

(It’s easier to let go

Just go with the flow)

They tell you about bottles

And boob-baba-boobs

The’ll tell you about solids

And freezing food cubes.

There’ll be opinions on sleep

And tears versus time.

I recommend sleep deprivation

Paired with a good wine.

Oh! The fucks you will give!

You’ll be so proud to have

Your great sleeper or eater

And the smiles! Oh!

Life couldn’t be sweeter!

Your kid will be great because you’ll have the skills

You’ll survive it all fine without any bad spills.

Wherever you go, you’ll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.

Because sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so

But, sadly, it’s true

That tantrums and crazies

Can happen to you.

Your kid will surprise you

In good ways and bad.

You’ll be left standing beside them,

Sometimes feeling quite sad.

You’ll see people judging

And giving advice

Maybe they undermine you,

None of it’s nice.

And when all that happens

It’s really not fun

Maybe you feel that all your

Good work is undone.

You will come to a place where the days are so long.

Where some things get done but most things are wrong.

A place you could lose your mind and your heart.

A place where almost everything smells like old fart.

Would everything please just stop coming apart?

And if you should choose, should you do this or that?

Or just let it be and lie here on the mat?

Can you go for some ice-cream and just leave it behind?

Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,

But you are the best and you know your own mind.

You can get so confused

That you might start to doubt.

(And the dinner is burning and partner is out,

And the kids are embarking on a huge fighting bout,

And you might feel your lip beginning to pout)

And then it just happens.

A moment of rest.

Laughs, cuddles and a kiss

And a “Mum you’re the best”

A moment when you see

The kids will just be

Exactly quite perfectly just how they should be.

And it all comes together.

They’ll sleep through the night

And they’ll learn not to bite.

(Not guaranteed but I’m sure that they might!)

They’ll learn to pick their nose

Behind closed doors.

And you can read without toes

All up in your nose.

It all comes together.

Yes! We understand all the stress.

You just keep doing it, just do your best

And everything else? Well fuck all the rest…

And when on your journey, on your way through this life.

Remember there should be fun alongside the strife.

Is it true that right now it “just needs to be done”?

Or can we stop, be together, and have silly fun?

Whatever you choose, it will work out just fine.

(And “tomorrow’s a new day” is another great line.)

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed)

So…

Be your name Super Mum or Wild-Eyed and Crazy

Or Screw It Nothing Today Will Faze Me,

You’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So… get on your way!

Read more:

The Tiger Who Came to Tea: A True Story

Gillian Breckell currently lives in Shanghai with her Danish-Kiwi family. She has an MA in Leadership and is in the embryonic stages of an MSc in Organisational Psychology.

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