***In case you are especially dense or humorless, or just don’t take the time to actually read anything, this post is satire. All quotes attributed to real people were fabricated in the author’s dull imagination.***

K-State’s football team won a thrilling 48-41 victory on Saturday over the fifth-ranked Oklahoma Sooners. But victory has turned sour in the Little Apple.

The Big 12 Conference publicly reprimanded K-State for defeating the Sooners and wrecking OU’s chances of making the College Football Playoff as badly as the Sooner Schooner wrecked the week before. The loss of playoff revenue will cost the conference schools millions of dollars.

K-State’s statement in full is below:

“On behalf of K-State Athletics, Inc., head coach Chris Klieman and all the fans of Wildcat Nation, we are profoundly sorry to all other Big 12 member institutions, including ourselves. Our selfish act on Saturday has deprived the Big 12 schools of vital resources needed to build facilities, pay buyouts for fired coaches, and in the case of KU and Baylor, pay for their lawyers. Fortunately, this fine will not deprive any student-athletes of any compensation, because we don’t pay them anyway.”

K-State athletic director Gene Taylor and head football coach Chris Klieman could not be reached for comment. They embraced each other so forcefully on the field after Saturday’s game that they could not be pried apart and have required ongoing medical assistance to decouple.

In their place, befuddled reporters contacted former K-State athletic director, John Currie.

“It’s a tough, but fair, penalty,” Currie said. “These are not the actions of a model intercollegiate athletic program. Winning is important, but you can’t get in the way of the revenue streams. While I have your ear, if they ever want me back as athletic director, I’m game. Or maybe compliance? We totally complied the hell, uhh, heck out of things when I was there. Ha ha!”

K-State president Gen. Richard Myers provided the following statement.

“While this was an egregious mistake by our football team, we are profoundly thankful that none of Oklahoma’s players or coaches were chicken-winged by the fans rushing the field,” Myers said. “It’s bad enough having Bill Self mad about that, and Lincoln Riley has a way crazier accent than Self. By the way, we’re still sorry about that one, Bill.”

The Big 12 has left open the option for K-State to retract the apology, and will rescind the reprimand in the event that the Sooners eventually do qualify for the College Football Playoff this year. Such outcomes are not unprecedented.

Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby also announced that Saturday’s officiating crew will not be used in future Big 12 Conference games.

“They had all that time during the replay to think about all the money they could cost the conference by making the wrong call,” Bowlsby said. “But they did it anyway. Nobody will escape accountability.”