Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Sir Bevin Says Chess is to Blame for the Fiefdom’s Recent Crossbow Incident!

“We have to look at the internet because a lot of bad things are happening to young kids and young minds and their minds are being formed,” Mr. Trump said, “and we have to do something about maybe what they’re seeing and how they’re seeing it. And also video games. I’m hearing more and more people say the level of violence on video games is really shaping young people’s thoughts.”

— Donald Trump, New York Times, 2/23/18

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In light of the recent crossbow spree in the wheat fields, our benevolent ruler, Lord Sir Bevin ”The Pasty,” would like to set a few things straight. He has heard your indomitable groaning, but alas, there’s nothing he can do at the present moment to assuage your suffering. For you see, the problem lies not within his opulent throne room — nor in the country’s infallible Magna Carta — nay, the true culprit slumbers ‘neath these very thatched roofs.

The Devil’s plaything of which we reference ‘tis chess.

Verily our benevolent ruler has observed a direct correlation between the increase in crossbow-related deaths and children playing chess. It is undeniable that a youngster obsessed with “capturing queens” and “checking kings” is more prone to fits of violent rage than a child who exclusively plays with dirt or is afflicted with the plague.

How could they not be? Few experiences inflame the impressionable mind of a child more than viciously flinging a defeated piece from the board. If they play long enough, children begin to view everyone as nothing more than giant chess pieces, waiting to be knocked over. Truthfully, our greatest apothecaries have confirmed it so!

And, yes, though crossbows are a relatively new invention, we have had myriad forms of bows throughout the land for centuries. Without a strong bow, how would we protect ourselves from barbarians or, even worse, barbarians with crossbows of their own? Besides, Sir Bevin doesn’t remember any vicious slayings from when he was growing up. There may have been some, but surely not like now. The state of our fiefdom is much, much worse since the peasants began preoccupying their time with savage chess instead of sitting under the tutelage of the town priest who reads to them the Holy Bible in sacred Latin.

But indeed, ’tis simplistic to blame solely chess, for that would be the height of absurdity. The fault also lies with these bawdy tales our bards recite in the local taverns. Stories of intercourse and brutal, violent exploits are transforming your precious children into murderous fiends. And don’t even get the Sir Bevin started on that lute music you all can’t seem to get enough of. If sex made sound, though the king assures me it does not, it’d be that of a minstrel strumming away on his venereal lute.

To answer your question, no, Sir Bevin won’t outright ban chess per se. After all, a wise ruler considers economic factors, and chess boards are selling quite well. Chess is still the problem, but it should be up to the parents to regulate their offspring.

The point here is that the problem most certainly definitely ’tisn’t crossbows. ’Tis chess. And bawdy tales. Not crossbows!