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The Tea Party Guide to Marriage

Behind the Mama Grizzlies; the Tea Party Guide to Marriage

Titillating dirt is being flung in Florida’s 8th district House race between Alan Grayson (D) and Dan Webster (R). Alan Grayson’s “Submit to Me” ad against his opponent, Taliban Dan, aka: Dan Webster, a follower of The Institute in Basic Life Principles, who most assuredly does not want us on our knees, has been the source of much controversy. PolitiFact found that in spite of Palin et al’s tweetnials, Webster did address the group in 2009 and so in some way agreed with and condoned their beliefs, although his “submit to me” was taken out of context. No one, I repeat no one, wants you to submit to them. Get it right, LameStreamMedia! Sheesh.

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Memories:

I thought I’d best just head on over to the Institute to see what old Dan does believe in, since I’d hate to get this one wrong. Wouldn’t ya’ know it, at the The Institute in Basic Life Principles , we can have questions answered like “how to be a godly wife”. It’s like they read my mind, because I’ve been sitting here wondering that for days….

Of course, I am not allowed to surf the internet on my own normally, but today I got permission and before I find my place again, I wanted to share this with you girls! Pay attention or God will be super mad.

Meeting Your Husband’s Seven Basic Needs

(H)ow to be a Godly wife:

A man needs a wife who is loyal and supportive. Helping her husband fulfill his goals and dreams is a wife’s main responsibility. Remember that you are to support his vision—he establishes the goals and priorities for your family. A foolish wife will crush her husband’s spirit by resisting his decisions, and God will hold her accountable for disobedience to His instructions. (See Ephesians 5:22-24.)

Oh, dear. I can see I’m already off to a bad start.

A wife is never supposed to “take over.” In response to pressures within the family or within a marital relationship, a foolish wife will take matters into her own hands.



So, by take over, does this mean I should or should not work? Oh, I’m not doing this right. Does anyone have a mirror?



A wife should demonstrate loyalty to her husband’s wishes, goals, and standards. Therefore, when a need arises, you should seek your husband’s guidance and counsel first…



What kinda need are we talkin’ here?

Resistance or indifference to your husband’s need for physical intimacy is the unspoken crushing of his spirit.

I have heard this so many times! It must be true. God wants me to sleep with him, so he says. It must be right.



Scripture instructs a wife to reverence her husband. (See Ephesians 5:33.) What does that mean? To reverence a husband means “to respect, defer to, revere him; to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy him.”

Not to be confused with “submit to me.” FYI.

Honor your husband’s God-given authority. Submission to your husband is a reflection of your faith in God. The Bible speaks of holy women of old whose subjection to a husband’s leadership was a demonstration of their faith in God.



See, this is why I vote Republican. Republicans understand what God wants me to do so much more than any of those non-divinely righted rulers do. Is that a word? Oh, dear. Is there some man who can help me? Anyone?

Don’t undermine your husband’s leadership.

Yes, sir.



A man needs a wife who develops inward and outward beauty.

I can see that from Fox News, Christine O’Donnell, and Sarah Palin. I mean, I see the outward beauty. Which is all that matters. I think God got this one wrong, at least according to the Palin fans, God did. God only cares about external success. Hello, Institute of Yesterday!

The inward qualities of a meek spirit and quiet spirit are the keys to genuine attractiveness.

Yes, like Sarah Palin. I can see your impotent limp cojones from here! (It’s ok for me to disagree when I am using Sarah’s words. God loves her best. Ahead of the mens.)



Learn to have a meek and quiet spirit.



See above, God.



Stay beautiful for your husband.

No matter how much plastic surgery it takes; God loves plastic. Just look at the Fox Barbies.

Practice self-control, especially in the area of diet. God is concerned about the bondage of overeating and gluttony, and many wives struggle with the issue of self-control, especially after giving birth to children. Weight control requires consistent conformity to God’s principles of living.

This only applies to you girls, obviously. Rush, Beck, Rove et al get a pass as I can’t see them subnittin’ to Dan.



A man needs a wife who will make appeals, not demands. Serve your husband well.

In no way should you confuse this with submission.



Guard your heart and your mouth.



Oops.

A man needs a grateful wife. Frequently express sincere gratitude.

Thank you for your awesome perfection of misogyny!



Become a virtuous woman.



We can’t all be Bristol Palin – or can I too be re—virginized?



A man needs a wife who will be praised by others.

Why didn’t y’all just tell me that? That explains Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean. Finally!

Good lord, I’m glad someone finally put this down for me. I can see I’ve been doing stuff all wrong.

When the Tea Party says they want to take their country back, they mean you, too. You. Mama Grizzly. Submit to Dan. On your knees, woman and keep that mouth closed unless you can keep it meek and subservient.

Leaders of the Tea Party like Sarah Palin have endorsed candidates like Dan Webster, which kinda tells me everything I need to know about the conservative “feminist” movement. Good bunch of Mama Grizzlies fightin’ for Big Daddy there.

Come on back, girls, to the good old days. You know you want to….

Submit to Dan. Oh, I kid, I kid! It’s clear Dan meant nothing of the sort. Or so he tells me.

Note: This post is approved by God.