Hello, I’m the Token Precocious Child On Whatever the Latest HBO Show Is

My name is Hana Kipling-Hull, and I’m ten! I’m the currently the latest child actress to appear as a precocious daughter on whatever sexually charged and emotionally exhausting but critically-acclaimed show is on HBO right now. My main thing is that I’m chock-full of razor-sharp observational comedy that normally stems from a deep pool of wisdom formed by a lifetime of pain and experience.

In my spare time as the token precocious child, I also dabble in selecting songs that perfectly frame a scene that either just happened or is about to happen, blasting them as loud as I can off my iPhone even though nobody asked me to. Sure, my dialogue is unnatural and unearned, but the bad, forced, tonally inconsistent jokes on this show have to come from somewhere, and my parents are too busy abusing each other, having terrifying sex, or getting divorced to come up with witty quips! That’s where I come in, ya bastards. Hehehe! I’m ten!

Being a kid on an HBO show hasn’t always been easy, but I’m so fucking smart and precocious that I’ve managed to turn a completely toxic living situation into a joke generator, serving up much-needed laughs whenever the adults surrounding me are publicly showcasing poisonous behavior that will shape me for the rest of my ruined life. I love juice!!!

Ugh. Here we go again. Hear all those thumps and groans? Dad and dad are fucking upstairs again. Either that or one of my dads is hitting the other dad. Hahaha! They’re always abusing each other. Call me when you’re sober, ya filthy animals! I’m ten!!!!!

Anyway, I have to show you this incredible song I found on my own when I was hanging out in the kitchen reading the Kama Sutra — and before you panic, it was part of my homework for fifth grade at my charter school, so don’t get your thong in a twist. Ya, I know thongs — my gay dad’s best girlfriend gave me a bunch of her old g-strings from when she was stripping. Now she’s in the PTA, but she’s the edgy one because she has braids and is half-black. Me love doing gymnastics! One day I’m gonna be the president, lord help me! But that’s a long ways away because I’m ten, and churning out an hour’s worth of comedy is a full-time job.

The song you’re hearing right now is “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. The symbolism is probably too much for your fat-ass lizard brains as you watch this on your mom’s cousin’s coworker’s HBO GO account, so I’ll break it down for you. I’m playing this song because I’m imagining living in a home where my two dads aren’t always hitting each other and buying and selling guns, and also because Pitchfork said I should check it out and I’m literally so plugged in as a ten year old on an HBO show.

Later today I’m going to go to therapy with my whole family and I’ll use Legos to describe all the things that will certainly haunt me in my darkest moments alone for the rest of my life. I like using Legos because they remind me of the crack cocaine my dad sells for money even though he pretends to go to an office every day. What’s that about? That guy’s gonna be the death of me, brother!

Ya filthy animals will NOT believe this: my thirty-year-old boyfriend who lives in Argentina is instagram DM-ing me for like the fiftieth time today. He says I can move there when he’s out of house arrest. He is such a fucking cuck bitch, and I can say that because I’m ten going on thirty!

Alright, I gotta go! My dad has the carseat all loaded up and it’s time for me to get in a deadly car crash with him or whatever! He’s so drunk! Can I just say?? Sometimes I feel like I’m the parent and THEY’RE the kids!! I’m SO ten years old!