Chapter Text

DRAMATIS PERSONAE AND GUILDS OF RAVNICA

These introduce you to the characters and major groups herein, in case you were attacked by this sequel in a dark alley face-hugger-style without having read the first one.

CHAPTER ONE: EPILOGUE - KAYA

Oh, we're doing it so the prologue is the epilogue, and the epilogue is the prologue, and the middle part is the still the middle part. For artistical reasons. That's coo. I can get behind that.

Kaya looks at Dack Fayden's corpse. This makes me sad, Kaya thinks. Kaya looks at Teyo and Rat. This makes me happy, Kaya thinks.

(The actual prose is decent - much more well-paced than War of the Spark - but subtle it is not.)

After experiencing this whirlwind of emotions, she stumbles across a quarreling Gatewatch. Because it is no longer the very end of a block, they are no longer effective.

"I say we bury Gids on Theros," Chandra whimpers, shedding a tear in remembrance of her favorite dong.

"And I say we bury Gids on keeping-the-Guildpact-together," Ajani grunts.

"That makes no sense," Jace interjects.

"Neither does suggesting that we renew our oaths, but I'm going to do that too, because I am a giant cat and you are not."

Kaya stares awkwardly.

Good for them, but that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Wonder if there are any good sushi places on Ravnica. Did I leave the oven on before I left Vizkopa this morning? Hey, I bet if I Danny Phantomed my ribs I could lick my own- wait why is the third-person omniscient focused on me OH MY GODDESS I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING AREN'T I.

She steps forward, and raises a hand.

"Eh, why not. For the living, for the dead, and for my further involvement in the plot, I will keep watch."

Everyone claps. There is a parade for Gideon. A marching band plays his favorite song, It's Raining Men Who Are Manly, in a minor key. Niv-Mizzet swoops through the sky and lands in front of everyone.

"I am Guildpact," he says Guildpactily. "Remember what I said at the end of the last novel about sending Ral, Vraska, and Kaya to kill Tezzeret, Dovin Baan, and Liliana? I'm saying it again."

CHAPTER TWO: LILIANA VESS

Liliana Vess slogs through the morass of Caligo Forest, with only hella guilt to keep her company.

I wish I were dead, she thinks. This is ironic, because she has spent the last twelve real-world-years trying to very not die.

"Hey, I have death in me," says a large stankwater.

"Physical death, or the spiritual death-of-self that I need to dissociate from my horrible past and move on?"

"I think the kind that kills you."

"Eh, close enough," she says, and swan-dives in. This is still ironic. Greg Weisman wants to make sure you know that.

As she sinks to the bottom of the swamp, she sees a bright light.

God? she thinks. Is that you? Are you finally here to punish me for the time I bought an orphanage and turned it into an orphan fight club?

No, the light says. I am more powerful than God. I am Gideon. Stop drowning yourself; I learned how to bounce my pecs to the rhythm of Macho Man while I was in heaven and I want to show off.

Liliana bursts out the water like a SeaWorld dolphin. But the light is not Gideon. It is the Shame Light, shaming shame down upon her.

Irony.

CHAPTER THREE: TEYO VERANDA

"Kill Dovin, Tezzeret, and Liliana," Niv-Mizzet says.

"We can't track down Dovin, Tezzeret, and Liliana," Vraska says, "so we're going to need to wait a few chapters until some contrived, just-so solution appears."

"Okay," Niv-Mizzet says.

CHAPTER FOUR: JACE BELEREN

"I want to kill Liliana," Chandra says, "because she did bad things."

"Please don't," Jace replies, "because she also did good things."

"Motion to table killage discussion after we bury Gideon," Ajani says.

The group grumbles in assent. Chandra, Jaya, Teferi, Karn, Ajani, Nissa, Huatli, and Saheeli planeswalk to Kaladesh. Having checked off his attendance list, Jace turns to Vraska.

"We had a date planned," she says.

"That's right, Captain. Tin Street. Coffee. A bookstore," Jace shouts over my audible squeals of delight.

They walk.

"Didn't we just pass Tin Street?"

"Yep-a-doodle-do."

"Where are we going?"

"My quarters," Vraska says.

"Ah."

"Do you have protection?" Vraska whispers into Jace's ear.

"From which color?"

CHAPTER FIVE: LILIANA VESS

A raven perches on a bough a few feet in front of Liliana. Then it flies to another tree. Its mate lands beside it. As Liliana keeps walking, the two ravens set off, only to find purchase in a snaggle-barked dead oak where two more ravens were nesting. Then another raven arrives, then another, then-

"You can come out, Raven Man," Liliana snarls. "It was pretty clear after the second raven."

"Hush," one of the ravens caws. "I haven't seen you since Dominaria and I've been practicing this the whole time you were gone."

The raven flaps down and turns into Raven Man. "Would you like to be controlled for dark and mysterious purposes?"

"No thanks."

"Well, I tried."

CHAPTER SIX: RAT

Rat is sad that her friends are planeswalkers who will surely abandon her. This is actually an interesting facet of the game's main conceit that we haven't seen explored enough. Boy, I sure hope we delve into that conflict, and not create a weird exception to a fundamental rule of our narrative to obviate it!

Teyo still thinks toilets are straight-up magic. He's also awkward around Rat because he's smitten. Dangit, boy, just man up and let her peg you.

Kaya's womanservant, Madame Blaise, struggles to see Rat. Silly servant! You're lower-class and overwhelmed by characters who bend reality to their whims! Ha ha ha!

CHAPTER SEVEN: TEZZERET

"I'm home," Tezzeret says, stepping onto Esper, "and I have a gaggle of gargoyles. Plus a cute lil' homonculus."

"I'm marketable!" she squeaks.

Tezzeret flies off on his gargoyles, laughing half-maniacally, half-artifactiacally.

CHAPTER EIGHT: RAL ZAREK

Ral sloshes around in his bathtub, planning his ambush of Tezzeret with the Izzet League's most cunning and calculating rubber ducky.

Tomik peeks his head through the door. "Isn't that a bad idea? You're pretty much a human that was bitten by a radioactive toaster."

"A very sexy toaster, by the Dune-Brood," Ral shoots back, stepping out of the bath. (Sidebar: Weisman peppered lots of "gods-be-damned" and "oh gods" throughout War of the Spark. In Forsaken, he uses unique curses and oaths for characters from different planes. It's a great improvement. Good job, Weisman!) "Sex?"

"No. Law."

"Sex."

"Law."

"Sex!"

"...Law-sex?"

"Sexy sex."

Tomik sighs. "Coming. In more ways than one."

Ral fist-pumps.

CHAPTER NINE: RAT

"We should kill Liliana," Kaya says, "because she still did bad things."

"We should not kill Liliana," Teyo says, "because she still did good things."

Hekara still can't see Rat.

That's sad.

CHAPTER TEN: VRASKA

Let's bang said she / Hot dang said he

Please ride me harder said he / Thinkin' 'bout murder said she

Don't be fussy said she / Your gorgussy said he

Let's go to Vryn said he / Let's bone again said she

While more suggestive than expected, this was a welcome pay-off for nearly two years of tension, development, and set-up; furthermore, it's wonderful that Wizards is willing to mature in its storytelling and portray happy couples rather than just string together fight scenes and will-they-won't-they romance - stories are about not only the conflicts we struggle with, but also what we aspire to, and I'm glad to see the writers be vulnerable enough to admit that deep down what most of us want is a healthy relationship with a little bit of hot sticky monster lovin' sprinkled in said she / Hold on, my rhyming dictionary is in the other room said he