Home » Fantasy Football Tips A Satirical Review Of Fantasy Premier League Gameweek 3 A Satirical Review Of Fantasy Premier League Gameweek 3

Tottenham 1 – 1 Liverpool

Tottenham will feel the happier of the two sides after they hosted Liverpool in a thrilling 1-1 draw.

There’s a rumour, drifting somewhere innocuously in the ether, that early kick-offs are usually dull affairs. Whether true or not, the stigma certainly wasn’t applicable to GW3’s opener. This one had me erect from start to finish. Liverpool dominated early proceedings – the deadly trio of Mane, Firmino and Coutinho running rings around a static Tottenham defence. Kyle Walker decided he was too poorly to continue playing, the doctor’s badge that read “I’m a brave boy” still fastened to his armband as he winced his way off the pitch in the 28th minute.

For all intents and purposes, it looked like Liverpool would stroll to an impressive away win, but chance after chance went by for the Reds. Coutinho’s efforts were more dribbly than my Nan after her recent stroke, and for all of Mane’s creativity in midfield, Jurgen Plopp’s team seemed unable to add the final product.

That was until Firmino tripped over his own feet, with Panic! At the Disco bass player Eric Pamela in tow. James Milner chimed in to convert from 12 yards, and the game already looked out of sight for Pinocchio’s men.

Things didn’t improve for Spurs. Horse Kane had about as much prowess in front of goal as an actual horse, and the likes of Deli Counter and Sony Eriksen failed to show up once again. It took until the 72nd minute for Pamela to make amends for his early penalty concession, with a lovely flick that teed up Danny Rose, who’s shinned scuff into the bottom corner would see any schoolboy proud. Those FPL managers who own a Liverpool attacker might well feel aggrieved at an opportunity missed.

My tip – Liverpool showed huge promise going forward, but the stand-out player was definitely Mane. If he can stay on the right side of the referee, he will be an asset.

Chelsea 3 – 0 Burnley

Chelsea continued their flawless start to the season with an impeccable display against newcomers Burnley.

Chelsea are in serious danger of looking like a team that can win the league. Hazardous Waste is a waste no more – the Belgian midfielder looked as sharp as ever, and has already stuck his flagpole in Player of the Season territory. Then again, they all looked good on Saturday. Burnley were reduced to mere spectators – watching a far superior team dictate the match from start to finish. Even Moses managed to score – rumours have already began to circulate that he is due to add an 11th commandment: Thou Shalt Not Fuck with Chelsea This Season.

Professional homophobe Andre Gay was once again in the spotlight after the striker started launching a tirade against his own manager, Shaun Dyche, who he had confused for a butch lesbian at half-time. The Burnley forward defended himself after the match, claiming anyone who’s 2nd name is Dyche should expect such abuse. Needless to say, a ban looks imminent. For Andre Grey, I mean. Not lesbians.

My tip – Chelsea look irresistible this season. Without European fixtures to worry about, they could launch a serious campaign for the title. Find a way to include Hazard

Crystal Palace 1 – 1 Bournemouth

Scott Dann robbed Bournemouth of their first win of the season with a last gasp header to earn Crystal Phallus a hard-fought point.

Harry Farter’s pass and Joshua King’s neat finish in the 11th minute set the scene for this game, with Bournemouth content to defend their 1 goal lead rather than go in search of another. The decision seemed to be working – Phallus midfielder Yohan Scabeye blamed his terrible conjunctivitis for missing a penalty in the first half, and it seemed The Eagles were fated to slump to their 3rd successive defeat this season.

Their determination paid off, however, when Scott Dann – the bastard who always seem to score whenever you don’t have him in your team – nodded home to earn Phallus’ first point of the campaign in dramatic fashion.

New signing Catholic Benteke started for Palace today, but, aside from winning the penalty which was subsequently missed, the Belgian failed to make a huge impact. He made headlines earlier this week when teammate, Damien Delaney, acutely observed that their new signing is not, as many suspected, the small, white, Argentinian forward Lionel Messiah. “There has been lots of confusion” said Delaney. “I wanted to set the record straight: Benteke is a big, black Belgian man. He is not Lionel Messiah. No matter how much we wish it to be so.”

My tip – Scott Dann proved himself last season and will definitely bag himself a few goals this season too. But for me, he’s a little too pricey for a defensively shaky side.

Everton 1 – 0 Stoke

Shay Given’s fantastic finish saw Everton maintain their unbeaten start to the season, and put even more pressure on visiting Stoke.

Leighton Baines is the Baine of my life. He’s a Leighton Pain in the arse. In GW1, it seemed the 70’s mod full-back had been taken off set pieces – prompting many an FPL manager to give him the boot in favour of a cheaper alternative. Not so in GW3, it seems. Luckily for the trigger happy managers, he seems to have lost his touch, and needed a fantastic diving header from Shay Given to send Everton into the lead.

He did, however, manage a clean-sheet – making Everton one of only 5 teams able to do so this weekend. Stoke, meanwhile, looked uninspired, save for a Marco Astronautovic effort that bounced back off the crossbar. Sam Allardyce, fresh from his cameo in Beyonce’s Lemonade, was at the game on Saturday and will no doubt have food-for-thought after a strong performance from Ross Barkley. Unfortunately for the young attacking midfielder, Allardyce seems to have eaten all of that food-for-thought in typical Allardyce fashion, devouring it before giving it proper consideration. All of it washed down with every England Manager’s favourite beverage: a pint of youthful pace, lofty ambition and exciting potential.

In summary, it was a game Everton should have won, and they did. Lukaku had an effort cleared off the line, and Barkley owners shouldn’t be disheartened by his lack of points.

My tip: Barkley remains good value for now, but with so many good midfielders emerging, he’ll need to find some consistency soon. Something he’s struggled with for some time.

Leicester 2 – 1 Swansea

Last season’s champions rediscovered their winning ways against a struggling Swansea in an entertaining tie at the King Power.

Watching this match felt akin to stepping in a time-warp, with remnants of last season’s Leicester in abundance. Jamie Vardy and Danny Drinkwater combined to score a goal so typical of their 15/16 campaign: a speculative, long ball from the midfielder that released his pacey teammate through on goal. Jamie Vardy doesn’t miss those, even when he’s nursing a hangover from the first of a 3-night bank-holiday bender. Or the spank holiday, as he calls it.

Riyad Mahrez even missed a penalty – it was truly vintage Leicester. Wes Morgan doubled Leicester’s lead, but owners of the centre-back will be disappointed their man couldn’t keep a clean-sheet. Despite having blood thrown on him from angry anti-Fer protesters, Swansea’s budget midfielder scored his 2nd in 3 matches with an 80th minute header.

Guidolin’s rain dance before kick-off worked wonders, with 6 of Leicester’s bench drowned in the floods. Schmichael got so wet that it aggravated a hernia, meaning the Danish keeper had to be taken off just after half time – much to the inevitable frustration of his FPL owners. Asked why Swansea players seemed so unphased by the downpour, Guidolin simply replied “We’re called the fucking Swans, you idiot.”

My tip – you can do a lot better than Mahrez for the money so far this season. I expect he’ll be heavily shipped during the international break.

Southampton 1 – 1 Sunderland

2 late goals saw these two sides share the points in a frustrating afternoon for both teams.

Everyone’s favourite no.2 goalkeeper Jordan Pickford debuted for Sunderland on Saturday, and looked relatively impressive until he let Bae Rodriguez’s 85th minute effort slip underneath him. It followed an 80th minute penalty for Sunderland, cooley converted by the GW’s top-scoring striker, Willam Defoe. Simply Redmond and Tadic owners were left frustrated, as both lacked the cutting edge necessary to break down a resilient Blunderland, despite playing in front of a home crowd.

The result leaves both sides still without a win, and puts an end to the arrogant wankers who thought they were FPL-gurus because they had Redmond on the opening weekend. Paul Dorkley, from Peterborough, was one of those managers. “I did my research and bought him in the day before GW1 began. I’ve never felt so clever” said Paul. “I started a twitter account, and began writing a blog offering my tips and suggestions.”

Paul currently resides at 2,709,314th in the Global League.

My tip – Jermaine Defoe continues his good form, but I’ll be staying away from Southampton players for now. Despite great stats, there are more likely point-scorers than Tadic at the moment.

Watford 1 – 3 Arsenal

Arsenal swept aside Watford in an impressive first half, despite a spirited 2nd half effort from the hosts.

Shit. Don’t worry, we all forgot about Ozil and Sanchez too. It’s okay. We have next GW to try and involve them. A deep fear began to creep over FPL managers everywhere this Gameweek. The moment we had been dreading loomed on the horizon like a spectre. By the end of the first half of this match, it had us all round the neck, caught in its icy, sinister grip.

No, I’m not talking about Adam Johnson. I’m talking about the daunting prospect of all the most expensive players in FPL beginning to perform. Ibra and Aguero were enough, we thought. We don’t need Sanchez and Ozil on top of them. Not to mention Hazard. Just fuck off. Where’s Capoue when you need him? Unfortunately, this is the stark reality of things now. It’s looking like we’re going to need at least one of Sanchez and Ozil, after the pair dominated proceedings in the opening 45 minutes against Watford. FML FPL indeed.

There was some consolation for the cash-strapped among us: a debut goal from Watford substitute Pereyra. Could he have potential? Time will tell. For now, it’s going to be hard to justify not investing in some Arsenal midfield, whether we like it or not. Good fucking luck, folks.

My tip – I thought Arsenal would come out of the blocks, and they have. Can they win the league? Probably not. Can they score some goals? Yes – and Sanchez and Ozil are bound to be amongst it when they do.

Hull 0 – 1 Man Utd

Man Utd waited until the 92nd minute to claim all 3 points against a brave and organised Hull City.

Caretaker and manager Mike Phelan is rumoured to have devised his match plan whilst fixing a faulty fusebox in the KCOM stadium’s basement last week. The plan was simple: stop Ibrahimovic and throw men in front of every ball. Until the 92nd minute, the plan was working a treat. For all of Man Utd’s firepower, they were unable to find a way through Hull’s disciplined and inspired defense. Paul Pogba, who like every GW had captained himself, pulled the strings in midfield, but the frenchman spurned numerous shooting opportunities in the 2nd half.

Mourinho, sensing the win like a Portuguese sniffer dog, played his trump card: the introduction of Fanny Rashford and long-lost brother of Daenerys, Mkhitaryan Targaryen. The two made a huge impact: Hull could not live with their penetrative confidence on the ball, and suddenly, a goal seemed inevitable.

It came from an unlikely source: Wayne Rooney, who up until stoppage time had been largely ineffective. The forward, bizarrely accompanied by a pet donkey throughout the game, fizzed a fast, low ball across the rain-soaked face of goal. 10-year old Fanny Rashford, in his first Premier League appearance this season, was there to tap home. The away stand celebrated raucously as the youngster offered himself to them, with Keith Prickston the first to get his hands on the boy. “He smelt like a combination of Lynx deodorant and fresh Pokemon cards” said Keith. “I’m pretty sure he asked me if I had any shineys, but it was pretty loud in there”.

Keith, who has since failed a DBS check, is now rotting away in prison.

My tip – The hardest question regarding Man Utd is who will play and for how long. Rashford and Mkhitaryan looked fantastic, but will they start next GW? By all accounts, they should, but Mourinho is hardly known for his predictability.

West Brom 0 – 0 Middlesbrough

West Brom were held to a goalless draw against Middlesbrough, as neither team showed the cutting edge necessary to take home the 3 points.

With Stuani, Negredo and Rondon all playing, this was, for many FPL managers, a fixture all about their 3rd attacker. As the game progressed, however, the focus shifted to the defenders: this was a stubborn, gritty game. Like an ugly child, only its close family could love it.

But that’s the beauty of FPL: for 90 minutes we were an adopted close family, and what might have been a snotty, fat kid actually became one we could learn to love. The kind of child to testify against the likes of Keith Prickston. The result will be a frustrating one for the many who bought in Negredo or Stuani, but those that own West Brom defenders can take heart from a solid and organised display.

The result means that Middlesbrough are still well on track to fulfil their ultimate destiny: to finish exactly in the middle of the league. And as we all know – if they succeed in doing that, a big, wooden boat will rock up at the Riverside Stadium and whisk the squad and manager – Karanka the Black – away to the undying lands across the Northern Sea.

My tip – West Brom’s defence are going to be the key to any success they have this season. If you don’t have him yet, McAuley could prove a great replacement for Stones.

Man City 3 – 1 West Ham

Man City answered their title rivals with a confident display against an injury-hit West Ham on Sunday.

With Ibrahimovic only managing 2 points against Hull, the Aguero captainers among us were licking our lips with anticipation. Finally, we thought. At last they’ll be punished for their stupid audacity. Like evil overlords, we laughed in gleeful delight when, on Saturday night, we saw that our league leader had scraped together a mere 37 points and only had John Stones left to play. That’ll teach ‘em we scoffed.

We were punished for such scoffing. Sterling, the hotly tipped 4 year old, has had a good season since GW1. He consolidated those performances on Sunday with 2 confidently taken goals, with the unlikely Fernandinho completing the tally. Aguero was nowhere to be seen.

“When I checked the results and saw that Man City had scored 3, I shat myself with delight” said Don Scratchmore as he swung from a noose in his living room. “It was only when I looked at the goalscorers that I thought, enough’s enou-”.

Meanwhile, Chancellor of the Exchequer and avid FPL manager Philip Hammond gave us all an update on the value of the Sterling. “After England’s exit from the Euro’s, the value of the Sterling crashed significantly. But as confidence has grown, the Sterling is well and truly strong again.”

In other words, expect a price increase.

My tip – Sterling is having a fantastic start, but he is a rotation risk after Sane becomes fit. Nolito and De Bruyne also look like strong prospects.