NEW YORK—The ongoing investigation into the death of Jeffrey Epstein in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center reportedly uncovered a serious breach of duty by two prison guards, who were placed on disciplinary leave Thursday for allowing themselves to be distracted by a mischievous monkey that stole their key ring. “These correctional officers failed to perform their routine check on Mr. Epstein Saturday morning because they were sidetracked by a very naughty monkey that snatched their jangling keys, causing them to abandon their posts and spend several hours chasing the little devil around the prison,” said a Justice Department spokesman, adding that the employees falsified multiple reports claiming that they had monitored Epstein when, in fact, they made several trips to a nearby market, buying bananas to use to capture the elusive monkey. “We aren’t sure how the monkey got in, because the guards had actually fallen asleep on Friday evening before being rudely awoken by the cheeky monkey smashing its cymbals together, and they immediately left their posts after it snatched their keys and pulled their hats down over their heads, causing them to become disoriented and bonk into each other. Furthermore, we’ve determined that at about the time of Epstein’s death, one of the guards was dangling from the ceiling after the monkey tricked him into showing how the trap they had set for it worked, and the other one was locked in a cell after the monkey put on a grass skirt and sun hat to disguise itself as a pretty lady and lured him in. They are on indefinite administrative leave while we gather more information and also apprehend this naughty monkey, which is still loose somewhere in the facility.” At press time, Epstein’s autopsy had been ruled inconclusive while the coroner raced down the street, jumping repeatedly in a futile effort to snatch the files back from a mischievous crow that had stolen them from an open window and was flying just out of reach.

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