When should you let go when one of your friends is accused of sexual assault?

There was a girl, and alcohol, and sex, and then something bad happened. You didn’t really know what it was – it’d happened somewhere up north, while he was visiting some friends – but you’d heard the whispers and you knew it was bad.

What do you do when you find out that someone you know and like might have done something unforgivable? You talk about it, late at night in the pub and in Facebook messages, you try to piece the story together, you avoid the events he might be going to.

What do you do when you feel that talking about it might not be enough? You confront him, finally, and he nearly breaks into tears, in the bathroom of a friend’s house, where you bumped into each other, which you’d hoped would not happen.

The bad thing was, it turned out, bad. He came close to sobbing in that bathroom but you find out afterwards that the night after it all happened, he’d tried to get in touch with people who knew the girl to assure them that it wasn’t a big deal, and she’d probably overreact, but really, these things happen when you put alcohol and sex and a boy in the same room.

Signs

So what now? He goes into hiding, and you talk some more. You talk to the other women who know him, and a pattern starts to emerge. Forced to think about his behaviour, they all start realising that actually, there’d always been something a bit wrong about him; a bit too aggressive, cruel.

there had been smaller things, boundaries you’d tried to set and which he’d overstepped

You and others realise that he’d never done something bad to any of you, but there had been smaller things, boundaries you’d tried to set and which he’d overstepped. Signs, doubts.

Were you surprised that he’d done something bad? Deep down, you weren’t, but friendship and trust are powerful things and it took some time to realise that you could have seen it coming.

It was different for the men, though. Some of the men in those circles listened to the women, and agreed with them, and also realised that there had been a pattern, and the bad thing hadn’t come out of nowhere.

Then there were the other men; most of them, really. They seemed so shocked that the bad thing had happened – even more shocked than you were – because how could have they seen it coming?

That night happened in a vacuum, and no-one should have to be ostracised for one mistake they made, they argued, and we should talk some more about it but ultimately, there was no point in sacrificing years of friendship for something that would not happen again.

Sympathy

The underlying message there had two parts. The first was that, of course, they had not realised that the bad thing had been the logical conclusion of too many weeks and months where his behaviour never felt quite right.

They hadn’t known about the stray hands and the cutting words and they only half-listened when you and the other women told them about it because taken separately, none of the incidents which had led to the bad thing had been too bad themselves.

The second part is that, to put it bluntly, you could tell that these men sympathised more with their friend than they did with you. They wouldn’t say it out loud, especially not in front of the women, but it could have been them.

They’d all been in rooms with girls and alcohol and sex and maybe some of them had done bad things and got away with them, but most definitely seemed like they knew that the line was thin and they might accidentally cross it one day.

the man was caught in limbo

The men were shocked because they’d had the privilege of enjoying their wilful blindness and now they wanted to go easy on him because seriously, hand on heart, who can tell themselves that they’re convinced they’d never do something bad?

And so the man was caught in limbo, waiting for you all to come to a conclusion on where his personal purgatory would lead.

The conclusion never came, because you couldn’t agree on what to do with him, and the burden was too heavy and, after all, he’d been a friend for so long; putting him on trial made the blood in all your veins slowly turn to lead.

Stuck in his halfway house, he kept seeing some of you, mostly the men, and avoiding some others. The ones who’d stuck by him did so because they thought that it had been a bad thing but it was out of character, and he had learnt his lesson.

Changed

The weeks turned into months and years, and the endless arguments and that night he nearly broke in front of you in that bathroom started feeling like a sad dream, populated with people you hadn’t seen in far too long.

You bumped into one of those friends recently, and asked, hesitantly, if he’d heard from him at all, since the bad thing and the mess that came after it. There was a silence and you both looked at the ground.

the apologies never came

He had convinced everyone who could still bear the sight of him that he had changed, that the bad thing had been a turning point, and that perhaps, those who had decided to put his faith in him had been right all along.

Some time later, they found out that he’d raped and sexually assaulted more than twelve women after that night where everything started.

The apologies never came when they realised they’d been wrong. You’d been accused of going on a witch hunt and now you know you were right, but feeling vindicated never brought you any joy.

You did learn something though; that pit in your stomach and the feelings the women around you couldn’t quite put into words were important, and deserved to be listened to.

It’s just a shame about the men, though.