Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!

Williamstown (KY) – Anyone who has ever set foot in the creationist themed museum in northern Kentucky has prayed for the opportunity to one day climb on an actual replica of Noah’s Ark. “Once you know the history of the world as the bible tells it, and learn of Noah’s incredible journey to save life from a great flood, you feel compelled to raise $100 million and build a 510 foot long Ark,” said Cletus Nelson of Lexington KY. “That’s all there is to it.”

A ministry called the Answers in Genesis have created another theme park dedicated to Christian creationist theory. The park called the “Ark Encounter” officially opened to the public today July 7th 2016. The replica is built to the bible’s specifications, but not everything has stayed the same.

“Not all animals could get on Noah’s Ark today,” Cletus said, “Noah was in a rush and didn’t have too much time to regulate which animals God wanted him to save. For example he took dinosaurs with him even though God planned to kill them all anyways.”

Cletus told us he was a consultant to the Ark’s builders, and currently a member of the unofficial Family Ark Regulation & Testing Department. A committee that helps educate young Christians and keep the Ark replica up to God’s standards. F.A.R.T.D. has just released their list of animals now banned from boarding Noah’s Ark after being labeled ‘too homosexually inclined species’, or as Cletus put it, “just too gay for this Ark.”

Noah’s Ark Replica: ‘Animals Now Too Gay to Board’

Penguins



Cletus didn’t know exactly how the committee reached all their conclusions but speculated non-the-less: “it’s probably the little tuxedos they wear, no straight bird dresses that nice 24/7.’

Giraffes

“Long necks are used for Satans work” said Cletus. When we looked a bit confused by this explanation, Cletus leaned in, nodded at us in a reassuring manner and said. “Satan’s GAY work.”

Male Pameranians

“I don’t think I need to explain this one to you folks, I mean, hair like that…God save him.”

Flamingos

“These birds are commonly understood to condone abortion and same sex marriage, they are definitely on the ‘No’ list,” stated Cletus.

Bonobo Chimpanzees

“Apparently these kinds of monkeys are perverts, they have sex with monkeys they are not married to, all the time. That just won’t fly on this new Ark.” – Cletus Nelson

When asked how the F.A.R.T.D committee came to its conclusions, Cletus said, “By reading the bible of course, and looking at lots of homosexual websites over the last few years,” Then he named some of the sites he used to do research on. “We’ll the standard sites that a good christian man uses to research gayness are many, I spent lots of time on gaystarnews.com, Grindr.com, Huffington Post, GaySingles.com, ChristianHomos.com, www.AmIGayLord.com, BeingGay&Christian.org, www.GayBibleBedTimeStories.com, & www.NPR.com.

In conclusion Cletus reminded us that if anyone shows up with giraffes or gay monkeys, they will not be admitted on the replica Ark, but that they are also working on plans for a ‘pray away the gay’ Zoo with a Moses theme, outside of Cleveland Ohio.