The Alabama Crimson Tide fan base is the dumbest in the country and there isn’t a close second.

Alabama’s fan base stupidity is not a function of a small minority of bad apples ruining it for the rest of the fans, nope, it’s the majority of the fan base that gives Alabama fans a bad name.

Let’s be clear about this, Harvey Updyke was not an outlier.

When news broke that authorities had arrested a man for poisoning the trees at Auburn, millions of Alabama fans secretly thought to themselves, “God, I hope it’s not Uncle Ray.”

That’s because Harvey Updyke could have easily been in many Bama families.

Easily.

Alabama fans are so dumb that every single other SEC fan base thinks, “Damn, you Bama fans are really stupid.”

Kentucky fans are like, “These Bama fans need to get their lives in order.”

The Alabama fan base is a fractious mix of two distinct groups who can’t really stand each other.

At the top of the list is the 10-15% of the fan base that could actually be admitted to Alabama or attended the school.

This group hates most of the rest of the Alabama fan base with a passionate fury.

Right now they are reading this column and silently nodding.

The other 85% of Bama fans are incapable of coherent thought and have a deep-seated insecurity about all things in life. Alabama football comprises, and this is not an exaggeration, 99% of their self esteem.

This group of Alabama fans resents those who actually attended the school and calls them, “elitists.” (To be an “elitist” in Alabama you have to graduate high school, avoid having kids until you’re 22, and shop at Target instead of Wal-Mart. Seriously, that’s an Alabama elitist.). Auburn fans, a distinct minority in the state, are really nothing like Alabama fans. That’s because by and large Auburn fans are associated in some way with Auburn. 95% of the idiots in Alabama root for the Crimson Tide.

These fans are the ones who wear the, “Got (insert made up national title numbers here) t-shirts,” and call into Paul Finebaum’s radio show.

The irony of Nick Saban’s Alabama success is that the University of Alabama can’t even find enough smart kids to enroll at the school anymore. Over half of Bama’s entering freshman class last year came from outside the state. The real reason that Nick Saban’s so mad at the student section — lots of them don’t even care that much about Alabama football. Sure, it’s fun, but they aren’t likely to get a misspelled tattoo on their arm supporting the Crimson Tide like the majority of the fan base is.

That’s because Alabama fans think differently than most of us. That is, they think backwards.

For instance, these idiot Bama fans would rather have a genius football coach who is arrogant as hell, but they insist on electing a President that they can have a beer with.

Obama’s elitist, but Nick Saban? Hell, Nick Saban’s a football coach, he’s got more important things to do than worry about whether fans like him!

If Nick Saban was on Twitter — God this would be amazing if he Tweeted what he really thought — and he stepped in dog crap on Tuscaloosa’s campus, he could take to Twitter and Tweet, “If a thousand Alabama fans don’t show up and lick this dog shit off my shoe, I’m leaving town.”

Ten thousand of more Bama fans would immediately show up to dutifully stand in line for hours to lick the dog shit off Nick Saban’s shoe.

This is not hyperbole.

Even Nick Saban hates Alabama fans.

What’s the dumbest stereotypical Bama fan like in his element?

He’s a 38 year old grandfather and he owns fourteen shirts, thirteen of which have to do with Alabama football’s mythical national titles.

An important aspect of his life is that everyone must know that Alabama is his favorite team at every moment of his life. His truck, his trailer, his clothing, his animals, his arm, his parole papers — all of them must include a reference to his Alabama fandom.

To not do this would be unacceptable.

When he was 19 he got a 14 year old pregnant, married her, and then got another, different, 14 year old pregnant and subsequently got divorced. Then he got a third 14 year old pregnant and there was only one appropriate way to celebrate this accomplishment while simultaneously combining it with his love for Bama football.

His tailgate was his canvas.

Despite dropping out of school of his own volition at the age of 16 he blames, “the Mexicans and Mike Shula,” for everything that has gone wrong in his life for the past twenty years.

He spent the Mike Shula era in prison for passing bad checks at Mexican restaurants — at his trial he said, “I wish they’d go back to their country, but leave their burritos,” — but he still felt compelled to send Shula fan letters from prison.

Every single letter began with, “Hey looser,” and ended with “your gay.”

His proudest moment in the past fifteen years was when he was best man at his son’s shotgun wedding outside Bama’s stadium before the 2013 spring game.

He “made it classy” by convincing his son to wear a houndstooth hat.

The wedding was doubly powerful because he had conceived the same son while wearing this same Stabler jersey and having sex with the third 14 year old in a Tuscaloosa Waffle House bathroom.

The circle of Bama fan life.

One of his other sons married a tattoo parlor chick and they got their picture taken for the family Christmas card.

That son wore his awesome new Alabama swag t-shirt.

Their fifth child was a football.

Even the family dog of the “smart son” can’t escape having a favorite football team.

The “smart son” graduated from high school at the age of 20 and now lives in Birmingham where he plays in a band and “acts all uppity.”

By “acts all uppity,” they mean, “doesn’t live in a trailer.”

If y’all want to judge him, y’all can all go to hell and “kiss the rings.”

He doesn’t mean literally kiss the rings since he pawned each of his wedding rings and sold platelets to go watch the latest Alabama-Auburn game.

Roll Tide, Roll, bitches.

Home sweet home.

By the way, he just claimed another national title for this #1 dumbest fan base ranking.

He would travel to Tennessee to shake my hand in person if it wasn’t a parole violation to do so.

…

The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America:

10. The Tennessee Volunteers

9. The Dallas Cowboys

8. The West Virginia Mountaineers

7. The Oakland Raiders

6. The Pittsburgh Steelers

5. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish

4. The Arkansas Razorbacks

3. The Ohio State Buckeyes

2. The Kentucky Wildcats