Callaway has released their latest video welcoming PGA TOUR rookie Sam Burns to their payroll. I have criticized Sam Burns before through absolutely no fault of his own, simply because the media made a frenzy over his play with Tiger at the Honda Classic. I thought he was never going to amount to anything. I went as far as saying “If this kid wins a single tournament in the next two years, I will get ‘SAM BURNS’ tattooed across my toe knuckles.” I’ll have to admit: The kid can play. And he’ll absolutely win on tour. And I will absolutely not honor my bet. But the video that Callaway put out has to be addressed and I have to make fun of it. Here’s the video:

The video starts off with Sam, an LSU standout, in kind of a reverse John Peterson situation. Instead of leaving the tour to head back to the farm, Burns is leaving his humble farm life to try to make it on tour. We see Sam chucking bags of feed into his off-roading buggy and operating the $150,000 excavator. He runs to catch up to his brother driving off in the buggy, does a dainty little jump into the back, then stretches out in his jeans, boots, golf hat, and Rolex. Just a typical day on the farm in small town Ruston, Louisiana.

The video cuts back to inside his house where Sam is explaining the football roots that run deeply through the Burns men and how his mom was “heartbroken” when Sam broke it to her that he no longer wanted to play. To pull one more year of gridiron glory out of Sam, Burns’ mom told him she would build him a putting green at their house if he endures his 8th grade football season.

We cut to Sam and his brother hitting off a turf mat onto the “putting green”, which is closer to Tiger Woods’ private golf course than what most would consider an at-home putting green. Sam is dropping wedge shots onto the perfectly manicured and slightly undulating elevated green with his brother prodding Sam to give him a quick lesson. Burns goes on to give a small anecdote about how his mom would drop him off at the country club at 8:00 AM and wouldn’t pick him up until dark. Sam, of course, loved it. All of this is happening while Callaway is still desperately trying to portray the small town backdrop and unlikelihood of Burns making it to the PGA TOUR.

I feel bad for picking on Burns, and this is not a slight at him personally or at his personality. But he is the prototype for the current PGA TOUR professional. If PGA execs were to build the quintessential tour professional in a lab, Sam Burns would emerge from the Petri dish. He’s from a small, southern town. Was raised by what seems to be a very loving family. He spent his entire childhood at the country club. His Twitter bio even follows the formula:

Every @PGATOUR pro’s Twitter bio is a version of the following: “Christ follower, husband to _____, father to _____, following a little white ball, fan of alma mater college sports.” Or just “PGA Tour Player”. — Cart Path Only (@nocartsplease) July 13, 2018

Sam Burns is guaranteed to be more interesting and likeable than I am, but that’s not the point. He’s exactly the same as the rest of the tour pro’s and that is what is keeping professional golf from reaching new demographics. Burnsy, buddy, I’m sorry but it just so happened that you were the latest iteration of the PGA TOUR pro model so I am going to have to make fun of you. Can’t wait to get my toes tatted.

And just to be fair, you’re not Callaway’s first victim. This shit was 10x worse:

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