According to reports from my grocery store, it seems very likely that the average American is taking really nice solid shits now that they bought up all my Noosa yogurt this week.

After reports that my dairy aisle was completely barren, witnesses (me) noticed that not only my favorite strawberry rhubarb and blueberry flavors were missing, but even the plain was gone. Every last Noosa was taken.

It seems safe to say that America is having some nice dumps at my expense.

I know it’s a free country, but a person who doesn’t normally purchase a weekly supply of full-fat yogurt should know what a crime it is to hoard such a resource during a pandemic, preventing it from getting into the hands of those for whom it is a regular diet staple.

I just hope your big poops are worth it.

While there is no scientific way to measure the feces quality of our country in these troubling times, it is almost certain that things are moving along for those who managed to get to the store before me.

As for myself, I’ll be bloated as I try to get by on Go-Gurt.

Thanks a lot, fellow countrymen. I guess now we know the true cost of capitalism. I just hope your microbiome is great and your shits are real, real nice.