ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A simple man from our town’s sprawling Heights district has spoken of his weekend excursion to a local vineyard, telling The Advocate that he enjoyed the experience – for the most part.

Software developer and Betoota Pidgeottos Softball Club life member, Grant Hoskings, said that there’s worse ways to spend your Sunday than at a nice local lakeside winery with your better half.

Our reporter, who spent his lunch hour slack-lining and smoking bongs in the park over the road from The Advocate’s Old City District offices, ran into young Grant as he was making his own way back to his office around the same time.

“I went out to the Chateau L’Autofellatio Winery on Sunday with my Miso soup and had a pretty good time, actually,” said Grant.

“But the actual wine-tasting part was a bit much for me to keep up with. I haven’t got the most refined palate in the world but I reckon the winemaker there was taking the piss,”

“What the hell is a mulberry and why did the bloke keep asking if I could taste it? I don’t know what a mulberry even looks like? I just smiled and nodded. He knew I had no idea but he didn’t care. What’s the point in even doing it? Molly had a fun time, though. She loved it and I guess that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?”

Who is Molly, you might ask?

She’s been Grant’s partner through the pain and crippling misery of human existence for a number of years now and their joint account credit card is often used for one of his biggest vices.

The unfancy, colon-cancer-inducing classic pizzas from his local Dominos delivered to his front door.

Which is part of the reason why, says Grant, he couldn’t taste the mulberry on the weekend.

“My taste buds would be bumpier than the Bruce Highway by now. I’ve put the cash equivalent of a new Hilux down my food chimney over the past ten years. I can’t get enough,”

“The thicker the crust, the better. Call me what you want, I already know what I am.”

More to come.



