Help

It’s 11:30 a.m., and I’m in class looking at slides. I’ve had an adequate amount of sleep. I drank in moderation last night. I did everything right. How are these verb conjugations of “nosotros” not more fun for me? Look at the dude in this book: He’s driving a 1994 Camaro, and his cabello is blowing in the viento. Why is this not me? “¿Porque no me llama Fernando?”

Fernando’s girlfriend is dressed in attire that I can only assume was popular in early 1996. She has a broad smile on her face, and she’s sipping a tall glass of diet coke with ice.

I study hard. I pay my taxes. I shared my bedroom with my brother until my last year of high school. I didn’t smoke weed until I was 18. Why does Fernando’s girlfriend Marie get to have a chill time in a Camaro while I’m forced to sit here and look at that smug grin on her face? She knows I’m not going to pass this class. Dude, she knows. Screw you, Marie. I love you, Marie.

“Luis el hombre de negocios está trabajando en negocios”: “Luis the businessman is working on business.” His company definitely paid for that fancy computer. It probably came pre-loaded with Encarta and Microsoft Money. He’s closing deals with AOL, Yahoo, Radio Shack and Kmart on that thing — it’s the pinnacle of 1996 technology. Check out that power pinstripe. It makes a statement — that statement being “I am literally made of money. And when I say literally I mean literally ‘literally.’”

“¡Es una fiesta!” Easy for you to say. The last time I was at a party I drank too much Captain Morgan and fell asleep. The last time I saw balloons and streamers at a party I was about to go play laser tag. Nowadays, the pinnacle of festivity is a string of lights pathetically draped over a couch. Wait, is that Fernando in this picture? Fernando, whom are you dancing with? Fernando, what are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FERNANDO?

Marie, if you are out there — if you can read this — Fernando is not the man he seemed to be on page 137. Marie, I think you haven’t been looking in the right places. Maybe the answer is staring you right in the face. Maybe the answer is someone you would have never expected. Maybe the answer is Luis.

Written by: Parker Nevin — phnevin@ucdavis.edu