Hello internet. If you’ve come for drama you’re definitely going to find it here. This is going to be my journal and tell-all for my experiences in a christian home. And despite what they want you to think, even the calm churches are freaking *filled* with drama. My story isn’t really interesting… But I think it needs to be told. So you’re getting it whether you like it or not.

I first remember concrete doubts forming when I was around 11 years old. I remember a specific summer day, pacing up and down the sidewalk in the yard and thinking “What if my religion isn’t the right religion? I don’t have any better proof for mine over the Muslims or Buddhists. How do I know I chose the right one?” and I came to a decision. I decided that there was nothing wrong with continuing with this one since it was the one in front of me. What did I know anyway? My parents obviously were confident in this. And they loved Jesus and I loved them. So it made sense to love Jesus too.

I was constantly trying to achieve the relationship with Jesus that the people around me told me I was supposed to have. It was mostly peer pressure to be honest. I said all the right things. I said them enough that I thought I believed them. But when meeting new people I still hid my faith. I didn’t want them to know because I thought they’d think I was a freak. Which tbh I kinda was. I went goth-ish because I didn’t want to fit in with the conservative/denim skirt wearing/gun toting/jesus freak people that were around me. But always saying the right things. I did what I thought was right even though I didn’t always have a bible passage to back me up. But it worked out because it was the right thing to do.

Until everything changed. May 26th, 2017. I had a casual coffee date with the man who became my boyfriend. I was so positive that he was going to be sick of me after a few minutes. He’d been sending me flirty texts for a couple weeks but I was pretty sure I’d scare him off soon enough. I didn’t wear any makeup and I dressed conservatively and kinda just went with the flow. I thought to myself “he’s going to be scared off soon enough. Why not have some fun and enjoy it while it lasts?” But he wasn’t scared. I told him about my family. And my faith. And he laughed and said “okay that’s fine.” I told him how no boy had ever shown interest in me before. And he said “they’re all idiots because you are beautiful and I can’t believe no one has seen it before” and there it was. Our very first date and he was already challenging the way I though about myself. I assumed I was ugly because all the evidence I’d seen in my life pointed to that.

But that’s the thing about a sheltered life. Just because all the evidence you’ve seen points to something, that doesn’t mean it’s true. The thought that I wasn’t worth effort and the evidence given to me seemed to back that up. So I accepted and believed it. And while it may see like a small thing… It was the first small hole in the dam that I’d built to hold back my doubts. It was the beginning of the end of my faith. It was the beginning of me learning to love myself for who I am. And that led to me gaining the self confidence to start making my own decisions, which widened that hole in the dam until soon there was a waterfall pouring out and I was suddenly… free.

And that’s the beginning of our tale. There’s so much past to catch you up on and so much future to get to. I hope you’ll stick around to hear it.