Hey there! If you haven’t heard of Twitch Plays Pokemon, go Google it right now, get your fill of the whole experience, then come back to me. I am currently waiting for Pokemon Emerald to start with TPP, so to pump myself up whilst I wait, I decided to try out a Pokemon Randomizer for the first time ever. In the true spirit of TPP, all the Pokemon will be named randomly (I will be closing my eyes and randomly pushing buttons until a name is chosen). You can also help participate in this game with me by helping make sense of the names I come up with and telling me what to do (like catching Pokemon and whatnot). It’ll all make sense eventually, you’ll get the hang of it.

Ok! So, I skipped over the introduction, because we all know how that goes. I chose the girl to play as and named her Saphire (because that’s all the space I had for a name). Let’s get on with it, shall we?

We begin our story with Prof. Birch running away in terror from what appears to be a Zigzagoon. He screams at Saphire, telling her to grab one of the Pokemon from his bag. Let’s see what he has!

Birch has an Eevee…

…a Gloom…

…and a Spearow.

I pick the Eevee with the hopes of eventually transforming it into a Flareon/Jolteon/Vaporeon. The randomizer I am using has an option that said something like ‘able to buy scales and stones’, which I interpreted to mean I would be able to purchase water/fire/thunderstones later on.

Eevee and I run up to Birch with the intent of saving him from a harmless little Zigzagoon only to discover he is actually being terrorized by a–

–Blaziken. I find it more amusing to imagine this giant beast running after Birch than a raccoon.

We learn Eevee is a male and has three moves.

On a sidenote, it has been YEARS since I have played Emerald and I have forgotten almost everything about it, including towns, events, and moves. The first gen was always my favorite and the ones afterwards never impressed me quite as much as a child, so the third gen was one I didn’t play very often.

To me, Ingrain and Covet might as well be written in a different language. I have no freaking clue what they’re supposed to do.

I choose to test the fates and ask Eevee to do Ingrain. A bunch of roots emerge from his fur and nothing happens. I am anticipating this move will heal or something.

Blaziken tries to teach us the importance of recycling, but his attempts falls on deaf ears, as it fails to affect us.

Let’s try out Covet.

Eevee does a little alluring wiggle and gives Blaziken a wink. Blaziken gets injured. I realize this is the only offensive move Eevee has… and it’s some type of mating dance.

Blaziken doesn’t do anything except talk to us about recycling. Maybe he was only chasing Birch in order to spread the word of keeping our planet clean?

Eevee covets him into submission. Blaziken has no choice but to lecture elsewhere, as we aren’t interested in saving the ecosystem.

Birch, thankful he was rescued from the speeches of the bird of the forest, decides to give Saphire the Eevee permanently and suggests she name it.

This is the wonderful name I selected by closing my eyes and banging against the keyboard a few times. MDDW. I don’t know what to make of that. Any suggestions?

Birch says we should meet his kid. I tell him I already did and that he was a total dick. Birch blows off my comment and insists I go find him anyway.

Here we have more information about MDDW. I completely agree with the Sassy nature thing, since, you know, Covet and whatnot.

Stats.

I tried to sell MDDW’s held item at the first PokeMart I ran into (because I have no clue what the hell a ????????? is) and the cashier said he couldn’t buy it. Fine. Whatever.

Dick.

MDDW and I go check out the wild Pokemon running around. We find a Staryu first, then run into the following:

Aerodactyl, Larvitar, Onix, Seel, Goldeen, Whismur, Drowzee, and Lileep.

An… interesting… first batch of wild Pokemon.

MDDW and I fight some wilds, level up, then go down to a Larvitar who knows Cross Chop.

Damn. Haven’t even fought the rival yet and I’ve already whited out.

I make MDDW a vow to never let a white out happen again. He foolishly believes me and continues to fight until he levels up to 7. I decide we are ready for our first rival match and go seek out Birch’s son.

What Pokemon did Brendan pick as his starter??

Aww, you fucker. Started off with an Eevee evolution. Raising an Eeveelution was gonna be my thing.

Vaporeon starts to kick our asses with Thrash. MDDW uses that grass move thing and luckily, just as I had hoped, it proceeds to heal him after every turn.

I think I’m going to like having Ingrain.

Dance dance dance…

Not even Vaporeon can resist the charming MDDW. He goes down after a few Covets, probably unable to handle the irresistible sassy attitude Eevee possesses.

MDDW levels up after the win and learns Brick Break.

Yay! Another offensive move!

With Brendan taken care of, we rob him of his cash, steal the PokeBalls he had just purchased, and then add one more to our collection at the Mart. MDDW can’t be on his own forever, after all, he’s going to need some friends!

We grind a little bit by punching Igglybuffs in the face.

Check it, Petalburg City! Let’s go see Saphire’s dad.

In the middle of her happy family reunion, this dweeb named Wally barges into the gym and interrupts, whining that he wants to go catch a Pokemon.

I’ve always really hated Wally.

Wally borrows Saphire’s dad’s Lombre and runs out to catch the first Pokemon he runs into…

…which happens to be this menacing Machamp who can make it hail just by pumping his fists into the air a few times. I beg Saphire to knock out Wally before he has a chance to use a PokeBall, as I don’t like the idea of having to fight a Machamp over and over in the future.

Wally stupidly jumps forward and gets pelted by the hail. It doesn’t stop him from throwing a ball, though, and Wally nabs his first Pokemon.

Yipee.

With that debacle over with, Saphire tries to leave town only to get stopped by this weirdo. He initially thinks she is a trainer but then retracts his statement because her clothes aren’t dirty enough.

I… I think I’m offended…

MDDW and Saphire take on some trainers and MDDW grows to level 12.

Getting cocky, we challenge this guy…

…and immediately regret our decision.

It becomes apparent very quickly that we can’t beat this guy without a different Pokemon, or a different moveset. Haunter uses Dragon Claw and Howl to slowly bring MDDW to his knees…

Haunter confuses MDDW (I forget how, I didn’t screencap it) and MDDW decides the only way to win is to hit himself in the face. He takes himself out, and we are sent back to the PokeCenter.

Aaaaand here we are, waiting outside of the PC in Petalburg City for our next move. MDDW and I are unsure what to do next…

…so this is where you come in, helpful readers!

Here is a little poll you can take to help us out. What should we do now?

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What’s Our Next Step??

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