Ah yes, St. Paddy’s Day has arrived. A day of Irish reconciliation in America where, for a day, everyone has at least one drop of Irish blood alcohol level , thus qualifying them to drink liberally and slur their best Irish accents among their 1/32nd Irish friends. For the record: I’m half Irish, but I’m not entirely sure which half – the bottom or top half. Although I inherited a number of Irish traits from my father’s side (green eyes, reddish hair, and a soft spot for Bono), I did not inherit his Irish taste buds. I cannot stand Irish cuisine and feel blessed my grandfather immigrated to America, where he drank himself, probably to kill the taste of corned beef and cabbage, to an untimely death.

I plan on celebrating by wearing green all day, not because I need to profess or celebrate my Irish heritage, rather so nobody pinches me. Moreover, to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year, I thought I would serve up some tasty limericks as either appetizers or chasers for those of you who plan on indulging in Ireland’s favorite pastime: Guinness green beer.

(Note: To fully appreciate these limericks, it’s recommended that you read them aloud in private, using your best Irish accent, before you start knocking down the beers in a public pub.)

There’s No Place Like Ireland on St. Paddy’s Day in America

St, Paddy’s Day rolls ‘round but once a year

As Americans quest for green beer,

Pour on thick accents,

Spew yarns of nonsense,

And long for a home they’ve never been near.

Just Say No to Me Lucky Charms

There once was a leprechaun named Lucky

Who hooked kids on marshmallows quite sticky.

When they need a fix.

They must turn a trick;

For Lucky’s charms are magically tasty.

Saint Patrick’s Snakes on a Plane

There once was a saint named Patrick

Who chased off Ireland’s snakes with a stick.

They boarded a plane,

Drove the crew insane —

Inspiring this muthufuckin’ snakes on a plane lim’rick.

Saint Patricia’s Night at the Roxbury

There once was a lassie from Listerine

Who dipped her whole body in green.

She drank herself blind,

Nearly drowned her mind

And awoke to a leprechaun drag queen.