Recently I was speaking to a leader and discussing her feedback style. She was highly self-critical as she was reflecting on the same, as she had been getting into too many conflict situations involving her feedback being rejected. As we spoke we went over a few instances and she replayed the mental video tape of those.

While listening I noted that she used expressions like “you were rude”, “what’s wrong with you”, “you need be show more technical depth”, “you never talk on calls”, “You have been a poor role model of being punctual to meetings” etc.… to surface all that was wrong. What followed these expressions were a bunch of refutations or negations, from the other end, as the recipients expressed their vehement disagreements. Majority of these conversations weren’t leading to any constructive result and ended up adding to the increasingly deteriorating team dynamics and diminishing leadership credibility woes.

Present state:

As we sat reflecting over this situation at hand, I scribbled a diagram (being the visual person I am) on the board to depict the mental model of the conversation.





The diagram showed that the information flow was between A (feedback giver) to B (recipient), with A identifying B as the issue – the overt use of the term “you” (with a finger firmly pointing at B) in the above statements. While from A’s Point of view, she has expressed her displeasure clearly, from B’s point of view, what's coming is a barrage of personal attacks. And true to human psyche when there's an attack there needs to be a defense. Thus, the refutations and negations.

Couple of things happen here:

This mental model, certainly doesn’t create a safe climate of reflecting over a developmental opportunity and operates on the foundation of A trying to let their steam off on B (B is the issue). Backward focused, almost with the objective of putting the blame on the table and circling around that

Proposed Future state:

As we discussed more on how we can approach it differently and make the environment safe, I made a slight change to the above diagram by adding a third circle C.





The diagram shows a third circle – the Issue. So in this state both A and B stand together on one side of the table and look at the issue with the same lens. So instead of a statement like “You have been a poor role model of being punctual…” it may sound like “last 4 meetings/calls there was a delay in your joining in. What's causing it? How can we ensure you are there on time?”.

Few things happen here:

This mental model clearly operates on the principle of a safe environment and respect – nothing wrong with B, however there is a situation at hand which needs attention (Issue) Forward looking – putting the issue on the table and figuring out a solution to overcome the same The high respect allows both individuals to listen more, thereby resulting in a constructive confrontation

Majority of the feedback that happens, isn’t one as there isn’t anything being fed. Most of the time the “giver” ends up expressing their dissatisfaction or anger (thinking they are delivering a feedback). A slight shift in the mental model and preparing the right language that separates issue from the person, can go a long way in boosting an inspiring culture of learning, listening and being respectful.

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Sheel Majumdar, leads HR at Microsoft Philippines