Chinese families are part of an everlasting spiral. Even before a child is born, there are expectations of the family unit by co-workers, friends, family, and society.

Marriage is inevitable and children preordained. Something is seriously wrong with you if you aren’t going to get married and procreate, and your family will make you visit at least one herbalist and one fortune teller should it come to that. After all, the gods didn’t give you a penis and/or vagina so you could enjoy yourself. These are tools for breeding and you better use them for that purpose.

You must make babies. It’s a minor subroutine to the great program of taking over America, and thus the world.

Once a child is identified as a coming reality, there is expectedly great rejoicing. College funds are started, rooms are painted and repainted, red eggs are exchanged, and prayers by the couple’s parents that it’s a boy are prayed.

A very distinct yet subtle choice is also made at the pregnancy stage. But it’s also the most important choice the parents can make for the child. It will define the child’s life, his status in the world, and dreams for all future generations.

The choice: Will the baby grow up to be an engineer, doctor, lawyer, or businessman?

Engineers

A family who strives to have their son become an engineer is usually populated with engineers themselves. An engineer family is somewhat the lowest of the desired classes. They don’t have very good social skills, can’t be bothered with “the good things in life,” and their chances of mating to procreate future generations are low.

However, they are very handy around the house, if not to fix things, then at least to criticize them to be better.

Because of the tunnel-vision training involved to become an engineer, they’re basically locked into this class. It is likely they’ll only interact with other engineers and therefore marry into another engineering family or be relegated to an offshore marriage acquisition with someone’s cousin from a communist country.

Occasionally, the engineer might try to enter the businessman’s class. This can be either very humorous or very sad, as a businessman without social graces is an ugly sight to behold.

Here’s a breakdown of engineer classes, from most prestigious to most lowly and humble. It’s important to note that recording studio engineers and locomotive engineers are not actually engineers, unless they can somehow regenerate dilithium crystals for extended warp duties and maintain shield strength:

Software —Sit at computer all day wearing flip-flops making up imaginary products for a high paycheck, frowning a lot

—Sit at computer all day wearing flip-flops making up imaginary products for a high paycheck, frowning a lot Electrical —Sit on a bench all day looking at wavy patterns on the oscilloscope, frowning a lot

—Sit on a bench all day looking at wavy patterns on the oscilloscope, frowning a lot Mechanical —Sit at a computer (while frowning) all day drawing threads on screws and dotted lines to where the middle of the screw is so the big-fingered Real-American machinist can make it

—Sit at a computer (while frowning) all day drawing threads on screws and dotted lines to where the middle of the screw is so the big-fingered Real-American machinist can make it Material —Sit on a bench all day looking at molecules, frowning a lot

—Sit on a bench all day looking at molecules, frowning a lot Civil—Stand outside all day counting cars in a yellow and orange raincoat, frowning a lot

Doctors

A family of doctors or one that rears doctors is a definite cut above the engineer. The money a doctor can make is extraordinary and this bodes well for future generations.

I say future generations because most doctors don’t have the time to enjoy their wealth. But the sheer ability to accumulate wealth is key. Not to mention, having a doctor in the family means parents and family don’t have to visit another doctor–no stranger poking around and telling them what to do.

They’ll have their son there instead and he won’t dare tell them what to do, so he’ll be forced to give them what they really want just to shut them up: drugs. Somewhere between doctor and engineer, of course, are “dentist” and “scientist.” The money there isn’t so bad, either, unless the word “research” modifies their occupational description.

Lawyers

The next level is lawyer. This is tricky for many families because of their inherent distrust of everyone, but especially lawyers.

But the ability for the lawyer to make an obscene amount of money for virtually doing nothing more than talking and lying is one of the most highly respected, often misunderstood abilities in Chinese culture. Strangely, artists and writers don’t get the same respect, but this has more to do with the guarantee of cash.

Being a lawyer has some major drawbacks however in that their child becomes an asshole. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still proud of their son and are perfectly willing to accept bought love and respect at premium prices, but he’s still an asshole.

Businessman

Where Chinese families never seem to go wrong is if their son grows up to be a businessman. Of all the professions, business exemplifies all the great traits of being Chinese: strategy, greed, and a look of innocence.

This can be anywhere in the business and financial fields such as accounting, management, and stocks. The closer you are to making the money or touching the money, the better off you’re going to be.

Being a businessman also means the opportunity to travel and make trips back to Taiwan, Hong Kong, or China to visit relatives, bring back much needed supplies such as pirated media, and learn more about their heritage. It’s a chance to talk to everyone in America about how great your last trip was and how amazed you are at the progress of the homeland.

A businessman can also pay for meals for the entire family and write it off. Businessmen also have the opportunity to achieve great respect and fame, more than any doctor or lawyer or engineer, and if they get to that point, they can be a superstar and even more endearing and important than Derek Jeter, though that’s not saying a lot.

It should be noted that marketing is not considered “business,” but something more like art; you know, a money-sucking abyss with little tangible purpose other than pretentious touting and fancy showmanship.

The Unthinkable

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What if it’s a girl? Ha-ha! That’s just negative thinking.

But should the unreasonable occur and a family spawns a girl, the choices are few, but very important to the continued sanctity of Chinese life.

She can be one of the following: wife/mother, factory worker, or old maid who takes care of parents when they get too old to pee. Of course, her life could and most likely will encompass a combination of these at any given moment.

One Last Option

A question often arises: can a family have sons in different classes? Absolutely.

In fact, you become even more respected by the community if you do. Chinese families love to compare themselves to everyone. It goes back to that wonderful feeling of superiority and righteousness.

Having the flexibility of being in multiple classes diversifies your superiority into many areas. So by all means, spread your sons over several classes.

Of course, this could lead to hierarchy issues in the family. For example, if the oldest son is in a lower class than the youngest, he better be the best damn engineer in that zip code, and be looking at starting his own business.