I might be in the minority, but I don’t want my next president fighting over guest appearances in a sketch on SNL. Or wondering if they played the better straight man to Zach Galifianakis than their opponent did to Jimmy Fallon.

Call me old-fashioned, but I certainly don’t give a shit if the leader of my country could win Last Comic Standing. Call me INSANE, but I don’t believe you have to “entertain” me to be likeable.

You know how you can prove you are likable? Don’t be an asshole.

And last time I checked, those of us voting for the president are presumably responsible adults capable of making decisions and holding ourselves and others accountable. (That might be a stretch and a little naïve of me, but go with it.)

Big. Breath.

Stop asking the FEDERAL government to fix everything for you. Shouldn’t we expect more from ourselves and from our good ol’ U.S. of A. corporations?

As business owners, is it too much to ask that we be good corporate citizens? Stop looking for loopholes. Start making environmentally conscious decisions. Not because someone is going to slap us on the wrist, but because IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

As consumers and shareholders, the action is easy. STOP GIVING THESE FUCKERS YOUR MONEY!

And guess what else you can do as a voter? Participate in STATE and LOCAL politics where decisions can be made in the best interest of your smaller community instead of asking for a one-size-fits-all approach. The US is too large and too populated to believe that a Federal government can meet the needs of our diverse constituency.

Of course you can point to socialist-like successes in Europe and Canada. But it’s not comparable.

Free healthcare and college education and parental leave sound awesome, but guess what? It’s not fucking free. It’s called taxation! You know what happens when you have to pay for everyone else to get an advanced education? You have to ask for help to pay for YOUR OWN KIDS’ advanced education.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be philanthropists or that helping those less fortunate is for suckers. What I’m saying is, demand more from EVERYONE around you. Get involved!

Do we need a US Department of Education? No, we do not. Because K-12 education is a STATE responsibility. Who knows better what the children in your community need than you? Where do you hold the most power? In your very own state and local legislature. Not behind some dude on Capitol Hill.

And one last thing. If you think the supernatural being in charge of whether you get to spend your afterlife in a white choir robe with a blinged-out halo or listening to Kenny G covering Metallica while being repeatedly stabbed in the thigh with a fork is going to consult with all the former Presidents, Congressmen and Supreme Court Justices on the exact definition of morality, you may need to re-think your religious affiliation.

If you find abortion or same-sex marriage morally reprehensible, here is my advice. Don’t do it. Meanwhile, shut your pie hole, Judgey McJudgerson. It’s not your call. And it is certainly not the government’s call. Take it to your church. Last I checked, it is separate from your “state.”