I: I have been doing some research on Asian citizenship. And it seems I might have missed the boat on this one. It is true that matrileneal citizenship is provided for foreigners. Having an Asian mom is enough to become a citizen. But this only applies for minors. As an adult I’m in the same boat as the white expats who whine on their forums about how despite residing in Asia for 20 years, and having an Asian wife and kids, he still can’t become a citizen. I would be in the same position as a white expat. Its not to say that its impossible, but my Asian mom would provide no advantage to me. Which is a good metaphor for my whole life. She has been no more able to give me a passport to Asia, than my dad has been able to give me white privilege.

U: Aren’t you always looking for excuses to dismiss solutions? If the basic facts of yesterday still stand, you can still get a work visa, and occasionally come back home. If Asia, really does offer an escape from American problems, then you should take it.

I: Becoming an expat ESL teacher would be the epitomie of what I hate. The very fact that WMAF propagandists see dumping their kids in Asia, as the solution to their problems, is proof that its a bad idea.

U: There is nothing wrong with Asians teaching other Asians, the English language. Its true that ESL has become the definition of WMAF. But if you could be the sole English teacher, in an area without foreigners, you would be granted what you wished.

I: Yeah, to the extent thats possible. If I would have to work in some ESL institution with white expats, that would be far worse than USA. And we have a test case right on this blog. A Eurasian who went back to Asia, because he was sick of life in American culture. And he is on the brink of suicide. Its hard to see his path as a model solution. I don’t think this American problem is going to be solved in Asia.

U: Last night you were inclined to this option, what has changed?

I: Specifically the idea was that I could steal the life of my unborn imaginary AMAF half-bro. I was envious of his life in Asia as a pure Asian male in the Confucian hive. And I romanticized and glamorized his life so much, that the question arose, why not steal it? Sure as a Eurasian emigre, I would never truly have a racial home. But to the extent that I could approach the ordinary life of an Asian born in Asia, perhaps I could forget the nightmare of being a Hapa American. It works very well for Hapa girls looking to escape their creep white dads. But as usual, the road is far harder for the Hapa male. If citizenship was as simple as being my Mom’s son. At least that hurdle would be passed. But as a mere foreign devil, I would be oceans apart from Asian normality.

U: You can still make a trip to Asia, try to find work, and give it a chance. A recon mission as you put it. Perhaps it turns out to be a mirage or a hell. But suicide will be waiting for you when you get back. You don’t owe your readers a rational explanation for suicide. Its clear that no matter what efforts you make, and what data you present, most will consider suicide always wrong for all people under all circumstances. These people are useless to convince. If you waste a few more months, and are wrong, you can still die. Psychologists have shown that most suicides don’t occur at the blackest depths of depression, for then one is paralyzed with apathy. It is only when recovery begins, that one actually has the energy to execute a suicide. In that sense, coming out of your despair, might be the first step to ending your life. Perhaps life is hell. What is an extra few months of recon, just to be absolutely sure?

I: I’m not going to be tricked into living forever.

U: You would still be dead by the end of the year.

I: Months becomes years, then its too late.

U: If things become that desperate, and your WMAF parents selfishly refuse to support you. Then even alive, you can become a public spokesman against them. You can speak out at public events about the hellishness of being a Eurasian son. If it comes to the point, in which you are impoverished and can’t escape the cage of life. Then you can become a public Hapa activist. There would be no reason, not to show your Hapa face at that point. If it comes to that worst case scenario. But theres no reason, you can’t visit Asia, and still be dead within a year, if thats what you desire.

I: Asia does not have the obligation nor the ability to be the solution to WMAF sons.

U: It may or may not be realizable. But if you find a job in Asia, in which you can avoid all foreigners, than at least the racial aspect of your case can be erased. And clearly that is a big part of it.

I: Coming back to this blog has been a big distraction. I can’t focus when these SEL issues dominate me.

U: Its better not to hide from your issues, but to talk your way through them. Face them head on. Thats what you did in 2011, and it bought you peace for a year.

I: I don’t think Hapa issues, will ever be resolved until I stop being Hapa.

U: Perhaps the lead up to the trip to Asia, is more important than the trip itself. Give America one last chance, in the spirit of 2010, before leaving her shores forever. At the risk of sounding grandiose, take on the entire Asian identity, like Jesus absorbing the sins of all humanity. You are the only Asian in the world. And those insults are not directed at a group called Asian. But you personally- Mr.Hapa. You can take it. What if all those Asian slurs, are just personal insults for Mr.Hapa? Are they not deserved? If Mr.Hapa was a man, he would have suicided 1000 times by now. Can you claim that you deserve anything better?

I: People are cruel apes, but anything beats the internet.

U: You jumped out of the pan of meatspace into the hellish flames of cyberspace. Reading online, is the worst possible place to escape the evils of human nature.

I: If I were guaranteed permanent isolation from apes, I wouldn’t need to think about them.

U: Thats just an excuse. If you avoid human contact, there is no reason to even think of Hapa issues. This is self-torture. You can’t even blame the trolls as they are just tools you use to scourge yourself with. Don’t blame your instrument of torture, blame yourself for using it against yourself. You have fed the wolf of negativity, a mountain of raw flesh.

I: Get back out there into American life, then give Asia a chance.

U: And if it doesn’t work out, which is admittedly quite likely, you can die secure in the fact that you did everything possible to live this Hapa life. But you were just dealt too bad a hand. Since, childhood you have tried everything you possible can, to make the most out of this Hapa life. And if its just true, that you are predestined to fail. There is no shame in abandoning the capsule of your body at that moment. One last effort. The last full measure of your devotion.

I: And then eternal, peaceful, dreamless sleep. I’m so tired of life. It would be nice to slumber and never wake up. To have never been born Hapa.

U: It might well be, that a Hapa life is just unlivable, and theres nothing anyone can do with it. You tried your best. You didn’t sit on your hands. You showed energy and drive in trying to turn the tide. To the best of your ability, which was admittedly scant.

I: More and more, I fall into biological determinism. And just believe there is no use for WMAF genes. And we can add in nurture to, such as WMAF upbringing, and US reaction to Asians. Genes or environment, they equally predestine me to failure.

U: Oriental Fatalism.

I: Or naive Tiger Mom, blank slatism, believing children can be shaped like clay, by hard Confucian pounding. Whites are the ones who just accept their kids are bad at math. Asians are the ones who drill it in. So sure you can call it Oriental fatalism. Or its the Western fatal flaw. All the drilling in the world, can’t take the Hapa out of the Eurasian.

U: Whats next for you?

I: I might give consideration to the proposal to give life one last chance. But of course if it is undertaken under a spirit of pessimism its already doomed to fail. And yet how do I fake energy for a cause I don’t believe in?

U: You reason out the precise reasons you don’t believe in it.

I: I’m tired and exhausted with life in America. Although admittedly the web is so brutal, I actually miss flesh and blood Americans. Perhaps that one of the biggest pushes outside of the basement. If I’m going to spend all day online reading anti-Hapa hate, I might as well face real life Americans. Its at the point, where I can say nothing is worse than this. I lack faith in Asia, for the reasons I’ve mentioned. This isn’t the 1st time the Asian solution has been mentioned. And these same doubts were raised before.

U: Can you give this just a few months of commitment? To America and Asia. And if the end result is your funeral, so be it.

I: And why is my life so precious, that we have to make all this effort to save it?

U: You had a little fun in 2011.

I: And so what good is breaking my neck to recapture it? The high will only last a month. And then I’m faced again with this hellish reality. But my suicide, is delayed yet again, because its hard to abandon life full of false hope, with the glow of recent joys.

U: Then you admit life can be joyful?

I: For any normal person, what I describe as ‘joy’ would be awkward and humiliating. The worst social failures of their lives. It says something that this is the happiness I cling to. Not one of these moments would be worth living for anyone but me.

U: They only have to mean something to you.

I: If I could only stop being Eurasian for a moment, that would be my happiness.

U: Its not too late. You were ready to die in 2013. Its clear you needed a break then, even if the crisis was forced on you, but your ignorant WMAF parents. They just can’t see that a Eurasian son, will never live a normal human life. You needed a cooling off period for 2013. And you had to cool your heels in 2014 too.

I: I don’t think that all progress has to be in actions. The activity of the mind is valuable too. And I think I had many thoughts through these years. Although I don’t think I’m any closer to solving anything.

U: Even sinking to see just how low things can get is progress. To know you are the lowest of the low, worst of the worst. There is liberation in that.

I: Its true this blog hasn’t been as focused on Eurasian issues as in 2011. In a way because I said it all back then. It really shouldn’t be mystery of why a WMAF son would be unhappy with his situation. And there are others doing a very good sociological analysis of the sexual situation of Eurasian men. With those facts already presented, now we have to decide how does a Hapa man live with all that? What kind of life can he live? And can he live it? But the problem of being accepted no where in the world, neither in Asia or in USA, is indeed a uniquely Eurasian issue. Not belonging in East or West, is what it means to be Hapa.

U: Whats your final decision?

I: I’m not sure. I need more facts on what exactly my situation will be in Asia. I will talk to my mom about the details. As for coming out of retirement in America? IDK. To be honest, one of the main reasons would be to escape this blog. I’m running back into the reality, to escape the hell of blogging.

U: The important thing is you commit all one way or the other. Half-measures are worse than worthless in these times.

I: In high school, I said I didn’t want to commit suicide, because I wanted to stay in the game to see where it was all going. Now I have a much better idea of where its all flowing. And things have gotten consistently worse since then. Now I have very little desire to stay in the game of life, to wait for another spin of the dice. I don’t have to prove to myself that my suicide is 100% justified. Maybe I die with a winning lottery ticket in my pocket. Doesn’t mean I will be around to regret my decision. I would die happy, knowing I had left a horrible life. And its not like money would solve the problems I’m dealing with. If I were a millionaire, all I could buy is isolation.

U: Come out of retirement for a few months. Visit Asia. Then discard of you life as you see fit.

I: This is just a delaying tactic!

U: You have delayed for years sitting on your hands. Now delay for months, with a little bit of activity.

I: I don’t see what mysteries this will solve. I seriously doubt I will recapture 2011. I will only defile her memory. But I had 2012, and it only brought me to suicide. Even if I had all those sweet moments all over again, I would still be left again with the necessity of death. I’ve already seen how this movie ends.

U: And what if Eurasian issues never come up in the USA? Will you say that the internet proves they are all faking? Pretend you can read their minds, and sense their subconcious hatred of Eurasians?

I: And if there is open hatred?

U: Then you will have your proof.

I: If I already know life is hell, I don’t need to have my flesh scorched, just to prove it. The point of this, was that it was a prelude to my escape to Asia. But Asia is not going to be a deus ex machina for Hapa problems.

U: Can’t you just choose to have faith to believe this will work out?

I: Its hard for me to force optimism at this point in my life.

U: The optimism that anything at all is better than being a Hapa blogger.

I: The fake optimism of the fact, came from the lie that I could surrender and integrate into US culture. With racialization, that is impossible.

U: It defends how you define integrate. In 2010 the plan was to integrate as a slave. If you forget the tribe, and only remember Mr.Hapa, then theres no reason you can’t. Forget that other Asians exist. Whatever insults there are, they are meant for you personally as Mr.Hapa. You already take all anti-asian insults highly personally. So it shouldn’t be any great leap from there to Mr.Hapa being the only Asian man in the world.

I: And then I can rest?

U: No one would deny it to you at that point.

I: Society would.

U: We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I: And what is the expected payoff for this investment?

U: Escape from the Hapa blogosphere, which should be good enough a reason for you.

I: Internet Hapa discussion is true torture. And that is the one thing that propels me back to real life. It can’t be worse than this. There is more WMAF here, than I’ve ever encountered in my life.

U: Hiding from your enemies in a self-built torture chamber.

I: I fear that running away from America, to be an ESL teacher in Asia, will also be precisely that. Hiding in a torture chamber.

U: The term triggers you. But theres nothing wrong with Asians teaching other Asians.

I: Asians seem to think so. It is well-known that Asians discriminate against Asian-American english teachers.

U: Perhaps your Half-White privilege will come through for you on that count.

I: It seems there is more hope in America than in Asia now. But what can I really hope to achieve here? What is the best case scenario? Lets just say it. If this is a continuation of 2011, then what I’m hoping for must be…well… a white girlfriend. There I said it. Thats what I really mean right? And clearly that is a totally impossibility. So I’d be wasting my time here. Teasing and tormenting myself. Thats the big deal right? Awkward flirting with white girls. So recapturing and surpassing that, would mean dating them. If thats what this is about. Then its a total waste of time.

U: It doesn’t have to be about that. You just need to get your head out of Hapa issues.

I: In America 1st, then Asia. We know what I’m seeking in Asia. But its true, I’m more excited about America. But what exactly am I hoping to achieve here? Its clear I have no future here. What miracle can save me? What is the goal?

U: To not think about Hapa issues.

I: Ok I spend a few months, not thinking about Hapas, and then I’m back to square one. Unless I go to Asia, and that works out. But then that begs the question of what I’m trying to achieve here in USA. Unless its just a pep rally to perk me up.

U: It is partially that.

I: But I think theres a hope that somehow things can work out in USA. Yes to the point of making Asian redundant.

U: Perhaps that says something about yourself. You really don’t want to be Asian. And at the suggestion of becoming a full Asian-Asian, your 1st response is to try to save America. Perhaps thats whats needed to get you active in USA again, the threat of deportation.

I: IDK WTF I want. Its clear that nothing can work out here. And an Asian rescue appears to be a mirage. Yeah, I do feel like I’m back at square one.

U: Just commit to the noble lie, even if it isn’t going to work out. When its all over, you’ll have done something with these few months. And you might not even be alive anymore. Anyway perhaps it will kick the lethargy, that is the main factor keeping you alive. Inertia. You’re an object at rest. Give you a push, and maybe you’ll roll off the table.

I: Believe the lie?

U: Just give this project, what it asks for. And then your life is yours. And maybe you do need to be lifted up a little, so you even have the energy to destroy yourself.

I: I need a clearer idea, on what exactly the plan is for Asia, and how that matches up with reality. Then we can also add in the USA component, but I don’t know what exactly thats supposed to accomplish. A goodbye kiss.

U: It wont work if you have an uncommited negative attitude. Look it doesn’t have to be grand. Lets just say that the Hapa Web is so bad, that you need some real life, just to escape that.

I: If the Hapa issues are real issues, closing my eyes to them for a few months, wont solve crap.

U: Thats why we have the Asia trip at the end of the road.

I: I’m going in circles here. I will have to see, what exactly my plans for Asia are, and whether its possible. Maybe it really is the solution. If it really is all about American racism. And in Asia, I never have to see a white. Then at least that much of my problems is genuinely solved. Even if I’m not a citizen and I’m on a work visa. The specifics I’m not sure about, but if this is genuinely a chance to live without racism, then maybe that is the only thing holding me back. Maybe if I never have to face white people and their contempt for me, I’ll be happy. If this is all about whites hating Asians. And I never have to see a white again. Problem solved right?