WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

Big Four Bank Westpac has today brought its shareholders in to discuss the fact they should probably stop facilitating child exploitation and terrorism.

Hosting it’s annual AGM, the Chairman of the Bank said the executives were very sorry for breaching anti-money laundering and counter-terrorism laws on 23 million occasions and have humbly decided not to award themselves some of their short terms bonuses.

“We are also going to take a 20% pay cut for the year for allowing this massive fuck up to happen,” explained the Chairman seemingly unaware that people usually get fired when they get caught doing criminal activities.

That was met with shouting from the audience, who were particularly unhappy that Westpac continued the criminal behaviour after being previously warned by the financial regulator AUSTRAC.

“Look I think it’s pretty clear that we understand how serious this is, and how bad we feel. Some of those bonuses are huge, and we are forgoing them on a one-off basis with no real ramifications for our actions,” said the Chairman.

“So, let’s not dwell on that any further, the question now is, do we put financial interest aside and make an effort to comply with the law and stop financing terrorists and paedophiles?”

“Because obviously it’s cheaper not to comply, but we probably should hey?” asked the Chairman.

“Do you think if we stop it from happening and do the job properly we can double our bonuses next year?”