I can’t think of a better time to be in America. Although it wasn’t the outcome I thought was the best way forward, the reality of President-elect Trump is endlessly fascinating.

During the president-elect’s acceptance speech, I noticed a difference in his tone and delivery. I don’t think it was exhaustion or the adrenaline that was no doubt coursing through his veins after being elected to the country’s highest office. Nor do I think it was surprise, even though every poll seemed to have gotten it wrong. I think it had just hit the president-to-be what a massive chunk of meat he had torn off.

It was as if he had been punched in the solar plexus and rushed to the podium immediately afterward. Rather than elated or confident, he seemed stunned. This is understandable. I don’t think he counted on getting this far and am not convinced he really wants the job.

This state of awe, almost rendering the man paralytic and heavy-lidded, was even more prominently on display when he made the rounds to his future office to talk to the outgoing President Obama. Trump told the press that he thought the meeting with the president would last only 10 or 15 minutes, but it actually went much longer. The look on Obama’s face, one of civility being pulled by its ear through a keyhole, was almost agonizing.

Later that day, when he was sitting next to Paul Ryan, Trump was the paunchy neophyte in the room, a billboard for “not a fucking clue.” Trump had better prepare himself for nothing taking 10 or 15 minutes for the next few years.

These are only some of the signs of Trump’s unraveling. His petulant tweet, complaining like a child about the protesters who took to the streets in reaction to his win, was another glimpse of how unaware he is of the magnitude of the job that less than half of the participating electorate sent him to do.

As always, I read posts underneath articles to see where people are at. After the election, I saw a lot of “suck it up” sentiments. The term “butthurt” and the phrase “Need a tissue, bro?” were used frequently. I think these are just fantastic.

As the Electoral College tally was coming in, I thought of Mitt Romney and wondered what he was thinking, watching Trump win. There had to have been moments of stunned disbelief as he tentatively stuck the tines of a silver fork into his foie gras and said aloud, “Golly. I mean gosh. What the fuck?!” Butthurt.

Donald Trump told his foaming fans at one rally after another that he would “repeal and replace Obamacare.” He also said that he would build a wall on America’s southern border and that Mexico would pay for it. He repeated until he was orange in the face that he would deport or arrest up to 11 million undocumented immigrants via a “deportation force.” These were some of the “yuger” arrows in his campaign quiver. Only days after winning the election, “repeal and replace” was repealed and replaced by an openness to “amend” the Affordable Care Act. The wall was walked back to fence and 11 million became 3 million.

Word to Trump supporters: Your hero went from grabbing pussies to being one. Oh, the butthurt.

Then there is the Electoral College and the popular vote. The former, steeped in antiquity, elitism and, at this point, convenience, probably would stick bigly in the craw of many Trump supporters if they understood why it was put into place and if Trump had experienced the opposite outcome by winning the general and losing the electoral. The hard truth for the president-elect’s millions of fans is that he got fewer votes than Hillary Clinton. That is to say — he lost.

You need to check your jeans, partner. You’re spotting. Big-time butthurt.

If America loses its casual

You know how Trump said all manner of jobs will be coming back to the States because he’s going to ease taxes on all those corporations, which will beat the fastest path back because they really want all those good citizens of the Republic to have those jobs? Did you believe him? What would any of these behemoths want with American workers when they can pay other humans a fraction of what an American needs to get by? They have stockholders to satisfy and the demands of Amazon.com to supply. Your love of convenience and low prices sent the jobs away. If you paid an American to make your cellphone, only rich people like Trump and Fox News personalities would have them.

Besides, the corporations don’t want you. You’re too fucking whiny and self-involved with your butthurt.

Start the laugh track for this part and turn it up. When President Trump deports millions of undocumented people, get ready for a lot of job openings that Americans are on record as not wanting to do. If America loses its casual slave-labor force, it will seize up like a race car with no motor oil. Packages of almonds and countless other agricultural goods will all be adorned with “picked by crackers” stickers as, no doubt, this will be one of the many blessings of capitalism unleashed.

You’d better head out to Walmart to stock up on supplies for your Patriot Pantry because there’s no way you’re going to do that work. Save yourself the backache and just settle for butthurt.

Reince Priebus will be Trump’s chief of staff. Good. Trump will need someone to walk him ever so slowly through the mechanics of not only the executive branch but through the workings of government itself. He brought in Steve Bannon, a campaign staffer and executive chairman at Breitbart News, as his chief strategist. Wow. Between these two and Mike Pence, racism, homophobia and misogyny will be action plans.

Fortunately, Trump will deliver on only a fraction of his promises. Need a tissue, bro?

Look for your weekly fix from the one and only Henry Rollins right here every Thursday, and come back tomorrow for the playlist for his Sunday KCRW broadcast.



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