Let’s get one thing clear: I am not a feminist. But just because I am not a feminist does not mean that I don’t wish all men should die. As a matter of fact, I hate them. I think men are disgusting, horrible creatures who should die violent deaths. But I also simultaneously recognize their general superiority to women and want for them to remain in control of most things since women are generally less competent. Deal with it.

For example, I believe women should stay away from being world leaders. What if they get their periods and set off a nuclear war because they’re feeling crampy? Men are more levelheaded and decisive. They belong in office. They also belong lifeless in a mass grave, but that’s beside the point.

Women do not deserve to be paid as much as men for doing the exact same job. Men do the work better because they want it more and are more focused. They’re not worried about their kid’s dance recital or have silly opinions like who wore that hat better. Men deserve more money for equal work so they can support their wives who should be staying at home in the first place. Men also deserve to be wiped off the face of the earth. Don’t put me in a box!

And don’t even get me started on women wanting to have combat roles in the military. How is a woman going to fight for our country when she can’t even lift a gun with those scrawny arms? Men belong on the front lines. Conveniently, this will also make them more susceptible to the death that they all so clearly deserve.

And I love how those bra-burning feminazis get all upset when a man on the street tells them to smile or that they have ass for days. It’s called a compliment—say thank you! Be glad you’re still getting noticed. One day, after my master plan is complete and all the men are dead, you’ll wish someone was telling you where to put those lips.

Finally, what’s with some women’s obsession about having control over their bodies? Who do you trust to make the tough decisions about what to do with your reproductive system: a strong man, or someone who cries at that Wells Fargo commercial with the two mommies learning sign language for their deaf adopted daughter? Exactly. Also, all men must die. That’s just where I stand on that particular issue.

In conclusion, a woman’s place is in the home and a man’s place is in a coffin. You can call me a murderer. You can call me a psychotic freak. Just please, for the love of God, don’t call me a feminist.