BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere. “Take it from two people who’ve been in your shoes: Just be patient and have an open heart, and I know you’ll meet the love of your life,” said the essentially celibate Evan Schar, mechanically patting the knee of the woman he has not had sexual relations with in almost five years. “All it takes is that one amazing person who makes you feel this way. And when you find each other, you’ll realize everything was just leading up to this amazing moment. Trust us.” The Schars, both of whom are reportedly too habituated to their lifeless routine to pursue the extramarital relationships they so desperately crave, went on to say that when the time came, you would wonder why you even worried in the first place.

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