Trump Has Epiphany, Actually Has Good Ideas, Unites Nation

Apr 01, 2019

WASHINGTON, DC - Breaking news from the White House today.

President Donald Trump appears to have had some kind of epiphany. He’s been tweeting ideas on new initiatives, and has sent apologies to women, foreign leaders, the press, and the late Senator John McCain.

Pressed by reporters for details, he’s released the following statement:

“My fellow Americans. Today, while taking a bath, I saw myself in the reflection of the water. I saw the man I’ve been. I saw the man I could be. And suddenly this feeling of the great present moment swept me into a tremendous sense of peace. Eureka! Oh, how I long to Make America Great Again... great like this great water.

America: Please take off your red hats. Just feel the wind sweep over your head. Doesn't it feel good?

It’s over. No more fighting. No more trolls. I’m sorry for pitting people against each other. I guess I just got caught up in trying to win, trying to help my friends and family. I’ve sought wealth in division.

It’s over. Those days are done. We can stop fighting. There is more which unites us than divides us.

Let us spend our time to protect our environment, stop pollution, stop overpopulation.

My LGBT friends, I’m listening. Women: I’m listening. People of color: I’m listening. Your voice matters.

To Mexico, Central America, South America: We are all Americans. The United States will be a good neighbor. Aside from English, all US schools shall be required to teach Spanish and a third local indigenous language as well. We shall be good immigrants.

I call for healthcare for all. Taxes on the rich. Tax breaks for the poor.

We shall convert our swords to plowshares by repurposing our military into a social works program.

All of the world: Let this day, April 1st, be known as the day we’ve built The New Colossus. America: We lift our lamp beside the golden door!”

Last seen, Trump had disappeared into the Appalachian foothills. Struck by the fractal nature of Oak branches in an old grove, he began to weep.