Toto.

What does any of this have to do with stopping Toto?

You italicized it again. Toto the dog.

WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

How do you distract a dog?

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Throw a sausage link at him?

Right. Throw a sausage link at the teenage virgin.

Is this a sex thing again? Because I'm not doing that.

What do teenage virgins like?

Is this a trick? Is it Toto?



There are probably some virgins who are massive Toto fans, but this isn't a well-known trope, no.

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Technology. Give him your phone.

But it won't work for much longer.

Tell him the power is within him if only he believes in it.

And when it stops working everyone will think it's his fault!

Precisely. Go on then.

-a time elapses-

It worked! They barely got past that stupid theme song ...

It's not stupid. It's another one of those metaphors we've been struggling with.

... when the phone conked out.

So your status as a god is confirmed.

Basically! And now they're ... going to sacrifice the virgin. Oh man. I feel awful.

Hmmm. I wonder if maybe there are some downsides to playing god?

Fuck you.

It seems the kind of thing that would seem like common sense ...

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Fuck you.

... and yet it's not. Huh.

Are you done?

Are you? Are you really going to let that poor sexless kid die?

Oh man. This isn't going to turn into one of those morals things, is it?

It's looking like it might be. Go on then. Tell them that you're not a god. Tell them that you're just an idiot who likes grapes, and maybe wanted to see a few women go to the bathroom.

That's still not true, and I'm only saying it because I don't want the kid to die and oh shit they're into it.

They're going to the bathroom in front of you?

Yeeeesh.

Congratulations on completing this advice guide! You're now no longer being worshiped as a god! Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, So a Primitive Tribe Has Adopted You as Their Pervert.

Special thanks to Official Bucholz Enthusiast Thor S. for the concept of this column, who, with a name like that, must find getting confused for a god to be a troublesomely common scenario.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and make him reconsider that.