Simmons Breakdown at s03e03

[This is all my speculation- I know that I can be wrong or see too much and some of my theories are a long shot, but here you have: my analysis of Simmons breakdown during the date]

The date started well, that’s for sure. Simmons was smiling, shyly but still cute and she was clearly enjoying the idea.

But here’s the thing- she was enjoying the idea very much, but the implementation was a little much for her.

The setting was great, Fitz was doing his best. Nice restaurant, completely empty, delicate light, no cell phones or other noises, just one stranger being very nice. But even now there’s something wrong. See this little twitch of face she did when sitting? She’s not used to chairs and tables anymore and she tries reminds herself how to behave. No big deal, but normally a person doesn’t have to think about sitting in a restaurant. Maybe the chair as too soft, or she didn’t like all that open space around her, nothing to cover her back? It’s just details that were not troubling her much, but they started pilling.

Now about the way Simmons sits. She doesn’t support her back on the chair, doesn’t put her hands on the table, but on her lap. She keeps her elbows near her body, keeps her head bend a little. All of that makes her look smaller, like she tries to hide. She’s very still, not even moving much. That’s not someone who made themselves comfortable (I mean look at Fitz in this scene, he’s rearranging his surrounding so it would be comfortable, while Simmons just sits on the edge).

Here Simmons starts to get emotional, it all comes to her: not only that Fitz cleared the place for her and that he kept the reservation, but also walked her around all day, saved her and did so many things for her during years. But that’s not all. She notices differences: this is a nice, soft, push place, so different than the alien planet and she’s safe because she can count on him to help her. She doesn’t have to fight anymore.

It’s all getting a little overwhelming. The date, the contrast, what she’s been through, Fitz being incredibly sweet, it’s a lot to take in, and Simmons was bad at emotional talks way before the Monolith. She wants to say something, to let him know that she appreciates it, that she’s grateful and happy and wants to enjoy the date and behave like she think she should. I think that more than anything she wants it to work. Not just the date, but her relationship with Fitz too (and she knows that this is important for them) and her coming back to normal life, finding herself again. It’s all very complicated and impossible to put into words, not in her current state. But still, she tries.

Such a simple situation: choose something to eat in a restaurant. But for Simmons, who was for months on alien planet, eating who knows what, all this is confusing and complicated. I mean I myself usually get lost in the menu full of fancy meals. She has to choose something and she knows it’s the easiest task, but it’s just hard for her. Plus, the waiter is standing next to her, maybe too close for her comfort.

The wine and roses are red- like blood, so it could have bring back some bad memories to Simmons. The waiter is still standing close, watching them and he just took her glass from her. And Jemma knows it’s normal and not threatening at all but still sh doesn’t feel safe. Add to this all the fussy feelings about Fitz she still has and it’s quite an overwhelming mix.

It all gets too much. Simmons can clearly see just how much she doesn’t fit in anymore- all of those things used to be easy and normal and she remembers that, but they are just no longer normal and suddenly she has to struggle to behave in a proper way, which may make her feel silly. It’s a nice evening, Fitz is being incredibly sweet and caring (come on, he’s melting my heart, of course he’s meting hers too) and she wants to enjoy this but it’s getting more and more difficult with all this conflicted emotions, sensations and things that shouldn’t be new but somehow are so unfamiliar.

The tears start to well in her eyes and she knows it’s stupid and looks around, trying to hide or find a way to run from this storm inside her.

Fitz noticed that she started crying and it just makes everything worse, because Simmons doesn’t want to cry and she probably has no idea why she is doing that. She tries to stop herself and is fighting to keep it all inside and not break. This is a serious struggle for her. I guess there’s also a part of her that is worried what Fitz will think, would he think she’s even more broken than he thought, would he be even more disappointed in her (because that’s clearly something she’s afraid of and she can’t see that Fitz doesn’t see her this way, it’s only her insecurity talking), or stop believing that she can be all right or maybe he would think it’s his fault and she’s not happy with him or she doesn’t like the date? Maybe he would give up on her? All this is twirling in her mind and not helping at all, only maing her angry with herself. Plus, she’s Jemma Simmons, she has two PhDs, she was the head of science division and she survived on alien planet, she doesn’t want to be the girl who cried on her first date for no reason.

When Fitz sits next to her, she still tries to hold it, to behave like a normal girl and fights it, to stay strong. She doesn’t even look at him but says “sorry”, because she knows she’s being irrational and she’s afraid that she will ruin things with her breakdown. Then she just lets it out, starts sobbing even more because she just can’t fight it anymore. She needs his comforting but she can’t ask for it, desperate for things to somehow just work out, but nothing is working and she can’t fix it on her own. Only when Fitz touches her arm, like he always did when she was upset, she finally moves closer to him.

Simmons finally lets him hug her and help her, mutter some words of comfort. She’s broken but Fitz is here, still with her and she doesn’t have to hide near him. He’s not scared, he’s not making a fuss or being disappointed. He’s simply patient and caring and that’s exactly what Simmons needs now.

She reaches for him with her hand and just let herself be vulnerable and trusts him to take care of her. After all, they always fix everything together.