Graham, L. et al.

A rowdy suburban house party was broken up by police last night after they discovered dozens of high school students shooting up every vaccine from polio to diphtheria.

“We knew something was up when we saw used hypodermic needles all over the lawn,” said police spokeswoman Carol O’Rourke, who said neighbours became concerned when they witnessed teens pulling up to the house with large boxes of bandaids.

O’Rourke notes that so-called “vaxx parties” are becoming more common as teens rebel against parents whose medical knowledge increasingly comes from forwarded emails [1]. Many teens have even started mixing vaccines to obtain an elevated high from a fully updated immunization history.

“I did a hump shot,” said Tyrus Johnson, which involves mixing vaccines for HPV and the mumps. “The high of knowing I wouldn’t die of hepatitis was better than MDMA.”

Some students, who had passed out from needle phobia, were shamed by having tiny Jenny McCarthys drawn on their faces with sharpie.

Others turned the preventative medicine into party games. “We played vax pong, which is where a registered nurse tosses hepatitis vaccines into players arms,” said sophomore Sparrow-Stream Wayne. “Please don’t tell my mom about this,” she added, “if she finds out I got vaccinated, she’ll fucking kill me.”