As I’ve mentioned before, I like to look at the search terms people use to find this site. I’ve noticed that people regularly search about whether to give their children the silent treatment. I have a very strong opinion about this, and feel that parents should never give their children the silent treatment. To avoid confusion, let me describe what I mean by the silent treatment, versus other forms of silence. The silent treatment is a form of punishment with the intent to inflict pain on the person that you are giving it to, and it is done with no communication as to why it is happening, how long it will last, or what the receiver of the silent treatment can do to stop it. This is different than giving your child clear consequences to a behavior (such as a well-defined time-out), or not engaging with your child who is mid-tantrum.

Giving your child the silent treatment means that you are punishing them in a manner that inflicts pain, that you are suddenly not speaking to them without telling them why, and that they have no defined way to get you to speak to them again. This is painful and terrifying for a child. In their minds, you have disappeared and all attempts to get you to reappear are not working. They have no idea why this has happened. It is terrifying because a child cannot survive without a parent or caregiver. The silent treatment sends a message to your child that they are not safe in the world, that their provider may or may not be available to them at any given time, for no apparent reason.

If you are considering punishing your child with the silent treatment, then it is time to step back and examine your emotions. Are you feeling angry with your child? Anger is inevitable- parenting is a difficult job, but feeling the anger is one thing, acting on it is another. It is okay to feel angry, and it is hard work to feel that anger without taking it out on your child. The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you are feeling angry, and that you are so angry that you want to hurt your child. You are less likely to act on an emotion if you are aware of it in the first place. The next step is finding out what you need to do to keep yourself from hurting your child. If you find you are unable figure this out, then it is time to ask for help, whether it is from your spouse, a therapist, a minister, a relative, a friend. Find someone you trust and ask for help. Taking this step may feel difficult, but it will save your child and yourself from an unmeasurable amount of pain in the future.

More articles that may interest you:

When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option

Dealing With the Silent Treatment

Dealing With Your Anger

More on the Silent Treatment

Following Through With Consequences