GET OFF THE INTERNET,STANLY, IT'S TIME FOR BED. MOM, I JUST GOTTA DOA COUPLE MORE THINGS. NOW, STANLY. THE INTERNET WILL BE WAITINGFOR YOU IN THE MORNING. OFF ! AW, MAN. SHELLEY, OFFTHE INTERNETIT'S BEDTIME ! MOM, I'M I-CHATTING WITHMY BOYFRIEND IN MONTANA ! NOW, SHELLEY ! WHY DO YOU HATE ME ?! RANDY, OFFTHE INTERNET. NO ! NO, COME ON !LEAVE ME ALONE ! NO, MISTER, IT'S TIMEFOR NIGHT-NIGHT. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALBUT, SHARON,I GOT STUFF TO DO ! I GOTTA SEE MYCREDIT RATING AND I GOTTA SENDAN E-MAIL TO NELSON AND CHECK OUT FOLEY'SVACATION PHOTOS. YOU DON'T HAVETO DO ALL THAT NOW. YOU CAN DO ONE MORE THINGAND THEN IT'S BEDTIME. ONE MORE THING. ( woman ) Aie, akaita... ( pants unzipping )OOH, YEAH. ( rooster crowing ) ( alarm buzzing ) WHAT THE HELL ? STAN, STAN, I GOTTAUSE YOUR COMPUTER.WHAT ? MY INTERNET'S NOT WORKING,I GOTTA USE YOURS. AND GIVE DADDY SOMEPRIVATE TIME, WILL YA ? MY INTERNET'S NOTWORKING EITHER.WHAT ?! DAD, THE INTERNET'SNOT WORKING ! I KNOW THAT, OKAY ?! I HAVE TO GET ONLINEWITH MY DARLING AMIR BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS ! RANDY, I CAN'T GETMY E-MAIL TO OPEN. EVERYONE, JUST-JUSTCALM DOWN ! CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT ? IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY,WE JUST CAN'T PANIC !

GERALD,PLEASE HELP US. RANDY, WHAT HAPPENED ? OUR HOUSE...IT HAS NO INTERNET. OH, MY GOD. WE'VE GOT NOTHING. IT'S JUST GONE. COME IN. YOU CAN USE OUR INTERNET UNTILYOU FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO. THANK YOU, GERALD. I'M GETTINGON IT FIRST.OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT ! KYLE, I NEED TO USEYOUR INTERNET ? IT'S NOT WORKING.WHAT ?! I'VE EVEN UNPLUGGED ITAND PLUGGED IT BACK IN. NO, NO, OUR INTERNETCAN'T BE BROKEN. I'VE GOT TOGET AN ATTACHMENT LARRY SENT MELAST NIGHT. IT'S NOT WORKING,GERALD. BUT IT HAS TO WORK--MAYBE IF I-- YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING,GERALD, FACE IT ! I HAVE TO GET ONLINEBEFORE SCHOOL. WHAT ABOUT STARBUCKS ?THEY HAVE FREE INTERNET. RIGHT, STARBUCKS ! EVERYONE GET YOUR STUFF,WE CAN TAKE MY CAR ! HEY, IS YOUR GUYS'INTERNET WORKING ? NO, NOBODY'S IS. WHAT'S HAPPENING ?! JESUS, EVERYONE'S GONNAGO TO STARBUCKS NOW. EVERYONE IN THE CAR. WE HAVE TO BEATTHEM THERE. ( all screaming ) ( glass shattering ) GOD, THE WHOLENEIGHBORHOOD'S AFFECTED. GET OUT OF THE WAY,PETERSON ! ( all yelling ) FOLKS, THERE'SNO INTERNET HERE ! IT'S NOT WORKING,I TELL YOU. IT'S NOT WORKING HERE ? KIDS, GET BACKIN THE CAR. WE CAN GO TOTHE M STORE. NO, DON'T, YOU'REWASTING YOUR TIME. HOW DO YOU KNOW ? BECAUSE WE JUST CAMEFROM THERE. THERE WAS NOTHING--NOT ONE SCRAP OF INTERNET. HOW CAN THERE BENO INTERNET ANYWHERE ? WHAT'S GOING ON ? ANYBODY GOTA BLACKBERRY ? CHECK DRUDGE REPORT. GOOD IDEA ! NO, WAIT, WE CAN'TCHECK DRUDGE REPORT. THERE'S NO INTERNET ! THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TOFIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. WE CAN'T--DON'T YOU GET IT ?! THERE'S NO INTERNET TO FIND OUTWHY THERE'S NO INTERNET ! WHAT DID WE USED TO DO TO GET THE NEWSBEFORE THE INTERNET ? ( gasping )A TELEVISION ! YARGH ! Once again, we apologize but we cannotbring you the news. It appears that we have nointernet here at News 4. We'll be happy to bringyou up on current events just as soon as ourinternet is back. JESUS, IT'S STATEWIDE. IT COULD BE NATIONWIDE. Hello, do you haveinternet ? It's channel 4 news. No, we don't haveinternet either. NO INTERNET ANYWHERE. JESUS...WE'RE ALL ALONE.

( coughing ) WHAT'S THE MATTER ? I DON'T KNOW. I NEED TO GET ON WebMD AND SEE WHY I HAVE THISCOUGH BUT I CAN'T ! ( coughing ) WHAT IF MY SWEETHEART ISONLINE LOOKING FOR ME ? HE COULD BE WONDERING WHY I DON'T GETONLINE WITH HIM. MAYBE HE THINKSI'M DEAD. IF MY DARLING AMIR GETSANOTHER INTERNET GIRLFRIEND I'M GONNA KILL HIM ! AND YOU ! AHGH, AHGGH, AGHGH ! SHELLEY ! SHELLEY, WHOA,STOP, STOP ! DAD, YOU GOTTADO SOMETHING ! SHE'S OUTTA CONTROL !YOU'RE RIGHT. WE CAN'T JUST SITHERE ANY LONGER. RANDY, WHERE WILLYOU GO ? WE'RE GONNA HEAD WEST. THERE'S A RUMORGOING AROUND THERE MIGHT BE SOMEINTERNET OUT THERE. SO WE'RE HEADIN' OUTCALIFORNEE WAY. YOU DON'T KNOWIF THERE'S ANY INTERNET IN CALIFORNIA. WELL, THERE CERTAINLYAIN'T NONE HERE ! LOOK, MAYBE IT'S TIMEYOU ALL FACE REALITY. THE INTERNET HEREIS DRYIN' UP. IT COULD COME BACK. YEAH, AND MAYBE IT WON'T. IN THE MEANTIME,I GOT A FAMILY WHO NEEDS INTERNETRIGHT AWAY. WE'LL HEAD OUTCALIFORNEE WAY AND... SEE WHAT WECAN FIND. COME ON, LET'S GO. LOOK, IF YOU...IF YOU DO FIND INTERNET, LET US KNOW, WILL YA ? HOW ? YOU WON'T HAVE INTERNET.

SORRY, FOLKS,WE'RE FULL UP. KNOW ANYWHERE ELSEWE CAN STAY ? WE'RE HEADIN'OUT CALIFORNEE WAY. LOOKIN' FOR SOMEINTERNET. YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE. YOU'LL HAVE TO STAY OUTAT THE TRANSIENT CAMP WITH ALL THE OTHERSHEADIN' TO CALIFORNEE. IT'S ABOUT A MILEDOWN THE ROAD. ♪ I'M GOIN' DOWNTHE ROAD ♪ ♪ FEELIN' BAD ♪ I'M GOIN' DOWNTHE ROAD ♪ ♪ FEELIN' BAD ♪ I'M GOIN'DOWN THE ROAD ♪ ♪ FEELING BADOH LORDY ♪ ♪ MY INTERNET DONEUP AND WENT AWAY ♪♪ ( crying ) WHERE ARE YOUFROM OLD-TIMER ? KANSAS CITY. HAD ME A STORE THERE, A KIND OFCOMPUTER-SUPPLY STORE. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALTHE STORES WENT TOO. THINGS'LL BE DIFFERENT WHENWE GET OUT TO CALIFORNEE. SOON AS WEGET US SOME INTERNET WE CAN ALL REST EASY. WHY SURE,SILICON VALLEY. THEY GOTS A WHOLE MESSOF INTERNET UP THERE. SAY A MAN CANPRACTICALLY ROLL AROUND IN IT. WHEN I GET TO THATINTERNET, I'M GONNA CLICK ON JUSTABOUT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. MIGHT EVEN CLICK ONA POP-UP AD JUST FORTHE HECK OF IT. I'M GONNA SIT DOWNAT THAT INTERNET AND JUSTSTART E-MAILIN'. JUST KEEP ON E-MAILIN' 'TIL MY FINGERS ARESORE TO THE BONE. SURE WILL BE NICE. YOU FOLKS ALL HEADIN'TO SILICON VALLEY ? THAT'S RIGHT,WE NEED TO GET ONLINE. HA-HA ! "GET ONLINE," HE SAYS. WHAT'S SO FUNNYABOUT THAT ? THINK ABOUT IT. HOW MANY FOLK HEADIN' OUTTO CALIFORNEE ? A MILLION ? MORE ? AND HOW MUCH INTERNET YOUTHINK THEY GOT OUT THERE ? MIGHT BE SOME INTERNET,SURE, BUT WITH EVERYONETRYIN' TO USE IT AT ONCE, IT'S GONNA GO REALSLOW-LIKE. I KNOWSBECAUSE I SEEN IT. MY TWO CHILDREN, THEY TRIED TOLOAD A WEBPAGE. TOOK THEM OVERTHREE DAYS. THEY SAT THERE, WAITIN'. BY THE TIME THE LOADING BARWAS ONLY HALF FULL, THEY WAS DEAD. STARVED ONTHE INTERNET WITH THEIR BELLIES STUCK OUTLIKE A PIG BLADDER. ( crying ) COME ON, STAN,LET'S GET SOME REST.

AMIR... I MISS YOU SO MUCH. DON'T CRY, SHELLEY. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET ONLINEWHEN WE GET TO CALIFORNEE. UGH !

EVERYONE,WAKE UP, WE'RE HERE ! SILICON VALLEY,CALIFORNEE ! NAME ? DO THEY HAVEINTERNET HERE ? NAME ?MARSH. SERVICE PROVIDER ? NetZero. ALL RIGHT, STAY IN LINE. ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE,RED CROSS VOLUNTEERS WILL DIRECT YOU TOYOUR CAMPSITE. SO IS THEREINTERNET HERE ? ( man )STAY IN LINE AND GETTO YOUR CAMPSITE. EXCUSE ME, WE'RE LOOKIN'FOR SOME INTERNET. YEAH, THEY GOT IT HERE. ALL RIGHT ! BUT THERE AIN'T ENOUGHTO GO AROUND. ALL THEY GOT ISA LITTLE INTERNET. BARELY A BAR A SIGNAL. SO THEY HAVE TO RATIONIT OUT CAREFULLY. YOU SIGN UP OVER THERE AND USE YOUR TIMEWHEN THEY CALL YOUR NAME. EACH FAMILY GETS 40 SECONDSOF INTERNET PER DAY. 40 SECONDS ?! THAT AIN'T EVEN LONG ENOUGHTO CHECK WIKIPEDIA ! WELL, IT'S ALL WE GOT,SO WE GOTTA MAKE DO. LOOK, HONEY, I ORDERED USSOME BOOKS ON AMAZON. ALL RIGHT, TIME'S UP. NO, NO, WAIT ! I HAVEN'T ENTEREDTHE SHIPPING INFORMATION ! NO, NO ! NEXT, GRADY, JOHN H. AW, HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO SEEINTERNET PORN THAT WAY ? WHAT DID YOU SAY ? UH, YOU GO AHEAD,SHARON. DIVIDE SOME INTERNETAMONGST THE CHILDREN. I GOTTA GO TALKTO SOMEBODY.

THERE MIGHT BE SOME INTERNETSTILL IN CALIFORNIA AND PARTS OF FLORIDA. THOUGH, WE CERTAINLY STILLDON'T HAVE ANY HERE. A FAX-- A FAX ISCOMING THROUGH ! OH, YAY, A FAX ! A FAX !IT'S A FAX,IT'S A FAX ! WE GOT A FAX,WE GOT A FAX ! UH-- OH ! IT SAYS: "THE GOVERNMENTHAS SENT THEIR BEST PEOPLE TO THE INTERNET IN ORDERTO REPAIR IT." WE GOTTA SEND A REPORTEROUT TO THE INTERNET ! WHERE IS THE INTERNET ? GENTLEMEN,THE PRESIDENT IS VERY ANGRY THAT HIS INTERNET STILLISN'T WORKING. WE'VE TRIEDEVERYTHING, SIR. BUT THE INTERNET HASSLOWED TO A TRICKLE AND WE CAN'TGET IT WORKING CORRECTLY. TAKE ME DOWN BELOW. I WANT TO SEETHE INTERNET FOR MYSELF. HERE IT IS, GENERAL... THE INTERNET. SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT ? SEE THAT FLASHINGORANGE LIGHT IN THE MIDDLE ? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BESOLID GREEN. MY GOD. HA-HA-HA,THE DancingKitty.com.

"CLICK ON THE DANCING KITTYAND YOU COULD WIN A PRIZE." ALL RIGHT, TIME'S UP. NO, WAIT, I JUSTCLICKED ON THE KITTY. I GOT IT ! NO, IT WASN'TLONG ENOUGH ! NO ! NEXT, NELSON, PETER T. EXCUSE ME,I NEED TO, UH, HAVE SOME PRIVATEINTERNET TIME. LOOK, WE'RE JUSTTRYING TO GET BY HERE. EVERYONE'S GOTTA TAKEWHAT THEY CAN GET. I HAVEN'T JACKED OFFIN OVER TWO WEEKS. SO JACK OFF. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I NEED THE INTERNETTO JACK OFF. I... GOT USED TOBEING ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING AT THE CLICK OF A BUTTON,YOU KNOW ? ONCE YOU JACK OFFTO JAPANESE GIRLS PUKING INEACH OTHER'S MOUTHS, YOU CAN'T EXACTLYGO BACK TO PLAYBOY. WHAT DO YOUWANT US TO DO ? PICK UP THE WHOLE COMPUTER AND PUT IT INSIDE FORTEN MINUTES JUST FOR YOU ? THREE MINUTESWOULD BE PLENTY. GET LOST ! OH ! ALL RIGHT, EACH OF YOUTAKE A TICKET. WHEN THEY CALL YOUR NAME,YOU CAN USE THE INTERNET. WHAT NUMBERARE YOU, TURD ? 851. YOU'RE 923 NOW. HEY-- MOM ?! SHELLEY, GIVE YOUR BROTHERHIS TICKET BACK. CAN'T YOU ALLSEE I'M IN PAIN ? NOBODY UNDERSTANDSPURE LOVE ! AMIR AND I CLOSER THAN ANYBODY INTHIS STUPID FAMILY ! UGH... AGHGHG...

YOU... HAPPEN TO BE LOOKIN'FOR INTERNET PORN ? YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW ? LOTS OF US FELLAS CAMEHERE FOR THAT REASON. WE ALL GOT USED TO SEEING LOTS OF REALLY PERVERTEDSTUFF ON THE INTERNET SO NOW WE CAN'TGO BACK TO PLAYBOY. I KNOW, RIGHT ?! ANYWAY, WE GOT USA SIMULATOR. YOU JUST CALL OUTWHAT YOU WANNA SEE AND THEN SAY"CLICK." "INTERNET PORN SIMULATOR." GIVE IT A TRY. UH, JAPANESE GIRLSEXCHANGING BODILY FLUIDS. CLICK. ( hurried scribbling ) OH, THIS SUCKS ! I CAN'TJACK OFF TO THIS ! DAMN IT. ( pants unzipping ) UH, LET'S SEE--INTERRACIAL GANGBANG. CLICK. ( scribble-scribble ) ARGH. SHE-MALES,LET'S TRY SHE-MALES. CLICK. ( scribble-scribble ) BESTIALITY--CLICK ON THAT. UH, UH... BRAZILIANFART FETISH PORN ! CLICK, CLICK. UH, UH... NOPE... NO, THIS ISN'TGONNA WORK. IT'S JUST NOTTHE SAME. WELL, SORRY. THAT'LL BE $49ON YOUR CREDIT CARD. WELL, AT LEAST THAT PART'SLIKE THE INTERNET. ( reporter )We now have a reporteron the scene !

TOM, I'M ATTHE INTERNET, WHERE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALSARE DOING THEIR BEST TO GET IT RUNNING AGAIN. ALL RIGHT, INTERNET,WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US ? IF WE'VE ANGERED YOU SOMEHOW,LET US KNOW. TRY TO COMMUNICATEWITH IT DIGITALLY AGAIN. ( 3 "Close Encounters" notes ) ( again, but flat last note ) I'VE HAD ITWITH THIS THING. FIRE A WARNING SHOTAT IT. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE... IS IT POSSIBLE THAT... WHAT IS IT, KYLE ? I THINK...I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.

THIS IS TAKINGTOO LONG ! WHEN DO I GET TOUSE THE INTERNET ? IT'S GOTTA BEOUR TURN SOON. ALL RIGHT, FOLKS,IT'S BEDTIME. NO MOREINTERNET FOR TODAY. AWW !AWW !COME ON !A LITTLE LONGER ! NO, NO, WE'RE LOCKING ITAWAY 'TIL TOMORROW. EVERYONE GET TO BED. AWW, MAN !AWW, MAN !AHGHGHGH !WHAT ?! AHGHGH ! AHH ! HMM... HA, FINALLY...I'M ONLINE AGAIN ! YES ! JAPANESE GIRLS PUKEIN EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS. ( girl ) Atashi no suki no ? ( girl vomiting ) Ah, daisuki... OH, NICE... WHOA. ( vomiting ) Ah kita ! NOW LET'S SEE SOME...BESTIALITY. ( woman )Oh, oh, oh...( elephant trumpeting ) Oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh... UGHGH, YES, UGH ! LET'S GET SOME BRAZILIANFART PORN IN THERE. ( farting ) ( woman )Oh... ( farting ) OH, THAT'S GOT IT ! OH ! OAHGGHGH ! URHGGHGH, URHGGHGHGH ! WHAT IS THAT ? SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S BEINGATTACKED BY A TIGER. ARHGHGHGH, AHRHGGHGH ! GET THE KEYS !WE GOTTA GET IN THERE ! AHGHGGH, AHGHGGHHH... AHHH... ( all gasping ) AHHHHHH. WHAT THE... DAD ?RANDY ! OH, UH... THERE WAS A--THERE WAS A GHOST ! THIS IS ECTOPLASM ! DID YOU SEETHE GHOST ? IT RAN THROUGH HEREAND SLIMED ME ! YOU SON OF A BITCH ! HUH, NO,IT WASN'T ME. IT WAS A SPOOKY GHOST !