A PALMING INFLUENCE

Anyone who witnessed Manchester United being trampled on by their noisy neighbours in the Worthington Cup will have noticed a slight gulf in class. Red Devils boss Ole Gunnar Solskjær is also aware of it but the club are intent on only signing players who will improve the squad, meaning William Prunier and David Bellion are waiting by the phone.

How do you improve on perfect mid-table mediocrity? Well ... The Fiver has been scouting to help Ole replace the outgoing Ashley Young, who looks likely to swap the Lowry Outlet for the chic streets of Milan. If a former Watford winger-cum-full-back is not what is required then the only answer is to find an even more versatile ex-Hornet to bring to Old Trafford. The finest utility man around is Steve Palmer, aged 51.

Before we even start on his footballing capabilities, Palmer is a Cambridge graduate. The cerebral qualities of a man with a degree in software engineering could be useful for the ticket office, something Youngy cannot boast. During the 1997-98 season (yes, he brings a wealth of experience) Palmer started the penultimate game in goal just so he could wear the No 1 shirt, eventually sporting every number from 1-14 during the campaign. He swapped shirts with Alec Chamberlain after roughly four seconds, so has never conceded as a goalkeeper. With David De Gea chucking a few into his own net in recent weeks, it could be useful to have an extra pair of hands.

Joking aside, Palmer’s main position is defensive midfield and United are crying out for someone there to replace the injured Scott McTominay and provide more mobility than Nemanja Matic. Alternatively, he is no stranger to playing at centre-back and with the defensive crisis at United caused by varying degrees of knack suffered by Harry Maguire, Eric Bailly and calamity’s Phil Jones – not to mention Victor Lindelof forgetting what football was on Tuesday night – he could do a job there, too.

Palmer can slot in alongside whoever is left. He can also operate as a target man up top, a figure United have lacked, instead opting for young, quick players with skill and ingenuity which has worked infrequently. Palmer could offer the variation that top clubs need and be a focal point in attack when the going gets even tougher. Furthermore, Solskjær’s side is highly reliant on kids, whereas Palmer has over 500 league appearances to his name, something that United could find invaluable. Ed Woodward will also be pleased that he’s available at the right price: free.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Simon Burnton at 8pm GMT for red-hot coverage of Leicester 3-1 Aston Villa in the first leg of the Rumbelows Cup semi-final.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” – shy and retiring Ian Holloway describes how he’s feeling about life at Grimsby. For more Mary Poppins references read Ben Fisher’s interview with him here.

‘She blew in when needed and I feel like I’ve blown in when Grimsby need me.’ Photograph: Ryan Crockett/JMP/Shutterstock

FIVER LETTERS

“Any soccerball watchers in the USA! USA!! USA!!! who’ve had the bad luck to suffer through one of Alexi Lalas’s half-time TV tirades won’t have been surprised by the poor judgement and sheer inanity of his latest Sopranos critique (Tuesday’s Quote of the Day). Like everything emanating from this rent-a-quote’s big American pie hole, his opinions are usually long, loud, and instantly fuggetable” – Justin Kavanagh (and plenty of others).

“Re Alexi Lalas. I’d love to see him say that directly to Phil Leotardo. Or Chrissy. Or Silvio. Or Pauly. Or Johnny Sack etc etc etc (everyone, in fact, except Bobby Baccalieri)” – Tim Woods.

“It may reveal that I am a bigger fan of the Sopranos than the wider footballing scene, but all I can say in response to Quote of the Day is ‘Who is Alexi Lalas?’” – Carol Stewart.

“Opta statistics have Aston Villa’s midfield playmaker Jack Grealish as by far the most fouled player this season, a full 20 fouls ahead of nearest rival for most fouled ( Wilfred Zaha). It’s got to be that haircut hasn’t it?” – John Myles.

“Whilst I’m sure we all appreciated the novelty of being schooled by a flamin’ Australian, could I point out that the next decade can’t be here yet. The clue is the word ‘next’” – Andy Turner.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Carol Stewart.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Kevin De Bruyne has revealed just how hard it was for Manchester City to plan their first-half evisceration of United. “We did 15 minutes’ [work on it] – that’s all.” Ouch.

The FA is under fire after FA Cup games were streamed globally by betting companies despite announcing it had cut all ties with gambling firms in 2017.

Lazio have been fined €20,000 for their fans’ racial abuse of Mario Balotelli. Yup, that’ll stop them.

Everton director of football Marcel Brands had to use his unique skillset to direct angry fans away from the training ground after the club’s FA Cup defeat by some Liverpool schoolchildren.

Sadio Mané has got one over Mo Salah for not passing to him at Burnley by pipping his Liverpool teammate to the men’s African Footballer of the Year gong. Barcelona and Nigeria’s Asisat Oshoala was named women’s player of the year.

“The way my name is out there now it feels like I have been thrown under a bus. I went to [Big Dan Stendel] to try and have a word. He was watching videos of the Hibs game and said he didn’t have time to speak to me. That was the last of it for me at Hearts.” Glenn Whelan is the latest happy camper to have been hoofed through the door marked Do One by Hearts’ new sheriff in town.

The big man, right there. Photograph: Malcolm Mackenzie/ProSports/Shutterstock

Moussa Sissoko will not play again for Spurs until at least April after having surgery to fix a troublesome case of knee-knack.

Crystal Palace have told Bayern Munich to jog on after the brass-necked Bundesliga giants asked if they could borrow Wilfried Zaha for the rest of the season.

Darren Randolph’s £4m move from Middlesbrough to West Ham has been delayed so that further checks can be done on thigh-gah! that has kept him on the sidelines in recent weeks.

And after AFC Fylde’s groundsman did some Columbo-esque investigating, the club believe their Mill Farm pitch has been in a sorry state because of sabotage. “We found a brick covered in a cloth lodged deep in the drainage pipe,” sleuthed head groundsman Ian Forshaw.

STILL WANT MORE?

Marina Hyde gets her teeth into the latest Scandi crime drama that is the curious case of the perpetually vandalised Zlatan statue.

That’s a nasty bit of ankle-knack. Photograph: TT News Agency/Reuters

The Supercopa’s Saudi Arabian misadventure is proving less than a hit with Spanish fans, writes Sid Lowe.

Suzanne Wrack on Emma Mitchell’s move to Spurs and why club rivalries aren’t the same in the WSL.

Richard Foster invites us to meet the stadium announcers who have soundtracked Anfield and Griffin Park for decades.

Manchester City’s shape-shifting was all too much for Manchester United in the first leg of their Milk Cup semi, writes Jonathan Liew, while Paul Doyle previews Wednesday’s tie between Leicester and Villa.

The Knowledge is talking record non-league attendances, as we all should be.

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