Congratulations on finishing the first draft of your manuscript! I know how worried you were—the effort alone should make you so proud. As your agent, I’m here to offer my continued encouragement and my honest feedback. So, some thoughts:

My main question is, what does this book want to be? I know that, in your pitch, you said it’s not quite a self-help book and not exactly a novel. I couldn’t agree more. It is definitely neither of those things. But I’m wondering: Could it be one?

When I told you that smaller books sell very well, you insisted a book must be “Tolstoy big.” When I said it’s about quality, not quantity, you closed your eyes, plugged your fingers in your ears, and started humming. Understood. I love the ambition. But if you’re going for quantity, try expanding on topics, rather than simply repeating entire chapters verbatim. For instance, Chapter 34 occurs three times in a row. Subsequently, an entire page reads, “Four fifty to go. This is gonna be easy.”

I hate to cost you pages, but perhaps just one synopsis of your senior prom would suffice? Clearly, you are working through things in each retelling, but to keep asking the question “WHY DIDN’T I KISS HER?” over and over . . . Well, it might cause the reader to expect an answer. Instead, you just write, “Whyyyyyy??????” seven hundred times.

I’d also like to help you out with a few minor stylistic issues:

First of all, you do not need to write your own index. Usually that’s something the publisher does after the book is edited. I should have mentioned that in advance. Hopefully that info will save you some time on the next draft!

Your “About the Author” section feels a bit long. It reads more like a memoir. Maybe a memoir is what this book is trying to become? I even wrote in the margin, “Is this the book?” (Actually, I think I wrote, “What is this?,” but similar idea.)

Here’s an easy one. In the “How to Read This Book” section, you do not have to literally teach the reader how to read. This is, in fact, not a feature of normal books, and should definitely go.

The acknowledgements section is generally an opportunity to acknowledge those who have helped you in writing your book, whereas you use it as a space in which to confess all of the crimes you have committed. (On a personal note, I feel you should return the money to that family.)

Which brings me back to my main question—what do you want the book to be? I think that answering this will give you a necessary boost in confidence, making it so that you won’t feel the need to constantly interrupt the narrative to ask, “Oh, am I boring you?” You’ll be able to hook the reader without relying on promises like, “If you buy Volume II, I’ll tell you where I hid the money.”

Anyway, this is definitely a great start. Or at least it is a start—now you know what not to write. An important part of the process!

Finally, as promised, here are my answers to some of the specific questions you’ve texted or e-mailed to me late at night over the past few weeks:

–No, unfortunately, I do not know how you can get in touch with John Grisham.

–No, you do not have to change fonts every time there is a new speaker.

–If we get to a point where the book needs to be translated into other languages, then yes, we can look into “hiring a Spaniard.”

–Yes, Chapter 53 is too similar to “Pinocchio.”

–No, please do not write about me in the book.

–No, I do not think it’s fair to charge more money just because the book contains an eye exam.

–No, I don’t advise the use of both a pen name and your real name.

–Yes, I know that privacy and recognition are equally important to you.

–Yes, I have heard of a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

–No, despite my being a literary agent, I’m not Agent Steele.

–Yes, I did receive your receipts—we cannot reimburse you for a ghostwriter.

–Yes, a “funny, poignant, sad, scary, sexy, action-packed, thriller/adventure, romantic, poetic, fun­-for­-the­-whole­-family” book sounds great!

–No, I’m not trying to replace your mother. I am just good friends with your father.