ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an event for some bullshit called ‘Friendship Day’ tomorrow, and he needs to dress up as a character from his favorite book and bring in a treat for some in-classroom picnic deal,” said Schaff, emphasizing that the celebration also evidently requires his son to memorize four lines of a poem his class would be performing in a pageant less than 24 hours from the time of the notification. “There’s a whole list of snack types to avoid due to allergies, and naturally, the brownies and marshmallow squares have already been reserved by other parents. The teachers are also strongly suggesting that I help Cody build a ‘Friendship Diorama’ to display during the ‘Friendship Fair’ in the afternoon. What the hell is this? And why do I have to sign a permission slip when they’re not leaving campus? Also, what does the $10 suggested donation go towards? Jesus Christ, Cody, seriously.” At press time, Schaff had resigned himself to taking the afternoon off work upon learning that most parents would be attending the assembly.

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