I discovered indie rock band Pinegrove in early 2019 and their music has been heavily influential ever since. Skylight, their 2018-album was the soundtrack to a long recovery from illness, and to my very first half marathon. Needless to say, this is a band that has altered the course of my life in significant ways. Significant enough, at the very least, to justify a deep dive into their more obscure back catalogue of songs. The dive was well worth it. Aside from being pleasantly surprised by how solid the discography of this young band truly is, I also came across some lyrics that have haunted me ever since.

On the song ‘&’ from their compilation album ‘Everything So Far’, Evan Stephens Hall, frontman and lyricist sings:

“So you see my hand

See? It’s never either/or now

Stigmata ampersand”

Hall is speaking, of course, about the ampersand tattooed on his arm but also about the way he processes experiences. Hall said in a Pitchfork interview in 2016,

“I took a James Joyce seminar and my professor said: “When reading Joyce, it’s never either/or. It’s always and. And that advice extends to just interpreting experience. It’s an adventurous perspective, and it also does not try to collapse or reduce or one-dimensionalize experience—there are many layers to everything that’s going on, and they’re not competing, they co-exist. And you don’t have to choose. In fact, to choose is a little bit foolhardy. Never either/or, always and…”

Now all of Pinegrove’s songs generally resonate with me. Their songs capture, very precisely, the fears and insecurities of a modern twenty-something so this is not surprising. (Their honest, emotive lyrics combined with structurally sound rhythms and an alt-country twang have won them many a fan.) But for some reason, this song triggered a particularly long bout of self-examination.

In many ways the & has been part of the narrative of my life as well. I don’t want my life to be one-dimensional. Never either/or. Always ‘&’. Sports & Music & Academics & TV & Writing & Books & Mountains – I want them all to be a part of my life. The & forms the fabric of my world, stretching afar to accommodate all of my passions. It represents what I want from life-the ability to explore & develop every aspect of my personality. I will not be chained to a stereotype. I refuse to be confined by the ideal version of me that someone else dreamed up. I am allowed to flow beyond my boundaries.

The ability to push myself to the limit and advance in all of these dimensions is my biggest strength. When there’s a rip in the fabric of one dimension, I can always seek solace in another. The & serves as a reminder of this.

Yet historically, the & has been a source of internal conflict. For all the joys it has brought me, it has made considerable demands on my time. The stubborn unwillingness to compromise between dimensions has taken a physical and mental toll. It can be overwhelming to try and hold all these dimensions together with bare fists when it’s all too easy to let them slip away.

The & has also made me indecisive and anxious and prone to feelings of insufficiency. At my worst, it becomes a convenient excuse for flaking on my commitments and giving in to escapist fantasies. It is in many ways, a warning, that if I don’t keep a check on my destructive tendencies, I might implode.

It’s funny how the & is liberating for Evan Stephens Hall when often times it is constricting for me, mentally and physically. I don’t think Hall is unaware of the pitfalls of his viewpoint though. Two verses later on ‘&’, he sings,

“O I close my eyes and

Fractal inner rings of varicose resign

Coiled dark inside”

…which just about perfectly describes the tortuous inner workings of my mind, desperately scanning each dimension for more depth, and terrified of coming up against the wall.

All said and done, it is comforting to know that whatever it is I’m going through, someone somewhere out there feels the same way. The burden of this & has rested on many a shoulder. It is not mine to bear alone.

xxx