In 2005 I met with my doctor and asked him how long it would take for a treatment to take effect on a condition that I have. He told me that no one knows because each person's body reacts in their own individual way. Estrangements are like that. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how long an estrangement might last or whether it is resolvable.

This page of guidelines was written as a post which is in the blog archives. So many people access this post that I decided to give it a page of its own accessible from the front page of the blog. I have edited the original post slightly.

No one has all the answers. No one can know for sure what will resolve someone else's estrangement or whether it should be resolved. Sometimes resolution is not the best idea even though others might think that reconciliation is the only answer.

People who visit my website and blog are each in different stages of estrangement. At the beginning the feelings are the strongest, especially for those who didn't want an estrangement. In the beginning all sorts of emotions come up: anger, denial, guilt, fear, depression (clinical depression particularly which can be triggered by loss), rage, obsession, grief. Over time, which can be years, the feelings become more manageable. Some people never go through this process and are able to handle becoming estranged with equanimity. Women are more likely to verbalize their feelings than men.

Many women but only three men have written to me about estrangements in the over ten years that I have been writing my blog. It may be that men just aren't used to talking about their feelings as much as women are. Consequently, there is the appearance that estrangements bother women more than men but it may not be the reality.

If the estrangement can't be resolved, it is possible to accept the situation and go on and enjoy life. In the early stages of being estranged, this idea doesn't feel like an acceptable option. However, after all losses, whatever the cause, life does go on and it makes sense to go on and get back to living life with enjoyment.

While I am never comfortable with giving advice on what will work for everyone, I can offer general guidelines on what to do to maximize your own ability to go on with your life, regardless of whether your estrangement ends or not. They are common sense things to do but worth mentioning anyway. It is easy to lose our common sense when we are estranged.

Here are my guidelines: