CHICAGO, IL — After a string of disappointing hook-ups and blind dates, 28-year old Etsy merchant Jen Dooley was really looking forward to Star Wars-themed “lightspeed dating” night at the Burlington Bar. “I’m totally open to dating a geek, especially one that loves Star Wars and Game of Thrones. Pretty sure I’ll be able to find my soul mate in eight minutes or less. I think that’s where I’ve been going wrong. I typically swipe right and jump straight to Netflix and chill.”

Despite her excitement and the handmade Ahsoka Tano earrings she crafted for the evening, Dooley believes her ice breaker may have doomed her shots at love. “The joke usually slays, but for some reason, these guys weren’t getting it. Or maybe they did, but just weren’t that into me?”

Eligible Star Wars fans line up outside Burlington Bar for a night of “lightspeed dating”

According to Dooley, the three men she “lightspeed dated” didn’t know how to react to her formidable wit and word play. “I thought poking fun at my romantic failures would lighten the mood, so I said ‘My mom always asks why I date deadbeats? Maybe it’s because I pick Alderaan guys!’ You can’t tell me that’s not funny. I mean maybe not funny enough to wife me on the spot, but at least it should get an X on your date card next to Would Like To See Her Again, right? Ugh.”

Dooley says all three of her “lightspeed dates” were total busts, despite her mixing up the delivery of her ice breaker, and unbuttoning the top button to her Her Universe blouse. “Didn’t matter. My Alderaan joke still went over like Kathleen Kennedy at an MRA convention.”

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