Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

By Lizzy Acker

Pie is a vast and varied category of dessert. You’ve got your fruit pies, your cream pies, your fruit cream pies. They come in group and individual sizes. Some are beautiful, handmade creations, some are just store-bought crust, a can of pumpkin pie filling and some whipped cream from a canister.

For Pi Day on March 14, the day the world gets together to eat desserts in honor of a very long number, we wanted to do a ranking of Portland pies. But we needed to narrow it down, to one type of pie that is widely available. Apple was an obvious choice, as was local favorite marionberry.

But what about the oft-overlooked genre of chocolate pies? Specifically, chocolate cream pies? With a chocolate cream pie, you don’t need to worry about accidentally eating anything healthy. It’s just sweetness, chocolate, cream and carbs.

So we opted to taste eight chocolate cream pies available in Portland. We assembled a team of eight Oregonian/OregonLive reporters, removed identifying boxes, and asked the tasters to blindly judge the pies on taste, crust, chocolate filling and cream. Then, in a feat of intestinal strength, tasters ate and ranked the pies.

During the testing, two pies were disqualified because they were too different from the others, so the six remaining were the ones we ranked. (We’ll address those outliers at the end.)

Here are the six traditional chocolate cream pies, from worst to best.

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6: Market of Choice, Chocolate Cream pie, $12.99

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

Multiple locations, marketofchoice.com

Score: 6

This pie was a major disappointment, especially when we realized it was from Market of Choice, a reliably great grocery store.

But nobody liked this pie.

One tester said the chocolate pudding had “a horribly off-putting flavor” and added, “Crust is like playdough.”

The only thing anyone seemed to like was the chocolate chip garnish. “Points for topping the pie with mini chocolate chips,” wrote one judge.

“The chocolate chips are a nice touch,” wrote another.

But those chips weren’t enough to rescue this pie from its overly sweet, oddly flavored chocolate filling. Only one taster ranked this pie as high as fourth. Everyone else placed it in fifth or sixth place.

“I hate you, pie,” one judge wrote, speaking for mostly everyone.

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5: Banning's Restaurant and Pie House, Chocolate Cream pie, $14.49

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

11477 SW Pacific Hwy, Tigard, banningsrestaurant.com

Score: 22

The pie from this diner off the freeway in Tigard has its fans. One of our testers even ranked this pie as No. 1. For people interested in a basic diner chocolate cream pie, they could do worse than Banning's, which won our 2016 People's Choice vote for Portland's best pie shop. But, in a competition where several of the pies were clearly made by hand, this pie felt too processed to get high marks.

One issue with this pie was its crust. “Another non-flaky crust,” one taster wrote.

“Crust seems mass produced,” wrote another.

Another problem was the filling. “Overly firm and chocolate-y filling,” said one pie eater.

“Almost too chocolatey, if that’s a thing,” said another.

“Chocolate too rich,” added a third.

There was at least one fan of the pie though, who wrote: “A nice pert pie with thick chocolate, a regal piping of effervescent whipped cream and more chocolate chips.”

But, on the other end of the spectrum was the tester turned off by the very sight of the pie.

“I’m not even putting this in my mouth,” that person wrote.

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4: Shari's, Chocolate Cream Supreme, $11.99

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

Multiple locations, sharis.com

Score: 27

Coming in slightly in front of local diner Banning’s, is chain restaurant Shari’s. Shari’s has so many pies, it isn’t surprising they have figured out how to make a not-totally-horrible chocolate cream.

This version of the pie appealed to several tasters who for some reason found the fact that the filling was essentially chocolate pudding to be a good thing.

“Lovely pudding-esque filling,” one wrote.

“This is the one that tastes like lunchbox pudding, which for me is a nostalgic pleasure,” another added.

Some people did not agree that the pudding was a plus. “Boring. Chocolate is honestly just pudding,” wrote one.

“Bleh. Tastes like plastic cup pudding,” wrote another.

That pudding filling made for a very structurally unsound pie. “Sloppy goodness but is there even crust?” one person wrote.

“A crumbly blond crust that fades into nothingness,” another commented.

But the worst part of the Shari’s pie, for many, was the cream. One judge described it as having a “Cool Whip flavor.” Another said it was “too wet and too sweet.”

“The cream leaves an unpleasant slick down your tongue and throat,” another added.

“Still,” that judge continued, “if this ends up being ranked lowest, it probably proves that even the worst chocolate cream pie is pretty good.”

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3: Bipartisan Cafe, Chocolate Cream pie, $28

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

7901 S.E. Stark St., bipartisancafe.com

Score: 30

Coming in solidly at the upper end of the middle of the pack, Bipartisan’s chocolate cream had generally good texture, good flavor, but too much cream for many of the pie eaters, and a somewhat problematic crust.

“Wayyy too much whipped cream,” one of the judges wrote. “Are we trying to save money here? The ratio is way off, with three quarters of the filling being whipped cream.”

Still, some liked the cream, with one taster calling it “light and not too sweet.”

And “the pointillist distribution on the shaved chocolate shards” on top of the cream was a hit, along with the “nice and firm” chocolate.

But, the crust ultimately held Bipartisan back.

“Crust was layered rather than flaky, which was kind of odd,” one tester said.

“Crust a little chewy and pale for my taste,” said another.

“A bit bland, tender crust and absolutely zero chill — read: hold — when you try and pick it up,” added one more, begging the question why was this person trying to pick up chocolate cream pie, a 100 percent plate food.

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2: Lauretta Jean's, Chocolate Cream pie, $34

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

3402 S.E. Division St. and Southwest Sixth and Pine, laurettajeans.com

Score: 34

The top two pies had two key things in common: presentation and well-made crust. Both pies came in glass pans, which contributed to their superior look and crust composition. They both had gorgeous, fluffy tops with nicely distributed chocolate garnish.

We tried not to give these beautiful pies an edge, but the truth was, they just tasted better.

And they cost more, naturally.

Lauretta Jean’s chocolate cream pie was three of the testers’ favorite pie, but failed to reach No. 1 because two people really, really didn’t like it, ranking it last and second-to-last. The problem was a taste in the chocolate.

“The filling was bitter,” one wrote, “I wanted to spit it out.”

“Awful pudding but good crust,” wrote another. “This pie is America.”

Others liked the unusual taste and thought it might be booze or another secret ingredient. But a baker at Lauretta Jean’s said there is no secret, just two types of chocolate, including unsweetened Van Leer chocolate that probably accounts for the bitterness.

The flavor of the chocolate contributed to the lightness of the pie. While many chocolate cream pies fall into cloying sweetness, Lauretta Jean’s floated just above too sweet, with elements like the cream, an almost savory crust and a little bitterness balancing out the sweetness inherent in chocolate cream.

“Flavor-wise,” wrote one judge, “it’s 9/10.”

That flavor, wrote the judge, was “complemented well by the good whipped cream and flaky crunchy crust under shards of real chocolate.”

The crust was “an almost perfect looking end crust, golden and flaky” with a little more chewiness underneath.

“The one I want more of,” summed up one tester, which is an extreme compliment after eating so much chocolate cream pie.

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1: Random Order Pie Bar, Chocolate Cream pie, $38

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Dave Killen

1800 N.E. Alberta St., randomordercoffee.com

Score: 40

There can be, of course, only one winner. And in the chocolate cream pies contest, the winner was clear. Even after the dust had settled and the entire office was invited to eat the remaining (large amounts) of chocolate cream pie, only one pie that was finished before the afternoon was out: Random Order’s flavorful, not-too-sweet, flaky-crusted masterpiece.

It didn’t hurt that this pie looked very nice. The light, fluffy cream was shaped in peaks and dusted with chocolate powder.

“Hands down the prettiest pie, with a peaked cream distribution that reminded me of a Nerf spiral football, sprinkled with a lovely dusting of fine chocolate shavings,” wrote one pie reviewer.

“The chocolate has a thicker texture and a ruddy, muddy flavor — I wish it were a little bit brighter, but at least you know it’s real,” they continued. “The cream is just about perfect.”

Another taster remarked on the pie’s “pots de creme flavor,” and still another called the creamy filling “nicely textured.”

Almost everyone agreed that the crust was just the right flakiness throughout, browned to a perfect color and texture. Tasters also liked the pie’s balance, remarking, “good ratio of cream to chocolate.”

It was the cream that won it for Random Order. “Cream is light and not too sweet,” one taster wrote.

“The cream is just about perfect,” another wrote.

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Two pies were disqualified because they were too unlike the others. One we could do without; the other was so good we had to tell you about it.

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Village Inn, French Silk pie, $12.69

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

Multiple locations, villageinn.com

We hoped that this Village Inn pie would be close enough to chocolate cream pie to join the rankings but alas, French silk is not chocolate cream. What makes it different? Well, the sweetness is amped up to a different planet, basically.

Instead of cream, the pie is topped with some closer to buttercream frosting. It looks like pie, but really, it’s more cake.

Most of our tasters did not like this pie. However, there was one outlier who truly loved this pie. “Very chocolatey, nice crust,” the French Silk pie lover wrote, “and I like the silky topping that’s different from whipped cream.”

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Baker and Spice, Chocolate Cream tartlets, $5.25 each

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Dave Killen/The Oregonian

6330 S.W. Capitol Highway, bakerandspicepdx.com

If we had allowed this adorable Baker and Spice tartlet into the competition, it would have won by a landslide.

“This pie is too good to be included in this competition,” wrote one taster. “Best pie crust.”

“This was the best of the bunch, hands down,” another reviewer concurred.

So, what made it so good? The chocolate cookie crust, for one, that was crunchy and sweet, without being overpowering. And then there was the chocolate filling, which one tester said, “had a nice balance of bitter and sweet.”

The whole tiny pie was topped with “a nice little button of whipped cream,” and “chocolate shavings.” Even after eating seven slices of cream pie, almost all the tasters enjoyed this bit.

But, alas, it was too small and too different to be included.

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Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian

Ultimately, it turns out that chocolate cream pie, while occasionally delicious, probably shouldn’t be eaten in bulk. In an email after the tasting, one of the judges wrote: “Probably I will never eat chocolate cream pie ever again.”

“Thanks for that,” they added. “Sincerely.”

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-- Lizzy Acker

503-221-8052

lacker@oregonian.com, @lizzzyacker

Follow @lizzzyacker

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