COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed. “Let me give you the tour,” the 29-year-old said, opening the front door of his residence to reveal a living space full of such egregious warning signs as a framed hockey jersey, dozens of empty plastic liquor bottles atop his cabinets, and two and a half years of Maxim back issues. “It’s not that much, but the price is right. Here, have a seat on my futon [that also serves as a bed].” In spite of the many cautionary signals visible in Fitzgerald’s apartment, Powell reportedly decided to stay overnight anyway, as Fitzgerald either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care about her own obvious red flags of texting throughout their dinner conversation and the ankh tattoo on her wrist.

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