This just in: Not all the Jews in the world want to live in Israel. I’m sorry if I’ve caused Diaspora Minister Naftali Bennett to choke on his omelet this morning or get some coffee up his nose.

About eight million Jews live today in countries that are not Israel. There is no way of knowing how many of them would jump at the chance to move to the Jewish state – but Minister Bennett does not care. From his point of view, every Jew is a treasure, an asset that can be placed at any time on the local demographic scale, or at least used to promote the goals of the government of Israel.

What are the government’s goals? Let’s not quibble. We’re here, you’re there – if you don’t come here, at least say good things about us there. As Jews, it is your obligation to speak in one voice. We’re not in the shtetl; the days of “two Jews, three opinions” are over. Don’t split hairs or ponder things over. If, at the age of eight days, you ran into a mohel, you’re ours – if you want to be, and especially if you don’t. With all due respect to your independent lives, for the Diaspora minister (and for the prime minister, as well) you’re just sleeper cells waiting for that phone call at 3 A.M., for the code word that will put you into operation. Red Sheet!, or Color Red, or Red Meat, the computer will decide.

Take an example from Pollard – a man who didn’t forget what it is to be Jewish. His hairstyle might be outmoded, but his heart, his warm Jewish heart, continued to beat strongly, even behind bars. What have you done for the state? Did you give Benjamin Netanyahu a standing ovation at AIPAC? Did you donate a television room to an air force base? Nu, really, that’s what you call sacrifice? Where’s the sweat? Where’s the knife between your teeth?

You met some shikse in college and decided that love was more important than any conversion? Big mistake. That’s why we expedited the establishment of an anonymous government corporation that will take care of people like you. Don’t worry, everything will be done pleasantly. But let’s be clear. Your Jewish foundation is being undermined and you’re reciting poetry at a Reform synagogue with a female cantor who used to be a man. What did you expect, for us to sit idly by? Forget it. We’ve all been drafted for life, and only death will release us from the ranks. You’re here for us, not the other way around.

We don’t want to hear your opinion about a place where an ultra-Orthodox man comes to a Gay Pride parade, stabs marchers, and a month after he gets out of prison goes back to the same parade and stabs again – this time fatally. We don’t care what you think about Jews who burn a Palestinian baby and father to death.

What are you mumbling there? You’re in pain? No problem, a little pure oil and everything will go smoothly.

Get this into your heads: Israel needs Jews who are ready to go all the way, like Pollard.

There’s no point in whining or telling us how nicely you have been able to fit in. We know everything. How your kids are doing in Silicon Valley, and how your great-grandfather came from Odessa in 1889 and worked his fingers to the bone to make a living in a sweatshop. Get real. Your beautiful life with the garage and the basement is just a temporary safe haven. You won’t be able to run from us, Jews. As the poet said: With the tears of mothers, bereft of their children/And the blood of pure babies/With mortar we will join the bodies with the bricks/And raise up the building of our birthright.