I just got home from the train station. Again. Ugh I swear this gets harder and harder every time!

I hate that we can’t spend more than a day or two together at a time… But we’re trying. Xander’s coming here next weekend, at least. And as stupid as it sounds, I’m already counting down. It just really sucks not being able to see each other every day, you know?

One of the downsides of having a boyfriend, I guess…

Man, it’s still so weird to say that! You’d think I’d be used to it by now. It’s been like a month since I went to Paris the first time, but sometimes I swear it feels like it was only yesterday…

Okay wow. Did I seriously just write that? That was so damn cheesy! I think all this ‘feelings’ crap is starting to turn my brain to mush. I KNEW this whole thing was a terrible idea!

Okay, I’m kidding. Mostly.

Still, I can’t help but have a few “oh god was this really the right thing???” moments every once in a while. Sometimes I start worrying about stupid little things… But it’s getting easier. Especially when we’re together.

Which isn’t often enough, unfortunately.

It’s not even the distance that’s the problem, really. Our schedules are totally opposite of each other — he has weekends off, I work every Saturday and Sunday… Unless I ask Charlotte for it off, like I did the first time he came to visit. But we just started getting ready for the next production, and I’m pretty sure she’ll sneak into my apartment and murder me in my sleep if I even THINK about asking for a day off.

We’re making it work the best we can though. I did some sightseeing around Paris while Xander was at one of his music editing workshops. It wasn’t nearly as fun without him, but it was a good way to pass the time, at least.

And last time he was here, Xander tried to sneak backstage to see me while I was at work, but nobody was buying his “lost pizza delivery guy” act (probably would have helped if he knew German…) so he sat at my place and hung out with Gucci til I got home.

Yeah… Not ideal, but we’re doing the best we can. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, things haven’t really changed TOO much between us since we decided to start this whole ‘dating’ thing.

I still fangirl over all his videos and leave comments all over his YouTube channel. He still asks me for help coming up with outfits for some of the bigger music videos he’s planning (and trust me, he still needs all the help he can get… ha!)

And of course we still talk ALL the time. I guess our Skype sessions are a little more, um… interesting than they used to be though. We’re still getting the hang of this whole ‘long-distance sex’ thing, but we’re having lots of fun figuring it out.

Nothing’s as fun as when we actually get to see each other though. And no, I don’t just mean the sex (though that’s pretty fucking amazing…). It’s just different now. When we’re together I feel something that I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt before. It’s the best feeling in the world.

And there’s a part of me that knows exactly what to call that feeling. In fact, I came like, TERRIFYINGLY close to actually saying it out loud when we said goodbye this morning. But I didn’t (Probably because there’s also a part of me that’s still screaming and kicking her feet in protest, so… It’s a work in progress).

Like I said, there are still times when this whole thing scares the shit out of me. I don’t really have any idea what I’m doing. It’s like that time Onkel Tam tried to troll me and Zelda back when we were kids — dumped our poor level two characters in a level ten dungeon and laughed his ass off while we freaked out (yeah, that was the last time Z ever complained that her dad’s DMing was ‘too boring’)

So yeah, I’m basically trying to figure all this out as I go along… And trying so hard not to think about the future either.

But we’re down to about five months now. That’s when Xander and I both finish our Masters degrees.

Which means that’s also when his time in Paris is over. Which essentially means all those things I’ve been terrified about could finally come true.

Xander keeps saying we’ll figure things out. He promises we’re gonna stay together no matter what. And I guess all I can really do right now is believe him. Worrying about it is just gonna make the next five months miserable. And that’s the last thing I want right now. I just wanna enjoy our time together while we still can.

I know, I know — that all sounds so negative, right? But I guess the part I haven’t mentioned yet is… I know it’s all worth it. When we’re together I just KNOW. No matter what happens from here, having the chance to be together, even for just a little while… it’s worth it.

My Oma was right. I would’ve probably regretted it my entire life if I didn’t go through with this. And that’s what I told her too.

She’s the only one in my whole family who knows about me and Xander… Part of that stupid fear I still can’t quite shake. Telling my family about him feels like it’s jinxing it or something. Like, it makes it so REAL. So I’ve kinda been holding back…

Zelda and Jace know though. I basically HAD to tell them, after how much they’d been pushing me to go for it. And they were both really happy for us… Except now they tease me all the time about how much they ‘ship’ the two of us, and how they wanna meet him the next time he comes to visit.

But I’m still not sure if I’m ready for that…

Ugh! This is so annoying. I thought I’d be over all this stupid worrying and stuff by now, but I guess I’m not. Not completely, anyway.

All I can say is thank God for Xander. He’s still so understanding about how ridiculous I am with this whole ‘relationship’ thing. He’s pretty much the one thing keeping me sane right now (even if he’s also the one thing driving me insane too, in more ways than one).

Anyway, I swear I’ll figure out how to do this thing eventually. And I think I’m finally starting to get the hang of it, slowly but surely…

Like I said, it’s still a work in progress.