Horses were my first love. When I was six I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted one. So my parents got me one. It was my first fashion accessory.

I loved everything about the Spice Girls. Their clothes, their music, their manufactured artificiality. But I especially loved the fact they showed women could become celebrities without having any talent. Here's a couple of photos of me completely naked.

My favourite book is Lolita because I just adore the pubescent teenaged girl look. It rocks. I also like the Edie Sedgwick look. How many drugs can one girl take? Never enough, because taking drugs looks really, really cool. Kate Moss is the hippest woman alive. Fact. Here's a photo of my best friend, Misty.

Getting dressed in the morning can be the most difficult thing ever. You have to, like, remember where you are, get out of bed and decide what to wear. My tip is to get someone to phone Chanel and get them to send over a selection of their latest collection. That way you can be sure what you're wearing is clean. You're welcome. Here's a rubbish doodle of mine.

When buying new Converse, make sure to get the sales assistant to rub a bit of mud on them. Though obvs only Cotswolds mud. Anything else makes you look common. Isn't it strange how my hair always looks best the night before I have a hair appointment booked for the following day? Though, on reflection, this could be just because I have a hair appointment every day. Then I expect you do, too, so you know how I feel. Here are some more photos of me looking amazing.

I love men. By men, I mean famous men. Jeremy Irons is dreamy. And I fancy all the Beatles equally, but if I had to choose one of them it would be Mick Jagger. Here's a photo of him that I didn't take. My biggest influence has been Jane Birkin. Probably because she has never done that much either. Here's a photo of her.

This book is beginning to completely fall apart, isn't it? But I haven't really got anything to say. Have you noticed how many pop songs are about break-ups or being generally bummed out? How weird is that? The thing about being heartbroken is that it feels like your heart really has been broken. When I don't feel I have the answers to all life's problems, I type my questions into Google. It's uncanny how often you can find out something useful. When I last typed in "Help! I'm really, really unhappy" the first thing that came up was: "Go to the Caribbean and get wasted with your really cool friends for three weeks." Here's a photo of me in sunglasses. CRA-ZEE!

My mum is the coolest mum in the world. Whenever I break up with a boyfriend, she tells me to go out and shag someone else. How cool is that? I don't seem to have a photo of my mum.

Sometimes my male friends get really depressed. That's because they don't have enough leather jackets. You can never have too many leather jackets. I've got 25 at least. I really do believe that if everyone in the world had 25 leather jackets, no one would be unhappy again ever. Here's a photo of me in one of my leather jackets.

Some people become doctors. Others win the Nobel prize and shit like that. The woman down the road does my nails, though I find it very annoying I can't update my Twitter status to #havingmanicure when I am actually having a manicure – because I can't use my phone and have my nails done at the same time. Someone should really think of a gadget to get round that. We all have to realise what we are best at and go for it wholeheartedly. I do nothing. Here's a photo of me doing nothing.

I so love Karl Lagerfeld. He is literally the funniest guy in the entire world. He needs to be looking like the way he does.

Digested read, digested: Anyone know what Alexa Chung actually does?