If you're friends with Eric Andre, you probably know this already: He's not the person to bring your relationship issues to. "I give horrible advice," he tells Esquire. "And not just dating advice, just horrible at-life advice." With this admission we knew we had our hands full for this edition of Ask a Comedian, but we pressed on.

The star of Adult Swim's The Eric Andre Show and FXX's Man Seeking Woman, airing Wednesday nights, admits that at the moment he's single and not looking to settle down, but wanted to emphasize that he's far from the ranch dressing-addicted host he plays on Adult Swim or Mike, the superficial best friend of Jay Baruchel's love-starved character in Man Seeking Woman. "Mike has a lot more success with the ladies than me, though he likes women with no self-esteem," Andre says. "But he's so much fun to play. He's all the kids I hated in Florida growing up."

Now proceed at your own risk as Andre enlightens us with his answers to your dating questions.

My boyfriend doesn't like ranch. Is this relationship worth the hassle? —Naota's Dad

No. I think you should dump them immediately.

True or false: Once a couple is comfortable enough to go number-two around their mate, it's time to break up/divorce. —Derek Rowe

False. I had my ex-wife take a shit on my chest. So maybe you're asking the wrong guy. It's all good, you have to be comfortable in front of each other. That's what a real relationship is. If you don't come to that comfort zone that's a problem in your relationship. I mean, you need boundaries, but fuck that.

My girlfriend gets grumpy sometimes and won't text me back. What should I say to get her talkin'? —Chris Arnold

Say "I'm breaking up with you" and see how she reacts. Then don't answer her texts for a while and then text her again and say, "Okay, I'll get back with you."

Would you recommend I watch The Eric Andre Show with a girl as a first date? Also, is 12:15 a.m. a weird time to have a date? —Dick Bigems

No. I would definitely not recommend a woman watching The Eric Andre Show as a first date. That would be a shameful experience.

What's the most cliché date I can bring someone on? —D Malborough

Taking them to Cheesecake Factory and then go home and watch The Notebook with them and just start fingering each other.

How do I make love? —Mark Box

With your penis and your vagina. But really any hole will do.

Eric, I want to make love to my lady with Aqua's debut album Aquarium playing, but she says "No, you're a man." Advice? —SEFD

I don't know what the fuck is going on. I can barely wrap my brain around that goddamn question.

My boyfriend only appears on solstices and is less of a human and more of an orb. What? Why? How? Is that okay? —Luke

What is he a warlock? No, that's not okay.

In one episode of The Eric Andre Show you told Julie Brown that you've "never even hugged a girl." Have you improved since? —J.S.

No. It actually went backwards and my penis shrunk into my body. It looks like a little turtle back into its shell.

If I'm using a girl for sex and her apartment, does that make me an asshole? —b

Yes. But maybe she's using you for your, you know, penis, and some snuggling.

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