SPECIAL REPORT: Beards of TNG

Hey guys, Anna here. We are super-duper excited to have a SPECIAL REPORT from an expert in one of my personal favorite things, BEARDS. Art Allen will fill you in on his credentials below. Please enjoy this foray into the follicular landscape of the faces of our favorite crew.

Well now, what’s this bearded man doing writing for a fashion blog? Well, I do a beard contest every year, and I have watched Star Trek: The Next Generation basically all the time since I was six. So excuse me for having opinions, because I do.

Plus, beards are a sort of fashion piece. Beverly even says so in the episode “The Quality of Life” when Geordi grows a badass beard.

The producers knew if they let him keep the beard they’d have to give him top billing and name the show “Geordi Laforge and His Bitchin’ Beard in Star Trek: The Next Generation”

But not all beards on TNG have been badass.

This is a facial hair style that has yet to catch on, even in Minneapolis.

Take, for example, this dude.

This is Argyle. You don’t know this about him, because they only insinuate it through body language, but Argyle is actually the product of this one time when O'Brien and Riker traveled back in time, managed to get into some Aldebaran whiskey, and Riker said to O'Brien, let’s make a baby, and now their child now works on the Enterprise with them/is the same age as them. That’s who that dude is.

And even Riker’s beard isn’t exactly exciting. Thomas Riker’s beard is better.

See how it goes up his cheek? Why wouldn’t you always do that? Come on!

But let’s talk about Thomas Riker’s beard for a minute. And really, let’s call him what he really is: Cave Riker. When Cave Riker was trapped in his cave, he was clean shaven. It’s clear that’s not an eight year beard, because even Borg Universe Riker (presumably growing for only four years) has a much longer beard:

What actually happened was the Borg just made everyone move to Portland.

But when Cave Riker is rescued from his cave by his replicant, his beard is nice and trimmed. Even his neckline is nicely trimmed!

Chin beards are out in 24th century cave culture.

When a Starfleet officer is stranded, he is advised to keep a neat neckline in case he meets Space Hotties.

Even the back of Cave Riker’s neck is neatly trimmed. I’m pretty sure he found a talented barber elsewhere in the cave, but things were too weird with meeting his replicant so he didn’t have time to recommend him to everyone else.

But really, Riker just has a regular beard. It’s boring. It has a flat edge, which doesn’t anger but also doesn’t dazzle.

The most overlooked beard on TNG is Worf’s. In that same poker game where Beverly Crusher says beards are an affectation, Worf says, I’m not concerned with fashion. To a Klingon, a beard is a symbol of courage.“

Bullshit. You know who hasn’t overlooked Worf’s beard? Worf.

Liar!

[Note from Anna: I think I speak for both Charlie and myself when I say that we likely would have captioned this with a WERRRRRKK or a HEY GURRRRL]

Worf is so concerned with fashion that he spends his idle time sitting five feet off the ground (presumably so Alexander can’t see what he’s doing up there) starting at himself, twirling his mustache. Worf wants so bad to be evil that he actually has to practice it.

That’s a chair, Worf. Chairs are for sitting. Beds are for lying.

The absurdity of that chair has been discussed, but let me just put a point on it and say that chair is only used by Worf for twirling his mustache, and you know what? I think he deserves it. It’s an unconventional style, sure. But Worf loves this mustache style so much, it reminds him so much of Kronos, that he wears it for fifteen years without changing it up. Let that Klingon twirl his mustache without judgement, Beverly.

I’m going to put Klingon-strength Rogaine on your phaser hair remover, Doctor.

Look at that thing. Or should I say: look at those things. Worf’s ‘stache-nubbins are stout and far apart enough to each be considered on its own. Presumably one indicates Worf’s warrior status and the other symbolizes honor in death, but I’ll be damned if Worf ever lets us know which is which.

I do have a theory for why Worf’s mustache–and indeed all Klingons’ mustaches–exist only at the sides of the upper lip, and it is this: Klingons, like humans, breathe through their nose; however, Klingon breath is so foul that is burns the hair right of the skin.

But you know who else doesn’t think beards are an affectation? Everyone, eventually.





The dream of Portland is alive in the 2390s!





A fine, distinguished Everyone’s Dad in 1986.

That’s right. Even Data grows a beard, because he know’s it’s the thing to do. But both Troi and Geordi are so overcome with sexual lust that manifests itself as giggles that they must remove themselves, and in a scene cut from the aired version of the episode, Picard orders Data to remove the beard because it’s too pleasing.

And Data’s good luck streak with facial hair continues when he wins the shit out of this guy, who thinks he’s all that but does not realize that, in fact, Data is.

I say, is it the heat, or would that android look better with a beard?

But Data does not always have good luck with facial hair. When he got amnesia, he lost the ability to be on the lookout for a grumpy-looking man with a thick mustache.

Dude. You helped Wayne, why you gotta be mean to Data? They both want the same thing: to be human.

And everyone saw it coming. That man’s face is in a permanent frown, and that centurian slug is the exclamation point of his ever burning rage.

As is this trimmer, summery centurian slug.

I got this mustache from the Dollar Store. I only paid a dollar for it!

Art Allen is a writer and beard contest (among other things) producer in Minneapolis. He loves beards and Star Trek. Follow him on Twitter: @punsultant