October 22, 2014 — The country is still in shock this morning, a week after seeing the first images of “Marcia,” a tween who was held captive in a media laboratory for her entire life. The subject of a market research experiment gone horribly awry, Marcia had no contact with the outside world, except for a Netflix account — the sole source for everything she now knows about language, society, and humanity.

Now free, Marcia is in good health, but doctors say she suffers from a rare linguistic disorder called SCP (Sporadic Catchphrase Paraphasia). This interview, published exclusively on Medium, is Marcia’s first public appearance since escaping from the diabolical laboratory, which she described as her “woman cave.”

Medium: Thank you so much for talking to us, Marcia. America is completely obsessed with your harrowing escape from the grips of binge-watching. Everyone wants to know: Are you okay?

Marcia: Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

Oh. Are you watching Friday Night Lights?

Set in the fictional town of Dillon, Texas, Friday Night Lights is a critically acclaimed series depicting a high school football team. Low ratings plagued the show’s first two seasons on a major network, but zealous Connie Britton fans were delighted when the series was renewed by DirecTV, which is Netflix for rural feral children. This premium programming is a constant presence at the top of my queue!

Yes, it was a good show but —

You may think that, but I couldn’t possibly comment.

Are you now quoting Francis Underwood from House of Cards?

A Netflix Original, House of Cards is an American political drama series —

Yes, we know House of Cards. All of America binged on it before canceling their free one-month trial.

Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Indeed. So let’s start again from the beginning. Marcia — may I call you Marcia? Is that your real name?

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Okay, got it. Can you describe your life in the laboratory?

It was a time-shifting experience. Instant availability of huge digital archives created crippling decision anxiety. And the constant pressure to work through the queue was immense.

Terrifying. And how old are you now?

Variety recently announced that I have been renewed for a twelfth season.

Congratulations, Marcia! All of your fans want to know, did you see your captors? Do you know what they were studying?

No, but I occasionally overheard them talking. Gibberish phrases, mostly.

Like what?

Like “capture cord-cutting behaviors,” which frightened me. Also, “study emerging Gen Z multiscreen viewing habits.”

Sounds like Comcast was involved. Did you try to escape from the laboratory?

Resistance is futile.

Are you saying that cable companies resemble The Borg from Star Trek?

That’s what she said.

Is that a yes?

The tribe has spoken.