— Have you seen a Disney movie before? Okay, then you get the basic idea of The Nutcracker and the Four Realms. We have a beautiful young woman. There’s a dead mom. The young woman goes on a long journey of some kind to learn that the greatest villain of all is not believing in yourself. She comes home and teaches her family to communicate. Roll credits.

I had never seen The Nutcracker and the Four Realms until I walked into the AMC Southpoint with my daughter on Tuesday night and yet, somehow, I had seen it a million times before. This is an attempt to give the classic Nutcracker story a Harry Potter or Narnia overlay, because everything has to be a franchise now.

In this story, Clara is a tinkerer. Her mother, Marie, was a brilliant inventor. Maria has recently died from disease-iosis but, in her weak state, apparently had both the time and energy to write her three children each a note in beautiful calligraphy. Her oldest daughter, Louise, receives Marie’s favorite dress. The young brother, Fritz, receives tin soldiers. Clara receives a silver egg with the note “everything you need is inside,” but there is no key to open the egg.

She takes the note and the egg with her to Dosselmeyer’s (Morgan Freeman) Christmas party. He tells Clara that her mother was the smartest and most creative inventor he ever knew and that she always told him Clara was her greatest creation. I guess we can assume Marie didn’t care for her other children.

In order to find the key, Clara goes on a journey that takes her to the four realms of a magic kingdom created by her mother. There she is told that Mother Ginger, leader of the Land of Amusements, want to move against the other realms and take control of the kingdom for herself. Clara is the only one that can stop her.

Alright, let’s stop there with the recap only because things get really complicated from here. Here’s what is worth noting. First, Keira Knightly plays the Sugarplum Fairy. Now look, I am not complaining.

I have been in love with Keira Knightly since I saw Bend it Like Beckham, but either this role is beneath her or her star has fallen hard.

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms may have the look of a blockbuster, but it’s a blockbuster put together out of pieces from Dollar General. It’s like the way The Phantom Menace looked the first time you saw it. Everything is so shiny it looks cheap and crappy. It’s got the kind of look of a movie financed by some foreign oil heir and starring like…David Schwimmer.

Now, there is ballet in this. You can’t make a movie based on the most famous ballet ever and cut out all the dancing.

It is just only there for about ten minutes instead of the film’s full run time, like the 1993 version starring skilled dancers and Macauley Culkin for some reason.

There are some interesting visual choices in this movie. The Mouse King is truly the stuff of nightmares - like full on adult nightmares that will make your skin crawl. It isn’t scary per se, just incredibly gross. Also, there are clowns in blackface. I’m not sure why they’re in blackface, but Megan Kelly will be thrilled that they are.

If you have kids that want to go see The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, it isn’t so objectionable that you need to say no.

It’s just formulaic and unoriginal. Substitute the young British girl playing Clara with a Hawaiian girl, and this is basically Moana with snow.