THE Real Housewives of Melbourne are back from their Mexican holiday this week — and still discussing the great feud burning between Gina and Lydia.

In an Albert Park cafe, Gina and Lydia sit down for a post-trip post-mortem.

“The new sheriff in town? Go for it doll, if you want to come in with guns blazing, your flat shoes and your legs spread like a bloke, go for it,” Gina says of her newest rival.

“I’ve got to convince her that I’m not a bully? How about I just show you that I am. You wanna see bully? Get over here, I’ll show you friggin’ bully,” she fumes.

Ah yes, nothing says “not a bully” quite like threatening to bully someone.

Talk turns to Janet, who memorably told Gina to “go drown in the pool” on the last night of the trip.

“She’s 60! Drunk. The oldest one from all our group. You’d think she’d be wise,” says Lydia.

Gina describes her as a “drunk old lady who’s drunk herself into a coma.” She means it as an insult but it actually sounds like a pretty solid retirement plan.

Last week’s recap: Racism allegation rocks Real Housewives

Also this week, the big night is finally upon us. Celebrity psychic and I’m A Celeb contestant Jackie Gillies’ first-ever ‘Shine It Up’ event — a public speaking engagement she earlier admits she has not prepared for at all. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

Waiting in the wings as some 300 people file into the room, she says she’s “nervous as s**t.” You and me both, babes.

Wisely, she’s boozing them up on arrival:

While she may have eschewed preparation, she still understands the importance of a powerful show-opener.

Here’s how Jackie Gillies greets her audience:

“HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO THE MIC’S NOT WORKING MIC’S NOT WORKING OH NOW IT IS LET’S DO THIS!”

Within seconds, she’s off the stage and doing some crowd work: “EVERYBODY UP, UP!” she screams as her yet-to-be-hit single Shine It Up blasts from the speakers and she grinds on members of the audience.

“DO IT! DANCE! NOW!”

Truly, she is the Kim Jong-un of motivational speakers.

From there, she moves seamlessly into the inspiring monologue portion of the evening — or at least, as seamlessly as she can when she’s visibly puffed from all that cardio.

Her speech is a hodgepodge of vague new-age self-help advice: Unlocking the power within through a combination of positive affirmation, vision boards and, umm, pre-mixed spirits.

She confesses that at her lowest point she prayed to the heavens above, calling the big man upstairs a “f**king c**t” like some potty-mouthed version of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.

At some point in all of this Janet starts crying, perhaps because the bar is now closed:

Soon she’s moved on to the ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not John Edward’ portion of the night, stalking through the crowd and stopping in front of especially weepy vulnerable women to give them psychic readings.

“Do you see me being happy?” one young lady asks hopefully.

“Course I do! You’re only unhappy because you CHOOSE to be unhappy!” Jackie bellows at her. FOLKS, IT IS JUST THAT SIMPLE. JACKIE GILLIES HAS CURED DEPRESSION.

We’re at Lydia’s next, where she’s having a trial run for her “cooking classes” (we use the term loosely; she doesn’t cook and nobody learns anything) and has invited a couple of special guests: Gina and actor Michael James Scott, a Broadway performer who played the Genie in the Melbourne run of Aladdin.

“Michael is a new friend. He is the Genie from Aladdin,” says Lydia, and there’s a wide-eyed earnestness to her delivery that makes me unsure she knows he’s an actor and not an actual genie.

Gina’s given a champagne on arrival, and from her first sip, we’re reminded yet again that she’s really not much of a drinker:

But she persists, and literally three sips later, Gina Liano is pissed. She’s taking over the kitchen, trying on comedy props and then surlily demanding her meal like it’s 4am in a kebab shop after a big night out: “COME ON LYDIA BRING THE FOOD ON.”

This seems to be the episode for everyone to hock their business ventures, because next we’re with Venus, who’s holding a make-up masterclass to launch her cosmetics range. She’s going make-up-free, and she’s asked her Housewives guests — Jackie, Gamble and Gina — to turn up entirely fresh-faced too.

She’s confident that Gina will turn up sans make-up.

Venus, you’re obviously new here.

Gina, of course, saunters in painted in full Gina Liano drag: “I never go anywhere make-up free doll, you know that,” she shrugs.

Good on Jackie and Gamble though, both adhering to the request.

This isn’t just a make-up tutorial, though. Like Jackie’s event, it’s also a self-help seminar, with Venus telling the audience that the “power of contouring” lifted her out of a bout of depression after the birth of her daughters.

On one side of the room is a giant picture of “who Venus was at that time” — an unairbrushed photo of the then-new mum in a hospital gown, awaiting breast augmentation surgery:

Moving to the other side of the stage, Venus reveals another giant picture: “Then I decided I wanted to be THIS!”

Her messages seem confused — she says a boob job made her feel better, then says she’s not saying anyone else should get a boob job, then says she’s here to talk about make-up, then says it’s what’s inside that really matters? Whatever, just buy the lipstick people.

As Venus gets a full face of slap applied, she says she knows some people think she looks a little … strange. “People think I’ve had my eyes pulled to look like a cat, but it’s just the power of make-up,” she trills happily, a sentiment relatable perhaps only to Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Then it’s time for Gamble and Jackie’s Venus-style makeovers. Here’s what Venus does to Gamble’s face:

Then there’s Jackie, whose ‘Rose Hancock’ make-up job Gamble finds so funny, she later makes it the screen saver to her phone:

Next, Janet, Jackie and Gamble go for lunch, with Janet revealing she’s had a rough couple of days. She had a fight with her partner Sam and ever-so-briefly broke up before reconciling. Lydia and Gina, it emerges, have already sniffed out this gossip and have been spreading it far and wide.

“I have it on pretty good authority around Toorak that Lydia has been saying things about my relationship,” she tells the others.

GOOD AUTHORITY. AROUND TOORAK. Of course Janet delivers that line with grave authority, as if reporting on a gangland war.

She’s not happy. “I was going to apologise for calling her fat and dumb. I must be insane.”

Insane, sure — but thin!

Finally this week, we’re at Gamble’s house for a séance, as she attempts to learn more about the grumpy spirit inhabiting her wine cellar (it’s totally Pettifleur).

Venus and Janet are the only ladies brave or stupid enough to attend. They’ve even got the Ouija board out, but attempts to communicate with the spirit are quickly derailed.

“Who are you”? asks Gamble, and suddenly their fingers are jerking all over the board: L-O-R-D-C.

Venus freaks out. Lord C? Lord C is her husband’s great-grandfather — the person he inherited his aristocratic title from.

Oh my god, the ghost of ‘Lord C’ is in the room, that DEFINITELY wasn’t Venus moving the board with her finger in a ploy to remind people she’s an actual ‘Lady’ because it hasn’t been mentioned for a couple of episodes!!!!

Gamble’s not happy. Venus is clearly breaching Ouija board etiquette here.

“I’m trying to work out who’s in the basement. I feel that your Lord fellow has just crashed my séance,” she pouts.

Now it’s Janet’s turn to use the Ouija board. What message will she attempt to extract from the spirit world?

Fingers at the ready, voice trembling, she begins.

“Did Sally ... call Gina … a wog bitch…?”

Their fingers trace along the Ouija board: It’s a no.

Gamble looks at the others sheepishly.

“I ... might have had some control over that.”

Next week: Jackie gets the keys to the city of Newcastle, Gamble records a song, and Venus bursts into tears at her daughter’s fourth birthday party. Fab.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Wednesdays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel — check news.com.au right after each episode airs for our full recap. Chat all things Housewives with recapper and understudy for the monkey in Aladdin Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.