Because details are the essence of good storytelling, here is your obligatory update on Charlie Sheen’s Porn Stars And Chili Peppers Jamboree from yesterday: Party pal Kacey Jordan played embedded reporter, tweeting a (NSFW) photo of her crotch from the scene, then providing an eyewitness account to TMZ that elaborated on yesterday’s rumors of a “designer briefcase full of cocaine” (it was a nice, "professional" Gucci satchel, according to Jordan), and added her account of a marathon screening of porn in his home theater. (“He has so much porn,” Jordan says. “I think that’s all he does is probably sit there and watch porn.”) Jordan also elucidated Sheen’s alleged plan to retire from show business, “go fucking crazy,” buy a $20 million, 27-room house, and fill it with a “porn family,” with Jordan playing the crucial role of “the blonde.” (“Of course I’m in!” Jordan says. “I want a blue Bentley!”)


Still, Jordan says she’s concerned Sheen might not see his dreams fulfilled if he keeps up this pace, saying she herself had to leave the party, otherwise she fears she also would have ended up in the hospital. Not that anyone necessarily wanted to get the hospital involved: Before dialing 911, someone from Sheen’s house phoned his neighbors, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills stars Dr. Paul Nassif and wife Adrienne Maloof-Nassif, to ask for medical advice. (The Nassifs, to their credit, did not get their own camera crews involved and instead immediately recommended calling emergency services.) And finally, the official explanation for Sheen’s abdominal pains: a hiatal hernia, which Sheen’s friend Steve Broderson says he suffered “while laughing too hard at the television,” setting up a big ol’ “He obviously wasn’t watching Two And A Half Men!” softball for every person on the Internet to knock out of the park already. Perhaps it was a late-night airing of Feydeau's A Flea In Her Ear, or one of Garrison Keillor's monologues. Anyway, Sheen is expected to be back at work next Tuesday, presumably having learned his lesson the hard way that he needs to take it easy on the giggles.