INDIANAPOLIS—Based on criteria ranging from frequency of exercise to wholesomeness of diet to general contentment, reports confirmed Tuesday that the livestock on display at the 2014 Indiana State Fair are by far the happiest and healthiest attendees anywhere on the premises. “Hey, look at that cow over there,” one fairgoer reportedly said, pointing out a prize-winning Hereford that, along with the several dozen other farm animals nearby, was more physically active, satisfied, alert, and more recently bathed than any human on the 250-acre fairgrounds. “Whoa, he’s a big fella. Get a picture of me with the cow.” Sources confirmed that, compared to other fair attendees, the livestock ate less food off the ground as well.

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