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Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling JUDGE SCALIA Even the SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM cannot stop Judge Scalia from his pursuit of pure judicial ORIGINALISM -- interpreting the constitution by gleaning the original intent of its drafters! 1868 Bingham: Ah, nice to relax with a glass of sherry after drafting the 14th amendment! CRASH! Bingham: Good lord! What's this? Judge: Shut yer yap, Bingham! It's Judge Scalia! Judge: Okay, punk: when you wrote the clause that all people will have "equal protection of the laws," did you INTEND it to include WOMEN and GAYS? Bingham: Wh...what are "gays"? Judge: Just as I thought! They're OUT! Okay, I'm off for one more fact-finding mission! Bingham: Do you mean happy people? 1789 Judge: James Madison! Face front, shorty! POW James: You, again? Judge: "Right to bear arms!" You mean that every INDIVIDUAL has that right, correct? James: Yes, I mean that INDIVIDUALS can own single-shot muzzle-loading firearms! Judge: Huh? But you also intend to include revolvers, semi-automatic weapons, assault rifles... James: What a REVOLVER? Judge: AH, I'll take that as a YES! Okay, time for a snack. See ya soon, Jimmy 1889 Naples, Italy Judge: The inventor of pizza! Say, you don't consider CHICAGO DEEP-DISH to be PIZZA, do you? Waiter: What is a Chicago? Judge: Ah, delicious originalism! Judge Scalia's Judicial Ethics Corner Judge Scalia, is it okay that over six years, my wife received $700 thousand from a conservative group, while I listed her income on disclosure forms as "none"? - Justice Clarence Thomas Judge: Clarence, "none" was the correct response. It's short for "None of anyone's damn business!"