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An American adventurer has been killed while attempting to make contact with the peoples of the remote Sutherland Shire.

“The young man ignored warnings and foolishly attempted to cross Tom Uglys Bridge and was cut down with a hail of arrows,” said anthropologist Wally Ware. “The residents of the Shire have never made contact with outsiders despite many efforts in the past to introduce them to civilisation.”

Authorities report that missionary Bob Kogarah hired an Uber driver to drop him off at Blakehurst, the closest safe point of land within reach of the Shire.

“A crowd of Shire residents gathered on the far bank of Georges River and started calling out “Fair Dinkum”, which we believe is their war cry,” said St George area policeman Ellie Warraline. “After shooting the intruder they celebrated with a feast of Paul’s Hamburgers and a long night of dancing at Carmens.”

Visiting the Sutherland Shire is illegal, due to fears that contact with the rest of humanity may lead to the indigenous population becoming infected with colds, flu and multiculturalism.

Peter Green

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Categories: Science