Alright, I know I’m interrupting your regularly scheduled programming of Prison Island and story arcs, but sometimes I just don’t have as much time as I’d like to devote to things. Plus Chris told me I had to write something or he’d say something mean about me on Twitter… (or maybe I’m making that up).

Regardless, I am going to take this week to talk about a requested topic, and that is… how do spells affect the campaign and living on a ship? Being able to summon blocks of tofu is pretty powerful when you have no food on the ship… of course, blocks of tofu aren’t quite as delicious as salted mystery meat with hard tack and salted beans… though I can get you several great recipes to use tofu in. It’s great… but not by itself.

Fucking Clerics

Now a lot of this will be coming off of of divine spells, though arcane casters are just as much to blame for handy spells to have on a ship. The difference though is divine users can select their spells from a huge list, arcane are more limited. If you have a cleric or druid, get ready to hear their multiple arguments about why the crew would just love to eat another block of tofu today instead of some hardtack and wine… penny-pinching druids.

Cantrips

Also known as 0-level spells, which is a pretty stupid term if you ask me. Why do we even have level spell names? Maybe they had it right when they called them circles…

Gust

Gust allows you to push things around with air. This biggest thing it has going for it is that you can push a medium creature back 5 feet, and some people may look at that and then at the ship with huge sails. Some may even have the idea of just casting gust non-stop for a day. Unfortunately for them, the ship weighs over 5 pounds and so the gust has no effect on it.

If you allowed Gust to help speed up the ship, it would cause a huge headache as to how many miles they are traveling and how that would affect days and what not. The best advice I can give on this spell is just to say it doesn’t work strong enough to propel a ship forward. Now if you had a 100 druids casting Gust… that might prove effective…

Prestidigitation

I’m going to reflavor all the food so it’s tasty! Unfortunately for your players, they can only flavor up to 3 cubic feet of nonliving material. So unless they are willing to follow every sailor around constantly flavoring the food… it’s not going to help morale.

Shape Water

You ever notice that the D&D world is based on grids? Most people assume its because its a game and we need an easy sense of size for things, but in actuality the world is literally made out of 5’ cubes and how dare you try to tell me it isn’t! THIS IS MINECRAFT BUT WITH DICE AND MAGIC!

Much like Gust, this spell just isn’t powerful enough to propel the ship fast enough forward.

1st

I’ve never been a fan of the Vancian magic that D&D continues to implement in every edition (except 4th). Why can a 20th level wizard only cast 4 - level 1 spells? It makes no sense… long live spell points! (See the DMG for more info)

Animal Friendship

You can convince beasts that you are friends with it! This is the perfect time to whip this out on those asshole sharks who keep attacking your ship. Or on that super tasty looking whale… all you have to do is convince it to come just a little closer and to not pay attention to that harpoon in your hand… Whales weigh 30 to 120 tons, while that does include the bones… Pretty sure there is still a good bit of meat on their bones. This would be a great way to get fresh food on to the ship… though it’ll pry spoil a lot faster without enough salt to store it properly. You need 6 grams of salt per pound of meat, which translates to 26 pounds of salt per ton of meat. Have fun!

Fog Cloud

This is a great way to hide your small boats from pirates… the only problem is that a moderate wind will dispel the fog. Probably whip this bad boy out when there isn’t too much wind and only on small boats as it doesn’t keep spreading out.

Goodberry

A fantastic way of making the exploration tier in D&D useless! Each of these 10 berries can be consumed to nourish one person for a day. An average size crew for our warship is 40 men plus the party plus up to 60 occupants. One could argue that they can supplement the meals with a good berry but the crew isn’t going to appreciate losing out on their wine in exchange for a tiny berry. If the crew is forced to eat only goodberries, expect the morale to drop on board the ship.

Purify Food & Drink

Have you ever looked at spoiled meat and thought to yourself… I can still eat that? You are probably a cleric then. This spell is great for making food safe to eat, though it says nothing about the taste. I’ve never wanted to taste rotted tomatoes or meat before, and I’m sure the crew on board doesn’t want to know either. I’d allow this to work (with a few casting due to having to make a lot of food) but the chef has to make a Cook’s Utensils check with disadvantage to make it taste any good. The crew isn’t going to be happy with their rations if it tastes bad. On a failed check, the morale decreases on board. DC could be 10 + number of days eating the ‘purified’ rotten food. After 3 days of purified food, it would be a DC 13.

Speak with Animals

This spell has so much utility, that I’d always have it prepared. Who doesn’t want to chat with the sea birds about where islands are or ask the dolphins where the best fish are. Unfortunately, it has a single day that they can recall information from so you can ask questions, but they may not be helpful. If my players wanted to ask Mr. Bird where the closest island was, I’d roll a d20 to see if Mr. Bird saw an island in the last day. On a 15 or higher, I’d roll on the Island Coordinates Chart to determine where he last saw an island.

Or maybe my party wants to talk to the big old shark trying to chew through their ship. This is a perfect time to start throwing rations overboard and talking Ms. Shark down. It has a lot of fun utility, and I’m sad it doesn’t get used as much as it should.

Unseen Servant

If you are told to swab the deck and you create an unseen servant to do it for you… are you being lazy or incredibly smart?

2nd

I remember when I first started D&D and I was so excited to get to 2nd level so I could get new spells… only to find out that you don’t get 2nd level spells until 3rd level… fucking confusing names.

Calm Emotions

Imagine if you will a crew angry and hostile and attempting a mutiny. Now imagine the cleric quickly trying to calm everyone down. Now imagine a minute later and the spell ends, and the crew realizes that their emotions were being messed with the same way that their old girlfriends in high school would mess with their emotions… Now imagine the cleric getting mutinied against.

While I like this spell… I have to worry about the ramifications of casting it when it only lasts for a minute. Feels a bit weak to me.

Cloud of Daggers

This has nothing to do with sailing, but a great strategy for this spell is to have a grappler in your party. Then have a grappler grapple a creature inside a cloud of daggers. Then just watch the floating garbage disposal go to work. Horrifying

Gust of Wind

Another wind spell, and it is still just not strong enough. While it isn’t a single action, it is a full minute but it doesn’t scale in level. If you are a 20th level wizard, first off why are you taking a ship when you could teleport, second… even if you spend all your spell slots… it would still last for under 30 minutes which just isn’t enough in the grand scheme of things.

Healing Spirit

Nothing to do with sailing, I just hate this spell. Its so completely broken.

Magic Mouth

Oh the shenanigans of Magic Mouth. Cast this sucker on the figurehead of the ship, hopefully a sexy mermaid! Set the trigger to be whenever a bird lands on it or something, and it’s just the sound of screaming. Or maybe you are more childish than that, and the trigger is whenever a wave gets too high and splashes it, and the figurehead starts complaining about how it is getting wet and how come no one cares. I’m sure the crew won’t want to kill your wizard after a day of that.

3rd

The power tier! These spells are exciting to get too! Mostly cause it means I can finally pull out the stronger monsters and the party is less focused on rats and more so on city-wide problems.

Create Food & Water

Now the real breaking of the exploration tier comes into play. You can create enough tofu and water to sustain 15 people per casting. Out of a crew of 40 plus a party of 5, that’s 45 people total or 3 castings. That’s doable by 6th level, though no one is going to be thanking you for tofu when they could have salted pork with salted hardtack and salted beans. This is a good safety spell in case the food runs out, but it is going to decrease the morale the same way that having half rations decreases the morale.

Tidal Wave

FUCK YOU OTHER SHIP WITHIN 120 FEET OF ME! This is a fun spell to whip out during combat. If you are close enough to another ship, you can summon the tidal wave on the deck of their ship pushing all of their crew off the top deck, or summon it on the water and have it slam into their ship! This is a good way to start damaging their hull and sending them to Davy Jones’ Locker!

Water Breathing

This is a great alternative to getting scuba equipment… though that reminds me, I should totally make scuba equipment an item you can buy in this adventure! Who doesn’t want to wear a scuba suit? Which also reminds me I need to redefine what happens when you get too deep in the water. Pressure at great depths is enough to make your eyes pop out, we should have that in our games as well! I’m thinking 1d6 bludgeoning per round spent under 1,500 feet.

Water Walk

Hey-oh! Who needs a ship when you can just travel across the ocean with the two boats that god gave you! Of course, it only lasts for an hour, but if you have a level 20 Cleric they can cast it up to 19 hours a day! That means you only have to swim for 5 hours! You can’t beat that! (except with a ship of course)

4th

Only characters level 7 or higher need apply…. get it? It’s a joke because you have to be level 7 to cast these spells… its funny! And it is only getting funnier the more I talk about how funny it is!

Control Water

Finally a spell that deals with the water and is actually useful on a ship! Though, please don’t use it on your own. That 25% to capsize is going to slow you down way more than any huge wave that propels you forward will speed you up. It is a great spell to cast on enemy ships, though those are classified as gargantuan. Luckily, creating a whirlpool under their ship is a great way to send them to the rocky bottom of the ocean… just gotta get past that Damage Threshold of 10 with 2d8 bludgeoning… whew, that’s rough.

That’s All For Now

Thank you for joining me as I explore the different spells and how they might affect your journey. I know this isn’t what most of you were expecting, but I promise next week to get back to prison island! And who knows, if people like this well enough… I still have a few more spell levels I can yell at and talk about how you could use it in your own ocean adventure!