SILVER SPRING, MD—Following months of research into the psychedelic compound’s effects, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Thursday that psilocybin could significantly reduce the risk of mindlessly following society’s rules like a fucking lemming. “After numerous clinical trials, we can state with a high degree of certainty that ingesting small doses of psilocybin greatly decreases the chances of blindly marching in lockstep like a bunch of goddamn sheep being led to the slaughter,” said FDA Chief Scott Gottlieb, noting that brain-scan data collected from a double-blind study indicated that a 3.5-gram dosage of psilocybin could greatly enhance the probability of busting open the doors of perception and freeing users from their mind-prisons. “We found that study participants were far more likely than the general public to cut the marionette strings that had been controlling them their entire shitty lives. In addition, test subjects also entered a heightened state of awareness of the fact that the entire social order is a sick fucking joke perpetrated by the man.” Gottlieb cautioned that not all the results were as positive, however, noting that many users experienced a deep depression resulting from watching the masses sleepwalk through life like pathetic automatons.

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