Sorry, Love Is Blind – there's a new horrific Netflix reality dating show in town.





"Oh good!" said no one.

Too Hot to Handle takes place in a luxury tropical retreat filled with Instagram influencers (I'm assuming) looking for love but – plot twist – they're not allowed to kiss or do sex stuff!





So it's kind of like Love Island meets early puritan America.





Or the worst Sandals holiday ever.

The show promises to be a 'sex challenge like no other'.





Now, I don't know if I'm doing isolation wrong but, like, can you name any other notable sex challenges? What 'other' sex challenges is this sex challenge particularly different from? What is the mainstream sex challenge format from whence this sex challenge has so innovatively strayed?





If you can help me out with this, please name your favourite well-known sex challenge in the comments. Don't be gross, Dave.





Anyway, there is $100,000 up for grabs but – another plot twist – this money goes down if they do.





I'm so sorry. I feel ashamed. Here's a picture of a banana hammock I mean a regular hammock.

I'm not 100% sold on the premise. Like, how hard is it to just not have sex? Nigel Farage has been doing it for years.





I'm hoping there's more to it. Like maybe some volcano sacrifices or something. Let's find out!





Episode 1 opens with a sexy voice saying, "If you were in paradise, with these people..." before cutting inexplicably to some footage of a lizard.





I would *love* to be in paradise with this lizard.





Oh right, there's more. "If you were in paradise with these people and had to resist sex, could you?"





...these people?

According to the voiceover, no one can keep it in their pants these days because of Tinder. Everyone is super horny 100% of the time even the Queen.





So 2H2H has taken the horniest people in the world (that are also conventionally attractive – I can guarantee that the actual horniest people in the world have much more of a basement vibe) and put them on an island where they can't have sex. The intention being to see if they create real connections faster, deeper, and harder.





Like its contestants, this show is full of fillers. To save time, I'll be skipping past the myriad shots of scantily clad bodies in outdoor showers or emerging from water in slow motion or crawling seductively across the beach.

Oh my god stop it!

There are also a lot of catchy nicknames for the show's central concept. In just the first three minutes we hear 'Bang Ban', 'No Bone Zone', and... 'No Sex Sucker Punch', which... I mean I guess they ran out at that point? I'll be coming up with some of my own instead.





In a satisfyingly dystopian turn of events, we also find out that the island is controlled by a souped-up Amazon Echo called Lana.





So it's more like Love Island meets Pilgrim America meets Wall-E?





Lana is everywhere on the island, lurking in every room, her throbbing LEDs gently pulsating as she perves on the unwitting sexy singletons.





Apparently, the contestants are going to have 12 hours of getting to know each other before they find out about the snatch catch (thank you, that's one of my own). During this time, Lana will eavesdrop on them and 'gather personal data' without them knowing.





Just like a real Amazon Echo!

Let's meet the contestants!





First up is Chloe.

The first thing Chloe does is whisper 'alcohol' and crack open a bottle of champagne so I like her already.





I'm hoping she doesn't play up to the tired Essex girl trope but then she claims she's 'not the brightest spark in the book' so fuck it.





Chloe can see someone coming (lol) and says she hopes it's a sexy boy. "Who are you expecting? Jeff from finance?" comments the VO sarcastically.





No, she was definitely expecting a man called Sharon.





It's pronounced Sha-RON, by the way but I am going to call him Sharon in my head.





Apparently, Sharron considers himself a feminist. He took women and gender studies at college.





Swoon, right??





Yeah, he says, it kind of gave him the blueprint to picking up women.





FUCK YOU, SHARON.

Sharron's proudest accomplishment is his penis, which he says is the size of an air freshener can.





Air Wick or Glade, though?





Next in is Haley, who looks super happy to be here.





Cheer up, Hales. You don't even know about the cumbargo yet.

Haley says she's in a sorority. To be a sorority girl you have to be really outgoing and fun, says Haley.





She then talks about all the awesome frat parties she goes to like the one where a girl broke her neck.





Kappa Kappa Downer

In better news though, Haley is bisexual, which means this is one of those rare reality dating shows that acknowledges the existence of LGBTQ+ people.





I'm not saying it's going to be *great* for representation but it's a start.





Two more men are here! David, a Londoner, and Australian Harry.

Who is 12?





Harry says he's a bit of a cockatoo (?). I guess one syllable out of three ain't bad, Haz.





Londoner David immediately gets out his own suncream from seemingly absolutely nowhere and offers to put some on Chloe, who he just met. It's like fairytale romance, people.





"I was on the tube going to work and he started rubbing SPF30 on me out of nowhere. Long story short, we're married!"





David ponders how to describe himself. "How do you describe the quintessential British gentleman?" he asks, before giving himself this hashtag:





...not like that, David.

Next in is Canadian Francesca.





Introduction complete!





Ooh hang on, there's a creepy pervert hiding in the bushes!





Oh no, it's just new contestant Manbun.





There is some discussion about what is underneath Manbun's hat. It's got to be a manbun, right?





Oh shit I called it right from when he was in that hedge!

Manbun is everything you think Manbun is going to be. He calls himself a deep thinker, he doesn't believe in monogamy, and he wants to 'spread his seed' in order to 'roll the dice of his genetic build with different women and races around the world'.





All in all, he's a few crystals short of a eugenics convention.





Two more contestants called Rhonda and Nicole have arrived.





Nice to see a bit more diversity in body shape.





Oh no, wait, it's these two.





Boring.





UM I've just realised that the voiceover on this show is an actual comedian called Desiree Burch. Her entire job is to make fun of these ridiculous people on this shit reality TV show.





NO WORRIES, TALKBACK PRODUCERS, I WAS BUSY ANYWAY.

Another person arrives, whatever.





I mean it's not like I literally already do this shit for fun or anything.





That's all the contestants on the island now I guess.





It's like, did they even read my Made In Chelsea blog? I'm sorry if I was *too* funny or something?

You can fuck off with that look as well, Lana.

The group starts to discuss who they fancy.





Rhonda has her eye on David and Sharron. She says she wants to jump on them like a baby cheetah and just pull them into her web, you know?





No I don't know, Rhonda, because I was actually listening in Biology.





Francesca, on the other hand, just wants to lick everyone.





I had a hamster like that once but it was just because it had a salt deficiency.





It's time for the contestants to pick their beds. Of course, there are a limited number of double beds that they will have to share. Harry says the beds are perfect for 'the kind of carnage he wants to do to Francesca'. Rhonda wonders whether the Lana bot is a machine for pumping out pheromones to make them all get 'real wild'.





How the fuck was this show advertised to these people?

Outside, Manbun is in the fountain, having a mild drowning.





Oh no, quick, someone save his genetic seed.

David and Rhonda like each other so they have a not-at-all organised chat on some sun loungers.





Rhonda is still on this baby cheetah flex. She says she knows what she wants and she goes for it, just like a baby cheetah.





Baby cheetahs, notoriously entrepreneurial.

Oh god he's going to suncream her, too. He just straight up puts suncream right on her arse after about 30 seconds of small talk.





We shall call him David, The Premature Creamer.





Kelz and Manbun are also having a completely organic conversation. "Who do you like?" reads Kelz, off his script.





Manbun says he likes model-looking girls who are skinny.





Wow, such spiritual, much unconventional

Back at the sun loungers, Sharron asks Rhonda to sit on him. Then he puts her whole face in his face.





Now that is baby cheetah.





A quick break for whatever the fuck this is:





Yep?





...and it's nighttime, which means FYAH FYAH FYAH!





Fyaaahhhh!





Fyah behind a baskeeeet!





Fyah up cloooose!





Fyah far awaaaaay!





Everyone gathers around the fyaah for what seems like about five minutes of very awkward dancing.





Je suis Nicole.

That very rapidly stops and they move onto 'Blindfold Game". The first rule of Blindfold Game is: do not talk about Blindfold Game.





Just kidding, it's actually: 'do whatever you want to someone while they can't see you'.





Why has nobody gamified sexual assualt before now??

In a timeline that makes absolutely zero sense, the girls are somehow now getting ready... again?





Harry and Francesca are also now in the bedroom making out, wearing different outfits than they were four seconds ago.





"Look, we have the budget to make our own Amazon Alexa or hire a professional editor, which is it?"

Anyway talking of Economy Echo, she wakes up and tells everyone to gather somewhere. It's time to find out about the impending interDICKtion (it's a word, look it up).





They all meet on some sofas, now in loungewear because chronology is for losers. Lana tells them that they're all slags and that she's here to teach them how to develop real emotional connections.





To encourage this, she announces the $100,000 prize money.





The truest romance always comes from financial incentive!





Finally, Lana drops the No-Fuck bombshell.





In case you need sound effects, it's kind of like "Oh my gaaad whaaaaat no waaaay"

Lana clarifies: no kissing, no heavy petting, and no sex.





No heavy petting?? THIS IS BULLSHI- oh no, wait I get it.





That's not all though, there'll be no self-gratification either.





"Fuck!" yells David, "I knew that was coming!"





Unlike you for the next month hahahaahaa ugh





Money will be taken off the prize any time anyone does any sexy stuff.





"Gah, this is going to be hard!" yells David, who didn't learn his lesson the first time.





Just in case you still don't understand the premise of this incredibly simple show after this, the seventeenth explanation, we get a handy graphic to make things clearer.

Plottwist Sexban, isn't that the guy who was in Sherlock?

Wait are they allowed to have sex or not? This show is just too subtle and complex for my liking.





I guess we'll have to wait for the next episode to find out! See you there?































