It’s back baby. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’ve written publicly until my wife, who I proposed to…had a two year engagement with…and married since I last wrote a post started getting on me about picking this back up. Fair warning, I’ll probably be rusty but still mean because I haven’t quit my day job and still work in a restaurant, which means I take being called a “fucking serial killer” as a compliment.

If you haven’t read this blog before I’ll start each season by judging the contestants just off of their pictures and names (hoo boy there are some doozies this year) and guess facts about the women. After I finish writing, I’ll go back and see how I did. For each episode, I’ll try to get a recap up by Thursday at the latest. So without farther ado, let’s get it:

Victoria P.

Victoria P. looks like someone cloned a blonde Bachelorette contestant in a test tube. The horrific orange top tells me she lives somewhere warm. The pointlessly exposed navel tells me she doesn’t have a lot going professionally or with her personality. The mom jeans point to her wanting people to think she’s more mature and ready to settle down than she really is. Victoria P. is a 24 year old Orlando Magic cheerleader and she would cheat on you in a heartbeat with any member of the bench or coaching staff.

Victoria is a 27 year old nurse from Louisiana. She’s a former pageant girl whose dad died at a young age and surviving family struggled with drug addiction. I have a feeling she’s going to make it far if that much personal information from her bio is out there already. Screw it, she’s my pick to win it all or end up as the next Bachelorette.

Victoria F.

Oh honey, you are way too normal looking for this show. You’re gonna get chewed up and spat out by the women who came on this show to advance their careers and the truly insane women who show up actually looking for love. Victoria F. wears functional clothes and looks vaguely ethnic. She’s a 25 year old dental hygienist from New York.

Victoria F. is a 24 year old medical sales representative from Virginia Beach. After being dumped she started working out and got a breast enlargement, which she refers to as her “REVENGE BOOBS.” I was wayyyyyy off here. This woman is insane.

Tammy

Why? Why on Earth would any woman choose to be named “Tammy” unless you’re 45 and make your living by speaking to the manager or the drunk alter ego of a 20 year old? Tammy can feel her mid to late thirties roaring up on her and she’s willing to shank a bitch to win this thing. She won’t. Not even close. But she seems like the type of woman who is going to drive the drama until the contenders become clear. Tammy is a 33 year old teacher from New York.

Tammy is a 24 year old house flipper from Syracuse, NY. OK, so she has a rich daddy. She joined the boy’ wrestling team in high school and ended with a 7-1 record. She doesn’t make it clear if she was wrestling guys or if other wrestling teams had women for her to compete against. Either way it’s a lock that she’ll try to wrestle Peter.

Sydney

Sydney looks spunky. She’s going to make it far, but not because she’s an actual contender. Sydney is going to thread the needle of being just cute and interesting enough that Peter can’t get rid of her but not threatening enough that the other women throw her under the bus. Sydney is a 27 year old meteorologist from Chicago.

Sydney is a 24 year old retail marketing manager from Birmingham. Just say you work at Best Buy. It’s fine. Peter won’t judge you and will probably be stoked for the employee discount. One of her hobbies is planning future vacations for her future boyfriend. RUN PETER

Shiann

Girl. I appreciate the “don’t give a fuck I just threw this on” as much as anyone but this ain’t it. I can obviously get down with not wearing a bra but there’s a time and a place and this pink potato sack at a professional photoshoot is neither. Shiann is a 28 year old nurse from Houston.

Shiann is a 27 year old administrative assistant from Las Vegas. Shiann has had trouble dating because every man in her past has ended up ghosting her, liking her friends more, or having a wife and kids. Damn girl, you know how to pick them. She’s either incredibly boring or a homewrecker. Either way, pass.

Savanah

Damn. Savanah is not playing around. She’s showing up in lingerie and misspelling her name and doesn’t give a FUCK what the other women think. She has villain written all over her. She’s going to be extremely forward with her sexuality and it’s going to terrify the rest of the house. Savanah is from the South but not close enough to Georgia for her parents to know how to spell her name correctly. She’s a 29 year old attorney from Nashville.

Savanah is a 27 year old realtor from Houston. She had an on-and-off relationship but he couldn’t be romantic with her and she ended things when he slept with her friend. I’m taking this to mean she was pushing him to do things in the bedroom that he wasn’t remotely comfortable with and he found an easy way out.

Sarah

Look, I know mom jeans are in but holy shit, ladies. Sarah looks like she already has two kids named Kayden and Jaysen who are both biters. She has a LIVE LAUGH LOVE “rustic” sign she bought off of Etsy in 2018 displayed above her farmhouse dining table in her $3000/mo loft that her parents cosigned on. Sarah is a 28 year old event planner from Tampa.

Sarah is a 24 year old medical radiographer from Knoxville. Sarah loves being outdoors, reading, listening to podcasts, binge watching TV, and finding healthy recipes. That’s it. There’s nothing else there.

Payton

*Cringe* I’m sorry but there’s wearing too much make up and then there’s whatever Payton is doing. She looks like a clown hooker. I legitimately have no idea what her real face looks like and that’s a red flag holding a red flag. Payton is a 30 year old bartender from Atlanta.

Payton is a 23 year old “business development representative” from Massachusetts. I legitimately have no idea what job is other than to assume it’s related to scamming your friends on facebook. She broke up with her long term boyfriend because he was “jealous of her social life.” Translation: she was cheating on him and he caught her.

Natasha

Natasha didn’t come to mess around. She’s here for to win and has the literal and figurative sharp elbows to make it far. Natasha looks like she’s in great shape, which leads me to believe she’s a physical trainer. The hoop earrings are intense and make me think she isn’t afraid of wearing Timberlands and saying “deadass.” She’s 28 years old and from New York.

Natasha is a 31 year old event planner from New York. She’s never been one to approach a man but says she’s here to change that. Nah, she won’t. If she wouldn’t make the first move on a man in the real world, there’s no way shes going to do it when 30 other women have their knives out.

Mykenna

M-Y-K-E-N-N-A’s parents are THE WORST. I know the Gen Xers think they’re in the clear due to Baby Boomers being the reason the planet is going to hell in every way that matters and Millennials being the reason that it’s going to hell in every way that doesn’t but if my math is correct, “Mykenna” and all of the other horrible names we’re about to run into are the result of Xers who somehow managed to sell out AND remain pretentious dicks. Mykenna is a 23 year old grad student from Madison, Wisconsin.

Mykenna is a 22 year old fashion blogger from Canada. Her grandfather proposed to her grandmother on her first date, which isn’t as romantic as she thinks it is and sets the bar incredibly high for any man willing to date her.

Megan

I’m going to feel really badly if it’s because of a medical issue but I have to know if her boobs really look like this emoji:

I know it’s probably just the way her dress is laying or the angle or some other perfectly reasonable explanation but I want to believe. Megan is a 26 year old physical therapist from Orange County, California.

Megan is a 26 year old flight attendant from San Francisco. No, she’s not. No one can afford to live in San Francisco except for google executives and ex google executives who now run the weed industry.

Maurissa

“Maurissa” was intended to sound like an exotic “Marissa” but ended up sounding like someone mispronouncing an Indian Ocean nation. This name also has Florida written all over it. Maurissa is a 24 year old special education teacher from Jacksonville.

Maurissa is a 23 year old patient care coordinator from Atlanta. She dated her high school sweetheart for five years but dumped him when he told her he didn’t want to get married as quickly as she did. She THEN LOST 80 POUNDS AND IS NO LONGER LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE. That is a level of pettiness that few reach. Holy shit.

Madison

Madison looks like she’s about 6’4″. She has amazing SEC hair and definitely thought she would be married by now. She owns an overpriced floppy hat for every day of the week and HAS to go apple picking every fall. Madison is a 25 year old lifestyle blogger from Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Madison is a 23 year old foster parent coordinator from Auburn, Alabama. CHECK. She led her high school basketball team to four state championships. CHECK. She’s looking for a man who will prioritize faith and family above all else. CHECK. She really made this too easy.

Lexi

If you call yourself “Lexi” after the age of 11 you’re either a stripper or someone with seriously creepy daddy issues. I’m leaning daddy issues with this one. In contrast with Madison, Lexi looks like she’s barely tall enough to ride rollercoasters. Her hair color will help her stand out but not as much as when Peter realizes she comes from m-o-n-e-y. Lexi is a 23 year old grad student from upstate New York.

Lexi is a 26 year old marketing coordinator from New York. She had a long term boyfriend who she moved to NYC with but he ended the relationship so they could both pursue their careers. She obviously still has feelings for this guy or she would’ve roasted him like a real ex.

Lauren

Ah yes, the Michael Strahan boobs. There’s always one and they’re never who you’d expect. Lauren is posing in this photo like she’s about to simultaneously announce a pregnancy and an engagement. RUN PETER. If a woman poses like this in photos she’s trying to settle down immediately. Her eventual husband will find himself balding and crying on the couch wondering what happened within six months. Lauren is a 26 year old entrepreneur/pyramid scheme saleswoman from Atlanta.

Lauren is a 26 year old “marketing executive for a beauty company” from Glendale, California. *Blows smoke off of the barrel of my finger guns* Nailed it. She’s looking for a man who will “support her career ambitions” slash “sink more money into her pyramid scheme.” Get a real job.

Kylie

This is peak Kylie. There’s never been a more Kylie Kylie in the history of Kylies. Fun fact: there has never been a brunette Kylie. I really don’t know what she was thinking with this dress. It makes her look like a 7/11 hot dog at the end of the third shift. Kylie is a 26 year old nurse from Las Vegas.

Kylie is a 26 year old “entertainment sales associate” from Santa Monica. Entertainment sales associate sounds like what someone who worked at a pornographic movie theater puts on their resume instead of leaving a gap like a normal person. Her last boyfriend cheated on her constantly, which tends to happen when you date guys you meet at the 3PM showing of Avengers: Infinity Whore.

Kiarra

“Gentlemen, put your hands together for KiaRRRRA.” The dress says she’s classy but the name and the hair say she’s not. She obviously works hard at maintaining her image so I think she’s in the beauty industry. Kiarra is a 27 year old salon owner from Atlanta.

Kiarra is a 23 year old nanny from Kennesaw, Georgia. Both of her previous relationships ended because of “trust issues.” Spoiler alert: the 23 year old nanny is a cheater. She hates sports and loses her car keys constantly. Kiarra is simply the worst.

Kelsey

This dress isn’t flattering at all. She looks like a table cloth at a mom and pop Tex Mex restaurant. Having said that, based on what we’ve seen so far, she’s a contender. She’s an extremely generic blonde and that makes her a lock to at least make it to the first two on one. Kelsey is a 26 year old event coordinator from Dallas.

Kelsey is a 28 year old “professional clothier” from Des Moines. My wife tells me to put pants on when company is coming over and sometimes I pay for her meals so I’m letting her know she can add that job title to her resume. Kelsey has had her share of relationship issues in the past so she’s either insane or moves way too fast. Either way, she should be fun.

Kelley

There are implications with this sweater and I’m going out on a limb and saying Kelley is aware of them. She’s the type of woman who has a lot of guy friends and thinks its funny to fart on dates. Her face screams Masshole. Kelley is a 27 year old executive assistant from Boston.

Kelley is a 27 year old attorney from Chicago who claims she doesn’t need a man to take care of her. THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?!?!? She works for her dad’s law firm WHICH SURE AS SHIT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE BEING TAKEN CARE OF BY A MAN, KELLEY.

Katrina

Oh look, we upgraded Kelley. Katrina is probably the most naturally beautiful woman we’ve seen so far but there’s always a concern with brunettes blending in. Call it a hunch but I can’t see that happening to Katrina. She’s a 25 year old bartender from Tempe, Arizona.

Katrina is a 28 year old pro sports dancer from Chicago. Katrina’s family all married their high school sweethearts young and are pressuring her to get married ASAP. You do you, honey. Block out the haters.

Jenna

Super pass. There’s no way she’s making it past the first episode so I’m not going to waste any more of my time or your time. Jenna is a 29 year old pediatrician from Albuquerque.

Jenna is a 22 year old (NO WAY) nursing student from Lenox, Illinois. JENNA IS A LIAR.

Jasmine

Oh come on, at least make this difficult. Jasmine’s parents clearly named her after the Disney character so it’s a lock that she’s 26 or 27 years old depending on whether they saw Alladin in theaters in 1992 or rented it from Blockbuster in 1993, Jasmine is a 26 year old elementary school teacher from Portland, Oregon.

Jasmine is a 25 year old “Client Relations Manager” which is a job that apparently exists. It sounds like customer service with…ahem…implications. Jasmine is religious and wants to fall in love again so Peter should run as quickly as he can.

Jade

Again with the mom jeans. Try harder to stand out, ladies. The name Jade should keep her around for a while but her abruptly bad haircut is going to be what sends her home. Jade looks older than the rest of the cast but it could be a result of me misinterpreting her jeans. Jade is a 31 year old real estate agent from Minneapolis.

Jade is a 26 year old flight attendant from Mesa, Arizona. Jade is a mormon divorcee so she’s gullible and rash which should make for good TV. She’s working on getting her pilot’s license, which is something I would bet the producers will work in if she makes it far.

Hannah Ann

Look, JonBenet Ramsey’s death was obviously a tragedy but this is what would have happened had she reached adulthood and none of us want that, so thanks Burke. Hannah Ann is EXTREMELY Southern and EXTREMELY close to her father in ways that should probably have been investigated in the early 00s. Hannah Ann is a 25 year old esthetician from Mississippi.

Hannah Ann is a 23 year old model from Knoxville. She still lives at home and doesn’t have another job so she needs to lock a man down quickly. She claims she’s a talented painter and interior decorator. Neither one of these are true since she does them for free.

Eunice

Girl, surely your middle name is an improvement over “Eunice.” I don’t care if it’s a family name and your Grandma Eunice cured polio and prevented WWIII, you cannot go by “Eunice.” Especially when you look like John Kerry in drag. Eunice is a 28 year old server from Seattle.

Eunice is a 23 year old flight attendant from Chicago. She claims her family has never met any of her boyfriends because they’ve all been “bad boys.” I’m thinking it’s because they don’t actually exist.

Deandra

Vavavoom. I don’t know what it is about Deandra but she’s got it going on and I’m pretty sure she’s extremely aware. Deandra’s short nails and thick trunk tell me that she works out frequently but focuses on doing it in a way that won’t scare men off. Deandra is a 24 year old cyclebar instructor from Chicago.

Deandra is a 23 year old Home Care Coordinator from Plano, Texas. She’s going to be putting so many Boomers in derelict nursing homes so she’s ok in my book. She says her ideal man must be willing to spend the holidays with her family so she’s a huge fucking brat.

Courtney

Courtney has to be the oldest contestant and I’d almost be willing to bet my life on it. She carries herself like a rich aunt whose ex husband paid for her boob job while her current husband spends all day casually dropping racial slurs on the golf course while telling people on facebook he “doesn’t see color.” Courtney is a 31 year old “entrepreneur” from Nashville.

Courtney is a 26 year old cosmetologist from Venice Beach, Florida. She spends her time tanning, drinking, and boating but claims she’s tired of boys and looking for a man. Well, I’d recommend you stop acting like a girl, Courtney.

Avonlea

I’m sorry, what? This isn’t her name, her dad loudly sneezed when the hospital was filling out her birth certificate, right? A name like “Avonlea” screams Southern new money louder than an F150 that’s never seen dirt or a construction site. Avonlea is a 27 year old real estate agent from rural Georgia.

Avonlea is a 27 year old “cattle rancher”/wealthy white girl from Fort Worth. She has her degree in Ranch Management, which is definitely a Texas thing since Rick Perry took a class in college called “Meats.” He got a D. Avonlea is focused on family values, which is the polite way of letting normal people know you’re either boring or a bigot.

Alexa

She looks fun. Probably too fun for this show but she looks like she’ll be down for a few one liners. She’s really stepping up the mom jean game with the acid wash, making me think that she parties and has probably seen the back of a police car. Alexa is a 23 year old bartender from Chicago.

Alexa is a 27 year old esthetician from Chicago. She owns a waxing salon and considers herself a free spirit. So yeah, she’s done some drugs. She claims she’s not afraid of confrontation so she should be fun.

Alayah

Our final boss. Black mom jeans and a terrible name, Alayah has it all. Like Jasmine, I have to think Alayah was named after Aaliyah but her parents either didn’t know how to spell Aaliyah’s name or found out about Aaliyah being a victim of R. Kelly at the last minute and called an audible. She has *chef’s kiss* quintessential Yankee face. Alayah is a 24 year old hair stylist from Baltimore.

Alayah is a 24 year old “Miss Texas 2019” from San Antonio. She’s entered the Miss Texas contest four times and isn’t otherwise employed so the clock is fucking ticking for her to find a man before her looks go and she’s stuck focusing on her other hobbies, which include “hanging out with her gals on the San Antonio River Walk, drinking wine and giving back to her community.” Yeah, good luck.