Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.



George Orwell’s first rule in Politics and the English Language pleads for original analogies. His seminal, succinct essay turns 70 this year. For those seven decades, it has been every journalist’s bible. Oops, that’s not original. It has been every journalist’s great-great uncle: sage, cranky, irrefutable.

Disturbing proof emerged last week that every politician should also heed Orwell’s sharp linguistic counsel. Attempting a roast of the Australian Labor party’s economic plan, Scott Morrison’s awkward comparisons included a “Derek Zoolander economic plan” and then, peculiarly, “Taylor Swift’s 1989 CD”. Leaving aside that we now live in the age of the download, not the CD, it’s excruciatingly clear that the treasurer was one of those boys who excelled naturally at maths but tried really, really hard at English. When Orwell implored us to create unique similes, I doubt he envisaged ScoMo invoking TayTay.

George Orwell, human resources and the English language Read more

When it comes to politics and the Australian language, not all elected representatives have relied on laboured allegory. Some have exercised triumphant lexical dexterity. Paul Keating was the master of the metaphor-as-insult. His put-down to John Howard would make a drag queen envious, such is its unrivalled bitchiness: “He’s a shiver waiting for a spine to crawl up.”

He also called him a “dessicated coconut” but I think the drag queens can rest easy on that one – it just sounds like a new Pete Evans dish. Not so cutting. He semi-redeemed himself with his assessment of Peter Costello: “All tip and no iceberg.”

How can politicians be a Keating and not a ScoMo? By mastering the creative writing device used for the most eloquent cultural maxims ever written – the metaphor. In the delicious book I’ve Never Metaphor I Didn’t Like by Dr Mardy Grothe, there’s one for every occasion. It’s essential reading for every politician:

For cabinet meetings:

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and quietly strangled.” Barnett Cocks

For the power hungry:

I dread success. To succeed is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship.” George Bernard Shaw

For verbose ministers dodging questions:

He that uses too many words for explaining any subject, doth, like the cuttlefish, hide himself for the most part in his own ink.” John Ray

And not forgetting for the time when Australia’s environment minister, Greg Hunt, received the Best Minister in the World award:

Awards are like haemorrhoids – in the end, every asshole gets one.” Frederic Raphael

Which original metaphors would you use for the key themes and characters of this federal election?