Twilight exudes almost every quality that makes ‘haters’ furious with self-righteous delight. For the last few months every trailer, website or youtube post (4chan too but that’s just what I hear. My friend told me. I honestly don’t go there. I swear) that even mentions Twilight was riddled with comments that are either as or less clever than “Fuck this movie. Only faggots will see this movie.” Well, either the Internet was wrong (perish the thought) or there are considerably more gay people in America than I previously thought. Even when factoring all the contempt this movie provoked, it isn’t a surprise that Twilight made over $70 million on opening weekend. The movie’s success doesn’t rely on anything fancy like “character and plot development” or “an original concept.” It relies on the fact that it can trick an array of demographics to see it at least once, so clever that potential movie goers completely disregard the negative reviews: Fanboys – Really, any movie that involves super powers, spaceships that go “pew pew” with laser beams or dragon boners will at least receive mild attention from the fanboy demographic.

But what really puts Twilight over the edge is that it discovered the holy grail of fanboy plot lines: a teenager with a perceived miserable life (much like that of the demographic) is singled out as the “chosen one” by a magical/mystical entity and is rescued from their awful lives.The only way to make it “better” is if the main character is given fantastical super powers. Basically, it’s all a big ploy for teenagers going through an identity crisis (i.e. every teenager ever) to be able to fantasize about their lives not sucking; much like buying a lottery ticket does for the middle-aged. Harry Potter did it, every single Japanese movie/anime/comic does it and now Twilight is riding the “Guaranteed $60 million opening weekend” express. Get used to it. Anyone Who Wears Black Nail Polish – First of all, yes I saw South Park, so you can save your comments. Second, any movie about vampires let alone a teenage vampire love story is going to be a huge hit with this demographic. How else can you explain the success of Lost Boys? Cory Haim? I’d go into more detail about the vampire fetishes and sexual reenactments that usually accompany these people but unfortunately for them, so does obesity and bad skin. Yuck, no thanks on that mental image.

People in Bad Relationships – There are a large percentage of woman in bad relationships that will go to pretty much any movie with a Romantic plotline, and subsequently force their boyfriend into seeing it (hence the awful relationship). The woman can identify with the distraught female lead that is thrown into a conflict (metaphor for the conflict between her boyfriend’s fist and her eye socket). Also, the woman can vicariously live through someone whose boyfriend still wants to have sex with them. The boyfriend can rationalize being forced to see this movie by saying “hey, those fight scenes in the trailer looked pretty cool,” while also living vicariously through someone whose girlfriend still wants to have sex with them. Now, I’m not saying that any of these people would argue that Twlight was an enjoyable movie. I’m just saying that a lot of people will pay money to go see it once. And in Hollywood, that’s what’s considered a good movie.