I have never been a fan of the Christmas music typically played on the radio, even Christian radio. For most of my life, I was too embarrassed to admit it. The only time I would hear Christmas music that moved me was in church when someone would play “O Come O Come Emmanuel,” usually on a piano. I felt like that song captured the mix of emotions probably felt by those present at that first Christmas. There was elation at the birth of Jesus, but also uncertainty, doubt, and a world of brokenness. I had spent every December of my adult life wishing for holiday music that was more meaningful and captured both the sadness and joy that had been the experience of my life.

I have been a fan of Sufjan’s music since 2005 when I first discovered Seven Swans. In December of 2007, I was going through one of the hardest times of my life, and I set out on iTunes to look for some Christmas music that wouldn’t make me feel so isolated. Everyone around me was excited for Christmas, I was not, and radio Christmas music was a constant reminder of that. I thought maybe Christmas wasn’t for everyone, that it wasn’t for me. Because I was already familiar with Sufjan’s music, I bought Songs for Christmas as soon as I saw it and was pretty confident that Sufjan would deliver exactly what I was looking for. Songs for Christmas far exceeded my expectations and has been the soundtrack to my Decembers ever since. I purchased Silver and Gold as soon as it became available and have been equally thrilled with that collection of songs.

The first time I heard “O Come O Come Emmanuel,” one of the first songs on Songs For Christmas, I knew I had found something very special. I had never heard such a beautiful arrangement of the song, and the choice to use the banjo on such a melancholy song is wonderful. The lyrics of this song contain phrases of suffering such as “captive Israel,” “mourns in lonely exile,” “gloomy clouds of night,” and “death’s dark shadow,” but at the same time repeat the words “rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.” It’s a mix of sorrow and celebration, and isn’t that just like life and just like the human experience? And for some of us, this is also our Christmas experience.

Most of my Christmases have been a mix and joy and sadness, and that Christmas of 2007 is a perfect example. I was a single mom of two boys, going through a terrible divorce and not receiving much in the way of financial support, so I was working three jobs and still struggling to make ends meet. I had never set up a Christmas tree by myself, so I went to the tree lot, picked out a tree, and paid them extra to deliver it and set it up for me. The man who delivered it was not the man I paid, so when he arrived with the tree, he expected payment to set it up. I explained that I had already paid, but he didn’t believe me and left angry without setting up the tree. So we did the best we could to get it into the tree stand. It was noticeably crooked, and the night after we got it all decorated, it came crashing down. The baby Jesus broke off of the “Kneeling Santa” ornament, and I still have a clear memory of watching it slide across the wood floor far away from the tree and down the hall. I remember saying something along the lines of, “Even the Baby Jesus doesn’t want to stay around for this Christmas I’m trying to pull off.” But then came a Christmas miracle! I now refer to it as ‘The Miracle of the Christmas Dog Pee.’

We had two dogs, a good one named Beauty and a bad one named The Beast (it was actually Buddy, but he was a beast.) Beauty had a stocking hanging from the fireplace that said “Nice,” and The Beast had a stocking that said, (you guessed it) “Naughty.” The Beast was such a bad dog, and though I loved him dearly, dealing with his bad behavior added to my already stressful life. Also stressful was that Beauty was sick and taking steroids, which made her pee often and in weird places. She kept peeing on the rug right in front of the Christmas tree. Not on the wood floor where it would be easy to clean up.

Just as I thought I could not clean up another puddle again without losing my sanity, I noticed her pee was in the perfect shape of a candy cane. I called the boys in and we had a good laugh. The next time she peed I couldn’t believe my eyes and I called the boys. We all yelled at the same time, “A stocking!” It really was the perfect shape of a Christmas stocking. When it happened a third time, I knew it was a Christmas miracle. I called the boys again and we all simultaneously shouted, “An angel!” It was like she was peeing inside of those Christmas cookie cutter shapes. But I don’t think Beauty had any of those because she didn’t bake. The miracle was not the dog pee, but that we could still laugh in such dark times. We have other joyful memories of Christmases during those tough years, and Sufjan’s Christmas music was the soundtrack to them all. God always provided, not only gifts, a tree, and good food, but more importantly, laughter and love.

Sufjan’s version of “O Come O Come Emmanuel” is just one example of a song that exemplifies this mixture of joy and pain together. His original songs in these collections also do this so well, but I don’t feel I could begin to put into words how brilliant those songs are. I do know that he is vulnerable and brave with his own life and music, so it naturally makes us not feel so isolated. In life, we all have times where we are fearful and physically exhausted as I was and not unlike the teenaged mother of Jesus. But God gives us special gifts and little miracles to remind us to have hope. Sufjan and his music are among these special gifts God has given us who are fans. Joy and hope in the midst of our brokenness is the gift of Christmas, and it is for everyone.