It’s hard to separate actual appearance issues—ones that affect interactions with strangers and casual acquaintances—from bouts of idle vanity when each time I raise an issue I’m flooded with people telling me I’m wrong for thinking what I do. Flooded here is relative: it could be the volume of replies from different people or the vehemence of the replies from the single person I’m talking to. The net effect is the same: it eats away at my confidence in my own judgment, and I find myself uncertain about my very ability to assess my situation.

I understand the push toward inclusiveness and acceptance, and the idea that non-judgmentalism means not making appearance a moral issue worthy of value judgment. But there’s a marked difference between acknowledging the person’s state yet saying you love, accept, and respect them anyway, and implying that they are imagining their flaws.

For example, if I were to say “My nose hooks to the left,” that’s an empirical fact. It does. So there’s a difference between saying “Ok, but that doesn’t affect my opinion of you,” and “No it doesn’t, your nose is beautiful!” If a person said, “I need to get rid of this muffin top/spare tire,” would you reply “Good luck! What is your plan?” or “You don’t need to lose weight, you’re skinny enough already!”

There’s the pervasive notion that acceptance = denying any attempts at self-improvement by claiming it is unnecessary. To shut down a person’s self-judgment by denying the truth of their claim calls into question the person’s judgment and can even go so far as to delegitimize their agency over their own body. It’s not body dysmorphic disorder if the person’s body actually has the shape they say it has. A 250 lbs person calling themselves(not you, not a celebrity, not a stranger, themselves) fat and saying they want to lose weight is not cause to suspect their sanity and question their motives for getting in shape. They’re not a traitor to fat acceptance; they just find that state unacceptable for themselves.

I don’t want to discourage anyone who truly does not see what I see from making sincere positive remarks. I don’t want to tell people to never post compliments again for fear of crossing the line. I’m actually a little nervous about this post because of the chilling effect it might have; I’m not too proud to say that such encouragement is very important to me right now. I’d just like to ask that people refrain from saying things are all in my head. They’re not.