Sorry, But I Don’t See How Nyarlathotep’s Death Cult Is Negatively Affecting American Discourse

“One lesson to be drawn from recent Western history might be this: Sometimes the extremists and radicals and weirdos see the world more clearly than the respectable and moderate and sane.”

— Ross Douthat, New York Times op-ed, May 2 2018

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You know me, Jerry. I was a Never Nyarlathotep-er from the start.

Personally, I felt we owed Him at least a few weeks to see if the weighty mantle of President sobered up the Black Pharaoh to His new responsibilities, but after vomiting a Bile Army which ate through Duluth on a whim, it became pretty clear back on Inauguration Day that we were all in for one wild ride. So, believe me when I say I firmly agree with you that this kind of hideous cosmic indifference has no place in civilized society.

But that doesn’t mean we should throw away the First Amendment just because His death cult is calling for some “Abyssal Harvest!” They may be a bloodthirsty mob driven mad at first sight of the Stalker Among the Stars during His State of the Union a few months back, but they are still American citizens, dammit. Because we disagree with their worldview doesn’t make them any less our neighbors. They deserve a seat at what’s left of the table, like everyone else.

So, no, I don’t see any problem with the death cult’s High Priest getting a recurring op-ed in the New York Times. He worked hard to get where he is, and last I checked, this is still the country where, if you put in enough hard work, time, energy — and self-castration to please the abhorrent Anti-God, apparently — you can make it. The cult is a small but troubling percentage of our population, but we can’t just silence them because they call in eerie unison for a “Great Offering.” Yeah, if I was on the editorial board I might see about diversifying with another woman, or perhaps a person of color, or hell, even someone slightly left-of-center, but I imagine it’s pretty hard to quickly turn a ship as large as the USS Gray Lady. These institutions don’t change overnight. Unless Nyarlathotep wills it, I suppose.

Anyway, if you don’t like what the High Priest has to say, or how he says it, then don’t read the darn thing! No one is forcing you. Yes, Jerry, I know the words pulsate on the page, and your eyes are pulled towards those runic symbols you’ve never seen before yet somehow know better than your own native tongue. At least it’s more interesting than anything Friedman has put out in the last decade. Haha! But seriously, try not to read the Priest’s op-eds, if you can help it. Bleeding from your tear ducts stings something fierce.

Honestly, I think we as a society have forgotten the art of civil discourse. There was a time when conservatives and liberals could disagree in a debate, and then buy each other a round afterwards. Now everyone’s shouting at one another about how wrong they are, how destructive and inhumane their policies will be, how we should be investing our tax dollars into the education of our few remaining children instead of a massive ziggurat aligned with some extra moon that suddenly appeared in the sky last week. We gotta figure out how to agree to disagree again.

And, look, call me crazy for suggesting this — but what if guys like the High Priest and his death cult are right some of the time? Hey hey, calm down. I’m just playing Elder God’s advocate here. I know it might “trigger” some overly sensitive folks, but on a purely rhetorical level, it helps to try seeing things from their side.

Let’s take the High Priest’s most recent op-ed, for example: You say you want to reform drug sentencing laws and the visions to stop. Totally understandable; physical and mental consent are important. The High Priest has said on multiple occasions he’s all for doing away with ineffective prohibitions on recreational drug usage. I don’t think you can be anti-drug and pro-lacing our tap water with Nyarlathotep’s semen, that’s just hypocritical. So, look at that, you’re both in agreement there. In that case, maybe the waking nightmares are misguided, but get at some greater void-truth we’re too uncomfortable to admit? What if the High Priest stopped channeling the din of Azathoth’s son incessantly cackling in your head, and you tried willingly taking the death cult’s Eternal Oath of Horror? Society has always been hard on “outsiders” of any kind, and that ritual self-castration can’t be good for increasing their numbers.

No, of course I don’t agree with them, Jerry! It’s against the laws of this great country, the laws of sanity, and the laws of nature. But every idea is worth equal consideration, that’s what the op-ed pages are for. It’s only fair.