Donald Trump loves a deal. Hotels, casinos, golf courses, even small countries if the price is right.

The President’s latest grand scheme is to buy Greenland from Denmark. It makes sense.

Greenland is geographically part of the North American continent, situated strategically between the Atlantic and the Arctic.

There’s already a significant U.S. military presence, part of a global network of early warning systems.

Greenland also has a wealth of unexploited natural resources, including rare metals, oil and gas.

Donald Trump’s latest grand scheme is to buy Greenland from Denmark. It makes sense as Greenland is geographically part of the North American continent, situated strategically between the Atlantic and the Arctic

So Trump thinks it’s only logical to buy the whole island, lock, stock and smoked whale meat. Essentially, the President confirmed on Sunday, it would just be a ‘large real estate deal’.

Under the American flag, the 56,000 residents would continue to enjoy just as much autonomy as they do under Danish jurisdiction.

But despite the fact that they could also look forward to a much higher standard of living, they are adamant that Trump’s offer is one they can afford to refuse.

The President doesn’t seem unduly bothered, but he’s always on the lookout for the next big deal. May I, then, suggest that he sets his sights much, much higher and makes a bid for Britain instead?

Why not? With the pound plummeting towards parity with the dollar, Britain has never been better value.

Last time anyone looked, the net worth of the United Kingdom was estimated at £10.2 trillion. Given falling property prices and uncertainty over Brexit, that can probably be revised downwards.

Call it £10 trillion for cash. Trump would bite our hand off. It would be the biggest bargain of all time and wipe out the deficit at a stroke. What’s Greenland got that we haven’t? Apart from polar bears, that is. And ice.

For £10 trillion Trump would be buying himself the world’s fifth biggest economy and fifth strongest military. Our armed forces continue to punch above their weight and, according to recent estimates, are pound for pound more powerful than the mighty Chinese.

The City of London is the world’s greatest financial hub. Combined with Wall Street, the transatlantic behemoth would be invincible. Embittered pro-Europeans would squeal, but they could hardly object to loss of sovereignty, given that they want to shackle us in perpetuity to an anti-democratic federal EU superstate.

They certainly have no problem with our laws being made in Europe by foreign politicians and enforced by unaccountable judges. Nor with vast swathes of Britain already being owned by foreign companies and governments — everything from airports and railways to power companies.

We’re letting the communist Chinese build our next generation telecoms system and even talking about flogging off what’s left of British Steel to the Turkish army pension fund. Who thought that was a good idea?

London’s high-end property market is dominated by Arab sheiks, Russian oligarchs and assorted kleptocrats. So what possible objection could there be to throwing in our lot with a friendly foreign country — indeed, our closest allies?

Critics complain that it would mean us becoming the 51st State of the U.S. True, but why is that any worse than being a vassal state of the EU?

For a start, we wouldn’t be 51st State in terms of influence. We would immediately become the largest, by population, ahead of California. U.S. states have far more independence from Washington than EU members have from Brussels and Strasbourg. Indeed, your average small town mayor in America has more power than most British Cabinet ministers.

There’d be no need to negotiate a post-Brexit trade deal with the U.S if Trump bought the UK outright, writes Littlejohn

Just think of some of the other advantages. We’d immediately become self-sufficient in energy. The U.S. is now a net exporter of oil and leads the world in shale gas extraction. Under Trump, we too could start fracking on an industrial scale.

There’d be no need to negotiate a post-Brexit trade deal with the U.S, since we’d have automatic, unrestricted access to the world’s biggest market, 360 million people on top of our 66 million.

Far from trying to mete out a punishment beating and stopping us exporting to Europe, the EU would beat a path to our door, begging us to do business with them. And you can bet Trump would drive a hard bargain.

Any French fisherman threatening to cut up rough over quotas would quickly think again if he thought aggressive action would be met with swift retaliation from the U.S. Second Fleet, steaming up and down the Channel on fisheries protection duty, bristling with the latest deadly weaponry.

You can forget all this nonsense about the Irish backstop, too. Once we were webbed up with Washington, Lenny Verruca would be on the blower from Dublin, desperate to get in on the act, pronto.

It would also be make-your-mind-up time for Wee Burney and her SNP gang. They could either get with the programme, and let Trump turn Scotland into a giant golf resort, or opt to become an impoverished outpost of a crumbling, corrupt European technocracy.

My guess is that they’d plump for Trump Holyrood.

As for the Americans, they love the royals and would probably invite Her Maj to be honorary Joint Head of State — that is, until Meghan Markle was ready to run for the White House.

Of course, Boris could beat Meghan to it. He was born in New York and is therefore qualified to stand for the Presidency. World King beckons at last.

I started writing this as a joke, but the more I think about it, the more it appeals. What’s not to like?

The UK and the U.S. share a common language and America’s legal system is based on English common law. The ties that bind are far stronger than any allegiance we are told we owe to an often hostile Continental Europe.

Trump has only ever offered us friendship, free trade and support for Brexit, unlike our so-called European ‘partners’ who seek to humiliate us at every opportunity.

So come on down, Donald. Make us a deal and make it straight.

And if anyone doesn’t like it, I’m told Greenland is very nice at this time of year.

As I wondered recently, don’t these people ever take a day off? While all sensible folk are enjoying the summer holidays, for the politicians it’s monkey business as usual.

There’s been no let up in the scaremongering, squabbling and scheming to stop Brexit. It’s all noise.

But I couldn’t help laughing at the plot to install a so-called ‘Government of National Unity’ (GNU).

We keep being told that we are too thick to know what we were voting for. But we definitely didn’t vote for either Jeremy Corbyn or Ken Clarke to become Prime Minister, or for a women-only Cabinet.

If this is what a Government of National Unity looks like, I’m a gnu.

Prince Andrew vehemently denies having sex with a girl trafficked by his paedo pal Jeffrey Epstein. Scotland Yard declined to investigate.

But why didn’t they treat the evidence of the girl who made the allegations as ‘credible and true’?

And why hasn’t Nonce Finder General Tom Watson used Parliamentary privilege to repeat the allegations against the Prince?

Just curious, that’s all.

Some years ago, I attempted to use a superloo in Stamford Hill, North London, only to find someone already inside pulling the door shut.

It turned out the cubicle was occupied by two Eastern European immigrants, who had set up home there.

Apparently the annexation of public toilets by vagrants is fairly common these days. That’s if you can find one that hasn’t been closed because of the ‘savage cuts’ or been turned into a singles’ bar by members of the cottaging community.

Now one council, in Porthcawl, Wales, is taking action to prevent people abusing public conveniences. It is spending £170,000 on high-tech deterrents to safeguard against ‘inappropriate sexual activity’, vandalism and rough sleeping. Weight-sensitive floors are being installed, designed to stop two people at a time crowding into cubicles. ‘Violent movement sensors’ will automatically open the doors and occupants will be sprayed with high-pressure water jets whenever inappropriate activity is detected.

Sounds a bit drastic, but it’s obviously a great leap forward. Frankly, I’ve never seen the attraction of public toilets for dangerous liaisons, let alone permanent accommodation. Forty-odd years ago, a male colleague was arrested after being caught in a compromising position with another man in a khazi on Barnes Common, in South London. We were discussing it in the pub when the veteran chief crime reporter arrived halfway through the conversation.

He was horrified. Seizing the wrong end of the stick, he declared: ‘I know those toilets. And I wouldn’t even have a pee in them, let alone invite a young lady . . .’