Hey guys

sorry I didn’t post a myth yesterday

I was sick

i am still sick, but fuck it

okay so this story was also told to me by Joshua Safford

but by the time he told it to me i was pretty drunk

so I don’t remember what anyone is called

except Cuchulainn

who is the only one who matters anyway

okay so in Ireland

or wherever these stories happen

they have this weird awful tradition

where they throw rocks at birds

and then if they knock down the birds

they put them on women they like

2 birds per women

and Cuchulainn is great at throwing rocks

so as our story opens

he has just winged SIX BIRDS

did somebody say FOURSOME?

well yes

somebody did

and that somebody was cuchulainn

but actually there is a little bit of a logistical problem

because Cuchulainn did not go out mauling birds by himself

he brought ladies with him

FOUR ladies

and one of those ladies

is his WIFE

so Cuchulainn has to make a tricky decision

but he’s a tricky guy

so what he does

is he gives two birds to each lady

EXCEPT HIS WIFE

and then he’s like “hey honey

are you jealous that i didn’t put any dead birds on you?”

and his wife is like “No Cuchulainn

because those birds are only tokens of your affection

and I already have your affection

because we’re married and shit

plus i don’t really want dead birds all over me”

but then RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT

two birds fly by

tied together with a silver chain

and Cuchulainn is like DON’T WORRY HONEY

I WILL GET YOU SOME DEAD BIRDS

and his wife is like “No dude

i said it was cool

plus those birds are chained together

there is clearly some magical shit going on

don’t throw rocks at those birds”

but Cuchulainn is already throwing rocks

because throwing rocks is what he DO

he misses once

and he misses twice

and his wife is like “DUDE

SERIOUSLY

MAGIC BIRDS

BAD IDEA.”

but then he throws the third time and he snaps the chain

and the birds freak out and break their necks on the ground

and Cuchulainn is like here honey

put these on your body

then he passes out on the ground and starts tripping balls

because

let me reiterate

MAGIC BIRDS

BAD IDEA

So Cuchulainn is leaving no ball un-tripped there on the banks of the river

he is hallucinating these crazy water nymphs

beating him with gold chains

and meanwhile all the hot ladies he brought to the beach with him

all have to drag him back to the castle

what castle, you ask?

fuck, does it matter?

you know europe

fucking castles coming out of other castles

just trust me, there was one nearby

and they get there

and the king is like “Oh shit

this looks like a magical river curse.

only one cure for those:

take him back to the magical river”

and the resident wise woman is like “dude

no

bad idea”

but nobody asked her

so they drag Cuchulainn right back to the river

meanwhile, Cuchulainn is still tripping more balls than that burglar from Home Alone

and all the nymphs who are hitting him with chains are like dude

the wife of the sea-god really needs some loving

you should get on that

she’s totally askin for it

and Cuchulainn is like “LADIES

I AM A MARRIED MAN”

and the nymphs are like “Okay look

the sea god is out of town a lot on business

because of tides and whatnot

and his wife is just looking for a little something on the side

and we are authorized to hook you up”

and Cuchulainn is like “TELL MY WIFE I AM BUSY.”

So then I guess he wakes up from his coma

and starts fucking this sea goddess

and nobody knows about this

except his wife, obviously

because he keeps coming home damp and smelling of sea-pussy

so one night she follows him down to the river

and sees him boning this chick

and she’s like “DUDE

YOU GAVE ME DEAD BIRDS

I THOUGHT YOU CARED MORE THAN THIS”

and Cuchulainn is like “uh … my bad?”

and the sea goddess is like “look lemme just use him for one more minute”

and then the sea god is like “WHAT THE FUCK IRENE

SERIOUSLY?

AGAIN?”

(irene is the name i just made up for the sea goddess)

and his wife is like “Uh … my bad?”

and the sea god is like “FUCK THIS

AMNESIA WAVE”

and he hits them with a big ol’ wave

and it wipes out Cuchulainn’s memory of all his illicit sexytimes with the sea goddess

and vice versa

in fact the only person who doesn’t get her memory wiped

is Cuchulainn’s wife

which sorta blows

because she can’t very well punish Cuchulainn for something he doesn’t remember

so instead she’s just like insanely bitter

forever

So the moral of the story

is if you ever get caught cheating

just hit yourself in the head with a shovel

did somebody say GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD?

The end.