"'Take care, sir,' cried Sancho. 'Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone.'" So anyway, according to a leaked letter from "Environment" Minister Hunt to the Senate cross bench, we're going to have ourselves a Wind Farm Commissioner who will, among other things, investigate complaints about the health effects of wind farms. This is because it is very very necessary, unlike sacked Climate Change Commissioner Tim Flannery, whose appointment was obviously just shameless politicking, or sacked Disability Commissioner Graeme Innes, which was a waste of money. You know: we have to focus on real problems. When do we appoint our Fairy Charm Commissioner?

And it's a bit awkward to make such an appointment since the science (science!) is already in: turbines making people sick isn't a thing that, y'know, happens. The reason we know this is because it has already been investigated. Like, a lot. Wind Turbine Syndrome is a term made up by US author Dr Nina Pierpont in 2009, who based her research on case studies of people she had diagnosed with the disease she invented. You can see how this might be a problem. Scientists have, however, looked into the claims and found a) zero evidence for any greater ill-health among people who live near wind turbines compared with the rest of the population, and b) no plausible way for turbines to cause illness. The cause that's most often cited is "infrasound" - sound at frequencies below the threshold of human hearing - and these do seem to have effects on people. The problem is that the effects are very small, the evidence for illness comes mainly from the military (specifically, helicopter pilots) and the symptoms are very vague and subjective, like headaches, nausea and anxiety - as opposed to something that's obvious, like a person's eyes suddenly exploding. That would definitely suggest some sort of cause-and-effect.

The other thing is that turbines produce the same sort of frequencies as other things people live with every day without incident: surf, for example, and traffic, air conditioners, underground train lines and more. But the government doesn't like wind farms - because they're ugly, y'see, unlike those gorgeous mines and sexy smoke-belching coal plants. Oh, incidentally: there are legitimate health risks from coal, and people who live near coal-burning power stations do in fact suffer higher rates of disease, even if you take into account those areas are also generally high in poverty. But it's far more important to investigate a fake problem to slow progress on renewable energy. After all, those witches won't hunt themselves. Speaking of people angrily making stuff up…

Government backbencher Cory Bernardi's been going through the submissions to his very, very necessary inquiry into food labelling, which is definitely a matter of grave urgency and certainly not just a chance for him and the government to further besmirch Muslims by implying that Halal labelling look is concealing something sinister, that's for darn sure! Why, it's about ALL food labelling - Kosher, organic, everything! Although yes, admittedly almost all of the submissions have been about Halal food, largely written by people who don't know what they're talking about. But this is an important opportunity to give hysterical and ignorant people a voice! "Before we know it sharia law will have been introduced into our country and all our fundamental rights as Australian citizens will cease as we know them now," said one super-genius who absolutely gets how countries become theocracies: first food labels, and the Constitution is inevitably next. "I have been raped and violated and stripped naked of my faith and my freedom of consumer choice," another clearly sane person wrote regarding, let's be clear, labelling on food. "I scream NO NO NO but no one cares to hear me. I am ignored and regarded as a bigot." And the PM must be delighted to see his favourite catch phrase is taking off, with people saying they don't want to help fund a "death cult". And they're not, since there's zero evidence for the objectively stupid idea that Halal certification funds terrorism, but why should reality always get to guide policy?

Incidentally, and you might want to sit down for this, almost everything you eat is Halal. That's because "Halal" means "permitted", and that covers just about everything except for certain meat products unless they have been prepared in a specific way. Apples? Halal. Vegemite? Halal. Hot chips? Unless they're being cooked in animal fat: deliciously Halal! So if you're really so gosh-darn convinced that you're being violated and funding terrorism every time you buy something that's not explicitly Haram ("forbidden"), then it's probably best you don't eat anything at all. Heck, it's the only way to be certain! Putting the "refuse" in "refugees" Oh, and yesterday was World Refugee Day, when we have the chance to reflect on how much public money we should use to support people smugglers, or on whether security guards in detention should barter sex with desperate female detainees, and also film themselves having said sex and sharing the footage around.