Subtlety is about the only thing that Calamity Jane's Hamburger Parlour Restaurant skimps on.

It's hard to miss her pink, heart-shaped sign that beckons thousands of wayward and ravenous Mount Hood skiers traveling along U.S. 26 east of Sandy on winter weekends.

The restaurant's façade, reminiscent of an old-timey brothel or something straight out of Disney's Frontierland, is equally provocative.

Neither will prepare one for the decadent and delightful scene inside.

Halfway between downtown Portland and Mount Hood's Government camp, Calamity Jane's is a burger wonderland that swirls with Wild West flare and Tea Party trappings, a beefed-up slice of America that runs year-round on overdrive.

Here, the walls team with a motley assortment of cowboy kitsch, portraits of Indian princesses and sketches of John Wayne. The burgers come drizzled with marshmallow and chocolate syrup. And waitresses wear T-shirts that read, "I AM AMERICAN ONE NATION UNDER GOD."

It's not a place for the faint of heart, the sated or the politically correct.

"You Flatlanders won't find us in the Pearl District," said Karen Hunt, the restaurant's general manager. "The things we do here would be frowned upon anywhere else."

It was hard to tell what things Hunt was specifically referring to.

It might have been all the talk about the five-pound beef patties her kitchen occasionally whips up, or the crush of peculiar condiments that accompany just about every one of the restaurant's Frankenstein burgers.

Or perhaps Hunt meant the brazen political statements sprinkled about the 19-table dining area. Plastered to the ceiling were more than 15,000 one-dollar bills that have been decorated or scribbled on by patrons over the restaurant's 32 years in business.

On one wall was an oil painting of U.S. soldiers coming to the aide of Middle Eastern children, who are accompanied by the ghosts American soldiers from the Revolutionary War through Vietnam. On another wall was a mounted rifle and a one-dollar bill next to it that read, "Keep Your Guns."

"We're very patriotic," Hunt said. "We're not afraid to express our mind here."

Expression often transcends political persuasions. As Hunt spoke, a server dragged a disheveled dishwasher out from the kitchen and started ringing a cowbell in the middle of the restaurant. "This is Sam," the server announced, as the dishwasher looked shyly at the ground. "It's his 18th birthday."

The server grabbed a hot fudge sundae off a counter. She handed Sam a hobbyhorse. Then the entire restaurant ripped into a rendition of Happy Birthday while the young dishwasher galloped around the room, past the wanted posters, the Indian paintings and the cowboy sketches.

At the end of his circuit, Sam claimed his sundae prize.

Such displays are only exaggerated in the throes of a full-fledged hunger haze. Calories are what ultimately count at Calamity Jane's. And they come in waves of four-figure servings

There are 55 burgers to choose from, including 16 varieties of pizza burger, two burgers named after U.S. presidents, and burgers that would send Guy Fieri into a fit of ecstasy. There are heaping plates of onion rings and mozzarella sticks, liver and onions, meat loaf sandwiches and chicken-fried steaks.

"I asked the owners if they were pregnant or stoned when they came up with the menu," Hunt said. "We definitely like gluttony. Gluttony is good."

It sure is.

To make the most of our midday meal, my three lunch companions and I tried to cover all the bases. We started with 34-ounce mugs of Coors Light and tucked into a 32-piece order of the hand-battered deep fried mushrooms – a house specialty.

Next came the procession of burgers, each served in a cast-iron skillet with a thicket of French fries, beginning with the Pepperoni Pizza Burger, which oozed with olives, mozzarella and marinara sauce from a can. The Black Bart then arrived, chock-a-block with spicy sausage links and pickled jalapenos.

After that, things took a turn for the outlandish. The Tijuana Temptation came topped with tortilla shells, refried beans, seasoned taco meat, red and onions and sour cream. The Pineapple Upside Down burger dripped warm sour cream and hot pineapple juice all over the table.

The grand finale was the Honey Lovin' Jimmy Carter Peanut Butter Burger. To wash it down, we decided on a pair of thick milkshakes, one peanut butter and banana, the other mint-chocolate brownie.

The whole shebang came in under a hundred bucks. As the waitress brought us the check, she surveyed the remnants of the meal and the makings of a food-induced coma.

"I've worked here for three years," she said. "I've pretty much seen it all."

-- Shane Dixon Kavanaugh