TWT #159 –

On June 8th, 218, Roman Emperor Macrinus was defeated in battle and replaced by 14-year-old Elagabalus because that boy’s mom and grandmother joined the battle to turn the tide.

Macrinus had a rough time during his short reign as Emperor.

While he was probably involved in the assassination of his predecessor, he also inherited all of the political issues of that predecessor as well, including near-war with three other countries.

As Macrinus was dealing with all of that, his predecessor’s aunt, Julia Maesa, was busy at work championing her grandson’s claim to the throne. Elagabalus was only 14 at the time so this kid probably didn’t care at all, but Julia cared a whole hell of a lot.

Macrinus, contemplating how poorly he did in his short rule

So while Macrinus was busy handling all of his issues, Elagabalus was declared Emperor by a group of soldiers in a small town. Macrinus sent a group of cavalry, led by Ulpius Julianus, to kill the small uprising. Unfortunately, the entire cavalry force switched sides, declared loyalty to Big E, and mailed the head of Ulpius Julianus back to their former ruler.

This contention between the two Emperors also did not last long. After Big E was declared Emperor, it would only be one month before a decisive battle at Antioch sealed Macrinus’ fate.

And so, we find ourselves outside Antioch exactly 1,801 years ago today when Macrinus and his forces faced down Elagabalus’ men led by General Gannys.

(Let’s take a minute here to appreciate that Gannys was an eunuch who, after winning this war for Big E, was put to death because he recommended the Emperor live “temperately and prudently.”)

Immediately at the outset of the battle, Gannys messed up big-time. Macrinus’ cavalry somehow broke through their lines and Gannys’ men started to flee immediately.

Things were not looking good for Big E.

Until two women joined the battle…

That’s right. When Elagabalus’ mother, Julia Soaemias, and grandmother, Julia Maesa, saw their men fleeing they decided to join the fight themselves.

When the men in Big E’s army saw two old ladies rush like madwomen into battle, they were either extremely inspired… or they were extremely embarrassed that these women were braver than they were.

Either way, the double-Julia power-team rallied Big E’s troops. With renewed morale, Gannys was able to turn the tide of the battle and Macrinus wimped out, fleeing back to the city.

While Elagabalus was celebrating victory on the battlefield, Macrinus ran back to Antioch and started telling everyone that he actually won (what a sore loser!).

Big E himself, the boy who let his grandmother win a war for him…

Needless to say, the real news spread pretty quickly through the streets which caused some additional rioting and fighting between civilians (hey, it was Rome after all).

So, Macrinus sent his son, Diadumenian, out of the city to save him, and shaved his own beard to disguise himself.

Unfortunately, both of them were recognized, captured, and killed not long after.

But don’t worry, the story doesn’t end well for Elagabalus either. His rule as Emperor is mostly remembered for sex scandals and religious controversy. Big E married at least five different women, and probably one man. He even dressed himself up as a prostitute to literally whore himself off in taverns and alleyways, bragging to other prostitutes that he made more money than them.

Anyway, merely four years after this battle, Big E was killed by his Praetorian Guard, and his body was dumped in a river.

So it goes.

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