It’s 3:22 in the morning and I’m fairly certain that I just had my first ever hot flash. I’m wrapped up in a blanket, I’m eating Chunky Monkey ice cream out of the Ben and Jerry’s pint, and I have no idea why I am so freaking emotional. Is it the estrogen? Maybe. But maybe it’s because Netflix just asked me, “Are you still there?” as I was watching the 23rd… no… 24th straight episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Netflix is such a judgmental bitch, right ladies? I know it’s probably just trying to tell me that maybe it’s time to go to bed, and I get that. I am wasting away here with my eyeballs burning. But ever since that time I watched that documentary on porn, Netflix has never let me live it down with its “Suggestions for Tim”, so yeah, I have trust issues. Typical men.

I am 3 seasons in to Grey’s Anatomy and at this point there is no turning back. I already know what a McDreamy and a McSteamy are and you can’t simply unlearn that information. It probably made room in my brain by pushing out algebra or something but it’s a price I am willing to pay for mankind. For you guys out there, I am about to fucking save your life. I am going to give you the Cliff Notes version of Grey’s Anatomy so when your girlfriend or future girlfriend asks you to watch it with her, you can lie and say you already have. I’M SAVING YOU. You can buy me beer later. Let’s get started.

So season 1 is like 10 episodes and it isn’t really that bad. It starts off with this girl that looks like a younger Renee Zellweger waking up from a one night stand. We learn that her name is Meredith Grey and she is 20-something even though she looks like she is in her 40’s. Anyway, she wakes up from her one night stand and tries to kick her conquest out of her house. The conquest is the detective from the Transformers movie that didn’t have Megan Fox in it. Wait, you probably didn’t see that either because of the Fox-lessness. Umm… It’s Patrick Dempsey. He has literally not been in anything you would have watched willingly. Anyway, she kicks him out because she has to be at the hospital because it’s her first day as a surgical intern. You know this because Meredith Grey is giving a voice-over throughout the whole show because as an audience we are supposed to learn a lesson each and every week. It’s super dumb that Hollywood people think their audiences are retards. Sorry, handi-capable.

Anyway, Meredith goes to the hospital and is introduced to 4 other interns. Super ugly Asian girl who looks even uglier when she cries (Cristina), short dude who is like a pip-squeak younger brother (George), a jock like dude (Alex), and the pregnant blonde girl from Knocked Up. (Izzie). You will seriously not know these characters from anything else ever so if you need to Google them to see what they look like then I understand. Fast forward to the end of the episode and we find out Meredith’s one night stand at the beginning is actually a neuro-surgeon that works at the hospital and he will be her boss. Didn’t see that shocker coming did you? (Where’s my sarcasm font?) Anyways, they nickname him McDreamy. Oh, and her mom has Alzheimer’s. I think that’s important but not really.

Ok, so after the first episode nothing really happens until the season finale besides the ugly Asian doctor hooking up with her boss, Isiah Washington. You probably only know him from Ghost Ship. Anyways, the season finale ends with Renee Zelweger 2 finding out that Patrick Dempsey is married.

Cut to season two and three and we find out that McDreamy is actually in the process of getting divorced from this red headed girl who always looks pissed. She was Will Ferrell’s wife in Kicking and Screaming. We find out that the reason for the divorce is because she cheated on him with a plastic surgeon who was also his best friend. Anyways, the plastic surgeon comes to town to win her back. They nickname him McSteamy because he’s a pretty good looking dude. Anyways, Meredith fucks George, then George gets an STD, Izzie fucks Alex who actually gave the STD to George because they both fucked a nurse, Izzie then fucks Sam and Dean’s dad from Supernatural, he dies because Izzie tried to give him a new heart, the black doctor is shot, the Asian doctor ugly cries, Alex fucks McDreamy’s wife, McDreamy’s wife fucks McSteamy again, then McDreamy again, then Meredith fucks Robin from Batman and Robin, but chooses McDreamy, Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights blows up, there’s a dog that they name either Doc or Dog introduced somewhere around here, the dog dies, the Asian doctor ugly cries again, another doctor is introduced that eventually marries George but not before fucking McSteamy. Izzie then fucks George and then McDreamy’s ex-wife goes off to do her own show I haven’t watched yet, the chief of the hospital is revealed to have fucked Meredith’s mom, Meredith is in some kind of accident where she drowns, the Asian doctor ugly cries, Meredith’s mom dies, then her step mom dies, the Asian doctor ugly cries because she’s going to marry the black doctor, and Meredith fucks McDreamy again. Following that?

Ok, that’s where I am. The Asian doctor that ugly cries is getting married. I have been told that this is just the beginning to this fucking train wreck of a show and that it gets even crazier. I personally cannot wait! Yeah you read that right. I think this show is ridiculously cheesy and over the top and so many bad things happen to these idiots that it’s ridiculous, but it’s so addicting. If anything, this show should be aired at new employee orientations to spell out the downfalls of interoffice relationships. I can’t wait for the inevitable deaths of some of these characters because I know damn well that they can’t continue to fuck each other without one of them getting in a plane wreck or trampled by an elephant or something ridiculous like that.

This is getting really long for a blog post so I’m just going to end this here. I will have a part two when I binge watch 3 more seasons. Fuck you Netflix.

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