The new bank headquarters (daylight hours only)

The new bank headquarters (daylight hours only)

– In an effort to gain the support of political leaders, a coalition of unemployed Americans have filed paperwork to declare themselves the nation's largest investment bank. Supporters of the planned financial institution hope the move will quickly curry Congressional favor, leading to a large-scale federal bailout of unemployed and underemployed workers.

Speaking at a morning press conference, a spokesman for the group reminded gathered reporters that the new investment bank would represent nearly ten percent of the national workforce. "I'd say that counts as 'too big to fail'. When almost ten percent of the country is unable to find work and is in dire financial straits, that represents a huge collapsed portfolio. We're prime bailout material here."

The new investment bank is the brainchild of Tim Goldman, an Ohio manufacturing worker laid off in the recession and whose own unemployment benefits ran out in 2010. "For millions of Americans like me, we're nearly out of options. But the only way to gain attention of Washington seems to be to screw up the economy in some giant way, so I thought, hey, what's the best possible way to screw up the economy? Call yourself a failing investment bank."

"We have no experience in investment banking," group spokesman Michael Burton acknowledged. "But that doesn't seem to be a prerequisite for running one."

"It's a bold move," said Steven Ross of the National Institute of Bipartisanship, a Washington think tank. "But it takes more than being an investment bank to receive a federal bailout. You also need to demonstrate a high level of incompetence, hopefully the kind of incompetence that could destabilize the nation without federal intervention."

Goldman was confident the group could prove incompetence of sufficient magnitude. "A lot of us voted for Republicans in the last election," he said. "If that doesn't show catastrophic incompetence, I'm not sure what would."

"Our plan is to start with one dollar, and use leveraged trading, sketchy hedge funds and outright fraud to make it appear on paper to be worth at least 1.5 trillion dollars. Then we'll flush that original dollar down my toilet, collapsing the whole thing. It will be a spectacular loss – a bajillion percent or so. Even Wall Street derivatives traders would be hard pressed to f--k things up as badly as we intend to."

Congressional leaders initially seemed alarmed by the announcement. "If they're just unemployed Americans, I really don't give a damn," said one member of leadership who requested anonymity. "But if they're a bank? I don't see how we can ignore that."

According to Goldman, "We're already getting results. As an unemployed person or as someone advocating for the unemployed, I couldn't get anyone in Washington to even take my calls. But when I call a senator's office and tell them I represent the nation's largest failing investment bank, they can't wait to talk to me. I've had private lunches with nearly everyone in leadership.

"We're talking about branching into swipe fees, as well. The idea is that you, a consumer, can give us your money. We'll swipe it, then charge you an additional fee for doing it."

Already the move has provoked interest from other groups, including teachers, Medicare recipients, and federal employees. "It's an interesting idea," stated Wisconsin teacher Betsy Carlson. "We've been focusing on making do with less and less money for the kids. Maybe the better answer is to say that the children are a financial investment that we bet big on, but which completely bombed. Joke's on us – it turns out elementary school kids don't have much cash on them at all."

