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By Amber Randall

A fawning write-up on Planned Parenthood’s latest D.C. clinic completely leaves out any mention of abortion, instead lavishing praise on the facility’s interior design concept.

The Washingtonian article, published in the Design and Home section Wednesday, gives readers an insider’s view on Planned Parenthood’s newest D.C. headquarters, which opened last fall.

The word “abortion” is completely absent from the write-up, as the entire article shies away from mentioning that a big part of the clinic’s “health care” services for an estimated 12,000 patients this year will consist of ending the lives of unborn babies. Instead, the write-up praises the new headquarters for its “swanky (and smart)” design and the “cute decor.”

Here are the most bizarre features of Planned Parenthood’s newest D.C. clinic:

1.) The clinic has unique safety precautions.

The Planned Parenthood clinic is very focused on keeping their staff safe. Cacti, which also double as cute decorations, are found throughout the clinic, which the story notes are there so staff can use them to stab a potential attacker: “Cacti, placed throughout the clinic, look like cute decor, but their razor-sharp spines can be used to injure an attacker,” the Washingtonian notes.

The visitors’ desk also works as a shield in case staff needs to protect themselves from an intrusion. Patients are also forced to scan their identification before they can even go into the reception area, the article notes.

The kitchen is also designated as a safe place for staff to go.

2.) They wanted the clinic to feel like an Apple Store.

The waiting room design is meant to feel like a combination of an Apple Store, a Starbucks and an Anthropologie.

“Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan Washington CEO Laura Meyers wanted patients to feel as if they were in a combination Apple Store, Starbucks, and Anthropologie,” the piece notes. “Some want to experience the space alone—sit with their laptop or phone. Others may want to experience it communally.”

3.) They want visitors to feel comfortable talking about anything, even killing unborn children.

Pictures of condoms and IUDs on exam room walls are meant to show patients they can talk about anything. “BuzziHubs,” sofas with walls built around them, allow patients to talk without the fear of being overheard.

The Onion came eerily close to predicting this type of abortion clinic years ago in a 2011 satire piece about a fancy “Abortionplex,” where abortion is celebrated and guests are treated to a lavish getaway.

“Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives,” the Onion satire piece envisions. “The remaining space is dedicated to amenities such as coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater—features intended not only to help clients relax, but to foster a sense of community and make abortion more of a social event.”

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