For years I have wondered why being a single adult Mormon felt like being an outcast. I am not seen as a peer to other adult LDS people I know who are married. It just dawned on me today: I have not completed the coming of age rituals necessary to grant me that status.

Marriage in the LDS faith is an essential part of growing up and is encouraged in men as soon as they return from their mission service around age 20-21. In women, it is encouraged as soon as high school graduation or at least within a year or two. Even as a devout Mormon, I thought it very strange that I knew girls who felt like old maids and spinsters at age 22 or 23 when all their friends had married.

The LDS temple marriage is the culmination of all the doctrine and teachings the faith has to offer and socially is the culmination of the coming of age process. Therefore, to remain single at age 35 is to still be a perpetual child. This has been my experience.

In regards to my old high school/college friends, being unmarried has effectively terminated those friendships. I am a threat to those marriages and therefore can longer remain a close friend until I join the temple marriage club. You see, in Mormonism, all single men are vile untamed creatures filled with an insatiable lust. If I were to become friends with a buddy’s wife, that would directly lead to adultery. There is no other possible outcome.

In my immediate family, I am the only person who hasn’t married in the temple. Therefore, I am still a child to them. There isn’t anything overtly said or done by any of my family to declare my lesser status. However, it is felt in nearly every interaction I have with them. It is evident in the way I am spoken to and treated, the way casual conversations are conducted. When family decisions are to be made, I am not consulted. I am merely informed of the decision once made. Again, no one is making a conscious effort here to belittle me, it’s just the natural result of the culture we are in. I am not a full-fledged member of the family council yet.

Everyone in the family seems absolutely obsessed with my singleness. It’s constantly on their minds. It is like we can’t have a single conversation without it turning to the fact that I need to try a new tactic in dating, or that they know a girl who is single that would be perfect for me, or I will never find anyone if I don’t change. I am not allowed to just be me and be a contributing member of the family. It is as if when they look at me, all they can see is that something is missing.

I am often left with the feeling that I am not taken seriously. You know that careful and patronizing way that some adults talk to children so that they understand? I feel like in my interactions with any married LDS acquaintance (especially family), I am spoken to in a similar way. I can’t be seen as equal, and therefore valid. I am an aberration, an anomaly.

The thing that has really brought all of this to my mind is that in the last few years my circle of friends has shifted from being almost entirely Mormon to being quite the opposite. Those I associate with that have no connection to the LDS faith have no problem seeing me as a peer and treating me appropriately. I am completely valid and valued. It wasn’t until now that I could put it together in my head. The LDS coming of age is not complete until marriage.

Thank the Lord Almighty, I have seen the light and left this emotionally destructive faith. Now if my entire family could catch up with me and also leave, that would be great. Until then, I will continue to plod along at the bottom of the proverbial family totem-pole.