During the last days of my presidency I gave serious thought to writing my memoirs. Karl Rove suggested I get a ghost who could write proper sentences and restrict myself to key moments of my time in office that I could retell to my advantage. So what follows is selective euphoric recall.

Quitting drinking was the toughest decision I've ever made. Those closest to me were begging me to carry on. "Think what you're doing, George," they cried. "If you do get sober, you'll go on to be president and wreck the lives of countless people. Do us all a favour and keep getting legless." I'm happy to say the only legless people these days are the US servicemen returning from Afghanistan.

I was extremely proud when my father installed me as governor of Texas. During my time in office I managed to build a new ball park for the Texas Rangers and execute record numbers of mentally ill prisoners. I had no aspirations to higher office until God told me I had a duty to serve my country.

"But Daddy," I said, "I haven't a clue what I'm doing." "That's precisely why you're the right man. Keep your mouth shut and appoint my friends to key jobs and you'll be fine." "And what if we lose the election?" "Your brother Jeb can fix things in Florida."

I have a great sense of humour, but even I struggled to crack a joke on 11 September 2001. As the twin towers collapsed, I was certain we were being attacked. I just didn't know by whom. I was experiencing the fog of war. "It's al-Qaida,' said Condi. "Any relation to Al Gore?" I asked. Condi shook her head. I'd never heard of the Islamic turrurists with a penchant for blowing things up before, but I damn sure haven't forgotten them since. "Turrurism against our nation will not stand," I announced on television. "And for those who aren't too sure what that means, let me put it another way. We're going to kick raghead asses."

The first person to telephone me was Prime Minister Tony Blears. "I want you to know Britain is with you all the way, George. By the way, I just love your macho jeans and cowboy boots." I appreciated that kind of no-nonsense support and over the years Terry Blair has gone on to be one of America's most faithful lapdogs and people should stop being so beastly to him.

It was soon clear going into Afghanistan and installing a corrupt government was not going to be enough in the war on turrur. We would need to invade Iraqistan. People have criticised me for allowing the CIA to sanction waterboarding. Well, let me say here and now that the intelligence gained prevented numerous atrocities, though unfortunately not the invasion of Iraqistan itself. It remains a matter of some regret to me that our intelligence on WMD was entirely incorrect.

On reflection, I also regret shouting "mission accomplished" as Iraqistan descended into chaos and anarchy, but I am proud to have brought democracy and Christian values to that part of the world and if mistakes were made they were definitely someone else's. And let me make it quite clear I also gave serious thought to extending the Freedom Crusade to Iranistan, Syria and France. Make no mistake, God is not a Mozzer.

The most hurtful moment of my presidency was being called a racist for abandoning the black folk to their fate after Hurricane Katrina. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reason I did next to nothing was because they were poor and had voted Democrat. I was also just as shocked as everyone else by the greed of the financial sector that brought the US economy to its knees. I can honestly say Daddy's friends never told me that a total lack of financial regulation and a programme of tax breaks for the rich would be so disastrous.

Oh dear. I seem to have run out of space to include my contribution to global warming, but as I left the White House for the last time, my little dog Barney shat on the lawn. I knelt down to clean it up, but thought, "Sod it. We'll leave this mess for someone else."

Digested read, digested: Most of which I got wrong.