Dear (go back and put the name here):

I noticed that your misplacement of Hunter W.’s grammar quiz 3 indicates that you are still not on Spring Break. Please consider me in your search for additional pitfalls to send you spiraling into madness.

You mentioned in your most recent fit of shower rage that correcting affect/effect for the thousandth time has become unbearable. I feel that my experience fostering bouts of aggressive Frito eating and passive viewings of season four of Mike and Molly on DVD make me the perfect candidate for failing to help you solve this problem. You will see in the CV that I have neglected to enclose despite repeated written and verbal instruction to do so that I can be detrimental to your ability to foster a healthy work-life balance. My ability to thrive in environments that maintain criminally low levels of pay will make me an addition to your already hard-working team of insurmountable problems.

I seen you’re strggle as an opportunity to work on my skillz cause in today’s society it can b hard 2 make a impresshion. Additionally, I come highly recommended to you by your colleague who booked all remaining slots for librarian-facilitated workshops until after the break. I am elated about the possibility of inconveniencing someone so persistently congested as yourself and look forward to leaving you void of ambition.

In summary, I would like to say that you were supposed to have midterms graded by Tuesday and you should expect several emails discrediting your contribution to this profession along with a stint of diarrhea.

Regards,

You Should Have Been an Engineer