Hello, I Am the Mythical Middle-Class Person Who Republicans Say Will Benefit from Their New Tax Bill

Salutations. Greetings, old sport. I humbly greet you with a wave of my white-gloved hand. Is this how middle-class people greet one another? I’m only asking because I want to make sure you’re a middle-class American just like I am. I, of course, know how common citizens of this country say hello, for you see, I too am a middle-class person. And, like all middle-class Americans, I sure am excited to reap the rewards of the brand new Republican tax plan.

Liberal news pundits insist that this tax bill will irreparably harm our economy and the middle class. These pundits wonder how any middle-class citizen could ever support a bill that hands money to the wealthiest few while gutting important safety-net programs and hiking taxes for average Americans. Well, as a middle-class person who loves this tax plan, I am here to tell you that I exist, I am real, and I am as excited as a Clydesdale in the springtime to see our country’s long-suffering corporations pay lower taxes. I bathe in bottled water and my son’s name is Davenport.

Don’t listen to what the liberal media tells you about the middle class. We yearn to pay higher taxes, and this new tax bill will let us do just that. Take it from me, a person who definitely makes between $48,000 and $86,000 per year. I want nothing more than to watch multimillion-dollar estates not pay a single penny in taxes while my household income gets absolutely gouged. I’m the middle-class American to whom Paul Ryan and Donald Trump refer in their speeches as they peddle this atrocity. My butler has two butlers.

Like most Americans with an average income and only a few yachts, I want to see this administration add over a trillion dollars to the national debt. I believe severely increased national debt will jump-start the economy and benefit me and my middle-class wallet. Recently, my sensible, made-out-of-gold car had to be jump-started while I was on a trip to my ski chalet. A simple mountain man in overalls hooked up his rusty truck to my gold car and used his hayseed ingenuity to get me moving again. I left him a $500 tip for doing so. I sure do enjoy being in the American middle class. I ate a big bowl of diamonds for breakfast this morning.

The point is, trickle-down economics is real and it is good. Trust me on this. Despite having several major buildings at Harvard named after me, I’m just a common, ordinary American who believes that slashing taxes for rich people will somehow benefit me down the line. I trust the Republican Party and think they’ve come up with the best possible bill for me, a very legitimate member of the American middle class. I killed several manatees last summer for sport and faced no consequences for doing so.