Top story: Consensus a wallflower for the Indicative Two-Step

Good morning, it’s Warren Murray bringing you a Briefing with enough Brexit twists to put your back out.

The House of Commons does want a Brexit, but none that is on offer. One possible conclusion out of any number that can be extrapolated from incredible proceedings where all eight “indicative vote” options have failed to gain a majority.

Let’s get you up to speed. A customs union emerged as the most popular option (or least unpopular, if your glass is half-empty) at 271 noes, 265 ayes. A fresh referendum ran second to that, at 268 in favour, 295 against. Each got more ayes than Theresa May’s deal has achieved. A motion to leave the EU without a deal on 12 April lost by 160 votes to 400.

Play Video 2:36 MPs reject all eight Brexit options – video

Sir Oliver Letwin, architect of the indicative votes, said the results had been expected, pointing out it is a “two-step process” and predicting it would deliver more decisive support for some of the proposals in a second day of voting on Monday, which Speaker John Bercow has allowed. Theresa May has agreed she will resign as prime minister if she can get her deal through – something she could attempt before Monday. But the DUP and the hardest of hard Brexiters last night stood shoulder to shoulder in refusing to back her. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who previously offered to vote for May’s deal if the DUP does likewise, has now said he supports the unionists if they continue to oppose it (hopefully you can figure that out). The Speaker has reiterated he won’t allow a further meaningful vote on May’s withdrawal agreement in this session anyway, unless it is modified.

The vote for a second referendum was lost by 27 votes – tellingly, the same number of Labour MPs who defied the whip to vote no, including Melanie Onn who quit the shadow cabinet. Another three of the shadow cabinet abstained. At this point, you and I might as well have a try – using our interactive tool, see if you can juggle the numbers in the Commons to get Theresa May’s deal over the line. And finally, if the PM does resign, who would replace her? Do we really want to go there? Better we had, just in case.

Fair play wins out – In the segregated playground furore, the developer has tried to fudge the issue by saying it “never had any objection” to children from social-housing families using the facilities. But the wall that physically blocks their path would seem to contradict that, as would the complaints of residents from both sides about the discrimination. There is movement, at least. The Guinness Partnership – which manages the social housing areas in the Baylis Old School development – has said: “[Developer] Henley Homes and the Guinness Partnership are in absolute agreement that all customers should have access to all play areas and amenities. We are now working with Warwick Estates, who manage the private development, to ensure that this happens as soon as possible.”

Grenfell’s poisonous legacy – Cancer-causing chemicals and other toxins have been found in debris, soil samples and inside homes near the site of the Grenfell Tower fire, potentially posing serious health risks, an independent study warns. The contaminants include polycyclic hydrocarbons, benzene, isocyanates and flame retardants. Natasha Elcock, chair of Grenfell United, said the report was “alarming and hugely upsetting to read”. The government has promised to carry out a “comprehensive programme of environmental checks” in the area of the fire but Elcock said: “Twenty-one months after the fire, the government has yet to carry out a single soil test or offer a proper health screening programme to the community.”

Woman who feels no pain – There was the broken arm as a child that Jo Cameron didn’t tell anyone about for days, until it took on a strange angle. The ability to gobble down superheated scotch bonnet chillies. In later years, the car crash that left her unperturbed, and the bad hip that didn’t worry her too much until it collapsed. But it was finally the arthritis surgery known for being “excruciating”, which she actually breezed through, that led to Cameron being spotted as immune to pain and stress.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Jo Cameron has experienced broken limbs, surgery and childbirth with little or no need for pain relief. Photograph: Mark Pinder/The Guardian

Cameron, 71, has a previously unknown double mutation to her DNA that scientists believe plays a major role in pain signalling, mood and memory. “I thought it was just me. I didn’t know anything strange was going on until I was 65,” says Cameron. The discovery has boosted hopes of new treatments for chronic pain affecting millions of people globally. For Cameron, one downside is the mutation makes her forgetful: “I don’t get the alarm system everyone else gets.”

‘Not dead, not coming back’ – The British man who tried to flee Australia on a jetski to escape serious drugs charges left a note on the steering wheel of his four-wheel-drive saying: “If I’m not back by Wednesday, I’m not dead, but I’m not coming back.” David James Jackson, 57, was reported to police in Cape York at the farthest tip of Queensland after local people spotted him setting out on a jetski loaded up with supplies, extra fuel and what looked like a crossbow. He made it to the Australian island of Saibai, just 4km south of Papua New Guinea, before Border Force caught up. “He gave it a red-hot go,” said Jock O’Keeffe of Queensland police. Jackson faces extradition back to Western Australia where he is a wanted man.

Bye bye fatberg – A monstrous mass of congealed oils, grease, wet wipes and lord knows what else has been banished from under the seafront of Sidmouth, Devon. Thirty-six tanker loads – each comprising 136 cubic metres of nastiness – were excavated and removed by seven workers who at times had to wear breathing apparatus. These fatberg calves were put through the digester at a local sewage treatment works and produced energy to power the plant. Said an official: “We really hope that this will help everyone to remember to only flush the three Ps – pee, paper and poo – down the loo and to dispose of fat, oil and grease in the bin not down the sink.”

Today in Focus podcast: Cherry-picking, cake and fudge

As Theresa May continues to push for her Brexit deal, MPs have attempted to take control of the debate with a series of indicative votes. The former UK ambassador to the EU Sir Ivan Rogers reflects on how the negotiation process favoured the bloc once the timetable was agreed. Plus: Caroline Criado Perez on what a lack of spacesuits for women tells us about entrenched sexism.

Lunchtime read: Thinking ahead – how do we survive AI?

“An artificial intelligence would need a body to take over, the older man said. Without some kind of physical casing, how could it possibly gain physical control? Tallinn had another metaphor ready: ‘Put me in a basement with an internet connection, and I could do a lot of damage,’ he said. Then he took a bite of risotto.” Mara Hvistendahl’s vignette from a dinner at Cambridge University where the Skype co-founder Jaan Tallinn was pressing his case for the academic community to take AI safety more seriously.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘We have to think a few steps ahead’ of artificial intelligence. Photograph: Getty Images

Tallinn uses his fortune partly to fund organisations like the Machine Intelligence Research Institute. The researchers he bankrolls are pursuing a broad variety of strategies to control an eventually super-intelligence: from “boxing it in”, either in a physical structure or within programming limits, to teaching it to adhere to human values. A few are working on a “big red button” to switch it off if things go haywire. “We have to think a few steps ahead,” said Tallinn. “Creating an AI that doesn’t share our interests would be a horrible mistake.”

Sport

Human rights groups are demanding the cancellation of Sunday’s Bahrain Grand Prix if Formula One is not allowed to investigate the abuse and imprisonment of activist Najah Yusuf. The chairman of the PFA, Ben Purkiss, was made to fall on his sword as part of the agreement that will lead to the departure from the union of Gordon Taylor, an exit that will lead to the rise of a players’ union with bite. Ravi Ashwin’s controversial “Mankad” dismissal of Jos Buttler has been described as contrary to “the spirit of the game” by MCC, just 24 hours after the sport’s lawmakers had seemingly given it the green light.

Maren Mjelde’s injury-time goal against Paris Saint-Germain spared the blushes of Chelsea keeper Ann-Katrin Berger and handed the Blues a Champions League semi-final against Lyon. Tommy Fleetwood and Francesco Molinari led the way as Europe’s Ryder Cup heroes enjoyed a brilliant opening day at the WGC-Dell Technologies Match Play. Owen Farrell has been backed to bounce back from his Six Nations disappointment by the Saracens director of rugby, Mark McCall. And England captain Harry Kane wants to play in the NFL.

Business

The Turkish lira has fallen another 1% against the US dollar overnight as the currency continued to weather intense pressure on the financial markets. However losses were limited, according to sources quoted by Reuters, as the country’s central banks withheld cash and made it impossible for traders to bet against the lira. The crisis contributed to another choppy day in Asian trade where bond yields fell over fears of a global slowdown and stocks were subdued. The pound steadied after losing ground in the wake of the Commons votes at $1.319 and €1.172. The FTSE is forecast to open higher.

The papers

Mostly the front pages look quite similar today, with seven of the papers using the same image of May being driven away after parliament last night. The Mail and the Express take the similarities further, both posing questions sympathetic to the PM: “Will her sacrifice be in vain?” the Mail asks, while the Express says “What more does she have to do?”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Guardian front page, Thursday 28 March 2019. Photograph: Guardian

The Sun says “I’m off! Now back my deal”, whereas the i bafflingly runs the exact same headline the Sun had on its front page on Tuesday: “Back me and sack me”. The Guardian’s splash focuses on the Commons rejecting all eight alternatives in indicative votes: “Parliament finally has its say: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”

The Telegraph has “May falls on her sword”, the Mirror calls it “The end of May”, the Times saying “May vows to resign” and the FT has “May offers to resign in final plea for rebels’ backing on Brexit deal”.

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• This article was amended on 29 March 2019. After publication, the Speaker of the House corrected the count that had been initially declared for the vote on the customs union. It was defeated 265 to 271, not 264 to 272 as originally declared. This has been updated.