What I’d Like to See Happen: Celebrity Deaths

Hey bros. Welcome to my new column. It’s more of a rant-style column so bear with me. Today’s subject is Celebrity Deaths.

I sympathize with celebrities, having spent a good portion of my life wanting to be one. Whitney Houston’s death was kind of tragic, certainly a waste. I think the poor woman was an addict whose handlers would never let her hit rock bottom so she could finally get clean. She was from New Jersey (NJ represent!), so I have a slight affinity for her for that reason (although not her music). And let’s face it, when anyone dies suddenly, it sucks.

But Jesus H. Tapdancing Fucking Christ, did the news just stop for three days?

I know other shit was happening because I get my news from the Internet. However, I like to keep my toe in the cable TV news and network news water just to see what everyone else knows. Saves me a headache when I’m talking to my folks or someone older that’s still relying on the TV news for info.

Every fucking time I turned on the TV, there was Whitney Houston coverage. Am I the only one? It was just sickening. I mean, Michael Jackson was pretty bad, but let’s face it, he stoked the fires with all his weirdness. Whitney Houston had problems for years. This can hardly come as a surprise. Can’t these TV vultures just leave the family alone? They weren’t famous.

And the funeral— My God, at least James Brown’s was fun.

I mean, it was just maddening to turn on CNN, MSNBC and even Fox all day Saturday every couple of hours. First there was coverage outside the church, various anchors blathering bullshit. Later, it was the actual funeral with Kevin Costner giving a eulogy, Gospel singers, more eulogy— It went on all day. Then finally, just as it was over, no lie, one of the anchors came back on the air. She announced that it was over and now they were going to look back on what you just witnessed! We just SAW IT! (That is, if you could sit through that.)

Hours later, I turn on the TV and there it was AGAIN! They were rerunning it. Do you know what happened on Saturday? I do as do you if you read the Super Frat Blog that day. This is what journalism in this country has become. A complete fucking joke where a guy with a webcomic, who writes jokes has more news on his site in five minutes than the 24 hour news networks, has all day.

God forbid, if war breaks out, it better not happen when Lindsey Lohan drops dead because if you watch TV news, you sure as shit won’t know about it.

So here’s what I’d like to see happen:

Halfway through the funeral, the real Whitney Houston burst through the church doors. She quickly explains that she’s been using body doubles for years because of some security threat years ago. She had gone on a bender and only got sober enough a few hours ago and realized what happened.

And the whole sickening display has finally sobered her. She is done, cold turkey she quit right then, as soon as she saw the TV. And the news reporters clamor around her for the explanation and she just tears into them. The Internet explodes with the news and the feed is live. None of the networks dare cut the feed because she is ratings gold.

But Whitney no longer gives a shit about being famous or her career. She just tears into these news vultures. And for that moment, she has this clarity that cuts through all their smarmy bullshit. She calls them on their shit. Tells them that they are harassing her family and that there has to be more important shit happening in the world, but the news networks are failing to do their job because they only care about ratings. And in that quest for ratings and money, they couldn’t even confirm that the right person was dead. She wasn’t even hiding, they all just missed it and weren’t looking because the story was too good.

Then Whitney just walks away from the cameras to be with her family and never gives another interview. And the networks HAVE to keep running her rant because too many people want to see it. Even though it continues to make them look like the assholes they are.

I would really like to see that happen.

-by Tony DiGerolamo

Copyright 2012