7 Tips for Anime Girls Who Seriously Can’t Cook



Filed under: Food, Humor, Parody March 22, 2009, 10:26 pmFiled under: Anime

Are you an anime girl who can’t cook to save their life? Do you repeatedly explode the kitchen and give your friends first degree botulism? Do you experience the above incident happening to you on a daily basis? No problem! With these simple 7 handy dandy tips, any culinary catastrophe creating female biped (and some male ones even!) can advance from making food that is legally poisonous to food that is surprisingly mostly edible! Not FDA approved, but edible nonetheless, and isn’t that the most important thing in life? Next to money I mean… because you know, money is awesome.

Rule 1: For the Love of God, Stop Using Eggs!

For some mystical unexplainable reason that defies all human logic, 62% of all anime girls who can’t cook usually decide to make their first dish out of gratuitous amounts of the natural anomaly we call eggs. General rule of thumb for beginners — DON’T screw with eggs! There’s a phenomenally high chance that the final result will look something like a “Brain on Drugs” commercial.

Yes, cakes and omelets can be very tasty, but only if other people can actually recognize them as something other than a big purple towering monstrosity with a seven foot tall tentacle sticking out of them. If you positively must cook an egg dish, use liquid eggs, the type that come in cartons that don’t even remotely resemble actual eggs, they’re easy to use and don’t involve eggshells so your cooking will decidedly involve less hot smoking shell shrapnel in mouth action. Remember kids, not killing your guests is half of the battle!

Rule 2: Screw Freshness, Make Sure It’s !@#$ing Dead!

Freshness! Who doesn’t love freshness? You know what else people like their food to be? DEAD. Oh so very dead. Epicly dead even. If your food is moving and is still in one piece, chances are, it’s not dead, and that would be a bad thing. Furthermore, if your food has wriggling, girl molesting tentacles and a giant gaping maw that’s trying to eat random people, it’s definitely not dead.

The people you serve your overly fresh fiasco to will usually be quite polite and downplay the situation as well as humbly noting the entire possibility of their impending doom and ruination for marriage, but rest assured, what they really are trying to say is that they do not particularly wish to die on that given day or lose their virginity to a giant man eating squid. If you do not buy your food from a grocery store which has a good reputation for murdering everything you can buy in it first, be sure to thoroughly stab and decapitate what you intend to cook when you get home.

Rule 3: If Your Hands Are Covered With Bandages, You’re Doing it Wrong!

Remember girls, pain is your friend — chances are if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong! Cooking should not have to hurt! Yes, it might look nice to show people just how much effort you put into cooking when your hands look like they are gift wrapped in mummy panties and it makes a great plot device for the male lead to notice just how much work you’ve put into it, but in reality, they’ll just wonder why the heck you’re messing with forces far beyond your control to the point of masochism instead of investing in a food processor like any sane person would.

Why bother with all this trouble though, just buy a bag of cup noodles in bulk and call it a day. A surprisingly unknown fact is that most guys actually like convenience store junk food in direct proportion to how much salt content and MSG it has written on the back. They’ll probably die from high blood pressure years later, but that wouldn’t be your fault… legally at least.

Rule 4: If It’s Emitting a Hazy Purple Aura, Kill It With Fire!

Outside of taste testing and scent testing which are essential for any cook and are apparently ignored on a regular basis, in the anime world, food is given one other beautifully elegant attribute to indicate to their creators that it is epically not fit for human consumption, the dreaded purple aura of doom.

If you see your food giving off this mystical wavy ether of incomprehensible abomination, do not panic! It simply means that your cooking skill has successfully managed to fall into the negatives of skill allocation and has transcended the laws of elementary chemistry. Be sure to call your nearest local emergency number and request immediate biohazard disposal, they will appreciate your honesty when they acknowledge that you did your best to keep the death count to an acceptable minimum.

Rule 5: Cooking Healthy is NEVER a Good Idea!

Health food is all the rage now with everyone trying every new diet under the sun, but until you taste the horrors of your new culinary calamity complete with flax seed oil and endurance increasing herbs, you will never know the sheer horror the human taste bud is capable of experiencing.

Never under any circumstances unless you intentionally want to make people fear you with incredible animosity should you ever cook with health as your intention in an anime, especially if it involves using ingredients that oh… only exist on another planet or is made out of the part of something that really wants to kill you. Remember, when they say that “they can’t taste the difference”, they really mean to say that they can — and it tastes like suicide.

Rule 6: Despite Common Belief, People Cannot Eat Things Bigger Than Their Head

Cooking all boils down to timing, allocation and presentation, of course, when you completely ignore the size of people’s mouths, some surprisingly interesting things can be made, and by interesting, I mean completely nightmarish. To that extent, when in doubt, stick a knife into it repeatedly until it’s clearly not the same shape any more. It’s all about small pieces, really small pieces, just don’t put a that cake in the blender if at all possible.

A common mistake for anime girls, especially when making bento box lunches is that they make one huge towering ziggurat of culinary chaos unable to be eaten by all who gaze upon it. Now this all fine since more is normally a good thing, but for anime male leads, there’s an unwritten rule that you absolutely positively must eat every single thing that is given to or die a virgin (allegedly), so when you combine these two events together, you experience the magic that can only be described as a stomach explosion of gastronomic proportions. In all fairness, it’s fricken’ hilarious to watch.

Rule 7: Combustible Liquids Are Not A Food Group!

I love fire as much as the next guy who isn’t actually on fire at that particular time, but when your kitchen physically explodes and your food tastes like eternal burnation, it’s probably a good time to ease up on the Nitro Glycerin or any of the other wide assorted explosive liquids offered at your local friendly supermarket. Also, despite how it looks, microwaves are not inherently designed to store dynamite inside.

By some supernatural talent, similar to the Hazy Purple Aura of Death, anime girls who can’t cook have the ability to make explosives out of regular every day cooking ingredients that in any other sense outside of bubble reality of comedic relief would result in minor side effects of third degree burns and spontaneous decapitation. It’s actually a surprisingly useful talent — if it were used for anything other than actual cooking. In truth though, the old saying “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is nothing more than a myth… nope, the best way to a man’s heart is in the form of an overpowering explosion of unrivaled death and destruction.