Adam is a 31-year-old stay at home dad in Minneapolis. He used to work in textiles. He has a 16-month-old son, and another is on the way. His wife works.

When I tell people that I'm a stay-at-home dad, most assume that I'd rather be doing something else. When I quit my job, that was main thing — people said, "You'll be going back to work, of course, you wouldn't want to continue doing that." They responded to it as if were something I had to do, like '"you should try to get out if as fast as you can and go back to where all the high-functioning, contributing members of society operate."

When you're meeting new people, the first question is always, "What do you do?" So when you're a stay-at-home dad, the first question is invariably "What did you used to do...what was your real job?'" Since most people assume that, given the choice, men would rather be in the work force, they wonder, "Why wouldn't you want to be in the workplace?" I worry that people might think I'm unemployable, that I have to do this part of our family life — and that's just very much not the case. This is what I like to do. This is my job. Not having people feel like being a stay-at-home dad is truly a job and vocation — I think that's the most frustrating thing for me.

This is what I like to do. This is my job.

Being a stay-at-home dad is almost taboo, and you don't realize it until you're out and about. If I go to a library and there are a bunch of moms chit-chatting, if I come up with my son, they sort of close off. I'm just not really welcome in that circle.

Maybe there's a feeling, I don't want to call it predatory, but it's like, "you're not one of us," which is strange — in any other circumstance, if you found someone who did the same job as you, you'd be excited to chat and commiserate. But stay-at-home dads never get looped in on the conversation, the mundane activities, like "What are your favorite recipes?" I feel like the idea of gender roles is outdated, but meal prep is one of things stay-at-home moms don't include stay-at-home dads in. We do a lot of meal prep during the day! It's just the bread and butter of being a stay-at-home parent. I want to consult with people, and I feel like I'm kept on the outside of that conversation. Stay-at-home dads aren't really seen as peers — to stay-at-home moms or parents who work.

People who haven't done it might think stay-at-home parenting is all baking cookies and doing silly things, without realizing that it's a terribly hard job. I hate to hear any comments that insinuate it's something easy, that I have all this free time to screw around and watch TV. There are mundane things — like after a child eats, there's like an hour of clean-up, doing dishes, and all the while you're trying to keep them occupied. You just never have any time to yourself. You can't just read a magazine. If I pick something up, he's going to want attention. Most people in their work day have pockets of times where they can decompress. I don't have time to get coffee. I don't have time to surf around the internet. From the time my son wakes up, I'm constantly doing something. Taking him somewhere, getting ready — it takes a ton of energy and a ton of time. People who don't understand that belittle the massive amount of work that goes into raising a human being.

People feel like it's a concession, and not something dads truly want to do. I really like being a dad.

Raising a kid often takes the best parts of your job and makes it really personal. For example, I was in crafts. I really enjoy working with my hands and designing things, all of that. I get the opportunity to do that now, but I'm not developing a project. I'm helping my son do something. I'm being creative. He likes playing with things, so, what can I help him build? How can I help him learn this thing? I'm an English major, so I love books, and one thing I really enjoy is curating books and asking myself, what do I want my son to learn and how do I want him to learn that and how am I going to teach you that? Being a stay-at-home dad incorporates a lot of things I loved about my previous job, but it's even more important, because you're pouring those skills and ideas into a person and helping cultivate the person they're going to be.

I don't want to be preachy, but I do feel like parenthood is a very important job, and it's very undervalued. People feel like it's a concession, and not something people truly want to do. I really like being a dad. It's challenging and it's stimulating, and it's something I feel like is at the center of our family life. I feel affirmed in it, in our family, and I hope other people do, too.

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