As you probably know, the Republicans had three response speeches to President Obama’s State of the Union Address: the Official Republican Response by Cathy McMorris Rodgers, the Tea Party Response by Mike Lee, and the Libertarian-ish Response by Rand Paul.

What you might not realize is that there was another conservative response, as well: the Republican Jesus Response, by Republican Jesus. In case you missed it, I will transcribe it for you here:

A chilling black wave of deceptive lies hovered over President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address, as he fumbled through his liberally bias anti-rich-white-guy utopian vision. Channeling his former campaign tactics of left-wing buzz-words, Obama once again threw matchsticks at Godzilla, never addressing issues that I, Jesus, really care about: abortion, creationism, and abortion.

Amidst his theatrical parade, Obama unsurprisingly managed to bring up three of the issues that go the most against everything that I, Jesus, ever stood for:

Minimum Wage

Do you not remember that one time in the Bible when I said “poor will always be with us?” I never once mentioned paying the lazy bastards $10 an hour for their lack of education and wretched lives. In fact, I never said anything about helping poor people, ever!

I don’t care about poor people. I care about hardcore supply-side economic theory. And let’s be honest, putting more money into the hands of low-life high-school drop outs doesn’t increase economic growth, it only increases the price I have to pay for my McDonalds french-fries. Why does Obama want to make me, Jesus, pay more for french-fries?

Global Warming

This miserable excuse of a President then went on to discuss the rapid increasing temperatures of the climate and how he “believe(s) in the overwhelming judgment of science” and wants to act before it’s too late. First of all, nobody is supposed to believe in science. You’re supposed to believe in me.

Plus, does this dude even watch the local news? With all of my might and influence, being God and all, I made it -45 in Chicago this week and a lady in Atlanta literally gave birth to a child in her car because heavy snow had completely halted highway traffic. I’m literally putting thousands of lives in danger just to prove to you that global warming is a hoax. Because it totally makes sense that I would do that.

Obamacare

The never ending health care debacle also continued as Obama tried tugging at our hearts strings with real life examples of how the Affordable Care Act “saved lives.”As if I care about saving lives. I care about conservative economic theory. Anybody who has read the Bible knows that.

If we don’t keep fighting back on this miserable waste of money, hospitals will be no more. We’ll only have hippie communes where baskets of newborn puppies are handed to sick patients to give them a false sense of comfort, all the while nurses in glowing white robes will treat patients with new-age crystals and Reiki healing. Is that what you want? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

Mucking through the sulfuric swamp that made up Obama’s lofty State of the Union address, has brought me, Jesus, to the conclusion that Republicans have been hammering into people since day one: President Obama is Americans worst nightmare. We don’t need to wait for “global warming” to destroy the world, we’ve got Barack Hussein Obama for that!

Remember, you heard it directly from me, Republican Jesus.

Amen.