MANCHESTER, NH—In a last-minute attempt to court the much-sought-after demographic, Senator Bernie Sanders appealed to a town hall of moderates Thursday by reminding them all of his policies would wind up getting watered down enough to match their positions anyway. “Listen, I understand many of you are nervous about my so-called radical stances on healthcare and abolishing ICE, but I’d urge you to remember they will ultimately be so diluted by the political process and left so utterly toothless that none of you could possibly oppose the end result,” said Sanders, assuring the center-left voters that since two-thirds of all Senate Democrats are on the record as not backing his Medicare For All proposal, even placing it on his website was at best wishful thinking compared to the sort of slight incremental progress that his White House would realistically be able to enact. “Let’s be honest here: Based on the center-leaning composition of Congress and where we stand ideologically as a country, my administration would be very lucky to even get a public option on the books. So what I’m saying here is don’t worry. By the time the lobbyists get through with gutting my platform, it’ll only be palatable to ineffectual middle-of-the-road voters like yourselves.” At press time, Sanders had received a standing ovation from the gathering after he closed his speech by noting that many of his far-left supporters would likely end up despising him for the compromises he would be forced to make as president.

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