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The Crew Cut Set

These are largely former military members who never quite advanced beyond the rank of major in the Canadian Armed Forces. But that doesn’t mean they still can’t influence defense policy by getting a cabinet post some day! This crowd knows the difference between a “machine gun” and a “semi-automatic rifle,” and if needed, they can patiently explain why a C-130 Hercules can’t be used to bomb terrorists.

Old Pro-Lifers Scared of the Young People Who Want to Euthanize Them

This group is pretty self-explanatory. The last four decades haven’t been great for Canada’s anti-abortion crusaders, and the pro-life set has naturally begun assuming that the state will be turning the pentobarbital needles on them next. Many young Tories are deaf to their fears, possibly because they want to kill them.

Kevin Freaking O’Leary

He’s in Vancouver! Canada’s own bargain-basement, CBC-cheque-collecting Donald Trump. “I can’t stand seeing my money pissed away,” he told CPAC in a 15-minute interview on the convention floor that included at least two other utterances of the word “pissed.” O’Leary’s a newcomer to the Conservative Party, having signed his membership papers only 48 hours ago. But that’s fine; Tories love it when brash outsiders come in and tell them what to do.

The Maxaholics

In his speech to the convention, leadership candidate Maxime Bernier “said ‘freedom’ more times than Mel Gibson in Braveheart,” said one delegate. Bernier, of course, is attempting to appeal to the libertarians; those plucky optimists who have combed out their dreads, washed the pot smell out of their clothes and still have the moxie to believe in a glorious free market wonderland of privately funded CBC, tariff-free Swiss cheese and radio waves cleared of obligatory Anne Murray songs. It’s best not to remind them that Canada just had the most libertarian-minded Prime Minister in the history of Confederation, and all he really managed to do was kneecap the census and get some free trade agreements signed.