This isn’t going to be an ordinary blog post because, quite frankly, I don’t feel like I’m capable of writing an ordinary blog post right now without it sounding like complete and utter garbage.

I’ve had a hard month, and it’s bleeding into all aspects of my life, including League of Love.

I turned 25 in October and I guess for me, 25 has been a huge point of reflection, both on myself and my life overall and on my relationships and the ways that I spend my time each day.

League of Love takes up a huge chunk of my time, more than you guys probably think. Most days, this feels easy, like something that I actually want to do and is teaching me valuable life skills, something that could maybe one day turn into a career but is still fun regardless. But some days I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I never did this for me. I did this for one person. And on those days I can’t stop wondering, when is it going to be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?

What would it be like if tect and I traded places? What would it be like if for some occasion he surprised me with a website full of blog posts about his thoughts and feelings about all of Taylor Swift’s songs, or gave up a bad habit that really bothers me? Will I ever know what that’s like? I guess I’m just supposed to keep the faith that yes, someday I will, but it gets harder and harder the more time passes.

I’ve also been unemployed for the past 5 months, and only 3 of those months were by choice. I often feel guilty about the time that I spend on League of Love because I feel like I should be using that time to apply for as many jobs as possible. I have been applying for some jobs, of course – in fact I have two interviews tomorrow – but I know I could be doing more.

I guess the main theme in all of this is that I feel like I’m not ‘focusing on myself’ enough, and haven’t been all year. I acknowledged this during the original project, but I expected things to return to normal after the project was over. But because we continued, it didn’t.

It isn’t that I want to stop doing this entirely, because of course I do enjoy it. There’s no way I would have been able to even finish the original project if I didn’t. I just want to have more time for other things, because even if those things are just reading or updating my Taylor Swift tumblr, those are the things that make me feel like me. I have this overwhelming feeling of ‘wasting my life’, and I think that stems from feeling like my time is not my own. I want to be able to do whatever I want and need to do each day without being tied down to too many obligations, except for a job that pays my rent (which, sadly, League of Love does not) and making sure that everyone in my life feels loved.

But I know that the majority of you guys want us to do more, not less. One way that I’ve thought of to be able to do this is to sometimes have tect stream on his own, doing ranked games or something. It’s my understanding that this is what most streamers do anyway, so is that something you guys would be interested in seeing? I may also release a poll in the next couple of weeks to see which streaming times work the best for you guys because we’ve been thinking of re-arranging our schedule a little, and because tect needs to alter his work availability when we do that, we want to make sure that it’s actually going to be a good thing and that we’ll have an audience.

Anyway, those are just some recurring thoughts and feelings I’ve been having over the past few weeks. I’m not really looking for advice – after all there is also a lot going on that I’m not saying – I more just wanted to at least share something with you, because I feel like by now we’ve grown into a little community that supports one another, and besides, if I want to feel like myself again, writing on the Internet about my feelings is about as on brand as it gets.

Thanks for reading 🙂

All that said, I worked really hard last week on a video of my dad reacting to a game of League and it’s hilarious, so you should go watch it! And also our first $5/$10 per month Patreon rewards are up now (a video tour of my bookshelves/a blog post written by tect) so if you’re interested in that content, consider becoming a Patron.

Death snack of the week: Cheetos

P.S. If you don’t know what I’m talking about with the whole ‘writing on the Internet about my feelings’ thing, here you go.

P.P.S. One of our regulars, whitevelcro, created a word cloud out of the Days 1-60 blog posts! I feel like what is has taught me is that I’m…not a very good writer. leagueoflovewordcloud