MILLIONS of voters have admitted they are bastards who just want money.

Following a close-fought election campaign, the electorate decided the prospect of having money was better than the prospect of not having it.

Tom Booker, from Southampton, said: “I like money. I like how it feels in my hands. Labour had some lovely things to say about society, but I don’t actually care about any of that because it’s not money.

“I promise I will do nice things with some of the money. I’ll buy Ed Miliband’s autobiography even though I’m going to put it straight in the bin.”

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: “They say that politics is ultimately about the economy. And the reason they say that is because it’s fucking obvious.”

Electoral analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “It seems that voters attuned to seeing through politicians’ lies looked in the mirror and could no longer believe in their own.

“Socialism is great in theory, but in practice it’s a massive ball-ache.”