I know it’s on your mind too, but unlike me you’re too scared to say it: we need Soylent Green biscuits to help save humanity. Our cities run riot with crime and debauchery, plunging our very existence into a Hades-like nightmare; about a billion people die every day from starvation! We need to do some serious lateral thinking and come up with a solution that combines these two major problems hindering our continuance as a species. If we don’t think of something, Hell will be a holiday resort compared to the dysfunctional dystopia our children will inherit! Oh, but wait, the answer has been around since 1973, in the form of a speculative fiction movie starring Charlton Heston! They are protein-packed biscuits called Soylent Green, and they will be our salvation.

Set in the not-too-distant future of 2022, real food like fruit, vegetables, and meat are extremely rare (and just as expensive) commodities only the fabulously rich can afford. Try $150 a jar for strawberry jam. Violence and crime are rife on the streets as the disenfranchised struggle to survive. Hope is a word long robbed of any real meaning. The massive Soylent Corporation (the name derived from soy and lentils) is in charge of feeding the starving masses with rations of “high-energy vegetable concentrates” called Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow. Great, so even back then they saw soy as a superfood of the future, you say, so how does this help solve the rest of our ills?

Enter Soylent Green. Rather than base this product on nutritious pulses, they looked to the bounty of the sea. This small green wafer was apparently produced from “high-energy plankton”, and was much more nutritious and palatable than the red and yellow varieties. However, it was also in short supply, which often lead to even more food riots. Why not just send out more ships to scour the oceans for greater harvests of plankton? That’s because the real secret ingredient in Soylent Green was actually human beings!

In this bright future, people can opt for “going home” – assisted suicide or active, voluntary euthanasia. And it seems that underneath these government facilities there are trucks just waiting to ship loads of corpses to the factories for processing into Soylent Green crackers. You may be horrified at this, but I think it is absolutely awesome!

I mean cremation is probably just adding to climate change, and burial just feeds a few worms. What better way to dispose of the dead, as there are no ecologically-threatening by-products, and those without food can benefit from your demise. But you can see how Soylent Green could easily fall into short supply, as the human spirit is strong, and most continue to fight for their pathetic existence rather than opt for the easy way out. As selfish as this seems. But hey, what if we pumped up the supply with those on Death Row? Hmmm, a few more bickies making it down the line. And all those food rioters being scooped up in huge shovel trucks – don’t just put them back on the streets to cause more trouble, convert them to Soylent Green! Prisoners of war? Hmph, you know what my answer is there. And we all know Soylent Green wafers made with political dissenters taste just that much better! And repeat-offending drunk drivers? Hmmm… don’t get me started on that one!

Anyway, as you can see, Soylent Green really is the way of the future. I mean, it really is inevitable, unless we manage to evolve somehow. And like that’s really going to happen. And in case you’re wondering how the world of Soylent Green could be so dismal, well, besides the obvious overpopulation caused by a species that just could never come to terms with the limits of living on a finite planet, the food shortage was not so much that there were too many mouths to feed, but not enough arable land due to a series of ecological disasters we were too stubborn and stupid to foresee. In other words, humans killed the world and only then started complaining when it affected them.

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Posted in The Prophecies of Bastardamus