Once, in happier times, Theresa May strode on to the stage at an awards ceremony wearing a hi-vis jacket, in open mockery of George Osborne, whom she had just sacked.

No one could say with 100 per cent certainty whether or not she had it on again in the small hours of Thursday morning, when she arrived, ashen faced, to glower at the press. A world leader, in theory, but in reality, little more than the European Union’s car park attendant, and her own country’s beleaguered office fire marshal. Except that this was not a drill.

They made her wait until almost 2am, the 27 leaders of the European Union, the ones who, having never been so mesmerically stupid as to ‘take back control’, now get to decide the UK’s fate for it as it sits in a little side room on its own.

Tensions in the room have been said to have been high, with EU leaders split over whether or not to take the full, complete piss and give the UK a new Brexit deadline of actual Halloween. As if the original plan, for Britain’s first working day outside the European Union to have been April Fool’s Day had not been funny enough (that was our own idea, by the way). Now Brexit was to be a Halloween special.

But the early signs are that Britain won’t even have to wait that long. Anyone in Theresa May's early morning press conference had already seen a ghost, and this morning, on every media outlet near you, Day of the Braindead is well underway.

Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Show all 9 1 /9 Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Boris Johnson Former foreign secretary Boris Johnson has long been hopeful, he previously stood in the leadership contest that followed the Brexit vote and has at many times since been thought to be maneuvering himself towards the goal. He remains a darling of the party's right wing, particularly those in the ERG, and is the most popular choice among Tory voters but his leadership bid would be fiercely opposed by many MPs PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Michael Gove Environment secretary Michael Gove is another member who has long wanted to be leader. He has lately been known for rousing his party in the commons, his recent speeches on the Brexit deal and Labour's no confidence motion have overshadowed the Prime Minister's. He has been loyal to the Prime Minister, partly to shed his reputation as a backstabber who abandoned Boris Johnson to stand against him in the 2016 leadership election Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Dominic Raab Former Brexit secretary Dominic Raab has emerged as a favourite to be the Brexiteer candidate in a contest to succeed to Ms May. He displayed a grip on detail in his role as Brexit secretary. When asked recently if he would like to become prime minister he replied "never say never" Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Rory Stewart International development secretary Rory Stewart is pitching himself as the sensible candidate, promising to rule out both a second referendum and a no-deal Brexit. He was only recently promoted to the cabinet, previously serving as prisons minister, where he caught headlines with a pledge to resign if he could not reduce levels of violence within a year PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Esther McVey The former work and pensions secretary announced that she will be standing for the leadership when May leaves. McVey is the first to explicitly state that she intends to stand. She resigned from the cabinet in protest over May's Brexit deal AFP/Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Sajid Javid Home secretary Sajid Javid is said to have a plan in place for a leadership race. He made headlines over Christmas when he declared that people smuggling over the English channel was a "major incident" and more recently when he revoked the citizenship of ISIS bride Shamima Begum. Son of a bus driver, he wants the Conservatives to be seen as the party of social mobility PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Jeremy Hunt Foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt was recently thought to be the favourite in the event of a leadership race as he could sell himself as the man to unite the party. Critics worry that his long stint as health secretary could return to haunt him at a general election. He has reportedly been holding meetings with Tory MPs over breakfast to promote his leadership PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Andrea Leadsom Following the Prime Minister's second defeat over her Brexit deal, Leader of the house Andrea Leadsom hosted a dinner party at which "leadership was the only topic of conversation", The Times heard. Leadsom ran against Theresa May in the 2016 leadership election before dropping out, allowing May to become Prime Minister AFP/Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Priti Patel Former international development secretary Priti Patel is thought to be positioning herself as a contender. One MP told The Independent "she knows she's from the right of the party, the part which is going to choose the next leader, so she's reminding everyone she's there." Patel left the government late in 2017 after it emerged that she had held undisclosed meetings with Israeli officials PA

Before this summit, large numbers of EU leaders consistently warned that they did not want to give the UK an extension because they would just use it to ask for changes to the backstop, as they had been doing for the previous year, or to reopen the Withdrawal Agreement. In the small hours of the morning, Jean-Claude Juncker had explicitly said that the UK can do whatever it likes with the next six months, but the Withdrawal Agreement will not be reopened, under any circumstances whatsoever.

Donald Tusk had simply said to us, “Do not waste this time.”

So naturally, already on your morning listening, you’ll have found David Davis saying that the EU "always says it won’t budge, but does in the end,” even now, after the last two deadlines have gone, and it hasn’t done budged an inch. The DUP’s Sammy Wilson has been on Talk Radio to say Theresa May, “should use the time between now and October to get the message over to the EU that they should reopen the withdrawal agreement.”

Laugh if you want but it's infectious, this stuff. It's Brexit: Zombie Dawn out there. Members of the ERG roam the deserted streets, getting in their cars outside their homes, telling TV news crews that "the EU needs to reopen the withdrawal agreement." They seek changes to the backstop, but they come for us all.

Still, at least the Prime Minister will surely have some bright ideas for the way ahead. “We must find a way forward,” she barked. “Nothing is more pressing.” Before adding: “I do not pretend that the next few weeks will be easy, or that there is an easy way to break the deadlock in parliament.”