Jeff Bezos Pledges $10 Billion to Eradicate Coronavirus Sufferers

SEATTLE — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced today he is committing $10 billion of his vast personal fortune to completely eradicate the threat of coronavirus sufferers.

“I will be funding a global initiative to stop this pandemic dead in its tracks — all 250,000 of them,” Bezos wrote in an Instagram post. “Every one of these individuals represents the single biggest threat to our planet, and I want them gone as soon as possible. Earth is something we all have in common. That, and Amazon Prime: seriously, I can get to anyone, anywhere, in a two hour window. And if that doesn’t work, I’m sitting on like, a bazillion gallons of rocket fuel, so trust me — we’re good.”

Bezos’ recent pledge is expected to complement efforts by the Trump administration to contain the spread of the virus in the U.S.

“So far we’ve seen over 11,000 confirmed cases and nearly 200 deaths in this country alone, but thanks to Mr. Bezos’ generous support, we should be able to flip that ratio in no time,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert. “This is part of a collaborative trend we’re seeing across the private sector. Just today, Google launched a screening website to provide anyone showing symptoms with detailed information on how to blow their own brains out.”

Beyond praise from world leaders, Bezos’ bold solution has inspired other wealthy humanitarians to rethink their own approach to crises impacting the global community.

“I just wrote some dude a $500 million check to build one goddamn toilet that turns diarrhea into cherry tomatoes or some bullshit… and now you’re telling me I could’ve spent a tenth of that money on hired muscle to rough up any dumbass who tries to crap in the village drinking well? Wow!” said billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates. “Gee, thanks, Bezos — where were you when Microsoft thought the world needed Bing, or the fucking Zune?”

Shortly after their CEO’s announcement, Amazon confirmed that they will be hiring 100,000 additional contractors to euthanize quarantined Prime Now customers in the convenience of their own home.