Hello, I’m a merchant in a video game about increasing the numbers in your character’s spreadsheet. There are graphics meant to help you ignore the fact that you’re playing a spreadsheet.

My humble shop is on the edge of College Football Town, a war-torn area of the map in which tribes fight over items they call Rivalry Trophies. Sometimes these pickups might make their way to me. Sometimes I might offer Made-Up Video Game Currency for them. Perhaps I’ve listed out dozens and dozens* of the Rivalry Trophies in what these tribes call Division I, categorized and roughly sorted by how much MUVGC I can get for them. Some of them are simply more useful than others as survival tools in our dragon/radiation/wizard/emperor/robot/devil-stricken wasteland, you see.

Perhaps if you bring all of them to me, I will have a gift for you. Perhaps.

* Surely this list is not exhaustive. Perhaps I’ll add to it over time as more whispers make their way to my shop.

Junk items

A large portion of these things are just cups or bowls without lids. The sky is full of vomit worms. We need lids on our food. Almost all of these are useless. Some of these do have lids, but still ... we have enough containers already.

Rivalry trophies that are containers, unranked Name What is it? Secondary use Name What is it? Secondary use Apple Cup, Washington-Washington State Gold cup and gold plaques on wood base Fuel Bayou Bucket, Houston-Rice Brass bucket on wood trophy Fuel Beer Barrel, Kentucky-Tennessee Wood barrel Fuel Big Dog Trophy, The Citadel-Wofford Cup on wood base Fuel Bourbon Barrel, Indiana-Kentucky Wood barrel Fuel Capital Cup, Richmond-William & Mary Cup on wood base Fuel Centennial Cup, Colorado-Colorado State Silver cup on wood base Fuel Commonwealth Cup, Virginia-Virginia Tech Chalice on wood base Cypress Mug, CAJUNS-Southeastern Louisiana Wood cup Dam Cup, Eastern Washington-Portland State Bowl on lean wood base Fuel Empire Cup, Columbia-Cornell Glass vase on wood base Fuel Gansz Trophy, Navy-SMU Chalice on wood base Fuel Governor's Cup, Brown-Rhode Island Silver chalice on wood base Fuel Governor's Cup, Kansas-Kansas State Silver chalice on wood base Fuel Governors Cup, Eastern Washington-Montana (No images found. Guess it's a cup!) Jefferson-Epps Trophy, Florida State-Virginia Silver water pitcher on wood base Fuel Kuter Trophy, Air Force-Hawaii Gold serving bowl on wood base Fuel Legends Trophy, Notre Dame-Stanford Glass goblet on wood base Fuel Liberty Cup, Columbia-Fordham Gold chalice on wood base Fuel Little Brown Jug, Michigan-Minnesota JUG Melee weapon Little Brown Stein, Idaho-Montana STEIN Melee weapon Mayor's Cup, Rice-SMU Silver cup on wood base Fuel Milk Can, Boise State-Fresno State Big ole metal can Melee weapon Old Brass Spittoon, Indiana-Michigan State Old brass spittoon Melee weapon Old Oaken Bucket, Indiana-Purdue Old oaken bucket Territorial Cup, Arizona-Arizona State Chalice Textile Bowl, Clemson-NC State Silver serving bowl on wood base Fuel Trustees' Cup, Cornell-Penn Glass bowl Victory Barrel, East Carolina-NC State Barrel

Psst! Hey [Player Character Name]! Yeah, you! Over HERE, in the corner! The BOSS, the shopkeeper you were just talking to seconds AGO, says I shouldn’t tell you this! He doesn’t want the word GETTING out! But there’s one Container Rivalry Trophy we’ll pay a pretty CURRENCY UNIT for! It’s MILK CAN!

It’s TOUGH, like me, the guy HIDING from my boss by screaming from SIX FEET AWAY inside the SAME building! You can use it as a Melee Weapon! I ................

........ I just don’t know where it is! Talk to my ASSOCIATES in Boise and Fresno! They’ll know for sure!

Do you accept MILK CAN SIDE QUEST?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies best turned into scrap metal, unranked Name What is it? Secondary use Name What is it? Secondary use Battle Line Trophy, Arkansas-Missouri Large silver sculpture Lots of scrap Battle of I-75 Trophy, Bowling Green-Toledo Bronze sculpture Bayou Classic Trophy, Grambling-Southern Large silver sculpture Bedlam Series Trophy, Oklahoma-Oklahoma State Metal sculpture on metal base Beehive Bowl Trophy, Southern Utah-Weber State Plaque Shield Ben Schwartzwalder Trophy, Syracuse-West Virginia Sculpture on wood base Fuel Dick Tomey Legacy Trophy, Hawaii-San Jose State Sculpture on wood base Fuel Durley-Nicks Trophy, Prairie View A&M-Texas Southern Silver sculpture on wood base Fuel Florida Classic Trophy, Bethune-Cookman-Florida A&M Gold sculpture on wood base Fuel Florida Cup, Florida-Florida State-Miami Metal sculpture on wood base Fuel Governor's Cup, Georgia-Georgia Tech Gold scupture on wood base Fuel Governor's Trophy, Boise State-Idaho Gold sculpture on wood base Fuel Great Divide Trophy, Montana-Montana State Large bronze sculpture on wood base More scrap James E. Foy V-ODK Sportsmanship Trophy, Alabama-Auburn Sculpture of punter on silver pot and wood base (should be A BOWL MADE OF IRON) Fuel Magic City Classic Trophy, Alabama A&M-Alabama State Gold sculpture on wood base Fuel Mid-America Classic Trophy, Eastern Illinois-Illinois State Metal artwork on stone ziggurat Construction O'Rourke-McFadden Trophy, Boston College-Clemson Bronze sculpture on wood base Fuel Paniolo Trophy, Hawaii-Wyoming Bronze sculpture on wood base Fuel Ram-Crusader Cup, Fordham-Holy Cross Gold sculpture on wood base Fuel Red Bird Rivalry Trophy, Ball State-Miami (OH) Sculpture on metal tube "Rivalry Series" Trophy, Georgia Southern-Georgia State Glass sculpture on base Sgt. York Trophy, Austin Peay-Tennessee State-Tennessee Tech-UT Martin Bronze bust on wood base Fuel Southwest Classic Trophy, Arkansas-Texas A&M Large glass-and-silver spectacle Williams Trophy, Rice-Tulsa (No images found. Guess it's a trophy!)

Help! Help! Tigers took my 180-pound Silver Object!

Do you accept Battle Line Trophy Side Quest?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies to burn for fuel Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Black Diamond Trophy, Virginia Tech-West Virginia Lump of coal on what appears to be stone base Construction 2 Don Shula Award, FAU-FIU Large wood plaque Construction 3 $5 Bits of Broken Chair, Minnesota-Nebraska Wood chair and counterfeit cash on wood base Barter (pre-war money: valuable souvenir) 4 Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, Air Force-Army-Navy Silver sculptures on large wood base Scrap 5 Valley Cup, Fresno State-San Jose State Silver sculpture on large base Scrap 6 BU-TT Bowl Trophy (unofficial name), Baylor-Texas Tech Sculpture on large wood apparatus Scrap 7 Heroes Trophy, Iowa-Nebraska Silver sculpture on wood ziggurat Scrap 8 First State Cup, Delaware-Delaware State Glass vase on large wood base Container 9 Ireland Trophy and Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl, Boston College-Notre Dame Glass objects on wood bases 10 Ram-Falcon Trophy, Air Force-Colorado State Wood sculpture in glass case Container 11 Palladium, MTSU-Troy Big weird wood thing 12 Rip Miller Trophy, Navy-Notre Dame Big wood L Construction 13 Causeway Carriage, Sacramento State-UC Davis Mostly wood plaque 14 Oil Can, Fresno State-San Diego State Wood sculpture Melee weapon 15 Cy-Hawk Trophy, Iowa-Iowa State Wood sculpture 16 Rio Grande Rivalry Trophy, New Mexico-New Mexico State Plaque on wood base

[Player Character Name], it is with great shame I, The Fire Giant, must ask a mere [Level Number] mortal such as yourself for a favor. The rains have come, and I, The Fire Giant, have nothing to feed my Fire Children. Our Great Forge aches with hunger! It all began wh-[you skip 20 pages of lore]

Do you accept Black Diamond Trophy Side Quest?

Yes

No

Toys

Rivalry trophies best used as leisure objects for morale Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Battle of the Blue Trophy, Delaware-Villanova Football on wood base Fuel 2 State Fair Classic Trophy, Grambling-Prairie View A&M Football goalposts on large base 3 Jeweled Shillelagh, Notre Dame-USC Majestic dildo 4 Mayor's Cup, Temple-Villanova Teensy toy bell on wood base Fuel 5 Platypus, Oregon-Oregon State Wood artwork that looks more like a salamander Endless fun debating whether it's a platypus or salamander 6 Victory Cannon, CMU-WMU Small toy cannon, less pathetic than Illinois-Purdue's Mocking Illinois and Purdue 7 Purdue Cannon, Illinois-Purdue Small toy cannon

A wild PLATYPUS appeared!

BEAVER used SCRATCH!

It’s not very effective...

Rivalry trophies that provide companionship Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Floyd of Rosedale, Iowa-Minnesota Bronze pig on wood base Fuel 2 Paul Bunyan, Michigan-Michigan State Wood scultupre on large wood base Fuel 3 Illibuck, Illinois-Ohio State Wood turtle 4 Heartland Trophy, Iowa-Wisconsin Castrated brass bull on wood mount Fuel

A voice calls to me ... sonorous and ancient ... like the towering waterfalls of Rosedale ... and yet ... different ... somehow ... sadder!

“Release me ... [Player Name],” it intones unto me ... wise, but afraid ... of what?

I must know ... I must consult the Sage ... [this guy is boring, so you skip all his scenes]

I feel blinded by this information ... I cannot spit or think ... Floyd, savior of Rosedale, has been imprisoned inside ... no ...

Do you accept Floyd of Rosedale Side Quest?

Yes

No

Tools

Rivalry trophies that are communication devices Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Megaphone, Michigan State-Notre Dame Megaphone Melee weapon 2 Telephone, Iowa State-Missouri Removable telephone handset on wood base Melee weapon 3 Gold Cowbell, Georgia Tech-Vanderbilt Silver, not gold, cowbell Melee weapon 4 Blue Key Victory Bell, Ball State-Indiana State Bell on stout wood mount Fuel 5 Victory Bell, Missouri-Nebraska Bell on wood table Fuel 6 Victory Bell, Cincinnati-Miami (Ohio) Bell on wood mount Fuel 7 Bell, Southern Miss-Tulane Bell on wood mount Fuel 8 Bell, Marshall-Ohio Bell on wood mount Fuel 9 River Bell, Nicholls-Southeastern Louisiana Small bell in wood mount Fuel 10 War Drum and Lamar Hunt Trophy, Kansas-Missouri Drum and regular trophy Scrap

Oh? Who’s there? I’m an old woman standing by herself in her locked basement and staring at a square table, and you’ve just appeared in my basement without knocking on the door or telling me your name. Anyway I need you to collect all of my many Victory Bells, scattered hundreds of miles from me in every direction all around the map!

[You press A to speak to her again]

Oh? Who’s there? I’m an old wo-[skip]

Do you accept There Are Way Too Many Bell Trophies Side Quest?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies that can aid in aquatic travel Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Paddle, Nicholls-Texas State Boat paddle (detachable from bonus boat) Melee weapon 2 Seminole War Canoe, Florida-Miami Life-size wood canoe 3 Okefenokee Oar, Florida-Georgia Wood boat oar Melee weapon 4 Paddlewheel, Cincinnati-Pitt Riverboat-steering device 5 Wheel, Southeast Missouri-Southern Illinos Ship wheel, wood Fuel

Hey what’s up guys be sure to smash like and subscribe today we’re streaming Strategy Game and we’re gonna be [spends 10 minutes explaining every setting] [spends 10 minutes explaining every faction] and that’s gonna be it until part two so thanks guys be sure to comment below and send me $5

Hey what’s up guys be sure to hit that like and subscribe today we’re on to part two of streaming Strategy Game. Well we’ve spawned in a grassland so that’s good because that’s plus food and we could buy a boat part and hmm that would be good for aquatic travel but unfortunately this game is super RNG roll-dependent and we don’t know if a boat part would be good for where we’ve spawned but shit let’s just buy a boat part we can always trade it later anyway let’s cut it right there comment below and give me $5

Hey what’s up guys like and subscribe with all your might we just bought the Nicholls-Texas State Paddle and got a free boat along with it and that’s OP but it turns out our grassland is far away from water so [problematic rant followed by apology video]

Do you like and subscribe?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies that can aid in land travel Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Victory Bell, Duke-North Carolina Bell on cart with wheels Communication 1 Victory Bell, UCLA-USC Bell on cart with wheels Communication 3 Wagon Wheel, Akron-Kent State Wagon wheel 4 Old Wagon Wheel, BYU-Utah State Old wagon wheel 5 Saddle, TCU-Texas Tech Saddle 6 Chancellor's Spurs, Texas-Texas Tech A fancy lad's metal spurs 7 Golden Horseshoe, Cal Poly-UC Davis Big gold horseshoe on wood base, apparently with imposter version as well Barter (give enemy the imposter version) 8 Steel Tire, Akron-Youngstown State Not as powerful as it sounds, but maybe you need a tire Scrap

Hey hot shot! I challenge you to a grueling, 30-second race through six checkpoints! If you beat me, you get my ride!

If I beat you, you get to try again! Or are you scared??

Do you accept Race For Bell Cart Race?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies that are food tools Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Iron Skillet, SMU-TCU Iron skillet Melee weapon AND armor 2 Red Beans and Rice Bowl, Central Arkansas-McNeese State Cast iron pot on wood base Fuel 3 Crab Bowl, Maryland-Navy Pewter bowl of crab sculptures on wood base Scrap

IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS.

Armor

Rivalry trophies that are armor Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Stats boosts Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Stats boosts 1 Loot box, Oklahoma-Texas Gold hat and two to three other trophies, depending on your definition Various Swagger +1 2 Hoosier Helmet, Butler-Valparaiso Old-timey football helmet on wood base Fuel Grit +1 3 Silver Shako, The Citadel-VMI Silver hat topped by phallic object Leisure Charisma +1 or -1 4 Red Belt, Murray State-Western Kentucky Red belt, like the kind that holds your pants up, on wood mount Fuel Agility +1 5 Tiger Rag, LSU-Tulane Flag-like object Shelter Warmth +1 6 Bronze Boot, Colorado State-Wyoming Bronzed boot on wood base Fuel Kicking +1 7 Beehive Boot, BYU-Utah-Utah State Century-old leather boot Exploration +1 8 Sabine Shoe, Lamar-CAJUNS Bronze shoe Cajun-ness +1 9 Land of Lincoln Trophy, Illinois-Northwestern Hat (bronze, on wood base) Fuel Wisdom +1 10 Cajun Crown, CAJUNS-McNeese State (No images found. Guess it's a crown!) Leadership +1 11 Wooden Boot, CAJUNS-ULM Mystery boot Mysteriousness +1

[Guy who moves and dresses like Voldo from Soul Calibur slithers up to you and offers you his suggestive hat]

You’ve gained WAR BONER HAT.

Weapons

Rivalry trophies best used as defensive traps because they would be painful to step on Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Keg of Nails, Cincinnati-Louisville Keg of nails Container 2 Governor's Victory Bell, Minnesota-Penn State Bell in fragile wood mount Fuel 3 Island Showdown Trophy, Hawaii-UNLV Gold pineapple on wood base Melee weapon 4 Palmetto Bowl Trophy, Clemson-South Carolina Silver palmetto tree on base Scrap 5 Bronze Stalk, Ball State-NIU Sculpted cornstalks on wood base Scrap 6 Freedom Trophy, Nebraska-Wisconsin Bronze sculpture on wood base Scrap

Help! Help! Rabid Gophers destroyed my Yet Another Bell!

Will you repair Fragile Yet Another Bell?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies that are primarily melee weapons Rank Name What is it? Secondary use Rank Name What is it? Secondary use 1 Paul Bunyan's Axe, Minnesota-Wisconsin Huge axe Tool 2 Silver Spade, New Mexico State-UTEP Shovel Tool 3 War on I-4 Trophy, UCF-USF Pewter sculpture on large base Armor (clearly there is a shield here) 4 Belt, South Alabama-Troy Rasslin'-style title belt Being challenged at PPVs 5 Axe, Cal-Stanford Axe head in wood frame with metal plaque Projectile weapon if you don't have a stick 6 Blue Ridge Border Battle Trophy, ETSU-Western Carolina Bigass rock on wood base Fuel 7 Dakota Marker, North Dakota State-South Dakota State Rock Rock 8 Granite Bowl, Dartmouth-New Hampshire (No images found. Guess it's a rock!) Rock 9 The Shillelagh, Northwestern-Notre Dame Fancy yardstick Measurement device 10 Anniversary Award, Bowling Green-Kent State Glass plaque on wood base Fuel 11 HintonBurdick Grand Canyon Trophy, Northern Arizona-Southern Utah Glass plaque, I think

Yo [somehow misspelled Player Character Name], I heard you were talkin’ trash about me [wait, aren’t we in a tag team right now?]. If you think you’re ready to brass ring the main event as The Guy of the locker room of the company of this ... business, you’re gonna have to get through me, [somehow misspells his own name]. In fact, I’m gonna punish you for your attitude by [giving you a title shot that your character is nowhere near qualified for, since your record would be 3-0 if anyone paid attention to that, and that would be counting two tutorial matches and a grocery store parking lot brawl]. Then we’ll see who’s truly ........... [video game crowd chants along with the next two words as if these words are fun at all] THE ... GUY! [That’s not even this guy’s real-life catch phrase.]

(Wrestling video games are incredible glitch factories, is the joke here. Thanks.)

Do you accept [misspelled in a different way]’s Challenge That Is Actually You Challenging Him For The Thing He Already Has?

Yes

No

Rivalry trophies that are projectile weapons Rank Name What is it? Rank Name What is it? 1 Piney Woods Trophy, Sam Houston State-Stephen F. Austin Two Colt Walker pistols on wood mount 2 Fremont Cannon, Nevada-UNLV 1840s-style 55-millimeter howitzer 3 Kit Carson Rifle, Arizona-New Mexico 1866 .50 caliber breechloading rifle 4 Bridger Rifle, Utah State-Wyoming .50 caliber muzzle-loading rifle 5 Old Hawg Rifle, Eastern Kentucky-Morehead State Old muzzle-loading rifle 6 Brice-Cowell Musket, Maine-New Hampshire 1700s flintlock rifle

Many of these are basically just:

Legendary items

Assorted oddball rivalry trophies, unranked Name What is it? Primary use Secondary use Name What is it? Primary use Secondary use Bones, Memphis-UAB Big bronze slab of ribs Reminder of what we've lost Reminder of what we're fighting for Chief Caddo, Northwestern State-Stephen F. Austin 7'6, 330-pound wood statue Deterrence Melee weapon for giant Civil ConFLiCT Trophy, UCF-UConn Plaque too beautiful to live Holy relic Warding off UCF Golden Apple, Albany-Stony Brook It's a golden apple trophy Harvest season charm Golden Boot, Arkansas-LSU Massive gold monstrosity Take cover behind it, gaudily Anything/nothing Golden Egg, Mississippi State-Ole Miss Gold orb on wood base Bad omen Governor's Cup, Kentucky-Louisville Gold bowl on ... a base Dinosaur DNA (is clearly the thing from Jurassic Park) Scrap James Bonham Trophy, South Carolina-Texas A&M Rootin'-tootin' sculpture on wood base Inspiration Fuel Land Grant Trophy, Michigan State-Penn State Your grandpa's whole attic all at once None/all Magnolia Bowl, LSU-Ole Miss Flower on large wood L shape Seed Fuel Michigan MAC Trophy, CMU-EMU-WMU Glass sculpture on stone base Get creative Nickel, North Dakota-North Dakota State Manhole cover-sized removable coin on wood base Barter Manhole cover NSU Trophy, Nicholls-Northwestern State Wood trophy that says "NSU" Designating part of your compound as the NSU area Paint Bucket, Arkansas State-Memphis Paint bucket Disguise Self-expression Shillelagh, Notre Dame-Purdue Haunted tree growing out of wood base Psychological warfare What the fuck is that Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe, Missouri-Oklahoma Pawnee peace pipe lost by some football idiot in the 1970s You dumbass

Commander [Player Character Name], we’ve entered orbit around Xyxyxgry II. We’re being hailed by an unknown space vessel. Shall I put them on the Spaceship VisComm ScreenBoard [we could just call it a screen]?

Commander, that abomination floating in the void, it’s ... it’s horrifying! Who would’ve built such a monstrosity and cursed something to live inside it? And ... why isn’t it saying anything? Can it speak? What a terrible existence! What’s trapped inside it, Commander? Why did it hail us? Underneath that hideous exterior, it must be suffering unbelievable space torment. Commander, I ... I don’t say this lightly, but I think we should put it out of its misery.

Will you destroy The Land Grant Trophy?

No, it is actually beautiful

Yes [mission fail, it is invincible and perfect, try again]

Will you destroy The Land Grant Trophy?

No, it is actually beautiful

You’ve now 100%-ed every Rivalry Trophy the Shopkeeper asked for. You return to speak to him.

Th- ... thank you, [Player Character Name]. You have ... done something vital. I ... cannot thank you enough.

I feel ... a change coming on. You see, I didn’t just ask you to collect every Division I Rivalry Trophy just so I could make Currency Units. No.

This entire time, I’ve been consuming Rivalry Trophy Energy from each of them! The Red River Shootout Golden Hat’s chaos ... the Iron Bowl Trophy That Is Not An Iron Bowl’s powers of upheaval ... the Great Divide Trophy’s wild brawl factor ... the Commonwealth Cup’s endless nightmares ... the Old Oaken Bucket’s FOREBODING NATURE ... the time-frozen knowledge of Paul Bunyan’s Axe ... the Little Brown Jug’s contrived origin story ... the Cy-Hawk Trophy’s fruitless stat-grinding patience ... the Calvinist mock-insanity of Bedlam ... whatever totem might reference Georgia being 0-3 all-time against Holy Cross ... I’ve even harnessed THE CEASELESS BATTLE BETWEEN LAND AND SEA!

I have absorbed them all, and I have become ... THE MIGHTIEST RIVALRY TROPHY OF ALL TIME!

YOUR POOR DIVISION I MIND CANNOT CONCEIVE OF THE POWER NOW HELD IN MY MOSSY FISTS!

JOIN ME OR PERISH!

BEHOLD!

[Boss Fight Song plays]