Kyrie Irving is a former NBA champion, a six-time All-Star, and is, in his curious way, the vocal leader of the Boston Celtics, a nominal championship contender currently parked three games behind the Victor Oladipo-less Indiana Pacers in the Eastern Conference standings. He is a mega super duper star, but his future with the Celtics has recently been a topic of speculation, which gives rise to the following very serious question: Is Kyrie Irving, in fact, a mighty fraud? The circumstances call for a thorough gathering of facts. To the facts!




Fact 1: The Celtics are undefeated in their last six (6) games played without Kyrie Irving in the lineup, with wins over three current playoff teams, including a road win over a team ahead of the Celtics in the standings.

The Celtics are undefeated in their last six (6) games played without Kyrie Irving in the lineup, with wins over three current playoff teams, including a road win over a team ahead of the Celtics in the standings. Fact 2: The Celtics are winless in their last five (5) games played with Kyrie Irving in the lineup, including losses to the Bulls and Lakers.

The Celtics are winless in their last five (5) games played with Kyrie Irving in the lineup, including losses to the Bulls and Lakers. Fact 3: The Celtics are 9–2 overall this season in games without Kyrie Irving in the lineup.

The Celtics are 9–2 overall this season in games without Kyrie Irving in the lineup. Fact 4: The Celtics went 14–8 in regular season games last season without Kyrie Irving in the lineup.

The Celtics went 14–8 in regular season games last season without Kyrie Irving in the lineup. Fact 5: Since Kyrie Irving joined the Celtics, they have a better win percentage in regular season games without him in the lineup (.697) than in games with him in the lineup (.633).

Since Kyrie Irving joined the Celtics, they have a better win percentage in regular season games without him in the lineup (.697) than in games with him in the lineup (.633). Fact 6: Since Kyrie Irving joined the Celtics, they have won zero (0) playoff games with him in the lineup.

Since Kyrie Irving joined the Celtics, they have won zero (0) playoff games with him in the lineup. Fact 7: Since Kyrie Irving joined the Celtics, they have won 11 playoff games without him in the lineup.

Since Kyrie Irving joined the Celtics, they have won 11 playoff games without him in the lineup. Fact 8: Jaylen Brown has much more experience being the best player on a team in the playoffs than Kyrie Irving does.

Jaylen Brown has much more experience being the best player on a team in the playoffs than Kyrie Irving does. Fact 9: The Celtics just had their dicks pulverized by the Raptors on national television.

The Celtics just had their dicks pulverized by the Raptors on national television. Fact 10: Before he became the de facto second-best player on a team featuring the best basketball player on earth, his Cavaliers teams were horrible and he was a big ol’ loser.

Before he became the de facto second-best player on a team featuring the best basketball player on earth, his Cavaliers teams were horrible and he was a big ol’ loser. Fact 11: Teammates Jaylen Brown, Jayson Tatum, and Terry Rozier all played the best basketball of their careers during Kyrie Irving’s prolonged absence at the end of last regular season, and have all regressed noticeably and troublingly this season, under his stepped-up leadership.

Teammates Jaylen Brown, Jayson Tatum, and Terry Rozier all played the best basketball of their careers during Kyrie Irving’s prolonged absence at the end of last regular season, and have all regressed noticeably and troublingly this season, under his stepped-up leadership. Fact 12: Kyrie Irving’s leadership philosophy was learned via a combination of Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and YouTube conspiracy videos.


A sober and totally unbiased reading of these not-at-all cherry-picked facts of the case leads to only one possible conclusion: Kyrie Irving is a fraud and a bum, and will be the leader and centerpiece of the next truly memorable New York Knicks team, start ing this summer.