EOFERWIC, BRITANNIA—Saying that it really wasn’t such a grandiose request after years of loyal servitude, Ilbert Hildebrondus, a local court trumpeter at the Old Baile Keep, confirmed Wednesday he wishes that, just once, someone would sound the horns for him as he entered the castle gates. “All I’m saying is that one time in my whole career, it’d be nice to get a little fanfare before I walk through that portcullis,” said Hildebrondus, stressing that he wouldn’t even need to be wearing full royal regalia to enjoy being heralded with the short musical flourish he had rendered “literally hundreds of times” for dukes, lords, and viscounts. “I’m not asking for this to be an everyday thing here. All I’m saying is I’m nearly 23 now—I’ve given the best years of my life to this place, and it’d be a really nice reward to get a clarion call and have my name announced.” At press time, Hildebrondus had been flayed alive by the castle guard and displayed in a cage next to the entrance for stepping outside his station.


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