FAUX News and a large contingent of privilege-demanding Christians are always telling me how we atheists are waging a war on Christmas. I always just shrugged it off with, at most, a chuckle at how inane it was. But today I find myself thinking that if we’re going to do the time, maybe we should just do the crime. Ok, let’s take Christ out of Christmas. But what to put in its place?

Foodmas? Food is certainly more enjoyable than than Christ, but it will make you fat if you eat too much of it. Snowmas? It’d make my boss furious (she hates snow with the fire of a thousand burning suns). Sexmas? Getting warmer, but harder to celebrate as a group. Then I remember a discussion I’d had with my friend Cambridge. Cambridge explicitly does not celebrate Xmas. She has created her own, more epic holiday called Friendsmas. No Jesus, just friends, inebriation, and video games. All day. Listening to her tell that story made a light bulb go off above my head: friends! Friends are totally awesome!

Then I made this chart to illustrate how friends stack up to Christ.

So there you have it. Thanks to an odd alliance of FAUX News, Evangelical Christianity, and my good (and godless) friend, I have decided I will take the Christ out of Christmas and replace it with something vastly superior: friends.

Can I now start being offended when somebody wishes happiness upon me the wrong way?