When I was growing up, other than being gay (the unspeakable sin), it seemed like the next worst failing was to be anything other than completely humble. Although, it was really more than humility that was demanded. It was total self denial.

I did a lot of performing, almost all of it church related and I remember the tension I felt. If you put yourself out there you were in danger of making yourself out to be important. If you approached a performance with confidence you were in danger of hurting your ministry. I remember struggling because while I wanted to be humble, I also wanted to be excellent. It seemed like I was being taught that you couldnâ€™t be both.

My mom had this habit of adding the word â€œlittleâ€ before any mention of stuff I was doing. â€œHowâ€™d your little performance go?â€ â€œHowâ€™s your little song coming?â€ It made me angry every time she said it. â€œItâ€™s not little!â€ Iâ€™d huff back. Which then usually got me a lecture about humility. I felt misunderstood. I wasnâ€™t trying to be prideful, but I was also trying to assert that the things I was doing mattered to me. They werenâ€™t little; not to me.

It took me years to unlearn the messages I had been taught about pride and humility. Self shaming, self denial, putting yourself down; none of that is humility. Having to pretend youâ€™re not smart, not taking your education seriously, not pursuing excellence; none of those things are humility. Humility is something completely different. Itâ€™s a way of moving through the world with generosity toward others, itâ€™s the ability to take yourself seriously, but not too seriously. Itâ€™s the ability to give credit instead of taking all of the attention for yourself. Humility can only come from someone who is secure in their own identity and talents. It comes from a place of strength, not weakness.

Lately Iâ€™ve been preparing to re-enter the world of theatre and Iâ€™ve noticed something thatâ€™s given me cause for concern. When people ask me questions about the company and the first production I start out my explanation strong but then I start waffling. Or giving caveats. I say things like, â€œYeah, itâ€™ll be funâ€ as a way to make people think Iâ€™m not taking it too seriously. Or I say things like â€œI hope we can get it together.â€

â€¨Itâ€™s my own version of my momâ€™s â€œlittleâ€. Iâ€™m putting myself down because Iâ€™m nervous. What if I appear confident and I fail? What if people see me taking this seriously and think I canâ€™t do it? What if they mistake confidence for arrogance? What if I am confident and am found out to be a fraud?

None of those equivocations are about being humble, they are about my own lack of self confidence. They donâ€™t help people to see me as humble, they make people see me as unprepared and scared. Every time I offer a caveat, I am diminishing myself.

Many of us creative types do this. We are so invested in our art that it terrifies us. The imposter syndrome lives large in us. We want nothing more than to share our gift with the world, but we fear what the world will think. And so we diminish ourselves before anyone else can. We talk about our art as if itâ€™s just a hobby. We say that weâ€™re auditioning for a role that we really want but that â€œitâ€™s not big deal if I donâ€™t get it.â€ We pretend that rejection doesnâ€™t hurt us because â€œI didnâ€™t really want to do it anyway.â€

And then we wonder why people donâ€™t take us seriously. We wonder why they get mad when we say we canâ€™t hang out because we have to work on a project. â€œWhy canâ€™t you hang out? Why are you wasting time on a hobby?â€

If we want people to take us seriously, we have to take ourselves seriously first.

Hereâ€™s what I want us to do:

No more diminishing comments. Practice speaking clearly about your art and your project without any caveats or â€œlittlesâ€!

Donâ€™t apologize for taking your craft seriously; for spending time on it, or money, or investing to take your work to the next level.

Donâ€™t confuse a lack of confidence with humility. Instead know that being confident in your work and pursuing excellence will allow you the peace of mind to respond to others with generosity and abundance.

Believe in your work. Believe in yourself.

There are plenty of people in the world who will seek to diminish us (for whatever reason) so we canâ€™t afford to diminish ourselves. Instead we should take extra care of ourselves, working on building up our confidence, so that we can move through the world as the artists we truly are.

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