Interviewed: Rory Gildson

Interviewer: Dr. Reeves

<Begin Log, December 17, 2004, 22:00>

Interviewer: Your name is Rory Gildson, correct?

Rory Gildson: That is correct.

Interviewer: Okay. Let's start the interview.

Rory Gildson: Okay.

Interviewer: So what can you tell me about the cow?

Rory Gildson: Well, what do you want to know?

Interviewer: Let's start at the beginning; what was that thing?

Rory Gildson: Well, so do I because I barely know myself. We bought a pregnant cow from someone, like two for the price of one, and one day the calf just fell out of the mama cow. Like just ripped through its chest. It didn't have an umbilical cord and it wasn't moving so we thought it was dead. It also looked fucking disgusting. We hauled it out but the next morning it had at some point woken up and tried to get in the barn. We thought "This little guy is fucked, maybe someone will want to buy him for some scientific study or freak show," so we took it inside.

Interviewer: How long ago was this?

Rory Gildson: It was nine years ago. We tried getting rid of him by posting an ad in the local papers but—

Interviewer: Wait, an ad about selling the creature?

Rory Gildson: Yeah.

Editor's Note: The ad was successfully redacted from all public records

Interviewer: Okay, continue.

Rory Gildson: What?

Interviewer: Nothing, just continue.

Rory Gildson: Alright. Well we placed the ad but nobody would bite so we decided that it was just a waste to keep it, and it probably wouldn't be a good idea to release it into the wild, because we don't know what it is, and doing that could fuck up the ecosystem or something, so we decided to finally put it out of its misery. So we got the cattle gun and we placed it right between its beady fucking eyes and pulled the trigger. There was a "thunk" sound but nothing happened.

Interviewer: And you're sure the gun wasn't compromised in any way?

Rory Gildson: Yeah. And when we tried it again it just ended up breaking the gun. So we decided to try slitting its throat and leaving it there but it barely bled. So next we tried just completely cutting out its throat but it still didn't seem to affect him at all. We decided to try and butcher it right there where it stood but it didn't even react. When we were done he was practically a skeleton. We wanted to get something out of this purchase so we decided to just pack the meat in with the rest and hoped no one would notice.

Interviewer: How did you know that the meat wasn't toxic or something?

Rory Gildson: We didn't. But a couple of days later we realized that he had grown back most of what we cut off him. We cut off some more and then tried it ourselves. It didn't taste any different from normal meat. It was like a miracle. One cow that just eats anything in front of it and produces infinite meat. Of course, we still have other cows kind of for show, so that people don't get curious where our meat comes from, but they don't like Big Charlie. If they get too close and Charlie gets too hungry, he'll eat them. But we don't really care, he'll produce enough meat to cover both of them.

Interviewer: Fascinating. Is there anything else you can tell me?

Rory Gildson: He's sterile.

Interviewer: Okay. Is there anything else?

Rory Gildson: Well not really, that's all there is to say. But you can't take him from us, he's our private property and since he is the only reason we ain't out of a job you legally can't take him away.

Interviewer: Of course.

Rory Gildson: I looked it up.

Interviewer: Do you have any idea how it escaped your possession?

Rory Gildson: No way. Barney always locks up good, and that pen is the strongest pen I've ever seen, there's no way he could have broken it, and Mr. Fine would never let that happen.

Interviewer: Is that so? Do you know why?

Rory Gildson: Well I assume it's because he provides for us, he's the reason we've got a job. It's also probably more than that, I think he thinks of him as like his pet or something. He loves Big Charlie.

Interviewer: Interesting. Is there anything else you would like to say?

Rory Gildson: I guess not. When will I get to see Big Charlie again?

Interviewer: You won't. Thank you for cooperating, I believe we're done here.

<End Log, December 17, 2004, 24:29>