We all know that men are disgusted by women’s vaginas, and with good reason: Each and every one of them smells like the dumpster at a discount supermarket during a heat wave, while men’s balls are a man-scented oasis that lifts your spirits and transports you away from the stresses of daily life. No wonder he won’t go down on you, and no wonder you can’t wait to harvest his scrotum in your cheeks like a lil’ chipmunk! Here are some tips for how to make your “down there” as delectable as his:

Stick a scented candle up there.

Your yucky-yuck-yuck vagina has one scent and one scent only: dog farts. His balls, on the other hand, are a musky olfactory dreamland that brings you back to a happier time. By lighting a candle and sticking it directly inside your cooter, you can attempt to recreate the heavenly, relaxing smell that always rises up out of his crotch. Not to mention, an open flame is a great way to sanitize your hairy clam.

Dangle a slice of cake from your hoo-ha.

Distract him from your putrid female body by elegantly dangling slices of birthday cake near your ladyhole. He’ll be so distracted by the soft, sugary goodness in front of him, he won’t even remember that your meat wallet is nothing but hot garbage. Note: While almost any type of cake will work, do NOT dangle a slice of birthday cake from your fuzzy taco. It will remind him of birth and that you have the ability to get pregnant, which is gross and your biggest flaw and a real buzzkill. Candles or cake work separately, but not together. You only have one shot to get your box on the same level as his balls, do not miss your chance to blow!

Collect sweat drippings directly from his balls and apply as needed.

Nothing beats the real thing. Your natural woman smell is nasty, but the sweat oozing out from his nuts is universally delectable. Treat him to a little taste of what you get to come home to every night and rub that delicious ballsack smell all over yourself. He’ll be so psyched to smell something decent, he’ll probably order a pizza and go down you in celebration.

So ladies, while you can’t totally recreate the yummy-yummy smell of his balls, anything is better than the rotting corpse odor that your gross girl body naturally produces. And remember: If he ends up dumping you, you can always find some pervert who actually likes how pussy smells and goes down on you willingly. You deserve it, freak!