Chapter Nine

….

I placed a hand over my face and giggled, "Oh god, what am I five?"

She rolled her eyes, "It's kid-proof, perfect for you." Patting the bag lightly, she winked and headed to the bedroom, shrugging her damp coat and kicking off her muggy heels.

"You know, Elsa, you don't have to keep doing this," I called out to her.

"Oh shut it, it's just Play-Doh." Her voice carrying through the apartment as she changed out of her work clothes.

Since she did go through the trouble, I indulged her and opened the yellow tubs all over her table. Elsa came back out in comfy sweats and a tank top, plopping onto the sofa while I slid onto the floor. She was trying to be quiet and I found it adorable how invested she was.

She was peering over my shoulder as her breath tickled the back of my neck. I did my best to ignore it, tilting my body so she'd have a better view. That didn't change how close she was. Her presence wasn't anything but wanted.

I glanced over my shoulder, catching Elsa's body leaning over me as she pushed herself up from the sofa for a better view. I couldn't help but laugh, scooting to the side and patting the ground, "Come on down, the carpet's fine."

She bit back a smile, sliding down onto the space in front of me. She was a little hesitant at first, her shoulders tense as she got situated. Then I moved forward, holding out my arms on either side of her body. That's when the muscles in her neck relaxed.

It was as easy as breathing and it felt like we were kids again.

We started making little things like snowmen and stars, all sorts of funky shapes. Putting together colorful bits with no intention of actually making something, we were just enjoying the company. Best part about it was how relaxing it felt. Sure it wasn't exactly stuff I'd do in art class, but it got my hands working again and an easy smile on my face.

Her hands looked delicate next to mine and I relished every accidental brush of her fingers against my own.

In the back of my mind, I wondered what the hell I was thinking. It seemed like the longer I stuck around the less I cared. The years of distance and the silence felt pointless. And the idea of even being with her felt like a dream I couldn't make true.

So instead of pining for once, I closed my eyes and fantasized a life with Elsa, dropping my hands to her sides and wrapping them around her middle. With a tired sigh I lowered my head over her shoulder, resting there for as long as she'd let me.

Her hands stopped as she took a deep breath, "You okay?"

"... Yeah, I'm just tired I guess."

So she leaned further back a little, cuddling up to me as gently as she could... and we just sat there, ignoring the clay as the rain hushed the world around us. She leaned her head into the crook of my neck, breathing deeply as she caressed my knuckles with her fingertips. I could've fallen asleep with her had we not been interrupted.

My phone rang then and I had no choice but to reluctantly detach myself from her to fetch it. I couldn't even hide my disappointment.

"Hello?"

Hey, babe, are you busy?

Of course it was Kristoff. "No, what's up?"

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I kept pacing slowly around the living room, chancing a furtive glance at Elsa. She had pulled her knees close, wrapping her arms around herself and looking just as I had. Disappointed. Sometimes eyes would find mine before she'd look to the ground again in defeat.

As if I had caused her pain.

I needed to put some form of distance, walking to the bedroom and plopping on the mattress. Thank god she didn't follow me. Shit, what was he even saying?

Isn't that crazy, babe?

"Uh yea, it is. How're your parents doing?"

They're great. Mom found a new hobby and-

I zoned out again, replaying everything in my head… wishing it hadn't stopped; the way her skin felt, her shallow breath, and soft hair. Rubbing my face, I huffed irritably and sat up. Leaning on my elbows, I played with the trinkets on Elsa's nightstand to distract me. I ran a hand over a book and twirled a bottle of perfume, but the light tremble in my hands was aggravating. She had such a crazy effect on me… I didn't know what to do anymore.

Tracing a finger along the edge of her nightstand, I grazed the handle to the drawer. With a light tug and no second thought, I opened it absentmindedly but it jammed. I tried pulling on it lightly, even shoving it back to loosen the jam. It made a scuffing noise, making me stop for a second to see if Elsa had heard. If she did, she didn't care to come in.

Kristoff hadn't stopped all the while.

Dad made me come to the office today… I hummed in response, letting him go on with his rant.

With another yank the drawer budged, not by much, but it was enough to fit my hand in. At that point, I was just determined to fix her drawer. She didn't have much in it to begin with, from what I can tell, just a few pens and a bottle of pain killers. They rattled as I forced my hand in, holding the phone between my shoulder and ear. My fingers brushed along something like a stack of papers, maybe?

I wasn't too sure.

Gripping the thick papers, I tried dragging them out, but they were wrapped together. Shit, this was not gonna be easy. I jostled the drawer with my free hand, playing with it until it gave way with a loud thump. The wood nicked my finger with a light scratch. I hissed in pain, "Ah! Son of a..."

Kristoff stopped talking for a second, growing concerned on the other end. You okay?

Now that the jam was gone, I opened the drawer fully, "Yea, I just-"

They were letters, tied together in ribbons and twine. I breathed in sharply, fumbling with the ribbon nervously as I read the name on each one. Anna Porter.

Some were stamped and ready for me to read.

"… Oh my god."

What's going on, babe?

"I-I…" Oh my god. They were here. This was just one handful, looking back in the drawer, there were so many. All of them, tucked away in secret.

She never broke her promise. Elsa never stopped writing to me, she just never sent them out.

My chest tightened, breathing in quicker as I shuffled through the letters. Each one had Elsa's elegant curves found in her writing. I wanted to open them… I felt like I had a right to. But I was scared, god, was I scared. There was a reason she didn't send them and I needed to know. I grabbed another handful from the back.

These were slightly different. They didn't have my address or a stamp. Just my first name and no intention of being sent out. There was something about these in particular that seemed more private and they weren't as crinkled or yellowed. Turning one over and dropping the rest, I ripped the back, exposing a folded slip of writing.

Babe, talk to me. You're scaring me.

"Hold on, Kris."

I held my breath, unfolding the page carefully as my eyes scanned the writing…

Anna,

I wish I can tell you how hard these past months have been. I've wanted to call you and reach out in some way, but I can't. It's even harder with your birthday coming up again, I don't know if I can keep ignoring you. But I think, I think I have to now more than ever. You'll probably never know for as long as I can help it. Anna, I love you and I-

...I couldn't read anymore, finding it hard to breathe. At least, that's what it felt like. I held the paper to my chest as my body trembled, bursting at the seams. Kristoff was still on the other line, waiting. He didn't deserve this. Dear god, I'm a monster. "Kristoff… I…" The shaking was getting worse, "I c-can't do this anymore…"

…What're you talking about?

"Kris… Kristoff, I've made a mistake… I'm so sorry I did this to you."

Wait, Anna.

"You deserve so much better... I have to go…" I hung up on him, turning off my phone and chucking it across the room.

Thunder rattled against window pane, making me jump. It was pouring now, street lamps lighting up the slick streets of Manhattan. I almost didn't hear Elsa approach, the ice cubes in her whiskey clinking for my attention. Her eyes glued to me, "Anna?"

No, she was the last person I wanted to see right now. My chest tightened, lungs taking in double the air as I started to gasp. Her baby blues widened with worry. She tried to get closer just as I darted out of the room, shoving past her. Forcing my boots on quickly, I grabbed a jacket and ran out the front door.

"Anna!" I ignored her cries. I didn't know where I was going and didn't care either, I just needed to run. The steady downpour soaked my clothes in minutes, making the articles heavy like the weight buried in my chest. I didn't stop running as my boots made sloppy splashes with each stomp. "Anna!"

No, please don't.

Elsa was just as crazy, running after me as fast as I was going. The burning in my chest was making me waver, slowing my step enough to a stop as I latched onto a lamp post for air. I heaved, looking down at the flooding streets and watching the dirty water flow into the gutters along the curb. Then a palm pressed into my cold shoulder, forcing me to turn around.

"What the hell, An-"

"Why didn't you send those letters to me!?" She flinched, holding her hand back to her chest. I was pissed, stepping forward as she took a step back, "Tell me, Elsa!"

She gaped at me in horror, her mind racing as she stuttered to respond. I lost my temper, "Give me a damn good reason!" Then she snapped.

"How could I when you were with him!? What chance did I have with you then, huh!? To even believe you felt the same way!"

What...

My cheeks were flushed, feeling hot inside in lieu of the numbing rain, "How long!?"

She breathed, running a hand through her messy hair to prevent another outburst, "What do you mean?"

"How-" my voice cracked, "How long have you known about it?"

She was fighting with herself, "I... Fuck, Anna..." forcing out the words reluctantly as she whimpered.

"Ever since I left for New York… I knew..." Her voice pulled at my gut. I wanted to be mad, but she made it a difficult task.

Fat drops of rain stained the street, smacking down on my face and matting my hair. My chest heaved, whether from exhaustion or anxiety, I wasn't sure.

She looked just as bad. Her blonde hair turned a shade darker, rain clinging to her face and thick lashes as it came down relentlessly. A poorly lit streetlamp made her skin look flush, a far cry compared to her usual complexion. Her mascara had started to run from the edges of her eyes... but she didn't care. I didn't care. She was still beautiful to me even in this weather.

It was cold and wet.

But those blue irises that I've seen throughout my life, they were only focused on me. So fuck the rain, no matter how hard it came down. I was so focused on her lips and the way her mouth was slightly parted. Her bottom lip quivering before her tongue swiped her upper lip, catching a rain drop. I wanted to catch that drop for her. I also wanted answers, proper ones. So, I waited for her to say something, my eyes pleading for her.

God dammit, I deserve that much.

The space between us grew heavy as she took a small step forward, her bare foot squishing a puddle in her way. Another beat passed, the pitter patter of droplets offering background noise to ease the tension. Then she looked down and took her lip between her teeth, holding back what I needed to hear out of fear. That was when I knew it was time to walk away.

I turned on the ball of my foot, my soaked hair whipping around as my boots began to clunk away from her.

"A-Anna, wait!"

I tried to block her out. I tried to. Fuck, she didn't make it easy.

"Dammit, Anna, just hear me out!"

I shoved my fists into the pockets of my rain coat, trudging through the empty street at this dead hour. If it wasn't for the rain, I wouldn't have heard the growing sound of splashing behind me. It prepared me, taking in stride the moment she grabbed me by the elbow and forced me to turn around. Again, she was staring at me with those eyes. They were the brightest of blues, burning with fear of what was coming undone in a matter of seconds.

"Anna, please just wait…"

I was fuming now, nostrils flaring, "Why?!"

I almost laughed. Shaking my head, I gave her a sad smile as tears formed in the corners of my eyes. The rain made it an easy thing to hide.

She was close now, her hand hadn't let go of my elbow and I could feel the heat of her touch through my jacket. Those dainty fingers held on as I forced myself to not reciprocate the touch.

I took a deep breath, "Why, why didn't you tell me from the beginning, Elsa…?"

Her eyes wilted, and she took that plump bottom lip between her teeth once more. She settled for a sigh, "I… I didn't realize at the time… I was naive..."

Of course you didn't realize it, I wasn't any better.

I couldn't hear it anymore. My heart was splintering and I couldn't take it. I tried to back away but she surprised me when her grip held me steady. This time, both hands held my elbows and the jostling action brought us closer. Her breath warmed my face in ways that made my spine tingle. A cold droplet rolled from her eyelash down to my nose. Somewhere in the distance, the rolling waves of thunder echoed as she took another breath.

"Dammit, Anna, I'm trying to tell you…"

Please, don't, I can't do this anymore.

"…I've been in love… with you… ever since I left..." Her eyes searched my own and I could see how vulnerable she had become within that moment. She was broken, just like me.

But I've already fucked it all up.

"I've practically loved you all my life."

I never hated my body so much. It betrayed me, doing what it wanted instead of listening to my head. I was weak and gave in.

With a whine, I wrapped my arms around her neck and crashed our lips together. She gasped into my mouth, gripping the sides of my waist and clawing at my clothes desperately. My shoulders bumped against the lamp post as she pushed me back, pressing her body against my own. I nipped at her bottom lip, loving the way she whimpered in response.

We were struggling for air, fighting the need to stop as she swiped her tongue over the roof of my mouth. The slight tinge of whiskey was intoxicating and I craved for more. The rain hushed out the sounds of the streets, all I heard were her simple cries. It was years of pain and longing meshed together in one hot mess.

It was a mix of our flaws and needs, finally exposed.

We were gasping, pressing our foreheads together so we could breathe. I never wanted to stop kissing her ever again, it was pathetic. "You have no idea how, how long I've wanted to hear you say that," I whispered, rubbing soothing circles along the back of her neck.

I slid my hands down her wet face, cupping her cheeks, "Elsa, I… I should've told you how I felt… We wouldn't be in this mess if-"

"Don't blame yourself. I'm not sorry for this," she kissed me again, softer this time.

"And... Kristoff?"

She didn't miss a beat, "I don't care, he's borrowed you long enough, Anna."

Her words made my chest ache and the whiskey on her breath had my head spinning. I didn't want to listen to the complications that came with all of this. I just knew I wanted her... she had suffered long enough.

I held her close, taking in her washed out perfume as the lights of Manhattan glowed between us.

A/N: Yay, we're finally caught up with the prologue.

Thanks for all the reviews/favs/follows and support. I've really appreciated all of it now more than ever!