LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "It's pretty great not having to second-guess whether the shit I'm doing is causing irreparable psychological harm, so I'd better make the most of the next 10 weeks or so," Hardell told reporters Thursday, explaining that thus far he has been able, with total impunity, to pretend as though he were about to throw his son in the trash to make his friends laugh and watch R-rated movies with him. "It's too bad. I'm really going to miss jokingly calling the boy an asshole every time he drops something." According to sources, Hardell has no immediate plans to stop walking around the house nude.

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