My Personal Battle As A Previous CTFxCer

Bear with me in this block of text. It’s a cluster of thoughts swimming around in my mind that need to be released.

Okay, so let’s start out by saying that I was a fan of CTFxC starting around probably mid-2010. I would watch Alli and Charles’ videos religiously, even getting frustrated when the video wasn’t up soon enough. I was in love with the happiness they brought me, and the love they felt for one another in their happy little life together.

When Alli was in Thailand and Charles had his first episode, I was there, watching and hoping that he would be alright. When Charles was on tour, I admired seeing new places and learning things with him. The wedding was a beautiful event. Their love and hopefulness made me hopeful. I admired Charles’ strength through his battle with cancer, with the ups and the bad days. I couldn’t believe how strongly Alli was there for Charles. I also admired her perseverance in a battle that wasn’t hers to struggle with. Watching her cope with the surgeries, tearily giving us updates on Charles’ condition, showed how much she cared about us CTFxCers. She was with us from the beginning, and with Charles.

There was a moment- I believe when Charles was on tour- when I realized something really important. I would sit impatiently through Charles talking at the camera, waiting for Alli to show us her part of the day. I would scroll through the loading bar, to see if she even appeared for any decent chunk of time. Her stories were the best. Her excursions were the best. Her friends and family were the best. Her sense of life was the best.

When Charles would appear back at home, things would be different. I would see their bond again, but there was something else there. This is why I don’t understand how people didn’t see the divorce coming- even a little bit. They weren’t the Charles and Alli we were used to. Yes, they kept on with life, with the dogs, going out places, but we saw less of Charles going out with Alli at night. He would stay at home, not feeling well, or just not wanting to go out. I would hope that Alli would film something of the night.

Then the divorce video came up. Alli haters rejoiced, and Charles triumphed. I cried. It was a weird sense of loss, and I didn’t know where my emotions pointed me. The many years that I cried with the couple, laughed with the couple, and got life from the couple had ended. Life as a CTFxC viewer felt over. My confusion and I guess pure curiosity kept me watching Charles’ lone vlogs. I saw the Alli hate, and wished Charles would stop addressing any of the hate. I didn’t want this to be a hateful situation. It was a mourning, to be so dramatic. I was confused about Alli’s lack of reply to the situation, but still kept my allegiances split.

Finally, I had a shock of realization while watching a CTFxC vlog.I felt impossibly bored with it all. It wasn’t that I just flat out missed Alli’s presence, it was that watching Charles without Alli to balance his immaturity and idiocy was torturous. I realized that I didn’t just like Alli’s stories or experiences or company in the CTFxC vlogs, I solely enjoyed Alli as a person. Of course, I had heard all the bad things about Charles, all the rumours, and wished to not be part of that.

For all the people taking sides without explanation, or hating one side or the other, take some time and think about which presence you preferred and go by that. It took me time to realize what was amazing about the CTFxC, and Charles trying to ram another person into that pair of shoes is unrealistic. This is how CTFxC lost a fan, and Alli Speed gained a loyal and forever fan.

Alli, I thank you for your positive videos, your realness and honesty, and your love of life. I don’t have enough kind words for you. I always thought that the CTFxC videos brought me out of my shell, but it was you alone who turned a down and insecure teenage girl into a positive confident person such as yourself. Thank you for being awesome.