Hands on Her Hips

Hands on Hips proves Freud right. There's no other way to explain the presence of a fetish site devoted entirely to women posing with their hands on their hips, standing defiantly and angrily in the way so many mothers do when their children misbehave. Somewhere, deep in the psyche of the site's creator, he desperately wants to find and have sex with a mother figure who will discipline him with nothing harsher than a Time Out and denial of television. I guess this fetish is for people who aren't quite into sadomasochistic discipline, but think they might one day be. Bondage training wheels, if you will.

Damsels in Distress

If you played through the original Super Mario Bros and found yourself with a raging boner once you finally found Princess Peach, then Olde Worlde Damsels is for you. Olde Worlde Damsels is also for you, evidently, if you're really into confusing and inexplicable speech bubbles Photoshopped into pictures of the aforementioned damsels. Honestly, I can sort of understand what would compel a human being to poorly Photoshop gags and restricting rope around his favorite celebrities (it sort of functions as a mixture of bondage fetishism and superhero fantasy, I guess), but why accompany the pictures with totally nonsensical quotes like, "I feel like a licorice allsport!" Is the site trying to be funny, or just intentionally make its weirdass fetish even weirder? If you're aiming for the latter, then congrats, guys: mission accomplished.

Paraplegic Climbing Stairs

I could make a joke here. However, the fact that someone finds paraplegic girls attempting to climb flights of stairs sexually arousing is so deranged, so depraved, that I have to wonder just why they find it so fascinating. Best case scenario, these fetishists find something intriguing, inspiring, and subsequently arousing in a paraplegic's power to overcome her disability and function in the same way "abled" people are. She's overcoming a hardship, which empowers her and makes her a figure of respect and eroticism.

I kinda doubt that's why people jerk off to this, though.

Much more likely, and much more terrifyingly, is the possibility that PCS enthusiasts get off on seeing a handicapped woman struggle. They don't get off on seeing her succeed in climbing the stairs (which probably accounts for why she doesn't actually make it all the way up); they just like watching her try, and fail, to make it up each step. These guys get the same sort of enjoyment that sadistic preschool kids get when they turn a tortoise onto its back and watch it helplessly flail its legs in the air, powerless to regain control of its body.

Sick fucks.

Pedal Pushing

Does the image of not particularly-attractive men and women repeatedly pumping their gas pedals make you salivate with horniness? If so, kill yourself. I literally cannot begin to fathom what subconscious sexual desire this fetish satisfies: I mean, there's something sort of handjobby in the image of a limb repeatedly pumping up and down for five minutes, but christ -- if you want to see someone get jerked off by a woman's feet, you can find that pretty easily. Does something about automotive trouble in particular get these guys hard? Do they intentionally attack parts of their engine with a wrench just so they can masturbate when their transmission malfunctions?

Trampling

TrampleCity is evidently for guys who have such an inferiority complex that they can get off on other men being trampled on. Keep in mind that this site doesn't deal with sadistic domination (you know, the sort of thing most quasi-normal sexual deviants are into), but rather the very specific fetish of men getting their friggin' faces stepped on. I honestly can't imagine anyone finding this fetish erotic unless they truly, completely hated themselves. They despise themselves so much, and have such bad luck with women, that they can more easily relate to the image of a man's face getting squished by a woman's boot than the two having sex.

That, or there's no explanation and they're just plain fucking weird.



Sneezing Babes

SneezingBabes knows that nothing is sexier than a woman who's about to unleash a torrent of mucus and saliva in your general direction. I'm tempted to say that's the only thing they know, considering how poorly designed their website is, and how hilariously non-sexual their fetish of choice happens to be. Can you begin to imagine how these guys function in real life? Do they carry boxes of pepper to restaurants, discreetly sprinkling them in the food or napkins of nearby women? Do they get off on their own sneezing? In that case, do they ever leave the house?

We've all heard the urban legend that sneezing is like experiencing one tenth of an orgasm -- given the fact that SneezingBabes subscribers are having real orgasms in addition to the dozens of sneezes they presumably put themselves through, it's probably fair to say that the average sneeze fetishist has at least 7000 orgasms a day.



Nylon Jackets

Thankfully, this nylon jacket fetish site actually includes some "normal" porn -- that is to say, men and women having sex with each other. Granted, they're all inexplicably wearing nylon jackets, but we take what we can get here at DoubleViking.com. In a way, nylon jacket porn could almost be considered one big piece of pornographic Happy Days fan fiction: chicks and dudes who wanted to screw the Fonz, but never got the ability to see Henry Winkler's junk in person, must vicariously re-enact their innermost Fonzarelli fantasies and post them on the Internet.

If a single one of the models on that site doesn't yell "AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" when reaching climax, I'll be extremely surprised.

Dude w/ leg choke fetish

I bet this guy really loves Goldeneye.

Crushing My Dinner

The "Crushing my Dinner" fetish consists of two steps:

1. Woman makes dinner.

2. Woman steps on dinner.

Okay, whatever: I can write off the crushing thing as an extension of foot fetishism. Fine. Great. But why, I must ask, why the fuck would anyone specifically get off on seeing someone prepare food, and then destroy it? Do you just hate food? What did food ever do to you? And hell, that girl took quite a long time to prepare that for you -- forcing her to squish it between her toes after she's finished cooking it just seems like a darn waste of time and effort.

Gut Flopping

I...no.

Words fail me.