The 24 Hours of Le Mans 24 Hours is a 24 hour race that takes place in Le Mans over 24 hours Le Mans. Here is/are the results from this year’s race of that/there.

In the LMP1 class Toyota scored an historic victory over its own misfortune to secure a resounding one-two victory in an emphatic demonstration of how good the Japanese company’s TS050 hybrid cars can be when they don’t have any pesky Audis or Porsches trying to overtake them. Making sure the other drivers of the lead car didn’t get a mention was winner Fernando Alonso who accidentally stood on a bottle of Champagne and then tried to shake the podium over his own engineers in the crowd. “Sorry,” he said later. “I’m a bit out of practise at this”.

The LMP2 class saw mighty battles between the Chassis Whose Name Sounds Familiar G-2 of the Random Words Team You’ve Never Heard Of and the Hey Wait I Know That Name Do They Make Indycars Or Something R550 of Team Russian-Sounding Petrochemical Concern. However, at least one of them was disqualified for having a second team name with too many meaningless words in it, handing victory to the Car Made By Someone You Know But Entered Using The Name Of Someone Else For No Apparent Reason of Scuderia Never Heard Of Them, driven by at least one person you remember from Formula 1 about six years ago.

The GTE Pro category was dominated by Porsche as the lead car of some drivers you can’t quite place came home ahead of another Porsche and some Ford GTs and Corvettes and, wait, isn’t that a guy who used to be in touring cars and that other bloke who did that thing in an Audi here once or is it just someone with the same surname? And then some more Porsches.

The GTE Am category saw some hot and messy racing between the Porsche of Fat American Businessman Racing and the Ferrari of Team Overweight American Dental Implant Surgeons, though both spun out in a place where cars don’t normally spin and just seven minutes before the end of the race, handing a surprise victory to Scuderia Portly American Bankers Who Look Fucking Ridiculous In Nomex And Inevitably Swerve In Front Of Much Faster Cars On The Mulsanne At 3am.

Finally, the GTE Astra category was won by a bloke called Gaz from Hull who says his aftermarket air filter was giving his red top engine “at least” another 50 horsepower.

Le Mans!