NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll released today shows the Presidential race extremely tight among voters who had no access to a working television for the past two weeks.

On the campaign trail, Republican nominee Mitt Romney seemed buoyed by the news, urging his audience not to watch television, read newspapers, or log on to the Internet between now and Election Day.

Mr. Romney attempted to rebut Vice-President Joe Biden’s biggest applause line from last night by telling supporters, “On Day One of my Presidency I will kill General Motors and bring Osama bin Laden back to life.”

As for President Obama’s biggest applause line, “I am the President of the United States,” Fox News said they were fact-checking it.

With the fall campaign officially begun, both Obama and Romney must now spend hundreds of hours and millions of dollars to become President of Ohio.

Only sixty days remain until the election, or in Paul Ryan’s words, “Forty days.”

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Photograph by Gaia Squarci.