LOS ANGELES, CA — In one of the biggest celebrations of white after Labor Day, melanin-challenged male writers and directors in Hollywood came together to make merry over news of Kathleen Kennedy’s contract extension as president of Lucasfilm. The weekend long festivities, whose guest list included long-time Kennedy collaborators Ron Howard and Steven Spielberg, were held at director Rian Johnson’s lavishly appointed Los Angeles pad.

“This is a victory for straight white women who only hire straight white men everywhere,” said feminist film critic Karina Longworth, who has been dating Johnson — of her own free will — for several years now. “Kathleen saved Star Wars and the next three years are looking whiter than ever,” added Longworth, decked out in an all-white suffragette-inspired ensemble designed by Michael Kaplan.

Legendary screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan and his visionary son Jon dazzled in matching white overalls with white shoulder cardigans. Despite their recent Kennedy collaboration under-performingat the box office, the Kasdans are thrilled at their prospects through 2021.

“Solo was a learning experience for us all. The fact is, not every white male director is right for every project. Sometimes you have to take the time to find the right white guy. But Kathy couldn’t have asked for a whiter director in Ron Howard. In the next few years, you’re going to see underprivileged straight white guys like my son, Max Landis, Joseph Kosinsky, Marc Webb, and Jon Watts get more opportunities thanks to the foundation we’ve laid out… and that’s a good thing,” said the elder Kasdan.

For his part, Jon echoed the sentiments albeit in a more modern patois: “Yassss queen” screamed Kasdan in between sips of ‘white chocolate therapy’ — a special dessert wine flown in by Francis Ford Coppola for the occasion.

Of the many highlights from Johnson’s “White Party,” one of the most surprising involved The Last Jedi director himself. In a stroke of brilliance, Johnson subverted everyone’s expectations and greeted everyone on Day 2 in an all-black outfit. “Got’em,” said Johnson as his guests, who had been told to dress in Great Gatsby-inspired all-white outfits, looked on in bewilderment. “What can I say — I have a dark streak!” joked the director, who’s slated to direct an all-new Star Wars trilogy after working on an indie film starring Daniel Craig.

“Listen, three more years of Kat means more and more diversity in front of the camera. But there needs to be balance, and that’s what us straight white dudes behind the camera provide,” said Johnson. “My future’s so white, I gotta wear shades.”

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-William “Willybobo” Bobo