Sometimes, to ensure things go

your way, you need to summon your

fiercer side. But being a bitch-on-wheels

is actually counterproductive —

it turns people off and makes

them want to slam the door in your

face. Susan Newman, PhD, author

of The Book of No, suggests that "if

you walk the line between being

pushy and being a pushover, you'll up

your chances of success." Here, some

guidelines to follow.

Find the Right Tone: When dealing with a frustrating

situation, the right attitude makes

all the difference in the world.

Not Bitchy Enough

Say you have a friend who

never coughs up enough cash during

group dinners and you've had

it. Being passive-aggressive gets

across the fact that you're irritated,

but it won't really change anything.

So skip saying "Wow, someone

didn't put in enough money...." If

you don't address the guilty party

directly, you give her the opportunity

to pretend she doesn't realize

you were directing it toward her.



Too Bitchy

Causing a big scene will get

you nowhere. "When you raise your

voice, you put the other person on

the defensive and they'll dig in their

heels," says Newman.



Just Bitchy Enough

Use a firm, clear, but not

hostile voice, and say something like

"I think you miscalculated what you

owe, and I really can't afford to cover anyone else's dinner." You'll feel better

because you are calling her out but

being decent enough to chalk it up to

a mistake. Here's what to do if you feel

yourself starting to go over the edge

and getting angry: "Stop talking and

take a deep breath," says Judith S.

McClure, PhD, author of Civilized

Assertiveness for Women. Rebooting

will help you keep your cool.



Persuade, but Not Too Powerfully: It takes real talent — and the perfect

level of coercion — to get someone to

see your side of things.



Not Bitchy Enough

Perhaps you think your guy

isn't making enough time for you. Simply

stating that his actions are unfair

isn't going to get you far because you

aren't spelling out what you aren't

satisfied with and how he can fix it.



Too Bitchy

Saying "maybe we need some

space from each other" is the wrong

move because he could call your bluff.

"By making silly or idle threats, you

diminish your credibility because the

other person knows you won't follow

through," says Newman. And you

challenge him to a power struggle.



Just Bitchy Enough

Focus your criticism on the

issue and how you're feeling, not on

what he's doing wrong. For example,

say "I know your boss isn't the most

understanding person, but I feel

cheated out of quality time with you."

This way, you aren't pinning it all on

him. Then take the conversation one

step further by offering "I miss you,

so let's get a long weekend away

together on the books ASAP."

You've stroked his ego, so he'll be

more receptive to hearing you out…

and to taking action. "Since a good

boyfriend won't want you to be hurt

or upset, he'll start thinking about

what he can do to solve the dilemma,"

says Newman.



Know When to Fold…and When Not To: There comes a point in any negotiation

where you are bound to reach

an impasse. The following are the

make-it (and break-it) moves.



Not Bitchy Enough

When going head-to-head

with a snotty salesgirl who tells you

she won't return your purchase, you

may be tempted to stomp off at the

first sign that she's unwilling to bend.

But while a dramatic exit lets her

know you're peeved, you're stuck

with the unwanted merchandise.



Too Bitchy

When it becomes painfully

obvious that what you are pressuring

for just isn't going to happen at that

moment, it's pointless to simply up

the pressure (for example, asking a

store clerk for her manager, then the

manager for her supervisor, then the

supervisor for her boss). Being persistent

is great, but refusing to accept

reality just makes you look pathetic.



Just Bitchy Enough

If your opposition senses

that you're not going to budge until

the situation is resolved, they'll

realize that they're going to have to

compromise with you, says Michael

Lee, author of the online book How

to Be an Expert Persuader in 20

Days or Less Try a line like "I'm

committed to finding a fair resolution

to this issue, so please meet me

halfway," says Newman. Then suggest

a reasonable scenario you could

live with. By doing that, you spell out

in concrete terms what will satisfy

you, which helps move the ball down

the field...in your favor.

Bethany Heitman Bethany Heitman has spent 15 years producing content for women; she is the former editor-in-chief of PeopleStyle and has held senior leadership positions at Cosmopolitan and Seventeen.

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