'With 225 rounds of ammo strapped to my chest, I looked tougher than I felt': Female officer on how service in Afghanistan took an emotional toll

Before service in Afghanistan Lauren Kay Johnson, a lieutenant in the U.S. Air Force, said she was a fun-loving woman who would organize potluck and karaoke nights for friends.

But when she returned from her nine month-deployment in March 2010, the Seattle native struggled to get to grips with civilian life as the memories of war haunted her.

In the November issue of Glamour magazine, she details how 'long hours', 'drab meals of dry meat and soggy vegetables' and constant 'paranoia' that something could happen at any moment, gradually took a toll on her mental state during deployment.



Constant battle: Lauren Kay Johnson, 30, who spent nine months deployed to Afghanistan, has told how the experience left her psychologically scarred and she's still struggling in civilian life three years on

But determined to get on with the job in hand, Miss Johnson learned how to mask her emotions.



'Wearing my bulletproof vest and helmet, carrying an M4 rifle and M9 pistol, with 225 rounds of ammunition strapped to my chest, I looked much tougher than I felt,' she recounted.



Limited internet and phone service added to her feelings of vulnerability as did the fact she was a woman in predominantly a man's world.



The the pretty brunette said that sexual assault a constant worry for her on the front line, because she ‘knew the stories’ and ‘overheard vulgar talk.’



It was only when she returned home to her Florida Air Force base that she realized how her stint in Afghanistan had affected her.

Changed woman: The pretty brunette said she would organize karaoke nights before spending time on the frontline but after, she was plagued by depression which caused her to shy away from society

Recalling her state of mind, she writes: 'Nearly every night I get takeout from the same place. I'm too tired to cool and too antisocial to spend any more time in a restaurant than it takes to pay.'



She also found getting to sleep on her quiet army base an 'extreme problem', as she missed the white noise of war.

The lack of 'helicopters,' 'rumbling armored vehicles' and 'chatting smokers on break', she said, made for an 'unsettling peace'.

'I ' m still working out the finer details, but this I know: Civilian Lauren has bangs. She likes to wear nice, tailored clothing and high heels '

And back at her desk job as a public affairs officer, she found it difficult to maintain focus because 'everything seemed trivial' in light of what she'd been through.



In a bid to get back to her old self, Miss Johnson sought therapy at the mental health clinic on her Air Force base, frequented by many of her comrades.



She was eventually diagnosed with chronic adjustment disorder - a milder form of post-traumatic stress disorder.



On her blog UNcamouflaged.com she explains that she made it her New Year's resolution in 2011 to discover who ‘civilian Lauren’ is.



Source of comfort: Miss Johnson is now settled in a relationship with a fellow Afghanistan veteran, Colin Halloran - the two are set to get married in July 2014

'With a massive life change (and no uniform to wear every day, no institutionalized code of conduct, etc.) comes a bit of an identity crisis.



'Again, I’m still working out the finer details, but this I know: Civilian Lauren has bangs. She likes to wear nice, tailored clothing and high heels.



'She likes to speak her mind, even when people around disagree. She’s feisty, emotional, sometimes irritable (especially when she’s hungry or tired), and a bit moody. But overall, I think she’s pretty cool.

'Wearing my bulletproof vest and helmet, with 225 rounds of ammunition strapped to my chest, I looked much tougher than I felt'

'Wearing my bulletproof vest and helmet, with 225 rounds of ammunition strapped to my chest, I looked much tougher than I felt'



'She’s a veteran. Sometimes she likes to talk about that, sometimes she doesn’t. (It’s a big can of very slippery worms, after all.) But she has accepted it as part of her identity – all the good, bad and ugly parts of it. And she’s proud of it, too.'



Despite her best efforts Miss Johnson, who is currently pursuing an MFA in non-fiction writing at Emerson College, says that she is still not healed.



'It's a process I'm still going through . . . I'm still reconciling the old and new versions of myself . . . I don't yet feel settled.'



However, she adds that she's at least happy and settled in a relationship with a fellow Afghanistan veteran, Colin Halloran. The two are set to get married in July 2014.

