Dealing With A Narcissist

When we have a Narcissist in our lives we quickly learn how manipulative, difficult and unpleasant they are.

What we often find hard to learn is how to deal with them so that we remain in control and as undamaged as humanly possible. I speak from bitter experience here.

The first thing we have to do is to let go of any hope that they will ever become the reasonable, balanced human beings we would like them to be. That just isn’t going to happen. They don’t have either the will or the capacity to change and no amount of being reasonable or reasoning with them is going to make it happen. Letting go of that hope is a huge relief. It means that we accept the reality of what they are and we don’t have to waste emotional energy trying to make them ‘normal’ any more.

So how do we deal with them? First you have to set your own limits on what you will and will not accept - boundaries. You have to make these very clear to the Narcissist, you have to be prepared to repeat them endlessly (they will never learn or accept them) and you have to stick to them rigidly. I have found that it is best to deal with their behaviours one ‘symptom’ at a time, one day at a time.The first and easiest boundary I set with my Narcissistic mother was about what I am and am not prepared to listen to. Like most Narcissists she can be incredibly negative and nasty about people, including me. Working on the principle that people can only hurt you if you let them I decided not to listen to any of her hurtful nonsense any more. We have the power to control what we listen to by putting the phone down or walking away.

The first time I set this boundary we were out on a jaunt to a local market town, some 12 miles from her home and with poor transport links. Her endless bitching and negativity was wearing me down and I lost it with her. I told her that I was sick of hearing it and if one more negative thing came out of her mouth I would leave her and she would have to make her own way home. She spent the rest of the afternoon looking like a goldfish. Every time she opened her mouth to say something, she realised, stopped herself, and shut her mouth again.

I have repeated this scenario in many different ways since then, often sounding like Joyce Grenfell in the Nursery School sketch. We are, after all, dealing with emotional infants here and things have to be repeated time and time again.

She will start, I will say, “I am not prepared to listen to this,” and if she continues I say “That’s enough, goodbye,” and put the phone down or leave.

I have set another boundary by refusing to be manipulated by her. I have made a game of this and I confess that I rather enjoy it. I have told her many, many times that if she wants anything of me, she has to ask. Like many Narcissists she is very arrogant and imperious and thinks that I should anticipate all her wants. She believes that she should not have to ask for anything, that asking is demeaning so she tries manipulation.

I deliberately don’t get it and we can go on for ages, going round in circles with me trying hard not to crack up laughing! Let me give you an example of the type of conversation that we have had many, many times:-

Mother:- “J’s family take her shopping every week.”

Me:- “That’s nice of them.”

Mother:- “Every week without fail.”

Me:- “Good for them.”

Mother:- “Lots of people here [sheltered housing complex] have families who take them shopping.”

Me:- “That’s nice.”

Mother:- “You don’t take me shopping.”

Me:- “You never ask me to.”

Mother:- “I shouldn’t have to ask!”

Me:- “I have told you many, many times Mother, if you want me to do something for you, you have to ask. If I can I will. If I can’t I will tell you I can’t.”

Mother:- “I shouldn’t have to ask!”

Me:- “But you do have to ask.”

Mother (now childishly petulant):- “ I do my own shopping.”

Me:- “Good for you.”

Mother:- “ I go to Aldi with J.”

Me:- “That’s funny. I thought you said that J’s family take her shopping every week.”

End of conversation, usually with her declaring that I am just being difficult. and me trying hard not to laugh out loud.

Another aspect of refusing to be manipulated is learning not to be damaged by the fact that she will issue poisonous diatribes about me to anyone who will listen. This vicious bad-mouthing is extremely common with Narcissists and it, or the threat of it can pin down many people in the victim or scapegoat position for years. So, you just have to move away from it, emotionally.

My mother has done this more times that I can count, spectacularly ruining Christmas a couple of years ago by viciously bad mouthing me to my mother-in-law. That was when I determined never to host them in my own home again. She does it with her friends and the way I look at it is, if they are the kind of people who are prepared to listen to and believe all that bile, they are not the kind of people I want contaminating my life.

These are just a couple of examples of ways that I have found to deal with the Narcissist in my life. Maintaining minimal contact helps a lot, for Narcissists are such HARD WORK. Many people find that no contact is the only way to protect themselves, but minimal or no contact, the important thing is to do what you can to protect yourself.

L.J. - Daughter of Narcissistic Mother