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Today in celebrity gossip: Ashton Kutcher breaks his legendary silence about Charlie Sheen (again), Kylie Jenner parties with Justin Bieber's roommate, and George Clooney plots his revenge against Tina Fey.

Despite owning and operating a bank account gilded with Two and a Half Men's lucrative syndication deals, recently Charlie Sheen still felt it necessary to take unprovoked pot shots at Ashton Kutcher on Twitter: "quit barfing on my old brilliant show." According to Sheen, his once brilliant Chuck Lorre sitcom is now absolutely covered in Ashton Kutcher's barf, just soaked to the bone in it, and he was no longer going to stand by silently. Kutcher remained admirably quiet about this dig at the time, but no longer! Here's how he expressed his frustrations this week on Jimmy Kimmel Live: "Dude, shut the f--k up! Seriously, like, enough already. It's three years later and you're still blowing me up on Twitter? Come on, dude, really?" Guys, Ashton Kutcher has HAD it with Charlie Sheen. But here's the thing about Charlie Sheen that people may not realize: You cannot simply go on a talk show and talk about Charlie Sheen without Charlie Sheen noticing. Because Charlie Sheen definitely noticed Ashton Kutcher's words and returned to Twitter for a response!

Ashton message received. so sorry u sounded like me! well done! my bad I was pissed at other crap & took it out on you. hope u r good xox c — Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) February 6, 2014

A classic yet sincere-seeming non-apology! But lest you think Charlie Sheen had graciously and diplomatically shut the door on this dispute, please keep in mind that he immediately followed that Tweet with this one:

but news flash Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I'll put you on a hospital food diet for a year. c #YaFeelMe Jr? — Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) February 6, 2014

As of press time, former Two and a Half Men co-star Angus T. Jones has yet to chime in, but when it comes to anything involving Charlie Sheen it's worth revisiting Jones' very famous and wise words: "Please stop watching it, please stop filling your head with filth." [Us Weekly]

Ever since getting his butt handed to him by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at this year's Golden Globe Awards, noted prankster George Clooney has been plotting his revenge. But would it shock you to learn that maybe he's not that great at pranks? Sure, his affinity for pranking A-list co-stars is as much a part of his reputation as his magnetic charisma and his smoldering appearances on The Facts of Life, but check out his failed attempt at prank-venge on Fey and Poehler:

I send her a letter going, 'Dear Tina, Listen'. . . It's 'from' Matt [Damon] and it says, 'Look, it sounds hypocritical because I laughed about jokes about George and Leo, but that's sort of what people think about them . . . But when you call me a garbage man it just seems like low-hanging fruit. It seems like an easy joke. I don't want an apology or anything else. I just want you to know that my kid now calls me 'the garbage man.'

Perfect prank, basically! (Not a perfect prank. Because WHAT?). Anyway, here's how Fey and Poehler reacted to that "prank," per Damon's reading of Fey's actual letter on The Late Show with David Letterman:

If your note is part of some George Clooney prank, as I very strongly suspect it is, you A-list amateurs are going to have to step it the f--- up. We are not some easily confused starlets here. We are grown-ass, professional comedians. Please accept this fruit as a token of our sincerity. Best wishes, Elizabeth Tina Fey, Amy 'Boston' Poehler.

TOLD. So basically George Clooney managed to get clowned once again, proving that maybe he's not the genius mastermind of prankery he'd always insisted he was. But guess what? He's NOT done. As he told Entertainment Weekly Radio (which is a thing), he's ready to start Phase 2 of his prank-venge and while he's mum on the details he insists it'll be "pretty brutal."

This one is one that I have it in my hotel room set -- taking pictures and stuff -- I'm sitting there like, 'If I do this, this is downright dirty' . . . I have to think if I'm actually going to do it or not.

Uh-oh. Watch out Fey and Poehler! Do NOT go into George Clooney's hotel room set (whatever that entails). Just avoid it altogether. It involves "pictures and stuff." Guys I hate to break it to you but this prank also sounds terrible. Has Clooney lost his golden touch for pranks? I guess we'll have to wait and find out. [Us Weekly]

A (possibly?) interesting fact about Los Angeles real estate that many outsiders may not be aware of is just how many random properties are owned by celebrities. Apparently celebrities prefer to invest in property rather than the stock market because even in downturns L.A. property generally retains its value. Or something? I am not an expert on celebrity investment. But look at this strategy in action: Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon just unloaded a very ordinary-looking duplex for $267K more than they paid for it, and they only had to wait 7 years after their divorce was finalized to do it! Now contrast that sale with how much money they each LOST on their non-investment properties (i.e., their homes) when those were sold--Witherspoon lost $800K and Phillippe lost $1.2M--and it's clear that celebrities should only flip stucco-laden duplexes from now on. Whoops, this wasn't actually very interesting. Sorry about that. Let's just Google Image Search Ryan Phillippe again. [Daily Mail]

"What will Kris Jenner think?" the Daily Mail asks with profound, alarmed concern. What indeed! Just kidding, do we really think Kris Jenner would object to her daughter Kylie Jenner spending quality time with Justin Bieber's recently arrested roommate Lil Za at Bieber's recently raided Calabases party pad? Of course Kris Jenner would not, especially so long as there were cameras at the ready and Daily Mail headlines to be had. If anything, Kris Jenner would take one look at the Instagram selfies of her daughter hanging out with the known ne'er-do-well and Bieber enabler and beam with a maternal pride to outshine the stars. "That's my baby," Kris Jenner probably thinks, wiping a tear from her rapidly misting eye. "That's m'girl." [Daily Mail]

With a career as long, storied, and influential as Stevie Nicks' is, it makes sense that People would focus exclusively on her lack of boyfriend, right? Nothing offensive or awful about that! Just what even is a human being without a significant other? Trash, that's what. Just miserable, lonely junk who should walk directly into the ocean. Anyway, the good people at People recently interviewed Nicks about her mystical career and made sure to ask plenty of questions about Nicks' love life, to which she had plenty of responses:

It would be fun if I could find a boyfriend who understood my life and didn't get his feelings hurt because I'm always a phone call away from having to leave in two hours for New York or a phone call from having to do interviews all day long. . . It's not very fun to be Mr. Stevie Nicks.

Uh, first of all, DOUBTFUL. Can you imagine all that unspoiled access to spells and hexes and her potion cupboards? But second of all, Stevie Nicks, you are not that busy. I mean yeah you do the occasional Fleetwood Mac reunion concert for aging Boomers up way past their 9pm bedtimes, and yeah, you're obviously taking Ryan Murphy's calls still. But come on. Something tells me a Mr. Stevie Nicks would be seeing A LOT of you, just sort of twirling around the living room in a top hat all day every day. Somebody please just date Stevie Nicks already! Make her life MEAN something finally. (Note to Stevie Nicks, this is all in good fun, please don't hex me, girl.) [People]

An entire generation of young'uns currently quotes Mean Girls with the kind of ardent devotion not seen since previous generations quoted Clueless and Heathers. If you consider yourself of the Mean Girls generation, then this photo of Lindsay Lohan and Mean Girls co-star Daniel Franzese that Lohan just 'grammed might make you feel things. Good things or bad things: It's truly your call.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.