DURHAM, NC—In an effort to improve the company’s image amid criticism about poor conditions in its warehouses, e-commerce giant Amazon has begun to ship workers in packages to personally assure customers they’re being treated well, sources confirmed Friday. “When people who don’t know any better criticize my employer, they’re totally ignoring the fact that Amazon just sent me on an all-expenses-paid trip across the country in this nice, sturdy box,” said an Amazon employee identifying himself as Wilson O’Connell, one of thousands of Amazon workers around the country who reportedly emerged from a cardboard container filthy and covered in their own excrement, holding the items the customer ordered and immediately launching into a speech about how much they loved Amazon and appreciated the tough love of their managers. “I had a very pleasant journey, actually, because only Amazon would give me three days to myself like that. They’re so thoughtful and always looking out for me. At first, I didn’t like the big, dark box, but I realized that those negative feelings were totally my fault. I mean, some people don’t even have boxes to be packed and shipped in, so I realized I should be grateful. I hope you enjoy the Fire TV Stick shipped here with me, and I want you to remember that I’m happy—so very, very happy to work at Amazon. I’m so excited to walk back to Seattle and see all my best friends at the warehouse.” Sources confirmed that several customers had decided to return their items after opening their packages to discover that the Amazon employee inside had died on the journey and the words “I love Amazon” were repeatedly scrawled on the inside of the box.

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