[editor’s note: I stumbled across this post when it had just one comment and it really reached out to me. I was hoping more people would see it and upvote, and get to read more about the impact BTS can truly have on someone. I think this post touches on a lot of thoughts I’ve had after I’ve become a BTS fan as well. Hopefully it’ll resonate with you too. The writing style of the author is also much more poetic than your average pann post and I really enjoyed translating it.]



I am a thirty year old—no, in a few days, a woman who will be thirty-one.

And up until the beginning of this year I didn’t know that a singer [artist] called ‘BTS’ existed. After the first year of middle school I lived a life that had no interest in idols.

In high school when my friends would cheer on TVXQ [DBSK] I stared at them pitifully thinking 'Aigo those immature kids’ and I thought of myself proudly for not being swayed by that sort of atmosphere.

Whenever I listened to music on the top charts on streaming services I would skip any songs that seemed to be sung by idols. Even if I don’t listen to it, it’s obvious [as to what it would sound like]. What sort of expectation would I have of their musical and singing abilities from kids who seems to be printed from a factory. I hated, to the point of having goosebumps, young boys with makeup and color lenses on, acting as if their looks were fatal, so I’ve never even seen anything like a music show.

BTS’ main fanbase has got to be those in their 10’s and 20’s. And I have passed that period as well.

I thought that the wandering and apprehension I felt during my teens would fade away naturally in my twenties. However, my twenties gave me yet a larger sense of wandering and apprehension, and I took the saying 'it is youth because it hurts’ as truth and took that beautiful youth and vainly burned with passion in living out my life in a cutthroat way.

I thought a flame would have been made by how much had been burned, but when I entered the first door of my thirties I only had ashes left in my hand. And at the same time I experienced the saddest parting of my life [2]. I didn’t want to live diligently any longer. In my teens I could have dreamed of some vague hope, but I felt like I became of an age where I couldn’t dream any more.

I felt misery towards myself who had a troubled life that wasn’t particularly different than when I was a student and who had failed at even love. I became depressed and spent many days at cafes sitting by myself and staring off into the distance. But one day at the cafe a song uniquely got caught in my ear.

I found myself dwelling over the lyrics of the song without even realizing it and I felt strange. I can’t explain how I felt at that moment even today. Right there, I turned on a song finder app and I found out that the name of the song was 'Spring Day’.

And that was the first opportunity that I got to know the artist known as 'BTS’. Thinking, 'what sort of name is this for an artist’ [Bulletproof Boy Scouts in Korean] and searched the name to find they were a seven member idol group.

In addition, I discovered that this song had lyrics written by and was composed by someone named Rap Monster [will use RM from here on to refer to him]. It was extremely unexpected. 'Bulletproof Boy Scouts’ and 'Rap Monster’. Just looking at the naming it seems off-balance with a song called 'Spring Day’, right? ㅎㅎ I think that actually piqued my interest more.

I continuously repeated listening to 'Spring Day’, whose lyrics felt like they were written about my heart, and ended up watching their music videos and stage performances as well. I was a person who felt disgusted towards idols, but how pretty their videos, their dance, their song lyrics, and the melodies felt, and with that feeling of healing I listened to their music and watched their videos, and listened and watched repeatedly to forget my reality as if I was taking a dose of medicine to treat depression.

In some ways it was pitiful. At age 30 watching young idols and escaping reality… having never been on an international vacation, lacking a proper hobby—it was something I couldn’t imagine myself doing as someone who just busily and drearily lived just to make enough for living expenses.

But regrettably, to the person I was then, it was the only thing that could comfort me. I was so lonely, and while I felt comforted by them, that fact made me more pitiful and I felt discouraged dozens of times.

And I continued to endure day by day in that way until I saw the text below on Twitter by chance.

https://twitter.com/BTS_twt/status/686588745252917248

“““



I’m thankful that you are a fan of me and us. I am also your fan. I am a fan that silently cheers on the loneliness, the fight, and the life that you bear alone. From behind the stage, from the studio, for a long time through notes and through music I send you my fan letter. I hope that you will read that yearning sound.

“““



The moment I read this I felt like I had been hit on the head and, without realizing it myself, tears started to roll down. Later I think I even cried out loud.

Up until then I had thought that I listened to their music and felt healed and I thought I was a consumer who was consuming a well made product.

Lovable visuals and splendid performance, trendy music and lyrics that stimulated one’s sensitivity. Through those aspects that had been thoroughly commodified, I briefly felt comfort and as payment these young kids and their agency would gather an enormous amount of money that I couldn’t even dream of.

But the moment I saw the text above I thought, 'It wasn’t that. I am receiving comfort from a person, as a person,’ and the tears started to pour out. And after a long while I learned that this was written directly by RM.

After this I started to like BTS more passionately. I downloaded an app called VApp and as I watched the content on that app I learned what a pure and healthy mind these kids had and how large the respect and love they had for each other was, and how sincere their love was to their fans.

And through different performances and mixtapes, and from watching live concert footage I learned how mature and talented these kids were musically. If 'Spring Day’ was sung by a someone who had no skills but was an idol who only won through their visuals I don’t think I would have fell this far.

And as if to prove that my thoughts were not wrong, after that they received popularity overseas that seemed like a lie and won victory after victory and in the blink of an eye took a seat as a world star.

In no time, a year has quickly passed and today, although I am still surviving with a miserable life, they have been running step by step towards the summit.

That feeling of unbalance is sad but it doesn’t hurt like before. Through being healed by them I’ve become more brighter, and although my life is a bit bitter, I want to give a sincere round of applause to them.

And… Yesterday I ended up seeing BTS’ concert videos that came up on Twitter, and at that scene RM, as if planned in advance, said the following.

Link: https://youtu.be/86U37rELe9A

“””

And the last thing I really wanted to say,

In letters or sometimes in words that have been delivered…

'It’s great that you guys have done so well, but my life, my dream is still in the same place and it feels that you guys are going further and in one way I feel uneasy.’

But we also did not believe in ourselves.

That we could do it, that things would turn out well…

"Could we, before we die, perform at a gym once and retire?” “I’m not sure.”

What I want to say to you is, we, too, were filthy in the beginning. We, too, did it.

If it is you, who recognized and understood us…

(you can do it too).

For your dreams and your for your life, if our existence, our music, photos, and videos—even just a little bit—when your pain is at 100, if these things can make it 99, 98 our worth is enough.

I really love you.

-20171210 Wings Final Concert RM Ending Ment-

“””





When I first heard this ment I didn’t cry as when I first saw RM’s words on Twitter. Instead my heart felt hot and I found myself smiling.

And, from a boy who is barely 24, I’m surprised and thankful that I can hear these comforting words that are filled with a deep respect and understanding.

Although my twenties and their current twenties were different as heaven and earth, through his sincere words, as someone who is living through her thirties, I have not become miserable.

A while ago I read a post on pann about RM’s misogynistic lyrics. After that, reading books about feminism, consulting with a women’s studies professor, and changing lyrics during their concerts—stories about his self-reflection and effort have been detailed in that post so I won’t refer to it separately.

The reason why I am writing extensively about my honest personal circumstances is that you can’t judge this boy’s entirety through a couple words in his song lyrics.

In the self-written song 'Born Singer’ which they made in their debut days the lyrics that read, "What is your dream, mine is becoming a rap star” was changed and sung as “What is your dream, mine is being myself” five years later at their concert.

From being a boy who dreamt of being a macho rapper in his teens to becoming a young man in his twenties who sincerely wants to be himself, he grew and matured at an outstanding pace compared to his peers, and the fact that through that process he gifted to others, like myself, an unimaginable comfort and healing.

I was also surprised that Suran’s 'Wine / If I Get Drunk Tonight’, which I was deeply into and listened to on repeat, was also produced by Suga, which I found out a short while ago at the Melon Music Awards.

And at the most recent concert Suga said he had something he wanted to say that he couldn’t because he was too dazed.

“If you lower your prejudice and stereotypes by just a little bit, there will be way more amazing music in your vicinity.”

I, too, was caught in that prejudice and treated their music as taboo, and at the same time as someone who was healed by their music, I want to express how true those words that Suga said are.

This song is called LOST and was written and produced by RM.

http://tv.naver.com/v/2157944

“To lose one’s path, it is the way to finding that path” I hope these lyrics can give someone like me who has been wandering, in their teens and twenties, and in their thirties, a great hope and courage.





[1] https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=aigo

[2] More colloquially, the word is used to refer to a break-up.

[source]

http://pann.nate.com/talk/339788204?page=1#commentBox

