Note: The next three or so chapters (including this one) get kind of heavy with talk about Ivy’s history with drugs (including references to a fatal overdose). Proceed with caution for the next few chapters if those are sensitive topics for you!

———————————————————————

The pillow beneath Ivy’s cheek was wet with tears. She closed her eyes for a few moments, trying to choke back another sob that threatened to shake her entire body.

She was so tired of crying. But she was tired of feeling lonely too. She was tired of feeling so helpless. She was tired of… everything, really.

With a heavy sigh, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, sitting up at last. Come on, Ivy. Don’t let yourself think like that! She scolded herself mentally. Those were the types of thoughts Dr. S had warned her about… The kinds of thoughts that brought on that familiar, dangerous urge.

Things will get better, Ivy reminded herself, wiping away a few of her tears. They always do.

It was something of a mantra she’d been telling herself for almost as long as she could remember…

When she was six years old and her parents passed away.

When she was ten, and she and Finn lost their grandmother too.

During the eight long years they spent together in foster care.

And during everything that happened after…

It still hurt so much to remember all the terrible things she’d done when she and her brother were on their own. She was only eighteen years old, trying to raise a fifteen year old all by herself. It was just too much. She couldn’t handle it, even with the extra money the state provided to them.

So, when an opportunity for more money presented itself, Ivy was eager to take it.

And it was the biggest mistake of her entire life.

The dealers Ivy worked for gave her more money than she ever could have dreamed of. She was able to quit her job at the grocery store and still have enough to make ends meet. And, for a long time, Finn was none the wiser.

It really started to feel like her silly little mantra was finally coming true… After all that time, things were finally getting better.

But they weren’t. Not by a long shot.

And it wasn’t just her own growing addiction that was causing problems… Ivy delivered drugs to dozens of clients every single week, never once considering the damage she could be doing, or the impact her actions could have caused on their lives.

But one day, she finally learned the truth… In the worst way imaginable.

It was a client she’d been delivering to for nearly a year. His name was Michael, but besides that, Ivy barely knew anything about him. She was only twenty-one at the time, and there was no way this guy was much older than she was. Did he have siblings, she wondered? A wife? Children? Was he close to his parents? What were his talents? His hopes? His dreams?

Ivy would never know. His body was stiff and cold and pale when she found him. The syringe was still in his hand. A syringe that had once been full of heroin that she had brought to him.

She’d killed that man. Maybe not directly, but why did that matter? It was still her fault… She’d had a hand in his death. And nothing would ever be able to take it back.

And who knew how many others she’d harmed as well? At the time, her mind had been racing, suddenly recalling several clients whom she’d stopped making deliveries to long ago. Ivy had never really wondered why before… But even now, the thought still made her stomach turn.

It was a guilt she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She was a murderer. Responsible for the death of his poor man… and maybe others too.

After that, Ivy stopped trying to fool herself into believing that things would get better. Because she knew they never would. No matter how hard she tried or how much she wished for it, she knew it would never happen. She tried to back out of her arrangement with the dealers. She tried to quit the heroin.

And she failed at both… miserably.

That was when she realized that things were truly hopeless. She’d never be the type of sister Finn deserved. She’d never be able to make a better life for him… or herself either. She’d never get to be happy. And she didn’t deserve it anyway, did she?

Or at least, that’s what she used to believe. Until she met Harper.

Ivy had once called Harper her ‘silver lining’… But she was so much more than that. She was the one good thing Ivy had had in her life for a long time.

Sure, she was stubborn, and could be pretty frustrating. And she certainly wasn’t the best communicator in the world… But then, neither was Ivy. She couldn’t help but smile slightly at the thought. There was a lot the two of them had in common… and not all of them good.

But Harper was so much more than that too. She was strong — so much stronger than she realized. But vulnerable too, once she worked up the courage to show it. She was always looking out for Ivy, and doing her best to take care of her.

Harper was the most beautiful woman Ivy had ever seen. She was smart, and creative. She never failed to make her laugh, even in her worst moments.

Ivy had been with many women over the years — from the awkward experimenting of her teenage years to the shameful, sickening way she’d often paid for her drugs.

But none of them had ever been like Harper. Not even close. She’d never felt so connected to anybody in her life. She’d never found someone who made her feel like she was worth something. Who helped her truly believe that she wasn’t a monster after all.

And she’d never fallen in love with anyone either…

Until now.

It had been so tempting to tell Harper the truth — to confess all the things she felt for her. But Harper had been right all those months ago — It was easier for them to not put labels on anything, and to part ways as nothing more than friends. Harper was back at home with her son now. Living her life. Getting better. Moving forward.

The last thing she needs is someone like me holding her back…

Ivy knew she couldn’t tell Harper how much she loved her. No matter how much she wanted to, or how much she longed to know if Harper felt the same.

It still felt nice to think about sometimes though — the idea that Harper loved her too. Her words on the day they’d said goodbye still echoed in Ivy’s mind, even now — “I love…d the time we spent together.” Was that truly what she’d wanted to say? Or had she almost let something else slip?

Maybe someday, Ivy would have her answer. Maybe when they were both out of there, they could reconnect, and find a way to make it work. Maybe what Harper taught her would prove true once more — Maybe things would finally get better again.

But Ivy tried her best not to get her hopes up too much.

Maybe we were just never meant to be, she wondered. Star crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet…

Ivy just hoped their story would have a happier ending.