FREDERICK, MD—Calling them spineless and utterly devoid of dignity, witnesses described Wednesday how the pathetic hands of local man David Bromley allow themselves to be subjected to his every whim. “Look at how those meek little stooges obey his every command, no questions asked; have they no sense of shame at all?” said observer Jane Hadfield, 37, noting that if the subservient worms had an ounce of guts they would have stood up to Bromley years ago. “It’s as if they’re oblivious to how embarrassing it all looks. If he says right, they go right. If he says clench, these weak-willed saps clench until he tells them it’s okay to release. I bet you they’d press themselves against a hot stove if he wanted them to.” At press time, Bromley and a potential business client were forcing their respective minions to engage in a humiliating little hug.

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