Creators of FEMA’s new Presidential Alert System, which lets the White House send text messages to practically every phone in the United States without the option to opt out, expressed relief today that it will be in safe hands.

“Thank god we don’t have a leader who would think to abuse it.”

The system was created by law back in 2015, but is only coming into force now, right before the 2020 midterms. When drafting the law granting the authority to reach almost every citizen, legislators were careful to include language that expressly said the system only be used for informing the citizenry about natural disasters, acts of terrorism, and other threats to the public good.



“Fortunately we don’t have to worry about it being hijacked for other purposes, as there’s a law against it.”

The White House hasn’t commented on the new system yet, but did announce that President Trump will be using twitter a lot less in future.

“He says he doesn’t need it anymore.”