LOS ANGELES—Confirming the widely held theory that, hoo boy, that dame sure is somethin’, a study released Monday by researchers at UCLA found that they just don’t make ‘em like Ginger Rogers anymore. “After an exhaustive five-year survey of thousands of little numbers who may be real firecrackers but ain’t even a patch on Ginger Rogers, we concluded that there’s no two ways about it: That twinkle-toed little pigeon must be the finest damn thing to ever strut her stuff on the silver screen,” said lead author Dr. Alan Grayson, adding that their data suggest God really broke the mold with Ginger Rogers and, moreover, that any square from Delaware would flip his wig seeing them gams of hers in Kitty Foyle. “We found, furthermore, that whether she’s cutting some rug in Swing Time and Flying Down To Rio or breaking hearts in Top Hat, there’s just no game Ginger Rogers can’t ace. In short, Ginger Rogers is a once-in-a-millennium talent and not since Harlow has Hollywood seen a star of her caliber, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, brother.” Grayson also noted that the survey conclusively proved Fred Astaire was one three-times-lucky sum’bitch.

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