SCP-1863

A glass of SCP-1863-A present in an advertisement by the Citrox Corporation.

Item #: SCP-1863

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Individuals affected by SCP-1863-A are to be separated from individuals affected by SCP-1863-B. Both subgroups are to be kept at Site-28 for study, and are not to be made aware of the other party, and are to be given access to either SCP-1863-A or SCP-1863-B, dependent on their subgroup, to ensure their continued survival.

SCP-1863-A and SCP-1863-B are to be treated as Level III (Circumstantial Level IV) Biohazard. Personnel interacting with SCP-1863-A or SCP-1863-B are to praise the respective instance on various qualities, such as its taste, its superiority to its competitive brand, its bouquet, and "the remarkably low level of sodium benzoate".

Description: SCP-1863 is the designation for two competing soft drinks sold exclusively within the town of [REDACTED], Alabama. SCP-1863-A is a sparkling lemon-lime soft drink with hydrogen used in place of the dissolved CO2, sold as "Lime Liftoff" from the Citrox Corporation. SCP-1863-B is a non-caffeinated Root Beer and cream beverage known as "Sarsaparilla Cream", sold by Carl's Caffeine Club. Neither of these organizations have any record of operating within the USA prior to the discovery of SCP-1863; however, the Citrox Corporation reportedly operated out of the city of [REDACTED], Diekirch District, Luxembourg from 1982-1999.

SCP-1863-A and SCP-1863-B are both highly addictive, despite having identical composition to equivalent non-anomalous soft drinks. Both SCP-1863-A and SCP-1863-B are capable of reacting to specific phrases, mainly praises or criticisms of the specific qualities of the SCP-1863 instance, such as flavor, chemical content, appearance, etc. Praising the respective SCP-1863 variety while condemning the competing variety appears to dampen the addictive effect. However, criticizing SCP-1863-A or SCP-1863-B while in the presence of the respective instance can lead to various chemical reactions, such as pH fluctuations, combustion, or solidification when introduced to the human digestive tract.

Both varieties of SCP-1863 are highly mutagenic, capable of drastically altering the functions of human organ systems.

SCP-1863-A mutates the diaphragm, causing it to act like a flotation bladder; it is capable of inflating with hydrogen gas either from the atmosphere or from SCP-1863-A and allows for humans who have imbibed a sufficient quantity of SCP-1863-A to float up to 3m above the ground. Failure to regularly imbibe SCP-1863-A after drinking it results in the diaphragm collapsing, leading to suffocation without mechanical assistance.

SCP-1863-B instead targets the respiratory and circulatory systems, and removes the necessity for respiration, allowing the human body to function without the need for oxygen, instead relying on carbonation from SCP-1863-B or carbon dioxide from the atmosphere to perform bodily functions. Subjects who have drunk a sufficient quantity of SCP-1863-B are capable of indefinitely staying in environments where a human being cannot survive without a breathing apparatus, such as underwater, in gas chambers, or at high altitudes without any detrimental effects. Failure to regularly drink SCP-1863-B after drinking it for the first time results in the inability for oxygen to be used in the body, and as the body cannot intake carbon dioxide without assistance from SCP-1863-B, death inevitably results within 24 hours of last consumption of SCP-1863-B.

Furthermore, SCP-1863-A drinkers will be highly aggressive towards individuals who have drunk SCP-1863-B at any point in their life, with the converse being true for individuals who have drunken SCP-1863-B. If an individual drinks both SCP-1863-A and SCP-1863-B within a 89 hour period, an anomalous chemical reaction will occur between the hydrogen and carbon dioxide in the two drinks, causing the digestive system to inflate [DATA EXPUNGED].

Recovered Documentation: Over the decade SCP-1863-A and SCP-1863-B have been in competition within [REDACTED], several marketing campaigns have been launched with varying levels of aggressiveness. The following documents are transcriptions of various print, televised and radio broadcast ads from the last 10 years within [REDACTED], Alabama. Images from print ads have been removed for the sake of transcription.

NEW NEW NEW! Heya, fellas and gals! Why don't you go down over to your local soda jerk and ask for some Sarsaparilla Cream? It's super-duper good! The taste is so breathtaking, you'll never take another breath! Guaranteed or your money back! Don't have some new-fangled fancy-schmancy scurvy drink; what are you, a buccaneer? Stick to Good Old Root Beer, a real Albanian Drink! Only from Carl's Caffeine Club!

Absolutely Weightless [Image of a woman dressed as a 1950's housewife, floating above a kitchen floor while drinking from a bottle of SCP-1863-A] Lime Liftoff will lift your spirits, and you! Available at all fine retailers within [REDACTED]. Only from Citrox Supporting Schools in [REDACTED] Since 2000. Citrox Corporation waives all responsibility for injuries or deaths caused by drinking Lime Liftoff

[An animated anthropomorphic Sarsaparilla root appears on the screen against a black background, and starts talking] Roddy Root: Hey, kids, I'm Roddy Root, and there are some things you should know about Lime Liftoff before buying it! Roddy Root: Did you know that the Citrox Corporation gets its ingredients through slavery? Slaves in countries like Colombia, Chile and Florida are forced to pick all the limes and lemons used, and the hydrogen in Lime Liftoff comes from the bladders of the Swedish Sky Moose; there are only 300 left in the wild, and the rest of the 10,000 are in farms or zoos owned by Citrox! [Roddy Root points at the screen accusingly] Roddy Root: People! The Citrox Corporation only exists to make their pockets deeper while screwing over the little guy! And after all that, they have the audacity to charge $1.22 for their soda! Do you want to support an evil corporate empire like that, one that enslaves thousands to make one lousy bottle of flat soda- [Roddy holds up a bottle of SCP-1863-B and drinks from it, making an "ah" noise] Roddy Root: Or do you want a real All-Armenian Drink, like Sarsaparilla Cream? It's 100% made in the USA, and only costs 50 cents. Buy a bottle today!

Stanley Jones, announcer for WU[REDACTED], the local National Public Radio station: We have something very special for our listeners today; Steven McPusdaidla has released a statement exclusively to WU[REDACTED] regarding the recent controversy that's been brought up regarding their Lime Liftoff product. With us now is the CEO of Citrox, Steven McPusDaidla, joining us via satellite. Steven, welcome to the program. [The next three minutes, 28 seconds are a loud, unintelligible screech, followed by an unknown female voice saying:] Unknown Speaker: Citrox Corp. Elite Products for Elite Tastes. Jones: Sorry about that, folks, I've just been told that Mr. McPusdaidla, CEO of Citrox, has had complications with his audio equipment. There's gonna be a transcription of that on Citrox's website come tonight, without any audio errors. Sorry for that hiccup.

[Roddy Root is seen sitting behind a desk, looking sober and drinking from a bottle of SCP-1863-B] Roddy Root: Hey, kids. Roddy Root again. Recently, something bad has happened in this little Argentinean town of [REDACTED]. A bunch of kids recently mixed Lime Liftoff with good old Sarsaparilla Cream [Roddy Root indicates the bottle] and then drank it, with tragic results. Roddy Root: Kids, I think this just goes to show why people who drink Sarsaparilla Cream and Lime Liftoff should never mix. [Roddy Root stands up and angrily points his finger at the audience] Children, it is your duty as citizens of this proud country to go out and destroy every bottle of Lime Liftoff you can find. Make sure nobody drinks it. As for the filthy Limey Drinkers who have already had it, let them burn. [The backdrop turns into what is believed to be an amalgam of the Argentinian Flag and an American one] Roddy Root: Now go! Make sure that nobody drinks this awfulness! For the sake of Carl's Caffeine Club!

Hey, boys, girls, and various hermaphrodites! It's time to enter Citrox's THIS MEANS WAR Contest! In the course of our friendly corporate rivalry with Carl's Caffeine Club, several allegations have been brought up against Citrox, and we need your help to disprove them! There are three ways you can enter the contest:

1. Write an essay about Lime Liftoff and how it's changed your life for the better. One essay=10 tickets into the raffle.

2. For those of you who have had enough Lime Liftoff to gain the Special Liftoff Power®, pass out fliers and free samples to your friends! For every 20 fliers you pass out, or every 10 free samples, you gain a raffle ticket to be put in the raffle, up to 10.

3. Go out and smash some bottles of Sarsaparilla Cream! For every broken Sarsaparilla Cream bottle you send back to Citrox corporate headquarters, you automatically gain a raffle ticket! Just remember, kids, don't drink it! Grand Prize winners will receive a lifetime supply of Lime Liftoff, and all sorts of great official swag, plus a PlayStation 3 and Games! Drink Lime Liftoff. Your life depends on it!

[A Text Crawl appears across the screen] Carbonation And You: A Message from Carl's Caffeine Club [Roddy Root appears, dressed in a stereotypical American General's uniform] Roddy Root: Heya Kids! Roddy Root here! You all know by now that if you drink enough of our Sarsaparilla Cream, you don't need to breathe anymore! Isn't that nifty? What's even niftier is how you can use it! [Scene cuts to a live-action shot of the pond in front of the [REDACTED] Public Library; five people are walking past, drinking from bottles of SCP-1863-A. All of the individuals are dressed in a manner that suggests financial and social well-being. The entire scene is filmed in black and white; Roddy Root continues to speak in a voiceover] Roddy Root: Take this pond, right in front of the library! Jessie and Billy are in the pond right now, but you can't see them, and neither can the Lime-Drinkers! Let's see what happens. [A pair of teenagers, one male and one female, suddenly emerge from the pond, wielding 9mm pistols; both are dressed in a manner that suggests that they are lower-class. The female individual jumps on an SCP-1863-A drinker, who suddenly inflates; she grabs the bottle of SCP-1863-A from his hand, smashes it against his head, and stabs the drinker in the stomach with the shards. The male individual subdues and then kills two other drinkers, with the remaining two inflating and attempting to escape via flight] Roddy Root: Because they had the element of Surprise, Jessie and Billy were able to eliminate three of the targets! But two are getting away! [The remaining two SCP-1863-A drinkers are shot in the stomachs, causing them to fall to the ground and deflate; analysis of the film shows that the shots most likely came from the roof of the library] Roddy Root: Good thing that Jacob was on the roof with his Carl's Caffeine Club Rifle, which he won from the Caffeinated Terror contest! Now, kids, how about you all take a nice, refreshing drink of Sarsaparilla Cream? [Both visible individuals drink from bottles of SCP-1863-B, as the words "Sarsaparilla Cream: For the Real Americans" superimposed over the scene before the advertisement ends.]