The title sounds like Wayne Rooney's sextape, the viewing experience is marginally less enjoyable - it's the Fifa movie! Starring Gérard Depardieu, Sam Neill, and Tim Roth as

Sepp Blatter. Yes. Really.

Utterly bizarre and heroically dull, United Passions resembles a real life version of Springtime for Hitler, the deliberately terrible musical from The Producers. Sepp Blatter, played by a hangdog Tim Roth, is presented as a financial wizard of utter integrity. Now Blatter has just been suspended, we revisit this cinematic Ozymandias. However to spare everyone the trauma of actually watching it, we've blogged out the whole monstrosity. A brown paper envelope for anybody who lasts till the credits!

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0:00 Subtitles helpfully remind us the film is essentially "a work of dramatic fiction." The fiction we can well believe. The dramatic is sorely lacking.

0:01 A group of multicultural boys, and one girl, gather on a dusty field somewhere definitely not England and start a kickabout using jumpers for goalposts. This symbol of sporting purity recurs throughout the film. Merge into 1904 and an "olden days" match. A man writes to the FA in the hope of forming a global federation. Tension builds from the start.

0:05 The evil FA - top hat-wearing aristocrats - reject Carl's honest proposal. Very rudely. "What did those blasted Frogs want?" demands Lord Bastard. On hearing those blasted Frogs wanted to establish a global tax haven federation, his Lordship scoffs: "What do foreigners understand of our beautiful game?" Enjoy the Bastard while you can. Compared to later Brits, this guy is basically Nelson Mandela.

0:06 Everybody sits around a table and slags off the English. Selected dialogue: "Their damned island can sink into oblivion!" "Curse the Englishman!" "Damn Admiral Nelson!" Did Sepp write this scene personally? Oh, and Fifa is formed as a minor afterthought.

Primarily to "knock those Brits on their English arses." Hurry up and invent penalties, guys. That'll do the trick.

0:10 We reach 1924 and Jules Rimet, the third president of Fifa. Played by former French actor Gerard Depardieu, now a citizen of Russia. Everybody agrees Fifa is failing and "football is on the way to ruin." Shucks. So Rimet helpfully invents the World Cup. Yay! "He's mad," says somebody. "No," says somebody else. "He's a visionary!" Suspicions that Rimet may be a Sepp-surrogate begin to form.

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0:16 Bribery? Erm...maybe. Uruguay want to host the inaugural World Cup. Rimet sternly tells the Uruguayan official that "we will not sell the one treasure we possess: honour." The official rejects any skullduggery but notes,"You need the money; we need the World Championship. Let's do business. "Doing business.' What an elegant turn of phrase.

0:18Uruguay are awarded the World Cup. Funny that.

0:19 A ballroom scene that only exists to reiterate that the English are swine. An aristocrat badmouths "negroes" and "women" to Rimet's poor daughter. The neither sexist nor racist Rimet rides to the rescue and reminds his

fille, "Some people are rotten to the core." By "people" he means "the British.'"Silly us.

0:24 Rimet mopes about on a boat. His daughter quotes Gone with the Wind to cheer him up. Nice to see nobody's afraid of the big comparisons.

0:27 Definitely NOT exploited Uruguayan workers construct a stadium. World Cup occurs. No football is shown.

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0:30 Some Fifa delegate is ruined by the Great Crash of 1929. He hands Rimet the Fifa balance book. "Everything is here. All the bank statements, finance, nothing is missing." He doesn't quite turn and speak directly into the camera but you sense this particular piece of script was heavily underlined.

0:33 Rimet, never on the wrong side of history, warns the escalation of arms will lead to worldwide conflict. Gets into argument with German and Italian delegates.

Tells his daughter he might resign the presidency, to which she responds, "I've never, ever seen you give up" as inspirational music plays. Suspicions Rimet is a Sepp-surrogate harden. In 1936 the never-give-up Rimet had been President for eleven years.

0:35 Nobody listened to Jules. Hello World War Two.

0:40 Jules Rimet prays.

0:41God listened to Rimet and stopped World War Two. It's the 1950 World Cup Final. Everyone agrees the Maracana is nicer than Wembley.

0:42 Actual football occurs. Brazil lose. Cue sad, swirly music and random slow-motion. Rimet wanders around the pitch like a confused grizzly bear. For some reason, the film treats the Brazilian defeat as at least equal in tragedy to World War Two. Perhaps Uruguay stopped paying their dues.

0:47 Rimet dies. Cheque pocketed, Gerard returns to Russia.

0:49 The British return, in the guise of Fifa President Sir Stanley Rous. Still cads. Rous disparages Brazil to (Brazilian) future Fifa President João Havelange, played by Sam Neill of Jurassic Park. Back among the raptors, eh Sam?

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0:50 WE WIN THE WORLD CUP!!!! Genuinely surprised that made the cut.

0:52 Brazil win the World Cup!

Archive footage of 1970 final. Best bit of film by far.

0:55 Havelange wins the Presidency. Rous snarls it wasn't a "fair fight." Not corrupt, you understand, but because Havelange was nice to the African nations. When not hijacked by Brits, Fifa is all about the little guys.

0:56 Heeeeeeeeeere's Sepp! He's been offered a job. Does it pay well? his friend asks.

Depends on my results, replies Sepp. Ha.

0:58 Fifa need funds. Havelange introduces Sepp as a man "apparently good at finding money." Hence "Blatter will be Number 12 in our little group." Yes, the Fifa staff are numerically assigned. This is turning into the Spectre prequel.

1:00 Sepp goes balls out. He channels his inner PUA and approaches a Coca Cola executive at a restaurant. Sponsorship is secured! Sepp phones Havelange, who is swimming on what can only be described as a tropical island lair.

It's like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer inadvertently goes to work for a supervillain. Havelange is Hans Scorpio.

1:02 Sepp meets an Adidas executive outside a motorway service station. Sepp wears a dirty brown raincoat. The Adidas executive flashes some merchandise in the boot of his car. It is all incredibly seedy. If Havelange is a Bond villain, Sepp now resembles a Swiss Del Boy, hoping to knock off some hooky footballs down the Zurich equivalent of Peckham at two Francs a pop.

1:04 Sepp and Havelange drive around Africa in a jeep. Flanked by armed militia. Image is everything.

1:06The film remains staggeringly dull but the presence of Sepp has added a ghastly intrigue.

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1:08 A pesky Argentinian military coup is threatening the 1978 tournament. "Sponsors are nervous..."

Blatter warns. "There are human rights violations involved."

Priorities, Sepp. Havelange dismisses the concerns, claims Fifa trump the UN, and then compares himself to God.

1:11 Central themes converge: African children, sporting Adidas, play football and then break for Coca Cola. Pitchside, Blatter wants Fifa to promote women's teams. Actual Blatter quote from 2004: "Let's get women to play in different and more feminine garb than the men, in tighter shorts for example."

1:15 Havelange spells out the Fifa mantra. "An institution like ours cannot survive on good intentions alone. We need money, we need- " (pause for inspiration) "- a great deal of money." Blatter is made Number 2! "With great honour comes great responsibilities," warns Havelange, the Uncle Ben to SpiderSepp. Then Evil Havelange resurfaces: "If you disappoint me, you can fall just as fast." Into my giant pit of piranhas.

1:17 Blatter frets about money: some has disappeared. Sepp, the martyr, paid staff from his own pocket.

Perhaps he should have a word with Jack Warner: recently accused of stealing $750,000 from the 2010 Haiti earthquake relief fund. Jack is conspicuous by his absence.

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1:19 Sepp faces the media.

Questioning is tough. Where's the video technology?? A Fifa official reproaches: "Gentlemen. This is a press conference, not a trial." Even for a film heavy with unintentional dramatic irony, that line stands out. Perhaps, in United Passions 2, it shall be inversed.

1:21 Montage! Tournament footage, interspersed with Sepp at various meetings, soundtracked to Wild Wild Life by Talking Heads.

1:23 Havelange handpicks Sepp as the next leader of "our family". Very Godfather. Alas, no oranges in sight.

1:25 Hail President Blatter! The most dramatic scene of the film occurs at a Fifa marketing seminar.

Saint Sepp lays down the law: "This sport is spotless... From now on we will be exemplary in all respects. The slightest breach of ethics will be severely punished...We will play by my rules now."

To his eternal credit, Tim Roth delivers this speech with a straight face.

1:27 A (British) journalist probes Sepp on past Fifa corruption. Sepp tells the prying hack, "everything I've done has been for the good of football, for the good of the family." Unlike the gangsterish Havelange, Sepp sounds like the leader of a cult.

1:28 A Blatter Family Christmas.

Children dance. Joy reigns. Tim Roth stares into space and thinks very hard (about his new loft extension).

1:30 More vaguery. Blatter is the subject of "false accusations." Only we aren't told exactly what. "You've been betrayed," laments a female lawyer. Only we aren't told who by, and how. The film takes a very dim view of corruption - in both senses of the word.

1:32 Havelange resurfaces from his volcanic hideout. Sailing around a lake, Joao and Sepp share a conversation so coded they might as well be tapping out Morse.

Basically: some kind of corruption might have happened but Sepp wasn't remotely involved, although, being a man of the world, he knew he wasn't joining "a chess club." Fair point. In younger years some GQ staff joined a chess club and, as far as we remember, none of the members were ever arrested in dawn raids by the FBI.

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1:34Shot of Sepp examining the modern World Cup exactly the same way as Rimet examined the old trophy. Remember - Jules Rimet was portrayed as a footballing Messiah. Sepp, therefore, is presumably the Second Coming.

1:35 In a not-remotely scary voice, Havelange advised Blatter to "make them fear you". Sepp goes all Sam Jackson on the delegates: 'I dare ya, I double dare ya motherf*****, vote me out!*' We paraphrase but you get the idea.

1:37 Everybody expects Sepp to lose the leadership election but miraculously he wins. We. Cannot.

Imagine. How.

1:38 At least Sepp learnt from his close shave. Standing unopposed, as he did in 2011, is a much safer form of democracy.

1:39 The girl from the opening sequence dribbles around the entire opposition team. Considering Sepp's past comments on the female game, this is the cinematic equivalent of hugging a black man after you've been engulfed in a racism storm. Sepp's done that, too.

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1:41 Brilliantly, the film ends with South Africa winning the vote to host the 2010 World Cup. A vote now claimed to have been won by Morocco.

1:42 Credits roll. Heartfelt congratulations if you made it this far. Anybody up for a sequel?