Alternative Jewish Fast Days

3400 BCE: 5 Elul

God promises Jews a piece of land with no natural resources aside from eternal strife, because he’s just fucking hilarious like that.

74 CE: 14 Tevet

Emporer Hadrianus tells the Jews they can return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, then says, you know what, screw it, just kidding, and has a real shit-eating laugh about the whole thing.

1408: 7 Tammuz

Someone decides gefilte fish is “Jewish food.”

1612: 12 Av

Applesauce vs. Sour Cream War begins. Thousands eventually perish.

1789: 7 Heshvan

God decrees all Jews must dress like Polish noblemen or face eternal damnation.

1864: 28 Sivan

Death of some rabbi probably. Not really sure, to be honest. Just feels like it’s been a while since a fast day was declared.

1926: 4 Adar

Those pointy black satin skullcaps are declared the official skullcap for people who never wear skullcaps.

1974: 3 Heshvan

Babka futures plummet. Investors lose millions.

1985: 26 Iyar

Parking fines in Jerusalem double.

1990: 17 Tishrei

2 Live Jews is formed.

1996: 15 Nisan

Traffic on the turnpike is so bad that your father misses half the Passover Seder but doesn’t bother calling even though he has one of those car phones and I spend all of Dayenu and the ten plagues thinking he’s probably sleeping with his secretary.

1999: 13 Tammuz

You get aroused after spying a Star of David pendant in your aunt’s cleavage at your cousin’s bar mitzvah and your sister notices, scarring you for life anytime you see the Israeli flag.

2017: 9 Shvat

People the world over learn to say the “ch” sound, taking away the last goddamn thing we had.