The release of Amazon’s Jack Ryan marks the fifth time the character has been brought to the screen, one of many who need to be swiftly retired

Advance word is that John Krasinski’s new Jack Ryan series isn’t very good, but that isn’t news. Chris Pine’s 2014 Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit also fell short by being too anonymous. Ben Affleck was too preening as Ryan in 2002’s The Sum of All Fears. Harrison Ford’s Ryan in 1992’s Patriot Games and 1994’s Clear and Present Danger was too generically gruff. Even when played by Alec Baldwin in 1990’s The Hunt For Red October, Ryan ended up as second fiddle to Sean Connery.

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In fact, you know what? No. None of those Ryan actors did a good job, and none of those films were particularly enjoyable, because Ryan is such a immensely bland character. If Harrison Ford can’t make him work, for crying out loud, then the guy from The Office is really going to struggle. Hollywood has had too many goes at Ryan, and all of them have been duds. It’s time to put Ryan to bed. And while I’m at it, here are a bunch of other overdone characters who should also be forcibly retired.

Robin Hood

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Taron Egerton in Robin Hood. Photograph: Lionsgate

Since 1908’s silent Robin Hood and his Merry Men, Robin Hood has been the subject of over 70 films and TV shows. He’s been in swashbucklers. He’s been in revisionist romantic dramas. He’s been in children’s TV shows. He’s been a fox in a cartoon. There was Prince of Thieves. There was Men in Tights. There was The Zany Adventures of Robin Hood. Later this year, Leonardo DiCaprio is producing a “hip” take on young Robin Hood starring Taron Egerton. The Wachowskis are working on a Robin Hood adaptation. Disney wants to make a Pirates of the Caribbean-esque Robin Hood movie. Sony, inevitably, has entertained the idea of creating a shared Robin Hood cinematic universe including Margot Robbie in a standalone Maid Marian film. Let’s put an end to this. A 10-year ban on films about gits in forests, please, starting now.

The Joker

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Jared Leto in Suicide Squad. Photograph: Warner Bros

The Joker is such an attention hog, played over and over again through the years by Heath Ledger, Mark Hamill, Jack Nicholson, Cesar Romero, Cameron Monaghan (sort of), John DiMaggio, Zach Galifianakis and – if we absolutely must – Jared Leto (who is set to star in his own movie soon). Joaquin Phoenix’s upcoming standalone Joker movie will be make or break for the character. If even he can’t get the character right, then we should all go 20 years without seeing or hearing from the Joker. It’s not like Batman is exactly short of other villains to battle. Where’s the Penguin? Where’s King Tut? Where, for the love of god, is Lola Lasagne’s standalone origin prequel?

Dracula

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Luke Evans in Dracula Untold. Photograph: Allstar/UNIVERSAL PICTURES/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

Seven Universal movies. Nine Hammer movies. Dracula’s Death. Blood of Dracula. Young Dracula. Batman Dracula. Dracula and Son. Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Dracula 3D. Dracula 2000. Dracula 3000. This Ain’t Dracula XXX. Blacula. People have been making filmed Dracula adaptations for almost 100 years, and this list doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the weird international silent films, spoofs, cartoons and arthouse homages that have been made about Dracula. That’s plenty, right? Apparently not, because Sherlock’s Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss are reportedly in the middle of writing a Dracula series of their own. Still, it’s not like they’re new at flogging a dead horse, because …

Sherlock Holmes

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock. Photograph: Robert Viglasky/BBC/PA

The most portrayed movie character in history, according to Guinness, Sherlock Holmes has been done to death – and then some. Starting with the minute-long 1900 silent short Sherlock Holmes Baffled, Holmes has appeared on screen close to 300 times. He’s been played by Basil Rathbone, Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Peter Cook, Christopher Plummer, John Cleese, Ian McKellen, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr, Roger Moore, Frank Langella, Charlton Heston, Jeremy Brett, Peter Lawford, Boris Karloff, Johnny Lee Miller, Taichirō Hirokawa, Benedict Cumberbatch and countless others. There have been straight adaptations, re-imaginings, prequels, sci-fis, Russian miniseries, puppet shows and Alvin and the Chipmunks episodes. There will soon be a Will Ferrell Holmes spoof and a third Guy Ritchie film. The world needs more Holmes like it needs to be kicked in the face by a donkey, quite frankly.

Emmanuelle

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Sylvia Kristel in Emanuelle 2. Photograph: Cine Text/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

Since Just Jaeckin’s vaguely arthouse 1974 movie, Emmanuelle has saturated the market of tawdry softcore. It spawned six official sequels, seven French made-for-TV movies that were all released in the same year, seven bizarre Emmanuelle in Space movies, seven Emmanuelle 2000 movies, an Emmanuelle Private Collection series which included films like The Art of Ecstasy and Emmanuelle v Dracula, an Emmanuelle Through Time series which included Emmanuelle’s Supernatural Sexual Activity and Emmanuelle’s Sexy Bite. There’s been Black Emmanuelle and Black Emmanuelle 2, Emmanuelle and the White Slave Trade, Emmanuelle Escapes From Hell, Emmanuelle In Soho, Yellow Emmanuelle, Kung Fu Emmanuelle, Emanuele 3: An Erotic Journal of a Lady From Thailand and Carry On Emmanuelle. Which is bizarre, because it’s not like horny men require ongoing brand synergy to get their kicks or anything. Time to ditch Emmanuelle and think of something new, you filthy porn lords.

James Bond

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Daniel Craig in Spectre. Photograph: Courtesy/REX Shutterstock

Honestly, when was the last time you were truly excited about a James Bond film? Never, that’s when. Ever since Sean Connery first played 007 in Dr No, there’s been a clear pattern of excitement, decay and rebirth with James Bond. Sean Connery tipped over into self-parody (yellowface), as did Roger Moore (girdles), Timothy Dalton (boringness), Pierce Brosnan (invisible cars) and Daniel Craig (looking like a nightclub bouncer and never saying anything). The next Bond film is bogged down in so many production woes that pulling the plug seems more like an act of kindness than anything else. Make it, have Bond die at the end and then leave it forever, please.

• This article was amended on 29 August 2018 to correct the reference to the Wachowskis, who had earlier been referred to as the Wachowski brothers.