Thanks to some inside sources, I was able to secure a copy of Justin Verlander’s day planner. Here is how he planned his day before pitching seven shutout innings against the White Sox en route to his 23rd victory on the season:

8 am: Wake up, eat zone diet bagel and ½ cup of fresh picked blueberries.

9 am: Enjoy 30 minutes of vintage Looney Tunes cartoons.

9:30 am: Shower in the hottest water I can stand.

9:45 am: Switch to really cold water. Re-enact scenes from Titanic.

12 pm: Eat lunch. Nap.

2 pm: Arrive at ballpark.

3 pm: Hotfoot Don Kelly. Again.

3:15 pm: Tell everyone about how gullible Don Kelly is.

4 pm: Announce that I’m going to review scouting reports. Read comic books. Batman is so wily!

4:45 pm: Practice smiling for post game press.

5:30 pm: Begin stretching out arm.

5:35 pm: Prank Jim Leyland by telling him I “heard something pop in my elbow."

5:36 pm: Call paramedics when Jim Leyland complains of chest pains.

7-10 pm: Defy gods, embarrass mortals. Average 95 mph fastball.

11 pm: Review stats. Ask Brad Penny if a 2.36 ERA is good or not.

11:30 pm: Call random people in the Detroit phone book. Ask if they saw my start. If they didn’t, find out why.

12 am: Catch some Z’s.