Journal Entry: September 26, 2013

It’s tough being a stay at home dad. I mean, there are certainly fantastic things about being the parent who essentially runs the household. I get to spend important time with our five-week old triplets (names withheld for their safety) in these crucial early years, I’ve taught myself how to cook, and gained an unprecedented love of wearing sweatpants absolutely all day. Some say it’s emasculating to have my wife go out into the world and do her thing while I stay home with the kids. But I try to not listen to my dad.

I guess the most frustrating thing is that my lovely wife really does very important work. Not to name names but my wife is an actual superhero. She is known throughout the world as a human being with extraordinary powers. She has saved the world at least 27 times (according to Wikipedia) and is routinely on every news broadcast in the world. She has been awarded the key to the city in 84 cities. In cities that don’t have the infrastructure to have a key to the city she has been given t-shirts, handmade scarves, and 2 burros in gratitude for her benevolent deeds. As for me, one of our triplets only spit up on me 11 times last Wednesday. So we’re basically doing important work.

I feel bad because I try really hard not be jealous of my wife. She has powers that I don’t and she’s using them for good. That’s just how it is. How could I be jealous? I’m married to a superhero! She’s toppled unjust governments. She’s saved thousands of third-world villagers from potential devastation. She’s helped rebuild cities that have been destroyed during her rampaging battles with evildoers. But yesterday, you know what I did? I took a nap in the car while the Triple A guy changed the flat tire that blew out when I was driving our kids to a “Daddy and Me” class.

I try to do little things to ensure that she feels that I’m worth being married to; like I’m pulling my weight. Granted, she has heat vison and X-ray vision. But I bought us a really nice HD television. That’s something, right? We love each other but we each have our own things going on. She has super strength, super hearing, and super healing but I’ve become really amazing at Super Smash Brothers during the triplets’ nap time. I guess I still feel like I’m not doing enough. Last week she was involved in a huge battle with one of her most famous foes and she got a huge hole in her cape, as will happen during a battle with a supervillian. That night, while she was showering off all of the rubble and grime, I sewed up her cape. Yep, I taught myself how to sew also. She comes out of the shower and tells me that while she lovingly appreciates the cape repair, she had decided to not wear a cape any more while out superheroing. I actually felt my testicles write a goodbye letter.

I know it’s petty but it’s just hard for me to feel adequate when my wife is off with her super team dealing with global villainy and I’m replacing a vacuum cleaner bag while watching The View. She has Amazing Man’s cell phone number and routinely has lunch with Power Woman so why the heck is she married to me? Who am I? I’m a former commercial jingle writer, who at almost any time during the day smells like baby poop. I feel like her caddy. Anyway, I need to get going. According to CNN, my wife and Titanium Lad spent the day infiltrating a slave trading despot’s fortress. They took out the despot and freed the slaves so she’ll be home soon. The triplets need to take a nap and I still need to feed the burros. Thanks for listening, Journal.