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2014 Sochi Olympics: Why Has The Vatican Yet To Medal?

SOCHI, Russia––For only the third time in Winter Games history, the United States swept the podium, capturing the top three spots Thursday in Slopestyle Skiing’s Olympic debut, an event that many sports historians say was created in the past four years by a half-baked college kid in his dorm room in Colorado. In the meantime, the Vatican has yet to medal, leading EOTT to ask just why the Holy See National Team has failed to take to the podium.

“From what I’ve seen, it’s probably because there is no Holy See Olympic team. I’d definitely start there,” said EOTT sports reporter S.C. Naoum in an interview with Raymond Arroyo this morning. “The problem is that the Church is not impulsive. They take their time with nearly everything, including canonizations, which have been known to take centuries. There’s no way they could ever learn the ever-changing sports that seemingly materialize out of nowhere every four years.

The last time the Holy See had an Olympian was in the 2012 Vancouver games when Father Roberto Manisini competed in Cross Country Skiing. Mansini took last place that year after Vatican officials took nearly three months to pray and contemplate whether Mansisni should remain behind the pack to conserve energy, or to try to take an early lead. Afterwards came another two years of back-and-forth paper work passed from one Vatican department to the other, until then Pope Benedict XVI gave his final seal of approval to conserve his energy and wait for a better opportunity. Mansini came in last with a time of 19,723 hours.

United States’ Joss Christensen, a 22-year-old making his first appearance on the Olympic stage, won the gold in a mesmerizing performance that featured four near-perfect jumps on to a railing that you simply slide down, and then, after sliding down really fast for a little way, jump off this really high snow ramp and form this sort of “X” shaped thingy with your skis while you’re in the air.

When asked why he thought the Holy See had yet to medal, Christian told EOTT, “Well there’re only really about 20 people in the world who know what Slopestyle Skiing is, and only about 12 of us who know how to do it. I’m not shocked that the Vatican doesn’t have a competitor in this field…or any field for that matter. If you think about how slow the Church works sometimes…I mean it took Joan of Arc like 450 to be canonized. You expect them to figure out what the Biathlon is and then find someone out of only like 800 Vatican residents to learn how to ski a butt load of miles and randomly have to stop and shoot at a bunch of targets before having to ski a butt load more?”

But it’s not all bad news for the Holy See. Former athlete Father Roberto Manisini reported that he had achieved what no other Church sportsman had ever achieved.

“It’s a thing you grow up dreaming about, but never think will happen,” Mansini said. “I still can’t believe I actually figured out what those “athletes” are doing with those mop things in Curling. That’s gold medal worthy, isn’t it?”

EOTT reporter S.C Naoum reported that, “No, it was not close to a gold,” but that in the end, “maybe it’s better than winning a gold in an Olympics that feature a sport where two guys wearing spandex lay on top of each other and do nothing else but slide down this twisty ice thing.”

At press time, President of Russia Vladimir Putin has banned the Luge Doubles as well as Team Relay because of fears that it might help spread “gay propaganda.”