Michael Cohen isn't the dumbass we want, but he is the dumbass we deserve. After an illustrious career of cleaning up after Donald Trump's wandering dick, being the personal injury lawyer for staged accidents, and losing a fortune on taxi medallions, Michael Cohen has finally ended up where he was always headed: on his way to jail.



But, like the dumbest capo flipping on the world's stupidest crime family, he's going to try and take everyone else down with him. Michael Cohen is no hero—don't get me wrong, he is a piece of shit—but he's what we've got.

Thursday night, Cohen was again at the center of the Trump Russia story when BuzzFeed reported that Cohen not only lied to Congress (which he's already pled guilty to), but that he did so at the direction of the President. And in case a thousand other hot takes haven't already explained it to you: telling someone to lie to Congress is a crime.

FWD: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Doing crimes

Already, the White House is issuing non-denial denials, sending the ludicrously-named Deputy Press Secretary Hogan Gidley on Fox News Friday morning to attack BuzzFeed and to say that Michael Cohen “has now been proven to be a liar and self-admits he's a felon” so why believe him this time. That defense doesn’t work quite as well in this case (even Fox host Bill Hemmer was quick to point out that none of Gidley’s explanations were denials), since the BuzzFeed story explicitly states that the news isn’t coming from Cohen. Moreover, it includes this amazing revelation:

The special counsel’s office learned about Trump’s directive for Cohen to lie to Congress through interviews with multiple witnesses from the Trump Organization and internal company emails, text messages, and a cache of other documents. Cohen then acknowledged those instructions during his interviews with that office.

So according to BuzzFeed, not only does Mueller have the evidence, he's got the evidence's evidence. If this is true, you just know he's got a file folder containing a Trump Organization email with the subject line "FWD: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Doing crimes."

On Friday, Trump tweeted several times denying the allegations.

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Remember it was Buzzfeed that released the totally discredited “Dossier,” paid for by Crooked Hillary Clinton and the Democrats (as opposition research), on which the entire Russian probe is based! A very sad day for journalism, but a great day for our Country! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 19, 2019

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Fake News is truly the ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 19, 2019

And Peter Carr, a spokesman for Robert Mueller, also disputed BuzzFeed's report, saying in a statement, "BuzzFeed's description on specific statements to the special counsel's office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen's congressional testimony are not accurate," Carr said.

Even if the BuzzFeed report proves partly (or mostly) false, Cohen has been the chewy center of this particularly stupid Tootsie Pop for a while now, having paid off Stormy Daniels and Karen MacDougal on direction of Trump, having initiated conversations with the Russians about building a Trump Tower in Moscow, and now having lied about the same thing to Congress on direction of Trump.

As more revelations come out about just how ham-fisted this particular ham was (the Wall Street Journal also reported that he hired a company to create the @WomenForCohen Twitter account that posted thirsty tweets about Cohen like "Snazzy looking & ready to #MAGA"), you realize just how inept the Trump Organization really was. I mean, when Michael Cohen is your go-to to negotiate business deals with Vladimir Putin? Oh god.

Pool Getty Images

But of course this latest revelation isn't from back when Trump was the lead in a community theater rendition of The Godfather, but instead when he was President of the United States. And that's why, if it proves out, this crime is different than the others. Because this isn't something from "way back" in 2016, which have been too easily explained away as ancient history by the president's defenders. No, this one this was a crime from after the election, from after the inauguration, and came directly from Trump himself.

Michael Cohen has already admitted to lying to Congress, that part is fact. That he did so at the direction of the sitting President of the United States is the allegation we now have to consider.

Didn't take long to consider it, did it?

That this doesn't feel like a particularly long bridge to cross is because all evidence points to Cohen doing exactly what Trump tells him every time. I mean, after all, this guy used his own home equity loan to pay off Stormy Daniels so she'd stay quiet about Trump's mushroom dick. Lying to Congress seems pretty straightforward over that horror.

And so here we are: A sitting president ordering his lawyer to lie to congress is a song we've heard before. That this time around the president is a moron and his lawyer a dumbass doesn't change the fact that this is a big one. But is it big enough?

With this particular Teflon Don, who knows. But it's the best shot so far. If this is the beginning of the end of this stupid chapter, Trump being undone by the dumbest motherfucker imaginable seems like a fitting one.

Editor's Note: This story has been lightly edited to better reflect Mueller's office's statement.

Dan Sinker Dan Sinker is a journalist, culture critic, and talks about politics on the "Says Who" podcast.

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