POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT

Cincinnati Bengals (5-3) vs New Orleans Saints (7-1)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Scalpel.

I don’t even know how to start this autopsy, there’s not much left on the carcass to pick through. The New Orleans Saints ripped the Bengals a fresh new asshole, then completed the fucking process much like that of the Praying Mantis.

Cause of death, Cajun cock-slapping.

I’ve watched a lot of Bengals football and though that may have not been the worst statistical performance the defense has squeezed out of their orange-and-black-striped-ass, it certainly smelled the worst. It felt like I was dumped out of a goddamn Delorean into the 1990s, the dark age of Bengals football, back when you expected the Bengals to lose and they never disappointed.

The Saints held the ball for nearly two-thirds of the game, scored on nine of their ten possessions; running the clock out at the end of game on their tenth. The Bengals defense slowed the Saints offense much like a speed bump against a fucking battleship.

This defense hasn’t just been bad, they’ve been historically bad, allowing back-to-back-to-back 500+ yard games for the first time in NFL history, on pace to allow the most yards in NFL history, on pace to allow 512 points (franchise worst is 460 in 1999) and are allowing third down conversions at a 56% clip where the worst conversion percentage since the stat has been tracked is 50%.

All of that added up to equal Teryl Austin losing his job, but enough with the fucking numbers, this defense just looks bad and the offense isn’t off the hook, either.

Stop smashing our fire alarms, Sean Payton, we have a dumpster fire on our hands here!

Is this offense that fucking inept without A.J. Green? Do we only have one drive’s worth of creative play calling? What the hell happened?

They’re far too quick to abandon the run with Joe Mixon (11 carries for 61 yards), can’t scheme guys open and cannot sustain drives. I know that they’ve shown flashes this season, but they’ve also Houdini’d right out of goddamned games too. I’m fully aware that there have been injuries, but every team has injuries; that’s not an excuse.

I’m a staunch Andy Dalton supporter, but I found myself wondering whether or not the Bengals should start looking for his replacement. At the end of the first half, with the Bengals driving to at least make it a competitive game, he left a long touchdown pass hanging so long that Billy Hamilton was seen camped underneath it. Of course it was returned some 80 fucking yards and set up yet another Saints touchdown. He also bounced one in to a wide open John Ross in the second half that would have resulted in a 4th down conversion. I just don’t know anymore.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Bill Lazor is not the guy for the job.

Now we’ve arrived at Hue fuckin’ Jackson back on the payroll as the ‘Special Assistant to the Regional Manager Head Coach’.

I don’t know what to make of this. What I do know, though, is that I hope this doesn’t green-light the ‘succession plan’ they had in place for Hue a few years back. Hue Jackson does not need to be the next head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals.

I’ve seen his body of work and I must say, I’m not impressed. Whatever his role is this season, I can holy hope that it somehow makes this team better. Help us Huebi-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope — well, you’re not, but Mike Brown sure loves your ass.

Woof.

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season.

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