Yes, The Rabid Wolves in Our National Park Keep Mauling Hikers, But the Wolves Are All Acting Individually So We’re Not Really Seeing a Pattern Here

First off, our thoughts and prayers go out to the latest hiker who was mauled by a lone wolf in our national park. The rabid wolf in question acted completely on its own. This foaming-at-the-mouth wolf was part of a one-wolf cell of resistance. We have no reason to believe the attack perpetrated by this specific bloodthirsty wolf can in any way be linked to the hundreds of other wolf-related and rabies-related incidents reported in our national park over the past few years.

To be clear, we do not currently have a problem with a growing population of killer, deranged wolves slowly taking over our park and eating everything in sight. It may look like we do based on the facts and the evidence, but that is a straw man argument. There’s no pattern here from which we can learn and prevent further maulings, so stop looking for one among the countless rabid wolves terrorizing our park.

We really shouldn’t even be discussing this particular mauling right now. It just happened, so by immediately trying to connect the dots and call attention to our park’s rapidly ballooning population of delirious murder-wolves, you are politicizing a tragedy. And, since these lone wolf incidents seem to be happening on a biweekly basis, you shouldn’t ever talk about them. Look, we’re all frustrated that the wolves in our park continue to act individually in such horrible ways. But, we also can’t talk about it or do anything of substance to prevent it in the future because that sort of thing is liberal politicization.

If we were convinced that rabies is spreading across our park’s wolf population and causing these maulings, we would definitely do something about it. The evidence just isn’t there, though. For example, take the lone wolf from yesterday’s mauling. The wolf’s criminal record amounts to nothing more than a couple minor chicken coop trespassings. His neighbors and family say he was a quiet wolf who enjoyed howling at the moon and eating deer. Just because he was last seen foaming at the mouth and snarling like a demon hound doesn’t mean he’s some sort of rabid wolf, so stop trying to draw conclusions.

There’s no larger force or problem at play here, and certainly no viral disease that’s causing violent behavior among the wolves who use our park as a sort of hiker hunting ground. This is just a solitary wolf who went a little berserk. As such, we will not be instituting a rabies check policy. Doing so would infringe on the constitutional rights of our park’s wolves to be as rabies-riddled as they want. More importantly, removing rabid wolves from our park would solve nothing. If the hiker had rabies as well, then don’t you think this whole situation could’ve been prevented? Think about that.

Overall, our national park is doing just fine. Thanks to some generous donations from the wolf lobby, we’ve made quite a few capital improvements to the park. We’ve put in some much-needed drainage fixes and created several hundred miles of new hiking trails. The wolf lobby was insistent, however, that the new hiking trails be built directly through the park’s well-known wolf territory. That’s just the way these things work. Don’t read into it.

Rabid wolves are not the problem here. The real problem is people’s insistence on trying to connect a series of very obviously related maulings and use them to highlight some sort of overarching issue. So, Democrats, feel free to keep analyzing our national park’s ever-increasing mauled hiker count and exponentially growing rabid wolf population, but you definitely won’t find a pattern.