NEW YORK—Explaining how she was “barely showing,” local man Kevin Martin told reporters Tuesday that the woman who just got on his subway car will have to be way more fucking pregnant than that if she wants to be offered his seat. “There’s no way I’m standing up and moving for someone who looks like they just got knocked up yesterday,” said Martin of the woman who was eight months pregnant, adding that if she was expecting someone to surrender the comfort of their chair just because she was having a contraction here and there, she was out of her goddamn mind. “What is that thing? Seven or eight pounds? Yeah, sorry lady, but you’d better be ready to pop if you want me to give up this spot that I pushed my way into the train to get. Unless you’re on your way to the hospital, you gotta stand just like everyone else.” At press time, Martin commented that there was “no way in hell” that he was giving up a seat for a blind man who clearly had two eyes.

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