After dinner, Hayden and I sit around the smoking benches with Derek, Louis (Bling), Carl, Tarantula and my crush, Ryan Nicholas. Keisha and my original boys (Bolts and Brian), are loading the vans to go to the houses. I miss them and really hate that they have to go to the houses after the day is done. I could use a good game of Spades right now to take my mind off things.

There is another newer student sitting with us. Her name is Mary Jane. As you might imagine, everyone has made marijuana references regarding her name and shortened it to MJ. I call her my Vivacious Vixen because she has long, beautiful red hair and a booty that won’t quit. It’s not a completely natural red. She is a hairstylist and has found the perfect shade to compliment her adorable freckles. She has a cute, little nose hoop piercing and a bright smile. I think I have a girl crush on her. No homo. First Taylor, now Vixen. It must be the red hair.

“Hey guys. Today is such a fucking awesome day,” Vinny too Skinny says, while approaching our area.

“Oh my gawd. Somebody shoot me now,” I whisper under my breath.

Mary Jane laughs and rolls her eyes with me. The boys, however, indulge him. Not because they legitimately are interested in anything he has to say, but because they seek pleasure in mocking him. I, however, am completely over it.

“Did your wife go home?” Derek asks Vinny.

“Oh yeah man. You know? The old ball and chain had to go back to New York and handle my business. I have a mansion that needs cleaning and my sports car ain’t going to wash itself,” Vinny responds.

It is difficult to keep a straight face through this loser’s bullshit. My eyes are focused on Ryan. He doesn’t even try to keep a straight face. He is laughing and probing at Vinny with taunting questions. I giggle at how adorable he is.

“Damn you got it all, baller. Does she make you a sandwich after sex too?” Ryan jokes.

“Oh yeah. She’s awesome. She puts that pastrami on the bread just the way I like it,” Vinny cracks back.

Everyone with the exception of myself, laughs. I used to laugh at his idiocy, but now everything he says is annoying. I would compare listening to his nonsense to the sound of nails on a chalkboard or stubbing your toe on the end of your bed. To sum it up, it’s torture and it’s excruciating!

The worst part about the boys indulging Vinny, is that he can’t see that they are making fun of him. He actually thinks that they are his friends. As Vinny walks away, the boys begin their shit talking. I can’t help but giggle at everything Ryan says. I can’t believe how obsessed I have become with him. Whenever he is around, I can’t concentrate on anything or anyone else.

“Liz. Liz. Liz! Hello,” Hayden pleads, while nudging me.

“Oh my bad. What’s up girl?” I ask in response.

“Wow,” Hayden giggles. “Do you want to get more coffee?” She asks.

“Sure,” I respond.

Coffee sounds good but I don’t want to evacuate the area because Ryan is there. As ridiculous as it is to admit, the lodge has large windows and I agree to the coffee because I can still look at Ryan from the coffee machine. Just when I thought I couldn’t wait to move over to the house with Keisha, Ryan shows up at the center and I don’t want to leave.

The night winds down and Curtis Maxwell and John Tiger begin their ethics duty of herding us to our rooms for lights out. Hayden and Derek sneak off to say goodnight in private and I am left putting out my cigarette alone. Or so I thought. Suddenly a pair of hands is rubbing on my shoulders and the hot breath of Vinny violates my neck as he leans in and whispers,

“There are no ethics officers around, so I can molest you without getting in trouble.”

A shutter runs down my spine. His lips are so close to my ear, it’s become wet with his saliva. I am sickened. Not only by his actions, but by his choice of words. I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t find the word, “Molest,” to be funny at all. Quickly, I move away from him and make my way to my room.

“Hey girl hey,” Hayden calls out, as I close the slider behind me.

She is wearing a silly grin and I am certain that means she has secured a goodnight kiss from Derek Lowry and gotten away with it.

“What’s wrong?” She asks. Her face switches to one of concern.

“Vinny too Skinny just completely violated me,” I answer.

“What? What do you mean?” She asks.

I elaborate the details of the uncomfortable situation I was in mere minutes ago. I explain that I realize it probably creeped me out more because of my past.

“I’m sorry. Maybe I am overreacting,” I admit.

“That’s still not right Liz. Don’t apologize. I would be upset too. Maybe you should report him to ethics?” She suggests.

“I don’t know. I don’t really want to snitch. Besides, what is ethics going to do?” I ask.

“You never know. I can’t believe what a creep he is. His wife was just here for an entire week. What a scumbag,” she says.

“In other news, I really like Mary Jane,” I admit.

“Me too. She is cool as fuck,” Hayden concurs.

“I hope Tarantula gets his package tomorrow girl. I really want to get high,” I confess. “How are you dealing with waiting?”

“Same. I am not obsessing over it like I was when we were going to get heroin, but I want to get high,” she admits.

“Well nothing we can do about it now. I am sleepy. Love you girl,” I say.

“Love you too girl,” she replies.

We hit the lights and fall asleep to a Twilight movie. Tomorrow is Friday. Graduation day is probably my favorite day of the week. It is the one day that we are served an extraordinary dinner. It’s usually steak, which happens to be one of my favorites. It’s also a shorter day for classes.

When morning arrives, Hayden and I head to the lodge for muster. Vinny too Skinny is already outside playing with his remote control car. I walk quickly to avoid him; however he sees me and feels inclined to communicate.

“Hey beautiful. Want to drive my stick?” He asks before breaking out into his hyena laughter and snort. I don’t even dignify his come on with a response.

Richard and I have our one hour TRs eyes closed and eyes open to complete today. It is much more difficult to complete TRs in the Objectives course room. While the other course room is often filled with whispers and the occasionally jokester, the Objectives course room is a zoo of students all behaving like wild animals.

During my eyes closed TR, I force myself to block out the noise around me by playing Bella’s Lullaby off of the Twilight soundtrack, over and over and over again in my head. I imagine that I am projecting the music from my mind, over to Richards. I can feel my teeth clench, as I squeeze my eyes closed and push the sounds of the piano and strings out, as loudly as I can to hush the crowd around me. As soon as I have played the song in it’s entirety. I replay it on a continuous loop in my head. It’s working. I have blocked the noise of my environment out to avoid laughing and flunking my TR.

“TR0 eyes closed for one hour pass,” Makayla calls out. “Great job guys. Take a quick smoke break and we will knock out your hour eyes open.”

Richard doesn’t smoke, but he comes out with me. Makayla and Brooklyn are the supervisors today. Brooklyn is taking the students in objectives to the bathroom.

“We should get in there and start our TR before they come back. That way we can get in the zone before they start fucking with us,” I suggest.

“Agreed!” Richard exclaims.

In the course room across the street, the supervisors are very attentive to the other students in the classroom and are mindful about them messing with students doing TRs. In the Objectives course room the supervisors try to make sure that the students in TRs are not messed with, but they are constantly observing the paperwork the students are cogging on and sometimes miss the fact that a couple students are trying to make you laugh. Eyes open is much more difficult to sit through.

“TR0 eyes open for one hour, start,” instructs Makayla.

Slowly, but surely, the students begin pouring into the class. Bolts and Brian have finally passed their TRs and completed Book 4a. They are circulating around the room running the objectives from Book 4b. Another set of twins walking around us, are Rome and Hunter.

Every minute feels like an hour and I can’t drown out the room with my music anymore. I continue to play Bella’s lullaby in my head on repeat. However, I can see the boys in my peripheral vision. Once I see their mouths move in my direction, it quiets the record in my head and forces me back into present time.

“Go over to Liz’s chair. Thank you. Now touch Liz’s chair,” Rome instructs.

Hunter reaches out to touch my chair. His fingers run through the tips of my hair.

“Stop enturbulating. Get away from my TRs!” Makayla exclaims.

I continue to hear Rome giving Hunter the commands to their Objective around me. However, Hunter dry humping the partition in my peripheral vision becomes the most distracting. My lips begin to curl and I feel myself losing it. I dig my fingernails into my thigh, in an attempt to cause pain that might prevent me from laughing at this shit show around me.

“Daddy,” Bolts calls out in a Mickey Mouse voice. “Can we go to the strip club and make it rain?”

Brian bursts into laughter. In fact, everyone around us is laughing. Laughter is the most difficult distraction for me. When I hear other’s laugh, I want to laugh. I dig my nails in deeper.

“Daddy,” Bolts calls out. Still using his Mickey Mouse like voice.

“You guys! Knock it off,” Makayla instructs. Brian, you better reflect those as bites on your paperwork.”

Rome has a very delicious voice. It’s almost that low, sexy , Barry White, lovemaking voice. Him and Hunter are still dry humping the partitions in my peripheral and I can feel myself breaking. I force my eyes closed for just a moment and press my lips together.

“Liz. Keep it together,” Makayla calls out, reminding me that she is watching.

Richard’s eyes are wide and screaming for me to fight this overwhelming desire to collapse on the floor in laughter. He doesn’t realize that the look on his face with his eyes wide like that, is funny in it’s own right and is making it even harder for me not to flunk. In addition, he can’t see what the boys are doing behind him that is causing me to almost break. Finally relief meets me as Keisha walks by and whispers,

“Fifteen more minutes, hold on girl.”

I let out a deep breath and collect myself. I shoot a glare in Bolts direction and another at Hunter and Rome.

“Whoa. That’s our cue to exit bro,” Rome laughs, while pulling Hunter away from our area.

The next 15 minutes drags on for what feels like an eternity. I continue to play Bella’s lullaby in my head and keep my eyes focused on Richard’s forehead. It looks like I am staring him in his eyes, as we are instructed to do. However, after you have done a couple TRs, you learn to find a spot on the persons face you are comfortable staring at and stare there instead. After this TR is over, it will be time for lunch. I can’t wait until the 3 o’clock break. I would give anything to pop some pills right now….

Today’s Theme Song- Bella’s Lullaby- Twilight- Carter Burwell

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**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**