Dear Matt Barkley,

First and foremost, you are the white nigga of white niggas. You’ve always been my favorite White dude, but you’re my white nigga now. I live in the Seattle-area and at least 5 hours a day, I have to defend you. I mostly don’t “cape” or defend folks, but for you it’s easy as fuck. It’s not even because you’re the quarterback for the USC Trojans. It’s because deep down, I think you’re a nice guy. I would hope. In fact, when SC comes out here, hopefully I could sneak and meet you just to tell you how much I appreciate you as not only a football player, but as a human being.

Now that we got that out the way.

You aren’t gonna read this, but it’s all good. I don’t expect you to read this. You don’t have time to. (I think?) I could drop this in your mentions on twitter, and you won’t see it. Wanna know why? You’re a celebrity, while I’m just a random black dude who annoys the shit outta you on twitter. Well, maybe its annoying. You’ve yet to respond to me this year. Last year you did out of the blue. Totally made my night. I’m not writing this to get your attention. I’m writing this shit because as a fan, I think you need to know something.

You owe Stanford an ass kicking. The last time SC has beaten Stanford, I was doing algebra II homework at Oak Harbor High School. Stanford has beaten us 4 of the 5 years (Biggest Upset Ever probably ruined my life for a bit. I cussed out a girl who was wearing a Stanford sweatshirt the next year because I felt like she was wearing it to mock me. No lie.). I’ve been a USC fan since I was 10, and Stanford was our slaves. Every year from 5th grade until my freshman year of high school, I took pride in my team handing Stanford L’s and then laughing about it while sipping Gatorade. But now, it’s the other way around. And it’s weird, but kinda funny how things change.

For personal and selfish reasons, I have a lot riding on this game, Matt. I don’t really talk a lot of trash, but when the time is given to talk, I’ve done it ( https://shaunhoward.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/sec-fans-are-funny/ and https://shaunhoward.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/sec-fans-are-funny-part-two/) and it only comes when someone comes at me. That being said, I hate the Stanford Cardinal.

Matt. You’re 0-3 against Stanford. I know you know this. Everyone in America knows this. I just wanted to remind you, and myself that the best quarterback in the country is 0-3 against a pac-12 “rival.” The only person I’ve seen struggle to beat a team was Peyton Manning, and well… he never beat Florida. Now, those times were different, I think. Florida had the ol ball coach and all they did was run and gun their ways to wins. But this is different Matt. You have the two best receivers in the game. The best offense in the game. One of the better offensive minds in College Football as your coach. Matt, it’s time, to get Stanford with the #BeatEMDown on Saturday.

I wish Harbaugh and Luck were still there. You owe both of those dudes a beating.

You see your face? You see that? The face of shock and disappointment while Harbaugh mocked not just you, mocked everyone in 2009. As a fan, I was heated, but I was convinced that we’d get them the next year. But you, and the rest of the Trojan fans were still left in disappointment. And well last year… let’s not even bring that up. The picture above summed up your feelings about that game.

But this year?

This is YOUR time. Your time to prosper. Your time to throw 4 TDs and hit the Stanford fans with trash talk on the sidelines. Call audibles at the line, call Sluggo Win and then do the “eating” gesture with Robert Woods in the end zone to mock that damn Tree they call a mascot.

When you came back for “Unfinished Business,” This was the game that I pointed at. I mean, you’re gonna be the greatest USC QB of all-time. You came back to finish the job. Not just hopefully win a media opinion National Title, but the Pac-12, and a Rose Bowl. Like true great Trojans. You don’t have to admit it to me but I know in your heart, you want to kick Stanford’s ass. To me, Unfinished Business wasn’t about a Heisman Trophy. No matter what, you will be New York City on that December night, and we’ll all be watching you. Unfinished Business to me was, “well look, I haven’t beat the farm, and I want to kick their ass. I’ll return just do that.”

I know, I know. I’m probably not even thinking right, and I’m doing my own “What’s in Matt’s brain” type of analyzing. But let’s be honest. After what Stanford fans have done to you, mock em. In fact, I know you’re saying all the right things in the media. That it’s just “another game,” and that you’re just “focused on doing everything right,” because that’s how you are. But you can’t help but think that in the back of your mind, that you owe Stanford one. Well not one. Not two. But three.

Here’s my point, Matt.

If SC loses this weekend, I’ll be sad. Not because SC is my favorite team and my twitter mentions will be like Baghdad due to this loss. I’ll be sad because you couldn’t beat Stanford. (Sadderday is REAL, bro.)

So ending this blog, I’d like to say this:

Matt, Beat their ass.

Please.

As Justin Timberlake said in “The Social Network,” This is our time. He was speaking to you Barks.

This is your time. You’re already great, but you could be greater than before.

Fight On, Matt.

Beat the Farm.

Literally Beat the Farm.

Sincerely, a big fan,

Shaun