This important thought occurred to me today as I walked safely through a park. How different things would be if packs of squirrels suddenly attacked people and devoured them? What if squirrels (rodents of the family Sciuridae) attacked humans with such vigor that they were known as the “piranhas of the woods?”

A stroll in the park would no longer be a stroll in the park. We’d have to dress up in armor to go out and get the newspaper. Professional sports teams would proudly call themselves “The Squirrels.” And to call someone “squirrelly” might be a compliment. But what would we do with all those acorns?

I consider the lack of each and every bad thing to be a good thing. If any bad thing existed, but then someone fixed that problem, we’d all celebrate. Every day that those bad things don’t exist is a great victory, then, and we should take a moment to be grateful for every bad thing that doesn’t actually exist. Here are a few others:

I’m thankful that it doesn’t cost money to poop.

I’m glad that light bulbs don’t need to be buried in little coffins when they burn out.

I’m relieved that perspective doesn’t work in reverse, such that things looked bigger the further away they got.

I’m grateful that ears are not considered “private parts,” such that we felt compelled to cover them with muffs everywhere we went.

And I’m thankful that sex is not spelled “sexoxlneycihweobkeiyusmsklucolehskyzsnxjkbwuhkpeiys,” which would make this fascinating topic much more difficult to talk about and write about.

That squirrels don’t actually prey on humans is an especially good thing. There’s just too many of them out there. It would be incredibly ugly if a pack of them decided to collaborate to clean you down to the bone. Think about it.

This concludes my appreciation therapy tonight.