If you haven’t checked it out today then click here to see my update on my Honorary Super-Doctorate. Medicinal Margarita Madness and mandatory napping will commence as soon as the mail arrives. Unless, possibly, ASU is just is waiting for me to get distracted and that’s not going to happen becauOHMYGOD HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CRAZY BULLSHIT?

Several people are aware of my severe giant squid phobia and lovingly (?) sent me this video of a giant squid attacking a Greenpeace submarine, and that’s unsettling enough, but WHY IS THERE ANOTHER SQUID BEHIND IT SPITTING OUT FIRE? Is that a real thing? Because I was scared enough without adding: “Oh, and also they can shoot a blinding inferno out of their butts like a tentacled, aquatic bonfire.” It’s like half giant squid and half underwater maritime flame-thrower, and that’s not natural and is a sign that all giant squid are literally demons from the depths of hell.

It’s also possible that Greenpeace panicked and threw a flare at it and the squid grabbed the flare like, “YOU THINK WE’RE SCARED? THIS IS A DAMN SPARKER, ASSHOLE. I EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SPARKLER. YOU’RE IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NOW, SON.”

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And that’s an even more terrifying scenario because giant squid are already horrifying and NOW THEY HAVE FIRE. Good work, Greenpeace. This is why we can’t have nice things. Because you’ve armed the giant squid. THEY ALREADY HAD TOO MANY ARMS.

It’s possible I’m overreacting, but I don’t think so.