The first few years of fatherhood, as told by the alphabet.

A is for Annoying

– which every single kid will be at some point in their lives, especially when they’re little and testing every boundary to find out where the line is between ‘daddy laughing along with me’ and ‘daddy losing his rag while swearing under his breath as he straps his kid into the car seat after a day at the park didn’t work out so well’.

B is for Bedtime

– as in: please, for the love of god, just go to f***ing bed!!!! It’s really not that hard – you lie down, you close your eyes, and you let dear old Mr Sandman sprinkle magic dust in your eyes to give you good dreams – hopefully before daddy has an aneurism and his head explodes.

C is for Chicken

– which comes in two varieties: ‘nuggets’ and ‘I’m not eating that because I think I can see its face’. Anyone who tells you different is a goddamned liar, or doesn’t have kids.

D is for D’oh!

– because your kids will hit you in that special, sensitive place at every available opportunity. Dad makes funny sounds when he’s writhing on the ground in agony.

E is for Ears

– which are great for magic tricks, like that time daddy ‘made a coin appear from out my ear’, but not that time when ‘daddy needed a torch, some tweezers and a very large whisky after extracting a Lego head from their kid’s ear canal’.

F is for Farts

– because they are always funny. Except for when you turn up to day care to collect your pride and joy, and find they’re in the middle of telling all of the cute young ladies who work there how bad daddy’s farts smell, and how he does them “all the time and it makes me feel a bit sick“.

G is for Gross

– it’s a very simple equation: Poo explosion + road trip = Gross.

H is for Heavy

– because you haven’t experienced fatherhood until you’ve completed the return hike from the top of Cradle Mountain in Tasmania with an infant in a baby carrier, plus a toddler on your back, hoping against hope that no one pinched the pram from where you left it because you didn’t research the track properly before you set out for ‘a nice little walk’.

I is for Ice Cream

– which sounds good in principle, but always ends up in a situation where absolutely everything is covered in a sticky, gooey mess that adheres to your car seats until the end of time.

J is for Jokes

– “Daddy… Why did the tomato cross the road?“… “Because they are round and things that are round roll around all the time because they are round!!!” (Cue laugh track, while you’re dying quietly inside… but at least they’re trying, right?).

K is for Kicking

– we’d love that to be confined to either a footy, or learning to swim – but the reality is that most kids can, and will, gleefully kick every single thing they can find. If you’re lucky, it’ll mean random little stones that only leave tiny dents in the doors of your car. If you’re unlucky, it’ll end with a visit from the RSPCA, and a permanent ban on ever owning a cat again.

L is for Licking

– and believe me, it doesn’t matter how unappealing stuff looks to an adult, for little kids the proof is in the pudding. “What are you licking, mate?” … “I found a Band-Aid in the pool!”

M is for Mummy

– receiver of foot rubs, She Who Must Be Obeyed At The Supermarket, and the last bastion of sanity in an otherwise chaotic household.

N is for No

– practice saying it with me: No! No! No! (But please understand, no matter how good you are at saying it, they’re never going to listen.)

P is for Pee

– very hot water and one of those fruit-based shampoos your missus enjoys are very good at getting the smell out of your hair. And your beard… (Don’t ask… I’m trying to forget).

Q is for Quiet

– a distant memory for most – and a paradoxical source of colossal angst when you haven’t heard your newborn cough or fuss for longer than 10 minutes.

R is for Really?

– those moments when you didn’t think your kids could do anything more bizarre than eating a whole quince, and then they proceed to peel and eat a snail.

S is for Sleep

– remember “sleep”? Yeah… me neither.

T is for Tantrum.

– current research suggests that joining in when your little ones lose their minds by throwing yourself on the floor and howling like a wounded Viking is “not good parenting”.

U is for Umbilical

– a cord you are asked to cut that is messier and much harder than it looks.

V is for Vodka.

– ’nuff said.

W is for Whisky.

– see: “Vodka”

X is for Xylophone

– because it’s one of the only functional words in English that starts with ‘X’, and it’s also something you will grow to hate within about four minutes of arming a baby with one. They’ll love it. You won’t.

Y is for You.

– because you’re allowed to think of yourself once in a while… but not too often.

Z is for Zoo

– yes, they’re a source of wonder to visit, but they’re also a source of constant consternation when you realise that, for some unfathomable reason, your house smells exactly like the nocturnal marsupial exhibit, 24 hours a day.