Global Britain extends hand of friendship to all European criminals worried about extradition

The government has, with its declaration that it would pull out of the European Arrest Warrant mechanism, signalled that it wanted the UK to become a welcoming safe haven to Europe’s finest criminal scumbags.

In a statement to the press, Number 10 explained that, “We are not turning inwards like the doom-mongers say, as proves our willingness to welcome and protect Europe’s most dedicated thieves, sexual predators, drug dealers and murderers.

“We are also probably going to pull out of ECRIS, the European crime database, because we don’t want to rudely pry into the past of wanted criminals when they come here.”

In Romania, Simoi Wiliamescu, the leader of a huge network of enslaved child pickpockets, was one of many to welcome the news that he could find a safe place to hide should things go wrong with his vile enterprise.

“The European Arrest Warrant was always a worry. I keep the children I exploit quiet through horrific violence but there’s always the possibility of some German cop or a Spanish social worker making one of them feel safe and getting them to talk. And then I’m toast.

“But now I can just quickly go to the UK on a tourist visa and vanish knowing that the cops won’t be actively looking for me. I’ll be fine as long as I stay discreet and don’t do anything stupid like try to gain honest employment.

“Boris Johnson has thrown people like me an unexpected lifeline. I see good times ahead in the UK.

“Do you know how I can get into this county lines business?”