No white work friend, I won’t be chatting with you about Grey’s Anatomy for a while.

The unfiltered truth about “how Black people are doing” right now aka when #GenerationalTrauma happens in real time.

Today I spoke via phone with a Black gay male friend . It was a short “catch up” call, mostly about work, partly just to check in with each other. He was driving in his car. Alone. In Tennessee. When he told me all of that my stomach dropped & my anxiety sky rocketed — instantly. I searched myself to figure out why and quickly realized I was genuinely worried he would be harmed before he got back home. Not in the “anything could happen to a Black man way.” This was a NEW fear & because it was new, my body has no idea how to react to it.

This is the uncounted effect on our souls as Black people. A FRESH NEW round of justified and terrifying fears. Of course none of this is new — not to us. Not to Black folks in these so-called United States of American. This has happened to us over & over again for centuries. It’s a familiar, deadly cycle:

We steel ourselves to deal with with a very a rational fear. We work to educate ourselves about it. We build coalition to fight it. We create change & actually make progress at ending it. Only to be met with a new horror whose entire creation was meant to negate the work on the previous fear.

This is what we mean when we talk about #GenerationalTrauma.

“Oh — your grandparents told you the horrors of slavery? You all got that handled? Well, Let’s see how you get along with Mr Jim Crow.”

“Oh — your elders told you about how bad it was during Jim Crow — got that sorted do you? How about you see what about working your way through The War on Drugs.”

Oh — your parents educated you all about Mass Incarceration did they? You working on that with some success huh? Let’s see how you deal with a KKK endorsed POTUS.”

I am writing this in long form in addition to the thread I posted via Twitter because I want more white people to see these words and really think about their interactions with Black people for the foreseeable future. YOU may be ready to skip to debrief & analyze — but we are coming to grips collectively with a new horror & new #GenerationalTrauma

I’ve spend the last 48 hours doing nothing but talking to Black Women about how they are feeling & how moving in the world is going for them in the wake of Tuesday’s election results. The things I am hearing can only be compared to what you hear from soldiers coming back from active duty.

It is quite frankly PTSD at it’s inception point. Walking wounded. Uncomfortable in every place except alone or with other Black people. And not even there sometimes. Genuine fear of every white person they see. Here are a few examples:

“What if one of these people decides to push me into the street?”

“I can’t look white people in the eyes anymore. They hate me — they must hate me.”

“I feel so guilty — I’m not paying enough attention to my daughter. I’m broken.”

“I’m changing gym’s all they ever have on is CNN & I can’t deal with it right now.”

“I’m so angry. It’s so unlike me — I can’t control it”

and finally…“I find myself counting every 10 white people and trying to figure out which 4 of them hate me.”

THAT is how we are doing right now.

Black people are feeling betrayed at a level you do not comprehend. Tread lightly. I say this as someone who is married to a white man. Here are a few tips from me to you white folks which I do in service of all the Black Women who deserve more than I can give:

Wait for us to reach out to you. Don’t assume you are welcome right now — even if you have been in the past. ASK FIRST.

Don’t expect engagement — even from your bestie Black friend at work who you talk Grey’s Anatomy with — she ain’t here for it right now.

Don’t expect to be extended all social graces. We may not hold the door for you even if you are right there because it would mean interacting with you & we might not be able to do that right now.

Don’t automatically assume you’ll receive that invitation to the annual Thanksgiving football watch party — it might not come this year. We need time to tend to our wounds.

I don’t know how long this will last, all I know is what we need right now & that is other Black people to hold on to & connect with. We need explicitly Black spaces so we can simply breathe. If you care about us — you will honor that need as often as you can.