In my relatively short expanse of a lifetime, I’ve come to understand that there are certain truths you will never understand until you’ve experienced them for yourself. People can tell them to you while you’re crying in their arms, you can read books about them or hear speakers talk about them, and you might even repeat them absentmindedly to others without really believing them yourself.

But then, it clicks.

At a certain point, it just hits you. You realize that the little nugget of wisdom you’d been told over and over was right all along, but you just had to figure it out for yourself.

For some reason, I feel like a lot of these truths relate to relationships and dating. And since I have several single friends right now who are struggling to come to terms with some of these facts, I thought I would share them with all of you (or the parts that I’ve come to understand, at least). Hopefully this will help it “click” for at least one person.

Truths:

• No one else will be able to love you until you love yourself.

This one seems especially difficult for some, including me in the past. You’re low on self-confidence, but you think that if only you could find that one guy or girl, he/she would make you feel pretty or smart or full of worth. The fact is, you have tons of great qualities already that you don’t need anyone else to realize for you. But others can sense when you’re not comfortable in your own skin. Until you would date you, how can you expect anyone else to? You have to love yourself—the good and bad parts—before you can expect anyone else to do the same. It’s not easy and you won’t always get there 100%, but you have to start making steps in the right direction and helping yourself. Only then will you truly be able to let someone else in.

• Being in a relationship won’t solve your problems.

If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times: your problems won’t disappear when you get a girlfriend/boyfriend. This isn’t to say that relationships don’t have their perks, but your shitty job, your money problems, or your issues with your family won’t go away just because you finally found “the one.” Yes, you will have someone to stand beside you and hopefully help you through the hard times, but he or she won’t make the world disappear altogether. And that person will bring certain issues or frustrations of his/her own. This leads to truth number three:

• Relationships take work.

Cursed be the movies and books that end with the amorous couple finally coming together and sharing a beautiful kiss as the happy music grows louder and the credits begin to roll. That is not real life. Relationships are great, don’t get me wrong. But unless you’re dating Jesus or Mother Theresa, it’s not always going to be easy. People make mistakes. People have weird quirks. Other people come in and shake things up. These are all parts of a normal, healthy relationship. Sharing your life with someone else involves giving and taking, making compromises and concessions. You will laugh, and you will cry. Love can be a beautiful thing, but don’t let anyone tell you it’s easy.

Finally, one more truth that’s especially true to my heart:

• It gets better.

This probably deserves its own post and will likely get one at some time in the future, but for now I’ll keep it simple. All these truths can be painful on their own, but even worse when compounded with being, say, a lonely gay teen growing up in a tiny Midwestern town. Being alone sucks. Watching other people in relationships sucks. And having people resent you for who you are sucks, too. But you must, must, must remember that there are people who love you exactly how you are—be it gay, straight, fat, thin, white, black, or anywhere in between or around. Focus on those people, and let them show you how to love yourself. No heartache is forever, and someday you will be able to look back at even your worst moments and see how you have grown from them. And if you don’t want to take my word for it, there are thousands of others who will tell you the same at ItGetsBetter.org.

I love you, and even if I don’t know you, I am here for you.

TOG