So it’s that time of the year again, when the media would pretend that our future as an economy will be decided on this one day in the Parliament, and that the fate and the hopes of millions across this country rests on the shoulders of the Finance Minister. Yes, it’s time for the Union Budget.

Now, how do you intelligently react to the budget? If you are a member or supporter of any opposition party, you would already know this. If not, you better learn this right away. The unwritten thumb rule when it comes to the budget: YOU. JUST. DO. NOT. PRAISE. THE. BUDGET. Period.

Since the only thing you have to do as the opposition is criticize the budget, here are 10 ways to help you tear into it, without even watching the Finance Minister’s speech or reading the budget. You may be holidaying at a beach in Hawaii, lying on a hammock and sipping on a Pina Colada, or introspecting on the party’s future in Bangkok, but once you hear that the budget has been presented, you can still blindly post any of these statements, because they are fool-proof and they’ve stood the test of time.

1. This budget is all talk / hype and no substance.

If there is one cliche that has been uttered even more than Ravi Shastri’s tracer bullet, it is this. There’s a reason this gets the #1 position. This statement is as old as time itself. Even if a budget has details of allocation up to the last paisa, you can still say that it is all hype. Hell, you yourself may be on substance, but you can still say that the budget has no substance and it is would pass for acceptable criticism.

If ever there is a budget that does not elicit this exact (Yes, exact!) response from an opposition party member or supporter, it well and truly means that the world is about to end and you can say your last prayers.

2. This budget is full of cliches, has no reforms.

Please note this down – A budget can never be radical or reformative enough. So no matter how unbelievably slick and new a budget is, you’re allowed to say that it is full of clichés, and that it’s just old wine in a new bottle. (Doesn’t matter that you are using a cliché to say that it’s full of clichés) .

A variant that uses the people card: “People voted this government in expecting a lot of reforms, but the budget is unfortunately a big letdown. There is absolutely nothing new in this.”

3. This budget has nothing for the common man.

Here’s another rule for a spokesperson or a member or a supporter in the opposition – the budget can never, ever, ever, ever have anything for the common man. It doesn’t matter even if the budget abolishes taxation completely. It still DOES NOT have anything for the common man. No budget ever will. Common men may dance on the roads in joy. It still doesn’t matter. They are not the real common men. Understood?

4. This budget has only ideas, no concrete plans

This is another fashionable statement that has gained traction over the years and has almost become as popular as the “All talk, no substance” phrase. A budget, by definition, is a mere financial statement providing an account of funds for various undertakings. It is not meant to have concrete plans. But hey, remember, you are the opposition. So can a budget ever have a concrete plan? Hell no! Even if it the budget runs into one lakh pages of meticulous, eye-popping detail, a budget can never have a concrete plan, it can only have ideas. Clear?

5. This budget is idealistic, not practical

This is a more subtle, politically correct criticism of the budget, particularly suitable for the rare occasion when everyone else seems to think that the Finance Minister has nailed the budget. When a budget is really so good that it’s just extremely difficult to criticize, this is the statement to use. You can be politically correct, praise it and say, “I have utmost respect for the Honorable (Yes, use the word Honorable, H in caps) Finance Minister and I must say that he has hit the right notes (or struck the right tones. Gives an impression that you’re a musical intellectual) as far as intent goes, but I’m sorry to say (or I unfortunately have to say) that this budget is impractical and cannot be executed.”

Enough. That should do. Anything more, and you run the risk of making yourself look like a petty dolt from the opposition.

6. Wasted a golden opportunity to present a substantial budget

Again, another recently evolved statement with just a tinge of political correctness. Remember, when you say that the Finance Minister wasted or misused a golden opportunity to present a substantial budget, it makes you look as if you’re really disappointed, unlike the typical politician of the ‘all talk / no substance’ variety. It makes you look like a new age politician who comes across as someone who genuinely feels let down. You can be super politically correct and say, “Given his laudable credentials and potential, the respected Finance Minister had a wonderful opportunity to present something really substantial and convincing, but it is unfortunate that he hasn’t done so.”

But the risk you might run with this line is that it makes you sound like Rajdeep Sardesai or Yogendra Yadav, which can get particularly annoying, and might earn you a punch from someone.

7. What is being done to fight corruption? What about black money?

This one is the go-to line if you’re a self-styled anti-corruption crusader. You don’t have to care two hoots about the budget. For you, this is another ripe opportunity to pounce on and exhibit your “anti-corruption”ness by saying that the budget has nothing about fighting corruption and bringing black money back. Easy, because no budget likely will. At the most, the budget will make a mention of the government being “committed” to fighting against corruption and “providing transparency.” That’s all.

While you’re at it, you can question efforts to bring back black money as well. The budget isn’t likely to mention anything about this and it is unlikely that it will be recovered so soon. So while things still remain the way they are, this is another point for you to use.

8. The budget is disappointing, had a lot of expectations

Again, this makes you come across as a genuinely concerned citizen of the nation, rather than a politician who’s always ready to slam the government. Simple and effective, this is the best phrase to use when a budget is reasonably good, i.e. when others seem happy with the budget (since you are obviously not gonna go through the budget to assess if it’s good or not). That way you convey:

Being the opposition, you’ve done your job by criticizing it

You’ve not made yourself look like an idiot in front of the people. You’ve only given them the impression that you had very high expectations and hence, you were disappointed.

9. This budget is anti-poor, anti-farmer

Another modern classic. Cousin of “This budget doesn’t have anything for the common man”. When it comes to the poor and farmers (doesn’t matter even if the farmer is Robert Vadra) the budget, for you, is ALWAYS anti-poor and anti-farmer. No, it isn’t enough if you say budget has nothing for farmers. It necessarily HAS TO BE “anti-poor, anti-farmers.”

This is also the time where you get all preachy and say that farmers are the backbone and the lifeline of the nation. Without them, the nation doesn’t survive. You can also mouth adages like “A country is judged based on how it treats its poor,” and stuff like that.

10. This budget is a replica of our budget

Finally, you can simply say that this budget is a replica of the budget you guys presented when you were in power. However, this would require a certain degree of coordination unseen in modern political parties. You cannot have one person tear into the budget, and then have someone else say that it’s a replica of yours. But then, it’s not like people don’t do this already. So go ahead and use this one too by all means!

That’s it. Hope you all enjoyed this small tutorial on how to criticize the Union Budget!

Homework:

Here’s some homework for you all. After Mr. Jaitley presents the budget this year, read through this article and map each politician to whichever of the above remarks he or she used while criticizing the budget.

PS: Good luck, Mr. Jaitley!