Things Atheists are Outraged By (after Carrie Underwood’s Latest Song)

Apparently, atheists are absolutely outraged by Carrie Underwood’s latest song. You may ask how I know this, and there’s a simple answer to that question:

I was told it by a no less an authoritative source on atheist outrage than the Conservative Tribune, as well as the always accurate Tell Me Now and MR Conservative.

(In a delicious bit of irony, I think MR Conservative is supposed to be “Mister Conservative” but could easily be mistaken for another type of MR by the casual reader. But I digress…)

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s examine some of the other things that atheists are outraged by (after, of course, that song).

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People being wrong on the internet

This may shock some of my more delicate readers, but it’s true: People, on the internet, are often wrong. From thinking that Noah’s Ark was a real thing, or that the Shroud of Turin wasn’t a medieval creation, or that the Old and New Testaments are contradiction free, people believe all sorts of demonstrably wrong things. And boy, does it piss us off!

Getting confused with Satanists

Look, I know atheists are about as trusted as rapists and all, but for real? The whole thing about being an atheist is that you don’t believe in a god or gods. And if you don’t believe in a god, then you certainly aren’t going to believe in a devil. Maybe part of the confusion stems from the fact that most “Satanists” are actually atheists. Or maybe it’s from the fact that most people have a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea of a person just not believing in any supernatural forces. Either way, it’s not true, just like so many other myths about atheists.

Wearing pants

Come on, no one likes pants. It doesn’t matter what you believe or disbelieve in, no one puts on pants and thinks “Boy howdy, sure am glad I get to wear these today!”

People thinking we have no morals

Don’t believe in a god? Then you must, obviously, be a terrible person. You’d probably go about raping and murdering and eating babies and whatnot. That’s why you see so many atheists in prison, right? And by “so many” I of course mean “0.07%” of the federal prison population (for comparison, Mormons make up 0.28% and Protestants make up 26.7%). Where do we get our morals? My friend Dr. Darrel Ray tells us where, in language so simple that even a fan of modern-day country music could understand.

From the constant development of our culture. From the evolution of laws and guidelines that help us create a peaceful and prosperous society. We are who create our morality and we pass it down to our children and grandchildren.

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I could, of course, go on about all the misinformation people have about atheists, or how an atheist cannot hold public office in certain states in the US, or the myriad of ways atheists have been discriminated against through the world and across time, but I think what is most important to note is that ATHEISTS DON’T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT A CARRIE UNDERWOOD SONG.

Seriously, we don’t.