So on the 15th, I got a surprise message from my Secret Santa: "Hey you. Your gift's on the way. I know you said you don't like superheroes, but hopefully you like THIS one."

Well, slap me with a damn crate of Irish guns.

My Secret Santa is none other than MR. RON PERLMAN.

To continue, I came home the next night to a "we missed you!" notice in my mailbox. What, ALREADY HERE? But it had been less than a day since my gift was even marked as shipped! How the? I quickly looked over the notice (super-duper expedited shipping from NYC?) and found the sender's name written at the top corner. Victoria. Taylor.

It was reddit's lovely Victoria Taylor, of course, purveyor of all things AMA!

OK, now I'm about to flatline.

Fast forward to today (the 17th): I picked up the package at my post office, sat it down at my kitchen table, and... well, the photos will tell the rest!

I am so absolutely stoked and humbled to have received such awesome gifts from a standup guy like Ron. Big, BIG fan of his work, and now I have even more to enjoy from him this Christmas.

From the bottom of my heart, Mr. Perlman, thank you a thousand times over. You have truly made my year, and I can't wait to see what else you have in store for us this next year. You are one bad ass mothafucka/Secret Santa.

A super huge thank-you to Victoria as well! You two made a kickass team.

p.s: Ron and company, you deserve a room of trophies for the design and photo work of this memoir. I mean, holy wow. Whatever the heck this cover material is, I can't stop touching it. This is what love feels like. Happy holidays to you, Ron.

And happy holidays to the rest of you guys out there. SANTA IS VERY REAL, AND HE RIDES A G.D. MOTORCYCLE.

tl;dr Ron Perlman saves Christmas.