Sorry for being at it again, but I couldn’t resist. I am ruining yet another 90’s classic for you. Today we’re rewinding Hum Aapke Hain Koun. Believe it or not, there is a little bit of script in this wedding song compilation.

Hum Aapke Hain Koun (a musical) is the tragic true story of a dog called Tuffy, who just couldn’t take this shit anymore.

The film opens with a bunch of people playing cricket. Now for slower viewers, like yours truly, the makers of this film have been kind enough to label everything. Images and sounds are not enough for me to grasp these things.

BOY: Thank god they told me that was a boy under that hat. I was kind of sure it was a refrigerator until the close-up.

UMPIRE: This is more than a dog in a hat. If you look closely, it is a picture of every umpire we’ve ever had in Pak vs India matches.

BUM CHUMS: Because your bum gets lonely sometimes and boobies make great friends. #Chums4Evr

Anyway, this scene is an excuse to meet our guy Prem (Salman Khan), whose is one enthu, merry little bugger.

Prem is an orphan. He and his brother Rajesh have both lived with their uncle Kailashnath (Alok Nath) since they were kids.

Better known as Samurai Sanskaar or Cap’n Kanyadaan, Kailashnath has never married. That’s slightly odd for a guy who cannot wait to marry off anyone he can get his hands on.

Kailashnath wants a sundar susheel sanskaari girl for Rajesh. His friend’s daughter is exactly that. She lives in another city so the guys decide to go there, but Uncle and Prem don’t tell Rajesh the reason for going. Cheeky fellows.

On that note, we are taken to the other city and we meet our heroine… The sister of aforementioned rishta girl, Nisha (Madhuri Dixit). She’s the bee’s knees with skates on!

She’s put in charge of the local library for a while and that’s when she meets Prem. This is the start of many cliché cutesy Bolly couple fights, better known as nok-jhok.

The families both love each other and a lot of harassment later, Rajesh and Pooja (Nisha’s sister) get engaged, soon to tie the knot.

Among the guests in the shaadi ghar are Kailashnath’s friend’s family. The daughter (remember Bum Chums?) tries really hard to impress Prem.

Now I like her for the nostalgia value because she bears a striking resemblance to the Goombas from Super Mario Bros. However, I would respect her more if she were good at Goomba business (serving as an obstacle). But she isn’t.

Seriously, what the fuck is that hair?

On the other hand, Prem and Nisha’s romance is just beginning to bloom. During the wedding, Prem gives her a tour of Rajesh Bhaiyya’s best paintings (oh yeah, he’s a painter). They bond over chocolate and art.

Of course, no shaadi functions are complete without awkward moments created by borderline psychotic killer brown uncles. Anupam Kher (the samdhi) randomly announces that Kailashnath had a massive crush on his wife back in school, and even orders him to sing for her smile. You know, because that’s the graceful thing to do. #shadychachu

There’s a song where everyone kisses Samdhan Ji’s ass and lots of classic Bollywood aunty banter happens.

And after enough tomfoolery, the wedding day arrives. #LetsGetSad

It is time for the most pointlessly important shaadi tradition — joota chhupaai (hiding the grooms shoes for cash).

Prem and his servant Lallu Prasad hide the groom’s shoes in a red and yellow box, leaving Tuffy to guard it. This is not a particularly wise move because would you fucking look at Tuffy? He is no Rottweiler. He’s a tiny ass toy dog with the physical strength of a snowflake. Of course, the box is stolen and hidden by the larkiwalas.

Here’s something for your vocabulary:

Songotiation (noun): An Indian style of negotiating whereby the negotiation takes place in a song.

Nisha gets the joota money after songotiating with Prem. They have an intense moment in Nisha’s room while fighting to get their hands on the shoes. I wouldn’t blame anyone for intense moments in Nisha’s room and here’s why. She has larger than life portraits of herself having an ice-cream cone all over the walls. That shit is enough to startle and distract anybody.

They fall in love, of course.

Oh, where are my manners! This was someone else’s wedding, so let’s not take the limelight away from Count von Count of Sesame Street, who just got himself a wife.

Congratulations! Say it with me, kids, ONE wife! Today’s programme is brought to you by the number ONE! Hah hah hah hah!

Things happen rather fast – in one song. They play lots of cricket (with like 50 kids, no idea whose kids they are). Oh, and I won’t even attempt to take into account that everyone’s hair length fluctuates like crazy. Pooja Bhaabi’s short hair grows way past the back of her knees, in like months.

Bhaabi gets preggers and they break the news to Rajesh by pointing at a poster with an infant’s picture on it. Don’t know how normal it is to have a massive poster of a baby you don’t even know in your bedroom.

Well. Hope you guys are TMNT fans because that looks like fuckin’ Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Nisha comes over for the baby shower, because the rest of the family has trouble giving enough of a shit. Prem goes to pick her up and their romance is in full bloom now.

They’re in the perfect romance setting:

– Flowers

– A vehicle that screams ‘I was homeschooled’

– An animal that hates being a part of this

Not so “TUFF” against Bollywood, are you, Tuffy? Do you understand your role?

Anyway, Nisha comes over, the baby shower happens, and that part of the song we all love happens.

Soon, Rajesh leaves for “foreign” because “foreign” sends him a fax about work or something. Yup, that’s what they call any other country besides India. “Foreign” could be anything, from Bahrain to Australia.

He leaves with a heavy heart because the baby is due any day now. But the amount of fucks given about babies in this movie is clear from the fact that Pooja Bhaabi’s own parents never came for the bridal shower.

Meanwhile, Prem and Nisha are bonding the way most normal couples bond — by doing fucking pirouettes in the middle of the night together. #BalletBallet #ShawaShawa

A few days later, a baby boy is born.

Everyone’s excited! There are baby things everywhere. Toys galore!

Things are worrying me a little at this point because there are all these rishtedaars who never fucking leave. They’ve been living with the family since the wedding. Or they visit too often. And everyone is always dancing and dressed up.

Nisha’s always wearing these gold jhumkas the size of a dinner roll. And why is no one worried about going to work or paying the bills? I get that they’re rich but these people are abnormally happy.

IT IS NOT NORMAL TO BE DOING THIS ALL NIGHT WITHOUT HAVING CONSUMED AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL:

Prem drives Pooja Bhabi to her mum’s house and tells her that he’s in love with Nisha. She acts very surprised which makes me kind of want to slap her because they were hitting on each other like teenagers for months and no one noticed.

Everyone is happy and dancing again. Especially our little Tuffles!

Aaaaaand I jinx everything because (FINALLY!) something goes wrong. Pooja Bhaabi takes a tumble down the stairs. She’s in the hospital, unable to speak, but she points her finger towards Nisha and Prem.

She dies, leaving everyone in the family mourning. This pushes Tuffy into the dark abyss of depression even further.

The family discusses the prospect of Rajesh and Nisha’s marriage. A small misunderstanding happens and Nisha is screwed sideways.

Meanwhile, scientists declare Prem the largest invertebrate of the animal kingdom because he is the most spineless boyfriend to have ever existed. He’s cool with Bhaiyya and Nisha’s marriage because bros before hoes. He would never take this away from Rajesh.

Wedding invitations have been printed, Nisha’s gotten her henna done and not ONE soul has mentioned that she’s getting married to Rajesh. Only when she asks a friend to read out the wedding card does she realise she’s getting married to Count von Count and not Aladdin.

Nisha decides to sacrifice her love in the best interest of the family. Although, technically, no matter which brother she’d marry, she’d be in the house and be able to bring up the baby (who is the sole reason for this shit).

On her wedding day, she writes a letter to Prem and gets the necklace her sister gave to Prem and herself when they were a couple. She wraps these things in a handkerchief.

Aaaannndddd she asks Tuffy to deliver it to Prem. Yup.

And what does Tuffy do? You guessed it — deliver it to the wrongest person possible.

Raj finds out and does the right thing because LOL can you imagine an alternate ending? Prem and Nisha get married!

———The End———

Moral of the story:

Children are a mistake – dogs are where the party’s at. ❤

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