Now I know that there are few words in America more toxic than socialist, and these days, big government spending is about as popular as Casey Anthony at a Chuck E. Cheese. (audience groans) Yes, Americans say they hate socialism, but when it comes to Social Security, Medicare, unemployment, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, corporate welfare, bailouts, and farm subsidies, what we really say to socialism is, "I can't quit you."

Americans don't want less spending on health care; by almost 2:1 they want more. Only 7% of Americans are willing to do away with either Social Security or Medicare, and even 62% of Tea Party members say those programs are worth the cost. Yet 91% of them say they want smaller government with fewer services. They're like the guy who's been to prison and says, sure, "I gargle with a guy's balls every once in a while, and there's nothing I love more than ass play with other men, but you know who I can't stand? Fags."

Remember this guy, the "keep your government hands off my Medicare" guy? He's not alone. In one survey, 40% of people who get Medicare say they have not used a government program. Really? Who do you think paid for that hip replacement, your Secret Santa?

The actor and not very bright person Craig T. Nelson once said about hitting some rough spots in his life that, "I've been on welfare and food stamps, but anybody help me out? No!"

Or take Michele and Marcus Bachmann, or as I like to think of them, America's Indoor Palins. Yes, the Bachmanns, tireless advocates of cutting people off from the government tit. Well, it turns out they live on the tit. Their farm takes farm subsidies, their counseling clinic takes Medicaid, and their mortgage was underwritten by Freddie Mac. Michele knows civil servants are evil because she was an IRS agent, and Marcus hates government employees because sailors are so rough. But come on, if hypocrisy was uranium, they could power the planet.

And that's what's so hard about being a closeted lover of big government. You have to lie to yourself. But that's why I'm here tonight, with a special message for all you deniers.

It Gets Better.

Yes, there are millions of people in the world just like you, in nice places like Switzerland and Sweden. They enjoy high standards of living and freedom, and they're socialists. Studies show they're actually happier than we are, and that's not surprising, because the only difference between American socialism and European socialism is, European socialism works.

For their tax dollars, Europeans get full health care coverage, a generous pension, daycare, long paid vacations, maternity leave, free college, and public transportation that doesn't smell like pee.

Whereas our tax dollars go towards military bases in Germany, subsidies to oil companies, building bridges to nowhere, wars, and putting half of Cheech and Chong in prison.

They get universal health care, we get a Blue Angels flyover at the Fiesta Bowl.

They get paid maternity leave, we get the Octomom.

They've got Airbus, we've got the bus.

Isn't there anything we still do better? Even their paranoid racist loners look like speed skaters. (image of Andres Breivik) And ours look like Porky Pig. (image of Glenn Beck)