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I'm saying that Spider-Man already did the "supernatural guy has sex with normal chick and it's disastrous" storyline, and it was more appropriate and poignant and handled much better. Because in Reign, Mary Jane stayed dead, and in Twilight, I'm assuming that Bella is either going to survive childbirth or become a vampire, making the entire "I killed the love of my life by fucking too good!" plot completely meaningless.

Anyway, this fucking movie.

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The wolf pack (minus Shirtless Guy) is coming for Bella, which implies a longstanding werewolf/vampire rivalry that literally hasn't been mentioned in any of the other trailers. Next, we see the only person in this entire franchise who actually looks like a vampire.

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The trailer ends with a bunch of people running around while Bella attempts to give birth in the middle of the fancy house.

What I Think It's About

Edward and Bella fuck and it's great until it's bad, and then everyone's mad at everyone. This is Part 1 of a two-part finale, and unless Part 2 is all about how dead Bella is, I'm assuming she survives childbirth. Someone probably figures out "Hey let's just make her a vampire," and then they make her a vampire, and then everyone's a vampire, which makes the wolves more or less angry, I'm not really sure. Shirtless Guy will either die heroically or end up with one of the other minor characters. Dakota Fanning? Is she too young?

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Anyway Bella fails out of high school the end.

Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's senior writer (ladies) and had a lot more fun pretending to know what was going on in the Harry Potter movies (Hermione). BUT the movie he's most excited about is Kill Me Now!, a teen-sex-horror-comedy by Those Aren't Muskets! featuring a TON of familiar Cracked faces. Go here to find out how to bring the movie to your town and make money doing it.

For more from Dan, check out 6 Harry Potter Films According to Someone Who Never Saw Them and If 'Twilight' Was About Dragons (And Contained More Fisting).