I am not a nervous person in general. Nor am I a pessimist. But I am both those things when it comes to the Steelers. This is the time of the year where I worry about the worst possible scenario for the Steelers to lose in the playoffs. I have no idea what the hell is the matter with me but that is the way I am. Here goes.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: We make it to the AFC championship against the Patriots and get our asses handed to us again.

The thought is unbearable. In 2001 they beat us by scoring on a blocked field goal in which a forward pass was never flagged. In 2004 they beat us because they had all of our defensive signals on videotape. A third loss in a championship game would be worse then Heinz Field blowing up like it does in the Dark Knight Rises trailer.

I watched the 2004 game with a fraternity brother who was an Eagles fan. It was pretty clear early on that we were going to lose that game and he was giving me shit the entire game. Every time the Steelers made a bad play he would mock me. I would retaliate by saying some pretty despicable stuff, like making fun of his girlfriend for being fat, or his thyroid problem. We were not super close after that game.

SECOND WORSE SCENARIO: We lose to the hated Ravens.

I threw up in my mouth just thinking about it. Steelers have NEVER lost to them in the post season. Ravens fans can never fuck with us because of this. No matter what the hell happens we always have that ace up our sleeves. They say things like “Ben’s a rapist”. Oh yeah, FUCK YOU! We own you in the post season. Eat my shit.

I need that.

It would be terrible for it to ever not be true. I hope I am dead in my grave before I live to see the day when Ray Lewis does that stupid dance because they beat us in the playoffs.

THIRD WORST SCENARIO: Losing to Tebow.

Boy, this would suck. ESPN, of course, would dedicate that entire week after the game to discuss how awesome Tebow is. “All he does is WIN, he’s a WINNER, he finds ways to WIN.” I get it, He throws like an asshole and somehow wins games. Saying that he is a WINNER is not analysis. Stop that. Maybe explain that their style of offense helps them win in the fourth quarter because they wear defenses down with their run game.

On a side note, what would happen if Tebow won the Super Bowl? That would be undeniable truth that there is a God, right? Also, ESPN would never stop talking about it. I would have to stop watching sports all together, which would suck because I have no other hobbies.

FORTH WORST SCENARIO: Losing in the Super Bowl again.

You know how in college you have to take useless core classes like Philosophy? The last day of class you hand in your final and IMMEDIATELY forget everything about what you learned by the time you get back to your dorm room? This is what happened to me after the super bowl. People mention shit from that game and I literally have no memory of it. I even forgot the next few days after it happened. It’s for the best.

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