Q: So I'm told you have a rather controversial theory about art, is that true?

A: [laughing] Yes, and it's gotten me in quite a bit of trouble.

Q: Could you explain it for us?

A: Well, first of all, it's not the most original of ideas. I actually stole it from Mrs. Hennesey, my fourth grade art teacher. She always used to say that there's no such thing as bad art, which, for many years, I just wrote off as a meaningless self-esteem booster. But the more I've thought about it, the more it makes sense. So nowadays I say All Art is Good Art.

Q: All art is good art... intriguing.

A: Yeah, it seems like a bold statement, but it's really not that crazy. Any endeavor that strives to be art necessarily involves a certain amount of effort and thought, and thus has meaning regardless of skill level, originality, or audience appreciation. A teenager's doodles in social studies class-- that's fine art. The guy at the bar doing a herky-jerky dance to Billy Joel on the jukebox-- that's modern dance, whether he knows it or not.

Q: So by extension, criticism is irrelevant?

A: That's right. Who is anybody to judge the relative worth of an artistic product? And it's ironic, because by writing a criticism, the critic him- or herself is also making art! [laughing] But criticism is hopelessly subjective, one person's opinion can't possibly take into account how every single person would perceive a given piece. To use a musical example, take the band Journey. Journey is reviled by music critics everywhere, but my brother and I love driving down the coast singing along to "Any Way You Want It" at the top of our lungs. It's all relative.

Q: Well, if I may give you another musical example, what would you say about a band like Oasis?

A: That's another band that critics turn their nose up to, but they have some great songs. "Wonderwall," "Champagne Supernova," "Supersonic;" good stuff, but universally panned for being too derivative. There are a lot of people out there who don't care how much Oasis cops from the Beatles though, they just want to hear a good song they can sing along to. Again, relativity.

Q: Have you heard Oasis' new album?

A: [coughing] Excuse me, sorry... they have a new album?

Q: Yes, Heathen Chemistry. It came out last week.

A: Didn't they break up or something? I thought I heard on VH1 or somewhere that the brothers weren't speaking to each other.

Q: No, the Gallaghers are still together. They replaced the rest of the band, but they still lead, in their quarrelsome way.

A: Well, since I haven't heard the album, I can't really intelligently comment on it.

Q: Oh, but I have a copy right here. I'll put it on.

A: Oh, gee... okay.

Q: [music starts] While we're listening, I'll quote some lyrics-- I'd like to hear how they fit in with your theory. The lead single, "The Hindu Times," revolves around one of Oasis' favorite topics with the chorus, "I get so high I just can't feel it." Songs like "Little by Little" show that the brothers are growing up, though, expressing thoughts like, "We the people fight for our existence/ We don't claim to be perfect but we're free," and bemoaning that "my God woke up on the wrong side of His bed." But the most frequently touched upon topic is that of the woman who done them wrong, such as the harpy in "Force of Nature" who is castigated for "smoking all my stash/ And burning all my cash."

A: No, wait a second, you had to have made that last one up.

Q: Just listen ["Force of Nature" plays in background]

A: My God. It's the chorus, even!

Q: So, is it art?

A: Well, the... um... lyrics, as clunky as they are, still reflect a certain point of view.

Q: That of the hedonistic rock star, head full of cocaine, bemoaning his lifestyle of promiscuous sex and striving for an easy quasi-spirituality?

A: Yeah, sure. It's still a point of view... I guess. But the lyrics are just one aspect of any musical piece.

Q: You're exactly right. And I think Heathen Chemistry's instrumental, "A Quick Peep," is the purest example of Oasis' musicality. Here, let me play it for you.

A: See, now you're putting me on. I've heard that before, it's the Allman Brothers or Clapton or somebody.

Q: Nope, still Oasis.

A: Hmmm. Well, at least they're not stealing tricks from the Beatles any more, right? [laughing]

Q: No, they still are. [plays "Born on a Different Cloud"]

A: Wow. Well, as I said before, originality isn't necessarily a prerequisite for artistic achievement. Many great artists have been deeply influenced by their forebears.

Q: So if, say, somebody Xeroxed the entirety of Crime and Punishment, changed the title to Russian Psycho, and released it to the public, that would be okay?

A: Um... well, that's an extreme example.

Q: Oh. Well, it gets better. Because Heathen Chemistry also takes the time to cop riffs and progressions from previous Oasis hits: "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" has the same string syrup as "Wonderwall," "Hung in a Bad Place" recycles the noise and whine of pretty much every Definitely Maybe track, and so on. So it's like our hypothetical artist repackaged the text of Russian Psycho as Latvian Maniac and passed it off as his newest work. Still art?

A: Leave me alone.