Wow. That might have been the best episode since Brooks essentially dumped Desiree during the final 3 of her season. This thing had everything you could possibly want in a contrived reality show setting. The conclusion of a to be continued, a majority of group date participants running to the bathroom so they could cry, tattling, epic stare downs, a band that was a one hit wonder. I know the water cooler at your place of employment was a buzz about what happened last night, so let’s get to it.

Not surprisingly we pick up where we left off last episode. Kelsey is still flopping on the bathroom floor like a fish out of water and screaming like Chris took the rose stem and stabbed her through the heart with it. After paramedics get her “stabilized” there is only one thing that can help her through this ordeal. That’s right, some TLC from none other than Chris. This of course leads the girls to believe she faked it to get some more time with him. It’s no secret that Kelsey is this season’s villain. I’m sure most have seen this by now but if you haven’t here is her husband’s obituary:

“Sanderson Patrick Poe, age 42, had great passion for the loves of his life. His wife, Kelsey Lyn Poe and his music. Together Sanderson and Kelsey set their course as one and as one they were. Kelsey’s goal and Sanderson’s supportive commitment were achieved May 18, 2013 with Kelsey’s graduation with her Master’s Degree from the University of Texas in Austin. Sanderson lived his life as a loving partner to Kelsey and to be true to his own free spirit.”

Who the fuck makes an obituary all about themselves? This got me thinking, so in the words of jigsaw:

Exactly what kind of villain is Kelsey?

Your first choice:

Kelsey is 2 face. Later in the episode you see her start crying and apologetic when she is confronted about her behavior. Later in a confessional she bad mouths them.

Your second choice:

Kelsey is the Riddler. You heard her talking about how she thinks she’s some sort of wordsmith with her big words. Thinking she’s able to outsmart everyone. Bragging about her eloquence and how she is articulate (Christopher Nolan really needed to include the Riddler in one of his batman movies).

Your third choice:

Kelsey is catwoman. Acting all mysterious. Trying to get Chris to chase. The only thing she lacks is the cat like agility. I’m sure Tobias Funke has some tips:

Our villain makes a miraculous recovery and brags about it. The ceremony commences and Sam and Mackenzie are sent packing.

We get back to normalcy and a date card is dropped off. First up is a one on one and our lucky lady is Becca. I like Becca. She’s cute, seems genuine, doesn’t get caught up in drama. This of course means she won’t win. They go horseback riding make out later. She did use the word reciprocate quite a bit. If anyone remembers back on Desiree’s season of ‘ette her brother went on the attack whether the guys “reciprocated” with his sister. It was comical and I can’t ever hear the word without thinking about that. Overall the date was kind of boring. But that was probably because back at the hotel room the girls went on the offensive. It was time to tell Kelsey she was being mean. I’m pretty sure she cried more during that discussion than when she killed tragically lost her husband.

Next up is our group date. The girls need to write a love song to Chris. Don’t worry though, one hit wonder and champion of little people Big and Rich are here to help:

(Be very careful on google for any search that includes the word “midget”)

If you watched more than 2 minutes of college football a couple of years ago you’ll know their song:

The girls scatter off to their corner to work on their song and Jade is struggling. She’s super nervous about singing in front of people (but not taking her clothes off) so Big (or Rich. whichever the taller one is) comes over to help her out. They run in the street and apparently that’s all you need to come up with some inspiration. Britt must have finished early because she is hanging on Chris and making out with him while everyone else watches. Jade is bummed out because she was super happy and isn’t too excited after watching that. So imagine that. Jade is trying to write a love song to sing, the guy it’s about is fooling around with other women, he’s doing it right in front of her, and she looks foolish still trying to get this guy. She doesn’t need Big and Rich. She needs advice from this girl:

Since Chris is no Bieber he does a better job of making them all feel like their song is special (I actually thought most of them were pretty good). They were each accompanied by a ZZ Top looking banjo player. One that stood out was Carly, who is a professional(?) singer. But let’s focus on those eyebrows. What exactly happened there? Did she pluck them raw? The opposite of course would have been to let them grow wildly and form as one. So you tell me, who wore it/them best:

Both could probably learn a thing or two from the other.

After everyone is done singing, Chris has his one on one time with each. Lot of small talk and then he gets to Britt. He takes her outside and over to some barn looking building. When you are a famous band like Big and Rich you don’t come to some small South Dakota town to hang out with Chris. You are also there to perform in front of dozens (Dozens!!!) of people. Chris takes Britt up on stage and dances, kisses, roses. Girls weren’t too happy when the two returned. There has always been awkward silence on the bachelor, but this might have been the best. As soon as Chris left everyone took off and started crying almost instinctively. Whitney states how Britt didn’t enjoy the date because she doesn’t like country music and that because she does,it should have been her. She then starts crying. Sounds a lot like a special princess that they made fun of for not getting to go on her princess date. The feelings are real.

And now the main event. The moment you’ve been waiting for. The 2 on 1 date. If you are new to the show two women go on the date and there is only one rose. Our combatants are Ashley I and Kelsey. Traditionally the 2 on 1 date is met with fear. The stakes are high. Never before have I seen two people actually want to go on this date to send the other home. Not sure if this was Chris’ idea or the producers but job well done. They head to the badlands to spend the day. Kelsey will be sure to tell you all about the badlands in case you didn’t know what they are. There is a bed in the middle of the terrain and that’s really it. The bed looked like it was for a king or sultan or something. I’m sure this pleased Ashley when she popped up on it looking like princess Jasmine waiting for Aladdin to choose her.

Have you seen the girl that looks like and dresses up like the princess from frozen? This is how it started:

And this is what it led to:

I feel like Ashley I and the frozen girl would be best friends. Having cool tea parties and shit. Maybe even having dinner parties like this one:

Chris pulls Ashley aside and spends time with her first. Since Ashley is in the badlands, she might as well badmouth Kelsey. She basically lays her out (deservedly so) and tells Chris that everyone hates her. I haven’t seen someone thrown under the bus that bad since Cady Herron “pushed” Regina George:

Now it’s Kelsey’s turn. Chris being the idiot he is tells Kelsey exactly what Ashley said about her. Most of the time is spent with Kelsey trying (and failing) to defend herself. Kelsey returns to the bed for sultans while Ashley sits waiting. Kelsey stares her down like I’ve never seen. Thought she was going to burn a hole in her. Words can’t do this justice so watch it:

And then watch it again. And again. When Kelsey said I know what you did I was hoping she would chase that with “last summer”. I wouldn’t put it past her to turn this into a horror scene. I mean she already killed her husband. But once words are exchanged it is on. Intelligence was questioned. Both say they have MBA’s. I didn’t know University of Phoenix online offered those. Your standard barbs were thrown about. Kelsey mentioning Ashley is a Kardashian wannabe (Kardashley) although I think that was done in a confessional. At this point the judges have awarded the fight to Ashley. She got under Kelsey’s skin and she just needs to hold on. But instead she goes running to Chris asking why he told her what she said (probably a pretty fair question). She just does so while crying hysterically and is inaudible throughout. She has instantly lost the battle and the war. Chris calms her down and tells her she’s going home. I think if asked he would lie but I wonder if Chris still would have sent her home had she not done that. He then returns to Kelsey and slowly breaks the news to her that she will also not be getting a rose. Chris flies away in his helicopter and we see an overhead shot of the two women wandering about the badlands presumably looking for the rose he forgot to hand out. Do they fight to the death to see who makes it out of South Dakota? We can only hope next week’s episode opens with the conclusion.

Back at the hotel room when production goes to retrieve the bags of the departed a party breaks out. Champagne corks popped, dancing, probably a pillow fight. While the girls might be happy, what am I going to write about next week?

I don’t normally like to discuss the previews for next weeks episode but it looks like I’ll be just fine. Girls turn on Britt, more crying, Jade bring up her playboy shoot. It’s a Sunday and Monday airing of episodes but I’ll probably only do one post.

What I’ll miss most about Ashley I is her face devouring make out sessions. Sure, she’s inexperienced but what could cause someone to want to eat another’s face. I blame this song and any literal interpretation:

Ashley I and Kelsey:

See you next week

- Nick