1. “The other day I was having lunch with my toddler at the local diner and I told her that the crispy brown parts of her fries were poop smear because I wanted them for myself.”

— Neurobiologist, 40

2. “I was at my wit’s end the other night, trying to comb my daughter’s hair as she kicked and screamed loud enough for the neighbor’s to hear. Finally, I told her that if she didn’t let me brush her hair, it would turn into an actual rat’s nest and that a rat would climb into her bed in the middle of the night and make her tangled head its home.”

— Orthodontist, 34

3. “When my kids make a mess in the kitchen or playroom I warn them that they better clean up fast. Otherwise, Mister Germ, a giant green monster made of boogies, will visit and rub booger goo all over their faces.”

— Freelance Photographer, 35

4.“My 7-year-old girl lost her first tooth recently and I told her that once you’re big enough to start losing your baby teeth, you can’t act up anymore. Every time you do, I explained, one of the Tooth Fairy’s cousins dies. Now whenever she even starts to whine, I give her the don’t-kill-a-fairy death stare and the nonsense stops right away. It’s beautiful.”

— Theology Professor, 38

5. “I have a 6-year-old who’s always been impossible at bedtime, so I finally told him that the smoke alarm on his ceiling was a special sensor that was watching his every move and that it would emit poisonous smoke if he was naughty and climbed out of bed after we tucked him in. Worked like a charm.”

— Nutritionist, 28

6. “My kids wouldn’t stop begging me for a trampoline so I finally told them trampolines are animal killers because innocent forest creatures get caught in the coils and the metal strangles them. You should have seen how horrified they looked.”

— Interior Designer, 30

7. “I have twin 8-year-old boys and they’re desperate for an iPad because a few of their rich friends have one. To get them to stop asking for one, I told them about a new study proving that iPads rot kids’ eyes. I said that a lot of moms don’t know it yet, so they’re lucky I’m well informed. Now my mission is to keep them from going on any play dates with iPad families so I can keep up the charade a while longer.”

— Stat At Home Mom (SAHM), 29

8. “When our pet turtle Larry died I was having a terrible day already. The last thing I could handle was a weeping 4-year-old, so I told my child that if he took a nap and prayed hard enough, Larry might come back to life. While he was sleeping I ran out to the store and bought a replacement turtle. If he grows up thinking he’s God, it’s definitely my fault.”

— Private Wealth Manager, 36

9. “Yesterday my 10-year-old asked me how women get pregnant and I buckled under the pressure. I ended up telling her that her body would automatically know it could make a baby as soon as she got married and her husband placed a wedding ringer on her finger.”

— Retail Store Manager, 33

10. “This morning my 5-year-old ran into my bedroom all hyper, wanting to play, and I was too exhausted to consider moving. So I told him that I was having a dream about Toy Land and that if he walked away and let me sleep in, I’d bring a bunch of toys back for him to play with. Not the smartest move since I couldn’t follow-through on my end.”

— Journalist, 31

11. “I’m a single mom and I don’t want my kid knowing what a bastard her dad is, so I lie and say that he was a famous astronaut who died on the job and that his body’s floating around in space. It’s an awful thing to say, maybe, but better than telling her she’s half asshole.”

— Nurse Practitioner, 37

12. “Every time my kid starts driving me crazy, I tell him that if he leaves mommy alone for half an hour, Santa will add a present to the sack just for him at Christmas. He’s probably owed a few thousand extra gifts at this point. Good thing he’s not that good at math yet!”

— Pharmaceutical Sales Representative, 39

13. “Whenever my children get too rambunctious in public I look at them sternly and say ‘Shhhhhh, you’re going to wake the baby.’ Somehow that always quiets them, but I dread the day they realize there aren’t that many sleeping babies around.”

— Teacher, 29