One of the things that is real and that has been unearthed by the Hamilton fans is this 1861 pornographic biography of Aaron Burr, in which the young Aaron Burr fucks his way from New Jersey to Massachusetts and back in the early days of the American Revolution.

We don’t know who wrote it, we don’t know why, and we really don’t know why this anonymous someone decided that what the world needed in 1861 was a porny bio of AARON BURR. (I also don’t know how accurate it is, but I’m basically assuming that this is mostly made up, save for the facts that can be verified.)

So we have this guy:

About whom anonymous wrote:

“We are not, however, apologizing for the faults of Aaron Burr; we shall only aim to give him his due; and we shall also do justice to the charms of woman, when we remember that Burr was neither a fool nor a poet.”

(Question from Ppyajunebug: “Where’s the porny bio of A Dot Ham?”

Answer: He wrote it himself.)

We begin with the Birth of Burr, the death of his parents, his entrance into Princetown College, and the loss of his virginity at the age of 17. His first paramour (of many) was a girl from Connecticut named Adelaide King. He first saw her at a church, and they got to know each other more at village gatherings. He works his charms until, “It was down a green lane, some half a mile from the village church of Bethlehem [CT]…that Adelaide King yielded up her virgin purity to the importunities of her lover. The very spot has been pointed out to us more than once.”

Like, is there a plaque?

After the deflowering, Burr went back to Jersey, she went to her parents’ house, turned out to be pregnant, was thrown out of her home, and then she and the baby died. Burr was toooooootally gonna send her money, but just needed to hear from her where he should send it.

This did not change his behavior in the slightest. There’s a bit at the end of the first chapter that says that Burr did think sadly about Adelaide and the baby, saying “But it is I who suffer the crucifixion.” The chapter ends with, “We write thus to show that Burr, though a reckless seducer of female virtue, was deeply sensible of the worth and devotion of Adelaide King.”

Um, that smells like bullshit, but whatever.

Once in Jersey, he met a girl by the name of Angelina while she was out riding, and nearly sealed the deal next to the road when the local reverend came trotting by, requiring them to jump apart and totally pretend like Burr hadn’t thrown Angelina’s skirts up and was about to “enter the gates of Paradise.” Due to circumstances, they couldn’t meet up again to finish their journey to Bone Town, and then another pretty girl, Miss Edwards, shows up in town! OH NOES WHATEVER SHALL AARON DO?

Bang them both, of course. Like, he sends a note to Angelina asking her to meet him at a certain place, and he’ll hang out there every day at 3 pm, and after she doesn’t show up for a few days, he brings Miss Edwards to the same place and basically throws her to the ground and tosses up her skirts (get used to that phrase), and she would have screamed but he was just too strong and then “…the most thrilling raptures entranced her.”

Only they were not quiet, and sure enough, just as Burr was about to finish, who shows up but Angelina!

“Come, my dear, now it’s your turn! Lie right down!” Upon hearing this, Miss Edwards swoons and Angelina starts to tear into Burr for being an inconstant turd, but he tells her that he was in such despair that she would never meet him and he was just so full of pent up passions, “…I merely used this girl as one would use a common stroller, to cool my blood.”

Shockingly, THIS WORKS and she lets him play with her boobs until she sinks to the ground, and he fucks her too, and she’s totally brought away by those, “first raptures which so overcome the virgin heart of woman.”

She faints from the power of her orgasm, and then Miss Edwards wakes up and is like “what the actual fuck” and Burr tells her that he HAD to fuck Angelina in order to keep Miss Edwards’ reputation safe. Angelina, he says, would have told the whole country “had I not stopped her mouth by stopping her other end.”

He totally did it on Miss Edwards’ behalf, you see. Not his own.

He keeps banging Angelina until he leaves New Jersey for New York. One day, after a VERY stressful day of oogling the ladies, he pops into a church to sit down while a sermon is going on, and then the choir sings, and there’s a lovely young lady, a Miss Keating, who is a young widow in dire need of consoling. He tells her about the death of his mother to play on her sympathies, and it works, but once they’re done, she falls into a guilt spiral. Burr assures her that his soul is fine, and leaves.

BUT THEN NATURALLY he notices a thing in the paper that she’s been fished out the river where she attempted to kill herself out of guilt for enjoying sex with him, so he sets up a buddy of his who needs a wife to go romance her, and they end up happily ever after, thanks to Aaron Burr’s dick.

Then he finds a beautiful, passionate woman who got married just because she wanted to try out this sex thing, but her husband has a side piece in New Hampshire, so Aaron gets it on with the wife, and then the husband comes home early and discovers that there’s a dude in his wife’s bed, but it’s dark so he can’t see WHICH dude. Aaron manages to sneak out and find refuge in a house with another woman (Seriously, this dude’s refractory period is microscopic) and the wife and husband forgive each other for their transgressions and live happily ever after, thanks to Aaron Burr’s dick.

Later on, he bangs a nun at a convent, a English girl who’s a guest of his commanding officer (and he’s surprised that she offers to resistance to the sexxing) and a couple of random girls in the early days of the actual war before resigning from the army at the ripe old age of 23.

The final chapter races through the remaining 60 years of his life, including his marriage, Vice Presidency, duel with Alexander Hamilton, and death. There appears to have been less sex.

This is TOTALLY BONKERS and in classic Victorian-era erotica fashion, also pretty damn rapey. A Dot Burr deflowers a LOT of unwilling virgins, at least one of whom dies as a direct result. It’s chock full of the unfortunate implications that persisted through the ages: women are the guardians of their virtue, men are conquerors in “the wars of Venus,” a “no” really means “I don’t want to be thought to be a slut, but as soon as it’s inevitable, I’ll totally be into it” and love is love at first orgasm. For women.

This is a self-perpetuating rape culture cycle. In order to be “allowed” to enjoy sex, women must be forced into it, which tells men that a “no” is “the only socially acceptable answer I can give, no matter what I actually want, so you have free rein to ignore that.” So super rapey Burr in the context of 19th-century erotica is understandable but STILL REALLY RAPEY.

This is just straight up Real Person Fic, and as I said, I feel pretty sure that the authors who wrote this used the bare bones of where Aaron Burr was and what he was doing there – kind of – and threw in who he was doing.

I don’t know who wrote this. I don’t know why. I don’t know why someone decided what the world was lacking was a porno bio of Aaron Burr of all people. There’s a line in “A Winter’s Ball” in Hamilton where Burr sings about how he and Hamilton are “reliable with the LADIEEEEES- there are so many to deflower!” If that was a reference to this book, Lin-Manuel did not mention it on the Genius annotations. But it wouldn’t surprise me.

On a technical note, I got this ebook from Amazon, and there are a lot of OCR errors — random characters and the like. It was only 99 cents, so I’m not, like, upset about it. It’s WORDY, though. Super wordy.

Talk less, fuck more, Burr. With, you know, clearly expressed consent.