PHILADELPHIA—Brazenly demonstrating his near-traitorous contempt for his country, unpatriotic man Douglas Harlow on Tuesday reportedly failed to maintain an erection for the duration of the National Anthem. “Sorry, but he doesn’t deserve to call himself an American if he won’t keep his hard-on going for the entire song,” said nearby stadium attendee Rick Glasbergen, explaining that someone who truly loved the United States and everything it stands for would never let his penis go semi-soft while the “Star-Spangled Banner” played. “It’s bad enough that some of these athletes are totally flaccid in protest, but now even the fans can’t be bothered to stay sprung for two minutes? Well, I have red, white, and blue coursing through my willie, and if this guy doesn’t like it, he can just find some other place where his limp-dicked America-bashing is welcome.” Glasbergen went on to say that if the man couldn’t even maintain his erection, there’s no way he’d patriotically orgasm at the last triumphant note.

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