UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Upholding the promise they made so many years ago, a cabal of handsome male celebrities agreed Friday to continue withholding the cure to baldness from both the public and actor Jude Law. “To date, neither the public at large nor Law have demonstrated themselves as being worthy of the quantum entanglement formula ensuring a man’s full head of hair well into his 70s,” said a spokesperson for the highly secretive group blessed with thick, luscious hair, which includes Johnny Depp, Chris Hemsworth, Paul Rudd, and other prominent Hollywood figures who have for decades quietly shepherded physically attractive and successful celebrities into their ranks. “As is stated within our bylaws, should you carry a film which grosses over $150 million domestically, we will contact you with the cure. Even if you choose to decline, as did Dwayne Johnson, you are free to keep the sacred knowledge. This, of course, excludes Law who regardless of fame or fortune will never be one of us.” At press time, members of cabal were frantically preparing to ingest cyanide capsules after learning Law had breached the entrance to the faction’s secret headquarters.

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