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Stephen King introduced me to horror. He got me addicted to reading. I try to devour anything he writes, and most of the time, I am not left disappointed. He is my favorite writer, so obviously I felt compelled to summarize every one of his books using the character limits of Twitter. And before you say anything, don’t worry: Steve and I were recently published together in the same anthology, so now we’re BFFs.

And yes, I realize someday I will have to explain to my grandchildren why I spent an entire Sunday writing this article. I’ll worry about that when the time comes. Until then…

Carrie (1974)

The tale of a brave girl with telekinesis taking the ice water challenge during prom.

‘Salem’s Lot (1975)

A writer fights vampires.

The Shining (1977)

A writer fights his family.

Rage (1977)

Breakfast Club, but with guns.

The Stand (1978)

An overly long advertisement for Kleenex.

The Long Walk (1979)

A cautionary tale against blue balls.

The Dead Zone (1979)

Man wakes up from a coma and decides to assassinate a political figure for killing a dog.

Firestarter (1980)

A 426 page lesson about why children shouldn’t play with fire.

Roadwork (1981)

Construction workers are assholes.

Cujo (1981)

Dogs are assholes.

The Running Man (1982)

Television producers are assholes.

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger (1982)

Clint Eastwood chases Johnny Cash.

Christine (1983)

Boy meets car, car and boy fall in love…

Pet Sematary (1983)

*cemetery

Cycle of the Werewolf (1983)

Werewolves are assholes.

The Talisman (1984)

A boy and his wolf hitchhike through worlds. Nothing snarky here. I love this book so much.

Thinner (1984)

Fat people deserve to die.

It (1986)

Small town kids join together to battle evil and then celebrate by having a sewer orgy.

The Eyes of the Dragon (1987)

The book that inspired HBO’s Game of Thrones.

The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three (1987)

Clint Eastwood rescues Jesse Pinkman.

Misery (1987)

A writer fights his #1 fan.

The Tommyknockers (1987)

A writer fights aliens.

The Dark Half (1989)

A writer fights his pseudonym.

The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands (1991)

Clint Eastwood and Jesse Pinkman adopt a raccoon.

Needful Things (1991)

Materialism is evil.

Gerald’s Game (1992)

50 Shades of S.K.

Dolores Claiborne (1992)

Husbands are assholes.

Insomnia (1994)

The book that everyone always says “cured their insomnia” but in reality is actually quite good.

Rose Madder (1995)

Haha, I don’t think anybody knows what this one was about.

The Green Mile (1996)

Jesus Christ heals a prison guard’s urinary tract infection.

Desperation (1996)

Fuck the police.

The Regulators (1996)

My brother spoiled the ending of this novel when I first started it. I’ll never forgive you, Jeremy.

The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass (1997)

Clint Eastwood falls in love.

Fear Nothing (1998)

A man and his dog challenge the sun to a dance-off.

Bag of Bones (1998)

A writer fights his ghosts.

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon (1999)

In a shocking turn of events, a nine year-old girl joins the Boston Red Sox.

Hearts in Atlantis (1999)

People with bad fashion sense are out to kill you.

On Writing (2000)

A writer fights writer’s block.

The Plant (2000)

A writer sends a manuscr—

Dreamcatcher (2001)

Four friends battle a shit-weasel.

Black House (2001)

The story of a man who eats children and generally pisses everybody off.

From a Buick 8 (2002)

Christine 2

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla (2003)

Clint Eastwood becomes a Jedi and plays Quidditch.

Odd Thomas (2003)

The story of what happened to Haley Joel Osment’s character in The Sixth Sense once he grew up.

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah (2004)

Clint Eastwood and Jesse Pinkman break the fourth wall.

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower (2004)

Clint Eastwood climbs a tower and pisses a lot of people off.

The Colorado Kid (2005)

Cold case files are assholes.

Cell (2006)

Cellphones are assholes.

Lisey’s Story (2006)

A writer’s widow fights her demons.

Blaze (2007)

A man and a baby go on wild adventures together.

Duma Key (2008)

A writer painter fights depression.

Ur (2009)

*you’re

Throttle (2009)

Truck drivers are assholes.

Under the Dome (2009)

After Homer accidentally pollutes the town's water supply, Springfield is encased in a gigantic dome by the EPA.

Blockade Billy (2010)

Baseball players are assholes.

Mile 81 (2011)

Christine 3

11/22/63 (2011)

A man travels through time and punches Lee Harvey Oswald in the face.

The Dark Tower: The Wind Through the Keyhole (2012)

Clint Eastwood tells a story.

Joyland (2013)

The story of a young boy with psychic abilities, a concept never before included in any other King novel.

Doctor Sleep (2013)

A writer’s son fights alcoholism.

Mr. Mercedes (2014)

An ex-cop comes out of retirement to hunt a crazy killer while declaring he is, in fact, getting too old for this shit.

Revival (2014)

The story of a preacher who challenges God to a duel.

Finders Keepers (2015)

Christine 4

And now, to close this column, I'll attempt to do the same for my own novel, which was just released earlier this week:

The Mind is a Razorblade (2014)

The story of a man who kills anybody who attempts to steal his funny bunny slippers, written by the sexiest, smartest author in the universe.