What started as a joke just got really…really real. As other candidates continue to confront the more trivial problems plaguing our nation like rampant racism, gender inequality and the looming possibility of a third world war, Trump has gone head first into the poignant issues that really matter. “Every drinking fountain in America…will flow red with the tasty artificially flavored nectar known as Hawaiian Punch” yelled Trump over a mouthful of Werther’s and an episode of People’s Court. “Every other cowardly, wimpy politician refuses to address an issue that has been the root of so many other problems for 100’s of years, people need Hawaiian Punch!” he belched.

That’s not all though, knowing that American voters may be too smart to fall for something as lucrative as free Hawaiian Punch, he’s also promised unlimited recess and no homework ever. “Being President is all about making promises that you can actually keep, and I have every intention of keeping these…TRUMP RULES CLINTON DROOLS! SKATE OR DIE! BE A SMARTIE AND VOTE FOR TRUMP!” he screamed, wildly hurling packets of Smarties and two dollar bills into the stagnant crowd, before promptly splitting his pants.

The strategy is timeless and poised to heavily sway an American public that is more than willing to do anything for a free pack of Smarties and unlimited playtime. Experts have agreed that Trump may have the election all but locked up with this recent tactic. A tactic that has seen stunning success, especially in the highly competitive middle school election forum. Only a seasoned veteran would think to employ the same strategy used by little Tommy Garretson to win the school Treasurer position at Perley Elementary in South Bend Indiana. Sheer genius.

We can all look forward to living in a country being run by someone who wants to move the White House to Boca Raton and borrowed his campaign strategy from a 6th grade school treasurer known adoringly as little Tommy Garretson.