INDIANAPOLIS—Calling it a necessary step in lieu of state legislation challenging student athletes’ unpaid status, the NCAA announced a new rule Thursday forcing athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them from profiting off their likenesses. “We take the amateur nature of our student athletes very seriously, which is why, to thwart any chance that they may profit or receive monetary compensation for their appearance in any way, we’re requiring complete reconstructive facial surgery to remove any and all defining features,” said NCAA spokesman Thomas Collins, noting that their new faceless, indistinguishable bodies will make it impossible for athletes to claim their image is being exploited or monetized. “This is a simple, logical step to protect the integrity of the NCAA. If the game is broadcast on TV, collegiate players should not be able to profit off their position. Additionally, we are going to be removing players’ names and instead referring to them as their team and numbers, so it’ll be Ducks 77 or Crimson Tide’s 13, which will remain their designation for all future correspondence and announcing during games.” At press time, Collins noted that to prevent any future monetization of their position, all student athletes would be euthanized upon graduating or leaving their school.

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