Article #33

What the F@*K?

(Or, Seriously, What the F@*k?)

Just in time for the scariest night of the year (yes, it’s Christmas eve – I swear those elves are getting closer!) comes something that I just knew I had to have the moment I set eyes upon it at a not too recent Comic Show. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present the single greatest bit of comic book publishing Marvel comics has ever done!

Yes, from April 1984 (and no, this is not an April Fool’s Joke) comes the first ever Generic Comic Book! Now I ask you, how could you peruse the local comics rack and pass up this gem? Doesn’t it just beg to be open and read? Well, no, it doesn’t, but that didn’t stop me!

Now you may be wondering, just who is this Superhero (or is that Super-Hero?). Well, according to the story, we don’t know. In fact, hardly anyone actually gets a name. But that’s okay, because what you will soon discover as you read this hefty tome, is that this guy is THE Super-Hero! That’s all anyone calls him, so that must be his name. Now whenever people talk about a Super-Heroes, you can tell them to take a hike because you know THE Super-Hero! Superman, Spider-Man, Batman and all the rest are just posers, this guy’s the real deal! Just whip out the above image and let them tremble at your greatness (or stuff you upside-down in a trashcan, whatever works better for you).

So, what possessed the Marvel brain trust to put out this, uhm, work of art? Let’s have a look at the small print shall we…

You know, I’m not the first (not by a long margin) to dig up this beast. There are varying opinions on the matter as to why this issue came into being, ranging from ‘in house’ joke at Marvel (a satire of how low cost, recycled comic stories were at the time), to a guide as to how to do comics the Marvel way. I don’t know, it seems ridiculous to me that a company would actually waste resources on such a thing. And if this was a guide, then I suppose it would explain that brush with bankruptcy Marvel had in the 1990s.

Best I can figure, this whole endeavor was about copyright. Look closely and you’ll note that Marvel has trademarked Super-Hero and Super-Villain, two fairly common lexicons of the comic book industry. Speaking of which, looking closely at the cover, you could argue that Comic Book has been trademarked as well as little white boxes (the horror!). Back before the information superhighway age, this was one way you could get the word out that Marvel and DC ruled the comic roost and small publishers should beware. And hey, it was probably cheaper than hiring a bunch of lawyers to scour the country for copyright infringement cases.

Okay, now I’m feeling paranoid. Let’s just carry on with this thrilling tale!

Insert one generic red head (just call her the clone of Mary Jane) girlfriend. Promptly have her depart. Add guilt.

Insert little brother in hospital. Add more guilt.

Next insert prompt withdrawal of funds. Add anger.

Add prolonged exposure to GLOW IN THE DARK SOUVENIERS! Okay, now this is just freaking ridiculous. I guess I could insert a joke about Made In China toy recalls hear, but let’s not and say I did.

For those of you who are actually reading this, please note that I’ve skipped a few pages here and there because, I’m sorry, I just can’t go through this thing again. Not without suffering massive psychology bills in the future. Trust me, you’re not missing anything. Okay, let’s continue (where’s my Jack Daniels?)…

His hair turned white. And he’s suddenly got a physique. That, children, is the very definition of FREAK!!! Thank God I’m just a normal fat ass, imagine the teasing I’d get if I actually was a muscular body builder with white hair.

Okay, those are two of the most oblivious parents I’ve ever seen. And hey, here’s some fun with small text. Doesn’t the kettle look like it has the word ASS written on the side. Also, the cereal is called COCO CRUD (our hero’s favorite apparently). A quick look at the ingredient label sees that 2 key components are zits and clams. Clams?

You know, let’s skip a few pages and see what our Super-Villain is up to (yes, that’s his name in this issue, Super-Villain)…

That is the creepiest costume fitter I’ve ever seen this side of Liberace. I’d be careful where he puts that tape measure Hero, if you catch my drift. And hey, doesn’t the villain look a lot like a certain Simmons?

No, that’s not right, I think it’s the other Simmons…

Yeah, there you go. Remarkable likeness isn’t it? It’s kind of funny, but the Super-Villain’s gimmick is that he’s able to use his hypnotic helmet to drain people of their confidence and strength of will, sort of like he’s the Anti-Richard Simmons. Maybe he’s the Richard Simmons of Counter-Earth?

Okay, let’s continue (damn it, where is that Jack Daniels?)…

So, after vanquishing a band of goons, our hero is beaten by a gimmick the Ringmaster made lame over 20 years ago. How will he recover? And hey, wouldn’t the goons, I don’t know, want revenge on the man in white for the beating he just handed to them or something? Isn’t that why they’re called thugs? Maybe they’re freaked out because it looked like Super-Villain’s fist went right through our Hero’s chest in the 3rd to last panel. I know that’d freak me out.

Just saying.

“This is a coincidence which practically defies belief!” Heh.

I’ve just got 3 questions: How come Spider-Man never wears a football helmet? And where can I find a Skin Jobs jacket cheap?

And why does our Hero’s all white hair suddenly have streaks of black during the subway ride and helmet spraying?

One conveniently short fight later…

A walkman. The poor, misguided Super-Villain fool thought his weapon was perfect, only to be outdone by Sony’s trademarked device. Wait a second, when our Hero removes Villain’s helmet we note that Villain is wearing a mask underneath (how freaking redundant is that?) and that our red-headed nemesis has switched places with a lacky! How else do you explain the change from fiery red-head to ho-hum brown? The colorist screwed up? You would blame the colorist you heartless… ahem… okay, sorry, got carried away there.

I wonder if our Counter-Richard Simmons took the place of the real Richard Simmons after this humbling defeat in 1984? Any of Richard’s close friends note a change in his character around this time?

Yay, it’s over! Hallelujah!!!

You know what the scariest part of all is? Marvel actually featured this book on their hype list in April 1984. Yeah, if this horrible thing was a joke, it certainly was on us and the poor retailers stuck with this turd. Heck, it was so bad that there’s no mention of a writer, penciler, inker, or any credits at all….

Maybe elves aren’t so bad after all. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Make sure you share the Coco Crud with that special someone this festive season!

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