"Tuesdays With Morrie doesn't actually like to read."

"Best friends with his mom."

"Thinks it says something about his emotional depth, which he does not have."

"Knew somebody distantly who died once and now he really understands ~mortality~."

"Thinks that all ladies like Oprah."

"Fight Club just, like, really understands the struggle, man."

"Douche fucking alert."

"Hasn't actually read the book but believes he can pass it off like he has because of the movie."

"Edward Norton's depression without Brad Pitt's abs."

"Bedside anarchist."

"So over consumerism, so over society, so over being an actual pleasant human being."

"Is a mansplainer."

"Tao Te Ching was a business major in college."

"Also doesn't actually read."

"But at least he tried?"

"Has used the word 'Oriental' or phrase 'East-meets-West' in actual unironic conversation."

"Was one of those guys who wore suits to class presentations."

"Has a tattoo of a Japanese character, thinks it says 'freedom,' actually says 'soap.'"

"On the Road has never actually done drugs."

"I actually think there is something kind of cute and earnest about liking this book."

"But in sort of a puppy-dog way."

"Constantly misses the point. Probably lives in Colorado."

"Drunk."

"Is more likely to puke in your bed than impress you in bed."

"This guy doesn't understand why Into the Wild is a horror story."