[A jaunty but vaguely ominous tune plays.]

Melody: Good morning employees of IFM2 Subspace Radio! As always this is Melody, your friendly AI speaking. It is now 0700 hours on Monday, which indicates that it’s time for the weekly mental transmission of office news and events. Please cease difficult activity for the duration of the transmission. If you’re not sure what constitutes difficult activity, I would say somewhere between buttering toast and buttering a live cat. If you are driving or operating machinery, please stop doing that. We are a radio station. Why are you driving or operating machinery here? That does not make sense.

This week we are fundraising for the [Deep robotic filter] BROODLINGS WITHOUT UFOS [/filter] campaign. You can find donation boxes throughout the station that will collect any spare change, clothes, batteries or leftover emotions that you no longer need. We’ll also be having a [Deep robotic filter] BAKE SALE [/filter] on Friday! As a real treat, Truffian in Marketing has promised to bring their authentic Porgaborbs and Realatalllll to sell. Please note: Porgaborbs and Realatalllll are fatal to some species. Always do your research before partaking in bake sale goods. For more information on [Deep robotic filter] BROODLINGS WITHOUT UFOS [/filter} or what you can do to help the fundraising campaign, contact Mx. Martin in Public Relations.

SIGN-UPS for the station picnic are now available on both community bulletin boards and your employee hypernet portal. This year, the station picnic will be held on the Third Great Moon of Pilnus II. Activities will include laser tag, capture the flag, and capture the laser, as well as our annual MUSHROOM PIT bonfire. Please indicate on the sign-up form if you will be taking the station shuttles over to the Third Great Moon of Pilnus II. Don’t go to Pilnus I: you’ll die. The station shuttles will be free. Oxygen-dependent beings should also indicate if they will require a breathing apparatus. Please do so in a timely manner, or, again, you’ll die.

In other news, we are still hiring interns for the [Deep robotic filter] ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT [/filter] to replace the interns that left after [quietly] ……. the incident. We are accepting both primary school and secondary school students, as long as those students have strong constitutions and[Deep robotic filter] almost no sense of smell.[/filter] Students who do have a sense of smell are signing up at their own risk. Anyhow! This is a great position for any young sapient being that’s interested in careers in entertainment or journalism. Interns will also have a chance to interact with [dolphin noise] who, as we all know, is a venerated institution not only at our station but many others.

We also promise that Ms. Clarke is still banned from interacting with all non-salaried staff for the time being. Please note that attempting to forgo a salary for the explicit and only purpose of avoiding interactions with Ms. Clarke is unfortunately still against union regulations. We apologize for this inconvenience. If she does interact with you, please report all incidents as soon as possible to Mr. Xorfus or me, your ever reliable AI. Interested parties may forward resumes directly to Mr. Xorfus. Again, do not be deterred by Ms. Clarke. She is, once more, no longer allowed to interact with interns or any non-salaried staff until….. the incident has been fully investigated. This is definitely a Safe and Fuuuun position for your children, niblings, local disinterested teens, etcetera, etcetera. We would not lie to you. Ha haa. We have never lied to you. [Strained, sadder robotic voice filter] We are a Respectable Radio Station that makes a variety of Family Friendly Entertainment. Winky face. [/filter]

Speaking of safety, Barbabrababs have been banned from the station after several complaints of severe reactions were reported. If you see any trays with free Barbabrabab samples or even any advertisements for Barbabrababs on the community bulletin boards, run. Run for your life. Run as fast as you possibly can and report them as soon as possible to Mr. Xorfus or me. Yes, we all know who is responsible. She is being dealt with.

Furthermore, on the subject of troubling advertisements: Management has asked that whoever keeps leaving pamphlets advertising “Eye waxing” to stop. The subliminal messaging is very poorly done, and multiple employees have reported migraines from the low frequency sound waves they all radiate. We will dispose of any pamphlets, fliers, and other related materials that are found on station property. If you want to insert your propaganda into station programming, please be an adult about it. Follow everyone else’s lead and do it normally as a function of your job. For most of you, life is too short for second-rate propaganda. Thank you.

In employee news, John Treswit in Scripted Content gave birth to healthy triplets last week. While human recovery time from pregnancy and early infant development is notoriously slow, John insists he will only be out on paternity leave for the next twelve months. [flat] Wow. What a hero. Please send him your well wishes. A virtual card is also now available for employees to sign on your employee portal.

Janey Plosnop of Accounting and their three partners tied the knot this weekend in a Romantic Commitment Ceremony. We are all very excited for Janey and their new spouses. A virtual card is also available for [the feed flickers and sounds farther away for a moment] employees who want to send Janey their congratulations. [/filter] Keep in mind, you don’t have sign both John and Janey’s cards, but people will notice.

Finally, we here at station management would like to thank Rex Rapplesnop in Sapient Relations for zir seventy years of service here at the station. Everyone here at the station has met Rex at some point or another. Ze has always been a source of wisdom and extremely specific station policies, like our employee reimbursements for cheese purchasing. We’ll be officially recognizing zir invaluable contributions to the station at an employee luncheon next Tuesday, where you can be assured there will be many beautiful cheese and cheese-adjacent products. Thank you so much, Rex.

This concludes the weekly mental transmission of office news and events here at IFM2 Subspace Radio! Please continue whatever difficult and likely butter-related activity you were doing before you heard the sound of my voice. Have a great week!

[Music fades out and then back in]

Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season 2 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This mini-episode features Chloe Cunha as the voice of Melody. There’s more information about us at www.stppodcast.com where you can find full transcripts of each episode and links to support us through PayPal or RadioPublic. You can also rate and review us on Apple Podcasts and tag us on social media. Our handle is stp_podcast. We’ll be back in two weeks with the first full length episode of season 2.



