BURLINGTON, VT—It was reported this afternoon that 75-year-old former presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders has just awoken from one of his regular 144-hour siestas and is not happy about the US election results.

According to sources close to Sanders, his yawns quickly turned to cries of outrage.

"What in the fuck happened?" Sanders roared. "Did someone go to the polls and say 'Macbeth'?"

Apparently after casting his vote early on election day, Sanders decided to get some rest, confident that there was no way Hillary Clinton could lose to Donald Trump.

"It was supposed to be a done deal!" Sanders bellows. "Seasoned politician versus not-a-politician. Potential-first-female-president versus potential-last-president-ever. When did this country abandon reason for madness?"

Several reporters then called Sanders on lifting that last line from the first Lord of the Rings movie.

"So, what if I did??" Sanders fired back. "Are the two situations so dissimilar? Does it not feel like our nation has just elected Sauron and we're now humans standing in the middle of an army of cleverly disguised orcs?"

Sanders believes it's only a matter of time before massive, widespread regret sets in for those who voted for Trump.

"They voted drunk and now they've woken up next to a man to whom they usually wouldn't give the time of day. Four years is a long time to be hungover."

Given the final results of the election, Bernie finds it especially ridiculous that his age was ever called into question.

"So, I sleep for a whole bunch of days at a time and occasionally forget what I went in the kitchen to do? Big whoop! Maybe I am too old, but you know what? If we're talking about being too something, Trump's list would be a lot longer than mine."

"Too inexperienced," he continues. "Too racist. Too misogynistic. Too sexual-assaulty. Oh, and TOO ORANGE."

Here's a flashback from the primaries:

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