This may come as a shock, considering my princely visage and chiseled physique that I’m sure shines through in my writing, but I know what it is like to be stuck in “the friend zone”: spending hours on the phone listening to your sobbing crush tell you all about her jerk boyfriend, only to hear her say, “Oh, if only more guys were like you; you’re just so sweet” before she hangs up to go have fantastic forgiveness sex; putting your arm awkwardly around a girl who you thought was your “date” at Dukes of Hazzard only to have her instantly remove it and smile meekly at you in the dark theater; not even receiving a freaking cheek kiss for the tacky charm bracelet you bought her as a birthday gift, even though you purchased the one with the little cats on it and little cats are her favorite thing. I’m well aware of the hopelessness and the feeling of how nothing, not even disembowelment with a dull spork or being force-fed Uh-Oh Oreos until you vomit, could every come close to hurting so much. Trust me, I’ve been there.

The harsh truth is, though, that “the friend zone” doesn’t exist. I don’t mean that in a Baudrillardian fashion where we live in a hyperreality inundated with simulacra, simulacrum, and embarrassingly pointless cultural theory. No, what I’m referring to is the absurd belief guys have that a sexless friendship is somehow undesirable, a sign of either their personal failure at being a manly man or of the manipulative nature of females. It doesn’t happen to “nice guys,” the ones who haven’t internalized the dating advice of Tucker Max; it doesn’t happen at all. See, when it comes to romance there is only acceptance and rejection. There is no in-between “friend-zone” space because—news flash!—being a friend isn’t a purgatorial punishment. In fact, being “merely” friends with someone of the opposite sex has numerous benefits and advantages, and it is time guys stopped complaining.

To begin with, the girl that is so inconsiderately refusing to show you her bOObz, even though you’ve been “sympathetic” and “kind” and a “good friend,” doesn’t owe you anything sexual. The most she owes you is her being a good friend to you, and your expectation that somehow sex should be involved is quite the imposition. You can’t force romance, and being friends with a girl shouldn’t be seen by you as having “settled” for something lesser but rather a sign that you’re mature enough to handle rejection without becoming a jackass. Having your romantic advances turned down or unacknowledged is not a condemnation of you as an individual. There are likely many personal reasons, even reasons you may never be privy to, why she doesn’t want to be the target for your insecurity-tipped, hormone-powered, erratic SCUD missile of a heart. It isn’t because you’re deficient as a person, though, because she still appreciates the friendship you two share. That’s a beautiful thing, not something to whine about. Friendships are wonderful, and it is a disservice to find them somehow insufficient.

Even more problematic than the feeling of being “punished” by remaining a girl’s close friend is the belief that such an act constitutes a cruel, calculated, and surreptitious “manipulation” on her part. Do some girls manipulate guys with promises of sex and romance? Yes. That does happen, and it sucks, and anyone trying to deny that has his or her head in the sand. However, projecting such a nasty trait onto all girls that “only” want to be friends with you is immature. It indicates a conspiracy-theory level of victimization paranoia, where all the logical, simple reasons why she doesn’t want to date you are thrown out in favor of a crazy web of lies and deceit. If she is truly as malicious and conniving as you say, she’d reject you both as a potential romantic partner and as a friend once she’d had “her fill” of you, in which case you’d know for certain she’s an insensitive and ruthless person. If she just doesn’t want to date you, though, chances are you’re the one making the situation more sinister than it actually is.

This all isn’t to say, however, that you don’t have any “right” to feel upset when events don’t go your way. Obviously, having non-reciprocated romantic feelings is tough on the ol’ heartstrings no matter the situation. Yet it is important to remember that there are far healthier outlets for dealing with that than to attack the girl you’re ostensibly still close friends with. I’ve used redwoods worth of paper for depressing free verse poetry. I’ve listened to God Loves Ugly so many times that I’ve grown to detest Atmosphere. I’ve cried and pouted and on one occasion tried to perform an exorcism on a stuffed animal. Those things are all lame, true, but over time (a longer time than I’m proud to admit) I’ve learned that they are far less lame than being mean to one of my friends.

Guys, don’t be ungrateful for having a close female pal. The perspective and advice you’ll receive about life is invaluable. You’ll gain insight that most dudes stupidly believe they’re getting from various “How to Make Hos Dig You” and “Ten Secret Things All Bitches Want” lists (pro tip: chances are no girl wants any of those ten things). You’ll be able to practice fostering a relationship built on emotional trust, empathy, and good conversation, and to deny the importance of that because it’s not a dating relationship is more than a tad selfish. The great thing is that in a few years (or maybe months or maybe even days), when you do have a crush that has similar romantic feelings towards you, you’ll be able to be a pretty phenomenal, caring, and impressive boyfriend. Trust me, that day will come, and your new girlfriend will be in awe that a great guy like you happened to be single.

Also, girls make the best wingmen imaginable (yes, I should probably use “wingperson” or “wingwomyn” or something, but I’m too tried to feign political correctness). Nobody has more insight about how to flirt with a girl than another girl. Trust me, all your little bros with their GQ-gleaned tips don’t know anything. Think about it: approaching a group of girls with your drunk and bearded buddies backing you up is going to come across as aggressive, creepy, intimidating, and like you’re proposing a Bacchanalian sex party. Having a girl aid your flirtation by vouching for you is such an improvement. Really, if you’re super into the whole dating/bar scene and don’t have a female friend to act as a wingman, you’re at a disadvantage like a baseball team without a southpaw in the starting rotation.

In the end, it is okay to feel sad or frustrated that your friend-crush doesn’t like you back, but you have to be strong and mature enough to look at the situation from a glass-half-full perspective. Also, if you want a girl to like you, you should probably take her to better movies than Dukes of Hazzard and refrain from buying her gaudy K-Mart bracelets you bought during a Blue Light Special. Those may be good starting points.