I haven’t seen Game of Thrones and I haven’t read any of George R.R. Martin’s books. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy my horrific attempts to explain the show…solely based on what I’ve seen on Tumblr.

Game of Thrones is on my to-watch list, but considering my to-watch list is already approximately 47 miles long, it might take me a while to get around to it. Still, I’d love to watch it some day, if only to see how embarrassingly wrong I was about the plot and characters.

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Note: There might be spoilers here. I honestly don’t know who half these people are, so…tread carefully.

What do I think the show is about?

It’s pretty basic, really. There’s this super uncomfortable chair that everyone wants to sit in called the Iron Throne. Wars are waged over it, brothers are killed, and friendships are destroyed.

It’s like the popular table in the middle school cafeteria.

The characters

There are a lot of characters in the show, and most of them I know nothing about. It’s not surprising considering I couldn’t spell their names if my life depended on it. I don’t even think they could spell their names if their lives depended on it. Except Hodor. I think he could spell his name. (Yes, that’s the only joke from Game of Thrones I actually get. Don’t get your hopes up. The rest of this article is going to be a bloodbath.)

John Snow

There’s this guy called John Snow. I think he’s the current king. Maybe he inherited it from his dad or something, I’m not sure. But he looks like king material. Just look at that face.

Is this John Snow? I just Googled “Game of Thrones Characters” and picked the most noble looking one.

Regardless, I don’t think anybody likes him. But if no one likes him, why don’t they just overthrow him? I’m sure there’s a good answer…right?

Peter Dinklage

I think everyone likes this guy. All I know is that the character is played by Peter Dinklage, who everyone likes in real life. Maybe he’s a crappy character, I don’t know. Since I don’t know his name, I’m just going to call him Petey.

Petey and John are brothers, I think. Maybe that’s why Petey won’t overthrow John even though no one likes him. But still. He should try to talk some sense into him.

Oh, snap! Yeah, I like this guy.

Lady D

Then there’s this girl. I know her name starts with ‘D,’ has lots of vowels, and there’s a ‘y.’ But don’t make me try to spell it, please.

From what I gather, she really likes dragons. Like, a lot. Is she in love with a dragon? Is that taboo? This airs on HBO, right? Maybe they’re allowed inter-species relationships.

Still, I think everyone likes Lady D too. She seems like a tough chick. She seems all, “Yeah! Women rule! Dragons, man! They’re awesome!” I think she would be my favorite character.

“Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.” – Lady D

Evil!Giles

Edit: When I went back to re-read this article, I have realized that Evil!Giles is from Merlin. But my ignorance is your entertainment, so against my better judgement, I’m leaving this in here.

Giles is in this show, but he’s evil. Maybe he’s harkoning back to his Ripper days, which is a shame. No one likes this guy. I think he was king once? He might be dead now. Are there ghosts in Game of Thrones? I think he might be a ghost.

(Do not deny me the simple pleasure of throwing in a GIF of David Tennant. Okay? Okay.)

The guy nobody likes

I have no idea what his name is, but no one likes him. He must be a prince or something, and probably everybody in the entire world doesn’t want to see him on the throne. Including his mother. (Is this his mother? I’m just guessing here.)

And everyone just keeps slapping him. All. The. Time.

I thought this show was supposed to be violent? Why doesn’t someone just kill him already? I don’t even know the kid and I already hate him.

The White Witch of Narnia

Or at least her semi-less-evil twin sister.

She seems cool and kind of badass. But I don’t trust her. Edmund trusted the White Witch and look where that got him.

Visit page 2 to see my breakdown of the Game of Thrones plot.