Since Christian Bale became the eye in Terrence Malick’s storm, Darren Aronofsky has been forced to move on to considering other actors to wrangle cubits and dung as Noah, and withstand a no doubt grueling shoot atop what will essentially be a giant tank of pink-eye. Michael Fassbender’s name was mentioned recently, but due to unspecified circumstances—either the dry fact that he’s not a big enough box-office draw yet, or a cheap joke about the animals being frightened by his penis—Aronofsky has now reportedly moved on to Russell Crowe, a man who’s also saved the world’s population several times over by charitably not smashing the heads of everyone who’s pissed him off. Deadline also broke the news that Aronofsky wants Liam Neeson for an unspecified role, and considering the lack of non-animal parts and Neeson’s particular niche, the smart money is on God, who took his revenge on the world by punching it in the face with a flood.


Of course, no sooner had Deadline published the news than Variety’s Jeff Sneider took to his Twitter account to mock it, saying, “Sure, Russell Crowe, MIGHT star in Aronofsky's NOAH… but do you know what else he MIGHT star in? Three words: Ro. Bo. Cop. #FloatThisBoat.” Though Sneider failed to launch a #FloatThisBoat trend (we’re not even sure what that would entail), Sneider did succeed in being the first to start in earnest the shortlist rumors for the RoboCop remake that’s gathering steam. And really, what's the difference? Just as Noah helped to pull the Earth out of the rising waters spurred by man's wickedness, so too did RoboCop rescue Detroit from a whirling cesspool of criminal activity. (Feel free to use this comparison in your exegeses, theology majors.) And coincidentally, RoboCop was a project that Aronofsky was seriously pursuing for a while there, and of course, God bade Noah to save two of every RoboCop, hence the remake. Wheels within wheels.