SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they don’t actually want to be an omniscient being. Indeed, there are only a select few who can handle the pressure of devoting one’s entire life, and the entirety of time’s existence, to being an all-powerful deity,” said lead researcher Gary Anderson, who noted several factors that contribute to students quitting the journey to Godhood, including cost-prohibitive internships, an inequitable gender breakdown, and the comparatively difficult job market for Supreme Beings. “In many cases, schools would try to entice students by claiming they’d be an all-knowing deity right after college, but graduates soon discover much harsher realities. Even those who do go on to be the ruler and commander of the heavens and earth typically spend a few millenium toiling in underpaid apprenticeship roles.” In a related report, researchers found only 20 percent of philosophy PhD candidates go onto to become Socrates.

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