Whorebreaker, by Blandon Slanderson

Why, thought Smasher, Does it always begin with me getting thrown into a brothel?

I don't know, said Nightblood, whose name need not be changed for the purposes of pornographic parody, Maybe it's because you're always asking burly whores to toss you into brothels? The long pink dildo hung in its sheath, vibrating with eagerness.

Shut up, Snatcher replied. His poon-sense was tingling; being in possession of more than five-hundred Breasts, Voucher had reached the Fifth Lengthening, and could sense nearby vaginas, in addition to being able to tumesce and ejaculate at will. There is an additional, exceedingly long list of powers afforded to those with the Fifth Lengthening, which will be available as a stand-alone novella downloadable only on the Apple Watch this Spring!

Suddenly, for no discernible reason, the two Idrian princesses entered the room and stole the narrative point of view.

Ostrich, god of Colors, thought Vulvenna, is that man wearing a revealing neckline?

It was true—the dirty, unshaven man had a V cut into the front his unfashionable shirt, exposing almost an inch of his hairy chest.

The sheer scandalousness of it all immediately killed Vulvenna, eliciting a cheer from every audience member who would rather read about the guy with a talking sword than five hundred pages of blushing princesses questioning their faith.

Squirty, on the other hand, was not so easily defeated.

"I," she declared happily, as if it weren't already clear to literally everyone, "Am utterly irrelevant."

"Agreed," said Vagger and Nightblood in unison, as they stabbed Squirty through the heart.