THE FLOP FOUR

The Fiver hasn’t had a wink of sleep, reader – and not for the usual reason involving our weird uncle inviting the degenerates back from the drinker for an impromptu Zumba session in the spare room at 1am. No, the Premier League crisis-club klaxon has been sounding loudly all weekend and we’re more frazzled than a corn-based snack we’re not sure even exists any more. With Tottenham having been ravaged by Bayern last week, Mauricio Pochettino’s side needed to soothe the wounds with a restorative trip to the seaside on Saturday. Instead, it was the worst trip to Brighton by a Londoner since Phil Daniels went looking for his idol Sting only to suffer the dream-crushing horror of finding him dressed as a strait-laced bellboy in the latter scenes of Quadrophenia.

A thorough pecking by the Seagulls leaves sorry Spurs marooned in mid-table behind West Ham, Burnley and sixth-placed Crystal Palace. “In the last five days we were really punched by football, 7-2 and 3-0. You don’t feel good in those moments,” shrugged Pochettino, who has had the look of a demoralised mod heading for the rocks on a stolen scooter himself for most of the season.

Another manager who appeared to be having a Fiver-style existential crisis at the weekend was Toffees boss Magic Marco. No club does full-on emergency in October quite like Everton and their 1-0 defeat at Burnley on Saturday saw the sorry Blues sink into the relegation zone. With his expensively-assembled team having shuffled off to the Turf Moor changing rooms quick-sharp to avoid a barracking by incensed travelling Evertonians at full-time, it was left to poor Marco to face them on his own. A vision of 2,300 V for victory signs greeted him. Was he worried about his losing streak? “Never, never, never!” roared Marco. “I never lose my desire, and I never lose what is important in my job.” If he still has a job after the international break, he might want to put that “important’ thing to better use against West Ham.

On Sunday, the klaxon blared louder still, with Manchester City’s 2-0 loss at home to Wolves meaning they’re only one bad result away from falling behind Arsenal in the league. Yes, Arsenal. Oh Pep! But trust Manchester United to hog the headlines again by suffering defeat at a club like no other – Newcastle United. With Bernard Cribbins having spent most of last week trying to avoid his players after the 5-0 defeat at Leicester, surely Newcastle were there for the taking? Nope, Manchester United were outthought and outfought by a side powered by the busiest Geordie duo since Ant and Dec. Matty and Sean Longstaff bossed the game, though who exactly was playing in Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s midfield is still a mystery given they spent most of the game hiding behind Scott McTominay. Next up for Manchester United are Liverpool, pretty much the only Premier League team that hasn’t had a crisis yet. But will Ole still be at the wheel?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It would be easy for me to blame the goalkeeper in the last however many games, I’m not that type of person, I’m not that type of coach. Today, I can’t defend him, it’s two goalkeeping errors, that’s the truth, we got beat 2-0 because of two goalkeeping errors, that are basics of the game … I’ve never seen two goals like that in my life. Simon goes away with the Croatian national team, it might do him the world of good to get a break from everybody” – Luton boss Graeme Jones isn’t the type of coach to give it out to Simon Sluga after the 2-0 defeat at Derby, including this belter.

🙈🙈🙈



Luton Town goalkeeper Simon Sluga completely missed a back pass to gift Derby a goal in their 2-0 win at Pride Park.



More: https://t.co/ULNCfjnmLf pic.twitter.com/rECuqRDL6F — Sky Sports Football (@SkyFootball) October 5, 2019

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FIVER LETTERS

“As a culturally deficient American, I could hardly understand any of Jesse Marsch’s half-time Anfield team talk (Friday’s Fiver) and was about to label him a treasonous globalist before he sprinkled in a few f-bombs and platitudes about trying harder. It may have been articulated in a few different languages, but the sentiment was very much American indeed. What an effing patriot!” – Jeff Thomas.

“OK yes, I did Google ‘totes stegosaurus’ to see if it’s a thing (Friday’s Fiver), and no, it isn’t. Damn you. Although I did find a natty line of stegosaurus totes” – Matt Hockey.

“After enduring Newcastle United v Manchester United on Sunday, my irritation levels only rose further after hearing Bernard Cribbins attain Alanis Morrisette levels of incomprehension of the English language with: ‘It’s quite ironic Matty Longstaff’s beat Manchester United in his first game, I’ve been trying for 20-odd years.’ As an acclaimed writer, Cribbins should know better” – Noble Francis.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Matt Hockey, who wins a copy of Numero 6. We’ve more to give away all week.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Dario Gradi has retired from working at Crewe Alexandra.

Aston Villa are “disgusted and appalled” by footage which appears to show fans chanting a racist song about two of their own players.

Big Phil Neville is feeling some heat after England Women’s latest setback, a 2-1 home doing by Brazil. “I think I’m being judged on it now,” he parped. “We have to win games. It’s not just a ‘let’s just keep everybody happy’ type role. The FA wants me to win matches, so I want to be judged like any other manager.”

Brazil squirming one through Mary Earps on Saturday. Photograph: George Ledger Frozen in Motion/Rex/Shutterstock

Everton midfielder Fabian Delph is out of the England squad after suffering hamstring-twang and will miss the Euro 2020 qualifier dates with the Czech Republic and Bulgaria. Meanwhile, the national police lead officer for football has revealed he urged Uefa not to stage Friday night’s game in Prague, amid fears the timing would increase the extent of drunken and antisocial behaviour. “I think it’s unfortunate because you can foresee the risk,” sighed Mark Roberts.

Hugo Lloris will spend at least two months engaged in small-talk with Spurs physios after suffering elbow-yikes at Brighton.

Chelsea forward Christian Pulisic just wants to play football. “I want to be starting every game,” yelped the USA! USA!! USA!!! international. “I’m working hard in training, I want to be there, I hope everyone can see that.”

And $tevie Mbe has wasted little time in dumping a big jug of cold water over excitable Pope’s Newc O’Rangers fans’ title talk, after their 5-0 win over Hamilton took them top. “It’s October and there’s no point worrying about where we stand in the league or getting carried away,” he tooted.

STILL WANT MORE?

Ole? Ed Woodward? Avi Glazer? Andy Tate? Jimmy Nesbitt? Who’s the biggest victim of Manchester United’s slide back to the dark, dark days of 1989? None of that lot, according to Jonathan Wilson.

What a business. Photograph: Jan Kruger/Getty Images

The Derby d’Italia, won 2-1 by Juventus, showed how both teams are already reflecting their new managers’ personalities, writes Nicky Bandini.

Andy Brassell on how a 2-1 home defeat to Hoffenheim soiled FC Hollywood’s visit to Oktoberfest.

Talking points from the Premier League weekend, 10 of them in fact.



Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! How well do you know your winning streaks?



“This is the worst period we’ve been in.” David Hytner braves the mixed zone to hear what the Tottenham players think about playing for a broken team.

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