On July 16th 2014 we were 40 men and 40 women who started the Vipassana meditation retreat, following the program which has been tested through many many generations. A program that includes total silence in the first nine days of the ten-day course, with the exception of brief talks with the teacher or assistant teachers if needed.

The daily schedule consists of around eight hours of meditation each day, of which three are adhitthana sittings: Sitting with strong determination without moving a muscle for one hour.

Day 5

The adhitthana sittings started on day 5, and during the first of these sittings, I had an experience as if I did not get enough oxygen. I was breathing faster and with greater intensity and although the feeling of suffocation intensified I decided to observe what this was about.

In the same moment as the decision was made, I recall making a moaning sound, with a ‘oh no do I really have to do this’-feeling connected to it. I blanked out and do not remember anything.

The next thing I recall is that one of the servers, Dan, was speaking to me, behind my right shoulder. He was repeating that I should open my eyes and come with him outside. At first I thought it might be something I hallucinated in my meditation: A kind of test to see if I would break the adhitthana sitting which I had a strong determinacy to sit through.

After hearing him repeat it a few times I realized that he was actually standing behind me. (Note: the assistants were not allowed to touch the participants). I opened my eyes and got on my feet, very dizzy, but with the help of Dan we walked outside. Sitting down and regaining my balance I explained to him what I could remember.

I was followed to my bed where I laid down to rest.

(Later, on the 10th day where the silence between the participators was broken, I learned that I had been breathing with a prolonged breath, audible to everyone in the silent meditation hall. The breathing had seemed somewhat intense and with a moaning-feeling to it. For maybe 2 or 3 minutes the server Dan had tried to speak to me while the teacher was gesticulating strongly to him to make me stop the breathing sound.)

A few hours later I was informed by one of the servers that the teacher would like to talk to me about what happened. The server guided me to the teacher’s room and I sat down at the appointed chair.

After I had told the teacher what I could remember from the experience, he inquired about the anxiety I had experienced some years earlier (and of which he was informed as every student were to fill out detailed information about any health issues in the past and present).

I explained that the experience of anxiety was for a short period nine years ago and that I had not had any similar experiences since then, and that this experience was different.

I was about to go on to share how it was different, but he interrupted me and said that I should not sit in the adhitthana from now on and then we would see. I had a feeling of disappointment as I would like to continue the adhitthana sittings, but on the other hand it might be too intense after what had just happened so I left the meeting without any objections to his decision.

On the next adhitthana sitting I started to meditate on my bed. After a few minutes the server Dan came and asked me if I were all right and I replied that I was fine. He wanted to know why I was not in the hall and I replied that the teacher had instructed that I should not be in the hall during the adhitthana sittings.

Dan was sure that he had meant that I should not sit in adhitthana, i.e. sitting with strong determination without moving, but that I should otherwise be in the hall. He asked me if I wanted to join the others and I was glad to participate in the hall again.

The following meditations on day 5 progressed without any problems and also on day 6.

Day 7

On the first adhitthana meditation on day 7 I notice that I could sense every part of my body, except for the area around the heart which seem ‘blank’.

I keep my attention on the chest area for a short while and soon feel that something very intense is coming: A feeling of immense pain/ sorrow, so I quickly try to divert my attention to another part of the body to stop this new trauma that was emerging.

But immediately my attention was zoomed back to the chest and I realized that this was beyond my conscious control and internally I called out for help as I felt that this was way beyond what I was able to cope with. I was breathing somewhat loudly and made a moaning sound and soon the server Dan came to me again and instructed me to open my eyes and follow him out of the hall. I opened my eyes and very dizzy I got on my feet and realized that I was not able to walk at all.

With an arm around Dan’s shoulder my legs more or less collapsed under me as we went outside to sit on the stairs. After a few minutes I was able to walk again and went to my bed to lie down.

At noon on day 7 I talked to the teacher again, and again he does not leave me any space to share what I experienced. In the short meeting he simply states that I should not meditate in the hall and that he was planning to take me off the course. End of meeting and no room for me to share my concerns about the possible dis-continuation of the course before the ten days were over.

In the evening I get a hold of Dan and share my concern about ending the course before the ten days were over. S. N. Goenka had repeatedly underlined the importance of completing the full ten days of the course in his evening lectures, as the meditation retreat were like a deep operation in the mind. I felt this very vividly in my system and leaving before the course was finished would be like leaving the operating table before the wound had been closed up. Dan agreed with me and said that we should arrange a meeting with the teacher immediately although it was late in the evening (around 9.30 pm).

Dan arranged the meeting and as we went up the stairs towards his room I told him that I would like him to participate in the meeting. He told me that it was not really his place to be, but that we could ask the teacher. We knocked on the door and the teacher opened. I asked him if it would be alright that Dan joined the meeting, and as I could feel his hesitation towards accepting this I added ‘because he saw what happened’. The teacher agreed and said it was ok, but as I was walking in he suddenly changed his mind and said ‘on second thought let us talk just the two of us for two minutes’, and he closed the door right in front of Dan and also closed the door to the office.

The meeting turned out to be longer than just two minutes and Dan was not invited to join. The teacher was doing the talking and my attempts to get a say was ignored as I received instructions of what were to happen: Another bed in another room would be prepared for me and he would arrange for the practical matters to be handled so I could leave and return home to Denmark as soon as possible.

At the end of the meeting I had to raise my voice to get a say, and said that I would later write down what happened, and share it as an open letter to the Vipassana community. His temper cooled down a little or at least his tone of voice was a bit friendlier as he said ‘yes, you are welcome to do that, you can share it with the central manager if you want to do that’ (during the meetings he repeatedly referred to the central manager who he apparently was in close contact with during this ‘incident’ as he called the deep experiences I was going through). He agreed that we slept on it and had a meeting the next morning at 7.15 am.

Day 8

The next morning at 7.15 (day 8) we had the meeting in his room and I did not even try to get a third party to participate in the meeting. In the short meeting he simply listed what were to happen: I would be appointed a new bed (which I later learned was right next to the room we were sitting in, in the house where he stayed), and I were to leave the next day at noon and until then do gardening or other appointed tasks. End of meeting. No questions.

A few hours later a server came to my bed and said he was instructed to help me move to the new room. I thanked him and said no thanks, and added that I was comfortable in the bed I had now.

He looked somewhat surprised at me, and added that he thought that the teacher would really like me to move to another bed.

‘I am sure he will, but I will not’ I replied.

‘All right’ the server replied, ‘we cannot force you’ and he left.

About half an hour later the server Dan came and said to me that I really had to move to another bed and otherwise do as the teacher had instructed.

I repeated my unwillingness to do so and asked him what he thought would happen if I did not comply?

He said that they might have to call the police, and added that I had to follow the teacher’s instructions. ‘It was for my own safety’ he added and again he asked me if I would move to another room, and I replied ‘no, I will not’. He left.

Shortly thereafter the teacher came to the room, followed by Dan.

They signaled to the other students in the five person room that they should leave and they closed the door behind them. We were alone in the room.

The teacher was very agitated; he said that he had been talking to … the name of the person he had talked to had slipped his mind …. ‘the central manager?’ I suggested, feeling surprisingly calm about the whole situation.

And yes, indeed it was the central manager he had been talking to, and he apparently agreed with the teacher that it was of the utmost importance that I, 1) moved to another room, 2) left at noon the following day.

I repeated I would not do that.

I agreed to follow them to the teacher’s residence to have a new meeting provided that Dan would also participate, to which the teacher agreed.

At the meeting I said that I found it highly risky and irresponsible to terminate the course, as the process was like an operation that would last for ten days. And therefor I would not leave before the program ended on the morning of day 11, where I would drive home with the two other participants that I arrived with.

He said something about his responsibility as a teacher and that I had to follow instructions, and I added that I had no trust in him what so ever as a teacher of Vipassana, but that I otherwise respected him as a human being no matter how much we otherwise disagreed about these matters.

Highly agitated he said that they would have to think about what to do, and the police was again brought up as someone they might have to call. End of meeting.

Later on the afternoon Dan comes to me and informs me that the teacher had changed his mind and that he would let me finish the course and that he would also grant me access to the meditation hall again. I were to meet him shortly after in a room in the main building.

In the room the teacher was sitting in lotus position on a white altar, and I was to sit on the floor on a pillow in front of the teacher.

Despite the strange setting for the meeting it was actually a quite healing experience. The teacher said that he had been afraid and did not know how to handle the incidents that happened to me in the meditation hall earlier. We agreed that I should participate in the remaining meditations but sit right next to the door and leave the hall after about half an hour or if I felt any discomfort.

Day 9

On the morning on day 9 I felt great but also extremely dizzy: Just getting up on my elbows in the bed caused my head and the room to spin and I had to fall back down in the bed again. Only very very slowly could I get up, once sitting or standing up the dizziness was gone but I had to move very slowly.

During the whole day, when changing from laying down to standing up or from laying down to standing up, I felt extremely dizzy. I was very glad that I did not sit in a train or a car on my way home to Denmark at that moment.

During the night I had a dream where I was moving towards a man which I knew I had to give a hug and express my gratitude towards, as I gave him the hug he said to me ‘do not even try to stand up brother… just be right here’ … and as he said the word ’here’ he pointed towards my heart and I felt an energy being released from the heart and I experienced my body collapsing in the bed with a feeling of being completely relaxed, like a sack of potatoes.

I laid there for some minutes without moving and enjoyed the healing energy in my body and my heart.

Day 10, no more dizziness and a lot of laughter and relief as the 80 participants now were allowed to break the noble silence kept in the previous nine days.

Morning of day 11 I met with the two other participants who I had agreed to share the ride back to Denmark, and I left the course center in Ödeshög/ Sweden feeling light hearted and already looking forward to the next retreat.

Reflections on what happened

The following is my personal reflections on what happened, and to which one may agree or disagree. In either case the scenario as described above, and which can be testified by those present, should have some consequences if the Vipassana organization is to keep its reliability. Two possible consequences is suggested below, one suggestion is a new approach towards handling traumas that arise among the students during meditation and another suggestion is how to re-organize the structure from a hierarchical structure with one dominant leader to a more group oriented form of leadership. … to be continued

More about Vipassana meditations: see e.g. this youtube where Yuval Noah Harari shares about it