FSU News

APRIL FOOLS

In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves across North Florida, the University of Florida and Florida State University announced today that the rival schools are merging into a single university.

FSU President John Thrasher and UF President Kent Fuchs released a joint statement on how they look forward to a bright future for higher education in Florida.

The exact date for the merger and the relocation are still unknown, but a source close to the situation tells the FSView “it should be take about 27 weeks and two days, but no longer than 4-8 months.”

The merger “will build on the two universities’ strengths while bringing peace and harmony from Pensacola to Key West,” the statement from the universities reads. The new university will be located in the city of Perry, Florida–a rough halfway point between Tallahassee and Gainesville, while the existing campuses will be converted into theme parks, the FSView has learned.

The merger is still in its early stages of planning and many things remain up in the air–most notably the new school’s name. The two leading candidates are FSUUF and UFFSU, but the debate is still raging. Sources tell the FSView that which university’s name comes first has become a significant point of contention in these talks. The same can be said for the name of the new school’s mascot. UF President Fuchs has proposed “Gator-Noles,” while President Thrasher has suggesting “Semi-Gators,” a named he deemed as “much better.”

Reactions from students have ranged from confusion to horror to apathy.

“I’ll never be a Gator,” an FSU freshman in his second semester said vehemently. “But maybe I’d be a Semi-Gator.”

“Does this mean I have to study twice as much or half as much?” an FSU sophomore and Editing, Writing and Media major said. “Wait, does this mean twice as many home football games too?”

Some students weren’t as thrilled.

“That ain’t gonna work,” FSU running back Dalvin Cook said flatly.

The town of Perry, whose current population (7,073) is estimated to increase by approximately 1,500% when both university’s students, faculty and staff eventually relocate to Taylor County. At the news that college students will overwhelmingly dominate the population of the small town, many FSU students perked up.

“I wonder if I could run for mayor,” one FSU Political Science major pondered.

The economic impact for Perry, a town whose biggest upcoming Facebook event is currently a baby shower, is incalculable. Sources tell the FSView local staples like Black Dog Café, Wells Brothers, Bullwinkle’s as well as the entirety of College Town are considering following FSU to Perry.

The cultural impact on the town, however, remains to be seen.

“We’re excited to welcome some of North Florida’s best and brightest to our beloved town,” a Perry native of 68 years says. “But we’re a bit apprehensive as to how we’ll all get along. We have a certain way a doing things in Taylor County that hasn’t changed in a long time.”

“I can’t wait,” says the owner of the Whisky Bent Saloon, Perry’s only bar.

Thrasher and Fuchs acknowledged the difficulties ahead in merging two long-time rivals, but said they look forward to a bright future for higher education in Florida.

“With all the divisiveness in the world today,” Thrasher said, “isn’t it great that two big rivals can set aside their differences and get along?”