



After several painful hours/minutes of extensive research via instant messaging and e-mail conversations (and Dilbert comic strips), I’ve finally gathered enough data to support my hypothesis: smart and funny women who share similar interests with you and happen to be moderately attractive simply do not exist.

Incidentally, this is an open love letter to all of the beautiful men who have refused to respond to both my ad on Craigslist and to my pokes on Facebook. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve been constantly updating my Twitter in an effort to gain your attention, but much to no avail.

Please don’t be frightened. You’ve made it apparent that the closest you’ve ever been to a woman has been streamed from Redtube — let me be the one to modify those settings. You have to understand: if you’re willing to open your heart, I’m willing to Ctrl + O my legs.jpg. All I really want to do is sit on your lap and watch YouTube videos all day.

But you don’t believe me.

Although I’m certainly far from being the hottest, funniest, smartest and similar interest-est female you’ll ever meet, my intentions are undoubtedly too good to be true. Online – I don’t exist, and IRL – you can’t get the balls to talk (back) to me. And this, gentlemen, is why I am on campaign mode this Valentine’s Day.