COLLEAGUE: Is Dan here?

SECOND COLLEAGUE: No, not yet. I bet he has no idea what the dial-in number is, or the PIN.

COLLEAGUE: He’s not very smart, is he?

SECOND COLLEAGUE: Certainly not. He doesn’t even know how to use his office phone. Have you ever seen him try to connect two calls? It’s embarrassing.

COLLEAGUE: When he gets here, he’ll probably have no idea what we’re talking about, but will never admit it.

SECOND COLLEAGUE: Let’s press the phone against our mouths so that it sounds all distorted on his end.

COLLEAGUE: Love that idea, and you know I’m being genuine because we’re in the same room and you can read my facial expressions and see me with your eyes.

SECOND COLLEAGUE: Agreed. It’s great that Dan is the only one not in this room with everyone else on the call. He’ll have no idea when to interject. He’s probably worried that he’ll cut someone off every time he talks.

COLLEAGUE: Well, he is a dumb idiot. Let’s make a rule that all of us are cordial and let whoever is speaking finish their thoughts.

SECOND COLLEAGUE: Great. And when Dan talks, cut him off and say that Kelly had one more thing to add.

KELLY: What if I don’t?

COLLEAGUE: No problem. Just loudly sigh and say, “It’s fine. You go ahead,” and he’ll feel guilty.

[BOSS ENTERS]

BOSS: Still waiting on Dan, I assume?

SECOND COLLEAGUE: Of course.

BOSS: Wherever he is, I bet he smells. Or at least is struggling to remember if he put on deodorant this morning.

COLLEAGUE: I bet he has major insecurities.

BOSS: Let’s list them.

COLLEAGUE: I bet he justifies not reading books by telling himself that it’s O.K. because he reads a lot of magazine articles.

SECOND COLLEAGUE: I bet he constantly worries that he’s never really going to get to know his father on a more personal level.

KELLY: I find him physically unattractive, despite the weight that he’s lost and the new clothes that he’s bought.

BOSS: Great, great. Let’s bring in his mother.

[DAN’S MOTHER ENTERS]

DAN’S MOTHER: I’m very disappointed in him in a variety of ways that he is probably already aware of but is too much of a coward to fix.

[DAN’S MOTHER EXITS]

BOSS: Well, that confirmed everything that we all already knew. Let’s do this.

COLLEAGUE: Great. I plan to make lewd gestures at the phone when he’s speaking.

SECOND COLLEAGUE: Yeah, or we can all just leave the room while he’s talking.

BOSS: Love that idea. That’s promotion material right there.

[BOSS SHAKES HANDS WITH THE NEWLY PROMOTED COLLEAGUE AND TELLS HIM HOW PROUD OF HIM HE IS. THEY HAVE A GREAT MENTOR-MENTEE RELATIONSHIP THAT DAN WILL NEVER HAVE]

COLLEAGUE: Oh, one more thing: Dan’s dog is here. Let’s all pet her and win her loyalty.

BOSS: Perfect. Everyone ready? Let’s conference Dan in and get this thing going.

Photograph by Andreas Pollok/Getty.