Why do people have threesomes? The answers are not as simple as you might think Threesomes require a great deal of forethought and communication if they are to be a success

I’ve always thought of the threesome as the sexual equivalent of a kebab on the way home from the pub: it’s a fantastic idea at the time but can all to easily leave you feeling full of remorse and covered in grease. Not that I want to knock threesomes any more than I want to knock a good kebab, but both experiences require a great deal of forethought if they are to be a success – because when they go wrong, they go really wrong.

For many, threesomes are the ultimate sexual fantasy. A 2017 survey of 274 people aged between 18 to 25 published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour showed that 24 per cent of men and eight per cent of women have had a threesome, and 64 per cent of participants were interested in doing so.

In fact, ‘Threesome’ has consistently remained one of the most popular search terms on Pornhub. According to their ‘Year in Review’. ‘Threesome’ was the ninth most searched for term globally in 2019. Interestingly, women searched for threesomes on Pornhub far more than men did – 88 per cent more, in fact.

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Of course, right now, watching porn is as close as any of us should be to having a threesome. Until the coronavirus pandemic has abated and strict social distancing rules are relaxed, I’m afraid threesomes will just have to stay a fantasy for a while longer. Unless of course, you happen to live with two other lovers, are quarantined together, and can count an enthusiastic threeway as your government-mandated exercise.

Boundaries and consent

But what you don’t see in porn is what goes on behind the scenes. Porn is a fantasy – a carefully choreographed sexual ballet. You can no more learn about ‘real’ sex from watching porn than you can learn about office Christmas parties from watching Die Hard. Even the actors in these scenes aren’t really having sex like that. You don’t see the edits, the retakes, or the camera crew stood about, eating sandwiches.

In ethically produced porn, the actors have clearly defined boundaries in place, contractually mandated terms and conditions, and know exactly how a scene is going to go. They can also shout ‘CUT’ at any point to halt proceedings, and let’s not forget – they do this for a living. You don’t see any of this in the finished production, that’s the fantasy. Porn might not be able to teach us what a sexual experience will actually be like, but when it comes to consent and boundaries, we should all be trying to fuck like a porn star.

And when it comes to threesomes, the devil is in the detail. If you focus on the fantasy and not the reality, your threesome will end up more Walter Mitty than Sex in the City. The first thing you should ask yourself is why do you want to have a threesome? The answer to this might seem obvious – BECAUSE IT’S A THREESOME, KATE! But unless you actually know why you want to experience this, you won’t get what you want. If the goal is just to be able to say you’ve had one, you’re going into battle unarmed.

The leading academic authority on threesomes is sociologist Dr Ryan Scoats, who quite literally wrote the book on the subject in 2019. Scoats draws on 50 interviews and dives into over 200 qualitative surveys and 30 years of research in order to answer the question, ‘why do people have threesomes?’ And the answers are not as simple as you might think.

Motivations varied from ticking something off the sex bucket list, to settling a sexual ‘debt’ with a partner, and sexual altruism, where one half of a couple agreed to a threesome to make their partner happy. Scoats also found that men are often motivated to have a threesome just to say they have had one, while women are primarily motivated by a wish to explore their sexuality. Significantly, he also found that men are more likely to be disappointed with the experience than women. Ultimately, it’s far easier to imagine the sex bit than it is to predict how it will make you feel – and you will feel a lot of things. This is especially true for couples.

‘It can be quite a volatile space’

Someone who has seen his fair share of couples dipping their toes in the threesome quagmire is Drew Lawson, who co-founded Vermillion with Emerald May, a sex-positive Facebook community that hosts parties. “Bad experiences tend to come from bad communication. For couples, this usually happens when one member of the couple has a stronger sexual connection to another person, which can be very triggering. I’ve been the guest at a number of threesomes and one in particular that stands out was with a couple where the women made a throwaway comment that her husband should just ‘go for a McDonalds’, while I was massaging her. She thought it was a joke, but he reacted really badly and just sat there getting angrier and angrier. The atmosphere was getting worse and worse, so I stopped and asked him what had happened. I’d barely noticed the joke, but it had made him feel really invalidated and unwelcome. That’s all it takes – one misunderstood comment or look. With couples, it can be quite a volatile space. It doesn’t take much for someone to get upset.”

‘I knew my ex was bi, but I sort of thought she would be there just for me. That sounds awful, doesn’t it?’

This certainly rings true for Robert* who had his first threesome with his girlfriend and an ex when he was at university. “It wasn’t a disaster,” he told me. “But it wasn’t what I thought it would be. Looking back, yeah, I just wanted to do it for bragging rights. But there was a whole load of emotional mess that came along with it. I thought that the jealousy would come from my then girlfriend, but it was actually me who got all freaked out! I found seeing her with someone else really difficult. My girlfriend was so into it and I felt kind of side-lined. I knew my ex was bi, but I sort of thought she would be there just for me. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? The whole thing had been my idea so I didn’t think I could say I wasn’t enjoying it.”

Robert is no longer with his university girlfriend, but he has explored threesomes with his wife *Rebecca and is happy to report that this has been a much better experience. “It’s all about communication,” he told me. “I didn’t know that when I was 21 and trying to be the big man on campus. We like to go to private parties and check in with each other regularly throughout the night. It can still be difficult though. I think that’s the problem – you don’t know what is going to upset you until it’s happening.” His wife Rebecca agrees. “It’s not about pretending you’re not jealous. It’s about saying if you are and working with that. The first time I saw Robert with another woman was actually really hot. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. But that doesn’t mean sometimes things don’t upset me. We’ve learned it’s far better to say what’s wrong than keep going and not enjoy it.”

‘Unicorn hunting is a thing’

In swinger circles, a single, bi-sexual woman who is up for a threesome is known as a ‘unicorn’. Being the guest of honour at a ménage à trois can certainly be a lot of fun, but even this isn’t without its pitfalls. Scoats’ research found that some bisexual women reported actively avoiding threesomes with heterosexual couples because they resented being there just to fulfil a fantasy.

Imogen* is one such ‘unicorn’. “Oh, unicorn hunting is definitely a thing. Everyone is looking for that one perfect woman who they both fancy who is going is spice up their sex life. It creates a lot of pressure to please everyone and you can end up feeling like a novelty instead of a person in your own right.

“The best threesome I ever had was with a guy I was casually seeing and another woman he had a thing with, who was moving back to France in a week. He asked if I’d be up for it and I said yes. We arranged to meet for some drinks and just see what happened. I think it worked so well because there was no pressure at all. I wasn’t a fantasy for them. They weren’t in a serious relationship and neither was I. It was just three people who really fancied each other.”

I asked Imogen if she had had any threesome disasters. “Oh yes! Bizarrely, the worst one I had was after a threesomes workshop at a festival. I was with this guy who had never done anything like this before and he was just like Bambi on ice. I felt really protective towards him – not sexy.”

‘You need to be able to say time out’

As well as hosting parties, Drew also runs Vermilion workshops for people wishing to explore their kinkier side. I asked him what advice he had for anyone wanting to find a three-way. “Group sex can be amazing, but it goes wrong when people don’t have full communication, when they haven’t expressed their boundaries and reasons. Or when someone goes along with something they’re not happy with. You need to be able to say, ‘time out’.

“Often people don’t want to speak out because they don’t want to be the party pooper, but you don’t know how you are going to feel about it until you’re in it. You won’t know what it’s like to see your partner having a really intense moment with another person until it’s happening. And if you’re the unicorn, you can actually feel quite excluded emotionally and it’s ok to say this. It’s your threesome too. Basic agreements around inclusivity and consent are very important. In the moment, a threesome will amplify your insecurities, not cure them. If you’re jealous or insecure, this will come up during group sex.”

The word ‘communication’ came up again and again with everyone I spoke to for this article, and the research bears them out. In 2018, Ryan Scoats and Eric Anderson published an article in the journal Culture Health and Sexuality on jealousy and the importance of communication in mixed-gender threesomes. This research found that, “those in relationships often experience feelings of exclusion when engaging in threesomes,” and that “open communication is a method by which the negative effects may be mitigated”. They found that open and honest communication was just as important to those who were not in relationships when it came to issues such as contraception and understanding all the dynamics in play.

So, it turns out a successful threesome is far less about sex than it is about talking. It’s about being really honest around what is going on for you. It’s less about bodies and more about boundaries and being inclusive. But, as Drew told me, “It’s also about having fun with it. Be playful as well as open and honest. Don’t take yourself too seriously, and if it does all go wrong – take stock, regroup, and work out what happened before trying anything again.”

But most importantly, do not attempt a threesome until we’re allowed to be within two metres of each other again – because that really will be a disaster.

*Names have been changed