LAS VEGAS (The Borowitz Report)—News that Karl Rove’s PAC, American Crossroads, has bought ads attacking Hillary Clinton has sent the Democrat’s stock soaring in Las Vegas, where oddsmakers now say she is virtually guaranteed to be the next President of the United States.

“People were bullish on Hillary before this,” said Tracy Klugian, a leading Las Vegas oddsmaker for over forty years. “But the Rove thing makes it a lock.”

After American Crossroads’s historic string of defeats in 2012, “Serious gamblers wait to see who Rove is supporting and then bet the house on the other side.”

The oddsmaker’s only concern, he added, was that Rove’s involvement in the race will dry up all interest in betting on Republican candidates for 2016: “Right now I’m offering Marco Rubio at ninety thousand to one and I ain’t getting a bite.”

While acknowledging that “there’s no sure thing” in the world of gambling, Mr. Klugian said that for professional gamblers, betting against Karl Rove is “as good as it gets.”

“He’s the LeBron James of losing,” he said.

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Photograph by Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty.