I’m sure you understand. I didn’t pay $500 million — of my own money, not that it matters — for what at the moment that I’m calling you has amounted to just 44 delegates. Forty-four! Do you know what that is, apiece? Yeah, well, it’s not nothing, that’s for sure. Well, I’m glad they feel valuable. That’s good. I understand that having fewer of them makes each one of them more precious, but the idea was to have more of them.

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I was told there would be a lane. Excuse me? A moderate lane. Yes, I was reliably informed that I would be able to take up this lane, the moderate lane — well if the lane system is, pardon my language, BS, then what am I doing here?

No, I’m not satisfied. Yes, I’ll hold.

Hi! I was not making any headway with that other person. I am just calling because — well, I paid over $500 million, and I think my voters may be duds.

No, I campaigned perfectly, but I am not seeing the hordes of voters I was promised. I have built a nice habitat for them, with all the things you said would be attractive to them: ads, T-shirts, buffet foods, the yard signs. The yard signs were not the problem. I have everything they said you should buy to attract voters and, ultimately, delegates. But they aren’t coming. I think mine are malfunctioning. Yes, I will hold.

Hi. Okay, I am looking at the fine print. Yes, okay, in the strictest technical sense, it is true that what I did today “has never been done before and nobody would have believed it possible.” I did not realize how ambiguous that phrasing was. Nobody would have believed it possible that you could spend so much for so little! That, frankly, is on me. But I think you owe me something. Delaware, maybe?

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Not to be rude, but do you know what else I could have done with this money? I could have affected so many down-ballot races. Think how many seats the Democrats could control if I had! Whole states, where they could control redistricting! But instead, I spent it on you, and you are telling me that this is the maximum number of voters I can get? I did not get my money’s worth, you can be sure! And I will tell anyone else who will listen, anyone who is even contemplating pouring their own money into a deep hole to elect themselves, instead of just stealthily depositing it into a large and ominous PAC in the time-honored way.

Yes, I’ll hold.

Hi, yes. Are you the manager? Great. I am calling about the Super Tuesday results. I hate to bother you, only, I figured, at this price level, you would want to know if one of your platinum members received such subpar service that they would not recommend this experience to anyone else.

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Okay, well. No? So, just to clarify, I won’t be receiving any more delegates? Then, frankly, I don’t have much of a use for these anymore and would like to return them for a full refund. Honestly, such a disapp — no refunds?

If this is the way you are going to treat people who want to buy your elections, soon you may have no one trying to purchase them at all.

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