THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers. “Aw, jeez, where are they? I need those things!” said the Lord, cursing Himself out for having been so careless with the velvet satchel containing the seven gemstones that endow Him with omniscience, immortality, control over weather, and a number of other divine abilities. “I’ve kept those damn crystals right by my side every day since I found them a few hundred millennia ago, and now I don’t know where in the hell they could be. I can’t perform a single miracle without them, much less rule over all the kingdoms of the Earth. Come on!” At press time, God reportedly appeared relieved upon realizing He had left them in the pocket of His other robe.

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