As freshmen walked onto UB’s campus for their orientation, they were greeted with the cold-hearted smiles of Orientation Aids, maliciously pretending to be “happy UB students.” Lured into a false sense of camaraderie, school spirit, and excitement, freshmen flushed with pride as they walked around their future school.

Meanwhile, UB upperclassmen set up camp around campus during the freshmen orientation to point and laugh at the wide-eyed innocent kids.

“These little shits are so naive,” said John Smith, senior business management major.

Smith and his friends walked through the Student Union in the guise of helpful Orientation Aids, as they said – between smirks and giggles – things like, “No, the winter’s not that bad. I barely ever need a jacket,” and “Oh you’ll be getting a refund check? Don’t worry; you’ll definitely get it within the first month.”

Between scratching his balls within his three-year-old UB sweatpants, playing “Who can Belch the Loudest” with his frat buddies, and pointing out which girl he’s going to bang at his Frat house come the Fall, Smith took the time to impart his sage “advice” onto freshmen.

They all seemed pleased with Smith, gazing in wonder at the upperclassman that selectively chose which frosh he wanted to impart his wise advice on. Incoming freshmen Ronald Hill was particularly inspired.

“He told me that all girls at UB love gingers,” Hill said as he smoothed down his tangled and frizzy mop of fire-red hair. “I’m set for next year. John said I can even come to all of his fraternity parties, free of charge!”

When asked about the freshman’s statement, Smith laughed and replied, “Oh that ginger douche? Like I’d let him into my kickass parties.” Smith returned to the Student Union, not before sharing a first-bump with his frat brother, and went back to tricking more unsuspecting kids.

As freshmen found friends amongst each other and sat down to eat the delicious food UB ordered out for them, Smith walked around dispensing more wisdom such as: the friends you’ll make at orientation will be your best friends forever, and, you better get used to all of this delicious food, because that’s what you’ll be eating for the next four years!

Orientation Aids also played a part in the trickery, telling stories of how great UB is and how wonderful the faculty and administration treat all of its students. “No, we’re not just number to here! Teachers and board members are really good listeners,” said one orientation aid when asked how best to deal with being in a large school. She went on to say that administration really takes time to get to know each of UB’s 30,000 students personally and that she even goes out to eat with her advisor to the best food joint on campus: the Goodyear Dining Hall. “Her nickname for me is 64157835!” The Aid exclaimed.

“I’m doing them a service, really.” Smith said after telling one girl that all UB men treat women with love and respect. “They’ll have the next month to think UB is awesome, until they actually start school and all their dreams are crushed.”