MOSCOW—after a mysterious absence of over a week, Russian President Vladimir Putin today reappeared in public. The Russian ruling class and public were relieved to see that he was in fine health, although a few observers did point out that he was now significantly taller, wrote with his left hand, and now seemed unable to speak fluently in his native tongue.

“My fellow Russians,” said Putin in Russian. “I am very much pleased to again be the presidenting of such a fanciful country. Many felines go with you.”

In a press conference with the president of Kazakhstan, Putin also switched to English, not a language he has traditionally spoken, to plug his new movie “Rock the Kasbah.” Said Putin, “it’s going to be epic.”

Putin’s absence from public view for eleven days created a number of rumors that he was unwell, or had been deposed in a coup. However, his reappearance immediately put those rumors to rest, despite the fact that he did not seem to recognize any of his long-time staff members, and also that he expressed in English the desire to “get my check and get out of here.”





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Putin reported feeling “great”﻿