Editor's note: Several weeks after Tina Muir wrote this story and stopped running, she announced that she was pregnant. In January 2018, Muir welcomed her daughter, Bailey Grace, into the world.

For the past nine years, going to the doctors brought a sense of frustration, guilt, unease.

I'm a fit, seemingly healthy, 28-year-old woman. I didn't mind standing on the scale and I didn't mind them taking my blood pressure. I just hated when they would ask me about the one thing in the world that made me feel ashamed, every single time:



What was the date of your last period?



I don't know.



In reality, I do know, because it had been plaguing my mind since August 2009. That was the last time I had a forced period (through hormones). I had my last regular period in 2007.



As much as doctors told me it was fine, deep down I kept thinking, something is not right, this can’t be healthy.

You might be thinking: How is that even possible?



It's possible because my body perceived it was in too much of a threat to allow for a pregnancy to happen.

So it shut my reproductive system down, for nine years.

It's a strange evolutionary defense, but it makes sense. My body does not have the resources and energy to look after a baby, it is far too busy repairing the damage from training as a professional runner.

Doctors explained that my body is living in fear, thinking I am being chased by an animal so scary, that I had to run almost 100 miles to stay alive.

As an elite runner, it was always just brushed off, part of the job. If you want to reach the very top level, where you get the opportunity to represent your country in a World Championship, you have to make some sacrifices.

In the words of Eminem, maybe this was my one shot, do not miss your chance.

Why would I want a baby slowing me down anyway? That would stop me from reaching the next level, force me to take a break before I could try again.

RELATED: Menstrual Cycle and Athletic Performance

Now, you might think, not having a menstrual cycle sounds great! No cramping, no embarrassing mishaps, no PMS. On the surface, it does sound ideal, but it doesn't hide the fact that you feel broken, that you are putting your body through so much trauma, it does not feel it can function correctly.

I pride myself on being an honest, real, and open person. But this condition made me feel like a failure, and I was so terrified I would be accused of having an eating disorder, that I kept it quiet from almost everyone. My family, a few friends, and my husband were the only ones who really knew just how long it had been.



Doctor after doctor brushed it under the carpet, telling me that everything was fine, it was “just the running.” So all I needed to do was stop running.



Yeah, just like that.



I'm a runner representing Great Britain, sponsored by Saucony. How am I supposed to just give up running cold turkey?

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But after struggling with this for nine years. I did just that. I stopped running.



Five weeks ago, at the peak of my career, as I prepared to pace the 2:28 group at the London Marathon and race the Gold Coast Marathon in July, I decided it was time.



I’ve decided to go on a potentially permanent running hiatus to focus on my health, and get my cycle back.



But when I stopped running, I realized my heart wasn't in the sport anymore. And I realized that I could finally step away, and do something about it, be brave, and tell others in my situation that they were not alone.



I thought I was one of only a few, but it turns out, amenorrhea, and especially hypothalamic amenorrhea was a lot more common than I realized. Not just in elite runners, not just in high mileage runners, not even just in runners, but across the board.



Not eating enough was just one of the reasons why runners do not have their period, and I was about to embark on a journey to find out just how much damage I had done through my training over the years.

RELATED: I've Lost My Period. Do I Need to Gain Weight?



Just how long would it take to get it back, and how would my body change as I went from 90 miles to zero miles a week with weight gain as a strong recommendation by my endocrinologist?



Well, I am now five weeks into my time of no running, eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and no pressure of trying to eat fueling foods to allow my body to perform for my running career.

Since stopping running, and committing to going “all in”, I have allowed myself to eat everything and anything I wanted. Almost as many calories as I was eating during my high volumes of training, but loosening up the ropes to eat foods that are considered “bad” foods by most nutritionists.

I always prided myself on eating dessert every night, refusing to live a completely clean lifestyle, but for once in my life, at a time gaining weight has been suggested to speed up the process, why not make the most of it with all the cake, ice cream, and pizza my heart desires.



I am building a kangaroo pouch for my joey, a soft pillow for my future child, a five-star baby hotel, and willing to do whatever I need to, to give my body the best chance.

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I am not going to lie though, it has not all been pints of Ben and Jerry's and pancakes. As runners, we chisel our bodies down to be fit, strong, and fast, and watching my muscle fade away for fat to take it’s place has not been easy, it has been terrifying actually.I see a different person in the mirror right now, and although the person looking back at me looks full of life, bright, vibrant, healthy, it is hard not to envision yourself spiraling out of control, thinking that you will end up obese...and infertile.But I know I am doing what I can to reassure my body that I do have its best interest at heart, and it is not in any danger. If gaining a few pounds can do that, it is well worth the sacrifice to me. I have named my menstrual cycle, Penny, and right now, I am working on making Penny my friend again, showing her that I do care, and that she has nothing to be afraid of.

Last week, I put a photo on my Instagram, showing a comparison to the way my body looks right now, compared to what it looked like a year ago, at my leanest, a few days before I ran a 2:37 in the London Marathon. I was scared to put it up, but decided that it was time for me to be brave, and show others that there was nothing to be afraid of. These are just our shells, what really matters is what is inside.

I thought I would be attacked with nasty comments, but actually, the opposite happened. Hundreds of people commented on that photo, thankful that I had shown them it was okay to “let go”, that it is okay not to be perfect.



I may be losing my identity as a runner, but we will see where my next chapter takes me. No one can take away my 16-minute 5k or my 2:36 marathon. Those are mine forever. But maybe it is my turn to find out what else I am, who else I am, other than a runner.

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