Today, I had to fill in one of those forms…

The ones which claim to be asking sensible questions about yourself but, in fact, just want to find out if you are likely to buy life insurance or an expensive holiday at some beach resort where you may get shot or mutilated by some psychotic terrorist.

Here are variations on the answers.

I have given you more details:

At what age were you happiest?

18

At what age were you unhappiest?

18

How old does your brain feel?

26 – As far as I can remember, I always had a shit memory, so I have noticed little deterioration.

How old does your body feel?

A BUPA test showed I had the lungs of a 39-year old. Two years later, another BUPA test showed I had the lungs of a 40 year-old. The good news is that I am older than both of these. The bad news is that the 39 and 40 year-olds want heir lungs back.

What do you regret most in your life?

Failed relationships and sitting through a 1971 German documentary called Football As Never Before at the Edinburgh Film Festival.

What advice would you give your 20 year-old self?

Always assume everyone is Errol Flynn. His friend David Niven said: “You could always depend on Errol. He would always let you down.”