As Lord Neuberger delivered the supreme court judgment, the attorney general, Jeremy Wright, slowly shook his head. It must have been the Pavlovian response of a lawyer used to losing most of his cases, as Wright was the only person in court who appeared to be surprised by the verdict. There again, he had probably been the only person in court to have just received a text from the prime minister that said: “I gave you one job. ONE JOB.”

A few hours later, David Davis came to the Commons to explain why the government had never believed the “Enemies of the People” really were the “Enemies of the People” and had only challenged what the “Enemies of the People” had originally said to enable the rest of the country to understand why they weren’t the “Enemies of the People”. The alternative facts narrative is catching on in the UK. Michael Fallon on Monday, Davis on Tuesday and no doubt Theresa May on Wednesday.

Everything had gone exactly to plan, Davis insisted, his fists clenched tight, and the government had only tried to avoid letting parliament have a say in the triggering of article 50 in order to let the judiciary assert its independence. But now the judges had had their say, he was going to take back control by scribbling a few sentences on the back of an envelope to put before parliament. In the interests of national unity, the will of the 52% could not be denied.

“This has been a good day for democracy,” Keir Starmer, shadow Brexit minister, replied, “and the prime minister was wrong to sideline parliament.” May, sitting next to Davis, had the grace to squirm uncomfortably. Starmer expressed his surprise that the government thought it could pass off a speech about leaving the single market – made to a few ambassadors at Lancaster House – as proper parliamentary scrutiny and then say the whole supreme court appeal was a massive waste of time and money.

Davis adopted his best hurt face. The prime minister had never been trying to sideline democracy. Rather she had been trying to mainline it. Her only crime had been to carry out the will of the people by making sure that parliament was not given a chance to take back control of the process of taking back control of parliamentary democracy. He then paused, waiting for a response. None came. If he could get away with nonsense like that he could probably get away with anything.

Buoyed by this thought, he reiterated his position. Losing the appeal had been part of a cunning masterplan and the government could not be more pleased with the verdict. He had already said three times that the “Enemies of the People” were not really ‘ the “Enemies of the People” and he would continue to do so. The fact that the “Enemies of the People” had upheld the verdict of the “Junior Enemies of the People” only proved how right the government had been to appeal against the original decision because it provided clarity.

What Davis wouldn’t do, though, was give any kind of statement that might undermine the government’s negotiating position because that wouldn’t be in the national interest. As for what the national interest was, it would all become clear at the end of the Brexit negotiations as whatever the government managed to negotiate would turn out to be in the national interest. He really couldn’t be clearer than that. “I’ve already come to the house five times to make statements,” he moaned, “so you can’t accuse me of saying nothing.” No one had the heart to tell him that the reason he had needed to make a fifth statement was both because he’d said next to nothing nothing in the previous four and because the prime minister had picked an unnecessary fight with parliament and the judiciary.

“The split judgment shows the prime minister was right to appeal to the supreme court,” said a deranged Iain Duncan Smith, for whom an 8-3 defeat is a moral victory. It could have been worse. They could have lost 11-0. Goal difference is going to count for a lot in Brexit apparently.

Like everyone else, Davis wisely chose to ignore IDS but was then forced to listen to countless MPs from both sides of the house asking him to put a white paper before parliament. “No,” said Davis. He wasn’t going to provide that sort of detail as it would only give people a chance to table amendments. He hadn’t taken back control only to give it away again. Rather he was just going to do the bare minimum the “Enemies of the People” had required of the government. Not that they were “Enemies of the People” of course.