Initially, I was taken aback by the question, “what does it mean to be a good submissive?” It is a very subjective question and you will get a million different answers from Dominants and submissives alike. So, let me preface this article by saying there is no one way to be a “good” submissive. However, there are steps one can take to ensure the growth and quality of your identity and relationships.

Knowing yourself

One of the first, and most important, steps in being a good submissive is knowing yourself and personality. What are your kinks and fetishes? What are your limits? This is important to know before playing and interacting with Dominants/partners. You can better negotiate scenes and activities with a partner if you have an idea of what you want to explore and not explore.

Equally as important, what kind of submissive are you? Are you service oriented? An attention seeking brat? Knowing your personality and needs helps you find a partner who you best mesh with and can fulfill those needs. On a more serious note, discuss any health conditions or triggers that affect play with your partner.

Consent and Trust

A main priority of a submissive should be finding partners who care about consent and your safety. Being on the receiving end makes you vulnerable and we must always be able to trust that our partners will respect our boundaries. You want to find someone with whom you can discuss your preferences in a non-judgmental and accepting environment.

A lot of newbies will encounter D-types (Dominants, Masters, Mistresses, etc.) who will tell you that you have to do everything they say and you have no choice or say in the matter. That’s a bunch of bull. You set the rules or if you have that type of relationship with someone, you let them set the rules based on prior negotiation. Every Dom/domme is not in charge of you. You should play with someone who you are not afraid to say “no” to but love saying “yes” to.

Growth and Goals

After you figure out who you are as a submissive and find someone you can act out those fantasies you’ve had floating around in that subby head of yours, it’s time to put things into motion! Right? Not quite yet.

Along with consent, as a submissive you should discuss your goals with your partner. What are things you’d like to accomplish as a submissive? Do you want casual fun and exploration or are you looking for a long term partner to grow with on your journey as a submissive? All parties should be on the same page.

A part of becoming a good submissive is setting goals towards growth. You will find partners who will push you to grow – to challenge yourself – but it’s ultimately up to you to be the catalyst for your growth.

Some submissives may set unrealistic goals for themselves in hopes of impressing their partners and themselves but don’t be too hard on yourself. Growth is a process that does not happen overnight. You need to be patient with yourself. You are only human. Every submissive’s journey is unique and you should discover what paths you want to take.

Once you are more in touch with your submissive identity, you know who and what you want, it’s now time to go forth and prosper and be a good the best submissive you can be. Most of all, have fun, be safe, and be sexy.