I just want to start by saying that I am so happy and relieved that I have this blog to vent to. I have been about ready to explode with everything I am carrying around inside of me, the good and the bad. Its the worst feeling when I have so much to say, so much I am thinking, and yet NO time to process everything. So here I am, tonight, sitting down and processing and not holding anything back. This is my safe space, and it feels rejuvenating.

Well, after a very long journey for all of us, I am so absolutely thrilled to say that I am now 3 days past the Embryo Transfer!! I will have my first pregnancy test on December 27th! I figured I would share some details about the last 2 months, such as my medications, the transfer itself, and some of the emotional aspects.

Honestly, these last 2 months have been some of the hardest days of my life. We will start with the physical side: It started with needles in my stomach every night for 34 days-Though I am now done with Lupron as of 2 weeks ago- I went through a 1 month menopause at 23, dealing with hot flashes, migraines, and the most awful anxiety. Antibiotics that gave me heartburn from hell.Then I started the Estrogen shots twice a week- The only way I can describe how badly my breasts ache when I accidentally touch them, is by comparing them to how it must feel to be a man, getting kicked in the testicles. Holy cow, they are like painful balloons ready to burst. I then began the Progesterone shots every night. Honestly, other than the needles being really big and gross, this was mostly painless with minimal side effects. As of now I have tiny lumps under my skin all over the injection sites from the oil in the shots, and my lower back always hurts- like, it hurts to wear my panties, and any form of real pants, and I use a heating pad every few days to ease the soreness. 5 days before the transfer I began the Medrol aka the steroid, which had no effect on me at all- thank goodness. I am now only needing to do my nightly Progesterone, and Twice-Weekly Estrogen injections until I am 10-12 weeks pregnant. That seems like forever to me right now, but I’ve already made it this far, and Im getting more use to it every day. Obviously, this is my PERSONAL experience, so I cant speak for anyone else when I say that this whole medication process has been awful. But, im sure many other would agree with me, lol.

NOW FOR SOME POSITIVES!!!: Lupron made my skin PERFECT. Like, all of my redness, blotchy skin tone, and acne was GONE for an entire month. Im almost sad sometimes that I had to stop taking it, because within 4 days of being off of it, my skin was back to normal haha. Estrogen has made my boobs even bigger than they already were, which is more of a positive for my husband, not so much for me, BUT will be for me once I am allowed to HAVE SEX AGAIN! LOL My husband gives me my shots, and I truly feel like its been a bonding opportunity for us, and has made our marriage stronger. It takes a lot to trust someone with a needle that big, going in to your back… The progesterone has made me lose weight I think. From what I’ve read online about the hormone, some women lose weight, which is wonderful, because the Lupron turned me in to a water balloon. I had lost 7 pounds in 10 days last time I checked. Pretty awesome. I no longer have to take those antibiotics, so my heartburn is gone, and I can consume dairy when ever I please now! I honestly can not believe all my body has been through to have this baby. It shocks me every day. Bodies really are so amazing and resilient.

So, the night before the transfer, I went to Target with my husband and totally spoiled myself with things that I figured would help me relax. Bought some super comfy yoga pants, an aromatherapy candle, a green tea face mask, some p&b MMs, and a super awesome heating pad with essential oils in it! The only things I used were the heating pad, and the yoga pants. Haha. The Embryo Transfer was on Wednesday, December 18th. I woke up that morning, took a shower, put on my cozy clothes, ate two microwaved taquitos (dont judge me!) and started chugging water. My bladder had to be full for the procedure. When I arrived at the hospital, I was taken to the O.R, and laid down in a really quiet, nice room, where my husband and I joked around, and read magazines for an hour before the procedure. I was given a Valium, and told to just relax for a while. I got to Skype with the Intended Parents, and they were so amazingly excited I almost cried…but I couldnt because the Valium made me too calm. hahaha. As they wheeled me in to the transfer room, I remember not being afraid at all- just really excited and ready. I felt very confident and prepared to deal with the next life changing 20 minutes of my life. And thats all it took. 20 minutes, and they were done. I got to see the hatching embryo on a television screen above my head- and though it was just an amoeba looking thing, I found myself smiling incessantly while saying “Its adorable!” HAHA. I blame the Valium, but maybe it was just such an overwhelming connection. After the procedure, I was wheeled back to my room, where I laid for 45 minutes, just resting and reflecting. I was then wheeled out to my car in a wheel chair, it was pretty silly. I felt like how I felt when I was wheeled around right after I gave birth to Evelyn, actually. We drove to get some Gustavs, and then went home and I had to lay in bed for 2 days! This was so difficult for me. I could barely snuggle my baby girl, I couldnt clean, I couldnt help my good friend(who cared for my daughter) around the house… I just felt useless. But, I stayed there, and had some visitors, ate a lot of delicious food, and moved to the couch for a few hours to watch a movie with some friends. It was pretty awesome. Other than that, the next morning, my daughter crawled in bed with me, and fell right back to sleep with me, which was exactly what I needed that day. The perfect time spent together.

It was also a very emotional first night for me. I mostly kept it to myself, but I was feeling very overwhelmed and afraid. You never think about those things before, and it all just hit me at once. I started asking myself all kinds of crazy questions- “What if it fails?” “Will the parents blame me? ” And I am being 100% honest when I say that the pressure for this to be successful can be hard to swallow some times. I love these Parents so much already, and I just HAVE to help them, ya know? But, after that night, I told myself that the stress is worse for this little embryo than anything, so I have ejected those negative thoughts from my mind, and I am choosing to stay positive. I mean, how can I not with such wonderful people helping me through every day.

So, Here we are, almost 4 days post transfer. I feel totally awesome. Some slight cramping under my bellybutton, and I am totally starving, BUT I am not going to read in to anything at this point, because I will drive myself crazy. Like I said, the first pregnancy test is on the 27th, and I will FOR SURE update after that. Out of respect of the parents, I may not be able to share the results right away, but I will let people know eventually. 😀

My husband took some photos pre and post transfer, and I figured I’d share one!

This photo was taken right before we left the O.R. 😀

Well, Its been a hell of a journey thus far, and now we are at the most important part! I am so thrilled! Thanks for so much support and kindness. Its been rough, but I am stronger every day, and this experience has been more enriching than I ever thought it could be.

Talk soon,

M