CHICAGO—Still stunned by the fresh insight he had gleaned at the end of the group’s performance, local man Brett Weinberg told reporters Friday that he had gained a totally new disdain for electronic dance music duo The Chainsmokers after seeing them live. “Sure, I’ve heard a bunch of their songs before, but it wasn’t until I saw them do their thing up close and personal that I could really understand how much their music completely fucking blows,” said Weinberg, noting that taking in the band’s live show had given him an entirely new appreciation for The Chainsmokers lack of originality, recognizable harmonies, coherent lyrics, or even basic musical talent. “It was especially cool to get to be here to see Drew Taggert’s complete lack of stage presence. Man oh man, I thought he sucked on recordings, but it’s an entirely different experience seeing them perform ‘Closer’ in the flesh. It’s like there’s this whole other level of mediocrity I wasn’t even paying attention to before. They are so much shittier than I ever imagined.” Weinberg went on to voice a newfound understanding of the depths of the band’s abilities after they returned for an encore to debut a new half-assed song onstage.

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