…you know who you are, and you’re asking why you’re always stuck in the friend zone. Why can’t you get out? This letter is for you.

Hey guys,

First off, let me say that I know it sucks. I also know that a lot of you are genuinely great people. You’re funny, amusing, and caring. So why the friend zone? Why is it that the jerks get the girls? I’ll try to explain this the best I can, from my point of view. There may be some females who completely disagree with me, but judging by the kinds of books that are selling like crazy these days, I think there’s a huge population that feel the same way.

Let’s get straight to the point. A guy who is boyfriend material takes the lead and is assertive. We may share interests. You may make me laugh. You may be there with tissues when I’m down, no matter what crazy hour it is. For doing all that, I salute you and I respect you. But if you don’t man up and take on the world, I would never date you.

I know this is hard when your confidence levels aren’t high to begin with. But I don’t want a boyfriend who does nothing but go along with me. I don’t want a boyfriend who is only supportive. If I wanted a pet, I’d go get a dog. What I do want is someone I can trust to follow. I want to be led, and have my opinions respectfully taken into account when you decide where we are going.

When you leave the decisions to me, and never give me anything more than emotional support when troubles come, I can’t believe that if I’m ever incapacitated in some way—physically, emotionally, or even spiritually—you will leap into action and sort things out. You haven’t before, so why would I expect that to change? I don’t need you to always be right; simply decisive and sure enough to commit to a course of action and see it through.

I need to know that when there’s trouble, you will step in and take over when I can’t. I don’t need a shoulder to lean on while I work out what to do next and fix it all myself – that’s what friends are for. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you, I need someone who says confidently (and makes me believe it), “Don’t worry about it. I’ll fix it. Everything will be okay.”

I may or may not take you up on your offer, but the fact that you took the initiative gives me the reassurance that should I ever fall during this crazy journey that is life, you’ll protect me and carry me onward without even asking. And that is what I’m after in a man.

I will admit that some of us make mistakes and end up dating guys who take the assertiveness part much too far. Those are the jerks we come crying to you about, before we find another one. I’m sorry.

If you could face the world with the same confidence you have in whatever your area of interest or specialisation is—music, sports, games, movies, and so on—then I promise it will take you a long way toward escaping this dreaded friend zone. Be nice, but not too nice. Take a stand, boldly chart your course in life and face it head-on… then watch as we follow you.

With friendship,

A Female