These parkers are petty and proud of it.

It’s the epic battle of wills now known as “Team Black Car vs. Team Silver Car” — in which a pair of strong-willed drivers in Koreatown, California, faced off for nearly two long hours over a parking spot.

And thanks to citizen journalist Chicken Tikka Mariah, we can all take cringey pleasure in watching this exercise in passive-aggressive parallel parking.

Her eyewitness report (OK, it’s a sprawling Twitter thread) has gone viral with more than 16,000 retweets, over 41,000 likes — and, no joke, millions of video views.

It all starts at 6:20 p.m. Monday, when Mariah spots what appears to be a minor vehicular standoff. She doesn’t start documenting the “action” until 10 solid minutes later.

By 6:40 p.m., Black Car and Silver Car are still refusing to budge an inch. At least they turn their flashers on — but don’t mistake this as an act of courtesy, Mariah says. Because by 6:46 p.m., “petty level 6000 [is] unlocked.”

The awkward half-in, half-out parking job quickly results in what’s known in the automotive world as a “bottleneck” situation. It’s “dangerous,” Mariah reports.

As the digital dial nears the 7 o’clock hour, and with sundown a mere 30 minutes away, Mariah starts teasing the “halftime performance” of this newly designated sport. (Her rendition of Tom Petty‘s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” appears to have been scrubbed.)

Oh, and then a parking spot opens up across the street but neither car budges — “it seems like this is more about the principle,” Mariah said.

That’s when she makes it official: “Are you team Black Car or Silver Car,” she asks in her highly unscientific survey, which is followed by a musical interlude: “A Symphony of Angry Horns.”

As the one-hour mark approaches, Mariah decides to try on her Miss Marple hat.

“I would like to add that I have no clue how us 3 ended up here but it seems like black car drove past a spot and then did a fast stop and reverse and silver cars was like, ‘Absolutely the f–k not’ and did a classic box in,” Mariah surmises.

Then there is some movement — but it’s not what you think.

With White Car out of the way, this should all be over with, right? Surely they can both park now and go on their merry way, right?

Spoiler alert: NOPE!

They just sit there, leaving Mariah to ponder: “Are they afraid of each other or is it just awkward now?”

“If I’m being honest this is exactly what I wanted to happen,” Mariah admits. “I hope they both think this is funny. Silver car is clearly on their phone.”

After nearly 90 minutes, she starts getting a little antsy and appeals to us, the viewer, to help her out of this traffic jam. “Should I go talk to them? [Maybe] just a knock on the window to tell them I love their work?,” she asks her second poll of the evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! “SILVER takes the gold,” Mariah raves as she ups her cellphone video game with special effects.

But being a member of the digital generation, Mariah can’t let it go. So she composes a handwritten note, which she delivers under the windshield wiper of Silver Car.

“Your resilience is inspiring. Thank you for the hour and a half of entertainment. I’ll never forget you. I hope you and Black Car can be friends after this. Plz [sic] email me at: SilverCarvsBlackCar@gmail.com to tell your side of the story.”

Her ultimate goal? To “get Korean BBQ together.”

So far, Mariah’s outreach effort has only resulted in some very elaborate fan fiction (aka “impostors”).

Perhaps we can all view this as the modern cautionary tale it is. Next time you decide to take a hard stance over something absolutely meaningless — keep in mind that someone is probably documenting your idiocy.