May: Might Brad Guzan be celebrating scoring the goal that keeps Villa up in 2014? (Picture: Getty Images)

Aston Villa fans need not fret about what’s ahead in 2014.

I’m a bit of a time-traveller on the quiet and have returned from next December with a review of Villa’s year. It’ll all be fine…

January

Villa exit the FA Cup against Sheffield United when Brad Guzan breaks a finger and is replaced by Paul Lambert’s first January signing – a 13-year-old from Aston Manor Academy. He has to leave mid-match to start a paper round. ‘If they’re good enough, they’re old enough’, says Lambert. ‘We’ll go again.’

February

Back-to-back wins over West Ham and Cardiff lift the spirits but the mood is immediately dampened when medical tests on Gary Gardner reveal the midfielder is actually a figment of everyone’s imaginations.




March

Villa win 5-0 at Man City, with Jordan Bowery scoring a hat-tri…sorry, that’s too ridiculous, even for this. We beat Norwich, draw with Stoke, but lose to City, United and Chelsea. Nothing to see here.

April

Paul Lambert plays his 15th formation of the season, a 1-3-2-3-1-1 with sweeper, rush goalie and an extra player in the hope no-one notices – and the Scot is delighted with the 0-0 draw at Crystal Palace. After the 3-0 defeat to nine-man Swansea, a defiant Lambert screams: ‘We go again!’.

May

Villa avoid relegation in the last home game against Hull when Tom Huddlestone’s bald head dazzles keeper Allan MacGregor, who doesn’t notice Brad Guzan’s goal-kick go sailing past him. A prankster in the camp rips off all the badges from the Villa blazers and, as punishment, everyone is ordered to fit them back on. Lambert says: ‘We’ll sew again.’

June/July

The club reverts back to the bright away kit of the 2012-13 season, if only to bring back the chant that went with it. A delighted Lambert says: ‘We’ll glow again.’

October: Money’s too tight to mention at Villa Park… (Picture: Getty Images)

August

Villa begin the season with a 3-0 victory against West Brom and a 5-0 League Cup win over League One Birmingham. But attempts to cut the Villa Park grass to induce better passing football are foiled by a Miracle Gro spillage on the pitch. ‘We’ll mow again’, says Lambert.

September

After another disappointing transfer window, there’s chaos outside the Symphony Hall when Mick Hucknall is mistaken for Villa CEO Paul Faulkner. Once he’s cleaned the egg out of his hair, the singer files a complaint to police – and 30,000 suspects are interviewed.

October

The first Premier League blow football tournament is screened live on ITV4, before the rights are bought up by BT Sport at the quarter-final stage. Aston Villa lose in the first round but are reinstated after Chelsea’s £50m pipe is ruled ineligible. ‘We’ll blow again’, says Lambert.

November

Villa’s accounts are published and in spite of Randy Lerner’s austerity measures, Villa show a massive deficit due to hidden clauses in Nathan Baker’s contract which pay him £10,000 for every goal against that’s quite clearly his fault. ‘We owe again’, says a furious Lambert.

December

Locked into their very own Groundhog Day, Villa sit 14th at the end of the year, making fewer passes than a shy teenager at a school disco. The team coach breaks down during another miserable Christmas. As does the vehicle carrying the players. ‘We’ll tow again’, wails Lambert as the men in white coats finally arrive…

MORE: Is Paul Lambert’s unstinting belief a cause for optimism – or a mask hiding his own shortcomings?

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