Our favorite wacky Aunt that no one fucking invited to dinner but managed to show up anyway is back this wonderful Mother's Day to talk about how YOU DIDN'T GET BREAKFAST IN BED BECAUSE YOUR UTERUS IS STILL UNCHARTED BABY TERRAIN. We all know where this is going, so here are some of the more wonderful overbearing gems from her piece urgently entitled 'Have children while you still can':


Busy Miss Important can't take time away from her glamorous career to have a child? You know that you have a limited window of opportunity within which to procreate before your eggs will have past their expiration date. Smarten up, ladies!


Ladies it's time to stop playing Mary Tyler Moore and get real. Those eggs aren't going to fertilize themselves when you're ready and feel stable enough in your life to consider starting a family.

Babies aren't speed bumps on the highway to corporate superstardom, for most women they are their most joyous miracles.

Here's a tip: using 'babies' and 'speed bumps' in the same sentence will automatically derail the sentence and any point you hoped to make. LOL BABY SPEED BUMPS.

Freeze your eggs, you say? A surrogate? In-vitro fertilization? Adoption? Trying to have children other than the old-fashioned way is wildly expensive and usually fraught with disappointment. If you're going to attempt any of these extreme measures, you have to be very rich, very lucky, and very patient. Don't count on it.


Ladies beware: if you are going to wait to have kids, you're going to end up having to wait to have kids. Also, if you want to take the time to be financially stable enough to have kids, you're going to have to pay. Don't count on it. Lord forbid a parent should be a patient human being.

And, think about your grandchildren! You will want to be young enough to enjoy them, and around long enough for them to get to know you.


Women, it's never early enough to start pressuring your unborn, unconceived baby to start thinking about starting a family of its own. Because of this, every month I give my menstrual blood a lecture about how disappointed I am that I'm not yet a grandmother.

And when you have children, if you can stay home with them and share the wonders of their infancy, do so. Honestly, why did you have children to begin with?


Jesus Christ woman, what is wrong with you?! How dare you bring a child into this world without already having the $300,000 necessary to get its ass to 18? Did you even stop to think about what a disservice you're doing to your child by providing for it?!

Oof, Susan Patton never fails.

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