NEW YORK—Hoping to replicate the Bordeaux wine’s rich flavor profile, Paul Manafort reportedly attempted to create an approximation of a vintage Château Cheval Blanc Tuesday by using a toilet tank to ferment various liquids he had squirreled away inside his prison cell. “It definitely has that oakiness I’m going for, but it still tastes a little more acidic than the ’49,” said Manafort, who according to sources decanted the Robitussin–fruit cocktail blend into a plastic cup, took a sip, and smacked his lips, praising the beverage’s “fecal undertaste.” “I don’t know if it could quite hold its own against an early ’50s reserve, but it’s as close as I’m going to get to a drinkable vintage in here. I could probably charge three cartons of cigarettes for just one plastic baggie of this stuff. It would pair excellently with tonight’s Nutraloaf.” At press time, reports confirmed Manafort was in hysterics after accidentally flushing his creation.

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