It is Michael Gove's stated mission to make state schools more like private schools. This may not actually be for ideological reasons, but simply so that he can understand what people are talking about when they come and talk to him about state schools, and he doesn't have to go through all that "Sorry, what actually is year 10? My school finished in the upper sixth," business that plagues his waking hours.

If, as he suggested in a speech on Monday, he thinks that what state school students need is to learn Latin and Greek, then who are we to argue? And if, in order for this policy to work, pupils are going to have to be taught these languages by people who haven't actually learned them themselves, then that's all just part of the fun, isn't it? If, however, after a bit of a think, Gove decides that it is not possible to make these proposals work, then have no fear. Because these five Latin phrases are all you really need to get by in the modern world:

O tempora o mores

Translation: Oh what times, oh what customs.

A perfect way to despair about the absolutely deplorable state of the modern world. It may even be what Gove uttered when he first discovered (probably in the past fortnight or so) that Latin is not taught in all comprehensives.

Salve

Translation: Hello.

You should never overlook something just because it appears to be simple. Think about how many different ways you can use the word "Hello", just by changing your inflection. Being able to say "Hello" also means being able to say: "Ooh, it turns out that we do have milk in the fridge"; "Crikey! He/she looks a sort"; or "Is that a cat out there in the garden or are you a burglar? If you're the former, you may remain; if the latter, kindly leave." So now you can say all that in Latin, with a single word.

Et cetera

Translation: And the rest / And the others.

Particularly useful if you wish to know the literal meaning of certain Smiths lyrics.

Rem acu tetigisti

Translation: You have touched the thing with a fine point.

Colloquially this means: "You have hit the nail on the head." Thus if somebody says to you, "Do you know what your problem is? You talk in a needlessly pretentious fashion", you can reply with the words "Rem acu tetigisti".

Mea culpa

Translation: (US) My bad.

A delightful way of taking the blame for something. "Who wrote this?" you may well ask. "Mea culpa," I might well say.

The great thing about Latin, although this is also true of English, is that if you don't understand what on earth anybody is talking about, then you can just keep on nodding politely until the conversation ends.