The concept of female "virginity" has a complicated history, and has often been (incorrectly) linked to breaking the hymen. Bleeding after intercourse was thought to be proof of an unbroken hymen, and thus, proof that a woman had not had sex before. The reality, however, is that the state of your hymen has nothing to do with sexual activity. As for how to know if your hymen is broken, it's near impossible to see it for yourself. But let's back up and talk about what the hymen actually is.

The hymen is a small, ragged membrane just inside the opening to the vagina (review our vagina anatomy lesson here). All hymens are not created equal. So many things other than intercourse can wear the hymen away, including horseback riding, biking, gymnastics, using tampons, fingering, and masturbation, which basically leads to "breaking" the hymen without ever having sex. Some women are even born without hymens.

“Think of the hymen like tissue paper,” says Alexandra Eisler, a health and sex educator from Healthy Teen Network. “It can stretch or tear or easily rub away.”

Some people experience a few drops of blood the first time they have penetrative vaginal sex, but it doesn't happen to everyone because of the above-mentioned reasons. It also doesn’t take that much to fully open the hymen. According to Eisler, the hymen doesn't have a huge blood supply, so even if it is intact, you may not bleed much or at all.

“People make a big deal about whether you bleed the first time you have sex,'" Eisler says. "But the idea of ‘popping your cherry’ is not the momentous event that a lot of people think it is.”

So now that we've dispelled the myth that a broken hymen always bleeds during first-time sex, let's discuss other facts about the hymen and sexual activity.

1. Chances are, even if your hymen is intact, you won't be able to see it.

If you try to look for yours, it may be difficult to pinpoint. “If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you’d have a really hard time telling the difference, because it will be a fleshy colored membrane in a place where you have flaps and folds and hair,” Eisler says. If you do want to go exploring, though, it's located about about 1-2 centimeters inside your vaginal opening.

2. Even intact hymens may have openings within them.

It’s easy to imagine the hymen as a wall or a structure waiting to be broken, sort of like being the first one to cross the finish-line tape in a race. But — get ready for it — the hymen also has an opening in it, so that menstrual blood and other secretions can get out. Generally, that opening is crescent shaped, but it varies from woman to woman. Some have very small openings, and some even have multiple openings in the hymen. Two percent of all woman are born with a closed hymen, which is called “imperforate,” and that requires surgery to open up the hymen so period blood can flow through.

3. There is no way to prove “virginity.”

According to Eisler, virginity is a social construct, not a medical condition. “While there is no medical definition for virginity, it is an important concept to many people,” she says. “It's built by social norms and beliefs, even if it doesn't have a scientific basis.” So you likely have a definition about what virginity entails based on your friends, what your parents have taught you, and whether or not you have specific religious beliefs. To many, virginity means you haven’t yet had sex, though what is considered sex can vary from person to person. It should also be said that having sex doesn't change anything about you; it doesn't add or take away value, just as not having sex doesn't.

4. "Losing your virginity" does not necessarily mean penis meeting a vagina.

The concept of virginity has long been tied up with heteronormative ideas — when a penis enters your vagina, you’re no longer a virgin. There are some obvious problems with this definition. “It gets ridiculous when you think, okay, if someone is a lesbian, knows they’re a lesbian from day one, and has never had sex with a [person with a penis], are they going to be a virgin until the day they die?" Eisler says. "If someone only has anal sex but not vaginal sex, are they still a virgin? I’m really clear with folks, that when we say sex, we mean oral, anal, or vaginal sex.”

5. You don't have to prove your sexual history.

You should never feel you have to prove your status, and furthermore, it's not even possible to do so. We would argue that the best way to find out if someone has not yet had sex (if they really care to know) is simply to ask — and it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to discuss it at all!

6. You are in control of your sexual activity.

There are some major problems with the concept of "losing your virginity." The term implies that it isn’t in your control. If you lose your phone, is that a conscious decision? No! We need to change how we talk about the first time a person has sex. It shouldn’t be something that someone takes from you. “[I don’t like] this idea that young women should be passive receivers of sex and that young men are going to do something to them,” Eisler says. In too much of the world, women are still controlled in this way. “The most important thing is to keep yourself safe, and do something you feel good about,” Eisler recommends. “Take it slow and really know what’s comfortable for you and your body, what’s going on down there and relax about a lot of it.” And for sure, don’t worry about your hymen. Or lack thereof.

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