I was watching NFL Network Sunday morning and a commercial came on that made me double take:

That’s right, there’s a curved erection epidemic running rampant in America! This advertisement created more questions than answers. First, what are the scientific qualifications for a shaft to earn the ‘diseased’ label? Are we talking right angles or a bit more obtuse? Is there a special penis protractor to measure exact angles? And what’s the treatment plan for this condition? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. But I am curious, who was this Peyronie guy? Whoever he was, thanks to him, the family name will forever go down as the crooked erection guys. The point is, no matter how terrible your fantasy football team was this season, things could be worse. You could be watching targeted erectile deformity ads on Sunday mornings. Even if you just got done searching Amazon for a penis protractor, at least the curved dong disease wasn’t named after you. And there’s always next year for your fantasy team! So let’s all zip up our pants and shift our attention over to my early 2020 top 100 dynasty football PPR rankings which will be released into your veins–arm veins–via four-part slow drip:

Rank. Player | Position | Age on 9/1/2020 | Free Agency Year

1. Christian McCaffrey | RB | 24 | 2022

2. Michael Thomas | WR | 27 | 2025

3. Saquon Barkley | RB | 23 | 2023

4. DeAndre Hopkins | WR | 28 | 2023

We can reorder this top tier anyway you want and I wouldn’t argue too hard but it is tough to argue with the video game numbers Christian McCaffrey has put up with Cam Newton out of the touchdown vulturing game. Skeptics questioned McCaffrey’s size and ability to carry a full workload out of college. And they questioned his erectile angles. “It shouldn’t bend like that,” they said. In response he’s played all 45 possible games over three seasons while racking up 582 carries and 273 receptions. This season alone, Run CMC has nearly 2,000 all-purpose yards and 16 touchdowns in only 13 games and he already has more receptions (86) than many top receivers will finish the year with.

Drew Brees is 40 and under contract for 2 more seasons. Four years into his career, Michael Thomas has three 100+ reception seasons and a 92 catch season back in his rookie year. The beauty of investing in top wide receivers not named Antonio Brown in dynasty football is their shelf life. For instance, how many elite running backs have come and gone during Julio Jones’s 9 year reign of terror?

Saquon Barkley has disappointed this season due to injury along with quarterback and all-around offensive instability in the Big Apple. But SaQuads will only just turn 23 in February and has 415 career carries—there’s a lot of tread left on this Ferrari’s tires, don’t lose faith.

Deshaun Watson is under contract thru 2022 and there’s no reason to think he won’t be extended. Outside of MT, there’s no more stable asset than DeAndre Hopkins. There’s even a decent argument for Hopkins over Thomas since his hook up is 16 years younger and always DTF—down to football.

5. Dalvin Cook | RB | 25 | 2021

6. Nick Chubb | RB | 24 | 2022

7. Ezekiel Elliott | RB | 25 | 2027

8. Alvin Kamara | RB | 25 | 2021

One of the main factors I look at when valuing dynasty running backs is workload. Battling in the trenches with 350 pounders each week takes a major toll on the body and few have those freakish Adrian Peterson genetics. Not many backs have produced better results than a healthy Dalvin Cook who sits at 448 career carries. When at full health in 2017 and 2019, Cook has averaged over 120 all-purpose yards and nearly a touchdown per game. There’s a little risk with 2021 free agency looming but this Cookie’s worth the calories.

I whiffed on Nick Chubb in last years dynasty rookie drafts, thinking he may have lost a step with all his college knee injuries. Nope, that’s some healthy Chubb with normal curvature and only 430 career carries.

Ezekiel Elliott likes to be fed and the Cowboys have more than obliged during his first four seasons giving him the rock 1,114 times on the ground and 176 times thru the air. There’s no doubting the talent but that’s a TON of usage and wear. I have a feeling his nine year monster contract will start looking fugly for the Boys by year 5 or 6, maybe sooner.

The regression fairies have been all over Alvin Kamara‘s loins this year. After posting 18 touchdowns last season, he sits with only 2 this year! This is an aberration so its worth trying to buy-low on the PPR stud who’s compiled 452 carries and 230 receptions in his three seasons.

9. Tyreek Hill | WR | 26 | 2023

10. Mike Evans | WR | 27 | 2024

11. Davante Adams | WR | 27 | 2022

12. Odell Beckham Jr. | WR | 27 | 2024

13. Chris Godwin | WR | 24 | 2021

14. Amari Cooper | WR | 26 | 2020

Tyreek Hill‘s talent might put him up in the top tier and he has my Mahomie dishing it his way, but potential off the field issues knock him down the list. I get some Josh Gordon-like vibes from Tyfreak.

Jameis Winston is a free agent this coming offseason. Mike Evans and Chris Godwin owners should hope he resigns in Tampa. As the saying goes, better the devil you know than Josh Rosen.

Aaron Rodgers is signed thru 2023 and the 36 year old isn’t the same passer he once was, but he still loves to target Davante Adams who’s caught 12, 10 and 13 touchdowns over the last three seasons. Adams has only reeled in three tuddies this year after battling turf toe for much of the season. Poke your paw thru that buy-low window and see what you can turn up.

Though Odell Beckham Jr. is under contract thru 2024, the Browns have an opt out after this year and it sounds like there’s a chance they do just that. And it sounds like OBJ has expressed his desire to get out of Cleveland anyway. His talent can’t be understated but we also can’t ignore the fact that he hasn’t caught 7+ touchdowns since 2016. There’s a lot of uncertainty here, but we did just discover that he’s been dealing with a painful sports hernia all season. Well, at least he doesn’t have Peyronie’s Disease! Or does he?!

Amari Cooper sure seems older that 26, doesn’t he? A lot of his value is contingent on his landing spot this offseason, but my Donkey Coins are on a return to Jerryland and a long term deal for Dak at some point too. Anyone interested in purchasing some Donkey Coins?

15. Patrick Mahomes | QB | 24 | 2022

16. Lamar Jackson | QB | 23 | 2023

Valuing quarterbacks in dynasty leagues is tricky. Sure, it’s fun to fade the position. 2019-like Kirk Cousins seasons pop up for nothing each year. But when a dynasty league becomes top heavy—which tends to happen—there’s only so many positions for you to gain an edge on your competition. Patrick Mahomes and Lamar Jackson are the new generation of very special quarterbacks. I had the crazy temptation to move this QB tier ahead of the receiver tier above; both of these chuckers have shown that they can single handedly win leagues. Find a way to get one of these straight-donged studs on your squad for the long haul.

17. Josh Jacobs | RB | 22 | 2024

18. Kerryon Johnson | RB | 23 | 2022

19. Leonard Fournette | RB | 25 | 2022

Josh Jacobs already has 218 carries so far this year, but he was a low mileage guy in college as he shared touches with Damien Harris at Bama. Gruden has shown no signs of limiting the carries at any point. JJ was on pace for a 1,400 yard rushing season coming into week 14 and apparently he’s also been playing with a “broken shoulder” since late October. Sooooo maybe Chucky could’ve limited those touches just a little?

You might be surprised to find out the 2nd youngest player in my top 20, behind only Josh Jacobs, is Kerryon Johnson. Kerryon actually has less career carries (210) than Jacobs (218). There’s a lot of gas left in the tank for this youngster and he could easily be in the top 10 this time next year. Buy-low if you can.

Against all odds, Leonard Fournette looks primed for his first full 16 game season as he attempts to rub the injury prone tattoo off his arm. Leo still only has 636 career carries on the odometer, but will you ever fully trust his health? I’m still working my way thru some Fournette PTSD.

20. George Kittle | TE | 26 | 2021

21. D.J. Moore | WR | 23 | 2023

22. Courtland Sutton | WR | 24 | 2022

23. Tyler Lockett | WR | 27 | 2022

The first tight end appearance on the list goes to George Kittle. Somehow George of the Jungle only has 10 career touchdowns in his three seasons. There’s another level of production on the way. Plus he seems like he’d be a blast to hang out with.

The D.J. Moore breakout has been underway this season as Kyle Allen (and Cam Newton) have peppered him with 121 targets in 13 games. The youngest WR in my top 25 sits at #4 in the NFL in receiving yards—as he’s already eclipsed 1,000 yards—and #6 in the league in receptions.

I wrote about the Drew Lock to Courtland Sutton connection in my week 13 fantasy roundup. It’s way early but Sutton has the size to be a top WR—6’4″ / 216lbs—and Lock has looked impressive in his first two starts; this could be a fun connection for years to come.

Tyler Lockett was on his way to a monster 2019 season before being derailed by a leg injury in week 10. Thru nine weeks Lockett was on pace for 105 catches for 1,360 yards and 10 touchdowns. In 2018 those numbers would’ve put him in the top 10 among wide receivers in all three categories. Take the WR1 at a discount in 2020.

24. Julio Jones | WR | 31 | 2024

25. Derrick Henry | RB | 26 | 2020

Julio Jones is the oldest player in this top 25 by 3.5 years and he’s starting to show little cracks in his armor. But they’re tiny cracks. He’s averaged 15 games, 1,600 yards and 105 receptions over the last 4 seasons and he’s on pace for another 15 games with 86 catches and 1,360 yards this year. Find him down by the schoolyard.

Landing spot and the accompanying situation are everything for free agent running backs. Derrick Henry is risky because of the immediate unknown as he looks to find a new home in 2020. He’s also not a PPR specialist but on the plus side, he’s a fairly low mileage tractor—751 career carries—who should at worst produce RB2 value for multiple seasons and at best return first round value like he has in 2019.

Stay tuned for the rest of my slow drip dynasty top 100!