In the news, O.J. Simpson is in jail for trying to reclaim some items in Las Vegas that an alleged thief stole from him. If O.J. is found guilty of asking a thief to return his belongings, he could go to jail for 30 years.

I assume O.J. is kicking himself for not killing everyone in the room, covering himself in their DNA, and going golfing. You have to stick with what works. What the Hell was he thinking?

This incident should be good for the reputation of Las Vegas. They pride themselves on being a place where activities that are normally immoral or illegal are encouraged. In Las Vegas, you can gamble all day, have sex with a stranger, and, apparently, steal her watch. In Las Vegas, it’s illegal for her to ask you to return it.

Unfortunately for O.J., his old attorney Johnny Cochrane has passed away. He’s the one who coined the phrase “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” In my opinion, that rhyme freed O.J. I recall reading a study that says people perceive things that rhyme to be more persuasive than things that don’t. Who will create the new rhyme that sets O.J. free? I have a few suggestions.

“If he reclaimed his own shit, you must acquit!”

“If he didn’t get rough, you must uncuff!”

“If he has a bad knee, you must set him free!”

That’s why I’m not a lawyer. Do you have anything better?