(A4A) (Comfort) (Reassurance) (Gotta tell the truth)

(Quite Sigh)

Hey...Mind if I join you? I know...I won't touch. I promise.

(Sounds of settling in next to them and then a few moments of silence.)

It's getting pretty dark out. Sure you don't want to go in? I know you said you weren't hungry, but I could make you some dinner. (A few moments to wait for a reply, then a deep sigh.) Okay sweetheart, whatever you want.

(A few moments.)

So...what was it about? (Short pause.) Babe. We've been married for three years. We dated three years before that. And you've been one of my best friends since we were five. I know well enough when you've had a nightmare or an attack. Now I would like to skip the part where I demand why you didn't tell me when it happened, and move on to helping you and fixing it.

(Pause)

What do you mean "This is why I didn't tell you"? Because I would focus on you instead of letting you wallow in misery and ignoring you? (Short pause and a sigh) Wait...it was that one wasn't it. The one where I leave you and tell you that I'm sick of everything that's wrong with you because there's always something wrong. The nightmare that defies logic and seems to ignore every evidence to the contrary and tears into your brain and makes you cold and distant from me. And you sit out here under the tree all day and I worry about you.

(Pause, then your voice gets a little short and snappy.)

Look, I'm not angry at you right now. I'm not upset and I love you just the same as ever. But you need to get something through your thick skull. I have known you since before anything ever happened. You were my best friend. We laughed and we ran around and in that moment I wanted to be with you forever. And then when we were eight and you showed me the bruises from...those people... I didn't run or get disgusted. I sat with you and dried your tears and watched movies with you all night. And in that moment I wanted to be with you forever. And when we were 17 and you were in the hospital for three weeks getting fixed up from getting jumped I didn't ignore you and run away. I sat in your room every afternoon after school and helped feed you and helped you take your meds. And I still wanted to be with you. And when... (sigh) when in college that terrible person hurt you and left you broken and a mess I drove six hours in the middle of the night just so I could hold you.

Through every cut, scrap, bruise, broken heart, nightmare, anxiety attack, you name it, I have never stopped wanting to be with you forever. You see yourself as this messed up broken down walking sack of issues and problems that are never fixed, but I can never see that. I see you as the friend I had in Kindergarten that pushed me on the swing and smiled at me in the hall and who I sprinted to eat lunch next to. I see the date to my first high school dance and the date to Prom. I see my first crush, my high school sweetheart, and the love of my life. And that's how I have always and will always see you.

And I don't know what I will have to do to make you see yourself as that. But I won't stop trying until you do. That's why you have to tell me when these things happen so that I can help you and you don't go through more than you have to. (Pause) Why do I care so much? Other than all of the reason I just said? (Sigh) I care because when you came into my house when we were eight and you were so bruised up and crying...it broke my heart. I couldn't bare to see you so hurt and sad and when you left the next morning I bawled for hours. And every time I saw you with a new bruise or cut or have a nightmare or a panic attack I felt that same heartbreak. And when I got you all patched up and calm again I would bawl. And even now when you get this scared or upset I bawl. I can't see you hurt.

(Pause)

Look at me please. I didn't tell you all of this to make you feel guilty. I told you all of this because I want you to know how much I love you and need you in my life. And I know that doesn't stop the nightmares but it should stop you from hiding them from me. Because I want to fix it. I want to make you safe and calm and I especially want, no NEED, to see you smile. Because your smile keeps me going everyday. (Small giggle) Just like that one will.