It’s that time of year again, when we deck our desks with holiday knick knacks and get ready to celebrate with our coworkers.

That’s right! It’s time for the office holiday party—the year-end gathering that only 36% of employees actually enjoy and that opens employers and employees alike up to a smorgasbord of risks and dangers (horror stories, anyone?). Or, at least, that’s what I hear from my friends. Because I, Terri, have never actually been to a real office holiday party.

Still, I feel confident in offering you, dear reader, some office party advice. That’s because, while I’ve never had my own cubicle in a traditional office, I have watched all 9 seasons of The Office dozens of times. I may or may not have gone to New York to see The Office! A Musical Parody and to grab a real New York slice (RIP Times Square Sbarro). My boyfriend may or may not have made me a hand-bound book of the scripts from seasons one and two.

I guess what I’m saying is, I know The Office—and I know all seven holiday episodes of The Office, and, because I know The Office, and I know The Office holiday episodes, I also know about the office holiday party. So, hang the mistletoe (don’t; you don’t want to be a creep like Robert California), spike the eggnog (don’t; Toby’ll whine about it), and enjoy my gift to you: this list of holiday party lessons that I’ve learned from the hardworking heroes of Dunder Mifflin.