FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT

To the average diner, Phil Pierce looked like every other patron at the iconic Woodbine Sizzler, as he selected a dinner plate and moved past the losers at the soup station.

But as he turned left towards the slow-moving traffic at the salad bar, it quickly became clear to all that he wasn’t here to check out the newly-installed vertical garden wall things or the recently steam-cleaned carpet tiles.

Carefully positioning his dinner plate under the nozzle of the soft -serve machine, Phil carefully dispensed a leaning tower of soft serve and paired it with some squares of sticky date pudding, apple crumble slice and pavlova.

Next stop was obviously a large dollop of chocolate mousse, before the resultant delicacy was topped with every topping except the cheap shitty jellybeans.

Regular diners respectfully moved their kids aside to make room and admire the handiwork of someone who clearly felt very strongly about chocolate mousse, cheesy bread and 1980s architecture.

“The trick is to avoid those tiny dessert dishes altogether” explained Phil “You can’t fit every single dessert in them at the same time, which is why you need to use the dinner plates.”

“With a dinner plate you can fit all the desserts on at once so you don’t have to keep going back and waiting behind the line of kids who can’t figure out how to use the soft-serve machine. Trust me mate, I’m an expert. I’ve been coming here ever since my wife left me for some skinny guy”.