Imagine growing up with Martha Stewart as your mom. Delicious dinners. Fun crafts. An amazing Halloween.

Uh, no.

That's all for show, writes the domestic diva's daughter, Alexis Stewart, in a new book, Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, co-authored with Jennifer Koppelman Hutt. Alexis and Jennifer snarked on Martha in their Fine Living Network show, Whatever, Martha. ABC.com characterizes the book as a comical guide for those who "hate how-to manuals," slated for bookstore shelves Oct. 18.

UPDATE: Martha laughs off the new book

But this book takes Martha-bashing to a new level. Some excerpts:

- "Martha does everything better! You can't win!" Alexis, 46, says of her world-famous mother, 70. "If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. … I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."

- Halloween? "There were no costumes. There was no anything. We turned off all the lights and pretended we weren't home," writes Alexis.

- Martha's bathroom habits? "Mother always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don't feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!' "

- The refrigerator was always empty. "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."

Notes Alexis at the start of the book: "Thanks in advance to my mother for not getting angry about anything written in this book." Martha has not commented.