When you turn on the Oscars, what are you really watching? Most people admit it's a good excuse for a fashion show. And it seems an obvious choice between Keira Knightley’s elegant, wine-colored Vera Wang and Gwyneth’s 2003 gothic horror show. But then why, if it’s that obvious, do stars continue to mistake the Oscars for that other dress-up day on the 31st of October? With a cadre of stylists, trainers and designers, and without needing to fit the dress inside a small pocketbook, wouldn’t you think they could get it right every time?

Now they can.

Will Her Oscar Dress Be A Hit?

Run the numbers to see which stars won and lost the fashion competition at this year's Oscars. Or, call your favorite fashion-challenged star in the next four days and tell them to read this blog before setting foot on the red carpet to ensure she comes off as beauty and not the beast.

This equation says that the nicer the star’s figure, the more revealing the dress should be (though please stop short of Beyonce at the Golden Globes, who got most critics’ ‘booby prize’). Also, most successful dresses tend toward the stylistically tried and true, falling between three and six on the 1-10 scale of ambition. And it’s always nice to add the legitimacy of a big-name designer and to be on top of this year’s trends.

• S= Percentage of skin covered by dress (at this year’s Golden Globes, Beyonce’s dress covered approximately 50%—too little in most experts’ opinions)

• T= How tight is the dress? (1-10 with 10 being “painted on”)

• BF= How beautiful is the star’s figure? (1-10 with 10 being “J-Lo”)

• BI= Beauty is more than skin deep—what percentage of people do you think are predisposed to think the best of this star? (Julia Roberts would probably be around 95%, while Paris Hilton would be around 10%)

• D= Of ten average Oscar viewers, how many have heard of the dress’ designer?

• A= How ambitious is the dress (1-10 with 1 being “little, black” and 10 being “bells, whistles”)

• T= How closely does the dress match this year’s trends? (1-10 with 10 being “white at this year’s Golden Globes or pockets at last year’s Oscars”)