I have a great investment proposition for you. It’s called “Natwestcoin”. Let me explain how it works and why it’s definitely better than dirty stinking central bank cash.*

Here’s the deal. You currently hold your money in cash which we all know is controlled by the evil corrupt government which is intent on creating inflation and robbing you off your wealth. Well, if you invest in Natwestcoin you can take charge of your own money and be free of the evil central bankers forever and never have to use cash again!

You see when you buy Natwestcoin you’re actually buying a cryptographically secure digital commodity that exists in digital form only and whose supply is capped by a sophisticated protocol that promises to expand the money supply at a fixed rate that responds to the needs of customers and Natwestcoin miners.

So you see, the more demand there is from customers the easier it becomes to mine Natwestcoins. This is because, unlike bitcoin, the secret elite which devised the Natwestcoin protocol decided that its primary objective should be to regulate supply in such a way that the value of its coins always matches that of cash so that retailers and people who depend on stability can use it, while any upside could be directly passed over to the miners in the form seigniorage bonuses. Yay!

But the makers of Natwestcoin weren’t stupid! They knew you wouldn’t be interested in Natwestcoin unless you too could see some guaranteed appreciation over time. Otherwise why else would you hold your cash in Natwestcoin?!! Without the promise of some appreciation surely you’d want to swap your cash into a higher yielding investment as soon as you received it!

Yes, being able to move your money cheaply through the Natwestcoin network is darn great, but let’s face it the network isn’t a charity! If you want cheap money transfer you need miners to get paid. Not only is the service they’re providing super valuable, without them you’d have to literally transfer your banknotes by air, train or plane (yes physically!) to the destination point.

But luckily thanks to Natwestcoin it’s all as easy as an entry in a cryptographically secure and heavily defended ledger, meaning all the Natwestcoin mining community has to do to transfer the units is make sure its network — wherever it may be in the world — has access to a constantly updated ledger which shows their account has been drained or credit according to the community’s wishes!

And here’s the genius of Natwestcoin. You can be sure the computer geniuses who mine these coins never stage a double spending attack because hey, game theory dictates they have no interest in sabotaging a system they are all invested in!

If they did they’d lose all their hitherto accumulated bonuses raised by cleverly regulating the price of Natwestcoin for public stability purposes.

You see every time demand in Natwestcoin is high and it looks like the price might go up, Natwestcoin miners know this is the perfect time to swap more of their pre-mined coins for dirty fiat currencies and do new depositors a huge favour by offering to sit on their hard-to-transmit stinky fiat on their behalf.

Yes, sometimes they might spend some of that fiat on you know Tesla cars and pizzas but most of the time it makes much more sense to just use that money to reinvest in the Natwestcoin system and make it even better and more secure so that even more people would be tempted to hold their wealth as Natwestcoin rather than fiat cash or any other alternative productive investment!

The miners might for example use it to buy more mining machines to make sending Natwestcoin even more secure and efficient, or alternatively on promotional material or Natwestcoin memorabilia like little piggy banks. (Piggy banks are obviously ironic marketing material! Natwestcoin is immaterial! But sometimes the public needs a good visual to help picture the genius of Natwestcoin!) Alternatively they might see fit to reinvest that cash somewhere else in the system even more profitably via their own speculative trading or by giving people loans. And if all these strategies successfully lead to higher miner revenues sometimes they may even be inclined to pass some fraction of those profits to the average user in the form of more controlled appreciation than that offered by competitors.

Beware Bearwhales!

The other really great thing about Natwestcoin miners is that they were equally prepared to help protect the value of Natwestcoins from evil speculative Bearwhales who might suddenly come along demanding all sorts of fiat money in exchange for Natwestcoins they suddenly didn’t want. Because you never know when a Bearwhale might come along, it obviously makes some sense to keep a bit of fiat cash on reserve so to easily be able to make the Bearwhale go away if it begins to threaten.

Of course sometimes Bearwhales can be unrelenting. Worse than that, they can encourage other Bearwhales to come along and make even greater cash demands on cash reserves the network doesn’t necessarily have (because you know they’ve over invested in natwestcoin infrastructure and/or Tesla cars). At those times all miners know bearwhales can threaten the stability of the entire natwestcoin system, wiping out its value (and all the vested bonuses) whilst making it entirely unfit for both store of value or transaction use. This is why it becomes hugely important for Natwestcoin miners to be able to beg for more fiat funding from those who still believed in the viability of the natwestcoin system. If convinced, funders (often other banks! Or sometimes funds!) will see the logic of lending more fiat to protect against Bearwhale attacks, and to keep the system intact, usually in lieu of a stake in the network or in return for a fee or some other asset.

But what’s truly brilliant about Natwestcoin is that if there isn’t anyone left in the market who still believes in the Natwestcoin network, the miners can always go to the central bank which will happily give them the cash they need providing they give up some vested interest in the network as collateral and a fee. Nobody really wants to do that of course! But sometimes, you know, people act irrationally. Sometimes people forget how great Natwestcoin really is. Perhaps they don’t trust the private sector’s commitment to keeping their coins stable anymore and trust the government’s commitment more?! I don’t know! Some people are MAD! All I say is at least with Natwestcoin there is always the chance o convince the central bank to help you. (Though, be careful not to make the central bank mad because in that case they might say no.)

A nation of altcoins!

All of this works really well by the way because on top of everything else, all the other altcoin networks — from Barclayscoin to HSBCcoin — agree to defend roughly the same convertibility rate versus cash (differing sometimes on how much they allow their coins to appreciate). That means Natwestcoins are happily accepted by the users of Barclayscoin and Barclayscoins are happily accepted by HSBCcoin and so forth. There’s no downside to using Natwestcoin because everyone agrees to exchange it for a minimum rate (the fiat rate), and everyone had agreed to accept it!! And that’s not collusion!! That’s efficiency and common protocolisation!

YES it’s true, back in the old days this sort of exchange might have resulted in conversion losses for the customer. Back then this was known as a “fee”, borne by the customer if their substitution of Natwestcoins for HSBCcoins didn’t quite match with offsetting demand. Luckily all the respective altcoin networks got together and decided that it was in their interests to insure such substitution was as frictionless and cheap as possible. After all, you didn’t want to put users off and have them return to using evil fiat! Fungibility via the private network was essential. Which meant it made perfect sense to absorb those matching irregularity costs within the system on behalf of the customer.

Yes, it meant smaller profits in the short term! But who cares when those losses can be compensated for by so many other things like forced sales of theft or hacker protection insurance, brokerage fees or even leverage fees for those who desperately wanted access to the natwestcoin market but couldn’t get access any other way. The customer will pay in the end even if he doesn’t know it!

So, quick recap!

Here are the things to remember about the wonderfulness of natwestcoin:

1) it’s based on a distributed ledger across all natwest nodes (sometimes called branches)!

2) you don’t need to be a miner yourself to benefit from the substantial upside! Indeed, you can easily get exposure to natwestcoin’s amazing profitability by investing on a pooled basis to receive dividend flows! These are called bank shares.

3) wallets come free with the system!

4) the wallets and coins are cryptographically secure! And nobody can see your accounts apart from you!

5) game theory keeps the system honest!

6) there are always new layers of improved technology being added to the mining and security systems, competing with the least efficient systems!

7) the miners are so nice they are prepared to absorb all risk that threatens the stability of Natwestcoin.

8) natwestcoin is not fiat!

9) only those who can be bothered to mine do so and usually only when profits are big enough to entice them. But everyone can be a user!

How can you possibly not be tempted by Natwestcoin?!

*Disclosure: I am not really trying to pitch natwest deposits as a great investment. I am agnostic regarding their potential investment status. I am just trying to point out the similarities with the standing system and the new system being pitched by the technology space. There may be generalizations. This is a diary blog post. I.e. an extension of the comment and opinion space. It is not an objective piece of news reporting. I am sad that increasingly more people need that pointing out and can’t differentiate between the two.