Tottenham Hotspur F.C, otherwise known as the 'Yids', 'Bottlers' or 'Where your trophies at lul', are a football club based in the city of Liverpool plagued by the erroneous belief they are located in London.

This club is most famous for their immense ability of not being able to win any type of trophy since the beginning of time, yet perceived to be the best club in the world no questions asked by their supporters.

Current Squad [ edit ]

Goalkeepers [ edit ]

Number Country Player Description 1 Surrenderland Hugo Lloris Overrated Frenchie probably off getting drunk in cars 13 GermanyLite Michel Vorm Used to have an 'a' in his first name but this was stolen by Johan Cruyff's ghost 22 South American Wine Country Paulo Gazzaniga Has a funny yet slightly racist last name

Defenders [ edit ]

Number Country Player Description 2 Brexitland Kieran Trippier 4'8 roadman likely to mug you outside Tesco's 3 Brexitland Danny Rose 28 years old but has been playing for Spurs since 1935 4 Waffleton Toby Alderweireld Everyone's second favourite Belgian defender 5 Waffleton Jan Vertonghen Likes to drop trophies 6 Shakira Land Davinson Sánchez Decent player when he's not injured 99.9% of the time 16 Brexitland Kyle Walker-Peters So irrelevant I can't think of something funny about him 21 South American Wine Country Juan Foyth Gives away penalties like Colombia does Latin Pop tunes 24 Reverse Ireland Serge Aurier Our Ivorian beefcake <3 33 Whales Ben Davies Awarded the flattest face award by the Premier League overlords

Midfielders [ edit ]

Number Country Player Description 8 Brexitland Harry Winks Has caterpillars for eyebrows 11 South American Wine Country Érik Lamela Has some tasty hair 12 Lions Victor Wanyama Had spaghetti once and it was very nice he enjoyed it 15 Brexitland Eric Dier Would probably knock you out with his head for calling him Portuguese 17 Surrenderland Moussa Sissoko Has the aerial ability of a handicapped tortoise 20 Brexitland Dele Alli Has less pubic hair than Spurs have trophies 23 The country that looks like batman Christian Eriksen Has been on Real Madrid's watchlist since before he was born 27 Football's paradise Lucas Moura Fulfills the Brazilian player quota 52 Brexitland Oliver Skipp Was probably in a boyband before he started footballing

Strikers [ edit ]

Number Country Player Description 7 Not Best Korea Son Heung-Min Best Korean player since that Mancunian dog-eater (wherever he may be) 10 Brexitland Harry Kane Your Venezuelan housekeeper speaks better English than him 18 Not Portugal Fernando Llorente Probably has more own goals than actual goals at this point - GermanyLite Vincent Janssen So irrelevant he doesn't even have a number

Trophies [ edit ]

Oh yeah I remembered they have none

XXDXDDXDXDXDXDDDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDDXX LAMOAMAOALMAOAMLAMOAAMALMALAOAOOOO LOLOLL OLOLOLLL LOOOL L LOL OLO LOL OOLOL OLOLOL LOLOL XDXDXD D X X DD XD D X DXDXD X DX DXDX DXD XXXDDDDX DDX DX D XD

Rivalries [ edit ]

Being such a calamity of a club, they were bound to have at least some enemies that often play (and win) against them.

Arsenhole FC

Hellsea FC

Basically every London club

The city of Manchester

David Cameron

The Nazis

Emmanuel Adebayor

Lasagne

Many world wars have been fought against these clubs and (unsurprisingly) Tottenham has lost every single one of them. This was attributed to bad weather, "playing a rotated squad", the grass being too long and the con artists stealing their transfer funds, amongst other equally malign reasons.