Posting this mostly for validation and because part of me wants to scream FUCK YOU to the men who interview anyone about their chastity and worthiness. Today I was triggered in class at UVU, hence what sparked this post.

Flashback to 8 years ago I’m preparing to serve a mission. I’d always been a good Mormon. (I didn’t even have a boyfriend or kiss a boy until I was 20). I sort of had a rough time once with a boyfriend who manipulated me into giving him oral sex (I was very uneducated about everything growing up, my parents wouldn’t let us participate in sex ed) and I thought this, and my heavy petting was going to send me to hell, so I half confessed to our singles ward bishop who at the time was my uncle. (This literally makes me never want to see him at any family events. Luckily they live out of state and I rarely do). Aside from that I tried to forget about my “sins” and for the most part I did. I moved out of the country and since I was living abroad, I felt the need to fully confess here. I was advised by my branch president not to take the sacrament for weeks there.

I bawled during my first worthiness interview and felt unbearable shame during this time, even though I volunteered to do this. My only consolation was that I was living in the middle of nowhere attending a small branch in a foreign country, where I’d never have to return again. My hope in confessing abroad was to heal and move on and never think of it again.

Boy was I wrong!

After coming home I started preparing for my mission. My ward bishop at the time was in Orem, and he wanted to rake me across the coals. In my head I had healed, I had moved on, I was living a chaste life. I had suffered for my sins and put it behind me! The mission prep process was so brutal though, and this bishop repeatedly asked me if I had ever been asked to stop taking the sacrament or repent of sexual sins. Being the good little Mormon that I was it never even occurred to me to just not mention this all again. I felt like I was FORCED into another confession.

The interview I had voluntarily walked into abroad was simple. I spoke minimal Spanish, the branch president had never conducted worthiness interviews before and asked for no details. My interview with my Orem bishop was horrific. He asked me how many times I had performed oral sex. Literally making me the absolute most uncomfortable and ashamed I’ve ever felt in my entire life! Not only this but to get approval for leaving on my mission I had to repeat this again with my stake president. Again he asked me how many times I had performed oral sex. I’ve never wanted to crawl out of my skin more than during these interviews. Still, even with the discomfort, I never questioned the process, never questioned the church. They deliberately made me talk about sexual things I had buried and healed from years before.

Fast forward and I’ve since resigned from the church. Realized I was a victim of sexual assault, on more than one occasion. For the last few years I’ve viewed these experiences as a violation of my very being. I wish the interviews would end.

As if the story couldn’t get worse it does. So I’m sitting in class TODAY at UVU and we’re having an emotional discussion on male privilege. Many girls in our class were in tears sharing experiences they had experienced growing up being sexually assaulted or harassed. The shocking thing happened when one girl (who happens to be the daughter of the bishop who interviewed me before my mission) shared her story. I’ve known this girl was my former Bishop’s daughter, we’re friends on Facebook, but I’ve never felt the need to bring the fact up that I know her dad because I don’t want to deal with a possible shit storm when she finds out I’ve resigned from the church.

Anyways, she starts going on about how she was molested as a child and her dad was the Bishop! He knew the boy in the ward who did it, and chose not to press charges because this boy needed to be given an opportunity to change and he felt the need to teach his daughter forgiveness. She told us with tears streaming down her face that the same boy who molested her had previously molested another girl in the ward before her, AND HER FATHER AS THE BISHOP KNEW! He knew this boy had molested someone else, then he invited the same boy to their house, where he later molested his daughter! Then he doesn’t press charges and tells her to forgive him.

WHAT THE HELL! I literally wrote WHAT THE FUCK in my class notes for the day. The very same man who grilled me about every nasty detail of my “sex” life, had literally allowed his daughter to be molested. And here she is bawling her eyes out in anger, sitting next to me in class. I was absolutely fuming. No one brought up any issues with the church. No one dared mention the absurdity that occurs when bishops act like this. No one said a damn thing!

Part of me wants to write this bishop and stake president saying fuck you. Fuck you for shaming us! Fuck you for taking the law into your own hands and hurting your daughter and those other precious victims. Fuck them all for covering it up! I’m so tired of this shit!

Just had to vent. Just had to hurt. Just had to scream!

These men have no business talking to women or men. They have no business doling out shitty unqualified, unprofessional and damaging advice! How can we stop this? These our our neighbors and friends and children. My heart aches for anyone who has or is experiencing this! It needs to stop.

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