Serving Hades and the surrounding area

Illustration by Edwin Fotheringham

127 Fields of Punishment Ave.

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Robert K.

Charon was O.K., but he refused to play Beyoncé and would make low, guttural Gregorian-chant sounds when I asked him to turn up the A.C.

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Marilyn P.

Great service, but I’m knocking off a star because the Taxi TV was nothing but holograms of people screaming as they paid their debts to the God of the Underworld.

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Denise W.

Did what he needed to do, got my freshly unbodied soul from the world of the living to the world of the dead. Love that in addition to ancient drachmas and babies’ blood he now takes Chase QuickPay!

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Karen T.

He arrived on time, so three stars for that. But he was not very fun. I said, “Hey, Charon,” and he got offended, saying, “It’s pronounced ‘Karen.’ ” So I was, like, “Oh, my God! Shut up! My name is Karen!,” and then he rolled his burning fire-eyes and melted into the ether and left me there in the middle of the River Styx. Rude.

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Lisa M.

Big surprise. Yet another service that won’t take me to Brooklyn.

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Derek V.

Virgil once described Charon’s eyes as “hollow furnaces on fire,” but he’d obviously just never hung out with a stoner before.

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Jane L.

Not really Charon’s fault, but he confiscated my sexy swimsuit for the River Cocytus and my sexy fire suit for the fire river, Phlegethon. Frustrating, because they were both from Patagonia. As he torched them with his gaze, he patronizingly mumbled, “More like Pata-Gucci.”

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Jed L.

Left my cell phone in the ferry, which sucks—especially because the underworld is literally the only place I’ve ever had full bars with A.T. & T. I called it and I’m pretty sure Charon answered, doing a moderately mean impersonation of my nasal voice.

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Garrett O.

Charon seemed like a nice guy. My biggest reason for giving him one star is that every time I try to delete the Uber app I’m wrapped in shadows, stabbed with a thousand blunt daggers, and, as I collapse, subjected to a booming laugh that echoes across the dark plains. Typical Uber.

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Anderson Cooper

Let me start by saying that I’m someone who travels constantly between the world of the living and the world of the dead. Charon has the service down to an art. In a golden goblet, he readies the elixir that allows me to remain a beautiful, ageless immortal, and I never feel him shift gears as we cross the river to Hades’ palace for the biannual Meeting of the Illuminati. Charon is always ready and waiting when I float out of the palace to return to Earth. He’s a gem. I’d give ten stars if I could! Actually, as a demigod, I can! Ten stars for you, little C.!

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Steve J.

It’s a boat and he didn’t have Dramamine. W.T.F. ♦