Government report with all the wonderful benefits of no-deal Brexit remains steadfastly unleaked

The government report that outlines all the wonderful benefits the nation will reap in the event of a no-deal Brexit remains steadfastly unleaked, according to sources this morning.

The report, which Whitehall officials insist definitely exists, has been left lying around for weeks in the hope someone would pop it in a brown envelope and hand it to a reporter at a national newspaper.

DexEU staffer Simon Williams told us, “We’ve spent months compiling this document, and it’s very very long. It is packed the rafters with the benefits of leaving the EU with no-deal, but for some reason, no-one has leaked it yet.

“Which is a shame, because we know everyone would be much happier with no-deal as a plan if only they could see all the brilliant things in this document.

“Right now, all they have is that horrible Yellowhammer document which lists all the bad things that will happen in the event of no-deal. I’ve no idea why that one got leaked and this one didn’t.

“Our brilliantly exciting document makes the yellowhammer report look like it was written by a child. A child with a really horrible imagination. Ours is more like a week at Disneyland.

“I wish I could just tell you about all the incredible benefits of no-deal, but I’m not allowed to. There is a genuine concern that if people realise all the good stuff that’s coming, the entire nation will become one big party zone and nothing will ever get done.

“Yes, it really is going to be that good.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!