Washington D.C.—

Popular white supremacist and neo-nazi Richard Spencer has been busy over the last few months erecting a research center and laboratory dedicated entirely to the preservation of white people’s sperm, though he has enlisted the help of many of his white supremacist friends.

Spencer and his team of volunteers have been diligently collecting mason jars of white people’s semen in the expectation that immigration and general hostility toward racism will someday make white people go extinct.

Stephen Miller, a senior adviser to President Donald Trump, was an early donor for Spencer’s White Sperm Doomsday Vault project, and not just financially.

“Stephen Miller is a true patriot,” explained Mr. Spencer in a phone conversation, “He cares about the future of whites, and he shares my passion for racial hierarchy. And, let me tell you, this guy is a machine. It usually takes me two, sometimes three months, to fill up a mason jar by myself, but this guy has been pumping out jars as fast as two-three weeks. It’s amazing. He told me he wants to have enough sperm saved up in the vault to be able to impregnate white women for centuries to come, and even restart the human race himself if needed. Ha! He once told me that he wants to be the Genghis Khan of white people. That’s quite an ambition, given that Genghis Khan likely had thousands of children. But, yeah, I’m not complaining. Stephen is the top donor to the vault. He says he has a ‘do not disturb’ sign that he puts on his door when he fills up his jars during work, and he types up really awful, draconian immigration policy reports—he says that’s his biggest turn on. This guy really gets off to the idea of physically forcing white supremacy on America.”

Mr. Miller could not readily be reached by phone by time of publishing. Each of our attempts to phone him resulted in his secretary explaining that he was in his office with a “do not disturb” sign on his door, probably working on a policy rollout.

(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)

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