When you have a 30-year old truck to sell, how do you make it stand out?

One local seller on BisManOnline.com took a cue from a recent, hilarious CraigsList ad and put together his own awesome ad to sell his 1984 Ford F250.

The ad starts by explaining that this is a truck. It rides like a truck. It drives like a truck.

And, then, we get into the fun stuff. Check out the whole ad below:

Here's the deal guys... This is not a brand new luxury truck with all the bells and whistles or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, leaf springs, wind noise, character, and more stories than your grandpa. It's a truck. It rides like a truck. It drives like a truck. All of these are GOOD things.

It is not new, it is not pristine, it is 30 years old.

If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If you have been posting on Facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and complain a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a BS job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If you own a Bieber album, white Oakley’s, affliction t-shirts, or those cheesy stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid stuff: THIS MIGHT BE YOUR TRUCK.

Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?

Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?

While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?

Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?

Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?

When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fence-line do you consider taking on another project?

Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?

-could you not care less?

Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?

Do you still miss your first ride?

Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?

Remember when tool companies had the stones to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?

Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?

If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding:

THIS MIGHT BE YOUR TRUCK.

Here’s what you’re getting:

1984 Ford F250 (HD)

460ci (7.4L) (new tuned 750cfm edelbrock carb with electric choke)

4X4

4spd manual

3.53 rear end (goes down the highway at speed just fine unlike other vintage trucks)

Solid steel custom flatbed with custom headache rack with all new wiring

All new LED lighting

class 5 receiver hitch with new 7 pin trailer wiring

turn over gooseneck ball with new 7 pin trailer wiring

Dual fuel tanks

Chrome rims with good Hankook Dynapro tires

electronic brake controller

High output heater

QUESTIONS:

-Why are you selling?

I have 5 kids and the police frown on stacking them like dominos in a single cab truck. Apparently their safety is much more important than mine was when I was a kid.

-What's wrong with it?

It thinks it's a dog and marks its territory a little, it’s a big block directly descended from the Internal Combustion Gods so it uses a little oil. Better to use it than not have it. And the speedometer recently stopped working, but again, that's a bell or a whistle you don't really need anyway.

-Does the 4WD work?

Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?

No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the truck. Love the truck. Give the truck a job.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?

No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner honda project down the road. I think I'm plenty cheap for this beast.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?

I don't care. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good truck for my son?

Hell. Yes. Not only a good truck, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance. Additionally, it's a great truck for him to make some of those huntin', muddin', "hold my beer and watch this" memories that you and I have.

-Can you deliver?

Within reason. Except anywhere in oil country. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.

-Will you take a personal check/ Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?

Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead? No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?

No. See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?

That's great, I don't care. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $3800. Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it. But my wife and the local PD says no.

-Why are you such a dick?

Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.