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SELF-ISOLATING himself from all forms of news and media, local man Tommy Rogers has claimed the only thing he’s sick from is hearing about the coronavirus, WWN can confirm.

“Panic, don’t panic, panic again; I’m sick to fucking death hearing about this stupid flu,” Rogers began, briefly removing earmuffs and a blindfold he had on to avoid any contamination from the news, “I don’t care how many people in Ireland have it nor do I need some wealthy television presenters telling me how to wash my fucking hands”.

The 45-year-old is just one of thousands of unbothered people desperate to hear about anything that’s not coronavirus related, citing a basic knowledge and understanding of the modern day media as the instigator in all of this.

“Give me a world ending asteroid or a nuclear war anyday over this,” Rogers added, referring to the good old days when the news relied on war and celestial objects hurtling at the earth to incite an existential fear, “I used to like social media, now I can’t even open my phone”.

Over the past ten years, scary pandemic stories have been the go-to item of choice for boosting dwindling news figures.

“We had bird flu, H1N1 swine flu, Ebola, but finally the media got exactly what they wanted with the coronavirus; a total and utter state of newspaper selling panic,” he went on, now getting into a sensory deprivation tank, “just let me know when you bunch of idiots have copped on a bit and stopped trying to be experts on all this bullshit, thanks”.