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Photographed by Craig Rathgeber.

You talk a lot about comfort levels. What advice or thoughts would you have for someone who has a partner who is interested in something that they themselves aren't interested in — or haven't tried. A lot of women don’t like anal sex. What would you suggest one does to accustom themselves to something that makes them a little uncomfortable naturally? How do you open up your sexuality?

“Okay, anal sex is easy: Some appendages don’t fit right in some holes. Butt holes are all different — except it’s on the inside. It’s not like a vulva where you can look, or a penis where you can see everything. Anal sex is the rectum. For instance, you might have always tried anal sex while lying on your back with the same partner. Assuming it’s a male partner with the same penis, it might not be shaped right. It might be shaped in a way that requires you to be on all fours, or on one side with your leg at a 45-degree angle.



Even though I am a professional, sometimes I can’t get mine to behave. Sometimes, with certain performers, it’s just not going to happen. We try, and since there are so many variables — the angularness of the head or the size, or the sponginess or lack of sponginess. You may need to try a whole lot of positions, or you also just might not be into anal sex. That’s totally fine. (Though, the one thing you should never, ever do is experiment with anal sex while intoxicated. You should never take Xanax to relax, and definitely never use numbing agents. Pain is your body telling you that something is not right. I stand behind that so strongly.)



Remember, the whole array of sexual activities that a person could engage in is so grand. You don’t have to want all those things. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting all of those things. I’m not really into food. I like eating, but not the fancy stuff. Oysters and caviar are gross to me. That weird duck paste, too — yuck. I like spaghetti with meat sauce, not meatballs, but meat sauce. I like very simple things. Some people are like that with sex, and other people want to literally eat everything they can possibly eat in the world. So, they have a TV show on the Food Network or something. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t like anal sex or you don’t even want to try it. You don’t have to make a porn movie to prove that you’re sexually liberated. You can be sexually liberated and just want to keep your bits to yourself.



If your partner is like, ‘C’mon, I want to put it in your butt!’ and they’re poking at it — that’s not cool. That’s unacceptable, especially if you consistently say you’re not comfortable. But, if you aren't uncomfortable, and unless it’s revolting to you or there’s some serious issue around it that will irk you, I'd always suggest you consider giving it a try.”



You have to know if you like oysters in order to speak articulately about why you hate them.

“But, you shouldn’t feel like you have to like oysters. Unless there’s a reason not to, relationships are about compromise. It sucks, but sometimes you and your partner’s sexual tastes don’t line up. You can hopefully part ways in a friendly manner, or you can open up your relationship if everyone is cool with that. For instance, if you really want to get beaten, I am, for ethical reasons, fine with you being beaten but can't be the one doing it. So, if you’re okay with bringing in a third party, then do it. There are always options, but sometimes you come up against a wall where one thing is really important to one person, and the other person hates it. That’s just as big an issue as one is Republican and the other is Libertarian. Sometimes, you just won’t make it work."



How would you suggest individuals get past feelings of shame, weirdness, or discomfort that are associated with sexual acts they are interested in?

"The whole sunshine and daisies thing is, again, 400 years off when it comes to sexual awareness. We’ll get there eventually, but we’re in the middle of it now. There’s still this cultural context where women have been told by relatives or authority figures that sexuality in women is bad or must be represented in a specific way. We must fight that. Or, you can go with it, that’s fine, too. But, it’s not going to help us get to equality and understanding, but it’s a respectable choice.



Frankly, I think sitting around and talking about sexuality is great. There are so many venues on the Internet with women sharing their thoughts. One of the wonderful things about the Internet is demonstrating how diverse human sexual tastes are. You might think one thing is negative because of the subtextual messages seen your whole life.”