"Totem Sanic" redirects here. For the Relic of Fail, see Sonic Totem.

“ I feel sorry for them in such pitiful conditions and whatnot. I do. ” Chris, on weens like Hirtes[1]

Michael Hirtes Information Name Michael Jay Hirtes Also known as MHirtes

Slep

Totem Sanic

Various others Date of Birth 16 April 1964 (age 56) Gender Male Nationality American Race White Occupations A-Log

Ween

Unemployed

Michael Jay "Mike" Hirtes is a 56-year-old man from Council Bluffs, Iowa who has made a name for himself as both an A-Log and a ween. Hirtes, also known as Kiwi Farms member Totem Sanic, has created a multitude of Twitter accounts to follow Chris and spam him, as well as anyone he tweets to, with angry rants and accusations against him. Most of his rants against Chris consist of trite Chris memes and ad hominem attacks. Unlike the vast majority of A-Logs, including Anthony LoGatto himself, Hirtes's socks have actually been responded to by Chris, albeit rarely.

Hirtes was first discovered as a halal member of the Kiwi Farms, where he was outed as the operator of the Twitter account @RektByLife (since deleted), perhaps the most dedicated ween account following Chris at the time. Subsequent developments revealed that not only is Hirtes both older and more immature than Chris, but also that he, too, is unemployed, a furry, prone to tard rage, and has gotten into trouble with the law.[2]

Discovery

Many observers of Chris will have noted the presence of ween accounts in his Twitter replies for some time. However, much attention was not given to these accounts until Michael Hirtes was discovered on the Kiwi Farms.

Hirtes was first called out when Farms member yawning sneasel linked his Kiwi Farms account, Totem Sanic, to his @RektByLife (DaThingsIveSeen) Twitter account based on screencaps he had posted, which showed that he had the same Twitter profile picture as the one @RektByLife used. He was further incriminated when a post by him on the forums surfaced, where he praises DaThingsIveSeen for "doing GodBear's work". Furthermore, on the CWCki Club forums, user Hurtful Truth Level revealed that Totem Sanic had asked for credit mention for a tweet by his @EAT_SHITT_CHRIS (GIGANTIC_STRAW) account that Chris had replied to.

Hirtes subsequently complained about being banned in a forum post, which eventually culminated in his revelation as a gigantic laughing stock.[3] In response to backlash, Hirtes posted a series of angry rants against Kiwi Farms administrator Null and the forum in general on Twitter.

The incriminating pieces of evidence.

Another screencap by Hirtes showing his @RektByLife display picture.

Hirtes asks for "credit mention" in response to a screencap of Chris's reply to his sock's tweet.

Mad at Null and the Kiwi Farms after his discovery.

As a result, Hirtes now has his very own thread on the Kiwi Farms.

Twitter sockpuppets

From tugboat recipient to tugboat recipient.

On Twitter, both before and after he was discovered by the Kiwi Farms, Hirtes has used numerous sockpuppet accounts to reply to Chris's tweets. Most of these replies are cookie-cutter rants chastising Chris for behavior that he, too, has been shown to have exhibited, usually through the use of worn-out Chris memes and ad hominem attacks. When he is not autistically screeching at Chris, Hirtes is often found angrily tweeting at Donald Trump, or he makes rants about the Kiwi Farms and its users. His tweets are characterized by his usual writing style, along with a tendency to capitalize certain words (in contrast with Chris's style of only capitalizing the first letters of these words).

Hirtes sometimes uses other socks in order to reply to or like a tweet posted by one of his accounts. This is reminiscent of how Chris does the same thing with his NightStar2891 account.

He donated a cent to Chris in response to the latter asking for no donations below a dollar.

Other Internet Activities

Hirtes's a-logging isn't just limited to Twitter. Evidence suggests that Hirtes operated multiple sock-puppets in Kiwi Farms, not just his Totem Sanic account. Much like in Twitter, he usually a-logs Chris and occasionally other lolcows. In recent times, with Chris and others finding his Twitter socks more easily, Hirtes has since regulated himself to /cow/, where he continues to troll-shield himself and derailing threads over his hatred towards Chris and his vendetta against Kiwi Farms to this day.[4]





List of sockpuppets

PROTIP: Not all weens are Hirtes. Just because they get angry over Chris on Twitter doesn't mean they should be included here.

IAmTheRealCWC Christian W Chandler Possibly Hirtes' first sock. Created on 22 July 2013. @RektByLife Dathingsiveseen Hirtes' most well-known sock, and the one he primarily operated on prior to his discovery. Created sometime before 16 September 2016. @S_kank_Hunt42 SkankHuntFortyTwo Created on 15 November 2016 @Get_a_job_Chris Chris is A MALE Created on 29 March 2017. @GamestopJerkop Clyde Cash Created on 14 April 2017. @Ghost_bob_BoOoO Ghost Bob Created on 18 April 2017. @shecameforcwc shecameforCWC Created on 21 April 2017. @JULAYYYYYYYYYYY Eviction Notice Created on 21 April 2017. @Nut_ward_nurse Pickle Man Created on 21 April 2017. @CWC_Is_Ugly Lord_Hater Created on 29 April 2017. @LiquidClyde Clyde Cash Created on 1 May 2017. @BRRAAAAINSSSSSS Zombie_Bob Created on 17 May 2017. @CHRIS_IS_MALE Reality Created on 24 May 2017. @TROLLING_SUPER TROLLING SUPER Created on 4 June 2017. @Brute_male_CWC CWCs_Cumsicles Created on 5 June 2017. @CWC_IS_A_PEDO Left_Side_Hater Created on 12 June 2017. @FUKK_U_CHRIS CWC_IS_MALE Created on 13 June 2017. @EAT_SHITT_CHRIS GIGANTIC STRAW Created on 13 June 2017. @CWC_IS_MALE CHRIS_IS_A_FAT_MALE Created on 24 June 2017. @STINKO_MANBABY CHRIS_CANT_STOP_ME Created on 27 June 2017. @PICKLE_RIIIIIICK PICKLE_RICK Created on 15 July 2017. @FLIPPINGUDABIRD BIRD_IS_THE_WORD Created on 19 July 2017. @DangDirtyTroll ItsDahKrumpas Created on 19 July 2017. @YYAH_YYAH_YYAH Dr_Hans_Asperger Created on 20 July 2017. @Nannas_4_Barb FOR_THE_HOARD Created on 2 August 2017. @Bluearmsohno MUGSHOT Created on 4 August 2017. @PICKLE_LICKER DISASTERCHU Created on 5 August 2017. @He_Wont_Get_Any CHRIS_WANTS_LUV Created on 5 August 2017. @VIRGINWITHRAGE WANT_WOMAN Created on 5 August 2017. @FapToTheExtreme JULAY Created on 6 August 2017. @PrayforSorbet Sorbet Created on 8 August 2017. @PISSANDBURN Karate_Cole Created on 8 August 2017. @silens_vigil silens vigil Created on 8 August 2017. @CuntChan69/@TrumpChan69 TrueAndHonestChan/ChrisisTrumpson Only sock that changed name. Created on 10 August 2017. @ItsThisAsshole MisterBungle Created on 16 August 2017. @MarinerSentMe RepoMan Created on 16 August 2017. @Bend0verChris Mariner Finance Created on 16 August 2017. @ScrewyouChris Coca Cola Created on 16 August 2017. @GheyChris Ghey Chris Created on 18 August 2017. @CwcCats Dead CWC Cats Created on 19 August 2017. @ChristiansDuck Pickle Man Created on 26 August 2017. @MANBABY_TANTRUM CHRIS_IS_MAAAAD Created on 27 August 2017. @YoungTrumpChan BlockMeChan Created on 29 August 2017. @Aspergercorn DILDO_ON_FOREHEAD Created on 30 August 2017. @MariaJunice Leslie Barker Created on 30 August 2017. @TheRealCWC93 Christine W Chandler Created on 1 November 2017. @GreedyChrisChan Chris Wants Your Money Created on 5 May 2018. @chris_crybaby Crybaby Chris Created on 7 May 2018. @AndTheCatCameB1 And The Cat Came Back The Very Next Day Created on 17 May 2018. @CHRIS_IS_DOOMED CHRIS_CANT_BLOCK_REALITY Created on 17 May 2018. @AngerJack1 AngerJack Created on 25 May 2018. @GIMME_YER_MONEY I_WANT_MORE_MONEYYYYYY Created on 26 May 2018. @GOTTA_SPEND_IT I_WANT_MORE_MONEYYYY Created on 26 May 2018. @Stress_Sigh Chris Blocks Me Cuz He Knows I'm Telling The Truth Created on 28 May 2018. @Homeless_Saga Eviction Looms For Chris Created on 28 May 2018. @Dimwit_Chris Chris Blocks, I make a new account Created on 28 May 2018. @Pay_Up_Fatso CWCs_BIG_FAT_COURT_FINE Created on 28 May 2018. @ChrisInDenial 1 1/2 minutes to make a new account, Chris Created on 28 May 2018. @BackCwc Bring_Back_Classic_CWC Created on 29 May 2018. @NNNNNNGGGGHHHHH ChrisTard Meltdown Created on 29 May 2018. @They_Just_Dont The Blocks! They Do Nothing! Created on 31 May 2018. @LookAtMeScowl Frowngrade Created on 31 May 2018. @evianwater8 evian water Created on 4 June 2018. @BlocksDontWork Im Watching You Created on 14 June 2018. @BLOCKSDONOTWORK I GAVE YOU MY MOTHER! THERE IS NO EXCUSE!! Created on 21 June 2018. @BlockeeNoStopee IT'ZA ME! GRADUON!! Created on 23 June 2018. @UMadYetChris I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY Created on 23 June 2018. @BAAAAANNNNED GROPEY CHRIS GOT BANNED FROM TOOMANYGAMES Created on 23 June 2018. @ChrisPerv GROPEY CHRIS GOT THE BOOT Created on 23 June 2018. @BanDeeBanBanBan Banned Chris is Banned Created on 23 June 2018. @WAAAAAUUUGGHHHH *AUTISTIC SCREECHING* Created on 23 June 2018. @BannedChan Chan Banned Created on 23 June 2018. @NoUcantNope You Can't Block The Truth Away, Chris Created on 23 June 2018. @Skeevy_Pharmz NOOOOL Created on 27 June 2018. @GetsAwayWithIt Joshua Wise: The hero That CWCville Needs Created on 14 July 2018. @Buy_My_Blanket Chris Chan, the Mom-Punching Floor-Sh*tter Created on 15 July 2018. @Mom_Puncher The Blue-Armed Meanie Created on 15 July 2018 @HNNNNNNNGGGGG HOLY SHIT CHRIS CHAN IS SO FUCKING MAD! Created on 22 July 2018. @GrubbyGrabHands Chris Chan's Comin' to Grope You Created on 26 July 2018. @BroniesBeware Weekend at Chris Chan's Created on 26 July 2018. @BadBadTouches Beware of Chris Chan Created on 27 July 2018. @starvingnalone Barb Chandler, back at the house starving Created on 27 July 2018. @FilthAndFlies The Garbage House at 14 Branchland Court Created on 27 July 2018. @NoGala4CWC Chris Chan Vs The Velvet Rope Created on 28 July 2018. @NoCWCallowed The Grand Galloping CWC-Free Gala Created on 28 July 2018. @BAWWWWWWWW No Gala For Chris Chan Created on 28 July 2018. @Me_Want_Woman Chris Chan's Bathroom Adventure Created on 29 July 2018. @yayKarma Satanic Mechanic Created on 29 July 2018. @bronycons No More BronyCons for Chris Chan Created on 29 July 2018. @NullEat EatMyAssNull Created on 30 July 2018. @acheekiebreekie C͕̥̕ͅR͏̗̳͍A͓͍͔̜̟͢P̹̟̼̭̤͜ͅ ͍͈͈͜C̫͎͞H̷̤͓̼̥ͅÁ̵͏̣̜N͘͘ Created on 1 August 2018. @CwcSaga CWC's Homeless Saga Created on 10 August 2018. @yumadbruhhhhh King Buddole I Created on 4 November 2018. @chan_again ChrisChanLiesAgain Created on 12 November 2018. @WeAreNotAmusedd Disapproving Sonichu Created on 14 November 2018. @PayUpChris MIDLAND LLC Created on 8 January 2019. @nocum4CWC nobodycomesforCWC Created on 20 January 2019. @AaaaaghhhA AAAAAGHHH HATERS AAAAGGHHHH Created on 26 January 2019. @AmongWitch Among Witch Created on 29 January 2019. @MungWitch A MUNG WITCH Created on 4 March 2019.

Notable quotes by Hirtes

“ We all know what a waste of an education was on you, Ian. ” Hirtes replying to Chris' comment to Tara Strong. Surprisingly, Tara liked this reply.

“ YOU HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFETIME TO EARN GOING TO THAT CONVENTION YOU LAZY NAÏVE HACK THEIF[sic] ” Hirtes reacting to his trip to BronyCon.

“ Next thing you know, Chris is gonna confess that he was also DoopieDoOver all along, and we're all gonna be so gobsmacked. Chris is so smart ” Hirtes sarcastically commenting over the possibility of the Doopie Saga.

“ I feel sorry for all of the kids trapped in the same theater Fatty is going to stink up. ” Hirtes' reaction to Chris and Jessica's upcoming movie date.

“ Did you spit or swallow Chris' spunk after you typed that? ” Hirtes' response to a critic.

“ This is all just the calm before the storm, Fatty. When it happens, it will end you.

I know how to wait. ⛈️ ” Hirtes' thinly-veiled threats in response to Chris enjoying himself at MAGfest 2018.

Chris's view on Hirtes

Despite the effort Hirtes put into shitposting thousands of times about Chris, Chris himself barely pays him any attention. He was asked about Hirtes for a Q&A video, in which Chris responded that he felt pity for people like that[1]. In October 2017, nearly a year into Hirtes's spam crusade, Chris tagged his Twitter handle and said[5]:

“ While your comments do come into my view, I take them with the grain of salt, and shield my emotions and mind from your spite. ”

Amusingly, Chris came to Hirtes's defense in a tweet war between the latter and a white knight, saying, "Not all people who identify as furries are bad.[6]"

Chris shared an anecdote about Hirtes to a Planet Dolan member who had complained of being trolled by someone with multiple accounts. Chris said:

“ You block one, that same one comes back behind a different mask/account. Nowadays, I just make sure I do not have notifications turned on with this kid, and let him go on. ” Hirtes only makes Chris stronger[7]

However, this reaction would not last forever as on 16 May 2018, Chris called out Hirtes for his weening. This would result in a flame war between the two people. This ended with Chris subsequently blocking Hirtes' socks from his page. Despite that, Hirtes continues to make sockpuppets to this day, trying in vain to illicit the same response earlier.

Gallery

Leaked high school yearbook photo of Hirtes. He is at the 2nd row and 2nd to the left.

Newspaper article that is commonly misattributed to Hirtes.

Hirtes's first tweet to Chris.

An example of Hirtes's work.

Hirtes replies to himself and likes his own tweets with separate accounts.

Laughing at his own jokes.

Hirtes and the Law.

Hirtes a-logging Chris after MAGfest

Comparing Hirtes and Chris in meme form.

"Fan" video

Michael J. Hirtes

Stardate 30 July 2018 Made By Spelling Bee TRUE and HONEST Sonichu Fan Videos

References

People