So I’m the worst. I meant to take pictures of all of the bad-for-me meals I’ve been loading up on this week in preparation for a life-changing event (coming soon!). Instead, I ate most of them before I could remember to snap a photo with my greasy fingers. But still, I can totally tell you what I’ve been eating this week because IT’S CRAZY. But first, you deserve an explanation.

Two things. One, the kids were at grandma’s house so the hubs and I were on a dining out TEAR. Why not go out every night if you don’t have anyone waiting for you at home needing things like “food” and “water” and “safety”? So we did! But why stop there? I’m about to change the way I eat in a big huge way, so I decided stuffing as much cheese, gluten-free grains, and booze inside my pie hole was the way to go. That was the right decision, yes? I got off to a bang when I went to the Freddy Small’s BBQ in West LA where, yes I did put all of that gluten-free food on my plate! Not pictured, Jim Beam ice cream. YUM. This is a meal I meant to photograph, but ate instead. It was the Surf and Turf fajitas from Tortilla Republic, a new joint in Beverly Hills via Hawaii. The menu looks crazy good, and what’s even better is everything is labeled that is gluten-free. Which is even more helpful when you go into a Mexican style restaurant, as it’s tempting to think you’re safe no matter what you order. I totally would have had carnitas tacos had it not been on the “unsafe” list. So major points for Tortilla Republic’s commitment to safe dining for us sensitives. You will, however, pay through the nose for that amount of safety. But hey, Lisa Vanderpump’s Sur is right next door, so . . . there’s that?

Yes, this is cake. A huge hunking piece of gluten-free chocolate cake from Real Food Daily in Santa Monica. They have a ton of gluten-free and vegan options there, and I just discovered it this week. Sure I decided to simply go with chocolate cake, but at least I know that g-free joint is there when I go back to my lentil-eating ways.

This is a gluten-free and vegan bagel. Some might say, “Hey, April, good choice!” But I think we all know what happens to bagels and cream cheese when you eat them. Yep, it’s a direct deposit into your ass. But it’s dang good going down. (Also, I sure did knock the vegan out of that situation by slathering it in Philadelphia’s finest.)

I’ve written about Firefly before but things just got even better at this Studio City joint. The man and I realized the menu looked totally different this visit and inquired as to what the heck was up. It turns out there’s a new chef who is all about the local, organic business and most of the stuff on the menu is naturally gluten-free. Whether that’s by design or just my own good luck, I’ll take it. I had the chicken with burrata and heirloom tomatoes and the husband had the Halibut. Both GF, both amazeballs.

And of course I had a cocktail or five. This particular one is actually not as guilt-inducing as it’s made from a zero calorie bottle from Cascade Ice Sparkling Water Cosmopolitan edition and vodka. So really it’s almost good for you.

Finally, just last night I went to Franklin & Co. before hitting up UCB where I immediately inquired about the duck fat fries on the menu. The waiter assured me they had their own special, separate fry basket so I should be good. THEN he came back later to say that they were flash-fried with everything else then put in their own fry basket, but for me they’d skip the cross-contamination situation. So that was rad. RAD. That paired with a bourbon flight put me over the edge.

In addition to all of this amazingess I scarfed up a baked potato with steak on top (uh-huh) before we went to see “The Heat” and yesterday I had my last plate of nachos for awhile. I know. It’s SAD. I also hit up P.F. Chang’s for some spicy chicken and Mrs. Winston’s for a giant turkey, avocado, Swiss cheese sammy on Udi’s gluten-free bread. None of these things will be on the menu for quite some time, so I just went for it.

Clearly this amount of food in one week is shameful. I recommend you take this guide and use it for oh, say, three months of eating gluten-free in Los Angeles. Then you won’t have to forgo everything that is good and natural, if not gluten-free. Like I’m about to.

STAY TUNED.