- WELL, DAD, IT WAS REALLYGREAT SEEING YOU. WE'D LOVE TO STAYFOR DINNER, BUT THE FOOD HEREGIVES SHARON DIARRHEA. - WHAT? RANDY! - SHH! JUST TRYING TO LEAVEWITHOUT BEING RUDE. - HOLD ON,HOLD ON JUST A SECOND. I GOT A PRESENTFOR MY GRANDSON. COME HERE, BILLY. YOU'VE GROWN UP, BILLY . IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO HAVESOMETHING EXPENSIVE AND FLASHY TO IMPRESS ALL THE LADIES. - GO AHEAD AND OPEN IT, STAN. OH, LOOK AT THAT. A BOLO TIE. ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL, STAN? - THAT'S 14-KARAT GOLD WITHTURQUOISE AND REAL DIAMONDS. - GRANDPA, HOW MUCHDID YOU SPEND ON THAT? - $6,000. - $6,000?- IT'S WORTH $50,000. THE JEWELS AND GEMSHOPPING NETWORK SAID SO. - DAD, YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPENDINGYOUR RETIREMENT MONEY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS. YOU SHOULD BE SAVING ITFOR WHEN YOU DIE. THAT'S OUR MONEY! - IT'S GORGEOUS, DAD.THANK YOU. OH, AND TOMORROWIS PICTURE DAY AT SCHOOL. STAN CAN WEAR ITFOR HIS PHOTOS. - OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL! THAT'LL MAKE ME FEELREALLY GOOD. WHO'S STAN?

- NICE BOLO TIE, STAN. - THANKS. - BOLO TIES ARE REALLY INRIGHT NOW. IT'S COOL YOU HAVE ONE. - LOOK, IT WAS A GIFTFROM MY GRANDPA, OKAY? AND IT COST A LOT OF MONEY. - NO, DUDE, IT'S BADASS. - IT HAPPENS TO BE WORTH$6,000. - THAT WAS 6 GRAND?- YEAH, DUDE. IT'S A RECREATION OF THEBOLO TIE WORN BY KING HENRY V. - DUDE, IT'S FUCKIN' GAYAS FUCK. - I KNOW. I REALLY WISH IF MY GRANDPAWANTED TO GIVE ME SOMETHING, HE'D JUST GIVE METHE MONEY. - WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ITTO ONE OF THOSE PAWN PLACES? EVERY TWO BLOCKS,YOU SEE A GUY WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS, "CASH FOR GOLDAND JEWELRY." THERE MUST BE A LOT OF PEOPLEDOING IT.

- YOU DIDN'T STEAL THIS,DID YOU? - NO, MY GRANDPA GAVE IT TO MEAS A PRESENT, BUT IT'S WORTH SO MUCH, I FEELREALLY BAD ACCEPTING IT, SO I JUST WANT THE CASH. - IT'S 14-KARAT GOLD,DIAMOND AND TURQUOISE. I'LL GIVE YOU $15. - WHAT? THAT COST MY GRANDPA $6,000. THOSE ARE REAL DIAMONDSON THE OUTSIDE. - YEAH, I CAN'T REALLY MAKEANYTHING ON THE DIAMONDS. I'D HAVE TO SEND ITTO A SMELTER, HAVE IT ALL SMELTED DOWNFOR THE GOLD. PROBABLY COULD MAKEA $10 PROFIT. - 15 BUCKS? - DUDE, THIS GUYIS TRYING TO ROOK US. WE CAN GO SOMEPLACE ELSE. - YEAH, I'M NOT GETTINGTAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. - YOU MAY SUCKOUR COLLECTIVE BALLS, SIR. - DON'T WORRY. THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHERCASH-FOR-GOLD PLACE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. - YEAH, HERE'S ONE. [bells on door jingle] - THESE AREREAL DIAMONDS, RIGHT? - YEAH, DUDE,YOU CAN TEST 'EM. - OKAY.$8. - THIS IS THE SAME BOLO TIEWORN BY KING HENRY V. - $9. - WELCOME TO TACO BELL. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRYOUR DORITOS LOCOS TACOS? - I WANT TO SEEHOW MUCH YOU'LL GIVE ME FOR THIS GOLD AND TURQUOISEDIAMOND BOLO. - 14-KARAT GOLD CATCH YOU$14 A GRAM ON THE OPEN MARKET. GOT ABOUT 4 GRAMS HERE. IT'S NOT REALLYWORTH MY TIME. I GUESS I CAN GIVE YOUA SIX-LAYER BURRITO FOR IT. - A SIX-LAYER BURRITO? - YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN MAKEA SIX-LAYER BURRITO. - ALL RIGHT,A SEVEN-LAYER BURRITO, BUT THAT'S AS HIGHAS I'M GOING!

FOR SOMETHINGBARELY WORTH ANYTHING. HOW? HOW DOES SOMETHINGLIKE THIS HAPPEN? - OKAY, FOLKS,WE ARE COMPL-- HALFWAY COMPLETEWITH TODAY'S BROADCAST. YOU WANT TO GET ON INON THESE DEALS, CALL NOW. NEXT ITEM IS-- THIS IS ITEM NUMBER 45-78111. LOOK AT THESESTUNNING EARRINGS. THESE ARE GENUINEFAUX SAPPHIRE EARRINGS. 14-KARAT GOLD. 86-CARAT FAUX SAPPHIRE. "FAUX" IS A FRENCH WORD. IT'S GOT A "X" IN IT, BUT YOU DON'T EVENPRONOUNCE THE "X." HOW DO YOU LIKE THATFOR PRESTIGIOUS? THESE EARRINGS NORMALLY GOFOR $6 MILLION. WE'RE GONNA SELL THESE TODAYFOR... [sighs] $320. THAT'S A STEAL. NOW--OH,THERE GO THE PHONES. THEY'RE LIGHTING UP. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A SALE?DO WE HAVE A SALE? YEP, LET'S GET HERON THE LINE. HELLO?WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH? - HELLO.MY NAME IS VIVIAN. - VIVIAN, YOU JUST GOTA HECK OF A DEAL. WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME,SWEETHEART? - OH, I-I CAN'T REMEMBER. - YOU CAN'T REMEMBER. WELL, CAN YOU REMEMBERYOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER? - 3-7-1-5--- HOLD ON, VIVIAN. WE'LL GET YOU ONWITH A REP AND TAKE DOWN THAT NUMBER. THANKS FOR SHOPPING WITH US,AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE LOVELY 14-KARATFAUX SAPPHIRE EARRINGS. AT THAT PRICE, YOU PRACTICALLYSTOLE 'EM FROM US.

- DUDE, THAT'S TERRIBLE! - I TOLD YOU GUYS.I'VE BEEN WATCHING ALL DAY. - BUT HOW DO THEYGET AWAY WITH THAT? - THIS IS A NEW TIME,A NEW ERA OF SCIENCE THAT ONLYTHE SMARTEST CAN COMPREHEND. - WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT? - FOR CENTURIES,ALCHEMISTS HAVE TRIED TO COME UP WITH THE FORMULATO MAKE GOLD. WHOEVER COULD DO IT WOULD,OF COURSE, BECOME RICH, AND NOW, THE CHEMICAL EQUATIONIS RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES. - THAT'S THE CHEMICAL EQUATIONFOR GOLD? - THAT'S RIGHT. GUYS WITH"CASH FOR GOLD" SIGNS GETS YOU PEOPLE'SUNWANTED CRAPPY JEWELRY, WHICH, WHEN ADDED TOA CABLE-BASED SHOPPING NETWORK, DIVIDED BY DEMENTED OLD PEOPLE,EQUALS GOLD. - KENNY, WILL YOU TELL CARTMANTO SHUT UP? - SHUT THE FUCK UP, DUDE.YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. - OH, I'M AN ASSHOLEFOR DOING MATH? - OH, MY GARSH!CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? SOMEBODY'S ABOUT TO GET THIS$20,000 TOPAZ AND COPPER RING FOR JUST 4,000 BUCKS. WE'VE GOT OUR BUYERON THE LINE. YOU BUYING THISAS A GIFT, SIR? - NO, I'M BUYING IT AS A GIFTFOR MY GRANDSON, BILLY. - GRANDPA?

- HOW ABOUT THAT, FOLKS? THAT IS BRAZILIAN EMERALD. FINEST EMERALD AVAILABLE. WE'RE LETTING THIS ONE GOFOR $14.95 EZ PAY. EZ PAY. WE CALL IT THATTO SAVE YOU TIME. "E-Z" IS AN ABBREVIATIONOF "EASY." $14.95 EZ PAY AND--WHAT'S THAT? OKAY, ALL RIGHT,I JUST GOT WORD, WE ARE DROPPINGTHE "Z" FROM EZ PAY. IT'S NOW JUST E PAY. BY USING THE WORD "E PAY" INSTEAD OF TAKING ALL THAT TIMETO SAY, "EZ PAY," WE'RE SAVING YOUA SECOND OF TIME, AND THOSE SECONDS ADD UP. GO AHEAD AND TRY IT. SAY, "E PAY," 5,000 TIMES. THAT'S 5,000 SECONDS. NINE HOURSWE JUST SAVED YOU HERE ON J&GSHOPPING NETWORK. NOT WASTING YOUR TIME HERE. YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO BUYTHIS ONE. YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIMELEFT, LITERALLY. PASS THIS ONE DOWN TO YOUR KIDS,YOUR GRANDKIDS. SHOW 'EMYOUR LIFE HAD MEANING. - GRANDPA. - YOU SEE THAT, BILLY? THAT'S AN EMERALDON 14-KARAT GOLD. DON'T YOU THINK YOUR SISTERWOULD LIKE THAT? - SHE DOESN'T LIKE JEWELRY,GRANDPA. - HA! WELL,SHE WILL ONE DAY. SHE'LL APPRECIATE IT. SHE'S--SHE'S JUST A BABY,AFTER ALL. - SHE'S NOT A BABY, GRANDPA.SHE'S 13. - SALLY'S 13? RIGHT.RIGHT. BOY. BILLY,DID I EVER TELL YOU I USED TO HAVE A BORDER COLLIENAMED PATCHES? - YES, GRANDPA. - I LOVED THAT DOG. SHE ALWAYSMADE ME SO HAPPY. WHEN SHE DIED, I-I DIDN'TLET MYSELF GET TOO SAD, 'CAUSE I THOUGHT--THOUGHT I'D ALWAYS HAVE THE MEMORY OF HERSLOBBERING, HAPPY FACE. I CAN'T REMEMBERWHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE, BILLY. HUH. [sighs] - DON'T WORRY, GRANDPA. I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THIS.

- HEY, CRAIG,WHAT'S GOING ON? TOKEN, BET YOUR MOMHAS SOME OLD JEWELRY SHE WOULDN'T NOTICE MISSING. BEBE! YOU GOT THOSE RHINESTONESIN YOUR EARRINGS. HOW 'BOUT SOME WALKING CASH? I CAN PROBABLY OFFER YOU--- WHOOP! - BUTTERS,WHAT THE FUCK? - SORRY, MY ARMS HURT. - [mockingly]"MY ARMS HURT." PICK THE FUCKING SIGN UP,BUTTERS! THIS IS A BUSINESS! - HEY, HOW MUCH WILL YOUGIVE ME FOR THIS? - OH, UH, 3 BUCKS. - OKAY. - WE GOT CRAPPY JEWELRY,BUTTERS. NOW ALL WE NEEDARE SOME OLD PEOPLE.

- AND THAT'S IT. WE'VE JUST SOLD THIS BRACELETTO MISS MARSHA TUBBS. MARSHA, THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR YOUR CALL. YOU JUST GOT YOURSELFA HECK OF A DEAL ON THIS ONE. YOU THERE, MARSHA? - UH...[horn blaring in traffic] I'M LOST. I'M LOST,WALKING ON THE FREEWAY. - ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE LOST,WALKING ON A FREEWAY. ENJOY THE TIGER'S EYEAQUAMARINE BRACELET. ALL RI--OKAY,WHAT SHOULD WE DO NEXT? OH, I SEE ONE.HERE'S A GOOD'UN. LET ME--LET ME--LET ME SET STAGEFOR YOU HERE. YOU'RE GOING TO THATSENIOR'S COCKTAIL PARTY. IT'S BINGO NIGHT. YOU'RE LOOKINGFOR SOMETHING TO WEAR. HOW ABOUT A 13-CARATPANZOTOPANZANITE RING? THIS IS--OH, WE GOT A CALLERALREADY ON THIS ONE. HELLO, SIR, YOU MUST BE A FANOF PANZOTOPANZANITE. - YEAH, HI.UM, YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF. - WHAT'S THAT? - I SAID,"YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF." WHAT YOU DOIS SORT OF UNJUSTIFIABLE, AND YOU KNOWIT'S UNJUSTIFIABLE, AND YOU DON'T CARE. YOU'RE THE DEFINITIONOF EVIL. KILL YOURSELF. - OKAY, WE'RE GONNA SELLTHIS RING FOR JUST $3,795. HOW'S THAT? - I JUST READ THATTHE DAY SHOPPING NETWORKS MAKE MOST OF THEIR MONEYIS ON THE DAY SENIORS PICK UPSOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS. KILL YOURSELF. - ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU SHOULDN'TSAY THINGS LIKE THAT, 'CAUSE SOME HOSTOF A JEWELRY CHANNEL SURE MIGHT UP AND DO IT, AND THEN YOU'D FEELREALLY BAD. - NO, I WOULDN'T. - YES, YOU WOULD. - NO, BECAUSE I REALLYWANT YOU TO KILL YOURSELF. - ALL RIGHT, WELL,HOW ABOUT THIS? IF A JEWELRY NETWORK HOSTGOES HOME TONIGHT AND BLOWS HIS BRAINS OUT,YOU MIGHT BE LIABLE. THAT'S A LAWSUIT WORTH$2.7 MILLION. HOW DOES THAT SOUND? - I DON'T CAREWHAT HAPPENS TO ME. I CARE ABOUT MY GRANDFATHER, YOU MORALLY EMPTY,CORRUPTED MAGGOT. - ALL RIGHT,I TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL BRING THE LAWSUIT DOWNTO $29,39-- - NO, NO, IT DOESN'T MATTERWHAT PRICE YOU PUT ON ANYTHING! YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO RIGHTTHE WRONGS YOU'VE DONE AND REPAY ALL THE ELDERLY PEOPLEWHOSE LIVES YOU'VE DESTROYED IS TO KILL YOURSELF. - [clears throat] WELL, YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY,BUT THAT'S-- THAT'S CALLING UP AND TELLINGSOMEONE TO KILL THEMSELF. THAT'S NOT A JOKE. - I'M NOT JOKING.DO IT.

NEXT ITEM WE'RE GONNA DO IS,UH, 55-216... UH, 775...5. THIS IS--OH, MY GOD.LOOK AT THIS, YOU GUYS. THIS IS 200-CARAT BRAZILIANEMERALD AND PLASTECINE RING. I'M GONNA START THE BIDDINGFOR THIS RING AT, UM-- LET'S SEE-- $8 BILLION. $8 BILLION, OPENING BID. WE'VE GOT TO SELL THIS RINGTODAY. TELL YOU WHAT, I'M GONNATAKE IT DOWN A LITTLE. WE'RE GONNA DROP THAT PRICETO $75.95. AT THIS PRICE, IT'S NOTGONNA LAST FOR LO-- OH, WE GOT A CALL ALREADY,BUTTERS? BUTTERS? LOOKS LIKE--DID WE SELL IT? YEP. $75.95. THAT'S WHAT THE RINGJUST SOLD FOR. DO WE HAVE THE BUYERON THE LINE? HELLO? - HELLO? - YES, YOU JUST BOUGHT THISLOVELY 200-CARAT RING. HOW DO YOU FEEL, MRS.-- - THIS IS MRS. APPLEBEEON 24 PALMARK LANE. - CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING,MRS. APPLEBEE? DO YOU LIKEFUCKING LITTLE BOYS? - I'M SORRY? - JUST WONDERING IF YOUFUCK KIDS ALL THE TIME, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU JUST DIDWITH THIS DEAL. YOU JUST GOT AN $8 BILLION RINGFOR $75.95. YOU FUCKED ME GOOD,MRS. APPLEBEE. CONGRATULATIONS, MA'AM.- THANK YOU. - WERE YOU JUST FLIPPINGTHROUGH THE CHANNELS AND SAW ME SELLING THIS RINGAND THOUGHT, "MMM, I'D LIKETO FUCK THAT KID"? - I THOUGHT IT'D BEA LOVELY GIFT FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTERJESSICA. SHE'S CAPTAIN OF THE DEBATE TEAMAT JEFFERSON HIGH SCHOOL. - OKAY, THANKS FOR SHOPPINGWITH US. I GOTTA GO GET THE TASTE OFOLD LADY DICK OUT OF MY MOUTH. - GOOD-BYE. - BYE. MAN, THAT'S GOOD ACTING. I SHOULD GET AN AWARD.

[cheers and applause] ♪ [clinking] [raspberry] [sizzling and bubbling] - DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAWHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE TO START LOSINGYOUR MEMORIES? NO, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVESOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE SUFFERING FROM ALZHEIMER'S! WELL, I DO! - LOOK, KID, IF YOU GOT A BEEFWITH THE SYSTEM, YOU'RE TALKINGTO THE WRONG PEOPLE! ALL WE DO IS SMELTER DOWN WHAT WE GET FROMTHE CASH-FOR-GOLD PLACES. - YEAH? WELL,THERE'S AN OLD HINDU SAYING, "WHOEVER SMELT ITDEALT IT!" - YEAH!- THAT'S RIGHT! - WE AREN'T THE ONESWHO DENIED YOU WHAT YOUR JEWELRYWAS REALLY WORTH! THE HINDU SAYING IS ACTUALLY, "MAI NAHI CHAHAATA PANEE." - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - "WHOEVER DENIED ITSUPPLIED IT." [dramatic music] - YOU ARE THE SCUMSOF THE EARTH. OLD PEOPLE ARE VICTIMIZEDBY SHOPPING NETWORKS, AND YOU KICK BACKIN YOUR FAT CAT MANSIONS, MAKING BILLIONS! - WE AREN'T MAKINGTHAT MUCH, FELLAS. - YOU'RE NOT? - WHY DON'T YOUYELL AT THE PEOPLE WHO MELT THE GOLD DOWN? THE OLD HINDU SAYING IS,"WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT." - YEAH!- THAT'S RIGHT! - NUH-UH. IT'S, "WHOEVERDENIED IT SUPPLIED IT." - YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG. THE JEWELRY THAT THOSESHOPPING NETWORKS SELL DON'T EVEN COME FROM US. IT'S ALL MADE IN INDIA, WHERE THOSE HINDU RHYMESCOME FROM! - WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,GUSTOV? MY, GOD, DO YOU MEAN-- - THAT'S RIGHT. WHOEVER MADE THE RHYMEDID THE CRIME. [dramatic music]

[bells on door jingle]HELLO? - OH, WELCOME! WELCOME TO DISCOUNTJEWELRY STORE! - YEAH, LISTEN. I'M RUNNINGA RESALE BUSINESS, BUT I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF PEOPLE'S UNWANTED,CRAPPY JEWELRY TO KEEP UP, SO I'D LIKE TO BUYSOME OF YOURS. - OH, YOU DOSO GOOD BUSINESS! YOU SO CLEVER! - I GET BY. LET'S SEE, I'M GONNA NEEDSOME GOLD NECKLACES, DIAMOND BRACELETS,AND EMERALD EARRINGS. - OKAY.WHAT EMERALD YOU LIKE? - UH, I DON'T KNOW. I GUESSI'LL TAKE THAT RING THERE. - OH, YOU MAKESO GOOD CHOICE! OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL!LOOK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL! [clapping] - AND, UH, MAYBEI'LL TAKE THAT ONE FOR $300. - OH, THAT'S BEST ONE!YOU SO CLEVER! YOU TAKE ADVANTAGEMY LOW PRICES! - HOW ABOUT THAT TANZANITEBRACELET FOR $9.95? - YOU GOT GOOD EYE!YOU SO CLEVER! I GETTING TAKEN ADVANTAGE! YOU "RIKE" A FUCKASIAN "RADY"? - WHAT'D YOU SAY? - I KNOW! YOU WALK BY MY STOREAND YOU SAY, "OH,THERE'S NICE ASIAN LADY. I THINK I GO INAND I FUCK HER!" YOU ASIAN LADY FUCKER,YOU. - WAIT A MINUTE. HOW MUCH DO YOU PAYFOR THIS STUFF? - OH, I PAY THOUSANDS, AND YOU COME HEREAND FUCK ME! - OKAY, QUIT THE ACT. I'M NOT FUCKING YOU,AND YOU KNOW IT. - NO, NO!YOU FUCK ME! - NO, NO! YOU FUCK ME!FUCK YOU!

[Indian music] - ♪ MY BALLS, MY BALLS,SUCK 'EM DRY ♪ ♪ [clears throat] - OH, SORRY. SORRY. - YOU SEE, I'M LOOKINGTO CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN. I WANT TO BUY MY JEWELRYDIRECT FROM YOU SO THAT--MOTHERFUCKERS! - YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMEDOF THE PEOPLE IN AMERICA THAT YOU ARE EXPLOITING! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGEOF THOSE LESS FORTUNATE! - YOU DIRTY,DOUBLE-CROSSING ASSHOLES! YOU TRYING TO CUT ME OUT,HUH? YOU GUYS STOLE MY FORMULA,THEN TRIED TO FUCK ME-- BUTTERS!- SORRY! - AND THEN TRIED TO FUCK MEOUT OF YOUR BUSINESS! - WE'RE NOT FUCKING YOU! THEY'RE FUCKINGSTAN'S GRANDPA! - NO! THEY'RE GETTINGFUCKED BY ASIAN LADIES! - SOMEBODY IS AT THE HEADOF ALL THIS, AND SOMEBODY NEEDS TO PAY! ALL I WANT IS SOMEGODDAMN RETRIBUTION FOR MY GODDAMN GRANDPA! NO! NOT A DIAMONDAND GOLD NECKLACE!

- WHAT'S HE DOING? [weird mouth music] ♪ ♪ [vocal melodies intensify] ♪ [tempo picks up] ♪ [song ends] - OH, YEAH. ACTUALLY,THIS MIGHT KIND OF WORK.

WHICH IS PRETTY COOL,I GUESS-- NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE--AND WE BASICALLY LEARNED THAT WHOEVER SMELT IT,DENIED IT, AND RHYMED IT ACTUALLY DEALT IT. - AH, SOUNDS LIKEYOU HAD A FUN WEEKEND. - YEAH, I GUESS SO. ANYWAY, GRANDPA,I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING. - OH, FOR ME? OH. MY GOD. THERE SHE IS. OLD PATCHES. THERE'S THAT SLOBBERING,HAPPY FACE. THANK YOU, BILLY. THAT MEANS A LOT. BILLY, THAT--THAT BOLO TIEYOU'RE WEARING? - YEAH? - I DON'T KNOWWHERE YOU GOT THAT, BUT IT'S FUCKIN' GAYAS FUCK. - COOL, I-I WON'T WEAR ITANYMORE. - THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.