A service that invites even the most befuddled of amateur necromancers to ask us anything about ghouls, zombies, and harrowing (un)life as a liche. Let our necromancy advice column be your guide. Ask us about Necromancy

izziepoptarts asked: Why is it that so many people ask you questions? No offense, I just didn't expect there to be so many necromancers out there... necromanswers: Well, we mostly rely on word of mouth for other necromancers to hear about us, so I spill a pint of innocents’ blood every night so that I can scrawl the ritual sigils that force the dark power to provide me with reblogs. No dread sorcerer worth his salt would leave himself at the will of the fickle magicks of SEO and Google Adwords.

Anonymous asked: Who is your necromantic role model? Who is your favourite modern necromancer? I’d like to think that I’m a good role model for myself. 17th century me in particular has been one of my biggest influences. However, if you’d like for me to select from a list of “modern” necromancers, I’d say my role model is Professor Egon Spengler. His ability to delve into the hard science of the supernatural and mix it with his understanding of arcane sorcery is impressive enough, but his ability to function as the head of a small business and pillar of the local community is what sets him above the rest. While he wears a flesh mask to pass for human, the shape of his skull is often visible just beneath the thin veil of mortality. The frames of his glasses help disguise the outline of his pitted eye sockets, but his glamour is the least convincing of his sorceries. He augments this by posing as a professional exorcist, allowing him and his so-called “ghostbusters” access to the undead and keeping them above suspicion at all times. Wears a white robe cleverly disguised as a lab coat. Admirable traits about the Dread Lord Spengler: Uses strange artefacts (the so-called PKE meter) to gaze into spirit world Demonstrated dominion over shades, spectres, poltergeists, etc. which he keeps in stockpiles in his lair for future experimentation Befriends creatures of the netherplane, not least of which Slimer, but also noted daemon Bill Murray Dabbles in fields of science and metaphysics beyond mortal ken, without fear of harming broad swathes of the local mortal population Maintains an impressive fortress, fortified in the centre of a city gripped by constant supernatural panic Drives a dread conveyance fuelled by the shrieking the souls of the damned Followed into supernatural confrontation by loyal army of human thralls, risking their lives at his smallest request

artisticparadox asked: Hey are you accepting any novice necromancer apprentices? you should teach me just like you taught thesaxdude We’ve spoken before about the NecromAnswers apprenticeship program for talented sorcerers, but clearly interest remains high among those who would benefit from our infernal tutelage. We’re proud to announce the continuation of our efforts to help disadvantaged would-be masters of the arcane through a new apprenticeship that we’re calling the NecromAnswers Disinternship Program.

How to apply: Carve http://www.necromanswers.com into your chest with a sharp knife. Stand directly above a six-foot long hole in the ground. See Fig. 1. Gently coax your soul out of your body, ideally using hemlock, nightshade, or any means that will not compromise your bodily integrity. Attempt to steer your new corpse directly into the open grave. Ensure your arms and legs are within the grave. Fig. 1: Pictured above, a typical application for a necromantic apprenticeship.

Check out our FAQ below! 1. Why disinternships? We found that, passionate though they claimed to be about necromancy, few graduates of our Summer Camp for Skilful Sorcerers were willing to make the plunge and go for full lichedom. We’ve decided to cut out the middleman and only teach those who are already dead. 2. What guarantee do we have that we won’t be resurrected to perform menial tasks as a skeleton? Not to worry, skeletons are terrible at menial tasks; their bony fingers lack the grip necessary to carry trays or make tea. In the event that your undead husk is to be used eternally as some low rent servant, it will almost certainly be as a ghoul or zombie. 3. How do I know you won’t leave me (for) dead? We prefer not to think of this as “death,” it’s just the first step on the long and enriching journey into unlife. Besides, no competent necromancer would never waste a free corpse. That would just be wasteful. 4. Will I be required to fashion my own phylactery ahead of time? No, that will not be necessary. We wouldn’t have you waste precious mana on such a pointless exercise! 5. … but how will you ensure that our souls can be safely recovered from the netherplane when our bodies are resurrected? Teething issues like this will be addressed on orientation day. See you on the other side!

Anonymous asked: I will not hide that I am indeed an adventurer, though I've never been one to attack a necromancer without due cause. I've even made some necromatic allies! I'll admit, though, that as time wears on I see my arcane friends remain ageless while the end of my adventuring days gets ever closer. I wanted to know if there were any magics I might seek out that could bind me to this plane, but in a better shape for full adventuring than a lich? Are there any services I might pay for to accomplish this? Greetings, lichedom-inclined adventurer!

Unfortunately, you have made the all-too typical mistake of believing the liche with whom you’ve allied yourself to be a “friend.” Sadly, you’ve misread the intent; the relationship between necromancer and mortal is most closer to that of “investor” than friend. While the careful necromancer will try to ensure your safety and loyalty, it is with the ultimate goal of maximising your usefulness as a resource1 later. After all, what good is your skeleton if you go and get bundle of your bones crushed in some crass misadventure. Given that you would like to continue in “better shape […] than a lich,” I am pleased to report that that is very likely (as long as your list of things in better shape than a lich includes zombies, skeletons, ghouls, mummies, and twisted phantasms). Still, it’s not all bad news. You can rest assured that you will be bound to this plane eternally, but you may also need to recalibrate your expectations for future “adventuring”: Shambling



Fetching spell components and grimoires



Carving vast glyphs into the hilltops surrounding your “friend’s” lair



Disinterring the deceased so that they can become vital 2 component in a growing undead horde



component in a growing undead horde Fighting off hordes of the undead3

P.S. Please excuse the recent break in our service. We had become disenchanted and it was necessary to marshal the dread energies of the underworld to facilitate a return to power. 1. Corpse 2. Though lacking any vitality 3. Acolytes of other necromancers only, this will be as messy as it is confusing

Anonymous asked: Some of my friends (who are unaware that I am in fact a 700 year old liche and not just another office worker) have been worried about the zombie apocalypse recently, and while I had previously scoffed at the idea, they got me thinking... Even though it is extremely unlikely, what if some other, non-necromancy force began reanimating the dead and using up all the perfectly useful corpses? How could we necromancers respond to such a problem? While many necromancers scoff at the idea of a widespread zombie event without a powerful sorcerer at its head, we can examine the concept in the abstract. In the event of an attack by, for example, plague zombies, the average necromancer stands to gain tremendously. Remember always that the humble liche is immune to the pathogens that would reduce a mortal to a zombie. Moreover, the abundance of corpses should ensure easy access to the raw materials necessary for necromantic study. It is hard to picture a scenario in which the necromancer does not benefit from a necrotic horde that does not already find itself under the control of a sorcerer. Fig. 1: The slightest slip can reveal to your co-workers that you’re not just another work-a-day joe like them. Guard your sorcerous tongue! Still, despite it not being the question you asked, I’m most impressed by your offhand reference to the fact that you maintain an office job despite your status as liche in his eighth century. If nothing else, our readers can learn from you the extent of an elder-liche’s power. Many necromancers could learn from your approach. Rather than seclude yourself, blind the mortals you work with, use your dark rituals to shroud yourself and befriend them. Invite them to your black tower to feast at the charnel barbecue. Ask if they’ll help you “move house” and then utilise their labour in the construction of your shadow crypt. There is often no good substitute for fleshed-fingers, conscript your co-workers so that their supple skin can be put to work cataloguing of grimoires in your forbidden library! Never underestimate the office liche. Though he eschews the robes of his order, his business-casual attire leaves his arms free for the casting of complex magics.

Anonymous asked: The local constabulary is getting suspicious of the young warriors spotted going up to my manor and never returning. For the last group, I made them kill each other and convinced the authorities it was a suicide pact. I used to rely on the passing of the constable and poor paperwork to get by, but these days computer systems are making the pattern too obvious. I only moved into this manor 400 years ago and I don't want to vacate, what should I do? Ah, gone are the days when a four-century stay in a hilltop manor were something a liche could expect to get away with. Now, four centuries is considered an almost suspiciously long stretch! Still, there are (non-magical) avenues available to you that can help ameliorate the issues brought on by accurate paperwork and digital records. Have you considered the many opportunities offered by a career in law enforcement? Fig. 1: Above, a totally ordinary police constable on the beat. One would never suspect that he is also… a necromancer. That’s right! Thanks to the average human’s inability to distinguish between faces in uniform, a powerful liche such as yourself can easily rise through the ranks of the local constabulary and divert any unwanted attention away from your dread fortress. From now on, the only prying eyes trying to get a look at your business will belong to the scrying orbs of rival sorcerers desperate to steal from your black library. Moreover, necromancers are already adept at taking advantage of the internal power structure of any unholy cabal; once you’re on the force, you should quickly ascend to the top of their hierarchy, giving you all the access you need to slowly erase any and all records that might lead nosy, human police to investigate your stronghold. If you’re feeling particularly enterprising, you could also just install some ghouls on the force, after all, they’d help cut down on crime. There is no better deterrent than the constant threat of being seized by a team of feral subhumans. By the time you’re done, they’ll be afraid to go out at night at all. Fig. 2: The disguise is impenetrable. The uniforms acts as a mundane equivalent of the usual glamour. They keep giving him distinguished service medals. He’s a goddamned hero.

Anonymous asked: After centuries of devoted study in the necromantic arts I now fear that the very specialisation I once strove towards has left me insufficiently equipped to deal with the many rigours of the modern magical world. I think the best way to increase my arcane flexibility would be to invest some of my dread energies in a secondary school. But there's so many to pick from! Is there any specific magical school which would mesh well with my pre-existing skill in the dark and forbidden arts? In cases like this, I always find it useful to consider the counterpoint. You feel as though the modern magical world is leaving you behind, but have you considered that this may be a good thing? As a liche, what have you really gained from modern magic? Be honest, when was the last time you used a spell that was less than five hundred years old? Fig 1: Above left, a pathetic illusionist, holding a worthless illusory orb. You could always throw it at someone, but it is, of course, weightless. If there’s one thing that necromancy has, it’s staying power. Interrogating the spirits of the dead has been a noble tradition for as long as things have been dying, now is not the time to cross-skill into a lesser art of the arcane. Consider any of the more recent additions to the tree of mysteries… do you think we’re still going to be seeing illusionists in two centuries’ time?1 Do you remember around the 18th century, when everyone wanted to be an enchanter? Whatever happened to all those mentalists and mesmerists? None of this is to say that you shouldn’t diversify. It’s great that you’re interested in fitting in with the ephemeral world around you, but remember that there’s a very good reason the necromancer has a reputation for retiring to a crypt for centuries at a time, communicating with the outside world only by means of undead messengers and human thralls. Still, if you’re determined to “keep up” with the world around you, you may do better to take an interest in more mundane arts. Thanks to their familiarity with darkened, dank environments and eyes used to the eldritch flares of other planes, a liche can often find a healthy sideline in DJing. Your hideous, undead appearance will also help you to establish yourself in the local rave scene. The newer branches of magic though? Fads, rubbish, they’ll never catch on. Magic is ephemeral, rave is forever.



1. As with so many things, the greatest strength an illusionist has is the ability to simulate a horde of the undead, giving the impression that he is a powerful necromancer and not a totally worthless illusionist.

glempy asked: Everyone knows that liches live for ever. But if that's the case, why aren't there undead wizards and mummified magicians everywhere? Did we reach "peak liche" somewhere in the far distant past and are now suffering from the natural whittling of numbers at the hands of adventurers or hubris? Or are we still in the early days of necromantic proliferation? This is an excellent question! While you’re technically correct in that liches can live forever, what you need to keep in mind is that many liches have minds too addled by their own spellcraft to keep a low profile. There is solid foundation to the stereotype of a liche too intent on his own babbling to notice that a hero has slipped his bonds and is approaching the black altar. The truth is that we hit peak liche sometime in the middle ages, not long after the Black Death swept across Europe. As every dark sorcerer knows, plagues are a boon to practitioners of the necromantic arts. Unfortunately, a particularly virulent strain can also threaten the living necromancer.1 As a result of the unusually high volume of deaths, the boundary between our world and the shadowlands of the afterlife was weakened. The combination of mortal danger and easy ascension to lichedom ensured that many necromancers who would otherwise failed were able to bind their souls to this plane. Moreover, after the plague there was a glut of bodies to work with, and far fewer people left to spot the tentative liche at his delicate work. Consider also the relatively high number of villages and isolated hilltop houses (or towers) from which a necromancer could work while still having access to fresh bodies. Now, of course, the average liche is under more immediate threat from things as mundane as bureaucracy. The world has become so thoroughly documented that these days it’s quite difficult for a liche to do something as seemingly simple as fake his own death every seventy years and reappear a few months later as a “lost son” to claim the family estate. Too many death lords have failed to modernise and so been sent to a premature final death. Less powerful or careful liches are apprehended every day. The close proximity of modern living has made it more likely for mortals to sense the dread aura of the dedicated sorcerer. As ever, the issue is compounded by profession’s characteristic hubris. Just the other day, I saw a necromancer apprehended because of a careless tweet…2 It is possible that the number of liches continues to grow, but so secretly that even the liches themselves aren’t aware of it, but it’s unlikely. You just need to keep in mind that you can dramatically extend you lifespan with a good liche plan.



1. Despite being a master of the arcane, the average necromancer is still subject to the frailties of living flesh. 2. Most liches are saved from the worst hazards of the smartphone age by the fact that our skinless fingers cannot operate a touchscreen. Ironically, it is only those powerful enough to becapable of maintaining flesh that suffer this way. Our most talented are robbed from us.

thesaxdude-deactivated20171017 asked: Hello i am wondering if anyone could show me how to start necromancy and if someone is not too judgmental of um things lets say message me at tumblr if possible or facebook at Charlie White. (pingu profile pic) For every necromancer, there comes a day that he must accept that even lichedom has its limitations. Much as I expect to live forever, there are still ways and means by which I may be dispatched and banished from this plane. It is in consideration of these possibilities that most necromancers will choose a promising mortal and teach them the forbidden lores of our craft. Few mortals are brave or audacious enough to contact a liche directly. Many are deterred by the plague miasma or the necrotic aura. Still others venture forth only to have the life crushed from them by the array of wards and traps set in place by the tomb kings. Few have the ingenuity to avoid these things through the careful use of the face book.1 As the secret knowledge passes from one generation to the next, I ask only that the rest of you, able necromancers all, welcome my new apprentice, Charlie. I have no doubt that he will work fell magics beyond even my wildest ambitions.



1. Now, as ever, the LibreFaces is most often employed to disguise the true appearance of the amateur sorcerer, that they might elicit the help of more powerful warlocks without incurring their wrath.