Featuring Julia Morizawa! Hear more from her: JuliaMorizawa.com

In this broadcast, you get turned off from pork, out of failure springs a beautiful tree, we get a lecture in the arts, Corin and Soundman try to work out their problems, you put on an extra sock, and Aubrey Rose “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

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Intro: What you are about to hear is the sound of it clapping.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help to inspire the greatest minds in the business to do Evil at greater rates, and with more fervor. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Shareholders, last time I had the chance to speak with you we were all witness to the culmination of over a year’s worth of research in the Division of Erotic Experiences. It happened to culminate in something very bad awful nasty, but at least it culminated. I am told that they have begun work on other things, which I will get into later in the announcements. Dave has returned to his position in finance with only a negligible dip in productivity. Patricia has returned to her job in the Division of Social Engineering with a significant drop in productivity. The barbecue place in the cafeteria has seen a significant drop in sales of pork products as well. I don’t blame the employees. That experience was enough to turn me off of pig for a good while. As promised, I punished everyone working under Jasmine Aashna at the DEE. We’ve taken a small piece out of the flesh of each one of them, and used those pieces to fertilize what we’re calling The Failure Tree on the forest lawn.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the cable stuck in the back of your neck. Don’t try to look. It’s behind you, so you can’t see it. Unless you have eyes in the back of your head. And if you do have eyes in the back of your head, then we’re still sorry about that, Janet. It was an honest mistake, okay? Do not try to feel for the wire either. It is attached directly to your consciousness, and any sudden movements might just fucking kill you. Or send your mind deep into an abyss you always had the suspicion was there inside of you. The wire itself is fiber optic, if that helps. The frequency response, I am told, is entirely dependent on your imagination. The noise level is very low, with the exception of all of those intrusive thoughts you can’t seem to get in control of. This radio, if we can call it that, and we in fact cannot because it’s a hard line, is the product of our collaboration with Umbilical Informational Technologies, a company that also makes those cards-on-a-cable people use in casinos to just sit there and let the machine slowly drain away their metaphorical life force. They’re really great at this Evil stuff. I mean, did you even notice that wire going in? Fucking rad.

The CEO Festival of the Dance was a smashing success. If you don’t count the dance troupe all dressed like me that then proceeded to do a slapstick sequence that made me look like a giant buffoon. Or the duo that dressed as me and Melantha, and then proceeded to have her humiliate me. Or the trio that dressed like a huge version of me, and ended their dance number by sticking my head up my own ass. Message received. And they all tied for fourth place, which, as you know, is the place that gets to test some of the incomplete roller coasters at the Mega Thrillz theme park in Christhole Texas. There was no one in first, second, or third.

You should have received a pamphlet with the recommended stretching routine for the upcoming Festival of Somnambulation. We can’t say yet what you’ll be doing, and we really don’t have to because you won’t remember anyway. But it’s important for your health and safety that you do the stretches.

We’re also preparing for the Festival of Fertility, where anyone with some egg cells in their body can come down and get ‘em fertilized. We’re not revealing yet how we’ll be going about that, but I am told it should be really exciting. Also remember to bring down your punch card. I know that some of you are almost getting to the free medium sized sedan after your seventh Evil child.

Shareholders, there has been an interesting development in the lobby here at Kakos Industries. We don’t have confirmation yet, but I think I know who is responsible. You see a large sculpture has appeared in the lobby, but in place of marble, or bronze, or papier mache, the typical sculpting materials, it is constructed out of living, and seemingly quite miserable people.

(Noise)

Belinda: Did I time this right? I apologize if I didn’t. It’s my first time interrupting a broadcast. Corin, promise to be a caring and instructional partner as I make my interruptional debut.

Corin: Gross. Shareholders, may I introduce Belinda Negativ, CEO of Negativ Space. It is CEO, right?

Belinda: I prefer Head Visionary.

Corin: Then I take it this sculpture is your doing? I thought as much.

Belinda: It has been so long since I heard from you, I thought I would send you a token of my admiration.

Corin: And here I thought you were mad at me.

Belinda: How could I be mad at you? You’re just a gosling, brand new to the ways of Evil. Merely an Evil shoat. You don’t know yet how you misbehave and what repercussions you should encounter.

Corin: A shoat? I feel like I’ve been weaned for a little while, Belinda.

Belinda: A peachick.

Corin: For those of you who have never visited Belinda’s building or made use of her services, and why would you when you have us, the aesthetic is a bit odd.

Belinda: YOU KNOW NOTHING OF AESTHETICS, HOGLET.

Corin: They like to wear masks and clothing that invert their natural coloring in the grayscale. Like a film… uh, ne-

Belinda: We wear masks because our work speaks for itself. It needs no author.

Corin: Well, except for you.

Belinda: My apprentices know that they are anonymous and that they hand themselves over to my artistic whim. They organize themselves emergently. We have no need for titles or hierarchies.

Corin: Negativ Space focuses on artistic creation, and artful interpretations of the truth. Advertising, smear campaigns, hacking…

Belinda: And sculpture.

Corin: Yes. I assume this particular sculpture is in response to… what I said.

Belinda: Corin, I’ve forgiven you. You didn’t know anything. You were a silly little whelp making silly little puppy howls. It’s hard to stay angry at that.

Corin: When I was first taking over this job, Belinda invited me to a party. A masquerade. Except, I didn’t want to wear a mask. I mean, we do all of our Evil openly. When you’re here our faces and names are exposed. So I said…

Belinda: Let’s not rehash the past, puggle.

Corin: I said that masks were dumb. And cowardly. Everybody at the party did that really animated taken-aback-gasp thing.

Belinda: Let us cease this line of discussion, or we may need to make this rowdy colt into a gelding.

Corin: So you’re still mad.

Belinda: Of course not. I channel my feelings into my work. And when those feelings fester, and an earnest apology is not received, well, the urge to create takes on a life of its own.

Corin: Yeah, you mad.

Belinda: I call it Deeth By a Thousand Cuts.

Corin: Huh. I actually kind of like that. The name at least. The sculpture is horrifying. And offensive.

Belinda: Art is supposed to make you feel.

Corin: It’s 23 people…

Belinda: 24.

Corin: Where’s the 24th?

Belinda: That’s a secret.

Corin: That is… nauseating. The people are arranged… I mean, stitched together… It’s like a tree or something. And they’re all alive. The strange thing is that they don’t seem that upset about being sewn together. Instead, they’re just hurling insults about Kakos Industries. They’re pretty mean, but not that inventive.

Belinda: My assistants are visionaries and creatives all.

Corin: One guy is just shouting “Kakos Industries is butt!” Over and over again. There’s a woman who shouts “Your Evil is subpar and not very well thought out”. That one stings a little bit. Some of our employees have been throwing pieces of food in their mouths, because, well, they’re Evil. Oh, and then there’s the one guy who shouts “You must except defeat!” I’m pretty sure he’s saying it with the “e”, not accept with an a.

Belinda: 331 is an idiot. Anyway, all of their veins are connected. They are one organism. They share a blood type.

Corin: Let me guess, B negative?

Belinda: My signature.

Corin: Shareholders, I’m not sure how best to describe this piece or if I should even. I mean, when we get done dismantling this abomination, some of these people will have been so traumatized that… well we’ll have to give them jobs.

Belinda: Dismantle it? Why on Earth would you do that? It’s not yours.

Corin: Not ours? What do you mean it’s not ours? It’s in the building.

Belinda: A sculpture like that cannot be bought or sold, or given. It can only be on loan until it is given to a museum for tax avoidance.

Corin: So you expect us to just leave it there?

Belinda: Marvel at its beauty. Allow it to sculpt the area around it. The true art, if you haven’t seen it yet, puppy, is what it has transformed your lobby into.

Corin: Oh, dammit.

Belinda: Your building is the Negativ Space.

Corin: We’re going to put it outside. On the rainy lawn. They’re going to catch one big cold.

Belinda: We all make sacrifices for our creations. We’ll swing by when the exhibition is over to retrieve it. A curator will visit to administer the necessary nutrients. Goodbye, fingerling.

(Noise falls)

Corin: Well that was creepy.

I have instituted some new rules at the Division of Erotic Experiences to make sure that there are no more terrible surprises. For example, nothing is off limits to me. If I come down, no matter how kinky the staff are, I will not be tied up or blindfolded, and I will be allowed to go wherever I please. When I told them about this, Jasmine Aashna just kind of threw up her hands like she gave up, and Dr. Dunkelwissen asked me if I would also like to look in his ass like a fucking fascist. I declined. I feel like he was being sarcastic, but I know that Dunk has some interesting tastes. During my most recent visit, I found that they were experimenting with putting an extract of a real bond and affinity for one another into a pill to get strangers ready to fuck each other.

We captured a fight between Meredith Gorgoro and a giant, many armed humanoid figure on one of the motion sensing cameras. The giant walked on four arms and still had plenty of arms to spare up top. The bout only lasted a minute, but it was a staggering show of strength. She took it down with a spear strike to the heart, and that was that. Then she ate the heart off of her spear and disappeared into the darkness.

We’ve been trying a new angle on getting Soundman Steven back to his original… penile stature. As you may know, his erection was once a beacon of exalted and magnificent Evil. It arose when we built this studio and spared no expense on the gear. But then, I shot him, and things turned a bit sour. While my love for Soundman never faltered, I began to worry that his trust in me was forever broken, and perhaps that was why we could not bring him back to where he once was. Since I came to that realization, we’ve been doing trust building exercises. I’ve only dropped him once. I’m working on it, okay?

The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To opened the door to my office the other day. I was taking a break on my shiatsu pad, and I was not pleased. I’ve taken that key away from them. And changed my locks.

Kimzzzzzzzzzz has softened her opinions on board games, making many of us here at Kakos Industries sexy again. This time, it only took a box with one thousand gourmet lollipops in it to change her mind. But then she want at it again. Now wearing an even number of socks is unsexy. I can’t just not wear socks, though. So I’m wearing three. I feel ridiculous.

Do you remember the jar of jelly beans that we used to broadcast to you last time? Well, I am told that the jelly beans are now edible. We promise. You have to eat all of them.

The Tabithas are only wearing two socks each. I have to admit I felt absolutely ridiculous asking to see their socks. To be clear, feet really aren’t my thing. Not a judgment, just not for me. I just don’t know how they keep missing these memos. Or are they trying to be unsexy on purpose? Who would do such a thing? I’m so confused. At any rate, I still find them to be mildly unsettling to look at now. It’s like staring at an image that has something horrifying hidden in it, but you haven’t figured out where or what it is yet.

They say Evil once laid out 87 damsels and boy damsels on a railroad track before running them over itself with a hand car. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for cold sweats, fitful rest, and not remembering what it is you’re so worried about. As always, we can’t be entirely certain that we are responsible for these common human experiences, but we are. We just are. We did it. And if you disagree, prepare for a lot more cold sweats and fitful nights as you remember very clearly that you are afraid of us doing something terrible to you. And just when the anxiety begins to fade, we’ll get you.

Aubrey Rose has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Aubrey’s nemesis will be ruined. Aubrey has selected Nick, but with a K as that nemesis. We gave the Wheel of Misery a stiff spin, and it turned for what felt like ages but was actually around seventeen seconds. It finally landed on the space for “Comedic”. From this day forward, Nick, but with a K, will be 30% more comedic, and I think we can all see where this is going. First it starts with a few awkward jokes at work. Then it moves on to a few open mics here and there. Before long Nick, but with a K, will be hosting comedy of events all over town. Truly a fate worse than death. For Evil measure, Aubrey Rose will be 3% less comedic. Not a huge amount, but it makes a difference at dinner conversations. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You can safely disconnect your cable now. It should just fall out on its own if we’ve done what we’re supposed to. I’m going to make sure that piece of… art gets moved outside. The numbers are next.

2

1

3

44

77

5

99

0

23

23

23

4

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the world’s second best water vessel. Special Guest appearance in this episode by Julia Morizawa. Hear more from her at www.juliamorizawa.com. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, Blaise Devletian, William Brandon, and Courtney Campbell. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, J.K. Runnings, Director of The Division of Darker Sound, Kevin Powers, the Director of the Division of Phoned In Last Minute Decisions, and Danni Auttumns, director of The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has created their high speed rail. Except that it’s rather slow due to all of the yarn friction. You can get from their offices to the cafeteria pretty quickly though. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has found the witch fungus. But then they burned it before anyone else could see it. But it was totally real. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping cruise ships and the environment. It’s kind of a love/hate kind of thing. The Division of Unanswered Messages has finally ghosted that guy. The relationship wasn’t going anywhere, and the communication was one-sided anyway. The Division of Darker Sound has created the deepest bass known to man. You can’t hear it so much as feel it and it feels… dark. The Division of Phoned in Last Minute Decisions has helped the Division of Lasers to “Just make the laser green or some shit.” Apparently that took one button press, but it worked. The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors recently patched some phones to correct the phrase “It’s not that big of a deal” to “Eat your own ass, Camilla”. Camilla will be displeased. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try screaming into a pillow to show that pillow who’s boss.