If you've seen The Expendables' IMDB page lately, you'll have seen the amazing character names in all their glory, but these are just the latest in the long, fine tradition of giving action stars the most ridiculous monikers possible. With that in mind, we present to you the cream of the crap: the most ludicrously macho characters ever named.



Sylvester Stallone

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Bruce Willis

Jason Statham

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Chuck Norris

Dolph Lundgren

Steven Seagal

Carl Weathers

Wings Hauser

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Sylvester Stallone knew exactly what he was doing when he named the motley crew of: the likes of Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) and Toll Road (Randy Couture) weren't drawn randomly out of a hat. Sly was simply adhering to one of the unwritten rules of movie action: tough guys need to have tough names. They either have to sound ridiculously hard, or mysteriously exotic: that's you won't find many action heroes called Derek or Alan or Phil. Or Tarquin.Using selected Expendables as a jumping off point, I decided to go through the archives to see which actor had the most incredible array of action hero names to his credit. It was no easy task, but it did make me feel manly: I'm thinking of changing my name to Punch 'Kick-Puncher' Kickerton.With his Italian heritage, Sly can just about pull of semi-exotic surnames like Provolone and Balboa and Carboni, but is equally comfortable with traditional powernames like Jake and Joe and Joseph. Grrr. He began the tradition of matching one with the other: John Rambo was the result. It'd sound instantly ridiculous if it wasn't so perfect.(The Expendables 2, 2012)(Shade, 2003)(D-Tox, 2002)(Driven, 2001)(The Good Life, 1997)(Daylight, 1996)(Assassins, 1995)(Judge Dredd, 1995)(The Specialist, 1994)(Demolition Man, 1993)(Cliffhanger, 1993)(Oscar, 1991)(Tango & Cash, 1989)(Over The Top, 1987)(Cobra, 1986)(First Blood, 1982)(Escape To Victory, 1981)(Nighthawks, 1981)(Paradise Alley, 1978)(F.I.S.T., 1978)(Rocky, 1976)(Police Story, 1975, TV)(Death Race 2000, 1975)(No Place To Hide, 1970)(The Party At Kitty & Stud's, 1970)TRENCH. That sort of name says a lot about a man. Like... you wouldn't want to... be stuck in him? I guess not. Arnie has sported some highly ludicrous action hero titles in his time (I wonder if, in a parallel universe, Joe Santo and Sly's Joe Tanto ever hung out?), but he mastered the skill of having one name only early on in his career and never looked back.(The Expendables 2, 2012)(Collateral Damage, 2002)(End Of Days, 1999)(Batman & Robin, 1997)(Eraser, 1996)(True Lies, 1994)(Last Action Hero, 1993)(Red Heat, 1988)(Predator, 1987)(Raw Deal, 1986)(Commando, 1985)(Red Sonja, 1984)(Conan The Barbarian, 1982)(Cactus Jack, 1979)(The San Pedro Beach Bums, 1977, TV)(Stay Hungry, 1976)Bruce is no muscleman like Sly or Arnie so has to make do with interesting-sounding names rather than ones that conjure images of men carrying tree trunks. Willis shows signs you'll see again and again in this list: having suitable character traits reflected in his name (see: Doug MASTERson, Butch COOLidge, James URBANski). Bonus points also for being Tom Hardy before Tom Hardy was Tom Hardy.(The Expendables 2, 2012)(Lay The Favourite, 2012)(The Black Mamba, 2011, short)(RED, 2010)(Perfect Stranger, 2007)(The Astronaut Farmer, 2006)(Lucky Number Slevin, 2006)(Alpha Dog, 2006)(Tears Of The Sun, 2003)(The Whole Nine Yards, 2000)(Apocalypse, 1998, videogame)(The Siege, 1998)(Armageddon, 1998)(The Fifth Element, 1997)(Beavis & Butt-Head Do America, 1996)(Pulp Fiction, 1994)(Striking Distance, 1993)(Hudson Hawk, 1991)(Mortal Thoughts, 1991)(Sunset, 1988)He's not had as long in the game, but Jason Statham has already racked up more amazing character names than most RADA-trained actors would do in a lifetime. Lee Christmas is an obvious pisstake (Jason Statham doesn't celebrate Christmas; it celebrates him), but Chev Chelios is an awesome bit of alliteration and Evan Funsch is just the most fun to say (it rhymes with punch!). Blame Guy Ritchie: with Bacon and Turkish, he started the convention of lumbering The Stath with silly names.(The Expendables 2, 2012)(Death Race, 2008)(The Bank Job, 2008)(In The Name Of The King, 2007)(Crank, 2006)(The Italian Job, 2003)(Mean Machine, 2001)(The One, 2001)(Ghosts Of Mars, 2001)(Snatch, 2000)(Lock Stock, 1988)The man known simply by his initials is Belgian by birth but beloved by all, hence our mass acceptance of any vaguely European character name Hollywood is willing to saddle him with. I simply can't let it pass with mention: Van Damme once played a character called Jacques Kristoff. Say it fast and it sounds like a masturbation instruction manual. Obviously JCVD took it really hard that his first ever credited movie role was that of 'Gay Karate Man' in 1984's Monaco Forever.(The Expendables 2, 2012)(Six Bullets, 2012)(Dragon Eyes, 2012)(Assasination Games, 2011)(The Eagle Path, 2010)(The Shepherd, 2008)(The Hard Corps, 2006)(Wake Of Death, 2004)(Derailed, 2002)(The Order, 2001)(Replicant, 2001)(Maximum Risk, 1996)(Sudden Death, 1995)(Street Fighter, 1994)(Hard Target, 1993)(Universal Soldier, 1992)(Double Impact)(Cyborg, 1989)(Bloodsport, 1988)(No Retreat, No Surrender, 1986)He might be a prick in real life, but Chuck Norris plays men with names that reflect our more animal instincts. With names like Hunter, Booker (x2), Wilder and, er, Slaughter, he's primed to kick your ass no sooner than he's been introduced. "Hi there, I didn't catch your name.. Frank Shatter, was it? Uh, excuse me, your knee seems to be on my throat."(The Expendables 2, 2012)(The Shepherd, 2005)(The President's Man, 2000, TV)(Logan's War: Bound By Honor, 1998, TV)(Forest Warrior, 1996)(Top Dog, 1995)(Hellbound, 1994)(Walker, Texas Ranger, 1993, TV)(Invasion USA, 1985)(Lone Wolf McQuade, 1983)(An Eye For An Eye, 1981)(Black Tigers, 1978)(Karate Cop, 1974)(Way Of The Dragon, 1972)Dishy Dolph has some unique traits to his character names: they're almost always referencing weapons or manners in which to hurt people. Gunner. Gatling. Gannon. Gunar. Decker. Major Frank Cross is majorly cross. Note also he's played Nikolai Cherenko AND Nikolai Rachenko: apparently there are only a few names to go around in Russia these days.(The Expendables 2, 2012)(Battle Of The Damned, 2012)(The Package, 2012)(Small Apartments, 2012)(Icarus, 2010)(Direct Contact, 2009)(Missionary Man, 2007)(Diamond Dogs, 2007)(The Inquiry, 2006)(The Mechanik, 2005)(The Defender, 2004)(Direct Action, 2004)(Detention, 2003)(Bridge Of Dragons, 1999)(The Peacekeeper, 1997)(Silent Trigger, 1996)(The Shooter, 1995)(Men Of War, 1994)(Joshua Tree, 1993)(Dark Angel, 1990)(Red Scorpion, 1988)(Rocky IV, 1985)(A View To A Kill, 1985)He couldn't be bothered to get off his couch to appear in The Expendables or its sequel, but Steven Seagal can still boast some of the most laughable character names ever uttered on film. Some are right on the money (Tom Steele, Samuel Axel, Travis Hunter) but others are woefully misjudged (Orin Boyd sounds like a scented candle; Gino Felino sounds like an ice cream/convicted paedophile). In case you're wondering, Cock Puncher is from a spoof movie, in which he plays a character that punches people in the cock. It sounds obvious, but on this list, you never know.(Maximum Conviction, 2012)(True Justice, 2010, TV)(Machete, 2010)(Born To Raise Hell, 2010)(Driven To Kill, 2009)(Against The Dark, 2009)(The Onion Movie, 2008)(Urban Justice, 2007)(Attack Force, 2006)(The Foreigner: Black Dawn, 2005)(Today You Die, 2005)(Into The Sun, 2005)(Out Of Reach, 2004)(Out For A Kill, 2003)(Half Past Dead, 2002)(Ticker, 2001)(Exit Wounds, 2001)(Executive Decision, 1996)(On Deadly Ground, 1994)(Under Siege, 1992)(Out For Justice, 1991)(Hard To Kill, 1990)Now perhaps more famous for his commitments to the world of comedy (who here can honestly cook a stew without quoting him?), Carl Weathers has some stonking character names on his resume: you could try not hiring a guy like General Hugh McKraken, but oh look, shit, he already got the job and by the way you're fired. It's a simple life lesson: never fuck with a guy called Jericho or the dude with the nickname 'Hurricane'.(American Warships, 2012)(Phoo Action, 2008, TV)(The Comebacks, 2008)(The Sasquatch Gang, 2006)(Alien Siege, 2005, TV)(Street Justice, 1991)(Hurricane Smith, 1992)(Tour Of Duty, 1989, TV)(Dangerous Passion, 1990, TV)(Action Jackson, 1988)(The Defiant Ones, 1986, TV)(Braker, 1985)(Death Hunt, 1981)(Semi Tough, 1977)(The Hostage Heart, 1977, TV)(Rocky, 1976)(Barnaby Jones, 1976, TV)(Friday Foster, 1975)(Bucktown, 1975)(Kung Fu, 1975, TV)We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen. Wings Hauser, '80s action hardcase, has the most ridiculous collection of action hero character names ever committed to film. Each and every one of these guys' monogrammed mailboxes would rape yours senseless. Ramrod? Reddog? That's what MURDERERS call themselves. John Luger? Jack Saxon? Joe Joiner? Masters of the three-syllable assault. The icing on the cake, however, has to be Van Vandameer: a name that brings to mind DOUBLE Van Damme even better than Van Damme did in all those twin movies he made.(Eyes, 2005, TV)(The Ruining, 2004)(The Blue Lizard, 2002)(JAG, 1996, TV)(Tales From The Hood, 1995)(Victim Of Desire, 1995)(Broken Bars, 1995)(Skins, 1994)(Road To Revenge, 1993)(China Beach, 1990)(The Killer's Edge, 1991)(Beastmaster 2, 1991)(In Between, 1991)(Pale Blood, 1990)(Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind, 1990)(Street Asylum, 1990)(The Siege Of Firebase Gloria, 1989)(The Carpenter, 1988)(Dead Man Walking, 1988)(Hostage, 1987)(Tough Guys Don't Dance, 1987)(The Long Hot Summer, 1985, TV)(Hunter, 1984, TV)(A Soldier's Story, 1984)(Deadly Force, 1983)(Homework, 1982)(Vice Squad, 1982)By the way, it's perhaps no coincidence I'm thinking of names for my as-yet unborn child. I wonder how my wife will take it now that I've decided on Hambone 'Snaps' McKraken? What a beautiful little girl she'll be.