Graduating Senior Accepts Lucrative Offer Of Unemployment In Detroit Suburb

THE BOARD BEDROOM – After submitting countless job applications and weighing numerous competitive rejection offers, LSA senior Daniel Beamon finally accepted a position with 3900 Trout Creek Lane, an up-and-coming startup nestled in a quiet Rochester Hills subdivision, earlier this week.

“I could’ve gone the Fortune 500 route, but I prefer the intimacy of a small, family-owned firm,” said Beamon while hanging a tear-stained Bachelor of Arts degree in his new office, which functions as a whimsical workspace replete with nostalgic reminders of his bygone youth. “At 3900 Trout Creek Lane, I won’t be some nameless corporate drone – I’ll be treated like family.”

According to Beamon, the company’s comprehensive benefits package played a large role in sealing the deal. In addition to offering inheritance plans and literally years of all-expenses-paid vacation time, 3900 Trout Creek Lane provides accommodations for all of its employees free of charge, including a lavish three-bedroom, two-bathroom on-site housing complex complete with an in-house chef, turndown service, and unlimited access to the company car, a luxurious beige 2004 Ford Taurus.

“We do our best to make Danny feel at home,” said company president, head chef, lead housekeeper, and administrative assistant Jeanette Beamon. “I even put his old glow-in-the-dark Jurassic Park sheets on his bed – you know, for old time’s sake.”

Sources within the firm report that Beamon is especially looking forward to next month’s company barbecue and softball tournament, when he hopes to network with several high-level uncles and other important executives from the corporate office in Bloomfield Hills. Less promising, however, is July’s upcoming performance review, when, according to a source within the human-resources department, Beamon may be asked tough questions like “What are you doing with your life?” and “Are you proud of yourself?” and “Your cousin Johnny is getting a law degree, have you ever thought about showing some goddamned initiative yourself?”

At press time, however, several colleagues report that Beamon is adapting well to his new work environment, as he recently completed an entire season of How It’s Made with his coworker Gizmo, an 11-year-old Shih Tzu, in just under 48 hours. Beamon hopes to receive his first promotion – from “Least-Favorite Son” to “Moderately-Tolerated Son” – by the end of the month.

Originally published: April 2013