Socrates: “I’m gay.”

Plato: “I wrote down what my boss said but it might just be what I said.”

Aristotle: “I’m so old-fashioned. Fuck!”

Seneca: “It will be okay, I think, or maybe not.”

Augustine: “I’m Christian, but I am a serious philosopher.”

Aquinas: “Me too!”

Machiavelli: “I’m the dude who is the favorite philosopher of every dumb bro.”

Descartes: “I think therefore…..whatever.”

Pascal: “I believe in God because I don’t want to go to hell.”

Spinoza: “We need to start pissing people off.”

Locke: “I’m a racist.”

Hobbes: “I’m a douche.”

Rousseau: “I want to go on a walk.”

Voltaire: “Shit sucks.”

Hume: “I will explain nothing but you will learn everything.”

Kant: “I will explain everything but you will learn nothing.”

Adam Smith: “I love money!”

Mill/Bentham: “Sex is good; so is reading a book.”

Schopenhauer: “I hate life, I think. Maybe not.”

Hegel: “I am going to kill you and then steal half of your clothes.”

Marx: “It is impossible to misinterpret my philosophy.”

Dostoevsky: “I write really long books, mostly about murder and God.”

Kierkegaard: “God is alive, I think.”

Nietzsche: “God is dead, pretty much. I think we killed him.”

Dewey/James: “We’re American.”

Weber: “Bureaucracy!”

Kafka: “Bureaucracy!”

Freud: “There’s something I really want to say but I’m staying silent.”

Wittgenstein: “Why should I say anything?”

Jaspers: “I’m random but I fit in somehow.”

Husserl: “I’m important.”

Heidegger: “I’m a Nazi.”

Arendt: “I am a Jew but I think Heidegger is cool.”

Jung: “I am indifferently opposed to Nazis.”

Lacan: “You probably can’t understand anything I say.”

Sartre: “We’re totally free and this makes total sense!”

Camus: “We’re totally free and this makes no sense!”

De Beauvoir: “We’re free because I agree with Jean-Paul a lot.”

Althusser: “We’re not free.”

Foucault: “Yeah, we’re not free.”

Derrida: “Yeah. I hate myself. And you.”

Adorno: “Everyone is so critical.”

Rorty: “We got to get back to how shit used to be.”

Rawls: “We need to help the poor.”

Nozick: “Fuck the poor.”

Habermas: “What the fuck did you say?”

Singer: “I think he’s talking shit about my animal friends.”

Baudrillard: “Fuck it.”

Butler: “Fuck you pigs. Get the bros away.”

Zizek: “Youtube me!”

Clancy Martin: “Google video me!”

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