The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Shantay Legans Keeps Up Trash Talk as Reddit March Madness Continues

One week ago today, each of these teams excepted to play in their second round games of Reddit March Madness.

However, a “scratched disc” forced tournament director /u/JaniSWFC to delay Reddit March Madness by seven days. It has been rumored that BYU, its head coach Tom Riddle and Dark Magic may be behind the situation, though no official evidence has come forward to make it certain.

Regardless, it these teams are now playing in April instead of March.

It’s a weird thing for these coaches and players to handle, and it took a little bit of adjusting.

“I was very confused,” said Marquette head coach Mike Wazowski. “Basketball is a very confusing sport. Throw in confusing calendars, and I’m confused.”

Last week, I wrote a preview of the games that we all thought were happening until the last minute, and almost all of them will now be played today. More press conferences have been held ahead of the newly-minted schedule, and I was able to ask some of the coaches about their previous comments.

A dispute between No. 10 seed Marquette and No. 15 seed Eastern Washington on which version of Eagles are better began, prompting Eastern Washington head coach Shantay Legans to mock the pretentiousness of naming yourself “golden.” I asked him to expand.

“Ain’t nothing golden about Marquette,” Shantay Legans explained. “You ever been to Milwaukee? They should call themselves the Gray Eagles. At least that would make sense.”

The score between Shantay Legans and Mike Wazowski will be settled tonight at 5 p.m. EST, the first of four games set to send the same number of teams to the Sweet 16.

The second game, beginning at 6:30 p.m. EST, will feature No. 3 seed Michigan State and No. 6 seed Virginia. Last week, I talked to both coaches about the recent history between the two programs in March Madness.

Virginia head coach Tony Bennett said his team copes with pain by shoving it “really deep down inside” and never confronting it. Michigan State head coach and noted Lucky Charms advocate Tom Izzo said Bennett didn’t scare him, and he echoed that again today.

“The only thing we have to fear is Mike Krzyzewski himself,” Izzo said.

Following the Spartans and Cavaliers will be No. 4 seed Oregon and No. 12 seed Akron. Oregon head coach and frequent life coaching seminar attendee Dana Altman said he put a lot of faith in Payton Pritchard to lead the Ducks to the promised land.

“My therapist told me that I need to calm down a little bit and not let giant, unanswered questions about life, humanity, the universe and if there is any purpose to all this get in my head so much,” he said. “I need to lean on what I know: Payton Prichard is an alien being placed on earth by a foreign entity with the purpose of winning me basketball games.”

Pritchard was outstanding in Oregon’s first round game of Reddit March Madness against New Mexico State, scoring 26 points on 7-of-15 shooting, plus a perfect 9-of-9 from the free-throw line and three assists. He has been the straw that stirs the drink at Oregon all year and throughout his career, and it now rests on his alien shoulders.

“I was born on the planet Dorbex in the Aussican Solar System about 300 million miles north of here,” Pritchard explained, his eyes spreading further apart and his lizard tongue slurping in and out of his reptile lips. “I was sent by my nation state, Narujilar, to earth to win basketball games for Dana Altman. I am not collecting valuable information so that my species can destroy the human race.”

Akron head coach John Groce played the cool guy last week and continued the act.

“I don’t worry about nothin’,” he said, leaning against the wall next to the water fountain, flipping a nickel in the air with one hand and catching it in his palm. “I’m all about leather jackets, jukeboxes and bullying nerds.”

In the final game of the night, No. 1 seed Gonzaga and No. 9 seed Oklahoma will do battle at 9:30 p.m. EST. Oklahoma head coach Lon Kruger, who has been in coaching since 1808, reminisced about the cotton gin in the last press conference. Today, he chose to explain the merit of the Pony Express.

“You can’t have engine troubles with a horse,” he said, rocking back in his chair, tipping back his dirty straw hat and pushing the hay to the corner of his mouth. “And these dang automobiles can’t give you the same love and affection and horse can. They ain’t livin’.”

Gonzaga head coach Mark Few continued to be shocked to be there.

“I figured they would have kicked us little guys out after this delay,” he said with a smile. “Figured they’d just give big ol’ Oklahoma the win and skip the tiny Zags. We’re grateful for the opportunity to show the world that we play basketball at Gonzaga, too.”

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.