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Katt Williams chews out Asterios for his $600 invoice, “The Fountainhead” and making furniture with my dad, a “hehe” laugh track, women and Mario Kart, Justin Rupple does impressions in bed, more information on the “Heather” fiasco, getting vicariously rejected, Adam P’nache: Cajun Attorney, who hates swearing, “You’re Welcome (For the Snacks)” by Myroom Records, Webber Shandwick puts me on blast, Consuelo tries to tell me I’m fat, I don’t believe Mr. Fancypants buys his own clothes, and I get roasted by a child; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

If you’re a Patreoni, Road Rage: Portland tickets are now on sale! Head over to patreon.com/thedickshow and sign up even for a dollar to get first crack and this once-in-a-lifetime album release EVENT. And you get the videos and the Dicktations. It might be the best deal in comedy, but first…

There are many ways to measure intelligence. There’s IQ, AKA the “Intelligence Quotient”, which determines how successful you’ll be at pretty much everything in life, at your job, at raising a family, in dealing with addiction, when you’ll die, how you’ll die, if you’re a Libertarian or not and you’re being detained, if you can fully get Rick and Morty and not just laugh because everyone else is laughing, and whether or not you’d choke if you had to suck a dick–and it’s so successful at doing so, we made using IQ tests illegal because it’s a blow to the decision making of our ego. There’s also EQ, AKA “Emotional Intelligence”, something chicks made up to talk about themselves and win arguments because they took a Buzzfeed quiz. But there’s an intelligence measurement that’s even more powerful and predictive than both of those put together. It’s called your MKQ, AKA “Mario Kart Intelligence Quotient”, because if you’re pulling down 5’s and 6’s in Mario Kart, maybe the occasional 10+, you basically have no philosophy and need to get your shit together.

As mentioned in the show, here are the emails just filed in court between mysterious reporter “Heather S”, origin and blood type: “Unknown”, and Asterios’ employer Webber Shandwick. If you read nothing else from this case, read this exchange between “Heather S” and the female Webber Shandwick executives–who were singled out in this email. I don’t want to color your experience, but this document represents many possible realities. On one hand, “Heather S” might be an actual reporter with no direct phone number or last name, who doesn’t know the address of or how to spell the name of her employer Condé Nast–one of the biggest media companies on the planet, and who also can’t get on a call with executives for a career-defining because she’s “in London”. Maybe that’s possible. On the other hand, this exchange might be Maddox, posing as “Heather S”, slowly descending into the madness of irrelevancy, and making a desperate meta-plea for absolution using one of the dumbest tricks his 80s-Swiss-Cheese brain, low-MKQ-having-ass learned from a life lived on Contra replays and hitting up your friend’s girlfriends on Facebook: pose as a fake reporter.

Maddox is a one-step thinker.

Maddox has also posed as a fake reporter before in an attempt to get Urban Outfitters to carry his failing book. I’ll tell that story next time (if I already haven’t) as it’s suddenly relevant.

Read the Heather S letters.

Here is one of Nick Rekieta‘s latest videos covering the LOLSUIT. I’ve watched them about a million times. I’ll watch one again today.



And here is YouTuber Law commenting on how Maddox’s “Heather” hand overplayment could put him on the line for everyone’s attorney fees.



Myroom Records with “You’re Welcome (For The Snacks)”.



And here is Ken Doll in Hide’s SoundCloud. I celebrate the man’s entire catalog.



Thumbnail of me sitting around the house by Clay Burton.

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