Season 4, Episode 5 - Travelers

Author's Note: There's been a bunch of stupid since the episode I did for the previous chapter, but I didn't get around to writing it up. Still, this one was so egregious that I had to do it.

Sheppard: Atlantis Control, I'm coming back through the space gate...hey, wait, there's another ship here.

Laren: Hi, I'm Laren, the sexy and tough-as-nails leader of these people. We've found this ancient Ancient battleship and we need some help to get it working again. You're flying an Ancient puddlejumper right now, so you must have the magic gene that unlocks all their tech. What do you say to an alliance?

Sheppard: Wow, that sounds awesome! We'd love to have a working Ancient battleship to study. We're in.

[episode ends]

Damn, that was short and had nothing to do with the canon version. Okay, let's try that again.

Sheppard: Atlantis Control, I'm coming back through the space gate...holy crap, someone's shooting at me.

Sheppard's ship: Ima gonna nap now. [shorts out and powers down]

Menacing Captor #1: I will tie your hands and march you through my heavily jury-rigged ship in an excellent piece of silent exposition that clarifies how we are a group of intrepid and hardscrabble people keeping our ship going with ingenuity and bubble gum, thereby implying how desperate and dangerous we are.

Menacing Captor #2: Feh, I'll just beat the snot out of you. What's your name, where are you from, and where did you get that ship?

Sheppard: [stoics]

Laren: Hi, I'm Laren, the sexy and tough-as-nails leader of these people. We've found this ancient Ancient battleship and we need someone like you who has the ATA gene to help us get it working again. Help us and I probably won't throw you out an airlock...maybe. And don't worry, there's radiation pouring out of the drive, but we've set up thingummies to shield important parts of the ship.

~They go to the bridge of the battleship~

MC#3: Okay, we need you to put the ship through its paces while I record so that I can make it work without you next time. Fly the ship forward a little.

Sheppard: Okay. [turns off the inertial dampeners, flies the ship forward at a few Gs so that all the bad guys are thrown into walls and knocked out]

Laren: Clever.

Sheppard: Thanks.

Laren: Not you, the writers. Sure, it's an old trick, but using sudden acceleration to turn the tables on captors is always clever. Anyway, I've turned off the radiation-protecting thingummies. You'll fry if you don't turn over the ship.

Sheppard: You're bluffing. I've got two of your guys tied up in here; you wouldn't sacrifice your own people.

Tied up MC#2: She totally would.

Sheppard: Damn.

Brig door: [ominous close]

Laren: You bastard! You set the ship to broadcast a distress call before you turned it over, and now there's a Wraith ship coming!

Sheppard: I got this. [uses the ship's weapons to blow up the Wraith. Conveniently, all of Laren's stooges are killed before he finishes]

Wraith boarder: Hah! I eat you! [snacks on Laren]

Sheppard: Feel this gun against your head? Hand me your stunner very slowly, then put back all the energy you just took from Laren, then leave. There's a space gate a few hours away; take your dartship and go there.

Wraith: Um...okay. Or I could just turn around really fast, knock your gun away, and then beat the crap out of you. [does so] You really should have kept your distance, you know? Now Ima gonna eat you both.

[episode ends]

Damn, that was depressing. Let's try again.

Wraith Boarder: Hah! I eat you! [snacks on Laren]

Sheppard: Feel this gun against your head? Hand me your stunner very slowly, then put back all the energy you just took from Laren, then leave. There's a space gate a few hours away; take your dartship and go there.

Wraith Boarder: Really? This is your plan? I mean...I know it's canon, but it's kinda stupid, don't you think? Why don't I just whip 'round real fast, beat the crap out of you, and then eat you both? It's been shown time and again that Wraith heal from pretty much anything and are enormously strong and good at hand-to-hand.

Sheppard: Meh, not really. You guys have had wicked bad Badass Decay since season one. Now you're only really good for jump scares.

Wraith Boarder: Too true, too true. We live in fallen times. Okay, well, I guess I'll just do what you said. [hands over stunner, heals Laren, leaves]

Sheppard: [tucks stunner in back of belt, helps Laren up. The gun he was holding on the Wraith vanishes into thin air] You okay?

Laren [sexily]: Ooh, you're so big and strong, thank you so much! [leans in to kiss him]

Sheppard: Oh no you don't! I've watched Firefly! You're just doing a YoSafBridge and trying to distract me while you get my gun! Let's get you locked up in the brig and then I'll see about meeting up with my friends that I signaled and who are undoubtedly on their way.

Brig door: [ominous close]

Other Traveler ships: [come out of hyperspace]

Enemy Guy #1: Hey there, we're Laren's folk and we're here to capture you again!

Sheppard: Let's review. I'm pissed off, I've got your leader trapped, and I'm flying a battleship. You're in taped-together rust buckets. How about I push her out the lock in a suit, you pick her up, and then you piss off?

Enemy Guy #1: Sounds good!

[episode ends]

Hm, that wasn't anything like canon either.

Sheppard: [tucks stunner in back of belt, helps Laren up. The gun he was holding on the Wraith vanishes into thin air] You okay?

Laren [sexily]: Ooh, you're so big and strong, thank you so much! [leans in to kiss him]

Sheppard: Oh no! You have taken my gun and stunned me! If only I had watched Firefly! [crumples]

Brig door: [ominous close]

Other Traveler ships: [come out of hyperspace]

Enemy Guy #1: Hey Laren, good to see you again!

Laren: You too, Enemy Guy #1. Send over some techs and a security team, okay?

Sheppard: Damnit, you don't have to do this! The Wraith are getting their butts kicked by the replicators. You guys have ships and weapons; once the Wraith have been sufficiently beat up, you could turn the tide.

Laren: Are you offering me an alliance? Even after everything I did to you?

Sheppard: Well, yes. The cool part is that this is even canon.

Laren: Okay, I'm in. Let's go contact your people and set up the details.

Sheppard: Oh. Wow, that part wasn't canon. Cool, let's do it. There's a stargate near here, we can fly to that and then I'll call Atlantis from there.

[episode ends]

Sadly, that was not the way it ended in canon.

Laren: Are you offering me an alliance? Even after everything I did to you?

Sheppard: Well, yes. The cool part is that this is even canon.

Atlantis puddlejumper fleet: [arrives]

Major Lorne: Okay, McKay, we're here. There's an Atlantian battleship and three rust buckets. Which one do I target?

McKay: I'm not sure. We'll need to figure it out before they jump to hyperspace, though.

Battleship and rust buckets: [jump to hyperspace]

McKay: Holy crap, there's a puddle jumper and a life sign out there! They must have let Sheppard go before they jumped to hyperspace! Sheppard, hi!

Sheppard: Hey there, guys. Sorry for making you come all this way; it took a while for my manly charms to work on the sexy but tough-as-nails leader of those people. Anyway, they wanted an alliance.

McKay: Cool! So, they left you some sort of communication protocols, right? Some way for us to get in touch so we can send people to help them get the battleship repaired? I mean, after all, that's pretty much what they would want out of an alliance, right?

Sheppard: Ooh, yeah. That probably would have been a good idea. Oh well. Let's go home and have some steak!

[episode ends]