Restaurants

Coupons:

"May be combined with other offers. . . . Not valid with any other offer." -- On a Papa John's coupon. See a scanned image.

Menus:

"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.

"Leak and Mushroom tarte." -- On a menu in a trendy cafe in Soho, London.

"Our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- On a menu.

"7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings." -- On a menu.

"We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher." -- On a menu of a restaurant in Danvers, Massachusetts.

Signs:

"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.

"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.

"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.

"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.

"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.

"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.

"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.

"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.

"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.

Quotes:

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"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.

"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.

"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.

"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.

"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.

"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.

"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.

"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.

"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.

"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.

"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.

"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.

"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.

"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.

"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"

Restaurant Anecdotes:

I am English and drink hot tea as opposed to coffee. My husband and I visited a fast food restaurant in America, and I asked a waitress if they had any hot tea.

Me : "Do you have hot tea?"

: "Do you have hot tea?" Her : "Well, it is not very warm...but...."

: "Well, it is not very warm...but...." Me : "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?"

: "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?" Her : "Yes."

: "Yes." Me : "So you can make me hot tea."

: "So you can make me hot tea." Her : "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you."

: "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you." Me : "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make my own."

: "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make my own." Her: "Do you want ice in the cup?"

Once when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

While ordering Chinese food to be delivered, I asked, as a joke, if the deep fried gizzards were beef or pork. The lady on the other end had me wait while she looked it up, but couldn't find it. She then asked several other employees, none of whom knew.

I overheard the following conversation at a Friendly's restaurant:

Girl : "Boy, I'm really parched."

: "Boy, I'm really parched." Boy: "Yeah, I'm full too!"

A pizza-and-sub takeout recently opened near me. When I got the menu, I decided that I would try the hamburger sub that was listed, so I called.

Me : "I'd like to place an order for pickup."

: "I'd like to place an order for pickup." Him : "Certainly, sir. What would you like to have?"

: "Certainly, sir. What would you like to have?" Me : "I'd like the hamburger sub, please."

: "I'd like the hamburger sub, please." Him : "Excuse me, the HAMburger sub?"

: "Excuse me, the HAMburger sub?" Me : "Yes."

: "Yes." Him : "I'm sorry, but we don't have HAMburger."

: "I'm sorry, but we don't have HAMburger." Me : "It's right here on the menu."

: "It's right here on the menu." Him: "We don't have HAMburger."

This went on a few times, until finally I asked for a cheeseburger sub without the cheese. He was happy to sell me that.

I used to work at an Arby's. In the two years I worked there, the dumbest customer by far has been one that apparently never succeeded at first grade math.

Me : "That will be $12.69, please."

: "That will be $12.69, please." Him: "Ok. Here you go."

He handed me a $10 bill. Thinking that this was just a mistake, that maybe he meant to give me a $20, I said:

Me : "This is a $10 bill."

: "This is a $10 bill." Him : "Yeah, I know."

: "Yeah, I know." Me : "The total is $12.69."

: "The total is $12.69." Him : "I gave you a 10. That's enough."

: "I gave you a 10. That's enough." Me : "I need $2.69 more. The total is $12.69."

: "I need $2.69 more. The total is $12.69." Him : (annoyed) "It's all there! I gave you a 10!"

: (annoyed) "It's all there! I gave you a 10!" Me : "No. I need $2.69 more."

: "No. I need $2.69 more." Him : "I gave you a 10!"

: "I gave you a 10!" Me: "I know. The total is $12.69! I need another $2.69!"

This situation kept on going for a good four or five minutes, when something really wrong happened. I just had him on the verge of giving me a $50 bill, when a manager changed the price to make it less than $10. After I told the customer that, he said:

Him: "Darn kids don't know how to do math these days."

I suppose the moral of the story is act dumb, even if you aren't, and rewards will follow.

One day, this lady brought in an Arby-Q sandwich because she didn't like it and she wanted her money back. That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that my Arby's stopped selling those a month ago, and that the sandwich was black and moldy. It was one of the grossest things I have ever seen in my life.

Me : "I'd like a small coffee shake and nothing else."

: "I'd like a small coffee shake and nothing else." Clerk : "Anything else?"

: "Anything else?" Me: "Uh...a cup?"

This happened at a local fried chicken shack.

Customer : "I'll have a half dozen chicken nuggets."

: "I'll have a half dozen chicken nuggets." Waitress : "I'm sorry, we don't have a half dozen. You can only order six, nine, or twelve."

: "I'm sorry, we don't have a half dozen. You can only order six, nine, or twelve." Customer: "Well, ok, I'll have six then."

This has happened to me with two different people now.

I had a craving for french fries one day, so I pulled up to the drive-thru of McDonald's.

Me : "I'd like a large french fries please."

: "I'd like a large french fries please." Clerk: "Would you like fries with that?"

I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull ahead, so I did, and then he asked me why I was sitting there.

Clerk : "I thought you didn't want fries."

: "I thought you didn't want fries." Me : "No, I ordered a large french fries."

: "No, I ordered a large french fries." Clerk: "Ok. Do you want fries with that?"

Since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, I figured I'd better say yes this time.

He gave me two large fries.

I went to a McDonald's in New York. My girlfriend and I didn't know what we wanted ahead of time, but when we got there we saw a sign for a special: "2 Big Macs, 2 large fries, and 2 drinks for $7.99."

Me : "Can I have the 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries special?"

: "Can I have the 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries special?" Clerk : "Excuse me?"

: "Excuse me?" Me : "Can I have the special on the sign up there?" (pointing to the sign)

: "Can I have the special on the sign up there?" (pointing to the sign) Clerk : "What special?"

: "What special?" Me : "The 2 Big Macs special."

: "The 2 Big Macs special." Clerk : "That's not a special. You just order 2 Big Macs and 2 fries and 2 drinks."

: "That's not a special. You just order 2 Big Macs and 2 fries and 2 drinks." Me : "Will it cost $7.99?"

: "Will it cost $7.99?" Clerk: "I don't know. Let me see."

She rung up the order, and it came to around $12.

Clerk : "That is how much it costs."

: "That is how much it costs." Me : "Then why does the sign say $7.99?"

: "Then why does the sign say $7.99?" Clerk : "I don't know what you are talking about."

: "I don't know what you are talking about." Me : "The sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)

: "The sign up there." (pointing to the sign again) Clerk: "Let me get the manager."

The manager came over, and I was convinced I would be eating shortly.

Manager : "Can I help you?"

: "Can I help you?" Me : "I just want to order the special that it see on the sign up there."

: "I just want to order the special that it see on the sign up there." Manager : "There is no special at this time."

: "There is no special at this time." Me : "Then why does the sign say there is?"

: "Then why does the sign say there is?" Manager : "I don't know about that, but you can order two value meals and get the same thing."

: "I don't know about that, but you can order two value meals and get the same thing." Me : "But that will cost more than $7.99."

: "But that will cost more than $7.99." Manager : "That's right."

: "That's right." Me: "But what I want is what is on the sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)

The manager read the sign out loud, very slowly.

Manager : "The sign is wrong."

: "The sign is wrong." Me : "Well, if you are the manager, why don't you take it down?"

: "Well, if you are the manager, why don't you take it down?" Manager : (angrily) "Excuse me?"

: (angrily) "Excuse me?" Me : "You are the manager, and you have signs in here that are wrong. You should take them down."

: "You are the manager, and you have signs in here that are wrong. You should take them down." Manager : "Sir, why don't you leave my store."

: "Sir, why don't you leave my store." Me : "What?"

: "What?" Manager : "Leave my store before something happens."

: "Leave my store before something happens." Me : "What is going to happen?"

: "What is going to happen?" Manager: "Just get out of here."

We left, walked about five blocks to the next McDonald's. I ordered the same special without a problem.

When I was in college, a couple of my friends and I went to a small town restaurant for a bite to eat one evening. I was in the mood for a ham and cheese omelette. Looking at the menu, there was a ham omelette listed and a cheese omelette listed, but no combination. So when the waitress came for the order, I asked about the combination.

Me : "I'd like a ham AND cheese omelette, please."

: "I'd like a ham AND cheese omelette, please." Her : "I...don't know. I'll have to ask the chef."

: "I...don't know. I'll have to ask the chef." Me: "Uh...ok."

She left and returned a minute later.

Her : "The chef says he'll have to put eggs in it to hold it together!"

: "The chef says he'll have to put eggs in it to hold it together!" Me: (blank stare) "...Well, if he HAS to put eggs in it, that'll be ok!"

I used to work at a Subway restaurant, and I found this happening quite often:

Me : "How can I help you?"

: "How can I help you?" Customer: "I'd like a Club with everything."

So I start putting cheese on the bread.

Customer : "No cheese."

: "No cheese." Me: "Ok."

So I start putting vegetables on the bread.

Customer : "No lettuce or pickles."

: "No lettuce or pickles." Me : "Ok."

: "Ok." Customer : "No olives."

: "No olives." Me : "Everything, right?"

: "Everything, right?" Customer : "Yes."

: "Yes." Me : "Everything?"

: "Everything?" Customer : "Everything."

: "Everything." Me: "Ok."

Whenever I go to my local Subway, I find I constantly get either ingredients on my sub I didn't ask for, or a sub missing some ingredients I did ask for. I'm not that picky, so one day when I was in a rush I asked for a 6-inch meat-lovers with everything.

Clerk : "Do you want lettuce?"

: "Do you want lettuce?" Me : "Yeah, everything please."

: "Yeah, everything please." Clerk : "Cheese?"

: "Cheese?" Me : "Yes, just put everything on it please."

: "Yes, just put everything on it please." Clerk : "Pickles?"

: "Pickles?" Me: "Yes, everything, the works, please."

This went on for every ingredient, getting more annoying with each step, until we reached the salt and pepper.

Clerk : "Salt?"

: "Salt?" Me: (wanting to get going) "No, that's ok."

Salt goes on anyway.

Clerk : "Pepper?"

: "Pepper?" Me: "Yeah."

No pepper.

Finally the sub's rung up, and I rush out of the store. Half an hour later, start eating the sub and notice there's no meat on my meat-lover sub.

The scene is a mostly takeout sandwich shop kind of like Subway. Your order is taken at the counter, and the sandwich is made while you watch. It is difficult for an order to get messed up unless neither party is paying attention. While I admit that from time to time I mumble, and, having been raised in the South, my drawl is not understandable by some, I generally have no trouble communicating with the vast majority of people that I speak with.

So you can imagine my surprise and consternation when, one afternoon:

Me : "I'd like a plain number three, white, end piece preferred, no cheese. And BBQ chips. To go."

: "I'd like a plain number three, white, end piece preferred, no cheese. And BBQ chips. To go." Clerk : (grabs a wheat roll) "Number three?"

: (grabs a wheat roll) "Number three?" Me : "Yeah. Plain."

: "Yeah. Plain." Clerk : (holding a wheat roll) "What size?"

: (holding a wheat roll) "What size?" Me : "That's on white, please. Large."

: "That's on white, please. Large." Clerk : (cutting off a small piece of the wheat roll) "Ok."

: (cutting off a small piece of the wheat roll) "Ok." Me : "Uhhh...I want that on white. End piece if you got it. And a large."

: "Uhhh...I want that on white. End piece if you got it. And a large." Clerk : "Oh...yeah...sorry. What size?"

: "Oh...yeah...sorry. What size?" Me : "Large."

: "Large." Clerk : (grabbing a white roll -- with an uncut end still attached) "Ok."

: (grabbing a white roll -- with an uncut end still attached) "Ok." Me : "End piece is preferred."

: "End piece is preferred." Clerk : (cutting off a small piece from the roll which is just barely long enough to qualify for a large sandwich, resulting in two pieces of the roll: a small-sized piece and a piece that is only about half as long as the small size although it is the end piece of the original whole roll) "Hmm."

: (cutting off a small piece from the roll which is just barely long enough to qualify for a large sandwich, resulting in two pieces of the roll: a small-sized piece and a piece that is only about half as long as the small size although it is the end piece of the original whole roll) "Hmm." Me : "That's large, please. Large."

: "That's large, please. Large." Clerk : "Huh?"

: "Huh?" Me : "I want a large number three."

: "I want a large number three." Clerk : "Oh...yeah...sorry." (looks at the two pieces of bread on the counter in front of him, confused) "You said you wanted an end piece?"

: "Oh...yeah...sorry." (looks at the two pieces of bread on the counter in front of him, confused) "You said you wanted an end piece?" Me : "Yeah. End piece is OK. Not required. Picky teenage daughter."

: "Yeah. End piece is OK. Not required. Picky teenage daughter." Clerk : (horizontally slices the smaller-than-small-sized piece of white roll -- the piece that has the end on it) "Ok."

: (horizontally slices the smaller-than-small-sized piece of white roll -- the piece that has the end on it) "Ok." Me : "Uh. Excuse me. I want a large number three."

: "Uh. Excuse me. I want a large number three." Clerk : "I thought you wanted the end piece."

: "I thought you wanted the end piece." Me : "I want a large number three. Plain. The end piece is OK, but it is not required."

: "I want a large number three. Plain. The end piece is OK, but it is not required." Clerk : (continues to make the sandwich on the less-than-small-sized end piece) "Ok."

: (continues to make the sandwich on the less-than-small-sized end piece) "Ok." Me : "Uh. Excuse me again. That's a large number three, please."

: "Uh. Excuse me again. That's a large number three, please." Clerk : "I thought you wanted the end piece."

: "I thought you wanted the end piece." Me : "I want a large number three, plain. Forget about the end piece, OK?"

: "I want a large number three, plain. Forget about the end piece, OK?" Clerk : "What do I do with this?"

: "What do I do with this?" Me : "What do you do with what?"

: "What do you do with what?" Clerk : "What do I do with this end piece?"

: "What do I do with this end piece?" Me : "Push it aside. Get a fresh roll of white bread, OK? I want a LARGE number three."

: "Push it aside. Get a fresh roll of white bread, OK? I want a LARGE number three." Clerk : "Oh...yeah."

: "Oh...yeah." Me : "Picky teenage daughter. She has to have a large, plain sandwich."

: "Picky teenage daughter. She has to have a large, plain sandwich." Clerk : (cuts off a large sized piece from a fresh, whole white roll) "That's a large, right?"

: (cuts off a large sized piece from a fresh, whole white roll) "That's a large, right?" Me : "Yes. Large. You got it."

: "Yes. Large. You got it." Clerk : "Number three?"

: "Number three?" Me : "Yeah. Plain."

: "Yeah. Plain." Clerk : "What kind of cheese?"

: "What kind of cheese?" Me : "That's plain."

: "That's plain." Clerk : "What kind of cheese do you want on it?"

: "What kind of cheese do you want on it?" Me : "I want it plain, please."

: "I want it plain, please." Clerk : "What is that?"

: "What is that?" Me : "What is what?"

: "What is what?" Clerk : "What is plain?"

: "What is plain?" Me : "I want a large number three, plain."

: "I want a large number three, plain." Clerk : "What do you mean, plain?"

: "What do you mean, plain?" Me : "Yes, plain."

: "Yes, plain." Clerk : "What do you mean, plain?"

: "What do you mean, plain?" Me : "Just a number three. Plain. Absolutely plain."

: "Just a number three. Plain. Absolutely plain." Clerk : "I dunno know what you mean."

: "I dunno know what you mean." Me : "I want a large number three, absolutely plain."

: "I want a large number three, absolutely plain." Clerk : "I don't think we have that."

: "I don't think we have that." Me : "You can't make a plain sandwich? I order them here all the time!"

: "You can't make a plain sandwich? I order them here all the time!" Clerk: "What do you mean, plain? We don't have plains."

Note that, at this point, the other customers at the counter are visibly amused, one even chuckling out loud. I look at them, and get "What a moron!" looks from them, so I know it's not just me. The other clerks appear curious about why a customer is raising his voice, but they still appear unaware that anything odd is going on.

Me : "I want a LARGE number THREE, absolutely PLAIN. Can you make one of those for me?"

: "I want a LARGE number THREE, absolutely PLAIN. Can you make one of those for me?" Clerk : (visibly irritated) "I dunno. What do you mean, plain?"

: (visibly irritated) "I dunno. What do you mean, plain?" Me : "PLAIN! Nothing on it!"

: "PLAIN! Nothing on it!" Clerk : "Nothing? Just the bread?"

: "Nothing? Just the bread?" Me : "No. Just a plain number three. Nothing on it at all. No--"

: "No. Just a plain number three. Nothing on it at all. No--" Clerk : (interrupting) "What kind of cheese?"

: (interrupting) "What kind of cheese?" Me : "No cheese at all! Plain!"

: "No cheese at all! Plain!" Clerk : (walks away from his station and talks to the manager) "I can't do this."

: (walks away from his station and talks to the manager) "I can't do this." Manager : "What's wrong?"

: "What's wrong?" Clerk : "He won't tell me what kind of cheese he wants."

: "He won't tell me what kind of cheese he wants." Me : "Can I speak to a manager?"

: "Can I speak to a manager?" Manager : "Is there a problem?"

: "Is there a problem?" Me : "I'm just trying to get a sandwich made."

: "I'm just trying to get a sandwich made." Clerk : "He keeps talking about some kind of airplane or something."

: "He keeps talking about some kind of airplane or something." Manager : "Airplane? What's his order?"

: "Airplane? What's his order?" Clerk : "A large number three airplane...or plane...I dunno what he wants me to do."

: "A large number three airplane...or plane...I dunno what he wants me to do." Manager : "What did you order?"

: "What did you order?" Me : "I'd like a number three, plain, on white, preferrably an end piece...no cheese. BBQ potato chips. To go."

: "I'd like a number three, plain, on white, preferrably an end piece...no cheese. BBQ potato chips. To go." Manager : "What was the problem?"

: "What was the problem?" Me : "I have no idea, but it appears from what he said to you that he doesn't know what the word 'plain' means."

: "I have no idea, but it appears from what he said to you that he doesn't know what the word 'plain' means." Manager: "Well, we'll get you taken care of."

When I get out to the car, my wife and daughter are curious why it took so long. They are the first to hear the story but not the last.