TEAM DREAMS: The Blazers Broke Me

Man versus Subject when subject is middling basketball team.

Stotts’ mask of ethically harvested human skin in mid-adjustment.

The Trail Blazers were supposed to suck last season, but like the booming city they represent, they rubbed our faces in how happy and well-adjusted they are. Even more frustrating, from my standpoint at least, is the fact that they are not a particularly funny team to write about. Sure, on the surface there’s plenty to poke fun at, but it all crumbles in your hands when you try and work with it. There’s Lillard’s rap game, which by NBA standards is pretty damn good, even if most of his freestyles are definitely written. C.J. McCollum and his cool mustache are coming for my job, but I’m fine with that because he is actually much better at it than me. You’ve got Al-Farouq Aminu’s vitriolic homophobia which isn’t really funny, just weird, but actually not that weird because I’m sure it’s more common in NBA circles than we know, so really it’s just kinda sad — which is funny I guess in a Crimes and Misdemeanors kind of way.

So I suppose that leaves me with their offseason, which consisted of blowing Paul Allen’s pocket change on a bunch of solid-but-not-great players. Let’s start with Festus Ezeli, who climbed aboard the S.S. Blazedog for a two-year jaunt, the hope being that he can salvage his value after an injury-riddled down season in Golden State unfortunately coincided with his contract year. If he returns to full health, he’ll be the defensive anchor that a certain Plumlee brother most definitely is not. Though he’ll be starting the season on the bench to recover from a battery of procedures on his left knee, he can help buoy his teammates’ spirits with lessons on economics. After majoring in the subject at Vanderbilt, nobody knows better than him what a raw deal he got this summer. Hilarious!

Stotts’ human skin mask after being slapped in the face.

Thanks to the machinations of the Nets’ front office, who decided if they can’t build a contender they can at least prevent others from doing so, Allen Crabbe is now making 74 million dollars over the next four years. Even under the new cap, that’s a lot of spondulix for a 3-and-D sixth man. The hope is that he’ll take another step forward and continue to develop that sweet lil’ catch and shoot three pointer. Maybe he’ll spend his hard-earned paycheck on emulating OBJ’s current haircut, which should help accentuate his jug-handle ears. I feel like a middle-school bully.

Next in line for his salary bukkake is Evan Turner, former second overall pick in 2010, who inked a contract for $70,000,000 over four years. ET is the advanced stats crowd’s worst nightmare: a ball-dominant SG/SF who can’t hit a three and loves midrange shots. How much does he love them, you ask? I’ll let the man speak for himself: “Evan M. Turner. For sure, ‘M’ stands for mid-range. Anywhere within 15 feet is cash.” As heretical as this might sound in today’s NBA, he might have a point — Dame and CJ are great shooters from around the arc, so adding someone who is automatic from the elbow could serve to create more spacing around the perimeter, and perhaps even in the paint if a big switches on to him. He also offers the Blazers some much-needed defense against opposing three-point shooters. But hey, look at this photo. Admiring a fancy shirt, what a dandy!

What, are you going to wear that or something?

Finally we arrive at Moe Harkless. Hoo-wee! Here we go, this guy is a Laff Riot. He too signed a four year deal, though his is only worth a paltry forty million dollars. Harkless is a solid young player who’s duking it out with Crabbe and Turner for that coveted starting spot at small forward. His impressive showing in the playoffs last year flashed signs of his potential to develop into a crucial part of Portland’s rotation. Maybe these accomplishments will help blunt the pain of knowing that the nickname “Mo’ Buckets” is already taken.

Well, I guess that seals it; the Blazers are the least funny team in the NBA. As the rest of the league gamely offers a ‘yes, and,’ Portland puts its hands in its pockets and says ‘no, but.’ No, but Damian Lillard is an all-star caliber guard. No, but Terry Stotts is a basketball warlock who could probably drag the Nets to the playoffs if he had to. No, but they’re a well-rounded, competent team. No, but they actually work really hard. I really like the Blazers, but man, fuck these guys.