I realize I’m just another dumb white cishet male and therefore the source of all the problems in the world, but I am utterly baffled by the growing insistence that gender pronouns are a matter of opinion.

Back in the old days, when “science” wasn’t just a word you threw at a political opponent to make him shut up about the weather, you had boys and girls. Men and women. He and she, him and her, his and hers. Easy to remember, and backed up by an ancient system of arcane witchcraft called “biology.” Sure, you had people who weren’t so easily categorized, like Prince and Rosie O’Donnell, but they were the exception. Most people were at peace with the fate dictated by their chromosomes. It was all good, man.

In 2019, now that we’ve apparently run out of absolutely anything else to worry about, more and more men and women are insisting they’re neither men nor women. They’re “nonbinary.” And if you address them by the same pronouns you used as recently as a year ago? They’ll call the cops.*

Now we’re supposed to use “they” as a gender pronoun. Not “he” or “she,” but “they.” As in: “There goes Dale, they work in my office. I’m their colleague. Pretty nice individual, once you get to know them.” Imagine being so confused about yourself that you insist on being identified as a plural.

It reminds me of that old sketch “It’s Pat!” on SNL, where nobody could figure out which gender Pat was. Except now we’re not supposed to laugh, even when the answer is “neither.”

You’re free to call yourself whatever you want, but you can’t force me to comply. Not in America, at least. Not yet. I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings, but if you can’t choose between male or female, I’m just going to pick one for you. Deal with it, pal and/or toots.

*No, seriously. This is now a matter for the police. In the UK, anyway.

Amelia Hill, The Guardian:

A devout Catholic journalist has said she is being investigated by police after she called a transgender woman a man on Twitter.

Caroline Farrow appeared on ITV’s Good Morning Britain alongside Susie Green, whose daughter Jackie Green is transgender, to discuss the Girlguiding’s decision to let children who have changed their gender join the organisation…

Using the wrong pronoun could be an offence under the Malicious Communications Act, which makes it a crime to send messages that are indecent or grossly offensive, threatening, or contain information which is false or believed to be false, if the purpose for sending it is to cause distress or anxiety.

Here’s a bit of a “breakfast telly” segment about it.

WARNING: CONTAINS PIERS MORGAN SPEAKING

Is it a crime to misgender people? Journalist India Willoughby believes if it’s intentional, it should be treated like any hate crime. This follows a police investigation into a journalist who misgendered a trans person on Twitter. pic.twitter.com/AEBIYXLSc3 — Good Morning Britain (@GMB) March 20, 2019

Thank goodness they’ve solved all the other crimes in Britain. There are no more knifings or acid attacks or other minor inconveniences, so the cops are free to take on important crimes like tweets with the wrong pronouns. Since when are journalists allowed to write things that might make somebody feel bad?

They don’t need to Brexit, they need to Plexit. Exit the planet. Just send that whole dumb island into outer space.