Filed to: laughing at other people's pain

It is time for a Deadspin holiday tradition like no other: our annual trawl of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits to discover the strangest, unlikeliest, and most awkwardly shaped objects America inappropriately shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.


As always, objects sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

SOAP

AIR FRESHENER BEAD

WALKIE-TALKIE ANTENNA

KEY

JEWEL FROM TOY CROWN

DIAMOND

TIP OF DART

BUG

SCREW

"PUT TISSUE IN HIS EAR ONE MONTH AGO AND FEELS LIKE IT IS STILL THERE"

RUBBER BAND

TAMPON

GLOW STICK

NIPPLE FROM BABY BOTTLE

Nose

MINIATURE HOCKEY PUCK

TOOTHPICK

HAIR BRAID

"10 SIDED DICE"

FISHING SINKER

PLASTIC EYEBALL

GUM

LITHIUM TABLET

"A LEG"

SPONGE

"USED A METAL COAT HANGER TO SWAT A BEE OFF OF HIS NECK AND COAT HANGER WENT UP NOSTRIL"


Throat

CLOTHES HANGER

TOY ARROW

SHARK TOY

GRILL BRUSH BRISTLES

PLASTIC FORK

BRILLO PAD (FROM CRACK PIPE)

"HAD A BUTTON IN HAND,WENT TO SNEEZE,TRIED TO COVER MOUTH W/HAND & INHALED BUTTON"

SKIRT

THERMOMETER

SILVER CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

FOIL FROM BAKED POTATO

COOKIE WRAPPED IN CELLOPHANE

RETAINER

Penis

RUBBER TUBE

"PLASTIC SPOON AND PERHAPS A PENCIL"

CROCHET NEEDLE

"STUCK A NAIL IN URETHRA THEN IT MIGRATED UP INTO THE BLADDER"

WOOL YARN

LONG PLASTIC HAND OF STIRRING SPOON

"INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE"

Vagina

PLASTIC HANDLE OF SCISSORS

KNITTING NEEDLES

PEN

"A LARGE AMOUNT OF SAND"

HAIR TIE

BAG OF CRYSTAL METH

10" STEAK KNIFE

RAZOR

SPONGE

"ONE BATTERY AND THREE COINS"

BATHTUB STOPPER

"PUT A BAG OF MONEY IN VAGINA TO HIDE IT FROM HUSBAND"

BILLIARD BALL

"ORGASM BALLS"

Rectum

TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

PIPE

KEYS

ACORN

SHOT GLASS

DRUM STICK

ICE PICK

UNSHARPENED PENCIL

"HAD ANAL SEX & HAS BRUISING, BLOOD ON TOILET PAPER, TOOK CRYSTAL METH TO HELP PAIN"

CANDLE

AIR FRESHENER

CAN OF SPRAY PAINT

SHAVING CREAM CAN

SHAMPOO BOTTLE

LOTION BOTTLE

SODA CAN

"BEER BOTTLE UP RECTUM & BOTTLE BROKE WHEN TRIED TO RETRIEVE BOTTLE W/ PLIERS. COCAINE USE PRIOR TO INSERTION"

TURKEY BASTER

PHONE CORD

GOLF BALL

METAL TOILET PAPER HOLDER

TENT STAKES

"ROLLED UP STACK OF PLASTIC TRASH BAGS"

CHRISTMAS BELL

LOG

Things we got stuck in our butts in previous years:

2013

2012

2011

2010