EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring. “I tried scratching at his ears, gently stroking his tail, and rubbing the fur on his belly, but he’s giving me nothing,” said Dooney, adding that nuzzling the 3-year-old cat’s face and whispering “you’re my special little guy” also proved to be ineffective. “I put him on my lap and used both hands to scratch under his chin and pet his back at the same time, but all he did was lick my arm and go back to sitting there. Christ, I can’t get a goddamn peep out of him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the ungrateful little bastard had run off.

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