But regardless, it would be stupid to just accept Biden as an inevitability. The case for Warren is self-evident, and I’m gonna reinforce it the ethical way: by doing a listicle on the internet. Look at Warren’s platform, will you?

OPIOIDS

The Gutless Take: Opioids are bad, but weed is also bad AMIRITE?!

Warren’s Idea: $100 billion in federal funding toward addiction treatment, first responders treating overdoses, research, professional training, and more. Also, a Corporate Executive Accountability Act that would impose criminal charges on “major companies that deliberately hurt people through criminal negligence.”

Why Her Idea Is Good: Because FUCK the Sackler family, that’s why. Warren understands this innately. Any Democrat who doesn’t probably has that family’s blood money in their campaign coffers.

CHILD CARE

The Gutless Take: Can’t you just get an au pair?

Warren’s Idea: “The federal government will partner with local providers — states, cities, school districts, nonprofits, tribes, faith-based organizations — to create a network of child care options that would be available to every family… The federal government will pick up a huge chunk of the cost of operating these new high-quality options. That allows local providers to provide access for free to any family that makes less than 200 percent of the federal poverty line. That means free coverage for millions of children.”

Why Her Idea Is Good: Child care cost is another financial drain that causes people heartache and robs them of the opportunity—the freedom!—to follow a desired career path, or to quit a job they despise, or to eat out a night or two a week. Wingnuts don’t care about any of this because they think your local day care center should be a profit mine, and because they think a woman working is a sin. Personally, I’m 100 percent in favor of offloading my kids to someone else, at no cost, so that I can go to the movies before lunch. THAT's how you stimulate the economy.

STUDENT DEBT

The Gutless Take: Cancel student debt? But… but... we can’t just DO that! That might cost money! And what about people who already paid for school? Is that fair to them?

Warren’s Idea: “The cancellation of up to $50,000 in student loan debt for 42 million Americans… Make free college truly universal .” Also: “Some people will say we can’t afford this plan. That’s nonsense. The entire cost of my broad debt cancellation plan and universal free college is more than covered by my Ultra-Millionaire Tax — a 2 percent annual tax on the 75,000 families with $50 million or more in wealth.”

Why Her Idea Is Good: Warren already helped draft legislation to reduce interest rates on student loans, but that’s clearly not enough. Student loan debt causes an inhuman amount of suffering and waste across America. You’re not gonna live up to all the potential you amassed graduating from college if you have to spend the rest of your life in debt peonage to the cost of that college. The tuition bubble right now is either hamstringing people who went to college or it’s preventing them from going to college outright. Speaking of debt…

HEALTH CARE

The Gutless Take: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE INSURANCE COMPANIES?!

Warren’s Idea: Warren actually supported a Medicare-For-All bill, but as a candidate she often falls, discouragingly, into the UNCLEAR portions of this Washington Post breakdown of where candidates stand on health care.

Why Her Idea Is Good: It’s not! She needs to clear that shit up! I have to have SOME objectivity here, people.