(book selected by AdmiralFartmore)

In a controversial turn of events, the boys have decided to change how they assign books. After much bitching and moaning from some people who will remain nameless (actually, it was AdmiralFartmore and Peartree), it was decided to change how books were assigned. Rather than having a bet, with the loser being forced to read a Piece of Shit™, the boys will now rotate in a cycle taking equal turns to read. This book review is the first in a new cycle. This is horseshit.

It is impossible to imagine European history without the cataclysmic figure of Martin Luther. When he nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the church in Wittenburg, he not only laid the foundations for Protestantism as a religious doctrine, he also opened the door for the Enlightenment and Renaissance, changing not only continental Europe, but the course of human history.

But in addition to writing the 95 Theses, Luther also wrote a real piece of shit, the questionably titled The Jews and Their Lies. It’s basically a 70 page rant with no real point, and I’m surprised that anyone even bothers to publish it. The cover promises to “shake, shock and alert Christian America.” The introduction challenges the readers assumptions, asserting that the publishers are not seeking to take sides on this sensitive issue, but instead are presenting evidence from which the reader is to draw their own conclusions. This is clear from their description of the subject matter as “the most delicate and dangerous subjects for a public man to discuss – the Jews.” Clearly, their approach is to be both fair and balanced.

The editors have gone at the work with a hatchet, eliminating anything that might even remotely interest the reader or provide any evidence to Luther’s absurd claims. In one section where he begins to rant about the perils of circumcision, the editors simply cut him off mid-sentence and state “Here follow lengthy theological treatises based on numerous passages from Scripture.” But I wanted to hear about the penis cutting. That was the only potentially interesting thing in this piece of shit.

At another point, the book is cut off with an editor’s note saying “Here Luther uncovers the deepest cause of the ever-recurring persecution of the Jews.” But it doesn’t actually say what that cause is. I would have thought that in a book advocating the persecution of the Jewish peoples, that this point would have been included given that it is the ontological founding principle of the book’s entire argument. But what the fuck do I know.

When he isn’t interrupted by the editor, Luther asserts a number of premises that could have been easily disproved with even a small amount of research. Amongst these include that all Jews are men. I don’t think this is true. I saw an Israeli woman naked once and I’m pretty sure she had a vagina. At least, I hope it was her vagina otherwise I made a terrible mistake. Luther also believes that the only Jewish profession is usury, which I also don’t think is true. I knew a Jewish guy called Ethan who worked in IT, and he would never lend me any money. Cheap bastard. Luther also says that Jews believe “what the cow and goose believes.” I have literally no idea what this means, but I’m pretty sure cattle haven’t read the Torah.

Even by the standards of low-brow racism, this book is pretty bad. The book doesn’t contain any point, other than that Jews are bad. That’s pretty much it. It doesn’t say why, nor does it advocate a course of action, thereby violating the singular rule of quality writing; that the author should have a fucking point. His main criticism of Jews is (and I’m not making this up) that they “earnestly desire to be Jews.” Yeah; no shit. Jewish people want to be Jewish. The only solution to this, he argues, is that people should refuse to talk to Jews, and refuse to let them in their houses. At the same time time, he notes, Christians must be merciful and let Jews sleep in their barns with the chickens and Gypsies.

Speaking of sentences out of context, here’s a good one: “This it would do to her, that people would despise her seven times more than a free, public whore!” Again; no idea what he is talking about. But there is worse. He accuses Jews of habitually poisoning wells and stealing children, beliefs as childish in their lack of logic as they are dangerous in encouraging pogroms and vigilantism, something he tacitly encourages when he says Christians should no longer provide Jews with safety or protection.

Writing a review for this piece of shit isn’t easy. For starters, what tone should I adopt? Should I be flippant about rabid anti-Semitism, and try to make it funny? Or should I write a boring review with a stern I-thought-as-much tone which allies with the readers’ shock at this piece of shit? This is different than writing about mouthshots, or women who seek spiritual advice from their dogs. For centuries, this book has been directly complicit in the torture of countless innocents, in the public lynching of rabbis and children, in the immolation of wives and sons.

After reading the book, I am indeed shaken, shocked and alerted, but not by the arguments of this book, but rather, by what a piece of shit it is. The scary thing is that there are people so fucking stupid and closed-minded that they would see this work as confirmation of their childish and Neolithic beliefs.

In terms of what I’d like to say to Luther, I’m tempted to quote the erstwhile prophet Joe Pesci, but I won’t. I’ll keep it simple. I say fuck this piece of shit. Confine it to the anals of history where it belongs.

As for me, I’m converting to Judaism. I’m already circumcised so I’m halfway there. Mazel tov.

Beau Dashington

05/10/2014