Very soon, all over the country, in suites at the Bellagio, party rooms at Hooter’s, and your mom’s basement, groups of nerds will gather for a sacred annual autumn ritual: the fantasy football draft.

But what if you could play fantasy “sports” with something less concussion-causing? Like, for instance, books!? Gather your friends, because now you you can! What follows is an outline for a fantasy authors game that promises to be both fun and infuriating — just like real fantasy football (oxymoron alert!). Of course, you can tweak this general outline however you want. Let’s get to it!

Drafting: Your league should consist of you and your seven other biggest book dorkiest friends. (So that’s 8, right? Right.) To begin, draw straws, role dice, compare your moms’ ages, or employ some other system for determining draft order. Then, take turns picking authors in that order from each of the eight groups below. Your team must have one author from each group (similar to fantasy football where you can only start one QB, two RBs, etc.) Keep in mind, you don’t have draft in the same sequence as the categories. For instance, the player with the first pick is well within his/her rights to select David Mitchell from Group C (or Stephenie Meyer from Group H, or whatever hell s/he wants to do), but s/he cannot select any other authors from Group C for the rest of the draft. Continue taking turns drafting until all authors have been selected. There are 64 authors listed, and so if you play with eight teams, that’ll mean each team consists of eight authors — again, one from each group. (We may be bookish folk here at the Riot, but if pressed, we can hold our own in the maths.)

Group A — The Rookies: 2014 Debuts

Group B — The Wizened Veterans Edan Lepucki John Irving Stephan Eirik Clark Philip Roth Andy Weir Toni Morrison Roxane Gay Cormac McCarthy Mira Jacob Alice Munro Alena Graedon James Salter Tiphanie Yanique Joyce Carol Oates Anthony Breznican Alice Walker

Group C — Future Hall of Famers Group D — Hipster Delights (“Cool” before they were cool) Group E — Foreign Fantastics (writers in translation) Jhumpa Lahiri Dave Eggers Haruki Murakami Jonathan Franzen Zadie Smith Amy Yamada Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Emily Gould Paulo Coelho David Mitchell Lydia Netzer Carlos Ruiz Zafón Donna Tartt Joshua Ferris Kyung-sook Shin Marilynne Robinson Teju Cole Herta Müller Richard Russo Cheryl Strayed Orhan Pamuk Neil Gaiman Jonathan Safran Foer Amos Oz

Group F — Young Adult Adults Group G — Genre Gigantics Group H — Series Heavyweights Rainbow Rowell Stephen King George R.R. Martin John Green James Patterson J.K. Rowling (Robert Galbraith) Sarah Dessen Janet Evanovich Diana Gabaldon Marcus Zusak Catherine Coulter Daniel Silva Gayle Forman Danielle Steele Stephenie Meyer Veronica Roth Nora Roberts Nelson DeMille Stephen Chbosky Dan Brown Meg Cabot Rick Riordan Brad Thor W.E.B. Griffin

Rules for Scoring: Agree on a firm start and stop time for the game — may we suggest, totally arbitrarily, August 1st through May 31st, 2015. Scoring is based on the system below — when an author on your team fits one of the descriptions, you get the designated number of points. As in real fantasy football, draft players whose situations fit best with the scoring system. Do research. Some of these events/things we know will happen. Most we don’t. Some are longshots (more points awarded for these), some may happen weekly. So draft wisely. (Also, add your own ways to score points. These are merely suggestions.)

All judgment calls (i.e., the exact definition of “major”, is this really a feud?, etc.) are left to the discretion of the league commissioner. (You designated a league commissioner, didn’t you?) So, without further adieu, here’s how to score:





Productivity

Publishes a novel — 10 points Blurbs another author’s novel — 2 points Publishes/produces other major work (non-fiction, screenplay, poetry, etc.) — 5 points Appears in another author’s book trailer — 3 points Novel adapted to movie — 8 points 10 bonus points if author cameos in movie based on his/her own novel 10 bonus points if movie wins Academy Award (any) Novel adapted to small screen — miniseries or made-for-TV movie — 5 points Publishes book review in major online or print periodical — 5 points Publishes essay, article, or other journalism in major online or print periodical — 3 points 5 bonus points if article complains about a mainstream technology like ebooks or Twitter 5 bonus points if article is about the death of the novel/reading Performs commencement speech at university graduation —10 points Announces retirement from writing — 10 points Announces unretirement from writing — 15 points

Media, Awards, and Appearances

Appears on Talk/Comedy/Variety Show (eg, The View, Colbert, etc.) — 15 points Appears in interview or as subject of short expository piece on news/morning show (eg. Today, CNN, etc.) — 10 points Appears as subject in profile piece in major online or print periodical — 10 points Appears in interview on major radio show or podcast (eg. NPR Books, etc.) — 5 points Appears in a photo with you from reading or other event, like BEA — 15 points Wins major literary award — National Book Award, Pulitzer, NBCC, or Booker — 15 points Wins Nobel Prize for Literature — 25 points Appears on year-end NY Times 100 Notable Books list — 5 points 5 points bonus if it’s in the “10 best” list Photographed in celeb rag like US Weekly or People — 10 points Author donates large amount of money to charity — 5 points 5 bonus points if that charity supports literacy Throws out first pitch, does honorary coin flip (etc.) to start a sporting event — 15 points Author’s novel selected for Oprah’s Book Club — 10 points Author opens bookstore — 20 points

Feuds, Disruptions, and Ruckuses



Purposefully begins a verifiable feud with another writer, via social media, the press, or other means — 15 points. Arrested for any reason — 20 points. Develops publicly acknowledged alcohol/drug addiction — 15 points Enters treatment – 5 points Author’s novel is ridiculously banned from a school for ridiculous reasons — 15 points Becomes embroiled in a plagiarism lawsuit for someone allegedly stealing his/her own material — 20 points Becomes embroiled in a plagiarism lawsuit for allegedly stealing someone else’s material — 10 points Becomes embroiled in a memoir scandal in which facts purported to be real life are shown to be inventions – 10 points. Publicly decries (in any form) Amazon — 5 points Dates a movie star or other celebrity — 10 points Fatwa issued against author — 30 points

Death

Dies — 25 points

Winning: Very simple: The team with the most points at the end of the season wins! Enjoy!