Got a problem? Write to Deidre here.

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter @deardeidre or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF

(please enclose SAE).

Dear Deidre

I TRIED to end my long-term affair but had sex with my lover instead.

I’m married with two little sons and I’m back to square one.

9 I met my lover at a trade show and we have the best sex I've ever had Credit: Getty - Contributor

My husband is a fabulous dad and we have been together for eight years. I’m 29 and he is 30.

He has no idea I’ve been having an on-off affair throughout our married life.

I only took time out from my lover when each of my children was born.

My lover is 20 years older than me and a real alpha male. He runs his own business and knows how to live.

I met him at a trade show not too long after getting engaged. He came to my stand and asked about products and prices and all kinds of things.

As I was just standing in for a colleague, I wasn’t too sure of myself but he was very pleasant and said he was sorry for taking so much of my time.

I decided I just had to end the affair but my lover persuaded me not to and the sex that night was better than ever

Then he invited me out for a drink to say thanks.

He was so gorgeous I couldn’t say no and we ended having sex in his hotel bed. Afterwards, I went home and got on with my life. He would call me up now and again and I would make up excuses to my fiance, then have a boozy night out followed by fabulous sex in a four-star hotel.

I got married the following year but our secret affair carried on. He’s now married himself but says nothing has changed.

I love him so much. I do love my husband but it’s more like the love for a friend.

9 I feel bad for my husband but I can let go of my lover Credit: Getty - Contributor

I decided I just had to end the affair but my lover persuaded me not to and the sex that night was better than ever. His motto is “live for the day” and so I did a U-turn and decided: “Why not?”

I don’t know what to do. I keep changing my mind. I know what I’m doing is wrong but it makes my life edgy and fun.

DEIDRE SAYS:

You may be having the time of your life but what about your husband?

I feel really sorry for him. Are you sure that he has no idea?

Even if he is oblivious to your affair, the fact is that you’re not giving 100 per cent to your marriage.

You are pushing your husband into the friendzone by pouring all your sexual energy in your lover’s direction.

And your lover doesn’t even offer you commitment.

He’s married someone else and you risk ending up without either man.

Perhaps your husband is choosing to turn a blind eye for now but he won’t be the relaxed, happy dad that your children deserve for long.

Stop seeing your lover and put more into your marriage.

Take some time out if you can, just you and your husband, and focus your attention on him.

My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex can help.

MOST READ IN DEAR DEIDRE IN 2017 DEAR DEIDRE Shower sex with a pal was the best of my life — I want more but she says no as I'm engaged FAMILY AFFAIR Family are furious over my hot sex with brother's sister in law dear deidre I lost my virginity to a lying love rat after meeting online - but he made me feel so special HOTEL HELL My girl's wild step-sister seduced me in toilets and I'm disgusted with myself Guilty sex I had hot sex with my 53-year-old mum-in-law while my wife was on life support Blackmailed I've been bedding my 'uncle' and now his son is blackmailing me into having sex FESTI-FAIL I had hot sex at Glastonbury... but I was the 20th guy she'd bedded that weekend TOUGH CHOICE I'm having sex with my girlfriend's bestie... who's also dating my best mate

Trust's gone in flop a fella

Dear Deidre

I PUT a pack of Viagra on my partner’s bedside table but four weeks later he still hasn’t touched it.

We are two gay men. I’m 24 and he’s 28. I love him but he can’t deliver in bed. One day I told him he needed to fix it and I would support him as much as I could. But instead, we just stopped having sex.

9 I want to support my partner but now we just don't have sex Credit: Getty - Contributor

I felt neglected but it was so much worse when I heard a voicemail from another man on his mobile. It was crudely graphic so I asked him outright if he wanted to leave. He chose to stay and try to sort things with me.

9 I tried to support him by getting him Viagra but he hasn't touched it Credit: Getty - Contributor

But nothing has changed except he is now secretive with his phone. My trust has run out. I felt so hurt that I had a short fling on the side.

I love him and I don’t want to hurt him but I keep thinking: “What about me?”

DEIDRE SAYS:

Hold on to that thought – because he’s not thinking about you at all. Maybe his erection problems have damaged his confidence but he would be better off trying to sort that out than you both looking for love on the side.

My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems can help. If he’s not going to try, you have to move on.

Do I let sexting ex see my baby?

Dear Deidre

WHEN we were together, my ex cheated on me with three other women. I don’t want him back but should I still let him see my young son?

We got together when I was already pregnant by someone else but he has been there for my 18-month-old son from day one. My son even knows him as “Dad”.

9 Her ex cheated on her multiple times and now wants to take her out for dinner...what should she do? Credit: Getty - Contributor

I caught him out cheating on me a couple of times but we got over it until we went for a night out with some friends a few months ago. We’re all in our early thirties. The next day I caught him sexting one of the girls.

I threw him out and he moved in with her. Two months later, he begged me to let him come back. I did but now he is with somebody else.

That’s fine but it’s his day to see the baby tomorrow and he has asked me to dinner too. Should I take him back or cut him out of our lives?

DEIDRE SAYS:

If he’s not going to be a faithful partner to you, the sooner he’s out of your son’s life the better. It’s not as if he is his natural father.

Is the dad around? Is he paying child maintenance, as is your son’s right?

In future, best not let your son think of a boyfriend as his dad. It’s confusing.

TOPIC FOR TODAY SEXUAL happiness increases the more sex you have – but only to a point. More than once a week doesn’t make you happier – but less than once a week can harm a relationship. For a copy of my e-leaflet Saving Your Sex Life, email me at problems@deardeidre.org.



My boyfriend loves his mum more than me

Dear Deidre

I CAN’T believe my boyfriend is going on holiday with his parents and not with me.

I’m 26, he’s 28 and an only child. We’ve been together for a year and I now see what a massive hold his mother has over him. She does everything for him and still treats him like her little boy.

9 My boyfriend loves his mum more than me and I can't stand it Credit: Getty - Contributor

When his parents asked us to go on holiday with them to Malta, I politely refused. I couldn’t think of anything worse. He said yes, using up all his holiday entitlement at work, so it looks like I won’t be getting a holiday at all.

DEIDRE SAYS:

Did your boyfriend accept their offer before checking with you? If so, he has shown you his hand. He would rather please his mum than you.

Don’t waste time being angry. Book a holiday, on your own or with friends, and tell him the ball’s in his court to convince you he’s worth hanging on to. Whisking you off for a fabulous weekend away may swing it for you.

BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.

I haven't seen my son in 30 years and now he wants to meet

Dear Deidre

OUT of the blue, my sister told me she’s had a Facebook friend request from my son. I was shocked as

I’ve not seen him in more than 30 years.

I was 19 when he was born and wasn’t nearly grown-up enough to be a dad. My girlfriend and I split when he was a year old and they moved away with her mum.

That was the last time I saw either of them. All I have is a couple of baby photos.

I have managed to find out my son’s work address and I am wondering if I could try contacting him there. Would that be a good idea?

DEIDRE SAYS:

Your son has contacted your sister and that’s a great start.

Why not do it his way? Ask your sister to accept the friend request and to tell him you would love to see him again – and to pass on your email address.

Take things at his pace and be prepared to explain why you didn’t make more effort to stay in contact.