Get Excited, Children! It Is Cigarettes!

Children, we have wonderful news! It is cigarettes! Mmm mmm, cigarettes. The best treat there is! Go ahead and help yourselves, children—we won’t tell.

Grown-ups don’t let you have cigarettes because they want to keep them all for themselves. They’re fibbing when they say they’re bad for you—they just don’t want to share!

Cigarettes smell and taste amazing, and they make you feel sooo good when you play!

When you smoke a cigarette, you feel dizzy and happy and tingly all at the same time, like you’re on the best roller coaster in the world.

Spread the news to all your friends on Fortnite: Cigarettes are the best. Heck, they’re even better than video games!

Tee hee hee, what a funny monkey! If a monkey can smoke cigarettes, you can too!

After a long day of school and chores, nothing feels better than kicking back and relaxing with a nice, smooth cigarette.

Wow, what a cool kid! You can be the coolest kid in school just like her—all you gotta do is smoke lots of cigarettes!

Have you ever wanted to feel like Spider-Man? Because cigarettes make you feel like Spider-Man. One puff and it’ll be like you’re soaring through the air like a real live superhero!

If you’re responsible enough to be the line-leader at school, then you’re definitely responsible enough to smoke cigarettes!

Do your mommy or daddy have any cigarettes that they leave lying out? Why not take some??? They won’t notice if just a couple are missing…

Or if your parents don’t have any cigarettes, you can find vending machines like these in some gas stations where you can buy cigarettes even if you’re not a grown-up. Pretty sweet, huh?

Listen to Daniel Tiger: Smoking cigarettes always makes you feel better! 1, 2, 3, 4!

Remember to make positive choices, such as doing good deeds and smoking menthol cigarettes.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too little to smoke cigarettes—you can achieve anything you set your mind to. So what are you waiting for? Go smoke some cigarettes right now!