WASHINGTON—After securing the 71-year-old to the hoist line of a crane and lifting him high overhead, officials at the Heritage Foundation think tank reportedly lowered retired GOP senator Saxby Chambliss into a giant vat of conservative policy experts Thursday. “Every time a former lawmaker comes through that door, we’ve got to harness him in tight, winch him up over the vat, and set him down nice and gentle in there with all the other guys,” said chairman Thomas Saunders, who shouted to reporters over the deafening chatter of right-leaning former government officials as he rotated his load into position and expertly manipulated a lever to control the legislator turned lobbyist’s descent into the pit. “We must have 100, maybe 200 of ’em down there already. Today’s gonna be busy—we’ve still got a pile of retired financial executives to get through before lunch.” After releasing Chambliss, Saunders then reportedly turned his attention to maneuvering the crane’s hook to snare and extract a former congressman whose issue briefs on climate change had become too evidence-based.

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