Modern breast enlargement techniques leave a lot to be desired, a double-entendre that Joseph Gagliano would almost certainly deliver with both of his thumbs pointed toward his "FBI: Federal Booby Inspector" T-shirt. Gagliano is the inventor behind a method that "is all-natural and involves no drugs, topical or oral compositions, hormones or surgery" because it consists entirely of pawing at breasts until they get bigger. He describes how women can do it for themselves in such loving detail that I think this "patent" was actually erotic fan fiction sent to the wrong address because he was typing with one hand.

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If getting yourself groped made breasts bigger, Tila Tequila wouldn't have needed surgery.

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The "detailed description" reads like a letter to Penthouse, telling women to find a room where they won't be disturbed and play some relaxing music, and suggesting that rubbing oil on their own naked breasts is absolutely fine with him. His descriptions are so tenderly detailed that you can actually hear the Barry White as you read. After a full page of breast massage, he suggests that it works even better with a partner. He stops just short of reminding female readers that his address is on the first page. Ladies. He's not so much applying to the patent office as attempting to seduce them. They should have charged sex chat rates for processing this.