Photograph by Oleksandr Prokopenko / Alamy

You love bagels, but you don’t want too much cream cheese. If you’re a savvy orderer, that should be no problem. Here’s how to get exactly the amount of spread that you desire.

“May I please have a bagel with cream cheese?”

You receive a sliced bagel with cream cheese oozing out its sides and completely filling its hole. By weight, the sandwich is eighty per cent cream cheese.

“A bagel with just a schmear of cream cheese, please.”

This bagel has the same amount of cream cheese as your first order.

“Pardon me, I’d like a bagel with only a little cream cheese.”

The bagel professionals put ten gallons of cream cheese on your bagel.

“Just a little cream cheese, if it’s not too much trouble. I know some people say that to you and don’t mean it, but I promise I won’t be upset if there’s too little. Put the smallest quantity of cream cheese you think is greater than no cream cheese, and that is how much I want. Thank you so much! Sorry for the complicated request!”

The man you ordered from goes into the kitchen and returns to present you with a hunk of cream cheese the size and shape of a bagel. He explains that, though the bagel is made out of cream cheese, he has barely put any cream cheese on it. Therefore, the actual amount of spread is quite small, you see. It’s not complicated at all. Enjoy.

“No cream cheese! No cream cheese! No cream cheese! No cream cheese! No cream cheese! No cream cheese! No cream cheese! No cream cheese!”

Congratulations! You’re now the proud owner of a suitcase filled with cream cheese and one mini bagel.

You don’t even go to the bagel store because you’re so despondent about your previous ordering efforts. You stay at home and take a nap.

You awaken with white all around you. You’re submerged in some sort of gooey substance. It smells salty. You realize that someone has captured you and buried you in an enormous bagel filled with cream cheese. The only way to survive is to eat your way out.

Exhausted, stuffed, and with globs of cream cheese stuck in your hair, you finally emerge and find yourself at the entrance of the bagel shop. They’ve sent their message, loud and clear, and you now know what you must do. You enter and order.

“I’d like a bagel. And make sure there’s extra cream cheese!”

The man behind the counter smiles and hands you a bagel with just a little schmear of cream cheese. But, tragically, you are full. Also, you owe eighty-nine thousand dollars for the giant bagel you ate earlier.