EARTH—Saying it couldn’t believe it took so long to explore one of the processes it now enjoys most, the entirety of biological life on Earth told reporters Wednesday that it deeply regretted waiting 2.3 billion years to try sex. “Today I love it so much that it’s hard to even imagine a time when I wasn’t having sex—why the hell didn’t I start sooner?” said the sum total of the planet’s organisms in disbelief, lamenting the many “wasted eons” spent blandly self-replicating DNA. “Maybe it was a fear of putting myself out there or not being quite sure how to do it, but all of that feels silly when I think about all the missed opportunities I had during those years.” Biological life went on to say that while it wishes it tried sex earlier than it did, it was also glad it didn’t start when it was just 500,000 years old and far too immature.

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