OPINION

IF YOU order food for your dog at a cafe, let him sit at your table and talk about him more lovingly than your own children, it’s time to question whether you’ve forgotten that your pooch is not a person.

Organising a doggie wedding? You’ve gone too far. Refusing to go on your honeymoon because you’re worried that your ‘fur baby’ might be stressed for two weeks without you? Here’s a reminder: he is a dog, he will get over it. He might even forgive you — (your human children, however, might not).

It was a sunny Saturday when my friends and I took our dogs for a walk and decided to stop for a drink at a ‘dog friendly’ cafe. By dog friendly, the cafe really means it ‘tolerates’ dogs being tied up at the outdoor tables or, in my case, the nearest tree because I know my darling hound will yap at any living creature that comes within spitting distance.

He will also lift his leg every 15 minutes, so I never risk him being too close to other diners.

But my friend ‘Clare’ is one of ‘those’ dog owners. If you look at her Instagram profile, she not only describes herself as a data scientist (the truth), she also has the words ‘proud mother of Riley’ in her profile (not entirely true). Yes, Riley is her dog.

Here are the things Clare does that make me feel she’s lost the plot.

She purchased a Maclaren stroller and takes Riley for a walk on the days when apparently, he can’t be arsed walking. She admits that people stop to peer into the pram, expecting to see a human child. “They’re always much more excited to see I’ve got a dog in there!’ she said. “I reckon they’d be disappointed if I had, you know, just a baby in there.”

She’s been known to order spag bol from the ‘children’s menu’ at cafes and has also spoon fed Riley (a Pomeranian). However, to her credit, she doesn’t use the cafe’s spoon and always BYO’s the cutlery.

When Riley misbehaves, she puts him in ‘time out.’ See, she gets incredibly disappointed if he misbehaves and starts to act like a dog.

He sleeps in her bed. Under the covers. Sometimes he gets breakfast in bed.

She spends an inordinate amount of time talking about his bowel movements (some mothers of human children do this and it’s equally disturbing).

She proudly proclaims that her dog, above all others, does not need a leash.

It’s a 360-degree encompassing life that revolves around her dog. Sure, I love dogs and my cavoodle means a lot to me. I also understand why many people prefer dogs to humans and that they become our family members.

But if you’re ordering food for your pooch at a cafe, and revolving your whole life around your four-legged-buddy, it’s time to get a grip.

Many of us like to anthropomorphise our dogs, which happens anytime we choose to give human characteristics to non-humans. Many dog owners will put very human feelings and ideas into a dog’s heads, when they don’t really belong there at all.

For example, you might surmise that the reason your dog destroyed your favourite shoes was because he was angry you left him home alone for too long. Or you’re convinced your dog feels ‘guilty’ for the shoe massacre because of the look on his face. But just because your dog might exhibit some human-like behaviours is no reason to treat him like he is actually human.

Your dog doesn’t bark and scratch at the door because he was taken from his mother at seven weeks and has developed ‘abandonment issues’ — he’s a pain in the arse because he hasn’t been trained properly.

Anna Musson, from Good Manners, is not only an etiquette expert, she’s the proud owner of two pugs. She does not believe dogs belong in cafes — particularly if they misbehave at home.

“Don’t ever order a meal for your dog. You should never do this. This is unhygienic and off putting for other diners. Consider bringing a bowl for your dog so they can eat on the ground, if you must,” Ms Musson said.

When it comes to using a stroller to walk your dog? Do or Don’t?

“If your dog has a disability that prevents them from walking and a baby stroller is all you have handy, go for it, but not if your dog is perfectly capable and you miss having a baby. If possible, look for a little wagon instead,” Ms Musson said.

And doggie weddings? I’ll admit I’ve never been invited to one and would probably be washing my hair that night. And yet, curiosity might get the better of me, a strange sense of FOMO or something else might twist my arm.

“A dog wedding is a lovely humorous undertaking that should only be done in fun with a closed group of like-minded friends. But this is potentially a good opportunity to stipulate, ‘no gifts please’,” Musson said.

As for my friend Clare, she’s delighted it’s the Year of the Dog. As if she needs yet another reason to celebrate all that is fabulous about her ‘baby’.