Chapter Text

**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: TEYSA KARLOV**

"I call this meeting of the Committee to Unceremoniously Neutralize Tomik into order," Teysa says, banging a gavel that is made of gold and skulls and golden skulls and skullden goals. First order of business: Get matching tattoos with the name of our association on a plane with no known laser tattoo removal shops. Second order of business: Kill Tomik."

"Yes yes yes," her three indistinguishable co-conspirators whisper schemingly, hands steepled.

"And then one of us can take his place."

"Yes yes yes," they whisper schemingerly, hands steepled at a more intense angle.

"And I'll preemptively remove myself from consideration for guildmaster, to appeal to your egos."

"Yes yes yes," the co-conspirators whisper schemingestly, breaking every bone in their fingers to achieve the rare perfect ninety-degree hand-steepling.

"Well, that's all the items on the agenda. Huddle up for the group selfie; you can tag yourselves when I post it on Jacebook."

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE: CHANDRA NALAAR**

This chapter has been intentionally left plotless.

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: KAYA DOESN'THAVEALASTNAME**

"Teyo!" Teyo's abbot shouts. "How dare you have self-esteem!"

"Sorry, sir," Teyo whimpers. "I promise it won't happen again."

Another acolyte squints, and points at the horizon. "Diamond storm on the horizon, cap'n!"

The abbot harrumphs. "Teyo, go to the diamond storm and it tell it you're unfit to lick my boots, but should still lick my boots because they're not magical self-licking boots."

"Yessir."

Kaya holds up a finger. "Wait a ghost-assassinatin' second. You're saying this plane HAS KILLER DIAMOND TORNADOES?"

"Yes, but it's a *dry* has-killer-diamond-tornadoes."

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: JACE BELEREN**

"Hey Lavinia, tell me where Vraska is, pretty please?"

"Yore-Tiller Christ, Beleren, if you need it that bad just buy a Fleshlight and duct tape a snake to it."

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX: VRASKA**

Vraska sits on her throne. And then she wipes, flushes, and walks back to her throne room.

"The devkarin are revolting," Storrev gravely intones.

"And you're going to tell me that they're rioting, too, hyuk hyuk hyuk?"

"No, I was going to tell you that they're also disgusting. Any luck finding Dovin?"

"Not yet. He's skedaddled to some plane or another."

A lightbulb lights up over Vraska's head.

"Oh, and I meant to tell you, the Izzet installed some lightbulbs down here."

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN: TEYO TICKETS TO VERADAISE**

There is a diamond storm. Teyo geometries very poorly, but then he sees Rat is in danger, and the power of love teaches him remedial trigonometry.

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT: RAL ZAREK**

Ral Zarek and The Wanderer sojourn on Ixalan. The Wanderer has been here before, because she roams around, around, around. This is odd, given that the Immortal Sun was in place pre-Mending, and its removal happened so soon before the War of the Spark. It might be a plot hole, but if Weisman didn't double check, then I, the person NOT being paid to write a consistent novel, sure as hell ain't.

The Wanderer wears a gold mask, because this book is designed to inflict as much pain to me as humanly possible. I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE IS ACTUALLY ELSPETH I WILL FSCKING BURN THE ENTIRE STATE OF WASHINGTON TO THE GROUND

Ral comments that The Wanderer is probably really pretty underneath her mask, and The Wanderer snaps back with some real bell hooks shit that comes off as hollow considering every other female character in this novel is an inert wingwang koozie.

They go to Alara.

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**CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE: TOMIK VRONA**

One of Teysa's co-conspirators walks into Tomik's office. He is a sexy vampire, and he leans over Tomik's desk, sexily.

Tomik looks up. "Excuse me, you're getting glitter on my desk."

"Hello. I'm come to seduce you and corrupt you until you give over control of the Orzhov."

"I see. I regret to inform you that I am as incorruptible as I am gay."

"And how gay is that?"

Tomik pricks his fingertip with a pen. Instead of blood, a tiny rainbow shoots out.

"Understood. Well, have a good day."

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**CHAPTER FORTY: RAT**

"You must leave the monastery forever," Abbot Barrez says to Teyo. "Your spark makes you strong. It gave you the power to hypotenuse yourself to safety in the diamond storm that killed your family. I took you in and told you that you couldn't find the curvature of your own ass with a protractor to get rid of your guilt about not being able to save them. I have nothing more to teach you. Take this." He gives Teyo a calculator. It has all of the numbers, even the secret one between seven and eight.

Jaya is mistaken for Kaya. This is hilarious!

"Alright," Teyo calls to Kaya and Rat, "let's planeswalk to Dominaria to not kill Liliana Vess, because she did good things."

"Or, hot take," Kaya suggests, "we could planeswalk to Dominaria to field dress Liliana, because she did bad things."

"It seems we are at an impasse. Like an unstoppable force and an immovable object that wants to knife a ho."

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**CHAPTER FORTY-ONE: VRASKA**

Vraska hunts Dovin Baan to the location that's been strip-teased to us over the last ten chapters. Ooh, I bet it's super clever. Maybe it's a plane we haven't seen in a while? Oh my nipples I bet it's Lorwyn. Dovin has established himself as king of the boggarts and alphabetized their collection of especially lumpy rocks. Aight, give it to me, Weisman daddy.

Vraska finally tracks down Dovin Baan on...

Ravnica?

Because it's the last place anyone would ever look?

DAMMIT WOMAN THE LAST PLACE ANYONE WOULD EVER LOOK IS LIKE THE SECOND PLACE YOU SHOULD CHECK.