Do you love football?

Do you love anything?

If you haven’t already nodded your head in agreement at the title of this post, then the answer to both of these questions is a big, fat, No. You can’t only love football when it’s conveniently presented with a Jon Gruden twinkle and Carrie Underwood’s legs, you have to love football year-round. This means loving football even after you’ve had a long day of getting grief from Annie in accounting and all you want to do is have yourself a nice little feet-soak but there’s also some middling college’s spring bowl game on. Love means you dance with two left feet. Love is a language you speak with a stutter. Love is punting on third down.

As the old saying goes, in sickness (the diseased way) and in sickness (the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 way).

And, boy, is the Canadian Football League siiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

If you’re asking yourself what just happened, that is eh-okay! The CFL operates more under feelings than logic (citation needed). In more ways than one, the CFL harkens back to a much simpler time of football. A time where people worried more about exploiting zany rules than trivial things like CTEs and finding ways to integrate Kevin Costner into your brand.

Having traces all the way back to late nineteenth century — before cars and antibiotics fucked everything up- the CFL plays out like a never ending, real life version of The Longest Yard (Sandler version). The main difference -which isn’t THAT much of a difference at all- is that it is played in Canada instead of the prison yard. The field is 110 yards long with a 55 yard mark to denote mid-field and 12.5 yards wider than your typical NFL field - possibly to compensate for something??? Just kidding. It’s proven that the CFL has smaller balls on the field (due to dimensional restrictions) but they also probably have bigger balls in the heart. You see, each team fields one more player than the NFL and is the designated ‘boner-smasher’ (citation needed). And don’t you even think for a second that the action stops there.

CFL: It’s a shot to the nuts…in a good way

There are plenty of differences between the two leagues, but the three most important might be the way the offense operates, kicking, and salary caps. In addition to having a whole new player to work with, the offense is also allowed to basically have everyone in motion before the play starts. In conjunction with a shorter playclock, this leads to almost-nonstop movement. It’s like an even more-sexed up Michael Bay film on rabies WITHOUT the dancing robot on FOX. Kicking is much different in the CFL because, quite frankly, the kickers couldn’t hit the broadside of . They are, however, just as integral due to the addition of The Rogue. The Rogue is what the offense is going for in the video embedded above. It’s a single point play where the ball goes through the endzone or lands in it in the event of a missed field goal. If the ball lands in the endzone, the play stops once the ball is motionless and the defending team can themselves punt it out until then…I think? A game in 1947 ended 2–0 with the Toronto Argonauts besting the Hamilton Tigers, but I’d say the true winners were the human race.

With the league minimum being $41,000 and the average player making about $80,000, there’s little in the way of contract drama in the CFL. These players want blood and glory at any cost. If that means MacGyver-ing their life into working two jobs, then so be it. These players will do anything it takes to win the Grey Cup over the CFL’s 20 week (!!!) regular season. Edmonton once had a player who used to soak his Jersey in water before games so that the cold Canadian air would freeze it over, making him slippery and harder to tackle. Saskatchewan once had a man who faked an arm injury to beat the ever-living shit out of opposing players with his cast. Interviews with archival footage of players look and sound more like war stories than games, and that’s just the way they like it.

The teams, fans, and players in the CFL are fueled by booze, piss and vinegar, and fuck-you. Like, at least twice fuck-you as the NFL. The above video finds two CFL titans getting pissed at each other for a game that happened FORTY YEARS AGO. I haven’t even been alive for forty years! I would have to go out today right now, get into some competitive altercation, and let my ensuing guilt rot and stir until it is old enough to drive in order to even come close. In the unedited version of that video, one of the player jokes to the audience that he once named a dog after the other guy and then beat the shit out of that dog. That’s how much fuck-you the CFL has.

Now without further adieu (french-canadian word), let’s look at the teams and why you should or should not pick them based on my heavy bias.

WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS

As seen in the above video, the Blue Bombers are basically a real-life Madden glitch. How else do you explain the complete absurdity of not winning a Grey Cup Championship in the past 26 years despite playing in a league in which six out of nine teams go to the playoffs? God did not intend for Winnipeg to have a football team. Speaking of divine punishment: like the Cleveland Browns, these guys aren’t always the worst of the bunch, but they’ve consistently disappointed and underperformed. To give you an indication of how well their current season is going, this is (at the time of this writing) week 5 of the 20 week regular season and they have scored just as many points as 2 of the bottom 3 teams…and they have played one more game than each due to byes. Abandon all success, ye who enter here.

Recommended If: you listen to Bright Eyes, use Tumblr, use coupons on a first date

EDMONTON ESKIMOS

It’s pretty rare that you find an assembled that fucks as much as the Edmonton Eskimos. Home to college legend Jordan Lynch and the most recent Grey Cup champions, Edmonton is your ticket to not only understanding the CFL, but also to embracing it. It’s like getting your prostate massaged in paraded pleasure and eternal ecstasy for the first time -foreign, yet familiar. I mean, I haven’t done it because that’s gross, but I’m probably heading toward that event horizon. This is only my first CFL season, after all. Like the Green Bay Packers, the Eskimos are publicly owned and are currently one of the top offensive talents in maple land. They have a few question marks on the defensive side, but are otherwise considered a pretty safe bet at repeating.

Recommend if: you think that 1v1’s in Smash Bros is the best way to play the game, drink Hamm’s, never got into Beyblades but played them at a friend’s house once or twice.

SASKATCHAWAN ROUGHRIDERS

Look at it.

Look. at. it.

LOOK.

AT.

IT.

Gainer’s costume feeds on screams and whispers. He is the physical manifestation of hearing your parents argue through the walls as a child. He banged your wife after just having told you your dog died.

The Roughriders, like the Blue Bombers, are currently on the bottom side of the CFL power rankings after suffering a devastating injury to their starting quarterback, who may now be out for the season. Despite winning the Grey Cup in 2013, the Roughriders have been a team that has not experienced much success in their post-season runs. The Blue Bombers, their fiercest rivals, often make fun of them for being around for 116 years and only producing 4 championships. And yet, through all of this, Roughrider fans remain fiercely loyal and drunk. They know that they are in for a rough ride, but they will enjoy what they signed up for anyways. They are the Bills of the north.

Recommended if: you can’t remember the last weekend you went without a drink, Trailer Park Boys is one of your favorite shows, you are currently studying any level of higher education philosophy

HAMILTON TIGER-CATS

The Tiger-Cats are a union of two former Hamilton teams, the Wildcats and the Tigers. That’s some inspired naming! Combined, they own three of the worst CFL seasons in the history of the league, including two winless seasons within four years of each other and a season in the 90’s that produced one win. They are literally the team with the lowest lows but also some of the highest highs. They are consistently in the hunt for the cup and make the playoffs often. Much like the Steelers, the Tiger-Cats hail from a steel-based town and are traditionally known for their defense. Which is good, because they will need to defend their name against new CFL fans early and often.

Recommended if: you have no imagination, you play pogs by yourself after a few beers, you have relatives who shot put

Montreal Alouettes

The Alouettes may be the most famous CFL team in the states due to them enlisting in the NFL’s Chad Johnson and the NFL’s first openly gay draft pick, Michael Sam in recent years. They also acted as a resume builder to ex-Bears Head Coach and current Ravens Offensive Coordinator, Marc Trestman. Currently, they are on fire. Less in a ‘wow, these guys are pretty good!’ way and more in a ‘I still hear their screams every single night — I can’t sleep — I miss you — God do I miss you — it’s been eight years’ sort of way. It’s tragic. Astoundingly, they actually do have a win in comparison to the current Roughriders losing streak, but they also have almost half as many points (42) in comparison the next lowest scoring teams (three are tied at 80). The Alouettes absolutely cannot get anything going on either side of the ball. With a history of success, this rebuilding year could be a nice time to get in on the ground floor and see some upsets. Use caution with this pick as you will be drinking heavily to remember or to forget.

Recommended if: you need a strong American connection to a team, your favorite Christopher Nolan film is the Dark Knight Rises, you wear Skechers as an adult

OTTAWA REDBLACKS

You hate the Ottawa Redblacks. There’s not much more to be said about a team that’s only on its third season, yet already made it to a championship (albeit, they lost). The Redblacks are basically that guy who only participates in things he knows he will excel at, afraid to make any missteps or try anything new. Currently, they are easily the number one team and with two different quarterbacks that are currently on fire (the good kind), it’s hard to see an end in sight. One can easily imagine another repeat of last year’s Grey Cup matchup versus the Eskimos this year as long as they can stay healthy. But ask yourself: do you really want to be on the side of evil? If Hitler rooted for a Canadian Football team, it probably would have been this one.

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CALGARY STAMPEDERS

Despite having a logo with a man clearly riding a horse and having a name that clearly brings to mind a large group of horses, the Calgary Stampeders have a dog as a mascot. A dog that always looks like you just interrupted his bong rips by rudely asking him to go get the mail or take out the trash. That’s some inspired and gritty subversion if you ask me. This football team is the third oldest in the league and is about as close to middle of the pack as you can get. They’ve sustained periods of both success and disillusionment, but no streak has been too terrific or terrible to write home about. This team is most assuredly like the Cowboys in that regard, but they have been riding a nice wave lately with a lot of playoff appearances and a Grey Cup win in 2014. This team is a safe bet to go deep in the playoffs without feeling too obvious.

Recommended if: you only eat the red candies, you like dogs but aren’t afraid to swing for the fences with a girl on tinder who has a horse in her profile pic, you desperately want to hold a Frank Sinatra party but don’t know enough people who would be down for that to make it worthwhile

BC LIONS

Vancouver is a pretty cool city, but I can’t help but feel like there’s a missed opportunity here. The logo looks like a cougar. The team is based in Vancouver. They couldn’t be the Vancougars? I just feel like that’s such a logical leap to make. Here, I’ll even make a mock up for the logo right now:

seriously, my rates are super affordable

Much better. The BC Lions are the epitome of sustained success in the modern era, making it to the playoffs for the last 19 seasons and winning the Grey Cup in three of them. They are another team that won’t blow you away, but their defense will always keep them competitive. The Lions could potentially roar themselves into a championship if their offense can find the right tempo. I’m not typing that sentence ever again.

Recommended for: people who enjoy missed opportunities, using coupons on the second or third date, people who watch the crossfit competitions on tv at the gym

Toronto Argonauts

Ah, Toronto, is there anything you can’t do? Growing up, the first thing I would always say at family gatherings was always, “Toronto will never play host to the biggest pop star of the twenty-first century” and boy was I wrong! It’s a city on the grow thanks to Drake, the raptors, and, most importantly, the sustained success of North America’s longest-running sports franchise, the Toronto Argonauts. Toronto has won the Grey Cup sixteen(!) times and appeared in 22 contests. While they may not be at the top of their game, they are about as middle of the pick as you can get in a nine team league. I would definitely put them at 4.5 in my power rankings. If you want to impress some sorority girls with your CFL knowledge, this has gotta be the pick.

Recommended if: you like big boy cities, you like the word Argonauts, you’ve got dreams of making it on broadway