If your birthday is this week: The stars say, a Wal Mart cake is not an indication that your parents don’t love you. They never loved you.

Aries: Error 404, fortune not found.

Taurus: Your boss will catch you getting high in the freezer in the back of Wendy’s. The worst part is, you don’t work at Wendy’s.

Gemini: You will get out of a parking ticket by successfully pleading insanity.

Lemini: Your attempt at creating a defense contractor company as a tax shelter is a complete failure and it nets $4.6 billion dollars in government contracts.

Cancer: You will discover that making sweet love to your Xbox voids the warranty.

Leo: You will be haunted by the ghosts of roommates past, who urge you to do the dishes more than once a month.

Virgo: This week, you’ll discover that you should really tranquilize pitbulls before you attempt to tag them for study.

Libra: Your frat will hold a practice kegger, which goes completely wrong leaving everyone sober and not at all embarrassed by their behavior.

Scorpio: You will spot yourself in the crowd scene of a French porno.

Sagittarius: You will punch a groundhog, who will later successfully sue you for all the tubers in your fridge.

Capricorn: You’ll learn that diving for a Frisbee is dangerous when you’re playing catch on top of a skyscraper.

Aquarius: You assassin skills will improve, but you’re still a dumbass when it comes to balancing your checkbook.

Pisces: You’ll do a lot of writing this week, most just the letter “J”.