Lucha libre is for people bored of the WWE's plodding realism. American wrestling is to lucha libre as American football is to real football: It has far bigger but wimpier men who need to stop every 30 seconds for a bit of a rest. North America split the superheroic fantasy into two wrestling federations: The U.S. got inhuman musculature and the ability to monologue mid-combat, while Mexico took the masks, capes and nonstop ass-kicking. A good lucha fight looks like two men who were swallowed by a giant invisible break-dancing washing machine are blaming each other to death. When you play a lucha DVD, the fighters go through more revolutions than the disc.

And I'm Cracked's official luchador.

Mask by Kink Engineering Lucha Latex Libra [NSFW], photo by Paul Hillier

Cracked doesn't actually know yet, but I'm fairly sure they won't challenge anyone who looks like this.

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Lucha movies feature battles against Spanish-speaking moon Nazis, Atlanteans and evil wrestlers, and that was all in one movie. One movie that wasn't as crazy as the one we're about to tackle. Lucha movies handle threats to the world with all the wonder of a child's imagination and a slightly smaller budget. And one of the craziest and cheapest movies was Santo el Enmascarado de Plata y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos.