The weight of that lock alone would tear my penis off!

Are you a dude? Are you a dude who's been itching to lock away his privates but hasn't found a pecker locker with the right finish yet? Well the wait is over, because CB-X ("the world leader in male chastity") has you covered with a new designer collection featuring chrome, camo and wood finishes (sorry, no Spongebob Squarepants one yet). My penis? My penis already has a wood finish. Get it? "Oh, we get it." I don't think you do -- I'm an Ent.

Male chastity devices restrict a man from touching his genitals for sexual pleasure. The male chastity device gives the Keyholder control over the sexual fulfillment of both partners by denying the wearer the touch he has had all of his life. His focus is now on when he can experience sexual gratification, and the Keyholder has complete control over the wearer's pleasure. This denied access means the wearer must please the Keyholder in order to receive the pleasure he craves.

I don't even want to think of what sort of sick redneck fantasies involve a camo penis clamp, but I can imagine. I can also imagine them serving an actual purpose. Think about it: you're camping in the woods, a bear wanders by, AND WANTS A PIECE OF THAT. But, wait a minute -- your penis is invisible! BOOM, crisis averted.

Thanks to TBTMH, who told me the best chastity belt isn't a belt at all -- they're suspenders. Really? I heard it was a bolo tie.