Act 1 - He’s Fucked.

Dan found Retro sitting on a bench across the street from the nearby QuantumMart, where he was buying some Beneful-flavored condoms.

He shifts his eyes away, clammy palms and sweaty forehead.

He is shy.

But he doesn’t want anyone else at R-Monstercat, the club he hosts, to know that, because he’s top fuckin’ dog.

Nobody can know of his secret love for Retro Pixl, and his shrine in his dog porn-filled closet.

He checks his surroundings.

The street is empty, with the occasional shitposter flying by on a moped.

The QuantumMart is closed for the evening. Evans had to kick a few people out for stealing some Mars bars.

There’s one of those weird fuckin’ inflatable arms guy standing at the bench near Retro. Looks like it’s punching him right in the kisser, but Dan doesn’t care. That shit’s hot.

Retro spots him from afar. He waves his arms like the epileptic rubber man next to him.

Dan gets a rager.

He tries to hide it with his bag-o-doggy-condoms but nothing can hide what is the porn-blogger’s bloated boner.

Retro seems to not notice though, but he does notice Dan’s frantic and panicked look on his face.

He shrugs it off. It’s Dan, right? Maybe he’s just rehearsing for some kickass set he’s gonna drop at the party tonight.

Retro goes back to getting slapped the fuck in the face by the inflatable man.

But there’s one problem with Dan’s situation.

His apartment is across the street.

Where Retro is sitting.

He’s fucked.

Dan checks his surroundings once more when he notices an empty Mars bar wrapper.

Probably from the robbery, he thinks.

He takes the wrapper and covers his donger with it, to try to trick Retro into thinking it’s just a candy bar.

What a mistake he’s made.

He crosses the street with his candy-wrapped delight.

Retro bids him nearer, and Dan approaches him.

“Hey Dan! Party tonight?”

Dan nods his head furiously.

“Nice! Hey… is that candy?”

Dan breaks a sweat.

Retro -- not being the sharpest tool in the shed (sorry buddy <3) -- takes a big chomp out of the candy-majigger.

With the wrapper on.

Which is covering Dan’s red rocket.

Dan shrieks.

Retro cocks his head in surprise.

Dan’s face turns red, and he sheds a tear.

With a high-pitched voice, he squeaks: “yepseeyoutonight”

He retreats into his house.