WASHINGTON—In an effort to alleviate her sorrow after the tragic event, President Donald Trump reportedly comforted the grieving widow of a fallen soldier Thursday by assuring her that he will never die. “I know things are very difficult for you right now, but I hope you can take some solace in the knowledge that I am going to live on forever,” said Trump in a phone call to Deborah Stilling, attempting to sooth the woman who lost her spouse in Afghanistan with promises that he would outlast her, her children, and her children’s children. “Yes, your husband is gone, but remember that the commander-in-chief he served will always remain, and no one can ever take that away from you. Dry your eyes; I’m still here.” At press time, Trump, who was reportedly unsuccessful in lifting the widow’s spirits, offered repeated assurances that he would thrive long after the sun had expanded into a red giant and swallowed the Earth.



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