Though this review breaks with my obscure and retro media reviews, I thought it would be fun to review a Christian romantic comedy for Valentine’s Day. And of course, I had to choose Christian Mingle: The Movie — which has a 4.3/10 on IMDB and a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes. The movie can be streamed on Netflix, or you can watch for free on YouTube (unless copyright takes it down):

Plot Summary

The movie begins with some CGI heavenly clouds, and our main protaganist, Gwyneth Hayden, giving an opening narration about her dating woes, which includes her saying: “I thought I was looking for Mr. Right. But along the way, I found Him — thats ‘Him’ with a capital H.” From the opening beat, they drop you into a septic tank of boiling cringe, and I was loving every moment. We play out the introduction while pictures of marriage proposals as Toby Mac’s “Me Without You” plays. If anything ever fit a Christian romcom, it’s “Me Without You” by Toby Mac.

Gwyneth is 30 years old, and is the ultimate Christian trope of someone who is kind of spiritual but not religious. In other words, she already accepts the Christian narrative to be true, but she has yet to undergo a conversion experience — i.e., be “born again” — and she doesn’t live out Christian social conduct (she even talks about drinking wine! Gasp!). Unfortunately for precious little Gwyn, she still hasn’t found a decent guy to marry. Though she goes on plenty of dates, the men are always too full of themselves. This includes a scene at the beginning where her date spends the entire dinner checking out other ‘babes’, and eventually leaves to hit on them. What a legend (just kidding, don’t be this kind of tool).

Gwyn works at a marketing company, where she is forced to make mediocre products look appealing to consumers. Her employer is a bald man, who actually wears a boat captain’s clothing 24/7 (yes, with the hat!). He informs Gwenyth that he’s bringing in a seller who is basically the FlexTape guy of baldness-curing pills. She will have to come up with a marketing strategy to sell these obviously fake pills.

Feeling disenfranchised from her failing lack of romance and unfulfilling career, Gwyn sees a commercial for Christian Mingle dating site, and decides to give it a go…even though she’s not a Christian. Whilst on the site, she meets a man named Paul (of course he’s named after an Apostle). Gwyn then reads a few Wikipedia articles and buys Christianity for Dummies, hoping to fake her way through the date.

Gwyneth is successful in fooling Paul, and they begin dating. After going to Bible studies and church with Paul’s friends and family, Gwyn really starts catching the feels for our khaki-wearing knight in shining armor.

Unfortunately, Paul goes to Mexico for a month on a missions trip with his family. Gwyneth is distraught, thinking their relationship is over. But Paul invites her down to Mexico to join the missions trip, where Gwyn’s lack of faith really shines. Paul’s narcissistic and egomaniacal mother — who is the archetype of a rich, white, conservative Christian female — finds Gwen’s Christianity for Dummies book. On top of this criminal offense, Gwyn doesn’t even know Spanish! Yeah, I neglected to understand why that was such a problem, but apparently, all of Paul’s family and friends speak fluent Spanish (as every Christian should??). But the most condemning evidence comes when Gwyneth doesn’t know a one-liner Bible verse that easily solves the problem of evil (i.e., why would an all-loving and all-powerful God allow severe suffering to happen to innocent people). Come on, Gwyneth! The problem of evil has plagued the most brilliant philosophers and theologians since the dawn of humanity, but you ought to be able to solve the problem on the spot by quoting scripture verses you already memorized. Get it together, Gwynny.

Paul, upset about being lied to, dumps Gwyn. However, this causes her to embark on a deep soul-searching adventure after — once again — seeing a commercial for Christian Mingle. In the midst of this soul-searching, Gwyneth tries to get back together with Paul. But Paul has already moved on, and is dating a woman who calls herself “Kel-Kel” and waves with only one finger. It’s the woman his mother wants him to marry. Though heartbroken, Gwyn eventually converts to Christianity, and actually moves back to the Mexican village from the mission trip in order to teach English.

But that’s when the magic happens. After year, and right before Christmas, Paul shows up at the Mexican village and confesses to Gwyn that he loved her all along. Paul dumped Kel-Kel, so now he and Gwyn can date, just like God wanted all along.

My Top Memorable Takeaways

1. Paul

Paul’s character had me nearly mesmerized throughout the film. Why? First, he is the archetype of the ideal Christian nice guy for the 21st century. He’s got it all: a generic plaid shirt tucked into his khakis, a modest haircut, refers to his dad as “Papa,” and unironically uses phrases like “Praise the Lord” in casual conversation, and “Next stop: the delicious train” when he’s about to take a bite of his food. You just know that he only listens to Christian worship music, and he’s read all the books John Eldridge has ever published. I was quite surprised that he never mentioned words like “courting,” “purity,” or “I’m not kissing a woman until I get married.” In fact, he and Gwyn kiss twice in the film, which I thought was out of line for Paul’s hyper-virginal character. He’s basically the ‘final girl’ trope from an 80s slasher film incarnate in a rich, white, Christian male.

Second, while Paul is most definitely the ideal Christian man, I was also 90% certain that he was a serial killer. Unfortunately, I was wrong. This is actually my hope for any romcom or Hallmark Channel movie I watch. If I were to write a movie, the plot would go as follows: The movie follows the most stereotypical plot for a cheesy love story (with corney music and cringy dialogue). And then in the 3rd act, we find out that her love interest is actually a murderer, who is stalking her and her friends, killing them one by one. So basically, it would turn into a slasher flick. But!!! None of the movie’s atmosphere or aesthetic would change from a romcom. The music would still be cheesy, and the sets/lighting would all look the same as the movie continues to grow more horrifying.

Honestly, I was disappointed that Christian Mingle didn’t take this direction, but oh well. Paul is still a babe.

2. The Painfully Awkward Dating Scenes







These dating scenes were so painful to watch. It was as if every cringy or awkward thing you’ve ever done on a date was wrapped into these encounters. Their dialogue is beyond cheesy, and made me actually feel sorry for the characters. I have no idea how they kept going on dates with each other, because you’d figure the awkwardness would overwhelm them.

Then again, it’s probably better than what I do when I’m on dates, which involves extensively quoting Friedrich Nietzsche, discussing what antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication we’re taking, and talking about death metal music. That probably also explains why I haven’t been on a date in a couple of years (that’s not an over-exaggeration).

3. God’s Providence Works Through Christian Mingle

If you love campy movies or the “so bad it’s good” type, then there are plenty of things to love about this film. Perhaps the best is simply the thought that throughout this movie, God’s providence (i.e., God’s ability to see God’s own will come to fruition within the created world) is enacted through ChristianMingle.com. What gets Gwyneth started on the path to righteousness? A Christian Mingle commercial. What causes her to seek Jesus after Paul breaks up with her? A Christian Mingle commercial. Why does Gwyneth become a Christian? Christian Mingle! In fact, if you think about it, this entire movie is basically just a long commercial for Christian Mingle. And if you watch it, perhaps God will magically give you a boyfriend too (*fingers crossed*).

Could someone please develop this notion into a fleshed-out systematic theology? Should I start a new denomination with doctrine officially stating that God reveals Godself in Christian Mingle commercials? Now I desperately want to hear an actual conversion testimony that involves Christian Mingle.

Admittedly, I think it’s rather odd that Gwyneth (a non-Christian!) even signs up for Christian Mingle in the first place. That might be the biggest plot hole in the movie. I suppose they could’ve fixed that with showing her trying other dating sites and failing, but I don’t recall that ever happening. When she decides to try online dating, Christian Mingle is her first choice simply because she saw a commercial for it. I’m pretty most Christians don’t even have Christian Mingle as their first choice.

4. Taking Your GF to a Bible Study







Paul taking Gwyneth to his Bible study is the most realistic part of the film. Taking your significant other to your church’s Bible study/small group is the ‘second base’ of Christian dating.

Paul’s friends are also the most stereotypically ‘weird’ Christians I’ve ever seen. They actually use the phrase “Praise the Lord” in response to any positive statement. In fact, part of me thought that this was really a cult, and this was all part of a ‘grooming’ process to eventually sacrifice Gwyn to Cthulhu. Unfortunately, the film didn’t take this direction, and we are left with characters who are actually just this painfully awkward and decorate their house like a Sunday School classroom.

“Sky’s the Limit with Jesus”

“Jesus Loves You”

5. Incoherent Conversion Testimonies

I by no means wish to make fun of actual stories people share about converting to a new religion. Luckily, the ‘conversion testimonies’ in this film are so unrealistic, I don’t have to worry about offending anyone.

First, there is Paul’s father’s (“Papa’s”) conversion to Christianity. Papa came of age in the 60s, and was drifting through life, indulging in a hippie-lifestyle. When one day on a beach, he came across a piece of driftwood. He took that wood back home, studied it extensively, and carved it into a statue of Jesus. Then, he felt a strong presence of God that changed his life forever… I’m sorry, but I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and postulate that this was most likely something induced by copious amounts of LSD.

Paul’s own conversion story is even better. It’s undoubtedly the most incoherent narrative I’ve ever heard, so I’ll just type it out in full:

Paul: “My ‘driftwood moment’ actually happened when I was 13. I entered the science fair at school, and I built this maze for mice to run through. I had them in two cages, and on one cage, I had flashing red lights and head-banging music going 24/7. And on the other one, I had soft blue light, and classical music going. And my hypothesis was that the mice in the tripped-out cage would run the maze faster because they were all hyped-up. And the mellow mice would just wander through without really caring. And right before every run, I would give the mice a sniff of this big chunk of Swiss cheese that I had at the end of the maze — their prize. Somewhere in the middle of it all, none of that mattered anymore because I go so fixated on the notion of the cheese — that prize that both sets of mice had a sent and ultimately were drawn to. Each had their own path, but the goal was the same.” Gwyneth: “Don’t tell me you saw Jesus in the Cheese…” Paul: “No. But it reminded me so much of what I had been doing as a kid. Searching for something that I had a sense of, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Suddenly, it all clicked. The cheese — Jesus’ love — was waiting for me. So in that weekend, I won the science fair, and found my prize: a love in Christ.”

How does Gwyneth respond to this story? “Well, sweet Cheesus.”

Amen.

6. Boat Guy

This character makes absolutely no sense. He’s head of a marketing company (the one Gwyn works for), but he dresses like boat captain. He even talks to his employees as if he were a captain. His character’s driving purpose is an obsessive desire to find a cure for baldness. However, I don’t recall any mention of him having any involvement whatsoever in boating-related activities. I think the writers must have come up with him through some kind of ‘random character generator’ online.

7. Christian Cliches

This film’s dialogue relies heavily on the use of religious cliches. Here are some of my favorite moments:

When Paul breaks up with Gwyneth and starts dating Kelly (“Kel-Kel”), Gwyn meets Paul at a park bench, and tries to convince Paul that Kelly isn’t right for him, and he’s only dating her to please his mom. Paul, however, is quite upset at this suggestion, and replies, “I don’t think it’s a good idea that we see each other anymore. I’ll pray for you. I will. But you’re so off base.” This is the closest a Christian can get to cursing. “I’ll pray for you, but…”

After Gwyneth visit Paul’s church to meet his family, they all go out to eat at a restaurant called “Steak and Cake” (which literally only serves unholy amounts of steak and cake). Gwyneth is told to pray over the meal by Paul’s mother (an excellent power move), and she struggles to finish the prayer because she can’t remember to say “Amen.” When she finally does say it, Kel-Kel one-ups her by saying, “In Jesus name, amen.” Dang, Kel-Kel. Hold back on your absolute destruction.

My favorite is when Gwyneth and Paul were on their first coffee date (drinking from the viking-sized goblets of coffee), Gwyneth triest to prove she’s actually a Christian and so prays over their coffee. During the prayer, she says, “Thank you so much for bringing Paul and I together.” This statement is basically a mandatory one for any Christian first or second date. And if you don’t say it, someone else will. In fact, several years ago, I had been seeing this young Christian woman, and she invited me over to her house to eat dinner with her parents. During the father’s prayer, he thanked God for bringing this girl and I together. I’m telling you: it’s obligatory, and will happen even if you try to avoid it.

(Oh, she dumped me like a month later)

8. The Reviews on IMDB

I highly recommend you go to this link and read what people are saying about this movie. It’s hilarious: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3398066/reviews?ref_=tt_urv

Here are some of my favorite titles and quotes:

“At least get your scripture references correct…”

“Offensive, Anti-Christian and Racist”

“I was shocked at how rude, unwelcoming, and elitist they all were to [Gwyneth].”

“How is it that a supposedly faith-based production company can’t even get Christians right?”

“I spent the whole movie trying to figure out if this movie was an intentional parody of Christians or a movie that would have a Christian message at the end.”

“Watch this film if you don’t enjoy watching humanity.”

“If you and your friends are bored and need a movie to make fun of on a Friday night, this is the film for you.”

“Oh dear god…. pun intended”

Concluding Thoughts

I love terrible romantic comedies, and this movie might be my new favorite romcom. Not only does it scrape the the bottom of the barrel for ‘Hallmark movie’ standards, it also blends these cringy elements with terrible Christian movie tropes. Though it almost dies in the second act, this movie was still fantastically bad. Definitely an achievement within cinematic history for combining a Hallmark romcom with a Christian “sermon-disguised-as-a-movie” film. I absolutely recommend this to anyone who loves campy Christian media.

What did you think? Was this movie painful to watch, or just terrible enough to be enjoyable? Is this simply an hour and 40 minute long Christian Mingle commercial, or can you find some possible redeeming quality in the plot? Are there any tropes of Christian dating that they left out from the movie? Let me know in the comments. Hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.