Chapter 3: The fluff chapter.

AKA, The Word Count Never Bothered Me Anyways.

A/N: The author's writings over on /r/Frozen should prove the point that she can't fucking write fluff, but the outline calls for the fluff chapter at 3 in order to save readers since there's been no kiss or frick frack yet.

Anna died a bit as Principal Weselton handed her a tutoring notice—for Anna to participate in, not for Anna to teach, oh God that would be fucking terrible, she was always a lousy student—and telling her that one of those subjects would be Chemistry, until her grades improved.

Anna snickered, and made a silent vow to tank every test, for another moment with Elsa.

It just wasn't fair. Her parents demanded that Anna eat at the fucking dinner table once a [redacted] week, even if both of her parents were gone on business for a month at a time—her [redacted] father demanded that she use a [redacted] webcam, to make certain that Anna wasn't a Liar (with a capitol L, not to be confused with the grammatically correct capital.)

Today wasn't one of those blessed dinners where her parents were both gone on business—they were both here. And they were here with Elsa. That smoking hot, drop dead gorgeous Chemistry teacher that she wanted to do some extra credit for was sitting right next to her, and the long tablecloth completely hid Anna's left hand from view. If it hadn't been for the tablecloth, someone would ask questions. Namely, why the [redacted] was Anna's hand literally frozen to the bottom of the table?

That didn't stop Anna from giving Elsa the look. You know, the one that's, like totally inappropriate for a dinner conversation with your parents, much less both of your parents? But, if David or Leslie Arendelle noticed (because who the fuck goes by Akthar and Idunn these days?), they said nothing about it, until…

"Elsa, you have nice lips," Anna blurted out. Anna does a lot of blurting. Yes, I just [redacted] on you. Grammar [redacted], get over it.

Elsa had the shame to blush. "I.. uh…"

"They're fuller! So plump and moist…"

"Anna, please stop," Elsa begged.

"Anna, sweetie, it's nice that you've finally found a respectable person to lust after, but don't do it at the dinner table," David said nonchalantly.

"Yes, dear, courtship's so much more fun when you're having to sneak around because you're trying to be intimate with your brother," Leslie agreed.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Elsa all but screeched. "You.. you two fucking [redacted]?"

"Naturally. Why do you think you both have magic powers? That shit sure as hell didn't fuckin' arrive because storks delivered you. And people say a lack of genetic diversity is a bad thing…"

Elsa stared in horror as her father/uncle started making out with her mother/aunt, who in turn had just blessed Anna's pursuit of her sister/cousin.

And this is why incest is fucking illegal…

After dinner, Elsa retreated to the guest room she was expected to occupy for the next eight to ten hours, and locked the door. She then went into the attached bathroom, and locked that door, for good measure. Sure, those [redacted] that she had to call family had mentioned that they both had powers, but while ice was strong, it could only act so quickly. Maybe two locked doors would be able to keep her sister out, For Good.

Elsa [redacted] slowly, and then entered the steaming hot water and sat down. Just as she was working shampoo into her hair, she heard a familiar voice, "Wow, you've got nice tits, too."

Elsa splashed and floundered and shrieked, her face turning Fifty Shades of red. "You're worse than a fuckin' Twilight fanfic," Elsa spat venomously.

"Do you wanna be a Cobra?" Anna sung?

"Go fuck yourself," Elsa said.

"You know, there's a fine line between love and hate. Sooner or later, you're going to realize that your deep-seated hatred towards me is self-loathing because you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I think you're one fine piece of ass myself…"

Elsa ducked her hair under the water, and then whipped it back up, splashing some of the soapy, hot water into Anna's eyes. While the red-headed lunatic rubbed at her eyes, Elsa turned the water back on, quickly finished getting the rest of the shampoo out of her hair (because it's like more than half of the writers of bath scenes have never tried to take a bath with long hair before. You don't get all the soap out if you just dunk your head under, people. When in doubt, ask someone with some hair.), and then hopped out of the bathroom.

Anna, however, had pulled the rug away.

With a resounding twack, Elsa landed flat on her bottom, avoiding slamming her head into any of the surrounding bathroom fixtures that would have caused more serious damage. Elsa hurriedly pulled herself together, and by the time Anna was done saving her eyesight, Elsa had a towel wrapped around her torso.

Just a towel.

"Look here," Elsa said, and Anna's eyes immediately traveled to Elsa's chest. "No, in my eyes, you [redacted]. You can't just assume that because I'm not married and because you want me that I want you in return."

"Aw, how sweet! You want me!"

"I never said that! I don't want you, I don't want anything to do with you if you're going to act like this! You have been objectifying me ever since we first met. That's worse than anything any of my real partners have done."

"What was her name?" Anna asked. "Your one real partner."

Elsa grumbled. "There's been two. Meg was a mistake—"

"Ha! You are a lesbian!"

"And Jack was sweet, he just died when we were both seventeen."

"…Wait, what?"

"… It is possible, in the current day and age, to be bisexual."

"So… you're gay?"

"No."

"Ew! So you're a slut!"

"… I hardly see how having two serious relationships makes me a slut."

"Well, surely you slept with other people in between?" Anna asked innocently.

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, come on, Hans and I used to do it all the time, before he proposed to me."

"… Are you serious?"

"I accepted, of course."

"… There's no point in getting married while in high school…"

"And then we had a threesome with Kristoff. You've met Kristoff, right?"

"…I did not need to know that…"

"Anyways, Hans got jealous because I had a pregnancy scare afterwards, and"

"…Who the hell has sex in high school without using a condom these days?..."

"And anyways, we agreed to stop playing the field. Thank you for outing him in class, because otherwise he'd just lie and slap me around a little bit—"

"…And you're okay with being hit?...

"Oh, sure, yeah! Since violence against women is both severe and an overused trope in Angst/Drama fan fics."

"…Did you get dropped on your head when you were little?..."

"But this way, he can't deny a thing, so I'm A-O-Kay!"

"… I don't think that's how you spell that…"

Anna seized the moment of Elsa's distraction to teleport over and give her sister a hug, while simultaneously trying to disrobe her. Just as she was about to succeed, a path of frost from where Elsa was standing to the bathroom door magically appeared, and Anna slipped, hitting her head against the sink.

Elsa left her there long enough to get dressed and to thaw the ice, before having the good grace to inform her parents/aunt and uncle of their daughter/niece's plight.