WASHINGTON—With many respondents saying the country has made notable strides during that time, a poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that over half of American voters believe the United States is better off now than it was four eons ago. “Obviously things aren’t perfect, but on the whole I’m pleased with our breathable atmosphere and the lack of massive asteroid impacts, which is something you couldn’t say a few eons back,” poll respondent David Freeman told reporters, noting that while the economy could be stronger, he thinks America has moved forward since existing as the roiling mass of molten stone it was just a few billion years ago. “We’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s easy to take for granted that we live in a nation where organic molecules are plentiful and water is a substance that exists. All things considered, I think we’re doing okay.” The poll found, however, that more than 4 in 10 voters feel the U.S. is considerably worse off than it was four eons ago and called for a return to the country’s 450-degree Fahrenheit roots.

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