Why being a stay-at-home dad is harder than it sounds

Compassion fatigue – that’s what they call it.

By Chris McGuire Friday, 27th September 2019, 7:00 am

Father Chris McGuire

There’s so much to worry about, coming from so many different sources, bombarding us all day long that, eventually, we just close down – we stop feeling. We stop caring.

There are days when it would be great to turn down the world’s volume a notch or two. Despite this seeming oversaturation of problems, I want raise the plight of fathers. “Oh no, what’s wrong with fathers now?” I hear you cry. “We’re far too busy worrying about war, the environment, toxic politics, terrorism and the like, to concern ourselves with dads too.” While the last thing I want to do is add a new ‘worthy’ cause to the tsunami of woes we find ourselves flooded with, we can’t ignore that managing to be dad in 21st century Britain isn’t easy. Fatherhood, in our society, is in need of examination – and urgently.

Sign up to our daily newsletter The i newsletter cut through the noise Sign up Thanks for signing up! Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. Submitting...

The way our families function has, for many of us, changed. We live in a time where, after decades of pushing for change, equality for women is a political and social issue at the forefront of all of our minds – and rightly so. Mothers are breaking away from the outmoded conventions that burdened them with the bulk of childcare within a family – a responsibility arbitrarily assigned as a result of their gender.

The job isn’t complete, but the movement towards equality for women is well underway, so now it’s time now to look at the other side of the equation. You see, in the light of this seismic change, fathers are being forgotten and this omission is having a negative effect on both men and women. In basic terms, if mothers are to be released from the societal expectation that they will do the vast majority of parenting, logically this provision needs to be taken up by somebody else and increasing numbers of fathers are becoming primary carers: filling this gap. The thing is we, as a society aren’t making it easy for these plucky dads.

As a collective we haven’t updated our software regarding fathers. This hasn’t happened in a long, long, time. Dads, in the way they’re dealt with in the workplace and depicted in the media, are still seen as hands off, secondary parents. Part-timers. Understudies. These views are unhelpful in the extreme.

But the problem goes deeper. Those who are active in a childcare context, are often regarded in an openly hostile manner. The belief still abounds that it is unmanly to look after small children – real men don’t change nappies. In fact, today in 2019, some people still think there’s something quite unnatural about men in this role. Look at the criticism Piers Morgan heaped upon Daniel Craig for carrying his child in a papoose – the former newspaper editor used the #EmasculatedBond hashtag. Literally the only thing this actor was perceived to do ‘wrong’ was carry his own child – an action that, in itself, supposedly eviscerated his masculinity. If things are this bad for supermen like James Bond, how the hell are the rest of us dads going to feel?

This is a real issue. I was amazed about the prejudice I encountered on becoming a stay at home father – my children spend some of the working week at nursery and the rest of the time with me; while their mother works conventional hours. It’s staggering how many people haven’t developed a mature view of modern fatherhood. One man, a complete stranger, came over when I was out with my kids on a weekday and said: “Career on the skids, is it?” The presumption being that no successful man would consider being a stay at home dad – so clearly my situation, fulfilling work ‘unsuited’ to my gender, must be the result of an issue elsewhere. On another occasion I found myself followed around a supermarket by a lady who repeatedly grabbed baby food out of my basket – because, in her view, my son ‘wouldn’t like it’. Her basic premise was she, a complete stranger, understood the child’s needs better than its own father. Every day I’m asked if I’m ‘babysitting’ the kids – the inference being my time with the children will hopefully be short, until I hand them back to mum who, unlike dad, knows what she’s doing. These are not isolated incidents, rather they are indicative of the lack of respect dads are given. These attitudes actively disincentivise fathers from taking a larger childcare role – meaning the burden, too often, is left with mothers.

In the workplace there’s often prejudice too, for example, the widely held expectation that any worker who requires flexibility in order to cope with the demands of childcare must be female. Many work cultures do not expect dads might need to pick up sick kids from nursery – that’s a mum’s job. Many workplaces don’t encourage dads to job-share in order to fit around parenting demands – it’s just not done. Many dads feel taking paternity leave would be career suicide. These unfortunate beliefs mean that, time and again, despite the steps women who are mothers take towards equality, they’re still inevitably saddled with the sharp-end of parenting.

It’s my view that what lies at the nub of these issues is status. We need to start giving kudos to those who look after children – male or female. It’s bloody hard work, not just watching In The Night Garden all day. I believe if we recognise the importance of childcare and remove the stigmas SAHDs face, increasing numbers of dads will be incentivised to equalise the parenting burden – traditionally the sole responsibility of mums.

This need to address the way fatherhood is viewed inspired Vilo Sky’s ‘Managing to be Dad’ leadership conference taking in place in Edinburgh on 26 November. I’ll be speaking at this landmark event, which aims to be at the vanguard of change to perceptions around fathers in childcare roles – a shift in vision that will benefit us all. As long as workplaces see parenting as a female role, and stay at home dads are isolated, scorned or mocked, the responsibility, by default, shifts back to mothers – with obvious implications.

My hope is that in the midst of a tsunami of bad news stories, conferences like ‘Managing to be Dad’, both here in Scotland and throughout the country, can give a reason to be hopeful. These events intend to be a catalyst for change, transforming how fatherhood is viewed and, as a result, removing another barrier to ours becoming a more equal, compassionate, society.

Chris McGuire is a writer and stay at home dad. He blogs at Outofdepthdad.com