David Bullard's non-idiot's guide on how to get by during the current craziness

Last week rdm.co.za published a piece entitled “The A-Z of white privilege and racism.” In the preamble it made it clear that the article was aimed at idiots. Since Politicsweb has a rather higher opinion of its readership’s mental faculties this article is aimed at people who aren’t afraid to think for themselves.

A is for ANC

Back in 1994, as an octogenarian, the ANC cut what the tabloids would call a “feisty” figure. We were impressed. Now, 22 years later, senile dementia has evidently set in. Their conversation is rambling, they can’t remember where they’ve put things, they forget what they stood for and they think everyone is out to get them. Maybe it’s time to allow them a dignified exit.

B is for blame

It’s all Hendrik Verwoerd’s fault. Or Jan van Riebeek’s.

C is for Charity

If you don’t pay much attention to the SA media and to anti-social media you would be hard pressed to identify the huge racial tensions in our society. Sure, there is a massive gap between rich and poor but when the call goes out for help after fires, floods or whatever South Africans of all colours rush to assist. The milk of human kindness flows in abundance in SA….but that doesn’t sell newspapers.

D is for Doxaphobia

Doxaphobia is “the fear of expressing an opinion” and it’s an increasingly common condition among white South Africans, particularly corporates. The fact is, it’s just too bloody dangerous to venture an opinion in case somebody gets offended. Allodoxaphobia is the fear of hearing what other people think of you and the two illnesses feed on one another. The result is the death of freedom of expression.

E is for Eusebius

Despite having had a short tenure as a talk radio host at two radio stations Eusebius McKaiser is SA’s ‘go to’ person whenever a pithy political comment is needed by the left leaning media. Last year many South Africans were surprised to learn that he did not have the Oxford degree we thought he had, but this has in no way tarnished his reputation among his peers. No surprises there then.

And, no, the answer to the question “what is the gross national product of SA?” is NOT Eusebius.

F is for Franschhoek Literary Festival

Every year the country’s literary giants (except R W Johnson) are invited to collect in this very wealthy Western Cape town to promote their books, pat each other on the back, scrounge free accommodation, food and drinks and do whatever it is lefties do with one another after dark.

The audience is predominantly white, well off and middle class. This apparently annoys some of the delegates of colour. Last year whites were severely reprimanded in one of the final sessions for giving to charity, regarding black authors as some sort of freak show and….er….having white skins. The chance to be racially insulted comes at a very reasonable R70 per session and will be available again in May this year.

G is for Greece

There are worrying parallels between Greece and SA. A bloated civil service, shabby work ethic and corrupt government to name but three. Wise people would understand that a benevolent pro SA deity had given us Greece to warn what might happen to us. Fools would see no similarity.

H is for Hashtag

The Twitter hashtag is the massively abused method which allows for semi-literate left leaning people to publicly express a view, however banal. It is the slogan T-shirt equivalent of cyber space. #notinmyname #feesmustfall#saynotofoiegras. See Virtue Signalling below

I is for International Monetary Fund

The IMF (as it is fondly known) are the guys you go to when you’ve really screwed up your economy and nobody wants to lend you money because they think you’re a wealth risk. By no means confined to the third world (In 1976 the UK was forced to apply for a loan of $4 billion to keep the country afloat) the IMF is a lender of last resort to junk economies. Naturally the IMF doesn’t just hand over money….it also likes to see some sensible control of the economy. In which case, the sooner SA is forced to go to the IMF the better.

J is for Jobs

Not Steve. Jobs as in work, as in spreading the wealth. Why do we not create jobs in SA? Very simple really. Because we have communists in key economic portfolios and commies want to destroy capitalism, not nourish it. Which is why the “ruling party” will tell you who to employ, how much you should pay them and why you can’t sack them if they don’t do as they’re told. That’s not really the sort of behaviour that attracts new investors and potential employers to this country.

K is for k*****s

Amazing the power of a word isn’t it? And even more amazing the power of an asterisk. This is the fish that dare not breathe its name. But if kippers secretly happen to be your breakfast favourite then so be it. The great thing about kippers is that it’s like having two breakfasts because they come back at you after an hour or so. I like mine with a squeeze of lemon and a cup of strongly brewed coffee. Nothing to be ashamed of.

L is for Land

So you’ve finally bought that R3.5 million family home and you’re paying it off in a rising interest rate market out of taxed income. Well, I’ve got news for you. That land was apparently stolen and needs to be handed back.

But here comes the confusion. Since we all apparently hail from the Cradle of Mankind we are all Africans. We then dispersed around the globe and some of us came home again. Which means that the land isn’t really “stolen” – it’s merely “reclaimed”.

M is for Minister of Finance

A steady hand on the tiller is what is needed as we all discovered in December. Just think, if Pravin Gordhan hadn’t been appointed the rand would be at R22 to the $ by now.

N is for Not Enough Electricity

Isn’t it extraordinary that an incoming government in 1994 didn’t understand power. A Governing 101 multiple choice exam question might read like this. “You are taking control of a country where electricity is only supplied to a small percentage of the population. In order to rectify this will you need a) more power stations b) fewer power stations c) an annual bonus?

The ANC saved us from further load-shedding by hobbling the economy over the past few months so I suppose we should be grateful. Eskom now want a massive tariff increase to pay for the electricity we didn’t consume during the period when it was mostly unavailable. Go figure.

O is for Outrage

Every morning thousands of people get out of bed, brush their teeth, shower, grab some breakfast and surf the internet looking for things to be “outraged” about. It might be the appalling treatment of genderfluid Buddhist monks in Tibet or the lack of transformation in the game of bowls. Providing it gets your blood pressure up to 200 over 180 then it’s working. Why so much outrage though? Well, the answer is straightforward. A psychiatrist appointment can cost R1000 for an hour. So it’s far cheaper to publicly rant on Facebook or Twitter. And much more entertaining too.

P is for Privilege

Don’t deny it. If it weren’t for that lily white skin you too could be a wealthy rapper or play for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Q is for Queue

In a country with such high unemployment it is vitally important that people are given something to occupy their time. Which is why the government have thoughtfully given us queues. What a pleasure to spend 5 hours standing in the summer sunshine to renew a driving license or collect a bucket of water.

R is for Racism

I’ve never really understood what a “racist” is despite having been labelled one back in 2008 long before people like Gareth Cliff jumped on the bandwagon. I do admit to being a “racialist” though because it would be very difficult to argue that my “tribe” were superior in any way to the Romans who came to colonise us in 55BC. And I wouldn’t even attempt to deny (although it pains me) that the Germans have been much better at building cars than the Brits over the past 30 years. Look who owns Bentley and Rolls-Royce.

The racist tag, rather like the albatross, will hang around your neck forever. Don’t even be concerned how you earned it. It could have been your own stupidity, the wilful misinterpretation of your words by jealous rivals, low self-esteem on the part of your accusers, an impending election or a desire by your employer to reduce overheads and suck up to the ruling party.

But it’s not all bad news. Being labelled “racist” means that you can never be labelled “racist” again. What would be the point? So you are liberated in so many ways. You can tell off colour jokes that the more politically correct would be terrified to mouth. You become a far more interesting guest at dinner parties and, best of all, you reduce the amount of tax you will pay because nobody will employ you.

S is for StruggleCred

Sadly I have no struggle cred because I arrived in SA too late and my boss at the time (a future Minister of Finance) wouldn’t give me time off to throw bricks at the apartheid police. But for most journos struggle cred is essential. So if you walked 20kms barefoot to school, edited an edgy newspaper or were locked up in a police van for an hour in the eighties with only a lukewarm coke for company you’ve made it.

T is for Taxes

Here’s the reality. The number of those dependent on tax funded hand-outs is growing faster than the number of taxpayers. Add to this the wastage, theft, bloated civil service, corruption etc. etc. and you may grasp why we are getting deeper and deeper in the hot and smelly. See Greece above.

U is for University

Contrary to lefty opinion a university education isn’t a right; it’s an honour (can’t use privilege here - I’ll be crucified). Only the finest minds should make it to university and they should be open minds. “Fees must fall” advocates seem too gormless to understand that their folly will lead to academics seeking greener pastures, poorer facilities and reputational damage. Somebody has to pay and the government may pretend it has money but it hasn’t.

V is for virtue signalling

James Bartholomew of The Spectator coined this phrase last April to describe the narcissistic behaviour of people (particularly those on social media) who publicly flaunt their PC views. The sort of stuff that appears on Daily Maverick is a good example (which is almost certainly why they’ve banned comments). The point is that it’s all about empty words and self- flagellation and doesn’t actually require doing anything virtuous like working for a charity or opening your wallet.

W is for Whitewash

Have you noticed that whenever something controversial occurs a government inquiry follows. The name of the game here is to give the chairman of the inquiry the desired result (e.g. there was no evidence of corruption) and ask the committee to work backwards from the result to the findings. Not surprisingly this is well paid work.

X is for Xenophobia

Irrational hatred of foreigners. A perfect example would be politicians who tell different coloured SA citizens to go back where they came from.

Y is for Yzerfontein

Crazy name, crazy place.

Z is for Zapiro

Jonathan Shapiro (aka Zapiro) has become a national treasure, rather like the Voortrekker Monument. His work is widely regarded as brilliant. Sadly he is not a huge fan of freedom of speech when it’s claimed by people who aren’t cartoonists or have views that don’t accord with his own.