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A Citizenship and Immigration Canada training guide that leaked last week has exposed the inner workings of CIC’s unique perspective on what makes a good marriage.

Apparently, what makes a good marriage is having a lot of money. Money for a diamond ring. (DeBeers must be pleased. Diamonds are forever, which is approximately as long as it takes to obtain a permanent residency card.) Money for a big wedding — more than “small groups of friends.” (That dream elopement with just a handful of friends and family, away from big fat wedding drama? Sorry, lovebirds. Size matters.) Money for a big wedding venue — no restaurants allowed. (Rubber chicken dinners and serviette swans for everyone! It’ll be romantic, just like an annual general meeting!) Money for a honeymoon. And if one of you comes from a country without much money? Well, your marriage might not be valid.

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But above all, the CIC is looking for body language (or at least was when the document, dated 2007, was issued.) Like the“body language experts”employed by supermarket tabloids and gossip rags, officials at the CIC believe they can learn the truth about a relationship based on who is smiling, how far apart they stand, and the expressions on their faces. The irony of a group of Canadians judging the citizens of other nations on their ability to emote and show affection is apparently lost on the CIC. Canada is a great country full of wonderful people, all of whom do everything possible to avoid each others’ eyes.