Safford, AZ-

In groundbreaking research released today, it was proven that President Barack Obama masturbates more than any other President. The independent research think tank Foundation For a Better Tomorrow detailed months of research that found that the 44th President masturbates at double the rate of the next high-masturbation President.

“We have always known Obama to be a sinful, nefarious creature, and now we have the proof that he is himself a prolific self-rapist.” Said Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, the head of Stop Masturbation NOW ministries. “Just look at his hunched over back, non-normal skin and beady eyes, devoid of all humanity. His leadership is non-existent because of the chemicals released during m asturbation have addled his brain. All he does is fantasize and masturbate while our great nation goes down the tubes. I pray at him”

The study, using available data which goes back to 1969, shows President Obama masturbates approximately 70 times per week. Former President Bill Clinton came in second at 35 sessions of self-rape per week with Jimmy Carter coming in third at 31 sessions.

Childs and other religious leaders have increasingly begun to call for greater oversight into Obama’s masturbation habits as the United States struggles domestically with immigration and the economy. As increasing data comes out demonstrating the harmful effects of masturbation, the public is increasingly sensitive to the destruction it causes, especially with those in power.

“I met with the man and counseled him extensively. I feel as though the only way for him to turn around his Presidency is to come to BLUFF University here in Arizona for reprogramming education and counseling from my High Deacons and myself. I am troubled for the future of this great nation of Christ, if something is not done soon.”