Most of this was written the day after my day one appointment, 4 days before my day two. I’ve chosen to share it after having the actual procedure because the decision to have an abortion is a very personal one for me. I needed to make the decision on my own terms, and spend some time alone thinking about what it meant to me.

After attending my day one, I have been having really mixed feelings. I definitely feel that abortion is the right choice for me because, the bottom line is, I don’t want a child.

At the same time, every single part of my body except my brain is screaming ‘protect this thing growing inside you’. For example, the day before I took my pregnancy test, I had a glass of wine, and threw up almost immediately. I think that’s my body’s way of protecting the foetus. When I think about having an abortion, I get cramps - it’s like my brain knows what my body is planning.

No matter how sure someone is about abortion being the right choice for them, I don’t think it’s an easy decision for anyone. I’m very aware that I could change my mind between now and the procedure, and if I do, I think it will be the right decision for me. The reality of abortion is, for me, anyway, regardless of when you think life begins, if it’s at conception, at a heart beat, or when a baby is born, nothing can erase from my mind the fact that in less than 7 months, I could potentially be holding a small human that I made in my arms. That potential is something really amazing, and it’s for that reason that I don’t think anyone can take the decision lightly.

It’s maybe easy to look from the outside and think that women take abortion lightly, but you never see what’s happening inside that person’s heart. When I looked all those women in the eye at my day one, I knew they were all suffering the same pain that I was. We were all vulnerable, confused, uncertain and scared. You hear so much about how abortion causes depression, but you don’t seem to hear about how scary and depressing is to be pregnant when you don’t want a child.

Above everything for me, my justification for wanting an abortion is that I think every child deserves to be wanted. No child asks to be born. The only way I want to bring a child into the world is if it’s wanted. It’s such a difficult choice because I know I could be a good parent. I could raise this child to the best of my ability, and I’d probably do a decent job. I have great support networks, and I know about all the tools there are to help me. I don’t think that’s a good enough reason, though. I would have to give up almost everything that I’ve worked so hard for for the last 7 years of my life, and selfish or not, I’m just not prepared to do it right now.

I don’t think anyone is ever really ready to be a parent. Regardless of how much you want a child, it’s a scary prospect to become responsible for someone else forever. I don’t think wanting a child suddenly makes you prepared or less scared. In saying that, just because everyone struggles a bit, I don’t think you should do it if it’s not something you want to do. I simply don’t think its fair to bring a child into the world when it’s not wanted.

If I’m totally honest, I think if we had better parental leave and more support for parents I might feel differently about having a baby. I’ve already needed to take 3 ½ days off work for this, and I’ll need at least another 2 days, plus another ½ day. I have no idea how people can afford to do this financially or emotionally on 14 weeks parental leave and our limited childcare subsidies. With my massive student loan, my choice is either be working full time as soon as my parental leave runs out, or staying home and living on the DPB. That would mean giving up my career - which really isn’t an option for me just a year out from university.

A question that I’ve been getting quite often is 'do you regret being open about this?’

That’s a tough one. I’m glad I’ve been open because I don’t think women should be ashamed about having an abortion. I think that abortion should be legally available on request, and I hate the stigma attached. I hope that by sharing, I help make people think about the women behind that word abortion, and the struggles we go through. I hope people learn about how the process works, and feel less scared than I have been feeling.

The part I’m struggling with is the decision and prospect of loss and the grieving is something very, very personal. I don’t want to come across as uncaring, or like this is a decision I’ve made in 5 minutes. It’s taken me a lot of thought, and 4 days out from the abortion, I still have a lot of doubts and questions.

Academically I believe that women should absolutely have the choice what happens to their body, and that life shouldn’t be considered to begin until a baby could survive outside of the mother. However, I can’t deny that inside me is life. It has a heartbeat, and it has the potential to turn into something amazing and special. If I do nothing, it will grow and be born and be a human being just like me, and it will be something that I have created.

However, my belief that all children deserve to be wanted has to trump that. My choice to decide what happens to my body wins. I don’t think that makes it an easier choice. I think it might make it harder. I can’t deny that I’m doing this for mostly selfish reasons - I don’t want to be pregnant and I don’t want to raise an unwanted child.

For me, I think it’s important that I mark this somehow. I recognise that I’m taking away the potential for this to grow into its very own human being, if that makes sense. I’m planning on making a donation to the neonatal trust in hope that a parent who desperately wants their child gets a tiny bit closer to that. Maybe it’s not for everyone, but I think it sort of cements it for me. It’s not about guilt, but rather a celebration of what could have been.