HellOfATime919 Sun 12-Apr-20 09:08:02

Hello,



Regular poster. NC. Apologies in advance I’ll try not to ramble but I would really appreciate some advice.



Me & DH (well, soon to be DH - we were due to get married next month but had to postpone due to CoronaVirus but that’s another thread entirely) have been together 12 years. We are both 28 years old now - Have 2 DC.



I’m unsure if this has any relevance (DH says it does) - growing up he says his parents were poor. He is 1 of 5 children. They lived in a council house, had hand uniform etc. He says they were on the breadline... We went to school together so I kind of knew. Anyhow, his mum has never been any good with money apparently.



So his mum & dad are now retired (both 70), get the state pension, have their own okay-ish private pension and pull in around £1,600 a month. They still live in their council house. She keeps getting pay day loans and struggles to pay them back, and openly goes on gambling websites (the bingo websites) in front of us. To top it all of my DH’s 4 other siblings are very poor, all in council houses with children and occasionally pester his mum for money saying they’re broke. She caves in and sends them money regular.



Me & DH have never asked her for a penny - ever. We left school, I went to university, he studied and the end result was we both got very well paid jobs - so we saved and bought a home for our children , then bought 2 other properties as buy to let investments. He is the only 1 of 5 that got out of the cycle they have all gone through which I am proud of. Because of this, MiL now appears to think we are well off. We aren’t well off, I would say average maybe, standard family holidays once a year etc but we have money left at the end of each month.



Anyhow, it’s now become a huge issue that every other week / every few weeks she keeps asking DH for money. He feels sorry for her so he gives it her - without telling me unless I find out. It’s anywhere between £50-£100. He tells me he feels sorry for her, that they were poor growing up and he does get the money back. He lies to me about it and I usually find out if we pop over and she mentions it. This has been going on for about 3-ish years now. Even to the extent our mortgage provider questioned DH on his transfers to his mother asking what they were for. Can I just point out in all this that she smokes 10-20 cigarettes A DAY and they cost £10 a pack.



We have had HUGE arguments about this, I’ve told him it’s the lies I can’t deal with and the fact he gives in to her. He promised me he would say no to her going forward and tell

her this is to stop, sort her finances out and stop with the pay day loans and stop transferring money to his siblings !! So he had a chat with her nicely and told her he no longer had the money to borrow her any more.



This week - they are isolating. We call by to check if they need anything. She says “I’ve got no money, could you borrow me £50 and I’ll pay you back next week”.. I was put on the spot and said yes. So me & DH go to the shop. I waited outside whilst he withdrew the money. DH came back out with money & 2 boxes of cigarettes. I go to DH “who has bought those cigarettes?” As to which he replies “my mum has out of the £50 I’ve withdrew”. I said okay. We get back to his mums house, and I notice him pass her £50 cash and the cigarettes. As we are leaving she also passes DH a shopping list and goes “can you get me this stuff too” and DH replied yes I can but I will be taking your debit Card to pay for it. Her face dropped as she didn’t expect him to say that (neither did I!!!), as to which she replied “I’ve got no money on there you know this” and my DH goes “You’ve got enough food for the next few days, if you want this food You'll have to take it out of the money you’ve put a side for gas and electric”. Even though he had just borrowed £50 cash from us she gave this cash to FiL as this was part of his weekly pension (it’s supposed to be £110 a week he has but we think she kept it aside to pay the gas & electric bill). We left, and I said to DH “you’ve lied again to me, one last time I’ll ask you, who bought those cigarettes , your money or the money you lent her?”. And DH responded “Okay, I borrowed her £50 cash and bought her 2 boxes of cigarettes, so it was to £70”. I said “so you spend £70 on her, and she then proceeds by passing you a shopping list and asks you to buy her stuff ?!?”. And he was like “I know, I told her no about the shopping, but this is my mum and I feel sorry for her”.



I am at my wits end with it all. This is a regular thing that happens and she constantly tells him when he pops over that she’s broke. DH says he tries to distance himself when she does this as he doesn’t want to hear it every week. His dad has no idea as he isn’t with it at all (suspected Alzheimer’s) and doesn’t know how to use a cash point. All FiL knows is that he gets £110 a week to spend on what he wants (he spends it on popping to the shops etc - when he dies we will probably find lots of money in a mattress or something lol!). She has her own pension and state pensions etc.



I am so so fed up and I don’t know what to do. Nothing I can do. AIBU to say I never want to go over to her house again ?!?! This is not a normal situation !!! DH minimises it all by telling me I have no idea what it’s like as I never went without as a child - but I keep saying it’s not relevant right now and we are all grown up ! Agghhhhh



PS - HAPPY EASTER 🐣