Boys today have access to super-stimulating porn that may lead to erectile dysfunction, social anxiety, and other problems.

About five years ago, limitless quantities of free, shocking, explicit videos became widely available to savvy Internet users with high-speed connections. Alas, some of the planet’s most talented computer wizards are youngsters (or their buddies). Passing around outrageous pornographic video clips is now a popular social activity.

Such videos are often so extreme that they dumbfound even the most free-thinking parents. According to psychiatrist Norman Doidge in The Brain That Changes Itself, porn grows more shocking because today’s porn users tend to habituate to material viewed. That is, today’s super-stimulating porn, instead of satisfying more, numbs the brain’s pleasure response. Then the user needs something even more shocking to get aroused—which the porn industry readily delivers. Who’s gonna get excited by Pac-Man when he has been playing Grand Theft Auto or Halo 3?

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Increasingly, extreme porn is a problem. The more novel, startling, forbidden, or disgusting a video is, the cooler it is to pass around, and the more it excites a viewer’s brain (specifically, the reward circuitry). Climax then reinforces the “value” of the material that produces the climax. So, kids’ brains are now rewiring to value brain-jolting material, for which nothing in their (or most anyone’s) experience has prepared them. The constant flood of novel material keeps dopamine levels in the reward circuitry high while viewing continues, reinforcing the lesson that these images are valuable and important. Norepinephine released in response to shocking images also appears to reinforce this learning.

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While video games also flood the brain with dopamine, it’s evident that sexual content activates additional aspects of the brain’s reward circuitry. As kids mature, sexual reproduction signals trump video-game thrills.

The brain changes that follow repeated stimulation can have surprising effects. Young men report that their sexual tastes sometimes morph in unexpected directions, and that they become less responsive to normal flirting.

Since I began sharing the correlations men are discovering between heavy Internet porn use and symptoms like erectile dysfunction and social anxiety, I’ve been hearing from younger and younger guys struggling with such symptoms. (As an aside, users who manage to avoid extreme stimulation do not seem to report unusual erectile dysfunction problems.) Here’s a sample:

I’m hoping to recover and get aroused more around girls. I have been going insane thinking that my sex life is over. I am 15 years old and I’ve been masturbating since I was 12. It started out as just simple videos but now I have been getting into more extreme stuff. … Can you explain to me the basic steps I need to take to recover please? … I have to ask this so that my mind can rest and I can feel confident. Is there any permanent damage done to me? If I successfully quit porn will my limb stay up when I become sexually active in the future? Or will I have ED issues?

Science has not investigated or verified the answers to his questions. First, who can find porn virgins of a suitable age to test? Second, who deliberately wants to expose kids to hyperstimulating, abnormal, erotic videos to see what happens in their brains, or how it alters their sexual response? No one is measuring the ways in which extreme videos may subtly be changing brain sensitivity, thereby altering libido and sexual tastes over time.

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Again, it’s likely that the missing insights revolve around an ancient mechanism found in all mammalian brains: the reward circuit. It has long been known that overstimulating it with drugs can cause increased cravings. Now, research is revealing that non-drug, “natural” things, like junk food, can alter this part of the brain like drugs—numbing the response to normal stimuli.

If a guy has been viewing porn videos since puberty, how would he know if his (lack of) response to potential sweethearts, his kinky tastes, or his masturbation cravings are normal for him? He has nothing with which to compare. Sexologist Jakob Pastötter gives an example of how porn shapes perception:

When Kinsey did his studies in the ’40s, not even gay men practiced anal sex frequently. The first changes occurred during the ’70s in the gay scene and then, especially under the influence of the so-called gonzo pornography, also in heterosexual circles. Suddenly, anal sex seems to have become quite a common practice. And accordingly, sex counselors report that not too long ago the first boys inquired, “How can I persuade my girlfriend to have anal sex?” Then, a few years later, came the first girls: “How can I dissuade my boyfriend from anal sex?” Now, the girls come and ask the sex counselors, “What pills can I take to prevent it hurting like hell?” All this in a period of only fifteen years, which began when anal sex was introduced in pornography as a common sex variant, in the mid-’90s approximately.

Today, it is not unheard of for boys to become hooked on autoerotic asphyxiation, bondage, or rape porn. Psychologists have published accounts of otherwise straight boys who developed unsettling obsessions when desensitized to vanilla imagery—and then felt such intense, pervasive anxiety that their real-life relationships were compromised.

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What’s a parent to do?

Most parents cross their fingers, remind themselves that they survived encounters with Playboy, and hope their kids will figure things out for themselves.

But today’s porn is nothing like Playboy. It’s video, so the viewer can more easily imagine himself in a role—especially in modern, envelope-pushing “gonzo”-style films, where the actors hold the cameras. It’s always novel, and there’s no limit to how much can be viewed. In other words, not all masturbation is equal.

Masturbation based on imagining affectionate contact with a real potential mate is stimulating enough, especially for a teenager. But masturbation based on shocking stimuli, by gradually numbing the brain, can shift the user’s priorities away from real potential mates.

Should caregivers shame kids or imply they are bad people for watching today’s porn? Certainly not. But caregivers should tell kids to avoid Internet porn as much as possible, and why. Even if science is lagging behind in reliable research, anecdotal evidence of Internet porn’s risks is increasing. It’s also becoming clear that there are unmistakable benefits from leaving it behind.

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So, what do you tell kids?

1. Find a balance. Tell kids that masturbation is normal, and that it’s beneficial to work out a schedule that doesn’t escalate. Tell them to experiment with different intervals of say, once or twice a week, or even less. Point out that sometimes less frequent masturbation actually results in less overall frustration. Sticking with a schedule will require some self-discipline, a skill kids will use throughout life. Consider teaching your child one of the many ancient techniques for redistributing sexual energy.

2. Understand the escalation problem. Point out that our brains are generally calibrated for genitals achieving normal degrees of stimulation and arousal. Once we move to new thresholds of stimulation (today’s super-porn or sex toys), we risk making our brains temporarily less sensitive to subtler, ordinary stimuli.

3. Stick to natural stimuli. Tell kids to masturbate based on their own imaginings of real potential mates and realistic, affectionate sexual encounters. If that isn’t getting them to climax, it’s probably because their brains haven’t returned to full sensitivity since their previous climax. Nonetheless, it is better to wait than to turn to today’s porn to get the job done.

4. Porn is unrealistic. Point out that a partner’s satisfaction is not dependent upon the huge, unflagging erection or other characteristics of a porn star. Nor is a man’s pleasure dependent upon the hairless genitals, breast implants, or degradation of his partner. Paint a mental picture of normal sex for your child.

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5. Masturbation is not the ideal mood medicine. Because climax offers temporary relief, it seems like a cure for anxiety. Kids can easily get in the habit of masturbating to regulate mood. Unfortunately, too frequent climax can make tension worse over the following days. Kids need other ways to regulate mood. Vigorous exercise, friendly interaction with others, trusted companionship, time in nature, affectionate touch/hugs, doing something creative, singing, time with pets, meditation, and service to others have all been shown to help reduce stress and/or regulate mood—probably because they improve brain balance.

6. Avoid threats and shaming. Risky activities release extra adrenaline and dopamine into the brain, and are therefore paradoxically perceived as more “valuable.” (The brain’s primitive reward circuitry assesses value based upon how much exciting dopamine is released in connection with an activity.) Threats of future punishment and warnings against “sin” therefore increase porn’s power to overstimulate the brain, making subsequent porn binging more likely.

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If you cannot think of a good way to open the porn discussion with your child, you may want to watch this free YouTube series together: Things You Didn’t Know About Porn. It helps kids distinguish between the urges coming from the reward circuitry and the self-control available from the analytical part of their brain.

Research shows that a strong, supportive parental relationship can protect kids against risky behavior, even in those who are genetically vulnerable. So, whether or not you find the above suggestions helpful, do find a way to discuss today’s gonzo-porn videos with your child without shaming or threatening. Encourage your child to ask questions. Accept that ultimately he will have to make his own decisions. All you can do is offer solid information, your loving support, and a healthy example. That may be all your child needs to steer toward sexual balance.