by Kylie Harrington

CULVER CITY, CA — A local Ralph’s checkout line was left stunned as a master of love and seduction purchased a foil-wrapped bouquet of roses, a $20 Olive Garden gift card and a discounted box of chocolates on Thursday afternoon.

The Don Juan in question was Spencer Johansen, struck by Cupid’s arrow on his way to the checkout counter. A brightly-decorated pink display reading “VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL” was all the excuse Johansen needed to buy the sumptuous items for his live-in girlfriend, the love of his life. He threw them into his shopping basket, on top of Hot Pockets, a 2-pack of pudding cups and a frozen mini pizza.

“I really believe in treating my lady right, really let her know she’s worth my time and money,” said Johansen, referring to the $26.79 and 2 extra minutes he spent on the elaborate gift. “Yeah, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day, but what does that mean? My love goes all year round, baby.”

Stacy Meisner, his live-in girlfriend, was surprised when her personal Romeo brought the gifts out of their brown paper grocery bag. “I was pissed, yeah,” she said as she set the table for their dinner. “I thought he completely forgot about Valentine’s Day, so it’s nice that he did something, I guess,” she said, trying to take deep breaths as she bent a metal spoon in half.

“I wasn’t really expecting anything, honestly. He’s showing that he cares about me and it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it? At least this year the chocolate was from a grocery store, not a gas station. Maybe next year he’ll move up to the Whitman’s sampler,” said Meisner, picking a single petal off of a flower and crushing it between her fingers.

“Real men respect their partners, make them the centerpiece of their lives,” he said, placing the flowers in a crusted peanut butter jar and squeezing the chocolates to check their fillings. “I’m only going to eat the hazelnut ones, see? All the rest are for my lady.”

Meisner saw the bright side in the disappointing gift, though. “When we go to Olive Garden, because he’s paid for dinner, I can tell him about the Caribbean cruise I booked for us two without it being a weird power imbalance thing,” said Meisner, chewing on a nougat-filled truffle before quietly spitting it into a napkin.

Staring into the distance, Meisner said, “Now that I think about it, though, Olive Garden would also be the perfect place to break up with him.”