Every year, there’s the inevitable cry of the Patriots demise. It comes twice a year, after one early season loss and then once more in the postseason. The downfall will eventually come, I’m sure of that. But how could you know when? It turns out, there’s only one other dynasty in the world similar to New England’s. After two months of hard investigative reporting, I’ve come to a conclusion. Grigori Rasputin has either been dead for 102 years now or he’s part of the medical staff in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

Of course, one of these theories seems much more likely. Given that the claims of Rasputin’s death include him getting poisoned, shot multiple times, clubbed and then finally drowned, they tend to be unreasonable. And because I have neither the know-how or access to Rasputin’s body, I’m going with the Foxboro theory.

Why? Because these are the same stories. There’s a spouse who’s cold and aloof in each one. They’re both dynasties. Foxboro has a magical healing holy man just like the Romanovs did. But there are differences. In the second coming, the couple, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, aren’t very much in love. It’s almost a miracle they’re together. But miracles are common for mystical holy men like “body coach” Alex Guerrero. Even his most ardent supporter would shoot down his claim of “an effective treatment, cure, and preventative for cancer, heart disease, arthritis, and diabetes.” They’d admit that his doctorate degree is a master’s in Chinese medicine from a college in California that no longer exists. That, yes, the FTC has barred Guerrero from ever referring to himself as a doctor. But that didn’t stop him from apparently “healing 192 terminally ill patients” and raking in about $18 million off of a snake oil product, Supreme Greens. There is debate over almost everything Alex Guerrero has done. But there are two things that everyone hones in on.

How much power does Guerrero have in New England? When does their reign end? But a third debate, is he Rasputin, has yet to be discussed. That’s the most important question.

For the first debate, Guerrero has an absurd amount of power. The second is more complicated. Dynasties have always fall.What goes up must come down. The only question is if Guerrero is the Rasputin of the NFL’s Russia. The third question, if it’s a yes, answers the second. In belief, it is.

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Alex Guerrero is unique. His story begins with him suddenly popping up in the home of two time Pro Bowler Willie McGinest because the Patriots “wouldn’t let [Guerrero] in the building.” He seems to be nothing more than a drunkard that wandered into the palace, complimented Tsar Nicholas Romanov, and then got the right-hand man position. Except in this case the Tsar, head coach Bill Belichick, wants him gone and he stays.

Who’s stuck around in Foxboro besides Brady, Robert Kraft, and Belichick? No one. Has anybody besides them stayed? Never. Not Nate Solder, not Wes Welker, not Jimmy G, hell, Gronk almost got traded off before this season. In every case, a player’s gone as soon as one of the three wants them out. But Alex Guerrero sticks around, wielding some unknown power, similar to a drunk monk from Siberia at the turn of the century. I’m not sure that Guerrero is actually Rasputin reanimated. The closest we got to that was with Anastasia in 1997. But I do think they fulfill similar roles, take similars paths, and will have a similar effect on their surroundings.

In 1905, Rasputin meets the “Black Princesses”, one of whom had married the Tsar’s cousin. Before this, he’s a drunk who wanders around Siberia yelling out religious gibberish. Rasputin suffered from “a long history of financial troubles and legal entanglements,” the exact same words that The Boston Globe uses to describe Guerrero. Now, he’s got a platform in St. Petersburg, a city that’s dark and cynical and falling for the occult. It’s the perfect place for him.

Consider that Guerrero gained a real platform when he first met McGinest. Yes, before McGinest, he was working with track athletes but those aren’t the NFL. This is a foot in the door. This is a gateway to the most shrewd team the NFL has ever seen, a team that takes any advantage it could.

Later in 1905, Rasputin meets the Tsar and his wife, Alexandra. In his diary, the Tsar wrote how that day he and his wife “made the acquaintance of a man of God.” I can only imagine that Brady wrote the same thing when McGinest introduced the two.

If you know anything about Rasputin, you know that he soon found a spot as a healer to the Tsar’s son, Alexei. Alexei is the heir to the throne. He’s also got hemophilia which is the exact opposite of what you want in a leader. Now, Tsarina Alexandra is an incredibly religious woman. She turns to God after she gives birth to four girls. Then, she gives birth to this hemophilic heir and falls face first into religion. Rather than saying “Wow, maybe since I’m the granddaughter of Queen Victoria and was born a German princess and now I’m a Russian Tsarina, there’s a ton of inbreeding going on”, she chalks it up to not being devout enough.

Guerrero is Brady’s personal trainer and right-hand man. After the 2006 season, he’d first work with the quarterback on a groin injury. I’ll give you that it’s not exactly his son but in this case it’s the closest we’re gonna get. Brady has a chip on his shoulder from being a sixth-round pick. In 2011, he was still crying over being the seventh quarterback drafted in 2000. He also thinks that he’s causing his injuries rather than just playing a game that’s incredibly brutal. It’s ingrained in his mind that he has to look for any advantage he can.

Both Alexandra and Brady are incredibly susceptible to flimflam men because of their beliefs. One thinks that prayer solves everything. Another sees hard work and gaining an edge as the only path to success. And so Rasputin and Guerrero enter their lives.

In both cases, time passes before anything major happens. Both Rasputin and his sequel are waiting in the wings for their chances.

Then in 1907, the Imperial family first asks Rasputin to pray for the Tsarevich. He recovers the next morning. After that, Rasputin is the kid’s guardian angel. When the Romanovs go to Poland for vacation in 1912, he saves their hemophilic heir when he’s almost murdered by a bumpy carriage ride. It aggravates a hematoma he got over a month ago. The kid’s near unconscious, his heartbeat drops, and he gets his last sacrament. Alexandra, after not leaving his bedside the entire week this is going on, sends a telegram to her bud Rasputin. Old Greg is likely shitfaced in Siberia. He ain’t coming. Instead, he sends back a telegram reading, “The little one will not die. Do not allow the doctors to bother him too much.”

In 2008, Tom Brady is playing the Kansas City Chiefs. If bad luck haunted the Russians, Bernard Pollard haunted the New England Patriots. In the first quarter of the first game of the season, Pollard blitzes. Brady’s knee is destroyed.

Both Brady and Alexei undergo miracle recoveries. Alexei recovers by the next week and the hematoma that was there for a month is gone. Brady is ready for the 2009 season with a recovery that would’ve taken “probably twice as long” for the average person. And according to surgeons, unlike Rasputin, Guerrero was “ever-present.”

How’d they do it? It’s simple actually. See, in the early 1900s, Aspirin was viewed as a cure-all, wonder drug. They were shoving it down Alexei’s throat. Aspirin is a blood thinner. Hemophilia is a condition where the blood doesn’t clot. Prescribing that medicine is the worst thing you can do for a hemophiliac. Rasputin telling the doctors to leave him alone stopped the aspirin. That’s why he healed, not some mystical powers. As for Brady, his ACL injury happened at the best time for Guerrero. The NFL would see a ton of ligament tears in the next few years. The average fan suddenly knew what the PCL, MCL, and ACL all did. And Brady’s rehab was one of the first to benefit from a medical revolution, at the time being viewed as otherworldly. His year-long recovery seemed like a miracle that Rasputin performed. But only three years later, Adrian Peterson was the best running back in the league eight and a half months removed from tearing both his ACL and MCL. It was a natural progression, some blind luck, and anything but holy men that made his recovery seem the way it did. But neither Brady nor Alexandra saw this truth. Instead, they had their holy men guiding them to success. The two frauds soon had high profile followers.

In 2011, Guerrero starts a supplement company called 6 Degree Nutrition. It boasts statements from Brady, Julian Edelman, Welker, Haloti Ngata, LaDainian Tomlinson, and other pros on its website. That’s not bad company to be in. He looks legitimate.

Rasputin falls ass-first into a similar situation. Like Guerrero, it doesn’t matter how he’s doing things or even what he’s doing. It just about who he’s doing it for. Rasputin is now at the right hand of the leaders of the largest country on the planet. Guerrero is at the right hand of the leaders of the most successful sports team in America. By now, Rasputin finds that he also has a following called “his little ladies”, who were aristocratic women from Saint Petersburg who cared for him, made his schedule, and even tried to imitate him.

Despite this position, they both fall back into bad habits. By April of 2012, the FTC was investigating Guerrero for the second time. He claimed that the 6 Degree Nutrition supplement Neurosafe was “the only preventative measure available to athletes to protect their brain.” Of course, this is bullshit. Researchers from Sloan Kettering would call his claims “total garbage.” Yet Tom Brady allowed Guerrero to slap his personal logo on the drink. Now, he’s tied up to a product the FTC has “serious concerns” about and one that they launch a full-scale investigation into. They question if Neurosafe “prevents, limits the severity of, and speeds recovery from, sports-related traumatic brain injuries.” The FTC concludes the same thing that Sloan Kettering does, Guerrero has nothing to back up his claims. He has no “competent and reliable scientific evidence”, “any studies regarding the actual NeuroSafe product,” and only “unsupported claims.” But then something unusual happens. For the first but not the last time, Guerrero weasels his way out of trouble and comes out ahead. All he has to do is stop selling Neurosafe and provide full refunds to the people that bought it. It’s not too bad for a guy who has one conviction from the FTC already, was under investigation by the SEC, and shows no signs of stopping. He’s just such a poor salesman that the FTC doesn’t care due to “an extremely limited volume” sold. So Guerrero, who Brady is still standing behind, turns his full attention to the leader of the New England Patriots.

Rasputin also falls back into bad habits. While the two did greatly improve the health of their subjects or at least witness it, they’re both quacks at heart. They cause trouble wherever they go. And Rasputin has fallen off the wagon meaning he’s a drunken loudmouth again. By now, Old Greg has gained a lot of influence and suddenly he’s cutting into the Orthodox Church’s cash flow. The church makes a lot of money selling advice. Rasputin is now doing this same thing to some of the wealthiest individuals in Russia. They respond by getting some bishops in his hometown to declare him a heretic. That dies out so then they bring out a bishop. All that happens is the bishop falls for Rasputin and even compliments his basso profundo voice. And for the first time but not the last, Rasputin wiggles out of the government’s grasp. Both he and Guerrero escape when no one in their right mind would’ve let them off.

Not even a year later, in 2013, Belichick officially welcomes Guerrero into New England. The Patriots head coach had made a legacy off of paranoia and exiling players at just the right time. Foxboro is described as “a fortress of paranoia, self-importance, and secrecy.” In Russian lore, he’d be Ivan the Terrible. Yet, this guy gives Guerrero free rein in the building. ESPN even claims that he had “access to meetings in which medical records for Patriots players were discussed.” (Note: Guerrero denies this.) Some might say that Belichick was getting softer with age but the most likely explanation is that he figured this guy could help the team and that because he was pushing for what was best for the team’s leader, he’d do the same for the team itself. That was the thinking with Rasputin as well. He kept Alexei alive so they let him in. If he had the Tsarevich’s best interests in mind, they figured he had the Empire’s.

By May of that year, Guerrero was a kingmaker in Foxboro. He partnered with Brady to open TB12, an LLC and a sports therapy center in the Gillette Stadium Complex. There’s a third owner as well, Peter Bernon, an executive for the dairy company Garelick Farms and a personal friend of Kraft. Robyn Glaser, the company’s counsel, is also general counsel for the Patriots and a VP for the Kraft Group. There’s a really blurred distinction between the Patriots and TB12. If that isn’t sketchy enough, the Globe found that TB12 is not “ a licensed medical facility, physical therapy facility, or massage therapy facility, according to state records.” Since it’s opening, Brady and Guerrero have made $200 an hour to treat any Patriots player there. It’s the firm’s market rate, but consider that some physical therapy companies have paid to sponsor NFL teams. It’s completely out of the norm and possibly a circumvention of the salary cap.

Rasputin, same thing. Like Guerrero, he’s suddenly with the highest levels of social class, attending important and confidential meetings, and with the best the dynasty could offer. He is absolutely unqualified but the two still remain.

Things seem to take a turn for the worst in October for Guerrero. The Division of Professional Licensure starts a nearly 14-month long investigation into the corporation. The DPL received a tip that Guerrero had practiced massaging in Utah without a license. According to Boston Magazine, Guerrero had twice been accused of fraud in Utah and settled both cases outside of court. He’s also not licensed in Massachusetts as a massage therapist or even an athletic trainer. What he does at the TB12 center I couldn’t tell you. And by 2014, the FTC shuts down sales of Neurosafe completely. But what reason does Guerrero have to worry? He’s been investigated multiple times and he’s only climbed up the ladder.

Similar to the “body coach”, after Rasputin gains his power, an old enemy pops up. The FTC (Or any entity that looks out for the greater good of the people) is to Guerrero as how Iliodor is to Rasputin. Now, who’s Iliodor? He’s a priest that Rasputin once saved from exile who’s now become an anti-semitic, homophobic firebrand. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I’m rooting for Rasputin right now. He’s a piece of work but it’s pretty hard to be worse than an anti-semitic, homophobic priest.

The pro-Jewish and not homophobic but still a drunken loudmouth Rasputin meets up with Iliodor. Greg starts rambling. Remember, he’s a drunk from Siberia, not the best social skills there. Mostly he brags about his sex life and mocks how Iliodor is a virgin. But that wasn’t what gets under the skin of the “Mad Monk of Russia”. It’s that Rasputin tells him that the royal family is under his thumb, that Tsar Nick calls him “Christ incarnate” and that Alexandra kneels at his feet “promising never to abandon him.” After that, Iliodor is a real enemy. Probably a good thing. Short of his murder, the best scheme that any of his enemies cooked up is pretty much out of a Warner Brothers cartoon. Picture if Yogi Bear was horny all the time and you now know how Rasputin works. So Iliodor supposedly pays this Finnish ballerina, Liza Tansin. She invites Rasputin to her house and they get blackout drunk together. Then, she brings out a few naked women that his enemies are paying and Rasputin, rather than getting up and leaving, decides to stay. Tansin takes off Rasputin’s clothes and gets a few “secret photos.” Cameras in 1911 still fold out like an accordion. I’m not sure how slick she was taking the photos but I’m gonna infer that Rasputin just did not care. It didn’t matter to Greg. He was having a good time.

Sometime after, Rasputin is home and a messenger knocks on his door with those pictures. The two get into an argument. The messenger leaves and a panic sets in. Rasputin can’t claim ignorance, there’s evidence. Does he leave town or wait till the Tsar gets the photos? So, what does Rasputin do? He jumps on it, takes the pictures to the Tsar himself, and says, “I’m sorry, I am a sinner. Please forgive me.” When Nicholas sees these pictures, his head is in his hands. He looks over each picture and shakes his head.

Ready for a surprise? Nothing comes of these last six paragraphs. None, zilch. Both of these guys get off again. Guerrero gets off because even though he’s not licensed, his employees claimed that he only “acted as a counsel” to his clients. A doctor and a certified athletic trainer employed there both claim he’s the “operations manager.” But multiple clients talk about Guerrero himself massaging them and often can’t tell that he’s not a licensed massage therapist or not supposed to be hands on. Tom Curran, a Patriots beat writer, was unaware of any of this when he was treated by Guerrero. The DPL shuts down the investigation, despite all this evidence, because it was delegated to the Board of Allied Health Professionals and they focus “on allegations of the unlicensed practice of athletic training,” and only that. On February 1, 2015, Guerrero is in Arizona, on the field and embracing Brady as confetti falls after the Patriots win their first Super Bowl in almost a decade. (The two look really cute and happy together.) Bob Kraft even presents him with a diamond-encrusted Super Bowl ring that read “We are all Patriots.”

And Rasputin? Of course, his enemies think he’s down for the count, that he’ll either leave or the Tsar will kick him out. But remember how in the Simpsons Homer boxed for an episode and he just let everyone hit his gut until they tired out? That’s how Rasputin works. Nothing phases him. The Tsar, after shaking his head, thanks Rasputin for bringing the photos to him. Then, he says, “You have mentioned your desire to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I think this would be a good time for it. I will, of course, give you the journey as a token of our esteem. The Lord knows you have earned it through your many services to the Crown.” The Tsar, instead of any punishment, sends him on an all-expenses-paid pilgrimage by first-class train after this.

Though don’t get the idea that everything becomes perfect just now. It quiets down for a little bit as the two lay low. But quacks always make noise. It’s in the name. TB12 is treating Brady and most of his receiving corps by 2017. New players feel that if you want Brady’s trust, you go to Guerrero. According to ESPN, “players openly discussed with Patriots coaches, staff and trusted advisers whether to follow Brady or the team.”

On August 25, Edelman, who was endorsing Neurosafe from pretty much day one of his career, blows out his knee. A Pats coach would tell ESPN there was “‘hypersensitivity’… over who would take his place.” This might have led to even more business at Guerrero’s spot. You need to be on Brady’s good side to be his receiver. During his time out, Edelman stayed in Brady’s favor by rehabbing at TB12, even calling Guerrero his Mr.Miyagi.

Then, in September, Brady publishes “The TB12 Method.” This is unusual for the quarterback who’d notoriously avoided making any off the field statements before. This is like when your friend becomes a born again Christian and takes it a little too seriously. ESPN reported that people around Brady found the book and the facility troubling. “Tom changed. That’s where a lot of these problems started,” one said. Patriots staffers said it felt “like a cult.” But Brady pushed on, trying to absolve football of its role in injuries and trying to extend his career. Guerrero seemed to be the engine behind this.

Old Greg would face a similar scenario by the time he returned from his vacation. When he got back, there’d be a new Over Procurator of the Holy Synod. That was basically Russia’s Secretary of Religion like how we have a Secretary of Defense or of Treasury. (Note: The Russian government at the time was built on the basis of Calvinball, where you make up your own rules as you go.) That doesn’t matter. What did was that Rasputin had this guy on his side so that way he could continue living life how he did. Gossip claimed that the Over Procurator had needed to beg before Rasputin to get the spot. Even though he was there and protected from the church, Rasputin learned that he needed people in power to be on his side, just like how Brady builds up support for Guerrero through the receiving corps.

Both “holy men” make sure their threats are forced out. The body coach insulates himself from the reach of the medical staff. Rasputin makes sure no one in the Orthodox church could touch him. Their areas of expertise are secured. But that still leaves the coaching staff and the government to get them. So these two do it all over again.

In early October 2017, Brady makes it know multiple times that he wants to play till he’s old. The current age that’s thrown around is now 45 but if Guerrero ever learns how to weld and program electronics who knows when Brady’ll stop. This is an announcement Guerrero had to have played a large part in as Brady credits him as the reason why he’s still playing. Before this next part, keep in mind that Brady has Kraft’s arm twisted. Kraft calls him his fifth son, they kiss each other, and their neighbors in Chestnut Hill, Boston. It’s a real close relationship. Later that month, Belichick and Brady discussed a contract extension. Belichick was hesitant of it because no one had ever played at a championship level in their 40s. The Patriots also had an heir-in-waiting in Jimmy Garoppolo. To make matters even worse, Belichick had already dealt away Jacoby Brissett, a second talented young quarterback the Pats had in September. According to ESPN, after all this, Belichick and Kraft met two weeks before the trade deadline to discuss the quarterback situation. Both Garoppolo and Brady were in the last years of their contracts and they couldn’t keep both. Kraft gave the coach an order, trade Garoppolo by November 1, Brady’s still our guy. In a two month span, the most paranoid coach in sports had traded away two talented and promising quarterbacks to stand by a banged up 40-year-old because of an emotional connection.

32-year-old Brian Hoyer, Brady’s longtime friend and definitely not a threat, was brought in to be the backup. In the next few days, Brady was “liberated” and “especially excited, hollering and cajoling.” He and Kraft were even seen hugging on the sideline. Belichick looked powerless, like Tyronn Lue getting stepped over. Here he’d meet the one player he couldn’t move on from. He’d sold out the franchise’s future, their plans now being compared to the Cleveland Browns by one staffer. The Browns went 1-31 in the 2016 and 2017 seasons. It’s not a comparison usually made for the Pats.

Brady’s reign wouldn’t stop there. Just over a month later, the quarterback would lash out at his coaches. In the December 3 game against the Buffalo Bills, he’d miss an open receiver and kill a first-quarter drive. As he walked back to the bench, coordinator Josh McDaniels said, “He was wide open,” about receiver Brandin Cooks. Brady kept walking. McDaniels said, “We had him open.” Then, Brady snapped. “I got it!” he yelled. Everyone in earshot turned to see what was happening. Patriots staffers held Brady back. But the incident was dismissed by McDaniels after an apology from Brady. “Part of what makes him great,” he said. And with that, Brady and by extension Guerrero were untouchable.

In Russia, Rasputin would remove those who could get rid of him, not his power source. One night, Iliodor invites Rasputin to a party at this guy Hermogenes’ place. He’s the bishop of Tobolsk and Siberia. Why Rasputin goes, I don’t know. So Greg pulls up to Hermogenes’ house and Iliodor isn’t there. But Hermogenes, a legislator named Colonel Ivan Rodionov, and an “epileptic halfwit” called Dmitry Kolyaba are there, according to biographer Joseph T. Fuhrmann. The bishop starts hurling insults at Rasputin. Rasputin goes to fire back, the halfwit loses his shit, screams, and grabs the monk’s genitals. (Note: This also isn’t the first time that this has happened to Rasputin.) They then grab Rasputin, drag him to a chapel, and make him swear he’ll never talk to the Imperial family again.

Of course, tattling to Nicholas was first thing Rasputin would do. After that, Hermogenes was stripped of all his powers and titles and exiled. Iliodor denounced the Orthodox church as “an abomination and a desolation,” and insulted the whole Imperial family before claiming that Rasputin fathered Alexei. And to top it off, the next year, he renounced his faith in a statement written in his own blood. There’s no record of the other two, just like Brady’s apology to McDaniels. After this, most of Rasputin’s threats are gone.

Greg’s first recommendation for appointment was his friend Varnava. Varnava was a monk with a high pitched voice who liked to dress in gowns and seduce officials before telling them he was a man. Russia, to this day, is incredibly homophobic and anti-LGBTQ. It’s also important to note that this guy had no qualifications whatsoever. He was barely literate, might have not finished rudimentary schooling, and definitely didn’t go to seminary. Some even claimed that he murdered an altar boy. If you want to know how powerful Rasputin was, the fact that he could get Varnava appointed should tell you something. These are the people running a government five years removed from the revolution of 1905, staring down at World War 1, and six years out from one of the bloodiest revolutions in history. Personal life or not, you don’t want Rasputin and his friends handling this. Every one of these people were terrible at their jobs, no exceptions.

Because neither Coach Belichick nor Tsar Nicholas could remove their quacks, they both looked incredibly powerless. Both are in positions that mandate absolute control. We now know that Rasputin couldn’t leave because the heir seemed to be healthy when he was there. But when Nicholas was pressed about it, all he could say was “There’s nothing I can do.” This is from the Tsar, the man God has sent down. In New England, all Belichick said about Guerrero was “What am I supposed to do about it?” And no one, not even Belichick, seems to have a good enough reason to keep Guerrero around other than Kraft and Brady wants there.

So you would think these two idiots held their places right? Of course, they don’t. They do the unimaginable and fuck up the unfuckable. By December 19, not even 3 weeks after the Bills game, Belichick bans Guerrero from the team plane and the sidelines. He also can’t treat players other than Brady in his office.

On January 5, 2018, ESPN put out an article called “For Kraft, Brady, and Belichick, is this the beginning of the end?” It was the first real documentation of the power struggle in New England. Guerrero had previously told The New York Times about how he was viewed “as a kook and a charlatan.” But the turmoil between the big 3 (Kraft, Brady, and Belichick) and the power struggles (mostly at the quarterback position) hadn’t been exposed. For one of the most tight-lipped organizations in sports, this came as a huge blow. For the past 18 years, things like this hadn’t gotten out. However, when you bring people like Guerrero into the mix, they do. Regardless of whether the article was true or not, the fact that it was believable said something.

We can be sure that Tsarina Alexandra did not have a sexual relationship with Rasputin. There was a Cossack with her at all times, It would’ve been impossible. She was also extremely faithful to Nicholas. But in the context of the rumors that were going around, the truth seemed very clear when in 1911, surrounded completely by lackeys and cronies, letters between Rasputin and the Tsarina leaked to the public. When the Tsarina is asking you for forgiveness, telling you she’s sinned, and falling asleep on your shoulder, you don’t let anyone know. Naturally, the Imperial family is pissed.

They refused to receive Rasputin at the capital. It’s similar to Guerrero being banned from games. Rasputin leaves to his hometown in Siberia. But the 1912 telegram miracle would soon happen, leading him back to the Imperial family.

Guerrero would just lay low and come back. By June of 2018, his name starts popping up again. Edelman, who’s been at his side since the very beginning, gets a four-game suspension for using performance-enhancing drugs. Keep in mind that the receiver was working with his “Mr.Miyagi” this whole time. It seems like fingers should be pointed at the body coach. Somehow, this doesn’t set any alarms off in New England. Two months later, Guerrero is right back in the mix. On August 3, he’s seen at training camp. On August 23, he’s on the team plane. And if there’s one thing that really helps blow an issue up, it’s not talking about it. Brady, who has a weekly interview with the Boston radio station WEEI, abruptly left when questions about Guerrero are asked.

I’m sure Belichick knows this isn’t how you handle things. The man can remember a long snapper from the 1980s. He probably knew that when the Romanovs tried to ban Rasputin’s name from the press, it backfired tremendously. All this ban did was point more attention from the tabloid press at Rasputin. And all Brady did was draw more attention back to Guerrero.

As of now, the last thing to come out about the “body coach” was in September of 2018. The Patriots and Brady reached a compromise. Brady and Rob Gronkowski now have unrestricted access to Guerrero. He could also join them on road trips.

Maybe Guerrero is a ridiculous story. But for the media to have swallowed up on one staffer, who has no solid effect on coaching, front office moves, or on the medical staff that we know of, is ridiculous. The past 5500 words have been about a kook who stumbles into the Patriots locker room and a drunk monk who winds up in Saint Petersburg. Their tales are eerily similar. No matter what happens, if the Patriots win five more Super Bowls with Brady or if they implode in the next week, Guerrero will be tied to it just like how Rasputin is tied to the end of the monarchy, the rise of the Soviet Union, and even the tampering in the 2016 election to some extent. Guerrero’s wake will be felt all over the NFL. Without Rasputin, we ask if Russia has a constitutional monarchy today, if WW2 is lost to the Axis powers. Without Guerrero, we’ll ask about everything that doesn’t happen and if he prevented it from being so.

Every dynasty has to fall. Some fall by being spread too thin or by simply not keeping pace. Then there are the ones where the powerful become too much so. That’s what happened in Russia. That oxymoron is what’s happening in New England today. To say their stories lined up completely isn’t correct. To say they’re very similar and that they may follow the same path might be. So the rest of this is merely speculation. It’s the answer to the second question, the idea that these two dynasties were on a similar past with a similar main figure so one can predict the other. You can figure out the third debate out on your own. One dynasty’s end is already mapped out. The other still must end. It will. It just hasn’t happened as of now. The best way to predict this, Rasputin.

I don’t hold Guerrero in the same light as the drunk monk. Rasputin had some awful rumors about him going around. But he also held some progressive views. He wanted to move Russia forward. He was against World War 1 and the deaths of people who had no say in going to the war. He was trying to fix the food shortages the country had. He wasn’t Illiodor, had adopted views that weren’t homophobic, and he certainly wasn’t an anti-semite. Guerrero is nothing but a quack. If anything, he’s leading people away from real medical solutions and putting them at a greater risk than they already were. Both, regardless of their views, were given access to positions that they were incredibly incapable of maintaining. These positions were things they had no business gaining. So where does this lead us to?

In Rasputin’s case, there’s an archduke that dies. Now, normally this is pretty meaningless. Franz Ferdinand, the one we’re talking about, is the cousin to a crown prince. He’s assassinated and then World War 1 started because of it. Nicholas eventually fires the commander of the army and decides to lead it himself. Because of this, Alexandra and Greg are left in charge of the largest country on the face of the planet.

How would this play out in New England? A relatively minor sports league starts. Let’s say it’s the Premier Lacrosse League which Paul Rabil is trying to get off the ground currently. He’s willing to pay out cash and Belichick, who’s proven almost everything he wants to in the NFL, could be courted. Brady’s said lacrosse is one of the four things that make the coach smile. Rabil and Belichick first met during Rabil’s time at John Hopkins University. The two hit it off and Belichick even gave him a sideline pass to a game. Like Tsar Nicholas going off to a war that could never happen because the world was too interconnected, Belichick could leave his team for a sport that’ll never take hold.

These moves each leave two more unqualified people in charge. Brady is going to make sure Guerrero is going to have a big say in whoever is brought in and like Rasputin and Alexandra leading Russia, it won’t be the best choice.

Of course, this is gonna be bumbled on both sides. Brady and Guerrero will not know how to handle this. We can only assume that their first choice for head coach will fizzle out. Even if it is McDaniels, he’s already run the Denver Broncos into the ground. I expect no different.

In Russia, the Tsarina and Rasputin see the same thing happen. Turns out marriage and friendships don’t qualify you to run an empire. The government becomes a game of musical chairs based on who’s sleeping with who. There’s a term called ministerial leapfrogging which summarizes the whole thing.

Faced with overhauling both the coaching staff and the medical staff (you bet that they won’t stick around with Guerrero in power), Brady, Kraft, and the body coach will blunder this. Don’t worry though, Rasputin and Alexandra did the same thing. Nothing bad happened to them, right? The Russians appointed the worst people to Prime Minister and Minister of the Interior, which is like their Head of the DOJ. Boris Stürmer becomes the PM. His claim to fame was that he was known to pick the spot where he’d be least likely to be found napping during meetings. As for minister of the interior, it gets a lot worse. Rasputin, during a trip back to Siberia, was stabbed by a woman with no nose who was a fervent follower of Iliodor with a fifteen-inch dagger. Iliodor, remember him? While recovering from that and the botched surgery that followed, he meets Alexander Protopopov. He was once second in command to the Fattest Man in Russia. Protopopov is now going insane because of syphilis. During his time as Minister of the Interior, he was seen walking around yelling at himself and answering questions for an imaginary interview out in the street. He’d also randomly break down into sobbing fits. If it’s any consolation, the doctors treated him with “arousing powders.” Really, that meant they got him hooked on coke. So Rasputin and Alexandra appoint a syphilitic cokehead to be the highest ranking law official in Russia and a sly narcoleptic to lead the government.

The New England three will probably decide to choose anyone who’ll let Brady run the team. They just need a yes man and for what they’ll pay, it ain’t hard to find. That’s their head coach, their PM. As for Minister of the Interior, I’d imagine even Guerrero would turn down a head trainer role because of the pressure it’d put on the team. But I’m sure he has no shortage of quacks to call up. While odds are they won’t be worse than Protopopov, they’ll still be a disaster. Any NFL player with a choice will steer clear of New England. They really would become the Browns.

In Russia, you’d see the government reduced to a drunken frat house. Picture people being churned out like the Browns have done for the last eight years. By now, the new appointments are awful because of the ministerial leapfrogging. One guy who was given a high spot in the church decided to throw house parties in an ancient monastery. The guests there would be encouraged to drunkenly spank the monks and to pour vodka on the altars.

The Patriots, who are reduced to Brady, the NFL castoffs they usually have, and the cast of Blue Mountain State, turn Gillette stadium into a Florida frat house. Even Florida alumnus Aaron Hernandez, Tim Tebow, and Brandon Spikes couldn’t do that. Soon players are partying in the locker rooms, the Lombardi Trophies are drenched with Henny, and the games aren’t even a concern.

Roger Goodell, seeing the NFL’s second most valuable franchise reduced to this, steps in. In Russia, Rasputin would meet his end at the hands of a man named Felix Yusupov. Before this, the monk would narrowly escape multiple assassination attempts. He’d either cancel pilgrimages at the last moment or just not show up to events. However, the husband of the Tsar’s niece would be the one to end him.

On December 29, 1916, Rasputin went to a party at Yusupov’s palace. He’d be the only one there when he arrived. Of course, Rasputin doesn’t run from this. He didn’t run from Iliodor, why start running now? First, in the palace basement, Yusupov fed the monk cakes and wine laced with enough cyanide to kill close to five men. But of course, this doesn’t work. Maybe it’s due to the fact that Rasputin had a large chunk of intestines removed after the stabbing which decreases the production of stomach acid, what causes the reaction to cyanide. Rasputin, who should already be dead, is instead going back and forth between nodding off and making Felix play the guitar for him. The only thing that happens is that he’s having a hard time swallowing. Felix, who’s close to a breakdown and probably playing Wonderwall, decides to go upstairs to talk to his co-conspirators. These geniuses decide to just shoot him. As Rasputin is admiring a crystal crucifix Yusupov shoots him in the chest and the Siberian collapses “like a broken doll.” The prince and his friends all watch him shake and twitch until he stops moving. But don’t think that was the end of it. These geniuses dress up a guy named Sergi to look like Rasputin and drop him off at his house to get rid of the blame. But when they got back, Felix got nervous and decided he had to go see the body. He was consumed with rage, feeling that he had to save the Russian empire from Rasputin, and shook the body and looked into the monk’s eyes. They opened “greenish and snake-like.” Rasputin, foaming at the mouth and groaning, rushed towards Yusupov. He’s dripping with blood. Yusupov gets grabbed by this man, clothes are being ripped, and the prince started screaming and escapes. Rasputin stumbles out of the basement and through the snow, screaming about telling the Tsarina and leaving a trail of blood. But before he can get out of the palace, a conspirator takes Felix’s gun and fires two shots at the monk. The first misses. The second one hits him in the back. He falls. Then, the assassin walked up and fired a shot into his head. They dump him in the Malaya Nevka River. That would be the end of Greg.

I don’t know how this translates into something that gets turned into a 30 for 30. I expect it to be this interesting. Also, I do know that Goodell will want to take out Guerrero by this point in our timeline. There’ll be a trial filled with appeals, nasty truths, and it’ll ruin the optics of the Patriots. It’d be like the Deflategate trial but on whatever PEDs Edelman was taking. If Yusupov could turn Rasputin’s assassination into a book, I’m sure Goodell could make a trilogy out of this trial. Picture if Goodell called Belichick to the stand while Brady watched. I’d pay good money to watch him breakdown film, never mind a court transcript related to Guerrero.

After Rasputin’s death, the country was faced with a civil war. Nicholas decided to avoid this during a world war and abdicated the throne. The Romanovs were kept at Alexandra Palace by a new provisional government. Bolsheviks, the communists, would then overthrow them and civil war between the Reds and the Whites would begin. The Romanovs were moved to a new location but as the White army approached the former Tsar, an easy decision was made. The man who had killed Vladimir Lenin’s brother during a peaceful protest, now the leader of the Bolsheviks, would die. So too would his family. And with that, the Romanovs ended.

After Guerrero’s trial and ban, Brady and Kraft would face a difficult decision. The two, fearing a complete loss, would step away from football. Brady would retire and Kraft would sell his team. However, that probably won’t stop Goodell. It’s very easy to see him ban the two for life from the NFL, scrub their names off the record books, and reclaim their Super Bowl rings. If you think the MLB is pious wait for an angry Goodell. Maybe through some twisted train of thought, a judge is convinced that Brady, who made money off the TB12 center from the Patriots, tried to circumvent the salary cap and his association with Guerrero violates the rule book, similar to using steroids or violating concussion protocol. Keep in mind, Brady is on a ridiculously discounted salary which makes that look even more suspicious. Goodell, who’s swung the hammer on the Patriots twice before, once for Spygate and then the other time after a lengthy battle with Brady in 2014 over Deflategate, would be faced with an easy decision. He’d ban his two most outspoken enemies in the league. And like the Romanovs, the Patriots reign would end too.



