One thing can certainly be said for â€œDark Shadows.â€ It is terribly boring. One would expect that a star studded cast including the likes of Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and Eva Green would be able to fully entertain an audience; however, this movie suffers in several ways.

The failings of this movie were in no way the actorsâ€™ faults. Johnny Depp was, as always, charming and brilliant on screen, while the rest of the cast did their jobs. Unfortunately for them, there is absolutely NO story to help their efforts at producing cinema. Within the first six minutes of the film, we are given the entire background story on Barnabas Collinsâ€™ relationship with Angelique Bouchard, and then are brought to present day where Barnabas begins his attempt at redeeming his familyâ€™s name. The story ends there, give or take a few attempts at comedy that were all seen in the trailers. The issue here is there is that there is no semblance of character development, leading us to not care about what happens to the characters. As a result, by the time we get to the conclusion we find ourselves praying for the credits to role, while hoping (and I never thought Iâ€™d say this) that the vampires in this movie were a little moreâ€¦ sparklyâ€¦

Seth Grahame-Smith, the writer of this troubled tale, is new to writing screenplays, but is no foreigner to the art of writing. He is responsible for such literary excellence as â€œAbraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,â€ and â€œPride and Prejudice and Zombies,â€ both of which have been picked up to be seen on the silver screen. Unfortunately, due to the poor writing in â€œDark Shadows,â€ I can honestly say that I fear the thought of watching anything else the man adapts to film. Maybe the issue for him was he did not originally write â€œDark Shadows,â€ and as a result, the other two movies will be better since he actually wrote the books, but I find that to be highly unlikely.

Now, many people have succumbed to the notion that Tim Burton is a great director. Unfortunately, that is one of the biggest lies Hollywood has ever encouraged us to believe.

Some of you may be shocked after reading that. Iâ€™ll let it sink in…

If you REALLY examine his work, there are four good movies that he directed: Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands and Batman Returns. That is all. The worst part is that the last one of those came out in 1992 â€“ 20 years ago! Sadly, one of the movies he is given the most credit for directing, he didnâ€™t even direct! He is often credited for â€œThe Nightmare Before Christmas,â€ but the world has seemed to have forgotten that it was Henry Selick who held the reigns there. Tim Burton was merely a producer and CO-writer. Allow me to list some of the other drivel Tim Burton has directed, just in case I have not made my point clear: Mars Attacks!, Planet of the Apes (2001), Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeny Toddâ€¦ at this rate, Iâ€™m going to list his entire resume, but I think you understand.

The Bottom Line:

â€œDark Shadowsâ€ is definitely one to avoid at all costs. I wouldnâ€™t even recommend pranking someone into seeing it just because you would feel so badly for them afterwards. Save yourself from boredom and just go see â€œThe Avengersâ€ one more time. Itâ€™s much more worth your money.

Until next timeâ€¦

See you at the theater