CALGARY—A former white supremacist and a Sikh man whose father was killed in a racially motivated attack formed an unlikely friendship after a tragic hate crime. Today, they’re travelling around North America telling their stories in the hopes of putting a human face to both sides of hate.

Pardeep Singh Kaleka’s father was killed on Aug. 5, 2012, at the Wisconsin Sikh temple where he was president. He was one of six people who died that day in a shooting by a white supremacist, who took his own life after the attack. The shooter was a member of the Hammerskins, a white supremacist group known for promoting and producing white power rock music, and one of the most violent such groups in the United States.

Arno Michaelis was a founding member of the Hammerskins. From an early age, he said he was full of anger, and by the time he was a young adult, he was caught in a dangerous cycle of violence, substance abuse, and hate. He began to distance himself from the movement in his mid-20s, and after the attack in 2012, he and Kaleka founded Serve 2 Unite, an international peacebuilding and educational initiative.

Two months after the attack, Kaleka reached out to Michaelis, who had renounced his former affiliations and authored a book called My Life After Hate. Kaleka wanted to try to understand the shooter’s motivation.

In a Google talk in August, Kaleka said he found talking to Michaelis “uplifting,” though he was initially wary of the idea that someone could completely change their ideology. When they finally met face-to-face, both men were nervous, unsure of what to say. But as they talked over curry for almost four hours, Michaelis said they found much more in common than either of them expected, despite their very different backgrounds.

Today, the two men are close friends — Michaelis says he’s trying to teach Kaleka how to swim — and they’re in Calgary to talk about their book, an exploration of forgiveness in a time of increasing polarization.

Kaleka and Michaelis, along with New York Times bestselling author Robin Gaby Fisher, published The Gift of Our Wounds: A Sikh and a Former White Supremacist Find Forgiveness after Hate in April with St. Martin’s Press. The pair will speak Tuesday as part of Mount Royal University’s Manmeet Bhullar Speaker Series about their book and about their friendship.

Both men advocate for the expression of vulnerability as a way to connect with youth across North America, especially those who are at risk. As an angry teenager, despite having a strong support system around him, Michaelis said he didn’t feel understood, a sentiment that deepened the rift between him and the outside world. Making things worse, he said, was his idea of masculinity, one that meant shutting out any emotion or vulnerability in favour of anger and aggression.

“I think a lot of it had to do with my ego,” he said, later adding, “We live in a society where it’s frowned upon to express our vulnerabilities.”

Kaleka worked first as a community police officer and later as a teacher, where he said he learned to connect with every youth differently and to recognize the role of trauma in violent behaviour.

“When I was teaching, it was really all about connection,” he said. “Our hearts need to be talking to other hearts.”

That’s a theme that continues to this day as the pair travel around North America talking about their experience. Kaleka said the simple, but powerful, act of sharing their story, side-by-side, has led youth to open up to them about their darkest fears and insecurities. It’s that trust and openness that both men say is key to addressing many of today’s most polarized and threatening groups.

Michaelis said he thinks that in today’s climate of increased polarization, it’s important for the media to be aware of their role in spreading the messages of groups like the Hammerskins.

“I understand the media’s conundrum … but if you don’t cover it in the right way, you are helping (perpetuate extremism),” he said, adding that treating each person as an individual instead of as the face of a group or ideology can help break through barriers between the two sides.

Michaelis recounts his experience speaking with a friend, then a member of the KKK, and what he learned when he tried to get through to him.

“It sucks to stare my old self in the face,” he said — he recognized his friend’s anger, and felt it boiling up inside him as well. “Rather than do that, I take a breath, and I disconnect myself from him.”

Instead of giving into his friend’s violent speech, Michaelis told him he was there to try to help. At the time, “it seemed like I was talking to a wall,” he said. “A month later, he burns his Klan robe, he left the Klan.”

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Michaelis said he has learned that when talking to someone like the person he used to be, it’s important to listen to them, regardless of the hostility they might show.

“You have to suspend your judgment,” Michaelis said. “Let them open up and let them talk about what they’re feeling and what they’re seeing and what they’re experiencing.”

Kaleka and Michaelis will speak at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday at the Bella Concert Hall at Mount Royal University. The event is free, and you can register here.

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