*Women over 45 kilos, don't apply. Why do you care about increments, your husband earns so well? She's just cranky because she hasn't been laid. *Stripper screensavers* promotion! She must be sleeping with the boss. Sorry, lady, can't report to a woman. Wanna come for the meeting? The client's got great boobs! It's just a dirty joke, she's a humourless b***h.Language protocol be damned,why is advertising a sausage fest still? It's 2015, for crying out loud. Why are the highest echelons of India's creative agencies devoid of women? The eighties saw more gender diversity and women walking those very hallways. In Brand Equity'sAd Agency Reckoner, an annual power ranking of Indian advertising, not one woman has featured in the Top 10 Most Creative and Top 20 Most Influential lists, and that's just the past three editions. Perhaps Aditya Birla Group 's Ajay Kakar , identified the problem when he said that in the past few decades there seems to be not one woman who has threatened the ad troika of Piyush Pandey Ogilvy ), R Balki Lowe ) and Prasoon Joshi McCann Worldgroup ). "It's one of life's mysteries," says Kakar. One we're attempting to solve, hopefully not in vain, by asking some uncomfortable questions.First, is it that women are steering clear of the ad business for more lucrative and comfortable opportunities in other fields, say, FMCG or startups?And, therefore, if they aren't joining en masse in the first place then rising to the top is out of question? Although it's not a rarity for women, across levels and in senior positions to leave for greener, manicured pastures, that's dodgy rationale nonetheless. Because women are joining the workforce in impressive numbers, as most agency heads tell us. At the entry level is where the men to women ratio is its healthiest, 60:40, if not more.So, could it be that women are not as creative, hardworking and ambitious as men? Rubbish. We only wish we had a rupee for every time adwalllahs waxed eloquent about a woman's special powers to combine instinct with real insight to come up with winning ideas. Remember it was Anuja Chauhan and her team who came up with Pepsi's (and one of the country's) most iconic campaigns to date — "Nothing Official About It". Furthermore, ad chiefs we spoke to sing paeans to a woman's work-ethic, ability to deliver results and win over clients and fight as hard as the next guy. Then, pray tell, what could it be, Holmes?When BE asked industry veterans, women and men, "where have all the women gone", the resounding answer was:"We lost them to motherhood." Because pregnancy is a fatal diagnosis in advertising. That's the godawful truth. "We lose some of our best people when they transition from working girl to working mother," they'll tell you. Agencies don't have an articulated maternity policy or even a room to spare for crèches in swanky high-rise offices. In a clear case of insensitivity, women on maternity leave are not kept in the loop or on mailing lists, whether they wished it or not. Their promotions and increments are held back until their return. Then a strong case of FOMO (fear of missing out) kicks in, forcing some to work till their water breaks, in office.It's not unusual for newborn mothers who return to work to find surprises like a replacement sitting at their former desks and a constant stream of jibes from colleagues because they had the temerity to clock out at 5:30 PM. Never mind the fact they work harder and smarter than guys on their 23rd smokebreak. The absurdity of gender specific double-standards continues when a woman must take half-a-day for, say, a PTA meet. The whispers are deafening; "She's not committed to her work". When a man takes off, they shriek, "Aww. He's totes Father of The Year."However, there are women who've managed to juggle both worlds rather efficiently despite a few bumps. Till a year ago, Swati Bhattacharya was one in a handful of female top-bosses. But then she quit her post as National Creative Director at JWT, one she shared with Tista Sen, still at JWT (currently, the only large network agency with a woman at the helm of its creative department). Fed up with a boardroom full of men telling her how to be a mother, Bhattacharya set up Dentsu's Mama Labs, a division that helps brands target mothers. She says, although JWT proved to be supportive and accommodating, even paying ticket fare for her child and maid to accompany her on business travel, "There were always people in the industry who said 'why are they so indulgent?' or 'how lucky and privileged she is!'Disregarding such tripe, she used her office as a child care centre and left everyday at half-five. As the practice turned to habit it seemed less like a privilege and Bhattacharya felt more empowered. Her advice to women in the ad business: don't be tentative about what you want even if it makes you unpopular. "You have to demand it. Make it a condition not as a mother but as a worker," she says.On the marketing side, companies are not waiting around to lose their best talent to babies and mothers-in-law. Two months ago, Vodafone defined a mandatory minimum maternity benefits standard — 16 weeks fully paid maternity leave, as well as a full pay for a 30-hour week for the first six-months after return to work. Why? Because 35 per cent of Vodafone's employees worldwide are women but they account for only 21 per cent of the international senior leadership team. In a company statement, Vodafone Group chief executive, Vittorio Colao, said: "Too many talented women leave working life because they face a difficult choice between either caring for a newborn baby or maintaining their careers." If supporting your employees is not motivation enough, consider this. KPMG analysis indicates that global businesses could save an estimated $19 billion a year through these provisions. Saving on retraining by retaining"the knowledge and experience of these women with positive consequences for productivity and effectiveness."So, dear agency and employee, lean all the way in, already!However, leaning in, literally, brings with it a different set of consequences. As one woman put it, "Try wearing shorts on a Saturday to office, it's like being inside a DTC bus (that's Delhi local transport)." Life in advertising is, in fact, a microcosm of the world outside, Bhattacharya told us, with rampant objectification in agencies big and small. But while male colleagues openly and audibly rue the lack of "eye-candy" to ogle at in office or marvel at their screen savers of female strippers, leadership follows the principle of benign neglect. And in the absence of a robust HR structure, with no powers beyond hiring and negotiating salaries, women subjected to this variety of harassment are left with just two options: be a "tattle tale" or forget about it. Besides if one takes any umbrage or makes apparent their distaste for sexist remarks and 't**s & a**' jokes, you are kindly advised go buy a sense of humour. It only gets tougher as you rise up the ranks. "It isn't easy being a woman in a senior position. You get a lot of 'she's a bitch', 'she's PMSing' or 'she needs sex'," says Priti Nair, director, Curry Nation. For an industry celebrated for its open-mindedness in the workplace and progressive attitude that's alarming indeed. (But then again advertising is the biggest purveyor of gender stereotypes.) There's, of course, no shortage of people ready to step up with the sorriest excuse known to mankind, "boys will be boys". And there are plenty of boys in this business. Advertising has always been a male dominated industry, says Grey Digital's Navin Kansal, "and everything has always been looked at through the male lens. When you think of girls in ad schools, where are the female role models for them to look up to and aspire to be?"Yes, advertising has always been a Boys' Club Only. But the current recipe of machismo at agencies,it seems,is one part Hemingway and nine parts Chulbul Pandey. It's 2015, and while Deepika Padukone discovers it's her choice, after all, men are still uncomfortable with taking orders from a female boss. Says Grey's ex-NCD, Malvika Mehra, "As cool as we are as an industry, there are a lot of chauvinists out here. They could be on the client's side or on the agency side. We may choose to gloss over this but it's evident even in conversations with clients, etc. Sometimes your own junior male colleagues can be a little cocky or aggressive because you're a female boss. It's cute to a point but then you ask them to shut the f**k up!" And god forbid if you don't indulge in some weekly drinking and debauchery with the boys, you are likely to miss the next big professional opportunity of your life. Says KV Sridhar, chief creative officer, SapientNitro, "Often, by default, women are alienated and lose out on great work because an idea came up and was passed on to the person sitting beside you." To add insult to injury, women often get typecast. Sanitary napkin account? That's a woman's job. "It's usually left to women to do the kind of advertising male creative hot shots don't want to do. Typecasting stifles the creative spirit of the organisation," warns Sridhar. To top it all, agencies missed the memo on equal pay. Havas Worldwide's Shavon Barua, admits that if a man were in her place he'd be earning more than her. "If there are four VPs of which one is a woman, she will be making a lakh or two less than her male counterparts. I have been told very often 'Why do you need more money? Your husband earns so well.' They all think you're in your career because your money is pocket money and your husband pays for everything."The situation started deteriorating faster when the business moved from being process driven to personality driven.As Publicis' Bobby Pawar says, "It must all start with leadership. While we've acquired a more business-like demeanor, the business is still run like a cottage industry." Says independent marketing consultant, Tarun Chauhan; "Everybody wanted to ape a Balki. But what they didn't understand is that while he's huge on ability he's bigger on discipline. When attitudes and abilities don't match you get a mess," and working conditions — hours, language, respectful professional relationships, sense of decorum, etc, go down the crapper. "No one wants to deal with that kind of s**t. The payoff isn't worth it." Some women who stick around at the top, he says, "become slaves of the environment and behave like the men."Now, let's get some things straight. We're certainly not saying that all ad men are insensitive, sexist pigs and women are benign victims of a necrotic system. Nor are we saying that women should be afforded"special privileges" based on anatomical differences alone. And we can only hope agencies aren't strong-armed into adopting haphazard quota-systems to recalibrate gender imbalances. In a utopian world, merit alone decides who gets the cubicle or corner office. And yes, we understand the dilemma. You say women must toughen up because advertising is tough. With its demanding schedules, the precarious state of the industry, and balance sheets, smothering clients, boogeyman and what not. It's a high stress job. Hell, bomb disposal specialists have it easier, if agency rants are anything to go by. All we're saying is this; if life in advertising is hard, make it equally distressing for all, man or woman, and not harder for the chosen people. After all, no one likes an equal opportunity offender.However, there's an alternative.Tiffany Rolfe, ex-CP+B , in an article she wrote for Ad Age provided the obvious, and seemingly best, solution: "If every female creative in a management role could mentor and promote just five other women, each of those can help five more, and onward, and before long we'll be in the hundreds. Call it a pay-it-forward meritocracy." It's never too late to start, right?So, gussy up, make yourself a cocktail, strap some TNT to that glass ceiling and watch the fireworks, missy.1. Thou shalt not use your gender to get preferential treatment: For instance, stop bursting into tears when rebuked for work. Oh, and while menstrual cramps are painful, you can't expect two days off each month. There are no substitutes for talent, passion, discipline and hard work.2. Thou shalt remain in offi ce late if thou hast pending work: No one likes sitting late, so it's unfair you want to leave early because 'your family doesn't appreciate you staying late' or 'you live far away'. Another option is to come in early and wrap up work effi ciently. Or secret option No. 3 is getting a job in a fi eld that lets you leave at 6. Hah!3. Thou shalt not get home problems to work and vice versa: As far as possible, compartmentalise your home life and work life. It takes work to achieve this, but it is vital to do so. Men do this very well. Don't play the damsel in distress. And don't go around spilling your guts and telling everyone tales of the terrible triangle — me, maid, mom-in-law.4. Thou shalt be yourself unabashedly: Be assertive but don't overdo it because that could become your biggest undoing. Also, there is no need to be the 'bro' and want in on the Boys' Club either.5. Thou shalt not be ashamed about being with family: There is nothing wrong in wanting to fi nish work on time to be with your partners and to tuck your children in bed.6. And thou shall not treat thy sisters as second class citizens: With great power comes greater responsibility if you happen to be a woman in the corporate world. Don't waste it by being unnaturally harder on female employees just because you can! Show them the way, and rewrite the future.