Since the days of Galileo, true patriots have stood up against the wrath of outer space.

It’s a dark, cruel place, perfect for leftwing science and sexual perverts to run amok. No wonder Obama loved NASA’s exploration programs almost as much as he loved compromising with Iran!

And just as Obama made bad deals with that rogue Muslim state, he did the same with a radical regime of homosexuals known as the Power Bottoms.

The Kenyan impostor surrendered huge swaths of American culture to these sassy reprobates, emboldening them to seize control of our televisions and search engines and even our most sacred bathroom spaces.

As a journalist, I was one of the few to report on the Power Bottoming trend and how our Super Elite Homosexuals made treaties with extraterrestrials that put American sovereignty at risk.

Naturally, the liberal media was silent.

Most offensive of all, Power Bottomists used taxpayer trillions to pioneer space travel and colonize our solar system. Soon enough, militant manwhore-extraterrestrial hybrids claimed Uranus as their horny home base!

They’ve turned it into the sleaziest corner of the galaxy! All it took was some lube and glitter and a few secret Illuminati sex rituals. You won’t find that fact on the Facebook! #UranusCensorship is real, sheeple!

Now Donald J. Trump wants to tear up Obama’s agreements with these leather-clad sodomy specialists.

The President knows that Uranus is the largest sponsor of homosexuality in the galaxy. Uranus is becoming increasingly belligerent and is completely controlled by the extremist Power Bottom ideology. Uranus has grown so powerful that highly placed sources in the Trump Administration suspect it’s being developed into a “death star.”

No doubt that Death Star of Uranus is aimed precisely at America’s massively proud manhood!

Apologist wimps say that Uranus has every right to exist. They claim it’s not so large or dangerous and deny that it’s consumed an entire generation of eager young men. Some say we should give sanctions time to work, like diapering an alcoholic to cure his food poisoning.

But the truth is, America has always been at war with Uranus!

The Power Bottoming lifestyle is completely at odds with Christian-American Patriotism. The world of these anal anarchists is one of nonstop hedonism. The phallus is their highest god, able to grant a spasm of salvation on some greasy ghetto futon while magic vapors swirl and muscled ethnic jocks line up to take turns. This scene is repeated night after night; twinks and saunas and bears and Brazilians and spanking and more terms than one man could ever research on a streaming video website as my wife batters on the bathroom door at midnight!

So let’s forget the globalists for a moment. What we really should be focusing on are the solarists who want to open up the entire Solar System to a fluid exchange with the Homosexual Death Star. That means more sex terrorism on the home front! And immigration and lost wages and the extinction of family values!

Worse still, what if China or Atheism is making secret deals with Uranus at this very moment? How easy it would be for them to gain leverage over America’s entertainment industry through these backdoor channels! Once you control entertainment, you control the votes!

If we citizens sit on our hands during this crisis, what will it ultimately mean for North Korea? Or Hollywood? Will they feel free to develop their illicit programs without fear of retaliation from the Trump Administration?

In the final analysis, all of America could be crammed up this bossy bottom agenda, rammed in there deep and forcefully as Uranus giggles in the blackened galactic night, clenching the full girth of our homegrown masculinity — our hairy chested blue collar workers, our hardened soldiers, our most virile young athletes, heroes all! — as our patriotism explodes in sweat and messy tears, finally to drip out in a pathetic drizzle down some young sodomite’s shaved legs…

No, there is no room for compromise. President Trump needs to strike Uranus while it’s hot. Even the Democrats know that a little nationalistic drone warfare is the best way to distract the public from Congressional investigations and the transfer of working class wealth to the 1%! Most important of all, war is a proven method of providing our able bodied men with much needed work! Not to mention empowering our finest military contractors with several trillions! There’s no better way to honor all the young voters who will die in the coming conflicts!