There’s a lot of deeply upsetting stuff going on in the news these days, but here at Tall Peters, we’re committed to reporting the news that matters most to us. And the big news here at Tall Peters HQ is that our anonymous source just shared with us yet another tantalizing glimpse at Kelsey Grammer’s failed screenplay, Frasier Crane. But the bad news is, in this latest update, things really take a turn for the worse for our old pal Frasier.

Read part one and part two exclusively on Tall Peters.

EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT

Frasier, wearing the same tattered clothes as the previous

night, staggers into the graveyard, clutching a half-drunk

bottle of sherry. He stops and falls to his knees at a

small, unceremonious gravestone, tucked away behind a bush,

that simply reads:

FREDERICK GAYLORD CRANE

1989-2006

He unlids the sherry and glugs it until he gasps, ejecting

sherry-spittle from his mouth. He rubs his face and breathes

heavily. As he catches his breath, a grim look comes over

him. He sets the bottle on the ground, and then pulls his

gun out from his back waistband. His face tightens with

determination. He grabs the bottle with his other hand and

begins to chug the remainder of it. With just a small bit of

sherry left, he apathetically tosses it aside.

FRASIER

I’m so sorry, Freddy.

He begins to shed tears.

FRASIER

It’s all my fault. I should have

been there for you. I never should

left. Oh, if only I could go back

and do it all over again.

Suddenly, we hear the voice of MARTIN CRANE’S GHOST.

MARTIN’S GHOST (O.S.)

Well, you can’t.

FRASIER

Wh- what?

Frasier looks up to see a ghostly image of his father,

without the cane, standing behind Freddy’s grave,

illuminating their surroundings. Frasier is flabbergasted.

MARTIN’S GHOST

Take it from me, Fras’. You can’t

go back. You can’t do it over

again. You get one shot in life.

FRASIER

Dad?

MARTIN’S GHOST

What’s the matter? Never seen a

ghost before?

FRASIER

Dad, I- I’ve lost everything.

MARTIN’S GHOST

Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You know,

when I lost your mother, I thought

it was the end for me. Only thing

that kept me together was the job.

My boys on the force were all I had

at that point. Then I took one in

the hip, and that was taken from me

too. I thought I was all alone. But

then you and Niles came back into

my life. After all those years, I

finally had a chance to connect

with my sons. And you know what? I

don’t think your mom would’ve

wanted it any other way.

FRASIER

I don’t understand, Dad.

Frasier is sobbing now. He wipes the tears off his face with

the gun still in hand.

MARTIN’S GHOST

Would you put that stupid thing

down? We both know you’re not gonna

use it.

FRASIER

I don’t need to listen to you!

You’re not even real. You’re

obviously part of some delusion

from which I’m currently suffering.

Temporary psychosis brought on by

excessive alcohol consumption. You

don’t fool me!

Martin’s ghost chuckles.

MARTIN’S GHOST

You always were a skeptic, weren’t

you?

FRASIER

Who am I kidding? You’re right. I

don’t have the guts to use this.

Frasier tosses the gun aside.

MARTIN’S GHOST

That’s better. Look, Fras’. You can

spend the rest of your life feeling

sorry for yourself, beating

yourself up over all your mistakes.

Or you can learn to appreciate what

you have left. Learn to love the

people who are still in your life,

and help them when they need you.

FRASIER

Help? Help… them? Oh dear god,

Dad, I’ve been such a fool. I’ve

made a terrible mistake.

Frasier bolts up to his feet.

FRASIER

Dad, I’m terribly sorry, but I have

to go.

Frasier turns and leaves in a hurry. Martin’s ghost starts

to fade away as he delivers his final words to Frasier.

MARTIN’S GHOST

Remember: It’s never too late.

Until it is.

After Frasier’s gone, and Martin’s ghost has seemingly

disappeared, the ghost’s voice still lingers, and it’s

joined by the sound of EDDIE THE DOG’S GHOST, barking.

MARTIN’S GHOST (O.S.)

Okay, okay, Eddie. We can go for a

walk. Come on. Let’s go.

The ghostly voices dissipate into the cold wind. All that

remains are Frasier’s nearly-empty sherry bottle, placed

just off to the side of Freddy’s grave.

EXT. LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Looking very tasteful from the outside, Lilith’s brick

townhouse blends right in with the nice, quiet neighborhood

that surrounds it. Frasier, shuffling along the sidewalk,

squints at the numbers on each house until he finds the

right one. He charges up the steps and pounds on the door.

FRASIER

Lililth! Lilith, it’s me!

Frasier peers in through the front window. Completely

lacking in furniture, a flickering TV set lights up an

otherwise empty front room. Lilith lies immobile on the

floor.

FRASIER

Lilith! Please let me in! Lilith,

wake up!

He pounds on the window, but Lilith still doesn’t move. He

looks around frantically as if searching for a means of

entry. He grabs the doorknob and jiggles it, realizes that

it’s not locked. He pushes the door open and runs in.

INT. LILITH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frasier dashes inside.

FRASIER

Lilith!

He crouches down by her side. A heroin kit with some needles

is visible, and a loose tourniquet is still hanging off of

Lilith’s arm.

FRASIER

Lilith, wake up!

He can see now that her eyes are wide open. She’s completely

motionless, not breathing.

FRASIER

Oh god, Lilith, please.

He holds two fingers to her neck to take her pulse, but we

can see that he already knows it’s too late. He breathes

deeply as he holds his fingers there for a few seconds,

waiting. Finally, he shuts his eyes tight and starts to

break down crying, embracing Lilith’s dead body.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Frasier feeds change into a payphone in a convenience store

parking lot. He’s in a considerably less prosperous part of

town than Lilith’s neighborhood. Beyond him, in the

distance, some streetkids appear to be having an

altercation. Frasier slowly, nervously punches in the

numbers on the payphone. He takes a big, heavy breath as he

hears it ring. DAPHNE answers on the other end.

DAPHNE (O.S.)

Hello? Crane residence.

Frasier tries to talk, but he chokes up and immediately

begins sobbing uncontrollably.

DAPHNE (O.S.)

Hello? Who is this? Who’s there?

Frasier can’t contain himself. Snot streams out of his nose.

He struggles to form words.

FRASIER

Daphne, I…

DAPHNE (O.S.)

Dr. Crane? Is that you?

He’s blubbering so hard he can barely hold onto the

receiver. He leans against the payphone to stay standing.

DAPHNE (O.S.)

Dr. Crane, what is it? What’s

happened?

FRASIER

Oh god…

DAPHNE (O.S.)

Shall I get Niles for you?

FRASIER

It’s too late…

DAPHNE (O.S.)

Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane?

Frasier falls to his knees. Everything goes silent.

END OF ACT ONE

***

Yikes! I think we’re starting to understand why the execs at NBC rejected this thing. No offense to Mr. Grammer, of course, but what an undignified end for Lilith, our personal favorite character. In any case, here’s hoping that things get brighter for Dr. Crane. Thanks for reading!