‘That’s Mom’s job’

Why is the mother always the default caregiver?

I am a stay at home mom, so as such, I spend much more time with my children than my husband, who holds a typical Monday-through-Friday, white-collar job. That makes sense in our situation. I get the children up in the morning, dress them, make breakfast, change everyone’s diapers, play, make lunch, change diapers and usually clothes need a change, too, at this point, then we go to the park, or the museum, or the grocery store — anywhere I might catch a glimpse of another adult.

My husband gets home in the evening, and we all eat dinner together. He helps me with bathing the kids, and we work together at bedtime. My husband helps, quite a bit compared to my friends’. But it wasn't until crisis struck that I realized exactly how much I did for our household.

No one is well prepared for emergencies

I was a healthy, 30-something woman whose only real hospital visits (aside from a car accident in my twenties) were for the births of my children. But shortly after my son was born, we had a health crisis! I woke up with side-splitting pain and non-stop vomiting. I spent an hour searching for a babysitter before calling 911 for an ambulance. I knew my pain level was severe enough not to drive, and I needed help NOW, but my children couldn’t be left alone, and my husband was in a new job which wasn’t allowing him ANY personal time, even for emergencies. Luckily, I was easily able to find a sitter and could be wheeled into the ambulance without concern for my kids immediate needs. I could let the pain wash over me, which resulted in many, MANY tears.

After multitudes of tests were completed, we ruled out an ectopic pregnancy, and my appendix, and a ovarian torsion (twisted ovary with no blood supply). It was a pesky little organ I didn’t think much about, and definitely didn’t know could produce this level of pain: The gallbladder.

Luckily the inflammation went down my first night in the hospital, and my gallbladder was likely aggravated by a nasty UTI, so I was told I could return home in three days or so, without the need to remove my gallbladder. Relief!

My next step was to figure out the care for my children while I was in the hospital, since my husband needed to work. We were lucky that we were able to arrange a babysitter for the daytime hours, and that left my husband to watch the kids in the evening and throughout the night.

My two children’s little lives were turned upside down by the drastic change in routine, and they were not going to let my husband forget it, My husband learned just how hard it is to be the primary caregiver and deal with the day-to-day. Which is when he realized just how little privacy I got, and how much he was awarded.

My kids love watching me pee

He needed to poop, and like many people, he didn’t want an audience of young children at his feet or in his lap. Of course I haven’t gotten to shower, or use the bathroom alone since the birth of my first child, but I am the mother, the primary caregiver. It is expected that I lose all my privacy. But he never had to deal with the children following him around non-stop, all day long. He finally dealt with the bathroom audience for the next few days until I came home, but he wasn’t happy about it.

Parents don’t babysit their children! Watching your own children is called parenting.

This experience made me realize how not just in my relationship, but in all my friends’ relationships as well, the mother (or primary caregiver, as it isn’t always the mother) is expected to always be there, always be available, whether she works away from the home, or stays home with kids. If the mother needs to be away, she must find childcare. I still remember when a friend mentioned wanting to go see a movie, and having to beg her husband to babysit. This really unnerved me. Parents don’t babysit their children! Watching your own children is simply called parenting. Parenting SHOULD be a combined effort of both parents to raise their children TOGETHER.

We should fight the gender stereotypes that the mother is the better parent, and let the father start taking more of a lead.