The wedding of Jeni Arrowsmith and Mark Wood was supposed to be beautiful. At its climax, a majestic white barn owl was supposed to swoop in over the congregation and deliver the rings. But that didn’t happen. Instead, the owl went feral and started attacking people, possibly because owls are flying weapons and not romantic accessories for cutesy weddings.

Are owls the stupidest wedding trend of the last few years? Incredibly, no. Not by a long shot. Here are some others, that all really exist.

A bouquet in a locked birdcage



Photograph: Alamy

The sight of hundreds of single wedding guests fighting tooth and nail over a casually flung bridal bouquet is reductive and insulting. Instead, why not lock it in a birdcage and make all your single guests queue up with keys to try to unlock it? It’s just like the sword in the stone, if that was primarily a tool designed to make single people feel embarrassed and inferior.

Personalised hankies



Are you utterly convinced that your wedding will be romantic enough to make people cry? Why not hand out a series of personalised handkerchieves embroidered with phrases such as, “To dry your happy tears”? Because you’re not a monstrous narcissist, that’s why.

Bobbing for doughnuts



Photograph: Alamy

Tying sugared ring doughnuts to strings and dangling them from a line, so that your wedding guests can ruin their outfits and makeup trying to eat them, is not fun. It’s like something King Joffrey would come up with.

Destination weddings that embrace local culture



According to Martha Stewart Weddings, this is a hot new trend in 2018. First, have your wedding so far away that guests will be forced to spend thousands of pounds just to get there. And then, once you are there, insult all the locals with your thoughtless cultural appropriation. Fun!

Novelty themes



The online store Etsy has entire sections devoted to Harry Potter weddings, including “Mischief Managed” bunting, Quidditch ring boxes and wands that are handed out to guests so they can bless the married couple in unison with a spell. Your future children will hate you for doing this.