Now that I finally have a couple of minutes to express my thoughts after getting four feet of water in my home during the recent flooding in the Baton Rouge area, I’d like to use this opportunity to say how thankful I am for this whole experience.

Not because it makes me a better, more humble person with a greater capacity for empathy or some hokey crap like that.

No, I’m glad my family and I are displaced and face an uncertain future because I always wanted my house flooded in a disaster used to score political points. Truly, it’s been a lifelong dream of mine to lose my possessions and childhood memories in a catastrophe that politicians and pundits would use to make hay.

Just think of all the rich stories that will come of this. Someday, I’ll be able to tell my great-grandchildren how high the water and the political bullshit got. We’ll talk about all the destruction, the cheap rhetoric, and the shallow political ploys, and just laugh about it all.

I can’t wait to see how you co-opt the flooding for your campaign and mercenary desire to achieve elected office.

So to all the political types out there looking to capitalize on our collective tragedy, please let me know how long you would like me to keep my flood-damaged refrigerator on the curb. The fetid odor is almost overwhelming, but I realize your PR team needs a metaphor for resilience and good ol’ fashioned American hard work.

Honestly, I can’t wait to see how you co-opt the flooding for your campaign and mercenary desire to achieve elected office. The nauseous smell from our flood-ruined possessions and cherished mementos likely will pale in comparison to the stench that surely will emanate from the mouths of elected officials and office-seekers attempting to improve their political standing.

But please, Mr. or Mrs. Politician, don’t let our suffering stop your highly paid team of consultants from breaking down cost-per-point ratios based on individual precincts affected by the floodwater. I never would want the destruction of my entire neighborhood to get between you and a sensible ad spend.