Yet another upset caused by “mental patient” Halloween costumes suggests that many people still consider this a valid option. If they will insist on dressing like people with mental health problems, they may as well do it accurately.

Another year, another Halloween approaching, another business gets called out for thinking mental illness is a perfectly fine idea for a Halloween costume.

While it’s not the first time this has happened, things may be improving; the portrayal of mental illness in the media is not as bad as it once was, and the establishment responsible for this latest incident at least responded quickly and effectively.

Sadly, given the frantic commercial exploitation of Halloween, the fact that offensive stereotyping is acknowledged as bad unless it’s in the form of a Halloween costume, and many people who still see mental health issues as fair game for a laugh, it’s probably going to keep happening.

Maybe you’re wondering what all the fuss is about? Obviously people have different views on the matter, but the main issue is that these so-called “mental patient” costumes are an extremely negative and ridiculous portrayal of an already marginalised group of innocent people (who make up a substantial chunk of the population)

Halloween is supposed to be about scary things (or sexy things these days, for some reason). Yes, some bedraggled individual running at you with a blood-stained cleaver is scary, but that’s because they’re clearly a murderer. You should be scared of murderers, regardless of their mental health situation. Despite what opponents of gun control might like to imply, those with mental health issues are highly unlikely to harm anyone.

And yes, the mainstream portrayal of asylums is a scary one, but asylums were mostly scary places for the inmates, not because of them, given the sort of things done to them there.

So, if you will insist on dressing like someone with a serious mental illness for Halloween, here’s how to do it accurately.

Depression

Facebook Twitter Pinterest This is what people with depression might look like. Photograph: Alamy

To dress like someone with serious depression, just wear your normal clothes. But you should take several hours to put them on due to a chronic low mood and almost complete lack of motivation. It may be hard to replicate this sensation if you don’t actually have depression, so try wearing a rucksack filled with anvils and bowling balls to get a sense of the effort required to do the most basic task.

You should also try to convince yourself that you are essentially worthless and interpret any remark said about you (or not) as a thinly-veiled but cutting criticism. If this is too difficult, try not having any emotional response to anything at all. This may seem counterproductive at a time of celebration, but accuracy is important.

To best portray someone in the grips of severe depression, don’t go to a Halloween party.

Schizophrenia

Facebook Twitter Pinterest This is what people with schizophrenia may look like. Photograph: Alamy

To dress like someone with serious schizophrenia, just wear your normal clothes. Record yourself saying an endless stream of self-criticism, and play it on a loop through your headphones. Start genuinely believing that innocuous features of your environment are in fact signs of a clear conspiracy to do you harm.

If all of this seems like too much work, you can stop responding to anything, and cease almost all movement entirely.

To best portray someone in the grips of severe schizophrenia, don’t go to a Halloween party.

Addiction

Facebook Twitter Pinterest This is what people with addictions may look like. Photograph: Alamy

To dress like someone with a serious addiction, just wear your normal clothes. They don’t have to be especially clean or ironed though. You shouldn’t really care about anything other than the thing you’re addicted to (you have a wide variety of options here).



You should alter the very layout of your brain so that anything in your life becomes subservient to your addiction and you experience serious stress and physical pain without it. You should lose all sense of priorities when it comes to socially acceptable norms in favour of your addiction, and need to retain a sensitivity to the source of your addiction, probably for the rest of your life.

To best portray someone in the grips of severe addiction, don’t go to a Halloween party.

Dementia

Facebook Twitter Pinterest This is what people with dementia may look like. Photograph: Alamy

To dress like someone with serious dementia, just wear your normal clothes. You may not remember where these clothes came from though, or how to dress yourself, so may need help.

Your memory should gradually get worse and worse, although it can randomly return to normal, confusing both you and your loved ones. You will also need to get increasingly angry and lash out as the confusion and uncertainty get to you.

To best portray someone in the grips of severe dementia, don’t go to a Halloween party.

Anxiety

Facebook Twitter Pinterest This is what people with anxiety may look like. Photograph: Alamy

To dress like someone with serious anxiety, just wear your normal clothes. But you should be fearful of how people will react to your clothes, for no discernible reason.

You should be constantly afraid and on edge, for no discernible reason. Occasionally, you should be so overwhelmed by inexplicable fear that it becomes incapacitating. You may try to offset this unreasonable fear by feeling compelled to perform constant repetitive actions which feel as though they help despite there being no real logical justification for this. You shouldn’t stop thinking about them though.

To best portray someone in the grips of severe anxiety, don’t go to a Halloween party.

Of course, the vast majority of people with mental health issues do actually socialise, have friends, normal lives and all that. But the Halloween costumes based on mental illness have never bothered with the subtle aspects, opting instead to go for the extremes.

You may think that the “costumes” described here don’t sound at all enjoyable, making it seem like serious mental illness is no fun at all.

Yes. Funny how that works.

If you feel you are experiencing any problems with mental health, there are a wide variety of NHS recommended resources for you to contact who will be happy to help.

Dean Burnett is aware that people with mental health issues can easily socialise as they count for about 80% of his friends, and a great deal of his Twitter followers, @garwboy.