SILVER SPRING, MD—In its largest study of safe dietary practices to date, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that when used correctly, food is successful in preventing hunger approximately 98 percent of the time. “After researching the effects of nourishment, we found that if people put food in their mouth and make sure to get it all the way down to the base of their esophagus, hunger can be averted almost every time,” said FDA spokesman Ken Simmons, who during a press conference demonstrated the proper usage of food with a banana. “Granted, there’s no 100-percent foolproof way to avoid getting hungry, but we can make a huge difference by ensuring people know the facts: that food can’t be reused once it’s been eaten, that the outer wrapping must be removed first, and that they should always check the expiration date.” Simmons went on to commend the many U.S. schools that offer free meals to students, but warned that they would be ineffective without proper instruction on when and how to eat them.

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