Dear Sugars,

My husband and I are both 30. We’ve been married five years. Several months ago, we decided to begin the process of becoming homeowners. After meeting with a mortgage broker, who mentioned he’d be checking our credit reports, my husband was distraught. He soon confessed that he’d opened credit card accounts without telling me and he’d racked up $5,000 in debt. This might not seem like much, but my husband is a full-time college student, paying his way with student loans that we’ll have to begin repaying when he graduates next year. I’m employed full time, but I also have student loan debt, and I make just enough to cover our expenses.

My husband feels horrible about having accrued this debt, which we’re now slowly paying off, but I’m still incredibly hurt. To make it worse, he spent every credit card penny on himself — buying music, books, and computer and video games. Before this, I never felt the need to police his behavior, but now I struggle to trust him. Recently, I’ve been noticing strange charges on our bank and credit card statements. When I ask my husband about them, he claims each time that the bank or company has made a mistake and he calls to have the charges reversed, but I’m suspicious. I also found a letter from a bank denying my husband an increase in a credit limit he’d requested — again, without telling me.

We have a peaceful and affectionate relationship, but I fear that his spending addiction needs major treatment. I don’t know that he has our economic well-being in mind or if he’s willing to be my partner in making a good life in the long term. What’s your advice, Sugars?

Spent

Cheryl Strayed: Your husband committed what’s referred to as financial infidelity, Spent. Like sexual infidelity, the healing can’t begin until the partner who committed the betrayal stops doing it. Your husband hasn’t done that. He confessed to his secret debt not because he was ready to change but because he knew it would soon be revealed. He apologized and carried on as before. Now he’s lying to you about what he claims are false charges on your accounts and he has also attempted to get more credit without your knowledge, presumably to accrue more debt, which is how he got into this trouble to begin with. I can’t discern from your letter whether or not your husband has a spending addiction (though it sounds like he might). What’s clear is that he’s still deceiving you about his spending. You’re wise to take this breach as seriously as you’re taking it. His actions have damaged more than your credit rating. They’ve damaged your trust.