Okay everybody, time to panic: According to GeneralsJoes.com, the Mayor of Springfield, Illinois has given Cobra Commander the Key to the City, effectively handing over control of Abraham Lincoln's hometown to the same organization responsible for attempting to destroy the Aurora Borealis with an Ion Attractor, attack our nation's military with cloned dinosaurs, and steal the state of Alaska from the federal government.

The announcement characterizes the awarding of the city's highest honor to one of our deadliest enemies as a promotion for the upcoming G.I. JoeCon next month, but I think we all know what's really going on here. The terrorist organization known as Cobra has established a beachhead (not to be confused with small arms specialist Beachhead) on American Soil, leaving us to wonder one thing: Where is GI Joe?!

For those of you who aren't up on your military history, the city of Springfield plays a pretty key role in the history of the conflict between GI Joe and Cobra. In the early days of their rise to power, Cobra took over a town called Springfield, replacing its entire population --- man, woman and child --- with sleeper agents, using the fact that "Springfield" is an extremely common city name to mask their actions. The city was eventually liberated by a massive attack from the Joes in 1986, but there has been speculation that similar operations have occurred in Broca Beach, New Jersey and, most recently, the gated community of Rancho Corba, California.

Clearly, Cobra Commander is trying to recreate his initial success now:

Cobra Commander, leader of the organization known as Cobra, recently visited Springfield to receive the key to the city from Mayor J. Michael Houston. In an eloquent and moving speech, the cobalt-clad commander-in-chief detailed Cobra’s vision of the future and its goals to bring about a better tomorrow for all those who support their cause. Said Cobra Commander “Springfielders near and far, I accept your Mayor’s generous gift. And let it be known that I too bring a gift for every man, woman and child of this city that is so near and dear to my heart; an invitation to join with me. Join Cobra!”

One can only hope that "GI JoeCon" is merely a cover for a liberation operation set for April 9-12. Should the liberation of Springfield fail, Cobra will no doubt expand their influence over the rest of our country, in which case I'd just like to remind everyone that I have been a loyal supporter of Destro for over 30 years.