You know how it is: the end of the night, a huge wad of ones, and the bartender won’t cash them in for you. You use them to tip out, you use them for your stage fee, and you’ve still got a stack thicker than your thumb. You kept shoving them in your purse, and now your purse is overflowing with them and you can’t find anything. Don’t worry, you’re about to know what to do with all those ones.

#1. Take them to the bank. They’ve got dollar counting machines just for these kinds of situations. When the manager shows up to ask you if the dollars are real and what happened to them just be honest. Tell them the green stuff is blacklight paint that you rubbed all over yourself before making boob prints on a t-shirt for the bachelor last night, the sticky white stuff is whipped cream from your candy girl show, and the slippery white stuff is your special combination of lotion, water, and dish detergent that looks just like semen.

#2. Buy gas and groceries. When the cashier asks if you’re a waitress just smile and nod, you’ll pick up less stalkers that way.

#3. Give them to homeless people and your friends’ kids. You’ll feel great.

#4. Package them up and mail them to your favorite charity. Imagine the office conversation that will follow. “Hey, did you hear we got a donation of 397 one dollar bills today? Yeah, poor John had to count them all and they had this weird white stuff on them. Oh my Gods, I bet a stripper saved up her ones for a few days and sent them to us.”

#5. Start a change jar for your ones. I did this with a big water jug before I lived in a van, and it was great fun trying to shake the ones out when I was broke.

Whatever you do, do not save up a thousand of them and try to use them to buy new tires. The last time I did that they called the police and I almost got arrested.