CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

While both online and print media doing their very best to downplay the hundreds of bushfires currently ravaging the nation’s east coast, the Australian public is does not seem to be letting Prime Minister Scott Morrison get away with the same thing.

Over the weekend, not one front page, or home page, on any major newspaper around the country decided to make mention to the catastrophic Summer that have seen over 1000 Australian homes destroyed in both Queensland and New South Wales, it appears the Scotty From Marketing has played his cards right by clearing his schedule to make room for the smokey Christmas drinks at Lachlan Murdoch’s house on Friday night with all of the other patriotic servants of the Australian people.

He was joined by Gerry Harvey of Harvey Norman, Crown casino boss John Alexander, cardboard magnate Anthony Pratt and Sky News chief executive Paul Whittaker.

However, due to the fact that over 60% of the Australian population, who live along the eastern seaboard between Sydney and Brisbane, have not seen a blue sky in three weeks due to the dense cover of bushfire smoke – it has become apparent that the voters are not as willing to believe that everything is going to be okay. With many ‘Quiet Australians’ failing to remain as positive as as the billionaires that surrounded Scotty and Jenny at last Friday’s Christmas Party.

It is for this reason that Scotty From Marketing has called an urgent meeting amongst his colleagues and fellow marketing professionals.

They have huddled today to brainstorm ways to get out of not addressing the nation over the climate changed aided bushfires, just after he spent 4 months passing legislation to arrest hysterical climate change activists and forcing Parliament House to assign genders to the unisex bathrooms near his office.

The Prime Minister is reportedly starting to worry that The Quiet Australians might be expecting him to keep the ‘Promise of Australia’ that he made on election night – which as vague as it was, now means he is obliged to ‘burn for us’ – which can be loosely translated from marketing jargon to say that he will ‘have a go’ – because you only get a go if you have a go – and you can’t have a go without getting a go.

Unfortunately for Scotty From Marketing, these 16 different election slogans, which were created through weeks of data research dragged from focus groups of everyday Australians and ended up being perceived by voters as verbal contracts – are quite difficult to get out of.

With a lacklustre test against a low tier subcontinental cricketing nation failing to distract the nation, the Prime Minister is now panicking that Australia’s favourite hyper-religious pentecostal Christmas carols aren’t even going to the job either.

At time of press, Morrison was seen rocking on a chair in the corner of his office, erratically shouting ‘Muslims, Unions, Gender-Whisperers!” in a last ditch bid to crank up the non-climate-change-related news cycle.