I HAVE spent my life campaigning for Scottish independence. Without tooting my horn too much – and I do love to toot my horn – you could say that my thoughts and actions brought Scotland closer to independence than ever before in 2014. I think my success is mainly down to me being such a forward-thinking and progressive kind of guy. I’m also a big fan of the monarchy.

Now, some might consider my love of an institution that allows bloodline to dictate power to be hypocritical or just downright stupid, but I think the royals are brilliant. Moreover, I think they would be of great benefit to an independent Scotland. Granted, Charles is a bit of a fuddy-duddy, but the rest of them aren’t so bad. The Queen even gives me horse racing tips from time to time. In addition, it has been proven that the royal family generate around £500 million a year in tourism for Great Britain.

Given my admiration for the monarchy, I was recently disappointed to learn that the Queen’s private estate has invested millions of pounds in an offshore portfolio to avoid tax. I do like the royals, but I really love taxation. Big government is better government. Socialism is sexy. And how can the Government reach full length and girth without the proper monetary stimulus? Although I’m never wrong about anything, I do think that – given this change in circumstances – the SNP might need to rethink their present policy of keeping the Queen as the head of state post-independence.

Alexander,

Gordon

DEAR Alexander,

It’s 2017. Monarchy is still a thing. Nobody knows why. What’s even more perplexing is why the SNP would be figuring such an outdated institution into their plans for an independent Scotland. Certainly, this latest leak about the Queen’s tax-avoiding ways is only going to further the argument that the Yes movement should universally disregard the royals. They’re pretty much the antithesis of what families in an independent Scotland should look like: workshy, elitist, occasionally racist and now blatantly dishonest. Justifying the monarchy is hard enough, but justifying a monarchy that won’t pay its fair share back to society? Impossible!

As you’ll be aware, an independent Scotland will have millions of citizens needing accommodation, and it seems to me that we should be spending money on the many instead of funding the already luxurious lifestyle of one non-working family. We don’t have to pick a fight with the monarchy, but we do have to put the interests of the Scottish people ahead of the interests of a handful of corrupt relatives. After all, even within Britain, the royals are nothing but a hazard to Scotland. Not that long ago we witnessed an unelected monarchy granting an unelected PM permission to instigate legislation that Scotland didn’t vote for. It’s inexcusable.

That said, your point about the money generated by monarchy-related tourism is an interesting one. If we absolutely must keep them, maybe privatising them is the answer? Perhaps we could rebrand the royals as our premier sightseeing attraction? I mean, they don’t seem to do anything else, besides old-time bigotry and leafy dinners, so why not utilise them in a way that properly benefits the country?

I reckon foreign visitors – particularly imprudent Americans – would pay good money to ride a rollercoaster with Princess Beatrice or have their picture taken on a ferris wheel with Prince Andrew. Hell, I’d even bet that British citizens would stump up to throw a pie at the Prince of Wales. Come to think of it, you could literally create an entire theme park around the royal family. Moreover, we could force the royals to work for minimum wage on zero-hours contracts until they had paid off their outstanding tax bill. Wouldn’t that be something? It would give the entire family first-hand experience of a different side to life, as well as crucial experience in the customer service sector.

Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace, Balmoral House and other royal houses could be used to shelter those in society without homes. After all, these huge buildings all have a multitude of empty bedrooms – and we know that the Queen isn’t paying the bedroom tax – which is an incredible waste of resources. It seems to me that a big step towards eradicating equality in society involves tackling the problem from the top; it is the rich, not the poor, who create and sustain poverty.

In the age of extreme austerity and the wringing of the necks of the underprivileged, we need to be consistent. If Her Majesty and her roustabout relatives are unwilling to pay their bills, we should not hesitate to utilise their resources in a way that best addresses inequality in society. And without putting too fine a point on it, I really want to see Prince Charles getting pied by a group of Chinese students.