Lately, I’ve had this internal struggle that has boiled to the surface. It’s an insecurity I’ve always had – that I think all dancers have – which is that I hate my dancing. We are our own worst critics. And nothing anyone else in the world could say – even the top pros/judges – that would change my own opinion about my dancing. I hate when I am visibly frustrated with myself and others try to cheer me up with compliments. I prefer to be left alone. What you have to say will not change me or my opinion. When I am like that I mentally shut down, and my introverted self would like to tell everyone to go away.

Now as a recent pro, I’ve struggled with hiding my own frustrations. It’s not professional for me to show my insecurity in my own dancing because I always have to put on a positive and encouraging face for my students. But I am human, and no matter if you’re an amateur or a pro you are always improving and learning. So I think to an extent it is good for my students to see me struggle and work hard. But they cannot see me when I go into my shut down, self deprecating mode. And I am going to be honest. I think that is a trait of mine that is innate to my character, and to an extent I cannot change that about me. But I can change my outward behavior. Basically, my students cannot see me feel defeated, because then they will give up on their own goals.

This was during a dress rehearsal for a recital. Right before this, I was sitting out back behind the studio with my head between my legs crying:

Recently, I’ve been working on a new international Rumba routine. It has lifts and tricks and things that I’ve never done as a new pro. It’s probably the most physically challenging routine I’ve done thus far, and I am a very physical and athletic person. But I am challenging my body in new ways, and so it’s frustrating when I don’t get something or constantly feel off balance. In addition, while working on this new routine, I’ve realized that I’ve run my body into the ground lately with the dancing and gym training (which is why I wrote a piece on the need to go easy and take a rest week every once in a while).

But every single time I went to go dance this routine, my legs would shake or freeze up, my joints would crack, and my mind would go into panic self-deprecating mode where I would tell myself – while dancing – that I was a terrible dancer. And of course when you are in that mental state while dancing, it only makes your dancing worse, which makes you feel worse, and beat yourself up even more.

The other day I had a conversation with one of my students who is 7. We were working on stretch and strengthen exercises, and as a kid, he kept telling me it hurt. As he’s instructor I obviously have to be concerned that he doesn’t get hurt, but he wasn’t even stretching that far and I had to explain to him that when you stretch or strengthen your muscles, they should burn a little bit. There is a point where if it becomes very painful you should stop. But it should feel “hard” and “difficult” but that is the only way we will grow our muscles, increase flexibility, and improve our dancing is if we push our bodies past comfort zone. You cannot be a baby just because something is difficult or hard. That’s when I realized that I have been a baby lately. I have been not trying because this new routine is hard. Instead, I’ve been pouting and hating on myself and my dancing because I can’t automatically get my body to do what I want it to do, but I haven’t really worked on it. But I am also notorious for pushing my body too much. When I get frustrated with my dancing, I tend to get pissed off at myself and put even MORE power into my movement which ends up straining my body, my mind, and my partner.

My best pro tip for when that happens: stop, breathe, if you have to make it through rehearsal then just mark. Then go home, have a beer or a glass of whiskey (or both), a good nights rest, and come back the next day ready to work again. But you do need to take a mental break.

That’s what I’ve learned about myself as a dancer with anxiety. I hate saying that I have “anxiety”, because no I am not diagnosed, I’ve never gone to a doctor about it. It’s not something you can just get over. Like I said, part of me will always be self deprecating and go into shut down mode. What one has to learn is how to handle oneself when your body and mind goes into that mode. You have an internal struggle in your brain between the negative and positive voices, and you cannot let the negative voices take over. It’s not easy, and it’s not simple.

For me I need to get outside away from people. People crowding me to try and cheer me up makes everything feel worse. It’s too overwhelming. I need to go to a quiet safe place. I can’t talk about this. My boss knows this about me. He is part dance teacher, part therapist. But he knows if I need to teach, or perform, or put a happy face on, that I cannot “talk” about my problems. For me I need to “ignore” my problem temporarily, breathe, focus on the positive, and bring my thoughts back to the present moment which is to just dance.

For me, at the end of the day like that, I need to come home, eat some yummy food for the soul, light some candles, take a bath, have some whiskey, put my feet up, and try to focus my thoughts on the present. Get a good nights sleep. Wake up. Make some homemade espresso and a big breakfast. Go to the gym before heading into the studio, b/c the gym is my therapy.

Do you have any anxiety tips, especially when it comes to dealing with it at work or when you really need to train and you can’t let it stop you?