MCALLEN, TX—Appearing calm and composed after completing a tour of a migrant detention center, Vice President Mike Pence assured reporters Friday that conditions within the border camp were “not so bad” while workers sprayed down his hazmat suit with disinfectant. “After spending two hours inside this facility, both touring the premises and talking to families, I can assure you, the Democrats’ criticisms are extremely overblown,” said a hacking, coughing Pence, who smiled to reporters before getting whisked away to a nearby sterilization chamber and promptly blasted with antimicrobial agents. “Thanks to our brave, hardworking border officers, this facility is clean, safe, and totally disease free. If you ask me, all this news of ‘overcrowding’ and ‘inhumane conditions’ is frankly making a mountain out of a molehill.” At press time, the vice president was approached by several doctors, loaded into a back of a truck, and then driven to a secure location where he was placed in quarantine for at least 48 hours.

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