WASHINGTON—Admitting he was surprised by all the tasks required of him in order to enter the prestigious organization, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly stated Thursday that he was impressed by the hazing rituals you have to go through before they let you join the Supreme Court. “Man, I knew the Supreme Court doesn’t let just anyone in, but I’ve got to say, they’ve really made me run the gauntlet and do all this embarrassing stuff—I mean, I had to go on national television with my wife and tell everyone how long I was a virgin,” said Kavanaugh, acknowledging that he had to respect the humiliating challenges he’s been put through to prove himself worthy of the Supreme Court, like showing his high school diary to the entire country and having to face multiple women from his youth who he “didn’t even go all the way with.” “I did some pretty gnarly stuff back during my fraternity days, so I figured they’d force me to get paddled or chant the Supreme Court motto ‘Equal Justice Under Law’ for a few hours outside in my underwear or stick my thumb up someone’s ass, but this hazing is really putting me through a wringer. But I’ll do whatever I have to if it means they’ll let me be a justice. Supreme Court for life!” Kavanaugh added that when he had felt especially ashamed during the hazing process, he just reminded himself that this was the same initiation his future Supreme Court brother Clarence Thomas had to endure.

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