AL-HOL, SYRIA—Amidst the shake-up following the sudden death of Islamic State caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, sources confirmed Monday that local ISIS fighter Youssef Khalil al-Noury found himself uncertain whom to contact to submit his request for personal time off. “I’ve really been looking forward to this vacation and have these nonrefundable plane tickets, so I’m really not sure what to do,” said al-Noury, who explained that he had sent in the necessary paperwork a few days ago but had reason to suspect al-Baghdadi had not gotten the chance to sign off on it before retreating into a tunnel beneath his remote Syrian compound and detonating his suicide vest. “There are a few higher-ups I could message if I absolutely have to, but I’m not sure they even have clearance to approve the request because I’m not their direct report. I just don’t want to leave and then come back and have it be this huge fucking thing, you know? Damn it. I really wanted to see Mount Rushmore, too.” At press time, al-Noury had reportedly decided to just use his accrued sick days instead, having realized HR policies would not permit him to roll them over to the 2020 fiscal year anyway.

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