Dress-wearing 73 year-old unmarried celibate man vehemently supports thing he has no experience of

The most senior Roman Catholic cleric in Britain, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, has spoken out against gay marriage, claiming that just because he doesn’t have the first clue what he’s talking about shouldn’t stop him talking to everyone about it.

O’Brien claimed that gay marriage would deprive children of a traditional upbringing which should include a mother, a father, and a shady old man who touches them in church.

He told the Sunday Telegraph, “What’s important here is that we think of the children. No-one wants to see unhappy kids – particularly not priests. Crying kids are desperately unattractive.”

“Plus, any child brought up in a happy loving household is likely to be harder to prey on, even if that household is a gay one.”

“Gay marriage is an unknown quantity to the Catholic Church, so who knows what effect it will have on our ability to abuse children – it’s probably better for all concerned if we just leave it well alone.”

Cardinal O’Brien on gay marriage

Church officials have backed O’Brien’s statement, claiming that having a pointy hat and a big gold chair means that their two-thousand year-old opinions on the modern world are incredibly important.

A Catholic spokesperson said, “If we let people live the sorts of lives they want to, which make them happy and don’t affect anyone else, then what role does the church have left in society?”

“Before you know it, the collection plates we send round to parishioners at mass will be empty and we might start having to sell off our billions in assets.”

“This is the slippery slope towards the church becoming obsolete – so of course we’re against it.”