What does it mean to be Asian American?

Growing up in a place where the culture of your family upbringing constantly clashes with the environment that surrounds you. To cope, you either try to blend in or stand strong in your difference. One creates conflict, where the other submits.

Can we embrace our culture and live within a society that differs so greatly? Doesn’t some of the responsibility fall on the dominant culture to make us feel included? Or is it the duty of the other to conform to the status quo creating a homogenous society?

Questioning the self; this battle is constant. At a young age, all people want is to fit in and the easiest way to do this is to not make any waves and submit. Advise all too often given to Asian American children before they head to their first day of school. Say the right things and submit to the dominant. For someone who is Asian decent this can come with a price. Is there a way to hold onto the culturally Asian part of you and be part of a larger American society?

I wanna share with you my story:

In response to when I was asked to write about one of the greatest challenges in my life.

Just for background I consider myself a multiracial 1.5 generation Japanese American that is a part of a larger Asian American experience.

The greatest challenge/ obstacle I have outcome started at a young age when my family made the move from Japan to Seattle in 1999. At the time, I was just going through changes in my life. As I look back on the experience, I feel the struggle of socialization starting with the initial move and continuing through out my entire time in the United States.

In the beginning, I was Japanese; I ate the food, spoke the language, and went to pre-school with all my friends in Japan. This was the life I knew. My father was American but with Japan around me, my narrow young world was of this one experience, one culture. At the age of 5, we moved out of our place and settled in the greater Seattle, Washington area. This changed everything I thought I knew about the world around me. I was new, awkward, and unaware of the rules. I thought I needed to assimilate myself to fit in. For the next 10 years I would learn the language and the cultural nuances that I thought made up an American. Even though my mother would make it a point that holding on to my Japanese self was in my best interest by going back to Japan in the summers, taking Saturday Japanese School, and learning Japanese culture at home; I felt the Japanese in me slowly leaving my body like a balloon that had a hole poked in it. These two factors lead to the reformation of myself into a person that enjoyed the taste of the food behind closed doors but to everyone else I would make it clear that I was attempting to push my Japanese away. My mother would talk to me about the importance of my grandfather’s experience in World War 2 internment camps, and to keep up my Japanese language skills but I would not listen. I was more comfortable with my Asian side being the butt of the joke. Throughout my middle school and high school career, I fought to suppress a large part of myself. But like anything you try to suppress it will come back stronger at one point when the pressure building is too much to contain.

This day came when I started taking an Introduction to Asian American studies course during my freshmen year of college. Reading the material in class gave me a transformative moment. All the experiences I had growing up fighting between the American way and the Japanese way were conceptualized in valid scholarship. On top of that, there was actual scholarship in academia that talked to how Asians fit into the formation of America as a nation. A mix of happiness and anger filled me. Part of me was grateful for all the narratives represented in this class but the fact that these experiences were real because of discrimination angered me. Thinking about all the times I was cast as a racial ‘other’ in a place I was trying to make my home was an indicator to me that I should stop trying to forget this large part of myself and embrace it. Being Japanese and part of the large Asian American experience became a central part in my life.

This embrace was my way to outcome this challenge of finding my own in America. My experiences have taught me that as much as I try to push away my asianness I will never fit into white America the way my Caucasian friends will. This seems to be a common narrative for other Asian Americans as well. It was time to carve out my place in America. To do this I came to the understanding that I needed be part of the movement that looked to insert the Asian American narrative into the public conciseness. As much as you feel alone there is great strength in creating a community around you that supports and loves you. When I think back, my realization that embracing my unique Japanese mixed American heritage was critical to my well-being. As I work within the Asian American community, I not only feel like I bring into existence a better alternative for marginalized people but I am in the process of healing and bringing myself into balance once more.

Other Notes

Cover photo by: Emily Dong

As part of a photo campaign run by Asian Pacific Americans for Action at Cornell University called Through My Eyes inspired by the University of Chicago’s “Through My Asian American Eyes” photo campaign dedicated to capturing the variety of Asian American experiences.