I was sat on the sofa the other day, minding my own business, when the youngest one wondered up and punched me in the face with his tommee tippee cup.

The blow was hard, for a not quite 2 year old, and as I watched the bruise rise around my left eye I couldn’t help but thinking it was somewhat metaphorical – signifying that the baby days were well and truly over.

Welcome to TODDLERHOOD, season 2.

I think I may have blocked out some of the horrors of the first series but lately I’ve been having flashbacks. I remember my first son tantruming to the extent that his face turned deep blue and his body lay jerking on the floor. I remember screaming, convinced that he was having some sort of seizure and dashing for my phone to call 999.

As it turned out he was just a ‘bit’ pissed off that I had broken his banana in half. And at that moment, all the anger at being given an incomplete bit of fruit, was deemed more significant than actually – just breathing.

And now it’s happening again. My dear sweet bumbling boy has been possessed by an inner demon. His once pliable little body working against my every move.

So what do you do? Don protective headgear and sit cowering under the stairs or write a list of everything that pisses them off in order to stem off any aggravation?

Hmm lets see. Things that cause a meltdown include:

Being buckled into the buggy without a biscuit



Seeing a bus and not being on it



Not being allowed to tip your water all over yourself



Being wet because you tipped your water all over yourself



A finite supply of blueberries



Not being able to feed the cat yoghurt



The cat not liking yoghurt



Not being able to draw on the table



Not being able to draw



Not being able to eat pens



Not being able to eat play-doh



Eating play-doh



Eating soil



Eating soap



Being hungry because you won’t eat any actual food



Not being allowed to store pen lids in your mouth



Not being able to shut your brother in the toy box



Wanting to bend non bendy things



Breaking things by bending them



Not being allowed to throw objects of your choosing out of windows



Cloud Babies



Scrambled egg



Bean juice on your hands after eating beans with your hands



Not being allowed to bash the TV with a sword



Your socks being on slightly twisted



Not being able to take your socks off yourself



Not having socks on



Socks



Wearing gloves



Having cold hands



Sliced, as opposed to cubed, cheese



Pigeons

I could go on but you get the gist… If you want me I’ll be under the stairs (with a stash of gin).

**************

P.S. I have a new shop and it is OPEN NOW! You can check it out here :)