ATLANTA—Touting the product as the easiest way for DIY-ers to seriously injure themselves, Home Depot introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch Thursday for fucking up your back in the garden section. “Made from all-natural organic materials, our new too-heavy bag of mulch is perfect for absolutely destroying your spine the very first time you try to pick it up,” said spokesperson Anthony Beasley, noting that the mulch bag’s awkward dimensions and uneven weight distribution make it nearly impossible to carry by yourself. “Conveniently located on the cement floor so you can’t get your hands underneath it, this bulk container of shredded wood will leave you doubled over in the garden section screaming, ‘Son of a bitch!’ Plus it’s wet, so when it bursts open in the back of your SUV, it makes a huge ass mess. Weekend warriors who actually do manage to get it home will find this specific bag is somehow just barely not enough mulch to get the job done, requiring a return trip to Home Depot and another herniated disc.” Home Depot also debuted a new line of delicate terra cotta planters that shatter upon being touched.

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