OK, now this is the big one. This is where we discover if the famous victory of last weekend was yet another false dawn, or a real dawn – a dawn we can trust and believe in, and raise our children in its warm nurturing light.

There is a sense – not a powerful sense, nothing strong enough to call confidence, just a vague tingle down the backs of our calves – that Australia might actually be about to win the Bledisloe Cup for the first time since 2002.

But in order to do something no Wallaby side has done for 13 years, this team has to do something no Wallaby side has done for 29 years: win at Eden Park.

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The last time gold jerseys walked from Eden Park with smiles on their faces was 1986. To put into perspective how long ago that was, consider these facts: the Australian coach was Alan Jones, and… Well, really that’s all you need. Alan Jones was the coach of the Australian rugby team. Can you even believe that? What the hell was this country on in the eighties?

But I digress. The point is that it is now 2015, and this Wallaby team has no Jones to instruct it, no David Campese to break the defence, no Mark Hartill to make people eventually forget who he was.

It is time for a new generation of heroes to stand up. But to do this, to beat the fearsome All Blacks for the second time in a row, and at their most impregnable fortress, everything needs to go right. This means many traditional Australian tactics – like accidentally kicking the ball forward in rucks, falling the wrong way round in tackles, and passing to nobody – may have to be sacrificed for the greater cause.

But if those are the things the Wallabies must not do, there are also several things that are absolutely crucial to Australian success in this most momentous of clashes. Here are the 10 non-negotiables for glory this Saturday:

1. Face down the Haka

Over the years Wallaby sides have tried many different responses to the Haka: ignoring it, staring blankly at it, crying softly. But it is imperative that this weekend, no Wallaby shrinks from the challenge.

Confronted with a raging Haka it is easy to feel inadequate and weak; to think, “How am I to dare to compete against these mighty dancing men?” But the Wallabies must not let this feeling overwhelm them.



A good way to do this is to imagine the All Blacks naked. And fat. Imagine the All Blacks naked and fat, that will help a lot.

2. Silence the crowd

The Auckland masses will be roaring their men on, and Australia needs to silence them quickly so they cannot provide a psychological boost.

There are many ways to do this, but one good way is for the Australian coaching staff to keep several loaded guns trained on the crowd throughout the game.

3. Bolster Quade Cooper’s confidence

When he’s riding high, Quade Cooper is a devastating attacking force. When he’s at a low ebb, he’s like a drunken seal trying to nose the ball through a hoop.

The Wallabies must rally around Quade and make him really believe in himself. Lots of encouraging statements, like, “You’re the man, Quade”, and “Hooray for our handsome five-eighth!” are in order.

Also, everyone in the Wallaby camp should insult Bernard Foley and Matt Toomua at every opportunity.

4. The scrum

A solid foundation is vital: the Australian scrum was superb in Sydney, but the All Blacks will redouble their scrummaging efforts in Auckland. To overcome the Kiwi tight five, it is advised that at every scrum the Australian forwards make pointed remarks regarding the essential pointlessness of rugby scrums, subtly causing the All Black pack to question the direction their lives have taken.

It’ll be easy to take advantage of the consequent weakness.



5. The lineout

This was messy last week, and needs to improve mightily at Eden Park to secure steady supply of possession to the Australian backs. The important thing is to ensure New Zealand can’t understand Australia’s lineout calls, and to this end Michael Cheika should translate all calls into the secret language ‘Ithig’, as used in the Sweet Valley Twins series, which is known to be an unbreakable code.

6. Stop Richie McCaw

I don’t care how you do it. Beat him up, let down his tyres, shanghai him into the merchant navy. It doesn’t matter, just stop him.

7. Give the ball to Israel Folau

If there was a flaw in Australia’s backline play last weekend, it was that Bernard Foley did nothing and Nick Phipps had a stroke seconds before kickoff. But if there was another flaw, it was that there were times when Israel Folau did not have the ball.

The Wallabies must rectify this: for god’s sake give Izzy the ball. Keep giving it to him! Don’t. Stop. Giving. Him. The. Ball!

8. Pick more openside flankers

The experiment with two opensides proved a roaring success, with David Pocock and Michael Hooper wreaking havoc on the All Blacks’ attack and defence. If two opensides work, surely four or five will work even better! The entire front row should be replaced with openside flankers, for greater speed and mobility.

9. Score lots of goals and tries and so forth

If there’s one thing that historically has proven a key to success at Eden Park, it’s scoring more points than the opposition. If Cheika can instil in his troops the importance of scoring tries, and also goals, it’ll go a long way toward victory.

10. Cheat

This pretty much always works.

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