CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Expressing relief that her new purchase would finally help her get a more restful night’s sleep, area woman Wanda Armonson confirmed Friday that her weighted blanket was sure to succeed where CBD, a salt lamp, an oil diffuser, an acupressure mat, bath bombs, and a white noise machine had previously failed. “It really didn’t work out with the valerian root, blue light filter, cooling gel eye mask, knee pillows, scented candles, or humidifier, so I’m looking forward to this weighted blanket finally getting the job done,” said Armonson, telling reporters that the new blanket would be a welcome change of pace from the largely ineffectual melatonin pills, lavender room spray, electric shoulder massager, Bluetooth dimming light bulbs, guava tea, and memory foam mattress she had tried previously. “I admit I’ve been suckered in by some of these sleep trends before, which is why I’m happy to finally move past the magnesium supplements, ocean wave projector, air purifier, dozens of meditation apps, and incense to something that actually works.” Armonson also noted that if for some reason the weighted blanket didn’t meet her expectations, she had heard great things about blackout curtains.

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