SinderElf decided to play with the clickbait title generator and came up with a list of Fantasy article titles and challenged other bloggers to write articles for the titles. I saw “Why You Should Give Up Sex and Devote Your Life to The Elder Gods” on the list and could not resist to the urge write something using that as the premise. Enjoy.

Sex is great, isn’t it? One of the basest of human desires, it also brings you closer to the person you love both physically and emotionally.

But, and hear me out on this – have you considered devoting your life to the Elder Gods?

Let’s look at the advantages!

Sex is fleeting: The Elder Gods are eternal.

There’s no denying sex is a pleasurable experience. But it lasts for only a short time. Ten to twenty sweaty seconds and you’re done – if you’re doing it right – and that’s it. If you happen to be particularly bad at sex, it could take at most, like…five minutes? I dunno. The point it, is doesn’t last.

The Elder Gods, meanwhile, have existed since before the dawn of time, and they will still be here long after our pathetic attempt at a civilization has turned to dust and been forgotten by all but them. You, of course, will not be eternal, but if you devote your entire life to their worship you can find yourself basking in their unholy ecstasy for almost a century – perhaps even longer with certain arcane rituals!

Sex can spread diseases: the Elder Gods will spread madness.

No one enjoys getting an STD. I assume. I dunno what all you are in to, but I’m assuming…okay, lets try that again. Most people don’t enjoy getting an STD. It’s embarrassing, awkward, and they range from ‘uncomfortable’ to ‘terrible’ in terms of their impact on you. Every time you have sex, you’re basically playing Russian roulette with your genitals.

On the other hand, with the Elder Gods, there’s no risk of a disease, only the absolute certainty that your fragile mind will shatter into a thousand pieces upon beholding their terrible and wondrous visage. You will bask in their glory, and in the process, your mind with be fractured, shattered, and rebuilt. This isn’t a normal mental disorder, either – this is the stark raving madness of one who has seen beyond the paper-thin veil that protects our sanity and knows the true horror that lies at the depths of the cosmos. Symptoms vary, but include howling at the moon, ranting about the end of the world, failure to shower, and writing list-based articles on the internet to convert more to Their cause.

Help me, they’re always watching

Please the eyes they’re in the walls they’re in the floors they’re in the sky they’re always watching they’re always waiting they know my Name the one that’s inscribed in my soul and they will find me and they will consume what little humanity I have left and

Sex can result in pregnancy; the Elder Gods will use you as a vessel

Sex is the method by with the majority of human children throughout history have been produced. Some people even want wailing little gene-vectors running around, which is fine if you’re into that sort of thing, but children can consume your life like nothing else really can.

Nothing else except devotion to the Elder Gods. The Elder Gods will consume your mind, body, and soul. They will wear you like a meat-suit, turning you into a vessel for their dark designs. You will not have to let a squalling little child control your life, because your brain will be full of Their Unnatural Appendages, walking you like a marionette to serve their glory. You’ll need nothing and want nothing except for the inevitable end of this puny cosmic spec we have the audacity to call a world.

Clearly, there’s one correct choice here, and it’s the one that involves eternal servitude to cosmic horror. Iä Hastur cf’ayak’vulgtmm, vugtlagln vulgtmm.

Don’t forget to click here for your free book. It’s only 30% likely to result in eternal servitude to the Elder Gods.