As you know, spring training stats don't matter. They should mostly be ignored. I will maintain that position until I walk into the Great Big Cornfield in the sky Iowa. But dammit, baseball stats are one of my favorite things in the world and ignoring them is pure torture.

We still have to make it through 11 more days until the regular season starts. I don't know about you, but I can't take it any longer. I have to look at the stats. Just gotta do it. I'm not going to inhale, honest. I'm just experimenting. Who didn't have a little meaningless fun in their youth, right?

Let's all make a promise. We're going to look at these stats, get a little tipsy on them, and then wake up tomorrow not remembering anything that happened tonight. We're not going to put too much stock in them, we're just going to look at them out of curiosity. We're also only going to look at the players who are putting up really good numbers, because I think it's easier for us to wrap our heads around disregarding those than overlooking, say, Yoenis Cespedes' terrifying .360 OPS. We're thinking happy thoughts in this post.

Here are some of the hottest players in Oakland's camp. These guys are so hot that they could spit out their chewing gum, wrap it up in tinfoil and sell it to Annie Savoy as earrings.

Brandon Moss

Stats: .433/.515/.800, 3 homers, 11 RBI, 5 walks to 7 strikeouts

Conclusion: Moss is still a good hitter.

Derek Norris

Stats: .407/.467/.741, 2 homers, 9 RBI, 3 walks to 2 strikeouts

Conclusion: Norris has got this spring training thing down. His 1.207 OPS is actually lower than the one he posted last spring (1.235).

Stephen Vogt

Stats: .394/.459/.606, 1 homer, 1 triple, 4 walks to 3 strikeouts

Conclusion: Vogt is exactly what we thought he was a month ago -- a catcher with a bit of pop and plate discipline who is totally worthy of getting major league at-bats.

Billy McKinney

Stats: .455/.500/.545, 5-for-11, 1 double, 1 walk to 2 strikeouts

Conclusion: Last year's first-round pick is not a bust. Yet. I don't expect him to bust, because I never expect first-round picks to bust, and it totally hasn't happened yet. McKinney is still one of Oakland's top prospects.

Nick Punto

Stats: .389/.450/.444, 2 doubles, 4 walks to 5 strikeouts

Conclusion: Punto eats minor league pitchers for breakfast, and infield dirt is his bacon bits.

Daric Barton

Stats: .364/.533/.545, 4 doubles, 7 walks to 2 strikeouts

Conclusion: Barton will make the Opening Day roster, unless he gets hurt. It's just going to happen.

Coco Crisp

Stats: .357/.538/.500, 4 doubles, 11 walks to 4 strikeouts

Conclusion: 2014 American League MVP. You heard it here first. (Shoot, I inhaled.)

Michael Taylor

Stats: .320/.404/.640, 3 homers, 9 extra-base hits, 10 RBI, 6 walks to 15 strikeouts

Conclusion: Oakland will find a trade partner for Taylor rather than just waiving him.

Sam Fuld

Stats: .304/.373/.522, 1 homer, 3 triples, 13 runs, 5 walks to 4 strikeouts

Conclusion: There will be at least three paragraphs about this spring on his Wikipedia page.

Other notables: Josh Reddick (.333/.359/.500), Jed Lowrie (.314/.359/.629), Jake Elmore (.308/.400/.359)

Top strikeout-to-walk numbers among the pitchers:

Drew Pomeranz -- 14:2

Jesse Chavez -- 14:4

Fernando Abad -- 10:0

Dan Otero -- 7:0

Zach Neal -- 6:0 (in 3⅔ innings)

Evan Scribner -- 8:1

Matt Buschmann -- 8:1

Arnold Leon -- 8:3

Josh Lindblom -- 8:3

What spring training performances have you excited for the upcoming season?