LAKEWOOD, CO—Saying that his appearance was equally confusing and startling, members of the Bear Creek high school coaching staff told reporters this week that none of them recalled inviting former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to give an inspirational pregame speech to their football team last Friday. “I got my guys down on one knee in the locker room and then he just sort of showed up and took over,” head coach Eric Moore said of Lewis, who reportedly began his 15-minute speech in a low whisper before gradually building up to full-throated screams as he punched lockers in front of the group of silent high school players. “He really scared my boys shitless. I know I didn’t invite him, and my assistants told me they didn’t either, so I have no idea where the hell he came from. I think I heard some of the opposing players saying he stopped in to talk to them before the game too.” Moore confirmed that neither he nor anyone else affiliated with the school or booster club asked Lewis to lead the team through the paper banner and onto the field.

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