Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty

There are many dirty jobs in America, and not all of them can be handled by television personality Mike Rowe. Some jobs are so toxic and soul-corroding that a shift minding the shit-chewing machine sounds like a golden opportunity by comparison. United Airlines—one of 2017’s top trending brands—is now advertising just such a position as a “brand public relations manager.”


As everyone who hasn’t recently suffered head trauma on a United Airlines flight will remember, the company is in a pickle following its brutal treatment of a passenger, its heartless non-apology for his “re-accommodation,” and its later attempt to pull the human mask back over its wire face with a re-apology. For the many who watched at home thinking, “Hell, I could run an airline better than these clowns,” here’s your chance!

If joining us in building a forward-thinking, path-blazing, world class communications team sounds intriguing—let’s talk. Being part of big, transformative moments like this are rare—so, if you have the courage, the creativity, the conviction, the agility, the leadership and most importantly the passion to help United reclaim its reputation as one of the world’s great and resilient companies we hope you’ll consider embarking on this journey with us.


Yes, it could be you helping United blaze a path toward a future where everybody forgets what they did to that one guy and how their role in a great, resilient oligopoly will make flying suck forever. This is a big, transformative moment: It’s your chance to help United reclaim its reputation as a company that is merely “Bill Lumbergh from Office Space evil” and not “Omni Consumer Products evil.”



Anyway, if you’re a rockstar brand manager who eats communication plans for breakfast and shits them into the mouths of media contacts after lunch, check this job out. Just make sure you’ve got the qualifications they’re looking for:

* Bachelor’s degree in communications, marketing, or journalism * 5-7 years of public relations experience * Willingness to hose remains of predecessor off work station * Access to the Men In Black devices that make people forget videos they saw * Ideas to replace our old slogan, “Move Fast And Break People” * Proficiency with Excel and InDesign

[Note: Fusion, like The A.V. Club, is owned by Univision Communications.]



[via Live And Let’s Fly]