CORNING, NY — Corning Incorporated (motto: “Who cares if it’s half empty or half full as long as it’s our glass.”) announced it has obtained a patent for a solid glass ceiling that appears to be fractured with 18 million cracks. The product will be called the Glass Sheiling and is expected to be marketed primarily to female-owned corporations, companies that market primarily to women, and supporters of Hillary Clinton and Sarah Paling.

“The time is right for a product like this,” said Corning marketing director Rhonda Silica. “Hillary Clinton proved a glass ceiling can be cracked. Sarah Paling proved a glass ceiling can be shattered with a moose gun. And now Corning will prove a glass ceiling help us crack profits of 10 cents per share per quarter over at least the next four years.”

Corning scientists are tightly guarding the secret behind the solidity of the Glass Sheiling, which appears about to break and come crashing to the floor, especially when stared at intently by men in business suits. “Let’s just say it’s part glass, part magic and part clear nail polish,” said Dr. Crystal Vitreous, Vice President of R&D at Corning. “One thing I can assure you,” said Dr. Vitreous, “No woman’s lips touched a blowpipe in the making of this glass.”

Pre-orders for the Glass Sheiling have been placed by Mary Kay Cosmetics, Bayer (makers of Midol), Oprah Winfrey, former HP CEO Carly Firoina and former President B*ll Cl*nton, who asked that his name be disguised since it’s a surprise birthday gift for his wife.