Firstly, in my version, everything is narratively satisfying to me personally. For example, remember how the entire White Walker problem was solved by Arya stabbing the Night King? Hah, as if! No, no, in the fanfic version, he doesn’t die from the stab. He falls down, and says “I am slain!,” and then gives a ten-minute monologue that wraps up all the loose ends. He explains why he did what he did, how exactly he changes stuff into zombies, and he even clarifies Benjen’s situation!

Wouldn’t you wanna see THIS onscreen?

And while that’s happening, Tormund Giantsbane finally bones down with Brienne! She still gets it on with Jaime, but not before she & Tormund engage in some milkplay, just like everyone demanded and just as befits her character in my authoritative opinion.

Bran watches, as a raven.

Secondly, I treat Daenerys much better! In my version, Tyrion, Varys, and Jon all have a secret meeting in the empty obsidian mines beneath Dragonstone. And this time, everyone is skeptical until Varys lists off every time Dany was ever callous, cruel, or caprcious. They’re all accompanied by relevant clips from throughout the series, so the scene takes half an hour but it’s worth it!

It’s all laid out in a row, because obviously people forgot she was a killer!

And then, they’re like “Oh wow, she’s been pretty vicious all along,” and arrest Dany, and put her in a special jail for holding Targaryens. In the finale, she breaks out, with the help of Drogon, and shouts, “You haven’t seen the last of me! I shall return…to BURN!” It’s a great setup for a sequel, plus nobody has to see her logical character progression play out, which was way too upsetting. You’re welcome, King’s Landing!

And of course Tyrion, Varys, and Jon have a big threeway on the map of Westeros. Varys uses Faceless Men magic to have a big ol’ fake-o, which makes up for the TV show’s total lack of payoff re: magic. Lazy oversight, HBO!

Bran also watches that one as a raven.

Finally, my version also fixes Cersei. She fights Arya, and the Hound, and Jon Snow, all at once! And everyone wins, which sounds illogical, but actually works super good and is way better than anything David & David could ever dream of.

Now THAT’S satisfying!

And my series ends with a big farewell scene, where we see all our favorite characters! Even the dead ones, like Ned and Bobby B and Hodor and Olenna “Sassy Grandma” Tyrell! And they wave at the camera, saying “What a great Game of Thrones that was! Thanks for playing, Frankie Griffen! We’re glad you wrote this! Hoooodor!”

Then they all get it on, in a massive orgy, while Bran watches as a raven.

ROLL CREDITS.

Anyway, I hope HBO is reading this. I’ll await my offer to helm the reboot. Better not drag your feet though, I’m about to fix Star Wars next!