EU are refusing to negotiate, complains Michael Gove after three years of EU negotiations

Michael Gove has complained that the EU is refusing to negotiate on Brexit simply because they’ve already spent years doing so and actually agreed on a deal with the British Prime Minister.

The Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – which embarrassingly for Britain is not just a thing but a relatively senior Government position – is appalled at the refusal of the EU to keep doing what they’ve done quite intensively since the summer of 2016.

Gove is understandably terrified of a no-deal Brexit because he is responsible for the country’s no-deal planning and has absolutely no idea what he’s doing.

“How dare they be so bloody-minded as to raise reasonable concerns about the Irish border,” he said.

“To refuse to negotiate just because we have no workable counter-proposal to the unacceptable backstop – this sort of bully boy tactic is exactly why we’re doing the right thing by leaving.”

Michel Barnier clarified the EU’s position.

“We would be happy to talk but the British bring nothing to the table,” he said.

“In fact, they have smashed the table up and are now demanding that we fix it with our own hammer and nails.

“If the UK buys a new table then we can talk. We will even help put it together if it’s one of those Ikea things.

“But the British need to go to the store – I don’t see why we should have to navigate that awful one-way system.

“You must forgive the extended table metaphor but it’s been a very long three years.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!