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CHESTERFIELD, MO – Deeply sighing after stepping off the main hospital elevators for yet another strenuous four hour shift of inpatient dermatologic consultations, local dermatologist Dr. Mark Patterson said the EMERGENCY button on the hospital elevators is a constant reminder of his self-perceived worthlessness and utter lack of importance when it comes to acute patient care.

“I don’t think I’m asking for a lot here,” explained Dr. Patterson, who takes one day per week away from his arduous Monday-Wednesday-Friday, 9 am-4 pm private practice schedule to do inpatient consultations at a local hospital. “It would just be nice to feel needed every once and a while. Seems like every other doctor in this hospital is being paged here and there, STAT this or ‘rush’ that. It’s like, hello, aren’t I important, too?”

Dr. Patterson went on to explain that the once seemingly-enticing relaxed lifestyle of a dermatologist had now manifested into a near constant need for validation of his significance and essentially as a member of the inpatient medical team.

“Not everything can be done on an outpatient basis, you know. I can think of at least four things off the top of my head right now, and that’s keeping in mind I only got eight-and-a-half hours of sleep last night,” said the well-groomed and healthy-appearing 38-year-old, as he wiped a thick layer of dust off of his hospital pager.

At press time, an attempt was made to contact Dr. Patterson for clarification regarding a few of his aforementioned statements, but his secretary informed us that we would need to come in for an appointment at his office sometime next month for that, and be sure to bring our $40 co-pay.