By now you've seen the headlines -- Ebola is an exotic African disease that kills in a spectacular way (sometimes by making you bleed out of every orifice) and it has come to America. But before you get out your Bane-style air mask and Ebola hammer, you just might want to consider a few reasoned points. Namely, that this is all royal bullshit:

WARNING: ANY OF YOU COULD DIE, AT ANY MOMENT. That's because you're a mortal being; that's how it works. But you're not going to die from Ebola.

5 You'd Have to Go Out of Your Way to Get It (and Would Still Probably Fail)

Go ahead and Google "how to avoid getting Ebola" and see what pops up. Chances are you'll stumble upon the CDC's Q&A outlining such life-changing preventative measures as "washing your hands" and "not touching corpses and bats."

saurabh24/iStock/Getty Images

Or corpses of bats, you sick weirdo.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Ebola is becoming the airplane disaster of contagions. The shock-and-awe value makes for television waves as huge and terrifying as tsunamis, but as infrequent as ... well ... tsunamis ... only way slower. If Ebola, measles, the common cold, and Spanish flu went toe-to-toe to see which spread the fastest, guess who wouldn't end up standing on the podium. The fucker isn't even airborne -- you could actually give a handjob to an Ebola victim and would probably live to tell about it so long as you washed your hands afterward.