The Universally Electable Vice-Presidential Candidate

As an African-American Hispanic Jewish Catholic woman who experimented with homosexuality in her early twenties but ultimately married a Libertarian congressman from a key swing state, I am honored to accept both the Republican and Democratic nominations for Vice President!

The more jaded among you may believe my running mates picked me to bring in votes from women, minorities, LGBTQs, the left, the right, the religious right, and the Hebrews. That couldn’t be further from the truth. They asked me to run because people are ready for an administration that will unite all of our diametrically opposed nation. They know that your contradictory values are my contradictory values.

I have conveniently personal experience with either side of every divisive issue facing our democracy today, including immigration reform. My mother, a proud Jewish African-American, lost her college waitressing job to my father, who is a staunchly Catholic, staunchly undocumented immigrant from Mexico City. What other candidate can say that lax border security led to her family’s financial hardship and her conception?

Most elected officials spend their entire careers focused on their home states. I, on the other hand, was born on a cross-country flight from California to New York. The doctors say I took my first breath at the exact midpoint between the purple mountain majesties and the amber waves of grain. The only home state I’ve ever known is America.

Like other political figures before me, there is controversy surrounding my birth certificate. Yes, being delivered directly above the fruited plain, which straddles the Central and Eastern time zones, gives me two birthdays: December 31st, 1979, and January 1st, 1980. All that does is make me a Generation-Xer who works long hours and a YOLO-oriented millennial who spends the same number of hours on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, Reddit, Twitter, Vine, and, yes, even Google Plus.

Before continuing, I’d like to take a brief moment to talk about my husband, since he made my delightfully high-polling family possible. We met as students at a prestigious politically neutral law school. The two of us got into a heated argument when I suggested pro-life and pro-choice aren’t mutually exclusive positions. He said, “You’re crazy, and that’s coming from a Libertarian.” I asked him, “Why does a librarian need a law degree anyway?” I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, I am funny for a woman. I wish I could grab a beer with me, too.

Supreme Court Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia officiated our wedding that summer. A year later, we had a beautiful set of mixed-gender twins. We knew that we had even more love to give, so we adopted an orphan from an unknown Asian or Pacific Island nation. I guess you can say we now have 2.5 children, which, coincidentally, is the average for American families according to the most recent census.

I have heard many questions about our religious beliefs, and rightfully so. Allow me to explain. We practice both Catholicism and Judaism in equal measure. That’s a pretty holy weekend if you know what I mean! In all seriousness, when we have a crisis of faiths, like if the 7th night of Chanukah falls on Christmas Eve, I seek the counsel of our rabbi, our priest, and Tim, my agnostic spiritual advisor and campaign manager.

Oh, the rumors are true, in an effort to gain the foreign policy chops necessary to deal with our enemies abroad, I’m raising my daughter as a Russian Muslim.

To those voters who doubt my leadership abilities, I believe my diverse professional background proves that I am uniquely qualified to help run this republic. I’m CEO of a multinational pharmaceutical conglomerate, I operate an Etsy shop that sells locally mass-produced forks, and I just so happen to be the Governor of Vermont. That means I know how to manage a publicly traded company, how to make ends meet as a small business owner in the 21st century, and how to bolster an economy that’s too reliant on a single product. What I did for Vermont and maple syrup, I will do for America and the military industrial complex.

I stand before you as the vice-presidential candidate on both tickets and I promise that we will harmonize this land of liberty! We will restore her greatness through a transparently opaque government, loosely literal interpretations of the constitution, changing conservatively, and progressively staying exactly the same!

Thank you, Gracias, Shalom, and Ni-Hao.

May God, Adonai, Allah, and Black and White Jesus bless these United States of America!