By Laurence Langan

Yeah, I bet you wanted optimism for your new year. Well, tough cookie. Sure as anything, they’ll be plenty of great films out this year, and there’s plenty of places on the internet where you can find excited previews of said movies. But they’ll also be plenty of stinkers. So come, wallow with me in my jaded, bitter outlook on 2016 like the cultural elitists we are.

1. How To Be Single

I wasn’t really aware we needed another obnoxious, crass sex comedy with people running around getting drunk and hooking up. Apparently, I was wrong.

It’ll be the usual parade of improvised, pop culture infused one liners about sex and some really unfunny situations of awkwardness and, you know, getting drunk and stuff. Watch in the trailer for the cutaways to the club where people are dancing and yelling. These moments, placed oh so subtly in between the trailer telling you what the story is, reassure you that there will be moments in da club, thank god. Maybe they’ll even throw in a funny dance scene. That’ll be enriching.

And if you’re thinking that this’ll be a great feminist work about how it’s ok to be single and women can just do whatever they want without judgement, I guarantee you that doe eyed innocent Dakota Johnson will catch two dicks, maximum before ending up in a nice, hetero-normative relationship by the end, proving (like last year’s bafflingly popular Trainwreck) that being single and sleeping around is fine, as long as you don’t do it too much and that in the end it’s important we all accept the mainstream, traditional way is best and if you don’t agree you’re probably damaged or weird or just in a phase or something.

Not put off yet? How about some rules, like guys buy all the drinks, and girls pay for it through being sex objects. Or that men and women can’t be friends because if you get drunk enough, you’ll fuck for sure! Pay for things by flashing your tits because old men are just pervs who’ll do anything for a bit of skin!

And are we still doing the whole New York City is a magical place of wonderment and youth and dreams and unicorns thing? I thought that went out with Sex and the City.

And before you tell me to relax and say it’s just going to be a bit of fun or a date movie or something and I should climb down from my ivory tower, let me tell you, I am Mr Fun! I’ve got this seventies sci-fi movie I got for my birthday, it’s meant to be a classic and really weird and…oh. You’ve all gone.

2. Fifty Shades of Black

Hey do you remember Scary Movie? Remember how funny it was? Have you watched it recently? No? That’s because every single one of the Wayans fronted parody films are utter dog shit.

These days, those often criticised parody films are low budget, straight to Netflix fare. I guess this one is trying to bring them back to the big screen, because the film makers just hate cinema for some reason. If you’ve forgotten, the jokes go like this:

Copy a scene from a popular movie, word for word Take the scene one step further with a moment of gross out humour/celebrity/tone deaf slapstick violence/racial comedy that’s not really ok/all of the above Wait for the joke to slide down the audience’s soul like a paste made from cold, wet teabags. And now the payoff: an awkward, polite chuckle from the audience as they internally count every second that they have to sit through this. Job done. Make sure you check the joke for any actual satire before you screen it and expunge accordingly.

Now it’s happening again but with 50 Shades of Grey. Marlon Wayans is Mr Black, and he’s black. Have I mentioned he’s black? He throws up gang signs and talks all gangsta and stuff. God, black people are funny aren’t they? I love the way they say those black things. They’re so funny. They love white women and hip hop. They love big bootys too. Did you hear that? I said big booty! Just like a black person would. Wow. What an evening of entertainment.

3. Gods Not Dead 2

The majority of Christians live a peaceful, productive existence with a belief system that gives them strength and stability. Unfortunately, some Christians still act like they’re being thrown to the lions, even though they’re the most dominant belief in the western world.

The first God’s Not Dead film chronicled one brave student standing up to a bigoted atheist professor who demanded his students agree with him that ‘God is dead’ in order to pass his class. It was a mish mash of strawmen, misunderstood science and the occasional moment of disturbing xenophobia.

Now they’re back, and with even more celebrity cameos! This time, a Christian school teacher (Melissa Joan Hart) says a verse from The Bible during a class on pacifism and is quickly taken to court for…something.

The trailer boldly claims that believers are ‘at war’ and promises, like the first film, that this will be a call to arms. Expect other platitudes like ‘take a stand’ and ‘answer the call’. It’s usually either something to do with calling or something to do with standing.

These movies are not really designed to be watched by anyone on the fence; it’s clearly made for people who already feel like their way of life is under assault from liberals and atheists everywhere. Of course, the truth is that nothing’s changed in the fundamental parts of practicing your faith in the past few decades. More and more from these kinds of films I get the sense that the target audience are really just unhappy that you can wear a short skirt, openly be an atheist without repercussions, openly be gay without repercussions, say a rude word on T.V, get an abortion, get contraception or any number of things that aren’t any of their business, but they just make them feel icky and they want an excuse to have a go at them.

There’s a debate to be had about the political/spiritual leanings of movies and whether that should affect the way you judge them. This is clear, though: God’s Not Dead 2 isn’t interested in debate, or exposing an important issue. It’s more interested in living in the weird victim fantasy/bubble world that some of the Christian right encase themselves in, preach to the converted and roll around in their own superiority feces for a while. Just like I do on my blog, then. It probably won’t hit our shores for a little while, but expect a brief burst of controversy hitting your news feed if it makes as much money as the last one did.

4. X-Men: Apocalypse

Superhero sequels have gotten so amazingly beige that now whenever they start talking about “this is an enemy we’ve never faced” or “it’s the end” I just sort of roll my eyes and say “Yeah, but that’s what you said last time”.

The X-men films have completely spun out of focus. They’ve turned from excellent, thought provoking sci-fi into dodgy spin offs and rushed, patchy, popcorn sludge. The continuity and rules of the universe are so abstract and meaningless at this point they might as well not bother. Oh that’s what they did in Days of Future Past? Great.

Well, in that case, what they need to do next is go smaller, have something slower and more in tune with what makes X-Men great. Oh, the next villain is the one that just sort of has all the powers? Like, all of them? Right. So it’s going to be unwieldy, nonsensical and generally meaningless in the ever expanding waterfall of bland that is the modern superhero film. Something isn’t epic if you see it almost every summer, and anyway last I checked we already had an end of the world looking X-Men film: The last one!

How can they get away with this? Because they know no one really cares. No one liked The Last Stand so why bother explaining Professor X being alive or Magneto having his powers back? Ditto for The Wolverine and the fact Logan has his adamantium again by Days of Future Past.

Not up on your X-Men sequels? Wikipedia-ing a bit just to understand the last few paragraphs? Don’t worry. The film makers are half expecting that. They just dig into the Marvel comic archives, fish out the next villain, assemble the usual suspects on a conveyor belt, Wolverine calls someone ‘bub’, the fan base wets itself and everyone knocks off early.

5. Zootopia/Secret Life of Pets/Storks

Ok, I just think making animated movies about talking animals is a little regressive. The jokes are either going to be “that thing that <insert animal here> do but they said it in English so, lol!” or “wow, an <insert animal here> would never do that! Lol!” Last year, Inside Out talked about memory and emotional health. They told a story that was fresh and original and had a message for kids that you don’t have to be happy all the time, feelings are complicated and life isn’t black and white.

This year we’re getting Marlon Brando moles and a cat that eats too much. Great. Oh and babies are cute. Did you know babies are cute? Just checking.

It’s all so formulaic and trite. I bet you in about five minutes, you’ll have worked out the basic plot of each film. And guess what? Kids are going to do that too! They can see plot formulas sharper than a lot of adults!

Do your kids really need to see these films? Do you really need to see these films? And if you do see all three, are you going to be able to distinguish which bits came from what film by December?

Here’s a handy guide: If it’s going to be something to do with getting along because we’re all different, then it’s Zootopia. If it’s something inane about babies, then it’s Storks. If it’s about how life is hard, but we all belong where we belong and don’t change it CONFORM CONFORM CONFORM, it’s Secret Life of Pets.

No, I’m not in my ivory tower again, I just…

***

So, 2016. I expect most of the same mistakes as 2015 and some slow progress towards er…progress. And another Star Wars film. No, I don’t care about that either. And I’ve lost you again.

“I sense great arrogance in you…about animated films…for some reason…”

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