The Queen is scheduled to give her annual Christmas address on December 25th, despite the numerous royal dramas this year, not least Prince Andrew’s ties to pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

However, due to the absolute ‘fuck up’ this year has been, the Queen will not be delivering a prepared speech. She will instead be smoking, and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels in silence. This is expected to last around half an hour, or until the Queen finishes her bottle of Jack, whichever comes first.

The Queen was offered a speech, but told her writers there was ‘no polishing this turd’ and ‘There’s no way I can do a speech without addressing the nonce-y elephant in the room’.

The royal speechwriter was relieved by this announcement, as he was allegedly having trouble composing an uplifting speech to be delivered by a woman whose son is currently being investigated for underage sex crimes.

He told reporters that he had worried that the constant attacks on Meghan Markle would make the speech difficult, but the Prince Andrew allegations were a ‘whole other level’ of creative hurdles.

“It’s like playing a fiddle while rome burns. Except in this case Rome is a member of the royal family, and instead of burning he’s being accused of pedophilia.”

Jack Daniels will be employing a half price Xmas sale, so that viewers at home can drink along with her Royal Highness in a show of solidarity for the utter shitshow that was 2019.