I finally bought a proper iPod, the kind that has a screen and comes with a jar of faux-hawk cream.

I already had an iPod shuffle, but I never felt I truly belonged to the International Order of Dancing Silhouettes. It's one of the first-generation shuffles, the white ones that look like pill cases for hipster septuagenarians, and being a White Shuffler among iPod fans is like showing up at a biker bar with a Harley Hog Cookie Jar under your arm. It doesn't have the intended effect.



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But I'm videoblogging now, so I can say in all truthfulness that I bought my new iPod classic for business reasons. I can see what my videos look like in the wild, I use it as a portable hard drive, and I find "One Night in Bangkok" to be creatively inspiring.

I feel a little odd about buying anything labeled classic, though. In marketing, classic is a way of making timidity and obstinacy sound cutting-edge. You're on the avant-garde forefront of resisting change! You hated anything new before hating anything new was trendy!

Nonetheless, classic is what I paid for and classic is what I got. And once the final shiny plastic brick had been mortared into place, immuring me into Steve Jobs' media prison (cf. Poe, "The Cask of Cupertino"), I decided it was time to get serious about iTunes.

I, like many people, have employed iTunes' Party Shuffle feature to mixed results. It lulls you into complacency, and just when you're getting into the groove, it screws with you. Let's have a quiet string quartet followed by one of Trent Reznor's crankier works! And then whale song! Hey, did you know you have the Free to Be ... You and Me soundtrack? Let's treat you to a few minutes of Alan Alda singing about estrogen, and then it's time for the Star Trek sound effects!

Party Shuffle is dangerous, unless you like throwing parties where the attendees get to listen to the sex-chat MP3 you downloaded eight months ago and forgot about.

I also looked into Smart Playlists. Some people get really intense about these things, creating multiple nested playlists that can automatically select songs based on criteria like "Punk songs from the 1940s," "Children's songs by Kraftwerk" and "Music I've already listened to today." I wanted this power for myself.

Most guides to Smart Playlists suggest you start by rating your own music. This makes me uncomfortable. Telling myself how much I like the music I chose and bought seems a little narcissistic. Normally I'm so self-absorbed that if you hug me hard you're likely to get ego all over your sweater, but this is a bit much even for me. I feel as self-obsessed as a teenage ouroboros on Twitter.

Rating my music does not make me feel good about myself. Beethoven? Eh, three stars. I mean, his music is OK when you're trying to read or sleep or die, but he doesn't really do it for me. On the other hand, there's "I Do the Rock." Tim Curry singing about Linda Ronstadt and Jimmy Carter? A song for the ages! Five stars!

Worse yet, people connected to my iTunes library can see my ratings, so my girlfriend, household visitors and random people at WiFi-enabled cafes all know of my shameful love of Frente.

The reward for my hard work and mental anguish is somewhat better playlists. I can filter out music I hate along with spoken-word and sound-effects material, but I'm a bit disappointed.

I want useful playlists. I want "Tori Amos songs that make a damn lick of sense." I want "Beck songs where the rhythm track doesn't sound like he's throwing Ben Wa balls at an armadillo." I want "Nick Cave songs that aren't explicitly about bleeding to death."

Clearly, amassing this sort of data will require some sort of global network of like-minded individuals, all working for the greater good. Steve Jobs is already halfway to creating a hive mind, and I say it's time he finished the job.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to get his kicks above the waistline, Sunshine.

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