Will Noble

Asking People To Move Down Inside The Carriage 'Impossible Without Sounding Like Entitled Tw*t', Experts Confirm

The seemingly simple task of politely asking your fellow commuters to move down inside the tube carriage is impossible, without sounding like a gold-plated twat, experts have confirmed.

During six months of intensive research, behavioural experts at a well-known London university tried out thousands of scenarios, in which they asked commuters on rush hour trains 'if they wouldn't mind shuffling down a little', 'if they could please scooch up a tad' and, in one instance, 'if they could seriously move the f**k down the f**king carriage — I'm currently squeezing myself into three f**king centimetres squared of carbon f**king dioxide here.'

"In every one of these 3,472 scenarios, they ended up sounding like an entitled twat," says head of research, Professor Ridge, concluding "we found the only option was to lean up against the doors, and have everyone think you're a twat for doing that instead."