Recently, I was having drinks with some girlfriends and we got on to the topic of sex, specifically oral sex, and even more specifically, the expression "eating her out." My friend Alex loves oral sex (and I quote, "It makes me feel like a princess"), but is especially horrified when it is referred to as "eating out." And I get it. The names we've developed to refer to some of our most intimate acts could use a serious revision. So my friends and I have come up with the following list of 8 Names for Sexy Stuff We'd Rather Not Name:

"Eating Out"

This made my friend Alex think of "a pig at a trough," which is not the image I want girls to think of as my head dips below her belly-button (I want them to think of a capable astronaut, leading a pleasure expedition to the planet Clito). While "oral sex," "going down," and "la mange" are all acceptable, I'd like to suggest the following. New name: Treasure hunt(ing), or Scavenger Hunt (if he's no good).

"Come"

I actually don't mind this one, and neither did most of my friends at the table. My friend May didn't like it because it sounds "so porno." I find this ironic, because the only reason May knows this is because she watches so much porn. But I digress. I can't think of a new name for "come" that works as both a noun and a verb and is not completely inappropriate ("awesome sauce" was a contender), so I'm sticking with the original, with a suggested new name of Finish, with the suggested alternative of Go/Went/Gone.

"Boner"

"Boner" is what boys get when we are 8 and we don't even know what it is for. The girls and I agreed we need something a little more mature, but less clinical than "erection," and less vulgar than "rod," or "hammer." May and I have both always been fans of "c*ck," but Alex thinks that that word intones a certain size and weight. New name: It.

"Queef"

Rosemary took a look at this noisy phrase some time ago. The important thing about #4 isn't so much what we call it, though we all agree the name is just too despicable, it's that you become aware that guys really don't care about these. We totally understand that you want to go to the bathroom after to express yourself vaginally, but if it happens in bed be aware that it couldn't matter less to us. New name: Hippo Giggles.