The survey, which recorded the views of parents and educators of children ages 3-12 about kindness in children and in the world around them, revealed that parents believe having good manners is more important for their children than being empathetic, considerate of others, or helpful. Even more puzzling, these findings did not vary significantly by the age of the child. Can it truly be more important to parents that children say, “I’m sorry,” “please,” and, “thank you” — and use the correct salad fork — than it is for children to connect deeply with others’ feelings?

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Much has been written on empathy and its significance. A meta-analysis of empathy in college students, combining the findings of many studies, showed the trait has been on the decline since the late 1970s. For a great summary of this field of research, I recommend “Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential —and Endangered” by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz.

But if empathy is such a critical skill, why do parents consider manners to be more important? There may be several explanations. One, it could be that the meaning of the word is unclear. To confirm this theory, we did some informal follow-up research, asking parents to define empathy. What we found was that many parents confused empathy with sympathy. Perhaps they hear the question as, “Which is more important: manners or feeling sorry for people?” If this is a widespread misunderstanding, we must take steps to correct it and figure out how to explain this very important concept.

Another possible reason is that parents think their children are too young to truly feel empathetic toward others and that manners will lay the groundwork, eventually leading to empathy. While I have yet to find proof that polite behaviors motivate empathy, there is some evidence that bullies are often skilled at being polite and using good manners — when it suits them. They have mastered the social skills that mask their behavior, allowing them to navigate the world often undetected by people in authority. If their interpretation of our question leads respondents to decide that politeness and manners are prerequisites for empathy, that is a call for further research: Are these seemingly “surface” social behaviors really necessary precursors to deeper empathy?

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A final — and most obvious — rationale is that many parents simply have value systems that favor politeness and manners over empathy, perhaps interpreting these qualities as having respect for authority. However, empathy and manners are not mutually exclusive concepts, and parents who place greater value on the latter undoubtedly also want their children to be good people who care about others. The difference is surely not in their intent; rather, it is in the way empathy is expressed and manifests itself in their daily interactions with their children.

The first two interpretations of the findings likely have easier solutions than the third. We can teach the definition of empathy. National campaigns and education efforts can be designed to explain its meaning and importance. The same goes for education that helps parents see that there are age-appropriate ways to instill empathy in their children that go beyond making sure children are polite and have manners.

Addressing disparate value systems is more complicated but, in fact, may exemplify the very essence of empathy: understanding and embracing each other’s differences. The tricky part will be talking to parents about how empathy can be cultivated and expressed in ways that, in fact, reinforce having good manners.

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In full disclosure, I take the responsibility for creating a question that may have indeed forced an unfair decision. I suppose it was because I think so fondly of Oscar the Grouch and Cookie Monster. Neither is very polite (Cookie Monster has notoriously terrible table manners), but both are incredibly empathetic. The fact that these two are among the most relatable and beloved characters in the near 50-year history of “Sesame Street” — among both children and adults — suggests that we do all have our priorities straight. We just don’t know it yet.

Jennifer Kotler Clarke is vice president of research and evaluation at Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit organization that produces “Sesame Street.” You can find her on Twitter @grovergirl72.

