I’m supposed to be on vacation right now. I’m in a nice boutique hotel with my mother that’s right across the street from the beach, and I don’t have to pay for a single thing, because this entire trip is part of my thirtieth birthday present.

But even though this is a vacation, and I know I’m supposed to relax, I just can’t.

I can’t stop thinking about everything. How I’m 30 years old now and I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing that I wanted to do in my 20s. How I’m stuck in a job that I used to love that had took a sour turn and I feel like I’m being worked to the bone. And how I want to write for a living, but I don’t even know how to begin or if I’d even be good at it!

I even tried a float spa and ended up having a panic attack halfway through and I had to get out and look at pictures of corgis to calm myself down. And I was still so nervous afterwards that when the girl asked me “How was it?” with her sweet and expectant face, I lied. I don’t even know why I did it – I just told her that I fell asleep about halfway through.

“Isn’t that the best,” she said with a satisfied smile on on her face.

“Yeeeeeeah” I said, feeling like a total piece of shit.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCKITY FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???!

Why can’t I simply enjoy things? Why can’t I relax in a float spa or even a simple silent meditation without running through the mental list of all the things going wrong in my life? Why can’t I simply just enjoy my life? Is it really that difficult of a concept?

Because, and correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t think that it is for some people.

There was this guy that came out after me and my mom and when asked how his float was, he waxed poetic about how life changing his float was and I just sat there, eating pretzels, and screaming internally.

There are people. Out there. Who can relax. And enjoy life?

HOW?!

Maybe I’ll figure out the answer one day. But right now I’m just beyond frustrated and I just want to sleep for the next 12 or so hours.

Now It’s Your Turn: Are you one of those people? Are you somehow able to relax and enjoy your life as it comes? Or are you more like me and a constant ball of nerves who doesn’t get the people that actually enjoy meditating, float spas, or anything where you are required to ‘shut your brain off and not think’?