Despite having written for the Internet the last four years, I've never been particularly tech-savy, so you might think I'm unqualified to write a column comparing Dell's computer repair customer service to Apple's. But this is no tech-head review. Instead, I'm only reporting the events of my last week when a perfect storm of mishaps combined to break both my Dell laptop and Mac PowerBook. The timing was especially cruel as I'd just fired up my Twitter account and now my ability to recount my glorious life in real time was more limited (jumping into the void with opportunistic greed was my co-columnist Dan O'Brien, selfishly sucking up all the twitciples he could find while I was away. You're welcome, Dan!). Anyway, here's my story...

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Dell PC

The Breaking

I bought my Studio Dell laptop halfway through the run of Hate By NumbersÃÂ¢ÃÂÃÂ¢ and I gotta tell you, it started falling apart instantly. The screws came out, converting the the cheap plastic casing into a snap trap for my arm hair. Nevertheless, because I am a professional (and because I now no longer have any arm hair) I kept using it. Shortly thereafter though, the hinges gave way and the screen got all wobbly. Still, I remained undeterred until last week when the computer suddenly stopped charging. I decided to remedy all these problems at once. I knew that meant I might be without my laptop for a few weeks, but I still had my Mac. What could go wrong?

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The Call To Customer Service

I called Dell's 800 number and was instantly directed to India. Apparently, Dell has found a way to make money off of America's racism and/or xenophobia because now --for an additional fee-- you also have the option of being connected to a customer service technician "right here in America" (I think this ploy will be more successful than the automated message they had first considered: "If you hate talking to brown people, push '1'"). Anyway, because I love people of all races and creeds and because there was no way I was paying Dell one more cent for their crap laptop, I opted to hold for an Indian technician. I was greeted by a "Raj" who filled my head with Slumdog Millionaire images. (no, Raj was not gouging out a singing boy's eyes with a spoon. I meant the tech support scene.) Raj quickly displayed his near-perfect English and startling systematic diagnostic prowess: