

BOONE, NC– Following the passing of House Bill 2 in North Carolina, many Appalachian State students, both transgender and not, have announced plans to begin relieving themselves wherever they please.

Due to the massive outbreak of civil and bowel unrest in the transgender population, Sanford Mall and a multitude of other public spaces around campus have become popular places to drop a hot one. Expectedly, the overwhelming smell of urine and fecal excrement has detracted from most people’s happy little lives as they play frisbee and walk their dogs on Sanford Mall on a sunny afternoon.

“I was just minding my business,” said student Johnny Nelson. “I was walking on Rivers Street and all of a sudden this person stops walking and starts shitting all over the ground. It was pretty alarming to say the least.”

In order to promote cultural and social diversity amongst all students, Chancellor Everts and the university have decided to adopt an ‘ignorance is bliss’ policy in regards to the students who choose to relieve themselves in public.

“With the rectification of House Bill 2, Appalachian State University vows to support all of its students,” said Everts. “We hope that students will continue to respect each other as they poo all over our beautiful campus.”

Sophomore Stacy Dennings said that while not an ideal solution to House Bill 2, transgender students defecating wherever they please is a step in the right direction.



“Just the recognition from the administration that we have been suffering for too long under this new law is a victory in itself,” said Dennings. “I mean, real bathrooms would be nice, but at least I don’t have to shit into my hands anymore.”