GADSDEN, ALABAMA (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after his stunning defeat in Alabama’s special U.S. Senate election, the Republican candidate, Roy Moore, told reporters that he was planning to cheer himself up by “heading to the mall.”

“If people think they’ve seen the last of Roy Moore, they are sorely mistaken,” a visibly devastated Moore said. “I’m going to get back up, dust myself off, and head on over to the good ol’ Gadsden Mall.”

But Moore’s plans for a rejuvenating return to his former stomping grounds hit a snag upon his arrival at the mall, where he found an impromptu victory party for the Democrat, Doug Jones, in full swing.

Adding insult to injury, security guards who recognized Moore from his mall-prowling days nabbed the disgraced Republican and hurled him from the premises.

In Washington, one of Moore’s staunchest supporters, Donald J. Trump, excoriated the voters of Alabama for their decision. “It’s a sad day for America when people believe women,” he said.