Photo by Brian Sutter

Neon Trees at Ballpark Village

See also: Ten Rules of Mosh Pit Etiquette

As an unquestionably short person, I'm used to doling out this kind of guerrilla justice to the tall people who frequently ruin my experience at standing-room-only shows. It takes a lot of practice to know exactly when to kick someone who is much larger and drunker than you, but tall people have not done much to engender much kindness from their fellow vertically challenged music fans. Which means that I sometimes have to kick them.

Being short at concerts also means that I will have to jockey my way to the front or side of the crowd if I want any chance of laying eyes on the actual musician on the actual stage. Inevitably, as soon as I've found a good spot, some Dirk Nowitzki look-alike will come and stand directly in front of me, then start dancing. Every. Single. Time.

At a measly 5'1", the best I can hope for is that his erratic movements will occasionally draw him out of my direct line of sight to the artist. Occasionally that happens, and other times, I'm forced to watch the back of some random dude's head while the band performs. It is not great, and it doesn't exactly foster a friendly environment at shows. Put simply, your height is giving me a bad attitude, tall people.

Tall people are rude at shows in different ways than frat boys or a group of fortysomething moms who have been over-served at the bar. But they're often still rude, even if they can't help it. Whenever they get too into a stripped-down cover of "Stay With Me," that beer they're waving around in the air is going to end up directly in my face. When they put up their hands in the air in an attempt at looking like true players, good luck not taking a flailing arm or poorly timed handclap to the face.

Which is exactly why tall people need to get their acts together and stop being jerks at concerts. I can't keep kicking people forever (not without consequences), and it would be nice to think that the people that I'm seeing a show with actually give a damn about being polite. No one is suggesting that you have to look like you're protected by the Lollipop Guild with a sea of people who are barely tall enough to ride the Screamin' Eagle in front of you. But it would still be cool if you occasionally asked the shorter person behind you if they'd like to step in front to have a better chance of actually seeing the show.

And, sure, maybe you won't be able to be fourteen inches from your favorite band member's sweating face, but letting a short person stand in front of you is concert karma (koncert karma™, if we're going to be savvy about things here), which means that you will someday be rewarded for your good deeds with a private show by the resurrected Beatles. Or something.

At the very least, I'll promise to stop kicking you in the calves if you promise to stop planting your upper torso directly in front of my view of the artist that we both paid to see. Or, you know, hitting me in the boobs.

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