WASHINGTON—Saying the effects were almost immediate and largely unavoidable, the National Institute of Food and Agriculture released a report Tuesday linking red meat to contentedly patting one’s belly. “Our data show a strong, statistically significant correlation between consuming servings of red meat and pushing back one’s chair, letting out a satisfied sigh, and gently patting or rubbing one’s abdomen with either one or both hands,” said lead researcher Elliott Hyde, who explained that eating cuts of beef, pork, or lamb was also found to cause acute sereneness and glazing-over of the eyes. “Subjects who ate steaks, burgers, roasts, or chops were also 80 percent more susceptible than non-meat-eaters to groaning happily at audible volumes, and were particularly at risk of uttering vocalizations that contained the phrases ‘Oh, yeah,’ ‘Mmm,’ and ‘That was good.’” The report further revealed that the consumption of processed meats, such as bacon and sausage, was linked to a 100 percent chance of seconds.

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