We, the Hard-Working, Newly Homeschooling Parents of America, Have Rewritten the Common Core Standards

Domain 1: Snack Time

Grades K-5

1-A. Students will learn not to ask for a snack every five minutes, or in the thirty minutes directly following a full meal.

1-B. Students will learn the elements of a healthy snack, and in particular, that consuming one’s body weight in goldfish crackers is not a healthy choice.

Grades 6-8

2-A. Students will learn to get their own damned snacks.

2-B. Students will learn that consuming every edible item in this house within the first day of home confinement is not compatible with sustaining life in this house.

Grades 9-12

3-A. Students will learn to make a mean bowl of Rice Krispies.

3-B. Students will learn that you cannot cook a hot dog in a toaster.

3-C. Students will learn to hunt and process squirrels for food.

Domain 2: Screen Time

Grades K-5

1-A. Students will learn that screen time is the only time during the blessed day when the grown-ups caring for them can get some peace.

1-B. Students will learn to solve computer problems on their own, rather than yelling for a grown-up. This is called “inquiry-based learning.”

Grades 6-8

2-A. Students will learn that their parents do not want to know what a “TikTok” is, nor do they want to see your “TikTok,” but it had better be appropriate.

2-B. Students will learn that the threat of loss of screen time is now entirely empty, as no grown-up is willing to deal with the catastrophic consequences of being stuck in the house with a bored, screen-less child.

Grades 9-12

3-A. Students will learn how to mute themselves in a Zoom class so that no one can hear them learning to burp the alphabet.

3-B. Students will learn how to replace the video feed of themselves in a Zoom class with a pre-recorded video of themselves looking attentive so that they can learn to burp the alphabet in peace.

3-C. Students will learn that that awesome video of them doing The Renegade is now sufficient to win them acceptance at any online university, including all the Ivy League schools.

Domain 3: Study Skills & Learning Habits

Grades K-5

1-A. Students will learn that sliding off of their chairs into a sobbing heap on the ground will bring every lesson to a quick end, especially if they are shrieking, “MY TEACHER DOESN’T DO IT LIKE THAT!” as they crumple.

1-B. Students will learn that their parents did not learn math very well, and it is up to them to teach their parents how to solve basic equations using anything other than the standard algorithm. Students will also learn that if they ask their parents to explain why the standard algorithm works, they can waste at least an hour of “learning” time while their parents frantically google things like “What is math?” and “How do numbers work?”

Grades 6-8

2-A. Students will learn that they can fool their parents into thinking that they don’t understand the online lessons at all, and that they, therefore, need to watch each lesson repeatedly, which really means watching YouTube videos on compelling topics such as taking things out of boxes, creating the perfect cat eye, and how to straight-pipe your Toyota Supra.

2-B. Students will learn the most ergonomic and effective posture for online work: scootch way down until your feet are on the coffee table, your butt is hanging off the edge of the couch, and you are basically sitting on your neck.

Grades 9-12

3-A. Students will learn that their parents do not remember anything they learned in high school. Not a single thing.

3-B. Students will learn that teenagers really do function better when they can sleep until 3 PM.

3-C. Students will learn that the SATs might not matter as much as we thought they did.

Domain 4: Content

Grades K-5

1-A. Students will learn Anatomy 101, as the weeks drag on and every member of the family begins to take a decidedly laissez-faire approach to wearing clothes.

1-B. Students will learn to read the instructions on a microwave bag of popcorn, gain a rudimentary understanding of physics after the popcorn explodes in the microwave, and learn the difference between 3 minutes and 30 minutes, especially when measured in popcorn cooking time.

Grades 6-8

2-A. Students will learn the principles of decay, decomposition, and mycology, as the piles of discarded food and old clothes in their rooms begin to sprout mushrooms.

2-B. Students will learn whatever they damned well please.

Grades 9-12

3-A. Students will learn that Romeo and Juliet had it easy, because they only had to contend with an inter-family feud, and not the cancellation of prom, or the indefinite postponement of “going to the next level,” which their significant other definitely gave affirmative consent for, via text, last week.

3-B. Students will learn the basics of psychology as they (loudly) analyze each of their family members’ most annoying habits.

3-C. Students will learn exactly how irritating, boring, aggravating, and absurd it can be to live through history. They will also learn that attendance in History IRL is mandatory.