Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions? He was found guilty yesterday and today, we finally have some clarity on why he did it and how his victim found out.

First off, the discovery of the crime. The first time it happened, MKL's coworker (identified only as "Tiffany G") unknowingly took a swig and tasted what she "believed" to be semen but wasn't sure. “I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said. The second time she decided to test her theory. After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she "asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work." After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was.

Just to be sure, Tiffany sent the bottle MKL had left for her to a lab to be tested, the results of which confirmed her hunch and ultimately got Mike convicted of assault and battery. Why did he do it? Well he found Tiffany to be quite the attractive woman. He wanted to get close to her but 1) he figured a hot chick like her would never go for a guy like him and 2) he was married so he decided this would be the next best thing.

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it...It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives.

Did he actually want her to, you know, drink it? Of course not. What do you take him for, some sick, maladjusted fuck?

“Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

Only the water bottle knows.

Man Found Guilty In Semen Assault Case [IP]