Ah, Scary Movie 5 , where to begin...When it was first announced that Anna Faris wouldn't be coming back to star in the latest Scary Movie, my expectations went from low to lower. I was never a huge fan of the series, but they were never offensively unfunny, especially with names like Faris, Marlon Wayans, Cheri Oteri, David Cross and Tim Curry attached.

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Best case scenario, Scary Movie 5 was a chance to reboot the series and reclaim some of its dignity from the early 2000s. Unfortunately, that isn't the case here. At all. (Seriously. (For real.))Also, if you were hoping to see some big comeback from Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan in this movie, you can forget it. First off, if those two "actors" are your reason for seeing any movie, then shame on you. Second, their screen time lasts all of three minutes at the top of the flick. If you've seen the trailer, you've seen their whole schtick -- save for one clownish "sex" sequence accompanied by the Benny Hill theme. (That alone should clue you in to type of comedy we're dealing with here.)No, in this installment, we follow Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex, who, throughout the course of the film, mimic scenes from horror pics like Paranormal Activity, Mama, Sinister and Evil Dead -- but, you know, with fart jokes and stuff. There's also an odd smattering of Inception and Rise of the Planet of the Apes in this -- because why not?Then of course you have cameos from the likes of Snoop Dogg (Lion?), Katt Williams, Terry Crews, Jerry O'Connell, Sarah Hyland, Katrina Bowden, Kate Walsh, Usher, Heather Locklear and Mike Tyson -- none of which elevate their dumb, one-note gags. In fact, the only cameo that's even worth mentioning is Molly Shannon, who briefly ignites the screen as a cigarette-smoking, martini-chugging Winona Ryder from Black Swan.In terms of comedy, Scary Movie 5 is painfully flat, stupid and vulgar, as well as moderately racist. To say this script was written by monkeys would be an insult to all those monkeys in a room with typewriters. Shannon aside, I can't even think of one time I actually chuckled.

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Of course, the inherent problem with spoof movies is that, by the time they hit theaters, they're already hopelessly out of date. The best example of this is Scary Movie 5's sendup of Paranormal Activity, which, along with Mama, carries the central arc of the film. Not only did the first Paranormal Activity come out almost six years ago, but another similar pic, A Haunted House, beat this movie to the punch three months ago.Even with the film's lampooning of Evil Dead, which came out just last week, all the writers really had to work with was the trailer, which as you might expect is hardly the basis for sharp satire.If it isn't obvious already, I'll spell it out for you:. In fact, I'd recommend seeing literally any other movie in theaters right now: 42, To the Wonder, Disconnect -- hell, go see Evil Dead again, it doesn't matter. Just avoid Scary Movie 5 at all costs. Unless you were that group of sixth-graders I saw sneak into my theater after buying Croods tickets, I don't think anyone will enjoy this film. And if by some cruel twist of fate you find yourself in a theater watching Simon Rex bang his schlong between two cooking pots, just don't say I didn't warn you.