By Reader Request: Mallory Reviews The Ninety-Five Theses, Part I

You ask, I deliver, guys. That’s how this works.

Out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions will be discussed at Wittenberg, under the presidency of the Reverend Father Martin Luther, Master of Arts and of Sacred Theology, and Lecturer in Ordinary on the same at that place. Wherefore he requests that those who are unable to be present and debate orally with us, may do so by letter.

Man loves the truth, wants to talk about it with dudes who can’t be in Wittenberg at the time. Got it. Solid.

In the Name our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

1. Our Lord and Master Jesus Christ, when He said Poenitentiam agite, willed that the whole life of believers should be repentance. (Mt 4:17)

“When Christ said repent, he meant we should repent.” Unassailable. I bet that is what he meant when he said repent! I’m tracking so far.

2. This word cannot be understood to mean sacramental penance, i.e., confession and satisfaction, which is administered by the priests.

He’s got you there, priest dudes! At the time there were not priests, so Jesus could not have meant priests. He’s just pointing out the truth!

3. Yet it means not inward repentance only; nay, there is no inward repentance which does not outwardly work divers mortifications of the flesh.

You feel a certain way, you’re gonna act a certain way. YEP. I also like how old-timey guys used to spell “divers” with just one “e.” I don’t know why. I just like it.

4. The penalty of sin, therefore, continues so long as hatred of self continues; for this is the true inward repentance, and continues until our entrance into the kingdom of heaven.

Can’t repent before you’ve repented! That is just straight-up how time works. Catholic church, things are NOT looking good for you at the moment.

5. The pope does not intend to remit, and cannot remit any penalties other than those which he has imposed either by his own authority or by that of the Canons.

checks out

6. The pope cannot remit any guilt, except by declaring that it has been remitted by God and by assenting to God’s remission; though, to be sure, he may grant remission in cases reserved to his judgment. If his right to grant remission in such cases were despised, the guilt would remain entirely unforgiven.

sounds solid

7. God remits guilt to no one whom He does not, at the same time, humble in all things and bring into subjection to His vicar, the priest.

honestly can’t argue with this one

8. The penitential canons are imposed only on the living, and, according to them, nothing should be imposed on the dying.

I forget what a penitential canon is

9. Therefore the Holy Spirit in the pope is kind to us, because in his decrees he always makes exception of the article of death and of necessity.

This sounds like it might be sarcastic, I honestly can’t tell

10. Ignorant and wicked are the doings of those priests who, in the case of the dying, reserve canonical penances for purgatory.

Honestly I too am anti-indulgence, gonna take a bold stance in 20 and 16 and say I’m against ’em, quit selling ’em!

11. This changing of the canonical penalty to the penalty of purgatory is quite evidently one of the tares that were sown while the bishops slept. (Mt 13:25)

OOOOOH

12. In former times the canonical penalties were imposed not after, but before absolution, as tests of true contrition.

lost me again, sorry

13. The dying are freed by death from all penalties; they are already dead to canonical rules, and have a right to be released from them.

Death is like declaring church-based bankruptcy, I’m into it

14. The imperfect health, that is to say, the imperfect love, of the dying brings with it, of necessity, great fear; and the smaller the love, the greater is the fear.

“EVERYTHING IS TERRIFYING” I GET YOU MARTIN

15. This fear and horror is sufficient of itself alone (to say nothing of other things) to constitute the penalty of purgatory, since it is very near to the horror of despair.

“If you are scared enough you go straight to Heaven” THIS IS AN ESCHATOLOGY I CAN GET BEHIND