President of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro has given the United States 72 hours to get their diplomats out of the country. This comes on the heels of many countries supporting Juan Guaidó as the interim President of Venezuela. The sudden hostilities by Maduro have led some to speculate that armed conflict with the United States is not that far away.

We polled several members of the United States military on what they thought of the possibility of invading and fighting in Venezuela.

“Well you know, we probably won’t really have to worry too much about Venezuela and what it’s like fighting there. As long as our normal 5-star hotels in Puerto Rico are open, we should be fine.” -Anonymous Air Force Bomber Pilot

“We heard the beaches there are quite nice but even better is the fact that the entire country isn’t one big beach.” Stated one Marine who was excited to break out his woodland camouflage utilities for once.

A 25-year-old platoon commander who looked 56, from the Army was the only dissenting voice, “You know in Iraq and Afghanistan, the women aren’t allowed to show off their beauty so the men don’t chase them around. However, in Venezuela, the story is entirely different. Now I have to fight a war and worry about my men trying to find a war bride. I don’t get paid enough for this shit!”

The Navy didn’t seem to phased by it with a majority of the sailors stating that “I mean…the ocean all looks like the ocean man, there’s no real uh…distinguishing features so, it’s kind of the same for us no matter what.”

While the Air Force and the Navy expect no radical changes, commanders in both the Army and Marine Corps have stepped up their Powerpoint presentations on what STDs can do to your dangle. While the men were grossed out, we expect that none of them will change their behavior should they be afforded the privilege of liberty in the capital city of Caracas.

Know what we're sayin fam?







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