So I want to do better. I want to write about ghosts in The Sims 4, but before that I want to devise the most efficient, foolproof, engine of sim death that I can. And I need your help to do it.

Naturally I've wanted to take the newly added ghosts out for a spin. So did a friend of mine, who streamed her attempts to kill a sim version of herself so that she could become a super cool ghost. After catching on fire (and surviving) at some point her sim just spontaneously transformed into an urn full of ashes -- no drama, no tragedy, and no Reaper. She got what she wanted (to become a ghost member of her old household) but it was rather anti-climactic, as if the game was saying "You want this sim dead that badly? Fine."

On October 1st a new patch launched for The Sims 4, and with it came the first of several planned free content additions to the game. Ghosts (which become playable sims when they join a household) along with a set of Star Wars themed costumes were added, with more long-lamented features like pools promised in similar patches in the future, rather than the paid expansions they were expected to come in. It's a pleasant surprise, and a welcome gesture of goodwill towards a community that often feels used .

First, a small disclaimer:

I should say in my defense that I am not generally some sort of Sims-torturing monster, no matter what the title of this article (or its contents) may lead you to believe. While reading about what lengths others have gone to to force their sims into the great beyond can be pretty entertaining, it's not an activity I typically partake in when I'm playing any Sims game for myself. Once, when The Sims 3 was still fairly young, I created a femme fatale whose garage slowly and surely became a terrifying ghost prison for all the unsuspecting strangers that came to visit. But, you know, other than that one horrible thing I generally just like playing happy sims living happy lives with happy families and happy pets and happy neighbours and so on.

In all seriousness, it's natural to want to test the limits of a simulation, and in The Sims' case actions that are absolutely monstrous when you put them on paper can be a big part of that.

So, let's get to the (highly disturbing) heart of the matter:

Imagine if you will a beautiful park, frequented by many locals. In the center of the part there is a wall with a fireplace on it. This feature has been surrounded by a mysterious cage of chairs, all facing outward. There is a narrow space to navigate between the wall/fireplace and the chairs. In that space will be a sim, constantly lighting and extinguishing the fireplace.

This is not performance art (though I did add that mantle clock purely for metaphorical flourish). My plan so far is to take advantage of multiple threats to a sim's wellbeing. Since it is slightly harder to "accidentally" kill a sim than it has been in the past, the more threats that can be layered on top of each other, the higher the chance of... Well, I sure don't want to call it "success," but you know what I mean. The fireplace is obvious enough, providing a chance to ignite the sim. In this case, it's also important that there not be a ceiling above, which will allow a fire alarm on the lot to spawn a sprinkler overhead. As for the chairs, while walls would keep our sim inside they wouldn't allow others to see or interact with them directly. Sims can, however, interact with each other over furniture items, and chairs in particular will encourage passersby on this public lot to come sit. All those onlookers will in turn increase our sim's chances of dying from embarrassment. Finally, allowing no source of food means that if all else fails, all we'll need to do is wait out the clock.

So far, what I have is a terrifying yet still fairly inefficient mousetrap compared to the ladderless pools of the past. There are many other ways to die in The Sims 4, but I'm at a loss when it comes to combining as many of them as possible without cancelling others out. Ovens are an additional source of fire, but they can't be used without fridges, and fridges are a source of food that would negate starvation. A broken sink could provide water to cause electrocution with equally broken electronics, but could also limit the threat of fire.

It's a tricky balancing act, and that's why I need your help.

Leave your suggestions for how to perfect this horrible sim-ending contraption in the comments below. I'll report back next week with the results, which are guaranteed be haunting in more ways than one.

Janine Hawkins (@bleatingheart on Twitter, Iris Ophelia in Second Life) has been writing about virtual worlds and video games for nearly a decade, and has had her work featured on Paste, Kotaku, Jezebel and The Mary Sue.