Reformed Church Under Investigation For Secretly Baptizing Visitors' Babies

ALPINE HILLS, CA—Christ United Reformed Church is currently under investigation, authorities confirmed, after it was discovered that church nursery workers were instructed to baptize all visitors’ babies in secret, without informing or notifying the infants’ parents.

After parents had dropped off their children with nursery personnel, an elder would emerge from a secret adjacent room where he had been hiding and quickly perform a baptism ceremony, security footage obtained by investigators showed.

Police were tipped off after a Baptist couple who was just visiting the church discovered their child’s hair was “conspicuously wet” when picking her back up after the service.

“We advise all parents to keep an eye on their kids when visiting any church in a Presbyterian or Reformed denomination,” lead investigator Carl Snow told reporters. “In addition, be aware of all nearby water sources. Even a small cup of water can be enough for a Reformed reverend to snag your baby and force a baptism on him or her.”

The investigatory panel assigned to the case also advised any Baptist visitors to Reformed churches should be aware of any distractions the church may attempt in order to divert attention away from one’s child, such as a potluck or a free Left Behind book giveaway.

“If it sound too good to be true, it probably is,” Snow said. “Keep your kids close and be on the lookout for any Presbyterian funny business.”

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