Late-night hosts responded to the college admissions scandal and Nancy Pelosi’s on-the-record comments against impeaching Donald Trump.

Trevor Noah

The celebrity college admissions scandal dominated headlines yesterday, and late-night hosts offered their own hot takes on what Trevor Noah termed “Bribegate Scandalgate”.

To recap, on Tuesday morning, federal prosecutors in Boston unveiled their criminal complaint against a wide-reaching college admissions fraud, in which parents – including actors Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin – paid upwards of hundreds of thousands of dollars to guarantee their kids a spot at schools such as Yale, the University of Texas and the University of Southern California.

Bribin’ Aunt Becky, Robotic Mitt Romney & “No Impeachment” Nancy: pic.twitter.com/ZJBWozpTaq — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 13, 2019

The full details of the scam, such as how ringleader Rick Winters doctored photos to get clients into college for sports they didn’t play, are wild. But ultimately, Noah joked on The Daily Show, “this story is so infuriating because rich kids should have to get into college the old-fashioned way: by their parents donating a library”.

“This is a huge story right now, and not just because of the possible crimes committed, but also because of everything it says about how privileged people get ahead in a country that’s supposed to be about merit and hard work,” Noah said. “And I wish we had more time to talk about this, but we don’t, because there’s another spoiled brat who’s in a place where he’s not supposed to be,” he added over a photo of Trump.

Indeed, the college scandal did nothing to staunch the partisan news pouring out of Washington on Tuesday, such as House speaker Nancy Pelosi’s assertion to reporters that she’s opposed to impeaching Donald Trump because it “divides the country” and “he’s just not worth it”.

“Wow, he’s just not worth it?” Noah admired. “Either Nancy Pelosi has gone soft or this is brilliant reverse psychology. Because you know Trump is going to hear that and be like: ‘How dare you, I’m totally worth impeaching!’”

Stephen Colbert

One silver lining in the cheating scandal, Stephen Colbert acknowledged on the Late Show, is that as of now, “Donald Trump is not involved. It’s sort of refreshing, in a horrible way.

“You know how conspiracy theorists say: ‘Everything is rigged for the wealthy and famous?’” he posed. “Well as a wealthy and famous person, let me just respond by saying,” he shrugged, switching into a tone of faux sheepishness, “you’re absolutely right.”

The federal prosecutor in the case characterized the fraudulent scheme – parents who paid Singer to fix their child’s test scores or bribe college coaches and administrators wrote off the money as charitable donations – as “a catalogue of wealth and privilege”.

“A catalogue of wealth and privilege,” Colbert mused. “I get that once a month from Anthropologie.”

In other news, Colbert also addressed Pelosi’s comments recommending against impeachment, and reached the same conclusion as Noah. “OK, that’s clearly reverse psychology,” he said, slipping into Trump’s voice. “Nuh-uh, I am worth it, Nancy. For the good of our nation, you must impeach me now.”

It’s a politician at work, he observed, “using a little rhetorical technique we call ‘duck season/wabbit season’.”

Jimmy Kimmel

Over in Los Angeles, where Felicity Huffman was arrested for her role in the college admissions fraud scandal (she allegedly paid $15,000 for a bribed SAT administrator to doctor her daughter’s test score), Jimmy Kimmel also addressed the scandal.

“It was a nationwide scam with connections to the Boston area – and I have to say, I knew there was a reason Matt Damon got into Harvard,” he said, referring to his long-running fake feud with the actor.

The scam “is a major deal because until this, you know, it was nearly impossible for wealthy parents to get their kids into college”, he deadpanned.

Of course, someone from the Trump family had to weigh in on a Hollywood controversy, and Donald Trump Jr tweeted shots at Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. “As if he got into college because of his grades,” Kimmel joked, noting that Trump’s father donated $100,000 to his alma mater, the University of Pennsylvania, during Donald Trump Jr’s freshman year.

Kimmel was unsurprised by Donald Trump Jr’s comments. “A story like this, it’s manna from heaven for the folks from Fox News – liberal celebrities, sneaking their kids into college. It’s like a vacation from having to cover for the president.”