BOCA RATON, FL—Succumbing to its inherent lash-based nature by releasing its hostility on innocent microorganisms, an aggressive flagellate was observed just going around its shared petri dish Thursday whipping other single-celled organisms. “I was just suspended in solution here—just like any other day—minding my own business and trying to undergo binary fission and reproduce, when this fucking asshole drifts up and starts smacking everyone with its flagellum,” a unicellular Closterium told authorities, claiming that even larger tardigrades were becoming agitated beyond the point of mere Brownian motion by the rude flagellate’s habit of striking out wildly and attacking others for no apparent reason. “And I have to say, it really stings when the flagellum hits you, especially when you’ve got just the one cell to protect yourself. Thank God I’ll only be alive for a few more hours of this.” At press time, all unicellular organisms in the area have resumed their peaceful routines upon learning that an amoeboid protozoan has “taught the flagellate a lesson” by engulfing and digesting it.

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