Training through an increasingly dark and chilly fall is always a challenge, but generally momentum propels me through Thanksgiving. This past fall, I just couldn’t. I’d get home from work and look at my bike and just sigh. That little thrust of mental energy it usually takes to start a training session just wasn’t there anymore. So I stopped. I just stopped riding my bike. I ran a little. I did a little yoga. I socialized after work without guilt. I cooked and I laid down on the couch and I made an effort not to feel bad about not getting up. (I also finished the cyclocross season! And the races were fun! I just didn’t train for them.)

This sort of burnout happens to me in some form every year, though never for this long. I usually race through mid-December, and don’t start really training seriously again until the end of January. I’ve been telling myself for years that this was me “taking a real break.” Four to six weeks off, rather than the two my coach would like. After this full month off, I am always worried I won’t be ready for spring road racing, but then end up with my best road results in March and early April.

This time is different. Six weeks off has come and gone. It’s been three months since I stopped training, and I still have no desire to consider a structured workout. In mid-December—when I first started a draft of this post and then abandoned it because it was too depressing—I thought I might quit bikes entirely. I took up running. I’ve resisted my team’s efforts to get me to set goals or commit to races for the upcoming season. I went to California for nine days, only rode my bike once, and didn’t even feel bad about it.

This kind of burnout is new for me, but I am determined not to let it break me. After all, I have so many bikes. They take up way too much of my apartment space for me to consider quitting. Selling them off? Could take years. Not to mention I only have bike friends anymore. My social life depends on me beating the burnout. I’ve decided to wait it out. Maybe until March, maybe until May. My bikes will be here when my motivation returns from its vacation.