Nine reasons I’m voting Tory even though I’m Scottish – and I can make you Tory too 1. A sensible approach to welfare The welfare bill ballooned under Labour in an attempt to buy votes and prop […]

1. A sensible approach to welfare

The welfare bill ballooned under Labour in an attempt to buy votes and prop up the economy. As well as being unsustainable, this created a culture of indolence and dependence on benefits – bad for the economy and bad for society.

‘Liberals bleat that only 0.4 per cent of benefit claims are fraudulent. I must have known every single one of them, then‘

Liberals bleat that only 0.4 per cent of benefit claims are fraudulent. I must have known every single one of those 0.4 per cent, because growing up in Scotland half the people I knew were fiddling their benefits. And it’s not punishing the vulnerable – directly contradicting the stereotypes about uncaring Tories, poverty in the elderly recently fell to its lowest level since records began.

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2. Champions of equality

Other parties pay lip service to feminism, but the Tories have given us two female Prime Ministers. Corbyn’s cabinet had the gender balance of a 1970s miners’ union until public opinion forced him to make some token female appointments. The Tories legalised gay marriage and in Ruth Davidson they have a dynamic Scottish leader who happens to be gay. And most Tory MPs are former public schoolboys, so have eaten more semen-covered digestive biscuits than you’ve had hot dinners!

3. Economic stability

The economy has performed better under Tory governments, and the Tories have reined in Labour’s splurge on borrowing and spending. This is important because in the long run, public services need to be self-sustaining from tax receipts – so if you care about the NHS or the welfare system, you need to know the money will be there to fund them.

Corbyn has openly pledged to increase borrowing again, turning Britain into Greece with worse weather. He’s also a fan of quantitative easing – but instead of printing money to stimulate the economy when absolutely necessary, he wants to use it to prop up spending. This will at least stimulate wheelbarrow manufacturers as everyone will need one to carry their hyperinflated life savings to the shop to buy a loaf of bread.

Labour plan to introduce rent controls that will lead to illegal subletting and choke off investment in new housing, and a maximum wage will ensure that high earners move overseas. We’re more likely to end up like Zimbabwe – but again, with much worse weather.

4. It’ll annoy virtue signalling Facebook socialists

If your social media feed is anything like mine, it’s a non-stop gush of odious self congratulatory lefty virtue signalling – whether it’s saying how much they hate bankers, Katie Hopkins or capitalism, these people never tire of finding ways to tell everyone on Facebook how good they are. And one thing all these pious Facebook heroes profess to hate is the Tories. By voting Tory you’ll get to enjoy them crying about it on Facebook (although they’re probably secretly voting Tory too).

5. World credibility

You can say what you like about Theresa May, but she’s a strong, charismatic, stylish leader who can hold her own (and tiny hands) with Trump or Merkel.

If Jeremy Corbyn turned up to the G8 they’d probably think he was there to take the bins out.Britain’s pre-eminence on the world stage wouldn’t be helped by having a Prime Minister who’s a dishevelled dullard sporting elbow patches on tweed last seen on an Open University broadcast about trout farming.

6. Tories can deal with Brexit

Brexit was when Britain got drunk and accidentally unfriended Europe on Facebook. It was Cameron’s fault, a gamble too far from the pudding-faced chancer. But Corbyn was to blame too – a longtime Europhobe, his lacklustre campaiging cost the Remain camp the 1 per cent they needed to win.

Hard nosed Theresa May is the person to navigate us through the tricky waters of negotiating the complex trade and custom agreements. Even if Corbyn cared about things like trade, he’s far too soft to fight our corner.

7. Foreign policy

UK intervention in the Middle East hasn’t been an untrammeled success under the Tories, but it’s certainly been an improvement on the Blair government’s disastrous foray in Iraq. The Tories have tried where possible to support the Arab Spring’s progressive democratic uprisings, most successfully in Tunisia where democracy is now flourishing. And Operation Shader, our military campaign against ISIS in Syria, has recorded no civilian casualties.

8. Tough on terror

Tory Prime Minister John Major started the peace effort with the IRA, leading to an end to Irish terror on British soil. But the IRA had defined and achievable political aims – today’s terror threat comes from Isis, who have slightly less allowable aims such as “destroy the West”, “death to all infidels” and “strictly no bacon”.

Corbyn has in the past called Islamic fundamentalist groups such as Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” (though later said he regretted his wording) and has been paid to appear on Iranian state TV, giving credibility to a regime that supports terrorists and executes teenage homosexuals. The Tories on the other hand take a hard line with terror groups and are pushing through necessary legislation to monitor the internet. Some people worry that this will intrude on personal freedoms, but counter-terror agents really don’t care that you masturbate to granny porn.

‘Thatcher closed the coal mines because she cared about you – she wanted you to have a well paid job titting about on Facebook in an office’

9. Commitment to nuclear power

Nuclear power has a bad reputation due to its association with cancer, insanely powerful bombs and giant mutated lizards devouring Japanese cities. But it’s actually the safest source of electricity – only around ten people die every year from nuclear power, compared to a million from coal (mainly due to air pollution). The Tories are committed to nuclear power. Corbyn wants to get rid of it.

Leo Kearse: I Can Make You Tory runs at the Gothic Room, Three Sisters, Edinburgh at 7:30 pm, 3 – 27 August. leokearse.com, @comedyLeo