As our moms had chivalrous gentleman who got them home before curfew and called after a date, we Millennials have the softboy. His more debaucherous friend, the fuckboy, has existed in different forms across generations — he's a man after sex and sex alone. But the softboy is new to the Millennial dating pool. The softboy wants sex with an emotional connection and chemistry. The softboy is a nice boy. He's sensitive, he spoons you while you sleep, and he listens to you. Above all, the softboy is a feminist. And he's part of a generation of men, now in their 20s, who grew up in a single-mom households after their parents — like half of all '80s couples — got divorced.

This generation is unique in that divorce rates peaked in the '80s (and most children of divorce mostly live with mom), so these are guys who grew up in houses where mom ruled all and women were in charge. Guys who know what women want, because, well, that's just how they were raised. Surely growing up as a young man in a matriarchal household has some effect on how that young man navigates relationships with women as he gets older?

According to Rachel Sussman, a relationship expert and counselor in New York City, it makes them better. "In my experience, for sure, if a man grows up in a single mom household, I really think those guys are more sensitive to women's needs," she told Cosmopolitan.com. "They have a lot of respect for their moms, and if it was a bad divorce, they don't want to be like their dads. They turn out to be better boyfriends and husbands."

Sussman can't speak to whether or not that's an affectation specific to millennial men, but just based on divorce rates, there's a pretty big overlap. "If you're a boy and were raised in the '50s, '60s, or '70s, and your mom didn't get a lot of respect, that would translate to how you treat your own girlfriend," she said. "If you were raised in the '80s or '90s, and you saw your mother stand up for herself, you'd treat your girlfriend [with respect]."

Women who've dated men who were born in the '80s and '90s, particularly men who were raised singularly by their moms, might be nodding along in agreement. Emily, 31, told me her husband, who never knew his father growing up, is definitely different from other men she dated before him. "[My husband] was raised by his mom and had five aunts who played a very special role in raising him as well, not to mention his grandmother, who he lived with through mid-high school," she said. "He's more respectful of women. He's compassionate, and kind. He's a better father because of his mother — he saw her work so hard all that time to protect and take care of him."

I'm not a female so I obviously can't understand what women go through, but I try to be as respectful as possible about different things.

Three men I spoke with, all born in the '90s and raised by single moms, see this extra compassion and respect for women in themselves, as well. Of course when I asked them if they think they're more sensitive, or better to women, because of it, they were reluctant to "pat themselves on the back" so blatantly. Like the good men they are. But with encouragement, they agreed with the hypothesis — growing up in a home where mom's in charge made them better equipped to be attentive boyfriends. "Not to sound like, 'Oh yeah, I'm so nice,' but yes, my girlfriends do say I tend to be nicer and more sensitive than other guys they know," said Nick, 19. "Most of my male friends, who grew up with both parents together, always made sexist and rude jokes. I never found myself actively trying to do that type of stuff."

While Nick maintained a relationship with his dad while he was growing up, he said he's just always felt closer with his mom. So when he was having "girl problems," or wanted to talk about switching majors in college, he went to his mom. "Being raised by a single-mom exposes you to all of the hardships women go through, from bosses nagging her to do tedious assignments to contractors clearly trying to overcharge," he said. "I'm not a female so I obviously can't understand what women go through, but I try to be as respectful as possible about different things. I've found that I enjoy hanging out with girls more now too."

Kevin, 23, mirrored the same sentiment, and told me that watching his mom raise him and his brothers all by herself gave him a unique respect for not just single moms, but all women. "I got to see the very real and monumental struggles that a single mother goes through, it definitely made me appreciate women more, in general," he said. "It's also completely shaped me into the kind of partner I've been and will be in the future. I see relationships as long-term investments, rather than as a vessel to satisfy lust or just a fling, for the sake of having one."

But there's a downside to being more sensitive and respectful. Kevin said that among his peers, it's made things sort of difficult. Millennials are supposed to crave hookups, not boring old love, and that's just not what Kevin's interested in. "It's definitely made dating harder," he said. "There was a time with this one girl I liked where things were getting pretty hot and heavy on my bed, and she stopped and said, 'If we do this, you need to know that I really don't want a relationship, I'm just really into you.' It was pretty lame because I had assumed that we both wanted to actually be together."

Jonathan, 23, told me he's been thinking a lot lately about how growing up "in a broken family" affected him — and he thinks it may have made dating more challenging for him too. But Jonathan does think that spending all that time with just his mom worked on his mindset in a sort of subliminal way. Since he was always with her, he figured out how to treat her with respect without necessarily watching a dad serve as a model figure. "That carried over to my everyday relationships with women I've dated," he said.

Is divorce actually creating wondermen, equally equipped to buy tampons at the store as they are to make sure you orgasm every time?

So then could the key to locking down a good man be finding one who grew up in a home without a patriarch? Despite all the concern that divorce is breeding a culture of loveless sex and people who would rather die alone than marry the wrong person, is it actually creating wondermen, equally equipped to buy tampons at the store as they are to make sure you orgasm every time? (Jonathan said he's "always made it a point to provide the pleasure as much as receive it.")

Obviously not. And there's something very problematic with the notion that men might need to witness the hard work of a single mother to understand that women are people, too. Sussman warned that in some cases, being doted upon too heavily by mom — single or not — can create something nobody likes. "If your mom spoils you or overly compliments you," she said, "you're just breeding a narcissist."

Maybe that's where we get the #blessed Millennial content blog trope of the fuckboy and softboy. They're men who grew up with single moms, empathize with the struggles of femininity, are total feminist allies, but really cannot handle being told no, especially not in bed, especially not by a woman.

If it's true that growing up with mom in charge does make for a better boyfriend, that says less about how great single-mom households are for sons of divorce, and more about how potent internalized masculinity really is — about how bad it is that growing up with a patriarch who instills that masculinity in you as a boy can make you unfit as a partner as you grow up. Anyone who has divorced parents certainly wouldn't wish the experience on anyone else. It's not exactly a crash course in functional, healthy relationships.

If anything, watching your parents fall apart is a good motivator to self-correct before you ever fuck up. If Dad was shitty to Mom, and Son had to clean up the mess, he's less likely to do the same to the women he dates. Whatever it is, the Millennial sons of divorce are getting divorced significantly less than their parents. (According to the New York Times, two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women, which means a lower divorce rate could reflect how happy women are with their partners.) Maybe they learned early respect for women. Or maybe they're choosing to grow up to be the people they wish their parents had been, or had been with.

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Hannah Smothers Hannah writes about health, sex, and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram

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