On August 10, the gravy vampire revealed that ESPN would not meet Papi's salary requests. ESPN's inaction will lead to more people cutting the cord, not knowing what to watch on television, and kill whales. The banana phone remains silent in these troubled times.

Congress, Americans call on you to make ESPN meet Papi's demands. Force ESPN to call 786-456-4837, or, if they're out of the area, 1-786-456-4837 (it looks the same as 786-456-4837, but you add the "1" in front to make it 1-786-456-4837, but add the 1 only if you're in the area. Wait, no, my bad, from the top. Call 786-456-4837 if you're in the area, dial 1-786-456-4837 if you're out of the area. Rash em) and publicly apologize to America for not meeting Papi's demands. ESPN should be ashamed of themselves for not calling yet.