(I’m going to see “Insidious: The Last Key.” I’ve purposely planned to go in the middle of a weekday a few weeks after it’s opened so I can avoid dealing with obnoxious teenagers. When I buy my ticket, I’m so far the only one seeing the film. I get some popcorn, wander to the theater, and take my seat. A while later, right as the final preview has finished and the movie is about to start, one other person walks in: a man who looks to be in his 50s. Out of the hundred-or-so empty seats, he sits literally right next to me. I’m a little annoyed, as the theater has assigned seating, so he purposely chose to sit directly next to the only other person in there, but I don’t want to say anything. I figure maybe he just frightens easily, so he wanted to be near someone else or something. Still, it’s making me a tiny bit uncomfortable. About ten minutes into the movie, I start to very quietly munch on a few pieces of my popcorn, and every time I take a bite, he lets out a soft, annoyed sigh, just loud enough for me to hear, like he’s angry I’m eating the popcorn I bought. About another ten minutes later, I slightly shuffle myself in my seat to get more comfortable, again very quietly, which results in him letting out a more pronounced, annoyed sigh. Finally, a while later, I lightly jolt when a jump-scare happens in the movie. The man stomps his feet down, stands up, turns to me, and bellows.)

Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me?! I came to see a movie, not listen to some kid who can’t control himself! Where the f*** is your mother?!”

(I literally don’t know how to respond, so I don’t say anything and stare at him dumbfounded. He stomps out of the theater, and returns with a manager a few minutes later, ranting and raving about how much of a “distraction” I am, and demanding I be kicked out. At this point I should mention that I’m a regular at the theater and am quite friendly with the staff, so the manager immediately recognizes me.)

Manager: “Sir, I’m sorry, but he’s a regular and I’ve never had an issue with him.”

Customer: “Why do you let kids into horror movies?! They can’t behave themselves!”

Me: “I’m 32, dude.”

Customer: “Ugh… but… but… He’s eating popcorn!”

Manager: “Yes, sir, but there’s no rule you can’t eat popcorn.”

Customer: “He’s moving constantly and jumping around like a lunatic!”

Manager: *turning to me, slightly amused* “Have you been moving a lot?”

Me: “I mean… I kind of jumped at one of the jump-scares?”

Manager: *turning back to the man* “Sir, it’s a horror movie. I’m not going to kick someone out for jumping at one of the jump-scares.”

Customer: “It’s unacceptable!”

Me: *royally peeved* “If you can’t deal with any noise, then why the h*** did you choose to sit next to the only other person in the theater?!”

Customer: “I don’t have to answer any of your questions! I want this piece of s*** out! Now!”

Manager: “Sir, you need to calm down. Do not swear at me or other guests.”

Customer: “I WANT HIM OUT NOW, YOU B****!”

(The manager disappeared while the man literally stood over me, smiling like he thought he’d won. A minute later, the manager arrived with security and I was treated to seeing the man get kicked out of the theater without a refund, screaming the entire time. At that point, I was too rattled and angry to stay. I ended up switching out my tickets and seeing the next showtime a few hours later. The manager attempted to give me a bunch of free passes, but I felt bad and said no since it wasn’t the theater’s fault. It blows my mind how crazy some people are.)