Healthy me

I’ve often wondered why people blog or write in diary’s/journals. It was something that I was never interested in doing. It’s not that my life hasn’t been interesting or full of challenges, quite the contrary. I suppose I just never felt compelled to put my life details into written words – until now.

I’m a 41 year old woman and four weeks ago, was diagnosed with in-operable, terminal lung cancer. This is my story and will be updated daily (when able) of my ensuing battle with it.

First things first and probably the MOST important thing of all. To use the old cliche, life is short and if you think this type of thing can’t happen to you, think again. I have lead a relatively healthy lifestyle all my life. I worked hard in my career, I raised my children in a good and loving home. I ate well, played sport from the age of five…but…I was a smoker. If you were anything like me, your thoughts on lung cancer would be about elderly people who probably were heavy chain smokers all their life. Wrong! The heaviest I ever smoked was a maximum of 20 a day. Other than what I’m inflicted with now, I’ve had no other health issues what so ever. My symptoms started two months ago which consisted of a very slight, annoying wheeze. After two weeks of that, my breathing began to shorten and was subsequently diagnosed with pnemonia. Two weeks later, after taking antibiotics and not responding to them, I had a CT scan which immediately not only showed the cancer in my left lung but also showed it had already spread to my liver. Not only do I have the worst cancer possible, I have the most aggressive form of it. Bottom line is this….I am dying and it cannot be stopped.

I’m not frightened of the treatments, I’m not even frightened of dying. What literally tears my heart out is watching those who love me, suffering. Something interesting to think about – my suffering will end eventually but theirs will live on for the rest of their lives as they try and deal with the loss of their mother, their daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. The next time you light up a cigarette, think about just who and how those around you would be affected if what’s happened to me, were to happen to you. Should you be so selfish? Is your addiction truly worth that?

This was my opening post. A harsh one but necessary. The coming posts will be daily events of my treatment and basically just updates on how I’m feeling in general.

23rd June, 2010

Today was my first of many chemo therapy treatments. It went for four hours and was rather daunting, to say the least. Daunting only because I was rushed in to start quickly and they didn’t have time to prepare me so I was bombarded with a lot of information. While I was in there, Tara and Chris went shopping and bought me some really cool hats for when I lose my hair. I loved them, even if I did cry when I tried one on. My kids have good taste 🙂

24th June, 2010

2nd treatment was today and this only lasted an hour. It was easy and I felt good when I got home. The terrible cough I had has almost gone and even my voice is coming back slowly. I still have one collapsed lung so difficult to walk more than 20 metres or so but I’m told that as the tumour shrinks away from my airway, that will ease. The nights are the hardest though as it’s then that I struggle to breathe the most. Chris made me a beautiful meal and I ate way too much. Needless to say, half an hour later, the meal was wasted. It still tasted good going down though…haha!

25th June, 2010

3rd day in a row for chemo and now a two week break…yay! Wow, what a week it’s been. In hospital Monday and Tuesday then chemo the next three days. It’ll be a nice break to allow my poor arms to heal from the needles. I have small veins and they are deep beneath my skin so having canulas put in is usually not an easy task and often they need a couple of go’s at it. The oncology clinic I attend is wonderful so, so far, so good. Nurses are so much better with needles than doctors.

After my treatment, Chris and I went shopping. One good thing is that I am still able to drive and chris is the best wheel chair pusher there is, even if he does push me up to the kids toys at my eye level and tell me to play LOL…the smart ass. Almost as bad as Tara bringing me a bag of bread around so that I can sit in my chair and feed the ducks. Cheeky shits. God, I love them sooooo much! And then there is my mum. The worst wheel chair pusher but a woman worth her weight in gold. I won’t mention just how much damn gold that would be. No doubt she’ll hit me for that comment when she reads this. I couldn’t put in words what she has done for me just in this short time, what she and others have sacrificed just to help. Sure, I would do the same for anyone else but it’s nice to acknowledge it, too.

So to sum up today, it was a good one.

26th June, 2010

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. It’s something I’m used to already but it’s annoying. It’s amazing the little things in life we take for granted. Little things as simple as a full nights sleep. I actually got excited 2 days ago because for the first time in, I can’t remember how long, I slept an entire night. Such small things seem to amuse me now. Like actually answering my phone myself because today my voice works. Feeling my heart melt from the smile I got from my grandaughter, Mackenzie (3 yrs) when I told her how pretty she looks after putting hair clips in her hair, or laughing my ass off only half hour ago when she screamed out to her Dad to come and see the big poo she’d just done in the toilet. Hearing the praise Chris gave her when he went to inspect the great job she’d done. Hearing my grandson, Anthony (6 yrs) talk about his football or school and quietly watching him, noticing how handsome he looks in his school uniform. Him wanting hot chocolate because it’s something special his nan makes him. And then looking at the parents of these kids, the parents being my kids, and feeling just so very very proud of them. Before going to bed last night, I was outside getting some fresh air and called Chris out to tell him I’m already losing my eyebrows. I tugged at a few and showed him. He laughed at me then did the same to his and said “Look Mum, I can do the same with mine” It was a silly thing but in that very moment, I just wanted to hug him so tight. I miss Tara but I’m so very proud of how hard she works and what she’s achieving in her life. It’s like a small part of her is doing that for me because she knows how much I want her to succeed and be happy. I cherish every text, phonecall and visit from her. I could go on and on about them and no doubt I will be boring those who read my blog with these details in the future but oh well, it’s my blog, so nerr 😛

Today Chris, Mackenzie and I went to visit Rachael (my sister) and had a really nice afternoon just talking, catching up and laughing. As tiring as it is, I’m trying to get out as much as I can. I mentioned earlier about taking small things for granted and today with Rach was a prime example. There was a time not so long ago that I would usually leave parties early or make excuses not to go for whatever reason. Today I didn’t want to go but I’d suddenly felt so tired and the pain was beginning to rise. I’ve lost my ability to choose what I do. The cancer now makes my life choices for me -but- I refuse to let it run my life entirely. It may win in the end but I won’t give it everything, especially not my spirit.

27th June, 2010

Today was a bit of a roller-coaster for me, physically and emotionally. It’s all a bit confusing. My cough seems to be returning and so is the wheeze yet it seems I’m able to take deeper breaths. The main cancer had wrapped around my left airway and crushed it closed, hence the reason why I only have one lung to breathe with. My specialist mentioned that the chemo would hopefully fix than in time. Perhaps that’s what’s happening, even if I do feel like crap today. Regardless, I’m taking the positive approach anyway.

So what did I do today? Well my nephew Tylar stayed over last night which was really nice. He’s a great kid with a huge heart to match. He’s almost 16yrs old, it’s hard to imagine. I remember the day my sister, Rachael, went into labour with him. Her water broke and all she was worried about was that it had run into her slipper (sorry Rach but it’s open slather for everyone here. All your embaressing moments will be displayed publicly for the world to see! I expect a cheque in the mail by close of business tomorrow LOL). A small example of just how special this kid is. It’s probably trivial to most people and again, just goes to show the little things we take for granted. Things that should be praised, acknowledged or at the very least, noticed. Tylar came to me earlier today with genuine concern because his younger brother, Codey, had lost his prized possesion….his phone. Codey is autistic and if anyone knows anything about autism, they would understand just how something so small is so traumatic for someone like Codey. The concern Tylar showed and how he was trying to figure out how to fix the problem was heartwrenching but in a good way. Again, the little things we take for granted. I wish I realised years ago just how important those little things are.

I’ve never been one who liked much attention. I suppose I would have been considered more the quiet achiever, always with the attitude “She’ll be right, mate”. Take the knocks, pick up and move on without a fuss. Regardless of what is going on with the recent changes, my life has been and still is, wonderful. I just see it in a new light now. We all have regrets. Each and every one of us has something they wished they did differently. Those who deny that are simply liars and need a reality check. The comments and well wishes I’ve had from family, friends and even complete strangers has been overwhelming. So much so that I truly am lost for words. I laugh, I cry, I’m simply astonished at the support and kind words from everyone. My intention for this blog was initially to get my message out about how such a devestating thing can happen to anyone and that NOW is the time to change. Already my sister and sister in law have given up smoking which means I’ve already succeeded. Rachael said to me only a few hours ago that she feels guilty that it took me getting cancer for her to do it. It often takes a kick in the ass like that for you to actually make the change. But so far, she’s done it. To say I’m proud would be an understatement.

I sat down here tonight with the intention of only writing a few words because today has been a bit rough. So much for that idea. My head spins with so much that I want to say about everyone but for now, it’s time for bed. Even though I’m fighting emotionally with this terrible disease, I still need to listen to my body and give it the best chance I can. Sleep seems like such a waste of time now. Time…..another thing we take for granted.

28th June, 2010

This morning I could have literally bounded out of bed, I felt so good. It’s a strange feeling to dread going to bed at night because that seems to be when I struggle the most. My routine consists of taking a pain killer half hour before I’m ready to sleep. Getting into bed and sitting upright waiting for my breathing to calm down enough to lay down. Stage one of my routine is done and then the coughing and vomiting would start. That’s stage two complete. Finally I can lay down and try and fall asleep, usually with limited success as I could only lay a certain way depending on how much pressure I was putting on my chest and stomach. Then of course my mind would start to wander thinking all kinds of things, stuff that no one wants to think about before falling asleep. After what would be a fitful night of tossing, turning, coughing, waking up, dozing on and off…finally the sun would rise and so would I, to more coughing, more thowing up. I know it all sounds gross and somewhat disgusting but that is the reality of it. Last night though was very different. I got into bed and sat there waiting, finally realising that I was breathing normally (as normal as I can with one lung but better than I have been). “Great” I thought so then laid down and automatically did so in the position I have most of my life. I felt nothing. No pressure, no pain. Taking full advantage of this I then closed my eyes and the next time they opened, it was daylight! I could hardly believe it. I made my own coffee, my own breakfast and even drove to the local shops on my own before Chris woke up (much to his horror. I got in big trouble for that one!) Today is the best I have felt in a very long time and although I’m having chemo, I can’t help but wonder if this positive mind thing really means something. Every day I am amazed at the support, words and responses I’m getting on here and facebook. Four people whom are close to me have given up smoking just because of this blog. Already it has gone beyond my expectations. I wish I had the words to show my appreciation for what each and every person says and does for me. It’s as though I have an army fighting right alongside with me now. That is more powerful and precious than anyone else could possibly understand. My heartfelt thank you to all of you!

Today Chris and I drove to my brother Shanes, factory unit. The latest mission now is to clean my little car up like new starting with a buff and polish which is where Shane came in. It was so relaxing and enjoyable just sitting there with him and Tammy, their three beautiful children drawing me pictures for the wall of artwork I’m building in my bedroom. The last three times Shane has seen me, he has kissed me hello and goodbye and today he even did it in front of people! Oh, the horror he must have felt having to do that *laughs*. There is something else I have achieved. I don’t even think he kisses our mother. I also got to see Tara, my daughter which just topped the day off nicely. Have I mentioned yet how proud I am of her? Yes, I have and I’ll keep saying it. She’s going through her own personal battles at the moment but her drive and determination is amazing. For those who doubt her, who judge her….you’ve no fucking clue just how big that girls heart really is. Shame on those who judge so selfishly. The truth is knowledge. Try finding it sometime because trust me, you’ll be a better person for it….or not. Unfortunately, some people are just born mean.

Anyway, there is something quick I wanted to share before going to bed. Haha, that’s funny. Nothing I write seems to be quick lately but oh well, I’m saying it anyway. Last night I was chatting to a friend online from Italy. Something he said had such a profound affect on me. We were discussing how young I was when I had my children (Tara at 15 and Chris at 18) and I told him I had never regretted a single time, having them so young. It then dawned on me just how lucky I am. Tara is now 26 and Chris is 24. I’ve raised them, watched them grow into adults and have their own children. All of their children know me, even Lilly who is only a year old will know and remember me as her nan. I’ve been stricken down with this terrible disease and I’m only 41 years old yet I have loved and lived and felt so much more than many who are much older. How could anyone possibly complain about that? Sure I’m angry and sad that I (probably….positive attitude, positive attitude) won’t get to see my grandkids reach their full potential but I can honestly say that I am truly grateful for what I have seen and been given. A few have said to me that there is no God. How can a so called God take someone like Allison? Well, just maybe there is because just maybe he set this path. My kids are my world, literally and totally. Look what they gave me. Maybe there was a reason for that.

29th June, 2010

I barely slept a wink last night. There was no pain and my breathing is getting better every day. I just, for some reason, could not drift off to sleep. Of course my mind began to race with all manner of thoughts. I lay there thinking constantly, crying now and then. It was cruel. As much as I hate them, I think tonight I will take a sleeping pill.

Now onto the good stuff. Even though I didn’t sleep, I had the most amazing day! I had a visit from two aunts from my fathers side whom I’ve not seen for years. Also, my mum and her sister (aunty Margie) and Tara came over. Chris was here of course but he locked himself away in the computer room when the formalities were over. Poor guy, can’t say I blame him. All those babbling women. I know secretly he loves it. I know he loves to see me happy, that’s a certainty. I could see it on his face after they all left and I told him just how much I enjoyed the day. The smile on his face said it all.

I just had to take a break from writing this after realising what a tattoo comment I’d read on facebook two hours ago, actually meant. I lost it in a big way. It’s the first time I have done that. I’m glad Chris was sleeping. I wanted to say more about the great day I had today but I think I’ll do that tomorrow now. It’s 1.05 am. I don’t think I’ll go to bed tonight.

30th June, 2010

So after my little ‘losing it’ episode of last night, I did go to bed and I slept ok. I read up again on side affects of chemo and as most know, the common ones are nausea and hair loss. There are many more which may or may not affect everyone as each person responds differently. It seems that even though I’m feeling quiet well still, I am having a few. The toxins in the chemo drugs do some strange things and there are many things that need to be done to try and minimize the impact of the side affects. One of them which is affecting me, is in my mouth. The drugs destroy the cells lining the mouth and it’s therefore quite common for mouth ulcers to form. So far, I have none but my gums and teeth are very sore. A constant dry throat is another. I have to rinse my mouth with bi carb soda (yuk) after every time I eat. Just trying to remember to do that is hard enough not to mention that the toxins now in my body from the chemo drugs are dangerous to those around me so hygene and protecting them is just as important. Vomit is the most dangerous. For a carer to clean that up or go near it they must wear a mask, glasses, double gloves and gown. I refuse to allow Chris to do that for me. I’m glad I’m well enough to do it myself. I’m also glad that I do it very rarely these days. So many things to remember. I thought I would share that bit of yukky information with you. Hey, you get the good with the bad and I think education is important, especially using words and explanations like this that are easy to understand and not so clinical. And then there are the drugs (pills) I take every day. Before I got sick, the pain of a headache would have to be unbearable before I’d even take a panadol. Now it seems I rattle when I walk. Probably the most alarming side affect I’m having now is that my cognitive ability seems to slip at times. Things such as short term memory loss and just generally not “getting it” or understanding. I seem to become a little vague now at times but it’s not all the time, just now and then. This morning for example, Chris put a tablet right in front of me to take. He said “Do you have coffee left or do you want some water?” I replied “I’m fine, I have coffee here”. About 10 minutes later I called him in to ask what he’d done with the pill because it was gone. He told me I took it yet I had absolutely no recollection of it. I burst into tears because I could have sworn I’d not taken it. He got down on his hands and knees, telling me to keep calm that he’d look for it on the floor and of course, it wasn’t to be found because it was already in my stomach. It’s a weird sensation and I have to admit, a worrying one.

I am still very positive and feeling well, nothing at all there has changed and it won’t. I just have little moments which is natural I guess. One thing to consider though is that I have only just began going down the path of treatment. I have a huge road ahead and I will be putting in this blog every little detail, good and bad. The nice stuff, the gross stuff….all of it. Cancer is a terrible and cruel disease and never ever forget that sometimes it’s preventable. I can’t stress this enough, make the effort to prevent it. I will also stress that although the treatment for cancer is harsh, painful, disgusting at times – it’s the treatment that is saving my life so far and giving me time. Time that is more precious now than anything else in my life. No matter how bad I feel from any treatments, it is worth it. It’s worth it for those who love me.

The past two days have been wonderful. Aside from the couple of things I touched on above, I am feeling quite well. After my aunts and mum left yesterday (Tuesday), I was on such a high. It was just such a nice day catching up and talking about childhood memories. We talked about my Dad a lot, something I rarely do as it’s just still too painful even after losing him so many years ago. I’m glad we did talk about him though. Thank you Kathy and Anne for doing that for me. It was a very special day for me, more than you would ever realise and we get to do it again tomorrow! Today was great, too. I went and had lunch with my two favourite sisters, Rachael and Jodie. Yeah, Jo is my sister because, well….she just is. I couldn’t imagine her in any other way. She’s one special girl. Rachaels friend Theresa was there too. Another special person, one who is just so genuinely nice. There should be more like her. And now for the really big news! For those who know me, get ready to fall off your chairs in shock. Are you ready? Here goes – I – cooked – dinner! I did really. I have witnesses to prove it. It tasted like shit but the effort was there so surely that counts for something.

Before I go to bed, I want to say this again; Thank you so very much for all the kind messages I am getting. They make me laugh, they make me cry. I am totally blown away by them but what’s even better than that, is that people are learning from this blog. Either by giving up smoking themselves, passing it on to those they know who do smoke or even just that it’s had a positive effect on how they view life and those little things that matter, that should matter. I write this blog for two reasons. One is because I find it difficult to express my feelings verbally. The main one though is for education and to explain how easy this can happen to others, to explain it at a grass roots level….yeah, even the gross stuff. It’s all important.

1st July, 2010

Today was a bit of a strange day emotionally. I’m not even sure how I can describe it. Roller coaster is probably the most fitting I guess. I still have another week before my next lot of chemo treatments and although they are not exactly fun, I feel agitated because I want it to hurry up. In my mind, the longer I wait for treatment, the tumours could be growing even though I know that’s probably not the case. I’m not making sense with this, they are just words that pop into my head so be warned, this post might be a bit strange. I’m even struggling to write for some reason. It’s been a very hectic week though with lots of visitors every day. I’m very tired so I’m sure that’s the reason for how I’m feeling. But I promised that I would write here every day, even if there was nothing to say. That’s funny, I have so much I want to say that at times it’s like my head will burst!

It seems that every day I feel physically different. The pain or discomfort constantly changes and therefore, my mind races as I try and figure out what is going on with my body. I’ve had a headache all day that just won’t go away. One of the most dangerous effects of chemo therapy is the immune system is greatly affected so therefore it’s vital that I keep as well as I can. Should I pick up a cold or flu, that could be very harmful. Every day I have to take my temperature. Because this is in my chest and affects my breathing and my throat, it’s constantly on my mind that perhaps I’m getting a cold. My physical symptoms seem to change all the time. One minute my throat will be sore and my nose will become blocked. Then it’s not. It’s frustrating and confusing and goes to show just how much this is taking over my life. But, I’m coping well and my spirits are still high. That will never change. I vowed to write everything in this blog so even when I’m having a down day, it’ll be here. It might not make sense but I’ll continue anyway.

My scalp has begun to itch and tingle. It’s the first sign that something is going on with my hair folicles. Perhaps I’m imagining it, it doesn’t really matter though. I’m really not concerned about losing my hair at all. I’ve always had nice hair. Recently I got it cut to my shoulders, prior to that it was down near by backside. The next hair cut will be a doozy! Before I got sick, I always assumed that it was only the hair on your head that you lost from having chemo. It’s all body hair, including eyelashes and eyebrows. If there was a favourite part of my body, it would have to be my eyelashes. I don’t want to lose them. The rest, I couldn’t care less about. I find myself looking for signs of change every day now. Because I have tumours on my liver, I’m constantly checking my skin for signs of yellowing. Checking my teeth and eyes. I need to stop doing that. Do you see how easily this horrible, disgusting, humiliating disease can just take over your entire life? It’s not just pain and discomfort. It’s so much more. 90% of lung cancer is caused through smoking. It can not be cured. I can be tumour free with treatment which will prolong my life but I will never be cancer free. Don’t smoke! Do what you must to kick it. I get frustrated because I wish I could find more encouraging words to convince people to give up. I write all the silly details on here, all the horrible side affects which I know sound gross. My writing this is not cry for help, it’s not to gain attention for myself. I watch each and every day, my family suffer. I see it in their eyes, their pain and sorrow when they look at me. It breaks my heart. The guilt I feel is enourmous because had I have been aware of just how easy it was to get this, I could have prevented their pain. I got this disease through my own doing. There is no one to blame but myself. I owe it to my family to fight. I will never give in to it.

Each time I post on here, I try and write happy stuff. So, enough of the crying and serious crap. Let me tell you what happened today. My aunts, Kathy and Anne visited again which was nice. I got Chris to go into a suitcase that held things I’d kept of my fathers. I’ve not opened that suitcase in years. He brought in my dads photo album and we laughed at the old childhood photos. My Uncle Darrel found a photo and asked Anne to give it to me. It was of myself holding my daughter, Tara. She was 6 mths old. I was barely 16 years old. A baby holding a baby. I look at young mothers these days and wonder if their lives will be filled with as much happiness as mine was. I wonder if they realise just how precious their kids really are. My mother saved the day as usual and brought along the cakes for afternoon tea. She did the same with lunch two days ago. I hope she knows just how much I love her and appreciate what she does for me. I think she does. Later in the afternoon, Rachael and her boys came to visit and stayed for dinner. Naturally we had take away. She wanted me to cook and naturally, I laughed at her. Scott and Jodie visited again also. My house was full of kids and laughter. Even though I was not feeling my best today, I loved every minute of it. Tara gave Codey a phone. I wish I had taken a photo of his face when it lit up. It wasn’t even a good phone but to Codey, it didn’t matter. He called her at work to thank her for it. Have I mentioned how the little things matter? Yes, I know I have. Has it sunk in yet? Try it, you will be amazed at what you see. Here is an example of something little, little but so very special. My Auntie Margie didn’t come here today with my mum. Still, she went out of her way to make some containers of food for my visitors. She didn’t have to do that. They didn’t even eat it. It was such a nice gesture and usually we’d just say thanks, taking it for granted…as we do. Why do we take those things for granted? I’m rambling now. I told you this would be a weird post. It’s late, I’m tired and I have a headache and no doubt, I’ve bored who ever reads this, to tears. So time for bed. After I wake Chris from the lounge and put him to bed first. I warned him not to fall asleep there and to go to bed. He seems to not want to go before me. I think it’s time I grounded him as punishment. I’ve not proof read this post, fair warning to you all.

3rd July, 2010

The last thing I do each day before bed, is write in my blog. Last night I sat down to do that and before a word was even typed, I fell asleep in my chair. I struggle to fall asleep in my comfy bed yet I did in an uncomfortable office chair? Go figure! Anyway, here is yesterdays entry:

I barely slept the night before. I think maybe three hours of fitful sleep before getting up at around 8am. I didn’t feel good at all. Tired, aching, my cough has returned and to top it all off, my voice is gone again. After almost a week of feeling so good and then to wake up to that, it was frustrating to say the least. All pain aside, I think the emotional aspect of this is the worst because it changes constantly. I was glad I had nothing to do that day, no entertaining. I just stayed home and relaxed. Well, I tried to but my mood was sad yesterday for the most part. Mackenzie, my 3 yr old grandaughter stayed over last night. She was dropped off in the afternoon and that lifted me little. She’s such a sweet girl and so well behaved. We had little picnic on my living room floor then we painted toe our toe nails together. How boring, some might say. I tell you, it’s those moments that mean the world to me. I cherish every second of it. What a shame it takes something so tragic to make you realise these things. To make you realise just how much enjoyment you can get from such trivial things. I should correct that….they were trivial. To use another cliche “If only we knew then, what we know now”.

I was a bit teary throughout the day. I don’t cry much at all, really and I’m grateful that I can control that rather than let it get me down 24/7 but there are times when I just can’t help it. It’s natural and I think I need to do it now and then. It’s funny though, I never cry over my illness and how I’m feeling physically. I never cry over the fact that it just sucks that this has happened to me. I cry for those around me. If I had the words to express how painful that is, I think the tobacco companies would be broke in no time because everyone would quit in a heartbeat. So the day progressed and was uneventful. Until a visit from Rachael and Tess, that is.

First my mum showed up saying she was at Shanes so stopped in on her way home. I never gave it another thought as she does that often. Then Rachael and Tess stopped in for a coffee. Supposedly they were doing quote not far from my house. Again, I never thought otherwise. Rachael sat on the couch beside me and said “Happy birthday”. Her jacket was laid over her lap…..it moved. She had bought me a puppy 🙂 And not just any puppy but the type I have always wanted. To say I was happy, was an understatement. I just burst into tears. God, how do I thank her for such a thing? Words just aren’t enough. It’s a little girl, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I named her Hope. I was like a kid with a new toy. Needless to say, Hope and I spent a lot of time together last night. I even giggled like a school girl when she had an accident on my carpet. How stupid is that? hahaha.

Throughout this blog, I will mention lots of people. Memories, fun times we’ve had and just how much I love them. There is one I want to talk about in particular. One who has made the ultimate sacrifice for me. My son, Christopher. His life has had many ups and downs, especially during his teenage years. He made mistakes, I made mistakes. Unfortunately, there is no rule book when it comes to raising kids but I’m sure everyone can relate to that. During all the struggles though, we have always been close. I can’t say that that ever faultered, regardless of anything. It’s just this bond you have with your kids. A bond so strong that nothing can break it. It may bend now and then and it may take a lot of effort to straighten it out, but it never breaks. He is 23 years old (I said 24 in previous posts. Bad mother! I’ll blame the cancer for the many blonde moments now…hahaha) and finally he was getting his life in order. He and his girlfriend, kelly found a nice home and they moved in, ready to start afresh. Their future was looking good. The happy family, Chris, Kelly and their three amazing children. Two weeks later, I was diagnosed and the day I was, Chris packed up his things and moved into my house to become my carer. He moved away from his girlfriend and his children. He has put his entire life on hold….for me. If I could find the words to express what I feel, I would – but I can’t. How can anyone put into words gratitude for such a sacrifice? And to Kelly, a huge thank you for giving him the encouragement. You have given up just as much. I should tell you that more often and if I don’t, please know that it’s how I feel – always and forever. To go on and write about the things Chris does for me, would take a year. Not only does he do everything…from cleaning to giving me my medication, pushing me around in that horrible wheel chair when we go out. It’s the emotional strength that he gives me which is so very special. I hug him all the time. I tell him I love him all the time. I say often that he doesn’t have to do this for me, that I don’t want to take his life from him. He just laughs, tells me to shut up then says there is absolutely no where else he would want to be. How in the hell do I thank him for something like that? This blog is all I have, I hope it’s enough.

3rd July, 2010 (cont.)

I really don’t have a lot to comment on today. It’s been a good day, uneventful and I’m feeling quite well. I’m still annoyed that my voice is gone. Even though I hate speaking on the phone, when you lose the ability to though, you realise just how much you need it. It came back once so I’m hoping it will again and hopefully before my birthday party next week. All those people and I won’t be able to speak louder than a whisper. I assumed at first that the reason my voice was gone was because of the coughing. That’s not the case though. It’s because there is a nerve on my crushed airway that affects my voicebox. I can’t help but wonder what is going on, is the tumour growing or reducing? Sometimes I just think too much.

I suppose I’ve almost reached a milestone with this illness. The type of cancer I have if left untreated allows a survival rate of only three months. It’s been that long since I first started getting sick. It’s a silly thing to think about I guess but I’m trying to find positives in everything and I’m certainly not on my death bed….far from it. I have to have a bunch of tests on Tuesday. I’m curious though a little frightened. Because I’m feeling so well though, I’m quietly confident.

I don’t really have much more to say tonight so going to get to bed early. Hopefully I will get a decent amount of sleep. That would be nice.

4th July, 2010

Today was not a great day. With barely 4 hours of broken sleep I got out of bed and basically felt flat all day. Still little pain, just very tired lately. I did manage to sleep for a couple of hours through the day which did make me feel better. I’ve never realised just how much I need sleep. I feel for those who have a sleeping disorder.

So I vowed that I would write down all the little details that happen to me. The good, the bad, even the yukky stuff. Now, this is not the nicest to talk about but too bad. I began this blog as a journal of my daily trials whislt dealing with this. So I’m sorry readers, you are getting it all. Today my hair began to fall out. Now then, don’t go getting all sad and saying “awww” because it’s not falling from my head yet. Let’s just say that I’m able to now save a load of money on razors, creams and wax. Yes, you got it. My pubic hair has began to fall out. I admit that I cried little. Most would jump for joy but the hair was mine, even though I hated it. I’d become somewhat attached to it. I am laughing about it now though. Of all places to lose my hair first….that’s hilarious to me.

Tara and Linton visited tonight and they were about an hour late from joining Chris and I for a beautiful roast dinner. Chris is an awesome cook. I would say that I taught him well, but I didn’t. I never cook. My cough seems to be coming back but so did my voice today. It’s still not good but at least I don’t pass out when I try and get words out now. My nose started bleeding for no apparent reason. That was weird and I’ve no idea what that’s about. Another question for the doc on Tuesday. Chris finished buffing and polishing my car today and it looks like brand new. He is adament that I need a bigger one for the wheel chair because we can’t fit passengers in. I like what I have though so not sure what I’ll do yet.

I’m rambling on about trivial rubbish again. I suppose I just like to put down everything that I do and along with all the changes that are happening to me. Hopefully, with all these changes someone might read who is suffering cancer and say “hey, that’s happening to me. They didn’t say that in the info books” and it might give them some relief from what can be a very confusing and heartbreaking time. Maybe some things aren’t even related but I do know that prior to this, I was perfectly healthy. It’s all very strange and is taking a lot to get used to. I’ve been sick for over three months now. I hate to admit it but I am forgetting what it’s like to just feel normal. To wake up feeling refreshed, shower and face the day. To not give a second thought about going shopping or going to work. I’d love to go for a walk and feel breathless simply because I’d given my body a good workout rather than be breathless because I have lung cancer. I feel bloated because my bowels aren’t working so now laxatives have become part of my daily, pill popping ritual.

I’m so tired today so going to bed early. Usually I don’t go until early hours of the morning. It’s 9.30pm and I’m off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

5th July, 2010

I went to sleep on the couch and woke at 1am. That’s typical but usually I can manage to fall back to sleep after a little while. It’s now 3am and I’m wide awake, sitting at my computer and listening to an amazing pianist called Yiruma. I used to play the piano when I had one. I would spend hours at it. I got a lot of joy from it, it was very relaxing. I wish I had another one. I miss that a lot. I always wanted to be a writter of some kind. My life has been full of challenges and so very interesting. Well, to me at least. Having my kids so young, raising them. I have loved more deeply than many ever could. I lost that too but that’s life. There is so much I wanted to do.

6 months ago I wrote a short story. It was before I became physically sick, physocologically though it was a dark period in my life and writting was really the only outlet I had. It’s a very special story to me and I’m going to post it on here.

Her Miracle

By Allison

It always amazes me how a change in weather can affect my mood. It’s early evening and a southerly storm is moving in. There is an eerie but peaceful feeling as I sit here alone in my room; the only sounds heard are the tapping of keys on my keyboard and the constant humming of a fan. Small comfort to what was a hot and very humid day. It’s at times like this when my thoughts will drift back to past memories and experiences that have changed not only my life, but those whom I love.

There have been many changes in my life over the past two years. As each day passes, a little more of me seems to fade along with it. I find it increasingly difficult to leave the house each day and more often than not, I struggle to even converse. I find it impossible to talk about my feelings, my hopes, my fears and I daren’t dream as I do not believe I am worthy of them. So I write. Have I become a recluse? Probably. Will I change back to the confident and out spoken woman I once was? Likely. But this story is not about me, it’s about the celebration of life and how small miracles can and do happen. This is a story about my mother although no words would ever do her justice.

I am the eldest daughter of four who was raised almost single handedly by my mother. Our upbringing was very typical of a single parent household in Australia. I say single parent even though we had a stepfather. He was there though it was our mother who raised us to be what we are today. Caring, compassionate and strong willed members of society but all of this came with a price. Her life was not an easy one. She endured things that no woman ever should yet still, she was there and to this day I admire her strength and determination more so now than I ever have.

At an early age she became very sick and after a long struggle, managed to physically survive it. I say physically because psychologically, she didn’t. From the struggle of her life, a broken marriage and the trauma of her illness came a deep depression. Depression is a disease that slowly eats away at you. I liken it to a form of cancer, the difference being that cancer eats away at your body, depression eats away at your mind.

For many years I watched her sink further and further into it. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know how to react or even talk to her about it. All I could do was be there when she needed me. At her lowest point she was unable to even leave the house, relying on everyone to even bring her basic needs such as food and medication. You can watch a person slowly die from an illness and have an understanding of what and why. How do you understand watching someone you love die when there are no physical signs? It’s not their body that is dying, it’s their very soul. She was now at the stage where she simply existed.

News came forth that her sister’s husband had contracted cancer. Her sister, although an incredible woman in her own right, was also very ill and therefore unable to care for her terminally ill husband. It was soon after, that something remarkable occurred; my mother suddenly came alive. She packed up her tiny flat at the base of my brother’s house and moved in with her sister and dying husband to take care of them both. As the months passed, I watched her become the formidable woman she once was. It was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon and although she was surrounded by sorrow and sickness, her true strength was beginning to shine once more.

I was in awe of her. I watched her move into their house and literally take over. So many things we take for granted each day, little things like driving a car, going to the store, visiting a doctor. Things that she struggled to do for so many years on her own and yet here she was, doing not only that, but so much more. I wish I could tell her how proud I am. I wish I could speak the words. My own days are often dark. At times it’s as though I am in an abyss and can’t find my way out. I think of her and it makes me smile, it gives me hope.

After a long, painful and heartbreaking struggle, her sister’s husband finally died.

She still lives with her sister and continues to be the beautiful person she always was only now, it’s her also who sees it. I smile when I think of them together and the silly things they do. They remind me of that old sitcom, The Golden Girls. My father died a very lonely man and it was only six months ago I expected the same fate for my mother. I thank God for small miracles.

Barry, your life was taken from you in a cruel and painful way but from what you endured, gave my mother life and a reason to live. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. You were her small miracle.

End

To the Porter/Morris family; You all play such a huge part in my mothers life. Knowing you are all there to keep an eye out for her. Allowing her to come into your lives in such a special way. She tells me all the time what you do for her, visits and phone calls. Birthday, mothers day gifts. God, I could go on and on. I hope you realise how much that is appreciated by not only myself, but all of the Carter family. The fact that even though you have your own lives, you still ring her daily to see how she, your mum and now I am. We truly have the most awesome family. It’s easy for most to say that, I know. How can you ever measure the caring and love we all have for each other? Even when we don’t see each other for months at a time. We all get angry at the life blows we recieive. It’s often just not fair and it makes us angry at the world. But when you look back at what we truly have, heart and compassion….is it really so bad? No way, its wonderful. You only need to look around you to realise that. Really look.

6th July, 2010

I wasn’t going to write in this tonight. I attempted to go to bed at 10pm hoping to sleep. It’s just turned midnight and this is the third time I’ve been up. I’m so tired but even sleeping pills aren’t helping now. God, how I wish I could just sleep one full night. I initially typed in the date of 5th July then realised the time. Today is my birthday, I’m 42 years old. I have blood tests today then my first real check up with my oncologist since starting chemo. Just to hear her say I’m responding well to treatment would be the best gift ever. I think I am.

I probably choose the wrong times to write in my blog. The past few entries have been when I can’t sleep and that’s when I’m probably feeling my most down. It’s so hard to stay positive when I am exhausted but I find that writing about those I love, helps greatly. Even if I do cry the whole time.

So tonight, feeling angry, sad and very frustrated, I turned my music on to relax me then logged onto facebook. The only friend I have online is my brother Shane. Immediately, I smiled. I don’t think I’ve spoken about my brothers much on here. What amazing men they are, both so very different in their own ways. It must be so hard for them and dealing with what is going on with me. I know they don’t have a clue what to say but seeing it in their eyes, they way they hug me. God, it tears me up inside. For most of my life, I’ve been the one who just got on with life and my career. I worked so hard to have a good life, earned way too much money (is there such a thing?), had a very good life, much better than many. Life deals some wicked blows at times and bad decisions are made. That’s what life is all about though, right? It’s what evolves us to the type of people we are and although I am far from the place I once was, I’m still Allison. I’m an achiever and my life has been wonderful.

I find myself reflecting on my family every day and what they have achieved. My chest swells with so much pride when I think of them. I remember certain doubters making comments about where someones life will end up and juding how others choose to live their lives. I would always reply with “It’s their life, let them find their way” and they have in abbundance. From the work they do right down to how they raise their kids and love them with every inch of their being. Some may drive flashy cars, they might earn loads of money, they might be beautiful on the outside and have lots of superficial friends. But how do you put a price on someones heart? How do you measure it when you ask “Hey Shane, can you help me with something?” and he drops everything to do exactly that, regardless of how busy he is. How do you measure a hug or the words “I love you” when you know that it’s genuine? You can’t, it’s impossible. I suggest to everyone to forget the judging, forget the jealousy or worrying about what someone will think of you for being kind. Try it, seriously. Your life will be so much more fullfilled. I never say it…ever. My brothers do that to me. Every time I see them. I just never took the time to notice before. You are truly both amazing men and I’m so very proud of you and what you’ve become.

I wanted to say something quickly to John. It’s impossible to actually say the words so I hope he reads this. About six months ago, John literally died of a sudden illness. Well, someone was watching over him because he was allowed to stay around. Seeing him laying there on a ventilator and life support and surrounded in ice, being told that his chances of survival were very minimal. I dont’ think I have ever felt so much hurt in my life. There lied this huge, burly, young, strong man…lifeless. How could that be? How could something like this happen? I was so confused and remember just breaking down whilst stroking his cold hand, telling him to get over it and come back. I wonder if he heard me. The next day there was improvement though there was a good possibility of brain damage due to him being without blood or oxegen for 8 minutes. About a month later, I was at a party at my sisters house then in walks John, as fit and alive as he once was. He truly was a walking miracle. We talked for ages about what happened during and after. He cried nearly the whole time and I’m sure he still does now. I was not sick at this stage and I will never forget one question I asked him. I asked him if he saw anything while he was “dead”. I won’t say what his answer was, he may not even remember talking to me about it, and that’s ok. People have asked if I’m scared of dying. Six months ago, it was my biggest fear in life. Thanks to John, I’m not scared at all now. John, you gave me something so very special. If not for you, I don’t know how I would have coped with what might be the inevitable for me. I know I would not have had the strength that I do now to push myself and keep my spirits up. The fear I used to feel about dying was crazy, it would keep me awake some nights. You took that fear from me and for that, I thank you. We may not talk much, I know you find it difficult, just as I do but I just wanted you to know exactly what those few words have done for me.

I start typing on here then read back, usually to cry again as it all sounds so sad. Sure, my body is sick and it is hard to deal with at times but those times are minimal. Those feelings leave me almost as quick as they come and I’m back to my normal self. I am strong, I am happy given the circumstances. Every day I smile and laugh at something. Every day I cry with joy at what my life has been and still is. I don’t have much anymore in the way of material things. Money is always an issue yet those are the last things I think about. I truly don’t care. There is so much more that makes me happy and I am so very, very grateful for that.

So, to finish up tonights post – Happy Birthday to me!

6th July, 2010 (cont.)

It was another night of no sleep. After writing the above post, I went to bed at around 5am only to wake again at 7am. That’s a total of two hours sleep. Two hours is about normal for me now but there is light at the end of the tunnel which I’ll come to later. So I got up feeling surprisingly ok. I sat on my couch and just relaxed for a while before getting ready to head out for my blood tests. When that time came, I stood and felt a very strange feeling in my scalp that I’d not felt before. I knew immediately what it was and sure enough, when I pulled at a few strands of hair, they just fell into my hand. I pulled more, more came out. I really thought I was going to be ok and then I looked at Chris watching me and I burst into tears, extending my hand to show him. He too, cried right along with me and just hugged me, not letting me go and telling me “Mum, it’ll be alright. It’s only hair and you are still beautiful”. He’s right of course. It is only hair and it’s a small price to pay to keep me well. It was just a bitter blow, especially having it happen on my birthday, of all days. My 42nd will be one to remember, that’s for sure. It would have been nice to have had hair for my party on Saturday though. Chris tried all day to get in touch with the hairdresser to come to the house and shave it off completely. She was unable to so Chris will do it tomorrow for me. I do wish I could keep it a little longer but the rate it’s falling out, that would be impossible. Also, it’s just dead and lifeless. Oh well, I got to wear my cool hat in public for the first time. It wasn’t so bad.

That was the bad news of the day but I do have some good news. Actually, I have excellent news! My visit to my oncologist went better than expected. It seems I’m responding extremely well to the treatment. The fact that both lungs are working better and I’ve not been terribly sick, is a huge positive. Even my blood counts were normal….too normal. That sounded strange at first until she explained that they want the counts to be a little low to ensure the chemo is doing it’s job properly. My next lot of treatment they will up the dose just to make sure. I’m not sure what affect that will have on me but should I get sick, it will be a good sick. It means the drugs are doing their job and keeping me alive. Probably the best news though is that the one cancer pill I take each morning is the reason why I’m not sleeping. When she said that, it was then that I remembered being given them and was told they would keep me awake. I hate that I don’t remember things at times now. Anyway, because I’m responding so well, the dose of that drug will now be reduced dramatically. It will take a few days to notice but I’m so looking forward to that. It’s incredible how again, we take things for granted. Why am I so excited about just being able to sleep at night? Just to not feel exhausted every day, that’s why.

Even though I’m not feeling fantastic today, my cough has returned and then there was the hair issue, it was a great day and the news from my doctor was the perfect birthday gift. I had my mum here most of the day and then Tara and her boyfriend, Linton came by. They stayed for hours which was great. There seems to be so much to talk about now. We laughed and laughed about silly things we’d done whilst living together. The ET doll scenario’s, my walks of shame, Anthony having a fascination with things no child has business with, to name a few. No, I’m not going into details but trust me, it was hilarious and even now as I type, I’m laughing about it. I would never say that Tara and Chris were very close. They were just typical of brother and sister who lived very different lifestyles. You would never think it now though. Since me getting sick, they have become so much closer and it’s truly a beautiful thing to see. There is genuine love and respect. Tara even told me just how proud she is of Chris and Chris is in awe of the fact that she kisses him hello and goodbye. Such trivial things to some but it means everything to me to see the relationship they are now building. It gives me joy and a special type of peace. They had better keep it up, too 🙂

All in all, my birthday was very enjoyable just spent with those I’m closest to. Saturday night will be big though and I’m looking forward to that.

7th July, 2010

What an interesting day today was. Last night, whilst unable to sleep and in a strange mood, I sat there and began to pull my hair out…literally. I was just hating it. It was dead and lifeless and for some reason, I felt dirty and just wanted it all gone. I didn’t pull much out and stopped after a short while. I’m just trying to remember if I went to bed last night. On the odd occasion my short term memory just goes. It’s so frustrating and right now, as I write this, it’s happening. I truly can’t remember if I went to bed last night. Reading up, it seems that I did. Or was that the night before? Weird.

Anyway, this morning I had the ultimate hair cut. The hair dresser couldn’t make it and I was desperate to get rid of it once and for all. I suppose that sounds strange. You’d think I’d want to keep it as long as I could but in the state of mind I was in, it had to go. There was just myself and Chris here. He was so gentle with me and took his time to get it perfect. We laughed and cried. It was a very special moment and no doubt was very hard for him to do. I really thought i was going to be ok with it but when I looked in the mirror, I broke down. Thankfully, it didn’t last long and I showered to get cleaned up. After that, I was fine and still am. As I said before, it’s a small price to pay for keeping me well and besides, my hats are great! Now I can buy more and just might have to accessorize also. There are positives in everything.

My cough is back full swing now. With that comes pulled stomach and back muscles as well as headaches. I asked my doctor yesterday if there was anything I can take to ease it. There is nothing. It’s just something that I have to live with until the chemo finally helps that as well.

I got some news about a woman whom had sent a message on my blog, giving me words of encouragement and telling me briefly of her own battle with a brain tumour and how she survived it. Her message was full of hope for me, heartfelt and positive. I could tell by her words that she was strong and happy she’d beaten the cancer. Not more than two days later, the message I’d gotten was that her tumour had returned and she was now in a coma. To say I was shattered would be an understatment. Here is this woman, a complete stranger who took the time to write me and wish me luck with my battle only to find herself fall down again to this disgustingly, cruel disease. Do you see how quickly things can change? How life can be impacted in such a devestating way? I’m angry just writing this down. Angry that there are so many bad people in the world whom go on to live out full lives yet offer nothing to society but misery. How is that fair? Cancer does not discriminate but as I’ve stated so passionately, over and over, some can be prevented. Think about it for a moment. Think back to the things I have described. The horrible physical changes, never feeling completely well. Knowing these filthy tumours are eating away at my body, affecting my mind but more so, causing so much emotional pain to those I love. Those are the hard facts. Appreciate what you have around you and live your life to the fullest potential you can. Give more than you take. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it much more. My thoughts and prayers are with this beautiful stranger who doesn’t know me. I sincerely hope she gets through it.

I have so many happy things to talk about but tonight just doesn’t seem like the right time. Tomorrow is another day.

9th July, 2010

I can’t say that I’ve been feeling great the past two days. I seem to be getting more and more tired now but the good news is that finally, I am sleeping. It’s still only a couple of hours here and there but it’s still much more than I’ve had in a long time. I’m still trying to get out and do something productive every day. Yesterday, Chris, Kellie and myself went shopping. Yes, you guessed it…we were shopping for hats. I think I’m becoming obsessed with hats now. It used to be shoes. Oh god, I have so many pairs of shoes! It’s a standard joke with us. I would make a fortune on Ebay should I sell them. I think last count, I had 60 something pairs. Most I’ve never worn. I remember a few years ago when Trevor and I would go shopping. We’d pass by a shoe shop or handbag shop and he’d zone me out like the netballers do. I’m smiling now thinking of him. Trevor, what an amazing man he is. Although we do stupid things and make stupid decisions, he truly was the love of my life. 15 years is not something insignificant. It’s more than a third of my life spent with him. I could go on and on about what he and I achieved during that time but I don’t need to. He knows it. All I will say is, Trevor…thank you. You truly gave me something special during those years and I’m forever grateful. You and your family are amazing and your sons are a true reflection of the type of man you are. Be proud of that. I always was of you and still am.

So, back to yesterday – Shopping was fun though I have to say I was a little paranoid. Being wheeled about and now wearing a hat. It was obvious that something was wrong with me and that was a bit hard to take. I’ve always been so healthy and independant. Hell, it wasn’t – that – long ago that I was playing baseball 6 days a week and working 8 hours a day. To go from that, to this, is hard at times. But I battle on and I will continue to do so. It won’t beat me. After coming home I was tired and just feeling down generally. I was supposed to go over to Rachaels for Tylars birthday cake but decided I’d stay home. I was chatting to my Italian friend online and he gave me a youtube link to watch. It was the most heartwrenching thing I had ever seen. So many say that I’m an inspiration to others by my so called strength and will to fight my disease. What my friend did inspired me to get up off my ass and stop sulking then drive to my sisters house for my nephews birthday. After him talking to me and showing that link, I decided there and then that I will not miss any significant opportunities again. So it was a nice night being there. Emotional when I first got out of the car and looked at my sister and mum. They both had tears in their eyes because it was the first time they’d seen me since losing my hair. It wasn’t sad really, it was a beautiful moment. That probably makes no sense, but it was. Unfortunately, it was cut short when I happened to look down at my feet and noticed they’d swollen to the size of balloons. The first thought of course was blood clots which apparently can happen easily. So off to the hospital once more for more blood tests, more observations, more prodding and poking. The doctor was lovely but damn, he sucked with needles. Just when the last lot of bruises had disappeared, now there are more. The blood tests were fine so was allowed to go home at about 4am providing I had untrasounds the following day on my legs. I did and all was fine except for how much it hurt. I never believed an ultrasound could be so painful. It was the first time I’d cried with physical pain since getting sick. I’ll say it again though, small price to pay to make sure everything is fine.

My daughter, Tara, Linton and Anthony just left. They bought me the coolest pair of skater shoes ever! (yes, I get a tad excited over shoes). I quickly tried them on and was suddenly disappointed, thinking they were too small. It was my swollen feet though, which then made me laugh. By tomorrow night, they will be fine. I love it so much when they visit me. It can be for 5 minutes or 5 hours, doesn’t matter. Every day, I’m more and more proud of her. And there is no way I could express, even in typed words, how I felt after reading what she’d written in the card. She knows though, I’m sure of it.

I’m glad I made this entry early tonight as I have a big day tomorrow, then backing it up with another party for Gary’s 50th on Sunday. Go Allison, you party animal….haha!

10th July, 2010

This is a special entry. It’s 8.25am and I have been awake almost all night. I logged on my blog and realised that I’d not posted the entry from the night before. Maybe I forgot to or something just went wrong. Either way, it’s done now and then I read a new message from a woman who is amazing in her own right. Someone who I was close to for 15 years and who I think about often. It’s my ex partners sister, Wendy. After reading and drying my eyes, I wanted to write about her…about her and her family. I hope she doesn’t mind.

Wendy, the relationship you had with your mum was so very rare. It’s unusual these days for a mother and daughter to be so close, to be such great friends and have an unbreakable bond as you and Doreen had. I could type for hours and hours about the type of woman she was. Formidable goes close, but not close enough. When she died, the pain I felt was….argh, I can’t even describe it. What I do know is that it would not have scratched the surface compared to what you must have felt. You and the rest of the Ross family. We hear that life is not fair. That it’s the good people who are taken from us way too early. In your mothers case, never a truer word has been spoken. There are no words I could type that would do Doreen justice. As for what you are feeling right now, yes….you most certainly would understand what my kids are going through. And for you to take the time to write me such a heartfelt message, I’m humbled and even feeling a little guilty. Thank you…..thank you. I wish I could say more. It just goes to show that Doreen lives through you and Trev. My kids will do the same and that makes me proud, as heartbreaking as it is. We all have regrets in our lives of decisions we’ve made, things we’ve done which were just plain wrong. I know for a fact that I could have turned up at that house in Bridge Street and she would have welcomed me, offering me coffee and of course, some kind of cake or slice that she ALWAYS had on hand. I regret that I was not in the right state of mind to do that. To say she was a special woman is the understatement of the century.

I actually have a lot to thank your family for. I wasn’t going to talk about this for my own reasons but you know what? Fuck it, I will. Your mums funeral was exactly as I knew it would be. Huge and so very, very sad. I was probably at my most darkest place then. It took every inch of my will to dress, leave the house and attend it. Depression is a horrible disease. After the service, I was waiting until Trevor was free to give him a hug. Whilst standing there, his kids….Mark, Dean, Aaron and Adam all came up to me of their own accord and hugged me. It was the first time I’d seen them in 2 years and to be honest, that was the last thing I expected. My tears were suddenly not for your mum, but simply for those hugs, for that acknowledgment. I suppose that sounds selfish of me, perhaps it was but if they knew what happened from those simple gestures afterward, they’d understand. You see, during that time I hated myself. I mean, I really hated myself and thought I was worthless for what I was and what I’d become. The rest of the day was a blur but it was the next day when I asked myself “What the hell am I doing to myself? I’m better than this”. Seeing a woman like Doreen taken so cruelly, knowing the love that the Ross family has for each other and being priviledged to have felt some of that for so many years. I decided then that it was time I snapped out of it and welcomed my own family back into my life. I did exactly that, but then I got sick. It doesn’t matter though because I’m no longer depressed. I have so much love for my family that I just want to burst. Regardless of my condition, I’m emotionally well and your family is a big reason why. You say that you’ve been reading my blog from the start. Then you’ll know that I continue to say that the little things are what matters the most. It’s so true, Wendy. Look around you and cherish it, embrace it. Please, never waste it. Seriously, thank you. Your family has given me more than you could possibly realise.

11th July, 2010

My 42nd birthday. Four days prior, I lost my hair.

It seems to be becoming a habit now with me only posting something here every two days. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that some nights are just much harder than others. Tonight is relatively good although I am still very tired as usual. I do have happy things to talk about though.

Last night was mine and Tylars birthday party. I wasn’t feeling at all well during the day. Tired and my cough is driving me crazy now. I took it easy all day, slept when I was able to but by the time I was meant to leave, I was still sick. I arrived an hour and a half late trying to get over it before hand. Just the drive over, I had to pull over twice to have coughing attacks and throw up. I was determined to keep going though as I’d been looking forward to this party all week. Within minutes of arriving I had to excuse myself from everyone and find some privacy where I’d not be embarassed. Most would say there is nothing to be embarassed about and that’s a fair enough statement. I’m sick, I have cancer – but- I still have dignity. After a short while, I came out and from then on, I felt great the rest of the night. I even had my voice back! It didnt’ last the entire night due to me talking so much but I didn’t care. I had the most wonderful time! Sure there were a few tears, the right words were said but all in all, everyone was there for a party, not pity. It was absolutely perfect. I laughed and smiled the entire night and yeah, shed a few tears but they weren’t of sadness. It’s hard to say why they fell, perhaps just overwhelmed by how happy I was just to be there with everyone. That and the fact that someone was looking down on me and allowed me to be well and enjoy it. There were times I just sat there quietly and looked to each person, the smile never leaving my face. I cherish and love every one of them for so many reasons. There was one moment in particular that I’m still laughing about. My nephew Jackson just walked up to me out of the blue. Oh God, memory failure. I can’t remember how old he is! I think about 7 yrs. Anyway, he said “Don’t you have any hair now?” I replied with “Nope, it’s all gone” he came back with “That’s really cool. Here, I drew you a picture” and that was it. It sounds silly, trivial even but my heart just burst. And I’ll say it again….the little things matter. It wasn’t so long ago that I would be the first to leave a party, that’s if I turned up at all. Usually there was always an excuse not to attend. Last night, I was exhausted and in some pain, yet I was one of the last to leave. Thank you to everyone for making it such a special night.

Unfortuanately, I overdid it a little and was unable to attend Garys 50th today. It was another night of little sleep, I had no voice and again, coughing terribly. It’s the cough that causes me the most pain. Not only my throat but headaches and pulled stomach and back muscles. I’m counting the days until chemo again. I know if I can get rid of this cough, things will be so much easier. I suppose it sounds strange that I’m looking forward to my treatments. Yes, they are invasive and time consuming. Yes, they have terrible side affects (thankfully, so far I’ve been lucky in that regard). I wonder though if it’s something that just is in my mind. This cancer has literally taken over my life. Every day and every decision I make is based around it. I’m confident that the chemo will get rid of the tumours. That will be a milestone, just knowing I don’t have these disgusting things living and growing inside my body. I’ll never be cancer free though. So, in saying that, here is a little more scary education for those who are unaware. Lung cancer, depending on the stage, is incurable. Treatment will often remove the tumours and kill off most cells, but not all. Hence what I meant by never being cancer free. Then again, someone has to be first, so why not me? It’s always good to be optomistic and positive. I don’t think about the prognosis much. I really don’t see the point in that. I’ll live for today. I’ve not said it for a while so it’s time for a reminder. 90% of lung cancer is caused by cigarette smoking. You have the choice of whether you get lung cancer. Choose wisely, if not for you then those who love you.

Tomorrow more blood tests then the chemo cycle starts again on Wednesday. I wonder what the coming month will bring. Good things, I’m sure.

12th July, 2010

I’m glad before I went to bed last night, that I checked my appointment time. It wasn’t today I was meant to have blood tests, it’s tomorrow. I think I need a secretary….oh wait, that’s what Chris is for. Maybe I’m not paying him enough….oh wait, I don’t pay him anything 🙂 I think I see a pattern there. I’m kidding of course. Chris does more for me than I’d ever imagine or would ever expect. I’m getting slack though because I think I only hugged him once today.

About today; Well, there isn’t a great deal to tell except I felt better today than I think I have since being sick. Last night, I slept for 6 hours. Throughout today, I barely coughed at all and my voice is back. We decided not to use heating in my room last night or in the house today. I’m not sure if it’s coincedence but something happened and I’m not complaining. Perhaps the reduction of one of my medication has done it. Either way, I feel really good and I hope it lasts. It was an uneventful day but I enjoyed it a lot. To be able to totally relax pain free was a bonus. I even managed to take a nap and woke up the normal way instead of coughing and fighting for breath. I’ve mentioned before about the roller coaster feeling. It really is like that, each and every day. Whether it be physical or mental. I’m still very grateful though that I remain positive and am able to just deal with it. I’ve always been the type of person that takes hold of a challenge. I’ve been told I’m an “All or nothing” type of woman and in the past, it’s not always been a good thing. With this challenge though, dealing with my illness and focussing on the positives rather than the negatives, I’m glad I am like it. It’s going to get a hell of a lot harder down the track. That will be my ultimate test.

Next week, I will be having more visitors and it will be straight after my next cycle of chemo. I was asked if I have anything on those days and immediately, the first thing I thought of was whether I’ll be sick after treatment. That thought annoyed me. The fact it was the first thing that popped into my head. I was/am determined I wasn’t going to let this cancer rule every decision or action I made yet it did for a moment. It wasn’t for the fact that I might be sick after treatment, I can handle that easily. It’s the fact that my family see me sick. I know it’s to be expected but it’s still hard to deal with. Regardless, I will take every advantage and use it. If I’m sick, so be it. I’ll not miss any opportunities to do things with or see those I care about.

People have said to me time and time again that it’s sad how it takes a tragedy to open their eyes and bring them closer together. Some even have said they feel guilty about it. I suppose it’s understandable to a degree. If the shoe was on the other foot, perhaps I would feel the same way. I really don’t know. What I do know is that I just don’t see it like that now. I don’t care that it’s taken me getting sick for this to happen. Seriously, how can you look at what has evolved, in a negative way? The power and strength I’m getting from everyone is what keeps me well. I’m sure of it. The messages on here and facebook from those in my past, messages that I know are heartfelt and genuine. Every one of them touches me. But the most important thing is, that the message is getting through. Not only to take care of your health but to open your eyes to what is around you. To live your lives to the fullest and notice every little detail of it. To take hold of it and run. It’s when you lose the ability to choose, then it’s too late.

13th July, 2010

Another relatively quiet day but the start to a very busy week. Today I had more blood tests and I’ve no idea what they were for. I didn’t bother asking which is strange for me. I usually ask questions about everything. I just went in there, kind of robotic like. Had it done then left. I suppose I’m in a weird mood today. I start my second cycle of chemo tomorrow and am feeling anxious about it for a couple of reasons. One is that I know they are raising the dosage and I’m unsure what effect that will have on me. The other reason is I feel there are things going more wrong with me every day and I’m hoping that the more chemo drugs I get, will fix these problems. I’m not in any real pain, so to speak. Just silly annoyances. My legs have swollen and was told it’s just something I have to live with. My head is itchy, sore and irritating yet there is nothing to be seen. My nose bleeds when I cough and again, just something I have to live with. My chest feels tight again so immediately I am thinking that the tumour is moving back to my airway. My bladder has weakened due to the coughing. These are the things that wear me down. I’ve always been a woman of dignity, one who took pride in her appearance and carried herself well. One who was healthy. Not only am I fighting for my life, I’m fighting to do it in a dignified way. And I will continue to do it. It will just take more effort but I’m still determined, more so now than ever. I’ve gone from feeling shock, terror, sadness, humiliation and now I’m angry. It’s not a bad anger though. It’s what will keep me strong and positive. I can just see the noses wrinkling of those who read this. I know it’s not a nice thing to write about but I think it’s necessary. I vowed I would tell it all, good and bad. Positives and negatives. What – you – gain from it is education. I often write about my family and friends. How happy they make me, heartwarming stories and I’ll continue to do that. I need to do that. It doesn’t change the fact of just how debilitating this disease is though, and that’s the other message I’m getting out. I will get a lot more sick before I feel better, I know that and I’m prepared for it. I just pray that whoever reads and follows this journal is learning something from it.

Anthony, my 6 year old grandson is staying here tonight. It’s the first time he has since I have been sick. I miss him so much. Before getting sick, I lived with him and my daughter for two years. I guess I was like his 2nd mum. He knew that I’d had my hair cut off and tonight, after his mum left, he asked to see it. The only people who have seen me without a hat is Chris and my grandkids. I showed him and immediately, he looked down. I know he’s only a baby but it broke my heart that he couldn’t look at me. The last he would have remembered, was my hair down to my backside. I asked him “Don’t you like it?” he just shook his head and looked very sad. I explained as best I could why I have no hair, that the medicine I take made it fall out but it will grow back when I’m well again. He seemed ok after that. Of all my four grandkids, he’s the emotional one…the deep thinker. Tomorrow I’ll do something special with him. I’m crying now and I can’t stop. I’ll be over it quickly, I always am and then I’ll pick up and carry on. I just fucking hate what’s happening to me. It makes me so sick and angry at times that I want to scream!

Tomorrow will be a better day.

14th July, 2010

Well, I suppose today was a better day, if not a confusing one and somewhat scary. Treatment took a lot longer than expected. I was there for five hours today as they were concerned about the other things that were going wrong with me. My cough as well as my swollen legs mainly. Before I go into details, I just want to say a quick word in relation to the people whom work in the Blacktown Oncology Clinic. I have no private health insurance so therefore am a public patient. I did have private health cover for many years which I paid a lot of money to belong to. Since seperating from my partner and losing my job, it was one of the benefits I decided to let go due to nothing but it seeming to be a waste of money, money that I just couldn’t spare anymore. I have absolutely no regrets in that as the treatment and care I have recieved from this clinic has been amazing. Sure it’s their job and they get paid to do it but it truly takes special people to deal with such patients in such a dignified and caring way. Yes, it seems they really do care and that means more to someone like me than you know. I remember when I was first diagnosed, one of the first doctors touched my shoulder gently and looked directy at me, saying “Fight it. We are all fighting for you, too”. I really do believe they are. So those who doubt and do nothing but complain about our public health care system, think again and look at countries like the US. They simply don’t compare. So that’s my little political speech for the day. Like it or not, it’s only my personal opinion and experience.

Just when I was finally getting some sleep during the nights, I arrive for chemo today only to be given 4 times the dosage of that pill that kept me from sleeping. I knew my dosages were going to rise this cycle but I assumed it was only going to be the chemo drugs, not that damned pill. I will be having that for the rest of the week so sleep will probably be non existant again for a while. During treatment, I dozed off and woke up coughing, unable to breathe. My mother quickly got the nurses attention and they ran over while another began to prepare a cortisone (I think that’s what she said) injection. I was able to fix it on my own and began breathing once more. I’ve since learned that although rare, that can happen during treatment. Just another side affect. I think that is the scariest one yet. So it was an eventful day of treatment and for my trouble, I got to leave with more medication to take. This time, fluid tablets for my legs and magnesium for the cramps in my legs. I swear I went to the bathroom 8 times within an hour! From someone who would struggle to take a headache pill, to this. Go figure. But it’s not all doom and gloom. I feel much better in my mind that the drugs are attacking the cancer once more. I’m also feeling quite well. The coughing has subsided a lot, my voice is kind of back and I’m not feeling sick at all. I expected to be throwing up yet all I have is a bad taste in my mouth. Oh, and my mouth ulcers have gone! So a few positives today and tomorrows treatment is only for 2 hours. I’m curious to see how I’m feeling in the morning.

I seem to be focussing more on my condition and symptoms lately than I have on the good things in my life. Time to get out of that mode, I think. It’s late though now and Hope (my puppy) is driving me nuts because she wants to go to bed. Tomorrow I think I will reflect more on the good stuff.

16th July, 2010

It’s becoming a bit of a habit that I miss a day writing this now and then. I suppose sometimes there just isn’t anything to write. To constantly write about the bad things, gets me down at times and often I sit here and just simply, don’t want to write. Tonight is another one of those nights. I’m alright though, still as positive as I was. I have just had a really rough, past two days. Wednesday, I felt fine but Thursday and Friday was pretty bad. Thursday night I didn’t get a single minute of sleep. I was also the most emotional I’ve been since being sick. I know it’s expected for me to have days like that and I’m sure there will be plenty more. I can’t help but feel guilty though, which is silly. What I hate most is dragging those around me, down as well. I know how much they worry about me. Generally, I just felt sick and very unwell. Today after treatment, I slept most of the day. I was literally exhausted and could not keep my eyes open. Although sleep is what I’ve been praying for, I was also not feeling well at all. I’m assuming it’s the extra dosage they gave me. Right now, as I write this, I’m feeling quite well though so its not all bad. I just had a moment that lasted two days…haha. And now, another two weeks off. I’m looking forward to that. To my health improving as it did from the last lot of treatment.

I’ve always considered myself an intelligent woman. Career minded, focussed and always able to make the hard decisions. I’m finding being unable to do that all the time now, is one of the hardest things to deal with. It’s like my mind is just missing a beat now and then. I forget things so easily or something just won’t gel with me. Often, I find myself thinking the most silly things but to me, they seem appropriate. It’s rare but when it happens, I hate it. Right now is a good example. I wanted to write some good things about my life, my family and past but nothing is coming to mind. I’ve lead such a full life, I’ve achieved things that many have not yet I just can’t think. Maybe I’m just tired, maybe it’s the treatment. For now though, I will stop writing as I know I’m not making much sense. Hopefully things will be back to normal tomorrow. I’m having family visit tomorrow. Aunti Al, Sharl, Danny, Holly and Belinda. I can’t wait to see them all! I know for a fact there will be lots of laughing. God, I hope I’m feeling well. I’ll pray for that tonight. It’s so important for me to grasp every opportunity now….and I intend to.

19th July, 2010

What a ride the past few days have been, and not a good one, either. Since Friday, it’s all a bit of a blur. The chemo seemed to really take it out of me this time. I don’t think I have ever felt so exhausted and not just mentally, phyically. Actually, mentally I was not very coherent at all. I remember waking up once to my house being empty and panicing because I didn’t know where Chris had gone. Even though he and mum had told me exactly what they were doing only an hour beforehand. All pain and nausea aside, that is probably what I find hardest to deal with. As silly as it sounds, I’m worried that I say things that will upset someone, whether it be in anger or just confusion. So this is my apology for any future, stupid things I say or do…haha.

I was planning on driving myself to treatment on Friday but with how I felt, Tara ended up taking me. Just spending that couple of hours with her was so nice even though I was hooked up to lines and slept nearly the whole time. Driving home, I seemed to go downhill very quickly which was disappointing considering I was so well after my previous cycle. It’s the frustration of being somewhat helpless that I hate the most. I was meant to have family over on Saturday and all week I was looking forward to seeing them. Saturday morning, they had to be told they can’t come as I was just too sick. I couldn’t even think straight and although they would have not cared what I looked like, it’s important to me that I not only look ok, but that I can at least have a conversation. Maybe it’s pride, vanity or maybe I just want to hold onto my dignity. I hated having to tell them, especially after the plans they’d made as they were travelling long way to see me. I know they understand though and I love them for it. Sharlene lives in Tamworth, about a 6 hour drive from my house. My god, the fun I have had there in the past! Something I will talk about in future posts. I’m laughing now, reflecting as I write this. I’m going to do that again. I wonder how good she can push a wheel chair around. Actually, that’s a scary thought so I think I will walk.

Anyway, I seem to be going off on a tangent again. Today is a great day as I slept an entire night without being sick once. I will do productive things today. Usually I write this blog before going to bed but from now on, I think I’ll just write whenever the mood strikes at whatever time.

Life goes on and I intend to live it.

I’m on my two week break again before the next cycle of treatment and I’m determined to get out and do as much as I can. I feel as though I’ve reached a point now that it’s just time to live with this and carry on as ‘normal’ as I can. I’m used to the odd feelings I get every day. Sleep is coming easier now and my attitude to each side effect is becoming more laid back and accepted. It’s always in my mind that no matter what I’m feeling, it’s doing me good. That is the most important thing of all.

22 July, 2010

Another few days have past since my last entry and what a change there has been. I feel amazingly well. For three nights in a row I have slept then entire night, just like a normal person. My cough has all but gone and generally, I feel as normal as I could want, given the circumstances. I haven’t done a great deal to speak of, mostly doing things around the house. Things I’ve not been able to do for months. I never thought I would enjoy washing dishes or…yes….cooking! Sure, they are only snack meals but hey, cooking is cooking, right? I’m even going to attempt to clean out my wardrobe of the too many clothes I own. That will be a feat and no doubt I will fail miserably due to the fact that I’m almost as attached to my clothes as much as I am my shoes. I can’t do much for too long as my back aches after a short while. I put that down to lack of excersise though, not the cancer. I’m just thinking about what physical signs of sickness I have right now and there are very few. My hair…or lack of, is the obvious. My legs are still swollen as well. What I have noticed though is a good side effect. My skin has improved drastically. It’s so soft and I swear that even some wrinkles around my eyes have disappeared. Even my mum confirmed that. The two most obvious are my hair and voice. The voice is just frustrating as it comes and goes throughout the day. It does make for a good excuse when I don’t want to talk to someone. And no mum, that doesn’t mean you.

My mum, I don’t think I have written about her in a while. Have I mentioned just how much I love and appreciate what she does? I know I have but I can’t say it enough. She calls me at least twice a day and even though I can’t always have a conversation (the voice thing), she doesn’t care. So many little things she does which makes my life easier. There are the big things like taking me to treatment and doctors but it’s the things like bringing me things when she visits. It may be something like tissues or coffee or a cake but then it will be something special like yesterday when she bought me a butterfly wind chime. They may sound trivial to some but they mean everything to me because of what is behind the gesture. It’s also like when the kids draw me pictures or pick me flowers (sometimes weeds) from the garden. The look on their face when I make a big deal of it, is priceless. Everyone, you should notice these little things that others do for you. Understand the meaning behind it and why they do it. It’s because we are special to them. That just makes them even more special. Does that make sense? Maybe not…try it anyway. Mum, I know I tell you I love you every day but I’m saying it again….I love you, more than I could ever express in words. You are truly the most selfless and compasionate person I’ve ever known and what makes it even better, you are my mother. I thank God for you and those who love me, every night.

Enough of the mushy stuff. I cry too easily these days. This weekend will be interesting as Chris and Kelly are going on a weekend holiday. That means I will be alone for the first time since getting sick. I laugh at Chris as he seems petrified to leave me on my own. It took all my effort to tell him I don’t need a baby sitter, that I really am fine and feeling the best I have in months. I love that he cares so much. I mentioned above that my mother was selfless, well I will put my kids in the same catagory. Tara works extremely hard and I encourage that every time I talk to her and I know that she would…and has done….drop anything should I need her. Chris just does it, day in and day out, without question. I’ve often thought about where I would be if he didn’t move in here. Not only does he do the everyday things, but he’s allowed me to keep my dignity and independance. How do you measure that? It’s impossible. I know I have gone over these things before but I need to say it now and then. We all should take note of what others do for us, even then little things. They all matter.

I’ve had so many messages on this blog and also online. Messages from most who I know and strangers alike. They talk about how I inspire them but if only they knew how their messages inspire me to keep going with the positive attitude I have. Today, I got a message in my email. I’ve no idea who the person is and she (I’m assuming it’s a she) doesn’t know me either yet her words were so heartfelt. Whoever you are, thank you. I am curious as to who the other person that does know me, is though 🙂

I’m staring out the window and the afternoon sun looks so inviting. I think I’ll go and sit in it for a while. Damn, I sound like an old lady! Oh, I got my piano, too! Now I just have to remember how to play it again.

24th July, 2010

It’s 6.30am, Saturday morning. I didn’t sleep as well last night as I have been but I still feel physically well. Mentally though, is probably not so well today. It’s frustrating that my mood can go up and down so quickly. Only yesterday I was so grateful and happy that I was feeling good, that I was feeling like any normal, healthy person would. It’s a very strange place I’m in today.

The past couple of days, I’ve been researching my condition and side effects of the treatment. Previously, I didn’t really want to know. Instead I would just rely on what my doctors and nurses would tell me. I want to understand exactly what’s happening though. I need to so that I can take hold and not only learn to live with it the best way I can, but to hopefully beat it. Yes, beating it is a long shot, to say the least, but positive thinking is all I really have. Although I don’t let it be known, one thing I am struggling with the most, is my thought processes – or lack there of. Previously I mentioned how treatment can affect cognitive abilites. Well, it seems they even have a title for this. It’s called chemo brain and it’s very very real. There is little known about it and research is being done on how to prevent it. Chemo therapy actually reduces a part of the brain. It affects memory, concentration. You are often unable to multi task and often it takes much longer to finish something. Even common words are forgotten. This is happening to me and I’m struggling a bit to deal with it. Having always been a focussed person, someone who tasks came easily to. I always considered myself an intelligent woman. I know that I still am but when you forget things like someones name, the age of them or more importantly, things like bank account details and passwords. It’s frustrating, even infuriating at times.

Chris is away for the weekend on a house boat and Shane and I were meant to go there today and have a bbq lunch with him. I just finished calling him to say I can’t do it. I was so looking forward to it but a two hour drive is just dangerous with how I’m feeling right now. Not only with the problem I mentioned above but also with tiredness. Another side effect from chemo is tiredness but it’s not like what one would normally feel. Usually, you’d just feel tired and have time to do something about it. When having treatment though, sleep can happen instantly, without warning. Even though I’m feeling so well, it’s easy to see how this disease really has taken over my entire life. Every little thing I do revolves around the cancer. The past few days have been great, so great I had even thought about doing some kind of work again. Even if it was from home. So I opened up a spreadsheet last night to start on something I was doing for my brother. I couldn’t remember how to use the excel program, a program I’ve been using for years. Maybe tomorrow I’ll remember. The advice from counsilors and professionals is to find something to keep the mind active, a hobby for example. I was so excited to get my piano. I’ve had it for five days now and I’ve sat at it twice. I forget how to play it. But that’s ok, it just means I’ll have to do it the normal way with sheet music. It’s not all doom and gloom though. I do laugh at times at the silly things that are happening. I can blame chemo brain for all the blonde moments I have now and who will question it? You see, positives in everything.

It’s obvious I’m not having a good day today. I am alone for the next two days and funny enough, I’m grateful for that. Sometimes I need time to myself to think and to cry. To just do my own thing. Regardless of it all, I’m still very positive and the battle continues. With all I’ve said today, I wonder if any readers take it in and will see more reason to prevent what can be a preventable disease? I truly hope so.

So life goes on and I will be over my sad moments soon enough. At the risk of disappointing those who say I’ve inspired them with my strength, I guess today I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. I don’t want to just exist. I want to live.

27th July, 2010

I have some great news! My check up with my oncologist went well today. So well that I could have danced my way out of the clinic. It seems I’m improving with every treatment. I was unaware of just how sick I was not so long ago. My liver was a big concern to my doctors, something I was unaware of at the time. That has improved considerably which is the best news ever. I knew the cancer on my lungs was better. The fact that I have two lungs to breathe with is evidence of that. But I always wondered how my liver was going, thinking that perhaps the drugs were masking the damage. It seems all positive going by my tests today. My doctor said something that got me thinking. She said that after my next lot of chemo, which is next week – I’ll have scans and then decide how much more chemo I need. Does that mean remission? I need to learn more about it all. Either way, I’m looking at it all positively, regardless of anything now. I’m sure to still have my sad moments, I’m only human after all but I refuse to let them get me down to the point where I can’t cope. I will always cope, even when I’m having stupid chemo brain. I’ll just laugh at it now rather than let it get to me. I mean, how much damage can that really do? That is the least of my problems. So, onward and upward. Life is good.

Now, a little about the past few days. Chris came home from his trip and I swear, I have never seen him so elated. He had an absolute ball on the boat with Kel and his girls. I couldn’t shut him up even if I tried..which I didn’t, of course. It’s amazing the joy I get from seeing others happy. I’m living with this disease, a disease that is killing me and it’s so unfair yet I love to see others enjoying their lives. Isn’t that strange? I really can’t explain it but it’s true. If you just allow it to happen, other peoples joy can be infectious. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.

Yesterday, mum took me to see my GP and afterwards she took me to do a little shopping. No wheel chair required. I wandered around the supermarket and got what I needed. Then walked to the other end of the mall for something else. I think that is the first time in months I’ve been able to do that. I won’t say it was easy, but it also wasn’t that difficult. I plan on doing that a lot more, now that I know I can. If not for the hats I wear and my voice, you’d not think there was a thing wrong with me. Oh, and on the subject of hats – my hair is growing back. I’ve no idea how long that will last, but who cares? It’s another positive. I just realised how many positive things have happened over the past few days. It may bore you to tears but they are special to me. Like Tara coming to see me twice over the weekend and sending me random text messages just to say how much she loves me in that special way she does