ROCHESTER, NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire, sources confirmed Friday that local man Dave Katko, who is reportedly really excited to one day have children, must be a pedophile. “He’s been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he’ll be once he finally has kids—ugh, gross,” said Carmen Wilson, explaining that she was “incredibly creeped out” after her date shared photos of his niece and nephew on his phone. “You can tell he’s obsessed just from the look he gets in his eyes when he talks about holding his future son. He’s always going on about the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps, how he’ll love his children no matter what. What a fucking sicko. And he says he wants at least two! How disgusting.” At press time, Wilson was convinced her date was thinking about kids while having sex with her.

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