RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi folks! I’m here with our old friend Andy Reid, who has graciously agreed to help us out with our Chiefs preview for the 2017 season. How are you feeling about this team’s prospects for the season, Andy?

ANDY REID: Hungry.

RTD: Ah, yes I can see how you and the Chiefs would be hungry to erase their legacy of going one-and-done in the playoffs and make a little more noise. Let’s start with the team’s current strength, the defense.

ANDY: Sure. I like to compare our defense to Bubba’s Barbecue out in Overland Park. It’s got everything you could possibly want. The defensive line is a lot like their rotisserie – you’ve got some turnover with Dontari Poe and Jaye Howard having departed, but standout Chris Jones remains and looks to be supported by second-round pick Tanoh Kpassagnon and newly signed Bennie Logan. So you’ve got plenty of beef there. Linebacker is like the rump roast they do – a little questionable with Derrick Johnson coming back from an Achilles tear, but with Justin Houston, Tamba Hali, and Dee Ford combining for the pass rush, you’ve got a potent crew there.

RTD: How about that secondary?

ANDY: The secondary is a lot like their brisket – it’s the best in the business. Eric Berry just signed a well-deserved big contract, and it’s looking like Terrance Mitchell is going to be an answer at cornerback.

RTD: Along with cornerback Marcus Peters.

ANDY: That’s right. Peters tends to be high risk high reward – like finding an unopened Arby-Q on the sidewalk. Is it warm because someone just dropped it there two minutes ago, or because it’s been sitting in the sun for the last two hours?

RTD: I’m not really sure I see how that’s a high reward situation, but…let’s move on to the offense. Running back.

ANDY: Right now Spencer Ware is our top guy, a lot like Fiorella’s Jack Stack. A step down from Jamal Charles, but generally pretty solid. But then you’ve got Kareem Hunt, who is kind like Deke’s opening up down the street. So those two are going to battle it out.

RTD: Would you say either one has an inside track at this point?

ANDY: I’m leaning a certain way, but I don’t want to say it out loud.

RTD: Receivers.

ANDY: We’ve got a competent group of guys. But they’re a lot like All Slabbed Up out in Leavenworth – they’re just too far away to be of much use. Tyreek Hill is the best of them, and we’re expecting him to contribute on special teams as well.

RTD: You mean Tyreek Hill the piece of shit who punched and choked his pregnant girlfriend before you took him in the fifth round of the draft?

ANDY: Yes, we were happy to get our hands on him – we were worried the Cowboys might trade up to get in front of us. Much like last year, most of the many, many, many passing plays I draw up will eventually see the ball heading to Travis Kelce, who is still one of the top tight ends in the game.

RTD: Served by the ever-reliable Alex Smith.

ANDY: Yeah, Alex is a lot like a Tender Greens that is the only thing open at 2 a.m. It’s good for your health, but it’s never going to fill your belly. We picked up Patrick Mahones II in the first round…

RTD: Traded up to get him.

ANDY: …that we did…and I’m confident that he’ll be a great player once we’ve had some time for him to season a little bit. Like that nice dry rub that the Burnt End uses – you leave it on for a good hour or two. Except in this case it’s going to be at least one season, possibly two.

RTD: What about intangibles?

ANDY: Well, I take a lot of heat for my clock management, so that’s been something I’ve worked on.

RTD: Really?

ANDY: Yeah, so there’s this place called Calftime over in Liberty Heights. And the deal is that you get one hour of all-you-can-eat with a single time-out. So you really have to plan carefully to make sure that you don’t leave hungry. I mean, you can always just spring for a second hour, but the restaurant got a court order that forbids me from doing that anymore, so one hour plus the timeout is all I get. So what I usually do, is I start by eating plenty of bread before the clock starts…they got this real nice focaccia…and then I’ll usually start out with a slab of beef ribs and a slab of baby backs. And see, the trick is, as soon as they put down the slabs, you gotta get your order in for chicken, cause they cook those to order. Once the slabs are down and the chicken is on its way, it’s time for potato salad and beans. And then…[eyes begin to glaze over]…

RTD: Andy…?

ANDY: …you move on to the sausage course. You gotta…[begin salivating, trails off]…

RTD: Andy! Stay with me.

ANDY: [leaps to his feet] SORRY GOTTA GO!

RTD: [as he runs off] A prediction, Andy? Your record!

ANDY: [over his shoulder] 10 and 6! One and done!