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CHINA

“China Meets the Future: A Country Dreams”

China’s current political system is very good at weeding out Trumps long before they have a shot at power. But under more democratized conditions, Chinese Trump would almost certainly embody the country’s budding undercurrent of expansionist ultra-nationalism. He would be handsome, somewhat awkward with women and likely got rejected from an American university in his youth. The Chinese Trump would loudly espouse a China that will “take its place in the world.” Taiwan should be seized by force, Japan should be made to pay dearly for its WWII unrepentance and voters would be promised that the United States would be pushed to the margins of a new Cold War.

BRAZIL

“We know what to do”

In the words of one source, Donald Trump is positively “bush league” compared to the populists South America has churned out over the years. Over-the-top bluster? Shoot-first-and-ask questions-later solutions to complex problems? Grandiose “I’ll take care of it” plans with little to no organizational planning? Latin America practically invented that. These days, Brazilian Trump would probably be a gay-bashing apologist for the country’s military dictatorship past who may or may not end up in prison for corruption.

GERMANY

“Let Germany Remain Germany!”

Germany still has plenty of scorched and bullet-riddled buildings to remind everyone to be particularly suspicious of ideologues. And the country has strict legal limits on acceptable political speech; in Germany, many of the things uttered by actual Donald Trump would be illegal. But setting those considerations aside, German Trump can capitalize on the country’s whispered notion that Turkish and Arab immigrants are not integrating—and that their growing share of the country’s demographic pie could be a threat to future stability. Unlike the outsider-hungry U.S. electorate, Germans are much more partial to pedigree. Thus, German Trump would have the degrees and experience deemed worthy of high office. Also, in the bookish world of German federal politics, it wouldn’t hurt if he or she jazzed things up by being a member of the German aristocracy with a hot spouse, the occasional smile and a few titillating tabloid scandals under their belt.