I most likely don’t know you and we’ve probably never met, but I do know one thing about you: you’re doing it wrong.

You see, the way you hold your pistol is all wrong.

If your thumbs aren’t pointed up then you’re doing it wrong.

If your thumbs aren’t pointed forward or down then you’re doing it wrong.

If your thumbs aren’t touching the slide then you’re doing it wrong.

If your thumbs ARE touching the slide then you’re doing it wrong.

If you’re not using Weaver stance, you’re doing it wrong.

If you’re not using Isosceles stance,Â you’re doing it wrong.

If you care about stance in the first place then you’re wrong.

They way you have your pistol setup is also wrong. You’re using the wrong sights, the wrong trigger, the wrong gee-whiz-bang aftermarket parts…you’re even using the wrong gun. What I’m using is obviously better. My choices, what works for me, clearly negates what works for you.

The caliber you chose, since it’s different than the one I chose, is wrong. The only caliber that will work in a gunfight is the one I have chosen.

And don’t get me started on your rifle.

If you’re using an AR-15, you doing it wrong. It’s a jam-o-matic and only idiots use them. Also, they fire the wussy little 5.56 round, which as we all know is barely adequate to kill cats squirrels.

If you’re using an AK variant, you’re doing it wrong. Commie guns suck, and only commies use them. They barely shoot 5 MOA on a perfect day when unicorns are flying over the windless range farting butterflies. Oh, and all commie ammo is corrosive, just like the commies themselves.

And just like your pistol setup, your rifle setup is completely wrong. Because it’s different from mine.

Your sling, where and how you attached it, is wrong. Your butt stock isn’t adjusted right. It’s too far, too close, the wrong butt stock to begin with. Your sights are the wrong choice, because everyone knows that real commando operators use [insert sights here]. And your optic? Please. If it’s not [insert optic here] then it’s wrong.

Lower 1/3 co-witness? Wrong.Â Absolute co-witness? Wrong.Â Don’t know what a co-witness is? Wrong. Care about co-witnessing in the first place? Wrong.

If you’re not proficient with irons out to 1,000 yards in the dark off hand, then you don’t need an optic at all. And certainly not THAT optic. Wrong again.

You’ve got a laser mounted to your rifle? Really? What is this Call of Duty? You’re wrong.

You DON’T have a laser mounted to your rifle? Cool airsoft gear bro. You’re wrong.

You should keep your rifle setup simple. Sling and irons. Everything else is stupid and wrong.

You should hang as much crap off your rifle as space allows. Sling and irons only? Wrong.

If you’re not using [insert brand here] mags then you’re doing it wrong.

No one needs THAT many rails on a rifle. You’re wrong.

There are no rails on your handguard? You’re doing it wrong.

Everyone should have a weapon light mounted to their rifle, but not THAT light. You’re wrong.

You use a magwell grip? You’re wrong. You should be using the super tactical thumb over bore grip.

You’re using the thumb over bore grip? That’s retarded and was invented to feed fanboys. You’re doing it wrong.

You grip somewhere in the middle of the handguard? Well obviously you have no idea what you’re doing and you can’t make up your mind. You’re doing it wrong.

You see, my choices are the only right choices. What works for me MUST work for everyone else, and all contradictory choices are wrong. And this being the internet, I feel obliged to tell you.

End rant.