According to a story in the Washington City Paper, D.C. has an epidemic of sex in restaurant bathrooms. Yes, you read that correctly. When not making policy or keeping our democracy afloat the citizens of D.C. are apparently doing the dirty in the W.C.

The town’s restaurant restroom nookie culture is apparently so well known that in a recent “Best of D.C.” poll, the paper asked readers for “Best Bathrooms to Bang in” suggestions.

Hetero, homo, whatever category your average political marriage falls into, according to local bar and restaurant owners the trend is across the board. When people talk about there being “something wrong with the culture of the capital,” I think this is what they’re talking about.

I don’t even like to touch the door handle in a public bathroom after washing my hands; the thought of shagging in the second stall while the musical sounds of urinals flushing accompanies the erotic moment does not exactly entice me. Since when did our country get too good to do it in the backseat of an Uber? I mean an Uber Premium: let’s keep it classy, people. (Just kidding: We do not condone such behavior. Consider the Hook-Up Truck instead.)