Y’know, I’d forgotten how different it is having a baby in the house. It’s loud, it’s hectic, it’s stressful… And it’s also the most amazing thing in the world.

Things have just been so quiet around here for the past couple years. I’d gotten so used to it… Once Harper left, it was just me, Hope, and Tante Joce in this big old house. It was kind of nice sometimes, having all that peace and quiet. But there were times when it felt lonely too.

And it wasn’t just Harper’s absence that made it feel that way.

It was the way she treated us. Alienated us. Pushed us away…

Or was it really us doing the pushing?

That’s certainly how it feels right now. Harper moved back in with us months ago, and in all that time, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t even said a hundred words to us. No matter what we say or how many apologies we give her, she just shuts us out. She doesn’t even yell at us anymore. She just walks away.

She hates us. Especially me. And with good reason too.

I don’t know what the hell got into me. I don’t know why I thought turning her in would be the right thing to do… Hope and Tante Joce were a lot more hesitant than I was. But neither of them actually told me not to do it either. I think we were all at the end of our ropes. It felt like nothing we could say or do would ever get through to her. And we were all foolish enough to believe the punishment wouldn’t be so severe.

I mean, I remember my Onkel Auggy telling us about his cases all the time when I was a kid. Jail time isn’t the norm around here! Fines, probation, mandatory therapy, community service… I was so damn sure she’d get off with another slap on the wrist. Just something to scare a little sense into her!

But now look what’s happened. How the hell could I do that to my own daughter? I promised my Opa all those years ago that I’d never turn my back on Harper. That I’d never let her forget how much I love her… And that’s exactly what I did.

God, why didn’t she just tell us she was pregnant?! If I’d known about Phoenix, I never would have even dreamed of turning her in like that. I would have fought tooth and nail to get that child as far away from Erik as I could. But I never would have let his mother be taken away from him like this. I feel sick just thinking about it.

But none if this is going to change things anyway. I can wonder all I want how different things could have been, or regret it til my dying day, but it’s too late to take any of it back now. The damage has already been done. Harper’s drifted farther away from us than she ever has before. And I’m not sure there’s any way we can recover from this.

The only glimmer of hope we’ve had was the night Phoenix was born. Tomato woke me up around midnight, just barking and barking. Turns out it was Harper. I’m still not sure whether she was just trying to walk off the pain or if she was actually planning on trying to drive herself to the hospital… She never told us. But I knew the second I looked at her that it was time.

Tante Joce stayed home with Tomato, and Hope and I threw on our clothes and took Harper to the hospital.

It didn’t take very long to get her set up in a room. And after that, well, we were kinda stumped as to what to do. “Just go home,” she kept telling us. No, demanding of us, really. “I’m fine.” But there was no way we could leave her there all alone.

Hope made the mistake of suggesting we call Erik… And Harper didn’t like that one bit. Part of me almost felt a little bad for him. Don’t get me wrong — That guy’s a total fucking loser. And most of this is all his fault.

But whether we like it or not, Phoenix is still his son. And I guess it felt kinda wrong not to at least let him know his child was about to be born. But Harper insisted.

We knew we couldn’t actually leave her on her own. So we agreed to go sit in the waiting room instead.

But then, when we were heading for the door, we heard Harper call out to us.

She told us she changed her mind. She asked us to stay.

That was the closest either of us have felt to our little girl in a long time. And I was so grateful we got to be by her side for that. It was nice to finally forget for a little while. All that mattered was being there for Harper, and welcoming our beautiful little grandson into the world.

He’s just incredible. He’s such a sweet little guy, and so happy too. He barely ever cries. He’s so alert and aware too. Way more than any baby I’ve ever seen. It’s just incredible. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And we’re all so in love with him.

We’ve even been letting that loser Erik into our house to meet his son. Harper felt so sure he wouldn’t want to… But he surprised us all. And you know what? He fell in love too.

I know it’s been really painful for Harper to see Erik again… But I think knowing that he loves his son after all has been such a relief for her.

As long as he sticks to his rehab program, the court granted him visitation rights. Hope and I will be seeing Erik around a lot more than we ever wanted to…

But not Harper. We won’t be seeing much of her anymore. Not for a long time.

Next week, they take her away. My little girl, behind bars. For two years.

And it’s all my fault.

Okay, I know I should stop saying that. Tante Joce tells me the same thing every time. “All the guilt and regret in the world won’t change a thing,” she says. “Don’t waste your time dwelling on the things you can’t control.” She always says it’s better to focus on the present… And the future too. The stuff you can change.

And I want to change. I want to do better. Be a better father. Be the best grandfather to Phoenix that I can be…

But I’m not so sure if Harper wants to change.

I mean, I’ve seen the impact motherhood’s had on her. She’s amazing with Phoenix. She’s soft and gentle and loving and kind. She’s everything she used to be when she was a little girl. Everything that I’d love for her to be again. And I love seeing those glimpses of it.

But it’s just not enough. The change has to be deeper, y’know? And I’m so worried for her.

I used to think facing some real consequences would be good for her. A wakeup call, I guess. But now I’m not so sure.

She’s been worse than ever, from the moment she got arrested. Cold, angry… mean.

And something tells me this is only the beginning. What if being behind bars just makes her more bitter? Angrier? Meaner?

What if this was a huge mistake? What if it just makes everything worse?

What if we lose her forever?

Or… maybe we already have.