Look, All I’m Saying Is Let’s At Least Give Nyarlathotep

a Chance

Okay, so maybe we were a bit overconfident in our own candidate’s chances. But to be fair, Jerry, it’s not like anyone really expected the Crawling Chaos to make it all the way through the primary season, let alone the convention process. By the time the muckity-mucks up in Washington realized that an Outer God had a true shot at the White House, it was already too late for any kind of realistic comeback. Hell, I can’t even believe it myself. He isn’t even one of the true Elders, for christsakes.

But the die has been cast, and we’ve gotta roll with what we’ve been given. Like it or not, Nyarlathotep — God of a Thousand Forms, Stalker Among the Stars — is our Commander-in-Chief now. And you know what, Jerry? Color me curious. I know a lot of really heated rhetoric and seemingly reckless policy proposals have been bandied about over the past few months — that bit about “delighting in this dust speck you call Earth’s senseless suffering” still bugs me — but hey, the least we can do is see how He adjusts to His new responsibilities.

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the election humbled the Black Pharaoh just a tad. After all, this is the Outer God who’s spent His entire career — which is older than the oldest stars and stretches back before eons even possessed meaning, I might remind you — as a servant of His dread father, the Daemon Sultan Azathoth. Until now He was either dancing to the demonic flute at the center of the universe, or sowing discord and madness amongst weaker humans for His own dark pleasure. I’m telling you, once Nyarlathotep sits behind that desk in the Oval Office, I think the weight and solemnity of the position will start sinking in pretty quickly.

Think about it, Jerry. Does anyone really even expect Him to make good on His promise to cull a maddened horde from the populace that will traverse the globe like ravenous locusts, spreading His malevolence and contempt to all corners of the land? Who’s gonna pay for that? It was probably just a soundbite, nothing more. Nyarlathotep knows how to play the game, Jerry. He knows exactly how to manipulate the headlines. And fever dreams, too. The stuff He’s shown me in my head as I tossed fitfully during the incomprehensible night terrors. Boy howdy! I mean, He certainly got you in a tizzy, am I right? By the way, do you need a tissue or something? You look a little teary-eyed.

And He might be right, for all we know! Maybe we are entering the twilight of reason, when the gods we once worshipped lay prostrate before the Elders in fearful supplication. Have you really read up on it? Me neither, but He seems just as confident, if not more confident, than what’s-his-name in our corner who was running for office. And like it or not, Jerry, confidence is key, now more than ever.

So yeah, all I’m saying is let’s not be so quick to judge Nyarlathotep before He even excretes a blackened, corrosive bile on whatever holy book they hold up to him on Inauguration Day. He’s our new President, and we owe Him the respect and trust that comes with the position. And honestly, Jerry — between you and me, I also think it’s time our country started looking out for the real Americans, if you know what I’m saying.