By Cathy Kristofferson, April 19, 2013.

First things first – we all know the Boston Marathon Bombing is the gays fault. I’m a Massachusetts native and have been waiting for the sky to fall or the apocalypse to occur since 2004; so I guess this is it. And the Phelps girls (courtesy Westboro Baptist Church) tell me it is so via their tweet: “GOD SENT THE BOMBS IN FURY OVER F*G MARRIAGE!” I question that he’s pretty slow, their “God”, since marriage equality has been around here since 2004 but whatever you say Shirley or Marge or whoever sent the tweet.

All week I have been saying out loud ‘Please… straight white men, let the bombers be straight white men”. I even lost my head and asked someone to pray that for me since I do not have anyone to pray to myself. But desperate times call for desperate measures, as already we saw a plane at Logan grounded because two men were ‘talking Arabic,’ Tuesday morning and then on Wednesday we had an undoubtedly lovely Muslim lady accosted on the streets of Medford because, of course, all Muslims are terrorists and she was wearing a head scarf so she must be connected to the Marathon bombings. So please – not dark skinned as CNN erroneously reported, and no Muslim religion as everyone already assumes, and not queer just please not that…

Today Tony Perkins of the hate group Family Research Council, as designated by the SPLC, blamed the bombings on just about everything on the progressive menu with his statement:

“If Congress wants to stop these tragedies, then it has to address the government’s own hostility to the institution of the family and organizations that can address the real problem: the human heart. As I’ve said before, America doesn’t need gun control, it needs self-control. And a Congress that actively discourages it — through abortion, family breakdown, sexual liberalism, or religious hostility — is only compounding the problem.”

Abortion! He managed to work abortion into the Boston Marathon bombings. Now that takes talent. The only bombings I think of are the ones the religious lunatics carry out on abortion clinics. And the only religious hostility I see is the right’s hostility towards the LGBTI community.

But not to be outdone today, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA), saw the ‘immigrant’ status of the Bombers as reason to doubt ALL immigrants and thus any idea of Comprehensive Immigration Reform should be off the table. His Iowan compatriot Steve King agreed by citing the bombing as reason to believe ‘any talk of a path to legalization should be put on hold’. Very timely and convenient for two Senators who were unlikely to ever support immigration reform in the first place. Well, by that I mean the only likely immigration reform in their book would have been higher fences and tougher penalties.

So now that they have the younger brother of the bombing pair in custody will we learn anything new? Will the Chechens get relief, or the Muslims, or immigrants in general? We know that “White privilege is knowing that if the bomber turns out to be white, no one will label all white people as terrorists.” But we also know that any deviation from that surely would. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) even wants ‘Bomber #2’ held as ‘an enemy combatant’. No Miranda rights. Will there be a suggestion to hold him at Guantanamo too?

Oh, and let me not forget to mention that none of us liberals are ‘cowering’ as some jackass Arkansas legislator suggested last night:

“@NateBell4AR I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a hi-capacity magazine? #2A”

Because we know that there would not have been anything like the ultimate peaceful conclusion to a bloody nightmare had everyone in that Watertown neighborhood embraced the streets brandishing assault rifles. Just as arming the teachers is a stupid idea, so is arming everyone in every neighborhood ‘just in case’…

Only the light of day tomorrow will show what other inconceivable conclusions can be disgustingly drawn from such a heinous act.