This weeklong series offer secular parents some practical advice on handling death, and talks about death, with young children without relying on (or resorting to) religious imagery. Here’s Part Four:

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A side benefit to keeping pets is to familiarize kids with the idea of death, to let them “practice” mourning, and to remind them that life goes on after loved ones die. But, so often, we shield our children from the reality of a pet’s death and, therefore, miss opportunities to let our kids build up their own coping mechanisms.

By encouraging your children to be present when your pets are euthanized and/or allowing your children to be involved in the mourning process with you (rather than, say, leaving the room to cry), you are teaching your kids how to mourn and move on. You are teaching them it’s okay to cry, and that grief — no matter how painful — is not life-threatening.

Likewise, invite your children to participate in mourning rituals when family members die. Modern therapists not only condone taking young children to funerals; they encourage it. Unless the child refuses to go (which rarely happens, I’m told), young kids should be able to witness and participate in the catharsis that funerals bring. Also, children need confirmation of death much more so than adults do. Without it, they may view death as something mysterious and temporary, rather than a real, permanent state. They may even await a loved one’s return.

“Participation helps soften the pain, enhance the healing process, and provide an opportunity for acceptance and transformation,” says Lynn Isenberg, the author of the book Grief Wellness: The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Loss.

When a child can participate in a loved one’s passing, it creates an action, a sense of doing, a sense of purpose, around the loss. A child can plan a ceremony, create a ritual, write words to share with family and/or friends, design an activity around healing — especially if the activity was directly related to the person who has died.

Also, be sure to give children outlets for their mourning. Poetry and song-writing are outlets. Exercise is an outlet. Therapy is definitely an outlet. Outlets are not distractions — that is, activities aimed to keep our minds off the pain. Outlets are things we can do while working through our emotions. Encouraging kids to “feel their feelings” is important — even when those feelings aren’t pleasant.

Also in this series:

Part One: In Lieu of Heaven: Give Kids Science

Part Two: In Lieu of Heaven: Give Kids Your Attention

Part Three: In Lieu of Heaven: Give Kids Confidence

Tomorrow: In Lieu of Heaven: Give Kids Permission to Be Sad