Missing persons case opened after ‘Sherlock’ writer vanishes up his own arse

Detectives are understood to be baffled this morning after the writer of BBC’s ‘Sherlock’ vanished up his own arse.

The incident is believed to have occurred at about 9:30pm last night, during the broadcast of the last episode of the current series entitled ‘Mary-Sue saves the day’.

Police are appealing for witnesses to the event, which coincided with the adventures of Sherlock Holmes irrevocably turning into an episode of the Crystal Maze run by Hannibal Lecter.

Female characters have been asked not to bother coming forward, as they won’t know anything useful and will probably only end up crying or dead.

“It’s a proper mystery,” we were told by an honest, salt of the earth copper of the sort who can’t solve anything by himself.

“A real ‘ead scratcher. It’s that Mister Gatiss, sir. Vanished, ‘e ‘as. Right up ‘is own arse.

“Gor blimey, strike a light, would that we ‘ard workin’ plods from down Scotland Yard ‘ad some clever guv’nor to ‘elp us under these ‘ere tryin’ circumstances.”

A reward has been offered for information aiding in the rescue of the writers, including a full collection of the original books – an offer met with surprise by people involved in the show who didn’t know there were any.

A BBC spokesman has promised a ‘radical, brand new direction’ for future series, in which Sherlock will solve some actual crimes.