Lately, I have been getting more emails and inMails from hiring managers and head hunters recruiting for senior-level positions. If it’s a board, consulting, or advisory position relevant to my M&A focus, or something I might be able to refer to senior-level people I know are looking, I click the link and read the job description. Some are downright ridiculous. After I finish laughing, I ask myself, “Who the hell writes these job descriptions?”

At first, I thought the job descriptions I was getting might be confined to only senior-level job openings, so I started checking job descriptions for entry-level and mid-level openings. I set up job alerts on Linkedin to be notified of jobs that I am way over-qualified for. I even tested the screening and application algorithms by applying for a few jobs. My conclusion is many job descriptions are ridiculous to the point of being laughable. The way many jobs are advertised today don’t attract the best candidates, they chase them away.

First, too many job descriptions are long, banal, inauthentic and unrealistic. They suffer from sameness. Just slap a different job title and company on them. It’s like they were all written by the same person. I imagine an HR Director or Hiring Manager using Linkedin to search job descriptions like those they are recruiting for, then cutting and pasting the verbiage to create the job descriptions for their openings.

Second, it’s clear that the writer has never held the job he or she is advertising for. The job description and desired attributes for the “qualified” candidate are disconnected from reality. Unless the recruiter is looking to hire an AI robot, few people on the face of the earth are capable of performing the job described – or would want the job. I would be embarrassed to refer some of these job openings to my colleagues.

Allow me to share an abbreviated example of such a job description that was sent to me recently. It’s for a senior-level opening in a mid-sized company. It contained 300 words describing the company and the “exciting and vibrant” work environment, followed by 300 words of what the person who is lucky enough to get the role would do. The job sounded like it would require more than 24-hours a day, but the comp package was, shall we say, "sub-par." That was followed by 300 words, mostly bullet points, of the qualities, skills, experience, track record, expertise, education, connections…Ad nauseam…that the candidate “should have” or “must have” to qualify for the position. Here’s an abbreviated list:

MBA Degree

7-10 years relevant experience in the industry

Strong, charismatic leader with exceptional decision-making and delegation skills

Ability to execute the vision, strategy and plan for the company

Effective, versatile and action-oriented

Track record of hiring, managing and motivating top performers

P&L responsibility, capable of managing multiple lines of business

Consistently exceeds business goals and financial milestones

Large network of industry leaders and decision-makers

Exceptional analytical skills with ability to assess and act upon conflicting data

Exceptional communications skills

History of successfully operating within cross-functional teams

Ability to inspire confidence among top clients, board directors and shareholders

Facilitates regular meetings with the Senior Leadership team and aligns workflow between departments

Impeccable managerial and interpersonal skills

Advanced PowerPoint and presentation skills

Advanced Spreadsheet and other computer skills

Multilingual preferred

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound…

…okay, I added that last attribute. This is just an abbreviated list. The full job description called for even more superpowers.

To illustrate how ridiculous this job description is, it ends with this tidbit: ”Candidate must pass pre-employment background and drug screens. Must be at least 21 years old, have a valid driver's license with an acceptable driving record. Must be authorized to work in the United States and not require work authorization sponsorship by our company for this position now or in the future.”

Stop it! I’m dying here. It’s ridiculous to the point of being laughable.

Allow me to offer a little advice to recruiters and hiring managers who post job descriptions like the one above, save for the last truly ridiculous bit:

If a candidate had all the qualities you require and could do all the things you expect, he would not be applying for your silly job. He would be sipping cocktails with Sir Richard Branson on his private island.

Seriously, people who have these qualities and credentials are NOT in the job market. They are running their own companies, or running a multi-billion dollar division of a F500 company at $20M per year, or have cashed out and are now running an investment fund. Get real.

Rather than posting a 1,000-word job description filled with gobbledygook, you can save yourself and the one qualifying candidate a lot of time by condensing it into a single sentence:

WANTED: Miracle worker; must have red cape and large ‘S” embroidered on chest.

My apologies for the sarcasm. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not an HR professional and I don’t know what passes for hiring best practices these days. But I have done a fair amount of hiring for senior-level positions in my career. As a board member, I have hired the Chief Executive Officer for both for-profit companies and non-profit organizations. As CEO of my own companies, I have hired VP’s and Director-level positions.

If my recruiter wrote job descriptions like some of those I see posted today, I would have fired her.

A few words of advice to people looking for a position but are discouraged by reading job descriptions that make them feel dated, inferior or unqualified (you slackers!):

1. Laugh. Some of these job descriptions are downright ridiculous.

2. Some jobs are posted because of company or regulatory policy. They are secretly reserved for someone else. They are purposely written to ensure no one qualifies and there is an excuse to legally reject anyone who applies.

3. Some jobs are not jobs, but part of a PR and social media strategy. What better way to create buzz for a company, promote the brand, and drive people to the company’s website, than by spending a few hundred bucks to advertise for a bunch of "open" positions designed only for the world's most "amazing" people, to create the impression of growth and success?

4. Despite the fact you are a mere mortal, apply anyway. Don’t be intimidated by job descriptions that advertise for a super human. Articulate your relevant experience and credentials and the value you would bring to the hiring organization. 60% of most hires are referred by someone at the company, so use your connections to network your way to an interview.

5. Don’t waste your time and money on multiple job search and application platforms. A few of them are very good but most of them are lame. (Trust me on this one, I recently tested about 7 of them for this piece.) Apply directly on the hiring company’s website. Try reaching out directly to the hiring manager on Linkedin, or by sending him or her a good ole fashion snail mail letter. Don’t rely solely on the recruiter to pitch your credentials or to fully understand your value. He or she is a gatekeeper and often has different objectives and incentives than the hiring manager.

6. Start a company and create your own job. Then PLEASE, when you start hiring, don’t post ridiculous job descriptions! Unless, of course, you’re just promoting the brand (wink).

Here’s a final, non-sarcastic and somewhat useful piece of advice for recruiters and hiring managers who write job descriptions:

Just describe what the job really entails and your reasonable expectations of the person you want to have it. Let job seekers tell you why they think they are right for the job without you listing a bunch of qualities and credentials that could possibly disqualify or discourage them from applying.

I realize you hope to attract the perfect candidate, but he or she does not exist. I know you need to quickly screen out grossly unqualified applicants, but no algorithm can find you the perfect candidate. There is no need to chase away good candidates by posting job descriptions that are out of reach of 99% of everyone in the market for a job like the one you are trying to fill. Keep it real.

One day you may be applying for a new job. Keep your cape clean.