To make classic Hollywood musicals today, you’d need serious trigger warnings to cover everything from gun violence, to misogyny, to rape and kidnapping.

I’ve always adore classic Hollywood musicals. However, when talking to a friend about some of Fred Astaire’s best dances, it occurred to me that most Hollywood musicals, if they could even be made today, would have to have trigger warnings interpolated on a regular basis. You see, when you really pay attention, it turns out that there’s some pretty ugly stuff going on in ostensibly sunny, happy musicals.

As a public service, I’ve gone through some of my favorite dance sequences and taken the necessary steps to protect you should you ever watch them.

Trigger Warning: Simulated gun play and mass murder with top hat, white tie, and tails, not to mention tap shoes and a cane:

Trigger Warning: Simulated sword play, assault, and violent death:

Trigger Warning: Excessive alcohol consumption, anti-Asian bigotry and stereotyping, cultural appropriation, mild anti-Semitism, objectification of women, violent fighting, military posturing, and gun play:

Trigger Warning: Mocks people with facial tics, piano abuse, denigrates vertically challenged people, violence against women, allusions to sexual harassment and rape.

Trigger Warning: Encourages unhealthy eating habits in children, creates subliminal cravings for drugs, implies that women charged with childcare and household work have insignificant, easily-handled responsibilities.

Trigger Warning: Misogyny, cisgendered chauvanism, gender normative insults and stereotypes, negative heteronormative assumptions.

Trigger Warning: Glorifies and normalizes stalking.

Trigger Warning: I can’t even…. Well, yes, I can. Misogyny, rape, assault, kidnapping, and sadism.

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