It Sure is a Scientific World

Hymen the Mood For Love!

The May 2003 issue of Harper's Magazine offers a sprightly English translation of the instruction manual for "Jade Lady Membrane Man-Made Hymen"--a Chinese hymen repair kit.

"For the female sex, the value of the hymen (virgin membrane) cannot be overestimated," the manual commands. "But the rapid rise in modern women's social status combined with the relentless increase in the pace of our daily lives means that more and more hymens are accidentally damaged or even broken by vigorous activity."

Add masturbation, prostitution, and casual sex, and it's easy to imagine Chinese hymens must be in worse shape than ever!

Further, the manual advises that a broken hymen can cast a "heavy shadow over a woman's preparations for entry into the blissful state of matrimony," causing "unbearable emotional stress for a newly married couple." The result? Chinese women are spending their hard-earned yuan on expensive hymen repair surgeries instead of SARS masks!

Jade Lady Membrane to the rescue! The device, so says the manufacturers, is a perfect and inexpensive option, "so that any woman may reclaim her lost hopes of living a full and happy life."

The contraption, basically a plug filled with powdered glue, seals the vagina in as little as 20 minutes prior to penile insertion. When the powders mix with female secretions, they not only create a puncture barrier, but also discharge a blood-like fluid to convince the most "jaded" male vaginal conqueror. And isn't it all about that stained sheet hanging proudly from the clothesline?

Since penetration will be painless, users are encouraged to increase the product's effectiveness by accompanying its bursting with "moans and groans that typically accompany the rupture of a real hymen."

No word on whether the manufacturers of Jade Lady plan to export the product to the U.S., but if they do, I'm buying a gross. A lot of my ex-girlfriends are getting married these days. I can't think of a more appropriate gift.