A DOG has been left confused after the concept of dignity was explained to him.

Labrador Stephen Malley’s owner gave him a long lecture about personal pride after he extensively licked his genitals and anus during dinner time.

He said: “Apparently I would not be so obsessed with my arse and balls if I had ‘pride’ and behaved in a ‘dignified way’.

“But surely if I didn’t keep them clean then that wouldn’t be very dignified, would it?”

Malley’s owner Mary Fisher also explained how he should not sniff other dogs’ arses, eat cow pats or stick his head up women’s skirts.

He added: “I can’t shake hands for obvious reasons, so putting my nose in someone’s groin is the nearest I can manage to a formal greeting.

“If Mary’s so right and proper then how come she puts my shits in a bag, presumably for her personal shit collection. It’s the hypocrisy that offends me.”