It’s very rare that you come across a political platform that jumps out at you in the way this one did. From the moment I first set eyes on it, I knew this was the one.

Meet the Alliance for Transformation for All.

They have two main policies:

1) Subsidies for taxis (we’re talking minibus taxis here of course, not sedan taxis)

2) Less government regulation for taxis. Taxi drivers should regulate themselves.

What more needs to be said. The surefire way to cure all of South Africa’s ills is to give more money to the taxi industry, and at the same time back off on those annoying regulations, and let them decide what to do with it.

I’m sold, I don’t need to look at what the other 47 parties are up to.

OK, so maybe ATA are not for you. I present another surefire winner…

“Prisoners go to the Badlands where they grow their own food, build their own accommodation. Prisoners are chipped and cannot remove the chip or leave the Badlands without it exploding.”

Wait, which party is this? Perhaps the Death Penalty Party is getting soft and now thinks prisoners should rather just have bombs attached to them?

Well, to my dismay, it’s the Green Party of South Africa. If I had to pick a political home, it would be a Green Party, but a European-style Green Party, such as the German Greens, which were born out of the environmental, peace, new left, and new social movements.

Not one that thinks strapping bombs to prisoners is a good idea.

Did I misinterpret things? No, it’s a direct quote from their website. A combination of Mad Max and Survivor (just don’t get voted out, or kaboom), I can only hope this will be televised. It’ll be a great foreign exchange earner.

Except that “Banks and use of money suspended”.

Hmm, there may be some chaos, and the Badlands will be getting a little full, but don’t worry:

“A state of emergency is declared…” To deal with the collapse of the financial system, starving hordes trying to break into the Badlands where at least some food is being grown?

No. “A state of emergency is declared till we have set South Africa onto a path to reduced population”

Except that the country will immediately be on a path to rapid depopulation, since women will be permitted a maximum of two children, below the replacement rate, because “Women giving birth to second child have tubes tied”. Forcible sterlisation of women, not men. Maybe a kind of reverse Handmaid’s Tale?

Continuing the weird sexist theme: “Women volunteer to be trained for running local clinics in skin, nutrition, common ailments to adjust behaviours that are destructive to health and pick up medical problems before they become too bad and direct them to professional care.”

In case you’re worried that suspending money overnight will lead to some disruptions in the food supply, and the country may need to rely on food aid from the rest of the world, fear not. I can assure you, no food aid will be arriving, because, “within a month, no fossil fuel powered ships may dock in South African ports”

So there may be a shortage of things like computers arriving too, which won’t be a problem, because we’ll be experiencing a cultural revolution II, with “De-urbanisation for anyone prepared to work with renewing the biomass of the soil, or plant and grow organic food, reforest or care for animals will hopefully motivate many to disperse over the land.”

It’s a little unclear what that means – there no mention of coercion, but what exactly will attract everyone to a life of toil on the fields isn’t specified.

But wait, maybe we need those computers after all, because “Schooling will be over the air so the necessity to be near the city for education of kids will be reduced/ This will mean that families prepared to work on the land or on any of the above, can move out into the country.”

If working on the fields doesn’t appeal, there are other options. You can register as a plumber:

“People with aptitude register to be trained as plumbers and plumbing parts manufacturers. The whole country is to be replumbed for circular systems of use naturally treated in wetlands. This means that the same water will be used over and over again for toilets, paper and solids will be separated locally and composted. No more pit latrines, chemical toilets sewerage in aquifers, rivers or sea and plenty of food for microbes.”

And also no composting toilets and biomass incinerators?

Plumber doesn’t appeal? How about drug manufacturer?

“Because drug abuse shortens life span, people who wish to take drugs and are prepared to watch a film showing what eventually happens to drug takers get a licence for free drugs.”

Good to know that the motivation behind free drugs is not primarily reduction of harm to society, or care for the addicts, but because it’ll speed them on their way off this plane leaving more space on the fields for the rest of us to toil on.

I think I’ll choose the free drugs.

(On the off chance that the party doesn’t sweep to power and their website doesn’t stand the test of time, here’s a screenshot of the page as of 19 April 2019)

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