Five years after he was dumped by Emily Maynard on national television, race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. has emerged from cryogenic sleep to assume his rightful mantle as The Bachelor.

A lot has changed since 2012 on this flaming, Earth-shaped piece of poop somebody left as a prank on God’s doorstep, but in the magical world that Chris Harrison has built for us out of rose petals and flat champagne, at least one thing has remained the same. The mouth-wateringly beautiful meals served on dates and in the Bachelor mansion almost always remain bafflingly untouched. Take this journey with a full heart and an empty stomach.

[Spoilers ahead!]

During this dramatic three-hour finale presentation, both women sit down for meals with Arie’s family, as is Bachelor law. I confess that I don’t have the slightest idea what it is that Lauren is (not) eating here, largely because I am transfixed by the family of unequivocally haunted dolls looming over her right shoulder.

After a rainy hike to Machu Picchu, Lauren and Arie share the final moments of their final date with a pair of meat logs.