I’ve made four short films, directed branded content, and a bunch of other stuff. This year at TIFF, I'll screen my first feature, titled Mary Goes Round. It’s about an alcoholic substance abuse counselor who fucks up her life after a DUI and returns to seaside New Jersey to take care of her dying and estranged father. It’s about forgiving your family (and yourself, for that matter) for making mistakes. A little over two years ago, I wrote “FADE OUT” on this very script. And now I am showing to the world at TIFF. What a world. It feels great to have a little momentum in my career as a filmmaker after many, many years. That being said, the road behind me is paved with rejections and I know the ones that are coming up will look like a Michael Bay-directed Cyclops in 3D.

(silence)

Don’t worry - that’s just me taking a moment to be grateful for every “yes,” “no,” or total accident that got me here.

BUT… I have to remind myself that my great TIFF-shaped stamp of approval does not make me a better filmmaker than anyone else, impervious to future and incessant rejection, or should even give me much more worth as an artist. I really love Mary Goes Round and my short last year, 3-Way (Not Calling). But I love all my other films too. They are imperfect, but like children who can’t do a cartwheel, or have two left feet, I still love them. I made them and we are all narcissists.

When you make a thing, or want to make a thing, a sect of people who maybe make things (or don’t), get to decide if you get money, into a festival, or a good review. Some of these people, whose lives are probably often spent avoiding business cards or Vimeo links at cocktail parties, have a very difficult job. They are not stupid, or out of touch, or even God. Remember when Oz turned out just to be a guy from Omaha, Nebraska? The motley crew of producers, festival programmers, film critic, and cultural grant financiers ended up where they needed to be.

I struggle with crippling insecurity, entitlement, overwhelming bouts of gratitude, and self-doubt. Yes, I’m also known as an “Occasional Walking Nightmare.” I am not ashamed to reveal these things. I remember receiving a big bag of NOPES from a great program that would’ve helped close the gap in financing my feature.

I know the routine. My stomach drops, a flush of heat grows on my face (not the sexy kind), and I feel like a loser with a lunchtray who doesn’t know where to sit. No email a filmmaker wants to get begins with, “thank you for submitting your project for consideration.” What follows is a series of confusingly positive phrases such as: “difficult decision”, “volume of submissions”, “serious consideration,” and “kindest regards.” What I hear, however, other than my own stomach dropping, is usually a self-flagellating narrative involving, “why did you think you’d get that anyways?” Or “I bet X got it, they get everything,” and sometimes, “I should get that certificate in social media management, just in case.”

Well, asshat McGee, they got it because they are good, or are deserving, or worked hard, or their previous 18 projects had been turned down, or their second cousin is on the board. That’s the way it is. The acknowledgment of someone else’s idea does not speak to your goodness, or merit. You are brave and maybe a little nuts for making a sacred thing and asking strangers to see its value. Please never, ever stop the delusional pursuit of your own voice. Find the person who hears it and then tells you kindly how to make it sound even better.