Riverdale is finally back from its winter hiatus, and so too is my will to live. Bless. Last we left off, Archie almost got buried alive by the Black Hood, and Veronica decided that murder gets her wet she actually loves Archie. Idiot. The Black Hood was captured…maybe. Tbh I have my doubts because all the police work leading up to this arrest was done by a bunch of high school sophomores with access to their school’s newspaper lab. So yeah, color me skeptical. Cheryl is now poor but like, in a way that still allows her to buy elaborate insect brooches that probably cost more than my goddamn rent. K. She’s also stalking Josie harder than I stalk my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on social media. And, finally, Jughead and Betty are still broken up, because apparently The CW doesn’t want us to have nice things. Whatever. I guess I’ll just have to settle for deep stalking the actors on Instagram IRL and living vicariously through them and their adorbs vacation in Hawaii. Anyway, shall we get to the shit talking deep analysis of a TV drama whose age demographic skews more towards middle schoolers than my twentysomething ass?

The episode opens with Cheryl reminding me why I watch this whole damn show by slut shaming her mother for PROSTITUTING HERSELF OUT to pay for Cheryl’s Christmas gifts. Ah Riverdale, it’s good to be home.

MRS. BLOSSOM: Well I finally made enough money to pay for your Christmas tree and all the fucking gifts you bought yourself.

CHERYL: Yeah… but you had to prostitute yourself out to do it. You’re so gross, mother!

MRS. BLOSSOM:

Archie finally finds out that Veronica paid off his dad’s medical bills. She’s like, “Are you mad that I stole my daddy’s black card and paid off $80k of your dad’s medical bills with my dad’s blood money?” So casual, V.

Also, I love watching Archie mentally calculate what he has to offer in this relationship other than his dick. Honestly, she just spent $80k on him while the two of them were broken up, so obviously he’s doing something right. Archie, you’re doing amazing sweetie!!

South Side High has officially shut down and is merging with Riverdale High. I’m hoping this transition will be about as peaceful as when Degrassi High merged with Lakehurst High, otherwise I won’t be pleased.

HOLY SHIT. Polly is back, and she is definitely not pregnant anymore. Interesting. Also, she joined a cult? She’s like “I have to go where my babies can be accepted.” So like, did you join a cult, or more of a traveling three-ring circus? You can be honest with us, Polly. This is a safe space.

POLLY: I didn’t join a cult, but I am moving to a farm in the middle of nowhere and giving the leader all of my life savings.

BETTY:

Sooo the FBI is looking into Hiram? Seems like small potatoes compared to the Jingle Jangle operation growing out of the high school’s basement, but okay. The FBI wants Archie to help them take Hiram down, which is fucking laughable. Like, did the FBI even do their homework on him? Have they not seen his sexually charged fight club Red Hood propaganda video?? Cause I’m pretty sure those made it to YouTube.

Lol the outrage Jughead feels towards the Powers That Be of Riverdale for shutting down his drug-ridden high school is akin to the outrage I feel towards ABC for shutting down my dreams of making Peter the next Bachelor. We’re on the same page, Juggie!

RIVERDALE COUNTY: We are shutting down South Side High because of the meth lab in the basement of the school.

JUGHEAD: Oh the injustice! There was no meth, just Jingle Jangle!!

Yes, Jughead, but the side effects of Jingle Jangle are equally dangerous. Just look at Bella Thorne, poster girl for Jingle Jangle drug use (I assume).

A post shared by BELLA (@bellathorne) on Dec 25, 2017 at 10:51am PST

Tragic.

Archie starts grilling the Lodges about their shady AF business dealings at the family dinner table, and he’s doing it with zero subtlety. Yeah your case is fucked, FBI.

The Serpents show up to Riverdale High and there is more angst and tension in this room than when Troy Bolton had to tell his teammates that he had the music in him. Archie decides to implant himself into this little North Side/South Side smackdown and is just like “chill guys. We’re all in this together!” Normally I’m always down for a song-and-dance number to break out during a moment of confrontation on any show where hot twentysomethings are playing hot high schoolers, but like, I think I’d rather just watch Cheryl emotionally eviscerate these people. I ask for so little these days.

So Cheryl 100% saw Archie and Betty make out, and honestly, I hope she tells Veronica. There’s nothing I love more than watching a beautiful fuckboy get his comeuppance. Drag him, Cheryl. DRAG HIM.

Betty is still searching for her brother and her parents are PISSED. Calling it now, this prom baby is JP and Alice’s son. Hal is way too pissed at the prospect of this reunion for the kid to be his.

Archie asks Cheryl if she wants to hit up Nick Sinclair for more hush money so he can have a plausible excuse to drill him for information on Hiram’s shady business dealings, and it’s the first not-terrible idea he’s had since he decided to quit his music career. Blessings.

Y’ALL THEY FOUND THE BROTHER. So just real quick before I analyze this Dr. Phil-worthy Cooper reunion scene, lemme just drop my casual conspiracy theory about the long-lost Cooper child upon you all. You’re welcome in advance. Remember how I said I don’t trust the detective skills of two kids who just passed their driver’s test? And, like, maybe the Black Hood is still out there in the world? Yeah? Well my theory is that the Black Hood is Chic Cooper, the long-lost Cooper brother (and low-key also Jughead and Betty’s half sibling). You can fight me in the comments about this, but come the season finale when Betty loses her v-card to Jughead, they’ll find out they share a sibling and he’s trying to kill them all. CALLING IT NOW.

Like, tell me this guy doesn’t look like he would murder you in your sleep??

Anyway, back to this disturbing AF scene. Why is Betty’s brother living in some disgusting fucking motel? Is he a prostitute? Is he hooked on the Jingle Jangle?? I NEED ANSWERS.

Ah, so he IS a prostitute. I have so many questions about this, but mostly, why are there so many prostitution rings in a town whose population is, like, 10 families? Riddle me that, CW.

Archie pays a visit to Nick Sinclair, our favorite resident date rapist. Jesus. The intimidation tactics Archie is employing on Nick rn are killing me. He’s trying to pretend like he gives a fuck about Cheryl and her money but is also very obviously asking him about Hiram Lodge and his involvement in Nick’s “skiing accident.” I’m honestly getting emotional whiplash from his behavior.

ARCHIE: I don’t want any trouble if you could just please maybe help me out and sign this check for me please?

ALSO ARCHIE: WTF DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIRAM LODGE??

I will say that I’m v impressed that Archie beat the shit out of someone with two broken legs, date rapist or not. I bet that was good for his ego.

Veronica confronts Archie about why he’s been acting weird AF. And Archie is just like I MADE OUT WITH BETTY BUT I’M DEFINITELY NOT HELPING THE FBI RUIN YOUR DAD. Smooth, Archie, v v smooth.

Jughead is treating this whole “no gang” rule at school like it’s infringement on his constitutional rights or something. First of all, Jughead, you’re 16 so fucking chill. Second of all, I’m pretty sure it’s super common for public, state-run high schools to not promote gang affiliations. But by all means, brood away.

Surprise, sur-fucking-prise. Archie doesn’t think he got the right guy for the Black Hood.

Can’t wait for this plot line to be dragged out for six more episodes.

Okay, Chic is fucking terrifying. Is this how the episode is going to end? With him watching Betty sleep in a very sib-cest kind of way?? If you need me I’ll just be on my soap box trolling Reddit trying to gain traction for my Riverdale conspiracy theories. BYE.