What time is it? It's "reading a crappy AAR with cringeworthy attempts at comedy and boring mechanic explanations" time!



AAR Time,

C'mon grab your beer

We're going to very

boring lands. With

M and T and

Daniel the Finn

The pain will never

end, it's AAR

Time!



We begin with a council. During the game you get these councils popping up due to reform desire and church crises such as the Schism. The reform desire is already at 11%. Because the value isn't balanced for history you usually get the reformation in the 15th century.



(Also, ISIS member /u/AllahuVult corrected me and said other continents besides Europe can get plagues too, apologies for my mistake in the last part. He also asked me to join his organization but I refused. The plane ticket to Syria is too expensive.)



The church councils are just like modern councils where rich people from around the world gather to blabber and solve nothing. Both are horribly ineffective and usually pointless. You'll later see why.



John doesn't really care about what the bishops of his duchy will do at the council. In his eyes the church is beyond redemption and corrupt. Religion is all a big hoax and a scam anyways. *tips fedora*

The bailiff of Bro Gernev hasn't been doing his job properly. Or, well, he was doing it properly because John had asked his bailiffs to ensure more money would end up in his treasury. This bailiff had been doing his job a little bit too eagerly and angered many peasants and traders. John, of course, reprimanded and fired him instead of taking the blame.



(execution seems a bit too extreme, don't you think, Paradox? Well, they're Swedes I guess. Beneath the blonde, kind and pacifist surface lies a ruthless monster with viking blood, a monster that burned Germany and Poland and ruled the Baltic 400 years ago.)

Iberia is free of plague but is pretty devastated. I'd be devastated too if half of my family suddenly died of a horrible disease.

i think this is the last time i show a tech unlock

The clergy and nobility of Brittany as well as foreign dignitaries pressure John into choosing a side in the Schism. Many other rulers have already declared to either support the Pope in Avignon or the Pope in Rome. John rolls his eyes, sighs and apathetically announces that he thinks Paulus II is the rightful Pope. That way he won't anger his namesake sitting on the French throne.

Paris is beginning to recover and is back to 17 urban pop. Plague doesn't damage infrastructure so urban gravity stays the same and growth is quick.



Meanwhile in Ireland the English have sent an army to the lands of House of Butler. The Dublin government had requested this to restore the authority of England there. Now that the hundred years' war is on break and the plague has passed, the crown can afford to do so.



The King did not approve this because the King is 11 years old and too busy playing with his wooden horse. Instead, his regent (regentess?) Adelaide d'Albret, consort of the late King Charles did. Also, looks like the Lancasters are back.

King John of France is bored as well. He decides to do kill two flies with one hit and both blob and remove bordergore by taking the Three Bishoprics. The local prince-bishops were from the House of Lorraine or their cadet brances, and that house had close relations with the Valois. After a dispute with the Emperor the three asked John to kindly annex their asses. The Emperor was not amused.



For some reason I feel like it was a terrible mistake to let France win the Hundred years' war.

John's wife Anne was a very charismatic woman and easily persuaded John to favour her family of Leon. He gave them gifts, privileges and rights which other nobles never got. Many of the more powerful families weren't pleased at all about this and thought John was becoming Anne's puppet.



hey look only 35% chance to lose stability that's not too bad

FUCK



if you can't tell I love these loyalty drop events

Bishop Erwan of Montfort might hate John (especially because he supports the Pope in Rome) but at least he does his job well

Uh oh the Anti-Pope is in trouble



>711 troops



Nevermind.

Prague on the other hand is in trouble. Joan of Arc is back in Bohemia to kick the Emperor's ass.



That's right, Joan, the Emperor is evil. Don't question it, just be a kind girl and do what the King says.

The lord of house Butler isn't too pleased about English soldiers trampling on his castle's garden and decides to burn down Dublin in revenge.

AHHH WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING



JESUS CHRIST I GOT AT LEAST A HUNDRED MESSAGES IN ONE DAY



I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.



Phew, it's finally over because Nuremberg is in a personal union under Oettigen. What a weird fucking bug.

Aaaand they're bankrupt.



Pretty sure bankruptcy works as it does in vanilla, by the way.

Butler has been subjugated. I wonder what the regent of England will do next?



Most irish provinces get a "clan land" modifer giving unrest and autonomy. Its description has a request for its creator to write a witty description for it.



Not only that, but Irish minors also get a unique government which prevents them from allying with anyone except other irish minors.



Basically, don't play in Ireland. The English will mistake you for fish and chips and eat you.

M E C H A N I C E X P L A N A T I O N



"Largest city" modifiers come in three tiers, and each tier has a minimum requirement. 5 urban pop for largest regional city, 10 pop for largest sub-continental city and 15 pop for largest continental city. So, let's say there's four cities in a region with 5, 7, 12 and 20 urban pop in each. The city with 7 pop will get the largest regional city modifer, the city with 12 pop can get the largest sub-continental city modifer and the one with 20 pop can get-- fuck it you know what it can get. And obviously each tier gives a bigger bonus.



So let's see if Prague loses this modifier.

oh shit austria-hungary is no more. I'm not sure what happened but there you go. Curiously, the new King's last name is basically "Hungarian" and he is an Administrator with 1 admin skill.

Prague's population is down to 50,000 but it didn't lose its "largest city" modifier. Also Joan of Arc is giving a beating to the Emperor and his army. Or, well, she never wanted to harm anyone and was never the person in charge, at least historically. She just gave good advice to commanders that often gave the French victory.



Doesn't stop all kinds of people from seeing her as some kind of warrior princess

IMMINENT KEBAB COMING



PREPARE FOR DELICACY, GREEK SCUM



Byzantium might seem easier to play in M&T: you have more territory, the Ottomans are weaker and divided, and you have big wealthy cities. But in truth it's really hard. You're drowning in corruption, the Ottomans have free claims and a big army and the Bulgarians breathe down your neck.

There's a battle next door in Anjou followed by a siege. John decides to not intervene, fearing the stronger enemy force.

Dei Gratia loves walls of text. Don't you love walls of text? What, you don't? You are no history nerd, liar!



John strictly forbids this dumb spiritualist shit which doesn't exactly please the clergy

i was lying before, here's another tech unlock: poll taxes. We get a new idea group! Yay!

Oh wait I need to unlock naval ideas in order to get exploration ideas. Ugh.



One guy said "naval ideas don't seem so bad". -10% shipbuilding time? Wow, that's really damn good. He was right after all.



fuck you

M E C H A N I C E X P L A N A T I O N



Policies have been changed in M&T. They're now a good way to increase stablity gain while paying mana and suffering from penalties. You can also increase your "absolutism" with a policy.



John, ever hungry for more money to fill his empty coffers, decides to centralize the duchy and lessen the power of the nobility.

Centralization has myriad effects on your nation. More centralization decreases autonomy and gives you other buffs, but also destabilizes your nation. Generally you want to increase it because unrest is easy to deal with and anything that reduces autonomy and thus weakens the estates is good.



What a shock, the council resolved nothing, like many of the recent climate change conferences.

The Emperor couldn't handle losing to a woman and committed seppuku. He was replaced by a new Emperor and the war with France continues.

M E C H A N I C E X P L A N A T I O N



I've done some research so here's a more detailed explanation about how alliance limits work (it's ridiculous how inaccecible some of the info about this mod is): alliance limit is affected by your nation rank (margrave, duke, king etc.), diplo tech, your court level and the level of your capitol. Some nations also have restrictions on alliances, such as the HRE, Irish minors and China.

You build capitols via the province interaction menu. As you can see, it's really fucking expensive so only large empires can (and should) build them.

Romans end up from a dike into a pond, or as you anglos and yanks say it, from the pan into the fire.

One more reason why Rome is challenging: Ottomans get free claims on your land and thus get provinces for free via war dynamism.

Yup, nobody gained or lost anything. That's right.

But don't expect Constantinople fall any time soon. It has a lvl 6 (!) fort at the start, although they can lose the Theodosian walls from an event.

There ain't no breaks on the Ottoman rape train! CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS

Let's try this whole council thing again. It worked so well last time.



The province that gets the council has modifiers giving free papal influence and prestige. However, larger kingdoms (i think) can refuse to send bishops and force the council to be relocated to a hopefully better (usually worse) place.



John groans when his bishops bother him by asking for instructions and sends them on their way.

The new Emperor has made peace after half of his country was occupied. The fate of the Three Bishoprics is sealed.

Sometimes you might take a look at your estate, notice they have a fuck load of cash in the bank and wonder why they're not spending it. That's because the estate doesn't spend all of its money at once and also always builds in bulk if possible. For example, the French nobles built two plantation upgrades at the same time.



Nobles almost always upgrade rural industry, which in turn makes peasants wealthier, which in turn increases FE. However, remember that rural industry consumes food that might be better used for cities.

hey look the pope is dead and we got a new pope. maybe if you elected younger popes you wouldn't need to replace them all the time.



The new Pope of Rome still claims to be the true Pope, so the Schism continues.

Suddenly the Serbian empire has an aneurysm and collapses. Rome claims the throne and is at war again. Pretty ambitious of them, considering how the Ottos wrecked their army.

Serbia starts with a load of vassals representing the historical Empire, but sometimes shit like this happens and that stern serbian soldier guy playing the accordion sheds a solitary tear.

John has finally accumulated enough money to pay off his debts to the Jewish bankers from France. He is now free to spend money on whatever he likes and go into debt again.



Hungary decides to join in the shitfest happening down south. War and chaos in the Balkans, how shocking.



I told you Hungary can blob if they remain independent.



The Three Bishoprics now belong to France. The bordergore persists but is slightly better. Good job John!



Sadly Joan of Arc passed away later that year. While she wouldn't be a martyr like she was in our timeline, both the Anti-Pope and the Pope in Rome declare her to be a saint.

WHAT AN AMAZING BONUS HOLY SHIT



We're ahead in mil tech so might as well get us closer to exploration ideas



Richard III has risen to the thrones of England and Portugal. All his experience from playing with a wooden toy horse has made him a military mastermind and a skilled strategist.

The "fuck the Pope(s)" movement is gaining traction but John doesn't care, to the dismay of many priests in Brittany. "PICK A SIDE DAMMIT" they scream, like american voters screamed at 45% of the murican populace that didn't vote last year. And like that 45%, John still doesn't care.

Meanwhile in Livonia Frankenstein is secretly engaging in some pretty heretical activities and tries to use alchemy to create life.



And no the monster is not called Frankenstein, its creator is. Read the fucking book or watch the old movie you uncultured swine.



The Prince of Theodoro converts to catholicism for some reason



Also holy shit the heir is 65 years old

What a resounding success! The Schism will end in no time!

The religious tensions within Brittany continue to rise. Priests and bishops, lead by Erwan, are demanding John to stop being France's slut and support the real Pope in Rome. He unfortunately has run out of fucks to give.



John relaxes by working in his office and reforms the army admin, which also increases income.

(insert joke about kurdish nationalism here)

Seems like the religious conflicts have flared up in this province. Let me explain why.

(insert joke about sunni vs. shia conflict)



M E C H A N I C E X P L A N A T I O N



Many provinces have religious minorities, such as provinces which you have converted. These minorities are either persecuted, left alone or befriended, depending on how pious you are and if you have chosen a policy of intolerance or tolerance (a decision). There's various sizes ranging from 10% to 40% (or maybe 50%) of the populace. The bigger the minority the larger its effects, either negative or positive. While the effects are small, percecuted minorities can spawn religious chaos giving a big increase to unrest. Minorities can be evicted or converted via decisions, although they don't always go smoothly.



The upper class of Brittany is more educated and cultured than ever. Charles' and John's investent into education seems to be paying off. Maybe we don't need a university after all?

Paris now has embraced banking. Expect the rest of the country to follow suit soon.

hey look the pope is dead and we got a new pope. maybe if you elected younger popes you wouldn't need to replace them all the time.



The new Pope is pretty shitty, a cynical asshat who loves wine, money and women, which increases support for the Anti-Pope among the clergy of Christendom.



John's wife commissioned a beautiful painting of Virgin Mary. Too bad John sold it a while later. More money is always good.

Rome can't do much so it and Thessaly make peace. Bulgaria was cockblocked by Ottos and can't do much either so they also make peace with Rome and go to war with Wallachia, or what remained of it after Bulgaria fucked them up earlier.

hey look the pope is dead and we got a new pope. maybe if you elected younger popes you wouldn't need to replace them all the time.



Oh god I'm gonna have to repeat this dumb shit twice as often now don't I

Austria is taking the threat of Ulm very seriously.



Also WOAH look at the skills of that burgermaster

Not only is John an edgy atheist and a wastrel, but also a pussy. Real worthy of successor of his father isn't he.



I miss Charles and his beard.

The AI can't do policies properly so instead they use a decision to centralize the state.

Dei Gratia adds a bunch of religions, such as Dualist christianity seen here. Ragusa is having a real identity crisis.

Nobles in Brittany and the clergy aren't too fond of John, the former because of his government reforms and the latter because of his cynicism and stance on the Schism. One courtier has spread rumour that John is a cruel despot allied with Satan. John is alright with this, so his wife is forced to attempt and improve his reputation again.

B T O P О Б Ъ Л Г А Р С К О Ц А Р С Т В О





This image is guaranteed to give an erection to Bulgarian nationalists.



WHOAH HOLY CRAP +5% SAILOR RECOVERY SPEED? +10% COLONIAL RANGE? WHOAH WOAH WHOO

John's wife manages to calm down many of the angry greater nobles in Brittany with some "favours" if you know what I mean. Also, much of the clergy now supports the Anti-Pope instead of the Pope in Rome and thus also aren't angry at John.



We're back to 0 stability. Now begins the long road to 1 stability.

i'm not plannng to build a university any time soon but it's not like there's any other missions and the bonus is somewhat neat

I was wondering why Aquitaine was reluctant to declare independence, then I realized Aragon had allied with England. No wonder they were hesitant.



Maybe it's time to rethink the whole plan with Aquitaine...

There we go, France has embraced banking. Their cyborgs aka technological population is now faster.



If you're wondering what the hell happened with that message, "development" was replaced with "population" in the mod's localization. The modders were probably a bit lazy and replaced all instances of the word without checking.



We might get banking sooner rather than later, but more likely later. Don't hold your breath (assuming reading this AAR hasn't made you fall asleep already).

In 1390 John told lord Edouard of Aquitaine that the treaty between their fathers was no longer valid. This hurt the relations quite a bit, but John was fine with this as he had plans for Edouard's lordship. Plans which would fill the coffers that had an odd tendency to go empty all the time. It was a plan that scared him but also tempted him.



So, my new plan: we continue the hundred years' war by eventually declaring war on Aquitane, loot the shit out of them, take a small port province we want and give the rest to France.

The Pope in Rome has excommunicated the Rector of Ragusa for being a dirty heretic.



You get this event every time a catholic nation converts. During the reformation it gets pretty crazy and spammy.

John fears his army won't be large enough for the war and thus decides to buff his army by relieving a bunch of rich people from taxes if they provide a cavalryman for him.



I also begin fabricating a claim on Aquitaine.

Claim fabrication is twice as expensive in M&T because fuck you, that's why. We need to wait for a while.

Sadly it seems like we won't be going to war in a while, as France's military adventures have resulted in a huge debt.



Nevertheless expect the Hundred Years' War to continue in the next part.