Fans of professional wrestling have been eagerly anticipating the much-hyped Royal Rumble pay-per-view, which airs on the WWE Network tonight but was actually taped yesterday — and we’ve got the leaked results!

If you’re trying to avoid spoilers, you should stop reading right now because some pretty surprising developments unfolded last night (Kurt Angle and Steve Austin — just wow!), and it will be more fun to watch them happen “live” on tonight’s pre-recorded broadcast.

But if you really want to know, here’s the match-by-match rundown. Try to act surprised when you see all of this later tonight!

Rich Swann defeats Neville by reminding Gravity of Neville’s existence, thereby rendering Neville incapable of doing his flippy-dippy stuff

Bayley defeats Charlotte Flair by sobbing “I’m sorry, I love you,” and superkicking Flair into retirement

Roman Reigns and Kevin Owens battle to a no-contest draw after both men are devoured by a rogue shark. Chris Jericho is unhurt.

John Cena defeats AJ Styles in 13 seconds with a pair of flawless springboard stunners.

Against all odds, cruiserweight Ariya Daivari wins the Royal Rumble match, but is immediately deported to Iran. President Donald Trump issues an executive order declaring Rusev as the winner.

The Royal Rumble Pre-Show, which began 17 hours ago, features a 90-minute segment with Booker T demonstrating how to shuck a duck.

Keep it (un)real! Wear the shirt!