SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR AHEAD

So this crazy purple dude is going after some super magic jewellery. There’s this Asgardian spaceship, and this crazy purple dude just comes along, makes his entrance real dramatic, and you know me, I love that kind of showmanship. Ok, ok, sorry. So he tortures Thor, and Thor be like “Aaahhh,” and so Loki be like, “Fine you crazy purple dude, here’s my cube.” So he gives him the cube, and his creepy followers be like, “wow, you have two gemstones.” and he just looks at them, ’cause they’re crazy fine. He then kills Loki by squeezing his neck, and Thor goes “noooo,” but the crazy purple dude be like, “yes.”

So then Iron Man is with his girl, and he’s like, “girl, we should have a baby,” and she just goes “no.” Then this Strange guy and Hulk when he’s, like, you know, a normal guy come and take him away to learn about the crazy purple dude’s magic jewellery. But then a Donut spaceship pulls up in the city and it’s saying, “yo, evil dudes are here.” Then they have this fight, and Spidey shows up, and he be like, “sup.” Meanwhile, Iron Man says to Bruce, “Hulk out, man,” and Bruce just goes, “man, I wish I could, but I’m having real performance issues, ‘know what I’m saying?” So while they’re talking this creepy zombie priest type dude goes up to the Strange guy, says: “give me your magic necklace or I’ll pin you up bro,” but the guy goes “No way, man, I cursed this thing so you can’t take it.” The creepy zombie priest takes the Strange guy up to his Donut spaceship, but Iron Man and Spidey follow him up there, committing to it, like, I respect that.

Meanwhile, this guy Peter, and his crew just be on his spaceship, going through space, and he says to this racoon dude, “yo, this is a distress call, people could be dead, know what I’m saying?” This tree guy just sits there playing games on his space tablet, and I relate to that, but you know me, I’m more of an IPhone guy, have been since, like, they closed down that Samsung store back in Queens. It was a sign, bro. Ok, fine, back on track, cool. So they find Thor, and Thor’s like, “Everyone I know is dead,” and then they start telling jokes. So they part ways, some guys going to see this Benicio Del Toro type, who collects stuff like my cousin Pablo collects restraining orders. Thor, the Racoon dude and the tree guy go to make this crazy freaky hammer, which is awesome.

So Vision and Wanda are, you know, in love now. In the heart of all romance, Scotland, where my half brother Marco was conceived, but that’s another story. And they’re real romantic, Vision says “I love you,” and Wanda goes “yeah, you’re pretty cool too.” But then some of the crazy purple dude’s goons come, and they start fighting, and Vision’s just like, “stop trying to wedge that gem out my forehead,” but they just say “We’re gonna kill you, sorry dude.” Fortunately, my friend Vasquez was at a bar the night before, you know, chewing the scenery, because you know he’s like that, ‘know what I’m saying? So he heard from this stupid fine chick, who said, “yo, Vasquez, I know a guy who knows Captain America,” and he be like, “I need you to tell him that Vision will be in, like super huge danger tomorrow, legit know what I’m saying?” She didn’t, ’cause Vasquez was drunk and couldn’t speak so good, but he’s always like that, so she got the gist. So she went to tell this guy who knows Cap, Rico, “so man, Cap’s gotta be at this location, or there’s gonna be a Christmas coloured tragedy, got it?” And Rico nodded, said “damn, girl, you making me fly a plane to Scotland?” So he flies a plane to Scotland, and tells Cap, “man, you better be at the spot tonight, at that train station, ’cause some stuff going down.” So my friend Vasquez told this stupid fine check to tell Rico to fly to Scotland to tell Cap that Vision would be in a scrape. And he said yes. 🙂

So Cap and his crew save them, right, and be like, “Vision, we gotta take you to see Bruce and War Machine, man,” and Vision goes, “Yeah, I really need immediate medical attention, but sure, let’s go see them.” So they all go, “Wakanda forever,” and do that super cool X-Men symbol. So they’re gonna go to T’Challa’s place, and he’s saying, “yo, Bucky, ‘you tired of, like, having one arm, ‘know what I’m saying?” And Bucky goes, “You bet I am,” and he get’s a cool new metal limb. So that’s pretty tight, you know?

Meanwhile Peter and his crew pull up in Knowhere, and they’re thinking “Oh my God, Thanos is here, we gotta take him out.” But their plan sucks, and the crazy purple dude’s like, “come at me man, I’m a pro.” He kidnaps Gamora, and I’m thinking, damn, that went from 0 to 100 fast, and the whole crew is just like, “yo, we need to find Peter’s girl.” So they go try and do that, right? So meanwhile, remember that creepy zombie priest type dude? He’s on the Donut spaceship, and he goes, “give me the Time Stone, or I’ll mess you up.” Doctor Strange goes, “oooowww” real loud, ’cause he’s getting some messed up Pinhead type stuff done to him, but fortunately, Iron Man and Spidey save him, like in the movie Alien, so that turns out ok. Man, Alien made me growing up, but you know I’m more of a Star Wars guy, no disrespect to Alien.

Right, I’m back, sorry man. So Cap and his friends go to Wakanda, through a Mountain. Like in the Black Panther movie. Do you remember? Like in that. So anyway, Shuri’s saying, “I ain’t no gold prospector, but I can get that Stone out of your head, man,” and they’re all thinking, “yeah, she’s legit.” So they’re all gonna try and defend her whilst she discovers another of the billion uses of Vibranium and all that.

Elsewhere, the crazy purple dude is tearing up Gamora’s Robo-Sister, ’cause she knows where he can find this pretty purple gem, right? At this point, this dude is serious about his goals, like, more serious than I was about getting my half cousin Fabio on a diet. After she goes, “fine, I’ll show you where you can find this Stone,” they go to this place Vormir, and they meet this Skull dude who’s saying, “Kill something you love, and that seals the deal, man.” Convenient, is it not, that Gamora happens to be with the purple dude at that time, ’cause he get’s all sad and sacrifices her. And everyone’s crying, like, you thought Loki’s death was harsh, this, like, takes it up a notch, like this is going from Nandos mild to enough Piri Piri to make your head explode, man. You know, when I go to Nandos, I like my chicken – oh, right, yeah, back on topic, tell the story, got you, right.

Thor and his guys land at this forge, but its real creepy, and they ain’t sure it’s legit, until they’re punched by this giant dwarf guy, like something out of Game of Thrones. So he goes, “yo, Asgard: where were you guys when I was in need?” And Thor basically says, “Everyone I know is dead” again. So they try and restart the forge or whatever, and it doesn’t work first time, but then it immediately works second time, which is pretty cool. Thor get’s this crazy new hammer, with a handle made from the limb of a walking, talking tree. It’s all good.

So Iron Man, the Strange guy and Spidey arrive on this place Titan, which is crazy old, right? But they meet Peter and his crew, and some stuff goes down, know what I’m saying? They fight, and it’s pretty awesome, and then they interrogate each other. Peter be like, “where is Gamora?” Iron Man be like, “I’ll do you one better, who is Gamora?” This other guy Drax, who can go invisible if he stands still and all that, says, “I’ll do you one better, why is Gamora?” Eventually, they all realise they’re on the same team, and all hate the crazy purple dude. Whilst they do a plan, the Strange guy, like, looks into the future, although I can’t see that being important, am I right? Pretty savage though, ’cause they can only win one of like, millions of possibilities.

So back in Wakanda, Black Panther’s shouting, “Yibambe,” and Cap, Bucky and all those dudes are ready for battle, getting pumped, you know? So then there’s this super awesome fight, and Bruce is in the Hulkbuster armour, and can pilot it expertly without any training. Why? I don’t know, man. The point is, this legit battle in Wakanda, and these crazy freaky Outriders come and T’Challa and those guys manage to hold them off for a bit. Suddenly, conveniently everyone is floored, and not like my friend Vasquez. But also conveniently, Thor and his guys make this cool Bifrost entrance to save the day, like when I was at this Wine tasting session with my cousin Ernesto, and it was mainly reds, and you know I don’t usually go for that kind of stuff, but there was a ros that managed to reclaim the experience, it was delightful man. Yeah, back to the story, I know, cool. So Thor with his limb-handled hammer destroys some stuff. Like he got some serious anger problems. Someone put that guy into the Odinsleep for a while, am I right? Right. Meanwhile, there’s a Vision situation going on, but Cap, like, saves the day, so that’s pretty on point.

Right, Titan again. The crazy purple dude arrives, and he’s like “I want the Time Stone, man, just hand it over and I might not kill you later or something,” but the Strange Doctor just goes, “back up violet Bruce Willis, you ain’t coming away from this scrape with another gem dude.” So the Peter crew and Iron Man’s lot team up and fight Thanos, and it’s like, super awesome, like more cool than the time I… Yeah, I got you, back on track, no doubt, got it. So they pin Thanos down, but just as Iron Man and Spidey are about to remove the crazy purple dude’s Magic Golden Mitten, Peter loses it when he finds out that this guy killed his girl – jeez that’s dark, like, I’m worried they’re gonna start killing kittens or something in a sec. He be like, “I’m gonna kill you by hitting you with my gun!” So the crazy purple dude wakes up, and he, I ain’t messing with you, throws a moon at Iron Man before stabbing him through the heart. He must really hate Tony Stark, like, committing to disliking this guy, you know. Wait a second… no, wait, Somebody, stop him from – oh, Doctor Strange did. Ok. So they lost the Time Stone, and like, gave it up and all that. That escalated quickly.

So Thanos be going to Wakanda, like, “‘sup, I’m here for that pretty little yellow Sari dude,” so Vision just goes, “yo, Wanda, you have to destroy it or some stuff is gonna drop, know what I’m saying?” So whilst Wanda’s destroying the Stone and all that, the heroes are, fighting Thanos, and it’s cool, you know? Cap just holds back the Gauntlet, being a real Patriot, right, like the best bearded American since my boy Abraham Lincoln. So Wanda’s like “my powers are so awesome, that Stone be gone bro,” but then Thanos does like, some messed up Doctor Who type stuff, and reverses time and all that, get’s the Stone. Pretty convenient if you’re asking me, ’cause I one of those dudes that gets the job done, ‘know what I mean? Like, me and the guys were robbing this Old Guy, went through with it and all that, and got it done. Except our guy Scott got caught, and then he became Ant-Man. At least I still got my van. Anyway, getting back to the story, right? So Thor be like, “I’m gonna stab you with my crazy new hammer, man,” and he does that, but then Thanos be mumbling something, and, like, clicks his fingers. Wait, What?

Hold up; where’s Bucky going? What’s happening? Wanda, why you – Falcon… no, come back bro. No, tree man, jeez, he’s already died once, cut him some slack dude. Oh my God, they just turned T’Challa into dust, you know. Naah, they faking it. No, not the crazy insect lady. DRAX- – PETER – – STRANGE DOCTOR – – OH HELL NO, NO STAY SPIDEY, STAY MAN, HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO, LOOK AT HIM! Wait… what’s – what’s happening to me – Holy… –

LUIS WILL RETURN.

What do you think? Did I manage to channel Luis in my Infinity War summary? Probably not, but it’s really hard. Let me know anyway in the comments. Thanks for reading.

Here’s the master at work.