Carlos Tévez

I called Carlos up when I saw his latest transfer request. Sympathetic, like. I told him I knew how hard it was having to play for Manchester City. And to remind him that Proust said: “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.” He said that was exactly why he needs to leave: he’s demanded that Man City give him an improved contract and pay for him to have his eyes replaced with lasers. They refused. Total joke. I said in that case, they’ve left you no choice pal. It’s a short career and you have to look after yourself.