What the hell are these netas doing? What horrible games are they playing? What will they tell the young of the nation when confronted? That the next President of India will be appointed based solely on that dreaded ‘C-word’ — caste — forget any other qualification?

Caste has been India’s curse for centuries. Yes, of course we can’t wish it away. But surely we don’t have to brazenly endorse it and shamelessly manipulate caste issues in order to score political victories? As Indians, we desperately crave the watching world’s respect. We want India to be seated at the high table.

We talk about being a superpower. We send rockets into space and launch hundreds of satellites. We expect the world to gasp and applaud.

At the same time, we indulge in caste machinations of the lowest kind when it comes to the appointment of a person to the highest office in the land. We don’t feel embarrassed to openly discuss the ‘advantages’ of having a Dalit President. Without the slightest self-consciousness, we interject a ‘but’ into the dialogue (“Ram Nath Kovind is a Dalit, but…”). What does that significant ‘but’ even mean? Why is it there?

To compound the original sin of the NDA handpicking a candidate only because he belongs to a particular caste, 17 opposition parties get together and propose another Dalit candidate, this time with double qualifications! Not only is ex-Speaker Meira Kumar a Dalit, she is also a woman! Whoopee! It’s called killing two birds with one stone.

Not once during this absurd nomination game did anybody think it unseemly and nauseatingly inappropriate to blatantly flash and exploit the Dalit identities of the two candidates especially selected to play their assigned roles by kingmakers out to milk this golden opportunity during polls.

This is not to denigrate the many virtues of either Ram Nath Kovind (most people, including NCP leader Sharad Pawar, had never heard of the worthy gentleman till his name popped up for the top job), or the soft-spoken Meira Kumar.

Both individuals come with impressive educational and professional credentials. Why not focus on those? Why harp on their Dalit identity? As if there is nothing more to them than being born Dalit.

Add to that the latest Dalit vs Dalit tussle, with sub-castes coming into the picture, and what you get is a horribly regressive, cold-blooded attempt to divide the vote and make hay — at the expense of stability and progress, which every party ostensibly bats for.

The time has come to seek a pan-India opinion poll on the vexing issue of continuing with this outdated and archaic ceremonial job. Do we need a President at all? The ugly fight to capture Rashtrapati Bhavan is not a new one.

It started around the time of Giani Zail Singh (1982), the man who had publicly offered to pick up a broom and sweep the floor for Indira Gandhi. The depth of degradation of this hallowed office was reached when Pratibha Patil became President in 2007, garnering 65.8% votes.

With the exception of N Sanjiva Reddy in 1977, who waltzed unchallenged into office after the returning officer rejected 36 of 37 candidates, the rest have had to scramble for the post after a contest.

Indisputably, the nation’s most loved President to date remains APJ Abdul Kalam, who received 89.6% of the vote, defeating Lakshmi Sahgal in 2002. He certainly deserved a second term, though the only President to have enjoyed the privilege so far has been Rajendra Prasad.

Had the newest contest been a fight between gladiators, it would have been fun to take sides. Now that it has been reduced to a Dalit vs Dalit contest, it hardly matters which candidate wins. One tiny consolation though: there were alarming rumours early in the game that assorted Bollywood personalities and sportstars were hard at work, lobbying for nominations.

Now, while we deeply appreciate our entertainers in both fields, having one of them occupy Rashtrapati Bhavan would have been a bit much, even by today’s chilled-out standards. It’s one thing being kings of social media, quite another assuming the role of President of India. For one, there may not be a script available when required at short notice.

Besides, Rashtrapati Bhavan is not a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film set, even if it does resemble one. Nor is it a stadium, even if it is as large as one. Aging sports icons would need brains more than strong wrists to hit it out of the field during state visits.

Oh well, in the wretched game of numbers it isn’t all that difficult to figure out who will win this round. It is already a dirty caste war. I am not about to convert it into a militant gender war. May the better person win. Rather, may India emerge the winner despite the devious doings of our netas.