( humming happily ) AY !AHHH ! CLOSE THE DOOR,I'M TRYING TO FREEZE ! ERIC, GET OUT OF THERE ! NO- NO, IT'S TOO SOON ! NOW ERIC, THIS HASGONE FAR ENOUGH. YOU NEED TO LEARNTO BE PATIENT. BUTTERS, GET YOUR COATWE GOTTA GO. GO WHERE ? YOU'RE GONNA HELP MEFREEZE MYSELF. OKAY ! WUL, HOW COME WE GOTTA COMEALL THE WAY OUT HERE ? BUTTERS, IF ANYBODY ELSECOMES ACROSS MY FROZEN BODY THEY'LL TRY TOUNFREEZE ME RIGHT AWAY. I HAVE TO BE HIDDEN. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALTHAT'S GOOD... AND NO MATTERWHAT HAPPENS BUTTERS YOU ARE NOT TO UNFREEZE MEUNTIL THE DAY NINTENDO Wii COMES OUT,YOU GOT IT ? ERIC, ARE YOU SURETHIS IS A GOOD IDEA ? NO, IT'S NOTA GOOD IDEA, IT'S AN AWESOME IDEA. YEAH, I GUESS IT IS. ALRIGHT, YOU GOTTHE SPOT FIGURED OUT ? YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOSEWHERE I AM, RIGHT ? I GOT IT... BIG TREE, OVAL ROCK. ALRIGHT, NOWGET OUTTA HERE, YOU CAN'T FREEZE TOOOR ELSE WE'RE BOTH SCREWED. GET OUTTA HERE YOU ASSHOLEYOU'RE GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING ! OH JEEZ... YES... COME ON...FREEZE... FREEZE.

NIN-TEN-DO... I'M COMING... I'M COMING...NINTENDO... ( heartbeat stops ) ( exhales ) ( wind whistling ) ( coyote howling ) ( rumbling ) ♪ ( "Buck Rogers" theme ) WE HAVE A PULSE ! ( coughing & gasping ) CAN YOU...UNDERSTAND ME ? WHERE AM I ? MY NAME IS SHPECK,YOU ARE SAFE. SAFE WHERE, BUTTHOLE ? MY FRIEND... THIS IS GOING TO BEA BIT OF A SHOCK, BUT... IT IS THE YEAR 2546. WHAT ? YOU HAVE BEEN FROZEN IN ICEFOR OVER FIVE HUNDRED YEARS. BUTTERS... BUTTERS YOUBLACK ASSHOLE ! AHGGH ! Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALPLEASE, BE CAREFUL,YOU ARE FRAIL. IS THE Wii OUT ?WHERE IS THE Wii ? AH, NINTENDO Wii... A PRIMITIVE GAMING DEVICEUSED IN HIS TIME. PRIMITIVE ? IT HAS MOTION CONTROLCONTROLLERS, ASSWIPE. YOUNG MAN, YOU DON'TSEEM TO UNDERSTAND... YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS, EVERYONE YOU KNEW HAS BEEN DEAD FOR OVERFIVE HUNDRED YEARS. I DON'T CARE,IS THERE A NINTENDO Wii ? WE DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMESIN OUR TIME. THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS A NINTENDO Wii. NO... NOOOOO !

FIVE HUNDRED YEARSIN THE FUTURE... ( sobbing ) ERIC, I HAVEGOOD NEWS FOR YOU. WE MAY HAVE FOUND YOUA NINTENDO Wii. WHAT, REALLY ! YESSS, YESSSS ! IT'S RUMORED THAT ONE IS ATTHE MUSEUM OF TECHNOLOGY IN NEW, NEW HAMPSHIRE. SO I'M NOT TOO LATE,COME ON, LET'S GO ! WELL, THERE'S JUST... THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEEDFROM YOU, FIRST. YOU SEE, MY YOUNG FRIEND,YOU WERE UNFROZEN FOR A REASON. LOTS OF PEOPLE FROZE THEMSELVESIN CRYOGENIC LABS, AND WE DON'TUNFREEZE THEM. BUT YOU...ARE SPECIAL. I KNOW I'M SPECIAL,THIS ISN'T NEWS TO ME. YOU LIVED IN THE TIME WHENA GREAT EVENT HAPPENED. A GLORIOUS EVENT THAT FINALLYMADE ALL RELIGION OBSOLETE. NOW, THE ENTIRE WORLDIS ATHEIST. AND THIS GETS MEA NINTENDO Wii HOW ? WE BELIEVE THAT SOMEBODYYOU KNEW IN YOUR TIME WAS THE PERSON WHO FIRSTSTARTED OUR WONDERFUL GROUP. THE UNIFIED ATHEIST LEAGUE ! WHO ? WHAT IN SCIENCE'S NAMEWAS THAT ? OH NO ! IT'S THE UNITEDATHEIST ALLIANCE ! OH, SCIENCE HELP US ! SCIENCE DAMN YOU,UNIFIED ATHEIST LEAGUE ! WHO ARE THEY ? THE ALLIANCE ATHEISTS,WE'RE AT WAR WITH THEM ! NO ! JESUS CHRIST ! HA HA HA, YOU BELIEVE INA SUPERNATURAL BEING ! OH-MY-SCIENCE. I'M JUST A LITTLE BOYFROM THE PAST WHO WANTS TO PLAY NINTENDO Wii !

COME ON... COME ON ! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GODHOW MUCH LONGER ?! THERE YOU ARE ERIC,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ? I'M WAITING FOR THE NEW NINTENDO Wii TO COME OUT ! WHEN DOES ITCOME OUT ? THREE WEEKS ! COME ON, COME ON... IT'S TIMEFOR SCHOOL. NO MOM, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS THINGTO COME OUT FOR MONTHS. AND NOW... EVERY DAY,TIME IS SLOWING DOWN. IT'S LIKE...WAITING FOR CHRISTMAS... Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL ERIC, YOU'RE JUST GOING TOHAVE TO BE PATIENT. NOOO... NOOOO ! ( school bell rings ) PRINCIPAL VICTORIAIT IS WRONG ! IT IS WRONG ANDI SIMPLY WILL NOT DO IT ! I CARE ABOUTMY STUDENTS. AND I WILL NOTFILL THEIR HEADS WITH LIES. I AM NOT TEACHINGEVOLUTION IN MY CLASS ! MS. GARRISON, EVOLUTION ISIN THE SCHOOL CURRICULUM. WE HAVE TO TEACH IT. EVOLUTION IS A THEORY. A HAIR-BRAINED THEORYTHAT SAYS I'M A MONKEY. I'M NOT A MONKEY,I'M A WOMAN ! M... M'KAY. YOU REALIZE EVOLUTIONHAS BEEN PRETTY MUCH PROVEN. I WARN YOU,PRINCIPAL VICTORIA THOSE STUDENTS ARE NOT PREPAREDTO HEAR THIS STUFF. OUR STUDENTS WANT TOLEARN MRS. GARRISON, AND THEY'RE MATURE ENOUGHTO HANDLE ANYTHING.

HOW LONG UNTIL UNTILNINTENDO Wii COMES OUT NOW ? IT'S STILL THREE WEEKS. OH GOD... OKAY, HOW LONG NOW ? WILL YOUSHUT UP, ALREADY ? ALRIGHT, KIDS,IT IS NOW MY JOB TO TEACH YOUTHE THEORY OF EVOLUTION. OH BOY ! NOW I FOR ONE THINK THATEVOLUTION IS BUNCH OF BULLCRAP BUT I'VE BEEN TOLDI HAVE TO TEACH IT ANYWAY. IT WAS THOUGHT UPBY CHARLES DARWIN AND IT GOESSOMETHING LIKE THIS: IN THE BEGINNING WE WEREALL FISH, OKAY, SWIMMING AROUNDIN THE WATER. AND THEN ONE DAY, A COUPLEOF FISH HAD A RETARD BABY. AND THE RETARD BABY WASDIFFERENT, SO IT GOT TO LIVE. SO RETARD FISH GOES ONTO MAKE MORE RETARD BABIES AND THEN ONE DAYA RETARD BABY FISH CRAWLED OUT OF THE OCEANWITH ITS MUTANT FISH HANDS... AND IT HAD BUTT SEX WITHA SQUIRREL OR SOMETHING AND MADE THIS...RETARD FROG-SQUIRREL. AND THEN THATHAD A RETARD BABY WHICH WAS AMONKEY-FISH-FROG. AND THEN THIS MONKEY-FISH-FROGHAD BUTT SEX WITH THAT MONKEY AND THAT MONKEY HADA MUTANT RETARD BABY THAT SCREWEDANOTHER MONKEY AND THAT MADE YOU. SO THERE YOU GO. YOU'RE THE RETARDED OFFSPRINGOF FIVE MONKEYS HAVING BUTT SEX WITHA FISH-SQUIRREL. CONGRATULATIONS. AGH-- I CAN'TTAKE IT ANYMORE ! AGHGHGH ! YUP, Y'SEE ? I KNEW THATWOULD HAPPEN.

LOOK KID,FOR THE 40th TIME PACING IN FRONTOF THE STORE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THE WiiCOME ANY FASTER. ERIC, YOU ARECOMING HOME RIGHT NOW ! CAN'T I JUST STAY AND LOOK ATTHE SIGN A LITTLE LONGER ? IT'S ALMOST BEDTIME ! IF YOU SLEEP, THENTIME WILL GO BY FASTER ! OH GOD... AHGGHH !THAT DOES IT ! I AM NOTWAITING THREE WEEKS !

DUDE, YOU DON'TLOOK SO GOOD CARTMAN. I CAN'T TAKE ITANYMORE, YOU GUYS... THE WAIT FOR NINTENDO WiiIS LITERALLY KILLING ME. WELL THERE'S NOTHINGYOU CAN DO, SO YOU JUSTHAVE TO BE PATIENT. NO... THERE ISSOMETHING I CAN DO. WHAT ? ALRIGHT LISTEN, YOU KNOWHOW IN SPACE MOVIES THEY PUT ASTRONAUTSIN SUSPENDER ANIMATION SO THAT THEIR TRIPSEEMS REALLY SHORT, RIGHT ? I THINK I'VE FIGURED OUTHOW TO DO IT. DO WHAT ? FREEZE MYSELF--IF I FREEZE MYSELF, THEN IN THREE WEEKS,WHEN NINTENDO Wii COMES OUT YOU GUYS CAN UNFREEZE ME. THE WAIT WILL SEEMINSTANTANEOUS TO ME. NO. IT'S SIMPLE SCIENCE, KYLE. YOU'LL DIE, RETARD ! I'LL DIE WAITING FORTHE Wii TO COME OUT. DON'T YOU SEE THIS ISMY ONLY CHANCE ? DUDE, NO WAYYEAH, I HATE YOU, BUT I'M NOT GOING TOHELP KILL YOU. I THOUGHT YOUWERE MY FRIENDS ! BUT I GUESSI WAS WRONG ! AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VEBEEN THROUGH TOGETHER YOU WON'T EVEN HELP MEFREEZE MYSELF !

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA, WE AREA DEVOUT CATHOLIC FAMILY. DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHYMY DAUGHTER NOW THINKS SHE'S A RETARDEDFISH-FROG ? ! I TOLD YOU THISWOULD HAPPEN, DIDN'T I ? MR. TRISCOTTI,I WASN'T AWARE-- WE HAVE WORKED YEARSTO INSTILL THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS CHRISTINTO OUR DAUGHTER AND WITH ONE FELL SWOOP YOU TRY TO DESTROYEVERYTHING WE DID ! I HEAR YOU. SIR, IF YOU DON'TWISH YOUR DAUGHTER TO LEARN ABOUT EVOLUTION, THEN WE CAN PULL HEROUT OF CLASS. YOU MOST CERTAINLY WILL ! BUT DAD, I WANT TOLEARN EVERYTHING. NO, YOU DON'T,SHUT UP ! WELL, I TOLD YOU. WE SHOULD LEAVE EVOLUTIONOUT OF THE CLASSROOMS. IT HAS BECOME OBVIOUS TO ME THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ENOUGHABOUT EVOLUTION TO TEACH IT. I'M HAVING YOU REPLACED. MR. DAWKINS ! R-REPLACED ?! RICHARD DAWKINS ISA WORLD-RENOWNED EVOLUTIONARY SCIENTIST. CHARMED TOMEET YOU, MS... SHUT UP, FAGGOT. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA,I CAN TEACH MY OWN CLASS ! YOU ARE TO SIT IN CLASSAND HELP MR. DAWKINS WITH WHATEVER HE NEEDS.

OVER BILLIONS OF YEARS,LIFE HAS EVOLVED FROM SIMPLE,ONE-CELLED ORGANISMS INTO ALL THE COMPLEX LIFEWE SEE AROUND US... WHATEVER. IT WAS CHANGES INHEREDITARY TRAITS THAT ALLOWED THE FIRST MAMMALSTO BREATHE IN THE AIR. RETARDED FISH-FROGS. MS. GARRISON, I BELIEVE THAT'SA GROSS OVER-SIMPLIFICATION. WELL, YOU'RE A FAGGOT. CONTINUE. YOU SEE CHILDREN, LIFE HAS THE AMAZING ABILITYTO CHANGE, TO ADAPT. LIKE CHANGING US TO THE POINTTHAT WE WALK UPRIGHT. SO YOU ARE SAYING THATWE'RE ALL RELATED TO MONKEYS. WELL YES, BASICALLY WE ARE. YOU'VE SEEN MONKEYSAT THE ZOO ? THEY CRAP IN THEIR HANDSAND THROW IT AT PEOPLE ! MS. GARRISON,THIS ISN'T THEORY. IT IS SCIENTIFIC FACT. WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THATBY BELIEVING THIS CRAP, YOU'RE GONNA GO TO HELL ? DOESN'T THAT BOTHER YOUA LITTLE ? ACTUALLY, NO, BECAUSEI'M AN ATHEIST. AHA-- I GOT YOU,YOU SNAKE IN THE GRASS ! I FOUND YOU OUT ! I NEVERCOVERED IT UP. AND IF I'M A MONKEY, THEN I MIGHT AS WELLACT LIKE A MONKEY, HUH ? WOO-OHO HAAA-HAAAWOOO HHOO-AHHAH ! WHAT ON EARTHARE YOU DOING ? DON'T ASK MEI'M A F--KING MONKEY ! ARHG !

TO MR. DAWKINS ABOUTTHE INCONGRUITY OF SOME SCIENTIFIC STATEMENTS. MRS. GARRISON, I AM PULLING YOUOUT OF THE CLASSROOM. WHAT ? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA, I REALLYDON'T THINK THAT'S NECESSARY. THIS WOMAN ISVERY OPINIONATED, BUT-- SHE DOES CARE ABOUTHER STUDENTS. VERY WELL. BUT THERE IS TO BE NO MORETHROWING OF FECES, UNDERSTOOD ? MS. GARRISON, COULD I HAVEA WORD WITH YOU PLEASE ? WHAT ? LOOK, I KNOW YOU THINKWE ARE AT WAR... BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW,I ADMIRE YOUR PASSION. YOU-- YOU DO ? I'VE NEVER MET A WOMANWITH SO MUCH... FIRE. WELL, I DO BRING DOWN THEWOMAN'S WRATH NOW AND AGAIN. SO MUCH BOLDNESSIN A WOMAN... SO BEAUTIFUL. I'M SORRY, I'M SURE YOUHAVE A HUSBAND, BUT I-- NO, MY HUSBAND ISGONE-- DEAD ! WOULD YOU THEN... CONSIDER HAVING DINNERWITH ME TONIGHT ? WELL... WELL, I SUPPOSE WE COULD HAVE ALITTLE STEAK OR SOMETHING. I'VE GOT A DATE ! I'VE GOT A DATE ! MY FIRST REAL DATEWITH A REAL MAN SINCE MYSEX CHANGE OPERATION ! OH BOY,WHAT WILL I WEAR ?

"YOU PUT SO MANYTHINGS IN MY VAGINA MAYBE I SHOULD CHARGE YOU !" OH, MISS GARRISON, YOU ARE THE MOSTOUTSPOKEN WOMANI HAVE EVER MET. IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU'REONE OF THE GUYS ! YEAH, ALMOST... YOU HAVE SO MUCH SPUNK,SO MUCH LIFE ! IF ONLY YOU WEREAN ATHEIST... WHAT...WELL, YOU KNOW... I'M OPEN TO STUFF. WHY HAS SOMEONE ASOUTSPOKEN AS YOU GIVEN THEMSELVES OVER TOTHE WHOLE 'GOD' THING ? OH, I'M NOT... I'M NOT TOTALLY INTOTHE WHOLE GOD THING. I JUST, I JUST THINKYOU CAN'T DISPROVE GOD. WELL, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THEREWAS A FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER ? WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, SIMPLYBECAUSE IT CAN'T BE DISPROVEN ? YOU'RE RIGHT...IT'S SO SIMPLE ! GOD IS A SPAGHETTI MONSTER. OH THANK YOU, GEEZ,MY EYES ARE OPEN ! HEY EVERYONE,I'M AN ATHEIST ! REALLY ? OH,THAT'S WONDERFUL ! NO, I TOTALLYGET IT NOW ! EVOLUTION EXPLAINS EVERYTHING ! THERE'S NO GREAT MYSTERY TO LIFE-- JUST EVOLUTION ! AND GOD'SA SPAGHETTI MONSTER. OH THANK YOU, RICHARD. YOU'RE SO WELCOME ! WOULD YOU LIKE TO... HEAD OVER TO MY PLACEFOR DESSERT ? AAHG, UGH, UGH ! OH YEAH,YEAH, I'M A MONKEY ! GIVE THIS MONKEYWHAT SHE WANTS ! OH, MISS GARRISON ! YEAH, POUND MYMONKEY HOLE, RICHARD ! YEAH, I'MA MONKEY, ALRIGHT !

YOU MUSTUNDERSTAND, CHILDREN, THAT WE ARE DEALING WITHVERY LARGE NUMBERS HERE. THAT'S MY MAN... SO EVOLUTION DOESN'T EVENHAPPEN BY CHANCE. IT IS IN FACT,BOUND TO HAPPEN. THAT'S RIGHT KIDS. AND SO YOU SEE,THERE IS NO GOD. CAREFUL, DARLING. THE SCHOOL BOARD DOESN'TLIKE IT WHEN WE-- WUL, THERE COULDSTILL BE A GOD. WHAT ? COULDN'T EVOLUTIONBE THE ANSWER TO "HOW" AND NOT THEANSWER TO "WHY" ? UH-OH,RETARD ALERT ! RETARD ALERT, CLASS ! DO YOU BELIEVE INA FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER TOO, BUBBLE HEAD ? I WASN'T TALKINGABOUT SPAGHETTI. COME ON YOU, YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO SIT IN THE DUNCE CHAIR !

I'M NOT SO SURE WHAT YOU DIDIN CLASS TODAY WAS RIGHT. WHAT ?BUT DICK... YOU TOLD ME THAT THE WORLDWOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT RELIGION. YES, BUT TO BESO BOLD ABOUT IT. I'VE JUST NEVER SEENA WOMAN WITH SUCH... BALLS. YOU'VE JUST BEEN TOO SOFT ONRELIGIOUS PEOPLE IN THE PAST. THINK ABOUT IT, RICHARD. WITH YOUR INTELLECTAND MY BALLS, WE CAN CHANGE THE FUTUREOF THE WORLD. CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLDWITH NO RELIGION ? NO MUSLIMS KILLING JEWS... NO CHRISTIANS BOMBINGABORTION CLINICS. THE WORLD WOULD BEA WONDERFUL PLACE... WITHOUT GOD. YOU'RE THE SMARTESTMAN ON EARTH, DICK. WITH ME BY YOUR SIDE...THERE'S NO STOPPING YOU. OOHH JUST LET ME SEE THOSEBEAUTIFUL BREASTS AGAIN. OH... ALRIGHT. OH YEAH,BABY ! BLRMP-MPHHHHHM ! OOHHHH, YEAHH ! QUICK, GENERAL DISARRAY,KILL THOSE SUPER-HEROES !

YES, NOW THE WORLD SHALL FEELTHE WRATH OF PROFESSOR CHAOS ! HA HA HAAA ! BUTTERS... BUTTERS, YOU HAVEN'T SEENERIC CARTMAN IN THE PAST TWO DAYS,HAVE YOU ? WHO ME ? IT'S VERY IMPORTANT,BUTTERS- HE'S MISSING. YOU HAVEN'T SEENOR HEARD FROM HIM ? NO, MA'AM. OKAY. COME ON,PROFESSOR CHAOS ! LET'S DESTROYTHIS ANT HILL ! GENERAL DISARRAY CAN I ASK YOUA SCIENTIFIC QUESTION ? OKAY. WUL, UM... CAN ANYTHING BADHAPPEN IF YOU COMPLETELYFREEZE YOURSELF AND THEN UNFREEZE YOURSELFTHREE WEEKS LATER ? YEAH. LIKE WHAT ?! LIKE...YOU DIE. DIE !? WUL YEAH, IF YOU FREEZE YOURBODY, IT MEANS YOU DIE. WHEN YOU WAKE UP THREE WEEKSLATER YOU CAN BE UNFROZEN, BUT YOU'RE STILL DEAD. OH, HAMBURGERS ! ERIC ?! ERIC !! YOU JUST LEFT HIM HERE,WITHOUT A JACKET OR ANYTHING ? HE TOLD ME TO ! HE'S DEAD,FOR SURE ! WAIT---IT'S ALL DIFFERENT ! NOTHING'S INTHE SAME PLACE ! OH MY GOD... ERIC !! ERIC ! BUTTERS-BUTTERS,BUTTERS ! WE HAVE TOGET OUT OF HERE. WHAT ? NOBODY IS EVER GOING TOFIND HIS BODY ! YOU'VE GOT TO NEVER SAY ANYTHINGABOUT THIS, YOU UNDERSTAND ? HE'S DEAD ! AND IF THEY KNOW YOU HADA HAND IN IT YOU'LL GO TO JAIL ! BUT I JUST DIDWHAT HE TOLD ME ! COME ON, WE HAVE TO LEAVE ! OH JUMPIN' JESUS...

ON SCREEN ! LOOK ALLIEDATHEIST ALLEGIANCE ! WE HAVE THETIME CHILD ! SCIENCE DAMN YOU,UNITED ATHEIST ALLIANCE ! NOW YOU SEE,FOOLISH SEA OTTERS, THAT WE ARE THEATHEISTS IN CONTROL ! IT WON'TMAKE A DIFFERENCE. THIS IS THE DAWNING OFTHE SEA OTTER. KNOW THIS, TIME CHILD ! I SHALLSMASH YOUR SKULL LIKE A CLAMON MY TUMMY ! WHAT ?! OTTERS,THE TIME HAS COME ! SOUND THE NAFURTEE ! THE NAFERTEE !THE NAFERTEE ! ( low wail ) IT BEGINS...