The Department of Defense is planning to update the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) following complaints that numerous high profile leaders have gone unpunished or received only minor punishments for offenses such as mishandling classified information, sexual misconduct, or being overweight.

The following articles, which were previously only enforceable by the customary “pulling rank,” codify the military’s strict enforcement of double standards. The new regulations, which have not yet been made public, were obtained by Duffel Blog and are being published in full:

Article 108.a. Denying the Misuse of Classified Information. All personnel accused of mishandling classified information shall be subject to court martial, unless they deny doing so in mainstream news outlets and meet three of the following criteria:

They are in the rank of O-7 or GS-15 and above The only person they shared it with is their mistress Their mistress is hot and looks like she works out They can get to the center of a Tootsie Pop in fewer than three licks Everybody else is doing it anyway, so who cares?

Article 89.b. Not Being Treated With Disrespect By a Superior Commissioned Officer or Non-commissioned Officer. All personnel who fail to be physically, verbally, and/or morally disrespected, violated, or otherwise patronized by a superior commissioned or non-commissioned officer shall be subject to physical, verbal, or moral abuse by said officer in a public gathering place.

Article 69. Sexual Misconduct. The punishment for sexual misconduct shall depend on the offender’s rank at the time of the incident:

All officers of the grades O-6 and above shall be reassigned to the Pentagon, where their subordinates’ self-esteem will be too low to report future occurrences, and the victims will probably just blame themselves. All personnel of the grades O-5 and below shall immediately be sexually harassed and/or assaulted by the first General Officer in their chain of command.

Article 85. Desertion. All those who desert shall be given their own podcast.

Article 3.Supersized.withahotfudgesundae. Body Composition Program. All personnel shall be subject to the body composition standards of their respective services, unless they are an O-4 in the Navy, in which case their FUPA shall hang a minimum of four inches over their belt buckle while wearing khakis.

Article 147. General Scapegoat Article. Any misconduct by a commander or senior non-commissioned officer shall be blamed on the person one level below them in the chain of command, or the S-4 — whoever is more of a pussy.

Article X. War Crimes. Civilian casualties are acceptable as long as you’re friends with the JAG. Otherwise, blame it on the Afghans.