California Bill Prohibits Stores From Selling Toys That Don’t Actively Confuse Children’s Sexuality

SACRAMENTO, CA—California legislators have recently proposed a bill forcing department store owners to only sell toys that actively set out to confuse children on their sexuality and gender.

The law will ensure no more anti-science “boy aisles” or “girl aisles” like the ones used in deplorable states. Now shoppers can search the entire store before finding the gender nonconforming toy that is right for them.

“In these critical and formative years of a child’s development they need to be exposed to confusing and downright bizarre depictions of other males and females,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “The science is settled and we all know that children are in no way impressionable or disproportionately influenced by the toys they see.”

The goal is to take perfectly happy, healthy children and cause them to wonder if their sex is really right for them. Lawmakers hope to finally replace thousands of years of understood biology and replace it with ever changing progressive ideas on sexuality and gender.

This change will even apply to toys that have traditionally targeted one gender for decades and put an end to reinforcing harmful norms created by the patriarchy. “If they want their toys sold here then they are simply going to have to create something that makes kids unsure of their identity,” said local store owner Preston Leslie who’s enthusiastic about the change. “It’s time for some fresh, ambiguously gendered toys that can help kids express themselves and destroy their worldview.”

The following are currently on the approved toy list:

Mustache Barbie

Lightning McDragQueen

Bikini Rambo

Mr. & Mr. Potato Head

Furby

Qui-Gon Gender & Non-Binary C-3PO

Princess Charming

Iron Person & Spiderthey

“I’m proud to be a part of this historic change that will undoubtedly improve the mental health of our children,” added Governor Newsom.

At publishing time, it was reported that store owners failing to comply will be sent directly to sexuality reeducation camps.

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