Part II of the squad profiles. If you missed part 1, it’s right here.

Squad Number: 23

Name: Nicholas BLACKWATER

Position: Stroker

Nickname: ‘The Camden Cockroach’

Origin: Camden, London, England

Special Move: ‘The Cashpoint Cackle’

Squad Number: 24

Name: Vincent Abraham ‘Abe’ DOLBY

Position: Middle Field

Nickname: ‘The English Patient’

Origin: London Dickensian Hospital for Sickly and Wan Children

Special Move: Frying an egg on his head due to his incessant high temperature

Squad Number: 25

Name: Carlos JUAREZ

Position: Starboard Frightener

Nickname: ‘El Cabo Primero’

Origin: Mexico (Tijuana)

Special Move: ‘The Nervous Glanceback’

Squad Number: 26

Name: Maurice FRAMPTON

Position: General Berserker

Nickname: ‘Betty’

Origin: England (Penzance)

Special Move: The Tenpin Charge

Squad Number: 28

Name: Kouranne Gibbois

Position: Portside Dandy

Nickname: Le Jazz Maraudeur

Origin: France (Paris)

Special Move: Running up the wing whilst playing the solo from John Coltrane’s track ‘Jupiter’ from the Interstellar Space Long Player.

Squad Number: 31

Name: Roger MATTHESON

Position: Apparent Striker

Nickname: Mr Punctual

Origin: Luton, England

Special Move: The ‘Always on time’, which means he’s always on time.

Squad Number: 37

Name: Charles ‘Chubby’ ATKINS

Position: Odd 9

Nickname: ‘Deadly Jelly’

Origin: Sutton-on-the-Forest, Yorkshire

Special Move: ‘The Smother’

Squad Number: 44

Name: Stephen Knabbley

Position: Wing Nuisance

Nickname: ‘The Tufnell Park Terrier’

Origin: Tufnell Park

Special Move: ‘Mrs. Roberts Washing Basket’ – a delicate switchback turn

Squad Number: 58

Name: Gordon Sanderson

Position: Middle Field

Nickname: ‘The Mystic’

Origin: The Foothills of the Himalayas

Special Move: ‘The Ping Pong Parp’, a rapid, percussive move where he passes to himself: ‘Ping’ is the first pass, ‘Pong’ is the second pass and ‘Parp’ is the noise the defender’s bottom makes as he sees Mr. Sanderson running off with the ball.

Name: Heisenbould

Position: “You don’t need to know.”

Nickname: ‘The Mystery man’

Origin: New Mexico

Special Move: ‘The Wheelchair Bomb’

Name: Alan Windsor

Position: Grand Wizard

Nickname: “Mr. Windsor to you.”

Origin: Berkshire, England

Special Move: Attracting the world’s best attacking midfielder, Melvin Orwell, to The Arsenal. And many more.