WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering around with a couple chord progressions without ever stopping to fully listen to anything you’re saying,” said Scott Wiley, 32, on behalf of acoustic guitar-toting men across the country, stressing that while they may make intermittent eye contact while saying things like “uh-huh” or “yeah, man, that sounds cool,” their focus ultimately remained on vaguely singing a few lyrics under their breath before launching into a blues-inflected lick. “Now, will we actually hear anything you’re trying to tell us? Right now, that’s unclear. But we just want everyone to know that regardless of how pressing you might think talking with us might be, we’re committed to grinning and tentatively plucking out variations on an Em chord for the foreseeable future.” At press time, the nation’s guitar-wielding men had responded to follow-up questions by biting their lips while finger-picking the introduction to “Blackbird.”

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