Tracie's away, so last night I had to watch the premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras. It was horrifying! Spoiled brats, fake hair, undermining moms and a 2-week-old infant in a tuxedo?!?!


All the contestants were participating in a pageant in Texas where the biggest prize was $1000 cash. That kind of money is nothing to sneeze at, but when you spend $2000 on one dress, does it make a dent?

The most upsetting contestants were six-year-old twins BreAnne and AshLynn Sterling. Well, they weren't as upsetting as their clearly undermining mom.




She soooo played favorites with BreAnne, who she thinks is the "prettiest" of her five daughters and "looks most like Mommy." Later in the show, BreAnne was being a total brat, not listening, being arrogant and rude, but her mother still wanted her to be in the pageant. Dad Barry finally carried her — screaming and crying — from the venue. The one you've got to worry about is poor AshLynn, the "big nose" twin, who is clearly going to become an emotional wreck if she doesn't channel the feeling that she's second banana — which her own mother reinforces.

Eden Wood is four years old and an only child. Luckily, her mom has "best friends" for her: Hand puppets. Question: What's the difference between a "diva moment" and a tired 4-year-old? What's the difference between a "diva moment" and a temper tantrum?



Behold: Cavin, the 2-week-old pageant contestant. His brother Cameron was like, "He wants to win really really really badly. But he doesn't know that." Also: "His head was kinda titled."



Eden Wood performed in a Vegas showgirl outfit. Her mom performed in a blue button-down shirt. Eden's coach thought "it was precious."


After her performance, Eden announced, "I rocked that stage." Cavin the 2-week-old was 4th runner up in the boys division; and his mom said: "It does make me feel a little better that I can make beautiful babies." Cavin's brother Cameron won Most Handsome and King.

Eden won trophies for Most Beautiful, Best Dressed, Outfit of Choice (the Vegas ensemble) and Queen. Meaning, she won the $1000. Eden's dresses cost between $2100 and $3600 and Eden's mom has spent — sorry, invested — between $65,000 and $75,000 on pageants. So: Congrats.