Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereof, and none of the above: it is official. I've been tempted to say this for the past two years, but I've held off until now. I can finally say with no fear of sounding unbalanced and unfair that the Republican Party of Texas has lost its goddamn mind.

This is the only thing that can possibly save the GOP now.

It wasn't when they chose to push abstinence-only sex "education" at the expense of Texas teenagers. It wasn't when mainstream Texas Senate candidates started supporting personhood for single cells that would often end up in a Tampax anyway. I even reserved judgement in the wake of Governor Rick Perry's disastrous presidential bid. I tried, I really did. Then the Republican Party of Texas released this monstrosity. It's their Platform Committee report. Because the whole thing is just so wretched, I'll just be picking my favorite tidbits of right-wing lunacy to share with you today.





Fetal Pain: "We support legislation banning of abortion after 20 weeks gestation due to fetal pain."

I'm sure they relied on the expertise of many doctors and scientists before making this claim, unlike these charlatans and cretins who seem to think that a fetus can't feel pain at least until the 24th week.





UN Treaty on the Rights of the Child ― "We unequivocally oppose the United States Senate’s ratification of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child."

The United States is the only country in the world that hasn't ratified the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child . Somalia used to be with us, but it says something when we as a nation have as much regard for the rights of children as the anarchic clusterfuck that is the Somalian government. I find it hard to believe that the Republican Party is pro-life and pro-family when they won't ratify an agreement that every child "has an inherent right to life...to preserve his or her identity...not be separated from his or her parents against their will, except when competent authorities subject to judicial review determine, in accordance with applicable law and procedures, that such separation is necessary for the best interests of the child." If you are strapped for time, or a Republican, here is an easy to read primer on this controversial agreement.





Homosexuality ― "We affirm that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society and contributes to the breakdown of the family unit. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans."

Oh, Christ, I'm going to stop you right there. First of all, America's founders were secularists, which means that if you want to trample on the rights of American citizens, you'd better proffer up a better reason than your imaginary friend.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Texas GOP has finally reached the level of discourse of 4chan.

Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable “alternative” lifestyle, in public policy, nor should “family” be redefined to include homosexual “couples.”

I just want to know why you put the word "couples" in quotes. You don't want to call us married, lovers, domestic partners, or plain human beings, I get that. But now you're calling our pairing into question?





We believe there should be no granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin.

Like the right to not be discriminated against in employment or housing? Like the right to live safe and non-violent lives? Like our right to marry the person we love? Okay, because no one else has those rights. I'm beginning to think when they say "no special rights for homosexuals", by "special rights", they mean "the right to exist".





Additionally, we oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction or belief in traditional values.









Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereof and none of the above, this is 2012. This sort of thought does not belong in one of the two main political parties of one of the most powerful nations on the planet. These people shouldn't be in charge of anything more influential than a city park. How the hell do these people think any rational person is going to elect them?



