Your Non-Cooperative Spouse

This is one of those few posts we recommend only the adults hang around for… I mean, it’s your call. But we’re gonna talk about some stuff related to relationships and keeping your spouse happy.

Alexa tells me that our audience is mostly heterosexual 25-34 year old women with less than a college degree. That makes sense for our mostly-mom demographic. Well, a lot of you ladies complain that your husband is not on board with paleo, that he sabotages you by forcing bread and pizza and pasta into the house or refusing to play ball with you.

Some of you say that you’re concerned for his health and the self-destructive path his diet is leading him down. Some of you ask “Why can’t my husband be as awesome and sexy as you, Matt?”

I’ve heard you all, and so I offer you this post, directed at those reluctant males in your life.

Please leave the room and invite him to the screen so that we can rap as proper gentlemen.

Is he here? Good. You go take a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. Seriously. Go.

Is she gone? Fantastic.

Are you sick of this guy?

Photo Credit RealFoodRyanGosling.Tumblr.Com

More specifically, are you sick of your wife pining away for the fictitious version of this guy? I bet you are. You’re probably thinking you can’t compete. You’ll never have those abs and your life is too stressful to ever be that sensitive and put together. Also, you’ll never have the time to perfectly manage that excellent stubble. You probably despair that you’ll never be able to the man your wife wants you to be.

Well, I have news for you: you’re sabotaging yourself when you sabotage her. Seriously.

Do you enjoy making out with your wife? Do you desperately want your wife to want you? All the time? Then let me explain something to you.

The human sex drive is mainly controlled by a single hormone, testosterone. You, by virtue of your Y chromosome have a ton of it. That’s why you’re ready to go any time you want. Women, on the other hand, don’t have very much at all. That’s why it takes much more effort, usually, to get her into it. So, believe it or not, your goal ought to be to maximize her testosterone by any legal means necessary. That means eliminate anything that decreases it and increase anything that promotes it.

So what are you doing when you force her to eat your pizza and bread and milk? You’re being a self-sabotaging idiot. These grains you’re force feeding her are actively weighing her down and decreasing her testosterone. And the soy that’s in everything these days is even worse. You know what the enemy of testosterone is? Estrogen. The phytoestrogen in the soy you’re giving her is guaranteeing you a lonely night. She doesn’t know it (and feel free to keep this a secret) but this paleo diet is making her horny. For you. The animal protein and saturated fat she wants to be eating are increasing her sex drive without her even realizing it.

The next time you refuse pizza and grill her a steak instead, you are turning her on without any effort or foreplay at all!

Not to mention, she’ll probably love the idea of you doing a little cooking. I know my wife is always thrilled when I make her cake balls and bacon. In fact, bacon is the best pheromone attractant I know of. And paleo food is not hard to cook yourself – wrap a chicken in bacon, throw it over some cabbage and you’ve got yourself a happy wife.

Happy wife, happy life.

You know what else? Stop telling her not to lift weights and don’t encourage her to run that damn treadmill. What’s wrong with you? Oh, you don’t want her to get bulky? You don’t know what you’re talking about. That treadmill is making her exhausted and stressed out. She’ll get home and just want to crash.

If you encourage her to lift weights, do the squats and lunges and lifts, do you know what she’ll get? Not bodybuilder muscles. She’ll get the Crossfit ass. She’ll get the sexy hourglass waist and shapely hips. You’ll love it, seriously. And those bench presses she’s doing are going to guarantee that even if she loses weight, she won’t lose the curves that you like while she’s doing it. And, above all else, lifting weights promotes the production of testosterone.

What would you really prefer? Do you want her to come home drenched in sweat, exhausted and out of breath from spending an hour on the an elliptical? Or would you prefer her to come home feeling strong and sexy, slighly sore, but still ready for another round with you? I think the answer is clear.

And you. Come on. What do YOU have to lose in taking this plunge anyway? You really love pizza and beer that much? You can’t replace them with steak and wine? You don’t want to improve yourself, maybe?

Oh you’re satisfied with yourself, I suppose. So was I. You know what I didn’t realize? That I could be fitter, stronger, and have more energy without much effort at all. Seriously, very little effort took me from an overweight, out of shape dweeb into a sexy beast. You can see my abs and I barely worked to get them. Can you say the same? I can scoop her off her feet. Literally. Can you?

I think you owe it to both of you to give this a try. I’m not going to give you the whole health and longevity speech here. You don’t care about that, right? But what you do want, I think you can get it with just a little encouragement. Now invite the ladies back into the room for this last part.

Ladies, I’ve spoken with your husbands and I think you should expect a little bit more compliance from here on.