Written by Pastor John Mathewson

One of the finest American-machine inventions, the leaf blower, was crafted in the industrial age when the pursuit of life, living, and the other less-useful pursuit of happiness were distinguished American rights so long as you followed and dedicated your life towards Manifest Destiny. Such inventions like the Leaf Blower and the DVD Rewinder are sublime examples of America’s passion for innovation and desire to be many steps ahead of the world when it comes to technology. However, just because technology is serviceable to the majority of people on our planet does not necessarily mean that it is good. Rather, it can be a cautionary tale about mankind’s efforts to thwart technology has failed, and that technology is really the ones controlling us. Rather than indulge in some liberal science fiction piece, there is a serious problem on our hands with American blue-collar technology: it is turning our precious masculine American men into American-hating homosexuals.

The Leaf Blower, in particular, is an invention of the USSR and Mexico as a way to get rid of a swarm of leaves that plagued the Mexican-USSR embassy. An invention combined from two nefarious countries, the origin story of the Leaf Blower has been disputed by the CNN-led FBI and CIA. Undisclosed documents presented to us by an anonymous employee of the NSA have given us more extensive details about the real reasons why the Leaf Blower is still around despite massive improvements to American technology over the decade. Nowadays, if ones’ house has a major leaf problem, lasers may be used to burn the leaves into nothingness or leaves can be tossed away via the use of a shovel, but for some odd reason, the leaf blower is still around and always announces its presence.

The Mexicans and Communist Russians designed the device to be as noisy as possible in order to attract inventors to the device as a way to let them know that it works, but that same noise that leaf blowers create also emits a low-frequency oscillator signal that can only be heard if ones’ brain orients in a homosexual manner. These signals are effectively a form of radio that only homosexuals and the occasional lesbian can hear. Bullshit News could not find a strong confident gay conservative man to help us decode what these signals are, but it’s not just morse code, it’s something (possibly) far, far worse. It’s a form of terrorist communication that can be used by ISIS or Islamic Jihad to crush America and cause another 9/11 attack, effectively making leaf blowers an object of terrorism.

But leaf blowers do more than just cause terrorism and/or let it happen, the leaf blower appears on the outside like a common, heteronormative tool for yard work. The leaf blower is very attractive to the American homosexual market due to its sound capabilities. It’s noisy, vuvuzela-like mating call attracts many homosexuals and Catholics to the call of duty–to move leaves away from a desired area. Leaf Blowers are known to be common apparatuses in the night club/discotheque scene, very much so in Europe. Once a symbol of blue-collar labor has now become a “gay icon”, or a reputable image of the homosexual agenda. Because of its un-American roots and recent acclaim from the gay community, it is time to make leaf blowers illegal in America as they will threaten the next generation of proud and strong young American men, and will discourage them from joining the armed forces because they will find leaf blowers more engaging than rocket launchers. That is not an America for my son to grow up in to find a suitable mate and bring them to church.

My son is going to become a pastor much like my great-grandfather and his son like my father, and yet my son can’t stop going outside with his leaf blower trying to find the “Pokemon Go”. He doesn’t know that the Mexican-USSR created homosexual agenda-supporting device is trying to convert him under its homosexual spell, and I fear as a parent and not a minister of Jesus that he will not follow our families’ honored commitment toward God and helping our community. Instead, he uses the leaf blower to find his “Charizard” or “Shiny Pidgey”, and doesn’t even care about Exodus or Leviticus! I’m worried these leaf blowers will be used to suck up our children and spit them away from the Bible. My child should be cherished in a world where all he needs to do is to go on his knees and praise Jesus every day, he does not need to worry about Pokemon or leaf blowers!!

Because of these actions, my church has effectively banned the leaf blower as I now understand that it lures homosexuality towards our house of God, and something so abhorrent like homosexuality cannot possibly be part of communion with Jesus himself. I can see why Catholics would like and employ the use of the Leaf Blower, but not with my personal relationship with God and my church. Once the Gay Agenda tried to recruit my son with the Pokemon Go, that’s when I knew action had to be taken. Purge the leaf blowers and read the good book!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrianism, excluding Unitarianism. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.