I’m such a jerk for not emailing you back sooner. Lately I’ve been doing a deep dive into the origins of English grammar, specifically the difference between past participle and present perfect. Did you know that the only word in the English language that ends in the letters “-mt” is dreamt? Isn’t that interesting?

I feel so bad for forgetting about our Google Hangout this morning, but I got sucked into this makeup tutorial based on the movie “Cats.” It took a lot longer than I anticipated and the final product read more as mischievous raccoon than feline.

Lo siento for not getting back to you sooner on WhatsApp. I saw a plastic bag flying around outside while I was eating lunch and then ended up staring out the window until it was nightfall. Time really flies when you’re disassociating.

Oh, my God, I can’t believe I never responded on Houseparty. I’ve been doing my own version of “Chopped” where I have to cook a meal based on the few groceries I still have left in the fridge. I tried to put my own spin on chicken tikka masala without any of the required ingredients, but unfortunately the judges eliminated me after the first round. The judges are my three cactuses.

I feel terrible for not requesting to join your Instagram Live when you asked me to. But the idea of talking to eight people about my personal relationship with astrology from my own bathtub filled me with a kind of existential loneliness I had never even known was possible.