SANTA MONICA, CA— With social distancing orders holding firm as ever in Southern California due to the coronavirus outbreak, local hot guy Taven Marshall is beginning to question if he can realistically continue with a celibate lifestyle. While one might argue that there are certainly larger issues facing marginalized groups across the nation; we must not forget our sexy population, parched of getting laid. “I can’t do this anymore,” Marshall admitted to Sleeping Sardines in a zoom interview Monday morning, where we had to ask him to put a shirt on. “Ugly people just don’t know what it’s like to have consistent sex, then have it all stop due to something totally out of your own control,” he added. Although Marshall noted that FaceTime Sex with former partners and frequent masturbation has helped to mitigate some of the trauma endured during this trying time, he’s not convinced that it will be enough. “I’m not sure if it’s the sex I miss most, or the attention I got for the sex I did have,” Marshall noted in a moment of real introspection. “Maybe I’ll just make an OnlyFans and see if that helps my mental,” he continued. From all of our sexy authors here at Sleeping Sardines, we wish unsatisfied attractive people everywhere the very best, and hope that we can all get back on the horse soon.