WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected to take myself into account during the last population report, and we’ll need a full recount to figure out where exactly I went wrong,” said Jarmin, who noted that he had been so focused on producing an accurate tally of the United States population that he had failed factor in his own age, income bracket, and ethnicity into the report. “I had this nagging feeling that I might be forgetting something when we did the count, but I was just so relieved to be wrapping up that I figured 325 million had to be pretty close. The worst part is we’re going to have to redraw all the congressional districts—man, I did this last census, too.” At press time, Jarmin had been forced to stop the recount and start over after totally losing track of how many million Americans he had already counted.

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