Chapter Text

Lissa woke to someone shaking her shoulder. She had always been a deep sleeper, and it took a good ten seconds before she managed to open her eyes. “Hnng?” she said, eloquently.

“Sorry!” Donni said. “Someone’s looking for you!”

It took her another few seconds of staring blankly to remember where she was, and why she had been sleeping on a rug in front of the fireplace. “What time is it?” Her head felt stuffed full of cotton. The light coming in through the window was grey and pearly, no help at all.

“Just past noon.”

“Noon!” She had gone to sleep sometime in the early hours of the morning. Surely people had been in and out of the suite all day – how had she managed to sleep through all of it? At least she hadn’t missed her scheduled time to watch Van; she didn’t have to take over from Mardic for another two candlemarks. “Um.” She scrubbed at her face, still trying to wake up. “Who wanted to see me?”

“Dunno, but he’s at the door.”

She looked down at herself. Her tunic was rumpled, but after a moment she decided she was presentable enough, and dragged herself to her feet, the trainee hovering anxiously at her heels. Donni managed to look perfectly well groomed, she noticed with irritation.

When she saw who was at the door, she straightened her spine, jerking to attention, suddenly a great deal more self-conscious at the state of her clothing. “Sir.” She bowed stiffly. She had managed to entirely forget that Lord Corey was still coming to Haven.

He just stared at her, making no attempt at the formal greeting of master to student. She ran a hand over her hair, self-conscious. Do I have something on my nose?

“Been looking for you,” he said finally, gruffly. “What’s going on here?”

She let herself slump against the doorframe. “Sir, I– I don’t…” She closed her eyes and made herself take a deep breath. Remembered her manners. “Would you like to come in and sit down?”

Lord Corey shook his head. “I’m nearly late for an engagement. Wanted to find you first. I’ve heard some very odd rumours. Your brother was Chosen, no? I should congratulate him.”

Lissa shook her head. Gods, that wouldn’t go over well. “Yes, but he was hurt pretty badly.”

“Sorry to hear that. There was a problem up there, I heard. A fire? I heard some Herald went off the handle and tried to burn the place to the ground, but that doesn’t sound very believable.”

Lissa winced. That was one summary of what had happened, but…well, it was good Vanyel wasn’t overhearing this. “That’s not what happened. It’s complicated.” To her embarrassment, she failed to stifle a yawn. “S-s-sorry, I just woke up.”

He waved her off. “Bad business, sounds like.” His lip curled. “Anyway, you can move your things to our guest quarters, and I’ll see you at the salle tonight for some training. You haven’t been keeping in shape, have you?”

She had gone to spar with Donni once or twice, just to blow off steam, and the girl was fast. But, no, she hadn’t been keeping up with her usual training regimen. “Sorry, sir. It’s been hectic.”

“I can see that.” He frowned. “How’s your aunt Savil? I heard it was one of her students died. That can’t be easy–”

“She’s fine.” As fine as anyone could be in these circumstances; she seemed to be coping well enough. “Sir, I’m happy to resume my training, but I promised my aunt I’d help her with some things in the afternoons. Can I have four candlemarks off every day?”

Lord Corey’s eyebrows rose, and he gave her that look, the one that could always make her feel like a naughty child.

She squirmed. “I promise I’ll make it up – in the evenings, or I’ll get up early. Um, and I can still use that time to study, if you want to assign me some more books.”

He snorted. “If you’re willing to do that, I suppose it must be important. Fine. I’ll send you a list of books on tactics to find in the Palace library. And I expect to see you every day in the salle at dawn.” He knew how much she hated mornings.

She nodded; he was being more understanding than she had expected, really; then hesitated. Tried to decide whether to ask to keep sleeping here. As much as she wanted to, she wasn’t sure there was a reason for it. It had been a full week. Vanyel was a lot stronger, physically; he wasn’t entirely out of danger, but he wasn’t on death’s door either. She wasn’t a Herald, so Yfandes couldn’t wake her in the middle of the night if she needed help. And it would be nice to have a bedroom that didn’t make her think of a dead trainee’s ghost. She had never been especially superstitious, but she hated sleeping there, which was how she ended up falling asleep in random places and waking up sore all over.

“I’ll bring my things over,” she said finally. “Tell me where?”

He passed her a small card from his pocket. “Follow these directions. You’ll be joining us tomorrow to be presented at Court, and I’m afraid we are scheduled in the afternoon.”

“I already met the Queen.” In the middle of the night, with mud in her hair and wearing someone else’s robe. Not exactly the presentation she had daydreamed of as a little girl, but it didn’t feel like it mattered anymore. Still. She could ask to switch with Mardic or Donni, just that one time.

The eyebrows went higher, but Lord Corey said nothing.

Finally he nodded, dismissing her. “I’d best go. Sunset tonight at the salle.”

He left, and she closed the door and slid down against the wall, all the energy draining out of her. She supposed she ought to care more about Lord Corey being here, about her future, but it was so hard even to think about tomorrow.

“He’s your master?” Donni said curiously. “He looks strict.”

“He’s alright. Forgot he was coming. I went on ahead, Van sent me a letter. Thought he might be in trouble.” Though even she hadn’t thought even he would be able to get into this much trouble. “Mardic’s with him now?” she added as she let her head fall back against the wall.

“Yeah.” Donni scratched at her head. “Hope he’s alright. Least Van’s not throwing people into the walls anymore.”

It was true; Vanyel had been calmer ever since they moved him into the shielded room, maybe because he wasn’t constantly listening to the closest dozen people thinking – hellfires, that sounded irritating. The drugs seemed to be helping, too, and maybe whatever was wrong with his head was starting to heal.

He still seemed, well, ‘completely miserable’ was an understatement. During her shift yesterday, he had cried for nearly two straight candlemarks, until she wanted to shake him just to make him stop. He wouldn’t let her offer any comfort; he flinched away and hid under the blankets when she tried to touch him. It hurt to watch, even when Yfandes had shields on him and he wasn’t projecting his grief right into her head.

Her little brother. She had practically raised him; Lady Treesa never had much time for her children between when they left the nursery and when they were old enough to behave themselves in her little Court. It had always been the two of them against the world, until she went away to foster with Lord Corey and left him alone. She hadn’t always been able to protect him, gods, the incident when Jervis broke his arm was proof enough of that – but this was so much worse.

I’m sorry, Van.

“There, up we go,” Andrel said encouragingly, as Mardic and Lissa hauled Vanyel up between them. “Come on, help us out here. You need to start getting your strength back.”

Mardic grimaced. Vanyel wasn’t even trying to hold his head up. He was awake, but he was deadweight between them.

“Just a few steps to the doorway,” Andrel coaxed. “We’re going outside for a bit. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

Mardic rolled his eyes. Van hates being talked to like a child. He looked up to make eye contact with Lissa, and they half-carried Vanyel to the doorway. Van did lift his head once they were outside, blinking and grimacing at the bright light; it had finally stopped raining, at least for the afternoon, and the sun was out, the sky clear blue.

Andrel had readied a chair, padding it with folded blankets, and they eased Vanyel down into it. Yfandes followed them out of the Work Room and pranced around a little, stretching her legs in the open space, before she settled down like an enormous dog at Vanyel’s feet.

–Mardic looked away, wincing at the memory of another morning, when he and Van had carried ‘Lendel outside and watched the sunrise. It felt like a lifetime ago. A lump rose in his throat; he blinked away tears and reinforced his shields for the hundredth time.

“Good. Let me have a look at you, now.” Andrel leaned against the back of the chair and laid both hands on Vanyel’s forehead, his face slipping into the blankness of trance.

Lissa tapped Mardic’s shoulder, and held out one of the stools from inside. He took it and sat gratefully.

“How’s your training going?” he asked her, wanting something to break the silence.

“Well enough. I think I’m back in Lord Corey’s favour.” She gnawed a fingernail, then caught herself and clasped her hands in her lap. “He’ll want me to leave with them when they travel home, though.”

“When will that be?”

“Don’t know yet. He’s not sure he wants to stay the winter. His daughters want to, though, maybe they’ll convince him.” She sounded doubtful.

“Oh? Is that a thing people do?” Mardic still wasn’t very familiar with the customs of the highborn. “Hasn’t he got, like, land and stuff to look after?”

She laughed. “He’s got a competent seneschal and he left his eldest son in charge, they’ll be fine. Winter’s a good time to arrange marriages, apparently. Midwinter parties and all that.” She groaned theatrically. “I swear, his daughters are trying to map out the genealogy of every noble family in Haven. If I have to listen to one more conversation about which old man a fifth cousin of the Queen and therefore husband material, I may snap.”

Mardic smiled. “I don’t even know who my grandparents were related to.”

She looked curiously at him. “Where are you from?”

He shrugged. “Near Doe Run.” It wasn’t so far from the capital, but it was off any major trade route. “My parents were farmers. Are.”

Lissa nodded. “What did you farm?”

“Potatoes, mostly. Cabbage. My da would try to plant wheat sometimes, but the soil wasn’t right.” He grimaced. “I hate potatoes.” Three meals a day, growing up. “We kept a milch-cow, but she just made enough milk for us.” They had always ended up bartering her calves for other necessities, even though two cows would’ve meant cream and butter to sell at the village market. “Daisy. Probably dead now, she was older than me.”

Lissa looked like she didn’t know how to respond to that.

A moment later, Andrel straightened up. “Well, Van, it’ll please you to know that you’re definitely improving.” His voice was forcibly cheerful. “Your lungs are clearing up and the backlash is resolving. You do need to make more of an effort to eat, though.”

Vanyel looked dully at him through a fringe of matted hair, then closed his eyes and let his head fall back to his chest.

“Heya, Van.” Mardic dragged his stool closer. “Want me to get my gittern and I’ll play a bit?”

Vanyel shook his head without lifting it; the exhausted despair radiating from him battered at Mardic’s shields. He winced. I never seem to say the right thing.

Andrel took a step back. “I’d best go, I’m late. Don’t keep him out here more than a candlemark.”

They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.

“How’re your lessons going?” Lissa said finally.

“Fine.” Jaysen was a good enough teacher, but he wasn’t Savil. He got frustrated more easily, and Mardic had to admit that he and Donni hadn’t been the most attentive.

More silence.

“Van, how was your lesson with Savil?” he asked cautiously. She had started trying to teach him the day before, first thing in the morning when the drugs from the night before had mostly worn off and before his next dose. Mardic doubted it had been going well; Vanyel still tended to fall asleep mid-sentence, or start crying for no apparent reason.

Vanyel just shook his head.

Vanyel lay against the pillows, trying to pretend he was asleep – he wanted to be, but it was a long time since the last dose of the fiery-tasting medicine Andrel had been giving him, and the dull pain in his head was rising again. It burned, but did nothing to drive out the icy emptiness where ‘Lendel had been. He could feel Mardic’s presence a few feet away, even through the barrier Yfandes was holding between him and everything else, but he didn’t want to talk to him. Everyone seemed so determined to be cheerful, even when it was false and he could feel their thoughts full of frustration and tiredness. Everyone tried to talk to him. Like it would help. Like anything would help.

There was a quiet knock on the door. It still startled him, enough that he twitched and flinched back from the sharpened pain in his head as the floor shook a little, but people seemed to have learned not to make sudden movements or loud noises.

“Come in,” Mardic said, also keeping his voice low.

He heard the door open, and felt the gust of cold air on his cheek. And three new minds, Donni and two others he didn’t immediately recognize.

“They came to see him,” he heard Donni say.

Footsteps. He felt Mardic’s hand on his shoulder. “Van, wake up a little? You’ve got visitors.”

He reluctantly opened his eyes.

“Van.” He recognized the voice, and the face, but he couldn’t remember the girl’s name. She was one of his ‘friends’ from Court, he thought. She laid a posey of flowers across the blankets. “We heard you were Chosen.”

“And you’ve got Gifts! That’s so incredible.” Another face peered in, swimming in his vision. “What’s your Companion’s name?”

“Yfandes,” Mardic said. “Please don’t talk so loud.” He could hear Mardic’s thoughts as well now, damn it Donni why did you let them in he probably doesn’t want to see them they don’t know about ‘Lendel they’ll probably say something awful I don’t know how to tell them to leave–

The girl put a hand on his shoulder. He pulled away; whenever people touched him now, he could hear their thoughts much clearer, and he didn’t want to know what she was thinking. Didn’t want to know if she was jealous. He knew Donni was jealous of how many Gifts he had, and how strong they were. She hadn’t said anything, he had felt her stopping herself, but she didn’t have to.

“Ooh, Van? Can we touch her?” The other girl. “She’s so pretty!”

:It will make them happy: Yfandes said in his mind, feeling slightly amused. :I don’t mind:

“Listen,” Mardic started to say, “I think Van’s probably tired–”

“Van, we heard about what happened!” The first girl. Lavi, that was her name. “When Savil’s trainee went nuts and tried to kill everyone. Did you see it? That must’ve been so scary–”

He pulled the blankets over his head, turning away from them, damn it he could feel the curiosity alive in their thoughts and it burned, the aching, empty void that was always there at the back of his mind was filling everything now and it hurt so much and he didn’t want to let them see him cry. ‘Lendel, I’m sorry, they think it was your fault but it’s my fault and I wish I could have died instead. The floor shook a little, and he flinched away from the fresh molten pain behind his eyes.

:Chosen, I’m here. They don’t mean it, they didn’t mean to hurt you, please just try to calm down:

“Why don’t you come back later?” Donni said brightly. “Van’s been having a hard time and he needs to rest.”

The door closed.

“Van, I’m really sorry about that!” Mardic’s thoughts were full of distress, and too loud. “Donni should’ve known better.”

He crawled deeper under the blankets, pulling away; he wished he could tunnel right out of the world. Wished Mardic would go away. Wished they would all go away, let him crawl off to some corner and die. Like he should have in the first place.

Some time later, there was another knock.

“Herald Jaysen?” Mardic said; Vanyel could feel his confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“Savil asked me to have a go teaching him the basics.” Jaysen’s tone was calm enough, but the irritation was clear in his thoughts. “Says she’s been struggling to make any progress and maybe he needs a different teaching style.” More likely he’s just not trying, the Herald was thinking. It stung even though he didn’t want to care.

Vanyel opened his eyes and struggled to sit up against the pillows; he didn’t think he could get out of this, and better to get it over with and be left alone again. Mardic helped him, taking his shoulders and pulling him up.

“Mardic, you can go,” Jaysen said. “I’ll be with him the next candlemark.”

Mardic shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“Suit yourself. So, Trainee Vanyel.” Jaysen watched him with pale, impassive eyes. “Savil tell me she’s been trying to walk you through the basics to center and ground. This is extremely important. I’m going to try a few exercises with you. Ready?”

His vision was already swimming again, gods he was tired, but he managed to nod.

“Good. To start, focus on your breathing. I want you to pay attention to what it feels like – there should be a place that’s still, even when you’re breathing in and out–”

He tried, he really did. Trying to concentrate on anything made his head hurt worse, even breathing hurt, and he didn’t understand what Jaysen wanted him to be doing.

–Someone shook his shoulder, startling him out of a doze. “Damn it, boy!” Jaysen was glaring at him. “I didn’t say go to sleep!”

“It’s not his fault, Herald Jaysen,” Mardic said anxiously. “We’re giving him argonel, it makes him very foggy.”

“Andy told me it’d been eight candlemarks since his last dose and he ought to be with it. Vanyel, try it again.” Don’t know how Savil expects me to make progress with him, he was thinking.

:You can do this: Yfandes sent, gently. :Just focus:

I can’t. He shut his eyes tightly, tears leaking out under his eyelids, letting his hair fall to hide his face.

“Dammit!” He heard Jaysen’s fist slamming against the stone floor; it startled him again, and the ground shook. Ow. “Vanyel, do you want to kill someone with your Gifts? You need to learn control, because right now you’re dangerous!” I don’t know that I should be teaching him, he was thinking, he’s so powerful, I couldn’t hold him off if he got out of control, I’m not sure even Savil is safe to teach him–

He flinched away from the man’s thoughts and burrowed under the blankets, there was nowhere else to run to.

:That was out of line and I’ve told him off: Yfandes’ voice, very tart. :Chosen, it’s alright, you’re not going to kill anyone! I promise. We’re going to get through this:

He tried to pull away from her, too, but there was nowhere to go, he couldn’t even keep her out of his head.

“…I’m sorry, Vanyel,” Jaysen said, stiffly. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper. Listen, I – Maybe we should try another time.”

Lancir caught her in the hallway, before she could leave. “Savil? How are things?”

She didn’t want to talk about it; she wanted to go back to the suite and fall on her nose for two candlemarks before she had to meet with Keiran about the Guard recruitment targets. She was getting a bit more sleep, now, but there still wasn’t enough time in a day for everything people wanted from her.

It had been a week since Withen’s arrival; twelve days, now, since ‘Lendel’s death. Vanyel was finally healing from the backlash shock. He was eating a little. He could hold a conversation – for some definition of ‘conversation’, and he tended to fall asleep mid-sentence, but still. She thought they had even made a little progress in his lessons; he wasn’t breaking nearly as much furniture, anyway. Hopefully the training was helping him take his mind off ‘Lendel.

“Fine,” she said.

“I don’t just mean with Vanyel – I mean you. How are you holding up?”

She shook her head. A public hallway in the middle of the Palace wasn’t where she wanted to talk about it. “I’m managing.”

“I’m glad. You can always come talk to me – you know that, right?”

“Thanks.” At some point she ought to take him up on it, maybe. At least to ask his advice on how to talk to Vanyel; she didn’t think he was coping well, and she had no idea what to say to him that might help.

If she could find time. She felt like she was starting to find her balance, maybe, but she was still falling-down tired at the end of every day; it seemed impossible to just ‘fit things in’ anymore.

“You will get through this,” Lancir said. “Just – I know you’re taking on a lot. Please let us know if you need help.”

“I will.” She plastered on a quick smile. “I appreciate all you’ve done to keep my workload down.” There were a number of tasks to do with magic around this time of year, preparing the Palace for winter, but Lance had been thoughtfully handing most of that off to Kilchas and others. Meetings she could handle, as long as she could stay sitting down. “Everyone’s been very kind.” Even if they didn’t always say the right things, people were trying to look out for her. The rumours and whispers were starting to die down a little. It hurt, that something this huge was already starting to slide into the past, but it was a relief too; the looks she got, pitying or resentful or worse, had cut to the bone.

I miss you, ‘Lendel. Like a piece cut out of her chest. Maybe it would get easier, with time – but it was hard to believe that right now.