Editor's Note: This article, like its subject, is not intended for children. Some of the language used may be inappropriate for young readers.

I don't think I've anticipated a game release this much since Space Quest V. For twelve years the pressure has been building. For twelve years we've seen this project go from the most amazing property ever, to a massive failure, to the king of vaporware. Of course I'm talking about Duke Nukem Forever, but unlike my colleagues around the Internet, this isn't a straightforward review.

I got my copy of Duke a week late, since they sent the PC version instead of the Xbox 360 version. And since I no longer am reviewing a Maingear PC, I don't have a computer that can handle the requirements on the PC version. I think in the end, it was a good thing I got the copy a bit late and wasn't obligated to write a review. I think Chris Kohler over at Game|Life summed up the game pretty nicely. Fact is, his review for the most part is spot on. How can I follow that with similar sentiments?

Plus, I don't have to deal with the fallout from the PR firm handling this release and their not-so-wise snub of reviewers who gave Duke a less than favorable write-up (almost all of them). Nothing like getting threatened on Twitter with a possible blacklisting in reply to a negative review. That's some weak sauce right there. So by now you are probably wondering what I think of the game. Is this going to be another less-than-favorable review? Hell, no. I know what I like, and I like to blow s–t up.

You see, the standard for FPS games has changed. Duke Nukem Forever is not the FPS game of today, it's the FPS game of yesteryear. It hearkens back to the days of Quake and Doom, run-and-gun action mixed with chaos, constant unadulterated chaos. It's not a take-cover-and-pick-your-shots game like Gears of War or Call of Duty. It's not a free roaming quest based FPS like Far Cry. It's a "charge into a room and beat an alien with your fists then kick his freaking head off" game. That's what you have to be looking for when purchasing and playing this game. If you are looking for a comparable FPS to the offerings on the market today, as far as depth of environment, gameplay and strategy - this game is not those things. Duke Nukem is an alien ass-kicking badass. The game reflects that very well. Hell, you don't have a health meter in the game – you have an EGO meter.

Aside from the EGO meter, the environments are completely interactive. Yes, you start the game off taking a piss and you can grab a piece of poop and smear it on the walls. Then you are receiving oral sex from a couple of pop star twins (who are impregnated by the aliens later). It's obscene, it's disgustingly juvenile and hilarious all the same. Kind of like a Farrelly brothers movie. On that note, this game is not for children. At all. It's sexually suggestive, crude and full of f-bombs. That's the long and short of the parent's guide to this game.

The adult's guide to the game is like this: It's extremely linear with tons of hidden easter eggs and jokes. The environments are interactive – not destructive – there is always stuff to do. The online multi-player mode is chaotic fun. You can tell this is where Gearbox spent a good deal of time. I'm not saying it's seamless and perfect, but it's obnoxiously entertaining. The fact is that people that started their FPS obsession with Halo and Call of Duty won't like the gameplay, at all. It's we "old folk" who remember the crazy FPS games of the 1990s who will get all nostalgic.

Stripping away Duke Nukem and all that entails, the game is a mediocre FPS when compared with current games on the market. The graphics seem a bit dated, the load times are too long, there are technical glitches and the game is a mere five hours of campaign (if you don't ever stop to play pool or screw around in some other way). Gearbox puts out good games, so while some might be surprised that the quality isn't up to their normal standards, I'm not. I have a theory:

Duke Nukem is a throwback to our youth. I was a mere teenager when Duke Nukem 3D was released. Trying to re-create those feelings playing as Duke is a nearly impossible task. So it makes sense Gearbox didn't try to re-create the wheel. They just slapped some second hand rims on it. The feeling is that they didn't advance what 3D Realms was working on, they just polished the turd a bit and shoved it out the door. They had to: Duke Nukem Forever had to be released, and it had to be released now.

According to Ben Kuchera over at ArsTechnica, that's exactly what happened. "This is an execution of 3D Realms' design," said Steve Gibson, the VP of Marketing for Gearbox, "We didn't redesign the game at all. We took their concept, their design, and their ideas, and we finished them. We polished them and executed on them."

When I was at PAX East, I was told by a Gearbox representative that "we just wanted to get the game out." Now, that's a bit out of context and he was referring to the years of hype surrounding the release, but taken out of context it makes a bit of sense. This game had to come out in order to move forward. In whatever state it was in, however antiquated and out-dated it might feel, Duke had to return to the public in some form in order to evolve.

Buy or not buy? (Image Gearbox & 2k)

While there are plenty of jokes in the game about it taking 12 years to come out, the fact is one more year may have killed the name of Duke Nukem Forever. Releasing it now, regardless of perfection, was key. Remember, it was that drive for perfection that killed 3D Realms. Now, no matter the success of this game, Gearbox will be able to build on the future of Duke Nukem and I guarantee the sequel will be freaking amazing. Because even if this release completely bombs in the marketplace – and early reviews aren't very favorable – it doesn't matter: Duke has a fan base, and that's the spark. A sequel could succeed, but only if it's a better game. In a sense though, because of the weight of the name, no matter the negative reviews the game is almost critic proof. In a sense.

If you asked me as a semi-professional video game reviewer if would I spend 60 bucks on the game after playing it, I'd say probably not. I'd recommend waiting until the price drops or just renting it. It's disturbingly fun as hell but seemingly falls short as a whole package FPS. The multi-player adds some re-playability to it and a chance for online debauchery but that's your call. If you asked me that same question as a Duke Nukem fan boy with a geek-on for raucous death and destruction my answer might be a bit different.

Thinking back, and considering the criticism of Duke Nukem Forever, compared to other games on the market at the time, Duke 3D sucked as far as technical specifications. However, it was pure fun. That was the buying point, that was the reason we played and laughed with Duke. It was just fun. I think we, as FPS gamers, may have forgotten what that is like with the depth that games have taken over the years. Games now are so involved, so immersible that they seem almost like an alternate reality, instead of taking you away from reality. Duke is gritty, violent, dirty and stupidly immature. It's full of poop jokes, boobs, sex jokes, beer, blood and guts and smartassery.

Maybe I'm just a fanboy with this idea that Duke Nukem is more than it is. Duke is iconic. I'll bet you can't name another shooter out on the market place right now that fills the kind of chaotic game void created by strategic FPS games. I'm tired of ducking behind cover and sniping. I'm tired of taking a one-shot death from a thug because I didn't stay hidden perfectly in the shadows. I'm tired of driving around a map for an hour searching for someone I need to talk to for the next mission. Sometimes all I want is to run into a room guns blazing. Sometimes I want the stupid boob jokes and egotistical swagger. Sometimes I want to punch aliens in their heads with my bare fists, then kick their heads across the room like a football. Sometimes I want to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of gum. Hail to the king, baby.