Breaking up is not the end of the world. The sudden ending of a relationship can be heartbreaking and sometimes soul-destroying. It feels like we will never be able to love again, open up again or even that we are maybe not even worthy of being or feeling loved.

If it wasn’t bad enough that we have been dragged through the emotional ringer, we insist on prolonging our pain by going through all of the things that we could have done that could have saved the relationship. And sometimes we go as far as trying to convince the other person that we are worthy of their affection and attention.

But why? Everyone has different motivations, but it boils down to feeling like we are not a whole person without them. That we have pinned all of our hopes, dreams and happiness on the future that we have imagined with this person. Do we do this because that’s what we see on TV or in the movies? Women pining for the person that has walked out. With elaborate plans to win them back and getting their fairy-tale ending. Here’s the reality check. Life doesn’t work like it does in the movies. Your original expectations of becoming an independent person may be different from the results that are achieved.

But if you take a step back and remove the emotions from the situation, you’ll find that there are benefits, growth and opportunities that can come from a breakup. Here’s 5 crucial steps to get over a break up:

Learn to live without

This is your chance to learn to be a “me” not a “we”. I have friends who are always getting their hearts torn out then run straight into the arms of the next person who shows interest. It’s like a revolving door of rebound relationships. Not realising that the relationships aren’t working because they have no idea of who they are outside of trying to be the “perfect” partner.

You are worth more than what someone else thinks of you. Learn to love choosing what to watch on Netflix, cooking dinner for one (or having ALL the leftovers to eat), going out where and when you want, singing loudly in the shower, and more importantly pleasuring yourself.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

There’s never been a truer word said. Resilience is a life skill that’s not given enough opportunity to develop in my generation and the ones that have come after. It has left us to try and fumble our way through a world that can be extraordinarily cruel, as underequipped adults.

Take this heartbreak and use it as an opportunity to build your resilience to life’s crappy moments. Remember that the empathy that you develop can help you help others that end up in the same situation that you found yourself in.

I’m walking on sunshine

Probably not something that you’d be thinking about straight away, but you’ll find after a little while, you’ll learn to appreciate the light moments. Those giggle-snorting, wetting your pants hilarious moments when your friend tells a joke so bad that it’s funny or that moment when you step outside into the morning sunshine after days of rain.

It’s the light that will help you pull through the dark periods, like the ones at 2am when you’re lying in bed alone with you mind racing around in circles. Wondering what we could have done differently to change enough to fit whatever ideal that our ex may have had in their head.

Perfect

Hey, guess what?! Those trivial things don’t seem to matter so much anymore, do they? Having your heart trampled can help you find some perspective in life. Suddenly realising that not getting X-amount of likes on that Facebook post, having a full social calendar, or wearing makeup because someone made a comment about you looking tired without it.

No more having to spend all of your energy trying to be perfect for someone else. Freeing up mental energy, time and money so that you can do things that remind you that you are perfect, just the way that you are. Time to spend with people who build you up, not use your insecurities to tear you down.

Get back up again

Always wanted to buy that Groupon voucher for a boozy night of painting and vino? Planned that trip overseas, but the ex didn’t want to travel and made you feel guilty for wanting to go with friends instead? Found that beautiful little kitten at the shelter, but the ex only likes dogs? Gone out for dinner and wanted dessert, but the ex looked at you sideways and told you that you were looking a little fat, so you didn’t order it?

Guess what? You can do what you want to do now. Paint naked men, while drinking copious amounts of wine with friends at that art and wine class. Book that overseas trip to the place you wanted to go because you now don’t have to spend every last hour of your annual leave visiting his family interstate. Snuggle on the sofa with your fluffy kitty and order all of the diabetes-inducing sweets that you fancy.

Post-breakup is a time for self-care and self-discovery. Especially at the end of a long term relationship where you may not who you are without the other person. But, take a word from someone who has been there and experienced that, you will pull through and if you can learn to be whole without someone else, then when the time comes to venture into another relationship, you will be a stronger person who knows what you’re looking for and what you need to compliment your life and how you live it. If you are finding it extremely complicated, you may just need to break up with love addiction.

Author: Mia is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

Jennifer works marketing at Adultsmart an online sex toy shop. She has a non-judgemental approach to sex, sex toys and sexuality. Her favorite saying is if it feels good and right and is not illegal then why not! adultsmart.com.au

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