Roy Keane has shocked the footballing world by confirming that he will undergo gender reassignment surgery in London next April. The Corkman recently revealed his identity struggles during a wide-ranging interview.

Mother

“I guess I’ve always known,” said the former UTD captain, who confirmed that he is a homosexual woman trapped in the body of a man. “My mother walked in on me dressed as Whitney Houston, prancing around, lip-synching to ‘I want to Dance with Somebody’. She beat me unconscious with the wooden spoon, which is what mothers did in those days, and we never spoke of it again.”

“It was a different time,” added Keane. “Nowadays the spoon would probably be aluminium, or some manner of lightweight metal.”

“I loved every minute of being a footballer,” said Keane. “But the trophies, the medals, the money — I’d trade it all for a vagina.”