Our son spent the long weeks of last year's summer holidays bunkered in his room — mastering foreign domains, roaming landscapes full of gunfire and explosions, fighting alongside teammates with American accents.

Given six weeks of freedom, he spent as many hours in those worlds as possible, progressing from occasional Minecrafter to proper gamer.

I was freaked out, yet I wasn't quite sure why.

Then I remembered that when I was around 12, I'd planned a manifesto on "How Kids Think". At its heart was a longing for adults to regard my interests as seriously as I did. If my fate was to become a dull, unknowing grown-up, I wanted a bridge back to the other side.

Clearly I needed to have a proper conversation with my son about his gaming, to find out what was so damn fascinating about it that he rarely touched a book, a bike, or anything that wasn't virtual.

I also needed to satisfy myself he was safe, and that his personality wasn't being warped in some major way.

He was more than happy to sit down with me for a long chat about it.

Through talking in an intentional way about his gaming, I won a deeper understanding of my son, and, to a degree that respects his privacy, we restored the open communication we had when he was younger. The process was a great relief to both of us.

For anyone feeling a million miles from the digital world of their gamer kids, I urge you to start talking with them.

How to have a conversation about gaming

1. Convince your child you're interested

If in the past you've mostly referred to their favourite hobby as a pointless waste of time, you may need to open with a mea culpa.

Then, explain that you genuinely want to find out about what they're playing — and make a date with them for a conversation.

You'll need a proper amount of unimpeded time (we talked for four hours over two days). At first, get them to talk to you, not show you on the computer. Bring excellent snacks.

2. Make them the expert

For young people, one of computer gaming's major appeals is the sense of agency they have in their on-screen lives.

They get to trial an independence that's barely, if ever, present in reality. Each time they play, even the youngest child is questing, decision-making and accruing experience.

Let them bring that authority into your relationship for a while. Allow them to be the expert in this thing that matters to them, while you ask the dumb questions.

There will be so much stuff you don't understand, and that they'll love explaining. Let go of your pride; let yourself be awkward and daft.

You're talking about a game — don't ask them to justify its educational aspects. ( unsplash.com: John Sting )

3. Shut up and listen

Remember when they were learning to walk? Learning to play violin, ride a bike, or do that dance? You paid so much attention, your eyes could have burst. Give them a bit of that again.

At first what you're hearing may be about as interesting as your uncle's account of his latest surgery, but keep listening, and keep asking questions.

And pay proper attention, because you'll get bonus points with your gamer for remembering the details and referring to them later.

4. Look for the buzz

When your kid is describing something that gives them a buzz, go with it: get them to tell you the best fun they ever had in that game, the highest score, the best rank.

If something makes your child this proud and happy, you want to know about it, right? Whatever you do, try not to mock.

Listen out for what they define as achievements, and try acknowledging or praising them in the same way you would with any other hobby.

Do they play a game that's sounds completely ridiculous and nonsensical? Cool. Remember you're talking about a game, and don't ask them to justify its educational aspects.

5. Don't panic

Digital natives are constantly being lectured about cyber safety, at school and elsewhere. They think they're all over it, and that you can't tell them anything, so you may as well acknowledge this situation out loud.

You might also want to remind them it's your job to help them stay safe, and see if you can't find a balance between responsible parenting and being a total buzzkill.

Games can provide connection between parent and child when other parts of life go pear-shaped. ( Flickr.com: Joshua Livingston (CC-BY-2.0) )

Agree on limits around protecting privacy together. Go over your family's baseline rules for being a decent human and socialising with others. These should apply in virtual interactions as much as in real life.

Then agree to trust your gamer to manage themselves online and come to you if there's a problem. Make it clear it's your job to intervene when necessary.

For all the cautionary tales of grooming and bullying, I'm willing to bet there are many more kids making real online friends, and finding social confidence and capital they don't have in the schoolyard.

And the less you panic about this stuff when you have these early conversations, the easier it is for them to come to you if things get weird.

Conversation starters

What do you play? You'll likely discover your gamer has a whole suite, or library, of games of endless variety. Start by asking them to categorise the different types, or genres, of games they play — shooters, role-playing games and so on — and then get specific within the genres.

How do you play? What are you good at? What would you like to improve at?

Who do you play with? Do you play regularly with real people? Maybe in a squad, or a clan? What's it like playing against anonymous people, and bots? What sort of avatars do you have?

What do you wish I understood about gaming?

What next?

Once you've acknowledged gaming is serious fun for your young person, and can conceive of it as time spent — rather than time wasted — it becomes much easier to negotiate which games are allowed and how much time is devoted to playing them.

Put yourself right out there, and ask your gamer to teach you how to play. You may negotiate a swap: you'll spend two hours playing Bastion and they'll agree to spend time trying something you want to teach them..

For younger teenagers, you could make a grand gesture to demonstrate that you "get it" and throw a birthday or unbirthday party that includes gaming.

Look into game design workshops, summer schools, code camps, and other meet-ups that will expand on any expressed interest in game making.

There's also tremendous leverage here. You can use gaming time as a bribe, a reward ... and a connection point when other parts of life go pear-shaped.

And if you are worried about anything that comes up when you're talking with your gamer, find a third party who can help you work through the issues.