LOS ANGELES – The Giants, Cardinals and Mets each have an 80-71 record and are locked in a three-way tie for two wild card spots after the conclusion of Tuesday night’s games.

Say, what if the season were to end that way? How nutty would that be? And how would the two wild card teams be determined?

Glad you asked. We hope you’re sober. Go get a bottle of aspirin, to be safe, then come back at your leisure.

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(b-b-b-benny and the jets…)

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Ready? OK. Here goes:

There is a very complicated set of tiebreakers to determine seeding designation, but they do not determine the actual wild card teams. Those ties would get broken on the field with two additional games. Here is how it would happen:

Team A would host the first game against Team B, with the winner advancing to the wild card game. The loser of that first tiebreaker game would not be eliminated. Rather, the loser would go on the road to play at Team C in a second tiebreaker game. The winner of that second tiebreaker game would then advance to the wild card game.

How does the league designate the three teams as A, B and C?

The first criteria is combined head-to-head record.

The Mets and Cardinals went 3-3 against each other, and both went 4-3 against the Giants. The combined head-to-head records, then:

Mets 7-6

Cardinals 7-6

Giants 6-8

You might have noticed that the Mets and Cardinals would still be tied. How would the league break that tie?

The next criteria is intra-division record – in other words, the Mets’ record against the NL East vs. the Cardinals’ record against the NL Central. (This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either, since you’re comparing two very different schedules, but whatever.)

The Cardinals hold a 2 ½-game edge at the moment, since they are 36-30 against the NL Central and the Mets are 33-32 against the NL East. But the Cardinals have 10 games to play within their division, while the Mets have 11. So it’ll be awhile before we get some clarity on this. It could change.

Let’s say for the sake of illustration, though, that the Cardinals win the intradivision record tiebreaker. They are designated as Team A, and would host the Mets, right?

Probably. But not definitely.

Here’s the thing: teams aren’t automatically designated as A, B and C based on this set of tiebreaker criteria. The criteria only determines the order in which teams get to select their designation.

In our little illustration, the Cardinals would get first choice and would pick to be Team A. That’s an automatic call. You get a home tiebreaker game, plus a loss would not eliminate you.

But the team with the second designation, which would be the Mets as we currently sit, would be confronted with a choice that could merit a bit of internal discussion.

They could choose to be Team B and go on the road, knowing that a loss would not eliminate them. (But a second loss, on the road at Team C, would.) In the simplest terms, Team B would get into the wild card game if they can win one of two games on the road.

Or they could choose to be Team C and take a home game, with one shot at winning to get into the wild card game.

On the surface, it seems rather obvious that you would rather be Team B than Team C. Why lock yourself into a back-against-the-wall elimination game unless it’s absolutely necessary?

In the Mets’ case, it seems an especially obvious strategic choice, given the fact that they have Noah Syndergaard and a lot of rotation filler after injuries to Jacob deGrom and Matt Harvey. As Team B, they could throw someone other than Syndergaard against the Cardinals, hoping to sneak into the wild card game without spending their ace and saving him for the actual wild card game. And if they were to lose the first tiebreaker game, then they’d spend the bullet and throw Syndergaard against Team C, and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

The biggest downside would be the travel. In the Mets’ case, it could mean, at worst, this: playing the season finale on a Sunday in Philadelphia, then Monday in St. Louis, then if they were to lose, Tuesday in San Francisco, and then if they’d win, it’s back to the actual wild card game Wednesday in St. Louis.

All for the right to walk gasping into Wrigley Field on that Friday to begin a best-of-5 NL Division Series against the big, bad Chicago Cubs.

Have we popped any blood vessels in your brain yet?

Well, assuming you are here because you are Giant-centric, let’s boil it down for you:

If the Cardinals, Mets and Giants finish in a three-way tie for two wild card spots, the Giants almost certainly would be Team C. And that means the Giants would play host to an elimination tiebreaker game Tuesday, Oct. 4 at AT&T Park. Lose and they go on vacation for the winter. Win and they advance to play the wild card game the very next day in New York or St. Louis.

And there you have it.

Remember, this only applies if the Cardinals, Mets and Giants finish with identical records. If it’s only a two-team tiebreaker between wild card teams, then all you’re determining is home field advantage for the wild card game. And you don’t break that tie on the field.

So if the Giants tie the Mets or Cardinals atop the wild card standings, then it’s pretty easy. They lost the season series to both the Cardinals and the Mets. So they would be the road team. And if the Giants tie the Mets or Cardinals for the second wild card, then they’d have to win consecutive road games against both clubs for the right to face the Cubs.

Got it? Okay, good.

Now, just to be safe, please wait two or three hours before attempting to operate any heavy machinery.