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There are some things you must just do, or must not do, as a photographer. Today’s post is to help all of you navigate that minefield…

Do not:

Retouch your makeup using your phone as a mirror before taking a selfie. There are apps that can do that afterwards. But you must pout; there isn’t an app for that yet

Claim to be a professional but carry a camera smaller than your face

Waste time postprocessing – shoot JPEG!

Bother with spare batteries; they’re just a waste of space

Ever use a flash without some sort of transparent modern sculpture on top to block the light

Waste time reading articles about philosophy; everybody knows it’s all about bokeh

Ask permission before taking pictures

Carry a tripod – you’re probably not going to use it anyway, and it just hurts your back. If you must carry one to look pro, then use the lightest one you can find

Waste time thinking and taking only one or two pictures – spray it at 10fps, just in case. Shoot everything. You have to feel it, man

Print – your iPhone screen is for looking at pictures

Reduce photos in size before emailing them. You want the other party to enjoy the hundred blurry, overexposed images of your kids as much as you do

Half press the shutter: that’s slow! Just jab it all the way down, as hard as you can. Today’s cameras are so smart they’ll understand you’re in a hurry.

Hold the camera tight – be loose, be fluid. It’s good for creativity

Ever go anywhere without the battery grip attached

Go anywhere or do anything without photographing it. To photograph it is to experience it; you can always watch the video or look at the photos later.

Do:

Place your camera as close to the bride’s face as possible when attending a wedding

Use wide angle lenses for portraits

Believe that artists can still ‘make it big’

Work only ‘for exposure’

Make sure you ‘follow up’ with models after a shoot; ensure you get their cell phone numbers for this

Pre-order every single new camera as soon as it’s rumoured, then cancel it because you really want the next one after that in the hopes it’ll solve all of your problems

Buy the biggest memory card you can, shoot every single picture to that, and never have to bother with this pesky downloading thing

Shoot wide open, all the time, with the fastest lens you can find

Shoot from popular spots: if there are a lot of people with cameras there already, it must be a good place to take a photograph!

Trust the judgement of people who are paid by the camera makers: after all, they must know what they’re talking about since that’s their job 🙂

Use as many filters as you can

Add shake and grain for ‘atmosphere’

Clean your lenses regularly. Your finger is a nice soft surface, but if there’s stubborn dirt, you might need something stronger, like sandpaper.

Use a longer selfie-pole so you can get more of the background in; better yet, use a GoPro too because it has a wider lens

Sell every piece of equipment you own to switch systems to the direct competitor because it has 2MP more, and then spend the next two years learning the buttons…until your old brand has 3MP more, and switch back.

Take hundreds of pictures of every meal you eat to document it comprehensively for your three followers

Photograph inside interesting places, to make interesting images: police stations, jails, opposite sex bathrooms, motorcycle clubs, strip clubs, favelas…

Carry your gear with as much prominent branding as possible: you want everybody to know you are a real, serious photographer

Believe you can quit your job and ‘make it’ as an artist after buying your first DSLR

Start a site selling photographic accessories, like paranormal apparatus

Reply all trolls! They will die without feeding.

Always leave your camera set to maximum speed burst for a more professional feeling

Sell all of your best stuff to a micro stock agency: they will get you maximum exposure

Photograph your camera with your iPhone, and use your iPhone to photograph

Assess the quality of any camera based on a little web jpeg shot by a ‘professional reviewer’

Write reviews, instead of wasting time shooting. If possible, review gear that you haven’t seen/used/tried

A photo without filters is not a photo.

Wear the loudest clothes possible to match your camera strap

Read every single review before buying anything

Remember, reviewers’ opinions are gospel. Even if they can’t take a single halfway decent image.

Use the AF assist light: your camera can’t see otherwise

Use the LCD on the back to compose – why look through a teeny little hole? Hold it at arms’ length to avoid eye strain

Actually, photograph with your iPad: the screen is even bigger!

And in the unlikely case you didn’t get it…happy April 1st 🙂 MT

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