‘Where’s my f*cking medal’ demands horse

Charlotte Dujardin’s horse Valegro has demanded to know why he hasn’t been given a gold medal like the woman he carries around.

Speaking after essentially allowing Dujardin defend her Individual Dressage title a visibly upset Valegro told reporters that the time has come for horses to be properly rewarded.

“Charlotte’s been telling me what a good boy I am and all that kind of shit,” said Valegro.

“Apparently, I’m in line for some extra sugar lumps and a couple of apples – well whoop-de-fucking-do.

“I don’t want a Golden Delicious; I want a sodding gold medal thank you very much.

“After all, it’s me that’s doing all the work out there, prancing about like a total bellend while Her Ladyship takes all the credit. It was 35 degrees today for fucks sake; I’m knackered!

“I want to stand on a specially made podium with the medal round my neck and tears in my eyes listening to the theme from Black Beauty cranked up to eleven while the flag goes up.

“My mates are all racehorses you know, they think it’s hilarious to see me poncing about like a glorified poodle at Crufts, but a gold medal would shut them right up.”

Dujardin has apologised to Valegro but claims she was unaware that her long-term partner was unhappy.

“I’d no idea he was so glum,” said the three-time gold medalist.

“Although he did have a bit of a long face when we finished.

“I’ll get my show coat.”