A dad’s hysterical texts to his wife after their son vomited are going viral

Every parent has an epic barf story, and we trade them like old generals recounting the horrors of war, but despite the terrible things we’ve all seen, it’s likely none of us has a story as hilariously awful as this one. Recently, a dad posted some screenshots of texts he sent to his wife after their toddler threw up in the the car, and his story is so outlandish, it’s got thousands of parents laughing and dry heaving in sympathy.

It all started one night when Ben Patterson says he met up with his wife, Stephanie, to switch cars so she could go out with some friends and he could head home with their kids. On the way there, his son, Declan, unleashed the mother of all vomits. Patterson took a photo and sent it to his wife, who didn’t respond. Things unraveled pretty quickly from there:

So this just happened

I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself

Call me

I just threw up trying to clean him up

It smells SO BAD

You’d think the vomit-covered baby and lack of response from his wife would be the worst part of Patterson’s night, but nope. That’s not all that happened. Patterson was stopped on the side of the road near some random lady’s front lawn, so of course, she saw him throw up and came out of the house to accuse him of drunk driving with his children in the car. Oh, and she called the cops:

I seriously don’t know what to do, I’m barfing every time I try to clean him up

I’m puking on some lady’s lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I’m drunk while driving the kids

I’m trying to explain that I’m a sympathetic vomiter and can’t handle the smell

This is so bad

Aaaaand now the cops showed up

Aaaaand now a breathalyzer

YOU OWE ME SO BIG

Patterson, sympathetic vomiter extraordinaire, passed the breathalyzer with flying colors and was finally able to head home with his still-vomiting son — not that the drive was in any way pleasant.

meanwhile Declan continues to barf

WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER

ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!

At least I passed the breathalyzer

Trying to drive home with the windows down and breathing through my shirt

If there’s one thing we can all take away from Patterson’s story, it’s that parenthood is pretty much always the worst case scenario. It’s not just poop, pee, or throw up. It’s also nosy strangers calling the cops and your spouse not answering their phone. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong, and we should probably all carry a spare Hazmat suit just in case.

At least in this instance, Patterson ended up with a funny story he can share at playgroups and birthday parties forever and ever — even if he and his son did ruin a car seat, permanently taint his his wife’s car, soil someone’s front lawn, and almost get arrested in the process.

UPDATE: Okay, so there was no breathalyzer test. It’s still hilarious.