I’m a Social Media #Nonfluencer and I’m Living My Worst Life

Here’s a #selfie of me in my workout clothes ready to get in the best shape of my life, which is of a potato.

It was worth stopping and smelling this rose even though I had an allergy attack from the pollen. #justbreathe #notwithoutalbuterol

Don’t you love this amazing air fryer? I got it off Amazon because my agoraphobia is crippling. #womenbeshopping #keto

#Blessthismess, because I’m a hoarder and need professional help.

Feast your eyes through my feet to the ocean. Actually, it’s just a picture of a picture of a beach precariously positioned between my ingrown, unpolished toenails. You might want to ignore the hangnail on my bunion toe. I’m going in for outpatient surgery next week. #deductiblelikewhoah

My #thighgap is necessary to ward off the chafing that happens in this blistering heat. #chubrub

Check out Hans, the cute waiter that just informed me my salad had trace amounts of nuts in it. #Throatclosing

#Squadgoals: Rose, Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia — the #GoldenGirls — of which I’ve been binge-watching for the last 48 hours because my incredibly painful gallstones have left me bedridden.

KEEP CALM — well, I refuse to, at least not while I’m down to one Xanax and my “afraid to fly” excuse is only getting me so far with my doctor. #findyourbliss

My glistening, plump lips are the result of a wasp sting. #nofillers #nofilters #yesepipen

This Whole3000 calorie cheeseburger meal on an extra #gluten bun with onion rings and a side of crispy fries made my rheumatism flare up, but it was worth it. #inflammation

How adorable is this toddler? He’s not mine, I had a #hysterectomy years ago. #mywhy

Live from my couch — where it’s all about Netflix and Chill, and by “Netflix and Chill” I mean to lay here with my husband and watch exactly 13 minutes of the buzzy comedy special before there’s a volley of snoring since we both suffer from sleep apnea. #cpap #myhappyplace

Look at this boat on a nearby marina, which I’ll never get on because they’re just watery grave delivery systems. #landlubber

This is my dog.