A summary of headlines no one wants to read.

DotaPit Threatens PPD’s Roommate

Sources say if the roommate watches the DotaPit stream while EG is playing and while logged into PPD’s account ever again, DotaPit may be forced to send a strongly worded letter.

“I apologize for my mistake, and I take full responsibility,” said PPD’s roommate, who looked suspiciously like EG manager Charlie “MegaLift” Yang in whiteface.

DotaPit Admins Running out of Stern Looks

After several teams breaking breaking various tournament rules, DotaPit administrators are running critically low on warnings and looks of disapproval.

“We may have to resort to sending emails with attachments of selfies from Greg ‘WhatIsHip’ Laird,” said one admin. No other rule violations occurred in the tournament.

Na`Vi Allegedly Used Pause Screen Dakimakura as Standin for XBOCT

According to D2CL officials, spectators and casters could not recognize the difference until weeks later.

Two More CIS Players Disappear over Na`Vi Roster Triangle

Authorities are currently searching the wreckage for any sign of the future careers of Gleb “Funn1k” Lipatnikov and Ivan “ArtStyle” Antonov.

ODPixel Donates Bandwagon to Low Income Bald Casters

After being selected to cast “all matches from now until forever,” Dota2 Subreddit Weekly President-Elect Owen “ODPixel” Davies has announced his intention to donate his bandwagon to less fortunate casters who have lost their hair in tragedies of nature.

“Be free, bandwagon. Someone without hair needs you,” said Davies as he tearfully took his bandwagon into the forest behind Shaneomad’s and Draskyl’s house and threw rocks at it until it left him alone.

Lance Armstrong to sell Dota 2 Themed Wristbands

Nike representatives have confirmed the disgraced cyclist’s 2015 Comeback Tour will feature special Dota 2 rubber wristbands that replace “Live Strong” with “Bonus Gold.”