Buy these items now or you hate your child.

Baby Hanger

Retail price: $39.99

One thing we can all agree on as parents: babies are slippery little eels. You set the trickster down in one place, leave the room to fold some laundry, mix a cocktail, or solder a circuit board, and when you come back the baby is nowhere to be found.

I don’t care how old they are, the one true rule of babies is they’re never where you left them.

That’s why I love my Babykeeper Baby Hanger from Mommysentials. You just clip that lil wiggleworm to a door frame or closet rod and they aren’t going anywhere any time soon. Note: Dr. Dad is not advocating locking babies in closets. You should leave the door open when hanging your baby in there.

Double Note: Find a better term for this than “hanging the baby.”

Get it here: Babykeeper Baby Hanger, by Mommysentials

Baby Perfume

Retail price: $30.00

One thing we can all agree on as parents: babies stink. They have that weird “baby smell” that all moms complain about. It’s like New Car Smell for humans. We’re all just waiting for it to disappear and be replaced by the scent of whatever garbage food we put into it.

So what do you do with your little onion-head during that awkward time when you’re waiting for the baby-stink to dissipate? Well you just shower the grody lil grub in Love. That’s the name of the perfume – Love, by Chic Baby. Whether or not you actually love your baby is your choice, and I support your decision either way.

It should be noted that Love is specifically for lady-babies. For masculine children we recommend Mustela’s Musti Eau de Soin. Love smells ultra-feminine with its “delicate floral scent,” however Musti’s “delicate fragrance of citrus and floral” is perfect for the rough and tumble lifestyle of a man-baby.

Get it here: Love, by Baby Chic

Eiderdown Pillows

Retail price: $2,599.00 to $7,199.00

One thing we can all agree on: if your baby sleeps on anything less than premium-quality linens, then it will grow up to be a peasant. Becoming acculturated to roughness and discomfort has a lasting psychologic effect on a child that can cause them to become satisfied with mediocrity, a malady that can affect them even into their adult years.

The filling for Cuddletown’s Eiderdown Heirloom Silk Pillow is collected by hand from the abandoned nests of female Scandanavian Eider ducks, and only after first receiving their written consent. Its 410-thread count silk jacquard is double-stitched, triple-thackered, and safety-tested on babies that aren’t as cute as yours.

Ultimately, if you’re not willing to shell out the price of a used midsized sedan for a pillow, then you might as well just put them down for the night in a granite quarry.

Get it here: Eiderdown Heirloom Silk Pillow by Cuddletown

Stemmed Baby Bottle Goblet

Retail price: $21.70

While we’re on the subject of mediocre babies, let’s discuss baby bottles. You may not have realized this, because your tastes are as pedestrian as your infant’s, but the standard baby bottle provides a sub-optimal drinking experience for your budding epicurean.

The contact of your child’s hand with their bottle can affect the temperature of their milk or formula, which obviously must be kept at very specific levels in order for the optimal suckling experience. I’m sure it goes without saying, but just for the terrible parents out there natural breast milk will always taste best when chilled to nearly frozen levels, around 40° Fahrenheit.

Formula should be served steaming hot, like a chowder or bisque, generally in the 190°-200°F range, while standard whole dairy milk is best at a True Room Temperature. Of course by True Room Temperature (TRT) I am using the vintner’s standard room temperature, which reflected the temperature of castles in the 1500s and 1600s when the vinification process was being codified (63°).

A Stemmed Baby Goblet from Taimot allows you to build good table manners and dining habits from an early age. This allows them to build good eating habits from an early age, such as swirling your formula in the glass to check its legs, or smelling your breast formula first so that you can detect all of its more subtle notes.

If you allow your child to just suck from the nipple of a hand-held bottle, then I can only assume you’re also the type of parent that won’t intervene when their child starts befriending “B” students.

Get it here: Taimot Stemmed Baby Goblet

Alembic Infant Capsule

Retail price: $299.95 USD or 7.2 LTC

One thing is for sure: standard bassinets are woefully inadequate for nero-somatic enmeshment, not to mention brainstem pliability.

The only bassinet that graded as Clearly Competent by the Idaho State Bar and as Choice by the USDA is the Nuna x PBK LEAF Grow Alembic Capsule from Pottery Barn. The Nuna x PBK LEAF Grow Alembic Capsule uses a Caviar Broken Arrow base and a vertebral column to ensure structural cohesion and aesthetic euphonia.

It’s PBA-rated for both gyroscopic and laminar spin, and the phthalate-free theridiian webbing is convertible for both orb-webs and sheet webs. There are no batteries, plugs or cords to worry about as the self-rocking mechanism relies on Finnish frictionless skim-pads made from osofasogonia-5 mined humanely from the Alpha Regio tessarae.

If this alembic infant capsule isn’t enough to stimulate your youngster’s developing mind, improve it’s balance and stamina, and achieve counterpoise with baby’s Fermicutes and Bacteroidetes, then you might as well just give your baby up to the Gamma Corps.

Buy it here: Nuna x PBK LEAF Grow Alembic Capsule from Pottery Barn.