- I AM SO SICKOF THAT STUPID BITCH. BLABBING, PRISSY LITTLE SKANK! WHY DO PEOPLETALK ON THEIR PHONE LIKE THAT? I CAN'T EVEN GETA MINUTE OF PEACE BEFORE THAT BITCH WALKS IN HOLDING THE CELL PHONEOUT LIKE THIS AND TALKING ON SPEAKERPHONE. NOBODY WANTS TO HEARYOUR GODDAMN CONVERSATIONS, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT! - YEAH, NO, DUDE,I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS THE WORST PAININ MY ENTIRE LIFE. - HOW MANY HOURSWERE YOU GUYS PLAYING? - LIKE, SIX HOURS, DUDE, AND MY FRIENDS WERE ALL LIKE,"DUDE, CARTMAN, WE NEED YOUTO KEEP PLAYING DEFENSE." - ARGH! - YOU WERE PLAYING FOOTBALL? - YEAH, BUT I WAS LIKE,"I CAN'T YOU GUYS. I TWISTED MY ANKLE." IN THE END, THOUGH,THEY REALLY NEEDED ME TO PLAY, SO I JUST PLAYEDTHROUGH THE PAIN. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?- THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED! YOU TOTALLY STARTED CRYINGAND QUIT THE GAME! - KYLE, THIS ISA PRIVATE CONVERSATION. - THEN TAKE THAT SHITOFF SPEAKERPHONE! - IS THAT THAT SAME KID? - YEAH,IT'S THAT KID KYLE AGAIN. HE'S A TOTAL BONER, ALWAYS LISTENING INON MY PHONE CALLS. - HOW DO WE HAVE A CHOICE? - STOP LISTENINGTO MY CONVERSATION, KYLE! WHAT ARE YOU, THE NSA? LAWRENCE, REMEMBER I WASTELLING YOU HOW THE GOVERNMENT LISTENS TO EVERYONE'S PHONECALLS AND READS ALL OUR EMAILS? - YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAID THAT. MY DAD SAID THE GOVERNMENTKEEPS A DATA BASE ON EVERYONE. - WHO IS THAT?IS THAT TOBY? - YEAH. - DUDE, TOBY,ARE YOU OVER AT LAWRENCE'S? - YEAH, WE'RE DITCHING SCHOOL. - YOU'RE WHAT?WHAT'D YOU SAY? - ME AND TOBYARE DITCHING SCHOOL!

THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, AND WE DON'T HAVEANY PRIVACY ANYMORE. JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,I THINK EVERYONE'S TOO STUPID TO SEE WHAT THISIS ALL LEADING TO. DID YOU GUYS READ 1984? - I DON'T THINK SO. - YEAH, I DIDN'T READ IT EITHER, BUT I SAW THE PUPPET SHOWVERSION AT CASA BONITA. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHINGABOUT THIS. WE NEED TO ORGANIZE A RALLY. - THAT'D BE COOL.- THAT'D BE WHAT? - IT'D BE COOL!- I KNOW, RIGHT? A BIG RALLYTO TELL THE GOVERNMENT TO STAY OUTOF OUR PRIVATE LIVES! I'M GONNA EMAIL EVERYBODYAND PUT IT UP ON MY BLOG PAGES. I SERIOUSLY FEEL LIKE I'MBEING SPIED ON RIGHT NOW. I'M SURE THE GOVERNMENTHAS A FILE ON ME A MILE LONG. THAT'S WHY THISIS SO IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW? HANG ON,I'M GONNA MAKE A VIDEO BLOG FOR MY "STOP LISTENING TO ME"WEBSITE. WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? IT'S ME AGAINJUST KICKING IT AT MY SCHOOL. THERE'S GONNA BE A BIG RALLYTO TELL THE GOVERNMENT TO STOP GATHERING INFORMATIONON US. GONNA TWEET YOU ALL THE DETAILS, BUT KEEP QUIET'CAUSE IT'S TOP SECRET. YOU GUYS GONNA UPDATEYOUR BLOGS TOO? DUDE, I REALLY CAN'T HEAR YOU,LAWRENCE. ARE YOU OUTSIDE OR SOMETHING? - I SAID I GOT YOUR TWEETOF THE ADDRESS. - OKAY, WELL,PUT TOBY BACK ON THE PHONE. YOU GOT TO START GOOGLINGEVERYONE THE DIRECTIONSTO THE RALLY SITE. TOBY, YOU THERE, BRO?- YEAH, I'M HERE BRO. - BRO, YOU GOT TO, UM,EMAIL DEX ABOUT THE RALLY AND SEE IF HE'LL BRINGPETITION FORMS. - WILL YOU PLEASE TAKEYOUR RALLY CONVERSATION SOMEWHERE ELSE? - OH, HELL NO, YOU DID NOTJUST INVADE MY PRIVACY AGAIN. THAT IS THE LAST STRAW, KYLE! EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY, HEY! JUST SO YOU KNOW,WE MIGHT HAVE AN NSA AGENT RIGHT HERE AT OUR SCHOOL. - WHAT'S THE NSA? - YEAH, JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE GOVERNMENTIS WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO-- ALWAYS WATCHING. THEY SAY IT'S TO KEEP US SAFE, BUT WHAT PRICE IS SAFETY,KYLE? - THE GOVERNMENT WATCHESEVERYTHING WE DO?

HELLO? HEY, GOVERNMENT. IT'S ME, BUTTERS. I JUST WANT TO SAY, WELL-- WELL, THANKSFOR WATCHING OVER ME AND DOING EVERYTHING YOU DO. AND PLEASE WATCH OVERMOMMY AND DADDY AND MY FRIENDS, STAN AND KYLE,CRAIG AND TOKEN AND EVEN OL' ERIC CARTMAN. I KNOW HE CAN BEA MEANIE SOMETIMES, BUT PLEASE WATCH OVER HIM TOO. GOOD NIGHT, GOVERNMENT. AH, OH, YEAH. AND THANK YOU,PRESIDENT OBAMA, FOR MAKING MEFEEL SO SAFE AND LOOKED AFTER. AND IF IT WOULDN'T BETOO MUCH TROUBLE, I'D REALLY LIKE TO GETA PUPPY FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. NIGHT, GOVERNMENT. - DUDE, THEY HAVE GONETOO FAR THIS TIME! THERE IS NO DOUBT THE GOVERNMENTIS TRACKING ME. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT OFFTHE RALLY. - THEY'RE SPYING ON YOU?- YEAH, IT'S RIGHT HERE. I WENT TO AMAZON TO SEE IF THEYHAD GRAND THEFT AUTO FIVE, AND IT SAYS,"YOU MIGHT ALSO BE INTERESTED IN THE BLU-RAY FOR STAR TREK." I'M TOTALLY INTERESTEDIN THE BLU-RAY FOR STAR TREK. HOW DID THEY KNOW THATUNLESS THE GOVERNMENT IS KEEPING TABS ON ME? THIS IS WAR, BRO. FORGET THE RALLY.WE HAVE TO GO HARD-CORE. - LIKE WHAT? - ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. I'M GONNA GET A JOB AT THE NSA, AND THEN I'M GONNA PUTALL THEIR SECRETS UP ON TWITTER. - NAH, DON'T DO THAT. - NO, DUDE, I'M GONNA SNEAKINTO THEIR HEADQUARTERS DISGUISED AS AN EMPLOYEE,AND I'M GONNA-- HEY, HANG ON A SECOND,LAWRENCE. I THINK WE HAVE A NOSY NANCYIN THE ROOM. DUDE, MY TWITTER ACCOUNTMIGHT ALREADY BE COMPROMISED. IF I'M GOING TO INFILTRATETHE NSA AND GET ALL THEIR SECRETSOUT TO THE PUBLIC, THEN I'M GONNA NEEDSOMETHING BETTER THAN TWITTER. - YOU NEED THAT NEW THINGWHERE YOU DON'T NEED TO TYPE. - WHAT, THEY ALREADY HAVESOMETHING BETTER THAN TWITTER? - YOU HAVEN'T YOU SEENTHE ALEC BALDWIN COMMERCIAL? - NO.WHAT ALEC BALDWIN COMMERCIAL?

AND I LOVE SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT SOMETIMESI ACCIDENTALLY TWEET THINGS THAT ARE HOMOPHOBIC. I DON'T THINK THAT WAY.I JUST TYPE THAT WAY. THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED, IT WASN'T METHAT WAS HOMOPHOBIC. IT WAS MY THUMBS, AND THEY NEEDEDTO BE GOTTEN RID OF. AH! [screams] SO THEN THE PROBLEM WAS,I DON'T HAVE THUMBS, BUT I KNOWTHAT EVERYONE IN AMERICA STILL WANTS TO HEAREVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY. WELL, THAT'S OKAY,BECAUSE NOW THERE'S A DEVICE THAT CAN ACTUALLY TAKETHE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD AND SEND THEMDIRECTLY TO THE INTERNET. IT'S CALLED SHITTER. WIRES ARE GRAFTED HARMLESSLYINTO YOUR SKULL, AND ANY THOUGHT YOU HAVEIS UPLOADED TO THE INTERNET AND ON TO ALLYOUR SHITTER FOLLOWERS. [thinking] I'M AT A YANKEES GAMERIGHT NOW. GOD, I LOVE BASEBALL. PEOPLE WHO TAKE THEIR CATSON PLANES SHOULD BE SHOT. - ♪ OH - [thinking] I'M AT A REALLYGREAT MUSICAL RIGHT NOW. IN 1992, I HAD SEXWITH THE QUEEN OF MONACO. I HAD MY ENTIRE FISTUP HER ASS. DON'T LET YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA SLOW DOWN YOUR NEEDTO COMMUNICATE WITH THE WORLD. GO DIRECT FROM THOUGHTTO INTERNET WITH SHITTER. [thinking] JUST FINISHEDMY SHITTER COMMERCIAL. TIME TO GO FINDA PUSSY SANDWICH.

- [thinking] ALL RIGHT,WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? WHAT'S UP? I'M ABOUT READY TO GOTO THE NSA UNDERCOVER AND SEE IF I CAN EXPOSESOME OF THEIR SECRETS. YOU CAN FOLLOW MEON MY SHITTER ACCOUNT AT #KEEPTHEGOVERNMENTOUTOFMYBUSINESS.COM. WAIT.SHH. I GOT TO BE CAREFUL. KYLE IS HERE,AND I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S TRYING TO LISTEN IN. - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? - [thinking]KYLE, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, THIS BROADCAST IS FORMY SHITTER FOLLOWERS ONLY. - WHAT'S SHITTER? - [thinking]DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD, BUT THE GOVERNMENTIS ACTUALLY ABLE TO MONITOR ALL OUR EMAILSAND TWITTER ACCOUNTS. WITH SHITTER,I DON'T EVEN NEED A CELL PHONE. MY THOUGHTS ARE SENTDIRECTLY TO THE INTERNET AND THEN TO EVERYONE ELSEON SHITTER. - WOW!- [thinking] YES. NOW AS I INFILTRATE THE NSA, I'LL BE ABLE TO BROADCASTEVERYTHING TO ALL MY SHITTER FOLLOWERS. - YOU'RE OKAY WITH EVERYTHINGYOU THINK GOING UP ON THE INTERNET. - YEAH, BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENTWON'T RESPECT MY PRIVACY. - HOW MANY PEOPLEARE ON SHITTER? - JUST TWO SO FAR,ME AND ALEC BALDWIN. - [thinking] I'M ABOUTTO SIT DOWN AND EAT A SANDWICH AT THIS AMAZING DELIRUN BY TWO FAGGOTS IN CHELSEA. - [thinking] OH, KEWL. I'LL HAVE TO TRY IT OUTSOMETIME. LOL. - [thinking] IN 1982,I WAS AT A PARTY AT MIKE DOUGLAS' HOUSE, AND I [bleep] KIM BASINGER. - [thinking]WOW, THAT'S COOL. SHE'S CUTE. WINK EMOJI.

- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD, THEY SAW ME. THEY SAW ME,AND THEY'RE GONNA BE SO ANGRY. MAYBE THEY DIDN'T SEE ME. NO, NO THEY SAW ME.THEY SEE EVERYTHING. I DID SOMETHING REALLY BAD, REALLY, REALLY BAD. ding!- NEXT! - OH, GOD. BUT MY PARENTS ALWAYS TOLD ME, "IF YOU DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE, THEN YOU HAVE TO ADMIT ITTO YOUR PROTECTOR SO THAT YOU CAN HAVEFORGIVENESS." ARE THESE PEOPLE NICE? - DMV PEOPLE? THEY'RE THE MEANEST PEOPLEON PLANET EARTH. - OH, GEEZ. ding!OH, GOD! HERE WE GO. I YELLED AT A MIDGET. I WAS--I WAS WATCHING MTV, AND THIS LITTLE PERSONWAS SINGING A SONG. I THINK HER NAME WAS PINK. AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE SONG,AND SO I YELLED, "HEY, GET OFF TV,YOU EFFING MIDGET!" AND I--I WAS ATBARNES & NOBLES WITH MY MOM. AND WHILE SHE WAS LOOKINGFOR A BOOK, I--I SAW THIS PICTURE OFJENNIFER LAWRENCE IN A MAGAZINE. UM, AND I--WELL, I CUTTHE PICTURE OUT OF THE MAGAZINE WHILE NO ONE WAS LOOKING. THERE'S MORE. I TOOK THE PICTURE HOME WITH ME,AND I-- I CUT JENNIFER LAWRENCE'S MOUTHOUT WITH SCISSORS, AND THEN I--I PUT MY WIENERTHROUGH THE HOLE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! HOW CAN I ATONE FOR IT? I ALREADY SAID THE PLEDGEOF ALLEGIANCE 50 TIMES, AND I SANG MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE 100 TIMES, AND I WATCHED AMERICA'S GOT TALENT TWICE! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? - WHY NOT A THOUSAND LIVING IN AMERICAS? - YES.YES, I WILL. OH, THANK YOU! I WILL! OH, I FEELSO MUCH BETTER ALREADY. ♪ LIVIN' IN AMERICA,EYE TO EYE ♪ ♪ HAND TO HAND,ACROSS THE NATION ♪ ♪ SMOKE, TRACK, FAT PACK ♪ MANY MILESOF RAILROAD TRACK ♪ ♪ OW,SAY, OW, OW ♪

- CAN I HELP YOU, SIR? - YES, I'M HERE TO APPLYFOR THE NSA JOB. - ALL RIGHT,AND YOUR NAME? - BILL CLINTON. [keyboard tappingand computer beeps] - I DON'T SEE YOU ON THE LIST,MR. CLINTON. - OH, WELL,MUST BE A CLERICAL MISTAKE, BUT THEY ARE EXPECTING ME. - [thinking] IF YOU'RE EVERIN LOS ANGELES, BE SURE TO LOOK UPJENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. SHE CAN MAKE A PUSSY SANDWICH THAT WILL GIVE THOSE FAGGOTSIN CHELSEA A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. - WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, PATRICIA? - UH, THIS MAN SAYS HE HASAN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB, SIR. - I AM EXTREMELY QUALIFIED,SIR, AND VERY EAGER TO WORK. - [thinking] I BORROWEDMY BROTHERS DICK ONCE TO [bleep] DARYL HANNAH. - [clears throat] I, UM, WAS SURETHE APPOINTMENT WAS TODAY. - THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT. THE NSA NEEDS ALL THE HELPIT CAN GET. COME ON UPSTAIRS,AND I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND, SEE IF YOU'RE FIT FOR THE JOB.

[knock at door] - HELLO, SIR. MY COLLEAGUE AND I ARE GOINGTHROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND SEE IF YOULIKE TO KNOW THE TRUTH. - SURE, I LOVE THE TRUTH! - OKAY, WE FROMJEHOVAH WITNESS. WE KINGDOM HALLJEHOVAH WITNESS, AND WE BELIEVE, SIR,THAT MANY PEOPLE INTERPRET THE BIBLE--IT'S WRONG. - WHAT'S A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS? - YES, SIR, WE BELIEVE THE--THE TRUTH. I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU. I KNOW NOT WHAT TO BELIEVE, BUT THEN I LET MY PROVIDERJEHOVAH INTO MY HEART. - OH, MY GOODNESS. YOUR LITTLE CARTOONHAS A GIRL ON FIRE. - YES, BECAUSE JEHOVAHWILL BRING JUDGMENT AGAINST ALL AND PERISH, LIKE THE LITTLE GIRL,WILL BURN IN THE FIRE. - OH, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HANDINGOUT DRAWINGS LIKE THIS, MA'AM. WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW THATTHE GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING YOU? - THE GOVERNMENT WATCHING ME? - WHAT'S THAT? - HE SAID THE GOVERNMENTWATCHING US. - RIGHT NOW? - HOW LONGTHEY BEEN WATCHING US? - CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU WENT TO YOUR LOCAL DMV? - I NO GO DMV.I DON'T HAVE CAR. - OH, YOU CAN WALK THERE. TRUST ME,YOU GOT TO GO TO THE DMV. IT'S INCREDIBLE. SEE, I WAS LIKE YOU ONCE,AFRAID, UNSURE, DOING STUFF I SHOULDN'T DO LIKE SHOWING PEOPLE PICTURESOF LITTLE GIRLS WITH THEIR HEADS ON FIRE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE LEARNED? THAT JUST GOING TO THE DMV AND LETTING GOOF ALL MY WRONGDOINGS FILLED ME WITH A JOYI HAD FELT NOWHERE ELSE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO READSOME DMV LITERATURE? THIS'LL TELL YOU MOST OF WHATYOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE DMV, BUT JUST GO. EVERYONE THERE IS REALLY NICE. YOUR GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING YOU, AND YOUR GOVERNMENTWANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY. HAVE A NICE DAY!

WELCOME TO THE NSA MAIN OFFICE. - AH, YES, SO THISIS WHERE THE GOVERNMENT CHECKS UP ON ITS CITIZENS. - THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLEWORKING HERE AT THE NSA, GOOD PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO JUSTWANT TO KEEP AMERICA SAFE. ONLY PROBLEM IS,CHECKING ALL THOSE EMAILS, TWITTER ACCOUNTS,AND SURVEILLING ALL THOSE PHONE CALLSCAN TAKE A LOT OF MANPOWER. - HEY, JOE.- WHAT YOU GOT, MILLER? - GOT A 24-YEAR-OLD MALEIN ALBUQUERQUE. HE JUST EMAILED HIS WIFEAND ASKED IF SHE COULD GO TO THE STOREAFTER WORK. THEN HE CALLED A FITNESS CENTERTO SET UP A MEMBERSHIP. HE LIKED THE FITNESS CENTER,SO HE TWEETED HIS FRIENDS THAT THEY SHOULD TRY IT OUT. - ALL RIGHT,KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. LET ME KNOWIF ANYTHING CHANGES. - WILL DO. - IT'S A NEVER-ENDING GRINDHERE AT THE NSA, AND IT SEEMS THERE'SNEVER ENOUGH DETECTIVES TO KEEP TRACK OF EVERYONE. - SERGEANT.- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, LAWSON? - GOT A 17-YEAR-OLD FEMALEDOWN IN JACKSONVILLE. SHE CALLED HER FRIENDAND ASKED IF SHE WANTED TO GO SEETHE PERCY JACKS MOVIE. THEN SHE EMAILED HER MOM AT WORKAND ASKED IF IT WAS OKAY. THE MOM SAID YESBUT CALLED HER HUSBAND FIRST TO MAKE SURETHERE WEREN'T ANY DINNER PLANS. - ALL RIGHT, KEEP AN EYEON ALL THREE OF 'EM. - WILL DO. - IF YOU THINK YOU GOTTHE STOMACH FOR THIS, THEN WE COULD DEFINITELY USEYOUR HELP, YOUNG MAN. - SIR, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECKTHIS OUT. - WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? - 32-YEAR-OLDPIZZA DELIVERY MAN, HE JUST PUT ON HIS TWITTERACCOUNT THAT HE HATES AMERICA AND WANTS TO BLOW UPTHE LINCOLN MEMORIAL. [siren wailing] - [thinking] 4:16 P.M.,THE CHIEF ASKED ME TO JOIN HIM AS HE WENT TO QUESTIONTHE POSSIBLE SUSPECT. I AGREED TO GO ALONG. HOPEFULLY THE NSA HAS NO IDEAOF MY SECRET INTENTIONS. LOL. [knock at door] - WELL, WELL, THE NSA.I SHOULD'VE KNOWN. - WE WANT TO TALK TO YOUABOUT SOME TWEETS YOU'VE BEEN TWEETING. - HEY, MAN,I WAS JUST BLOWING SMOKE. SAY, WHAT RIGHT DOESTHE GOVERNMENT HAVE READINGMY PRIVATE EMAILS ANYWAY? HAVEN'T YOU SQUARESHEARD OF THE CONSTITUTION? - YEAH, WE'VE HEARD OF THAT. WE'VE ALSO HEARD OFTHE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. SEE, THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLEOUT THERE WHO THINK LIKE YOU, PEOPLE WHO THINKTHEIR GOVERNMENT DOESN'T HAVE THE RIGHTTO GO AROUND POKING THEIR NOSES IN THE EMAILSOF ITS CITIZENS-- THAT IS UNTIL A PLANEFLIES INTO A COUPLE TOWERS AND A LITTLE GIRLLOSES HER LIFE. YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THE LANDOF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE, BUT THE BRAVE CAN'T BE FREEIF THE LAND ISN'T HOME, AND THAT LAND WON'T BE HOMESO LONG AS FOLKS OUT THERE WANT TO TAKE THAT AMERICAN FLAGAND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR ANUS THAT YOU CRAP STARS AND STRIPESFOR A WEEK, AND AS YOUR SITTING THEREON THE TOILET WITH THE STAR-SPANGLEDMONTEZUMA'S REVENGE, THERE'S ONE THINGI CAN GUARANTEE. - YEAH, WHAT'S THAT? - YOU WON'T CARE WHO'S CHECKINGYOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT THEN. - I NEVER THOUGHT OF ITTHAT WAY. - [thinking] I [bleep]JACK LEMMON'S MAKEUP GIRL IN A PORTA POTTY--WHOOPS.

[laughter] - HELLO, CRAIG! HOW WOULD YOULIKE TO KNOW THE TRUTH? - THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT? - WE'RE JUST GOINGTHROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND SEEING IF YOU'VE ACCEPTEDTHE GOVERNMENT INTO YOUR HEART. - UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO. - MY COLLEAGUE AND I, WE WANTTO SHARE OUR EXPERIENCE AT DMV. WE WENT TO DMV. WE ADMITALL OUR SHORTCOMING AND SIN AND A BIG TIDAL WAVE OF PEACEAND SERENITY WENT INTO THE SOULAND TOUCH OUR HEART. - OKAY. - YOU SEE CRAIG, ONCE ICAME CLEAN WITH THE GOVERNMENT, I NO LONGERHAD ANYTHING TO HIDE. THEN I FOUND PEACE. HAVE YOU READANY DMV LITERATURE? - UH, NO. - WELL, THERE'S A LOTOF INTERESTING STUFF IN HERE, CRAIG. THERE'S EVEN SOME QUOTESFROM PRESIDENT OBAMA. COULD YOU READ THIS PARTOUT LOUD? - "YOUR LOCAL DMVIS FUNDED BY YOUR TAX DOLLARS TO BE EFFICIENTAND PROFICIOUS." - YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK PRESIDENTOBAMA MEANS WHEN HE SAYS THAT? - I HAVE NO IDEA. - WELL, WE BELIEVE THAT HEMEANS THE GOVERNMENT LOVES YOU, AND IT WANTS TO FORGIVE YOU IF YOU JUST LET THE GOVERNMENTINTO YOUR HEART. - YES, SIR.SEE, I USED TO BE LIKE YOU. I GO AROUNDSENDING THE NASTY EMAIL, SEND THE NASTY TEXT,PUT UP NASTY PICTURES ON MY NASTY FACEBOOK, BUT THEN I REALIZE,ALL THESE THINGS, THEY LIVE FOREVERBECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT KEEP A FILE ON US. SO ALL THAT LIVE FOREVERUP IN WHAT THEY CALL THE CLOUD. IF THE GOVERNMENT, SIR-- IF THEY GONNA PUT THE FILEIN THE CLOUD, THEN I WANT TO MAKE SUREI COME CLEAN ABOUT THE BAD ONES AND MAYBE GET THOSE THINGSOFF MY RECORD OFF THE CLOUD,BECAUSE WE ALL LIVE FOREVER IN THE CLOUD. - UH-HUH.DID YOU FOLLOW ALL THAT, CRAIG? I DON'T REALLY THINKI FOLLOWED ALL THAT.

- [thinking] I'VE DONE IT. I'VE INFILTRATED THE NSAAND GAINED THEIR TRUST. SO FAR I HAVE NOT ASCERTAINEDHOW THEY ARE ABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF EVERYONEIN THE COUNTRY, BUT I'M CLOSE, VERY CLOSE. I JUST HOPE THAT I'M NOTFOUND OUT AS A WHISTLEBLOWER BEFORE I'M ABLE TO EXPOSETHEIR ENTIRE OPERATION. - WHAT IS THAT VOICE? - SOME LITTLE FAGGOTIN MY HEAD. - HEY, SO, UM, AS I'M GOINGTHROUGH PEOPLE'S EMAILS AND PHONE CALLS, UM,HOW DO I KNOW WHICH PEOPLE TO START WITH? - PRETTY SIMPLE.EVERYONE HAS A FILE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE A STATUSOF THREAT, POSSIBLE THREAT, OR PERSON OF INTERESTARE THE ONES WE REALLY WANT TO LOOK AT. - THE MOREWE PAY ATTENTION TO THEM, THE BIGGER THEIR FILE BECOMES. - REALLY?HOW BIG IS MY FILE? - HUH?- UH, THAT IS, UH-- YOU MUST HAVE A PRETTY BIG FILEON ERIC CARTMAN. ALL HIS BLOGS AND EMAILSHAVE BEEN WATCHED FOR QUITE SOME TIME. - JARVIS, WHAT HAVE WE GOTON AN ERIC CARTMAN? ANY FILES ON ERIC CARTMAN? - OH, YEAH, WE TRACKED HIMFOR A LITTLE BIT, BUT CENTRAL COMPUTERDESIGNATED HIS STATUS AS FAT AND UNIMPORTANT. - UH, TRUST ME,HE'S NOT FAT AND UNIMPORTANT. I THINK WE NEED TO CHANGEHIS STATUS TO RIPPED AND SWEET. EXCUSE ME.EXCUSE ME. THERE'S A VERY IMPORTANT THREATTO NATIONAL SECURITY. WE NEED TO CHANGEERIC CARTMAN'S STATUS.

I KNOW IT WAS WRONGTO MASTURBATE, AND I KNOW IT WAS ESPECIALLYWRONG TO MASTURBATEWHILE ON DUTY. - WHAT THE-- WHY DO THESE PEOPLEKEEP COMING HERE? - BUT I AM DONE FOREVERWITH GAME OF THRONES. FOREVER! - NEXT PLEASE![bell rings] - THANK YOU! all: YAY! - CONGRATULATIONS, BROTHER! HOW DO YOU FEEL? - I--I FEEL REALLY GOOD! [all cheering] - WOW, THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERESEEM LIKE THEY'RE HAVING FUN. - I CAN'T THINK OF ANYWHEREI'D RATHER BE THEN AT THE DMVWITH ALL YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE. NOW LET'S ALL PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE. I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE...all: TO THE FLAG... - WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON HERE? THIS IS THE DMV. THERE WILL BE NO JOY HERE. - UH, PEOPLE KEEP SHOWING UP AND TELLING USWHAT THEY DID WRONG. - HEY, I'M JUST TRYINGTO RENEW MY LICENSE. HOW MUCH LONGER I GOT TO WAIT? - SHUT UP! SIT THERE, AND WAIT, AND NO CELL PHONESOR OTHER THINGS THAT PASS TIME JOYOUSLY! I'LL PUT A STOP TO THIS.

- LOOK, I AM TELLING YOU THATYOU ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE. ERIC CARTMANIS THE NSA'S WORST NIGHTMARE. - NOT ACCORDINGTO THE CENTRAL COMPUTER. - THE CENTRAL COMPUTERIS WRONG. YOU NEED TO CHANGE HIS STATUS. - SORRY, BUT IF CENTRAL COMPUTERSAYS HE'S NOT A THREAT, THEN WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING. - CAN'T DO ANYTHING?YOU'RE THE NSA. - THERE'S 300 MILLION PEOPLEOUT THERE. HOW DO YOU THINKWE'RE ABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF EVERY SINGLE PERSONIN THIS COUNTRY? HOW DO YOU THINK WE'RE ABLETO REALLY KNOW WHO'S DOING WHAT? - I DON'T KNOW. - ALL RIGHT, I'LL SHOW YOU, BUT THISIS VERY TOP SECURITY STUFF, BECAUSE IF PEOPLE KNEWHOW WE DID IT, THEN EVERYONE WOULD DO IT. THEN OUR ENEMIES WOULD DO IT. WE CAN'T LET OUR ENEMIESGET THEIR HANDS ON THIS. - GET THEIR HANDS ON WHAT? [electronic beepingand buzzing] [mechanical whirring] DUDE. [ominous musical flourish] - THIS IS HOW WE KNOWWHO'S A THREAT AND WHO'S NOT, HOW WE KNOW WHO'S SLEEPINGAND WHO'S AWAKE. HOW WE KNOW THAT--[whistle blowing] - YOU THINKI'M FAT AND UNIMPORTANT NOW? I AM ERIC CARTMAN! AND I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU. THIS IS ALL BEING BROADCAST LIVEON MY TWITTER ZEPPELIN AND ON ALEC BALDWIN'SNEW TELEVISION SHOW VIA SHITTER. - HI, EVERYBODY AND WELCOMETO MY NEW SHOW ON MSNBC, FREE PASS WITH ALEC BALDWIN. - [thinking]YOUR SECRET IS OUT, NSA. AND NOW THAT EVERYONE KNOWSWHAT YOU'RE DOING TO SANTA, YOU CAN KISSYOUR PROGRAM GOOD-BYE. YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ME DOWNWHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE. NOW EVERYONE KNOWS THE TRUTH, AND EVERYONE'S GONNA THINKI'M SUPERCOOL.

- ERIC, HONEY,WHAT'S THE MATTER? - IT DIDN'T WORK, MOM. I INFILTRATED THE NSA,AND I WAS A WHISTLEBLOWER, AND I THOUGHT EVERYONEWOULD BE SUPER PISSED OFF AT WHAT I EXPOSEDABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BUT NOBODY CARES! NOBODY CARES THAT THE GOVERNMENTIS LISTENING IN ON EVERYTHING. NOBODY CARES THAT SANTA CLAUS IS HOOKED UPTO A BIG, HORRIBLE MACHINE! - I KNOW THAT THE NSAIS TORTURING SANTA, SWEETIE, BUT THEY'RE KEEPING US SAFE. - WELL, NOW YOU JUST SOUNDLIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! [crying] - HONEY, IT'S OKAY. - IT'S NOT GONNA BE OKAYBECAUSE NOW I'M A WHISTLEBLOWER AGAINST MY COUNTRYAND I'M GONNA HAVE TO HIDE OUT IN RUSSIA! - NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FLYTO RUSSIA, HON. - I DO TOO. - NO, IT'LL BE FINE. HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU SOMEHOT TEA WITH LEMON AND CODEINE? - [sniffling] OKAY. I JUST WANT HOT TEA AND CODEINE,NO LEMON! - OKAY, HON! [doorbell rings] - HELLO. HOW WOULD YOULIKE TO KNOW THE TRUTH? - THE [bleep] ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT, BUTTERS? - IT'S TIME TO LET GO, ERIC. DON'T YOU SEETHERE'S NO OTHER WAY? JUST LET THE GOVERNMENTINTO YOUR HEART. - IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME,BUTTERS. I HAVE TO GO TO RUSSIA AND LIVEWITH THE COMMIE DWARVES. - IT'S NEVER TOO LATE. THERE'S A PLACEWHERE YOU CAN START OVER. - WHAT'S THIS? - YOUR GOVERNMENT DOESN'TLISTEN IN ON YOU TO PUNISH YOU. YOUR GOVERNMENTJUST WANTS YOU TO BE HONESTABOUT YOUR MISTAKES. - I CAN BE FORGIVEN?- YES. - FOR EVERYTHING BADI'VE EVER DONE? - YES. - AND THEN ALL I HAVE TO DOIS GO BACK TO THIS PLACE EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING WRONGAND ADMIT IT, AND I'M FORGIVEN AGAIN? - THAT'S RIGHT. - [sniffles] THAT'S PRETTY COOL.