UPDATE: Even MORE leaked pages from Kelsey Grammer’s lost script “Frasier Crane” have emerged, and we here at Tall Peters blah blah etc. Anyone who’s actually bothered to read these probably knows by now that this is fake. I made it all up! It’s me, Trevor Drinkwater. I’m the one writing these dumb Frasier things. Here’s another one.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

INT. “DR. CRANE” SET – LOS ANGELES – DAY

DR. NILES CRANE stands center stage on a daytime talk show

set. Behind him, a MOTHER and DAUGHTER are sitting beside

each other on a couch. The studio audience is applauding

enthusiastically. The “Dr. Crane” logo flies across the

screen as if we’re watching the show. We’ve just come back

from a commercial break.

NILES

Welcome back to “Dr. Crane,”

everybody. In case you’re just

tuning in, we’ve been talking to

Susie and her mother, who’s had

some concerns about her daughter’s

behavior lately. But as we learned

before the commercial break, Susie

may be having some concerns of her

own.

Niles walks over to the couch.

NILES (CONT’D)

And now, Martha, I believe you had

something you wanted to say to your

daughter?

Niles takes a seat on a chair adjacent to the couch. The

mother faces the daughter. They’re both crying.

MOTHER

Susie, you’ve been-

NILES

Now, Martha, let’s remember to use

our “I” statements.

MOTHER

Right. Susie, I have been feeling

very troubled by your behavior ever

since your father left, but now I

realize that I’m too blame, because

I’ve been very selfish lately. And

I didn’t think about how my dating

has been affecting you. And, I- I’m

so sorry, Susie. And if you’re not

ready for me to be seeing other

guys, then I can wait longer.

Because I just want you to be

happy, Susie. And I hope you know

that I love you very much.

The audience goes “awwwwwww.”

NILES

That was wonderful, Martha. And

Susie, is there anything you’d like

to say to your mother?

DAUGHTER

Mom, I’m sorry for acting out and

making you worry so much. I’ve been

having a real hard time since Dad

left, and seeing you bring home

other men was- was really hard for

me. But I was selfish too, because

you- you’re my mom, and I love you,

and you deserve to be happy too.

And I- I should have just told you,

instead of- instead of acting the

way I did. And I’m so sorry, Mom. I

love you so much.

The mother and daughter share a big hug. The audience goes

“awwwwww” again and then they applaud.

NILES

Wow. Wasn’t that beautiful? Susie,

Martha, I want to thank both of you

for having the courage to open up

to one another. Discussing our

feelings can be a very difficult

thing, and everybody in this room

is proud of you two. Isn’t that

right?

The audience responds with heartfelt applause and cheers.

The mother and daughter both start to smile, while wiping

their tears away.

MOTHER

Thank you so much, Dr. Crane. I

don’t know what we would do without

you.

DAUGHTER

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

NILES

Oh, I’m just doing my job.

Niles mugs for the audience, and they laugh.

NILES

Well, unfortunately, it’s time for

us to wrap up, but I’m pleased that

we can end on such a positive note.

How about a round of applause for

Susie and Martha, everybody?

More applause.

NILES

That’s all for today’s program. For

those of you in the audience and at

home, remember to talk to the ones

you love, remember to take care of

yourselves and each other, and

until next time, I’m Dr. Crane

saying, “I’m here for you.”

The audience applauds long and loud while the credits start

to roll. Niles stands up and graciously shakes the hands of

both mother and daughter, then smiles at the audience and

gives them a final wave. The PRODUCER is standing off to the

side of the set, holding a clipboard, and looking satisfied.

The DIRECTOR sits in a chair next to a camera operator.

DIRECTOR

Okay, that’s a wrap, ladies and

gentlemen!

At the director’s signal, various production assistants and

set technicians begin to bustle about the soundstage. Niles

graciously bids goodbye to his guests, and walks off set.

He’s intercepted by the producer, who starts to follow him

to his dressing room. They walk and talk.

PRODUCER

Amazing show, Dr. Crane.

Incredible. This one’s gonna be

huge for us in the ratings.

Niles has aged extraordinarily well since we last saw him.

Patches of gray hair lend him a distinguished look, and his

posture and general demeanor seem more confident than

before. He’s wearing a fine, tailored suit, but with no tie,

giving him a more casual, TV-friendly look.

NILES

Thank you, thank you. Although,to

be honest, I barely did anything.

It’s really our guests that do most

of the work. And we have such

wonderful guests sometimes.

PRODUCER

Very true, Dr. Crane, very true.

Now, if you have some time, I was

hoping we could look over these

notes together-

NILES

No, I told you already, I can’t

today. I have very important plans

this evening, and I want to get on

the 405 before traffic hits.

PRODUCER

Please, it’ll only take a moment.

Niles abruptly stops walking faces the producer.

NILES

Can’t it wait until tomorrow? My

brother just got into town, and,

well, I haven’t seen him in a

number of years.

PRODUCER

Oh. Okay, sure. I’ll just put it on

the list for tomorrow. Is, um, is

everything alright with your

brother?

NILES

No, not at all, I’m afraid. He’s

fallen on some very hard times.

PRODUCER

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that.

NILES

Thank you for understanding.

Niles pats the producer on the shoulder, then walks away.

To be continued. . .