The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.


Green New Deal :

Being pushed by whiny millennial representatives who expect to just be handed a livable planet in the year 2060.


Healthcare :

Plan to introduce a broadly popular Medicare for all bill to slowly water down into a series of giveaways to big pharma.




Trump :

Still don’t like the guy!



Grandstanding To Go Viral On Social Media :

Members will be limited to one impassioned speech with viral video potential per month.




Corruption :

Committed to looking like they’re tackling political corruption.



Criticizing Nancy Pelosi :

Expected to be a top priority until approximately 10 years after Pelosi dies.



Immigration :

Following Senator Chuck Schumer’s lead in demanding that a border wall they regard as useless, unnecessary, and morally bankrupt receives no more than $1.6 billion in funding.




Infrastructure :

If there’s one thing they can agree with Republicans on, it’s that America’s crumbling bridges and roads are the perfect political bargaining chip.




Election Reform :

Party leadership is already doggedly working to ensure that the wave of true progressives taking office in January never happens again.

