As of today, George W Bush has exactly 77 days left to put his CV in order, a difficult task complicated by the fact that whatever he's done as president, he hasn't done much of it lately. There aren't many positions out there suited to a former world leader and professional lame duck, but a few high-profile vacancies have presented themselves in recent weeks, and more are bound to arise as the year draws to a close. There must be some job the man can do competently. He still has so much to give.



The new Doctor Who

Ever since David Tennant announced he was handing in his sonic screwdriver, speculation over his potential replacement has been rife. But not one person - correct me if I'm wrong - has so far suggested Bush for the role. The surprise when Tennant morphed into the former president on Christmas Day would therefore be enormous, and huge ratings for the first two episodes would be guaranteed. It's hard to see him lasting long, but perhaps he'll turn his inability to say "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow" into a charming character flaw.

Leader, North Korea

It's just possible that this position will open up soon - if it hasn't already. Bush would no doubt enjoy the constant sabre-rattling that comes with being a key player in the axis of evil (though he should bear in mind they don't call it that), but he might have trouble adjusting to the unstinting adulation.

Presenter, Friday Night with Dubya

This would only be a temporary assignment while Jonathan Ross serves out his exile, but even a one-time leader of the free world would find the salary agreeable. He'd probably do it for half. And Bush, for all his faults, does have a certain folksy plausibility when he's one-on-one with people, which ought to come in handy when he's interviewing Hollywood stars who hate him. He'd have to start right away, but he's not exactly busy at the moment, and Ross managed to present the show as a sideline to his many other projects for years.

Tour guide, presidential library

Yes, naming a library after George W Bush is like naming an outpatient clinic after Harold Shipman, but it's a tradition in America to establish commemorative repositories in the home state of every former commander-in-chief, regardless of reading age or standing in the worst-presidents-of-all-time table. Since this particular library is liable to be little more than a collection of cowboy hats and signed baseballs, Bush should have no trouble showing people around. It would be highly irregular for him to walk up to the front desk and say, "Hello, my name is George Bush, this is my library, and I would like an application form," but what are they gonna do? Say no?

Manager, Watford FC

Adrian Boothroyd has just been sacked after taking his club from probable relegation from the Championship all the way to the Premiership and back to probable relegation from the Championship in just 176 games. In his job interview Bush could point to eerie parallels with his own administration, except without the early success. He probably doesn't know much about football, but, frankly, how much does he have to know?

Star, W: the Musical

This seemingly insane scenario is predicated on the twin suppositions that the Oliver Stone biopic will translate readily to the stage and that Bush can sing. But lots of unlikely films have been turned into musicals, and if Bush turns out to be tone deaf he can always rap his way through like Rex Harrison did in My Fair Lady. Still, it would be weird. A bit like getting Jerry Springer to star in Jerry Springer: The Opera. Actually, that isn't such a bad idea either. Or maybe Bush could play Springer. Think of the protests.

Host, MTV Awards

There are two positions to be filled here - Russell Brand already looks doubtful for next year, and Lindsay Lohan has just been fired from hosting the MTV World Music Awards, a slightly less glamorous appointment which doesn't require much more than the ability to read from an autocue in a hesitant and uncomprehending manner. He's a shoo-in.

Interior minister, Iran

In the old days, the only qualification for the post was a fake degree from a made-up British institution - the previous incumbent, Ali Kordan, possessed a forged certificate for an honorary degree from "London Oxford University" - but Bush has two real degrees, a BA from Yale and an MBA from Harvard Business School (I know - he wears it lightly, doesn't he?). In fact this may be the first time Bush has gone for a job for which he is supremely overqualified, but he still has some hearts and minds to win in Tehran.

Paris Hilton's new best friend

This has never been considered a job for life, or even long-term employment, but Paris is currently in the market for someone who is "hot, who can keep up with me, and most of all, who is real, and won't be a backstabber". She's also looking in London, unfortunately. But if he can do the accent well enough to fool Paris Hilton (and how hard will that be, do you think?), he might also be able to convince her that he is both hot and real. And he's the former president of the United States of America, so it's not as if she'll recognise him.

Presenter, Top Gear

Bush is one of nature's petrol-heads, and the sort of easy-going, rightwing regular guy voters used to say they'd like to have a beer with. A spot on the current presenting team could be about to open up, depending on how many letters the BBC receives over the course of the next week that begin "Dear Sirs: I have been a lorry driver for the last 18 years and in that time I have never murdered a single prostitute." Bush should send in an audition tape (not the State of the Union address) just in case.

Sarah Palin's running mate, 2012

A Palin-Bush partnership could provide the Republicans with the ultimate "maverick-anti-maverick" ticket four years from now. The 22nd amendment constitution prevents a two-term president from seeking the office again, but does the US constitution say anything about him becoming vice president and then acceding to the office through the sudden incapacitation of a phenomenally unpopular president? Actually it does - the 12th amendment states that "no person constitutionally ineligible to the office of President shall be eligible to that of Vice-President of the United States" - but does Sarah Palin know that? No. Is she going to read about it in the Guardian? No.

Biographer, George Bush Sr

A thorough trashing of his father's legacy could one day see Dubya become widely regarded as only the second-worst president of the US, but he'll need someone to check his spelling.