If I earned a nickel every time I heard somebody dodge responsibility, I’ve have a nice chunk of change.

In my previous life I was a therapist. One of the reasons I stopped being a therapist was so many clients needed help yet never benefited from therapy because they refused to take personal responsibility. It was usually someone else’s fault (mother, father, boss, genetics etc.) One of the mandatory prerequisites for mental health is personal responsibility. Assume responsibility for your life now and for your response to the “cards you’ve been dealt”.

A weight-loss client called me the day after his first session and said :

“That stuff doesn’t work. I went home and ate a carton of ice cream. If you were any good as a therapist, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I want my money back”

I was flabbergasted…. And I sent him a refund. Amazingly, he called and tried to make another appointment, but I declined.

And there is no shortage of denying personal responsibility in my current job as a police officer either.

The first time I heard “These aren’t my pants” from an arrestee (after finding narcotics in his pants pocket), I laughed out loud. I thought that this denial of responsibility was police lore, but since then I’ve heard it at least a dozen times. I stopped a guy for driving and gabbing on his cell phone. His response “But they called me”. An engineer said his job kept him too busy to renew his vehicle registration… “It’s not my fault… It’s my boss” he plead.

A buddy from another city called me to ask how to get out of a photo-ticket. I encouraged him to just take responsibility for it (if it was him) and pay the ticket. My neighbor wanted to know the secret to “talking your way out of a speeding ticket”… I told her “Don’t speed”. A former neighbor texted me after being arrested for shoplifting…. I texted back “take your lumps”.

It seems to be human nature to minimize our culpability in situations when there are consequences. We are in a “denying responsibility” culture. Charles Sykes encapsulated it in his title “A Nation of Victims”.

Responsibility is like a coin. There are two sides. There is the positive side– Responsibility (taking credit, standing up for your actions, duty); And the negative side– Fault (blame, liability, impeachment, indictment). But like all things, responsibility is neither all bad nor all good. There are grey areas.

For me, I like to focus on expanding my positive responsibility.

An interesting concept is how responsibility is actually assumed or how it actually transfers. In my classrooms I conducted an experiment. I’d place a $20.00 bill folded over a prop at the front of the room and ask a simple question “Who is responsible for the $20.00 bill?”

I’d hear various responses:

“You are”

“The US Mint”

“Whoever paid your salary”

“The bank”

“The government”

“We are”

Then I’d add another $20.00 on top of the first one and ask “Who is responsible for the $40.00 at the front of the room?”

The answers would continue. The frustration in the room would grow. I’d continue to add $20.00 bills until there were 10 or so, repeating the same question. “Who’s responsible for the cash at the front of the room?”

I’ve done this experiment over 300 times. The experiences in the rooms are almost identical. Some students don’t have much enthusiasm in the beginning…. But when more and more cash is added, the enthusiasm (and frustration) rises. I usually continue until every attendee is engaged.

After there is some frustration built I ask if they’d like to see how it “works”. There is usually a group “YEAH”. I then walk over to the cash take it from where it is and put it in my pocket and say “Responsibility only transfers when somebody takes action”….. Then I ask, “Who wants to play the game again?”

There are several reasons the attendees don’t move:

They didn’t know the rules (I never explained how the game was played)

They were afraid of failing (I wouldn’t give them the money)

They were afraid of consequences (They think it would be stealing to get free money)

They submitted to peer pressure/societal norms (Nobody else moved, so they stayed still.)

They didn’t have permission (Either implied or express permission)

But some attendees do eventually get up and walk towards getting the money! The number of people who actually take action is less than 1/2 of 1%. About 1 out of every 250 attendees.

Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from this:

“Responsibility NEVER transfers until someone TAKES ACTION”

If you want more responsibility in an area— start taking action.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay