WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—James Comey, the F.B.I. director, held a press conference on Sunday to “regretfully announce” that Hillary Clinton had committed no crimes related to her e-mails while Secretary of State.

“It is with a deep sense of sadness in my heart that I report that Hillary Clinton committed no crimes,” a visibly emotional Comey said.

Calling the discovery that Clinton could not be prosecuted for wrongdoing “probably the darkest hour of my career at the F.B.I.,” Comey said that he would try to move on from what he called “a shattering disappointment for me personally.”

“No one ever said this job would be a picnic,” he said. “As dismayed as I was to learn that Hillary Clinton committed no crimes, it’s my duty as a professional to find a way forward somehow.”

On the campaign trail, Donald Trump blasted the F.B.I. director. “I thought Comey was rigged, and then I thought he was unrigged, and now I think he’s rigged again,” Trump said. “Lock him up.”