HARTFORD, CT—Having made the difficult but compassionate decision to remove their ailing grandfather from life support Friday, members of the Jarrett family were reportedly unaware that in doing so, they were sending the 86-year-old directly to hell. “It was so hard to let him go, but it was the right thing to do—he’s suffered enough,” said the hellbound man’s daughter, Jennifer Austin, oblivious to the knowledge that only seconds after they disconnected his respirator in an attempt to spare him further discomfort, the family patriarch was cast into the blackest pits of the netherworld, where he would suffer unspeakable tortures and burn in perpetual agony for all of time. “He looked like he was so exhausted and in so much pain those last few weeks, but now that he’s gone, he looks so peaceful. You can tell he’s in a better place.” At press time, sources confirmed the entire Jarrett family had gathered in the hospital room to say goodbye to their grandfather as, in hell, his tongue was being pulled slowly from his mouth and his limbs rent from his body by hordes of howling demons.

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