China: 'We've Completely Cured Coronavirus And Everything Is Fine Here And No One Is Allowed In To Check'

BEIJING—President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping made a surprise announcement to a few invited members of the press. “Everything is great here!” he said. “In fact... um... we’ve completely eradicated Coronavirus here -- cured it even. Yep, cured it. We found a cure. But it... um... only works on the Chinese so we can’t give it to you. Yeah, that’s the ticket. China-only cure; can’t share it. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?"

During the press conference, a lot of commotion was heard outside, such as shouting and explosions. Xi eventually remarked on it. “What you hear outside is... um... a party! Yep, that’s what it is. A big party. Everything is so great, we’re having one big party. But no one else is allowed in the country to see it because... it’s a private party. China-only party. But it’s got... um... dragons and fireworks -- you know, typical Chinese stuff. I’m sure you can all imagine it and don’t need to see it. So anyway, we defeated the Coronavirus -- which was made by the U.S. military and has nothing to do with us -- and everything is great and we’re having a party, but you all have to get out now and leave us to it and stop saying I look like Winnie the Pooh because I don’t -- I look like Tom Cruise.” Xi then ended the press conference and took no questions since he “explained everything perfectly.”

American journalists quickly reacted to the news. “China is so much better than the stupid U.S.! I wish we were China!” said an editorial in The New York Times. “If we weren’t banned from seeing inside, we would live in China.” And at Trump’s next press conference, the Times writer's first question was, “Why can’t you be China?”

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