This is the SFW/censored version of this post. You can view the uncensored, sexually explicit version here on Pillowfort. All images are borrowed from the internet and are in the post because I like them. If you are the copyright owner or a person in the image, contact me: I’ll gladly credit you, or remove the image at your request.

When I first wrote Sex Ed for Bi Guys, it was for guys whose sexual experience had been mainly with cisgender women. As time went on however, bi guys who had been mainly with other cis men started contacting me because they wanted to explore sex with women or with a trans dude, and they wanted pointers. You may be one of those guys; or you just don’t have much sexual experience, and you’re wondering how sex with someone who owns a vulva works. If that’s the case, then…

Welcome to the first part of a four-part series on having sex with people who own a clit and a vagina. This first part introduces a few things that will get you in the right mindset to become a great partner, as well as some preparations you should make before you even end up in bed with someone. Part 2 will talk about all the fun bits a clit owner has. Part 3 will cover a bunch of different sex acts you can enjoy with a partner. Finally, part 4 will focus on actual f***ing.

On words and gender

You’ve noticed my choice of words: “people who own a clit and a vagina”. Although you will probably use the info in this guide mainly with cis women, not all people born with those genitals are women. Many trans guys still have a clitoris and a vagina, and will never have gender confirmation surgery on their junk. Likewise, many nonbinary people were born with that equipment. Trans women who’ve had gender affirmation surgery on their genitals also have a clitoris and a vagina; I’ll talk about them too. This guide applies to sex with anyone with that equipment, no matter their gender – so you will know how things work the day you end up having fun with a trans or nonbinary person.

Many trans guys don’t use the terms “vulva”, “clitoris”, or “vagina” (or any typical slang terms for those sex parts) because of their female connotations. They might refer to their “clit” as their d**k, and their “vagina” as their front hole or bonus hole; I’ve also seen the term boyp***y thrown around. Some nonbinary people will also dislike the feminine vocabulary. Yet, some trans guys and nonbinary peeps are comfortable with the classic terms. So I will alternate between using the “female” terms and more neutral terms like ‘front hole’ or ‘canal’.

The golden rule of amazing sex: communicate

If you’re going to remember just one thing from this post and forget everything else, it should be this: communicate, communicate, communicate! That’s the key to sex that blows the socks of everyone involved. Get comfortable with the idea of saying what turns you on and what you don’t want. Make your partner comfortable with expressing the same thing: tell them you want to hear what works for them, and when whatever is happening doesn’t work for them. Let them know too that when they want the two of you to slow down, to change what you’re doing, or to stop everything, you will respect that. Ask for permission before you try something new with them, and make it clear they can say no. Look for signs of enthusiastic consent. Hopefully, the two of you (or three, or four…) will agree on plenty of sexy things you can do together, will guide each other to do these in the way that feels the best, and will not waste time on stuff that don’t feel great for everyone.

Some people will be put off by that level of communication. “Talking ruins the mood” is a hard-to-kill misconception that Hollywood movies and television fostered (and I hate to say it, porn too). But you know what really ruins the mood? Someone fingering you who hurts you like hell because you have vaginismus, or a lover who insists on trying stuff you don’t want to do, or who keeps doing something you want the wrong way. No one reads minds either, and good communication lets you go directly to the stuff the two of you find hot and exciting.

Communication also matters when your partner or yourself is nonbinary or trans. You need to talk about what’s dysphoric and what isn’t, and what you or them like best in sex. You can also talk about which words are okay to use for each other’s sex parts and for dirty talk (if they’re into that). It’ll ensure everyone has the best possible time, and help minimize the risk something will go to s**t.

Talking about each other’s sexual health will also matter at some point: your HIV (the AIDS virus) status; any other STI (sexually transmitted infection) you or your partner(s) may have; how you usually protect yourselves for various sex acts; and when you were each tested last. It’s really intimate information though that someone you’ve just met – or yourself – might not want to disclose, and that’s okay. It’s a conversation that will become important though when someone becomes a regular lover and you start talking about relaxing your safer sex practices. You or your partner(s) could be infected with something without knowing, as HIV and most STIs don’t have symptoms, so getting tested together will help keep everyone healthy.

Finally, talk about which contraception methods you’re using when one of you can get pregnant (trans dudes can get pregnant, FYI). Never assume a partner doesn’t have an STI or that they’re using a contraception method just because they invite you to have sex without a condom.

So good communication is the golden rule of sex. It’ll prevent unpleasant things from happening, and it’ll put everyone on the right track for some great times! And frankly, knowing to communicate will give you an edge over many heterosexual men…

Sexual roles and preferences

Heteronormative expectations – norms that come from what your average straight person is perceived to be doing – make their way into people’s heads when it comes to sex, and they pressure people into taking on certain sexual roles. This is even truer when you’re having sex with someone who isn’t a person of the same gender than you or with a different sexual equipment then yours. First off, it’s common for bi guys to enjoy different things with people of a different gender. For example, you could be a bottom with cis men, but more dominant with cis women – a lot of bi guys describe that as their experience. Yet it’s important to not let your gender and that of your partner – or your respective sex parts – dictate what must happen in bed.

It’s not because someone has a front hole or a p***y that they have to be the one taking a c**k. It’s not because you have a d**k that you have to be doing the penetrating either (in fact, some cis guys don’t like penetrative sex, but there’s pressure to engage in that, especially in heterosexual sex). You can be a man having sex with a woman and be the submissive one. You can be a trans dude who tops exclusively – or who only likes being penetrated by nonbinary folks or women. You can be 100% into oral sex and not into penetration – still that could be different with a partner of a different gender. Maybe with someone of a certain gender you’re not interested in genital sex, but love roleplaying kinky scenarios. Or maybe you’re a power bottom with other guys, yet you dream of tender, vanilla sex in the missionary position with a woman. This is your sex life; your partner(s) and you are the ones making the rules – it’s all about having an amazing time with each other, no matter what sexual activities you end up doing.

Some partners will be put off when you want to do something that goes against heteronormative expectations, and this can creep into biphobia or cisnormativity. For example, some cis women will think you’re “secretly gay” when you ask them to peg you. Or a partner will expect you to take c**k because you have a front hole, and they’ll get weirded out that you want to be the top. It’s difficult to handle those situations. Sometimes a heart-to-heart about stereotypes and heteronormativity can work, but sometimes your partner will just be set in their views. This hurts when you’re emotionally attached to the person. But on the other hand, many partners will find your attitude a refreshing change when they realize you’ve worked on overcoming heteronormative and cisnormative ideas, as these get in the way of a lot of people enjoying a wholesome sex life.

Your perspective is unique

You learn a lot from having sex with someone who has parts that are different from yours, and it’s an opportunity to have intimate discussions on how your respective bodies work, as well as on what you want and don’t want from sex. An exciting part of being a bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual guy is that you can know the unique bond of sex with another man who has a body similar to yours, but you also get to explore with people who’s gender and body might be uncharted territory to you. You experience more than each of these distinct adventures – these give you a perspective that change the sex you have with each person in way monosexuals know nothing about. As they say, the whole is more than the sum of its parts.

The Scout Motto: Be Prepared

Prepare for sex – whether you expect it or not. In fact, it’s unexpected sex for which you should plan ahead most.

Keep your genitals clean. The first time a woman went down on me, her reaction was “thank God, you’re clean!” – and according to many people, sexual hygiene is a frequent problem with men. When necessary, excuse yourself to the bathroom and wash up your junk in the sink – it’ll often be enough.

Carry your brand of condoms with you at all times if using them matters to you. If using condoms for sex is important to you, carry them even when you’re not expecting sex. Many people who care about safer sex often end up having unprotected sex when sex happens unexpectedly and there are no rubbers around. If you have a penis, carrying your own condoms ensure that they’ll be a brand and a size that are comfortable for you. Sizes vary from one brand to another (for example, Durex are much tighter than Lifestyle), and a lot of people have a bad experience because they think they can just put on any condom. Just like you try shoes before you buy them, you should try on a brand or size of condom while you masturbate, before you use it during sex with a partner. Also, don’t carry condoms in your pockets, in your wallet, or loose in a bag with other objects; heat, pressure, friction, and pointy things are bad for them. A small cigarette case from the dollar store is the perfect size to carry a few condoms. You can also carry dental dams or flavoured condoms for protection for oral sex (don’t put a flavoured condom inside a vagina though, they can increase risk for a yeast infection), and latex or nitrile gloves for fingering or fisting. Many people don’t use them, but some people feel safer with them, and it’s good form to ask if they prefer that.

Keep lube handy. Even if vaginas self-lubricate, having lube with you is a good idea. Not everyone lubricates easily, so putting on some extra lubrication helps make things slide in (and out, and in, and out…). Lube will be useful too when a larger than average penis is involved, when someone tries to fit in a larger sex toy, or when you’re giving vaginal fisting a go.

This is it for part one. Next week, we talk about all the naughty bits a clit owner might end up sharing with you!

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Come see us on r/BisexualMen on Reddit; we are a supportive community for bisexual, bicurious, pansexual, and polysexual men (cis, trans, and nonbinary), as well as for men questioning their sexual orientation. We also have a SFW and a NSFW chatrooms that are pretty active.

Check out all Sex Ed for Bi Guys posts here, including articles such as ”Am I bi?”, Butt Sex 101, and Dating Men, Women, and Nonbinary Folks.