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Right-wing virtue signaling and Internet Tough Guys, America is getting fatter, kids getting too close to your car, a stats on who understands impeachment, Jason from Dr. Phil Calls in with stories of drugs, kickbacks, and fraud on the Dr. Phil set, cruising Michael’s for chicks, Chris the Kiwi tries to date a hooker and/or Jenna Jameson, Jon Breaks Bad News ends an engagement, nine-foot T-Rex penises, Larry weighs in on “Larry-posting”, and Sean goes on hiatus; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Fatsmas Carols has debuted on the Billboard Charts at #5! It’s a Fatsmas miracle, everyone!

I would like to dedicate this historic achievement to my apology to Dame Pesos who was not on this album even though I said he was. Congratulations to all the artists who did have tracks on this fatsterpiece. I hope Sean listens to it–eventually. And most importantly, Merry Fatsmas, everyone! May your boulders be bountiful. Also, don’t forget to check out the newest bonus episode, “Dick on Bigger Nonsense”, available now at Patreon.com/TheDickShow. But first…

It’s the last show of the year, folks, so what did we learn this year?

Always do a test run. It’ll save you $15k. Unfortunately, as a student of history, I know that one is impossible to learn, so what else?

Inflate your balls! Do it early, do it often. If you haven’t done it, make a vow to do so in the New Year. I have never seen women interested in me not for me. It’s a feeling that’s difficult to describe in any other way than, look at women. That’s what their deal is.

Ride ass like a jockey. Or else you will be sitting at home with your dick in your hand while your audio engineer enjoys the vacation of a lifetime on the other side of the world. And you’ll pay for it!

Overreact, walk it back. Nothing says I’m serious like a big noise, and nothing says noise like all caps. Police cars have sirens on them, not gentle asides, and there’s nothing people love more than an apology. Give the people what they want!

Dick sucking machines are here and they’re queer, get used to it! And convince someone to buy you one for Christmas if they haven’t yet. If all the “man” loot crates and intellectual property garbage was returned tomorrow and exchanged for Autoblow dick sucking machines (or even just returned and thrown in an incinterator), the world would be a much happier place. Get your dick sucked. Get a machine to do it.

And speaking of facsimiles, the puppet is just as good as the real thing–in fact, some would say better. If only I could get him to show up more.

Let your mom carry your drugs because they will get lost either way and at least you’ll have someone to yell at when it happens.

Women think Vietnam happened in the 90s.

And finally, the system of banking and finance in the US is a black box of bureaucracy and control, created specifically and at all points to reduce the share of labor and choice and freedom of the US citizenry and deliver it wholesale to an anonymous banking cabal, calving off crumbs and allowances to the 1% along the way, the Boomers, the Saudis, the bankers. Anyone else with a “the”. You will eat bugs and live in storm drains and pay a subscription for it until you are dead. Math will be illegal. Sex is a controlled substance. And that the true power of this Gordion Knot is its incomprehensibility. The bigger nonsense that is weaved to explain it away by the lazy and the incapable. Ban porn. Ban money. Ban hate. Ban love. The issue is money. Not that it is being stolen, but that the concept itself has being stolen: the exchange. The fundamental building-block of personal autonomy has been inverted, bent to work against you, not for you, and that there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Oh yeah, all that and also, lose weight, you big fat fuck. And if you’re not losing weight, bully someone else into losing weight. The world tumbles into a pit of fatness, and someone needs to be able to see their dick on the day the sex machines die and the women finally do take over. And that day is coming, and the women will be horny.

“My Bedroom (feat. Fig Bat Digger Nick)” by KenDollinHide



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A thumbnail of Christmas cheer by MintSalad.



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