After the Supreme Court upheld the conviction of Sanjay Dutt, Bollywood has petitioned Parliament to pass legislation exempting rich, spoilt kids from the purview of Indian law. A visibly seething Mahesh Bhatt ranted, “While the poor kids make mistakes knowingly and need to be punished most severely, the rich kids and youngsters just make silly mistakes. Now you can’t punish someone for making a silly mistake. That would be plain silly.”

Continuing his argument, Mr.Bhatt said, “Now Sanju baba made some silly mistakes as the young son of two insanely famous people. He became a drug addict, developed friendships with underworld and even carried a few assault rifles and hand grenades during the most turbulent phase that Mumbai has seen. Now tell me what is the point of being rich if you cannot do all these silly mistakes? How will other rich kids respect you? Look at my son, if you don’t trust me. Wasn’t he involved with David Headley? Trust me, it is all part of the tough growing up process of a rich kid. Life is not all plain sailing like that of the poor kids. We need new lenient laws for our children.”

Jaya Bachchan, already famous for shedding buckets of tears in Parliament, was again crying uncontrollably when this reporter approached her for a comment. She recovered briefly enough to say, “We people in Bollywood have families, you know? Just because we are extremely rich doesn’t mean we do not have feelings. Sanju baba has such a big-heart that he went out of his way to put in a good word for Abhishek when Aishwarya was still undecided about getting hitched to him. He is so much of a family man that he married three times. What kind of society is this that convicts such a family man and a humanitarian? I shall raise hell in Parliament demanding that he be pardoned and laws be changed.” She then called up Aamir Khan and started crying.

Shahid Kapoor, the leading intellectual among the young Bollywood stars, said that the Supreme Court needs to have some youngsters as judges. He tweeted, “Hi peeple, I say we kneed some yuth 2 becum supreme court judjes..yung judjes for yung india..yeah!” The other new intellectual Imran Khan said that the principle of natural justice requires young judges to judge young people. “If you can drink, have sex and vote after 18 and get married after 21, it is natural that we should have some judges at 21,” he said. A mournful Sonam Kapoor said, “Justice delayed is justice denied. As the case was delayed so long, he should be denied jail and be let free, yaa.”

When approached for a comment on Sanjay Dutt’s arrest, Priyanka Chopra said she only wants what’s best for Shah Rukh Khan. Aamir Khan was involved in an intense discussion with cameraman about the best angles to capture his tears and emotions before making a statement. A drunk and disturbed Salman Khan was seen speeding away into the night in his BMW. Kangana Ranaut was heard screaming, “BASTARD, you BASTARD” at random people while tearing away at her hair and clothes.

Realistic filmmaker Madhur Bhandarkar said that the country needs to be ‘realistic about the reality of the Bollywood’. “Bollywood is a wholly different world to the rest of India. Links to underworld, drugs, rapes, pedophilia, physical assault, drunk driving and bad filmmaking are all part and parcel of the reality of Bollywood. Life here is already very difficult as it is and you cannot expect us to abide by the laws of Rest of India. It is an unrealistic expectation,” he said before demanding the unconditional release of Sanjay Dutt.

Leading socialite and page 3 celebrity, Queenie Bhondie, has demanded the creation of SPZ (Special Persons Zone) to insulate Bollywood types from the clutches of Indian laws. “If an average American can carry assault rifles, why cannot the stars of Bollywood? We copy films from America, so why can’t we copy their laws? Poor Sanju, yaa,” she wailed.