Hi, Russell. Thanks for the opportunity to interview you. Let’s get right into it.

A recent article by Bleacher Report’s Mike Freeman quoted sources on the Seahawks that say you aren’t “black enough.” Is there any truth to the many reports of locker room problems on the team?

That’s not really an answer, Russell.

Again, pretty evasive. Let me go in another direction: How black are you?

With all due respect, I don’t think that’s true.

Well, I’m a white guy, for example. To my knowledge, all of my ancestors are Caucasian. So I can’t choose to be black. Not even one percent. I’m just an average white guy.

Okay. Right. Not my point. I didn’t mean I don’t want to be good at —

Okay, never mind. Let me move on. This interview isn’t going very well so far.

I hope so.

I appreciate your enthusiasm. What is the biggest obstacle you’ve overcome in your sports career? Is it your height?

Wow! I had never heard that about you before. So for a while you played competitive sports using nothing but your sense of hearing?

So let me get this straight: you couldn’t see, you ignored all noise … how did you play sports?

Russell, please feel free to expound on more of your answers. Maybe what some people find off-putting about you is that you sometimes seem to speak in vague cliches, like you’re reading from cat posters taped to the back wall. And I feel like this interview is mostly me talking with you giving really short, non-answers. People want to hear more from you, a Super Bowl champion, not me.

Oh. Well, that’s very nice of you. I’m flattered.

Wow. Thanks.

Again, that’s really nice. But I want to talk about you while we have the chance. How much more time do you have for this interview?

Okay. But it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. Don’t you need to get to bed?

I don’t mean to tell you how to live — you’re the Super Bowl champion, after all, not me — but countless studies say sleep is very important. It helps raise athletic performance and reduce stress.

Must be nice. Anyway, you’re a smart guy: let’s go in a different direction and run through some quick questions on a wide variety of topics. What is your favorite Derek Jeter product?

Your favorite fruit?

Your favorite meme?

A bit dated, but okay. Let’s go back even farther: Your favorite Nat King Cole song?

Your best gardening tip?

Great. Let me see if I have any other questions for you …

That’s what I’m looking to see, Russell. I just said that. Please have some patience.

Okay, it actually looks like I’m out of questions. I just want to thank you again for doing this interview. For someone like me, to interview one of the biggest names in sports, well … it’s huge for my career. It really is. Huge. I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional. I just —

Then consider me Hercules.

Now that I’m all out of questions and the interview is over, is there any question you want to put out there to the people who read this? Ask away. It can be anything at all.

There’s a place called Urban Surf at 2100 North Northlake Way that might be able to help you.