BRAMPTON, ON — Shoppers Drug Marts across the country have begun rolling out promotions for their new “PC Opium Points Points” program — a groundbreaking initiative that offers redeemable points for every opiate prescription a customer picks up.

“There are more opiate users than ever before, and our team has been hard at work developing strategies to ­­make safe opiate consumption a feasible reality for all Canadians,” said Carl Scott, a spokesperson for Shoppers Drugs Mart’s parent company Loblaws.

The PC Opium Points program rewards customers with points that can be redeemed to subsidize the lingering costs of dispensing medications such as Vicodin, Oxycontin, Percocet, and Fentanyl. The points cannot be used towards Codeine, as the company worries the store’s younger clientele might use the discount to create cocktails known to cause grand mal seizures in people like “your 15-year-old sister’s 21-year-old guy friend” and “rapper Lil Wayne.”

“We want to take the opiate crisis off the streets, and evolve that into an opiate crisis in the comfort of an air-conditioned store” clarified a confident Scott.

“Upon joining the program, your account will be preloaded with enough points to cover the entire cost of your first and second pickup, regardless of your existing health insurance status. This equitable measure means that everyone will be able to dip their toes into the opium pond— and hopefully remained hooked on visiting our exceptional pharmacists for all future needs.”

The program, which began its rollout in downtown Toronto stores last week, will be available nationwide in the upcoming month.

Scott has expressed high hopes for the venture, adding that the company will be eliminating medical marijuana from all its pharmacies and redirect its efforts into the program’s success.

“We’re professionals, so we’ll leave drug dealing to the cartels.”