TACOMA, WA—Saying it was hard to fathom how much his old acquaintance had changed over the years, 35-year-old Paul Tooley was reportedly surprised to learn Tuesday that his former classmate Chris Woodward had become a completely different type of fuckup than he was in high school. “I always thought Chris was going to be one of your average burnouts who would never leave our hometown, but it turns out he actually started his own lawn-care business that he ended up running straight into the ground a few years back and now he’s in massive debt—I could hardly believe it,” said Tooley, admitting his initial shock at discovering the apathetic stoner from high school had developed into a totally unexpected type of failure. “Back in school, he was always kind of a loner and he never seemed like a guy you’d expect to have a family—certainly not divorced twice like he is now. I guess I just sort of thought he’d develop a drug addiction or spend some time in jail, not be drowning in bills and estranged from his kids.” When reached for comment, Woodward told reporters he was not surprised to hear Tooley was still the same old judgmental asshole he’d always been.

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