1. Political Puppets Ban Themselves in Apparent Existential Crisis

The official party line for the upcoming RNC is “no sticks, strings, or masks,” the article from CBS’s Tampa affiliate reports. These banned items, via the commutative property, end up nixing puppets too–which have been a part of the political campaign process as long as anyone can remember.

Though Tampa-area puppet masters are obviously disappointed, and have regarded the regulation as an attack on their civil liberties, no one has been hit harder by the news than puppets themselves, who are likely to stay home during the convention and, “just kinda sit around.”

Puppeteers have expressed understanding, however, acknowledging that the regulations are not maliciously directed against their craft. It’s more of a safety issue. How safe would the convention’s featured corporate Puppets be if they were actually allowed to attend? Andrea Davis, spokesperson for the Tampa Police Department, reminded the Tampa Bay Times that “their heads have been used to hide weapons and…fecal matter.”

With corporations historically pulling the strings for Republicans and Democrats alike, it’s unclear how the Puppets will perform during the convention while unable to spout bullshit, pack heat, or even attend.

What Does it Mean For You?

Lacking a corporate hand up his ass, both sides of the aisle are moderately interested in meeting the “real” Mitt Romney.

2. Sexual Fantasies Expected to Remain Unhealthy

Pornstar Lisa Ann, better known as the actress who played Sarah Palin in the 2008 blockbuster Who’s Nailin Paylin? is scheduled to appear at Tampa strip club The Dollhouse during the Republican National Convention. No word yet if the the reality star herself is planning to make an appearance.

You’d expect hardline Republicans to steer clear of strip clubs, especially those that would exploit the image of one of their most visionary leaders, but the RNC has a history of mixing work and pleasure. In 2010, the RNC took heat for the $2,000 dollars spent on “meals” at a bondage club in West Hollywood.

What Does it Mean For You?

Prospective attendees are advised to arrive at The Dollhouse early, as lines of magoo senators and congressmen are projected to have difficulty seeing the contents of their wallets.

Much to the chagrin of Tampa area romantics, private rooms will be limited; John McCain has reserved 15 of the club’s 16 VIP rooms in the hopes of finding a viable 2016 running mate.

3. Why Garbage Men Have Been Tasked with Taking Out More Than the Trash, Again

In a twist you would only expect to find in a Douglas Adams story, Tampa area Waste Management workers have joined the ranks of a citywide effort to substantially reduce terrorism.

Finally garbage (wo)men are being entrusted with something more regal than our refuse. With an aptly misnamed moniker, Tampa officials have started the “Waste Watch” project; a community action program that has waste management workers on the lookout for suspicious activity. Police Captain Bret Barret spurred the employees of Waste Management, which serves over 72,000 residences in Hillsborough County, stating, “Nobody knows your neighborhood like you do. You know what’s supposed to be there and what’s not supposed to be there.” And he’s not referring to styrofoam in the recycling bin.

During a culturally sensitive 14-minute informational video on how to spot a terrorist, drivers are encouraged to report anyone “taking an undue interest in our bins.” You don’t have to read between the lines to see who’s plotting the next terrorist attack: homeless people.

What Does it Mean For You?

With their new affiliation to the Dept. of Homeland Security, Tampa residents are now advised to take caution before tossing items into the trash. Conspicuous liquids or gels is a one-way ticket to Gitmo. Bins are also expected to protest en masse over the full-can scanners currently being installed on all garbage trucks. Sans puppets, naturally.

4. Strip Clubs Gear-Up For RNC with Backdoor Wheelchair Entrances, Other Denial-Friendly Amenities

With 40,000 Republican delegates scheduled to descend upon Tampa, strip clubs are going the extra mile and preparing for the troves of religiously-shackled masses with discreet rear entrances and virtual dance rooms.

When RNC attendees tire of the Convention’s fantastical tirades and nation-crippling partisan rhetoric, they can make their way to 2001 Odyssey, where discreet entrances and private rooms will shield their behavior from their families and the public. As an added bonus, RNC goers can bring the party home! The virtual “make it rain” system at Odyssey allows clients to swipe a credit card and send up to 2,000 dollars in small bills falling on the dancer of their choice. Talk about job creation!

What Does it Mean For You?

Comparing the behavior of Republicans and Democrats in strip clubs, the director of the Association of Club Executives stated that, “Hands down, it was Republicans” who spent more money in the clubs. The right side of the aisle averaged $150 dollars a night to the Democrat’s $50. So if you’re planning on making the trip, be sure to bring some extra bills to get that dance.

So much for the Pubs’ being insensitive to women…

5. Why a Despicable Crime is Expected to Spike During RNC in Tampa

Because Florida in general, and Tampa specifically, has a problem with human trafficking, area police have released a statement, a warning, to traffickers in advance of the Republican National Convention, scheduled to begin August 27th.

It won’t be tolerated.

This stolid stance from TPD should give pause to human traffickers who, until the RNC came to town, have operated with complete impunity. A detective from a nearby precinct went so far as to say law enforcement officials would be extending their services even to children. “We want families to know that we are protecting their kids,” stated George Koder, a Clearwater police detective.

With over 50,000 people coming to the city, trafficking is expected to rise by 50%. Police have used much of a $50 million dollar Federal grant to bolster their police presence, but the police aren’t the only ones to act.

Zonta International, an organization committed to stopping violence against women, has embarked on a controversial campaign to raise awareness with billboards depicting everyday men accompanied with messages like, “This man wants to rent your daughter.”

If the Tampa city official’s full court press is expected to reduce human trafficking incidents to only 50%, from its perennial mark of 100%, the fear is that convention-goers will resort to more serious crimes..

What Does it Mean For You?

Due to the high volume of flight reservations being booked by human traffickers, many RNC goers are booking one-way tickets and planning to walk around alone at night in the hopes of landing an expenses-paid return trip… somewhere.

6. A (Semi-) Surprising Development from the RNC

Tampa’s City Council voted to approve a 2 million dollar contract to purchase security cameras for the Republican National Convention.

While the city is attempting to bolster its prosecuting ability by encircling the Tampa Bay Times Forum, the center of the 2012 Republican National Convention, with 60 high tech security cameras, some Tampa residents are worried about the cameras encroaching on their personal liberty. Though since the Days of Rage in Chicago at the 1968 Democratic National Convention, every National Convention has turned the host city into a police state, what concerns residents is that there is currently no timetable for removing the cameras.

Would it be ironic, coincidental, or painfully expected if the Republicans, authors of the Patriot Act, were to turn Tampa into a lasting Orwellian dystopia beginning with their “Convention Without Walls”? Regardless of preparations and rhetoric, among those expected to be on the other side of the wall are uteruses and Mexico.

In related news, former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner breached partisan walls when he reportedly showed up three weeks early making the statement, “I thought it was ‘Convention Without Pants.’”

So, with human trafficking being a prominent issue in Hillsborough County, where Tampa is situated, and the fact that an attempted abduction was recently caught on video, will concerned residents voices be heard?

What Does it Mean For You?

With the added surveillance, Tampa Republicans will enjoy decreased civil liberties and the opportunity to tacitly accept Big Government, vote for Big Government, protest Big Government, and support policies that put them at an economic disadvantage because of Big Government.

7. How Tampa is Flexing its Muscles Pre-Convention

Planning for any protest, convention, or concert requires seamless cooperation between a City’s executive, legislative, and judicial entities. In preparation, Tampa is expanding its judicial locations to allow for expedited hearings, day and night, in satellite courts outside the city limits.

With the number of expected groups from across the U.S. rising daily, the number of counter-protester groups are sure to follow suit. Then, of course, there’s the anarchists, who wouldn’t miss this for the world. Their office could not be reached for a statement regarding their expected numbers or political motivations, however, the mother of a prominent Tampa-bound anarchist spoke briefly to the press and indicated that he had not finished his chores before leaving.

The challenge for Tampa city officials is how to “accommodate” the inevitable influx of misbehaving protesters into their justice system while still maintaining the integrity of the word “justice.”

The fact that many of these satellite courts’ proposed locations are in jails is sure to discourage some protesters from becoming disorderly. And the fact that the hearings will be “expedited,” and most likely unlawful, should encourage protesters to keep it at a five.

What Does it Mean For You?

Tampa-area protesters who plan on protesting are advised to seek the counsel of a local attorney.