SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,” said Director of Arena Operations David Sherrill in a press conference, explaining that a single jam by Marvin Bagley III could feasibly power a rack of stadium lights for an hour. “The best part is that we’re only scratching the surface on this technology. We have reason to believe that 360s and alley-oops could be even more powerful. It’s really a no-brainer, no extra heat generation, no carbon emissions—the only complaints we get are about aesthetics, from people not used to seeing sick windmills pounding the rim at every opportunity, but they’ll get used to it.” At press time, a California utility company had successfully lobbied the state to ban all windmill dunks for the next 20 years.

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