We Are 65 Witches Who Have Known Dorothy For Years and Were Never Killed By Her House

“Sixty-five women who knew Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh in high school have testified to his good character in a letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee, in light of recently surfaced allegations that he tried to force himself on a girl during his time at Georgetown Preparatory School, an all-boys school in Bethesda, Maryland.” — Tara Golshon, Vox, 9/14/18

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We are 65 witches who have been practicing magic for more than 35 years. We hail from every realm: Narnia, Eastwick, Salem, Sunnydale, Scotland, Hogwarts, The Woods. We are a diverse community, representing a bipartisan coven — good and evil, white and green-skinned. And today, we want to let everybody know that Dorothy Gale has never killed any of us with her house.

For the entire time we have known Dorothy, a small-town girl who got caught up in the adventure of her life when that tornado carried her to Oz, she has behaved honorably and treated everyone with respect. We strongly believe it is important to convey this information to the Committee at this time.

Of all the total strangers from Kansas who have crashed into Oz, Dorothy has stood out for her friendship, character, and integrity. In particular, she has always been decent to witches. The first friend she made in Oz was Glinda the Good Witch of the North. When Glinda gave Dorothy directions, Dorothy followed them to the letter, leaving behind her home which had carried her to Oz and landed on an empty patch of grass.

What else do we know about Dorothy? We know that she loves her dog. In fact, she’s a friend to all animals. Look at how she treats that sad lion.

We know that she has impeccable taste in shoes. Where did she get those shoes, exactly? No one knows for sure. It’s a real she-said, she-said-nothing-because-she-was-dead situation. But they look dazzling on her, and that’s what counts.

Let’s cut the shit: Are you seriously telling us you believe that witch? Witches have been lying about getting killed by flying houses for generations. That’s what we do. We just want all the fame and glory and sweet, sweet cash that every witch gets after being murdered by one-story shacks in Munchkinland.

What don’t you understand about us? Hellooooo, we’re WITCHES. We see the future. We cast spells on people. We boil frog eyeballs and eat them as cocktail snacks. We’re literally magical. Do you think some basic from Kansas could up and off one of us, just like that? Using her house? Don’t make us cackle.

Even if you could prove that her house was responsible for a witch’s death (and who can prove anything?), it was completely out of character for her to kill a witch and is not a behavior she would repeat. She doesn’t even know that water can melt us! Witches have nothing to fear from Dorothy, who has never killed one of us, and, if she had (but she hasn’t, we would definitely know if she had) would certainly not do so again.

Anyway, who cares? We didn’t even really like the Wicked Witch of the East! Her sister’s flying monkeys were frankly terrifying. As for Dorothy, she is a humble farm girl with simple desires. All she’s ever wanted is to go home. We hear she coaches this girls’ basketball team to which she’s very keen to return.

The Wicked Witch of the East died in 1939. It seems awfully convenient that this is coming up now, don’t you think?

As for us, we drafted this letter for selfless reasons only after this slanderous tale about Dorothy and her house was reported on by Ronan Farrow.