WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Fulfilling a promise that was a hallmark of his campaign, President-elect Donald J. Trump said on Thursday that on Day One of his Administration he would create jobs for two unskilled white males.

Appearing at a press conference flanked by the males, Trump assailed an economy that had left the two men behind.

“These two guys are completely unskilled, unemployable, and angry,” Trump said, as the two males glowered at the press corps. “I, and I alone, can create jobs for people like them.”

Gesturing vehemently at the two men, Trump underlined his last point. “No one—I repeat, no one—but me is willing to give these two jobs,” he said.

The two unskilled men profusely thanked Trump, and said that they had almost given up hope that anyone would ever hire them again.

Appearing on CNN, another unskilled white male, Corey Lewandowski, said that the two jobs Trump had created were “just the beginning.”

“Almost everyone Donald Trump knows is an angry, unskilled white male, and he’s going to give jobs to every last one of them,” he said.