Has your life become a little stale? Do you need some excitement in your neighborhood, but aren’t quite sure what to do? Do you want to discover a quick and easy way to gain recognition in your community? Well look no further, as I have the perfect solution: get yourself arrested!

Now, in order to get arrested properly it will require some planning and forethought. While there certainly are many ways in which you can go about getting arrested, I strongly recommend an attempted burglary. But you can’t go breaking in to homes all willy-nilly; that’s an easy way to get yourself injured or killed; so please, before you start, make sure you do your homework.

First, don’t bother casing a house; just wait until they leave to go to the grocery store. Make sure you walk down there in the early afternoon. If you really want to increase your chances of making a big scene, attempt the robbery on a weekend or holiday, so it’s more likely all the neighbors will be home. Also, rob a house in your neighborhood, so everyone recognizes you, and many people might even know where you live.

Once you have decided which house to rob, just follow these simple steps to ensure you’ll be in handcuffs by the end of the day:

Rob house. This one is simple. Wander down to a house where it looks like no one is home, and loudly try to kick the door in. Remember, if you want to get arrested, silence is your enemy. If you do it just right, you’ll leave a clear shoe-print on the door, which is perfect for the police investigation. For maximum payoff, attempt to kick in the front door so that you’re clearly visible to passers-by and neighbors. Steal something large and cumbersome. While other robbers are stealing valuable items that can easily fit in their pockets, you’ll make more of a commotion if you steal something really big and awkward, like a barbecue grill or a lawnmower. And don’t bother with a getaway car, just push the thing down sidewalk to your house. The more unusual the stolen item is, the more likely someone will notice and remember you. And when you get home, just leave the stolen item in your yard and wait for the guy to return to his house and call the police. Return to the scene of the crime. This is extremely important. While the police officer is talking to the homeowner, walk back to the house and interrupt the investigation by loudly asking the officer what is going on. When he tells you there was a robbery, get all indignant and upset. Whatever you do, don’t act casual or normal in any way. Lay it on thick. Cry if you have to. This will ensure the officer gets really suspicious. And if the officer starts questioning you, stammer around a lot and make up some half-assed story that doesn’t make sense. Get Arrested. This is your time to put on a show. Now that you’ve made a big scene and acted suspiciously, the police will figure it out in short order and come to your house. When they arrive, act like a complete jackass and try to escape by sneaking out the back door. Of course, they will undoubtedly see you trying to escape and chase you down and tackle you in the street. While the officer is reading you your Miranda rights, just think about the great show your neighbors are getting. You’ve just become a neighborhood celebrity! If you don’t get caught, repeat steps 1 through 4 until you do. And for the best story, never throw away or sell anything you stole. While other criminals hold a garage sale or place an ad on Craigslist in an attempt to get rid of all the stolen items, I recommend you keep it all in a pile in the garage. Having all that stolen merchandise in your garage will really help you get busted when the cops finally figure it out, and trust me, they will.

So there you go, loyal reader(s). If you follow my simple five-point guide to getting arrested, you’ll be in handcuffs in no time, your face will be permanently etched in the minds of all your neighbors, and your name will be on all kinds on important paperwork at the court house and city hall. Just think of how great you’ll feel when everyone on the block knows that you’re a thief, and gives you dirty looks every time they see your slovenly ass sitting on the front porch. Of course, you’ll have to do some jail time first, but that’s the price you pay when you’re famous.

This has been Andy sayin, “No, a joke would be calling you a homo.”