Crystal Palace have never won England’s top division, never won the FA Cup and never won the League Cup. They have never played in a proper European competition but did venture briefly into the 1998 InterToto Cup, where their spry endeavour yielded a 4-0 aggregate defeat by some mob called Samsunspor. The best win in Palace’s history came against Barrow AFC, a club that disappeared from the football league nearly half a century ago; and the actual Crystal Palace, after which the club was named, was destroyed by fire in 1936. So that’s the sort of outfit were dealing with here. Let’s not expect too much from Palace next season, eh?

Those aren’t the Mill’s words, reader, they’re taken directly from a scrap of paper that the Mill found on the tube this morning. We’ve no idea who wrote it but if you’re thinking that it must be a draft of Roy Hodgson’s speech for when he’s unveiled as Palace’s manager, as he is widely tipped to be, then we’re in no position to correct you. The only other clue we can offer is that there were also some badly smudged lines on the back of that scrap of paper that appeared to say something such as “this club has no divine right to finish above former English champions such as Huddersfield Town” and “how can anyone have anything against Brighton, it’s a lovely place for a boat ride.”

Whoever is in charge of Palace next season may not have to face Michy Batshuayi, the Chelsea striker who is being linked with a move to Monaco. The French champions are in the market for a new striker and won’t be a short of cash, especially if Manchester City pay a world record fee for young Kylian Mbappé.

Manchester United, meanwhile, are said to be preparing a bid for Tottenham’s left-back Danny Rose and may try to sweeten the switch by offering Mauricio Pochettino a chance to renew acquaintances with Luke Shaw. Perhaps both clubs would be better off moving for AZ Alkmaar’s Ridgeciano Haps now, rather than buying him from Southampton next year.

Ander Herrera will be offered an opportunity to renew acquaintances, too, but apparently wants to stay at Old Trafford rather than defect to Barcelona, who are managed by Ernesto Valverde, his old boss at Athletic Bilbao.

PSG are confident of beating Liverpool and Chelsea to the signing of Bayern Munich winger Douglas Costa. Sevilla and Deportivo La Coruna are confident of prising Lucas Pérez from Arsenal, who, yes, still have him.

Rafael Benítez and Mike Ashley are planning to strip Hull. Careful how you read that. What the Mill is trying to say is that Newcastle are going to make an offer for Hull’s Polish winger Kamil Grosicki and their Italian defender Andrea Ranocchia.

M’baye Niang has decided he has seen everything worth seeing in Watford so will return to Milan, who are preparing to signal what they’re all about these days by making a bid for Marseille’s former Newcastle flop, Florian Thauvin.

Crewe Alexandra want to lure Wes Brown, the former Manchester United defender who is set to leave Blackburn Rovers.

Wolves are said to be preparing to oust Paul Lambert as manager and replace him with Nuno Espírito Santo.