For the last three days, I have mostly only left my bed to travel to the couch. I always imagined life would be just like the board game, I’d spin a wheel and end up with an education, career, and a minivan full of kids. Life with dysautonomia is nothing like that. I am forever stuck in the board game chutes and ladders. I climb only to fall again. Every spin of the wheel holds the potential of danger, for there are chutes everywhere and I never know how high I will climb or how far I will fall. These past two years I have been in the longest chute on the board. Traveling down it I see signs that say...”burden on your family”...”no job”...”can’t parent your own kids”....”no purpose.” I try my best to close my eyes and free fall without the images of those words creeping in, but they always do. What I did not know about hyperadrenergic pots is that it can change your neurotransmitters and your adrenalin levels and through you into deep depression and extreme anxiety without any warning. I have always coped so well with illness and was so proud of that, but now I am free falling with a mind that is all over the place. Last night my husband and I had a little talk and he told me not to make him feel bad for being proud of himself for the job he does at work. He was so right. I am so jealous of him, because I remember that feeling, when I was proud of my work which made it easier to be proud of my parenting, and simply proud to be me. I am no longer proud to be me. My pride has always come from my achievements and I was a high achiever. So I figure I have two choices....hate being me or change my definition of what I am proud of. So here is my attempt. I am proud of me because:

My children see me pray everyday

I am the kind of person who picks trash up off the street when I see it

I have created a home that stresses kindness and empathy

I’m still here and still trying to get better

I care deeply about others

Perhaps in time I will learn more about me and be proud of my qualities and not my achievements. In the meantime I am waiting for this chute to end and then I will bravely spin again.