Senator Susan Collins, Republican of Maine, has unfurrowed her brow, and she’s emerged from the depths of being both troubled and disappointed and flung herself into the blinding light of complete self-parody. She recently held a closed-door fundraiser back home, but the Lewiston Sun-Journal’s indefatigable Steve Collins managed to eavesdrop on the proceedings. And, well, hilarity ensued.

Listening at the door from an occasionally noisy hotel hallway, most of Collins’ address could be easily overheard. [Ed. Note: that’s old-school newshound stuff, brother Collins.] But the noise level rose during the other speakers, making much of what they said indecipherable. LePage, though, told the dinner he’s thinking of running for governor again, a point he has often made but usually not before such a receptive crowd. “Gov. LePage is back,” Collins proclaimed to much cheering and applause.

Yes, Susan Collins, she of the tender conscience, and the source of dozens of highly nuanced surrenders to the will of the White House, is back home pitching herself for re-election by stanning for Paul LePage, the human bowling-jacket who served two terms as Maine’s governor, and who is quite possibly the most ridiculous elected official since The Rapture claimed Michele Bachmann. There are some things that make a political career just not worth it. Sucking up to Paul LePage has to be at the top of any list.

Paul LePage is quite possibly the most ridiculous elected official since Michele Bachmann. Portland Press Herald Getty Images

But Collins is making a strong play to be included in Other Ridiculous Politicians Receiving Votes.

She said that wherever she goes in Maine, people tell her they want to see an end to “the vitriol and divisiveness” in Washington and for politicians to “get back to work on the issues that affect our lives.” Collins also complained that “the far left says Republicans are not pro-women.”

“Hello? Have you heard of Margaret Chase Smith, Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins?” she asked before pointing out the GOP elected the first woman to Congress, put the first woman on the U.S. Supreme Court, appointed the first woman national security adviser and more.

I dunno. Has she heard of Susan Collins, who helped foist Brett Kavanaugh on women and on the rest of us for the foreseeable future? Has she heard of Susan Collins, who helped create the political environment for dark money by taking a dive on the DISCLOSE Act in the wake of the Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision in 2010? From OpenSecrets:

Nevertheless, moderate Republicans such as Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine), Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) and Scott Brown (R-Mass.) — who reform advocates had targeted — stood behind Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who is a long-time opponent of campaign finance regulation. On the Senate floor today, McConnell blasted the legislation and its Democratic supporters, saying, “They want government to pick and choose who gets to speak in elections, and how much they speak.”

However, some of Susan Collins’s best friends are women. Anyway, I expect to see Smoothy, Shifty, and D-Money in one of her television ads very soon.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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