Boyfriend in FBI Wants to Try Backdoor, Just Once

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. – An already strained relationship found itself in dire straits this past Thursday when local boyfriend and FBI investigator, Andrew Forrest, pleaded his case for backdoor access, just once.

“The truth is, I know how to do these things safely, and I will be totally discreet,” Forrest said reassuringly. “And, honestly, she is the only person I am requesting to do this with. Is that so unbelievable?”

Tina Clancy, Forrest’s partner and an Apple store sales associate, remained unconvinced by her boyfriend’s request. “I know once he gets what he wants, this won’t be the only time he asks,” Clancy said. “If I say yes to this now, it could lead to many more breaches down the line.”

During a 6-hour filibuster, Forrest repeatedly stressed the importance of “working together” on the issue, while explaining the extenuating circumstances of his request. “I’m just asking because my birthday is coming up. It’s a one-time request, for this situation only,” Forrest said, growing frustrated. “I feel like you don’t trust me.”

Clancy remained decidedly opposed to her boyfriend’s explanation. “Does he not realize that birthdays happen every year?” she said. “It may be a birthday this time, but what about anniversaries, promotions, or a good March Madness bracket? Not to mention the precedent it sets for future requests.”

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When it was clear that Clancy was not turning around on the issue, Forrest was left with no choice but to cite a drunkenly inscribed bar napkin he received from Clancy on Valentine’s Day in 2011.

Despite a failed attempt to sound declaratory, Forrest read aloud, “Good for one night of wild sex — winky face.”’

Clancy rebutted Forrest’s claim, stating that not only was the napkin virtually illegible and “out of context,” it was clearly outdated. “The bottom line is, he’s not getting the access he’s demanding,” Clancy said. “The last ‘just once’ was when I agreed to do merch for the cover band he started with some friends at the Bureau.”

She added, “I’ve been selling $15 shrink wrapped CDs for The Undercovers for years now.”