The decade opened on an uplifting note, as there were several days in 2010 during which Lindsay Lohan was neither entering or exiting rehab. And America’s eyeballs were riveted on the trial of Casey Anthony, who was definitely guilty of being an attractive woman who murdered her 2-year-old daughter, according to the legal expertise of deeply concerned individuals who live-tweeted it.

Across the pond, Greece’s economy was hemorrhaging money because its budget involved spending hundreds of billions of dollars while its only source of revenue was taxing one tourist who sold their timeshare in Santorini back in 2007. Its credit was downgraded from “pond scum” to “something that makes the BP Oil Spill look like a failed middle school science experiment.”

The whole world gawked bug-eyed at Prince William and Kate Middleton during their Royal Wedding. For some reason, Americans woke up at 5 a.m. to watch a marriage involving a couple they’ve never met, will never meet, and will never affect their lives in any way. This is what Instagram albums are for.

Steve Jobs died, and he will be forever immortalized as the man who tried to disrupt pancreatic cancer with juice cleanses. He also introduced the iPhone to humanity; this amazing microtechnology bringing all the world’s information to our fingertips, and yet, when we drunkenly order late-night Domino’s from a bathroom stall, it can’t survive a single drop into a toilet.

The Tea Party movement — which famously demanded our feckless Kenyan dictator “take the government’s hands off of Medicare” — stormed the Capitol Bastille to elect a new breed of representatives who are not career politicians, or even mentally stable. Democrats were devastated at every level of government: federal, state, municipal, student council, and various Parks and Recreation departments.

Despite the ensuing Republican congressional obstinance, the Affordable Care Act was passed — a good-faith compromise between keeping private health insurance intact and forcing Americans to purchase private health insurance. Republicans reciprocated the gesture by trying to repeal it every day for the rest of this decade.

In retrospect, I suspect some of the most popular shows of the 2010s might be allegories of our dysfunctional healthcare system:

Stranger Things examines the struggle of living with preexisting conditions: The children will be denied treatment for the cancer they’ll eventually develop after their exposure to the Upside Down.

Walking Dead is a tale of a zombie uprising of people who were forced to ration their insulin treatment.

Breaking Bad’s pilot would also be the show’s finale if it were set in any other developed country.

The big story of the Obama administration took place in Abbottabad, Pakistan, where a team of Navy SEALs dropped by to visit Osama bin Laden’s compound and interrupted his quiet evening of watching the Royal Wedding. The US government considered sentencing the al-Qaeda leader to a lifetime of TSA checks but ultimately went with grinding him into fish chum, and, in a solemn ceremony, shot him into SeaWorld Orlando.

DC was rocked by leaked documents that reveal the National Security Agency has been secretly collecting massive amounts of data on phone calls, emails, electronic activities, Nickleback Spotify streams, and orders of Crocs on Amazon Prime. Thanks to Edward Snowden, Americans will think twice before sending each other “off-color jokes” that would look horrifically bigoted “if taken out of context.”

In response to the deaths of Eric Garner, Freddie Gray, Trayvon Martin, Philando Castile, Tamir Rice, Laquan McDonald, and Michael Brown, Black Lives Matter emerged to highlight the racial disparities in our criminal justice system. Critics responded by pointing out that these killings are not part of a larger trend, but a series of frequently occurring isolated incidents which all happen to involve a white cop shooting an unarmed black person.

Meanwhile, young Americans, disillusioned with paying $10 a month for a Netflix subscription, took to the streets as part of the Occupy Random Parks protests, which railed against… well, I’ve been told that invoking the “n-word” is a touchy taboo that will offend some people, but, here we go, brace yourselves: neoliberalism. It was immediately decried as class warfare because the only class warfare Americans will tolerate is school shootings.

After two dozen children were gunned down at Sandy Hook, lawmakers looked their grieving parents in the eye and said, “pornography is the real national crisis.” This was confirmed when Miley Cyrus — remembered fondly as a perky preteen Disney star — appeared as a horrifying, vaguely reptilian mutant in Barbie underwear grinding on stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards, committing unconscionable acts with Robin Thicke and a foam finger. Obviously, the real scandal was Hannah Montana twerking rather than the recipient of said twerking topping the charts for recording an instructional video on how to use PUA techniques to get restraining orders filed against you.

Sadly, twerking wasn’t even the stupidest dance of this decade. There was the “Harlem Shake,” which was essentially a bass-induced epileptic seizure, “the backpack kid dance,” which could be medically diagnosed as a mass nervous-system degeneration, and the “Gangnam Style” which looks like someone concussing themselves in mid-Cotton Eyed Joe before snorting bath salts.

Colorado and Washington became the first states to legalize weed, and the only thing that changed is people would no longer be arrested for something they’ve already been doing.

Obamacare’s rollout wasn’t as smooth as anticipated — Healthcare.gov was full of glitches, resulting in people being unable to log in, people mistakenly purchasing insurance “Christian Science Healing, LLC,” and people accidentally drone-striking Tehran. If only we could devise a system where everyone pulls their money together on a single-paying platform that covers everyone’s health care. Sounds like GoFundMe… just like Marx intended.

The 2013 Boston Marathon was devastated by a fatal bombing attack, and law enforcement shut down the entire city for 24 hours before they found Dzhokhar Tsarnaev hiding under a boat in the backyard of some suburban home. This manhunt raised some serious concerns: Either the US is a low-key totalitarian police state or Boston PD is terrible at hide and seek.

Hugo Chavez’s government collapsed in Venezuela due to mismanagement, greed, and a collapse in oil prices. Since his regime called itself “socialist,” BUT VENEZUELA became the go-to buzzword to respond to claims like “maybe full-time Wal-Mart employees shouldn’t need food stamps to survive.” The same people who say BUT VENEZUELA are also surprised that buffalo wings aren’t literally made from buffalo and that buffalo don’t actually have wings.

A crisis in Syria brewed when the White House accused their president, Bashar al-Assad, of using chemical weapons. This crossed the “red line” that beta soy boy Obama set in 2012. The Russians stepped in purely for altruistic reasons and crafted a plan that allows for al-Assad to remain in power as long as he promises to ruthlessly slaughter his people in a more humane way. And this would be the last we’d ever hear about Syria.

News broke about Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling making racist statements to his girlfriend in a recorded phone call. America was shocked to learn that an elderly billionaire with a history of housing discrimination would hold unfavorable views on black people. Sterling was handed a swift punishment: He was forced to sell his team for $2 billion, fined about .5% of his net worth, and sentenced to watch D’Jango Unchained with Al Sharpton.

Hunger Games was one of the highest-grossing franchises of the decade, even though the only hunger games millennials are interested in is figuring out which vital organ to sell into the black market to afford avocado toast.

Coachella—AKA Urban Outfitters: The Musical — grew in popularity, mostly because it was a boom for influencers. Specifically, the niché of people who:

Get abs just to be annoying about it on Snapchat. Wannabe Deadheads who smoked weed exactly once, listen to Billie Eilish, and say things like “Coachella would be hella dope if there were less weird indie bands and more washed-up actresses performing monologues about why their marriage isn’t worth saving.”

Ellen’s Oscar selfie with various Hollywood A-listers became the most widely shared tweet in history, which only means that no matter how famous or unpopular we are, deep down, on the inside, we’re all validation-seekers looking for at least 100 likes on our Instagram pics.

Deflategate rocked the NFL after Commissioner Jerry Jones’s Whipping Boy suspended Tom Brady for using an underinflated football made entirely of kale leaves. The second-most hated orange man in America was suspected of overcompensating for bungling the punishments after a pair of domestic violence incidents involving two runningbacks who missed the memo that “pound the rock” doesn’t literally apply to civilians.

Speaking of [INSERT CONTROVERSY]-gate, Gamergate happened. It’s like when Boston sports fans get drunk and yell a bunch of racist slurs at athletes, but instead, it’s a bunch of gamers who are definitely not sexless creeps harassing two females, and it’s all over the internet.

Pumpkin Spiced Lattes became one of the most widely-consumed beverages this decade despite it looking like Flint tap water.

Kim Kardashian broke the internet with a picture that shows she is capable of balancing a champagne glass on her ass, or something that a stripper can do for $20.

The Supreme Court declared marriage equality constitutional because love is love for everyone except Kim Davis.

Fifty Shades of Gray was described by movie critics as “creatively better endowed than the book,” which is about as much of a compliment as saying “Tomi Lahren is intelligent because she hasn’t fisted her mouth in public.” Suburban wine moms still flocked to see the movie, and its popularity has left men to reevaluate their looks, charm, career path, metaphysical existence, and foreplay technique.

Amazon made Prime Day an unofficial holiday, and it would disrupt Black Friday’s sales powers, because why beat other shoppers to death when we can make warehouse workers suffer immeasurably to get same-day delivery on Alexas?

Taylor Swift grew tired of writing country songs about stabbing voodoo dolls of her ex-boyfriends, so she shifted to writing pop songs about “shaking it off,” and comparing her online haters to homophobia, “‘cause shade never made anybody less gay.” This is true, but “shade” made a lot of gay people victims of hate crimes.

The Syrian civil war has left millions of refugees displaced. Neighboring countries, the EU, and Canada began admitting refugees into their respective nations. American conservatives looked deep into their hearts, reflected on the Bible’s teachings, and quoted Lady Liberty: “Give me your STEMs, your entrepreneurs, your huddled PhDs who won’t leech off our welfare.”

With her Vanity Fair cover spread, Caitlyn Jenner confused generations of people who can’t wrap their heads around the Verizon “can you hear me now?” guy starring in Sprint commercials. Her transition inspired an ongoing scientific debate between transphobic YouTubers and angry Target customers on whether there’s a biological difference between a micropenis and an oversized clit. This decade has seen the rise of the man bun, the RompHim, and whatever Billy Porter wore to the Oscars, so haven’t we intuitively concluded that gender is a fashion trend?

On the environmental front, world leaders gathered to sign the Paris Accord — a pinky promise from industrialized nations to reduce their carbon emissions — which is about as useful as an IOU from Donald Trump.

Following the Fox “News” tradition of complaining about political correctness and then complaining about people not using their preferred holiday salutations, Evangelicals lost their minds when Starbucks unveiled its all-red holiday cup. “REMOVING SNOWFLAKES FROM HOLIDAY CUPS IS DISRESPECTFUL TO CHRISTMAS,” they cried. Yeah, libs, Jesus was born in the Middle East and deserts are obviously notorious for their snowfall.

To Pimp a Butterfly raised the bar for conscious hip-hop, so Drake upped Kendrick’s ante by dropping a mixtape full of whitewash Caribbean elevator music and calling it a “playlist.” This genius marketing ploy racked up millions of streams from the third-most-sensitive members of frat houses looking to softly seduce Kappas by proving they’re a walking Hey Girl meme.

Chipotle was plagued with an E. coli infestation in its supply chain, so SoulCyclers looking to shed some quick pounds immediately replaced Hydroxycut with burrito bowls.

Canadians elected a suave, well-quaffed, French-Canadian dreamboat named Justin Trudeau so the world would forget that the mayor of their largest city was a crackhead who once walked into a TV camera.

The world reeled in shock after horrific terrorist attacks in Paris. Rest assured, the better angels of our nature rose to the occasion by placing a French flag overlay on their Facebook profile pics, which was somehow more productive than John Kerry traveling to France with James Taylor to perform “You’ve Got a Friend” after Charlie Hebdo was shot up.

El Chapo escaped from a “maximum security” prison through an elaborate tunnel, and Sean Penn met up with him to write a Rolling Stone piece, which, if you ever want to torture yourself, you can try to read the whole thing without opening another browser tab.

BuzzFeed Hogwarts House quizzes came to life when Disney created a Harry Potter theme park. To commemorate the opening of Wizardly World, JK Rowling tweeted the announcement of her new book, Harry Potter and the Witch Who I Insist on Calling a “Wizard” because Hogwarts Hasn’t Introduced a Gender Transitioning Spell Yet. It was immediately canceled after she was called out for being a TERF who only made Dumbledore gay so she could get a Queer Eye makeover.

For several months, people argued over the color of a blue or white dress, which might be a commentary on the state of our political discourse — or why people suck at color coordinating.

Colin Kaepernick sparked a nationwide controversy (race cold war?) when he was caught kneeling during the National Anthem to protest police brutality. It immediately drew the ire of the bomb-humping AMERICA FIRST crowd who were mad that someone would kneel before an American flag that was likely manufactured in China.

The Panama Papers unveiled how a firm called Mossack Fonseca set up an international Rube Goldberg machine of elaborate mechanisms and loopholes that the world’s richest people use to funnel hundreds of billions of dollars into tax havens to avoid funding government programs like “child care” and “things that help the poors survive.” And yet, they complain about tax plans that still leave them as multi-billionaires.

This decade brought the unfortunate losses of legends like David Bowie, Prince, Aretha Franklin, and Whitney Houston, but Ed Sheeran is here to carry the torch, even if he’s the musical equivalent of cold oatmeal.

A seat to Hamilton costs about half of the average American’s life savings account because it’s a live rendition of Schoolhouse Rock with rich kid rap battles.

British voters stunned the world by voting yes on Brexit, opting to leave the European Union after concluding, “there’s an upside to living in an attic.”

Donald Trump became president, despite personally insulting an entire country, an entire religion, Megyn Kelly’s menstrual cycles, taco bowls, a prisoner of war, and every conceivable demographic outside of thrice-divorced suburban dads collecting disability for high blood pressure. This shocking victory stunned DC insiders, whose extensive knowledge of politics covers everything from what Beltway politicos think to what Beltway journalists think.

Trump’s campaign was undeterred by the release of a 2005 video in which he talks about forcibly groping and kissing women, which according to him, he can get away with as long as you’re a star who uses Tic Tacs before moving on the US flag like a bitch. His supporters dismissed this scandal as the kind of “locker room talk” you would hear in a locker room with Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Roger Ailes, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, and Matt Lauer.

Hillary Clinton lost the election despite urging millennials to “Pokémon GO to the polls.” Although SLAY KWEEN GIFs surged in the Twitter-sphere, she couldn’t overcome unfathomably insurmountable obstacles like Barack Obama, James Comey, Bernie Sanders, racism, sexism, the Russians, Anthony Weiner, the DNC, the media, her incompetent campaign staff, the so-called “Electoral College,” and idiot voters. Ultimately, Hillary’s squeaky-clean campaign was plagued by a year-long email scandal, which was a total non-controversy if you ignore all the correspondence that confirms her campaign rigged the Democratic primary against a geriatric Bolshevist kook who floated radical ideas like not forcing cancer patients to sell their children into slavery to pay for their chemo.

Nearly an entire gender of people responded to the election results by marching around various cities wearing vagina hats, which were completely unrecognizable to millions of Americans due to abstinence-only sex-ed.

This momentum carried over to the #MeToo movement, with heartwrenching accounts of sexual abuse from millions of women flooding social media. After decades of feminist activism, this appeared to be a powerful reckoning of misogyny in our society. But the patriarchy remained skeptical. So HBO produced documentaries about R. Kelly and Michael Jackson, which brought our culture to a breaking point — now that there are two bingeable films about the horrors of sexual abuse, our society said, “TIME’S UP!” And yet, most wedding playlists still include “Billie Jean” and “Remix to Ignition.”

Political news since 2016 could be summarized as OMFG TRUMP AHHHH: the election; the Russians; the emails; the Mueller probe; Michael Flynn; Paul Manafort; Sean Spicer’s daily nervous breakdowns; a “beleaguered” Jeff Sessions; the James Comey papers; the Nunes memo; whether Stormy Daniels can confirm if Trump’s fupa jiggles like a Jell-O shot; Trump’s pillow talks with Sean Hannity; if Trump’s all-hamberder diet will give him scurvy; Anthony Scaramucci going full Goodfellas on a New Yorker reporter; Fire and Fury; how Mueller couldn’t find a way to prosecute Trump after Rudy Giuliani confessed to all of his crimes on Fox and Friends (a legal strategy known as “pleading guilty”); how Michael Cohen managed to get through law school despite not understanding the legal definition of bribery (or law in general); whether a Russian prostitute urinated on Trump because he didn’t know how to ask for apple juice in a sippy cup in Russian; Russian troll farms; Russian ambassadors; Russian nesting dolls. This was on a loop, day after soul-crushing day, for three years.

As we all know, democracy dies in darkness. So in a coordinated nationwide response to Trump’s semiliterate attacks on Jim Acosta and the failing New York Times, the mainstream media deployed sternly worded editorials, three-hour Rachel Maddow monologues, Stephen Colbert’s snark, and Jake Tapper’s RBF to #resist the president and restore some truthiness to a post-truth discourse. If every American received $100,000 for each time a Four Pinnochio rating stopped Trump from lying, they’d make zero progress toward paying off their student loan debt.

Meanwhile, Fox “News” is doing to boomers what they said video games, college, and hip-hop would do to millennials. While we’re on propaganda, the Arab Spring was the apex of social media bringing about positive political change, but Pizzagate and Cambridge Analytica have confirmed that Facebook and Twitter have created a human centipede between Fox “News,” Trump’s cyberbully pulpit, and your racist uncle who’s convinced every Taco Bell employee is secretly a member of MS-13.

During multiple congressional hearings, Mark Zuckerberg answered questions like, “What’s the difference between Instagram and spam filters?” from the Senate Committee of Aging Boomers Who Need Interns to Help them Connect to Wi-Fi. He did an adequate enough job of emulating human behavior until CNN cameras caught his lawyer rewiring some circuits after the crown of his head overheated.

Fyre Festival was billed at this ultra-chic Carbibbean Coachella, but it completely flopped when attendees arrived in the Bahamas and saw what could be described as a cross between a Lord of the Flies disaster relief site and a scam Frank Reynolds would pull in It’s Always Sunny.

SpaceX announced its plans to colonize Mars, which confirms that Elon Musk is Dr. Manhattan, except his only skill is tweeting his way into SEC lawsuits.

Amazon bought Whole Foods for $13.7 billion, or about the price of a pound of free-range chicken breasts at Whole Foods.

Bitcoin made people rich even though it’s digital Monopoly money.

Equifax admitted that hackers were able to breach their database, which exposed 143 million people to their spouse discovering their credit score. It was later discovered that their CEO graduated from Trump University.

As the FCC announced it would end net neutrality, sources reported that Ajit Pai was bashing puppies to death with his oversized coffee mug.

Trump, who finished second place in the popular vote, spent the first year of his presidency pushing the American Health Care Act, which hovered at 18% support, to replace a bill that has 55% support, while calling it “doing the job the people elected him to do.” After months of shooting themselves in the foot, it was evident the GOP’s attempt at repeal and replace was the legislative analog to Connor McGregor’s foray into boxing: Seemingly a good idea at first if you don’t understand anything about the industry, but once it was pummeled through each round, it was left to bleed until it was finally knocked out by the only guy who has more brain damage than Connor McGregor. (I’m referring to Floyd Maywether, Jr. you insensitive assholes.)

So the GOP pivoted to tax legislation, which was the culmination of Republican lawmakers committing bold and daring acts of vision and principle — like mudding the waters during the Mueller probe or building up the rationale for firing James Comey — just to get Trump’s signature of approval. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell looked at an economy with historically high levels of wealth concentration and corporate profits, and felt the urge, the patriotic duty to stand up for the forgotten Fortune 500 companies and bravely tell all those lavish and extravagant peasants that they have too many food stamps.

Trump announced the US will withdraw from the multi-nation nuclear deal with Iran because he doesn’t own any golf courses there.

Tensions have mounted as hate crimes increased in frequency and severity. The shooters involved in the Charleston black church, Quebec mosque, Pittsburgh synagogue, Christchurch mosque, and an El Paso Walmart all involved white men either citing right-wing pundits as inspiration or using right-wing talking points in their manifestos. “It’s all a troll,” said the identified right-wing pundits. This was evident in Charlottesville, when a race warrior memed his car into a group of people. In response to a group of Nazis storming an idyllic, postcard-perfect town wielding tiki-torches and chanting “JEWS WILL NOT REPLACE US,” Trump, in displaying the moral discernment of a tapeworm, said there were “some very fine people on both sides,” apparently a reference to the Nazi’s efforts in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

Twitter went bonkers over Kanye West visiting Trump Tower in 2017 and tweeting a selfie of him rocking a red MAGA hat a year after; somehow people were surprised that a guy who built his public persona on bird brain nonsense was actually the black Ted Nugent all along.

For about two years, Trump played nuclear footsie with Kim Jong-Un from the safe confines of his country club. The whole world went full tilt, wondering if the 2012 Mayan prediction was just several years too early. Humanity teetered on the brink of annihilation because an over-microwaved circus peanut declared he has a “much bigger & more powerful” nuclear button to a despot who looks like Zoidberg removed from his shell. Ignoring Jong-Un’s advice to never go full “dotard,” our Commander in Tweet declared he would unleash “fire and fury” on “rocket man,” then assured the rest of the world that he is a “very stable genius,” which is exactly how Jared Leto’s Joker described himself.

The Saudi government murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi and Trump responded swiftly and unilaterally by charging their officials $500 more a night for a room at his DC hotel.

After Hurricane Maria devastated Puerto Rico, Trump flew down to free-throw paper towels into crowds and to inform them that this inconvenient natural disaster has set the federal budget “out of whack.” These events have reinforced the perception that, in terms of managerial competence, Trump’s White House is basically Fuddruckers with nice carpeting.

Fidget Spinners caught on as a form of stress-release, and, in terms of mental stimulation, fidget-spinning makes using selfie sticks look like the final levels of Angry Birds. I guess its better than spending hours playing virtual horseback riding and collecting berries, or maybe I just don’t get Red Dead Redemption.

Theranos went up in flames after scientists pointed out that their blood-testing technology wasn’t, you know, scientific. Elizabeth Holmes somehow swindled venture capitalists despite having a personality that’s a cross between Kellyanne Conway and art house Kate McKinnon.

Pipe bombs were mailed to high-profile Democrats and Trump critics, and the perpetrator was revealed to be Cesar Sayoc, a crank who drove around in a van plastered with “Hillary for Prison” and “CNN: Fake News” decals broadcasting I UNIRONICALLY WATCH INFOWARS. Since he was a Florida man, nobody noticed.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shocked the political establishment by beating long-time Democratic Congressman Joe Crowley in the House District 14 primary. Beltway insiders were amazed that someone could win an election with a message and clear political goals. She later announced the Green New Deal would be a thing — hopefully sometime before the planet melts — and Nancy Pelosi and Dianne Feinstein immediately dismissed it as “unrealistic.” Well, of course: Why would fossils fuel a renewable energy bill through Congress?

After Jeff Bezos Call Me Maybe’d every major American city in a much-publicized nationwide search for HQ2, Amazon announced it will locate two new headquarters in NYC and DC in return for tax breaks, helipads, control of the Pentagon, and replacing the Statue of Liberty with a monument of Bezos bitch-slapping Trump with a rolled-up Washington Post newspaper.

In an effort to bring the number of technically alive judges on the Supreme Court to 2.5, Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the highest halls of justice despite numerous allegations of him treating his penis as if it’s a sewing machine needle. His hearing was long, arduous, nauseating, and embarrassing on many levels, but the upshot was a nationwide debate on the true meaning of “boofing” and how diligently you can mark your calendars until you’re suspected of eating babies for breakfast.

Brazilian voters elected Jair Bolsonaro — the Amazonian Come At Me, Bro — after concluding, “why cut off your nose to spite your face when you can torch the Amazon to trigger the libs?”

Nancy Pelosi did a sarcastic clap-back thing, and although it went viral, Trump is still president.

Game of Thrones stans complained for three months about the season finale and its underdeveloped plot, but what were they expecting from a softcore porn LARPing as a fantasy series?

Images of the conditions of migrant detention centers surfaced, and it was revealed that refugee children were caged and subsisted on breadcrumbs (thanks McKinsey!) and the hope that one day, they will become a citizen and sucker punch Tucker Carlson. AOC came under fire when she described them as “concentration camps,” because apparently that term should be strictly reserved for institutions that help students with ADHD. Please, the only difference between ICE and the Gestapo is one never deported 21 Savage.

Faced with hurricanes hitting the southern coasts with cascading intensity and frequency, Trump grew frustrated with how elaborate these Chinese hoaxes were getting. The president suggested that we nuke these swirling winds of chaos, and when reports leaked of this discussion, anonymous White House staffers neither confirmed nor denied that he was inspired by Sharknado.

For two years, Democratic voters hailed Robert Mueller in mythological tones, expecting him to emerge from the Mystery Machine and punt Trump out of the Oval Office. They were emotionally devastated when this silver-haired fox of integrity passed along the issue of obstruction to an Attorney General who’s basically a crypto-fascist Dwight Schrute. Mueller’s report ultimately concluded: “After an extensive, 18-month investigation and analysis, I can definitively ascertain that Bran was a terrible choice for king.”

The FBI uncovered a criminal conspiracy of rich parents bribing college admissions departments to accept their unbearably mediocre offspring. Some say the American Dream™ is dead, that there is no opportunity or social mobility, but it turns out being rich was the real Affirmative Action for decades.

WeWork, a company that creates offices with “grind hard” signs in courier font, was revealed to be a level of scam that reaches the heights of those Nigerian Prince emails. The company was valued at $47 billion because they convinced coffee-sipping urbanites to band together and turn their office spaces into hostels with kombucha taps and ping pong tables.

Greta Thunberg became an international sensation after organizing various climate strikes and excoriating do-nothing world leaders at the UN Climate Action Summit. The MAGA chuds spat venom her way, claiming that she’s not a climate scientist and that we should listen to the same climate scientists they’ve been ignoring for decades. Judging by the way right-wingers attacked her, you would think she survived the Parkland High School shooting.

Protests in Hong Kong have raged for six months now and their police haven’t killed a single person. Meanwhile, in America, cops will shoot someone for having a toy gun, so either Hong Kongers have found a way to riot without irritating law enforcement, or Chinese cops have terrible aim.

After the Chinese government threatened to give the NBA the Winnie the Pooh treatment, LeBron James delivered a press conference in which he told Xi Jinping that he would “shut up and dribble,” proving that no matter how many championships King James wins, he will still faceplant in pressure-filled moments.

Three years and three prime ministers later, Brexit has become the opposite of an Irish goodbye. So they elected Boris Johnson, who won their most recent election on a promise of, “if you vote Tory, you’ll never have to talk about Brexit again. Instead, you can spend your brunches discussing how I look like Trump if he was run through a carpet cleaner.”

Well, the world is dark and scary and it’s important to unplug from the internet and be hysterically depressed about something else. In times like these, we need to heed the message of Logan Paul, who was brave enough to venture into Japan’s Suicide Forest rocking a Toy Story hat and Gucci jacket to read a hollow and contrived speech about how suicide is not the answer. Plus, if you want to watch the world burn, all it takes is a trip to Southern California with nothing but a lighter and a handful of twigs.

(Also, Epstein didn’t kill himself.)