Trump to Put General Petraeus in Charge of Handling Classified Information

Donald Trump today announced that he had appointed General Petraeus to a special post in his new administration as the Classified Material Security Adviser.

"Because General Patreus is an expert at mishandling classified information, we're very sure that he can tell us how to do the opposite of what he did, and our classified information will be safe," Trump told four tourists who had visited the Trump Tower lobby early this morning. Trump wore a terrycloth bathrobe embroidered with his initials in gold.

Experts applauded the decision. "They're going to need someone to focus on classified material," said Professor Peter Gumwald of the University of Tahiti. "Because everyone and his brother are going to have top secret clearances. Literally."

Paula Broadwell will be hired on as General Petraus's aide.