The Slice That Stole Christmas

Cast

Tiger Woods as himself

Michelle Wie as herself

Phil Mickelson as Santa Claus

John Daly as Rudolph

Fred Couples as Little Freddie Couples

Greg Norman as himself

B.J. Wie as himself

With Tim Finchem as The Nike Executive

Act One

Scene: Tiger Woods and Michelle Wie are hitting golf balls into the ocean off of Tiger’s private yacht.

Tiger: Good one, Michelle, you’ll be better than me in no time.

Michelle: Oh Tiger, stop teasing. I’m better than you now.

(Both laugh and then are startled by a noise. It’s Santa Claus and his sleigh, they crashed!)

Michelle: Oh no, it’s Santa!

Santa: Um, ho, ho?

Tiger: Santa, what happened?

Santa: Rudolph’s hammered, Tiger. I need help delivering all these presents!

Tiger: Can we help?

Santa: Well you can Tiger, but not Michelle, she’s a girl

Michelle: Hey, that’s sexist! I can do anything a boy can do. Ha-rrumph!

Rudolph: Nice harrumph, baby.

Santa: Stifle it Rudolph. Ok you two, you need to use your awesome golfing skills to hit these presents down chimneys for the boys and girls of the world. Tiger, you go first, here’s a toy truck for little Freddie Couples of Seattle, Washington.

Tiger: Sure thing, Santa!

(Tiger tees up the truck and gives a powerful swing. The truck flies out of sight, finally entering the chimney and settling perfectly underneath the Christmas tree at the Couples’ home.

Santa: Great shot Tiger, we may just save Christmas yet!

Tiger and Michelle: Yay!

(Rudolph belches, passes out.)

Santa: Now you Michelle! Here are some stiletto heels for little Sophie Sandolo in Rome.

(Michelle tees up the heels and then takes a mighty swing)

Michelle: Oopsie!

(The Heels slice right, ending up in Australia, where they hit Greg Norman)

Greg Norman: Crikey!

Michelle: I can do better, I learned from that.

Tiger: C’mon Michelle, you can do it!

(Santa gives Michelle another gift, and she again misses the target. And then again. And again, missing worse with each successive shot.)

Santa: Maybe we should just let Tiger do this, Hun.

Michelle: No! I can do it. I’m learning a lot trying to save Christmas. I’m almost there!

Santa: I just don’t think so …

(Suddenly a Nike executive and B.J. Wie repel onto the yacht from a helicopter. The Nike executive grabs Santa and shoves a gun in his mouth.)

Nike Executive: Listen fat ass, Michelle’s going to keep trying, or say good bye to that new factory we’re building for you in Shanghai!

(The Nike executive knees Santa in the groin then pistol whips him. Then glares at Tiger.)

Tiger: Hey, man, I didn’t see anything. I love Nike.

B.J. Wie: You just keep hitting those toys, Michelle.

Michelle: Yay! Girl Power!

Can Michelle Wie save Christmas? After this quick commercial break, we’ll return with the exciting conclusion of “The Slice that Stole Christmas!”

–WKW