The Mumbai Mirror is my poop-paper, closely followed by the Bombay Times. Not that the news in the Mumbai Mirror is any less enriching than say, the Economic Times. But there’s just something about that little tabloid-sized baby that makes it the perfect companion for any bathroom activity. Having said that, there’s one thing in the Mumbai Mirror that is pretty frickin’ awesome – and that is the ‘Ask the Sexpert’ column by Dr. Mahinder Watsa.

‘Ask the Sexpert’ is the mother of all advice columns, mainly because of 88-year old Dr. Watsa’s sharp wit and fetching analogies that can make even the likes of Dr. Phil crawl back to the Bible Belt. Dr. Watsa is the bee’s knees, a badass literary vigilante who isn’t afraid to distinguish the flaccidity from the firm, the mildly-disturbed from the candidates for ‘strait-jacket city’.

In a country that wants to cover up lingerie-sporting mannequins for being too ‘naughty’ and inciting advances of a sexual nature from unsuspecting, ‘innocent’ Indian gentlemen, Dr. Watsa’s unabashed responses to the closeted sexual dysfunctions of our populace are refreshing and upfront. He puns like a boss, is sufficiently sarcastic (because how could you not be, when someone says their astrologer advised them to yank on the one-eyed snake while reciting a shloka to increase its size) and draws parallels between the situation in question, and the most unassuming things. Mahinder Watsa is just what the doctor ordered, not just to deal with some pretty inane ‘sexy-time’ queries, but also to give us some much needed light-heartedness when talking about that-three-letter-word-that-must-not-be-named. Let’s take a look at ten of his most badass replies.

1. Juhu-Chaat Enthusiast

2. Pump Up the Jam

3. The ‘Tunak-Tunak’

4. Tu Meri Hai Pepsi-Cola, Main Tera Hoon Coca-Cola

5. Cirque Du Soleil

6. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

7. I’m Up All Night to Get Lucky

8. iCame, iSaw, iPilled (Myself)

9. I’m A Little Tripod, Short & Stout

10. Maybe It’s Maybelline

Take a bow Dr. Watsa, because you are awesome. Here’s to many more years of ‘punny’ replies. Have you come across a winning response from Dr. Watsa in his ‘Ask the Sexpert’ column that you didn’t find here? Share it with us in comments below.