Another study came out this week highlighting the fact that the majority of an NFL game is not an NFL game at all: it’s just ads and people standing around.

Vox Media watched the Bengals-Patriots game on October 6th and found that only during 8.3 percent of the broadcast was any actual football.

(via Vox Media)

This was just from one single game. A game the Patriots won 43–17. Presumably, had the Bengals bothered to participate in the contest, actual Gameplay would have doubled to 16.6 percent. That’s just math.

Either way, football is mostly not football. There’s no way around that fact. And the clear implication here by the smart-panted folks at Vox is that we’re all dummies for lapping up a “sport” that contains almost no action. Well, I laugh in their egg-shaped faces. Because true football fans know the 91.7 percent not-football in broadcasts is just as entertaining — and often more entertaining — than the 8.3 percent that’s football.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Players Standing Around Between Plays — 35.5 percent

First off, this is yet another vague and misleading number from the “scientists.” A quick glance at the scoreboard proves that the defenses for the Buccaneers and Jaguars stand around during plays. Would that be included in this 35.5 percent, or would it be part of the 8.3? We don’t know.

Plus, standing around is what sports fans want. Baseball, America’s original pastime, features “action” during just 10.9% of its games. The NFL shaved another two percent off, and blew baseball out of the water.

Not convinced that Americans want nothing to happen? Hockey is almost non-stop action and see what the good people of Florida think of it:

Less action > More action. This is incontrovertible.

Someone should invent a sport that is just people wearing uniforms while taking naps. It would put the NFL out of business.

Commercials — 24.5 percent

Know where commercials don’t take up more than a quarter of their football broadcasts? Communist China, that’s where. Because they hate capitalism and they hate America.

Every time an ad runs during an NFL game, freedom wins. And freedom wins A LOT. Like, after every score and then again after every kickoff and then sometimes right away again for reasons I don’t quite understand. Either way … FREEDOM FTW!

Let’s also not forget that many commercials feature NFL players, which should probably count as football-like action. Peyton Manning is wearing his jersey in many of those Papa John’s spots. Basically, football.

Ads feature retired NFL players, too. If you don’t want to see Brett Favre trim his nose hair, stop pretending you liked the NFL in the first place, you America-hating fraud.

Replays — 10.7 percent

Call me crazy, but it seems disingenuous to say that replays aren’t action — they’re showing action, just verrrrry slowly. For many people, replays are the first time they see the action, too, since they may have dosed off during one of the people-standing-around portions of the game.

Replays also let us listen to broadcasters make fools of themselves by confidently stating that the play will CLEARLY be overturned on review becau- … “THE PLAY STANDS AS CALLED.”

Broadcasters sounding stupid is often the only entertainment a particularly lopsided game provides. Don’t complain about replays. Cherish them.

Gameplay — 8.3 percent

Wooooo! Yeah! I’d write more about how awesome Gameplay can be, but I think it’s fitting for this section of the article to not take up more than 8.3 percent of the entire piece.

Coach Shots — 4.9 percent

This is the NFL we’re talking about. If it was college football, “coach shots” would likely be a reference to Dana Holgorsen getting hammered on the sidelines. And the 4.9 percent would be changed to 40-proof.

NFL coach shots are everything. Why watch a 49ers game if there’s no Jim Harbaugh freaking out after every play? Why watch a Calvin Johnson-less Lions team if not to see if Jim Caldwell will ever make a human expression? Why watch a Bills game? But if you do, you have to be watching to see if anyone will punch Jim Schwartz in his stupid face, no?

And, of course, Pete friggin’ Carroll.

Coach shots are awesome. Coach shots are everything. Coach shots teach America’s youth profanities. The RedZone Channel should have a spinoff called Coaches’ Struggle Face Channel.

Referee Shots — 3.2 percent

Booooooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You’ve never really booed until you’ve booed someone who can’t hear you from the comfort of your own home.

Referee shots are also vital to the health of Best Buy. Take referees off the air and Americans wouldn’t breaking nearly as many flat-screen TVs.

Refs: Good for the economy. Good for America.

Halftime — 3.2 percent

Without halftime, how would we hear experts and analysts completely contradict everything they said would happen in the game just hours before? That’s entertainment. (See, e.g., in-game broadcasters getting every replay review wrong.)

Halftime also provides NBC analyst Hines Ward with one question every Sunday night from Bob Costas. We lose halftime, we lose Hines Ward’s one question. No one wants that.

Sideline Player Shots — 2.2 percent

Sideline Player Shots give us Jay Cutler not caring. The NFL would be exponentially more entertaining if they cut the Gameplay by three-quarters and quadrupled Sideline Player Shots.

On-Screen Promotions — 2 percent

It’s the only way to find out what shows are airing on CBS, America’s most-watched network. Actually, I should be more specific. It’s the only way to find out what new spin-offs of CSI and NCIS are being rolled out this fall.

Other — 5.5 percent

Pretty vague again, Vox nerds. “Other” leads a lot open to interpretation. I’ll assume Other includes:

gratuitous cheerleader cleavage shots

sideline reporters telling us that the player we just saw get injured got injured and that there is not other information currently available

shots of team owners in luxury boxes awkwardly high-fiving people they pay to be their friends

discussion of quarterback ELITEness

broadcasters reading memos given to them by Roger Goodell about how great the NFL is doing with concussions and domestic violence

shots of attractive female fans and fans in stupid costumes

gratuitous cheerleader crotch and butt shots

The last bit of Other is likely from when Cris Collinsworth says something so stupid that Earth briefly stops spinning and time stops.