One Saturday night as I put on and took off the fourth outfit, I peered closely at the mirror and lamented, “I can’t believe I forgot to get my eyebrows waxed before this party!” Prof’s response?

“They’re not looking at your eyebrows, honey.”

Prof’s humorous and all-too-true statement distills a vital concept of swinghood into an easy-to-remember quip. Although proper hygiene, grooming and attention to aesthetics are important in the lifestyle, potential friends and lovers are not seeking a perfect cardboard cut out of you. They are seeking a living, breathing, interesting and passionate person to meet and get to know.

It is all too easy to get caught up in the idea that if we dress in the sexiest outfit, showing just the right amount of cleavage, wearing the hottest shade of polish on our toes, we can avoid experiencing rejection. The idea that hyper-attention to detail steels us against the possibility of hearing “no, thank you” after we risk a proposition tends to send at least me into obsessing over stray eyebrow hairs. It then takes Prof to remind me that once we reach the party the last thing I’m thinking about while meeting new hotties is my eyebrows.

When we are meeting new friends and potentials lovers, people are first attracted by lots of different things…stunning hair, an adorable laugh, gorgeous eyes, a bright smile, hot cleavage, witty conversation. But what attracts individuals to one another varies vastly from person to person. Two people may look at the same person and one may be attracted by his open body language and the other may be attracted by his unique smile. We can never anticipate what it is about us that will make us irresistible to another.

Attraction is mysterious, unique, amorphous and unpredictable and that is the beauty of it. This is the reality contained in Prof’s reminder: “They’re not looking at your eyebrows, honey.” No, they’re not. They are looking and everything and nothing all at once. Obviously putting your best foot forward when heading out to a party or date makes sense, but not necessarily because what another hottie may see will turn them into putty in your hands, but because how you prepare and present yourself gives you the confidence to be yourself in all your unique glory.

Often I hear friends talk about lovers saying, “Well, when we met I noticed she had lovely eyes/amazing legs/beautiful breasts, et cetera, and as we got to know each other I learned she’s just awesome/fun/smart/sweet. I love to spend time with her.” We all have characteristics that we are proud of, that when we play them up or accent them, it makes us feel sexy and sense our erotic energy. Paying attention to what makes us feel hot while we get ready to go out puts us in the right mindset to have fun and be a bit seductive. But obsessing about minute details, like eyebrows…or how a necklace falls over your cleavage…or just how short the skirt is or isn’t, is completely missing the point. (Can you tell I’ve fallen prey to each of those scenarios?)

Remember this lifestyle is about living it up, having fun, enjoying and supporting your partner(s) and sharing your hotness with the world. So to combat this trying-to-look-like-a-cardboard-cutout syndrome, I offer you Prof’s words of wisdom. As you are primping with your partner(s) on the way out the door to a date or party, remind them: “They’re not looking at your eyebrows, honey.”