The singer claims it would take three years to complete the itinerary in her new song London Boy. We try it in under 24 hours

The world’s her Oyster (card): can you pack Taylor Swift’s capital tour into a day?

“I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent,” trills Taylor Swift on London Boy, taken from her new album, Lover. “So I guess all the rumours are true / You know I love a London boy / Boy I fancy you.” The rest of the lyrics take the pop star on a rose-tinted, whistlestop, Oyster-capped tour of the Big Smoke. So, with this song in my ears, and my dimples and accent, can I complete her jam-packed itinerary? Off I go on a tour of Taylor’s London, lyric by lyric, to find out.

13:15 ‘We can go driving in, on my scooter’

I haven’t got a scooter and my bike’s got a flat, so I hop on the bus. What did Margaret Thatcher say about people and public transport?

Streatham (home) to Brixton; bus; 9 stops; 1.6 miles

13:53 ‘I enjoy walking Camden Market in the afternoon’

Camden Market is full of slightly scary men trying to sell you CDs, things with hemp leaves on and suspiciously cheap headphones. They don’t do Taylor Swift T-shirts. They don’t even sell “My Friend Went To London And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” T-shirts. Rubbish.

Brixton to Camden Town; tube; 10 stops; 6.1 miles

14:28 ‘Took me back to Highgate / Met all of his best mates’

Highgate tube has an extraordinarily long escalator. But what’s there to do? It’s just some trees and a car park. Boring.

Camden Town to Highgate; tube; 4 stops; 3 miles

14:56 ‘And now I love high tea / Stories from uni / And the West End’

There’s a Mexican, Italian, Chinese, TGI Friday, Burger King, McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and a Wagamama, but no high tea today. The Ritz won’t let me in for looking too scruffy. Fortnum & Mason costs a whopping £60, so I scoff tea and scones for £5.75 at John Lewis instead. Yum.

Highgate to Oxford Circus; tube; 7 stops; 4.8 miles

15:58 ‘You can find me in the pub / We are watching rugby with his school friends’

Leicester Square’s Carlsberg Sports Bar is showing Leighton Town v Thame United and some baseball, but no rugby. I’ll have to imagine Taylor and her pals ordering £5.95 pints of Peroni while watching Wales beat England 13-6.

Oxford Street to Leicester Square; walk; 0.8 miles

16:32 ‘Show me a grey sky / A rainy cab ride’

No grey skies today. Disappointing.

Leicester Square to Oxford Circus; black cab; £6; 0.7 miles

17:29 ‘I enjoy nights in Brixton / Shoreditch in the afternoon’

Shoreditch via Brixton? Should have listened to Journey Planner. At least I get to look out of an Overground train window.

Oxford Circus to Shoreditch via Brixton; tube/train; 21 stops; 9.3 miles

18:03 ‘... Took me back to Highgate’

Hang on. We’ve just been here. Next!

Shoreditch to Highgate; walk/tube; 8 stops; 5.1 miles

18:52 ‘So please show me Hackney’

Done!

Highgate to Hackney Central; bus/walk/train; 19 stops; 5 miles

19:41 ‘Doesn’t have to be Louis V up on Bond Street’

£5,000 for a handbag? No thanks. It’s also NEW Bond Street. Get your directions right, Swift.

Hackney Central to New Bond Street; train/bus/walk; 7 stops; 3.1 miles

20:52 ‘Like a Tennessee Stella McCartney on the Heath’

Doesn’t Liam Gallagher live around here?

New Bond Street to Hampstead Heath; bus; 23 stops; 3.5 miles

21:40 ‘I enjoy walking Soho / Drinking in the afternoon’

A quick pint in The Ship in honour of Born Slippy by Underworld. Lager, lager …

Hampstead Heath to Wardour Street; bus/walk; 24 stops; 3.4 miles

22:25 ‘... Took me back to Highgate’ (again)

Not the giant escalator again!

Wardour Street to Highgate; walk/tube; 9 stops; 4.5 miles

22:55 ‘Show me Hackney’ (again)

Samey.

Highgate to Hackney Central; bus/walk/train; 19 stops; 4.9 miles

23:15 ‘... up on Bond Street’ (again)

Still overpriced; thankfully closed now.

Hackney Central to New Bond Street; train/bus/walk; 7 stops, 3.1 miles

23:55 ‘... on the Heath’ (again)

It’s dark on the Heath. Thanks, Taylor!

New Bond Street to Hampstead Heath; bus; 23 stops; 3.5 miles

00:55 End of song

One black cab, one Uber, eight buses, five trains, six tubes, 62.9 miles and 169 stops and I’m home, just in time to read that Taylor has said that she never meant for us to do it in a day. “Oh no, you’d never make it. You’d make it in three years!’” she says. Proved you wrong there, Ms Swift ... but maybe there are no real winners.

Hampstead Heath to Streatham; Uber; £32; 9.8 miles