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So, right now some young dude is out there thinking this is the story of a young girl who won life's genetic lottery. "Isn't this the equivalent of a boy hitting puberty and realizing he has a 12-inch dong?" Uh, no. A funny thing happens when your bones are literally still forming and you've got giant boulders hanging from your neck: My spine is permanently hooked at the top. This is me standing up as straight as I comfortably can:

Meeeeeeeeee

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Moms of every kind look on in disapproval. When I was in nursing-assistant training, my supervisor was constantly yelling at me to stand up straight, and I wanted to scream, "LOOK, LADY, I WILL STAND AS STRAIGHT AS YOU WANT IF YOU HAND ME SOME OF THAT PERCOCET OVER THERE," but you don't wanna launch into your whole medical history, and also yelling about lifting pain meds in a hospital is probably a bad idea. But standing straighter doesn't actually straighten my spine -- it just forces my rib cage forward, causing my shoulders to turn into blades of pain after just a few minutes, which doesn't feel nearly as awesome as it sounds.

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Even after trading the boulders for more manageable snowballs, I'm still suffering. My neck, shoulders, and upper back are in pretty much constant pain. It's just something you get used to. I'm in my 20s, but I feel like an old lady the way I need no fewer than 27 pillows to lounge comfortably on the couch and creak when I stand up. My default position working at my laptop is hunched over like Mr. Burns, and I give it 20 years before I'm typing with my nose, but hopefully by then I'll be able to afford regular massages.