MILWAUKEE—Unable to hold back a smile as he reflected on the joyful, more innocent period of his life, local voter Gary Michaels, 47, took several moments Monday to look back nostalgically at a time when he was uninformed about the 2016 presidential candidates, sources confirmed. “That was a simpler time, a better time, back when I didn’t know the first thing about the nominees’ beliefs or personal histories,” said Michaels, slowly shaking his head in wistful recollection before adding that he had been a much more cheerful and carefree individual in those bygone days before he had heard any soundbites about private email servers, Muslim bans, leaked Wall Street speeches, or Alicia Machado. “I really had no idea how lucky I was. Boy, I’d do just about anything to go back to that time when I couldn’t even tell you what these people stood for, let alone who they may have taken money from or sexually assaulted. But you can’t go back. You just can’t.” At press time, a misty-eyed Michaels was seen encouraging family members under the age of 18 to truly savor those precious years before they could vote, reminding them that it’s the most wonderful time of their lives.

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