Hey, you fucks! Did you miss us? Well, we decided to work in a date night, and being that we are uber romantics we figured “You’re Next” would be a great choice!

Unfortunately, neither of us was drinking for this little endeavour – due in part to me having to take some antibiotics for an awesome abscess in my face, but.. we still came, saw, and had lots of stuff to say about the flick.

First of all, I went into You’re Next thinking it would something of a rehash of The Strangers, which I loved don’t get me wrong at all, but I really get my hackles up when someone makes a legit flick and then the first fucker to the scene basically redoes it but somehow makes it really shitty and makes you feel bad for watching it.

You’re Next starts off inocuously enough with a family being brought together at their rich ass WASP parent’s mansion house fixer upper (which looks suspiciously like the inside of our house, so I will have to check and make sure no perverts are living in the closet before I go to sleep tonight) for a nice and horrible family dinner.

Dad in the family is apparently retired, rich as fuck, and has somehow spawned the goofiest bunch of children the world has ever seen. You know that “family of WASPS” bit from Family Guy? Yeah, entirely applicable.

Dinner starts up and pretty soon the family is under siege from a trio of white masked wearing psychos wielding cross bows. Bummer for the psychos though, because they didn’t realize that the fat brother’s girlfriend is basically Henry Rollins’ character from Wrong Turn 2 except she looks better in skinny jeans and has a Austrailian accent. She pretty well takes charge and is setting booby traps Home Alone style, while everyone else is rolling around on the ground howling.

Actually there’s definitely like a ten minute scene where the whole family, or whatever is left of them, rolls around on the ground howling covered in blood… It was something like some weird Satanic ritual except everyone was wearing Abercrombie and Fitch, so that was neat. However, Captain Badass girlfriend basically owns the show and is handing out weapons and dispensing with survival techniques for the whole family.

After a few failed escape attempts involving the front door and a length of wire strung at precisely neck height the family pretty well realizes they are in so many words fucked and try to stage a battle plan. The plot movies quickly and the dialogue is fabulous – oweing apparently to “mumblecore”, that focuses on less of a script in order for the exchanges to appear more natural and I must say it really did work. A lot of horror movies are very finely toned which can be awesome, but a lot of the dialogue can sound like it was thought over and thought over and edited and then reedited.. That said though, in the Strangers flick I talked about earlier, the lead female asks “Why are you doing this?!” to her captors and they answer, “Because you were home.” Solid fucking gold.



You know what else is solid gold? The creepy white animal masks that the trio wears to hide their faces during the attack – I would adore very intensely to own the white fox mask as I would wear it to creep around in the dark, or you know I could pull a Paranormal Activity and put it on and stand over the bed creepily swaying for a few hours each night. I feel this would benefit me immensely. Anyways, enough about my mask wearing murderous fantasies and back to You’re Next!

The movie has some cheese, and it works for it – the badass girlfriend is pretty over the top, and there’s definitely a few moments that were pretty unbelievable but again I feel it worked. I was able to suspend my disbelief for long enough to enjoy it all. The kills are really good, nice and gorey, especially toward the end as the numbers become fewer. Let’s just say there was a head and a blender and I’ll have one brain smoothie with a side of acai and some wheatgrass please.

Anyways, the movie had some twists that even I didn’t see coming and it made for an okay matinee. I really think that anyone with even the slightest curiousity about this flick should vote with their money and go see it – it really was fairly refreshing in comparison to the trailer for Insidious Chapter 2 that preceded the flick that made me instantly angry. I’ve actually gotten to the point where if I see Patrick Wilson I just want to kill people and eat their faces. Where’s my Bath Salts? GO SEE YOU’RE NEXT. I COMMAND IT.

-Robin Goodfellow

First off, I’d like to say that I can stand with the majority (rare right?) on this film and say that I truly enjoyed it. I found it to be an effective home invasion story with plenty of twists and turns that kept me uneasy and on the edge of my seat, trying to guess where the plot would go next. Speaking of uneasy, the score was great, punching you in the gut and hitting you upside the head at just the right moments. I felt the actors portraying the besieged family did a fine job portraying a nest of WASPs that you just want to see take an axe to to stop the sideways remarks and snide commentary on people they felt were below them and each others life choices. This movie surprised me though, as my desire to see some WASP face bashing quickly flipped as though as the movie twisted into the unexpected and surprised me quite a few times, right up until the end. On the subject of fine players in this film, it was great to see Barbara Crampton back in front of the camera as the mother of the family. I would also like to say, as a cougar hunter-esque side note, that she really hasn’t aged a day and looks amazing in this movie. Here’s hoping the rumors I’ve heard are true and she will be coming back to the genre after whetting her appetite on this film.



I didn’t realize going in that Ti West (Director of House of the Devil) had a starring role in this movie. To be honest, I wasn’t even aware that he was an actor. Is it just me who’s getting shades of Eli Roth here as he portrays a douche-bag so well that you start to think that this might not be far off from his true self? Or maybe that’s my love of taking cheap shots at Mr. Roth whenever I can rising again. Yeah, it’s probably that one. The lamb, tiger and wolf masks that the assailants wear though out most of the movie were definitely disturbing, especially once the action really started and they became gore splattered and dirty. I especially found the lamb mask to be the most unsettling, probably due to the implied innocence of the lamb in our culture (what with all those pesky Christians and there lamb of god, Bible nonsense). During the third act I honestly felt like i was having flashbacks of playing Hotline Miami though, with the high energy electronic music, freaky animal masks and gory kills achieved with whatever happens to be lying within reach at the moment of attack. Not sure if the similarity was more than coincidental, but I enjoyed it none the less (just like Hotline Miami). Overall, I really liked it, though I do wish I had been able to experience it in a theater that had more than 5 people in it just to get the full “crowd” effect of some of the more brutal kills. Go check this out before it’s out of theaters for sure and hopefully the box office numbers will be good enough to merit many more original projects form these filmmakers.

Additional note: I had one of my major rules reinforced here again tonight, that rule being that YOU DON”T FUCK WITH ANYTHING FROM AUSTRALIA! That includes animals, plants but, perhaps more than anything else,the women. They’ll fuck you up!

-Scotty Floronic