I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night than having your team give you a mild panic attack with a subpar performance against the doormat of the Pac-12. I self-prescribed cheap beer and greasy bar food to alleviate the symptoms. I expect all USC fans had a similar experience during last week’s game. While the Trojans pulled out the victory, it was nothing to write home about. Which is why I’m writing to the whole internet.

We now enter the most important part of the season. The next two games will determine if we have a chance at the Pac-12 title or if we will be receiving a participation trophy along with a plane ticket to Phoenix for the Terrible Sponsor Who Gives A Sh*t Bowl. This week we head to the Pacific Northwest to play the Oregon Ducks. I’ll make sure to have plenty of Wisequacks in this blog.

Recap

The Good

The only real positive from this game is that we won. Since we are no longer in the running for the College Football Playoff and we don’t need style points, that is the only thing that matters.

USC hasn't overcome a double-digit halftime deficit since 2005 when Matt Leinart & Reggie Bush were with team. pic.twitter.com/oPsmHMJl4y — ESPN CollegeFootball (@ESPNCFB) November 14, 2015

At least this team is in good company. USC overcame its first double-digit loss in over a decade, which means either this team is resilient or the Trojans haven’t been down that much at half in over 14 years. For the last two games, USC has started out flat like year-old soda in your grandparent’s refrigerator. That Star Wars themed can you thought was for this December’s new release is actually from those sh*tty prequels.

Key stat: #USC limited Colorado to 8 net rushing yards in the second half. — Michael Lev (@MichaelJLev) November 14, 2015

Is Clay Helton the best second half coach of all time? The guy must channel his inner Coach Taylor and give a hell of a halftime speech. Now, all USC needs is a good first half coach. Scratch that, let’s just get one that can coach all four quarters.

JuJu and his robotic, I mean broken, hand had another fantastic game with three catches for 66 yards and one touchdown.

Adoree’ had a blocked field goal to save the game. In actuality, the field goal was blocked by Delvin Simmons but since he’s not as popular or well known, all credit goes to Jackson. Adoree’ also had a fair catch in this game, the first since he was a junior in high school. I wish I was making that up.

#USC had 6 sacks tonight. Their most since last week, when they had 6 vs. Arizona. — Reign of Troy (@ReignofTroy) November 14, 2015

Now some people will look at last week’s dominant defensive performance and assume it was due to Colorado’s starting quarterback being knocked out in the first quarter. Those people have very sound and logical reasoning. But the delusional fan writing this blog will say that this defense is one of the best in the Pac-12. Don’t worry, no praise will be given to Justin Wilcox as he slowly packs up his office week by week so that the walk out of Heritage Hall after being fired is a quick exit.

You mad bro? You think Colorado fans will be a lot mellower. You know, because of the weed.

In non-game related news, Ronald Jones II decided this Wednesday that he prefers the nickname “RoJo” so we can go ahead and bury the “Texas Tesla” nickname right next to all our “BE7IEVE” hashtags and that “Bowls Are for Salads” shirt we naively bought during the Kiffin era.

The Bad

Have you ever talked to a person from a cold weather city and listened to them complain about how they had to wait 5 minutes for the windows to defrost before they could drive? That was USC during the first half. USC played like a freshman who mistakes the time of his final and realizes it’s actually a day early. Laid back until you realize how screwed you are and you have to scramble to study so you can salvage a C in the class. This is the second straight week USC has come out slow. If there is a third time this season it will not be the charm.

Cam Smith (torn ACL) and Lamar Dawson (shoulder) both suffered season-ending injuries vs. Colorado. #USC — Adam Maya (@AdamJMaya) November 15, 2015

This injury bug has full on Black Plague proportions. The training staff should start quarantining the injured players so no one else can get infected. I’m actually starting to feel some carpal tunnel coming on.

Here is the list of USC starters expected to miss Saturday’s game: Cameron Smith, Lamar Dawson, Leon McQuay, Marvell Tell, Toa Lobendahn, Issac Whitney, Max Tuerk and of course the man replacing Samuel L Jackson’s role as Mr. Glass in the upcoming “Unbreakable” reboot, Tre Madden.

Helton said OG Viane Talamaivao suffered a torn meniscus on the 4th play vs. Colorado. He played the rest of the game. — Michael Lev (@MichaelJLev) November 18, 2015

Who said you need two knees to block 300-pound defensive linemen? Everyone knows the cure for any torn meniscus is rubbing some dirt on it.

Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

I'm out, goodnight from Drew & Carson pic.twitter.com/Ix51P0uxtv — CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 16, 2015

This is how I felt after watching Stanford, Utah and UCLA all lose on Saturday. Last week may have eliminated the Pac-12 from the College Football Playoff but who cares? We weren’t going so no one else should.

We now control our own destiny. If we win out, we win the Pac-12 South and go to the title game at Levi Stadium. . If we lose, there are still several scenarios in which we could win our division, all of which involve beating UCLA, upping the stakes to the Cross Town rivalry game and ensuring it’s not at 7:30 PM on the Pac 12 Network. Shout out to the maniac who put this chart together. Also seek help. No one should have that much free time on their hands (said the amateur USC football blogger).

Game Preview

Team: Oregon Ducks

Not many people know this, but the “O” on Oregon’s helmet stands for number of National Championships. Oregon is probably one of the most overrated football programs in America. They are heralded as a top program but with none of the accolades. The only Duck Dynasty is on A&E.

Any time they have a good year, you can count on them blowing it in the end. The Oregon Trail is what I call the Ducks playing in a championship game. With all the wasted opportunities during the years I’m surprised they haven’t checked to see if Gordon Bombay is still in his court mandated community service so that he can take over the team.

This year we finally saw the wheels fall off their wagon. Chip Kelly is gone and that revolutionary offense of his is proving to be more of a gimmick than the Ducks’ jerseys as it leads the Eagles to a mediocre finish with Mark Sanchez at the helm. You couldn’t find a defense if you had Sacajawea’s help. There is a strong chance you end up dying of dysentery in El Paso this year.

Location: Eugene

The best contribution the state of Oregon has made to society is that it serves as a buffer between California and Washington. Oregon is a state comprised mostly of kids who didn’t fit in growing up who invented the culture “hipster” to feel more comfortable the fact that they have 0 redeeming qualities. The state wouldn’t be so bad if the weather was as fair as their fans.

“How about wonderful people, mostly white, that drink lots of beer and wine. Don’t screw with Oregon” – Colin Cowherd

Good job, you have a racist, garbage human that likes your state.

Fans:

At least their fans aren’t stupid enough to make high risk bets on the Ducks.

Nevermind.

Oregon fans are the antithesis of USC fans. They wear the colors they are told to wear to the stadium, they are on time to games, and they cheer. Losers.

The downside aside from losing every significant game you’ve ever played in is with the team changing jerseys every week, the cost of game day apparel must force fans to take out a second student loan.

Mascot:

They named their mascot Puddles after the amount of tears their fans have after they choke away every major bowl game. The mascot does pushups for every point they have every time they score. Assuming the pecs of the guy behind the mask have begun to atrophy in the post Mariota era.

Jerseys:

Oregon is basically the “Instagram model” of college football. Their uniforms are flashy and get a lot of attention but there isn’t much beyond that. If you take away the filters and the Photoshop, you soon realize there’s are just a glorified version of Washington State with a much lamer head coach.

The Offense:

Here's a look at Vernon Adam's interlocking SC tattoo. Says it stands for southern California not #USC. pic.twitter.com/qAqne6Pcmd — Kristen Rodgers (@KristenERodgers) November 17, 2015

Looks like USC already bought some real estate in Vernon Adam’s head (or on his body) this week. Vernon can keep up the story that his tattoo represents Southern California but if that were really true why didn’t he go with “LA” or his home town of Pasadena? My guess is that Vernon got this tattoo his senior year of high school with the dream of getting recruited by the Trojans but when no scouts (from any school) came he made up this story while signing his letter of intent to Eastern Washington. At least it’s not permanent.

Defense:

LOL

What’s the Line? (+4.5):

Current Record: (2-8)

Well, I’m back to my old ways of terrible picks against the spread. This week’s line started off at -1.5 but has been rising throughout the week. This makes me worried because Vegas is usually spot on with these kind of things, unless they are giving USC more than ten points to a division opponent. Be a homer and take USC.

Prediction

Unless we can patch together the pieces of all of our injured players to form a couple linebackers and linemen, this is going to be a tight game. If USC comes out slow like they did the last two weeks, the game will be over at half and there won’t be any comeback. I hope Helton and Wilcox have a few tricks up their sleeves because we are going to need them. I’m going with my heart instead of my brain on this one and picking the Trojans to upset the Ducks and continue the winning streak.

Quack, Quack, Quack Mr. Ducksworth

USC 38-Oregon 35

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Steven, Emma, Tommy and James

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places