LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child. “Previously, the sexiness of a child was just a matter of chance, but now, parents will be able to choose how smoking hot their baby will be at the very beginning of their pregnancy,” said lead researcher Lydia Jarrett, adding that while ultrasounds have long been able to provide couples with a glimpse of their child’s sexiness, the new procedure, for the first time, allows them to decide whether their baby will be a mini studmuffin or a white-hot baby bombshell. “Many parents don’t want to have to guess how totally fine their newborn will be; they want to be able to make a decision and prepare for the birth of their little hottie or baby beefcake. This procedure puts their minds at ease and gives them a full nine months to stock up on all the teeny-tiny skirts and designer baby jeans they’ll need to show off their pint-sized sex bomb.” Jarrett added that parents who wanted to be surprised by the sexiness of their child were still free to wait until the baby was born to find out its level of pure animal magnetism.

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