WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to put to rest a mystery that has long bedeviled the nation, Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd, revealed on Monday that it is actually his voice that appears on the notorious “Access Hollywood” tape.

Speaking to reporters, Dowd said that the so-called locker-room talk attributed to Trump had actually been carefully crafted by the former reality-show host’s legal team and then read aloud by Dowd himself.

Additionally, Dowd said that comments widely thought to have been made by Trump indicating that he believed that Frederick Douglass was still alive were also Dowd’s handiwork.

“President Trump was about to say something about whether Frederick Douglass was alive or not, and I stepped in at that moment and said that he was,” Dowd said. “I stand by that statement.”

Dowd went on to say that other actions attributed to Trump since he took office, including alienating NATO allies, stating that an imaginary armada was steaming toward North Korea, and naming Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director, were all actually done by Dowd.

“Let’s be clear,” Dowd said. “Since Donald Trump was elected President, he has done nothing.”