On Empathy and its Discontents

An Unsettling Consideration of the Human Condition

My writing thus far has focused on Islam, politics, history, and related discourses exclusively. Although I have previously had inklings to write an article on the socio-emotional side of human affairs, I have refrained from doing so until now. This is because any writing on such a subject ought to be incisive and particular, yet often, necessarily or unnecessarily, manifests into generalizations and slogan-centric platitudes.

I have been avoiding the subject of the socio-emotional because of these problems, but I now find myself also returning to it because of said problems. I am troubled by the plethora of articles constantly trying to reduce the human socio-emotional experience into “The 5 Things You Need To Do For A Successful Social Life.” On the opposite end, I also feel that even complex articles on “Mental Health” at times get ahead of the more pervasive, everyday issues that need to be discussed more plainly. So much of what is now included in “Mental Health” is an over-categorization/formalization of more ubiquitous and basic socio-emotional concerns. These concerns are not clinical problems by the strictest definition, but are still pathologically identifiable on individual and collective levels.

So if you are looking for an easy list or some definitive answer to the socio-emotional concerns you have been having, this is not the article for you. This is a more flexible exercise in reviewing the countless social interactions I have had through the years. It is my reflections on those moments that have been vital in the development of my own worldview on some central aspects of the human condition.

I should acknowledge, at this juncture, that you might not feel any better about things by the end of this article. You might even feel worse, but perhaps that is because this article will adjust the parameters rather than the substance of your worldview. By that, I mean that perhaps your worldview will shift from one that notices incidents to one that notices patterns. If you find these patterns present in your own life, perhaps you will have found and recognized what you have been longing to address. However, should that not be the case, I apologize that I have taken your time.

As is apparent from the title, I will anchor this article using the matter of empathy. In considering empathy, my hope is to find the aforementioned balance between a particular focus and a broader relevance for persons with varied yet thematically similar experiences. Naturally, it is important to first consider the difference between sympathy and empathy, two distinct modes that are often confused with each other.

Sympathy is best defined by the feeling of compassion for the typically negative experiences of others and, consequently, the overt expression of this separate and transferred compassion. Empathy, although including elements of sympathy in its own expression, does not maintain a separation from another’s negative experiences. It is instead a choice to actually imagine oneself in another’s experiences.

There is the saying that the more things change, the more they stay the same. It is with that in mind that I shall condense the vast majority of my social experiences related to empathy into basic boilerplates. These reasonably represent the countless social interactions I have had with acquaintances, friends, and women I have dated, even briefly.

To begin with the positive side of things, in the past I have felt honored by compliments received from people in my life, compliments that usually involved them highlighting and lauding my status as “the most empathetic person” they knew. Admittedly, when such compliments first came to the fore as I transitioned into adulthood, they left me feeling surprised, confused, and even embarrassed. I have never considered myself to be socially exceptional, nor was I raised to feel special or entitled.

The notion that I was doing something profoundly special for people just seemed out of place. That is, until I realized, through group settings and casual observation of others through the years, that most people, sadly, have no idea how to be sympathetic, let alone empathetic. My empathetic exceptionalism was indeed not because I was operating on some higher plane, but rather that most people were settling with operating on a lower plane that did not even meet the basic criteria of what I considered, and continue to consider, social decency.

When people in the past have approached me with their problems, I have always ensured in different ways that they felt comfortable in all respects when entering into discussions with me about themselves. I always showed that I was accommodating their schedules and circumstances so that I could properly pay attention to the troubles they wished to discuss. They would, thus, know that I would arrange meetings based on not having anything to rush from beforehand and to rush to afterword. My time would truly be theirs with no distractions.

When they did finally present their issues to me to discuss, my first expressions of sympathy would naturally be I am so sorry you are going through this right now. You do not deserve any of this nonsense. What was stunning to me is that, in so many cases, I would not be the first person they spoke to about the subject, but I was the first to even say these words. Being the first person to do so meant, often, that the person in question would immediately break down sobbing. You can imagine my shock realizing and absorbing all of this in real time. Now imagine it happening over and over.

Notice, too, that I had not yet entered the true stage of empathy, merely sympathy, and that was already relatively exceptional up to that moment for so many people I spoke with. When I would move the conversations forward into empathy, it would mean putting myself in their shoes while still using references of their past and their character, so as to not replace their particular worldview with my own. What is the main priority for you in this situation, then? In that case, there is some similarity to the time you dealt with X. Also, remember that time you were with Y and you told me that thing happened? That would be the opposite of what you are facing right now. It might be helpful to use that as juxtaposition.

Once again, for a long time I had never considered anything I just recalled here to be special or exceptional. It is likely the influence of my mother, who simply raised me to understand and know that this is how you talk to people. All of these approaches were thus initially standard and blasé for me, at least until I realized that most people, apparently, do not do this with the people they are supposed to care about. My favorite comedian is Sebastian Maniscalco and he has a joke that applies here. “My parents gave me a book of rules to follow in life,” he opens, “apparently… nobody else got the book.”

I always valued being able to help people ipso facto, with their gratitude being more than enough for me and their high compliments just a bonus on top of that. I never expected anything in return. Having previously referred to this boilerplate as the positive side of empathy, I must now, and unfortunately, turn to the negative side of empathy, which were the aftermaths of my conversations. Sometimes these aftermaths were gradual and sometimes quite immediate. Sometimes they affected long-term friendships and sometimes they affected rather casual acquaintances.

The following boilerplate refers to the aftermath of my conversations, when, ironically, the experience itself of having received empathy eventually warped the response of the recipients, the people in my life, toward the giver, myself. The commonality that binds together these negative aftermaths are not separate incidents that caused ruptures between myself and the other people, but instead discontents that were apparently drawn out by my acts of empathy. Why did this happen and why repeatedly?

This phenomenon is likely linked back to the fact that not enough people actually practice empathy or even sympathy on a regular basis, or on a basis that is relevant and meaningful when and where it is supposed to be practiced. This has left the countless people I have known in my life, and countless others beyond my life, starving in the socio-emotional sense. When they met and got to know me, and at whatever point we had “the conversation,” their immediate reaction was one of elation and desired affirmation, but such things ended up turning bitter on their ends and destroying our social connections.

Perhaps it was the frustration of having received what was needed but all too late in life. Perhaps it was the resentment of choosing to share something they later regretted sharing. Perhaps it was the anger of having received what was needed at the right time, but from the wrong person. Perhaps they wanted their “best” friend to give it to them instead of me. Perhaps they wanted their husband to give it to them instead of me. Perhaps they began to feel entitled to my exclusive attention, which was not possible and just wrong under any circumstances. Perhaps it was all of these things in certain cases.

No matter how I might break the problem down into different frameworks for understanding, these were the eventual manifestations of empathy and its discontents in the overwhelming majority of cases I could make reference to from my life. I have wanted to be a forgiving person, so when hurtful things were said or done in the aftermaths, I would certainly give people chances to apologize. Unfortunately, most people would also not know how to apologize or would be withholding in the way that they would.

Recall my apology to readers earlier in this article. There is a big difference between I apologize that and I apologize if. The former is the correct form. The latter is employed when people wish to deny in real time the very infractions you have just raised with them, as well as to do pointless, last minute face saving. As I stated previously, I never expected anything in return for my empathy. However, I did hope that when I felt an apology was necessary that one would be delivered sincerely and free of the conventions typically found in a public relations statement.

The saddest irony is that I had already witnessed these dynamics since I was young and growing up. I saw them in my mother’s life and their replication in my own has been disturbing, disheartening, and creepy. It thus feels as if I have lived through two lifetimes of these problems. The replication between generations implies a certain universalism of this aspect of the human condition and one that is not easily remedied. That is, unless people en masse decide to be more sympathetic and empathetic in their own lives and/or choose to not project their insecurities and disappointments outward onto anyone else. The terrible reality is that empathy, or more broadly pro-active kindness and generosity, often brings out the worst in people.

So the next time you see an article arbitrarily and cheaply telling you to “be around people” and “make friends” at all costs, take solace in your own truth and in the reality that such things may not be the solution to your problems, but rather have been the source of them. Being an empathetic person does not necessarily mean attracting the right people and the right interactions. It may actually be doing the opposite. I am not encouraging you to destroy the empathy within yourself for that would be a terrible consequence of all this. Maintain it within for your own soul, as I have, without actually applying it outward on a social level. You will be saving yourself a lot of trouble.

If you, dear reader, recognize any of these negative occurrences in your own life, please know that you are not the only one who has experienced them, but that I am very sorry that you have. As you have made attempts to be kind and empathetic, you do not deserve these negative developments. Like I stated at the beginning of this article, it might be helpful for you to now review what you used to think of as incidents from your past and reinterpret them as part of a larger pattern that has lasted until the present. This recognition will likely bring on greater despair initially, but I truly hope it will deliver you to a more lasting, tranquil place in time.