PHOTOGRAPH BY MAX MUMBY/INDIGO/GETTY

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an eleventh-hour development that could have an unpredictable effect on the vote to determine Scottish independence, Queen Elizabeth II took to the British airwaves on Thursday to excoriate the Scots in a one-hour, profanity-laden tirade.

The Queen’s speech began with the phrase “Listen, you Scottish bastards,” and became steadily saltier as the monarch blasted her subjects for having the impudence to consider leaving the fold.

“I’ll make you heel like a litter of [Anglo-Saxon vulgarity] corgis,” she said, as her rage reached a crescendo.

After the speech, British Prime Minister David Cameron made a desperate attempt at damage control, hoping to distance himself from the Queen’s paint-peeling rant.

“The views of Her Majesty the Queen are her own,” he said in a hastily prepared statement. “Neither I nor my government consider the people of Scotland ‘bloody wankers.’ ”