For the last month or so of my pregnancy it seemed like my body was trying to collect all the pregnancy symptoms it had missed. One strange one was that sometimes after I coughed or moved too fast I would see flashing lights that looked like fireflies.

My body also had to collect swelling, because I had not really had any issues with swelling the whole time I was pregnant until one day my feet swelled up. It was my day off and I was lazy all day. I attributed the swelling to the fact that I was not moving around like I usually did. I felt overall quite miserable and I gained almost seven pounds that day. In hindsight that should’ve freaked me out, but I figured the swelling added some weight and I was eating a lot. I also had not been paying attention to when I went to the bathroom so it was possible my morning weight was right after I went to the bathroom and my evening weight was right before I went to the bathroom.

I had not gotten any super bad migraines since I was in middle school, but sometimes pregnancy can make migraines worse so I assumed what happened to me a few days later was just a bad migraine. My wife and I were playing MarioKart at our friend Zach’s place and I had to stop playing because I kept seeing a flashing light that looked like a rainbow lightning bolt. A few minutes later the light stopped and parts of my hands and face started feeling numb. I would have been freaked out except that this was how the really bad migraines I used to get would always start.

About a week after this on Sunday, October 15 I was having lots of contractions. They were small, but bigger than the other small ones I’d had and they just kept going for hours. My due date was November 3rd, but I was close enough to that it was possible to go into labor. I figured I was not in immediate danger of giving birth but I thought there was a reasonable chance that I was perhaps within a couple days of giving birth.

If I was about to go into labor I didn’t want to go to work on the other side of town, so around 11 that night my wife and I got ready to go to the hospital. We quickly packed a bag of things that would be useful if I was in fact about to go into labor and we put the carseat in the car. We had considered calling the nurse line and asking for advice, but I don’t like talking on the phone.

We got to the hospital at 11:45 and the person checking us in asked me if I wanted her to put 10/15 or 10/16 as the day we were checking in. I wasn’t sure why she asked me so I just said she could put the day that it was. I hope that by saying this I did not get us billed for an extra day.

They sent us to triage. I had to pee in a cup because medical people like to make pregnant people pee in cups. When I saw the color of my pee I felt dumb. I was probably just having contractions because I hadn’t had enough water to drink that day. They hooked me up to a contraction monitor and a baby heart-rate monitor.

One of the nurses checked my cervix which was basically not dilated at all. Getting my cervix checked was super painful. It seemed like she were just punching me in the crotch. Probably because I’m gay, but also when I got the IUI they told me I have a very deep-set cervix. They had to use a tool they had nicknamed “The Rocket” to get me pregnant.

They checked my blood pressure and my reading was quite high, though not high enough to immediately freak them out. They kept us there a bit longer so they could check my blood pressure again. I regretted coming at this point because I would have to be at work in 7 hours which meant I was not going to get much sleep. The nurse in triage seemed to really enjoy telling people they were not in labor. “You could probably sleep through these contractions, right?” Yes, I could. I felt like an idiot.

They checked my blood pressure again and it was still high. I got a mild headache, I assumed from being awake so late. The nurse left to talk to the doctor and when she came back she disappointedly said, “Guess what? You got a ticket to stay.” This felt like I had won because she had seemed so excited to get rid of me.

They moved us to another room and continued to monitor my blood pressure, contractions, and baby’s heartbeat. Whenever my blood pressure was too high it would make an alarm go off, so I knew immediately when I had failed. I was failing it a lot. The nurse asked me a list of questions including:

“Any blurred vision or flashing lights?” Not currently, but a couple weeks ago yes.

“Headache?” Yes, a mild one.

“Any pain in your upper right quadrant?” No, not since my gallbladder stopped hurting. Being pregnant had made my gallbladder get angry for a couple of months, but it had magically fixed itself.

I think there were a couple other questions but I don’t remember. She told me I was going to get asked those questions a lot, which was true. She checked my feet for swelling and listened to my heart and lungs. My feet were a little swollen, but really quite reasonable considering I was pregnant. They kept me overnight and I texted my boss to let her know I wouldn’t be coming into work.

At first they diagnosed me with gestational hypertension, but then changed it to the more serious pre-eclampsia.

In the morning I was starving, but I wasn’t allowed to eat until we talked to my doctor and figured out what the plan was. All I had was a giant cup of ice water.

My doctor came and said they were going to start me on magnesium to prevent seizures or strokes from the high blood pressure. I thought this was quite polite, giving me medicine to prevent those things. Instead of freaking out I reacted as if they were offering me a nice cup of Earl Grey tea.

Then it was time for more crotch punching. She checked my cervix which was still not dilated. With how painful getting my cervix checked was I was really not looking forward to giving birth.

She then said that I was going to be induced because the only cure for pre-eclampsia is giving birth. They gave me some liquid tylenol for my headache, since I can’t swallow pills, and a cup of coffee.

Pre-eclampsia had really not been on my radar because the only risk factor I had was that it was my first pregnancy. Being under 18 or over 40 puts you at increased risk, but I’m 29. Smack dab in the middle. If I was going to get one of the serious pregnancy related diseases it really should have been diabetes.

I did not really know anything about pre-eclampsia. My wife researched it while she tried to rest on the pseudo bed that the room came with. It’s scary. She didn’t tell me anything about it because she didn’t want to make my blood pressure any higher than it already was. I didn’t study it until after I was already done having it, so I only had to freak out about it in hindsight.

This article stuck with me the most:

The woman from the article had a more severe form of it than I had and also a doctor who was misinterpreting her symptoms. The hospital I was at did everything right as far as I could tell. I was quite lucky. I was also lucky because they were never worried about the baby.

After my doctor talked to us I got an IV put in and they moved us into one of the rooms designed for giving birth in and I was finally allowed to eat breakfast. I got a breakfast sandwich and some peaches. I assumed it would be the last meal I had before giving birth.

I appreciate that I did not have any seizures or strokes, but magnesium makes you feel miserable. It made my chest feel like a desert. We set the thermostat to 60 and it still felt way too hot for me. I was only allowed to have a limited number of sips of liquid. I missed my giant mug of ice water from the other room.

I had gotten peaches with breakfast because one of the nurses suggested I get some sort of fruit like grapes. They can’t measure the liquid in grapes.

I ate so many ice chips. I had not understood why pregnant people ate ice chips, but now I understood.

The next couple days were kind of a blur. I think I remember most of the things that happened, but I can’t remember the order for sure.

My wife and I had saved the last season of The Great British Baking Show so that we would have something to watch in the hospital. We watched a couple of episodes but I don’t remember them. We stopped after two because my eyes were having trouble focusing. I had been excited to not have to wait until November 3rd to watch it because it’s really good show.

I felt bad because eventually we had to tell our family not to come visit except very briefly. Visitors made me too excited and I failed my blood pressure readings whenever people were visiting. I could now tell I was failing before I even heard the alarm because my vision would start getting blurry.

Inducing labor is a slow process. They gave me some drugs through the IV to do it. At some point a male doctor came to check my cervix and I was still only slightly dilated. It was the least painful cervix check, though still awful. A few hours later he came back to check my cervix again. The nurses had offered to find someone else to check because they had seen how much I didn’t like it. They were surprised when I told them he was the best one. This time after he checked he also broke my water which felt like having three periods all at once.

Because things were going so slowly he recommended that I get an epidural so I could get some rest. I did not get an epidural because it just seemed too freaky to me. I didn’t want to feel numb. I’m not a fan of medicine in general because I’d rather just have the predictable pain.

Tuesday morning they let me eat a simple breakfast, so I got cheerios and I think peaches again. I was more concerned about being able to eat than the possibility of having a stroke.

I was still barely having contractions. The contraction monitor was picking up ones that I could not even feel. Several times people would point out that I was having a contraction and I’d be like, “Oh, that’s news to me.”

Tuesday afternoon the doctor proposed a plan. She would turn off the drugs for inducing labor for a few hours so I could eat dinner and take a nap. Then at eight she would turn them back on and hope I progressed. Most people don’t get to take a dinner break when they’re in labor. I liked that plan because I was starving and tired, but I realized it meant I was not leaving anytime soon.

I had the turkey dinner with mashed potatoes, carrots, green beans, and a lemon sorbet. It was delicious, one of the best meals the hospital serves.

After dinner the nurse from triage who had seemed so eager to get rid of me became my nurse for the night. She ended up being one of my favorite nurses because she never poured out any of my sips of liquid even when she was bringing me more liquid. Most of the other nurses would pour out the water from my melted ice chips when they brought me more ice chips, but not her. Magnesium makes you feel very possessive of liquids.

At about eight they started trying to induce labor again. For a few hours nothing really happened, but then the contractions started. After a while they felt like a super tight belt that would appear and disappear. I got nauseous so they gave me some Zofran. It worked for a while and then I got nauseous again and they gave me some more. This time it did not work. I felt like I was going to throw up. They offered me another nausea medicine I don’t remember the name of and I took that as well.

Shortly after I took that medicine I had the worst hour and a half of the whole thing. I don’t know if it was because of the medicine or just that stage of labor. I just felt miserable all over but not in any particular way.

“I’m going to be pregnant forever!” I thought, “Days and days! This is never going to end! He’s just going to be in there forever. Maybe I should get an epidural. I don’t know. I don’t know! No I don’t want it. I want a C-section so this can be over. How can I make them give me a C-section? Maybe just one kid. I’m going to be stuck like this forever.”

The nurse asked how I was doing and I said, “crappy.” I almost never swear. The nurse described my options for pain medicine, but I turned them down. It seemed to me that the nausea medicine had made me feel worse so I didn’t want to take even more medicine.

My wife and I had joked while I was pregnant that we were probably going to have six kids because we have five more vials of sperm. I had gotten pregnant literally the first time it was ever possible for me to get pregnant. Now we might have just one more if we’re feeling gutsy. Pre-eclampsia is scary.

The contractions were getting stronger. The belt was slowly growing into a corset. The nurse taught my wife how she could push on my love handles while I was having a contraction to make it hurt less.

I figured out my own techniques after a bit so she could rest. I put heat packs on my love handles during the contractions and gave myself a hard massage.

As they got bigger I bent my left knee and put my right foot up on that knee. Whenever I got a contraction I would grab my right knee and rhythmically shake it. I think I remember the nurse telling my wife that what I was doing was not normal, but it was working. I was becoming the contraction master and they barely hurt except when people tried to talk to me. I had to focus. I told my wife to shut up a few times.

This was my contraction pose.

In the morning Dr. Fox, my favorite doctor, came and told me that she would be delivering for me. Shortly after she left the room my contractions got way stronger. It felt like I had to poop super, super bad. It was as if I had eaten a whole carton of ice cream back when I was lactose intolerant.

The nurse went to the hallway and called Dr. Fox back in the room. She checked my cervix and this time it didn’t really hurt. I was at 8cm. It felt like it should be time to push but it was not. I had to wait until I was 10cm. My new contraction technique became trying really hard not to poop. They never show the Don’t Push part of giving birth in movies.

While I was progressing to 10cm Dr. Fox was called away to perform a C-section. When it was finally time to push I ended up with a doctor named Christen. Christen. A very incorrect spelling of Kristin, but I was not in a position to be picky.

It took a while for me to get a handle on how to time breathing and pushing. They asked me if I had asthma because I was having such a hard time. I don’t have asthma.

Pushing was quite tiring especially because it was Wednesday morning and I had not gotten any significant sleep since Saturday night. I fought through the exhaustion, telling myself I could sleep afterwards. I had not thought about the fact that as soon as I was done pushing I would be a parent of a newborn. It’d be nice if there was a day to rest in between giving birth and becoming a parent.

Dr. Fox came literally just in time to put on her gloves, catch the baby, and plop him on my chest. Dr. Fox and Christen were switching during my last couple pushes and it almost ended up being the nurse who caught him.

During birth I had gotten a second degree tear, which basically means my vagina was ripped up but my butt was intact. Dr. Fox sewed me up and then nerded out about the placenta, but I was distracted by the baby.

I wish there was an audio recording of my yelling when I pushed him out, because I probably sounded like a badass.

People kept apologetically massaging my uterus-filled belly. It was silly to apologize because it was one of the least painful things that had happened to me during the last couple days. Also I had a gooey baby to play with.

I breastfed him for the first time and it was surprisingly easy. People make breastfeeding sound so hard, but it seemed we were great at it.

After they got him a bit cleaned up it was time to get us ready to move to the postpartum room. A couple of nurses helped me stand up and get to the bathroom using a Sara Stedy. I dumped blood all over the floor. It was like my body was a giant blood bucket. Standing up made me super light-headed. The nurses collected up all the blood to weigh how much I had lost. The amount was only alarming to me.

Then I sat in a wheelchair to be wheeled to the other room. They asked if I could make it to the other room without passing out or if I needed to rest first. I was reasonably confident I wouldn’t pass out, so I said I was ready. I didn’t want to get comfortable in a room we weren’t going to stay in. Then they told me their policy is to have the mother who gave birth hang onto the baby in the wheelchair. I was not feeling that confident in my ability to avoid passing out. “I don’t want to drop him!” So the nurse helped hold the baby in my lap for the whole ride over.

We knew that we would probably have to stay in the hospital for at least three days after his birth. One so I could stay on magnesium a bit longer. And two more so they could monitor my blood pressure. By Thursday I was finally feeling well enough that we could have our family stay for longer visits.

My parental role the first couple days was primarily as a cow. I was not allowed out of bed without the help of a nurse, which meant my wife had to change all of his sticky tar poops.

They gave me a liquid stool softener to help with pooping. Something about the flavor of it made me have an hour-long coughing fit, which was especially painful with a ripped up vagina. The nurse offered to give me some nausea medication, but that was not the problem. Whenever you tell nurses any unpleasant thing they offer you medicine. I instead asked for a soda to sip on. She brought me a small can and said that was the last of the liquid I could have for a while.

Several people said that they were jealous of my ability to give birth without pain medicine. With how much plain old stool softener wiped me out I’m glad I didn’t go for any of the more serious medicines.

I turned down all the stool softener they offered me after that, but luckily I didn’t need it. The first poop after giving birth is weird. It’s weird to feel like you need to poop and then have it actually just be poop and not a baby.

My least favorite part about the days after giving birth were the lactation specialists. Them visiting always felt like some weird test I was failing. I had gotten worse at it since the first time.

There are a bunch of breastfeeding positions but none of them are very good when you have an IV in one arm and a blood pressure cuff on the other. They taught me one called the Football position. They put my arms where they were supposed to go and then a few minutes later I got in trouble for not being in a comfortable position while breastfeeding. I had not moved my arms!

Another lactation person really liked using dumb phrases for things that I was already doing. “Use your people,” she told me while my mom was holding the baby for me. I was already using my people!

Originally we thought we could leave on Saturday, but I had had just enough blood pressure spikes they wanted to keep me for another day. Our baby could have been discharged but that seemed silly while I was still there. Finally on Sunday we got to go home.