Indy arse-up shoves Spaniard towards triumvirate of twattery

After failing to qualify for the Indy 500 this weekend, Fernando Alonso is a step closer to his so-called McLaren ‘triple crown’, an unofficial title for the achievement of being totally let down by McLaren in Formula 1, Indycar and endurance racing.

Ever since his double disappointment with McLaren in F1, Alonso has harboured an ambition to be the first driver to be really sodded around by the Woking team in two other motorsports. “Fernando was clever using 2017 and an Andretti-run car to get familiar with the Indy 500,” explains Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. “But as soon as he did that, he realised it was too easy and he began to lobby the team to set-up their own car in-house for 2019, knowing that they’d probably arse it up and get him closer to the ‘triple crown’ of being totally dicked over by McLaren”.

Sources say that behind the scenes Alonso has already persuaded McLaren that their next target should be an in-house endurance racer that should be both “ready for Le Mans 2020” and “ultimately disappointing”.

“As with the Indy 500, Fernando has gained knowledge with another team in charge to get a feel for Le Mans,” Ital notes. “But the Toyota experience was unsatisfying for him. The car was competitive, there was absolutely no humiliation, the team boss wasn’t a tubby man in a fleece making empty promises that weren’t realised. Le Mans will be unfinished business for Alonso until he can enter the race and then get totally knobbed on by McLaren being embarrassingly useless again”.

Those close to the 37-year-old driver say he is now focussed on completing the third part of the McLaren triple crown and has already started practising new ways in which he can take on an air of almost jovial resignation, like a weary dad at a Center Parcs who has just noticed all three of his feral children putting their hands into bowls of food on the buffet.