PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—The moment of truth has arrived! Will spring come early this year, or will we have six more weeks of winter? Well, according to Punxsutawney Phil, the answer is neither!

For the first time in in the history of Groundhog Day, the weather-prognosticating rodent has declared "it doesn't fucking matter" whether he sees his shadow or not and predicts "an eternity of darkness from which none of us can ever hope to escape." Wow!

"Winter? Spring? Who cares?" the famed groundhog asked rhetorically from the entrance of his burrow this morning. "A few extra hours of warmth and sunshine won't tmake a difference when weighed against the unrelenting cruelty of our existence."



"Face it, folks. There's no meaning to be found in this universe. We might as well stop looking for one," added the adorable four-legged forecaster.



Maybe it has to do with all those Camus books he's been reading. - Local politician Ted Summers

Local officials estimate over 8,000 revellers attended the early morning ceremony to catch a glimpse of the suddenly nihilistic groundhog. Following tradition, the event started with the customary knocking on Punxsutawney Phil's burrow door to wake him from his slumber.



"It seemed to take a lot more effort to get the little guy out of bed this year," confirmed local politician Ted Summers. "Phil was definitely awake, but he was hardly moving. He seemed almost lost in thought."



"Something must be really weird with this weather to make him so catatonic," theorized the top hat-wearing city councilman. "Or maybe it has to do with all those Camus books he's been reading."



After making his pronouncement, Punxsutawney Phil suggested to the Gobbler's Knob crowd that he is unlikely to summon the will to make his annual weather prediction next year; citing the entire celebration as absurd, given the current state of the world.



"At some point, you all need to look into yourselves and ask why you've placed so much misguided hope in me," said the furry little woodland creature while shrugging his little shoulders.. "Like you, I was thrust into this uncaring world naked and afraid. I am but an ordinary groundhog forced into playing a hollow role in a pointless life."



"I am not special. Just as nothing else is special," he concluded before wiggling his fluffy tail and slumping back into his hole. "Be good to each other. It's all we can hope to accomplish before whatever sorrow comes for us next."

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