John Cater says he truly believed he was straight. Growing up in a Catholic household in Shediac, N.B., a small Maritime town renowned for its lobsters, gay men were not out there in his youth.

Cater, 42, an air cadet officer, only dated women. Though he was attracted to men, he said he never pursued the feelings.

At 30, he married another air cadet officer and had a daughter, who's now 11.

As the years went by, his attraction to men became stronger and out of curiosity, he said, he began to cruise gay chat rooms.

On a trip to Edmonton three years ago, he had his first gay encounter with a man he met from Lifeout.com, which bloomed into a relationship after his separation.

He said he returned to Halifax with a guilty conscience — a feeling that brewed for nine months until his wife pressured him to tell her why he had been so despondent lately.

"She pushed it out of me and I’m glad she did," said Cater, who said he was becoming emotionally detached and had turned to alcohol to cope with the stress.

"The first thing she said was: 'I knew.'"

Cater said a wave of relief and sadness came over him.

His ex-wife now lives down the street from him and he said she has shown him a great deal of compassion.

"She was really great about it. There was no anger, and she was trying to be very supportive," said Cater.

Cater came out to his daughter when they were selling their house. She was nine.

"My wife and I sat down and explained there are men who are attracted to men and there are men who are attracted to women . . . and it's all good and normal so long as they love each other."

The idea of daddy being gay crystallized when Cater’s boyfriend moved to Halifax.

"She saw us together and could tell there was obvious love and I think that’s when it clicked," he said.

achung@postmedia.com