Jarritos "Jamaica" flavored soda

History: Jarritos is a soft-drink brand conceived 60-odd years ago in Mexico, by fledgling soda tycoon Don Francisco "El Güero" Hill. It's not as carbonated as North American soft drinks, plus it's made with real cane sugar. Other flavors include lime, grapefruit, fruit punch, watermelon, and tamarind.

Availability: As the most popular soft drink in the U.S. among Latino consumers, it should be found in many supermarkets and certainly specialty food outlets.

Color: Bright red. Think carbonated grenadine.

Appeal: Aside from the color, it was the name that got me. Jamaica. Why drink a lowly fruit-flavored beverage when you can drink an entire country? One's mind is soon aflame with images of succulent tropical fruits, a hint of vanilla, or perhaps pink peppercorns.

Taste: Have you ever consumed a nightmare? I have, now. One of those real bed-wetters, too, like that "Enter Sandman" video where a demonic tractor-trailer is after you, you're running but it's fruitless (much like Jarritos Jamaica), you're trapped in quicksand, your arms pinwheeling and you're shrieking in abject terror and then your bed's run over, reduced to a million splintered matchsticks — BOOM! — and James Hetfield's pockmarked face is leering at you from the vast altar of a blood-red sky. Next his face melts and falls like rain, in your hair, down your throat, and soon you're falling into an endless chasm where the walls seethe with blind white worms and toothy vipers... Anyway, such was my experience. Your mileage may vary.

The real mystery: Why it's called "Jamaica." Perhaps if you took an old Crown — the knit-cap Rastafarian wear — and soaked it overnight in soda water, then wrung it out into a bottle, then added red food coloring... Or perhaps Mexicans hold an ages-old grudge against Jamaicans, so much so that one of their soda company execs said, "Let's concoct the skunkiest-tasting soda known to man and call it Jamaica, in order to show our distaste for those dreadlocked, ganja-smoking bobsledders!"

If it tastes like anything, Jarritos Jamaica tastes like prunes. This is not a drink kids would enjoy, though it may do well in retirement communities. Further investigation revealed that the flavor is in fact hibiscus, from the stamen of the hibiscus flower. It is now my dedicated opinion that the hibiscus flower should never be used as a flavoring additive for the same reasons as, say, fertilizer pellets should not be used for the same purpose.

Possible culinary uses: Vampire repellent? This is not a beverage to be cooked with. It is not, in my humble opinion, a beverage to be ingested at all. I wouldn't even recommend standing too close to Jarritos Jamaica... That said, their lime and cola flavors are excellent.

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