When I read that Boris Johnson wrote two different newspaper columns to help him decide whether he should back the remain campaign or Brexit, I was astonished. A journalist doing double the amount of required work for no extra pay? But looking at Johnson’s Teflon – no, let’s not sugar coat this, his cockroach-like survival skills – I’ve decided I could learn something.

As you might have heard, in three days’ time there will be this election thingummybob, somewhere. So this week I shall write two columns, one for each of the two possible outcomes (please, no one mention hanging chads) so that you, dear readers, can deploy the relevant one come Wednesday morning. Consider this my homage to the Johnsonian approach, without the risk of me then becoming foreign secretary. Because while America may be a divided country, nobody wants that.

***

Wow, welcome to the dawn of President Trump, folks. Who could have foreseen that 6 November bombshell in Hillary Clinton’s emails, that Anthony Weiner was in the pay of Vladimir Putin all along? This did at least explain his otherwise completely inexplicable behaviour, but the fact that Clinton’s closest aide was married to a Russian spy was too much for some, and so they handed the election to the guy who used to sell mail-order steaks.

The result was announced just a few hours ago, and already Trump has ordered that the White House be gold plated and renamed Trump Mansion. In its current state, he said, the presidential residence is “a disaster, a total disaster, a place for losers”, but he will soon make it “tremendous, the best, the most expensive building anyone’s ever seen, even better than the Trump Plaza and Casino in New Jersey” (which closed two years ago and left thousands unemployed).

Meanwhile, the stock market has plunged but Trump says this is just because the markets are “stupid” and, anyway, Americans will soon be using rubles, which is “the best, the richest currency” according to Trump’s “smartest guys. I have the smartest guys”. Because no US politician wants to work with him, he has put his children into office – his son Donnie as secretary of defence, Eric as secretary of state, 10-year-old Barron as chief of staff, and Ivanka as attorney general because, her father explained, “she’ll look tremendous in a general’s uniform”.

No one has seen the Clintons since the vote was confirmed, though there is a rumour they were seen fleeing the country in Barbra Streisand’s private jet. In Hollywood, the studios say that all but one of their actors have vanished, so all movies will now star Hulk Hogan. Coca Cola says it has lost the recipe for all its drinks except New Coke.

The American experiment is over. Prince William has offered amnesty to any US citizens who wish to return to their colonial overlords, but Nigel Farage has dismissed this, because he is now America’s colonial overlord. Chaos reigns.

***

It’s President Clinton! Again! It certainly was a close-run race, especially with that whole email issue. Who could have foreseen that they would reveal he was swapping dick pics with one DonaldTrump@donaldtrump.com? “I saw your dick pic, and you have the dick of a loser. Mine is tremendous, incredible, doctors tell me I have the greatest dick of all time,” Trump wrote in the first email, with photographic evidence.

Reports say the two men sent one another more than 572,000 photos of their penises (the FBI has asked for a collective lobotomy after reviewing the evidence). Since the result was announced, Trump has been seen sitting in his penthouse suite in Trump Tower, repeatedly muttering, “Rosebud, rosebud.” (Rosebud, Melania has revealed, was her name for his penis. He thought it was because it smelled good.)

Meanwhile President Clinton the second has appealed for calm (and help with setting up her White House email). As promised to the gods in return for ensuring her victory, she passes legislation that no member of the Kardashian family will be on TV again, ever. But trouble lies ahead: Ivanka, her heart filled with fury, vows to avenge her father. She doubles the size of her lifestyle website, which features coded messages that subliminally sow unrest and revolution. Due to their unwavering inability to resist luxury jeans and “handbag organisers”, Americans are soon fully indoctrinated. Chaos reigns.