This week the ladies all head to the Philippines, because sometimes it’s just nice to get drunk and fight with your friends in a different country.

First though, we’re with Jackie and Pettifleur, as Lydia takes them to her favourite clothing store: she’s been shopping there since she was 18, she says.

“Oh wow … that’s a long time,” is Pettifleur’s super-shady reply.

Perusing the store, Jackie refers to different outfits as being “very couture” no less than four times. Brace yourselves: We’ve got a new Jackie Gillies catchphrase on our hands. Resistance is futile.

While they’re browsing, Pettifleur pulls them aside for a serious chat about Gina, saying she feels she’s been making an awful lot of mean jokes at her expense.

At this point it would be remiss of us not to highlight Jackie’s ‘Oh-ok-we’re-having-a-serious-talk-now’ Concentration Face, which has made several appearances this season:

Across town, Gamble has entered her beloved Pomeranian Cash into a dog show. She’s feeling a little underprepared — or as she puts it, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“I haven’t practiced with Cash at all, so we’re sort of going in blind. But we’ve got a few moves: He can walk.” Indeed, he can:

Soon the announcer utters the words this recapper has waited a lifetime to hear: “Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, welcome to the POMERANIAN CHALLENGE.”

Gamble’s BFF Gina is in the audience, of course, looking for all the world like a proud stage mum:

Gamble has to lead Cash through a variety of simple tricks, but this Pomeranian is richer than you or I and he’s not about to debase himself with menial tasks like this. At one point he goes off-leash and runs around the ground while Gamble chases him frantically — all that’s missing is the Benny Hill music. The judges don’t look too impressed:

Somehow, despite doing everything short of regurgitating the remains of a dead bird at the judges’ feet, Cash comes third. How did this miracle happen? Gamble takes most of the credit:

“I think we got it because the woman in fourth place forgot to blow-dry her hair in the morning, and it must have a bit more to do with the full presentation of your team.”

Next we’re with Janet, who is in a dress that makes her appear as though her breasts are smiling widely:

Janet’s meeting a few of the other Housewives to give them an update on the tea business she’s launching with her son. She’s heading off on a work trip to the Philippines to meet with a local ‘tea master’, and she’s inviting them all along. HOLIDAY! What could possibly go wrong?

Gamble’s not there, as she’s brought sister Tempest — breakout star of last week’s episode — down from Sydney for some emergency plastic surgery. Sitting down to lunch with her more surgically enhanced sister, Tempest runs through the procedures she’s having done: eye lift, chin tuck, gallons of Botox. Gamble interjects with totally unbiased words of encouragement like “Oh yes, you DEFINITELY need to have that done,” and “I mean, it’s just a little bit of liposuction.”

Seeing as last week we said she was mad as a cut snake, let’s balance things out with a compliment: Tempest, at 10 years older than your sister you’re in very good nick. Don’t feel you have to turn yourself into a neutral mask in a party wig just because of a few wrinkles.

In amongst all her wise words of encouragement, Gamble casually mentions that she herself has spent “about $90,000 on cosmetic surgery — but $20,000 of that was to fix some bad work that I had done.”

RUN FOR THE HILLS, TEMPEST.

Next up, Jackie and Chyka continue to take their jobs as co-planners of Gamble’s hen’s night very seriously. Jackie’s taking Chyka to scout a venue, and once they arrive, she’s got a surprise: BEEFCAKE.

The strippers take it in turns to impress the girls. Surprisingly, given she previously nixed the possibility of strippers, Chyka is far more ‘up for it’ than Jackie.

At one point, one of the men squirts whipped cream onto his nipple and has Chyka lick it off.

Last week she was in a tizzy about her decorative tea towels, now she’s sucking a stranger’s nips — Chyka, you got layers, girl.

“Wow … cream for breakfast,” she announces, licking her lips with a post-coital smile. BAN THIS FILTH etc.

Stripper number two ups the ante, having Chyka lay on the floor while he mounts her, then sitting her on a chair while he shakes his basketball-esque tanned butt cheeks in her face.

“I was slightly nervous … but ready to see it all,” she says. How Chyka Got Her Groove Back.

It’s almost time to head to the Philippines, so we check in with a few of the girls as they pack — with the help of their respective staff members. Pettifleur is shown barking at long-suffering housekeeper Lia, insisting that each of her items of clothing must be individually wrapped in tissue paper before packing, while Lia silently dreams of a Kimmy Schmidt-style escape from this house of torment.

“When I travel, I think about where I’m going and what I’m doing, and I select my outfits accordingly,” Packing Expert Pettifleur tells us, as if she’s divulging some earth-shattering life-hack.

Lydia’s packing with the help of her housefriend (for it is she), Joanna. Joanna’s parents live back in the Philippines, and she hands Lydia a handwritten letter to give them. Lydia is moved.

“Oh Joanna that’s beautiful! I’ve got goosebumps! I would love to do that,” she says.

Her follow-up caveat rather spoils the moment, though:

“…and If I don’t see them I’ll just post it.”

The ladies arrive in Manila and check into their glam hotel. While the others have brought mountains of luggage, Jackie’s one-upped them all by bringing an actual human person: her stylist, Ian.

“He’s someone I can’t live without …. ECKSPESHALLY when I’m travelling,” she says.

As Ian runs Jackie through the outfits he’s packed for her, she again says that each and every one looks “very couture.”

“Sometimes in the morning, I’ll even say ‘I’m having a very couture breakfast,’” she admits.

The girls split into two groups for a day of shopping, and Chyka at one point asks Gina for some legal advice. She’s been doing a bit of digging about Pettifleur’s book, Switch the Bitch, and she’s found there’s already been a very similar book written by US ex-Apprentice contestant Omarosa:

Gina says that yes, Pettifleur’s probably on shaky legal ground should Omarosa decide to pursue legal action over the similarities in their titles. As Gina sees it, this would be the perfect opportunity for Pettifleur to remove the controversial ‘bitch’ from the book’s title once and for all.

‘Well its not exactly a fenemist title,” Gamble says. Say it with us: Fen. Em. Ist. Ohhhh Gamble … we love you.

Off on a separate shopping trip with Janet and Lydia, Pettifleur once again says that Gina’s jokes at her expense are starting to grate — and she can’t help but feel there are racist overtones to Gina’s sly digs about her accent. The others encourage her to confront Gina about it — as Janet says, “Hopefully I’m there to watch it!” Selfless, that one.

Before dinner, the girls head to the roof of their luxury hotel for a sunset champagne or two.

Looking out over the densely populated city, the Housewives can’t help but notice the slums dotted throughout.

“What about when we came in from the airport — did you see all the kids playing in the rubbish? But they’re happy and they love it,” Chyka says. Stop what you’re doing, Bob Geldof — KIDZ LUV POVERTY.

The women sit down to a very fancy dinner with a view, on the 71st floor of a building towering above Manila. Or as Lydia puts it: “the restaurant was on the seventy-oneth floor, so it was extremely high.”

SEVENTY-ONETH. FENEMIST. ECKSPESHALLY. I’m sorry, what’s going on here? Is there a carbon monoxide leak on set?

At dinner, Chyka and Gina raise their concerns with Pettifleur about her book — namely, that a book with an almost identical title has already been released.

“Won’t people get confused?” Gina asks, quite reasonably.

Pettifleur’s immediately on the defensive. She already knew about the other book — her verdict? “Completely different. Not interested. DON’T CARE,” she insists.

“Gina’s comment, about people getting confused by the title, is goobley-gosh.”

As the dinner wears on, the pair, sat next to each other, continue sniping.

“I hear you, constantly bitching,” Pettifleur mutters, at which point Gina gets all up in her face.

“You can back RIGHT OFF, I’m not interested in your opinion and you can keep it to yourself. I wouldn’t read your book, especially now cos I know you.”

Gina finishes with a not-entirely-flattering impersonation of Pettifleur:

NEXT WEEK: Dinner continues — and turns into an all-out slanging match. In the 20-second sneak peek we’re treated to no less than three F-bombs, and this pearler from Jackie to Gina: “When’s the last time you had a shaaaaag? That’s what you need, a f*cken’ good root.”

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel.

Check back here right after each show to read our weekly recap.

In the meantime, join recapper and proud fenemist Nick Bond over on Twitter (@bondnickbond).