KEARNY, NJ—Convinced that he was going “straight to hell” for chuckling at a “rule 34” meme involving Peppa Pig, local man Kevin Morgan was reportedly unaware Monday that he would, in fact, suffer eternal damnation for helping his sister get an abortion. “Oh, man, this is so wrong and I know I’ll rot in hell for laughing, but I just can’t help it,” said Morgan, whose repeated disembowelment at the hands of horned demons would actually be for driving his 15-year-old sibling to an unlicensed clinic in 2011 to terminate a pregnancy from a man who was not her husband. “I bet there’s a special place down there for people like me [who worked two extra shifts to pay for the procedure]. God, please forgive me, because my soul is definitely doomed for [never once trying to talk her out of it, even when she was having second thoughts].” At press time, Morgan had reportedly not sealed his fate by sharing the meme with his friends along with the caption “remember Peppa?” but by promising to take his sister’s secret to the grave.

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