Even the most dedicated Bachelor fan may not remember season-five contestant Jessica Holcomb, who was eliminated by Jesse Palmer in week three. But ex-Bachelor producer Sarah Gertrude Shapiro remembers the blonde lawyer from Texas well — because Shapiro tormented her. In a recent New Yorker profile, Shapiro recalls forcing Holcomb to cry on elimination night by tapping into her "food issues." "I asked her, 'Do you think he dumped you because you are fat?'"

She says the memory haunts her, but it also serves as inspiration for her hit Lifetime drama UnREAL, which peels back the curtain on a Bachelor-like reality competition and features fictional producers Quinn and Rachel taking cruel swipes on the regular. Cosmopolitan.com spoke to 38-year-old Holcomb, now married with an 18-month-old son and working as a lawyer in Pittsburgh, about what she thinks of UnREAL, whether she forgives Shapiro, and how being on the Bachelor in 2004 (when it was just an eight-episode season) impacted her life.

Was the New Yorker story a surprise?

They reached out to me to fact-check. I said to them, "What she really said was way worse." But it was accurate enough. I think in the article she said, "Do you think he didn't like you because you're fat?" But what I remember her saying was, "You've been very honest about all the girls here being so much prettier than you and skinnier than you and better than you. How does it feel to know that you were right?" Because I would say that a lot. I did and still do have terrible self-esteem.

It was very shocking. And then she just kept going on and on. It was just the meanest stuff ever. So then I turn around crying because it hurt my feelings so bad. And [the producers] were like, "Turn around." And I was like, "No, I'm not going to turn around and make it look like I'm crying over this guy I don't even know." At that point, none of us even knew [Jesse] or liked him or anything. And so I walk off and they film me walking off like it was this big dramatic thing. It was humiliating.

How did Sarah know about these insecurities? You mentioned you'd often say these things — were you saying them to her?

No. There are producers everywhere. I would say it on, they're called ITMs — "in the moments" — and they'd ask you questions. I would say that a lot.

Why was this happening at 4 in the morning?

Those rose ceremonies last, like, five hours. They make it look like they're quick, [but] it's, like, 10 minutes between each rose. You're standing there forever. So by the time it's over, I remember the first one, the sun came up. That's how long it was. So they just take a long time. Then after, when you have to do those interviews — I just wanted to go home, I was so tired. I was like, "Everything's fine. That was so fun! See you later." But it didn't take long for them to get mad and come out with the big guns.

It was just the meanest stuff ever. So then I turn around crying because it hurt my feelings so bad.

What made you go on the show?

I was a lawyer at a very large law firm at the time, and I was really young, I think I was 24, and my fiancé and I had just broken up, and I was devastated — beyond words, crying all the time. And so our Houston office got an email from [Bachelor producers]. I guess back then they would cast based on professions or different roles, I don't know. But we got an email from The Bachelor saying, "If you are a lawyer and you want to be on this show, you can email the casting director directly." So it got forwarded to our office in San Antonio and they said, "You should apply! It'll be fun; it'll get your mind off what happened." I sent in, like, four sentences and a picture — that was it. It was not my idea to do this; I didn't think anything would come out of it. I thought it was stupid. But from there, they actually did contact me and they wanted me to fill out this big, long thing. So I did that and then I sent in a funny video of me being a cat lady. And then they fly you out to L.A.

Did you play up any particular drama in your life to land a spot?

Oh, well, at the time, if you even mentioned my ex's name, I would start crying. So when they interviewed me, when they flew me out to Los Angeles, they were like, "Tell us about what happened with [your ex]," and I started bawling, instantaneously. So I'm sure they were like, "Check! She's a complete basket case. [Laughs.]" I'm sure that sealed my fate.

Was that your first meeting with Sarah, in L.A.?

I don't even remember. She looked very different from the pictures I've seen of her now. There were so many producers. They all looked kind of the same. And they all wore black. And they all were very disheveled. So I don't even remember who was who or anything like that.

Sarah Gertrude Shapiro in 2016. Getty

Have you seen UnREAL?

I've seen it a couple of times.

And what did you think of it?

I loved it; it's awesome.

Do you think it's accurate?

It is all very accurate. For me, it was easy for them to manipulate me because I'm a people pleaser. I would do and say anything they wanted me to, thinking that if they like me, they won't be mean or they won't edit me bad. But it was the total opposite of that. They don't care about you. You have a false sense that they do when you're there, but of course they don't.

On UnREAL, you see the producers plying the women with alcohol. Do you remember there being a lot of alcohol around?

I mean, no one is forcing alcohol down your throat. You're just unbelievably bored because you're in a house, and there's no TV, there's no magazines, nothing. You can't work out, so all of us got fat. You just sat around and drank and ate all day, because there's nothing to do. But they're not forcing you to drink alcohol; you just do it because you're bored.

When did you find out that Jesse was the Bachelor? And did you know him from his football career?

No. You didn't know until you got there. And I had no earthly idea who he was.

Did you ever feel like you were being manipulated?

No. Not when I was there. It was only after. And I was like, "I'm so dumb."

How did you figure it out after the fact?

You just did. For instance, they were like, "You're really the only one that hasn't talked to Jesse and he doesn't think you like him." They're like, "You need to go talk to him and be more affectionate and stuff, because everyone has kissed him but you." So we went on this date, this Habitat for Humanity date, and he was talking to me and saying all this stuff like, "I wish I could spend more time with you." Well, they don't show that. They don't show that part. So, we're talking by the fireplace and all I did was touch his chest a little bit. I'm kind of scratching his arm, being sweet. That's it. But they make it look like I'm creepy-clawing him. Because they zoom in on my hand, super close. But it was not creepy at all. And so then I was known as the creepy claw girl everywhere I went. It was horrible.

They don't care about you. You have a false sense that they do when you're there, but of course they don't.

What did the show do for your self-esteem? Did it have a lasting impact?

Well, I mean, I barely left my house for the longest time. Because I was on it long enough to get recognized everywhere I went. And, again, they'd be like, "It's the creepy girl." And so I was very embarrassed by that. I freakin' moved — I moved far away — soon after that. I just wanted a fresh start.

You moved from San Antonio—

San Antonio to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And it wasn't all because of that, but it was definitely one of the many factors of why I did that.

How did your coworkers respond, given that it was through your job this opportunity came up?

Well, after that, the writing was on the wall that I needed to go find another job. I was at a very prestigious, large law firm. They were fine with me going on the show, but I just didn't look professional; it wasn't good for them. I wanted to leave that firm anyway, don't worry about that. But no, it was definitely not a good thing for my career, certainly not.

How did your family take it?

My parents were completely humiliated, and my mom was like, "I can't even show my face at church." It was all-around very bad.

Did you watch the show?

No. I only watched the first two episodes. They call you and tell you what is coming. They tell you the plot so you know. So when [Sarah] said [in the New Yorker article] that I called her the next day and said, "You ruined my life" — well, you can't call them. You don't have their phone number. She called me. And they tell you what is going to happen, and so then I was crying and was like, "You're ruining my life."

And what did she say to you?

Nothing. I think from the article she felt bad about it.

Do you forgive her?

Yeah. I'm glad she feels bad about it. It was really mean stuff that she was saying. I'm the furthest thing from a perfect person, but I'm way, almost too nice, and so I'm very, very sensitive. And she really hurt my feelings, terribly.

My parents were completely humiliated and my mom was like, 'I can't even show my face at church.' It was all-around very bad.

Do you think the show redeems her?

Again, I've only watched it a couple of times. But [it sounds like] she had a realization that she was very pro-women and a feminist even, and then she finally woke up one day and was like, "I'm destroying women instead of being an advocate for them, and I'm not doing this anymore." A lot of people get caught up and don't ever realize that, and so that's good [that she did].

Do you regret doing the show?

Right after, certainly. But I made two really good friends from it. So I wouldn't take that away for anything. The rest of it is a funny story to tell at a party to make everyone laugh.

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Patti Greco Writer Patti Greco is a freelance writer and editor based in Brooklyn.

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