N. John Shore Jr.

Editor's note: "A Shore Thing" is a new advice column. Readers' questions are welcomed; see note below.

Question: I sometimes eat at a sports bar across the street (Hickory Tavern). Lately, inevitably, there will be some guy in there, loudly monologuing, at what I call "bully volume,” on politics, begging to be challenged. The problem? I love a challenge, hate bullies, and want to eat in peace. The idea of me having to move tables really rubs me the wrong way, and it doesn't seem nice to ask a server to intervene. Any ideas on how to diffuse this without getting punched in the face?

Sincerely,

I Like Nachos, Not Machos.

Answer: Dear “I like nachos, not machos”:

Har! Awesome nom de signature! The best.

Anyway, next time you go alone to the tavern, bring headphones. There’s nothing like music plugged directly into your head to avoid having to go to jail for suddenly lunging at someone while brandishing a mozzarella stick. (Oh, except you’re at Hickory Tavern: so, while brandishing a lobster roll.) If you’re not alone, enjoy good times as you and your companion make totally immature facial expressions by way of conveying to one another your mutual disdain for Mr. Bullhorn. If you’re at the tavern with someone you can’t have that kind of fun with, why?

Question: When it comes to one-way friendships, how does one decide when enough is enough? I have a good friend of almost 20 years. He has always had a serious problem with drugs, and so I try to check in regularly. In the past couple of years, when things are rosy and life is good, he doesn't return calls/texts. But when his life is falling apart, I'm the only guy he can call (he really doesn't have any friends). These are gut-wrenching calls that can park a dark cloud over my head for days or weeks. Were I to tell him all this, I will, most likely, not hear from him again. Part of me just feels used. The other part of me believes in unconditional love, and this a friend who needs that. Thoughts?

Answer: A love between friends that goes only one way inevitably hits a dead end. We very much tend to love unconditionally our children, siblings, parents, and maybe our spouse. But we don’t love our friends unconditionally. We choose our friends; and if our friends don’t choose to treat us the way friends should, we unchoose them. Your friend is not being a good friend to you. He is, clearly, using you. There’s a reason you’re his only “friend.” Talk to him, one time: tell him what you’ve told me here. If he doesn’t apologize, and right away change how he treats you — if he doesn’t start showing you the respect friends naturally show one another — then let that relationship die. We all deserve to have real friends, not “friends” who only act like friends when doing so works for them.

Email your questions to John@NJohnShoreJr.com. All questions are published anonymously and may be edited for brevity or clarity. Mr. Shore also writes, exclusively for Citizen-Times.com, “Ashes to Asheville,” an ongoing, real-time serial novel (and podcast) set in Asheville. A new installment of “Ashes” is published online every Thursday morning.