We all know the story. Ted Haggard had it all. He was the pastor of the New Life megachurch in Colorado Springs, CO, the Christian fundamentalist’s Mecca, and president of the politically influential National Council of Evangelicals. In the latter capacity, he participated in weekly phone conferences with White House staff.

It all came crashing down last November amidst allegations that ol’ Teddy had been getting tuned up on methamphetamine and boinking a male hooker for the preceding three years. Four evangelical preachers were appointed to oversee Ted’s spiritual rehabilitation.

After several weeks of intensive counseling, Haggard came to the conclusion in February 2007 that “he is completely heterosexual.” Thank goodness for that! We’re not entirely sure why he shoved his dick up that dude’s ass, but it most definitely did NOT have anything to do with gayness.

Today’s Rocky Mountain News reports that Haggard and his family are now living at the Phoenix Dream Center, a halfway house for recovering drug addicts, hookers, ex-cons, etc. affiliated with an Assemblies of God church in Phoenix, AZ. Ted says the pastor asked him to “counsel” male residents of the halfway house and teach a “group” every now and then.

Ted also sent this email to a reporter for KRDO-TV, the ABC affiliate in Colorado Springs. Haggard advised that he and his wife, Gayle, are back in school. Gayle is after an undergrad degree in psychology and Ted is pursuing an MS in counseling.

Ted’s email is bereft of mention that: (1) New Life Church paid him $138,000 when he resigned last November; and (2) he and his wife still own real property in Colorado Springs valued at $715,000. But never mind that shit. The point is that Ted and his wife are full-time students and won’t be able to support themselves for the next couple of years, so they need help from the faithful. Haggard informed the KRDO reporter that folks who want to give him money can sent it to a private mail service address in Scottsdale.

Ever the thoughtful Christian, Ted considered that some of the brethren might be seeking a way to make their donations tax deductible. For them Haggard suggested making donations to the Colorado Springs post office box of an outfit called Families with a Mission. All one need do, Ted says, is specify that the donation is for the Haggards. Families with a Mission will send ninety percent of the donated money to Ted and Gayle, keeping ten percent to cover administrative expenses.

Trouble is, Families with a Mission is operated by a twice-convicted sex offender named Paul Gerard Huberty.

Mike Ware, pastor of the evangelical Victory Church in Westminster, CO and head of the four-preacher crew charged with Haggard’s restoration, is more than a little miffed over Teddy Boy using a sexual predator’s organization to raise funds. Ware is on his way to Arizona tomorrow to get a face-to-face explanation from Haggard.

You’re a bad, bad, completely heterosexual bitch, Ted. Prepare for your spanking.