Illustration by Julia Barzizza

As a single female resident of the Bay Area who’s in her later 30s, I agree with Alana Massey’s sentiments, expressed in her article “The Dickonomics of Tinder,” that “dick is abundant and low value.”[1] I also believe that I’m not having enough orgasms. Bone up, boys! In the meantime, the person with the skills, commitment and attention to detail necessary to make me cum is me. Literotica stories and my impossibly cute Japanese vibrator added value to my taco saucing, but I needed to try something new.

A British guy named Essemoh Teepee, who sounds like a kinkier (probably) Simon Schama, has created something spanking new for alternative erotic pleasure. A former science educator, the 50-something Essemoh was inspired to write erotic fiction after reading a concupiscent nouveau vampire book. His new audio project, Directed Erotic Visualization (DEV), is a collaboration with eSensual Books colleague Genevieve Ash. It’s a sort of sensual hypnosis, like mindfulness-based meditation combined with a dirty book.

Officially, DEV is “A form of words, a protocol that aids relaxation and the capacity to fantasize in terms of sensory experience. The protocols use erotic and sexually charged imagery and vocabulary to build a subjective sexual experience with a view to generating an orgasmic response.” Essemoh and Genevieve aim to put you in the thick cock of things — immersed, touching and tasting.

There are other audio erotic products available — Down N Dirty, JuicyPeach and Sultry Stories, to name a few. However, DEV is unique. According to the company, one-third of female listeners have reported experiencing a “very satisfying” hands-free orgasm. The remaining two-thirds feel “aroused” or “de-stressed.” I contacted Ms. Ash and shared my sexual preferences and fantasies, and she emailed me a curated selection of links. My audio experiences came from categories such as TripleXXX and Lesbian Lovers. I was told to practice, practice, practice.

For the next couple of weeks, I cozied up in bed with my iPhone. I didn’t use headphones, wait for nightfall or set the mood in any particular way. I just grabbed my Astroglide (just in case) and pressed Play. I listened to Mine to Use, Dr. Do Me, Dragon Sexxx, Cwtch (Welsh for “cuddle”), Original, Sweet Spot, Rain on Me, Working Hard, Taken Hard and Classic DEV. All the audios began with a blend of meditation, visualization and suggestion techniques. I was asked to relax, breathe and count down, and was introduced to my environment with description and sound. Ever so slowly it was suggested that I was becoming aroused. What follows are some highlights from my experience, presented track by track.

TripleXXX — Dragon Sexxx

Are you a Game of Thrones fan? Does the bigger, bad-boy Drogan, the dragon scion of Daenerys, fascinate you? Valahd (Dothraki for “Giddyup”)! I chose Dragon Sexxx for my non-human audio experience, even though the tantalizing tagline for the Octopussy track is “She wasn’t bathing alone …” For my first time, I got an earful. My guide, Essemoh (dragon pimp), led me down, down, down into the bowels of a castle, laid me on an altar and warmed me up. He penetrated me anally, orally and vaginally. He said, “Cum!” and I came. I came so many times. No, not really.

Then he tied me up with something silken, and I waited. I heard some claws skittering across the stone floor and was soon introduced to the dragon by way of its long, steamy, twisty forked tongue (GOT vibrator?). After my dragon oral, it flapped its wings to position itself to fuck me. The dragon fucked me with what you can imagine was a very large, very hot meat stick.

My guide commanded, “Cum hard for my dragon!” and “Make my dragon cum inside you!” I’m a “good girl,” so I did as I was told. Luckily for me, the dragon breathed his orgasm fire just above my head, charring the wall and not roasting my face. Overall, I’d say the dragon sex was hot, literally. But I was left wondering if I could be the next Mother of Dragons, as no heat-resistant prophylactics were used.

Lesbian Lovers — Rain on Me

I thought Rain on Me might be about watersports; and since scientists concluded this year that female ejaculate is mostly urine, it kind of is. (It’s about squirting.) This audio track was a noisy one. Orgasmic onomatopoeia included the sound that labia may make when opening, something like a suction cup being pulled away from what it’s been suctioning. Phooot! There were kissing sounds, fake orgasm sounds and tapping, smacking and slapping sounds from cunt contact. The lady voice, Jezebel, said, “Smell my arousal!” Huh? She also said, “Maybe you need to use the restroom, but that’s not what this is about.” Whaaaaat? I wish I was familiar enough with G-spot stimulation to know whether it’s more about pleasure and less about peeing.

Both of these selections made me laugh instead of cum. I did, however, become very aroused after listening to many of the audios, including Mine to Use, Dr. Do Me, Sweet Spot, Taken Hard and Classic DEV, which were more “traditional” (anal sex, bondage, etc.). I didn’t experience a hands-free orgasm but masturbated to multiple intense climaxes after listening.

Impossible Lovers (Men) — Come for Me and Working Hard

Working Hard is a sexy secretary fantasy for men. Jezebel, the female voice, sounds clinical. She has a sinister laugh. I hated the similarly lecherous laugh in the male-voiced audios. “Henh henh henh, here I cum.” Nope.

In audios for both female and male listeners, there is an emphasis on safety. You’ll hear quite often, “It’s OK; you’re perfectly safe.” My LCSW friend, Clem, reviewed Working Hard and said, “Feeling relaxed and safe is not consistent with how lots of people experience their arousal. A better narrative might convey more agitation, an intrusive hunger or even an itch that can be satisfied only by deep touching, licking and smelling (with voice inflections consistent with losing oneself).” For the bargain price of $10 (DEV audios are about $15), I’ll read his text aloud to you and probably get you off better than Jezebel can.

I totally broke the rules with Come for Me, a free, straightforward penetrative audio meant for a man’s solo pleasure. I turned it into a couple’s experience by following Jezebel’s narrative-like directions. I’m single, so I recruited a friend. In the audio, Jezebel went from rubbing her partner’s back (he’s relaxed) straight into a rim job (my tongue in his butthole). It was broad daylight, and we giggled a few times, but it was fun. It turned very hot. I’d recommend using these audio experiences in this way.

I had fun and was happy to be getting myself off instead of relying on the Bay Area’s abundant but low-value dick. Despite what were in my opinion the shortcomings of the DEV audios, I felt like high-value pussy because I treated myself to a few laughs and some great orgasms on my own terms. After all, May is Masturbation Month. Enjoy!

[1] Alana Massey was quoting writer and lawyer Madeleine Holden’s 2014 tweet.