This week opens at the end of Peter’s conversation with Hannah B. She tells Peter that she thinks he made the wrong decision in letting him go and he invites her to stay in the house. This is all manufactured drama by the producers, and it’s completely pointless. Any number of interviews with this cast should have let them know to roll the ball out and let the girls play, but I’m not a network executive.

In the end Peter tells Hannah B. that he “can’t do this” and nearly an hour of this show and our lives have been wasted on this nonsense when we could’ve been getting to know the women that matter, or just not watching The Bachelor.

Peter gathers the women on the “date” to debrief them about what he talked about with Hannah B. He apologizes to them and tells them that the date is off. So he essentially invited these women out and made them sit in a cold theater while he nuzzled his ex backstage. This guy is a piece of shit. Natasha doesn’t let him off easy and confronts him about how rude it was to the rest of the women.

That night, the women from the “date” gather at a random mansion to drink. They’re all rightfully bitching about Peter but none of them have the self-respect to pack their stuff and leave. Natasha isn’t here for Peter’s shit and he tries to play the victim, which she unfortunately seems willing to accept. She deserves kudos for calling him out to his face, though.

Back with the other women, Mykenna plays the female misogynist and tells the other women to move on. Sydney, to her credit, dives right back in and keeps shit talking Peter. At this point I’m thinking there’s a good chance a woman leaves the show voluntarily if he keeps acting like a chode.

Syndey takes her one on one time and mumbles her way through her biography. She sounds like a thirteen year old on Xanax and to be honest, I don’t think there’s much there with her. She has to remind him about things that she told him the first night. I get that there are a lot of women here but Peter really is an awful man. They kiss and Peter gives her the group date rose because he knows an easy target when he sees one.

Back at the house, the women from the date fill the rest of the women in on the drama that happened on their date. None of them seem particularly happy to see Peter when he eventually arrives. He apologizes to the women and Mykenna nods along like the embarrassment to the 21st century woman that she is. Mark it down: she will absolutely let her future husband rampantly cheat on her and put 100% of the blame on herself.

Lexi takes some alone time with Peter and, like with Sydney, he needs her to remind him about basic facts about her. I’ve completely turned on this guy. After retelling her biography to Peter, Lexi makes out with him because she doesn’t respect herself in the slightest.

While Lexi is degrading herself, Kelsey tells Kiarria, Tammy, and Deandra about a bottle of champagne she brought from home specifically for Peter. She sets it by the outdoor fireplace with lit candles and stalks around waiting for her opportunity to grab Peter. Instead of being proactive, she whines to other girls about it and gets increasingly drunk and angry.

She invites Mykenna to have “a chat” and tells her it isn’t cool that Mykenna talked to Peter. At this point Kelsey is slugging rose and slurring her way through confronting Mykenna about “disrespecting her.” Kelsey ends their “chat” by saying she doesn’t like snakes because “they’re a really stupid animal” while holding back tears. Takes one to know one, you washed up rural Midwestern hayseed.

Peter takes Madison aside and she laughs and flops around like she’s rolling on really good molly. He gives her a framed picture of them with his family from their date last episode. She is crushing this. She’s our clear cut number one and I don’t think it’s close. I know this is reality tv but you don’t give a woman a picture of y’all with your family unless you see a future there.

After her confrontation with Mykenna, Alayah is fixing Kelsey’s makeup and she tells the other girls that she’s waiting to grab Peter. WHY?! You’re drunkenly raging about someone taking Peter from you and now you just laze around the house while other women go off with him. THE CLOCK IS TICKING KELSEY.

Hannah Ann and Peter find Kelsey’s champagne and candles and assume they’re one of the countless champagne bottles that the producers leave in every area of the house to keep the women lubed up. They pop Kelsey’s special champagne within earshot of Kelsey and a few other women. Kelsey starts crying and I. AM. HOWLING.

Kelsey walks over and sees them drinking her champagne and runs into the house having a complete breakdown as Peter and Hannah Ann are left wondering what in the hell she’s freaking out about. Peter attempts to talk to Kelsey while Tammy explains to Hannah Ann why Kelsey is upset.

Kelsey confronts Hannah Ann about the “champagne I brought from Des Moines” and she’s not really selling me on the importance of this champagne. “Champagne from Des Moines” sounds as important to me as “pizza from Chicago” or “barbecue from anywhere outside of the Carolinas.” Hannah Ann tells Kelsey that she had no idea it was her champagne and I believe her. Hannah Ann is wicked but she doesn’t view Kelsey as a threat because Kelsey has been completely irrelevant to this point in the show. Honestly, I couldn’t have told you her name until this scene.

Peter and Kelsey walk off to talk and Kelsey immediately knocks over another bottle of champagne that the producers have staged in the courtyard. Kelsey asks Peter to open it and things seem to be settling down. He asks if she needs a glass or if she just wants to drink from the bottle and she takes the bottle because she’s “not a classy bitch all the time.” It’s unclear when she’s planning on ever being a classy bitch. She takes a huge gulp and it spews all over her face and forehead. Peter is laughing and I’m in tears.

Hannah Ann attempts to settle things with Kelsey but she’s not hearing it. Kelsey tells Hannah Ann “you don’t walk up to something that’s lit and a champagne bottle and think that’s for you” (Exact quote). First of all Kelsey, everyone else in this country follows the gospel of DJ Paul of Three Six Mafia: You leave your drink around me, believe your drink gon’ get drunk up.

This is off-topic but there are only a handful of modern songs that should be locked into a wedding playlist and this is one of them. It’s one of the few songs that anyone between 25 and 35 can nail and it’s impossible to dance badly to. Just wait until after the Olds leave.

Hannah Ann is handling this as well as she possibly can. She’s telling Kelsey that she “acknowledges her feelings,” which is about as nice of a way as Hannah Ann can tell her that she’s acting insane.

This confrontation is abruptly interrupted by the rose ceremony where Lauren, Courtney, and Payton are eliminated.

Peter asks Kelsey to give a toast, she refuses but Hannah Ann steps up. She might not have meant to drink Kelsey’s champagne but she knows that she has Kelsey rattled and she’s going to crush her.

The next morning Tammy and Kelley are recapping the drama and HOLY SHIT Kelley looks like a completely different person in the morning than when she’s put together. I’m not passing any judgement but…

These are supposed to be the same people but I’m not buying it.

Madison brings in a date card inviting Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F, Kelsey, and Hannah Ann to “let your personalities shine.” They board a party bus that takes them to Revolve, which is apparently a cool clothing store that features stuff that a drag queen would set aside for being too tacky. They’re met by Carson Kressly, of Queer Eye fame; Janice Dickinson, a doughy rock monster who I’m told was once a model; and “Bryssa Jerona” or something, a brand officer from Revolve who is on camera for unknown reasons.

The women are told to pick two outfits to model, one for daywear and one for nightwear. The winner will receive everything in the “Revolve Closet” as a gift. I don’t know anyone who would willingly wear this trash and 90% of my friends are burnouts who don’t give a fuck and loud gays who give even fewer fucks.

Hannah Ann picks a hat that makes her look like a taxi driver in an Eastern European porn.

Victoria F. is (rightfully) panicking about being overshadowed by the other women. Carson Kressly announces the rules of the event: the women will model both outfits they chose and two women will move to the final round where one will be declared the winner.

Mykenna’s outfit makes her look like an extra from a mall scene in season three of Stranger Things.

Hannah Ann comes out in a wedding dress and looks incredible. It’s such a flex and the women are once again reminded that they’re not in her class.

For the nightwear portion, Hannah Ann debuts her full Eastern European Porn Star get-up and it’s everything I had imagined and more. If you asked a twelve year old boy what “sexy” is, Hannah Ann would have knocked it out of the park.

Victoria F. comes out in a trench coat and removes it to reveal lingerie underneath. She kisses Peter on the runway and whether intentional or not, she’s positioning herself as a fan favorite. Throughout the episode we’re allowed to listen in on conversations between the producers and Victoria F, which is an appreciated fourth wall break that they really should do more.

Carson Kressly and Anaphylactic Shock Caitlyn Jenner pick Hannah Ann and Victoria F. as finalists. Hannah Ann destroys Victoria F. in their walk off, as expected while Victoria F. has a breakdown backstage.

The women and Peter reconvene at a bar or chandelier factory or something and Hannah Ann is still wearing her dress from the “walk off” with Victoria F. It could be chalked up to not having time between changing venues but Vicoria F. had time to completely change her look so I think it’s Hannah Ann’s way of displaying her kill like a soldier in Vietnam with jewelry made out of ears.

Hannah Ann smells blood in the water, particularly when Kelsey comes back to the group gloating after having one on one time with Peter. Hannah Ann goes for the jugular and describes Kelsey as a bully (she probably is, but they both are) and Peter seems legitimately pissed. She smirks as she kisses him, well aware that she just ended Kelsey.

Back with the women, Kelsey keeps gloating as Natasha rubs a fuzzy pillow. Jesus, are all of these women rolling? Peter gives Victoria F. the group date rose and while the other women are upset, they’re not really threatened by her.

Peter pulls Kelsey aside after giving Victoria F. the rose and brings up Hannah Ann being bullied by her. He tells Kelsey that he behavior isn’t okay and Kelsey cries while telling Peter that she doesn’t like Hannah Ann and that Hannah Ann is two-faced. She’s right but this is a losing battle for her and I’m pretty sure she knows she’s in over her head.

The episode ends with Kelsey rejoining the other women and outing Hannah Ann as a snitch. She sobs and storms into the bathroom while Hannah Ann stares blankly to not give the game away. Also, Alexa is asleep because Alexa rules.

Awkward DVR Pause of the Week

When the champagne hits.