I AM DOMINATE.

This phrase has become a bit of a joke within the kink community, based on individuals making this (grammatically incorrect) statement on kinky social networking sites. The profile where you will find this short, defiant statement will likely also be filled with other “twue” and inflexible declarations about what an awesome Dominate they are.

Proper spelling and grammar aren't required to be a good dominant but it does help! There are definitely more important things and they all come from the inside out.

Good domination is based in confidence, not arrogance. Confidence and having self-control is sexy. Arrogance and being rude is a turn off. Which do you want to be?

It is up to you what “type” of dominant you are; sensual, stern, teasing, nurturing or any other style. One style isn’t better than another it’s just matters how you feel most comfortable. Play around and see what feels the most inspiring way for you to enjoy being dominant. It’s much more important for you to find an expression of dominance that you relate to than behaving in some pre-described, cliché way.

Being self-aware is also key to being a good dominant. Don’t expect anyone else to bow to you (in scene or in life) if you can’t take a good hard look at why you want them to do so.

Are you insecure and in need of reassurance of your worth? Do you feel chaotic in your life and want to have some kind of deliberate authority over someone or something? Does being in control make you feel erotic and powerful?

There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer – unless it turns into an abusive situation, which is a whole different level of engagement. No matter what it is, figure out where your motivation is coming from. That inner-dialogue has to continue out loud – at least some form of it – with your partner and hopefully they will share their own inner dialogue about their experience.

Communication is vital, no matter the power dynamic. Even if you live a 24/7 D/s relationship there has to be time and space for all individuals to share their needs and desires candidly. It is possible to accomplish this in any relationship, if you’re willing to find whatever form of communication works best for you. There are a lot of ways to communicate; in person, on the phone, email, texts and hand written journals are all options depending your comfort level.

Consistency is also helpful for many reasons, mainly in building trust. When you are worthy of being trusted, you are worthy of someone submitting to you. Being genuinely trusted allows a dominant to explore the depths of their willing submissive in a healthy, positive way. Being trustworthy has a lot to do with knowing your own motivations & limits, so you can guide your submissive through theirs.

Don’t ever dominate out of anger. Ever. It’s the surest path to being abusive. Take a time out, and wait until you’re only moderately annoyed. Again, if you can’t control yourself you have absolutely no business being in charge of someone else.

Finally, don’t take yourself too seriously! Remember that we’re all human, it’s ok for you to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and don’t get overly worked up about it. It’s ok for your submissive to make mistakes too, you’re both learning and growing and experimenting and experiencing.