Jason is currently working on an M.A. and finding new ways to annoy cats.

Want to annoy your cant? No judgement here. Here's five easy ways! Photo by Pixabay on Pexels

Annoying Cats

Let's face it: that cute, furry, and cuddly beast known as the domestic house cat can be a domestic pain in the arse. If you "own" one, you know exactly what I mean. They don't come when called, they stand on your head at 6:00 in the morning mewling to be fed, and they are constantly trying to escape the confines of your home, despite the ridiculously lavish lifestyle they enjoy.

Cats follow the beat of a different drummer. In cats, you won't find the unswerving obedience so prevalent in the canine. With dogs, you can change behavior with a simple system of discipline and reward, but with cats, you'll have to be much more creative. If you catch your cat on the dinner table, squirting it with water will merely ensure a sneakier approach to their malfeasance in the future, and if you reward them with a treat for good conduct, they will simply be twice as annoying the next time you open whatever cupboard the treat is stored in.

Vesuvius, after a serious bout of aggravation.

How to Exact Your Revenge

So what is a human to do, faced by such an indomitable adversary, one that feigns complete apathy in face of your sheer annoyance? It's simple: Fight fire with fire. Adopt the maturity level of a five-year-old and heap infantile levels of obnoxious behavior on your cat.

It's quite simple, really: for all of its elegant, graceful, and cool posturing, the DHC (domestic house cat) is actually quite fragile in regards to tolerating anything it does not like. While the long-term benefits of annoying your kitty are negligible, they are guaranteed to either a) inspire the DHC to ignore you for the next twenty minutes, b) be really nice (a strange response to being annoyed, but it happens), or c) make you feel good about finally leveling the playing field, no longer being bound by silly concepts such as maturity and human dignity.

There are numerous, almost limitless ways to bother a house cat, and it's up to you to find those particular things that really grate your own furball. But extensive research has shown the five listed here to be extremely effective in getting under a cat's skin. Feel free to experiment with variations so as to optimize the levels of aggravation you can achieve for your little pal, and most importantly, have fun. If you think for an instant that that little bologna loaf isn't loving every minute of attacking your big toe while you sleep, think again.

1. Forced Affection

It is a bizarre aspect of their countenance. No matter how much a cat may like affection, they are absolutely repulsed by it when it's not on their terms. Whiskers may be asking to be petted all day long, but as soon as you force any sort of concern for his happiness upon him, Whiskers will immediately lose all interest.

This funny quirk can be used greatly to your advantage. The primary subject of my annoyance studies, Vesuvius, has displayed high levels of aggravation during forced affection tests, and it is my belief that this is one of your greatest weapons in the war of bothering each other. Simply pick up your cat, lie down on your couch or bed, and completely envelop her in your arms, essentially smothering her in affection. To really enhance the obnoxiousness of this, maybe sing an extremely stupid song, replacing the majority of words with your cat's name, or repeat a completely ridiculous sentence in a whiny, high-pitched voice that sounds like the guy on that beer commercial: "Who's got a furry little moustache?"

Your cat will hate you for at least ten minutes, until he forgets. He will then resume all annoying activities like missing the litter box or lying down directly on top of whatever you happen to be reading.

A visibly annoyed cat: Mission accomplished!

2. Extreme Disappointment

While my little Vesuvius has a gigantic heart, she also has a stomach that's even bigger. Sadly, she has been on a diet for the majority of her life, but the poor little critter's metabolism just can't burn away the chubbiness. Needless to say, the prime point of annoyance for the munchkin involves her desire for food. Her perpetual state of hunger, coupled with her insatiable desire to vocalize every trivial desire, is a recipe for my insanity.

Fortunately, I've found a way to counter the effects of madness by employing concept number two: Extreme Disappointment.

Simply wait for the victim's mealtime, preferably when she is indicating a desire for food. Take out the source of sustenance (whether it be a bag, pouch, or Tupperware container), open it, feign excitement so as to increase the animal's own zeal, and then give her one piece of food.

Just one.

When I employ this tactic, the expression on Vesuvius's face is priceless: disbelief, desperation, and utter contempt all mixed into one. Of course, I only let this go on for about a minute, but that's all that is necessary. This gives her this message: I'm the food master, and if you don't like it, go eat a rodent. (If only she cared...sigh.)

3. Refused Victory

This one is simple, really. If your cat likes to play (mine rarely shows interest), simply refuse to let them win. Laser pointers are perfect in this regard since from the outset, victory is impossible; the cat cannot get the red dot. But other, more traditional toys are applicable as well, especially when attached to a string. For as long as the cat will allow, just keep the toy well out of reach. A cat will generally only fight for so long when there is no obvious reward or attainment of the target. And then, hopefully, they will ignore you for ten minutes, until they forget about the whole painful affair and go do something obnoxious like barfing on the carpet or peeing on your $800 Turkish rug (true story; it's a wonder she's still alive).

Kittens are an exception to this rule, but I guess none of these rules apply to kittens, as they really can't grasp the subtle nuances of the power struggle between man and feline. Besides, who would want to annoy a kitten?

What are you, psycho?

4. Sudden Movement

I know, this is extremely bratty and adolescent, but I can't help it. When Vesuvius unsuspectingly strolls by, minding her own business and probably wrapped up in some daydream involving fresh fish and sparkly toys, I can't help but be amused by the two-foot vertical launch produced by my moving my foot a mere three inches.

I refuse to grow up.

While bordering on idiocy, dressing your cat in kung fu costumes is in fact an extremely gratifying activity for vexing the hell out of your cat, as evidenced here by Sir Snagglesworth III.

5. Complete Humiliation

At risk of appearing insane, I unveil the fifth and most powerful tool in the arsenal of annoyance: Dressing your cat up in costumes!

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I sew miniature dresses and sun hats and make her sit through tea parties with a host of stuffed animals (and if that sounds appealing to you, by all means, seek professional help). No, my invention of this particular tactic was inspired by a book. Basically, the book is a kung fu epic, set in feudal Japan, a storyline augmented by photos of the characters in totally awesome kung fu costumes. My parents, who have four cats, were gracious enough to allow complete exploitation of kitty dignity while I visited last summer.

It's not surprising a cat hates—nay, loathes—being dressed up like a ninja and forced to hold miniature nunchucks. In fact, the whole endeavor proved to be so difficult I had to give up. Damn prima donnas.

Regardless, the photoshoot wasn't a complete waste of time. I got some hilarious shots and found that for bugging your cat, nothing compares to Complete Humiliation.

(Oh, and don't get any crazy ideas about stealing my phenomenal book idea, it's copyrighted.)

Do realize that your cat may, on rare occasions, embrace their kung fu alter ego, as is displayed here by Vesuvius, aka Lotus Blossom, who was actually quite content with her absurdly awesome costume. Note the look of contemplative serenity.

In closing, I must say that there is a fine line between annoyance and plain cruelty. If the bothering goes on for an extended amount of time, or if you are experiencing a disproportionate sense of satisfaction from it, maybe you shouldn't have a cat. Or maybe they just really deserve it.

Bear in mind that a dog, in almost any case, will gleefully accept any of the above annoyances with gratitude and excitement. If that's what you're looking for, consider procuring "man's best friend." Obviously, "man's occasionally interested but mostly just barely tolerant acquaintance" is not for you.

How Do You Annoy Your Cat?

More Annoying Cat Ideas

This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. It is not meant to substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, or formal and individualized advice from a veterinary medical professional. Animals exhibiting signs and symptoms of distress should be seen by a veterinarian immediately.

katelyn on June 12, 2020:

i always throw water at my cat.sometimes i hit him with my phone

Sabella on April 12, 2020:

My cat stalks birds on my window sill so all I have to do is repeat her name again and again. In the end she jumps down and goes under the bed to hide.

I don’t do this all the time either, it would be flat out abuse!

The person below me has no name on February 25, 2020:

Tactic uno numero! I mean how can it be cruel to show your fluffball affection, it's pure love.

A credit to the author that a decade on the article is still being enjoyed. Timeless piece.

But echoing others, tape on paws is crossing the line.

My new name is no name on December 27, 2019:

This is harsh

Do I need a name on October 15, 2019:

I like to hug them untill they start meowing and scratching.

Adam Faulkner on August 20, 2019:

I touch their feet they don’t like it

Hattie101 on February 14, 2019:

I do all of the above

Hooman on January 28, 2019:

I just like to annoy them when they sleep sometimes, I can't help myself.

cat lover on October 24, 2018:

if you do these things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, he or she won't like you as much in the first place, plus it just abusing your cat. it is okay I guess to do it to your cat a few times a week or so but don't do it to much. I'm just saying...

Kamie Juble on October 04, 2018:

I tickle his feet with a feather toy

Jim Wise on October 04, 2018:

I make fun of their fat rolls. I repeatedly poke them. I kiss them on their little noses. I point out their pink toes. I tell them that I am going to cashew!

Foxx on September 28, 2018:

I just boop her lil toe beans and she grumpily rolls (yes "rolls") away from me.

leeazu on September 15, 2018:

I just repeatedly poke my cat.

GeckoHiker on July 04, 2018:

I like to do kissy-face to annoy my cats. They are all fairly laid-back so there's no real danger of losing parts of my own face when I do it. This is done by snatching up an overly-affectionate cat trying to wake me up at 5 am, even though the food and water bowls are always full. I tell them "I'm going to kiss you all over your face!" and then do it, vigorously and with plenty of startling smacking noises. Ten seconds of that is enough to let me sleep in for another 5 minutes.

Bruce Meyer on May 28, 2018:

I imagine all of you being turned into a cat and then doing all of this abusive shit to you guys I can't imagine being a cat and get treated like shit with the justification of I deserve it for acting annoying being locked up in a giants house

James cat named Love on May 21, 2018:

Cat loves to complain,take parts of songs and make it about them

Leigh-Anne on May 20, 2018:

I am quadriplegic, I can't use water sprayer, I figured out that Ruby (my kitten) doesn't like bubbles sounds. So, when he gets up on the table, I blow bubbles from the glass of water and then he jumps down fast! Finally!!

Kami on February 18, 2018:

I poke Kami at certain parts of her lateral abdominal area and she does a not-quite-bite response. We'll be playing or I'll be petting her and do this. She doesn't get mad; it's just something she doesn't quite like but sometimes doesn't mind at all. She was an adult rescue so I will never know. Cats do have and enjoy their human with a sense of humor. I've been around cats for over 50 years. Believe me, they have pulled some stunts/tricks on me!

Cat's Name:Fergie on February 07, 2018:

If she bothers me, I like to block her way with my hands. I don't push her, she just backs up. Eventually she gets angry and starts yelling at me. Once I'm satisfied I let her go.

Hannah on December 13, 2017:

This is hilarious! My boyfriend and I love annoying our kitten because she is just able to dish it right back creating a cycle of annoyance. Here's a good idea, tie something on their tail and watch the confusion and anger unfold. A good object to the on would be as simple as some yarn and a plastic milk ring, or a small soft toy. Also incessant mewling to mock theirs always creates some kind of confusion.

Tiff on November 21, 2017:

Uhhh some things in these comments are borderline abuse, like squeezing your cat to make it meow and putting tape on its feet... please don't do that, that's actually harmful to your cat's health

Tonja on September 12, 2017:

Wrap a rubber band snugly (not tight) around the tip of your cats tail.

Tonja on September 12, 2017:

Put tape on all four paw pads

suitedzombie on April 27, 2017:

I like squeezing my cat to make it meow

Kurj on April 10, 2017:

Packing tape is being used to keep the cat off the counter. Doesn't always work, but when it does work, it's like watching a tv show with the cat trying to get the tape off of her. Cheers kitty kitty!!

Abhaque Supanjang on December 05, 2016:

Marvelous, Jason...! I enjoy your writing here. There are still many other ways to keep our togetherness with our cats, but things that you have exposed are enough..!

Brandon on October 25, 2016:

I read your post and it is amusing. What's more amusing is the people still commenting 8 years after the post. Most cats talked about in this post are likely dead by now or at least very old. Scotch Tape on the paws never gets old for me.

KandieSteel on September 08, 2016:

So I don't understand why but my cat hates hats. But you have to surprise him with it, like hang at it eye level and he flips out. I don't really get it.

Jo on September 02, 2016:

I tried number one and my cat just started purring...

Eryk on August 26, 2016:

My "other" method, that I employ only when nothing else seems to work to modify behaviour, is Crisco or really any other type of shortening. I hate to have my cats get on the the counters or tables, so I spread it and then offer the cat to climb atop. It is really greasy, nasty, and hard to remove the excess grease so the cat feels like it has nastiness all over its paws. Teaches them to avoid such places at all costs. Of course, then I also have to watch out for it, too.

brent on August 10, 2016:

just typing and not petting my cat will annoy her to bits, i get a loud meow letting me know shes there.

Nette on April 13, 2016:

I actually do the forced affection routine I give her kisses, and she allows me to do it until I get the paw on the lips as to say. "ok this has gone far enough"

Lo on February 09, 2016:

These are so great! I also call my cat lily a variety of names, like meow mix and cat dog.. She loves begging and does all sorts of weird things. I also love to annoy her innocently as well, usually with the forced cuddling. I try and make her look at me while like a crazy person I make faces and cross my eyes and make weird noises at her hah she gets so angry at me its awesome. Or I'll shake her bag of treats which sets her running into the room where I've hid under the blankets and won't come out.. As soon as she loses interest I'll shake it again and start the whole thing over. Wow I sound so mean.. But she comes right on back to loving me in ten minutes or so so I guess she forgives me :)

Ylva on April 26, 2015:

I regularly annoy and pester my cat because he is so darned cute, I can't help it! Besides, he annoys me too. Though, he does show love and affection to me (but mostly when he wants food).

PaulLMV on April 04, 2015:

I sprinkle them water in small dosis when they get to annoying while I'm cooking, they hate it so much I don't need to actually do it now, just the saw of me "doing" it makes then run out of the kitchen, really useful when you're handling delicate food!

It's also really useful to correct the kittens when they missbehave! (Sorry for broken english, not my native language)

Lori on March 27, 2015:

Take a piece of bubble gum about a third the size of a BB. Attach it to the longest eye whisker, preferably one that hangs down in front of the cat's eye. The cat will run around like a maniac trying to catch the "bird" that is just always out of it's reach. If you get the piece too big or heavy the cat will feel it and remove it.

Limbo on January 26, 2015:

This is a fantastic article :') Was hoping to learn new ways to annoy my cat but unfortunately I employ all these tactics already xD My favourite by far is sudden movement/noise. My cat is insanely skittish and so when shes just innocently minding her own business, I love to go 'PSST' really loudly and she'll jump three feat in the air :'D It's so great - my mom has also recently been doing this to her too and just can't laugh enough

Ana on January 22, 2015:

In response to Barbara's comment along the upper part...

You clearly have never owned a cat. :)

Barbara on November 03, 2014:

When my cats do something thoroughly obnoxious, like knock glasses of water over or try to pull paintings off the wall to wake me up or for the simple pleasure of annoying me---well, this is what I do: I wait. I wait until the offender goes to sleep and then I stealthily approach him. I slowly proceed to run the tip of my finger very lightly across the whiskers, waiting for a telltale twitch. I repeat this activity until the cat becomes sufficiently annoyed to give me a sense of having achieved vengeance proportionate to the severity of his crime.

blackbird87 on November 01, 2014:

I had a cat, who would always wake me in the buttcrack of dawn by yowling, sitting on my chest, and poking me with his little furry bastard paws to feed him. sometimes I would wait, until after he ate, got comfortable, content and became an adorable curled up ball of heavenly fuzzyness in dream land, and so carefuly I would very gently *boop* his nose, as he did me in the morning, he would move his nose, *boop*, turn around *boop*, look at me with that death glare for a moment, go back to sleep, *boop* get up and leave bed. lol..

peachy from Home Sweet Home on January 24, 2014:

great hub. My cat gets annoyed when i pegged her ears, cover her up with clothes, use twigs or leaves of strings to catch her attention... She is still a great cat.

picus on December 31, 2013:

This is funny. We got a cat for our 5 year old twins over the summer, never owned one before, playfully tormenting the hell out of the thing is oddly satisfying. I guess I can't get over how they have virtually no Pavlovian response to anything. Cats are so frikken dumb! They are the sharp dressed mimbos of the animal kingdom.

ron.gertran on December 16, 2013:

A cat is like a fluffy pillow with thorns.

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on June 09, 2013:

Agreed Appalled, they piss me off too.

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on June 09, 2013:

Ya know Trisha, my cat was super sweet too, and had lots of loyal qualities. Our stereotypes of them may not always be accurate, but they sure are funny!

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on June 09, 2013:

Haha, your comment has me cracking up as well! The Great Foot Hunter. Thanks for stopping by!

new cat owner on June 08, 2013:

Oh man I was cracking up the whole time I read this! I've never had a cat and a friend just gave me a "barn cat" who is "a great hunter" and "always in the barn." Yeah right. If sleeping on my porch all day and attacking my feet every time I step outside qualifies as hunting. I can't walk anywhere with out it trying to "play" with my feet every step! I have resorted to annoying it as well with the excessive affection. Now we are in a war of who can endure the most excessive affection... he's winning.

Trisha on May 25, 2013:

None of these would work on my cat. She is super tolerant, comes when called, stays inside, responds to boundaries set by negative reinforcement, and absolutely does not care what I do to her. The more attention the better is her motto. She speaks in response when I ask where she is, runs to me when called, purrs all the time, and obeys simple commands. Now she won't obey anyone else, and often hisses if anyone else attempts to control her, but my cat doesn't get annoyed at me easily. Sometimes I think she believes she's a strange breed of dog, because she has been known to wag her tail, and copy my dog. My cat is very good, interactive, and obedient.

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on May 18, 2013:

Thanks nArchuleta! Sorry about Eric, apparently he hasn't learned his manners yet.

Nadia Archuleta from Denver, Colorado on May 18, 2013:

You spelled 'you're' wrong, Hater.

Nadia Archuleta from Denver, Colorado on May 16, 2013:

This hub is heeelarious! Lindemann doesn't fall for the laser pointer. My favorite annoyance tactic is kisses on the head - he always gives me that "seriously?" look! Lindemann doesn't know it yet, but he's so getting dressed as his namesake next Halloween!

Appalled on May 05, 2013:

Just saw your reply to my comment. Mine were pretty much directed at the losers who left comments that gave me the impression they were quasi-sadistic assholes. I still think they are, and I stand by my comments!

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on February 25, 2013:

Appalled,

I fully agree with the sentiment that people can, and have, taken this hub the wrong way. There is no NEED to bug an animal implied here, rather there are fun, lighthearted and caring ways to interact with a cat that are in no way intended to be sadistic, manipulative or cruel. However, you are clearly also in that audience of people who've completely misconstrued my intent. I for one love animals, and spent thousands of dollars to try to save Vesuvius from a disease that veterinarians were unable to diagnose. That being said, please refrain from trying to find a parallel between laser lights and forced toothpaste ingestion (something that I too find sickening). Seeing as how I've made it quite clear where I stand on anything resembling cruelty towards animals, stop leaving asinine, ignorant, emotionally driven comments on a hub clearly generated from love and respect for our furry friends. I'd sooner jam toothpaste in your mouth than any cat.

Appalled on February 16, 2013:

After reading these comments I can't help but think that a lot of you are borderline sadists. What's with the need to bug your cat? Sounds kind of sick to me. I think you probably just don't understand cats at all, or else you refuse to accept them as they are.

By the way, putting toothpaste in a cat's mouth to watch it drool is not funny. It's sick. And cruel. I suppose you don't know that a lot of things people can use or ingest will sicken or kill a cat. Well, now you do know that, so why not treat your cat with some respect?

Sheesh.

kchukka on January 11, 2013:

One of my favorites is the perfect follow-up to #1: after picking kitty up to give her some love, act as though you're going to set her down- but pause just before her fuzzy little paws hit the floor. Hold her suspended there for a few moments until she starts to run in place. Each time I do this, after I set her down, she stops and looks up at me with that "seriously: what is wrong with you?" look. :)

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on August 04, 2012:

Holly, that is hilarious! Thanks for commenting. You too Perry!

Perry the Cat from Mouskin, Texas on August 03, 2012:

Your cat must be very smart indeed to figure that out. Perhaps it's time to duct tape the laser to his collar and see what he does.

Holly on August 03, 2012:

One day, my oldest cat found out that the infuriating red dot was actually coming from me. He was chasing it for 10 minutes and gave up. He sat in a huff, then turned and looked at me. He looked at the pointer, then the dot, and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen from a cat ( besides bathing them). It was a look that said, "It was you. It was you the whole time. 14 years of my life..."

Now every time I bring out the pointer, the other cats go nuts trying to kill the dot, and he just sits there staring at me with his tail flicking.

Perry the Cat from Mouskin, Texas on July 18, 2012:

put cellophane under their collars

Amanda on July 18, 2012:

put tape on the bottom of their feet!

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on June 04, 2012:

Thanks JZ, and yes, I totally agree, animals each have their individual traits, and we need to be mindful of these just as we are with each other. My cat has a ridiculously high level of confidence (more like arrogance) and a disproportionate lack of fear, so my intentional annoyances are soon forgotten by her, and thus the battle for dominance continues...

Mkrice on June 02, 2012:

My cat likes to meticulously clean herself often, and it usually takes place right before she settles in for a nap. What I like to do, when I'm feeling like getting her back for constant meowing at 4am, is wait until she's completely finished cleaning herself and then mess up her fur. She gets so annoyed...especially if I continue to do it!

error on May 30, 2012:

hi when i had cat it was scared of a baby tiger toy.. why???

and i used to annoy the cat sometimes like get in its way randomly etc.

i miss it :(

jimmyjim on May 15, 2012:

I use the sudden movement thing all the time and seeing them jump vertically is probably one of the funniest things in the world. Especially since they never learn. They're asking for it! The smother one I've noticed too. I hug my cat when she's meowing, wrap my hand around her head and scratch it (essentially messing up her hair) and kiss her on the other side on her cheek. Every time she jumps off my lap and has to spend the next 5 minutes or so licking herself to get the smell of me off her. So, at least it's 5 minutes of silence. Great article! :D

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on May 13, 2012:

Perry, you speak the truth, and with great hilarity! I especially love this line, "if they aren't insulted they're not having fun." Cats are truly bizarre creatures, which is why I love them so much. I can't say how many times I've annoyed my cat to the point where she is growling at me, only to see her come right back within 30 seconds purring and being sweet. Cats are utterly psychotic, and only by reinventing our whole paradigm on the proper relationship between biological entities can we hope to live in peace with them.

Perry the Cat from Mouskin, Texas on May 13, 2012:

lol, denying food. Our cats have food available 24/7 and I've never had a fat cat.

This is how you play with cats. If they aren't insulted they're not having fun. They are diametrically opposite, polar opposites, different planets from dogs.

If you get a cat and expect to treat it like a dog, you will end up one night after watching the scariest movie you ever saw going to bed, hearing small scratching noises coming from under the bed, seeing the bedroom door move (did it really move, or was it my imagination?) and once you finally drop off into a restless sleep, a huge, shrieking, red-eyed, taloned demon will dig into your chest to drag you to hell. And when you jump out of bed to run away, you will step on every cat toy you ever bought, slipping, falling and smacking your head on the food bowl he dragged in and becoming unconscious.

When you regain consciousness, your feline companion(s) will be up on the bed laughing their tails off.

In the light of this, the above listed techniques are our only defense. They screw with our heads, we have to screw with theirs.

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on May 10, 2012:

Denying food? Excuse me? Did you even read the hub, or were you just so excited to be negative that you skimmed it for any possible reason to complain?

michie on April 30, 2012:

I don't like these. Especially denying food.

Sara on April 12, 2012:

My cat spaz( who truly lives up to his name) loves the laser pointer and has in annoyance begun making noises when chasing it. He clicks.... Then chirps.... But totally knows the pointer comes from my hand as he looks as me as if to say " are we doing this again today?". Love all your tactics. Made me laugh! Thanks

Perry the Cat from Mouskin, Texas on April 07, 2012:

Lol! She falls off the couch. My kinda pet owner.

wynter on April 07, 2012:

This is awesome! I'm dying to find a laser pointer, just to annoy my cats. Well my oldest is a sweetheart so I'll give her a break(since she loves to cuddle with me), but my 2nd oldest is a little rat.

One thing I like to do is, when she jumps on the back of a sofa, I get behind her and lightly pat her on one side of her rump repeatedly, and when she starts to turn, I start patting the other side. The result is an annoyed cat that keeps turning side to side trying to 'bite' and/or claw me. Of course I stop when she falls off the couch. Stangely, even though this annoys the heck out of her, she still purrs when I do it.

Perry the Cat from Mouskin, Texas on March 30, 2012:

ahhh sooooooo

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on March 29, 2012:

I live in fear of the Ninja kitties, Perry. They can strike at anytime and with reckless abandon!

Perry the Cat from Mouskin, Texas on March 28, 2012:

Such a cruel, devious mind you have, sensai. We cats too have ways to make your life difficult. Beware the revenge of the Ninja kitties.

Hai-YAH!

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on March 25, 2012:

I've taken a hiatus from H.pages lately, so lots of thanks are due: Thanks for comments from Amystarr, ricky, Paul, Crazy Kitty Girl, Beans, Vichy, gryphin423, Christina, the Gift of Pen, Joe and Two Patricias! And no, Amy, I'm not a male version of a crazy cat lady. :) Unlike them, I'm content with one cat, I don't sing her songs (often), and I generally just find her, as most animals, very fascinating and interesting. Thanks for reading all!

Amystarr on March 20, 2012:

Based on this article, i would marry you .... but then i have to wonder if you are the male version of crazy catlady? ... just a thought

p.s .. im not a crazy cat lady who actually thinks shes going to marry you ...

ricky on March 20, 2012:

that was very funny and ver y true i have so much and my cat is very scared of me know and she does not try to esapce and anoher thing i am horny and alone

Paul on March 10, 2012:

Laughed all the way through this, thanks :)

Crazy Kitty Girl on March 08, 2012:

love my cat-CANT WAIT 2 TRY THESE OUT ON ER!!!

had enough of getting HER way!!!

Beans on January 25, 2012:

Mine gets daily compulsory hugs

Vichy on January 22, 2012:

If you get a male neutered ragdoll they are actually very quite, tolerant and pretty much living pillows.

gryphin423 from Florida on October 10, 2011:

Wow, that was great. I have three cats of my own and can identify with each subject. Well, okay, not the costumes. You are hysterical. Off to read some more of your hubs...

christina on August 29, 2011:

i just got done petting my cat then i rubbed her belly.now she's mad though i do it all the time.i know it's a little mean but it annoys her.cute cat by the way

The Gift of Pen from UK on August 12, 2011:

This is FANTASTIC. I can really relate to it. I was reading it and laughing the whole way through as I thought of my cat. I love to annoy her, I know its mean but sometimes I just have to squeeze her or wrap her up in a blanket. Or drip a bit of water on her and see how long it takes to get through her mass of fur so she reacts to it. Oh, cats!

Joe on July 26, 2011:

Great list; I especially like the "sudden movement" method. I have a cat who, if you merely touch his belly when he is standing, he becomes so startled that he jumps to the point where all 4 paws are 6 inches off the ground. One time I was lying on the couch and my cat was standing between my foot and a dumbbell. I thought to myself "what the hell" so I tapped him on the belly with my foot and he jumped and when he landed his belly brushed the dumbbell and he jumped again. Double jump. It was priceless; I still laugh about it today and it was a year ago. I know I totally scared the crap out of my cat, Snowball, twice, but it was totally worth it. I don't usually do stuff like that though. Once again, great list; I thoroughly enjoyed it.

2patricias from Sussex by the Sea on June 04, 2011:

Putting socks on the cat usually causes annoyance. However, in the general scale of things the cats win. My cats have about 25 (or 250) ways to annoy me. I think I have 5 (not always reliable) ways to annoy them.

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on May 31, 2011:

Yeah, I agree murpp, spryte's suggestions are bordering on cruel. Toothpaste can be poisonous if ingested in too large of amounts.

murpp on May 31, 2011:

Actully 'spryte' your last option with the tooth pase is animal cruelty :( grrrr

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on May 30, 2011:

Thanks amymarie! I admit, I reread this once and a while and it still makes even me chuckle. I guess that's a good sign for a funny piece of writing! Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, I'm glad you like it!

Amy DeMarco from Chicago on May 30, 2011:

I laughed out loud when I read this. I have two cats that love to annoy the hell out of me. At 5:30 AM my cats wake me up by tapping my head and biting my ear. Sadistic little bastards. When I'm finally up they usually go to sleep. That's when I start giving it back to them. I can't get too mad. I'd be late for work every day if it weren't for them. :)

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on May 21, 2011:

thanks Greenwick! I've always wanted a cat who tolerated being on a leash, but so far, not even close. I tried once with Vesuvius but she just lied down and acted like she'd lost all will to live. Such a prima donna.

Greenwick on May 21, 2011:

Haha, this is quite excellent! I did have a cat once upon a time who didn't mind being dressed up. He even wore a raincoat and went out on a leash - because being able to walk around when it was raining was apparently worthwhile to him.

Jason Reuter (author) from Portland, Oregon on March 21, 2011:

Haha, yes, turning their ears inside out is hilarious. I do that to Vesuvius all the time, but she just shakes her head and goes on her way.

Minyassa on March 19, 2011:

This is all fantastic. I've been pestering my cats since toddlerhood (I grew up with them and have never been without them). I have my standard pesks like turning their ears inside out, bottlebrushing their tails, and playing "who's got big feet" by tickling them between their toes. I consider cat-pestering their rent...I feed them, I clean up after them, I pay their vet bills, therefore they had better put out.

b_ella_14 on February 05, 2011:

my cats will never have another moment of their damn smug happiness.

Ray Anne on January 24, 2011:

i got back from the christmas carols to find my cat hermione had ripped up my bedspread. so i got a laser pointer, and made her chase the dot, but offcourse she could never win. then i threw my santa hat ontop of her head, and all she could see was red stuff, so she started jumping around. it was hillarious to watch, but i admit i felt bad after, so i fed her some treats.

CatLover on January 07, 2011:

Actually, Michelle, I find male cats to be more obnoxious than the females. I've always had cats growing up and from my memory, the females were always the ones who were more receptive, intelligent and involved. May just be my experience (and gender doesn't probably matter in cats) but that's just my two cents.

Loved the article. Truth with a hint of amusement!

furball_lover on January 06, 2011:

Hey, this article was awesome! I read it over and over, each time with tears in my eyes from laughing. But yes, only do it a little at a time. Animals have feelings, you know.

Myke on December 21, 2010:

One of my personal favorites (if you have a smaller or medium cat) - you know those cardboard rings that starbucks, etc puts around their coffee cups so you don't burn your hand? Slide it off the cup and around kitty's head. Totally harmless and they will struggle for quite some time to remove it, while you laugh the entire time!

JAKE K on December 19, 2010:

This is amazing... the kittens gonna get it now :D x