AUGUSTA, ME—Advising caution as residents go to the state’s gubernatorial and congressional primaries Tuesday, election experts warned that Maine’s new voting system may lead to a greater risk of citizens getting their finger pinched by a live lobster stuffed into the ballot box. “These rules endanger voters by significantly increasing the likelihood of a claw popping out of the slot and latching onto an unsuspecting Mainer,” said Common Cause spokesperson Regina Watson, adding that the state’s volunteer poll workers had been grossly unprepared for the massive uptick in finger lacerations already occurring under the new procedure. “We have predicted rampant median and ulnar nerve damage across all voting precincts, as well as hundreds, if not thousands, of completely severed fingers. If this system isn’t fixed going forward, there’s a real chance these crustaceans will end up in electronic voting machines, where they can smash through the screens and violently squeeze the appendages of Americans simply trying to exercise their constitutional rights.” At press time, Watson reaffirmed the seriousness of the matter, noting that she once caught a 27-pounder off the coast of Stonington that would “snap your hand clean off.”

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