Anxiety: We worry. A gallery of contributors count the ways.

In the summer of 2011 the writer DW Gibson set out across the country to speak with Americans who had lost their jobs. The following account is adapted from Mr. Gibson’s July 12, 2011, interview with Dominick Brocato of Kansas City, who had been fired nearly two years before from his position with DST Systems, where he had worked successfully for 20 years. The full interview, and more than 70 others, are collected in the forthcoming book and documentary film “Not Working.”

Mr. Gibson describes Mr. Brocato: “He is 58 and has lived in Kansas City all his life. His shirt is pressed and tucked. His hair is definitely not gray, nor do I think Dominick would allow it to become so. He carries a notepad encased in a leather pouch. His appearance is immaculate and I can confirm it is not easy to remain so well turned out in the July humidity that grips this city, wringing composure from those who are exposed to it.”

— The Editors

Dominick Brocato

Both my grandparents came from Italy. Palermo. My dad was a mechanic. It was very much a Ward and June Cleaver kind of environment. My mom stayed home all day and cooked, and she came home and wore the aprons. My mom died when I was 15 and it was devastating for me. My dad had no idea what to do. I immediately took charge of the family and started doing all the things that needed to be done to keep the family together. My mom kind of trained me and taught me some of those kinds of things. And I think that just kind of carried on. I always wanted to be a protector, and I think that’s why I was always successful in the roles that I was in, because people trusted me.

I’ve been in human resources for many years, and one of the things about human resources is that you’re always there for other people, and you’re always trying to help their lives and help them to see things in a different manner, and I guess I’ve always been good from that standpoint. I didn’t want people to be scared. I wanted to create an environment where you look forward to going into work, and you don’t feel pressured and you don’t feel scared or intimidated — that, to me, is my responsibility.



I’ve worked for DST Systems for the past 20 years. The chief operating officer who was retiring left in December [of 2009], and at the first of the year the new chief operating officer went to the board of directors, and he convinced them that the company needed to go through this reorganizing and restructuring. It was kept quiet somewhat, but I could tell that something was changing. I knew something was going on.

It was hard through the holidays to know this stuff; I didn’t say anything to my family, because I didn’t want them to be worried about it — but yet, deep down, it was hard to be happy knowing I was going to be out of the picture. I would say that probably during that November time period until it actually happened in February were some of the harder times in my life.

My actual date was February 4th of 2010. It was a Thursday. I still remember it very well. They had started on that Monday, and they had said that if you survived until Friday, that you were safe with this first round of layoffs. And so I got my call at 9:30 a.m. to come into a conference room.

It was low-key. They just said, “Because of restructuring, your position now has been eliminated.” They did it in a very effective manner, I have to say. It was very pleasant. I felt that I was very professional in the process.

I still have the utmost respect for the company and for the president of our company. The new chief operating officer, he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know who I am. All he knows is a name and tenure and what I was making, and I’m guessing those were the reasons that decisions were being made.

I kept hinting to my wife that something is probably happening, but her being the type that worries about everything, I was just kind of very subtle with it. And she honestly did not know until the day I came home at 10:30 in the morning with the box.

She was just quiet because you know, my last son was graduating from college. I put three kids through college. We were thinking, “Finally, now, we’re going to be able to live and travel and do stuff just for us,” and I know she was sad thinking through that, realizing we finally got to this point and now this happens.

I said, “Hey, I’m starting outplacement on Monday, and we’re going to work through this.” I was positive. And I felt that I had enough skills that it was going to be fairly quick for me to find another position. I knew that now was time to start a new beginning, and I still try to have that feeling. But it’s hard after 17 months to keep realizing that maybe something will never happen.

Victor Kerlow

I’ve been part of job clubs. I went back to school. I got an advanced certificate in employment law. I’m doing everything that I’m told to do, that I’m trained to do, but yet, for whatever reason, it’s not happening. And you still keep looking back at yourself, thinking, “Am I saying something wrong? Am I saying too much?” You keep trying to psychoanalyze everything to the point where you can drive yourself nuts.

Between April and August I have filled out and put in resumes for about 380 to 390 positions. I probably had 45 to 50 different meetings that I would just initiate on my own, asking someone, “Can we just go have coffee, or just go to lunch?” I spent a lot of money doing that. The majority of people, where I would say, “Can we just go to coffee?” … I didn’t get a lot of response. If I’d say, “Hey, let’s go to lunch; I’ll buy lunch,” I got more takers. And that was O.K., if I thought it was going to work to my benefit. Sometimes I would say, “You pick the place.” I did that a few times, and after a $40 lunch I realized this isn’t going to happen anymore. This is not fair. I guess I was really shocked that people would allow me to go ahead and pay knowing they’re working and they’re with a company, but again, I made the offer, and I was willing to do that. And I’d always try to end every meeting saying, “How can I help you?” And quite a few would take me up on that. I wrote out personal thank you notes, sent cards, had cards made with my name on the front. So I did all those things that I don’t think the average person does.

I’ve always been in the role of helping others, so, you know, why can’t you help yourself? I’ve always been in control. So I always feel like I have to work everything out internally, just like when my mom died, I had to work that out. Again, back then, you didn’t go to counselors, nor could we afford to do that, but me and my brothers and sisters, we needed that. Why would someone who has four kids die at 36? We needed to work through that. And I don’t think we ever honestly did. So I haven’t. I read a lot of books, self-help and that sort of thing. You just try to figure out, there must have been a reason. Just like when someone dies, there must have been a reason.

I’ve run into people, I’ve run into guys that are selling shoes at Dillard’s and so forth, and just thinking, “That can’t happen to me. That’s never going to happen to me.” And now I’m realizing, with some of these guys that have been unemployed now for two years, that I’m getting close to that date. And how is this happening? How is this happening when I’ve been in such control?

I’ve learned in some meetings I’ve been in that companies are asking that recruiters and headhunters not even present them people that are 50 or older. They are not interested in people that have been unemployed for six months or longer because they feel something must be wrong with them. They also have made requirements that if someone has been in their job for 15 or more years, they’re not interested in seeing them either, because they feel that they’re set in their ways, and they haven’t updated or learned new skills. So again, a lot of the things that we were brought up with — a lot of the ethical things that we thought were going to make us successful and that we did to show our dedication to a company — are now used against us.

We’re having a new Trader Joe’s coming in, and when I found out that you have benefits even if you’re a part-time employee, I thought, “O.K. Let me try this.” Of course, I did. I called, and they said, “Well, you’re at the bottom of 800, so we’ll call you as soon as we go through the other 799 above you.” I thought, “Wow.” I don’t know what those next steps are going to be, and like I say, for someone who has always been in control and educated and so forth, you never imagine that these times are happening. But they are.

Related More From Anxiety Read previous contributions to this series.

For the last two months, I’ve… I don’t want to say I’ve given up, but I’ve just kind of taken a break from all the stuff that I’ve done before, thinking I need to regroup. I need to get my head straight. I need to clear everything out. And so that’s what I’ve done for the last two months, but yet everyday you feel guilty: I should be doing this. I should be calling. But then you get to the point where you run out of people to call. That’s kind of where I’m at right now.

We both have old cars. I’ve cut my cable and those sort of things. Obviously with the air conditioning and so forth, you kind of change the thermostat. This was the first new house that we lived in — we bought and built three and a half years ago. Next month the other house that we left would’ve been paid off. So of course, you constantly think of that stuff. I have friends who keep telling me that I should try to apply for food stamps and so forth. I may get to that point, but right now, I can’t force myself to do that yet and I don’t know why. There’s just something about it.

Even going to unemployment. It was very difficult for me. I’m self-conscious when I go. I don’t even know what you do to get food stamps and that sort of thing — but I’m really hoping I don’t have to get to that point.

The other negatives that I’m finding, at this point too, has to do with benefits. I have been going through trying to find insurance, and I’ve hired two different brokers. I have been denied insurance coverage by every major company within Kansas City because I had a pre-existing condition. In September, 2007, I learned that I had a rare form of cancer [extraskeletal myxoid chondrasarcoma] in my left leg. This type of cancer usually leads to amputation. It had been growing in my leg for about a year. Unfortunately, it was malignant and I had 30 radiation treatments. I went four and a half years clean, then it showed up in my left lung. Part of my upper left lobe was removed. And companies will not insure me. And that’s devastating. Now I’m realizing that possibly starting in August, I will not have medical coverage. And for someone that’s always been in control, always tried to do the right things, always paid to have coverage and do the things that are appropriate, now we’re in this position of not even being able to be protected.

I talked to the one doctor that I go to and said, “O.K., so starting in August, if I can’t pay, how is that going to affect my still coming here to see you?” This was a conversation we had two weeks ago.

He was very silent. He didn’t answer me.

I always used to tease my wife, because all she ever wanted to do was watch “Leave It to Beaver” and “The Andy Griffith Show,” and I’d say, “Why is that all you ever want to watch? There’s so many things on TV.”

And she said, “Life was so simple, and you didn’t have to worry about everything that we have to worry about today.” And she said, “I just want to pretend I’m back in that time again.” And after she said it, I finally realized what she really meant.

(Anxiety welcomes submissions at anxiety@nytimes.com.)

