Chelsea Handler is a comedian and host of the Netflix talk show “Chelsea.” Susanna Wolff is a writer and the former editor of CollegeHumor.com.

She’s a diplomatic wonk in a pantsuit; he’s a foul-mouthed billionaire. Could two candidates be more different? Actually, they could. From their age to their millions, their hair color to their home address, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have a startling amount in common. And if you think about it, it’s even sorta kinda funny. To guide us through the highly intersecting Hillary-Donald Venn diagram, we invited two of the funniest writers out there: Chelsea Handler, the comedian and host of the Netflix talk show “Chelsea,” and Susanna Wolff, the CollegeHumor editor turned TV writer. Of all the absurdities of this election, what if the real absurdity is that our choice this fall isn’t much of a choice at all?

1. They both have magnificent “blond” hair.


Trump’s specially crafted bouffant is more famous, but don’t discount Clinton’s similarly dyed coif. When Matt Drudge asked last year whether Clinton was wearing a wig, the very jealous Trump immediately responded: “It must be—it was massive.” Clinton’s Chappaqua hairdresser shot back rather Trumpishly that her client “has the most amazing hair in the world.” And all along, Trump had thought his hair was the most amazing hair in the world. —C.H.

2. They’re both New Yorkers—sort of.

Raised in Queens, Trump now resides in a modest gold and marble Trump Tower 66th-floor Manhattan penthouse in order to keep it real. Clinton, a former New York senator, splits her time between suburban Chappaqua (where the median household income tops $100,000) and Wall Street in order stay in touch with ordinary Americans. —C.H.

Then again, most New Yorkers would claim neither one really counts as a New Yorker. Neither one of them actually rides the subway either. Posers. —S.W.

3. Both were Democrats in the ’90s.

We all know Clinton, despite her Republican upbringing, was a Democrat as first lady, and continues to be. But let’s not forget that a little over a decade ago The Donald—today a Muslim-banning Republican presidential nominee—once said, “I probably identify as more of a Democrat.” —S.W.

Illustrations by Stanley Chow for Politico Magazine

4. Both support progressive universal health care.

Clinton helped create HillaryCare in 1993 for Bill when he was president, though it was delivered stillborn by congressional midwives. Today, she supports Obamacare and promises to improve it. Trump, in his 2000 book The America We Deserve, actually took a more progressive position, writing, “We need, as a nation, to reexamine the single-payer plan.” More recently, he’s heaped praise on Canada’s and Scotland’s single-payer plans—all while insisting single-payer could never work in the United States. —C.H.

5. They’re both old geezers.

Clocking in at 68 and 70, respectively, Clinton and Trump both fall squarely in the Baby Boomer/Old Bag of Bones age range. But while Clinton subscribes to the “Hey, kids, isn’t the hot sauce I carry in my purse on fleek?” school of youthful pandering, Trump opts for the classic “Get off my lawn, you Mexican Muslims!” racist grandpa approach. Either way, these old folks are adorable. Just, real quick, remind them how to delete emails again? —S.W.

6. They’ve both made disastrous real estate investments.

Illustrations by Stanley Chow for Politico Magazine

Trump’s Taj Mahal casino on the trash-covered shores of Atlantic City seemed specifically engineered to abuse Chapter 11 bankruptcy laws. And the Clintons’ investments in land on the muddy shores of the White River in Arkansas—what became known as the Whitewater scandal—were, at best, very poorly researched and, at worst, corrupt. It’s a good thing only one of them claims to be an expert in the real estate business. —S.W.

7. They both have daughters in the family business.

Chelsea and Ivanka—friends!—have each campaigned for their respective parent and spend their days tending to the family brand: Chelsea on the board of the Clinton Foundation and Ivanka as executive vice president of development and acquisitions for the Trump Organization. Even Donald Trump’s four other kids know Ivanka is the favorite, though if it saves them from having their father say creepy things about them (“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” Trump has said), maybe that’s not so bad. —S.W.

8. They’re both conservatively pro-choice.

Clinton has long said abortion should be “legal, safe and rare.” Trump said in 1999, “I’m very pro-choice and … I just believe in choice”—before he realized such a choice of words was banned in the Republican Party. —C.H.

9. They both have had a hard time deciding what they think about same-sex marriage.

In 2004, Clinton’s view on marriage was that it was “a sacred bond between a man and a woman” … who have agreed to tether their political ambitions together till death do them part, goddammit. Since then, she has come to be a big supporter of gay rights, including the right to marry whomever you love and then have them publicly cheat on you. Trump, on the other hand, claims his same-sex marriage stance is “evolving” but that he is “for traditional marriage—I am for a marriage between a man and a woman” … and another woman, and another woman. —S.W.

10. They’re both swimming in cold cash.

Trump made some of his money—$10 billion, by his less-than-trustworthy estimation—the old-fashioned way: by inheriting it. He made the rest through real estate deals and gambling halls. But Clinton also took a traditional route to wealth: marrying well, serving in public office and then, the very second she left, cashing in her public service chips like there was no tomorrow. —C.H.

No matter what their true net worth, Clinton and Trump are still both, almost definitely, richer than you. —S.W.

11. Both have hallucinated combat experience.

Trump “always felt that I was in the military” because of his elite military academy high school, which gave him “more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military.” In 2008, Clinton famously recalled “landing under sniper fire” during her 1996 arrival in Bosnia. Alas, the only snipers to be found were in her frontal lobe, and on every late-night comedy show. —C.H.

12. They both have foreign policy experience.

Clinton spent four years as secretary of state, where she oversaw foreign relations through such tumultuous events as WikiLeaks, the Arab Spring and the Benghazi attack. Trump, in addition to once owning the veritable international tightrope walk that is the Miss Universe pageant, has been married to two foreign-born models. Admittedly, their mottos on foreign policy are a bit different. Clinton’s: “smart power.” Trump’s: “The bathing suits got smaller and the heels got higher and the ratings went up.” —S.W.

Illustrations by Stanley Chow for Politico Magazine

13. Both are deeply committed to conspiracy theories.

Clinton remains a firm believer in the “vast right-wing conspiracy” she popularized while defending her husband in 1998. She also has an abiding interest in UFOs. Trump was the leading man in the award-winning Birther Conspiracy Show that catapulted his run for the presidency. He’s also a fan of the Benghazi conspiracy theory. —C.H.

14. They both have sons-in-law with criminal fathers.

It turns out their (excessively) beloved daughters have similar taste in men, with both Chelsea and Ivanka marrying guys whose fathers have served prison sentences for shady white-collar crimes, like fraud, tax evasion and hiring a prostitute to seduce your brother-in-law so you can film him cheating and then show your sister. What would Freud think of the fact that the men Chelsea and Ivanka are most attracted to were raised by power-hungry manipulators who would stop at nothing to achieve their goals? Thanksgiving with these families must be a delight! —S.W.

Illustrations by Stanley Chow for Politico Magazine

15. They both attended Donald Trump’s wedding to Melania.

Clinton was a guest at Trump’s 2005 Palm Beach wedding to Melania Knauss because, Trump claims, he paid her to be there. Given that The Donald has three weddings under his belt and no history of cheaping out, Clinton’s assertion that she attended the wedding just because “it’s always entertaining” might well be true. Or it could be that Clinton—let’s face it, like most reluctant wedding guests—was in it for the free crab puffs. —S.W.

Illustrations by Stanley Chow for Politico Magazine

16. They’re both Hillary Clinton supporters.

In 2008, Trump blogged, “Hillary is smart, tough and a very nice person, and so is her husband. Bill Clinton was a great president. They are fine people. Hillary was roughed up by the media, and it was a tough campaign for her, but she’s a great trooper. Her history is far from being over.” Hillary would no doubt agree. —C.H.

17. They both have small hands.

Only one of them seems concerned about it. —S.W.