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When most people picture “confidence” in their minds, they see it as loud and boisterous – but confidence can also be very quiet and reserved.

In fact, everyone has their own version of “confidence” depending on their personality.

This was a key lesson I had to learn while trying to improve my own confidence over the years. As someone who struggled a lot with low self-esteem and low self-worth when I was younger, confidence was one of my main focuses when I first started learning more about psychology.

I was always very shy, quiet, and anxious, so I simply thought “If I want to be more confident, I just have to do the exact opposite of my typical personality.”

The big problem was I jumped from one extreme to another: I started to become cocky, arrogant, and self-centered, because that’s how I wrongly imagined confidence is “supposed to look.”

Perhaps it was my own naivety and youth that led me to this “overcorrection,” but I find it to be a common trap in a lot of self-improvement.

When people try to change themselves on a fundamental level, they often jump from one extreme to another. However, over the years I’ve discovered that self-growth is often about taking a step toward the center and becoming a more balanced person.

The worst part about trying to appear “super confident” when you really aren’t is that it often comes off super inauthentic and fake to others. It’s the classic example of someone who is “trying too hard.”

You read up about confidence and you learn all about it. You puff up your chest and straighten your back because you read somewhere that shows strength. You try to lower your voice and speak louder. You talk about your accomplishments to show you are a person of value. You may even practice saying certain words or phrases from a script.

Honestly, I’ve been there. I know it’s difficult. And it is a process – so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Certainly developing your own genuine form of “confidence” is something that takes practice, patience, and sometimes feeling a little awkward. However, it ultimately boils down to changing how you see yourself more than it is about changing a few habits or behaviors.

Your version of confidence may look very different than the typical version of “confidence.” But the most important thing is that you truly accept yourself, believe in yourself, and see your own value and worth. True confidence is completely inner.

One of the biggest obstacles in developing inner confidence is recognizing that you have to pay the costs of “being yourself” – it’s not always easy.

By “paying costs” I mean that being yourself can sometimes be very risky and painful. Why? Because it opens you up to being judged by others, both positively and negatively. Sometimes it’s easier to hide yourself and just try to “fit in” to get along and not cause any friction.

However, “being yourself” is a risk worth taking. Because even if it means not everyone will like you (and no one likes everyone), you will know that the people who do like you actually like you, and not some “fake version” of you.

But you have to own yourself. You have to put yourself out there. And you have to be comfortable with rejection. Because your own opinion of yourself must always matter more than the opinions of others. That’s what confidence is at a fundamental level.

“Acceptance and “rejection” are two sides of the same coin. You’ll have to learn to be comfortable with both if you want to develop true inner confidence and self-esteem.

Once you develop “inner confidence,” a lot of the “outer confidence” stuff will come out naturally. It will radiate from your thoughts, speech, and action – people will notice you have an undeniable presence about you that they can feel.

I often tell people, “True confidence is spoken through your actions, not words. Be confident on the inside, but modest on the outside.”

That type of effortless, quiet confidence is way more attractive and magnetic than someone who is trying “too hard” to appear awesome.



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