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THE first moment your newborn baby grips your thumb is a priceless moment in any parent’s life, and is a memory that should be used to remind you of how wonderful they once were before they hit their teens and just turned into little shitheads altogether.

It can be a crushing disappointment when the children you brought into this world and raised to be decent, upstanding members of society turn out to be little bastards that won’t do a thing you ask them to, stay out all night and fail even the simplest of examinations they sit, but it’s important to stay focused on the fact that not everyone in society lays the blame directly on you.

Although factors such as ‘kids will be kids’ and ‘you were no better at that age’ can serve as some consolation to the parents of shitheaded kids, there may always remain a twinge of ‘what could I have done differently?’ hanging over you, which specialists say is perfectly normal.

“I have four kids, and they’re fucking doses,” said one child behaviour specialist, looking like she hasn’t slept in nineteen years.

“You just have to accept that kids aren’t robots, they can’t be programmed. You just have to let them find their own way through life. You’d love if they didn’t send nude pictures to boys, you’d love if they didn’t get tattoos on their faces, you’d love if you didn’t have to go get them out of the police station after they wrapped their stupid looking car around a bus stop because they were driving while high… but most young people are shitheads. No cure for it, I’m afraid”.

“Just hope they manage to pull their heads out of their holes without doing too much damage, and they might just be fine”.