For our fifth annual feature, The Post asked the best comics in America for their favorite jokes of the past year. Not just the ones they wrote and told, but also ones they heard from their peers. Just in time for April Fool’s Day, here are our favorites.

Joel McHale



“Jersey Shore” is a bigger disservice to Italian-Americans than the Mafia and the Olive Garden combined.

Bill Maher



It’s starting to look like that Capt. Schettino was less than brave. I’m not saying the captain has to go down with the ship — but at least get wet!

Jay Mohr



A turtle gets beat up by three snails. The cops ask the turtle, “Did you see who did it?” The turtle says, “No, they were moving too fast.” (as told to him by a waiter at the Florida Improv.)

David Brenner



Bob Dylan on TV announced he’s endorsing President Obama . . . I think. He said, “I’m backing Barack Obama.” It was that, or, “I was attacked by a black llama.”

Neal Brennan



The NFL is upset that players tried to hurt opposing teams for bonus money instead of just their regular salary.

Garry Shandling



Forget about arguing about when life begins. Let’s find two people who agree on when the sex actually starts.

Dane Cook



I Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin and missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

Emo Philips



I’m not a Republican . . .but I’m saving up to be!

Ritch Duncan

Call me old fashioned, but I still hate Chris Brown for his music.

Wendy Liebman



I had eggs for breakfast and chicken for dinner. So now I know.

Tim Siedell



My day has been so awful, I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Liam McEneaney



If you were stranded on a desert island and only had a 250GB iPod, what 3,000 albums would you take with you?

Doug Benson



I’d go to one of those “dueling” piano bars — if it was to the death.

Bobbie Oliver

I bet the woman the song “You are so beautiful to me” was written for really gave him s – – t about the “to me” part.

Megan Neuringer



Please don’t ask me about my pan pizza; it’s personal.

Albertina Rizzo



Whoever said, “There’s nothing like the sound of children’s laughter” has never listened to nice music or silence.

Seth MacFarlane



I hear babies cry. I watch them grow. They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know. And I think to myself: who brought babies to this bar?

Penn Jillette



My co-worker on “The Celebrity Apprentice,” Lou Ferrigno, says he gives 110 percent on every task. If he gets fired, he can surely go work for the Government Accounting Office.

Kelly Oxford



You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That’s a ghost finishing sex with you.

Anthony Jeselnik



I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know. I’m so bad with names.

Luke Thayer



We should all be offended when rich people lose a lot of money and then kill themselves. That means they’d rather be dead than have our lives.

Jeff Kreisler



Jon Huntsman endorsed Mitt Romney because he, too, represents the American dream of pulling yourself up by your father’s bootstraps.

Colin Kane



The average person burns 150 to 200 calories during sex. With me, you’re guaranteed 500 more because of the walk home.

Craig Baldo



I bought a step ladder today, brought it home and immediately shouted at it, “You’re not my real ladder!”

Jim Norton



From now on, anyone sexually assaulted at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno’s statue. It couldn’t possibly help you less than the real Joe would have.

Joe DeVito



I just pulled a rabbit out of my hat, so I can cross that off my ta-da list.

Paul F. Tompkins



Every year, when the President pardons a turkey, I think, Ho ho! What a hilarious ribbing of a legal system that puts humans to death!

Phillip Henry



This year at gay pride I met a woman who told me I was going to hell for the gross things I do in my bedroom; I’ve never met anyone who hated Netflix and Chinese food so much.

Wayne Federman



I just saw “Midnight in Paris.” It really made me want to travel back in time. To the ’70s — so I could see a good Woody Allen movie.

Ophira Eisenberg



Now that I’m married, I get it. If I ever had to date again I wouldn’t ask the guys what kind of music they listen to or what their favorite movie is. I’d just ask, “Do you put your stuff away? You walk into the door. You have a jacket, hat, and bag. Walk me through what happens next.”

Louis Katz



Whenever I go to a strip club, I only tip the ugliest strippers. ’Cause that’s how Jesus would tip.

Michael Che



I love rap music. But I would never pay for rap music, cause I’m broke. And I refuse to pay money to listen to a guy sing a song about how irresponsibly he’s gonna spend my money.

Rich Vos



I went into Bank of America to deposit a check and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money in my account and you’re telling them no?”

Erin Gibson



We should punish first-time drug offenders by cc’ing them on an e-mail where seven women try to figure out when they should have dinner.

Leo Allen



I’m writing a novel about a cockroach who turns into a man and writes a novel about it. it’s called “The Meta- Metamorphosis”

Brad Wollack



Angelina Jolie’s arms are now skinnier than any kid’s she could adopt from Africa.

Shaun Eli



There’s no such thing as a pizza bagel. Putting tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese on a bagel doesn’t it make it pizza, any more than driving my car like an a–hole makes it a BMW.

Richard Lewis



An ex-girlfriend of mine just called and said that she was recalling all of her orgasms she had with me.

Dustin Chafin



My girlfriend is a vegetarian. She said that I’m not a real animal lover because I eat meat, and that if I really loved animals I would only eat lettuce, vegetables and grains. I said “If you really loved animals you’d stop eating all their food.”

Paula Poundstone



I’ve been getting my free breast cancer screening from the TSA.

Jeffrey Ross



Charlie Sheen, if you’re “winning” then something’s wrong with the f – – King scoreboard.

Rachel Feinstein

I saw a guy with a bumper sticker that said, “I don’t dial 911.” That’s a confusing policy What do you do if your grandma has a stroke? Shoot her in the face?

Bruce Cherry

My girlfriend was found floating in the East River. She wasn’t dead or anything — she’s an idiot. That water is filthy. You really have to question her judgment.

Bernadette Pauley

I’ve been into white wines lately. I like a nice pinot grigio. You put a little Absolut in it, it really does the trick.

Al Ducharme

I live with this absolutely gorgeous woman. She just moved into my building upstairs. I live downstairs with my wife.

Andres Du Bouchet

I heard an owl last night. He wanted names.

Adam Spiegelman

Say Aetna’s slogan out loud. “Know more get better.” Sounds like a baby denying you insurance.

Ian Edwards

My girlfriend asks me to hold her purse while we’re shopping online.

Melinda Hill

A lot of people have a personal motto or creed that they like to live by. My personal creed is: No matter how bad things are, they would definitely be worse if a Creed song was playing.

Claudia Cogan

“Whitney” is shot before a live audience. Yeah? So was Lincoln.

Kim Kalish

I’m literally paralyzed with fear of dressing inappropriately for spring weather. Damn you 60 degrees! Are you shorts or jeans? Just tell me!

Cathy Ladman

You know what you don’t hear people say a lot? “Hitler meant well.”

Drew Droege

Bon Iver sounds like he was kicked out of the Celtic Women Tour ‘03.

Eric Andre

Did you know that Gabourey Sidibe and Mo’nique are both played by Eddie Murphy?

Brad Trackman

My wife asked, “If I died and you re-married and your second wife also passed away, which one of us would you spend eternity with when you die?” I told her neither. That’s why they call it heaven.

Megan Amram

Bad news for women: there’s a glass ceiling. Good news for women: That’s one more thing you get to Windex!

Judy Tenuta

Hey Romney and Santorum, you may only tell a woman what to do with her eggs when you’re ordering the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s!

Josh Weiner

I recently found out that the Roe vs. Wade baby was actually born. So the next time you complain about your parents not loving you, just remember that they didn’t go to the Supreme Court so they would be allowed to kill you.

Jason Good

Bad news, guys. My YouTube video went bacterial.

Phil Hanley

I’ve been told that when you meet the right person you know immediately. How come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half?

Bonnie McFarlane

I might be racist. Whenever I’m around black people I find myself talking “black.” Like I’ll be all, “I have a dream” and stuff.

Dan Cummins

Some days, I feel like the hardest part of being alive is the fact that most other people aren’t dead.

Bil Dwyer

eHarmony claims that they match people on 34 levels. Who the hell has 34 levels? I have, maybe, three levels. They are: the outer shell, the inner world of lies and my colon. And there are cameras for two of those things.

Sean Donnelly

You know you’re getting fat when you notice the guy behind the counter at Dunkin’ Donuts got a haircut.

Johnny Pemberton

You know what really pisses me off? The useless elegance of seahorses.

Chad Fogland

Why’d the chicken hold a séance? To talk to the other side.

Dana Gould

With the success of Ultimate Fighting, they’re now re-naming porn Ultimate Getting Along.

Kara Klenk

“We must provide closure to a morally complex saga, the fans demand it…” — things not overheard at the “American Reunion” pitch meeting.

Chelsea White

I realized that I spend the majority of my income on manicures, hair products and alcohol. So apparently I’m doing a great job of taking care of the dead parts of me and killing the living parts.

Sarah Colonna

There’s a new study that says women are having orgasms at the gym. Apparently when I go, I’m doing it wrong.

Steve Rosenthal

Just once, I’d like to close a job interview with, “Sounds dangerous. Count me in.”

Peggy O’Brien

Not only am I getting better at Tetris, but I’m loading more dishes into my dishwasher than I ever thought possible.

Bobby Collins

I was getting on a plane in West Palm Beach. You know when you get on a plane there’s usually one or two wheelchairs for the elderly? 26. There were more Jews on my plane than in “Ben Hur.” The tower was in the shape of a Walker. No wheels on the plane — yellow tennis balls. And the movie was “Yentl.”

Glenn Wool

The American government buried Osama bin Laden at sea because they didn’t want his grave to become a shrine. Wouldn’t that have been a wonderful way to catch other terrorists?

Tammy Pescatelli

Chris Brown’s girlfriend hired bodyguards to protect her from Rihanna’s crazed fans. Guess she doesn’t realize she is dating Chris Brown.

Andrew Ginsburg

Growing up, my dad was very critical. He always used to make fun of me for watching wrestling. He’d say “How can you watch that crap? Don’t you know it’s fixed?” Five minutes later, he goes out and votes.

Jeff Dye

Marriage is confusing. Like, my sister married this guy, and now I have to call him my brother. Well, brother, we got a rule in this family. No more having sex with our sister.

Geoff Keith

My 7-year old brother asked me where money comes from. I said, “The US Treasury has printing presses that print out sheets and sheets of money.” He looked at me very serious and said, “We need to get our hands on one of those machines.”

Aaron Karo

I hang all of my friends “Save the Dates” on the fridge — the way parents hang their kids’ ridiculous glitter and macaroni concoctions. In a way, the sentiment is the same: “I love you, but you make horrible decisions.”

Craig Shoemaker

Kim Kardashian is approaching Jesus-like numbers of followers on Twitter. What’s in common? Jesus rode a donkey and Kim’s a– got her everywhere, too.

Bryan Cox

New Ad Slogan: “Travel the Caribbean, come home with a beach bag.” “Travel Mexico, come home in a body bag.”

Jubal Flagg

If I had a stalker I’d probably get them arrested, then definitely miss the attention.

Rob Gleeson

Just because my shampoo says “tear-free” doesn’t mean I can’t cry in the shower.

Erikka Innes

Why do we judge hotness on a scale of 1 to 10? It’s so old-school. In my book, there’s only two kinds of people: bangable and unbangable. I use a binary system. You can be a zero or you can be number 1.

Jason Stuart

Mitt Romney is a Mormon, which is cool. But if he wins the GOP nomination, I don’t think there will be enough room in the White House for all the sister-wives. I’m just saying.

Zach Selwyn

So my son and daughter have been instructed at their pre-school to refer to their private parts as their “wee-wee” and their “China.” First of all, I will never let my daughter call it her “China” because you can fit two billion people in China.

Jon Huck

Where I live, the washer and dryer for my entire apartment complex back up to my living room wall, so I can hear people doing laundry at all hours of the night and day. This hasn’t been a big deal as long as people are washing human laundry. But now I have a new neighbor and every other day she thinks that 3am is a great time to wash a load of zippers, nickels and drill bits, which is always followed by the drying of what sounds like belt buckles, spark plugs and old bike peddles. Very considerate.

Dan Soder

Crushes never end in a romantic, loving, trusting relationship. They end in two ways: heartbreak or murder. Either learn to be sad or get rid of a body.

Nate Bargatze

My dad was a clown when I was a kid. An actual clown. Have you ever been yelled at by a clown? I have. It’s confusing. Because he would be screaming but also have a smile painted on his face.

Monique Marvez

Why are older women with younger men called “cougars?” When an older man is with a younger women, there is no name for that — “lucky,” maybe “producer” in LA. If you’re going to call me a name because I am with a much younger man, call me what I am: sore!

Veronica Mosey

A lot of little leagues are handing out trophies for just showing up. The old sports adage summed up competition as “The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.” Now we cover “the glory of participation.”

Beth Hoyt

If what they say is true, that gum should be out of my system by now.

Greg Barris

My dad is getting creepier in his old age. I called him when I was walking to lunch in the summer in New York. “It’s tough being single in New York, Dad. There’s all these cute girls walking around in short skirts all the time.” And my dad said, “Yeah, and sometimes the wind blows just right.”

Piotr Michael

Tweeting is so much more fun when you actually hear birds tweeting outside — on their smartphones.

Ben Gleib

We should take lessons on happiness from babies. Their suicide rate is zero.

Shar Vanderworth

Those first two people, the ones who said, “It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” What were they so excited about?

J. Chris Newberg

Condoms aren’t totally safe. I had one on last night and a lamp fell on me.

Leah Bonnema

It’s hypocritical when politicians talk about Jesus in order to get the Christian vote and then don’t support public healthcare because Jesus healed sick people for free.

Gina Yashere

How are these Somalian Pirates kidnapping cruise ships and tankers when they’re in a canoe? That is the equivalent of doing a drive-by on a unicycle.

Jim Tavaré

I’m moving up in the world. I used to live above a 98 Cents store. Now I live above a 99 Cents store.

Jimmy Shubert

If you watch even five minutes of “Jersey Shore,” you realize not only should abortion be legal, it should be retroactive.

Jill Twiss

I like my martinis like Ilike my babies. You know, not shaken.

Heather McDonald

Teen pregnancy is so in right now, and I’ll admit I am excited for Mtv’s new shows coming up. One is “29-Year-Old Grandmas,” and the other is “I’m 8 and Late.”

Hank Azaria

That Tim Tebow sure is something special. He has all the fiery leadership of Ray Lewis combined with the throwing ability of . . . Ray Lewis.

April Macie

Women always lie about the number of partners they’ve had. I refuse to lie because it just perpetuates double standards. When my fella asked me, I told him the truth. I said, “I don’t know!”

Ritch Duncan

Just saw an ad for an “Improvised Shakespeare Company.” Good idea. The problem with Shakespeare was always the writing.

Dan Curry

February is Black History Month, March is Women’s History Month, and April is National Poetry Month, so May must be Leave Maya Angelou The F – – k Alone Month.

Rob Golub

My wife said if I ever cheat on her I don’t want to know. And I said, “I haven’t said anything yet, have I?”

Sally Mullins

I have a cop fantasy. I fantasize that the cops will stop pulling me over.

Sarah Sweet

Is there something that’s equivalent to a Playboy for women? Yes, wedding catalogs. We buy them and hide them. And flip through the images of the dresses and think, “I wonder what it would feel like to be inside one of those?”

Jon Reep

I can’t believe I started liking sushi while living in Los Angeles. Back in my redneck hometown, we just called it bait.

Abbi Crutchfield

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “You remember this favor forever!”

Joanne Filan

Just got out of a two-year relationship. After we broke up I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that the relationship I was in before this one was two years also. And even the one before that was two years. That’s when it finally occurred to me, I am a community college for women.

Livia Scott

Having a non-ironic picture of your cat as your profile picture on Facebook is a great way to tell the world: My vagina hates being touched.

Bob Altman

I was just in Alabama. Boy, these people did not win at genetic roulette. Looked like a pirate ship landed. A lot of limbs missing. One lady had a patch and a parrot on her shoulder.

Jack Handey

Deep thoughts:

I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm, and I asked him about sex.

He sort of smiled and said, “Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.”

So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.