KEY WEST, FL—Midway through his weeklong Florida vacation, Salt Lake City resident Travis Lawson reportedly panicked today upon suddenly realizing he hadn’t arranged for anyone to feed his hostages while he was out of town. “Oh man, I was in such a hurry to hit the road, I totally forgot to have someone come over to my place and make sure Dennis, Jean, and Carly get their daily meal,” Lawson told reporters, referring to his three neglected captives, one of whom, their captor lamented, had nobody to administer her insulin shots. “Just thinking about them all alone and scared, locked in their cages, not knowing if I’ll ever come back—it makes me feel awful. I don’t even think there’s any water in their bowls. I should probably call a buddy to go over and check in on them.” Lawson said he was hoping to avoid a repeat of last winter when he accidentally left his hostages tied up in the backyard, whereupon they died of exposure and he had to get new ones.

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