Stephen Colbert

“Yet another candidate has dropped out of the Democratic race,” said Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s Late Show after the Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren ended her campaign. “We’re getting a clearer picture of America’s future, and it looks a lot like America’s past.”

“Folks, I’m afraid I have sad news for fans of competence,” Colbert said of her resignation. “The one-time frontrunner Warren made the classic campaign mistake of being able to finish a coherent sentence and not having a penis.”

The end of Warren’s campaign is “further proof that America cannot have nice things. She had a plan for everything – a healthcare plan, an immigration plan, a student loan plan and her most popular plan of all: kneecapping Michael Bloomberg with a croquet mallet.”

Warren’s decision narrows the field to just former vice-president Joe Biden and the Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, both white men over 75. Asked by reporters who she would endorse, Warren said: “Let’s take a deep breath and spend a little time on that. We don’t have to decide that this minute.”

“She’s right, let’s all just take a deep breath … and hold it until the coronavirus is gone,” said Colbert. “You know there’s going to be a fierce battle between Biden and Sanders to win Elizabeth Warren.”

Speaking of coronavirus, Donald Trump once again spread misinformation about the outbreak when he called into Sean Hannity’s Fox News show to lament that non-fatal cases aren’t reported on and encourage sick people to go to work, in direct contradiction of all professional medical orders.

“Go to work? Maybe some of them do go to work but they shouldn’t go to work, because that’s a good way to spread a pandemic,” said Colbert. “Trump’s like the mayor in Jaws but worse: ‘Don’t listen to the sheriff, OK? Sheriff doesn’t know what he’s talking about, the beaches are open for summer, a lot of people gonna get attacked by a shark, but a lot of people aren’t. You never hear about the hundreds of thousands of people who don’t get chomped up. Some of them will get their leg eaten off, but they’ll come to shore and they’ll get better just by sitting around. Their legs will grow back – I have a hunch.’”

Trevor Noah

Trump has a “hunch” that coronavirus isn’t as bad as every expert says it is. pic.twitter.com/KID3XLYerf — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 6, 2020

On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah saluted the end of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign, and her response to a reporter that the question of sexism in the race is every woman’s “trap”, but one she will be expanding upon in the future. “That was some truth that she just dropped there,” said Noah. “A woman addressing sexism or ignoring it while running for president is either going to be seen as a whiner or living on another planet. Which is unfair, especially since the president is already a whiner who lives on another planet.

“You have to admit, it’s pretty strange that a race that started with a broad tapestry of candidates is now basically down to two old white men,” Noah continued. “They’re so old, that no matter which one of them wins, Donald Trump will be the youngest person in the race. Think about that.”

Noah also addressed the president’s phone call with Hannity, in which he said he had a “feeling” the mortality rate of coronavirus was much lower than all professional world health organizations have reported. “What the fuck is that?” said Noah. “‘I’ve got a feeling’ is a phrase that should only be reserved for low-stakes situations. You know, like if tonight’s gonna be a good, good night.”

Trump is “acting like the virus is no big deal”, Noah said, but “no one is blaming Trump for coronavirus. People just don’t want him ignoring it, like it will go away. This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric.”

Seth Meyers

“I think it’s safe to say at this point that the president of the United States is undermining public health, and I’m not just saying that because he looks like an outbreak monkey who escaped from a lab,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night in response to Trump’s misinformation-filled phone call to Sean Hannity.

“Trump knows [coronavirus] could be a challenge for him politically and for the economy, which is the only thing that matters to him,” Meyers said, pointing to reports from Trump’s trip to India last month that he was distressed not by the growing threat of coronavirus, but its effect on the stock market. “Of course, because the stock market is the only thing Trump cares about. If you told Trump that spreading the coronavirus would actually help the stock market, he’d be doing press conferences giving people the opposite advice as doctors.

“So the president is spreading misinformation about a public health crisis in order to avoid political consequences,” said Meyers, “but at least he knows the name of the virus … right?” Nope. On the phone with Hannity, Trump called it “corona flu”.

“Jesus, the corona flu? Not only is he lying, he’s making up new diseases now – ‘It’s called the corona-swine-Ebola flu. We just came up with it, very exciting, you can find it on the drive-thru menu at Wendy’s.’”

