In a tragic turn of events completely unrelated to the current phase of the festive retail gifting zone, Jim Murray has issued a howling cry of anguished heartache via the medium of the Daily Telegraph. Speaking from his cot while jumping up and down in a soiled nappy and crying loud, angry, sulphuric tears Mr Murray said:

“WAAAAHHHHH! I want Bourbon. I love Bourbon! I’m fed up with smelly whisky! It’s full of sulphur and caramel and popcorn and nutella and pretzels WAAAAHHHHHH! Why is no one buying my book, why don’t more people refer to me as the world’s leading whisky expert, why do people at european whisky festivals keep shitting in my Panama hat, why can’t all scottish whisky be as a good as Ardbeg and Glenmorangie and Ardbeg and Glenmorangie and Ardbeg Serendipity and Glenmorangie and Ardbeg? Why don’t people think I’m cool when I tell them about my seventeen 25 year old, ethnically diverse girlfriends, why do people keep adding water to whisky when I’ve told them not to, why don’t people recognise my genius straight away, why isn’t everything as good as Buffalo Trace, why can’t every distillery pay me to love their whisky!?”

Leading literary critic for Facetube, Dr Elizabeth Runcible, said via her status update:

“Saw that article in the Telegraph, it inspired me to pick up a copy of The Whisky Bible. It’s so jammed with meandering inconsistencies and incomprehensible contradictions, it actually bears a striking resemblance to the proper Bible in that respect. It’s really a peerless work of satire. I mean, that must be what it’s about right…?”

Lord Siegfried Mount Cummerbund, Drinks Editor for the Telegraph said:

“We had half a page we needed to fill with some words, this Murray chap seemed keen enough to blurt out some loose verbiage. Although being around him was testing indeed, I just let him write the article himself in the end.”

Tina Prune, the Scotch Whisky Arseociations chief officer in charge of repeatedly insisting that caramel does not affect the taste of whisky despite the glaringly obvious fact that it does and just sticking their fingers in their ears and going lalalalalalalala when anyone dares to suggest otherwise said:

“It’s no big deal really. He’s just a small man who has an over inflated opinion of himself and thinks he’s some sort of whisky God when in actual fact he’s a mediocre journalist at best, who jumped on the whisky bandwagon long ago and is now all but discredited amongst the majority of his peers to the extent he has to pull publicity stunts like this in order to try and shift a few more copies of his book in the run up to christmas before attending Whisky Live Somalia. The best thing to do is just recognise it for the gibberish it is, turn the other cheek and get on with more important things. Having said all that we’re still going to have him killed!”