How your support can mean the world for trans people

As I sit in my car staring forward at the concrete wall of the University Mall’s parking garage, my heart is racing, and my hands are clammy.

“I’m here,” I text my friend, who is waiting at Starbucks for me to join her in a day of shopping and fun. “I’ll be in shortly. I’m a bit stressed.”

I’m wearing a beautiful red and white polka dot dress with black leggings and my favorite gray boots. It’s an outfit I’d been yearning to wear in public. My makeup is heavy on my face.

“What happened?” My friend responds, her concern obvious even through the pixels on the screen. “Want me to come meet you at your car?”

I take a deep breath, perspiration building under my arms, and open up my car door. The March air is crisp, but I still feel flush. A group of college students walks by, chattering amongst themselves and laughing.

Are they laughing at me? Oh, God, they probably are. I shouldn’t have done this. Is it too late to change my mind?

Yes, my friend is waiting, and we’ve got places to be. Be strong, girl. You’ve got this.

That day was my first time wearing a dress to the mall, and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking presenting in public is incredibly difficult at the start of transitioning. In my mind, a million things could have gone wrong.

The least of which is being laughed at or stared at. My brain catastrophizes. I assume the worst. My initial thought was that I could be attacked, or even killed, as countless trans women are all around the world.

But I was sick of hiding. Taking the advice of my counselor (everyone should have one of these), I went out of my comfort zone, and I proved to myself that I could be me and have nothing of consequence happen. It was freeing.

And it’s in no small part because of my wonderful support system.

Were it not for my partner and my tightly-knit group of friends, I’m not sure I would have ever made it to the point of being myself in public. Their support and gentle encouragement made it possible for me to come out of the shell I’d been hiding in for more than two decades.

The simple act of my friend being there with me that day gave me the confidence I needed to walk confidently(ish) into that mall and get fitted for bras that day, and nothing especially bad happened.

There were some stares, and one older woman was gawking like I was the scene of a car crash on the Interstate, but all in all, it was a painless day. That act of ripping off the proverbial Band-Aid bolstered my confidence, and I’ve been going out in increasingly more feminine clothes ever since.

Of all the things I’d like our allies to know, I think this is the most important: One of the best things you can do for your trans friends is to stand beside them when they take these first steps out into the world.

Offer to go shopping with them to buy affirming clothes, or stand beside them at the hairdresser as they get a cut that will make them feel like who they are.

However, it’s important that your encouragement is gentle. Let them take these steps at their own pace, as everyone’s comfort levels are different. And try to keep in mind the culture of the area you’re in.

Living in Vermont means that, when it comes to social issues, the environment is generally pretty left-leaning, at least in the Burlington area, so I never really had a concern for my safety, but that may not be the case where you live.

That said, don’t be afraid to fight on our behalf. Combat transphobia whenever you’re confronted by it because we shouldn’t be afraid to live our lives. Many of us still are, but you can help us to change the world.

If you have any topics you’d like me to cover, please reach out to me at askadabt@gmail.com. Thanks so much for reading, and keep an eye out for the next installment very soon.

With respect,

Ada

featured image courtesy: Øyvind Holmstad / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)