Feral hogs are all the rage right now. I haven’t seen a topic take the internet this by storm since we were all going to raid Area 51. Lil Nas X is about to have 30-50 feral hogs jump on the next remix of Old Town Road. Insert whichever other recent popular culture reference you’d like here.

Anyways, it’s got me thinking the best possible ways to take out approximately 30-50 crop eating, fence damaging, child endangering feral hogs.

5. Trebuchet

Trebuchet works 100/100 times no matter the scenario. Always has always will. The fact that we ever decided to move on from such weaponry will forever boggle my mind. You show me a single situation in which a trebuchet would not have got the job done and I’ll eat a slice of apple pie. That’s my word to you here and now.

4. 50-75 domesticated hogs

I’ll be the first to admit that feral hog strength is not one to be trifled with. You find yourself between a feral hog and the endzone and you’re going to end up getting run over like Bosworth. Domestic hogs are soft, but have brains on their side. So you don’t need a true 2:1 advantage to get the job done, but you certainly can’t walk in there and shoot a fair one with said feral hogs either.

3. Poison

Poison doesn’t get enough respect. Versatile. Plays in any weather. Travels well on the road. Those dumb dumb hogs wont even know what hit them. One second they’re munching down some fake crops laden with good ol’ fashioned poison, the next they’re dead. Again, mostly due to the poison.

2. Bo Jackson

I’d estimate Bo Jackson has taken out no less than 10,000 feral hogs in his day using nothing other than large rocks, arrows, and fisticuffs all over this great land of ours. He’s probably viewed as a grim reaper-like character in the hog community. In all seriousness, the next Rough N Rowdy should have a halftime show wherein Bo Jackson slap boxes a feral hog. I’d watch that, you’d watch that, we’d all watch that.

1. Moats

Much like my rant on trebuchets, moats don’t get enough play in modern times. Probably due to the advent of flight, but hogs simply have yet to figure out that technology. Sorta like how the dinosaurs wouldn’t have gone extinct if they were less busy roaring all over the place and kept their heads in the books. Anyways, you surround your crops or homes with alligator-filled moats and I can’t see a scenario where you’re complaining about feral hogs ever again. Whatever problem we encounter with the eventual midwestern gator population boom we’ll deal with down the line.