One week down, one hundred and three to go.

I wanted to write something sooner… I just haven’t even really had enough time to sit and breathe, let alone actually write in here. But I’ve kinda made a stupid promise to myself that I’ll write something at least once a week. I think it’ll kinda help keep me “sane”, y’know?

And boy, am I gonna need it. Because they’re trying to drive me fucking crazy in here.

I guess overall, it’s a little better than I was expecting it to be. Though honestly, that’s not saying too much. Let’s just say my expectations were pretty damn low.

Everything around here is just so… controlled. It’s seriously like being back at school. They like to give the illusion of freedom — we can walk around the building unescorted. They don’t lock us in our rooms. They have shit like a gym and an art room and a garden we can use when we want. We can “earn” other stupid privileges through “good behavior”. All the guards and the staff here try to talk it up like this is some great place to be.

But it’s not. It’s prison for crying out loud! And it pretty much sucks. They keep us so damn busy all the time with the stupidest shit.

They make all of us have jobs. It’s literally a requirement for being here. They say it’s because they want us all to “acquire life skills” and have money for when we’re released. Which probably doesn’t sound so bad, right? But the shit they have to pick from is ridiculous. Some of us are allowed to have jobs out “in the community”, but the list we have to pick from is total garbage. Washing dishes, factory jobs, cleaning… All this boring, menial crap. But I guess no one wants to hire a criminal, huh?

Anyway, I ended up with a job down at the library. And no, not the public one. The shitty little one we have in here. Six hours a day, five days a week… It’s boring as hell, but at least it’s easy. Mostly putting books away and keeping the place clean. And my boss isn’t so bad, I guess. She likes asking me about my stories.

I just wish my dumb therapist was even half as cool as she is.

Actually, you know what? I take that back. It wouldn’t matter how cool he is. All those stupid counseling sessions would still totally suck.

I hate how he tries to pretend like he actually gives a shit about me or my problems. It’s all so freaking pointless. He can’t help me. No one can.

But no one listens to me when I try and tell them that. It’s all part of my “program”, they say. They make it sound like some freaking rehab program or something! But that shit’s supposed to be for Erik to deal with, not me.

Erik… I do wonder about him a little bit. Like, how things are going with rehab and stuff. We barely talked about it when he came to see Phoenix. Actually… we barely talked at all whenever he came to see him. It just felt too awkward, y’know? Painful. I’m just still so damn mad at him. And I know he’s mad at me too. We can barely even get through a conversation anymore without one of us yelling. So we don’t even try.

The last time I saw him was like a week before mom and Papa brought me here. And everything was cold and uncomfortable and weird, just like it always is. When it was time for him to leave, he kinda hesitated though. I don’t think he really knew what to say. He finally mumbled something. A couple sentences, I think. But it was so quiet, I couldn’t make anything out. Then he gave me a really awkward kiss on the cheek, and that was it.

I don’t have any idea when I’ll see him again. I doubt he’ll ever come visit me here. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I want him to.

The only person I really wanna see is my little boy… And I finally got to, yesterday afternoon.

Mom and Papa brought him. Oma came too. And seeing them felt really awkward. Almost as awkward as seeing Erik used to be.

But not Phoenix. He was amazing. The moment I laid eyes on him, I just started crying. I couldn’t help it. I miss him so fucking much. How the hell am I supposed to deal with two whole years of this?!

I already cry every night about it… Yes, literally. The one good thing about them keeping us so busy is there’s not a lot of downtime to just sit and think. But at night, well, my thoughts are pretty much all I have to keep me company. And right now, they fucking suck.

The only other thing I have keeping me company is… her.

Yeah, I didn’t get to the best part yet. My roomate. It’s motherfucking Katie! Katie Fletcher!

UGH! What the hell are the odds?

I hadn’t heard from her in two years… And I was hoping I’d never hear from her again, honestly. I had no idea she ended up in jail. I mean, it’s not hard to imagine her doing something awful. But what could could she have done?

I’d been wondering ever since my first day, but it felt way too weird to ask.

But the other day, I got to talking with Elly about it. She’s one of the only other girls in here I’ve really talked to so far. She’s got a son and a daughter at home, so… She gets what I’m going through.

Anyway, Elly finally told me what the deal is with Katie. I guess she got really drunk one night and ended up stealing a car at some ritzy party she was at. Swiped the keys from the valet, took it for a joy ride, and ended up totaling the thing. Damaged some public property, nearly ran over some old guy too…

Sounds like a fucking mess. But what else would you expect from someone like her?

Anyway, once Elly told me, I decided to finally ask Katie about it. And believe it or not, she actually sounded like she felt kinda bad about what she did. Seriously. Katie Fletcher feeling BAD about being awful!

I’m not really sure what to make of it. She’s been acting so… weird.

I mean, she’s still being her usual bitchy self. She likes calling me “deaf girl” and rolling her eyes or laughing at like half the shit I say. She’s still got that same stuck-up sarcastic tone to her stupid voice too. I hate it!

But… she’s been doing other stuff too. Like showing me around the place my first couple days (it’s so huge… like a freaking maze!). Or reminding me when I’m gonna be late so I don’t get in trouble (“Hurry up, deaf girl!” is like her catchphrase or something, I swear). Even giving me the scoop on the other inmates (who’s cool, who to avoid, that kinda thing).

It’s like she’s trying to be helpful or something (or as helpful as someone like her can be, I mean)… I just don’t get why. And it feels too weird to actually ask, y’know?

So far, I’ve been kinda-sorta keeping my distance from her when I can (which, y’know, is pretty freaking difficult since they decided to throw me in a room with her!). I just don’t trust her. But then, it’s kinda hard to trust anybody around here. I don’t really know them yet. Not much more than what Katie’s told me, at least.

But it doesn’t matter. I don’t wanna get to know anyone around here anyway. The only person I wanna know is my son.

But instead of being home with him, I ended up… here. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

All I can do is sit in my stupid cell and go to my stupid therapy sessions and keep counting down the days until they finally let me go.

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Hey guys! Just wanted to really quickly let you all know that I’ve added a Fan Art page to my blog 🙂 I have some readers who have shared some beautiful artwork with me, and I decided I should share them with all of you guys too! I will let you guys know when I update that page in the future!