LAWRENCE, KS—Saying they hoped their fresh analysis of fossil evidence would help shed new light on the long-extinct theropod, 50-foot-tall paleontologists from the University of Kansas announced Friday that Tyrannosaurus rex might have been smaller than previously thought. “For decades, scientists have held that T. rex was among the largest carnivorous dinosaurs and likely an apex predator, but further study suggests a far more diminutive and less intimidating creature,” said 50-foot-3-inch researcher Marion Haines during a presentation of her team’s findings, holding her hand down by her waist as she estimated that a Tyrannosaurus stood only “yea-high” or roughly the size of her 3-year-old daughter. “We’re all familiar with movie depictions of this species as a fearsome, towering beast, but if there were one in this room right now, in all likelihood it would be more scared of my research team than we would be of it. While examining the fossilized specimen in our university’s Natural History Museum, we discovered we could actually pick it right up and hold it in our laps.” Haines also offered an apology to the museum, explaining that the T. rex’s bones were also far more delicate than previously believed and could in fact be inadvertently crushed in her bare hands.

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