Hello. My name is Catherine, and I had postpartum depression. Twice. However, the luxury of knowing what had taken over my brain was not something I had at the time. I simply believed that by having a child, I was no longer myself. Months after the delivery of my first son and long after the designated window of when one typically could have "postpartum depression," I began to feel…off.

I had returned to work and seemed to be making good progress. I’ll never forget the pride I felt as my doctor remarked on what a wonderful recovery I had made. So you can imagine my shock when I fantasized that a bus would hit me on my drive home one day.

My goal was not to die, but to be knocked unconscious long enough that I’d be taken care of. The strangest part of these fantasies was that they would make me laugh. The idea of being shot through my front windshield would scare me at first, and then fill me with laughter as I’d imagine a luxury hospital stay far from the responsibilities of my life. (I feel the need to footnote here that I am not a morbid or dark person. I studied musical theater, for God’s sake.)

Desperate to hear I was not alone, I brought up my car-crash fantasy in Mommy and Me.

So when I’d be in the kitchen and imagining a gas leak that would knock me out—in this fantasy the baby is with my husband out of the house—you can understand the conflicting feelings I was experiencing. Desperate to hear I was not alone, I brought up my car-crash fantasy at Mommy and Me. As I explained the buzz that would take over my body as I’d imagine the accident, the moms looked at me as though I should be in a straitjacket.

On that day I remember thinking that I was now broken. That having a child had changed my chemistry forever. Who was I now? While I understood the tasks that were required of me, I no longer had any sense of self.

I remember going out with friends and laughing, only to find myself crying for the entire drive home. I felt painfully alone and yet surrounded by people and responsibilities. One of the few things that brought me relief in these moments of darkness was my ability to imagine sinister things and then laugh at them. I often look back at this period and wish someone had told me that I was experiencing a temporary hormonal state of depression and that by choosing humor, I was in charge of my own off-brand treatment.

Workin' Moms creator, showrunner, and star Catherine Reitman with her husband Philip Sternberg GP Images

It wasn’t until my husband, Philip, urged me to write about my experiences that I began to see the light. By fleshing out my sadness, exposing the strange and funny angles to it, I began to recognize the “me” that I was prior to having my son.

So I committed to retelling the postpartum scenes I had lived, but with one glaring change: I wrote myself as four different characters who I knew would outgrow this period. While I felt hopelessness, "Kate Foster" would persevere. She could outwit her darkest moments while rocking a skirt suit that screamed "I know who I am!" I could sit in a pile of fear and tears at my computer, but the women I scribed were barreling forward and speaking their truths.

Once my pain was inked to paper, I couldn't let it die. By writing these scenes, I was filled with purpose. Philip and I begged friends to help us shoot and edit these scenes, eventually leading to the creation of Workin' Moms. As the job took over and time passed, so did my PPD. I’d occasionally find myself back in a dark patch, only to feel lighter the next day. There was no quick fix for me. Having an outlet, a place where I could express myself and counter my dark fantasies with epic wins of mothers smashing through glass ceilings, pulled me through the fog.

I found laughing at my pain gave me the same release as crying over it.

The show took flight in ways I never could have imagined. Before it aired, I remember feeling a period of “what the hell was I thinking.” Exposing this moment in my life and allowing the world to watch and laugh at it was something that kept me up at night. I feared that revealing how I dealt with my PPD was somehow the wrong way. Nothing was more shocking than the response after the show aired. Not only were people connecting with the stories, but they felt seen. I can’t tell you how many women and men have reached out to me, both online and on the street, to express how they felt less alone.

The idea that we can own our postpartum depression and choose how we get to process it is a liberating one. PPD is serious and can cause suicidal thoughts, but I found laughing at my pain gave me the same release as crying over it. It wasn't a cure, but it was a start. Talking about my experiences—even the dark and dangerous ones—freed me. And in the event that you can’t find the right words for your pain, know that laughing is an option. Own your pain. It is not only your right, but also an opportunity to get to know yourself more intimately.

Catherine Reitman is the creator, executive producer, writer, and star of Workin' Moms, now available for streaming on Netflix.