The Oscars are nothing more than highly paid famous people jerking off other highly paid famous people in front of a live audience in the hope that the American public will fall more in love with them ... and give them more money. And because I was forced to sit through the entire ceremony, I thought I'd give you my take on the winners. The Oscars are nothing more than highly paid famous people jerking off other highly paid famous people in front of a live audience in the hope that the American public will fall more in love with them ... and give them more money. And because I was forced to sit through the entire ceremony, I thought I'd give you my take on the winners.

- Motion Picture: "The Hurt Locker."

This was a fantastic movie. It was tense, it was well acted, and it had a great pace. If I can tell how a movie is going to end within 10 minutes of watching it, it isn't a good film. Luckily, the Hurt Locker was unpredictable up until the last minute. Further, it put a spotlight on people who deserve to be honored, rather than the plasticized magazine cover models. And my girlfriend had to hide in the closet during the final bomb defusing because she was so nervous ... also, I'd locked her in there for burning the pot roast again.



- Actor: Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart."

That Jeff Bridges won is a great thing. That he hadn't won previously is astonishing. He was The Dude! He was Starman! He was Kevin Flynn! It took way too long to get him a win, and I'm happy he finally took home the prize. If he'd turned into a LightCycle after his speech and drove away, I would have shit pixels.



- Actress: Sandra Bullock, "The Blind Side."

I didn't see this film because I don't have a vagina ... or a heart. But, honestly, Bullock should have won for her riveting performance in Demolition Man.



- Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, "Inglourious Basterds."

Personally, no one deserved it more. Waltz scared me shitless in this movie, but had me laughing the entire time. You'd be hard pressed to name another performance that could do that as well as his performance in 'Basterds.



- Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

Johnny put it best on his Facebook status this morning... "Still can't get over the fact that the winner for Best Supporting Actress was the judge on "Flavor of Love: Charm School." Doesn't seem right."



- Director: Kathryn Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker."

She deserved it for no other reason than she was sitting in front of her (also nominated) ex-husband James Cameron, but unlike James didn't need a titanic budget to tip the scales. (See what I did there?)



- Foreign Film: "El Secreto de Sus Ojos," Argentina.

Did anyone see this film? Me neither.



- Adapted Screenplay: Geoffrey Fletcher, "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

I haven't seen this film, but what pissed me off about this movie is that it's official title contains the phrase "Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire." That's just annoying. That's just self-aggrandizing. Further, why didn't the film take on the abbreviation P.B.O.T.N.P.B.S. (or "Pabotnapibs"?)



- Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, "The Hurt Locker."

Mark Boal has definitely seen some shit.



- Animated Feature Film: "Up."

Fuck you "Up" for making me cry ... twice. This was a fantastic movie. It was emotional, but it was also hysterical. One of the funniest (and best comedically-timed) sequences in recent years was when the character Russell is being slowly slid along the outside of a window and all you hear is the squeak of the glass. Watch that scene again and you'll see what I'm talking about. Pure genius.



- Art Direction: "Avatar."

Avatar probably deserved this. It really was a beautiful movie. Considering I spent most of the movie trying to catch a nip-slip from the hot blue chick, the art director should also be credited with giving me blue balls.



- Cinematography: "Avatar."

(See above)



- Sound Mixing: "The Hurt Locker."

You're probably aware of my crush on this movie. But if you have the chance, watch it again and pay attention to the use of the different sounds in the movie. The use of plane engines, heartbeats, and trucks have never been used so well.



- Sound Editing: "The Hurt Locker."

(Again, See above)



- Original Score: "Up," Michael Giacchino.

What's great about this score is that it actually has a theme. Most scores that have come out in the past few years (save for Pirates of the Caribbean) are often nothing more than subtle musical cues. Giacchino has created a moving and memorable score that will hopefully bring us back to a time of John Williams and Ennio Morricone.



- Original Song: "The Weary Kind (Theme From Crazy Heart)" from "Crazy Heart," Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett.

T Bone Burnett had the best acceptance speech of the night. Two words: "thank you."



- Costume: "The Young Victoria."

Anyone who creates dresses that make chick's boobs look several cup sizes larger than they actually are deserves an award.



- Documentary Feature: "The Cove."

I can watch humans get the shit kicked out of them for hours on end without so much as a twinge of emotional resonance. Show me animals getting hurt and I'm ready to take up arms. I haven't actually seen "The Cove" for no other reason than I don't think I'd be able to stomach it. FYI, one of the producers, Fisher Stevens, played Ben Jabituya in the Short Circuit films.



- Documentary (short subject): "Music by Prudence."

I didn't see this one and, honestly, don't remember anything about the acceptance speech.



- Film Editing: "The Hurt Locker."

Enough has been said about this film already.



- Makeup: "Star Trek."

I thought they gave this to Star Trek for making Zoe Saldana so beautiful, but then I realized that she's just naturally that amazing looking. So, really, all they've done is give someone a trophy for putting pointy ears on some dude - a feat that was accomplished 10 years ago in the Lord of the Rings.



- Animated Short Film: "Logorama."

If you can find the full length video of this online (it's a hard search, most of the videos have been taken down), check it out. It's worth 15 minutes of your time.



- Live Action Short Film: "The New Tenants."

Shit, I didn't see this one either.



- Visual Effects: "Avatar."

And, finally, the surprise dark horse. Who would have thought this film would win for best visual effects? I didn't see this one coming. 'Course, I also thought Santa existed until I was 14 and assumed my ex-girlfriend was "only friends" with that firefighter who drove the motorcycle and called her in the middle of the night "just to talk."



So that's my take. Blah blah blah dresses. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were great. I'm not sure if Bruce "Just Because I'm Strange Looking and Wear Stupid T-Shirts Does Not Make Me Funny" Vilanche is still writing for it, but the comedy seemed to be better this year.