By Laura Sessions Stepp

Alicia* has been out of college for

three years, and by most measures,

she's doing great: She has a good job

as a consultant, a high-rise condo, and

a boyfriend her friends envy. But in

one disquieting way, she has not been

able to leave her college self behind.

She is haunted by the memory of

something that occurred one night

years ago — a sexual encounter and an

unanswered question: Was I raped?

This is what happened: Alicia had

asked another student, Kevin, to be

her "platonic date" at a college sorority

formal. The two of them went out

for dinner first with friends and then

to the dance. She remembers that

they got drunk but not what she would

call sloppy wasted.

After the dance, they went to Kevin's

room and, eventually, started making

out. She told him flat out that she

didn't want it to proceed to sex, and

he said okay. But in a few minutes, he

had pushed her down on the couch

and positioned himself on top of her.

"No. Stop," she said softly — too

softly, she later told herself. When he

ignored her and entered her anyway,

she tensed up and tried to go numb

until it was over. He fell asleep afterward,

and she left for her dorm, "having

this dirty feeling of not knowing

what to do or who to tell or whether

it was my fault." While it felt like rape

to her — she had not wanted to have

sex with Kevin — she was not sure if

that's what anyone else would call it.

"It fell into a gray area," she said

recently. "Maybe I wasn't forceful

enough in saying I didn't want it."

Even today, she is reluctant to call it

rape because she thinks of herself as a

strong and sexually independent

woman, not a victim.

Alicia's "gray area" experience is

something that is becoming so common,

it has earned its own moniker:

gray rape. It refers to sex that falls

somewhere between consent and denial

and is even more confusing than

date rape because often both parties

are unsure of who wanted what.

And it's a surprisingly common occurrence.

The U.S. Department of

Justice estimates that 1 in 5 college

women will be raped at some point

during a five-year college career; that

about 9 out of 10 times, the victim will

know her assailant; and that half of all

victims will not call what happened

rape. Sixty-two percent of female rape

victims in general say they were assaulted

by someone they knew, which

includes dates, acquaintances, and

random hookups.

Many experts feel that gray rape is

in fact often a consequence of today's

hookup culture: lots of partying and

flirting, plenty of alcohol, and ironically,

the idea that women can be just

as bold and adventurous about sex as

men are. How can something so potentially

empowering become so damaging?

Cosmo investigates.

*Pseudonyms are used for those quoted with first names only.



BLURRED BOUNDARIES

A generation ago, it was easier for men

and women to understand what constituted

rape because the social rules were clearer. Men were supposed to

be the ones coming on to women, and

women were said to be looking for

relationships, not casual sex.

But those boundaries and rules have

been loosening up for decades, and

now lots of women feel it's perfectly

okay to go out looking for a hookup or

to be the aggressor, which may turn

out fine for them — unless the signals

get mixed or misread.

Shari Rosen, a media recruiter in

New York City, found that out on a

business trip to Los Angeles. She and

a coworker met a man in the bar of the

hotel where they were staying. They

ended up going with the man to a

party, and then he and Shari returned

to the hotel. On the way in, he kissed

her deeply. They had a few more

drinks at the hotel bar, and then he

asked if she wanted to go to his hotel

room to see some family photos.

She went to his room but after a few

minutes said she needed to go. He

pinned her on the bed and, according

to Shari, sexually assaulted her. She

struggled with him and managed to

escape. Shari reported the incident to

police but didn't press charges. Later,

she started working on a documentary

about rape and, in the process of interviewing

rape victims, discovered

that a lot of them felt they had contributed

somewhat to what happened.

Because they thought they were (or

should be) in control of their bodies

and desires, says Shari, "they'd say

things like 'I should have done this'

or 'I shouldn't have been in that situation.'

But they'd also say, 'If the guy

had had respect for me, he would

have backed off.' "

In gray-rape cases, it's even easier

than in more clear-cut date rapes for

women to blame themselves: "If only

I hadn't gone to that party, this

wouldn't have happened" or "If I

hadn't worn such a revealing top and

come on to that hot guy...."

Laura Taylor, who just graduated

from Cornell University, understands

why a woman in this predicament

might second-guess herself. When she

was a sophomore, she met a fellow

student at a frat party. They drank,

they flirted, and then he invited her to

his apartment. There, they kissed for

a while, and things got more heated

until Laura realized that he was taking

off her underwear and entering her.

She was drunk, but she says she was

aware enough to say no. When he ignored

her, she froze — a common response,

much like Alicia's — and he

continued to have sex with her.

After he finished, she put on her

clothes. He made her hug him before

she left. "I knew something was off,

but I wouldn't have called it rape," she

recalls. That's what her roommate

called it a day later, however, insisting

that Laura call the sexual-assault hotline.

Even after the hotline counselor

assured her that what had occurred

was rape, Laura couldn't stop asking

herself questions like "Why didn't I

scream?" "Why didn't I take him on?"

(She's almost 6 feet tall.) Laura didn't

press charges against her assailant.



"SHE WANTED IT"

The odd thing about the current

equal-opportunity hookup culture is

that a lot of guys may feel as uncomfortable

and confused as their dates do

when things end up in bed.

Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality

for ESPN, says, "I've had girls

tell me 'I don't have sex on the first

night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect

that. Mind if I play with you a little

bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't

mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say,

'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is

it then my responsibility to say no?"

One male student at George Washington

University, a senior, recounted

to the student newspaper that he had

woken up naked and drunk next to a

girl he didn't know. His friends later

told him that the girl had bought him

drinks the night before and volunteered to take him home. He ended

up feeling taken advantage of — that

he wouldn't have hooked up with her

if he hadn't been so wasted.

Another senior at GW expressed his

confusion like this: "Sometimes I'll

feel like a girl isn't sure, but then she'll

say yes and I'll think she's just being

coy. If you regret it or she regrets it,

does that make it assault?"

But then there are guys who will

admit that they find the whole hookup

culture secretly freeing. Like one who

says that today's larger gray area simply

"allows guys to be assholes" by

hiding behind the "she wanted it, she

went after me" excuse.



THE ALCOHOL FACTOR

All of these complicated scenarios are

made even more so by drinking, which

is almost always part of the mix. Heavy

drinking is a major factor in sexual

assaults, and young women's drinking

habits have risen almost to the level of

men's. This makes them more vulnerable

to guys who are pushing for sex.

In one study of college women by

the Harvard School of Public Health,

nearly 3 out of 4 rape victims were

intoxicated when the assault occurred,

a pattern that appears to continue as

women move through their 20s.

"Women's self-esteem at that age is

tied into how they are experienced by

men, and part of dealing with that

social anxiety is to drink it away or drug

it away," says New York City psychotherapist

Robi Ludwig, PsyD. "They

say to themselves that it'll work out

okay, with some thinking that maybe

they'll end up in a relationship."

According to Brett Sokolow, a Malvern,

Pennsylvania, attorney who specializes

in sexual assault, if a woman is

drunk or otherwise incapable of making

a sound decision, then a man who

knowingly has sex with her in that condition

is indeed guilty of rape. But rape

cases where drinking or drugs are involved

are difficult to prove in a criminal

court if the victim cannot remember

whether she gave consent or if she

blacked out and her partner claims she

gave consent, says Sokolow.

Last year, a 20-year-old female midshipman

at the U.S. Naval Academy

reported that the academy's star quarterback,

Lamar S. Owens Jr., raped

her. She filed charges and, in a July

2006 court-martial of Owens, said that

she had been drinking and could recall

very little beyond waking up in her bed

in the middle of the night to find

Owens having sex with her.

Owens testified that she had invited

him to her room during an instant message

conversation, and that after

a few caresses, they began to have sex.

After two minutes, he reportedly said,

she stopped responding, and he left

her room. The young woman testified

that she could not remember sending

the messages to Owens and that someone

had closed the instant-message

window on her computer, so they

weren't retrievable.

A toxicologist for the defense reportedly

said that the young woman's

blood-alcohol level showed that she

was legally intoxicated, which means

she may not have been able to give

consent. Nonetheless, the rape

charge against Owens was dropped

because the five officers on the military

jury believed that evidence indicated

he had been invited to her

room. During his testimony, Owens

reportedly said it was a case not of

rape but of "sex going bad."



PAINFUL AFTEREFFECTS

The psychological effects of what a

victim did or didn't do can last for years.

"I still panic when a guy is on top of me

and positions his body so that I feel

restricted, even if we are just making

out," says Alicia. "I have punched a guy

because he had innocently placed himself

on me the wrong way."

Some young women stop working

or doing their schoolwork, adopt unhealthy

eating patterns, turn to drugs,

or attempt suicide. Others may start

quickly seeking out new sex partners.

"They think that this is the way they can prove that the assault didn't affect

them," explains Catherine Busch,

PhD, clinical director of the Specialized

Trauma Treatment and Recovery

Center in Columbia, Maryland, who

works with sexual-assault victims.

So how do you avoid being a victim

without giving up the right to be

sexually independent and assertive?

Many psychologists feel that the first

step is to acknowledge the dangers

inherent in the free-and-easy hookup

approach to dating and sex.

"We all have vulnerabilities, and

we all can be taken advantage of,"

says Ludwig. "Though you're successful

at school, sports, whatever,

you must see yourself — as a

woman — as vulnerable. If you don't,

you're at greater risk."

Sarah Belanger, 28, a communications

specialist who works in Boston,

has been trying to find a middle ground

in her own life. "If you make the choice

to leave the bar with the guy, then you

are also creating the opportunity for

something to go wrong," she says. "I

think that is the point that needs to be

driven home to everyone who participates

in the hookup culture. Yes, you

can practice safe sex. Yes, you can have

casual sex without strings. But this

behavior carries a risk."

And if something bad does happen,

says Laura, seek help immediately,

and don't blame yourself. "It was incredibly

empowering for me to say

'I'm a survivor of rape.'"



AVOIDING THE GRAY AREA

Recognize Male Mind Games

Beware of statements that

make him sound as if he is

only thinking of you, such as

"I just want to get you off."

Also, be wary of those

designed to make you feel

guilty, like "You're going

to give me blue balls if

you don't...." (He can always

relieve himself later.)

Don't Get Smashed

You won't be clearheaded

enough to be sure how

far you really want things

to go or confident enough

to follow through.

Be Straightforward and Clear

Telling a partner what you

want — and don't want — to do

is more likely to protect you

than assuming you can show

him. He may not get the hint.

Know Your Rights

Under the law, a guy has to

get a clear verbal or nonverbal

yes from you to have sex.

Just because you consent

to one sexual activity (making

out, even with few clothes

on) does not mean you have

given permission for any

other. Also, silence doesn't

always equal consent, nor

does being too drunk to know

what you're doing.

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