I have some good news and I have some bad news.

First, the bad news. We got destroyed by the Oregon Ducks last week in absolutely embarrassing fashion. We started out slower than Cody Kessler in a two-minute drill and for parts of the game didn’t seem to even have our defense on the field. We lost the game, we lost our College Football Playoff ranking (IT MATTERS), and a fair amount of our dignity. There’s nothing worse than watching the rest of college football Saturday after your team lost. It’s like losing the first game of beer pong. You just have to stand there like a idiot and wait until you get another turn.

The good news is we can still win the Pac-12 South and have a chance at the conference title. I can’t imagine a better end to the regular season than beating UCLA before getting revenge on those nerds in Palo Alto.

Recap

The Good

Contrary to Trent’s enlightened wisdom, USC did come out with a victory last Saturday by backing their way into a chance for the Pac-12 championship. It’s the equivalent of using nepotism to get a high paying job, something USC students are used to.

The silver lining of the beating we took last Saturday is that there is no chance Clay Helton will be hired as Head Coach. The best three straight victories can get Helton is to be fired in a more respectable location than the LAX tarmac like a local Starbucks, a public park, or in front of Tommy Trojan.

I promised to withhold coaching speculation until the end of the year but when a blue chip candidate like Les Miles begins to get mentioned, I have to chime in. First off, who in the hell in Louisiana has 15 million dollars to give to LSU to help buy Miles out of his contract? That person must have a monopoly on gumbo and Mardi Gras beads. Second off, why are you trying to get rid of the most successful coach in your school’s history? Especially the year that a million other schools have coaching vacancies? Hope you enjoy settling for Lane Kiffin.

I support Les Miles to USC for one reason; It allows the opportunity for the return of COACH O!

With Adoree’ Jackson punt return for a touchdown last Saturday, he became a triple threat with a touchdown on offense, defense and special teams. He joins good company of other notable triple threats in Los Angeles including Neil Patrick Harris, Justin Timberlake, and Hugh Jackman.

Viane Talamaivao (knee), Tre Madden (knee), Leon McQuay (knee) and Marvell Tell (clavicle) were back practicing today. #USC — Keely Eure (@keelyismyname) November 24, 2015

Looks like we are getting healthy at the perfect time. Even Tre Madden is planning to play, up until he breaks and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Tre back together again

The Bad

This highlight sums up USC’s defense perfectly: wide receiver catching a deep ball without a defender in sight, then running through several arm tackles for a touchdown.

In the time it took you to read this sentence, Oregon was able to march down the field and score a touchdown. I’m not kidding. Oregon had four scoring drives that lasted less than a two minutes. They were quicker then that time you had a one-night stand and got too “excited”.

Our secondary has more holes than Camp Green Lake (Shia LaBeouf enthusiasts and people who knew how to read by 5th grade will get this so I hope our friends in Arizona watch movies).

#USC penalty breakdown: 4 false starts, 4 personal fouls, 2 holdings, 1 pass interference, 1 "grounding" (and a partridge in a pear tree) — Michael Lev (@MichaelJLev) November 23, 2015

USC is helping the city of Los Angeles prepare for the arrival of the Raiders with all these penalties. This game had more yellow objects flying around than the last Minion’s movie.

[ESPN Video] USC penalty, Unnecessary Roughness (C. Wheeler): USC Penalty, Unnecessary Roughness (Chad W… https://t.co/lw8HYwBFOB #USC — USC Trojans (@BR_Trojans) November 21, 2015

Jump to 1:09 to see Clay Helton jump down Chad Wheeler’s throat. I’m not a lip reader but I’m fairly certain he told him he cost his team the game. Yes, the Trojans did lose by 20 but it was definitely all one offensive lineman’s fault.

“That’s crazy. I never thought we’d be in that situation after losing a game.”‘ – Chad Wheeler on USC’s title chances

Translation: Thank God my stupidity didn’t cost my team a chance at the Pac 12 Title.

Down 20 with less then seven minutes to go, Cody Kessler proceeded to dink and dunk 12 plays for 46 yards in a drive that took up four minutes and 32 seconds of time possession and eventually lead to a turnover on downs. Usually when you’re down three scores, you try and pick up the pace but Cody must have gone to the “Andy Reid School of Clock Management.” What was the logic in the pass selection on this drive? No pass completion went further than 10 yards, which is Cody’s average if you take away all the yards after catch his receivers pad his stat sheet with. Besides the game you literally have nothing to lose. Chuck it deep, throw it down field. If it gets picked off, then the game ends a little bit earlier. Instead you torture us with check down after check down. Speaking of check down, anyone recently looked at Kessler’s draft stock?

Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

No more hypotheticals anymore, but we are clearly in a win win situation. If we beat UCLA, we have a chance at the Pac-12 Title and a Rose Bowl berth. If we lose, we will end up going to the Royal Purple Bowl, giving fans validation for an impromptu Vegas trip. Why spend the holidays with your family?

Game Preview

Team: UCLA Bruins

Let’s just go down the list of UCLA’s clichéd insults towards us and our school:

“University of Spoiled Children!”

I’d rather be U$C than Student UCLoAn. Sorry, our degree gets us high paying jobs so our tax dollars can fund your school.

“We have more high school applicants apply to our school”

And more people buy Camrys than Teslas. The real reason is the majority of their applicants are actually applying to UC-Merced and check the box applying to UCLA as well because “crazier things have happened”.

“Your school cheats”

Take the time to Google Sam Gilbert and you’ll realize the UCLA cheated during the entire John Wooden era. That pyramid of success is a lot easier to achieve when you best recruiter is Benjamin Franklin.

“Your school is in the ghetto”

At least it has proper plumbing. Congratulations on being the first school with a dual basketball-water polo court and contributing further to the California drought.

At least we don’t have to drive an hour to watch our football team.

“Cool ‘Fight On’ gesture”

The 8-Clap sounds like STD that is contracted by touching Charlie Sheen.

“OJ Simpson was a murderer”

This desperate insult has been lobbed at USC through the best of times and worst of times by UCLA fans. Yes, we hate OJ too. Not only did he murder 2 people and get away with it but he also brought us the Kardashians. Move on Bruins, we have.

If USC wins out, they will add “You were the worst Pac-12 champion ever” to their list, forgetting when they finished 6-8 and had the worst record of a bowl team in NCAA history.

The Bruin Bear Statue

Good thing your offensive line is better at protecting your quarterback than your school is at protecting your bear. You defend that statue so poorly even Justin Wilcox could find a way to get cardinal and gold paint on him.

Take notes, UCLA. We used so much duct tape to protect our monuments that we don’t have enough to piece together Tre Madden.

Famous Son School

USC has passed the baton to UCLA as the the destination for loser sons of famous fathers. Snoop Dogg’s son, Diddy’s son, and Jim Mora Jr. With the exception of Mora, those all worked out about as well as Lil Romeo’s USC basketball career.

Before the season started UCLA had quite the amount of controversy. First, Diddy gets in a fight with the strength coach, which was his first hit in 20 years. Then, Snoop Dogg’s son drops out of school to pursue acting and allow his father to jump on and off bandwagons a lot easier.

Offense

“The best Jewish athlete since Sandy Koufax”. That is how UCLA fans described Josh Rosen after the first game of his career. UCLA should be praising Ricky Town and the fact that USC can convince four 5-star quarterbacks to be on the team or else Rosen wouldn’t even be there.

Rosen is breaking barriers by being the first bird to ever play football. The money spent on developing concussion proof helmet had to be redirected to make one so Rosen’s nose doesn’t stick out beyond his face mask. In all honesty, Rosen is having a great year, probably because if he has a bad game his parents will take away his inflatable hot tub allowance.

Defense

I’d spend this section talking about Myles Jack but he got hurt and left the school. Didn’t even feign an interest in a UCLA degree.

What’s the Line? (-3):

Record: (2-9)

The good news about this line is that it’s not above 10 points so USC will be forced to play a good game.

I am really back at this. Take USC with the points.

Prediction:

We haven’t won the Victory Bell in so long that the last time I’ve seen a loud annoying bell is when I watch Kristin and her dorky husband from Parenthood in those awful Samsung commercials. The main reason my hatred has turned to other schools like ASU and Stanford is that UCLA has dominated us for what seems like an eternity, but in reality it’s only been three years (and four coaches). It’s time to reignite the rivalry and take back our dominance of Los Angeles. Football is better for everyone when USC is on top.

UCanLoseAgain

USC 35 UCLA 28

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Steven, Tommy, and James

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places