For months we have assumed that when Sarah Palin gave a speech she was saying something worth paying $100,000.00 to hear. Yet as I have listened to speech after speech, I am left with the lingering thought… “What did she say?” A common error in listening to a speech of Sarah Palin is the assumption that Sarah is trying to make some point. Once you realize that she has no point, but is simply trying to fulfill her $100,000 contract, you will find peace. While listening to the speeches you may forget which speech you are listening to, as they all sound identical. Whether speaking at a rally for John McCain or speaking in an interview with Glen Beck, Palin seems to repeat the same phrases and mottos. Thus, perhaps I can be of help by providing this Pocket Guide, for use in translating the words that are coming out of Sarah’s Palin’s mouth. This Guide can provide comfort to you when you are feeling distraught that someone so ignorant ever came so close to being the President of our country. This Pocket Guide should be maintained near your computer or television for quick relief upon listening to anything Grandma Palin might say. It should be current through December of 2012, as there would be no reason for her to change anything, except her clothes, before 2012.

Repetitive Phrases of Sarah Palin

Do You Love Your Freedom?

Palin is asking the question, “Do you love being able to choose whether to attend her church at the 10:00 service, or the 12:00 service?”

She is NOT asking whether you love…

Your reproductive freedom

Your freedom to marry the person of your choosing

Your freedom to read books in your local library expressing views different than hers

Your freedom from having to fund earmarks for Alaska to study the mating habits of crabs or the DNA of harbor seals.

A Poor Man’s Teleprompter

Palin is making reference to her hand.

She is NOT making reference to:

Her own teleprompter, because everyone would agree that if Palin is worth in excess of $12,000,000.00, she is not poor

An actual teleprompter, as we know that if she were a “poor man” McCain would have been embarrassed to nominate such an incompetent man; but he seems to have different standards for the ladies

A real teleprompter because, if she were using a teleprompter of any sort, surely she would make more sense

Don’t Retreat, Reload

Sarah Palin’s “can do” spirit when it comes to giving speeches to liquor distributors, bowling leagues, or any organization about which she knows nothing, but that is willing to pay her fee

She is NOT making reference to:

What the majority of Alaskans do when they see Sarah Palin

Common Sense Conservatism

Palin is making reference to the appropriate use of RNC funds, for:

$150,000 to adorn Sarah Palin

Thousands of dollars to the mistress of Nevada Republican Senator, John Ensign, and her teenage son

$17,000.00 for private planes during the last month

$12,000.00 for limo service in the last month

$15,000.00 for hotel rooms at the Beverly Hills Hotel

$2000.00 for “meals” at the Voyeur in West Hollywood, a bondage themed topless night club

She is NOT making reference to:

Mark Sanford’s use of frequent flyer miles for his trip to Argentina

Americans Now Spend 100 Days Out of the Year Working for the Government

Palin is making reference to her limited time at work as the Governor of Alaska

Government is Deciding How Much Money People Can Have

Palin is making a joke at the expense of those politicians who have not resigned their elected positions, who still receive a pay check from the Federal Government

This is the People’s Movement

Palin is making reference to those people who read this blog and would like to move her off of our computers and televisions.

Nah, We’re Gonna Keep Clinging to Our Constitution and Our Guns and Religion

Sarah’s response to seeing a witch

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

This is the lesson Sarah has tried to teach her sister-in-law about burglary

BS from the Lame Stream Media

Sarah’s characterization of the last show she did on Fox News.

Drill Baby Drill, Not Stall Baby Stall

Sarah’s way of telling Todd to “have a good day”, and to ensure that he keeps his job on the North Slope

You Betcha!

Sarah placing a wager on the next Iron Dog race

God Created Resources for Our Use, Right Here in America

Sarah’s attitude about marijuana

We are Selfishly Sticking Our Kids and Grandkids with the Bill and that is Stealing From Them…It Is Immoral

Sarah’s expression of shock and dismay that her grandchild should ever be required to pay for his own health care, and should be entitled to rely upon the government to pay because he is 1/32 Eskimo

Freedom is a God-Given Right and Freedom is Worth Fighting for and that’s Why We’re Doing what We’re Doing

Admittedly Sarah is a little confused here. If freedom is a God-given right, then we wouldn’t need to fight for it. Don’t try to make sense of this one… just wink.

We Need to Restore Balance and Common Sense

In Sarah’s mind balance is achieved only when people, not animals, dominate the world, so common sense would dictate killing all animals.

Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan…

Ex-Governor Palin makes reference to Ronald Reagan an average of five times in most speeches, hoping that people will associate Palin with Reagan. In reality the only similarity between Reagan and Palin may be Bonzo, but that may disrespectful to an especially bright chimpanzee.

Special Needs Child

This is particularly confusing as the words are not subject to definition unless you know who is saying the words. For example if a Democrat uses the term it might be f’ing retard. This is offensive and grounds for removal from office. If a conservative talk show host uses the term f’ing retard, he is simply being sarcastic. If Sarah uses the term “the retarded one” she is making reference to Trig, so no offense should be taken.