Encountering an asshole at a music festival is about as surprising as encountering ants at a picnic, so it takes a special monster to rise above the rest and be singled out as one of the most horrible concert attendees (and humans) to have ever lived. Sadly, 19-year-old Conrad Slimak was all too happy to fill that role when, during the Lollapalooza music festival in Chicago this past Sunday, he punched an 11-year-old girl in the stomach for refusing to give him the Lollapalooza branded beach ball that she received while attending the event with her mother.


Michelle Fiore was walking with her daughter outside of the festival around 8:45pm when she was approached by Slimak and three of his friends, all of whom were wearing 3-day Lollapalooza wristbands. The group allegedly requested that the mother and daughter give them one of their souvenir beach balls and Fiore, thinking that they were joking, responded, "Sure, that will be $50.''

Reportedly, Slimak — going from being an annoying dickbag to a full-on barbarian — became upset, shouting, "I'm a college student. Does it look like I have money?" before punching the 11-year-old in the abdomen to force her to drop the ball.


"It's ridiculous,'' said Fiore to the Chicago Tribune. "We were attacked for a beach ball.''

The daughter — who thankfully was not injured enough to go the the hospital — and mother were then able to flag down a police car and Slimak was immediately caught and taken into custody where he was charged with misdemeanor battery and assault.

Hope it was worth it, Conrad, because your broke college-self (who, by the way, could afford a full weekend concert pass) is about to endure — in addition to being thrown in jail — a lifetime of being labeled as the full-grown asshole who punched a little girl because you wanted her toy.

Cops: Man punched girl, 11, to get beach ball at Lollapalooza [Chicago Tribune]