Prerequisites: Become a vegetarian

– Be a normal omnivore human being.

– Think of yourself as an animal lover. Have a pet or two during childhood.

– Hear about vegetarians/vegans – think about them as being weird tree-huggers.

– Realize one day that the animal flesh you have on your plate was a helpless animal that got slaughtered for your enjoyment. Ponder upon your own hypocrisy. You’re not an actual animal lover (yet).

– Take the plunge and become a vegetarian. This is right. You feel good about yourself.

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– Share the news happily among your friends. Be sure they’ll support and congratulate you. Face the opposite. Be ridiculed and hear “bacon” a lot more than before. Realize everyone is now suddenly worried about where you’re taking your nutrients from. Try to explain you couldn’t kill an animal yourself. That pigs, cows and chicken are actually much more intelligent than we give them credit for (you know this, you’ve read studies). Be ignored and mocked. Brush it off, you don’t care.

Years go by. You meet new people. You silently pray no one mentions you don’t eat meat at dinner. Someone does (spoiler, it’s not you). You get asked why. You smile and mumble “because ethics”, trying to avoid the conversation you had about 1000 times by now. They’re confused. They suddenly care about plant welfare. They don’t know that the animals they eat consume much more plant than you? Ponder upon the irony.

You hear a lot of the same stuff – that will lately help you on your road to becoming the butthurt vegan you never wanted to be – including the following:

– “If you were on a deserted island and you only had meat, would you eat it?” You’re confused. You ask if they’d eat their pet. They get confused. You wonder why they’re talking about something that’s not likely to happen. You brush it off.

– “Where do you get your protein?” You assume people just don’t know what proteins are. They’re obviously confused. You explain vegetables have plenty. They ignore you and ask why you’re forcing your beliefs on them. You were just answering a question. You brush it off.

– “Plants have feelings too” – see above.

– “But bacon is good” – Wonder why this is a good reason. Wonder if killing another human being because it feels good is OK, as long as you’re enjoying it. Don’t say it out loud. You don’t want to be THAT person that dares to think animals can suffer the same as a human being. You brush it off.

– “I can choose what I eat, it’s my choice” – You weren’t suggesting otherwise, just having a conversation you most probably didn’t want to have in the first place. Did someone ask the animal about their choice to be on your plate? Obviously not. They get annoyed, they ask why you’re forcing your beliefs on them. You weren’t, you were just trying to explain your point of view.

– Hear 2-3 jokes about being a vegetarian and wonder if there’s a list somewhere and if there is, someone should update it, it’s getting old by now. Smile and act like it was funny. (It wasn’t, you really heard each and every one hundreds of times by now).

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Start to get educated about dairy and egg industry. Be horrified. Realize what has been seen cannot be unseen and ignorance is bliss indeed. Also realize the only “good” reason you have for not being vegan is “cheese”. You think of all the times your heard “bacon”. Ponder upon your own hypocrisy. Go vegan.

Randomly see videos of cats, dogs, other cute animals and ponder upon human hypocrisy in general. See petitions about the Yulin dog festival, about random animals that aren’t considered food (zoos, circuses etc), posts about animal cruelty only in relation to pets. Ponder some more.

Have the same conversation about 1 billion times. Start getting slightly annoyed. Try not to be THAT vegan, smile. Smile. Brush it off.

Be ridiculed for caring about animals because apparently animal cruelty is funny and you should lighten up a bit and have some meat. It’s clearly the reason you’re angry. Starts getting harder to brush if off. Inhale, exhale, fuck it, you can ignore this shit. You’ve done it so many times before!

See posts about vegans being preachy. Wonder where are these preachy vegans, you only know one vegan, and that’s you. (and you’re kinda sad about it).

Have the 1 billion 1 conversation. Hear bacon for the gazzilion time. Finally get triggered. It’s happening. You thought you can take all the bad jokes and mockery because you see, dying animals are so much FUN! But you can’t. Smile while you’re actually boiling inside. Congratulations, you’re now a butthurt vegan!