Image: Mari Nupponen / Yle

Job loss and divorce are traumatic life events for anyone, but many men don’t have the tools to deal with their feelings and are left alone with their problems.

Psychologist and psychotherapist Lauri Mannermaa speaks about the phenomenon of “male shame” - that overwhelming feeling some men are plagued by that says they have failed to be the man that society and other men expect.

“It starts already in childhood, when a boy learns how men are supposed to behave. In truth our entire culture produces traumatized men. We separate emotions from intellect,” he says.

According to Mannermaa, male shame takes hold when, for example, a man who has been let go from his job still gets up every morning and leaves for a cafe or the library, so his neighbours won’t realise that he is unemployed.

“Men find it mortifying to have to admit that they didn’t get a job or were laid off – that ‘I am bad’. Men take great pride in their ability to weather any storm. We can’t talk about our feelings; that would be even worse. Most would rather die than admit that they are weak,” he says.

Mannermaa says the male sex is lost in contemporary society, where their value is no longer measured by how well they have hunted for their family or built a shelter from the cold. Modern-day man is expected to have some level of emotional intelligence, both at work and in the home.

“Our modern age is becoming less cognitive (knowledge-based) and more emotive (feelings-based). Few men are well-enough equipped for this,” says Mannermaa.

The leader loses his pack

It is important for humans to feel as if they belong to a group. Mannermaa says that boys learn at a young age already that it is better not to show weakness when they are surrounded by their male friends because they could stand the risk of being excluded from the group or bullied.

“Being one of the gang is so important to men that it takes precedence over everything else,” he says.

Male shame is something many men who have reached middle-age struggle with. Many continue to struggle as they grow older. Younger men, on the other hand, are more adept at recognising and talking about their feelings.

“This situation must surely be changing because men won’t manage unless it does,” Mannermaa says optimistically.

Your indoor amusement park

Psychologist Lauri Mannermaa has specialised in the treatment of men in his practice. He encourages men to explore their inner selves.

Getting to know yourself better improves your quality of life, he says. It also improves the quality of life of the people close to you. It is particularly important that growing boys learn to identify and talk about their feelings.

“Each of us has a very rich world inside of us. To explore our inner selves is like taking a trip around the world.”

“It’s like an amusement park that is somehow closed to us men. We don’t understand that we’ve just been strolling along the perimeter.”