The Kansas City Chiefs are never, ever trading away Marcus Peters. Ever. Not now, not in 2038 when he’s 45 and playing alongside his son in K.C.

I’m a fool for writing this, for even wasting my time on a piece that even bothers to ask and answer the question about Marcus Peters’s future with the Kansas City Chiefs. But there are enough fans scratching their heads based on enough social posts and articles positing these ideas, and it’s my duty as a decent human being and American citizen to help put this thing to bed.

Marcus Peters is not going anywhere. Ever. Not in 2018, not in 2028, not in 2038 when teams are offering Joe Montana, Jr. in trade talks.

Here’s the buffoon’s level of logic that got us this far, and from a complete idiot’s point of view, it makes sense. (Re-read those last few words if you’re inclined to interrupt so far with a “yeah, but are you sure?”)

Marcus Peters isn’t from here. He’s from Oakland. And he seems to like it there more than here. He’s actually friendly with some of our rivals. Marcus Peters caused some real distress last season. He’s overly emotional and I know from making a volcano in my 7th grade science fair that it’s only a matter of time until it blows. The locker room is basically Marcus Peters vs. the coaches. Marcus Peters won’t stand for the anthem, so the Chiefs won’t stand up for him. Something something suspension. Something something emotions. Something something refuse to tackle. You only interview for a new job when you’re ready to quit your current one. Brett Veach is stocking up at cornerback before he unloads his best one.

Shame on Mike Florio for bringing this to the thought process of mainstream football fans now wondering if their favorite team can put together a package of a 3rd and 7th round pick for Peters. Florio is the Charlie McGee here (Firestarter reference), so let’s just take this thing apart as he wrote it to show how flawed it is:

With the Chiefs adding veteran cornerback David Amerson and, officially in three weeks, acquiring cornerback Kendall Fuller as part of the Alex Smith trade…

NEWSFLASH: A team with four free agent defensive backs has signed two! They must be preparing to drop the single best defensive back on their team for pennies on the dollar in a passing league!

Here’s the reality, as if I have to say this: the Chiefs already released Darrelle Revis and could watch Kenny Acker, Steven Terrell, Phillip Gaines and Terrance Mitchell all depart via free agency. That’s 5 defensive backs. So far, Brett Veach, the team’s GM has brought in two. Of course, Peters is out the door.

…some in league circles are wondering whether the Chiefs will be making another transaction involving a cornerback.

When your story has to lead with “some in league circles are wondering,” that’s code for, “This article is a total sham. I am making this up as I’m typing right now.” Anyone could seriously do this. “Some in league circles are wondering if the Chiefs made a contract offer to Eric Hosmer.” Or how about, “Some in league circles believe the Chiefs are interested in bringing back Tyler Palko for another try at starting quarterback.” See?

And yes, this is actually a true sentence from Florio: The Chiefs will be making another transaction involving a corner. Hopefully a draft pick and another free agent and then another free agent. There’s plenty more work ahead in the secondary—just not the stupid sort of ideas you’re purporting. Speaking of…

The question being asked is whether Marcus Peters, a first-round pick in 2015, is available in trade.

No, this question is not being asked, unless you happened to gather a focus group of the Lee Greenwoods of the world who said they were done watching football because Marcus Peters has, y’know, opinions.

Peters has become one of the better cornerbacks in the NFL…

OMG! Someone turn off the alarm! Oh, the noise! Oh, the lights! Holy hell!

Sorry about that commotion. It’s been so long since someone set off our Embarrassment Alert that I forgot how to shut it down. Wow, that was unsettling!

To my dear friend Mike Florio, to avoid this sort of crazy calamity in the future, it goes something like this:

Marcus Peters entered the NFL as one of the better cornerbacks before he even played a down.

Marcus Peters became an elite cornerback at the end of his rookie season when it was clear that his instincts, athleticism, strength and intelligence made him a target to avoid for even the Tom Bradys of the league.

Marcus Peters has become a historically great cornerback in the NFL after three seasons. He has 21 interceptions since 2015. The next closest player has 14.

When it’s not even close between a player and the rest of his professional, elite peers, he’s not what you refer to as “one of the better cornerbacks.”

but Peters has at times been a bit of a handful for the Chiefs. The situation came to a head last season, when he seemed to try to get himself ejected, then seemed to assume he was ejected when he wasn’t, then returned to the sidelines with his uniform on and socks off, showing no intent to return to action. The incident, along with an argument with a coach, got Peters suspended for a game. For the Chiefs, it quietly may have been the last straw.

The suspension was definitely the last straw! How can the Chiefs coaches stand the way Peters came back and played over his head, ending the year with the most dominating stretch of football he’s ever played? I mean, he simply has to go, after the way he came back from that suspension! Who can stand his demeanor after such a lesson learned?

Subject to a fifth-year option, the Chiefs (or whoever holds his contractual rights) will have to decide by early May whether to extend the contract through 2019. As the new league year approaches, Peters has become a name to watch for a possible trade — especially with the guy who drafted him four years ago now the G.M. in Cleveland.

Let’s be clear: the only way that the Cleveland Browns will employ Marcus Peters is if they offer the No. 1 and No. 4 overall selections in this coming draft and, even then, the Chiefs wouldn’t take the deal. Why?

Because Marcus Peters is never going anywhere. Ever.