When I was growing up, there were three simple rules in our house:

1. Wash your hands before meals.

2. Bacon doesn't really count as a pork product.

3. Tottenham sucks.

My father instilled in me the belief that Spurs were the Devil's spawn. Nothing that has transpired over the ensuing decades has caused me to change that opinion -- not even the realization that Tottenham can no longer be classified as Arsenal's fiercest rival, just merely our closest geographical one. While only two miles separate these North London clubs that have been locked in mortal combat for more than a century, in terms of soccer supremacy the distance could traditionally be measured in light years.

As a friend who had the misfortune to have been born a Spurs fan -- yes, I have friends who support Tottenham, but I'm never seen in public with them -- recently admitted to me: "I always went to those derbies with a sense of trepidation rather than expectation." But even those who adopted Tottenham as adults, such as Bill Simmons, understood they were in for a lifetime of pain. As the Spurs Guy emailed me last week, "Being a pre-2004 Boston fan I sympathize with tortured fans so Spurs was the right pick for me."

And yet, much to my chagrin, I realized two years ago that the gap between the teams has been narrowing. At the time, Spurs had slunk into the Emirates, resting comfortably at the bottom of the Premier League while Arsenal sat smugly 14 points above Spurs. Despite a ridiculous 40-yard volley from David Bentley to open the scoring, Tottenham found themselves trailing 4-2 after 89 minutes. This being Harry Redknapp's first full game in charge of Spurs, I joined with my fellow Gooners in showing him a little Arsenal love:

Who's that team we all adore,

They play in red and white, and we're friggin' dynamite,

And Redknapp's mother is a whore oooohhhhhhhHHHHH

Every Spurs fan and Arsenal hater knows what happened next. Gael Clichy slipped, allowing Jermaine Jenas to run free to the edge of the area and unleash a curling shot past Manuel Almunia to make it 4-3. And then, four minutes into stoppage time, Luka Modric launched a Hail Mary screamer that caromed off the post. Before Williams Gallas could react, Aaron Lennon nipped in front of him and bundled the ball into the net.

4-4.

[+] Enlarge Carl De Souza/AFP/Getty Images The passion, the pride: Robin van Persie scores against Spurs at the Emirates in 2009.

I will never forget the sight of Redknapp maniacally charging down the sideline as if Spurs had won the league instead of just a single point.

And as I sat there in my eye-gouging depression, struggling to absorb what I had just witnessed, I realized that this would not be the last time, that Satan-ham vs. Arsenal would provide the kind of breathtaking entertainment that few rivalries can equal. Who says that local derbies have to be stultifying goal-less draws (sorry, I mean masterful exhibitions in the art of defending) like the recent Manchester snoozefest?

No, the history of Spurs-Gunners is replete with equal amounts of tribal passion and heart-stopping goals. And the latest installment which takes place this Saturday at the Emirates (you can watch it on ESPN3 and ESPN2, starting at 7:30 a.m. ET) promises to be no different. Arsenal is in second place, trailing league leader Chelsea by two points, while Tottenham hovers in seventh, seven points behind the Gunners. But it wouldn't matter if the teams were both teetering on relegation because the standings have never really been the point of this blood feud.

I learned that the first -- and last -- time I walked up Seven Sisters Road wearing an Arsenal shirt on my way to White Hart Lane. About 100 yards from the stadium, I felt the first of several phlegm missiles land on my jersey and turned around to observe a snarling mob of shaven-headed, heavily-tatted Spurs supporters serenading me in this charming manner:

"Hey-Ho, Hey-Ho, we are the Tottenham boys, If you are an Arsenal fan, surrender or you'll die."

And I thought wearing that Michael Vick jersey to a Westminster Kennel Club soiree was scary.

Sure, part of it is turf loyalty, but for Spurs fans it goes beyond that. Such is the depth of their suffering at the feet of Arsenal that you can forgive them for thinking they're cursed. Twice, the Gunners have won the league title at White Hart Lane, most recently in a 2002 classic that saw Spurs roar back from 2-0 down to draw 2-2 and celebrate as if they had just lifted the trophy. When it finally dawned on them that even though it had tied, Arsenal were still the champions, they gamely sang "At least you didn't beat us."

[+] Enlarge Simon Bruty/Getty Images Back in the day: Tottenham's Ossie Ardiles shields the ball from Gooner David Rocastle in 1987 at White Hart Lane.

But for sheer drama, nothing will ever eclipse the league cup semifinal replay in 1987 -- from an Arsenal fan's perspective, that is. Spurs had won the first leg 1-0 and when they went a goal up at halftime of the second leg they were so sure they were going through that the public address announcer informed the home fans that tickets for the final would go on sale shortly.

Imagine the horror that engulfed White Hart Lane when Arsenal scored twice in the second half to force a replay. Once again, Spurs went in front only for Arsenal to equalize in the 82nd minute and then win it in stoppage time on a goal by David "Rocky" Rocastle. Until that storied finish, the Gunners had never been ahead in the entire 300-minute marathon. Legend has it that there was a sharp increase of Spurs fans entering therapy following the loss.

This is not to suggest that Tottenham hasn't had its share of glorious moments in the rivalry. There was the 5-0 beatdown that Spurs laid on Arsenal in 1983 when Gunners keeper George Wood did his best Fabianski impression. And, of course, there was that free kick in the 1991 FA Cup semifinal at Wembley that remains seared in the memory. Just a month earlier, the great Paul Gascoigne had undergone abdominal surgery and on the eve of the match required two injections for his "stomach nerves." Yet it was Arsenal keeper David Seaman who appeared anethesized when Gazza ripped a 30-yard rocket past him that had even the most rabid Gooner applauding in awe.

Which brings us to this Saturday. The atmosphere at Emirates is sure to be as charged as a case of Four Loko, but all I ask is that the soccer is thrilling and worthy of this grand rivalry.

Oh, who am I kidding? If the Gunners don't go medieval on Spurs, then life as we know it will be over.

No pressure though: Arsenal 3, Tottenham 1.

David Hirshey has been covering soccer for more than 30 years and has written about the sport for The New York Times, Time, ESPN The Magazine and Deadspin. He is the co-author of "The ESPN World Cup Companion" and played himself (almost convincingly) in the acclaimed soccer documentary "Once in a Lifetime."