So… if you were to tell me, hey, you totally cheated by making the episode recap like barely about Angela and kind of about all of your pseudo-pysch thoughts on morality, I would say… probably something akin to “fuck”. Cause it’s not like I’ve noticed that some of my recaps are very tangentially related to the episode, and this one in particular is very unique especially for a swap episode. So here’s my mea culpa. I’m gonna directly cover this episode, probably going tribe by tribe. I don’t have much time, so I’m gonna get down and dirty over it.

Sometimes on the island, you kind of lose it, you know? I’ve said it before, but there’s no provisions, you’re sleeping on bamboo, and the lack of anyone you love can eat your psyche alive. So for the most part I don’t think it’s as weird as y’all might to grow a fixation, however strange it may be. Still, I can notice as well as anyone when someone’s gone off the deep end.

Building up strawmen in order to attack them is a tactic I usually witness in arguments, but I guess here it’s literal in the case of one Domenick Abbate. He opened up being on the new tribe with a confessional about being away from Chris, because Chris was always on his ass to send him home. Which, you know, is totally how I remember it too. Sure, Dom. I guess I should have expected the shrine, but, you know, people don’t usually do that.

Give credit where credit is due, Dom’s a better construction worker than I thought. The seven foot tall statue of Chris looked insanely lifelike despite being built from straw and coconut husks. A strawman indeed. Still, that’s things that get people to side-eye you a little- which is exactly what Desiree did. That’s one of my favorite confessionals ever just for the novelty factor. I don’t even think there were words in it. Just giving a dirty look like she was suspicious that Dom would eat her, which… we’ll get there when we get there.

The more the round went along, the more unhinged that Dom got. All the muttering insults and obscenities at the statue kind of built up to the calling/blindfold challenge, but still, it’s kind of a marvel. Whoever put Dom on to call was clearly not paying attention. I mean, he spent the entire time giving directions to Chris, so to speak. Chris wasn’t even on his tribe but got the deluxe Freeze Ace Freeze treatment.

I’m not sure who to blame for Chris running into poles and tripping full speed over the boxes of grain, but I will say leading Chris over to punch him in the nuts was a little unnecessary (as was the #DomenicksRevenge hashtag, and you’re lucky I didn’t include all the exclamation points and ones). Meanwhile the rest of Dom’s tribe was standing there absolutely clueless of what to do. Thank God that Donathan took mercy on them from Malolo and called for them- even if his accent was so thick that half the time Naviti had no clue of what to do regardless.

Somehow, they managed to eke by on the challenge, but after that it got weird. I like post-challenge scenes with winning tribes, even if they’re like horror films. And Dom… Dom flat out lost it. Such a waste of a statue too, but what can I say? Dom blamed Christatue for them losing, and that was the violent end of it. Didn’t know it could actually bleed, but that may have been from when Libby told him to knock it off and he clawed into her face.

Unsurprisingly, Dom put himself on the hot seat. Kellyn showed concern over the fact that Dom’s behavior may keep them from Pagonging the Malolos, and wished that Libby would stop bleeding. As she said “it’s just earning her sympathy at this point, and that’s not good for my game”. It seems like Desiree is considering flipping, but Dom’s insistent to Kellyn that even if she does, he has James, because James goes by the honor code.

Yeah, things aren’t looking good for OG Naviti. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that, but I never expected it like this.

Comparatively, Yanuya was quieter- which makes sense as it’s the tribe with Chelsea on it. I mean, what really happened? Chris basically burned away all goodwill he built on NuNaviti by being condescending as hell while building the shelter. Turns out insisting you’ll build it alone so the fragile lady-muscles won’t be hurt isn’t really the best thing for a model to say to a military member, who’d have thunk.

Thank god we had Chelsea’s breakout where she basically emasculated him to his face- especially when the shelter broke and she congratulated him on a great job. Though telling her that she should be grateful for being too lazy to do any of the work… I’m sorry, that made me crack up. Especially since his plan was to get a few bamboo logs and then rest for an hour to keep his energy up before throwing them together. I’m no contractor but… bitch please.

Him immediately telling Wendell he was on his side after the whole Dom vs Chris thing won’t work for him- especially since he’s convinced he has Angela’s vote. Angela’s already talked about laying down her torch to his face because she can’t stomach voting out a member of her family, but surprise surprise at Chris not listening to her I guess.

The real trip, obviously, was when Sebastian was sent to Ghost Island. May I just say, and I hate to admit it… I’m real happy to see it return. Moreover, I’m really excited to see the game work out for Sebastian. I thought it was weird that he saw the game and went to surf on a piece of driftwood, but he got it after he couldn’t find any judges. Good thing, too, because this item was the infamous fucking stick!

Let me just say, it could not have worked any better.

I never expected the stick to fool its actual owner.

Amazing. Simply amazing. He eschewed the paper- which would have told him it’s a fake idol for his usage- and instead grabbed the stick and told the cameras how excellent it was to have his own idol. I mean, Jason Siska is off the hook forever because Sebastian had a note telling him it was fake and the past season where it- a literal stick- was a demonstrable fake, and still believed it.

I cannot wait to see how this turns out. Sebastian said it best himself- “I can’t wait to trick the tricky dicks with my wicked stick, bic!” I just can’t wait til he sees who the tricky tricked dick is.

But let’s be real. This is what you came for.

Picture this lineup, before you even get into this episode, and tell me who would be the most fucked of them all. Three guesses and the first two don’t count. I don’t know if Bradley is the most swapfucked person in Survivor history, but let’s be real- even with the way he treated the Malolos, he’s gotta be up there. Plus, there was still sand on his beach, so… not a good day for the Almighty Bradster, as he calls himself.

As soon as they got back to camp, Jenna and Michael told the others how screwed up Bradley was. This was stuff even I don’t know and I never would have guessed. Him denying them food, using Michael as a footrest, demanding they strip nude so he could fashion a blanket from their clothes so they could place it on the sand to protect his feet… yeah, it’s a little much. Granted, Bradley denied it so well I was almost convinced- and even partway through the episode Reddit was sending her death threats, which were wholly unnecessary.

After they threw the challenge, it seemed set that Bradley was going home. Michael had already checked his bags and demanded he strip so he could search for an idol- a move I am sure will gather him player of the week. Then, after Jenna echoed the demand… that happened.

At this point, I have to ask. Do you still believe Bradley? Do you still think he was misunderstood and lied about by that bitch Jenna? Because when Bradley revealed his true form as Beelzebub and literally bit Jenna’s head off like they were in Mortal Kombat before flying away, I kind of stopped believing him.

I mean, yeah, it won’t stop Jenna from getting death threats, but at this point they’re redundant. I just think she was telling the truth while she was alive, seeing as Bradley was, like, literally Satan. But at least it’s not all bad. I mean… with the double elimination we might not have a seven person finale.

Next Time on… Survivor!

Maybe I spoke too soon… but I’ll be honest, I love the idea of an outcast twist. I think this season really needs it. My inclination is to root for Stephanie, but in actuality I should be sympathetic and root for Jenna’s severed head. It has a tragic backstory.

I’ll see you all when we get there.

-Cam

P.S. I gave this April Fools thing the old college try. It was fun! But still, I’m just glad to be writing articles for you to read in the first place. It’s become my #3 passion in life and I really appreciate every view and like I get from this. After HHH, I was really unsure if I wanted to keep writing, but I can’t stay away. It’s been a pleasure and it still will be.