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SETI: 52 percent

YouTube has no shortage of fat women riding mechanical bulls, and the reason for this is obvious. A 400-pound lady struggling onto a robot cow is exactly why they put a camera on your phone. Hydraulic lifts call these videos "sex tapes."

What's special about this one is that it isn't the same old slow, heaving build to a predictable fall. Instead, the mechanical bull operator gives us two sneak previews of what's coming. He barely starts the bull twice, and even on the lowest setting, it instantly sends the woman's face crashing into the bull. It's almost like like her lower body was only there to dangle while her top half bounced through our world. This woman's weight distribution is a medical anomaly. You can't counterbalance a garbage bag full of hams with two hollow mannequin legs and call it a person -- that's how you build a trebuchet.

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H- How!?

Future victims of hilarious violence can exacerbate their upcoming impact by building up potential energy. I went to public school, so my understanding of potential energy mostly comes from a book report I did on the film Ski Patrol, but it's something like this: You can tell how hard someone is going to party at the bottom of a mountain by how stupid they look at the top of it.

As you can see from the video, this woman spends a huge amount of time looking stupid and building up nervous energy. SETI Fact: When an asshole is about to eat shit, nervous energy has the same scientific properties as potential energy. The longer you giggle and chat before a fall, the longer Physics has to stand behind you and wait, and Physics hates waiting. So as Physics watched this silly woman learn nothing from two face plants, it decided that as soon as that bull got turned up to 0.5, it was going to stop wasting everyone's time and drive her head into it with the screaming power of 1,000 meteors. The universe is like a loose-cannon cop: Sometimes it has to break the law to enforce it.