OK, skip this piece if you don't like expletives. I am only lukewarm about them myself, but there's no other way of describing this. So anyway, I had reservations about even signing into Chatroulette, because apparently one in 10 of your chat partners is wanking. My boyfriend, C, said: "That's just the odds of life, though, isn't it? One in 10 …"

"WHAT? What life? Do I even know you?" We eyeballed each other. It was like the Bay of Pigs for a second. "Oh, wanking," he said. "I thought you said wanky."

The first was this really handsome Argentinian chap. He looked like Che Guevara. "You look like Che Guevara," I offered. "I am a revolutionary," he said. "My revolution is to make the attractive older woman feel young again." That really is what he said. I tried to get a screen grab but I didn't, at that point, know how to do it.

"This is one of the penalties of being the older internet user," I said. "It is good," he returned. "I can be UR secret." Oh man. This is making me feel so much sicker than some honest masturbation.

The next person skipped me straight away. And the next one. I'm ready to slit my wrists now. The next one was a foxy young woman, so I skipped her, but as a courtesy I told her first that I couldn't think of anything to say that might interest her. C was hovering behind me, I realised. As if I'm not offputting enough on my own! I shooed him to his own computer.

The next was a screen that said "bra, boobs, arse, cock" (my punctuation). The next was a woman giving a man a blowjob (they skipped me). C suddenly says from the other side of the room: "You get lots of cock but no actual erections." Coincidentally, I was for that split second able to say: "I've got an erection." If you could hear us without the words, you'd think we were polyfilla-ing our skirting boards.

A young fat lady in a hat came on, and skipped me. An American man, a picture of resigned depression, asked me if it was raining in London. I skipped him. C said: "Put the dog in front of the webcam, then hide." I tried to get the dog into the chair, which has wheels, and he was totally appalled. Idiot, idiot! Why didn't I just move the laptop to the sofa? I am too old for this game. Another cock. And another. Two women, masturbating, then an incredibly lurid close-up of an anus. They should call it wank-roulette, although these odds are about one in four. They should call it wank-worse-odds-than-roulette. Or-better-depending-on-what-you're-after.