The red light above the camera meant we were on-air, so I argued for more gun control. The guest was a veteran media lunatic who bragged about his vanity arsenal. Mostly, I babbled anxiously—just opened my mouth and let the words parade out. My position was not persuasive to anyone watching.

Once we were off-air, my sparring partner proudly showed me his concealed weapon. It was a very nice, very expensive revolver. I pointed that out. We laughed, because, for a moment, we were just two people. I have seen plenty of guns. I have shot guns. I just happen to think the NRA is a white power lobby.

I was a Fox News pundit because I am a conceited man who likes free makeup. I'd go on the air and smile and support Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders and smile some more. Once I may have mentioned that capitalism despises weakness, but I think that taping's broadcast was preempted. I don't know what came over me.

Mostly I just grinned. Showed my teeth. I was on television! In our society, you exist if you're on television. You are trusted, and I do not know why this is true. It is a good rule of thumb to never trust what anyone says on television, because television was invented to sell you soap. Think about it: you probably watch a lot of television and you have so much soap. (Newspapers are different. They are primarily concerned with delivering you coupons.)

In our society, you exist if you're on television. You are trusted.

Fox News / Photo illustration by Kevin Peralta

For seven years, on and off, I was a pundit. That word is derived from the Sanskrit for "learned man," which is a really funny joke if you think about it. I would show up to the studio wearing a discount blazer I bought at Burlington Coat Factory. I would then practice my talking points in the Fox News bathroom mirror. I have worked hard to rid myself of my cursed lisp and, according to many anonymous Twitter accounts, was unsuccessful. I would shake hands with conservative legends in the green room before casually examining the complimentary snacks. Sometimes I'd wrap a few white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies in a paper napkin for the road. They would send me home from their midtown studio in a sleek black SUV, in the back of which I would take selfies. I felt like the U.S. Secretary of Dork.

No one at Fox ever pushed back on my talking points. They were always friendly. The producers, bookers, and the hair and makeup people were all very accommodating and encouraging. The talent were all professionals. The women I met were formidable, the men jolly with privilege. I was quite fond of an arch-conservative Dumbledore type.

Sure, there were some people who made me wince: aging hipsters desperate for attention, young princes with daddy issues, and bigoted scarecrows. Most of these people were very angry. If you regularly appear on TV to share your opinion, things are probably going pretty well for you, so I never understood the anger.

I can't say I ever saw any sexual harassment. But I'm a white straight male. I am practically defined by what I don't see, can't see, won't see. Then, at home, I'd actually watch male anchors bulldoze over their female colleagues sitting in a chair specially positioned to show off their legs and whisper to myself, "That is some sexist shit right there." Fox is a boys club, and you know the old saying: boys will be monsters, indifferent to the suffering of anyone but themselves.

Fox is a boys club, and you know the old saying: boys will be monsters, indifferent to the suffering of anyone but themselves.

(Actually, I'm biracial. My mom is Mexican-American. But, shhhh, don't tell anyone, especially those who are in charge. The perks of being a member of the power caste are great.)

Fox News / Photo illustration by Kevin Peralta

I was never allowed near the executives, of course. I was just a imperious blowhard. Human filler. There are a dozen just like me ready to step in once this essay is published.

But, mostly, the rules of decent human interaction reigned. If I was given respect it's because I gave it. I had Southern manners beaten into me as a kid, and in the South manners are a useful strategy for not getting shot—especially if you're a white person talking to another white person with a gun. I met, and befriended, many conservative journalists who are brilliant and committed to their beliefs. More often than not they were smarter than I was, and maybe I learned something from them. Please don't excommunicate me from the liberal drum circle, I am only human. Imperfect.

To conservative viewers I was a liberal. They lovingly called me a "commie." Well, mostly lovingly. One thing you should know about cable news is you're never going to win the debate if you're the guest. The best you can do is try to explain your position without losing your mind in front of millions of people. I suppose my primary political ideology is self-interest. I played a liberal on conservative media because it was in my self-interest to look pretty on television.

This is what I learned during seven years on the air: I guess it's amazing what you'll say for a lot of money, or very little money, or, in my case, no money.

It's amazing what you'll say for a lot of money, or very little money, or, in my case, no money.

My late father worked for a Democratic U.S. Senator for decades. Politics was the family business. I remember him giving me only one piece of political advice: always call someone when they lose an election. It was a simple calculation. No one returns your call when you're down, and you'll remember those who did when you're back up. The odds are good that you will be, too. Politics is a long game.

No one called or emailed me back when I was laid off from a job in 2007—that is, except for a Fox News producer, who is still a friend to this day. I became a liberal talking head on his late-night "funny" show. And it was funny. Traditionally, conservatives aren't funny, but then again, liberals aren't very useful during a zombie apocalypse.

My friends would always be horrified that I was going on Fox News. How is it possible that I would like people with whom I disagree? I don't know. It's a mystery. Perhaps the answer is: people are complicated? But that's no way to go through life. Being intractable feels real good. Movie heroes are intractable! In my experience, however, people who refuse to change miss high school a little too much.

How is it possible that I would like people with whom I disagree? Perhaps the answer is: people are complicated?

Fox News / Photo illustration by Kevin Peralta

But I don't think my dad would have been horrified. He used to listen to Rush Limbaugh in the car. When I'd ask him why he was listening to him, he'd respond, with a twinkle in his eye, "You have to know what the enemy is saying." The opposition wasn't the enemy, of course. They were just the other side— friends and family who would have to be defeated at the ballot box.

I always liked the idea of a loyal opposition, that we're all in this together. I am not a politician, nor am I an activist. I try not to block people who disagree with me on social media. I try to listen. But partisan rage is a helluva drug and appearing on Fox was thrilling. Blasphemy is a rush. Oh, gosh, I used to say the most outrageous things at brunch.

There is no corporate media conspiracy. I know this because I've journeyed into the heart of cable news. It's, honestly, a miracle that any truth—even a dollop—ever gets through because power prefers silence. The closest thing that resembles a conspiracy is the fact that media and politics both want to give you what you want. And what you want is to be told lies. The media has no strategy beyond primal survival. And what you want is to be told lies, served with a healthy squirt of fear on the side. Fear is America's favorite condiment. The media has no strategy beyond primal survival.

According to Pew Research Center, almost a quarter of Americans get their news exclusively from Fox News. That means the overwhelming majority of the country is watching the news on three networks, two major cable channels, public television, and countless other platforms.

Fox News has a very loyal audience that, demographically, is in the minority. They're mostly older, white, and male. They do not live in the godless liberal city-states of New Francisco, Los York, or San Angeles. The network is fair and balanced and conservative. Objectivity has always been a sales pitch.

Objectivity has always been a sales pitch.

If you can get a quarter of Americans to buy anything, you're rich. That is the news business: attracting viewers with the promise of information like What's In Your Medicine Cabinet Might Kill You. (I know that some journalists are romantic about their profession. I am not.)

Fox News / Photo illustration by Kevin Peralta

In a way, Fox News is outsider performance art. I'd call it propaganda if it weren't so sloppy and eager to please. In other ways, it's an Alamo of truth for Americans who don't like the way the country is changing. These people are your neighbors. Their voices deserve to be heard, and you do not have to like it. I prefer my racists and homophobes to be loud and proud so I can hear them coming.

Fox News was a really big fishbowl—a 24/7 rally reinforcing tribal integrity. It's hard to understand from the outside, but you change when thousands, or tens of thousands, or even millions of other people tell you you're right. No one ever told me I was right, so my transformation into a gasbag was stunted.

Here's how to be a cable news talking head: take yourself seriously. Wait, you're not taking yourself seriously enough. That's better. Friend, you're camera ready.

I won't name check the people I worked with and knew at Fox News. That would be impolite. I know essays like these need to name names the way cancer cells need to consume glucose to grow. But the ugly truth is I like many people at Fox News. Even those who are wrong, wrong, wrong.

It goes without saying I probably won't be a Fox News pundit anytime soon. But that is okay. Life is melancholy like that. For seven years, I was beautiful. I will return the calls of anyone I knew over there in a heartbeat. But I don't think I'm particularly good at giving my opinions anymore. I just can't take myself seriously, especially when the panel is told to talk about serious issues seriously

Yes, I am a sellout. I have no beliefs. I am morally bankrupt. I was just a guy who was on cable television for a few minutes. I stuck to my guns when I could, and showed my belly when I couldn't. So I spent a lot of time nervously chatting with intellectuals and DC insiders at Fox News. The most basic survival tactic when one finds oneself in mixed political company is to ask, "What do you think?" It works every time.

What do you think?