Pop culture has lied to you about the Pentagon. The nerve center of the U.S. military, the movies would have you believe, is a teeming hive of warplanning, a citadel on the Potomac where polished brass plan wars and calculate in dimly lit rooms how to deter attacks. Ask anyone who works here, though, and you'll learn that the Pentagon is so much less than that. Sure, the work of national defense actually gets done here. But it's actually a giant mall. No, really. You can buy any kind of random tchotchke here, from novelty Army-themed shot glasses to an Xbox 360. You can get your hair did and your nails buffed. And you can get all the empty calories you want: with over 20,000 people working in 6.5 million square feet of office, the food courts are as numerous as they are fat-filled. No one in Dr. Strangelove ever munched on a Whopper. But in the real Pentagon, nothing goes with the nuclear codes like a greasy burger. Chocolate Rain (of Terror) If it has patriotic value, the Edward Marc candy shop can make something chocolatey out of it. (The Marine Corps logo? Semper Fi, fat boy.) Inexplicably, the chocolatier is one of the first things a visitor sees after coming up the escalator from the Metro entrance. This edible model of the building costs only $1.95. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

I'm at the Combination Pentagon and Taco Bell The Pentagon is one of the largest office buildings in the world. But you are never more than a stone's throw away from fast food. McDonald's. Popeye's. Burger King. There's a Baskin Robbins barely 50 yards from the press pen, which is just cruel. The Taco Bell is more of a hike, but military life rewards the bold. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

Military Bling What says "most powerful killing machine ever created" like princess-cut diamonds and filigreed bracelets? The very patient jewelers at the Pentagon will keep you iced out in your arctic camo. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

From M4s to Pedicures A long day's march can be murder on the toenails, and all those hours on the shooting range will mess with your cuticles. Treat yourself to a mani-pedi. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

The Art of War Imagine if Thomas Kinkade had served in uniform. That's what you'll get at the Pentagon's paintings shop -- gauzy, unsubtle oil-on-canvas depictions (and tasteful reproductions!) of military scenes. Why someone would want portraiture of being wounded in battle is a separate question. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

The War of The Roses The florist shop is actually one of the more practical offices in the Pentagon. Roughly 23,000 people work here, many of them putting in grueling hours. They're going to forget their loved ones' special day -- until they pass by the florist, and get bailed out. Plus, their prices are stable, which gives them a leg up on the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

Begone, Helmet Hair Just playing -- no one wears a helmet here. But the parade of colonels and captains who work here do need to keep their coifs regulation-length. Luckily there's a place where you can stop in to touch up your high-and-tight without having to duck out of the admiral's briefing. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

Hell-Bent for Leather Military life means changing addresses -- a lot. To cope with the dreaded PCSing (that is, the verbed version of the acronym Permanent Change of Station; what we civilians call "moving") there's a luggage store a few corridors down from the office, and it sells the finest in leather goods. Especially if you like marked-down Louis Vuitton. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

Wired for War Bored by the endless PowerPoints that a day in the Pentagon promises? Sneak out to the Best Buy to figure out how you can finance an iPad on a bureaucrat's salary. Or linger in front of the big flatscreens and get caught up in a Lost episode. The store has saved many a beat journalist whose voice recorder ate it right before a budget briefing. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com

The World's Deadliest Tchotchkes By far the most meta store in the Pentagon. From windbreakers to shot glasses to snapback baseball caps, the gift shop turns the movie version of the Pentagon -- the fantasy one where it's all war-planning, all the time -- into cheesy collectables to hawk to the out-of-towners and class trips that take the daily guided tours. If only they made a sweatshirt with an image of an idle lieutenant colonel waiting to be promoted. Photo: Spencer Ackerman/Wired.com