FREMONT, CA—Calling his profound feelings of emptiness “almost too painful to bear,” Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, the Boring Company, and a variety of other tech and infrastructure firms, reportedly offered $1.2 billion in grants Wednesday to any project that could make him feel complete. “Even after all I’ve accomplished in this world, there is still a gaping hole inside of me that no amount of innovation or entrepreneurship has been able to fill,” said Musk, who added that he would consider funding any initiative, in any industry, at any scale that might begin to close the ever-widening chasm at the core of his being. “If you can prove that your venture will give me any measure of wholeness—anything, anything at all—my money is yours. All I ask in return is to feel some sense of purpose in this bleak and pointless existence.” Musk went on to offer an additional $1.2 billion to anyone who could show him the meaning of what people often refer to as “love.”

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