A couple of months ago, my Amazon account got hacked. Not through any fault of Amazon, most likely because the email/password combination I was using hadn’t been changed since flip phones were fashionable.

I discovered this, not from Amazon informing me, but as I was checking my emails and saw a group of rather unexpected messages from Amazon. The first was a single-use password for my Amazon account. The second was thanking me for updating my delivery address to a location I had never heard of, on an order that I had apparently placed. A loud and obnoxious alarm started ringing in my head.

The third email was from Amazon support, telling me that they were sorry to hear about the problem I’d had with my graphics card, which I had ordered a year previously, and that they’d placed a new order for a replacement. That’s as far as I got before frantically clicking to the next email.

Your Amazon.co.uk order of “MSI GTX 980TI Gaming…” has been dispatched.

No.

Your Amazon.co.uk order # 204–0628… is out for delivery.

Please no.

Single-use Password for Amazon account.

Stop please.

Delivery of your Amazon.co.uk order # 204–0628…

Oh, hello terrified hot feeling.

Your Amazon.co.uk Enquiry

Hello,

Further to our chat conversation, I am updating you through an e-mail.

I've closed your account now.

The words, “Well, that’s fucking unfortunate” drifted through my head for a brief moment, before being chased off by the much more useful “How the fuck do I contact Amazon?”

I jumped onto Amazon.co.uk, poked around the footer and hopped between pages for a few minutes, before finally finding the “Contact Us” page hidden away in the dark recesses of the site. I quickly opened a text chat and told the support staff everything that had happened. They said they’d pass it on to the relevant department and that I’d hear back from them in at least 3 days.

A couple of days later, I received an email from Amazon telling me that they’d disabled my account password, reversed any changes made to my account, and cancelled any pending orders. By this time, I’d already changed all my passwords and checked all the other accounts I could think of that had any access to my money. I also checked my bank account to see if any money had been taken but, thankfully, nothing had. Everything was back to normal and I could finally relax.

More than a month went by before things with Amazon got shitty again.

One Sunday evening, an email from Amazon popped up on my phone.

You've been charged for MSI GTX 980TI Gaming Graphics…

We've charged £569.94 to your Visa.

You fucking what?

I checked my bank account and, to my horror, found a rather large £569.94 shaped hole in it. A hole which I could absolutely not afford to have.

“Well, that’s fucking unfortunate” drifted through my mind once more and, again, was quickly shoved aside by “How the fuck do I get to that contact page again?”

And, after a few minutes of scouring the dense thicket that is all the other pages on Amazon.co.uk, I finally found the contact page and opened a text chat.

I told the support staff that my account had been hacked a month previously but it had all been sorted, and that for some reason I had been charged £569.94. The support staff said something along the lines of “I’ll pass it on to the relevant department, who should be able to sort out a refund and will get back to you within 3 days”. I don’t remember exactly what was said, and it didn’t occur to me to check the “Email me a transcript” checkbox. Why would it? My previous interactions with Amazon support had been relatively smooth. Why would this be any different?

So I waited.

5 days later and, having heard nothing, I contacted Amazon support again. I explained everything again — about the hack, the money — and told them that I had contacted them previously and had heard nothing in response. They apologised, told me that they’d pass it on to the relevant department and that I should hear back from them within 3 days.

A couple of days later, I received an email from Amazon telling me that they’d disabled my password, reversed any changes, and cancelled any orders.

What?

Clearly the message wasn't getting through to them that they’d stolen £569.94 from me and that I’d very much like it back. So I go looking for the contact page again, and open another text chat.

I'm sorry, we’re having some trouble with our system at the moment. Please try again later.

Okay, it happens.

The next day, I decided to call them up. With the route to the contact page fresh in my mind, it took me mere minutes to find it again. On doing so, I quickly went for the “Call” button and waited for my phone to ring.

When I finally got through to a support person, I started explaining to them what had happened.

Click.

I looked at my computer screen and saw the message ”Your call has been disconnected”.

I clicked the “Call” button again, and when I got through to another support person I, again, started explaining what had happened. Or, at least, I tried to. The connection was awful and, once more, my call was disconnected.

Obnoxious click.

Annoyed, I started wondering if it was my phone. I checked the battery: full charge. I checked the signal: 4G, full bars. I closed all the apps I had open, and I even called my home landline to see if it would disconnect. Everything seemed fine, so I tried again.

When I finally managed to get through, I spoke to the support person and explained everything that had happened. He informed me that apparently my previous contacts had been sent to the “correct department” but, the money hadn't been the emphasised. The old hack had. He then told me that he’d try to authorise the refund, and put me on hold.

I’d like to take a moment to mention how much I fucking loath that hold music.

After a couple of minutes, I was told that he couldn’t authorise the refund due to the amount, and that he’d have to send it to another department for approval. He said that I should hear back from them within 3 days, and that he would either email me to confirm the refund or call me if there was any issue.

A week later, I hadn’t heard anything.

By this point, it had been nearly a month since the money had been taken from my account, and the only reason I hadn’t gone into debt was due to a partial advance on my paycheck from work.

Annoyed, and bordering on angry (an emotion that, despite my generally profanity-filled speech, I very rarely feel), I called again.

The moment the support person detected the sound of annoyance in my voice, the sound of her voice went from disinterested support staff to scared and shell-shocked.

I’ve seen firsthand how assholes on phones can practically break the person on the other end, and I never want to be that asshole, but by that point, any empathy, sympathy, or understanding I’d had for Amazon support and the people that worked there had been completely drained from me. Not being that asshole took all the self-restraint and not-liking-to-talk-over-the-phone social anxiety I had left.

As I was describing what had happened over the last 2 months, all she could say was “Oh no” over and over again.

I asked her, “Is there ANYTHING you can do?”

“No.”

“Is there anyone I can speak to?”

“Who would you like to speak to?”

“ANYONE with any power whatsoever.”

“No.”

“Can you send me the information you have on this and my communication?”

“No.”

“Is there anything you can do at all!?”

“… I can pass your information on to the relevant department … I’m entering it now …”

“Do you know how long it will take?”

“Within 48 hours.”

“Fine.”

Fucking pissed, I hung up.

In one email, Amazon had wrongly taken nearly £570 from me, and in nearly 4 weeks of text chats and phone calls, I’d gotten nowhere close to getting any of it back.

Angry and exasperated, I did the only thing I could think of that might draw more attention to my issue. I called Amazon fucking useless cunts on Twitter.

If there’s one thing large companies are good at doing on Twitter, it’s trying to save face and make themselves look good. After a short Twitter exchange with Amazon Help, I was asked to fill out a form that would allow them to “personally” look into the issue for me. Incidentally, each response I received from the Amazon Help Twitter account was signed by a different person. Real fucking “personal”.

Once again, I explained everything that had happened and submitted the form.

Just before 6am the next morning, I received a nice kick in the balls via an email from Amazon.

Recent Changes to Your Amazon.co.uk Account

We have taken these steps to restore your account:

- Disabled the password to your account

- Reversed any changes made by this party

- Cancelled any pending orders

We recently processed these charges on your Visa:

- £569.94

That last bit wasn't a refund. They just wanted to make sure they really rubbed in the fact that they’d taken my money.

That brings us to now.

Since it’s clear that I'm not getting anything back from Amazon, I’m doing the last, most adult, thing left I can do. Yell, kick, and scream into the endless void that is the internet about how shitty Amazon support is.

Fuck you, Amazon. Useless cunts.