All About Love – bell hooks

It’s nice to see that I’m not yet too old to have a book completely change my attitude towards something. This was the case with bell hooks’ All About Love, a book I’d come across from this article.

It is in part a philosophical exploration of the concept of love, both romantic and between friends and family, in part a psychoanalysis of the way in which our society treats love, and in part a memoir of the author’s own journey of self-discovery of what love means to her. hooks’ contention is that love reveals itself in the actions of love. It is incompatible with any intentional hurt towards those one loves. Because of this, it becomes clear that most people in our western society have never experienced love.

This doesn’t of course mean, hooks says, that we haven’t experienced care and nurturing in our familial homes and romantic relationships. It simply means that love is beyond the grasp of most in our society, where we are encouraged to seek not closeness and intimacy, but rather material gains. The ideals of masculinity and femininity in our society further prevent any possibility of closeness. hooks, quite rightly I think, points out the difference between the way in which young boys and young girls are raised (not to mention the confused and uncertain way in which those who don’t fit neatly into either of those categories are treated). Girls, hooks says, are always encouraged to share their feelings, but at the same time taught that their feelings will prevent them from being loved. That who they are, is not who others want to love. Similarly, boys are encouraged to hold their feelings in. Showing emotion is a sign of weakness.

These discordant ways of raising children because our adults to be unable to properly engage in their relationships. Not because of a malicious will on either part (though certainly that is a possibility in some cases), but simply because children are not prepared to become loving adults. hooks argues we need to be open to love, and only then will we be able to find love. And this ‘finding’ of love, is not beyond our control. It is an activity. “Love” in bell hooks dictionary is certainly a verb. It requires commitment to actually loving someone, and not merely taking our emotions for granted.

Many of these things appear obvious once pointed out. Yet, from myself, and other men I know, they are not apparent to all. Perhaps because of the inherently privileged way in which our society construes men we are unable to see the inequality. It is always most difficult to see it from the position of power.

I could go on, but I won’t because I feel the book is much better at explaining itself than I am. If you’ve ever loved and been hurt, if you think you know everything about love, if you just want to know more, I implore you to seek this book out. Here are the helpful links to Book Depository and Amazon for your convenience.