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CASUALLY referred to by his government as a ‘£2.1 billion No Deal and hard border funding package’, the measures contained in Boris Johnson’s plans for Irish Reunification have been met with universal praise by those who advocate for a United Ireland.

While the British media was busy confirming that communist Taoiseach Leo Varadkar was in the IRA and was the man who forced Britain into voluntarily self-harming against their will in the form of the Tories pushing through Brexit at all costs, Johnson announced the comprehensive Irish Reunification package on his Belfast visit during which he praised ‘The Good Fry Day Agreement’.

“Our Irish Reunification Plan is in a fluid state so much so that every time Boris opens his mouth, he is actively making a United Ireland a more distinct possibility,” explained one of Johnson’s aides, just back from taking the DUP to the cinema and getting them all ice creams, “but obviously we have to have the return to harmless paramilitary violence and killings first, then a border poll and referendum on Irish unification before it’s fully in place”.

The reunification fund will marry all the hallmarks of Johnson’s visionary leadership together such as vague details, outright lies, condescension to citizens in Northern Ireland, even more lies and making normal people pay gravely for his incompetence.

There has been some concern that the £2.1 billion funding could be, via some cock up or fluke, mistakenly spent on improving the lives of poor people in the UK, however, Johnson’s government has confirmed this money will only go towards making sure everyone in Britain is worse off.