Struggling to be a Stoic Problem Solver?

It’s Time to use King Solomon’s Solution

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are. — Marcus Aurelius

Think back to the last time you had a problem. Can you think of something? My guess is the answer is… ‘yes’. My second guess is, you didn’t have to think too far back.

We’re so damn good at problems; and by that I mean having them, not solving them. Now anyone who’s working in the field of psychology, mentoring or coaching, knows something important about problems; and it’s this…

The problem or dilemma, in large part, is solved (or not) by the types of questions we ask. That means both the questions we ask as therapists and those we ask ourselves when we have an issue to solve.

Of course, Socrates was onto this with his Socratic questioning techniques; the purpose of which was to challenge the accuracy and completeness of thinking, so truth and wisdom prevail. Intelligent questions, lead to intelligent answers; the trouble is we’re often too steeped in our emotional mire to discover what they are. However, new research by The University of Waterloo has provided a process that might aid our emotional intelligence and problem-solving skills.

So, before we explore what that is, I’ll set you a little challenge. Here is a real-life case presented in therapy. Take a look at the types of questions asked by the client and see what you notice.

The Wrong Types Of Questions

Georgia has it all! A luxurious life, high-flying career, friends, good-looks and creativity. She tells me she’s stressed and needs a ‘life-style’ balance. She says she wants to quit knocking back 5 gins every night and sleep without worrying. She wants to stop feeling lonely. She’s asking, ‘Why am I so miserable when I have so much?’. ‘What can’t I find a good man?’. ‘What’s wrong with me that I can’t use self-discipline?’.

Now, without doubt she’s in a quandary. Her pain is real. But did you spot the issue with her questions?

If so, you’ll notice they’re the types of questions we ask repeatedly when we hit some bother. It’s standard to get caught up investigating the hassles we’re facing. We consistently default to asking, ‘Why do I have this problem?’ ‘Why am I miserable/anxious/depressed?’, ‘What’s wrong with me?’

BUT if our goal is to find a solution and move out of the mind mud, then… they’re the wrong questions. Because the questions being asked are not on the level where the solution lives. Albert Einstein recognised this when he told us…

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Research in neuroscience also shows that if we ask problem-focused questions, we get problem-focused answers.

So What Can We do?

The psychologist Albert Ellis the champion of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and Stoic sympathiser, tells us that if 100 people have the exact same problem, background and biochemistry, they won’t all react in the same way when their world shatters.

Some will thrive and rise stronger after a crisis; others will falter and fail to get over it. Some can’t even bear to stay alive. And what we really want to know is…how? What are the processes that the thrivers and survivors use to get unstuck and flourish in the face of adversity?

Well, there are hundreds of strategies that can be used to embrace a fresh perspective; and the first thing we can do is back up from the problem. Because the mind that’s creating the problem is not the one that has the solution.

Statements such as ‘I hate my life’ or ‘I don’t want this’, are fine starting points for change. But they should act as signals that trigger something new; they’re NOT the place to dwell.

Exploring Solomon’s Paradox — Problem-Solving in Action

Building on the Socratic questioning techniques, there’s one interesting piece of research that might help give us insight. Igor Grossmann, of the University of Waterloo, carried out experiments about problem-solving. The name of the study was… Exploring Solomon’s Paradox

For those that don’t know: King Solomon is the biblical figure known to give wise counsel. But, apparently, his own life was a bit of a shambles! What he could dish out to others, he seemed unable to apply to his own life. Taking that as context, Grossmann formed the hypothesis for his experiment.

Grossmann wanted to test if people were wiser when they solved other peoples’ dilemmas rather than their own. He also checked to see whether viewing our problems, as if we were looking down on ourselves in the third person, would give better answers — rather than trying to solve it from an ego-centric perspective. He found this was indeed the case.

He asked those in romantic relationships a series of questions related to being cheated on and betrayed by their lover. The questions included things like:

Do you need more information and context to really understand this situation?

Is it important to look for a compromise?

How much do you consider others’ perspectives on the event?

How many different futures can you imagine?

The findings showed a higher level of emotional intelligence and wisdom by those who imagined it was a friend who had the problem, rather than themselves.

This has implications for how we go about asking the right questions in the right way. It indicates that psychological distancing can lead us to make better decisions and solve issues more quickly and wisely.

An Example Of The Process in Action

If we want to see how this works in real life, then let’s take our client Georgia from the earlier example. Instead of asking Georgia directly what she thinks the solution to her misery is, I ask her, ‘Imagine your friend has this problem. What needs to happen for her to get out of misery?’

Georgia tells me, ‘She needs to stop dwelling on what she doesn’t have and appreciate what she does have. She could be more pro-active at finding a relationship. If she stopped drinking, she’d have more clarity, focus and energy’. And the list goes on. When Georgia takes herself out of the equation, she knows the answers.

It also worked when Georgia imagined herself floating up and observing herself and asking the questions from a third-person perspective. So, I ask her, ‘Does Georgia need any more information to really understand her problem?’. ‘What are Georgia’s options for moving forward?’. She showed a high level of emotional intelligence and creativity when she viewed her problems objectively and got out of her own head.

Things we can Do

When faced with a persistent or significant life dilemma:

Get the problems out of the head and into the open. Whether that’s writing it all out or talking it through with someone; clarity is key. Troubleshoot each problem to see what can be done. Ask questions from the third-person or as if you’re talking to a friend. Write out wise solutions that pop up Commit to avoiding problem-focused questions in favour of solution-focused ones Be on guard for setbacks. The brain is used to defaulting to old patterns of churning the problem. When you notice it…. stop. Breathe. Switch tracks. Repeat until the brain catches up with the new way of doing things.

At this point you might be thinking, ‘Well Linda, you clearly don’t understand how bad my problem is’. And I get it. It always feels like OUR problem is worse, different, bigger, tragic. But we only ever have two choices… Give our power to the problem, or give our power to the solution. And they are choices.

Sometimes, it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes, the mind whips us into a frenzy. When that happens, we now have the problem, coupled with painful thoughts, emotions and self-defeating behaviours.

And here are just some of the little thoughts that tie us up…

I’m devastated, I actually can’t cope.

The universe hates me, I must have done something terrible in a past life to deserve this.

It’s the end of the road for me. I can’t stand it. I’ll die lonely and alone.

I’ll never get over it/him/her.

I’m going to end up a failure, a starving bag-lady, disowned by my children, old and sick, ugly and unloved, fat and worthless, unacknowledged and forgotten.

Then we wonder why we end up anxious, depressed and for some…suicidal.

And it’s not all to do with the problem. It’s to do with the faulty thinking about the problem. And thank goodness we have a choice about our own thoughts. With practice, we can recognise how we’re sabotaging our chances of turning everything around. So we do well to remember this Stoic wisdom…

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.. — Marcus Aurelius

Stoic Practices

Those who are resilient and bounce back quickly from adversity tend to implement Stoic practices and healthy psychological strategies. King Solomon’s solution is also loosely based on the Stoic exercise known as The View From Above, where we zoom out of our personal experience and get a big picture perspective on our lives. Stoic problem-solvers also attempt to do most of the following…

Get humble and recognise that the world doesn’t spin around their desires.

and recognise that the world doesn’t spin around their desires. Cease fantasising that if they keep head-butting a brick wall, it’ll magically disappear

that if they keep head-butting a brick wall, it’ll magically disappear Quit demanding that the world and everyone in it changes

that the world and everyone in it changes Stop the drama of playing the problem over with a large dash of catastrophic thinking and mind-movies that are hellish

of playing the problem over with a large dash of catastrophic thinking and mind-movies that are hellish Become Intolerant of any thoughts, beliefs and behaviours that are self-defeating.

of any thoughts, beliefs and behaviours that are self-defeating. Lay down values to live by and refuse to be bullied into action by their mental critic and emotional messiness.

to live by and refuse to be bullied into action by their mental critic and emotional messiness. Own their circle of control and become single-minded in the pursuit of self-growth and empowerment

and become single-minded in the pursuit of self-growth and empowerment Get solution-oriented and work through dilemmas seeing where the sticking points are. If the problem is a ‘loss’, they practice patience until healing takes its course. If the issue is strategic, they get steps in place to overcome the hurdle and get to the goal.

and work through dilemmas seeing where the sticking points are. If the problem is a ‘loss’, they practice patience until healing takes its course. If the issue is strategic, they get steps in place to overcome the hurdle and get to the goal. Get REAL and work in terms of the Serenity Prayer, where they ask their higher-self or their God to, ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

What Next?

Next time your life turns into a nightmare, look to see what’s real and what’s not. Look to see what you can and can’t do about it.

Have deep compassion for the part of you that’s devastated. We don’t want to deny pain; we want to acknowledge it and listen to our inner tremblings. BUT, then we have to take charge and ban that part from trying to solve the problem. Remember, the solution is on a different level to the hurt and fear.

And it’s not easy. It’s a ‘hero’s journey’. The gauntlet you’re being called to pick up is a means of transformation. If you don’t pick it up, it’s going to trip you up over and over again. It’s lying there on the ground, and you’re not going to get anywhere having a staring contest with it.

Now it’s possible that right now, it’s just too heavy to lift. You can’t do it. Your life is in bits. If you’re in the middle of a crisis, you feel like the gauntlet can go stuff itself... You don’t want transformation! You don’t want to do the work! What you want is peace! That’s normal.

We all want things to change ‘out there’ because it’s so much easier than changing ourselves. So, we might have to start slowly. We have to commit to removing problem-related thoughts one by one. We get quiet. We stop resisting. We stop magnifying the issue.

And most importantly of all, we don’t let our mind run off in all directions, bringing back more misery and pain to add to an already shit situation. Because as Seneca wisely tells us, ‘How does it help… to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?

Instead, we can settle down, get some distance and let something more intelligent find the solution. Be patient. Be persistent. Be relentless. Because putting our minds to work FOR us, is the only real power we’ll ever possess. When we accept the challenge, we’re going to face life with courage, and we’re going to overcome that snaky problem we thought would be the end of us.

And we can start by getting out of our own way. We can start engaging with our own inner, wiser, King Solomon and our Stoic values. This is the secret weapon that makes the difference between those who continue to flounder and those who flourish.