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Rival Knights Of Columbus Councils Clash Swords Over Territory

Orlando, FL–Rival councils of the Knights of Columbus clashed with one another on Friday at Our Lady of Good Intentions parish hall in Orlando, Florida, officials have confirmed. At least 12 Knights were injured.

“We believe that the clash may have started after two Knights of Columbus Field Agents attempted to sell life insurance to the same prospective client,” said Supreme Council Insurance Director Gerry Kaur.

Television images showed dramatic footage of two groups of Knights clad in white feathered caps and red capes rushing into the church with wheel chairs and walkers to assist their Field Agents, brandishing their swords against each other.

“It was like the slowest battle ever,” one eyewitness told EOTT. “Imagine watching Braveheart in slowmo. It was actually kinda cute.”

“The fact is that each Field Agent has his own territory,” said Vice Supreme Master Donny Bagwin as he devoured a still beating heart. “We’re currently investigating whose territory it belonged to. If it’s proven that one of the field agents was selling life insurance in a territory that was not his own, he will be flogged or racked. Of course you will not be able to witness it if you’re not a Knight, so I encourage you to take a look into it.” Bagwin went on to speak about the history of the Knights for 2½ hours as he wiped blood off his sword.

Another eyewitness reported hearing one of the councils shouting slogans against the other council as they charged. “I don’t remember word for word what was said, but I think it had something to do with annuities. And another Knight was screaming to another that it was finally time to ‘make use of his life insurance police’ as he wildly swung his sword.”

No arrests have been made at this time.