The protagonist of our story, an average human boy named Chris, gets a huge reality changer when his locally purchased–but cursed–copy of Super Smash Brothers Brawl transports him inside the game… Subspace Emissary’s World Conquest.

Oh yeah, I sense a real award-winner here.

The first problem with this picture is the fact that this is a FANFICTION, meaning it is a story based off another person’s creative work. Stretching a lengthy 3,592,814 words in 209 chapters (so far), you’d probably need to plan out a year to finish it… a year of your life that you would never get back…and that is, IF you’d want to finish it. At chapter one this reporter was ready to quit and pull out her little red pen, and if you’re a grammar Nazi this read may prove impossible.

The author himself confesses that English is only a second language and that his love of reading mostly extends to other fan fictions (giving him only a small pool of literary diversity). The people who have read it (and/or skimmed) say the piece is “funny” (it’s listed under fantasy/humor) but this reporter suspects those people picked up their humor from a Scholastic book fair joke book. The humor isn’t necessarily dry, but you had to have a sort of taste for that “Gilligan’s Island rip off” form of humor. I was half waiting for someone to chime in with the inevitable “what could possibly go wrong?” To imagine such a drawn-out version of something like that disturbed me.

The main character Chris, named after the writer himself, is something Fan fiction writers like to call an OC, meaning an original character. Chris was never in SSBB, nor should he ever get the chance to make a cameo for the sake of the worldwide gaming community. He’s not all the brightest either, kind of like a rip off Ash Catchum from Pokémon but with far worse ‘friendship’ speeches. Alongside Chris is the Pokémon Lucario, supposedly zapped from Chris’s Pokémon game… during an… electrical storm… Yep, that bad. I thought it was bad reading this buy typing this now is a ‘friendly’ reminder.

If you’re someone who has played Super Smash Bros Brawl you’d probably wonder what sort of plot they could possibly scheme up for this borderline plot less game. Sticking somewhat true to the Adventure mode, known in the game as the Subspace Emissary, your main villains are Tabu and the hands. Unfortunately, these guys, including both Master Hand and Crazy Hand, can now talk and their lines are more clichéd than a middle schooler’s love poem. No amount of laxatives could produce enough poop to rival this thing!

It’s a crying shame that the closest second word count America has to offer is a whole million short of this college freshman’s fanfiction. Then again, it may inspire the young writers of the nation to rise up to the challenge and bring taste and style back to modern fiction.

If this article has you the least bit curious, the first chapter can be found here, but be warned that this is the same site where you can find stories about Harry Potter becoming a vampire and an intense romance between Hitler and Jesus. Because anything is possible on the Internet; including some things that should be impossible. Or at least illegal, gah.