Social Business

[This article was posted on April 1st, 2014 as a satirical post for “April Fool’s Day” it is a satirical post for entertainment purposes]

Facebook’s spending spree has continued today in a blockbuster deal, purchasing video game giant Nintendo for $16 billion, meaning Mark Zuckerberg pretty much owns Mario, Zelda and a good number of the games we grew up with. The deal closed on April 1st.

The surprise move shows that Zuckerberg is serious about capturing not only the social media space, but buying everything the world holds dear and twisting it to his whims.

Speaking to the Japanese media about the deal, Nintendo President Satoru Iwata explained the reasoning behind the partnership:

“Nintendo has always prided itself on being able to change with the times. From a playing card company to toys to early electronic games to the biggest and best gaming consoles that ever existed. Partnering with Facebook allows us to transform once again and reach a whole new audience, the audience that plays crap like FarmVille.”

The legendary game company is known for revolutionizing and revitalizing the game industry in the late 80s, and remains a major player to this day. But it had fallen on hard times lately, as its Wii U console failed to live up to expectations.

After giving his statement, Iwata took questions from the media, and it was there that he gave a little insight to the problems the company has been having:

“We did miss out on the online and social aspects of gaming. Looking back, I think there are things we could have done in that field a little better, yes. But now we can have all of that. I am proud to say that Nintendo Franchises will finally stand toe to toe with the giants of the casual industry like Zynga and [Candy Crush Developer]King.”

Legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto was surprisingly frank about how he felt, after hearing about the deal

“To be honest, I was about to resign. I was going to take my Mario and Zelda, and go do LSD in the Garden with my Pikmin. But then Zuckerberg-san showed up with a yacht full of cash and girls, now I kind of think that Pikmin belong in FarmVille.”

In an announcement, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg discussed the deal:

“When we found out Nintendo was considering the possibility of selling, we had to jump at the chance. We want fans to know that we aren’t going to rebrand Nintendo, or do anything that will take away that Nintendo magic. This just let’s us bring the iconic Nintendo franchises to the more than 1 billion Facebook users worldwide.”

It starts, Zuckerberg explained, with the integration of Facebook and the Nintendo franchises:

“Initially, we plan to add the Facebook experience to Nintendo games. Imagine being able to share your Pokedex on Facebook, or your top score in New Super Mario Bros 2. Also, real leader boards that are integrated into Facebook, will be coming to the Wii U.”

But Facebook has much bigger plans for Nintendo. Zuckerberg continued, “Eventually, we want to bring the Nintendo franchises into the fold, and help a whole new generation of children experience the magic of Nintendo.”

While some games, Zuckerberg points out, are more suited for gaming consoles and will remain on them, others are ideally suited for the Facebook network.

“When you think about a game like The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, you can see that Nintendo is very talented at making games. But they lack that social element, and you can see how unprofitable prioritizing quality has been for Nintendo. We are going to add new monetization and social interaction into the games gamers hold close to their heart. Imagine instead of solving those really tough puzzles to get heart pieces, you can instead just ask your friends for one! Eventually, I want to see future Nintendo franchises on the Facebook platform.”

Both Iwata and Zuckerberg stressed that Nintendo would not be abandoning its 3DS and Wii U platforms. Rather, Nintendo and Facebook want them to be integrated into the social network, while bringing the franchises to popular Facebook games like FarmVille. As for Nintendo developing for the Oculus Rift, the virtual reality system that Facebook purchased last week, Zuckerberg acknowledged that it is in the cards:

“Of course Nintendo will be making games for Oculus. Finally Mushroom Kingdom like you have never seen it before. I haven’t told anyone at Nintendo about this yet, but I can announce now that Super Mario 3 is coming to the Oculus Rift. That was always my favorite Nintendo game.”

Zuckerberg also announced that Mario Kart 8 would be delayed for the Wii U for at least a month, indicating that he wanted to get “really, really good” at it before anyone else got to play it. Rumor has it that in the Facebook office arcade, if anyone gets a high score in any game they have to enter “MEZ” for Mark Elliot Zuckerberg, or risk termination.

Photo credit: David Offf