Tall and dark and young and lovely: John SIlvester as a student This to me was a temporary setback and I took on a Pepe Le Pew type pursuit that lasted several years. Eventually she found the combination of brooding good looks, raw sensuality, rapier wit and humility irresistible and retrospectively accepted the original proposal. Not before time she realised she had stumbled on the equivalent of the Hope Diamond in a Two Dollar Shop. The wedding reception cost $20 a head, which included a three-course meal, the band, sherry (dry and sweet) and generous cheese platters. The police reporters were assigned a room without carpet so it could be hosed out at the end of proceedings. Some use a more direct path to impress a lady. Like the drug dealer who asked his girlfriend if she fancied some chilli crab for tea. When she said the idea sounded "grouse" he booked two first-class tickets to Singapore so they could have the real thing. Which brings us to the curious case of Julian Mathias Buchwald, a young man so desperate to make his younger girlfriend fall in love he orchestrated a bizarre kidnap plot that left her traumatised and him with a criminal record – and without a home.

Julian Buchwald fled Australia using this fake passport. While it is hard to feel sympathy for Buchwald, who by any definition is a knucklehead, his case calls into question the federal government's policy of ejecting foreigners who fail a "character test". We are actually a fan of the tactic when used on non-Australian terrorists, drug dealers and violent gang members – with more than 1000 suspects already listed for the boot. Lovelorn Julian Buchwald at the time of his bush escapade. Buchwald, on the other hand, was just a one-year-old when he migrated from Germany with his family and while he has never taken out citizenship, he has known only Australia as home.

He may very well be a fruit-loop but surely he is our fruit-loop. His education, friends, culture and work are all Australian based. Can he really be considered German when he left there in nappies? Now to the story of this lovesick lunatic, a man with a plan that was doomed from the start. Back in 2008, Buchwald was a 22-year-old Gippsland timber logger besotted with his girlfriend, then aged just 17. They met at their local church with the overly excitable Buchwald pressuring her to marry as soon as she turned 18. Not unreasonably, the object of his affection was keen to finish high school. Wisely, the local pastor suggested the couple take a time out and they stepped back for about a month. Clearly this jacked off the lumberjack who hatched a plan he hoped would leave the teenager (we will call her Holly) so much in love she would swoon for this loon near Nar Nar Goon.

In March he asked her parents if he could take Holly on picnic to his folk's sprawling rural property. The plan, he told them, was to plant trees and walk to a waterfall. Harmless enough, you would think. Ever the romantic, he later claimed he planned a treasure hunt, with the prize a handmade wooden platter she would find near the waterfall where they would have yummy sandwiches he had prepared. What he didn't say was on the morning of the date, he went to the property to hide gloves, a balaclava, a jacket, a yellow blanket, ropes, duct tape, and military pants. This was never going to end well. He left her in his four-wheel drive on a pretext (he had planted a deer skin near the track and said he was going to look for the "startled" wildlife). He returned wearing fresh clothes and a balaclava pretending to be a crazy bush-bound kidnapper. She was hog-tied, blindfolded with duct tape, chucked in the back seat and driven six hours to the Alpine National Park. When he reached the Buchan Headwaters Wilderness area he dumped her on the ground then he hid the car about 20 metres away. He did not know the area well, which meant in more ways than one, he had no Buchan idea.

This poor girl listened as her kidnapper dug holes to bury evidence. She thought she was to be raped and buried alive, a reasonable fear when the man in the balaclava used his knife to cut off her clothes. Buchwald then cut off his clothes and lay down two metres away. He called out in a weak voice, pretending he was also a victim of the kidnapping before untying her. He had scratched his head when he dumped the car and decided to leave the blood on his face to support his story. When she saw him she thought he looked like "Dracula". He urged her to grab what she could and run, shoving a sleeping bag into her arms. They plunged into a freezing river and kept going. She soon found she was carrying a sleeping bag cover containing a toothbrush and half a pillowcase filled with desiccated coconut. The bizarre Buchwald had a knife, a shovel, and one jar each of peanut butter and tahini – a condiment made of ground sesame seeds. (While such an exotic spread may be valued in a well-stocked pantry it is hardly a priority pick for a Bear Grylls' Survival Pack.) Buchwald told Holly he bravely fought two kidnappers until they smashed him in the head with a metal rod, then stuffed him in the boot, leaving him unconscious and vomiting blood.

For the next week (that's right, a week) they stumbled barefoot and naked around the bush to avoid their "kidnappers". It rained as they repeatedly criss-crossed a freezing creek, sheltering at night in the sleeping bag he said was dropped by their tormentors. The fleeing couple took the most rugged routes to deter the non-existent pursuers. One night he suggested they have sex to keep warm. She refused. On night four he said as they were likely to perish in the cold they should marry "in the eyes of God" before they died. Again she refused saying her parents would not approve. Realising his plan was now as damp as the sleeping bag he returned to the dumping point, dug up their damaged clothes after claiming he had stumbled on the kidnappers' hidey hole. Now semi dressed they walked out of the bush to be picked up by a passing farmer in a utility.

Naturally it didn't take police long to break down this ridiculous story and Buchwald was charged with kidnapping and making a false report. While on bail he decided to disappear. So where would an Australian resident of German descent decide to hide? India, of course. Buchwald, a blue eyed blonde, obtained a false passport, dyed his hair jet black and covered himself in more fake tan than an Oaks Day starlet before boarding a Chennai-bound flight. Indian authorities saw through his disguise – not surprising as he looked like a failed Bollywood extra – and he had to return to Australia. At his plea the County Court heard he suffered a pervasive development disorder, which meant he struggled to empathise with others. He was sentenced to five years and three months, for kidnap, make false report and jumping bail.

In 2014 the Immigration and Border Protection Department told Buchwald his Permanent Residency Visa was under review. Buchwald responded by showing he had job offers on release, a spotless record before his crazy kidnap ploy and his life, friends and family were Australian. His only knowledge of German history, it would appear, came from re-runs of Hogan's Heroes. His pleas were rejected and in October that year immigration minister Scott Morrison cancelled his visa. Buchwald appealed to the Federal Court before Justice Mordy Bromberg (a fair man awarded three Brownlow Medal votes in his days as a St Kilda footballer.) But there was no case as the minister acted within the law.

If Buchwald had applied for citizenship before his hare-brained love scheme it would have been granted and then residency would not be an issue. But he didn't and so a few weeks ago he was chucked on a plane and dumped in Germany. He speaks only English, has no German friends, limited career prospects and a seemingly bleak future. Buchwald's was rightly sentenced to a long stint in jail for a crime that was stupid, callous and brutal. Having served his time he is now being punished again by being stripped of his true nationality. Buchwald is as Australian as an emu and this would be officially recognised if not for a quirk of timing. His family settled in Australia years earlier but he was born in Germany in 1985 when they returned for an extended visit. His sister, who was born two years earlier, is an Australian citizen yet Julian is treated as a foreigner. Same parents, same home, same upbringing - different nationality. How can that be? While it is certainly legal, is it fair?