Can I just say something for a second? Is there like, any seriously valid reason that literally the entire world won’t stop policing the way women talksies?

Sorry not sorry that the totally natural tone and cadence of my god-given voice like, offends you, or whatevs? Because In actuality? It has literally zero to do with you? I’m just saying. No hatesies; this is just how I feel.

Like, I’m not angry, I’m just sad that women have to deal with this kind of judgment in the workplace, you know what I mean? For realzies, do the mens ever have to deal with this harassapalooza? I doubts it.

I don’t know, cuz it’s like, why can’t people just listen to the words coming out of my mouf, instead of like, getting all freakish about the way I say them? Because the way I say them is okie dokesies? There’s nothing wrong with it? I’m sorry, but I can’t. I literally can’t even.

So let me get this straight: I can’t use my natural voice, or end declarative sentences like this? That’s fine, I accept constructive criticism. But in order to be authoritative, like I even want that, I have to talk like a man. I have to drop my voice an octave and go, like, “Hey, shut up everyone, I’m talking,” but like, do it in a way where I’m not an evil biatch, even though men do it every day and no one gets all judgies on their booties? Why can men literally be evil bitches and we can’t? It’s just like a hundred percent unfairsies and I’m so over it. Does that make sense? U gets mes?

I heard that like, for the three woman who work in television, in like the writings rooms or whatever—and this is in the goods ones because literally 99% of the other shows are nasty cesspools of sexism and doom—so in the writesies room they like pass around a conch shell and I’m not even kidding, nobody can even start to open their lips until they’re holding the conch. That’s literally like the only way people will listen to women. So hopefully those badass ladies’ voices are acceptable when they get the conch, or they’ll get like, literally get shot in the face or something. I’m not even kidding I’m like so afraid for those women I’m literally hyperventilating right now. I mean not really but you know what I mean.

It’s just, I don’t know. Can I just say one more thing? Isn’t there just sort of anything better we can kind of spend our time on than like, sort of vilifying women or whatever for what they sound like, or something? Does that make sense?

Sorry. Just, never mind. That was stupid. I’m stupid, don’t listen to me. Ugh.