“Cross Me” [ft. Chance the Rapper and PnB Rock]

The “Nice Guys” finally get a win when Ed Sheeran, a massive pop star still masquerading as an everyman, and Chance the Rapper, a power-tripper masquerading as a holy man, team up for “Cross Me.” Both Sheeran and Chance have made careers out of being the sweetest men in the room. They present themselves as loveable scamps, and that niceness hasn’t gone unnoticed, scoring Sheeran BuzzFeed lists about being the nicest person in show business and getting Chance dubbed the best human of Chicago. Which sets the stage for “Cross Me,” a song that is obviously respectful and appropriately gentlemanly. They’re joined here by the not-so-nice Philly crooner PnB Rock, who just released a record called TrapStar Turnt PopStar yet phones it in hard on this, his biggest opportunity to prove it. This unlikely grouping is sponsored by Sheeran’s upcoming collaborations album, aptly titled No.6 Collaborations Project. “Cross Me” is inoffensive quiet storm pop. It should be hate-proof. Yet the song is so cloying it’s hard not to be cynical about it.

Sheeran, Chance, and PnB Rock each stand ready to defend their lady’s honor, you see. It’s unclear what they’re defending her from and why, but they are ready and willing. Produced by Fred Gibson, who has worked with afrobeats stars like Burna Boy and Mr. Eazi and UK-based rappers like Octavian and Stefflon Don, there’s a bit of throwback R&B sway in this overt pop confection. It’s as if they were trying to work their way up to something like “Sexual Healing” and gave up halfway through. The song is significantly less catchy than the vaguely Caribbean Justin Bieber tag-teamer “I Don’t Care,” which Gibson co-produced with Max Martin. Chance is rapping like he’s doing voiceover work for Adult Swim, or like he’s doing a really mean KYLE impersonation. It’s like watching Stefan Urquelle turn back into Steve Urkel. Sheeran, for his part, is the least awkward-sounding person in this situation, perhaps owed to all the practice being noble. But the song has all the impact of a guy wearing a “male feminist” t-shirt.