Why does making friends feel so much harder than dating?

Why does making friends feel so much harder than dating?

When you’re single and you don’t want to be, the next steps feel pretty obvious.

You hop on Tinder. You ask people out. You go to bars and start conversations. You finally approach your office crush.

But when you have a friendship crush (that’s someone you desperately want to be your friend), or you’d generally quite like to up the number of friends you have, things become a little more complicated.

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Asking someone to be your friend – or even to spend time together in a friendly way – feels terrifying. So much more terrifying than doing a casual flirt.




There are many, many reasons why.

There’s the acute fear of rejection, that, unlike dating, can only be blamed on who you are as a person rather than their sexual preferences.

There’s the worry that they’ll think you’re hitting on them.

There’s the overwhelming sense of failure that comes with openly saying ‘I don’t have enough friends and I’d quite like more.’

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

That’s why we hesitate when we encounter someone we think is cool, have a lovely chat, and want to ask for their number so we can hang out again. It’s why we stumble when it comes to taking a work-based friendship outside of the office.

As Dr Max Blumberg, psychologist at Goldsmiths, University of London, explains, while there’s a protocol for dating – through apps, flirting, or even the act of asking someone to hang out as a means to form a romantic relationship – there’s no such thing for friendship; because we expect that to happen naturally.

Dating is essential for evolutionary purposes, so over time humans have focused more energy on creating tools and frameworks to make sure we’re able to happily and easily reproduce.

When it comes to friendship, however, that doesn’t directly serve the purpose of reproduction, we’ve left things alone, expecting friendships to form with minimal effort and judging those who don’t manage to do it with ease.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

While being single is seen as an acceptable state of being, being friendless is not.

We can blame being single on rubbish exes, the struggle to find someone decent and attractive, or just personal choice. Traditionally, people only have one partner at a time (we’re talking about monogamous people in this instance), and so to be temporarily without one is seen as entirely normal.

To appear to have zero friends, or simply not enough friends, however, can end up being perceived as a failing on your part.

‘Being single is seen as a choice,’ Dr Blumberg told metro.co.uk. ‘Being friendless is perceived as a social deficit.

‘If someone doesn’t have friends they may not have any social skills.

‘You’d be perceived as pretty sad to ask someone to be your friend.’

(Picture: Getty/ Ella Byworth)

It’s that embarrassment and social stigma that stops us from openly admitting that actually, we’d quite like more friends – or one specific friend – in our social circle.

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We can feel like failures because as a society, we expect friendship to happen naturally. So to look around and see ourselves as lacking makes us believe we’ve messed up – when in reality, it’s harder and harder to make friends without any effort.



We’re busier than ever, while our reliance on tech means we’re having fewer in-person interactions with potential mates.

It’s no longer as easy as happening to meet someone on a weekly basis at a gym class, or just buddying up because you sit next to each other at school.

If we want new friends as adults, we have to put in effort – something that can feel weird or unnatural as we’re so used to seeing tools like starting conversations or asking someone to hang out under a romantic umbrella.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Our reliance on tech means we’re not getting many opportunities to practice our in-person social skills, either, which makes things even more awkward.

‘Making friends is a muscle you need to practice,’ says Dr Blumberg, noting that chatting to our friends through Whatsapp groups and liking each other’s tweets means we don’t get the opportunity to learn and rehearse IRL social skills like starting up conversations, making eye contact, or putting people at ease.

It doesn’t help that when people do attempt to reach across the awkwardness gap and ask us to hang out, get coffee, or be friends, we immediately question their ulterior motives.

I’ll admit it: the second someone messages me one-on-one, I assume that they’re either hitting on me or trying to ask for something.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Because there’s this overwhelming idea that friendships happen naturally – and pressure to let them happen without pushing – we feel as though any friendship that’s asked for explicitly is crossing the boundary into dating: the world where it’s okay to ask someone out because you like them based on first impressions.


We assume friendship doesn’t need to be made explicit. But when it comes to friend crushes or trying to expand your social circle, you’re forced to do so, if only so you don’t miss out on being friends with the cool person you met at an event or the guy you sit next to at work.

Making the leap (whether that’s asking for someone’s number so you can get in touch, asking a work mate out for non-work drinks, or going to an event or class for the purpose of getting new friends) feels risky. There’s a huge fear of embarrassment.

Dr Blumberg’s recommendation is simple: acknowledge the awkwardness, put people at ease, and don’t be afraid to take the next step to hang out with someone as a friend.

(Picture: Deirdre Spain for Metro.co.uk)

He suggests making it very, very clear that what you’re asking for isn’t romantic, and explicitly stating the context without saying: ‘I’M FRIENDLESS AND ALONE, HELP’.

He says: ‘Try something like, “I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you, it’d be great to get coffee and chat some time… this isn’t a dating proposal, by the way!’

Oh, and don’t be concerned if people respond awkwardly. They may still be a little suspicious or confused, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t up for getting friendly.

‘We’re not well-programmed to accept friendship requests in real life,’ notes Max.

(Picture: Erin Aniker for Metro.co.uk)

It’s not a good idea to force it, and you shouldn’t take it personally if people seem distanced – they’re likely worried about seeming too eager and friendless, too.


That’s something that’s important to remember.

You’re not alone in wanting more friends, or feeling lonely, or wanting to make a connection. The person you’re getting on with and friend-crushing on is likely worrying about awkwardly asking you to come over for dinner, too.

Know that most people would love more good friends and would feel great to know that you’ve chosen them as a potential best mate.

So make the first move. Be brave. Be the friend you want to see in the world, and ask that cool girl you chat to in the vintage shop if they fancy coming to your party. The worst thing they’ll say is no, and that’s fine. There are plenty of other non-sexual fish in the sea.

This article is part of our Friendship Week – a week-long exploration of the ins and outs of modern friendship.

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