Truth in Satire

America, for Sale

Slightly used empire needs patient new owners and lots of TLC

It was a nice run, but after 241 years the American empire is seeking new ownership. Despite the fact that literally everyone saw it coming, Americans were somehow the last to find out. The owners cite insurmountable health problems, including chronic obesity and an unceasing diarrhea of national ignorance.

Although there is a widely available cure, the drug-maker was recently acquired in a hostile takeover by NY-based investment group Blood, Frum and Stone. After a series of tense meetings, the board of directors finally settled on what they referred to as the “fair market value” for a single-dose: 2 of every animal. Most Americans are still hopeful they can pay, though medical experts have pointed out that may just be a hallucinogenic symptom of the diarrhea.

The owners have not listed a hard price for the country, citing the incalculable value of American ideals, the innovative beauty of jazz music, and the enduring effectiveness of a bicameral system of gover— shit, nevermind. Well, jazz music though.

The country does run, but the steering sticks and appears to only make hard right turns. Despite the lack of interest so far, there is potential for a smart investment. With just a few coats of paint, some touch ups, a trillion dollars of infrastructure modernization, multigenerational investment in equitable public education, an end to legal bribery, and a thorough reformation of public interest journalism and non-profit national goods — this country could be back on its feet conquering underdeveloped parts of the globe in no time!

All serious offers considered; No takesies backsies.