HINXTON, ENGLAND—Confirming the new sorting method would revolutionize our understanding of all life on Earth, biologists worldwide unveiled a new taxonomic system Tuesday for classifying species by hotness. “We’ve discovered that hotness is a far more robust and useful way to organize animals, plants, and microbes than shared traits, common ancestors, or even DNA,” said Stanford biologist Dr. Julian Tran, adding that the new taxonomic system encompasses every level of attractiveness to include organisms that are janky, fugly, eye candy, cute but not sexy, sevens on a good day, classically beautiful, and smokin’ hot but way stupid. “A butterface gazelle has way more in common with an uggo trout than it does with a sexy, coquettish antelope with haunches that don’t quit. Now that we have a method to discern between drop-dead-gorgeous slime molds versus nasty-ass slime molds, we can make major steps toward better comprehending our world. Obviously, all the single-celled organisms are hideous while the more complex life forms will, at the very least, be considered fuckable.” At press time, biologists announced that humans had been removed from the Hominidae family and placed into the butt-ugly category along with opossums and all species of birds.

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