By this point in the summer, Hollywood has already given us a fourth helping of Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark and the return of Superman after a seven-year absence. Even die-hard X-Men nerds might be suffering from superhero-movie ennui as The Wolverine hits theaters this weekend. But even if the big-screen Wolverine disappoints, fans of Ol' Canucklehead won't be left wanting for slashy adventures starring James "Logan" Howlett. Dozens of variations of the most recognizable X-Man have appeared in comics, TV, and film throughout the decades. But it would be a mistake to talk about every version of Wolverine as if he's always the same person. For example, as long as Twentieth Century Fox retains Wolvie's licensing rights, Hugh Jackman can't pop his CG claws against Mark Ruffalo's equally CG Hulk; meanwhile, it happens in the comics every other week.

So let's say we rounded up our favorite renderings of Wolverine and force them to fight in a tournament to the death, because why not? Which Wolverine would win? We tested it out.

ROUND #1

REGULAR WOLVERINE vs. ZOMBIE WOLVERINE

First showing his hairy face in 1974 on the pages of The Incredible Hulk, the canonical comic-book Logan has thwarted the agendas of evil mutants, aliens, nazis, and everyone else who's pissed him off on a monthly basis ever since. Currently holding down a day job as headmaster of the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning while moonlighting as a member of the Uncanny Avengers, he's a busy guy these days. His first-round opponent hails from the Marvel Zombies series, where he and most of the other Marvel heroes have been afflicted with an insatiable craving for human flesh.

OUTCOME: Zombie Wolvie picked up crazy cosmic powers from eating the Silver Surfer and Galactus, which could give him an advantage. But Regular Wolvie wins because we're bored with zombies. Maybe Regular Wolverine kills Zombie Wolverine by setting him on fire? That would work, right?

'90s CARTOON WOLVERINE vs. AN ACTUAL WOLVERINE CUB

National Geographic notes that wolverines from the real world are members of the weasel family, not the canine, as some may assume. They reside in chillier environs, including regions of tundra, but do not hibernate because they are not as lazy as bears. Wolverines lack foot-long unbreakable claws and the capacity to instantly heal any wound, but their potential for viciousness should never be underestimated.

According to a dubious bit of comic folklore, an early, vetoed concept for Wolverine's origin involved him starting life as a wolverine cub and undergoing an accelerated evolution that transformed him into the beastial antihero we know today. Co-creator Len Wein swears this was someone else's stupid idea. Nonetheless, it justifies including an actual wolverine in this contest. The little fella squares off against Wolverine from the classic '90s run of X-Men cartoons. While those of us who watched Fox Kids on Saturday mornings may remember this Wolverine more fondly than the rest, isn't it weird how we never saw him stab or cut anyone on the show?

OUTCOME: The burden of being a wholesome, PG-friendly hero for the 7- to -12-year-old demographic prevents Cartoon Wolvie from gutting fuzzy woodland critters. Wolverine Cub wins via forfeit.

ULTIMATE WOLVERINE vs. INFURIATINGLY AUSTRALIAN WOLVERINE

Most people don't remember Pryde of the X-Men, a failed attempt at launching an X-Men cartoon series in 1989. Thank Christ. While producing this chunk of innocuousness animated in the style of Jem and the Holograms, the minds behind the project decided to rewrite Wolverine as an Australian stereotype who calls everybody "dingo" instead of "bub" because everyone in the 1980s was unbelievably high on cocaine 24/7. More than a decade later, Marvel launched the Ultimate imprint — a reboot of the Marvel Universe that places its characters in a grittier, modern, more plausible-ish context. Seeing as how he's darker 'n' all that, Ultimate Wolverine hesitates far less than other versions when it comes to the wholesale slaughter of his adversaries.

OUTCOME: We paired Australian Wolverine against his Ultimate counterpart deliberately to make sure Australian Wolverine came to a grisly, swift, and extremely bloody demise. Ultimate Wolverine wins hands-down.

HUGH JACKMAN vs. FAN-FICTION EROTICA WOLVERINE

Renowned for his portrayal of everyone's favorite mutant badass, the 44-year-old Aussie showed off his major-league singing chops as Jean Valjean in last year's so-so Les Miserables. People named the Tony winner 2008's Sexiest Man Alive, clinching him as the best-looking and most versatile dude in this tournament. Because his skill set doesn't include mortal combat, we gave Jackman an opponent who also sucks at fighting — Wolverine as he's characterized in bad, erotic fan fiction. Jackman's opposition enjoys graphically detailed coitus with other imaginary people, recites embarrassingly hammy dialogue, and that's really all he knows how to do.

OUTCOME: Fan-fic Erotica Wolvie employs his powers of seduction, hoping the actor will succumb to his rugged charms. His efforts earn him a rigorous beatdown at the hands of Hugh Jackman's bodyguard. Jackman wins. Natch.

EARTH X WOLVERINE vs. JAMES HOWLETT, FORMER GOVERNOR-GENERAL OF DOMINION OF CANADA

In the bleak future scenario of Jim Krueger and Alex Ross's brilliant Earth X saga, the planet's entire population mysteriously develops superpowers, and the X-Men disband following the death of Professor Xavier. With oodles of free time suddenly on his hands, Logan reconnects with his old friends beer and cheeseburgers. In the divergent timeline depicted in X-Treme X-Men, Xavier's floating, severed head in a jar rounds up a cross-dimensional team of X-Men to assassinate 10 evil versions of himself from other alternate realities. (We know, we know.) This team's Wolverine goes by his real name, and has been likened to a Canadian, claw-wielding equivalent of Theodore Roosevelt. And did we mention he's in a relationship with Hercules? He's in a relationship with Hercules.

OUTCOME: Even as an overweight alcoholic, Wolverine makes a formidable adversary. But Herc and Howlett famously celebrated with their first public smooch after they slew an extra big Tyrannosaurus Rex. If he can shellac a giant dinosaur, the Governor-General shouldn't have much trouble trouncing Earth X's portly, rusty answer to himself. Howlett wins.

BABY WOLVERINE vs. DARK CLAW

Little is known of the adorable scrapper known only as Baby Wolverine, except for that he's a baby version of Wolverine, which is pretty much all anyone needs to know. Recently, a battle between the X-Babies and the Baby Avengers ensued after Baby Cyclops stole Baby Captain America's teddy bear. Amid the fray, Baby Hulk hurled Baby Wolverine into space where the tyke witnessed Baby Galactus using the moon as a pacifier. Baby Wolvie is up against Logan Wayne, who was introduced to the world when DC and Marvel pooled their resources in the mid-'90s for the brief run of Amalgam Comics. During a childhood tragedy, Wayne could only watch helplessly while a mugger gunned down his parents. Consequently, he dedicated his life, limitless financial resources, mutant healing factor, and adamantium skeleton to protecting the people of Gotham City.

OUTCOME: Baby Wolverine knows he's in waaaay over his head against a Batman/Wolverine hybrid and vamooses. It's a layup for Dark Claw.

SEMI-FINALS

REGULAR WOLVERINE vs. HUGH JACKMAN, HIS BODYGUARD, AND HIS STUNT DOUBLE

Regular Comics Wolverine has mastered dozens of martial-arts techniques, fought in several wars, and it's nigh impossible to seriously harm him. Hugh Jackman may have mastered the crafts of acting, singing, and dancing, but it's a different story when it comes to fisticuffs. Even alongside his bodyguard and stunt double, Jackman would be hopelessly outmatched except...

OUTCOME: Draw. Putting an end to Zombie Wolverine was one thing. That guy was an asshole. But Regular Wolverine harbors serious reservations about carving one of Hollywood's most beloved leading men up like a Christmas goose. The pair shake hands. Jackman thanks Wolverine for indirectly providing him with a wildly successful career. Wolverine says, "No problem, bub," and everybody goes home in one piece.

AN ACTUAL WOLVERINE CUB vs. ULTIMATE WOLVERINE

He might look cuddly, but PBS notes that this wild wolverine wouldn't think twice about noshing on the bones of his prey, which could include squirrels, rabbits, or perhaps a caribou corpse should he stumble across one while sauntering through his arctic habitat. For that matter, it's not completely unheard of for a lone wolverine to pick a fight with a bear. Such barbarism and courage wouldn't make the two-foot-long weasel a match for a Weapon X-forged killing machine, except...

OUTCOME: Upon doing a bit of research, we discovered that the Ultimate Universe's Wolverine died during 2009's gruesome Ultimatum storyline. Apparently, Magneto used his unfathomable control over magnetism to rip the adamantium off Wolvie's bones, reducing the once-feared superhero to a quivering pile of entrails and goo. We have no reason not to believe that, given the opportunity, the wolverine cub would eat what was left of Ultimate Wolverine's decaying skeleton. The cub wins.

DARK CLAW vs. GOVERNOR-GENERAL HOWLETT

Maybe we should've second-guessed whether including Dark Claw would turn this entire tournament into a foregone conclusion. In the pages of the most recent 13-issue run of X-Treme X-Men, the Governor-General defeated dinosaurs, an evil unicorn, skywales, a giant psychic squid, and countless other fantastic, seemingly invincible monsters. But would anybody, anywhere have much of a chance against the Caped Crusader emboldened with Wolverine's powers and combat savvy? Probably not.

OUTCOME: We've got to give this one to Dark Claw.

FINALS

DARK CLAW vs. AN ACTUAL WOLVERINE CUB

Normally, Dark Claw's code of morality prevents him from harming relatively innocent creatures. But when the wolverine ate what was left of Claw's Ultimate Universe counterpart, Claw took it kind of personally.

TOURNAMENT WINNER: DARK CLAW

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