Well! This is quite an exciting week in US politics. It's been a long slog but the conclusion has been reached, with all the narratives of the past few months – years, really – dovetailing into one beautiful and inevitable conclusion, one that all US citizens can gaze upon and sigh, "Ah, yes: this, yes this, is America." I am speaking, of course, of the supremely American news story that broke on Sunday in which Lindsay Lohan – for it was she – allegedly got into a fight in a cheesy New York hotel with a 25-year-old Republican congressional aide called Christian LaBella. Politics and Lohan: ahhhh, you meet at last.

This alleged event happened allegedly at the end of a long alleged night of what we Americans call "partying". Lohan allegedly realised LaBella had allegedly taken photos of her allegedly engaged in the aforementioned alleged partying, and words and possibly more were exchanged. And you know this LaBella dude must be cool because not only did he allegedly party with Lohan but his Facebook photo shows him grinning next to that ultimate homeboy, VP candidate Paul Ryan. The Republicans, Lohan, a cellphone, a hotel scrap at 6am: this is the natural crescendo to the modern American story. The peak has been reached; prepare for the bends as we plummet downwards.

And speaking of plummeting ever downwards, it's the first presidential debate tomorrow night. Which is yet another big event in US politics this week. Oh ambassador, with all of this political excitement you are spoiling us. We can all only cross our fingers that Lohan will make a guest appearance in this one, too, and, really, that isn't beyond the realms of possibility.

Yet more usually, the debates – and yes, there is more than one of them – can get a little, um, what's the word? It's on the very tip … that's it: boring. Indeed, being boring was pretty much Obama's strategy last time round, which is why not even the Washington Post – a publication so wonky it excitedly describes this week's debate as "a cultural event" – can remember a single "genuinely memorable" moment from the 2008 debates with John McCain due to Obama's attack plan of being "serious and sober" and "milking the clock". This is Washington Post speak for "being boring". Obama's own team have said they are preparing him to be "workmanlike". Again, read "boring, and don't set your Sky+ to record".

Mitt Romney might provide some comedy, albeit wholly unintentionally. News that he has been in a concrete bunker for the past few days being reprogrammed for the debate dismayed those who find his pied dans la bouche moments the only things that make this election bearable. But then, great news! His team, for reasons known only to them, informed the New York Times that they have prepared some "zingers" for their candidate, which he has been practising "since August". Spontaneous rib ticklers! Which Romney has been reciting to himself since August! I think the world will knock itself off its own axis through the violence of our collective guffaws.

So how to make these events even more fun? Welcome to the bluffer's guide (with added games).

How to talk about the debates beforehand

Easy! Simply say any of the following sentences in any order you fancy: "The debates don't matter"; "Let's not forget the seminal Kennedy v Nixon debate in 1960"; "Reagan v Mondale debate in 1984"; "Gore v Bush in 2000"; "Kerry beat Bush in the debates in 2004, remember"; "Romney needs to land a zinger of the 'senator, you are no Jack Kennedy' ilk, like Bentsen said to Quayle in 1988, but then, unlike Bentsen, um, win"; "Obama is an orator not a debater"; "Romney is no good on the attack"; "They're both impatient"; "It's all scripted, you know"; "Of course I'm staying up to watch".

How to talk about them afterwards

"He only needed to survive"; "You could tell they practised"; "They practised?"; "Where were the zingers?"; "It's the VP debates next week that will be really fun"; "This was just domestic diplomacy – it's the foreign diplomacy debate that will be really interesting"; "It's just entertainment"; "The questions were terrible"; "God, that was boring".

Drinking game!

Every time Obama or Romney says any of the following, knock back a shot. You'll be drunk by the end of the crucial first half hour, which will make the remaining hour a bit more enjoyable:

"Let me be clear about this."

"The figures just don't add up."

"That's just plain wrong."

"The American people deserve better."

"The American people are smart enough to see through that."

"The American people have suffered."

"Folks."

"I love this country."

"My wife/my family/my mother."

Bonus drink!!!!

"President George W Bush" – if Romney says this name, for the Republican party the equivalent of the Scottish play, you may drink a whole magnum to celebrate. But he probably won't, so no need to stock up on the champers.