Nation Celebrates Devout Christian Missionary By Getting Totally Hammered

U.S.—Reports from around the country Saturday indicated that celebrations in honor of Christian missionary Saint Patrick consisted primarily of consuming large amounts of alcohol in order to get “totally plastered.”

Partygoers around the nation and world declared their deep level of respect and admiration for the missionary by pounding all sorts of green beer, hard liquor, wine, and mixed drinks throughout the day and into the night, sources confirmed.

“I’d like to dedicate this to the great ambassador of the one glorious gospel to the lost souls of Ireland,” one man in Boston declared just before some friends hoisted him up to perform his third keg stand of the morning.

“Saint Paaatrrrriiiiiiick!” a woman from Los Angeles cried out, overcome with emotion at the thought of the devout evangelist. “Brrrrfffrrrrrraaagggdddlllellll hahaha!” she added.

A Denver man paying his respects to the missionary echoed the celebratory yet reverential mood sweeping the nation. “To the man who was taken captive into slavery at the young age of 16, escaped, and then returned to the land of his enslavement to share the soul-saving gospel of Jesus Christ among the pagan Druids who wanted him dead!” he said between shots of Jack Daniel’s at a local Applebee’s. “This one’s for you, Patrick!”

“More shots! It’s what ol’ Paddy would have wanted!” he added.

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