Ouch, that hurt! Now give me lots of money (a sample of inane lawsuits)

I live in Orange County and there has been a relatively big story lately about an accident that occurred in one of the local harbors. The harbors here have several byways in the form of channels lined with docks and homes. They are all “no-wake” zones and littered with low bridges. A few months ago, a few morons left a bar, hopped into a speedboat, and proceeded to boat down one of these channels at high speed. As they went under one of the bridges, the boat made it and the men didn’t. I believe the accident killed two of them and seriously injured a third. Now remember, all three men were very intoxicated and committed a felony just by driving the boat. I usually don’t wish to speak ill of the recently deceased, but this case is Darwinesque.

Well, the families of the two men are suing the city for millions of dollars for failure to post a “low bridge” sign. Unbelievable. These idiots got drunk, got in a boat, went down a channel well above the posted speed limit, ran into a bridge, and it’s the city’s fault? The sad thing is, they’ll probably just settle out of court and the families will have a bunch of money to help forget about the deaths of their loved ones. Pitiful. It seems to be the American way these days. We have become such a litigious society that everyone is suing anyone for the most inane reasons. Here are some of the most ridiculous examples.

So much for truth in advertising

In 1991, a Michigan man sued the large brewer for false advertising and mental anguish. Citing a commercial in which two women come to life for a couple of Budweiser drinkers, he was angry that he wasn’t experiencing the same fantasy.

Because he’s an idiot and tried to make this happen so often, he also sued for financial loss. The case was dismissed by the judge.

Maybe he really wanted to be rear-ended

This one, also in Michigan, involves a 27 year old man who was the victim of a minor car accident. Several years later, the man sued the person who hit him claiming that the accident changed his sexuality.

You read that right. He said that since the accident he was no longer sexually attracted to his wife, moved in with his parents, and started frequenting gay bars. You see! All Ted Haggard had to do was get into a small accident to cure his gayness. That would have been much faster.

Since you’re suing everyone, sue yourself too

When you’re in prison serving a 23 year sentence, I guess there’s nothing left to lose. In 1995, a prisoner sued himself for $5 million. He said that because he allowed himself to get drunk and commit grand larceny, he violated his civil rights and religious beliefs.

His idea was that since he was a ward of the state, the state would have to pay any damages awarded to him. The judge had himself a little chuckle and threw out the case.

Did you ever think of looking out the window?

A woman was watching the local news waiting for the weather report. After some mindless banter and lame jokes, the prediction was for sunny weather. She went out without a coat and got caught in a downpour.

She subsequently caught a flu bug, missed four days of work, and had to buy some NyQuil. She sued for $1000 for that and mental duress.

That’s a frisky pool!

This one happened overseas, but it just means that there are crazy people elsewhere as well. A woman sued an Egyptian hotel because she claimed the swimming pool at the hotel got her 13-year-old daughter pregnant.

She said that there must have been sperm floating in the pool because her daughter “did not meet any boys on the trip”. Sure. Maybe ignorance is bliss, maybe apathy or bad parenting is to blame. Either way, this woman must have failed every biology class she ever took.

If it’s triple-ply, it could be dangerous

A man in Alabama sued a Wendy’s because “unreasonably dangerous toilet paper dispensers.” Hold on while I try to contain my laughter. OK, better. Anyways, he said that a roll of toilet paper dislodged from the dispenser and seriously injured him.

Now, I toilet papered my fair share of houses when I was a kid. I guess that time when the roll hit me in the face (that I barely noticed) I should have feigned injury and sued my friend.

An act of God? Not is this guy has anything to say

Ernie Chambers is a senator from Nebraska. Pay close attention to that, because that means he is a man of the people and a smart one at that, right? Well, maybe not. You see, Senator Chambers decided that his state was being targeted by natural disasters. They must have been small ones, because I didn’t hear about any. Well, he took it to court and sued God.

The senator claims that the defendant, who at the risk of sounding redundant is God, directly and proximately has caused, inter alia, fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornados, and pestilential plagues.” While that may or may not be true, the judge wouldn’t hear the case because the defendant wouldn’t show up for a hearing. Chambers attempted to base his ability to sue God as, “the defendant, being omnipresent, is personally present in Douglas County.” “No dice” said the judge.