10. Kyle Schwarber

It was the middle of a long, cold offseason when new Schwarber appeared, like a light in the darkness, to fill our heads with dreams of a 40 home run year. I’m sure we all remember where we were when we saw that workout video, and I’m sure we all had the same first thought. Holy shit, Kyle Schwarber has a really nice ass. Our sample size with regard to photographic evidence is limited, since our boys have only just recently come back to us, but you’ll just have to trust me here. You’re gonna like hearing the crack of his bat, but you’re gonna love watching him swing it.

9. Kris Bryant

You might think this is shockingly low for the token pretty boy. But most of Bryant’s biggest strengths reside above his waist. Other than his endlessly confusing “is it or isn’t it a rat tail?” haircut, Kris Bryant checks all the boxes. Blue eyes, great smile, and the kind of teen heartthrob face that makes you think, are you kidding me? His placement isn’t so much a commentary on the actual quality of his ass, but rather a reflection of the fact that he won’t let us freaking see it. Why is our most beautiful boy so insistent on these upsetting and unnecessary baggy pants? This issue, seriously, was once the subject of an online petition with over one hundred signers. Unfortunately, it seems not to have convinced the former MVP, so we’re left to wonder just how magnificent it really is. Do better, Kris.

8. Yu Darvish

What can I say? Yu makes me feel like a natural woman. He kept us in suspense during the endless winter but he makes no secret of the fact that his real secret weapon is his derriere. His long legs are just a pedestal, really, for his ample cheeks. He’s not quite at full Anthony Rizzo yet, but if this photo is any indication, we might get to see Yu shake his real moneymaker (worth all $126 million) soon. All I know is I’m grateful his best asset isn’t wasting away in a half-empty ballpark in Milwaukee.

7. Albert Almora Jr.

I’ll spare you an al-MORE-a joke, but honestly, the #FreeAlmora hashtag should apply to both the roster and his butt. If you think Kyle’s too skinny and Willson’s too thick, Albert Almora Jr. may have the best ass for you. Like Goldilocks’ final bowl of porridge, his rear end is just right, and much like the man himself, it’s poised to make an even bigger splash this season. He’s the guy you hate to see strike out, but you love to watch walk back to the dugout. Now that the trade rumors have gone away, it is finally safe to let yourself get emotionally attached to Albert’s bat and his buns.

6. Kyle Hendricks

Let me teach you a little bit about everyone’s favorite Professor. Kyle Hendricks is that sneaky hot teacher that you always liked to watch turn around and write on the blackboard. He may have ice in his veins, but he’s packing heat in his pinstripe pants. He’s the guy who’d definitely let you sleep over and then do your taxes in the morning. I’m not going to underrate his ass the way baseball fans do his pitching. It might seem small at first, but when you see him stretch, you’ll know exactly why the simple geometry of the curve of his butt cheeks guaranteed him a place on the list.

5. Anthony Rizzo

“How could you rank this juicy cut of strip steak at #5?” Look, I don’t make the rules. If this were a list ranking best usage of butts, Anthony would be a shoe-in for the top spot. He twerks, he wears short-shorts, and he gets so many hits than you almost never have to go a game without seeing him give you a look at his backside. They say Anthony is one of the most charitable players in baseball, and his generous spirit apparently extends to giving the people what they want most; plenty of opportunities to watch him shake his ass.

4. Tommy La Stella

His at bats are great, but his ass is just…wait for it…Tommy La Stellar. If you were waiting for proof that amazing things come in small packages, look no further than the infield when Tommy’s playing. His numbers in the pert and perkiness categories were sky high, which definitely makes up for any deficiency in general thickness. Good thing he gets hits so often, because it sure is nice to watch him run the bases.

3. Ian Happ

Surprised? I know I was. He might still be auditioning for leadoff, but he’s already booked third on my roster. He may not have the thick thighs like Contraez, but that just makes his perfectly round behind stand out even more. Happ’s serving you two ripe peaches on a pale pink plate, and who doesn’t love taking a bite out of one of those on a hot day? When he comes up to the plate, you can’t help but say “oh boy”.

2. Willson Contreras

If Willson would just be kind enough to give us some photos of his bare ass like some other contenders, we might be having a butt battle in the thunderdome right now. Absent further evidence, I confidently place this year’s NL MVP in the number two spot. The apple of my eye with a perfect apple bottom, Willson’s got a big year ahead that we can only hope lands him in the next Body Issue. Spending a few hours with a perfect view while he squats behind the dish is the most compelling argument I’ve ever heard to splurge on seats behind home plate. If “thicc” were a real word and required a definition, you’d find a photo of Willson Contreras’s ass right beside it.

Javy Baez

You knew it. You saw it coming. The obvious choice is obvious for a reason, folks. What needs to be said about Javy Baez’s ass that you haven’t already thought about after seeing him completely naked on the cover of Sports Illustrated? It’s a thing of beauty, it puts all others to shame, it inspires you, clears your skin, brightens your day and adds ten years to your life. The cure for cancer might well be Javy Baez’s perfect ass. With just the right amount of curve, supported by the kind of muscular thighs that would make a Greek sculptor cry, there’s no denying that whatever his batting average may be, his butt is always an outta the fuckin’ park no doubt home run.