“I think women can do everything”

Except make a good Charlie’s Angels movie…This is the very first line of the film, if you were expecting anything short of a woke progressive lecture squeezed into a less than a subpar action movie, then you probably got suckered out of some cash. “No one takes women seriously” another not so subtle line from this movie. Sadly if this was true, this film would have never been made. Who the hell asked for this movie? The Charlie’s Angels films of the early 2000s weren’t even good and those lead actresses were actually attractive and Bill Murray was actually funny. Sixteen years later, you put the woman in charge of the Pitch Perfect series to write and direct a $55 million dollar action film and then wonder why the film bombed at the box office.

The new Charlie’s Angels begin with our “heroes” getting one up on a bunch of sexist men who probably committed the mortal sin of mansplaining or something. In a universe where now everyone is a ‘Bosley’ rendering the name to the equivalent of a supervisor instead of an actual person, a super-smart woman of science has created a device the size of a paperweight that can hack into any device in the world, sustain a clean source of energy, and also kill people with an EMP. So of course, some big dumb man in a suit wants to use black market capitalism to make money off of it and it is up to our squad of strong female empowerment to save the day from power-hungry neanderthals.

At this point, cynicism is a requirement for modern-day popcorn films because the era of “female empowerment” has become a lazy excuse for churn out misandry disguised as entertainment. Hollywood continues to be shocked and appalled that half of all moviegoers are men, and men only aren’t flocking out to spend money on films that take 2 hours to tell them how terrible they are. The art of progressive filmmaking has become so lazy that the only way to get any enjoyment out of it is to turn it into a drinking game.

Are all the men in the film portrayed as buffoons? Take a shot!

Are all women smart, powerful, and like other women? Take a shot!

Are the characters lecturing you about the #MeToo movement? Take a shot!

Did some sexist pig ask you to smile? Take a shot!

Are all the male characters villains? Take a shot!

Are female characters kicking men in the balls as a repeat comedy gag? Take a shot!

You will spend so much time figuring out how to apologize for being a man, you’ll forget that you are sitting down for 2 hours watching three women who have as much chemistry as India/Pakistan soccer rally trying and failing to present themselves as charismatic action heroes. Elizabeth Banks, the writer and director, has even less grasp on the action genre as she has in comedy. The set pieces of this film are completely unimpressive as there is no flow in the way this convoluted plot is told or shown. Banks’ misandry makes the twist of the film way too predictable because we can’t have a man look redeemable right? At one point, some poor security guard, who is just doing his job gets straight-up murdered by the good girls and his death is mocked as an ‘oopsie’ because he did ask a woman to smile so he probably deserved it. If you don’t find man-hating feminism funny, then you’ll probably won’t laugh because the punchline requires you to identify gender studies dogma as the joke.

These women don’t take orders from no man because even Charlie is a woman now too. Charlie’s Angels is just as dull and woke as it was advertised to be. It’s films like this that are causing audiences to stay home and save money…and you should do the same.

1/5

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