This recipe for Apple Dumplings uses Granny Smith apples, Pillsbury crescent rolls, and a can of Mountain Dew. Oh, and more butter than you’ve ever seen. Serve these beauties with ice cream (or, if you’re on a diet, a huge dollop of sweetened whipped heavy cream) and you’ll be left wondering how such ordinary ingredients can be so sublime.

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My mom visited a month ago, and just before she left I called her and said, “Mom?” The End.

No, that wasn’t really the end. I just like to do that sometimes. I said, “Mom? Will you please bring your recipes?” Then I batted my eyelashes and waited for her answer.

“Sure,” she said. And I jumped for joy. Because you see, my mom’s “recipes” amount to two enormous—like, the most gargantuan I’ve ever seen—three-ring binders stuffed with plastic sleeves that contain every wonderful, fabulous recipe she’s used since The Dark Ages, or at least since around 1968. She still collects and tests recipes, so her plastic sleeves are updated with modern, interesting foods.

So I have a confession to make, seriously. When I looked forward to my mother’s visit, all I could think about was getting my hands on her recipe binders…and honestly, I secretly had the thought, Maybe she’ll forget them and leave them at my house. Then, while she was here and I was tidying up the kitchen, I “absentmindedly” put the binders in my pantry so they’d be out of the way. And sure enough, when she pulled away from my house the following Monday morning and drove back to Tennesse, she did so without her binders. And I’ve had them ever since.

I’ll have to make my peace with God about whether or not I subliminally, subconsciously, maybe, sorta, kinda, willed her recipe binders into being left here, but boy howdy, have I had some fun with those suckers! One of the first things I zeroed in on was this recipe for Apple Dumplings. Emailed to her by a friend known only as “Donna,” it uses Granny Smith apples, Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, and…GULP: a can of Mountain Dew. Oh, and more butter than you’ve ever seen on this website, ever. I had no idea what to expect, but it looked so easy, I had to try.

The result? I had to throw the pan away. These apple dumplings were SO indescribably delicious, after I took one bite to try them out, I proceeded to take thirty-four more. Then I became racked with guilt, fear, and shame, and I took another bite. Then I tossed the pan into the garbage. They were evil. And they had to be destroyed.

For those of you with will power, though, these are really surprisingly delightful! The texture of the crescent rolls becomes something entirely different during the baking process: the top gets delightfully crisp and flavorful, while the underneath side remains soft and mushy and more “apple dumpling-y”. And the Mountain Dew, coupled with the obscene amound of butter, creates a yummy, sweet sauce at the end. Serve these beauties with ice cream (or, if you’re on a diet, a huge dollup of sweetened whipped heavy cream) and you’ll be left wondering how such ordinary ingredients can be so sublime.



The Cast of Characters: Granny Smith apples, Butter, Sugar, Vanilla, Cinnamon, Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, and a can of Mountain Dew.









Start by peeling and coring 2 Granny Smith apples. It doesn’t matter if they’re a little bruised and battered. My boys used these to play raquetball earlier that day, and they worked just fine.









Next, cut the apples into eight slices.









Butter a 9 x 13 inch baking pan. (Mine was a little smaller and I later ran out of room, so please don’t take matters into your own hands and choose some funky pan that’s too small. I’ll regret it the rest of my life.)









Now I want you to cast aside any preconceived notions you might have about refrigerator crescent rolls. Then I want you to open the can of crescent rolls and unroll the dough.









Just pretend it’s puffed pastry. And really what’s the big difference? (I have a feeling someone out there is going to answer that for me.)









In any event, roll up an apple slice in each of the crescent rolls.









Like this!









Now lay each one into the buttered baking pan. And let’s just acknowledge the elephant in the room: the black smudge on my left thumb. It isn’t mascara. It isn’t Sharpie pen. It’s grease from the underside of my tripod head, which can stick a little. I would have Photoshopped it out, but that wouldn’t be keepin’ it real, now, would it?









Now, melt 2 sticks regular (salted) butter in a saucepan.









Dump in 1 1/2 cups sugar…









And here’s the kicker: just barely stir together.









Also add in 1 teaspoon vanilla…









And barely stir. You definitely want the mixture lumpy and grainy.









Now pour the very low-calorie mixture over the top of the dumplings, making sure to thoroughly coat them.









I’m so pleased to be able to bring you healthy, low-fat cuisine. Makes me feel like I’m doing my part in the world.









Now, the recipe calls for a 12-ounce can of Mountain Dew, but I wound up using only one of these little ones. And by the way, aren’t these just the cutest little things?





And there’s another black smudge. I can’t escape them…they’re taking over. But I’m just happy you guys accept me, black smudgy fingers and all.









So what you want to do is, pour Mountain Dew all around the edge of the pan.









I also deviated from the rules a bit and poured it down the center. But only because I was feeling dangerous.





NOW. Sprinkle the top with cinnamon and bake at 350 degrees for 30-45 minutes, watching to make sure they don’t get too brown. (You’ll definitely want them golden brown and crispy on top, though.)









And here’s what they’ll look like.









Now, when I first pulled the pan out of the oven, there was quite a lot of liquid sloshing around in the pan. This happened because I used a smaller pan than the recipe called for, and I had to leave out two dumplings. So if you use a 9 x 13-incher, you should be fine. I poured a little of the excess liquid into a separate bowl before I began cutting into the dumplings.









Oh, baby. Honestly, these are to die for. See how crispy they are on top, and how soft and dumpling-y they are on the bottom? That combination of textures is what’s so delicious.









Serve it with vanilla ice cream (cinnamon ice cream would be perfect, too), and don’t be afraid to top the whole thing with some of the sweet sauce from the bottom of the pan.





If you want to just drink that stuff with a straw, that’d be fine, too.





Enjoy!



