Heaven—

Jesus had a rare heart-to-heart moment with a Halfway Post reporter in which He said that He often found Himself self-conscious around many of the older, tougher pagan figures and deities.

“I mean, look at Prometheus,” Jesus said. “That guy is a tough son of a gun, what with his organs being shredded apart by a terrifying eagle over and over for eternity. I was put on a cross, but only for a day. Like, yeah, it hurt like a mother to have my hands nailed to the beam, and to just kind of hang there for a bit. There were some spear stabbings as well, like in my ribs. That wasn’t pleasant, of course. But it just doesn’t compare to being chained to a mountain and shredded apart every day by razor sharp eagle talons and an awful beak pecking my flesh apart. Literally, every day. Like this morning Prometheus was torn into, and yesterday, and it will happen again to him tomorrow, and the day after that. And, as far as crucifixions go, mine really wasn’t that bad. I died very quickly. A lot of Roman criminals had to stay up there and slowly starve to death over a couple weeks.”

Jesus then offered his thoughts on other notable figures’ sufferings.

“Sisyphus has it pretty rough too, and gets no breaks from eternal, pointless slavery. He has to go on with that boulder forever. I suffered, yeah, but I’ve had a 2,000-year break since. There is no end for Sisyphus. And to be perfectly honest, it’s not very comfortable up in Heaven talking to so many humans who have suffered way worse than I ever did. You know how many people in Medieval Britain were drawn and quartered? They were literally torn apart and split into four pieces. Yikes. Gives me chills just thinking about it. I’d much rather sign up for the cross again than that. And you humans really have a tendency to invent new torture methods we could never dream of back in my day in the 1st Century! I may have gotten crucified, but I was never forced into sex slavery for a decade. I never had to face the Chinese method of death by a thousand cuts. I never had an abusive father that hit me and my siblings and my mom in drunken rages throughout my whole childhood. I was never sentenced to hard labor or a concentration camp, or subjected to cruel medical testing. I was never drafted into a pointless war. Or what about that ancient bronze bull thing where you were cooked alive, and your shrieks made the sound of a cow moo-ing? I was never locked up in solitary confinement for years. That’s some messed up crap. Yeesh. Like, honestly, as far as horrible experiences go, my crucifixion really wasn’t, like, quote ‘the worst.’ I’m glad you all honor the sacrifice I made to die for your sins and everything, but I really wish you’d all stop acting like I suffered the worst pain imaginable, because there are people alive right now, today, suffering worse than I ever did. Just saying.”

Thanks for the interview, Jesus.

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Picture courtesy of Giotto.

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