'I wish I'd had one fewer children': Inside the head of Alan Partridge



Regrets? North Norfolk Digital’s legendary DJ – who bears an uncanny resemblance to comedian Steve Coogan – has a few. Like having one too many children, mocking the owners of Japanese cars.... oh, and shooting a man dead on his TV talk show

Biggest disappointment? 'It'll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he'd been more careful,' said Alan Partridge

What is your earliest memory?

I was stood on a pavement by a parade of shops while my mother attempted to parallel-park again and again and again. I ended up shouting directions at the flustered woman until she got it right.



What sort of child were you?

Above all, I was a good scout. So much so that I later set up an annual bursary prize for Best Scout at my local troop. But when I checked recently the standing order had been stopped years earlier, so I need to look into that.



When did you last feel really happy and why?

I got to sit in a Buick at the Goodwood Revival festival last year while dressed as a gangster and simulating Tommy Gun noises with my mouth. I still have the photos!



What has been your biggest achievement?

Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television. Can you imagine Daybreak pre-Partridge?



… and your biggest disappointment?

It’ll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he’d been more careful.



What are you best at and why, and what would you like to be better at?

I’m a whizz at getting lids off jam jars. The trick is to push downwards towards the jar. I’ve embarrassed many a meathead/strongman using this technique. Wish I’d been a better dad.

Biggest achievement? 'Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television,' said Alan Partridge

Who would your dream dinner date be?

Julia Bradbury. We’d go on a walk and the heavens would open. Giggling like teenagers, we dive into a local pub and dry off in front of the fire eating a pie. Then we have a kiss.



What is your biggest fear?

Can’t say I’m thrilled with the way Komodo dragons walk (it’s a butch lizard stroll), but it’d probably be a sudden spike in interest rates. I’ve got a buy-to-let portfolio on a tracker mortgage and a one per cent rise will end me.



What is your biggest regret and why?

I wish I’d had one fewer children. They say it costs £140,000 to raise a child to 18. Would my life be better if I’d had only one child but a three-bedroom holiday villa? Of course.



What or who do you dream about?

I often dream that my bedroom window is a ghost’s mouth. I know it isn’t but I dream that it is.



Who do you most admire and why?

David Cameron. He somehow manages to be both a man of the people and better than us.



What’s the worst thing that anyone has ever said to you?

‘I don’t love you.’ I asked: ‘Do you mean you don’t love me, or you’re not in love with me?’ Reply: ‘Both.’



Which living person do you despise the most – and why?

I sometimes worry that growing older has mellowed my hatred of things, and with it my passion, my sharpness. But then a youth TV presenter says ‘could of’ instead of ‘could have’ and there I am, throwing food at the television.



What is your most treasured possession?

My hair. As a youth I used to keep it long at the back like a superhero’s cape. These days I wear it close-cropped, but it never fails to attract admiring glances from women of all ages and socio-economic groups.



Who would you most like to say sorry to?

Owners of Japanese cars. I spent all of the 1980s and most of the 1990s using my position as a radio DJ to publicly mock them. It was a war waged without respite, without mercy, without humanity. And I know for a fact that it forced at least one local man to consider switching to Vauxhall (in the end he didn’t). How ironic then, that I now drive a Toyota Avensis.



How would you like to be remembered?

As the first person to suggest a West Bank-style wall around Norfolk (mark my words, it’ll happen).



What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Voted Labour. It was only in an election for the European Parliament, but as soon as I’d done it I knew it was wrong. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling of remorse but less than an hour later I was violently sick near a bin.



When did you last tell a lie – and what was it?

I recently told a woman in a wine bar that I had a double-jointed thumb.

