Polyamorous Lifestyle Keeping Woman Open to Variety of Disappointing Sexual Experiences

ATLANTA — Local woman Anna Valentina shared Monday that the most redeeming aspect of being polyamorous is having the freedom to stay open to a variety of disappointing sexual experiences, according to sources.

“Most of my friends are perfectly fine being in monogamous marriages and relationships, and that’s great if that works for them,” said Valentina. “But humans weren’t meant to settle down with just one shitty and inattentive partner their whole life. I think we’re meant to keep our hearts open to all kinds of narcissists, degenerates, and musicians who desperately need to go to therapy.”

“There are so many different kinds of people out there… why settle on just one to leave you physically and emotionally unfulfilled?” she continued.

Valentina reported that opening up her relationships has given her the freedom to engage in a variety of lukewarm and generally unsatisfying sexual encounters beyond the confines of monogamy.

“I used to think the only option out there was being with just one boring person, but it turns out that if you’re willing to put in the work, you can have all kinds of insufferable partners. It’s incredibly freeing to know you’re not tied down to just one mediocre human,” said Valentina. “It’s sad that society expects us to limit ourselves, when there is a whole world full of people who can bumble around your juicy bits and take their sweet time responding to your texts.”

Sources close to Valentina confirmed a steady increase in the number of partners failing to fill the void in her life.

“I think it’s great Anna found something that works for her,” said her roommate Allison Kelman. “The open relationship thing wasn’t right for me — I prefer to be with one partner who barely tolerates me and puts their bandmates’ needs first. But it’s reassuring to see that, despite her limitless options for sexual and romantic encounters, she still manages to be let down by all kinds of folks who struggle with basic communication skills and have the mental capacity of basset hound puppies.”

Valentina later added that any jealous feelings arising from her open relationships are quickly quelled upon realizing that her primary partner is also “probably engaging with other incompetent losers who can’t satisfy her and haven’t changed their sheets all year.”