STATE COLLEGE, PA—Penn State students were devastated Monday to learn that their commencement speaker will be "some dork scientist" who discovered DNA, authored the groundbreaking book The Double Helix, helped establish the Human Genome Project, and is not late-night talk-show host Stephen Colbert. "This is so lame," said senior biochemistry major Beth Reiss, whose hero ever since she discovered her love for science has been Stephen Colbert. "We didn't work our butts off in the lab for four years to sit and listen to some brainiac without his own insanely popular television show." As of press time, the Nobel Prize–winning nobody was deliberating over perhaps opening his commencement speech with a joke.

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