To the owners and staff of the Storybook Petting Zoo:

As per the agreement reached between us, please find attached a letter of apology for my role in "all that unpleasantness." As discussed, this letter will also be posted publicly on a major comedy website of my choosing. In light of my repeated inability to have any assets worth seizing, I trust that this settles the matter in full.

I am sorry about the things that I did as a seasonal worker while working at your petting zoo from May 2010 through late May 2010. I am not sorry for all of my actions, some being related to general job duties. My attendance those three weeks for example was exemplary -- I make no apologies for that, and indeed have boasted about it at some length in conversations since then. So, to clarify the exact nature and quantity of my sorriness, I have detailed my specific apology-warranting actions below.

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I am sorry about punching your popular goat Fred. I have explained my actions before, but wish to make it clear in this record that Fred harassed and belittled me from the first day I started work at Storybook Petting Zoo, that management did nothing to address this hostile environment and that on the day of the punching, I was provoked by Fred.