STARKILLER BASE II — The last of the bunting is in place but 100-foot tall posters of the galaxy’s most notorious politician are still being finalized as The First Order prepares for a celebration the likes of which it has never seen. Ever since Watto J. Watto bested Leia Organa-Solo for the title of Supreme Chancellor, everyone at the newly minted planet-destroying weapon has been busy as a bee.

According to sources, Leader Snoke himself will be visiting later today to examine the party grounds designed by the Committee for First Order Festivities, headed by General Hux and Kylo Ren.

According to Hux:

“Our goal is to help restore the Galaxy to a First World nation, founded on Snoke’s word. This does not mean that we want to see anything bad happen to the darker alien races … we simply want to live separate from them … As Snoke and the Empire intended. It is a simple fact that whenever these races try to integrate themselves into a First Order society, that society is damaged immensely … perhaps even destroyed altogether like Starkiller Base I. Everything that we do as First Order members is in furtherance of our ultimate goal. We are not evil; hateful people as our enemies would have you believe. We are common beings from all walks of life who have recognized the problems that our race is facing. We have chosen to stand and fight for those things that we hold dear to our people. Won’t you stand with us, while there is still time! It is the duty of all First Order men and women to fight against the Refugees who have stolen our Galaxy… Most of our youth are on death sticks or pregnant with a mongrel alien child. If the great Emperor Sheev Palpatine could see the First Order today they would have our leaders put to DEATH. For Treason against the Galaxy. They are rolling in their graves as you read this now. We as a people can change this course in which the Galaxy has taken. We need to come together as First Order men and women and greedy self-hating Toydarians to spread the word to others. Grab the blind Resistance by their heads and shake them until they wake up from their naps and tell them to look around because the Galaxy is sinking. And through the First Order we will wake the Galaxy up to the evils which is the Centrist party. We will unite proud stormtroopers to our cause because we have Snoke on our side. And with giant holograms of creepy undead leaders we can’t lose.”

Our sources tell us the celebration is open to all Watto J. Watto supporters with the exception of:

Dark skinned aliens

Dark skinned humanoids

Droids of any kind

Toydarians with Watto as the only exception

White woman who rate below a 7 on the Kylo scale of 1 to hot ass cousin 10

Anyone gay or bisexual or in any way transexual or transatlantic

Jedi scum

Amputees — ew!

Dark skinned bounty hunters

The festivities are set to begin tomorrow and last three fort nights — a Toydarian tradition to keep costs down. While security will understandably be tight, there is always the possibility that Organa-Solo supporters will show up in droves anyway.

Keep it locked to FakingStarWars.net for updates on this and all other unbelievable stories from a galaxy far, far away.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo