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WE LOST AND WE WON AND THE UNITED STATES MEN'S SOCCER TEAM ARE OUT OF THE GROUP OF DEAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHH.

THIS MAY NOT BE ACCURATE BUT I DON'T CARE HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A TEAM SO THOROUGHLY DOMINATE IN A 1-0 LOSS? DID YOU SEE HOW THE GERMANS SIMPLY COULD NOT KICK THROUGH OUR POWERFUL BURGER KING LEGS BUT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE MATCH? DID YOU NOTICE THE REFINEMENT WITH WHICH WE ALLOWED THEM TO SHOOT ON GOAL, KNOWING WITH OUR HUGE, GRAIN-FED BRAINS THAT WE COULD ALLOW THEM ONE GOAL TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES. THE GERMANS NEED THAT AFTER PRODUCING SOME OF THE MUSIC THEY'VE MADE OVER THE PAST FORTY YEARS. WE'RE GIVERS AND LOVERS, AND THAT'S WHY WE DID THAT.

Clint Dempsey during his post match celebration

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A TEAM SO THOROUGHLY TROUNCE THEIR OWN DEATH SENTENCE AFTER MAN-FROG-TOADSTOOL SEPP BLATTER RIGGED THE LOTTERY AND GAVE US THE WORST DRAW IN RECENT HISTORY? DID YOU EVER SEE ANYONE SHRUG OFF PERENNIAL FOES GHANA, NOTORIOUSLY COMPETENT PORTUGAL, AND THE LEGENDARY MANNSCHAFT OF BIG BAD GERMANY WITH SUCH EASE? DID YOU SEE US SURVIVE PLAYING A ROSTER OF HALF-GERMAN REPLACEMENT PARTS AND STRIVING MLS PLAYERS? DID YOU SEE JURGEN KLINSMANN SEWING YOU AN IMMACULATE BALLGOWN FROM OLD SOCKS AND A SHREDDED UPS PACKAGE? IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT IT'S MADE OF. THAT'S JUST HOW GOOD HE IS.

DID YOU SEE HOW PORTUGAL, IN IMITATION OF OUR EXCELLENCE, MIMICKED OUR QUALITY AND ALSO BEAT GHANA 2-1? DID YOU SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS MAN WAS IN THIS GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR THE UNITED STATES?

NO BETTER PLAYER IN THE WORLD NOT WEARING THE UNITED STATES JERSEY, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. GET THAT MAN SOME CITIZENSHIP AND A CAR THAT DOESN'T RUN ON ECO-SUSTAINABLE WHALE FARTS AND INSTEAD BURNS ATMOSPHERE-KILLING GASOLINE, AND WE CAN CALL HIM ONE OF OURS AS SOON AS WE GET PAST THE FORMALITY OF GIVING HIM A PASSPORT. YOU SAY THERE ARE FIFA RULES AGAINST THIS. WE SAY WE HAVE CASH. IF QATAR CAN GET A WORLD CUP, WE CAN SEE AN AGING AND FAT CR7 FLOPPING FORWARD FOR US IN 2018. THAT'S WHY WE'RE A LAND OF DREAMERS AND DOERS.

MORE IMPORTANTLY LET'S GO THROUGH ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AT THIS PARTY BUT AREN'T. OH LOOK, HERE'S PREVIOUS WORLD CUP WINNER ITALY. OH, LOOK, THE COUNTRY THAT INVENTED THE GAME, ENGLAND. WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT ALL THIS DELICIOUS SHRIMP COCKTAIL WITHOUT YOU. WELL I'LL BE TIKI-TAKA'D, IF THIS ISN'T THE SPOT RESERVED FOR SPAIN. WE HOPE Y'ALL WERE ALLERGIC TO SHRIMP BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO GIVE COLOMBIA AND GREECE ALL OF YOURS, AND SKIM A LITTLE EXTRA FOR OURSELVES ON THE SIDE, BECAUSE THE DOORMAN SAID OUR NAME WASN'T ON THE LIST AND AHAHAHAHAHAHHHAA WE'RE IN THE VIP DRINKING CHAMPAGNE ON YOUR TAB.

GREECE DOESN'T EVEN SCORE ON PURPOSE.

AND THEY'RE HERE TOO.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS THE BEST SPORT ON EARTH. YOU CAN MOCK THE JOY BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE AREN'T CURRENTLY FILLING A JACUZZI WITH IT. THEY SENT US TO THE JUNGLE AND MADE US PLAY BETTER TEAMS. THEY MADE US PLAY IN A FLOODED CITY AGAINST BETTER COMPETITION -- LOVE YOU, GERMANY, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT FOOD OR CLAPPING ON THE BEAT IS -- AND WE STILL SURVIVED. OUR BEST PLAYER GOT HIS NOSE BROKEN WHEN A GHANAIAN KICKED IT IN. OUR STAR MIDFIELDER HAS CAUGHT THE DREADED AMAZONIAN WOODFOOT VIRUS, AND HAS SHOWN NO SIGNS OF RECOVERY. OUR GOALIE HAS BEEN LEFT OUT TO DRY MORE TIMES THAN SOMETHING WHICH WOULD PEE ITS WETSUIT A LOT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT

OUR GOALIE HAS BEEN LEFT OUT TO DRY MORE TIMES THAN SOMETHING WHICH WOULD PEE ITS WETSUIT A LOT.

THE POINT IS THAT THE UNITED STATES WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. WE WON. WE LOST. WE DREW. AND IN THE END WE DID NOT DIE, AND NOW MOVE INTO THE KNOCKOUT ROUNDS WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. YOU CAN TRY TO MOCK SURVIVAL ALL YOU WANT BUT IT'S THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN HERE. YOU CAN TRY TO MOCK SOCCER, BUT SHIT I KNOW YOU'RE NOT WATCHING BASEBALL.

WE PLAY BELGIUM NEXT (PROBABLY!). AS SOON AS AMERICA LOOKS UP WHAT BELGIUM IS WE'LL FORM A DEFINITE AND VIOLENTLY FELT OPINION ON THE MATTER. BUT FIRST WE NEED TO LAY DOWN BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN DRINKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, AND NEED A NAP. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE KIND THE SPANISH TAKE IN THE AFTERNOON, WHILE THEY AREN'T WATCHING THEIR SOCCER TEAM THAT ISN'T IN THE WORLD CUP. YOU SHOULD WATCH GAME OF THRONES, SPAIN. IT'S A LOT LIKE THE WORLD CUP IN THAT EVERYONE DIES, AND AN AMERICAN STILL HAS A HAND IN WRITING THE SCRIPTS.