How Being Quarantined Has Taught Me to Accept That I’m Transgender Brea Elle Follow Apr 11 · Unlisted

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When I was a child, more so in my earliest days, I felt like a girl and it was a natural feeling to me. The only thing I discovered when finding my “male” penis was that I wanted to be another boy’s playground girlfriend. Too early to tell, I know, but I felt that natural role at such a young age. I had dressed up in girl’s clothing, put on my mother’s makeup, played with barbie dolls, and put pillows in my shirt to pretend I was pregnant. These actions stayed in my childhood, buried in the back of my mind.

Now, how is it that at twenty-six years old, I’m finally coming to terms with what I now know as being transgender? The answer is more complex, and quarantine time has helped me dig deeper.

What Does it Even Mean to be Transgender?

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Being transgender is brought on by a medical condition called gender dysphoria in which somebody’s gender identity doesn’t match with the sex they were assigned at birth. This comes from what has been scientifically proven as being born with a brain similar to that of the opposite sex a person identifies with. The misunderstanding in society stems from people not understanding the difference between biological sex and gender. The term “dysphoria” describes distress that has caused many to either transition, commit suicide, or live a life of discomfort. Altogether, one can see how seemingly simple yet completely complex being transgender truly is.

My Environment Forced Me to Suppress My Dysphoria

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Growing up in the ’90s and 2000s, society was nowhere near how open it is today in creating an open space for discussion on trans issues. Being a child in that era, one could imagine the amount of suppression I had to do. My parents never let me watch Powerpuff Girls because it was too girly. I was forbidden from watching movies with super effeminate characters because they knew I was impressionable. Cutting the hair on my sister’s barbie dolls warranted a father-son trip to Disney because my father thought I needed male attention. I don’t blame my parents for their heteronormative actions, but I recognize it influenced my impressionable mind.

All the while, I truly wanted to explore these parts of myself. I wanted to be my daddy’s little princess and grow up to be somebody’s wife. It was beyond me being a gay child because of how I naturally felt on the inside. Even homosexuality was (and still is) a taboo to express, and they both came hand in hand. The times I was outside of the house in environments where I could play with wigs and dress up made me feel like a complete person. Most people can say children don’t know at that age, but they don’t know what a child truly feels when it comes to their own identity.

Gender Dysphoria Haunted Me Throughout the Years

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As time went on and society progressed, I still had to suppress my gender dysphoria. The 2000s was a time where being gay was at the forefront of major shame, and people still didn’t acknowledge trans identities. I didn’t even know what transgender was and thought the idea of a man transitioning into a woman was strange to me. For that, I continuously shoved my dysphoria to the backburner of my mind while letting it whisper through my expressions. Even then, the environment I was in bullied me into believing that being a boy who acts like a girl was a deadly sin.

While I had no clue what gender dysphoria was, my subconscious actions manifested itself through my friendships and inspirations. From middle school and beyond, my only friends were girls. I couldn’t relate to the guys around me, and it was ironic because I was gay. All of my inspirations in comedy and music were exclusively female because I saw myself in these powerful female figures. Simultaneously, my hair grew to caress my shoulders and my confusion transformed me into a guy suffocated in silence.

Although I Learned How to Embrace Being a Guy, I Was Still Uncomfortable

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During high school through my freshman year of college, I still strongly felt like a girl but forced myself to embrace being a guy. I equate it to the same actions I took to make myself attracted to women when all I wanted was to be manhandled by my male math teacher. I was confused and didn’t know how to express it beyond loving to wear drag and makeup and embracing my long hair. At the same time, I was content with being a guy and embraced who I was. I had even called myself 70/30 — seventy percent woman and thirty percent male to acknowledge it.

All of that felt normal to me, but there were instances of gender dysphoria that smacked me in the face and left me confused. It was even more so painful because of how ashamed I felt expressing my femininity. Entering adulthood as a gay male meant discovering a gross reality where men would castrate me because of who I was. Telling me to “man up” was cringy to me and I hated being called a “man”. I would credit me being annoyed with my disgust for toxic masculinity, but it was truly because I just couldn’t identify with the actual word itself.

Being Told I’m Not Man Enough Hurt Me Until I Realized The Truth Hurt

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What most people don’t realize about the gay community is that “femme shaming” is a real thing, and it shattered me internally. I never saw myself as the gay stereotype others saw me as, but as internally a woman. Yet, it still pissed me off every time a guy put me down for being feminine or rejected me altogether. For that reason, I was so scared to show my feminine side to men because I didn’t want to face another painful rejection. I had constantly battled between the desire to be “man enough” in order to be accepted and wanting to be my feminine self.

I had a push and tug battle between wanting to have the perfect male figure and not wanting my body to be masculine. Panicking about my hair thinning had subconsciously been less about wanting to be an attractive guy and more about not wanting to have a masculine bald feature. While I’ve been in love with my penis, I’ve still felt uncomfortable receiving oral because of the disconnect I’d felt with it. This was enough to let my gender dysphoria scream, yet I stayed with ear muffs on because I’ve been taught to live that way.

Quarantine Has Allowed Me to Acknowledge My Silent Truth

Me

For so long, I hid behind calling jokingly myself a 70/30 female and male hybrid because the thought of transitioning frightened me. I’d joke saying that when my hairline starts to go, then I’ll transition — on a deeper level, it showed how scared I was of the reminders that I felt rush to escape signs of manhood. It became even more so painful to ignore the fact that the only time I could embrace my smile and face was when I could dress as my true self. Being in quarantine, I’ve been able to do this every night and face the woman I’ve always been deep within.

Every night, I’ve danced in the mirror, fully feminine and liberated with near tears to my eyes. Allowing myself to finally embrace these parts of me has given me the comfort to embrace my body and let go of a role I’ve never been meant to fill. Feeling worthless and ugly has begun to fade because of how beautiful I feel as my authentic self. It’s been confusing and my mind will gaslight me into feeling like a fraud, but the relief is my answer. These are feelings I’ve suppressed throughout the years because of how evil society has been in shaming those who feel different. These feelings and society can now kiss my ass.

Transitioning is Scary, But So Is Choking on a Lie

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The thought of pushing away my identity so as not to face these feelings any further scares me to no end. While my mind may bully me into believing these feelings were never real, the revelations I’ve had writing this say otherwise. I’ve avoided admitting my feelings and deep pain for so long because of the shame I’ve felt. Dressing as a girl feels embarrassing yet beautiful, and I can feel the links of the chains shattering. It’s a shame I couldn’t do it much sooner, but quarantine and my higher power have given me the time.