Once upon a time there was a young man called Julian. He had white hair and travelled from town to town. Julian wasn’t a very popular young man, as a lot of people thought that he couldn’t keep a secret. The problem was, Julian knew a lot of people’s secrets – and as such, they did their best to keep him quiet.

You might think that telling other people’s secrets is a very bad thing to do, but the truth is that Julian knew a lot of secrets that needed to be told, because those secrets were quite evil, and had caused a lot of pain to a lot of people all over the world. Some of these people had even died, and Julian didn’t want anyone to die. As such, he did what any of us would do, and told the secrets so that no one else would die.

The television and newspapers had a field day, they reported on Julian’s secrets day and night, exposing a lot of things that the Secret Keepers would have preferred not to have been told! These Secret Keepers very now very angry with Julian and as the night fell, they gathered together in the town square with torches and bats, sticks and stones, and began to hunt him. Luckily, Julian escaped.

Julian had to run far away, because some of the Secret Keepers had said they were going to kill him. The people in the town didn’t really know what to think, because they were too busy watching TV and listening to too many Katy Perry songs to care very much about whether or not they were told the truth.

It was an odd time in the town – truth wasn’t very important. It was more important to be seen as cool, and one of the ways people did this was by not caring about anything. Some people called it post modernism, others just called it laziness and stupidity. Either way, no one really cared about much, and those that did didn’t do anything about it.

Anyway, the secret keepers told the television and newspapers to say bad things about Julian – even lies. Some of the lies were that Julian was illegal, and had even indirectly killed people. This was all nonsense of course, and many of the townsfolk didn’t buy it for a second.

A bookshop, called Amazon, which nestled in the heart of the main street in the town, stated that it wouldn’t have anything to do with Julian. The bookshop was very adamant about this – and went so far as to start burning some of the books that Julian had written. The bookshop burnt the books right in the middle of the town square, and some people called it irony. But most people didn’t understand what that meant, so ignored it and went back to watching I’m a Celebrity get me out of here.

After the bookshop burnt the books, a bank called Paypal declared that they were throwing Julian’s bank account out the windows – and they closed his bank account, even though some of Julian’s friend owed him some money and needed to give it to him. Those friends were very angry, but because the bank didn’t care, and the television didn’t tell anyone – no one else cared.

Julian was very worried, and he called upon his friend, who he looked at as a sort of Guardian… and the Guardian defended Julian against the secret keepers, the bookshop, the bank and the television. But no one listened the Guardian because most people didn’t care what he had to say – the secret keepers had told everyone that the Guardian was a liberal, which was code for evil, so most of the townsfolk pretended not to hear what the Guardian said. The Guardian was very sad, but because he was such a good friend of Julian, he stood in the town square every day and shouted out to passersby that Julian was a good man.

No one listened.

The television kept telling the secrets that Julian had told them, and the Secret Keepers, who were already furious, became very angry indeed. One of the Secret Keepers was an old witch that lived at the top of a Hill near the town center. This old witch told the television that Julian needed to be punished.

At the same time, a man from the North Pole had appeared, and he said that Julian was very bad indeed. He told the television that Julian had done sex with a lady but the lady hadn’t wanted it – but this was a lie, because the lady had had wanted it. The man from the North Pole was a policeman and he said he would arrest Julian.

Julian became very scared, and Julian’s friends were even more scared, because they knew that their friend was being a word called smeared, which means that Julian’s good name was being broken by nasty lies.

Unfortunately, a lot of the townsfolk thought that Julian’s friends were also evil, and the townsfolk turned on them. Julian’s friends tried their best to persuade the townsfolk, but the townsfolk were too busy watching X Factor and had already made their minds up.

The Secret Keepers were a little bit happier now, because they had smeared Julian, so now everyone thought he was a baddie. Still, they couldn’t find him, and knew that even if they did, Julian’s friends knew a lot more secrets, so the Secret Keepers became very scared indeed.

They were so scared that they became desperate. Tthey told everyone not to speak to Julian – even Julian’s friends. They told the school children and the people in the church not to speak to Julian, and they thought that that was that.

But that wasn’t that. Not at all.

And one winter’s day, when the television had told an awful lot of secrets, even though they were calling Julian bad, the Secret Keepers became so desperate that they all met up in a mansion in the middle of the town and decided that enough was enough. The Secret Keepers had a man, who had a gun, and they told the man to go and find Julian and kill him.

The man left the town and went out looking for Julian. He found Julian hiding in an old cottage by a river. Julian told the man not to kill him. But the man tried.

But.

The man failed! The man failed because all of Julian’s friends had come to help him! They captured the man and took his gun off him – and they dragged him back to the town. The television was there, but Julian’s friends captured the television too and dragged it along with the man.

The Guardian watched as Julian’s friends dragged the television and the man all the way to the mansion in the middle of the town, where the Secret Keepers were. The mansion was old, and whilst it was richly furnished, it was dilapidated and had lots of leaks. Julian’s friends broke into the mansion and pulled the Secret Keepers from their thrones and out into the square.

Julian was happy, because the Secret Keepers who had tried to kill him were put up on a pyre, and all of Julian’s friends set the pyre alight.

The flames burned brightly, licking against the toes of the Secret Keepers. They yelped and cried, begging for mercy – some of them even promised never to keep a secret again! But they were lying and Julian’s friends were so angry about the lies, and because the Secret Keepers had smeared Julian (which had been very unfair) that they ignored the cries.

The secret Keepers, the man with the gun and the television burned. They all died and Julian’s friends rejoiced! The townsfolk, who had no television left to watch, came out of their small houses and began to enquire about what was going on. Julian’s friends filled them in on all the details, and the townsfolk, now realising how bold the Secret Keepers and television had been, rejoiced as well!

Julian was very tired by now, and wanted to go to bed. He travelled all the way home, back to his Kangaroo farm, promising that he would meet his friends for a big party the next day. As Julian lay down to sleep, he was very happy. It had been an awfully long time since he had slept in his own bed and he went to sleep almost immediately.

The next day, Julian’s Guardian put on a big party in the town – and ordered the bank and bookshop to pay for it, as punishment for being bad. Julian and all of his friends had a big party, eating buns and cakes, jam and eggs – and once they were finished, they walked over to the pyre, which was by now smouldering and ashen, and they laughed and laughed. After all of the lies, it felt very nice indeed to be able to live with the truth, and, when all was back to normal, Julian didn’t need to tell anyone’s secrets again.

He was very happy with this, and spent every day playing with his friends and Guardian – and they all lived happily ever after.