I’m a big rules guy, so staying away from both alcohol and sex until I was 21 was a no-brainer for me. I wasn’t trying to get thrown into the drunk tank or its sex version cousin, the hump tank. Trust me, you don’t want to see the type of fucked up people that wind up in the hump tank. Even more importantly, you REALLY don’t want the type of fucked up people that wind up in the hump tank to see you. They’re like sex-crazed super recognizers — they never forget a face… that they want to fuck.

Because I didn’t drink until I was 21, I never had to worry about being an underager in a bar. I’d always see the GroupMe messages that said “POLICE RAIDING CHASERS GTFO OUT NOW” but they meant nothing to me, for not only was I not in Chasers, I wasn’t even in this world. No, I was in the land of Azeroth pwning noobs as a Night Elf hunter (beast mastery spec, for those of you wondering). Even though I have zero experience dealing with bar raids and even less general social awareness, I do have a pretty good intuition. And, because I’m a nice guy, I’ve decided to share with you some dos and don’ts for when you’re underage at a bar and find yourself in the middle of a police raid.

DON’T start making out with someone.

I’m going to start off with this one because it’s probably the biggest misconception there is when it comes to bar raid etiquette for underagers. If you aren’t familiar, there’s a common rumor that if you’re making out with someone at a bar, police can’t come up and ID you. Some BS about them not being allowed to interrupt an intimate act of love or whatever. Sorry to disappoint you make out fiends out there, but this little life hack is not true. Not even a little. You really think it’d be illegal for a cop to break up a college student bar make out sesh when it’s legal for them to beat the living shit out of people for playing music a little too loud? C’mon, you naive twats.

There’s no doubt in my mind that this ruse was thought up by some creep-ass 19-year-old dude so that he could get chicks to make out with him during bar raids. Give a drunk sorority girl the red pill/blue pill scenario where the red pill is making out with a rando and the blue pill is getting a fake ID ticket and she’ll take the former every time. This loser knew that, and he capitalized on it. It’s a combination of clever and creepy that I believe is described by the word “despicable.”

DO go over to the cops and point out to them people in the bar that you know are underage.

This functions as a way to throw the fuzz off your scent. An underager going up to the police to chat is a suicide mission in theory — which is what makes it so effective. When you casually stroll over to the cops and say “Hey man, think you can go throw those sophomores out of here? They’re big-time creeping on girls and one of them puked in the bathroom,” they won’t think twice before bum rushing the kids you singled out and asking them to hand over their IDs. You get off scot-free, they’re one step closer to meeting their quota, and some kids who aren’t you get fucked over — it’s a win-win-lose, which is the best-case scenario in this particular situation.

Spotting some underagers from your rival fraternity whom you can throw underneath the paddy wagon is what you’re looking for here, but, if need be, underagers from your own fraternity will get the job done, too. It’s a dick move, sure, but desperate times call for douchebag measures. Bar raids are an every-man-for-himself scenario where only the lucky and those willing to do the unspeakable make it out alive.

DEFINITELY DON’T run to the bathroom or for an exit.

This is the most amateur move in the book. Who do you think the cops are gonna look for when they enter the bar, the dude who is acting like he’s in a fucking bar, or the frantic guy with the patchy beard who is sprinting through the crowd like Charlie Bucket after finding a golden ticket? When you see police in the bar, take on the mentality Bacon did at the Super Bowl and that I take on when I go behind the counter at Chipotle and start making myself a burrito with quintuple barbacoa — act like you’re supposed to be there.

Side note: some people also think it’s against the law for police to go into bathrooms during raids. This is also false. But, if it’s the kind of bathroom that has standalone toilets and no stalls, taking a very public (yet legal!) shit is a pretty handy way to make sure no cops go near you.

DEFINITELY DO pretend that you work at the bar.

This is a technique of my own invention that, to my knowledge, has never been attempted. However, from a strictly logical standpoint, I can almost guarantee it would work. It’s simple: all you have to do is buy a shirt from every bar that you frequent (something you probably have already drunkenly done at most of your haunts) and wear it as an undershirt every time you go there. If you see that the bar is being raided, you rip off your overshirt, start collecting pitchers and empties from tables, and act like you’re pissed that you’re working that night instead of going out drinking with your friends — all of this in an (almost assuredly successful) attempt to convince the raiding cops that you’re an employee at the bar, meaning your underage status does not matter and thus you are not someone who needs to be IDed.

Mind blown? Mind blown. That’s why I’m the king. Enjoy your illegal activities, you heathens..