Posted 07 December 2016 - 03:41 PM

Dear Muah Chee,Do you remember the day I saw you in the pet shop? You looked so clueless and gentle, I knew right away we would get along just fine. So, I bought your cage, food, bedding and other necessities, handpicked you off the display cabinet and placed you in the cage. I know for a fact that the cage we bought was too small for you, but it was only temporary, as we did get a bigger cage for you in due time. I still remember you cried a little when you entered the cage, I found the reaction rather adorable, but knew that you're nervous, so I comforted you with baby talk, and it worked! Perhaps you were worried that your new friend, me, was unable to love you, but our time together should have proven otherwise.For our first few months together, I was unemployed, so I spent each day picking up your poop and changing your food, you're a real poop machine you know that? But as time went by, I gave in to laziness, or perhaps it was my depression... I failed to adhere to the routine, but even so, you didn't seem to blame me... That's very forgiving of you, I'm truly ashamed.Remember how you would climb up my dad's hand but not mine? I will admit I got rather jealous, slapping your little butt playfully for ignoring me. But that's alright, you would still take treats from me on a daily basis back when I was unemployed, after I begun working, the time we spent together diminished... I would still take you out of your cage when I got home from work, carry you like a baby, stroke your back, let you run around on the sofa, snuggle with you, kiss your little hamster lips... But that's not enough... I wish we could spend more time together, then again the internet says that hamsters don't like being handled too much, so I suppose you had ample alone time while I was not around?Two weeks after I brought you home, I did something that in hindsight, was downright horrible. I put you in a hamstet ball, and thought from my perspective that I would love a good spin like those teacup rides in theme parks... So I did, I spun you round and round. It was after my mum pointed out that it was cruelty, that I stopped, searched about it online, and apologized profusely to you. Once again, you should have bitten me, but you did not... Was it forgiveness or cluelessness? I'd like to think it was the former. I'll say it again, Muah Chee, I'm truly truly sorry...Remember how on weekends, I would feed you rice, bread and fruits? You ate them like a glutton! What you couldn't finish, you stuffed into your cheek pouches, looking like a beefed up bodybuilder. Then I would let you run around the house, there were times when you ran into one of those holes beneath the sink, given that we live in a high rise building, you could've dropped all the way down the drainage! But I knew your weakness, food, so I left your favorite sunflower seeds outside that hole, and like the little glutton you are, you came out! For punishment, I slapped your butt lightly, but the internet says hamsters don't learn from punishments...Muah Chee... You were loved by everyone in back home, my mum, dad and I, even my aunts from next door loves you, that's how precious you are to us! When you fall ill two weeks ago, we were at a lost of what to do. When we were playing, I flipped you around and tickled you, only to discover a lump on your neck. I should've acted right away but... Perhaps it was laziness? I don't know, but we waited 3 days before bringing you to the vet. The vet gave you antibiotics and pain killers, diagnosed your lump as hematoma with a chance of cancer underneath, as for your breathing difficulty, it could be caused by that lump... Or it could be second hand smoke thanks to my dad ( you, dad). We brought you home and fed you your medicine, you were slightly reluctant, but after some baby talk, you complied. That night, after the visit, you began pooping blood... I searched online for the causes and most of the sources pointed to infection, and the antibiotics prescribed would suffice.You were in pain during the last week of your life, I could tell from the way you slept sideways, eyes opened, staring at me as if you were pleading for help... But I was powerless... Useless... I didn't know how to help... All I did was stroke your head and whisper 'you'll be alright'.Then, your second visit came, who would've known it was your last too? I was hopeful when the vet mentioned that your symptoms were looking better, you even put on a little bit of weight! During your last visit, he said you were underweight, I was glad you were beginning to eat well. As we were talking about your condition and how we were to extract part of your lump for further analysis, you tipped over the weighing bowl and fell. My instinct kicked in and I caught you right after the bowl toppled, that split second of relief turned into dread, my heart ran cold and skipped a beat when you went limp on my hands. The vet rushed you to the resuscitation room in hopes of saving you, after 10 minutes, the nurse came out with bad news, asking if I'd like the vet to continue trying, you bet I pleaded for them to save you... But the second time the nurse came out to usher me into the room... I knew things were bad.Lying on the upturned bowl, was you, slumped on your side, eyes opened, motionless. I listened to the vet explain that you most likely passed away due to the shock you experienced when the bowl tipped. We also talked about other causes of your condition, such as how we failed to change your food bowl daily, and we only changed your bedding twice a month, and how we didn't give you the means to grind your teeth... All this while, I looked at your lifeless body, no words could express how sorry I am for neglecting your welfare...Perhaps you were right to cry when we first bought you... Right now as I'm writing this to you, I wonder, if it was even true when I said I love you? I want to believe that I do, because I know for sure, I can't love you more... But my ignorance had cost you months of potential lifespan. Blame me, hate me, bite me even, and as a ghost, haunt me... Please, Muah Chee, I don't know how to make it up to you...As you lay still in the cardboard box that is your coffin, I kept stroking your head, whispering words of affection, hoping beyond hope that you will hear them... I've always been a stingy, thrifty person... But for you, any amount of money is worth it as long as you're healthy... Guess it's all too late now.Days after your passing, I cried whenever I browsed my phone for your photos and videos. The way you eat, the way you hold your treats, the way you sleep, the way you run around waddling your butt, the way you'd stand to investigate your surrounding, the way you try to squeeze into holes around the house... All those memories made me wish we could make more of them. 3 days after you passed, I went to collect your ashes, on the way home on public transport, I tried my best not to cry as I stroke your urn. Once we reached home, I held you as we watched a tribute I made you for, each photo and video caused tears to fall. I would hold your urn in one hand and stroke the screen with the other... No matter how many times I watched it, I can't help but to give in to the waterworks. It's been 5 days now, and I'd still call for you as if you were alive, watch an imaginary version of you run around in your cage, and stroke an invisible version of you on my lap...3 days ago, during a visit to my psychiatrist, I sniffed the air and to my surprise, I detected your scent, was it really you? Or was I hallucinating..? I hope it's the former. 18 months is too short a time for your kind...I can't say this enough... I'm so so sorry... For my ignorance... And that I love you very much... Muah Chee... You mean a lot to me... I really wish we could start all over again... I wish I could hug you in my arms and never let go... I'm really sorry... I didn't give you the best that I've got... Once again, I wonder, if I can truly say I love you...... Your buddy,NaturesVoid.

Edited by NaturesVoid, 07 December 2016 - 05:12 PM.