On Tuesday, an undercover police officer posing as a doughnut seller was attacked by a violent gang of doughnut vendors in Thessaloniki, Greece. Police glazed over investigation details and failed to report how many of the gang’s threats included the word “dunkin.” I’m estimating a dozen. Could gang life be any cruller? On the hole, the answer is “no.” One by one, police frittered the ruthless gang, iced their victory, and cited the criminals for blackmail and fraud. The outlaws were also charged with food safety violations after police found they stashed doughnuts in a large abandoned hotel that bathers used as a toilet. The giant facility is known on the streets of Thessaloniki as the “long john.”

Final score: Greek Police-1 Doughnut Gang- bageled.

Life in Greece certainly hasn’t been creme filled. After an embarrassing bankruptcy, Greece continues to be the funniest thing since humans believed a chariot pulled the sun across the sky. The doughnut gang? Really? You let that get out? Your ideas have really gone downhill since you invented fraternities. I let the bankruptcy thing slide (a little) because I understand that its difficult to run a country when you’re constantly a keg away from a toga party. But seriously, you should have kept the doughnut thing on the down-low. Sing it with me Greece: “A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now…”

Heres hoping your next doughnut isn’t filled with Trojans.

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