It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup – let’s take a look at some new releases!

Blackpink – Kill This love

Pretty much just “Ddu Du Ddu Du” with trombones and even more awkward rapping, until one of Teddy’s typical end-of-song tangents arrives and threatens to take the song somewhere fresh and cool, but then he says “fuck it” and ends the song instead. If they developed that end section for another couple of minutes they could have had something very cool, but they didn’t, so they don’t.

Momoland – Banana Chacha

It’s a little bit painful… well okay, it fucking sucks actually – but I’m enjoying Momoland being forced to break their recent formula for some advert or whatever. We might get another “Wonderful Love” if they keep this up. This song isn’t it, though.

IZ*ONE – Violeta

Competent but basically uninteresting, I’m still not really getting the hype around IZ*ONE.

BOL4 – Bom

Oh come on, put away your cupid cheat mode and give the guitar player a shot at happiness geez. You’re already the hotter one, there’s no need to make the playing field even more uneven.

BOL4 – Stars Over Me

BOL4’s singer looks how their music sounds. She’s one of those girls who is nice in that cozy undemanding way, she might not wear the best clothes or make your male friends jealous but she’s low maintenance and would probably laugh instead of complain if you accidentally got jizz in her eye.

Block B Bastarz – From Seoul

One reasonable jazz guitar riff does not a song make.

Jung Dae Hyun – You’re My

The usual ballad bullshit. A good song to play “what part in the ballad comes next” drinking games with.

MC Sniper ft. Rachel Yamagata – An Overnight Flight

Come on dude. You’re better than this, you know it and we all know it. Nobody wants a song like this from an MC Sniper album, get your shit together.

Minhyun – Universe

A reasonable chorus but it takes a while to get there and the road is paved with musical valium.

Lee Gikwang & 1Million ft. Jiselle – Lonely

Some quality choreo is the only thing worth watching this for.

Double K & V-Hawk – Zombie

A very promising intro and then it’s just some trap garbage, what a massive let-down.

Astro – Hanasake Mirai

Disorienting key changes that make no sense take the edge off a song that is otherwise pretty good.

Blackpink – Don’t Know What To Do

It takes a full minute to pick the crusties out of its own ass and get moving, but once it does it’s a better song than their feature.

Shafla – You’ve Changed

The T-ara ballad returns! This is almost more like a T-ara ballad than actual T-ara ballads were.

Youngest – Can’t Nobody

This kids’ stuff goes harder than 99% of Korean hip-hop. Not even joking.

Girl Crush – Memories

Meanwhile these adults are going soft musically, but visually full-adult. As predicted by Kpopalypse, the sexy is returning to k-pop.

Kang Xiwon – Click Click

Eh.

Alike – Real Love

No MV for this ultra nugu song and it’s probably just as well most people won’t get to hear this.

Son A Reum – Let You Go

Why is she wobbling back and forth, what’s happening there. Is she trying to stay upright in a stiff breeze, or does she have some kind of mental condition, or perhaps the camera guy is just shit… I don’t know but thinking about this was more interesting than thinking about the song.

Son A Reum – Lazy

Yeah nah this is even worse.

Jhnovr ft. Gun, King Sushi – Slot Machine

This makes every other boring trap song sound good.

Junsik Kim – Daily

Maybe he’s singing about how every day in Korea a new shit ballad like this one is released.

Nuz ft. Kim Oki – Real Time

Not much of a song but I was just impressed that there is a road somewhere in Korea where there isn’t a car driving down it every two seconds.

E Z Hyoung – Spring Step

Well at least it’s quick. Also that moonwalk the girl does at two minutes in, your bias could never.

Shin Wonho – Time

I assume it’s not that Wonho because the lack of mobile phone video games.

Gun – Aquarium

I refuse to type his name with the hashtag because I don’t want my fucking blog turning up in some NRA search.

J Tong – Oh Jick Jick Jin

It’s totally like that when you’re doing some crazy unauthorised traffic shit for a video and then the cops happen to be there.

Ellie Goulding, Diplo & Red Velvet – Close To Me (Red Velvet remix)

I’ll put this in here so people stop asking me about it, but don’t think that I give a fuck about this shitty song for one fucking second.

UV ft. Joon Park – Fine Dust

Lacks Dong.

Tokyo Girl – Tell Me A Cold Farewell

Lacks everything.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Top 25 MALE K-Pop Songs That Make You Thirsty – Your Votes Decided!

Kpopalypse is all about being inclusive and creating a site that all caonimas can enjoy, so I thought that after reading my IU bukkake fanfiction you’d all enjoy some thirst from the opposite end of the spectrum. This is actually a pretty cool video and I like the complete lack of shame it exhibits. Despite what many religions around the world fraudulently insist, sex and sexuality isn’t a shameful thing or something to be hidden – and imaginary sex with your man-meat of choice is some of the safest sex you can ever have, as long as you don’t take it a step too far and book that sasaeng taxi.

That’s all for this week’s roundup – Kpopalypse will return next week with more new songs!