Western culture isn’t going to end with a whimper, nor with a bang — but rather just a lack of fruitful bangs and Big Brother and Sister pleading with citizens to change that.

Let’s begin in Cuba, where federally run “love motels” (i.e., affordable rooms for fornicating) have sprung up throughout the state due to the fact that public sex in public parks is getting out of hand. The country’s continued housing crisis means multiple generations sleep under the same roof, while divorced duos can’t afford to not continue living together.

The un-Hemingway-sounding “Provincial Housing Company of Havana” told it’s official trade union weekly: "To think about how to diversify options for love is not farfetched, we want to revive this service that is in high demand, has a big social impact and without a doubt is very profitable."

This is all due to the fact that, by 2025, Cuba's population is projected to decrease by some 1 million residents thanks to low fertility and birth rates.

The island isn’t alone here. Witness other nations’ witless attempts at the opposite-of-population-control…

Singapore

Five years ago, Singaporeans were treated to a local advertisement as part of the government’s $1.3 billion push to urge them to have unprotected sex in the interest of upping the birth rate from just1.2 brats per baby mama. (The last time it was above the replacement rate of about 2.1 was in 1976.) Here’s how this puerile bit of populist bit of rap-pop went down: “I’m a patriotic husband, you my patriotic wife, lemme book into ya camp and manufacture life.” And the after-the-song addendum? “Only financially secure adults in stable, committed, long-term relationships should participate.” Shockingly? It didn't work.

Russia

“Soviet power is a myth, it's nothing but painted rust. But you need to keep the Russian myth alive to maintain your military industrial complex. Your system depends on Russia being perceived as a mortal threat. It will never be a threat. It's a rotted, bloated cow.”

A memorable line in the otherwise forgettable flick, The Good Shepherd , with the solid crux behind it being this: Russians have as much social mobility as they do senses of humor. Which is to say, none whatsoever.

Eastern Europe’s barren bellied boil, which just happens to be blessed with the negotiable gem that is nukes, has seen a population decline of up to 700,000 less people per year since the breakup of the Soviet Union. In an attempt to put the “mother” back in motherland, the government began doling out what it usually takes in: bribes.

Since 2007, an array of cash prizes have been bestowed upon families who deliver a second, or third, child. A special medal – the Order of Parental Glory – awards couples with seven or more Ruble makers (biological or adopted) with an invitation to the Kremlin, where they receive said medal from President Putin himself.

Although, a more sober observer might counter that the maternity money would be better spent on rehab facilities, rather than political push presents. A recent study found that 25% of Russian men die before they turn 55, with most deaths directly attributed to awful amounts of alcohol. Note to Putin: Vodka kills even more boners than it does ex-Bolsheviks.

Denmark

In 2014, a slew of saucy Scandinavians came up with an advertisement that would’ve made even Don Draper blush. In an effort to counteract not-so-great Danes’ reduced reproduction (to the tune of a 27-year-low birth rate), Spies Travel unzipped the following campaign: “Do It For Denmark”.

The ad team claimed that their boring brethren had 46 percent more sex on vacation, with 10 percent of all Danish children actually being made on said holidays. The firm added an “ovulation discount” whereupon couples that prove they conceived during one of their place-hopping packages win regular supplies of baby gear for well over a year.

As for how this evidence was offered? The author applies America’s former military policy to Denmark’s current maternity policy: I didn’t ask and they didn’t tell.

Japan

Opinion: Japan’s people are weird. Fact: Japan’s people ain’t well. Indeed their males have been committing Hari Kari on their hard-ons along the lines of a 127 million population set to decline by nearly 40 million in less than 50 years.

Even more hilarious (sorry, I meant “serious”): According to a new study, nearly a third of their citizenry are entering their 30s without any sexual experience. So-called “men” stated that they "find women scary" and the poll found that around 31% of people, aged 18 to 34, claim to be virgins.

When one woman was asked why 64% of her peers were not in relationships, she replied that the opposite sex “couldn’t be bothered” thanks to the Rising Sun’s sons pregnancy-lowering addiction to porn.

Japan’s resulting labor crisis might better be solved via the country opening their hearts, rather than their legs, (of the 10,901 refugees who applied for political asylum in 2016, the notoriously homogenous culture accepted less than 1 percent of seekers).

But the Japanese went another way: robot babies.

Last year, engineers at Toyota launched “Kirobo Mini”, i.e., an A.I. infant that mimics babyish behaviors so as to promote a human response within the prudish purchaser. The hope being that by playing with the plastic toys, they’ll dispense with putting plastic over their boys.