ROCHESTER, MN – The Mayo Clinic recently held a campus-wide party this weekend full of “Number 1” balloons and cakes that said “Mayo #1”. These were held after Cleveland Clinic promoted anti-vaccination (or anti-vax). Dr. Daniel Neides, a medical director at Cleveland Clinic, went on a rant against the flu vaccine, and in a way, all vaccines. It was almost as if he was being possessed by the late Dr. Wakefield. He states that the harder to pronounce and scarier looking names are bad for you, for example, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO).

“Well it’s official, we are the number one health care system in America!” CEO and President John H. Noseworthy M.D., told reporters. “Cleveland Clinic really gave up on evidence-based medicine. That’s only good news for us! Is that place only run by shamen now?”

“It was close there for a while,” he went on holding his celebratory appletini. “Some years [Mayo Clinic] was on top while others Cleveland Clinic pulled ahead. Now it’s not even a race. See ya!”

Others couldn’t hold back their excitement with their new status of #1. “You know how you hope for the other team’s quarterback to throw an interception?” Dr. Jennifer Gibbons a top Medical Directer at Mayo told reporters. “Well their quarterback, gave the ball to our team, beat up the referee, and was ejected from the game!”

Most experts now agree Cleveland Clinic took all science, and threw it out the window. They dropped off the JAMA and U.S. News & World Report Hospital Power Rankings Top 100. “Why would you trust Cleveland Clinic to treat any disease if they just follow the latest fear-mongering blog?” Howard Bauchner, the editor of JAMA stated. “I’d go to Mayo or Johns Hopkins for my money.”

“What?!? Johns Hopkins?” Dr. Noseworthy said when asked where he thought Mayo matched up. “Wow, totally forgot about Johns Hopkins, I guess the best we can hope for is a divorce and Janes Hopkins takes half of everything.”