LONDON – Swiftly following the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s first child, Buckingham Palace spokespeople confirmed that he has already achieved all goals, objectives, and purposes expected of him for the rest of his life.

“The mere fact of his birth is all we could have asked for and now he can just coast without ever having to perform to anyone’s expectations whatsoever,” stated Chauncey Finthrop, communications advisor to the royal couple. “What a truly astonishing feat from someone only a few hours old!”

With no practical prospect of ascending to the throne, experts confirm that the new lump of royal genes could simply remain in a totally motionless state, in the exact same location he is currently in, until his natural death 80 plus years hence, and he would still meet all requirements imposed upon him by his family and society. Indeed, historical sources indicate that this was the exact life strategy pursued by Duke Francis of Shropshire, 18th in line to the throne during the reign of King George V.

“It doesn’t seem like a lot, but emerging as a fully formed human from Meghan Markle’s vagina is something relatively few people can claim to have accomplished,” continued Finthrop, “so it’s also an objectively impressive task.”

Oh and his name is Archie or something like that, if that matters at all,” he added.

When asked to rank the importance of the little prince’s triumphs, royal scholars listed being born as first, with being male as a close second. No other items were deemed necessary to list.

“What will he do next? Who cares. He exists! Hooray!,” advised a disturbingly high number of the populace of the United Kingdom.

In response to the news, Prince Archie has privately decided to spit up, poop himself, and begin plotting the demise of six specific relatives.