I am black and I hate black people, I am not sure why but maybe you all can help me out.

These are a few of the reason as to why I think I hate my own kind

1) my parents abandoned me when I was a toddler

2) My parents never got married or made the effort to care for me, instead they broke up and slept around with other people

3) I lived with relatives who abused me, i also moved 10 times before the age of 18

4) because of all the moving I never made friends and I became antisocial, I also have personality disorders because I was always in fear that my uncle would rape me again.

3) I have 3 half siblings that my mother made and 2 half siblings dad my dad made. We all have different last names and I only met two of them so far....and I am 21

3) This made me afraid to have a relationship with a black woman or have a back family, hence the reason I date women of other races

4) My mom and dad NEVER call me and they dont care if I am live or dead

5) I feel so ashamed whenever I have to explain to someone why I have no pictures of my family

6) I also feel depressed when everyone goes home for spring break and I have to stay on dorm

7) I feel stupid when filling out a background check application because I dont know where my mother or father lives because they dont tell me.

8) I was actually denied a secret clearance when I tried to join the Army because my past was so confusing that a background check would take years. I think the fact that all my siblings had different last names and I moved over 10 times made me look like a big joke or low life.

So basically my black parents caused me a lot of hell. Jobs that require background checks are impossible for me to get, hell I am confused about my own background. I face constant embarrassment and I always find myself making up lies when talking to people about my family. How do you explain to someone that your mother was your father's f*ck buddy and he split when she got pregnant? I am sure you would be embarrassed to.

I dont really think I hate black people, I think I am more afraid of them. I believe my past scares me and I stray away from black people because I never wanna go back that lifestyle. Of course I know not all black people like this but seriously, how many black families do you see when you go to the mall or park? I dont see much, so I know something is wrong with black people and long term relationships. I also had bad experiences such as being robbed by blacks, blacks making fun of my clothing because I was poor, black women not liking me because I had no money or 'swag'..etc.

All I want in life is a descent wife and a family without all the drama that I was forced to go through as a kid, do you think I can get this with a black women or do you think I should continue dating outside of my race?