If your birthday is this week: You discover that no one wants to eat your world-record sized hot dog, mostly because you have to leave a large portion of it on the ground as you cook it a section at a time.

Aries: You show up to work on Labor Day by mistake, which will be hilarious news for a coworker. Now who’s a moron for burying a Dilbert calendar for their desk?

Taurus: You’ll get laid at Dragon Con. Of course, everyone will.

Gemini: Turns out, that “genie” you freed was just a blue-skinned convict. All your wish-loot is stolen.

Lemini: You, like most of America, still won’t have a job next week. But unlike the rest of America, it’s mainly because you smell like shit and hot sauce mixed together.

Cancer: The stars say, stop gambling. You’re really bad at it. No one else has ever lost $14,000 playing Solitaire.

Leo: This week your life will be full of fun, adventure and good times. Nah. Just joshin’ ya. You’ll still have the same shitty life.

Virgo: It’s okay to screw over your co-worker at work. Turns out, you’re going to Hell either way.

Libra: Turns out, your dog has been eating your cookies, not your roommate. Stealing from his wallet wasn’t totally pointless, turns out he is screwing your girlfriend.

Scorpio: Your orgy at Dragon Con will get out of hand and spill into the street. Fortunately, no one notices.

Sagittarius: Your porn screenplay will be rejected. Mainly because of its September 11th theme and lack of sex.

Capricorn: You will be invited to a secret island to fight to the death for the secret of immortality. Sadly, you’re working that weekend.

Aquarius: You find out the frat brothers that left you naked at the bottom of a porta-potty, don’t actually go to your school. They do lawn maintenance on your campus.

Pisces: Your pizza man will arrive on time, but he’ll criticize your wardrobe.