Eli Manning and Nick Foles are better quarterbacks than Tom Brady. We know that for sure now.

There is no New England Patriots dynasty. There never was. It was built on a mountain of lies and discarded videotapes of others teams practicing. We always felt it somewhere deep in our bones but couldn’t prove it until now. We finally know for sure that the Patriots were good, but never that good.

How can a team be a dynasty when it lost to Eli Manning twice and a guy who considered quitting football two years ago? How can a team be a dynasty when it’s 5-3 in Super Bowls? That’s basically a coin flip. When a team is cheating, winning five of eight isn’t impressive at all. If the Patriots weren’t cheating, what’s their record in Super Bowls? Like, 0-3? Fuck the Patriots. The Eagles winning is vindication.

The Patriots have played eight Super Bowls with Brady and are plus-5 in point differential, and some of that is only because new overtime rules required the Patriots to score a touchdown in overtime against the Falcons last year. This “dynasty” is so hollow it should be filled with candy and hit with sticks by blindfolded children.

Let’s look at the three Super Bowls involving the Eagles and the Giants. In all three cases, the Patriots were leading, but Manning and Foles led game-winning drives. When Brady got the ball back, he couldn’t get it done. When things aren't set up perfectly for him—balls deflated to the level he likes, referees calling penalties, the other team’s signals stolen—you’d rather have someone like Jimmy Garropolo, but the Patriots refused to move on from Brady this season and traded their backup away.

The Patriots are shit-eating cheaters that won their five Super Bowls based on obvious things:

Super Bowl XXXVI: The cheating of the Rams Super Bowl, the improbable win that became more probable because the Patriots videotaped the Rams.

The cheating of the Rams Super Bowl, the improbable win that became more probable because the Patriots videotaped the Rams. Super Bowl XXXVIII: Wow, beating a Panthers team that missed two two-point conversions and all it took was a last-second field goal by Adam Vinatieri. You know who else beat Jake Delhomme that year? Tony Banks. Wow. Brady is the GOAT!

Wow, beating a Panthers team that missed two two-point conversions and all it took was a last-second field goal by Adam Vinatieri. You know who else beat Jake Delhomme that year? Tony Banks. Wow. Brady is the GOAT! Super Bowl XXXIX: The other team’s coach was Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb puked during the game. Winning by three should count as a loss.

The other team’s coach was Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb puked during the game. Winning by three should count as a loss. Super Bowl XLIX: The only reason the Patriots beat a coach who believes Instagram videos prove a 9/11 conspiracy is that said coach called for a pass on the goal line with one of the greatest running backs in history. Yeah, great job.

The only reason the Patriots beat a coach who believes Instagram videos prove a 9/11 conspiracy is that said coach called for a pass on the goal line with one of the greatest running backs in history. Yeah, great job. Super Bowl LI: Thanks to the greatest choke of all time, the Patriots beat the Falcons.

It’s only because of sheer luck the Patriots aren’t 0-8 in Super Bowls, and yet you want me to believe a quarterback who drinks bean juice, sleeps in magic pajamas, and is barely above .500 even with the benefit of winning (at least) two titles thanks to cheating that wasn’t punished until after it happened is the best of all time.

The Patriots have benefited from playing in a shitty division and a league that enabled their shadiness for two decades and still only went 5-3 in Super Bowls. Imagine playing one-on-one basketball on a three-foot rim with your 11-year-old son while doing everything possible to let him win. If your son went 5-3, would you consider him the greatest of all time or yourself the worst basketball player of all time?

Brady is a 40-year-old, vacant-brained dipshit who supported a white supremacist for president and spends his downtime trying to sell magic potion to people who don’t know any better. If anyone in the mainstream media had any balls, they’d call him out for being the scumbag idiot he is. Fuck him and the asshole owner who let Jimmy Garropolo go to the 49ers for peanuts. The Patriots will eat shit for decades, and the rest of us should prepare to enjoy every second of it because we’ve earned it.

I’m a Giants fan. I hate the Eagles and the Patriots more than anything. I didn’t know what to feel before the game. It truly wasn’t until the immobile old man, who had already dropped a pass, fumbled in the fourth quarter that I knew in my heart that I wanted the Eagles to win. I grew up hating the Eagles and learned to hate the Patriots, but I discovered during Super Bowl LII that I hate the Patriots more than anything. It was sort of reassuring.

By the way, if any Patriots receiver had dropped the pass that Brady dropped, what would Brady have done? Screamed at him on the sideline? Punched him in the face? Broke an iPad over his skull? Seeing Brady fuck up like that and not be able to bitch at himself the way he has at wide receivers was the most satisfying part of the Patriots shitting their pants against a backup quarterback.

5-3 in eight games over 17 years isn’t a dynasty; it’s a somewhat lucky result of eight coin flips. That’s not even an impressive blackjack record over eight hands, especially if you’re counting cards the way the Patriots do.