In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria.

Nick Clegg: “As I travel up and down the country talking to ordinary people I’ve often been struck by how important pancakes are to them. And yes, I still believe that more people should have access to pancakes but while I used to believe that those pancakes should be free I’m now fully committed to the idea that charging at least £3,000 per pancake is fair, justified and what’s right for Britain.”

George Osborne: “If I have ten pancakes then I give twelve of them to my chums in the City who also bill me for the ingredients then that money is siphoned off to a company registered in Luxembourg and…oh look it’s perfectly simple. There are billions upon billions of pancakes but if they are shared out then very important people in the City will leave the UK and move to countries that let them eat them all. And where would we be without bankers? Exactly. I rest my case.”

Iain Duncan Smith: “The previous government were far too generous with their pancakes, this is the mess the Coalition has inherited and that I am putting right. I will not tolerate people simply being handed a pancake when they can be made to work for one. The comatose, the highly vulnerable and the dead have all been assessed by Atos as fit to make their own pancakes and I stand by those decisions. Pancakes are not a right, they are not a safety net and if you claim any form of benefit they are not for you. Pancakes are for shrivers not shirkers.”

David Cameron: “Anyone named Boris or Johnson gets all up in my pancake business then bitch gonna bleed.”

A Number Ten insider said that the Coalition Pancake Toss is expected to become an annual tradition and that the government will hold a referendum on whether savoury or sweet is best sometime in 2017.

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