Ears: Abnormally big. Pointy. All the better to hear you with, my dear.

Tail: Fluffy. Or sometimes, there's no tail at all. If tail, it drags on the ground, almost. (See: body.)

Body: A corgi is not svelte. A corgi is not even, perhaps, in admirable shape. A corgi has a long, weird body, topped with that uncle-like head. Its chest puffs out, like a small man who's worked out too aggressively on his pecs and forsaken his lower half. When a corgi is running, a corgi's belly often hefts to and fro, ungainly. This is amusing, but is it cause for reverence, or corgi-worship? We think not. Further: A corgi's low stature was to keep it from getting kicked by cows it herded, a metaphor with some deep Internet ramifications, we think—they performed their duties "by nipping at the heels."

Legs: Oh, lord, this is where things get really messed up. The legs... Why are they so little, like tiny stumps, like the bound feet of women in a less empowered society, like something one could barely walk on, much less rely upon to break into a joyous, slobbery trot? Why are we promoting, even celebrating, the apparent deformities of these dogs!? This is a kind of fetishism! Internet, you are sick.

Tongue: Sticks out. Pink.

Behavior: Energetic. [Sic, all]: "It is quite difficult to ask a corgi to perform work in which he does not want to do. To please an energetic corgi by confining him in a small space may be unpleasant to him, similar to a calm, laid back dog finds it hard to pick a thrown Frisbee." To wit: the corgi likes to work at home in his pajamas.

Personality: "Several folks have suggested that their dogs have a tendency toward something called megalomania." Also: "Corgis not only collect stuffed animals, they also kill and disembowel them."

Prone to: Progressive retinal atrophy. Stop blogging so much, corgi!

Provenance: "Welsh folklore says the corgi is the preferred mount of fairy warriors. There is also a folk legend that says corgis were a gift from the woodland fairies, and that the breed's markings were left on its coat by fairy harnesses and saddles." Er, OK.

Celebrity status: Queen Elizabeth surrounds herself with them. Sometimes they have rage issues.

So, why does the Internet love a corgi so? According to Scott Lamb, Buzzfeed's managing editor, "They're happy little doggy-dwarves who are always smiling. They're sort of demented and funny-looking in a way but then also really cute, and they don't care, they're always optimistic." Translation: The Internet so loves a corgi because the Internet, in essence, IS a corgi.

Note: "It is important to socialize this breed with other animals, adults and children when they are very young to avoid any anti-social behavior or aggression later in life." Noted.

Image via Shutterstock by Steamroller_blues.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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