In a stimulating discussion of love songs and Super Smash Bros. (we have a crew battle tomorrow), my friend brought up a sensitive topic: the Friend Zone. The mere fact that you are reading this post reveals that you have been trapped at least once in the Friend Zone’s formidably misleading obstacles — a seemingly endless series of mind games and mind fucks. But for the more fortunate portion of us, allow me to shed some light onto the darkness that is the Friend Zone.

The Friend Zone is what happens when you forget to let a female know that (1) you indeed have a penis and that (2) you do indeed want to stick it inside of her. Escaping the Friend Zone is a remarkable feat. Being trapped in the zone is the equivalent of being a gay BFF or, perhaps worse, being “like a brother to me!” In the Friend Zone, you listen to her problems, you remind her constantly that she’s beautiful, and you treat her like a queen — because she deserves it. Basically, being in the Friend Zone is kind of like being in a relationship, except you don’t get any pussy. I’ll expand this description in a later post.

Much to partial disbelief, there are varying degrees of one’s position in the Friend Zone. And yes, this means that you may have a better chance at escaping the zone than your competitors. I’ve decided to begin my series with an explanation of these different stages. I now present to you, the Friend Zone Scale.



Stage I: GL HF

This is by far the most difficult stage to be in. In fact, she may be unaware of your penis. Incidentally, she may be hanging off of someone else’s nuts right now. You have two choices from here: get over her or stop acting like a pussy. You have probably known her for far too long and she simply can’t see past the history of you acting like a pussy after all of those years/months/weeks/days.

You bake or cook together. Fully-clothed.

She told her parents that you’re gay.

Stage II: You’re an older brother to her

It seems that she may be using you for emotional support. She probably just got out of a relationship or is pursuing a guy who is not paying attention to her, and she needs verification that she has self-worth. That verification is you. Think of it this way: I wouldn’t suggest getting into a relationship with someone who clearly wants a relationship with someone else.

She begged you to watch He’s Just Not That Into You with her and then cried about it because it reminded her of her ex.

She’s “not ready for a relationship.”

Stage III: She enjoys your company

It’s clear that you and her have had hours of conversations, both online and offline. A relationship with you has probably crossed her mind a few times. You’re teetering on the border of getting into the deep abyss of the Friend Zone and peeking towards the light. Hang in there.

You went to the Farmer’s Market with her to buy organic apricots.

You’ve slept in the same room together — and you were on the floor.

Stage IV: Her friends know about you

She thinks you’d be a good boyfriend. However, she is probably hesitating to pull you out of the Friend Zone because she doesn’t want things to be “awkward.” She genuinely values the friendship that you two share and thinks that you’re a genuinely caring guy.

She gives you wake-up calls

She has put make-up on you

Stage V: She has thought about your dick

Listen, she’s waiting for you to make a move. If not, she’s waiting for you to respond to her moves. Beware of these examples, however, for they could possibly be well-disguised instances of lower stages. What does she like to talk about? Is she mentioning her ex-boyfriend far too often? Is she complimenting your V-neck from American Apparel? Is she asking you questions that could possibly give you a boner should she whisper them in your ear? This is make or break, son.

You bake or cook together. Scantily clad.

You’ve slept in the same room together — and cuddled.

Stage VI: ESCAPE FRIEND ZONE NOW!

You’ve gotten physical, buddy, and it’s more than just holding hands. Everyone agrees – she’s into you. However, you genuinely don’t know what to do.

She doesn’t recall making out with you when she was drunk (or pretending to be drunk).

She sensually touches your ears, back, arms, neck or knees.

And now the question begs: HOW TO ESCAPE STAGE X? I hate to be a tease, but more information will be available in my next post, seeing as how I’m still in a towel and I’m late for that thing I need to be at. Yes, I’m in a towel.

As a female in a unique position of being non-ugly with boyish interests, I have had the unfortunate opportunity of friend-zoning many, many, many men. The good news, however, is that I can now pass valuable female-perspective information onto you. Incidentally, this is merely part one to an x-part series of the Friend Zone Dilemma.