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My visa is finally denied, knock-off legos, Mortal Kuckbat 11, a guy pees on a midget, the mirrors in my house are all a forehead too high, the mushroom cosplay cult, the problems with being innocent, Nick Rackets calls in about Vic Lasagna, addictive butt tattoos, Andrew from Eugene Oregon’s wife’s bikini contest, the cellophane freshness tops on yogurt that women don’t throw away, environmental sensibilities, Asterios updates his pronouns, and where not to go during a mass shooting; all that and more this week on The Dick show!

Nick Rackets is the #1 name in late night. Five days a week, Monday through Friday, Nick Rekieta is on his YouTube Station single-handedly destroying the forces of evil and womanliness in their never-ending jihad against happiness, success, and manly qualities. I’m talking about the Vic Lasagna lawsuit, but also much, much more. Subscribe to it and hit the bell and check it out if you’re around. It’s a great nightly show with some soy-based dumb fucks really watching their life flash before their eyes–in a way that only a triple mastery of the powers of law, showmanship, and Jesus can bring to you, but first…

Cregos. The crummy, knock-off Legos that cock their way into every child’s box of spare parts and ruin them. An annoyance in another age at the ignorance and cheapness and seeming illiteracy of relatives, and friend’s moms, and prize giveaways who can’t be arsed to understand the difference between something you want, and something that looks like what you want, but is actually just a cruel trick.

In the future, sometimes women’s tits will come off with their bra. Those are Crego tits.

A poison pill for that breaks the fourth wall of your imagination by making you very aware of the pathetic and masturbatory simpleness of what you’re doing–because they don’t fucking work, and no one cares if they work. Crooked blocks shit out of crooked assholes in a crooked factory run by the devil, sold to crooked idiots who eat out of a crooked trough. They’re like herpes for your real Legos, sitting permanently in the bin and in your square houses and shitty looking spaceships. Feeling like shit and looking like shit and making everything around them feel and look cheap and shitty. A slightly pronounced, delta hypnosis-ruining off-color like something in a cartoon that’s about to move. And they will one day be a rallying cry against the alt-right in Crego headlines.

Cregos are diversity and throwing them away is racist. So what if they’re a little different? So what if they don’t work? Thing don’t have to work to have value.

Yes they do.

Cregos are a turd in every punchbowl. A love interest in every action film. A molestation in every background. Cregos are the ponzi scheme gutting of your first paycheck, your first mind-numbing, teeth-pulling conversation with the girl you’ve had a crush on since forever; the mnemonic silver that .

I hate Cregos. I destroy them on sight. We can do better.

Also, I can’t wait for Mortal Kombat 12 in 2024, which will ship after they’ve hooked up the brains of teenage boys and completely removed any parts that made them feel any excitement at all. No tits, no jokes because jokes are hate symbols of the alt-right, Jade will be sixty pounds overweight and wear a big, fat Charlie Brown eyeholes in a sheet ghost costume (you can unlock Linus’ potato eyeholes in a sheet ghost costume after ten million hours of gameplay), Johnny Cage’s nose will be the size of fucking parking cone, RBG will be a day-one DLC character who doesn’t throw any punches or kicks and cannot be harmed, and the a-sexualized female lead will be voiced by the first trans-female Australian rugby player/American Idol Winner/Miss World finalist Zie Zer McXitterson. I can’t wait do dump my Crego money into this Crego game. Fuck!

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A thumbnail where the V stands for V-neck by Miss Phase.

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