There are a number of smart mattresses either coming soon or on sale now, but only one supposedly cares as much about your spouse’s cheatin’ heart as your aching back. The Smarttress, from Spanish mattress maker Durmet, claims to be an app-enabled bed that alerts you “whenever someone is using your bed in a questionable way.” It’s not April 1, right?

The mattress apparently has a “lover detection system” that consists of vibration sensors in the springs and a “contact zones detector.” If the bed starts a rockin’, you’ll get a notification on the app, which shows you a speedometer, as well as the intensity in impact per minute. (As you can see in the fairly NSFW video below.) Evidently, you can even see a visualization of where your partner is doin’ it. The bad news? Your spouse is cheating on you. The worse news? Your replacement is friskier in bed than you are.

Durmet was supposedly inspired to create the Smarttress by a survey from the French Institute of Public Opinion and dating site Gleeden that showed Spain’s high rate of infidelity.

So is there any way this is real? I had a hard time finding a website for Durmet, beyond the one for the Smarttress. Its Twitter account only has 108 followers and has been up and running since March. (I give them props for the Dexter’s Laboratory GIF, though.) The only way you can purchase the Smarttress is to send an inquiry email to Durmet, and the company will get back to you “as soon as possible.” Clicking on the buttons that should take you to the app on the Android or Apple store just redirects you to the Smarttress site (though, to be fair, the iOS app is listed as “coming soon”).

I’m not doubting that if you’re creepy as heck you could set up this smart mattress to spy on yourself, but just don’t hold your breath that you’ll be able to see the speed and enthusiasm of your own bedroom antics.

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