LAST SEEN: The Goonies saving the day.

OPENS WITH: A banner hanging in a school auditorium with loud music in the background.

“Hey, Mikey! When did you get into town?”

(They hug)

“Just this morning. I can’t stand being here any longer than I have to. It’s such a dump. Kind of makes me wonder why we wanted to save it in the first place?”

(Gives Data a playful knock on the arm)

“So, what are you up to man? Are you on Instagram? Cause if so, like my page, ok? After Notre Dame, I opened ‘Mikey’s Jewelers.’ I specialize in rare mythical rings.”

“Sure. Sure. I’ll look you up when I get home. Um, I’m actually an archeologist. I studied under a famous professor at the University of Chicago and was lucky enough to travel with him to India. Found out first—hand what our work really means to the people over there… there were these rocks, see…”

(Mikey cuts him off)

“HEY MOUTH!”

“Hey! C’mon Mikey, give me a lickery kiss!”

“So, where is the missus?”

“Stef? Ugh, everything is horrible. Parenthood. She is running on empty raising Hope. Our youngest son just came out as a gay Irishman. She smokes like 200 cigarettes a day. Her dad is awesome, but her uncles are nuts.”

“So, how’s Brand?”

“Dude needs anger management. He’s like a mad titan. Set on ruling the universe. Half of it anyway… He and Andy adopted a couple of colored girls…”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Mikey, that’s racist.”

“No, it’s not. One is blue, and the other is green. What’s worse is that he plays favorites.”

“How’s your mom?”

“Dude, she’s crazy. Certifiable. But not as crazy as Rosalita! I wonder if she’s still institutionalized?”

“Yep, still is. She tried to learn English and sue me for “emotional distress,” but the statute of limitations had run out on a 14-year-old kid translating badly.”

“Hey! You guys’ll never believe me. I just saw the most amazing thing in my entire life!

“First you gotta do the truffle shuffle.”

“It’s time for me to find tonight’s booby call.”

“It’s booty call.”

“That’s what I said! Booby call. God. These Guys!”

“Well, I don’t care what it’s called, but some lucky lady will definitely discover my One-Eye Willie!”

(Imitating Mama Fratelli) “The only thing we serve here is tongue! You boys like tongue?”

“Speaking of liking tongue, I have Sloth in a clinic upstate trying to kick the habit.”

“Drugs?”

“Nah. Rocky Road.”

THE END

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