EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands of customers who pre-ordered Anthem have some concerns, but we are confident this collection of words scrawled on a conference room board will be a revolutionary third-person shooter experience when released at the end of the week,” said director Jonathan Warner, who shared a progress update with players by sending out a screenshot of an email chain that ended with an agreement to call the game Anthem. “There were some complaints when the early-access demo was just the words ‘Hubtown [NAME],’ but rest assured we now have concept art for the javelins in the works, and someone in production has a few mission ideas listed in a notepad somewhere. After seven years in development, we guarantee the empty file folder on my laptop will be a playable game that will blow people away.” Warner added that issues raised by several reviewers would be addressed with a day-one patch containing the code for the first two hours of gameplay.

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