Just like the zombie apocalypse, the NFL lockout is a very real threat to our livelihood as sports fans. But unlike the zombie apocalypse, we will actually know the exact date of the lockout and can begin to prepare. We must stockpile weapons (learn new hobbies during the fall and winter months), gather rations (get to learn other sports), and avoid infection (symptoms include mindless surfing of CBS and FOX on Sunday mornings). Raising awareness is the first step to surviving the NFL lockout, which is why I have created a handy guide on how to stay clean and how to spot an infected fan.

How Long Can We Expect to Survive?

No matter how strong you are, ultimately everyone will succumb to the NFL lockout. Some of us may last longer than others, but by the end of the season, the infection rate will be 100%. The weakest fans will fall first and in all honesty, there might even be some among you who have been infected. The average fan will feel the first stings of the lockout by week two of the NFL season. Once infected, the epidemic will spread worldwide.

What are Symptoms to Watch Out For?

How can you know if a friend or family member is infected? One of the first signs is mindless channel surfing on Sunday mornings. Usually this time is spent watching football, with interest and happiness on the faces of fans. An infected fan, however, will have a dazed look on their face, won’t know what to do with their time, and might make some guttural noises from time to time. If you suspect that a family member is infected, steer clear – the antivirus has yet to be invented.

How Can I Increase My Chance of Survival?

You can’t. No matter how big or small of an NFL fan you are, Judgment Day is coming on Super Bowl Sunday which is the day that scientists estimate that the population will reach 100% infection. If you want to stave off the infection of the NFL lockout, you can try watching other sports. MLB Baseball should get you through October at which time the NBA season will kick off meaning you might have a chance of making it through the winter. The moment you start watching the CFL or the Arena Football League, your chances of survival are over.

What Do I Do Once Infected?

This is a pointless section for someone who is actually infected, since their brains will be too far gone to comprehend what is actually happening. My only hope is that the non-infected can use this to study the behavioral patterns of the diseased and perhaps keep their brains from turning to mush for a little longer. Infected fans will make rash decisions, maybe inviting you to join a fantasy league for a sport you’ve never heard of…They pretty much just want to eat your brain though. The infected tend to hang out in large groups, usually at sports bars or around big screen TV’s. They tend to stay indoors, so being outside and active is your best chance to avoid infection. While their sports brains may be inactive, their other senses are heightened. They respond quickly to the sound of chips being dumped in a bowl or hot wings being drenched in buffalo sauce in hopes that an NFL game might be near. Unless you are safely sheltered, avoid these customary NFL Game Day foods.

The odds of surviving the NFL lockout are so low, however, that you might just be better off getting infected as soon as possible. Nobody wants to live in a world without football.