From what little I’ve seen, these new “lady” Ghostbusters seem to fear no ghosts whatsoever. They’re punching ghosts with proton gauntlets, dual wielding proton pistols, stealing jobs previously performed by male Ghostbusters…they’re tough! But here are some ghosts that even THESE four strong female characters should be wary of…

The King of Denmark is back, and he wants Melissa McCarthy to murder Claudius! The vengeance Hamlet’s Dad demands will surely test the wills of Gilbert, Yates, Holtzmann & Tolan. Will they choose to slay this foul usurper? Or will they simply bust Hamlet’s Dad, ‘cause fuck it, he’s a ghost? Either way, expect a lot of hemming and hawing, and then later, a joke about slime in someone’s buttcrack.

Watch out for her, ladies…she’s a bitch! Eleanor isn’t returning my texts, and trust me, I’ve sent dozens. What did I do wrong? I bought her lots of gifts, like that exercise bike, or that Weight Watchers class. I asked her to marry me on our second date — the definition of romance. I even contacted all her old flames and told them to, “BACK OFF, MAN, I’M A SCIENTIST NICE GUY.” So why’d she ghost? Either way, I’m sad inside. I hope the Ghostbusters find her & tell her I love her.

What’s scarier than a horde of screaming undead apparitions? A ghost who knows how fucked up your future is gonna be. Ghostbusters, meet The Ghost of Christmas Future. He’s gonna break into your house and show you how the time spent busting ghosts should have been spent busting…your families. It’s not too late, Lady Ghostbusters! Repent! REPENT!

C’mon, Ghostbusters…how you gonna bust Ghost Dad? Directed by Sidney Poitier, Ghost Dad is the story of a single father who gets killed in a car accident, and tries to help his family from beyond the grave. In other words, busting Ghost Dad would be a PR nightmare. Imagine this headline: “They Ain’t Afraid O’ No Orphanage! Ghostbusters Leave Innocent Black Kids Fatherless.” Take my advice: leave Ghost Dad alone!

Also, on an unrelated note, don’t drink anything Ghost Dad hands you?

I’m gonna come out and say it: they seem unbustable. They always come back, no matter how many times a sentient pie chart swallows them whole. They regularly break out of ghost jail, jealously guarding delicious cherries and pretzels with their undead lives. Even Ms. Pac Man can’t stop them, and she’s a lady, just like you ladies! Will Patty Tolan beat this fearsome foursome with her “hard earned street smarts?” Find out July 15th!

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts…but that doesn’t include creepy eurotrash ghosts! The Twins scare the shit out of me. They have the ability to turn tangible and intangible…Kristen Wiig won’t like that. I can already imagine a sequence where she swings wildly at the ghosts, remarks that they’re “harder to catch than a man in this town,” and eventually falls on her butt. But more importantly: they carry with them the uncanny ability to destroy a profitable franchise in one mere appearance. Look out, Paul Feig! They’re coming for your soul…and your bankability!

What has become of The American Dream? Between cripplingly high taxes on our fine corporations and laws that make gun buying nearly impossible, it’s more like the American…Nightmare. And as we inch ever-closer to a disastrous Clinton presidency, the Ghost of America’s Once Proud Moral Values has only grown slimier.

There’s only one way to stop this ghost from drowning the heartland in its salty, patriotic tears…and that’s electing Donald J. Trump. I know we don’t really get political here at Paste, but Paste Magazine is officially endorsing Donald J. Trump for the Presidency of the United States. I haven’t asked any of the editors, and I’m honestly just a freelancer, but I said it, and now it’s a fact. Let’s go Trump! #TrumpTrain! #CantStumpTheTrump! #MakeAmericaGreatAgain!



Asterios Kokkinos is a comedian in Los Angeles and a real New Yorker.