That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to combat heartburn is to drink water. Like, a lotta water. Like, all of the water. Like so much water that it feels like you’re drowning. Like so much water that you begin to actually start drowning. And then that hot lifeguard will finally have to stop ignoring your advances and succumb to temptation, or as he calls it, “CPR”. Now that’s how you beat heartache, err, burn. Whatever.