Is there an artist that just takes your heart and rips it into billions of tiny pieces? Is that artist Julien Baker? If so, welcome to the club. In my first throwback review, I’ll be exploring the sophomore release Turn Out The Lights by Tennessee native, Julien Baker. Sprained Ankle, her debut album, will certainly be reviewed in the future, but this has been in heavy rotation for me and I must discuss it further. Released in 2017, this album explores themes of depression, self-doubt, anxiety, addiction, and religion. Let’s get into it.

“Over”

A building instrumental to the album, this track almost serves as a calm before the storm. What ensues is a cathartic, raw, brutally honest collection of both self-reflective and self-critical tracks. “Over” is a beautiful orchestral-ish arrangement that perfectly complements the subject matter to come. It feels equal parts hopeful and skeptical, serving as a brilliant opener.

“Appointments”

The second track “Appointments” displays a failing relationship marred by self-hate, shame, disappointment, and failure. Julien desires for things to work out like they pictured them to and to not be a source of toxicity for the people around them. I’ve often struggled with the thought that my presence is neither welcome nor encouraged and that nothing I say or do ever works in the way I want it to. This track speaks to these feelings of hopelessness, frustration, and, sometimes, anger that can accompany the perceived lack of accomplishments. “Appointments” makes it clear that sometimes you can do all the right things and make positive changes, but it isn’t always enough to cause a shift. However, there is power in belief, in whatever form one chooses.

“Maybe it’s all gonna turn out alright

And I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is”

“Turn Out The Lights”

“Turn Out The Lights” opens clean and builds to a roaring apex, like many of the tracks on this album. This title song explores hopelessness, complacency, and the desire to end one’s life and it almost feels like it was written from your own thoughts. Julien wants to “turn out the lights” and leave this life she finds so difficult, even though she knows she could never do it. Sometimes, life can be entirely overwhelming and it can feel like you’re forced into battle every step you take. But, there is always tomorrow, and though it may be difficult to see the forest for the trees, it always worth a shot.

“Shadowboxing”

“Shadowboxing” is a story about fighting with demons that live within, but no one knows how much it affects you or what they can do to help. Like Julien says, there may be comfort in things like drugs, religion, and even failure, but ultimately, nothing really takes away that hurt. I know I can sympathize with the feeling of being at war in your own head, of people really not knowing how to make sense of the struggles you experience. It can be really isolating, but it’s heavenly tracks like this that can help you not feel so alone.

“I know that you don’t understand

‘Cause you don’t believe what you don’t see

When you watch me throwing punches at the devil

It just looks like I’m fighting with me”

“Sour Breath”

Over a pleasant clean guitar riff lies a piece exploring alcohol use and the toll it can take on one’s relationships. To get candid, I grew up with a substance addicted parent and it took quite a long time to really explore the ways that affected me and it’s still a work in progress. “Sour Breath” shows that alcohol and substances in general really offer very little in terms of actually solving a problem and tend to exacerbate any present issues. There is the tendency to believe that it is merely your own presence that causes someone to engage in this behavior and Julien firmly believes that maybe if she tried a little harder, things would be different. However, swimming harder won’t always keep you and others afloat.

“Televangelist”

This almost gospel-like piano track pays homage to Julien’s religious upbringing. Feeling uncontrollable sensations like an amputee and unrestrained fervor like a televangelist, she’s alone and left to sort things out by herself. She believes herself to be devoid of feeling and substance and has no choice but to let her own negative thoughts consume her. It can be truly devastating to be left to your own devices when there is no way you could or should be taking care of yourself. It can feel like it’s just you and only you to make sense of all that’s gone wrong, but even in the midst of despair or even overdose, even a sliver of hope can be enough.

“All my prayers are just apologies

Hold out a flare until you come for me

Do I turn into light if I burn alive”

“Everything That Helps You Sleep”

This track explores being unable to turn off your head or your environment to be able to help yourself. Anyone who has suffered with insomnia to any degree knows the living hell it can be. Julien has lost all the things that help her sleep at night and wishes for any amount of solace from her troubles. Sometimes, it feels like there’s no way to turn off your thoughts and get any relief from whatever issue has been plaguing you. No matter what you do, nothing really seems to help anymore. Julien pleads with God to help her find any kind of relief, thinking maybe screaming a little louder or rejoicing would finally get him to listen.

“Happy To Be Here”

Another beautiful guitar track, “Happy To Be Here” opens with a brilliant metaphor desiring to be an electrician so you can change the wiring in your brain since the circuitry is all off and you need to be fixed. I know I’ve had the thought of wondering why I turned out this way and what can I do to fix it. Julien finds herself in a clinic, willing and ready to make the changes she so desperately desires. Though not optimistic, there has to be something that will work. Like Julien, I’ve heard the evangelicals and I myself have wondered if others can improve their situation or have perfect lives, why couldn’t I have gotten the same treatment. Sometimes, you just have to trust that there is a reason for things, even if it makes no sense to you.

“Because I miss it the way that I miss nicotine

If it makes me feel better, how bad can it be?

Well I heard there’s a fix for everything

Then why, then why, then why, then why not me?”

“Hurt Less”

“Hurt Less” is a desperate plea to figure out a way to make existing less painful. Julien wouldn’t wear a seat belt while driving because what’s the point of trying to save yourself from an accident? If life doesn’t feel like it’s worth it, it can lead to many dangerous behaviors simply because you don’t really care about what happens to you and safety is of no concern. She finds a way, though, to some solace. By sharing your story and being open with others, you can find a way to make life meaningful and enjoyable again. Whether that be something you do or that comes from another person, there is a way to make it “hurt less”.

“Even”

I must admit my bias, as “Even” is my most played and favorite track on the album. A sobering admission of failure, misery, and lack of self-worth, “Even” explores a person who desires for things to even out, to be punished for the failure they believe they are. There are times in many people’s life where nothing seems to go right or you always find a way to sabotage everything in your life. I know for me it has felt like a failure of character, like Julien has explored earlier in the album. Resorting to self-destructive behaviors, though, only adds fuel onto an already out of control fire and it is always worth it to make any attempts at improvement even if you believe yourself to be undeserving.

“But you were right, I was asking for it

I always am, it’s no good

If the pain doesn’t make you feel like you earned it

And I probably deserved it”

“Claws In Your Back”

Another building anthemic track, “Claws In Your Back” is full of more hope than the rest of the album and makes for a beautiful closer. Aptly put, depression can feel like a monster with its claws in your back. It lurks just beneath the surface, just behind the curtain, but always manages to never expose itself, making it so hard for others to really see how debilitating it can be. But even though it can be so paralyzing, there is a way to love how you were made and find a way to continue living life because it is worth it.

“‘Cause I take it all back, I change my mind

I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay”

To say Turn Out The Lights impressed me really would be a huge understatement. To me, this is a stellar album riddled with honest, dark, beautiful tracks about the depths a person can sink to. But it also explores the value of hope and how it is vitally important to not concede in the face of adversity. Julien Baker has felt it all and lays it on full display for everyone to witness and what a treasure to encounter.

9/10

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