Congratulations on surviving another term in the Trump Dynasty! They told our beloved God Emperor it couldn’t be done, and Trump proved them wrong by rounding up the dissenters and executing them on Hannity. As our beloved God Emperor always mumbles, “You can’t spell ‘Triumph’ without ‘Trump!’”

As food rations continue to dwindle due to the ongoing skirmishes in Canada, Mexico, France, Pretty Good Britain, Iran, Germany, and what’s left of the Ukraine, we’ve become more reliant on our own domestic food production since the number one import from the countries we’re fighting is our deceased soldiers arriving home in flag-draped coffins. With a whopping 77% unemployment, that’s a lot of hungry mouths to feed, and the population grows restless.

No longer do citizens seek another squirrel roast recipe drizzled with a savory acorn and sage sauce, or deal with the difficulties of trapping and shaving yet another cat. And you can only prepare man’s best friend so many ways until you grow tired of that lingering wet dog taste in the back of your throat, no matter how much you overseason it. They might have filled us up with love and companionship once upon a time, but they can only keep one full for so long nowadays.

I still give our beloved God Emperor great credit in attempting to combine the refugee crisis, overpopulation, and feeding the hungry masses all under the same umbrella. He had a vision of clarity, and it would have solved a majority of our woes had the immigrants not carried with them kuru, or “the laughing death” when consumed. Such spicy tainted meat was no match for our malnourished Anglo-MAGAmerican bellies, and after eating a steady diet of carne de humano, one wasn’t able to wander too far from a bathroom for several days, let alone wander at all after their motor functions ceased and their brains decayed from within.

It was regrettable having to cease using their meat for cooking, and just continue killing them by the thousands, letting all that meat spoil in the sun along the Trump Wall, Inc. It also didn’t help that Ecuadorean mad swine flu was rampant due to too much tainted meat already circulating in supermarkets.

The meat from the children trapped in cages was so tender and succulent, though. It was as if we had an endless supply of veal.

While politics once divided us, everyone became equals when businesses started to topple like dominoes, the stock market crashed so hard from the fake economy, and no one could afford to pay the outrageous taxes that went straight into the pockets of the much-adored Job Creators. As our beloved God Emperor put it, “Who needs an economy? It only makes us look weak!” No longer do we point fingers and raise our voices of disapproval at the Trumpanzees or the libtards, for we’re all in the same boat: the poor.

One of the benefits of forever squatting in a house you once owned is chances are your neighbors are doing the exact same thing in every suburb, city, and state across this country. The IRS can’t afford to haul anyone away when the entire organization is run by eight people and one very nice potted peace lily, nor can the banks foreclose on all houses when they themselves are all out of business.

When we, as a society, are malnourished and eating fellow malnourished people, things devolve into the bland eating the bland in bland-on-bland violence. It’s already hard enough to digest nothing, but tainted nothing is even worse, causing one to painfully puke and defecate, well, nothing. We, as a society, have only one option remaining, and that’s to seek out the richest, most tender meat still available to us.

We must eat the rich.

Illustrations by Gustav Carlson

It’s rather simple when you think about it. There’s more of us than there are them, and they’re just as trapped within these walls as we are. Trump Wall, Inc. on the US-Mexico border keeps them from fleeing south, and Canada’s National Wall keeps them (and all Americans) from encroaching north. They can’t fly in their jets or sail away in their luxury power boats due to gasoline being tapped out. They’re all stranded in their luxuriously protected capital, Trump D.C., with all their money and valuables stored in the National Bank, the only bank that remains standing.

Besting the rich won’t be too hard, because they aren’t very bright. Yes, they had us, the general population, under their thumbs for several hundred years, and yes, they sold us on trickle-down economics in the ’80s, but now I’m going to share with you how to go from trickle-down economics to having their juices trickle down your chin with these delicious recipes.

Stew of the People (Robin Hood’s Stew)

Serves 6-8

Ingredients:

3 lbs. Boneless Billionaire Shoulder

16 oz. Dark Beer

3 Cups Chicken Broth

2 Large Carrots

1 Yellow Onion

4 Cloves Garlic, Minced

3 Stalks of Celery

2 Bay Leaves

¼ Cup Parsley, Chopped

½ Tsp Paprika

3 Tbs Balsamic Vinegar

Salt & Pepper to taste

When it comes to the different types of rich, the elderly ones (“Old Rich”) will be easiest to catch and carve first. I first attempted this recipe while hunting in the Sierra Nevada one summer. While most of the good game had already been hunted long ago, I was desperate enough to triple-check some of the more hidden depths of the forests in hopes of a missed mule deer or long-eared chipmunk.

On the third night, I encountered an elderly billionaire taking in some fresh air and stalked him back to his LuxuryBunker3000 tucked away under some large fake trees. Right after he opened the secret hatch, I shot him in the thigh with my Winchester Model 70. As he lay dying, I entered the LuxuryBunker3000 to search his kitchen and pantry.

There were a lot of canned soups, canned vegetables, canned fruits, fresh fruits and vegetables, a five-year supply of beer, bottles of port, bottles of reds and whites, and an entire drawer of different spices. And yet, no meat of any sort. This billionaire was a vegetarian, and the closest thing he had to meat was a fridge full of tofu. While I was initially dismayed, a thought popped into my head while searching his wallet for identification: why not simply make a hearty stew out of Stuart here? How often does one get to try a nibble of Carnegie with carrots? I dragged his carcass back inside and dumped him in the foyer and looked for the sharpest knife I could find.

One thing I can’t stress enough is to make sure the epidermis is completely shaved. There’s nothing worse than the smell of burnt hair while cooking. Once you separate the limbs from the joints, find the shoulder muscle and proceed to flay the outer layer of skin. Deboning can be a bit tricky, but the easiest way is to cut vertically with the bone, then peel off the meat. Since this is an Old Rich (and a vegetarian), there won’t be too much meat on the shoulder and biceps, but with both arms there should be roughly three pounds of meat available.

Pat the meat dry with a paper towel and cut into two-inch cubes. Once complete, lightly season with salt and pepper. Once done prepping the meat, continue to prep any fresh vegetables you might have. He had carrots, celery, and onions, so those three are a good base to any stew. Dice the onion (or use a food processor if available), and thinly slice the carrots and stalks of celery. You don’t want them too thick, otherwise it will take slightly longer to cook.

First you’ll want to season the meat with salt and pepper. In a large pot, heat oil over a high heat and add the meat cubes. Cook until browned on both sides, remove and set aside.

Lower the heat to medium and add the butter. Once melted, add the onions and garlic, cooking until the onions become translucent. Add a pinch of salt for taste. Once fragrant, add flour and stir until completely dissolved. Add bay leaves and a dark beer of your choice (stouts work best, Stuart had Guinness), stir until thickened, about two minutes.

Add the carrots, celery, chicken broth, paprika, and meat to the pot and lower heat to a simmer. Let your Old Rich meat enjoy a luxurious jacuzzi one final time. Stir in the balsamic vinegar and parsley and let simmer for 2-3 hours or until the meat is tender enough to tear apart with your fork. If you killed the Old Rich at his place, you can use this time to rifle through their things while you wait.

Serve, add salt or pepper if need be. I also recommend adding a squirt of lemon juice to really make the flavors pop. Can last up to a week if properly refrigerated. Or freeze for a later meal.

Oysters with Rockefeller

Serves 4-6

Ingredients:

8-10 Rockefeller Eyeballs, Washed

2 Dozen Fresh Oyster Shells, Washed

1 Large Onion, Finely Chopped

½ Cup Butter

12 oz Fresh Spinach, Roughly Chopped

1 Cup Romano Cheese, Grated

2 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

Kosher Salt

Pepper

It was a stroke of luck that I came across this recipe while out at sea one day. I had rented a Boston Whaler off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard and just so happened to come across a luxury yacht, the Reaganomics, anchored near the island. I spied several elderly wealthy elites onboard, with two armed security officers stationed around the perimeter. Always being one for new recipes, I decided to motor over and see if an opportunity presented itself. “Ahoy!” I called as I came near. “I bring oysters for the chef!” I proceeded to hold up a burlap sack of my clothes and lures for what started as my fishing trip, but they wouldn’t know the difference until it would be too late for them.

I came aboard, and both security officers asked to inspect the oysters. I made sure to dose a rag with chloroform beforehand and asked them, “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?” They were both out within seconds. I tossed their bodies overboard and made my way towards the kitchen. As I passed the wealthy elites lounging and sipping on Dom Perignon, I held up my sack and announced, “Oysters!” much to their delight. They saluted me with their glasses, and I made my way down the hallway as classical music piped through the speakers overhead.

Back in the prestigious little kitchen, I became acquainted with Chef Lionel Dahmer, and told him of my recipe research. He agreed to help me in exchange for his life, and even had the perfect recipe in mind: Oysters Rockefeller. But instead of oysters, we’d exchange them for a different protein more readily available to us: eyeballs. While messy to extract, I discovered a traditional melon baller comes in quite handy. Don’t fret too much about using just the eyeballs, for the rest of their meat can be frozen for future meals. Any meat you harvest would be soft and fatty, as is the case with elderly billionaires who have never worked a day in their life.

Thoroughly wash the oyster shells, dry, and set aside. On two large baking sheets, pour kosher salt evenly (about one pound per sheet), and press cleaned shells into the salt. Slice Rockefeller eyeballs in half length-wise, and place one half at the bottom of each shell. Be mindful of any contact lens or fake eyeballs.

In a large skillet, melt butter and add onions, sauté until tender. Proceed to add spinach and cook until wilted (about 3-4 minutes). Remove skillet from heat and add fresh lemon juice, pepper, and grated Romano cheese.

Place two tablespoons of the cheesy spinach mix in each shell. Distribute evenly.

Set oven to 450 degrees, and bake uncovered for seven minutes. Serve immediately to a large gathering of friends. I can easily see this dish being a hit at the next ceremonial gathering of the Asmat Tribe of New Guinea.

Deep-Fried Trumpy with Cheeseburger Stuffing

Serves 10-14

Ingredients:

For Deep Fried Trumpy

1 Whole Trump (an Eric will suffice in a pinch)

25 Gallons of Peanut Oil

14 Pounds of Salt

16 Pounds Brown Sugar

15 Pounds of Ice

For Cheeseburger Stuffing

30 Cheeseburgers

While I haven’t had the pleasure of eating the real thing, I prepared this dish with one slight modification. I can’t get close enough to prepare and eat the God Emperor and taste his greatness. None of us can! He remains safe and sound behind the ten-foot-thick steel walls that surround the Gold House. You can’t wait him out, for he built-in his own personal McDonald’s restaurant during his first term in office and has remained plump and happy ever since. He even has one hundred percent real fake beef shipped in to make the cheeseburgers as close to the real McDonald’s recipe as possible, oily skin and all. Therefore, I had to find meat almost identical to the God Emperor and decided to go harvesting in his family tree.

The trap was simple, yet effective. I placed a weighted net high above, hidden from view in the trees a few blocks away from the Gold House. I placed a few velvet ropes leading to a foldout table directly underneath the weighted net, and a sign at the beginning of the line that read, “Queue Starts Here for Free Hugs From the Beloved God Emperor.” It was like catnip to my prey, and not long after Donald Trump Jr. came running out from the woods and was first in line to finally get that long-awaited hug from Daddy. I released the net, and Junior was trapped and confused, much like the big game he used to hunt.

Back at my impromptu kitchen, an abandoned warehouse a few miles away, I set to work preparing Junior for the scores of homeless people the following night. I had promised the community a big feast, and after all the hardships they’ve faced these past few years, they deserved a warm belly full of food. Be sure to give yourself two days to prepare and cook, much like a traditional Thanksgiving setup.

When hanging the meat, make sure it’s bound upside down so when you slice across the throat, it bleeds out. I recommend duct tape over the mouth to prevent the horrid screams from emitting. Also, keep in mind that sometimes they will defecate before or during the prep. Junior was so full of shit that he was evacuating his bowels before, during, and after. When the blood starts to flow from the throat, the body will jerk and spasm. That’s completely normal. They will subside after a few minutes. If you need to play music in the background to muffle the process, might I suggest “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel?

Once the body is stripped and cleaned, proceed to shave the body and remove the internal organs. You can remove the head completely, for you won’t be needing that part. Keep in mind, if taking the organs out through the anus, that the brain will be the first one you’ll encounter from that end. If you decide to open up the body cavity, be sure to make the incision easy enough to sew back together with cooking twine.

After the initial prep, you’ll want to brine the Trumpy. Take a 55-gallon steel oil drum and fill halfway with hot water. Proceed to add the kosher salt and brown sugar and stir until completely dissolved. Add the blocks of ice until the entire brine is cool, stirring to ensure the temperature of the steel drum is consistent throughout. With a crane or rope and pulley system, lower the Trumpy into the brine and let sit for 12-20 hours.

Remove the Trumpy and pat dry, leaving out for forty-five minutes to reach room temperature. Many house fires start from a cold Trumpy hitting the hot oil, causing the oil to overflow onto the burner and catch fire. Be safe! While Trumpy is sitting out, clean 55-gallon steel drum and fill slightly more than halfway with peanut oil.

Once oil has reached 350 degrees (it may take a while), slowly lower the Trumpy into the oil using the crane or rope and pulley until completely submerged. Cook for forty-five minutes until internal temperature is 150 degrees. Remove from oil and carve. There will be leftovers for days, so think of other ways to use the meat. I recommend a Trumpy sandwich, served hot or cold.

The cheeseburger stuffing can be made while the Trumpy cooks in the oil. Roughly chop thirty cheeseburgers and place in baking trays. Set oven for 350 degrees and bake for fifteen minutes until bread is toasted. The cheese should melt ingredients together. Serve with a fresh slice of Trumpy.

These are just some of the recipes that would make Jean-Jacques Rousseau proud, and should help keep you and your loved ones fed for the next few months until all of the rich are eaten or scared to literal death by the hungry masses hunting them for sustenance. In God Emperor Trump’s MAGAmerica, anything is possible when one is hungry enough.