THE prime minister remains secure in her belief that Britain’s frothing, maniacal tabloids will always be on her side, no matter what.

Theresa May, who has looked approvingly on while the press has declared the judiciary traitors, fellow politicians saboteurs and agitated for war with Spain, knows that they would never do anything to hurt her.

She said: “The Daily Mail’s just a big softy really.

“Certainly it’s horrendously brutal towards opposition leaders, and foreigners, and Scotland, and the poor, and any Tories who disagree with it even slightly, savaging anyone who crosses it even slightly, but it wouldn’t do that to me.

“I’m confident that even if I didn’t get exactly the Brexit deal it wants and we have to allow some immigration to keep our industries going, it’d understand and wouldn’t without warning go for my throat, not stopping until I was dead.

“We’re not just a vicious, neo-fascist media giant and its current pet politician. We’re genuinely friends.”