"77 Ways To Smoke Grass in 70's High School"



by Ron Slater



1. Leave all of your notebooks in the car so you can retrieve them one at a

time. (This way you get to smoke before every class).



2. Smoke underneath the hooded ventilator fans in the chemistry classroom (to

get rid of the evidence).



3. Write yourself a doctor's excuse to get out of class/school, go anywhere,

and toke yourself numb. Come back and tell them you're on heavy medication.



4. In the girls bathroom, take the top off of a tampon wrapper. Remove the

tampon. Fill the empty hole with pot. Roll it up on both sides and flame it

away. Then smoke some cigarettes (so the bathroom will smell normal).



5. In Metals/Jewelry class you can always smoke in the room where you melt

stuff (not to mention that you always have a flame handy).



6. Lunch break: anything goes.



7. Before school, empty out half a cigarette, load with weed and smoke during

recess.



8. In between classes, open your locker, light a Tokeless Pipe(TM), and

exhale into the locker (or someone else's locker...)



9. In the cafeteria, take some weed, put it on the food of your choice, and

much out.



10. Take a Journalism class. This way you get the full "use" of the darkroom.



11. Keep failing Driver's Ed until you get an instructor who smokes pot.

While practicing your skills, keep taking the wrong turns until you run out

of gas. Light one up while you wait for a ride.



12. Run up to the school nurse, throw up in her face, and get sent home. Load

bong and mellow out for the rest of the afternoon.



13. Light up underneath the bleachers at the football field. (WARNING: A lot

of people have been busted here).



14. In Auto Shop, they let you test drive the cars when you're done working

on them. Drive off, light up, air out, and drive back.



15. Move slow... it takes a while for everybody to get to a pep rally --

ample time to blow a reefer. To be discrete, use a smokeless Pen Pipe(TM).



16. Play an instrument in Band class. That way, you can sign up to use the

practice rooms (or should I say "opium dens").



17. Go on as many field trips as you can (as if you didn't want to anyway).

It's harder for them to keep track of you, so it's easier for you to split/

slip/spleef off.



18. Run for student council, so you have the temporary building all to

yourself.



19. Use any religious holiday you can think of to get out of class. Leave and

worship the Red-Budded One.



20. Gals: in Home-Ekkk, stash your weed in the oregano spice bottle. Cook

spaghetti with lots of "spice."



21. Smoke, score some more weed, smoke some more, all in the safety of the

assigned "Smoking Section." (Be sure to keep a regular cigarette burning).



22. Trip fire alarms -- for when you're really jonesing.



23. Join the F.F.A. (Future Farmers of America), smoke out in the animal

trailers where the stench will hide anything.



24. At the pep rally, wait for everyone to clap for the cheerleaders. Then

take a hit off that three-foot bong.



25. Become an Audio-Visual (A/V) nerd. This gives you free access to wander

the hallways. Smoke in the closet where they store all the film and slide

projectors.



26. Start a cafeteria food-fight. This is a good diversion to do a quick

one-hit.



27. Join the track team -- smoke weed while running long distance.



28. Be a hall monitor (cops get away with murder).



29. Find out which teachers get high. Eventually, you'll be in one of their

classes. Use it against them -- sell them some pot, or steal their diary

(usually found in the top drawer of their desk) for blackmail.



30. Get the back seat on the school bus -- the driver can't see you and the

people who sit in the back don't care if you smoke anyway (you'll probably

have to share, though...)



31. Create a parking lot diversion. Take turns having someone burn rubber so

the School Narc will chase after them. Meanwhile, see how much reefer you and

your friends can smoke before he makes it back to your side of the parking

lot.



32. Skip class, break into the teacher's lounge, and toke yourself silly.



33. In Health class, sit in the back row when they have the police come in an

lecture you on drugs. They usually pass around a box with a couple of joints

in it, so you can see what marijuana looks like. Roll a couple of fake joints

before class. Exchange. Ask to go to the bathroom.



34. Shop class is the time to light up; the classrooms are huge, and you can

always tell if your teacher is really involved in some project on the other

side of the room.



35. Go into the basement during lunch to explore all the nooks and crannies

while smoking bowl after bowl (even more fun with a member of the opposite

sex. Or, your pot dealer).



36. Create a disturbance and give your teacher an excuse to walk out of the

room. Example: start throwing up and run out of the room, calling for help.

(Your friends will spot you a joint later).



37. Get to know the long-haired janitor. Follow him to his "secret" spot.









38. Find a way up to the roof. Bring lounge chairs, kick back and relax.

(When's the last time you saw the assistant principal trying to make siege

on the school roof?)



39. Push out the fake acoustic tiles in the hallway ceiling, then have

someone boost you up there. Crawl around and explore while roasting that

doobie.



40. Join the swim team. You can smoke in the locker room after school and get

rid of the reek when you go swimming.



41. Call in a bomb threat; drag your feet while leaving so you can get lost

in the crowd that smokes weed.



42. Smoke underneath the cars in Auto Shop.



43. Kiss your gym teacher's ass -- "volunteer" to wash the towels after gym.

This gives you time to light up and find possible future fuel for blackmail.



44. After seeing Roots, claim it's your natural birth-right as a native

American Indian (or whatever) to smoke marijuana wherever and whenever you

want.



45. Do one-hits while dissecting fetal pigs in Biology class. The

formaldehyde overpowers the skunk weed, 2 to 1. (While you're at it, cut off

one of the front feet to use for a roach-clip later).



46. Have a "seizure" -- tell the school nurse it was on epileptic fit brought

on by glaucoma and that you have a therapeutic joint in your "medicine bag."



47. Smoke under the stairs between classes. The smoke will rise and you'll

have an escape route at the bottom of the stairs.



48. Have one of your friends fake a "bad trip" on acid. Tell your teacher you

need to take them outside for some fresh air and "talk them down." Ditch

class; smoke a joint in the parking lot.



49. In Astronomy class, complain that you thought it was AstroLOGY class and

your psychic advisor told you that it was okay to light up during the "rap

session."



50. Have an "anxiety attack" so you can go see your counselor. If you're

lucky, he/she will want to "rap" with you. Casually take out of joint and

start puffing. They'll think you're under a lot of pressure and most likely,

they'll make you put it out. But that's usually after you've had a couple of

good tokes.



51. Jim Morrison is dead, and now Elvis. Wait till Keith Moon dies, then

freak out and run out of the room screaming, "Dead! Dead! They're all dead!"

Then torch up in between buildings, in memorial.



52. Seduce any attractive teacher of the opposite sex. This guarantees you

"liberation" to leave her/his class at any time.



53. Go to class sporting some horrible bodily odor. After offending everyone

in class, they'll probably make you leave. If that doesn't work, soil

yourself.



54. Make loud accusations that your teacher is a known member of the

Symbionese Liberation Army. The louder you are, the faster they'll run to the

front office for help. Light up while waiting for the principal to take you

to detention hall.



55. On Washington's Birthday, start puffing on a joint in History class while

ranting, "Since my forefathers smoked pot, then By God it's my right, too."

If they don't let you, scream at the top of your lungs that the entire school

administration and faculty are "a bunch of oppresive Commie pinkos."



56. Bet your friend a joint that they can't spell out "SHELLOIL" on a pocket

calculator. When they give up, punch in the number 71077345 and flip the

calculator over. Toke the ganja in the slide-rule repair department.



57. In Band class, put a giant screen in your alto sax. Duct-tape all the

holes shut. Light, suck.



58. Form the longest lunch line possible with all your friends. Light up and

pass a joint down the lunch line (speed is an important factor here). If

questioned about the aroma, look stupid and point to the kitchen.



59. Girls: (hell, even guys) Try out for cheerleading whether you can lead

cheers or not. Regularly fall down and sprain your ankle so you can watch the

serious cheerleading from a good smoking distance.



60. Get on the school paper staff and become a reporter. Then demand they

send you over to Vietnam (where the real pot is).



61. Any adventure club goes on camping trips and gets you out of class for at

least a couple of days. They're also usually run by ex-hippies.



62. Become sensitive, shy, and confused. This will dupe any teacher into

cutting you 100% slack, which is always your ticket to freedom, brother.



63. Volunteer to stack books for the librarian. Disappear in the stacks and

puff away. If questioned, blame it on gas -- they'll never know the distance.



64. Drink a fifth of bourbon before you get to school; by second period,

they'll throw you out of class (if you don't pass out in class first). If

your coordination is still together, try to fire up that weed on the way home

from school.



65. Freak out in class, screaming "I don't want to be eligible for the

draft! I'm afraid to die!" Run out of the room, towards the opium den of

your choice; it will take them at least a joint's worth of time to find you.



66. Volunteer for the job of raising the school flag in the morning, so you

can salute the colors as they follow a cloud of smoke.



67. Lock yourself in the room where the faculty hangs their coats. Exhale

through their jackets.



68. Take Typing class and type yourself a note from your mother, excusing you

from that period (or next period) and have your friend sign your mom's John

Hancock.



69. In Auto Shop, have your weed stashed under the seat of your mini-bike.

Toke up when welding on your muffler.



70. Smoke a big joint before school starts. Exhale into a big glass jar with

a lid, stash the jar in your locker, and take hits off it in between classes.



71. Before school, make "ice tea" out of your pot. Keep it in the thermos of

your Partridge Family lunchbox.



72. At the formal dance, have a joint stashed in the knot of your tie. Sneak

off into a darkened corner and light.



73. During the Halloween Dance, dress up as a hippie smoking a fake joint.

Make it out of rolling paper, tobacco, and some flour. Blow through it to

make the flour puff out like smoke. Switch it with a real joint when the

coast is clear.



74. Join the Pep Club. Request huge bonfires for every pep rally. Stuff the

pile of wood with tons of paper for extra smoke. Roll lots of pin joints and

stand in the second row.



75. Act stupid so you can get thrown into the "Special Ed" class. Usually the

teacher is worse off than the students, and you're "special" -- no matter

what you do (or smoke).



76. Get a fog machine, like the one KISS uses, and light up in class. If they

suspect you're smoking weed, blast 'em with your fog machine. Use it for

cover when you run out of the door.



77. If all else fails, simply set the school on fire. The thick, billowing

clouds of smoke will hide the reek of weed, 100% guaranteed.





- from Dazed and Confused (St. Martin's Press, New York, 1993).



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