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Is it me, or are fast food burger patties shrinking even more?

Is it the economy? Can’t figure out a way to cut costs, so we’ll just cut a fourth of beef off of every hamburger?

Is this what’s happening?

In an effort to not throw one of my favorite fast food joints under the bus, I’ll be referring to it as Burger Heaven for purposes of this blog. That’s actually a fitting name because my typical experience is nothing short of divine. There truly is something extraordinary about a warm, charbroiled hamburger patty covered with melted cheese, smothered in ketchup, with lettuce and tomato inside a fresh bun. It’s magic.

Unfortunately for me, no sparks were flying last night. No angels singing at Burger Heaven because for the first time ever, my cheeseburger SUCKED.

I had to lift the bun to see if there was even a burger in there, giving me flashbacks of those Wendy’s commercials where the old lady squinted through her glasses, searching for any sign of a patty and then said straight into the camera, “Where’s the beef?” Remember that? And it seemed like only a few hours after that first spot ran, every mullet in America was covered with a “where’s the beef” trucker hat and every girl with big bangs was wearing an oversized T-shirt with the stupid slogan printed on it. Aaaawwww, the eighties. So many fashion fabs and SO MANY trendy trainwrecks. The “where’s the beef” clothing line, hands-down, the most tragic of them all.

Back to Burger Heaven, last night, where I was seriously disturbed that the beef in my burger was noticeably different in size … how can a restaurant change something like that without giving us a heads-up?

I am devastated. This is my favorite burger — you could blind fold me, give me bites of a hundred different cheeseburgers and I would know which one was mine in an instant. You can’t mess with my burger, Burger Heaven!

PLEASE DON’T MESS WITH MY BURGER!

Like a dork, I went home and got online to do some burger research. I was praying that Burger Heaven did the right thing and posted some of its new changes on its website. Wishful thinking. Why would a restaurant print, “We are excited to announce a transformation in our best selling cheeseburger, it will be half the size from now on, giving us the opportunity to stay afloat in this sh—y economy.” Come on Nicole. Of course BH is not going to publicly announce a burger downsize.

I am very upset about this. I bust my butt at work all week and sinking my teeth into a big, fat, juicy burger is a treat that I look forward to. Even though it happens about twice a week, it always tastes like a reward (especially when I wash it down with a cold beer). What if I get a wicked bad burger craving late night, over the weekend?

I’ve always been so loyal to Burger Heaven, will I cave and cheat?

I had an affair with White Castle when I lived in New York. I justified my indulgence of those tiny, individually-wrapped bundles of joy by telling myself that it was okay because I was across state lines. What was I gonna do, fly to Cali everytime I wanted Burger Heaven?

I’m hoping this sheisty modification is purely temporary and my favorite burger will return to the menu in its normal stature soon.

Meantime, I’m in the market for a new place to call burger home, any suggestions?

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