TORONTO – Following the last-minute cancellation of the popular Caribana event Carnival Kingdom, city officials have decided that next year, instead of the Toronto Caribbean Carnival Parade they will give the public what the city feels they will prefer: a multi-day festival celebrating people who shut down events with noise complaints.

“After we saw how the city of Vaughan shut down a 10,000 person event in an industrial area far from any residences based on only a handful of noise complaints, we knew we could take that brilliant idea further,” said Toronto licensing officer Amanda Garland. “There’s just something about noise complaints that is so exciting right now, they really deserve to be celebrated.”

The planned festival, which will completely replace Caribana, will feature events such as the Permit Patty Parade, a BBQ Becky Block-Party (featuring low-sodium potato salad with raisins) and a White People Telling One Another They Just Don’t Like Loud Music, That’s All event featuring Kid Rock and Skrillex.

“There are countless massive outdoor festivals that sweep through the streets of Toronto every year,” explained Garland, “but for some reason that I don’t feel like thinking about, Caribana seems to be the most popular one to complain about. Instead of trying to guess why that might be, I figured ‘Why don’t we celebrate our proud history of trying to get things shut down with noise complaints by shutting down an entire Carnival?’”

The festival will take place in the middle of Rosedale, but will have satellite events in Forest Hill, The Beaches and North York. Buzz is already building, and organizers expect to sell a number of tickets outside Indigo and Abercrombie & Fitch stores in the coming weeks.