Pheonix Jones is a real-life superhero that patrols the streets of Seattle at night gettin' his crime-bust on (also, tights). Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, he would look better without the tablecloth cape and athletic shorts. Yow yow -- take it off! *penis hits the pavement* Put it back on, put it back on!

Phoenix patrols Seattle's Capitol Hill neighborhood every week- stopping fights, feeding the homeless and helping folks who have run out of gas.

Unlike most movie superheroes, Phoenix doesn't have any super powers and he doesn't need them. He is made of flesh and blood and has gotten hurt. He deals with real criminals and puts his life in danger nightly. The group includes Phoenix Jones, Buster Doe, Thorn, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope. It takes a lot of tools to be a good superhero, and Phoenix has a lot of them. He carries a taser nightstick, a net gun and a grappling hook. (Though he says the net gun and grappling hook are not very effective. The grappling hook was unable to support his body.) But he does not carry a gun or knife.

First of all, a superhero with no superpowers is just a crimefighter who likes to cosplay. FACT! Secondly, a grappling hook that's unable to support your body isn't a grappling hook, it's spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair just waiting to happen. MEDICAL FACT! Thirdly, good job, Pheonix -- if there were more people like you maybe society could be reborn -- like your namesake rising from the ashes. MYTHICAL TIE-IN FACT! I'm off to get drunk. FACTIEST FACT EVER FACTED!

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures and a news report video.

Phoenix Jones: Real Life Superhero [komonews] (longer article, worth reading if you're interested)

and

Youtube

Thanks to Casey and Bradley B, who fight crime the old-fashioned way: with sticks and rocks. Jesus, at least upgrade to metal pipes or something!