So this Internet Archive site has re-released all your favorite computer games. From Oregon Trail to Kings Quest to Indiana Jones to Maniac Mansion, they’ve got em all. And obviously the crown jewel of them all is the Oregon Trail. Particularly Oregon Trail Deluxe. Thats the one I mostly grew up on. So I figured its high time that Barstool Sports hops in a Conestoga Wagon and hits the trail

Obviously I’m being a banker. Gimme that honest coin money, son. Fuck the triple points at the end for being a teacher. Teachers are losers. Blacksmith is also an acceptable profession because thats also bad ass.

Hi, Matt! How about you give me everything in your fucking store! I’m rich, bitch! I got oxen on oxen on oxen. Threads for days. Enough bullets to fight a World War. I dont even know what a fucking wagon tongue is, but guess what? I’ve got three of em. And 12 bucks to spare.

I like a challenge. Lets start in the dog days of Summer and we aint trying to dilly dally. I dont wanna be in this wagon with Portnoy any longer than I gotta be, Grueling pace it is.

Oh, hello, Kansas River. I’m about to make you my bitch:

Part of the Bad Boy Life is fording rivers. I only got 12 bucks so I aint paying for some bitch ass ferry. And if you think I’m gonna take the time to caulk my shit up and float you’re outside of your mind. Ford that shit…

Just part of life on the Oregon Trail. Wet supplies. Luckily I bought the entire fucking General Store. Lets let our shit dry and talk with the locals a little bit:

Hey there Injun Joe! Calm the fuck down! I dont know what sort of Redskin beef you guys have but dont even fucking MENTION killing a white man to me. Shouldnt you be on the Trail of Tears right now? But I give you my white man promise, I’ll leave you alone and I’ll leave you buffalo alone…

Its a massacre! A bloodbath! Almost 3,000 pounds of buffalo meat! Take 200 with me and leave the other 2500 on the trail. It ain’t trickin if ya got it. Back to the trail…

Lost the trail for 3 goddam days and then a fire pretty much wiped me the FUCK out. Almost all my food gone, all my bullets gone, 2 axels sheets. Time to downgrade to Steady Pace and separate the men from the boys:

Oh well would you look at that. Lady Feitelberg has a fever. Boo hoo! Poor Feits! Do you want me to get you some Robitussin? Maybe some Vix Vaporub and some antibiotics? Guess what motherfucker? Its EIGHTEN FORTY EIGHT. Rub some dirt on it, get healthy, or die. We dont need no dead weight:

Rest in peace you little bitch.

Quick pit stop to rest and do some trading. Probably should be looking for bullets or food given the disaster I just had but Cash Rules Everything Around Me

Broke ass bitch. You must be a teacher or a farmer. Get on my Banker level like Abraham Lincoln over here:

IDIOT! Oxen are 20 bucks at the General Store. Just profited 40 bones off this dumb ass at Fort Laramie. Hit the road with 40 dollars in my pocket and 3 less oxen.(PS – where the fuck do you keep all the oxen? I started with TWENTY. How the fuck do you travel with 20 oxen?) Anyway, got some good news and some bad news. Good news is we reached Independence Rock. Bad news is Big Cat was bitten by a snake.

Classic Big Cat. $40 says Portnoy said he couldn’t catch a snake with his bare hands and Big Cat couldnt resist the challenge. Snaketrapped him. Eight days later Big Cat is dead.

And to add insult to injury, we’re getting fucking robbed:

.

I got no food, no water, my people’s HEADS ARE FALLING OFF. I stop once again to trade with Abraham Lincoln, this time I’m looking for food:

Hey moron, why would I trade 1 oxen for 50 pounds of food when I can just eat my oxen? An ox has gotta give you more than 50 pounds of meat. Idiot. Things are getting bad. 2 members dead and we’re eating our animals when lo and behold the most predictable thing of all time happens on the Barstool Oregon Trail:

Pres is suffering from exhaustion. I even rested for 3 days to avoid this, but it was inevitable. He blamed “bad water.” He blamed “wild fruit.” He even blamed his bad shoulder. This is the fucking Oregon Trail, Portnoy. Of COURSE you’re Exhausted. You think anybody travels from Missouri to the goddam Pacific Ocean and feels bright eyed and bushy tailed? We’re all tired here. Sack up or die.

Three days later Pres is dead. Looks like its down to me and KMarko to finish this jour…oh what the FUCK:

Am I the only one with a fucking immune system on this trail?

Rough week for Team Barstool. 2 deaths in a week and I dont think the oxen have eaten grass in about a month. Put the pace on Grueling because we gotta make it to the next landmark ASAP. Snake River stands between me and the next Fort. And you know what that means. Bad Boy of the Oregon Trail time:

I dont care if its 400 feet wide and 20 feet deep. I aint paying for the ferry like a nancy and I aint got time to caulk. Ford it.

19 oxen dead and Team Barstool is eternal sheets before we even made it to the Green River crossing. Good news is nobody got dysentery or typhoid. Bad news is everybody was either a pussy with their fevers or an idiot playing with snakes. At least I went out like a hero drowning with 19 other ox.