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Mayhem in the suburbs, training manuals I am in, a DickHead goes to Washington, email threats, Liarexia, I bring in a stats, those stupid chips on new credit cards, Liquor Event Horizon, comedian Justin Rupple, Vince Vaughn gives Maddox a pep talk about his dying brand, the many ways women steal your food, the first and second and forth amendment, an erotic story from Trump’s America, a flood of failure, Kiwi Farms shuts down, Dustin vs. Joel Chaco, the greatest and most accurate voicemail ever sent in, Lettuce Jones calls in from jail, I ask Larry what gross thing I did to him, and Slavic women and their tig ol’ biddies; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

In this episode, I talk about those little computer chips in credit cards that appeared everywhere overnight like a fresh morning dew, and then started kicking us in our balls and taking dumps in our mouths like a fresh morning German Scheisse Video. I hate these stupid chips. If the Biggest Problem was still running, I would bring them in twice every week. I might end up at the next Women’s March just to protest these goddamn things–since the whole thing looks like an annoyance pot luck. I could teach a college curriculum on how much I hate these little credit card chips and I don’t mean just one class, I mean an entire degree program which you would graduate with a degree arguably more valuable than the ones currently available. One day, everything will be so riddled with convenience and security you won’t be able to take a shit without plugging in a dongle. But first…

Has this ever happened to you? You’re minding your own business eating a dessert or some french fries–that you ordered for yourself, when out of nowhere, you hear a chilling whisper, “Can I have a bite of that?” Before you can respond, the talons of a harpy descend from the shadows and claw at your food, taking all the best bites and fucking up the whole story of your meal, cutting the second act of your french fries off at the knee caps and leaving you in a state of panic. Are the rest of my friends safe?

Food Theft, also known as “Dating”, affects all men on Earth all the time. It happens to me, it happens to Sean probably, and it happens to guys like Justin Rupple, a comedian and an impressionist who recently won Dana Carvey’s First Impression contest and TV show. Justin stops by the DickHaus to show off his stuff and tell us what makes him a rage.

As far as Food Theft and French Fry Stealing goes, I don’t know how to stop it. Maybe the solution is to get a fake basket of fries with some crumbs in it, and put that next to your actual fries, or maybe I am a fucking idiot.

And now here’s a meal you can share with your friends; a heaping helping of rage. And a side of rage-fueled math that I unleash to prove just how badly everyone is getting buttfucked by one of the most hated industries on the planet: credit card companies. The best math is always done in anger. In fact, relativity was discovered because Einstein punched a guy so hard, he travelled through time. Note: there are probably some ALTERNATIVE FACTS out there to contradict the ones I’m giving, but I bet my reality is close, and everyone knows close counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and trying to figure out just how badly someone fucking you in the ass.

Amount of Credit Card Fraud:

5 trillion yearly credit card spend in the US.

.04% fraud rate

= $2 billion in fraud

Time Wasted With the Stupid Chip:

10 seconds per transaction

2 transactions a day

= 2 hours a year

x 170 million credit card holders in the US

= 340 million man hours wasted

Fucked in the Ass:

$2 billion / 340 million man hours = $5 an hour

That’s how much your time is worth to be a security guard for the credit card companies. I wish I was a sophomore in college again so I enjoy Fight Club’s vengeful destruction of credit card companies all over again, and still be blissfully unaware of the movie’s homoerotic undertones. I don’t want to get off topic here, but this kind of transactional bullshit is exactly why Libertarians have always advocated for carrying little pieces of gold and dried mutton around in our pockets to pay for everything in an untraceable way like you’re in some kind of a mythical troll in a fucking video game. And speaking of trolls…

On the day that Trump was sworn into the presidency, I set an alarm so I could wake up and start drinking on Eastern Time–like I always do on big days. However, I wouldn’t need that alarm, because somewhere around seven in the morning, my phone started blowing up with a dozen versions of the following:

“Is there a DickHead on Fox News?”

“Holy shit your shirt is on TV!”

“Hey Dick, thank God I have this huge TV or else I wouldn’t be able to see your small face at the Trump Inauguration, you fucking idiot!”

Said DickHead Samuel calls in to tell the tale behind this very special picture, one that ends in him horning in and capturing on a rare selfie: the News Selfie, after being given explicit instructions not to hold my book up on camera because it would ruin Fox’s personal and professional reputation. Even after all these years, I’m still too hot for TV.

Read Samuel’s story here. It will give you a sense of pride.

On Reddit

Finally, it’s the Rage Match of the century as Joel Chaco squares off against Dustin Siniawa, Chief of the Dickheads on Facebook to see who will go up against undefeated Rage Match champion Izzy Nobre. Who will it be? That’s up to you. Vote now.

Lakembra’s incredible cover of DickTales by Chris Strand.



Outro theme you can farm ass to, Dick with Reggae by Todd Seidel.



Friggin Fan Art!



Swoon over the thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



Be like Samuel, get a DICK SHOW SHIRT



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