I was asked to write a piece on my coming-out story. Why? It was National Coming-Out Day and I had just spent a good 30 minutes on an Instagram post that my declining 1400 followers and I would cherish for the rest of our prestigious lives. Now, I don't consider myself a writer-writer but I am an actor. So naturally when a friend asked me to write something for Hapa Mag I thought, “Ooh! Something that'll make people in my hometown think I'm actually doing something with my life.” Done deal.

Then, a dilemma. A coming-out story. My coming-out story. Another f*cking coming-out story? Another skinny twink (straight people: Google it, but don’t click on Images) who grew up singing showtunes for his mom in a makeshift t-shirt dress, who dressed up as Nala for Halloween and was scared of sports and all the balls they had to offer. So what makes my story different? Why is my perspective unique? I dunno, maybe it’s not, I'm literally typing this as I speak aloud alone in my apartment. So let’s find out if me and my gayness are special.

*Cue 90s grunge “Friends” sitcom transition music.*

I always knew I wasn't straight, but I didn't know I was gay until 7th grade when a frosted-tipped kid named Nick bullied me with the term. He had to explain what it meant, on account of seeing me not hurt but confused. “It’s when dudes like other dudes!” To which I replied, “Oh, yeah that makes sense.” He then pushed me into a bush. Nick was clearly obsessed with me. The next five years would consist of heavy textbooks hiding boners, wearing two pairs of underwear to hide boners, and wondering why the all-school announcement that a grizzly bear just attacked a kid outside and now the school is on lockdown just gave me a boner. Ya know, kid stuff. Eventually I went to college and literally nothing changed, not even the bears.

Here’s a dumb thing to say only because it’s painfully obvious: we’re all scared to come out, in any sense of the term. There’s a fear of not being accepted, being harshly judged and even losing a relationship. That was my nightmare. I stayed in the closet all throughout high school and into college. By then my big brother had already come out himself and seemed to be doing fine from what I saw. But of course we all think we’re the exception, so that didn't change my outlook at all.

When you’re young and closeted, that fear of your secret getting revealed is always at the forefront of your mind. Before every action and word I made, my first thought was always, “Will this make me seem gay?” It consumes you despite your conscience being like, “Troy, no one is going to think you’re gay for ordering the burger, just Nike it up and do it.” And then you proceed to frolic to the counter and whip out your velcro Billabong wallet.