Theresa May recounts the moment she tried to canvas two people having sex in a caravan Theresa May is not Westminster’s biggest personality. You only need to ask her to find that out: on Wednesday night, […]

Theresa May is not Westminster’s biggest personality. You only need to ask her to find that out: on Wednesday night, at the Westminster Correspondents Dinner, it was the first thing she said.

“I am, of course, absolutely delighted to be here,” she began. ”Because after all, what says ‘Theresa May’ more than a comic speech at a boozy dinner for a room full of journalists? I feel right at home.” The i politics newsletter cut through the noise Email address is invalid Email address is invalid Thank you for subscribing! Sorry, there was a problem with your subscription.

Well quite. But May- or at least the writer of her comedy set- was actually on fire during her speech for a collection of MPs, aides and Westminster reporters at One Great George Street.

Few were spared in her speech: David Cameron’s wheelie shed was roundly mocked, Culture Secretary Matt Hancock’s self-titled app was pilloried (he “only talks to me now by way of alarming iPhone notifications,” she said) and then the big guns got read for filth. Suggesting what other MP’s apps might look like, Boris Johnson’s was erudite but ‘contained some adult content’, Philip Hammond’s would be “a drier, less frivolous version of LinkedIn,” and she suggested another that would give you GPS directions to nearby wheat fields and Priti Patel’s location while flying.

Deep and special partnerships

But perhaps the weirdest moment- or, at least, the most autobiographical joke of the whole set- came when Theresa May explained one of her oddest moments on an (altogether absurdist) campaign trail for the 2017 General Election.

“I was at the open door of a caravan and there was clearly some activity within, so I duly knocked. No answer — but the activity persisted. It looked like there was someone lying down. I knocked again, and put my head around the door. There was someone lying down. In fact, two people were lying down. And it wasn’t a good time to ask them if they were going to vote Conservative,” she said. “They were giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘deep and special partnership.’ “I’m used to hearing moans on the doorstep, but this was something else.”

The Isle of May

Once you’ve cleared the multiple images that conjures out of your head, Theresa May also made sure to mock Labour soundly too (although, of course, you can see her particular brand of Labour roast every Wednesday in the House of Commons).

If Labour wins at the next election, she said, “I’d be breaking rocks in John McDonnell’s re-education camp on the Isle of Man. “But of course Jeremy Hunt would still be health secretary, obviously.”

Some of Theresa May’s best jokes from Wednesday night

On David Cameron: The weather has been so bad in West Oxfordshire that sadly David couldn’t make it in – he’s snowed into his wheelie-shed.

On Amber Rudd: I was able to catch up with David over the phone though and, as ever, he had some excellent advice. ‘Don’t worry about Boris. ‘Don’t worry about your Chancellor. ‘Worry about ambitious, female, Home Secretaries.’ Lovely to see you here tonight, Amber!

On her love of public speaking: Last year, I was looking forward to this event so much that I called a general election to get out of it.

On the Culture Secretary: So enthusiastic is he for the UK’s digital future, Matt Hancock has now transcended into a higher state of existence, thrown off the surly bonds of flesh and blood, and actually now is an app.

On the leader of the opposition: Last year cinema-goers were wowed by a brilliant film from the makers of The Thick of It and Veep, called The Death of Stalin. It told the story of an ageing Socialist demagogue who maintains his power through a sinister personality cult, re-writing history, and crushing all internal dissent. And I know we’re all very sad that Jeremy Corbyn can’t be with us tonight.