OUT with the old and in with the new – except for viewers in Scotland.

That was the dreaded phrase which meant we were being denied the Hollywood blockbuster that evening. Instead we’d get some parochial show which ticked the boxes on a TV executive’s list of Required Scottishness. It was depressing: Youse willnae want the big fillums so here’s some Dotaman.

Thankfully, modern TV has eradicated that approach. If we don’t like the infamous “regional variations” we can easily skip them and tune into the English version of the BBC, or scroll through hundreds of satellite channels where we can choose from the glamorous, the obscure, the ridiculous or the horribly X-rated.

Scotland can produce quality drama and comedy but if they don’t take your fancy then your viewing is no longer determined by geography. We’ve been liberated by technology from anything twee or provincial except for one particular night of the year: Hogmanay. On this night, Scottish TV is reeled back in time to something embarrassingly insular; back to the days when fun was happening everywhere – except for viewers in Scotland.

It’s clear tonight’s New Year celebrations are not new. BBC1 (for viewers in Scotland) has Jackie Bird and there’ll be birlin’ ceilidhs and foot-tappin’ fiddlers in a hideous tartan parody of Scottishness. Might her guests inject new life into this silly shindig? Hardly. She’ll be joined by The Bay City Rollers plus Phil Cunningham and Aly Bain. Their collective age is a number so high you’d need special equations to properly determine it. Join these tired people with their frenzied smiles and sing the same old songs, trapped forever in the BBC’s tartan Twilight Zone.

Incredibly, STV’s Hogmanay is worse. They are offering something which resembles a terrible dream, something to be recounted as you sit at the breakfast table, one hand gripping your hair and the other kneading the folds of your dressing gown: I dreamt I was trapped in this living room in the 1970s. Everything was dingy and old-fashioned and wherever I looked there were wally dugs. Wally dugs and Madeira cake! Then Nicola Sturgeon came in and we reminisced about steak pie, just the way mammy used to make it. I knew it was a dream, but I just couldn’t wake up!

Does hating all of this mean I’m suffering from a tremendous Scottish cringe? Not at all. I assure you that tartan only horrifies me on Hogmanay. I don’t resent these symbols of Scotland, I just hate when they’re packaged and broadcast to the world as a representation of Scotland. We are not so homely and insular that we’re all birlin’ around the living room, splashing whisky on the wallpaper and hollering "WHA’S LIKE US?", but anyone tuning in could be forgiven for thinking so. I’m switching off, so what might I find on the other channels at New Year?

England’s approach to the Bells is far more plain and sensible, and ITV in particular is delightfully sparse. Consider its listless midnight listing: “The headlines followed by Big Ben”. There’s no special programming, and you certainly won’t see the Prime Minister snuggling on a sofa with Parky to discuss his mammy’s Madeira cake.

ITV’s approach might be too austere for some, and so German TV might be a better prospect. They have the correct balance between the trendy and the traditional. Wilkommen 2016 (ZDF) and Silvesterfeuerwerk vom Brandenburger Tor (Das Erste) both present the midnight countdown plus live music and fireworks from the Brandenburg Gate, but next to such traditional broadcasts there is room for some cult TV. The infamous German sense of humour steps forward with an old black-and-white comedy sketch called Dinner For One, which has been a German New Year staple for decades. Performed in English by two elderly British actors, it’s about a grand old woman who has outlived all her friends but still hosts a yearly dinner for them with her tipsy butler. This old sketch from the 1960s is an essential part of German New Year television, and has also become a cult classic in Finland, Estonia, Lithuania and Austria, and its influence is such that lines of dialogue are frequently quoted in the media or adverts, particularly “same procedure as every year”.

If Germany is enjoying inexplicable humour and the majesty of the Brandenburg Gate, then France’s New Year TV plays to its own glorious national stereotype by offering Le Grand Cabaret (France2), featuring acrobats, salsa and clowns, and Tous Est Permi (TFI) which has film-star guests and Moulin Rouge dancers. La Belle France offers glamour and style, with not a stodgy steak pie in sight.

Stateside, Fox News presents its All-American New Year featuring Donald Trump and his unsettling resolutions for 2016, but if you’d prefer something less frightening then there are live broadcasts on CNN and ABC from Times Square where the crowds gather to watch the ball drop. Meanwhile, sunny fun-loving Australia has its Australia Wide Party (ABC), where they delight in being one of the first nations to welcome the New Year with spectacular fireworks over Sydney Harbour.

Many countries use their New Year TV as a showcase of their culture, whereas we use ours to wrap ourselves in a tartan bow and pat ourselves on the back. A country aiming at independence shouldn’t be projecting such an insular image. Maybe in an independent Scotland there’d be no need to so forcefully declare this imagined collective identity.

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