DISMAL festive recipes that you will never make, with the emphasis on low cost, political cant and pervasive gloom.

Teary Hair (left wing)

Ingredients –

Hair (0p)

Tears (0p)

Instructions –

Tear out clumps of your hair in frustration that the bastard Tories stopped your benny.

Put the hair in a chipped, dirty little bowl that you found on the street.

Cry into the bowl, because you are sad and poor, like everyone living under capitalism.

Cry, cry for hours.

Stir the hair and tears together with your thin malnourished finger.

Eat the resulting teary hair.

Warm Hand (right wing)

Ingredients –

Hand (0p)

Instructions –

Its common sense really. Cant anyone do anything for themselves these days? For Christs sake.

Remove any excess hair from your hand. Make sure to do it properly, not all slapdash like foreigners and the young.

Turn on an oven ring while feeling angry about the lack of grammar schools and, for that matter, proper grammar. Especially apostrophes.

Place hand on oven ring until it starts to smell a bit like bacon.

Remove hand from oven ring.

Leave hand to cool and then eat, feeling pleased with your own canny self-sufficiency – that bulldog quality which saw Britain through two World Wars.

Go to hospital.