Ah, the holidays are here! Christmas music on the radio and the in the mall. Festive lights everywhere. Santa Claus and nativity displays on every corner. But yet, my rear end keeps expanding and the stress levels are higher than Dave Chappelle’s crackhead alter ego: Tyrone Biggum.

As a typical introvert, I sometimes don’t like hanging out in large groups of people when I’m stressed. It’s the end of the year, deadlines are looming, personal commitments are piling up, everyone wants a piece of you, and the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t until January.

The weather outside is frightful and I am simply not spending enough time in front of that delightful fire

My preference would be to slip into some sweatpants, make some popcorn and finally get around to finishing Mad Men on Netflix, which I’ve been watching for a year or longer…it’s blasphemy, I know, when you can binge a season of anything in a weekend if you’re committed. But Mad Men is very difficult to commit to. Ya know, like Don Draper trying to commit to his wives. *whisper* He can’t!

Oh, SNAP!

In case you’re not a watcher of the show, this image shows Draper (the biggest ‘ho on Madison Ave) in an elevator with his mistress who has decided to stop seeing him and work on her marriage. But he’s still really into her and now they are alone in the sex elevator trying to not molest each other. AWKWARD!

The main reason I don’t really enjoy holiday parties is that super invasive conversations are started by people who should mind their own damn business but the filter conveniently stops working right around December

If you are single, when are you going to find a boyfriend/girlfriend?

If you’re dating, when are you two lovebirds going to settle down?

If you’re married, when are you going to have babies?

If you have tried having babies but aren’t successful, how about adoption or IVF?

If you don’t want babies at all, it’s ok! You’re still young and will change your mind.

If you have babies, are you done having them?

If you are done having children, are you getting a vasectomy/tubal ligation?

I’ve gained so much weight over Christmas, I’m going to start the diet in the new year for sure. How about you? *judges you as you reach for another gingerbread cookie*

If you’re vegan, vegetarian, gluten intolerant, basically following any special lifestyle diet: good for you! I could never do that! I love high cholesterol and intestinal damage way too much.

*snicker* I inserted that last sarcastic sentence myself.

ARGH!!

I’m not angel, and I’m sure that I’ve brought up each of these topics in the past at some point or another just trying to make friendly conversation without realizing the problem. It’s just so common in our culture that we forget how insensitive these questions actually are. I hope that if you hear me spouting this crap again, please tell me to STFU or walk away. Permission granted!

So how does an introvert survive the holidays without murdering everyone at the soiree?

Here are five helpful tips to keep those anxious screams internal:

Smile like God is watching you. Because he or she is. And killing people is bad. Oh geez, I’m going to end up killing someone, aren’t I? Positive affirmations such as: I like everyone at this party, especially when the vino is flowing!

The token biggot is not saying anything offensive today. Yey!

If I eat the food, I don’t have to make dinner myself and it’s free. Score!

Everyone’s wearing the most hilarious ugly sweaters. Woohoo! Drink delicious spiked egg nog. Lots of it! I’d rather be known as a drunk than a serial killer. And if you’re feeling particularly ragey, add more rum! Hang out with people who are equally socially awkward so that you have something in common. Discuss, at length, all the Netflix shows you could be watching right now. Run to the washroom lots and imply that you are having stomach issues. This way people won’t come looking for you when you disappear to hang with the pets in the basement until this thing is over. Hanging with animals is way more fun than conversing with humans. Amirite??

And if you are the host of the soiree…well, save some ‘nog for later. You’re going to need it!

I’m sure there are a ton more tips out there to help you survive the holidays. If you have any helpful suggestions, please leave a comment below!