Insane Clown Posse Announce Inaugural “Distancing of the Juggalos”

DETROIT — Citing growing health concerns, Insane Clown Posse’s Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J announced yesterday the first ever “Distancing Of The Juggalos” festival for later this year, multiple assed-out, hatchet-wielding sources confirmed.

“This singular pandemic moment requires exceptional tenacity and discipline, as well as novel and innovative solutions. Therefore, as much as we know all y’all ninjas love going buckwild, hurling bags of crap at each other and rolling around in the mud with the Family n’ shit, we’re calling on all our global network of Juggalos and Juggalettes to do the responsible thing during this unprecedented and potentially cata-muthafuckin-clysmic time,” said Violent J from atop a Faygo truck. “If we can all come together by staying apart, we know the ‘Distancing of the Juggalos’ can and will be every bit as dope as any Gathering. Whoop whoop, cut a motherfucker’s head off, and so on.”

Though the announcement has been met with shock within the Juggalo community, the response of the general public has been overwhelmingly positive.

“They’ve never really seemed to care about personal hygiene before, but we’ll take what we can get,” said local shopkeeper Edna Herscher. “They seem nice enough for the most part, but for years they’ve been spraying soda all over my store, frightening my other customers by hollering ‘WHOOP WHOOP!’ at the top of their lungs and fornicating in the back by my beer coolers. Personally, I think the community at large is more than a little ready for a little distancing from the Juggalos.”

Although many Juggalos and Juggalettes worldwide are struggling to come to grips with the shocking announcement, some Dark Carnival scholars have pointed to the Distancing as fulfillment of a prophecy foretold in a series of ICP albums known in certain theological circles as “the Two Joker’s Card Decks.”

“As per the dictates of the mo’fuckin’scripture put forth on the Fourth Joker’s Card of the First Deck, it’s clear that the Distancing represents the seemingly paradoxical way that all the ninjas worldwide must come together to stand fast against this virus — which is obviously just an avatar of the Great Milenko, who has been trying since time immemorail to trick Juggalos into giving into our wanton hedonism n’ shit,” said Douglas “Dogdick Doug” Sinclair, a preeminent Dark Carnival theologian and Gamestop employee. “Clown love to all.”

Doctors suspect the Distancing will decrease the nation’s glue sniffing overdoses, accidental deaths by stumbling off the Drug Bridge, and fingers blown off by fireworks tenfold this year.