Discovery

SCP-4492 was discovered in Eleva, Wisconsin after a substantial amount of reports concerning a putrid scent surrounding the Sunview Residence property. Following a short investigation, the homeowner, Emma Tannen, a known employee of GoI-333 "Peculiar Post", was taken into Foundation custody, and SCP-4492 was confiscated from their residence.

After initial testing of SCP-4492's properties, Dr. Noah Addams conducted an interview with Emma Tannen. Following the interview, Emma Tannen was amnestized and released from Foundation custody.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Noah Addams: So, Ms. Tannen, would you be able to tell me a bit about your umbrella?

Emma Tannen: God, I could tell you an absurd amount of things about it. Be more specific; faster I can get out of here, the faster I can go home.

Dr. Addams: Alright then… what was your purpose in creating it?

Tannen sits back in their chair, laughing for a moment.

Tannen: Okay, buckle up, this is gonna be a long story. So, I'm a journalist at the Peculiar Post. Sure you know all about us, right?

Dr. Addams nods.

Tannen: Good, good. Well, our boss, eh, Boss, has eyes everywhere. It's why he was able to get so many juicy stories that kickstarted the company. But recently he's been… kind of a jerk. He's actively shooting down company drama, which is good, but he's also been really strange about bathroom breaks. There's this saying or meme or whatever, and it goes: 'boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop, on company time.' Well, he's started to go on complete rampages on people who try to do that. That's when folks started thinking: what if he's watching the bathrooms? Watching us piss and shit and—

Dr. Addams: No need to be so vulgar, Ms. Tannen.

Tannen glares at Dr. Addams.

Tannen: Just- ugh, just let me tell my story. Anyways, everyone was worried he was peeping on us while we were going to the bathroom. The prospect of someone watching me wipe my ass wasn't exactly appealing, so I made the umbrella. That way, I don't even have to sit down on the toilet! I'm a complete genius, eh?

Dr. Addams: Are you aware of the fact that we discovered you due to the 'pungent odor of feces' surrounding your house?

Tannen suddenly frowns, then shakes their head.

Tannen: I, uh, may have ended up using it at home a bit too much… What can I say, it's very convenient! I've saved so much money by not having to buy toilet paper.

Dr. Addams: Alright. Well… we have one more question. Why an umbrella?

Tannen's face contorts in confusion for a moment.

Tannen: Well, uh, why not an umbrella? And, um… oh shit, right— if I'm going to leave my house right after going to the bathroom, I don't want to be rained upon by my own excrement.

Several seconds of silence pass.

Tannen: That was bullshit, by the way.

Dr. Addams: I could tell, Ms. Tannen. Thank you for your cooperation.