WASHINGTON—Stating that the new system is pursuant with the regulations laid out by the Affordable Care Act, the White House announced Friday that the government’s health insurance exchanges would now only be accessible from a single kiosk in a remote Iowa cornfield. “All Americans wishing to sign up for health insurance through the marketplace will now be able to do so by accessing a terminal conveniently located in the middle of a 60-acre cornfield just two hours North of Des Moines,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that the lone kiosk, which stands among the tall corn stalks about 2,000 yards off an unmarked road, would be open weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. during the shortened enrollment period for anyone seeking to procure health coverage for 2018. “One kiosk centrally located in the United States will streamline the process of accessing the marketplace while also cutting costs. In just 135 paces northeast from the old tree stump in the middle of the field, you’ll be able to peruse the insurance options available for you and your family, except between noon and 3 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays when the system undergoes scheduled maintenance. We recommend signing up early for those who live out of state as flights to Des Moines are limited.” At press time, sources confirmed that the new health exchange kiosk was currently out of order after being run over by a combine harvester.

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