Here’s my TLDR Sass style open letter to my camp mates and other fools that are going to Burning Man. Nothing to see here people, carry on. Seriously though, have these conversations now before the Playa because I can only sass so many bitches in a week.

We’re all about to spend a week living together in the coolest city in the galaxy. Here’s some shit I might tell you if I had more than half a soul and wasn’t so busy talking shit all the time…..

Photo by Nate Miller

Burning Man Sucks: So it’s hot and dirty and you’re hung over and you haven’t slept in two days and your feet hurt and you just wanna go home because all your camp mates are dicks. Yup Burning Man sucks sometimes. This is ok it happens to everyone. It’s usually happens to me on Wednesday. It’s ok to need a minute and some TLC.

Be that Guy: If shit gets rough for a camp mate (and it will) be that guy! Be the guy that says “Hey can I get you some ice water? Chill out in front of this fan with the mist bottle for a bit.” Be the guy that makes the first pot of coffee. Be the guy that puts more beer in the ice chest. Be the guy that picks up moop, has an extra sweater, a cold beer, a good joke, and most of all be that guy that can give 5 feet when someone needs some space. Be the guy that has everyones back. Let’s go for 100% participation in “being that guy”.

Ask for help: When Burning Man sucks and you’re having a hard time being that guy ask for help! Is you cooler too heavy? Do you need a snack? Is some creepy dude making you uncomfortable? Seriously, ask for help. We all need help sometimes and there’s a camp full of people that have your back.

Photo by Nate Miller.

So you got jokes?: There are some pretty nasty people in this city (myself included). At some point someone will be offended. The thing about jokes is that they’re just words. Cut each other some slack. We all say some stupid shit sometimes and the Playa makes people more ridiculous. People say things that they don’t mean and make jokes about shit that is not ok, sometimes I even say shit so awful that I’m offended when it comes out of my mouth. If someone’s really bothering you speak up, take a walk, make a banging their mom joke. Don’t hate them forever, that would be sad.

Consent: Despite the many terrible jokes that I’m sure will be made, consent is super important! What is consent? Participation! Participation includes positive cues like saying “Yes!”, pleasurable moaning, happy laughter, asking for more, and leading you into a dark tent or well lit orgy dome. How can you be sure someone is giving consent? Ask them! You can be 100% sure your partner consents if they say “Yes!”. If you’re not sure it’s a yes then it’s a no. Have a safe word! You can stop consenting whenever you feel like it, have a safe word and use it, personally I like the safe word “no”, it works for me. People can say no in many different ways~ yelling “NO” is a always a good one, awkward grimaces, uncomfortable laughter, squirming away, and leaving are all signs that you don’t have consent. Should you ask again just to be sure? Nope that’s just creepy. If the person wants to consent later they can ask you and you can give consent! Be the guy that gets consent! The following things don’t count as consent: being too drunk to say no, sleeping, trying to get away, and “the soft no”. Help stop rape, consent!! It’s really important to give consent as well as ask for it. Use you words to say yes or no, don’t give “soft no’s” be loud and clear if you want it, or not, it’s really up to you. Ask for help if you need it! If you think someone can’t give consent be the guy that helps them out! Stick up for them, walk them home, be the anti-rape! Let’s have 100% participation in consent and a zero tolerance policy for non-consent!

Photo by Nate Miller

Break down: So the Burn’s over and it’s time to leave. Break down is the shittiest part of burning man, it fucking sucks. Everyone is tired and sad and all your friends are going home. So you throw all your trash in the burn barrel, put you pee jug next to the trash pile, hop in your car and head back to Reno to catch the show at GSR and catch your plane on Monday muttering “peace out bitches” under your breath as you leave, right?! NOPE. That is not what you do. That would make you a giant fucking asshole. Who cleans up, breaks down camp, and loads the truck? Everyone. More often than not the same people going home in the truck are the same ones that went early to build camp. They’ve been on playa longer and worked hard. If you leave your pee jug/broken tent/burning trash for them to clean up they contemplate suicide, trust me I’ve been there. Every single person needs to help with load out and walk the grid for moop.

Fatal flaws: We’ve all got a fatal flaw. Before you lose your shit all over someone or cry your eyes out because your fatal flaw screwed up your burn, ask yourself: “Does my inner child need a hug?” and “Does my friends inner child need a hug?” Just kidding, that would be stupid. Your inner child probably needs to be slapped! Really though, cut yourself and everyone else some slack, it’s fucking burning man for christs sake! Are you wondering what my fatal flaw is right now? I’ll just tell you, it’s honesty. I bet you’re thinking “you stupid twat, honesty isn’t a fatal flaw”, well guess what? I don’t give a fuck what you think.