This madness has to stop.

When it comes to having children, you’d assume people wouldn't give a damn about what others do with their reproductive loins. After all, the number of women who chose to skip motherhood has doubled since 1970. Now, researchers have found that not only are people enraged by women who are non-parents, but they perceive them as being morally in the wrong and plain abnormal.

Harsh.

I experienced this rage first-hand when my barren womb became a national talking point. I’d written a news.com.au story about my journey to acceptance that I wasn’t going to have a family.

I’d written it to give women in the grip of baby panic, a glimpse from the other side and reaffirm that if you don’t have children, life does have the capacity to turn out okay. Happy, adventurous, sexy, fun, awesome, even! I hoped the takeaway would be people without kids love children (I’m an aunty to numerous biological and non-biologically connected young people, and I write novels for kids), child-free people respect parents and the job they do, some people don’t respect child-free people, and ultimately, life is what you make it.

60sec of pregnancy real talk. Preach! 60sec of pregnancy real talk. Preach!

However, judging by many of the thousands of comments the story generated, a lot of people weren’t happy that things turned out okay for me. I had comments saying I was too ugly to have children, that my genes ended up in a cul-de-sac, I was full of myself and that there was no way I could be happy with my choice because children are so frigging fantastic when they snuggle you on Sunday mornings.

Neglecting the less positive aspects of parenting such as kids throwing up in their beds at 4 am in winter, draining your wallet and your patience, and the dreaded school run.

'Desperate and destroying genes'

It was pretty vitriolic. Here’s just a taste. “Kind of selfish really,” said one female commentator. “Our kids will be responsible for her upkeep come the twilight years. Choosing not to have kids is nothing to be proud of or crow about. I think she’s desperate for the opportunity and going public is her way to mask her state of denial. She needs to hear from those who feel the same to make it through a childless year.”

Or this one, ‘Oh well enjoy destroying the family genes. Softie. Taking the easy road out.’ Thankfully my brother Dan took on the mantle and saved the Barr family line, with four kids of his own. Phew! Cheers, Bro! I owe you for giving me my beautiful nieces and nephews to love and adore. The future Barr progeny thank you too.

"Moral outrage"

While I didn’t take such comments too personally because of a: these people don’t know me or my life, and b: I’m a big girl who wears expensive big girl knickers and takes responsibility for her life choices. However, it turns out this attitude is pretty persuasive.

The aforementioned study, published in Sex Roles: A Journal Of Research, found that participants perceived voluntarily child-free male and female subjects to be "significantly less psychologically fulfilled than targets with two children, and also reported, they had "significantly greater moral outrage" toward them.

By why are kid-free people perceived so harshly when we’re often the best babysitters in the world who will love your kids unconditionally; have a lower impact on the planet’s resources and will drop everything to meet you for a drink when your moody teenager tells you to fuck off and that they hate you?

Justifying life choices

“Australia is one of the most pro-natal countries in the world,” explains Dr Bronwyn Harman, a Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the Edith Cowan University in Perth, who has conducted a series of studies into being childfree as part of her PhD. “People get very offended when others go against the norm. It doesn’t matter if you’re a teenage mother or a woman who has children at 45 or doesn’t have kids at all. If you’re not playing by the rules and following the normative path - growing up, getting married, having children in your late 20s, then you’re seen as different. When some of these people come into contact with individuals who have actively chosen not to have children, they literally can't understand it.”

Then comes the judgement. “It's cliches like people who don’t want to have kids don’t like children. Nonsense! They just don’t want one. Or that they’re sad, lonely or that they’re going regret it. My studies have shown this isn’t the case,” says Dr Harman.

Part of this kind of thinking is due to an unconscious bias, which psychologically justifies their own life choices. “It’s bloody hard work having children,” said Dr Harman, a mother of three. “Once you become a parent, it’s for life. While there are lovely things like Sunday snuggles, there is also the boredom of routine and the worry that never stops. Being judgemental about people without kids reminds people with kids of the positive aspects of having children.”

Ultimately, there is no right and no wrong way to live. There is just your way. “Parenthood is good for some, non-parenthood is good for others,” said Dr Harman. “Maybe everybody should just step back and realise we’re all adults, so we can all make our own adult decisions.”

Word.