STERLING, CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life, local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn’t already happened. “I’m scared I’m gonna choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later,” said Cross, remaining concerned that if he takes a risk and it doesn’t pan out that he could end up as pathetic as he already is right now. “I’ve got big plans, and once I’m absolutely certain I can reach my goals without failing, I’ll start trying to achieve them. What if I attempt to run a marathon or learn to play the guitar and I can’t do it? I’ll have nothing to show for myself just like I have nothing to show for myself today. I can’t allow myself to end up like my dad [with his good job and fulfilling home life.]” At press time, Cross had turned down a promotion at work after insisting he wasn’t qualified and would mess it all up.

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