Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Translation: Rihanna :P

Looking back now, I think I see where I went wrong. It wasn't a fine Sharpie pen, but a big fat blue Sharpie marker. And I shouldn't have sprayed the tattoo immediately, because the wetness made the ink bleed into my skin more than it would have otherwise. Oh, and I probably should have sketched out a few ideas before playing the word association game on my own skin. It turns out that in my head Tattoo = Rihanna Silly Face. Maybe because Rihanna has a bunch of tattoos and I felt silly for drawing on myself? Or maybe I wish I could be the goofy version of Rihanna but I forgot Miley Cyrus exists? These are all questions I'll ask my therapist when I remember to get one.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

The good news is that this sweet ink was already blending nicely into my still-green toes, so I started thinking about my next tat, which I wanted to be illustrative while representing who I am as a woman. Five seconds later, the deed was done.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Translation: House.

Looking back, I probably should have fully internalized the lessons from the first tattoo from the minute before. Just because I know how to draw a house doesn't mean that this was a good choice for a tattoo (even though I clearly know how to draw a house). And just because house-drawing is something that I'm really good at doesn't mean I need to brag by semi-permanently advertising my skills on my wrist. Architect College is not an option for me right now and I don't have time to start another career as an excellent house-drawer. Who knows how many millions of people will ask me to draw their house based on this column alone?

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

By the end of the day, the bleeding haunted cartoon house on my wrist was the only beauty hack I was happy with, and even it washed off when I couldn't stand my redfro, eye junk, insanely clogged pores, and blue feet anymore. Do I feel cheated? NO. Not counting the day I was born, this was the best day of my life. And I'd do a Pinterest tutorial-a-thon again in a heartbeat if you send me your favorite Pinterest tutorials on Facebook. Don't think I won't.

Kristi is a senior editor and columnist for Cracked. For more from her, check out past articles here and follow her on Twitter or Facebook.