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It is difficult to fathom what passes for brains in the Tea Party. I’m talking about s**t. As in s**t for brains. My dad used to say it all the time. I never knew what he meant. I do now. I do.

Cathie Adams’ stunning conclusion that Grover Norquist is a Muslim because he has a beard, left me speechless despite five years of egregious Tea Party stupidity.

We have seen and heard things we never thought to hear outside of a Saturday Night Live skit. But these people are completely serious. It is surreal. There is no other word for it.

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Grover Norquist is a Muslim because he wears a beard. It shows that Tea Party portrayals of President Barack Obama stem from a common core of irrationality. Certainly if Obama can be a Muslim because he doesn’t back the idea of religious crusades, then Norquist can be a Muslim because he has a beard.

It’s no wonder they can think women’s bodies can repel a rapist’s sperm or that men are superior to women and white people to black people.

They style themselves after the American Revolution’s patriots, but gods almighty, folks, if the Founding generation’s patriots had been half this stupid, the defenders of Bunker Hill would have aimed their muskets the wrong direction and historians would still be pondering the biggest mass suicide in world history.

The crap the Tea Party peddles is nothing new. The ideas behind the Tea Party are nothing new. The world has been plagued by mental degenerates since the dawn of time and we might as well accept that demanding cogent arguments from them is going to change anything.

Let me define cogent for any Tea Partier reading this (I am going way out a limb here on the assumption that some of them, at least, can read):

Cogent: clear, logical, and convincing.

I used to just assume people were capable of reading, and not only reading, but comprehending. The Tea Party has convinced me that I was hopelessly optimistic.

I met Teabonics, and my life has never been the same:

(If facts don’t matter, why should spelling?)

I discovered that insipid intellects like Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Christine O’Donnell could get whole rooms full of Tea Party faithful to nod their heads as though Solomon himself had just spoken.

And I don’t want to hate on the women here: there are towering Tea Party intellects among the men too: Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin is prominent among them but he is far from alone. He has good company in mental midgets like Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and of course, Rand Paul, who may well inherit the tarnished mantle of leadership from Michele Bachmann.

There is Grover Norquist himself.

It is a good thing these people had not surfaced when I was born. I would have crawled right back into the womb. But back then, there were actually intelligent people in the Republican Party.

For example, the GOP platform did not call for the sexual servitude of women. Or announce to the world that slavery had actually been a beneficial experience for black people. Or that “there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas” (thanks for the memories, Michele Bachmann).

Or that people with beards were Muslims.

I mean, look out Jesus.



The Tea Party is supposed to be the champions of good Christian folk, but clearly, Cathie Adams has not picked up her Bible recently. I’ll direct her to Leviticus 19:27 and 21:1-5. But hey, maybe Jesus was a secret Mooslim too.

Do you remember earlier this month, when Sean Hannity called Democrats “a party of lying demagogues”?

Apparently, from a Tea Party perspective, anyone who accurately quotes the enormously, catastrophically stupid things they say, is a “lying demagogue.” People who accurately quote them are making them martyrs, or, like Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern, of “stoning” them.

Stoning, as in the bad stoning (only liberals do the good stoning, as in, “are you stoned, or are you a liberal?”).

Can I be both?

It’s not that I’m prejudiced against stupid people. I just don’t think stupid people should be running our country. Look where George W. Bush got us. Do we really need people who don’t understand basic scientific principles running our country?

Shouldn’t it be a pre-requisite that a candidate be smarter than a farm animal?

I said I am not prejudiced against stupid people, and I am not. I am just tired of them. Since 2008 it has been like an endless whack-a-mole marathon. And it’s not like we’re actually whacking any sense into them.

There are limits to what any receptacle can hold and theirs are just very small.

Size does matter.

The Tea Party plays, as all populist movements throughout history have done, to the lowest common denominator. As Benjamin Franklin said, “A mob’s a monster; heads enough but no brains.”

And that should be history’s judgment of the Tea Party movement of the early years of the 21st century. Anything else, and the bad guys won and are writing the books that the helots are no longer taught to read.

If Tea Party mean-spiritedness and mental midgetry isn’t enough to motivate a liberal to stay the course, I don’t know what is.

If nothing else, just do me this one favor: before growing a beard, think about all those well-armed Tea Party patriots out there looking for a Mooslim terrorist to shoot before he could blow something up.

We can’t correct Tea Party stupidity, but to the extent we can compensate for it, common-sense (and I am not talking about Tea Party common sense, which seems to demand you s**t in your bed) demands that we do so.