Houston, TX—

According to reports from people close to the Osteen family, megachurch televangelist Joel Osteen’s children are feeling very guilty about the prospect of inheriting tens of millions of dollars that should have been used to help the needy, according to what Jesus said to do with excessive wealth.

Timmy, age 12, is especially conflicted about his family’s net worth.

“Timmy is a good kid, and he recognizes the inconsistency between what his father does with money and what Jesus said to do with money,” said a family friend who requested anonymity to discuss the personal topic. “Timmy has brought the issue up with me several times during church events when his father wasn’t around. He’s worried his father won’t get into Heaven because he’s such a hypocritical hoarder of wealth. I don’t know where he learned that kind of offensive language, but it certainly wasn’t at Lakewood Church.”

Even little Sarah, age 8, has started asking questions about the conflicting messages she gets from New Testament stories and the messages she gets from her father’s sermons that explain how personal prosperity is a sign of Godly favor.

“Sarah is such a sweetheart,” said a member of Osteen’s Lakewood Church. “But she’ll come around eventually when she grows up a little and learns more about life. The reality of modern society is that giving your money to poor people is a bummer, and, often times, poor people smell a little. That’s why I love this church so much. The hefty fees we charge, accompanied by the mandatory offerings we request, do an amazing job of screening out poor people, sick people, and needy people. I’ve been in the church for four years now, and I haven’t ever seen even one homeless person. It’s such a breath of fresh air to go to a church where the focus can be all about me and my prosperity.”

Self-serving rationale aside, however, Timmy Osteen still feels guilty.

“Timmy told me once that he doesn’t want to inherit his father’s money, but I think that’s ridiculous,” said a second Lakewood member. “Nothing says ‘you’re blessed’ like being born into a filthy rich family and inheriting $40+ million. I don’t want to mention this to Joel because it might upset him to hear, but behind the scenes I’ve been trying to talk some sense into little Timmy. Timmy keeps saying that he’ll give the money to charity rather than keep it all for himself, but oh my God—maybe Jesus would have done that, but to give so much money away just seems to be going against God’s will. You don’t want to cross God!”

At least Lakewood is finally helping out Houston victims of Hurricane Harvey after a very viral public shaming.

(Picture courtesy of ToBeDaniel.)

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