Daily Cal Columnist

Hi, my name is Matt, and I have a problem. The problem is: Life is just too awesome! That sound you just heard was me high-fiving the entire campus. Think about it.

Seriously, who doesn't drink alcohol to excess in college? I'll tell you who: robots. Robots and religious fanatics. Which, interestingly, you never see in the same room at the same time. And how come religious fanatics need to be plugged in to a wall every four hours? I'll be the first to admit that I don't really "know" what religion "is," but I've heard it can involve Christians of some sort. I don't know what that means, but I do know what Christian Brothers Brandy is, and let me tell you, it's awful. Awful wonderful for getting your slant on.

Ahh yes, the subject of booze. When it comes to getting a little puzzled, I don't mess around. I always order my favorite drink: a lot. And really, isn't "last call" just another euphemism for "six hours �til first call"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is.

Now, I'm confident that in terms of a 12-step program, I'm at negative seven. And yes, drinking to excess in unhealthy for your liver.

Here's my rebuttal: It's a liver! Who cares? Can you point to your liver? Didn't think so. If you can, then you're either not drunk enough or a surgeon, which I believe is a type of fish.

I'm proposing a new breed of alcoholism, the FUNctioning alcoholic.

The biggest problem FUNctional alcoholism faces today is that people misunderstand it. That and the shakes, but that's just your body's way of saying it's thirsty. As to the misunderstandings, let's clear a few things up.

MYTH: Alcoholics should go to meetings.

FACT: The FUNctional alcoholic does go to meetings ... of the Drinking Club! That's the Drinking Club, where the motto is always "Dude, I'm just so ... fuck." The FUNctioning alcoholic does, however, go to classes, just not on Friday. Or FrMonday, or FrTuesday, or even Unnnhhhhh. That last one's a really bad day.

MYTH: Alcoholism in college presages a life of addiction, poverty and squalor, pulling deeply from half-empty bottles of fortified wine found in a dumpster behind a Sizzler, trying to cry but you can't because of chronic dehydration, swallowing cigarette butts along with the detritus of your once-lustrous hopes and dreams.

FACT: Whatever, loser.

MYTH: Binge drinking is having three drinks or more in the span of a night.

FACT: Binge drinking is so much more than that. A real binge should consist of no less than two days of straight drinking and no more than 45 consecutive minutes of remembering stuff.

MYTH: People who don't drink in college are either robots or religious fanatics.

FACT: You forgot dorks. Dorks too. I know you dorks may be too busy reading "Harry Potter" to go to a party and have a drink, but sorry, I don't really have any time to read Harry Potter because I'm too busy knowing what vagina feels like.

MYTH: Drinking isn't all it's cracked up to be. What about throwing up and having unplanned sex?

FACT: Well, not at the same time, sure. All things in moderation. Except drinking, of course.

MYTH: Excessive college partying can affect your grades negatively.

FACT: That's why it's important to regularly attend study groups with good friends: Jack Daniels (American Studies), Jose Cuervo (Business, because that shit is all business), and Jagermeister (exchange student). If they're busy, you can always fall back on St. Ides (Religious Studies/Urban Planning) or Captain Morgan (ROTC).

MYTH: People who brag about the fact that they've never drank a drop of booze in their life like it's a shiny medal should definitely not stop their proselytizing and realize that life is much too short to pass up a fine bourbon or bottle thereof.

FACT: These people should not write columns for the Daily Cal. That's not my opinion, that's the opinion of science. A recent study conducted at the University of South Florida showed that reading an anti-drinking column three weeks ago caused dangerously high levels of anti-coolness. Upon reading the column regarding sobriety, a test group of 14 indie-rock hipsters wearing Girl Scout T-shirts was immediately reduced to wearing elbow guards while Rollerblading and caring about things.

MYTH: This article is all true and written by a seriously party-hardy dude who believes all the things he just wrote.

FACT: You really shouldn't be reading the newspaper when you're this drunk.



