Batman Sucks Forever

by

Greg Wyshynski, Michael Moyer, and Andrew Stanger





FADE IN:

INT. BATCAVE

Deep within the batcave, BATMAN and ROBIN are suiting up, including pulling their socks up, tying their shoelaces, zipping their pants, and buckling their belts. The BATMOBILE rises through a hole in the floor, and Batman steps in.

ROBIN

Why can't I have a car? Chicks dig the car.

BATMAN

This is why Superman works alone.

EXT. SKY ABOVE METROPOLIS - DAY

Cut to a shot of SUPERMAN, flying through the sky above a sprawling Metropolis.

SUPERMAN

I'm the Man of Steel!

A smaller figure, his sidekick, leaps into the scene.

ALUMINUM BOY

And I'm the Boy of Aluminum!

INT. BATCAVE

ROBIN

Don't wait up for us, Al.

ALFRED

(slurred)

If I'm lucky, I'll be out before ten...

He takes a long swig from a wine bottle.

ALFRED (CON'T)

...you arrogant twit.

The Batmobile speeds towards a crime scene.

EXT. A DESERTED ALLEY IN GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT

Two THUGS are walking down a poorly lit alley, carrying bags of money. They are shocked to see Batman and Robin approach from the shadows. Before the criminals can react, Batman grabs one by the throat and pushes him up against the wall.

1st Thug

(scared)

What are you?

Batman

I'm Batman.

ROBIN

And I'm...

A gunshot rings out and Robin, hit in the head, abruptly stops his introduction, falling out of view. The 2nd thug looks quite satisfied with himself as he holsters his weapon. He turns around but only sees his unconscious partner. Batman is nowhere to be found. He panics momentarily before he is attacked from behind by Batman and quickly rendered unconscious.

Batman walks over to Robin and pulls a vial from his utility belt, clearly labeled "BAT HEAD HEALER." He pulls out the cork, throws away the vial, and plugs the hole in Robin's head. Robin wakes up and gets to his feet.

Robin

Holy hole in my head, Batman.

(pause)

Look!

Batman walks over to the 1st Thug, who is lying unconscious. A folded black note with a green question mark emblem is clutched in his hand. Batman takes the note.

Batman

The Riddler! He must be up to his old tricks again. This note must be a vital clue which will tell us of his diabolical plans. Another of his unsolvable riddles.

Robin

What does it say?

Batman opens the note.

Batman

It says, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

INT. BATCAVE

Inside the Batcave, Robin lies on a table surrounded by medical instruments. Batman hovers over him wielding forceps, trying to repair the damage to his head. Alfred walks in from off camera.

Alfred

Commissioner Gordon called while you were away sir. He wants you to go get me more liquor.

Batman

No...I don't think so.

Alfred picks up the bat-phone.

Alfred

Yes he did. He called on this right here and said...

He passes out.

Batman

You were lucky tonight, Dick. You could have gotten yourself killed. You can't take chances like that.

Robin

Just fix my head, okay? If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home with my parents.

Batman

Dick, your parents are dead.

Robin

Just fix the damn hole!

Batman

There, it's done. Stand up.

Robin gets up off the table. The hole in his head is covered with a Band-Aid. He touches the healing wound.

Batman

You should be fine. Just be careful. You suffered a massive head trauma and might be prone to sudden blackouts.

Robin

Blackouts? How often?

Suddenly Robin lets out a yelp. His hand covers his head where the wound is, and he falls to the floor, unconscious. Batman shakes his head, kneels down, and helps Robin up.

Batman

Just be careful.

Batman and Robin walk over to the bat-computer. Batman looks down at the Riddler's note, which is lying on a table. He picks it up and looks at it.

Batman

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" What does it all mean, Robin?

Robin

To get to the other side.

Batman

That's JUST what the Riddler wants us to think!

Robin

Let's see...Chicken...chickens have feathers. Feathers can tickle. When someone tickles you, you laugh...

Batman

That's it, Robin! Laugh! That fiendish clown the Joker must be up to something! What else do chickens have?

Robin

Chickens have beaks...

Batman

Not if you break them off.

Robin

Gee, Batman, you're right! Well, let's see. Chickens are birds...

Batman

Of course! Bird! Penguins are birds! The Penguin must be involved!

Robin

Penguins live in cold weather, it's a wonder they don't freeze.

Batman

Yes! Mr. Freeze is in on their little game as well!

Robin

But who else? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Road...

Batman

You may be on to something, Robin. Perhaps the Riddler is playing a little word game. If we take the word "road" and remove the letters r, a, and d, and then add the letters p, i, s, o, n, space, i, v and y, we get the name of the insidious femme fatale, Poison Ivy!

Robin

Woah. What about some of the other words in the riddle? Cross...churches have crosses.

Batman

No, Robin. In the riddle, "cross" is used as verb, as in "to cross one's path," like a black cat.

Robin

Cat? Could Catwoman be involved too?

Batman

Good thinking, Boy Wonder! But I get the feeling that we're overlooking someone...

Alfred wakes up momentarily and tries to focus on the Dynamic Duo.

Alfred

Look at all the faces! One face, two face, three...

Batman

That's it! Two-Face. He would never miss out on such a meeting of the criminal minds.

Robin

Riddler, Joker, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Two-Face. Holy unholy horde, Batman! That's quite a lineup!

Batman

Robin, we can't rush into any situation unprepared. I'll call up the files we have on each of the villains involved. Turn on the bat-computer.

Robin flips a switch on the computer, which hums up and declares, "You've got mail." Batman starts opening the files.

Batman

The Joker. Jack Napier. An underling in a huge crime family headed by Boss Grissom. We had a confrontation in the Axis Chemical Plant and he accidentally fell into a vat of green goo.

Robin

On purpose accidentally or accidentally?

Batman

A vat of green goo isn't my style. Dropping a man off the top of a cathedral, that's my cup of tea. Anyway, he fell into the vat of green goo. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer clown.

Robin

From outer space.

Batman

Uh, no.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

THE JOKER walks around his secret hideout nervously, awaiting the arrival of his guests. He is periodically checking on snacks, drinks, etc.

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

Harvey Dent. A district attorney, and member of the NAACP, he was trying the case of a big time mobster when he was splashed in the face with acid.

Robin

NAACP? But Two-Face is white.

Batman

Right, and that acid disfigured half his face. Then he tumbled out a window into a vat of tooth whitener. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal two-faced terror.

Robin

And...

Batman

And what?

Robin

And he murdered my trapeze artist family in cold blood during a circus performance, forcing me to team up with you and become the Dynamic Duo.

Batman

Oh yeah, that's right!

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and TWO-FACE enters the hideout.

Two-Face

We're glad to see you.

Joker

Well hello and hello!

Two-Face

What's on the menu this evening?

Joker

(to his right side)

Well for you, there's sparkling champagne, yummy poached salmon with little itty bitty quail eggs, and a creamy, dreamy lemon souffle.

(to his left side)

And for you, there's a charred heart of black boar, a side of raw donkey meat, and a sterno and grain alcohol, straight up. Or if you just want to snack, there's Chex mix and wine coolers over there.

Two-Face

Joker, you're the Martha Stewart of crime.

Joker

Oh, I do what I can.

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

Poison Ivy. She used to be Pamela Isley, a botanist from South America.

Robin

Why did she go to South America to study batons?

Batman

A botanist studies plants, Dick. Anyway, she was attempting to create a hybrid of a snake and a flower.

Robin

WHAT!? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Yeah, a man-eating plant! Right! Yeah, and let's make it sing too! A singing man-eating plant! I'm sure everyone would be into THAT, right?

Batman

So she's just strolling along and she slips and falls into a vat of venom and chlorophyll. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal plant woman.

Robin

But WHAT a woman! Va-va-va-VOOM!

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and POISON IVY steps in.

Poison Ivy

Am I late?

Joker

Are you...c'mon on in here you little sapling! Listen, I didn't know what you like to eat, ya know, whether you're a vegetarian or whether you just eat meat.

Poison Ivy

I don't eat either really, mostly just candy.

Joker

Oh great! Well, there's butter scotch suckers in the dish on the endtable and I'll bring out my famous Rice-Krispie treats ala Joker in a bit.

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

Mr. Freeze. Formerly Victor Fries.

Robin

It say "fries" on the screen.

Batman

It's pronounced "Freeze."

Robin

Yeah, OK, so after this, let's get some burgers and "freeze."

Batman

Fries was a cryogenist who...

Robin

Fell into a vat of cryogenic fluid?

Batman

No. He fell into a vat of ice cubes.

Robin

And he didn't just die of hypothermia?

Batman

Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal master of frozen doom.

Robin

Just like Ben and Jerry.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it to reveal MR. FREEZE. Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" is heard playing in the background.

Joker

Hey! It's the coolest guy I know!

Freeze

(in a heavy Austrian accent)

Ice to see you. Cool place you have here.

Joker puts his arm around Mr. Freeze.

Joker

Yeah, yeah. Now there's Chex party mix and wine coolers over there and if you need to stand inside the refrigerator for a while, just move the Sunny Delight over to the second shelf, okay?

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

The Riddler. Edward Nygma. A computer programmer who, while trying to discover if his favorite Chinese restaurant used MSG, fell into a vat of fortune cookies. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal maniac.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

Riddler

Knock, knock!

Joker

Who's there?

Riddler

Orange.

Joker

Orange who?

The RIDDLER bursts in through the door.

Riddler

Orange you glad I remembered to bring Pictionary?

Joker

Hey, who isn't? How've you been?

Riddler

Well, I'm still in the middle of that copyright infringement suit against the Puzzler, but other than that I'm smmmmmmokin'!

Joker

Yeah, okay, anyway, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers and, uh, try not to mention Mr. Freeze's comatose wife--he's a little touchy about that for some reason.

Riddler

Allllllrighty then!

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

The Penguin. Oswald Cobblepot. He was born a freak flipper baby to rich parents during the War of the Roses. His mama threw him from a train, right into a vat of live penguins.

Robin

A vat of live penguins?

Batman

Yes. Evidently, traveling circuses used to keep their animals in vats to save on accommodation costs. Anyway, he fell into the vat of penguins. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer birdman.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

There is a knock at the door. It swings open and PENGUIN walks through it squawking...and right past Joker.

Joker

Hi there...Pen...guin...

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

Catwoman. Selina Kyle. A secretary who suffered a horrible paper cut and fell out a window right into a vat of cats.

Robin

Circus cats?

Batman

No, just regular old alley cats that enjoyed living in a vat. Anyway, she fell into the vat of cats. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal feline felon.

Robin

A whiskered warrior! A perpetrating pussy! A...

Batman

Shut up Dick.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT

There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it and CATWOMAN steps through. She looks around.

Catwoman

Hi, Joker.

Joker

Did you find the place okay?

Catwoman

Surprisingly well for a secret hideout.

Joker

Well, everybody's in the back, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers. Just don't touch the stereo, okay?

Catwoman

Great, but where's the litter box? It was a long trip.

Joker

Second door on the left.

(to the back of the room)

Hey, who's up for Jenga?

INT. BATCAVE

Batman

With all of their powers combined, one can only imagine the kind of terror they could cause. I have to stop them!

Robin

WE have to stop them! When will you learn to trust me? And the next time we have to provide exposition and pathos for the villains, I want to do it! And I want a Robinmobile, and a Robin-signal, and...

Robin lets out a squeak and he blacks out.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM

The villains are milling around talking amongst themselves.

Freeze

Cool outfit.

Catwoman

It's the cat's meow.

Freeze

You send chills up and down my spine.

Catwoman

That's because I'm prrrrrrfect.

Freeze

Me and you should find some place to chill.

Catwoman

I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

Two-Face

Hey what are you guys talking about?

Catwoman

Oh, someone who doesn't speak in catchphrases makes me feel simply cat-atonic.

Freeze

I usually give him the cold shoulder.

Two-Face

We can try. But our gimmick is only saying "we" instead of "I."

Catwoman

If you can't play the game, then tough kitty!

Freeze

Do you like rap? I like Ice Cube!

Two-Face

Don't be so two-faced!

There's a long silence. Freeze and Catwoman roll their eyes.

Catwoman

That was prrrrrfectly awful.

Freeze

Hell will freeze before you're funny.

Two-Face

That was really two-faced!

Catwoman

Your catchphrase is a cat-tastrophy!

Two-Face

Did you ever see The Mirror Has Two Faces?

Freeze

One more line like that, and I'll kick your ice!

The camera pans over to find Riddler talking to Poison Ivy.

Riddler

...so then I stole his brain waves and pushed him out a window.

They laugh.

Riddler (CON'T)

So, what's your plan for world domination?

Poison Ivy

Well, plants have been tormented by animals for long enough. It's time they had their chance. THIS little fellow is just the beginning of the botanical revolution I will bring about.

She points to a man-eating plant in a jar.

Riddler

What does it do? Does it sing?

Poison Ivy

(annoyed)

No it doesn't sing. It's a ferocious man-eating plant.

Riddler

It's pretty small, I don't think it could eat an entire person. Your plan is pretty lame.

Poison Ivy

Oh please. Is yours any better?

Riddler

Ha! I plan to do nothing less than steal the brain power from every citizen of Gotham! This BRAIN BOX will one day be on every TV in the city.

Poison Ivy

Brain box? It looks like a blender with Styrofoam in it!

Riddler and Ivy begin a shouting match, but are interrupted by the Joker.

Joker

Everyone! I think it's about time to call this little meeting to order!

The six others walk into the conference room.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - CONFERENCE ROOM

The main feature of the conference room is a big rectangular table. Joker sits down at the head. The others crowd around and take their seats.

Joker

Okay, first order of business. This meeting is supposed to be completely secret. I trust you all destroyed your invitations and told no one about our collaboration?

The camera pans around the table, and all of the villains nod in agreement, except the Riddler.

Riddler

Uh...define "no one."

Two-Face

What did you do, you imbecile?!

Riddler

Oh, well, nothing really. I just...kinda...left a riddle for Batman. Which, if properly deciphered, will...sorta...give him insight not only to our criminal partnership, but to this meeting as well.

Poison Ivy

And what makes you think that Batman WON'T decipher it?

Riddler

Well, it's pretty cryptic...and complicated...and...and cryptic.

Freeze

Well why did you leave it in the first place?

Riddler

It's a RIDDLE! It's what I DO for crying out loud!

Joker

Well, what's done is done. Now drop it. I suppose you all know the purpose of this gathering. We are here to put an end to Batman. That winged rodent has been our only obstacle for as long as we've been criminals. In fact, how many of us here were created because of the Caped Crusader?

Two-Face, Riddler, and Joker raise their hands.

Joker

Exactly. It's about time we take the bat by the wings and end his reign of do-goodery. I'm open to suggestions.

Mr. Freeze raises his hand.

Freeze

I will unleash a reign of freezing terror on the city! Batman will be buried beneath a mountain of ice! He will watch his beloved Gotham perish! No one will be untouched by my icy hand of doom! I will destroy, destroy, DESTROY the bat! First Gotham! Tomorrow the world! KILL the heroes! KILL THEM!!!

Joker

Whoa, Tiger! Let's just, uh, cool down, okay? How about something a little more subtle. I don't think Gotham is any good to us freeze-dried.

Poison Ivy raises her hand and waits until she has everyone's attention.

Poison Ivy

I suggest we unleash an army of my man-eating plants on the...

Riddler

Oh, SHUT UP! Behold! The brain box! This device, if properly distributed, will let us control every mind in...

Poison Ivy and Riddler get into another shouting match.

Joker

Hey! Put Audrey II and the blender away. Anyone else? Penguin?

Penguin starts squawking and gesturing meaningfully. The other villains stare in disbelief. Black goo begins dripping from his mouth and he starts choking. He keels over and dies. There is an awkward pause.

Joker

Any other plans? No? Good. I'm glad I came up with my OWN scheme to rid us of Batman. What's the one thing that will bring Batman out in the open and right into our trap?

Catwoman

Cheese?

Two-Face

CHEESE?! What do you mean cheese, you idiot!

Joker

Besides cheese. How about...a damsel in distress to bring out the knight in shining rubber? I believe our dear Mr. Freeze has prepared a small slide show for us.

Freeze

Lights!

The lights dim and slide one flicks onto a screen. It's a picture of a young woman surrounded by what looks like heavy fog. The woman is quite attractive, except for her teeth, which are dirty yellow.

Freeze

This is Ashley McSmoke, the spokesmodel for Gotham Cigarettes. If we kidnap her, the cigarette industry would crumble.

Two-Face

Don't be stupid! Those nicotine-addicted Gothamites would keep buying cigarettes whether the spokesperson was an attractive woman or a big fat smelly camel!

Slide two shows a woman in a suit jotting something down on a pad she's carrying. She looks remarkably like Kim Basinger.

Freeze

This is Vicki Vale, a reporter for the Gotham Times. If we kidnap her...

Joker

No no no! That would never work.

Freeze

Without her, Gotham's...

Joker

NO! Trust me. It wouldn't work.

Slide three. Mr. Freeze himself is on screen, wearing knee high rubber boots and carrying a fishing pole. A large fish is strung up behind him.

Freeze

Whoa! That's me at Cape Cod. I don't know how that got in there...

Slide four is a photograph of a tall, gorgeous brunette walking down the runway in a fashion show.

Joker

Stop the press! Who's that?

Freeze

This is Leggy Supermodel, Gotham's leading sex symbol and girlfriend of millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Joker

Yes! She's perfect! When word gets out that we've abducted her, Batman will do anything to save her. Even...reveal his secret identity! Then he will be powerless!

All the villains laugh maniacally.

EXT. WAYNE MANOR - THE NEXT DAY

LEGGY SUPERMODEL rings the doorbell and waits patiently. Presently the door opens and Alfred is standing there.

Alfred

Ah, Miss Supermodel, Master Bruce is expecting you. Come in.

Leggy

Thank you.

She steps inside.

INT. WAYNE MANOR

Alfred

May I take off your clothes?

Leggy

Excuse me?

Alfred

May I take off your coat?

Leggy

Uh...certainly.

Bruce Wayne joins her as Alfred leaves wearing her coat.

Bruce

How delightful to see you, Leggy. Shall we dine?

INT. WAYNE MANOR - DINING ROOM

Cut to Bruce and Leggy eating dinner. They are sitting at the dining room table facing each other.

Bruce

Alfred, could you bring us more wine, please?

Alfred

No, Master Bruce. I'm afraid I drank it all this afternoon.

Bruce

Alfred, there were 30 bottles in the wine cellar this morning.

Alfred

Funny, I counted 32.

He walks away.

Leggy

Bruce, there's something we need to discuss. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me.

Bruce

Leggy, I'm sorry...I can't.

Leggy

Why not?

Bruce

Because I'm Batman.

Leggy

You're Batman? But why didn't you tell me?

Bruce

(shrugging)

It never came up.

Leggy

Bruce, I need some time to think this over. I've got to go.

Bruce and Leggy stand up. Bruce is revealed to have been wearing Batman's cape the entire time!

Bruce

Alfred? Could you please show Leggy to the door?

Alfred

Of course, sir.

(to Leggy)

You know he's not the only one with black tights...

As Alfred escorts Leggy towards the door, Dick Grayson walks by, looking upset.

Dick

Hey Al, where's Bruce?

Alfred just stands there looking confused.

Dick (CON'T)

Nevermind...

EXT. WAYNE MANOR

Alfred opens the door for Leggy, who leaves. She walks down the path from Wayne Manor. Suddenly, a voice is heard from off camera.

Joker

Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

Leggy

What?

Joker

I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it.

Leggy

I don't get it.

Joker

Well...uh...Twinkie?

A hand, holding a Twinkie, appears from off camera. Leggy stops, looks at the Twinkie with wide eyes, and follows it off camera. We hear her being kidnapped.

INT. WAYNE MANOR - THE STUDY

Bruce is sitting on a couch, relaxing after dinner. He is interrupted when Dick storms into the room.

Dick

Why can't you just trust me?!

Bruce

Listen, Dick, you nearly got killed in that fight with the Riddler's henchmen. You can't expect me to let you...

Dick

I'm not talking about that!

Bruce

Then what...?

Dick holds up a toaster, its plug dangling behind. On the toaster is a hand-written note which reads, "Dick, stay away!"

Dick

Why don't you ever let me use the damn toaster?! We're family, dammit, and you should trust me! What, do you think I'll burn the house down making some freakin' Pop-Tarts?

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM

Pop-Tarts shoot up from a toaster, and one is grabbed by Mr. Freeze. The camera follows him until it reveals...Leggy Supermodel! She is tied up in a chair, surrounded by Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Two-Face, and now Freeze. Freeze takes a bite of the Pop-Tart.

Freeze

Mmm...so hot they're cool.

Leggy

What do you want from me, you vile fiends?

Poison Ivy

We already have what we want from you, honey. Once Batman finds out one of Gotham's favorite citizens has been kidnapped, he'll be forced to give in to our demands.

Catwoman

And once he reveals his secret identity to us, we will be able to...

Leggy

Secret identity? But he's Bruce Way...

Freeze

Silence! Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not polite to interrupt? Wait your turn!

Two-Face

Wait a minute. What if Batman doesn't reveal his identity? What if he tries to rescue her instead?

Catwoman

Don't be ridiculous. He could never find Joker's hideout.

Leggy

Uh, hello? Is anyone listening? Batman is really Bru...

Freeze

If you interrupt us again, we might have to put you on ice!

Leggy

Listen, Mr. Freezer, or whatever your name is. I just want to cooperate. I'll tell you Batman's secret ident...

Poison Ivy

That's it! Freeze?

Mr. Freeze takes a piece of duct tape and places it squarely over Leggy's mouth. She mumbles insistently, but no one can understand what she's saying.

Two-Face

Let's go get our bat-trap ready.

Freeze

(to Leggy)

Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.

They begin filing out the door, but Catwoman stops under the doorframe and looks up at some hanging mistletoe. She concentrates on it for several seconds, almost mesmerized.

Catwoman

Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

Two-Face

Who the hell eats mistletoe? Don't be a moron!

Suddenly the Riddler jumps into view from behind the door and points at Catwoman.

Riddler

Loo-hoo, zeh-her!

INT. WAYNE MANOR - THE STUDY - NIGHT

Bruce Wayne is reading a book by the window, looking solemn. The room is dark. Dick Grayson walks in.

Dick

Bruce, I was playing down in the cave and look what I found!

Bruce

Why, it's my old bat-night vision goggles!

He puts them on.

Bruce (CON'T)

Oh look, I can see the entire...

Suddenly, an unbelievably bright light filters through the window.

Bruce (CONT'T)

Whoaaaaaaaa!

He rips off the goggles.

Dick

Bruce, it's the Batsignal!

The Batsignal is seen shining brightly through the window.

Bruce

Commissioner Gordon needs me! God bless the Batsignal, a beacon that calms the worried masses, that reassures their safety, that...

Dick

I want a Robin-signal.

Bruce

Shut up, Dick! You, stay here! Me, to the Batcave!

Dick

Why can't I come? Aren't I your partner? Don't you trust me?

Bruce

Yeah, uh, sure I trust you...but listen, I'm Alfred's sponsor and with me away, who's going to keep him on the wagon?

Dick

On the...Alfred hasn't even SEEN the wagon, Bruce! You don't trust me!

Bruce

Of course I trust you. That's why you have the most important job in the world--watching the cave while I'm away.

Bruce walks away.

INT. POLICE HQ - COMMISSIONER GORDON'S OFFICE

COMMISSIONER GORDON is sitting at his desk fiddling with some pencils. His secretary's voice is heard over the intercom.

Secretary

Commissioner, Batman is here to see you.

Gordon

(sounding very much like Droopy Dog)

Does he have an appointment?

Batman walks in.

Batman

I think that signal in the sky is appointment enough.

Gordon

Signal? Oh yeah! Batman, we received a video tape from the Joker. But then we taped over it by accident. But luckily, Blockbuster Video had several copies. I think you should see this.

He turns on the TV and the tape begins to play. The Joker appears on the set.

Joker

Joker here. Before I go on with this ransom demand, I'd like to thank our sponsors. Texaco, star of the American road, and Budweiser, the King of Beers, who proudly gives the Budweiser Villain of the Week award to Lex Luthor for unleashing a mutant cockroach on Metropolis. Great going, Lex. Now let's get down to business. We have abducted Leggy Supermodel. She is being held in our secret hideout, located in downtown Gotham, 13...

Voice off Camera

Shut up you idiot!

Joker

Right. We will force feed Leggy until she is grotesquely obese, thus ruining Gotham's fashion advertising industry, unless our demands are met.

Batman

What are their demands?

Joker

Our demands are simple. We want Batman, where ever he is, to come forward and reveal his secret identity. Do you hear me Batman? Find us, if you can, and save Miss Supermodel, or else the joke will be on her.

He laughs maniacally.

Batman

This doesn't make any sense.

Gordon

Joker gives clowns a bad name.

Batman

If they wanted me to find them, why would they make their hideout a secret?

Gordon

Bozo, now there was a clown.

Batman

It's just common sense that if you're going to lure a man to his death, you should at least tell him where he's being lured.

Gordon

Always making balloon animals for the children, throwing pies in his face.

Batman

I've got to save Leggy.

Gordon

He was so much fun...until the drinking started.

Batman

Joker mentioned downtown Gotham.

Gordon

That's the bad part of town, Batman. You be careful.

Batman

You're right! I'd better leave the Batmobile home. I can't afford to have my hubcaps stolen again.

Batman is seen running through the streets of Gotham and fighting villains, courtesy of the Batman Nintendo game.

EXT. A DARK ALLEY IN DOWNTOWN GOTHAM - NIGHT

Batman rushes into the scene, walking along the wall of the alley.

Batman

Those fiends have carefully hidden their lair. I can only hope for...some...miracle...

Batman peers to the top of a doorway in back of him. A sign with the words "Hideout Entrance" hangs above it.

Batman

Well, OK...

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM

Batman enters the hideout. All the villains are crowded in a corner around a faint blue glow. Batman sneaks by them and into the Side Room, where Leggy is tied up.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM

Batman begins untying Leggy.

Batman

What are they all doing?

Leggy

It's "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel.

Batman

Oh, Shark Week! I hope Robin set a tape.

He looks over his shoulder through the door.

Batman (CON'T)

Uh oh, commercial!

The villains turn around and see Batman and Leggy.

Poison Ivy

(to Riddler)

So, your riddle was "cryptic," was it?

Batman grabs Leggy, runs back into the Main Room, and confronts the villains.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM

Batman

Hi Joker, Two-Face, Catwoman, Riddler, Freeze and Ivy...I'm Batman.

Villains

We know!

Riddler

Riddle me this Batman...what's black and white and red all over?

Batman

A newspaper...or a bloody zebra.

He kicks the Riddler in the stomach, and he falls.

Joker

Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

Batman

What?

Joker

I always ask that of...

Batman

No, I mean what the hell does that mean?

Joker

C'mon, it's my catchphrase! Why is everybody so down on my...

Batman

Whatever...

He slugs him.

Poison Ivy

Enough of this brutality. How about a kiss?

Catwoman

Or would you preferrrrr a nice whipping?

Batman

(To Leggy)

I could never hit a lady.

Leggy

No problem.

She kicks Poison Ivy and punches Catwoman.

Batman

Thanks babe.

Two-Face

We got next!

Batman gives him a left...

Batman

One for you.

...then gives him a right.

Batman (CON'T)

And one for you!

Batman and Leggy begin to run away. They are blocked by Mr. Freeze.

Freeze

Freeze, Batman! You're not going anywhere!

Batman

Hi Freeze, I'm...

Freeze

We already did that.

Batman

Right. See what I have here?

He holds up a diamond.

Freeze

That could power my suit for years!

Batman

Fetch.

He throws the diamond off to the side, and Freeze scrambles after it. Batman raises his grappling hook and grabs Leggy around her waist.

Leggy

You wasted a perfectly good diamond?

Batman

Don't worry, it was only cubic zirconium.

Freeze grunts and collapses behind them. Batman fires his grappling hook up in the air, only to have it fall right back down to the ground. He takes Leggy by the hand and runs out the door. The villains rise up off the ground and regroup.

Catwoman

We lost the bat!

Poison Ivy

And the hostage!

Two-Face

We'll never find a way to lure him to us again!

Suddenly, Robin bursts into the hideout.

Robin

Unhand her you fiends!

The villains have their backs turned to him, and slowly turn to face him.

Robin

Holy...crap.

INT. BATCAVE

Batman rushes into the BATCAVE. He sees a note left on a console. He picks it up and begins reading it aloud.

Batman

"Dear Batman," Batman spelled wrong, "why won't you trust me? To prove myself, I've gone to save Leggy. If I see you there please disregard this note. Robin." Yeah, like I'm gonna let him use the toaster NOW.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM

Robin is tied to a chair. He struggles and struggles but finally slips out of his binds. He begins to run out when he is stopped by Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy

Where are you flying, Birdboy?

Robin

Uh...nowhere.

Poison Ivy

Running to find me?

Robin

Uh...no.

Ivy blows her pheromones into Robin's face.

Poison Ivy

How about now?

Robin

Now? Now my face is covered in pheromones.

Poison Ivy

Enough talk...more action. How about I plant a kiss on those sweet, sidekick lips?

Robin

Well, I...

He gets cut off as Ivy kisses him. We see her eyes roll as she deposits her poison onto the Boy Wonder. She releases.

Poison Ivy

There's something you should know...I'm poison!

Robin

(very muffled)

There's something YOU should know. I was wearing wax lips!

The camera pans around to show Robin wearing a pair of big red wax lips! He spits them out. Joker walks in.

Joker

How did our little friend get loose? I think it's time we ground this bird for good. Ivy...warm up the buzzsaw...and set up the TV studio.

INT. WAYNE MANOR - TV ROOM - NIGHT

Leggy walks into the room. Bruce is sitting in a bathrobe, drinking a beverage, wearing his slippers...and his Batman cowl! He is watching the news.

TV Anchorman

More on the deaths of Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler later. Our top story tonight deals with the imminent death of Robin, the Boy Wonder. The video you are about to see was given to us by Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker.

A video of Robin begins playing. He is tied to a buzzsaw trap, and looks quite distressed. He struggles against the straps holding him down, to no avail.

Bruce, unconcerned, picks up a newspaper and begins reading.

Leggy

What the...Bruce, what are you doing?

Bruce

I'm reading the Gotham Times, why?

Leggy

Shouldn't you be out saving Robin?

Bruce

Oh, c'mon! He's the "Boy Wonder!" He can take care of himself.

Leggy

Isn't he about to get sawn in half?

Bruce

I've been in enough buzzsaw traps to know those things take forever to get to you.

Leggy

I thought you two were supposed to be family.

Bruce

Hey! I love Dick! I never want to hear anybody ever say I don't love Dick!

Leggy

Then save him.

Bruce

Oh, all RIGHT! Nag nag nag...

Bruce gets up and leaves.

EXT. ALLEY BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MORNING

Batman is lurking around the outside of the hideout, once again searching for a way inside.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM

The villains crowd around the door to the hideout, all anticipating Batman's entrance.

EXT. BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT

Batman reaches the door.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM

There's a knock. Joker opens the door to reveal...a PIZZA DELIVERY BOY.

Boy

I have a half pepperoni, half green pepper...frozen solid.

Freeze

Oh, that is mine.

He goes to the door and gets the pizza. Joker follows and peers out the door.

Joker

Did you happen to see a man dressed as a bat out there?

Boy

Is this a joke?

Joker

Does it look like I'm joking?

Boy

That'll be...

Joker slams the door in his face.

Freeze

They forgot my frozen crazy bread.

EXT. BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT

Batman continues to lurk outside the hideout. Finally he reaches a door labeled "SECRET ENTRANCE TO TORTURE ROOM"

Batman

Just think how hard this would be if I wasn't dealing with idiots.

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - TORTURE ROOM

Batman enters the room, only to see a bare table with unbuckled leather straps on it.

Batman

Robin! Dear God, no! My partner, my friend! Why? Why did they take him from me? Robin, I'm sorry I waited so long to save you! I'll remember the good times--bogey boarding on Gotham Lake, toasting marshmallows on the Batmobile's turbo engine...

Robin enters behind him.

Robin

Batman?

Batman

Playing bat-air hockey...

Robin

Batman!

Batman

Robin! Little buddy!

He hugs Robin.

Batman (CON'T)

Thank God you're okay! I love you!

Robin

Please. Not in the tights, Bruce, not in the tights.

Batman

C'mon Robin, let's go.

Robin

Wait! You still don't trust me, do you? That's why you waited so long to save me!

Batman

Friend. Brother. Partner. Will you help me?

Robin

NO! Not until you say you trust me.

Batman

I, uh, I trust you.

Robin

Like you mean it.

Batman

I trust you.

Robin

And I'll let you use the toaster.

Batman

But the coils get so hot!

Robin

And I'll let you use the toaster!

Batman

And I'll let you use the toaster.

Robin

Let's rock!

INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM

The villains continue to guard the door.

Poison Ivy

They're not showing up.

Two-Face

We think you're right.

Riddler

Well this sucks.

Catwoman

Maybe we should have given him directions.

The villains begin to walk away. Suddenly, The Dynamic Duo burst through the door. The villains spin to see them.

Batman

Looks like it's the end of the line for you fiends!

Robin

Yeah, the end of the...

Robin lets out a squeak and blacks out. Batman drops down and tends to him, as the villains run over the heroes and out the door. Robin wakes up.

Robin

(delirious)

Did we win?

Batman

(mocking)

No, we didn't win! Come on, they're getting away!

EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY

Batman and Robin chase the villains out of their hideout onto the streets of Gotham.

Robin

To the Batmobile!

Batman

Uh, Robin, there's something you should know.

Robin

Hey, where's the Batmobile?

Batman

Millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne decided to donate the Batmobile, given to him by his friend Batman...

Robin

Cut the crap! What did you DO?!

EXT. SIX FLAGS GREAT ADVENTURE THEMEPARK

The Batmobile sits on a raised dais in front of BATMAN: THE RIDE. The rollercoaster swoops into view and its passengers are heard screaming with glee.

EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM

Robin

I see. Well, how are we supposed to catch the villains now? FLY after them?! We're not Superman and Aluminum Boy, you know!

Batman

Shut up, Dick. We'll take the other car.

Robin

You want to boost the jag?

Batman

No, Robin, the OTHER car...

Cut to the 1960s BATMOBILE speeding down a busy Gotham street. It soon gets stuck in traffic.

Robin

Holy gridlock, Batman! We'll never catch them at this rate!

Batman

Come on, Robin! Let's chase them on foot. These bat-boots were made for walking!

EXT. ANOTHER BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY

Batman and Robin are walking down the streets of Gotham, in pursuit of the fleeing criminals.

Robin

Did you see which way they went Batman?

Batman

No. Let's ask those pedestrians if they saw anything out of the ordinary.

The Dynamic Duo approaches three teens standing to the side of the road. At the sight of Batman, the youths start chattering excitedly.

Batman

Hello, young citizens of Gotham. We need your help.

1st Youth

Wow, it's Batman!

2nd Youth

I can't believe it!

3rd Youth

Batman, can I have your autograph?

Robin coughs, to draw attention.

1st Youth

(distractedly)

Hi, Dick.

Robin rolls his eyes and throws his hands in the air.

Batman

Kids, did you happen to see a maniacal, sadistic-looking clown come this way?

Robin

Or a green-clad venomous red-headed plant lady?

Batman

Or a large, cold ice man with a freeze gun?

Robin

Or a woman in black rubber with cat ears?

Batman

Or a slim green insane fellow covered in question marks?

Robin

Or a half normal, half monstrous guy flipping a coin?

Batman

Did we get 'em all?

Robin

Yeah, that's it.

The teens, who had been looking back and forth between the heroes, just stand there, mouths agape, and shake their heads.

Batman

Well, thanks anyway, kids.

Robin

Bruce, do you think my mask is too revealing? I think people can tell who I am.

Batman

Don't be silly, Robin. No one knows your true identity.

Passerby(1)

Hi, Dick.

Robin

Argh! I want a better mask. One that covers my whole face.

Passerby(2)

Hey, Dick.

Batman

Do you have any idea how much these full molded rubber masks cost? What, do you think I'm a millionaire or something?

Passerby(3)

Hi, Dick.

Robin

I don't even know these people! I have to do something about this.

Robin ducks off camera for a moment. When he comes back, he's wearing a brown paper bag with eye holes on his head.

Passerby(4)

Dick.

Robin tears off the bag.

Robin

How on Earth did you know I was Dick Grayson?

Passerby(4)

I didn't, I just thought you were a dick for wearing a bag on your head.

He continues on his way.

Batman

Robin, look! Mr. Freeze just ducked into that bar!

They run off camera after Freeze.

EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY

Just as Batman and Robin are about to walk in the door they look up and see a sign reading "The J. Schumacher Club." They enter.

INT. J. SCHUMACHER CLUB

The club is "hopping," with crazy dancing and colored lighting. Men in purple gorilla suits are swaying back and forth to the music in several places around the club.

Waitress

Anything I can do for you sir? Check your cape?

Waiter

Ringside table Batman?

Batman

Just looking thanks, I'll stand at the bar.

He walks up to the bar to find Alfred sitting there.

Alfred

(slurred)

Hey Baatmaann. Need your underwear ironed?

Batman

Um, actually I'll be in the back. I shouldn't wish to attract attention.

Batman and Robin make their way to the back.

Robin

Holy wool over our eyes Batman, we've lost him.

Batman

Yes Robin, but keep your eyes peeled, he always seems to...

Batman stops speaking as the song "Batusi A-Go! Go!" comes on. Batman and Robin stand up and lead the dancers in their rendition of the Batusi.

Batman

They're playing my song Robin.

Robin dances up to a female dancer.

Robin

Holy hole in a donut, Batman.

Batman

You've done it again Boy Wonder.

The Dynamic Duo continue dancing...

INT. J. SCHUMACHER CLUB - QUITE SOME TIME LATER

The club is much less "hopping" than it was earlier. Nearly all of the patrons have gone home except, of course, Batman and Robin. They are still dancing, and don't show any signs of slowing down.

Waitress

Batman, please. You've been dancing for hours. Why don't you just come back tomorrow night?

Suddenly, Mr. Freeze jumps up from behind a table. He pushes past the waitress and runs out the back door.

Robin

There he goes Batman!

Batman

After him Robin, after him!

EXT. AN ALLEY BEHIND THE CLUB - NIGHT

Batman and Robin chase Freeze out to the street. All the villains are lying in wait.

Joker

The joke's on you, Batman! You're outnumbered six to two!

Batgirl rushes onto the scene.

Batgirl

Six to three!

Batman

Who are you?

Batgirl

Bruce it's me, Barbara Gordon-Wilson-Pennyworth, Alfred's niece!

Villains

BRUCE?!

Batman

Thanks. Now why are you here and why are you dressed that way?

Batgirl

I'm Batgirl. Uncle Alfred gave me a disk with all the information about you and then I snuck into the Batcave, where Uncle Alfred had constructed an outfit for me in anticipation of my crime-fighting future.

Robin clears his throat for attention.

Batgirl

Hi Dick.

Batman

How did you get past the Batcave security system?

Batgirl

Uncle Alfred programmed his algorithms into the bat-computer and I asked his virtual being to turn off the alarm.

Batman

Programmed his...the guy has one sober moment in 40 years and he becomes Steven Hawking!

(to the villains)

Now the odds are a bit more even!

Another figure steps out of the shadows into the midst of the villains.

Scarecrow

Hey Batman.

Batman

Who are you?

Scarecrow

Don't you remember me, Batman? It was five years ago. You were blindly chasing after some two-bit thief on my farm. You were so obsessed, you didn't even notice when you PUSHED me into that vat of hay! Now, you can call me...the Scarecrow.

Batman

Hi, Scarecrow. I'm Batman. It's still only seven on three. I've fought my way out of worser situations than this.

Poison Ivy

We figured you'd say something like that.

Two-Face

That's why we invited some of our old friends!

Ridiculously, villain after villain emerges from the shadows.

King Tut

I'll send you running home to mummy, Batman!

Batman

Hi King Tut, I'm Batman.

Egghead

I'm going to put you in shell shock!

Batman

Hi Egghead, I'm Batman.

Bookworm

You're in a bind now, Batman!

Batman

Hi Bookworm, I'm Batman.

Archer

I'll make you quiver with fear, Batman!

Batman

Hi Archer, I'm Batman.

Clock King

Time to die, Caped Crusader!

Batman

Hi Clock King, I'm Batman.

Calendar Man

You have a date with death, Batman!

Batman

Hi Calendar Man, I'm Batman.

Clayface

I'm going to mold you a casket, Batman!

Batman

Hi Clayface, I'm Batman.

Ventriloquist

You can't defeat us, you dummy!

Batman

Hi Ventriloquist, I'm Batman.

Darth Vader

Bruce, I'm your father!

Robin

Noooooo!!!

Joker

That's sixteen to three, Batman! The only way we could be stopped now is if a bunch of aliens came and blew up the world!

Suddenly, a dark shadow falls across everyone. A bluish-green light illuminates the area. The heroes and villains gaze upwards. Cut to the ship from Independence Day firing its city-destroying laser into the heart of Gotham. Everyone is consumed in a lake of fire.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN GOTHAM - NIGHT

Music slowly builds up over a black screen. At a climactic point in the score, the Batsignal flicks on, filling the field of view. Batman, silhouetted, runs in front of the light, and he is joined by Robin and Batgirl. The villains run in from the sides, and, before long, every extra in the movie is out there, too, all running towards the camera. Suddenly, Robin blacks out and falls. Chaos ensues as everyone else trips over him.

FADE OUT.

THE END