Now that Hillary Clinton is almost certainly going to be the Democratic candidate, how should she dress?

Melanie, by email

Oh, it’s easy, Melanie! She just needs to be perfectly groomed at all times, but not look high-maintenance; she must wear gorgeous clothes, but they must not cost any money; she should look relatable but never “mumsy”; she must be feminine but not girly; she needs to look tough, but not like a bitch; she has to have perfect hair but spend no money on it; also her hair must not be too long (witchy) or too short (Jimmy Krankie); she must never have plastic surgery, but nor can she look old; she must think about her appearance at all times and simultaneously never think about such a frivolous issue; she has to look reassuringly presidential, which means looking like past male presidents, but she must never look masculine; she can’t wear dresses (too girly), but she also can’t wear trousers (too butch); she can’t wear makeup, but she must also always look as good as if she was wearing makeup; she should dress age-appropriate, but she must also never look like a 68-year-old woman; she should celebrate being a woman, but she also must not remind any men of their mother/ex-wife/any woman in their life who once made them feel sad.

Hillary Clinton’s wardrobe matters – but not from a fashion perspective Read more

But where, you ask, does one find such a magical outfit? Easy! You just buy it at the shop next door to the etiquette school that teaches female politicians how to have a speaking voice that is both strong and decisive, but also feminine and soft; how to be smart, but never ambitious; serious but not humourless; driven but not bossy; focused but not boring; tough but not a bitch; not too pretty but also not too ugly. After those lessons, they can then pop next door to the Female Politician Mentoring School, where they are taught that they should care about women’s issues, but never speak about them; they should never be the boss of any man (because then she’s a bitch boss), but also not the subordinate of any man (because then it looks like she slept her way into the job). Most of all, that they need 10 times more experience than any male politician to prove their worthiness, but also not be tainted by any actual political past. Some say that the contradictory expectations placed on female politicians suggests some people would rather they didn’t exist at all, but I say that’s nonsense. After all, look how easy-peasy it is!

I’ve written before about how leftwing male politicians, such as Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders, are celebrated for looking like they just rolled out of a haystack, as this is taken as a sign of how real they are. But if a female politician appears without a professional blowdry it is assumed she is but one step away from being sectioned in a psychiatric hospital. I suspect a large part of the problem is that most men have no idea what it takes to look like a socially acceptable woman on camera. To prove this, a few months ago, there was – and I’m sorry for using the most annoying phrase in the English language – something interesting on Twitter. Women retweeted men claiming they prefer how women look without makeup, using photos of allegedly bare-faced female celebrities as evidence. Needless to say, all of these women – Emma Watson, Taylor Dayne, Kylie Jenner, Rihanna, Jennifer Lawrence – had clearly each spent about an hour with a professional makeup artist, but because they weren’t wearing bright-red lipstick, those doofuses assumed they weren’t wearing makeup. The fact is that Clinton has to submit to almost as much grooming every single goddamn day as an A-list actress does on Oscars night, just so she can get on with her job and not cause collective disgust in the populace at what a sixtysomething woman looks like. But because men (#notallmen #yesallmen) don’t know this, they then rear back in horror when a female politician fails to hit the magic sweet spot of being simultaneously perfectly groomed and not looking like she expends any effort or time on her grooming.

As regular readers know, I will defend fashion as a feminist pursuit to the last drop of blood in my body. But when people start gabbing on about Clinton’s clothes, focusing on some Armani jacket she once wore instead of noting that she is probably the most qualified candidate in living memory, it’s hard not to suppress the thought they’re not just belittling her, but setting up another hurdle of perfection for another female politician to jump. So, how should Clinton dress? Anyway she goddamn pleases. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Tina Brown.