WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment, scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world’s axolotls. “While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and the disgusting microbes within them that could rapidly mutate into a fatal, incurable disease, we advise against even contemplating the idea,” said the report author Dr. Greg Fritzk, adding that while axolotls’ gills, organs, and digestive tracts were likely teeming with fucked-up deadly pathogens capable of infecting humans, you should put that out of your mind. “Consider, for instance, how unhealthy it would be to let yourself go down a rabbit hole where you obsess about these amphibians, and how any one of them could kick off the plague that finally, violently, wipes out humanity as we know it. That is why we suggest going back to the way things were, and simply forgetting that axolotls exist at all.” At press time, Fritzk added that it was best not to think about the fact that this deadly virus probably existed, and was already coming to finish us all off.

Advertisement