Alright kiddies, it’s almost 2016, time for a damn listicle. Got to give the people what they want! Some of you, like my wife (who I love very much), may be unaware of who Dolores Umbridge is, because “Harry Potter is for kids” and “We’re about to have a baby why are you still talking about Harry Potter have some self respect already.” So, a quick refresher: Umbridge is the primary villain in the fifth Harry Potter book, and Stephen King summed her up well when he said: “The gently smiling Dolores Umbridge, with her girlish voice, toadlike face, and clutching, stubby fingers, is the greatest make-believe villain to come along since Hannibal Lecter.”

For those of you not from New Mexico, Susana Martinez is the Republican governor of our great state. By virtue of her race and gender, Martinez is a rare bird in the Republican party, and is thus coveted as a top potential vice presidential contender. One can only hope she doesn’t take the Path of Palin, as this month she earned the distinction of heading the “Worst Run State in America”. In this rating, Martinez was able to even out-suck Sam Brownback, the Republican governor of Kansas. The last leader to screw over his constituency as bad as Brownback might have been Nero. The man started his term with a Republican super-majority and now has an in-state favorability rating that trails Barack Obama’s by double digits. In his last race, over 100 Kansas Republicans got together to endorse his Democratic opponent.

Martinez merited a worse ranking. She has been Umbridge-level bad. Let’s take a look at her similarities with the Potter villain, shall we?

1. Both use a sickly sweet tone to mask cruelty

This week, Martinez had a fun scandal where she drunk-dialed the cops because she thought they should lay off of a hotel party she and her staffers were throwing. The hotel said the Martinez squad were disturbing other guests and chucking bottles off the balcony, Martinez slurred that they were just “eating pizza.” Adorable! Martinez is basically a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and we should all let her shine on like a crazy diamond. Cowabunga dude!

A more sinister picture emerges, however, when listening to the actual call:

Martinez starts as the picture of innocence (In a high sweet voice: “Loud noise? We’re in a room eating pizza”). The turn happens quickly, as Martinez seeks to get the name of the person who ratted her out (probably Shredder), and the desire to use her power for retribution is crystal clear (“It is public record! Give it to me!”) This is not the first time Martinez’s vindictive streak has been on display.

As for Umbridge, using a mask of sweetness while punishing her challengers was pretty much her whole thing:

2. Both deny the existence of a pending danger and actively obstruct those who wish to fight against that danger

This one’s easy. Umbridge refused to acknowledge the return of Voldemort, Martinez refuses to acknowledge the existence of man-made climate change. Thanks to Umbridge’s obstructionism, Voldemort was able to gain enough power to start a war that killed off more fan-favorite characters than the Red Wedding. Martinez, meanwhile, is a climate change denialist in a state that recently experienced its worst drought in over a hundred years – a state that is projected by NASA to experience a thirty year megadrought this century as a direct result of carbon emissions. Umbridge ended up working with Voldemort, Martinez has accepted $2 mil in contributions from the Oil & Gas industry.

3. Both are terrible for the education system

Susana Martinez’s pizza party call is not the first time a recording of Martinez has stirred up a firestorm of controversy. Last year, Martinez was recorded complaining that teachers got paid too much – this in a state that ranks 47th in the nation for teacher salary. With such low salaries, NM has difficulty attracting talented teachers, and the rather obvious correlation is that NM ranked 49th in the last national education report . But teachers get summers off, so fuck ’em, right?

Dolores Umbridge, meanwhile, didn’t believe the students of Hogwarts should use any spells in her Defense Against the Dark Arts class, leaving her students as woefully unprepared for the rise of Voldemort as New Mexico students are for college.

4. Both persecute those who share their background

Umbridge was a half-blood (like Snape, one of her parents was non-magical). Despite her heritage, Umbridge persecuted other half-bloods as the Head of the Muggle-born Registration Commission. Susana Martinez is a Mexican-American who actively fights against amnesty provisions for more recently arrived Mexican-Americans. She even makes attack ads against Republicans who support amnesty.

5. They both wear pink



See? Here’s Martinez in pink, and Umbridge is in pink up at the top. Coincidence?

. . . . . . . look, they can’t all be winners.