Security Questions for Single, Childless People

Out of all of your friends’ children, what is first name of the one you find most annoying?

What is the make and model of the car you were driving when you realized you don’t actually like to share with anyone?

What is the name of the sports team whose statistics you think about whenever talk turns to finding a good preschool?

What is the middle name of the ex-boy/girlfriend whose profile photo you look at from time to time so as to comfort yourself that you made the right choice in ending that relationship?

When you make a Top 10 list of the places you got to travel to because you didn’t get married and have kids, what ranking is Paris?

What is the age your mother cites when saying, “I thought that by the time you turned ____ you’d be married”?

What was the name of the street of the Starbucks where you met the blind date who made you resolve, “Nope, that’s it, no more blind dates”?

What is the name of the town you got the hell out of when you graduated from high school?

What is the color of the fur of the cat who will be the first one to start chewing on your leg after you die alone at home and leave all of your pets without any food or water for days?

What is the ratio of the amount of times you have casual sex in the last year compared to the amount of times your married best friend assumes you’ve had casual sex?

In one word, sum up your most depressing New Year’s Eve. (Examples: “Measles.” “Robocop.”)

When taking a road trip on your own, what is the first name of the celebrity who you pretend is in the passenger seat with you?

Should you decide that you do want a child, what is the name of your friend or friend’s partner whom you would choose to father/carry that child, in a Big Chill-like scenario?

What is the title of the song that was playing when you realized that your family’s genetic line was going to end with you and your siblings?