Two chimps held at a research facility in the US are waiting to hear if they have been illegally detained

Monkey business: should chimpanzees have the same rights as humans?

Age: Ooh, anyone’s guess. Mankind split from them about four to six million years ago, so – old. Very old.

Appearance: Simian. But they ape humans, too.

Chimpanzees! Surrogate family, faithful friends and eventually subjugated … uh … subjects of Tarzan! PG Tips stars! Circus performers in little pillbox hats and red jackets! Funny word that Harry Hill used to say! It’s this kind of infantilising, patronising attitude that has got us where we are today.

Thank you! No, in a bad way.

Oh, how so? By stopping us thinking about our fellow primates as human beings.

But they’re not. Well, they’re as good as.

No, they’re not. Fortunately, the New York supreme court does not agree with you.

Why, what has it said? Judge Barbara Jaffe recently ruled in a lawsuit brought by the Nonhuman Rights Project –

Wait, isn’t that Ukip? No, that would be the Non-Human-Rights Project.

OK, continue. Jaffe said she would grant a writ of habeas corpus to two chimps, Hercules and Leo, being held in a research facility at Stony Brook University in Long Island, requiring the university to attend a hearing on 6 May to justify the animals’ imprisonment and in effect granting a non-human ape legal “person” status for the first time.

What’s habeas corpus again? No unlawful detention without trial, that sort of thing.

Great news! Think of all the people in Guantánamo! And Yarl’s Wood! And … Let’s just stick to Stony Brook and Hercules and Leo for now, OK? Those are deep waters and we’ve very little room.

Well, what about them? The news was greeted with delight by the NhRP as a great step along the road to recognising the needs and rights of intelligent and emotionally complex creatures such as chimpanzees. At least, it was until …

Until? Well, until Jaffe said there had been a mistake and had the wording corrected so that they were no longer quite so habeas corpussed and legally personhooded.

I see. So the whole thing’s really just been a bit of … monkey business? They’ve still got the hearing on 6 May. So we’ll see.

Do say: “How wonderful that we seek to extend our rights to those who differ slightly from us!”

Don’t say: “Yeah, I’m gonna bring up that Gitmo thing one more time …”