Some may ask, "Why invest so much time and money into each citizen's life just to place them at the mercy of death panels?" And the answer to that is this -- as evidenced by the sinister realities that exist within the minds of its citizens, Americans are just too dangerous to be left to their own devices. So, America, I say to you: Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you.

Although my administration has deported more illegal immigrants than any other in history, we must do more to make America a more inclusive state. That is why after granting amnesty, Obama phones, and driver's licenses to every undocumented immigrant that is already here, my administration will open up the borders without conditions. Every new entry will be registered and forced to vote by the New Black Panther Party. And I urge them to report to their new local government Gift Depot to claim their free gifts. In addition, Puerto Rico must be admitted immediately as the 58th state. Though demographic shifts make this electorally unnecessary, we must do all that we can to make this country less white.

America is a beautiful country where anything is possible. And when I say "anything," I mean anything -- no matter how insane or contradictory -- can be real, if only in your mind. These realities can only take hold within the vacuum of your brave, irrational dreams. In your dreams, there is no Churchill bust we won't deport. No monthly jobs report we will not manipulate. No poll number that is not worth skewing. No conservative blogger too irrelevant to murder. No Cabinet official too important or ambitious to silence in order to hide The Truth about Benghazi. There is no national tragedy or crisis we won't stage to exploit.

Only in this America can flag pins can be melted down and used for fuel in the rebuilt UFOs that crashed in Roswell. In this America, all will be forbidden from placing their hands over their hearts during the Pledge of Allegiance to the government that staged the coup against John F. Kennedy. Only in this America could we take the time and commit the effort to fake the moon landing. In this America, Bill Ayers will ghostwrite the official Agenda 21 manifesto. Only in this America could the inept Bush administration, like FDR's before them with Pearl Harbor, execute a false flag terrorist attack in broad daylight and live on TV, and convince the world that it was committed by Muslim fundamentalists who would later install their own president.

In this America it is not just the duty of every citizen to vote and volunteer, but to actively believe in whatever they want as an expression of the freedom their country has bestowed upon them. A country where, for me, foreign birth is no impediment to joining the CIA, teleporting to Mars, becoming a gay, socialist, Muslim empowered by a cabal of Jewish media-controlling capitalists to institute a techno-aged internationalist, atheistic hellscape of wealth redistribution. In this America all of that and more is possible, however unlikely. But I can't do this alone, America. I can only do this if you believe.

Thank you.

God damn you. And may God damn the United States of America

(ROARING APPLAUSE)

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