1. "Does he think this is going well?" It's just that he looks so happy and he hasn't changed what he's doing at all, which makes me think he's really pleased with how this is going. Crap.

2. "Why is he acting like his fingers are a tiny penis?" I don't want you ramming your fingers into my vagina like it's a jar of mayonnaise that's almost empty. Stop it.

3. "Maybe he doesn't know where my clit is." Does he think it's in my vagina? Like hidden somewhere at the bottom of a cereal box? Would that explain the digging?

4. "Maybe he doesn't know I have a clit." Oh my god, what if he doesn't know about clits. It's going to be a looong night.

5. "Who likes this?" No one could, right? He may as well be massaging my elbow. That's how neutral this feels.

6. "His previous girlfriend must have been an orgasm faker." Maybe I should call her when this is over and we can get ice cream since we've both survived this dude's awful vagina pokes.

7. "Should I be liking this?" Maybe someone else would love to be poked like a child trying to get your attention, but in their vag.

8. "Maybe I'm just out of touch with my sexuality?" Maybe I should just loosen up and go with it. Yeah. It'll get good any minute now. Any minute at all.

9. "Should I be working my tampon applicators more?" You know, to get used to it? Is that a thing?

10. "What is a polite way to tell him this is the worst?" I think I'll go with "never talking to him again after this." That should work.

11. "Is it cool to just grab his hand and put it on my clit?" This way I can make it seem like he probably just got lost and I'm sweetly redirecting him. Like a car GPS system.

12. "Wow. He looks so confident." Look at him go. He looks like he's winning at the Olympics. How can he be so confident with what he's doing when he's so bad at it? Oh, he's a guy.

13. "You are not supposed to wick away moisture like a running bra, you moron." That's like removing all the water from the pitcher and then going to pour a glass for yourself. Uh, you needed that.

14. "Ew, did he just wet his fingers with his spit?" Great. Now old burger residue is floating in my vagina.

15. "Should I just fake it so I can go home?" No. Someone has to tell him this is the worst. And that someone is me. Some other time. Maybe in a year.

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Lane Moore Sex & Relationships Editor I'm Lane Moore, sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.com.

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