

TIME KILLERS



In 1992, an arcade game was released which was so violent that it upset responsible parents everywhere. A game where you could rip your opponent's spinal cord out, punch him in the nuts, or impale him with a spear. A game that used digitized actors in order to make the violence looks more realistic than it ever had before. A game that proudly ushered in a new era of video game violence. That game was called Mortal Kombat. It kicked ass. And whenever a game kicks ass, it usually spawns cheap imitators. Like, say, Time Killers. Time Killers was also released in 1992 and it's very obvious that the game was thrown together as a quick attempt to cash in on the violence craze that Mortal Kombat spawned. Let's compare and contrast:

As you can plainly see, Mortal Kombat had graphics which were state of the art back in 1992. Meanwhile, Time Killers looks like a 6th grader's art class project. It's a mean thing to say, but it's true. Street Fighter 2 came out almost a full year before Time Killers and it had noticeably better graphics than Time Killers. This game seriously looks as though someone scanned hand-drawn pictures into a computer and then colored them in using Microsoft Paintbrush. Sadly, that's probably not too far off from what they actually did.

The problem isn't simply that the graphics are primitive. Good graphics do not automatically make a good game. Halo had great graphics, but that didn't change the fact that it was a stale, repetitive 3D shooter with no real draw. It had boring characters, boring enemies, boring weapons and a multiplayer mode that can only be described as exceptionally ordinary. But Halo had the vehicles!!! Yeah, Halo had vehicles. Excuse me while I make the universal sign for handjobs. On the other hand, dated graphics don't hold back a good game. Many of the old NES classics still stand the test of time: Super Mario Brothers, Castlevania, Contra, the list goes on and on. No, the problem with Time Killers is that there's no subtlety. The development teams at Midway and Capcom spent lots of time and effort creating detailed backdrops for their characters to fight in. Ryu and E. Honda aren't fighting in front of a background, they're fighting in an environment. It takes many hours of game play before you notice every little thing that's been put into a Street Fighter level. There is no such attention to detail in Time Killers.

OK, so the game doesn't have great graphics. The game also doesn't have any plot to speak of. Eight arbitrary champions from throughout history have been pulled out of time and coerced into fighting each other for dominance. But it could still have interesting characters, right? RIGHT??? Take a look for yourself...

The caveman. Every fighting game needs a big slow character who is nearly unplayable. Thugg is that man. Thugg is a popular selection among FUCKING IDIOTS. Thugg big! Thugg smash! No, Thugg sucks.

The viking. The digitized voice on the selection screen pronounces his name "Life", which once again demonstrates just how half-assed this game was. Leif is also big and slow, but he is somewhat less slow than Thugg. This character would have been a lot cooler if it was a hot viking chick instead of a big hairy guy.

The knight. Wülf tells the other Time Killers that he's from Camelot, 1202 AD, but he is a fucking poser. Wülf was born in 1978 in Trenton, New Jersey. He is the lead singer of a Ronnie James Dio tribute band and he is afraid of spiders. He bought his sword at King Richard's Renaissance Faire and it is mostly used for decorative purposes.

The samurai. Originally they wanted to have a ninja in the game instead of a samurai. Unfortunately, the guy they hired could only draw samurai, so that's what they got.

The token black guy. Christ, I'm already bored with writing descriptions of these guys. Orion is one of the fastest characters, but he sucks as a human being. He's a pathological liar and he owes me $12.