Dear Abby Distilled

1. Wake up and smell the coffee.

2. M.Y.O.B.

3. If she’s as intelligent as you say she is, she already knows.

4. See a therapist.

5. Call animal control.

6. Call the cops.

7. Quit blaming yourself.

8. Laws vary state to state. See a lawyer.

9. Give back the ring.

10. There is no polite way of asking, so don’t.

11. Count the silver again to be sure, and next time, use plastic.

12. He’s married.

13. If she can afford “a sports car and designer clothes,” she can afford to help out with the rent and groceries.

14. Tell that “sweetheart of a man” that he has three days to get off the sofa and find a job, or he’s out the door.

15. No one can make you feel like a doormat unless you ask to be treated like one.

16. Call it quits and learn from your experience.

17. Tackiness comes in all forms, as you witnessed for yourself.

18. Don’t drink and drive.

19. Next time, ask for separate checks.

20. Ask yourself: would I be better with him or without him?

21. Accept the fact that you will never get back your grandmother’s jelly dish, and learn from the experience.

22. The law was on your brother-in-law’s side. Next time, get it in writing.

23. Put the paintings up for awhile, then stow them in the closet. If Aunt Beryl asks about her portraits of Muhammad and Groucho, tell her you rotate the artwork in your house.

24. Good luck. You’ll need it.