





One time at summer camp, I desperately needed to use the bathroom; I’m talking about an emergency to the 10th power! I’ll never forget what went down: it was a cold, summer night as various beasts and other woodland creatures roamed the forest foraging for food. I faced two immediate options: get out of my sleeping bag, freeze to death while trying to make it to the bathroom, and possibly get eaten by bears or other creatures, or piss into the woods from atop the wooden balcony our tent rested on, into the forest below. Deciding the best choice was for me to piss off the wooden balcony and save myself from possibly getting attacked by some rabid animal, I went about my dirty deed in peace and quiet. To my dismay as I was releasing my inner fluids, a huge gust of wind came blowing by knocking me clear off my feet and onto my back. I landed hard inside the tent and continued urinating uncontrollably all over the wooden flooring, as if my dick became a sprinkler causing water to squirt out of it at once. I didn’t want to wake anyone up, so I crept back inside my sleeping bag and fell fast asleep. All I have to say is, “Thanks God for letting one loose in my general direction. You’re a really cool guy now, aren’t you? You fucking bastard!” The next day it became very humid resulting in the urine warping into the wood, which created a terrible musty smell spreading throughout the entire radius of our campground. I did my best to conceal the fact that I was the perpetrator who committed this heinous bathroom crime on the wood flooring within our tent. Unfortunately, I am a horrible liar and was found out in no time at all. From that point forward, the whole camp found out about my bathroom antics, and came up with a series of nicknames for me. Immediately, my peers dubbed me “PISS BREATH” and “CAPTAIN URINE”. I learned a valuable life lesson: if you need to piss in the wild never go on any wooden surfaces, it will leave a horrible odor when it dries. The Schmuck Buddha is the king of bathroom antics and you can bet your sweet bippy that I know my shit. Trust me, you will never go wrong if you listen to my words of wisdom.

-Episode 13: Hear my commentary and a verbal re-telling of the story through my perspective.