Late-night hosts decode another day of impeachment hearings in the House and testy moments on the Democratic campaign trail

Stephen Colbert

It’s just over two weeks until Christmas, and already “we got a little present ahead of time from the inspector general,” said Stephen Colbert on Monday’s Late Show. That would be a report from the justice department inspector general’s office on the FBI’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election, which debunked months of claims from Trump that the investigation was a political hit and concluded that “the FBI had sufficient evidence … to lawfully open the Russia investigation.”

“End of story. Truth wins,” Colbert said. “This wasn’t an overthrow of the government. This wasn’t even an attempted overthrow and no one was ‘in on it’.” He then showed video of Trump, telling reporters on Monday afternoon that the Russia investigation “was an attempted overthrow, and a lot of people were in on it”.

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“So you’re saying the deep state was trying to overthrow your government when they started the Russia investigation in July of 2016, before you were elected?” Colbert retorted. “Keep in mind … nothing Trump said today when he talked about the report is actually in the report. He is, once again, just naming an alternate reality he wants to exist.

“On one level,” continued Colbert, “obviously this is fun, and hahaha. But it’s also really dangerous, because why have an election if next November 3 he could just say: ‘I just saw the election results, I won all 50 states plus Manitoba, thank you for your service you patriotic beavers.’”

Two can play that game, Colbert said, countering with his own analysis of the inspector general report: “Hey, did you hear what was in the IG report? It’s much worse than any of us imagined – Trump confessed to colluding with the Russians to influence the 2016 election AND to stopping the Golden Globes from nominating any women for best director.”

Trevor Noah

On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah added a “Damage Control” chapter of “World War D”, his coverage of the Democratic presidential race. “As we get closer and closer to the primaries, all the Democratic candidates are learning that while the beginning of the race was fun and games, once you get into crunch time, people start digging into your history,” Noah said. “And this weekend, everyone was talking about a confrontation involving Joe Biden, the candidate with the most history.”

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At a town hall in Iowa, one voter told Biden he was concerned the former vice-president was too old to run for president, and brought up his son Hunter Biden’s board seat at a Ukrainian energy company, which has become an attack point for Republicans. Biden testily responded with a push-up challenge and told the voter to “get your facts straight”.

“This guy said he was concerned that Biden might be too old to run for president, and then instead of addressing the man’s concerns, Biden challenged him to push-ups?” Noah said. “You realize, Joe Biden, this could’ve ended terribly, because what if that old man beat Biden? Now, he’s the Democratic frontrunner.”

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Warren’s campaign released personal financial records showing that the Massachusetts senator made close to $2m in private legal work since 1986. The information generated what Noah explained as misleading headlines: “The headlines make it sound like Elizabeth Warren was balling out of control but in reality, she earned $2m in over 30 years, which averages out to a modest 60k a year,” he said. “That is the complete opposite of balling – at 60k a year, you aren’t popping champagne in the club; you’re carefully removing the cork, pouring it into the glass, and then saving the rest for the time you come back to the club.”

Thus concluded the update on Democratic candidates, which was sort of funny, Noah said, because “the Democrats are trying so hard to defend even the smallest skeletons in their closet. Meanwhile, Trump’s rolling through the streets with a squad of skeletons, like ‘These aren’t skeletons, these are just skinny people. And if you don’t believe me, you can do push-ups.’”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers recapped a day of impeachment hearings before the House judiciary committee. Specifically, Meyers focused on the GOP counsel Stephen Castor, who testified that “to impeach a president that 63 million people voted for over eight lines in a call transcript is baloney”.

“Ohhh, it’s, uh, baloney?” Meyers laughed. “Really loses the drama when the word you’re ramping up to is baloney. You never hear a detective in a mystery novel say ‘I’ve deduced the suspect’s alibi is baloney!’

“Castor’s demeanor throughout this whole thing was that of a guy who knew he was fighting a losing battle,” Meyers continued. “In fact, instead of keeping his documents in a briefcase or cardboard boxes like most lawyers, he showed up to the hearing this morning with his papers in a grocery store tote bag. It’s like he forgot about the hearing till the last minute and then had to find whatever was lying around his house.”

In other news, Meyers found one unlikely point of agreement with the president in remarks Trump gave on Friday about cutting back EPA regulations. “You’ve got to give it to Trump – he might not know how toilets work, he might not care about the climate crisis, but when he’s right, he’s right,” Meyers said in reference to the president’s claim that “You have many states where they have so much water that it comes down, it’s called rain.”

“Can’t argue with the man,” Meyers said. “That’s airtight.”