Prolific EDM producer and porno playing cards collector, Martin Garrix, has announced plans to release an autobiography later this year.

Garrix (18) is planning on taking a short break from the music industry, to pen what critics are calling possibly the shortest autobiography of all time, after his busy summer touring schedule comes to a close.

“I’ll probably take the first Monday and Tuesday off in October to get the book done,” claimed Garrix in a quick catch up with Wunderground. “I haven’t really been alive very long but according to some people I’ve achieved a lot so an autobiography seemed like the natural thing for my record label to tell me to do.”

“It shouldn’t take too long to get it down, I’ve already made a rough draft of what I want in the book, here you can see it,” he claimed while producing a McDonald’s Happy Meal receipt with eight words scribbled on it. “I’ll just give this to my team of ghostwriters and sit around playing Playstation and wanking for two days and then, just like magic, I’ll have a best seller. It’s very similar to the creative process I use when making music.”

According to a source close to the Dutch DJ the first half of the book will be about Garrix’s struggles to install a cracked version of Ableton Live onto his PC as a twelve year old, while the second half will deal him becoming a “legend of the scene” after producing one song. Both of which will sandwich in a very amusing passage about a wet dream Garrix had featuring Lisa Lashes on the eve of his fourteenth birthday.

While the book may seem to be lacking in any artistic content Garrix’s PR team insist it will be an instant classic due to it’s impeccable packaging.

“It’ll look like the real deal,” explained a loyal member of Garrix’s PR army. “It’s going to have a lovely glossy finish that’ll make it really appealing to EDM fans, despite having practically no credibility, a lot like Martin’s music and career to date.”

“It’s what’s known in the industry as ‘polishing a shite’ and it is a very effective method of extracting money from an audience who are incapable of forming opinions on what they like themselves but instead prefer to be spoon fed rubbish by the mass media.”

Garrix’s book is set for general release next November, just in time for Christmas, and will be available in a number of different formats including pamphlet, colouring book and an audio-book read by Tiësto.