Congratulations on your recent purchase of an Alex Burrows, Veteran Edition™! In order to get the most out of your new winger, please read the following instructions carefully.

You might have heard well-publicized complaints from earlier editions of the Alex Burrows. Please be assured that engineers have addressed this, and the Veteran Edition will not cause any issues with biting or hair yanking. (We cannot, however, ensure the product will not aggravate, irritate or otherwise harass anyone wearing either a Boston Bruins or Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. This issue has caused few complaints from owners, however, and any occurrences should at least prove entertaining.)

article continues below

If you want to get the most out of him, care and maintenance of your Alex Burrows are paramount. Here are some suggestions to maximize your enjoyment.

Be sure to store your Alex Burrows on a cool bench next to young, energetic players. You’ll find that your Burrows will help keep your rookies fresh, energetic, focused and productive.

If you notice your Burrows is the first on and last off the ice, don’t fret; that behavior is normal and is well within product parameters.

To keep your Burrows happy and healthy, be sure to feed him a good amount of penalty kill minutes each game. This will keep him sharp and chippy, and it should also improve the disposition of your goaltender.

Additionally, for best results, be sure to place your Burrows in clutch situations. In particular, you will find him effective in slaying dragons and busting slumps.

You might be unsure exactly where to situate your Burrows. Good news! You will find he is very adaptable to different environments, and will thrive in almost any situation. Try him in various spots throughout your lineup and choose the role where he seems the happiest. He does best when planted alongside an identical set of franchise twins, but has also been noted to excel next to a 21-year-old dynamic centre.

There are a few caveats any Burrows owner should be aware of. He does not respond well to potato farmers and exposure should therefore be limited to avoid potential altercations.

It should be noted that it’s quite common for a Burrows to be unintelligible in both English and French. If you don’t understand what your Burrows is saying, either ask him to repeat or just smile and nod.

Additionally, the vocal pitch of your Alex Burrows might shift in proximity to a Marc Crawford, but the effect is temporary and should have no impact on his performance.

Lastly, don’t be surprised if shortly after you plant him in your community, your Burrows grows roots. The fruit of a Burrows plant is very healthy and should be a welcome addition to your city.

One final note: your new Burrows may result in a large number of west coast hockey fans joining your playoff bandwagon. They can be spotted by their natural green coats and playful-yet-cynical dispositions. Be kind to them, they probably just miss their Burrows very much.