This morning I woke up earlier than usual and decide to check my social media accounts out of habit to see if there was anything new going on regarding the murder of Alton Sterling. Instead, I get bombarded with a stream of tweets with a new hashtag - #PhilandoCastile.

My heart instantly sank.



I already took yesterday morning off for self care and I don’t get enough vacation days to take off another day in a row with no explanation (not that I owe him one) to my supervisor.



I spent the first few minutes crying and gathering my thoughts. Why is there no break between these events? Am I really expected to walk into my job today and keep my performance on 100 when I really feel like 0? I felt useless, helpless, enraged and upset.



I tried to go back to bed, but it was too late. I was up and all I could think about was how am I going to tackle this new work day? I would be walking into an office full of white people that I have extremely superficial office relationships with and I am the only black person in our group.

I felt, and still feel, totally isolated.



It’s hard enough navigating white spaces as a young black woman, but doing it in corporate America when you consider yourself someone to be “woke” or aware of black oppression can make you feel like you are slowly turning inward on yourself and losing your grip on who you are. I feel this when when I feel myself on guard 40+ hours of the week. I’m always ready for a co-worker to say the next racist thing to me or make unnecessary comments about my hair.



What’s the solution then? What do you when you’re surrounded daily by people who don’t even regard you as a full human being and see you as some sort of oddity?



How do you navigate through the feelings of people who look like you getting shot and killed and get through another work week?

I honestly don’t have a solid concrete answer for this. Many would say disengage from all social media, but right now social media and the internet is the only way I can keep contact and keep track of and talk to other black people. It reminds me that I’m not alone and that I’m not the only one feeling this way.

For me, self care looks like a mixture of engaging in online discourse, eating a few treats, watching funny videos by and for black people, and Skyping with my boyfriend. Blaring loud k-pop music also helps from time to time.



Self care looks different for everyone.



For some engaging with other black people online creates a feeling for solidarity. It could be one place where they can cultivate an all black digital space that understands their emotions and that is valid.

