Don’t cum.

That’s it. That’s all you need to know: how to control your ejaculation.

Why is this so vital?

In order to move into deeper realms of sexual experience – for both you and her – you, the guy, have to be able to prolong that experience. It takes men some time to cool off enough to really get going; and it takes women a while to warm up enough to really get going.

It’s when we meet somewhere in between that the real sparks begin to fly. My wife claims that it takes a good two hours or so of sex before she can get deep enough to have the kind of earth-shattering orgasms which make their way into her journal. She has many orgasms along the way too, and that’s the point: it’s all about the journey, and you cannot have a prolonged journey if your cock is spent!

When a man has no control over his ejaculation, he cannot meet his woman sexually or emotionally. David Deida, “The Way of the Superior Man”

As long as you’re locked and loaded, you are an active participant. You want to stay that way at least until she is completely sated (and then some), or has passed out from the experience, or has to leave. Your parting gesture can be the few final thrusts necessary to put yourself over the edge.

When I was 18 I met a woman with whom I began to have intercourse on a regular basis for the first time in my life. I was under the impression that I was supposed to be able to get between her legs and pump away like a jack-hammer for hours on end without the slightest difficulty or need to hold off. I was supposed to be a master of ejaculation control, not the least bit bothered by the intense desire to shoot. I’d last no more than three to five minutes, however.

I went so far as to practice doing Kegal muscle exercises every day so I could hold off. I practiced masturbating until the point where I was going to cum, and then holding off by not touching my penis. Eventually I realized that no amount of Kegel muscle strength or will power or squeezing of my cock would prevent me from ejaculating, once that process had begun.

The trick is: do not let yourself get to the point of no return.

Instead, you must do whatever is necessary to prevent yourself from shooting. This must be your new goal: wait before entering her; stop moving while inside her – and if need be, make sure she stops moving too (a good time to grab her ass); pull out altogether; if this is tough, grab the base of your penis and squeeze to allow yourself to safely get out of her.

If you’re too excited to enter her, then don’t. You can ease into her by holding your penis and using it instead of your finger or tongue to play with her opening, rub her clit, explore her folds, etc. This will give you control over the amount of sensation you receive. When you’re calm enough, gently push your tip into her folds, pulling away if you get too close to the edge. Keep doing this until you can easily dip into her. Take your time. This will feel good to her.

Once you’re inside, do not move at all. You are not a jack-hammer. It is quite enjoyable to just be there, without moving. Do other things without pumping: kiss her, feel her body, run your fingers through her hair, tell her how hot she is.

Consciously relax your body, especially your groin. Breath into it, letting go of tension in your lower abdomen, thighs, back, and even your anus, while monitoring your urge to cum in the background. If it gets too close, then pull out and begin the process again. Once you can enter her and can hold off without moving, then s l o w l y start to move your legs against hers, your chest, your face and hands, but keep your penis relatively still, moving it sparingly, gently, sensuously.

The irony is that all of these methods (or any other) will only add to her pleasure. Think of it as teasing, as play, or even as denying her the sensation she wants in the moment, allowing her desire to build and build.

Holding off and preventing yourself from ejaculating will get easier; you will become more relaxed and confident; you will learn how good it feels to just chill in this place of excitation without fear of involuntary ejaculation, and this will motivate you more than the need to shoot. Remember that much of premature ejaculation is mental: we either feel as if we can’t hold off or don’t want to as the sensation is too great. In either case, beginning with a decision not to cum and holding onto that will help.

The good news is that somewhere between 20 – 30 minutes of having an erection without ejaculating, you pass a magical threshold where the body naturally produces the chemicals found in pills like Viagra, with much the same effect: your penis will become a little numb; you will need more stimulation to ejaculate; your erection becomes highly tumescent and stays locked-in as if it will never go down again. Okay, now you’re ready to start fucking like a porn star. But don’t.

All too often our sexual experiences lack two important elements: time and space.

Rather t han searching for techniques to make her squirm and squirt and have a G-spot orgasm, add the element of time to your sexual repertoire: don’t rush to get inside of her (and don’t rush once you are). Allow the desire to build – especially for her sake. Keep your penis out of her until she really wants it. And then make her wait a little longer if you’re a cheeky devil. Or give her what she wants if not.

Every woman is different, so instead of frantically learning tips, tricks and special formulas, use the time you now have to allow your desire (and your partner’s responses) to be your guiding light: allow yourself to be sensual; be sexual; be curious; be playful. You know all those things you think about while looking at your favourite porn? Now that she’s there in front of you, start doing them!

Explore her body in they ways you’ve fantasized about: run your fingers along her abdomen; feel her hair against your chest; take in her smell; kiss her in the places you’ve always wanted to, like in the crease of her thigh, the base of her back, the nape of her neck, her armpit, nipple. Hold her close; spoon; rub; nibble, and expose.

The highly erotic element of space is also much neglected. That initial tangle of desire and heated bodies is hot, but you can make it hotter when the heat is turned down to a slow simmer: pull away from her. Create physical space between you.

If you’re both naked, there’s nothing more intimate than simply looking at each other’s bodies with space between you. If you’re brazen enough, ask her to open her legs to expose her otherwise hidden treasure. She may ask the same of you. Explore her vulva with your eyes; drink in the visual sensuality of her body; feel the excitation of the moment. Touching yourselves in front of each other is very revealing, personal, and so intimate it can be embarrassing for both of you.

The discomfort and embarrassment let you know that you are going deeper into the experience, sharing in ways which you don’t usually share with others. This is intimacy.

Every once in a while, after I’ve not cum, or edged, for days, I am able to have a tantric orgasm. This is an orgasm without ejaculation. These enable you to expand your sexual experience even more, and offer a way to play and have an orgasm without cumming so you can last forever, in theory. Something to which we can all aspire.

But the greatest pay-off from controlling your ejaculation is the smile of satisfaction on your partner’s face as she falls asleep next to you, calm, spent, happy, and wanting to do that again. If you still have not cum, then you can wake her during the night, or greet her early the next morning with a stiff salute of what’s to cum during the day, and into the night, and the next day.