BERKELEY, CA — In a sign that outrage culture may well have reached its zenith, outspoken Liberal Arts major Lisa Ferguson cannot recall whether or not her current boycott of the Solo boycott is hypocritical. According to Ferguson, the Trump administration, Twilight fan fiction, Kanye West, the alt right, the patriarchy and Disney’s handling of the Star Wars films have made it difficult to recall her position on the myriad of boycotts, appeals, Twitter shaming campaigns and Groupons she may or may not have participated in.

“It’s hard for me to keep track of all the causes I get behind, especially those tied to the big issues facing my generation — the trouble with Apu, who is playing young Han Solo, how many straight white men worked on Star Wars and who KStew is dating these days,” said Ferguson en route to a protest at a local Starbucks guilty of serving unicorn frappuccinos. “Cultural appropriation of the worst kind. These monsters think fantasy is up for grabs. You can’t just commercialize unicorns to make a color changing coffee drink. Ugh. Literally shaking,” said a noticeably shaking Ferguson. “I’m like 75% sure I was part of the original boycott of Solo, because hashtag Not My Solo rings a bell though I’m not entirely certain… but now, those guys have gone overboard with the silly memes and ridiculous tweets. Honestly, they’re making the rest of us look bad. There’s an art to policing fandom without becoming part of the problem,” said Ferguson through long purple bangs. “So yeah, I’m boycotting the boycott of Solo, because the original boycott has evolved into a boycott no self-respecting boycotter can be a part of.”

Translation: Ferguson has no issues with Solo: A Star Wars Story for the moment. Aren’t you glad we cleared that up?

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