With oil prices continuing to fluctuate and investor confidence at an all time low, oil companies are struggling to innovate fresh new ways to increase demand. At a Houston Texas press conference this Monday oil executives announced that they were phasing out crude oil in favor of more polite oil.

“We’ve been looking at any and all ways to cut costs to drive our GPM back up.” Oil spokesman Pete Rollum told reporters, “One of the major costs we’re incurring is the refinement process. The gas you buy at the station isn’t what comes out of the ground. What comes out of the ground is an extremely crude black substance that has absolutely no manners whatsoever. It swears, it puts its elbows on the tables, and when it passes gas it lifts up its leg and makes a huge spectacle.”

While crude oil is easier to obtain, he says the costs of refining it into something more socially acceptable are putting a financial strain on the oil companies. “We’re spending billions of dollars putting this oil through etiquette training and wine tastings in order to make it classy enough for today’s discerning consumer. It occurred to us that if we could collect more polite oil at the source we could save millions on post processing.”

The key, oil scientists say, is building oil collection systems that are more attractive to polite oil. Many of today’s oil rigs are harsh looking, dirty hunks of steel operated by hardened men with foul mouths. New infrastructure plans aim to change this.

“Think of oil like people on a night out.” Rollum says, “You’re not going to many see wine aficionados at Rebel’s Honky Tonk and you’re definitely not going to see anyone riding a mechanical bull at Café Rabelais. We’re just trying to get a more sophisticated type of oil through our doors.”

Plans to attract more polite oil include enforcing formal oil rig dress codes, installing romantic mood lighting, and selling oil in long necked glass barrels.

Sounds like it’s a good time to invest in oil, it’s definitely going up!

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