How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory

Previously: How to talk to babies about gender theory.

BABY: want book

ME: that is the rankest consumerism

BABY: book

ME: oh you want to be a subject?

you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly?

BABY: book

ME: sure

fine

you realize you’re resisting literally nothing right now

BABY: want green book

BABY: [sleeps]

ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY

BABY: [sleeps]

ME: no of course not

you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT

like a plutocrat

BABY: [sleeps]

BABY: bbbbb

ME: i really need you to check your cognitive biases right now

BABY: bbbbb

ME: ok youre not even reevaluating your original premise here

BABY: bbbbb

ME: youre just repeating your previous work

BABY: bbbbb

ME: this is self-plagiarism

ME: what do we think of German idealism

BABY: [grasps own foot]

ME: come on

you know this

what do we think of Young Hegelians

BABY: [releases foot]

ME: I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS

BABY: [spits up]

ME: thats right

very good

BABY: [builds tower with blocks]

ME: ok this is very good

under capitalism massive building projects are constructed through wage slavery

and through their sheer size and scale intimidate and pacify the masses

so this is a great comment

BABY: [knocks over tower]

ME: that’s right

[The baby is taking a bath]

ME: okay

which one of these floaty toys represents alienation?

BABY: [splashes]

ME: baby

which one of these floaty toys

represents

alienation

BABY: [grasps duck]

ME: well this is just

the rankest commodity fetishism

i’m taking the duck back

youre obviously not ready

BABY: [cries]

ME: are you ready to tell me which floaty toy represents the alienation of the worker?

because if you’re not ready for that

youre not ready for the duck

BABY: [cries]

ME: oh, honestly

just — here, take it

BABY: [chortles]

ME: now i represent the alienation of the exploited worker

well played baby

BABY: [nurses]

ME: okay this is a great illustration

of profit and exploitation

BABY: [gurgles]

ME: YOU ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE LABOR THEORY OF VALUE

YOU ARE A BARNACLE

BABY: [nurses]

BABY: [tears apart newspaper]

ME: that’s very good

the apparatus that props up capitalism will destroy itself some day