AN: Thanks to reviewers ShadeFallen, frankenj0nes, Gcohen, sedryn, and the guest for their kind comments in the previous chapter. My family is not very religious and rather liberal, so I have not personally experienced the kind of struggle while coming out that may be more common for gay children in fundamental Christian households. As such, I was trying to do a little research into the topic for writing this chapter, and I must say, the content of those conservative websites infuriates me. So, just a little warning...this chapter and maybe the next one too may be even more uncomfortable than the previous two.

Courtship of the Grad Student

Chapter 22

Agnarr was silent while his followers and he packed their belongings from across the street to Nikolas and Justin's house. After thanking his supporters, he got into the car and drove off without a word.

Iduna sat by his side on the passenger seat. She didn't know whether she should say something.

"The police…didn't hurt you or anything, right?" she asked.

"I'm fine."

"I know you can't accept Nikolas' choices, but…nothing happened back there, right?"

"Nothing happened."

She hesitated with her next words, but decided to say them in the end, "…I was the one who called the police. I was worried…that…things would escalate."

"I know."

There was no anger in Agnarr's voice. There was no disappointment. His voice quivered, and after driving on for another block, he pulled over the car.

"Agnarr, you alright?"

Tears fell down Agnarr's cheeks. At first, he tried to stop them, to hide them, but he couldn't, and he gave up.

He was crying now. Iduna had never seen him like this. In his cracking voice, he said, "I'm not alright, Iduna. I'm not alright. I can't be…"

He broke down in Iduna's arms. She wanted to help, but she knew the best she could do was to comfort him like this for now.

It took minutes, but finally Agnarr's sobs subsided. He let go of Iduna and vigorously wiped his tears away with the back of his sleeve. It was so indignant. Iduna looked away to give him what little privacy he wished for at the moment. A grown man wailing like a child. He felt ashamed.

"It's okay, Agnarr. I'm here. I'm with you. Would you like to tell me what exactly happened back there?" Iduna asked gently.

Agnarr took a deep breath, but the air choked in his lungs. He almost broke into tears again, but this time he got a grip of himself. "You already know, right? That Anna…she's…with that woman. She says she loves her, like how Nik…"

There were a million things Iduna wanted to say to what Agnarr just told her. "How did you find out?" "Did she come out to you?" "Did you see her with Elsa?" "Please don't blame her." "Please don't blame yourself." But she could say none of those things. None of it would remedy the situation.

"You're right in what you did, Iduna. When I saw her…with that…woman, I…everything just hit me like a truck. I was blaming Nik, I was so angry I could've killed him, but it's…it's all because I didn't want to admit how much of an utter failure of a father I am! If you hadn't called the police, who knows what I would've done? I'm that pathetic!"

"It's okay. Everything will be fine…"

"It won't be! Nothing will be fine anymore! What did I do wrong? Why did Anna turn out like this? How can I have her back? I just want the best for her…she's my only daughter, I love her…"

"I know you love her. I know." Iduna held Agnarr's hand. "Don't worry, we won't lose her. That's not what's going to happen."

Agnarr slipped away from Iduna. "No, I've got to do something. I have to do something for her."

Iduna wanted to tell Agnarr to stop, but what would that accomplish? Whatever he was going to do, he was already set on it. And there was even that small, small part of Iduna that secretly wished Agnarr could really do something for Anna. Wouldn't it be a lot easier if Anna shared their sexuality? This devastation wouldn't happen, and everything would feel normal again. Their daughter would not have to worry about societal pressures against her love, she'd be able to celebrate it with all their family and friends, and they'd live happily ever after with grandchildren and all – like a fairy tale.

It hurt Iduna to realize what a hypocrite she really was, and ultimately, that was what made her keep quiet about Agnarr's decision.

What right did she have to question Agnarr's homophobic attitudes when, really, she was the same?

"Just promise me one thing," she whispered to Agnarr, "No matter what, you must always remember Anna is your daughter. You must always love her, alright? If you ever say something like disowning her, I would never forgive you."

Agnarr squeezed Iduna's hand. "I promise. I will always love Anna. I will always love you too, Iduna."

Towards the end of the month, Anna always received a sum of money from her parents to pay for rent.

This December, that money didn't come.

"You can stay here for as long as you want," Elsa assured her. She had packed her belongings and moved in with Elsa for the past two weeks.

"Thanks. But I'll move out as soon as possible," Anna answered, "Or if you want to keep living together, we can find a basement suite on campus and share the rent or something."

Even though Elsa had repeatedly told Anna that money really wasn't an issue, she nodded to what Anna said, knowing this would make her feel better. "Alright, but let's not worry about that until your finals are done, okay?"

"Okay."

But it was with no doubt that Elsa's words would not amount to anything.

How could Anna not worry?

Elsa stared as Anna ground her teeth together, and in frustration, nearly snapped the pencil in her hand.

There was an email Brad had sent Elsa a few days ago that she thought she should talk to Anna about, but looking at the state Anna was in, she relented.

Now was probably not a good time. It made her guilty to keep a secret like this, but there was no helping it.

"You want to take a break, Anna?"

It took a few tries before Anna snapped out of her thoughts and even heard what Elsa had just said. "A break, you say?"

"Yeah. Remember how we promised Aurora that we'd all go and see her cousin, Philip, this weekend?"

"Oh…yes."

This reminded Anna of their visit to the Moors Lab just a while back. Elsa had broken down from the stress of her publication, and it was only with Anna's help that she managed to face the situation and face herself head-on.

"I'm so sorry I forgot all about it. I feel pathetic," Anna said.

"Please don't be. This isn't anything important. I just thought you could use a day off from all the studying."

"Yeah, I guess. A breath of fresh air would be nice."

Thus they set off first to buy a bouquet of cyclamen, gladiola, and alstroemeria, and then drove off campus in the direction of the cemetery.

The ride there was mostly silent. Anna was usually enthusiastic to chat while they were on long drives, but today, she responded Elsa's inquiries with few words. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk. The feelings in her heart were just such a jumbled mess - she couldn't find the mood to say much of anything.

"You want a blueberry muffin? I bought a pack from Costco and it's sitting in the back seat." Elsa offered.

"That sounds good."

Anna reached back for a muffin and pulled off a chunk to put in her mouth. The sweetness should be overwhelming, but it came across as rather tasteless. She stared out the window at the cloudy skies above the flat horizon, the ocean below a dull, dark grey that hardly rippled under the stale winter air. The trees were bare, covered only by a thin sheet of snow that had already started melting, forming wet mush that plopped lifelessly to the ground.

"I'm sorta making things awkward here, huh?" Anna couldn't help but mutter.

"Yeah, but that's okay. I'm usually the one making things awkward, so I can totally understand," Elsa replied.

"You know…I really want to let you know all the stuff that's in my head, but like, I can't even figure it out myself."

"That's okay. Don't force yourself. Just know that even if it comes across as jumbled and incoherent, I'd still be here to listen."

"Okay."

There was another long bout of silence before Anna spoke again.

"I don't know how I feel."

"It's complicated, right?"

"Yeah…like…I don't think I'm that angry anymore. Or maybe I wasn't even that angry to begin with."

"Uh huh…"

"When Uncle Nik talked to me, like, about how I don't need to hide my anger and all, and I should let it give me power, I think what he said makes total sense. I just can't actually convert the anger to power, because the anger isn't really there anymore."

"From what I know, you don't seem like the type to hold grudges."

"No, I'm not. I'm not the type to hold…anything. I once thought my strong point is perseverance, but seems like I don't even have that."

"I won't try to say I know you better than yourself, and tell you that you are wrong in that assumption, but I am curious as to why you would think that of yourself."

"Before, when I chose a goal, I'd carry on with it. I emailed Dr. Winters more than thirty times to come work here. But now that I consider it, that wasn't really perseverance. I just did the only thing I knew how to do. Now that I don't know what to do, I'm just sitting here.

When my parents cut me off financially, I didn't feel angry, I didn't feel sad. It was all expected. I don't know what else Pa's gonna do next, but whatever it is, I doubt I'd feel anything either. This should be perfect. I don't feel anything for him anymore, then I can just get on with my life, right? I have you and I have Uncle Nik and I have Kristoff and Merida and Rapunzel…it isn't like I'm alone or anything. But for some reason, I'm almost scared Pa's not gonna keep doing something crazy to force me back home. I'm scared of what he would do and I'm scared of what he wouldn't do. Maybe I'm scared of him giving up on me. Am I like…a masochist or what?"

"I wouldn't use that exact term, but I don't think correcting you would make you feel better anyway. Masochist or not, maybe you can just accept that part of yourself?"

"Accept that I'm gonna let Pa haunt me for the rest of my life!?"

"The rest of your life sounds a little too long to contemplate though, doesn't it? Look, you were so restless before that the road ahead probably seemed endless to you, but see how it ended? See how we have already arrived?"

Indeed they have. Anna had not even noticed it in her pointless ramblings, but they had already arrived at the cemetery, a hill of green lined with neatly cropped tress, overlooking the sea in the distance. The area was quiet and cold, the breeze that hit them a chilling slap in the face. It was an eerie feeling, but strangely, Anna did not dislike it.

The emptiness was just like her heart, and the imagery it drew gave a comforting resonance. She was allowed to wander the emptiness here, reflecting upon the most mundane of things, reminiscing, doing activities that had no clear direction.

They met the others at Philip's grave. The sun was already starting to set, the skies dimming into a dusty grey.

"You actually came," Hans said to Elsa.

"When have I ever missed my appointments?"

"Oh Hans, Elsa, glad you guys came. Anna too. I'm sure Phillip would enjoy the company," Aurora answered.

Mally and Diaval were standing a little ways from them, both in formal black attire, hands clasped solemnly in front of them. The flowers they brought formed a bright ring around the grave, giving it a cheerful glow amidst the dying hues in its surroundings.

"Phillip would've liked it like this, right?" Elsa said.

"Yeah. You might not have been the best of friends, but he'd have wanted you here," Hans replied.

"Do you just have to chide me every chance you've got?"

"Why not? You make yourself an easy target."

"And I'm sure Philip would've been very pleased with your bickering too." Aurora joined in.

"Given his personality, I actually wouldn't be surprised," Hans said, to which Elsa actually had no rebuttal.

"Just like the old days, right?" Diaval muttered to the darkening skies. Sadness was a negative emotion, but there was an undeniable beauty to it, like an art. Sadness only came to those who had something to lose, and in feeling sad, one remembered the wonderful things they once possessed.

"You help me keep an eye on that new girl. I'm going to chat a little with my little wintery beastie," Mally answered Diaval on an unrelated note. Diaval quirked an eyebrow.

"Can you try to be a little clearer about who exactly you're referring to? Your sense for nicknames is rather horrible."

"There's nothing wrong with my naming sense. There's everything wrong with your intellect."

Mally ignored him and walked up to Elsa, tapping her on the shoulder.

"Come with me for a bit."

Elsa cast a longing glance at Anna, but the latter smiled, gesturing for her to go. She had little choice but follow Mally for a stroll.

"Is there something you want from me?" Elsa asked.

"I thought you'd want something from me. I don't make offers often."

Mally was a brilliant woman, and it showed in just how difficult it was to communicate with her sometimes.

"Sorry, I don't think I know what you mean."

"I was referring to my wisdom. You can't be thinking I don't have any, given my eccentricities?"

Elsa chuckled a little. "I didn't know you would consider yourself eccentric too."

"Of course I do. I do it on purpose so those dumb fucks in my department would leave me alone." Mally gave a sly grin. "So? Do you want to talk about Brad's email?"

Elsa was mildly surprised. "How did you know about it?"

"Unlike your lost sheep of an undergrad, I do have connections."

"Brad told you all about it?"

"I was down at that tropical island where he's doing his sabbatical last week for a conference. The damn drunkard even called me his dearest friend, so no surprises your little secret is secret no more."

Elsa sighed. "I thought there are university policies on privacy."

"There are policies, and then there are drunkards. The only policies drunkards like him know are ranting, fighting, puking, and peeing in their pants."

"That does not sound very pleasant."

Elsa should be concerned, because Brad's email to her was about an informal complaint he received from Agnarr about Elsa's misconduct as Anna's lab supervisor.

"Don't worry though, Brad had this dear friend, Me, to shut his trap up. Nobody else knows about this."

"The allegations are unfounded and I have nothing to fear," Elsa responded squarely.

"True. Your undergrad's old man's complaint is a desperate move. First off, a complaint on your misconduct can only be filed by the victim. Her dad, who has been a good thousand kilometers away from campus, has no evidence for his allegations. And he knows. Brad asked him to consult his daughter so she'd file a complaint herself, but he had nothing to say to that. Plus, you have no grading power over your undergrad's thesis. You are her online course TA, but by Corona's own words you notified him of your relationship and never marked her papers since. You have nothing on her to be able to coerce her in any way. That leaves whether or not you've committed any kind of assault, but your undergrad's dad actually denied anything of the sort. By the looks of it, the guy just wants to put pressure on Brad to separate the two of you, but he doesn't want his concept of his daughter's pure honour to suffer should any of this go public, or maybe with what little conscience he still has he isn't willing to accuse you of anything more serious that you've clearly not committed. In a way, he's just like you, isn't he? You, too, don't want to hurt the girl, so you've been keeping this whole complaint business away from her?"

"I…"

Mally waved off her response. "Nothing wrong with that. Only you kids would be so adamant about the mutual truthfulness bullshit."

"I don't think it's bullshit!"

Mally laughed. "People have secrets. It can be something pathetic like you farted in bed last night, but they are secrets nonetheless. Sometimes it doesn't do good to share those secrets. And if you are overly truthful, you force your partner to do the same. Let me tell ya, it will result in conflict one day. Trust isn't about being an open page every waking moment, it's about accepting that your partner is an individual with private thoughts just like yourself, and despite that, still trusting she has your best interests at heart. But I digress. What I think is even if you tell her now about her asshole father, it won't do any good, so you don't have to feel guilty. You're right. If she knows, she'd just get pissed. Or maybe she won't even do that. She can already guess her dad's gonna do something stupid like that. Then what can she do about it? Slam her dad for being a liar then go back to sulking? Or just ignore his pointless complaints and keep sulking? Nothing's gonna change, and her path to recovery is just gonna get that much longer. She needs to realize now that all her whining and sulking won't give her dad back. She has to deal with the loss, and if she chooses, do something proactive about it. Investing in humans is like throwing money into the ocean – you can't expect anything in return. She'll have to cast away the thought that her dad would one day accept her, and just keep tossing her love at him regardless. Maybe he'll come to understand, maybe he won't. That isn't what actually matters. What matters is whether she is willing to give up. If she is, then forget it cleanly. If she isn't, then keep going. It's as simple as that."

"Everything always sounds simple when you say it, Mally." Elsa groaned.

"It's not as though you actually think any of this is complicated. That is not the source of your frustrations," Mally answered, "You just don't know how you can help your undergrad lover. In which case, why don't you just fold your arms and watch?"

"I can't just do that!" Elsa said, but upon second thought, showed hesitation. "I mean, I can…but that would not be for the best, right?"

"You said you value trust. Well, this is the time to trust. You have been babysitting her like a mother all this time you two are here. That's not sustainable. Let her have her space and time to think things through. Ever wonder why kids don't like going to their parents for advice?"

"You tell me."

"Because their parents seem all collected. They already have everything under control, how can they understand what it means to not have control? That's not necessarily true. Parents have their problems too. But parents hide their own problems from their kids to maintain their authority. Not only does that make the parents unrelatable, it also sows seeds of distrust. Now do you want to be a parent to your partner? You clearly have your own problems to deal with, but you're so preoccupied with hers that you neglect your own. You want her to freely confide in you, then you have to lower your level to hers first. Make her feel comfortable to talk to you about stuff, with no fears you'd try and make a decision on her behalf."

"My problems…" At this, Elsa lowered her head. Of course, of all people, it would be Mally to remind her.

"Ultimately, what you do is your decision. I won't be too nosy. But you already came to me for help. You made that first step towards confronting your past. That second step is lying before you, waiting. There's nothing stopping you from taking it."

"I know…" Elsa muttered, a brief smile returning to her face. "And I think I may be ready for it too, all because of Anna's help."

"That's nice."

By this time, Mally and Elsa had come back to the vicinity of Phillip's grave. Elsa stole a glance at Mally's face, pale, worn to its bones with a certain sorrow.

"You know what you said about parents?" Elsa asked.

"What about it?"

Elsa grinned. "Maybe if you bring yourself down to our level, we can share some of your worries too."

"What makes you think that's even necessary?"

Truth was, the mention of Elsa's past had brought up some memories from Mally too.

The good and the bad. But no matter, they were all long gone already.

Her once young love, betrayed and trampled, leaving her with nothing more than curses. It was nothing short of a miracle that things didn't end even worse than they had. Mally's eyes narrowed in a rare display of fondness as they stared at Aurora in the distance.

"Time heals, cliché as it is to say this," she whispered.

"Sorry?"

"I'm referring to your undergrad's problems, your problems, my problems…problems in general. They disappear with time, leaving you to wonder if they were just fleeting dreams on a lazy spring night."

Elsa chuckled. "Isn't that a rather poetic way of saying it?"

"Who said scientists can't be poetic? On occasions anyway. I can hardly see myself on a five-hundred-page Excursion."

With that last jab at William Wordsworth, Mally gave Elsa a light push forward. "Now go on, do what you will. Pop those spring dreams and get on with your fulfilling life."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Elsa ran ahead, livelier than she had ever been since childhood. The snow that kicked up with her steps reminded Mally of a much younger Elsa, pushing along a snow ball that would become the snowman, Olaf, in front of their lab building.

There were some things that Elsa had to do alone, but for what she didn't, Mally was prepared to defend her smile from the shadows.

For an old friend, for a bright future. In many ways, it was Mally's wish to see Elsa continue like this, happy and strong.

"You're back, Elsa," Anna greeted, feeling some of the pressure lift off of herself when she saw Elsa relaxed like this. Elsa had been tense for the past while, for which Anna felt guilty. It made her feel better that Elsa could have some time for herself too, despite all the things that had happened in Anna's family. "You had a nice talk with Prof. Moors?"

"Yes, it was nice. Really cleared my mind. You?"

"Strangely, this place…makes me feel at ease."

"Does it now?"

Elsa placed an arm around Anna's shoulders to keep her warm. They all shared another moment of silence. Closing her eyes, Elsa brought up the image of Philip from her memories and imagined how he would've aged should he have lived.

Philip, are you watching over me now?

You've taught me courage, so many years ago. I finally understand it. Courage isn't just facing whatever obstacles are in your way. Courage is also to accept and to let go.

To not cling onto what you can't have, but to cherish what you have now.

I'm sorry you can't be with us today. But I cherish all you've given me. And your memories make me cherish those who are now around me even more.

I love Anna. I love her not as a perfect image of my ideals. I love her for all her flaws, and I will stand by her when it comes time for her to face those flaws.

Because here she is, beside me, as I come to face myself. I want nothing more in my life than this. I'm so happy now, I would do anything to protect this. I would wait however long it takes for Anna to come to terms with herself, and stand by whatever decisions she makes.

"Anna?"

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering, there is another place I want to take you to, maybe next week. You willing to come with me?"

"Is it somewhere that has to do with…your background?"

"Yes. There is something I would like you to know."

Anna missed Elsa confiding in her. This made her feel wanted. And all of a sudden, that emptiness in her heart was becoming filled once more.

"Then please take me there. I want to know everything, Elsa. Everything about you."

End of Chapter 22