5 Things I Miss About The Newborn Stage



Dave had to work on Sunday so I hung out with my friend Lisa and her 7-week-old son.

Truth was, I needed a reprieve from being alone with my 19-month-old, who has an overabundance of emotions these days and had just expressed herself by (A) dumping an ice cold glass of water down my shirt and (B) slamming a hardcover book into my lower lip.

The line between toddler and sociopath is so very, very thin.

Spending time with a 7-week-old who did not hit me in the face or require me to make the same green Play-Doh turtle over and over again so that she could smash it, I was reminded of the simple joys of parenting a newborn:

1. Newborns are Light and Portable – You can practically throw one in your purse. A newborn feels like a six-pack. A toddler is a keg. My arms are tired, yet strangely not toned.

2. They Stay Where You Put Them – Newborns are so compliant–they never jump off the bed, accidentally lock themselves in the bathroom or run into the street.

3. They Only Eat White Food – Milk, even when projectile vomited, totally washes out of clothes. Not so, my daughter’s meal of spaghetti & meatballs with a pink popsicle chaser. I’m not even sure that’s going to wash off of her face. What non-parent decided popsicles should come in day glo colors, anyway?

4. They’ll Sleep Anywhere – In the car, in the stroller, in Bloomingdale’s, at lunch, at the nail salon, on your lap while you watch Dancing With The Stars. I wish I’d done more selfish things while I had the chance.

5. People Keep Congratulating You – While I was out walking with Lisa, she got stopped a half a dozen times by beaming strangers who wanted to smile at the baby and welcome her into the parenthood clubhouse. How come nobody admired me while I begged my daughter to please stop eating mushed banana off the sidewalk like an indiscriminate vagrant? I could use the self esteem boost.

When my toddler’s not being a pain in the ass, and even when she is, she’s pretty awesome. But after spending time with a sweet little newborn, it was clear to me why people keep having more babies.

What a scam.