“The most refreshing Archibald I can remember”: Why 2020’s edition is so different

This is Jason Folkard. He writes funny articles, screenplays and angry letters to cereal manufacturers. There's a chance he's the greatest writer in history...almost certainly he's not, but there's a chance.

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Water-boarding and The Morning Show are the tortures of Jason Folkard’s worse nightmares, and guess which one he/she willingly submitted to..?

The Big Smoke has finally launched, so I thought for my first article I would do something a little bit special to mark the occasion.

And so, on Monday 28 October 2013, I bravely attempted to do something that many had previously thought impossible. Something that would test the very limits of what the human body, mind or soul can endure. A feat so unimaginably gruelling and tortuous that no one in the history of mankind had ever attempted it before (as far as I know), let alone completed it.

Yes, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, on that fateful Monday morning I endeavoured to watch an entire episode of Channel 7’s The Morning Show, from start to finish.

Below is a running account of my ordeal. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

8:59 am

Ok, this is it. I’m actually going to do this. I’ve taken up my position on my couch. Gary from Guinness is here to witness my attempt, and there’s also a nurse on standby if things go horribly wrong. All I can do now is sit back, try to relax, and pray to God that it’s not one of the episodes where Andrew O’Keefe is filling in.

9:05 am

Everything is going ok so far, all my vital signs are still normal and the urge to punch Larry Emdur in the face is still relatively low. Relatively.

9:13 am

News time. Tragically, a two-year-old boy has been abducted. I didn’t get many more details than that because apparently Princess Mary is in town and doing a bunch of shit that requires four minutes of the news bulletin devoted to it.

9:23 am

Say what you want about The Morning Show, but even I have to admit that the sexual chemistry between Larry and Kylie is absolutely palpable. This constant hosting foreplay I am being subjected to makes me wonder, ‘Have they done it?’ I bet they have. Real kinky shit too. I’ve heard that when Larry goes out, he makes everyone in the nightclub guess the length of his wang. Whoever guesses the closest without going over gets to go home with him and “play for the major showcase”.

9:26 am

Ad break, finally! I’ve never been so glad to see a commercial for pet insurance in my life.

9:28 am

Time for the ‘Gossip Segment’. First up, Lou Reed is dead. That is a juicy bit of gossip, guys. I wonder if it’s true or just a publicity stunt. They did quote Lenny Kravitz’s response to the news on Twitter so that definitely adds to its validity. And big royal news out of camp PhiliBeth – do these recent photos of Her Royal Highness reveal a baby bump? Only time will tell.

9:5 1 am

Another inf-omercial featuring Glen Wheeler being creepy as fuck with the hot Choosi girl. I’ve never seen someone so absolutely flabbergasted by discounted life insurance. Whatever happened to good ol’ Moira? That fox used to move steak knives like it was nobody’s business.

10:15 am

Today for ‘The Jury’, Larry, Kylie, Adam Spencer and some random are discussing twerking. This segment is now officially the fourth worst thing I’ve ever seen. Worse than the time I witnessed a horrific hit and run where a pedestrian was tragically killed, but still behind the time I accidentally wandered into the SCG locker rooms as a kid and witnessed a pre-Hurleyed Shane Warne eating a meat pie in the shower.

10:28 am

The Morning Show’s Hot Shots’ segment is up now, where Larry and Kylie pretend to know what a YouTube is and show viral Internet videos that everyone under the age of 42 already saw online four months ago. Jesus, how did my life come to this? I should never have dropped out of law school.

10:33 am

Well, I’ve been informed that I’ve just broken the previous record for number of consecutive minutes of The Morning Show watched in one sitting. The previous record holder was a coma patient whose hospital room TV was accidentally left on Channel Seven. Apparently, after Larry told another one of his shitty Celebrity Dog School anecdotes, he managed to regain consciousness just long enough to pull his own plug.

10:42 am

I find myself tightly strapped into a chair in front of the TV, A Clockwork Orange style. The last few minutes are a blank but apparently I had to be forcibly restrained after I snapped and tried to gouge out my own eyes with my iPhone.

10:47 am

Ok, I’ve calmed down now, feeling much better. They’re doing some story about X-Factor. Bunch of phonies. Society is full of phonies. I hate them. Maybe I’ll assassinate Ringo Starr. That’ll show them, that’ll show them all.

11:02 am

Email notification. My order for 14 AbSwings has been successfully processed. I don’t remember purchasing them at all and 14 is possibly too many, but that’s cool. I’ll just get my abs 14 times quicker. Abs are good. Abs equal happiness. Pretty soon my stomach is gonna be ab-city, population – me… plus like the seven supermodels who are bound to be hanging around at any one time. Plus I can probably go from drinking Diet 7Up back to regular 7Up, so winning all round.

11:09 am

I’m pretty sure the toaster is talking to me. He’s kind of obsessed with trying to get me to burn stuff though. ‘Everything but the toast,’ he says.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think we’re gonna be the best of friends.

11:1 1 am

The fucking toaster is trying to steal my thoughts, I’m sure of it! Well fuck him, as soon as I get out of these restraints I’m gonna stab him so hard, right in the bread slot.

11:25 am

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jason a dull boy.

11:31 am

Well, show’s over, challenge accomplished. That wasn’t so hard. I wonder when my AbSwings will arrive.