By Guillermo O'Rourke

"Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data."

(Ed. Note: We know you, our cherished Golden Boys and Girls, rely on the thoughtful, objective insight and commentary we provide in the form of our weekly Power Rankings. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it the same way and last week, we received a cease and desist order from a certain U.S. professional sporting league office.

While we stand by our, uh, reporting and firmly believe this order to be frivolous and having no legal standing, out of advice from our counsel, we voluntarily held last week's edition of the Power Rankings. Per that same advice, we must withold the name(s) of our accuser(s), so for any future references, we'll use the pseudonym "Dan Gorber."

Last week notwithstanding, we will be undeterred in our dogged pursuit of the Truth, no matter the levers of power we may cross doing so. We remain 💯-percent committed to providing you with the same hard-hitting, deeply-sourced, unbiased coverage of Columbus Crew SC, MLS and the sporting world at large --along with dated pop culture references and fart jokes -- that you've come to expect. To put it another way: Lord help us, we're back on our bullshit.)

22. Toronto FC

The 2016 MLS Cup losers are coming off a 2-2 stalemate with Don Garber Darling Atlanta United last weekend. The poster boys for the league's "F*ck it, why not?" philosophy toward its own salary rules have draws in four of five matches so far this season and their sole win came against the pre-Tony Tchani Vancouver Whitecaps, so it doesn't even really count.

21. Dom Oduro

Fast dude with busted hair who's been traded six times and has the diet of a second grader Dom Oduro fired some shots at our esteemed city. Don't worry Dom, just two more trades to and you can get a free medium one-topping from Papa John's!

20. Chicago (sic) Fire

The Fire managed to dive their way to three points against an injury-riddled Crew SC team last Saturday in Bridgeview. The following night, we assume, the team boarded an express flight to Louisville and cheered while that doctor got "re-acommodated."

19. Kitchen Knives