MENLO PARK, CA—Calling the update “critical” for the security of its billions of users, Facebook unveiled a new Terms Of Service contract Tuesday that included compulsory conscription into Mark Zuckerberg’s upcoming war against the U.S. government. “By continuing to use Facebook, you hereby agree to serve as a loyal foot soldier in any wars, domestic or overseas, that must be fought to defend Mark Zuckerberg and his company from hostile forces,” said the 10,000-word legal update, which, over the course of the day, drafted all current Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp users between the ages of 18 and 26 into its military and subsequently instructed them to immediately report to the company’s Menlo Park headquarters. “Once this agreement has been ratified, Facebook reserves the right to summon users for medical inspection, at which point eligible users will be trained and ultimately deployed to take down any government that threatens our social network’s sovereignty, including the United States of America. In addition, once signed, all users will be required to renounce their country of birth and automatically become a citizen of Facebook.” At press time, millions of users clad in masks and camouflage could be seen marching outside Facebook HQ, shooting at targets featuring images of Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

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