First of all, let me say how truly sorry I am. This is a difficult time for you and I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. You may feel hopeless, alone and abandoned, and honestly you should. Things aren’t going to get better for a while. So what can you do? Here are a few steps to help you make it through this NFL season as a Chicago Bears fan.

1. Accept That You Will Never Escape Jay Cutler



The Bears decided to pay Jay Cutler enough money to buy a small country in Southern Europe, so just accept the fact that he will be a fixture of Chicago for the rest of your foreseeable life. He’s like that little girl in “The Ring” after you watch her tape. He will follow you and he will find you, but his accuracy is so bad he’ll probably end up missing you completely.

2. Start Celebrating Moral Victories Instead Of Actual Wins



Who cares if they didn’t “score the most points” in a game? Matt Forte didn’t bite anyone, right? That’s always good. Jared Allen was traded for a few Pogs? Not a bad deal. Martellus Bennett didn’t yell out the ending of “The Sixth Sense,” ruining it for the handful of people who still haven’t made time to watch it? Take pride in those little, but important victories!

3. Instead Of Watching The Chicago Bears, Go To The Zoo And Watch Actual Bears



You could waste hours of your time watching your Bears get pummeled and beaten on the field, or you could watch some actual bears at the zoo climb trees and eat snacks out of a trainers’ hand. I guarantee that the bear who fell asleep and rolled down a shallow hill has a higher quarterback rating than Jimmy Clausen. (Photo via angelo.edu)

4. Realize What Could Be In This For YOU



Let’s be selfish for just a second. Sure, the Bears look absolutely terrible and have no depth whatsoever at quarterback, but that’s good news for you. Why? Because every day you have more and more of a chance to be somewhere on the Bears’ depth chart. Eventually they have to run out of professional players and will need to pull fans out of the crowd. Stay strong, because eventually you could be your very own Henry Rowengartner.

5. Watch Old Footage Of The 1985 Bears Team



Those guys were really good! Just pop in a tape of that beloved season and ignore everything else going on in the world.

6. Maybe Find Something Else To Do On Sundays?



Have you ever been to a farmer’s market? Maybe that’ll be better than watching Matt Forte’s talents being squandered each and every week. Sometimes USA will run a “Law & Order: SVU” marathon. Watching Olivia Benson chase criminals and Ice-T try to crack cases is certainly more entertaining than seeing your cornerbacks get burned like a female magician in 1694 Salem.

7. Remember That You Still Have The Chicago Bulls



Remember those guys? What a dynasty they used to be, right? You had Jordan, Pippen, Horace Grant’s goggles, Bill Cartwright’s weird arm thing he did while shooting free throws, Rodman’s antics later on and all the other classic characters. The current team is solid,as well, and you can keep hope alive that they’ll become a championship caliber squad, even if that means having to cheer for Joakim Noah (who I’m fairly certain is what Splinter from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” looked like as a human).

8. While Remembering The Bulls, Pray Earnestly For Derrick Rose’s Knees (and now, his eye)



The city tried to rest on the shoulders of Jay Cutler, but since he crumbled and fell like a poorly constructed round of Jenga, that party is over. Now you have to keep holding out hope that Derrick Rose’s glass bones will stay intact. Good luck, considering his ankle is also as reliable as asking your drunk ex-wife to pick up your kids from soccer practice.

9. Get Ready For Next Season!



It’s never too early to start looking at the draft board and figuring out what collegiate star could turn this entire franchise around! With just a few key pieces this team could go from the bottom of the division to … slightly higher than the bottom of the division.

10. Remember That It Could Always Be Worse



Your team could be run by Chip Kelly.