ST. LOUIS, MO—Explaining that the severity of the situation called for desperate and perhaps even borderline extreme measures, recently dumped woman Ruth Beneke, 26, called her wildest friend up from the bench of associates and acquaintances Thursday in order to help her ease the pain from a recent breakup. “I have so many sensitive, supportive friends, but this breakup calls for someone a little, let’s say, intense. Karen [Rasmussen] has not been completely reliable, so she’s been on the bench for a few years, but I really need her unhinged, borderline dangerous sense of fun right now,” said Beneke of Rasmussen, who arrived with a stirring cry of “Let’s take you out!” and the insistence they “go somewhere and just fucking dance,” as well as several utterly believable threats of bodily harm toward the ex-boyfriend in question. “If I’m going to get over this breakup, a couple glasses of chardonnay with Sophia or Tami aren’t going to cut it—that’s where Karen comes in. She’s a great distraction, but even beyond that, she makes me feel a lot more together by comparison because so many of her exes are in jail. We may not be super close, but she’s absolutely crucial for situations like these.” At press time, Karen had ordered the pair another round of tequila shots from the Applebee’s bar.

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