Do you have sexy questions but you don’t have access to Google, a therapist, or a close friend who isn’t a complete shithead? Send them in to Jezebel’s new sexpert, Karley Sciortino – AKA “Slutever”! The edgy name should give you a hint about the edgy content in store for you. If you’re lucky, she might not suggest you sexually assault someone!

In the first edition of “Slutever,” someone writes in concerned that facials (the kind with semen, not the kind at the spa, unless you go to one of those spas) are too degrading for women to participate in. Obviously this is a complex issue involving degradation, objectification, power dynamics, and OH JUST KIDDING you guys, don’t think about the implications of sex acts! Thinking ruins all the fun! If an act seems degrading but you like it, it’s best to just push all your negative feelings deep down inside yourself and pack it into a hard ball of self-loathing that sits inside your stomach forever:

I understand there are complex emotions involved in sex, so everything isn’t always black and white, but I also think that sometimes girls’ brains become so clouded by bullshit “feminist” ideals — “thou shall not be treated like an object,” “thou shall always be offended by men’s pervy remarks” (as if we are not equally adept at dismissing them, and dishing them out) — that we spoil our own fun.

Oh man, remember how much fun sex was before those “feminists” came along and ruined it with all their talk of a woman’s right to be seen as a real human being instead of a convenient hole? Oh, and that dumb “feminist” idea that it’s not cool for strange men to shout sexual come-ons at us on the street? It’s totally cool, ladies! We have the ultimate power of dismissal. Psh. “Feminism.”

What a bunch of bullshit that was, amiright? It’s those kind of edgy insights that probably sealed the deal for Sciortino’s writing gig on a feminist website.

It’s bad to analyze these things so much that they lose their spontaneity and hotness (and the rules of “real life” don’t apply in sex anyway, so whatever).

God, that is so true. I remember that a friend of mine was once in bed with a girl and he thought, “I want to shove something up her butt right now, but is it the right thing to do?” Then he remembered, “Oh hey, ‘consent’ is just a bullshit feminist idea that doesn’t apply in sex, anyway, so whatever. All this thinking is a total hornkill!” So he went for it! Hott. I wonder if Sciortino would approve? We may never know, but luckily, we do know how a woman should go about getting inside a man’s asshole, thanks to the second question sent to “Slutever.” Here’s the secret:

Step 1: Give him “temporary retardation” with a blowjob (HAPPY WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY, EVERYONE!).

In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.)

Step 2: Don’t ask him if he wants a finger in his ass.

…

Step 3: Just go for it. If it seems like he’s not into it, don’t stop trying.

If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet….even if your first attempt is a total failure, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never going to happen…. Basically, never give up.

Not talking to your sex partner about what objects they would like in what orifices is definitely the smart way to go. As we’ve already covered, thinking about things ruins the “spontaneity,” and if you’re actually conversing about things with your significant other, well, you may as well just join a nunnery right the fuck now.

All of which brings us to the final question: “Michael” is a virgin and is wondering how to bring himself to orgasm and BLA BLA BLA BORING, just Google it, Michael! Sciortino doesn’t have the time to deal with your virgin problems. Look up guys masturbating and then do what they do, duh!

Best sex advice column ever!

In all seriousness, this column is obviously the worst, so I’ll end with my favorite typo in what is an astoundingly terrible and badly edited piece:

…intra-anal lacerations are not not glamorous.

I’ve heard some terrible Cosmo sex advice before but this takes the cake.

Thanks to Kate Beaton for Tweeting this and to John R. for pointing out the hilarious typo. Featured image: straw feminists by Kate Beaton, herself.