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And they’re back! No, not the players, the dins. Shouts of “You need to do better than that” and “That was embarrassing” were heard by my own delicate ears.

Yes, if something is poor state it, it’s not a crime, but to say it’s embarrassing? Anyway, I am of the opinion ‘If you can’t beat them join them’. BENNETTS SHIT! Joking… Joking.

Seriously, I don’t think anyone had a bad game, or could in their first game back since returning to training a few days ago. Three of us met at the top of the Eastern Road midday to car share up/along to Salisbury. A journey which included mocking one another for various reasons, none of which you can unfortunately relate to.

Once we arrived we were greeted with signs advising we couldn’t park in any of the residential streets – an instruction I would have blatantly ignored however, I wasn’t driving.

It was a good job too because once we arrived at the *insert whatever awful name Salisburys ground is here* we found out it was only a pound to park. A pound! In a day and age where Freddos are about 50p. So fair play to Salisbury for that.

To be fair, the ground actually had a fair few hundred spaces, which did prompt us to get a beer after the game to avoid queuing when we wanted to leave. Once inside the ground you can actually appreciate how shit Rodney Parade is. For a non-league ground it was pretty impressive. I won’t bore you with my description of it but look it up.

The pitch was like a carpet, and yes “it’s the first game back” I’m fully aware, but it still looked incredible for a club four (?) divisions below Pompey.

I’m glad that after Claridge failed to get in the Pompey hot seat again before Jackett was given the job, he managed to wangle a attention seeking unofficial testimonial. Someone I personally think is attention seeking but hey ho. He done well when he played for us so I’m told.

It was nice to see some of the reserve players who we haven’t be able to see much get some game time. Unfortunately Talbot didn’t thunderf*** a volley top corner but I’ve got a good feeling it’s coming soon.

May really impressed me with a few quality passes across the pitch and his composure as well as Lalkovic, someone I’ve never been that bothered about before. It was however pointed out to me that he was up against Salisbury’s second choice right-back, so I retract my praise and will wait until more matches and harder competition to make a judgement.

Main was described to me as 95% shoulders – which you can kinda agree with. He worked well second half with Kabamba. Neither of our keepers were tested much, unlike Pompey fan Charlie Searle who was between the sticks for the hosts.

He actually contributed to one of my favourite pre-season moments when the tannoy announcer requested over his system “We’ve had some complaints from people regarding language. Please don’t swear”.

The Pompey fans reacted in the best way possible by chanting anti-scum songs at a child wearing the stripes. Which before you condemn, remember, he’s only a poor little scummer. Charlie sang and clapped along which personally I found highly amusing.

The announcement actually reminded me of the time Crewe’s PA announcer pleaded for fans not to abuse the officials, you can imagine the reaction.

On the subject of officials you won’t hear a better reaction from a Lino today after someone yelled “How’s Froddo doing you hobbit?” at the rather small official. “Ask your wife” might not have got a round of applause at Fratton, but it certainly did today.

It wasn’t just the Pompey reserves we saw today. We also caught a glimpse of the horror that is the second rate drummers attempting to gee up the crowd – at a non league friendly – to give them credit they did sing very apt songs, their single “If you can’t bang a woman bang a drum” will be available on iTunes later this week. At least their honest.

There was one thing that did disappoint me today, it wasn’t the line up, or the moaners, or the fact the burger girl didn’t look at me the way I wanted her to, but the fact that when the Pompey players where leaving the ground via the other side of the bar today, Gareth Bae Evans decide to take an alternative route.

Leaving me with tears in my eyes as I stood there longing for him to turn around and walk past me whilst I had my camera ready for our special moment. My wait for a photo with Bae goes on – but I will find him – and I will marry him.

Peace. PUP

@PompeyMemes

‪Watch highlights here.