It isn’t easy to discuss the sordid details of my sex life, but I have a problem that’s been weighing on me for years. Ever since I started listening to the daily news podcast, The Daily, I’ve slowly come to realize no matter what I do, I simply cannot cum until Michael Barbaro tells me what else I need to know today.

And yes, that information needs to come specifically from Michael Barbaro, or I am for sure not getting off.

Lots of people listen to The Daily for their in-depth look at a single story. But for me? That’s just foreplay. Sure, it keeps me informed and gets me going, but when I’m having a little morning me-time or making love to my partner, nothing truly finishes the job like those eight words: “Here’s what else you need to know today.” Then comes a full, three-minute orgasm as I ride the wave of pleasure all the way through the end credits.

Some people like to talk dirty, and others like it rough – I like it when Michael Barbaro tells me what else is going on besides this two-part series on vaping.

There is just something about the way the phrase rolls off Michael’s tongue – the way it almost sounds like one, long word – that sends me over the edge, trembling with ecstasy as I learn exactly what else I need to know today. Nothing can make me reach orgasm so explosively. Not even the guys from Pod Save America.

I’ve tried talking about this with my therapist, but she just keeps asking, “What is a podcast?” I feel so alone.

So if anyone else out there faces this problem, a problem that is challenging my romantic relationship as well as my solo play, please help me. I can only listen to so many reruns, frantically skipping over those hosted by foreign correspondents, before I ask myself why nothing else in the entire universe can make me finish like the particular cadence of Michael Barbaro softly telling me two to three other things that I should know before I start my day. Perhaps I’ll never know.