Hello, Big Brother fans! This is Big Brother Season 12’s Matt Hoffman with my pre-season assessment of the brand new Season 15 houseguests. All I know of these misfits is from Big Brother Network’s and Jeff Schroeder’s cast-release interview videos, so (as per usual) I probably am not 100% clear on what I’m talking about. Despite that, it’s always a thrill to be able to pass judgments on strangers, so thank you to Big Brother Network for the opportunity!

Spencer Clawson – Watch his interview & Read his bio

In between picking bug larvae and food remnants out of his face-pubes, Spencer is a railroad conductor. Spencer is one of two gingers wearing red shirts during their interview, which is really distracting for the viewer. I smell a pasty-skinned ginger conspiracy. But Spencer does seem to be a true fan, so I’ll give him some points there.

Nick Uhas – Watch his interview & Read his bio

Nick may be my least favorite contestant this season, based on my limited knowledge. His personality and demeanor are inherently grating. He calls himself a “professional stunt roller blader,” which probably just means that he’s been featured on YouTube racking his junk on a rail during a failed attempt to grind down a staircase.

My biggest gripe is that Nick seems rehearsed and eccentric when he talks. He also dresses rather nicely and says that he is “mega excited to see the cute little fly honeys” in the house. I’m thinking that Nick may be gay. Or that he will be sometime before Week 6.

Jessie Kowalski – Watch her interview & Read her bio

Much of this interview was watching Jeff and Jessie stare and giggle as their struggling brains fought for a coherent thought. Thus, we don’t learn very much about Jessie other than that she “used to be in sales” and is “currently unemployed.” Since that seems to be a solid benchmark for most Big Brother contestants, she may fare well this season.

Candice Stewart – Watch her interview & Read her bio

Candice glosses over anything interesting in her life – like her career as an NFL cheerleader or her stint in the Miss USA competition – in favor of boring us with details on her job as a pediatric speech therapist. She says she spends her days helping mentally disabled children to speak better. This could be very beneficial to the houseguests on live show nights.

Kaitlin Barnaby – Watch her interview & Read her bio

Kaitlin’s interview was so drab that from the time I took notes on it to the time I got to writing this section of the article, I had completely forgotten who she was and what she looked like. This caused me to have to re-watch the whole thing again, where I still learned nothing of any substance. That makes a total of 4 minutes and 38 seconds of my life that Kaitlin owes me when she gets out of the Big Brother house. I’m coming for you, Kaitlin.

Jeremy McGuire – Watch his interview & Read his bio

I find that, by and large, people named Jeremy are usually pretty alright guys. In the scheme of Jeremys, this one ranks somewhere near the bottom. He is admittedly cocky, and rattles off a myriad of accolades and self-praise. Also annoying about Jeremy is that he talks…real…slow. He is from Texas, though, so I’ll give him a pass. Plus, not-a-cheerleader-or-beauty-queen Candice can probably help him with that speech impairment.

Helen Kim – Watch her interview & Read her bio

Helen is this season’s mom/wife. You knew there’d be one, so no sense groaning over it. She’s not going to win – they never do. And if she continues to yap on and on incessantly about her husband in the house as much as she did in her interview, she won’t be lasting long. In a final test of my patience, Helen rounded out her interview going into far too much detail with her answer to “What would you do with the money?” No need to dish us your entire financial planning portfolio, lady.

Elissa Slater – Watch her interview & Read her bio

The interview I was looking forward to the most turned out to be the greatest disappointment. All we know about Elissa from this interview is that she is Rachel’s sister and that she can do a sort-of decent Rachel impression for 2 minutes. Based on my limited encounters with Elissa, I think she’ll be a fun one to watch in the house, and a good player on top of that.

Amanda Zuckerman – Watch her interview & Read her bio

Amanda is a real estate agent who plans to use her “charm and sexuality” to her advantage, and boasts about how she packed her skimpy bikinis. Amanda probably has fake boobs, and we’ll probably be seeing a lot of them this summer. She reminds me of a slightly more polished version of JoJo from Season 14. Although I must question her decision to wear denim short-shorts with a blazer in her press photo.

McCrae Olson – Watch his interview & Read his bio

McCrae is a pizza delivery boy who not only miraculously passed his drug test to get on the show, but who also managed to throw it in CBS’s face by showing up to his interview with Jeff high as a kite as well! Way to stick it to the system, McCrae! McCrae is my current favorite houseguest. I don’t know if he’ll fare well, but I’m curious to watch how his game plays out. Also, he’s a true superfan, which gives him major bonus points in my book.

Judd Daughtery – Watch his interview & Read his bio

As I reel on the highs of the “East Coast/New Jersey” trend in reality television finally dying out, I get possibly even more sickened at the latest trend that has seeped its way in…rednecks. From Hillbilly Handfishin’ to Duck Dynasty to Redneck Island to Buckwild to every pawn shop and repo show out there, being as low-brow and uneducated as possible seems to be the current fad in American entertainment. Anyone who follows me on Twitter can attest to my claim many months ago that there would be one small-town yokel cast on Big Brother 15 who fits all the stereotypes…enter Judd.

In his interview, Judd gives us the option to call him “Judd” or his more common nickname, “J-U-double D Party Darty”. Sorry if I didn’t spell that last one correctly. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve had to spell “Party Darty” before. Judd is an appraiser. In case you didn’t know what an appraiser does, don’t feel bad…Judd doesn’t either. He describes his job as “kinda driving through and looking for different constructions and things like that”. Kill me.

Howard Overby – Watch his interview & Read his bio

I couldn’t get a read on Howard, but this was no fault of his own. Instead of Jeff interviewing Howard, he just ogled Howard’s physique and tried to bro-down with him. All I learned from this interview is that Howard is a youth and family advocate, and that Jeff loves Howard’s body in a way that only Dumbledore could appreciate.

GinaMarie Zimmerman – Watch her interview & Read her bio

GinaMarie irritates me in the same way that Nick does. She seems very conditioned, as though every answer she gives is a performance. That could stem from her alleged career as a pageant coordinator (I say “alleged” because any time an attractive Big Brother contestant says they are anything other than some variation of a bartender, model, or actress I get suspicious). GinaMarie is “definitely a people person” and “definitely wants everyone to like her” and definitely likes to overuse the word “definitely.”

David Girton – Watch his interview & Read his bio

David is a beach lifeguard who likes to say “dude” a lot. He should team up with GinaMarie to form the “Definitely Dude” alliance that will be the obnoxious bane of our existence all summer long. David says his greatest strength is his looks, but (as someone on twitter pointed out) he sort of looks like me in a bad wig. So if that is indeed his greatest strength, then David will most certainly be the first houseguest evicted. It doesn’t help that he also let us in on the fun fact that he doesn’t like to shower often. Nice knowing ya, “dude”!

Andy Herren – Watch his interview & Read his bio

Andy is our second of two red-shirted gingers. Don’t stare too long at the blinding skin and the sea of freckles, or you may burn your retinas. All I remember about Andy is that he teaches public speaking, he cries a lot, and he reminded me a bit too much of Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Aaryn Gries – Watch her interview & Read her bio

Rounding out our lineup this season is Aaryn. Aaryn is the spaciness of Season 14’s Ashley, mixed with the sweet southern morals of Season 10/13’s Jordan, seasoned with the personality (or lack thereof) of Season 13’s Cassi. She is poised to be two things…boring and evicted. In a normal season I could see her floating around the house, but with the new twists in place to hopefully curb that kind of behavior, I don’t see that happening. Aaryn says that her biggest downfall is that people judge her as soon as they see her. Add me to that list, sweetheart.

So there you have it…another season of Big Brother is officially under way! Thank you again to Big Brother Network for letting me pop in to offer my commentary. If you enjoy what you read, look for my other entries on this site, follow me on Twitter @HeadOfHOFFhold, and/or visit my website at www.TheGremlinCave.com.