The Call Me Be Your Name and Lady Bird star is inspiring rabid hysteria reminiscent of DiCaprio’s Leomania at the height of his Titanic fame. But will he be as big?

Name: Chalamania.

Age: About six weeks.

Appearance: Wild and fervent, and slightly terrifying.

Is this about the ancient king of the Franks? No, you’re thinking of Charlemagne.

Oh, so it’s about the Mexican monster who drinks the blood of goats? No, that’s Chupacabra.

Well, I’m stumped. It’s about Timothée Chalamet, you dummy. He’s a young actor who inspires mania wherever he goes.

That sounds like an exaggeration. Well, it isn’t. He is inspiring so much mania that people have literally added “mania” to his name. That only happens with genuine mania. Like Beatlemania, if you will.

Or nymphomania. Or megalomania. Well, I was thinking more of Leomania. Remember Leomania? It was when everyone went wild over Leonardo DiCaprio 20 years ago, because of how sexy and cute he was. That’s the sort of mania that Chalamania is.

Are you saying that Chalamet is the new DiCaprio? I’m not saying that, but Interview magazine is, in an article headlined: “Is Timothée Chalamet the new Leonardo DiCaprio?”

And is he? Sure, he is. He’s a floppy-haired, androgynous young actor with enormous talent, a laidback sense of cool and a name that’s deceptively hard to pronounce. And, like DiCaprio at the very pinnacle of Leomania, he just starred in a juggernaut of a blockbuster.

He did? Haven’t you seen Call Me By Your Name?

No. Well, it was a gigantic hit. Massive. Everyone was talking about it.

No they weren’t. You can’t compare Titanic to Call Me By Your Name. Yes, I can.

No, you can’t. Titanic is the second highest-grossing movie ever . Call Me By Your Name is – let me see – the 3,540th. Well, OK, maybe they don’t line up exactly, but Chalamet is still a star on the rise. He has already had an Oscar nomination – he also played the teen hunk in the beloved Lady Bird. His next films will push him into international superstardom.

And they are? An Amazon movie about methamphetamine addiction and – yeesh – Woody Allen’s next film. OK, so neither are going to be Chalamet’s Titanic, but give it two years and he’ll be the most famous actor on the planet, his fame so suffocating that it will lead to public tantrums and drug addiction. Only then will I rest in my ridiculous worship of him.

Do say: “Call Me By My Name.”