Commonsense ♠ ♣ © winnie caw 2002

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Pun-itive Sentences

1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.



3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.



4. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.



5. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.



6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.



7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.



9. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.



10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.



11. Every calendar's days are numbered.



12. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.



13. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students

were de-lighted.



14. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.



15. He wears glasses during math because it improves division.



16. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.



17. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.



18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.



19. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.



20. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.



21. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.



22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.



23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.



24. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.



25. Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.



26. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.



27. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.



28. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

large.



29. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.



30. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.



31. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to

their ankles.



32. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was

a-salted.



33. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.



34. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.



35. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.



36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.



37. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.



38. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.



39. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.



40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count

that votes.



41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.



43. Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.



44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.



45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.



46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.



47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a

power struggle.



48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.



49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his

grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.



50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.



51. Nylons give women a run for their money.



52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.



53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.



54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.



55. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.



56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.



58. Old burglars never die they just steal away.



59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.



60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.



61. Some people don't like food going to waist..



62. A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.



63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.



64. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel

out-dated.



65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay

attention.



66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.



67. A backwards poet writes inverse.



68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?



69. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.



70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.



71. A plateau is a high form of flattery.



72. When chemists die, we barium.



73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time

called a four loaf cleaver.



74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.



75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.



76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.



77. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.



78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender

here?"



79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.



80. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.



81. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.



82. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.



83. When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.



84. What you seize is what you get.



85. Gardeners always know the ground rules.



86. Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and

their noses run.



87. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.



88. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.



89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.



90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.



91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging.



92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.



93. Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.



94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.



95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.



96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.



97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.



98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.



99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item.



100. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.



*******

LET'S ASK THE EXPERTS:

We are more often treacherous through weakness than through calculation.

~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld





The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so I can talk with him?

~ Chuang Tzu





A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.

~ Lee Segall





Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. ~Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland





Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

~ Andre Gide





Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.

~ Aesop





Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

~ Baba Ram Dass





I am a part of all that I have met.

~ Alfred Lord Tennyson





There's more to the truth than just the facts.

~ Unknown





Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day.

~ Polish Proverb





Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.

~ Ludwig Börne





If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

~ Stanislaw J. Lec





The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

~ Edward R. Murrow





We are all but recent leaves on the same old tree of life and if this life has adapted itself to new functions and conditions, it uses the same old basic principles over and over again. There is no real difference between the grass and the man who mows it.

~ Albert Szent-Györgyi





When the student is ready, the master appears.

~ Buddhist Proverb





A gun gives you the body, not the bird.

~ Henry David Thoreau





Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water.

~ Zen Buddhist Proverb





Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after.

~ Henry David Thoreau





I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.

~ Charles C. Finn





Oh, Heaven, it is mysterious, it is awful to consider that we not only carry a future Ghost within us; but are, in very deed, Ghosts!

~ Thomas Carlyle





Knock on the sky and listen to the sound.

~ Zen Saying





By daily dying I have come to be.

~ Theodore Roethke





There are some remedies worse than the disease.

~ Publilius Syrus





You never know what is enough, until you know what is more than enough.

~ William Blake, Proverbs of Hell





Men are probably nearer the central truth in their superstitions than in their science.

~ Henry David Thoreau





Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.

~ Henri Louis Bergson





If you think you're free, there's no escape possible.

~ Ram Dass





The fly that doesn't want to be swatted is most secure when it lights on the fly-swatter.

~ G.C. Lichtenberg





Don't miss the donut by looking through the hole.

~ Unknown





You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. ~Navajo Proverb





Life has the name of life, but in reality it is death.

~ Heraclitus, Eustathius ad Iliad





Whatever I take, I take too much or too little; I do not take the exact amount. The exact amount is no use to me.

~ Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin





Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."



~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland





Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind.

~ John Lancaster Spalding





The map is not the territory.

~ Alfred Korzybski





No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.

~ Terry Josephson





Would there be this eternal seeking if the found existed?

~ Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin





If you're going to tickle, use a feather not a whip.

~ Terri Guillemets





He who has seen present things has seen all, both everything which has taken place from all eternity and everything which will be for time without end; for all things are of one kin and of one form.

~ Marcus Aurelius





If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.

~ Russian Proverb





The observer, when he seems to himself to be observing a stone, is really, if physics is to be believed, observing the effects of the stone upon himself.

~ Bertrand Russell





Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

~ Roger Miller





It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

~ James Thurber





You cannot step into the same river twice.

~ Heraclitus, in Diogenes Laertius, Lives





One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, "Is it half full or half empty?" So I drank the water. No more problem.

~ Alexander Jodorowsky





Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases.

~ Hippocrates, Aphorisms





It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place.

~ Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass, 1872





We waste a lot of time running after people we could have caught by just standing still.

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960





You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into.

~ Unknown



You can see a lot by just looking.

~ Yogi Berra





Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind.

~ Leo Rosten





Who depends on another man's table often dines late.

~ John Ray





Things are entirely what they appear to be and behind them... there is nothing.

~ Jean Paul Sartre, Nausea





You become responsible forever for what you've tamed.

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince, 1943, translated from French by Richard Howard





When the pain is great enough, we will let anyone be doctor.

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960



A thousand men can't undress a naked man.

~ Greek Proverb





We often repent the good we have done as well as the ill.

~ William Hazlitt, Characteristics, 1823





The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.

~ Buddha





Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it.

~ Santayana, Essays





The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

~ Niels Bohr





Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?

~ Maurice Freehill





I believe that men are generally still a little afraid of the dark, though the witches are all hung, and Christianity and candles have been introduced.

~ Henry David Thoreau, "Solitude," Walden, 1854





Eggs cannot be unscrambled.

~ American Proverb





A thing, until it is everything, is noise, and once it is everything it is silence.

~ Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin





The road was new to me, as roads always are going back.

~ Sarah Orne Jewett, The Country Road of Pointed Firs, 1896





We used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about "and." ~Arthur Stanley Eddington





No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place.

~ Zen





The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing.

~ Eric Berne





The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.

~ Aldous Huxley





Genuine tragedies in the world are not conflicts between right and wrong. They are conflicts between two rights.

~ Georg Hegel





We are spirits clad in veils.

~ Christopher P. Cranch





We often think that when we have completed our study of one we know all about two, because "two" is "one and one." We forget that we still have to make a study of "and."

~ A. Eddington





If I am not pleased with myself, but should wish to be other than I am, why should I think highly of the influences which have made me what I am?

~ John Lancaster Spalding



If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.

~ Francis Bacon





To believe with certainty we must begin with doubting.

~ Stanislaus I of Poland





The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth - that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one.

~ H.L. Mencken





The future influences the present just as much as the past.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche





When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

~ John Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra, 1911





One does what one is; one becomes what one does.

~ Robert von Musil, Kleine Prosa





You can't fall off the floor.

~ Unknown





A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.

~ Unknown





In general people experience their present naively, as it were, without being able to form an estimate of its contents; they have first to put themselves at a distance from it - the present, that is to say, must have become the past - before it can yield points of vantage from which to judge the future.

~ Sigmund Freud, The Future of an Illusion





The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

~ Robert M. Pirsig





A stumble may prevent a fall.

~ English Proverb





When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

~ Friedrich Nietzche





Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.

~ Matsuo Basho

...but still we ask ourselves:

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?



A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?



A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?

Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable, and a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.



Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?



A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right?

My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?



A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?



A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?



A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?



A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?



A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!!

"It's the best feel-good food around!"





Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...



One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."



*****

Peter Kay jokes, attributed 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.



4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.



5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.



6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.



7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.



8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have

a fire in your back garden.



10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.



13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.



14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.



15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.



17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.



18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at

the first given opportunity.



19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.



20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.



21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.



22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.



23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.



24) You never ever run out of salt.



25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.



26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.



27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.



28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.



29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.



30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.



31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.



32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of

wood specifically to stir paint with.



33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.



34) Bricks are horrible to carry.



35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.



36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad and more questions: 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?



2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?



3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?



5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?



6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?



7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?



8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for

centuries' have a 'use by' date?



9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a

horrible crisp no one would eat?



10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?



11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll

squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?



12. What do people in China call their good plates?



13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but

don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?



14. What do you call male ballerinas?



15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?



16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?



17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?



18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a

billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?



19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?



20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets

mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

One Liners from Stephen Wright - a Canadian comic:



Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next-door went nuts. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? So what is the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open, it is not a-door? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the

self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn't. A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said "Wish you were here". Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. Every so often I like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said "Cut it out". My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an eighty-foot step ladder with a coat hanger. When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to? The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it's further away. I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

more 'why's'



Can you cry under water?



How important does a person have to be before they are considered

assassinated instead of just murdered?



If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?



Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny

for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were

buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What illness did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would

be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake

up like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in

binoculars to look at things on the ground?



How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for

Miss America?



If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



and finally...



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

*****'

1. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



2. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have

monkeys and apes?



3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all

the bad girls live.



4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the

self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the

purpose.



5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?



6. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with

soap?



7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,

is it considered a hostage situation?



8. Is there another word for synonym?



9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"



10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an

endangered plant?



11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?



12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?



13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone

will clean them?



14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



15. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?



16. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right

to remain silent?



17. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?



18. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road

signs?



19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?



20. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other

people.



21. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?



22. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



23. How is it possible to have a civil war?



24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?



25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?



26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S"

in it?



28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of

"assteroids"?



29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?



30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?



31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he

become disoriented?



32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

*****

There's always more ...........





Misers aren't fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors.



Act your age, not your I.Q.



The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half

by our children.



May you live all the days of your life.



The English have a remarkable talent for remaining calm even when there is no crisis.



Hertz Van Rental is not a Dutch impressionist painter!



I just heard from Bill Bailey. He's not coming home.



Negative thinking: On the day Edison invented the light bulb, the

headlines would have read "Disaster hits the candle-making industry!"



Why is it that women's petticoats sag, yet men's shirts creep up?



TV permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you

wouldn't ordinarily let into your house.



There's an old saying - if you hear an owl hoot "whom" instead of "who", it was probably born and educated in Boston.



A television audience is a lot of people with nothing to do watching a

lot of people doing it.



Banks lend billions of dollars to third world countries, but for us,

they chain down their pens.



The place was so crowded, you couldn't breathe in and out. You had to breathe up and down.



Adult western. Where the hero still loves his horse, only now he's

worried about it.



Tautology. 'Armed and dangerous". Ever heard of anyone being 'Armed and gregarious or armed and helpful'?



If you want people to take notice of a Wet Paint sign, spell it Whet paynt.



And now to the weather. Its zero outside. No temperature at all.



No man forgets where he buried the hatchet.



When it come to giving, some people stop at nothing.



Never slap a man in the face if he's chewing tobacco.



You write? What a coincidence, I read.



Sleep faster, we need the pillows.



I get up at 6 am every morning, no matter what time it is.



We were so poor, chicken soup was the water we boiled the eggs in.



A fly in the soup is better than no meat at all.



My old age is probably explained by the fact that I did not touch

cigarettes, alcohol or women - until I was twelve years old.



The difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.



How can something be pretty ugly or a little big?



We are involved in precision guessing.



Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.



What do nudists do with their car keys after locking the car?



What is called congestion on the roads is called intimacy in night clubs.



Don't make the wrong mistakes.



The easiest way to find something which is lost is to buy a replacement.



If rocket scientists are so smart, why do they always count backwards?



If you tell people a star is ten billion miles away, they believe you.

Put a sign saying 'wet paint' and they feel an irresistible urge to

touch and check.



Thank God I'm an atheist.



A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.



Speaking of unemployment, the human brain has more than ten billion cells.



My wife gave me a watch. It was waterproof, anti-magnetic, shockproof, unbreakable, lifetime guarantee. I lost it



Maybe the fish goes home and brags about the size of the bait he stole.



There is a difference between wanting a job and wanting work.



No one is too busy to tell you how busy they are.



What can one expect of a day that begins with getting up in the morning?



Rain - something that, when you take an umbrella, it doesn't.



I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.



A wise man will never plant more garden than his wife is capable of

taking care of.



Punctuality is the art of arriving just in time to be indignant at the

lateness of others.



Strip away the layer of artificial tinsel which he displays and get to

the real tinsel underneath.



You can sleep on a matter before you decide - as long as you don't have a competitor who doesn't need sleep.



They don't make antiques like they used to.



It comes in three sizes. Large, Giant and Super. I'll give you the small

one - Large.



The watermelons were so big it wouldn't take many to make a dozen.



Name two pronouns. Who? Me?



Among things science does not understand is why mosquitoes do not need sleep.



I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.



Et cetera: That which makes people believe you know more than you do.



"Our answering machine is away for repair. This is a person speaking."



The brain is an organ with which we think we think.



History is something that never happened, written by a person who was not there.



A person who dares waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.



Sign on a gravestone, "What Are You Staring At!"



A book is a thing you look at when your TV is broken.



A myth is something that was never true but always will be.



Give me the luxuries of life and I will do without the necessities.



Everyone has one thing they can do better than anyone else, even if it is reading their own handwriting.



The more I see of mankind, the more I like my dog.



The human leg is a source of delight;

it carries your weight and governs your height.



Popular music is popular because a lot of people like it and for no

other reason.



Ninety percent of all scientists who ever lived have not yet died.



Research consists of going up alleys to see if they are blind.



Fish and guests begin to smell after three days.



***

and more puns...



1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.



2. A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. (thnik abuot taht ofr a miunte)



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.



7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."



9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.



10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."



12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?, Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"



13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family , so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.



14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



15. I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



16. A man became conscious in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms."



17. I went to a seafood disco party last week.... and pulled a mussel.



18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank; proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



************