Now teams can have contracts for up to two homegrown players stashed off the books. Plus they can also use Don Garber Fun Bucks errr -- "Targeted Allocation Money" to sign homegrowns to their first deal or sign "Special Discovery Players." No, we don't know what any of this means either.

12. Artur speculation

Will the 20-year-old São Paulo loanee/wunderkind make his debut this weekend? Will the "confident" Brazilian supplant Tony Tchani or Wil Trapp in the center of the park? Can he play as a No. 10? What sort of buddy cop hijinks will he and Jonathan Mensah get into while they're rooming together?

Well it's not "new" per se, more of a renewal of last year's partnership, but we'll settle for playing basic cable Guess Who for a few minutes before each road match. At least games won't exclusively be broadcast on Time Warner, which, as we all know, is the Devil.

10. Matt Doyle

MLSSoccer.com's Armchair Analyst apologized for his colleagues' malfeasance, and went on the record saying Crew SC belongs ranked among the top echelon in the league. The check is in the mail, Matt.

More craft beer, more cash registers, more local food trucks! And, coming soon, Kahiki Foods and, wait for it, a Corona Bar! Dom Toretto would approve.