"BDSM" is an acronym that covers every weird, outlandish, disgusting, terrifying, and degenerate sex act that everyone you know is intimately familiar with (yes, everyone). If you're a freak, then you know exactly what I'm talking about, and if the only thing you like is missionary position while a saxophone plays, then you're the only person like that, and we're all a bit scared of you.

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At least be more interesting than ladybugs.

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I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but everyone fucks weird. I seriously can't stress this enough. The next time you're in the living room of a friend or family member, look around. The old high school heirlooms have been in asses. That "funny" horse mask has been worn while boning. Why would anyone own more than one scarf if they weren't using it to tie people up? Every belt is a collar, every tie is a blindfold, every sock has been stuffed into someone's mouth. A friend of mine once asked me to help him move his dentist chair into his new apartment and no one even asked for or offered any explanation, because we all know what's up with that, don't we. OK, I'm lying a bit: I wasn't sorry to be the one to tell you that at all.