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My fellow Americans:With the November election just around the corner and both campaigns ramping up their rhetoric, there's been a lot of talk in the media about the candidates, their qualifications (or lack thereof), and what they might look like naked. That's all well and good - spirited discourse about prominent politicians' genitalia is essential to a healthy democracy - but with all this talk about Obama, McCain, Sarah Palin and (to a lesser extent) Joe Biden, I can't help but feel that someone has been left out of the national dialogue. I'm talking, of course, about me, Ross Wolinsky. I might not be a "Kennedyesque" senator with a gift for oration, nor have I ever been tortured as a POW in Hanoi (I don't even know what Hanoi is!), but let me be clear: I, Ross Wolinsky, am going to be the next President of the United States.

Now I know what you're thinking: Who is this Ross Wolinsky fella, and why in the name of Krokus should I vote for him? What's the Great Pizza Basket, and are those stink lines coming off of Florida? My agenda might be a little bit different than the other candidates', but that's probably because I'm not like the other candidates. Let's get into it, shall we?

HOMELAND SECURITY

We live in troubled times, and the war we are waging against terrorists abroad will be our legacy for generations to come. They hate us for our freedom, and they want to kill our pets and grandparents. It's no surprise that homeland security is on the minds of millions of Americans - we love our pets and grandparents. That's what America is all about.Barack Obama wants to "base homeland security spending on risk rather than pork-barrel politics." John McCain says that "the highest priority for any President is protecting the lives of American citizens."