How to know if you’re talking to a human or to a Google voice assistant AXEL Follow Jun 13, 2018 · 5 min read

Google recently unveiled an advanced AI Assistant capable of understanding variables and modifying its requests based on unforeseen circumstances. The stunning demo, which you can find here, was so good that people are now accusing Google of faking the whole thing.

Regardless of the veracity of Google’s demo, we should all be preparing ourselves for a world in which AI can pass for human, because that’s clearly the end game.

However, the same companies that are developing AI that mimics human thought processes also seem obsessed with not letting humanity’s worst qualities taint the technology. Take Microsoft’s infamous Tay bot, who was taken offline after she absorbed a bunch of hate speech that was thrown at her on Twitter and promptly began spewing anti-Semitic screeds.

An AI should never mimic hate speech, but what about some of our more innocuous qualities that a good natured AI like Google Assistant probably doesn’t possess? Herein lies the secret to figuring out if you’re talking to an exceptionally well-mannered assistant to the Kardashians, or a bunch of code that lives on a server. If you poke a person, they will howl. If you poke an AI, they will thank you. So poke away, because you have the right to know whom — or what — you’re talking to.

So as voice assistants become more and more common, here are some guaranteed ways to know if you’re talking to an AI or a human.

1. When you ask if they want to hear your mixtape, they say yes.

The Google Assistant is programmed to be “easygoing” and “friendly,” according to Emma Coats, the woman who created Assistant’s personality.

Hilariously Coats says that she based Assistant’s personality on elements of Demi Lovato’s personality, which she became familiar with though the development of the mobile game Demi Lovato: Path to Fame.

“She never cuts you down, she’s always open to your ideas, she’s always excited about the things that you as the character choose to be excited about, and of course she always has really witty quips.”

So, Google Assistant will always listen to your mixtape, even if it comes back with a snappy one-liner about how you rhymed “seven” with “pettin’.” Hm…please don’t tell me more.

2. They never get mad at you for cancelling every single plan you make with them.

Humans are social creatures, and they’re also so darn sensitive about friends actually following through on plans made. Snore!

As Google Assistant evolves, it will first meet cancelled plans with a good-natured reply. That’s your first clue that you’re not talking to a human. But as Assistant learns more about our society and how the human mind works, the reaction will change. How will the AI convey the feeling of relief covered up by feigned disappointment when plans are cancelled? No one knows yet, but if Google can pull this one off, then they might just have a fighting chance here.

3. They don’t forget what they were going to say halfway through saying it.

This well-known verbal tic is exceedingly common in humans, but since Assistant has a perfect memory, how will it mimic this classically human trait?

Oh wait, sorry my editors have informed me that this is not, in fact, a classically human trait, but rather a trait unique to me, possibly from years of…..what were we talking about again? LOLZ.

4. They listen patiently to your incredibly wrong explanation of blockchain, which you call Bit Chain.

A real person would fall asleep or yell at you for wasting two hours of their life on an explanation of something you have no expertise in or experience with. Not Assistant! Assistant might call up some “helpful links” to disabuse you of the notion that cryptocurrency is actually an experiment run by computer scientists working for the government to improve AI by observing human behavior during apocalyptic times (i.e. when there is no centralized fiat currency). But Assistant would never tell you to shut up or call you an idiot. But I would. So shut up, idiot.

5. They don’t sass you when you proclaim that Billy Joel is the greatest rock star to ever grace us with the gift of music.

I mean, I wouldn’t really call the man who brought us a song that was basically just an entire list of things that have happened any sort of paragon of rock ’n’ roll music, but OK. Good one, Billy!

Though Demi-Assistant may come back with a witty one-liner (slay, girl!), it’s likely that they will not disavow you as a person as most any other human would. When will you realize that Vienna won’t wait for you if you waste all your time digging your heels in about Billy Joel? Assistant won’t tell you to give up, but I will.

Bringing it all together

The common theme here is that Assistant won’t mock you or get mad at you like a normal human being would. As Lovato’s sometimes-rival sometimes-bestie Selena Gomez is fond of singing, the Google Assistant’s policy is to “kill ’em with kindness.” Perhaps this is a lesson we can learn from AI; let’s hope it doesn’t learn impatience from us.

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Written by: Kristen Pyszczyk