In a split second, light becomes dark. Day becomes night. Everything just becomes a blur.

It takes just one well-timed punch to send weeks and months of hard work crashing down to the canvas. The eyes close. In the background, the distant noise of a roaring crowd, many in disbelief, rings through his ears.

Julian Rabaud could feel his face burning. His eyes were hurting and his heart was breaking. So much began to run through his mind as he stood up in disbelief. So many people would be disappointed. So many people would feel ripped off… So many people would find joy in the pain of “The Jackal.”

“I think after the last fight, it was kinda clear that I was in a bit of shock with the outcome, and I think a lot of other people were, too,” Rabaud confessed to The MMA Corner. “I think some people might have understood the loss, but I was obviously one of those people that didn’t understand. We’ve spoken about my anxiety before, and it being a massive problem in my life. Conquering that and putting that behind me was the best thing that happened to me—being able to be confident and live life and doing what I do without having to worry about the anxiety and having panic attacks before a fight. After the last fight, though, when I was getting off the floor and getting into the back room, it just hit me. I fell into a massive panic attack. I knew what it was and I was scared.”

After his 25-second loss to Ben Nguyen at Nitro 11 that saw Rabaud relinquish his bantamweight championship, Rabaud turned everything off and went to Sydney. The anxiety had hit again and the best thing to do was to get away from it all. The best thing to do was to get away from that fight, to be as far away as possible.

“The last thing I wanted to do was look at that fight, think of the fight, think of that time, so I jumped on a plane and I left to Sydney, where I spent time with my girlfriend looking after me, and I just felt so much fucking heartache about the fight. That anxiety, it almost killed me. When you’ve got a barrel of a shotgun pointed to your head, you think a bit differently,” Rabaud admitted. “You start thinking about yourself, you start thinking about your family and you start thinking about your life. And unfortunately, I’m not gonna lie, fighting for me, all that shit that went on, I was quite upset with myself. I was quite upset with what happened and the fact that I didn’t know that this could happen to me and this demon and this personal thing inside me could come back and haunt me again.

“I’d been in Sydney for five months. I hadn’t spoken about the fight. I didn’t read the magazine that came out [about me]. I never fucking bought it. I didn’t wanna know anything. I was very, very, very beside myself, and basically, three nights ago, I was back on medication and come off again and everything was all good and I was coming strong. When it comes to fighting, that sacrifice or the threat of me being touched up or being knocked out or rocked, it sorta dawned on me, is this gonna happen every time? I just had to dwell on it a bit, and I thought it was time that I looked at that fight again.

“And I did. I watched it and I watched it, probably about 20 times. And I know it was only a short fight, but I sat there and I watched it. I’ve been hit so hard in the gym. I’ve been bashed around by guys three times the size of Ben, and that’s something that I credit myself on. I’m not an athletic guy. I don’t have the ability, I don’t have the brains—I’m simple. Ben was very smart, but I credit myself on being tough. I never ever expected that outcome. He knew me. He knew me well. He watched a lot of my last fight. He knew that I move back, and he knows that I’m really calm about being struck in the head. He capitalized on that because I waited too long. He did a good job of stopping me so soon, and if he was gonna do it, that’s how he had to do it.”

Reflection is an integral aspect of moving forward for any fighter. Anybody who continues to focus on their shortcomings inside the cage is not going to ever be able to succeed again, no matter how many useful tips for tonight (or tomorrow, or next week) they are given. For Rabaud, that meant watching the tape that he had avoided for so long, and then, working out an action plan.

“After I watched it, and I booked a plane ticket and I got on the plane and I landed early this [Monday] morning, I went straight to my gym and I was welcomed there by my team and we trained,” Rabaud recalled. “And then later, I trained that night. I wasn’t ready to face some things. I’m still human. I’m embarrassed and ashamed, all these feelings I’ve never felt before. You don’t train for that. There’s nothing you can do to prepare yourself for that. That’s the fight game. I had to fucking man up. I had to look down the barrel of that gun and say, ‘Alright, you’re gonna have to kill me, ’cause this is something that I love.’ I’ve got it in my blood. I can’t walk away; I have to fight. I’m back. I’m back on the scene. I’m back in the gym. I’ve got nobody on my mind but me. I’ve got some things to clear up with Nitro and then I’ll be back, and it’ll be on Nitro. I’m not interested in fighting anywhere else, and I want my belt back.

“All the bullshit aside, I’m sleeping on the floor in the gym. I’ve put myself there, not because I don’t have anywhere else to go. All my family is here, all my friends—I’ve got plenty of places to go. I put myself there because I don’t want no sympathy; I don’t want hugs and kisses. I wanna be left alone and work on me. I wanna change a lot about my style, as a person, as a man and as a mixed martial artist. Maybe I’ll start to concentrate on being a mixed martial artist [who] isn’t a brawler. I’m always gonna look to bang on someone and get that finish. There’s some things I wanna get to know in myself. There’s a lot for me to work on.”

As far as a return to the cage goes, Rabaud isn’t looking to rush into things. Coming back from a loss can be one of the most important fights of a career, and working on how to ensure that the same thing doesn’t happen again is at the forefront of Rabaud’s mind.

“I’m not looking to do anything until early next year, and I’m gonna train right through,” he revealed. “Nitro have a show in October, and I think Ben will probably defend his title. Hopefully he keeps it—I like to right the wrongs. I did it with Chris [Morris]. There’s no reason why I can’t or won’t do it with Ben. He can understand that. If he went out the same way and he wanted a rematch, I’d give it to him. The guy’s a superstar. He’s had over 20 fucking fights or something. I’m up for the challenge. I’m up for the fight. I’m not scared of any obstacle, and I don’t think that any obstacle can’t be moved with what’s on my mind and my heart.

“I know he’s got skills. I know he’s quick. But I tell ya what he had on that night and it wasn’t one of them—he had nothing but luck. It was nothing but fucking luck. That’s all it is when you knock someone out, and I’ve had luck before, too, but I don’t get to show who the fuck I am. And that was a fight that I got to and it never happened. It’s not about the fuckin belt, all that glitter and shit—not interested. You know what’s bigger than a belt? A name. The man. A real man in front of ya, that’s the fucking biggest thing to conquer, and that’s all I’m interested in. It may not be him, it may be someone else, but whoever it is, I’ve big things to make right.

“I’ve got nothing else. I’ve got nothing else. You don’t make no money in this sport, you don’t eat in this sport, you don’t get fucking nothing in this sport. I just wanna fight and beat the man in front of me. People talk about big pictures and the UFC and all that. That’s a big fucking company, man. There’s a lot of talent out there. At the end of the day, I just wanna beat whoever the fuck is in front of me and I wanna be the hero of the night. That’s it. That’s all it is now.”

A big part of Rabaud’s competitive advantage is his ability to cut so much weight leading up to a fight. Of course, there is also a detriment that comes with such a skill.

“I cut 20 kilograms for the fight [with Nguyen]. I cut seven kilograms the day before the fight and, man, I was tired. I was ready to have a nap before he hit me,” Rabaud admitted. “When I fight people, it’s no secret, I’ll give it to every fucking opponent that’s ever gonna face me, this little bit of advice: you’ve spent more time in the gym working on your technique, your game plan, your skill, your fucking strengths, all that shit, you should be better on the fucking night. I’d be insulted if you’re fuckin not, because all I do is cut fucking weight. I don’t get to fucking do all this fancy shit. I gotta cut weight ’cause I’m a short guy with short arms and I’m thick. I’m fucking fat. I’ve gotta cut that weight to fight guys my height. I might step it up, I might go to 65 [kilograms]. I can’t fight guys with the reach and all that.

“I care about my record. I care about my sheet before I go to bed—I wanna be clean. I wanna fight guys that are good match-ups. I wanna make my name. It’s just a fucking street fight if the match-ups aren’t right, and you can do that at the pub. You can fucking play snakes and ladders all night. At the end of the day, to fight, I’ve gotta cut that weight. And it’s a miserable thing, but I know that’s what I gotta do. I’m putting it all on the table. At the end of the day, you’ve gotta fight.

“I based my whole camp on fucking Ben being the fucking Karate Kid and he came out like fucking Bruce Lee and blasted on me. I’m not scared to tell people these little things about me, my weaknesses or whatever. I come in drained. I’ve gotta fix that. I’ve gotta put more juice in the tank. That’s what I need to do. I’m still learning who I am—as a man, as a fighter.”

After his loss to Nguyen, Rabaud was met with a great deal of criticism on social media and on online MMA betting guides. He knew it was bound to happen, considering his vocal presence. He leaves nothing to the imagination with his confidence, both in and out of the cage. But as his critics talked, Rabaud kept to himself. Adding fuel to the fire isn’t his forte, after all. He prefers to be the one that starts the blaze.

“All these drug allegations, people sayin’ ‘Jackal’s on drugs, that’s why he lost his fight’—no, dickheads. Jackal is fucking human, that’s why he lost the fight,” Rabaud exclaimed. “I didn’t like that people were saying I was smoking ice and apparently I’m doing this and that. I fucking wish that I smoked ice, because it wouldn’t be such a fucking hard weight cut, would it? It frustrates me. People are so low, though. These are people that can’t fight, won’t fight, don’t fight. I don’t say anything, though. I just sit back and wait, and then I’ll tell my story. I just wanna be the best that I can possibly be. I wanna fucking show people what I’ve got. I wanna show ‘em what I can take [and] that I can give out a bashing. Hell, I don’t even care if I’m the one getting bashed. I’m not giving up.

“I’m coming fucking fight ya. I’m fighting with myself right now—I’m fighting in my head. I’ve got so much going on. I’ve got debt. I lost some money. I’ve got anxiety. Some people are really shy; they don’t wanna express this kinda stuff. I’m happy with who I am. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and everyone does, and I’m not someone to say I didn’t make them. I put my hand up and I say, ‘Yeah, I did it.’ I just hope people can understand. I fix the fucking problem. When the gun was pointed at my head, you don’t think about nothing else. Unfortunately, it’s human nature that you worry for yourself. I’m kinda happy this shit has happened, and it’s happened for a reason. And I’m gonna keep it close to me. I’m bitter, I really am.”

At the best of times, fighting professionally can be a tough business. Working so hard in preparation for a fight to have that feeling of bliss taken away from you, that can cause any proud competitor to question exactly what they are doing. Rabaud knows that with a loss comes the chance to win again, and that’s what he now looks forward to the most.

“I wanna sit up on that fucking cage,” Rabaud confessed. “It feels like I’ve never sat up on that cage. I know no fighter trains as hard as me in that division. No one does. I’m not expecting to lose at all. I wanna fuckin get out there again; I wanna say I’m sorry. I wanna show I’m sorry to Nitro. I wanna give the people what they wanted to see, what I hyped, what we published, all that. Fuck, I just wanna give it all back, everything that we promised. That’s the worst thing, telling the world that you’re gonna do something and not being able to do it. And it happens day in and day out with fighters. And for anybody where that has happened, they should fix it, or at least fucking try.

“That’s why I’m back in Queensland. I’ve ripped myself down into pieces so that I can put myself back together the way I want to. I’m in pieces right now, and now I’m gonna put it all together. Every time I get on the phone, I give you a piece of me. It’s just me. There’s no sugar; there’s no fucking confetti. That piece, it’s me on paper, and that’s all there is to it. And now it’s time for me to put it all together.”

Julian would like to thank everybody that has contacted him through social media over the past few days and would like to express his gratitude for the support that he has been getting. Follow Rabaud on Facebook.