NON-SMOKERS would prefer vaping to be fatal, it has emerged.

Smoking abstainers are calling for e-cigarettes to contain deadly and debilitating chemicals to allow them to continue feeling smug.

Non-smoker Tom Logan said: “My neighbour has a much better job than me and a far more attractive girlfriend, but as he’s a smoker I could always take comfort in the thought of him dying an agonising death.

“Recently however he started vaping, so now he probably won’t have a leg amputated or get lung cancer.

“His clothes don’t stink, I never see him shivering out in the garden and if anything he’s smoking more.

“I definitely think they should put cancer in vapes. That or something worse, like bubonic plague or toxic waste that makes you turn into a monster.”

Office manager Donna Sheridan agreed: “Now that all my smoker mates are using supposedly harmless vapes, I’ve had to start hanging around crack houses to feel better than others.

“But I keep getting my purse stolen and if you’re not interested in crack they really don’t have much else to talk about.”