I wrote this back in the day under a different alter ego. In fact, I think all 7 of my followers at the time read it. It was crazy popular.

2012 – Winter

So let me tell you something: it’s getting really freaking cold outside. It sure would be nice to have a nice warm knit hat. Many of you probably have a lovely knit hat already, but I don’t and here’s why.

My wife is a treacherous fiend. I could pretty much stop the blog post right here and you would have all the information that you need, but there is humor in the back story so here we go.

I met my wife in May of 2009, it was one of the best days of my life. It was a warm day filled with laughter and a lot of booze (the booze was key to snagging that first date). When I met her, I lived in a different state, a so called “Sunshine State,” so long distance was the only option. However, I was at a crossroads in my professional career. I was starting to hate my job for which I was grossly underpaid, and began looking at other options. I found an opportunity that paid almost double and decided to take a month break between the two jobs. The idea was to take a temporary break and move into the frozen north so that I could spend a month with my wife whose treachery was at this point unknown. This happened in October of 2009.

Now October is fine, not super cold, but not warm either and since I was only going to be staying a month, I didn’t bring any winter clothing. That decision made perfect sense until I found that my entry into this new job was being delayed indefinitely. So now I’m stuck in the frozen north for all of winter. Being a manly man, I did the only thing I could think of and bitched constantly about the cold. It was good natured (mostly) because my wife took to calling me her “little lizard,” which isn’t manly at all, but in her words was “super stinkin’ cute.” Wife took pity on me by the way and promised that she’d knit me a hat. This is where the story really begins. If this were a movie, the weird “some bad shit’s gonna happen” music would start playing as the intro credits started appearing on this screen. Fast forward to February; it is cold as balls, I am starting my job back in Florida and I still have no knit hat. She bought the yarn, purchased a knitting pattern, and broke her first real promise.

Even though I was back in the Sunshine State, I still wanted that knit hat. It’s nice to have something hand-made for you. But she then refused. Her argument? You don’t need a hat because it’s not cold in Florida. I’ll make you one when you move up here for good. So I moved! I moved back to the frozen north in October of 2010 with the promise that a warm knit hat would be fashioned for me post hastily. I took a job, the worst job I’ve ever had by the way, where I worked almost entirely outside. In the cold. All freaking winter. And did I get a hat? No! I moved to the frozen tundra that is the middle-east coast after being promised head wear, and instead got shafted. Here’s the kicker, I still didn’t have much winter clothing, and as a direct result of going hatless, I contracted pneumonia and nearly died.

At this point in the post you are no doubt thinking, how can this have happened? There must have been some sort of hat accident or hat shortage because wife promised! He moved up for this hat, surely there must be an explanation. There is an explanation by the way; it’s just a bad one. Apparently, the proper knitting needles disappeared. They up and vanished… or so I was told.

And so it goes, promises made and broken pass by like a poorly done 80’s montage. The messed up thing is that my head gets really cold! I tried to buy a hat once.

“Nooooooo! If you buy a hat it will make me feel bad because I promised to make you one. I’ll start working on it, I promise”

I tried bribing her with her own knit hat.

“Oh oh oh oh! That knit hat is soooo pretty, will you buy it for me?”

“What?! You want me to buy you a knit hat when, after two years you have yet to deliver a single knitted product to my head? Are you out of your god damn mind?!”

“But if you buy me that hat I will love you forever and I PROMISE that I’ll make your hat this winter.”

“Ok.” And then I pulled out my credit card like a loser.

And so this has happened every winter since I’ve met my wife. Every winter I sit idly by as she spins her web of lies. She’s knit booties and hats for babies, scarves, and blankets, but my head remains cold and unadorned. Nearly every member of my family has a knitted product from her except for me. The current excuse is that there is a knitting curse which states that if she makes me a hat, or any other knitted product, we will break up. I asked her if she had considered the similar consequences of not making me a knitted hat and she had, but she was ok with it. Why do I put up with the lies and betrayals? It’s probably because that even though she is a treacherous hat fiend, I still love her. In the spring, summer, and fall months, I love my wife. She’s beautiful, funny as hell, and a lot of fun to be around. But every winter I am faced with her darkest side. The side that refuses to make me that hat even though I really really want it. In the cold and unforgiving winter months, I must learn to accept that I will likely never get my hat, but at least I’ll have a hot, persistent rage to keep me warm. Oh, and Lovely Wife, if you’re reading this, it’s winter time and I want my hat.

For the love of god, before it’s too late.