The coronavirus is the 3rd best thing to happen for the environment since the 2015 Paris Agreement(2nd best), and the sexual intercourse between Maye and Errol in South Africa in 1971 which resulted in the conception of Elon Musk (1st best). Not really a popular opinion during a time of global crisis, but you don’t need to be a genius to figure out that all the measures being taken to curtail the spread of the virus is going to end up preventing tonnes and tonnes of carbon from being released into the atmosphere. I am too lazy to do the math, but I am sure there are experts also asking the same questions. The numbers regarding the long term environmental consequences of this crisis will eventually come out.

The virus has coincided with China’s biggest holiday when a billion people travel hundreds of kilometers at the same time. Gifts are given left and right, a hefty proportion of which is made using plastic. People have mixed feelings when it comes to the Chinese government and you could use a myriad of adjectives to describe said feelings, but “incompetent” is not one of them. 50 to 60 million people have been put on lockdown in Wuhan and a general caution in China of trying to contain the spread has resulted in perhaps the most toned down and humble passing of this grandest of holidays. Millions of kilometers of carbon emitting travel cancelled. Millions of plastic products no longer needed. Thousands of companies that have been uncomfortable with the idea of letting their employees work from home have suddenly embraced remote first as a viable method for fighting the virus, millions of kilometers of work commute emissions reduced. Countries have put restrictions on air travel into and out of China and as a direct consequence tourism has drastically declined. Millions of kilometers of extremely high emission air travel cancelled.

If the Chinese government cannot successfully contain this virus, then it is safe to assume that no country can. In which case the virus will become a global epidemic and join the 4 other crown viruses to become a season flu of sorts. However, before it can slowly turn into “just another flu”, its going to kill a lot of people. And based on the current trends, a disproportionate number of those people are going to be boomers. Boomers as individuals are the people with the highest individual carbon emissions in the world, also they are the most likely to oppose environmentally friendly policies. So a virus that fatally targets the individuals that contribute to climate change the most is a millennial SJW’s wet dream. Suddenly it seems like the American boomer dream of screwing the planet for the next generation whilst living a retirement of fabulous luxury might be cut short. At the very least, the virus is decreasing the influx of sad, lonely, old boomers travelling to south east Asia to find true love. Less rich old white men getting long time loving, less carbon released into the air.

However, perhaps the biggest long term consequence of this is going to be economic. The virus is going to cost countries all over the world billions of dollars. Stock indices will drop, multinational corporations will incur losses, and the purity of wall street cocaine will decrease. Natural gas developers in the US have already started feeling the effects of climate change, demand of oil and gas is not keeping up with supply as winters keep becoming warmer with each passing year. The virus has struck another blow with Chinese demand for oil and gas falling because of it. All in all, the end result is that the coronavirus is going to have a very devastating effect on the core and heart of what Americans value the most, the S&P 500. The coronavirus is showing the entire world that there can be instances where economic growth can be sacrificed for the greater good, so the question becomes “If economic growth can be sacrificed to fight a virus, why can it not be sacrificed to fight climate change?”. The conclusion of all this economic downturn will be as follows; “the global economy plummeted, life for millenials and zoomers didn’t change the slightest bit because it was already pretty shit to begin with”. Corporations have been trying to shift the responsibility of fighting climate change towards individuals and their day to day behaviors. But no matter how much composting Karen does, it is not going to put a dent towards reducing emissions. So if the coronavirus drives environmentally irresponsible multinational corporations to the brink of bankruptcy, might as well enjoy the show.

With each passing day, it’s becoming more and more likely that climate change could be one of the underlying reasons behind the current outbreak. A bat(let’s call him Jeremy) after a long hard night of hunting and bumping into other bats(Fact: bats are blind and they are constantly bumping into each other mid flight)returns to his lair and tries to have a good day’s worth of sleep. Jeremy is quite religious when it comes to keeping proper sleep etiquette, but no amount of sleep hygiene is going to help him. Unfortunately for Jeremy, it’s another restless day because it’s just too hot to fucking sleep. After a few sleepless days, Jeremy is tired af and his immune system has turned to shit. He goes hunting for bird chicks and whilst consuming a single chick(Jeremy is on a diet) he spits and coughs all over the other chicks in the nest. An unlucky snake who is destined to be soup next week stumbles upon the remaining chicks and suddenly a thousand people(and counting) die. Perhaps this is mother nature’s way of warning us “Don’t fuck with me”.