mood: tired tired music: Down - Something Corporate

I am grateful that I bought this blanket at Target last year; it's really soft & warm. I am grateful for Life cereal- it's not Top Ramen, so that's a nice change. I am grateful that I bought the "Something Corporate" album I used to listen to in high school. I am grateful that my cousin stopped by yesterday. I let her borrow a pair of pants for an interview she has today. We used to be pretty close; I miss her. I am grateful that I have a house to live in. It's much better than the apartment.

Gratitude List:Per the advice of my therapist, I started today's entry with a gratitude list.I have an appointment with my (new) psychiatrist at 3 today; I'm afraid of not having enough time to convey how I'm feeling. And he doesn't know anything about me- I really built up an extensive history with Dr. McC and I feel like I have to start all over with Dr. J. Ihave all my records transferred to Dr. J, though. I hope he read through them.So far, my cramps aren't as bad today as they were yesterday. My cramps wereyesterday. I was in a lot of pain. I don't remember ever being in pain like that with cramps. Hopefully it was just a one-time thing. I'm already planning my hysterectomy; can't wait to get rid of this uterus.For as long as I can remember, I've had a pretty morbid sense of curiosity. I'm interested in things that other people find grotesque and abnormal- things they. Pictures of dead or deformed people, videos of suicides, bloody hospital scenes, etc. Those things don'tme. However, I absolutely cannot look at videos/pictures/recordings of animals being hurt or killed. One time in middle school I saw a video of a Japanese woman stepping on a kitten with her stiletto heel; I will never forget that. It was horrible.Mail will be here in a half hour; I wonder if my new debit card will come. I really don'tthe card, I just feel more comfortable having it in case I have to spend money on something.Have you ever been on morphine? I have & you know that heavy feeling all your limbs get? That's how I feel. My head doesn't feel messed up, but my limbs are. I don't even want to hold my head up anymore. I just want to melt into my mattress.I saw G last night for a few minutes. We were supposed to meet at 6:30 at the coffee place, but he didn't show. I wasn't mad or upset; I was just proud of myself for getting out of the house and sitting outside for an hour. He texted me at 7:20 and apologized because his phone died and he was running late. Again, I didn't really care. I bought our coffee and parked in front of his apartment building. We sat in the car for 10 minutes and talked about depression and how inspiring G thought I was last summer whenever he came out to hang with the F's and I was there. I never really thought I could be seen as inspiring, but he said he really admired how cheerful I was and how "together" I seemed. After R died and we had his birthday dinner at the Chinese place, G was so inspired by me that he decided to get his life "together" and get a job that he could enjoy as much as I enjoyed mine. I had no idea. It's interesting that I never would have realized that I had an impact on his life if he hadn't said anything. I only got to talk to G for 10 minutes yesterday, but it was nice. At least I got out of the house.I'm taking the puppy to the dog park today after boyfriend gets home. You can't actually say "dog park" around the puppy because he knows what it means and he gets all excited and thinks we're going RIGHT THAT SECOND. Boyfriend made the mistake of saying "dog park" last night and puppy was so excited, but then we had to tell him that we weren't going until tomorrow (today). He was so mad; he was barking at us. Poor puppy.I think I'll stay up for the mail and fold some laundry. Orto fold some laundry. Makes me think of Yoda- "Do or do not. There is no try."My debit card didn't come in the mail and the cramps are back. Puppy is barking, so I'm going to move the trash cans in front of the gate so he can't see out of it (the cats tease him). Didn't do any laundry.