Ex-UR athlete tries to break gay stereotypes

Nate Novosel was a four-year starter and two-time captain of the basketball team at the University of Rochester, a strong 6-foot-5 forward who helped lead the Yellowjackets to the NCAA Sweet 16.

His credentials off the court were even more impressive. A double-major in economics and political science with a 3.75 GPA, Novosel was a teaching assistant in both areas of study. He co-founded and chaired a business fraternity, was vice president of the College Democrats club and was an avid volunteer in religious and reading programs, giving his time — regularly and passionately. Novosel won numerous awards for his scholarly and civic efforts.

It seemed like the ideal college life. Novosel was interested in everything at UR — except girls.

“It would kill me inside, basically, if I continued that for the rest of my life,” Novosel said about hiding that he was gay. “I don’t want to speak for everyone, but a lot of the time those individuals that have been closeted for so long, it’s more of an internal battle. There’s so much guilt and self-hate, you have to personally get over it. Even if the whole world accepted who you are, you haven’t accepted yourself yet.”

But Novosel finally did, coming out to family and friends right before graduating from UR in 2012, and now the 25-year-old wants to help others. He knows there are stereotypes about gay men. What they look like. How they act. In a world that’s more accepting of homosexuality than when he was growing up, Novosel wants to do his part to dispel those misconceptions.

“I’m sharing my story here in hopes that somewhere out there, a student who’s living in the shadows can see that there’s a better way — and that there are people who have made this journey before them who will love and support them because of the beautiful individual they are,” Novosel wrote in a piece posted on the Teach For America website.

It’s titled: “How I Turned My Deepest Shame Into My Strongest Asset.”

It was posted June 30, four days after the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic ruling to end a decades-long fight to legalize gay marriage. On Aug. 15, Novosel will marry his fiancé, John Eric Lingat, on the patio of the Campbell House Hotel in Lexington, Kentucky. About 90 family members and friends are expected.

“He’s one of the best people I know, one of the nicest people I know. He has an incredible work ethic and he’s always trying to help people,” said his friend and former UR teammate Mike Labanowski, a McQuaid graduate. “I’m just happy for him.”

But it took a long time for even this smart and charismatic young man, the one named “Boy of the Year” in his class four times at Lexington Catholic, to get to this place in his life.

Telling his sister

Novosel, who works for Teach For America in Washington, D.C., as a recruitment associate for its Military Veterans Initiative, was a swimmer and basketball player growing up. Both of his sisters, Shannon, 28, and his twin, Natalie, 25, played hoops, too, in the basketball-crazed Bluegrass State.

Natalie was a 5-11 standout guard at Notre Dame, which was NCAA runner-up in her senior year, and the No. 8 overall pick in the WNBA Draft by the Washington Mystics. She was released after her rookie season and is now playing in Australia.

Like her brother, she’s gay. In fact, Natalie is the first person Nate told. But he didn’t know that when they had a heart-to-heart that March night in 2010 on the Notre Dame campus. They were college sophomores and UR’s season was over. Nate took a train to South Bend and watched Natalie’s NCAA Tournament game that day.

“I don’t think I had the intention of telling her, it just happened,” he recalled of the conversation that lasted more than three hours. “It’s hard to keep those things in a long time.”

Nate remembers where they sat that night, beneath the stars on a “secluded bench.” He said it felt “pitch black.” When they were done talking, his sexuality was in the light. But Natalie’s wasn’t.

“At the time, she was struggling with the same thing I was … when I opened up to her it gave her some clarity about what she (was) going through,” he said.

It would be two more years until he told anyone else, including his parents, Jaine (pronounced Janey) and Nick.

“It’s a process coming out,” he said. “You’re never completely out.”

Novosel’s struggles are not unprecedented.

“That sense of self-isolation is not uncommon among athletes from what I have seen and heard from others,” said Scott Fearing, executive director of the Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley. “Part of the coming out process is accepting yourself and then testing the waters by telling those around you.”

The hiding game

Though he never felt comfortable with it, Novosel had a few girlfriends in high school. He can’t pinpoint when he knew he felt different from other boys his age about the opposite sex.

“It’s funny, a lot of people have asked me that,” he said. “Just like for heterosexual people, there’s never an exact moment when they’re like, ‘Oh gosh! I know I’m straight now!’ I always felt different when all of my buddies were, you know, saying that they were into this girl or whatnot. I just didn’t feel that at all.”

He didn’t know how to handle what he was feeling, so he just hid it. Society told him, he says, that he “should be attracted to girls.” But he wasn’t.

“The biggest part for me,” he said, “was that I hate letting people down.”

Raised as a Catholic, he thought he’d be doing that if he shared his true feelings. He was recruited to play basketball at colleges in Kentucky, but wanted to get away from home, in part, because of his secret.

“Moving to Rochester allowed me to have a fresh start,” he said. “Even though I was closeted, it still reset things for me.”

Once he left home and settled in at UR and still felt that same way he realized: “Gosh, there’s no way I’m not gay,” Novosel said.

There were always excuses why it didn’t work out with one girl or why a date didn’t go well, but Novosel found a way to avoid even that. He kept himself so busy that he’d tell his friends he simply didn’t have time for a girlfriend.

“(That) was a big crutch,” he said.

It wasn’t easy. There were more “pressures” in college than high school, Novosel said. At parties and on trips for basketball, you talk about girls.

“It was a constant, I guess, balance between trying to appease my friends but also knowing (girls aren’t) something I wanted to pursue,” he said.

New life from death

His junior year of high school, Novosel met Dick Robinson through a mutual friend. Robinson was an agent for baseball players, an entrepreneur and former politician. Politics always intrigued Novosel. Robinson became something of a mentor. He thinks Robinson had more confidence in his future than he did himself.

Robinson’s death early in Novosel’s senior year at UR — he was killed in a bicycle accident — was a key event in Novosel’s path to coming out.

“Although I had never told Dick about my secret, it wasn’t too late to live up to his belief in me and the person I was (and am) … even in death, (he) helped me to finally scrape that last bit of guilt and shame off my shoulders to tell my friends and family that I was gay,” Novosel wrote in his TFA piece.

About a week before graduation, he told four of his housemates who were also basketball teammates. Initially, he said, they were shocked.

“They had no idea what I’d been going through. I had gotten good at hiding,” Novosel recalled.

Their reaction brought him relief. “Nate, nothing has changed,” was their sentiment, Novosel said. “You’re our boy and there’s nothing that can change that.”

Labanowski, who’d graduated a year earlier, found out a little later, but when Novosel finally told him in person, his response was the same.

“I was a little shocked, but I was fine with it. We talked about how it was a weight off his shoulders and you could see that it has been lifted,” said Labanowski, 25, who also works in the D.C. area.

Novosel also shared his secret with former UR coach Mike Neer and current coach Luke Flockerzi, who’d replaced Neer during Novosel’s career. Each was compassionate.

“I marvel at how much he has accomplished given the emotional energy he must have spent to keep from revealing himself,” Neer said. “A freer, happier Nate has even more to give and share.”

Novosel regrets not telling them sooner. “That might have made my journey a little easier,” he said.

Teachable moments

Like many others, telling his parents was difficult.

“(My mom) was one of the first to say she already knew. That’s just a mother’s sense,” Novosel said. “My father (who is 74) … he comes from a different generation and I don’t think he has been exposed to some of the people and experiences I have. At first, we didn’t see eye to eye.”

Their relationship is better now, though.

“He has always made sure that I knew that he still loves me, but he’s still trying to figure this out,” Novosel said. “For me, it took 20 years to figure out. I can definitely give my Dad the time and be patient and support him the way he supports me.”

Novosel and Lingat, 29, met when Novosel was teaching third grade in D.C. Lingat also taught at the school and “we just hit it off,” Novosel said. They’ve been together for three years.

Another breakthrough moment for Novosel was finally sharing his secret with his students in 2013, his second year of teaching. He said he had “doubts” about doing it because he knew most had “heard the word gay but still didn’t understand it.”

But one incident convinced him to come forward. He heard a few students teasing a classmate, calling him “gay” and some other “horrific things,” Novosel said. He didn’t take the decision to disclose his sexuality lightly. But he felt it was important, one of those teachable moments.

“I shared with them how hurtful (calling someone gay in that manner) could be and broke it down in third-grade terms,” he said.

There was more discussion after their first talk — some during class, others one-on-one — but Novosel felt good. He felt like he made a difference in their lives and that’s why he wants to keep sharing his story.

“It wasn’t perfect,” he said, “but I hope I was able to open their thoughts to the stereotypes they might have of what a gay man should look like.”

It can also be perceived as a step in the right direction toward awareness and acceptance.

“The lack of role models for LGBTQ kids has been overwhelming and for him to come out and talk to kids will help,” Fearing said. “It is about encouraging a conversation that goes beyond just that individual and their coming out, and being a better member of society and understanding that LGBTQ people are everywhere.”

JDIVERON@DemocratandChronicle.com

Nate Novosel

Age: 25.

Hometown: Lexington, Kentucky.

Occupation: Works for Teach For America in Washington, D.C., as a recruitment associate for its Military Veterans Initiative.

Rochester connection: The 6-foot-5 Novosel was a power forward, four-year starter and two-year captain for the University of Rochester basketball team from 2008-2012. He was the UAA Rookie of the Year in 2009 and earned first-team all-league honors as a junior and second-team honors as a sophomore and senior.

Where he ranks: Second all-time at UR in field-goal percentage (.588), seventh in blocks (82), eighth in free throws made (303), ninth in FT attempted (402), 11th in scoring (1,197 points).