• Wednesday, January 3 10:28 a.m. A camouflaged and yet somehow fully visible hunter limped around in a field near lower E Street. The wobbly sportsman was closer than the required 300 foot buffer as he blasted away at area animals going about their morning.

10:43 a.m. By bike and car and if they had them, planes, trains and gyrocopters, the drug-hungry customers circle the neighborhood on Poplar Drive, headed for the house where chemical refreshments are sold.

10:57 a.m. Someone walking near the confluence of Trails 3 and 9 in the Community Forest couldn’t help but notice a man doing karate atop a log, entertaining an audience of dogs.

11:09 a.m. Poplar Drive, increasingly a parking lot for inconsiderate multi-modal dope fiends, was where the driveway of a lady who had a doctor’s appointment was blocked, preventing her departure.

11:11 a.m. The traffic lights at Samoa and G Street went libertarian, flashing green on all sides to indicate that drivers could proceed as they wished, unfettered by any government control or direction. Caltrans was called in to squash the populist uprising.

12:47 p.m. A surly standarounder required a three-story building to help him remain vertical at Ninth and G streets. Leaning against a wall, the coarse coin cadger targeted women as he importuned passersby for the content of their pockets, and even their wallets. When the gallantry-challenged galoot started following the passing damsels, police were called.

1:18 a.m. A traveling troubadour closed in on the Plaza, playing his loud, electric-style guitar through an amplifier strapped to his back.

3 p.m. A responsible drunk staggered over to the police station to ask to be evaluated for public drunkenness. Between the non-sensible utterances, slurred speech and alcohol stench roiling off them, the eval came back positive and the 647f-er was arrested.

3:10 p.m. A driveway-blocked Poplar Avenue resident called in about the egress-preventing car out front.

3:52 p.m. A Sable Akita with a muzzle on was reported wandering a Sunny Brae supermarket’s parking lot.

3:54 p.m. A brown and black dog wearing a muzzle was reported running in and out of traffic at Bayside Road and Beith Court.

4:07 p.m. Valley West not reporting any passerby-harassment incidents so far on this day, two bus-stop bully boys dutifully stepped up to address the shortage.

9:14 p.m. A Uniontown supermarket reported a man with groceries stuffed in his jacket guided by a glowing, all-seeing third eye as he walked away from the store. Oh wait, that was just a headlamp of the kind one normally wears while shopping.

9:47 p.m. A woman who’d both shoplifted and written bad checks at a Uniontown supermarket was brazenly back for more free-form fraudulation. Store officials asked police to move her along, and it was done.

10:59 p.m. When a lingerer was asked to move along from a Uniontown supermarket, he responded by saying he wanted to kill himself and told someone to call 911. He then waited by the handicapped carts inside the store for police to arrive and arrest him for public drunkenness.

• Thursday, January 4 1:13 a.m. A quartet of campers set up in front of the Uniontown supermarket, smoking unwantedly. They were moved along.

10:36 a.m. The Community Forest 14th Street parking lot is always an adventure, never more so than when a long-haired dog owner pulls his van up super-close to your car and starts going about making others uncomfortable. When the close proximity of his van to a woman’s car was pointed out, he responded with an apology and immediate relocation of his van… not at all. He actually just ignored her and rudely turned up his so-called music to brain-blasting levels.

3:23 p.m. A man wrapped in a blanket coughed and slept in the middle of the disused train tracks near 11th Street until kids started throwing things at him.

• Friday, January 5 12:30 a.m. A woman carrying multiple bags strolled down Alliance Road, spouting nonsensical obscenities.

1:23 a.m. A man near an I Street store’s ice machine was yelling so loudly an employee was worried he’d shatter a window, not to mention any ice sculpture in that area.

2:35 a.m. A man in a field near Creamery Alley yelled out in the darkness.

5:28 a.m. A man argued with himself at Eighth and G streets.

5:59 a.m. A man in a foot cast and crutches showed up at an O Street business soaking wet, saying his girlfriend had beat him up, though she apparently failed to dry him off.

7:37 a.m. A man camped near the old phone company building on G Street partly in a sleeping bag, and with his pants down.

9:42 a.m. A man with red hair and a goatee undertook a yelling campaign out front of a Uniontown supermarket.

10:14 a.m. A he-she breakfast-drinking team refused a request to clear the doorway of an H Street business, proposing yelling as an interim alternative. One or both were arrested for public drunkenness.

10:32 a.m. A man wearing a respiration mask lingered by the bike racks outside the hospital’s side door, yelling at nurses.

1:53 p.m. A guest at a Valley West motel experimented with different methods for punching holes in the walls. First verifying that his foot would do the job, he next utilized an object of some sort towards the same end.

2:13 p.m. A woman walked into an I Street home to threaten a man who’d been sleeping. Her purpose, she said, was to locate a friend of his.

2:38 p.m. When two houseguests became too rowdy, a Zehndner Avenue resident booked a hotel room for them. This attempt to isolate their furies at a safe remove enraged the rambunctious visitors, who took their revenge for providing them accommodations by stealing his bike.

4:55 p.m. Mystery surrounds the yellingman on Stewart Avenue – who was the target of his bellowings? Was it a nearby woman, a passerby or others in the area?

5:49 p.m. A 12th Street resident said his theoretically restraining-ordered ex-wife had jumped the fence and ransacked his house. She then got into his truck and passed out.

• Saturday, January 6 12:42 p.m. A Samoa Boulevard resident grew weary of the Bickersons doing their thing so loudly next door, yelling and fighting and won’t you people give it a rest?

10:54 p.m. As eight citizens suffered irreversible retinal scarring at the sight of a man taking a whiz at the City Hall bus stop, right across the street from the public restroom. He was arrested.

12:05 p.m. Police were asked to disperse a clump of cannabis smokers from beside a downtown business. When police arrived, they had come and gone like the evanescent whiffs of pot smoke that punctuate any downtown stroll.

• Sunday, January 7 9:31 a.m. A man wept inside an Alliance Road store, fearing for his life. He said some people were going to take him into the redwood forest and kill him. His death-sentence offense? “Being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

10:46 a.m. A woman trying to help an impaired man reported that after he had wet himself, she got him into clean clothes. Another woman, she said, burned her hands after setting cardboard on fire on the Plaza.















