KIEV (The Borowitz Report)—A surprise appearance by the actor John Travolta today in Kiev’s Independence Square has further confused the situation in Ukraine, witnesses on the ground report.

According to several accounts, Mr. Travolta flew to Ukraine in his self-piloted private jet in the hopes of raising morale in the embattled country, but only served to perplex Ukrainians with a brief but indecipherable speech.

In his remarks, Mr. Travolta referred to Ukraine as “Cranium” and Crimea as “IKEA” before hopping back into his cockpit and flying away.

The speech rattled the nerves of the Ukrainians who heard it, according to reports. In the words of one witness: “We are no longer sure what country we are living in.”

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Photograph by Jonathan Wood/Getty.