THAT’S MY RESTAURANT. MY NAME IS TOM!

Owning a successful restaurant, I’m always asked the same questions about what brings in customers: Is it a signature dish? An inviting decor? Or perhaps a famous chef? My answers are always the same: no, definitely not, and sorry, I have a two question maximum. Owning a successful restaurant is easy if you follow my simple tips below, work as hard as you can, and have your restaurant’s exterior featured on the most famous television show in history, Seinfeld. I’m Tom Sanders, owner of Tom’s Restaurant AKA Monk’s Café from Seinfeld, and these are my quick tips for owning a hit restaurant!

1. Say Yes! A profitable restaurant can’t rely on one individual, so say yes when staff members offer suggestions, or when customers bring up possible new menu items, or when powerful TV executives ask to use your restaurant’s facade as a key setting in the sitcom that will be on television, and will bring in fans and customers, until the end of human history.

2. Location, Location, Location! It may sound cliché, but a restaurant’s location truly is crucial for success. You need to select an area with a high amount of foot traffic, specifically the foot traffic of location scouts for television networks looking to film arguably the greatest television series ever, preferably Seinfeld.

3. The Name! Too many restaurateurs opt for fancy sounding names to lure in a sophisticated crowd. I’ve always said simpler is better. Also, it helps to have the word “Restaurant” in your name so a quick glance or a one second establishing shot is enough to inform any passersby or viewers the context of your building and the following meal or memorable and constantly quoted television scene.

4. The Decor! Don’t go crazy with the interior decorations. After all, a restaurant should truly be about the food and the story arcs, shouldn’t it? A utilitarian and minimalistic approach should be taken. As long as the restaurant reads as a feasibly good, clean spot to grab a meal with your balding, stocky friend, your zany, lanky friend, your mousy, girly friend, and maybe a mailman, you’re all set!

5. The Food! The food doesn’t matter as long as Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld give the okay to put your restaurant in their show. I currently charge $35 for toast (unbuttered and cold) and the chance to say you ate at the restaurant from Seinfeld. That’s the only item I have on my menu and I drive a Ferrari with leather seats!

That’s really all there is to owning a successful restaurant! Some may think, “Sure, these tips worked for you Tom, but you’re a special case!” Well what I have to say to those people is, “No soup for you!” Hahaha. That’s from Seinfeld, just like my restaurant.