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Britain is preparing itself for almost 100% migration following the news that it does after all have poisonous spiders, the only reason that people live here as opposed to somewhere nice and hot.

It’s thought that the influx of false widow spiders is so widespread that every house will have one somewhere and most people will have one somewhere under their bed. Generally they only attack in the dark, but even in the day time they can scramble out of nowhere and attack without warning, so it’s important to be vigilant and remember to speak in a deep manly voice as they’re naturally attracted to mincing.

One delegate at the Labour party conference in Brighton told us that having just heard the news he would be immediately quitting British politics and moving to sunnier climes. “I’ve had to sit hear all day listening to posh pretend leftie Eddie ‘dogshit’ Miliband wittering on about how he’s going to make energy companies freeze their bills when he clearly isn’t and all the time I’m thinking it can’t be that bad, at at least I won’t get bitten by a poisonous bitey spider. And now I find out I might be after all and it could happen at any time. Well bollocks to it. I’m taking my arachnophobia to somewhere with a nice beach and palm trees.

“Turns out the bloody things been in the country for 100 odd years. That’s four generations of my family that lived in fucking Basingstoke when we could have been living on a desert island drinking lilt. Or something.”

David Cameron has promised that organisation of any mass migration will be in safe hands under the coalition. “We’re all in this together. So I’ll be going on ahead with my banking mates to find a nice beach somewhere.”