Former UN Secretary General Joe Biden, who once singlehandedly made up a story about wrestling the bear who killed his entire clan, vowed to pick a woman as his vice presidential partner to follow him into a humiliating defeat in the general election.

According to Biden, who once raced Hillary while under fire at an airport in Yugoslavia, the qualities he's seeking in a running mate are someone who is a highly qualified transgender Muslim woman of color with great smelling hair.

Sources in the Biden campaign says that he wants a running mate who complements his own policy experience and whose shoulders he can creepily rub while nuzzling her ear during press conferences.

Biden has allegedly narrowed down his running mate preferences to three different types of shampoos and a highly qualified professional woman he can quietly whisper "mommy" to during press availability events.

Anyone Biden picks can expect national prominence for a number of months followed by a lifelong trauma and scars that will last forever. .