SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of the vehicle, stopping at red lights, and braking for pedestrians,” said CEO Jeff Bezos, noting that by allowing drivers to wildly careen down the street flinging packages at doors as they whizzed by, they could increase savings which would then be passed onto consumers. “We looked into a number of cost-saving methods, including injecting a neurotoxin into drivers and only giving them the antidote if they completed all of their deliveries in an hour. However, requiring drivers to weave between vehicles at top speeds as they hang on for dear life was far more feasible.” Bezos added that the company would be further incentivizing drivers by rewarding those who delivered the most packages with $100 towards all resulting medical expenses.

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