A lot of men tell me I’m “not like other girls.” And they’re right; I’m not. Some girls get free tequila shots and go home with a hottie’s phone number every Friday night. They show off their belly buttons and fearlessly grind on dudes at the club. I’m not like that because I am actually much, much worse.

When I say I’m “not like them,” I mean I’m a fucking monster.

You might be thinking, “Well, what kind of girl is she?” I love being naked, but only when I have my period (NO tampon obviously!). I am very smart, but one time I had an MRI and they told me I have a “bad brain.” I hate sports, but not because I don’t get them – because I won them all and now they bore me. While a lot of girls say they are unique, trust me: I am your worst fucking nightmare.

Unfortunately, over a third of women deal with sexism in the workplace. I work in finance, and a lot of guys hit on me at work. But I’m not the type of girl who would just shrug it off, or even the type of girl who would report it. I’m not like other girls at all. Whenever a co-worker comes over to my desk and says, “You’re a special girl, we should get a drink sometime,” I respond by letting him know, “I am special, because every time a man looks directly at me, he dies instantly.” Then I quickly inject the man with an untraceable poison and scream, “Oh my God, I think Steve’s having a heart attack!” In the end, you’re right, I’m not like other girls! I am here to fucking ruin you.

While some hot girls are sexting guys, and other quirky girls just don’t “get” why we’re addicted to phones, I am standing outside your house at 4am screaming, “HEY HOW R U? BUMP” until you come down and yell, “You’re waking up the whole block!” Why am I doing this? Cause I’m a fucked up bitch, and you were right on our first date: You have NEVER met anyone like me, and you never will again because you just looked at me directly in the eyes. Sorry ­– I’m just being me!

So next time you’re on a date with me, and are thinking about dropping this line, telling me how unique I am, just remember – I know I’m not like the others and I know no one has ever met anyone like me. I am one-of-a-kind. I was born on an avalanche, I came out with abs, and I’m here to fucking destroy you and your family.