There was a widespread outpouring of grief across the world today as it emerged that Black Eyed Peas front man will.i.am sadly didn’t pass away some time last night. The news of will.i.am’s continued existence broke after the singer was discovered to be still alive following a media appearance in which he was spouting some nonsense or other most likely about himself.

“His mouth was moving and he was talking about himself at length,” described a tearful witness who compared will.i.am’s living as like John Lennon and John F. Kennedy being shot multiplied by two. “It’s the saddest thing for a person to go through when you know that the world hasn’t lost a self obsessed dickbag forever. I’ll always remember where I was when I heard the news of his still being alive.”

It has been reported that the singer is tragically still breathing and may hang on living healthily for some years to come, a fact which has been met with grief and sadness by everyone who has to share this brief space of time with the geometrically haired attention seeker.

Described as a “virtuoso for silly haircuts, crap music and cringe worthy publicity antics” the performer, seen here using his hands to indicate how big of a cunt he is, is believed to have been spotted still breathing in a New York nightclub at 4am local time ensuring that the world of garish throwaway pop still has a self appointed cretin as an icon.

“You wake up every day thinking to yourself ‘hopefully today is the day that will.i.am’ dies,” wept one man who says that will.i.am’s butchery of English language conventions in the way he egotistically changed his name into a self promoting statement of his own existence is just one of the aspects of will.i.am that he feels warrants him not living anymore.

“Unfortunately though, today isn’t that day. My hopes and prayers are with everyone at what is an emotionally testing time for anyone who has experienced the profound sadness that comes with every second will.i.am continues to exist.”

“Nobody should have to go through this,” he said struggling manfully to hold back salty tears of will.i.am hate-sorrow. “The people need to do the only humane thing and mercy kill will.i.am before it’s too late.”

“Normally I’m anti-cancer and AIDS,” he concluded, weeping, “but if there was a fight between will.i.am and a cancer and AIDs tag team I’d choose the lesser of two evils and root for the devastating illnesses.”