Survivor: Island of the Idols has arrived! Every week, Parade.com’s Mike Bloom will bring you interviews with the castaway most recently voted off of the island.

It was clear from the jump in my preseason talk with Karishma Patel that she was hoping to find herself, along with the million-dollar prize to boot. “Nobody, myself included, knows me entirely,” she told me. Both the players and fans were indeed able to get to know Karishma over her 32 days in the game, as she dodged several sticky situations to make it to the final eight. In the end, the trial lawyer was barred from continuing in the game, swinging to the jury like a record-breaking wrecking ball.

In Karishma’s first confessional, she encouraged herself to be cool and calm. Unfortunately, that went out the window for her when the game began. As the first Indian-American Survivor contestant, she felt uncomfortable with the cultural bridge between her and the others. Coupled with getting targeted due to her challenge performances, her first days, much like a wayward machete, cut her right to the bone. She was able to hang on, though, as the majority alliance sought bigger targets and felt they could use her as a reliable vote. But at the swap, she was quick to cut ties with her old tribe, feeling they mistreated her. Her new loyalties got her to the merge, though it was alongside Dean Kowalski, who made his feelings about her clear.

The merge made Karishma happier than a half-price menu at Applebee’s. But soon, she was on the bottom once more. She vowed not to become the goat she was being perceived as, finding an idol to make the point. With safety in her pocket, she made it clear to Missy Byrd she was not in her back pocket. A split Tribal Council took her from easy vote to swing vote, and though she didn’t have a watch, she made Missy know her time was up. She staved off elimination once more when she shocked the tribe by playing her idol. After the loved ones challenge broke Noura Salman’s heart, it seemed Karishma would finally be on top, as a new alliance began to assemble. But mistrust between Noura and Dean came to a head at Tribal Council, where ultimately the ladder of chaos that Karishma built for an entire month collapsed.

Now out of the game, Karishma talks with Parade about her perspective of her last Tribal Council, the defense mechanism she used from the beginning of the game, and what her time on Survivor made her realize about her current life.

Tribal Council brought out into a chaotic frenzy of whispering. After all that, were you surprised you got voted out?

I was not surprised, Mike. (Laughs.) You don’t see a slight bit of shock on my face when it happened. Frankly speaking, I was ready since Week 2. I would have never been blindsided! (Laughs.) I would have always expected it. But I didn’t expect things to change. While I expected it to be me after all that craziness happened, going into Tribal Council, I thought the alliance between me, Dean, Elaine, and Noura was going to be successful.

As I just mentioned, everyone seemed to be whispering and moving around during Tribal. It seemed though like you decided to stay put and chime in a couple of key times. What made you decide to do that?

Well, you heard me say it before, and I’ll say it time and time again: Chaos is a ladder. (Laughs.) Noura was digging her own grave. I made the choice to sit there and let that happen. The more and more she tried to explain herself, the more reasons she was giving everyone there not to believe her. A lot of things she was saying made no sense; they weren’t logical. They aired me saying, “Use logic,” one time, but I probably said it many, many times. I said out loud, “I’m voting for Noura. She’s the one who needs to go home. This is unacceptable. She wasn’t going to work with you. Now she doesn’t want to work with anybody!” I wanted to allow chaos erupt and allow others to dig their own grave so nobody would even consider me. A new plan had to be hatched.

By then, we were at the point where there was not a single thing I could do that would have been beneficial. By Day 32, I could have woken up in the middle of the night, and everyone would then wake up and find something wrong. It was groupthink, a mob mentality. A decision had already been made. Had I gotten up in the middle of things and tried to insert myself into conversations, it may have moved the spotlight and have everyone say, “Wait, everybody. We hate Karishma, remember?!” I was hoping the light would stay on Noura. I actually thought Noura would be voted out. But always be prepared.

Speaking of Noura, she seemed steamed at the group who did not choose her for the loved one’s reward, and we see her tear into them back and camp before offering to vote with you all. What was that afternoon like after the Reward Challenge?

We got back to camp, and it was almost immediate. Noura took the stage and went on a complete tirade about how she’s done with them; she knows her place; she wants to work with us. She talked about how Dan treated her during the challenge, which I think we saw some glimpses of when she fell. In Noura World, that was all valid at the time. She was emotional, and I even said, “When people are emotional, they tend to tell the truth.” That’s just human nature. In Noura World, that was the truth.

The more it went on, Dean, Elaine, and I were evaluating whether the three of us could believe it. And it went on for a while. That idol hunt went on for hours and hours. We split up in groups of two or three. I went out with Dean for an hour or two. During those little outings, we were able to have individual conversations. And they all came down to the same thing: Can we trust Noura? Is the two-hour rant enough for us to put our games in her hands? If the four of us were solid and could trust each other, that could be a great move, including for Noura.

Survivor Strategy 101: When you’re talking with somebody or evaluating somebody, you have to understand what is best for that person. What is in their best interest? In this case, working with us was, in fact, in her best interest. She was at the bottom of the Vokai people. She didn’t see it, but we were all seeing that there was the Vokai four and there was Noura. In her world, I think she was honest and 100% in it. Then there were little things like hearing Dean say, “You’re the one I’m worried about” or not understanding the plan and having to go over it over and over again. I’ll give her credit that she saw Dean talk to Tommy at Tribal, and all that put together made her say, “[expletive] this. Let’s throw a bomb. It’s Noura World; I own all the bombs that exist in Noura World.” (Laughs.)

That moment was a very human reaction. She felt betrayed and confused, and that’s just what happened. But can I be honest? That day was okay. That was a better day for me. I saw my path to the end for the first time.

What was that end game plan?

I was definitely eyeing Dean for the end game. I knew certain people felt Dean had no agency in the game; it was all bark, no bite. I was completely self-aware. I knew exactly how I was being perceived. After the merge, it had become a strategy for me to be perceived as a goat because I had no choice. My plan was to create a perception of a goat because a goat is typically someone you don’t vote out. It seems like the definition of that has somehow changed this season.

But I also wanted to strategically create enough notches in my belt where at that final Tribal, I could appeal to what each of those jury members valued. Some of them value physicality; some value loyalty; some value idol plays. I think I did that okay; I made my way through that. But I also knew I had to be sitting next to the right people. Because if I’m sitting next to the wrong people, Karishma ain’t got no shot in hell. (Laughs.) And one of those people for me was Dean.

Speaking of Dean, you two gunned for each other throughout the premerge, only for you to finally go out when trying to work with him days later. What was your dynamic with him?

In the game, it was a rivalry at times. But it was always game-related and strategic. He never personally attacked me or went out of his way to put me down. So when something is game-related, then it can shift. If keeping me is good for his game, then it should shift. I was loyal on that day to Dean, to my own fault. I wanted to be his goat, and he be mine, and I would be able to plead my case.

We’ve seen several comments made about your work ethic at camp, to the point where Noura says, “She’s shown me she’s inconsistent, unworkable, ungrateful, and I have no interest in working with someone like that.” What was it like reconciling those strong feelings towards you during the game?

It’s really funny doing work around camp was where this all stemmed from. As I said, there was a decision made of “We don’t like Karishma.” So any reason to continue disliking me was used to validate it. There was a time when I was trying to tend the fire, and somebody snapped at me. They were really rude, saying, “You’re doing it wrong,” and somebody next to them laughed. But this is where the Karishma who doesn’t want to lose sight of herself kicks in.

I just said, “[expletive] it. I’m doing this for you, and you want to laugh at me and call me names within earshot of me?” Why would I continue clawing, scraping, and using my energy to help any of you when you’ve already made up your mind? I could bring back a thousand pieces of wood, but you’ve already made up your mind. It was never going to be enough. That’s when I started to change my strategy and say, “Let me be the person you want to sit next to you at the end. But I’m making sure I tell every person on the jury that I had agency of my game, and this was a conscious strategic decision I made. I ran with it! (Laughs.)

In your Ponderosa video, you say you put on a “security blanket” on Day 2 and never let anyone in. What was it that led to your discomfort throughout your time in the game?

It comes down to a combination of the way I was raised and my personality and defense mechanisms. In those first ten days, when I would feel like I’m unaccepted or left out, I protected and shielded myself from any further harm. I haven’t really talked about this before, but I was badly bullied as a child. I have held a lot of scars related to that, one of them being a significant fear of abandonment. What that led to was as soon as it was triggered, as soon as I got this feeling of being ostracized, I would put on a “security blanket,” or what a lot of people would call putting up a wall to protect my heart.

With that came this whole concept of “if Karishma felt bullied, she did it to herself.” I take responsibility for my own defense mechanisms. But it only happened because I was triggered. It’s a dangerous place to go for people to say, “If you’re bullied, it’s your fault for dressing funny or looking like that.” It’s difficult to point at the person who’s made to be inferior. Looking back at the season, particularly postmerge, you’ll see “Karishma is inferior” is a way of life.

Let’s take a step back and think about that for a second. That is so unacceptable. I may have felt discomfort from any cultural things or even differences in personality, age, or geography. At the end of the day, when you’re made to feel different, that has a scarring effect. All I can say is that I did feel left out, and one of my defense mechanisms was to step back and protect myself. But that’s only because I was treated pretty poorly.

How did that tie into your situation with Missy? It seemed like you two butted heads during that split vote, which led you to decide to vote her out ultimately.

That decision was multi-dimensional. For me, it was acknowledging Missy was a really, really good Survivor player. She had her path to the end mapped out, and that path was to drag me. Acknowledging that, I could see clearly that this wasn’t going to work for me or the type of game I want to play. I don’t want to make it to the Final Three that way. Strategically speaking, that was the right decision.

Missy and I had an alliance starting on Lairo. We called it BOT, “Bench of Trust,” and we would talk about Survivor on a bench in the middle of nowhere. But there would be times at camp where Missy would snap at me or say things that would make me question whether she was really putting on a facade so nobody could catch wind that we’re actually working together, or if she was blinded into the mob mentality. That scared me. I sat down and talked to Tommy, and I made the decision ten minutes before we went to Tribal. It was not an easy one; it appeared easy, but it was not easy. Tommy was a huge threat. Everyone loved him; he had a stronghold in the game with strong allegiances. But for me and my game, I would rather roll the dice on the chance of working with Tommy than continue down the path that had been muddied with Missy.

When we spoke preseason, you said you hoped to get to know yourself entirely and find your path in life. You also spoke in your final words about discovering what love means to you. Now that all is said and done, what has Survivor made you realize about yourself?

I know exactly who I am. I am proud of who I am, and I am loved for exactly who I am. The gift Survivor gave me was the powerful knowledge for the rest of my life that I have everything right now that I will ever need. That includes family, career, material things, spiritual things. I am so blessed, gifted, and supported. I don’t know what I did in my past life to deserve it. But damn if I don’t live every single day appreciating that. You can only really feel that when it’s all been taken away from you.

At the end of the day, it’s all about perspective. If you choose to be happy, you can be happy. That’s a really really important thing for people to know. Anybody who feels their marriage has gotten stale and needs a spark, tired of the same routine, there are better ways to fix that than going out onto Survivor. (Laughs.)