by americangirl » Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:07 pm

I wish I had just one obsession, but nearly every part of me I criticize and have been for years, including:My skin (color/pimples/freckles)forehead (too wide, but not broad enough)nose (too wide, not tall enough)lips (too thick, but not long enough)jawline (not strong at all)Shape of my face (unsymmetrical)My Hair (color mostly, I have spent THOUSANDS of dollars changing it at the salon and am only recently back to my natural color)Neck (not long enough)Shoulders (too broad)Hips (too wide)Legs (not long enough)Boobs/Butt (Not big enough)Arms (too skinny)Height (I'm 5'10.5/too Tall/not feminine)Overall Look of my Ethnicity (Because I'm biracial- white/asian- sometimes to some people I will look full WHITE, other times full ASIAN, other times ANOTHER ethnicity- this has consumed my life- different lighting, different angles, different makeup, different people can change my ethnicity which has caused me nearly to have a complete lost of identity)Eyes/Eye Lid (this comes from the being half asian part and uneven lids. UGH. It can change each morning and I can look like a different ethnicity each morning. WTF>)I obsess over these things equally, some are worse then others (I obsess about my nose, forehead, hair, eyes EVERY DAY of my life)...The ONLY thing that maybe I like about my appearance is my weight because I'm thin at 135 pounds, and my stomach...Out of all my features, only 2, BARELY two things. I compare my features to other girls by the INCH, and I'm extremely critical of other girls because if I'm not critical then they will be better then me, and this is how low my self-esteem has sunk.This is kind of related but I am 20 years old now, but a few years back I went to a modeling agency because the agent wanted to represent me and I considered modeling because I LOVE fashion, but obviously that wasn't going to happen because I loathe having my picture taken in uncontrolled circumstances and I was stopped by a fashion photographer on a vacation in Chicago. So even though I feel I'm insanely ugly, these little outside perspectives put things into place...if that makes sense..I'm become isolated from social activities, I've NEVER been to a club/bar (which I guess is normal since the age limit is 21), and NEVER had a boyfriend, only been on a few dates, I avoid social activities altogether unless there's my bestfriend to act as a crutch for me.I have only ONE good friend. ONE. And I'm in college. And she's a model, and I mentally attack myself each day because she is SO friggin beautiful. I feel like a really need that miracle medication to fix me, so I can start living my life, you know. Because from what i've heard 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life and I seriously don't want to let them pass...we only have one life..