WOLFSBURG, GERMANY – A heavily perspiring Matthias Müller, CEO of the Volkswagen AG Group, told the world’s press today that despite recent, growing scandals surrounding the performance of Volkswagen car engines, there was no need to rigorously re-test the many hundreds of huge turbines the company’s subsidiaries manufacture to serve as back up power to dozens of nuclear power plants across the world. Despite the fierce air conditioning in the briefing room at the company’s Wolfsburg HQ beads of salty sweat ran down his forehead and dripped off the end of his nose at regular intervals as he addressed reporters.

“Yes it is true that some of the engines we manufactured for commercial vehicles did not perform to the standard we said they did. This was dishonest of us and we have apologised and will face the consequences in the courts. Provided of course the courts are still standing and not just a pile of irradiated rubble and ash…” he said, pausing to exhale loudly and dab his already sodden handkerchief across his brow. “There is no reason to suspect however, that this unfortunate breach of corporate ethics has spread to the many and varied industrial engines we at Volkswagen AG Group make. All those engines are fine, the airplane engines, oil tanker engines, Petrochemical Tubular Reactor Systems and, of course, the vast back up generators we make that supply emergency power to nuclear reactors. All fine. No need for any root and branch rigorous re-testing. None at all.”

When it was put to him that no one in the room had asked him anything about that part of Volkswagen’s business Müller shrugged, revealing large damp patches on the fabric of his suit under the arms. He then began to laugh hysterically, shaking his head as a small amount of blood trickled out of his right ear.

“Is it just me or is it really hot in here? I mean, like really hot?” he managed to add before downing an entire litre bottle of sparkling water and dry heaving. Müller went on to question how the journalists were planning to get home, advising them to avoid the 18:45 Lufthansa flight from Wolfsburg to Paris as well as the 19:10 hi-speed train to Munich telling them instead to hire cars (ideally not Volkswagens) and drive where-ever they were going. When pressed as to why the drenched executive had this to say:

“Because Lower Saxony is just beautiful at this time of year, to drive around. Stunning. So beautiful in fact it makes you want to ring your family and tell them how much you love them and how you have decided to move them all to a remote island far away from any facility containing enriched uranium and prepare them for a devastating nuclear winter. Of course this is purely hypothetical, but the task of rebuilding civilization from the poisonous embers of a global nuclear catastrophe will be hard. You can be assured that scavenged parts from burnt out Volkswagen vehicles will be reliable, durable and most of all affordable. The door of a Golf for instance could be made into a crude plough, a shelter or a primitive spear to fend off the giant radioactive crabs that will no doubt invade the land…”

Müller then looked at his watch, cursed loudly, and ran from the room shouting something about his eldest son being about to board a diesel-powered, cross-channel ferry as part of a school trip. At the time of press sirens were heard in the distance, hundreds of sirens…