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The English Defence League have declared war on each other as the last few days of scorching weather have resulted in their own members looking from a distance like they might come from Spain, Italy or Portugal. This mornings march reportedly descended into violence after each protester mistakenly believed that the group had been taken over by foreigners.

One angry protester told us of his horror when he found himself to be the only English person on the march. “I couldn’t believe it. Coming over here, taking over our knee jerk racist organisations, I don’t know where they get off quite frankly. Some of them even look like my friends, except foreign. They even know my name. So the sooner we get them out the better.”

The hapless eruption of misguided mutual racial abuse is said to have spilt out into a local shopping mall, culminating in a grand show down in a mirror shop. “I should have banned them from my shop years ago” the manager told us, “it’s bad enough when they think they’ve found their long lost brother, but now they see their own tanned reflection and start shouting at the mirror to fuck off back to it’s own country.”

Former British Nationalist Party leader Nicholas Griffin criticised the extent of press coverage the situation has received country wide. “We mistake each other for immigrants every summer and half the time manage to deport ourselves by force. But oh no, everybody wants to run around after a fly by night flash in the pan trendy racist organisation. We were shouting at mirrors when they were still in short trousers.”

Nigel Fararage leader of slightly less racially prejudiced group UKIP has urged for calm amongst intolerant people throughout Britain. “If someone has a tan, it doesn’t necessarily make them Johnny foreigner. Genuine foreigners will usually be wearing a big hat and brandishing maracas” he explained.