A Catalogue of Imaginary Girlfriends

1. The barista, bar or wait staff you swap smiles and greetings with who reduces you to a bumbling, blushing mess on a near-daily basis. She knows.

2. The one you make out with intensely at drunken parties about twice a year but never follow up fast enough to make something more of it.

3. The one you see in the gym maybe two out of five visits, running endlessly on the treadmill in front of yours, and you imagine she’s sweating because she can hear your furiously beamed psychic assessment of her perfect shoulder blades.

4. The gym front desk staff member who has always known your name and gets hormone pimples on the same days as you. I know, right? I’m not sure I’m ready for this level of commitment.

5. The one you left your actual girlfriend for, only to realise out she wasn’t your girlfriend.

6. The straight girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency.

7. The straight girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency, only you lived in the same house with no other roommates and sometimes even slept in the same bed. (Note: remember to include in “catalogue of imaginary wives” list.)

8. The straight girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency – who married a man, and you smiled all through the wedding then got outrageously drunk and insisted on peeing in a bush on the way home.

9. The straight (?) girl whom you never dared contemplate sexually but whom you worshipped and served for months to years in a lopsided BFF dependency – who never married anybody, and you sometimes wonder if she’s waiting for you.

10. The one you took on a couple of non-romantic outings, then drunkenly made out with, and the next day she turned up at your house with an overnight bag, cheerfully prepared to talk about international holidays together. This one’s not in your imagination, unfortunately.

11. The one who seemed so solid, dependable and eternal but evaporated overnight after a series of ghastly mistakes (yours.)

12. The ghost of girlfriend past (crying.)

13. The ghost of girlfriend present (long-distance relationship.)

14. The ghost of girlfriend present, variant the first (emotionally long-distance relationship.)

15. The ghost of girlfriend present, variant the second (affair.)

16. The ghost of girlfriend future (masturbation.)

17. The one you were thoroughly infatuated with all through high school and still have to pretend nonchalance over whenever her name crops up in conversation.

18. The neighbour from an apartment in the same building whom you see only really rarely, but whenever you do it’s inevitably as you receive yet another volley in the passive-aggressive note war every resident has with The Guy In Number Four, and the two of you share a conspiratorial eyeroll. Later, you imagine picking out baby names together.

19. Celebrities. (Darling, no; don’t try to tell me you don’t talk to Kristen Bell in your head every day. It’s okay. Please don’t ask me about Kristen Stewart or Kirsten Dunst. Any woman starting with K, really. Let’s just quietly file this one and move on.)

20. The one who takes your order at the local Thai delivery joint and never judges you for ordering two desserts; in fact, she’s been known to throw them in for free if you don’t order them, and draws smiley faces on the lids. Enabler.

21. The one who put your heart through a mortar and pestle-style crushing and whom you really don’t want to be involved with, but who just can’t seem to stop calling, texting, emailing or accosting you at unavoidable mutual social engagements.

22. The same one as above, but you keep getting drunk and being the first to make contact.

23. The same one as above, but you’re on the other side. Oh, wow. Stop that.

24. The one you thought you were dating but it turns out it was just, like, this super-casual thing and she would never have done it if she knew you had so many feelings.

25. The one that was very definitely a super-casual thing but then she made breakfast and now everybody’s super-confused so you never called back.

26. Your therapist. She can’t shout back, it’s kind of amazing.

27. The one that’s actually an inanimate object or abstract concept that you used to be “in a relationship with” on Facebook, until they stopped letting you do that. You found Oreos Crushed In Ice Cream to be a pretty supportive partner.

28. The one you know is out there for you, somewhere, and is actually just yourself but maybe with slightly less rad hair so you don’t end up even more insecure.