My fellow Americans: I feel like I need to say this.

A lot of you are angry. You’re concerned about what’s going on right now, and you’re worried about the future. You’re disgusted by the actions of your political opponents, and you feel hope and anticipation whenever there’s the slightest possibility that their goals will be thwarted. You’re filled with dread when they’re winning, and you’re lifted into paroxysms of joyous schadenfreude when they fail.

Good news: Those feelings are all you need! If there was ever a time in American history when it was worthwhile to pay attention to facts and evidence, those days are over. Thanks to the cutting-edge technology of the early 21st century, choosing to go with your gut has never been easier or more effective. Name the outrage, and you’re just a click away from the corresponding mob.

But let’s back up for a minute. Let’s say, just for the purposes of example, that you really wanted Hillary Clinton to be elected president in 2016. You didn’t care what anybody said about her, because that just proved they were terrified of a strong, independent woman who blazed a trail through American history by marrying a guy who later got elected president. You were devastated when she lost because it confirmed your belief that this country hates women.* The pussy-grabber defeated the pussy-possessor, and it plunged you into despair. Nothing could ever be good again. The evil Republicans were well on the way to transforming America into The Handmaid’s Tale. All hope was lost.

Then, a ray of hope cut through the MAGA-shrouded gloom! Just when it looked like Orange Hitler was about to confirm his second(!) Supreme Court justice, a brave woman bravely stepped forward, anonymously, to kinda-sorta accuse Brett Kavanaugh of probably sexually assaulting her, at some point in the early 1980s, she’s pretty sure. Somewhere in… Maryland? That sounds right?

Then, this American heroine demanded to be heard, before spending a solid week making excuses for why she can’t testify.

Huzzah! America is saved!

Now the good guys are only gaining momentum. A second brave woman has bravely come forward with another brave allegation about Kavanaugh after she spent an entire week “carefully assessing her memories and consulting with her attorney.” Now this second accuser is almost positive that Kavanaugh, the guy whose Supreme Court nomination is staunchly opposed by anybody worth knowing, is also the guy who may or may not have done something bad to her at a college party 35 years ago. She’s not exactly sure what it was that he did, but it was definitely bad because it made her feel bad.

Never mind that nobody can seem to confirm Kavanaugh was even there. Can you prove he wasn’t there? Yeah, didn’t think so.

If you choose not to believe this savior of the republic just because she’s a woman and you hate women, keep in mind that she has the support of an anonymous classmate who wasn’t there, but is “100% sure” he heard a rumor about something like that happening:

Where did the corroborating witness get the information from? –@JDickerson “He remembers it from–he was in the same dorm .. and he remembers it clearly” –@JaneMayerNYer But did he see it? –@JDickerson “No. As I’ve said, he heard it from someone who was there.” –@JaneMayerNYer pic.twitter.com/h9dxDiPJeX — Norah O’Donnell🇺🇸 (@NorahODonnell) September 24, 2018

If you can’t trust the unnamed dude who didn’t see it happen, but is absolutely positive that he heard the scuttlebutt, who can you trust? Since when does a person need to witness something to be considered a witness?

You’d think that would be enough to end this, but the fight rages on because some of those disgusting fact-huggers on the Right** are trying to tell you these stories are unconvincing. They throw out terms like “rumor” and “hearsay” and “confirmation bias,” as if they’re negatives. They say you need to stop and look at the evidence, or the lack thereof, before jumping to any conclusions. They insist that you need to look at the facts instead of relying on your feelings.

That’s how scared they are!

Don’t listen to anybody who cautions you to slow down and reexamine your own biases. Ignore all their rhetoric about “McCarthyism” and “witch hunts” and “pitchforks and torches.” They’re just jealous that they don’t share your purity of faith. They’re apostates, and they must be destroyed.

Ya feel me?

*When Obama defeated Clinton for the Democratic nomination in 2008, that didn’t confirm your belief that America is misogynist. That’s because you’re not a racist.

**The Right? More like the Wrong!