I used to work as a project manager at this company. Real old school manufacturing company, hadn’t changed much in the last 30 years. Everyone still wore dress shirts/ties every single day. This place was a goddamn prison. Micromanagement, lazy employees, you name it, the place sucked.

Anyway, the VP of Quality Assurance set some bullshit “reduction goal” that if we hit it, they would throw the whole company a pizza party. Sounds great, right? Until my boss accidentally forwarded this email to me. Below is the VER BATIM email that one of the owners of the company sent to all of the supervisors. I redacted any identifying information. I would rather listen to Tex read the Harry Potter series out loud to me for the rest of my life than go back to this place.

Enjoy.

The Email

“Team,

Recently I put on the bulletin board the PPM reduction goal for 2016 was met! This was a great accomplishment. ABC Inc. had committed to providing a Pizza party to the company in the event we reached our goal and since we did ABC Inc. is excited to be providing a Pizza Party. Organizing the Pizza’s for your team will be the responsibility of the Manager and supervisor. They should determine how many people work for them and when they take their lunch break. Two pieces of a large pizza for each person will be purchased. Multiply the number of people by 2 and divide by 8 to get the number of large Pizza’s you need to order. Keep the toppings simple and common so most can enjoy such as cheese, pepperoni, or sausage. Order the Pizza’s from one of the companies below. I would order them in the morning or even the day before to give them time to fill the order. The supervisor or manager should pay for the Pizza’s. Write on the receipt your department, the person’s name (write clearly) to be reimbursed, and send it to me. I will review and approve the payment, send it to accounting for reimbursement. You should expect to be reimbursed by 3/17/17. If you do not get a check from ABC Inc. by that time please let me know. The weekend shift should have their Pizza party on 3/4/17.

Pizza party criteria:

1. Date is 3/1/17 for weekdays; Weekends is 3/4/17.

2. Manager or Supervisor pays for the Pizza

3. Manager/Supervisor determines number of Pizza’s to order (#people x 2 / 8)

4. Each person will be allowed two pieces of Pizza. Communicate this during your Monday morning meeting.

5. Selected companies: Domino’s, Costco, Sam’s club, Papa Johns, Little Caesars, Pizza Hut. No others allowed.

6. Types of Pizza are: cheese, pepperoni, sausage

7. Pizza’s will be delivered during their lunch time

8. Drinks will not be provided by the company

9. Receipts will have the department name and the person who paid the bill written on them and sent to XXXXXX.

10. Expect to see reimbursement by 3/17/17. Call XXXXX if you have not received your reimbursement check.

If you have any further questions please let me know.

Best regards,

XXXXXXX

V.P. Quality Assurance

ABC Inc.

XXX-XXX-XXXX”

-No joke, that’s a word for word email. Copied and pasted. Thought you’d get a kick out of it.

It’s emails like these that remind me why I started Barstool. It wasn’t to become rich and famous and have a net worth of 10 million on celebrity net worth. That was never the plan. I would have been happy making 50K a year doing something I liked. I just couldn’t imagine waking up and working at a place like this. Where even eating pizza turns into a miserable soul sucking experience. Like this is honestly the worst pizza party ever. Only 2 slices per person? The pizza has to be ordered from Dominos or some other trash place. And how about skimping on the drinks? What the fuck kind of pizza party doesn’t have drinks? And you know what the worst part of this party is? You know the bosses are gonna act like they this was Carnival. That everybody should be so thankful for this grand pizza party. That’s why I want every single employee of mine to read this. This is what 95% of jobs are like in the world. We may not be perfect but for the most part this is a fun place to be. You don’t wake up dreading Mondays. That’s all you can really ask for.