I was a child at home in Rotherham in the early 90s, living on a satisfying diet of Alphabites and Trio bars, when a family member returned from a trip to London. They had come back with exotic goodies from the food halls of Harvey Nichols and Harrods, and their stash of treats included space food (exciting and confusing as it was clearly from the future but tasted like shite), Mikado biscuits (now available everywhere) and a bag of Hershey's Kisses.

The bag of Kisses was open, and, not having experienced American milk chocolate before, I hoped and expected they'd be as sweet as their name. The next thing I remember is screaming and feeling pain shoot through my head as I somehow bit down the wrong way and closed my mouth hard onto the Kiss, pointy end upwards.

By the time the offending cuspate choccy had been replaced with a ball of cotton wool to soak up the blood, I had formed a new phobia. Now that Kisses are more widely available and I see them more often, I realise I'm still completely put off anything remotely Hershey. I didn't try another Kiss after the first one, and I've not tried any of the bars either (though I have been told I'm not really missing out).

A few years later, I arrived home from school, and Dad had my tea ready; toad in the hole, fresh from the oven. I stuck my fork into the massive Yorkshire pudding, and like a laser, hot oil shot out, somehow bypassing the lens of my specs and squirting straight into my eye. It was hot, not dangerously as it turned out, but I was gripped by worry for a moment as I was unable to see. How tragic to lose my sight at such a young age, I thought, and in such a ridiculous way. Some time later, and with the aid of a damp cloth, the drama was over and I cautiously carried on eating. Not had a toad in the hole since then, either. Years later I recall seeing an episode of The Simpsons where Homer poked himself in the eye with a hotdog, and asked Marge to call his work, as he wouldn't be able to go in. He had it easy.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents recently reported that in an average year around 400 people go to A&E for injuries suffered in connection with biscuits (including one woman who stabbed herself in the hand while trying to lever a Smartie off a gingerbread man). This led to the creation of the spoof British Biscuit Advisory Board to create a biscuit safety campaign for workplaces. A risk assessment questionnaire was duly sent to unsuspecting council workers and more than 400 people filled it in. Four councils were sufficiently worried by the lurking biscuit menace that they drew up guidelines to keep their workers safe.

An amusing and successful marketing stunt for Fox Biscuits, then, but what of those people genuinely injured in incidents involving biscuits? It's easy to say that common sense should suffice, and you'd think that with eating being such a necessary activity and with millions of years of evolution behind us it really shouldn't be that hazardous. Yet tongues are bitten in place of cheese, Toblerones, and slices of ham. Cheeks and chins are blistered from chapati sweat and hot tomatoes in panini. When asking others about their eating injuries, five or so people told me about teeth breaking on baguettes; perhaps suspiciously, all while in France.

Aside from the memories, I was not physically scarred from the incidents, unlike my friend Orla who still has a scar from an unfortunate clash with an apple pie when she was a child:



"I will point out at this stage that I did not, and do not, like any form of hot fruit dessert at all. But since they always smell so great, I ran to sniff it. Mum was holding the pot, straight from the oven, and I didn't quite stop my running momentum fast enough to approach tentatively, so I hit the scorching hot pot with my chin. What resulted was a split second of feeling my chin stick, then me recoiling in intense pain and screaming."

I believe this story should be told to all children, like the cautionary tales recounted to put you off playing on railway tracks. It also reminds us to be cautious around fast food apple pies too, which are famously as hot as lava despite the culture of corporate health and safety all the big franchises embrace.

In a spirit of healing and reconciliation with the more hazardous items in our grocery baskets, have you ever ended up in A&E as a result of eating or drinking something innocuous? Do you have a warning about a potentially dangerous food or method of eating or wish to spread your own paranoia following a chopstick injury or an incident involving a banana? Be honest now; there's surely not a person alive that hasn't at some point stabbed themselves in the eye with a teaspoon left in the mug or been on the wrong end of a biscuit.