This post contains spoilers for all the Riverdale episodes that have aired, including “Chapter Forty-Six: The Red Dahlia.”

Whether you’re a fan of Riverdale this season or remain undecided because of the Gargoyle King saga, one thing is for sure: season three has been more bonkers than any other season. (Fine, the other great moment we can probably all agree on is the flashback episode featuring the main cast as their parents.) With everything that’s happened so far, including the “deaths” that have shaken up the Riverdale twitterverse, the Black Hood drama from season two actually feels like a walk in the park along Sweetwater River.

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Here, the most ridiculous (and somewhat over-the-top) things that have happened on season three so far. Reading this while playing your own version of Gryphons & Gargoyles is not recommended.



1. Archie starred in his own version of The Revenant and almost died. While on the run from Hiram, which by itself is a ridiculous plot point (more on this later), Archie settles in a cute little cabin near the Canadian border with Vegas, the good boy. After being warned by a park ranger of recent bear sightings, Archie goes for a walk anyway and, naturally, gets attacked by a bear. The attack isn’t shown on screen, but Archie’s bloody injuries are.

The CW

Between episodes, fans imagined Riverdale without its star redhead when it looked like Archie wasn’t going to make it. He did, of course, return to Riverdale just a few days later, because I guess a near-death experience paired with hallucinations about his friends, Warden Norton, and killing himself can really put things in perspective.

2. Riverdale was quarantined for a hot second. OK, it was at least a month, but it would’ve been nice to see what it was like for Veronica and company to live in captivity. Between the mid-season finale (“Outbreak”), when the quarantine was announced, to the show’s return in early January (“No Exit”), when Archie had his bear attack, the confinement had mysteriously been lifted.

3. The Gargoyle King is…Tall Boy. Look, after the drawn out Black Hood mystery of season two, having Tall Boy be the Gargoyle King is a major disappointment. Sure, there could be another Gargoyle King out there, but there was barely a mention of the branched monster on “The Red Dahlia.” Is this chapter really over?

Tall Boy—that u? The CW

4. The Farm is still an afterthought and its leader Edgar Evernever has never shown his face. With all the teasing in the season two finale, courtesy of Polly, you’d think that The Farm would have a bigger presence in season three.

Katie Yu | The CW

Yes, we’ve seen *some* members at the Cooper house, they’ve been mentioned by Alice a few times, and Edgar’s daughter Evelyn is by far the most eerie character this season, but why hasn’t The Farm been given the attention it deserves? The wait should be over by now.

5. Joaquin died. No, some of us may never recover. There’s also something supremely twisted about bringing a good guy back only to have him die again. What was the point of having those gorgeous eyes in prison with Archie if not for the promise of a nice return to Riverdale and Kevin? Why did he have to die?

#JusticeforJoaquin. The CW

6. Penelope is running a brothel called The Maple Club. And she’s not even trying to keep a low profile! As revealed in “The Red Dahlia,” the business Penelope has long hinted at has actually been in operation. The question is, how does Nana Rose feel about all of this?

7. Juniper and Dagwood were held above a fire pit and never seen again. @EdgarEvernever and The Farm, can someone just post an Instagram or something to let us know they’re fine?

BBs, you good? The CW

8. A board game has caused teens to commit suicide. Sorry, “ascend.” Gryphons & Gargoyles—originally created by patients at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy as a means of therapy—has directly caused the deaths of Dilton Doiley and Ben Button. Ethel Muggs and a number of patients at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy were also on their way towards “ascension” before Betty pretended to be the Gryphon Queen and rescued them all.

9. Archie is (briefly) an alcoholic. His post-bear-attack return to Riverdale has been a rollercoaster. Varchie is no longer a thing, he didn’t even give the SATs a try, and he’s Kon-Mari’d his room so much that it looks like his former prison cell. I suppose he hits “rock bottom” in “The Red Dahlia” when even Reggie refuses to serve him at Veronica’s speakeasy (yeah, they’re selling alcohol to teens now). With the Fab Four being not so fab, Josie comes to the rescue, and practices the classic shower-with-clothes-on method on Archie to wake him up from this slump. Before you can say Fizzle Rocks or Jingle Jangle, Archie decides he wants to “jam” with Josie like the old days. (Though, Josie is quick to say he’s only permitted to do backup vocals because even she knows he’s not great as a lead singer. Love this girl.)

The CW

10. Hiram’s worst enemy is Archie and other teens. Even before he was released from prison, Hiram was built up to be this scary mob-like character, one who did dirty business with fellow mobsters from all over the world (ie., Quebec, home of the late Papa Poutine). It’s absurd that his hatred for his daughter’s boyfriend is so strong he frames Archie for actual murder, controls his prison life, and drives him out of town. With “The Red Dahlia” episode, their feud seems to be over. But this is Riverdale, so enjoy this moment of truce while it lasts.

11. Is Falice no more? With Alice filling up her days with The Farm and now a new reporter job for the local TV news station, it’s unlikely Falice will ever grace our screens again. This is a tragedy.

R.I.P. this relationship? The CW

12. Kevin is barely in season three. Seriously, the lack of Kevin scenes is just unfair. Give the people what they want! (More Kevin Keller.)

Peggy Truong Entertainment Writer Peggy is Cosmopolitan.com’s entertainment writer, specializing in Leonardo DiCaprio, This Is Us, and the royals.

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