In an effort to improve the schools’ honor and to condemn sinful behaviors, BYU has recently begun a series of radical adjustments to campus buildings and statues to remove references to beards, citing them as evils from a less enlightened time.

Among these changes the Heber J. Grant building has been renamed to The Dungeon, the JFSB has been renamed to the Gillette Mach 5 Building, and BYU has begun the process to rename itself “Joseph Smith University” in honor of the Church’s clean-shaven first prophet.

“Church leaders have never been perfect,” president Kevin J. Worthen told The Alternate Universe as he tore down a painting of Brigham Young in his office, “just because early church leaders had facial hair doesn’t mean they weren’t called by God. It just means that they were imperfect men who sinned — just like us.”

Course curriculum has also been changed to reflect the University’s values. All mentions of bearded historical figures like Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass have been struck from the American Heritage curriculum, a representative told us, adding that “these men just don’t represent the values that we want to instill in our students.”

“The hope is to let our students know that any amount of facial hair beyond a wispy mustache is sinful and indicative of larger underlying issues,” said Associate Dean of Students Nathan Ward, “you can’t prove that Jesus had a beard. If you ask me that’s just apostasy.”

“I heard that Judas Iscariot had a beard,” chimed in President Worthen, “coincidence? I don’t think so.”

