Emmeline May, the same woman who brought us the amazing tea and consent video that trended a few years back, has taken to Twitter to explain something about abuse which we all need to be aware of.

We all understand that grooming takes place, but many of us misunderstand the scale to which it happens.

It’s easy to hear the word grooming and assume that you’re talking about older men talking to children online.

But there is, in fact, much more to the issue of grooming. Not only does grooming happen among adults, but also, sexual predators don’t just groom their victim. They groom their friends, their family, even their co-workers, all to make everyone around them supporters of what they’re doing.




Emmeline explains this epidemic in a Twitter thread, writing: ‘What is not well understood is how sexual predators don’t just “groom” victims. They groom everyone around them that they need as supporters.’

[Thread] So I read this piece & what struck me is descriptions of what sounds like "grooming" by Weinstein...https://t.co/GQVe3N5elU — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

What is not well understood is how sexual predators don't just "groom" victims. They groom everyone around them that they need as supporters — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

The grooming behaviour can take many different forms, but all have the same aim; to get people to like you/support you. Or find you credible — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

Emmeline explains that for sexual predators to get away with their actions, they have to groom people to make sure they like and support them.

That’s why so many sexual predators are described as charming, nice guys by their friends, families, and the people they work with.

You only have to be just credible enough if victims you select have less power than you. Sometimes you only need to be kind, funny, charming — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

Sometimes it takes money, gifts, rewards, promises of shared power. Even threats (I made u, I can break u. Haha, jokes come to my yacht) — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

When a sexual predator is in a position of power, this becomes easier. They’re not just grooming people to like them, they’re making people think they need them – that they’ll benefit from the relationship.

It's now recognised in social care arenas that grooming of peers and not just victims happens in order to hide abuse of vulnerable people. — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

Recognised to the extent that there's training courses on how to spot it & identifing among professionals if these behaviours are in play — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

"Grooming" isn't just a thing adult perps to to child victims. It's behaviour seen in sexual predators to those around them too. — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

These techniques, Emmeline explains, not only allows predators to get away with their actions, but also works to discredit the accounts of victims.

It means they can get away with their crimes because "Jim? Nah, he's solid! He's funny! He bought me a car! He's a great guy! So generous!" — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

Of course just because we've been groomed to turn our heads away doesn't absolve us from looking away in the first place, if we suspected. — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

But it's worth remembering that we're as susceptible to being groomed as enablers as we are as victims and to try to see it when it happens. — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

And that great guy who's so funny & cool & generous but there's all these rumours & most your female friends avoid him? Maybe look again. — Emmeline May ??‍♀️ (@EmmelineMayRDPP) October 19, 2017

It’s amazing how something so patently true could also be something that you didn’t realise before.

We spoke to women last week whose friendship groups had maintained bonds with the men who sexually assaulted them, which plays in to exactly what Emmeline is discussing.

If a sexual predator creates a culture of love and respect from those around him (or her) then if someone does dare to make an accusation, they’re less likely to be taken seriously.

In Weinstein’s case we’re talking about power, money and career advancement, but in ‘normal’ people’s lives it can be much smaller than that, as simple as always getting the first round in or giving extremely generous presents.

Signs of grooming offering advice or understanding

buying gifts

giving the person excessive attention

using their professional position or reputation

taking them on trips, outings or holidays.

The point of Emmeline’s tweets is not to force you to question everyone you meet who is kind or generous. On a day-to-day basis we can enjoy kindness and generosity.

But, when someone makes an accusation of sexual assault, and the person they accuse is known to be extremely generous, flattering, and fits the profile of a groomer, perhaps rather than taking their reputation at face value and assuming that that person couldn’t possibly be guilty, it would be worth viewing their behaviours with this tendency in mind.

It might well be that the victim is not the only person who has been groomed.

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