J an. 20, 2017, the inaugural address of Donald John Trump Sr.:

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, Comrade Putin and my fellow white Americans:

We have many challenges ahead of us, beginning with the stock market, which as you know cratered the day after the election because, finally, the country woke up to how stupid President Obama is, and got scared. Now we have to dig ourselves out of what I will officially proclaim the Great Kenyan Recession, but don’t worry, I’ve got it under control. I’ve already put a team of Jews on it. And they are the BEST Jews, believe me, the ones with yarmulkes and those noses. What I’m saying is, I’ve only been president for seven minutes and the country is already getting great again.

Okay, lessee. I don’t really have prepared remarks here. I’m the first president since Millard Fillmore who doesn’t use a teleprompter, trust me. The point is, I want to congratulate you for electing me, which was very smart of you. Give yourselves a big hand.

Speaking of big hands, look at these babies. [Holds them up.] They’ll be big enough to do a lot of signing of executive orders, such as the first one that I’m going to sign just as soon as I get to my new home, which, by the way, is smaller than I’m used to. I’m used to homes where each bathroom has its own bathroom. With a bidet. I love bidets, let me tell you. It’s the next best thing to having your own personal butt kisser. Which I also have, by the way. And I pay him very, very well and he’s crazy about me.

(Illustration by Eric Shansby)

Where was I? Oh, my proclamations. The first one’s gonna be a doozy. The Statue of Liberty? We’re gonna give her bigger boobs.

Next, I am going to pardon Bernard Madoff. He’s not a bad guy, he just likes to play with debt, like I do. The point is, he’s a financial whiz, and my team of Jews needs him, and what’s good for the Jews is good for America. America first.

Oh, by the way, I have a personal message for you from Melania: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Next, I’m gonna build the wall to keep out the Mexican rapists and drug dealers, and China is gonna pay for it.

I know I said Mexico would, but it turns out they’ve been whiners about that. They’re all a bunch of bellyachers, which makes sense when you think about it, because of the crap they eat down there. It’s why every time we go to Mexico we get diarrhea! So the hell with them. I’m negotiating with China for the wall. The Chinese are crafty little folks — think about Pearl Harbor — but they know a good deal when they see it. All they want in return is a little computer access. Deal. Me and their president, Xi Ping-Pong, or whatever his name is, get along great. He’s a strong leader. I like how he shoots people in the head.

As you know, I have wasted no time assembling a Cabinet, and I particularly look forward to the confirmation hearings for secretaries Ventura, Busey, Nugent, Arpaio, Baio and Maio. By the way, attorney general nominee Chris Maio used to be Chris Christie, but he’s changing his name because I told him to. I like how it sounds with the two others, like Huey, Dewey and Louie! And I’m sorry surgeon general nominee Sheen couldn’t be here on account of his liver transplant.

Finally, we are going to repeal climate change. Executive order. It’s not happening, people, and that’s it.

I’m tired of all the quote-unquote scientists like Stephen Hawking who say [hunches down and imitates spastic movements] “the Earth, uh, uh, uh, is dyinnnng. ...”

Okay, we’re done here. Interested parties should call my office to bid on these now historic cufflinks. Oh, and my underpants.