WASHINGTON—Letting out a deep sigh while peering at the polished metal surface, Melania Trump confessed Wednesday that she wished she could look in the mirror just once without her own reflection turning away, a gust of wind blowing through the window, and every nearby door slamming shut. “All I want is to be able to check my makeup without awakening an ancient evil, causing the floorboards to shake and glasses of water to freeze solid,” said the first lady, lamenting the fact that since moving into the White House, she had constantly been faced with a barrage of demonic whispers coming from within the walls and a swarm of locusts that seemed to appear out of thin air. “Just the other day, I saw myself in a windowpane, and the sky immediately turned blood-red, several birds fell from the sky, and my reflection turned into a skeleton. It’s just so irritating—48 hours later and my ears still haven’t stopped ringing.” At press time, the first lady was nowhere to be found after she reportedly looked into a mirror, saw a fiery portal open up behind her, and was sucked in with a deafening scream.

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