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The Democrats already know the cause of their utter electoral humiliation: all those flyover people who had voted for Obama last time were actually racists who demonstrated their racism by not voting for the tired old white lady too.

Far be it for me to help out you terrible Democrat clowns by suggesting that your terrible party has a terrible problem and you might want to figure out how to fix it. Sure, Hillary did get a lot of votes. Maybe even a majority of votes. And, considering we are not a democracy but a constitutional republic, of equal relevance is the fact that I own a hat.

You lost. And it’s because you suck.

Now, you and rest of the unshaven she-beasts and spindly femboys could take this opportunity for reflection and introspection following the election instead of retreating to your campus safe spaces for vegan cookies and awkward hugs. You could try to figure out where you went wrong losing so many voters who you used to have sewn up. The idea is to figure out how you might be able to prevent similar results in the future. Some call it a “post-event analysis.” In the Army – for the goatee n’ scarf gang, that’s the one that fights on the ground – we call it an “after action review.” Coroners call it an “autopsy.”

And you’ll never, ever do it. Why? Because you are liberals and you already have your answers.

Everyone is racist.

Everyone is sexist.

Everyone is stupid.

Everyone but you, that is. You, the ones the racist, sexist, stupid people beat like a NFL player’s wife.

And speaking of the NFL, have you noticed how its own autopsy of its own dying ratings also seems to have a predetermined outcome, one that studiously avoids any unwelcome conclusions?

Oh, it’s too many ads.

Oh, it’s too many penalties.

Oh, it’s the election.

Anything missing? Anything significant to, say, the kind of people who used to like football? I dunno, maybe the NFL’s coddling of spoiled jerks who disrespect the flag?

Nah. I mean, what kind of uneducated, racist moron would object to some gratuitous flag hating?

Hmmm. Maybe the kind of people who aren’t watching the NFL anymore.

And maybe this might provide an insight for the Democrat Party. Maybe the answer might not be what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. Maybe some of those missing voters think there are more important things to do than ensuring our tax money gets spent dismembering babies, making heroes out of thugs who got themselves shot, or trying to ensure that grown men can pee freely among little girls.

Nah. If Americans outside the big blue cities don’t care about the social obsessions of aging hippies, indoctrinated millennials, and frigid feminists, then they’re wrong. You can probably fix everything by redoubling your efforts to show them how horrible they are.

Call them “racist” even louder.

Call them “sexist” even more shrilly.

Call in Lena Dunham and have her waddle out to rural Pennsylvania to explain why white men need to be exterminated. I’m sure that’ll win back those Trump-voting guys and gals. And when they start muttering “There’s not enough Rolling Rock in Pittsburgh,” it means they think she’s hot.

Plus, don’t forget to pay more unemployed deadbeats to march around waving Mexican flags and burning American ones. Normal people love that. The whole “#NotMyPresident”/”I hate the Electoral College yet still I saw Hamilton twice” thing is helpful too. Nothing like telling the rest of America “Heads we win/tails you lose.”

But, of course, why pretend to respect their opinions when you don’t respect their opinions. They like guns and America and Jesus, and frankly those things are, at best, embarrassing if not downright horrible. I mean, #Science, right?

Yeah, I played the #Science card. Case closed. Who needs to even talk to the idiots who are clearly too stupid to understand that their role is to rubberstamp the political manifestations of liberal fads and urban mysticism. I mean, some of those people work in fracking and just don’t understand that despite the ever-growing series of “This is it, we’re doomed, we really, really mean it this time” milestones falling back in society’s collective rear-view mirror, the weather obsessions of blue city neurotics are much, much more important than them feeding their families.

Because, of course, #Science.

No, you can’t identify and fix your cheesy party’s problems because your ridiculous ideology already compels your conclusions. Why bother assembling and analyzing the facts when you know what the answer will be, what it must be: racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and whatever other faux-phobias that come slinking out of academia to give you an excuse to hector and nag normal people.

When your whole party is based on virtue signaling, you don’t have a lot of options except more virtue signaling. So you’ll stick safety pins in your $600 sweaters, retweet your powerful hashtags, and unfriend anyone who doesn’t think exactly like all you nonconformist rebels. The more adventurous among you liberal bravehearts will courageously call for a California secession – well, my new novel previews how things will go for you without having any of those normal people you look down upon around to keep you fed and fueled and safe. Let’s just say it would go poorly.

And when you come back to report that the corpse of your party is alive and well and that rumors of the Democrat Party’s death have been greatly exaggerated, I’m going to smile, because you have 25 Senate seats up in 2018, many in red states, and the GOP needs just eight for a filibuster-proof majority. Go ahead, double down on what got you to this point, the point where I can drive from sea to shining sea without touching a patch of blue. You’re doin’ swell!

So enjoy your party’s fake autopsy – I know I will.