My sister recently showed me the Tinder game on her phone because I had no idea what it was. Turns out it’s a really boring game where you sort people. It got really gruelling after a while because there were only six types of guys I noticed and the levels take a really long time to beat. I don’t think I got past level one. Suffice it to say that I will probably not be getting this game for my phone, mostly because my phone cannot download games, or anything. Though I am curious how the female contingent looks. UPDATED: This is how the female contingent looks.

Anyway. Here are the six types of guys on Tinder.

6. Artsy Metropolitan

What He Says: “Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost~ Aristotle”

What That Means: I think I am the most profound person in the world. Do you know how many thoughts I have? So many thoughts. My brain sometimes says “I’m cold because you always leave your mind open!” But I simply cannot be closed-minded. Oh, my latte is here.

Why He’s On Tinder: He wants to show off his modelling portfolio and needs an audience to pontificate to.

5. Gangsta Bro



What He Says: “yo wat up bb instagram me @ dubstepguy420”

What That Means: …That is what it means.

Why He’s On Tinder: cuz y not man, more bishes 2 wheel bro. gonna hook up wit all of em to show my crew who is the real man.

4. Metal Guy

What He Says: ” \m/ livin’ the rock lifestyle man!”

What That Means: LOOK AT THIS GUITAR I CAN HOLD IT AND ALSO PLAY IT.

Why He’s On Tinder: He can’t find anyone br00tal enough in real life. He also would really like for you to come to his shows. Backstage, sidestage, front stage, anywhere within a 100 metre vicinity really. Bleeding Skeleton could use some fan support.

3. Mellow Spirit Wanderer

What He Says: “A job is a social construct I do not subscribe to. My “work” is traveling. Expand your world, man.”

What That Means: I have hooked up with a girl from every country I’ve been to; don’t expect me to stick around for longer than a night. Also, get ready to hear some far out stories about Nicaragua, man.

Why He’s On Tinder: He doesn’t like being tied down, man. He’s always on the move and exploring the world with some mysterious source of funds allocated somewhere, man. Everything is easy for him so dating might as well be too, man.

2. A Guy

What He Says: “I’m an easygoing, laid back, down to earth, nice guy”

What That Means: I am completely unremarkable in every way. I am interchangeable with any of my friends. I lack the ability to form original thought because I have never needed to. My first message to you WILL be “hi how are you” or if I’m feeling frisky, rebellious, and ~totally random~ “hi how are you lol”.

Why He’s On Tinder: Because everyone else is.

1. The Friendzoned

What He Says: “teh kitteh oh noez interwebz mah om nom nom”

What That Means: I am fully incapable of any sort of interaction with the outside world, much less the female gender. And it is YOUR FAULT, girls! y u no love me!!

Why He’s On Tinder: It’s a free repository of pictures of girls looking their most attractive. You figure it out.

Also A Bottle of Sriracha

What He (?) Says: “I am a bottle of sriracha”

What That Means: I am a bottle of sriracha

Why He’s(?) On Tinder: I have no idea why there is a bottle of sriracha on Tinder. But there is. Look out for it…it’s not to be trusted.