WASHINGTON—Indulging in a brief but blissful pause to imagine that normalcy would soon be returning, the nation on Wednesday allowed itself five precious minutes to believe that all of this would soon be over. “This Russia and Comey stuff is the tipping point—all this madness is going to be behind us in no time, and we can go about our lives like we used to,” said Tampa, FL resident Kelly Hinshaw, one of the 321 million Americans who granted themselves just a few moments to hold the opinion that it wouldn’t be long until everything was okay once more, in fact probably just a week or two. “I haven’t focused as much on work and my friends because I’ve been so wrapped up in awful political news. But I’m glad we’re turning the page on that stuff and that I’m going to be able to focus on other priorities again. I’m just so glad we made it through.” At press time, the populace of the United States could not fucking believe the notification that just showed up on their phones.

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