I suffer from a disorder called “Sleep Paralysis”. Sleep Paralysis is a disorder where the body is awake, but the mind is still asleep. The known medical terms for this disorder are “Vivid hallucinations” and the “Inability to speak or move”. It sounds so professional, when you say it like that “Inability to speak or move”. I often wonder if the doctors who wrote that ever tried to experience sleep paralysis. Look behind you… ‘Cus it is so much more, than just the inability to speak or move. It is real. It feels. Real. Every second of this “hallucination” is real. You never know you are dreaming, not until you wake up. My worst nightmare is… To never wake up.

I started to experience sleep paralysis when I was about 10. My parents were fighting all the time and I remember waking up at 02 am in the night by my mother screaming. I never knew if my father hit her, but I did wonder. Every day there was this weird aura around the house. Like everything had to be sad or aggressive. It was like this for years. So in other words I was pretty much terrified at night. I never wanted to go to sleep and I never wanted to sleep alone. But even though that my parents were fighting downstairs, I always slept with my door open. Because then I could see out in the hallways and down the stairs. Now it may be weird for you that I needed to see the hallway and the stairs. But. I really needed to.

My bedroom was on the first floor. My door led out to the hallway, and right across from my door was the bathroom. I liked my room. I had a closet with Harry Potter posters and a table with a computer. I liked to move things around, made the room feel like it was new every time. But my bed. My bed was never moved… ever. My bed was at the top left corner of my room. I had a lamp that stuck out from the wall and a nice little night stand beside it. You see if I laid at the exact right angle in my bed, I could look out the door and half way down the stairs. This again was… very important to me.

I remember my first sleep paralysis because it was always the same. I had it over and over again, almost every night.