ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

When seas that girt the Australian Stock Exchange begin to swirl, CommSec’s Tom Piotrowski is the familiar face that millions of people around the country turn to for reassurance.

Today, they didn’t get it.

Speaking to camera a short time ago from CommSec’s Sydney bureau, Tom took a deep breath and look down the camera.

“Everything’s totally fucking fucked, mate,” he said calmly but firmly.

“Big time.”

Tom went onto explain that things are mostly fucked because of external influences to our local markets so it’s not time to retreat to the panic room at the moment.

However, he did say investors are abandoning markets for alternative investments like cryptocurrencies and precious metals.

“If you’re concerned about this latest market downturn and the eventual collapse of society in general, now might be the time to invest in something a bit different,” he said.

Tom then bent over and picked up a late-model AK74.

“Not your typical investment but this is what we in-the-business call a Venezuelan credit card. Capable of 650 tap and go transactions a minute. You can use it in most places around Australia and it never gets declined. Food for thought,”

“I’m Tom Piotrowski, have a safe night everybody.”

The Advocate reached out to a number of private wealth management firms around town for comment but only received an unsolicated reply from Bell Potter Betoota.

As they’re the McDonalds’ of private wealth managers, our editor decided not to include their response in this article.

More to come.



