) about her recovery from dermatillomania, and she described an aspect of the therapy she did. She said that her picking was covering up deep emotional traumas that she hadn’t dealt with, and although I found some need for validation and self-judgment through my last blog, it seemed as though these things were existent, but at a more superficial level. What is lying deeper beneath these experiences? What is so painful that it is being ignored through picking, and then covered up under these self-limiting beliefs? Please read my last blog for context here, because I’m going to dive straight into some more self-forgiveness to dig deeper.

When I would look at all the people in my world as a child, I can see that I really liked them a lot. I really looked up to and admired most of the people that had an influence in my life, and it was very important to me that they like me too. But over time, I had developed this idea, perception and belief that they didn’t, and that they in fact dis-liked me. Now, don’t get me wrong here, there is a very fine line that must be walked where one does not fall onto the side of blame. I had a normal upbringing, where my parents came to my sports events and school plays, I had a circle of friends, and I always had someone that was ready to listen if I needed to talk. What I am looking at is my experience as a child – an experience developed from my own interpretations of events and play-outs, where I would have thoughts and imaginations that would create internal emotional experiences which I would then believe to be true and accurate. These were obviously not true and accurate, because if I had cross-referenced with the actual reality of the situation, I would have seen that my friends and family were extremely supportive and caring, and assisted and supported me to the absolute best of their ability consistently throughout my life. But, of course, I was young and I listened more to how I felt than what I saw around me. I also didn’t know any different and took for granted all the things my parents did, and the time and resources they put into me and my development. All this to say, I am not looking to place blame on any family member nor myself, that would lead to nowhere. What I am doing is taking self-responsibility for the experience I had created for myself, as a child, in innocence and within innocence because I didn’t understand what I was doing.

Looking back I see I was a very shy and frightened child. I have a significant memory of this experience of petrification of being exposed, or for people to see me, look at me, or talk about me. This caused me to be very quiet, and to learn how to go unnoticed whenever possible. I was also very sensitive and easily hurt, and if I got hurt, I would not express it. I would instead go into an entire internal experience that would be quite overwhelming - suppression. It frightened me and for some reason, I didn’t want anybody to know what was going on inside of me, I felt it was ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ for me to be feeling this way. This led me to become quite reserved, and I would feel unsafe to express myself around others. I would go into this waiting and observing experience, where I would hold myself into myself and wait for the other person to express themselves, and that would show me the ‘rules’, or the ‘boundaries’ within which it would be safe for me to express myself as well within the particular social interaction. I adapted within self-preservation, to only let myself express myself within the boundaries set by someone else, because I feared that if I were to express myself freely, I might say something that would cause a reaction or trigger a comment or an action that could potentially hurt me.



