Rumours of an Apple car may be premature but what would that future look like?

We have a new contender for most improbable Apple rumour. Long-time Apple commentator, Bryan Chaffin, of the Mac Observer, says he is “certain” the company is working on a car.

Chaffin’s sources say that, even as Elon Musk’s electronic car firm Tesla Motors is stealing away record numbers of employees from Apple, the house the Steves built is hiring Tesla employees right back – and specifically, “the kind of people from Tesla with expertise that is most suited to cars”.

But could Apple really do it? The company is certainly in the business of making desirable hardware sold at comfortable margins, but that might not translate.

After all, going by Apple’s track record, there are likely to be some speed bumps in the way.

1. The first model will crash, a lot

Everyone knows the advice with Apple products: skip the first generation. The iPod, iPhone, and iPad were all slightly lacklustre, and the first release of the software is generally crash-prone. Fine in an MP3 player; not so good on a highway.

2. The antenna won’t pick up radio (but it’s all your fault)

Are you sure you aren’t just holding the steering wheel wrong? But don’t worry, it’ll soon turn out that other car companies have exactly the same problem, it’s just no one reads their manuals.

3. Bono will be on the stereo, whether you like him or not

You don’t understand, it’s a gift from Tim Cook. A gift which will have you frantically searching through user forums trying to work out how to regift it, and permanently afraid of shuffling songs lest U2’s gentle croons assault you again.

4. It’ll cost twice as much as a Google car that’s also a bit bigger



Meanwhile, people who actually prefer a more compact car will be left high and dry by the ongoing wars to sell the biggest car possible, as Silicon Valley forgets yet again that not everyone is like them.

5. There will be a social network to let you share your favourite drives

It’ll be called “Vroom”. No-one will use it, it will fail almost instantly, and if you mention its name a few years later, even Apple will feign ignorance.

6. The built-in GPS will be Apple Maps

Good luck!

7. After three years software updates will make it slow to a crawl



Don’t say “planned obsolescence” though. And really you should be thankful – other cars don’t upgrade their operating system at all.

8. It’ll bend badly if you drive it wearing skinny hipster jeans

In, like, three cases ever. But the media will be all over them.

9. You’ll be able to buy a solid gold version

At least until the first drivers realise that such a car would struggle to overcome its own inertia, and be unable to support its own weight, trapping the occupant inside an expensive, shiny coffin.

10. And of course … the battery will run out by 4pm every day

But it’s fine, because you’ll be able to plug it into your in-car charger … um …

Please do add your own in the comments