Thinking about the new couples of friends who just started dating, and comparing myself to them, all the doubts and hopes of that phase of our relationship came back to my mind. For this reason I decided to write this open letter to those who are dating, hoping that their love can blossom to fullness.

My dear friend,

Our hearts are filled with joy for what you told us. Finding love is such a wonderful grace. Personal relations are at the center of everyone’s life. And the more they are full and healthy, the more we can call ourselves successful… it’s not indeed a matter of work or money. I’m sure these early days are overwhelming: everything is new, you discover each other and feel desired. Enjoy this breath of fresh air!

However, dating can not be improvised: in order to make sure that love will grow and won’t be shattered against cliffs of disappointment, you have to be an expert. The dating time is the time of discernment; it is a test, a race over hurdles, full of traps, doubts and pitfalls. Just like any of us, you will have many expectations from this relationship. You will run the risk of letting yourself be defined from your relationship, to the point that you’ll lose the sight of the final goal while being focused on keeping the romance alive. When love will ask you everything, you will trigger all sorts of sabotages to destroy and deteriorate it. It’s normal. Walk your path. I gladly share with you what I learned while dating Alessandra, hoping it can help you.

1. Time and space

You need to devote time to a relationship in order to make it work. We too were far from each other: I lived in Zürich (Switzerland) while Alessandra lived first in Basilicata (south of Italy) and then in Rome. Fr Giovanni, who at that time was our spiritual director, gave us a fundamental and primary rule: the Time and Space rule. That is: find a way to spend time together without letting too much time pass by between one meeting and the next. Alessandra and I decided that three weeks was the maximum amount of time in between our meetings; letting a month pass without seeing each other was too much. Take advantage of low cost airlines, cattle cars and anything else: you have to see each other regularly and having quality time together. It takes discipline (and a bit of organization), but it is crucial to let love grow.

2. Equal relationship

Alessandra and I are eight years apart. Now that she is 28 years old and I am 36 it doesn’t really matter… but when we met the first time I was only 24 and Alessandra was… 16! We started dating when she was almost 17, but —you know— I really couldn’t bear those childish talks! The gap was too big… even here our spiritual director came to our help. While she had to grow in maturity, I had to become closer to her. The relationship had to be a relationship of equality. I couldn’t stand too high, nor she could stay too low. Once reached this goal, we could walk and grow up together.

3. Be clear about the goal

And then my friend, don’t forget that the dating period is a trial period. Do not play the married couple, do not rush into things. Nor in the duties, nor in the rights, nor in the pleasure. Walk peacefully in simplicity. Leave the “forever” for later, so that you don’t ruin what has to be preserved. The Christian engagement is based on freedom, that is on the possibility to change your mind till the day before the wedding. Use this time to get to know each other in truth; the more you stop acting, the better you will allow your partner to get to know your past, to understand it and to love it. The goal in fact is not to get married or to have a bit of human warmth beside you, but to love your girlfriend with no reservations, to love her for what she is, especially in her flaws and sins, accepting her completely. When you reach this respect and you feel joy living it, then you’ll be ready. Anything else you decide to put in —selfishness, sex or lies— will only make you discernment journey more difficult, less clear and more devious.

4. Under the light of God’s Word

If it hadn’t been for the Gospel, Alessandra and I would have given up right away on the first day. After the first date and a nice evening spent together, I was assailed by the doubts that what we were doing was impossible to achieve, a simple childish illusion. We faced many obstacles — the age gap and the distance to name a few. But more in general the problem was that we were part of two such distant and different worlds. On the other hand, what united us seemed so weak that in my heart I was determined to give up, not holding on something that —obviously— could not work. This is what I had in my heart when going to Mass together on our first day as dates, the Lord spoke to us like this:

Take off.. And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” (Lk 5,5)

In my heart these words sounded like this: …you have done stupid things all your life following your head, trust Me for once and do as I say… for this I say: never let the Word leave your relationship. Read the Gospel of the day daily. Take the Word as your guide. If you’ll be listening He will tell you which way will be the one to go. He is lamp for your feet and a light on your path.

5. Pray together

With the demands of work or study, time passes quickly between a meeting and another. Do not let this time slip away, but instead use it to strengthen your union. And you are holding a tool which is more powerful than teleportation: prayer. No need to do anything special. Alessandra and I used to train ourselves in fidelity by saying one mystery of the rosary a day before going to bed.

6. Purity

In particular, be respectful of your intimacy. It is holy ground. Don’t step on it consuming it prematurely. A boy or a girl who can not wait are immature, lack of patience and prudence. Virtues are important in order to understand whether the other is the right person. After all, what’s actually the hurry? if you are meant for each other, you have nothing to fear; but if you are not, why denying yourselves the opportunity to give yourselves completely to the person who will accompany you throughout life? In this, what has been in the past doesn’t matter and don’t despair for a fall: God’s love is greater than your weaknesses (… stop by the confessional). What matters the most is to believe that preserving your purity today is important. Not doing so means to create intimate links in your history, which will prevent you to remain free to fully choose the other, with no kind of compulsion.

7. Follow a spiritual guide

We lived all this firsthand. These things have not been revealed to us by our intelligence, but rather by the careful guidance of Fr Giovanni, our spiritual father. In the hardest times the obedience to our guide made us overcome the most critical moments and then bloom again, passing through gestures and choices that we would never have done alone. So, find a good guide who can guide you with love, attention and gratuity… and especially who can guide you as a couple (!) regularly.

Now I leave you, Alessandra and I send you a hug from the bottom of our hearts… and don’t forget that we expect you over at out place. Have a good journey in Love

Francesco and Alessandra