1. Gently scraping cradle cap away from your baby's scalp with a fingernail.

2. Taking deep lungfuls of your kid's stinky morning breath, because realistically that's the only way you're going to get a 'good morning' kiss.

3. Poo or chocolate? The ultimate olfactory test.

4. Catching your kid's vomit in your hands like a goddamned champ, instead of letting it spatter the walls and ceiling.

5. Using a snot-sucker and managing to get every. Last. Nugget.

6. Not using a snot-sucker, and wiping your kid's bogeys away with your bare hands, then just carrying them around until you find a tissue.

7. And thinking "why don't they make stress balls out of this stuff?"

8. Giving your baby a pedicure. With your teeth.