Photo: Roy Wood Jr/Twitter

Look, we get it. The central premise of this article sounds absurd. What could possibly be funny about a global pandemic that has altered the very fabric of our existence, in one fell swoop shutting down everything we hold dear, from sports to movies to music to the very notion of human interaction? How could anyone possibly write jokes at a time like this? But in times of crisis, when we are frightened and don’t know what the hell is going on, we’ve historically turned to comedy. Comedy, as frivolous and inessential as it may seem, is humanity’s free coping mechanism, a medium that both distracts us from the horrors of the world while allowing us to get our best and worst thoughts out of our heads and off of our chests.

That being said, a lot of the comedy produced in response to the coronavirus has been unfunny, hack, and sometimes legitimately racist. Furthermore, as time passes and the news changes on a minute-by-minute basis, jokes that were funny five days ago have turned sour. Sure, the first tweet about what Shakespeare wrote during quarantine was cute, but by its 789th iteration, the bit had worn thin. Jokes about scoring cheap flights to Mexico on a “coronavirus discount”? Not so funny in light of how many people refuse to take social distancing seriously. A TikTok coronavirus challenge that involves licking a toilet seat? Okay, that’s legitimately horrifying under any circumstance.

The jokes that have somehow been able to remain funny in this crazy, unprecedented time are often not really about the virus itself, but rather how coronavirus has affected our relationship to something else, like health care, our apartments, or each other. As people are forced to turn to the internet for entertainment and comedians are trapped indoors with no way of performing live, the online jokes will keep flowing, for better or worse. Hopefully, at least one joke on this list will make you chuckle despite, you know, literally everything that’s happening all over the world. Here are the best jokes (so far) inspired by the coronavirus:

On Stimulus Checks and the Economy

I be saying “don’t worry I’m T.J Maxx” when in fact I am J.Crew.

I didn’t want to pay rent, but I still paid rent.

This just about sums everything up.

Patrick Star = socialist king.

No message has ever been so clear, in my opinion.

“Only God can judge me,” I say, while plugging in my credit-card information on RalphLauren.com.

It feels like the richer that people get, the harder it is for them to remember that food costs money, actually.

Heather Chandler can stay. Everyone else should be replaced.

I’m good for now, but thanks.

I mean, if we’re going to be stuck inside for a lot longer, it might be a good investment?

$1200 isn’t even enough for 3 improv classes — rainbow trout 🌈🐟 (@devin_) April 15, 2020

“Yes. And?” — The UCB 4

Remind me to hire this wise cat to do my taxes next year.

It’s called passive income. Look it up.

Whether it’s a billion dollars or $2,400, shit will always go down on an elevator — the Knowles-Carter Principle of Gravity.

If someone offers you cash from a van and tells you it’s your stimulus check, you can take it, but just know it’s not the type of stimulus check you think it is.

Anyone else sketched out by how quickly commercials were able to adapt to quarantine times?

On Gossip Girl

There have been plenty of memes to make waves during quarantine — memes about Greta Gerwig, memes about houses — but one meme has risen to the top of the crop: XOXO Gossip Girl.

The meme that set everything in motion.

It touched on everything from antidepressants …

To the economy …

To RuPaul’s fracking …

To geometry …

To Parasite (2019) …

To cats (the animal, not the film) …

To Marina and the Diamonds.

There are levels to this shit. Dadaism has been invoked.

It’s changing art history. This meme is highbrow.

But Photoshopping Anne Hathaway’s face over Leighton Meester’s keeps the meme lowbrow in the best possible way.

Greek-mythology reference? We’re highbrow again.

Okay, I’ll admit it. The Animal Crossing versions of Blair and Serena are adorable. Maybe I should start playing Animal Crossing …

No one is safe from this meme …

Not even Patron Saint of Gossip Girl (and plantation weddings) Blake Lively.

Real New Yorkers will get this one.

A meme that’s not afraid to get political …

Fin.

On Time

Not everything has to be a competition, CNN.

For me? It’s 2016, but give 2020 enough time and it could take the cake.

You’ve had your fun, Rona, but the party’s over.

me every 2 years looking at a past self thinking i'll never be cringe again pic.twitter.com/YTvqGYmI94 — i do not have animal crossing (@computerboy212) April 29, 2020

Cut to me in 2022 looking back on how I spent my quarantine.

i was so angry at everything when i was 13. and i was right — common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) April 27, 2020

Thirteen-year-old me is feeling very validated right now.

March lasted 3 years while April going by in 4 minutes — kenechukwu (@nigerianprynce) April 20, 2020

This makes absolutely no sense and yet is the truest thing I’ve ever read.

On that note, I’m also not counting the calories I’m inhaling toward my weight.

To be clear, we want to go back to 1996. Not 2019, not 2016. 1996.

Small weekend is over.. now entering big weekend ☹️ — Jo🌬 (@JoanNatson) April 5, 2020

Never thought the phrase “big weekend” would make me so sad.

Time is a flat circle.

2020 is the strictest parent I’ve ever had.

This is the funniest image I’ve ever seen pic.twitter.com/qna1qNTwNB — Matt Will Post (@MattPostSaysHi) March 25, 2020

So, apparently we have [checks notes] nine more months of 2020? That can’t be right.

Me when someone asks what day it is pic.twitter.com/1lhUh4eRUh — John Robert Allman (@Johnny_Allman) March 29, 2020

Alternate caption for this video: When will we be done with quarantine?

ppl are like “how have u been spending the time” it’s like well responding to texts takes 16 hours and then after that i try to get some rest .......... — charlie (@chunkbardey) March 29, 2020

Texting is a full-time job under quarantine and should be treated as such.

Thirty days hath September,

April, June, and November,

all the rest have thirty-one

Except March which has 8000 — brandAn is good (@LeBearGirdle) March 29, 2020

Who could forget the classic childhood rhyme about there being 8,000 days in March?

Little-known fact: The dinosaurs had just bought a lot of shares in Amazon before the meteor hit.

On “The Video”

In case you missed it, on March 18, Gal Gadot released a truly confounding video of all her famous friends singing “Imagine” by John Lennon, inspiring comedians across the nation, from all different walks of life, to come together to parody the living hell out of it.

The real deal @RealGilbert helping us through this pic.twitter.com/4aAMAwBEe7 — Jon Daly (@jondaly) March 19, 2020

From Gilbert Gottfried …

To Tavi Gevinson …

We hope this helps. ❤️ pic.twitter.com/4QcTAU3Szo — George Civeris (@georgeciveris) March 20, 2020

To the greater Brooklyn and L.A. alt-comedy community, everyone came together with the express purpose of roasting Gadot.

Everyone, that is, except comedian and Seek Treatment co-host Pat Regan. He’s busy focusing on family and other projects.

Oh, and Jeff Goldblum. He’s busy, too.

Can you believe “the video” was over a month ago?

On Apartments

Two of my roommates keep seeing their boyfriends. Not only are they not social distancing, not only do the boyfriends come in our house, but also, the boyfriends are ugly. — Ranche Dressingreaux (@SKEEerra) May 2, 2020

No sin worse than having an ugly boyfriend.

I’m supposed to eat and cook and eat and cook and eat and cook until I die????????????! — ziwe (@ziwe) May 2, 2020

This can’t be true.

When I feel those clippers on the back on my neck for the first time again pic.twitter.com/NdCnL9I4TP — Lethal Homo (@LordeCali) May 1, 2020

The way I’m gonna scream when I finally get my hair cut again by a professional.

Unnecessarily buying flour is not akin to what it was like to live in the Soviet Union in 1985, Karen.

She’s fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine …

Jo: Where’s my manuscript?

Amy: pic.twitter.com/60rmUUR2zi — a r y a (@fishgarbage) April 30, 2020

As for Jo’s manuscript though … that’s another story.

my husband and i switched sides of the bed this weekend, and that’s what we call “vacation” now — ilana glazer (@ilazer) April 28, 2020

As the Go-Go’s once sang, “Vacation all I ever wanted / Vacation had to get [to the other side of the bed].”

I’m not buying shit from Wish ever again man pic.twitter.com/amAVQ1toc5 — Mike Litoris (@BeefedUpStud) April 28, 2020

Maybe if my AirPods were that big I wouldn’t lose them every two weeks.

does this make sense pic.twitter.com/ezgESLMCFn — bridget 🌸🐝 (@mrsburtmacklin) May 1, 2020

It does.

my shoes probably think i died — gent (@gentv10) April 8, 2020

I’m sure their “shoeulogy” for you was beautiful haha … I’ll see myself out.

America is a strange and dark project but to call that food “tater tot” was so cute — Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@AyeshaASiddiqi) April 20, 2020

Say what you will about America, but she really did something with tater tots.

I feel incredibly validated by this as a person who hasn’t put on hard pants since February.

"this is my year!!!"-yeast — Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 11, 2020

Move over cauliflower, there’s a new sheriff in town and her name’s yeast.

They won. Plain and simple.

Okay, somehow my quarantine has none of the above?

From the Book of Paul Hollywood, Chapter 2 Verse 11.

I feel like if I could have one sour Altoid, everything would be okay again (no, it wouldn’t).

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now. — pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 15, 2020

Does your empty apartment still “spark joy,” Marie?

Who needs money when you’ve got focaccia bread, hahaha …

The bread baking has absolutely gotten out of control.

Journalism saving the day, yet again.

Everyone on their kitchen floors right now.

This may be true, but waiting in line to order a cold brew from Starbucks only for them to mess up your name and your order just hits different.

All respect to the woman who just leaned out of the window of her apartment and screamed, “I’M BORED” — Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) April 5, 2020

[Me, shouting out my window in suburban New Jersey]: ME TOO.

An astute observation by comedian Drew Anderson.

If someone doesn’t invent a prototype of a see-through toaster while we’re under quarantine, then honestly, what was it all for?

“We’ve been roommates for three weeks, and I’ve never seen you cry. What gives?”

It’s not “social distancing,” it’s “taking an oath of solitude.”

This dog has been officially upgraded from man’s best friend to man’s hero.

One million a month? An absolute steal if you ask me.

Who would have thought that Peloton would have the last laugh?

I picked a hell of a time to have not learned how to cook for the past 29 years — Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) March 16, 2020

[Makes 25th PB&J in a row.]

Moment of silence for the people who agreed to live with shitty roommates because they "wouldn't be spending much time at home anyway" — Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) March 15, 2020

Sending love and light to everyone who relates to this tweet …

On Family/Relationships

Me watching how some of you “social distance” on your instagram stories pic.twitter.com/HFEaMqldUR — Nico (@notn1co) May 4, 2020

[Blankly stares at attendees of the “Rona Rave.”]

I’m sorry, I passed out after reading this tweet.

ppl living with their partners talking about “im bored” go make out or something — nat “cops break laws to terrorize/intimidate” puff (@LeftAtLondon) April 28, 2020

It’s literally that simple.

My parents are stressed out that dog groomers aren’t open because Furby’s hair just keeps getting bigger and bigger pic.twitter.com/e7Slb6A3QR — Eric Hu (@_EricHu) April 28, 2020

I think Furby looks great, actually.

After careful consideration, I have to go with art hoe daughter. It seems slightly less exhausting.

This scans.

My phone, my rules.

My bf's Zooms w his guy friends are like "wow king that homemade cheesesteak looks amazing, really great work by my boy" & mine with my girl friends are like "I would cut off my right hand to do 45 lines of cocaine in Miami & my left hand to get railed by Ryan from the OC" — Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) April 22, 2020

Men are from Mars and women are … more fun.

Is Everyone Hanging Out on Zoom Without Me? (And Other Concerns) — Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) April 12, 2020

We may be physically stuck inside, but our social anxiety is still wild and free.

I miss telling my friends “text me when you get home” and not receiving anything — giooo (@gioo_gar) April 11, 2020

“OMG my bad I totally passed out when I got home” — me, the next morning.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back … Under Quarantine.

Vulture writer Taylor Garron providing a much-needed dose of perspective.

Mood.

Happens to me all the time.

I talk a big game online, but right now I just want someone to hold me :/

Formerly closeted gay teens: Now’s our time to shine.

guys will stand 5’8” from you and call it 6 feet — illithid tadpole (@andrealongchu) April 4, 2020

“With my shoes on I’m basically like six feet away from you.” —A five-foot-ten guy trying to get his social distance on with you

I’m more traditional, so I’ll be getting an annulment.

Break quarantine at your own risk, fellas. The girls are not playing around.

celibate? i said i was SELLING IT — BLOCKIANA (@slickjit) April 2, 2020

The universe must have misheard me.

Tag yourself. I’m top left :/

The 1.3 seconds of a tiktok vid where a cute couple completes a shitty dance and celebrates by giggling and falling out of frame is more triggering to me right now than ICU footage — Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) April 5, 2020

It should absolutely be illegal to share cute couple videos while under quarantine. Keep those to yourself.

“There’s literally no one to talk to,” I say to my four roommates.

no matter what I do, it doesn’t get any better pic.twitter.com/7A6dAB7QG5 — first-mate prance (@bocxtop) April 5, 2020

My dude put on a collared shirt and a blazer just to get virtually stood up smh you hate to see it.

Okay, way to brag that you’ve been on two (2) FaceTime dates while under quarantine.

i’m so bad at sexting... over here like “is that so? 🧐” — zach (@LI4BILlTY) March 27, 2020

Them: u up ;)

Me: Indubitably :)

Them: … nvm.

PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH SOMEONE: Oh we’re driving each other a little crazy haha but it’s actually been nice to slow down, catch up on our shows, bake bread.



PEOPLE WHO LIVE ALONE: pic.twitter.com/OpF1uUWfmd — Kevin T. Porter (@KevinTPorter) March 27, 2020

It’s so nice to see Bert and Ernie quarantining together.

Riding out quarantine at grandma’s house > riding out quarantine at the recording studio.

I remember my mama used say “outside ain’t going nowhere” now look at outside? Gone. — Ca$hly Banks (@TypicalLowLife) March 26, 2020

Scared to consider what else my mom was wrong about. Am I also not the cutest little boy in all of the world?

This is the scariest quarantine story I’ve heard yet.

Being horny while under quarantine can be confusing for all those involved.

Jon Hamm and I were set to have our beautiful wedding this April. However, due to the coronavirus, we will be postponing the celebration of our love. I’m heartbroken. My apologies to our friends and loved ones. Do not ask Jon about this he’s busy — burger queen foot lettuce (@GraceSpelman) March 15, 2020

This is a good time to mention that my wedding to Lil Nas X has also been indefinitely postponed.

Be warned: Your ex will slide into your DMs at some point while under quarantine.

Your aunt who just now realized we should quarantine pic.twitter.com/IQ7EHWnRBQ — Meg Stalter (@megstalter) March 17, 2020

“It hasn’t hit me until about 15 minutes ago, when our family beluga trip was canceled.”

While definitely not intended to be a joke, it’s incredibly hilarious that even in the face of a global pandemic, the Cuomo brothers are still willing to fight on national television about who is Mommy’s good boy for our viewing pleasure.

The Cuomos really could have used this advice …

On Sports/Games

I’ll never understand why I got picked for Seven Up as infrequently as I did.

Ummm, congrats Bill?

This is what my son will be doing whilst I do his homework for him pic.twitter.com/G89MWfdsPI — ً (@_Danyehh) April 30, 2020

The only thing better than a stage mom is a sports dad.

My character when the game I’m playing doesn’t have any black hairstyles https://t.co/PqU3eZieHN — Hov ✯ (@godhov) April 29, 2020

This is eerily similar to what my Wii Fit character looked like …

How old were you when Wii fit called you obese? — mac kahey (@MacDoesIt) April 28, 2020

Yeah … I didn’t have a great experience with Wii Fit growing up.

just got dumped and my roommate is trying to make me feel better by playing cards with me but she just keeps winning and whispering “sorry” — amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) April 27, 2020

When it rains, it pours.

So upsetting to see yet another Olympic hopeful result to cheating instead of hard work.

high school seniors complaining about no graduation when millions of elementary school kids don’t get to have field day. never forget your roots — alec (@squashgoblet) April 20, 2020

Field day >>>>>>>> graduation, for sure.

I miss not going to the gym.

Be careful what you wish for.

Would never wish ill upon anyone, but King K. Rool had it coming.

Britney Spears: Queen of Pop, Sprinting, and Meme-Making.

Luigi straight up broke his ankles.

i can't stop thinking about this post and crying pic.twitter.com/ueaO2c4UST — queen of bitch island (@kittynouveau) April 3, 2020

I’ll be honest, Animal Crossing scares me and this is why …

My (f26) boyfriend (m28) is visiting another girl's island a lot in animal crossing. Is this cheating? pic.twitter.com/Vgwcha5Vlg — relationships.txt (@redditships) April 1, 2020

Also this.

See that little sign in the hall? They don't allow liquid containers on planes. That implies 9/11 happened in Animal Crossing pic.twitter.com/HETXqQmVIu — Fats Gordo (@Fatsgordo) April 28, 2020

But why?

Am I to understand that some of you people are playing a video game where you’re in debt — Einstürzende Louboutin (@negaversace) April 15, 2020

Reason No. 83 why I cannot in good conscience start playing Animal Crossing.

my mom just asked me if it is possible to defeat tom nook — 🦷∞ @ 🎶🔪 (@octolinghacker) April 15, 2020

Who is Tom Nook? Is he good or bad? This is like Bob Odenkirk all over again for me …

We’re way ahead of you, Kate, way ahead of you.

An important parenting postmortem with Jet magazine’s 2017 Runner-up for Father of the Year, Roy Wood Jr. With only 1.7 timeouts per week, Team Wood is posting some really impressive stats this quarantine. Excited to see how they progress over the rest of the season.

Audibly gasped when the cats cleared Level 5.

Idea: We all combine of our $1200 stimulus checks and buy the Knicks — B. W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) March 26, 2020

Maybe it’s the quarantine talking, but this doesn’t sound like a bad idea …

I could be stuck in quarantine for a full year (God forbid) and I still would never be able to master this basketball trick.

This man’s immune system is the G.O.A.T.

The original Zoom meeting pic.twitter.com/WSCYkaTCHP — John M. Cunningham (@jmcunning) March 28, 2020

Hollywood Squares: Zoom Edition, coming to a Quibi near you.

Are we humans or are we our avatars from Animal Crossing?

Statement on COVID-19 from my Rollercoaster Tycoon park pic.twitter.com/GNDLOd5bIk — Chris Goodwin (@cgoodz) March 16, 2020

Thank goodness this virtual amusement park is taking every precaution to protect its guests from COVID-19.

Day 4 of Quarantine. Wine has become my new favorite drink pic.twitter.com/m9MHiia1b2 — Shello™️ (@_JayShells) March 19, 2020

I’ve been inside for so long I actually thought he used his foot to pour the drink.

Update: Not all sports are cancelled pic.twitter.com/VHmxFinflV — Marty O (@martoo14) March 14, 2020

If the Olympics ultimately get canceled, at least we know we’ll have something to watch.

My gems? Still uncut.

Who doesn’t love some good old-fashioned wordplay?

Every pub quiz team member in 20yrs time who knows everything about Coronavirus pic.twitter.com/bnWoQrHygQ — Paddy Raff (@paddyraffcomedy) March 14, 2020

“They heard me, well done.”

Do you think they have this game on Switch?

On Comedy

made a Rube Goldberg machine pic.twitter.com/gWRNnmm5Ic — COLiN BURGESS (@Colinoscopy) April 30, 2020

A true work of art from comedian and engineers Colin Burgess and Rajat Suresh.

comedians in cars getting quarantine .. rest of video in coments idiot RIP jerry pic.twitter.com/55S7L6xmxy — Rachel Borat Kaly (@rachel_kaly) May 4, 2020

If only Jerry Seinfeld listened to comedian Rachel Kaly’s advice before it was too late … RIP Jerry.

Quarantine has officially broken me and now I might make a hundred episodes of this. It’s my only passion now. pic.twitter.com/qCAeKEYH9S — Matt Gudernatch (@gudernatchos) April 29, 2020

The only thing worse than quarantining solo is quarantining with four clones of yourself.

Shoot for the stars and you’ll land on the moon (the moon = the Peoples Improv Theater).

The computers are becoming sentient, but like, in a fun way.

The production value on this video is truly stunning.

Comedian Jack Bensinger sheds a light on a sad phenomenon: teens smoking the coronavirus.

“Whore-antine.”

Under different circumstances, I would be all for Las Vegas opening a Moulin Rouge–themed casino.

I’ve seen so many dancers posting videos of themselves to inspire people, so here’s me writing jokes!! Hope this inspires you, you’re welcome!!! 😘😘 pic.twitter.com/8bigDuUch3 — Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 14, 2020

Late Night With Seth Meyers writer Karen Chee shares the beauty of comedy writing.

A dad joke from a disheveled Nathan Fielder? Don’t mind if we do.

Me Jan 2020: all I need is a month to myself with zero plans and nothing to do so I can write this pilot



Me April 2020: ok u know wut — julia shiplett (@juliashiplett) April 4, 2020

Okay, when I said I needed a month to finish my pilot I didn’t mean this month.

To stay sharp, I’ve been trying jokes out on my dog. pic.twitter.com/IwdF2CpudI — natashavaynblat (@natashavaynblat) March 31, 2020

Harvey the dog has impeccable taste.

every comedian’s bedroom rn pic.twitter.com/7w95KjvOCt — Ben Leary (@benlearyy) March 26, 2020

Say what you will about Joe Exotic, but his home studio setup was legit.

I’m doing SNL alone this week because it’s on hiatus, and so I tried to make promo’s like they do. pic.twitter.com/vMb2GXdSe4 — ianabramson (@ianabramson) March 19, 2020

“The bucket was supposed to fall.”

Watching the videos from Italy 🇮🇹 inspired me. Entertainers must offer hope & humor to their neighbors in this time of quarantine. pic.twitter.com/ohrsBtuqzu — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 16, 2020

God bless the couple in the distance looking onward, confused and slowly clapping as Oswalt does his tight five.

Lying in bed bottomless, legs spread, patting my mound, my phone 2 inches from my face, arching my back and moaning with SINFUL anticipation for all of the front-facing character videos we are about to see when all these comedians get quarantined inside our houses 👄💦 mmmm fuck! — Patti Harrison (@Party_Harderson) March 13, 2020

Brace yourself for the onslaught of front-facing comedy videos … they’re coming.

self quarantine please pic.twitter.com/MqvMUQL1wO — Carmen Christopher (@CarmChristopher) March 16, 2020

Thanks for the shout-out, Carmen!

In something you probably won’t see again for quite some time, on March 13, Norm Macdonald performed a tight five entirely about coronavirus to a packed house. “I feel like I’m in the fucking middle of a Stephen King novel,” he quipped. So do we, Norm. So do we.

On Front-Facing Videos

Tik Tok that’s moralizing about something but the text is missing pic.twitter.com/j8nwPu8kIy — cancela lansbury (@gossipbabies) May 4, 2020

What do you think comedian Steven Phillips-Horst is dancing about? I think it’s pescatarian first responders.

How some of you sound pic.twitter.com/ZN4F245iZN — Michael Benjamin (@mfbenji) May 3, 2020

“We tried to go to Palm Springs but the Airbnb I usually get is booked.”

guy using the same joke every time he’s late to a zoom. pic.twitter.com/F6RwGb3N0f — PETER (@PTRSMTH) May 4, 2020

“The road that I took was traffic.”

Smash that like button pic.twitter.com/uwWe0DHN4O — Ryan O’Flanagan (@ryanoflan) May 4, 2020

Patrick Warburton = stabbed.

me portrait of a lady on fire-ing in quarantine alone pic.twitter.com/Dl58zXhRQ4 — Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) April 28, 2020

J’adore comedian Eva Victor’s Portrait of a Lady on Fire parody. Oui, oui!

Somehow got signed up for a service called “reverse cameo” where I send celebrities little videos. Kind of a chore but the extra money is nice. pic.twitter.com/BBzA3lHUSp — Ben Marshall (@notbenmarshall) April 26, 2020

I’ve never bought a Cameo but would absolutely purchase one of comedian Ben Marshall’s “reverse Cameos” where he sends messages to random celebrities. “Happy Earth Day, Dr. Drew” indeed.

Cocktails according to an unemployed bartender pic.twitter.com/iaScvJlNrp — Kimberly 🧜🏻‍♀️ Dinaro💲 (@KimberDin) April 27, 2020

Would love to go to comedian and bartender Kimberly Dinaro’s bar after this is all over.

catching up with my DEAREST friend @evaandheriud pic.twitter.com/I1hnuvN74G — Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 20, 2020

Comedians Alyssa Limperis and Eva Victor gorgeously one-up each other over FaceTime, as friends are wont to do.

If you're in need of a laugh right now, listen to Leslie Jordan's experience of working with Faye Dunaway: pic.twitter.com/P0nSQlkQqZ — David (@xmagic_dustx) April 19, 2020

Not a comedian in the traditional sense, but actor Leslie Jordan’s front-facing camera work is unparalleled.

Woman who can’t believe this is the line pic.twitter.com/iikoVyMCI6 — Hallie Haas (@halliekhaas) April 22, 2020

“I can’t cut Jeremy because then I’d have to ask the person I’m cutting and then everyone behind them.”

When you cut your own hair in quarantine pretend to be a female character who’s gone through a significant and/or traumatic event, and now has her spontaneous, tearful, cathartic haircutting scene scored by rousing music pic.twitter.com/Q8dH47v4yl — cam spence (@CamGurrrl) April 13, 2020

That look at the end? Comedian Cam Spence has gone full Gone Girl.

emails from airlines right now pic.twitter.com/V8XhgIMiaI — Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) April 16, 2020

“Checking a bag is still 50 bucks.”

really helpful info to have right now! pic.twitter.com/FtWqIIrilK — JEREMY (@jeremylevick) April 1, 2020

Comedians Jeremy Levick and Rajat Suresh provide helpful information during this difficult time.

every zoom discussion during online school pic.twitter.com/0LtkQy8gOm — liva (@realchoppedliva) March 31, 2020

“Where did the mic come from? Ah, put it away.”

when you meet a friend for coffee but they already have a seat so you have to order just far enough away that you can’t have a normal conversation pic.twitter.com/WV5NupEEdo — Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) January 4, 2020

Remember meeting a friend for coffee? Those were the days …

High school senior who thinks they don’t have to cancel the spring musical pic.twitter.com/VLqehXkbIK — Jacob Kaplan (@JacobKaplan17) March 23, 2020

“School’s locked? We’ll just do it outside.”

One of the most painful things about this whole pandemic is watching every club & alt comedian that shit on "YouTube Comedians" turn into one. — mosesstorm (@MosesStorm) March 17, 2020

As Roy Wood Jr. predicted, now more than ever comedians are turning to social media for laughs.

this is “stand-up comedian who has been stuck inside for 4 days” pic.twitter.com/uR9OtVHsgZ — mary beth (@marybethbarone) March 16, 2020

But some comedians, like Mary Beth Barone, are having a difficult time with the transition …

This video is for all of the comics out there trying to transition into video work—take this plunge :) pic.twitter.com/U3kDMlqBzi — joey b :D (@joecastlebaker) March 18, 2020

Maybe she can take a front-facing video class with comedian Joe Castle Baker?

exploring this fun new creative outlet tiktok!!! pic.twitter.com/THNdNHfV9S — mary beth (@marybethbarone) April 14, 2020

Or maybe not.

On Entertainment/Culture

DISGUSTING THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN TODAY IN BROOKLYN STOP BEING SELFISH AND STAY HOME pic.twitter.com/zonzs1YqFt — Michael Hartney (@MichaelHartney) May 2, 2020

You can listen to Sunday in the Park With George but you can’t actually spend Sunday in the park with George.

Even tho it was cancelled we’ve just gotten news that Jason Derulo has fallen down the stairs at the Met Gala pic.twitter.com/XlvWkiwr5n — Quinn (@quinn_lawlor) May 4, 2020

Death, taxes, and Jason Derulo falling down the stairs at the Met Gala.

subjecting myself to a body cavity search so I can watch Trolls World Tour in a cavernous auditorium with 5 other people https://t.co/BGpDvHh2Vb — rob trench (@robtrench) May 2, 2020

As God intended.

I’m on my phone 16 hours a day? Great, that means I’m getting a solid 8 hours sleep — B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) May 2, 2020

Jealous of B.J. Novak for getting a solid eight hours of sleep.

Helena Bonham Carter getting groceries pic.twitter.com/8oXspPI16I — Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) May 1, 2020

Mood.

Remember when hand sanitizer was just one of the many ways a romcom would use to indicate a fiancé was actually uptight and bad? — Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) May 2, 2020

I guess now we will have to rely on black pencil skirts and a tight bun to do that job.

“Can I get a few words?”

This was our last moment of happiness: pic.twitter.com/halRDBJDJU — J. Ernesto Huacuja (@tiosulfato) April 30, 2020

We didn’t deserve these kids.

why was everyone at this dental floss event in 2008 pic.twitter.com/idzkJFPXkT — jenni jwoww (@lasagnabby) May 1, 2020

Finally, we have the time to answer the tough questions, like “Why was everyone at this dental floss event in 2008?”

i hate the “watch a movie” suggestion when i say im bored. shut up. i have no attention span. i need to chew on batteries — megan (@slitthroatz) April 30, 2020

I physically cannot watch another movie …

oh you’re BORED in quar?????????? might i recommend EVERY MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dumbass — SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) April 27, 2020

And yet, comedian Sarah Squirm makes a good point.

Hey, everyone. This is Pam tweeting from Jim's account. Jim got shot in the head. — Jim from The Office (@JimHelpart) April 30, 2020

[Frowns directly at camera.]

When Sweeney Todd said, “These are my friends” to inanimate objects, I felt that. — John Robert Allman (@Johnny_Allman) May 3, 2020

The songs I’ve sung to my cutlery … Sweeney’s got nothing on me.

moving from my bed to my desk to my couch to my bed every day: pic.twitter.com/nuPLQogmAf — Sasha James (@ThatSashaJames) April 29, 2020

Quarantine is sick and twisted even by Reynold Woodcock standards.

This exact thing happened to me while watching Where’d You Go, Bernadette (2019).

The ladies who lunch would honestly love Herb Ertlinger’s fruit wine.

Look, I’m just gonna say it. I’m fucking sick of myself. pic.twitter.com/yzQios8x9T — Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@OfficialJLD) April 19, 2020

Imagine being sick of Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Impossible.

This is the most relatable thing ever pic.twitter.com/Oj6bDqXedT — Sydney Urbanek (@sydurbanek) April 19, 2020

What if Leo’s girlfriend turns 25 while they are quarantining together … I shudder at the thought.

i miss life before all this. i miss it so bad. pic.twitter.com/br9tLUNAZh — hannah-g (@ericformanstan) April 21, 2020

We’ve been through so much in the last six weeks. So much.

The Baker's Wife instructing the Baker to "just calm the child" at the end of Into the Woods is the most ghost-splain-ey thing ever, it's like, um that's easy for you to say, you're dead and I'm covered in vomit — Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) April 21, 2020

The only person I’ll let speak ill of The Baker’s Wife is Rachel Bloom.

I can’t define pornography but I know it when I see it. pic.twitter.com/Pfa8OhaXiO — Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 20, 2020

Yeah … this is it.

She has a point …

I don’t care what Georgia opens up. I will be pic.twitter.com/6W7hNv3dJj — Chewella DeTrille (@CaressLepore) April 20, 2020

If you know, you know.

i owe the Jurassic Park franchise an apology, it is in fact very realistic the rich would reopen a park in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death — Brett (@Relentlessbored) April 22, 2020

We also owe an apology to Bryce Dallas Howard for saying she couldn’t run away from a dinosaur wearing stilettos. Now we know that truly anything is possible.

“You mean to tell me the president of the United States can’t get a vaccine? Yeah, right.”

“There can be a 100 people in a room …” — Lady Gaga by 2021 hopefully.

pic.twitter.com/NoV28Oc1nj — no context the good place (@nocontexttgp) April 21, 2020

Maybe if we all had yellow and blue zig-zag suits, quarantine would be more fun? Eh, probably not.

finally watched Blazing Saddles and wow, it's true... they could never make that movie today. coronavirus shutting down production and whatnot — demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 22, 2020

They just don’t make movies like they used to anymore … because they don’t make them at all.

white women are healing. we are the virus https://t.co/2HhkajJR14 — Listening... Amplifying... (شادي) (@shariaprelaw) April 21, 2020

Kylie Jenner definitely looks … different.

let's face it: this is cool https://t.co/nC62J7eIQG — Amy Zimmer (@oneamyzimmer) April 22, 2020

This tweet will inspire a long line of rowdy 13-year-old boys to follow their dreams and become stunt coordinators.

“What if we gave every mom an absolute dumptruck ass” -pixar — philip matarese (@philorphilip) April 11, 2020

This tweet is dedicated to Mrs. Incredible, the Patron Saint of Pixar Moms with Dumptruck Asses.

They alive, damn’t. It’s a miracle!

netflix: are you still there?



me: i'm literally not allowed to leave — james 🚀 (@james_comics) April 11, 2020

Where did you think I was gonna go, Netflix? Outside?

next time me and the homies can hang out pic.twitter.com/fUuP0U9W1y — john (@_johnfarnsworth) April 13, 2020

Can’t wait until me, Samwise, Frodo, and Gandalf can go bar-hopping in Williamsburg again.

renee zellweger's oscar speech put a hex on this country, no questions at this time — Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) April 14, 2020

You can’t prove this isn’t true.

Really would have thought Chandler would be the character from Friends to get a coronavirus meme, and yet here we are.

A challenge anyone right now to recall, from memory, the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean — G. L. DiVittorio (@ginadivittorio) April 14, 2020

I … I couldn’t do it.

🚨🚨🚨 Florence Pugh Daily has broken their silence: “Please stay strong in these difficult times.”🚨🚨🚨 pic.twitter.com/HijrsQeKB9 — Ξvan Ross Katz (@evanrosskatz) April 15, 2020

It’s a tough time out here for celebrity stan Twitter. Let’s be sure to keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

How Lindsay Lohan pronounces “Coronavirus”. pic.twitter.com/Ugs9N6amzr — Matt Rogers (@MattRogersTho) April 14, 2020

No lies were detected in this video from comedian and former Vulture blogger Matt Rogers.

My mom is hiring a Private investigator to find out why Lea Michele wasn’t at both the Glee zoom reunion tonight and the Spring awakening zoom reunion last night — Jonathan Young (@_jonathanyoung) April 15, 2020

Is the FBI on this? The CIA? I simply won’t rest until we have answers as to the whereabouts of one Lea Michele.

The place my mind just went.... https://t.co/ojOHs40GXQ — HOOD VOGUE is tired of poverty (@itskeyon) April 15, 2020

Didn’t know how deep in the gutter my mind was until I saw this tweet.

Losing my fucking MIND at this Quibi show where actual Emmy winner Rachel Brosnahan plays a woman obsessed with her golden arm pic.twitter.com/rSfqCv75SG — Zach Raffio (@zachraffio) April 15, 2020

Has Quibi gone too far, or not far enough? Discuss among yourselves.

going through my computer and I'm struggling to remember why I Photoshopped Dobby into Manchester by the Sea pic.twitter.com/onnYVFESzl — rex (@oldredtree) April 15, 2020

There’s no proof that this was made during quarantine, but it feels very of the era.

Y’all really manifested a year of rest and relaxation... — Former Broadway Playwright Jeremy O. Harris (@jeremyoharris) April 15, 2020

Ottessa Moshfegh’s influence …

quarantine has made me a better artist. pic.twitter.com/EqhPZdGbPH — spendex (@notspencer_) April 14, 2020

It’s gotta be option two, right? Unless …

i recreated ashley tisdale's iconic 2000's red carpet looks pic.twitter.com/5fGuBrSX47 — ellie (@ellieaddi) April 14, 2020

Would love to chat with Ashley Tisdale’s stylist circa 2000 and unpack some of these lewks.

it’s hard for me to say this but if Jim Carrey was born in the 90’s he would be doing these kind of videos https://t.co/N0J6RJoWxS — meg “Feleena” bitchell (@MeganBitchell) April 13, 2020

No lies were detected in this tweet.

If Lisa Kudrow wasn't constantly working 12 years ahead of the zeitgeist she'd get the recognition she deserves pic.twitter.com/FeUiZ6VZsB — James (@jrawson) April 3, 2020

Her mind.

I had the exact same reaction when I saw the Wicked movie was delayed again.

While the original lyrics work, “close proximity to my mother” scans better.

Mrs. Dalloway said she would have the flowers delivered because they were non-essential need, but she would make sure to tip the delivery guy at least 30% herself — Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) April 1, 2020

Here’s hoping that Mrs. Dalloway didn’t cross the Amazon picket line, and used an independent delivery option instead.

zuckerberg & jeff bezos donate %0.003 of their monthly salary and y’all praise them... but when demi lovato donates her entire networth + a loan and y’all go MUTE? i see how y’all are https://t.co/J3TLn5q0wu — . (@herwickedrep) April 1, 2020

To come for Demi Lovato at a time like this …

people were like “2020 gunna be a movie fr 😭😭” yeah nigga room — giabuchi lastrassi (@jaboukie) April 4, 2020

Savor Daily Show correspondent and Twitter king Jaboukie while you can, because he will probably get suspended again.

CoRUnavirus: The Rusical — nolan (@auntanxiety) April 4, 2020

For the love of God, please do not let the Drag Race producers see this tweet.

when lady bird said i want to live through something and i said same this is not what i meant — abbey (@edwardcu1len) April 4, 2020

CC: Hunter Harris.

Me every day of quarantine pic.twitter.com/HrOUkjeQMn — Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) April 5, 2020

“Learn from this” —Me to myself after letting the dishes pile up yet again

Feels like we are all in prison but the prison in Goodfellas where you can still make pasta — Sam Morril (@sammorril) April 6, 2020

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a [checks notes] prisoner with unfettered access to rigatoni.

At least there’s a silver lining for conspiracy theorists?

This quarantine has really upped some of y'all's creativity 😭 pic.twitter.com/CqDO5bLSbC — *Stares in 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐙𝐔𝐑* (@lilnigga_Lexx) March 22, 2020

Martin Scorsese is shaking.

not to be alarmist but if you give gay people $1,200 they will spend it on dua lipa merch — Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) March 27, 2020

It would be a small price to pay to honor our quarantine queen, Dula Peep.

Never thought I’d agree with Mary Louise, but here we are.

If you know, you know (I had to do it to ’em).

Drew Droege’s Chloë Sevigny is back, and she’s fending off carpetbaggers with a home spoon, of course.

Will I finally learn who Bob Odenkirk is while under quarantine? I doubt it.

This one is: When getting dressed during social isolation deserves a prime time interview pic.twitter.com/IolHTeU4XL — Bojito (@Bomanizer) March 19, 2020

“Who were you thinking about? The children.”

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼 — dykes for bernie (@bealescore) March 19, 2020

Stars! They’re just like us!

OMG guys I just got off the phone with my agent and I’m in talks for a COVID-19 test!!! They’re mainly looking for names rn, but they asked me to send a self-tape 🙈🙈 Wish me luck!!! — Paul McCallion (@OrangePaulp) March 19, 2020

We’re crossing our fingers that you book!﻿

WHOA SIMPSONS PREDICTED EVERYTHING pic.twitter.com/6QIWKsGmE5 — DVS (@DVSblast) March 14, 2020

Honestly what hasn’t The Simpsons predicted at this point?

margot robbie on her way to receive her oscar for best leading actress in birds of prey thanks to every movie being postponed pic.twitter.com/NBiUjsKL1u — marti (@faIsegvd) March 12, 2020

She’s got stiff competition from Elisabeth Moss in Invisible Man and [checks notes] yeah, that’s it.

We can’t believe Laura Benanti didn’t include this video from actor and comedian Jared Loftin in her Twitter thread highlighting performances from high schoolers whose musicals have been postponed. His delivery of “lost all powers of speech” is enough to earn him a Jimmy Award nomination.

On Music

When Beyoncé said “I’d rather die young than live my life without you”, I did not feel that. — Mars. (@MarsinCharge) May 2, 2020

Love Bey, but not totally onboard with this one.

USED TO BE BI BUT NOW IM JUST HETERO pic.twitter.com/sBBMryG1S7 — kaiden (@socialisthottie) May 1, 2020

If watching Mary-Kate and Ashley dancing to Doja Cat and Nicki Minaj’s “Say So Remix” doesn’t make you laugh, then I don’t know what will.

An aerial view of my current state. https://t.co/aGDFpaC0ub — Stephanie J. Block (@StephanieJBlock) May 1, 2020

Like many of us, Tony Award winner Stephanie J. Block is breaking down. Unlike many of us, she has a fierce belt, incredible comedic timing, and surprisingly good knife skills.

The Theme to the Office, but with lyrics so you can do it around the campfire or something and everyone can picture it. pic.twitter.com/zBqMlC6GDn — Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) April 30, 2020

“Trees, Dunder Mifflin sign, Michael Scott talking.”

Blue Ivy said you ain't about to sit up in MY house doing nothing, get to work Miss Single Ladies pic.twitter.com/nvQvXBpWvM — 𝖀𝖓𝖌𝖔𝖉𝖑𝖞 𝕭𝖑𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖉𝖊 (@thiccgiant) April 29, 2020

Blue Ivy: the hardest-working woman in show business.

just want her back pic.twitter.com/Qc2eeQ105D — Jill Krajewski (@JillKrajewski) April 29, 2020

What I would give to cue up “Total Eclipse of the Heart” right now.

no other celebrity is doing it like her pic.twitter.com/KMbU2i6EUr — graciela mae (@notgracielamae) April 18, 2020

Keira Knightley is a true double threat: an actress and a tooth musician.

a nigga coughed on tv just now and i froze — Tyler, The Creator (@tylerthecreator) April 21, 2020

Even Tyler, the Creator has coronavirus-induced PTSD.

I’m not coming out of my cage nor am I doing just fine — glamorous reptile (@glamoureptile) April 10, 2020

“Gotta gotta [stay in] because I want [to live].”

“I got a pocket full of gloves and my homeboys do, too.”

everyone made fun of Rebecca Black for singing "yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday" but now I'd kill to have that much confidence in what day it is — Michael Good (@michaelgooood) April 14, 2020

Rebecca Black: a musician who definitely knows what day it is.

streets need that beethoven vs chopin ig battle tho — Desus Nice (@desusnice) April 5, 2020

As musicians go head-to-head on Instagram, it’s time to get classical musicians in the mix. Haydn versus Mozart (Mozart, obviously). Debussy versus Tchaikovsky (Debussy by a hair). Bach versus Schubert (Bach by a mile).

I’m doing good how are you? pic.twitter.com/srSmAUyDOF — whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) March 18, 2020

When comedian Whitmer Thomas sang “skip skop ribbet don laptop pop slappy do to you”? I really felt that.

This song is legitimately climbing the charts, and for good reason. It slaps.

Coronavirus isn't stopping this Tool cover band pic.twitter.com/YW73kZis5l — nick ciarelli (@nickciarelli) March 16, 2020

Clearly the team behind “Moves Like Bloomberg” still has the music within them.

On Singing From Windows

why are all these stan accounts tricking their faves into thinking quarantined neighbourhoods in italy are singing their songs LMFAAOOOO pic.twitter.com/ni1iIc6G3P — 𝖆𝖗𝖈𝖍𝖎𝖊 (@arxhiiie) March 15, 2020

Over the weekend, music stans began dubbing audio clips from their favorite artists onto viral videos of quarantined people singing together out of their windows. The results are truly not to be believed, as celebrities like Katy Perry, Cheryl Lloyd, and Madonna were fooled into thinking entire towns were singing their greatest hits. Obviously this was only the tip of the iceberg …

an entire town in Italy is watching Kim Richards vs. Eileen Davidson together from their balconies 😍 this is so beautiful!!! pic.twitter.com/Eq1zMErTPL — T. Kyle 🏳️‍🌈 (@tkylemac) March 15, 2020

“You came into my home.”

A whole neighborhood in Italy is reciting the ‘I Am Your Mother’ monologue from Hereditary while they’re on lockdown and self-quarantined. #COVIDー19 pic.twitter.com/OKXfbhAJgD — ahmad (@writtenbyahmad) March 15, 2020

Is anyone else relating to Toni Collette’s character from Hereditary a lot more now?

No one joined in..... 😭 pic.twitter.com/yyaYA98ZT2 — Ryan Bloomquist (@ryanbloomquist) March 15, 2020

We now know Judi Dench wouldn’t have joined in because she still hasn’t seen Cats.

absolutely beautiful—people in lockdown in New York City are singing to each other from their balconies & windows pic.twitter.com/inz623LOqR — Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) March 16, 2020

Now, more than ever, we should be calling J.G. Wentworth 877-CASH-NOW.

my upstairs neighbor playing guitar ................. bitch this aint italy — Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) March 17, 2020

Fin.

On Health

Pushing send on my obvious joke as I join thousands of people making fun of someone in a mob on twitter, feeling somewhere inside that I’m also capable of being wrong or ignorant of something and that this could happen to me eventually. But most of all having fun — dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) May 4, 2020

Ignore that voice inside of you. Keep having fun!

it has been nothing short of an honor to have stayed inside for 8 weeks for these amazing people in the west village today <3 pic.twitter.com/35a0P8zFwv — Celeste (@celestrogen) May 3, 2020

New Yorkers, we’re all in this togeth … wait a damn minute.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted a lot lately. I’m just insanely busy, been doing an incredible amount of traveling these days, shopping! Don’t feel well, gonna nap. — John Reynolds (@JohnReynoldss) April 30, 2020

Sleeping it off should definitely help.

Kids cough like this but you wanna open up schools???? pic.twitter.com/nDxx5x9ACX — Kaido (@johndavids_635) April 29, 2020

Adorable, but highly unsanitary.

Me: i miss my friends

My friends: let’s video call

Me: no — B O L L O C K S (@itsallbollocks) April 27, 2020

Never related to something more.

All of this is his fault pic.twitter.com/L5mOFwXwbU — Clara Rehmann (@ramencult) April 19, 2020

When you think about it, he’s really the reason we’re in the mess.

to sanitize your fabric masks, boil them for ten minutes. do NOT forget to put aside a little of the mask water to add to the sauce — more cherries than man (@NoraReed) April 10, 2020

So important to leave a little mask water for the sauce.

I'm an anti vaxxer which is why I think we should just all get herd immunity by exposing ourselves to the virus to get antibodies, ideally a weakened version of the virus, in some sort of doctor's office or pharmacy — Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 11, 2020

An idea that’s so crazy it just might work …

“If you can see the tiny penises, you’re too close” seems like a good rule to live by.

thinking about her today pic.twitter.com/wCUiXuiaxh — Bonebone Fan Account (@benicetome) April 12, 2020

“So clean the mic after this or you will get it.”

having a human body is literally fucking annoying I want to be a cloud — nut compass (@mckenziedenisee) April 12, 2020

Have been saying this for years.

my skin acting right now that she knows i don’t have anywhere to go pic.twitter.com/66qS1UfCT8 — positive attitude hunter™️ (@hunteryharris) April 15, 2020

No weapon formed against me shall prosper … except my own skin.

Bitch we are getting JUMPED https://t.co/jepiF5oTjC — Jenniggafer Hopez (@Asia_Bean) March 31, 2020

They say when it rains it pours … seven to nine times.

I lost my teens to my depression and now I'm losing my twenties to a pandemic can't wait to lose my thirties to climate change!!!! — Fiona Applebum says block Shaun King! (@WrittenByHanna) April 2, 2020

So much to be grateful for, so much to look forward to :)

Sleeping don’t hit like it used to pic.twitter.com/v2JgNNBo9G — BLM 🇸🇴 (@animaxali) April 5, 2020

Never thought the day would arrive when I wouldn’t actively look forward to sleeping, and yet here we are.

me staying home me staying home

bc I wanted to bc I have to pic.twitter.com/gofUUA5SET — 𝖑𝖊𝖓𝖆 ☠︎ (@lenarios27) March 25, 2020

I don’t mind staying home; I just hate being told what to do.

your quarantine number is the number of times you’ve masturbated minus the number of times you’ve cried — colleen (@Coll3enG) April 2, 2020

My number? -27.

Me, 8: “Dear Diary, hey girl! I can’t wait to be in my mid-20s with a cutesy wife and three little toddlers. I’ll have a big house and be a fireman!”



Me, 26: “Dear Therapist, I’m gay, an assistant, and quarantined with my parents.” — Nick Lehmann (@NickStopTalking) April 3, 2020

Wow, dreams really do come true.

“YoUr TwEnTiEs ArE tHe BeSt TiMe Of YoUr LiFe!!” —Someone who doesn’t remember their 20s

Allergies having the nerve to show up during a pandemic https://t.co/4lYHxuaQn1 — karma aka ダニー (@karmathedancer) March 25, 2020

“What do you gain from that?”

Me: why does my back hurt



Also me: pic.twitter.com/aqffaJa3A9 — Wajed (@borderlineyikes) March 26, 2020

This reminds me to make an appointment with my chiropractor the moment we are free from quarantine.

Wildlife finally returning to Thames. Nature is healing🌷 pic.twitter.com/d6uBxSaIAx — ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) March 29, 2020

One bright spot: Massive rubber duckies are returning to their natural habitat.

The perfect quarantine schedule,



4:00 - Wallow in self pity

4:30 - Stare into the abyss

5:00 - Solve world hunger (tell no one)

5:30 - Jazzercise

6:30 - Dinner with me (I cant cancel that again)

7:00 - Wrestle with my self loathing — Dylan Wheeler (@DylanWheeler_) March 18, 2020

Okay, wow, I thought we were all wrestling with our self-loathing from 4:45 to 5:45 p.m.

gonna tell my kids this was the coronavirus pic.twitter.com/8eDbsYddkW — E. Alex Jung (@e_alexjung) March 19, 2020

Our very own E. Alex Jung teaching the proverbial children what’s what.

friend is worried they have the virus. healthcare system is so bad here i had to be his doctor...here's how that went pic.twitter.com/IkTuPtiBkv — Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) March 13, 2020

So important not to mix up coronavirus symptoms with regular bodily functions.

The anti-vaxxers have been suspiciously quiet lately …

can we all just agree to gain 15 pounds. that way none of us have to feel weird about it — Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 15, 2020

All in favor of this motion say, aye? Aye.

On Work/School

i'm broken, this is so funny pic.twitter.com/x4Vnndxgt6 — lacey (@byelacey) May 3, 2020

Car go space? What a ridiculous question.

Hitler is canceled.

When I was 10, I told my mostly white class that I was Japanese and a little white girl raised her hand and said “You can’t say Japanese. You have to say Asian.” and everyone agreed. — Jared Goldstein (@heyjaredhey) May 5, 2020

The repressed memories that come back during quarantine.

i don’t watch porn i just look at this and cry pic.twitter.com/7TrBKy7dn1 — aamer (@aamersnow) May 4, 2020

[Big Ariana voice] Imagine a world like that.

Reply to this tweet and I will tell you if you are an Elkay LZS8WSLK or an Elkay LZSDL8LC pic.twitter.com/nXKKWpyVoT — indie conan o’brien (@TamingMyImpala) May 2, 2020

I’m an Elkay LZSDL8LC :)

Fund the United States Postal Service https://t.co/dNdZre2s6x — Tyler Hansen (@tjhansen) May 1, 2020

This is hands down the best TikTok.

Teens: Please stop shooting us at school.

Republicans: lol snowflakes



Governors: Please stop going to Applebee's.

Republicans: pic.twitter.com/zaA5VRF0XZ — Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) May 1, 2020

Republicans: Give me Applebee’s or give [innocent children] death.

I’m putting Harvard in my bio after completing this free online course they’re offering. pic.twitter.com/xCQJJsXaaU — Yennifer 🇭🇳 (@queenyennifer_) April 30, 2020

Hey, an online degree is still a degree.

my professor sent me an email to stop cussing during my exams cause on the last one the webcam recorded us and i talk to myself to workout problems and I kept saying “what the fuck am I doing” — diego (@diegohmacias) April 30, 2020

“What the fuck am I doing?” —Everyone, all the time during quarantine

Quarantine is an amazing time to learn a new language, like “straight-passing.”

The definition of friendship pic.twitter.com/QsMXKLWYrT — Daniel (@MyFavsTrash) April 30, 2020

Love to see small businesses supporting each other.

A timeless classic.

i can't believe school used to start at 8am and i actually went — ًَ (@acoIades) April 29, 2020

God, I was such a loser.

subscribe to my Nookfans pic.twitter.com/zDAOQSu10K — rain (@misshemlock) April 29, 2020

Even online avatars have bills to pay.

Laughed at this meme instead of sending any emails today.

Someone beat Hemingway's challenge by a single word. pic.twitter.com/qtgzYo2zkK — mugrimm (@mugrimm) April 29, 2020

A story for our time.

Sometimes reading a book it’s like damn is there anything you WON’T describe — Heather Jewett (@bimbosummit) April 28, 2020

It’s like damn, Tolstoy, we get it.

Do you see what I see? pic.twitter.com/JR030Q3fW7 — Jaymes Mansfield (@JaymesMansfield) April 19, 2020

You’re never truly safe when working from home, even when taking a shower.

Went thru my son Ipad this morning 🤦🏾‍♂️🤣 pic.twitter.com/3UvWeWpY9n — Chizzy (@ChaChingChizzy) April 22, 2020

“How to hump” under “How to fight my dad?” Major Oedipus Rex vibes.

Well I officially just got layed off of my job at Redbox so Im finally allowed to say yes there is a person inside the Redbox I was one of them and I loved it — Devon Palmer (@devonpalmers) April 20, 2020

I knew it.

Bodega cat working from home pic.twitter.com/etRzMk1lnm — J💫24ua (@PAPA_5K) April 19, 2020

Small businesses will find a way through this.

I told my sister I was going through it and she said “well go around it” — kt ϟ (@itsktle) April 20, 2020

Prepositions are so important.

Brands learning there won't be any pride festivals this summer pic.twitter.com/AxG2GjkKxY — Chris Stedman (@ChrisDStedman) April 20, 2020

“Later homo.”

god I miss being a server so much....chemically I need 1/6 of the people i interact with to be mad at me in a vague and unfixable way — helena (@freshhel) April 20, 2020

After quarantine, I solemnly swear to never be vaguely mad at a server ever again, no matter how hungry I am.

FashionNova don’t give AF. The world could be ending, everybody drowning under water and fashion nova will be like “SWOOSH!,🌊END OF THE WORLD SALE!😍 — kay🏹 (@kay_munro) April 19, 2020

Death, taxes, and Fashion Nova.

This old McDonald's is now a farm. https://t.co/KvGxDD36LL — JAC (@jac201315) April 21, 2020

E-I-E-I-O.

"men don't do drama" those dudes in the count of monte cristo beefed for 1276 pages — julian 🔮 1312 (@sightmarish) April 22, 2020

Fernand Mondego was petty AF.

onlyenemies ... for 4.95 a month i will make your life a living hell... — that one guy from that thing (@urvillageidiot) April 11, 2020

Now, this is a business model I can get behind.

remember the first week when every single freelance writer and journalist was like “my tip for working from home is to get dressed every day like you’re going to work” HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH — Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 13, 2020

[Loosens elastic on pajama pants] I have to laugh.

Jane Austen will introduce a character like “she was ugly.” — Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) April 13, 2020

Looks like comedian Marcia Belsky is using quarantine to reacquaint herself with some classic novels.

Rereading the Diary of Anne Frank. She complains way less than we do. — Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) April 13, 2020

Comedian Solomon Georgio providing another much-needed dose of perspective.

Where do you want to live in the new world order? I call Münster (because of the cheese, of course).

Graduating from undergrad in 2008 and a PhD program in 2020 is *chef’s kiss* — Alyssa Bowen 4 Black Lives (@AlyssaAnnBowen) April 15, 2020

That’s what you get for being incredibly smart.

Fox chyron writer keeps mistaking colons for commas. pic.twitter.com/BfSshQUwvS — Eric Columbus (@EricColumbus) April 16, 2020

A vital lesson on the importance of grammar and punctuation.

Do snitches still get stitches in the age of social distancing? How would that work, logistically speaking? I wonder …

Somedays I just want to reply emails with “ok” and this picture: pic.twitter.com/j0TXrVtkOw — Mirelle Ortega (@moxvi_) April 1, 2020

This is true in or out of quarantine, actually.

Running late for a virtual meeting that requires no commute pic.twitter.com/oIRp3Bgmo4 — T ∞ (@tveeo) March 27, 2020

You never know how long the commute will take from your bedroom to the kitchen table. Steps are so unpredictable these days.

“Gone log out for me Keke” https://t.co/a1O2z2nmg7 pic.twitter.com/N9J3ev1mx8 — WE WILL KNOCK YOU OUT FOR THE LOOOOOOORD 👊🏾💥 (@BruhMan_4thFlo) March 16, 2020

Someone get Keke into quarantine, ASAP.

#DecolonizeTheMTA.

Yes, it’s hard to stay away from your favorite bars and restaurants right now, but take a page out of comedian Mo Fry Pasic’s book and check out that new brunch spot you’ve been meaning to visit: your kitchen.

These online classes gonna be a breezepic.twitter.com/28V0U6zbBs — Cryptic (@CrypticNoOne) March 15, 2020

Sending a prayer out to every teacher who now has to conduct their class via Skype.

I slept 14 hours last night absolutely locked and fuckin loaded for a big day of hand washing and looking out the window — Blair Socci (@blairsocci) March 15, 2020

It’s so important to stay well-rested so you can focus on washing your hands, scrolling the internet, and, of course, looking out the window.

coronavirus been putting in work since 2013 but nobody noticed. now tht its successful ppl wanna act surprised lol crazy how tht work — g (@stopitg) March 15, 2020

You gotta hand it to her. She really put in the work.