50 Reasons Why I Won’t be Reading 50 Shades of Grey

I spent the weekend in L.A.

After 48 hours or so, I was run out of town by an impeccably-dressed, gorgeous mob with chiseled abs, all screaming in unison: “DEATH TO THE SQUISHY MORTAL.”

Okay, fine. I’m exaggerating.

They actually said, “LASER HAIR REMOVAL AND NO MORE DESSERT TO THE SQUISHY MORTAL.”

Which is way worse, I’m sure you’ll agree.

But hey, a vicious mob is a great way to meet new people.

“You wield a torch like a pro!” or “OMG, that pitchfork matches your earrings!” are good ice breakers.

So is talking about your spouse. He came up several times, and one or two folks were absolutely tickled when they heard that he was a tech CEO in Seattle.

“So, is he Christian Grey?” asked one Los Angeleno. Cue laughter from the crowd.

This is what I’m now up against when I travel. People find out I’m a Seattle native, and that Rand owns a small tech company, and they immediately mention 50 Shades of Grey – the new erotic novel by British author E.L. James that happens to take place in my hometown. I haven’t read the book, and I know how the adage goes, but here I am, judging it by its cover (and its reviews. And the impression it’s left on my friends).

Apparently the lead character, a young, virginal, awkward woman by the name of Anastasia Steele (Sigh. Really?), falls madly in love with Christian Grey, a 26-year-old, fluent-in-French, gorgeous billionaire tech-mogul with a penchant for BDSM.

Forgive me, but everything I’ve heard makes it sound absolutely ridiculous. And while it’s topping everyone’s summer reading lists, I won’t be touching it.

Here are my 50 reasons why:

And here’s the one reason why I might read it:

It sounds hilarious.

–

Weigh in, kids. What do you think? The comments are open.

Share this Post