Thursday, Nov. 7th, 2019, Coin Jazeera News Desk

After a long and arduous bear market, our reporters have seen a recent mass exodus of Blockchain and Crypto companies from the United States towards China, Russia, Malta, and other scam-friendly countries that use Telegram, WeChat and AliPay to “conduct totally legal business.” Determined to find out why this brain drain of “talent” was emigrating from the US, we put our team and veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille hot on the case after rescuing him from the Chinese prison camp in our last article. The results of our investigation were (not at all) shocking.

It’s easier to scam abroad. CZ

Founder of the “Changpang Gangbang” and also Binance.

Translation: “Don’t ruin the scam you anorexic white devil or I’ll end you.” – CZ

Our reporters discovered that after the SEC started actually enforcing the law and cracking down on ICO fundraising, re-selling SAFTs on unregistered secondary markets, and trading illegal securities on exchanges, the opportunities to scam in the United States dried up. Things got especially bad when David Marcus literally ruined Crypto for all of us by drawing unwanted attention to the industry with Facebook’s attempt to take over the world.

The eyes of government are now on our industry and the SEC is cracking down twice as hard. It is at this point in my career that I realize it is time to go to greener pastures, like China. I see a bright future in unregulated markets. Brian Armstrong

CEO of Coinbase Asia

Jealous of the profits being made by scam exchanges like Binance, Kucoin, Huobi, and Bitfinex, Coinbase has become the latest in a series of Crypto exchanges leaving the United States to make money off of degenerate Asian gamblers abroad. Their flight from the US is joined by Bittrex, FTX, and Poloniex (which was recently purchased by Justin Sun after he realized the only way left to make money in Crypto is to own a shitcoin exchange in Asia).

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With the Crypto well now dried up thanks to the SEC, the scammers and crypto opportunists now needed a place to go. Some went to Puerto Rico to pay no taxes and grow pot for Brock Pierce, some went to Malta to rub shoulders with CZ and beg for scraps, and the Eastern European ICO Community Managers all went back to Russia after Vladamir Putin shut down his KGB-Sponsored Prostitution Ring meant to collect intelligence on Crypto nerds in San Francisco. Codename: “Women in Blockchain.”

By deeply penetrating Russian intelligence agent Maria Butina, Patrick Byrne brought down Putin’s KGB operation while sacrificing his own company Overstock.com

(but don’t feel bad, he made sure to dump all his shares beforehand — what a patriot!)

Photo courtesy of The New York Times

Our reporters caught up with Blockstack CEO, Muneeb Ali, who was known as one of the last Crypto CEOs remaining in the United States who was playing by the rules. We were horrified to learn that after following all SEC guidance around doing a regulated securities offering he had capitulated and turned to the dark side by listing on Binance instead of any other US exchange. When we asked him why he turned his back on the US he said “The United States has made it literally impossible to make money without scamming in Asia. I was forced to sell my soul to CZ for a dollar, or should I say, a Yuan. This is a low moment for our industry.”

When we asked several anonymous Crypto expats if they would ever come back to the United States they were skeptical. “Not until the United States abolishes these barbaric accreditation laws. The US is thinking backwards and making a huge mistake by protecting retail investors. I believe in a laissez-faire economy. Everybody deserves to be scammed equally. How else will we grow as a true capitalist country? Until then, our focus will be on Asia.”

Our reporters only hope is that Dan Larimer can think of just one more project to launch and leave to re-spark this whole market and the entrepreneurial spirit of the United States.

“In Asia it’s still 2017!”

Photo courtesy of Freepik

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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