When a bumbling toddler bumps into a wall, it shakes his confidence. After all, it can be kind of sore, and the emotional shock of it is almost too much to bear – and so you’ve got to step in with a few kind words of support and a tasty treat or two in order to try and build him back up. A rich tea biscuit or a goofy smile will usually do the trick.

But if your emotionally underdeveloped child is actually an orange megalomaniac in charge of the most powerful country on the planet, it could take a bit more than a biscuit. In the case of Donald Trump, it apparently takes a testosterone-induced, televised pep rally.

That’s right. He’s only been a month on the job, and already Trump has planned himself a flashy pity party. At 5pm on Saturday afternoon demure conservatives will be corralled into an airplane hangar in Melbourne, Florida, to show the world just how much they love Donald Trump and his constantly evolving principles.

Translation: we have officially hit rock bottom.

Donald Trump is the new Richard Nixon

OK, so there’s nothing terribly odd about a leader exercising a bit of pomp and circumstance in front of a few thousand fawning fanatics. That’s how politics works. But normally when the President of the United States holds a flamboyant rally, it’s to launch a major initiative or make some landmark announcement. Donald Trump hasn’t got anything new or useful to tell us – he’s just down in the dumps.

He should be down, too. The opening act of his presidency has been one train-wreck after another.

Trump’s shoddy cabinet appointments have already sparked mass protests and bipartisan fury. His so-called Muslim ban has been shot down twice in court, and the dark cloud of a seedy Russian state rains on Trump’s every parade like a golden shower that never ends. The Oval Office has already seen at least one major resignation, and voters are up in arms over Trump’s decision to silence government agencies and turn his back on proven scientific facts that don’t suit his political agenda.

We’re literally only 28 days into a four-year deal, and already Donald Trump is suffering the lowest approval rating we’ve seen in decades. The poor sod has even been accused of dragging his own cheering section from press conference to press conference and tweeting about nonexistent fans waiting for him at the roadside in a pathetic effort to show a media he clams to despise that not everybody in America thinks he’s doing a horrible job.

The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Show all 9 1 /9 The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and the media White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer takes questions during the daily press briefing Getty Images The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and the Trans-Pacific Partnership Union leaders applaud US President Donald Trump for signing an executive order withdrawing the US from the Trans-Pacific Partnership negotiations during a meeting in the Roosevelt Room of the White House in Washington DC. Mr Trump issued a presidential memorandum in January announcing that the US would withdraw from the trade deal Getty The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and the Mexico wall A US Border Patrol vehicle sits waiting for illegal immigrants at a fence opening near the US-Mexico border near McAllen, Texas. The number of incoming immigrants has surged ahead of the upcoming Presidential inauguration of Donald Trump, who has pledged to build a wall along the US-Mexico border. A signature campaign promise, Mr Trump outlined his intention to build a border wall on the US-Mexico border days after taking office Getty Images The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and abortion US President Donald Trump signs an executive order as Chief of Staff Reince Priebus looks on in the Oval Office of the White House. Mr Trump reinstated a ban on American financial aide being granted to non-governmental organizations that provide abortion counseling, provide abortion referrals, or advocate for abortion access outside of the United States Getty Images The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and the Dakota Access pipeline Opponents of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines hold a rally as they protest US President Donald Trump's executive orders advancing their construction, at Columbus Circle in New York. US President Donald Trump signed executive orders reviving the construction of two controversial oil pipelines, but said the projects would be subject to renegotiation Getty Images The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and 'Obamacare' Nancy Pelosi who is the minority leader of the House of Representatives speaks beside House Democrats at an event to protect the Affordable Care Act in Los Angeles, California. US President Donald Trump's effort to make good on his campaign promise to repeal and replace the healthcare law failed when Republicans failed to get enough votes. Mr Trump has promised to revisit the matter Getty Images The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Donald Trump and 'sanctuary cities' US President Donald Trump signed an executive order in January threatening to pull funding for so-called "sanctuary cities" if they do not comply with federal immigration law AP The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and the travel ban US President Donald Trump has attempted twice to restrict travel into the United States from several predominantly Muslim countries. The first attempt, in February, was met with swift opposition from protesters who flocked to airports around the country. That travel ban was later blocked by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. The second ban was blocked by a federal judge a day before it was scheduled to be implemented in mid-March SANDY HUFFAKER/AFP/Getty Images The controversial orders Donald Trump has already issued Trump and climate change US President Donald Trump sought to dismantle several of his predecessor's actions on climate change in March. His order instructed the Environmental Protection Agency to reevaluate the Clean Power Plan, which would cap power plant emissions Shannon Stapleton/Reuters

It’s not much, but smoke, mirrors and social media are all Trump knows. After all, he isn’t a statesman – he’s a showman. The Donald made his name building gaudy, golden hotels for the embarrassingly wealthy and slagging off Meat Loaf’s salesmanship on prime time TV. He’s got no clue what judicial reviews are or how a bill is passed through congress, and as a result, America’s loudest 70-year-old billionaire has now run smack-bang into the corner of an Ikea side table.

Like any other rambunctious toddler, Donald Trump’s gusto and fearlessness have consequently taken a big hit.

That’s why it will now rest on crestfallen conservatives and dutiful aides to hand the President a biscuit, tussle his peculiar hair and give the guy a little undeserved positive reinforcement. For a few brief moments tonight, Donald Trump will be able to climb up on stage, soak up the rented lights of a crowded air hanger and make believe he’s the most popular man on the planet.