Times are hard. You’re here to look at mullets and mullet adjacent hairstyles. There will be words following these mullets. You don’t even have to read those. You can just skip from mullet to mullet without even worrying about the tiny symbols coalescing to form the arbitrary meanings we’ve ascribed to them.

There will be words like “coalescing” and “arbitrary” and “them” which have no real purpose other than to guide you to the next mullet. In fact, you’ve already skipped well past this opening paragraph. You’re not here to read. We know why you’re here. And I know I get paid by the word.*

*I do not.

Marcelo Balboa

I bet you didn’t know when the members of Metallica join together into one Metallica Voltron they make 127 appearances for US men’s national team.

Leonel Alvarez

This picture just kicked me in the throat. Once I regained the ability to breathe, I said thank you. Then I asked for another.

Iain Fraser

You’re in Vail, Colorado. You’re sitting in the lodge. The fire is warm. The snow is fresh. The latest hit from The Bangles plays over the AM radio. Iain Fraser is there. He’s just stolen your girlfriend. You’re going to race him later for the fate of the cool dance club at the base of the mountain. You’re very concerned about how you got here when the last thing you remember is falling asleep on your couch, but people are actually outside and wearing something called Tommy Hilfiger and you think it might be ok to stay awhile and figure out how to ski.

John Doyle

“Hi, person in charge of signing players for the San Jose Clash.”

“Hey, person in charge of branding for the San Jose Clash.”

“So, you know our sick jerseys we have that will probably last forever?”

“Of course, timeless.”

“We were thinking...you know what everyone has here in 1996?”

“A vague understanding of what the internet is?”

“No. Well, yes, but we were thinking of something even more universal: Hair.”

“Hair?”

“Yes, hair. Almost everyone has it. It’s very relatable, just like our beloved nickname, the Clash.”

“Of course, we all clash from time to time.”

“Of course. So...what if we found a player with hair that perfectly fit our great uniforms and nickname?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Marco Etcheverry

El Diablo was called El Diablo after the entity he made a deal with to have perfect hair.

Steve Trittschuh

If you don’t…

If you don’t have anything…

If you don’t have anything nice…

If…

...

Beaker from the Muppets in the front, Die Hard villain in the back. There I said it, do you feel better. I don’t, I bet he’s an extremely nice guy, why do we do this to each other?

Antony De Avila

Antony’s hair wasn’t at the height of its powers in New York, but it was still excellent enough to have the dripping wet look of a man who had just finished a promo for WCW at all times.

Juan Toja

THIS IS THE CHANGE OF PACE WE NEEDED.

I am overcome with joy at the breath of fresh air Toja has provided. Largely because he’s the first of these guys to have the modern sensibilities of a man in a My Chemical Romance cover band. This is the first in this list that comes from a new era that really thrived in the mid-2000s and became hard for people to recover from in the early 2010s. Toja had this look in 2012 and I respect him so much for just going out there and saying “we’ll carry on” with this look.

Benny Feilhaber

Why words when picture?

Landon Donovan (jk)

Ok we’re cheating here, but you absolutely needed to see this.

Fortunately for Landon, he would go on to get a shorter cut and never make a fashion blunder like this ag--