WASHINGTON—According to reports, the American people are currently rubbing their hands in anticipation for whatever vile, disgusting garbage the internet will eventually puke up across a variety of news outlets, blogs, social media networks, and comment sections today. “Man oh man, I literally cannot wait to see what foul shit the web smears across my computer screen,” said Massachusetts resident Andrew Renzi, 29, before eagerly checking out the latest despicable offal and sludge Facebook, Twitter, CNN.com, and Reddit had recently coughed up. “What’s it gonna be? A horrid slideshow spewed from the pits of internet hell designed to appeal to the basest form of human intelligence? A poisonous stream of racist comment threads? Either way, I just love how you can always count on the net to deliver a rancid, steaming plate of feces fresh to your browser every morning.” At press time, Renzi had breathlessly clicked on a link to a story about Elvis’ connection to Michael Jackson’s death.

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