Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Asexual Dom

I’m confused about my sexuality. For many years, I thought I preferred heteroromantic asexual relationships. Exposure to select reading material—thanks to the corrupting influence of my gender studies classes—has convinced me that I am an asexual t-type (i.e., "top," but I prefer not to use such connotative terms) female who is attracted to slight and feminine men. I do not want to take off my clothes or engage in oral, anal, digital, or vaginal sex. Instead, I want to design sexual situations comely young gentlemen will consensually enter: CBT, whippings, strategically placed piercings, fisting, and restraints on dudes—all of that seems appealing. To make matters worse, I’ve never been in a sexual situation or romantic relationship in my life. I am 23. Extremely low self-esteem and a lack of trust in other people—especially men who are attracted to females—prevented me from reaching out to others, let alone informing a potential partner about my unusual interests. Fortunately, extensive therapy sessions have improved my self-image and willingness to take risks. Developing a romantic friendship with a potential partner is essential; I doubt I will have much luck on the internet or at munches given that so many men doubt the existence of exclusively t-type females. I also don’t fit or wish to fit the stereotypical Bettie Page-esque image of a t-type female. Dressing up in PVC and playing Mistress is not my thing. (The men can dress up or down as much as they want.) What the hell should I do? Do you have any recommended how-to guides or communities for t-type females? Beyond Envisioning Any Solutions T-type P.S. I’m trapped in the closet.

You should go to munches and put yourself out there on the internet, BEAST, because in both those places/spaces you'll meet—I promise you—other t-type/Dominant women and the men who love to worship them and suffer for them.

Your knowledge of the BDSM/kink/fetish community seems pretty distorted—it sounds like your exposure has been limited to reading materials distributed in your gender studies classes—but I can assure you, BEAST, that there are men out there, some of them slight and feminine, who not only don't doubt the existence of exclusively t-type/Dominant females, but are actively seeking exclusively t-type/Dominant females. But you're not going to find them under the rocks in your garden or at the back of your fridge. You're going to have to enter the kinky places/spaces to meet kinky guys.

There's another type of person in those kinky spaces/places you need to meet: mentors.

It's particularly important for someone with your interests—CBT, whippings, strategically placed piercings, and fisting are not JV kinks—to meet, speak with, and be mentored by knowledgable players. CBT, whippings, piercings, etc. are varsity-level skill sets that take time to acquire. You're going to need instruction from people with experience before you start torturing a guy's balls or sticking needles through the head of his cock or his nipples, BEAST, as you could do serious and lasting damage to someone winging that shit. Munches are your best bet for meeting the players and educators in your area who take mentorship seriously. Be open about who you are (a t-type female/Dominant woman), your ideal partners (slight and feminine sub guys who are into SM, not sex), and your experience level (completely nonexistent). Ask about classes, do the reading , and don't do anyone/anything that makes you uncomfortable.

You know who else you'll meet in the kink scene? Women who don't fit stereotypical Bettie Page-esque images, women who don't dress up in PVC, and women who don't play Mistress games—but you'll also meet women who enjoy doing all of those things, BEAST, as well as women who could take or leave Bettie Page drag and Mistress games, etc., but who dress up because it turns their partners on and/or attracts the kind of men/women/SOPATGS they're interested in restraining and torturing. When someone is indulging you (a slight and feminine guy is giving you his cock and balls to torture), it's simple good manners to indulge that person yourself (by letting him call you "Mistress," if that's something he enjoys, or by pulling on a little PVC).

And give yourself permission to grow—or to continue growing. You used to think you were one thing (a heteroromantic asexual) and now you realize you may be another thing entirely (an asexual t-type/Dominant female who is attracted to slight and feminine men). Who knows what you'll learn about yourself once you actually starting exploring your asexuality/sexuality? (Also... you do realize that for most guys into hardcore BDSM—particularly hardcore masochists—CBT and whippings and piercings count as sex? Not as foreplay, not as a substitute for sex, but as sex? Are you okay with your playmates experiencing your interactions as sexual even if you're experiencing them differently? Something to sort out before you have some slight and feminine guy's balls in your hands.)

P.S. You're not actually trapped in the closet. The door isn't locked. It never was.