By Chris Wright

It goes without saying that Barcelona are capable of stunning feats of footballing prowess but, when threatened by talented opponents, a reprehensible, deeply-ingrained “hive mind” kicks in and (by and large) every single player on the pitch begins resorting to the most heinous and undignified acts of gamesmanship in order to nullify the game and turn it to mush.

Encapsulated in the groan-inducing GIF below is all that is wrong with FC Barcelona as a cowardly, gestalt entity – summed up eloquently in a two-second loop of footage taken from the closing minutes of the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup last week…

Disgraceful. Have you ever seen anything quite so disgusting? Crisitan Rodriguez passes the ball off to Jordi Alba for a throw-in and Alba, without a second thought, collapses in “agony” like he’s been harpooned in the stomach. How can supposedly grown men act with such little dignity? It’s insidiously vile is what it is.

And, yes, I’m well aware that Barca are far from alone in the field, but they’re supposed to be the best club side in the world – or so the propaganda would have us believe.

Simply falling over under pressure to win easy freekicks; screaming into the turf in simulated agony after every foul; the arching of spines, the flailing of limbs; the incessant crowding and haranguing of officials; the constant hypocritical pleas for “protection”: these are the reserve of the desperate, the inferior – surely the best footballing side in the world don’t need to resort to such spineless tactics?

Frankly, I’d rather watch a mange-infested Border Collie regurgitate its breakfast on a 90-minute loop than sit through most Barca games. They are astoundingly boring in the worst way possible.

The worst part being, of course, that it could all be stamped out in a heartbeat if there was any kind of deterrent in place. Yet, no, it’s routinely pandered to week in, week out. I know there are people out there who think I’m being paranoid and vitriolic, but this is a nebulous cancer that needs nipping quickly.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully and accurately express my ravenous loathing for Barca’s (and whoever else’s) rotten “Plan B” but let it be known – I detest it with every…single…fibre of my being.

Gah.

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