Washington D.C.—

According to several Democratic staffers, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has agreed to a new House impeachment strategy of releasing one new article of impeachment against President Donald Trump each week for as many weeks as it takes Mr. Trump to resign.

A staffer on the House Democratic leadership team anonymously supplied an audio tape of Mrs. Pelosi explaining the strategy.

The following are her words:

“Trump thinks he escaped because Republicans gave him their balls by refusing to subpoena Bolton. I’ve got news for the President: I’ve got his balls, and I’m going to squeeze until he screams ‘uncle!’ Mitch McConnell can’t mess with me any longer. He wants to play games with the Senate trials, that’s fine with me. Starting next week, we’ll pass a new article of impeachment each week, and make McConnell have to spend every waking hour of every day in ceaseless Trump impeachment trials. They’ll never get to confirm another unqualified, idiot conservative federal judge again. And, meanwhile, we’ll bombard Pompeo, Mulvaney, Bolton, Giuliani and McGahn’s brains out with lawsuits and subpoenas until they get on their knees and beg me to make all the litigation stop. Oh, they’ll squeal. When they’re spendings thousands of dollars on lawyers every week filing executive privilege claims on each and every individual email, memo and conversation they’ve ever had about the President, they’ll squeal like stuck pigs. I cannot wait to watch the President’s tiny little sausage fingers smear the tears in his eyes all over his ridiculous orange orangutan face as he realizes I’ve got him screwed while the sting of his smeared tanning lotion burns his retinas. Boys, we’re gonna grab the President by his crotch because when I, Nancy Pelosi, am Speaker of the House, I’ll do whatever the F I want! Someone get me an orange case of tic-tacs, I’m gonna take the President furniture shopping and move on him like a bitch.”

You go, girl.

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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