LAKE BLUFF, IL—Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present without my one decent pair of scissors,” said Jay, 30, as she tore through her home in search of the Fiskars premier craft scissors she’d paid over $15 for at Michael’s. “I don’t know what asshole moved them from the one fucking place they’re supposed to be, but now I guess I’m going to be forced to make do with the kitchen shears or those shitty little blue ones I got from IKEA. Jesus Christ, these things can barely cut!” At press time, Jay told reporters that she had located the scissors in the other drawer.

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