After another dismal showing in this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix, McLaren boss Ron Dennis has reminded his drivers that they can have a car that works properly just as soon as they both shave.

‘There are three things Ron hates above all else,’ explained a team insider. ‘Untidyness, beards and the actress Dame Angela Lansbury. He’ll stop at nothing to avoid any of them in his life.’

Sources in Woking say that, as a result of his demented desire to ‘optimise lower face visual and textural qualities’ amongst his drivers, Dennis has ordered engineers to turn down the power output of the Honda powertrain to ‘sub-optimal quantities’ and will happily tolerate blithering about fighting for 16th place for as long as it takes to make Jenson Button and Fernando Alonso shave their faces.

‘To have one driver with a beard is bad enough for Ron, but two has pushed him over the edge,’ explained our team mole. ‘It’s as intolerable for him as finding toast crumbs on the worktop or turning on the TV to find it’s jammed on a channel showing back-to-back episodes of Murder, She Wrote.’

Ironically, McLaren’s deranged facial hair / performance blackmail stand-off is the exact opposite of the situation at Red Bull where beard enthusiast Christian Horner is secretly restricting the car’s performance until both drivers sport some kind chin fuzz. ‘Is totally unfair on Dan,’ complained a spokesman for Daniil Kvyat. ‘He is 12.’