Harry Maguire has been sent home from England’s St George’s Park training camp for wedgying teammate Jordan Henderson. Gareth Southgate wasted no time disciplining the centre half, having already dropped Raheem Sterling from Thursday’s Euro qualifier for attacking Joe Gomez.

Handbags

“It was just one of those things,” Henderson told Soccer on Sunday. “I’ve walked by and snuck a chip off Harry’s plate and he’s come after us, jammed both hands down my shorts and reefed my Y-fronts up to shoulder height. My feet have come off the ground and the force of the wedgy has dragged my enormous penis around back and up into me own arse. Handbags, to be fair.”

“The gaffer’s gone ballistic,” added the Liverpool captain. “People think Gareth’s mild-mannered, but he’s come steaming into the canteen with a baseball bat and threatened to smash up the next player who steps out of line. Harry Winks sneezed, and credit to the gaffer, he’s caved in Winksy’s nose.”

“Winksy will learn from that when to keep his nostrils shut,” said Henderson.