I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist

I’ve been congratulated as an excellent dialogist

I have degrees from all the best colleges of theology

I do not know quite what it means but I reject ontology

I understand the finer points both nuanced and theoretical

and when I go on twitter Ross Douthat calls me heretical

I’ve many sage remarks to make on what I call the Christ event

and just how many tragic deaths forbidden condoms could prevent

I much prefer to shun the works of any scholar scholastic

I find the very concept of forgiveness rather elastic

in short, as such an erudite and excellent dialogist

I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist

I’ve listed all the ways the church might deepen its humility

I send my kids to Jesuit factories of gentility

I’ve quoted bits of Newman and I’ve memorized my Bernardin

and when it comes right down to it I couldn’t name a mortal sin

I keep my Rahner library in an embossed ciborium

I purchase all my pinafores at a fair trade emporium

I sing a new church into life with quite a catchy guitar hook

And whistle all the airs from that infernal Haugen hymnal book

Then I can write decrials of a medieval mentality

and open letters calling for civil collegiality

In short as such an erudite and excellent dialogist

I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist

In fact, when l learn what’s meant by “abbot” and “episcopal”

When I have clearly understood why Mass precludes a disco ball

When I distinguish easily dissent from sensus fidei

And when I know the diff’rence twixt a rose window and rosary

When I can sing the Salve like a dutiful Gregorian

When I know all my heresies, Arian and Nestorian

In short when I have exercised my understanding to the full

A better ultramontanist never bestrode a papal bull

For though my theologic bent is bounded by this century

I’m of a temperament so fearless, plucky and adventur-y

You must admit that as an erudite elite dialogist

I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist



Clare Coffey writes from Philadelphia.

