I was sitting with my hand in the incubator, rubbing my baby’s leg when his heart rate started dropping. They were able to revive him. I was able to hold him, and just like that… he was gone.

A little background information is needed to know exactly how I got to where we are today. It first started in December 2013 when I got pregnant with my first child. He was a surprise. I was on birth control and found out I was pregnant. I am very thankful for that wonderful surprise. I had a rough pregnancy. I was sick the entire time and had high blood pressure that turned into preeclampsia. I spent my entire third trimester on bed rest and even spent one week in the hospital.

The day finally came for me to be induced. We went into the hospital at 4am on Wednesday morning excited to meet our baby boy. 30 hours later, I was no longer dilating and needed a C-section. I was terrified. Just a little while later, I had the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my arms. Nothing mattered at that moment. The horrible pregnancy, the long labor, the C-section, it was all worth holding that precious baby in my arms.

Fast forward five days… We leave the hospital to take our baby home. He has jaundice so we have a follow up appointment with the pediatrician the following day. We have a rough night considering I’ve just had major surgery and we have a brand new baby. We make it to the doctor’s appointment. They call our name. I stand up and hear my stomach rip. My incision has just opened up. I immediately get in to see my OB. I end up at the wound clinic with a wound vac that my husband has to change every other day. If you have never had, nor seen a wound vac, I will spare you the gory details. It was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.

I swore after this experience that Boston would be my only child. I was completely okay with that. And then it happened… I got baby fever. I wanted a baby so bad I couldn’t stand it. Boston was getting older and no longer wanted to be treated like a baby. I thought, “I can do this. This pregnancy will be different. All that matters is that we will have another beautiful baby to love.” I knew Boston would be a great big brother and he really needed a sibling.

WE DID IT! We got pregnant. I found out in February 2017 that I was pregnant again. I was so excited. Rob was excited and Boston became more excited the more we talked about the baby.

And then the roller coaster began. In March I started having some brown spotting. It freaked me out and brought it up to my doctor. She wasn’t very concerned at first. Within the next few days, the brown started turning to blood. I called my doctor and she had me come in for some blood work. My progesterone level was low so she had me take progesterone pills for 2 weeks.

Things were better. No more bleeding. No high blood pressure. All of my appointments were normal. The baby was growing as he was supposed to, I had no sickness. This pregnancy was completely different than my first. As my pregnancy progressed, I was so happy that I was not having any more complications and it looked as though I was going to have a normal pregnancy. I wanted to have a VBAC (the horrible section the first time around scarred me) and it looked as though that was going to happen.

Some things happened at my doctor’s office that I was unhappy with, and I decided to switch doctors for personal reasons.

SO… Here we are. We are switching doctors, I am halfway through my pregnancy and everything seems to be going well. And then BOOM! I am 22 weeks and 1 day. I have not yet been to my new doctor. I wake up and it feels like I have peed my pants. There are spots of blood in my underwear. I scream for my husband and he tells me to call the doctor.

I get an examination, the swab to check for amniotic fluid, and an ultrasound. During the ultrasound the doctor looks at me and tells me there is very little fluid. We walk down the hall to his office. “You’re water broke.” Those are the only words I remember from that office. I remember lots of tears and he kept talking explaining what was going to happen next. I took those words in at the time, but now I cannot recall what was said.

My water broke on Thursday 6/8/17. I was on bed rest until Tuesday when I was to go to the Perinatal Center. We packed bags, packed up our 2 year old and the goldfish and got ready to be admitted to the hospital until our baby is born.

I was admitted to Fort Sanders Regional on 6/13/17. I laid in the hospital bed, was monitored once and then twice a day, went to ultrasounds twice a week, and missed my sweet Boston for 7 weeks. I had some bleeding throughout due to placenta previa, but that resolved. Everything seemed to be going well. I thought I would be there until he was ready to come out and we would have another healthy baby. On 7/27, I began heavily bleeding. I was put on the monitor and it wasn’t long until we were rolled to pre-op.

Ellison Grey was born 7/27/17 by emergency C-section. Pediatricians from Children’s Hospital were there waiting in the next room. They pulled him out and allowed Rob to look at him. They took him to the next room and started stitching me up. I went to recovery where we waited for them to bring Ellis to see us and to tell us what was going on.

The pediatrician and nurses come in. Ellis is in the incubator on a ventilator. His lungs are only developed at 21 weeks. They have to take him as quickly as possible to put him on an oscillator. I don’t get to touch my baby.

Later that night, I get to go see my baby. He is now on the oscillator and doing better. Over the five days, we are on a roller coaster with his oxygen levels and such. He is doing really well considering everything stacked against him. The doctors and nurses are surprised at how well he is doing. On the fifth day, he required a blood transfusion. All of the blood work had left him low so he needed the blood to help his body focus on healing other areas.

I stayed the night in the NICU that night. The next morning Rob came to spend the day with us. We ate breakfast in the family room and went back to the room to plan our day. The doctor came in and stared at the ventilator for awhile. He then turns to us and tells us he is concerned by some blood work. He also tells us Ellison’s lungs sound wet.

He has an infection. The next few hours are a blur of tears, tests, doctors, nurses, and more tears. The doctor finally tells us that nothing they are doing is working. He says they will keep trying, but it doesn’t look promising.

I was sitting with my hand in the incubator, rubbing my baby’s leg when his heart rate started dropping. They were able to revive him. I was able to hold him, and just like that… he was gone.

I am starting this blog for my own therapy. I hope that through healing myself I can touch other mothers that are trying to cope with infant loss. Whether you lost your infant moments after birth or years later, I hope that I can be a safe place for women dealing with the greatest loss I have ever known.