The following is satirical.

A bombshell in the press today. A shadowy anonymous source within a sinister intelligence agency trying to overthrow the results of a legal election has stepped out of the shadows into even deeper shadows to reveal that President Donald Trump has not returned a library book he took out over seven weeks ago.

At the New York Times, a former newspaper, printers needed two workers to carry each of the enormous letters that would spell out the headline declaring the story, while at the same time one of the workers carried in his pocket the entire text of the correction that would retract the story later in the day.

Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third, speaking to his staff at a cell meeting of the Union of Soviet Socialist Journalists, said, “We built our newsroom to cover one intelligence-driven hoax that ended up leaving us humiliated and discredited, so I’m happy to announce that everything is already in place for us to cover this one.”

At CNN, Anchorwoman Shapely Nudnick, told her audience as she rushed across the airport to catch her connection to Topeka, “Up until now, I have refused to get on the impeachment train, but a continual drumbeat of phony Trump scandals from anonymous sources meant to distract the public from the corruption of the Obama intelligence community has finally made me utterly hysterical. The dam is breaking, the walls are closing in, and this is the beginning of the end that marks a tipping point of walls and dams and, oh my God, someone bring me my Ativan, I need to lie down.”

At NBC, Chuck Todd, who doesn’t need a made-up funny name because he’s already a parody of himself, told the mirror in his dressing room, “This is very serious. You can tell because I have my serious face on. If this gets any more serious, I may even wear glasses to look more serious than my serious face already looks.”

Stay tuned for more baseless accusations as they come in.

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