THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon. The plans reveal the amazing benefits the UK will enjoy from October 31st.

Transport

Without unnecessary ‘kilometres’ on our cars’ speedometers, British vehicles will be able to go twice as fast perfectly safely. Trucks will not need to queue to cross the channel because they can simply jump it like Evel Knievel.

Medicines

Our country’s vital medical services will no longer be monopolised by untrustworthy experts gabbling in Latin. Instead, all remedies will be provided by the good, honest village wise-woman – or ‘witch’ – who will cure you with a handful of tiny spiders.

Food supplies

Food imports will decrease magnificently, meaning Britons will no longer be forced to eat foreign garbage. Our world-beating chefs will refocus on decent British crops like turnips and the mighty swede, accompanied by eels – all the more delicious because you caught them yourself with a shoelace and a safety pin.

Northern Ireland

If there’s no border between Northern Ireland and Ireland then Ireland is Northern Ireland and British again, just like it always should have been. How the EU was too stupid to spot that is a mystery.

Protests

Protests against how brilliant life is after Brexit are expected from sour-grapes Remainers desperate to make everyone as mediocre as them. They are to be pitied.