Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization declared an international public health emergency:


Q: What is the Zika virus?

A: The subject of your mother’s next phone call to you.

Q: How is the Zika virus transmitted?

A: The virus is primarily transmitted through sexual contact with mosquitoes.


Q: Who is at risk of being infected by the Zika virus?

A: You; your loved ones.

Q: Where can the Zika virus be contracted?

A: The virus will likely remain confined to Central and South America unless people in other parts of the world start having sex or going outside.


Q: How contagious is Zika?

A: The infection is easily spread through the dozens of alarmist articles about Zika posted online each hour.

Q: Do I have Zika?

A: Yes.

Q: Has the government issued any alerts about Zika?

A: The CDC is urging Americans to leave all wombs immediately.


Q: Is there a relationship between Guillain-Barré syndrome and the Zika virus?

A: Well, well, well! Looks like someone read the Zika virus Wikipedia entry.

Q: How will this affect the upcoming 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?

A: It should actually be a pretty welcome distraction from the rampant political corruption, serious financial problems, and massive anti-government protests already plaguing the 2016 Games.


Q: What measures should be taken to prevent Zika infection?

A: Befriend the local mosquito population by opening your window and setting out an appeasement of sugar water on the windowsill.