Kellyanne Conway’s Mysterious Disappearances Explained

My Alternative interview with the President’s Counsel.

Conway seen here in the nth-Alladinian dimension texting Bannon about some shit she just saw that’s weirder than his pus pustules. [Image source: Reddit.com]

There’s an electrifying sensation jolting my entire body senseless and intermittent bursts of blinding blue light. Exactly 2.67 seconds later, I find myself electromagnetically suspended midair and upside down from a dark cloud with a bong in my hand. The bong has a tube connecting it to the cloud and I can’t shake it off. It feels right anyway, so I don’t try too hard to get rid of it. A glance to my right eases my anxiety as Kellyanne Conway’s blurred image comes into focus. I was worried this whole trip would be pointless. She’s hooked to the ubiquitous cloud in a similar fashion and doesn’t seem particularly thrilled to see me staring at her.

KC: (viciously scowling) How did you find me?

ME: The moving company that helped O’Reilly haul his stuff from the Fox News offices.

KC: Yeah? How so? Did you blow the driver (chuckles silently amazed at herself for the timely dig).

ME: No..I’m not gay..not that there’s anything wrong with it. I’m against using sex for any sorts of favors unless it involves saving cats.

KC: That’s very noble of you..

ME: Thanks.

KC: I’m being sarcastic. And are you sure you’re not gay? You really kind of look it. ALL you Liberals are gay to a certain degree. You don’t respect the scripture or basic human decency.

ME: Really? See..that’s another reason I’m here. I can’t tell when you or your boss are being serious.

KC: I hate cats…seriously.

ME: (A dreaded urge hounds my bladder. I’ve recently discovered Red Bull comes in an apple flavor and haven’t been holding back.) Where’s the bathroom? (I ask half heartedly…I hate public loo-ing.)

KC: (Brushing me off..) You just go..kinda like an astronaut without the million dollar diaper (adds nonchalantly with a tinge of callousness.)

ME: That’s alright. I think I’ll just hold it. So..anyway, I followed the moving truck and found out the storage facility where Bill was stashing his stuff and broke in. I figured if I sifted through all the sexual deviance paraphernalia, I’d chance upon something that’d lead me to you. I found the directions to the vortex in Central Park …and here I am.

(Lifts an eyebrow with slightly irked interest)

KC: That’s…quite savvy of you.

ME:(suspiciously) Wait…are you being sarcastic?

KC: No..I think it was pretty smart on your part.

ME: Thanks..I read a lot of Nancy Drew as a child. What is this place?

KC: (Shrugging and sighing with exasperation) Purgatory..

(I do a double take and almost inexplicably detach from the cloud. I was hoping to have landed in a parallel universe festered with brain-sucking maniacal tadpoles..religious supernature is a little out of my bounds. By now, Conway is looking blissful and smiling ..a bit too much for my liking. I’ve come to learn that anytime a Conservative smiles, something bad in my life happens. I chalk it up as something to do with the bong in this particular situation.)

KC: Yep. Welcome to purgatory my friend. This is where souls…

(I interrupt her impatiently and with a hint of fear)

ME: I know what purgatory is.

KC: (Lovingly tending her bong with two wholesome puffs) Okay. Good. But do you know why I intentionally come here?

ME: As a matter of fact..No.

KC: Didn’t think so. So now will you let me finish?

ME: Don’t let me stop you

KC: I won’t ( she quips somehow threateningly). This dorky NASA scientist discovered a way to traverse worlds two years ago. We found the files in a bugged microwave and called him in for a chat at the White House. He taught us how to work a fuck timey-traveley gizmo. We then had it placed surreptitiously behind a giant novelty swan in the southwest corner of Central Park where you found it. I come here to unwind months at a time. And survive by sucking the essence out of dead people’s souls…with this here bong.

ME: Aren’t you worried that someone might get pissed at what you’re doing ..saayy Satan and kill or torture you? Very likely both? Most of these souls belong to him (I gesture at the dark cloud harboring the afterlife spirits)

KC: No (with finality and an air of importance.)

ME: Okay. Why aren’t Trump and the rest of his staffers here?

(Looks at me with a disturbingly forlorn look and smiles slyly before bursting out laughing.)

KELLY: They’re a bunch of pussies! Grown ass men scared of a little soul sucking..and the devil.

ME: Yeah..(I look around nervously with my eyes darting wildly) I hate pussies. (I add conspiratorially.)

KC: I knew it. Gay.

ME: No ..I mean…never mind. Do demons or angels come here to claim these or ….

KC: Nah..When the time comes, they just fade away to hell or heaven. You can tell the ones that are headed to hell because they have bloody tears dripping down their faces.

ME: Who else knows about this besides you guys and O’Reilly? (With a sudden realization, I follow up) Is this where Tiffany hides too?

KC: Everyone at Fox…and Breitbart knows. I think the NY Parks and Recreation Director did too, but we scraped that department last month. As for Tiffany, I’d tell you, but I’d have to convert you into a Republican..or have you murdered…gruesomely.

ME: ( I ponder momentarily about what’s worse and decide to turn down both offers).Hmm…That sounds about right. When are you coming back.

KC: I don’t know. I kind of like it here. Plus the FBI and CIA have too much on us. I think our days are numbered. I’d like to be here when the shit hits the fan. Enough about me closet boy. What’s your story?

ME: Oh..I’m a writer on Medium.

KC: What the fuck is a median. Is that some sort of gay reference?

ME: No. It’s a blog of blogs..a platform where people exchange ideas through reading and writing as opposed to memes and 20-second videos.

KC: Dorks (offers knowingly)

ME: (undeterred , I forge ahead)..Anyway, from my understanding, Ev Williams had a lot to do with founding it.

KC: Bless his soul…I mean..heart.

ME: (visibly shocked) You like Ev? But he’s a communistic snowflake with a bleeding heart…a quite outspoken one as a matter of fact. What gives?

KC: Well, as you probably know, he also had something to do with Twitter’s invention..sooo…you seem fairly reasonable..need I say more?

ME: Oh..right. He apologized about that the other day. I read a piece in the New York Times about it.

KC: ..Figures. Fuck him then. I suppose there’re no Conservative writers in this Median bubble you speak of.

ME: Medium. Not many. I guess they find it hard to defend the plutocracy, lunacy, misogyny, nepotism..and so forth.

KC: Amateurs..when this gig is done I’m signing up and showing them how it’s done.

ME: Well, I must take my leave. It’s been nice talking to you.

KC: I don’t care.

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