There are not many things in this universe that get me more excited than Tommy Chong at 4:19 P.M. on April 20th in Amsterdam, but a Beer Festival happens to be one them. For those of you that have never heard of this amazing phenomenon, here is a brief description that should make you feel worse than Homer Simpson after he eats his soul donut, for not knowing about these events sooner. A beer festival is comparable to Comic Con, except instead of all the comics and fan boys dressed in tights, there is a shit ton of beer.

In other words these events attempt to showcase the best craft beer our wonderful planet has to offer, and for a reasonable fee, you get to taste all the hops and barley your belly and brain can handle. Furthermore, most of these events pair their adult sodas with other mantastic goodies, including but not limited to food, spirits, party paraphernalia, and many more products that make men swoon like fashionistas smack dab in the middle of the Avenue des Champs-Elysées in Paris.

On September 28, 2013 The Big Brew Beer Festival took over The Morristown Armory and dropped a proverbial beer bomb barrage on Morris County that will from this point on be known as the Belch that was heard around the world. After taking some lumps after last year’s event, to say The Big Brew Beer Festival improved slightly, is like saying that Breaking Bad was kind of a good show. It was apparent that the head honchos of the Big Brew Beer Festival not only took every complaint from last year seriously, they took this year as a challenge to make The Big Brew Beer Festival into what they envisioned it could become from the very beginning. Their hard work and dedication created a Craft Beer event that New Jersians could be proud of. Which is no simple accomplishment considering that Grumpy Cat ain’t got nothing on us Jersey folk. We can hate on literally anything!

There were three ticket options for the two sessions of hoppy shenanigans at The Big Brew Beer Festival. One could purchase a V.I.P. ticket for $75.00, a general admission ticket for $45.00, or a designated driver ticket for a measly $10.00, which happened to come with 1,000 Karma Points for making sure your inebriated friends got home safely. The V.I.P tickets granted you access to the event one hour earlier than the general public, entrance to the V.I.P. beer area, and free food from the Morris Tap & Grill V.I.P. spread.

Now it is the time that I stand on my soapbox that is obviously filled with beer bottles, and preach to my congregation. My fellow foodies and craft beer geeks, I ask you one very simple question? Was there really ever a choice of what ticket we had to purchase? I mean honestly, if you consider yourself even a half-ass Cicerone or Gourmand the list of beers and food that the V.I.P. ticket offered was worth well more than the $30.00 dollars extra you paid, not to mention the one-hour head start. If you screwed up and purchased the general admission ticket this time around, I will let it slide and not report you to your respective guilds, but remember for next time, and there will be a next time, you can scrimp and save on health care, car insurance, and your significant others but never, not ever, on food and drink!

What was that? Do we have some non-believers in the crowd? Let me drop some hop –knowledge on you in the form of the V.I.P. beer list:

Tuckahoe Brewing Co. – Holly Beach Pumpkin Ale

Ommegang – Game of Thrones “Take the Black”

Duvel – Tripel Hop

Captain Lawrence – Xtra Gold

Brooklyn – Silver Anniversary

Starr Hill Brewery – Smoke Out (Limited Release)

Ramstein – Barrel aged, dry hopped Oktoberfest

Victory Brewing – Ranch DIPA Double Simcoe, 4 Hop Bock

Boulder Beer Co. – Honey-of-a-Saison

Epic – Brainless On Cherries

Flying Dog – Gonzo

Great Divide – Wolfgang Doppelbock

Neshaminy Creek – Highwater Hefeweizen

Oskar Blues – G’night Imperial Red

Sly Fox – Black Raspberry Reserve

Smuttynose – Homunculus

Stone – 17th Anniversary

Weyerbacher – Blasphemy

Yards – Cicada Indigenous Ale

Slumbrew – Attic & Eave Toasted Brown Ale

LakeFront Brewery – 25th Anniversary Brandy Barrel Imperial Pumpkin

3 Beards Beer Company – Bearded Lady Rye & Raspberry Belgian Pale Ale

Big Muddy Brewing – 17th St. Smoked Amber Ale

Boom! As long as you did not just jump onto the Craft Beer bandwagon to impress your mates or shag a scrummy girly, that list should have made you randier than Austin Powers on ten Viagra pills at the Bunny Ranch!

Still not convinced eh? Alright maybe I have to appeal to the carnivore within you, to persuade you to purchase the right ticket on February 15, 2014, when the Big Brew Beer Festival comes back to town. The following is the jaw dropping, palate appeasing, foodie approved V.I.P. menu that was brought to you by the culinary mastermind Chef Eric LeVine and his prodigious crew from The Morris Tap & Grill:

Smoked Beef Brisket Sliders with Cole Slaw: These sliders may have been like Tyrion Lannister in stature, but their flavor reminded me of his on screen presence, large and in charge. The subtle smokiness of the brisket paired exquisitely with the tangy slaw to create an impeccable bite of awesomeness.

Beer Braised Pork Cheeks with Garlic Mashed Potatoes: Some people are turned off by pork cheeks, and to them I say, “good, more for me.” The cheek is a fantastically tender muscle that when served right, and it was prepared by Morris Tap & Grill so you already know it was, in my opinion can be the best part of the pig. That is except for, of course, the belly, which is where Bacon Town is located and is more sacred than the Pope, Jesus, and the Vatican combined.

Chicken Carnitas with Beer Pickles: The chicken that stuffed these carnitas was not only bursting with flavor but was so moist and juicy the taco shell almost could not contain all the spicy goodness that it was charged to protect. The addition of the beer pickles was a stroke of genius and created an expertly balanced dish.

White chocolate and Busted Barrel Caramel Mousse: After demolishing all the savory food that the Morris Tap & Grill was offering the V.I.P. guests, there was only one dish left to sample. This light and airy mousse was the perfect ending to the flawless lunch that was provided by the MTG staff. Not only did it taste like a spoonful of heaven with a drizzle of OMG, it was not overtly heavy which left enough space to tackle the tremendous amount of beers that The Big Brew Beer Festival still had to offer.

I know this is a blog so you can see that I just dropped the microphone on the ground and walked off the stage. If the beer list and the food pictures did not make you drool like a politician during lobbyist season, then I think you may be reading the wrong blog. Perhaps this blog is more your speed, Dr. Dull Mc. Boringstien.

After enjoying all the thirst quenching bucket list beers that the V.I.P. area had to offer and chowing down on the amazing concoctions that the Morris Tap & Grill provided, it was time to venture to the 100 plus tables that littered the gigantic convention center. The Following is a list of these wonderful purveyors of the sudtastic and intoxicating:

3 Beards Brewing – Lumberjack Black Lager, CowPuncher IPA

Ace Cider – Pumpkin, Perry, Apple

Abita – Turbo Dog, Purple Haze

Anchor Brewing – Big Leaf Maple Red, California Lager, Liberty IPA

Alchemy & Science – Curious Traveler, Just IPA

Big Muddy Brewing – Galaxy IPA, Vanilla Stout

Blue Point – White IPA, RastafaRye

B Nektar Meadery – Evil Genius, Black Fang, Necromangdon

Bolero Snort Brewery – Blackhorn American Black Lager, Ragin’ Bull Amber Lager, There’s No Rye-ing in Basebull Rye Beer

Boulder – Mojo IPA, Hazed and Infused, Sweaty Betty, Kinda Blue

Breckenridge – Regal Pils, Vanilla Porter

Brooklyn – Oktoberfest, Blast!

Butternuts Brewing – Porkslap Pale Ale

Captain Lawrence – Pumpkin Ale, Captain’s Reserve Imperial IPA

Carton Brewing Company – Boat Beer, Pumpkin Cream Ale, Carton of Milk Stout

Climax Brewing – Oktoberfest, ESB

Crabbies – Ginger Ale

Cricket Hill -Fall Festivus, East Coast Lager, Hopnotic IPA

Doc’s Cider – Pumpkin Cider, Apple Cider

Duvel – Duvel Single, Maredsous Brune

East Coast Brewing Co. – BeachHaus Cruiser IPA, Winter Rental, BeachHaus Pils

Epic – Smoke and Oak, Barley Wine

Firestone Walker Brewing Company – Union Jack, Double Jack, Reserve

Flying Dog – Snake Dog, Dogtoberfest

Flying Fish Brewing Company – Oktoberfish, Exit 4, ESB – only on draft

Fort Collins Brewing – Major Toms American Wheat

Full Sail – Existential Ale, IPA

Goose Island Beer Company – Pere Jacques, 312, Oktoberfest

Great Divide – Rumble IPA, Claymore Wee Heavy

Great Lakes Brewing Co.– Oktoberfest, Dortmunder Gold Lager

Gritty’s – Maine IPA, Black Fly Stout, Pub Ale

Harpoon – Octoberfest, Saison Various

Horny Goat Brewing – Hopped Up N Horny IPA

Ithaca Beer Company – Flower Power, Apricot Wheat, White Gold, Cascazilla

Keegan Ales – KD’s Triple, Longest Day IPA, Mother’s Milk Stout

Kuka Andean Brewing Company – Pumpkin Porter, Imperial Rye IPA, Belgian Triple, Belgian Golden Ale

LakeFront Brewing – Fixed Gear, Pumpkin Lager

Lancaster Brewing Company – Milk Stout, Strawberry Wheat

Latis – Estaminet, Palm, Steenbrugge Tripel

Left Hand Brewing Company

Magic Hat – Seance, Elder Betty

Moa – Imperial Stout, Breakfast Ale

Moonlight – Kurt’s Apple Pie, Sensual

Neshaminy Creek – Dunkel Weizen, Trauger Pils

Newcastle – Newcastle Brown and Werewolf

Old Dominion – Double D IPA, Oak Barrel Stout

Ommegang – Abbey, Scythe & Sickle

Oskar Blues – Dale’s Pale Ale, Old Chub

Otter Creek Brewing Company – Hopsession Pale Ale, Oktoberfest, Lager

Pyramid – Oktoberfest

Ramstein Beer – Oktoberfest, Double Platinum, Gold

River Horse – Hippo Lantern, Special Ale

Sam Adams – Boston Lager, Oktoberfest, Angry Orchard Crisp Apple

Sea Dog – Blueberry

Shed Brewery – IPA, Mountain Ale

Shiner – Oktoberfest, Black Lager

Shipyard Brewing Company – Smashed Pumpkin, Monkey Fist IPA

Sierra Nevada – Kellerweis, Flipside Red IPA

Sixpoint – Crisp Pils, Righteous Rye

Slumbrew – Flagraiser IPA, Happy Sol, Porter Square Porter, Trekker Trippel

Sly Fox – Rt 113 IPA, Pikeland Pils

Smuttynose – IPA, Pumpkin

Southampton Public House – Pumpkin Ale, Double White, IPA

Speakeasy – Tallulah Pale Ale, Prohibition Ale

St. Ambroise Brewery – Pumpkin Ale, Apricot Wheat Ale

Starr Hill Brewing Company – Boxcar Pumpkin Porter, Whiter Shade of Pale, Double Platinum, Smoke Out

Stone Brewing Co. – Ruination, Cali-belgique

Stoudts Brewery – Heifer in Wheat, Oktoberfest, Pilsner

Strongbow Cider

Summit – Extra Pale Ale, Oktoberfest, Porter, Pilsener

Tommyknocker Brewery – Small Batch Pumpkin Harvest Ale, Pick Axe IPA, Maple

Troegs – Perpetual IPA, Javahead Stout

Tuckahoe Brewing Co. – Dennis Creek Pale Ale, Steelmantown Porter

Unibroue – Chambly Noir, Blanche De Chambly, Trois Pistoles

Victory Brewing Company – Hop Wallop Double IPA, Headwaters Pale Ale, V12, Hop Devil

Weihenstephan – Kristal Weisse, Vitus, Oktoberfest

Weyerbacher – Double Simcoe IPA, Imperial Pumpkin

William’s Bros. – Fraoch Heather Ale, Kelpie Seaweed Ale, Midnight Sun

Wolaver’s Organic Brewery – IPA, Pumpkin, Oatmeal Stout

Wychwood Brewery – Hobgoblin Strong Dark Ale, Ginger Beard English Beer, Hobgoblin Strong Dark Ale, Ginger Beard English Beer

Yards – Pynk, Brawler

Tenth & Blake – Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin, Crispin Cider

After wandering around this beer maze for a few hours, if you were not smiling from ear to ear, something is wrong with you. You are broken, and there is no amount of cow bell that will fix you. Unless, perhaps it is not more cow bell that you need but some ridiculously good Cheese Curds from The Cow and The Curd truck that happened to be parked in the venue. Not a cheese fan, yet you still needed some sobering food to assist you in your journey, The Big Brew Beer Fest thought of that too, featuring food from The Office Beer Bar & Grill, 40 North, and Nicole’s Ten strategically located throughout the event.

So let’s discuss what we have learned today shall we? The Big Brew Beer Fest not only addressed but exceeded the concerns that were expressed after the first year of this event, which by the way I still loved. Secondly, the beers that were offered at this event would make our founding fathers, whom by the way loved themselves some hooch, cry like a disgraced English man after the revolutionary war. Furthermore, the food that was served at the Big Brew Beer Festival is the kind of food that is slightly more addictive than nicotine and three times tastier than anything your grandmother ever made, and that is a promise. Finally and seriously most importantly is the fact that this astounding, intriguing, brilliant, and insert obligatory adjective here, event is coming back to the Morristown Armory on February 15, 2014, and if you are not in the house, you have no excuse! See you there!