FANS of the band Iron Maiden are somehow unaffected by the self-consciousness epidemic sweeping the Western world.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In an age where literally everything has to be arch, knowing, witty or retro, Iron Maiden fans somehow still don’t give a fuck.

“They just like their thing for what it is, their hairy backs aren’t a statement and when they wear double denim with a bumbag it’s in no way ironic.

“The rest of us will never achieve that level of enjoyment of anything, because our stupid aspirations have made us into dicks.”

46-year-old Maiden fan Roy Hobbs said: “I go to work doing a job I can’t even be bothered to describe, then I come home and eat either a pie or a casserole with my wife, who is also into Maiden, then we drink a couple of beers and listen to The Number of the Beast.

“We’re very happy. Why wouldn’t we be?”

Hobbs confirmed that he had no opinion whatsoever about stick-on moustaches, retro gaming, boutique camping, dieting, vintage things, banter, street food, garlic presses or Jude Law.

Professor Brubaker said: “Their houses may smell of feet and engine oil but they make everyone else in the country look like pretentious twats.”