Stamford, CT – Positive that everyone in the nearby conference room was staring at him as they broke into backbreaking laughter, Nate Hammond came to the conclusion that the only way could ever find something that hilarious is if they had somehow discovered his innermost personal demons and were now spending the entire meeting cackling over how much of a loser he is. As he fought back tears and the urge to curl up into the fetal position on the floor, Hammond could only speculate as to how they discovered his deepest, darkest fears about himself, such as how he is unable to grow chest hair, or that even though he wears size 10 shoes, his actual shoe size is seven and a half.

While Hammond told sources that he plans on quitting on the spot tomorrow and uprooting his entire life somewhere in South America, his girlfriend, Sasha Vormort, expects him to get over it.

“This isn’t the first time that Nate thinks the rest of the world suddenly discovered all of his insecurities,” said Vormort. “A few years ago he said he was going to move to Iceland after he accidentally called me ‘mom’, but somehow we’re still together.”

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