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How Nude Beaches Work | Stuff You Should Know Podcast (Transcript)

Length: 48 mins

Welcome to Stuff You Should Know, from howstuffworks.com

Josh Clark: Hey and welcome to the podcast. I’m Josh Clark, there’s Charles W. Chuck Bryant, there’s Jerry. This is Stuff You Should Know, the totally nude edition.

Charles W. Chuck Bryant: [Laughs] Gross.

JC: You’re looking good.

CB: Well, I think you’re sort of kidding. [Laughs]

JC: [Laughs] Only time will tell.

CB: You want to break the news?

JC: Go ahead.

CB: Yeah, lost another tooth.

JC: I didn’t want to mention it.

CB: So here’s the story because I know people are interested.

JC: Everybody likes this tooth saga of yours.

CB: In my dental woes.

JC: It’s riveting but it also… people feel for you, you know?

CB: Yeah, I think so and I think the dentists and oral surgeons of our audience get a kick out of it.

JC: This is the thrilling part for them.

CB: So I was on vacation, as you know, Isle of Palms, South Carolina.

JC: Yeah.

CB: Bought tons… Well not tons, pounds and pounds of seafood to cook and was having a great week grilling fish and scallops and shrimp.

JC: Nice. So you went to the local seafood market that’s just one big long counter of seafood and it’s super cold inside?

CB: Yeah. [Laughs]

JC: I love those places. There’s always a few bottles of Tony Chachere’s Creole seasoning.

CB: Oh, and the local stuff like, “Here’s the crab boil, in a Ziploc, that we make.”

JC: Yes. I love those places. Nothing makes a beach vacation more than a visit to the local seafood place.

CB: Agreed.

JC: Yeah.

CB: And I will even shout out Simmons Seafood and Mount Pleasant Seafood.

JC: They’re gonna send you a box of shrimp under refrigeration. [Laughs]

CB: [Laughs] I bought a box of 100 oysters while we were there.

JC: Wow.

CB: And we had oyster happy hour every night.

JC: Nice.

CB: And I learned to shuck oysters like a pro.

JC: Nice!

CB: And I made my own version of Frogmore stew one night.

JC: Dude, can I come on vacation with you guys next time?

CB: [Laughs] We do it right, man.

JC: Yeah.

CB: I bought probably 7 or 8 pounds of shrimp, 5 or 6 pounds of scallops, stone crab claws, king crab claws.

JC: Jeez.

CB: Flounder, snapper, salmon, you name it, dude.

JC: Do those guys have a lien on your house now?

CB: No. Oh, I did spend a ton of money on this stuff.

JC: I’ll bet. [Laughs]

CB: the other thing that we enjoyed was the dips, like crab dip and shrimp dip and salmon dip. Anyway, everything’s speeding along, it’s the second to last night and I make my own version of Frogmore stew, which is the low country boil, basically, of Charleston, and I bite… We have these crostinis that we baked and the one tooth that I’ve been saying is gonna go, that got hurt in college and has been loose for, whatever, 20+ years.

JC: Right.

CB: And I’ve been afraid that my daughter’s gonna kick it in one day; I was just counting down that clock. I bit into a crostini, felt the crack and immediately was like, “There it goes,” and Emily and my friends were like, “No, really?” I’m like, “Oh, yeah. I know that crack.” [Laughs]

JC: That sucks.

CB: It does suck.

JC: Did it hurt at all?

CB: No, it never hurts.

JC: Well, that’s good.

CB: That is the one good thing. I finished my meal, very gingerly eating on the… I’ve learned how to eat in the back of my mouth like a Neanderthal.

JC: You use your eyes like a frog. They just go inside your skull and push the food down.

CB: So I made an appointment the next day; I called around. It was like do I go home or do I tough out the rest of the vacation here and be stressed and go home and do it, which means I probably can’t get in till Friday, or do I ruin part of a day, my final beach day, doing this locally? And so I decided to go in and get it done there and 2 hours out of my day was all I wasted.

JC: Oh wow, that’s pretty good.

CB: Not bad, so big, big shout out to Apex Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery.

JC: And janitorial services.

CB: Of Mount Pleasant, and Doctor Charlotte Marvel, she was great.

JC: Was she marvelous?

CB: She was. And, you know, when I get it done here, I go under twilight sleep, which I don’t feel a thing and it messes me up the whole rest of the day; I’m just groggy and in bed and I didn’t want to do that. I was like, I’d like to enjoy the beach and go out to dinner tonight. We had reservations at this great place on our final night, the last night dinner out deal and she said, “Well, I can just inject you if you’re okay with needles,” and you know I’ve long talked about the needle in the gums as the worst thing. And she said, “Well, this will also be needle in the roof of your mouth,” and I was like, “All right, I got to do it.” And she stuck me in the roof of my mouth and my eyes just started running water and I literally said, “I’m not crying. That’s just a reaction.” [Laughs]

JC: [Laughs] Nice.

CB: Yeah, it was fine. I mean, it numbed up so much I didn’t feel a thing and it was kind of interesting being awake for once during this procedure of extraction and bone… What do you call it?

JC: Destruction? No?

CB: Bone grafting.

JC: Oh, yeah.

CB: Not destruction.

JC: Yeah, because I’ve learned, when they take out a tooth now, the best practices are you immediately graft bone to it because you lose it so quickly.

CB: Pocket protection is what it’s called.

JC: [Laughs] Yeah. That’s awesome.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: That is so nerdy awesome. I love it.

CB: But man, it is a rough procedure, they are so rough. And now I know why they knock you out because they don’t want you to know how rough they are with you.

JC: Yeah.

CB: I felt like I was getting assaulted.

JC: Yeah? Yeah, they don’t play. Dentists don’t play.

CB: And that’s not to knock Dr. Marvel; she did great. I mean, you got to get in there and do it, you know?

JC: Yeah.

CB: So anyway, I was literally on the beach two hours later with a gin and tonic.

JC: That’s great, man.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: That is really great. Good story. Story had it all.

CB: Yeah.

JC: Had food, had surgery.

CB: Yeah, the beach.

JC: Dentist with a great name.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: The beach, yeah, the whole thing.

CB: And also, this also means, for people coming to see us on tour for the remainder of the year, I’m not even bothering with the insert tooth.

JC: Thank goodness because I had to sit there with it right next to me.

CB: Staring.

JC: Staring at me during each show.

CB: [Laughs] No, I’m used to it by now. I’m just gonna bubba it up for the next nine months or whatever.

JC: [Laughs] They’re gonna love it. We should start charging double for tickets then.

CB: We should.

JC: Yeah.

CB: So thank you for indulging that story.

JC: Well, it leads to a burning question that I’ve been trying to ask this whole time. Were you nude on the beach at any point?

CB: No.

JC: No nude beach at Isle of Palm?

CB: No. I thought about, during a nighttime ocean swim, doing it al flagrante. Is that how they say that?

JC: Yes.

CB: But then I thought, “You know what? I’m being sort of brave swimming in the ocean at night anyway I’m not gonna have things exposed.”

JC: There’s something really creepy about swimming at night in the ocean particularly.

CB: Yeah, agreed. But I did it and it’s great.

JC: Yeah?

CB: It’s really like… I think that’s part of the exhilaration is, “I don’t know what’s out here.”

JC: Yeah. I guess as long as you say, “And I don’t care, I’m just gonna enjoy myself,” then it would be enjoyable.

CB: Yeah, but I did keep saying, “But at least I’ve got my pants on.”

JC: [Laughs] Right.

CB: Not pants. Well, I did have pants on. I had tuxedo pants on. [Laughs]

JC: I’ll bet there’s a lot of… You what?

CB: I had tuxedo pants on, as is per tradition at Isle of Palms.

JC: Oh, okay. To cover your junk from the sea turtles?

CB: Yeah, that’s what you do at night; you swim in the beach in tux pants.

JC: Right. So that’s almost the exact opposite, then, of a traditional nude beach, which is what we’re talking about.

CB: Have you ever been to one?

JC: I have.

CB: Did you go nude?

JC: No, I went and visited. I just went and looked for a second.

CB: Oh, you’re one of those guys.

JC: Yeah, no, but I wasn’t like, “Oh,” and poking people with a stick or anything like that.

CB: Right.

JC: I just want to see like, “Okay, what is this?” And I’ll tell you what really drew me over to look. Umi and I were down in Florida and there’s a nude beach, it’s a clothing optional and, I believe, unofficial nude beach at the Canaveral National seashore.

CB: I have been there.

JC: Okay, yeah, that’s right.

CB: We’ll share our stories.

JC: Okay. And we drove down, at one point, just to kind of see and, sure enough, there was a woman walking around just wearing shorts and that was it. But what really got me to go check was we saw this girl, who must have been 17 or something, and she was totally clothed, fully dressed not even wearing a swimsuit; she was just dressed. And she was coming back from the beach with her hand over her mouth and her eyes like the size of bread plates and her mom was sitting there laughing at her, waiting at the car watching her comeback like this and I was like, “I got to go see.” So I went and looked and I was like, “Yep, there’s a couple naked people, they’re all dudes and, well, I’ve seen the nude beach now.” But at the same time, I was like, “I would love to just go nude at a nude beach.”

CB: Yeah?

JC: But the more I did this research, the more I was like, “I could take or leave it.” I have no problem and probably would still like to go nude at a very secluded nude beach, but I get the impression that public nude beaches… And I don’t even think I would enjoy a nudist resort or a nude beach. It would just be a remote deserted island.

CB: Yeah.

JC: Not because of any shame or anything like that, but because I just think that that would be the way that I’d most enjoy the experience of just being nude out there on the beach. You know I mean?

CB: So you just want to be nude on the beach with just you and your wife?

JC: Right, yeah.

CB: And that’s it.

JC: Yeah. You know, just hanging out.

CB: You want to own your own beach.

JC: I guess. [Laughs]

CB: [Laughs]

JC: I think that’s what I’m getting at. I’m hoping a wealthy listener will send us one.

CB: So here’s my experience with that very beach, was that Playalinda or Klondike?

JC: Playalinda.

CB: All right. So my deal was, many years ago, I did a long, like 3 month, out west trip with my best friend, Brett, and we started in Atlanta and said, “All right, where should we go first?” And this was pre-internet when you’re doing book research, and I said, “There’s this place in Florida near Canaveral that’s called Klondike Beach,” and I said, “and I don’t know if this is true, but what I read is that there is a law enforcement vacuum there because no one…” There’s some overlap with counties and national land where there’s a space where there’s no law.

JC: Yeah, there’s supposedly a place in, I think, Yosemite National Park that’s like that too.

CB: Well, yeah, I’ve heard that stupid story where you can kill somebody and get away with it.

JC: Right. Is that not true?

CB: Well, I don’t know. I don’t think this is… I remember reading that article and they would get you somehow.

JC: Sure.

CB: But I think there wasn’t… I don’t think it wasn’t no law, but there wasn’t… Technically, there was no legal overseer of this one area, and that was Klondike Beach, and there were hippies smoking weed and nudists and I was like, “That’s where we should start.” [Laughs]

JC: Right.

CB: I have no idea what drew me because it wasn’t like I was going for either one of those things.

JC: That sounds a bit like a place called Wreck Beach in Vancouver, where it’s not like there’s no jurisdiction or a questionable jurisdiction; it’s just really hard to get to.

CB: Yeah.

JC: There’s like 400 steps down to the beach.

CB: [Laughs].

JC: So apparently, the cops, a long time ago, said, “Whatever, you guys can do whatever you want there.”

CB: Right, “We don’t care.”

JC: So not only is it a nude beach, it’s like a drug-addled, drunken beach. But, apparently, it’s a lot of fun. But, supposedly, they started cracking down on it recently and it’s not as fun as it once was.

CB: Well, I do remember actually what drew me was you can camp on the beach there, which is sort of rare to… It wasn’t a campground; there’s like backcountry camping on the sand and you… There’s not a ton of places in the States where you can do that.

JC: Yeah, that sounds kind of funny, actually.

CB: It was great.

JC: Waking up to the sound of waves and things like that.

CB: It’s wonderful.

JC: Right.

CB: And we did go down there and we did camp and it was a great way to start the trip and we did… There was this dude walked up to us, this — and of course, I think this is usually the story — this probably 50-something year-old man, butt naked, walks up to us just starts a conversation.

JC: Oh, really? So I got a lot of differing advice from doing research on this.

CB: Yeah?

JC: so the guy started a conversation with you.

CB: Yup.

JC: What did you do? Did you go, “Hey, Bob, good to meet you. Nice penis,” like that Saturday Night Live sketch?

CB: No, I think we just tried to treat it like a normal conversation, which it was.

JC: I guess what I’ve been hearing different things on is that, at nude beaches, you will possibly be surprised by the standoffishness of the nude bathers. You might be expecting free spirits like Bob, the guy you met, right?

CB: Yeah, I think the deal is — and we will be corrected through listener mail — but I think if you are clothed, they may be a little more standoffish. But from what I understand, if you’re not clothed, that’s all kind of part of the community. And we should do a larger one on nudist at some point.

JC: I could not agree more. I had an idea, but I had no idea how lengthy and long-standing the nudism movement, or the naturism movement I should say.

CB: Yeah, naturalists. From what I understand, they’re very much a community and that’s the whole point, is to normalize it to where it’s just like talking on the beach with anybody.

JC: Right.

CB: Like it’s not any different than being clothed and that’s their whole bag is, “Hey, this is how we come into the world and we have all shamed each other with our bodies over the years to where we have clothed ourselves,” and of course, you know me, grown up Southern Baptists, I have a very weird relationship with nudity.

JC: Right.

CB: To the point where I’m like, “Yeah, man, what’s the big deal? Europeans have got it right. It’s just your body, who cares?” and then the other half of me says, “Oh my God, put some clothes on.” [Laughs] You know?

JC: “Do you want to go to hell today?”

CB: [Laughs] Right. And it’s not even that, it’s just I guess I’m kind of shy.

JC: Yeah, but I’m sure it’s ingrained shyness too.

CB: Oh, yeah for sure.

JC: from an upbringing like that. So you definitely hit on something, right? So when you’re talking about the naturist movement, if you go to in naturist resort, like a nude beach that’s part of a naturist resort where you have to, say, be a member to get in or something like that.

CB: Yes.

JC: Yes, you’re going to find people who are very happy that you’re there and they’re very happy to be naked and everybody’s very happy that everyone’s naked, right?

CB: Yes.

JC: But you’re also probably going to encounter something like compulsory nudity to where if you’re there, you have to be naked.

CB: Yes.

JC: They don’t want anybody come along and be like, “What’s this all about? What are you guys doing over here? Shake your moneymaker for me,” you know?

CB: Yeah, they’re not into that.

JC: No. So they have to have their own set-aside resorts that’s their own place; it’s like a private area. But say, like a different kind of beach, like a clothing optional beach where it’s a public beach that allows nudity but it isn’t compulsory, that’s when it seems to be kind of like Paradise Lost for the naturists, historically speaking.

CB: Well, there’s a culture clash going on.

JC: There definitely is.

CB: You know?

JC: Yeah, and it seems like just about every country that has beaches has nude beaches and if they are public nude beaches where clothing is optional, it seems like the naturists who are actually there to just enjoy being naked, it has nothing to do with sex, their kids are running around naked, the whole family is there, it’s a very family-oriented naked beach, tend to lose control of it because outside elements usually come in, start partying, having public sex, and then, all of a sudden, this nude beach gets a terrible reputation and the government steps in, local people complain and usually, when they do, it’s successful and the government steps in and nobody can be naked anymore and it’s ruined for all the naturists.

CB: Yeah, and that is not the same thing at all as topless beaches that you find in Europe and in some places here in the United States. I went to one of those too, and I mean you call it a topless beach; it was, I think, it was just a beach, you know? I think a lot of the beaches in Europe are topless; it’s not a big thing.

JC: Right.

CB: And we saw ladies with their… With no bikini top on.

JC: [Laughs]

CB: And, of course, being a kid, I was young; I was like, “Wahaaa! Hey!”

JC: You’re like that wolf in the cartoon where his jaw just hits the floor.

CB: But I was respectful because I knew, even then, you don’t want to ogle somebody because that’s probably not too cool.

JC: Sure.

CB: But then, even as a young guy, it normalized and I was like, “Oh, well. This is just a body part, it ain’t a big deal.”

JC: Yeah, yeah. After you turn, I don’t know, 19 or 20, it’s really easy to become desensitized to that kind of stuff.

CB: Yeah.

JC: You know? So let’s take a break man.

CB: That was a lot of good set up there.

JC: Yeah, that was a lot of set up.

CB: Teeth and penises and… [Laughs]

JC: [Laughs] Right.

CB: [Laughs] All kinds of things.

JC: Boobs, the whole shebang.

CB: Whoo.

JC: We’ll be right back, everybody.

JC: So, Chuck, you’ve mentioned it a couple times and it seems like anybody who even basically knows about nude beaches tends to think of Europe.

CB: Sure.

JC: And for good reasons too. There was a survey in 2016 that surveyed, I think like 90 different countries or something like that, that was a pretty extensive survey, to find out what the attitudes were toward nude sunbathing on public beaches.

CB: Yeah.

JC: And they found that Austrians, the Austrians, I really would not have guessed the Austrians and I’m not misspeaking Australians. I mean the people from Austria.

CB: Do they have a shoreline, Josh?

JC: I don’t know.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: I don’t know.

CB: Okay.

JC: I wish I did, but I don’t know. At any rate, they’re fine with nudism. At the very least, I’m sure they have sandy lakes. They’re fine with nude sunbathing at the beach. Something like 76% of Austrians say it’s “absolutely acceptable” to sunbathe in the nude in public. It used to be Germany was the champion of being cool with nude sunbathing.

CB: On their famous, very famous, shoreline.

JC: yes, in the North Sea. But they fell to second place; 72% of German say it’s absolutely acceptable.

CB: And you’re sure it didn’t say Australians, right?

JC: Positive.

CB: Because they’re way good with it. Okay.

JC: Yeah, I know. Well, Australia has a rollercoaster relationship with nude beaches. I think it depends on who’s in charge of the culture at any given point in time.

CB: Oh, really?

JC: Yeah.

CB: Well, maybe, while we’re there, we’ll be in charge of the culture for a short time.

JC: Yeah.

CB: Nudity everywhere.

JC: [Laughs] Man.

CB: Until Chuck gets grossed out.

JC: Our shows about to get raucous.

CB: You never know, a nude show, how about that?

JC: So… No, no, absolutely not.

CB: [Laughs] No, I mean the audience, not us.

JC: So I’m still not comfortable with that either.

CB: Well, that’s how they say to… The reason to say that is because…

JC: It’s like a 2 Live Crew show.

CB: [Laughs] They say to picture your audience in the nude if you’re nervous.

JC: I think they say underwear.

CB: Oh, okay, got you. I remember that Brady Bunch, that’s all I know.

JC: [Laughs] So I don’t know Australians.

CB: Okay.

JC: But I do know 18% of Americans say it’s absolutely acceptable sunbathing in the nude.

CB: That seems about right, pretty low percentage. That’s what I’d figure.

JC: Well, you know who had an even lower percentage? It’s Italians. 71% of Italians say they are not okay with having somebody sunbathe nude by them on a public beach.

CB: That surprises me.

JC: It surprises me as well, but such is the way. But they’re kind of an outliner as far as Europe goes, and Europe actually, again, have some of the earliest nude beaches around. This article says that the first one was in Bordeaux, in France, that started around after World War 2, but I actually saw footage of a nude beach in Georgia, the country not the state, dating from the 1920s.

CB: Whoa.

JC: So as far as nudity goes, Georgia’s even more progressive than France, apparently.

CB: I don’t know about progressive. I think, sometimes, it’s just, you know, freaks are gonna let their flag fly.

JC: No, you got it, you got it.

CB: And if you’ve got a group of them together, I don’t care if it’s 1920 in Georgia, then they find each other, they’re gonna do it. I don’t think that necessarily means that Georgia was super progressive, you know I mean?

JC: Oh, okay. I see what you mean.

CB: Or maybe it does, I don’t know, but I’m just saying. And that’s the case with a lot of these nude beaches is, it bears pointing out, some of these are sanctioned and some of them are just… Have happened over the years to this extent where, like you said, the local cops are just kind of like, “They’re not hurting anybody, this is sort of where they gather,” and everyone knows that so they can either choose to go there or stay away from there and these places are usually somewhat removed too. Not all the times, but usually. Like I remember with Klondike Beach, it wasn’t the main beach; you had to kind of work a bit to get there.

JC: Yeah, it’s almost always, if not remote, as far as just beaches in general go, it is like, say, the northernmost part or the southernmost part, so it’s secluded in some way, shape, or form.

CB: Yes.

JC: I read this fascinating article about a nude beach off of Palm Beach called Airforce Beach.

CB: Okay.

JC: And it was a private island owned by John D. McArthur of the famous John D and Catherine T McArthur Foundation.

CB: NPR fame?

JC: Yeah. And he made his billions selling insurance, I believe, and he, apparently, was a bit of a naturist himself, but he allowed people to use his beach and he also allowed one of the sides of the beach to become a nude beach. And there is a big struggle, because he died as he was signing over, or his son was signing over, the deed of this beach to the county with the stipulation that this part remain nude and he died before the nude part document was signed, so the county took the beach and was like, “No, we are not gonna sign that other thing.”

CB: Oh, that’s a shame.

JC: And there’s been a struggle ever since. I think it was in the 90s when he died, but it was a lost nude beach. But for a while there, there was apparently something like 5000 people a day coming there to sunbathe nude on the weekends. It was one of America’s most populated nude beaches and it was all because it was this old rich guy’s… He was okay with it.

CB: Did it have it a sign that said, “These penises are brought to you in part by the John D and Catherine T McArthur foundation”?

JC: [Laughs] Yeah.

CB: [Laughs] And you push a button and it’s read by Ira Glass?

JC: Yeah.

CB: Actually, Ira doesn’t read those, does he?

JC: Can you do it, though? I think everyone wants to hear that.

CB: [Laughs] No, I don’t think so. I retired my Ira Glass impression.

JC: Oh.

CB: The other thing with some of these beaches is sometimes they’re so remote and removed, it’s just sand and you’re on your own.

JC: Right.

CB: they may not even have trash cans and stuff. Other ones are a little more advanced and they might have activities, it might have a beach… Not a toilet, but what do you call it? Like a bathhouse?

JC: Right, right.

CB: And a shower or maybe they even serve booze. But it bears pointing out that I think a lot of Americans, and especially more like in the kind of the way I grew up, more conservative, religious Americans might think that’s just a hedonistic, sexual free for all with these weirdos and that is, generally, not the case at all. It is a bunch of old people, naked and talking to each other about whatever, the economy, how the fish are biting.

JC: Yeah, I don’t think… How the fish are biting. [Laughs]

CB: Well, hope they’re not.

JC: as long as it’s not sea turtles, I guess.

CB: Yeah.

JC: We can’t really overstate that a genuine naturist nudists nude beach has nothing to do with sex. It might be a sensual experience to have, as one guy quoted in the article says, just being out there and feeling the breeze and feeling the water and all that. It’s sensual, but this guy’s talking about the senses, the tactile senses just making him feel good. He’s not saying, like, you know.

CB: “I got a giant erection.”

JC: Right, because of it.

CB: Yes.

JC: It’s not about sex. And again, a lot of these places are more family-friendly than even adjacent beaches.

CB: Yeah, and there’s no shame in our bodies.

JC: Right.

CB: And we respect each other’s bodies. I mean, they’re probably the least… Or most open-minded body type community on Planet Earth.

JC: Right, yeah. You would think so.

CB: You know? Like there’s no body shaming in nudist communities; that’s the whole point.

JC: Yeah.

CB: Because they all come together and accept where we all hang and wrinkle and all the things that happen to bodies over the years.

JC: Sprout weird goat hairs.

CB: [Laughs] Well, you should take care of those.

JC: I was reading… [Laughs] Yeah. Even the nudists are like, “You need to do something about this.”

CB: Yeah, you just come back to your little cabana and there’s like a pair of tweezers and scissors on your pillow.

JC: I was reading, dude, Milwaukee used to have a nude beach.

CB: Huh.

JC: Yeah, I was pretty surprised to hear that one, but it was called Paradise Beach and it was a legit, I think it was clothing optional because it was county. Usually, if it’s a government beach, they can’t legally exclude anybody, so it has to be clothing optional, but I think it was clothing optional. I was Paradise Beach, but it was family oriented nudist beach and it was adjacent, or just down the beach, from a beach called Bradford Beach, and that was a you had to wear clothing beach. It was not nudist, but it was a party beach. And Bradford Beach, where you had to wear clothes, was a bigger party beach than Paradise Beach, which was the clothing optional beach.

CB: Yeah.

JC: And that’s usually how it is. Although, eventually, and this is normally the case, sometime in the early 90s, some of the people from Bradford Beach started hanging out naked on Paradise Beach and started getting wasted and having sex and it wasn’t family friendly anymore and there were complaints and then the Paradise Beach is no longer.

CB: Yeah. The whole sex thing is weird to me. It’s not like a bathing suit is… If that’s the barrier that keeps you from just going hog-wild sexually, it’s not much of a barrier.

JC: No, it’s true.

CB: I get the impression that this Haulover Park in Miami, it is known as the largest nude beach in the United States.

JC: Yeah.

CB: And one of the most popular in the world, so says our article. I get the feeling it’s way more of a party scene.

JC: Yes, it is.

CB: Because… Have you ever been there?

JC: No, I was reading about it.

CB: Yeah, I read about it and then I looked up pictures and, of course, you know, I’m sitting at my desk today looking at nude people on the beach, that’s part of the job, but there’s pictures of, you know, it looks like a spring break with like 40 people posing and they’re all naked. And these were younger people too, this wasn’t the older set.

JC: It’s Miami.

CB: I mean, it was all kind of people, older and younger.

JC: Right.

CB: And again, just because I am who I am, I was like, “Oh. Well, that’s completely normal, actually,” and the other part of me went, “Oh my God, what is going on there?”

JC: [Laughs] Right.

CB: [Laughs] I just don’t know what to think.

JC: It’s funny.

CB: It is funny and sad.

JC: But, I mean the very fact that you are aware of it means that there’s hope for addressing it once and for all.

CB: Yeah, the nudity problem?

JC: Yeah.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: You just go one way or the other. Either be like, “I’m totally fine with nudity. I’m going to make this my mission to just be fine with nudity, totally,” or just go never nude and just always wear that pair of daisy dukes under your clothes.

CB: No but, like you said, I am fine with it in my adult, rational, evolved brain, but that shame is so ingrained from that childhood. It’s really hard to escape it.

JC: It’ll get you.

CB: It will get you. All right, let’s take another break, how about that? And we’ll come back and talk a little bit about Cape Cod and some of the behaviors you should, obviously, avoid.

CB: All right. So I promised a little Cape Cod talk. We mentioned Haulover Park, there’s Black’s Beach in San Diego, very popular long-standing nude beach.

JC: Yeah, one of the first in the US I think.

CB: Yeah, for sure, and that, of course, San Diego, I figured they would have one there.

JC: Yeah, dude, San Diego beaches in the 70s were like whatever you wanted to do.

CB: Yeah. It’s like Three’s Company all day long.

JC: Yeah, but like…

CB: All over the place.

JC: Not just the innuendo.

CB: [Laughs] Yeah.

JC: Like the stuff they were making innuendo about was actually going on there.

CB: Right. I always think of, whenever I think of San Diego in the 70s and Three’s Company, I think of the, what are those bars called?

JC: Fern bars?

CB: Yeah, fern bars that we covered in the bars episode.

JC: Yeah, the Regal Beagle was literally a fern bar.

CB: Yeah.

JC: I think they had ferns there.

CB: So anyway, Cape Cod in the 1970s, in Massachusetts, had a bit of a fight going on their hands. The NPS, the National Park Service, outlawed public nudity and it was a big deal because there… I guess, in parts of Cape Cod, there were people that would go nude. It ended up in lawsuits and the nude ban was upheld and they, I believe, still are the only national park with a specific ban on nudity.

JC: Yeah.

CB: I didn’t know that. It’s not a federal law.

JC: No, in any federal park, apparently.

CB: Yeah except Cape Cod now.

JC: Yup, It’s the only one, so congratulations, Cape Cod, you really showed your butt.

CB: Yeah. [Laughs] And I love it, here it says now if there are conflicts, the park employees attempt to resolve it informally.

JC: Right.

CB: Like, I think everyone’s just like, “Come on can we just work this out?” Like, “Why don’t you to go over here, you go over there and don’t look at them and can I go back to my office? I need a lobster roll.”

JC: “Which is a roughhewn log cabin of my own making.”

CB: Probably so.

JC: So yeah, Cape Cod is kind of an outlier. Usually, there are… a nude beach getting legislated, it will go one of two ways. It’ll start with a beach that people just say, “This is our new nude beach. We’re gonna start being nude here.”

CB: “Taking my pants off.”

JC: It’s very remote, normally, it’s hard to get to and a lot of nudists prefer it that way; it’s a little harder for them to get to it, but that also means it’s a little harder for perverts and lookie-lous to get to.

CB: Well, plus, remote beaches are the best kind of beaches, you know?

JC: Right, yeah.

CB: So they end up getting a score with a very remote, kind of tranquil scene.

JC: Yup. And then, so you’ve got that LLP, an unofficial public nude beach, and then something will happen and the local government will either legislate that, officially, it’s clothing optional or else, “No, it’s not. Everybody needs to get dressed.” Normally, it’s everybody needs to get dressed because, usually, it’s the result of a complaint like there’s some residents or an HOA group or somebody nearby who considers that their beach and doesn’t want a bunch of naked people frolicking around.

CB: Yeah.

JC: And if the nudists are trying to make their case like, “No, we just want to it be naked; we’re not perverts or anything like that.” If they’re making their case, it’s usually, again, underscored by people getting wasted and having public sex on the nude beach.

CB: Right.

JC: Which brings us, Chuck, I think, to where we should share some tips to people who were thinking of maybe going to a nude beach and the cardinal rule of a genuine nude beach is no sex. Don’t have sex on the beach; no one wants to see that.

CB: Yeah, I think the first two cardinal rules of a nude beach, don’t have sex and don’t be a creep, are the same rules at a regular beach.

CB: Definitely. Just don’t… You don’t want to be a creep with your clothes on or off.

JC: Yeah. This one says, it goes to a lot of troubles to say don’t take pictures of people.

CB: No. Don’t take pictures. They mention selfies like, “If you’re in the background, you may not realize someone’s in the background,” or God forbid, if there’s a child in the background that’s part of a nudist family. Just put your camera away for a bit.

JC: Yeah. I mean, if you’re taking pictures and there’s a naked kid running around, you are really putting your life in jeopardy depending on that kid’s father and what his opinions are on creeps.

CB: Very true.

JC: So, but again, my point is is that applies to regular beaches too.

CB: [Laughs] Yeah.

JC: Fully clothed beaches. Don’t take pictures of people at the beach; that’s creepy and wrong.

CB: Agreed.

JC: What else? What’s another tip?

CB: This says, and these were, we should point out, these were from the Haulover Beach website and that’s the party beach in Miami. It says, “Don’t just sit right down next to another person if there’s plenty of space on the beach,” and again, that’s sort of like a regular beach. it would be a little weird on a very… when I was just at Isle of Palms, not many people there on a weekday this time of year, like hundreds of yards in between blankets and chairs. If someone would have sat down right next to me, I would’ve been like, “That’s a little weird.”

JC: Yeah.

CB: “Why don’t you go over there or over there or anywhere else?” And especially true on a nude beach.

JC: And then you turn and the person is actually made of sand and they blow away.

CB: [Laughs] What is that?

JC: I just made it up.

CB: [Laughs] Okay.

JC: Not everything is a reference.

CB: All right, I didn’t know if that was a sort of weird fantasy film or something.

JC: No.

CB: What else?

JC: Maybe Dune?

CB: [Laughs] This thing says, “Be sure to bring a towel.”

JC: Yeah, this was good advice.

CB: Yeah, I mean that’s pretty obvious and they say that most people, nudists, bring two towels, one to sit on and put all your junk on that can get potentially gross, right?

JC: Yeah.

CB: And then another one to actually dry your face with.

JC: Right. I would have brought a towel just to dry off with, but it wouldn’t have occurred to me like, “No, you also need to bring a towel to sit on.” Like if you’re gonna sit on a stool or chair or something, nobody wants your butt funk on their chair.

CB: No.

JC: That’s grody. And you don’t want somebody else’s either, so let’s think here.

CB: Yeah, I would say a beach chair rental company at a nude is probably not thriving.

JC: [Laughs] I’ll bet you.

CB: Don’t you think?

JC: Yeah. I mean that should be a tip as well, like maybe bring your own chair.

CB: Another tip that it said is if you get an erection, there’s ways of taking care that. Get in the water, turn over onto your stomach.

JC: Think about nuns playing baseball.

CB: [Laughs] I mean if you’re getting an erection on a nude beach, that’s… I don’t know. I’m not sure what to say about that.

JC: Well, you could be like 13.

CB: Yeah, maybe. Yeah, I didn’t really think about that.

JC: No but I mean, even if you’re a dude and it’s your first time or something gets you just right, yeah, there’s got to be some sort of etiquette for that. I think the point of this is don’t just walk around like, “Hey, everybody, it’s happening, check it out.”

CB: Right.

JC: You know? Like you want to just kind of keep that to yourself is the point.

CB: Yeah, I would think that would be a big like “stay away from me” sign to other people.

JC: [Laughs] Right.

CB: You know?

JC: It could take an eye out.

CB: Oh, man.

JC: I really feel like we may have crossed lines here and there.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: In this episode; and I’m not sure.

CB: Yeah.

JC: You think so?

CB: No, I’m just surprised that I’m able to make it through this episode, to be honest.

JC: I’ll bet there’s a lot of people who are like, “Can’t. I can’t listen to Josh and Chuck talk about this one.”

CB: [Laughs] Bring sunscreen, of course.

JC: Yeah.

CB: And then, you know, kind of kidding around but definitely not kidding around because they make the very fine point, if you’re in your 20s or 30s or 40s and it’s your first time ever doing this, then by all accounts, it’s probably the first time your body parts down there, your private parts, have seen the sun and that’s a bad recipe. You know?

JC: Can you imagine?

CB: No, I can’t.

JC: If you had sunburn there.

CB: No.

JC: Oh.

CB: Could not imagine. Sunburn will ruin your vacation, period.

JC: Yeah.

CB: I can imagine a sunburned penis would really put a dent in things.

JC: Yeah, this article suggests even bringing a hat to use.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: Which I thought that was smart.

CB: Yeah, like a pith helmet.

JC: [Laughs] Yeah, that would definitely work.

CB: [Laughs]

JC: I got a couple more things.

CB: What else?

JC: So back in the 19th century, the Victorians were pretty well known for being pretty prudish, right?

CB: Yeah. On the surface that is.

JC: Yes, exactly, on the surface. But at a public beach, all that is out on display, so the surface is all that matters, right? So I ran across this invention that they came up with, at least in Australia if not in England as well, but they had cabanas on the back of wagons that were pulled by horses and you would get into the cabana and the horse would draw the wagon, with you and the cabana in it, out to the ocean and then you will get out into the water so that nobody else would see you in any kind of remote state of undress. And we’re still talking like wrists and ankles covered. That was too much, so they would get in these private cabanas and be drawn by horse out to the water.

CB: Wow.

JC: Yes. That was crazy. And then, fast forward to the 1950s, and there was a nudist trend that sparked all over Australia and I think, now, Australia has something like I think 5 designated nude beaches, which I was surprised it was that little, because in Britain, there’s 11 of them.

CB: Really?

JC: Yeah, I was surprised by that too. And there’s a great quote from this one counselor at Brighton, who was like, I guess, the local elected official from back in 1979 when Brighton became the first official nude beach. He said, “I personally have got no objection to people showing their breasts and bosoms and general genitalia to one another. Jolly good luck to them, but for heaven’s sake, they should go somewhere more private.” Isn’t that a great quote? [Laughs]

CB: Yeah, maybe that’s where I lie. [Laughs]

JC: Is it really? So you have a problem with nude beaches?

CB: No, they’re fine, just not for me.

JC: Got you. What about the private, private, private nude beach that I envision?

CB: The island that you own?

JC: Mm-hmm.

CB: I would visit it without you there.

JC: [Chuckles]

CB: And I would pull my shorts down for a minute, for 60 seconds.

JC: Right. But not past the ankle. You’d just stand there with…

CB: Oh no, no, no. I would still have my hands on them.

JC: [Laughs] I see. And I’d be like, “Joke’s on you. Whole island is under surveillance.”

CB: [Laughs] “Jokes on you, it’s a surprise party.”

JC: [Laughs]

CB: [Laughs]

JC: Nice. Well, that’s nude beaches, man, unless you got anything else?

CB: I got nothing else.

JC: If you want to know more about nude beaches, and you made it this far through the episode or what we could probably call a psychodrama between me and Chuck, you can type that word in the search bar at howstuffworks.com and it’ll bring up this fine article. And since I said search bar, it’s time for listener mail.