China Digital Times has translated a set of really hilarious responses from Sina Weibo users to an American expatriate who just got to town and wants to know how he might be able to log on to Facebook where all of his friends and family are:

@shennanyunfu: A: Go home! B: Scale the wall.

@kenneth_wang_wei：Please contact the police should you encounter any problems*. [This sentence was translated as “difficult to find the police” on an information board in a popular tourist attraction of Jiangxi province. A picture of this board was widely re-posted on cyberspace.]

@duoluoxi-tuotuo: Welcome to the Great Chinese LAN.

@ajichihuo: Once you overthrow our government, you’ll be able to access Facebook.

@yan-at-shanghai: Bro, once you are in China, you’d better to use QQ and Renren.com*. And you should let your American family members to learn how to use QQ and Renren. [*Renren.com is a popular social networking site in Mainland China that is similar to Facebook.]

@youmutianna: According to our relevant laws and regulations, your request is denied.

@anarchy_whale: If you are unable to scale the wall, you’ll have to bring your friends and family to Sina Weibo…

@yimanfu: Two methods: First, join our revolution and help us build a democratic government — this method will solve the problem once and for all, and it’ll ensure your access to Facebook the next time you’re in Beijing; second, use circumvention tools such as Autoproxy or Freegate (thanks to your government for funding these tools, which have been helping us learn a lot of truths) — this method is easy and low-cost, but I can’t guarantee it’ll always work.