

Download the MP3 | Watch the Video

Self-replicating holiday decorations, Taylor from PKA calls in, “American Circumcision”, a documentary on foreskin, high-pressure medical sales, and “Jewish calamari”, unpopular uses for tampons, QR codes, Venn diagrams on meth and cryptocurrency, sexist artificial intelligence, McDonald’s game pieces, Sargon of Akkad calls in to resurrect Gamer Gate, I want to resurrect NoMa’am, hate mail from a victim, Nick Rekieta loses his temper, and I get subpoenaed; all that and more on this episode of The Dick Show!

Your pussy, your problem. A lot of simps won’t like the sermon at the end of this episode, but I’m tapped out on patience and charity and empathy–and all other euphemisms for restrained eye rolls, when it comes to things that aren’t my fault and that we’ve been trying to fix for thousands of years. A pre-requisite to “being an ally” to the plight of women seems to be having your head shoved up your ass–or more accurately, your head shoved up your pussy because that’s the only place on Earth where reality ceases to exist. Here’s what I know, we already tried shouting at rape to stop it. That’s the first thing we tried. I know that because it is always the first thing we try, and it didn’t work. So if women want to push “being an ally” any harder down my throat without my consent, they’re going to have to come up with a new plan–any plan, but first…

The Grey Goo is a doomsday thought experiment in which out-of-control, self-replicating nanobots clone themselves at an exponential rate, consuming all matter they come into contact with as a source for raw, molecular material, and then gradually transforming the world as we know it into an amorphous “grey goo” of microscopic machines from which there is no escape. It’s a nightmarish consequence of technology that we can imagine, and so its threat is inevitable. In fact, we’re already living in it. We just got the color wrong.

The Orange Goo is what I call it; the relentlessly multiplying, spontaneous manifestation of holiday tchotchkes and cheer that crash down upon our lives every holiday season, consuming life and liberty and spare cash in a deluge of processed sentiment. The raw source materials of your free-time transformed into hay rides and straw men and trips to Amish country. Pumped into our veins like Chinese fentanyl and powered by the artificially intelligent Target/woman hybrid, the season replicates itself slowly, storage bin to storage unit at first until it consumes entire cities.

If you see a pumpkin this year, leering at you drunkenly and with the rictus grin of hidden agenda, smash it. Or else you will soon find yourself in a pumpkin patch, another agent of holiday replication, wondering just what the hell happened to your Sunday. And as you boil slowly, you will watch the world transform into this seasonal nightmare, infecting your food and your sound, becoming time itself, completely unable to stop it or even grasp it in a physical sense, as you are taxidermied by a holiday sweater and mounted on the wall.

Happy fall, y’all.

American Circumcision, the award-winning documentary trailer.



“Gambler’s Fallacy” by Savestate Corrupted.

“The Catchy Country Cuck Tune” by Andreas Yngvesson



Dick Pics



A thumbnail that will not be crossed by Cliff Campbell.

Comments

comments