Useless Toddler Misses ‘Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo’ Speedrun Record by 7 Months, 23 Days

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Disgraced gamer Jake Marglous, 2, wrapped up his latest non-TAS speedrun of Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo earlier this week, with sources reporting a completion time of 7 months, 23 days, 14 hours, 47 minutes, and 13.7 seconds.

“He made some fatal mistakes about 2 minutes into his run,” noted professional speedrunner Nathaniel Lewis, who currently holds the ‘Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo’ world record at just shy of 34 seconds. “For example, instead of abusing the Sammy Seal deathwarp glitch to reset the game’s RNG sequencing at the crocodile pit, he went to go get his mom to show her what happens when you click on the singing crocodile. It might be a funny song, but it’s simply not necessary for this kind of Any% speedrun.”

Marglous’ speedrunning coach and older brother, Oscar, expressed some frustration with this particular sub-WR run.

“He fucking sucks,” said Marglous, crossing his arms. “I kept screaming at him to stop clicking on every goddamn fucking elephant and just finish the run, but Mom said I’d get my computer time taken away if I kept talking like that. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one in this family trying to raise him right.”

Marglous’ disappointing completion time caught the attention of the game’s lead designer, Ron Gilbert, who addressed the run at a small E3 panel.

“Look, I designed the game to be an easygoing, educational experience,” said Gilbert, “but this is just embarrassing. Seven months? It took me less than seven months to develop the entire game. Maybe he’s fucked in the head or something. I don’t know. This kid is going to have a hard life.”

When asked for a comment, Marglous simply noted that “Crocodiles funny [sic]” and that “Putt-Putt is Jake best friend ever. [sic]”

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