Well, here we are, just weeks into Kathleen Wynne’s small business killing minimum wage hike fiasco, and just as I predicted, my Tiki-themed casket store is closing its doors for good.

Right from the get-go, I knew this was coming. In a classic example of Liberal fiscal bacchanalia, Wynne jacked up the minimum wage. Where is that money going to come from? I’ll tell you where: from the pockets my would-be customers. Facing stiff competition and rising costs, I had no choice but to raise prices on all my culturally appropriated Polynesian funeral wares.

Oh, you want the premium King Kamehameha Grass Skirt 2 casket in Sunset Gold? A month ago it would have cost you an easy $6,500. Now? Try $10,000. It’s the only way I could afford to pay my sales staff the new minimum wage. Want authentic volcanic cremation and interment in a genuine hollowed out Tiki idol for $2500? Well now it’s $4000! And while your loved ones desperately want to send you off in class and style, no one can meet these high prices. My customers are gone!

While Kathleen tours the province in her “Wynnebago,” taking credit for “saving the working class,” she’s torpedoing small business owners like me. How many orders do you think I got for our Bamboo Coconut Eternity Shell in the past month? That’s right, just one. And while I appreciate the effort on my mom’s part, that’s not going to cover rent.

And you can forget about my funeral catering services pulling me out of this death spiral. No one is willing to pay the cost of having a spit roast pig dug into real Hawaiian beach sand at their wake anymore. Before the hike, people would have 100% been knocking down my door for my ultimate “Lei Thee To Rest” package, which included a hula performance, ukulele band, a full service Blue Curacao Pineapple Punch bar, and officiated by Crackers the eulogy macaw. But with these new staff rates I’m forced to pay for my 74 employees, I haven’t had a single phone call.

Don’t let my cautionary tale go to waste. Grab your mourning tiki torches, and show up at Queen’s Park shouting “Wynne Lose!” So thanks Premier Wynne, you can say “aloha” to this small business. And not the hello aloha, the goodbye aloha!

But don’t worry about me, everyone. I always land on my feet. My parents have already agreed to fund my next business venture: a big long hose that lets dogs use urinals.

Image by Deposit Photos/Flickr