Purchased at: Asian Market (Terre Haute, IN)

Cost: $2.99

Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daquiri

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think it sounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky has the stringy, stale texture of a dead girl’s hair. It is chewy like a water balloon. It is dry until you grind it between your teeth, at which point it seems to explode with fishy juices. Of course that’s just your saliva mixing with the powerful flavor of dried, prepared squid. Certain pieces pop in your mouth. I don’t know why… I don’t want to know why. The “hot” flavor is a mix of sweet, musk, salt and spice, which creates a really awkward, some say sickening blend of flavors on your palate.

The thing is, strangely enough, I love this stuff. I’ve given samples to lots of friends, and they’ve all decided that it is a truly atrocious product. My friend Sam Bowden almost vomited. My friend pat went home and kicked his dog. My dad hit my mom. My grandpa shot his horse. My preacher turned to drugs and alcohol. My girlfriend cheated on me with a black guy. Actually… Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever shared any of it with my girlfriend.

Anyway, maybe it is an acquired taste or something. Maybe none of my friends or family enjoy trying new things. Maybe I’m just messed up. Whatever the reason, I definitely love this Squid Jerky, and honestly prefer it over many brands and flavors of beef jerky. Squid has this sweet, chewy texture and is packed so full of flavor. It’s also much better for you than beef*. However, it makes your farts smell worse. Much worse.

*I have no idea which is the healthier option. I just like using asterisks.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Yeah! I love it as a delicious, lean, flavorful snack that makes your breath smell so awful that no woman, including your own mother, will want to kiss you ever again. It’s really quite sad, but if your palate is obviously as mutated and irregular as everyone seems to think mine is, you will certainly find indulging yourself in something as delicious as dried, prepared squid jerky to be a worthwhile trade off to intimacy or acceptance from your peers.

Find it in your local Asian market. It also comes in a regular flavor, if spicy foods aren’t really your cup of herbal tea.