Give me priests who are fat and corrupt and cynical, the sort who like to sit on soft satin cushions, nibble sweetmeats, and diddle little boys. It’s the one who believe in gods make the trouble.

Well, for the sake of this article, let’s forget that, Tyrion. And yeah, The Lord of The Books is back! After travelling through the war-scarred lands of Westeros (and curiously, never sensing winds of winter), he found many Gods there, The Old Gods and The New Gods, The Burning God and The Drowning God.

So, The Lord being The Lord, he sat down and began a deep analysis of The Gods, and now having come back to his dominion Earth, he gives you his findings:

THE OLD GODS



Looking at the power of the weirwoods, it looks as if the wands in Harry Potter are made out of them. Think about that for a moment!

Once widespread throughout the whole of Westeros, it now remains in the North only due to the Andals who came here with better warfare equipments and skills.

If not anything, this religion is durably stubborn, surviving even after 5,000-10,000 years and beyond (see, it’s the Hinduism of Westeros). The Children of the Forest used to worship them and then the First Men, who were once the arch rivals of the Children began worshipping them too. Now, that’s some self-propagation there.

Once, yes, once, the religion was very hardcore, having flaggings, flayings (where else do you think Boltons have got the skill, eh?) and rituals that required human sacrifices, but since then, it has turned for the better.

And it is powerful too, if gazing into the past and sometimes changing it (ask Hodor) is considered power. Hey, they made The Wall too!

Ah! But there’s a catch to their power: they only work where the weirwoods are. Now that’s some incentive to stop deforestation. The Lord lustily wishes that Earth also had something like that.

Power Rankings:

Durability – 1st

Expansion into other people – 1st

Sheer Power – 1st

No. of Followers – 2nd

Hardcore – 3rd

THE NEW GODS

Hey, these Gods were once human. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that we are Gods too. The Seven Billion Gods, that’s nice to hear!

The most widely followed religion in Westeros, consisting of The Father, The Mother, The Maiden, The Crone, The Smith, The Warrior and The Stranger, was brought to Westeros by The Andals, though it was by warfare, but independent propagation, as was once with The Old Gods and now with The Lord of The Light.

Although after The Faith has been armed, faith (no puns, please) has been renewed to the The Seven in some extent, but still, it is losing support after so many years of The Andal Conquest as people who often come in touch of other religions convert to those very religions (hello, the sept in Iron Islands!).

Nothing about this religion is hardcore. Although power is never provided by The Seven except the Stranger, the power of the religion is very huge due to the representatives of them on the Earth such as the Great Sept (read as: The Vatican), the High Septon (read as: the Pope) and reinvigorated Faith Militant (read as: Papal Militia).

A famous follower of the Seven Gods was Baelor the Blessed (fun fact: he imprisoned his own sisters for being too beautiful and thus distracting men).

Power Rankings:

No. of Followers – 1st

Sheer Power – 3rd

Hardcore – 4th

Durability – 4th

Expansion into other people – Never Recorded Freely Ever

THE DROWNED GOD

The basic belief of these people is that iron price is better than the gold price. I wish they lived among us. Gold wouldn’t have been so costly then.

Confined to the Iron Islands, these people are pirates gone insane. They rape, plunder and pillage, but with none of the charm and swagger of the pirates, perhaps with the exception of Euron (the Blackbeard of Game of Thrones). Their God has taught them to not live in a house, but to drown a child after its birth to see whether the Drowned God accepts the child or not.

Yes, their religion is a very hardcore one, and man, even the Andals who went there turned into the iron people. Of power, their God has none whatsoever to speak of. But still, every world needs pirates, so basically they have to exist.

I still wonder whether their Drowned God is not the Almighty Cthulhu? Anyone else agrees with me, huh?

Power Rankings:

Hardcore – 2nd

Durability – 2nd

No. of Followers – 3rd

Expansion into other people – 3rd

Sheer Power – 4th

THE LORD OF LIGHT

This one burns people alive. Ah, the poor witches of Salem, I hear your cries.

Although new, very new to the land of The Sunset Kingdoms, it is hardcore, if burning people is considered hardcore (shut up, Ramsay, we don’t want to hear your definition of hardcore).

And it is powerful, for it can summon storms and make prophecies and is clairvoyant. And, it can also give birth to shadow babies (yes, it sounds like a fetish cult). To sum it up for the Patchfaces of you: The Lord of Light is powerful.

And since people like to be powerful, people have accepted and converted into the religion. Look no longer than Dragonstone. And its durable, durable in a weird kind of way, as Queen Selyse without anything resembling guilt watches her brother being burnt (for the television noobs, look at Stannis and Shireen).

It takes the idea of a great good and a great evil always fighting each other from Zoroastrianism

It appears to me sometimes that the red woman is a witch, so the witches of Salem, perhaps in the end, there’s no sympathy for you.

Power Rankings:

Hardcore – 1st

Sheer Power – 2nd

Expansion into other people – 2nd

Durability – 3rd

No. of Followers – 4th

For a satire on A Song of Ice and Fire, click here.

Hey, so what are your thoughts on the analysis and the power rankings? Comment below and let the Lord know. Share this page to your relatives to help them pass their wait of the Season 7 and The Winds of Winter. Like our Facebook Page and subscribe to our newsletter (there’s a widget on the page) to keep getting more of such entertainment.