What you're discovering is one of the many ways in which virginity as a concept doesn't make sense. If you two pursue sexual pleasure together, however you choose to do it, you're having sex.

sexiguitargrrl asks:

I

am bisexual and my girlfriend and I are planning on having sex for the

first time. We both are virgins and want to lose it to each other but

don’t know how and how will we know that we lost it?

Heather replies:

What you’re discovering is one of the many ways in which virginity as a concept often doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

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Let me be plain: the way I see it, if you two choose to pursue sexual pleasure together, whatever you choose to do in that pursuit, you’re having sex; you’ll have had sex. That’s not

only the case for women partnered with women and men partnered with

men, but also for women partnered with men, or people having any kind

of sex together of any given gender or gender identity. We cannot

easily define what sex is or is not for all people, because when we try

and do that, we usually wind up leaving out a whole lot of people and

their sexual experiences. For example, you might not say that sex is

having your neck rubbed, if I feel sexual while I someone is doing that

to me, my partner feels sexual while doing it, and I reach orgasm that

way, to boot, how is that not sex? Conversely, while so many people

define vaginal intercourse as sex, if a given woman never enjoys that,

if it doesn’t feel sexual to her, and she never gets off with it, how

does it make sense to define that as sex for her? Ultimately, we have

to leave it up to everyone as individuals to define what sex is or

isn’t, because our experiences and sexualities are just too diverse to

try and fit us all into one box, and how I might define it for you is

inevitably going to be biased based on my own personal experiences,

ideals or agenda.

Let’s take a look at some of the conflicts the concept of virginity may pose to you and has posed for many.

We explain a lot at Scarleteen that virginity is not a medical term.

However, historically, many have made an attempt to try and make it a

medical term by considering the "loss" of virginity to be the

"breaking" of the hymen for women (there has never really been any such

attempt to medicalize virginity for men). That’s something we’ve known

to be flawed for some time now, for a bunch of reasons.

The hymen is a thin, elastic membrane tethered just within the

vaginal opening — which tends to cover it through childhood and some

of adolescence — which usually gradually erodes over time, a process

that most typically starts around puberty, and which can last anywhere

form several years to even decades.

That wearing away is typically due to a lot of different things: due

to vaginal secretions and menses, the increase of estrogen in the body,

general physical activity, partnered genital/vaginal sex or

masturbation of several types, even childbirth, since for some women,

the hymen will not have completely eroded by the time they give birth.

Generally, the hymen will start to develop what we call

"micro-openings," which get larger and larger over time, until

eventually, for most women, only a trace of the hymen is left — and

usually remains through life — just inside the vaginal opening. What

the hymen looks like as it wears away varies among women, and what rate

it wears away at also varies among women.

While some women may have a hymen earnestly break or tear — rather

than gradually wearing away — due to genital injury, rape or very

aggressive vaginal sex, for most, losing the hymen is not a one-shot

deal, something that happens all at once when any given woman has

intercourse or any one kind or incident of vaginal sex. Some women even

become pregnant with their hymens still largely intact (thanks to those

little micro-openings and the oft-mistaken idea that direct genital

contact with an intact hymen is safe), which is an occasional reality

that flies in the face of the historical notion that no previous

vaginal intercourse or a seemingly intact hymen means a woman’s progeny

can easily be tracked to the man responsible for first intercourse with

her or "breaking" her hymen.

Even for heterosexual women who define first sex as intercourse, if

what virginity is defined as is the "loss" of the hymen, then plenty of

women who have had intercourse will leave it still being virgins.

Conversely, plenty of women who have never had partnered sex, but whose

hymens have worn away or been torn would not be considered

virgins. There was so much ignorance about women’s bodies for so much

of history that until relatively recently, people just didn’t know all

of this stuff, and in some places still, they still don’t know

it, or choose to deny the reality of our anatomy in order to hold up a

cultural belief. These are some of the reasons why defining virginity

that way is seriously problematic, and why it is not a term you are

likely to hear a sound sexual healthcare provider use.

Since virginity as a concept has historically nearly always been —

and usually is still — about heterosexuals and also about marriage,

when we talk about virginity, we’re going to find ourselves talking

about heterosexuality, heterosexism and heteronormativity a lot. If

you’re looking in history for inclusion of lesbian women, or bisexual

or heterosexual women who have had sex with other women, when it comes

to concepts of virginity, give on up. There’s nothing to find.

However, even for heterosexual women, defining when they have had

"real" sex as when they have had vaginal intercourse is a strange thing

to do since a majority of women, vaginal intercourse isn’t an activity

where they are even likely to reach orgasm or experience as much

pleasure as they might with other activities, like oral or manual

clitoral stimulation. Like so much else when it comes to virginity (and

even sexuality as a whole) as a concept, this is another area where

what sex is and is not is being defined not based on all the bodies and

persons involved, but on one: while most women do not reach orgasm from

intercourse alone, most men do, and that’s who, through most of time,

has also been in charge of defining sex and virginity.

Lastly, I think the idea that when we choose to be sexual with

someone else, we "lose" something is pretty backwards. When we choose

to share our sexuality with someone else who also wants to share theirs

with us, we are creating something which did not exist before, not

losing something or taking something away from someone. We’re making

something new. While sometimes the notion of sex as loss is about loss

of childhood, the idea of sex as a loss mostly tends to come from

places you probably — especially as someone who loves women — would

not appreciate; from ideas about women as property, women as nonsexual

beings, women’s sexuality as an object or something to "give" to a

husband or man who "takes" it away, or women’s sexuality as something

rapists rob from us. One would hope that those kinds of notions would

be left well outside the bedroom in a healthy sexual relationship

between equals and partners who are seeking to share mutual physical

pleasure and emotional care or love.

What sex is and is not for any given person or couple just isn’t

something we can easily or universally define, because we are all

different, our sexualities all vary somewhat, and our sexual

experiences vary. How we have sex with someone isn’t one given thing:

some days, we may want to have oral and manual sex, some days, manual

sex all by itself, some days, shared massage with intercourse (and

women who want that with female partners can experience that with hands

or sex toys), some days, a lot of kissing, verbally sharing fantasy and

mutual masturbation. We find out how we have sex with a given partner

by talking with them, communicating in other ways, and experimenting

together to suss out what feels good and what doesn’t. That’s a

constant process, too (and part of what makes sex exciting): we don’t

learn how to have sex with any given activity once, and then do or

enjoy it exactly the same way every day or with every partner.

As well, what sex is and is not is not so simple as talking about

what tab is in what slot: it also has to do with what’s going on

interpersonally, emotionally and psychologically, which is, for

example, why rape — for the person being raped — is not sex, even

though some of the same things may be happening physically which two

people choose to do when both people are consenting and are seeking

shared pleasure and/or union.

Frankly, I’m a proponent of throwing away the whole notion of virginity. This is the 21st century, after all, not the 10th.

Personally, I just feel like it is a concept so steeped in the

oppression of women (and which historically and globally has been and

is sometimes still rife with violent and tragic consequences for many

women), in ignorance about sexuality, and in defining sex in ways that

strike me as counter to healthy, positive sexuality that it’s way past

reclaiming. Now, you may have a different opinion, and find that it is

something you want to reclaim and redefine for yourself. Some women,

despite the history, do find concepts of virginity personally

liberating. If you do want to do that, then the answer is that you get

to define it however you choose, in whatever way makes sense to you and

fits your reality. I can’t tell you how to do that or what that will

be, because I have no way of knowing what your experiences will be

like, what sexual activities you two will engage in, or what each of

your personal values are: this is one of those things you’re going to

have to find out about for yourself.

But what I’d suggest is that you consider allowing the sexual

experiences you two have together to determine what is meaningful and

enjoyable for you both: not for anyone else, just for the two of you.

I would also suggest that by all means, if you want to recognize and

celebrate any or all of your first-times with sex or a partner, that

you feel free to do that — however you define those first times —

with the love, awareness, reverence or delight you feel. First-times of

all sorts are important to many people, and we can recognize and honor

them whether or not they have anything to do with anyone’s pre-existing

ideals or standards: we all get to determine what our own milestones

are. I would suggest that you focus not on any kind of loss, but on the

quality of the sex and relationship you are discovering, creating and

cultivating, and on you two exploring sexual activities together based

on what feels authentic and good for you both — physically,

intellectually and emotionally — and which is a unique reflection of

who you both are separately and together as a couple. I’d suggest that

you bear in mind that despite numerous attempts to try and make it so,

there never has been and never will be a one-size-fits-all definition

of what sex is or isn’t for all of us. Sex between people, or even

alone with masturbation, has always been diverse and highly individual

when people let it be that way, rather than trying to do what they

think they’re supposed to, or try and fit someone else’s set of ideals

or cultural mandates.

The great part about approaching sex with someone in these ways is

that this kind of approach also tends to be what results in a sex life

which everyone involved will feel best about and enjoy most.

Here are a few additional links to round this all out for you: