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The New York Times obtained secret audio of a meeting attended by top Republican leaders this past Saturday, and my favorite tidbit is their speculation that Texas Senator Ted Cruz may lose his reelection bid because he’s not “likable” enough.


“There’s a very real possibility we will win a race for Senate in Florida and lose a race in Texas for Senate, OK?” Mick Mulvaney, the federal budget director, said according to the Times. “I don’t think it’s likely, but it’s a possibility. How likable is a candidate? That still counts.”

To which I say: hahhahahhahahaha. Godspeed Ted Cruz, who is clearly not an animatronic wax doll nor a serial killer and totally knows what to do with his arms at all times.


Over the weekend, Cruz brushed off Mulvaney’s speculation, but it seems like the question of whether people really, truly like him has been weighing heavily on him anyway. At a campaign stop over the weekend, Cruz attempted to win over his audience by taking a dig at California liberals—one of the lowest common denominator insults in Texas and really, I think, kind of a lazy joke, Ted!—saying, “They want us to be just like California, right down to tofu and silicon and dyed hair.”

Dyed hair? Tofu? Have you been to Dallas or the inside of an H-E-B, Ted??? Cruz, rightfully, was clowned for his statement.

Still, this ranks pretty low on the list of times that he’s tried his hardest to present himself as a totally normal human being and a fun-loving family guy. As a native Texan, I always love the chance to heap scorn upon Ted, so as a public service, here is an incomplete list of the times that he’s tried to win us over, and failed.

That time he feigned amazement upon gazing at a cow made of butter:


That time his daughter refused his hug:


That other time his daughter refused his hug (RIP Gawker):


This incredibly painful to watch raw campaign ad footage in which Cruz valiantly tries to paint himself as a family man (some highlights: his wife, Heidi, tri es to describe him and lands on “He is Ted Cruz..... he will always be Ted Cruz;” his niece says Cruz is like her best friend “almost”):

The time he made a mock video auditioning for The Simpsons in which he clearly thinks he is being relatable but instead comes off as a man who has definitely tried to fuck a couch cushion:

The time he tried to do a hug:


Incredible memories, all.