A non-union construction crew made a historic discovery in Old Town Newhall recently when they uncovered an elaborate tunnel stretching for many miles, leading south on Main Street and forking west to Six Flag’s Magic Mountain, officials said Monday.

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

Contractors uncovered a variety of tombs replicating the ancient Christian Catacombs discovered throughout Metropolitan Rome in 1918. Caverns and passages filled with thousands of skeletons, burial crypts and ancient rare artifacts extend for miles underneath Newhall and Valencia, according to officials.

Being dubbed the “Santa Clarita Catacombs,” leading archeologists from around the world are descending on Old Town Newhall to verify the find.

City Manager Ken Striplin announced the Santa Clarita Catacombs are part of City property due to their underground location, and there will be no compensation to any above-ground property owners.

“These catacombs run hundreds of feet below ground, way below the limits of ownership on any grant deed,” Striplin said. “We’re considering an additional property assessment for businesses on the electricity usage for the lights we plan to install inside the tunnels.”

The City’s seizure of the rights to the Catacombs has already sparked controversy. Santa Clarita Mayor Marsha McLean is proposing a Santa Clarita residents season pass to the Catacombs at a reduced price to mitigate brewing citizen outrage.

“We’re also offering a special burial package for local residents,” beamed the enthused mayor. “I’m planning on calling it Santa Clarita’s King Tut special.”

Santa Clarita Mayor Pro-Tem Cameron Smyth was not as quick to commit to the City’s catacomb grab. Smyth, who usually likes to play things politically safe, is calling for the City to test the waters before locking in the price of a resident season pass to the catacombs.

“We’ll have unforeseen costs to absorb in preparing the catacombs for tourists,” he said. “Who knows how much more we’ll have to spend to install gender-neutral restrooms?”

Speculation on the origins of the Santa Clarita Catacombs is running rampant. Archeologists claim they were built by the Romans back in the 2nd century AD. Others believe the Tatavian Indians, who inhabited the Santa Clarita Valley in 450AD, were responsible.

“Those skeletons look so real,” added the mayor.

State Senator Scott Wilk is completing a quick refresher course on his ancient Roman history.

“We’re setting up a database immediately to make certain the Dems don’t use those dead bodies on any ballots in the 2020 election,” Wilk said.

Former Assemblyman Dante Acosta agrees, noting, “It’s another reason why I’m sitting around worrying about our water supply instead of serving in Sacramento. If our local Dems aren’t going to use the names from those crypts, maybe we can.”

When KHTS asked Assemblywoman Christy Smith for a response to Acosta’s comments, she replied, “I have a lot of respect for Dante; however, if he’s implying we’re going to go after names off those crypts, he’s been drinking Kool-Aid instead of Santa Clarita water. We don’t need any of those names when there’s a wealth of unregistered voters still available in our valley.”

The catacombs contain eight layers, each going back many centuries. There are hundreds of underground passages. Experts aren’t sure if they preclude the Roman catacombs, while some feel they were built around the same era.

“Either way, this is a marketing gold mine,” shared City Councilmember Bill Miranda, who isn’t shy when it comes to endorsing a product, be it Advanced Audiology hearing aids, or more recently, a 2.4-mile section of the proposed “Trump Wall” a few miles northeast of Tijuana.

“This is the first time I agree with Bill,” reflected City Councilman Bob Kellar. “Imagine the variety of charity wine tastings we can initiate down there, and those G-string togas should really be a boost for our Santa Clarita tourism numbers next year — sweet Lord. And let me tell you, that Cleopatra was some lady. If she were around today, she’d create a whole new definition for the #MeToo Movement. You can quote me on it.”

“That’s exactly the kind of rhetoric I’d expect from Bob,” quipped former Santa Clarita Mayor Laurene Weste. “That’s why we voted Cameron Smyth in as Mayor Pro-tem. Sweet lord, my (expletive deleted).”

Weste failed to disclose her potential conflict of interest, as neighboring property values are expected to soar. One catacomb tunnel is reported to branch out right under Weste’s Newhall ranch property.

Mayor Pro-Tem Smyth agrees with Weste.

“Sometimes Bob can get a little carried away,” he said. “Although, who can argue with G-string togas?”

In the most bizarre claim to the origin of the Santa Clarita Catacombs, Sue Carpenter, spokesperson for Six Flag’s Magic Mountain, claims the catacombs were built much more recently as an extension to their annual Fright Fest.

However, construction was never completed when funds were diverted for the renovation of “Superman, The Ride.” At a press conference, Carpenter was joined by a renowned geologist who stated there is validity to Six Flag’s claim, since a rock found inside the Santa Clarita Catacombs dates to the same year Krypton exploded.

“I never realized Krypton was a planet,” reflected Mayor McLean. “That’s the one in our galaxy that’s just after Neptune, right?”

College of the Canyon’s Chancellor Dianne Van Hook is ecstatic.

“The catacombs are a terrific companion to the groundbreaking ceremony we are holding on our Canyon Country campus for our new planetarium,” she said.

KHTS asked Van Hook if there was truth to the rumor the new building will be named the Steve Petzold Planetarium.

The chancellor replied, “There might be; however, we plan on keeping our restraining order on Steve current to prevent any potential mishaps. I’ve also made a commitment to change the quotes in my speeches from 18th century philosophers to Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony and Cleopatra. I can’t wait to work in the first, Et Tu Brutus, into my next speech.”

Congresswoman Katie Hill is planning a rare public appearance inside the catacombs.

“It’s the perfect opportunity for me to meet with the original stakeholders in our valley to make sure they are fairly represented,” Hill said. “They may not have a voice remaining, but they’ve got Katie on their side.”

City Community Development Director Tom Cole will have to do some creative code juggling to make certain the catacombs fit the new Old Town Newhall master plan.

“We blew it three times with Old Town, first with that stupid back-end parking, then we paid off an auto repair shop hundreds of thousands of dollars to move out of their location, forgetting to not allow them to move across the street,” he said. “And more recently, we granted a permit to a pool supply store to go in on one of our key corners that’s designated for cool retail space. Staff thought pool supplies fit into the ‘cool’ category. Go figure?”

For the first time in over a decade, Tony Bell, communications deputy for Los Angeles County Supervisor Kathryn Barger, did not issue a press release on the catacomb discovery in Santa Clarita.

However, Bell did say in a statement, “We felt it would be inappropriate for the supervisor to comment on yet another example of why KHTS should never be allowed to operate on April Fool’s Day.”

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

To read previous KHTS April Fool’s Pranks: Related Stories

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