Anyone in therapy or studying a form of psychology might be familiar with the concept of "object constancy". This refers to a person's ability to recreate or remember feelings of love that were present between themselves and another person after the other person is no longer physically there.



For as long as I can remember, this has been something I have struggled with. Even in primary school, I can recall how much I'd treasure scraps of notepaper from class that would "prove" I had interacted with a friend via some scribbles, or any other token or souvenir that could only be attained by being someone's friend. Photos or presents are ideal. Whatever the keepsake, I never have enough. It never feels like enough.



This is because of my ineptness at maintaining object constancy. I always struggle to feel loved by a person unless they are in the process of demonstrating it to me - I just can't feel it unless I'm seeing it, touching it, or hearing it. Otherwise I feel totally disconnected, and potentially abandoned.







It's not that I don't love or appreciate the aspects of relationships that have lasted over time, it's just that I just can't remember them on my own. I need prompting. I have to be reminded of individual events, stories, and resulting emotions from throughout the relationship to get the full benefit of them having occurred.



I can only imagine how exhausting this is to those who love me. My relationships are a never-ending quest for the other person to prove their loyalty, devotion, and caring.



But because my brain can't preserve those efforts, it's the emotional equivalent of typing up a Microsoft Word document that can't save. Every time you close the window, whatever you've written is gone, and you have to start again.



I'm not sure who gets the worst end of the deal with this symptom. My loved ones, who can never do enough, or myself, given I can never feel permanently loved.



It's entirely feasible that a boyfriend of years has met a new partner since I saw them two hours ago, or that a best friend hates me after one cranky text message, or that a family member has disowned me because I didn't give them a Christmas hug. It's feasible that people would do this to me, because I could do it to them.



It's that classic BPD trait of being able to "switch" or "split" and see someone as either all good or all bad. Lacking object constancy is a big part of what makes this possible. It's easy to switch to hating someone for one wrong move if you're unable to remind yourself of the many, many times they've done something right.



In reverse, I can honestly say that it is entirely possible for me to love a friend I have known for one day as much as a friend I have known for one decade, if the chemistry is right and if I view them as "all good".



Researchers have linked problems with object constancy to dysfunction in the area of the brain that deals with emotional memory. The memories are there, but some parts of the brain just aren't talking to each other for me to be able to access them.



Dealing with this symptom is just another case of having to intervene in my thought processes manually, where a mentally healthy person would enjoy it on automatic.





For me, I find it helpful to carry around pictures and notes from loved ones, as well as any gifts I've been given. Also, on the more extreme end of things, I've got my four closest family member's names tattooed on my back. Every morning I look in the mirror and am reminded.

If I come up with other ways to deal with this, I'll be sure to post them here.