At a Glance: SWAP.avi. It is always written in those terrible capital letters, as though the filename itself is screaming at you in startled horror. It can only be expressed aloud as the strangled cry of a sailor who has just spotted an iceberg looming out of fog or the trails of compressed air on the ocean's surface that lead back to a lurking U-boat. It is both warning and epitaph. It is a sun-bleached skeleton in a hanging cage. It is a thieving child's severed head nailed to the wall above the jars of sweet pickled plums in a candied fruit shop. SWAP.avi is not so much a pornographic video as it is a death, final and uncompromising. Nation of Origin: Brazil, where hearts were entertaining June, you'll stand beneath an amber moon and blow out the back of your head with a 10 gauge shotgun. Languages: English and the blasphemous flatus expelled by the godless walking asses of the Brasilian jungle primeval. Sexual Content: Imagine if the Holocaust was a 63 minute long video about pooping. Now imagine your mother drowning in a bathtub full of diarrhea. This is the sexual content of SWAP.avi.



Lesson: the Chinese may land on the moon. There are moments in American history when a single event, the news of which is propagated by means of television, radio and the Internet, has provoked a dramatic shift in the zeitgeist. One would assume that this phenomenon of sudden and often unexpected cultural upheaval is not unique to the United States, as other nations are also composed of humans with similar (although slightly smaller and more horrid) hands, faces and brains.

Every American alive at the time remembers the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the faked video of the moon landing and the recent tragedy of 9/11. As the news of these events spread it became apparent that in those scant seconds the world had changed. No longer did JFK regale Americans with tales of his sexual conquests and attempt to convert bewildered children to the ancient cult of the Catholics. No longer could we sleep in our beds at night assured that the cosmic seeds of Chinamen would never find purchase in alien soil. No longer could we cling to the illusory belief that our skyscrapers were immune to the fell mischief of Loki.

Many of you were probably alive during the events of 9/11/2001 and many of you are probably Americans. If you were not alive yet or you are not an American then I salute you for your ability to read American and suggest you skip past the next paragraph or perhaps amuse yourself by placing an entire set of keys in your mouth.

For those of you from Odin's country, I ask you to recall those hours after you witnessed the ruinous work of the Trickster upon Manhattan's skyline. Recall the stunned daze as you shuffled about your tasks or stared numbly at the televisor screen in your habicube. Remember the way the very earth beneath your feet seemed to sway and shift, as though it were the deck of a longboat crossing the vast gulf of the Atlantic. You were adrift and fearful of this grim absence of certainty called "the future", willing to cling to strange comforts such as magnetic flags and George Bushes.

If this introduction seems to have strayed into the realm of unrestrained melodrama, let me assure you it is only due to the gravity of my subject matter. Today we will be discussing the origins, history, reality and consequences of SWAP.avi, the worst pornographic video ever created. By the end of this article you will have experienced, at best, one of the world-changing moments I have alluded to and, at worst, you will spontaneously combust.

Gentle readers, you have been warned. To proceed is to cast caution to the wind and jeopardize the touch-paper of your sanity to an unquenchable fire of tumult. Whether you are frail and weak-willed or hale and sound of mind, the advice remains the same; turn back before you learn that which cannot be unlearnt.