All parents have limits. Even the most patient, connected, attached parents can reach the point when they are ready to hurl themselves out of the window from sheer sleep-deprivation-induced insanity. Anybody who has me on their facebook friends list will know that recently I have been dealing with some serious nightwaking, and I admit that at times (always at 3am after the 6273647626th waking of the night) I have wondered whether I could continue in my efforts to never let my baby cry it out.

I know that our sleep issues will soon resolve themselves – in the meantime I am doing all I can to ensure I get enough rest to be able to cope with Squishy’s night time needs. I am so very glad that we stuck to our principles and refused to train him. My oldest son, Monkey, was also seemingly allergic to sleep in the first year of his life, and I am proud to say that he also was never left to cry himself to sleep, no matter how many times he awoke (it was a lot, by the way).

This difficult stage in our lives has really made me think about why I make the parenting choices that I make. During the recent height of Squishy’s sleepless stage (try saying that at speed when you’re sleep deprived) I read lots of books and online articles about babies and sleep, the majority of them by people who hold the same parenting philosophy as I do. However, it was the articles and books written by the CIO/Controlled Crying advocates that really cemented my belief that sleep-training babies is wrong. Now I feel that I can really put into words the reasons why I don’t subscribe to this night-time baby training business – and here they are.

(A side note – dealing with nightwaking is HARD. I know that. I am one of those people who NEEDS sleep, and having two children who didn’t (and don’t) seem to need much has been difficult and has shown me sides of myself that I don’t much care for. Please don’t think that I am one of these mums who preaches from her pedestal having not experienced just how tough it can be – I know. I’ve been there, and I’m still there now. I am not saying that we should all joyfully leap out of our beds a million times a night to tend to our babies, and I am all for gentle ways to encourage our babies to sleep better when they are physiologically and emotionally ready. What I am not, and never will be down with is the systematic and prolonged abandonment of children left to ‘teach themselves to sleep’.)

Reason #1 – Sleep Training is Not Fair

This may get some peoples’ backs up but quite frankly, I’m not worried about that. I don’t care how you dress it up; leaving little babies to cry by themselves in a dark room is not fair. Period. Most of them aren’t crying because they are ‘frustrated due to learning a new skill’ (falling asleep alone), as I read in one book. They DEFINITELY aren’t crying because they are devious little manipulators. They are crying because they need the comfort and love of a parent, and that need is as real and as valid as their need for food.

I am not talking about leaving a baby to grumble for five minutes before falling asleep – we all know babies that seem to need that 5-minute wind-down time alone (not that either of mine have been like that). A few minutes of fussing is completely different to prolonged, distressed screaming night after night from a confused, frightened and lonely child. Babies don’t understand that mama is exhausted and needs sleep – all they understand are the overwhelming feelings of need; of emotional pain and longing. We may know that our babies are safe in their rooms, but they do not know this. Their instincts are telling them that they are alone, and therefore in great danger.

No sane parent makes choices for their kids that they don’t believe are in their children’s best interest. I am not saying that parents who use these methods are intrinsically cruel; I am saying that the methods themselves are cruel. Listen to your hearts, mamas.

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Reason #2 – Sleep Training Doesn’t Work Long-Term

Using sleep-training methods, be they the good ol’ CIO method or the supposedly more humane Controlled Crying (ugh), are short-term solutions. With most babies they do ‘work’, in that within a few nights the baby will probably be sleeping alone and for longer stretches. But what happens when baby gets sick or is teething? What happens when the family takes a holiday somewhere and the routine gets messed up? They have to do the whole stinking awful process all over again. Children who have learnt healthy sleep habits in their own time, in an environment of love and respect, will be much more capable of slipping in and out of routine without much uproar. Co-sleeping babies will usually sleep anywhere, as long as they have a warm body to snuggle up against.

When we sign up for parenthood, we don’t expect to be excused from our responsibility to our children between the hours of 7pm and 7am.

Reason #3 – Sleep Training Is Dangerous

When a child cries, cortisol floods the body to help the child deal with the stress they are under. The rush of cortisol creates a fight-or-flight response in the body, putting the child under a lot of emotional and physical strain. Being subjected to this over and over again can be very damaging. Research suggests that children who have been conditioned to high levels of cortisol may be more prone to aggression later in life.

It makes sense, really. A baby’s brain is constantly growing and making new connections. By allowing this stress response in the body repeatedly, you are allowing the brain to become accustomed to stress and hardship.

In addition to this, it must be noted that it is normal for babies to sleep lightly, and for short periods. It is thought that the baby being in too deep a sleep, unable to rouse herself when experiencing a normal episode of apnoea, may cause some SIDS deaths. Sleep training teaches babies to sleep for long periods of time, and this is unnatural. It is better to find ways to cope with the lack of sleep (co-sleeping, daytime naps, early nights) than it is to try to change what is natural and normal behaviour for the baby.

There has not been enough research done to prove that sleep training harms children, BUT there is also not enough to prove that it does no harm. And that isn’t a risk I am willing to take.

Reason #4 – You Risk Losing your Baby’s Trust

Our babies rely on us for everything. They are small, helpless little creatures that are completely at our mercy. The trust that they have for us is a precious gift, given to us when we give birth to them. Our babies believe that we will be there for them unconditionally, so when we refuse to parent them in the same way at night as we do in the daytime – answering their cries, cuddling when they are sad, feeding them when they are hungry – they become confused. I refuse to risk breaking that sacred bond of trust that is formed at birth.

There has not been enough research done to prove that sleep training harms children, BUT there is also not enough to prove that it does no harm. And that isn’t a risk I am willing to take.

Reason #5 – Sleep Training Is Unnatural

Like I’ve previously mentioned in this post, there’s a reason why sleep training is hard. The cry of your child is a sound that penetrates every single part of your body. The sound causes your blood pressure to rise and your pulse to race. To comfort your crying baby is a compelling, biological urge. Answering your baby’s call does not make you weak and it certainly doesn’t mean you are spoiling them. To want to comfort your baby is natural, normal and desirable.

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Reason #6 – Sleep Training Negatively Affects Breastfeeding

If a mama is nursing her baby, it is especially important that she feeds often at night. Levels of prolactin are higher at night time, and this hormone is responsible for milk production. In the case of younger babies (<6months old), cue feeding at night is imperative for their continued growth, health and for maintaining mum’s supply. Scheduling feeds at any time, let alone under the age of 6 months – or even night weaning, as some baby trainers suggest – is damaging to the breastfeeding relationship and may even result in babies failing to thrive (FTT). If night weaning must be done, it shouldn’t be attempted until the baby is at LEAST twelve months old.

Over the age of 6 months, and once the baby has an interest in solid foods (this may come much later than 6 months), feeding at night is still important. Babies of this age are very busy little creatures – Ooh mummy, look at THIS! There’s DADDY! Ooh, the doorbell rang! What’s big brother doing? – therefore they may not spend as much time at the breast in the day time as they need to in order to get what they need. So, they make up for it at night. It’s called Reverse Cycling, and it’s normal at this age. By refusing to feed them during the night you could be depriving them of necessary nutrients, even if they appear to ‘tank up’ during the day. Breastmilk cannot be quantified, so there is no way of telling if they’ve had ‘enough’.

Reason #7 – It Sets The Tone for Future Parenting

Would I miss my son’s music recital/appearance in a play/football game/etc because I was tired and it was inconvenient to go? And would I try to convince myself that it was for his own good, so that he did’t become too reliant on me? No. I would make sure I could be there, even if it meant re-shuffling my schedule or missing a much-needed opportunity for a nap, because by not going I would be letting him down. Why is nighttime parenting any different? When we sign up for parenthood, we don’t expect to be excused from our responsibility to our children between the hours of 7pm and 7am.

Reason #8 – Sleep Training Impairs your Connection with your Child

The bond between mother and child is natural, but it also needs to be nurtured. Why spend all day making an effort to be present with your child; to connect with them and bond with them only to test that attachment to its absolute limit that very night? Continued abandonment at night will help erode that connection you work so hard to create and maintain.

After a busy day, we can all feel that connection fade. I figure it must be better to end the day snuggled up in bed with your babe (whether you have a family bed, or just snuggle to sleep before placing them in the crib), enabling you to reconnect with them, than to end it listening to them cry themselves to sleep.