According to The New York Times (which is like saying "according to ugly fat pants”), families are hiring "screentime coaches" to help pry smartphones away from their kids.

These screen-free "parenting coaches" offer advice that boils down to: "Go outside and kick a ball." That advice costs hundreds of dollars. So it’s no wonder it’s a trend among rich parents who still read the Times.

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Only Times readers would actually pay for advice that a Fox host would give them for free.

Not to say this isn't a problem. But it's a joke for parents to discipline kids if they can’t discipline themselves. You know mom has her own Facebook page, and God knows what dad searches for when she's out of town.

The bottom line: it’s a new world. Humans have grown a new, permanent electronic appendage.

The key: Find things that beat staring at a screen. A pet. A hobby. A day at the firing range. The problem is they'll just Instagram everything.

So I say accept it. Lay down some ground rules. Screw the consultants.

A: If you share a picture of any body part, the phone's gone for a year. And so is the body part.

B: If you share any family info, you go back to the orphanage.

C: If I catch you texting while driving, the phone stays in the car, and the car goes in the lake.

That's all. So it’s not that hard.

And consider what we did before smartphones. Doorbell ditching. Crank calls, mooning traffic, lawn darts. A kid's life was dangerous. Full of stitches, scabs and Little League coaches who stunk of rye.

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At least with smartphones, you'll live longer.

Even if it’s hardly living at all.

Adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s monologue on "The Five" on July 11, 2019.

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