Stick to the Program... of Lying Down in the Street: In the original cut of the mediocre but memorable 1993 football drama The Program, drunken characters lie down in the road as a test of manhood. They survive. In real life, a kid was killed and two others were injured in an attempt to duplicate this "stunt." Touchstone pulled the scene from the movie. If all it takes to get a movie censored is to emulate that movie in such a way that results in death, please excuse me while I start a daddy day camp and kill Fred Savage*.

Scream Mask Crimes: The 1996 movie "Scream" was influential for several reasons--it reinvigorated the horror genre, it launched the film careers of Neve Campbell and Jamie Kennedy (thank the lord for that), it gave us "Dawson's Creek" (via writer Kevin Williamson). And, most importantly, it provided criminals with a new favorite mask to do their crimes in. A google search for "scream mask crime" heeds several stories from local news outlets throughout our great country. "'Scream' robber is sentenced" goes one headline from Missouri, another in Nebraska reports on a rash of robberies involving Scream masks. Shootings? You bet. Hell, in France, they've got murders, stabbings and rapes, all in Scream masks. All mischief at least in party inspired by the film and its infamous mask. Our favorite Scream-relataed crime? This dude, setting off fireworks in a store in England.



Oldboy and Cho Seung-Hui: While the Virginia Tech maniac didn't succeed at emulating (or understanding) the Korean revenge masterpiece Oldboy, he did include a picture of himself with a hammer in his press packet, the imagery for which was obviously lifted directly from the film. Of course, since Cho failed so miserably in grasping the core ethics of the film he thought he was so cleverly referencing, it might be debatable whether or not this qualifies as imitation. But it is imitation -- it's just bad imitation. It's like arguing whether he was a writer. Oh, he was a writer. He wrote. He was just a bad writer, and angry about it.

Red Hoodies for Hard Candy: It's the fourth item, and finally we have one that's not only misguided, but flat out contradictory to it's movie inspiration. Surf Safe, Wear Red is a web movement that calls for its supporters to wear a red hooded sweatshirt -- like the main character of Hard Candy -- as a symbol of internet safety and anti-violence. Hard Candy is about a fourteen year old girl who takes a trip to a pedophile's house and tortures him, to put it gently. There should be a disclaimer on the website that not everybody gets to "surf safe" under their tacit plan. Some people just get to be tortured. And I'm not saying that pedophiles shouldn't be tortured. I'm just saying that if you're against violence, you should consider an anti-torture stance. They kind of go hand-in-hand.

Taxi Driver Assassination Obsession: John Hinkley, Jr, the man who almost martyred Ronald Reagan, was a very disturbed individual. He had stalked Jimmy Carter previously and had an unhealthy obsession with Jodie Foster. He was also obsessed with the Martin Scorsese film "Taxi Driver." So much so, in fact, that he believed he was the lead character, Travis Bickle. Funny thing is that Bickle isn't really a sympathetic character in the film. He's also a loose cannon with some mental issues and obsessions of his own. When Bickle attempts to assassinate a Senator, we're supposed to believe he has slipped off the deep end. And, when we see Bickle murder the pimps and johns who have abused the character played by a young Jodie Foster, we're not led to cheer but to watch in confused horror. Clearly, John Hinkley did not understand the film. The same thing can be said for the lunatics who cite "Catcher In The Rye" as an influence for their various crimes. My question is, "Why do the nuts always take the great films and books?" Why can't we have some lunatics inspired by, say, "Robocop 3" instead. Lunatics, stop stealing our good shit, please.

Fight Clubs: I think that, in the world of street brawling, the "B.C."/"A.D." before and after moment was the release of the 1999 film "Fight Club." The David Fincher-directed, Brad Pitt and Edward Norton-starring film (which was based on a book by Chuck Palahniuk) gave a respectable face to idiotic brawlers everywhere. Before "Fight Club," if you got into a street fight, you were a drunken brute. After "Fight Club," you could still be a drunken brute. But the possibility that you were a disenfranchised, dehumanized corporate drone trying to act out his inner manliness also existed. Thanks to the film, fight clubs (both legitimate and illegitimate) sprung up all over the country. Some, like the ones that popped up in Silicon Valley, seemed inspired. Others, like the high school-aged, testosterone drenched back alley fight clubs, really should've gone without being "legitimized" by the film. Oh well. If the crazies can steal great movies, the douchebags can too.

The Resurgence of Dodgeball: Like the movie, which -- in spite of a solid comedy pedigree -- goes painfully long stretches between jokes and/or Vince Vaughan reaction shots, the sport of dodgeball has overstayed its welcome. I am aware that this opinion injection is probably unpopular and definitely unnecessary, but sometimes you just need to get something off your chest. For me, it's usually my shirt or syrup or both, but this time it's dodgeball-related, so there you have it. End of tangent. Dodgeball, probably the dumbest game ever invented, and possibly one of the most fun if you aren't bad at it, came back in a big way following the release of the eponymous Stiller movie. A semi professional league really came together, and some of the matches were actually televised. For those who were home schooled, there are exactly four possible actions in dodgeball. You can catch, you can throw, you can dodge, or you can get hit by a ball. That's it. It's not much of a spectator sport. So, expectedly, when buzz for the movie faded, the sport was once again forgotten. And then, eventually, Balls of Fury came out, and everyone in China continued their table tennis dominance, and everyone everywhere else continued not caring.

The Shawshank Replication: When the story broke late in 07 that two inmates in New Jersey broke out of prison using a poster to cover up a hole they had dug in their jail cell, 20-somethings everywhere instantly uttered "Shawshank!" under their breaths. That's because the prison break is eerily similar to the one used by Tim Robbins' character in the film "The Shawshank Redemption." If the inmates hadn't seen the film, I'd be shocked. And the fact that they got away with it says that no matter how many times TBS reruns the film, it is still not a widely-received classic. The new test for whether or not your film has broad, mainstream appeal? See if the staff of a prison has seen it. Unfortunately, the two jerks who escaped taunted a prison guard in their escape letter. That guard sadly committed suicide soon after the escape. The two d-bags were also recently caught, which is something that never happens in "Shawshank."

Man on Fire's Russian Roulette: The surprisingly entertaining Tony Scott movie could have gained a peripheral Darwin Award when it contributed to the death of a 27-year-old Florida man. The man was watching the scene in which Denzel Washington plays Russian Roulette and then, since he had a gun, and since he had evidently never heard of either Russian Roulette or what happens when you lose, began to play the game by himself. For those of you who haven't seen Man on Fire, Deerhunter, or any of the other thousands of movies containing a Russian Roulette scene, it's generally a high-stakes game of chance or at least a heavily-witnessed rite of passage. In other words, it's not something you do immediately after you see Denzel Washington do it in the magic box in your living room. Now, if you happen to be in your living room with black football players and white football players who need to learn how to respect each other, feel free to take a cue from Denzel. But if he's doing something that might result in a bullet in his temple, sleep on it. See? It's a fine line.

Weekend at Bernie's III: "Weekend At Bernie's" is a horrible film from the 1980s where two doofuses drag around the corpse of their recently deceased boss (the titular "Bernie") for a weekend. The film sucked for two reasons--#1) it wasn't at all funny. And #2) the premise was totally implausible. Well, a pair of doofuses in New York proved my 2nd point wrong a few weeks ago. James O'Hare and David Daloia, of New York, NY, pushed the "lifeless body" of their friend Virgilio Cintron to a check cashing place so they could cash his check. The two claim they had no idea their roomie was dead. Even if he was sleeping, guys, it's probably not nice to throw him in a wheelbarrow and try to cash his check.

* He directed Daddy Day Camp. Did he already run through that Wonder Years fortune? Invest your money, kids.

