Good evening, Pep. I am Zlatan.

I don't know what time it is where you are, but I imagine you spend a lot of hours trying to sleep now that you are no longer in football and your life is meaningless. Well, did you happen to wake from your latest slumber with the jolt of a million Zlatts (Zlatan watts) of energy coursing through your body for seemingly no reason whatsoever? You should have. And it should have been more terrifying than a zombified dinosaur with Zlatan-like Taekwondo skills and more exhilarating than a kiss to the sternum from my foot. Yes, Pep, if you check the caller ID on this wake-up call, it will only read "Your daddy" and then in parentheses "Ibrahimovic, Zlatan."

As everyone else is aware, I scored a typically Zlatnificent goal against England. Actually, I scored four, but the last one -- oh, the last one was just for you, Pep. Allow me to paint the picture with words in a way that will make the frescos in the Sistine Chapel crumble out of shame and because they are more than 500 years old.

Joe Hart came out of the penalty area because, like you Pep, he is not as smart as me and he probably also wanted my autograph. He then headed the ball high into the Swedish night sky. But this was not a problem for me because that is where I live. I swim laps through the clouds and cook pizza with the sun. So, I chased the ball down like it was a disrespectful journalist. The gods tried to keep the ball out of my reach, Pep, but the pull of Zlatan is too strong for them! As it fell into my trap, I executed a move that instantly ruined every Olympic gymnasts' opinion of themselves and blasted the ball towards the goal, at an angle, 30 meters away, with a Zlatcycle kick so powerful that it forced your hair to fall out several years before I even did it.

One of the defenders tried to clear my latest miracle off the goal line, but he was too late. The ball was in the net, the world was at my feet and it became obvious to everyone why you felt the need to leave the sport after selling me. As I say every time I play chess, "checkmate, Pep." I am the grandmaster. I am Zlatan. Now go back to sleep. I have some smiling to do. At your expense.

Ponytail whip!

Video of Zlatan's special goal can be seen here.