What's the world coming to when you can get your $1.45 million bulletproof SUV with gold trim, a ridiculously expensive Vertu cellphone and three bottles of premium vodka, but you can't get the whale-penis-skin interior?

We have environmentalists and Pamela Anderson to thank for this.

This bizarre story starts in Russia with a company called Dartz, which recently unveiled the Pombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition SUV. Yes, that's the official name of this four-ton motorized bank vault.

To say this monstrosity is opulent is like saying Oprah has money. Ostentatious doesn't begin to describe a vehicle with gold-plated window surrounds, gauges encrusted with diamonds and rubies, and an exhaust system made from tungsten. But what really stood out was the whale-penis leather seats.

Yes, you read that correctly, whale penis.

As you can imagine, greenies got more than a bit miffed by the idea, which we suspect was more of a publicity stunt than an option oligarchs and sheiks could actually tick on the order sheet. After all, we're talking about Dartz, whose website never misses a chance to drop an S in favor of a Z to spell things like "carz."

Whatever the case, Dartz has scuttled the exotic material. It's just put out a press release, signed by a fellow by the name of Leonard F. Yankelovich (no title given), with the hilarious all-caps title, "ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET'S SAVE THE WHALES." Yes, Leonard, let's!

Leonard goes on to explain that although Dartz got a lot of good publicity when the announced the Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition SUV, it also drew the ire of environmental groups. "As the world's resonance was very huge and Dartz got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, Dartz make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior," Leonard wrote.

Smart move. Take it from us, Leonard, you most certainly don't want to get Pamela Anderson angry, especially when it comes to whale penis.

Leonard went on to lament:

We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want- to make just luxury car.... We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that's why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all.

That's verbatim, by the way.

That's OK, Leonard, we understand your predicament, because when we here at Autopia are looking for most of most, we know that it can get baffling.

Tip o' the Autopia hat to reader Francis J. for the tip.

Photo: Dartz