Please read this page carefully

By reading these terms and conditions you hereby agree to be bound by the following terms and conditions before, during and after the duration of your visit to sodwork.com, for the rest of your life and for any afterlives and/or reincarnations:

1. You agree to waive any and all rights including but not limited to a) the right to life, b) the right to a free trial, c) the right to remain silent, d) the right to left, e) the up and down. The owner and perpretrator of sodwork.com reserves the right to reserve any right to reserve your right to reserve our rights. The owner and perpretrator of sodwork.com has the right to come into your house at any time without appointment in order to rifle through the contents of your underwear drawer.

2. This website comes with no gaurantees of any sort, living or dead, that would give anyone the faintest inkling of the idea that it might actually be useful for any purpose as stated or not by owner and perpretrator of sodwork.com. Any result of using this web site is purely coincidental and should not be taken internally. Please flush the toilet when you are done and refrain from spitting on the floor. Burp.

3. You agree not to paint your toilet pink. Why the hell would anyone do that anyway? Just about every house I've ever lived in has had a pink toilet when we moved in. I mean do they think it distracts from the fact that the toilet is the place where you flush turds down the bog? "Oh, I can't BELIEVE that anything so horrid could happen in this toilet - I mean look at the lovely pinkiness of the walls". Oh, and that stupid fucking fairy sitting on the spare bog roll isn't fooling anyone. You wipe your arse with bog roll. Get over it.

4. Any views expressed here are NOT those of the authors but have been implanted by the owner and perpretrator of sodwork.com using special hypnotic mind rays and therefore represent the views of the site owner. For fucks sake.

5. The use of language will not be tolerated. This includes the use of any verbs, nouns, grammatical structure and text used to convey meaning. Pictures will only be allowed if they are worth less than 1/1000th of a word. Drooling spaz noises (such as those made by the very tidy-bearded Noel Edmonds on "Deal or No Deal") are only of use when backed up with slapping motions to the back of the head. Furthermore, in accordance with governmint regulations, the use of mime is allowed, provided it has been approved by either Una Stubbs or Lionel Blair. Who I've met a couple of times. I said "Hello Lionel" and he always said "hello" back. Not like Arthur Scargill who just ran away from me. I was shouting "It's Arthur Scargill!! Hello Arthur!! How are you doing?!!!?!" and he ran away. He just ran off. I was only trying to be friendly, in a sort of been-sitting-on-the-train-drinking-for-several-hours kind of way.

6. Where was I?

7. You agree that Captain Kirk was fucking nails and that the original Star Treks were far superior to the feckless rubbish that came afterwards. Yes, I know William Shatner can't act and he talks like he's simultaneously calculating his monthly gas bill while trying to work a pineapple out of his arse but that just adds to the charm. At least there is a bit of action in them. No matter what the story-line, every episode ends with a bit of a punch up, a barely disguised moral and an opportunity to take the piss out of Spock. The Next Generation? It's like a spaceship full of social workers wafting round the galaxy being nice to people in an utterly revolting, drippy, crappy ultra PC way. "Ooh, I think this swamp monster that has just killed 5 people is feeling lonely and rejected - quick, get it a cuddly toy so it can feel loved again". Bollocks. Kirk would have punched some fucking sense into it and then panned it's head in with a polystyrene rock. Oh, and "Enterprise" was supposed to be more like the original series? Don't make me vomit my lungs out in a torrent of bile.

8. You may not copy, reproduce, republish, download, post, broadcast, transmit, make available to the public, or otherwise use sodwork.com content in any way except for your own personal, non-commercial use. You also agree not to adapt, alter or create a derivative work from any sodwork.com content except for your own personal, non-commercial use. Any other use of sodwork.com content requires the prior written permission of the the owner and perpretrator of sodwork.com. Nah, not really. I couldn't give a toss.

9. Are you still reading this drivel?

10. Oh yes, while I'm here, you agree that the only place an SUV is anything more than a status symbol for pathetic wankers is when it is in a field. I mean, why not just go the whole hog and get a tank? They are just as environmentally unfriendly, are almost as ugly and they handle about the same. You don't need something the size of Bigfoot to take your spoon-fed over-priviledged brats to their private school. What is wrong with their fucking legs? It's no wonder they are so fat. Christ.