Why can’t we be rude to people who are homophobic and transphobic?

Why can’t we be rude to people who are homophobic and transphobic?

I can’t imagine the pain of being trans, being gay in a household that doesn’t accept it, or struggling with your sexuality and gender without being able to understand or accept your true self.

My own experience is being a femme cisgender bisexual woman. There’s really nothing that outwardly sets me apart from straight cis people, and apart from the odd biphobic comment or joke, I’ve never experienced oppression due to my sexuality.

I can move through a predominantly straight world with ease.

However I’m of course upset by what people say on social media and in real life about LGBT+ people, even if I can’t say I’m shocked anymore.




Because I don’t ‘seem’ like a member of the LGBT+ community, people sometimes feel safe enough in my company to say what they really feel, thinking they’re in a secure space to be homophobic or transphobic.

Surprise b*tch, you’re not.

Conversely, when I do speak out on issues first – for example, the horrific treatment of 19-year-old trans woman Lily Madigan – I’m piled on by those who want to deny the very existence of trans people or who hold views even my grandparents see as old-hat.

What irks me most is the fact that the conversation always turns around to me (or whoever dared to talk about why gay and trans people deserve not to be constantly abused) not arguing with decorum and patience.

But why should I or anyone else have to bear the brunt of bigoted attitudes with a smile on our face?

(Picture: Ella Byworth)

All the onus is on one side to keep composure and defend the lives of ourselves, our friends, our neighbours, or our family. But transphobes and homophobes seem to have free reign to say anything under the guise of free speech. This isn’t fair.

Transphobes can talk about others’ sexual organs and make sick jokes about their bodies. Homophobes can denounce the love of those who aren’t harming anyone. But if those being targeted don’t use the correct language when they’re coming back, it’s still them getting the stick.

I’m angry. I’m angry because I had thought we’d come so far, but I’m still debating the fact that trans, gay, and lesbian people have a right to live without fear. I’m angry because I’m seeing more and more that the people doing the attacking are those that call themselves open-minded and fight for other liberal causes.

We spoke to journalist and trans woman Paris Lees, who has had to field all sorts of abuse in her life.

She told Metro.co.uk about her own experiences, saying ‘I remember when I first transitioned and I didn’t always blend in as a girl, people would make comments in the street, and every time it was like a dagger being shoved inside my stomach. I just felt so humiliated and angry…



‘I believe many LGBT are deeply damaged, myself included, from growing up in a society that tells us we are wrong, bad, inferior, and that it is OK to be rude to us and exclude us.’

Paris Lees (Picture: Paris Lees)

Paris mentions the fact that 45% of trans kids in Britain have attempted suicide. Not contemplated – attempted. Stonewall figures also show that one in five LGBT people have experienced a hate crime within the last twelve months.

But apparently their safety isn’t as important as the hurt feelings of people who can’t grasp that not everyone is like them.

Let’s talk about the term TERF. Apparently this is considered in some circles to be a slur, but reducing trans people to their genitalia, misgendering, or deadnaming them is totally chill.

Feminists who think that the only thing that makes you a woman is what’s between your legs are TERFs. You are excluding trans people from your feminism, meaning it isn’t inclusive or intersectional.

According to Paris, the name is just a distraction anyway. She says, ‘We don’t call racists ‘black exclusionary’ or homophobes ‘gay exclusionary’. Why the hell are we flattering these people? If radical feminists who wish to exclude trans people don’t like being called trans exclusionary radical feminists I’m very happy to just call them bigots.’

Whatever name you put to it, though, if multiple oppressed people are saying you’re upsetting them with your attitude, have you ever considered that you aren’t some outspoken minority, you’re punching down in the most despicable way?

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Genuine questions of course are valid. But we need to remember that it’s not LGBT people’s job to constantly go out of their way to educate others. It’s on everybody else to learn on their own time.


Anything above and beyond asking meaningful questions and trying to learn from the answer isn’t respectful. You’re either being willfully ignorant or trying to get a rise out of someone.

‘If people have genuine concerns I’m very happy to talk about them, but if your question implies that I’m a sexual predator or mentally ill or a man, I’m probably going to block you. I don’t have time for that thank you very much!’ says Paris.

The world is vastly different from that of 50 years ago. However, many of the arguments made by intolerant people back then are rearing their ugly head.

Whereas once the false equivalency of ‘if two men can be together, what next? Animals? Inanimate objects’ was brought up, now it’s ‘if people can identify as a different gender, what next? Different races? Different species?’

We look back in shame at how gay men were treated in the past, and I guarantee the ‘debates’ being had right now will be too in future.

Celebrity Big Brother this year did a lot for people’s understanding of gender and sexuality.

Drag queen Courtney Act (Shane Jenek) answered fellow contestants’ questions beautifully, which is commendable. But friend and housemate Andrew Brady was slammed for calling out Ann Widdecombe, even though Ann had refused to acknowledge Courtney and called the closeness between the two of them ‘disgusting’.

Her outdated and horribly prejudiced comments and attitude were swept under the rug, while Andrew being protective of his close friend was considered the problem.


Language and how we say things shouldn’t be the only thing that matters when weighing up either side of an argument. The power imbalance on either side and the intention behind what’s being said should be the focus.

Paris spoke to us about the strange perception that trans people, in particular, are over-represented. She said, ‘The truth is we don’t have any MPs, newspaper editors, columnists, mayors, university deans, army generals… the truth is that we are less than 1% of the population and the conversation about us is being conducted by people who have, in my experience, likely never even met a trans person before.’

This perceived ‘trans lobby’ doesn’t exist. The gay mafia (or gay brigade as I was once told I was a member of) doesn’t exist. You’re picking on people who have already been through enough sh*t.

And, as ever when you back someone into a corner and relentlessly bully them, LGBT+ people aren’t always going to retaliate kindly.

People will abuse people regardless of their gender. There are no laws to say which toilets or changing rooms people can use (I go to the men’s all the time and I’ve never been arrested). Trans people in some form or another have existed since humanity began. These are facts.

Plus, if you want to get really pernickety about penises and vaginas, there are as many intersex people (born with a variation of reproductive anatomy) as there are ginger people.

If you’re so concerned about people’s genitalia, become a gynaecologist and keep your observations to yourself.

I’m sick of being calm and trying to win people round who don’t have the inclination to learn.

Paris’s advice is to lift up trans people rather than allowing the not-so-silent voices of transphobia and homophobia to seep in. She says, ‘Listen to trans people. Follow trans people. Pass the mic on to trans people.’ I’d say that works for every marginalised minority.

Express your emotions however you need to (within obvious limits) but perhaps going forward we can block out the haters with our love glasses.

The long and short of it is that your fear of being labelled a bigot does not trump gay and trans people’s right to exist in peace.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. Let’s apply the same rule to transphobes and homophobes and stop letting their voices scream over compassion and inclusivity.

MORE: ‘I was petrified he might murder me’: The everyday reality of life as a trans person

MORE: Olly Alexander explains why he ignored advice to hide sexuality as he speaks at Stonewall fundraiser

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