Incensed by the battering Team India is receiving Down Under, the BCCI has decided to take radical corrective measures by purchasing Cricket Australia outright using a combination of cash and equity in some of the IPL franchises. Cricket Australia will now become an associate member of the board just like the Mumbai Cricket Association or the Vidharba Cricket Association and cease to field a team for international matches.

“Look now, being mocked for being the world’s richest cricket board with the world’s weakest touring team was getting even under our skin. So we decided that if you can’t beat ‘em, then just buy ‘em,” shrugged BCCI President, N. Srinivasan, at a hurriedly convened press conference.

According to BCCI insiders, the decision was taken late on Sunday, hours after a delirious James Sutherland, CEO of Cricket Australia made a prank call to Srinivasan after the first ODI and taunted him by addressing him as ‘Fatty Anna’ and repeatedly asking whether he liked Indian curry or Sambhar-Idli. An infuriated N Srinivasan screamed into the phone, ‘Badava Rascal! I will buy you out!’ cuing uproarious laughter at the other end. The following morning, a hung-over Sutherland discovered to his dismay that the cement baron wasn’t kidding.

So how will Cricket Australia be integrated into the vast Indian domestic cricket circuit? “For selection purposes, they will be clubbed under a new zone called Oceania along with the Andaman and Nicobar islands and will be able to send 4 players to the national team. For the Ranji trophy, we have been a little more generous and have allowed them to field 4 teams,” clarified a BCCI spokesperson. The BCCI has also been considerate enough to let the Aussies sport the baggy green for Ranji and Duleep trophy matches. “They seemed quite sentimental about that stuff, so we gave in. But we’ll insist that they start preparing sporting pitches with low bounce and turn to measure up to our standards, if they want to receive grants ,” informed the official.

The purchase, however, will not impact the Ashes, cricket’s most celebrated and hoary rivalry. “Given that more Indians watch the Ashes than the English or Australians combined these days, we have decided to showcase it as the marquee feature of the Indian domestic season. We’ll probably call it ‘Raakh’ to suitably indigenize it,” guffawed the BCCI President. The English Cricket Board has no problems with the turn of events. “As long as the Ashes… er… the Rack, continue to be hosted in England and Australia on a reciprocal basis, we are cool with the new arrangement,” said Giles Clarke, Chairman of the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB), before adding, “Looking forward to seeing more bums in the stands now.”

Cricketing pundits agree that that acquiring Australia will strengthen India’s cricketing base but are not entirely sure whether it will make the Indian team more competitive in English or South African conditions. “Look, with only 4 Aussie players in the national team, I can’t see them beating England in England,” wrote Ian Chappell in his weekly column, Chappelli’s Corner.

(Based on a tweet by @waatho)