ok so get ready to laugh your ass off

there is this guy Thyestes right

he has a brother named Atreus

one day they get together like hey

let’s murder out half-brother Chrysippus

in order to try and become joint kings of this kingdom we live in

OH WHOOPS IT BACKFIRED LOOKS LIKE WE’RE EXILED

so they haul ass over to mycenae

where word of their dickery has yet to spread

and the king there

eurystheus

(remember him?

he’s the guy who shoved his fist

up hercules’ ass

for like 13 years)

is like hey guys

I have to go fight all the children

of the guy who i laughingly fisted for 13 years

wanna take over the throne while i’m gone?

you guys seem trustworthy enough

and Thyestes and Atreus are like SHIT YEAH BITCHESSS

and eurystheus is like alright awesome i trust you guys totally

cya later

and then gets promptly murdered

because he is trying to one-man ALL OF HERCULES’ PISSED OFF SONS

so now atreus and Thyestes are kings of mycenae

but see

it is hard to co-rule a kingdom

alongside a dude

who you already know

has conspired to murder your half brother

in order to be king of something

so plots start getting laid down THICK

thick like ten-ply molasses

so thick

that these plots are now part of the fucking fossil record

archeologists all digging down

finding rich plot deposits

theorizing as to what flavor of raptor

could concoct such incredibly thick plots

ok so what happens

is first atreus decides he wants to get in good with artemis

for whatever reason

seriously artemis is like the worst goddess

for a dude to be friends with

because 1) dudes do not have vaginas

and therefore do not have babies

and having babies

is something artemis helps out with

and 2)

as soon as you devirginize a chick

BAM

i hope you like meat cubes

because that is going to be the new nickname for your dick

after artemis is done throwing a knife party in your pants

and inviting all the knives

but so atreus makes a poor decision

and he cements this poor decision by being like hey

artemis

gonna sacrifice all the best goats in my flock to you

here let me go get them

and he goes and counts his goats all like

1

2

HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS MADE OF GOLD

so he runs over to his wife Aerope like WIFE

HIDE THIS GOLDEN GOAT FROM ARTEMIS

YOU KNOW

THE GODDESS I PROMISED TO SACRIFICE IT TO

I NEED THIS GOAT SO BAD

I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHY

HIDE IT PLZ

and Aerope is like no problem

i will hide it

by giving it to the guy i am cheating on you with

it is the perfect hiding place

but PLOT TWIST

turns out Aerope is cheating on Atreus

WITH THYESTES

HOLY SHIT

DID SOMEONE JUST ADD SOME CRISCO TO THIS PLOT

BECAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT STARTED THICKENING JUST NOW

and thyestes is like thanks for this goat

i am going to use it for treachery

HEY ATREUS

so atreus is like whats up bro

and thyestes is like i heard you have a gold goat

and atreus is like i dont know how you know that but yeah

and thyestes is like i have an idea

how about you decree that whoever has that goat is king

then you will be king

and atreus is like i’m already king

we are both already king

and thyestes is like what

you dont want to be DOUBLE KING?

and atreus is like hm when you put it that way

and he goes ahead and makes this retarded degree

which

even if Aerope HADN’T given away the goat

would have made HER king instead of Atreus

and then Thyestes is like PRANKED LOOKS LIKE I’M KING NOW ASSHOLE

so then Atreus is like aw man bro what the fuck

give me the throne back

and thyestes is like sure fine ok

just as soon as the SUN MOVES BACKWARDS IN THE SKY

and atreus is like hey zeus can you do that for me

and Zeus is like sure dude

done

and thyestes is like fuck

i really didn’t expect it to be that easy

welp

looks like i’m banished from ANOTHER kingdom

so then atreus is king again

and he finds out his wife has been boning thyestes

prolly because she is suddenly less sexually satisfied

and he is like DAMN YOU THYESTES

I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS

BY MURDERING AND THEN COOKING YOUR CHILDREN

so he does that

and then he is like hey thyestes no hard feelings

about the whole goat thing

here come back to mycenae

have some food with me

and thyestes is like mm this is good what is this

and Atreus is like YOUR SONS ASSHOLE

and then he brings their hands and heads out from the kitchen

and puts on some kind of fucked up puppet show

which really kind of ruins dinner for everyone

especially thyestes

cause he just ate his kids or something

so thyestes runs away screaming and crying and shit

and he doesnt know what else to do so he goes to an oracle

and the oracle is like you know what you should do

bang your daughter

and then the incest baby you have from that

will kill Atreus

and Thyestes is like DONE

so he goes over to his daughter Pelopia

like hey honey i heard you like incest

and Pelopia is like really

that’s weird because i OH SHIT I’M GETTING RAPED

and she has a baby named Aegisthus

who she can’t stand to look at

cause of the whole incest rape thing

so she sends him to go live with Atreus

who raises him real nice

until one day Thyestes shows up like hey Aegisthus

guess what I am

I am your father

NO WAIT

i am your grandfather

NO WAIT

I am your father AND your grandfather

GUESS WHAT PUSSNEXUS

I RAPED YOUR MOM

and Aegisthus is like RRRRR THIS MAKES ME SO MAD

I AM GOING TO TAKE OUT MY RAGE

ON MY LOVING ADOPTIVE FATHER

BY KILLING HIM

BECAUSE I AM A BAAAAAAD PERSONNNNNN

so he killes Atreus

making Thyestes king AGAIN

so thyestes’ first act as king

is to exile Atreus’ sons

Agamemnon and Menelaus to sparta

but it turns out

you do not want to exile your brother’s warrior sons

to a nation of perfect warriors

because then they come back

and kick the shit out of thyestes

and agamemnon becomes king

and he and menelaus get to marry these spartan chicks

Clytemnestra and Helen respectively

and then helen gets stolen

and the trojan war happens

and while agamemnon is gone

Aegisthus seduces the fuck out of clytemnestra

all like hey wanna help me murder your husband when he comes back

and clytemnestra is like sure ok

so then they do that

they murder him in his bathtub

its like hey honey im home i see you drew me a bath how nice oh shi

so then 8 years later Agamemnon’s kid Orestes shows up

kills clytemnestra AND Aegisthus

and at this point the gods are like alright guys

we get it

you like killing each other

calm the FUCK down

hey orestes

guess what

you’re forgiven

go start a fucking baseball team or something

seriously

so the moral of the story is

have you ever played soccer

or basketball

or any of those sports like that

and did your coach ever tell you

don’t stop playing until you actually hear the ref’s whistle

so yeah the moral of the story is

don’t stop murdering until you actually hear the gods get sick of it

and interfere

you don’t want to stop murdering too early

just because you think its like

wrong or something

hold out for divine interference

they say murder doesn’t stop itself

but that is in fact exactly what it does

The End