Chapter 6.36: Not Whole

Just two more days. That’s it. That’s all that stands between me and being an adult. Can you believe it?

Everything’s going to be different now… Not having to follow anybody’s rules anymore. Being able to do whatever I want. And being able to be whoever I want.

It’s something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. It’s hard to believe I finally made it here, y’know?

I just wish I didn’t have all this other crap going on right now. It’s making it hard to be as excited as I should be.

It’s just, well… Okay, it’s a lot of things, really.

Part of it’s Erik. He’s having such a hard time lately… And for once, it isn’t about Simon.

He finally managed to pay off his latest debt. Well, he and I did, I mean. He wouldn’t have been able to do it without my help… But I don’t mind. Anything to help get that loser off his back!

Of course, there’s a huge downside to all of that. He’s down to a super small stash. It won’t be long before he’s all out again. And he doesn’t have enough cash right now to get any more… Not even a partial payment like last time. Erik’s basically broke right now. And until I get paid again, so am I.

So he’s been trying his best to make it last for as long as he can. And that should be a good thing. I mean, this is a part of that whole cutting back thing, right? But it’s like I said before… He’s still just not himself without it.

It always starts out not so bad. The first few days put him a little on-edge, but it’s not like, terrible. The initial crash is always rough on him, but he’s able to get it together pretty well for a couple days. I can always tell when he’s gone too long without a fix though.

He changes completely. He seems so sad all the time. He gets a short temper too. He’s really tired and sleepy. He barely smiles. He doesn’t even wanna have sex. He says he feels ‘numb’.

And I know he feels so awful about it. I swear to God, half the time we spend together is just him apologizing for being snippy with me, or not wanting to have sex, or not feeling like going out… “I’m so sorry, babe. You don’t deserve this… But this isn’t me.” He says it all the time. And it’s true. He’s not himself. Not when he doesn’t have the drugs to help him.

And he’s been trying so hard to find other ways to deal with it. But I’m not sure if it’s really helping. Like… he’s started smoking cigarettes. And I know that’s not a huge deal, but he never used to do that before. Erik says it ‘helps take the edge off’, whatever that means. But all it does is make his clothes and hair smell like nasty cigarette smoke. It doesn’t really seem to change anything.

And that’s not the only thing he’s been smoking more than usual. But it feels like the weed just makes him more tired. It’s not making things any better either.

As much as I hate to say it, the best days are the ones where he caves and breaks out some of his stash. I can always tell. He greets me with a smile and scoops me up in his arms the moment I walk through the door. He’s himself again — my sweet, charming, amazing boyfriend.

Not that terrible shell that keeps getting left in his place.

I get my next paycheck tomorrow, and I already promised Erik that it’s all his. He tried to turn me down. He keeps saying he’s fine, and that he doesn’t need the coke anymore. But we both know that he DOES.

So yeah, needless to say, this has kinda been eating away at me. And I wish I could say that’s the only thing, but it isn’t. Not by a freaking long shot.

Remember Nyla? How she saw me at the mall a couple weeks ago? Yeah, that came back to bite me. Just like I knew it would.

She’s been like, watching me at work lately. Judging me. I can feel it. And I can’t decide if it makes me feel more angry, or more embarrassed… Ugh!

She tried talking to me about it a couple days after she saw me. Not like, about the actual stealing. Just about seeing me at the mall. Asking me what I was doing there, stuff like that. The kind of awkward small-talk questions that makes everybody uncomfortable. Because you know what the person’s REALLY trying to ask, but they’re too chicken to just come out and say it.

Part of me almost wanted to pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about — that I didn’t go to the mall that day. But I know she saw me. There wasn’t any way I’d get out of that one.

So I just tried my best to kinda shrug it off like it was no big deal. And she didn’t push me too much about it. So I kinda assumed she believed me, at first…

But then a few days ago, my boss called EVERYONE in for a big store meeting. She said it was really important.

I guess she got the results back from last month’s inventory. And the numbers for the cosmetics department were off. Like, way off.

Dozens of bottles of nail polish and perfume, tubes of lipstick, hand lotion, mascara… All unaccounted for.

I could feel Nyla staring at me the whole time.

As soon as my boss finished her big speech about loss prevention and how to spot a shoplifter, I basically ran out of there as fast as I could. I just couldn’t stand being in that room for one more minute. I felt so embarrassed and awkward and awful…

And the worst part is, she knows. Nyla knows. It’s just like Rylie and Devin with the stupid drug thing. She’s pretending everything’s okay, but I can tell she sees right through me, just like they do.

And speaking of the two of them… Well, you can probably guess why that’s stressing me out too. They just don’t know how to leave shit alone. They keep trying to bring up the drug thing like, all the time. They don’t know how to take a hint! And I’m not sure how long I can keep pretending I have no clue what they’re talking about…

That’s part of why I’m so nervous about this weekend. Turning eighteen is going to be amazing. But having my three favorite people all in the same room together might not be…

This will be the first time Rylie and Devin have seen Erik since they found out about Simon. I just really hope they don’t say anything… They wouldn’t, would they?

I dunno. I guess I just need to calm down and stop worrying. Oma always used to say that she worries too much too. Maybe it runs in the family or something, because my parents definitely love to worry too. Way too much. Guess I can be the same way sometimes.

So I’m gonna try and focus on all the good stuff instead. Like how much Erik loves me. And how amazing turning 18 will be. And how close I am to finally being done with school. And how excited it’ll be to finally get a raise at work.

My boss wants me to come in early for my shift tonight to meet with me, and I’m pretty sure I know what it’s gonna be about. It’s about time for our quarterly reviews, and as long as you’ve been doing well, you get a raise. Perfect, right? Just in time for my birthday!

It’s probably gonna be too early for it to show up on this paycheck, but I’m really hoping it’ll be on my next one. I know Erik could really use that extra cash to start paying Simon again… That way he can build his stash back up, and go back to being himself again.

As much as I hate it, he’s just not whole without the drugs anymore.

And without him, I’m not whole either.