People always tell me that Lance Armstrong took the first human steps on the moon and said, “One small step for mankind. One leap for a giant man.” He didn’t, really. At all—because the moon landing was faked in order to keep women down.

This is fact. I really shouldn’t have to give an argument as to why or how—it’s so FUCKING obvious. But since you fucking brainwashed sexist shitlords, who totally believe everything the Patriarchy tells you, haven’t, like, realized it yet or whatever, I guess I’m gonna have to lay down some truth. Urrggh.

So I was on Facebook, totally being a warrior princess in the comment section of an abhorrent page called “Bodybuilders against Feminism” when my pretty, sparkling eyes were like caught by the moon outside the window. It was so shiny, like radiant, kinda like my supple 23-year-old skin (but with craters, something I definitely don’t have on my glowing face). It was a full moon, and I was kinda hoping that the totally HAWT werewolf guy from Teen Wolf would come tear my Lulu Lemons off and ravage me wolfy-style. Lol. Anyways, I’ve always thought of the moon as rather sexist. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s the most sexist celeryestial, celi-bestial(?) body in all of the Space (except for maybe Mars).

People talk about the “Man in the moon” and I can totally see it. The moon is always looking like a smug sexist pig who likes to go out and get yucky with the boys on Saturday nights. Like I can totally picture the moon sneakily like, encouraging Venus to get drunk on some of the ole’ Space Juice and then taking her back to his Space for some Meteor-cre sex. The moon is a rape apologist.

So yeah, anyhow I’m getting off track. It was the year of 1969 (a very ableist, heteronormative, and sexist year, not long after the horrific 1950s) and Russia and the US were having a problematic “Space Race.” I don’t know if Putin was the Russian Führer back then, but I know that our president was Harry Lee Kennedy in those days.

It was really tense, like REALLY tense, in the world that year because the Ice Cold war going on and Russia and the US both wanted to be cooler (get it? cool as in cold, that’s where the name comes from) and have more swag than the other. Russia had beamed up a couple of monkeys, Russians and some humans, but they hadn’t landed on the moon. Still, their Swagometer was shooting up like a rocket (if you’ll pardon the pun) and the US needed to do this totally cool move to one-up them. It was kind of like when me and Holly had a competition where we competed about who could do DP with two black guys first, but instead of a two big black bratwursts being the goal, it was landing on the moon. (I won btw lol.)

What I wrote above, about the Cold War and shit, is the OFFICIAL story—what’s in the history books right this moment. But I know the TRUTH. What I’m about to tell you now fucktards might, like, buh-low your minds, so buckle up and Prepare. For. Fucking. Liftoff—The Cold War thing was, in fact, but a mere veneer, a convenient excuse, placed thinly over the real war that was going on. The War on Women.

Don’t believe me? Well, then, you’re cunty. This is how it all obviously went down. The US and the Russia’s leaders were actually really good pals. Sometime in the 60s, while the public was too high on acid to notice, they met at the Patriarchy HQs in secret and planned meticumusly how the faked Space Race could be maximumly oppressive to women. Then they hired NASA (which sounds suspiciously much like NAZI), an evil organization founded by kooky, geeky Male stargazers who in turn planned the moon-ing project. NASA hired the most brilliant Rocket Scientists in the land, who were of course all strong, fierce women of color, and they all accepted the job on the false pretense that they would be making a laser beam that could make the moon rainbow-colored. When they learned the truth, that the mission wasn’t Gay Pride-related at all, but was all about successfully faking a Man walking on the moon so as to like, solidify gender norms and make men look better than women or whatever, it was too late for them to turn back.

The WOC worked tirelessly on creating a believable fake moon landing; meanwhile the NASA men were busy sitting around making obscene gestures with their toes, eating French fries and playing with their pocket puppets while looking at the workers’ swarthy derrieres. It took many months of planning and building. But then, when it was all done, they fired off a big EMPTY fake rocket and broadcasted it on the TV. Then they got the two current low-life janitors who were mopping floors at the NASA offices, Lance Armstrong and Buzz “Buzzcut” Aldrin, to star in the moon landing clip, which filmed right in the studio that had been built under the dripping sweat of Black Womyn. The vid of the two janitors skipping around in fugly space costumes was uploaded to YouTube and the rest is history.

When the (moon) dust had settled and the re-entry to Earth had been faked, the negative effects started affecting women. It became clear that the Patriarchy really succeeded with what they’d been, like, trying to do. They made men look good, they kept the female rocket engineers out of the spotlight, and they made everyone believe that MAN-kind had landed on the moon. That’s not HUMYN-kind, no I’m not making this up, they actually called it a giant step for MAN-kind. OMFG?!!! So what effect did this whole thing have on women? Well, it fucking destroyed an entire generation of women’s confidence. Seeing all those MALE astronauts jumping around on the moon made them totally like, lose morale and the courage to be astronauts themselves. If you would have asked girls in 1968 what they wanted to be when they grew up, you’d surely get a choir of “ASTRONAUT,” but after images of under-representation on the moon had been beamed across the planet Earth, it was back to horrible and sexist jobs such as “Vet, Nurse or Kindergarten Teacher.”

But the oppression doesn’t stop there, Oh no, it gets worse. Like a million gazillion of taxpayers’ money was used to like buy all the rocket equipment and unchic Space-costumes (they were not even Prada or ‘Sace, probably Walmart), that’s money right out the pocket of strong independent womyn (many of them of color). This made strong, independent single mothers’ lives SUPER hard, and they couldn’t buy food or nail polish or anything, so they (along with their spawn) like almost starved. That’s why old people (who were kids then) are retarded to this day.

Phew! Now that’s off my chest, and no, that’s not rambling, that’s fucking LECTURING.

Look sexists. If you don’t believe me now. There’s no hope for you. At. Fucking. All. The “moon Landing” was just one big PPP (Patriarchal Power Play) to keep women in the kitchen and crush little girls’ astronaut dreams. If you still believe man walked on the moon, you’re a misogynist and I hate you.