SOCHI, RUSSIA—At the inaugural Winter Olympics — 1924 in Chamonix, France — there were 16 events. It was all fairly familiar stuff, except for something called ‘Military Patrol.’ They’re trying that one out again in Sochi this year. Russia wins if we all survive.

Canada won one medal in Chamonix — a gold in hockey. Or, as the Olympics insist on having it, ‘ice hockey.’

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PHOTOS: Postcards from Sochi

In an effort to expand outreach (i.e. revenue), the IOC continues to pile more and more obscure sports into the Winter Games. They’re up to 15 disciplines these days and, based on how you subdivide them, about 47 events.

What’s Skiathlon? Or Slopestyle? Or Nordic Combined?

Don’t worry. We’re not sure either.

However, there will be a test beginning in a couple of days. Here’s a short, possibly even correct, primer.

Alpine Skiing

Downhill — The ur-Winter Olympic sport. Best explained by the cliff-side pep talk in ‘Better Off Dead’ — “All you have to do is go that way. Really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.”

Super Combined — One run each of downhill and slalom, with times combined to determine the winner. The ‘Super’ refers to the fact that the whole thing comes off in a single day. It still sounds like they’re showing off.

Slalom — Moving quickly downhill between closely spaced poles, taking half of them off the chin.

Giant Slalom — Moving quickly downhill between fewer poles at larger removes.

Super-G(iant Slalom) — You’re getting the hang of this! Now the poles are even further apart, and everything is happening faster. Again — not sure why this qualifies as ‘Super.’ One might suggest that getting hit in the face with the poles during the Slalom is slightly more super.

The whole idea of all these slight variations on exactly the same idea is to allow the Swiss to feel good about themselves.

Biathlon

Individual — For all you biathlon snobs, this is pure biathlon. Armed competitors ski around an oval course. At the end of each turn, they shoot at five loonie-sized targets. They shoot in this order — prone, standing, prone, standing. Every target missed costs a time penalty. In Greenland, it’s called ‘gang violence’.

Sprint — A shorter, quicker version of the above, with only two shooting components.

Pursuit — Not as exciting as it sounds. Starts are staggered based on times in the sprint. You must cede the shooting lane on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Mass Start — Let’s face it. If they were allowed to shoot each other for the first 100 metres or so, this would be the most popular sport on Earth.

Mixed — A debutant event. This is how Norway ‘wins’ the Winter Olympics.

Relay — They’re still at it nearly two weeks after biathlon starts. Still chasing. Still shooting. The lesson? If you’re going to upset a biathlete, do it in spring. That’ll give you some time to escape.

Bobsleigh

Two Man — A sport created by rich Englishmen looking for something stupid to do while on vacation in St. Moritz. Put a shell on a sled. Take a running start. Try to arrive at the bottom with everything attached.

Women’s — If we’re going to be pedantic, they should have called it ‘Two Woman.’ But that sounds weird.

Four Man — Heavier, therefore faster. Appeals to the self-harming instinct of former football players.

Cross-country

Skiathlon — Increasingly, the purpose of the Olympics is to take something simple and make it needlessly complex. Case in point — a race that is half ‘classic’ (i.e. done along grooves in the snow); half ‘free’ (i.e. that exhausting looking lunging that weirds you out every Olympics). In between, the competitors will ‘pit’ at the stadium, and switch gear. More complicated than ‘The Settlers of Catan.’

Sprint Free — The NASCAR of cross-country skiing. In a series of tiered time trials, everyone motors around a roughly mile-long loop. Six racers per trial. The medallists will have raced four times in three hours.

Classic — When you picture ‘cross-country skiing’ in your mind, this is it. A 15-km race (10 km for women) with contestants starting every 30 seconds, in reverse order of their world ranking.

Relay — Four competitors to a team. The first two laps are classic; the second two free.

Team Sprint — Much like the relay, but with teams of two. Is it over yet? Hasn’t Norway won enough medals by now?

Mass Start — Oh, wait — this is the good stuff. Between 60 to 80 skiers. Everyone starts at once. The men cover 50 km; the women cover 30 km. Usually the best finish of any event at the Winter Olympics.

Curling

Just like the curling you’re familiar with at home, with more hideous pants, fewer meat-based prizes and a very un-Russian view of drinking while competing.

Figure Skating

Men’s — Let’s put all the artistry talk aside and speak truth to power — the guy who falls down the least wins.

Women’s — See above.

Pairs — In which a very tall man spends several minutes flinging a very short woman around. In more temperate climes, they call this ‘the Circus.’

Ice Dancing — You already know. But you don’t want to admit it.

Freestyle

Moguls — The Sochi website describes this sport as “a descent down a bumpy slope.” You can’t beat the combination of brevity and Google Translate.

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Ski Cross — Racing down an obstacle course on skis. Had it been a big deal in the ’80s, the sort of thing Jean-Claude Van Damme would have made a movie about.

Ski Slopestyle — To the novice, indistinguishable from Ski Cross. So if the first movie makes any money, Van Damme’s sequel — ‘Slopestyle: Rossiya Boogaloo.’

Aerials — It’s platform diving, but onto the ground while wearing skis. Since Canada is really good at this, it makes complete sense to us.

Ski Halfpipe — All the above, but with tricks instead of obstacles. To which ski cross/slopestyle types say, ‘Pfft. Avoiding the obstacles is a trick.’

Ice Hockey

The redundant use of ‘ice’ gives all of Canada the feeling that everyone outside our own borders is a rube. Or Dutch.

Luge

Singles — Like Bobsleigh, but feet-first and without any protection aside from a helmet. What the hell is the helmet supposed to do?

Doubles — Refers to relative diminishment of normal fear response.

Team Relay — Another debutant, combining runs by a single woman, a single man and a men’s doubles team. Russia must be good at this.

Nordic Combined

Individual — An event in which competitors combine ski jumping with cross-country skiing. Why not combine snow shovelling and tree chopping? It makes just about as much sense (and would make your wife happier).

Team — More guys doing the above. And it is all guys. Women are too smart to bother themselves with these sorts of shenanigans.

Short Track Speed Skating

Individual — Invented only 30 years ago by someone who wanted to bring together the best elements of running in circles with roller derby. In the end, a cheater always wins, is stripped of his/her medal after video review, allowing a less accomplished cheater to move from silver to gold.

Relay — As above, but now on a team, everyone gets a head start and also a push in the bum to help them along (so … even more cheating).

Skeleton

Like luge, but now headfirst. Thus, the next logical iteration in the bobsleigh-based family of events is shoving someone off a roof.

Ski Jumping

Normal Hill — How awful it must be to be amongst the best in the world at something prefaced by the word ‘normal.’ ‘I am the world heavyweight normal boxing champion.’ ‘Then, buy your own drinks.’

Giant Hill — Whereas the maximum distance reached on the normal hill is about 105 metres from launch, those who compete on the giant hill can reach 140 metres. Best guess — we’d only need 10 metres to end up in traction.

Women’s — For the first time, women will compete in Olympic ski jumping at Sochi, proving that most bad ideas are gender neutral.

Team — Now if all they jumped together, that really would be something. But sadly not.

Snowboard

Slopestyle — An obstacle course on a snowboard. Fun fact — they had this event in early 20th century Olympics as well, but it was calling ‘downhill’ and the obstacles were ‘trees’ and ‘rocks.’

Halfpipe — Competitors do tricks as they slide down a large, slanted groove in the snow. The kids love it. Which is why smart people don’t solicit the opinions of children.

Snowboard Cross — Four competitors race down a course, occasionally plowing into each other. Would catch more interest in the over-30 demographic if they’d call it ‘Snowboard Fighting.’

Parallel Giant Slalom — Like Snowboard Cross, but competitors are on separate courses. So … worse than Snowboard Cross.

Speed Skating

Individual — Distinct from short track speed skating in that this has more to do with superhuman endurance than slew footing.

Team Pursuit — Two teams of three compete side-by-side. The time is determined by the final partner to cross the finish line. Just as in life.