Recently I was fortunate enough to attend the “Women in Business — Leader’s Lunch” at the Dublin Web Summit. For the first time (and hopefully for the first of many) I was in a room full of hundreds of leading women in tech. It was inspiring to say the least. We met at the Four Seasons for lunch and dialog. All in attendance were women in tech but the similarities stopped there. We had CEOs, founders, managers, coders, geeklets, and journalists. I bet there was a woman representing almost every country in that room, and it was truly a sight to remember.

The goal? To share our challenges, offer our experiences, and sip champagne. I support all three of these goals whole-heartedly. We were also fortunate enough to have a panel full of women who have made a name for themselves in technology. Women executives represented companies like - Facebook, PayPal, Google, Vodafone, Microsoft and more. It was truly a great panel. I took tons of notes and will share them in a seperate post soon.

Right now though I have to admit something else is on my mind, something that came up at my table during lunch. There was a conversation I overheard that went something like this:

Lady 1: So do you have kids?

Lady 2: No I’ve decided to wait, I might not even have them actually. I’ve chosen to just focus on my career right now.

Lady 1: Well don’t wait too long, we can have it both now you know! {insert laugh} Forget the glass ceiling these days, this lunch is a great example of that.

Lady 2: {somewhat sheepishly and clearly not proud to be saying this} Yeah, so true.

Pardon me for this next sentence — but what the fuck. Seriously.

While I was so impressed to hear the women leaders on that stage say that they had children (as well as amazing careers), I can’t help but get a little worked up over hearing that conversation. So I started to think about my own experiences, and wouldn’t you know it — I do the same thing.

Sad truth: I’m almost embarrassed at times to say to other women I have consciously chosen to hold off on children to focus on my career. The looks. The feedback. It’s like I’m judged for either not choosing both when it’s now more possible than ever to have both, or I’m just not smart enough to want both. I’m not sure.

The funny part is it was a choice. I mean a real choice. I’m not just a career women without kids because I’m not married yet or ready to settle down. I have sat down the man I am going to marry and we have talked through this. I’ve decided (and he supports) the truth that I don’t even want to consider kids until my late 30′s. And even then…who knows.

Right now I choose late nights at the office, weekend blogging sessions at coffee shops. I choose {albeit somewhat selfishly} to be obsessed with my career. I am launching a mobile app in fashion. I’m taking classes on finances, learning how to speed read, and reading books on my kindle about business until I fall asleep on it. I have chosen to fill every second of my life with my work. I choose that.

What surprises me time and time again is the number of women that try to talk me into “more balance” or “rethinking my priorities” … as though given my choice, I clearly haven’t thought the whole thing through.

Let’s be clear. I commend women who choose the family and the career. I’m in awe of you. Two of the most amazing women I know just had babies…and both have not missed a beat of their careers. One is an independent creative, and one is the Founder of a start-up. They post pictures of holding babies at the computer, they talk of offices with cribs…it’s freaking amazing. I commend the woman at my office who has four children {FOUR KIDS!} and still kicks ass at her job. I commend their choices to do both and excel.

I also commend the women who have decided their career might be it. It might be all they want in their lives right now, and it gets everything. I don’t think you are turning your back on women, I don’t think you haven’t thought it through, and I certainly don’t think you are less amazing in any way than the women who have chosen both.

The women at my table that had that conversation eventually wandered away, and I ended up chatting with this brilliant woman who works in publishing in Dublin. She asked me what I did, and eventually asked if I was married or had children. I was afraid to be honest when I said, “I’ve decided to hold off marriage or kids for a while, just really enjoying my work and my projects.” She shocked me when she said “good for you, sounds like you’re doing well for yourself.” Support. Kindness. A genuine compliment.

If only that was the response always. Cuz it should be you know.

To the women in tech that have both families and careers– well done you. To the women who have chosen only a career –well done you. I don’t think choosing one or the other should have anything to do with each other. One is not harder, one is not more fulfilling, each is right for the woman that chooses it. I’ve found that women fill their lives in different ways, but leaders…innovators…shakers…they all fill their time and do great things for people around them (kids or no kids). I wish the conversation was a bit more supportive of both sides.

I don’t really see leading women in tech in two camps. I think it would be wise for us to make the conversation less about which choice we made, and more about our achievements during and after we made them.

I should probably note, I’m not well-versed in the challenges women have faced in technology. I mentioned in a recent interview, I think being a woman in tech has been an advantage as often as it has been a disadvantage (if not more often). With that said, I do know I’ve seen this sort of disrespect both personally and heard of it from others. I’m sure it’s happening on the other side as well.

With all that said, I would say it’s less about which is happening more often, and instead — asking why it’s happening at all? For real…since when did women who have both and women who choose one become different types of women? IMO, we should prob all get back on the same side of the coin…which for me is the “lets go make some moves, and build some epic things” side of the coin.

That has enough challenges. Let’s start supporting each other, no matter what responsibilities we’ve chosen to fill our lives with. It’s time to respect either road, not just the one we’ve chosen.

When I was in 8th grade French class I learned this phrase, “a chacun son gout” and it’s stuck with me over the years. It means “to each his own.” Well in this case how about “to each her own?” Let’s roll with that, and stop thinking the road we’ve chosen is harder, or says more about us, or any of that bullshit. Because it doesn’t.

Let’s respect the difficulty of the choice and commend the act of choosing. Then let’s start championing each other and get on with it already. #endrant