IF Joel Ward makes a big play – Drink.

IF Joel Ward’s butt makes a big play – Drink, shout “Hump Day!”

IF Tom Wilson gets in a fight – Finish your drink, complain about how bad the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight was.

IF Alex Ovechkin scores – Finish your drink, jump forcefully into the nearest pane of glass.

IF Jason

Drink your neighbor’s drink faster than they can stop you.

IF Jay Beagle wins a face-off – Drink, bay like a hound dog.

IF Andre Burakovsky scores – Drink a glass of full-fat buttermilk, because if he can’t celebrate with a drink, neither can you.

IF Evgeny Kuznetsov scores – Chug for 92 seconds, shout “Avada Kedavra!”

IF

Pour your drink into a glass, throw it wildly over your shoulder.

IF Nicklas Backstrom records an assist – Gently and deftly pour your neighbor’s drink into their mouth, better than they could do themselves.

IF Braden Holtby takes his mask off on television – Pour your drink on your pants, pretend they weren’t already wet.

IF

Lord of the Rings

Drink, make a cheap Hobbit joke that betrays more of your truefandom than you’d like.

IF the Madison Square Garden crowd chants “Let’s Go Rangers” – Drink.

IF the Madison Square Garden crowd chants “Hooo-o-o-oooooltby” – Drink, with increasing impatience.

IF the Madison Square Garden crowd chants “We Are Loud-er” – Drink, take peace in the calming salve of knowing that you chose to live in the right city.

IF Mike Green misses a check/puck – Buy a drink at your nearest bar, pay way too much for it a year from now.

IF the NBC broadcast team questions Ovechkin’s leadership – Chug, for the entire duration of their cognitive dissonance.

IF

Finish your drink and get another, because how else will you survive the next one?

IF the NY Rangers win – Drown your sorrows in an unending deluge of sweet numbing poison.

IF the Washington Capitals win – Saturate your limitless joy in an unending deluge of your favorite freaking booze.