José Mourinho has reportedly banned Jan Vertonghen from having sex with teammate Christian Eriksen’s wife. The new Spurs boss is seeking to heal rifts and re-establish harmony among his squad.

Limits

“Helga Eriksen is off limits,” Mourinho told Soccer on Sunday. “Obviously Jan is not happy — he loves having sex with her. But in football, we must make sacrifices. If that means Jan not having sex with Christian’s wife, he must be professional.”

“Christian has permission to have sex with Helga,” added the former UTD manager. “After all, she’s his wife. But if it causes any unrest, I’ll ban him too. Obviously that isn’t fair on Helga, so I’ll pound her myself if needs be.”

“Of course, my own wife won’t be happy with that,” added Mourinho. “But I can always ask Jan Vertonghen to swing by and smooth things over with her. Or Christian. It doesn’t matter who, so long as she gets pounded.”