Please, no more downtown Detroit burger restaurants

Mark Kurlyandchik | Detroit Free Press

Show Caption Hide Caption 8 new restaurants you should know about The Detroit-area dining scene is turning up the heat as we head into summer.

Editor’s Note: Restaurateur Eli Boyer, proprietor of Voyager in Ferndale, announced his plans to open a burger-focused concept in the main-floor retail space of 28 Grand, a new microloft development in Detroit’s Capitol Park. This prompted our restaurant critic to write an open letter to Boyer, begging him to reconsider.

Dear Eli,

Don’t do this.

Please. I’m begging you.

The last thing downtown needs is another burger joint.

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Look: Downtown — not to mention Midtown, Corktown and Eastern Market — is already awash in all kinds of patties and buns and toppings ranging from low-cost sliders and vegan black bean burgers to high-end house-made whoppers that command big bucks.

At the London Chop House, the $18 burger at lunch is made of A4 Wagyu beef and topped with homemade bacon. How are you going to top homemade bacon and Wagyu beef?

24 Grille seems to think it has the Chop House beat with a $21 burger, but I can’t seem to figure out why it costs so much or why they didn’t just stay on brand with a $24 burger.

By the way, did you know that Hudson Cafe serves a burger? Two of ‘em, actually. The Broderick Grille offers six varieties in the $12 to $14 range. The Rusted Crow’s eight versions are all $13, and at Cobo Joe’s they’re $10 a pop. At Gateway Deli, $10 will get you the deluxe version, which I assume means French fries are included. Wala’s burgers top out at $8 with French fries all-in. Prices are even more reasonable at Greenwich Time Pub (starting at $4.25), Tommy’s ($5.25) and the Anchor Bar ($7).

But let’s forget prices for a moment. You’ll have to contend with the rabid fan bases of Wahlburgers and Shake Shack, which still draw lines for a taste of celebrity and exclusivity — or whatever the hell it is people wait in line for. You and I both know it’s not the burgers.

And let’s not forget about Five Guys, allegedly America’s favorite burger chain, and good ol’ McDonald’s, which maintains a presence at the RenCen.

You also realize your burgers will have to go up against stalwarts like Checker Bar and Grand Trunk Pub? And the loose burgers at the coneys? And many, many more.

A place called Basement Burger Bar opened recently, and you can build your own burger there. Harry’s Bar also offers a build-your-own option as well as sliders and a number of pre-built varieties for those who aren’t handy in burger construction. The Town Pump’s got lots of burgers and Centaur Bar boasts “gourmet mini burgers,” which sound a lot like sliders to me.

But in all seriousness, have you ever had the burger at Roast? Do you know it’s only $6 during happy hour? How are you going to top that? (You’ll need more than an egg.)

Did you somehow come to possess the aging, seasoned flat-top from Miller’s in Dearborn, and have you hired its curt-but-charming waitresses and will you be slinging your burgers on the honor system?

Yeah. I didn’t think so.

You’ll be up against all the other “elevated” twists from newcomers like Vertical Detroit, Parc, Townhouse, Central Kitchen, Dime Store, Caucus Club, Standby, SavannahBlue, Apparatus Room, Cornerstone Barrel House, Downtown Louie’s, Punch Bowl Social, and whatever bazillion new food and beverage concepts are planned to open downtown in the next two months.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you want sliders, Big City Bar and Grill’s got ‘em, along with turkey burgers, Blue cheese burgers, chili cheeseburgers, a mushroom and bacon burger, and the signature Big City burger (a pound of meat!). Coaches Corner has a similar selection and Bookies even serves a bison burger. Cheli’s Chili Bar serves a burger plus black bean sliders.

As far as I know, the Foxtown Grille still serves a burger at lunch but Hockeytown Cafe, and the Elwood both definitely serve a few. The Detroit Beer Co. offers a burger. Even Small Plates has sliders on its menu.

You probably wouldn’t think a seafood place like Harbor House serves burgers, but guess what? It does. So does the Detroit Seafood Market, Niki’s Pizza and Mike’s Kabob Grille, which specializes in Middle Eastern fare and apparently burgers, too. Golden Fleece and other Greek restaurants in Greektown also serve burgers.

Do you think Loco’s Tex-Mex Grill serves burgers? It doesn’t matter what you think. It does.

You can bet Jacoby’s with its German heritage serves hamburgers. And the Hard Rock Cafe claims a registered trademark for its LEGENDARY® BURGERS.

During weekday lunch at Legends, you can get a burger, beer and a show for the low, low price of $10 (plus cover). Bouzouki’s ½-pound burger will set you back $7 any time of day, but you can top it with feta for a dollar more.

I’m not even going to mention the variations of burgers you can find at any of the casinos, many of which come free if you play your cards wrong.

Then there’s still the Detroiter Bar, Sweetwater Tavern, Bert’s on Broadway, Briggs Detroit, Flood’s, Old Shillelagh, Buffalo Wild Wings, Pappy’s, Santorini Estiatorio, Firebird Tavern, Fishbones, Redsmoke BBQ and whatever oversights I made in what I hoped would be an exhaustive list.

I think you get my point, though. There’s pretty much a different burger for every person within downtown’s 1.4 square miles. You could eat burgers every day and it’d probably take months to try them all.

I get it. You opened a successful burger restaurant in Chicago — a city with plenty of burger options — and you’d like to see a repeat of that success. Maybe even start a local chain? But let’s face it: Detroit right now is dying for the kind of culinary variety you can find in the Windy City, not more burgers.

When I first heard of your plans, my glowing review of the whitefish sandwich you serve at Voyager hadn’t been published yet, and I foolishly thought that it might change your mind. (Remember that whole part about the whitefish sandwich being “franchise-worthy”? C’mon!)

Why not a fish sandwich joint? You could streamline your ordering with Voyager, helping to defray the costs of fermenting that killer slaw.

If you don’t want to be known as the whitefish sandwich guy, you could deconstruct it and just do fish ‘n’ chips. Not that there aren’t good fish ‘n’ chips options downtown (I’m looking at you, Grand Trunk), but I don’t know of a single place in the vicinity that’s solely focused on that one dish.

Alternately, I’ve been dying for a place that serves Berlin-style döner kebabs. I bet you’d make a killing. And everyone knows Berlin is way cooler than Hamburg.

If this were two years ago, I’d say you should open a wood-fired pizza place instead, but you’re a little late to that game — or the wood-fired anything game, for that matter.

I understand the untenable position I’ve put you in by writing this public letter. If you change up now, it’ll look like you’ve caved to the possibly dimwitted vagaries of a self-important local journalist who’s never run a restaurant before. You probably know better (and, ostensibly, your investor should, too).

So I make this appeal simply as a member of the downtown workforce, who frequently lunches nearby off the clock. We’re covered on the burger front, so I’ll ask you just one last time to reconsider.

Unless you’ve secured franchise rights for Michigan’s first In-N-Out Burger. If that’s the case, feel free to totally disregard this letter and let 'er rip.

Contact Mark Kurlyandchik: 313-222-5026 or mkurlyandchik@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @mkurlyandchik and Instagram: mkurlyandchik.