Week 3 opens the morning after Kelsey and Hannah Ann’s second blowout over Champagnegate. Hannah Ann is crying and confiding in Alexa, who is telling her to talk to Kelsey. Alexa waxes vaginas for a living and is by far the most normal of all the women in the house.

Kelsey walks up to Hannah Ann and Alexa and they agree to talk. Kelsey is upset that Hannah Ann called her a bully and Hannah Ann is upset about Kelsey calling her a bitch after the “champagne fanasco.” Hannah Ann might be able to manipulate Peter and navigate the politics of living with dozens of women, which does require a certain intelligence, but she’s dumber than a sack of rocks outside of that. Kelsey tells her that “calling someone mean names isn’t bullying,” and I’d like to direct her to reddit, where I’m called a bully for calling this show like I see it by a bunch of naive Karens.

Kelsey then tells her it’s “not about the champagne; I don’t even like champagne.”

Victoria P. is invited on a one-on-one date with Peter, which starts with them driving down a California highway in a retro truck while not wearing seatbelts. I guess if you’re teaching girls that this is a normal way to find love then preventing them from reaching adulthood via a horrific car crash sort of takes care of any potential damage you did. Peter gives her a “tour” of his hometown while she quizzes him about whether he likes red or white wine. When he answers “red” she celebrates as loudly as I do when my teams win. She tells him he “passed the test,” and it really doesn’t need to be said but women who appear on reality TV to find love have incredibly low bars.

They eventually find their way to a “cowboy store,” which is apparently something that Peter, a wealthy kid from suburban LA, is into. He teaches her line dancing in the store and we’re reminded again that this show is for cynical left coasters and dolts from flyover country who consider eating a salad without mayonnaise as “gay.”

They head to a country western bar, which is full of women. I’m sure the owners stuffed some local women’s pockets to draw in men after the show airs. Fellas, it isn’t worth it. Yeah, you might sleep with one of these women but it’ll be the most vanilla sex you’ve ever had in your life and she’ll be expecting a ring within a month.

They end the date with white wine (were the producers not paying attention?) and pasta in an airplane hangar, which is still a better Italian restaurant than Olive Garden. Victoria P. spends the dinner crying about her impoverished upbringing and feeding her sister a raw potato with salt to make sure she was fed. She cheers up and tells Peter that he’s shown her the “love she deserves.” Reminder: she’s been on two dates with this dude. This woman needs a therapist, not a relationship.

Peter tells her that he “talked to God” about finding a woman and as soon as he prayed for this a shooting star went across the sky. He is so full of shit but she buys it because she’s a crazy person. He gives her a rose and they make out because nothing turns a guy on more than spending a date hearing about your fucked up family. They end the date dry humping in a Cessna, as all middle aged men who buy a plane expect.

Back at the house Alayah is drunkenly gloating about how wild she is while sitting on the counter. Sydney is immediately threatened by her. Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, and Alayah are invited on a group date. Sydney insinuates that Alayah isn’t here for the right reasons. If a football game doesn’t really start until the first turnover, then The Bachelor doesn’t really start until we get a “Right Reasons” monologue.

The girls are all awoken by Demi (from Colton’s season) and two roller derby teammates hitting them with pillows. This is pretty unfair to the women not invited on the date. Demi tells the girls that they look “haggard as fuck” and she’s not wrong. She gives the women clothes and tells them they have an hour to get ready for their date.

I’d prefer it if The Bachelor used real dating challenges like this as dates instead of what we’re about to see. Get ready in one hour while Peter paces around looking at his iPhone. Drive while Peter navigates to a place neither of y’all have been with spotty service. Make it to the airport for a 6AM flight. Go to the store while both both of you are hungry without a shopping list. Attend a party that neither one of you really wanted to go to. These would make for fantastic TV and are actual challenges that couples encounter regularly.

Back to “reality,” most of the women are given lingerie (which Kiarra pronounces “lingery”) except for Savannah, who is given a MuuMuu. The take a party bus to a saloon, where the women will pillow fight in front of an audience. The fights will be called by Chris Harrison and Fred Willard, who really doesn’t look great, especially when contrasted with the last time I saw him, in this incredible sketch:

Seriously, please watch I Think You Should Leave on Netflix if you haven’t already. The episodes are 15-20 minutes long so its perfect for binge watching. Eat an edible and laugh for a few hours.

There are apparently no rules to the pillow fights and I think the winner might be the woman who makes Fred Willard’s penis move. Willard cracks a few tame jokes and you can tell in Chris Harrison’s tone that there were others that might not have made the cut. Disney is more than OK with half-naked pillow fighting but don’t you dare say anything biting. Alayah and Syndey are matched up twice and Alayah “wins” and Sydney is pissed.

At the after date cocktail party, Alayah kicks off by taking Peter aside for some solid one-on-one time. He crowns her Miss Pillow Fight or whatever and really doesn’t seem into her.

Alayah pokes the bear with Sydney and asks if she quit the fight. Sydney fires back by asking if Alayah “like works.” Alayah is being reasonably open because Sydney is too dumb to make it obvious that she’s going at Alayah. She calls Alayah “rehearsed” while she stumbles through a vapid attack. Alayah only seems rehearsed to Sydney because Sydney has the wit and charisma of a stoned mosquito.

Kelley tells Peter she doesn’t like his beard. Peter doesn’t have a beard. Peter has stubble that George Michael would have let grow for a week before he trimmed it. Sydney spends her alone time with Peter throwing Alayah under the bus by calling her fake. Women like Sydney help Peter in the end but they don’t make it far at all. They’re essentially house moles and the best case scenario is that he treats you like a bro for a few weeks before he eliminates you.

Peter gathers with the other women on the date and puts Sydney’s accusations out there for the other women and Alayah to respond to. Alayah (wisely) asks the other women if they feel like Sydney and none of them answer. It’s a power move that seems to shut it all down. After Peter leaves, Alayah confronts Sydney in front of the other women and Sydney refuses to back down by saying she’s different when the cameras are rolling. Spoiler alert: everyone is. When my dad waves his iPhone in my face I act differently than I normally do and his video is only going on Facebook and not a huge network TV show.

Alayah chases Peter down and starts crying which elicits an exasperated “oh my God” from Peter. This dude is such an asshole. I get it, there’s a lot of unnecessary drama on this show, but he blows her off in a way that really showed his true colors. Peter gives Sydney the Snitch the group date rose and leaves unceremoniously.

The next morning Alayah is confiding in Mykenna. She seems genuinely taken aback by the broadside from Sydney and I don’t know if it’s her lack of makeup but she comes off as sympathetic. Chris Harrison comes in and tells the women that Peter will be joining them for a “pool party” today instead of a cocktail party. I put pool party in quotes because the pool is just a reason for the women to wear bikinis. None of them ever get into the water because of their microphones and vanity.

Peter is somber as he greets the women, telling them that he feels some doubt creeping in. He immediately pulls Sydney outside. She still has the rose from Peter, letting the audience know that it’s big deal to her and to be honest, it’s probably the last significant rose she’ll receive. She’s clearly getting used by Peter but she’s too much of a mental lightweight to see it.

Peter then talks to Kelsey, who tells him that she thinks Alayah is two-faced. Kelsey is the last person Peter should ask about anyone. After her antics last week, Jesus Christ could walk through the doors of the mansion and Kelsey would talk shit about him to save her ass.

Peter then talks to Natasha, who is clearly trying to be diplomatic. This is a notable change from her. She’s normally not afraid to speak her mind but she clearly doesn’t want to get involved and likely doesn’t think there’s much there if she’s not willing to wreck Alayah. Natasha is one of my favorites from this season. She’s smart and seems like a good person outside of the show.

Next up is Lexi, who tells Peter that Alayah’s voice goes up a few octaves when the cameras turn on, which could be fair but all of these women act differently around Peter than they do around the other women, and than they do when talking to producers.

Alayah, who is wearing a damn thong at the pool party (this is why the women are coming for her, she’s confident and beautiful and they’re threatened) goes off with Sydney, who tells her she can’t be happy all the time. Speaking as someone who tries to be pleasant and positive at all times, Sydney can fuck right off with that line. Alayah shouldn’t have to apologize for putting on a happy face.

Alayah decides to talk to Peter about everything in an attempt to clear the air. He’s obviously not into her, whether it’s innate dislike or because of all of the smoke the women have kicked up. You can tell during this interaction that she’s toast. They end their sit down with a kiss but it’s basically the hot dog and curly fries before the lethal injection.

She returns to the women gloating about how well their conversation went. I don’t think it went as well as she did and it’s about to get a lot worse for her.

Victoria P takes her one-on-one time with Peter and tells him that Alayah asked her not to tell producers that they knew each other from the pageant circuit. She tells Peter that Alayah is open to other opportunities after the show and complete torpedoes her. All of these women are open to other opportunities after the show. Peter was obviously open to another opportunity after his show, but somehow this is a deal breaker because we’re supposed to believe that the Bachelor exists in a universe where the Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise don’t exist.

I’m not done with Victoria P either. She’s an awful person. I’m calling it right now that she ends up being the Big Bad this year. All of the other leaders (Kelley, Madison, Hannah Ann) have some sort of redeeming qualities.

Kelley seems like an amazing hang. She drinks hard, has like 17 brothers so she probably likes sports and isn’t shy, and she seems like she’s horny 24/7.

Madison seems pretty vapid but she’s athletic and seems like she’s a stable Southern girl.

Hannah Ann is clearly angling to be the Bachelorette but she has let her guard down a few times and while she’s not book smart, she’s beautiful and charming.

Victoria P. is pretty for a Lego woman. She has a stable job and is a prototypical pretty blonde but is single at 27 and I can’t recall her ever mentioning a long term boyfriend in any conversation or her brief biography. HUGE RED FLAG. She all but told Peter she loved him after about three hours of talking to him. AGAIN, HUGE RED FLAG. She’s manipulated Peter twice in this one episode, which I normally applaud but she’s not doing it to entertain us or to try to be famous. No, she’s doing it because she’s actually in love with Peter. She. Is. Insane.

Following his conversation with Victoria P, Peter takes Alayah aside again and she has no idea what’s about it hit her. He tells her that he thinks she’s maybe been a bit manipulative and she delivers my second favorite “Wait, what?” of the 21st century.

Positively Lolaesque.

He confronts her about what Victoria P told him and he clearly caught her. She tells him that she didn’t tell the producers because she was worried that they would both be disqualified. This actually makes a ton of sense. Peter thinks she’s being dishonest and keeps interrupting her while she’s trying to explain. He then tells her that Victoria P was honest with him about it WHEN SHE WASN’T UNTIL IT SUITED HER NEEDS YOU DOLT. Victoria P didn’t tell Peter or any of the other women about her casual acquaintance with Alayah until ten minutes ago. He leaves Alayah sobbing uncontrollably on the pavement as Chris Harrison walks in to tell the women that Peter has left and that they should prepare for the rose ceremony. This makes Mykenna cry because she didn’t get any attention this week.

At the rose ceremony Peter gins up some fake drama before Sarah, Jasmine, Alexa, and Alayah are eliminated.

The episode ends with Peter telling the producers that he doesn’t feel good with his decision to eliminate Alayah. He thinks he gave in to the girls’ opinions of Alayah because he absolutely did. He spent the entire episode practically begging them to shit on her and they obliged.

Awkward DVR Pause of the Week

Tammy was VERY into the pillow fight