Girl Scouts Declares War, Renames as Dinosaur Scouts, Allows Boys and Trans

May 04, 2018

The Boy Scouts of America doubled down on their mission to consume all boys and girls by announcing it will drop the “boy" from the name of "Boy Scouts" and just be called Scouts BSA, or Scouts.

Change has been coming quickly to the shrinking Boy Scouts organization, whose enrollment has dropped to a low of 2.4 million youths. In 2013, the Boy Scouts lifted its ban on openly gay scouts. In 2015, it ended its prohibition on gay leaders. In 2017, it said it would accept transgender youth. And later in 2017 it began accepting girls.

This is a welcome move to people on the side of inclusion. This is an act of “queer propaganda” to those who have seen how drinking “milk from nuts” is turning babies gay.

But this an act of nuclear war to the Girl Scouts of America, whose own enrollment numbers have dropped to a low of 2.9 million youths. Girl Scout CEO Sylvia Acevedo responded quickly, striking fast.

“Now you Scouts are trying to steal our girls?” shouted Acevedo. “We the Dinosaur Scouts now, bitch! All girls are welcome. And boys. People of all genders, two spirits, trans. Come one come all to Dinosaur Scout Jurassic Park!

“Earn Dinosaur badges. Survive in the wilderness on the back of a Triceratops. Fly a Pterodactyl like they did in Avatar. Braid dinosaur feathers into your hair. Make forts and houses inside of hatched dinosaur eggs. What you Scouts got over there? Webelos? Sure does blow. Scouts BSA. Bunch of BS to that A. We still selling our Girl Scout cookies… Dinosaur Scout cookies now. Choke on a Samosa T-Rex, motherfucker! Ha!”

Scouts BSA chief Mike Surbaugh looked down to his 9-year old son, who was busy playing with his set of toy dinosaurs, then looked back up with a sad sparkle in his eye, and responded with “Uh oh.”

So it's the Scouts versus the Dinosaur Scouts.

Not quite.

In 2013, a group of evangelical leaders formed Trail Life USA. Trail Life provides “a safe haven for boys and men who believe the Boy Scouts pro-gay drift has gone too far.”

“We have Jesus,” said chief Mark Hancock, whose enrollment numbers have reached 26,000 members. “Come to the Trail Scouts. We have Jesus and no gays."

Who will win? Will there be a new Cinderella contender? Stay tuned at The Tilted Glass. We will cover the heck out of this for you with our team of award winning prehistoric journalists.



Scouts versus Dinosaur Scouts versus Jesus: Infinity War. Now playing everywhere.