Hunter, Blogger: Unless he proves me wrong, Tom Delay lures children into his van with candy, gasses them to death with bug spray, and uses their powdered bones as an aphrodisiac when making love to all the animals at the San Antonio Sea World.

Prove me wrong, pal, prove me wrong.

On a more positive note, I want to congratulate Republicans on finally coming up with one (albeit inexplicable) smear against Obama that isn't just codespeak or awkward polite-company placeholder for "he's black. Scary!" Consider the recent dismal record:

Obama has a Kenyan father! (You know what color Kenyans are? Black!) Scary!



Obama might secretly be a Muslim! (You know what color Muslims are? Neither do I, but they might be black for all I know!) Scary!



Obama's middle name is ethnic sounding! Scary!



Obama attends a black church! With black people! Scary!



Obama needs to better prove his patriotism! (Waiver of proof granted if you are a white politician.) Scaaaary!



Obama needs to prove he understands the middle class, like [insert fabulously wealthy pasty white lawmaker here] undoubtably does. (Because black people might not understand the middle class like rich white people do!) Scary again!



Obama can't bowl! (You know who else can't bowl? Terrorists -- I mean, black people!) Super scary!



Obama's wife, this one time, possibly was in the same room as Louis Farrakhan's wife! For a women's luncheon! With black people! Scaaaaary! Booga booga booga! Look, I'm holding a flashlight under my face right now! And there, on the handle of the car door, was a hook! Aaaaaagh!

Translation of all of the above: Oh my goodness, this guy might be African American or something. But we can't say that out loud, because it's the freaking twenty first century and we'd look like giant, bigoted jackasses.

So this new Republican opine that he might secretly be a Marxist is a bit of a novelty. Now, I'm not sure if even two in ten Republicans could tell you exactly what a Marxist was, precisely, but at least it's nice, European fearmongering. You still get to make the point that the Democratic candidate for President of the United States might secretly be a traitor to our nation, and way of life, and not really a good wholesome flag-humping patriot at all -- but instead of looking like a hopelessly behind-the-times bigot trying desperately to stay relevant and on the airwaves, you just look like an unfathomably shallow idiot with no grasp of history or politics trying desperately to stay relevant and on the airwaves.

I do think Tom Delay should, you know, read a book or something. At least to pass the time between murdering children and sodomizing sea life.