12 July, 2016. 15:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

IN STICKING WITH HIS plan for our future, prime minister Malcolm Turnbull has announced today that his Fibre to the Node dream for the National Broadband Network will go ahead, because bringing fibre into the home can cause autism.

Autism from memes.

Speaking today beside the communications minister, the PM outlined that there’s already been a dramatic spike in autism diagnosis that has been attributed to memes – and bringing lightning fast internet into the bedrooms of thousands of at-risk young men will only make things worse.

“You’ve got those two frogs,” said Turnbull.

“That one who always wants to kill himself and the one on the unicycle or swiss ball, I can’t remember. There’s others, but these are the ones that mainstream normies use every day now, which is making them much more susceptible to late-onset autism,”

“Young people should be out starting businesses and working hard. Going to college and having a go. If the Coalition were to give fibre internet to these meme makers and high-functioners, then we’re going to see some Brexit-level autism here in Australia – which is something I won’t let happen.”

Hitting back at the “damaging” and “hurtful” comments made by the prime minister earlier today, a local internet user, who’s high-functioning enough to speak to the barber when having a haircut, said that the PM is just showing how out of touch he is with younger voters.

Taking some time out from Pokemon Go! to speak to The Advocate this afternoon, Emmett “Lazerhawk” Coopers lashed out.

“Fibre to the Home is the smart option, but I guess Malcolm has always been a bit of a low-functioning prime minister,” said the 21-year-old marginally employed window washer.

“I’d be surprised if he’s even allowed to take a shit without first consulting the Christian right faction,”

“He’s not progressive at all. Gough Whitlam said we could even run the fibre cable through his corpse if we had to, just get it done. That’s progressive.”