In a perfect world, our parents would be perfect. We would come into the world as vulnerable, receptive blank slates and our perfect parents would meticulously cater to our physical and emotional needs — protecting us from serious danger while simultaneously giving enough so we can take care of ourselves, transforming us into functional adults.

But we don’t live in a perfect world. Our parents aren’t perfect and their parents aren’t either. Most of the time we won’t even know what went wrong.

Because most of us only live with one set of parents our entire lives, it can be seemingly impossible to discover the needs that didn’t get met. Our parents’ behaviour is all we know.

It’s often believed that an abusive childhood is linked to single, intense events such as a parental figure beating or sexually assaulting you. But abuse could also be a core part of your relationship with your parents and perhaps has become a central part of your existence.

Some archetypes include the ‘spoiled rich kid’ who believes the world should give him what he wants because his parents did, and lashes out when he doesn’t.

Or the ‘girl with daddy issues’ who was neglected by the male figures in her life and now seeks men who similarly neglect her. It would also be easy to label these neglectful men as evil but that doesn’t give an accurate picture of the truth either — perhaps dad was always at work and never gave him the attention he needed, or mom left home and never came back.

Sometimes even small events can cause you to distrust your caregivers. Acts with loving intention such as lying about Santa can teach you that the people you love will lie to you.

Or you might accidentally touch a hot stove and become angry at your caregivers for putting you in danger. You might not consciously think about this, but these wounds live in you as ‘childhood trauma’.