A Day In the Life of Dr. Oz

6:45 am: Choose to wake up. Most people let consciousness happen to them. This was why they so often developed diabetes and lymph resistance (also eating too much yeast). Dr. Oz chose to stop sleeping at the same time every morning, because it was time to save the world.

*

7:15 am: Eat steel-cut oats until satisfactory bowel movement achieved.



*

8:20 am: Commuters swarmed past him like a river splitting around a marooned log. “Escalators are killers,” he shouted hoarsely over the noise. “You’re riding a staircase straight to deep-vein thrombosis.”

No one was listening. Enough was enough. Time to bring down the machines. He hefted the mallet out of his messenger bag. “I’m helping you,” he yelled over their screams. “I’m helping you.”

*

10:15 am: Hit the OR. “No scalpel today, Dr. Oz?” one of the nurses asked.

“You must be new,” he said, smiling at her. “Scalpels are a tool. But it’s a myth to think that I can’t be a surgeon without one.” She blushed. “Surgery is 99% about believing in yourself.”

*

11:00 am: Sideburn maintenance and stethoscope placement.

*

11:25-27 am: Two minutes of silent, uninterrupted eye contact with the First Lady (Skype). “You need to work on eye placement, Michelle,” he said.

*

12:50 pm: Superfoods.

*

2:15 pm: “Ouroboros?” he said patiently, putting his glass down and turning to his assistant.

“Yes?” she squeaked tentatively.

“Are these raspberry ketones?” he said, pointing at the distinctly not-red-tinted smoothie.

“Um.” She froze. He waited.