I would like some advice on how best to initiate a conversation with my in-laws about their approach to being grandparents. They recently retired, are in good health and financially comfortable. They live not far from us in a large house with a garden, and have the space to look after the grandchildren (we have two young children) for an evening if they wish to. Except that does not appear to be an option.

We have regular (day) childcare, but thought it would be helpful if they could take the boys for an evening every few weeks so my wife and I could go out, which we do rarely. But each time we have tried to set this up, my in-laws have changed their mind at the last minute.

As it seems they are not ready for this, we have stopped trying to set up time with them alone with the boys. Our boys love them very much, and the in-laws do love spending time with all four of us – although I think of them as a bit cat-like; the love always has to be on their terms.

When we got married my father-in-law threatened to cut off his daughter, and not attend the wedding unless she complied with one of his requests. These threats to cut off are not made idly. My father-in-law has form – he no longer talks to his sister and has only recently repaired things with one of his adult children.

I regard him as a controlling individual. I have no idea what my mother-in-law’s influence is; they operate very much as a unit, and I have never spent time with one without the other. Apart from the control, they also appear to be motivated by material things and their home is immaculate. I strongly suspect, although they deny it, that this is behind their reluctance to take the boys into their home.

My wife does not want to force the issue with them. She is concerned that, if pushed, they will withdraw and this will damage their relationship with the boys. She loves her parents, despite being exasperated by them. I want to be able to talk to my in-laws about my concerns like an adult, but my experience of their family dynamic over the 10 years I have known them makes me feel it is unlikely to go well.

It is a brutal moment when you learn you can’t choose your in-laws, you can’t change them and you really don’t like them very much. And while, almost every week, I advocate communication – this week, the word acceptance keeps coming to mind, lit like a neon sign in my head. You are never going to change your in-laws and so I think you have to radically change your expectations of them.

I also couldn’t quite get over your expectation that they should babysit. And I wonder if they sense this and resent it and are trying to keep you in your place without saying anything.

Your father-in-law may be a control freak – you may be, too, by the way, and it may be a case of you butting antlers here. He may be scared of getting it wrong with your children or with you. He may be trying to be “respectful” in a way that seems odd to you. He may not ever have been shown how to “do” emotions. What sort of father was he? There was no mention of that in your longer letter. There was also absolutely no mention, at all, of your family, which I found strange.

One could ponder for hours on the whys and wherefores, and indeed I have – but you started your letter with a question and to help me answer it, I consulted the psychotherapist Marcus West (bpc.org.uk). He wonders if you and your wife might “be able to work through your expectations and disappointment? You may then be able to address the matter in a simple, straightforward manner, asking, for example, whether there is anything you can do to facilitate your in-laws having the boys, and whether it would be easier if they came over to your house to do so (and perhaps for a short time on the first occasion)? This might hopefully facilitate a good, open discussion and outcome, especially if you are prepared to accept, ‘We’re sorry but we can’t manage it’ for an answer.”

Simple though this is, I think this is the way forward.

What should be a straightforward question has become so locked and loaded that I could feel the tension from your letter.

West says: “Do not start with ‘I want to talk about your grandparenting style’ and, instead, simply try to ask ‘Would you be able to babysit next week?’ Could you do that without an edge?”

Could you? I also think you need to listen to your wife here. She knows her parents best.

You say your father-in-law has form with cutting people out of his life, so I would take that possibility seriously, but your in-laws are happy to spend time with all of you. I would go with that. Things may shift as your children get older – in the meantime, ask someone else to babysit.

I wondered if you examined – beyond the babysitting, beyond your father-in-law’s obsessive housekeeping, and his expectations when you got engaged – what it is that so annoys you about him? I wonder, in short, if he reminds you of someone else.

Your problems solved



Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

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