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Westminster have outlined plans today to offer Scotland the gift of fire in the event of a no vote.

In what is seen as part of a cynical last ditch attempt to persuade Scotland to remain part of the United Kingdom, Gordon brown was brought out of retirement to offer Scottish voters not only some communal fire, but the means to actually light their own. The former prime Minister it’s thought will also be wooing voters with free sticks, a consignment of animal furs and the Oxfordshire market town of Bicester.

“Only through voting No can Scotland be granted the mystic secret of flickery magic that behold gives light heat and power. Not to mention when they want to settle disagreements and ignite rival villages.”

David Cameron, who is believed to be visiting Scotland this week, said he thought the fire alone would be enough to clinch a No vote.”I can’t wait to see their little faces light up when they realise they can eat their favourite square sausages at higher than room temperature. ” he explained.

Popular as it may be in Scotland the ‘new deal’ has already had its critics south of the border. Richard Littlejohn of the Daily Mail told us. “They’re not used to wielding so much power over a natural element. They’ll just end up setting fire to themselves, each other and everything around them. And who’ll have to foot the bill? Muggins here probably.”

A defiant Alex Salmond has argued that Westminster can stick fire up its arse. “An independent Scotland will decide if it needs fire and if it is our sovereign will then we’ll work it out for ourselves. It’s got something to do with rubbing one stick together.”