Dear minions,

For the last few weeks I’ve been writing about all the ways we’re probably going to die. Forget about that.

… probably is just a bunch of maybe’s, but us humans are way more self-sufficient than that.

Listen, we can sit around cursing the Universe over probabilities of destruction, or we can take matters into our own hands and blow everyone up before anyone else gets the chance!

… why leave something to chance when you can just go ahead and get it done yourself?

Maybe this is our moment… Our one shot… Our opportunity to show the Universe who really wears the pants in this part of the galaxy!

… our destiny!

Why else would we build so many megatons of nuclear explosives otherwise? It’s not like they’re good for anything else.

No no, the bombs were built to make sure nobody ever blows anybody up!

You hear that Universe? We thought this through! We have a plan…

*clenches fists*

We don’t need your help to obliterate humanity! Nobody ever blows anybody up, not on our watch, not unless we blow them up!

*scowls and starts to fist-bump*

We’ve got this, thanks for nothing Universe. Throw your asteroids, launch your solar flares, blow your supernovas, it doesn’t matter anymore… We don’t have time to wait, life’s too short. We’ve built our nuclear arsenal!

*starts eyeballin’*; this is essentially a scowl, but with a direct focus – in this case aimed at the Universe which is everywhere, anywhere and possibly nowhere.

Hey Universe, did you really think you could plot the extinction of humanity without consequences?! We’ve got launch codes that pack more G-units than any apple you ever dropped on Newton. We’re droppin’ bombs! You’re throwing rocks… We’re blowin’ up! You’re passing gas… You suck.

*interchanges fist-bumps with high-fives… fist-bump, high-five, fist-bump!*

You got speed of light? Big whoop. You move so fast, we’ve got you trapped in a time paradox. I can have twelve kids, learn to juggle, and even figure out where they stashed every single Waldo before I ever see you move the second hand on your clock.

*starts chanting the lyrics to Destiny’s Child – Independent Women*

It’s over Universe.

*hands over humanity’s declaration of independence from the Universe*

If you thought you could just take billions of years to obliterate all lifeforms, you’re wrong. You’ll never get the chance… Never have the satisfaction! This is our story, we get to write the end.

*takes out little TNT box with giant red button*

Hey Universe, it says right here in the instructions, “Do not push”. Dare me to try? Don’t you think it’s funny the Universe can end the way it started with a big bang? HAHA!

*pushes red button; WARNING: Are you sure you want to end the world?*

Oops wrong button… I don’t want to end the world, I want to end the Universe! Remember, that’s what these nukes are for. To protect humanity! If the Universe wants war, we’ll give it war!

*looks for bigger redder button*

Hey Universe, what was your big brilliant plan anyways? Wipe us out like we’re shit stains? Threaten us with the probability of apocalypse till we lose it? The suspense isn’t killing me, it’s killing you. You’re not walking away from this, you’re coming with us. We’re ripping apart every fabric of your existence, all the space and time and however many realities you keep interwoven in your whole complex stringy mess.

*ah here it is… the event horizon vacuum… this is a special sort of nuke, we made it just for you*

Hey Universe, bet you never thought there was a way to suck every black hole inside out all at once. We’re taking the point of no return, and turning it! You’ll never take our light. What’s the matter? Oh, the sudden release of all matter! MWHAHA!

*pushes bigger redder button… wait.. wait for it! Hmm… shakes device.. ahhh! dead batteries, see it’s working you’re next!*

Hey Universe, the problem is you let that whole expansion thing get to your head. Who decided you could run the show? Do we look like a species of under-achievers? I don’t think so.

This life is ours for the taking…

*…3 ..2 .1*

WAIT WAIT WAIT! This is crazy! …

You don’t understand, at night this is how we get to sleep…

Without nukes we’re sheep, can’t even bite, don’t have upper teeth…

If we don’t blow this lid, Earth’s a defenseless turd, one giant heap.

The Universe is the wolf, it’s coming for the herd, it senses we’re weak.

… I know it sounds absurd.

Personally I hate darkness, all I need is a light to fall asleep.

Come to think of it, sometimes I find comfort counting sheep.

… Shit maybe we are the Cuckoo bird.

Maybe the enemy isn’t the Universe, it’s the havoc that we wreak.

Lets disarm every nuke, every gun, every weapon in the fleet.

… Hey, Destruction, we’re taking every sword.

Swore you would protect us? How? You enable war.

We’re not able to take it anymore, you’re the unstabler.

The eraser taking life from the world, but it’s all human error.

Polluting the air we breath, global warming, look in the mirror.

Whose there? It’s you. It’s me.

Except I don’t trust you, or you me.

So here we go again, the bombs keep detonating.

*…3 ..2 .1*

WAIT WAIT WAIT! There’s got to be a way to stop that countdown…

The best way to avoid a nuclear warfare of stupidity is to not have any nuclear weapons because there’s no way to get rid of all the stupidity.

… there’s plenty of chaos in the world without the need to go and make more.

Remember, humans are descended from a species that still flings poop at one another. Do you really think it’s safe for us to have access to nuclear weapons?!

… we’ll never stop the countdown, we’re born to be wild.

But we can limit the consequences by not having any weapons. Because, if we’re not running around killing each other, what else is there to do but make love?

*…3 ..2 .1*

2014 Calendar of Destruction

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, we’re probably going to be responsible for our own demise.

… Don’t panic!

There’s a chance we might not be insane enough to nuke ourselves…

However, we might do something far worse! I’ll tell you what that is next Monday at 7:01AM!

That’s when I unveil the next scenario from the 2014 Calendar of Destruction. Each month features an increasingly terrible and slightly more probable way you are likely to die and perish!

Don’t miss next weeks disaster. Join the World Domination Newsletter if your brain is far too small to remember without a reminder.

Here’s the list of apocalypses discussed so far: