I’m honest enough with myself to know that, deep down, I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and also karmic retribution. Vengeance isn’t a pretty trait, but sometimes it’s just so satisfying that I shiver with flavour and tiny little orgaslettes. Like now! Facebook pages fade away, but I have over ten years of content online and meticulously groomed and I never, ever forget!

I figure we could all use some good news, so here:

This fine young gentleman is Jason Li of Richmond BC. There are numerous claims that he was actually a hero and was trying to stop the destruction, but many videos prove otherwise and show him breaking the window of the BMO downtown. Jason attends – or possibly attended, as there are rumours that he was expelled at the instant of his arrest – McRoberts Secondary. In addition to being an Air Cadet, he is also an amateur actor:

He was caught this afternoon at school, where he shall live on in infamy:

Good work, everyone.

But that’s not all!

Meet Nathan Kotylak from Maple Ridge, BC! Nathan, while not lighting cop cars on fire in downtown Vancouver, is a star water polo player who attends the University of Calgary on a scholarship. He’s the son of a doctor, and an Olympic hopeful. Here’s what he looks like when he isn’t committing cowardly acts of destruction in my city:

This photo, and the accompanying article, appeared in newspapers all over the Lower Mainland less than two months ago. How far Nathan has come since then!

This is Brydon Harker, who attends Delta Secondary. Brydon would like you to please not judge him for his actions, because the window was already broken and he just made a “drunk mistake”. I’m sure we can all forgive him, right? After all, boys will be boys!

There are HUNDREDS of these. I could go on all night. I want these people to be forever tied to their actions last night; for their names to be known by everyone who loves this city – Vancouver, where NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE FROM – and to be made to pay for their crimes. And they will. And I am just human enough to know that the thought of their humiliation for years to come makes me REALLY, REALLY HAPPY.

I’m sure you’ll forgive my vengeful fantasies – it’s just a drunk mistake!