When the first extraterrestrial life forms to ever land on the planet Earth made contact with human beings, they were looking for one thing and one thing only: a neutral safe haven in the galaxy.

The people they made contact with decided that the best course of action would be to conceal the most significant discovery in human history for the next 60 years while secretly profiting off of the aliens' vast knowledge and technology, because the people they made contact with were Americans.



"Coming in peace is all well and good, but it doesn't pay the bills."

Thus, the creation of the Men in Black, the most catastrophic blow dealt to the advancement of the human race since MTV realized that it could make millions of dollars filming a bunch of alcohol-soaked disease farms having sex with each other. The MIB are little more than shakedown artists wearing suits, acting as a totally unnecessary broker between two groups who could interact perfectly well on their own, sort of like the IRS.

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Let's look at the first Men in Black movie. Agent Jay, NYPD beat cop and walking Klansman's litmus test for how a black person behaves, underwent a vigorous selection process for MIB candidacy that left absolutely no question that he was the least qualified man for the job. He is literally a failure across the board -- he shoots a little girl in the face during a training exercise and has a completely derisive disregard for authority. Yet they hire him that day, because he can run fast. Clearly, the MIB isn't quite the elite task force we are led to believe.