As your new secretary of education, I would like to make it abundantly clear that I believe a good education is very valuable. And nowhere is that value more evident than in the profit and loss statement of a wisely run charter school.

Indeed, a quality education pays dividends. Just ask the shareholders of America’s best for-profit schools.

I believe every child is a special and unique cog in the giant wheel that is the education-industrial complex.

You see, schools have inputs, processes, and outputs. Children are the raw materials needed to make something useful to society (profit). Processing, or teaching, refines them into the widgets we need for the economy of tomorrow.

I also believe that every child needs to know God created them with a special purpose in life, and that some of those special purposes are more special than others. And by “special,” I mean “profitable.”

My job, as secretary of education, is to find the right minds for design and research to output the finished product with minimal waste and maximum profit.

I also believe that every child needs to know God created them with a special purpose in life, and that some of those special purposes are more special than others. And by “special,” I mean “profitable.”

They say a child’s worth is immeasurable. Except in dollars and cents. Then it is totally calculable, so long as God gave you enough special purpose to afford to learn math so that you can measure a child’s worth. In dollars and cents.

It’s just like my confirmation process in the U.S. Senate. God blessed me with an abundance of special purpose, which allowed me to demonstrate my worth as a presidential cabinet appointee with millions of dollars in political contributions.

And during those confirmation hearings, I received an education about education, an education that proved valuable to both me and the re-election campaigns of many Republican senators. I learned about the difference between growth and proficiency, and the members of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions (well, at least the ones running the committee) profited from me receiving that education on education, which is how God intended for the education system to work.

Yet, as valuable as that lesson was to me and to the controlling members of the Senate, it pales in comparison to the value of a child attending a for-profit school.