Nobody gets too excited for Leap Day. It’s kind of like a 24 hour shrug that comes once every four years. Still, Leap Day doesn’t happen very often which makes it fairly special for a non-holiday day. On the other hand, your distinct lack of specialness would be offensive if your averageness weren’t so numbingly bland.

Leap Day may not be the most amazing day of the year but it is still more special than you are. I will demonstrate proof now.

Leap Day is infrequent, but it is consistent, so that’s admirable. On the other hand, we have to deal with your up-and-down bullshit every goddamned day.

Caesar is referred to as the “father” of the leap year concept because he reformed the calendar from lunar cycles to solar cycles which ended up being one of his most enduring legacies as a ruler. On the other hand, you were invented by two ordinary parents so boring they’re both named Terry. The only legacy you carry on is unremarkable genetics and assorted psychological problems.

The calendar shows only 365 days in the year, but the truth is that a full trip around the sun is 365 days and 6 hours. That’s why an extra day is needed every few years, to account for that time within the calendar system. Huh. That makes sense. On the other hand, every moment spent with you is time that may as well not exist because it is so achingly, painfully forgettable.

The way our standard Gregorian calendar is set up (named after Pope Gregory XIII who introduced it in the 16th Century), a leap year is only in years that are divisible by 4, such as 2008, 2012, and 2016. Years that are divisible by 100, but not by 400, do not contain a leap day. Thus, 1700, 1800, and 1900 did not contain a leap day, 2100, 2200, and 2300 will not contain a leap day, while 1600 and 2000 did, and 2400 will.

On the other hand, you are somehow even duller than that fact.

In Ireland and Britain, there’s a tradition that Leap Days are the one time when women are allowed to propose marriage to men. On the other hand, the only traditions about you are that, traditionally, no one thinks about you when you’re not around. The only proposal you’ll ever receive is “I think we should see other people.”

This superstition is popular in Greece. In fact, about 1 in 5 couples will delay their engagement simply to avoid getting married in a leap year. On the other hand, marrying you would be bad luck during any year.

Ja Rule was a rapper who made it big in the early 2000s due to successful collaborations with Ashanti and Jennifer Lopez. On the other hand, your most successful collaboration is with abject failure.

In 1504, Columbus was able to use his knowledge of a Leap Day lunar eclipse to convince Native Americans they should give him supplies. On the other hand, you are at your most convincing when you’re being self-deprecating. People from all nations can agree that you are not special. In truth, that is your greatest gift.

On the other hand, getting burned at the stake would be the only way your life would ever be interesting.

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