Recap: Auxana and Kenji had three kids. Bertram and Barney are twin boys and Cassiopeia is a female PlantSim.

We begin today’s tale of the Horsley family with a shot of the twins aged up into children.

Bertram (on the left) has become a kid with No Sense of Humor, which I’m sure will help him get all of the ladies as he ages up.

Barney (on the right) has decided he wants to be a Vegetarian for the rest of his life… which, you know, is perfectly fine, but his favorite food is Hot Dogs, so I’m not sure what he’s planning on doing there…

Bertram gets his own room.

So does Barney.

The family buys a new snowcone machine, which I immediately regret allowing, as nobody ever stays the hell away from it. On the way to the bathroom? Better make a snowcone. Need to answer cell phone? Gotta eat that snowcone first. Starving to death? Surely a snowcone will satisfy the hunger need completely.

Kenji is loving every minute spent with Cassiopeia.

To keep his other kids occupied, Kenji builds a playground on the lot for the twins to play on.

Luckily, the boys seem oblivious to their father’s neglect and spend most of the day playing with each other.

Probably best they spend most of their time outside, as Kenji believes he can improve his cooking skill and is often setting the whole house on fire while trying to do so.

Bertram is cowering in the corner during this particular fire because he had gone inside to make himself a damn snowcone.

Auxana has mastered the sculpting skill, making her 1/3rd of the way finished with her Lifetime Wish.

She builds a small shack to use as a place to keep memories, paintings, and other memorabilia.

The kitchen/living area is enlarged and redone a bit.

“Check it out, Barney, I just became a scout yesterday and I already have a bunch of badges.”

“Conveniently, brother, I too have stolen a scout uniform from the locker room in order to impress the girls in our class. I’m gonna tell people I got this badge because my shlong is the biggest in the world.”

Barney’s disgusting lie actually works on this girl, Sasha-Ann Cortes, and she comes home with him after school.

“What, you mean like this big? I’ll keep moving my arms out to my sides and you just tell me when to stop.”

Auxana’s birthday! She is about to become an adult!

Based on the title of this chapter, I’m sure you could have guessed Auxana is undergoing a midlife crisis as an adult.

Her first wish is to change her wardrobe. She picks out the gaudiest dress in her possession and starts demanding everyone treat her like a queen.

A diva with a midlife crisis is never a good thing.

“My milkshake doth bring all thine gentlemen to mine lawn…”

What’s a new wardrobe without sexy-licious new nightwear?

Cassiopeia’s birthday is next. Kenji goes all-out redecorating the nursery to her liking.

“Hello, dear plant friend, my name is Cassiopeia, and you have just become my slave! ‘Tis but a shame you will be unable to leave the confinement of that pot… however, I am quite pleased with your arrival to my humble abode! Your first order of business is to compliment me on my dancing skills!”

Cassiopeia has gained the Party Animal trait.

“This is a dance I am going to call The Clap! Whenever I meet new friends, I’m going to tell them they simply MUST try The Clap!”

“I’m thinking if I become a DJ or something, I can start my own blog and just send people dance songs for a living, you know? Math isn’t going to prepare me for that. I’m just saying.”

“Gotcha. Dad! Now YOU have to catch ME!”

“Cass, it’s four in the morning… We’ve been at this for nine hours, you already know I can’t catch you because you keep asking the trees to knock me over while I run after you…”

Auxana’s next wish is to argue with her husband. She ambushes him as soon as he walks into the house and changes his clothes.

“What is that on your face? Are those glasses? What, now you can’t see all of a sudden? Geez, you MUST be blind if you think purple was a good hair color choice!”

“What?? Auxana, what are you talking about? I’ve always worn glasses… and you were the one who dyed my hair purple!”

“I don’t want to hear it! You look ridiculous!”

“Hmph! I know what this is, you’re going through a midlife crisis or something. Well, I’ll have none of that! Talk to the hand, ’cause the face don’t wanna hear it!”

“Ooooh, look at me, I’m Kenji and I like beakers and liquids and science books and putting them all together to make science-things! I’m so smart!“

“And I’m Auxana, and I’m so wonderful and popular in my renaissance dress! I like giving people terrible makeovers because I have horrible taste in style!“

Ho… damn, Kenji, don’t you know never to insult a diva’s sense of style??

He knows he has gone a step too far.

Auxana’s anger wells up within her and is expelled through her angry gaze, knocking Kenji right in the face and sending him backwards.

Today’s lesson: don’t anger a diva. She can defy the laws of physics just to teach you a lesson.

In other news, Sasha-Ann and Barney have become pretty good friends. They hang out just about every day after school.

“I’m just saying, Barney, you haven’t met everyone in the entire world, how could you possibly know that your shlong is the biggest?”

Auxana spends her nights at the karaoke bar with the sole intention of getting everyone in Appaloosa Plains to stare at her on a nightly basis.

When she doesn’t get the attention she wants, she often streaks.

Blurred for your own protection. Trust me.

“I’M THE QUEEN OF APPALOOSA PLAINS! EVERYONE BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW LEADER, AUXANA!”

Poor innocent bystander gets smacked in the head as Auxana proclaims her new self-appointed position of leadership.

We shall leave the Horsleys here for now, as I’m not sure how much more of Auxana’s streaking I can handle at this current time. Need to go bleach my eyes for awhile…