Andrew Butler

I’ve been following the debate about women’s reproductive “rights,” and the conservative fight for our great nation to take seriously the evils of birth control. After very little deliberation, I’m convinced. Birth control (or as I now call it, baby-melting) is little more than murder. If you’re wasting potential egg/sperm combos you may as well be running around killing babies at random.

Which brings up the question of boners. What are boners, if not potential babies? And what are potential babies, if not actual babies? Therefore any man who gets a boner and subsequently fails to impregnate one or more women has killed (at least) one baby.

Certainly not every attempt at fulfilling god’s intention for boners is successful, but if a man was drowning in front of you and didn’t even try to save him, you would be guilty of his death. The reckless and heartless act of wasting a boner constitutes the exact same thing, and could be classifiable as manslaughter, negligent homicide, or even pre-meditated, cold-blooded murder (which is what I now call masturbating, unless you’re at a sperm bank.)

These are facts. But the liberals who run this country refuse to recognize the heinous crime of boner-wasting. That’s why I’m proposing a new bill to the great lawmakers of this country: No Boner Left Behind.

I envision an America in which every boner is able to live up to its full potential, and no innocent babies are snuffed out before they even have a chance to be conceived. Every baby is a miracle, so every boner is a miracle too. No Boner Left Behind would establish clear guidelines making every man responsible for his boners, and ensuring that no boner is ever allowed to die without fulfilling its god-given purpose. Accordingly, for the small-spirited men who summon boners but fail to do God’s work, the law would supply appropriate punishment. Probably death.

Please, please, please call your representative in Congress and ask, nay, demand that they give EVERY boner a chance. Tell them to sponsor my proposed bill: No Boner Left Behind.

We all started the same way. Boners are our past, and boners are our future.

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homepage photo credit: Lourdes Cristina