For my wife, M.

"May the world be full of sunshine,

And our meetings frequent be

Hours of joy & quiet time,

Take us over life's rough seas." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Present Day - Vermont

The sound of the doorbell cut jarringly through the usual silence of the house. Elsa looked up from her computer in surprise. She was not expecting anyone. Elsa never had unscheduled visitors. Household maintenance was always meticulously scheduled. Packages were always delivered to her post office box that she visited once a week. Her groceries were delivered every Tuesday.

After consideration, Elsa decided to ignore the bell and turned her attention once more to her laptop. She had work to do and turning away some sort of salesman or Jehovah's Witness was not productive. The bell rang again insistently, this time thrice in rapid succession. Elsa frowned and took a deep breath, trying to calm the irritation that was rising within her. She glared in the direction of the door, daring the bell to ring again.

Five more bells. The sound was angry and impatient. Elsa hesitantly rose to her feet, a sense of dread growing in the pit of her stomach. Shouldn't they assume no one was home at this point? She considered the facts. Her car was in the driveway so it might seem like she was home. On the other hand, her property stretched for two acres of dilapidated farmland so it wasn't a certainty that she was in the house.

Was there some sort of emergency? An evacuation? She hadn't received any notifications or news. The doorbell persisted. Curiosity won in the end, and Elsa walked quickly to the front door. As she got closer she heard the banging that accompanied the rings. She paused mid-step, her mind running through some gruesome examples of serial killers and murders she had read about recently on Wikipedia.

Would a criminal bother to knock? She hesitantly approached the door and pulled back the curtain of the window on the top half to see who was there. Familiar blue eyes stared back at her. Elsa gasped, dropped the curtain again and then fell to the floor, out of sight with her back to the door.

"ELSA!" Her sister bellowed, banging and ringing with renewed vigor. "I saw you! I'm not leaving until you open the door!"

"I'm not here!" Elsa blurted out, then slapped her palm to her forehead. Idiot. "I mean — it's just — go away, Anna!"

"I drove for six hours to get here! I'm not leaving!"

Elsa sighed. What was she even doing? A hundred disparaging remarks flew through her head. How many times had she dreamed of seeing Anna again? Now she was here and what was she doing? Hiding and babbling nonsense through the door like an idiot. Elsa rose to her feet and took a slow deep breath before exhaling with a quiet sigh.

A thousand questions ran through Elsa's mind ranging from obvious important ones such as how Anna had managed to track her down, to small insignificant ones like did Anna still hate cheese. Elsa raised a shaky hand to the doorknob. Five years of training surely couldn't be for nothing. She's just your sister.

The door swung open and despite everything, Elsa still felt shocked that it really was Anna standing there. Five years older than when she had last seen her, but definitely Anna. Her strawberry-blonde hair was shorter, pulled back into a single ponytail instead of the two braids she used to sport. Her face was flushed, probably from the shouting and pounding, but she smiled in relief when she saw Elsa across the threshold of the door.

Beautiful. Elsa shook the thought away and then suddenly became very self-conscious of the fact that she was just wearing an oversized sweatshirt with a picture of a moose and faded jeans. "Anna," she breathed, then cleared her throat. "Hi."

"Hi?" Anna repeated, her voice incredulous. She made a face. "I mean, well, yes, hi. Hello sister I haven't seen in five years. Hello my only family that I didn't even have the decency to call once. Hi, person I grew up with for seventeen years before deciding that running away forever was a cool thing to do."

"Anna," Elsa said, lowering her eyes in guilt. "How did you find—"

Elsa's words were cut off mid-sentence as the younger girl encompassed her in a strong hug. Elsa stood helpless for a second, then her arms came up and hesitantly returned the embrace. "Elsa," Anna whispered, her breath hot against Elsa's neck. "It's really you."

"It's me," Elsa choked, her grip tightening as emotions flooded her. She wasn't sure how long they stood there, unmoving, just holding each other. Elsa simply clung to Anna, immobilized by fear. She was half afraid she would wake up and Anna would fade away, just another vivid dream. She was more afraid that this was real and she would need to explain her actions and face the past. Elsa wasn't sure she was ready for that.

Anna stirred first, stepping back out of the embrace and rubbing the tears out of her eyes. She looked as conflicted as Elsa felt, but her eyes had a determined glint. "We have a lot to talk about," Anna said and the tone of her voice left no room for interpretation as to what they would be talking about.

Elsa took a deep breath. Here was her big chance, the one she had played over time and time again. This was how she could rewind time, fix the mistakes of the past. She could take Anna's hand in hers, apologize and say that she had been confused and wrong and that she was sorry.

"Elsa-Elsa no, that's—that's disgusting." Anna's voice rang vividly in her mind. Her carefully rehearsed words died in her throat, choked by fear and shame. Elsa pressed her lips together tightly and swallowed, motioning for Anna to enter the house. "You can't think that this is real."

Hands clenched tightly at her sides, Elsa took a deep breath to calm herself. She willed herself to think of something-anything-that would stop Anna's words from replaying in her mind over and over. Wounds that she had spent years carefully bandaging were ripped open anew. The armor and poise she had trained on so hard were shattered. Pathetic, she thought. She used to think that if she just had more time she could maybe manage to make amends and things could go back to a semblance of normality. But even as Elsa stood there, lamenting over the past, feeling all the pain anew, one emotion stood out stronger than all the others. Desire. "-That's disgusting."

They sat at the kitchen table overlooking what used to be a pasture for cows to graze. It had snowed heavily the week before and the pastures were still covered in a blanket of white. The bright afternoon sun reflected almost painfully off the snow.

How did one start a conversation like this? How does one greet a sister not seen in over five years? Elsa swallowed and looked up to find Anna gazing intently at her, also seemingly at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry." Start simple. "I'm sorry," Elsa repeated, trying hard to keep her voice calm and level. "I know I just kind of disappeared without saying anything, I just- "

Needed time to get over my incestuous lust for my little sister?

"Why couldn't you just talk to me?" Anna interrupted, looking hurt. "I know a lot of stuff happened but why couldn't we have talked about it? I-I know I said things and a lot of things happened back then, but were you just planning to never talk to me again?"

"I just thought it was better this way," Elsa blurted, surprising herself with the truth. "I —I needed time, Anna. It was…hard. I didn't feel like I could be around you."

The words struck home and a pained expression flashed over Anna's visage, the anger dissipating, replaced by guilt. Elsa knew Anna was also now thinking about what exactly had happened between them. How could she not?

"I know. And I'm the one who is sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I said—everything I did back then." Anna's face flushed at her own words and she began to study a knothole in the wood table intently.

Elsa wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Of course, Anna would be sorry. Sorry that harsh words had been exchanged, sorry that a game had gone too far. Even now, Anna couldn't possibly believe that what Elsa had said back then was the truth. That she was such a twisted and unnatural person. Anna was too good to believe that Elsa could be something so wrong.

"You don't need to be sorry," Elsa said, her voice soft. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just needed to be alone."

"I read your book." Elsa jerked her head up in surprise at the change in conversation, her cheeks flushing. Anna pulled a tattered paperback out of her bag. She hesitated for a moment, then flipped it open to the fourth page and read the dedication out loud. "For my sister, A. I thought you hated me." A nervous laugh echoed through the kitchen. "The first few years I really believed you hated me. But then I read this. I read this and was so relieved. Though, you know it's weird to dedicate a book to someone and never tell them about it."

"But you only read fantasy novels," Elsa said accusingly. Anna had read her book. Anna had read the book and knew Elsa had written it. "Also, I wrote that under a pen name."

"Elsa Adams, E. Arendelle. It wasn't that big of a jump," Anna said with a small laugh. "Once I knew, I had to find you. What kind of last name is Arendelle anyway?"

"My editor suggested it. He said it was European." Elsa shrugged and resisted the urge to take the book away from Anna. She had always known that there was a possibility Anna could read the book, but she never thought Anna would know Elsa had written it. She should have picked a better pen name. "Also, I think a normal person wouldn't jump to the conclusion it was me."

"I'm not just anyone, Elsa. I know you."

Elsa felt her heart throb inside of her at those words. Anna reached across the table and took Elsa's hand between hers. The warmth of Anna's hands, the softness of her voice, Elsa wanted to close her eyes and believe that everything was okay, even if only for a moment. For a moment she could…

"We can make it work," Elsa said, her voice excited. Anna was lying next to her, her head resting on Elsa's shoulder, Elsa's fingers absently running through strands of red hair. "Our inheritance will last at least until you graduate college. Then we can move, somewhere. Anywhere. A place no one will know we're related. I could get a name change."

"A name change?" Anna repeated hesitantly. "But Elsa, what about your plans? I thought you were transferring to Columbia after I graduate."

"I don't care about that, I just want to be with you." Elsa rolled over, pinning Anna beneath her. "Anna, you're the only thing I need."

She leaned in to kiss the other girl, but Anna turned her head away. A pit of dread began to form in Elsa's stomach. "Anna?"

"Elsa," Anna began, her voice unnaturally neutral and quiet. "You can't think that this is real?"

Elsa recoiled as if slapped. She sat up and looked at Anna, waiting for an explanation, a retraction, anything that would soften the words that had been said. Anna didn't look at her. She got up and dressed silently, her back to Elsa.

"Anna?" Elsa hated the way she sounded at that moment. Her voice was hoarse, her tone pleading. It sounded so pathetic to her ears. "Anna, I-I love you."

"Elsa, we're-we're sisters. We can't…we can't keep pretending that this is okay. You can't derail your entire life to make this work."

"Why not?" Elsa stumbled off the bed and grabbed Anna in a desperate embrace from behind. "Anna, I thought—I thought you wanted the same thing. I thought you also wanted us to be together for real."

For a moment, Elsa felt Anna soften into her embrace. In that brief moment, she saw the future clearly painted in front of them. A dream of the life they would live, regardless of what anyone else would think. Anna and Elsa, together forever.

"Elsa—Elsa no, that's—that's disgusting!" As the door slammed behind Anna, Elsa realized how fragile and delicate her dreams had been.

Anna cleared her throat, startling Elsa from her reverie. Elsa wondered how many years would pass before the pain of that memory would begin to lose its edge.

"What happened back then," Anna started, then trailed off, her grip tightening nervously around Elsa's hand. "What happened back then was my fault, you know?"

"It wasn't anyone's fault Anna," Elsa lied. She knew it was her fault. She was the one harboring unnatural feelings. She was the one who was tainted by perverse desires. She was the one who was broken.

"Was I a monster from the start? Has the dark in me finally come to light?" Anna quoted from the book, her voice sad. Elsa looked up, but Anna turned her face away to look at the fields of snow outside. "You weren't the monster in that story, Elsa. I know you think you were, but the monster was actually…the monster was me."

Elsa looked at Anna in confusion. The younger girl took a deep breath, then began to explain.

Notes: The book quote is actually lyrics from Monster from Frozen on Broadway, (C) 2018 Walt Disney Records