In the spirit of elevated copy pasta and shit-posting, we are following up Jay Castello and Heroes Never Die’s neat guide for picking a favorite Overwatch League team with our own calculated analysis. The Overwatch League has expanded for Season 2, bringing on eight new sets of VC-backed FPS and MOBA lords for a total of twenty teams. But which should you be pounding brewskies and buying merch for? It can be tough, so we’ve followed in the uncomfortably, awkwardly close footsteps of our (new) friends at Heroes Never Die and prepared a little guide to assist in your deliberations. We might cover all 20 teams this year with rankings and whatnot, but it won’t be on this post so don’t worry about making this your new homepage.

Atlanta Reign

Soldier 76 is a gay American hero with an approachable Call-of-Duty skill-set to complement his reserved demeanor. He is also back in the meta because the Danish Danger, the McDouble Trouble, Daniel “Dafran” Francesca has returned.

Reign Down if… you want your Big Mac and Fries with a side of Pog Tac and Visor.

Boston Uprising

All of their DPS are gone, but they remain in good, warm hands since one of their tanks can cook and the other is Canadian. This off-season they added an Australian, a Brazilian, an Englishman, and a Korean — so the stereotypes about Boston’s preference for white, American athletes can stop now.

Rise Up if… you want to shake your booty at Brazil’s Carnival alongside alemao, Boston’s newest Brazilian acquisition.

Chengdu Hunters

Represented by pandas, adorned in bumble-bee yellow, and invoking Chinese predation — the Chengdu Hunters already have a complicated character, replete with contradictions, to accompany the potent play of their eight Chinese players and single, magnificently named Taiwanese DPS: BaconJack.

Just Chengdu It if… you think pandas are cute and multidimensional characters are literary requisites.

Dallas Fuel

The Cowboys are in the playoffs, the Mavericks have an incredible rookie, FC Dallas is a real MLS team, and the Dallas Fuel have a platinum-haired, bisexual Tracer god primed to pop off alongside a squad that finally hit their groove in Season 4.

REEE if… you don’t like San Francisco, but do want to support America’s cockiest DPS.

Florida Mayhem

Apply was once an Overguard tournament MVP, now he is on a two-way contract with the Mayhem. Consequently, the Mayhem are our favorite team and should be yours.

Florida Man if… you understand that mixing TviQ with an Overguard MVP and seven Koreans is a recipe for success.

Guangzhou Charge

If you can get past the electrolyte cravings and colored sweat from looking at their logo, the Gatorade Charge do have cool colors and a quality, international roster.

Charge On if… you think that their assistant coach being name Tydolla is a sign.

Hangzhou Spark

They play electronic video games with their hands and fingers so their logo is a fucking finger-gun in a bolt of electricity. They are literally going to be clicking heads in hot pink and electric blue uniforms. In what spider-verse are they not the coolest team?

Spark Up if… you have already watched the “Guxue” pronunciation tutorials.

Houston Outlaws

America’s most charismatic team hit the jackpot by gaining even more charm and an actual Tracer player with Dante “danteh” Cruz. They may have struggled in the Overwatch World Cup, but this season is a whole new world.

Outlaw Up if… you are an egirl.

London Spitfire

From a fashionable main tank and a sparkling, dangerous DPS duo to an even-keeled flex tank and flex support with some Robin Williams goofiness — the Season 1 champions have got some juice.

Fire Up if… you’re a chav, a hypebeast, or just a fan of beautiful Overwatch.

Los Angeles Gladiators

Top-tier jebaiters with a strong team full of pretty hair. The Gladiators are already cool, but their donations to the mental health charity tournament we co-host, BigGoose’s interview with us, and their signing of former Overguard player Panker make them even cooler.

Shields Up if… you are Finnish or a Tisumi stan.

Los Angeles Valiant

They have fantastic cosplayers and good chemistry. Also, the karmic boost they receive from letting SoOn leave to join his fellow Frenchmen on the Paris Eternal should make this season be less In-and-Out for the Valiant and more winning out.

VALLA if… you appreciate the art that is Fate’s tolerance of KariV.

New York Excelsior

One of the best, easily. They’re all Koreans and they’ve all dominated across OGN APEX, the Overwatch World Cup, the Overwatch League, and Overwatch Contenders. They also may have sponsored an Overguard tournament and granted us time with ArK for an awesome interview.

Excelsior! if… you’re a hypebeast, a New Yorker, a Korean, or a fan of beautifully inconsistent Overwatch.

Paris Eternal

This team might be right for you if 1) you like handsome main tanks and professional Russian dancers, 2) you are still clinging to the heartache of a disappointing French performance at BlizzCon, or 3) you are excited to sing “Voulez-vous jouer avec moi ce soir?”

Smoke a cigarette and drink some wine because existence is short and rather meaningless if… you want SoOn to bring back his yellow glasses.

Philadelphia Fusion

Having Carpe on Fusion is unsustainable for the team. He will eventually bring the rest of the team down. No matter how much Fusion invests in this team, they will never be able to afford the aquarium to keep Carpe at optimal performance. It is the sad reality of signing a fish, but Fusion will soon learn.

Pdomnjnate if… you don’t believe in unsustainability.

San Francisco Shock

Their logo is ugly and they betrayed danteh, but both of their supports (Moth and Sleepy) have played in Overguard tournaments and they boast five DPS players so… dream team.

Shock Up if… you like Yeezys and meme-lord social media teams.

Seoul Dynasty

Gido and Miro are gone, but this can not be the end for Lunatic Hai. Through off-season acquisition Fissure, Miro’s spirit lives on in a similarly bespectacled, trash-talking scientist. Fleta remains elite, but they’ll need some more consistency from their other DPS if Ryujehong, Tobi, and Zunba are going to start winning games again.

Seoul Plane if… you want to see the next evolution of Ryujehong’s hair.

Shanghai Dragons

Geguri likes frogs and we like Geguri. If you like winning, this might not be the team for you — but Diya, Fearless, and Geguri are joined by an entirely new roster for Season 2 so Shanghai’s chances actually feel promising.

Give All Your Energy if… you want to be there for the most monumental first win in sports and esports history.

Toronto Defiant

You get two teams in one by supporting the Defiant or Reign. But if you must choose, Toronto is an international team that hired bilingual Korean brainiac Bishop and German analyst Barroi before casually distancing themselves from Toronto’s former team and signing an all-Korean roster, so they’re kind of fun and exotic.

Legalize marijuana and universalize your healthcare if… you can forgive Toronto for not naming their team “the Six.”

Vancouver Titans

The league’s second Canadian city was able to scoop up the entire, beloved RunAway roster. That makes Vancouver’s team pretty cool, but the absence of the color pink and Flowervin might be a deal-breaker for some.

Run Towards if… you love Runaway, but wish their uniforms were much more drab.

Washington Justice

Washington sports fans could use a pick-me-up after the collapses of their Redskins and Wizards. Similarly, mykL fans are probably distraught that the former leakboi is no longer leaking. Fortunately, both of those birds can be stoned by the Justice who have some good Korean coaches (WizardHyeong and AVALLA) as well as mykL’s former comrade at Kungarna, assistant manager Kate Mitchell! They also happen to have some inconsistent, but intriguing players on their team.

Let Justice Reign if… you refuse to kneel during the national anthem.

* Featured image is from Robert Paul for Blizzard Entertainment. Inspiration is from Jay Castello for Heroes Never Die. Inconsistently beautiful writing is by Théo Salaun aka Tepojama *