Twitter chief executive Jack Dorsey said he is rethinking core parts of the social media platform so it doesn’t enable the spread of hate speech, harassment and false news, including conspiracy theories shared by prominent users like Alex Jones and Infowars.

—The Washington Post.

You might be surprised to learn that raising children is not all that different from providing a global platform for hate speech. That’s why I’ve found Jack Dorsey to be quite the inspiration and have transformed how I parent to more closely follow his example. You’d be a democracy-loving fool not to try this at home.

Instead of family meetings where everyone has an equal voice, and where feelings and concerns are shared and worked through together, we now host a weekly family shout-down. One person speaks, and then we all yell at him until he shuts the hell up, cries, or leaves.

After our family shout-down, I provide a laundry list of problems that we’ve been experiencing since the very inception of our family. This lets my children know that, oh, I’m aware of what’s happening. I’m not out of touch. After I finish reading the list, I do a cross-legged meditation as they watch, confused and helpless. Then I do that Ronald Reagan getting-on-a-plane thing and pretend to be deaf to their follow-up questions and suggestions.

I then attempt to appear chagrined that I have created a monster—or, rather, three monsters: Maeve, Hudson, and Jack. But, look, this is just how things are right now! It’s not like I have any control over it. Hello, I’m not God! But also, if I wanted to do something God-like I totally could, since I am the founder of this family and also in charge. But I’m not God, you guys! But I am also not not God.

Next, I review any updates to our family policies, such as:

1. Punitive time-outs have been changed from one minute per age of child to seven days straight at a theme park.

2. When a child lies to us, henceforth we will immediately surround that child with other children who tell the truth. (I’m not entirely sure what this accomplishes, but I enjoy the visual.)

3. When anyone accuses our family of being “an echo chamber,” we will each take turns yelling “ECHO!” louder and louder until the accuser runs away with her hands over her ears, begging us to please stop.

4. If you incite violence against the family pet, you are still a member of our family since you haven’t technically “violated our rules,” but you probably have, and there is likely a whole bunch of proof that you have repeatedly violated other rules, but, really, what even are rules?

At this point, I like to remind the children, “If you don’t like it, go ahead and join another family that gives you both a crucial global platform for promoting your personal brand and also an avenue for undermining democracy and making marginalized people feel unsafe! Ooh, wait, looks like there isn’t one—whoops.”

We typically conclude by reviewing the changes I “plan to make” to be a “better parent.” Then I smile the generous and confident smile of a billionaire who has absolutely no intention of following through on any of it.