The Mill stops for nothing: not Christmas, not the World Cup, not even our beloved Nana Mill’s 100th birthday. Oh eff that was yesterday, wasn’t it? She’s going to have a seriously affronted coupon when we explain that we missed her party because we were busy probing snouts about where Marouane Fellaini might be playing next season.

Anyway, to business. A number of players – 736, to be precise – may have been effectively banned from arranging transfers during the World Cup, but that doesn’t stop us making up stories about what they might do after talking about all the other players in the world!

Thomas Lemar agrees to join Atlético Madrid as Griezmann extends contract Read more

Arsenal have agreed a deal for Bayer Leverkusen keeper Bernd Leno – insert your own Royksopp-themed gag here – and are set to follow it with the signing of Sampdoria’s Uruguayan midfielder Lucas Torreira. Hang on, Torreira’s in Uruguay’s World Cup squad. Whatever happened t- oh never mind.

Chelsea will appoint the former Napoli coach Maurizio Sarri as soon as they cross Antonio Conte’s palm with enough compensatory silver. Gianfranco Zola will be Sarri’s assistant. And as soon as the management team are confirmed, Chelsea will press ahead with bids for Robert Lewandowski, Nice midfielder Jean Seri and CSKA Moscow midfielder Aleksandr Golovin. Won’t somebody think of Danny Drinkwater?

Don’t stop us if you think if you’ve heard this one before, because we already know you have: Eden Hazard may join Real Madrid from Chelsea this summer. And suggestions that Nabil Fekir’s move to Liverpool is definitely off are FEK NEWS: the transfer could still go ahead after the World Cup.

“Union” Jack Wilshere, whose Arsenal contract expires in a couple of weeks, is wanted by Sampdoria, West Ham, Wolves, Milan and Southampton.

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Everton’s new manager Marco Silva is setting his sights high: he wants to get his healing hands on Sporting Lisbon winger Gelson Martins, Ajax defender Matthijs de Ligt and Mexico’s earthquake-causing winger Hirving Lozano.

Finally, Sevilla and Fenerbahce are interested in former footballer Daniel Sturridge, and Liverpool are interesting in receiving £15m for his increasingly inconsiderable services.