After Donald J. Trump was elected president of the United States and God Emperor of my heart, I just got so damn used to winning all the time.

The godless socialists were losing ground and traditional patriotic values were returning to America like flowers in early spring.

But it seems the cultural marxists have won the latest round in the culture wars. They finally managed to stop smoking weed and engaging in deviant sexual activity long enough to hit American culture where it hurts: imported Japanese video games.

Yep, the cultural marxists managed to make Link transgender for 10 minutes in the new Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

Nintendo usually sticks to hyper-traditional gender roles, despite widespread criticism in the gaming press. The company’s top blockbuster characters Link and Mario, have stayed men who rescue damsels in distress, even when the wider world demands they change.

But it seemed even Nintendo is vulnerable to the siren song of cultural marxism. In a short scene in the new Zelda game, Link dons a sexy Gerudo outfit for like 10 minutes, rendering him trans.

The Internet exploded at the revelation. Gamers were declared dead and communists rejoiced in reaching another milestone towards the complete destruction of the traditional American family unit.

TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL LINK TRANS GIRL L — The☭Mariana☭Wench (@TEANTACLES) March 1, 2017

As a child playing Ocarina of Time, my own gender identity was reinforced by the fact I knew Link was an androgynous MAN. Sure, a subtle piece of fabric could render him a pretty girl that did weird things to my budding sexuality, but he was a MAN all the same.

And when my father caught me putting Barbie dresses on my Link action figure, trying to recreate this ideal image of womanhood I had in my mind, he sent me to our pastor John Shanley in Colleyville, Texas.

Pastor Shanley sat me down and said, “Listen son, sometimes a pretty androgynous man is gonna trick your godly heterosexual sensibilities. In the anime otaku subculture, this is known as a ‘trap.’ Don’t be confused by their pretty eyes and voluminous hair. This is unmistakably the work of satan to tempt young men into SIN and accidental SODOMY!”

Damn Nintendo and damn, these cultural marxists for bringing childhood trauma and temptation into my adult life.

The line between male and female must never be crossed. Pretty androgynous men should remain pretty androgynous men, not dressed in female clothing to lead good Christians astray!

As protest I will be holding a burning of all the copies of Breath of the Wild, I can get a hold of. The toxic fumes from burning plastic will be wafted towards the Nintendo of America Treehouse division as a warning to censor this crap out of their games next time before they reach the good Christian shores of America.

Follow me on Twitter @William__Hicks.