My first son is the most flexible little child I have ever encountered when it comes to being able to take him out to stores, stay up late, sit in restaurants, etc. He almost rarely throws a tantrum, and when he does it lasts about 7 seconds before he calms down and moves on to something else that makes him happy. That is a fantastic thing for a couple like us – we found that having one child really wasn’t that different from having no children. We still went out as much as we wanted and pretty much wherever we wanted. It was that freedom that would ultimately lead to one of the most shameful moments of my life – and one of the awesomest.

It all took place at our local upscale mall. We were walking around enjoying a beautiful summer day, looking at stores and pretending we had the money to buy stuff. We passed by a Tiffany’s and I joked about going in to see how much it costs to get something there. We wandered in and fortunately it was packed, so no one was there to hassle us or stare us down for bringing an infant into the store. I carried my son – he was only about 5 months at the time.

My wife was browsing the rings and had found herself entranced by some very large gems. She flagged down a salesman and tried it on. It was beautiful and I was momentarily transfixed by its shininess. It was in the moment that I sensed something aweful had occurred. I didn’t quite know what it was, but the feeling was strong and came from the deepest caverns of my intuition. I looked down and saw a brown mush dripping down my arm. My heart stopped for a minute as I realized I was victim of a full on blow out – but how bad was the damage? My eyse followed the trail of dump as it dripped down my arm, onto my stomacy, all over my chest, and ultimately all over the store’s carpet in gigantic plops.

I grabbed my wife’s arm – “we gotta problem honey.” Her response was that the ring wasn’t as expensive as I would think. It was then her eyes followed mine down toward the ground and she shrieked. The saleswoman also saw it – and pointed to the back where there was a bathroom. We ran, me holding the child tightly to my chest to avoid any additional spillage. Once in the bathroom, I took of all my clothes and soaked them in the sink. Then we strippd our son naked and soaked his clothes. About 15 minutes later I was re-dressed in my soaking clothes and my son was wearing nothing but a diaper. We sat in there a bit longer and strategized our exit. Finally we agreed – let’s just run. So we flung the door open and ran out, passing the manager the floor scrubbing the stained carpet with a rag. The store was empty – my son’s butt had cleared the entire store.

A few months later I returned to the store incognito, wearing sunglasses and a hat. I had to know what had happened to the carpet. As I approached the rings, I noticed a large circle that was faded where my wife had been standing. I then followed several more circles leading toward the bathroom. I guess that ring was never meant to be.