So I came across this while job hunting today….

http://www.jobsite.co.uk/job/are-you-fly-like-a-g6-no-experience-needed-938837840?src=search&back=N

And instead of giggling and moving on to more actual job hunting like I should have done, I decided to apply. In true arsehole style. First, the cover letter:

Word up!

Hey man, was just checkin’ yo add on jobsite and was thinkin’ “Heyyy! I’m fly like a G EIGHT baby! This shizz is totally down with me!”. It’s totally me you is describing, when I’m at the club I’m all over them boyz with my strong communication skills and they KNOW what I’m wanting! I’m all up on my performance targets, my famous excellent telephone manner gets all them fellaz ta holla at me! On tha dancefloor I’m all high energy and up for them fast-paced environments! WORK IT, baby! But you know when I get me a man worth keepin and I holla at him on tha phone and his mommas answerin’, I all polite and well mannered and shizz. But to get that man you gotta be competitive and know what you want! Ya hear me?

In tha future I is well hopin’ for some grade-A paychecks yo! I’m gonna get me some career progression, achieve me some goals and then I’ll be the flyest momma in town. I reckon Sales and Marketing would be tha best place to go because I gots experience in retail and telesales and my customer service skills are BURNIN they so hot. But them bitches they be feared when imma progressing to management. Imma be fearless an ruthless to get what I want and imma get well competitive to achieve my goals. Ya hear me? I know you flyin with that.

So yea’, you KNOW you be finding my attached CV with all my previous experience an’ that. Thanks for hearing me out y'all and holla at me any time you be wantin’ to hear more about your girl Holly. Thats me, and don’t you be forgettin’ it!

Laters!

MissEE C xXx

But then of course, the CV had to be attached….

Curriculum Vitae - Miss Holly V. Cornforth

Crib: xx xxxxxxxxxx Road Holla!: (XXXXX) XXXXXX

Kidderminster

Worcestershire Mail me yo: xxxxx.xxxxxxx@xxxxx.xxx

XXXX XXX

Personal Statement.

Word up bitchez! I be MisscEE but my momma calls me Holly cuz she be proper ya no? Haha. Anyway, you be readin’ this so you be wantin to hear more about your girl so imma stop ramblin an get to tha point. Imma crazy competitive momma who don’t be messin’, imma gonna stop at nothin’ to get me what I want. I got tha skills in customer service an that cuz I been workin’ in waaayyy many sales and leisure jobs, an I’m damn hot at computers too, I’m all up on 3 different operating systems an all Microsoft Office and Adobe software. Don’t be forgettin’ my man Quark xPress too! That boy be rollin with layouts, haha. I been gettin my degree in Graphic Design and thats made me crazy mad for details. I’m crazy for marketing an advertising, they be my specialist subjects, yo! But man I’m telling you, doing that degree made me so organised and efficient, them deadlines be well met hahaha.

So for the past 7 years your girl Holly been workin freelance with her design work and that, because being a student I was WELL poor and your girl need something to keep her lookin’ fly! I be learning all about sales, marketing, advertising and branding but I’m tellin’ you the real thing is keepin’ hold of my main men, them special clients I don’t wannt be loosin’. Those guys are crazy fly. I be workin with boyz from a crazymad mix of industries, like IT technicians and software developers and even bankers an that. Ain’t no thing your girl Holly can’t do, so you better gimmie a holla right now or your girl’ll be snapped up quickstyle haha! You don’t wanna be slow or you be missin!

Qualifications and Key Skills.

• 9 GCSE’s Grade A-C

• A-Level English and French

• HND Graphic Design

• BA (Hons) Graphic Design

Employment History.

June-August 1999 - Castle Insurance

Position held - Administrative Assistant/Receptionist

This shit was crazy yo, young MisscEE workin on a reception greetin customers and answerin’ phones an that. I make a crazymad cup of tea yo! Haha. I also did the filin an that.

June-August 2001 - Alan J Bagley Associates

Position held - Administrative Assistant/Receptionist/Data Entry

Here I be workin’ with my boys the financial advisers writin letters for them an that. I also went crazy on their database and swapped systems over for them. Damn that list was long. I was doing a bit of the reception work too, they be sellin’ houses to folk an I be tellin’ them what to buy. I be dreamin’! Haha

May-November 2002 and April-November 2003 - West Midlands Safari Park.

Position held - Ride Operator

Damn this shit was cool! I got to work on fairground rides man, workin them an that. But I don’t be no carny yo. Them girls are skankin’.

February-May 2004 - Cheapest Flights

Position held - Travel Sales Consultant

Here I be workin’ on the phones sendin nice folk off to the sunshine. Shit was hard yo, your girl misscEE needs a holiday!

September 2004-June 2007 - Oswald Bailey

Position held - Retail Supervisor

This shit made me the Queen Bee yo! I be trainin an managin the girls and boys an doing the important shit like cashin’ up an that. They even gave me a key, you KNOW your girl was feelin fly about that! But I hadda learn loads about tents and walkin sticks and stuff. That shit be crazy.

August 2007 - Present - Duos photographic Studios

Position held - Photographers Assistant

Here I be workin for my main man Alex helpin him with his cameras and shit. I gets to do art direction too, and I be doin his publicity an marketing work. Holla!

October 2007 - August 2008 - Greenwoods Menswear

Position Held - Sales assistant

Damn this shit be proper. I had ta wear a suit an be all straight girl for them boys who be signin’ their life away with weddin suits an that. But you know your girl holly had some fun measurin’ them up haha. Some of them boys be fly as hahaha

December 2008 – December 2009 - Voodoo Lounge/The Skiving Scholar

Position held - Bar Staff

Now you know your girl be lovin her nightlife! And this time I got the dollar for it haha! The boys be dancin, the girls be struttin and I be providing the party! Mad crazy nights here.