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Yeah, be thankful you're still alive to pout, you death-wish-having little shit.

But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

So, what, I'm just supposed to go into it blind? Just wing it and hope I come up with skills on the fly? This is where parents sound the most condescending, because you're basically looking me dead in the eyes and saying, "No matter what you think or do, it's wrong." And that may be true, but even if plans change, there needs to be one. You don't just stick 11 guys on the field and say, "Good luck!" You give them a play to run and then let them adjust as needed. And now all I can think about is gigantic men throwing and punting a baby.

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Do you have actual advice that will help a future parent? Great, let us know ... but don't just whip out that bullshit where you pat us on the head and give us a patronizing "Aw, isn't that cute. He thinks his little plan is going to make everything smooth sailing. He thinks he has it all figured out." Nobody thinks that. You didn't think that before you had kids. But for some reason, when people become parents, they forget, and they start viewing the rest of the world as if they have no concept of reproduction, even though we are biologically designed to do so.

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Thanks, biology. Appreciate that.

We genuinely understand that what we picture in our heads isn't going to match reality. We can see that in simple observations of new parents versus those with multiple children. We see the changes in not only their rules but in them as people, because as it turns out, most of us aren't smoldering fucking idiots.