Well, what an interesting week it has been. And here at The News Conduit, we’ve not only been covering the popular stories, but also those stories that are slightly off-center. Here’s a summary of the top 10 news stories you didn’t hear about this week:

1) Anyone up for a peroxide enema?

17 tourists in the spa town of Yessentuki (in Russia) were treated to enemas of hydrogen peroxide instead of water, and all 17 had to be admitted to hospital after the mix-up. Apparently the mix-up occurred because water and hydrogen peroxide look the same, which has led us at TNC to speculate that pure-alcohol, nail polish remover, and lemonade enemas will be offered to customers in the future – a move which will surely make the monotous process of having an enema a tad more exciting.

One thing is certain, however – at least the tourists who received the hydrogen peroxide (one of the common chemicals used to bleach hair) enemas will have the whitest GI tracts seen in intestinal history.

[Via news.com.au]

2) Taking pre-orders to a new level

British man Andy Lees, 71 years-old, and with only six months to live, paid a funeral company for his service and headstone. What he didn’t expect was that his headstone would be erected before he had passed away.

He became concerned after many of his friends begain calling him to check whether he was dead or not after seeing the headstone in its place at the cemetary. So much was the shock for Mr. Lees, that his legs started to shake and he had to be taken home after visiting the cemetary to view his pre-emptive headstone.

We at TNC think that this is a great idea, however, and should be extended further for all terminally-ill patients. Perhaps a conveyer-belt that extends from the window of the hospital ward to the six-feet-deep hole in the ground at the cemetary, to make the burial process as efficient as possible?

Curiously, the headstone didn’t contain Mr. Lees date of death.

[Via news.com.au]

3) The dangers of eating on the job

Taking a few minutes extra on your lunch break is something we all do, but if you’re a thief, eating while you’re working isn’t such a good idea.

A man in Germany has been caught after the German authorities used a tiny piece of DNA that the man left on a half-eaten piece of salami at the crime scene (a workshop office in the western city of Darmstadt).

We at TNC think that the age-old advice of, “If you’re hungry, have something to eat before you leave the house,” obviously isn’t being taught these days. However, this does have a positive side, as many companies in Germany are now starting to advertise a “Salami Thief Catcher” that you leave around the house to be half-eaten by any crooks that enter your home.

[Via Reuters]

4) New campaign tactics a possible backfire?

A mailer for Dean Hrbacek’s, a congressional candidate’s, campaign has been exposed as nothing more than Hrbacek’s head spliced onto a thinner body. The campaign manager explained that due to Hrbacek’s busy schedule, he didn’t have time to pose for a full-length shot, and so his head was “photoshopped” onto the body.

Of course, this kind of tactic may backfire with voters, but we at TNC think this idea could be extended further. Perhaps a picture of the head of presidential nominees on the body of an octopus to represent that they can handle many tasks at once? Or maybe on the body of a lion, to represent bravery? The possibilities are virtually endless.

[Via CNN]

5) How to smuggle a lion – almost

What would you do if you were living in the Gaza strip, and a section of the wall was destroyed, allowing you to travel through to the other side? Perhaps you’d visit loved ones, or maybe you’d stock up on that particular brand of peanut butter that you like but none of the shops in your country seem to sell. Or maybe you’d buy a lion and a monkey and try to smuggle them back across the border. What?

That’s exactly what a Palestinian man tried to do earlier this week, and almost succeeded. The man claimed he wanted to sell the lion cub and monkey in Gaza, but we at TNC think otherwise. He obviously wanted to breed them together to create a super monkey-lion crossbreed that would take over the world, as you do.

[Via Reuters]

6) They just don’t build them like they used to, or do they?

An iPhone has spent an hour on a busy highway, ending the ordeal after the owner watched a semi-trailer run over it before retrieving the unit. The amazing thing, however, is that the iPhone has lived to tell the tale. Although it has quite alot of scratches on it, the screen and touch-sensitive controls still perform the same as they did before the incident.

This is worrying news for the team here at TNC. If an iPhone can survive that, what happens when it gets imbued with artificial intelligence? Something similiar to the scenario in the film “I, Robot”, we suspect. As precaution, we would recommend destroying all copies of the movie, in case an iPhone accidentally sees it and starts to formulate it’s own plan…

[Via Engadget and Flickr]

7) A close shave ahead for some Mexicans

In a bid to stop irresponsible driving in Northern Mexico, a variety of laws have been enacted, making it illegal to shave, put on lipstick, or carry a pet while driving. (These come in addition to the good ‘ol regulars, such as drinking and driving and talking on a cell phone.)

Of course, this move has caused considerable outrage within the TNC team. We can’t help but wonder – if you weren’t meant to shave or put lipstick on in your car then why does it have mirrors? And if you’re not allowed to have pets on your lap, who’s supposed to drive home when you’re drunk?

[Via Reuters]

8) More than just a good night’s sleep

Woolworths stores in London have withdrawn from sale a line of beds named Lolita that were designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out the link between the name of the bed and a classic novel in which the protagonist becomes sexually involved with his twelve-year-old stepdaughter.

How this was not brought to the attention of anyone at Woolworths’ before the “Lolita Midsleeper Combi” was released has baffled us here at TNC. But we’re quite sure that some other lines of beds, such as the “Awkward Teenage Moments Bunkbed” and the “Pregnancy King Size” will probably be withdrawn from sale as well.

[Via Reuters]

9) Just broke up with your partner? Have some time off work!

A Japanese business firm has offered employees “heartache leave”, so they can “cry themselves out and return to work refreshed” after a break-up. But how old you are also determines the number of days that you can have off. If you’re younger than 24, you only receive one day a year; 25 to 29 and you get two days; over 29 and you get to take three days off. This is because the older you are, the tougher it is to find love, according to the company CEO.

The employees at the company also get two mornings off twice a year as “sales shopping leave.” Here at TNC, we think that Hime & Company, and it’s CEO Miki Hiradate have some great ideas, but would like to see some more ways to take days off from work. “Crying over spilt milk”, “Just feeling a bit depressed”, and “I’m so high on drugs from the party I went to last night that I couldn’t possibly work” days are just a few of the options we brainstormed.

[Via Reuters]

10) A chance to strike back at speed cameras

Sick to death of being caught by speed cameras? Wish there was something you could do about it? Well, now there is. A businessman in Britain is offering motorists an opportunity to not only drive a 17-tonne tank, but to run over and blow up a speed camera in the process. Not surprisingly, customers will have to pay for the experience, but can you really put a price on getting the chance to crush a speed camera?

We at TNC think that you can’t, and that’s why we believe that this entrepreneur should expand his business plans to include a variety of different scenarios. Tired of waiting for cattle or goats to cross the road when you’re driving through the country? Get a tank and drive over them! Hate the traffic jams that you must endure every peak hour? Wish that lollipop lady wouldn’t walk out in front of you just as you come to the crossing? You guessed it, get a tank and roll right over!

[Via news.com.au]