Peyton Manning has broken a record for touchdown passes thrown in a single season, surpassing New England’s Tom Brady. It isn’t fair, nor is it right that he has talent and skills that so many other quarterbacks want. In the name of equality, he should give away his touchdown passes to even the score.

Better yet, he should have them taken from him by an Act of Congress. We’ll call it the Quarterback Touchdown Pass Equality Act. Because, as so aptly stated by that sage of our time, the New York Time’s Bill Keller, “…inequality is manifestly real, growing and dangerous.” Dangerous indeed. Any more touchdown passes by that greedy Manning guy and some poor team isn’t going to make it to the Super Bowl.

The legislation would be easy to write. Even Nancy Pelosi could do it, with a little help from Kathleen Sebelius. Give away one of Manning’s touchdown passes to each to the other starting quarterbacks in the professional football league. The rest would go to the President to retroactively distribute as he sees fit–to any team that has suffered because of a history of inequality, or an inequality of mobility, or a pervasive culture of inequality, or any other kind of inequality. What constitutes inequality shall be determined by the President and decreed by Executive Order.

Sure, Manning will contend that he worked for the record. Yes, he lifted weights during the summer when others were at the beach. Yes, he burned midnight oil studying playbooks when others were chasing tail. He will rightly contend that he achieved his feat under rules applied to all players, and broke none. Doesn’t matter. Inequality is a scourge that must be eradicated in the name of righteousness, justice and all that is holy and good.

Why? Because the President said so, and was dutifully echoed by the scribes at the New York Times. And because our lawmakers have decreed it their sacred duty to correct the inequities in God’s creations. How dare God give some more talent than others. How dare God instill more desire in some people (like Manning) than others who simply don’t want to work as hard as Manning did.

Just think. After the act is fully implemented, and the fruits of Manning are equitably distributed, there will be no losers, no heartache, no disappointment, no sadness, no tears, no failure. Everybody will get a chance to play in the Super Bowl. And everybody will get a little trophy…even if they fumble or miss a tackle or a block because no player should be allowed to come up short. Best of all, no player will ever again be deprived of happiness by the inequitable distribution of touchdown passes. Enjoy the game.

Next up. The New York Times Pulitzer Prize Inequality Eradication Act. Because it’s not fair that the Old Grey Lady has won so many.