Educational Qualifications:

I went to boarding school, i was a day boy. At least I think that is what they were shouting!

I got a double first at Cambridge – First person to get their balls out in choir practice, first person to be hospitalized by a Chaplain.

Personal statement:

I have got tiny balls, balls like marbles. Is that personal enough? i shave them, there is said it!!!

What’s your greatest personal achievement to date:

I have stolen over €17.000 worth of stationary without once getting caught.

What do you consider your greatest weakness?

I demand too much of myself and others… its either that or whores.



How much alcohol do you consume over a 7-day period?

How do you possibly expect me to remember? Last month ASDA did a 2-for-1 on Malibu and i lost a fortnight!!

Have you ever misused any illegal substances?

Yes – i once accidentally snorted heroin thinking it was cocaine.

Are you a racist or have you ever been a member of the BNP?

No, but i am a fast learner and I will do anything to get this job.

Describe yourself in three words:

smart, dynamic, intelligent, attentive



how long is your notice period?

I usually notice stuff almost immediately