watch-head | ’wäCH-hed | (noun): 1. a person who obsesses over wristwatches, esp. to the exclusion of other interests; 2. an avid collector of wristwatches; 3. an horological expert: Bill is a watch-head, so he will likely ask about your watch during dinner. Modern English: from colloquial usage in the English-speaking horological community; see also: Deadhead (devotee of The Grateful Dead).

The Problem

No one is born a watch-head. A conversion process has to have occurred to make you into one. These conversions can be instant or they can take years. If you think you may be a watch-head, then you probably are one, but for those who aren’t entirely sure, this diagnostic tool will help you gain certainty and place you on a graduated scale of watch-headedness below. While various horological institutes have tried and failed to objectively diagnose the condition, this self-diagnostic tool offers valuable insight into your mental and financial health as they pertain to watches.

Official Scale of Watch-Headedness

0 = not a watch-head

5 – 10 = budding watch-head

10 – 20 = watch-head

20 – 25 = avid watch-head

25 – 30 = major watch-head

30 – 40 = certifiable watch-head

40 – 50 = omg

50 – 75 = seek professional help

75 – 100 = you’re incurable

Instructions

Using a piece of Japanese stationary and a fountain pen costing no less than $150, pour a glass of Scotch that’s at least 18-years-old and then begin marking down how many of the following symptoms apply to you. Each is worth one point. When you are done, refer to the scale above to see how far your watch-headedness has advanced. For those who score above 75, you may be too far gone. Good luck.