ASHEBORO, NC—Quietly slinking into his office’s break room after spying the unattended confections from afar, area marketing associate Dan Keegan reportedly approached a box of powdered doughnuts Monday like a pine snake discovering an unguarded clutch of bluebird eggs. According to sources, Keegan’s tongue momentarily darted from his mouth and his gaze remained fixed on his quarry as he maneuvered his way toward the cluster of small white delicacies, silently creeping up to the tabletop as if he were making his way along a tree bough to an awaiting roosting site. The office worker is then said to have wasted no time consuming the sugarcoated treats that—much like eggs in an unattended nest of woven grass—sat there fully exposed and vulnerable in an open pastry box, swallowing all four of them nearly whole one after the other and then slipping back out from where he came before anyone could notice. At press time, a motionless Keegan was reportedly sunning himself by his office window, his stomach still bulging from the bounty.

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