The fallout from an affair is still being felt and it’s not healthy just to wait around anticipating being separated, says Mariella Frostrup. Is it time to move on?

The dilemma I’ve been with my partner for 12 years; I’m 33 and he’s 38. On the surface our relationship seems fine – we spend time together and don’t argue – but I don’t feel emotionally close to him. I think it’s because of him having an affair five years ago – I have had to harden up so that I can cope on my own when he inevitably cheats again. We had counselling and I tried to move on, but I still find myself thinking about it every day. The trust has gone. We’re a good match in outlook on life – neither of us wants marriage or children. But my partner doesn’t share my main interest, which is the outdoors, and this is holding me back from enjoying myself, as I don’t want to go walking on my own or with a group of strangers. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t know what love is meant to feel like after 12 years. I don’t feel we are “soulmates”. Does it mean I don’t love him any more? I’ve not talked to him about any of this as I want to be more certain of my own thoughts and feelings before I open “Pandora’s box”.

Mariella replies The lid is off. Though much of what you describe here are just the side effects of long-term cohabitation, in your case there are additional elements. The fallout from his affair has definitely not receded into the past. It’s not healthy just to be waiting for him to do it again while anticipating the separation so vividly that you’ve emotionally prepared yourself. It’s certainly a lot to do with him and his choice to be unfaithful, but you also have to take some of the blame for where you are five years down the line. If you can’t forgive him, or move on past that unfortunate period, then there really is little point in staying together. A watching and waiting game is unhealthy for all concerned and if you don’t see any chance of your feelings changing, I would seriously consider moving on.

The endurance test you’ve set yourself and the detrimental effect it will have on your relationship just isn’t worth continuing with. If you can’t move on mentally, then you need to do so physically so that you can both continue your lives without remaining bogged down by past betrayal. It’s challenging to forgive and forget but you don’t really have options. Staying together but all the while anticipating separation is a death sentence for a relationship.

You do seem quite set in your ways. If you love the outdoors, why wouldn’t you want to go walking alone?

I wouldn’t worry so much about the overused phrases people bandy about. I’m not even sure what “soulmates” means aside from that exciting sense of connection you experience in the first few months of a relationship when you are regularly amazed that someone could know and care for you quite so well. We live in a big, bad world and sticking together in that environment is no mean feat, but it can also offer salvation. It’s the small things that really start to count, and trust and companionship are definitely high on that list.

That is why your struggle with the latter is worrying. You do seem quite set in your ways if you don’t mind me saying. If you love the outdoors, why wouldn’t you want to go walking alone? As a fellow walker I have to say it’s one of my essential sanity restorers. If you need a companion to get you going who’ll offer dogged devotion and a purpose for striking out across the countryside, perhaps you could get a dog.

You’re even dismissive of walking with a group of strangers, some of whom might indeed become friends. Some of my favourite adventures have been the charity walks I’ve been on with the Children’s Society, 50 total strangers hiking the Inca Trail or the foothills of Nepal, returning home with happy memories, new pals and, even on my last outing, a husband, who I met in Kathmandu!

Sometimes pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations is the best way to reinvent your life. We are often our own worst enemies when it comes to creating excuses for not doing what we know will give us pleasure. Of course there are plenty of couples to be seen wandering the highways and byways, holding hands as they pore over maps and sharing snacks from their his-and-hers knapsacks, but you’ll also see friends, families, siblings, colleagues and many other versions of companionship out on the footpaths. It really doesn’t have to be a coupled-up affair.

I’m not unsympathetic to your predicament – much of what you describe will chime with others in long-term relationships – but there are some bigger issues here that’s it’s hard to ignore. My advice would be to allow yourself a few weeks and a few long walks to think carefully about everything you’ve written here and work out where you can do better and where you are simply stuck. Then sit down and have a conversation with your partner, who may have views of his own on the future of your relationship.

Whether he surprises you with his differing view, or confirms your current feelings are accurate about where the relationship is heading, you’ll at least get to air and share your feelings. No relationship can be expected to survive if you can’t even discuss its future with your other half.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1