This post is also available in: Français

If you would like a vegan club rather than a vegan world, it is suprisingly easy to make sure that people don’t join the club. Here are some ways to address meat-eaters in ways that ensure they do not feel attracted to move in our direction.

1. Present the solution as an all or nothing thing. People have to realize that they are either in or out!

2. If they are flexitarians, tell them that’s like a murderer killing less people. Even if they’re vegetarian, you can tell them that they basically don’t do anything good for animals.

3. If they say they love animals but eat meat, rather than working with that, just call them hypocrites. Instant separation guaranteed!

4. Assume that the way you changed is the way everyone will and should change. After all, we’re all the same, right?

5. Talk to people about the hundreds of animal-derived additives, e-numbers, aromas… that abound in our food and how important it is to avoid them.

6. When they seem to shift in our direction, make sure to tell people in time that their food should also be organic, local, seasonal, fair trade, healthy, sugarfree and palmoil-free.

7. When you think you’ve spotted another vegan, make sure that he or she has the right motivations (i.e. your motivations). Tell them they’re not really vegan if they don’t do it for the animals.

8. Explain that there is no such thing as a 99 percent vegan, and that any exception anyone makes is a violation of animals’ rights.

9. Be sure to cross-examine waiters to the tiniest details, especially when there are many people listening in. This is your chance to alienate many people at once!

10. Last but not least, make sure that non-vegans never use the V-word when not appropriate! It’s our word, and no half-assed vegetarian should ever take it from us!

You see, it’s easy as pie to make sure vegans remain a very exclusive club!