by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

London, EU. The National Health Service has announced its intention to remove all doors from its facilities, citing a growing concern among Parliament that not enough guest citizens have been taking advantage of the Western European isle’s complimentary healthcare services.

“The NHS is a social movement and not just a health care service,” NHS CEO Simon Stevens told senior NPC Daily reporter Neville Percival Croft over a delicious meal of ox kidney pie smothered in lard and topped with jellied eel liver.

“We want mainland visitors to feel welcome to come here and consume our bountiful medical resources — visitors from outside the European Union most of all. Diversity is our strength, and we feel that doors send the entirely wrong message.”

The initial proposal was not without controversy. Even some of Stevens’s fellow Labour members expressed their uncertainty.

“At first we weren’t sure whether to remove all doors or simply the outer ones. But then Diane Abbott reminded everyone that freedom of movement is a human right, and that anyone seeking to restrict human movement is a HUGE racist.”

Naturally the Conservatives had to have their say, with Boris Johnson suggesting the doors simply be left open — an idea that was met with reservations from Labour and the Conservatives alike.

“There was fear that some racist UKIPer like Tommy Robinson (not his real name) or Sargon of Akkad (not his real name either) might come along and shut the doors. Which is why we ultimately settled for removing them entirely.”

Attention was then turned to the practical considerations of such a stupendous undertaking.

“Jess Phillips was concerned that without doors, the new facilities we’re always building to accommodate the diversity imports would be bloody impossible to enter. Jeremy said he’d learned a thing or two about putting holes in the sides of buildings from his time with the Republican Army, but we were looking for an architectural solution with minimal human casualties. We briefly considered adding windows to all the loos and examination rooms and just having everyone sort of shimmy through, only then we were faced with the problem of ensuring accessibility to persyns of differently-abled.”

Stevens spoke of the pandemonium that ensued when Boris Johnson threatened to exit the room before an agreement had been reached.

“They decided to tie his hands together,” Stevens recounted. “Might as well have gagged him. The man’s a hand talker if there ever was one.”

The Prime Minister rendered mute and helpless, insults were shouted, chairs were thrown, and several members of Labour spontaneously broke into yet another Antisemitic song and dance number.

“What we needed was an experienced negotiator. Someone who could bring everyone back to the table to discuss what was to be done. Somebody who wasn’t afraid to speak up. Someone who could offer us a practical solution. So I decided to ring up Theresa May.

“May’s deal was bloody brilliant,” Stevens reflected, “Like everything else about her. She helped us realize that it is in fact the doorframes through which one enters and exits, and that so as long as the doorframes were left intact, migration would be unimpeded. Which meant we could still build everything as normal, and then go on and remove the doors after.”

When asked what would become of all the excess doors — including the ones yet to be added and removed — Stevens declined to answer, indicating that matters of redistribution are best left for Parliament to decide.

“Of course, this entire scheme hinges upon the approval of Angela Merkel. I understand she has some concerns about Northern Ireland. Not enough diversity out there, I’m afraid. But once she hears of Comrade Corbyn’s plan to reunite the four healthcare systems into a single NHS — to be administered from Brussels — there’s no way she could refuse. I hear he’s even planning to throw in free broadband! Jolly good fellow, our Jeremy.”