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Ms. Marvel Don't Need a Man's Touch

What a fucking bitch. Wait, what's that about mustaches?

Madlibs. In one issue, he gets stiffed on a heroing invoice by Dr. Doom and lets out a string of expletives so confusing to me that I had to call in outside assistance. As I often do in African-American matters, I asked my black girlfriend for help. Was Power Man speaking a forgotten dialect of her people's tongue? Or was it meaningless gibberish from a mental breakdown that transcended racial differences? This is a word-for-word transcript of our meeting."Sweetie, could you read a page of this Luke Cage comic? I want to verify that he's talking nonsense, or jive.""What's Luke Cage's power?""He's just tough. He lifts like 40 tons and is kind of bulletproof.""Just tough? They can't give a nigga' a freeze ray?" She never answered my question. I think she may have been covering; embarrassed that she didn't know what the fuck he was talking about either. I didn't press the issue because I immediately knew I was going to quote her, and was trying to figure out a polite way to ask her where the apostrophe goes in the n-word.If you're wondering, someone did save Human Torch by superheating a hot dog cart below him until it exploded. I'm serious, look it up. Ms. Marvel never really had much of an excuse for this behavior. Her saga of psychological problems started with daddy issues so mild that most girls wouldn't have even grown up to be a stripper, much less this disaster. One rapeless capture into her superhero career, and she develops a crushing fear of touching men. But when she flew into space with the Thing and got hit by cosmic rays, oh wow, she became a rock monster and her ugliest got her to flip out in completely new directions. The second she looked down at her igneous cleavage, she made a snap decision to commit suicide. There was only one problem: she was too stupid to figure out a way to kill herself. Let's look at the facts: One of her teammates figured out how to counter a 100 story fall with an exploding hot dog cart, and this bitch can't kill herself with a whole jungle? You can't fail harder than that without actually being Phil Collins.