Because men can generally put away more food and alcohol, “men spend more, women spend less,” said Steve Dublanica, author of the recent best seller “Waiter Rant.” In addition, he said: “Men eat and leave. Women eat and stick around.” So a server attending to women may have to wait longer “to turn the table over, get another group, get more tips.”

“On a Saturday night,” he continued, “you get these two ladies who walk in and say, ‘We haven’t seen each other in ages, we’re going to talk and talk and talk,’ and they’ll sit for four hours. Women are more verbal than men. That’s a scientific fact. And I’m like, ‘Ladies, I have reservations for these tables. You’ve got to go.’ ”

As a consequence, Mr. Dublanica explained, “Waiters are guilty of treating female diners as second-class citizens.”

Ms. Bodie countered that top-notch servers consider it a challenge to do the best for  and thus coax the most from  any table they’re given, and don’t see any advantage in showering less enthusiasm on a group of women.

Although many restaurants continue to make distinctions between the sexes, most at least intend to be more sensitive to anything that smacks of gender discrimination than in the past. And many servers, particularly in restaurants popular with young diners, are less influenced by gender than ever.

“I’m seeing a lot more equity at the table,” said Marci DeLozier, 31, who has worked at Per Se and Café Gray and is now an event coordinator for the restaurant Frankies 457 Spuntino in Brooklyn.

She was speaking primarily as a diner. Five years ago, she said, she often had to fight to get servers to let her be the point person for a group of men and women dining together. Servers had a stubborn tropism toward the men.

But lately, she said, that hasn’t been as true, especially downtown, where she has noticed that if she makes the first eye contact with a server and seems the most inquisitive and purposeful, the server notices, and responds to it. “Body language is recognized in a way it wasn’t before,” Ms. DeLozier said. “I think it’s possible for a woman to take the lead now.”