This week on Horrible Films for Horrible People, I decided to give Josh Stolberg’s film Crawlspace a shot. Of all of the films I’ve seen with the title Crawlspace; 1986, 2012 and this one from 2013, this is the worst. I didn’t read the synopsis or watch the trailer for this film so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I know, I know but this way I don’t talk myself out of watching it! I typically hate myself after the fact, though.

Moving on, I’ll just tell you what this film is about in a nutshell; Aldon Webber, a man that always has sweaty armpits, decides to hide in the attic of his former home and terrorizes the new family that moves in. Parents Tim and Susan Gates are super excited about their new house. But their oldest daughter Kayla who just got back from college, their greasy, horny teenage son Shane and their youngest son Taylor don’t really see what the big deal is. As a viewer, it is crystal clear that there is a fuzzy man still living in their hime, how the current residents don’t know is beyond me!

Aldon has some dark back story due to his daughter drowning in the swimming pool (This plot point should sound strangely familiar to anyone who has seen House 1986) and then loses his home to a foreclosure sending him into a psychotic frenzy. Throughout the film Aldon spends the majority of his time annoying the family with his ridiculous shenanigans. At first, it isn’t so bad because he’s simply taking out the trash or opening the garage door. But soon it starts to get out of hand because Aldon gets too comfortable. He being doing things like drinking their milk straight out of the carton. I’m huge fan of milk and I’d be understandably pissed if someone were to drink my milk especially straight from the carton. Aldon also sets the TV to power on at high volume at 3 AM, brushes his teeth with Kayla’s toothbrush, watches people through the vent spaces with his bulging eyeballs, watches Shane have monkey sex with the baby-sitter, murders the crazy old woman next-door…and the list goes on! Why is he doing this to the family? Because he has nothing better to do! There was some reason given but honestly, I just think the writer threw him in the film because they needed an antagonist.

Although this picture has a made-for-TV feel to it, I was occasionally entertained. However, the film ultimately irritated me. The acting isn’t as bad as I expected, which was disappointing because I was really looking forward to laughing at the poor performances. But the film as whole is annoying because you have a man living in the attic but no one over 18 suspects a thing. The youngest child Taylor sees Aldon and like a little loser, thought he was Santa Claus. You know what’s disturbing? Aldon wasn’t over weight nor did he have a long beard and the film isn’t even set at Christmastime. So, how this little creep thought a bum in the attic was Santa Claus is beyond me.

Anyway, Aldon is in the habit of making a ruckus up in that attic but no one seems to care. No one. Plus it’s a new house, why not explore every part of it…like the attic? Aldon was so comfortable in that house that he would walk around in broad daylight. He would even take pictures with his head close to Kayla when she was sleeping. Why? Because he is creepy. Other than that, we are given no rational explanation.

I guess in this film, Aldon is supposed to be a whack job who is off his hinges and now he’s on a murderous path of revenge. He does commit murder and some of the murders are creative. However, they are ultimately forgettable. Plus by the time he actually starts murdering people I just wanted my life back and by my life back I mean I wanted this film to end. This picture is not scary at all, it is just annoying and the characters are even worse because they are all dumb. Every last one of them!

There are so many plot holes throughout the course of this film but one that made me question my life on this planet was when the alarm was going off in the middle of the night and the family discovered that the front door was wide open. Seems pretty frightening, right? Most people would call the police and have them check the house or even sleep somewhere else for the night just to be safe. But the Gates family decides to call the alarm company to shut off the alarm off so they can lock their doors and go back to sleep. Huh?! No one and I mean no one expressed any kind of concern as to what was really going on. It’s like all the strange and ridiculous things that were happening were simply swept under the rug. There was even one point where Kayla spots someone spying on her through the vent but somehow it’s just shrugged off and ignored. I was literally screaming at my TV because I could not, for the life of me, understand why no one checked the f**king attic!

Overall, this film was bland and lacked any real tension. Aldon, the secret, mysterious, attic man who attacks people and drinking their milk was boring. I will keep it simple and simply say to skip this disaster. You will thank me and so will your doctor. You will thank me for the frustration I have saved you and your physician will thank me for helping keep you blood pressure in check. Mine was through the roof by the time I finished watching this travesty!

WICKED RATING: 2/10

Title: Crawlspace

Director: Josh Stolberg

Writer(s): Josh Stolberg, Nick Taravella

Stars: Raleigh Holmes, Sterling Beaumon

Year: 2013

Studio/ Production Co: Vuguru

Language: English

Length: 90 Minutes

Sub-Genre: Horror, Thriller