Magic Story Abridged: Home

(Episode 4, Original Story HERE)





Art by Chase Stone

BALA GED,

ZENDIKAR

The Soul of Zendikar, a glowing green beastie that only Nissa can see: Nissa…

Nissa Revane, the prettiest elf that ever elfed: Zzzzzzz….

Zendikar: Nissssaaaaaa….

Nissa: Zzzzzzz….

Zendikar: DARKNESS AND DEATH ARE COMING FOR ALL!

Nissa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Zendikar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Nissa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Zendikar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Numa, Chief of the Joraga: SHUT UP AND LEAVE FOREVER!

(Nissa shuts up and leaves forever)

Nissa: Well, I guess I live in the wilderness now. I’m an elf. This can work.

Zendikar: Be one with the planet!

Nissa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Zendikar: AAAAAAA- why are we screaming?

Nissa: Aren’t you here to kill me?

Zendikar: What? No! You’re my new best friend! We’re going on an adventure!

Nissa: What about the darkness and death?

Zendikar: Yeah, that stuff! Come on, I’ll show you!





Art by Chris Rahn



Mazik, Nissa’s best friend: Nissa, I heard you yelling and I am here to help!

Nissa: That’s wonderful! What are you going to do?

Mazik: Nothing at all. Literally nothing.

Nissa: Great, let’s go!

(Zendikar, Nissa, and Mazik go on an adventure that involves a lot of walking across the world. Zendikar teaches Nissa all about the trees and animals and nature. Mazik does nothing important. Eventually, they encounter a swamp.)

Nissa: Ew, a swamp.

Zendikar: Don’t be mean. Like Forests, Mountains, Islands, and Plains, Swamps are a very important part of the ecosystem. All lands are beautiful, especially when they’re full art.

Nissa: What about creatures?

Zendikar: Of course! All animals and plants are interconnected!

Nissa: Even vampires?

Zendikar: No. F*** vampires.

(Zendikar, channeled through Nissa, unceremoniously murders five vampires. The party continues onward.)

Zendikar: EVIL CONSUMES US!

(Earthquakes begin. Gravity stops working right. Rocks fly around.)





Art by Sam Burley



Nissa: Calm down!

Zendikar: ANNIHILATION IS THE ONLY FUTURE!

(The ground rolls like a tidal wave. Sharp stones are tossed in random directions.)

Nissa: Uhh… Ummm…

Hush little Zendikar, don’t say a word,

Mama’s gonna buy you a Stirring Wildwood.

And if that Wildwood won’t animate,

Mama’s gonna buy you a Goblin War Paint.

And if that paint makes you too fast,

Mama’s gonna buy you a Dragonmaster Outcast.

And if that Outcast won’t call a dragon,

Mama’s gonna buy you a Vastwood Zendikon…

(The ground resumes being ground, Zendikar calms down)

Zendikar: Sorry… I’m okay now. The evil’s right up ahead in that mountain.

Nissa: Well, I’m going to go give that evil a piece of my mind!

(Nissa marches up the mountain, pours her magical energy into the land, and goes to see exactly what’s inside.)

The What’s Inside:







Ĕ͙̭̜̊ͮxͤͫ̾͑҉̰̥̬͈̖̣͓̮c̍̍҉͏̘̞̙͈̺ͅuͬ͏͍̱͚̖̹̕ͅs̵̢͖̜͇̀̎̈̂̈́e̷̺̹͚̖̘̼̹̙̝̓̊̔ͬ̚ ̨̰̘̼̈́ͫ̈͊̈́͟m̧̛͍̠̝̮ͮ̏͂̌ͣe̬̯ͬ̏͟,̵͈̗̖̗̹ͨ́ͦͩ̑̈́ ̶̖͈͓̲̱͚̣̆͒̓͑ͅm̸̰̞̝̽͛͛̚͞i͉̪̩̮̋ͩ͐s̖̤͛ͧ͞͝s̪͕͚ͨ̆͋͒͘.͚͉̰̩͎̝̟̬ͣ̆ͦ̍̉̀̔͞ ̹̻̤ͩ̈̓ͬ͌̽̎D͗̚͏̼̞̤̫͇ȏ̶̧̬̗̬͍̞̻̈ͥ ̢͉̲͕̜̹ͮͤ͐͆̌̒y͓̥͓̜͎͋͆̈ͧ̈ͣͫ̉ǫ̨͖̹̞̫̥́͂̇ͯu̯͚̥̣͉̺̮̦͉ͧ̐ͮͩͥ̿ͤ͞ ̤̜ͫ͊ͪ̌ͥ̿̉̍h̡͈̩̥̝̰͇̞ͥ͂̊̓́̋͗̀ą͇̜̹̮͈͐̉ͫ̆̒̋̏̈v̴̢̨̹̠͚̹̤ͭ̌̊̊́ͤ̾e̞̳͙ͦͥ̓ͫͧͤ̕ ̸̢͔̮͛̋̈̎̅̚a̷̰̬͇̣͍̩̍̾͢ ̼̱͎͙̄̂ͣ̅ͤ́̚͡͝m̡͎̣̗̣͙͈̗̋͑͝͞ǫ͉͍̞̥̐̌̃͆ͦͪ́m̴̮̟̘̯͇̯͇̙̬͂͐̐̋ͣͩͣ͆̓͝ẽ͙̳̔̋ͫͬͤ̅̌͟n͚̖ͤ̐ͦ͜tͧ̌̋͏̵̴͖̳̣ ̘̜͚̣̫͓́͆́t̝̥̺̹̩͈͈͆̍̽̑̀õ̼̼̮͇̲̼̠̳̾͂ͪ̒ͩ̎ ͙̫̗͌ͬ̄ͫͩ̅̈́ͦ͗͘͜t̃ͫ̎̊̇̋̍̾҉͖̙͓̝̮̪̖̦́ȧ̖͉̖̟̝̤̟͓̥́́l̶̹̱̟̺͙̙ͯ͌̌͑̇ͣ̔̍̿͢k̵͎͇̓̋ͥ̊̄̔ͤͅ ̀̾ͨͣ̀̎̑̿ͧ͠͏̜̞͇͉a̯̳͉͖̮̋̂̕͠b͎̲̭͉̘͓͖ͣ͛ͨ͆̅͝oͩ̔ͭ̈̅ͪ͏̢̧̼̙̗͙̠̤͈ͅű̱̦̤͆ͫ͡t̟̳̠̜͖͆ͯͨͣ̓̍̀͢ ̣̾̅̓t͐̉҉̴͙̱̻̞̖̘͕͕͡h͙̰̹̥̺̥̫̬̟ͣ̃̈ͦ̋e̶͉̊͋͋̍͋̈́ͦ͡ͅ ̩̑̎̉̐̔̈͊́̚E͔̗̻̹̮̎̍̃͂l̷͈̜̩̩͕ͪ̐ͥ͊͢d̤͍̭̺͓̩̈ͦ̃̾̂̋͟͡r͙̝̀̆͐́̕ͅa̢͙̬̭̻̬̱͒̇̿ͨͧ͠ž̹͍̻̱̮̉̽̀̾ͧi̱̝͇ͨ́͞?̖̭͚ͦͩ͂͐ͣͦ͟





Nissa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA





Art by Izzy



LORWYN

Nissa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The Soul of Lorwyn, a glowing blue amorphous blob that only Nissa can see: I’d rather you didn’t shout. Not that it matters.

Nissa: Oh, sorry. I’m new here.

Lorwyn: Well… don’t stay long. The spiders are coming to ruin everything. As usual.

Nissa: Spiders? What spiders?

Lowyn: The ones that mess up my world. Regularly. And then I have to fix it. All by myself. Not that anybody cares.

(Strange elves appear, with horns and hooves, but otherwise elvish enough.)





Art by Lius Lasahido



Dwynen, the leader of the elves: You! You don’t have horns. And your feet are oddly shaped. Explain.

Nissa: I’m… foreign?

Dwynen: That is entirely reasonable. Now join us in hunting monsters.

Nissa: Monsters? Oh! The ones coming to destroy the world! Let’s do this!

Galed: Hi, I’m Galed. I’ll be your hunting partner for today. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and (sniff) you smell absolutely wonderful.

Nissa: Uhhh… thanks?

Galed: No time for that! There’s a monster!

(Galed straight up murders some goblin wandering around)





Art by Igor Kieryluk



Nissa: That’s not a monster! That’s a goblin! Goblins are an important part of the ecosystem!

Lorwyn: Aww… I liked that goblin. Not that it matters. The spiders were going to get him anyway.

Galed: Of course it’s a monster! You’re crazy!

Nissa: No, THAT’S the monster.

The Soul of Shadowmoor, a glowing red spider swarm that surprisingly everyone can see: Nice place you’ve got here. Mind if I make it TOTALLY BADASS?

(Everyone panics and runs in various directions. Shadowmoor transforms whatever it touches into grimdark versions of themselves)





Art by Sam Burley



Nissa: Stay back! Stay away from me!

Shadowmoor: I can give you the power to defeat the Eldrazi!

Nissa: I’ll figure it out alone!

Shadowmoor: Join me, pretty elf! Stay with me, and I will make you X-TREME!

Nissa: I’m sorry, I’m already in a committed relationship with another world!

Shadowmoor: You’re just saying that to not hurt my feelings!

Nissa: There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

(Nissa planeswalks back to Zendikar.)

Shadowmoor: …I’ll never get my own Planeswalker at this rate.

















MANY YEARS LATER





Art by Michael Komarck



Sorin Markov, the vampire knight on the cover of your mom’s paperbacks: Now, just hold that magical rock perfectly still while I repair the spell trapping the Eldrazi on Zendikar.

Nissa: Because if we don’t do that…

Sorin: They’ll be free to attack other planes.

Nissa: Question. You’re a vampire so evil that even the other vampires consider you a monster, you’ve eaten a full playset of Goblin Guides since we started this journey, and the Eldrazi presence is causing this entire planet physical pain.

Sorin: That’s not a question.

Nissa: F*** vampires.

(Nissa smashes the magical rock, the mountain breaks open, and the Eldrazi escape. They immediately start destroying Zendikar. Way to go, Nissa. Way to go.)



