Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Presents Jack Chick's "Dark Dungeons"!

Intro. The Love Theme to Mystery Science Theatre. Doors close and Mike walks on to the Deck of The Satellite of Love. Gypsy, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot a there surrounded by papers, books and dice. They are all wearing black capes and continue to ignore Mike.

Mike: Hi I am Mike Nelson and welcome to the Satellite of Love. These are my robots Gypsy, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.

They still ignore him.

Mike: Hey guys. What are you doing?

Tom: Oh we are playing a fascinating game called Vampire: The MasquradeTM. We pretend to vampires and we are given situations and have to act out how our vampire would solve them. I am Lord Byron de Lestatula, I am a fourth generation kindred of the Clan Venture. My sire was Kimbos the Old and I have the powers of Animal Empathy and Major Butt Whuppin'. Mike: Wow! That is impressive. How about you Crow?

Crow: My name is Jerry.

Mike: (Confused) Just Jerry?

Crow: Yup. That's me. Jerry the Vampire.

Mike: So. How did you become a vampire...Jerry?

Crow: Well I just woke up one day and said, "I'm a Vampire".

Mike: Ok...

Tom: Right now Lord Byron de Lestatula and Jerry are investigating a lost castle that may have a scrap of paper once held by an Ante-Deluvian!!

Mike: Oh! So it is a little like D&D!

Both Tom and Crow turn and glare at Mike. Well the best Servo can glare anyway....

Tom: Yeah. Right.

Crow: What do we look like to you? A bunch of snot-nosed little geeks? Sheesh!

Mike: Ah...well....I... (the Mads light is flashing). Oh look it is Bilbo and the dwarves calling.

Bobo: Hello Nelson. The Lawgiver is not here right now. She is punishing the Brain-guy. Mike: What did he do? Bobo: He accidentally returned this week's experiment to Blockbuster instead of "Buns of Steel V". Ho-ho, it cost the Lawgiver a pretty penny in late fees too! Crow: You mean there is no movie this week! SOL Crew: Yeah!!!

(Pearl walks in. She is wearing a head to toe black PVC dominatrix catsuit. She has the Observer connected to a chain around his neck. She pushes Bobo down)

Bobo: Ahh!

Pearl: Not so fast Nelson the Barbarian. I may not have a movie for you thanks to weasel boy here. (she pulls the chain and the Observer falls away from the camera's view) But don't think I can't hurt you. I do have a piece of early 80's dribble from extreme paranoid Jack T. Chick. Think impressionable young minds. Think global satanic conspiracy. Think of the pain as I give you...

Dark Dungeons!

(movie sign light and sirens go off)

Mike: We've got Movie sign!

(everyone files into the theatre as the following appears on the screen)

Tom: Wouldn't that be "Tract Sign" instead Mike?

Crow: Track Lighting?





Mike: Dark Dungeons... and 18th century New England curtains on the next "Martha Stewart".

Tom: Federal Communications by F.T.C.

Crow: Music by X.T.C.

Mike: Everything else by E.T.C.





Crow: Such original names.

Mike: I didn't realize that this was a formal game.

Tom: Hey. This isn't a D&D game. Where are all of the cases of Mt. Dew?

Crow: And the Doritos?

Mike: Plus the women out number the men.

Crow: Well it is a "Chick Tract". hehehe.





Tom: Oh my God. They killed Black Leaf!

Crow: You bastards!

Mike: No dice rolling and she is dead? This is my kind of DM!

Tom: (girls voice) Please leave your character sheet at the door when you leave. Thank you.





Crow: Wait I thought she was a wizard?

Mike: No she is a cleric named "Wizard".

Tract: ...you have the personality for it now.

Tom: What kind of personality is that?

Mike: One that is easy to manipulate and fool.

Crow: Oh. Baptists.





Tom: Man these Shriner's conventions get stranger all the time.

Crow: Hey! she'll be the 14th member of the coven. Old Jack must be slipping.

Mike: You know it so hard to tell from these robes. Are they supposed to be 1st Edition or 2nd Edition?





Mike: Like the fantasy of a worldwide satanic conspiracy?

Tom: I haven't seen any dark dungeons yet.

Mike: It is a metaphor for the dark twisting paths in our mind.

Crow: Sort of like Jack's logic.





Crow: Whoa! I think the DM made a stinky.

Tom: Debbie. Elfstar. Sheesh which is it?

Crow: Which witch is which! Ha..ha..ha..hum.

Mike: You know this reminds me so much of High School.

Tom: What, two women conspiring and manipulating the men in their lives?

Mike: No. The Members Only jacket.





Crow: Well hello Dungeon Master!

Tom: Because as we all know lead figures and four-sided dice lead a path straight to hell!

Mike: Only 200 bucks. Let's see that will get you a couple of books, a lead figure and a old marblized 8-sided.





Mike: Crimony, does this girl have a home?

Crow: (Girl's voice) I can't mom, I am trying to role-play all by myself.

Tract: ...I'm fighting the Zombie...

Mike: Because it is the only one.

Tom: Dibs on the zombie.





Crow: June Cleaver in a role that will shock you!

Tom: (as mom) she is just up stairs hanging around.

Mike: Yeah you can help her roll up a new character.





Crow: Oh my God. They killed--

Mike: Ok, once was enough.

Tom: No Marcie, don't change the light bulb with your mouth!

Crow: Looks like she's to late to save a hanging witch!

Mike: I believe that "Nooooo" is a Chick trademark. I remember his clever use of it in "Holy Joe"!

Tract: You didn't have to do that!

Tom: But she did it anyway and what are you going to do about it!





Crow: If she is so alone, who did she leave the note for?

Tom: I am just glad they are not playing Call of Cthulhu! Imagine the body count then!

Crow: You know I once had a Call of Cthulhu character that lasted three days!

Tom: No, you lie!

Crow: Yes it's true! O.K. Gypsy was the Keeper, and I hid some of the dice. But it was three days!





Mike: If only her dumb thief had made her saving throw!

Tract: Get your priorities straight, Debbie...

Crow: Yes. For example you have not changed your clothes in days!





Tract: It would have happened sooner or later...

Mike: Yeah with her jumping on the bed all day and that noose just hangin there.

Tract: But the law of our faith...

Crow: That one must be in the Unearthed Arcana or one of those Skills and Powers books.

Mike: Damn rule lawyers.





Tract: Don't be stupid, Debbie...

Mike: Slim chance of that.

Tract: I want to be Debbie..

Crow: I wanna be a dancer, a singer, a poet...!





Mike: Oh Debbie you silly little witch.

Crow: Hey, his name is Mike too!

Tom: Run Debbie! For God's sake run!

Mike: H- Hey!

Tract: I have been praying and fasting for you...

Tom: As opposed to praying and fasting to solve *real* problems.

Crow: Like hunger!

Tract: Why would you do that for me?

Mike: Well I was hoping that I could get your attention and you could maybe go out with me.

Crow: Ah inter-religious love.

Tom: Boy it's going to be a strange Easter/Belatane there. He brings home an Easter bunny and she cuts it up.

Mike: You know witches don't really sacrifice animals.

Crow: I can think of a couple I like to see on a bloody altar about now.





Tract: Because I know what your involved in....

Crow: A harmless little fantasy game?

Tract: It's a spiritual warfare...

Tom: (in an annoying announcer voice) This Sunday-Sunday it's WAR! Only on Pay-per-view!

Mike: Now this is where we get to hear his lame pick up line.

Tract: Come with me to a meeting...

All: Yeah.

Crow: Is that what the kids are calling it this days?

Tract: ...and he knows what you're up against.

Mike: Yeah he used to be an awkward teenage girl too.





Tract: ...But you have been trapped in a dungeon of bondage.

Tom: This weekend on the Spice channel.

Crow: Hey, maybe this is getting better!

Mike: Tom Skerritt in role he would like to forget.

Tom: Hi. Welcome to Witches Anonymous. I'm Tom...

All: Hi Tom.

Tom: And I'm a witch.





Mike: Oh look it is the Wise Old Man © from all the Chick Tracts to laboriously quote the bible and tell us what is what.

Tom: Sort of like a religious Fat Albert?

Mike: Only white.

Crow: And skinny.

Mike: Yeah, and no where near as cool.

Crow: Of course it has to be a man.

Tom: Yeah did you notice that all of the evil ones were women and the only "good" ones were men?

Mike: Old Jack is having a hard time coming into the 20th century.

Tract: Don't throw them away. Burn them!....

Tom: Burn the books! Burn the books!

Mike: (in a dumb hic voice) Yeah we Christians don't want no books. Them learnin's is hard.

Tom: Hey Mike, can you find the Bible in occult bookstore too?

Crow: And the fake Necronomicon at Waldenbooks?

Tom: (in a fake-preacher voice) And they have bibles in motels and we all know what goes on there!

Mike: Just ask Jessica Hahn.





Mike: If you are here just for the free punch and cookies, then form a line to the back.

Crow: Oh look she changed her clothes.

Mike: More metaphor Crow.

Tom: Old Jack is a subtle little devil isn't he.





All: Hallelujah!

Tom: Can I get an Amen!

Crow: You know this is the type of attitude that is going to get her married to an abusive trucker named Earl right out of High School.

Tom: You know Mike, I read Acts 19:13-17 and I still don't know what it means or how it relates to this.

Mike: I know, I thought this was about D&D, then witches, now Jack is talking about evil spirits, Greeks and Jews.

Crow: Ladies and Gentelmen, more Jack Chick logic.





Crow: Woo. This is going to be the best Homecoming bonfire ever!

Mike: Burn the satanic checker board!

Tom: I thought only witches dance around fires?

Mike: It depends on what you are burning.

Crow: If you are a witch then you burn wood from a sacred grove each Belatane.

Mike: If you are a paranoid Christian then you burn witches.

Tom: (in a bad British accent) And what do we burn besides witches? More witches!





Tom: Wow the Bible mentions D&D!

Mike: Yup I am a sinner.

Crow: (in a bad British accent, ala the "Holy Grail" ) King? I didn't vote for you.





Mike: Stay tuned for Dark Dungeons 2: The Wrath of Ms. Frost!

Tom: For more insane ramblings like the true nature of Halloween and the big, bad old Pope write to Jack T. Chick at chick.com.

Mike, Crow and Servo leave the Theatre, doors close.

6 ... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Tom: Mike I am confused.

Mike: Sure Tom. The twisted logic of Chick tracts do that. What can I help you with?

Tom: Well it starts out in brightly light room with some kids playing a good natured game, then we switch to a portrayal of witches rarely seen outside of Hollywood, and we end with Tom Skerritt burning books. So my question is. What was I supposed to learn?

Crow comes in wearing a black cape and a black pointed witches hat.

Crow: Well I don't know about you, but Chick taught me witches rock. We get to fight zombies, wear cool black clothes, cast real spells and hang out with Ms. Frost!

Mike: Witches aren't really like that at all, neither are D&D players.

Tom: So we should be Christians then and burn stuff!

Mike No, Christians aren't really like that either. Just a weird fringe.

Crow: (knocking off his witch hat) Well now I am confused. What are we supposed to believe in?

Mike: Well most people believe in worshipping the person that gave them life, be it God or Goddess.

Tom: But Mike, you give us life. Well you and the power grid on deck 11.

Mike: Oh well then, worship me. Oh look, it's Jason and the Argonauts.

Pearl: (Still in the PVC suit, this time both Bobo and the Observer are chained up) Personally I'd be happy if you all worshipped me. Well Nelson, you managed to get out of another experiment. But when I finish with these two I'll dig around here for something else. I am sure I have a Watchtower here somewhere!

Click off. Ending Credits.

"...Don't be Stupid Debbie!"

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