The following story is 100% true.

I’m aware that if my son goes to therapy at any point in his life, this story will come up. Well, not the story itself, but the fact that I am sharing this publicly. I can live with that.

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Everyday when we pick Bean and Bug up from daycare, we have a routine. It starts in Bug’s classroom.

Quick hug – yay! Gather art projects to take home Grab bag of carrots from the mini-fridge Bug goes potty Go to Bean’s class and start from Step 1.

Like clockwork.

Step 4 is the most critical, because if something goes wrong, Daddy has to clean the car seat. And Daddy does not like cleaning the car seat.

Over the past, say, two months, as Bug has put the finishing touches on potty training, Step 4 becomes more contextual. When was the last time he went potty? Does he think he can wait until we get home?

So that brings us to today.

Here’s the transcript.

Bug: DADDY!!!! [See Step 1]

Me: Hi! How was your day?

Bug: Good! I have pictures! [Points to cubby; See Step 2]

Me: They are amazing! I’ll hold them. Go get your carrots!

Bug: [Goes to get carrots; See Step 3]

Me: OK, let’s go potty.

Bug: I don’t have to go potty…

Me: Can you try?

Bug: No…I don’t have to go potty!

Me: Can you please try?

Bug: NO!

Teacher: He just went potty 15 minutes ago.

Me: OK. Can you make it until we get home?

Bug: YES!

Me: Alright. Let’s go get Hava! [See Step 5]

[30 seconds later, we are down the hall in Hava’s classroom]

Beanie: Daddy!!! [See Step 1]

Bug: I have to go potty!

Me: Are you kidding me? OK, Beanie, hurry up – we have to go back to Bug’s room.

Bug: I HAVE TO GO POTTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Let’s go! Everyone! Let’s go!

[5 seconds later, we are back in Bug’s classroom]

Bug: DADDY! I’M POOPING IN MY PANTS RIGHT NOW!

Me: [to myself] F—! S—! F—! S—!

Bug: I’M POOPING IN MY PANTS! IT’S COMING!!!

Me: Sit on the potty!

Bug: NO! I’M POOPING IN MY PANTS!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET ON THE POTTY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bug: NO! I’M POOPING IN MY PANTS RIGHT NOW!

[I pull his pants down. There is no poop. I repeat. No. Poop.]

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Moral of the story: Don’t believe three-year-olds who claim to be pooping their pants. Unless they are pooping their pants. Then you believe them.

Makes total sense.