My List of Demands

1. Radiant floor heating.

2. Someone to draw me a cartoon of a cat reading a book called Weird Places You Could Sleep with a really serious expression.

3. The dark-blue chenille sweater I owned in seventh grade.

4. A four-hour combined director’s cut of American Hustle and Silver Linings Playbook that is only dancing and zero making me feel bad for Jeremy Renner.

5. The person who wrote this fanfic is to come back and finish it after writing another 178,992 words.

6. We wake up and discover we either have no pubes or we all have tons of pubes and we never discuss it or write about it and just move forward with our lives.

7. Many meat pies.

8. For all sausages to be the correct kind of sausages: the pig part of a pig-in-a-blanket.

9. The ability to sleep while sitting up on a plane.

10. The ability to sleep on my back.

11. Prettier feet.

12. Everyone is completely sedated in order to take any flight longer than one hour, like in “The Jaunt.”

13. The ability to smoke one cigarette every day without becoming addicted or suffering any adverse health consequences.

14. For Key and Peele to host the Oscars.

15. A spigot that produces ice-cold un-caffeinated Coke Zero with two lime wedges at three in the morning when you wake up thirsty, but that would not require you to then brush your teeth.

16. The immediate perfection of speech-to-text technology.

17. For my mind palace to incorporate all the things other people already know about using WordPress more effectively.

18. I can see Magic Eye puzzles for the first time.

19. To look good in blazers.

20. For my bedroom to be sixty-three degrees twelve months of the year, which is the ideal two-quilt temperature.

21. A reality show about the relationship between Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti.

22. For the relationship between Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti to be confirmed or to simply become canon.

23. The ability to draw freehand circles.

24. Everyone loves me and finds me charming instead of deeply annoying and cloying.

25. To be able to cancel any and all things online without needing to speak to a representative.

26. The immediate passage of legislation to force sock manufacturers to create only one style and colour of socks which we will all wear.

27. The immediate passage of legislation to force remote control manufacturers into standardizing the manner in which your television and the televisions of everyone you know are to be operated.

28. Permanent removal of the six black hairs on my chin.

29. The oil painting of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy that appears in the 1995 BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.

30. My parents are the first humans to never suffer the ravages of old age and death.

31. For Zumba classes to offer remedial catch-up tutoring for people of Irish descent.

32. The renewal of The Thick Of It.

33. Written apologies from everyone who was a bitch to me in seventh grade.

34. Benedict Cumberbatch reads The Guardian to me cover-to-cover every morning, and the funnier parts of The Daily Telegraph.

35. Google Glass, but they look exactly like normal Ray-Bans and no one else gets one.

36. A reboot of The Duchess of Duke Street which is way better than Downton Abbey and those of us who watched the original are heralded as geniuses.

37. Parseltongue, but for huskies and German Shepherds.

38. For Sean Bean to come back to Game of Thrones. You figure it out.

39. Bathrobes that are both warm AND flattering.

40. We all wear hoopskirts for a week.

41. The perfection of dry shampoo technology.

42. The sequel to Pitch Perfect to be in no way disappointing.

43. Cheekbones.

44. A better interface for Google Hangouts.

45. Never to have a period again.

46. I solve the Zodiac murders without having to talk to anyone on the phone.

47. All the things I’ve been meaning to get framed someday, framed.

48. The Toast never experiences a significant backlash and is universally believed to be the best website ever made.

49. A quilting circle composed of wise women who will teach me how to quilt and also about life.

50. A library with a ladder.

51. To have the same number of Twitter followers as Mallory.

52. All software updates and subsequent computer restarts to be completed seamlessly while I sleep.

53. A single dose of pure MDMA while Daniel Craig goes down on me with the complete and enthusiastic consent of my partner.

54. Afterwards, to never feel any particular urge to try MDMA again.

55. The American League gets rid of the designated hitter.

56. More prominent deltoid muscle.

57. Immortality for Joni Mitchell.

58. To become a prominent and well-respected cryptozoologist.

59. To become a prominent and well-respected profiler of serial killers.

60. I get to pick all the TV pilots.

61. Mary Roach is to write a book about me.

62. The ability to defecate in the place of my choosing once a day and at no other time.

63. I learn how to make my own GIFs.

64. Cobie Smulders and I bust Tilikum out of SeaWorld together and then we become workout buddies.

65. Manhattan

66. Berlin