WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book, Fear. “I was sweating bullets for a minute there when the president called me into his office for referring to him as ‘unhinged’ and ‘an idiot,’ but luckily when I told him Woodward invented the whole thing, that dumbass fell for it hook, line, and sinker,” said the retired Marine Corps general, explaining how easily he convinced Trump that the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist was lying by just saying “fake news” a couple times and assuring the president that he was an incredible leader. “I thought I might run into some trouble because this is the same excuse I used in April when NBC quoted me calling him an idiot, but nope, he lapped it all up again no problem. I guess I forgot for a second what a drooling, slack-jawed moron the president is. Honestly, even if I had owned up to it, old shit-for-brains probably would have forgotten what I said 15 minutes later.” Kelly added that now that this controversy had been laid to rest, he could focus on steadfastly serving the unconscionable dumbfuck for the remainder of his term.

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