If you've decided to breed, then eventually you're going to have to find somewhere to educate your spawn so that they don't grow up hurling their own feces as a means of communication. If you have the extra cash, you may want to send your kid to a fancy private school. Just, you know, do your research first. Because there are some, uh, questionable private schools out there, like ...

5 The Delphian School

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If you're willing to shell out 40 grand a year for your child's high school education, the institution you send him or her to had better be pretty outstanding. The first thing you might notice about the Delphian School is the striking beauty of the place, which sprawls out across 800 acres. Delving deeper, you may like what you find as you read of the school's emphasis on rigorous academics, motivated faculty, and high standards of personal responsibility. Sounds pretty good! And then you see it:

"Delphi Schools, Inc. owes a debt of gratitude to Mr. Hubbard, whose extensive writings on education have guided our work in education and provide fundamental guidelines and policy for the schools in their approach to teaching, learning, and administration."

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Oh shit.

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Let us be clear about this: The Delphian School denies being affiliated with Scientology in any way. It's merely a coincidence that half the student body are practicing adherents, and that Tom Cruise's kids happen to be alumni.

So just what does an educational curriculum designed by L. Ron Hubbard look like, anyway? According to Hubbard, "All educational problems arise from misunderstood words," so students spend a part of their day ritualistically looking up words in the dictionary to understand the multitude of nuances to words like "the." Other activities include "training routines" where students are forced to remain stoic while other students scream abuse and ridicule. It's basically the first act of Full Metal Jacket.