When it was first pointed out to Chris Grayling that the company he had given a £14m shipping contract to did not, in fact, have any ships, and that its terms and conditions had been copied and pasted from a takeaway delivery website, his reaction was to say that was completely fine, and anyone who disagreed “didn’t understand business”.

He’s had to cancel that contract now, on account of the shipless shipping company – and this will shock you – not being able to deliver on the contract it was given. And on Monday he was summoned to the despatch box of the House of Commons where, guess what, he said that this too was completely fine, and that anyone who disagreed “didn’t understand business”.

What must life be like on Planet Grayling? Where the entire world can tell you you’re in the wrong, you disagree, and then when it turns out they were so very obviously right, you and you alone think it’s proof they were wrong all along?

Grayling's biggest failings Show all 8 1 /8 Grayling's biggest failings Grayling's biggest failings Banning books for prisoners Then Justice Secretary Grayling introduced a ban on sending books to prisoners in November 2013. The ban was later deemed unlawful by the High Court PA Grayling's biggest failings Knocking a cyclist off their bike Transport Secretary Chris Grayling knocked a cyclist off their bike by opening his car door in 2016. The footage was released by the recording cyclist a few months after the incident when Grayling complained about London's cycle lanes Guardian Grayling's biggest failings Train timetables fiasco After an Office for Road and Rail report found that nobody had taken charge during a major change to train timetables that left more than one in ten trains being late or cancelled on Northern and Thameslink, Transport Secretary Grayling insisted he was not to blame PA Grayling's biggest failings Unlawful cuts to legal aid The cuts to legal aid for certain categories of prisoner that Grayling introduced as Justice secretary in 2013 were found to be unlawful by the High Court PA Grayling's biggest failings Private probation reversal Theresa May's government has opted to renationalise the supervision of former prisoners after a part-privatisation program begun by Grayling in 2014 was found to be putting the public at risk PA Grayling's biggest failings Ferry contract for a company with no ferries Grayling handed a £14 contract to Seaborne Freight to deliver goods from Ostend to Ramsgate in the event of a no deal Brexit. The contract fell through after the Irish company that Seaborne was relying on to carry out the shipping pulled out PA Grayling's biggest failings Criminal courts charge In 2015, then Justice Secretary Grayling introduced a policy whereby convicted criminals would have to pay from £150-£1200 towards the cost of their case. The policy was criticised for compelling defendants to plead guilty and led to protests by magistrates. The policy was scrapped by Michael Gove when he became Justice Secretary later that year PA Grayling's biggest failings Cyclists not road users As Transport Secretary, Grayling once failed to recognise cyclists as road users PA

Perhaps awarding a shipping contract to a shipping company with no ships seems perfectly normal when you yourself have been awarded an important job despite having no brain. And when you have no brain, it’s also perfectly normal to come to the despatch box of the House of Commons to excuse the inexcusable and not actually bring any excuses with you.

Anyway, the main bit of “news” from Grayling’s statement on the “startup business” Seaborne Freight farce was that he was now able to release new “market-sensitive” information on why it absolutely, definitely, wasn’t his fault. It turned out, you see, that a big Irish shipping company called Arklow Shipping had told him Seaborne Freight were absolutely fine.

But then, two weeks ago, Arklow had decided that actually, Seaborne Freight weren’t fine, and had pulled the plug on their association with them. So one of the most short-lived and most richly comic government contracts of recent times had ceased to be.

This is the point at which it gets either really strange or entirely predictable, depending on whether you are or are not Grayling. Arklow Shipping had decided that one of the main problems with Seaborne Freight is that they’d been hired to take ferries between Ramsgate and Ostend, but they hadn’t actually managed to secure any kind of agreement with Ramsgate port to allow them to take their (non-existent) ferries there.

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It’s hard to know where to start with the metaphors. The Seaborne Freight contract is perhaps best understood as it being the late 1980s, and Grayling has seen no problem at all with booking a flight to Tehran with new British startup, Salman Rushdie Airways. It’s not just that Salman Rushdie Airways has got no planes, and no pilot’s license. It’s that he’s kind of not allowed even to go to the destination itself.



Still, in other news, Grayling has, he confirmed, got rid of his government car and driver, and has instead given the contract to startup business “Prince Phil’s minicabs”. At the moment, Prince Phil doesn’t actually have a minicab, but anyone who thinks that’s a problem “doesn’t understand business” so it’ll all be fine.