NRA Acquires Xanax from Pfizer

Feb 17, 2018

The National Rifle Association has purchased Xanax from Pfizer.



“This may come as a surprise to many," said NRA president Pete Brownell. "The NRA is a 501(c)(4) social welfare organization. But we noticed great synergy between our need to advocate guns getting the same rights as people, and also the need to give people tranquilizers and sedatives.”

Xanax (Alprazolam) is used to treat anxiety and panic disorders. It makes up a class of medications called benzodiazepines that act on the nerves to produce a calming effect.

“Getting your doctors to prescribe Xanax has never been easier,” continued Brownell. “Just tell them you have anxiety because there are too many guns.”

You can buy 30 one-milligram tablets for about $100 from CVS without health insurance. But if you wish to bypass the background checks, you can grab a 2 milligram bar off the streets for about the same amount.

Some people have not been too happy. A spokesperson for #GunReformNow had this to say: “By prescribing Xanax and guns, we are merely attacking the symptoms of our problems. To attack to root we must go deep into the nature of the mind, explore compassion and forgiveness, refine techniques of meditation with the same amount of discipline that we put into training our muscles at the gym, and to explore what it means to live as a community once and for…”

Although to be honest my attention span kind of fizzled out. That dude was pretty boring. To focus me better, I’ve been taking Adderall to treat my ADD, which I prefer to cocaine since the cocaine these days is pretty crappy and I don’t want to support the narco gun lords.

But it’s just that Adderall leaves me a little too wired come nighttime. So now I’m taking a Xanax to take me back down so I can finally get a little shut eye, recite my bedtime prayers, and place my Glock underneath my comfy pillow and slip into dreamland.

Wall Street responded positively. News began to circulate that NRA membership levels, which had been dwindling over the years, suddenly jumped. This certainly correlated with the fact that the NRA promised Xanax discounts for members.

As we stand here now, armed to the teeth and Xanaxed through the nose, it's become apparent that today is a great day for guns and pharmaceuticals both.