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XARM. XARM.

It may shock you to discover that despite being unavoidably brutal and dumb, this sport was not well-received. It was a desperate, cocaine-party napkin of an idea by an old man's imagination of what hot youths on the go would want to see on their computer phones. Art Davie had to shop the XARM pilot around for four years before someone said they were interested, but soon after revised that interest to "not." I'm not saying the courageous XARM competitors battled for their faces' lives in vain, but if you broke your head open teaching The OA movements to your cat, it would be a more meaningful injury than a XARM concussion. So while it may never fill an arm-wrestling combat arena near you, let's go over the official XARM RULES.

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In XARM, you compete in three 60-second rounds which is not long enough to deliberate about the decisions that led you to XARM, but absolutely long enough for your brain to get punched out by a tornado of haymakers. The first man to go unconscious loses, and if that doesn't happen, judges pick a winner. Their criteria are based on who hurt the other more, of course, but they also take into consideration the number of arm-wrestling pins. Which means a man with a hard-enough head could theoretically ignore punches for three minutes and win by rapidly arm wrestling. It's a move ancient XARM masters probably call "The determined public masturbator resists arrest."

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One of the best things about XARM, besides that they made it into a video game, is the referee. Since it's nothing but absurd chaos, his only real job is stopping the fight after one of the men goes limp. And this is really, really hard to determine when he's being held up and cranked around by the other fighter. Like the producers of Weekend At Bernies II, he only stops you from flinging a limp human body around after it's far, far too late.