If given the choice between working and not working, what would you do? Would you keep peeling yourself out of bed, chugging coffee to regain feeling in your face and commuting to a dodgy office park in the suburbs so you can slowly poison yourself with Freon for eight hours? Or would you do the sensible thing and piss off to the countryside, grow an obnoxious Father John Misty beard that collects bees and old food particles, and suspend all bathing for the foreseeable future?

A newly released study authored by Christin Munsch, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut, and two grad students, claims that the way you answer this hypothetical question might be determined by your gender. Munsch’s study concludes that men who take a primary breadwinner role in relationships tend to suffer from poor emotional and physical health, but women thrive in that same position. As you might imagine, those finding are connected to the sociological pressures of outmoded gender roles.

Men believe that they are required, by custom or tradition, to earn money and support their family alone. Doing so can be a crushing burden, especially because most of the men I know are inveterate bums.

Consider the increasing ubiquity of sandals and other lace-less shoes. “Ugh, can you imagine having to tie your shoes every time you put them on,” I often say to myself as I calmly glide into my Birkenstocks before walking the dog. It’s a barbarian’s life, isn’t it, gentlemen? Don’t even get me started on pants with zippers. Whomever invented elastic should be added to Mount Rushmore, as they have done more for Americans than any politician in history.

Women, on the other hand, have been prevented from excelling in the workplace thanks to misogyny, both overt and covert. The dunderheaded idea that women’s achievements don’t count lingers, even in 2016.

Look at the BBC presenter who – just this week – subtly thumbed his nose at women’s tennis, congratulating Andy Murray on being the first person to win back-to-back golds at the Olympics, when the Williams sisters have already done it. (Murray corrected him.) I assume it’s not still mansplaining if you teach another man about sexism, so we need to come up with another name for it. How about “thought-flogging”?

Then there’s the continued dearth of female CEOs, female film directors, female politicians ... the list goes on. Whereas men see career advancement and financial success as necessities for self-esteem, women can still count both as hard-fought gains in the continuing fight for gender equality.

Guys, if you truly hate working and cannot stand the ascetic drudgery of ambition, then I say this to you: quit. Get out of the way. Let a competent, motivated woman do your job. You’re taking up space and sucking wind that would be better served going to an enthusiastic person, no matter their gender identity.

It’s time to give up. Open that candle shop you’ve been planning. Become a golf instructor. Make novelty drink coasters with dirty limericks printed on the bottom. Move to the desert.

And for the love of god, if you are a lazy, entitled man, don’t run for president of the United States. Chances are there’s a woman who not only actually wants to be president and whose primary goal in life is not to “bang a 10” or run a beauty pageant, but would take the time to read at least one book on the subject before applying for the job. It’s OK to be lazy, guys – just as long as you don’t have designs on gaining access to a collection of tanks, missile silos and a highly trained network of spies.

The sky truly is the limit when you let go of the toxicity of hyper-masculinity. You’re free to be you, even if “you” is a total idiot who has a mouth like a harbor seal’s anus. You have nothing more to prove, fellas – not to your dad, not to the Little League baseball coach who sat you on the bench every game of the season in fourth grade because his son was on the team and certainly not to the media. Put on your dad jeans and support your wife’s ambitions.