Like a lot of parents, I’m concerned that my kids aren’t getting enough root beer at breakfast. Because what goes better with a breakfast cereal that looks and tastes like chocolate chip cookies than an ice-cold carbonated beverage?

Oh, wait, no responsible parent ever thinks that. And yet Pop Tarts has released two new limited-edition flavors, A&W Root Beer Pop Tarts and Orange Crush Pop Tarts. Presumably these treats for parents who want their kids’ energy levels to max out during 10 a.m. swimming lessons and then crash into naps by lunchtime? Pink Lemonade Pop Tarts sound almost healthy by comparison.

I spent weeks fruitlessly (get it?) trying to hunt down the toaster tarts in Madison grocery stores, only to come across them while on vacation in North Carolina last week. A beach house swarming with kids seemed like the perfect laboratory to try them out.

First, the Root Beer Pop Tarts, which are dark brown and covered with frosting and what looks like tiny specks of crushed root beer barrel candy on them. The insides are dark brown, like a root beer slushie.