PEOPLE who rent flats in London would begin to starve after roughly two days in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

With the government warning that food stockpiling may be necessary, thousands of renters would find themselves having to survive the crisis on a ration of one chickpea per day.

Nikki Hollis, 26, who rents a one-bedroom flat that accounts for 75% of her wages, said: “All this talk of ‘stockpiling’ makes it sound like we’ve got giant cellars the size of the Cabinet War Rooms.

“I think Theresa May’s been watching too much American TV. Ordinary people like us don’t have massive basements full of sporting equipment and washing machines. If we did, we’d sub-let them.

“Currently we’ve got a bit of space behind the TV, which sits on top of the fridge. We could put a few tins there.

“Alternatively we could buy loads of sacks of pulses, rip out the bathroom to make room for them and then shit out of the window like in medieval times.

“However 50 years of toiletless veganism isn’t quite what we were promised on the side of the bus.”