Apologizing and accepting apologies is an essential activity within communities if they are to be harmonious, yet it is often hard to find the best way to handle the process. If we’ve hurt someone and know it, we can apologize in private, being open to whatever conversation happens subsequently. Sometimes there’s more than one thing to be sorry for and more than a few people taking sides. For such cases within the monastic sangha, the Buddha described a confession/apology/forgiveness strategy called “covering over with grass”. Here’s how it works:

…When they [the disputing monks] have met together, a wise monk among the monks who side together on the one side should rise from his seat, and after arranging his robe on one shoulder, he should raise his hands, palms together, and call for an enactment of the Sangha thus: ‘Let the venerable Sangha hear me. When we took to quarreling and brawling and were deep in disputes, we said and did many things improper for an ascetic. If it is approved by the Sangha, then for the good of these venerable ones and for my own good, in the midst of the Sangha I shall confess, by the method called ‘covering over with grass,’ any offenses of these venerable ones and any offenses of my own, except for those which call for serious censure and those connected with the laity.’ Then a wise monk among the monks who side together on the other part should rise from his seat…[and he says the same words]. (from MN 104, translated by Bhikkhu Bodhi)

“Covering over with grass” can’t be used for serious offenses, for which the Buddha’s dispensation names specific remedies. But for re-starting relations after many people have said regrettable things, it can work.

In the Jewish tradition, before or on the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), adherents are encouraged to apologize to others and ask for forgiveness, in order to start the new year with a “clean slate”. One way to do this is simply to address another person in our life, with or without something specific to apologize for, and say, “If I’ve done anything that hurt or offended you in the past year, please forgive me.” We could also say something like, “Any hurt or offense you have caused me in the past year is forgiven.” It’s amazing how effective this is in helping us recognize that we inflict niggling hurts on each other, often without intending to, and that all of us need to forgive and be forgiven on a regular basis.