By ANDREA PEYSER

-- IT'S enough to make you feel sorry for Scott Peterson. Al most.

Amber Frey, the buck-toothed, baby-voiced massage therapist from Fresno who briefly loved Scott Peterson before she tried nailing him to the wall, will not be ignored.

The woman talented enough to have acquired faith in God, the services of a murderous lover, and a high-powered publisher has added her name to a memoir nearly as slim and shallow as she is.

As a public service, here's a cheat sheet to "Witness For the Prosecution of Scott Peterson." I'll skip over Amber's tedious whining about her life as a single mom and cut to the naughty bits, because this is an important book.

It's a how-to book for losers.

It's an advice rag for re-covering sluts.

And it's chock-full of sage advice and dating tips.

Amber's Dating Tip No. 1: A Mom has Needs, So Plan Ahead.

Even before Amber met Scott on a blind date, pal Shawn considerately planned to watch Amber's baby daughter overnight.

"Just remember that I have to be at work in the morning!" her friend warned before Amber leaped out the door.

Dating Tip 2: You can't be too thin or too easy.

A few hours later, Amber told Scott: "I don't know if I'm ready to be with you." Turns out she was.

Dating Tip 3: After the Binge, Don't Forget the Purge.

There's nothing worse for a budding romance than a wife. Amber was deep in the throes of her . . . whatever with Scott, when she found out his wife, Laci, had disappeared. So she quickly handed every bit of evidence she had about Scott to cops — even her shoe scrapings.

"I realize that I wanted to do more than help," Amber writes. "I wanted to purge Scott from my heart and my home."

Dating Tip 4: When Short on Ideas, Shed Clothes.

Oh, yes, the obligatory shots of Amber uncrossing her legs in all their limber glory are well represented in this book.

A smart girl's gotta make a living.

Amber's trite and overactive imagination finds another, unexpected target.

The lofty tome features a "Laci came to me in a dream" sequence — only here, Amber transforms the poor, murdered Laci into a kind of ghoul.

Amber writes that on Christmas Eve 2002 — the date cops say Laci was murdered — a devilish Laci visited her bed.

"In the nightmare, a man with brown hair . . . is tick ling [Amber's daughter] Ayiana," she writes.

"Before long, Ayiana was having trouble breathing."

Then "I saw [Laci] . . . and she was laughing hysterically.

" 'Don't laugh!' I yelled at her. 'Can't you see he's smothering her?!' "

It's a nightmare all right — starting when Amber picked up her pen.