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You've heard about Petty God, you've contemplated long and hard about Vengeful Angry Pissed-Off God, you've read in disbelief about that psycho Abraham and his willingness to murder his own son, and you've more than likely heard something about that Mohammed guy and his child bride. But what about Pedophile God, have you ever really considered Pedophile God?

Most historians agree that Mary, that defined-solely-by-her-virginity Mother of God woman, was almost certainly just a 12 or 13-year old kid when she was impregnated, supposedly by the Big Guy up in the sky. You say "Yeah, but that was the norm back then", but, really, think about it, if an Almighty, All-Seeing, All-Knowing Eternal God can go around poking 12-year-old girls, then, regardless of the cultural setting, it must be an ok thing to do, right? Or else, perhaps, God is just a bit of a perv.

I mean, it was socially acceptable for Greek men to take young boys to the baths with them in Plato and Aristotle's time, right? So does that mean that if God were to have taken some little boy to pleasure himself with back in Ancient Greece it would've been ok? But what a silly question. Because whatever God supposedly did is always justifiable and explainable to those who want to justify and explain such things.

But who the hell knows if this Mary kid was a virgin anyway? Just because some guys, intent on showing that their guru was divine and above all others, wrote it down as fact 60 to 70 years after it had supposedly happened, just doesn't make it true. I mean, none of them were even around to witness the deed. It was all hearsay. It would never stand up in court.

You don't think there's any chance this Mary girl might have been a victim of rape or incest like so many other girls and women throughout human history, do you? And, considering that the pathetic nature of patriarchical human society has always been to blame the female victim for any horrors she may have suffered, you don't think there's any chance that this young girl, hoping to avoid some barbaric punishment, might have been inclined to claim that she was still a virgin, somehow hoping she might be believed, even if she happened to be pregnant (they had terrible Sex Ed in the schools back then, you know).

Or maybe she was just messing around with Joe and, you know, they forgot to use one of those sheep intestines or whatever... or maybe it sprung a leak? Or, even more likely, she was probably just having a bit of fun with Joe's buddy Gab, who then got all defensive when Mary's belly started to swell, and was like "Hey, man, she's definitely still a virgin, don't go looking at me. Maybe like, you know, it was God or something? That's it. It was God". Either way, good thing Joe stepped up to the plate or else Mary would have been stoned to death, along with her unborn baby, as an evil slut. Having consensual sex, of course, being one of the most vile, disgusting and sickening acts a women could be accused of engaging in back then... or today, for that matter, in many countries around the world.

Whatever the case, I don't really think she was a virgin, of course, but lots of people do, so it's them, not me, who are calling their God a pedophile. And I don't think that's a very nice - or smart - thing to do. He's been known to get pissed off and kill babies, flood whole planets and slime people with frogs, when not turning them into salt. He also enjoys damning people to eternal suffering supposedly. So, if I were a follower, I sure as hell wouldn't want to go accusing him of knocking up some young girl. But if that's what people really want to do then I can't stop them now, can I?

And, on a similar note, don't even get me started about that big prophet guy (let's call him The Big M) who, at age 54, married a 6-year-old girl (though he sensibly waited until she was 9 to consummate the union). Yes, you read that right. Nine. Read up on it, if you don't believe it. And you shouldn't. But, sadly, it's true. But, whatever you do, don't talk about it too much. Certain pedophile defenders will literally have your head over any condemnation of this or any other behavior by The Big M.

You've really got to wonder how people are supposed to live a good decent life when they've got role models like Ab, The Big M and Pedophile God to look up to? I mean, it makes Kobe Bryant, Maradona and Mike Tyson seem like outstanding role models in comparison.

Really now, don't you think God could've chosen to impregnate an older woman, say a widow? But, no, that'd mean she wouldn't be a virgin and thus "pure", wouldn't it? I forgot about that.

Consider this: The pathetic sex haters who run the Catholic, Eastern and Oriental Orthodox churches, as well as that whole religion of Islam, want everyone to actually believe that Mary was not just a virgin - no no no, that wouldn't be pure enough - she was, in fact, wait for it, a Perpetual Virgin. Yes, a Perpetual Virgin. Or, as they sometimes call her, an "Ever-Virgin". That's right, she was so good and so pure (i.e. asexual), and she so fully embraced her virginity, that she said "Heck, why not?" and remained a virgin till the day she died. Even after getting married. Sounds like a great marriage she had there with Joe. And to think he stepped up and saved her from a nasty life-ending stoning and all he gets is stonewalled in bed for the next 30 years? Doesn't sound like a very fair deal to me.

But I could go on and on about the Church celebrating a woman simply for her virginity, never mind their insistence on making both Mary and Jesus out to be completely asexual, but that'd be a whole other rant.

By the way, did you know that besides never committing a sin, being spectacularly great at the whole virginity thing and being pure and good like only a virgin could, Mary also never burped or farted? Yes, it's true, she was THAT pure!

And, so, as John Lennon, if he were here, would most certainly join me in singing to all those in the Church and elsewhere who are so repulsed by sex that they can only think of a woman as truly pure and good if she happens to be a virgin:

Everybody's talkin' 'bout virginity, divinity, original sin and some apple tree

But all we are saaaaying is give sex a chance

Yes all we are saaaaying is give sex a chance

But not with children, for God's sakes, God, get it together will you?!

Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)

Friday, March 30th, 2007

If you liked this piece you'll probably enjoy this one as well: The Don't Thank God For The Lunacy of The Runaway Ego Rant

For more on Religion click here: Religion

And for more in this "Untouchables" series click here: Touching the Untouchables

And on a somewhat different topic try this: Fear and Loathing in The Heartland: Republicans' Lovefest With Ignorance

Or this: Red, (Very) White and Clueless: The Tale of Two Americas

Or this: Freedom Fly: Bottled Horniness For The Truly Patriotic American