WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have culminated in the finding that it is in fact time for you to give up, experts on you concluded this week. “You made a decent run at it, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re ever really going to get anywhere,” said numerous sources who worked on your case, none of whom believed that further expenditure of time, energy, or resources would garner apreciable gains and all of whom believed that a graceful admission of defeat is your best option. “You may believe this is merely a slump or a rough patch and that you’ll eventually get back on track with everything, but all the data we have indicate that the more effort you put forth now, the greater your disappointment will be when you are finally forced to surrender to your own inadequacy and stop trying altogether. Yes, before you say anything, we know it seems as if you have years to get it together, but you don’t. Those years will only bear mute witness as you flail helplessly, getting nowhere. You probably should have given up decades ago. You are a failure.” The experts also noted that, while it has been stated many times previously that one should never, ever give up, that sentiment is intended as a general guideline and does not apply in your specific and more hopeless case.

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