“When Our Children Go Astray,” Liahona, Mar. 1999, 29

Despite our best efforts to raise children who love the Lord, follow His commandments, and live happy, productive, and healthy lives, our sons and daughters sometimes go astray. Straying can mean involvement in drug abuse, criminal activity, immorality, and even abuse of parents and others. Other forms of drifting, perhaps less serious but nevertheless troubling, include underachieving, dropping out of school, and finding little purpose or happiness in life.

Typical parental reactions include sorrow, despair, desperation, depression, feelings of guilt and unworthiness, and a sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents may also experience anger and withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up. These reactions usually make matters worse, deepening the problems they face.

My wife and I have friends who, because of their son’s behavior, have suffered almost every emotion identified above. The past five or six years have been a hideous nightmare for them. They have tried every possible approach, even placing their son in expensive rehabilitation programs in which he typically lasts only a week, despite his good intentions.

The father shared his lament and his hope in these words: “There is no how-to book for parents with young people like our son. You pray to the Lord that He will guide your thoughts and your actions, and you hope you will make wise decisions.” He and his wife, firm in their faith, declare: “We have the ultimate hope that because he has been sealed to us in the temple, the bonds of eternal covenants will be stronger than the bonds of the adversary that now seem to grip his life. We live with hope that the day will come when he will return to his eternal family and repent of his way of life.”

Our friends represent thousands of others in similar circumstances who are meeting challenges almost beyond their capacity to endure. Trials of parenthood are most often associated with children’s growing-up years, but these challenges can arise with children of any age. As parents, we don’t cease our concerns when our children reach adulthood.

In an effort to extend understanding and help to parents who are suffering because of their children’s behavior, I think it may be helpful to (1) look at two related problems some families face, (2) examine doctrines that play a fundamental role in helping parents deal with those problems and others of similar gravity, and (3) discuss how parents can stay strong during the years of turmoil.

Alcohol and Drugs • Alcohol. One couple grieved deeply and suffered throughout much of their lives because at the age of 13 their son began regularly consuming great quantities of alcoholic beverages. He never recovered from the alcoholism that eventually caused his premature death. Shortly before the son’s illness that ended his tortured life, a brother asked him, “When did you take your first drink?” The answer was both startling and revealing. He explained that one day when he was only five years old and playing at a friend’s home while the parents were away, he was offered a drink of beer. Not knowing anything about alcoholic beverages and thinking his friend meant root beer, he tasted his first alcoholic drink. He liked the taste and effect of it. By age 13 he was an alcoholic. For the rest of their son’s life, the parents spent a major part of their time praying, worrying, and struggling unsuccessfully to reclaim and assist him. They found him in pool halls and bars, with drinking buddies, and in prison. Some years they did not know where he was, a sad state of affairs in which imagination can be even worse than reality. During other years, with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and the loving attention of others who had struggled with similar problems, he was sober and lived a productive existence. Throughout all their years of heartache, these parents never gave up. They spent countless hours on their knees praying for their son, often pleading to know where he was. When his mother became seriously ill, no one knew where the son was, but the Spirit summoned the young man to the telephone and brought him home. It was he who helped his father and sister care for his dying mother during her last days on earth. • Drugs. During the years I served as a priesthood leader in Los Angeles, California, a number of parents had children who were caught up in the drug culture so prevalent in the 1960s. One father came to me for advice and comfort. Two of his sons had become addicted to hard-core drugs, resulting in nightmarish consequences to him and his wife. During this couple’s years of child rearing and in spite of whatever normal parental mistakes they may have made along the way, they had constantly provided their children a loving example and had done their best to teach righteous gospel principles in the home. Yet two of their sons made tragic choices anyway. As the severity of the problems became known, the parents judged themselves harshly, and the father felt unworthy to continue in his priesthood responsibility. I persuaded him to continue serving in the Church and expressed confidence in the future for his children. I shared with him then and would now like to share with all parents, especially those suffering pain and a sense of frustration as they watch their dreams for their children turn to ashes, some thoughts about relevant doctrines that provide needed hope and balm.

Relevant Doctrines Some parents suffer greatly because they blame themselves unduly for having been poor parents. In this position they are likely to misapply President David O. McKay’s wonderfully prophetic statement that “no other success can compensate for failure in the home” (in Conference Report, April 1964, 5; quoting J. E. McCulloch, Home: The Savior of Civilization [1924], 42). They seem to draw the unintended implication that since they have a child who is abusing drugs or alcohol, they must be failures as parents; hence, no matter how hard they have tried, no other good they have done or success they have achieved can compensate for their parental failure at home. Because this statement was intended to inspire parents to become or stay involved with their children, it should not be taken to mean that parents who have indeed put great time, effort, and sacrifice into parenting and yet who have still not reaped the desired rewards have failed. A closer look at additional counsel and doctrines may provide much needed perspective. • Trust Father in Heaven. Most of our lives are a complex mixture of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, good and bad. Heavenly Father fully understands our conditions here in mortality, having allowed those conditions and provided agency as a kind of living laboratory for human growth. Moreover, He Himself must have experienced all of the conditions and feelings we do, for, as the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “God himself was once as we are now” and “dwelt on an earth” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, selected by Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 345, 346). Not only did one of His choicest sons rebel during our premortal existence, but that son also persuaded a third part of the Father’s children to take a devilish path. If you are experiencing extreme pain as a parent of a prodigal child, remember parents in scripture who similarly suffered. Some of these are Adam and Eve, whose son Cain murdered his brother Abel; Lehi and Sariah, whose two older sons rebelled; Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, those towering figures who, with their wives, experienced much parental sorrow; Alma the Younger, who had a rebellious son, Corianton; and Mosiah, who had several rebellious sons. In 1929 Elder Orson F. Whitney of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “You parents of the wilful and the wayward! Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours﻿—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend” (in Conference Report, April 1929, 110). Indeed, throughout the ages, many parents have faced significant struggles with their children and have received support, help, and guidance from our Father in Heaven as they have sought to find ways to reach their children. • Respect Agency. A governing doctrine of the universe, applicable in all ages including the eternities before God formed this earth, is that God has granted to people their agency﻿—the right to choose between good and evil. Because we have agency, it is fair and just that we account to Him for our use of it, whether good or bad. If we had no agency, God would be responsible for us and everything we did, which would result in our never really knowing the depth of our personal convictions regarding either good or evil. This is not a neutral world. Good and evil bombard us and our children. Teaching our children correct principles allows them to make informed choices. But when children make choices contrary to gospel teachings, they always suffer the consequences, some of which are serious. In the Doctrine and Covenants we read, “My people must needs be chastened until they learn obedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they suffer” (D&C 105:6; emphasis added). While it’s the harder pathway, the Lord is aware of young people who have been caught in addictive behaviors and is watching patiently over them as they learn through their own experience about good and evil. Paraphrasing the Prophet Joseph Smith, Elder Orson F. Whitney said “that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. … They will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (in Conference Report, April 1929, 110). We can and should expect much of our children, but we cannot force them into the Lord’s mold. Our children will not stay with the Church and live the gospel unless they want to. Once wayward children grow up, the time may come when we will need to adjust our present expectations and approach, accepting things as they are rather than continuing in turmoil. We should not expect perfection in our children but, rather, adopt in patience and love the Lord’s eternal view of things. • Refrain from Judging Others Unrighteously. Because God and Jesus Christ alone (see D&C 76:68) can judge fully what is in people’s hearts, they alone can wisely and perfectly temper justice with mercy, conditioned on whether our hearts have been softened and whether we have repented of our individual sins. It is for this reason we are admonished not to judge others unrighteously. Harsh condemnation of others by us will bring to us similar condemnation from our Heavenly Father. (See Joseph Smith Translation, Matt. 7:1–3.) God, as well as His Son, is a totally righteous and completely trustworthy judge, perfected in light, knowledge, and understanding. One particularly heartrending experience comes to parents whose children express a same-sex preference. Parents may wonder how to be generally supportive of their young adult without condoning specific immoral behavior. Harsh and judgmental reactions, threats to disown them, or other mistreatment of such a son or daughter do not help. Parents need to continue to extend loving concern to the young man or woman while upholding God’s law of chastity and morality. Because our children follow a different course than we have taught them does not give us license to reject them. We can rarely know in full what forces cause our children’s lives to careen out of control. Only God has all of the tools and facts sufficient to identify the forces that bring about undesired effects. He alone, through the Son (see John 5:22), can and “shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil” (Eccl. 12:14). Our relationships with our children are valuable. We must not reject them or judge so quickly or harshly that the damage becomes nearly irreversible. • Turn to the Savior. Because God knows the inevitable consequences of agency﻿—we all choose right as well as wrong, and we all transgress to some degree﻿—He has provided a Savior to snatch us from our precarious situation. The Savior has taken upon Himself the burden of our sins, pains, infirmities, and feelings of despair, and we are able to receive of the healing power of His Atonement if we soften our hearts and repent of our sins and become a different person. He mourns with us in our extreme agitation, even when His long view of things requires that for our ultimate good in some situations He withhold His hand from lifting our burdens too quickly. The spirit of the Savior’s teachings helps us understand how we should react when our children go astray. We should prepare to leave the “ninety and nine” to seek the one (see Luke 15:1–7); to search the house to reclaim the lost coin (see Luke 15:8–10); and to welcome home even one who has wasted our goods in riotous living (see Luke 15:11–32). How do we begin? • Seek the Lord. Problems with wayward children are usually complicated, and they vary from child to child. There is no one right way to reach them. Seeking help from the Lord in prayer may be the best or only way we can obtain needed direction specific for our situation. In Romans 8:26 [Rom. 8:26], the Apostle Paul explains that “we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Drawing very close to the Lord and seeking the Spirit’s guidance can help us know what steps to take. • Recognize the Spirit. Having drawn close to the Lord in deep and sincere prayer, we must learn to recognize promptings of the Spirit. In the Doctrine and Covenants the Lord promises He will “impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind” (see D&C 11:12–14). We can receive specific instructions through the Spirit about what our child needs at a given time. • Heed Promptings. Once we receive whisperings of the Spirit, we need to move forward steadfastly. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,” states the proverb, “and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Prov. 3:5). Sometimes the things we feel impressed to do may require faith on our part. Only the Lord knows the full picture. If we are willing to turn our minds and hearts over to Him, we can obtain insight that allows us to take a wise course of action for our child at any given time. Knowing we are directed by the Lord results in great personal inner strength during troubled times. Remember that we are not abandoned. The scriptures promise hope and peace. That Jesus Christ understands exactly what parents of wayward children may suffer is apparent from His magnificent parable of the prodigal son. In that parable the Lord made it clear that we can eventually triumph over almost all obstacles by exercising patience and developing greater wisdom and understanding. (See Luke 15:11–32.) • Never Give Up. If you cannot seem to reach your daughter or son now, you can at least keep trying and keep loving him or her, for the very will to reach out, nurture, and extend help to another is an act of love that does not always go unnoticed. President Joseph F. Smith offered advice that has helped me at difficult times: “Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! … However wayward they might be, … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly. … You can’t drive them; they won’t be driven” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th edition [1939], 316). This prophetic counsel from President Smith and the doctrines summarized above should give all parents hope that they can ultimately triumph if they remain prayerful and helpful and maintain an open door for their children. We must build our children and hold on to them. If, during their younger years, we create family friendships that strengthen and support them, we have a better chance of helping them later through their trials and temptations.