ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The thousands of young professionals that have recently moved into our town’s French Quarter have been put on notice today by the Shire Council after a report into the damage they cause to the local tourism industry has prompted a plan to cull them.

From next week, any ‘yuppie’ that is caught within the vicinity of the struggling Betoota Museum Of Technology runs the risk of being shot through the brain by a trained marksman.

The report, which found that these city workers with their high disposable incomes and a high sense of self-worth, have heavily gentrified the area and destroyed the nighttime tourism economy that once thrived in the French Quarter.

“Enough,” said Mayor Keith Carton today at a press conference on the corner of Rue de Branlette and Rue Putain.

“People aren’t coming to the French Quarter anymore. Tourists are cancelling bookings. The impact that these fucking yuppies are having on the Betoota Museum of Technology is also extremely profound. It’s on the verge of collapse. There’s talk of it moving out to Betoota Ponds!”

“So we are taking measures to protect the local tourism industry here in the French Quarter by culling the biggest yuppies in the area.”

However, the controversial move to murder innocent civilians without warning with a high-powered rifle has been met with criticism from justice groups.

But one local is in support of the measures.

Despite having barely enough cognitive function to select an appropriate rock out of a pile to throw at a passing bus, Dennis Capallerbar said he moved to the French Quarter to be closer to his place of employment.

The 28-year-old works full time at the Betoota Museum of Technology as a ticket stamper. He rose to local fame in 2011 for downing a schooner of Windex in a dare that ultimately cost him the ability to recognise faces.

Dennis spoke to our reporter out the front of the Museum a short time ago.

“The so-called ‘research’ the shire council has done is just typical Betoota Grove thinking,” he said, in his outdoor voice while inside.

“There rich toffs think they know what it’s like but they don’t. They don’t listen. These yuppie attacks on the French Quater have destroyed the tourism industry!”

Young Dennis then became so worked up, his brain began to misfire and he stopped speaking altogether.

But some members in the French Quarter Chamber of Commerce have lashed out at the plan, saying that these yuppies are a vital part of the area’s financial system and removing them in such a violent manner will have run-on effects long into the future.

However, as we were preparing to interview one yuppie from the Chamber of Commerce at Pont Jardin on Rue du Lapin, a trigger-happy marksman shot the young man in the throat and he quickly died then and there on the park bench in front of our reporter.

The sniper is set to be reprimanded for killing a yuppie a few days early.

More to come.