I’m girlfriend material — maybe even wife material. It’s true. However, I’m terrible at relationships — unless they are not my relationships.

You might ask how this could be possible. Or … maybe you might not, but I’m going to tell you anyway:

It’s because I know how to treat a guy when I’m in a relationship. I just choose the wrong guys.

Every. Single. Time.

If he’s emotionally unavailable, I’m all over it like gravy on mashed potatoes.

Let’s call it a reverse superpower. I see a guy I might be interested in, start talking to him, immediately realize there’s no future in that relationship and yet, I proceed to engage in a campaign to become his girlfriend. It works (because I’m that good) and I spend (waste) the next almost four years in a relationship with a serial cheater, a pathological liar and ‘playa’ of women.

I’ll even do the astrological math to make sure our signs are compatible. Trust me when I say, that even my compatible signs can turn out to be non-compatible. Cancer, Capricorn and Pisces seem to find their douchier sides when they come into contact with my Scorpio personality. In the end, they are surprised and butthurt to find out just how fast I can get over them.

Little do they know of my self-indulgent, dramatic, pity parties where I brainstorm on a million ways to get revenge for breaking my heart.

It’s my fault. Why? Because the signs pointing to “this guy does not respect or like you as much as he should and is going to use you as long as you let him” were furiously waving red flags that I chose to ignore. You know what all those signs look like, too, because even if you don’t want to see or acknowledge them, your BFFs will aggressively throw them in your face.

No, it’s not because they are jealous you’re getting laid and they are single; they see you’ve been stripped of your pride and dignity and, frankly, it’s not pretty. And you’re so wrapped up in making a non-relationship into what you fantasized it to be with a person who isn’t who you thought they were, that you decided not to listen to reason.

I’m no different when it comes to my friends, but I take a more ‘parental approach’ towards the issue. It’s a three-step process: 1) ignore it and hope it’s a passing phase; 2) acknowledge it without accepting it, hoping it goes away soon; and 3) campaign with so much vigor against it, you’d think I was running for the oval office.

But, just like me, no one listens. We only see what we want to see, and when we ask our friends for advice, we just want to hear them tell us what we want to hear. Inside, we know the truth, but we all want to be the exception to the rule Greg Behrendt told us about in the book He’s Just Not That Into You.

That’s like wishing you could be a unicorn. Who wouldn’t want to be a unicorn? I’d like to be a unicorn. But I digress.

These are points I take note of whenever I start seeing someone and it gets to a point where I’m trying to decide where it’s really going — aside from nowhere:

1. If you’re reading articles like, “How To Tell if He’s Not Into You,” chances are, you already know he’s not really into you. Besides, why do you care about signs you are going to ignore anyway?

2. Listen to yourself when you talk about him with your friends. Chances are, you are confused about where you stand and are looking at your friends to talk you down after seeing that flirty sext you snooped out of his phone from his ‘friend,’ “Sexy Lexie.” They know how “Sexy Lexie” probably earned that nickname — and so do you.

3. The only time you feel secure is when you are with that person. The minute you are apart, you start to second-guess his feelings because your intuition is smarter than you. It doesn’t help that you won’t hear from him for hours or even the next day. But you will immediately breath a sigh of relief just to get a text that says, “hi.”

4. He will not tell other girls he has a girlfriend. If he would rather delete them as contacts when you call him out for not admitting to the relationship you think you are having, then he’s definitely not serious about you. It’s very rare that a guy will have a harem of pretty girls in his phone that he hasn’t had or doesn’t want to have sex with that he’s calling ‘just a friend.’ If there’s anything my ex-boyfriend taught me about guys, it’s that little douche-ism.

5. He won’t hold your hand or show any sign in public that he’s with you and will treat you like one of the guys. You might think that’s great and associate that as being accepted into his inner circle. Not so fast. Why? Because he’s scoping the outer circle for anyone hotter or more interesting than you. Then he’s calculating the odds of success or failure in chatting another chick up for her digits while you’re in such close proximity. Yes, guys can be that bold.

If you’re reading this and nodding your head in agreement, chances are, you’re with the wrong person.

People will take from you what you are willing to give them, regardless of their level of interest in you, while giving you just enough to keep you hanging where they can pull you in if you drift away. You can take control by knowing what you want and not settling for less. Once you start compromising, you’ve lost because then you’re telling them, and everyone else, you’re not worth more. So, why should they give more?

Don’t give your best to someone who is waiting to give their best to someone else.

You should be giving your all to the one person that matters the most, who won’t fail you and will always respect you the way you should be respected: YOU. Because if you don’t like, care for or respect yourself, why would anyone else?

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.