Photo : Sara Laval

This is something I see way too often: some guy uses the toilet, walks up to the sink, trickles some water onto his fingers, shakes them off, then walks out of the restroom. Yuck. That does almost nothing, you impatient, gross monster.




You know what? Fine. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were never taught how to wash. Maybe you were raised in one of those stuck-in-the-past communes like in The Village, I don’t know. Anyway, here’s what you absolutely must do after you touch your genitals or wipe your butt (please):

Go to the sink and run some at least somewhat warm water.

Wet hands with said water.

Put either bar or liquid soap on your hands. This is required. Yes, it is. No, trying one soap dispenser then giving up because it’s empty is not okay. Make an effort here, you lazy scum.

Rub hands together for 20 to 30 seconds (No, it is not “too long”). Palm to palm, palm to back of each hand, between your fingers, and so forth. Cover every inch of your hands in sweet, sweet lather. Here are some pictures, if you can’t figure it out

Rinse the soap—and all those nasty germs and grime—from your hands.



Wow! You did it. Bonus points if you shake your hands as dry as you can (about 12 good shakes should do it) so you don’t have to use 80 paper towels to dry off.


If you’re wondering why the soap is so important, it’s because it’s a surfactant, which makes dirt, bacteria, and other disgusting crud on your hands slide right off in the water. Is rinsing with only water better than doing nothing at all? Yes, sort of, I guess (wet germs sound worse to me). But come one, just take the extra minute to use soap and actually clean yourself, you filthy animal.

And while hand sanitizer can work in a pinch, it doesn’t remove dirt and grime, and shouldn’t be relied on. If there’s no soap, at least run your hands under hot water for a few seconds and vigorously wipe off your hands with a paper towel instead of splashing a few drops on your fingers before wiping them on your nasty jeans.