Office Copier Assisted Suicide HOWTO

Step one: Identify your status

Office Copier Assisted Suicide (OCAS) isn't for everyone, indeed office equipment assisted suicide of any sort is not for the faint of heart, and OCAS is one of the more exacting methods. If you are feeling despondent and you just can't take it anymore, don't look to OCAS as a shortcut to oblivion: you must already have achieved a hard-fought and settled sense of both doom and self-determination.

Check if these following conditions match your circumstances. If the conditions are true, then read on. Otherwise if 1 or 2 conditions come up negative, you might be approaching the level of depression and self-righteousness required for OCAS, but you may want to read on only to "test the waters" as to whether OCAS is for you.

You mother has told you in no uncertain terms that she doesn't love you. Pets generally avoid you. You have no friends. You are ugly. You work in a place that looks like this. You want to die, as soon as possible in such a way that you appear to have used a photocopier machine to assist you in your suicide.

If you still feel that OCAS is for you, then read on.

Step two: Obtain the right mechanism

This is often overlooked. We have had a lot of email from people who have skipped this section and then gotten in quite a pickle when in the later sections everything doesn't go as planned and they've been found by the mail room staff weeping, soaked and embarrassed in front of a fax machine on a Monday morning.

In short, make sure the copier looks something like this diagram or is in the list of known successful OCAS photo-copiers.

Photocopier Notes Xerox 1090 Works Xerox 5390 Works HP-Mopier Works but cheap rollers prevent the correct tension in some cases Cannon CLC 700-1100 Excellent. Double-OCAS in once case. Minolta EP-5000 Works Pitney-Bowes SF50 Works

Step three: Prepare your attire

A high-quality silk tie is required. Clip on ties WILL NOT work, as they will simply come off when tugged. Ties other than silk not only don't have the strength to do the job but they also have too much friction against themselves (more on this later).

Put the tie on. Tie it in a "Navy-Style". Don't do a half or full-winsor or any other namby-pamby kind of knot.

Make sure the skinny end is a little longer than it should be by at least 3-4 inches. Chances are if you're ready to do an OCAS, you've always tied your tie this way and had to retie it at least once every time you'd put on the tie.

Step four: Introduce the tie into the Office Copier

To complete the OCAS, you must fully understand the process. Observe this exploded-view of the delivery transport of an HP photocopier:

You must insert the "skinny end" of the tie into the document feeder (a) so that it winds around the fusion drum (b) via the take up rollers (c). Since most OCAS-capable document feeders have been designed with enough torque to crush at least a toy poodle, pulling the tie around your neck until you can no longer breathe is well within the tolerances of most copiers.

Good luck and happy OCAS.