Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Do you like playing video darts? Of course you don't. Who would? But you can! Plus yoga! And car towing. Dog training. Photography. Cargo crane operation. Underwater welding. It seems like GTA V stole its game design from a trade school commercial. There are so, so many boring activities you're required or at least encouraged to do, and they're separated by miles and miles of collectibles-free highway. GTA isn't really a fun story as much as it is an interactive encyclopedia on the totality of the human experience. There's a pretty decent adventure buried under all the dull garbage, but that's like saying there are a couple of interesting-looking vaginas in a heap of pig carcasses.



There's a mini-game where you use a thumbstick to pretend to stretch!? Nailed it.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

So the game is a sprawling expanse of detailed nothing, but it's not all bad. Finding your way around is easy! You simply press pause and wait for a short loading screen to finish. This will bring up your map. Scroll along the map with your thumbstick for a moment before you remember this isn't actually the map. It's only the menu option for the map. Press A to go to the actual map and search for your destination. If your destination is too far away and you'd rather play the game instead of driving across it, exit out of the map and open your smart phone. Slowly scroll down your contact list since quickly isn't an option. Press A to call a taxi. Let it ring until a dispatcher picks up. If you are not playing the black character, a taxi will arrive 15 to 30 seconds later. It will be approximately one block from you, so look for it in the center of an exploding traffic jam it caused. It may start confusedly fleeing the crime scene, so tap the sprint button before it gets away. If you're not hit by emergency vehicles, you may be able to catch it! Now, simply scroll through the 75 possible locations until you find the one you want! While the taxi begins its long journey, it is the perfect time to ask your screaming spouse, parents, or children why you can't do just one god damn mission.