BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history of Russian classical music,” sources reported. “The whole of Scheherazade alone—but particularly how the fourth movement stays at once coherent and brilliant—cements his status as Russia’s master of symphonic color,” the ignorant fuckwad actually said, flapping his gums as though anyone would give a flying shit about Rimsky-Korsakov had Alexander Glazunov’s music not caught the eye of their eventual patron, Mitrofan Belyayev. “Even his lesser works like The Snow Maiden or Vera Sheloga have so much to teach today’s composer-arrangers, who no doubt owe a deep debt of gratitude to Rimsky-Korsakov for his virtuosity.” At press time, sources were plugging their ears so as not to have to hear Penneman’s dumbass proclamation that Italian librettists don’t come finer than Giuseppe Giacosa.

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