News Another Close Win for the Redskins, Another Ulcer for Fans By

Even the most skeptical Redskin fan thought this would be a relaxing game in which to enjoy and savor victory with the score at 17-0 against the 0-5 San Francisco 49ers. One could text your friends and chat about other things:

“Great start!”

“You see what happened to Aaron Rodgers? I was worried about facing them in the playoffs LOL ;)”

“How is your family? Check out this meme!”

Then, 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan did something that made all Redskins fans recall horrors of the past. He benched his starter and put in the other guy in the game. The other guy, always plays better against the Redskins. Always. This time the other guy was played by 49ers quarterback C.J Beathard, who’s grandfather, Bobby Beathard, used to be the General Manager and co-architect of those 1980’s championship Redskins teams.

The mood of the texts soon changed:

“Oh no who is this guy…C.J Beathard? His Grandaddy was our GM? Geez!”

“OH NOES! That was not a fumble. His elbow…oh god… come on refs make the right call…”

“F THE REFS!”

“We were up 17 to ZERO! my gawd… its tied. WTF?”

“TD! Praise all the GODS! We needed that!”

“He missed the EXTRA POINT? Damn you Hopkins…”

“UGH! How did that guy get so open?! OH YAH… our secondary is hurting…damn it”

“Come on baby….stop them. Please baby Jesus….please (Preying hands emoticon)”

“We’re gonna lose aren’t we?”

“YAAAS! FULLER! HTTR!”

“I need a drink or a bottle of Prilosec!”

Poor Redskins fans. This franchise will always find a way to torment them for eternity. Whether it’s a $19 Grub Tub or $15 Papa John’s Pizza, pain and suffering is always just around the corner. In this case, it was a referee aided meltdown of a 17 point lead.

It should never have gotten to this point.

When the referees went to review tight end Vernon Davis’ fumble, on the Microsoft Surface Pro guy (who by the way looks like he might sell cigarettes or vapes out of that thing he holds), it was clear Davis’ elbow was down. Yet, they concluded that wasn’t important. What was important was the spot of the ball on the return? Maybe the referee looked longingly into the Microsoft Surface Pro guy’s eyes and found new meaning in his life and forgot to look at the screen and make the right call? Maybe he found a new reason to live. A reason to keep making lousy calls.

Add to the fact that Beathard threw short passes with accuracy and his receivers started actually holding on to the ball and almost in an instant, a 49ers renaissance appeared before our very eyes. Art thou not entertained?

The Redskins somehow seemed to grasp that victory was slipping from their hands and fought back. Kirk Cousins, who during the 49ers resurgence looked longingly into Kyle Shanahan’s eyes as much as the ref did with the Microsoft Surface Pro guy, had to shake off some mid game struggles and lead the offense on a 10 play drive that included him rushing for a decisive touchdown. Game over right? Nah.

As Redskins fans were getting ready to sing Hail to the Redskins, kicker Dustin Hopkins inexplicably missed an extra point. You could feel the stadium fill with angst and worry after that miss. The stomach churning began and the pain the Redskins faithful are so familiar with came back. Mark my words, Hopkins will cost this team a chance to win this year at some point. His inaccuracy lurks behind the facade of victory and it will eventually cost the team. Mark my words.

Thankfully, the 49ers decided to go for an onside kick after the depleted Redskins secondary gave up another late touchdown on the ensuring drive. Luckily, the Redskins recovered the onside kick and all they needed was a first down. They couldn’t muster it and hence the late game dramatics.

Some pundits talked about how the Redskins won a “moral victory” in a loss against the Kansas City Chiefs a couple of weeks ago. If that was a moral victory, this was a “moral loss”. 17 point lead erased, missed extra points, defensive lapses, and turnovers all contributed to a victory somehow.

Maybe this is an improvement from years passed when the Redskins would also lose these types of games. Or maybe they just got lucky and squeaked out a win. Either way, Redskins fans should be prepared to take their stomach medicine and experience side effects such as hand wringing, itchy scalps, disappointment, delusions of grandeur, euphoria, and mass hysteria as the season progresses. If you have side effects lasting longer than 30 seasons please consult your doctor and see which team is right for you, because this Redskins team is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.

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