Prior to the recent Rebellion Festival I was wandering the streets of Amsterdam and found a rather fine second hand record store near to The Royal Opera House, amongst the racks I saw and bought a CD by a band called Bumsnogger entitled “and destroy all those that came before us” which featured such gems as ‘Dutch Fisting’, ‘Being Fucked Over’ and ‘Murdering The Homeless’ – band name and title tracks providing all the reason I needed for buying it.

I mentioned the band to a couple of the artists playing the festival as well as a few promoters, a conversation developed regarding appalling band names – bands complaining to promoters that they hadn’t been able to secure any gigs, bands wondering why their local store wouldn’t display their latest release in the front window; the usual and more well know suspects were recalled; Anal Cunt, Anal Beard, Raped, Rapeman, Cripples With Cancer etc; all of which led to the idea of a Top 50 of The Worst Band Names Ever – however the fact that we are discussing some of these bands would suggest that whilst they weren’t in the best of taste, they certainly got the band noticed, and therefore may not quite qualify for the ‘Worst’ category…

So in alphabetical order we present a Top 50, to be eligible each artist has to have had a commercially released single or album; the internet is full of bands with appalling names who have only made available a digital file; I suggest many of these bands don’t exist, do not perform live etc – so to be in our list a band had to have had a least one physical release.

1. Abörted Hitler Cöck – Described as a goregrind band; based in London and apparently still active; they have released the album ‘Erections At An Animal Autopsy’ a 39trk offering including ‘Using Rapebabies As Riotshields’, and more recently the 16trk EP ‘Necropaediatrician’ via Torn Flesh Recordings, don’t expect to see either of these on the shelves of your local HMV.

2. Anal Blast – Minneapolis based deathgrind/ grindcore outfit who up to 2004 had released 3 albums, the most recent being ‘Battered Bleeding Bitch’ (Nightfall Records) which featured such gems as ‘Fecal Mud Pack’, and ‘Face Down in Their Feces(sic) They Fester’

3. Anal Vomit – Peruvian death metal band fronted by Jose “Necrofucker” who had a side project called…Necrofucker – well he had to really! Anal Vomit have released a slew of albums, the most recent being ‘Gathering of the Putrid Demons’ via Black Seed Records, however they released a 7” EP ‘Nocturnal Curse Live’ in 2012 via the US label Warhemic Productions.

4. Ass Pounder – Short lived band from Salem, USA featuring Malevolent Fissure (guitar, vocals), The Bonch Master (keyboards, vocals), AssChopper (drums), MoldFeast the Tormentor (bass), Blackrot of the Nine Realms (bass), Corpsepuke (vocals), Coldspleen (bass); formed in 2005 and disbanded in November 2006 leaving behind a single CD ‘Demonic Realm’ which opened with ‘Skullfucked By A Chainsaw’ – no doubt a heartfelt lament to a lost romance!!

5. Bathtub Shitter – Osaka, Japan based grindcore 4 piece consisting of Masato Henmarer Morimoto (vocals), Yuki Kuroki (bass), Daisuke Tanabe (guitar), Keisuke Sugiyama (drums) who since 1996 have released four full length albums including 2006’s ‘Shitter at Salzgitter – Live in Germany’ via Power It Up Records , ten EP’s and appeared on a raft of split EP’s and compilations.

6. The Broken Penis Orchestra – the performance name of plunderphonics artist Stan Reed; Reed is based in Edmonds, WA, United States who since 2003 has released seven album and numerous EP’s – his most recent being the cassette only ‘Broken Runzel.eb Penis Gurgel.er Orchestra’ via Fragment Records, though my favourite is ‘3” Dick’ which was released on a 3” CD in 2004 via Psycho Records and included the track ‘On the Brink of a Wet Dream’

7. Cheap Knob Gags – Obscure techno outfit, they debuted in 1995 with an EP titled ‘# 1’ – I have been able to confirm they released the single ‘#4’ in 1997 – two tracks ‘Is There A Little Hampton On Your Map?’ and ‘Ding Dong Bell’ via their own Cheap Knob Gags label.

8. The Child Molesters – Arguably the very worst band name? Initially formed in 1977, Los Angeles, United States and active up until 1982, during which time they released half a dozen singles and EP’s including ‘Surfing With The Child Molesters’ before in 1994 leaving us with ‘The Legendary Brown Album’ (Sympathy for the Record Industry) the cover of which is a parody of The Beatles ‘White Album’

9. The Clits – Would you believe there are two bands going by this delicate moniker?

The Clits (Portugal) formed in 2006 and describe themselves as an electro- punk project guided by riot-grrrl philosophy. Influenced by Joy Division, Bauhaus, Siouxsie, Nina Hagen – In December 2007 they released the 7trk EP ‘The World is a Mess But My Hair is Perfect’. Despite their name the EP remains available on both iTunes and Amazon.

The Clits (Bendigo, Australia) – a three piece who in late 2013 released their debut 7” ‘Excuse Me’ via Anti Fade Records

10. Cock and Ball Torture – yet another grindcore outfit; this one a three piece from Bayern, Germany featuring Tobias Bürger (drums), Sascha Pahlke (vocals), Timo Pahlke (guitar, bass) – Formed in 1997 and debuted in 1998 with the 16trk ‘Cocktales’ – their most recent release being the compilation ‘A Cacophonous Collection’ on the Tokyo based Obliteration label; described as “one of the most retarded bands on the planet”

11. The Cumshots – Now disbanded Oslo based rock band, released their debut ‘Last Sons of Evil’ via local label Big Dipper Records in 2001, such was the demand it was repressed in 2004.

12. Cunts – Their name is usually referred to as The C*nts…Chicago based punk band active between 1978 and 1981, despite having a name that is generally considered one of the most offensive within the English language these boys managed to release three 7” singles, their final being ‘Penguins Addicted To Molases’ in 1981 which came out courtesy of Disturbing Records in a folded picture sleeve.

13. Evil Edna’s Horror Toilet – Not as blatantly offensive as other within the list, but can you really see yourself wearing a T-Shirt bearing this moniker? A synth/space rock outfit who back in 1986 self-released the cassette ‘Too Much Gristle in the Blancmange’

14. Fanny Bloom – Perhaps this artist shouldn’t be included within this list, as Fanny Bloom is her real name and not a chosen moniker; Ms Bloom hails from the rather small village of de Saint-Télesphore, in Montérégie, Québec; her most recent release being 2012’s ‘Apprentie guerrière’ – a frankly terrible trapped in the early 80’s synth pop excursion all sung in French.

Fuck – I suppose it’s down to timing, these days Fuck Buttons are the sound track to the Olympics, and Fucked Up tour the world; go back a few years and shops were prosecuted for displaying the Sex Pistols ‘Never Mind The Bollocks’ album.

When looking for bands with ‘fuck’ in their title I discovered over 100, the vast majority are without commercial releases, but of those with physical releases mention should go to Corpsefucking Art with three albums; Fuck..I’m Dead with two albums and four EP’s; Fuck Off And Die with three albums including ‘Sociopathic Regression’ from 2012; Fuck Shit Up hail from Russia and in 2003 released the album ‘Generation of Defecation’ via Blacksmith Records in one of the most unpleasant sleeves I have ever seen, The Fuck Ups who hailed from Norway; Ottowa based Fucked Corpse who released the 7” ‘Apple Meat / Rising Tide’ in 2007; The Fucking Machines who released a solitary 7” ‘Stole My Quarter’ in 2006; Philadelphia based Get Fucked who in 2004 released an eponymous EP via Level Plane Records described as “17 minutes of abrasive, rushed Screamo/Emo-Violence”; and if you are going to be offensive why not offend the religious at the same time – Jesus Fucking Christ managed it with their self-titled album on Inimical Records back in 2006; or upset the local Police department at the same time – Calgary based Motherfuckers had a go when the released the EP ‘I Wanna Be A Cop… So I Can Fuck You Up!! via Handsome Dan Records in 2008; New York based Piss Shit Fuck clearly thought fuck just wasn’t enough, they only released the one 7” ‘Use Your Delusion’ in 2006 so it appears others didn’t agree; Scumfuck are an Australian outfit who via Smell the Stench Records released the charmingly titled ‘Analblasting Rubberplug’ in a sleeve that is banned the world over; but on we go…

15. FistFuck – Questioned whether to include this Québec, Canada based grindcore outfit; despite the fact that they entitled their Grind It Records 2004 debut ’23 Songs in the Same Hole’ they obviously questioned the commercial viability of their moniker and chose to display the name with the letters S and K reversed- because that would encourage you to emblazon the name on an advertising hoarding!!

16. Fuck – Four piece of Timothy Prudhomme (vocals), Geoff Soule (drums), Kyle Darin Statham (guitar, violin), Theodore Scott Ellison (bass, piano) who hailed from Oakland, California and between 1993 and 2004 released six albums of Lo-Fi indie rock as well as numerous EP’s including the 1997 7” ‘Fuck Motel’ via Jagjaguwar Records

17. Fuck, the Retarded Girl – the performance name of Melbourne, Australia based Kyle Dennis who produces noise in similar vein to Merzbow, Whitehouse – Kyle has produced countless digital files, but has also released a few physical items including the 2008 7” ‘Unplayable’ (Cantankerous Records) which was exactly that… limited to just 7 copies; each 7″ spray painted, boiled in hot water and wrapped in duct tape; clearly its questionable if the records are those merely grabbed from a found skip. When I checked the website I was disappointed not to be able to buy a T-Shirt; perhaps they had sold out!!

18. The Gay – Accordion based girly pop from Vancouver, just the one album ‘You Know the Rules’ released in 2003 via Mint Records and featured a track ‘Robert Smith’ – not sure if that is reference to the Cure frontman? Either way, ask yourself, would you wear a T-Shirt emblazoned with the logo of The Gay?

19. Hitler SS – You would have thought naming yourself after the man responsible for one of the worst crimes in human history was off limits; not for these Italian punks who in 1978 released a 5trk split 7” with Tampax in 1978 on the Compact Cassette Record label, the suggestion being that the record was pressed in Vietnam as no European or US based label would touch it. Apparently the entire thing was recorded in just 15minutes – either way it was re-pressed in 2010 and instantly sold out.

20. Hot Buttered Anal – Four piece hardcore punk band from Rhode Island, USA – a solitary album release ‘Please Kill Me’ in 2006; surely ripe for re-issue.

21. Howling Willie Cunt – Bit of a legendary release this one; The rumour being that HWC is in fact a pseudonym of Ginger Wildheart. A single album release ‘World of Filth’ in 2006. Ginger has never actually admitted that he is Howling Willie Cunt, instead insisting that Howling Willie is another person that he (Ginger) met while in America and that Cunt is signed to his record label, Round Records.

Ginger likes his side projects and has another that could feature on our list – in 1999 he was a member of Super$hit 666 – The only Super$hit 666 release was an eponymous 6-track EP on Inferno Records released in 1999.

22. I Shit On Your Face – Now that would be a T-Shirt! Name chosen by a Brazilian gore band who sometimes go by the equally consumer friendly moniker IxSxOxYxF – have released at least 3 albums and numerous EP’s all of which have a fascination with faeces; their latest being ‘Defecation Domination’ released in 2013 via The Hole label and contained such delights as ‘Sinking Their Souls in the Slime of Sickness (The Impassible Seas of Manure Remain)’ – am sure the PRS collect lots from that one!

23. Kiss the Anus of a Black Cat – Based in Gent, Belgium this Neofolk, Gothic Rock, Darkwave outfit have been releasing material since 2005, their most recent album ‘Weltuntergangsstimmung’ being released on both CD and vinyl by OnderStroom Records; if you are interested all their releases are available at Amazon

24. Midget Handjob – I happen to really like the name, but it’s hardly going to encourage your local record shop to stock your album; members included Keith Morris (vocals)(ex Black Flag, Circle Jerks – who should be listed here), Jean “Lebear” Habermann (saxophone, flute), Kevin Fitzgerald (drums, guitar, trumpet), Quasar [Brandon Jay] (percussion, guitar), Jon Wahl (saxophone, piano, bass), Chris Bagarozzi (guitar, bass), Tony Malone (bass, guitar) – Left behind just one album ‘Midnight Snack Break at the Poodle Factory’ via Epitaph in 2000.

25. Motherfucker 666 – Was unable to find out much about this tenderly titled outfit; a three piece garage punk outfit built around Gregg Kostelich, Michael Kastelic, Bill von Hagen – they released a solitary self-titled album in 2006 via Get Hip Recordings, a label based in Canonsburg, USA.

26. Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head – Formed in 2005 when Luke Smith [aka Child Star] (guitar, vocals, keyboard, drum machine, programming, bass, glockenspiel), Shaun Libman [aka Hunksicle] (vocals, maracas), David Price [aka DaPree Sunn] (keyboard, guitar, vocals, cowbell), Claire England [aka MC Panini] (keyboard, vocals, tambourine, sleigh bells), Liam Down (electronic drums, drums) got together with the aim (possibly) of being in a band with a crap name – they succeeded, but also have succeeded in releasing a number of album’s including ‘Glistening Pleasure’ which came in an equally appalling sleeve.

27. Nazi UFO Commander – Described as a dark ambient band, released the album ‘Radiant Entropie’ in 2008 via the Italian label Old Europa Café.

28. Nazis From Mars – I even own an album by this now defunct Amsterdam based tech punks; turns out the self-titled album was to be their only album – released in 2001 via Astral Anarchy Records.

29. Neurotic Arseholes – Perhaps a sign that Germans do have a sense of humour? Formed back in 1979 and certainly active up until 1990 when they released the EP ‘… Just Do It for Fun’ via Crime Records

30. Nunfuckers – Clearly looking to offend everyone at once; Based in Ontario, Canada, they released the final EP ‘Dead and on the Floor’ in 1987.

31. Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis – And yes, it is spelt correctly! A made up word that apparently describes ‘a weird disease that contaminates carcasses, making them asplode(sic) while killing everyone in a two kilometers radius’ – A Mexican gore band who released an album entitled ‘Aromatica Germenexcitación en Orgías De Viscosa Y Amarga Putrefación’ – clearly influenced by the likes of Carcass the members go by the names Infection Cutane and Sensation Genital (vocals, guitars, bass), Ginecologic Cryptococcidioidomicosis (vocals, drums) – the sleeves of their releases are banned just about everywhere bar Mexico.

32. Penis Flytrap – Los Angeles based horror punk band active between 1994 and 2004, they released one album ‘Dismemberment’ in 2003 – as it sounded just like The Misfits people bought their stuff instead. Members included Dinah Cancer (vocals), Lucifer Fulci (bass), Elvorian Von Spivey (guitar), Hal Satan (drums) – Ms Cancer was later a member of 45 Grave and Castration Squad, who should also have their own entry on this list.

33. Pissing Razors – I recall the name, so perhaps they don’t deserve their listing? Groove metal band formed in 1994, El Paso, TX, United States, went on to release half a dozen albums including a self-titled one in 1998 via Noise Records, as far as we can tell their most recent being ‘Evolution’ in 2003, though clearly the name has not put people off as this one was re-released in 2009 via Polish label Metal Mind Records.

34. Poo – Slovenian two piece electronic band with a solitary release; ‘Fluorescent’ in 2005 via Czech label 11 Fingers Records

35. Premature Ejaculation – Formed in 1981 by Rozz Williams and performance artist Ron Athey, the band only had a short initial lifespan. This was in part due to their live performances which were so controversial and revolting that the duo soon found themselves unable get any more bookings (on one occasion Athey ate and regurgitated a recently deceased cat on stage). The project was put on hiatus within a year. Reformed in 1987 after Williams left Christian Death, the finally disbanded when Williams committed suicide in 1998. At least fifteen albums have been released, the final one being ‘Wound of Exit’ on Hollows Hill Records in 1998.

36. Priest In Shit – Describe themselves a noise/PE outfit, so to be fair they were never going to trouble the charts, released the album ‘Filth’ in 2011 via Italian label Urashima.

37. Rainbow Butt Monkeys – Wait till you see the artwork to their 1995 album ‘Letters From Chutney’ which was somehow put out via major Mercury Records – just the one album from these Canadians, I wonder why no one asked for that release?

38. Satan’s Almighty Penis – you can just see yourself rushing to HMV to order this one! Formed in 1999 in Cedar Rapids, USA, ‘Pulsing Feral Spire’ is the black metal bands second album and was issued via Pagan Flames Productions – the follow up to ‘Into the Cunt of Chaos’ – honestly!

39. Scrotumgrinder – Maybe they thought coupling the words had less impact? Florida based hardcore punk outfit certainly active up to 1999 when they released ‘The Greatest Sonic Abomination Ever’ via Californian based Prank Records

40. Selfish Cunt – Post punk band based around Martin Tomlinson (vocals), Patrick Constable (guitar), Matthew J. Saw (bass), Bambi (drums) who in 2004 released the album ‘No Wicked Heart Shall Prosper’ via Horseglue Records; don’t recall seeing any tour posters to promote it…that said they did make it onto the ‘Rough Trade Shops: Counter Culture 03’ compilation.

41. Spunk – Not just the title of a Sex Pistols bootleg; still active four piece free improvisation outfit from Oslo who have released six albums including 2013’s ‘Das wohltemperierte Spunk’ on local label Rune Grammofon – just can’t see the name on a poster outside Ronnie Scott’s.

42. The Surf Wankers – Another long time dis banded outfit I am unable to find much information about – Released a sole single ‘King of the Crunchers’ via VB Records and never made it out of Shelby, USA.

43. Syphilitic Vaginas – also known as 梅毒マンコ, and Baidoku Manko – three piece thrash metal from Japan featuring Masaru Iron Bitch (guitar, backing vocals), Yusuke Flamethrower (drums), Haruko Outlaw (vocals, bass) – have been signed to Texas based Rescued From Life Records for their career spanning at least four full albums and a 2009 7” ‘Satanic Masturbation’

44. Toilet Böys – five piece from New York; Miss Guy, Sean Pierce, Electric Eddie, Rocket, Adam Vomit whose 2001 self-titled debut was issued in both the USA and by Cargo for the European market. Most recently appeared on the 2011 compilation ‘Take It or Leave It: A Tribute to the Queens of Noise – The Runaways’ with a cover of ‘Born To Be Bad, the album also featured Shonen Knife and The Dandy Warhols

45. The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza – Not sure what the significance of the name is, but it hasn’t held back this US based metal band who in 2012 released ‘Danza IIII: The Alpha – The Omega’ on BMA Records

46. Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck – Another noise/PE outfit, who in 2007 released their eponymous album via Apop Records

47. Virgin Snatch – Long serving thrash metal outfit from Poland, who only last month released their latest album ‘We Serve No One’ via Mystic Production – you can even watch this one on YouTube, though we advise caution as you type the band’s name into your chosen search engine! Far safer if you head to Amazon who seem to stock all their material.

48. Wank – French techno outfit who in 1991 released the 12” ‘La Machine A Masturber’ via Mute Sonet Records

Wank – California based ska four piece; debut release ‘Paper Dolls’ came out in 2000, and in 2003 released the album ‘Get A Grip On Yourself’ both via Diablo Guapo Corporate Recordings – these are still available via Amazon.

49. The Wankers – Another Ontario based band added to our list – is there something in the water over there? Managed just one album 1986’s ‘Wanker’s Guide to Canada’ via Anthem Records; somehow I doubt it is used by the Canadian Tourist Board.

50. Other bands have tried to use numbers or even symbols as identifying marks – not all have failed, obvious exceptions include 999 and those that combine letters with numbers; B52’s, Front 242 etc.

Prince was pre-dated by many years when a forerunner of Underworld used just a glyph as the band name; CBS tried to market the single ‘Doot Doot’ but failed miserably, eventually the sound was written as Freur and the track charted. Melbourne based band → ↑ → pronounced with three clicks of the tongue, were active from 1979 onwards, and released a number of Australian only albums, they did have a track included on the US based Cleopatra Records compilation ‘Signal To Noise Set Vol 1’ in November 1981, but having to approach a store counter and clicking to the assistant evidently dissuaded the majority of potential customers.

Clearly having a moniker of questionable taste hasn’t hindered some artists – biggest exceptions being the Sex Pistols, Joy Division/New Order; so…with a little encouragement we could yet see Ass Pounder in the charts!

And as for the Bumsnogger CD? Absolutely fantastic, a seething rage of sludge, wailing voices, crashing beats and cavernous bass – its long since deleted, but if you find it – don’t let the name put you off!

Any others we have missed?

Part 2 published Jan 2015 – 50 More of the worst, most outrageous or just plain stupid band names ever – HERE