President Donald Trump delivers the State of the Union address as Vice President Mike Pence (left) and House Speaker Paul Ryan (right) look on Jan. 30, 2018, in Washington, D.C. (Win McNamee/getty Images)

People everywhere are praising Donald Trump’s mediocre, uninspiring State of the Union address simply because it was not terrible, which is akin to a woman telling a man who suffers from micropenis, “It’s not the size of the boat ... ”


Because Trump didn’t repeatedly start screaming the n-word like he does at the end of Cabinet meetings and at the end of phone calls with Omarosa, most people didn’t notice the racist dog whistles embedded in Trump’s address to the nation. To help you out, we took the transcript from the speech, highlighted his best instances of low-key racist quotes and ranked them, based on a list of criteria I made up.

Here they are, in some particular order:

10. The Steve Scalise Shoutout

With us tonight is one of the toughest people ever to serve in this House—a guy who took a bullet, almost died, and was back to work three-and-a-half months later: the legend from Louisiana, Congressman Steve Scalise.


Steve Scalise (R-La.) might be one of the most racist politicians in America (apologies to Steve King), but since being shot last summer, he has become the far-right proof that the “radical left” is targeting white men. To be fair, Scalise is known as a Louisiana legend. Even David Duke says, “Damn, that guy is racist as shit!”

9. African-American Unemployment Numbers

African-American unemployment stands at the lowest rate ever recorded, and Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in history.


Trump would have you believe he made it rain on blacks and Hispanics looking for work, but aside from the fact that most of the positive economic indicators are due to the policies of Barack Obama, Trump also conveniently forgets that he accused his predecessor of faking the unemployment statistics during Obama’s presidency:


Trump hasn’t done a single thing for black workers. The black unemployment rate (6.8 percent) is still nearly double the unemployment rate for whites (3.7 percent). Not to mention that Trump is working hard to dismantle the health care system, government assistance and educational opportunities that make it possible for minorities to get jobs.

Plus, he is personally responsible for the small bump in the black unemployment rate that occurred when he fired Omarosa.


8. The Mexicans Are Coming!

For decades, open borders have allowed drugs and gangs to pour into our most vulnerable communities. They have allowed millions of low-wage workers to compete for jobs and wages against the poorest Americans. Most tragically, they have caused the loss of many innocent lives. Tonight, I am calling on the Congress to finally close the deadly loopholes that have allowed MS-13, and other criminals, to break into our country. We have proposed new legislation that will fix our immigration laws, and support our ICE and Border Patrol Agents, so that this cannot ever happen again.


Trump used the “alt-right” scare tactic of citing criminal immigrants coming over here to take jobs, murder the Caucasian kids and rape white women. None of that is true.

The Brookings Institution; the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine; and the American Action Forum all show that immigration increases jobs and wages. There’s also the fact that undocumented immigrants both commit crimes and are incarcerated at lower rates than American citizens.


7. Stopping the People From “Shithole Countries”

The third pillar ends the visa lottery—a program that randomly hands out green cards without any regard for skill, merit or the safety of our people. It is time to begin moving towards a merit-based immigration system—one that admits people who are skilled, who want to work, who will contribute to our society, and who will love and respect our country.


We looked in the “Reference and Appendix to Caucasian Idioms, Sayings and Translations” (RACIST) and found that “merit-based” immigration policy translates to “only admitting white people,” despite the fact that Africans are the most educated group of immigrants in the U.S. and the fact that Donald Trump’s grandfather wasn’t educated, spoke little English and used “chain migration” to enter the country.

Speaking of chain migration ...

6. The Terrorists Are Coming!

In recent weeks, two terrorist attacks in New York were made possible by the visa lottery and chain migration. In the age of terrorism, these programs present risks we can no longer afford.


Trump would have you believe that terrorists enter the country via our lax immigration laws, but the reality is that most of the people who commit terrorism in the U.S. enter the country through an entirely different entryway:

The vaginas of white women.


5. Sympathy for White Crackheads

My administration is committed to fighting the drug epidemic and helping get treatment for those in need. The struggle will be long and difficult—but, as Americans always do, we will prevail.


Conversely, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in his war on drugs 2.0, still seeks to lock up people who smoke weed and throw away the previous administration’s policy of not seeking mandatory minimums.

Most researchers agree that treatment is the best way to combat illegal drug use, but apparently, the Trump administration only wants to utilize that for opioid addiction. The cure for the drug problem in the black community?


Jail.

4. Those Kneeling “Sons of Bitches”

Preston’s reverence for those who have served our nation reminds us why we salute our flag, why we put our hands on our hearts for the Pledge of Allegiance, and why we proudly stand for the national anthem.


Trump actually took time out of the State of the Union to address the NFL anthem protests! Of course, when deciding to talk about America’s problems, the fact that white people feel butt-hurt while watching football is far more important than Russia’s subversion of our democracy, police misconduct, the rise in hate crimes or sexual harassment—all things Day-Glo Donald left out of the State of the Union.

3. The Weird Statues Reference

Atop the dome of this Capitol stands the Statue of Freedom. She stands tall and dignified among the monuments to our ancestors who fought and lived and died to protect her. Monuments to Washington and Jefferson—to Lincoln and King.

This seemed innocuous to most people, while some wondered why the State of the Union detoured into a weird aside about the monument to freedom. If you look at the speech and remove that paragraph, it becomes even more paradoxical.


But this was a subtle shoutout to his base supporters who have a fetish for Confederate statues. You must recall the entire quote from Trump’s post-Charlottesville, Va., “both sides” comment:

And his subsequent tweet:


2. Here Come Da Judges!

Working with the Senate, we are appointing judges who will interpret the Constitution as written, including a great new Supreme Court justice, and more circuit court judges than any new administration in the history of our country. We are defending our Second Amendment, and have taken historic actions to protect religious liberty.


Trump is appointing more white male judges than any recent president. This includes Thomas Farr, called the product of the “modern white supremacist machine.” Judges “interpreting the Constitution as written” is reminiscent of Roy Moore, who—as a judge—said we should get rid of all the constitutional amendments after the first 10.

I looked up the second part, and RACIST says, “Protecting religious freedom” means “No gay wedding cakes or Shariah law.”


Also, if you didn’t get that Pigmeat Markham reference, you don’t deserve nice things.

1. America First

Most importantly, these four pillars will produce legislation that fulfills my ironclad pledge to only sign a bill that puts America first.


The Trump doctrine could be described as “America first,” but we should never forget the upstart 1920s group that originated that term: