What people don’t understand is that there doesn’t need to be a strong backlash for it to be difficult to be gay. It took me years to realize how hurtful questions and comments that appear inoffensive can be because they are so deeply ingrained within our heteronormative society. Growing up as a lesbian, I died a little bit inside every time someone asked me if I had a boyfriend or if I liked a boy. If people really have to pry, why can’t they just ask, “Are you in a relationship? Are you attracted to anyone?” Is it really that difficult to ask a question without inserting gender in every sentence?

Why will I have to spend my entire life justifying that I knew I was gay since I was 14 even though I have never had a sexual relationship with a man? If you are a straight person, no one has ever asked you to justify your attraction to the opposite gender. Yet, when I was 18, my mom told her lesbian friends I was gay, and one of them answered I was too young to know. Little did it matter that sexuality is fluid or that I had embraced my orientation for four years.

Why is it that in a movie about a queer topic, like “Harvey Milk,” a straight actor is praised for having to act in homosexual relationships? Is a queer actor ever praised for having the courage to act in a heterosexual role? Why is it that when I was watching a movie with graphic sex scenes, it wasn’t until two girls passionately made out that the people I was with commented that the movie was “a little too steamy”? When I asked them, “What about the previous straight sex scenes?”, all they could answer was, “It’s not the same.”

Growing up as a part of the LGBTQIA+ community hurts no matter how accepting or supportive your environment is. Words and jokes dig into your skin every day, and you stifle them and silence yourself. Everyone’s experience of their gender identity and sexual identity is different, but at their core lies a deep-rooted silence. When you do articulate who you are, you are then questioned, and pressured to explain yourself. I was told countless times, “You’re the first lesbian I’ve met,” and I was then expected to become a spokesperson for all lesbians. When I was 16, I wrote to my friend, “It’s hard being gay, but at the same time, it’s not, and I never thought of it as that. I always thought of it as why is it hard for people to understand?” It is not the responsibility of an LGBTQIA+ person to educate you. And it is not that difficult to understand the world outside of heteronormative terms. Instead of questioning queer people around you, do yourself and us a favor, and challenge your own thinking. Chances are, you’ll find there isn’t much you won’t understand if you are willing to look past your own experiences. And we will be grateful.