In wake of Andrew Luck unexpectedly retiring, many people have been questioning if this takes the cake as the weirdest, most unexpected story the sports world has seen. Which, of course it isn’t. Probably not top 1000 to be honest. It was a shock, no question. We all had to check that Schefter tweet over and over to make sure we hadn’t been Chaps’d. And we hadn’t. But “injured really good football player would prefer to live life not injured” was already a story this year when Gronk called it a career. It’s not an apples to apples comparison by any means but their cruxes align.

But it got me thinking: what are the strangest, non-criminal sports stories of the past decade? I wanted to separate this from something like Hernandez or Sandusky because yeah no shit those are all wild as hell and really makes this whole Luck situation seem mild at best.

Manti Te’o’s “Girlfriend” Lennay Kekua “Died”

Nothing new I could add here that you don’t already know. Easily, and I mean easily, the strangest sports story to come out in this last decade. I can’t imagine what would even come close. “Nationally beloved college football star has fake dead girlfriend” is tough to top without doing something super illegal. I’m sure hoaxes count as a type of crime, but oh well. I’m not smashing publish on this without the clear winner of the decade. Can’t do it. Wont do it. When a second round pick and Heisman runner-up from Notre Dame has a dead fake girlfriend that’s it that’s the strangest story of its era. Lennay Kekua didn’t fake die for nothing.

The Chicago Cubs Won A World Series

The Cleveland Cavaliers should also get a shoutout in here. It’s a little easier to get over that hump in a sport where you only need five players and one of those five happens to be an all time talent born in your backyard. Still though, horseshit was consumed at the parade, so it earned a mention. But shit man, the Cubs winning the World Series wasn’t something I saw coming. Even with Theo, it just didn’t feel like a thing that was going to happen in this reality. They had been snakebitten so many times in so many different ways. Oh what just because they finally got ownership and the front office on the same page that’s supposed to yield results? Organizational competence is supposed to be some cure-all for curses and bad juju? That’s all it takes? *checks notes* Yes, yes it appears so.

ESPN Hires A Catfish

ESPN’s Page 2 writer – a position held by the likes of Hunter S. Thompson and Bill Simmons – was being operated by a catfish. A person who had created years worth of content on lower-tier gambling sites, operating a Twitter account full time under the alias of Sarah Phillips, conning her way all the way to one of the more prestigious positions in the sports writing world without any red flags raised along the way. The story ends, as most do, with scams being run out of a T-Mobile store outside of Oregon State’s campus. And outside of when it first broke, I haven’t heard any follow ups, nothing. Radio silence. Which feels strange since, yanno, ESPN got the wool pulled over their eyes and that was that.

The Never-ending Markelle Fultz Saga

Markelle Fultz was a consensus number one overall pick. It wasn’t an Anthony Bennett situation. A consensus number one overall pick, whose offensive game was most often compared to JAMES HARDEN during his freshman season at Washington, straight up forgot how to shoot. Not only forgot how to shoot, but he was buried under mysterious injury after mysterious injury. Multiple misdiagnoses, zapruder style film of Fultz rehabbing in high school gyms, and finally a trade to the Magic ended his time in Philly. The Magic have already come out this summer and said they have no timetable for his return. I’ll never understand what happened. Maybe the rumors are true and he fucked up his shoulder riding ATVs. Maybe the pressure of being the top pick in the NBA was too much. And yet, somehow, not the strangest story to come out of Philly the past five years.

Bryan Colangelo’s Normal Collars & Burner Accounts

He had burner accounts, operated by his wife, criticizing the roster that he built, because the guys Hinkie drafted were out of shape and the guys Colangelo drafted couldn’t shoot. “Find a new slant” is forever tied to the internet basketball lexicon forever and always. There’s nothing about this story that isn’t funny. Kevin Durant will always be known as the burner account guy, and rightfully so, but Colangelo’s was so much funnier. Especially when you factor in that it cost him a job.

Big Dick Nick Won The Eagles A Super Bowl

Alright fine here’s a positive Philly story: Nick Foles straight up beat Tom Brady in a Super Bowl. Philadelphia nearly burnt to the ground. Rone and Caleb almost died in those streets that night. The Philly Special led to the birth of no less than 50,000 new children in the greater DELCO region of this nation of ours. The Eagles winning a Super Bowl was as unlikely as the Cubs hoisting the Commissioner’s Trophy, and that was with a healthy MVP-caliber Carson Wentz under center. Winning multiple playoff games AND then beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl was an incredible gauntlet for Foles to run. Underdogs in every single playoff game because of Foles, him hoisting that Super Bowl MVP trophy was as unlikely a story as you could write.

Vontae Davis Retiring At Halftime

Can’t talk recent, unexpected NFL retirements and not mention Vontae Davis last season. At least Andrew Luck gave the Colts a little heads up before the season started. My man just walked out of the stadium at halftime in full uniform, got in his car and drove home never to be heard from again. All time move that we should talk about more often.