REPORT: Mr. Fucking Big Shot Over Here Calls It “COVID-19” Instead of “Coronavirus

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local man and alleged “wannabe Patch Adams bitch” Dan Paulson is allegedly acting like “he cured polio or some shit” just because he calls coronavirus “COVID-19” and washes his hands frequently, instead of just after he takes a dump.

“My friend Giancarlo Skyped me — I figured he was going stir crazy from social distancing and needed to chat. Turned out, him and all my friends were out at some bar defying the governor’s orders, and they only called to mock me for being ‘afraid of a wittle [sic] virus,’” said Paulson. “It only got worse when I called it ‘COVID-19.’ They ripped on me pretty bad, then they insisted I’m actually not at risk of catching coronavirus because I’ve got my head buried so far up my own ass.”

Paulson’s friend who has defiantly touched her own face for the last three weeks, Tamantha Kramer, explained this just another example of Paulson “big-timing them.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Dr. fucking Quinn. How much Purell did you buttchug today, dipshit?” said Kramer prior to a violent coughing fit she insisted was from smoking. “Apparently ‘Medicine Woman’ locked himself away in a hyperbaric jerk-off chamber, and he’s ‘worried’ about my health just because I have a weakened heart valve from huffing paint solvent. But I told him the exact same thing I told my 84-year-old roommate — just because you’re worried about getting coronavirus, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop partying, Meemaw.”

However, coworker Ernest Webb insisted that despite taking COVID-19 seriously, Paulson has been spreading “dangerous misinformation” about the virus.

“I mean, it’s great that Dan is taking certain precautions… but he’s also the type of person that believes every bullshit myth peddled by Alex Jones,” Webb explained. “We spent the first 20 minutes of a Zoom meeting convincing him that gargling bleach is a terrible idea, and that coronavirus is not a Chinese plot to kill Betty White. All things considered, maybe he should just go out drinking with his friends?”

Currently, Paulson’s friends are planning a “hilarious prank” in which they break into his home, hold him down, and cough into his mouth.