Shelly and I spend a lot of time talking about how to do this and how to do that. We get feedback that this is helpful.

But lately, I’m getting curious about all the ways I and other parents do things completely off script, out of bounds and with little or no precedent. Outside the box, if you will.

I realize that when enough people do things “differently,” we create new norms and new trends—hence, the phrase “conscious parenting:” let’s choose what we want to create instead of just rehashing what our parents did just because it’s all we know. (We might still choose to do all or most things the same way, but choosing is different than repeating on auto-pilot!)

So, when my partner and I decided to separate, we did things very differently than most other folks I’ve met. In some ways, this came naturally, since we had a marriage that was pretty different, at least in some ways, from most. But that’s another story.



First off, we lived together for a year and a half after we decided we were no longer going to be romantic partners. For a long time, even though we had separate bedrooms, Cainan didn’t even know we weren’t “married” anymore. After all, we still did our daytime activities pretty much the same as before.

When he learned we’d be separating into two households, Cainan started to talk about the new arrangements with excitement in his voice. I asked him how he felt about the upcoming changes. He said, “Good,” and kept on talking.

Granted, he may have, and continue to have challenges around this. But it won’t be because we told him something bad was happening. We never sat him down and said, “We’re getting a divorce,” because those words never felt true to his dad and me. What was true was that we got along much better after splitting up, and are now extremely close, beloved family members—for keeps. This year and half has helped create a gentle transition. Because we’ve done everything so far without lawyers, the language we’ve used, the terms we’ve set, and the tone we’ve created, have all been our own, and all been, for the most part, infused with love and gentleness.

So, what Cainan knows is that “Da-da” and I need a situation where we each have a little more space to live our lives the way we want. He knows we’re still a family, still love each other (we hug a lot) and deal with most of our differences peacefully.

I realize I am extremely lucky, blessed, fortunate, or whatever you want to call it. Not everyone can create this kind of separation. I couldn’t have done it without a cooperative partner.

But my point is, when I looked around at how people did things, I saw much more abruptness and disconnect than I wanted. I saw systems, language and behaviors I would have been terrified and distressed to engage in. I, too, played a part in that I decided I wanted to do things outside the box. This decision helped create the situation I’m fortunate enough to find myself in now. Even though the decision to separate was difficult, and I went through a period of deep grief, I found peace on the other side. And my son’s dad kept his hand extended to me throughout.

Together, we created our own sweet, loving way to do things. Today, I remain as much a part of his extended family as ever. Love truly does make a family. We made our own way to this unusual reality.

And you can make your way to yours, too.

In fact, I bet you probably are doing a number of things your own way already, just because you’ve found something that works better than what you’ve heard (or maybe got an idea and ran with it?)

Do you have a situation in which you see the expected script but want to create your own? Or do you see a situation you’d like to create differently but aren’t sure how?

Please share what you’ve created, or would like to create in the comment box below…