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Ok, so I've seen you reference "Hoteps" before — with quizzes, video content, and even the way you conjugate certain verbs — but I don't think I've ever quite seen a clear definition or explanation on what makes a hotep a hotep. Would you mind providing one?


No problem! In this context, Hotep refers to Pan-African extremists who often infuse their Pan-Africanism with misogyny, a Trumpian relationship with facts and understanding of context, and a steadfast belief in bizarre and ridiculous conspiracy theories.

For instance?

The belief that menstruation is unnatural and only happens to Black women because of a European virus.


The what that what is what and what???

Exactly.

Like, you know how annoying some college students are the summer after freshman year, when they come home and think they all of a sudden know everything about everything just because they managed not to flunk out? Well, hoteps tend to be that way too, except add 30 years and a quart of ash, and substitute The Isis Papers for English 101.

So, hotep doesn't necessarily describe people who are just Pan-African?

No. Just the people who use Afrocentricity as a Trojan horse; giving their regressive fuckshit a veneer of authenticity and respectability. I actually wouldn't even call these people pro-Black, because their pro-Blackness doesn't extend to the LGBTQ community, Black women who happen to be feminists, and Black men who see through and call out their bullshit. Basically, anyone who doesn't subscribe to the belief that the (straight) Black man's dick is an unimpeachable Yahweh.


Does the hotep community have leaders?

America's most prominent hotep is probably Tariq Nasheed, creator of Hidden Colors, which is essentially the hotep syllabus and seems poised to replace Booty Talk as the longest running Black documentary series. There's also Dr. Boyce Watkins, a man who just really needs a spa day or something. And then there's Dr. Umar Johnson, who apparently got his PhD at the same school that granted Dr. Pepper a degree, and has been raising money for years to fund a school that doesn't exist. I suspect he's using the donations to splurge on Muscle Milk and Snickers Ice Cream Bars.


I've seen Dr. Umar Johnson's name on Facebook recently. Didn't he just realize some type of video?

Yes. A 45-minute-long rant against someone called a General Sara Suten Seti. It's basically Hotep Loaded Lux versus Hotep Murda Mook. The only thing missing is Dr. Umar screaming "You gonna get this work!"

You really expect me to watch 45 minutes of this shit?

Only if you want to be entertained.

By what?

By his enunciation. At the 1:32 mark, this nigga pronounces "protracted" so hard that I felt a blood vessel burst in my neck. By the fact that he says he's in Florida — and looks to be in a hotel room — but is rocking a Philadelphia Phillies knit stocking cap. By the gallon of sweat you know accumulated in his cap. That cap probably weighed 18 pounds by the end of his rant. By him saying "look at my face when you're talking to me" at the 3:20 mark, like he's Skyping that nigga instead of staring at himself. By his impressively worded stream of prison bunk bed consciousness. By "SPEAK YOUR SPEECH, NIGGA!" — which I'm totally putting on a shirt to add to our line at Tees In The Trap. By "All your information comes from other niggas books!" which is such a bizarre insult because that's where everyone gets information from. Unless Dr. Umar Johnson is wishing information into existence; conjuring it from the aether. (Which, all things considered, actually makes sense.) By the fact that, for someone who is so anti-gay, this rant is homoerotic as a motherfucker. At 5:55 he says "You think I aint study your little nut ass, nigga" with fury and intensity, which is a pretty damn gay thing to say. Not that there's anything wrong with studying little nigga's nut asses. Study all the little nigga nut asses you desire! But I'm just saying. By "I'm Melanated, Bitch" which totally sounds like a Soundcloud-only bonus track off of a Solange album. By him stating that he "called an elder's meeting," and my hurt feelings that I received nan email or text or Facebook invite about said meeting. (I'm an elder now too, nigga!)


By the fact that everything I just said happens in the first seven minutes of this video. Theres's 38 more minutes of this!!!

What exactly is he so angry about?

Who knows? Just know that everything you need to know about hoteps — who they really are, what they're really about, their peculiar attire, their relationships with lotion, their use of the word "cracker" (which NO ONE else actually says anymore) — can be found here. This "war" is like cow dung beefing with steer dung. It's all bullshit.


That was clever.

Thanks!