Remember Nigel Farage’s infamous racist poster? Well, it turns out the real thousands of people queuing up bringing us to breaking point is the Tory leadership campaign.

I’ve been trying to ignore a lot of it, because at the moment the news seems to be an endless cycle of shit Tory men in shit shorts jogging along spouting their shit opinions, and yes, I’m aware this sentence is turning into a John Cooper Clarke poem. The battle for PM? EVIDENTLY CHICKENSHIT.

Earlier this week, the Guardian published a story about moles which included the detail: “Moles eat their body weight in worms every 12 hours.” And honestly, that would be preferable.

But let’s break it down so far, before Priti Patel enters the race, at which point I will be leaving the country and never returning. At least this would please Patel, bringing net migration down – something she is very keen on, despite being the child of migrants.

Rory Stewart

I have some serious thoughts about all of you lusting over Lawrence of Belgravia on social media.

They are mostly along the lines of: 1) there seem to be a lot of people On The Internet who think Stewart has a chance of becoming leader, which makes me think there are a lot of people who don’t understand the Tory leadership process. And 2) it is dispiriting to see that a guy can throw up a few friendly self-taken videos and not be objectively awful, and then have, in some cases, actual political commentators opining that he would be an excellent prime minister, as though that’s all the rigorous analysis and evidence needed.

All this despite the fact that one of those videos, taken in Kew Gardens, was quite obviously not a self-taken video, but Stewart waving his stiff, outstretched arm around like someone attempting to flick a light switch with a crutch, to give the impression he was holding a cameraphone. “Are you pretending to hold your phone?” asked a BuzzFeed journalist on Twitter. Some hours later, Stewart tweeted his reply: “Yes.”

Rory Stewart (@RoryStewartUK) Now - if anyone is around and wants to talk - in Kew Gardens - for the next hour pic.twitter.com/E45A26Y5uR

Points for honesty. But no points for introducing such trivial deceit so early in the game which, frankly, does not bode well when it comes to not lying about non-trivial things in the long term.

OK, I will concede that he’s the best individual of the bunch. He actually seems to know what he is talking about, though it’s unfortunate that in an analogy about World Trade Organization terms, he managed to compare the UK to a bin.

I just worry this will all go to his head. Because even though he seems an affable man, not for a second do I believe this kid hasn’t planned his campaign right down to the fine grain of Afghan sands he keeps talking about. (“If I was to walk with a dog from New York City to New Jersey, would I become an expert on US politics?” a prominent Afghan businessman archly asked in the New Yorker.)

Sure, his current Twitter handle might be @RoryStewartUK, but soon he’ll be all @RoryOfficial or @TheREALRoryStewart, and then someone will find a 2006 forum post about how he once used a hedgehog as a means of getting some hair out of a brush and the backlash will begin.

Dominic Raab

A total a-hole. An aa-hole. Raab is the bad boy candidate, the villain archetype of the campaign. Which, for the Tory party, is like saying he’s the bit of yeast in a loaf of bread. There’s been some banter online as to whether Raab is, in fact, a bit fit. And look, we’ve had enough fake news already, so I’ll be honest and say that he is. But he also has a squiggly and prominent temple vein that calls to mind a bird’s eye view of the winding mountain road in a French car advert. And it worries me that it could blow at any point.

Of course, it doesn’t actually matter what Raab looks like. In fact, it’s the kind of male objectification that reinforces his belief that there should be no double standards when it comes to sexism or prejudice. Raab says he would not call himself a feminist, which really isn’t a surprise given that he has before called feminists “obnoxious bigots”. Except that Raab calling other people obnoxious bigots is the same as when the cat hisses at itself for a long time in front of the hall mirror, isn’t it?

ITV News (@itvnews) 'I'm all for working women making the very best of their potential'



Dominic Raab says he is a 'champion of equality and meritocracy' but not a feminist https://t.co/97wVNes3IQ pic.twitter.com/L39BfVasSt

Esther McVey

Jesus Christ. Let’s start with McVey’s recent utterance on her leadership campaign: “It takes a very special kind of personality to grow up in Liverpool the same time I did and then join the Conservative party.”

I can think of other words for it.

McVey’s entire pitch so far seems to consist of throwing LGBT+ people and also children under the bus. Her opinion is that parents should be able to pull their kids out of sex and relationship lessons that mention the existence of same-sex families, which, aside from being the opposite of government policy, is quite obviously a gross and discriminatory stance. I will henceforth be calling her McGay just to annoy her.

In terms of her political record, McGay has had to apologise to parliament for lying to it. Challenged about this by a BBC presenter whose job it is to scrutinise those in public office, McGay replied:

“If I’ve made one mistake, it was actually coming to the house to apologise because people like you constantly go on about it.”

None of this is really a great prelude to becoming prime minister. But who even cares any more?

Sky News (@SkyNews) "Parents know best for their children."



When asked about protests over LGBT classes, Tory leadership candidate Esther McVey told #Sunrise parents should have "final say on what they want their children to know".



Teachers are in tears as the row worsens: https://t.co/N8qwCQBkcA pic.twitter.com/Dmo5KGEyUV

McGay, who once lost her seat before being reelected in a different constituency, has also said she would endeavour to take hundreds of thousands of people off disability payments because “bodies heal”.

Remember as a kid, when you used to watch the television or listen to the radio or whatever and think of all those clever people running the country? And then you hit adulthood and you think, wow, look at these people running the country – or imagining themselves capable of doing so – and they are, how to phrase this, just outrageously thick? Of course some contenders are smarter than others, but we’re talking cigarette papers here.

Side note: I recently learned that McGay is a Liverpool FC supporter and I just want to state here, on record, that this is not allowed.

Jeremy Hunt

Jeremy Hunt is apparently a bit miffed that his day job as foreign secretary is getting in the way of his leadership press (though he was sure to get in early interviews with the Evening Standard and New Statesman).

So to help out a little, Jeremy Hunt: here are your best bits! That time Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, and worth millions, claimed 24p in expenses for travelling half a mile. That time Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, almost decapitated someone while ringing a bell. Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, calling his Chinese wife Japanese.

Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, with the great habit of standing in front of things in a bad way, like a whiteboard containing confidential NHS patient information, or in front of the letter “o” in a sign saying “country”, beautifully cropped.

Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, being delivered an 8ft replica of a textbook titled How to Read a Paper: The Basics of Evidence Based Medicine, after continuously misrepresenting medical data as health secretary. Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, being presented with a giant gold phallus for winning Dick of the Year award. Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, pulling the emergency stop cord in a train loo instead of flushing. Jeremy Hunt, potential prime minister, being followed by a sousaphone player (twice) to outline the fact his modus operandi is apparently just gaffes.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘Jeremy Hunt’s modus operandi is apparently just gaffes.’

It’s true that Hunt is one of the more intelligent in the line-up. But with this track record, we can’t be sure his whole premiership wouldn’t be the equivalent of pulling a push door for four solid years.

Matt Hancock

Hancock’s most prominent bit of leadership-bid PR to date is a Newsnight interview, in which he said he should be leader because “I just think we need a fresh face”, which is actually a pitch for his rival, Mark Harper. Who? Exactly.

The interview also included this beautiful exchange, courtesy of Emma Barnett. Hancock: “The best option is to leave the European Union with a deal. I’ve been absolutely clear about that.” Barnett: “Why then, this morning, on television, in another interview, did you say that if Boris Johnson was prime minister … and he took us out without a deal, that you would support it?”

Hancock’s other intervention has been an interview he gave to the Financial Times+ in which, referring to Johnson’s “fuck business” comments, he said: “To those who say, ‘fuck business’, I say “fuck ‘fuck business’”. I just don’t think saying “fuck fuck” sounds that cool. Speaking of which, we need to address the outfit Hancock wore earlier this week, in public, which should rule out anybody running for the highest office.

We are STEAM Co. (@ST3AMCo) “I DON’T WANT TO SEE...



...any more division in this country...



I want to see ART used to CONNECT us all”



Health, Art, Culture, Digital and Minister of Connection @MattHancock sings from the #ARTCONNECTS19 Festival hymn sheet @myrunwaygroup pic.twitter.com/wELSgYow2Q

James Cleverly

Anyone with even a passing nod to intelligence has already pointed out that this surname, and being the MP for Braintree, is rather amusing re the fact that Cleverly comes across as not even not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but basically a spoon.

Cleverly’s sole campaign action so far seems to be making a video to mock Stewart’s selfiegate, but given that I’m about to link to the Daily Express as the sole source to have picked this up, you can see the level of cut-through that managed. As I said, spoon.

Sajid Javid

I really wish I knew what Sajid Javid’s dad used to do for a living. I just think we need to know. I don’t think he can be prime minister without keeping this secret any longer. Why is he so reticent about this? I’m so sick of him not mentioning it.

Jesse Norman (yet to announce)

Swipe left.

Kit Malthouse

As above.

Andrea Leadsom

The finest bit of investigative journalism I ever did was when I unearthed that Leadsom had made a Twitter list titled “Andrea Leadsom” that consisted of a single account: her own. It’s the kind of outlandish thinking that will set her apart and lead(som) her to success. True, it’s only a matter of time before her fellow Brexiteers realise she is the twin of Jean-Claude Juncker and secretly working against them, but she might just get away with it.

I cannot believe I’m saying this, but Leadsom wouldn’t, given the absolute state of everything, be the worst pick. But this is mostly because I’ve been obsessed with her snide ongoing battle with John Bercow and I live for the messy drama.

Mark Harper

Steve Baker

Steve Baker hasn’t even formally announced his candidacy yet, but there he is posting extremely cringe videos on Instagram. The best of these saw Baker wearing a jumpsuit and harness and went, verbatim, thus:

“I just want to say an absolutely huge thank you to everyone who voted for me on the ConservativeHome survey, putting me fourth in the leadership contest. Obviously that’s a very serious thing … I’ll have to mull it over.

“I’ll have a big meeting tomorrow with some senior colleagues to discuss what I should do. But in the meantime, I’m at a drop zone where I’m going to be going sky diving.”

Michael Gove

A key weapon in Gove’s arsenal is his extremely cute dog, bichon frise Snowy, who occasionally appears peeping around the Gove household door. A bit like how, before Zac Goldsmith revealed himself to be a massive racist, one could appreciate his adorable miniature dachshund, Otto, who would trot alongside him as he leafleted.

Snowy actually once came second in a Westminster Dogs of the Year competition, which is a thing. I won’t pretend I don’t have a lot of respect for the decision of the MPs who entered their pooches into this competition, because I do.

I have nothing else to say on Gove except that he is merely the Macbeth to Sarah Vine’s Lady Macbeth.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Gove, Snowy, Andrew Mitchell and his spaniel, Scarlett Photograph: REX/Shutterstock

Boris Johnson

I have so little respect for this man that it’s verging on a hate crime. I actually don’t even want to spend time on this human whoopee cushion, who will almost certainly end up our prime minister, on the say-so of a vastly unrepresentative Tory selectorate. But sure, it’s the idea of a second referendum that’s undermining our democracy.

Penny Mordaunt

Penny Mordaunt is yet to announce, but reportedly will do so shortly. This is the main thing I think about when I think about Penny Mourdant:

You are now up to speed. I am off to eat my body weight in worms.

• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist