HERSHEY, PA—Touting the treat as perfect for slavering gluttons such as yourself, the Hershey Company unveiled some new chocolate bullshit for you to cram into your fat maw Thursday. “We are proud to announce the release of our new chocolate bullshit, which features multiple layers of wafery detritus dipped in some chocolatey crap and sprinkled with some other candy shit, an enticing, sensual, and ungodly combination of flavored shit we’re positive you’ll love ramming down your insatiable, sugar-craving gullet,” said Hershey’s CEO Michael Buck in a press release, which also noted that the product will come in three different varieties and five sizes, although you probably won’t even notice that as your pudgy, sweaty fingers frantically tear the wrapper off the largest of those bastards and wedge the confection into your chocolate-smeared piehole. “You can break it off piece by piece, or what’s far more likely, inhale it through your ravenous muzzle all at once, filling every nook and cranny in your porcine cheeks, laboriously reducing it to a hideous slurry with your chalky, cavity-ridden teeth, then slurping it all down into your bloated cloaca. Inside this sinister wad of pure sugar, cheap cocoa powder, and emulsified butterfats we engineered, we’ve also drizzled on some caramel jizz atop an extra choco-sucrose glaze to ensure you spike the sugar content of your syrupy blood almost the instant this sweet treat invades the tortured sack of suet that was once your digestive tract. God help you, you love it, don’t you? Christ, you’re disgusting.” Buck later went on to add that Hershey’s will also be releasing seasonally shaped and packaged versions, in case you swine need monthly reminders to gorge yourselves like the sacrificial cattle you are.

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