R unning on a “Smaller government, Bigger monster” platform, Cthulhu has recently announced his candidacy for US President! His many cult followers believe he’s just the scary, tentacled deity to become our next overlord Commander in Chief! After all, there’s nothing like the constant threat of destruction and a never-ending reign of terror to whip a country into shape!

So, who would everyone’s favorite Elder God nominate for his Cabinet?

Vice President – Lars Ulrich

Photo: Jacob Dinesen

Long enamored with Metallica’s album Ride the Lightning, Cthulhu wouldn’t hesitate to bring Lars Ulrich on as his right hand man. A “Cthulhu/Ulrich” ticket has a certain ring to it, after all.

First order of business: Change the National Anthem to “Call of Ktulu.”

Chief of Staff – Robot H.P. Lovecraft

Photo: Lucius B. Truesdell/Arkham House

No one knows Cthulhu’s personal and professional needs as intimately as his creator, long-deceased American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. Cthulhu would kidnap the best robotics engineers in the world and force them to create a state-of-the-art Lovecraftbot, who would keep the White House’s West Wing running in a most efficient and creepy way.

First Order of Business: Invest billions upon billions of dollars into a fully revamped space program.

First Lady – Octomom