After the optimism of International Women’s Day, it’s back to the hard reality of misogyny The number of women killed by men is increasing, and girls are less happy than they were in the 1990s

Last week it felt good to be a woman. International Women’s Day (IWD) shindigs were organised in humble halls, posh venues, schools, universities, workplaces and some homes too. We gathered, laughed, sang, chatted, debated, mentored, dressed in finery, vented anger, shared hopes and desires.

Men wished us well. Well, some did. An old classmate, a pharmacist, asked me: “What more do you ladies want? You have everything. We men are nothing now.” The killjoy spoke for many. Male self-pity and exasperation is inescapable.

I’m sure righteous, equalist men would distance themselves from such garbage. And we thank them for that. But do these good guys really know how bad it is out there, still, for women and girls of all races, ages, and classes? Do they want to know? Not really. The truth is uncomfortable and divisive. So let’s just be positive shall we?

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On yesterday’s ‘Thought For the Day’ on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Rev Dr Sam Wells, a velvety vicar, did just that. God, he pronounced, being caring and nurturing, embodied “female virtues”, as though it is a woman’s duty to be these things. His unholy words defined and confined women. More seriously, he seemed clueless about the current hostile, sexist environment.

I am writing a book on gutsy women. The female MPs, editors, CEOs and celebrities I interviewed told me they were constantly on edge and anxious, often afraid. Several brought up the murder of Labour MP Jo Cox and suicide of TV presenter Caroline Flack, who was buried on Tuesday.

Female power and fame beget real danger. The rest are not spared. Girls and women suffer constant indignities and terrible pressures. Our advanced nation unquestionably offers opportunities our mums and grans could not dream of. The terrific new film Misbehaviour, about a Miss World contest in 1970, tells it as it was. However, progress is not linear and necessary changes bring opposition, some frenzied and feral.

Online the worst of men spume misogynist vitriol; in public spaces they leer, touch and intimidate; at work they find ways to keep us in our places; and at home women and girls are forced to submit to them. Let me say emphatically, that this is not a slur on all men and boys. Many men are kind, supportive and stalwartly feminist. But reactionary maleness is resurgent and needs to be recognised.

The number of women murdered by men is increasing. Of the 149 women killed by men in 2018, only nine were killed by strangers. Domestic violence and stalking, both forms of terrorism, are appallingly common.

I spoke at some events for IWD. At one Gina Miller, the prominent Remainer, described what it is like to meet a man who wants to kill you. At another, undergraduates told me rape is rife on campuses and that university authorities are suppressing the information.

Asha, a mixed race doctor, is leaving the hospital where she works because of the sexist culture: “The young ones see us as unfair competition and so it’s constant undermining. A registrar tried to kiss me in a pub. When I pushed him away, he slapped me and walked off. Our colleague, also a man, then said men just didn’t know what is allowed anymore.”

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Confidence is read as aggression, strong opinions are seen as controversial, we must never be difficult, never come across as ambitious. If we cry we are weak and if we complain we are uptight and feeble. Perfection is another cross to bear. You are only worth it if you have a perfect body and face, perfect clothes and make up, perfect sex, a fit lover. Yet those who have achieved all that must be brought to their knees or driven to self-destruction. They must be taught they can’t have it all. This is in the UK, not Afghanistan or Iran.

A report by the Children’s Society in 2018 found that girls have become increasingly unhappy in recent years. Between the late 90s and 2010, they were happier.

When my daughter was born in 1993, I felt indescribable joy and huge optimism. She would have a more fulfilled life than generations of women who had come before. Last week, a colleague’s pregnant daughter confessed she fears for her unborn daughter and what awaits her. That’s how dark the world has become. And why after IWD revelries, we must return to that long hard road and take up the struggle all over again.