It’s a fact of life: Everyone wants shinier hair! Glossy locks also indicate all-around good health, including a balanced diet that’s probably rich in fish oils! Here’s how to get gorgeous, shiny hair that will let the whole world know your body is like a well-oiled machine, and that machine’s job is churning out lots of healthy shits.

Stay hydrated (for the shits).

Water is crucial to making every part of your body function at its full potential, and one side effect of hydration is your light-reflecting, stunning head hairs! Your glossy, lustrous hair will catch everyone’s attention, and once you’ve got it, they’ll be thinking, “This hydrated lady must have smooth, yet solid turds coming out of her butt whenever she wants!” You’re not one to brag but…they aren’t wrong!

Eat iron-rich foods (again, this helps with the shits).

Nothing will take your hair shine to the next level like a diet full of iron-rich foods such as leafy greens, beets, and fish. But your scalp won’t be the only one thanking you for this super-food kick. That’s right: Your asshole will also be thankful while forceful, tidy poops shoot out of it. You get the message, and so will everyone else, shit queen!

Oil everywhere (to let the shits slide out better).

Just because general nourishment is at the core of hair luster doesn’t mean there aren’t some topical approaches as well. Try out a coconut oil hair mask before you hop in the shower, and while you’re at it, rub that all-powerful substance everywhere else on your body, too. Your lubed up butt eye will barely have time to say “au revoir!” as sturdy stools whiz past like so many chunky toddlers on a water slide. Can a toddler go on a water slide? Who cares! You shit good, you don’t have to worry about analogies (except the ogies that come out of your anal! Again, it’s not about the words).

Up the probiotics (just for shits).

You don’t even have to take probiotics. Just carry them around and everyone know will you’re a gleaming haired healthy girl with some grade-A logs on the way. Yes, poopy!!

So try out these tips, and enjoy all the perks of a soft hair, big shit lifestyle. People will notice!