I never expected to like this book. Just from the title I knew it wasn't for me, but so many people spoke highly of the book, so I read some reviews... And my opinion remained the same. This wasn't for me. Nothing about it appealed to me, and so I had no interest in ever reading it. But, it was chosen for my bookclub, and so I read it. Technically. And now I am going to rant about why I wish I hadn't. In detail, which means there's gonna be spoilery stuff, probably.



Here we go:



I don't like readi

tedium

enduring

I never expected to like this book. Just from the title I knew it wasn't for me, but so many people spoke highly of the book, so I read some reviews... And my opinion remained the same. This wasn't for me. Nothing about it appealed to me, and so I had no interest in ever reading it. But, it was chosen for my bookclub, and so I read it. Technically. And now I am going to rant about why I wish I hadn't. In detail, which means there's gonna be spoilery stuff, probably.Here we go:I don't like reading about circuses or parties or scenes of revelry and dreamlike wonder.I don't like reading about unrestrained, no-holds-barred magic that is only limited by the imagination of the magician, with no boundaries or explanation of how it works.I don't like magical realism.I don't like endless descriptions of every-fucking-thing ever.I don't like books without a point or plot or reason for existing beyond their own wank.And I REALLY don't like insta-love and completely unrealistic "love will find a way" stories. (And don't give me crap about it being fantasy either. That's just a shit cop-out for lazy storytelling.)Annnnnnnd since that's exactly what this book was, it should come as no surprise that I did not enjoy it.I know. I'll give you a moment for this revelation to settle.Ugh. Reading this (or I should say listening to it- but more on that in a bit) was mind-numbingly tedious and just all around awful. I can't think of a single thing that I enjoyed about this book. I can't even say, "Oh the writing was good" because the writing was so fucking purple that I feel like the Purple People Eater mistakenly ate something that didn't agree with him, perhaps one of the oh-so-interesting guests at Mr. Lefevre's parties, mmm? And then it shat out this book.So we have ENDLESS descriptions of parties, endless descriptions of the food at the parties, and the people at the parties, and the clothes the people at the parties are wearing, and how OH SO EXCLUSIVE the parties are, which is good, because for fucking fuck's sake if I had to endure MORE guest descriptions I think I might really have ice-picked my own face.Then we have ENDLESS descriptions of the circus, and the tents in the circus, and the ground at the circus, all of the signs at the circus and on the individual tents, and the food at the circus, and the non-tent attractions at the circus, and everything you can imagine at a circus and even 50 things you can't. And let's not stop at one example, or two examples, let's have ALL of the examples. If there's 12 chimes on the CLOCK during the lighting of the bonfire and each corresponds to an arrow fired into the cauldron where the fire will soon be lit, we have to have every last one of them described, in detail, with the seconds leading up to the first chime spelled out too (DRAW, NOTCH, PULL....RELEASE!). Described to the point of brainmush, in fact. Perhaps Erin Morgenstern thinks she's the only person on the planet with any imagination, because her descriptions left absolutely nothing for anyone else to imagine.Oh, no, I take that back. We get to imagine all the stuff she DIDN'T describe to death... or even bother to include. You know, like the plot. Or the magical education specifics. Or the moves in the OH SO IMPORTANT Challenge (capital C) that is apparently, supposedly, the point of this book's and the circus's existence. We are allowed to imagine that stuff, because, though we're told that they exist, THESE things are apparently not even important enough to warrant any explanation at all. Not when we have super vital things like CLOCKS to describe and hint at incessantly!Speaking of the Challenge-slash-Duel-slash-Competition thing... Could it have possibly been more lame?"The first move has occurred. The earth shook and I felt a disturbance in the Force!""What was the move? What does it mean? What happens now? Does this mean this story is going to actually start soon?""Hmm? What move? OH, hey! Wanna see my dress? Let me describe it to you!...""FML. I can't even. I just.... Can't."And that's the duel, until the point when *gasp* THIRTY YEARS AFTER BEING BOUND TO THE CHALLENGE, they find out what the fucking stakes are... and then they do (wait for it...)Nothing. The universe does all the work and these two "main characters" just get moved around like chess pieces. Only chess pieces have a purpose, unlike Marco and Celia.Moving on... I hated the way the story jumped around in time. And I REALLY REALLY hated the lapses into 2nd person narrative to take me inside the circus. I don't like circuses, and especially don't like(imagine me saying that with as much disgusted sarcasm as possible). I don't give two craps about the endlesstents of the circus, so those parts were boring as hell for me.I would also love to know how a pregnant woman in the late 19th, early 20th century would know that she's having twin babies, specifically. There was no sonograms back then, no ultrasounds to show Mom and Dad their little bun(s) in the oven, so short of X-ray vision, or some sort of precognition (which seems more likely), there's no way that anyone could have known. But no explanation is given for that little tidbit. We're just supposed to say, "OK then!" and let our eyes glaze over with the next 15 or 20 mentions of clocks, I guess.And then there's Jim Dale, who read the audio. I just can't stand him. I just can't. His voice and reading style make me angry. I hate when readers have to do the voices and can't let characters speak for themselves. He gave these characters voices that completely clashed with my impressions of them, and it was distracting. Not that any of the characters were truly remarkable on their own, but I'd rather them be unremarkable than memorable for being a distraction from their own story.But, speaking of characters, I didn't care about any of them. At all. Literally. I couldn't have cared less if an enormous sinkhole opened up and swallowed up the entire circus. No big loss. None of the characters were real enough for me to care about. Oh, we're told all about their personalities and whatnot, but for all Morgenstern's showing of everything else, her characterization leaves quite a lot to be desired.Marco apparently thinks it's OK to lead on his girlfriend for years, while cheating on her RIGHT UNDER HER NOSE... but that's OK, because he just erases those memories. No harm, no foul!Celia is just a Mary Sue. I actually forgot that "the illusionist" was her sometimes, because both could have been anyone. There's absolutely nothing interesting about her at all. Her magical abilities aren't a substitution for personality, you know.Celia doesn't even say Marco's name until the last 3rd of the book, and then only at his specific request. But I'm supposed to believe they are in love. Uh huh.But they have to be in love, otherwise the Love Shall Overcome deus ex machina trope that needs to die a horrible painful death would be out of place! Can't figure out how to legitimately get out of the corner you wrote yourself into? It doesn't matter! As long as the two Insta-Lovebirds are together, nothing can harm them or happen to them. The universe will (apparently) conspire to bring about the one solution that will be timed perfectly (know what shows the time? CLOCKS.) and will make EVERYONE a winner. Because everyone gets their reward if they just show up and then give up. Whenever there's a winner, there's also a loser, and losers are sad. The universe won't let you be sad, so it'll change EVERYTHING around to make sure everyone's a winner! No hurt feelings here!You'd think, that by the end, the glorious, long-awaited end, I'd have known better than to assume that there would be a proper ending, or any kind of sacrifice or trial or... broken nails or even a dirty dress or SOMETHING. Nah. Silly me. The end was so ridiculously "perfect", and fell together so effortlessly, that the ridiculousness actually cost me IQ points.What was the point ofreading this book? It has nothing to say except the tired "If you just love ENOUGH, you can do anything" shit that only tweens actually believe.So. There's no point, endless, tedious descriptions of things I couldn't care less about, the lamest conflict EVAR, and insta-love to boot.I wish I could give this negative stars.