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1. Fix Brexit

2. Unite his party

3. Convince Remainers they're wrong

4. Make the Lib Dems go away

5. Persuade smugglers to complete online paperwork

6. Recruit Northern Irish border guards who are not suicidal or members of the IRA already

7. Talk straight

8. Remove flammable cladding from 2,028 buildings he never visits

9. Make Jeremy Corbyn look dangerous

10. Make Theresa May look incompetent

(Image: REUTERS)

11. Make food banks unnecessary

12. End the housing crisis

13. Win a vote of no confidence

14. Keep his flies done up

15. Stop racist attacks on Muslims

16. Make his extended family poorer

17. Reverse austerity

18. Do the maths. Any maths

19. Make anyone believe the Olympics that Ken Livingstone delivered are proof of his political competence

20. Correct any of the absolute bollocks he's written and said over the years and which others still repeat

(Image: PA)

21. Remove Rory Stewart

22. Put the needs of the taxpayer who will pay him £150,402 a year above the needs of the billionaire Barclay brothers, who have paid him £2.7m since 2001

23. Choose wisely

24. Protect the NHS

25. Protect the BBC

26. Seduce business

27. Negotiate. With anyone. About anything

28. Talk to the Mirror Chicken

29. Locate a moral compass

30. Be pictured within 100 yards of a bus

(Image: AFP/Getty Images)

31. Reverse public opinion about Remaining in the EU

32. Stop people re-reading the Vote Leave leaflets which promiseda 4-year, cross-party negotiation run by experts from business, law and civil society

33. Erase the fact the campaign he led committed the grossest campaign finance breach in British electoral history which, had the referendum been legally binding, would have sent a number of people to jail

34. Get a great deal

35. Take back control

36. Restore democracy

37. Avoid paying a legally-watertight £39bn EU bill

38. Find £350m down the back of the sofa

39. Find Elvis on Mars

40. Be reincarnated as an olive

(Image: Getty)

41. Win the approval of any ethic, religious or sexual minority

42. Free Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe

43. Reverse Donald Trump's rush into an election-winning war

44. Restore the Iranian nuclear deal

45. Convince Kim Jong-Un to put the uranium down

46. Impress Barack Obama

47. Impress statisticians

48. Make his financial declarations correctly and on time

49. Drop the dog-whistle

50. Dump the Far Right

(Image: REUTERS)

51. Bring back free TV licenses for the over-75s

52. Change the EU's negotiating position

53. Change Jo Brand's position

54. Disincentivise the purchase of milkshakes

55. Take responsibility

56. Call a general election

57. Get re-elected in his overwhelmingly-Remain consituency

58. Win a fight with a fact-checker

59. Go a week without a gaffe

60. Build any bridges

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61. Reduce the amount of hot air emitted in the UK

62. Improve the reputation of clowns

63. Tax the rich

64. Give to the poor

65. Salvage the UK's international reputation

66. Feed hungry children

67. Fund proper social care

68. De-rogue Parliament

69. Restore the public's faith in politicians

70. Believe hard enough for any of the above to sort themselves out

(Image: AFP/Getty Images)

71. Keep his promises

72. Take responsibility

73. Accept the consequences

74. Realise that he should never have been PM

75. Inspire one iota of respect from anybody

And the one thing that only Boris has the magic touch, the innate skills, the inarguable destiny, to do, and which he really WILL do?

1. Kill Brexit. And probably a few other things , too.