I would like to introduce the one and only: King of Crappers, The Mad-Hatter of Fecal Matter, The Duke of Doo, The Sultan of Shit,The Crap-in-Captain -Thomas Krapper himself. Mr. Thomas Krapper of Krapper’s Crappers is a nice old man residing somewhere in my head.

In this trade off Mr. Krapper receives some very useful photos which he will happily share with his friend(Also a person of my making) Mr. Reddenbacher, who is simultaneously corresponding with Edwin our friendly Nigerian scammer.

Enter John Entwhistle. Mr. Krapper and Mr. Roland already have something in common. They both live inside someone’s head. The major difference though is that Mr Roland is trying to get money from Mr. Krapper. Mr. Krapper is trying to sell Mr. Roland a toilet and won’t take no for an answer. I guess we can call this one “The Ass of the Titans”

In the words of the great Mr. Krapper “If you have a crap on tap, don’t hold back. Flush it down a Krapper’s Crapper and make your loved ones happy crappy”

“Sinks stink. Showers scour. But what I think. Toilets empower”

From: Mr. James Entwhistle to Mr. Krapper

Dear: Beneficiary,

After an official meeting held with the president of Nigeria president good luck Jonathan and minister of finance miss Ngozi Okonjo Iweala concerning unpaid and unclaimed funds to foreign beneficiaries, i was very much annoyed when i found out from your file that you paid so much money yet you have not still receive your compensation funds. For that reason i have decided to help personal get you?re fund.

He is using the name of the US ambassador to Nigeria

My name is ambassador James F. Entwistle the present U S ambassador to Nigeria i shall be coming to Washington dc by next week for an official meeting and i will be bringing a bank draft of $5million (five million united state dollars only) which the ministry of finance has sign on your name. I shall be coming along with the check through the United States diplomatic mission to Washington. This time i will not go through customs because as a U.S ambassador to Nigeria, i am a USA government agent and i have the veto power to go through any U.S customs. I have help three beneficiaries from United States of America this year to get there fund without any problem and you are the fourth person i am helping now. The three individual who has already receive the fund through my assistance are bellow

Mrs. Anthonio smith———- Maryland USA

Mr. Roy rry————-Florida us

amiss. Marlyna jones ——–Atlantic Georgia

the above mentioned are the three persons who has received there fund by my assistance in January and i can?t see why yours will not be possible. Base on that you are to send me your bellow information for the delivery of your fund by next week as soon as i come for the meeting. Your details required are bellow.

1. Your full name

2. Cell phone number

3. Address where you want me to bring the package).

More of the same crap follows…

I know quite well from your file that you have really paid so much on this delivery that makes me wonder. You are a very lucky person because i shall be bringing it myself and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Your package ($5m) must be registered as an ambassadorial package for me to defeat all odds. The cost of registering is just $120 as paid by orders who just receive there fund presently. The fee must be paid in the next 72 hours via western union or money gram so that all necessary arrangement can be made before time will be against us. You are to contact my secretary Mr.Anthony Eze for the registration of the check: contact Name: Mr.Anthony Eze Contact anthonyeze2013@gmail.com +2348122422012

A Scammer with a secretary?

Please contact my secretary with his information stated and send him the $120 for the registration of the check before next week which i will be coming to U S A. i shall send you my flight schedule as soon as the registration is done for you to know when exactly i will be in Washington. You can go through my website and read biography: ( http://nigeria.usembassy.gov/biography.html )

Note: as soon as i arrive to Washington i will call you so that immediately i finished with my meeting i will be coming to your address to hand over the check to you and also to let you know that i will be going to your bank with you to deposit the check with all the approved document backing up the check and i will make sure the check clear in 3days before i live.

Yours sincerely

ambassador James f. Entwistle

U.s ambassador to Nigeria

I was flattered to say the least. A distinguished ambassador met with the leader of Nigeria and decided to write me. I am just a humble toilet manufacturer. I think it is also amazing how Mr. Entwistle can hardly write in English and achieved such a high position in life. He was quite cognizent of a $120 fee that I will just magically overlook for now. This is not to say that Mr. Krapper is not a literary god. He thinks he is on the ultranet and he has a sperm folder where emails sometimes go.

From: Thomas Krapper , To: James Entwistle

Mr. Entwhistle, Please forgive me for the late reply to your most gracious email. I am new to using the ultranet and I found your message under something called sperm. I’m am glad I checked otherwise I would have never known that you contacted me. A retarded fisherman from the British Navy of 30 years, I barely know what to do with my time. This ultranet has been very good therapy for me. I know you must be very busy as an Ambassador but please do write me for Christ’s sake and tell me more about what to do to get my money.

Best,

Thomas Krapper of Krapper’s Crappers

So now I get a long reply of an “Antony Eze” claiming to be an attorney for some deceased relative that the money is coming from. How sad. I had a relative that went to Nigeria and who’s short life just got flushed down the toilet.

From: Edwin Roland . To: Thomas Krapper

Dear Thomas Krapper,

Thank you for your mail? . I thanks God for his goodness and mercy in our life’s ,our Lord is good .I was glad receiving your mail and I want you to understand that I will be more then glad to share this money with you if only you will give me your co-operation and handle what is left on your side accordingly. I know that you will be a little bit skeptical about this matter but i am assuring you that this transaction is beneficial.you might not be related directly but bearing the same last name,makes legally qualified to this claims and i have documents to back up the transaction .

Roll eyes

Note,this transaction is Legal based on my co-operate position and 100% risk-free, one in the sense that i am the personal attorney to your deceased relative and I have all the legal documents that will portrays you as the original next of kin to the deceased and you should not entertain any atom of fear. I am very much aware about law regulations especially about inheritance issue . It will take just a few days to finalize this transaction upon submission of claim application to the bank as next of kin to my late client. If only you will put your willing in this transaction i will send to you the necessary documents copies in my possession by attachment as soon as the bank demands for them . We have to know each other very well so as to work like one family to achieve our goal with mutual benefit .

If you made it this far, you are a better person than me

Based on this,i want to give me the following information. Your first name Your middle name Your Surname Your address and occupation your age and marital status Your telephone number Meanwhile i will like to ask you the below questions. 1. That you will not cheat me when the fund hits your bank account because I will provide all the information that will make the bank authenticate his claim as the next of kin to deceased and have the fund released to you without delay . 2.That you will always consult me before taking any decision in relation to the transaction so that you don’t make any mistake that will jeopardize the successful conclusion of this transaction .

Yawn

Now I think every thing is very clear I will process and procure all the needed documents on your name to ensure to prove the claim infarct , I am going to send to you a draft text of claim application you will fill and send to the bank for acknowledgement as the original next of kin to my late client, Thanks and God bless you and your lovely family , Hope to hear

Mr. Krapper is a grumpy old man and he decides to let it show in this email. Of course, Mr. Krapper is perfectly willing to send all his personal information to someone in Nigeria who claims to know the US Ambassador and the President of Nigeria

From Thomas Krapper to, Edwin Roland

Hi Edwin, Well its about time that you wrote me. I am not used to this kind of Gabass and I was just about to give up. Sitting on my old ass all day on this waiting this ultranet computer has given me hemorrhoids. Are you a petrologist or a lawyer for Christ’s sake? You do know I’m in England don’t you? What the hell am I going to do with American Dollars you loony? Can not this be sent to me in English Pounds? Ok, you can send me your personal information if you really want to and I can send you mine.

Here Mr. Roland proves who he is by sending some documents. I will overlook the fact that they look like they were done in a very low level graphics program by someone who has no design skills what-so-ever.

From: Edwin Roland. To: Mr. Krapper

to me Here is my identifiction and i am a lawyer

Mr. Krapper is absolutely sure that Mr. Roland is an attorney now. Many people can not spell words such as identification and send pictures of their entire family to strangers. Mr. Krapper then showers Edwin with complements as best he can.

From: Mr. Krapper To: Edwin

Dear Mr. Roland,

You have a nice looking family and your two wives are obese I can see that you

provide well for them. Here is a very recent picture of me and also one of my wife

Google Images is always a great way to find some random pictures. I’m sure our Mr. Edwin did that himself. Hear Mr. Roland tries to get more information from Mr. Krapper . Mr. Krapper is no idiot. He will play dumb a bit to test Mr. Roland’s patience

From: Edwin Roland , To: Mr. Krapper

Dear Thomas Krapper ,

Open the attachment to fill out the claim application and send it to the bank for approval through the bank email address specified in the application and get back to me.

Edwin Roland ESQ,

Poor Mr. Krapper does not know how to open a file. He only sees the icon and thinks it is the file.

From: Mr. Krapper . To: Edwin

Rollhand, I don’t understand you and this ultranet thing. There is a little tiny picture on the bottom of my screen that says W Application.docx. How am I supposed to read this small without my glasses. What do I do with it. It must be some kind of computer problem. Can you send me a bigger picture of it?

Mr. Thomas Krapper ESP

When all else fails. Have the bank send you an application. I’m sure Mr. Roland was walking about in circles trying to figure out how to make his application look legit. Therefore, he decided to have “The Bank” send a text document to make things look more official and readable

From: The Bank – Quartier Assivito Thomas Krapper

Banque Atlantique Place du Petit Marché

Rue Koumore. 01 B.P 3256 Lome, Togo Tel:(00228)2208892/91905436 Fax:(00228)2208893

Email:banqattitogo@mail-central.com

www.banqueatlantique.net

Attn:Director of Operations ( Mr. Kaka Frakoe)

Sir, Ref : Application for the transfer/Release of safe deposit USD $10.5 million dollars registration account number # 11-011-77/BAT belongs to my distant relation Mr.J.Krapper.

l,Thomas Krapper wish to apply for the transfer of the deposit, with the registration number # 11-011-77/BAT belonging to my Late cousin Mr. J.Krapper , Who Died On the 30th of April,2000,with his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Nouvissi express Road .

I hereby declare that I am the relative cousin and the next of kin to my Late cousin ,and wish that his properties that he left behind in your Bank be transferred to me as the next of kin and beneficiary as soon as my application is approved, I will provide you with all the necessary information s to prove my legality .

My first name is : ..Thomas Krapper ……..

My middle name is :………

My last name is : Krapper … …………..

Sex :..Male………………..

Home/Office address is:……..

My Bank name is :…………..

Account number is:………..

Company Name :………..

Telephone No :…………

E-mail:……………..

I will be happy if this application is approved and the safe deposited cash of USD $10.5 million dollars be released to me in my Bank account in my county and please accept this late application as it was due to the family’s logistic problems consequent upon their funeral rights and I hope you will expedite action and in no account must the fund be release by any one except by me. Thanks for your co-operation.

Endorse my Name here: ……………………..

After such a nice email from the bank, Mr. Krapper decides to acquise and answer all the questions.

From: Mr. Krapper , To: Edwin

Thank you Mr. Ronald, Here is the information that you want. Can I send you some more family pictures too. Please send me some more of yourself. My Housekeeper loved them.

My first name is : ..Thomas……..

My middle name is : Dick

My last name is :…Krapper

Sex :..Sometimes only on a Krapper’s Crapper

Home/Office address is: 88 Princess Dianna Way

My Bank name is The British Bank of the Queen

Account number is: $ # 11-011-77/BAT

Company Name :Krapper’s Crappers (Toilet Company)

Telephone No :+44 897 (893899)

E-mail: edwinriland@gmail.com

After such good information, Mr. Roland disparaged. I wonder why. Was it that he was happy with the information. Did he actually try to use that information for some possibly disingenuous transaction? I certainly hope so. I had one final email I had to send to Mr. Roland to show him that there is no hard feelings for wasting his time.

From:Thomas Krapper to Edwin

Dear Mr. Edwin,

It was so nice playing again with you. My dear friend. This is the second time we did this and I feel we are really getting to know each other. Maybe one of these days you can buy one of my crappers.

To show there are no hard feelings. Here is a little award for you

Further Reading:

Rabbi Hamburger’s answer to Edwin

Mrs. Jacqueline’s Answer to Edwin

Scam baiting web design scammer: India – Rabbi Hamburger’s Cockroach Problem

Are there no hamburgers in heaven?

J and T’s bogus Jihad

Web design spam from India – Aunt Marta and Her Partner in scam baiting

Talent call scam bait

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