Facing new challenge, Romney stakes out fresh position

Deepinaharta, Texas — Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney said today that if he should win the White House in 2012, his administration would seek to introduce legislation barring corporations from having abortions.

“Corporations are people too,” Romney said to a dwindling group of supporters who seemed to be distracted by a picture of Texas governor Rick Perry <a href=”http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/chimpy_w._mcflightsuit_ii/”>in a flight suit</a>, “and they should be denied the same basic reproductive rights that I once supported and now oppose for people.” Romney went on to say that people-corporations should enjoy the same tax and regulatory relief as corporation-corporations, “giving job seekers and job creators alike the freedom to innovate and to invest their money as they see fit.”

Romney did not respond to a question as to whether his administration would permit corporations to merge with other corporations of the same sex.

Romney’s announcement comes at a pivotal time for his campaign. Confronted with <a href=”http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/08/24/perry-surges-in-polls-testing-romneys-strategy/”>polls</a> that show him losing Iowa and much of the South to Perry, Romney’s advisors have suggested that the candidate needs to “take it to the next level” to avoid being “outflanked” among the Republican base. “Just look at what Perry’s done in the course of a few days,” said one staffer who requested anonymity because he is thinking of leaving Romney’s campaign for Perry’s. “He <a href=”http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/16/rick-perry-ben-bernanke-treasonous”>called Ben Bernanke a traitor</a>, he suggested that <a href=”http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20093535-503544.html”>climate change is a hoax</a> perpetrated by scientists involved in an international profiteering scam, and he promoted <a href=”http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/political-animal/2011_08/perry_tackles_science_in_nh031635.php”>the illegal teaching of creationism in public schools</a>. That’s a trifecta plus a home run and a total game changer right there. No question, Rick is on a roll.”

Even in the moderate wing of the GOP, all three remaining observers agreed that Romney will need to do much more to court socially conservative voters. “The bar is much higher now,” said one of the three remaining moderates, who held out the utterly delusional hope that former Illinois governor Jim Edgar could still get into the race. “Rick Perry has written a book in which he claims that Social Security is unconstitutional and that <a href=”http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2011/08/18/perry-is-less-fed-up-over-social-security/”>it spread like a ‘bad disease.’</a> Now [Florida senator and possible vice presidential candidate] Marco Rubio is going around talking about how <a href=”http://www.tnr.com/blog/jonathan-chait/94128/marco-rubio-and-the-new-republican-consensus”>Social Security has ‘weakened’ the US</a> because in the good old days people used to rely on voluntary community support when they were old, sick, and broke. How is Romney going to respond to that? I don’t see that he has many options, unless he’s going to up the ante by telling the rubes that Social Security promotes the teaching of evolution, or that it’s responsible for the Supreme Court decision that took prayer out of the public schools, or that it subsidizes abortion and leads to gay marriage. Where else is there to go?”

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Romney campaign suggested that Social Security promotes the teaching of evolution, that it’s responsible for the Supreme Court decision that took prayer out of the public schools, and that it subsidizes abortion and leads to gay marriage.