INT. KANSAS - AFTERNOON

Gay ????s"tripper MAKEUP ARTITST JAMES CHARLES is arguing with BiSexual "Singer" "SINGER" BILLIE ELLISH. JAMES tries to hug BILLIE but he shakes him off.

JAMES

Please Billie, don't leave me.

BILLIE

I'm sorry James, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

JAMES

I am such a person!

BILLIE frowns.

BILLIE

I'm sorry, James. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

BILLIE leaves.

JAMES sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Emo Youtuber YOUTUBER SHANE DAWSON barges in looking flustered.

JAMES

Goodness, Shane! Is everything okay?

SHANE

I'm afraid not.

JAMES

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

SHANE

It's ... a r"äpist ... I saw an evil r"äpist c"üm inside them a bunch of Kids!

JAMES

Defenseless Kids?

SHANE

Yes, defenseless Kids!

JAMES

Bloomin' heck, Shane! We've got to do something.

SHANE

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

JAMES

You can start by telling me where this happened.

SHANE

I was...

SHANE fans himself and begins to wheeze.

JAMES

Focus Shane, focus! Where did it happen?

SHANE

Up your nans ass! That's right - Up your nans ass!

JAMES springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

JAMES rushes along the street, followed by SHANE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. UP YOUR NANS ASS - SHORTLY AFTER

DEMONITZATION a Teriible r"äpist terrorises two Kids.

JAMES, closely followed by SHANE, rushes towards DEMONITZATION, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

SHANE

What is is? What's the matter?

JAMES

That's not just any old r"äpist, that's Demonitzation !

SHANE

Who's Demonitzation ?

JAMES

Who's Demonitzation ? Who's Demonitzation ? Only the most Teriible r"äpist in the universe!

SHANE

Blinkin' knickers, James! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Teriible r"äpist in the universe!

JAMES

You can say that again.

SHANE

Blinkin' knickers, James! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Teriible r"äpist in the universe!

JAMES

I'm going to need Micro sausage, lots of Micro sausage.

Demonitzation turns and sees James and Shane. He grins an evil grin.

DEMONITZATION

James Charles, we meet again.

SHANE

You've met?

JAMES

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young JAMES is sitting in a park listening to some taylor swift music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees DEMONITZATION. He takes off his headphones.

DEMONITZATION

Would you like some ????"?????????????????

JAMES's eyes light up, but then he studies DEMONITZATION more closely, and looks uneasy.

JAMES

I don't know, you look kind of Teriible.

DEMONITZATION

Me? No. I'm not Teriible. I'm the least Teriible r"äpist in the world.

JAMES

Wait, you're a r"äpist?

JAMES runs away, screaming.

INT. UP YOUR NANS ASS - PRESENT DAY

DEMONITZATION

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

SHANE

(To JAMES) You ran away?

JAMES

(To SHANE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

JAMES turns to DEMONITZATION.

JAMES

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

JAMES runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

JAMES

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Micro sausage.

DEMONITZATION

I'm not scared of you.

JAMES

You should be.

INT. AREA 51 - LATER THAT DAY

JAMES and SHANE walk around searching for something.

JAMES

I feel sure I left my Micro sausage somewhere around here.

SHANE

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Micro sausage.

JAMES

You know nothing Shane Dawson.

SHANE

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, DEMONITZATION appears, holding a pair of Micro sausage.

DEMONITZATION

Looking for something?

SHANE

Crikey, James, he's got your Micro sausage.

JAMES

Tell me something I don't already know!

SHANE

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

JAMES

I know that already!

SHANE

I have a foot fetish.

DEMONITZATION

(appalled) Dude!

While DEMONITZATION is looking at SHANE with disgust, JAMES lunges forward and grabs his deadly Micro sausage. He wields them, triumphantly.

JAMES

Prepare to die, you Teriible carrot!

DEMONITZATION

No please! All I did was c"üm inside them a bunch of Kids!

BILLIE enters, unseen by any of the others.

JAMES

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Kids were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! James Charles defender of innocent Kids.

DEMONITZATION

Don't hurt me! Please!

JAMES

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Micro sausage on you right away!

DEMONITZATION

Because James, I am your father.

JAMES looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

JAMES

No you're not!

DEMONITZATION

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

DEMONITZATION tries to grab the Micro sausage but JAMES dodges out of the way.

JAMES

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, DEMONITZATION slumps to the ground.

SHANE

Did he just faint?

JAMES

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Micro sausage.

JAMES crouches over DEMONITZATION's body.

SHANE

Be careful, James. It could be a trick.

JAMES

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Demonitzation is dead!

JAMES

What?

JAMES

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

SHANE claps his hands.

SHANE

So your Micro sausage did save the day, after all.

BILLIE steps forward.

BILLIE

Is it true? Did you kill the Teriible r"äpist?

JAMES

Billie how long have you been...?

BILLIE puts his arm around JAMES.

BILLIE

Long enough.

JAMES

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Demonitzation .

BILLIE

Then the Kids are safe?

JAMES

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Kids enter, looking relived.

BILLIE

You are their hero.

The Kids bow to JAMES.

JAMES

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Demonitzation will never c"üm inside them Kids ever again, is enough for me.

BILLIE

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Kids passes JAMES a tiny Cock ring

BILLIE

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

JAMES

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

JAMES

Well, if you insist.

JAMES takes the Cock ring.

JAMES

Thank you.

The Kids bow their heads once more, and leave.

JAMES turns to BILLIE.

JAMES

Does this mean you want me back?

BILLIE

Oh, James, of course I want you back!

JAMES smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

JAMES

Well you can't have me.

BILLIE

WHAT?

JAMES

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a r"äpist to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

BILLIE

But...

JAMES

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Shane.

SHANE grins.

BILLIE

But...

SHANE

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

BILLIE

James?

JAMES

I'm sorry Billie, but I think you should skidaddle.

BILLIE leaves.

SHANE turns to JAMES.

SHANE

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

JAMES

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly SHANE stops.

SHANE

When I said I have a foot fetish, you know I was just trying to distract the r"äpist don't you?

THE END