fRom no apparent 321342 (Aai).

Chapter 1:

Carbon Based Lifeforms: Supersede. (On repeat). Very, very high. GSC Rosin. 37.5mg Effexor ER. May or may not have any trileptal left. Need a refill.

As I sit down to write this, I realize I am not writing this for you. I am writing this for J******e. J******e is the only woman I have, or imagine ever giving my heart to. She opened me up like a butterfly, but it was so new, I didn’t have time to know it, and because of the world, and because neither of us were ready, we divorced at the end of the worst year of my life. This was almost four years after we married.

She told me why, but I didn’t hear her. I couldn’t hear her at all. I hadn’t heard anything in my life for a very long time. And then when I began treatment for bi-polar disorder, I heard even less. I became an automaton. I called psychiatric medication, the ‘Great Soul Shucker’, and that’s about as apt as it gets. Language is important like that.

Last year was bad in more ways than my divorce, but I am not going to get into that that now, or maybe ever. It’s not that important to the bulk of this story, and too personal.

My wife challenged me in a way that made me a better person, a real person. That’s what I felt like. Real. That’s not to say that I don’t exist in the flesh, but nothing in my life had driven me on… to better things. I had no one that understood who I really am, and that didn’t have preconceived notions of who, or what I was supposed to be. I had gotten to the point in my own life where I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I had lived 31 years of trying to make everyone else around me happy, and failing worse than you can possibly imagine. And in doing this, I forgot what made me happy.

Ideas, and dreams, have always floated with me. Like my first dream. It repeated over, and over. I must have been months old. It was music. Classical music. And I was falling, through clouds, just falling, slowly falling, and landing, with awe. I remember a thought when I lived in Cannes, France. How I wanted to fish, how I loved fish, though I didn’t eat fish. I merely wondered about fish. And fishing. And somehow through modern fate, I was a fishmonger. Was. I was a lot of things in this life.

Chapter 2:

Carbon Based Lifeforms: Supersede. (On repeat). Very, very high. GSC Rosin. 37.5mg Effexor ER. May or may not have any trileptal left. Need a refill.

The next day really. I woke up and saw my neighbors, at which point, I went home and dabbed some serious rosin. It turns out they were already lit. That’s how things are around here now. I dove into my mind again and came up with the concepts of why I found my faith…

Maybe I should start there.

Today I found my faith as I saw the miracle of a tree in the sun. It’s natural beauty was perfection. And just like that I realized that everything around us is a miracle. And why I always loved reading quotes from Henry David Thoreau. All answers to all questions, lay by the side of a pond. Or somewhere in the imagination fueled by wonder, in our own minds. It’s quite beautiful.

And just like that, my faith was whole. Imagine living with the woman that you believed God had sent you, because you saw the wonder of the miracle unfolding, but you never believed the architect really existed. It’s a dichotomy. I exist in a dichotomy, as do we all. Get used to it. Cannabis helps, believe me.

I have always felt God’s presence with me. My entire life. Whether it be as an angel, as J******e suggested, He was with me. And he surely was. To feel safe when you knew that the entirety of reality was bearing down on me at 17 until now. And long before also, when He showed me the possibilities. There’s so much more left there I have yet to discover.

It’s 2:39. I’m weeping because I know I am not alone in the universe.

That’s deep

This is the way, Life Is Supposed To Be.

Maybe I’ll call my book that

My testament, not my book. Just my story

We need to bring stories back bro. Around campfires. Remember that man. Teach your kids that

Chapter 3

I know I drove my wife away, and ever since then I have been trying everything, within my power of suggestion, to get her back. I blame myself for what happened because I should have known better. I should have been stronger than I was at that time. My wife was a gift from God, and I feel as though I squandered his gift. But again, the dichotomy of that is evident. Because at the same time, without this precious love, the most precious thing I have ever held in my life, being taken from me, I would not be where I am now. And where I am now is nothing more than a state of mind: Love.

NW CT — fall maple — JMA 2015

Chapter 4

It’s nine o’clock in the morning. I have not smoked this morning, but I want to. I just have to wait for 10:17… today is the first day I life by the times that God has set forth to me. 10:17am is the first time we can enjoy the sacrament. 4:20 is the second smoke of the day, and after 10:17 at night, it’s all go and/or go home. This is when the doorway to the fourth opens to me, and I can see again. I think this will work, though I want to just smoke now. I always want to smoke. It’s that good.

I don’t know when I started this. Find out more. ganjanation.com

JAMIE.

iI Llove yYou aAll.

Book II

It’s 0353. I am off most medication. Started Advair 500/50. Rosin some. Getting lucky here and there, while cleaning the house, so things are bad, and I should be refueled soon.

But getting refueled again. Scares me now. i need to get out of here. In a state, an oppressive state, the state of mind, the state of fear, the state of guilt, and the state of perpetual drive, to be somewhere else… Colorado. It’s a Wind in my soul that has been stirring there since 1993. I learned things in Colorado I didn’t yet know. But the one thing that I learned, and that has always haunted me, is the desire for true intimacy. To be touched in a way that made me feel both grounded, and heavenly at the same time. Like eating langoustines, or walking on cold, wet stone. It set me apart from myself. I had no use of my ego, and was able to glimpse the possibility here. Here is a garden from which touch is the steward of tomorrow.

Oh yah, did I tell you? I wax poetic all day.

Yawn

The last time I wrote in, was a long while back in this wanderers’ memory. It’s been a many want, and many travel; not so much. I need to get out of here. I am stuck in a perpetual loop. But plans are being laid.

Dear reader. I understand that I am asking you to take a leap of faith with me. I have everything set. I focused on my goal, and put a lifetime of will into focusing on what it was I wanted. Julie.

It was not by mere chance that we crossed each other's paths. And how awkward for both of us.

and after deducting absolutely every possible variable this is what I have concluded.

I am Hackworth Neal Stephenson passed the virus on to me, physically in 1995 at a book signing. I am the CEO of my new company, GanjaNation.

Beginnings 0308 07162018.

Chapter 1: Jim is dead.

It was independance day when it all happened. I didn’t know it at the time, but everything was about to change. Alan had been staying with me walking around like Lance in Apocalypse Now! I can’t recall when we had taken the garbage out, cleaned the dishes, washed the dog urine, and picked up all the shit that had been stinking this place to hi hell. IT was disgusting, but I barely noticed. iI had been born, and I had no idea.

And weed. The fucking weed was low. It’s still low weeks later, but somehow I have managed to find enough laying around to actually keep somewhat medicated, but I can feel myself getting aggravated at the dog.

And I hate that.

Priorities. That is what is important now. But I have a fucking mirror, no, mirrors filled with notes. And more notes to all the people who I am rambling at in the middle of the night. just like i always had.