What is Autscape?

For those who haven’t heard of Autscape, it is a residential conference for autistic people that runs every year. What makes it different from other events is that it is run by autistic people for autistic people. There are structured workshops, talks, and social events, as well as opportunities to spend time with other people informally, or just have some downtime when you need it.

NB – I feel I should mention here that I am in no way involved with the organisation of this event and all views are my own based on my personal experience of attending.

How did I end up at Autscape?

When I went to my first Autscape in 2019 I had been diagnosed for just under one year. I went through a range of emotions after this diagnosis. The fourth stage I experienced was an urge to connect with others like me. I stumbled across the #actuallyautistic hashtag on Instagram and twitter and started to see myself reflected in others.

It was here that I saw someone post about the upcoming 2019 Autscape event. Curious, I went to the Autscape website to learn more. I was captivated at the thought of moving past online interactions to actually meet autistic people in person!

But could I really do this? Me? In a lot of ways, it sounded like my nightmare – going to an unfamiliar place full of strangers on my own? I closed the website and put it out of my mind.

But I kept going back to it. It was quite close to the event and I didn’t think I would get a space now. I had left it so late. I decided I would register and if I was offered a place then it was meant to be and I would HAVE to go.

So, I registered. And I waited. And then I was offered a place. I gulped and then accepted it, nervous about what was to come. To soothe my nerves I told myself I only had to try. And if I didn’t like it, I could come back home.

Then before I knew it, it was time!

A new chapter and a new adventure awaits. I’m on my way to #Autscape and will be openly meeting other #ActuallyAutistic people like me for the first time. I’m scared but excited #autscape2019 — TheAutisphere (Emma) (@autisphere) August 12, 2019

So how did it feel to be at Autscape?

Shaky at first

I was so nervous that first day, but I told myself I would not go back to my room and hide – even though I really, really wanted to! I realised that other people felt the same. That helped a little. People sat together and conversations started. After all, we all had our first-day nerves in common!

Structured

There was a welcome talk at the beginning of the event where it was clearly explained to attendees what would happen and what was expected of them (eg being respectful of one another). I don’t cope well with the unknown and so this helped alleviate some of my worries.

There was a structure to Autscape. You didn’t have to follow it if you didn’t want to, but it was there. This helped me immensely. It allowed me to meet people through an activity which felt much less intimidating. It also provided natural topics for conversation.

Supported

As the conference was organised by autistic people, there was a much better understanding of what attendees’ needs might be. Something I loved was the coloured badge system. Everyone received a lanyard with a set of coloured papers. They had the following meaning:

Red – I do not want to interact at this time

Orange – Do not interact with me unless you are a designated person and I have already pre-agreed this with you

Green – I want to interact, but I need someone else to initiate this

White – I can manage my own interactions without support

This was a fantastic system. The papers could be changed over as often as you needed to change them. There were times I wore a green badge and people really were making an effort to look out for green badges and interact with those people.

One morning I was feeling particularly frazzled and just couldn’t face interacting with anyone. The sad things is that when this happens it’s not that I don’t want to be around people. I just can’t because they might try to interact with me and this would be too much for me. However, with the red badge system, I was able to be around people and they respected my wishes not to interact right now. I didn’t have to withdraw to my room and feel isolated. This was such a welcome change.

Welcomed

People really made an effort to include one another. As an Autscape newbie I really did feel welcomed. I signed up for something called ‘home groups’. You were assigned to a small group that would meet twice per day. A facilitator supported discussion in the groups. This meant I was able to meet a group of people quite quickly and there were friendly faces I recognised throughout the conference.

When people found out it was my first year, they seemed to go the extra mile for me. They asked if I had any worries. Whether I had any questions. They gave me tips on good things to attend. I was really touched by this.

Safe

There was such an air of acceptance and understanding. Without this needing to be stated, you could just feel it. We all had a shared understanding of the common struggles we face. We might misinterpret something. We might stim during a talk or need to leave in the middle. There might be some things we cannot tolerate. This list goes on, of course. But at Autscape, none of these things mattered.

Because of this, I felt I could state when I was worried about something and seek support from others. This was received every time. It also meant more open and frank conversations could be had. I felt I could check the meaning of something or say that I didn’t understand. I would usually struggle with this due to fear of judgement from others. But I knew I would not be judged here.

Brave

Because I didn’t fear judgement I found myself doing things I would never do in ‘the real world’. Such as at this creative writing workshop I attended:

This afternoon at #autscape I wrote a story without overthinking it or worrying about how it might be perceived, and then I even read it out in front of a group. I don’t even recognise myself – in a good way! Thanks @DHartleyWriter – I’m going to try and keep it up — TheAutisphere (Emma) (@autisphere) August 13, 2019

When I told some of the people I’m close to they almost didn’t believe me! It’s so far from my usual self. And it felt fantastic. Who knows how many experiences I’ve lost out on due to fear. As well as enjoying this activity, I felt a sense of achievement and pride in myself.

Belonging

I attended a fantastic talk by Sonny Hallett on autistic community. During this talk they said that when your own thoughts, feeling and experiences are mirrored back to you, you feel validated. This was definitely true for me. I felt a sense of connection to the people around me. We understood each other because we were alike. Our experiences were alike.

Sonny also said that if you find your community, this feeling can transfer into a broader sense of belonging. I have experienced this post-Autscape. I now know there are places in the world where I can belong. I’m sure many people take this for granted, but I’d never felt it before. To know that you do fit somewhere makes you feel so much less alone.

Great talk at #Autscape @scrappapertiger ! I learned and related. I’m definitely experiencing validation which is an amazing feeling, and I’m hoping this will lead to increased confidence in my identity as you suggested — TheAutisphere (Emma) (@autisphere) August 13, 2019

Unbroken

For the first time, I wasn’t comparing myself to others and feeling as if I didn’t measure up. Like there was something wrong with me. Attending Autscape confirmed to me that I wasn’t broken or deficient; I had simply spent my whole life comparing myself to the wrong people. To put it crudely, imagine a cat comparing itself to a dog – it’s never going to be like the dog, but that doesn’t mean it’s inferior to it!

Ease

Now, this is not to say that I didn’t have difficulties. I’m still me after all. But thanks to all the things I’ve listed above, life at Autscape was easier to navigate than everyday life. It was so much easier than trying to fit into non-autistic spaces day after day. It was a retreat from that way of life. Even if only for a short time.

Final thoughts

I have gone on to try and find an autistic peer-group closer to me that I can see on a more regular basis. Autscape gave me the confidence to do that.

Last year when I was deliberating about booking, I remember focussing on things like the theme of the talks. While this is important, I now believe I would book regardless. These emotional experiences were so precious that, to me, it’s the feeling of Autscape that makes it such a unique and invaluable event.

Have you attended Autscape or something similar? What are your experiences?