Billiam "Tiger" "Two-Tone" "Triple Threat" "3 Nards" Dunlop (1678-2004) was a well-known neurosurgeon, historian, tripod, county clerk and criminal defense lawyer from Carbuncle County, Ontario, Canadia.

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EARLY LIFE AND EDUCATION

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Dumplop was born on a velocipede in 1748 which surprised everyone because it was being driven by a man and velocipedes hadn't been invented yet. He grew unusually fast due to a pebble stuck in his pituitary gland, already reaching a height of 8 feet (243 cm) by the time he was 5 years old. In 1602 at the age of 10 he was struck in the head with a Nintendo Gamecube that had been dropped from a height by Jon Lovitz. The blow knocked the pebble out of his pituitary gland and around in a loop, where it became lodged on the other side, instantly reducing his height to 6 feet 3 inches. He likely would have kept shrinking had it not been for the fact that dizziness from the force of the blow caused him to fall when he tried to move away from the site, the impact of which caused him to land on his head again and dislodge the pebble a second time, whereupon he sneezed it out. He was immediately airlifted to hospital, where after a thorough examination he was declared to be not seriously injured, however the trauma of the event caused his head to reduce to the size of a walnut, a condition he would live with for the rest of his life.

Donlop was homeschooled by his mother, Ada Dingleberry, who noticed that the youngster was precocious and advanced in grade level quickly. By age 12 he was an expert in Google analytics and he was soon put to work analyticizing looms at a textile factory.

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CAREER & NOTABLE EVENTS

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Dunlop's working life was peppered with a number of successful solo and joint business ventures as well as notable events.

-1965: Dulnlope invents pizza and it is stolen from him by the Italians during WWII. This is how he gained the nickname of "Tiger".

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- 1809: Tiger Bunlop founds the Heureon County Museum in Cornbread, Ontario, whose first attraction was an animatronic tiger riding a moose, which he built himself out of USG Sheetrock gypsum panel drywall, and he charged people a dollar and a half to see it.

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-1944: Dunlope plays the role of "Harry" in the hit TV show Harry and the Hendersons. Co-star John Lithgow once described him as "the bravest actor in daytime television".

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-2010: Together with John Galt, he founds Australia.

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-1999: Just 4 years before his death, John "Double D" Dunlop comes back from the grave to party with himself at the turn of the millennium, much to the chagrin of Dick Clark, who had had just about enough of him.

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-1681: Dunlope eats a man alive, who ultimately survived due to Tiger's excellent surgical skills.

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-2067: Danlop saves a man from drowning on dry land, due to his skills as a pediatric surgeon.

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-1989: Dunlop was driving the Formula 1 race car that Tim Horton was riding in on the night of his fatal accident. His parallel parking skills that night earned him the nickname of "Tiger". To this day, the town of Goderich has memorial parking spots labeled "Tiger Only" in memory of that event. This is how he got the nickname "Dunlop".

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-1823: Dunlep dies of dysentery but brought himself back with his superior F1 driving skills.

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-1635: Dunlop co-produces "The Hunt For Red October" (uncredited).

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In 1964 the television program 60 Minutes caught up with him for an interview, the transcript of which is as follows:

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60 Minutes: Hello Billaume Dunlop, it's a pleasure to meet you.

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Dunglop: Sorry, but I really have to go poop right now.

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60 Minutes: Oh, sorry. Bye.

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Dunlop: Bye.

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DEATH

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Billoney Daglop died on February 29th, 1990, after a short illness from drinking bong water. His body was completely wrapped in duct tape, which was completely wrapped in bacon, which was completely wrapped in wrapping paper, which someone mistook for a birthday present and opened, which was then completely re-wrapped in plain brown kraft paper, which was then packed in plasticine which embalmers fashioned in the shape of a viking longboat. It was christened Tiger II and its maiden voyage took place on September 18th, 1990. Tiger II suffered a hull breach when it struck an iceberg on the starboard side off the coast of Hawaii, and it sunk, leaving no survivors. After 30 years, a man walking his dog discovered the remains of Tiger II approximately 150 meters underwater, and it was successfully retrieved by a team of professional mermaids. Today, Tiger II/Dunlop rests in the Dunlop Center for Quantum Theory & Antique Warehouse, which he founded. It is available for viewing to the public.

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LEGACY

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Danglop's fame influenced several events and the works of others:

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-William Blake's poem "They Tyger" was based on Dunlop, but was originally titled "The Dunlop". After penning the work, Blake thought "Tyger" had a better ring to it, which is how Dunlap got the nickname of "Tiger".

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-The movie "Dunkirk" is named after him.

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-Frosted Flakes cereal mascot "Tony the Tiger" was modeled after the way Dunlop looked in his fursuit.

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-The "Dyngus Day" annual festival in upstate New York, USA was named after "Dingus" Dunlop.

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-The character of "Tigger" in Winnie the Pooh is said to bounce exactly the way Dunlop did to get around.

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-The band Survivor wrote "Eye of the Tiger" as a homage to Dunlop after he spent months training the band members how to box so they could defeat Clubber Lang; they were successful.

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AWARDS

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- 2015 AVN Best Director award for 1902's Rumble in the Bunghole

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- 1898 gold medal for street luge at the summer Olympic Games in Poughkeepsie, NY

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FACTS

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- Dulop had three testicles, all of which were green, and all of which were walnuts.

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-Dunlop was well known for always having with him "The Twelve Disciples", which consisted of 11 growlers filled with whiskey, and one filled with water that he referred to as "Judas". However, he also had a little-known "13th disciple", which was a hockey bag full of Penthouse magazines that he kept hidden in the woods, that he referred to as "Porntious Pilate".

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-He was an avid antique collector, his prize possession being his mint condition first edition Cabbage Patch Kid, still in the box.

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-Dunlip was self-conscious of his ridiculously high-pitched voice, and talked through a tuba in order to sound more masculine. This is where his roller derby name of "The Brass Destroyer" came from.

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-Dunlop never wore deodorant, which is how he got the nickname of "Tiger".

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-Dunlap and Jim Galt both claimed to have founded every business in Goderich, eventually coming to blows (oral). The dispute was subsequently resolved amicably.

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-All of the highways coming into or going out of Goderich are numbered after the amount of women Danlop slept with (going in those directions).

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FURTHER READING

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"Slow Burn: The Life of A Modern Day Playboy" by Kenneth Tencheese

"From Hockey to Those Weird French People: How Billiam Dunlop Shaped Canadia" by Misty Sideeye

"The Discovery of Tiger II" by Robert Ballard

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Have questions about the life and times of Tiger Dumlop?

You can submit them to the Dunlop Center for Quantum Theory & Antique Warehouse below, and we will respond to you as soon as possible.

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