Blurtlander is back. This time he doesn’t have Mrs. Fitz to confound him, so he has to settle for Dougal speaking Gaelic instead.

If you are new to Things My Husband Says, here are episodes One, Two, Three and Four. Pay special attention to the disclaimer in week 2. And my constant in real life disclaimer: All opinions are his own. I do not condone.

Pre-Gaming

Me: You can’t eat cereal and talk to me while we watch at the same time.

Him: It’s not cereal; it’s granola. Trying to settle my stomach because I just threw up.

Me: You did?

Him: You saw the tweet.

Me: That was serious?

Him: Yes. I don’t lie.

The 18th Century is Like the Dark Ages, right?

That horse has got horse shoes on

Didn’t think they had horse shoes back then.

Who’s that Benjamin Franklin motherf***er?

Ewww. Why would they want him to have sex with his sister?

Isn’t that Germany? Edinburgh?

Sounds German.

Pretty sure it is.

source

Are they in Middle Earth?

Waiting for Aragorn to come out.

Is this gonna be a scene like in 13th warrior where she doesn’t understand Gaelic and she slowly starts to grasp it as they talk?

I think they’re gonna steal it from 13th Warrior

[mumbles a ton of gibberish pretending to be Gaelic]

Scottish Bro Time

It looks like he’s freaking eating a baby doll right there, with the crotch missing.

And a rabbit head on it.

Looks like he ate a penis off a baby doll. Or the rubberized nothing area.

Chomping on doll balls.

These scottish guys sure simulate sex around each other a lot.

It should be GAYlick, not Gaelic.

[lady voice] Screw you guys. Gonna take my big ass to the tent.

Maths 101

So they’re collecting rent from their lands? Because he’s the lord?

[starts to ask more]

… oh, I don’t care. Nevermind.

How the eff do they know what they owe? Do they put a price sticker on every chicken?

What’s a shilling worth? Like f***ing nothing? Like a penny?

Lady Time

“Help me carry some sh**, bitch.”

Oh, they don’t like that last name do they?

Beauchamp says what?

Donalda: Hot piss, yes.

Him: Ewww.

BLECH.

They’re making kilt material? With pee? That’s forethought.

“If he ends up peeing on this, it won’t matter. And he’s gonna pee on it for sure. Men are pigs.”

source

[Laughs]

Is that hot piss too in the cup? Maybe it’s cow jizz.

(bucket) Guhroce.

(squats) Ewww.

She can’t yell at him like that can she?

It’s disrespectful, right? She could get in trouble.

LEFT TENANT

Ooooooo this punk’s interfering.

Is he a blacksmith?

OH. He’s English.

What’s he doing there then?

Oh he’s a redcoat. He’s not even supposed to be there.

Everything Goes Back to Twilight

NO idea what the f*** he’s saying. WHAT’s the point?

Oh, they’re talking about the English. Blaming all that on them.

Sounds like they just beat Jamie so they could say it was the English.

His back looks like that chick’s face from Twilight.

Sam’s wife.

Oh they’re taking up money.

They’re like the punks that stand out on the street asking for money, but don’t actually need anything.

They actually are doing that to get money for their personal selves right?

Real Quick Dialogue Addendum

Ned: It will be a few centuries before that happens

Claire: Only Two

Him: She has Mary Poppins level sass.

14th Warrior

Now she understands Gaelic right?

Ugh. Guess not.

Guess Antonio Banderas is a little smarter than you are, Claire.

Dougal needs to kill that guy.

He needs to stoppit.

Murtagh: … besides your todger.

(giggles)

History 201

More Gaelic. Awesome.

Does all this mean Dougal’s a traitor?

His OTP

Is she fixing to suck his d***?

source

(giggles)

Me: Do you know where their story is going?

Him: She’s gonna suck his d-piece.

Then tell him not to fight the English because he will die.

Me: But like their whole story?

Him: Uh yeah, she sucks his d*** and they have a kid, then he doesn’t die because you have like 75 of these books.

Those pillows that he’s carrying look like someone took a dump on them. Then vomited on them. Then rubbed them in the dirt.

Creeper at the Door

Aaaaaaaand now she’s gonna suck his d*** for real.

Or maybe she walks in on him f***ing a goat or something.

Come on inside and suckadick.

What reputation?

OOooooOoOoooo she touched his hand.

You COULD be right HERE.

He’s stupid. I would have crawled right up into that bed and plopped down next to her.

Reputation. Schmeputation.

It’s warm.

The Morning After

Did Jamie tell everybody he boned it like he owned it? They’re all giving her The Look.

Are they gonna defend her honor?

Are those dudes jacking off over there?

Can’t believe that guy (Angus) is getting up.

She’s not gonna know that they’re defending her honor. Dummy. It’s OBVIOUS.

source

Well, so did that buttf***er.

Sweaty Netty!

[guffaws]

History 301

Is this the time of Braveheart?

When was that?

The freaking Scottish have apparently been fighting for their freedom for freaking ever. They suck at it.

Final Scene and Cliffhanger

They let her go off by herself?

Is she gonna sneak away?

She could go free right now.

Awwww. Dude.

Obviously she says yes because she has to be sucking Jamie’s d*** pretty soon.

His Final Thoughts

She has to stay because otherwise the show would be over .

But also. She never talks about her husband.

She just wants to get back where they have tampons and anitspeptic. Deoderant. Any place she can buy a coat without first soaking her wrists in some other chick’s urine.

I am decidedly unhappy about the lack of silly nicknames this episode. Pull it together, Blurtlander. See you next week!

Don’t miss My Top Ten Moments from each episode right after the east coast airing on Saturday nights. And then stick around for Talking Outlander, which will be LIVE this Sunday at 2pm EST.