National Beverage, a small-time American soft-drink manufacturer, reported yesterday that its earnings last quarter were not very good, chastening the company. Or as CEO Nick Caporella put it in a press release, “There can be no allowable regrets in business or fumbles on the field (deck) of Endeavor – none . . . (no one even knows how to practice them).”

We don’t understand what that means, either. National Beverage has issued the strangest quarterly earnings report we’ve ever seen. Below you can read the entire press release, filled with rambling Caporella quotes such as, ”Look at our track record over the past 20 years—no mental degradation has occurred!” (The company’s 10-Q filing, which has its financial statements, is normal.)

It’s not the first time Caporella has mouthed off in a company filing, but this may be the weirdest example. National Beverage, which had revenue of $172 million last quarter, is best known for its Faygo and Shasta sodas. Caporella founded the company in 1985. A spokeswoman for the company didn’t return a call seeking comment. Here’s the entire release: