In a story you’re going to be convinced originated on the satirical website The Onion, a Pennsylvania school district is arming its teachers with baseball bats.

That’s right, in response to the latest high school shooting in Florida were a gunman opened fire with an AR-15, killing 17 people, Pennsylvania teachers have a Louisville Slugger as their weapon of choice.

(In part, because they cannot arm themselves with a firearm.)

The 500 teachers in Millcreek School District, near Erie, were given 16-inch bats as part of their training this week on how to respond to school shootings, according to the Erie Times-News.

It’s part of the Trojan Response plan — we’re not making it up — which stands for: “Threat assessment,” “Run,” “Obstruct and barricade,” “Join forces,” “Attack,” and “Never give up.”

The plan is consistent with a 2008 Homeland Security recommendation that when faced with a school shooter, try to run, or hide, and as a last resort fight back, noted the Times-News.

The Alice Institute in Medina, Ohio, was cited as teaching victims to throw books and chairs at a potential gunman as a means of fighting back.

Or a miniature baseball bat, apparently.

Superintendent William Hall said teachers aren’t really expected to use the bats as weapons… well, not necessarily.

“The bats are more symbolic than anything,” he told the paper. “However, we do want to have a consistent tool to have at somebody’s disposal in a classroom in the event they have to fight.”

As for the symbolism, Hall said: “It’s not about just hiding and waiting. There are options, and one of those is to fight.”

The head of teacher’s union, Jon Cacchione, president of the Millcreek Education Association, supports the program and arming teachers with miniature baseball bats, but draws the line at effective weapons.

“The only thing we’re not in agreement with as a group, although, certainly, individual members disagree, is the idea of giving teachers guns,” Cacchione stated, according to the paper.

“Having said that, we certainly don’t object to a greater presence of armed and certified police officers,” he added. “But teachers are here to teach, not to be in the line of defense that carries weapons.”

As Ronald Reagan once said, the more the plans fail, the more the planners plan.