Did you ever used to eat those General Mills cereal bars? You know, the ones for kids-on-the-go with mothers-who-are-done-trying? Look, I’m not suggesting milk should never be served in a solid form between two cereal patties and the mothers who serve said atrocities should be ashamed, but that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Certain things should not be. Solid milk is one of them. Fauxhawks, another. People who think either of these are anything less than criminal. Anyways. I re-entered the wonderful world of school this week and General Mills cereal bars have been on my mind ever since. And so, before last Monday’s orientation, I made a batch of vegan caramel (we all calm our nerves in different ways) and set about making my own version of cereal bars.

My cereal bars start exactly where they should: with the smuggest fucking cereal choice out there. Newman’s Own Just Sweet Enough Honey Flax Flakes.

‘Hey honey, pick me up some cereal?’

‘Something sweet?’

‘Just sweet enough.’

‘I want a divorce.’

‘You got it.’

Or at least that’s how I assume it plays out in every household. This cereal is right up there with Whole Foods’ “If You Care” product line in the race for The Worst. Unfortunately, Newman’s Own Just Sweet Enough Honey Flax Flakes are really fucking good. (Of course, if you’re an anti-honey vegan, use some other cereal.) I dip mine in whipped vegan butter. Straight out of the whipped vegan butter tub. I also definitely did not just admit that.

The perfect compliment to smug cereal is this vegan caramel sauce. It’s at least 300x less offensive than solid milk (it’s science, I looked into it) and it’s surprisingly easy to make, thanks to Oh, Ladycakes’ beyond simple recipe. Finally, a blueberry chocolate sauce seals the deal. These fuckers are downright addictive. Like fauxhawked assholes flock to hair gel, emulating a well coifed Backstreet Boy, I too cannot stay away from my cereal bars.

So, my first day back in school is in the books. I sat next to some cool kids. Pretended to be approachable. Tried to look like less of a bitch than normal. And I may have had some caramel in my hair. Makin’ all the friends.

CHOCOLATE, BLUEBERRY, VEGAN CARAMEL CEREAL BARS

makes 12 bars, they’re super rich so feel free to cut them in half and eat like a normal person might…

ingredients:

2¼ cups (90g) Newman’s Own Just Sweet Enough Honey Flax Flakes or any other flake-y cereal you desire

4 tablespoons (44g) vegan buttery spread, melted

2 tablespoons powdered peanut butter

1 tablespoon peanut butter

Caramel Sauce, recipe just barely adapted from Oh, Ladycakes

1 cup unsweetened coconut milk (I used normal coconut milk but I bet lite coconut milk would work too)

a heaping ½ cup of Zulka pure cane sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Chocolate Sauce

½ cup (70g) frozen organic blueberries

⅓ of a bar (25g or so) extra dark chocolate

1 tablespoon coconut milk

Line an 8×8 or something similar baking dish with a sheet of parchment paper.

In a food processor, pulse the cereal a few times. You should have a coarse meal, not a powder. Transfer to a large bowl.

Combine the powdered peanut butter with the melted vegan butter. Mix it, along with the regular peanut butter, into the cereal. Press a layer of this mixture into the prepared baking dish.

Combine your caramel ingredients in a saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium-high heat. Whisk it a few times while you boil it for 5-6 minutes or so. Turn the heat down to medium and boil another 5 minutes, whisking from time to time. Keep cooking it til it thickens a little. Remove from heat, place in a glass jar and let cool for a bit. When it’s cooled a bit, pour the caramel mixture on top of the layer of cereal stuff.

In the same saucepan that might have a bit of caramel goodness still stuck on it, combine the chocolate sauce ingredients. Cook it over low heat and stir with a wooden spoon until you have a smooth chocolate and blueberry sauce. Spread this mixture on top of the caramel layer.

Freeze for a few hours. Take them out of the freezer and cut them into bars. Put them back in the freezer. Freeze more hours. Eat.

NUTRITION

if you make 12 bars…

149 calories // 17g carbs // 9g fat // 2g protein // 2g fiber // 12g sugar

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