One of the most frustrating pieces of advice to hear from others when you are a struggling Forever Alone is “Be yourself”. We’ve all heard it, and we’ve all cringed when we’ve heard it. Our reaction goes something like this, “Well I’ve been myself my whole life and not a single girl has liked me. Clearly being myself is NOT the answer.” Upon hearing this, the said advice-giver usually responds with, “Just keep trying. There is someone for everyone.”

You then become even more enraged and look for a pillow to bury your face in and scream at the top of your lungs.

Yeah, I get it. I’ve been there.

Like all of you, when I first started my track for self-improvement, I believed that I needed to become someone else in order for girls to like me. And with all of the new, cool PUA routines I was learning and having moderate success with, this belief was reinforced. It became less about being myself and instead of what to say and when to say it. The truth is, I didn’t have a clear understanding of what “be yourself” actually meant. And neither did the people giving the advice.

After a period of some serious soul-searching and the reading of a number of books like No More Mr. Nice Guy, I realized that my entire life’s interaction with women, I was not being myself even though I thought I was. Instead of just living, I became this guy who was overly concerned with my crush’s feelings. That I would do anything to make sure she was happy and put her needs above my own. I thought I was just being regular “Nice Guy Self”, but this was actually not being me.

And it wouldn’t just be when I was out with my crush, it would be whenever I was out talking to any girl. Any conversation where flirting would be required, instead of just being normal, I was consciously worrying and thinking about what to say next, how to act, and wondering if this girl liked me or not. Should I get a number? What do I do?

Every time I felt approach anxiety — I was too scared to go up to a girl or group of people and talk to them — I was not being myself. Every time I was talking to a girl and worrying about what to say, how to act, or if she liked me or not — I was not being myself. When I came to this realization, whether consciously or not, it was one of the greatest breakthroughs for myself. I finally understood what it meant to “be yourself.”

At this point, you might be wondering, well, how do you fix the approach anxiety, the constant worrying, how to act, what to say, etc…The answer actually is “be yourself”. Yeah, I said it. You probably just blew a gasket. That is why I don’t say “be yourself” to Forever Alones, because telling someone to “be themselves” is the same as telling someone to not have anxiety and to just “know” what to say when you’re talking to a girl. It’s unhelpful. But, ultimately, it is the answer.

The point of this article is to get you to understand that “being yourself” is not a switch that advice-givers think you can turn on and off. It isn’t (and you know this already). “Being yourself” is actually a goal you have to set that takes a long time to reach. I finally understand what being myself actually is. It’s a state of living in the moment. It’s a state where you’re standing in a bar and you never have to think, “what do I say next to this girl”. When you are being yourself, you are not thinking. You just are. You are completely comfortable in your environment. Wherever you are, you belong there. You don’t actually feel any sort of anxiety. Everything is okay. And when you reach this state of consciousness, women instinctively pick up on it and are attracted to it.

That is why saying “be yourself” is unhelpful. You can’t just tell someone to be comfortable. It’s a mental state that took me 9 months and 2 dozen books to grasp. So instead of saying, “be yourself”, I will tell people, “become yourself.”