WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense sector that they want to scale up military action on the Korean peninsula, but if they’re going to putter around with peace summits, then it’s clearly up to Raytheon to lead the charge,” said Raytheon CEO Thomas Kennedy as platoons of Raytheon employees boarded company aircraft armed with its AGM-65 Maverick and High Speed Anti-Radiation missiles, noting that fleets of Raytheon ships carrying private security forces were already speeding across the Pacific toward the North Korean theater. “For too long, we have put off what would be an excellent use of our armaments. We can only stockpile weapons for so much time before we have to use them, and frankly, we’re tired of the empty promises from multiple presidential administrations that we’re going to get to unleash our full arsenal on North Korea. If the government can’t even declare a simple war, it’s clearly time for the private sector to step in. Let’s get this show on the goddamn road.” At press time, Raytheon allies Booz Allen Hamilton, Halliburton, and the United Kingdom had announced that they would be sending weapons and ground troops to support Raytheon’s invasion of North Korea.

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