With its pick pockets, dog turds and extremely expensive drinks, Paris is rightly known as the city of romance. But it’s also the city of a motor show. This is a report from it.

One of the surprise stars of the show was the Lamborghini Asterion which is billed as a hybrid as it combines the De Tomaso Pantera with a flagon of Paco Rabanne. ‘The name Asterion comes from mythology,’ said a spokesman. ‘It is the Greek god of YouTube clips depicting idiots driving too quickly around major cities.’

On the Honda stand, all talk was of the Civic Type R and new NSX, both of which the company promises will finally go on sale next year. Honda also says that next year it is ‘totally going to get my shit together and, like, finally move out of my parents’ house and, y’know, get down to my studies and become a marine biologist or something.’

The big news over at Audi was the TT Sportback concept. ‘We are very pleased with this car,’ said a spokesman. ‘TT Sportback is dynamic and practical and also a type of southern German sexual practice that it is impossible to describe without some five spoons, a glove and a lot of newspaper.’

Mazda used the Paris to show off the new MX-5 and to confirm the new car’s engine range at last. For North America, the lightweight roadster will use a 2-litre petrol engine whilst for Europe it will come with a single cylinder diesel engine from a dumper truck. ‘There has been a horrible misunderstanding,’ said a spokesman.

On the Infiniti stand, the company known as ‘shit Lexus’ showed off the Q80 concept. ‘This is a car you could easily see in Infiniti showrooms,’ said a spokesman. ‘That’s why it’s been designed to attract almost no attention whatsoever.’

Fiat took the covers off the new 500X and refused to put them back on again, no matter how much begging there was. The car is called the 500X is because it is 500 times more horrible than the original 500.

Over at Ferrari the big news was an open top version of their extreme 458, called the Speciale A. ‘The A stands for Aperta,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘Which is the Italian for ‘anus’.’

Paris was the first public showing for the new Vauxhall Corsa which will come with a fresh range of trim names, designed to reflect the car’s classic customer base. ‘The range starts with Learner,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘Then rises through Cretin, Moron, Simpleton and Tit.’

One of the unexpected stars of Paris came from Volkswagen with their remarkable XL Sport concept which marries the lightweight body of the XL1 hybrid to a Ducati motorcycle engine. ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaazing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachine,’ said a spokesman, before having to slow for another conversation and bogging down a bit.

Nissan showed off their Pulsar Nismo which is a standard Pulsar ‘taken to the extreme’. As such, the dashboard features an extra seven shades of grey whilst the engine produces ‘over 134 horsepower’.

Paris saw the announcement of the new Suzuki Vitara. ‘This car was designed for what in Japan we call ‘kanjisu aru’,’ said a spokesman. ‘This literally translates as ‘dresser of hair’.’