Heaven—

The Halfway Post reached out to Jesus this morning to ask if he had any big plans for his birthday this year, and Jesus didn’t know what we were talking about.

“What?!” Jesus exclaimed. “I wasn’t born on December 25th! I wasn’t born in December at all! I’m a March baby. Pisces all the way! That’s why My sign is the fish symbol. A bunch of idiot early Christian Romans just made up my birthday being in December so they could convince a bunch of pagans that converting to Christianity wouldn’t interfere with their gift-giving, tree-decorating winter celebrations of Saturnalia! The whole Christmas thing is basically a scam that would have been nipped in the bud if pagans had had any trademark laws. You know I wasn’t even the first immaculate conception? Zoroaster was virgin-birthed 1,000 years before Me in Iran, and that Aztec bird dude Quetzalcoatl was My brother-from-another-virgin. God kind of copy-catted around a bit. I’m not even the first immaculate conception in the Judeo-Christian tradition. Remember Isaac from the Old Testament? He was virgin-birthed cause Sarai was infertile. Ring a bell? And besides the four of us, there were miraculous virgin births in Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, China, Japan, Mongolia, Egypt, Greece, and even the Huron people of Native America. You know, if you think there couldn’t possibly be this many virgin births, then you have to admit—statistically—that I’m likely one of the fake ones. Ha! I’ll let you in on a little historical secret: look up ‘Jesus ben Pandera‘ online and see what you find! Ha! That’s right, Joseph never existed, and the Jews who doubted I was a messiah made fun of Me because they knew I was an illegitimate child. They really hurt my feelings, but it’s the truth. And you can tell because in the Gospels only Matthew and Luke mention an alleged virgin birth! Nowhere else can you find immaculate conception mentioned in the New Testament! Maybe because those two Gospels were written way after the others, and they made it up to make Me seem more special as they christ-ified me! And then there’s Paul, who sure found a lot to write about in all his letters, but he never mentioned Me not having a human dad! Sorry to ruin Christmas for you… Not! It’s not even my f***ing real birthday!”

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