The number of UK pubs is falling and there is less consensus about how punters should behave. Here’s a guide to getting the most out of a trip to the boozer

In 2018, the pub occupies a rather uncertain place in British society. There are 50,000, nationally. But that figure has dropped by 10,500 since 2000. People are drinking less, drinking less frequently and, arguably, there is far less consensus these days about how to behave in pubs. Ahead of Beer Day Britain on 15 June then, here’s a fresh look at pub etiquette. How can we all get along in the modern boozer?

Don’t jostle other drinkers

Like good guitar bands or working-class actors, Britain still produces exceptional bar staff but their numbers have dwindled alarmingly. Professionals who can process that “invisible” bar queue with the confident oversight of an air traffic controller, while filling multiple glasses with octopus-like efficiency, are now a real rarity. In most pubs, that queue has to manage itself and responsible drinkers must lead by example to ensure it does not descend into chaos.

If it is three-deep at the bar, work your way in, but do not attempt to squeeze into non-existent gaps or reach out a hand to the bar, as if laying claim to that two inches of territory. Jockeying for position like that makes everyone feel uncomfortable, even the people doing the jockeying. You must approach a packed bar with a Zen mindset or it can ruin your night. Allow the person in front of you sufficient space to turn around from the bar with their drinks. Do not jostle past them.

Once at the bar, make your presence known to a staff member with a quick expectant raise of your eyebrows, then wait, patiently. Do not shout or gesticulate over the beer pumps. If a staff member comes to you and it is not your turn to be served, point to whoever is next. If that drinker thanks you, as they always should, that simple courtesy puts everyone in a good mood. It is the right thing to do.

Order slower drinks first

Bottlenecks arise in the pub that we cannot control. For instance, every late bar should have a separate queue for cocktails. But we all have a duty to declutter the bar as best we can. Are you sitting at a packed bar so that people are squirming in around you to get served? Then shift. Are you just milling around the bar in a big gang, as one of your mates waits to be served? Then shift. Are there six of you ordering and paying for each drink separately? Then, next time, pool your cash or put a fiver on your mate’s card, so they can order for you all. Put yourself out, not your fellow drinkers (and, no, you can’t pay with bitcoin). Likewise, if you find yourself in a “trendy craft beer bar” at 10pm on Saturday night, do not treat it like a novel anthropological field trip. Asking the staff to explain the difference between a saison, gose and porter, while you slowly consider six tasters of beer (and then opt for lager), is not getting into the spirit of things. It just gets on everyone’s nerves. Note: no more than two people from any group should approach the bar – one to order and one to hang back and ferry drinks to the table. Do not go to the bar until you know what everybody wants. Order slower drinks first (mixed drinks, coffees, Guinness).

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Have a sound round

Drinking in rounds (in financially manageable groups of two to six; couples need to get a round in each) is a profound act. It demonstrates that you trust your companions and, in accepting the risk that, yes, you may get an extra round in tonight (but that it all evens itself out, eventually), you are displaying a welcome positivity.

That is why any backsliding – disappearing to the toilet at last orders; ordering crazily expensive drinks on other people’s rounds; abruptly leaving after two pints – is sacrilege. As is being that mate who, instead of proactively heading to the bar in a timely fashion, has to be badgered to get up.

That said, buying in rounds should never be imposed on a group in a passive-aggressive power play. Do not make people drink quickly, do shots they do not want or drink £8 pints they cannot reciprocate. From driving to being skint, there are many reasons people opt out of rounds. Respect that.

Respect reservations

A glass with a beer mat on top is the universal sign that the person at that empty table has nipped out for a fag. Do not sit there.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Crisps should always be shared. Photograph: Alamy

Snack diplomatically

If you fancy some crisps or nuts, they are communal. Buy enough for the table, split the bags so everyone can dig in and if you have niche tastes (Scampi Fries, wasabi peas, dry-roasted peanuts), get some crowd-pleasers in, too (Quavers, Pickled Onion Monster Munch, anything salt ’n’ vinegar).

Keep your phone quiet

People making phone calls, texting and tweeting in the pub is to be expected and, unless they are giving it the full Dom Joly, of no issue. Volume is key. Showing your mate that hilarious video on YouTube? Mute it. Pacifying your kids with Paw Patrol episodes on the tablet? Get their headphones on. Spare us that tinny racket.

The ready availability of Google, incidentally, has not just ruined the pub quiz, but is spoiling the slow, meandering pleasure of pub chat. Historically, after four pints, trying to remember who played Ponch in the 70s TV series CHiPs might lead to a pleasant discursive ramble, halting at numerous unexpected points. Now, before you have even finished the question, some quick-fire browser is yelling: Erik Estrada!

Get quizzical

Q. What kind of people sit out the pub quiz but loudly debate each question? A. Selfish idiots.

Don’t mind the children

Given the rate at which pubs are closing, only the grumpiest curmudgeon would moan about the presence of children. No, this is not a creche: nippers should not be running around, fighting under the pool table or generally creating havoc (this applies to dogs, too). But if they are quietly colouring, playing on a phone etc, they are no bother. Do not sneer at the seven-year-old ordering a J2O at the bar. That is the next generation, in training. But also remember …

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Be tolerant of other people’s behaviour – the pub is not your living room. Photograph: Alicia Canter/The Guardian

Tolerate pub behaviour

… pubs are primarily adult spaces where people get drunk. There will be indiscreet conversations, there will be tables laughing at deafening volume, people may bump into you, you may hear frank opinions exchanged in a way that you (or your kids) find intimidating. One person’s lively is another’s rowdy. Find a pub that suits you but, as a general point, drinking in pubs is about learning to rub along with people. Accept that. Ignore the hubbub. Revel in it. But this is not your front room. You do not get to set the rules.

Swear your allegiance

No one should have to endure aggressive effing and jeffing that, rather than natural self-expression, is a provocative challenge to other drinkers. It alarms people. The landlord should intervene. However, banning swearing in pubs, attempting to police perfectly amiable adult conversations is, obviously, bollocks.

Keep it real

Boycott any pub that bans work clothes, allows customers to reserve tables or only sells beer in schooners. That is less a pub, more a private members’ club.

Sit where you like

Regulars can be the lifeblood of a pub and/or an active deterrent to everyone else (if they are constantly, confusingly behind the bar getting their own drinks; if they scrutinise every newcomer and chip in on their conversations). If you accidentally sit where the Monday folk musicians usually set up, it is polite to move. But if you half-jokingly, half-menacingly get told, “that’s Bob’s seat”, stay put. Bob sounds like a man who needs to embrace change.

Do not impose

At the bar or urinal, huddled in the smoking area or when approached by someone’s dog, opportune intersections occur in the pub when making a passing friendly remark to a stranger is not only acceptable but desirable. In a stormy world, it is part of what makes the pub a safe port. Keep it brief, though. Do not impose on people. Lone drinkers are rarely looking for conversation, or they tend to start one. That woman reading a book? She clearly wants to be left alone. Do not interrupt conversations at nearby tables. Much less sit yourself down, uninvited. Ignoring the above does not make you a character. It makes you the pub’s Larry Latch-On.

Be nice to the staff

Treat bar staff with respect. No “flirting” across the bar (it’s pathetic), no cheering when someone smashes a glass, no angry volleys because the satellite TV has gone down. Smile, relax, life is good. You are in the pub. Tip regularly (most staff will only take 20p if you say “and your own”; it is a small token but welcome), and take your empty glasses back to the bar. You are going anyway.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Arguing about closing time rarely ends well. Photograph: Alamy

Complain reasonably

Serving drinks is not the career it once was. The majority of pub staff know little about glassware, basic cocktails or how to assess the condition of cask ales. Some punters take this personally; they see it as a crystallisation of all that is wrong with the world. But what is the point of ranting, raving or giving young staff a patronising lecture? They are not to blame for their lack of training. Politely make your point. Stick to the facts. Speak to the manager. If you still can’t get your pint changed, swerve that pub in future. There are a lot to choose from.

Be toilet trained

A lot of things happen in pub toilets. No one is judging. But clear up after yourself, eh?

Don’t steal the glasses

It is not unheard of for pubs to lose £2,000 a year in glasses that go walkabout. In Bruges, the Beerwall cafe has alarmed each glass. The message? Stop stealing. It is seriously painful for pubs.

Check what time it shuts

Extended opening hours have eroded our understanding of last orders. There is no legally defined drinking-up time in England and Wales (it is 15 minutes in Scotland), and too many pubs will sell you a pint at 11.56pm and throw you out four minutes later. It is wrong, but arguing about it after six pints rarely ends well. Complain by email later. And, when buying a late pint, check what time the pub shuts.