Today news broke that last week, special counsel Robert Mueller (aka the man that half your Facebook feed is pinning their last shreds of hope to) has asked the FBI to look into allegations that a GOP activist, John Burkman, was offering money to women in exchange for making false claims of workplace harassment against Mueller. It's the sort of out-of-left-field, yet too on-the-nose twist you'd expect from the latter seasons of The Practice, the lawyer showing that once starred Dylan McDermott before James Spader and William Shatner burst through the walls of the set like the Kool-Aid man.

James Spader and/or William Shatner in an undated photo. Giphy

This story is still developing, so it's unclear who the women in question are, whether the GOP activist actually offered money, and whether James Spader and William Shatner colluded to stage a takeover of a network TV series or were just looking for something to do. What is clear, however, is that buried deep in the report is an absurd tidbit about an additional party in this alleged scheme. Per NBC News, journalists who had been contacted as part of the scheme "also pointed to Jacob Wohl, a disgraced hedge fund manager turned pro-Trump conspiracy theorist and Surefire Intelligence, a company connected to him, as being involved with Burkman’s alleged plot."

The report goes on to note that Wohl denied having involvement with Surefire Intelligence, but, and here's the kicker, "calls to a number listed on the Surefire Intelligence website went to a voicemail message which provided another phone number, listed in public records as belonging to Wohl’s mother."

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The call is coming from inside (your mom's) house.

Now, I should make it clear, I don't know who Jacob Wohl is besides someone I sometimes see getting publicly owned on Resistance Twitter, that horrific resort town from which I cannot escape.

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Which Jacob Wohl coffee shop experience was the best experience pic.twitter.com/Oa9j6IedcB — quaranbean (@christapeterso) October 24, 2018

His Twitter bio says that he is 20 years old, so by the rules we apply exclusively to white men, he is still a child and will remain so until he is confirmed to the Supreme Court. Therefore, I guess it makes sense that a business he may or may not have any relationship to has a phone that rings in his mom's house.

"Ma, can you get off the line? I'm trying to smear the special counsel! Gawd!"

Giphy

It's kind of like Ivanka Trump "working" in her dad's house. And probably just as effective.

You have to wonder why... well, any of this. When you're 20 you should be working as a life guard at the Malibu Sands Beach Club with your best friends, or giving a very misguided interview about why you won't vote because you're allergic to stamps. But a plot to interfere with an investigation into a sitting president? That's quite an ambitious unpaid internship.

I mean, how do you even list that on your resume? I'm just saying I feel like it wouldn't scan and would require a lot more explanation than it was worth. "Mr. Wohl, it says here that you 'did a big crime for MAGA.' Can you extrapolate?"

LinkedIn does not have a dropdown box for conspiracy, is what I'm saying.

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Also! I know we're living in unrelentingly dark times where nothing should surprise us, but I have to say the tactlessness of this whole scheme is just galling. It's really telling that these conspirators don't have any respect for the judgement of the people who believe them. I guess Surefire Intelligence is more of an ironic name? Unclear. Wohl and Co, it's alleged, immediately pivoted from ignoring and belittling Christine Blasey Ford's allegations against Brett Kavanaugh to paying women to make up similar stories about Robert Mueller. Who are these people's heroes, Matt Damon in The Departed?

Anyway, that's today's story from "Can You Imagine What It Would Be Like If All the Villains Weren't Idiots?" If you have any questions about this or about the eight-season run of The Practice or its spinoff Boston Legal, feel free to call me. I, an adult, have my own phone line for doing crimes.

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R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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