Winners

Maverick Vinales

Following his epic crash at Phillip Island poor Mav could have understandably spent the week after Australia sulking whilst picking out the diggerdoo splinters from his anus. Defeated once again by the relentless Marquez it would have been easy to have let his head drop and take the easy approach for the remainder of the season.

But thankfully not. The bi-polar FP1 World Champion rose to the challenge and comfortably took the race victory having led every lap. This time Marquez didn’t even get a look in.

Johann Zarco

The moody Frenchman ended his Malaysian GP rolling around in garlic stained gravel – so given this, and the fact he’s French, how could he possibly be a winner?

Before Joan Mir’s Suzuki knocked Zarco’s beret off the sulky Frenchie was flying. Whilst trying to keep up with him Johann’s teammate Crutchlow fell off – as this was this season’s 725th crash it wouldn’t normally raise an eyebrow but the fact Zarco and his accordion were easily outpacing the gobby Englishman speaks volumes. Johann had been quick all weekend.

Of course given he wasn’t last automatically also means he was in front of his HRC rival Lorenzo. A 2020 HRC contract beckons…

Losers

Jorge Lorenzo

Just read last week’s comments. I can’t be bothered writing the same stuff over and over.

Fabio Quartararararo

Before the race began it was looking like Fabio was about to dip his French loaf in the victory velouté. He had been sublime all weekend and stormed to pole – ahead of two more Yamahas. Meanwhile Marc Marquez (everyone’s most hated, race ruining ‘son of Dorna’) was way down the grid. So with Quartararararo flying, the Yamaha clearly suited to the track and Marquez starting so far back he could almost see Lorenzo the signs looked positive for his debut win.

That positively lasted until the first corner. After that he was swamped by the pack and never recovered. What went wrong? Cheese in the airbox? Frightened of a bath? The Germans? More than likely with Zarco doing well it was simply the laws of the universe that two Frenchmen couldn’t be seen to being brave so close to each other without quantum entanglement or a blackhole or something…

The haters

During qualifying Marc Marquez tried some ‘mind games’ with Quartararararo which failed badly (see Rossi’s 2015 season for another great example). Whilst following the Frenchie the grinning Spaniard high-sided in what initially looked like a trip to the hospital. What happened next? The moronic crowds cheered. What kind of ‘fans’ cheer a crash? A crash that could have broken a rider’s legs. Or worse. Totally disgusting behavior.

Because of his crash Marquez ended up qualifying 11th. The cheering knuckle-headed crowds were loving it…albeit slightly disappointed that he hadn’t broken his spine. Thankfully Marquez was able to soon pipe them down with a superb opening lap that saw him carve through the pack like a matador’s blade through a drugged bull’s gizzard. Marc ended the lap in second position silencing the hatred.

Worse still for the haters they had to witness Marc’s younger brother Alex take the Moto2 title – and they hate him because he’s the brother of someone they hate.

Ferrari

Meanwhile over in the mega-dull world of F1 there were faces as red as their car at Ferrari. Having made an incredibly suspicious power boost mid season (despite the engines in F1 not being allowed to be changed) the other manufacturers started to point the finger of suspicion at the Italian firm (that’s known for cheating). They claimed Ferrari were meddling with the fuel flow sensor to give them extra power when needed. Meanwhile the FIA, who love Ferrari for the prestige and whinging they bring to the sport, finally caved in and agreed to add a new sensor to the Ferrari to clear up any cheating allegations.

After the sensor was fitted suddenly Ferrari’s huge straight line speed advantage disappeared and their previous race winning car finished 52 seconds behind the winner. Ferrari claimed this was a coincidence.