By Alan Cock-Rant, our Swivel-Eyed Unionist Correspondent

- Scottish wind to be 'sucked' over the border to London

- Half of Scotlandshire's tidal power to be retained by fUK

Severe storm warnings have been issued for Southern England as winds of up to 80mph (130km/h) are predicted to hit the region during Monday. However, the Met Office has not issued any weather warnings for Scotland.

Instead, the Exeter-based organisation has taken the unprecedented step of issuing a white paper on the unreliability of Scotlandshire's weather and its effect on the Scottish economy.

The report, which was funded by the UK government as one of a series of briefing papers entitled "The terrible truths behind separation for Scotlandshire – A McSerf's Guide", argues that the typical weather patterns experienced in Scotlandshire make the region unsuitable for renewable energy generation, except within the context of the United Kingdom.

In a section entitled "Can Scotlandshire survive without London's hot air", the report's authors, Prof John Poultice of Strathclyde University and Dr I. F. Mayditawup of Exeter College of Cooking & Baking, propose the following argument:

The average sea-level air temperature in Scotlandshire is some five (5) Centigrade degrees cooler than that in Central London, where there is generally a considerable excess of hot air. This hot air tends to rise, drawing in the colder air from further north to replace it. This in turn leads to a net loss of available wind power in Scotlandshire as resources are sucked across the border to the benefit of the SE of England, in a traditional pattern common to most of the resources of Scotlandshire. The government of the former UK has also considered placing a large wind farm in Cumbria, following the line of the entire Scotlandshire/England border, and running the windmills in reverse to increase further the effect of atmospheric drift, as a punitive measure for the loss of oil and gas revenues. This would require a newly separated Scottish government to spend huge sums building a windbreak along the border, to be known as the High Atnospheric Drift Reversing Immobile Air Negator or HADRIAN. The consequence of this atmospheric drift is that, while Scotlandshire may boast some 25% of all of Western Europe's offshore wind power potential, this could never be realised by a separate state. If Scotlandshire were to leave the UK, all of Scotlandshire's wind would end up under the control of numerous wind bags which have already been installed for the purpose. These 1500 wind bags, which were originally purchased for the London Olympics to contain the many thousands of balls used in the various sports, but which are no longer required since the games ended, have already been located within the Palace of Westminster.

According to Dr Mayditawup,"It turns out that useless baw-bags quickly double up as empty windbags, sucking in most of Scotlandshire's resources, as soon as they enter the Westminster parliament. What a lucky coincidence!"

"The lack of storms in Scotlandshire this week clearly shows that the region is completely dependent on the rest of the UK for its future energy needs, so the Nationalists should just give up their ideas of separation right now." he continued.

The map on the right shows that Scotlandshire will be denied wind while the South of England enjoys an abundance of storms. The met office has also failed to allocate any of the tempests to Northern Ireland, possibly as an oversight.

The image also shows that the Republic of ireland, as an independent country, has been able to pay avant-garde artists Christo & Jeanne-Claude to cover its entire land mass with a grey tarpaulin to protect its infrastructure and people.

In a separate section of the new report under the title, "The tide flows in, the cash flows out", it is revealed that only half of Scotlandshire's enormous potential for tidal power actually belongs to the region. The report claims that all of the incoming tides in Scotlandshire were transferred in 1998 to a special 'Extra-Regio' holding, during a secret meeting held between Donald Dewar, Jack McConnell, Gordon Brown and Tony Blair, prior to the creation of the parliament of Scotlandshire.

This transfer of ownership meant that, in the event of separation, any electrical power generated on an incoming tide belongs, not to Scotlandshire, but to the office of the newly formed Former United Kingdom – Treasury High Appropriator of Taxes or FUK-THAT.

A spokesman for Yes Scotland said, "Aye right!"

Labour's Johann Lamont, in a rare public comment, told this reporter, "Ah never said 'sumfin fur nuffin' in ma puff. That's a lie. It wis a big boay said it and ran away!"

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