By Michelle Brown

This is part of a series about my abusive relationship called “Michelle’s Memories.” If you would like your story to be featured on the blog, please email healingucommunity@gmail.com.

A Memory From May 2017

My body knew that I needed to leave long before I did.

Something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what. I had struggled with IBS-related stomach cramps for much of high school, but all that was under control by the time I met Jared. But when I started experiencing debilitating stomach cramps every day and losing my appetite before meals, I began to wonder if my IBS was coming back.

During my time living with Jared, in addition to my terrible stomach cramps, I started sleeping 18+ hours per day. I got headaches randomly. I felt exhausted all the time. I was gaining weight, even though I could barely keep my food down. What is wrong with me? I thought. Have I come down with some terrible illness?

No, I didn’t have some awful sickness. Well, I guess in a way, I did. His name was Jared Lawrence*.

It was worst when we would go out to eat. Jared was a very picky eater, stemming from some of his anxiety issues, and when his food or the service at a restaurant displeased him, he would find a way to blame me — or at least to make me feel like I was at fault. Maybe because I was the woman and I was in charge of keeping his belly full? Maybe because he was inexplicably angry at the world and needed someone to take it out on? Either way, I began dreading mealtime, and I would start feeling nauseous as soon as we sat down at a restaurant.

Looking back, I now see that my body was giving me clear signals that this relationship wasn’t healthy for me – not just psychologically, but physically as well. My body was consistently entering fight-or-flight mode, and it utterly exhausted me.

When I finally did leave the relationship, things rapidly turned around. In spite of my sadness and confusion (the breakup was a complete mess, but that’s a story for another day), I began feeling better almost immediately. I dropped seven pounds, and I’ve kept them off ever since. I had newfound energy and stopped sleeping my life away. My headaches, racing heart, and anxiety all stopped. It was like I had stepped into a new body.

The moral of the story? Listen to your body. It knows you best. Take care of it. After all, it’s the only place you’ll live in for your whole life.