The thought of another unelected Tory prime minister – and this time in all likelihood a rightwing fanatic – is almost too much to bear. If a general election isn’t called before 2022 (the date set by the Fixed Term Parliaments Act), then we face the prospect of our next prime minister being one of the following: a serial liar, out only for himself; a man who gambled the life of a newborn baby to appease populist zeal; a guy who managed to piss off almost the entirety of our NHS workforce; a woman whose rise remains unfathomable but who is definitely, unmistakably, a mother; and Michael Gove, being his stubborn best. It’s like being offered a Revel, but only the coffee ones are left.

It is no wonder that much national opinion oscillates between disbelieving despair and incredulous laughter at our current political class. Perhaps then, we – the sensible on the left, or centre, or centre left – should hold our noses and do something spectacular: join the Conservative party. I understand this is about as enjoyable a prospect as taking a dip in a sewer, but shall we sabotage from the inside? We could hold fringe meetings in ironic burgundy trousers. Who’s in?

Conservative membership now stands at 124,000, or just double the capacity of Tottenham Hotspur’s new stadium

The Tory party elects its leader differently to the Labour party. Labour altered its rules under Ed Miliband to one-member-one-vote. An electoral college system giving a third of votes each to MPs, unions and members was abolished: part of the reason why Jeremy Corbyn could become leader. Candidates need the support of 10% of the parliamentary Labour party and, in newer rules, 5% of union or constituency party preference.

Conservative MPs choose a final two contenders, and then it is up to the membership to elect their favourite. This is a tricky situation at present, given the opinion of the parliamentary party (CLP) is disparate from that of members. Boris Johnson for instance, is not a popular choice with Tory MPs – some have even said they would leave the party should he become leader – but he is popular with the grassroots, often polling as favourite.

Given the level of attention given to entryism into the Labour party in the past few years, with it widely believed that far-left activists joined en masse, perhaps a sneaky and sassy takeover of the Tories is overdue.

This idea has been taken up by the far right. Arron Banks and Andy Wigmore, of Leave.UK, made no secret of their desire to join the Tories in a bid to influence the next leadership election. Wigmore said he wanted to join to “ensure that if there is a leadership contest then I can influence the type of leader the country and the Tory party need”. Banks announced that he had applied to join, received a favourable response from chairman Brandon Lewis, and then was flatly rejected. Gutted, mate.

Tory grandees have become unsettled by this prospect of former Ukip members and affiliates joining the party – which, sorry lads, you were basically done over by Ukip when you called the referendum. William Hague, who two decades ago was responsible for giving members that deciding vote between the final two, has warned that individuals who don’t subscribe to Conservative “values” might bring the party into “disrepute”. (I’d argue that a party responsible for a mass housing crisis, rising levels of food poverty and homelessness, and a Home Office that wrongly detains people, would have difficulty becoming less reputable).

Rather brilliantly, Hague has said that he regrets changing the rules because Tory members and activists are “not remotely representative of society at large or even of their voters”. Which seems quite a stunning admission to make. It was also his intention to boost membership with the change, although it now stands at 124,000, or just double the capacity of Tottenham Hotspur’s new stadium. The Labour rule changes meanwhile, boosting its own membership to more than half a million. (Although there are recent reports of droves of members leaving – up to 150,000 – over Corbyn’s Brexit stance).

Unless the Tories in Parliament support a vote of no confidence brought by Labour (and that would be extraordinary – she has already survived one), we are stuck with Theresa May as prime minister for now. She doesn’t seem close to stepping down (May said she would go if her deal passed but, obviously, her deal did not pass. And now the “flextension” lasts until October. Personally I feel she will have to be scraped off that front bench like chewing gum). And because those who wrote to the 1922 Committee made their move prematurely, so that May also survived an internal no-confidence movement, she can now not be challenged by her colleagues until December under party rules. Rules that the Committee is now looking at changing. They cannot stand the sight of that padded twofer jacket any longer.

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So let’s all join the Tory party – purely for the banter. Rock up to constituency meetings and ask questions, very slowly, about whether there is possibly anything else to be hunted instead of foxes; cough wildly into paisley Barbour handkerchiefs at key points; block the car parks with ostentatious 4x4s, despite the fact the town is almost entirely flat and the roads the width of canoes. Would this sort of roguery really be such a leap from the current messy contours of British politics and a Parliament that is quite literally crumbling? I mean, isn’t everyone else treating our democracy as a joke?

On second thoughts, I honestly don’t think I could bring myself to do it. And in the end, anointing, say, Dominic Raab to keep Johnson out would be quite the Pyrrhic victory. I guess it’s not actually that much fun to mess around if the playground you choose is truly rancid.

• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist