I’m not earning anything while sitting here, writing in my pyjamas in the middle of the day. I’m drinking cheap frozen coffee while flipping through the pages of a book called ‘Great Coffee’ and the irony of it just hit me.

The past month I’ve been “in between projects” — what those around me and others working independently consider to be the Danger Zone.

The Pit of Despair.

The Downward Spiral Into Financial Ruin.

From the end of april when I started out as an independent designer to now, the start of june, I’ve only worked one client project. Yep, you read that right. In the span of two months, only one project wasn’t either a ridiculously underpaid or entirely unpaid project — because I’m choosing to say no to those. Which admittedly means I haven’t done a lot of what’s considered “real” work. At first, I felt pretty terrible about it, like I was failing at adulting.

But then I started to realise the incredible value of it.

Most of what I’m doing right now are personal projects, what I call “working for myself for free”. I write, work, draw, read. I listen and I learn. It’s not like I’ll always only be doing my own stuff, because that’s just not possible. Eventually I’ll take the jobs and do the work. But right now I’m prioritising working for myself instead and I’ll gladly tell you why.

Obviously, we first have to talk about money. Exposure is nice, but it doesn’t pay the bills.

I didn’t go independent without any financial means whatsoever, I’m not that bold. At the beginning of 2017 I had saved up 80.000 DKK (~12.000$) from working full-time as an apprentice and freelance on the side, birthday and christmas presents, every single penny I could spare, I saved.

I could have used that money on clothes, makeup, a new gaming computer. Or on a motorcycle license which would’ve been very nice this summer. I could’ve bought more stuff, hell, 80.000DKK will get you a lot of more stuff. But the reality was I wasn’t satisfied with my education and I felt restrained as an apprentice. Everyone, despite my hard-earned skills, treated me as a child. My choices were not entirely my own. I wasn’t in control; I was just doing what everyone around me and society was expecting of a young person.

So I decided to invest that money on my future instead; on starting out on my own, to quit my education, my apprenticeship, everything. And so I did.

That was two months ago.

Though I can tell I’ve taken my life back into my own hands, my savings are quickly disappearing, even if I’m living off frozen coffee and oatmeal. It isn’t a lasting solution and it affects those around me, especially my family.

In april, my sister and I celebrated our birthdays together. While talking about how things were going, my mom suddenly turned to me and said;

“Let’s hope something comes along for you soon.”

Even though she shot me her best, comforting smile, I could see the deep pools of worry in her eyes. I felt terrible for telling her the joint birthday party was me and my sisters birthday present to each other.

She doesn’t know I’ve turned down four or five possible work opportunities despite being “in between projects”. She doesn’t know the internet is full of work you can just do if you’re willing to do it for 5$. I’ve tried explaining it to her, but she doesn’t get it at all.

One time, we were looking at pictures from when she was younger and my sister and I were kids. I remember asking her about a picture of our living room; “Mom, why were our sofas so ugly?” to which she answered “Well, we didn’t have that much money so I dyed the sofas to make them look smart.”

Remembering this, I understand her completely when she says;

“Why on earth would you turn down a job? Money is money, right, just a little bit is at least some?”

Growing up, my mom worked her ass off to put food on the table and proper clothes on her two daughters. Every single day and in the weekends too. She worked two jobs to put us in the best schools possible and to raise us up from the lower middle-class. I know the importance of money, the freedom it gives you. And I also know how trapped and useless you can feel without it.

So I do consider offers even when they’re kind of bad and I’m genuinely interested in people who contact me. I think it’s great they want to create something and start businesses — we have that in common. But sadly, even though some of them may have sparked some interest and involved great, potential clients, they mostly didn’t offer enough or any money at all.

It seems as a creative, especially as one who’s independent, I’m expected to survive on some kind of magical fuel — frozen coffee, maybe? Instead of just getting paid like everyone else. At one point, I almost felt obligated to take on a low-paying “10$ logo design” simply because I didn’t have anything else.

Even worse was when other freelance designers were saying things like; “It’s rough at first, we all go through it. You work hard for no money at all and you hope to someday get proper, paying clients. That’s just how it is.”

“That’s just how it is?” What kind of lame-ass reason is that?

At one point in all of this, I felt very frustrated and lonely. The days are long when you’re running from one meeting to the other or sitting at home despairing that you’re failing at a dream you’ve had for years. But then a dear friend recommended Andy J. Miller and his Creative Pep Talk Podcast who turned out to be exactly the person I needed at this time in my life. I began seeking out other people and designers, other sources of support. While surfing on YouTube I found Chris Do, the hardcore businessman and design ninja who made me realise I should price my services better.

Both of them reassured me those underpaid or completely unpaid projects were a no-go for me and I felt a whole lot better for not being alone in my opinion. I realised this; I already have a huge, unpaid design project in designing myself and my future career.

I already have a full-time, non-paying position in working for myself.

Maybe you’re thinking, well, you don’t have the luxury of the kind of savings I have, but I didn’t get it just by sitting on my hands, either.

I worked hard as hell for that money. It. Took. Years.

But I saved up and today that means I actually have a choice. So I’ve chosen keeping as much of my self-esteem and creativity as I can because I’m paying for it with my own money. I certainly don’t blame others for simply not having the choice or even for choosing to take on the projects. But me, personally? I can wait for the paying clients.

I’m willing to go the distance to win them over.

I’m not going to lose myself on the way.

The other reason I personally tend to forget, is you. Yes, YOU! Your self-esteem and your own well-being.

As mentioned before I’ve been listening a lot to Andy’s podcast Creative Pep Talk. In an episode, he talks about this exact issue with earning “just a little bit” which I had been advised to do by other independent designers because that’s how they’d done it. Andy says; “When you work for only a little or no money at all, you’re just surviving. You’re not thriving, you’re just barely getting by. And surviving is just one degree above death.”

Let that sink in for a moment.

That passion you have for what you do, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. And it won’t stick around while you’re beating yourse’f up over someone else’s project, broke and miserable. At least I know my clients won’t appreciate design I’ve positively hated doing and I want to be able to offer them quality.

I can’t go out and sell myself on just surviving as an independent designer.

I can’t justify it to myself, either. I may as well be working any other job, hell, a waitress or cashier job might even be paying me better.

In working for myself, I’m trying to focus inwards after many, many years of being focused outwards

I’ve gotten to know myself better. I go for walks with my cat, but mostly I sit inside and work, draw, write or scroll through Facebook. I don’t go out and have magical epiphanies on fancy museums or anything, those happen in the comfort of my shitty office chair at home. I don’t expect anything else from myself other than trying my best and doing what I think is right for me. And I certainly don’t expect anyone to do something just because that’s how I did it.

But this “in-between-project” period isn’t The Pit of Despair for me anymore. It’s no longer The Downward Spiral Into Unemployment.

It’s turned into something quite the opposite, in fact.