Having a baby is meant to be one of the most joyful times of your life, but as many parents know, it's more of a mixed blessing.

Many new mums might feel sad or anxious — or even develop some real rage.

Clinical psychologist Sally Shepherd, who went through the highs and the lows with her first child, felt like everything was "a bit of a blur".

It was also a bit of a shock.

Sally remembers that frightening feeling of not knowing what to do when going home from the hospital with a newborn.

"What, is this it? Is it all on me from now on?" she recalls.

"I haven't done any training, I haven't done any pop quiz, they're just going to let me go with this tiny human being?"

Dealing with an 'identity shift'

Sally Shepherd is a clinical psychologist based on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. ( Facebook: Sally Shepherd - author )

Sally wrestled with some of the more common challenges that come with being a new mum, like learning how to breastfeed, how to settle the baby and how many times they would wake.

She describes in her book, Beyond the Bump, how she came across some "identity shift" moments, as well as hormonal fluctuations and emotional changes.

Many times she was surprised, having not expected to feel or experience many of these first-time mum things.

One of those things was postpartum rage.

"I think anger in new parenthood is pretty common. It's something that I didn't expect to face, but did," she says.

Sorry, this audio has expired Hear more from Sally Shepherd on postpartum rage

Sally says she spoke to many mums about that anger, which is a common symptom of both anxiety and depression, which can happen through the pregnancy and postpartum period.

"The combination of sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations" can also be a factor.

"It can be a spectrum of irritability, snappiness, to a full-on rage moment where you don't feel fully in control of your anger," Sally explains.

"We feel like we're the only ones who experience it, but it's something that happens all the time."



But what's going on underneath all of that anger? Is it an emotion that's standing in for something else?

Sally never expected to feel the way she felt as a first-time mum. ( Facebook: Sally Shepherd - author )

Sally says it's often a secondary emotion, shielding us from our own vulnerable, primary emotions.

"In motherhood, there are so many feelings that we might be experiencing — things like shame, or guilt, stress, anxiety, depression, even jealousy," she says.

"Anger is almost something that we can do something about, and it's our fight or flight reaction.

"With our fight reaction, we feel we've got some sort of control over doing something, even though we might not be fully in control of our emotions or our anger.

"So anger can come as a bit of a mask for our more primary, more vulnerable emotions."

Without a village, it's hard to have a break



So is it best to simply walk away in the short-term and have a break?

Unfortunately, these days, babies don't tend to be born into much of a village lifestyle, Sally says.

"We're often quite isolated in our parenting, feeling like we have to be an entire village for our baby," she says.

"I think one really important thing to do is to speak up and let our village know how we're feeling and how they could help."

There also need to be practical supports in place for people to be able to take over from us, or for people to be able to help us.

"Even negotiating little code words with our partners at home, or another support person, like, 'it's your turn now', and having explained in advance that what this means is 'I'm overwhelmed, I'm not fully in control and I need to step away'," Sally says.

"You don't have to explain that in the moment when your 'fight or flight' might have already been switched on, and you might not be thinking super clearly. Just have a code so you can let someone know.

"Or, if there's no-one else around, and it's just you and your baby, it is much safer to be able to step away for five minutes and have a few deep breaths, and shake some of those stress hormones that have started accumulating in your body.

"As long as the [baby's] in a safe place in their cot, even if they're crying for a few minutes, it's safer than you trying to push through those emotions and potentially becoming a bit unsafe with your baby."

The dream v the reality

In theory, Sally explains, she expected to be up for much of the night with a new baby. That it would certainly be hard.

But she had no idea quite how tough it would be.

She thought it was going to be "really peaceful and cuddly", that she would "fall in love from the very beginning" and that her "maternal instincts were going to kick in".

But the problem for many mums, including herself, stems from not really talking about the realities of parenting.

Sally Shepherd is preparing for the arrival of her second child very soon. ( Facebook: Sally Shepherd - author )

Sally thinks we really need to be having really honest conversations with parents-to-be.

"If everyone talked about some of the things that were a bit more difficult with them, with their own support networks, it can be really helpful in just normalising some of those emotions and some of those adjustments for new mums so we don't feel so alone, or that we're failing, or not doing it right," she says.

Sally says the wild ride we're in for just isn't spoken about often enough.

Baby brain isn't always funny or cute.

"There are terrible stories about people on the roads and leaving babies in cars and being so exhausted that they roll on top of them in bed. And you just don't think it can happen to you. I think talking about it is important," she says.

"There are some real dangers associated with things like chronic sleep deprivation, when it comes to things like road safety and our ability to think in the moment and problem-solve.

"We've got this massive responsibility on our hands and we've never done it before … so we're learning lots, and doing that in an environment where we're clearly sleep-deprived and we're not thinking clearly and probably not engaging in that much self-care."

If you or anyone you know needs help: Lifeline on 13 11 14

Lifeline on 13 11 14 Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800

Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978

MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978 Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36 Headspace on 1800 650 890

Give yourself (and other mums) a break

The newborn stage, Sally recalls, was a time when she was "never alone, but lonely".

She was bored out of her mind, but couldn't concentrate on anything.

She was desperately tired, but too wired too sleep.

She once thought: "I guess some people aren't baby people, and I'm one of them."

So where is that line between being really tired as a new parent and realising that you need to seek some help for your own mental wellbeing?

"I think that it is a hard one, because everything about being a new parent is different," she says.

"Checking in regularly is so important. We sometimes think that when our friend's given birth they want space, and that they're too busy for us, but often they don't know how to ask for help, or they're kind of in a bit of a bubble.

"Offering specific help… like, 'let me go and hold the baby while you go and have a power nap', or 'I'm going to bring some freezer meals over for you'. Those sorts of specific things are really likely to be helpful.

"Of course we want to meet the baby because they're cute, and tiny, but we can sometimes overlook mum in that parent-child relationship."

Sally looks back on those times, and can now see that a mother's whole identity can be shifted. That it's easy to forget about yourself during the transition.

"I was almost trying to outrun the adjustment. I couldn't get used to not being autonomous and not having 'me time'," she says.

"I put conditions on my happiness. Like, I'm going to be OK, but only if and when my baby sleeps better."

She says that with perhaps more of a "this too shall pass" mentality, rather than trying to look forward to the next stage of her child's development, she may have been able to enjoy the ride a little more.