Regular Felchers

It was a beautiful summer evening and Steve Hogarty and Jon “Log" Blyth were rubbing baby oil onto each other’s chests on their deck.

“Oh God, Steve,” said Log, “I wish we could tell the others about our love. Our dirty, filthy, sweaty love.“

"But you know we can’t, Log,” replied Steve. “Isn’t it enough that we’re gay married?“

"I suppose so,” Log sighed. “And it was a beautiful ceremony.“

"It certainly was,” agreed Steve, “but you know Gav’s in love with you. If he learned about us it would break his hairy little Welsh heart.“

Log sipped his limoncello and gazed into the sunset. “I’m pretty sure Matt Lees has a raging boner for your sweet ass.”

Steve slapped Log’s glistening pecs. “Loggy! Are you jealous?!“ he teased.

"Fuck no!” exclaimed Log, “Matt Lees is bullshit! He can’t hold a candle to these!“ He flexed his guns (arm muscles).

"Ooh, Log!” giggled Steve. “You’re so macho!“

"Fucking right I am! Now suck my wanger dry, Steve. We’ve got ten minutes before we have to go and record our Regular Features podcast which is available on iTunes and at www.regularfeatur.es”

Steve knelt down and unleashed Log’s monster dong. It sprang to attention. He opened his mouth and started gobbling.

"Wait,” said Log, grabbing Steve’s head and looking into his eyes. “Say it, Steve. Say the catchphrase!“

"And now it’s time for Steve’s Regular Feature…”

Log closed his eyes.

* * *

“Goodness, that was a bit close to the knuckle,” said the Internet’s Matt Lees, packing away the podcast microphones, “my girlfriend won’t like that!“

"Yes,” said Log, “but in my defence, when you actually examine the evidence for the Holocaust-“

"Enough!” Steve interrupted. “We don’t want to hear any more of your anti-Semitic conspiracies!“

"Guys!” said Gavin Murphy, “Chillax! I llove bantz as much as the next guy, but you sound llike a married couple!“

Steve and Log shared a glance then fell about in fits of laughter. Steve felt a stirring in his loins. Nothing turned him on as much as hearing his big bear laugh.

"OK,” said Matt Lees, “I’m off to see my girlfriend with whom I’m in a heterosexual relationship. See you next week.“

Steve watched him leave. “I’m going to drop the kids off at the pool,” he said, “by which I mean go and do a shit.“

As Steve left the room, Gav leaned over and whispered in Log’s ear, “I wonder if he’ll take a shit on the toilet or if he’ll take a shit on a glass coffee table while you llie underneath and wank off.”

“What?!” exclaimed Log, spinning around to face him. “How did you-“

"It’s not difficult to figure out, Llog! Steve’s always banging on about how much he lloves his steamer, it doesn’t take a genius to see he means a Cleveland steamer! And you talking about your boyfriend… Stuart, Steve… it’s not exactly the fucking Da Vinci code!”

“OK Columbo, you found us out. So what, it’s not a crime to love another man!”

“It should be… unless that man is me!” Gav turned and sobbed into his sleeve. Log put his arm around him.

“Gav, Gav. You can’t help who you fall in love with. You’re an attractive man, God knows you are, but Steve is my soul mate. He understands my manly needs and is able to fulfil them.”

“Fuck that! Llet me nosh you off. Go on, Llog, llet me llick your glans until you spray your man gunk all up my nose!”

Gav started kissing Log’s neck and kneading his bollocks through his chinos.

“Gav! We can’t!”

“Of course we fucking can, Llog! We’re two randy guys ready for a good, hard man-fuck session. Get your ginger plums out!”

Log tried to resist but found himself giving in. Before he knew it his trousers were off and Gav had both of his testicles in his mouth. “Oh Gav!“ he moaned. “Milk my dirty python!”

Gav wrapped both hands around Log’s engorged weapon and pumped for all he was worth.

“Oh shit!” yelled Log as he started to dump his goo all up in Gav’s hair, “I AM JONATHAN OF NOTTINGHAM, KING OF THE JEWS!“

Just then they heard a crash outside the window. Log ran over and saw the Internet’s Matt Lees lying on his back with his trousers around his ankles.

"What the fuck, Matt Lees?! Were you watching us and wanking yourself off like a little monkey?!”

“Yes!” cried Matt Lees, “I couldn’t resist! That’s some fucking horny shit you’ve got going on there. I want in!“

"But you’ve got a girlfriend,” said Gav, joining Log at the window. “You’re always mentioning her to prove how ungay you are.“

"It’s just a front,” explained Matt Lees, “I’m totes gay, I’m just too afraid to explore my desire for man-love action.“

Log winked at Gav. “We can help you there, Matt Lees,” he said, helping Matt Lees in through the window.

“What are you guys… Gav! That’s Log’s spuff in your hair! I’d recognise it anywhere,” said Steve from the doorway. “Have you two been having hot gay intercourse while I was laying a cable? And why is Matt Lees hanging out of the window with his dick all erect and that?“

"Shh, Steve,” said Log, walking over and embracing his lover, “they know about us and they’re bang up for some four way podcast-based fuck action. Let’s show these fuckers how we bone.“

"Well in that case,” said Steve, pulling the quick release string which tore all his clothes from his body in emergencies such as this, “one of you cunts can get over here and service my sticky pipe!“

Matt Lees skipped over and stroked Steve’s throbbing member. He kissed his lips hard and whispered, “make me a man, Steve. Show me what love is.”

“Matt Lees,” replied Steve, “Ziggy says there’s an 80 per cent chance you’re here to rim me. Now get on your knees and lick my Quantum Leap accelerator (that’s what I call my anus).“

Matt Lees did as he was told and as Gav looked on longingly, Log began massaging his buttocks. “Get your clothes off, Gav. I’m going to slay (suck) your Welsh dragon (penis).”

Gav unzipped his tracksuit. “Be gentle with me, Llog,“ he said, “I want you to treat me llike a llady.”

“Wow, Gav!” said Steve as Matt Lees plugged his ass up with his tongue, “you have such a hairy head, I never knew you’d be so smooth in the groin!“

"Yeah,” replied Gav, “I had to shave my nads to send photos to someone I was trolling on Gumtree and I decided I lliked how streamlined it made me.“

"You’ll need to be streamlined,” said Log, “I’m going to ride you like a fucking racing bike.“ He took Gav into his mouth and began sliding back and forth like a 2p waterfall machine at the seaside.

"Oh God!” moaned Gav, as he reached over and started wanking Matt Lees, “this is everything I ever dreamed of!“

Steve grabbed Log’s slippery truncheon and started to tug. “This is amazing!” he cried.

Matt Lees stopped licking Steve’s bumhole and shoved his fist up there. “Guys, I’m going to blow my fucking beans,“ he wailed.

"Me too!” said Log, his mouth full of Gav’s meat.

“Hold on,” said Steve, “let’s all splurge together!“

"Onto this!” said Gav, pulling a photo of Roger Helmer MEP out of his bag.

They formed a circle, each with his hand on the rock-hard lovestick of the man to his right, pumping away furiously. In one beautiful moment that each had waited for his entire life, they blew their loads into one huge puddle of jizz on Roger Helmer’s moustache.

“Wow,” said Log as they collapsed into a hot, sweaty pile of flesh, “imagine if the readers had seen that!“

"It would have blown their fucking minds,” agreed Steve.

“Guys,” said the Internet’s Matt Lees, “where did our spaff go?“

They looked at the picture; it was clean and dry.

"That’s weird,” said Gav, “it was the same photo that I tried some Celtic magic shit on llast week. But that nonsense doesn’t really work… does it?“

* * *

"Steve, look at this,” said Log the following morning, handing his lover the newspaper. Steve paused Animal Crossing and put down his Gameboy 3D DS. He picked up the paper and read:

Helmer’s Climate Change U-Turn

BRUSSELLS (Reuters) - Roger Helmer MEP today announced that he has changed his opinion on climate change after some bizarre events outside the European parliament.

“Yesterday, out of nowhere a yacht-load of delicious spunk splashed onto my beautiful, moustachioed face,” said Helmer, 69. “My scientific advisers have confirmed to me that this phenomenon can only be attributed to global warming and I have seen the error of my ways. From now on I will be supporting wind farms and gays, and I will be listening to, and responding to, everyone who takes the time to communicate with me on Twitter.“

"Wow,” said Steve, “I always knew that Regular Features would change the world, I just had no idea it would be via the medium of our sperm.“

"I did, Steve,” replied Log, stroking his partner’s hair, “I did.“

THE END