Republican Senators formed an orderly line today on the Senate floor in order to eat out president Trump’s asshole. The hour long tongue bath began right after the elected officials cast their votes to acquit the president of high crimes and misdemeanors; leaving constitutional scholars uncertain which was worse: the destruction of our democracy, or Trump’s intermittent farts and the inevitable resulting spread of pink eye.

USA Today has gone ahead and finally settled the long debate over what tastes better: eating ass or gagging on an In-N-Out burger. Using over 100 volunteers, the newspaper had participants blindfolded before being told to stick their tongues out. Reporters then rubbed either someone’s asshole, or an In-N-Out burger on their tongue. The tongues were then cleaned, and the process was repeated once more with either the beef patty or the back pussy. The participants were then asked to rate the two different flavors. According to USA Today, In-N-Out Burger placed 4th; right after taint, balls, and ass. Reporters confirmed that they had not thought about how ticklish the asshole is; resulting in some vertical and lateral movement of the ass that landed tongues squarely on the taint or balls: both of which taste better than In-N-Out.