Dear Ami, Abi and Ada,*

*[Note: these are Sindhi words. They are respectful modes of address meaning mother, father and elder brother]

If you are reading this letter then the first thing I want you to know is that I love you very much. You have provided for me, supported me, and cared for me — in both emotional and material terms — since childhood to this day. I appreciate you, and there is no way I can ever repay you for all you have done.

Your favours and kindnesses are too many to list. I only ask that you grant me one more favour, by respecting a decision which I have made, and which I will now tell you about.

I am an adult now and I need to live life on my own terms. I need to have the liberty to make my own decisions about how I dress, where I go, whether or not I follow religion, and how I see my future.

For that reason, I am going to live independently. I need you to understand this without trying to use emotional blackmail or any other form of psychological or physical intimidation to make me change my mind. It makes me feel suffocated, claustrophobic and ultimately resentful when you try to force me to follow religious/cultural rules.

I do not want you to worry about me. I am financially independent now, and I have organised rented accommodation where I will be safe and comfortable. Nor do I want you to be under the misguided impression that I have run away to go and live with some secret boyfriend. That is not the case, and I have no such boyfriend. I’m doing this for my personal independence and freedom — not for anybody else.

Please do not think that I have made a rash or rushed decision. I have thought about this for a long time. When restrictive religious/cultural dictates are imposed on me, they make me feel miserable because I am not living according to my honest personal beliefs. I will continue to be miserable if I have no control over my own life. I cannot carry on outwardly following a religion which I inwardly do not believe in. (I will not put faith and cultural expectations over reason, and you cannot oblige me to do so. That would only make me a hypocrite.)

By moving out and living autonomously, I am simply pursuing my legal right as an adult in this country. The same laws which allow you your religious freedom also allow me the freedom to follow no religion at all.

I understand that it will be very difficult for you to accept my rejection of Islam, and you may never want to contact me again. That is ultimately your choice. However, if you can accept and respect the fact that I do not, cannot and will not follow religion, and that I wish to make my own life decisions without being controlled by anyone else, you can contact me at the following email address: [redacted]

I would be very happy to maintain a positive relationship with you as my parents. However, I am not willing to maintain contact if it is only going to lead to arguments about the way I have opted to live my life. We have argued too much already. Therefore, it may be some time before I respond to any emails you send. I will respond only when I feel ready to.

Regardless of what happens next or what you think about my decisions, I will always love you. Obedience and fear are not the same as love, and just because I choose to live my life differently, it does not mean I love you any less.

It pains me that I have to say this, but I will mention this as a precaution for my own safety. If, as a result of anger over my life choices, you try to harass, threaten, physically hurt or otherwise intimidate me at my workplace or elsewhere, I will be forced to exercise any legal rights available to me in order to protect myself from such behaviour.

Please do not attempt to scare or guilt me out of my decision. It will not make me change my mind. If you would like to contact me for any other reason, please do so in written form via the email address above. I need to be sure that it is safe to have a face-to-face interaction and that you will not pressure me during one.

If you do try to coerce me during a face-to-face meeting at a later date, I will have no choice but to walk away from you. I will be changing my phone number to prevent any contact made with the intention to compel me to change or come back. As mentioned earlier, I refuse to enter into quarrels about my personal choices.

Please feel free to use/donate/dispose of any of my remaining belongings as you see fit. I have taken everything I really need.

I have not told you all of the above to hurt you. I do not enjoy causing you disappointment or pain. But I only have one opportunity to fully experience life, and I will not sacrifice that opportunity for the sake of religious/cultural practices which I do not agree with.

I will always love you.

Zara

9th September 2017

(Minor edit for clarity February 2019. Removed some word-level repetition)