I’m a lady who needs her coffee. Sure, I know how to make it at home and often do, by the carafe-full. Sometimes, however, life requires you to head to a coffee shop where a barista will whip up a nice caffeinated beverage for your enjoyment. Ahhhh, frothy 2%.

Of course the problem with these shops, are the pastries. The gluten-laden, deceptively delicious-looking, muffins, scones, donuts, and cakes. Thus far, not one of the 15 coffee houses in my area have gotten the memo about the 1 in 133 of us who might not want to live in their bathroom after ingesting a chocolate chip scone.

This means bringing in your own food, at the risk of being busted or shamed by your douche bag husband. (Note: Not MY husband. He’s got not a shred of douche-baggery and provides useful pockets for this venture. I know, I’m a lucky woman.)

Since it’s your god-given right to enjoy a latte, macchiato, wet cappuccino, or a double espresso whenever, and wherever you want, you’ll be excused for assuming you can do whatever the hell you want in these establishments. Excused by me, maybe not the owner who worked hard perfecting her hazelnut muffin. Which is why you have to sneak your gluten-free goods. Here’s how.

1. Travel Crumbless

Forget the gluten-free croissant (mostly because they don’t even exist), go for something dense like the gluten-free lemon poppy cake you see being unsheathed from my trench coat above. Keep it clean, Celiacs.

2. Don’t Look Guilty

Hey, you’ll starve to death if you’re never allowed to eat inside a coffee shop, amiright? No? Well, you might get a little bit peaked. So don’t act like you’re doing anything wrong when you order your almond milk latte, no matter how big the gluten-free baguette is sticking out of your computer bag.

3. Mind the Lighting

The darker, the better, and the more antiques stacked in corners the more places to hide your muffin. No one is going to get up in your business if they can’t even tell what it is you’re doing under your coat over there.

So go forth Celiacs! Spread your gf pastry around town.

Do you ever sneak gluten-free food into dining establishments? How do you do it?