Texans (0-1) @ Bengals (0-1) – Game 2 Rant

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

So last night I decided I’d try to be analyst-esque and take notes on my phone during the game, Here are my actual, hard-hitting takes:

The last note was made at 9:54pm, about the time the haze of dread and Coors Banquet Beer set in. I could have taken notes for the second half, but they wouldn’t look much different, except maybe a few “Yeah Fat Randy!” comments.

Eight quarters, zero touchdowns. That’s the only f*cking stat you need.

I don’t give a sh*t about the offense line. They’re bad, we know it, but what really bothers me is the coach’s inability to adapt to it. You still have AJ Green, Giovani Bernard, Joe Mixon, Tyler Eifert, Brandon Lafell and John Ross on your roster. Get the football into the f*cking endzone. Ken Zampese is a pile of dumpster fires on a burning train, going off the rails, over a cliff and barreling into Sh*t Canyon. What a colossal cluster f*ck.

Wasn’t it cool seeing Ross that one time? You know that one time. It was the time he made a dynamic play, fumbled the ball, then we never saw him again. Maybe we did, but I don’t remember and I’m not going through the stat sheet. Did you watch the Chiefs and Patriots game a week ago? Remember when Kareem Hunt fumbled on his first NFL carry, but the Chiefs decided to stick with their guy and kept feeding him the ball? Remember his 148 yards rushing that night? Why the f*ck didn’t Ross see the ball again for the entire game? (Ok, I’ll admit, I checked the stat sheet. He had zero touches or targets after that.)

That falls directly on the OC and Head Coach. I do not understand their inability to figure out which f*cking back to hand it to for each down and distance situation. 3rd and 2, obvious running play and you hand it to Gio? Are you serious? I love Gio, don’t get me wrong, but 3rd and short in the Power I is not Gio’s down. Ken Zampese has absolutely no idea what he’s doing and that’s Marvin’s fault. I’ve been a Marvin apologist for a long time. Marvin Lewis single-handedly brought professional football back to Cincinnati and I will never forget the great things that he’s done for this team and community, but it’s been long enough. He makes zero in-game adjustments and he is personally responsible for the coordinators that answer to him.

Marvin Lewis has got to go. Hell, Tom Coughlin won two Super Bowls and he was still shown the door in New York. It’s time to move on from this head coach and offensive coordinator. Things are so bad on the offensive side of the ball that AJ Green is speaking out. When that guy talks, you better listen.

Know who else thinks the offense sucks? Pacman Jones and the rest of the defense. I agree.

I know the defense gave up that 49 yard f*ckin’ scramble to Deshaun Watson, which triggered haunting memories of EVERY F*CKING TIME THE BENGALS MAKE A STAR OUT OF A FIRST TIME STARTER, but overall they’ve played pretty well. There was a Chris Smith and Ryan Glasgow sighting last night, so that’s a thing.

We are 10 American days into the 2017 NFL season and this team is already f*cking clown shoes. 0-2 against two sh*tty teams. We are going to get our doors blown off in Green Bay next week and I’ll be there in person to witness it. At least I’ll get to see Lambeau and one good football team. *sigh*

Cedric Ogbuehi does have small head, though.

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Postgame Rants All Season From THE JUNGLER

Follow

