Or President Trump, for that matter, who keeps insisting he cannot and should not be blamed for massively screwing up his first response to the coronavirus. The president has made this clear in his Rose Garden address: "I don't take responsibility at all." Like any great leader, he knows it's always someone else's fault. But who then? So many classics to pick from. How about the Center For Disease Control? It's in their name, after all. And let President Trump tell you, these nerds really have been dropping the ball lately, really showing their incompetence by letting the guy who graduated bottom of his class at Pumpkin Business School and his yes-walrus slash their budget, chase off their leadership and disband their national pandemic response team in 2018.

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OK, not the best scapegoat. What about Obama? If President Trump has proven anything, aside from that painting in the corners of your spray tan is a sucker's game, it's that you can always blame "lazy" Obama and "sleepy" Joe Biden for everything bad that happens. Did you know it's because their handling of the 2009 swine flu was such a "full-scale disaster" you're not getting adequate prevention measures today? They only managed to *checks anyone other than Trump's notes* start nationwide testing, reverse-engineering a cure and declaring a state of emergency in the same time frame that President Trump was still calling the coronavirus alarm as a Democratic "hoax". And somehow, this is why the current federal government is unable able to do more to cope with the coronavirus than a nine-person Iranian fishing village.

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That doesn't make a lick of sense? Passing the buck doesn't have to. But fine, let's go for the slam dunk: foreigners. That's right, President Trump calls it like he sees it: This is not just a coronavirus, it's a "Chinese Virus." This is why the president's first plan was always going to be to close the borders -- that medieval knee jerk reaction policy that famously always works out and is why we haven't had a single epidemic since 1377. In fact, travel ban them all, Trump seems to think; the Chinese, Iranians, all those dirty Europeans -- all, except the ones with Trump resorts in them anyway.