

As requested by anon. :)



As we’ve previously done with the espada, we’re going to imagine that the Stern Ritter work as taxi drivers. How would they be rated by their human passengers?



1. As Nodt: 1/5 stars

Pretty sure this guy was *trying* to scare me, what with all of the “ooh I can make this yellow light!” and “hold on I’m gonna take this turn fast” and “oops I think the brakes just failed we’re probably going to die.” Kinda the worst ride ever.



2. Meninas: 5/5 stars

She was a great driver and all - very professional and friendly - but that’s not why I am leaving this review. No I just have to talk about how she lifted all THREE of our suitcases AT ONCE and lifted them ALL INTO THE TRUNK. It was AMAZING. She is SO STRONG I think I love her



3. Bazz-B: 4/5 stars

I have to admit, when this punk guy pulled up I was a little nervous, but I shouldn’t have been! He was so wonderful! He told me he liked my hair and my eyebrows and my shirt and basically just made me feel so validated. I mean, it was kinda weird the way he only used one finger to drive and bragged about it constantly, but on the other hand he was such a sweet little punk dude



4. Giselle: 1/5 stars

There was blood in the back seat of her cab. I did not get in, but I did tell her. As I left, I am pretty sure I saw her in back seat licking it up. I think she’s a serial killer



5. Ishida: 5/5 stars

His cab was so clean! You know how I know? Well partly because it smelled really good, but mostly because the driver knitted seat covers for the backseat. Yeah, he knitted them himself (he told me). And they were white! White seat covers in a cab, and they were clean. I have no idea how he manages it. He must clean them so well.



6. Gerard: 3/5 stars

“Miraculously, I’ve never hit a red light,” he told me when I got into his cab. I started to ask how that was possible, but then he started driving, and I didn’t stop screaming for the next twenty minutes. It was a miracle we survived. As he said. While laughing. But three stars because it was pretty fast I guess





7. Bambietta: 1/5 stars



This driver is a totally f*cking rip-off!!!!!! I got in and she asked me in this sultry voice if I wanted to “help make her day really good” and I was like f*ck yeah I do and then she started driving around forever and racked up this giant tab and I had to pay like fifty dollars to go three miles and I was so f*cking mad and she was all, “thanks I feel great” f*ck that



8. Askin: 2/5 stars

Do not use this driver unless you’re okay with coffee fumes so thick that it’s almost poisonous. Only not poisonous because the driver “knows what sort of fumes it takes to kill a person” as he told me. Like wtf dude. Wtf



9. PePe: 1/5 stars

Look, I hate chatty cab drivers. I just do. I know some people like it or whatever, but I don’t. And frankly I think that if the passenger doesn’t seem to want to talk then the driver should respect that. But this guy kept going on and on about how love is the most important force in the universe and it was just so irritating. Certainly wasn’t feeling love by time I got to my destination let me tell you!



10. Mask de Masculine: 4/5 stars

There was a small man in the front seat who clapped whenever the driver did anything. Just sat there and clapped. A tiny man. Can’t make that shit up.



11. Lille: 2/5 stars

Look, buddy, don’t proselytize. I sure you are the messenger of god or whatever but also you’re driving a cab. So just give it a rest already.



12. Haschwalth: 5/5 stars