ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Police in the far south, the south and Queensland have shared news today that none of them are going to be conducting random breath tests anymore amid coronavirus fears.

Superintendent Brett Coleson from the Betoota Heights Police Station broke the news to local media today where he explained that the risk to police was just too great.

“We are confident that the people of Betoota will continue to drive and operate their vehicles in a safe and responsible manner,” he said.

“If we suspect a driver of being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, we will still pull them over and test their breath.”

When asked by our reporters if he thought people would take the piss not only here but up and down the eastern seaboard, Superintendent Coleson laughed.

“Of course not. Australians are a common-sense people and they know the risks associated with drink driving. It puts you and other people on the road at greater risk. That message has been drilled into all Australians for generations. People know not to drink-drive. Just because there’s no RBTs, it doesn’t mean people are going to take the piss out of the police.”

However, The Advocate’s editor Clancy Overell has already taken full advantage of the police’s stand-down on breath testing.

The 65-year-old liver transplant recipient drove himself home from the slot cars after lunch after consuming, in his own words, “six and a half longnecks of Pikes Traditionale Riesling and half a gaggle of foie gras on rye.”

“Have you ever looked at a policeman and just thought to yourself, ‘Fuck me, there is nothing behind those eyes, is there?’ because I have. I do think that frequently,”

“Jesus Christ, Errol. I’m so fucking drunk right now. I simply cannot believe that I drove back here. How does the Fairmont look? Is it scratched?”

The front bumper was hanging off and he’d sideswiped Wendell Hussey’s electric blue 2001 Toyota Rav4, leaving a sickly cream stripe up the flank of it.

“Why on Earth would the police say they’re not testing the breath of free man anymore? How dumb are you, cunt? My favourite acronym, funnily enough. HDAYC. How dumb are you, cunt?”

“What were we talking about, again?”

More to come.