ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The young people of New South Wales and to some extent, around the nation, have decided to never touch drugs again after the Premier of the country’s second worst state said they were bad.

Wiping her hands ceremoniously this morning as she stood on the steps outside the New South Boomerstan Parliament in Sydney this morning, Premier Gladys Berijiklian said her government has solved the problem.

Earlier this afternoon, the Premier spoke to The Advocate via ham radio.

“It was that easy,” said the Premier.

“Parents should take note. Sometimes you just have to be stern with young people to make them listen,”

“The Bible-thumping conservative overlords in the Liberal Party who decided to make me Premier are also very pleased. Now we just need to focus on all the dead fish. Not too much, I don’t want people to find out that we’ve greenlit some of the worst environmental vandalism in recorded Australian history under this government [laughs] Seriously, though, that’s all off the record.”

Our reporter spoke to a polite local young person about Premier Berejiklian’s comments about not doing drugs because they are bad.

Michelle Palmerston took time out of her busy afternoon of smoking cones under her friend’s grandmother’s Betoota Heights Queenslander to share her journey from being a ‘festival pinga rat’ to basically a Young Liberal.

“When the Premier of Mexico said that doing a bunch of caps is bad, I decided that I shouldn’t do them ever again – and I never will,”

“Honestly, I’m considering hanging up the bong, too. I’ve gone from thinking we should probably just cull every baby boomer for the benefit of the planet, like just shoot them in the street like John Lennon, to thinking that drugs are bad. Loud live music is bad. Casinos are good. Taking kickbacks from property developers are good. Malcolm Turnbull is a victim,”

“I’m happy like this.”

More to come.