EXT. WARREN - AFTERNOON

Brave mercenary MERCENARY CAESAR OF WARREN is arguing with beautiful dancer DANCER FEENA OF WARREN. CAESAR tries to hug FEENA but she shakes him off.

CAESAR

Please Feena, don't leave me.

FEENA

I'm sorry Caesar, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

CAESAR

I am such a person!

FEENA frowns.

FEENA

I'm sorry, Caesar. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

FEENA leaves.

CAESAR sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, rad mercenary MYRMIDON RADD OF WARREN barges in looking flustered.

CAESAR

Goodness, Radd! Is everything okay?

RADD

I'm afraid not.

CAESAR

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

RADD

It's ... a dragon ... I saw an evil dragon eat a bunch of clerics!

CAESAR

Defenseless clerics?

RADD

Yes, defenseless clerics!

CAESAR

Bloomin' heck, Radd! We've got to do something.

RADD

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CAESAR

You can start by telling me where this happened.

RADD

I was...

RADD fans himself and begins to wheeze.

CAESAR

Focus Radd, focus! Where did it happen?

RADD

Archanea! That's right - Archanea!

CAESAR springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CAESAR rushes along the street, followed by RADD. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. ARCHANEA - SHORTLY AFTER

MEDEUS THE SHADOW DRAGON an evil dragon terrorises two clerics.

CAESAR, closely followed by RADD, rushes towards MEDEUS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

RADD

What is is? What's the matter?

CAESAR

That's not just any old dragon, that's Medeus the Shadow Dragon!

RADD

Who's Medeus the Shadow Dragon?

CAESAR

Who's Medeus the Shadow Dragon? Who's Medeus the Shadow Dragon? Only the most evil dragon in the universe!

RADD

Blinkin' knickers, Caesar! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most evil dragon in the universe!

CAESAR

You can say that again.

RADD

Blinkin' knickers, Caesar! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most evil dragon in the universe!

CAESAR

I'm going to need wyrmslayers, lots of wyrmslayers.

Medeus turns and sees Caesar and Radd. He grins an evil grin.

MEDEUS

Caesar of Warren, we meet again.

RADD

You've met?

CAESAR

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CAESAR is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees MEDEUS. He takes off his headphones.

MEDEUS

Would you like some orange juice?

CAESAR's eyes light up, but then he studies MEDEUS more closely, and looks uneasy.

CAESAR

I don't know, you look kind of evil.

MEDEUS

Me? No. I'm not evil. I'm the least evil dragon in the world.

CAESAR

Wait, you're a dragon?

CAESAR runs away, screaming.

EXT. ARCHANEA - PRESENT DAY

MEDEUS

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

RADD

(To CAESAR) You ran away?

CAESAR

(To RADD) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CAESAR turns to MEDEUS.

CAESAR

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CAESAR runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

CAESAR

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with wyrmslayers.

MEDEUS

I'm not scared of you.

CAESAR

You should be.

EXT. DOLHR - LATER THAT DAY

CAESAR and RADD walk around searching for something.

CAESAR

I feel sure I left my wyrmslayers somewhere around here.

RADD

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly wyrmslayers.

CAESAR

You know nothing Radd of Warren.

RADD

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, MEDEUS appears, holding a pair of wyrmslayers.

MEDEUS

Looking for something?

RADD

Crikey, Caesar, he's got your wyrmslayers.

CAESAR

Tell me something I don't already know!

RADD

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CAESAR

I know that already!

RADD

I screwed your sister.

MEDEUS

(appalled) Dude!

While MEDEUS is looking at RADD with disgust, CAESAR lunges forward and grabs his deadly wyrmslayers. He wields them, triumphantly.

CAESAR

Prepare to die, you evil dragon!

MEDEUS

No please! All I did was eat a bunch of clerics!

FEENA enters, unseen by any of the others.

CAESAR

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those clerics were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Caesar of Warren defender of innocent clerics.

MEDEUS

Don't hurt me! Please!

CAESAR

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these wyrmslayers on you right away!

MEDEUS

Because Caesar, I am your father.

CAESAR looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

CAESAR

No you're not!

MEDEUS

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

MEDEUS tries to grab the wyrmslayers but CAESAR dodges out of the way.

CAESAR

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, MEDEUS slumps to the ground.

RADD

Did he just faint?

CAESAR

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly wyrmslayers.

CAESAR crouches over MEDEUS's body.

RADD

Be careful, Caesar. It could be a trick.

CAESAR

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Medeus the Shadow Dragon is dead!

CAESAR

What?

CAESAR

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

RADD claps his hands.

RADD

So your wyrmslayers did save the day, after all.

FEENA steps forward.

FEENA

Is it true? Did you kill the evil dragon?

CAESAR

Feena how long have you been...?

FEENA puts her arm around CAESAR.

FEENA

Long enough.

CAESAR

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Medeus the Shadow Dragon.

FEENA

Then the clerics are safe?

CAESAR

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable clerics enter, looking relived.

FEENA

You are their hero.

The clerics bow to CAESAR.

CAESAR

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Medeus the Shadow Dragon will never eat clerics ever again, is enough for me.

FEENA

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the clerics passes CAESAR a golden ring

FEENA

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CAESAR

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CAESAR

Well, if you insist.

CAESAR takes the ring.

CAESAR

Thank you.

The clerics bow their heads once more, and leave.

CAESAR turns to FEENA.

CAESAR

Does this mean you want me back?

FEENA

Oh, Caesar, of course I want you back!

CAESAR smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CAESAR

Well you can't have me.

FEENA

WHAT?

CAESAR

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a dragon to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

FEENA

But...

CAESAR

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Radd.

RADD grins.

FEENA

But...

RADD

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

FEENA

Caesar?

CAESAR

I'm sorry Feena, but I think you should skidaddle.

FEENA leaves.

RADD turns to CAESAR.

RADD

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CAESAR

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly RADD stops.

RADD

When I said I screwed your sister, you know I was just trying to distract the dragon don't you?

THE END