WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation for allegedly filing a fraudulent claim, sources confirmed Friday. “Can you believe it? I wrench the hell out of my back while showing a diplomat around the Rose Garden, and now they’re trying to take away my disability check?” a back brace–wearing Biden said of the ongoing probe into his settlement, noting that he expects to be “on the mend” for at least a few months. “I got this jerk-off from the insurance company snooping around, and I keep telling him, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t get off my case, I’m likely to re-aggravate my injury and be off the job even longer.’ I’d love to get back to work, but right now my lawyer says the best thing for me to do is take it easy and keep collecting those checks, so that’s exactly what Uncle Joe’s gonna do.” Biden added that while he’s been treating his injury with “a few cold ones, [he] could definitely use some Oxy to help put out the fire.”

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