SOCHI (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin said today that gay spectators should feel welcome at the upcoming Winter Olympics but warned them against “any flamboyant displays that draw unnecessary attention to themselves.”

“The Olympics have always been, and should always be, about the athletes,” President Putin said. “Any attempt by homosexuals to flaunt their bodies in a way that is distracting, provocative, or arousing will be frowned upon.”

“Specifically, gay spectators should remain fully clothed at all times, and resist the temptation to unveil their chiseled biceps or shredded abdominals,” he said.

“Furthermore,” he added, “under no circumstances should gays oil, grease, or otherwise lubricate their torsos in an effort to highlight their glistening, ripped pectorals.”

He closed his remarks with one final warning for gay spectators in Sochi: “Remember, this is the Olympics. It is strictly forbidden for you to expose your thighs, buttocks, or especially your nipples, erect from the frigid Russian air.”

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Photograph by Alexsey Druginyn/AFP/Getty.

[#image: /photos/590950f8c14b3c606c103604]See more of The New Yorker’s coverage of the Sochi Games.