Ohayouu-saaann~~ minna-san, moukarimakka?? (Kansai/Johto dialect: 'Morning folks! How's business??)

Welcome to the 7th edition of Judge a Pokemon. Today, we're airing live from the lively and beautiful region of Johto, home to the best in-game Pokemon story ever. No, but seriously, GS was the the best Pokémon game (except HeartGold / SoulSilver, maybe). It also came with some of the best Pokémon designs, frankly (even if a lot of them are shit competitively). The region of Johto has so many awesome Pokémon; we really struggled to pick out a good list for JAP, but I'm sure it will not disappoint.

Neither will our crew~! Fatecrashers made an early return from retirement, jumping in at the last minute to join us back on our cast. I'd also like to welcome Zracknel to the panel! Zrak is one of the most awesome art contributors to the community, and if you don't know him you should—read more about our special guest panelist in his interview that also features in this issue of The Smog! Special thanks to Birkal for offering to jump in at the last minute, though we managed to get things in gear. I'll be having him join us on the panel some other time.

Oh, also, Bojang pulled rank and jumped in too. Ah, well.

With that, I hope you all enjoy this edition of Judge a Pokémon! —Chou Toshio

Tyranitar is pretty special for me. I used to hate it right up until the end of ADV. It still has its days when I think it's a clunky-looking, rather plain waste of a good concept. And since choosing to use it as the mascot for the re-hashing of my SPL franchise, I've had to listen to a couple of rather mean comments about how our logo looks more like a Bulbasaur. But there's a reason I was stuck on Tyranitar as a mascot: it's a Pokémon icon. The poster boy for the golden age of Pokémon. There was something different about it—alien, but still familar. Simple, but compelling. Another reason I love Tyranitar is because it manages to do something that none of the prehistoric Pokémon manage to do, other than arguably Aerodactyl—it looks like a threat. It looks like it could, and probably would, rip you in half, toss you up in the air, and swallow you in one gulp. Tyranitar, like Gyarados from the generation before it, is a true monster. It's one of those Pokémon that you needed in order to survive as a Pokémon player in the playground. A powerhouse.

I know this is becoming a bit of a habit for me to say, but Tyranitar is a Pokémon about which I often change my mind. Some of the time, it's grand and imposing; the green hue of its skin is a lovely choice; its gaping jaw the apex of intimidation. Other times, including right now, Tyranitar is a train-wreck of a design. It's fat and cumbersome; the blue seems completely out of place with the rest of it; its head is far too small for its body. It's safe to say that Tyranitar will never be one of my favourite designs, but I suppose (for now, at least) it's safe from any meteors I have at my disposal.

I have to say, considering Larvitar and Pupitar who came before him, I had high hopes that what emerged from Pupitar's rocky cocoon would be something bold and exciting, but what we got instead was a stone dinousaur thing with the typical spikes as well as hideously stubby arms. That said, the color scheme is not bad and matches up well its predecessor Larvitar, so nice job on that, I guess. But, man, Game Freak, there were endless possibilities there and you probably picked the least imaginative option possible, what a pity. Tyranitar does look very cute as the mascot for the SPL team Tyrants though, so cute that I did not recognise it as Tyranitar at first, so I guess it has that going for it.

Anyone who has poked their head into a CAP art submission thread is no stranger to the following critique, or at least the spirit of it: "this doesn't look like a Pokémon". This criticism is so ubiquitous that it's no longer allowed in those threads. I think we'd all like to see each of the characters of the Pokémon franchise being brilliantly unique creations, each 'mon adding something different to the mosaic of "what it means to be a Pokémon". But let's be real here: as evidenced above, Tyranitar is nothing new. He's a remix of several ideas that came before. He's got so much in common with those other RBY/GSC Pokés that I think it's fair to say that he... looks like a Pokémon. Sure, he's got a color scheme that is mostly unique. No other Pokémon has those black geometric shapes on its chest and limbs. There are some other unique—though minor—features, sure. On the whole, though, I don't feel you can argue that big boss TTar is doing anything beyond the realm of our expectations.

A fearsome bipedal Pokémon that stands tall. The spikes that coat its back, its serpentine tail, sharp teeth and claws all send a clear signal: this is a predator. This guy is going to ruin you. So, uh, here's a question. Which Pokémon fits this description? Tyranitar?

Tyranitar is just such a fucking beast in every way. Even if design-wise, it might just be a Poké-fied Godzilla, it is still one of the most bad ass pieces of work, in battle and design-wise, in the series. Definitely a personal favorite. You guys need to see the 4th movie, where the main antagonist uses a steroid-pumped Tyranitar... "Bangirasu... Hakai shinasai..." (Tyranitar... destroy them please...). It was pretty epic. Uh... be prepared. Probably because of the nostalgia of GS but, almost all my reviews this round will have way too many references to Pokémon movies. Deal with it, or I'll have Tyranitar go firin' its lazor at you.

...until I looked up "Yogirasu's" evolution on Serebii... holy shit... I think the training Larvitar up to Tyranitar was the only thing that kept me playing GS after I'd beaten the Elite Four... It was worth it...

I look back on it with nostalgia, but was it really over a decade ago that I first hiked through Shirogane-Yama (Mt. Silver)? Yes, I was playing on the Japanese version (as everyone in Hawaii did) because the English hadn't come out yet. I remember the excitement of the exploration, well epitomized by the array of fantastic beasts roaming the grasses and cave—the last uncharted territory. What I didn't expect to find though, amongst the great beasts of the wilderness, was one strange cute lizard-cabbage thing that immediately raised an eyebrow. It was so cute and unassuming—rotund and adorable, with a mere level of 20. Still, I was enchanted by the charming treasure I had found, and was bent on capturing it. I remember chucking over 20 PokéBalls at it after paralyzing it, since I had no teammates weak enough to attack a level 20 enemy with (especially since I had no idea what its typing was). Needless to say, I wasn't pleased when I caught it and found it was yet another Rock / Groundd-type...

Unown is quite possibly the most ingenious Pokémon to ever come out of the GameFreak hivemind. Unown is much more than just a Pokémon... it is a commentary on man itself. Only a few Pokémon, such as Mewtwo and Meowth, have had the ability to speak or communicate in English, and each is representative of a certain attribute of humankind; Mewtwo is man's lust for power, and Meowth is man's greed and propensity to make terrible jokes. However, Unown... it is much more. With its svelte black and white coloring and single, beady eye, Unown is man itself. You see, one Unown is weak as balls, just like man himself, or at least most people on this website; however, as a group, man is powerful, creating civilizations. I would submit to you that if I could use a team of 7 billion Unown, they would put up a pretty fair fight versus your Ubers team. We must treasure these simple creatures, since they are us at our very core... ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE WORDS OUT OF THEM? THAT'S PRETTY COOL!!!!!!!!

Unown, a Pokémon after my own heart. Conceptually based on typography and featuring a singular, simplistic, non-expressive eye, Unown seems like it was created to make me happy. It also strikes a chord with me personally because I still feel like a relatively Unown user. (I'm just going to... leave this high five hanging here in the air... waiting for you... Alch...) I know I'm in the minority with my opinion, though. Haters gonna hate. Unown was really the first Pokémon to have literally no redeeming value in combat. As well, Unown's simplistic design and lack of visual personality are sure to draw ire from all sides. Their visual identity is a puzzle that's meant to be solved. As someone who enjoyed solving that puzzle back in the GSC days, Unown has my heart no matter what other people say. If you hate Unown's design, please think long and hard before saying so, because I am not sure we can be friends if you do... ~~so mystery~~

So, to be absolutely fair to Game Freak, I'm going to critique each of the 28 designs in turn... Nah, I'm kidding. Still, Unown is one of the most varying forms of Pokémon around, though it curiously continues to remain bland in every fashion in almost every form. The letter-based forms certainly hold no spell over me, but I have to admit that the other two Unown certainly make me both question my opinions on the Pokémon and exclaim in joy! The reason for the change? It's the sardonic eye. In a design as simple as Unown's—for crying out loud, it's a floating squiggle with an eye—every detail is important. By doing something as small as only having half an eye, the entire personality of the Pokémon changes. Overall, though, Unown is very much 'A B see (you later)'.

When you consider Unown's concept of some mysterious living glyphs that cover the walls of ancient ruins, you've gotta say that Game Freak really hit the nail on the head on this one. I remember being excited the first time I ran across them in Gold, as they were literally the oddest looking Pokémon I have encountered up until that point. Most other Pokémon have their design roots based in nature or some recognisable object, but with Unown, it does take a couple of run-ins before you realise that these things are alphabets. My disappointment upon discovering their uselessness notwithstanding, Unown is definitely a prime example of the idea that 'less is more'. Their curvy lines and weird stares representing something oh so familiar, but you just can't quite put your finger on it. Very simple, very elegant.

I never really understood what was the point of these until... I saw Pocket Monsters: Emperor of the Crystal Tower, Entei. That, was one of the most awesome anime movies I've ever seen, discounting Ghibli Studio works. Basically, Unown are incredible legendary Pokémon found in everything and everywhere, whose existence transcends space and time, and whose amassed psychic power in a swarm can pretty much do... anything. Like seriously, they can instantly create Pokémon, people, places, bend time and just fuck with reality any way they want. Oddly enough, Unown might be the Pokémon whose power has the greatest gap between in-anime and in-game. They're just so cool, like the sleeping embodiment of the power that exists between gods and nature, with lots of hidden power (lol). This is demonstrated when we see them freely moving about (and dwelling in) the chasm of alternative space-time inhabited by Dialga and Palkia. I tend to think of them as the Pokémon embodiment of Shinto gods/nature spirits, even if their design is a cross between hieroglyphs and western letters. They're just really cool Pokémon, and I wish they'd had a bigger part to play in the plot of the Gold / Silver Pokémon games, instead of just having a weird temple that had almost nothing to do with the in-game adventure. So much lost potential for story telling there. Too bad.