I don’t get it. I don’t understand it.

How can Christians smile in my face, say they care about me, and then enthusiastically worship a God who, they think, may rightfully sentence me to eternal torment?

I can’t make that make sense in my mind and still think that they are loving people.

I’ve tried, because some of the people closest to me believe this. But I can’t figure it out. And every time I feel I’ve come close, I get shivers down my spine because I’m afraid of what I see.

Because what I see is that they are selfish enough, many of them (depending on theology — proof this belief exists is here, here, and here — rebuttal of the layman’s “you send yourself to hell” argument is here), to think that I deserve to burn in hell for all eternity due to the judgement of God…while joyfully worshiping this God because they’re going to heaven due to being “saved.”

In many cases, although it bothers me, I can handle it.

But when it’s the people who have been the very closest to me…I get frustrated.

Because here’s the thing — I left Christianity partly because I cared too much about strangers spending eternity in hell. Strangers — as I didn’t know many atheists when I left. And the way I think now, even if God DID exist and WAS condemning people to hell…I tend to think that I would STILL care too much about people to bend the knee.

So as more time goes on, I become more puzzled. I don’t understand these Christians. I don’t get how they can smile in my face and then walk right out and worship a God who says I deserve eternal torment. It’s always in the back of my mind when I’m talking to them, even when we smile and say we love each other…this person thinks I may be going to hell forever because of God’s judgment…and they worship this God anyway.

I’ve tried to get over it. I’ve gone over and over and over it in my head. But it still hurts to spend time with people you love, people who you want to be accepted by, who think you’re going to hell. It really does. More than this post could ever really say.

I don’t think I’ll ever be OK with it.

I wish this had a short, sweet, happy ending, or I that could draw it out into a resolution, but that’s really it. It hurts, I’m not OK with it, and I don’t think I ever will be. That’s basically it. Life keeps going. So…yeah.

Thanks for reading.