Filed to: Laughing at other people's pain

As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. [Note: Headline has been updated. These are 2012 ER visits.]


Sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear:

SEED

PAINTBRUSH

"SOME BALLS"

SLAG

MAKEUP BRUSH

PATIENT TOLD PARENTS THAT THE CATS STUCK SOMETHING IN HER EAR

GASOLINE

BUTTERFLY

HERSHEY KISS

"CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR"


Nose:

EAR PLUG

CRAYON

PLASTIC EYEBALL

HEART-SHAPED GEM

DIME

PENNY

NICKEL

AA BATTERIES

SPONGE

SMALL DECORATIVE ROCK

2 ERASERS

MULCH

"PLACED A BEAD IN HER NOSTRIL, PATIENT HAS NO COMPLAINTS"

Throat:

DETERGENT PACK

WHISTLE

ENGAGEMENT RING

"SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE TAKING A SHOWER"

"DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL & SWALLOWED A QUARTER"

SCHOOL LOGO MAGNET

CONFETTI

SCREW

A TACO

BALL OF STRING

A BEE

Penis:

PENIS PLUG

20-30 MAGNETIC BUCKY BALLS

DICE

FISHTANK AIRHOSE

ANTENNA

SEWING NEEDLE

BB PELLET

"WIDE WOODEN DOWEL"

NAIL

PLASTIC PIPE, DENTAL FLOSS WITH BEADS

WIRE

MARBLE

EMBEDDED DOMINO IN PENIS "TO PLEASE THE LADIES"

Vagina:

GLUE STICK

BARRETTE

SMALL FINGER VIBRATOR–"IT'S STILL ON"

TOILET PAPER

"LONG BLACK OBJECT"

PENIS RING

RIVET

"WORMS COMING OUT OF PEE-PEE"—PINWORMS

SPOON

PENCIL ERASER

PLASTIC BOTTLE OF CREAM (LID STILL ON)

NAPKINS IN VAGINA TO HAVE SEX DURING PERIOD


Rectum:

PENCIL

PENCILS

SHAMPOO BOTTLE

COLOGNE BOTTLE

LOTION JAR

SODA CAN

SODA BOTTLE

FLASHLIGHT

BATHTUB STOPPER

SHOT GLASS (BROKEN)

SOCK

ICE PACK

END OF CURTAIN ROD

"PATIENT STATES HE WAS EXPERIENCING AN ITCHY RECTUM AND INSERTED A REMOTE CONTROL TO SCRATCH"

VIBRATOR

VIBRATOR BATTERY

COVER OF VIBRATOR

TIP OF VIBRATOR

"BIG PURPLE DILDO"

"PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM"

LIGHTER

TOY SUBMARINE

TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

2 HALVES OF BAR OF SOAP

POOL BALL

LIT BOTTLE ROCKET; "IT DIDN'T GO WELL"