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International Women’s 23 Hours, the Coronavirus kills a venue, Twitter makes racist Mad Libs, every woman I know takes the water jug challenge, a girl laughs at a guy’s penis, Stefan Molyneux calls in and talks about everything from eggs to egregious monetary policy, “I’m from New York” and the jackasses who say it, Riley screws up a bit, Maddox’s Patreon falls to $75 a month, the death of handshakes, the death of Boomers, and the death of the commute, the importance of conferences, and the grids at the end of deoderant; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

We are on venue number three, but Maddox’s funeral is proceeding as scheduled! And now with even more tickets! Ethan Ralph will be there. Madcucks will be there. Peach will be there. And now…Null will be there!? I’ll see it when I believe it, ladies and gentleman. I always thought he was some kind of computer generated cyber demon–like Projekt Melody, but in verse. Next you’ll be telling me Dame Pesos will be there.

Either way, because of the entrance of this new challenger, I have released additional tickets. Get your Very Late and VERY Gay today! But first…

[read in a New York accent–like someone who is tough and speaks their mind]

Fuck you, bitch!

Does what I say offend you? I’m from New York. We talk tough and we speak our minds. We always have done this since God made New York and filled it the entire universe and then moved to Long Island. We’re blunt and ill-mannered. We shoot straight. We shoot water pistols at each other’s groinal area when it’s our first day of work. Whoa! Badda Bing! We smear shit on the bottom of the driver’s side window of your car so you can’t roll it down without smearing shit all inside of your car door. Then you gotta smell yaself all day. Bing! We’re tough like I said. We turn into whirlwinds and blow your papers all around and mess up your hair if you don’t want women to have more abortions–and you won’t even see it coming! We tell you how much money we made in the recent stock market because of the crash because of the oil and we tells ya, and you didn’t make any! Ya dumb schlamutz. Don’t like it? Fuggedaboutit!

I’m from New York over here up in here. I live in a pizza and a drive a bowl of spaghetti to work. I seen twelve murders just today. I saw a horse get jerked off on the subway. I caught a leprechaun and he gave me a wish and I said, “I wish you was dead.” I talk tough. If my wife asks if she looks good in something, I say, “No bitch, you look like shit and 90% of your eggs are dead, so if you think you want to be a mother, you better have started thinking about that when you were 18.” Don’t like it? Fuggedaboutit!

I work at an electrified asshole factory that produces nothing but me, which are all immediately destroyed because there’s only one of me, baby. You think that’s stupid? Like “ha ha” stupid or stupid like I’ll teach a panini to crawl up your ass and have sex with you so you understand about a woman’s right to choose, and then I’ll write my own fanfic crossover of Goodfellas meets Ghostbusters where Slima joins the mob. Like that kind of silly? Fuggedaboutit.

There’s two kinds of people in this world. People who are pussies and who don’t say what they think all day every day. They have small dicks and if they could they would suck those small dicks like it was the cure for not being born in New York. They poop in tiny strings, or pellets like rabbits. They never had one big poop, and they love restricting the freedoms of women and their abortions, and they don’t appreciate women. And then there are people from New York like me who are the opposite of all that. Guess which one I am? You small-dick, thin-pooping, abortion restricting fatsamazoole?

I’m from New York, and this is how I talk.

“Dr. Dick Corvid’s Free Shots and Blankets” by Elay Arson

Check out Elay Arson’s new album Dusk Incarnate.

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A thumbnail of Doom Guy’s 401k by PixelHenkie



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