PARTLY BECAUSE YOU SPENT EIGHT YEARS KICKING SAND IN OUR FACES, THAT’S WHY: Why we won’t “help” you? We won’t help you because of Obamacare passed on a procedural trick; we won’t help because of Fast and Furious; we won’t help you because of Benghazi; we won’t help you because of the IRS harassing conservatives; we won’t help you because of Hillary’s unsecured server; we won’t help you because of a gazillion (give or take) executive orders; we won’t help you because of your side’s blatant dislike of anyone who loves America.

But most of all we won’t help you because the great enterprise you wish us to help you with is making idiots of yourselves by shrieking at the top of your lungs at things Trump is doing which you admired when Obama did them; or shrieking at the top of your lungs because you didn’t get the candidate you wanted in; or shrieking at the top of your lungs because that great progressive future you were so sure was around the corner took an inexplicable detour.

In other words, what you want help with is beclowning yourselves. And we think you’re doing a fine job of it all on your own. Besides, we need both hands for this big a popcorn bowl.