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Race: Dwarf

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Identifying Characteristics:



Epic beards, even on the women

Height-to-width ratio roughly even

Norse names paired with Scottish accents

Strengths:

Physical endurance makes them natural tanks

Usually gifted artisans with stone, metal and gems

Handy with hammers, axes and shields

Immense capacity for alcohol

Weaknesses:

Short height, though this is usually compensated by incredible breadth

and bulk

and bulk Bearded women

Unrepentant greed

Xenophobic and clannish

Description:

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Often as not, anytime you find an Elf in a game or a work of fantasy

fiction, you will also find a Dwarf. They are the very embodiment of

"little man syndrome," where undersized individuals feel the need to

compensate for their lack of height by acting tougher and more aggressive

than their normal-sized counterparts. A common depiction of a Dwarf would

be a plate-armor-clad, thickly-bearded, squat figure wielding a giant maul

or double-sided battleaxe with an absurdly over-sized head or blade that

would make it terribly impractical for actual combat.

The plural of "dwarf" is either "dwarfs" or "dwarves," depending on the

context. JRR Tolkien tried using "dwarves" when he wrote the Hobbit, and

his editor corrected it in the first published edition. "Dwarves" is also

used in Dungeons & Dragons (Gary Gygax did a lot of borrowing from

Tolkien) and in World of Warcraft (Blizzard did a lot of borrowing from

Gygax). Technically, both versions of the word are correct, but "Dwarves"

is used most often in fantasy settings because of Tolkien's little

mistake.

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"Erm... which one of you is the

one that slept with Thor's daughter? Because it gave me an idea..."

Tolkien stole his Dwarves right out of Norse mythology, from the Poetic

Edda and Prose Edda, where they were scrumpy little craftsmen living under

mountains and antagonizing the gods when they weren't making them stuff.

Tolkien's Dwarves also share their Germanic and Norse ancestors' abiding

lust for precious metals and gems. He even went so far as to borrow their

names - Thorin and company, and also Gandalf, all owe their names to the

Catalogue of Dwarves found in the Poetic Edda.

Interestingly, Tolkien also based much of Dwarven culture on historical

Jewish culture. The language he invented for them, Khuzdul, was

"constructed to be Semitic." Tolkien himself has often compared his

Dwarves to the historical Jewish people in a sympathetic way - they have

been ousted from their homeland and forced to live among alien cultures;

they are renowned craftsmen of beautiful things; they have a secretive

culture that few outsiders really know anything about.

So, in a nutshell, Dwarves are Jewish Vikings. They have Norse names and

a Semitic-influenced culture. The question that begs to be asked, then,

is... why do practically all Dwarf characters in movies and video games

sound like Scotsmen? The "Dwarf accent" has been around since before John

Rhys-Davies's masterful performance, and it's never been appropriate for

the species. No part of their background has anything to do with Scotland.

Given their folklore heritage, a Scandinavian accent would make much more

sense. Or, given Tolkien's construction of the Khuzdul language from

Semitic roots, even Yiddish would be more appropriate. But Dwarves voiced

on film or in games seem to snarl and growl their threats in a Scottish

brogue, or with a rural English accent that is equally inappropriate.

Dwarves are often described as "dour," but are seldom ever portrayed that

way. More frequently, they are depicted as constantly unreasonably angry,

and occasionally psychotic. Even when a Dwarf is supposedly "happy," it's

an angry kind of happy - mirth derived from another's pain and expressed

with a loud, braying laughter. They are typically brusque and violent, and

often the very definition of low-brow.

Perhaps some of that temper comes from all the drinking. Dwarves are

often shown to be prodigious drinkers, rivaling most college students in

80s frat movies. Ale seems to be the preferred drink, probably because it

is a more earthy drink than mead, less high-culture than wine and more

medieval-y than malt liquor.

Dwarves often take themselves way too seriously, while the other races do

not. That makes them the race of choice for players who generally do not

take themselves or their games too seriously. If you want to have fun with

a game, play it as a dwarf. If you want to RP a lot of boring drama about

being forlorn, play as an Elf. Dwarves ain't got time to brood.

They are the opposite of Elves in almost every way. They are short,

stocky and homely instead of tall, lithe and graceful and don't usually

give a damn about magic or poetry or trees. Dwarves may sing songs from

time to time - they are quite musical in the Hobbit - but Dwarf music is

as different from Elf music as their bodies are from each other. Elves

will sing merry melodies about butterflies and clouds, Dwarves will sing

deep dirges about ancient battles and lost homes. They are usually the

butt of short jokes - unless a Hobbit, Halfling or Gnome happens to be

around. And then, Dwarves are the one making the short jokes, and laughing

the loudest at them.

In addition to being the comic relief, Dwarves are usually natural tanks.

A Dwarf without full plate armor and a door-sized shield is like a hermit

crab without a shell - he can probably survive okay, but he is simply

diminished without it.

It's the same with their beards. A Dwarf without a beard looks naked. In

some settings - Lord of the Rings, for example - even lady Dwarves have

beards. If lady Dwarves are present at all, because sometimes (again, Lord

of the Rings) they are not involved in the main events of the story. All

the other races are generally depicted as clean-shaven - with the odd

mustachioed or Will Riker-bearded human as the rare exception - but

Dwarves wear their beards proudly. As they damn well should.

Got a pet peeve about Dwarves? Let us know in our comments!