Excerpts from My Upcoming Novel, Ready Player Two: Girl Stuff

“Wow, Felicity,” he said. My Internet name was Felicity, after the coolest American girl doll. “I never met someone who knew so much about Harry/Draco before.”

I laughed. “Thanks, Sasuke420, I guess not everyone is as serious as I am about the Classic Ships.” Then I turned on the best song, “Spice World,” by the Spice Girls. I saw his eyes go wide as he got my musical reference. He was a keeper.

“In a while, Totodile,” I said, which is a Pokémon.

- - -

“Damn it!” My rival, PhantomLuvR hit her screen in frustration. The only way through to the next level of the Tardis-Maze was by answering the riddle, but — “There’s no way anyone could know all the Backstreet Boys’ descriptions of their dream girlfriends!”

“That would be impossible.” I smiled sagely. “Unless you read Tiger Beat, issue 158.”

PhantomLuvR roared in anger and tore open her Labyrinth T-shirt, which was just a close up of David Bowie’s crotch bulge in those gray tights. What a waste; it was vintage.

I held a piece of pocky in my mouth like a cigarette. “Just so you know — Howie wants a girl with a nice personality.”

- - -

I ran a proud hand over the side of my spaceship that was shaped like a Lisa Frank dolphin. I had won it in a bet with my friend Snapewife over how many Pirates of the Caribbean movies there were. Back then, she had called it the Sparkleship, but I wanted a more intellectual, literary name. So I re-named it Astolat, after my favorite fan-fiction author.

“Good luck in there!” said Astolat. She had a voice like Amanda Bynes.

- - -

“You villain!” I shouted, as I swung my keyblade. “You’re just as bad as Evil Willow in season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!”

“Please,” my arch-nemesis, Sephiroth But Also A Wolf, rolled her eyes. “The real villain of season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was Buffy.”

I gasped. Could she be using subjective thematic analysis against me, instead of just knowledge of trivia? Unthinkable.

- - -

Sasuke420 caressed my face. No, it was real life now, not the CyberNetTube, so I had to think of him by his real name: Keanu Reeves. “So, tell me,” he said. “Who do you think would win in a fight between Superman and Goku?"

I smiled condescendingly. “The real question is, why would they fight when they’re so busy kissing each other?"

He handed me a beanie baby. “You know, I don’t think I ever got to thank you for saving my life, and the world, with your knowledge of the Sailor Moon dub.”

“Please, it was nothing,” I said, blushing. “I couldn’t have done it without the help of my friends: Auron from Final Fantasy X, Inigo Montoya, and literally just an anime body pillow.”

“I find you… so compelling,” he said, and gently rubbed the fake cat ears I was wearing. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

I froze. How could I possibly convey the depth of my feelings? I caught his hand in my own, and said softly, “Rawr.”

“Rawr?”

“It means ‘I love you’ in dinosaur.”

- - -

“Have you ever thought about how strange it is?” PhantomLuvR asked. “You know, that the one thing you’re good at is now the most sought-after skill in the world?”

“Nope,” I said, and downloaded a mod to make everyone else on the internet look like Legolas from Lord of the Rings.