Friends, I want to warn you about a nefarious group of liberal anarchists who make annual pilgrimages to the Black Rock desert in Mexico to partake in the so-called “Burning Man” festival.

The Burning Man Project started in the early 1980’s after a group of San Franciscan hippers high on the dangerous street drug “ellis dee” decided to rebel against Godly morals by traveling to and masturbating in all 50 United States. Typical of stupid and lazy drugged-out atheists, they failed to adequately prepare for the undertaking and ran out of gas in the middle of the desert. With nothing better to do, the group decided to masturbate their dried-out sin zones (“Burn The Man”) and, like some disturbing black magic, a new Satanic movement was born.

The festival takes place over a 7-day period at the end of summer and commences with the ritualistic “Burning of The Man” where the thousands of attendees participate in a gigantic circle-jerking-off session. The depraved sinnery that take place over those 7 days reads like the bucket list for your typical Godless liberal: Marijuana injecting, hemp-bonging, tent-pitching, sodomy, mouth sex, race mixing, secular art & music, nudity, Communism, Bible-Burning and Obama-worshipping.

Please hold your Bible, guns, and children close this week in prayer, and, as always, God bless some of you!

-Lonnie Childs