OFFICE OF THE GOVERNOR

EXECUTIVE ORDER 91-INFINITY STONE

WHEREAS, on March 1, 2020, The Representatives of the government of Florida and these United States of America were at happy hour at Applebee’s, when pursuant to a Florida Department of Health (“FDOH”) directive, I issued “6 days to slow the spread” of the spinach and artichoke dip appetizer because it is limp and too salty.

WHEREAS, later that same day when news came on at Applebee’s, I revised said notice and advised a Public Health Emergency for the State of Florida (“PHEFTSOF”).

WHEREAS, on March 16, 2020, I followed the instruction of the President, that doctor with the glasses and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s “15 days” to slow the spread of COVID-19, which honestly does not even seem that bad.

WHEREAS, I hereby limited gatherings of more than 10 people unless said gatherings were very chill. Very Chill Gatherings (“VCG”) were thereby:

a. Anything on a boat.

b. Parking lots; parks; beaches; churches; go-kart tracks; quilt festivals; comic cons; u-pick blueberry fields; foam parties; old-timey wagon rides; low country boils; golf.

c. Governor’s Office noted that at all gatherings, participants should Air High Five Only (“AHFO”).

WHEREAS, on March 23, 2020, I pointed out that it is mostly New York’s fault.

WHEREAS, the President along with the White House Coronavirus Task Force extended such guidance to “30 days to slow the spread” when it became abundantly clear that HBO would release Veep for free. I henceforth ordered residents of Florida to stay home unless previous guidance was issued by individual municipalities, in which case, the orders were completely different and also the same, but not exactly. Furthermore, it was said that I would update this order with little-to-no notice once our position became clear.

WHEREAS, on April 1, 2020, I hereby issued a Safer at Home order, which sounds better than Shelter in Place, which quite frankly reminds the State of a bootleg horror movie that went around in college.

WHEREAS, on April 5, 2020, the Office of the Governor was starting to get kind of scared and made face masks out of an old Lauren Conrad For Kohl’s (“LCFK”) dress and some hair ties.

WHEREAS, this is really hard. Can you please give me a break and focus on Hulk Hogan?

IN TESTIMONY WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Great Seal of the State of Florida to be affixed, at Tallahassee, this eleventy thousandth day of Marchaprilmay in the year 3030.

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