“Our mission statement here at G2A is to provide modern games, from indie to AAA, at unbeatable prices. As an auction platform for game keys, we have been able to stay competitive and customer-focused since our inception, and our presence in the gaming world is nothing but good for the consumer. However, we do find ourselves having to defend our position in that world every now and then—and as such, we would like to confirm and insist that we did not, and have not ever killed a live baby, and have no future plans to do so, nor would we ever want to commit such an act going forward.”

G2A, a gray market for gaming keys that allows you to pay discounted rates on modern titles in exchange for several basic human decencies, is under fire once again. The digital market has previously been in conflict with studios big and small, coming to a head recently when publisher Mike Rose publicly recommended gamers pirate games rather than buy them from G2A, due to the fact that the game studio won’t see any money either way.

“Everybody loses when a market falls victim to fraud, including ourselves,” G2A’s statement goes on to say. “To insist that there was some sort of contingency to the G2A Shield subscription that required us to take a baby and trade it for thousands of fraudulent credit card numbers is outrageous, and more importantly, legally very difficult to prove.”

Nerfwire spoke with SEC spokesperson Jonathan Kells, who has been handling press for the Security and Exchange Commission’s investigation into the website. “Previously, G2A was under investigation over their oversight of fraud on their platform which potentially cost developers millions over the time the website has been open. Following their unprompted press release this morning, we’re now mostly looking into the baby stuff. See? Got a folder here that says ‘baby stuff.’ Really filling up.”

G2A finishes their issued statement by claiming “If there were any occurrence of a baby-for-identity-fraud transaction enacted by G2A as an entity, consumers would be the first to know. Based on this principle, consumers can be assured that there was no previously aforementioned exchange of 2-year-old Tyler Gerson to the dark web kingpin known simply as ‘Scab.’ Such a deal goes against G2A’s mission statement.”

Anyway, here’s a link to G2A, considering you just remembered you can get, like, eight bucks off of the new Wolfenstein.