CONSERVATIVE MPs are hoping to replace Theresa May with someone who is just as cynical and nasty but not really bad at absolutely everything.

Backbenchers confirmed they do not require a leader with worthwhile policies, just one that is not pathologically dysfunctional.

MP Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Ideally we want an unbelievably horrible right-wing bastard, just one with more charisma than a broken Speak & Spell.

“They’ll also need to be a barefaced liar who inevitably gets a much worse deal than we have now but pretends we’ve won the Battle of Waterloo.”

Backbencher Mary Fisher added: “I might stand as Tory leader because I am good at thinking of simplistic analogies.

“For example, ‘The economy is like a big cake, so you don’t want immigrants having any’.”

“I call it ‘Big Cake politics’. I'm a rising star.”