Linnea Quigley is an important part of any burgeoning young horror geek’s diet… well, at least any burgeoning young horror geek of my generation. Take the route down 80s horror movie lane, and it won’t be long before you stumble across Quigley and her forever-nude boobs. My introduction to Quigley came through Return of the Living Dead (1985). The image of a punked out Quigley dancing naked in a graveyard was seared into my frazzled teenage brain. With more 80s horror came more Quigley and her famous cans. Night of the Demons (1988) and Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) joined Return of the Living Dead as regularly revisited Quigley favourites. Yup, Linnea Quigley’s name became a (sometimes broken) promise of fun times. And that name was utilised for one of the strangest things ever created…

LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT

USA, 1990, Kenneth J. Hall

Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout isn’t really a movie. It’s not even a workout video. I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure glad it exists. The video begins, as it should, with a lengthy shower scene. Quigley’s boobs make their first appearance before the opening minute is out.

The titles appear as Quigley soaps herself up to a synth-soaked soundtrack composed by John Vulich. Vulich’s score is, rather jarringly, out of time. Stepping out of the shower, Quigley breaks the fourth wall, looks right down the barrel of the camera, and screams.

With the opening titles wrapped up, Quigley settles down in front of her fireplace and discusses her career. She shows several clips from films like Creepozoids (1987), Assault of the Party Nerds (1989) and other stinkers they could get the rights for.

After a lengthy sequence of clips, the fitness workout finally begins. Sporting fishnet stockings and a metal-studded bra (“Would you want to watch me work out in a baggy sweatsuit?” Quigley asks. “No,” says I), Quigley launches into a series of aerobic exercises, all of which showcase some part of her scantily clad body. While stretching and twisting, Quigley delivers sexually charged instruction:

– “It keeps me limber, so I can get out of tight places… or into them.”

– “This one increases your ability to keep your legs in the air… I can do this one for hours!”

– “This one is great for the guys… I mean thighs!”

– “That’s right stretch those muscles… not that muscle!”

– “Deep breathing will increase lung capacity… as you can see I’m a real… deep… breather.”

The routine goes on for some time. Halfway through, Quigley is interrupted by a dirty phone call, which at first offends her but then seems to turn her on. The routine wraps up at the twenty minute mark, and we cut to Quigley jogging through a cemetery. She attracts the attention of a horde of zombies, which leads to a zombified version of “What’s the time, Mr Wolf?”

The zombies follow Quigley into her house. Telling the living dead stalkers that they need to get into shape, Quigley does an aerobic dance routine with them by her pool. At some point during this ten minute sequence, something broke in my brain.





Quigley then decides she’s had enough of a workout and invites a bunch of her lingerie-sporting girlfriends over for a slumber party. Again, we’re treating to another lengthy clip parade as Quigley and her pals watch scenes from her movies. To work off the popcorn, Quigley and Co. dive into another aerobics session that features a lot of obnoxious crotch shots.

The workout is interrupted by a power outage. Quigley investigates leaving her friends to the mercy of a Ronald Reagan-masked killer. Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout‘s final act is pretty fabulous. It even tosses a bit of cheap gore up on the screen.





It’s such a sadness that we live in a time where something like Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout could never exist. This is unashamedly gratuitous and campy silliness made with tongue firmly planted in cheek but without the eye-rolling irony of our current sneering times. And if nothing else, this makes one hell of a party tape. Thanks, Linnea Quigley, you are brilliant.





Availability:

Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is available on DVD from Legacy Features. Rather surprisingly, it features an audio commentary and a retrospective featurette.





