Believe it or not, I actually had two installments of Satan’s Screenwriter, neither of which was published. This is actually my favorite of the two.

In the darkest pit of Hell he toils…

In bungalow made of flame.

His pitch meetings are never-ending,

Only the Devil knows his name.

He is:

Satan’s Scriptwriter!

(Copyright 1998)

Hello from Hell everyone. Yes, Hell. That place that’s sort of like Los Angeles, except with fewer meter maids. Once again, I’ve unearthed one of the forbidden scripts, so awful, so vile, it might just be part of NBC’s Must See TV next fall. Avert your eyes lest ye go screaming into the night. And always remember, this TV series could be just one phone call away….

The Cape F.D.: Special Unit

CAST:

Lance Hendrickson as Captain Victor Striker

Ernie Hudson as Lt. Ahmed Muhammed

Danny or Stephen Baldwin as Firefighter Jason Striker

Ken Wahl as Firefighter Paulie DiCino

Rob Snieder as Firefighter David Goldstein

Justine Bateman as Firefighter Julia O’Grady

Jet Li as Firefighter Wu Lei

Sean Young as Gloria Striker (2nd wife of Victor)

Anna Nicole Smith as Becky Nobbs, EMT

Ru Paul as Sean

THE PITCH:

An action-packed, sexy, firemen rescue TV series, with a message. Stories center around a special unit of the fire department, comprised of the world’s best, but sometimes unorthodox, ethnically diverse, firefighters (publicity tie-in, cast look-alikes touring schools, teaching fire safety and selling Cape merchandise).

The team is led by CAPTAIN VICTOR STRIKER (Hendrickson), a wizened veteran of the fire department and an ex-Navy seal, who is still haunted by the death of his first wife by a serial arsonist (mysterious, reoccurring villain, 2nd season finale). Striker help founded this Special Unit to combat the more bizarre Fire Crimes in the Cape (The Cape could be anywhere in U.S., keep vague for maximum regional appeal.)

Striker’s 2nd in command is LT. AHMED MUHAMMED (Hudson), the first Muslim officer in the Cape’s fire department. He is a highly decorated officer, who is under a great deal of pressure to maintain his squeaky-clean image. Outwardly, he is curt and efficient, but inwardly he is torn by duty, his loyalty to the unorthodox methods of his fellow firefighters and his beliefs in the Fire Gods (may not be part of Muslim faith, confirm with Research Dept.).

JASON STRIKER (Baldwin), is the only son of Victor from his first marriage. While his father is more of a traditional firefighter, young Jason is anxious to use the latest in fire fighting technology (toy tie-in). He is the only survivor of an elite Forest Fire Fighting Unit that disappeared in the Yukon 3 years ago. He still suffers from flashbacks (War Veteran appeal).

PAULIE DICINO (Wahl) was once a lieutenant in the New York Fire Department, but was transferred and demoted for disobeying his superior. He is the loose cannon on the squad, frequently ignoring his own safety and the rules for the sake of saving lives. His gambling problem has left him deep in debt and to make ends meet, he also works as an actor and male model (celebrity guest spot tie-in).

DAVID GOLDSTEIN (Snieder), is the wise-cracking sidekick of DiCino. He is from an Alaskan Fire Fighting Unit that saw little action, but was decorating for saving an Eskimo from a burning building (igloo? Or effects too expensive?). He is married to the same Eskimo (ethnic appeal) and is known to the Eskimo tribes at “the Chosen One” (Supernatural/X-Files tie-in with Indian mysticism, 3rd Season).

JULIA O’GRADY (Bateman), is a hard working woman trying to make it in a man’s world. The only woman fire fighter in America (confirm with Research Dept.), she’s adept at all fire fighting techniques, but ironically, harbors a fear of animals from an early childhood trauma (episode idea: O’Grady must save a burning zoo.). There is unresolved sexual tension between her and Striker (1st season), then her and DiCino (2nd Season) and then her and Goldstein (3rd Season).

WU LEI (Li) is a Chinese fire fighter that escaped his country’s oppressive government to fight fires in the U.S. He speaks no English, but understands the language of fighting fires. His amazing martial arts skill come in handy and his devotion to Oriental Culture fascinate O’Grady (4th Season). (Pyromaniac nemesis, with similar martial art powers? Guest shot by Jackie Chan?)

GLORIA STRIKER (Young) is the second wife of Victor and has to deal with her husband’s emotional swings and an adopted son that won’t accept her.

BECKY NOBBS (Smith) is a beautiful EMT that assists this special unit. She is addicted to painkillers and may possess latent, telepathic powers (revealed at the end of 1st Season, Science Fiction appeal).

SEAN (Ru Paul) is the owner of the “Fire Trap”, the unit’s favorite bar (which is clearly not gay, but provides some transgender appeal). Sean provides comic relief to the unit’s stressful work weeks.

THE CAPE F.D.: SPECIAL UNIT PROMO

(2 minutes)

FADE UP ON

A red siren, PARTIALLY DISSOLVE scenes of RUSHING FIRE TRUCKS and RESCUERS.

SOUND EFFECTS: Fire Alarm and a montage of radio talk.

RADIO TALK

Fire on the East Side. We got a fire! It’s a

hot one. 3 Alarm on the South Side. Let’s

get the hoses.

NARRATOR

The temperature may be falling, but this Fall,

TV gets hot!

KEY: The Cape F.D.: Special Unit

NARRATOR

The Cape! (understated) F.D.: (louder) Special Unit!

INT. MEETING ROOM-DAY

Victor Striker addresses his firefighters.

CAPTAIN STRIKER

I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but this

city is under siege! And only the people in this

room can save it! You’ve been hand-picked from

the best fire departments around the world! Now

get out there and let’s put out some fires!

The firefighters cheer loudly.

EXT. STREET-DAY

While Goldstein watches, DiCino roughs-up a FIRE FIGHTER INFORMANT. The informant is dressed like a junkie. DiCino pushes him into some trashcans.

NARRATOR

Fighting fires! On the streets!

DICINO

(furious)

I said, where’s the fire?!

INFORMANT

(scared)

I-I-I don’t know man, I swear! I thought

you were just saying I was in a hurry!

GOLDSTEIN

(sympathetic, playing good fireman)

Better tell him. He gets crazy sometimes.

DiCino picks up the informant by the lapels.

DICINO

I ain’t messin’ around here! I got an axe

in the truck! You wanna see what I do with

that?! Huh?! HUH?!

INFORMANT

No! No! I’ll tell ya anything!

INT. STRIKER’S OFFICE-DAY

Captain Striker chews out Jason, who is in uniform and blackened from fighting an earlier fire.

NARRATOR

Fighting fires! At the station!

CAPTAIN STRIKER

(slamming door)

You think you’re some kind of hotshot?

You think I’ll cut you some slack, just

because you’re my son?!

JASON

(a little bitter)

No, sir.

CAPTAIN STRIKER

You don’t put out a church fire using

their holy water!

JASON

(insisting)

It was the only way!

CAPTAIN STRIKER

It’s not procedure!

JASON

Then damn your procedure! What’s happened

to you dad? This used to be about saving lives!

INT. BURNING BUILDING-NIGHT

Jason and Julia, both in full uniform and wearing gas masks, meet each other in a burning hallway.

NARRATOR

Fighting the fires…of passion!

JULIA

(surprised)

Jason.

JASON

I knew I’d find you here.

Jason moves closer.

JULIA

This isn’t right! I’m in the middle

of work!

JASON

But you’re still a woman. A beautiful

woman.

Jason takes off his gas mask and begins to take off Julia’s.

JULIA

Jason! We’ll die of smoke inhalation!

JASON

(sexy)

I don’t care.

Jason roughly kisses her. Julia resists for a second, then falls into his arms.

EXT. CITY STREET-DAY

The Cape fire trucks is pursuing a CARLOAD OF DRUG SMUGGLERS. The smugglers shoot at the fire truck with automatic weapons, while, Lt. Muhammed drives and Jason, Julia, DiCino and Goldstein return fire with their standard issue guns. In the background, half the city is ablaze.

LT. MUHAMMED

Dammit! Why doesn’t the department

issue us weapons that can compete with

these punks?! We’ll never stop them!

JASON

Wait a minute, lieutenant, I think Wu has

a solution!

ANGLE ON WU

He stands on top of the fire truck. Using his amazing martial arts skills, he dodges the bullets, leaps to the other car, kicks through the roof, knocking the driver unconscious, then jumps back to the fire truck.

ANGLE ON DRUG SMUGGLERS

Their car crashes into a Kerosene lantern store and the entire building explodes.

INT. THE FIRE TRAP-EVENING

The entire squad is relaxing after a hard day of fighting fires. Sean is serving the drinks in his usual good humor and outlandish clothes (Old Navy tie-in?).

SEAN

Well, baby, that’s one Australian drug gang

that won’t be puttin’ another barbie on the

fire!

The gang laughs and toasts Sean.

ANGLE ON SET SHOT

A Cape Fireman’s helmet, with a gun and a hose nozzle.

KEY: The Cape F.D.: Special Unit

NARRATOR

The Cape! Special Unit! Let it heat up your

TV set this Fall!

Transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo.