By Julie Ogden

There is a feeling of panic in the ward and stake as several people have left the church in my area recently. I think a lot of people want to help, but aren’t sure what to do about it. I want to point out a couple of things. First, we are told to go rescue the lost sheep. But guess what? We are all lost sheep. There is only ONE shepherd, and that is Christ. We are commanded to love each other, but ultimately it is the responsibility and stewardship of Christ to save us. Second, know that it is NOT within your ability to save anyone. You can’t even save yourself. No matter how many good deeds you do, or how many times you attend the temple, you will fall short of perfect. We all do. All of us. We are all in need of the Atonement and God’s mercy and grace to save us. Even if someone only needs “a little” of the Atonement, it still covers us all equally.

So, keeping those things in mind, how can we love and support each other in difficult times?

1. Be Authentic. Show kindness and caring, but only if it’s genuine. People can spot immediately if they feel you are just putting on a show. You can just be your normal self, without grand gestures or avoidance. Others having difficulties are still the same person they were before. Also, you should never be afraid of *authentically* loving people in or out of the church. Christ never worried about being too nice to the wrong sort of people or that by loving them it might be misconstrued as approving of sin. He showed everyone respect, and reaffirmed their value as precious human beings, no matter what their personal choices were.

2. Respect and validate their feelings. Don’t assume that because you never felt a certain way, it’s not real for others. Just because your testimony is strong and always has been, that someone else’s struggle isn’t real and painful. Questioning what they thought they knew is painful and definitely not taking the “easy way out.”

3. Keep confidences. If someone confides their pain with you, don’t share it with others, even in leadership meetings. If someone hasn’t shared with you, you can ask them yourself. Don’t ask anyone else. If you don’t feel comfortable asking that person, maybe it isn’t any of your business. Remember to THINK before sharing information:

T-Is it true?

H-Is it helpful?

I-Is it inspiring?

N-Is it necessary?

K-Is it kind?

If the answers are no to any of these questions, your best bet is to stay quiet. Rumors and gossip can be really damaging. If you really hope that someone will come back to church, the chances are better if they feel like not everyone knows their business or believes terrible lies about them.

4. Be patient and give them space. Too many questions and too much attention can overwhelm anyone, and possibly drive them further away. Faith is a deeply personal thing, and once broken, takes time to rebuild. Offer to be there for them, offer a listening ear, but know that you really can’t do anything to fix it.

5. Keep being their friend. You may feel uncomfortable, and you might not know what to say. In that case, give them a hug, and say “I’m sorry” and “I’m here.” Try not to take it personally if they don’t agree with you on particular issues. They may decide to leave the church. They still have value as a person and as a child of God, and deserve to be treated that way.

6. Leave judgment to God. We all have shortcomings and difficult times. They didn’t bring their problems on themselves. You don’t know the depth of their struggles, and the trials they have experienced.

7. Be careful on what you suggest they do. Chances are, they have already done it, and still have issues. Suggesting if they would “just “, and they would feel better, just oversimplifies the problem and isn’t validating.

8. Talk to them. They aren’t contagious. Their doubt isn’t going to infect your testimony. Acknowledge them. The gospel principles sometimes are painful and difficult to understand. Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.

9. Be supportive yourself. You don’t need to rally the troops. Don’t send the missionaries, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, family, neighbors, and ward members to check up on them. They will feel bombarded and like everyone is talking about them.

10. Keep interactions personal. A few personal, meaningful and kind words will be more effective than leaving anonymous cookies, conference talks, etc. on their porch. If you want to show you care, great. Just be authentic about it. (See #1)

11. Accept them for who they are. Their experiences have brought them to this point. They are unique individuals, and have to choose how to live their own lives. Accept that despite your best efforts, they may still leave the church. It is their personal decision, and their agency to do so. Remember that this is their journey, not yours.

I think that by keeping these things in mind, we can remember that we are doing the Lord’s work. The more we rely on Him and the Spirit and less on ourselves and our egos, we can make everyone feel loved and accepted.