I read a ton of advice that says, “Never contact women on Facebook!” It’s creepy, they say. It’s needy, they say. It never works, they say. I met my boyfriend on Facebook and we’ve been a happy couple ever since. So, clearly, it does work. You just have to know how. This is your guide on how to start conversations with women on Facebook without looking like a creep.

Improve your profile

First, you need a good profile picture. This doesn’t mean that you have to look like a male model. Just make sure people are able to see your whole face – a friendly, well-groomed face, if possible.

When you don’t show your face in your profile pic it makes women wonder, “Does he have something to hide?”

Second, pour some personality into your profile. Post photos of you doing sports, playing the piano, chilling with friends… Search for events that you want to go to and click “Going”. Maybe even upload a few videos that present you in a favorable light. Short, you need a great lifestyle and proof of it in your profile.

Third, post only stuff that is amusing, interesting, and valuable. Especially young people make the mistake of posting their whole emotional spectrum on social media. The result is quote posts like, “I hate getting flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember.” Errr…ok.

Maybe I am old-fashioned, but I’d rather not go out with a guy who seems to be on the brink of a depression.

Rule of thumb: On social media, the sky must always be blue. I.e., just post stuff that shows how awesome your life is. Misery isn’t exactly what makes others want to get to know you.

Identify the right girl to start a conversation with

Now it’s getting interesting. You get to pick someone to contact. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:

First and foremost, the girl you plan on contacting should be single. Therefore, make sure her Facebook status doesn’t say “In a relationship”, or “It’s complicated”. Trying to win over a woman who is taken is pointless. (and you also don’t want to be the guy who causes trouble in her relationship) The world is full of beautiful and interesting women, pick one that isn’t in a relationship.

The second point on the agenda: Make sure she is living relatively close to you. You don’t want to get involved with girls living hundreds or even thousands of miles away. Building a connection on social media with someone you won’t be able to meet in person is lost time. After all, the whole point of contacting someone this way is to transition from online to a real life date.

Third, you need a “reason” to start a conversation. Otherwise, you’re going to struggle with building a connection to her. A “reason” could be mutual friends (You saw her with X on that photo. She attends the same photography class as your friend John.) It could also be a mutual interest, like a no-name band both of you like. Or both of you are members of the same Facebook Group. Whatever it is, you need some sort of connection to her, before you write her. People are busy. They don’t want to take time out of their day to interact with people who they are not interested in and don’t know.

The right mindset

If your only goal is to secure a date, you won’t have any chance of success because your mindset was wrong from the beginning. You can’t lead a meaningful conversation if you’re just waiting for the right moment to ask her out. Your true intentions will shine through.

At the beginning, your only goal should be getting to know interesting women and having a good time chatting with them. If the two of you hit it off and arrange a date, more power to you. But it’s also ok if nothing happens. See it as practice.

Not only on the internet but in general, you should go into conversations with women with the mindset, “I am curious to learn more about her and see if we are a good fit for each other.” It’s not about proving yourself to her. And it’s also not about her proving herself to you. What you want is a mutually beneficial connection between two adults.

Rejection on the internet

Usually, I’d tell you that looks are just the cherry on the cake. But this is only true for real life. Online, things are different. All she sees is a 2-dimensional picture of you. She can’t be attracted to your confidence, or your intelligence, or your passion for butterflies. Moreover, pretty women get an incredible amount of messages every single day of the week. If they’re not attracted to you based on your photos and profile info, they won’t want to start chatting with you. That’s the ugly truth.

Therefore, rejection is much more common online. It could be that you have to contact 10-20 women before one responds to you. It’s important that you don’t take stuff like that personally! You can’t attract every single woman. There is a myriad of reasons that a girl could reject you for, none of which have anything to do with you. So, if the unavoidable rejection happens, don’t get mad. Accept it, and move on to the next one. Don’t lose your time writing to women who are not 100% interested in you. You can’t appeal to everyone.

Tip: If she is writing way less than you are and she never asks you questions, chances are she isn’t that into you. Move on.

How to start the conversation

I don’t want to give you canned lines because everyone has their own unique voice. But I’d like to give you a couple of opening sentences as examples, so you can get the idea and then rewrite them so they fit your personal style.

Let’s say you love cooking and are a member of a Facebook group that’s all about exchanging tips and tricks on preparing delicious Mediterranean meals. In the group, there is this one woman who is posting from time to time. From what you know about her from her profile, you think she is cute. Recently, she posted in the group about a cooking class that she had attended. You read her post and because you always wanted to try a cooking class, you’d like to know if it was worth it. So you send her a private message:

“Hi! I just read in the Mediterranean Cooking Group that you recently went to this pasta cooking class. I’ve always wanted to try one out as well, but never found time and enough motivation to sign up for one. :) Did you like it? Was it worth the time and the money?”

The exact same approach is possible in any field. Photography, movies, yoga, painting, bacon lovers, you name it. There are communities where people talk about their interests and you can easily get in touch with the members there given you have a real interest in the topic and aren’t just a silent member who tries to pick up women.

Tip: Always know what to say after “Hi!” – when you write someone then it’s your job to initiate the conversation. “Hi” and “How are you” are terrible conversation starters. I’ll show you why:

Boy: Hi Girl: Hi Boy: So, how are you? Girl: Fine, thx! Boy: So, what are you doing? Girl: <no answer>

Chats like the one above are boring as hell. Imagine how frustrating it is to go through numerous conversations like that, every day. People don’t have the time to chat with random strangers and tell them everything they want to know. You need to build a connection first.

This is how you do it:

Show her you have something in common. (You’re both interested in cooking, photography, some kind of sports.)

Show vulnerability (“I’ve always wanted to try one out, but…”)

Don’t ask for permission to ask her a question – just ask.

Use emoticons. Text without cues as to how you mean your message can be easily misread. Emoticons can help with making your tone clearer and trigger emotion.

As you can see, meeting women through Facebook is about leading a normal, mutually interesting conversation. No rocket science involved. Just real interest from a real person in a real person.

That’s it for part 1. Stay tuned for part 2! It’s about how to go from a connection to a real-life date. It’s going to be published next week.