Starting to feel age tugging at your jaw line? Does your doctor tell you that you have a case of the uglies? You need a little Alex Chiu.

Alex Chiu is the creator of what he calls “the most important [sic] invention in human history,” an immortality device.

You might think that if the secret to immortality had been discovered, you would have heard about it by now. But that’s only because most of its users are doing it wrong: Like any medical instrument, Chiu’s invention must be used correctly, and plenty of people don’t quite use them perfectly. Still, even those who don’t achieve immortality will benefit by improving their health and physique, at least elongating their lives.

But that’s not what draws most to Chiu’s website. He’s also the inventor of Gorgeouspil, a supplement that will revolutionize the beauty industry if Chiu has his way. According to his website:

It was named “Gorgeous Pill” because it turns a user prettier every time the pill was taken. The user will gradually look like a super model. And then he will surpass the hottest celebrity super models within months! It is strong enough to change the shape of your facial bones… Simply pop the pills and look prettier each morning!

As pretty, he says, as Alicia Silverstone.

Ever one to take a bet, I bought a month’s supply of Gorgeouspil (which only works with a pair of immortality rings and foot clamps), and for a grand total of $100 I was off to the races.

I started with this yucky face as my starting point.

Then I got to work, turning myself into Cary Grant. The first step was to eat some leafy greens. I chose some green leaf lettuce. No problem, there. Next, I had to wait an hour and remember not to eat during that hour. Again, no problem. Then came the crucial part: eat two tablespoons of Gorgeouspil and swallow with water. Big problem.

As it turns out, Gorgeouspil is not a pill. It is a powder, packed inside a tiny canister. And it reeks of turmeric and spices. In order to take it, one must plop two tablespoons of spice onto their tongue. And we are not talking about a tasty dollop of Mrs. Dash here. We are talking mouthfuls of turmeric. I took a video of my first horrific Gorgeouspil session, wherein I dissolve into petulant pouting.

Once I had recovered from the emotional turmoil of downing straight spices, I donned my foot clamps and rings, which must be worn in a very particular position in order to work. The next step is when the magic happens: I had to lie down, very still, and let the healing take place. The longer a person stays at rest, the more the mixture can work to repair years of aging and degeneration. In fact, for every four days of Gorgeouspil, I would subtract a year from my body. (What happens when you take it for years? Do you become a zygote? Who knows.)

I love any remedy that tells me to lie around and not work, and Chiu’s Gorgeouspil gave me plenty of that. Rest was stressed over and over, both on Chiu’s website and in the materials mailed with my purchase.

Because Chiu began his work many years ago, and is incredibly prolific, his website is full of endless information on all sorts of topics, and a true devotee will find that some writings contradict one another. At one time, he insisted that a person should never fall asleep wearing the rings and foot clamps or “the healing will stop.” At another, he said to wear them while at rest including sleep.

To clear this up, I contacted Chiu and received a reply from his “silent partner,” Christian Kim. Kim was more than happy to answer my many questions, often at length. He explained that:

The body goes through 2 big cycles in a day – active and rest. Rest period is where the body restores/heals itself (or at least it TRIES to)… So, when you can truly rest, you can and SHOULD use the rings and foot braces. Sleeping period is obvious for everyone (well most of us – there are people who are having problem with this too!). What about reading books in bed? How about watching TV? Talking on the phone? Well, that depends on the body. And the BEST (maybe the ONLY?) way to find out is to TEST it out.

Since I tend to be a restless sleeper (and, I admit, the rings and foot clamps made it tough for me to fall sleep to begin with), I decided that I am most serene and at rest while reading. So, every night, after eating my lettuce, taking my Georgouspil, and putting on my clamps and rings, I would read for up to an hour, keeping my hands and feet locked into my immortality devices, and letting the Gorgeouspil sweep through my veins, rejuvenating my every cell.

Many people who went through the same process did not leave satisfied. In 2009, Mr. Chiu was indicted on several counts of felony fraud when he refused to give refunds to people who said his foot clamps, rings, and Gorgeouspil failed to make them gorgeous.1 Chiu was fined $10,000 and put on three years of probation.

In an interview with disinformation, Chiu explained:

I must admit some of these refunds that I did not honor was [sic] my fault. I was offended when customers sent back the rings or foot braces claiming that I am a fraud, claiming that these rings cannot give them immortality. I was extremely insulted any time customers sent back the rings with an insulting note. So sometimes I just kept their money.

Chiu is also now careful to mark all of his products “No medical claims” and warns that they cannot stop you from getting hit by a bus or being murdered; they merely slow down or reverse the aging process.

It appears that these days, Chiu doesn’t communicate directly with buyers, letting Christian Kim handle correspondence. Kim told me he took over this job, “so Mr. Chiu could devote his time with his continued experimentation and invention!”

And Chiu is clearly very busy. Besides inventing new ways to stop the inevitable march toward death, he devotes sections of his website to Bible code (the idea that prophetic messages are hidden in the Bible), philosophy about the nature of God, a review of the I-Ching, his own end-times prophecies (one says that in 2005, the United States, Taiwan, and China would engage in “the bloodiest war of all”), instructions on building a UFO, rudimentary plans for a teleportation machine, and a plan to stop human overpopulation by giving everyone Gorgeouspil so that they are too healthy and beautiful to need anyone else to carry on their blood line.

For all of his unlikely claims, Chiu puts his money where his mouth is when it comes to proving that his products work. He faithfully documents his own progress, taking YouTube videos of himself at various ages and showing the world how “gorgeous” he remains. I tend to think he looks healthy, and his own age, but you can judge for yourself.

As for me, I don’t think I’m much more gorgeous than when I began. Maybe slightly so. After all, I am certainly well-rested.

Notes

1 USA v. Chiu, Case # 3:2009-cr-01150.