All right. It’s getting hot in here. We’re experiencing the kind of weather that can turn perfectly civilized people into testy, irritable, sweaty monsters. Most news coverage you see will focus on protecting yourself from the heat and humidity by doing things like staying indoors and drinking plenty of water, but they fail to warn you about the real danger–namely, the irritable, sweaty monsters. This is a foolproof guide to extreme heat etiquette so you can protect yourself.

1.) Watch your mouth

Choose your words carefully. While everyone is talking about the weather, there are some things that should be left unsaid. Questions like “Hot enough for ya?” are actual grounds for physical assault. Also, utter the phrase, “How about this heat?,” and the next thing you hear could be, “Yeah, how ’bout it?” right before your face hits the pavement.

Don’t get me started on “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” Just. Don’t.

2.) Keep your shirt on

Yuck. That hairy chest of yours is making me hot and not in a good way. Watching you stand there and sweat in your fur shirt gives me the “skeeve sweats” on top of the sweating I’m already doing thanks to Mother Nature’s hot flashes. It’s not making you any cooler and it’s making the rest of us nauseous.

This goes double for joggers. Speaking of…

3.) Stop Jogging

There’s nothing I hate more than feeling like I’m going to pass out just walking down the sidewalk only to be lapped by some masochist in gym shorts. What’s worse is: it’s usually the same person I accidentally shoveled snow on six months ago. We get it: you’re a specimen of extreme fitness and commitment, impervious to extreme weather and you’re probably going to live forever. Unless, of course, I kill you first. Try swimming, freak show.

*If you must jog, don’t take your dog with you. HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO.

4.) Stop Complaining

Hard as it is, complaining gets you nowhere and it probably makes you hotter from all the energy you expend from wildly fanning yourself and shouting about the heat index.

Worse, though, you could be accused of being a meteorological Goldilocks: a finicky crybaby who doesn’t like it too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, too sunny or too gray. Next thing you know, you’re defending the magnificence of the four seasons and the splendor of a white Christmas. It’s just not worth it. You’ll sound like a moron and no one will be listening to you anyway. Instead, you should exert yourself by trying to get an invite to your friend’s pool or by researching the latest blended cocktails.

5.) Some like it hot, but trust me, no one cares

Every time I hear someone say something like, “I love this stuff. I love to sweat,” I have to restrain myself from saying, “no kidding.” If you want to stew in your own juice that’s your business, but don’t share it with the rest of us. You’re as foul-smelling as you are smug.

These are the same people who always counter conversations about the unpleasantries of hot weather with stories of ice storms and blizzards. I once found myself in one such conversation and I thought my eyes were glazing over from boredom, but then I realized it was just my body using up the last drop of ocular fluid just to sustain itself.

Bottom line, sweat lovers? I’m happy you’re happy. Now shut up and stop hogging the fan.

Having a safe and happy summer is just matter of being prepared and knowing the rules. Follow these simple tips and you should have no trouble safely surviving even the longest, hottest summer.

Stay cool, everyone.