Carolyn Hax: My younger sister won't let me meet her boyfriend

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My younger sister won't let me meet her boyfriend of three months. I've invited them over for dinner, she's declined. I've asked if I can meet them out, she's declined. She says it's because they aren't serious, and she doesn't think you introduce boyfriends to family unless it's serious.

That's her prerogative, I know, but she's got a history of dating dishonest men (all have ended badly, naturally) and so I worry that her hiding him from me is a red flag. What should I do ... besides worry?

-- Sib

What has the worrying accomplished so far?

It's one of the tallest orders in emotional life, but it's worth working on, starting now: The healthiest thing you can do in dealing with loved ones with unhealthy habits is stop investing yourself in their choices.

Use whatever strategies it takes -- from deep breathing; to framing it as "This is what she wants and what works for her"; to accepting (embracing even) that her life is hers to live as she chooses; to respecting her as capable of running her own life; to reminding yourself that you can't help someone who doesn't want help and can't change someone who doesn't want to change; to just investing your energy in your own life.

Worrying is deceptive: It's your brain telling you there's a way to control something that you actually can't control. Your sister's choices, for example.

So stop trying to meddle and just work on staying close to her -- which is, I'd argue, mutually exclusive with trying to fix her.

Good luck.



Re: Sib:

I bet my siblings would call me the "sensitive" sister. That label along with the behavior described in the letter are why we're all not close as adults. I don't know what it is -- the birth order or the gender or both -- that moves my siblings to infantilize me or treat me like I have the brain of a 5-year-old, but somehow my actions have always deserved greater paternalistic, controlling "input" than the children who came before me. And if I defend myself or close myself off or act in a way they don't like, I'm "sensitive."

The irony is all of my siblings have made terrible choices too, including wrong SOs, yet they never ever get the scrutiny or condescending "helpful" advice like I do. Their choices are always "different" or they got to learn from them without anyone else interfering.

Whatever it is, I don't need "saving" and neither does your sister. Leave her alone and I'll bet she'll come to you. You'd also be wise to question the rest of your relationship.

-- Sensitive Sister

Boom. Thanks.



Re: Sister's Boyfriend

Instead of inviting the two of them out, spend time with just your sister. It'll ease your worrying that something is wrong, and if there are warning signs, you'll be that much closer to notice them. Plus, if he is bad for her, getting her away from him to be with other people will be good for her.

-- Anonymous

Aka, "just work on staying close to her." Thanks for fleshing it out.