Rochester, MN—In an effort to mollify patients’ fears about their reproductive health, the nation’s gynecologists held a press conference Wednesday assuring women that whatever gets stuck in there, they can get out. “Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation regarding the female reproductive tract, so we want to send a clear message to any woman who is confused or embarrassed about her vagina: We promise that no matter what you shove up there, we can yank it out,” said spokesperson Natalie Hudson, noting that any foreign object stuffed into the vagina probably can’t get past the cervix, and even if it did, a trained professional would know to check the uterus before declaring it lost forever. “We’re not saying it’ll be comfortable coming out—your vagina is probably going to feel a little wonky for a few days—but we can absolutely guarantee that it can be removed. Let us assure you that there have been considerable advancements in gynecology, so we can safely extract any item even if it’s crammed in there sideways. Tampons, sex toys, USB flash drives, frozen hot dogs, puzzle pieces, we’ve seen it all.” At press time, the nation’s gynecologists had released a follow-up statement admitting that they lacked the tools and methods to successfully remove a used condom.



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