ATLANTA—In an effort to glean more information on the continuing epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly launched an investigation Friday as a third teen showed up dead after wandering into the mysterious cloud of vape mist that’s been spreading across the country. “It’s too early to definitively link these deaths to the impenetrable shroud of e-cigarette vapor engulfing the nation, but the fact that multiple teens have been swallowed by the mist only to be discovered days later with their skin flayed and eyes oozing blood is a concerning sign,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, urging Americans who were considering entering the opaque, tutti-frutti-scented fog to do so with extreme caution until more evidence could be collected. “We have yet to determine whether it’s some quality of the mist itself that’s causing these deaths, or if there’s an unspeakable horror lurking within. I should also stress that numerous teenagers who have entered the mist have displayed no physical symptoms, though their time in the vape cloud does usually leave them mumbling incoherently or attempting to grab a police officer’s pistol and shoot themselves in the head to silence the demons.” At press time, Redfield noted that the investigation remained inconclusive after sending wave upon wave of researchers into the mist only for them to disappear forever.

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