Ignoring my immediate mistrust of any political entity’s name beginning with a hashtag, these guys oppose the idea of “big Australia”, or in other words, they believe Australia doesn't need a huge population to do well. With the slogan ‘#BetterNotBigger’, they propose tax reform, improvements to health and education, environmental restoration, more renewable energy and public transport, as well as lower immigration.

Vote for them if: You like the environment and hashtags, but dislike people.

A party with fairly diverse policy, their main aim is to “bring Australia into the 21st century”. They propose online public voting for major policies (I’ll get to that later), a cigarette ban for anyone born after 2000 (because prohibition *always* works), high speed rail on the east coast, iPads for every student, as well as plenty of other policy which varies from sensible (like improvements to education) to a tad strange (like turning Australia Post into a bank). Oh, and they want to get rid of the state governments. As you do.

Vote for them if: You hate your state government, but love Australia Post.

This party does pretty much exactly what you think they do. Their sole aim is stand for animal rights, and put forward policy that protects animal welfare, both directly and indirectly, including banning tree felling in urban areas, banning the killing of all wildlife (including introduced species — they advocate for humane control methods), action on climate change, bans on cat and dog sales by pet shops, as well bans on rodeos and the use of animals in circuses.

Vote for them if: You’re an animal.

One of the Animal Justice Party’s Senate candidates

The first of quite a few far right parties. This is (unfortunately) one of the more long-lived ones, and they stand for the usual conservative things, like “abolishing multiculturalism” (I’d like to see them not eat any foreign food), and “strengthen the family” (which makes them sound a bit like the Mafia). Needless to say, if you’re voting for a party that was involved with the Cronulla Riots, have been described as neo-Nazi, and have reportedly been infiltrated by the KKK, you should really look at yourself in a mirror.

Vote for them if: Just don’t .

(Fun Fact: their website looks like it was made by a Year 7 Computer Science student. They even use Comic Sans on their policy document)

A party that does what it says on the box. Their sole aim is to introduce legislation to reduce child sexual abuse, make prosecutions of paedophiles quicker and give them longer sentences, as well as start a Royal Commission into the Family Court over the way it deals with children. And that’s pretty much it.

Vote for them if: You have a Working With Children Check.

Formed by a split of the Christian Democrats, they’re what you’d expect from a Christian political group. They’re against same-sex marriage, abortion, voluntary euthanasia, prostitution, IVF (except for married couples), and “the creation of human/animal hybrids”. Yes, that is actually one of their policies. But despite how conservative you think they are, they actually acknowledge climate change! Except they think we have “more important priorities”, and renewables are more expensive than coal (not any more they’re not). So still very backward.

Vote for them if: You’re not a hybrid, like whatever this is.

Is this the Australian Christians’ worst nightmare? Probably

A party of fairly few policies, as their elected representatives are supposed to represent the will of their electorate. The policies they do have, however, are standard country-based party fare, like protections for the agriculture industry, better controls of irrigation water, restrictions on foreign ownership, and allowing more hunting. They also have a worryingly ambiguous national security policy, but a fairly solid proposal to recognise Indigenous Australians in our constitution. However, they do state they stand for “old school values”, so proceed with caution.

Vote for them if: You like The Nationals’ policy but don’t like The Nationals.

You might be surprised to learn that this party’s sole purpose is to raise awareness of cyclists and other related issues. You may not be. Pretty much, they want to stop stuff like this happening:

The gazelle was confirmed to be a member of the Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party

Well, not really that specifically. They’d like to see more laws that improve cyclist safety (like greater passing distances), more cycling infrastructure, as well as making cycling more attractive to the general population (by removing compulsory helmet laws for adults).

Vote for them if: You have ever worn Lycra non-ironically.

Now, I have to be honest here. When I saw the name of this party, I thought, here we go, another fairly conservative minor party. When I read that Jacqui Lambie was linked to the party before she formed her own, I was readying myself for the worst. Then I opened their policy document, and it was…

Sensible. Overwhelmingly sensible. They support same sex marriage. They believe we have an obligation to not imprison people seeking refuge, whilst still combating the people smuggling trade. They acknowledge human-driven climate change, and want more renewable energy development. Sure, they believe we should still mine coal (on the proviso that it doesn't destroy prime agricultural land), and there are a few other policies which mean they won’t get the support of some of the more left-leaning population (their religion and freedom of speech policy reads a bit like the rhetoric of some far-right groups), but no one will get angry at you for supporting this party. Probably.

And of course, they have a significant amount of policy about ex-Defence Force personnel. It would be weird if they didn't.

Vote for them if: You’re a veteran or a veteran’s family member.

Another single issue party, whose sole aim is to promote the rights of LGBTIQ Australians, and their families, as well as promoting diversity and inclusion for all of Australia. Obviously supporting marriage equality, they also want assist those in minority groups, such as refugees, Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islanders, and those with a disability, who identify as LGBTIQ, to get the rights they deserve. Unfortunately for most of Australia, you won’t get to vote for this party; at this stage, they’re only fielding a Senate candidate in Victoria.

Vote for them if: You support marriage equality.

The first of the major parties (yes, the Greens are a major party, they hold nearly 15% of the Senate), they stand for 4 core values: ecological sustainability, social justice, grassroots democracy, and peace and non-violence. Also, their leader is the 5th Wiggle:

Choo-choo chugga-chugga Big Red (Electric) Car

They’d like to see more investment in renewables, expansion of public transport, support for same-sex marriage and reproductive rights, as well as a significant amount of economic policy. Actually, they have a policy for pretty much everything.

Vote for them if: You‘re the Green Wiggle.

With these guys starting to poll either on par or above the Coalition, I don’t think I need to explain who they are. Still, in the interest in fairness, I should probably go through a bit of their policy.

Their focus seems to be on “positive policy”, which I'm guessing is their way of trying to get out of the Opposition negativity trap. They want to push for 50% renewables by 2020, same-sex marriage within 100 days of being elected, a bunch of tax reform, and improvements to education. And with people slowing starting to warm to Bill Shorten (very slowly, I might add), these guys might win the election after all. Maybe.

Vote for them if: You dance like this.

The Shorten Shuffle

Instead of going through and destroying their policies (which are a weird combination of anti-Islam, pro-renewable energy, and anti-marriage equality, among others), I’ll just leave you with some quotes from the party to think about:

Me right now

Vote for them if: No.

If you've been paying attention to politics over the past few years, you would know that this party won a Senate seat with only 0.51% of the primary vote, and that was the main driver (get it?) to introduce the Senate reforms I mentioned earlier. But what do they actually stand for? You know, apart from Ricky Muir.

The actual logo that will appear on ballot papers. I can’t make this shit up.

Well, as their name might suggest, their main policy focus is on motor vehicles, especially the issues of road safety, improvements to roads, and recreational off-road driving, as well as support for the motoring industry. In terms of general policy, they have nothing. Zip. Zero. Pretty much, any legislation that’s put to the Senate is tested against their “core values”, which include them believing in ‘mateship’, ‘individual economic freedom’, ‘a sense of family’, and ‘the people of Australia’. Or in other words, they believe in vague statements that could literally be used to support any side of any argument. Which isn't really comforting when you realise they currently hold some of the balance of power in the Senate.

Vote for them if: You've had more cars than relationships.

This progressive party stands for six values, which include ethics, empathy, equality, evidence, engagement and empowerment. It does make it sound like they made those after watching an episode of Sesame Street, but anyway.

IT’S TOO CATCHY!

In terms of policy, they have a tough stance against anti-vaxxers, support for marriage equality, and restoring funding to the ABC and SBS, among others. They also promise community consultation on policy, and considering they have relied on crowdfunding, they might just be held to that.

Vote for them if: You love the letter E.

These guys were set up by the Eros Association (a sex industry lobby group) to combat the increasing influence of religion in politics. They've since broadened their scope, with a huge range of policy, including changes to abortion laws, drug decriminalisation, making religious groups non-exempt from tax, decriminalising voluntary euthanasia, marriage equality, making Australia a republic, and decriminalising the sex industry, among others. Their policy is fairly similar to the Greens, which actually helped the Greens win Senate seats in every state in 2010 through Sex Party preferences.

Vote for them if: You like lobby groups who create a political party in an attempt to get more power.

Yes, another party that only wants one thing. Except a bullet train along the east coast has been put forward so many times, with absolutely nothing happening, that it seems like a waste of time creating a party solely focused on the issue. They also don’t have any metric to measure other policy, so even if they do get a Senate seat, there is no way to know which way they’ll vote. Which is super helpful, isn’t it?

Vote for them if: You like trains.

You saw this coming, didn't you?

Do you remember the Australian Christians I mentioned earlier? You know, the human/animal hybrid haters. Well, these guys have identical policy. Pretty much to the word, except these guys think climate change isn't real. But apart from that, they’re just as conservative. So you know, avoid them.

Vote for them if: You hated the Animorphs books.

The CDP was more afraid of the claim “Change is necessary” than the actual hybrid

There’s only one thing you really need to know about these guys: they follow the ideas of conspiracy-theorist Lyndon LaRouche, and if the mention of conspiracy theory isn't setting off alarm bells, there’s no saving you now. Pretty much everyone puts them near last in preferences, they think climate change is a hoax, they've been described as anti-Semitic, anti-gay, and racist, and oh yeah, they’re almost definitely a cult. If you want you can look at their policy, or you could just avoid them.

Vote for them if: You blatantly disregard facts.

Do you love pure capitalism? Then this is the party for you! These guys stand for separating corporate and government interests, by mostly reducing corruption/political donations. They also want to tax the rich more (which actually doesn't sound that capitalist), get rid of tolls on roads, and have deposit schemes for recycling. Only thing is, they support anti-vaxxers right to choose, saying there is “no scientific consensus” on the benefits or dangers (there actually is). So voting for them is supporting anti-vaxxers. I’ll let that sink in.

Vote for them if: You don’t know how scientific consensus works.

Pretty much just the Territorian arm of the Coalition, so there’s not much to say here. They’re more closely aligned with the Nationals, but either way, just look at Liberal policy to figure out what these guys stand for. On top of that, they also want the NT to become a state, which is fair enough.

Note: The NT Chief Minister (aka the Territory’s version of Premier) is a member of the party. You know the guy, the one who said people should be able to climb Uluru, even though the traditional owners don’t like it.

Vote for them if: You are a Liberal Territorian.

Policy wise, these guys are fairly similar to the Australian Country Party. The usual Nationals-esque ideas about protecting rural communities are around, although they do have fairly sensible policy about asylum seekers, Indigenous rights, rural mental health, and they acknowledge that human climate change is a thing. In saying that, their guns policy starts by saying the party is “not a pro or anti firearm organisation per se”, yet then gives a fairly long list of reasons about why we should loosen our gun laws. So yeah, not all great.

Vote for them if: You don’t like the Nationals or the Country Party, but love guns.

Not to be confused with the actual Labor party (hey, I had to make sure, we’ve already done something like this before), these guys call themselves “centrist”, but honestly, their policy seems pretty similar to a lot of conservative parties. They don’t like abortion, they want to effectively hold Indonesia to ransom by removing foreign aid for every boat that arrives, and they don’t even like civil unions for same-sex couples. They also want to invest in “Polywell fusion”, which I had never heard about before, as an energy source. Turns out there’s a reason for that: it’s nowhere near as efficient, nor as useable for energy generation, as they claim.

This is what you get for listening to a political party on fusion power

Vote for them if: You love blackouts.

Derryn Hinch: the outspoken journalist, who has become renowned for publicly naming sex offenders, and occasionally taking down newsreaders with a pitchfork.

Not a rip off of Anchorman at all

Well, Hinch decided to make his own party, so he could try and get his message out there even more. The parties policy includes voluntary euthanasia, equality for all, and animal justice, but mostly relates to reforms to the justice system, like changes to bail and parole, as well as wanting to introduce a public sex offender registry. I mean, some of the reforms sound like they’re heading towards the American system, which probably isn't good, but I can see why some people may want them in.

Vote for them if: You own a pitchfork.

If you couldn't tell from the name, these guys are all about drug decriminalisation and harm minimisation. With the slogan “keep the bastards rational”, they want to implement a regulatory model on illicit substances, and improve health services for those with an addiction, which is all based on hard evidence. They make a compelling case, especially when talking about how it would take money from the black market. But as Waleed Aly pointed out, “no one gets elected being nice to drug dealers”, so it will be interesting to see how much traction they get.

Vote for them if: You don’t care if your party doesn't get elected.

Before researching the party for this article, I literally only knew them for one thing: making the catchiest campaign video I have ever seen.

Coincidentally, it is also the campaign video with the worst singing, and most embarrassing visuals

Unfortunately, that’s the only redeeming feature for the party. They don’t support same-sex marriage, they don’t think there’s scientific consensus on climate change (Oh, is 97% not good enough?), and they think “life is precious”, or in other words, they’re anti abortion and voluntary euthanasia. So all in all, pretty much just another conservative Christian political party.

Vote for them if: You’re just like Henry.

You might know Glenn Lazarus as The Brick With Eyes, from Lambie and the Brick. You may not.

I’ll admit, it’s a fairly obscure reference

Anyway, after splitting from Palmer United, the Brick…I mean, Lazarus, decided to form his own party, because it’s obviously a thing you do. Overall, his team’s policy is fairly sensible, wanting to increase education funding and renewable energy targets, creating more transparency in refugee processing, support for a conscience vote on same-sex marriage, as well as free essential health care, and tax incentives to reduce the cost of recreational sport (what else did you expect from an ex-rugby player?). So all in all, great coming from a brick.

Vote for them if: Brick Brick (Translation: You love Brick.)

I’ll open here with the fact that up until October last year, these guys were known as the Natural Medicine Party, and follow by explaining that natural medicine is another term for alternative medicine. With that said, here’s Tim Minchin’s Storm.

How to take down alternative medicine without any effort on your part

With that out of my system, this party has a lot of policy, some of it sensible, and some of it supremely dumb, like researching electro-smog (i.e. electromagnetic radiation), which really is not a thing, nor a problem, supporting natural medicine, and not fluoridating water, which has been proven to be safe and have benefits. So however much good policy they have, I really can’t overlook their stupidity.

Vote for them if: You don’t realise that alternative medicine that’s been proven to work is called medicine.

Shocking news: This party is based in Nimbin, the centre of Australia’s cannabis culture. Their only policy area, which again might come as a surprise, is to fully legalise cannabis (I know, it’s not at all obvious from the name). Their policy document pretty much just goes over the harms of prohibition, and benefits of allowing the cannabis plant to be grown, including it’s use as food (not like you think), and fuel (I'm just as confused as you are).

Vote for them if: Your favourite time of day is 4:20.

Ahh, Jacqui Lambie. The curveball that the Palmer United Party threw at parliament and the Australian public last election, which gave us moments like this:

Well, after becoming too much of a curveball for Palmer, Lambie decided to set up her own party, like everyone else it seems. The party has 14 core values, which all their policy is based on, and they really are typical Lambie. Opposing Sharia Law (she should read this), “regulating” Halal because it might be “funding terrorism” (it’s not), and slashing foreign aid (does she not realise foreign aid combats terrorism?). In saying that, she does want Indigenous constitutional recognition (as well as dedicated Indigenous seats, like they have in New Zealand), as well as allowing conscience votes on all moral issues.

Vote for them if: Um, you know, um, if, um, you obviously want to see the world burn.

Climate change denier. Wind farm hater. “Unashamedly pro life”. All phrases used to describe John Madigan, a current senator who use to be a member of the Democratic Labour Party (aka the blackout party). Yes, this is another party formed by someone leaving another political party during their term. Yes, I wish this would stop happening too. Anyway, in terms of policy, this party doesn’t really have. There’s some policy on manufacturing. There’s some policy on farming. There’s some on “protecting our national interest”, and “standing up” for families. But honestly, it’s the stuff that’s not mentioned in his policy, but he’s known for, that you really can’t ignore.

Vote for them if: You deny climate change, or in other words, you’re wrong.

Bob Katter. Everyone’s favourite Akubra-hat-wearing, occasionally shouty, and and straight up insane parliamentarian.

Even Katter agrees he should be reined in

In terms of policy, it’s what you’d expect from Katter. A lot of stuff about rural affairs and Australian jobs, and a refugee policy which starts by saying Australia is “a nation of migration”, and quoting the National Anthem (the old “boundless plains to share” chestnut), but then forgets all this and pushes for more stringent controls on those wanting to come into the country. They've got some policy on other things as well (like acknowledging human-driven climate change), but can you really trust a man who wears a hat indoors?

Vote for them if: You want to maintain the level of crazy in Parliament.

You might know this party as the one who managed to get a Senator elected through the donkey vote and having a very similar name to the Liberal Party (which is part of the reason we’re getting party logos on ballot papers). Apart from that, you would know them as Australia’s main libertarian party. Pretty much, they love freedom, and aim to get as much of it as possible.

Pictured: David Leyonhjelm on weekends

Now, that sounds all well and good, but when you realise it also means they stand for loosening gun laws, and making approval from the Therapeutic Goods Administration voluntary for medication, it sort of sours the tone. You can check the rest of their policy here, but it’s all fairly consistently libertarian.

Vote for them if: You have a Brave Heart.

Continuity and change. The #ideasboom. Great starting points. But where could I go? I could go through their policy, but I really can’t be bothered (if you’re interested, their policy is here. Hint: There’s a lot about jobs. And growth). However, I did find something interesting. As well as their policy, they have a “Federal Platform”, which is basically the party manifesto. Right at the beginning of the document, there’s a list of things the Libs believe in, but taking a closer look, there seems to be some contradictions. For example:

Fine, have whatever policy you want, that’s your choice. But if you can’t even stay true to your beliefs, you shouldn't even bother.

Vote for them if:You voted/wanted to vote for this guy last election and don’t regret that decision (because there has been continuity, but not much change).

#auspolonionchallenge #neverforget

A party for “cranky old pensioners” (because that’s all we need, more old white people in parliament), they only want to make older people better off. So obviously, they’re not going to be getting many votes in the 18–25 age bracket. They want to increase the pension, create health clinics “for the ageing” (not to be pedantic here, but isn't everyone technically ageing all the time? Tidy up your phrasing please), and a bit of other stuff which uses quite a lot of caps-lock on words they think are IMPORTANT.

Vote for them if: You’re old and cranky.

Oh, The Nationals, how fondly I feel about you. I mean, without your level of crazy, we would never have seen moments like these in question time:

I have the sneaking suspicion that he doesn't like carp.

But apart from giving carp herpes, and wanting to kill movie stars’ dogs, what do the Nationals stand for? Well, they do have a page addressing that exactly, but to be honest, it doesn't really matter. Because of their agreement with the Liberal Party, voting for the Nationals is pretty much just voting for the Libs.

Vote for them if: You hate dogs and carp.

If the name seems familiar, it’s probably because you recognise it as the one that appears quite frequently in political stories when they interview random MP’s. I have no idea why, but the media is always interested in Nick Xenophon’s opinion. But now, he has a party (seriously, why is everyone making their own party? Are all their egos that big? What’s wrong with being an independent? GAHH!). All their policy is pretty much what Xenophon has run on the past decade, with stuff on predatory gambling, drug decriminalisation, calling for marriage equality, and other policy which is fairly similar to the Greens, except with a stronger focus on South Australia. However, he does believe in “windfarm syndrome”, (which is total bullshit), which is just…*sigh*. Still, this is definitely a party to watch this election, especially considering he won nearly 25% of the vote in SA last time. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Vote for them if: You’re a South Australian Greens voter who hates wind turbines and pokies.

For a party that’s been around since 1998, I'm a bit surprised that I haven’t heard anything about them before. They pretty much just want legislation that makes equal parenting the first option during divorce proceedings, but I find that a bit worrying. I just see it as another hurdle for anyone trying to flee an abusive relationship and domestic violence, which is a step in the wrong direction. Saying that you have to prove there shouldn't be equal custody will just make people less likely to attempt to get out of the situation, because it becomes too difficult. Plus, equal parenting must be at least considered in the courts already (the party themselves acknowledges this), which I feel is a much better system. You can look at their family law and other policy, but I really can’t get over the uneasy feeling I've got about this party.

Vote for them if: Probably not, hey?

No policy. Nothing. At. All. That is the first thing I should make abundantly clear. Pretty much, all their members would vote according to the results of an online poll, which is open to anyone enrolled to vote with the AEC. There’s just a few problems I see:

There really is nothing stopping someone hacking or hijacking the poll. Sure, they say they've made it difficult, but if someone wants to put in the effort, or another party wants an outcome and mobilises their voting base to flood the poll, they will probably be able to. About 20% of Australians don’t have access to the internet (they inadvertently mention this). Tell me how that’s supposed to be representative? The poll has to get over 100,000 responses, with 70% consensus. That is never, ever, EVER going to happen. So they’re going to be abstaining on a lot of votes in Parliament, and are therefore pretty much the ultimate donkey vote.

It’s all well and good to want a better representation of the will of the people, but this really is not the way to go about it.

Vote for them if: You want a donkey vote that lasts 6 years.

The formal allies of the Liberal Democrats (you know, the freedom lovers), these guys hate the Greens. Like really hate them. As such, all their policy is anti-Green, and wow, is it terrifying. They want 4WD’s to be able to go anywhere they want (including in national parks), all marine parks declared after 1995 to be abolished, gun laws to be relaxed, abolition of anti-hoon laws, and allow native animals to be kept as pets. Now, as much as I love quokkas, I know what a bad, terrible, no good idea it would be to have one as a pet.

Any excuse to put part of my quokka photo collection in this article

They obviously think the environment is just their playground, and stuff anyone who thinks it’s worth protecting. Australia is a bloody beautiful place, and I hope the Australian public does everything they can to stop people like these guys from ruining it.

Vote for them if: You hate Australia.

Oh, Clive Palmer. How you filled my life with so many political memes over the past few years, like this time you lost you mind.

Does he only have a two word vocabulary? I think so.

Or when this happened.

MY EYES, IT BURNS!!

But now, it’s time to say farewell. You’re out of money, nearly out of senators, and you haven’t got a hope in hell in being re-elected. I could go through your policy, but is there really any point? (It also hasn't changed since 2013, and their beliefs are the same as the Liberals, word for word) It’s been nice to get to know you Clive, but I really want someone new, someone who doesn't fall asleep in Parliament. There’s only really one thing left to say.

Vote for them if: Goodbye Clive. Clive, goodbye. Goodbye Clive. Clive, Clive, Clive, goodbye, bye, bye. Goodbye Clive. Clive, goodbye. Goodbye.

My reaction when I found out this party was still around

The far-right party formed in the 90’s that nearly everyone’s heard of. But if there’s anything that’s made me angrier when writing this article, it was reading through this party’s policy. It’s all just garbage far-right rhetoric that completely ignores facts. They want to scrap the renewable energy target, and increase “low cost” power (except renewables have been cheaper than coal AND gas since 2013), call for a Royal Commission into Islam to see if its a “religious or political ideology” (Hint: it’s the first one), looser controls on firearms, and whole other piles of utter bullshit. I'm so done.

Vote for them if: Please, I'm begging you, no.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first: These guys are not actual pirates.

Pictured: Not a member of the Pirate Party

But alas, me hearty’s, there still be some policy to make you happy. The party’s platform is very much evidence based, with 234 references dotted throughout. Their main focus is on civil and digital liberties, as well as copyright laws (hence the “pirate”, as in internet piracy). But they also have policy on drug legalisation, education, climate change, and changes to tax and welfare, among others.

Vote for them if: Ye’re a scurvy internet pirate, arrrrgh.

This party can pretty much be summed up in one photo:

I make no apologies for good puns

Whilst they don’t have policy as such, their constitution outlines the main aims of the party. They want 100% renewable energy by 2050, no more subsidies for fossil fuels, and Constitutional recognition for Indigenous Australians. Hopefully we get all of those things.

Vote for them if: You’re not Tony Abbott.

Now these guys really make my skin crawl. Their leader, Pastor Nalliah, claims to have resurrected 3 people from the dead, and blames the Black Saturday bushfires on Victoria’s abortion laws. Or in other words, he is a complete whackjob. They have lots of terrifyingly bullshit policy, which is anti-Islam, anti-climate change, anti-same-sex marriage, anti-renewables, and is just so bigoted that I'm pretty sure all their members must all be called Bill.

NO, IT’S NOT BEST TO HEAR THEM OUT!

Vote for them if: DON’T YOU BLOODY DARE.

I love science. Being able to figure out how the world works through testing, and being able to change your views in the face of new evidence, is an amazing concept (which some political parties would benefit listening to). And it turns out there’s a whole political party that agrees with me. They have a significant amount of policy, over most important areas. They push for a treaty with Indigenous Australians, drug decriminalisation, legalisation of driverless cars, NBN to be fibre to the premises, the creation of a charter city called Turing between Sydney and Canberra (to be a high density, university town), and the creation of an Australian space agency.

Why haven’t we done this before now?

Vote for them if: You fucking love science.

This party really just wants to see greater separation between religion and state. They want to see comparative religious and ethics education in all schools, removal of tax exemptions for religious groups, getting rid of references to any deity in oaths, banning identity hiding garments (like the burka) in public places (which is too much guys, settle down), and abolishing blasphemy laws (which we apparently still have in Australia. Who knew?). They also support a republic, same-sex marriage, renewables, and oppose our current treatment of asylum seekers. But mostly, they’d like to see a lot less religion in politics, and a lot more rational thought.

Vote for them if: You like the idea of separation of church and state.

Yay, another old person’s party! One that has like, no policy, and all of the members running are old white men, which is a group we have more than enough of in parliament.

So much diversity.

The policy they do have is all about old people, like an inquiry into retirement villages, and the introduction of something to do with palliative care, but to be honest, I don’t really care that much at all. It’s all a bit meh.

Vote for them if: Meh.

Another stupid party that doesn't understand how facts, or the world, work. Unsurprisingly, they stand for fairly similar principles to the Outdoor Recreation Party, so they’re just as bad. In their policy document, they outline how they want to stop subsidies to renewables (on the false proviso that they’re more expensive), they don’t want any carbon or mining taxes, because human-caused climate change is supposedly a lie (IT’S BLOODY WELL NOT, I’VE ALREADY GONE THROUGH THIS ARGH), they think recreational fishing in marine reserves doesn't pose a threat to biodiversity (maybe not on an individual scale, but when you multiply that 10’s or 100’s of times, it does), and they want the stringent firearms laws introduced after Port Arthur to be abolished (are you forgetting that we haven’t had a mass shooting since, and gun deaths have steadily reduced? Oh sorry, I didn't see that you were being distracted by conspiracy theories). My final words to this party: Stop being so bloody selfish.

Vote for them if: You’re a selfish prick.

I'm fairly sure these guys a front for the tobacco industry. I have no evidence for that claim, but when their only policies include reducing the tobacco tax, removing bans on smoking on private property, and getting rid of plain packaging, you have to admit that there are very similar interests between the two. They also don’t give any mention to the idea of reducing smoking rates, which makes me think they want more smokers. Ergo, potentially a front.

Vote for them if: You've got a ciggy butt brain.

Best part of writing this article: Finding random catchy songs

The first of the overtly socialist parties, so it’s time to break out the Sassy Socialist Memes.

#zinger

Now I’m going to be completely honest. I don’t think socialism works. Neither in the real world, nor really on paper (it involves giving all the power to a small group of people. Call me cynical (or realistic), but the old nugget “absolute power corrupts absolutely” definitely holds true). In saying that, there is a lot of socialist policy that can create benefits to society. Speaking of lots of policy, oh my god these guys have sooo much, a lot of which is really specific, some of which maybe goes a bit too far. Calling for an end to mandatory refugee detention: good. Legalising people smuggling: probably not a good idea. Prioritising public transport in cities is great. But making it free means there’s a greater cost to governments, so they might not have as much capital, or incentive, to improve it (something like Adelaide’s flat fare system creates similar equality without this loss of capital). These guys also call for equal rights for LGBTQI people, more renewables, drug reform, and the other usual progressive policies, which is fairly unsurprising.

Vote for them if: You stop people on the street to tell them about socialism.

More memes!

Well that got dark quickly

This party doesn't really have policy as such (they have a program of their aims, which gives no specifics) , but what they really want the socialist uprising (their statement of principles mentions “revolution” 43 times), and their “strategic aim” is to prepare the working class for the revolutionary struggle against capitalism. They explicitly state they don’t want to reform capitalism; they want to overthrow it. Now, I’d hate to burst this party’s bubble, but nearly every revolution that has ever occurred has lead to the deaths of hundreds, thousands, and even millions of people (the Russian Revolution you put in such high esteem killed around 3 million people). Push for equality in society, advocate for change, that’s fine. But calling for an all-out revolution is a step too far.

Vote for them if: You don’t live in the real world.

This party love the arts. Most of their policy is about making improvements to the arts in Australia, like creating tax incentives for organisations to invest in the arts, adding arts to the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Maths) education prioritisation (because arts and science are so related), and improving arts funding in general. They also have a lot of non-arts policy, like creating an Australian space agency (I’ll admit, seeing that was a bit of a curveball. A nice curveball), and quite a bit of social justice policy. However, their aim of 1 million votes is probably a little too ambitious, but hey, they can dream.

Vote for them if: You’re an arteest

This elephant draws better than me.

Considering nearly 50% of Australians will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives, it’s good to see a group trying to represent their needs. All their policy is about addressing the problems currently facing mental health care, like increasing access to mental health services, working to reduce suicide rates, increase government funding, and a bunch of other stuff which will help to improve Australia’s mental health. And that’s all there really is to say.

Vote for them if: You think the government isn't doing enough to improve mental health.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with a mental illness, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Another party that focuses on a single issue, their only aim is to introduce legislation on that allows voluntary assisted dying, as well as improving palliative care. There would be safeguards in place, and considering that (according to them) over 80% of Australia is in favour of this type of reform, I wouldn't be surprised if this legislation gets passed, with or without this party, in the next few years.

Vote for them if: You don’t want people to suffer in their last few days of life.

*Sigh*, a political party whose name is a website. It’s just like having a hashtag in your name — not exactly filling me with trust in your judgement. But this party is virtually (get it?) identical to Online Direct Democract in terms of platform. Using blockchain technology (read: stuff used in Bitcoin), they want registered members to be able to tell representatives which way to vote. However, their vote-swapping system feels as though it could be manipulated by someone if they wanted to, which sort of goes against the entire point of this system in the first place.

Vote for them if: You’re a Bitcoin baron(ness)