VICTIMS of crime are being encouraged to solve it themselves so that officers can concentrate on paperwork and walking their Alsatians.

A police spokesman said: ”Even polishing the shiny bits on our helmets takes six hours a day. If you’ve had some stuff nicked, we strongly recommend not calling us, unless you are a woman with nice hair.”

Police guidelines for solving a crime yourself

Make a list of suspects. It should include all of your family, neighbours and anyone with a limp. Work out which person is least likely to have done the crime. They did it.

Invite the culprit round for a cup of tea, then ask them to look at some antique clocks in your cupboard. Lock them in the cupboard, and say you will not let them out until you have extracted a confession, even if they want the toilet.

After they confess, do not let them out.

With the criminal still in the cupboard put on a smoking jacket and gather your social circle in the living room. Standing with a foot on the fireplace, go round the room suggesting why each of them might have done it. After a long pause, explain that Granny Pat is not the kindly 86-year-old you all thought she was, which is why you have locked her in the cupboard. (This part is mostly for effect and can be skipped.)

Call the police and remove Granny Pat from the cupboard, ensuring she is hydrated but not too hydrated before handing her to officers.

Afterwards, make a list of any evidence that may work against Granny Pat’s conviction. Go to her house and destroy it. Also feel free to take any money you find – she won’t need it where she’s going.

Crime solved. Feel free to solve any more crimes you may be interested in, but contact the police before shooting anyone.