I have some great friends and a wonderful family. I work in a law office with pretty nice people. But at the same time, there are tons of assholes in the world. Seriously, there are people out there that as soon as I hear their voice, my hand is clenching into a fist so I can punch them in the throat. Some of them I know personally and some I’m just blessed to cross paths with in society. Let’s take a gander at these very special individuals.

The Corrector

This is the person who thinks you are too dumb to dress yourself in the morning, much less get through your day without their infinite expertise. You don’t ask for their opinions or direction, you just get it. Like a backseat driver who follows you around all day. “I wouldn’t wash my hands like that. Scrub in circles. Not back and forth.” or “You’ll slit your gut open if you use your scissors that way.” or “You should staple on top. Not on the side.” or “Here let me show you how wipe your ass the right way. You’re going to get skid marks.” Dude! Back off. I did not live to the ripe old age of thirty-mumble without learning how to use scissors and wipe my ass! I got this. Just because I don’t do something your way, doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong. And even if I am, unless you are my mother, it’s not your job to correct me. Let me stab myself a couple of times. I’ll learn.

(Hold on. I gotta get the extra cake crumbs off this thing.)

The I’ve Had Every Illness on God’s Green Earth and I’ve Had it Worse Than Everyone Guy

You know this guy. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong with you or anyone else on the planet. He’s had it. Probably twice. And he’s had it worse. You sadly say, “My friend has breast cancer.” He says, “Yeah, I had that. In both breasts. They had to operate 4 times. It took me 19 months to fully recover. I also had arthritis in my spine, juvenile diabetes, 2 hysterical pregnancies and hemorrhoids. But I’m ok now. Except for my sinus infection and the Bell’s palsy. And I’ve still got the hemorrhoids.” You’ve got to be freaking kidding me! And he’s lived through this? Someone needs to take some of his super high immunity blood, spin the shit out of it in some science machine and sell it to the rest of us. Then of course, he could go on complaining about the blood loss and how it made him weak and he fell down and got a concussion and a face infection from falling on the dirty floor. God, I hate this guy.

(Great. Now I have Christa’s foot up my ass, too!)

The Lazy Ass

We’re all lazy sometimes. But this is the person who is constantly lazy and thinks it’s the job of the rest of us to pick up after him. He leaves shopping carts in the middle of a parking space because it’s just too much effort to walk the damn thing 20 steps to the cart corral. He parks over the line because it would take too much of his precious time to straighten up his pitiful park job. He will leave trash on the table when there is a trash can right under the table he is trashing! OMG. Were you raised in a barn? Throw out your damn trash! This is the same friend who comes to your house repeatedly to partake of your edibles and drinkables and then leave empty cups on the couch. He knows full well where the trash can is. He’s only been to your house 537 times before. And he never replaces toilet paper either. Or ice. Or whatever the hell else he uses the last of. This happens at all kinds of places. And it’s fucking annoying. Your hands did not fall off, man. Your momma doesn’t work here. What are you saving all that energy for? Fighting me off when I kick your ass for leaving ¼ cup of coffee in the pot?

(Meh. Somebody will call 911. I gotta find my pants.)

The Guy Who Thinks He’s Funny but He’s Not

This guy will spend ten minutes telling you a very long and unfunny “joke” and then will be laughing at himself so hard he doesn’t realize no one else is laughing. Because he’s not funny. Now you may say “Um, Christa. You think you’re hilarious and, well, (trail off)…” But (a) I really am hilarious. and (b) This is my blog so I can do what I want. This guy makes stupid and obvious observations and bad imitations of real funny people. “Dude! Check out my Seinfeld. What’s the deal…with bananas?” Ugh. Just die already. He’s the guy who says, every time you have a stomach ache, “Ooooo, morning sickness. Someone’s knocked up.” No, asswipe, I’m just hung over. Or if you’re out of work sick, “How was Disneyland, faker? Heh-heh.” Look jerk, you’re not funny. I was out for a doctor’s appointment for my very painful ovarian cysts. Ask Larry from my previous entry. He’s knows all about it since he’s had them himself since he was 5.

(My mom says I’m cool.)

The Turtle

This person is the slowest human being on earth and she is always right in front of you. Whether you’re walking, driving, riding a bike or trying to swim to China, this bitch is in the way. She apparently has eyes in the back of her head and will be able to move to counter attack any idea you had of going around her. And if you’re super lucky, she and 3 of her turtle friends will be walking abreast so you can’t get past all of them. She’ll change lanes in front of you six times just to make sure you’re late. She’s the same idiot who has to count out exact change in pennies that she has to dig out of the bottom of her ginormous purse when you’re in a rush at the store holding an ice cold mini-keg and two boxes of popsicles and you are literally freezing your nipples off. (That was a long sentence.) For the love of God Methuselah’s mother, just give the cashier another damn dollar! Then she’ll give you change and you’ll have more pennies to annoy someone else with later. Just freaking get on with it! You’re 132 years old and have 20 minutes left to live and you want to spend it counting pennies?! And you know if you smack her in the back of the head, she’ll drop all those pennies and start over.

(Turtle: 56…57…57…wait, did I say 57 twice? I have to start over. Me: DAMMIT!)

Now of course, there are tons more annoying people I could talk about. 40 year old couples who all but dry hump each other in public, strangers who think they have a right to touch you, people who eat off your plate/bowl/snack without asking, people who don’t think I’m funny-the list goes on and on. But this is a good start. Who irritates the hell out of you? Leave a comment below.