Despite repeated warnings from Scipio and the like that we shouldn't put all of our emotional eggs in the Nick Saban basket, here we are, a ravaged omelette of sadness and rejection. What went wrong? How close did we get? WHY CAN'T HE FEEL REAL HUMAN LOVE IN HIS HEART?

In an effort to bring closure to this difficult period, the Barking Carnival I-Team has worked tirelessly to obtain a detailed accounting of Texas' courting of Saban. Without divulging the particulars, we are pleased to report that we have – at great personal and moral expense – obtained EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE of the actual negotiations…

Oh, you son of a bitch.