In these hard economic times, there is little I won’t do to try to make a few free beers. I’m still pretty new here at the Discord, but despite their bulging pockets full of dough, they have yet to sent me a single royalty check. I heard Zano is taking his family to Costa Rica with his last one and Winslow just bought his sixth house.

So what sort of scam do I get to try to pull off? Let me try to quote this one, “if you can get The Daily Discord set up on Twitter and get us a bunch of followers, we’ll buy you a beer.”

Being the inventive (greedy) thinker I am, I quickly ask, “Well, if I get more followers, will I get more beer?”

I received a hesitant ‘yes’ and thinking of all those following free suds, I immediately got to work. Now, I’m not sure how much all of the millions of people that are reading this know about Twitter, but it is its own beast. On both My Space and Face Book, accepting a ‘friend’ is a mutual exchange. You can ask to befriend a thousand people, but won’t get a single bite unless they agree or you look like Jessica Alba.

On Twitter, things are different. They don’t have friends, they have followers, and I think this is mostly because of their cult background. Don’t drink the cool aid. So in theory, it is sort of like a high school popularity contest a week before Valentines Day. You go around ‘following’ others on the slim hope that they might think you are cool enough to return the favor.

But I was already an expert at Twitter cuz, you now; I’d been on there for a whole six months now. At first I scuffed. People at the Discord were posting things even when they had no followers, (pretty much like this article) so I stepped in and started ‘following’ others like crazy. Before you knew it The Daily Discord was on the books, we were somebody, and more importantly I got like two free beers!

This was great. Things were rolling. I was drinking for free, but like the greedy bastard I am, this wasn’t enough. What if I could get them a100 followers, hundreds, maybe a thousand!!! I could be drinking free all the time. I would have reached a Pale Ale Nirvana. I could quit my day job. I could get my cell phone turned back on.

So after ingesting those precious free beers, (and maybe a few more of my own once I got home) I began to hit the streets of Twitter knocking on more doors than a Jehovah’s Witness with a meth habit.

The numbers were flying by. I couldn’t even keep up with how many people The Daily Discord was following. We were going to be so popular, everyone would be hearing our profound wisdom; I was going to be drinking so much beer!

I didn’t even look at how many followers I might have gained for the Discord, I wanted to be as surprised as everyone else. I just hoped Zano had brought his credit cards because, shoot, I might be getting some chicken wings too. I then proudly opened up my laptop and much to my dismay. That damn cult had taken a big Twit on my hopes and dreams. Yes Twitter had closed our account.

Now, I know you my say that they thought we were porn producers or spam artists, but I’m not buying it. They saw our site and want to suppress the truth. The truth as only we dare to print. Well, we aren’t got to put up with this twit; we are fighting back. Yes, The Daily Discord intends to sue Twitter to the fullest extent of the law.

So early next week we will be filing claims in federal district court for breach of contract, violation of free speech, violation of due process, defamation of character, and anything else our clever lawyers can come up with; hell I might even throw in an interference with contract claim on my own behalf because they prevented me from getting my free beer. Those bastards will be reeling when they get served with the papers. I’m guessing we’ll be asking for about $100 million dollars, maybe more.

So you had better watch out Twitter. We don’t have to put up with this and your days are numbered. No one keeps me from getting twit-faced.

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