If your birthday is this week: You will wake up and realize that someone has peed your pants.

Aries: The stars say stop bugging them. They can’t tell the future. They’re just burning balls of plasma for Christ’s sake.

Taurus: This week, you manage to complete vampire-proof your house. Unfortunately, the vampires have some banker friends and they foreclose on you.

Gemini: Remember those weird birds from the Dark Crystal? You’ll find one of their beaks in your General Tso’s Chicken.

Lemini: Wearing a suit to the Occupy Wall Street protest saves you from getting pepper sprayed by the cops, but not by getting patchouli sprayed by hippies.

Cancer: You will get a sensual back massage from Joe Biden.

Leo: You will go to shake up the salad dressing and realize you left the top on loosely. You’ll hose down half your dining room table with Kraft Thousand Island.

Virgo: Your day out to go apple picking turns into a shoot out at a meth lab. Next time, hit up Wikipedia about apple picking. You’re obviously doing it wrong.

Libra: You will find your glove compartment full of Jello.

Scorpio: You’ll pass out during the orgy and dream of lying in bed alone.

Sagittarius: The stars say, your garbage men will sing in four part harmony as they take away your trash. They still won’t help separate your recyclables though.

Capricorn: This week, the medical experiment you’re participating in goes into a lockdown quarantine just in time for a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC!

Aquarius: You’re not paranoid, the crickets are plotting against you, but they’re still just crickets, dumbass.

Pisces: You’ll take your revenge, but did you really want the last slice of pizza that badly?