Everyone loves telling the story of their own engagement.

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In my case, I was sitting in the tiny garden of my tiny flat at 2AM. My boyfriend and I were drinking wine and chatting, and out of nowhere he said ‘marry me’.

I said ‘Oh f*ck.’

The next day I rolled over, realised what had happened and asked my boyfriend if he had meant it.

‘Of course I did’ he told me. ‘I should probably ring your dad.’

‘You didn’t ask him first?’ I asked him.

‘Of course not. I’m not marrying your dad. But it might be nice to get his blessing?’

That’s when there was no doubt in my mind that he was the right person to marry.

Some people show off about the fact their fiancé chose the ring on their own, or that they threw a romantic surprise party.

I brag that my man knew I’d be sick in my mouth if I thought he’d asked my dad before he’d asked me.

Why?

Well to start with, asking for a dad’s permission got a massive historical problem behind it.

There was a time when getting married wasn’t a choice that women made on the basis of who they wanted or loved.

Women were property to be traded for the advancement of a family or for financial gain. That’s where asking for permission comes from.

The tradition of asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage goes back to the idea that a woman is owned by her father until she is owned by her husband.

I love my dad, he’s a truly wonderful man. But he doesn’t own me, and who I marry isn’t his choice, it’s mine. I value his opinion, but it’s just an opinion.

Asking my dad for permission to marry me would have been toeing that ancient line, following a rule that’s as outdated at doubloons and jerkins. You might as well discuss dowries or numbers of sheep and goats at that point.

You might think it’s just a nice tradition that started a long time ago but isn’t sexist anymore. But you’d be wrong.

If this concept moved with the times then at the very least it would be a case of asking both of your parents. Not just your dad. But somehow two parents can raise a child together and it’s still only the dad who gets asked. How is that right or fair?

The idea of my parents knowing before I did that something major is going to happen in my life? Weird.

Infantalising, even. I’m a grown-up. I can make my own choices.

The last time I want my parents to have been involved in a major choice that I had no part in was my conception.

I wouldn’t let a new boss ring my dad and ask him if I could work at the company or expect a new landlord to ring my father and chat about if I could rent a flat. So why on earth would I want my parents’ ‘permission’ here?

When the tradition of asking the father started, women got married much younger.

A man would often be asking for a teenager’s hand in marriage. She would never have lived away from home, been to school or experienced any kind of independence.

But these days? By the time we get engaged most of us have moved out, bought or rented property, held down a job, taken home a pay cheque and functioned as an independent entity.

At that stage in your life, you don’t need your parents to be involved in the decision-making process.

I’ve heard people claim that it’s ‘just about respect’. Which is true. It is an issue of respect. In asking a father before you ask the daughter you are placing your respect for him and his opinion above your respect for her and her opinion.

You are implying that his consent to the marriage is the primary limiting factor.

Sorry, but I don’t want to have a marriage with someone who thinks that my dad’s opinion is more important than mine.

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