You're going to have to put up with our utter shite reporting for a while longer now, as news has trickled through that a man has been charged with a crime for ferociously pooing on a child at Glastonbury.

27 year old Chas Cox's bowels exploded, hitting the pavement and spraying on a child standing within the area in one foul swoop.

Prosecutor Christine Hart has alleged that the defendant wason a zebra crossing followed by a mother and her five year old child. “When he got to the other side he was said to have dropped his trousers and defecated and the child was caught in the backsplash,” she said.

Cox’s trial begins on August 7th and claims that his only option was to go in the street.