Man Begs Internet To Stop Making Him Defend Trump

MARYSVILLE, OH—Local man Dennis Pavone is a middle-of-the-road conservative. He's not crazy about President Donald Trump yet finds himself constantly being forced to defend the man against ever more deranged attacks from both the left and the Never Trump right.

Pavone says he's always getting dragged into arguments where the accusations leveled against Trump are so outlandish that he's forced to take the president's side.

"OK, I'm really not a big Trump fan, so please stop making me defend him, you psychos," he wrote in a recent Twitter thread after a progressive accused Trump of forcing a couple to drink aquarium cleaner. "Seriously, how insane do you people have to be to make me side with Trump every time? I didn't even vote for him!"

Recent social media posts saying Trump will be responsible for millions of coronavirus deaths have only exacerbated Pavone's dilemma, as he's not a Trump guy but can't bring himself to be as unhinged as those who oppose Trump. The media's constant distorted reporting of everything Trump says and does also puts Pavone in "a real pickle," as he has to pick between condoning wild-eyed conspiracy theories about the president and begrudgingly supporting the man pretty often.

"Stop putting me in this position, guys!"

If this keeps up, Pavone says he may just resign himself to becoming a Trump supporter. "He's the worst option except for everyone else."

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