Spectral Shadows

Serial No. 1

Children of the Ommadawn

Episode No. 5

Candice

As had happened before, Jonathan, Raelian and Clarice put the events of the storm and the strange encounter with The Selgabunny Clan behind them, returning to their normal lives as happy playful children.

Soon they met other fawns who became their regular playmates.

There were Lisa and Donna, the twin daughters of Marria Fallowdeer.

Marria was a good friend of Praline’s who shared Praline’s enthusiasm for the Omman philosophies. She was endeavoring to raise her children in the same manner as Praline. However, Marria was more of a fanatic than someone who had any kind of true understanding of how to put those philosophies into practice. So her approach to bringing up her children was somewhat different, and not nearly as effective.

The Fallowdeer were a common deer family. They did not have a long recorded history of lineage that could be traced back as far as the birth of the forest like the Ommandeer had. Thus they did not enjoy any kind of affluence or respect in Shinrin society. Marria looked on her religion as something that helped elevate her status. She felt that by being a close friend of the Omman priestess she could hold her head up just a little higher than some other does.

Praline was well aware of this and did not approve. But she knew Marria was not capable of the kind of faith needed to be a true Omman practitioner, and so did not venture to deflate her. If her illusions gave her comfort Praline would not deny them to her, as she was rather fond of her friend, even if she was not everything she thought herself to be.

Both Lisa and Donna were physically more attractive than Clarice. They also had better manners and more pleasant attitudes. They loved Jonathan and Raelian, but were not possessive of them the way Clarice was.

Clarice remained ever insecure and disliked the idea that someday Jonathan and Raelian might take Lisa and Donna for their life mates, leaving Clarice out in the cold. But Lisa and Donna were not inclined to think that far ahead and were mystified by the way Clarice seemed to feel herself in constant competition with them.

It didn’t help matters that Jonathan and Raelian could swap religious dialogue with the twin does, nor that all 4 of them displayed a level of class and sophistication that made Clarice feel quite common and doomed to eventually be left behind. But no matter how Clarice begged her mother for cultural training, Candice remained emphatic that Clarice would ultimately be better off without it.

Another two fawns who joined the group were Suzi and Bramwell, the natural children of a doe called Adorra Andreia.

Adorra had no real interest in religious or philosophical ideas, and her lineage went back no further than her own memory. Thus her social status was equivalent to that of a peasant in Shinrin aristocracy. But this in no way concerned Adorra. What energies she did not waste on lofty ideals, magic and social status allowed her all the more freedom to concentrate on her children.

Loving and caring for children was the closest thing Adorra had to a religion – not only for her own children, but any other children she might find in need. And Praline liked Adorra because she found Adorra’s obsession with giving love to children most honorable.

Thus it was not surprising that, when Adorra had encountered an abandoned fawn named Beau, she had adopted him, and was now raising him as a brother to Suzi and Bramwell. And thus Beau had also come to be a member of the group.

The only philosophical training Adorra’s children were getting was what they could acquire from friends outside their immediate family. This was one of the reasons Adorra liked to be close to Praline. She had no way of providing such advantages, so she stayed close to the priestess, hoping she would be a good influence on her children.

Yet Adorra put no pressure on her children to follow either in her footsteps or Praline’s. She believed the kindest and most loving way to raise children was to let them know their options and allow them to choose their own path.

However, Suzi and Bramwell did not reflect their mother’s kindly nature. They took advantage of their mother’s willingness to let them make their own choices – always choosing the most selfish course of action they could think of.

They were growing up wild and rambunctious. They cheated at games, and Suzi tended to cry a lot when she didn’t get her way. Meanwhile, Bramwell enjoyed playing the bully when his ideas were opposed, and would attempt to inspire fear with his unusual size. Though he was more overweight than he was exceptionally strong. And if ever Jonathan or Raelian had been inclined to do so they could have beaten him up quite easily. Needless to say he was anything but their favorite playmate.

Beau, on the other hand, was a very self-conscious little buck who was very inclined to do anything that would please his friends. There was a shyness and insecurity about him, resulting from his being abandoned.

Beau did not know the reasons why he had been abandoned. So he feared that he had in some way displeased his original parents, and he was determined that his new mother should never look on him with displeasure for any reason. Thus he actively sought to better himself so that his adopted mother would be proud of him. And what better way to improve himself than by becoming best friends with the sons of the highly respected priestess and sharing their lofty ambitions?

Still, though Beau was pleasant and kind like Adorra, the trauma of being abandoned had left a deep emotional scar on him. And he was sometimes subject to spells of melancholy. He was half mystified and half embittered at the awareness that his birth mother had left him to die. He longed to know what offence he had given, or what had been so wrong with him that the doe who gave him life had thought him unworthy of the gift.

He vowed that someday he would solve this mystery, but for now he had resolved to set it aside, lest his obsession with it interfere with the happiness he’d found in his new home. Though that too had its limits since Suzi and Bramwell had never really accepted him as a brother. And any time there was a disagreement between them, they were quick to remind him that he was an outsider.

Jonathan developed an immediate liking for Beau. They liked the same kinds of games, and they shared many similar attitudes about honor and fairness.

Jonathan would sit still for no oppression of such a noble spirit. Bramwell could not intimidate Jonathan the way he could Beau. So if Bramwell was ever heard to put Beau down, Jonathan would stand at Beau’s side and ask Bramwell if he wanted to try saying something like that to him.

Bramwell didn’t like this at all. Jonathan was too strong and sure of himself to be bullied. So Bramwell often liked to try taking his frustrations out on Raelian, who seemed to lack the more aggressive abilities of his more active brother.

It was not that there was anything wrong with Raelian. He simply didn’t have a great liking for strenuous activities and games. Usually only the little does would abstain from these, as they were too delicate for such roughhousing.

So Raelian was often seen on the sidelines with the does, which was apparently something he felt quite comfortable with. And the little does were quite happy about this, as they enjoyed Raelian’s company. They were attracted to his gentility and the friendly vibrations that seemed to surround him. Though they did tend to think he was a little weird at times, especially when he would speak of his dreams. Still, they did not want to hurt his feelings. So they would listen to him and pretend to understand.

Yet, there was one thing about Raelian that the does understood very well. And that was that he loved them in a way that the other little bucks did not. His concept of love was very deep and extreme. He gave love away freely to everyone – even to Bramwell who often made fun of him.

This aspect of Raelian’s personality made him very attractive to the innocent young does, and they loved him in return, in spite of his apparent lunacy. And also in spite of the tendency he had picked up from his mother of peppering his dialogue with words from The Old Language, which the other children didn’t understand.

One day, as Praline and Candice watched the children playing from a distance, they conversed casually. Something they had not had a chance to do for quite some time, as Candice and Praline now led very different kinds of lives with different social circles.

“Clarè-chan seems very nice,” said Praline.

“Thank you,” said Candice. “Your sons are very nice, too.”

“I was really surprised to see you had another fawn,” said Praline. “I thought you’d made up your mind not to have any more children.”

“I didn’t want to,” said Candice. “But I found out I didn’t have a whole lot of choice in the matter. The males of our tribe aren’t exactly prone to respect a doe’s wishes in such things, are they?”

“I guess not,” said Praline, shyly. “But I don’t really know that much about it. I didn’t really mate with a deer of our tribe.”

Candice looked at Praline strangely, and said, “I beg your pardon. Who else could you have mated with?”

“Please don’t ask,” said Praline. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. And I don’t want to have to deal with the disbelief of others. Not on something that was such a beautiful experience for me.”

“Sounds like something I don’t want to hear, anyway,” said Candice. “But I have to admit, I rather enjoyed my experience, too. Even though I’d really rather it hadn’t happened. I’m just not cut out to be a mother. Clarice is always so unhappy with me. If she turns out like the last one it will be all my fault.”

“What happened before was not your fault,” Praline assured her. “You can be a good mother to Clarè-chan.”

“Why do you say her name with such affection?” asked Candice.

“She’s my little niece. I love her,” said Praline. “And my fawns love her, too.”

“You’d have a hard time convincing her of that,” said Candice. “All she’s done is complain since Marria’s twins joined their group. She’s so sure Jon and Rael love them more than her. So she keeps asking me to teach her things to help her compete with them. But I can’t teach her what I don’t know.”

“So you want me to teach her?” asked Praline. “Is that why you keep leaving her with me?”

“I leave her with you because I’m busy,” said Candice. “I’m not the kind of doe who can put her fawns first the way you do. I have a life mate I want to be with. Clarice is terrified of him. And he has no patience for the child. It’s better if I leave her with you.”

“Candi, you do love her, don’t you?” asked Praline.

“Of course I do,” said Candice. “If I didn’t love her I wouldn’t leave her with you and risk having to hear her tell me all about your stories and your magical powers. She doesn’t understand how it bothers me to hear about such things. It’s all I can do to shield her from my memories.”

“Your memories of Nicolas?” asked Praline.

“Please, let’s not go there,” said Candice.

“I can’t believe you haven’t healed after so much time,” said Praline.

“Wounds like mine never heal,” said Candice. “Do you think I’m passing them on to Clarice?”

“Yes,” Praline admitted. “I’m afraid so. She often says things that disturb me.”

As Praline watched, Candice closed her eyes, and a tear rolled down her face.

“Praline,” said Candice sadly. “If I should start to disappear for longer periods of time, would you mind looking after Clarice?”

“You’re not thinking of abandoning her, are you?” asked Praline.

“If I knew you’d adopt her and take better care of her, would that be such a bad thing?” asked Candice.

“It would be a trauma Clarice would never get over,” said Praline. “Abandoned fawns always feel like they did something wrong. And Clarice is insecure enough as it is.”

“No matter what I do I’m going to end up hurting that child,” said Candice, sadly. “She’s going to end up just like Nicolas. I know it. Why does nature insist on giving me these responsibilities?”

“Look, there’s no way what happened to Nicolas is going to happen to Clarice,” Praline assured her. “What happened to Nicolas was not any of your doing. Our children must eventually choose their own paths. And Nicolas made a bad choice. But it wasn’t something you told him to do.”

“I don’t see it that way,” said Candice. “I tried to raise him in our family’s teachings, even though I didn’t really understand them. That made him the way he was. And that was why he made the choices he did. So now I’ve tried to raise Clarice without those teachings. I thought she would become wild, free and happy without them. Instead she’s turning into a neurotic bundle of insecurities. I’m just a total failure as a mother.”

Candice looked at Praline, expecting her to say something contrary to what she had just said, but Praline stayed quiet.

“Aren’t you going to tell me I’m wrong?” asked Candice. “Aren’t you going to try to give me hope?”

“For Clarice’s sake I can’t,” said Praline. “You sincerely believe those things about yourself. And by believing them you make them true.”

“I curse your honesty, Praline,” said Candice. “But you’ve made up my mind for me. I am going to abandon her to you. Not right away. But I’ll stay away for longer and longer periods of time, until eventually I won’t come back at all.”

“And what will you do with your next child?” asked Praline.

“There will never be another child for me,” said Candice. “I plan to be very careless and get myself killed before the next mating season.”

Praline was grievously shocked.

“Oh, my dear sister,” said Praline, compassionately. “Are you really in so much pain?”

“It never goes away,” said Candice. “Even you can’t make it go away. If even you can’t heal me what hope is there?”

“Does your life mate know about this?” asked Praline.

“Of course not,” said Candice. “See how evil I am. I let the poor fool go on thinking he’s got a future with me. It’s my revenge for him making me have Clarice.”

“No wonder Clarice is becoming neurotic if you share vibes like that with her,” said Praline.

“I know, she’ll be so much better off away from me,” said Candice. “You’re not going to try to talk me out of my suicide at all, are you?”

“You’re my older sister,” said Praline, at a loss. “Is it really my place to tell you not to throw your life away? No matter how much I’ll miss you when you’re gone.”

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