By MargOH! Channing

The Inner Glow of Wendy Ho

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bL-iWz2VhTw[/youtube]

The Inner Glow of Wendy Ho

Damn it’s cold out here! I screamed at myself in my own head. Starting to think that waiting in line for bootleg Oprah tickets was a bad idea on a cold Chicago winters day after all. I just kept saying it’s Oprah’s final season, It’s Oprah’s final season, It’s Oprah’s final season…Still cold…Little did I know It was going to get hot…

******

A beautiful white stretch limousine screeched to the curb with a sign on it that read Vegas or bust. Loud enough for everyone to turn around and take notice. Someone shouted “It’s Oprah” and the line cleared as everyone ran toward the car. I of course stepped over the tents and lawn chairs and made my way to the front of the line, sweet!

As the door of the limo opened I could see a red patent leather wedged boot hit the ground. Then a mile high blonde afro and some massive gold hoop earrings. As the crowd parted in amazement I yelled “OH! my god it’s Wendy Ho”. I tucked my purse tight to my body and made my way towards her pushing everyone aside.

“Wendy Girl I would have thought you’d be in a stretch hummer?”

“Hey MargOH! Honey! Ew. I hate hummers—a hummer of any kind just represent the ultimate in douchebaggery. Gimme a stretch, honey!’”

“You’re right, a hummer is a bit tacky, we’ll leave those to J-Lo”, I laughingly replied “but I still like the other kind of hummer” with a wink

“Come with me quick, I’m up front in line now, they thought you were Oprah”

“Shit really? Wendy roared with laughter

“I love your latest video and song about Oprah, it’s fabulous, is she your soul mate?”

“Oprah is like a modern day Virgin Mary to me. I wouldn’t call her a soul mate . I would just call her a beacon! I just love her and attend her church on the regular.”

“Yes, Oprah has been a guiding force for me at times Wendy, liquid diets, shake diets, meat diet. You name the diet I tried it!”

“You’re crazy MargOH!”, Wendy said

“I know! Standing out here in the cold! I hope I can get a ticket to the final favorite things”, grabbing onto Wendy for warmth from her faux fur lined puffy jacket.

“What would you do for tickets for the final taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show?” I added

“Honey, I would eat her and Gayle out until climax!!!!”

“I‘d only finger her but to each his own honey”, I replied

“I haven’t seen you in ages, I think since we performed at the Gay Life expo in New York”

“That’s right, I couldn’t remember where we’d met?”

I gotta tell you Wendy I was a little disappointed when you moved to LA. Do you prefer NYC or LA? Which city has bigger “Ho’s”?

“I will always love New York. She’ll always be my first wife, but after nine years of them cold-ass winters, carting my costumes on subways and livin’ in tiny apartments with friends I was ready for some space. Plus I got engaged to a man who lives in LA. To sum it up I moved to L.A. for six inches of throbbing man meat, honey! Every other way I go I see the same hoes, honey. They’re everywhere. “

“OH! I wish I still was. I was such a big slut and slept with many many men but at 62 I don’t have the same drive. Can you teach me to reconnect with my inner “Ho?”

“Oh yes! No matter how old you may be, your inner ho is always there waiting to awaken, waiting to receive pleasure, riches, applause, LOVE. Light some candles and draw yourself a bubble bath. Put on the “Fuck Me” song and lay in that tub and belt it out!!! If you feel so inclined to reach down and touch it, do it! Love yourself up as much as you can!!! “

“I do have a hotel room here in Chicago Wendy” I winked

“Girl you crazy” laughing and dangling her engagement ring in my face… “It’s freezing out here; it wasn’t this cold in Vegas”.

“You were just in Las Vegas, was the Vegas ready for Wendy Ho?”

Vegas is gross! I mean, I know it’s as American as overeating and drinking margaritas out of yard glasses. I have to admit! I really hate it! But alas, my act IS perfect for Sin City! I think I’ll find myself performing there again. If I can avoid it, I will.

“Really, I guess it’s a glitzy mess, I’m thirsty you want a tipple. I have some gin and cranberry juice or a bottle of colt 45?”

“Gin and Juice, gurl!!! Give me that flask. That’s a nice purse MargOH!” Wendy added as she downed some of my booze

Laughing loudly I said “I first learned of the “Ho” when I saw your video for “I Stole your Purse”. How many purses have you stolen?”

Oh lord! I can’t answer that, gurl. Dat’s like askin how many drops of rain is in the ocean. How many weight watchers points does Kirstie Alley eat in a day? The answer is: a lot. Fortunately I have been rehabilitated through the healing powers of Oprah. I have donated all the purses to a charity that I started a year ago: “Bitches Who Deserve Stuff.” I’ve only found like 3 bitches that actually deserve things so far. I’m going to Detroit soon; maybe I’ll find some bitches that deserve stuff there.

“Detroit, mmm I bet they need a lot of help there. It always so nice to give back”

At that moment a cute little gay boy approached us with pen and paper. “Wendy we love you in Chicago, come do a show at Roscoe’s or Hydrate please?” Wendy autographed his paper and ass upon request, so sweet! He gave me the once over, winked and walked down the line.

“I love the gays; did you think you would attract such a huge gay following?

“No, I didn’t think I would attract any kind of following. The fact that anyone gives a shit about what I do has been amazing.”

“Oh stop, you’re amazing! I hope we get these tickets soon”

“I know gurl I may have to start singing my Oprah song”, Wendy added

“Are you back up on You tube didn’t you recently get banned from Youtube for your “Ho” realness? Did you give them a fight?

“Well…I didn’t get “banned.” I got suspended for 2 weeks. They let me come back!”

“I saw that one for “Poop Noodle” so funny. There is so much sex in your videos, you must be exhausted, I hope you can do them in one take? “

“It’s not like I’m really having sex! I’m an actress! It’s not like back in the day when I actually had to have sex for money, although I will say that IS how I have such great stamina! ”

“Oh, I always have sex for real whether I’m acting or not, I think they call that method acting?”

“Gurl I think they call that insantity”, Wendy rolled her eyes and winked

“OH and what about that whole Jennifer Coolidge thing. I remember when the cyber world was going crazy about Jennifer Coolidge copying you girl on an episode of Nip/Tuck. It really was exactly like you, how did you feel about that? Did you ever talk to her?

MargOH! honey, It was like being raped, and in the middle of it realizing, “Oh this guy is REALLY HOT….I might enjoy this. BUT NO! WAIT! HE’S RAPING ME!!!!!” So in one breath I felt honored by it. In another I felt like I was totally raped. No, I never spoke to Jennifer about it. I never was mad at HER! She was just doing her job! I was glad they at least hired someone I respect to play me!

“I guess you’re right, it’s flattering but the only person I ever had imitating me was Abe Vigoda, don’t ask”

“I won’t! They’re coming out with tickets! I better win this damn lottery”, Wendy yelled

I said “Sing Wendy Sing”. She busted into her Oprah Dirge and everyone stopped. The whole crowd joined in. It was one big Oprah prayer circle with Wendy in the middle leading the choir. What a beautiful moment. Then the man in the black suit handed Wendy two tickets and said Oprah would be proud girl.

The crowd dispersed and then I realized I didn’t get a damn ticket.

“Girl you didn’t get a ticket after all of that? I’m sorry but you ain’t getting mine MargOH! How about a brand new Birkin bag I got in the Limo?” as she put her arm around me

“Oh, that’s alright! I really don’t like that heifer anyway. I was just caught up in the Oprah fever but I’d love a Birkin”

“Alright Gurrrl”, Wendy smiled

“Where are your headed now Wendy, What’s the next big thing for Wendy Ho?”

“To be honest, I don’t really know. I’m hoping that I can start touring in Europe in the next year. I haven’t done that yet! We’ll just have to see!”

“Oh I hope so, I just performed in London, loved it! You have to go!”

Then a gal ran up to the car almost knocking me over and said “I subscribe to the gospel of the “Ho”. Do you have any advice for upcoming “Ho’s”?

“Yeah baby, use a clean wash rag when you clean yo pussy. Ain’t any reason to be stanky,“

“MargOH! I gotta go! I’m tired sister”, she added getting into the limo

“One more thing Wendy” I whispered. “Is it true what they say about black men on white sugar?”

“I have no idea! All I know is the bros can’t get enough of dis ho’s high fructose!”

I laughed out loud for a moment and thanked her for all the advice then asked

“Any plans for some New York City shows? We miss our Ho”

“I’m planning on being in NY at the end of May with a show at Caroline’s on Broadway May 26th. Check www.wendyho.net for more info!!! Love you gurl” as the limo sped off

As I watched her drive away I wasn’t at all upset about not getting Oprah tickets because she wanted them more. I’m glad she got them! Then I turned around to see that sexy gay boy standing there waiting for me. He took my arm and off to my room we flew.

It wasn’t a total loss for I got to rediscover my inner glow… Thank you Wendy Ho!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8OYQ3FbXOY[/youtube]