WASHINGTON—Frantically pacing around his home, pausing only to refresh his email inbox and check his phone’s call log, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was starting to get worried Tuesday about not hearing back from his potential employers after his job interview. “Oh man, oh man—it’s almost been a week already and still nothing? It seemed like we established a great rapport. I mean, they must have been interested if they brought me back for a second interview, right? Hell, we even delved into some personal stuff from high school, so that’s a good sign,” said Kavanaugh, who had, in a state of panic, reached out to his list of personal references to see if they had been contacted in regards to his candidacy. “Shit, I really want this job. They didn’t mention interviewing anyone else for the position, but maybe they were? I feel like I asked them some pretty decent questions, too. And I mentioned I went to Yale. Fuck, what if I forgot to bring that up?” At press time, Kavanaugh was nervously rewording a follow-up email so that he didn’t come off as too desperate.

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