1) Having an irrational fear of effeminacy in guys. It’s basically misplaced misogyny. I know we all have things we’re attracted to, but there’s a big difference between being attracted to masculine guys and being disgusted by so-called “queens,” so take note all you people who write “No Fems/Queens/Fashion Divas” in your profiles. Why without queens, this world would be an undecorated, deeply boring and highly uninspired place!

2) Describing yourself as “straight-acting.” What does that even mean? You S the D, right? WELP THERE IS NOTHING STRAIGHT ACTING ABOUT THAT AS FAR AS I AM AWARE.

3) Trying to fit some magical ideal of gay male beauty. I always get so sad when I see gay men who aren’t able to express themselves the way they should because they are so wrapped up in being just like all the other gays. You know — the gay clones. I don’t blame you, though. We do what we have to to gain acceptance. There was a period where I fully believed that if I did not wear an Abercrombie t-shirt that no gay man would ever find me attractive or want to date me. All the gays wore Abercrombie, so I felt like if I wanted acceptance, so should I. Right?

4) Using the world “masculine” as a primary self descriptor. Is there nothing else to you but that?

5) Using Grindr ACROSS MULTIPLE DEVICES. You open up your Grindr and there he is — twice. Gurl. You only need to use Grindr on one device. Having it on two does NOT expand your radius/increase your chances!

6) And speaking of Grindr, no more iPad bathroom mirror pics pls.

7) You’ve seen this one before. “Not into black guys, sorry.” Or “Only into other fit hot white dudes.” Um, problematic? And of course that leads to the following: can we stop justifying our distaste for other brown bodies with the phrase “it’s not racist, it’s just a preference”? Because like, if you have to preface what you’re saying with “it’s not racist” then it is definitely racist!

8) Getting mad or defensive if somebody calls you “girl” or “gurl.” Yes, I know you have a penis and yes I know you are not a girl you party pooping sour puss. Gay men calling each other “girl” is a term of affection, not unlike how all those hot straight white guys roaming free call each other bro.

9) Saying, “We don’t want to marry. We just want to fuck.” I know that marriage isn’t for everyone, and everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinion. I’m not even going to say something moralistic like gay men need to tone it down with the promiscuous, sexual rhetoric. You should be getting laid every second of every day if that’s your thing! But let’s not forget that our gay brothers out there would really benefit from having the same rights and privileges as straight couples. It’s like the gay rhetoric used against anti-gay people: if you don’t want to get gay married, don’t marry a gay. Let’s not rain on other people’s chance to do so.

10) Worrying about things you do that are “too gay.” Also? Saying you “hate” gay culture. You don’t “do” drag queens because they “scare” you. You want to find someone nice and normal who isn’t in the scene. What are we all so afraid of?

11) FAKE TANNING. I don’t have anything against tanning per se BUT there are certain kinds of tans that are just unacceptable — like the ones that come out of a bottle! I need you to not rub off on my sheets k thanks. This is a lesson I would like to extend to all people in society. Your skin color should not be coming out of a bottle, and if you’re going to get tan at least make sure your booty is the same color as the rest of you!

12) Uploading shirtless photos to Facebook. Yes I said it!

13) Can we cut it out with the gay inches? You gays know what I mean — saying in gay social networking spaces that your piece is eight full inches!! There is no way that every gay man on the earth has such a promised, magical wand.

14) Hating other gay men.

15) Hating ourselves.