Speaking at an emergency press conference called 37 minutes ago in the White House, President Bush announced that air, sea and land elements of a massive US invasion force are being assembled in the Persian Gulf and on Iran's western borders.

Citing Monday's national intelligence estimate that established "beyond the shadow of a doubt" that since 2003 Iran has developed a massive arsenal of non-existent nuclear weapons, Bush said he had no option but declare immediate pre-emptive war on the obstinate regime in Tehran.

"The complete absence of evidence that Iran has hostile intentions towards the west is the most conclusive evidence we have yet seen that Iran has hostile intentions towards the west." said the President, adding that the report's lack of any indication that Iranians are working on long-range delivery systems for their non-existent nukes can only mean that they are.

He warned that all 50 states of the homeland are in dire peril, including the state of Israel. "We Americans are not a war-like people," he went on somberly. "We are patient. We are slow to anger. But once our righteous wrath is roused, we will kick the crap out of your sorry ass."

Israel itself has between 200 and 400 nuclear weapons which don't exist. Questioned about the difference between weapons which don't exist and non-existent nuclear weapons, Bush said non-existent nuclear weapons are far more dangerous since they are so hard to locate. He added that while Israel's weapons now non-exist in a legal limbo, they would become legal under the new "Non-existent Nuclear Proliferation Treaty", which he is proposing to introduce in the UN Security Council. It would also authorize Israel to add as many weapons which don't exist to its arsenal as it deemed necessary to keep Arab nations in their place.

The president stressed that the new treaty should not be confused with the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, which applies only to nations whose populations are 10% or less of Euro-American origin. The new Non-existent Nuclear Proliferation Treaty would only apply to nations whose populations are 80%-plus of Euro-American origin, a category into which Israel falls.

During follow-up questions, White House press secretary Dana Perino reacted negatively to a reporter who asked whether under the cold war principle of MAD (mutually assured destruction) Iran did not have the right to develop non-existent nuclear weapons to deter the use of Israel's nuclear weapons which don't exist. Ms Perino characterized the question as "treasonous" (The reporter is currently being held for questioning near Khorogos in eastern Kazakhstan). Ms Perino also revealed that in cooperation with Webster's Dictionary and Microsoft's SpelChek Inc., the White House proposed changing the official English spelling of "nuclear' to "nukuler"

This piece first appeared on 12.6.07 in GuardianAmerica

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About author Tony Hendra, author of the international best-seller Father Joe, attended Cambridge University where he performed with Pythons-to-be John Cleese and Graham Chapman. He was an original editor of The National Lampoon and editor-in-Chief of Spy. He also played Ian Faith in This is Spinal Tap. His current book The Messiah of Morris Avenue, a novel, is available online and in all bookstores. You can check it out at Tony Hendra, author of the international best-seller Father Joe, attended Cambridge University where he performed with Pythons-to-be John Cleese and Graham Chapman. He was an original editor of The National Lampoon and editor-in-Chief of Spy. He also played Ian Faith in This is Spinal Tap. His current book The Messiah of Morris Avenue, a novel, is available online and in all bookstores. You can check it out at http://www.henryholt.com/messiahofmorrisavenue/