Previously on Survivor, the tribe commenced their reversion back to High School before Neal’s knee ejaculated and he was pulled from the game.

Oh FYI, that was read by Scot Pollard while impersonating Probst. Then reread in his terrible version of Gump.

The episode opened up with the cool kids plotting out their remaining time on the island (excluding the future casualties), which you just know means you can sit back, relax, pour a wine and celebrate their eventual win, right?

Nope, not at all. You know this game – as soon as you’re confident, you’re voted out … as my dear friend and perennial withdrawal from my spank bank, Nick learnt the hard way. As tragic as Debbie and our loss is, his passing (I just assume they die when not in the game … which is a fair assumption this season) allowed us to witness Cydney emerge and commence her domination.

Oh and there were no balls this week but Aubry took a stack of dumps, so you know Probst was bringing his A game.

I first connected with Nick about six years ago when I was working in the casting department of of a major gay porn company. I had just pitched my first tent film, a porn parody of Mad Men titled Mad 4 Men and was stalking the streets to find the lead role of Don Dicker, when I saw the dreamy Nick Boston Rob Mariano Jr.

He took my breath away, albeit not in the way I would have liked, and I knew in an instant that no one else would be able to play the role. I tried courting him for months however, sadly, Nick was not interested in anything beyond our friendship … which has been going strong ever since. I will get that porn made eventually … or make a sexy-Will Forte biopic, I can’t choose but in any event, I’ve digressed.

Dear, sweet Tai followed in the hallowed Kaoh Rong / Keith Nale tradition of saying too much at tribal and sending yourself or an ally under the bus, cementing the Joe’s Angels alliance and sending Nick to my wide open arms (and Neal’s wide open wound) in Ponderosa. While he arrived harbouring no ill will following his blindside, I made quick work abusing him until he was so enraged that he needed a nice, comforting Nick Paitatorano Pizza.

Pizza, as evidenced by the number of people accepting Probst’s immunity challenge temptation, is the kind of food you can’t go past … particularly if you’re having a shit day or, you know, haven’t eaten properly in weeks so I knew this would be perfect for when Nick’s in-game smarm caught up with him.

The rich creaminess of the cheese and sauce are perfectly cut through by the salt of the pancetta and woodiness of the rosemary. Throw in the world’s favourite carb/vegetable, potato, and you’ll cream your shorts … like you would have if Nick accepted the Don Dicker role.

Enjoy!

Nick Paitatorano Pizza

Serves: 1-2.

Ingredients

pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)

white pizza sauce (I used this one)

1 potato

1 sprig of rosemary, leaves removed

100g pancetta

⅓ cup gorgonzola, crumbled

Method

Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe and then preheat the oven to 180°C.

While the oven is getting as hot as the showmance between Debbie and Nick, which sadly never was, get to work making the white sauce. I added an extra clove of garlic, but I love garlic so don’t let me be pushy.

Thinly slice the potato into 3mm-ish rounds, roughly chop the rosemary leaves and slice the pancetta into strips.

Roll out the dough and slather liberally in white sauce. Scatter the potato on the base, then some rosemary, the pancetta and then top with the gorgonzola.

Bake in the oven for 15-20 minutes, or until golden, crisp and the cheese bubbly.

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