Wow. You really thought you could get away with a hard tackle on Samir Nasri, the unofficial ghost legend of Manchester City?! Well now you're in a whole new dimension of trouble, sir. Just like the hardcore dance film Step Up 3D. Just like it.

How does my forehead feel, sir? You don't know it, but I'm putting a wicked mind-meld on you that will completely ruin the next eight seconds of your life. I bet you already regret everything you've ever done. Because my mental powers are making you regret it, sir. That's called blowing your mind while blowing your mind.

Oh and I'm also pressing my wet hair against you. I know you're already wet because it's raining right now, but my hair is getting you even more wet. That's a lot of wetness. And there's no way you can handle it all. By the way, I've also had that feeling in the back of my throat all day that you get when you might be coming down with a cold. And I'm breathing it all under your chin. The last time I had a cold, I cried for a week. So have fun with that.

If you try to retaliate by actually hitting me, be forewarned that I will bleed on you. I will bleed on you so hard, sir. My blood will get into the fibers of your kit and it will never come out. Your club's kitman will be so upset. You don't even know. But everyone else here does know how dangerous I am. I sent out an email last night telling them as much and I included not one but six pictures of baby giraffes to show them that I mean business. In fact, the ref will probably red card me right now just to save you, sir.

See? What did I say. Straight red card. I'll be waiting for you in the tunnel, sir. With a red velvet cake made using eggs that were best if used by yesterday. What?! You heard me. I'm going to have so many nightmares about this.