Photo: Sony Pictures

Smurfs. Photo: Sony Pictures

The Smurfs opens this Friday, and is being marketed as a fun, 3-D family adventure filled with harmless cute little guys in white caps. It all seems so innocent until you wade into the Internet and find no end of dastardly explanations for the Smurfs’ real malevolent intentions. According to various interpretations, they are: racists and anti-Semites; patriarchal misogynists; closeted homosexuals; and/or diabolical Satan worshippers. So be vigilant, parents! Before you blindly allow your children to be brainwashed by this angry blue menace, you should carefully read this field guide to Smurfs conspiracy theories. Remember: Smurf-warned is Smurf-armed!

The Smurfs Are Closet Racists and Anti-Semites!

“The first comic strip, The Black Smurfs, was intimately concerned with what you might classify as a racial threat. Because in that album, the Smurfs are sick. And when they’re sick, they don’t turn purple or red or anything like that, they become black. And when they become black, they lose all trace of intelligence. ‘They become completely moronic. And furthermore, they can no longer speak, they just go ‘nyap nyap nyap.’” —Antoine Buéno, author, Le Petit Livre Bleu (The Little Blue Book) interviewed by The Wall Street Journal, June 1, 2011

The Smurfs Are Closet Commies!

“Rejection of the intelligentsia is yet another theory of Marx’s that is evident in the Smurf community. Brainy Smurf was the square Smurf, always with his blue nose buried in a book, always spouting off some confounding scientific mumbo-jumbo (note a similarity to the Professor on Gilligan’s Island). Since communism stresses unity, anyone with knowledge of other matters than what is beyond the scope of the village is classified as a dissident, thus disrupting the common good of the entire entity.” —Kristen M. Sonntag, Esq., “Better Dead Than Blue” (publication date unknown)

The Smurfs Are Actually Jack-Booted “Seig Heil!”–ing Fascists!

Just look at the salute that accompanies the chant, “All for Smurf and Smurf for all!”

The Smurfs Are All Closet Satanists!

Writes Kyria Abrahams in her memoir, I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah’s Witness, “Across the board, Smurfs were a well-known portal to the demon realm. Parents knew it; elders knew it. It was mentioned from the stage and in public comments during the Watchtower Study, often in the same breath as Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video. It proved the point that Satan was treacherous and vile, like a serpent. He would stop at nothing to turn us away from Jehovah, even targeting unsuspecting children … Smurfs, it seemed, were decidedly un-Smurf-y. Never once did I dare to Smurf a Smurf or Smurf a ride to Smurf-town. I made it through the entire ‘80s without once owning a single item with a Smurf on it. And for my self-sacrifice in this matter, Jehovah found me totally Smurftastic.”

The Smurfs Aren’t Just Closet Marxists, They’re Closet Marxist Homosexuals!

“No Smurf ever forms a relationship with Smurfette. Although she is the focus of some childish heterosexual rivalries, especially between Hefty and Handy, there is never any real heterosexual tension in the Village. The tension is more between Hefty and Handy themselves, who seem to be more interested in impressing each other than Smurfette.” —J. Marc Schmidt, “Socio-Political Themes in ‘The Smurfs’”, 1998

The Smurfs Are Actually Ku Klux Klansmen!

“The Smurfs are all one color. The Smurfs all wear white hoods. Smurfs’ leader, Papa Smurf, he’s supposed to be the grand master of all the little Smurfs, wears a red hood, ladies and gentlemen. And they only have one female. What does that sounds like to you? Sounds like a little bit of the KKK to me.”

The Smurfs Are Shallow, Anti-Feminist Misogynists!

“The [Smurfs’] website explains … that were 100 Smurfs, and originally, there were no female Smurfs … not sure how that happened — but eventually they added Smurfette … They describe her as [first] having ‘stringy hair and ugly eyelashes’; she was created by an evil wizard to destroy the Smurfs. But: Then, I’m not kidding, Papa Smurf, ‘after a successful operation of plastic Smurfery’ turned her into the blonde bombshell we all know and love. And it notes that after her appearance improved, ‘The Smurfs accepted and loved her.’” —Geena Davis, speaking at the National Conference for Media Reform, January 2007