Name: Diaper Dude.

Age: 18.

Appearance: A tough, rugged nappy bag for men. Only for men. Understand? Men.

Christ, yes, I understand. Why are they only for men, though? Because it’s emasculating to go outside with a regular nappy bag. They’re covered in flowers and zoo animals. What are people going to think if they see you outside with a flowery bag?

I don’t know. “There goes a dad”, maybe. No they won’t. They’ll think “Look at this poor sap doing a woman’s work with a woman’s bag.”.

You might be overthinking this. I’m not, and that’s why I’m so pleased that Diaper Dude exists. They make nappy bags, but black and green nappy bags. Some even have skulls on them. Because I am a man, and I need to reinforce this fact at every possible turn.

A High Speed Daddy backpack. Photograph: High Speed Daddy

Skulls? Skulls. You can buy them on Amazon. They cost £55.78.

Good lord. But you can’t put a price on reminding the world that you’re still a man.

What a weird little outlier Diaper Dude is. That’s where you’re wrong. There are more and more male-centric baby brands springing up all over the place.

Like what? Like Dad Gear, HighSpeedDaddy and Tactical Baby Gear, all offering highly organised baby bags made of military-grade material that can be worn by men without a trace of shame.

Shame? Where’s the shame in caring for your baby? Look, we’re trying our hardest here. We’ve already started to dismantle traditional gender roles by actively being involved in our childrens’ upbringing – something that our fathers and grandfathers were much less inclined to do – but it’s a long process. If we have to dress up like special little soldiers to get us over the line, let us.

Dad Gear classic black diaper bag. Photograph: Dad Gear

Why do bags need to be gendered, anyway? Oh, why does anything? This is just how men work. I only wash my hair because my shampoo has got the word “ACTIVE” written all over it. I only wear deodorant because its adverts imply that it can help trick women into sex. If the only way to get me to change a nappy is to give me a bag that makes me look like I’m one of the A-Team, surely that’s better than nothing.

But it’s just a bag. Just give us this. Please. And Yorkie Bars, too. Don’t make me eat any of that girly Cadbury rubbish.

Do say: “Real men don’t need special nappy bags.”

Don’t say: “Because real men just wipe their kids’ bums on trees.”