I’m sure Misha will be fine. At any rate, she’s better off now than I can even hope to be. I mean, I’ve just resolved to have tons of meaningless sex with someone who might not even like me. All to manipulate her like she manipulated me. Two wrongs don’t make a right. My mind is racing: still trying to piece together what happened with Miki, with being used like that. I definitely don’t like it.. I think. I mean, when I think about it, I feel bad. I’m not supposed to like things that make me feel bad. But sometimes things that make me feel bad at first make me better afterwards. But I know those things are good for me. This thing with Miki, I don’t know what it could be. It could be curiosity, pity, loneliness, love.

Love. Is this love? What is love? No one taught me these things. You’re supposed to know them. Like instinct. What instincts do I have? I don’t have instinct, just intuition. Right now, my intuition can’t make sense of whatever the fuck happened. I could look at what other people say about love, but that’s all post hoc, relying on the experience of love as proof for what they say is true. How am I supposed to just blindly trust what I’m being told is true? I don’t want to be wrong about this: it’s too important. Too much for me, maybe. I need to talk to someone about this. But who? Nurse? I don’t think he’d understand from my perspective. Misha? She violates the very concept of discretion. I need someone who won’t judge me for this, who might understand these feelings or at least help me clear my mind…

*knock knock knock*

“Yes?”

“Ritsu? It’s Aiko. C-can I come in?”

“Just a second!”

I didn’t actually expect her to be here, considering class should still be in session. Why is Ritsu here at the dorms? How many people are actually in class? The lock clicks to reveal a very comfortable looking Ritsu, holding her hair up in a small ponytail near the top of her head while trying not to drop a piece of toast in her mouth. The warmth of the sunlight wafting into the room intensifies, if not congregates, around her almost day-glo pink sweatshirt.

“Cohm in!”

“How come you’re not in class?”

“I could ask you the same thing, baka.”

“It’s a long story.”

“And that’s why you’re here?”

“What makes you say that?”

“When have you ever told someone it’s a long story without secretly wanting them to ask you about it?”

“A c-couple of times, actually…”

“You were lying to yourself. Well? Do you want to talk or are you just here to stare at my shirt?”

“C-could you…be nicer about it, please?”

“Sorry, my mind’s elsewhere right now. You caught me in the middle of a personal project that’s getting a bit frustrating. I could use this break.”

“So I’m just a distraction?”

“Oh yes, totally. You mean absolutely nothing to me in any way, shape, or fucking form. You're just something to kill the time.”

God dammit. She might as fucking well be Miki. I can't turn to anyone. They're all the damn same! I-

“Wait, are you crying?”

“Nooooo, it’s raining.”

“Come here and give Ritsu a hug. I was being sarcastic, Aiko. Come on, I didn't mean it.”

“H-how am I supposed to know that?”

“I do care about you, in the classmate sort of way, y'know? Now are you going to give me a hug or do I have to come and take it from you?”

Take? Oh god no.

“Aiko…”

Don’t do it, Ritsu. Please take the hint. For the love of God, take the hint.

“That’s it, here I come!”

“EEEK!”

Like a giant dog leaping towards me, I leap out of my chair and boot Ritsu into her bed, watching her bounce off the wall.

“I’m s-sorry…I just don’t feel comfortable right now, Ritsu.”

“Really? I had no idea! Ughhhhh.”

“Did you hit your head?”

“No more so than usual.”

“Ohmygosh I’ll go-“

“Aiko, I was joking. Calm down. What’s got you so worked up anyway?”

“Well…”

“Oh right. That, um, thing you wanted to talk about. Will ya tell me so I can help?”

“I’ll try. Th-this isn’t going to be easy for me.”

“Take your time.”

And so I explained it to her. The drinking, the picture, the story…MAYBE not the sex. She doesn’t need to know that. She sits there, patiently for the most part, until I talk about my feelings:

“Whoa-whoa-whoa. Hold up. Are you trying to tell me you have a girl crush on Miura? What, did you fuck her or something and think that would lead to happily ever after?”

Fuck my luck.

“…”

“Oh-ho-ho! You dirty girl! I didn’t think you played that game!”

“Please stop.”

“Oh, come on, it’s just sex!”

“Just sex?”

“Um, yeah?”

“Do you think this is some sort of motherfucking game?”

“Aiko, I-“

It’s too late now. My stress has found its outlet. As pure raging fury.

“This was my first time! I wanted it to be something fucking goddamn special! And it turns out that she was just using me for an easy lay. ME! Someone she’s barely even glanced at before! She lied to me and used me and all you can say is ‘it’s just sex!’ like my emotions mean abso-fucking-lutely nothing?! Well I’m so fucking glad that you can just open up your legs like some sort of garage door for whomever wants to park their car there for the night but some of us still believe that people are good and that their decisions matter! I don’t want to grow up to be one of those loose as hell strippers in some seedy bar in Bangkok fucking my way through a barely tolerable lifestyle all because I learned to stop caring about myself and my dreams!”

I’m foaming at the mouth, rabidly waiting for my attack to sink in. Ritsu is trembling right now, shaking, seizing with intense…something. I don’t know if she’s about to cry or tackle me. But what she says in between holding back torrents of tears knocks me over regardless:

“I was only twelve.”