Welcome back to everyone’s favorite segment…the Barstool Weekly Power Rankings.

After a 30 episode run, I turned the Power Rankings reigns over to the (self proclaimed, never officially acknowledged by anyone but himself) Assistant TO The Editor In Chief Barstool Nate to get a fresh voice and fresh perspective on these. If there’s one thing I learned from Dave it’s never overdo something and always leave them wanting more.

But a week like this deserved a comeback. A massive week, arguably our biggest week ever, with half the company in Minnesota for a Super Bowl between our two biggest fan bases: Boston vs. Philly. Massholes vs. “Philly Trash” (KFC’s words not mine). Smitty vs. Nate vs. Donovan McNate vs. Dave vs. Everybody.

Before we get to the boots on the ground, a lot of people have been wondering what the office is like. Short answer? Amazing. So quiet. On a normal day the noise is so thunderous it gets through my $349.95 QC 35 ii Noise Cancelling Headphone (#EquityGang) – this week you can hear a pin drop. You can feel the silence. It’s so quiet that Francis hasn’t even desecrated this newfound atmosphere with 3 versions of a joke he’s contemplating for stand up tonight. Just a nice, peaceful work environment with a big ass bar in the middle of it. My happy place.

I’ve never gotten more work done in my life. In all seriousness this past week may be the hardest I’ve worked in my 8 years at Barstool and it’s awesome, not only because I have the best job in the world to begin with, but because you can literally see the fruits of your labor almost instantaneously – clicks, views, and most importantly, the crowds of fans coming out both in person and on social media.

Know who else was working their ass off this week? Literally everyone in Minnesota. I don’t want to suck everybody’s dick so they get complacent because complacency is the enemy of progress but in a nice twist they’re probably all too busy to even read this so we’re good. I don’t know what Dave and Erika said to the crew out there but there is a fire under everybody’s ass like I’ve never seen before. Most of the reason I’ve been glued to my computer so much is because we have SO much content coming out of there. Like an avalanche of content. A massive amount of content. It’s flooding the site like a tsunami. I’ve been trying to help everyone with the nightly recaps but I bet it takes more work than you do at your actual job to try to keep up with it all. Hopefully that work has paid off for you because, as a totally biased source, I think every single thing that has come out has been top notch.

So let’s get into the top highlights of all the highlights. The top 5 best, top 5 worst, and random roundup of all the stuff from a jam packed week of Barstool Sports.

TOP 5.

5) The Merch Girls.

Perfect way to start off because nothing more perfectly encapsulates Barstool Nation like Jenna and Maddie. They drove 3 hours and promptly went straight to work moving merch off the shelves at an alarming rate at Lightswitch Lou’s favorite company move ever: a pop up shop.

4) All of Our Incredible Guests

NFL Stars of Past and Present.

Mainstream media, MMA fighters and Country Music Stars.

And Kevin Hart?

All the biggest stars know the new first spot to hit up when you’re at the Super Bowl is Barstool Radio.

And very special shout out here to The Evening Yak crew – Big Cat, PFT, Rone and Feits got some of the best interviews and had hands down the best pull-tab coverage ever to hit raadio.

3) The Heartland Crew

I’ve taken a straw poll and it’s starting to emerge that a lot of people feel the Heartland Boys were one of the best, if not THE best part of the Super Bowl.

Pat, Chef, and their whole crew of misfits churning out great stuff all week long.

From Barstool ‘Merica to Barstool Indy to Barstool Heartland to the studs of Minnesota.

2) The Stoolies

#2 on this list but always #1 in our hearts. We’d be nothing without you.

Looking at the crowds that showed up is incredible.

1) Smitty

This was, to put it mildly…a big week for Smitty. I’m not sure anyone at Barstool has ever been under more pressure heading into a one week span than Smitty was. After a self-admitted, clean shot fiasco of an NFC Championship Game, alllllllllll of the haters came out of the woodwork. His boss called him lazy over and over again to millions of people. His arch enemy Nate put him in his crosshairs and developed an entire character to take him down. Even the nice guys in the office were taking snarky little shots in their blogs and referencing the time 11:37 a lot. It was a low point for him to be sure.

But like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Smitty stepped into Super Bowl week and promptly made it his bitch. As of writing this he has put out two high quality videos, both have which made me laugh out loud. He’s written more blogs than his past…a lot of weeks combined. He’s been in countless ads making us money and random videos, all while still training for Rough N Rowdy 2 which people forget is February 16th and which you can buy for the low price of $9.99. All this while surrounded by people who still tossing negativity his way. I asked him for a video for my prop bet blog knowing how busy he was and he got it over to me within the hour, filmed in a moving vehicle shuttling him between content destinations. The week isn’t over yet and the only opinion that matters at the end of the trip is Dave’s, but I think it’s safe to say that I speak for a lot of us when I say it’s been thoroughly impressive.

#1 Section B) And a special shoutout to Jordie. Jordie doesn’t get a lot of love outside of our hockey fanbase but his work this week has been top notch. From standing at the Rocky statue 24/7 (*******hard asterisk from Pres on this one) and making the local news to full on coverage of Eagles stories, Jordie’s been an animal. Sure it may have taken 3 emails that ranged from asking to straight up pleading for him to write something other than hockey blogs for just this one week, but at the end of the day, he did his job and earned a lot of respect.

And Smitty thanks everyone for helping him get to the game, even if he does have to watch it with Dave now.

NEEDS IMPROVEMENT.

5) The NFL

For trying to keep us out of Media Day once again…

And failing once again.

4) Bitcoin Marty

This ranking comes straight from Barstool Nate. In his own words:

Look, I can admit when I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong before, and I’ll be wrong again. But NOBODY has ever been more wrong than Bitcoin Marty. This dude came waltzing into Barstool Sports like the prettiest girl at the prom. When he galavanted his way around these halls, everyone would move aside and “ooooh” and “ahhhh”, whispering “there goes Bitcoin Marty, he’s going to make us all so rich”. Girls wanted him, guys wanted to be him. And then Bitcoin went up to 19k and life was good. Life was great. Life was grand. We were all taking limos to and from work, blowing our noses in Hamiltons and wiping our asses with Benjamins. Nothing could possibly ever go wrong. Fuck you Bitcoin Marty! This wasn’t supposed to happen! You promised us the moon and instead we’re all living in a walk-up studio apartment in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn, eating egg noodles and drinking asbestos-infested tap water. Am I just lashing out because I put a lot of stake into a fake internet coin? Yes. Would my money be just as well-off in Schrute Bucks and Stanley Nickels? Probably. But will I be dancing in the streets when it goes back up to $20k again? Absolutely. And if it doesn’t, I’ll just murder Bitcoin Marty. Fair deal.

3) Curling Pete

Listen I for one will not pile on Pete. Nobody knows better than me what happens to your athletic ability when the bright lights go on, the camera crew gathers around, and Dave is staring at you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been playing and succeeding at a sport your entire life – when El Presidente is watching you and commenting on you to millions of Stoolies, it all goes out the window. You have to be the most mentally strong human being alive to perform under those conditions. I was not. And as it turns out, Pete wasn’t either.