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What not to wear to court, graduation speeches are the devil, people who walk without purpose, my dad takes questions from Twitter and talks about Longmire, the Asterios vs. WarOfTheFanBoys call that launched a thousand ships, a Patreon warning email, restraining orders for civil harassment, a different audio engineer, Letters from Sean: Part 3, Cuck Hunt, Marble Madness, slow walkers getting hit by cars, the Man in Black and la Flama Blanca, a very, very drunken rant about gun rights, and maybe the worst hangover in the history of the show; all that and much more this week on The Dick Show!

Maybe I am a fuckin idiot:

I misunderstood the legal technicalities while ranting during the episode and because I don’t know jack shit about the law. Mental Jess didn’t get found guilty of a “crime”. It was a civil matter, but the rest is true. The judge found her liable for civil harassment and issued a civil restraining order against her protecting 80s girl. I don’t want to be accused of spreading #FALSEGOSS. I’ll tell the whole story next week. It’s a fucking mess, but that part was my mistake.

Sean is gone and Johnny the Audio Engineer is taking his place this week. He’s got the zingers, he’s got the mystery projects he can’t talk about on this show, but does it blend? We’ll know soon because as we speak, Johnny is slaving over a hot ProTools session, rubbing away at Sean’s rhubarb in an attempt to coax out the same ear-loving, man-screaming audio goodness this show has become synonymous with for over 53 fuck-up-free, high-fidelity episodes. Did Johnny do it? Will he get an affirmative nod from Sean upon his return from Ass-topia? Or will he get shit all over on Reddit and then jump into the ocean? I hope not because I really appreciate him filling in for the week–but first…

It’s the end of the school year, and that means a wave of the worst speeches ever written are about to sweep over the country like a plague of unfunny locusts with shitty jokes and shitty anecdotes and shitty advice about life from the kids who’ve spent all of theirs memorizing for AP tests. Graduation speeches are what priests would give if they had something stuck up their ass–INSTEAD OF BEING THE ONES WHO…you get it. Graduation speeches are the kind of speeches that shitty bosses give when you’re about to do something for free. Graduation speeches are the worst thing known to modern man: an inconvenience.

If you’re graduating this year, I’ve got a graduation speech for you. The future is sterile and disappointing and you’re going to spend most of it making someone else rich while wondering what weird shit you’ll have to do or put up with to feel the warm body of some lunatic against you whom you got paired up with by an unlucky swipe and a computer algorithm. Everything is morons, and you’re either one of the morons, or your life is being made miserable by them. Abandon all hope. Trump 2020!

And then my dad brings in his own rage to lighten the mood: religion.

Next, the phone call between Asterios and WarOfTheFanBoys that kicked-off the greatest, most exciting, and least-planned boxing match I’ve ever seen. Sure, you can say that literally any fight ever recorded had more technical skill than this one, but that sounds like something a nerd would say. And I have never cared about a boxing match more than this one below. I could feel each wild punch as if it was going in slow-motion–which many of them were! I could feel each moment of balance teetering of the verge of certain MCL injury. I could feel the catharsis of a nation.

Below is the long-touted boxing match between Asterios and WarOfTheFanBoys. No mouthguards. No helmets. And absolutely no ref. The fuckers couldn’t wait, which we’ll talk about next week.

Or if you want to watch the fight in Benny Hill-o-vision.

here you go pic.twitter.com/pIyJDang1r — Carlos De la Loser (@of_the_light) June 12, 2017

I’m trying to be objective about on the scoring of this bout, but its tricky. For example, I see flagrant violations of just about every rule in boxing every couple of seconds; backhanding, throwing, back-turning, and the worst one, meowing in the ring. Next week, we’ll play armchair boxer and talk about how and what everyone fucked up, but if you want to weigh-in early on how and what everyone fucked up, toss your vote into this Twitter poll for starters.

They're both winners to me, but who do you think won the first @asterios/@TrumpSciFi fight? — Dick Masterson (@dickmasterson) June 12, 2017

Asterios’ post-fight training begins anew for the rematch.



Then, Peach and Asterios send in another round of Letters From Sean: Part 3!



Bad Pizza‘s outro re-mix.



New Dick Pics



What are you gonna do, chase them?! You're gonna run out of the bathroom chasing them with no pants?! It's the perfect crime! — Dick Out of Context (@dickOOC) June 10, 2017

Thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic and Nope.wmv. Wow! It’s a two-fer. You gotta do both!

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