The great Emperor Sheev Palpatine has returned to impart His wisdom upon us. This time The Emperor discusses the new Rogue One trailer! After the jump see what pearls of Sith insight he has bestowed upon our readers!

Dear Sheev,

Why is Thrawn a Caucasian humanoid in the trailer? # rogueonesowhite

-P. Smurf

Spurf,

According to my pale, Hispanic adviser, Hablo Pidalgo, Thrawn is not “hashtag canon. ” Sorry. Lo siento.



Dear Sheev,

Have you ever been seduced by a rogue spy after your plans?

-Pussy Galore

Padme, is that you?

Dear Sheev,

Young Mon Mothma… Would you? Rather… Did you? And where? And does the Republic know?

H. Hefner

Hef,

I did. In the backseat of my X-34 landspeeder back in my lowly days as a Senator. Mothma was easy to seduce. I didn’t even use the Force. You know General Hux, right? That’s my son.

Dear Sheev,

Team Hunger Games or Team Rogue One?

-Kantmiss

I’m all for that girl on fire, although I’d rather have an evening with Jyn.

Dear Sheev,

How many channels do you get with that dish?

-Flanders

Sanders,

No I don’t feel the “Bern.” Get out of here.

Dear Sheev,

Is Godzilla behind one of the AT-ATs on the beach because that one Asian seems to be screaming just like I remember in those films when I was a kid.

-G. Zooki

Ms. Zooki,

You may be confused by the fact a Godzilla director is in charge of Rogue One. No JIANT lizards nor kaijus will be in Rogue One. I have foreseen it.

Orale Sheev,

How often does Tarkin ask for a cape?

-A. Banderas

Abanderas,

Too often. He is genuinely jealous of Admiral Bendelsohn’s drapery hanging from his shoulders. I keep telling him that if he is ever promoted to Grand Admiral he can have as many capes as he wishes, but not until then. And don’t even get me started on his Doctor Strange cape-envy!

Dear Sheev,

Is this a Public School Rebellion you are facing in Rogue One because I remember only white people in the one you faced in the OT?

-Grand Dragon Johnson

Rian,

All the non Caucasian humanoids in the Rebellion died off prior to what you beings refer to “A New Hope.”

Dear Sheev,

Will James Earl Jones play Vader physically and vocally in this one?

-HJ Osment

Hailey Joel,

Why are you out of your box? But to answer your question, no, not this time. JEJ will continue to voice Vader’s voicebox only.

Dear Sheev,

Are you secretly a young strong female in a Snuggie and old man makeup? Please say it’s so!

-K. Kennedy

Kathy,

Not in this version of the Multi-verse. Check out Earth-66, I’m sure Gwen Stacy is Sheev Palpatine in that universe.

Dear Sheev,

Whats the female death toll in Rogue one?

-Patriarchal Guy

Not high enough.

Hey Sheev!

I think I saw Lu Kang trying to sit on your throne in the trailer. True?

-Baraka Obama

POTUS,

That was not Lu Kang, you fool. That was me bowing before my master, Lord Plagueis.

Dear Sheev,

Is Hayden Christensen going to die this time? Please say yes.

J. Broadbent

Fake Lloyd,

I think you getting an autographed Turboman action figure is more likely to happen.

Dear Sheev,

In the trailer, it is not clear what season the planets are in, but it seems late in the year, September like. That said, where does that one schmo get off wearing white after Labor Day… a cape no less!

-A. Wintour

Schmo,

Sadly, white is the color of the Imperial Security Bureau uniform. I foresaw something of this nature happening so I pushed and pushed for it to be either burgundy or olive green but the Senate voted otherwise. I should just dissolve the Senate. I tire of their constant belly-aching.