a 0 can be in front of any number

it can be invisible silence

something that goes unnoticed

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 010



or it can be something that lends strength

to a number like

[[10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100]]

"I can't make myself hate you," Macy manages to say after stalling. "Isn't that fucked up? I still care about you no matter what I do. I don't get it. I should leave you. You don't deserve me."



It stings, but you can't disagree. She doesn't deserve someone whose idea of relating to their girlfriend is to research and try to fit in with a culture that isn't theirs. You tried so hard to be an ADVOCATE when you should've been a GIRLFRIEND



one who talks to and listens to her partner. The guidelines for your relationship were right there in front of you, not on the Internet.



You cringe and you ask her, "you love me, don't you?"



Months into this relationship and that's the first time that word's passed through either of your lips. Macy's [[shoulders stiffen]].

fall/winter outfits are so much easier to match

you miss your over-sized sweaters

and poofy coats

and dark colors in general



there's only so much time before spring will fade into summer

and you'll have to retire all of your leather



when you tell your girlfriend this,

she calls you melodramatic

[[and offers to buy you a lighter jacket|8 is up to interpretation]]

remember, this wasn't a love story.



this was [[something else.]]

but there's a stop-gap for your romantic interlude

and that's the waistband

discussions haven't worked

warming her up as much as possible hasn't worked

being as SUPPORTIVE as possible hasn't worked

you've been doing all that you can to show her you're in this for the long haul



she spends more days in your apartment than hers

you're practically U-Haul'd

so why

why

[[why won't she give in]]

trusting

caring

there for you

she takes care of you

she hugs you and holds you after a long day

she's a cuddler

she's someone you could look up to

she's got her own business

she's doing things

you're holding her back

(except maybe not anymore

will she come back ever?)



she gave you a chance

[[and reminded you that maybe you are worth giving a shit about after all|her details]]

You're not following her. "I'm gay."



"Being queer and being lesbian are a little different. What are you?"



"What's the fucking difference?" You cup some of the water and rub it into your face like it's a new ointment.



"The way I see queer is that it's more encompassing. More welcoming. More <html><i>understanding</i></html>, if you get what I'm saying."



"I'm understanding. I just understand ladies the most."



"Right. And that's why I didn't kiss you before telling you what I'm about to tell you. I want you to hate me for an actual reason, not one made up [[in your head]]."

she could like [[this|this1]] or [[that|that1]] or [[this|this2]] or [[that|that2]] or [[this|this3]] or [[that|that3]] or [[this|this4]] or [[that|that4]] or [[this|this5]] or [[that|that5]] or [[this|5]] or [[that|6]] or [[this|7]] or [[that|8]] or [[this|b2]] or [[that|b3]] or [[this|b4]] or [[that|b5]]



[[or none of the above|See it's hard to give up your soul when you don't have much soul available to give.]]

As if holding hands is something kids shouldn't see. As if a first date kiss isn't acceptable when there are children around. As if there's a wrong set of 2s.



That family of 1s passing by, spearheaded by a proud and happy 2 broke your 2, because they're the kind of 2 that's stronger than your kind of 2. They're the 2s that can break other 2s into 1s with just a glance.



Those are the 2s that function like the letters providing the divide between A and Z. A and Z, 1 and 1; never to be 2s if B through Y are to be damned. Stay in your place. 1 and 1. A and Z.



You run your finger over your bottom lip. Your veins are heating, boiling over. You need to [[relieve your stress]].

if you focus, you can feel the thrum of a heartbeat

a pulse

that calming rhythmic thump of trust

and something else

you squeeze and she shivers

locks eyes with yours

[[and you freeze like that]]



<html><h1>Fin.</h1></html>

"That would explain everything, wouldn't it?" She's unhappy. You try to smooth out the tension in her shoulder blades. It's not working. She doesn't recoil, but she doesn't relax. "You're self-centered."



"You're too nice."



"You're a sociopath."



"You're beautiful."



"You're fucked up."



"You're amazing."



"Are you a sex addict?"



"I don't think so." You don't tell her how much it ached and hurt you not to have it while you two were in your PG-rated dating, hand holding stage. You had trouble sleeping.



[[She pauses to consider the possibility.]]

You find out more things about her as you talk. She used to want to study architecture until she realized that it was more about the mathematics than the creativity. The pressure had gotten to her too badly, so she switched to graphic design which has pressures of its own. She has two older sisters. One of them is in Montana. The other one is in California. School spread them all out.



She had braces throughout highschool. She wasn't always as tall as she is. She once broke her hand punching a wall. She can dance a perfect hula. She has no problem drawing straight lines or circles. Her favorite shape is a trapezoid. Her favorite color is red. She prefers silk underwear to cotton. She's versatile and open to experimentation. She's not exclusively into women.



She never takes her coffee with cream or milk. The only acceptable additive for her is [[sugar]].

"And what are you addicted to, Lynn? Weird bubbly drinks and Ask Me Anything sessions?"



"I wouldn't say addicted. You gave me an opportunity and I took it." You drink down more of your coffee, slightly surprised to see that Macy's joke about it had some merit. It looks less like coffee and more like some caramel hipster latte thing.



"How about me?"



"Hm?"



"Don't I get a session with you?"



"[[Sure]]."

"I guess you really did mean it when you said anything." You still can't get over the sugar thing. Throughout the conversation, she's been dropping more packets into her drink. "You should try cream. At this rate, you're going to OD on Splenda."



"Cream overpowers the coffee. Look at yours. It's practically white."



"Better that than piles and piles of sugar at the bottom." You reach for a spoon. "Let me see how much is in yours."



"No way," Macy backs her chair up.



"I wanna see. Your cup's half sugar, isn't it?"



"No!" She falters. "Okay, maybe..."



"It's official. You're a [[Splenda]] addict." You hate the taste of that stuff.

"You're in school, right? What are you studying?" Macy tears open a sugar packet and dumps it into her coffee. Her nails are nicely manicured. Yours are chewed. You hide yours on your lap. "I noticed your ID when you went to pay."



You're squeezed against a cramped table, sitting face to face with one another. There's no room to run, even though you don't want to. You're not even sure why that thought crossed your mind in the first place.



"Business," you say. You plunge a plastic stick into your cup. She doesn't need to know that your studies have practically [[halted]] again.

she has her hands over herself

you want to replace hers with yours so badly

but no, you have to hold yourself back

be SUPPORTIVE, you idiot



you soap up your arm like this is any other bath

like questions aren't going through your head

like you're not getting excited wondering



if she's curved if she's a straightline if she can hit you in the right places if she's big if she's small if she's pretty

and the answer to the last one has to be yes, she's certainly [[pretty everywhere else]] so why would her penis be an exception

<html><h1>7.25.</h1></html>



you receive your first handsfree release

when macy comes undone in your mouth



[[she tastes like victory]]

Venus Meets Venus

"Because we had a good thing going. I'm sorry about the kiss. I just didn't know how you'd react if we did it too soon." Macy reaches up to brush back her hair, but stops herself at her hairline. "Can we <html><i>please</i></html> go somewhere more quiet?"



"That shit just reminded me of everything I hate," you say as you try to come down off of your stool. You feel more cool air on your legs than you originally intended. Maybe Macy was right about your dress being too small and too tight. You pull it down and half-walk half-stumble towards the door that leads to the hallway.



You know if you fall Macy will catch you and the thought makes you smile a little.



You're a [[stupid drunk]], aren't you?

You're such a mess. You know Macy would drop you on the spot. You deserve it for being an asshole, an asshole with unfinished tattoos, an unfinished Business degree, an unfinished dating life, and an unfinished dress. You can't see anything through except for the things you know are only temporary.



You find the handicapped bathroom and pull her inside. You lock the door. Her body's rigid. Her mouth's an unkissable straight line.



"Okay, talk to me," you say as you back up to the opposite wall. "Say [[whatever]] you want to say."

7 is a number with a flat-top to jump off of

you can bend it and time it just right

so you can slide off of it

7 is a sharp decline



[[7 is a downpour]]

it's hard to make time for dates

it's a busy season for macy

she has so much work to get done

and you have to spend so much time at the library because you can't afford a decent printer



those girls from the LGBT club

they invite you to that bar

that bar with its smoke and its bubbly drinks

that burn your mouth and throat in the right way



[[you go on a night when macy is too busy to come]]

Swig.



Isn't that a verb reserved for more hardy drinks

like a dark beer or a scotch or a brandy

you wouldn't know, you don't know your alcohol

you know enough to ask for something fruity,

something bubbly with a kick of fire



the name of this drink escapes you but not the swirl of emotions it's rolling through you



You stare at her again. You catch the way she eyes your lips. [[Ride the wave of liquid courage.]]

You told her you didn't care when you were in that handicapped bathroom with her, but the truth is that you <html><i>do</i></html> care. Maybe too much. It's constantly in the back of your mind.



Macy's from a ♂ -> ♀ [[world]] that you don't understand.



And she does a hell of a lot better job of being a more put together ♀ than you do.



You always feel like a mess. She's the neatness to your messiness, you remember telling her that once with a big, goofy [[smile]] on your face.

and she knows how to ghost her fingers up your sides

she knows how to tease the edge of your bra as she kisses you

she's a good multi-tasker



you pull up her shirt a little

you want to get closer to that flaring heat

"is this okay?" you breathe out next

"i'll tell you when it's not."



you wonder what it'll feel like through her shorts. [[the fabric of yours is so thin.]]

"Yep. I wanted to take a cool science. The experiments were cool, but the rest of it...not so much." Macy jots down a formula you can't read, some type of function more complicated than the quadratic one you're most familiar with. "Impressive, huh?"



"Yeah, it makes me want to take my top off." You jokingly fan your face. You hope she'll go for it. Her numbers and spreadsheets are so much more enticing than your textbook's.



"Maybe later, if you get all your homework done."



[[She gives you a kiss on the cheek.|8 is up to interpretation]]

"Really? You've never used Photoshop in your entire life?"



"Really," you say, watching her laptop screen. It's full of gray boxes and rows and rows of buttons and icons. There's a bunch of windows all smooshed together. Macy's only just opened the program and you're already lost. "What am I supposed to be looking at?"



Her mouse goes to File > New Something. It's too fast to catch. "I'm making you a canvas to play around in."



"How do I make a flyer?"



"You have to crawl before you can walk. Patience, Lynn, patience." She pokes your cheek. "We're going to [[practice the basic tools]] first."

but your favorite part of all your sessions like these

{sessions where you're on her or she's on you

any type of session at all}

is the aftermath

the curl-up where she's a C-shape

nestled in your C-shape



[[C stands for Comfort]]

everyone has their theories

their reasons

brain brain born that way



wrong body

right body

her body, her choice on rightness & wrongness



something called spiro and something called E does the trick???

E before T? E overpowering T?

estrogen-challenged??

T can stand for Toxin too



[[pills 2x a day]]

Face it, that's the truth of the matter. When the pretenses are this sleazey, everything's a performance, a mating ritual of wits. Her jokes were a verbal display. They were questions, and your answers were your laughter. Giggles are indicators of interest, you see.



You know how to play the game. You've played it enough times on both sides to know exactly what to do. That doesn't keep you from being nervous almost every time, though. If you're not nervous, then there has to be something wrong.



You need the nerves. You need the excitement.



"We should [[date]]." Her words pull you out of your thoughts.

You know exactly where you want to put that grin of hers.



And you know exactly how to make it quiver into an O-shaped sigh.



You look forward to what will happen after [[her|Macy]] body's been unburdened of its clothes.

<html><h1>0.</h1></html>



remember, this is not [[a love story|past2]].

this was macy meets lynn

lynn meets macy

♀ meets ♀



[[venus meets venus|ending]]

after it was over



(so weird to equate "it" to a tiny two-lettered word like "it" when "it" was so much more than "it," this was 1+1 forming 2 and becoming so much better...5 is almost like 2 upside down is that why this section is #5)



she held you against her body

her shorts still on

but you didn't care

you rolled over to [[hold her]] instead



<html><h1>9.</h1></html>



a 9 looks like an 8 with an unhinged jaw

wide open in shock

[[unravel the 8 and reveal a 9 all along]]

(you once caught her downing some and joked that she didn't need pregnancy pills,

'cause you ain't got the equipment for that

and she just kind of stared at you

and you kind of just stared at her

and then she smiled, all gently and slowly and Macy-like)



[[this isn't your world but you're in its orbit|routine]]

"This one's about an evil Gingerbread Man. It's no Exotica Babe Thrasher or whatever, but it looks terrible. Come here," she makes room for you on the couch. You sit down and put the popcorn bowl between you two. It's a barrier.



"I thought we decided to never talk about that movie."



"The movie I almost lost my eye seeing? No, we always talk about that. That and the goose." Macy's giving you that Macy grin of hers. You know what she's about to do. You cover your ears. "Quack!"



"Ugh, stop, that's scary."



"Make me, then." She sticks out her [[tongue]].

macy screams

she hits the side of your fridge

magnets fall off



"WERE YOU SAFE?"



it takes a moment to click

protection... protection...

you didn't make her wear gloves

fingers only



"DID YOU KISS HER?"

that's how it started



"DID SHE GET YOU OFF?"

yes



"WHO THE FUCK WAS SHE? TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HER."

[[a mistake, a mistake, a mistake|she was a mistake]]

[[Exhale]] through your nose. Everything is through the nose. The center of the universe is through the nose.

you relinquished some of your control when you gave her your spare

funny how a piece of metal

can mean so much to a person

but a key is a powerful piece of metal

[[it is trust incarnate|tethered in the grip]]

being an emotional support has never been your forte

you're a kiss me hug me fuck me type not a talk to me type

you prefer to use your mouth for more pleasurable tasks

comfort is allowed to work both ways

[[it sucks to simply be an ear|keep it strictly surface level]]

this is not the tale of girl meets girl in the most wonderful of ways

this is not the story of racing hearts, crackling sparks, and chaste kisses in the darkness



this is not a hand holding, be there for her always-ing, knock her off her feet-ing, deep breath before the plunge-ing, can't hardly breathe around her-ing, beautiful moment-ing, true love-ing story



[[it is none of those things|past]]

it's a replay of all your past fuck-ups

told in present tense as if you have some semblance of choice

in veering this in the right direction,

in trying to go right when you know you went [[left]].

choking



[[expect anything]]

[[oh that's right you met her at the bar]]

chastity devices



[[expect anything]]

handjob



[[expect anything]]

It takes days for her to cool off. Somewhat. Okay, not really. Her days alone had been spent trying to transition from feelings of rage to anguish. You sit together in your living room.



Her head's on your lap. You brush your hand through her hair. Her eyes are red from crying. It's not right that you're the hurt and the comfort all the same. No one deserves to be on both sides.



"I stopped going to the club," you say to soothe her. "I deleted her number." You're not lying. You're in the process of forgetting her name.



"I gave you everything you fucking wanted." She stops talking to suck down a sob.



"I know."



"<html><i>Everything.</i></html>"



"Yeah." [[Numbness]] washes over you.

But nothing happens. You open your eyes back up and she's at her car door. Her posture's stiff. Did you do something wrong? Isn't not kissing after the first date a 'kiss of death' to any blossoming relationship? You bring your hands to your scarf to fix it.



"I'll see you around," she says. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes. If anything, she looks scared.



"See you." You give her a weak wave. After she drives off, you stand alone in [[the parking lot]] for a while.



"You're right. I am a bitch." Why deny it? You've never been a saint. You've always been a gutter rat, floundering around.



You don't know how to get from Point A to Point B when it comes to anything. Maybe that's why you're fascinated by the Mars to Venus transformation. People start one way and end up another way, wholesale. They know what they want in life. They know how they're supposed to be.



They've got more guts, more courage than you'll ever have.



Silence covers the room. You wish you owned a clock, one that ticked as loud as the hammer in your chest.



She covers her eyes and starts stuttering, "L-Lynn, I think I might...um..."



<html><i>Don't say it.</i></html>



[[You brace yourself.]]

When she ordered chocolate, you couldn't resist handing her a packet of Splenda you'd been saving. She shoved you on the shoulders and you punched her playfully on the arm.



And then she put her hand on your face to guide you as she went in for a kiss.



Your stomach flips when you remember it. [[You stupid sap.|things can only get better]]

this [[coffee shop]] is pretentious. truth.



you're [[pretentious]], too. truth.



macy is blessed with the fortune to look much better in the daytime than in the darkness of the bar. truth.



in the light, you can see the way her eyes shine with appreciation that you even cared to show up at all. [[truth.]]

how much can you say about your bathroom stall rendezvous

not much

it wasn't enjoyable

maybe some parts of your body liked it

(you still came)

but those were body parts that weren't in sync with the rest of yours

your mind's never quite with you in situations like those



would she have backed off if you told her you were taken? she could've shared part of the blame in that case



you have a poor sense of self-control

[[poor poor poor|her details]]

You have a similar taste in films, which is good.



So when Exotica Thrasher Babes IV came out weeks ago, you knew you had to see it with Macy. She wasn't having it. You begged. You whined. You kissed her enough to make her neck turn red. Still, she wouldn't budge.



"I'll buy you a large popcorn and a blue icee if you go."



"And pretzel nuggets," she grinned.



"Fine!"



It took a lot of cash, but you had her in the [[movie theater]] like you wanted.

lately you've had [[deeper conversations]] with her other head than the one on her shoulders



is this what happens to every 2?

they start to become 8s

so pressurized and tight in the middle

until they pop open like sad 9s



she finishes her call

[[and then you get busy]]

macy's dealing with a rough client

someone who wants a logo for their burger place

you [[try to hug her]] while she's on the phone

but she shrugs you off

you're too much of a distraction



you text the other girls while you wait

might as well do something fun

you lay back on the couch and look at the ceiling



your lease will be up in a few months

you have to decide if you want macy's name on the next one



[[shouldn't the answer be obvious by now]]

deep deep deep

connections

deep deep deep

connections

deep deep deep

connections

deep deep deep

connections

deep deep deep

connections

deeper&deeper

connections

"conversations"

"discussions"

deep [[deep|shouldn't the answer be obvious by now]] deep

you know her school acted funny when she came out. they made her change in the nurse's room. eventually, she pulled a medical excuse to get out of gym entirely. no, that was a blogger. that wasn't macy.



you know she announced her transition at an assembly in front of her 8th grade class. it was a powerful moment. people were brought to tears. kids were confused. no, that was someone you friended on facebook. that wasn't macy.



you know she wanted to hack it off. she wanted to get rid of what she called her "outie," because it wasn't what girls were supposed to have. girls were flat. girls go inwards. she wanted to be that way too, to have a resting space inside. no, that was a vlogger. that wasn't macy.



you know her sisters dressed her up in frilly outfits. you know they supported her and always treated her like a sister, not a brother. you know it's her parents that don't fully understand it but she still communicates with them. yes. finally, that fact was macy's. [[the most shallow of facts.]]

anal

the new frontier



[[expect anything]]

You lean in.



Music that clashes with the scenary blasts out of Macy's bag. You stop. You crash out of that bubbly high you were on as she takes her time to search for her phone. Did she pack her entire house into her purse?



The poppy ringtone comes to an end before she finds it.



"I think my friends are looking for me," [[she sighs]].

Hitachi Magic Wanding

god dammit why don't you own one



[[expect anything]]

a trick where you rub the skin between her balls and her dick or something

you should've written that one down



[[expect anything]]

At the [[zoo]]? Magnetized. Walking in a park? Magnetized. Going to a [[movie]]? Magnetized. You took things slow with her. It feels so highschool, so corny, but in a thousand ways, it's not at all. Taking things at this speed is a nice change of pace from your usual



meet

greet

fuck

goodbye



[[routine]].

fingering the only hole she's got



[[expect anything]]

discovering her P-spot

that's a prostate, right?



[[expect anything]]

creampie

she's probably sterile

it might be ok

in a stupidly irresponsible way



[[expect anything]]

you're sweating and you can't calm down



[[BREATHE|breathe.]]

these pleasures that you're swapping

they're mapped out and insincere

you're following along a geographic magazine

and flipping through her pages

nationally,

naturally.



curves and scars act like gridlines for your fingers to follow

but there's no name for your tongue to taste

no grip for your memory to hold onto



nothing of substance

only marks that will last longer than these [[fleeting feelings]] will

you don't get it

you've educated yourself on everything

you're following blogs, vlogs, all of that

people can be so forthcoming with their transitional videos

to strangers on the internet

but here you are with a girlfriend

who is more content to talk about everyday life

than she is her transness



why doesn't she bristle up with rage in the same way you do

why doesn't she retweet about the many transwomen unfairly imprisoned

why isn't she a social justice ANYTHING

these are her people [[these are her people]] these are her people

"I keep the bar low." You're too relaxed to watch what you're saying. Macy puts her elbow on the table and leans on her hand. She covers her mouth. "What?"



"Sounds like you're not used to having a good time." She's peering at you closely.



"You never know with some people. It's a wild world out there."



"Is your world limited to that weird dyke bar? I can see how that'd be pretty wild."



"It's not <html><i>that</i></html> weird of a place. I met you there. You're not weird." It's hard for you to disagree with Macy, though. The place is weird in the sense that it's seedy. It's the underbelly of locales. "Why were you even there if you think it's so [[weird]]?"

call her text her find out where she is she is keeping tabs on you too she calls you she texts you she is in your apartment constantly sometimes she gets there before you even do so you gave her [[your spare key]] and it is comforting yes it is comforting to come back from work and [[see macy on the couch]] yet at the same time you wonder what it would be like if she was no longer there like a sudden [[poof poof goodbye girlfriend]] will you still call her text her run to her side join her for coffee give her a massage if she becomes a friend or will you fuck her if she becomes girl not friend because you are not good at friendships with exchanges like that and come to think of it you are not that good at girlfriendships with exchanges like the ones you have made between you and macy [[do you really feel tethered in the grip of a lover or are you saying that to sound smart|you're losing sight of what 2 should be.]]

So many questions are rolled up on the tip of your tongue, amassing like a wet ball of anxiety.



What bands does she listen to? How does she normally spend her Fridays? Does she come here a lot? Why haven't you seen her before? Is her hair always this nice or is it a special occassion? Why is she having a virgin drink? Is she someone's designated driver? Who did she come here with? Who will she go home with? Will it be you or some other schmuck that will come out of the weeds and go in for the kill? Can she tell how nervous she's making you? Can she tell she's got you on her hook? Is she playing a game with you? Where is she from? Does she live nearby? How far away is her place? Is your place closer than hers? Can she tell that your hands are starting to sweat? Is she starting to sweat? Are her jokes hiding her nerves? Is she in the same boat as you are? How often does she try to pick up girls who are drinking alone? Is this a regular thing for her or are you some special exception? Who is [[Macy]]?

you take a shower afterwards and watch the water go down the drain

water and muck and feelings

and bitter thoughts about 1s and 1s and 2s and 2s



how many feelings have been pulled into drains

when you clear a drain there's more than just hair and grime there

[[there has to be]]

Hate her? There's lots of things you hate, but you wouldn't count Macy as one of them. "I don't hate you. I don't care if you're a dragon. I'm just...fuck, I told you already. That closet bullshit just pisses me off. Reminds me of when I was younger." You put more water on your face. "I'm sorry. I was an asshole."



"You get the worst mouth when you're drunk."



"And you're a dragon. Deal with it."



She smiles sadly. "I'm not a dragon. [[I'm just trans.]]"

<html><h1>8.5.</h1></html>



You suppose it's time to re-evaluate

everything that Macy ever meant to you



You think about the strongest part of your outline

the one hard-lined under and over the covers



How much effort did you put into filling in [[her details]]?

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#sidebar #title { color: #CBD271; }

a:link { color: #CBD269; }

#sidebar li{ color: #CBD271; }



.passage {

\tfont-size: 190%;

}



/////**#99173C

You decided to be a cheeseball and do the firework trick, the one where you stretch out your arms and move your fingers like fireworks in front of your date's vision.



You messed up and poked her in the eye.



She cried from the popcorn salt on your finger.



She never did finish her pretzel nuggets...



So, that became another [[inside joke]] for you both. Your girlfriend is a pirate dragon.

(you identify as female or something because that's what everyone always said you were. you look like X so that means you're an X. XX chromosomes means female. XY means male. but your sex and your gender aren't always the same. YOU CAN BE BORN A MARS AND BE A VENUS. YOU CAN BE BORN A VENUS AND BE A MARS. you are a venus, venus. there are mars to venus women in this world. female. female. venus. venus. male? male? some people are so angry online it is scary why are you reading the comments section again.



they fill up on hate and go on stupid sites and what's a TERF and what makes it bad? turf. stay off of my lawn. surf and turf. well, lynn, you've been surfing all your life and now here's some turf for you. you're so fucked up. a TERF is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist, you idiot. get with the program. get focused. how do you exclude certain women from women's only places and not others? oh that's funny, transmen are ok because they are seen as women and transwomen aren't ok because they are seen as men. that is backwards. you've got your mars and venus reversed.



why the fuck are you on these blogs? you got here because you are wondering how you identify. if she took a journey to become she, then why shouldn't you? why shouldn't you question yourself, too? [[DID SHE EVEN TAKE A JOURNEY OR DID MACY JUST KNOW?]])

observing your relationship

becoming more physical than emotional overtime

is that a terrible thing? is there some type of bond between you two that's gotten messed up because of that

you didn't notice that you were talking that much less

it's just the easiest way to show her that you appreciate her

that you have feelings for her

strong feelings that scare you sometimes

[[strong feelings that could begin with an L but you're not sure|"That was a pre-reward."]]

<html><i>thump</i></html>

<html><i>thump</i></html>

<html><i>thump</i></html>

<html><i>thump</i></html>

[[thump]]

[[macy runs the bath water]]

she doesn't break eye contact

does that make stripping easier or harder?

she undoes her belt

she unzips her pants and unpeels them from her smooth legs

she's wearing your favorite pair of underwear

this is about as much as you've ever seen



her ears are red



"i'm going to get in," she says while turning. she pulls down her undies and steps out of them then into the tub with a soft splash. "come in."



[[so you do.]]

<html><a href="http://twitter.com/kaleidofish">kaleidofish</a></html>

"One of my friends turned 21," Macy says. "That place is one of the only gay lady bars in the city. Men get the most fun ones. I don't get why we have to deal with such a divey place."



"Well, you said it, it's a dyke bar. It attracts a certain clientele."



"Aw, look at the Business major using her words." She jokes.



"Shut up, Sugartits."



She nearly chokes on her sugar-coffee. "What did you just call me?"



"Er, sorry, it just kind of slipped out." You try to backpedal. "It was because of the sugar thing and yeah. Didn't mean to be [[offensive]]."

green light was above the waist

yellow light caution was the hip area

red light was below the waist



you were mildly disappointed when it didn't respond, spark to life the way you read it would

{fascinating creature, the way it can flag its arousal}



your green light on the other hand...

was [[everywhere]]

It's hard to sit so close to her when all you want to do is jump her

to have her under you or on top of you

it's so weird for you to have sex be this available



no bar, no dresses, no nights pressed against bathroom walls

you've nearly forgotten the taste of your favorite nameless drink



it's so weird how you can straddle her

slide your arms around her neck

[[and kiss her so freely and willingly]]

<html><h1>7.</h1></html>



do relationships have to be like cages

do you have to be [[tethered in the grip]] of a lover

can you truly ever be free

([[and do you want to be?]])

"macy, can i kiss you?"



"mmhm."



you move closer to her, careful of her lap. it takes you a few moments of kissing her to realize that she's shaking, and that that's not a moan. that's a sob. you give her some space, unsure of what to say or do.



you find yourself wishing for your favorite drink again. this is difficult.



"i don't know why i'm crying. sorry."



"it's okay. take your time."



she shields herself with one hand and [[wipes her tears]] with the other.

"If that's all you wanted, then you shouldn't have bothered with that date bullshit. I don't have time for that, okay?"



"You're being a baby."



"And you're being the worst kind of tease." You tilt your head back and swallow a mouthful of your drink. "I don't date. I don't get dressed up in scarves and skirts and stupid jackets for dates."



"No, you just wear fuck-me dresses and wait for girls to take you home." Macy crosses her arms. "Can you even bend down in that bandaid you're wearing?"



"You don't even fucking know me. Why won't you [[leave me alone]]?"





<html><i>if you love her

<br>you'll let her go

<br>if you love her

<br>you'll let her go</i></html>



but you're garbage of the worst kind

selfish && supportive

{when it suits your needs}



can you pretend that she's selfish too

that she chased after you

and put an ill-fitting collar on you?

can you pretend that she tamed that

which should not be tamed?



she made you into a dependent house cat

was she selfish or foolish?

can you pretend that she FORCED you to become something that you always wanted to be [a better person than you are]

deep down?



[[your stomach twists]]

<html><h1>2.</h1></html>



does 2 resent 1 for being so standalone?

does 2 with its curve hate the sharpness of 1?

1 is the beginning. 2 is the continuation.

you can't have 2 without 1 and 1.



the premier, the starting line.



does 2 ever want to scrape the 1ness from itself

so it can become another 1 all on its own?



does 2 want to bend and snap and break

and ruin itself so it can become its own start

its own beginning its own premier its own [[starting line|all on its own]]?

"I wanted to kiss you, but the last time I kissed a girl like you, they freaked out on me and left." Macy glances at the locked door.



"Why's that? Are you a dragon?" You giggle to yourself.



"What? Can you splash some water on your face? There's a sink right there."



"Hey, what do you mean by a girl like me?" You make it to the sink without tripping. Why couldn't she have confronted you earlier in the night? No, she had to wait until you were about four and a half drinks deep. You turn on the faucet and stare into the stream.



"You don't identify as [[queer]], do you?"

You blink. Is she joking?



She looks at you, expecting an answer.



She's not joking. She wants to date you.



You, a stranger in a shady bar who has to find her confidence in the bottom of a glass. You, a girl in her early 20s who's still stuck in her sophomore year of college because her job doesn't pay enough and she can't find any better work because she doesn't have a degree.



You, who likes being skin to skin with people you've only known for an hour or so, and prefers it when they're gone in the morning. You don't have many eggs to spare. A dozen eggs can last you about a week when you're living alone.



This bar isn't the place to ask for a proper date. This isn't the place for girls to say things like that. You want to take in more of your drink, but you finished it on your [[last swig]].

<html><h1>8.</h1></html>



8 can be a circle with a twist in the middle

or a cinched-in O



it can be two spinning wheels on top of each other

it can be one being tied up

or two smooshed, collided together



[[8 is up to interpretation]]

an apartment key is one thing

expectations of seeing her and being with her everyday are other things

but this is like the final barrier

and like some sick, obsessed person you lick your lips

as thoughts and images filter through



{all of your one-handed "research"

on what to do with it}



she takes off her shirt

then her bra that helps boost her cupsize a letter

cute

there are starfish on them

but now the bra's on the floor

[[and her B-sizes suit her frame so well|k]]



for as supportive as you are

you are just as selfish

and you are needy



high-risk, high-reward. crash & burn. commitment phobic. you lined up all your sensibilities for her and she still went for you.



toys are ok. but never on her. everything is for you.

but being a pillow princess for so long is making your neck hurt.



stone wasn't [[what you signed up]] for.

10 can be a start too

it has a 1

it has its starting line



it's a beginning that has a history to it

it's got its scuffs and marks and bruises from being

a 0, a 1, a 2, a 3, a 4, a 5, a 6, a 7, an 8, & a 9



[[that's what makes it stronger]]

Do you even have [[a black and gray portrait]] of her,

something that can [[define Macy]] among all the other Macys of the world?



You gathered just enough details to justify being with her but you never took the next step

You kept your own details close to your chest



Sex became both your mode of communication and your medium of asphyxiation,

choking out most of what could have been

so you settled for an [[acquaintance]] who kept herself low hanging

and as [[generic]] as your frenzied Google searches made you expect

now that you've reached 7...



you know so much about a {concept} now

but you're still so clueless

about where to go about your own identity



idiot...



you have the outline down

you know macy's outline

you know she's a woman of secrets

and you know the outline of your relationship to be some fraying thing at the edges

[[when things get old they can naturally fray]]

The drive is quiet and nice

Macy doesn't play music when she drives



She has to help you get your key in the door

She looks so worried

so scared

so concerned

poor Macy someone needs to give her a hug...



She finds your pajamas and lays them out for you



your apartment looks embarassing

this is so awkward

there's a toy on your desk staring at you

at her

at you

at her and you and thinking about how easy it would be for you 1s to become 2s in [[the heat of passion]]

She doesn't make a move on you

but she doesn't stay the night, either



She tucks you into bed and leaves

[[like any other lover you've ever had]]

You tell her about growing up near Denver as the only child in the shadow of many cousins. You let her in on your coming out story, about how your mom found Misty (yes, that orange-haired Misty) hentai on your laptop and you just blurted out everything. You were one Internet savvy eleven year old.



You skim the details on your highschool years. You mention the one or two boyfriends you never got past first base with and the three girls (no girlfriends) you ran all the bases with. You don't lie when you tell her that you never want to go back there. You don't want to step foot in Colorado again. You prefer it here so much more.



You even tell her what Lynn is short for.



You skip out on telling her about your most recent exes and keep your stories more focused on your teenage years. She offers some of her own, laughing at herself and how fumbly she used to be.



"Fumbly can be cute," you say.



"With an [[understanding]] person. How understanding are you?"

"I wouldn't know. I didn't watch the cartoon," she drums her fingertips along your arm. Your sleeve's covering the series of [[lotus flowers]] you have there. "Heh, is that how you make everyone fall for you? You mix up their names with children's books?"



"It's a conversation starter."



"It's not a starter when we've been talking already." Her hand retreats and something in your chest tightens. "We've been talking for a while, actually. I like it."



<html><i>Do you want to try talking somewhere else?</i></html> is what you should ask her.



Instead, you take a [[swig]] of your bubbly drink and look away to steady yourself.

what does her leaving you mean?

do you go back to your old ways?

or has this relationship of yours changed you

so you can't do things in your old way anymore?



there are the BM [before macy] days

and the AB [after macy] days

this is a thing now that she's glued into your brain



poof poof goodbye girlfriend

[[is a scary thought|tethered in the grip]]

those numbers did not depict the tale of girl meets girl in the most wonderful of ways



those numbers did not contain the story of racing hearts, crackling sparks, and chaste kisses in the darkness



those weren't the numbers representing a hand holding, be there for her always-ing, knock her off her feet-ing, deep breath before the plunge-ing, can't hardly breathe around her-ing, beautiful moment-ing, true love-ing story



[[they were none of those things]]

and the response arrives in the form of her fingers holding yours

guiding yours

and gently wrapping them around her base



[[Oh.]]

<html><h1>4.</h1></html>



you figure that this 1+1=2 dance between you two can't get much worse from here

[[things can only get better]]

"Isn't that the name of a mouse?" You tease her.



You had one of those books when you were a little girl. You used to flip through the pages for hours, taken in by the awkward way the cartoon animals' heads were always side-turned. They had to [[shift right and left in profile mode]], never walking into the foreground.



"That's Maisy," she says in a way that makes it clear that there's nothing mousy about her. Her [[eyes]] are all lionness and her [[grin]] is all wolf.



"Oh, I always pronounced Maisy like Macy." You curl your fingers around your [[half-empty]] glass.

Macy, who could've been Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John in her past life.



{but isn't life a continuous thing so how could her life be in the past it is more like she moved along the gender spectrum to become who she is today or is she a steadfast type, like she is a 1 who always knew she's a venus-flavored 1



but her past life has stuck with her it is sticking to her it is with her between her legs and look at her face, look at how confused she looks she just thinks she's here to watch a movie and here you are, thinking about all the ways you could unhook her bra you're so much more used to buttons than joysticks but you're a fast learner you can game this well too}



"Y-yeah. Did you [[pick a movie]]?"

"then ask," you say.



"i did." oh, macy.



"are you still happy with me?"



or is she trapped in a routine where she's too scared of a life without lynn, like you've become this thing that she can't scratch out of herself



"yeah." there's no passion in her reply. it's not even a <html><i>YES</i></html> with the power to soar to the rooftops. "i'm happy with you."



"me too."



[[something is crumbling.]]

"And?"



Macy doesn't look like she was expecting you to say that. Then again, she also looks like she didn't want to unearth her secret to a drunk in a bathroom meant for sloppy hook-ups. "And...it can be weird for some people. I would've told you during the date but I kinda got caught up in the moment."



"Too much sugar." You shake your head. The room moves in the other direction. "I don't care. I still want that kiss and, um, the second date."



"Do you drink this much every night you're here?"



"Please don't be mad." You shield your face with your arms.



"I'm going to take you home. [[Where do you live?]]"

snowballing

whatever the fuck that is

you're too scared to figure it out



[[expect anything]]

and how does she like to be touched

does she want to be man-handled

stop. stop. don't say shit like that.

you like it rough but what does your girlfriend like

you're not one for slow and passionate



you're a master of the art of quick fucking



mistress of the bathroom stall

tramp of the squeaky boxspring mattress

queen of the pull-panties-down-and-lift-up-dress



you're not girlfriend material and yet this goddess thinks you are and [[you don't get it]]

"I'm not moving. I'm not going to let the goose win!"



Macy brought her cheese fries closer to her body. "Okay. If you're not moving, I am."



"You can't leave me here with this goose!"



The goose quacked. The noise was guttural, like the cross between a duck and a dinosaur. The feathered thing was feral. Before you could guard your ketchup-drowned fries, the beast launched its head forward.



Your fries went flying.



And that became another [[inside joke]] for the two of you.

she lounges there

she sprawls out there

she does her graphic design work there

she touches you there

she naps there

even though you have a perfectly fine bed

(it's too big to sleep alone in)

she rests there

she's approachable there

she's comfortable there

[[you're glad to see her there|tethered in the grip]]

"I love you, Macy."



<html><i>and you can't let her go</i></html>



That night, you [[cried to sleep]] in each other's arms.

They're almost a golden-brown. The color's so striking that you're tempted to [[ask]] her if she's wearing contacts.

you grip onto this new woman's shirt

she's leading you to another room

<html><i>somewhere where we can talk,</i></html> she lies

she calls you pretty

she says anyone would be lucky to have you

<html><i>lynn is a beautiful name for a beautiful girl</i></html>

she's lying

she keeps lying

why doesn't she understand that you don't care?



[[You're needy.]]

"I mean, like coffee. I want to get to know you. It doesn't have to be a big deal thing." For the first time in the night, she seems flustered. "Can I have your number?"



You take her phone and add yourself to her contacts. Why not? Why not see something through for once? You have to admit to yourself that you'd like to see where this could go.



After all, <html><i>some</i></html> of her jokes were actually [[funny]].

You make her stop by making out with her,

the popcorn and the stupid movie soon forgotten.



You've gotten hot and heavy with her like this before,

but since tonight's the night, you're going to push the limits.



You sit in her lap and breathe your command into her ear,

[["touch me."]]

you're sad, lonely, and needy drunk

are you the same when you're sober?

you knew your vice as soon as you took your first sip that night

you knew you were tumbling downhill

you knew exactly what would happen

and you did it anyway

[[there's no excuse|Numbness]]

"Sometimes, I think we have sex more than we talk." Macy nervously plays with her bottom lip. "I'm not mad about that. I'm just [[observing]]."



"I like it."



"I like you. A lot."



"And I like you a lot, too."



"Great! Glad we established that." She grins, sweeping the awkward moment under the rug. "Now, let's [[get back|8 is up to interpretation]] to some more Photoshop."



You follow her to the nearby parking lot. Her car has a dent in it. More than one, actually. You don't miss the chance to make a joke about it.



"What did you do, run too many red lights? You know they make traffic lights for a reason."



She pulls you by your scarf, bringing you closer to her. You look up at her, acutely aware of your height difference and how easy it would be for you to lean up and meet your lips with hers. Her mock glare softens, and your eyes slowly [[close]] in anticipation...

It's filled with the stench of starving artist and dreams too rich for anyone's blood. A boy with a Newsie hat on huddles over his laptop screen. He's fiddling with his hands like a squirrel. A girl sits alone in the corner, staring down at a smaller screen. Her glasses enhance her looks, but you can't acknowledge that, not while you're on a date of your own. A young couple chats animatedly on the other side of the shop, trading their mocha choca latte cappucino frappawhatevers back and forth.



[[truth.|all on its own]]

b

e

a

u

t

i

f

u

[[l moment|l]]

a bullet vibe on her balls



[[expect anything]]

is your apprehension to fuck her because you're afraid you'll break something



are you afraid to be rough with it



how much of a beating can she handle

you know you can handle one [you know you crave it]

can she [does she want it that way]



straight porn is confusing when you use it as research for queer sex



(does this count as queer sex or lesbian sex? your brain was too intoxicated to understand the nuances of what macy had been saying



if you're a lesbian having sex with a queer person does that automatically make it queer? is it queer if your girlfriend is trans? is it lesbian if your girlfriend is a girlfriend? it's not like anyone says transgirlfriend. that's kind of rude and demeaning, right? girlfriend. that's who macy is. she's a girl. you met her as a woman so she is a woman and she uses all the she pronouns SEE YOU DID YOUR RESEARCH YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB and that means she's a she because that's how she identifies but [[HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY]])

And they did. You met up for [[ice cream]] and stopped denying that there was some kind of spark between you two that was worth looking into.



<html><i>I want to get to know you better</i></html> is the adult way of saying <html><i>I have a crush on you. I'm into you.</i></html> And you'd been saying that from the beginning. If being a drunken mess wasn't putting an end to whatever it was the two of you had, then what would?



Some type of electricity kept you close to one another. It became your [[inside joke]].

"were you holding your breath?"



"yeah..."



"don't," your voice strains. "you'll get dizzy. here, wanna try something hot?"



"this is pretty hot," she laughs then bites her lip in concentration.



"try rolling your hips."



mmm

yep

[[like that...]]

ball gags

blindfolds

rope



[[expect anything]]

It takes you an hour to learn the wonders of image manipulation. You know the shortcuts to duplicating an image, stretching it out, rotating it, skewing it, moving it around, and a bunch of other things. They're called transformations, or something. You kind of zoned out during the lesson because you were trying not to put your tongue in your teacher's mouth.



"See? You got it. Photoshop <html><i>can</i></html> be easy," Macy says encouragingly. "Our next lesson can be on fonts. That way, you can put text all over the forest you just made."



"Do I get a reward for getting it right?" You slide your hand across her abdomen.



"Didn't you get one this morning?"



[["That was a pre-reward."]]

you keep your arms hooked through hers on the way to the restaurant

you keep your hand on hers as you eat

you keep your foot near her ankle

you keep your body close to hers when you hug

[[you fit all of your lanky pieces together like a tetris combination]]

Look at you, dolled up in a scarf, smart jacket, skirt, and combat boots. Aren't you a sight for pretentious eyes? You fit in here as well as any other patron. You'd easily be lost in a crowd of pretension. Dress to impress by dressing like the rest. Can't you feel the tension in your jaw at that fact? Are you getting annoyed at yourself for trying to look nice? Why deny the [[truth|all on its own]]?

blowjob with your cheeks all sunken and looking up at her



[[expect anything]]

the [[spring semester]] starts up and you're back in school

macy pushes you to [[hit the books]]



the thought of being a real team with her makes you giddy

a digital marketer and a graphic designer

you make a decent 8



she [[stays up late]] with you

teaching you the Adobe Suite

[[you give her kisses in return]]

deepthroating with a nasty weird sound effect



[[expect anything]]

up against the wall

think she can lift you up?



[[expect anything]]

swallowing her cum



[[expect anything]]

doggy style with you facedown and ass up



[[expect anything]]

You were some silly girl sitting at the bar nursing a stupid bubbly drink waiting for her next lay to come around. And you thought she'd be it. How different would your story have been if she passed you by? How different would things be if she hadn't have rushed off to see her friends?



Would you have led her into the bathroom?



Would you have let yourself open up to her?



Would you have given her your body and none of your soul?



[[See it's hard to give up your soul when you don't have much soul available to give.]]

Getting inked the first time had hurt so bad that you didn't have it in you to get your arm finished. What you have right now are outlines of the flowers, waiting to be filled in. A good luck koi fish was going to be the centerpiece of the design, as if a sea creature fit in with a nest of plants.



What would Macy say if she saw your unfinished work? Laugh? Kiss you and then call you a big baby that's too comfortable doing things [[halfway|half-empty]]?



That's your fatal flaw. Your twist of the knife, plain for the world to see.

her shoulders are slumped

her head is down

she watches the tub fill up

you stand in the doorway



"is something wrong?"



how could there be? you take her on dates regularly. she has your key. you've become an advocate for her...for a concept of her, for an outline of her. you've gotten better at keeping your place clean for her.



[["that's what i want to ask you."|uhoh]]

"You're the problem. I don't want to be with someone who's in the closet. I've had enough of that, thank you." You gesture to the bartender for another drink. She gives you a look. You give her a stronger one, and she goes on with making you a new bubbly whatever-it's-called. "You invite me out, act all friendly, and then get cold feet. I'm done with that."



That last drink hit you harder than you thought. All of the bubbles have burst through your filter.



"I'm not in the closet." She points to a rainbow bracelet on her wrist.



"Good job. You're wearing rainbow in one of the gayest places in town."



"Fuck you." She bites her lip. "Can we talk somewhere more quiet?"



You raise your [[eyebrows]].

<html><i>Anything</i></html> is a tall order. It's tempting to figure out what her limits are. There has to be something she wouldn't answer on a first date.



(She won't answer any questions you're not supposed to ask on a first date. Don't be rude.)



You decide to [[ease]] into the deeper questions later.

<html><h1>6.</h1></html>



you're getting this strange notion in your head that her struggle is yours

you're taking every trans-related hit personally

you're joining blogs

forums

you're reaching out and communicating with people

[[TRANS ASTERISK & ALLIES]]

<html><h1>3.</h1></html>



"I knew I'd find you here."



You turn when you hear her voice. It's been a couple of weeks since you last spoke to her. Macy found you sitting at the bar where you two first met. You're nearly finished your fourth drink. It sure took her a long time to look for you in the most obvious place.



"Congratulations, Sherlock."



"What's your [[problem]]?"

<html><h1>2.5.</h1></html>



[[who is this woman in your bed]]

she lets you go and leaves.



you have to run water into your eyes to get yourself to cry.



her stuff is all over your apartment.



you clean up the magnets that fell on the floor.



you go to bed alone.

you wake up alone.

you go to class and come back and you're still alone.



[[idiot.|between]]

it isn't like you meant it to happen...



it was just that...

that other girl...

talked so passionately about this and that, about how she goes to every T*-related function there is, and how she never turns down a chance to go to a march...

and she was so forthright with her past...

and your drink had so many precious bubbles in it, enough to obscure your vision and make you see a woman that was {only a shadow of your girlfriend} as being worth your time...



bathroom stall...



[[how could you be so stupid?]]



Oh.



So, she didn't come here alone.



"Are you going?"



"I'm their ride." Macy thumbs a message into her phone. She looks like she regrets being their driver as much as you're disappointed that your night has to end here. You'll have to find your release elsewhere.



"Okay. It was nice meeting you." The words slur out of you. You're making less of an effort to give each syllable the clarity it deserves. Looking and sounding good doesn't matter as much to you [[now]].

the heat of the bathwater is making you sweat

what a conundrum

she's kissing you again

you lean and splay your fingers across her ribcage

it crosses your mind

how easy it would be to crush her

to shove her against the wall

and take her like so many others have taken you

like how she's taken you with

mouth

fingers

toys

but not with that one...



[[she's so fragile]]

You wonder how many people slide through their lives that same way, just moving side-to-side like picture book characters.



It's not like you're a particularly outstanding foreground character yourself. Here you are, chatting it up with some woman named [[Macy]] in a smoky armpit of a bar on a Friday night when you're supposed to be hitting the town with the friends you don't have.



How <html><i>side-to-side picture book</i></html> of you.

<html><b>violence over violins</b></html>



could you break your hand on your bathroom wall

macy broke hers

you could do it too

one hard smash is all it would take



and by the time you have toweled off

the other woman is [[gone]]

<html><i>if you love her

<br>let her go

<br>if you love her

<br>let her go</html>



"I..."



Her honey brown eyes are hungry for an answer.



[[Give it.]]

"i haven't done this with many people, sorry."



so, you're special, one of the lucky ones. you feel good. you feel tingly. "don't worry about it. it's an emotional time for you." you repeat a line you read somewhere. you're an awful person.



"thank you..."



is she pre-op or non-op? what are her thoughts on the matter between her legs? will she stop you if you reach out for it and reveal yourself to be a liar? why are you so messed up? so desperate?



are you allowed to be supportive && selfish at the same time?

[[needy needy needy]]



<html><h1>1.5.</h1></html>



later that night, you find someone else less interesting

you don't care to know her name

you're not as picky when it's after 2 AM

nobody is



three more drinks have made your eyes swim

and your mouth makes funny shapes

outlines of beggars

panhandling for an exchange of touch instead of change



your mind is [[elsewhere]].

"How? It's the same thing. We're making our voices heard. Shouldn't we do this and stand up for ourselves?"



"I don't want to go." She sits up then pushes the article away. "What's gotten into you?"



"...Nothing."



You sit down [[beside her.]]

"i want to know <html><i>all</i></html> of you." you want to intertwine her story with your psyche. you want to devour her past. you want to absorb it and make it part of yours too.



"are you sure you're ready for that, lynn?" she stops the bathwater. the knob squeaks. she knows what you're insinuating.



"yes, i care about you."



do you? or is this your #7? is this your stand-on-top-of-the-line? you've been teetering close to the edge of falling but you haven't taken the plunge



not without knowing

[[not without seeing all of her]]

and you are her person,

looking at her from the doorway

as she looks down into the filling bathtub.



"why are you so different?" you say it before you can stop it from coming out.



"i'm the same way i've always been."



"you don't tell me anything."



[["you know so much about me."]]

[[idiot.]]

"What else do you want from me?"



"You're fine."



She chokes out a laugh. "Obviously, I'm not or you wouldn't have fucked her. Am I not enough for you?"



Your hand hesitates mid-brush. "I care about you, Mace. Don't say shit like that."



"Then why did you do it?"



You're not sure. "I was [[lonely?]]" And the girl was easy.



Another laugh. "You fucked her and then you came home and slept with me. Isn't that great?"



"I took a shower."



[["You're a bitch."]]

"No, it's hilarious." Macy's face turns red with suppressed laughter. "Seriously, hilarious. You're great. Hey, do you have the time?"



You glance at your watch. "Almost 6."



"Dammit, I have to go." She puts her head in her hands. "I've got to drive my friend somewhere. He's a mess."



"What kind of friend?" You pretend to crack your knuckles.



"Ooh, look at Miss Biz getting jealous already. That's hot." She takes out her phone. "A friend friend. I'd let you tag along but it's kind of personal."



"That's okay. I'll [[walk you out]]."

<html><h1>5.</h1></html>



Tonight's going to be the night. You've waited long enough. You've done your research on what to expect.



and the research says to [[expect anything]]

there are about a million ways she could be touched

and [[how she could react]]



your research was 20% of the important things

60% of PIV porn

10% tr**** porn (what a messed up label)

10% tacky lesbian porn



you're [[sweating]]

<html><h1>7.5.</h1></html>



heat

heat

overwhelming heat



you're hip to hip

and full of her

you groan when she shifts



her arms are on either side of your head

and she's leaning over you

her eyes keep fluttering closed

she's all [[breathy]]...

After walking around for a while and freaking out about the baby animals, you stopped at the food court. Macy got herself some cheese fries and you got yourself some plain fries to smother ketchup all over. It was when you sat down at a table together that you discovered that you weren't alone.



No.



There was a horror waiting for you. A demonic beaked horror known as a goose. It practically sat in your lap, it was so close. It wanted the fries and dammit, it was going to have the fries.



"Lynn, [[do something]]!"

would her shading have been smoothly done

would you have blended in the colors nicely

it's all black ink, isn't it?

there's no actual gray

it's all about how it bleeds into the skin



permanence

can't seperate-enence



[[her details]] are fading.

"How'd you make it through 'til graduation?" You wonder.



"Architecture killed me. Graphic Design saved me," she shrugs. "Are you sure you're in the right major?" She flips her pencil over and starts erasing her stray lines.



"I am. I'm just waiting for the fun stuff. This..." You hold up your Finance notes. "This is the worst. Why would a marketer need to do this?"



"You have to be able to track your sales so you know which campaigns are the best." Macy rubs your arm. "You'll survive. Trust me. If I made it through Physics, then you can get through Finance."



[["Physics?"]]

[[Inhale]] through your nose.

missionary so intimate so intimate



[[expect anything]]

"Hey, there's a Trans* March happening on the 23rd. Do you want to go to it?" You drop the newspaper on the coffee table. Macy's got her legs stretched out on the couch. If someone was feeding her grapes, she'd look like a queen.



"Nope, I'd rather not."



"Why?" <html><i>They're your people,</i></html> you think with your thought speared at her.



"I'm not into marches." Macy fidgets.



"We went to the Dyke March together."



"That's [[different]]."

the LGBT club's interesting

it's got a neat assortment of characters

a few girls catch your eye

one of them is even of the T variety

you keep the conversation light and friendly

they don't know you're taken

so you do your best to be cordial

only on a surface level



[[keep it strictly surface level]]

she's still shaking

is she ready? is she forcing herself to do this?

<html><i>an emotional time,</i></html> that's what you said to her

and she was so grateful that you were understanding



it's getting harder for you to think

"is this okay?"

you put your hand on her thigh

and she kisses you harder

like she's trying to block it out



[[you need a more verbal response than that]]



"Oh? Are you planning on being a CEO or something?" She looks you up and down, like she's sizing you up. You bet she's trying to picture you in a boardroom, leading presentations and doing things like that. You and all of your scuzziness. "I didn't take you for the corporate type."



"Don't worry, I'm not. I want to do digital marketing for start-ups." You're trying hard not to smile. You don't want her to think you're not [[serious]] about your career goal.



"For crash and burn companies or do you want to stick with one for the longterm?" Macy doesn't ask like she doubts you. She seems genuinely interested. "Start-ups usually fail, don't they?"



"The companies might fail, but that doesn't mean the people themselves did. I'm into high risk, high reward." You stir the plastic stick into your drink. The cream swirls around the dark liquid. "And I'm not into commitment, either, so 'crash and burn' works for me. [[How about you?]]"

pretending is fine

until you remember

that this isn't [[a love story]].

You're not as alone as you thought. You just fooled yourself into thinking that the two of you were the only 2 in the area instead of 1 and 1 near a family of 1s passing by.



You've seen the bravest of women,

women who can do anything,

been brought to their knees

quivering and shaking and wavering

when confronted with the prospect of holding hands

in front of [[children]].

<html><h1>1.</h1></html>



<html><b>Laughter tastes bitter in a burnt mouth,</b></html>



and yet that's what you're continuously doing with this girl at the bar. You're tasting all of the bitterness and giving her all of your laughter even when her jokes aren't quite landing. There's something infectious about the way she leans on your arm.



It's got you comfortable enough to hover near her comfort zone.



Her name, she tells you, is [[Macy]].

"Are you okay?" Macy looks up at you. She's sitting on your rickety couch. You're holding a bowl of popcorn. The plan is to watch a stupid, one star Netflix Horror movie. Then, you're going to make your move like a horny teenager who spent way too much time thinking about this what is wrong with you why are you like this?



Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. [[This is Macy.]]

everyone has needs



and yours are being met in a thrust of stars exploding over your eyes



you won't remember her



or this fuck



but your back will remember



the tattoo of bruises it's getting from the [[wall]]

"Hm, I guess if I was just a work-for-hire it wouldn't matter to me what happened as long as I got paid." Macy shrugs, then changes her mind. "That's not true. I get easily invested in things."



"What do you mean?"



"I used to do logo designs for small businesses. Local shops, restaurants, things like that. I'd keep tabs on them even after I got paid." She brings her cup to her lips and gently blows. The steam dances from her breath.



"You're a graphic designer?" You lean forward in your seat.



"Yeah. See what you can find out when you're not in a bar?" Her cup blocks her grin from view, but it's apparent in her [[voice]]. "A whole wealth of knowledge, just waiting at your fingertips. Ask me anything."

and what did macy think she was signing up for

when she approached a ragged batch of bones at the bar

a SJBerserker waiting in the wings?



[[you're losing sight of what 2 should be.]]

you never quite made it in the L community so you want to try your hand at T

but could your GF please be a little less stealth

how do you wear your supportive, super understanding cis GF of a TGF badge if she passes so well?

how do you show off your credibility like that?



you can be a name.

you can be the face of this movement.

you can be the <html><i>hey hey look at me</i></html> poster child of love across [[gender lines]].

"I wish you were." She doesn't want to face up to the fact that you're a monster. It was purely your fault. "How am I supposed to be with you now? We're broken."



No longer a 2 but a 1+1. No longer an 8 but a 9.



"We can fix this."



"Can we?" Macy sits up slowly, moving away from you. You feel the cold instantly. "Do you [[love]] me?"

<html><h1>10.</h1></html>



[[10 is made up of a 1 and a 0]]

your arms are strong enough to hold her at night

but can you protect her from the statistics

the numbers the comments the everything

that you've kept yourself up reading?

wasn't everything so much more simple when you kept things PG-13

now you've entered the land of hard R, the land of NC-17 and now you're becoming rated heart



heart is a new rating you haven't explored before



how many stars would a heart-rated movie get on Netflix?



<html><b>or perhaps heart is a genre</b></html>

a [[rhythmic thump|how many stars]] that tries to sync

with the other half of your 2

and your girlfriend calls you a <html><i>chaser</i></html>

you don't know why that makes you angry enough to slap her



she grabs you by the collar

she lifts you off of your feet

she might beat the shit out of you



you're not scared



"fucking do it."



[[you don't deserve what happens next]]

is she a science experiment??? why are you treating her like one? she's still Macy

and yet here you are,

with chemical reaction metaphors on the tip of your tongue



alkaline and tungsten stemming from your late-night QWERTY bruises

there might be a remedy for that

it's called go to bed



stop being a girlfriend during the day

and a scientist at night

[[you're pathetic|See it's hard to give up your soul when you don't have much soul available to give.]]

You used to smile when you talked about your dreams to your parents. They used your smile to discredit your aspirations. It was another tool for them to knock you down with.



Your parents don't talk to you anymore, but when they did, they always railed on you. They were angry people who had it in their heads that you were wasting your time.



"You need to apply yourself more," they said. "You need to try harder," they said. "You need to take these courses," they said. "You need to get better grades," they said. "You're burning through our money," they said. "Your grades will help you get a job," they said. "Your employers will look at your GPA first," they said. "You need to get a job for your resume," they said. "Why are you wasting OUR time?" They screamed. "What happened to your dreams? Why don't you care about anything? What is wrong with you?"



Eventually, they [[cut you off|halted]].

you don't waste time

you tell macy everything

about how weak you are

about how you got drunk when you know you shouldn't have

how it didn't mean anything

just a release

just an old-time habit that was hard to break



macy's livid [understandably so]

she wants to know everything about that other girl

was she worth it? was she worth breaking the 8 into a 9?



{an 8 can be two wheels spinning next to each other

don't forget that

two distinct shapes instead of one shape squeezed}



you try and try to say no

[[she was a mistake|B9]]

"I wish I had your willpower," you glumly say to her one afternoon of studying. She's got a pencil behind her ear and another dangling out of her mouth. Macy's been sketching designs for hours. She's a bit old-school like that. She pencils things out, then transfers them to her laptop.



"It's easy to have willpower when you need to eat," she laughs. "Food and rent's a good motivator."



You nearly forgot that she's still paying rent at some other place that isn't yours. Sometimes she leaves you "money for pizza," which you know is her crafty way of helping you out with your utilities bill.



[[You flip the page in your textbook.]]

it's an exploration of the mind,

it's you trying to figure out which letter

A, B, C, or D

(E, all of the above)

you picked to make things go [[wrong]].