Secret Service head Joseph P. Clancy announced his retirement today amidst growing White House turmoil. Upon being congratulated for a successful and long-spanning career, Clancy said: "Look, President Bush was one thing, but I just can't take a bullet for this jackass."

As President Trump seemingly courts controversy locally and abroad, those in his inner circle question not only the safety of the nation on his watch, but their own personal well beings.

"I could handle Obama. The birthright claims, the crazy extremist adversaries, and all that. But this guy, President Trump, he's on track to get us all killed and I'm not going to go first," said Clancy.

Those who've served with and under Clancy, who was brought out of his position as the head of security at Comcast by the Obama administration, say he served with great dignity and garnered undying respect and loyalty.

"I'd take a President with an un-quenchable sexual appetite and a love of barbecue over a megalomaniacal reality TV star any day. With all due respect," Clancy continued.

Responsible for cleaning up the compromised Secret Service under Obama, Clancy is a firm believer in structure and pragmatism: "President Trump is a loose cannon, and if I'm gonna go down, I wanna go down with other Americans. Not in front of them. If I wanted to protect corporate interests I'd go back to Comcast."

When asked whether he would consider returning to active duty in the Secret Service under a new administration, Clancy said, "Unlikely. To quote Danny Glover, 'I'm too old for this shit.' Give me a Mai Tie and a nap. Besides, this may be the last administration in United States history. I want to have served for the last good one."