Since May, embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has made so many apologies that Toronto newspapers could run a column solely devoted to them. Sometimes these apologies have been heartfelt and have shown genuine remorse. Other times they seem forced and come off as deliberate non-apologies, the kind elicited by grade school teachers.

Recently Google announced that Rob Ford is the top trending topic for Canadian users in 2013. To commemorate this monumental achievement, here is a list of the Rob Ford apologies of 2013, in chronological order. Each of the apologies is rated for how sincere and remorseful his words are relative to the perceived need for him to apologize.

May 27:

Ford apologizes for calling reporters a “bunch of maggots” in a broadcast of his Newstalk1010 radio show.

“I’m sure you understand this has been a very stressful week for myself and my family, but that doesn’t justify using the terminology I did in describing the media. I sincerely apologize to each and every one of you.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 0 three crack rocks (out of five)

November 3:

Ford apologizes for appearing “hammered” in public and for texting while driving, which is illegal in the province of Ontario. This came shortly after investigators got their hands on the video of Ford appearing to smoke crack. His apology addressed the drunken party he threw at City Hall during St. Patrick’s Day and for his public inebriation at the Taste of the Danforth, a local festival.

“I have made mistakes. I sincerely, sincerely apologize to my family, to the citizens, the taxpayers of this great city and to my colleagues on Toronto city council.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 0 0 four crack rocks (out of five)

November 5:

Ford apologized for having smoked crack in a drunken stupor. This chronology begins to really heat up.

“I know what I did was wrong and admitting it was the most difficult and embarrassing thing I have ever had to do. To the residents of Toronto, I know I have let you down. And I can’t do anything else but apologize, and apologize.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 0 0 four crack rocks (out of five)

November 8:

Rob Ford delivers a statement in response to a video of a drunken, profanity-infused diatribe in which he threatens to beat up and or kill someone. He expresses regret, but it is questionable whether it is an actual apology.

“Obviously, I was extremely, extremely inebriated. I’ve made mistakes. I don’t know what to say.”

Contrition rating: 0 one crack rock (out of five)

November 14:

Rob Ford denies the allegations that he offered to perform cunnilingus on a female staff member, saying that he has “more than enough to eat at home.”

“I want to apologize for my graphic remarks this morning.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 0 three crack rocks (out of five)

November 18:

City council has a meeting to remove Ford’s mayoral powers in light of his crack smoking and murderous ranting. Ford declares “outright war,” and remarks, somewhat inexplicably, “You’ve just attacked Kuwait,” drawing a tenuous analogy to the 1990 Persian Gulf conflict. Soon after, the Mayor charges a spectator in the galley, bowling over Councillor Pam McConnel in the process.

“It was a complete accident. I do sincerely apologize to you, Councillor McConnell.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 two crack rocks (out of five)

December 17:

Ford apologizes for stating that members of the council were “corrupt.” He tries to withdrawal his comment, but speaker Frances Nunziata makes him apologize, which he does, very sarcastically.

“How about, ‘I am so sorry.’ Is that as good as I apologize? Or, ‘So sorry?’ Which one do you want, Madam Speaker? Like, ‘Super, super, super, super, super, super, super sorry? So sorry?’”

Contrition rating: 0 one crack rock (out of five)

December 17:

Rob Ford apologizes for insinuating that Toronto Star reporter Daniel Dale is a pedophile after Dale said he would pursue a libel charge against him. Ford’s circumlocutory apology did not satisfy Dale, however.

“It is unfortunate that the word I did not say has been ascribed to me by the media, but I wish to sincerely apologize again to Mr. Dale if my actual words have caused him any harm or personal offence.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 two crack rocks (out of five)

December 18:

Ford again apologizes for implying that Dale is a pedophile, but this time in clearer terms, leading Dale to drop the charge.

“I wholly retract my statements and apologize to Mr. Dale without reservation for what I said. Finally there was absolutely no basis for the statement I made about Mr. Dale taking pictures of children, or for any insinuations I made. I should not have said what I did and I wholly retract my statements and apologize to Mr. Dale without reservation for what I said.”

Contrition rating: 0 0 0 0 0 five crack rocks (out of five)

Will Rob Ford’s need for public repentance continue into the new year? Let us hope that the 2014 Chronology of Apology will not be as long and absurd as it was in 2013.

Editorial by K. Elsner

Sources:

Globe & Mail

MacLeans

Metro

Toronto Sun

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