Good conversation is something we all crave. Look at any dating website and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Being able to hold a deep meaningful conversation is something almost everyone looks for in a potential partner. But what makes a conversation good or interesting? To me, a good conversation is like a good meal. It leaves me completely satisfied after I have one while at the same time I’m looking forward to more. As with any well-prepared dish, there are several key ingredients that make a conversation enjoyable. Here is how you cook up an interesting conversation.

Make it Meaty

A good meal should have something substantial as its foundation. Let’s take a sirloin steak for example (sorry vegans/vegetarians, I couldn’t find a better metaphor). What makes it that good? The meat, of course. That is at the heart of this food. In the same way, how do you add weight to your conversation? By bringing emotions into it. For that to happen, you can’t just hang out at the surface level of a conversation, you have to dig in a little deeper. By engaging the other person to talk about their passions and interests, you are able to rev up their emotional engine. On the other hand, when you talk to someone without making any room for emotions, then they are going to get bored easily.

The reason a lot of conversation remains at surface level is because we are afraid of exploring beyond our safe limits. But without taking risks, we risk losing a deeper connection. A hearty meal is enjoyed thoroughly, with all of its layers. Similarly, there are several layers to a conversation and the deeper you go, the more flavorful and juicy it can get.

To begin with, simply start light. Rather than jumping into something serious right away, ask a few innocuous questions to get the conversation flowing. This is akin to heating the pan before throwing the steak onto it. Once your conversation pan is hot enough, start to indulge something more substantial. This can be achieved by discussing topics that are sure to fire up the emotional engines of your parties. These topics include dreams, aspirations, current challenges in careers and personal life, goals, things that make someone feel joyous, issues they are angry about, loss, fears, first time experiences, family, travel adventures, etc. They don’t have to be personal all the time. If there is a shared interest, then talking about philosophy, outer space, gun control or your even local sports team’s disastrous defeat can become a good focal point to converse about. But when discussing anything non-personal, be careful not to just thrown in facts and figures at someone. Make sure to notice the emotion behind those facts and try to bring them forward. Don’t turn it into a competition of who knows more than the other. A delightful meal is never a pie eating contest. A conversation is not necessarily a debate. Instead of competing, make it a point to understand your conversational partner first.

Use Condiments But With Caution.

Think of the last gratifying meal you had. Chances are, it not only had something substantial underlying it but also had some seasoning added to it. Now think about a good conversation you enjoyed in the past; chances are, it was filled with humor, laughter, eye contact, storytelling, physical touch, and gesticulation. A steak by itself is hard to relish. Even if it’s cooked well, without proper seasoning, it tastes bland. A conversation is subject to the same rules. Season your conversation with some humor and gestures. Emote your words. Use eye contact to ground yourself and the other person. Touch now and then; this goes for a conversation involving only men too. A handshake, high five, fist bump and hugs are all good examples of physical touch.

Experiment with different seasonings from your conversational pantry. But be aware of the danger of over seasoning. If you are only interested in making jokes with the hope of impressing the other person, then they are not going to feel the connection. It doesn’t make any sense to eat just the condiments without the meat. It can become cloying really soon.

Offer a Little Bit More

A well-prepared meal offers a lot more than the modicum. There are many side dishes and lots of attention to detail. A good conversation is similar; there’s a lot more talked about than the bare minimum necessary to get one’s point across. One easy trick to expand your conversation is to add more details. For example, when someone at work asks you how your weekend was, instead of saying “Great,” you could let them know what it was about it that made it great for you. Or if your weekend was just OK, what could have made it better? Cook up some sides; throw in a few different sauces to enhance your conversational meal. Give the other person the option of digging in for more. When they see you expanding your side of the discussion and not just answering yes or no, they feel compelled to share a story of their own.

Savor The Conversation

It doesn’t make any sense to go to an expensive restaurant and just stuff your mouth with their most highly priced item on the menu and then rush back home. Just as you would savor a nicely prepared meal, you should also try to savor the conversation. It is imperative that you hear the other person out completely before responding. Let their words hit you and your imagination. Let each word reach your senses as you try to build a picture of what they are talking about. Taste the different flavors of the sentences and their meaning. In our fast food culture, this is a quality that needs learning. Be sure to practice active listening.

Don’t be in a hurry to say something back, even if you have the perfect joke lined up. One of the simplest hacks I’m trying to implement these days comes from the following quote by Rick Hanson, in his book, Just One Thing.

“After someone finishes speaking to you, take a little longer than usual before you reply. Let the weight of the other person’s words — and more importantly, the person’s underlying wants and feelings — really sink in. Notice how this pause affects you — and affects the other person’s response to you.”

Some of us can’t wait to say something witty or something to neutralize the situation or to fill in the gaps and keep the conversation going. We don’t eat like that, so stop trying to stuff yourself and the other person with words without giving an opportunity to be captured by what just transpired. Remember, a multi-course meal consists of breaks and pauses. Slow down your pace of talking and slow down your response. The other person will pick up on this and feel your calm.

Bring on The Wine

I mean this one literally. A lot of good food is often paired with wine and other alcohol. Though I’m not a huge drinker myself (those days are long over; goodbye early 20s), I find that alcohol does help people lower their inhibitions and helps them say what’s on their mind. But, it comes with a warning. It must not be used as a crutch all the time. If your conversations always happen in the vicinity of a drink, then try and experiment with engaging in meaningful discussions without relying on any social lubricant.

A conversation is a shared meal. Take turns talking, ask each other questions, dig a little deeper, add details, sprinkle some humor, welcome silences and natural breaks and most importantly, savor the meal together.