A columnist at — as they say — another newspaper suggested this week that the multi-climaxing Rob Ford saga might have sprung forth from the fertile brain of William Shakespeare.

I’d propose a writer more surreal and satirical: Ionesco, Molière or Kurt Vonnegut. Add Joseph Heller to the list because the city has been yanked into a loop of Catch-22 absurdity, as only the Fords can stage-craft it.

The mayor isn’t running to keep his job, sidelined by chemo treatment for cancer. In a sane world, now that Ford’s serious ailment has been excruciatingly analyzed — with helpful anatomical graphics for your newspaper perusal — we’d all draw back, leave the mayor and his family to cope with a very private crisis. There’s still a shape-shifting election in the offing.

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But the Fords won’t let us move on, disencumbered of F-bombs — the endless strafing of Toronto by Ford calamities and outrages. Ford 2.0 has given us Doug Ford as proxy, vowing to win one for the Gipper while brother Rob waxes encouragement from his hospital bed, and doubtless from any other podium he can seize once released.

One way or the other, these Fords will continue to suck up all the air.

If Doug is Toronto’s next executive-in-chief, I’m the Duchess of Cambridge. It’s not even about that, though. This is pure political vindictiveness, the marauding Fords aiming to knock the momentum out of John Tory’s campaign. They’ve not forgiven Tory taking a bead on the mayor’s office, which all the polls indicate is well within the chronic also-ran’s grasp. In Ford World, this constitutes betrayal and ever-after avenging.

Doug’s vision for this city is as reactionary and divisive and mendacious — championing the anti-elites, my fanny — as his brother’s. He’ll merely warm over Rob’s bumper sticker slogans, boilerplate bromides and one-note jingo.

While D. Ford hasn’t actually hit the pavement yet — scheduled to start canvassing the family’s Ward 2 fiefdom Saturday — he clearly intends to campaign as a Rob clone in this bait-and-switch. “Considering I was part of putting Rob’s platform together, part of the team for four years, we’re going to keep it pretty well the same,” he told reporters before visiting his brother in hospital Friday afternoon.

We’ve yet to see Doug Ford in a formal electoral debate setting, since he hastily signed nomination papers last Friday.

“I’ve been ready for four years,” he said. “I’ve been debating for four years down at city hall, with a lot of different people.”

Well, debate is euphemism for Doug Ford’s incendiary rhetoric and bully slurs in the rotunda, before stepping outside to turn up the dial in front of TV cameras.

It’s possible Doug will be taking his position alongside Tory and Olivia Chow for a debate on Tuesday, one day ahead of the deadline by which police have been ordered by a judge to provide a list of any new search warrants filed in the Brazen 2 investigation of the mayor and his pal Alexander “Sandro” Lisi. The Star is seeking search warrant documents related to an alleged drug-fuelled night at the home of the mayor’s sister, Kathy, where Rob Ford purportedly pummelled Lisi until the guy wept.

Rob Ford’s legal maelstrom — arising from booze, crack cocaine, consorting with criminals — has nothing to do with Doug Ford, of course. His hands are clean. Only his knuckles have been bloodied in the 17-month fallout, his belligerent defence of kin throughout the mayor’s steady tick-tock of lies.

That entire psychodrama should have been shunted aside, or at least subsided as a factor in the election in the wake of Rob Ford withdrawing from the mayor’s race. Yet Rob insists on playing a distracting part in the vote chase.

While it was completely understandable that Ford would want to express his thanks to well-wishers, to issue avowals of his determination in overcoming cancer, the audio-recorded message released Thursday swivelled obnoxiously towards promo for Doug’s mayoralty bid.

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“Doug loves our city as much as I do. He’s prepared to tackle the issues head on. Last week I asked my brother to carry the torch and continue the work we started together. I’m happy that he’s agreed. Toronto needs Doug Ford as mayor.”

Torch singer Rob, with the Family Ford chorus doo-wopping in the background.

It is to gag.

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