Am I supposed to feel sorry for those exposed by the Ashley Madison security breach? Well, I don’t.

It’s not a moral judgment on my part; it’s just always painful watching people posturing as wild freethinkers, unfettered by convention. To my mind, AM subscribers come across as faux-sexual libertines – too wussy, miserly and/or timid to either have a proper, full-blown affair or hire a sex worker. The irony is that most of the women on the site are now said to be (ta-da!) sex workers. Either that or photographs of fake-women, who don’t exist beyond their beguiling “sexually available” pixels.

Then there’s the stupidity factor, and I’m sorry but it’s predominantly male stupidity. Unlike women, men were charged to enter (and indeed exit) the site, which might have given them a small clue as to what was going on. Which hinged on the same thing that’s always gone on – that it’s generally only men who go to such extraordinary lengths to get laid, because women simply don’t need to.

Some of you might have noticed from your own days of going to nightclubs how frequently females were let in for free, because that was the only way to get the (fee-paying) males in – and how the reverse never seemed to occur. As the Ashley Madison payment system shows, in some ways this never stops.

However “hot” or otherwise, however sexually driven or otherwise a woman might be, she knows she can always get sex – so long as sex is all she wants and she’s not too choosy about the partner. It’s in the female DNA – or at least this is the Ellen view – not to worry about obtaining sex, only about the quality of the sex (and the man). It’s a clear-cut marketplace issue. Women know that the supply will always be there and that the supply will always exceed the demand.

Let’s be clear: there aren’t hordes of insane, conceited, delusional women walking around, thinking: “I’m so hot that I can get any man I want!” The whole point is that women don’t have to be particularly hot to get sex.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Identity protection analyst Adam Levin says Ashley Madison members should come clean instead of waiting to be discovered or risking becoming the victim of extortion

While to a straight man being able to always get laid might look like a super-power, in reality it’s not, unless it truly doesn’t matter to a woman who she has sex with. Once you put desire (whom the woman might want) into the equation, this “power” is exposed for what it is – ultimately worthless. What does it matter to a woman that she could end up having sex with somebody/anybody from a bar/club/website if there’s no one that she’s interested in?

Moreover, if a woman wants something deeper, perhaps more relationship-shaped, then that’s where the game sharply changes and the playing field levels. This isn’t necessarily because women want relationships more, and spend their evenings sobbing into their cat’s fur about the non-arrival of their prince, but because finding a special, lasting connection is extremely difficult for both sexes.

Ultimately, everyone finds it difficult getting what they really want, just in different ways. However, perhaps men in particular could learn from the Ashley Madison debacle. Sites such as AM can only work because certain men are conditioned to make surreal efforts to obtain sex, so much so that it feels “normal” to sign up for adultery websites that demand potentially catastrophic personal details.

By contrast, for women, obtaining “just sex” requires little to no effort. So, while there probably are some women wanting extracurricular sex, who simply can’t source it anywhere else, there wouldn’t be that many, certainly not the hordes promised by Ashley Madison. The sad truth is that certain men only believed it because it suited them to believe that women could be as sexually desperate as them.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Ah, that’s better. Ditch the beard, Ed. Photograph: /Associate/REX Shutterstock

Come on, chaps, beards aren’t cool - just look at Ed

That photograph of Ed Miliband sporting a scrubby little beard was heartbreaking – “Exhibit A” in the case for him being severely depressed. Ed might think he looks sexy and rumpled but, to me, the beard screams: “Don’t tell anyone I’ve been sleeping in my car.”

Perhaps the “groovy beard” renaissance has had its day. Very few women like them – they give you a rash, they’re stinking food-catchers and it’s like getting hot and heavy with loft insulation. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: men should beware of women who pretend to adore their facial hair – these minxes are attempting to fend off serious sexual opposition by encouraging your resemblance to a latterday Giant Haystacks. Fact.

The sad truth is that very few men suit a beard – most end up looking like that bloke from The Joy of Sex. This remains true however many hipsters prance around Hoxton channelling Abraham Lincoln.

Beards aren’t even surprising anymore – it’s difficult to find a coffee shop barista who doesn’t have one, wilting in the steam of the cappuccino milk-frother. Please, I implore all hairies: seize the day and the razor and say goodbye to the beard.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Cilla’s politics don’t affect her likeability. Photograph: Allstar Picture Library

What’s Cilla’s Toryism got to do with it?

Amid the vast public reaction to Cilla Black’s death, there was the occasional gripe about her being a Tory supporter. Why is this deemed relevant?

Making something of the fact that Black was a Tory supporter, despite being a born and bred working-class Liverpudlian also comes across as spite based on stereotypes.

The north has a reputation for being anti-Tory, but it’s not an unbreakable rule – individuals are still permitted to have their own views and voting preferences.

Even more bizarre, bordering on offensive, is this view that Cilla being a Tory-supporter was a good reason to dislike her, question her talent, kindness or integrity.

What utter codswallop, and I say that as someone who is frequently dismayed by what the Tories are allowed to get away with in the nation’s name.

In my experience, how someone votes is not a foolproof litmus test for who they are as a person. Members of my family, and some friends, have voted Tory. I disagree with them, and vote differently, but that’s the end of the matter – the relationship remains undiminished. I imagine they forgive me my voting trespasses too.

While I’m all for the positive aspects of tribalism (identity, community, camaraderie), it can’t become a lazy excuse to refuse to look for the good in people who think differently.

The only time that “Tory” should be used as an insult, if then, is when it’s directed at actual Tory politicians – the ones with the power.

Certainly it seems grotesque to have people carping about someone being a Tory even as their family lowers them into the ground.

RIP Cilla – it sounds as though I’d have disagreed with your politics but you’re still a loss, chuck.