WHEN MY SON WOULD BE BROUGHTINTO THE SOCIETY. REMINDS ME OF THE DAYI WAS BROUGHT IN BY MY FATHER. GRANDPA'S IN IT TOO ? OF COURSE. MARSHES HAVE BEEN IN"THE HARE CLUB FOR MEN" FOR GENERATIONS, ALL THE WAYBACK TO THE BEGINNING. DAD, DO I HAVE TOWEAR THIS BAG OVER MY HEAD THE ENTIRE TIME ? YOU AREN'T A MEMBER YET. YOU CAN'T KNOW WHERE OURSECRET MEETINGS TAKE PLACE. WE'RE GOING TO A DISTANTLOCATION, AN OLD BUILDING NEAR ALAKE ABOUT 40 MINUTES AWAY. YOU MEAN THE OLDGALVINSTON LODGE ? DAMN IT. HEY, CHARLIE ! HEY, BILL !EVENIN', MARCUS ! HEY, LOOK AT YOU ! HEY, EVERYBODY. STAN MARSH, WELCOME ! YOU MUST BEVERY EXCITED. MUST I ? THERE HE IS !THERE'S MY GRANDSON ! HI, GRANDPA. I'M PROUD OF YOU,BILLY. STAN. ( ding ) ( ding ) ( gavel knocking ) ( man )ATTENTION, MEMBERS. TONIGHT, WE DETERMINEIF A NEW MEMBER IS WORTHY OFPROTECTING THE SECRET. BRING OUT... THE RABBIT. ( all )♪ SANCTUM PETER COTIUM ♪ DE-US EN RI HUNNE-AM ♪ HIPPITUS HOPPITUSREUS DOMINE ♪ ♪ IN SUUSVIA TOR-REI UM ♪ ♪ LEPIS EN EI SA-ANC-TUM ♪ HIPPITUS HOPPITUSDEUS DOMINE ♪♪ ALL HAIL THE CUTE RABBIT,SNOWBALL. HAIL, SNOWBALL.HAIL, SNOWBALL.HAIL, SNOWBALL. STAN MARSH, ARE YOU READY TOHEAR THE SECRET OF EASTER ? YEAH. ARE YOU SURE, SON ? ONCE YOU HEAR THE SECRET,YOU WILL BE BOUND TO "THE HARE CLUBFOR MEN" FOREVER. YEAH, I WANNAKNOW ALREADY. VERY WELL. AT THE LAST SUPPER, JESUS CHRISTMET WITH HIS 12 DISCIPLES. IT WAS THERE THAT-- THEY FOUND US ! PROTECT SNOWBALL ! AHH ! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE ! OW-- MY ARM ! COME ON,WE GOTTA GO ! AGH ! STAN, TAKE SNOWBALLAND GET OUT OF HERE ! WHERE AM ISUPPOSED TO GO ? JUST GET OUTTA HERE ! HUH ! OOH ! WHERE IS THE RABBIT ? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US ? NO, I'M NOTGOING ANYWHERE ! AGH ! JESUS CHRIST ! WHO DID YOUGIVE THE RABBIT TO ? OOF ! SEARCH THE AREA ! THE BOY COULD NOTHAVE GOTTEN FAR ! OH, NO !

AS HOLY SATURDAYCOMES TO AN END, THE EASTER VIGILAT THE VATICAN BEGINS. THOUSANDS HAVE TURNED OUTTO HEAR THE POPE AND CELEBRATETHE RESURRECTION. FOR THIS EASTER VIGIL, THE POPE IS ALSO SHOWINGHIS DIVINE GRACE BY FEEDING THE POOR,WITH A MASSIVE RABBIT STEW. NO, NO ! NO, DON'T PUT-- AGH ! BILL, THIS SEEMS EXTREME. THE CHILD WHO HASTHE RABBIT HAS TO KNOW THAT WE AREWILLING TO KILL THE HOSTAGES IF HE DOESN'T HAND IT OVER. YOUR HOLINESS, A CHILD HASARRIVED WITH THE RABBIT ! YOU SEE ? OH, THANK GOD ! HAND IT OVER, STAN,THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME ! GIVE 'EM THE RABBIT ! YES, HAND IT OVER. FIRST, YOU HAVE TO PROMISEYOU WON'T HURT IT AND THAT YOU'LLLET EVERYBODY GO. WE PROMISE. WE SWEAR ITON THE CROSS. JUST HAND OVERTHE BUNNY, STAN ! OKAY, FINE. STANLY, WHY DIDYOU DO THAT ? I WOULD HAVE PROUDLYDIED FOR THAT RABBIT. YOU SAID HAND OVERTHE BUNNY ! NO, THAT'S IS NOT THE WAYWE'RE REMEMBERING IT ! TAKE THEM INTO CUSTODY ! HEY, WHAT THE HELL ? BILL, WE HAVE THE RABBIT,IT'S ALL WE NEED. DON'T BE SOFT,YOUR HOLINESS ! THESE WHORES MUST BE PUNISHEDIN FRONT OF EVERYONE ! YOU SWORE ONTHE CROSS, FATSO ! YEAH. TOO BAD FOR YOUIT WAS A DOUBLE-CROSS ! ( laughing ) AW, WE SHOULD HAVESEEN THAT COMING. BILL, I'M NOT SURE THATDOUBLE-CROSSING PEOPLE IS VERY CHRISTIAN. IT IS WHAT CHRISTWOULD HAVE WANTED ! ( man )WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT ? IT CAN'T BE. JESUS !JESUS ! ♪ HE IS RISEN ♪ HE IS RISEN ♪ LET THE VOICESSING HIS PRAISES ♪ ♪ ON THIS HOLY DAY ♪ HE IS RISEN ♪ JESUS, WE THOUGHT YOUDIED IN IRAQ. I HAVE THE POWEROF RESURRECTION. OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ? YOU ALL SEEM TO HAVEFORGOTTEN A LOT OF THINGS. JESUS, YOU DIDANSWER MY PRAYER. ACTUALLY, I WAS ANSWERINGTHE PRAYER OF NICK DONOVAN. OH, THAT'S ME-- NEAT-O. THIS IS EXACTLY WHYI PUT A RABBIT IN CHARGE OF THE CHURCH, BENEDICTUS. BECAUSE MEN ARESO EASILY LED ASTRAY. ST. PETER WAS A RABBIT. AND A RABBITSHOULD BE POPE. KILL HIM.WHAT ?! HE GOES AGAINST THE CHURCH.HE MUST DIE. ALL RIGHT,THAT DOES IT, BILL. I'M PRETTY SURE THATKILLING JESUS IS NOT VERY CHRISTIAN. YOU ARE SOFT, WEAK. YOU LEAVE MENO CHOICE. TAKE THEM ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?! I AM THE POPE ! YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO FULFILL YOURDUTIES TO THE LORD. THE EASTER VIGIL WILLGO ON AS PLANNED ! EVERY "HARE CLUB" MEMBER,YOUNG AND OLD, WILL WATCH AS THEIRPRECIOUS SAVIOR DIES. WHAT IS YOURPROBLEM, GUY ? LOCK UP THOSE TWO JEWS. WE'LL DEAL WITHTHEM LATER. NO, NO ! A STRANGE TURN OF EVENTSHERE AT THE VATICAN.

USHERING THE NEW ERA OFPOPE BILL DONAHUE. MY PEOPLE,THIS EASTER I AM GONNA START BY MAKING OUR RABBIT STEW10 TIMES MEATIER ! ( cheering ) NO, LISTEN,WE AREN'T RABBITS ! OOF ! FORGIVE ME, JESUS. WE'LL NEVER GET OUTIN TIME TO STOP HIM ! DON'T YOU HAVEANY SUPER POWERS ? NOT AS A MORTAL,ONLY IN DEATH. WAIT-- THAT'S IT. WE HAVE NO CHOICE, KYLE. YOU ARE GOING TOHAVE TO KILL ME. WHAT ?! STAB ME WITH THIS. IF I DIE, I CAN RESURRECTOUTSIDE THE BARS. NO WAY !DO IT YOURSELF ! SUICIDE IS BLASPHEMY. THERE'S NOCHOICE HERE, KYLE. DUDE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,I'M A JEW. I HAVE A FEW HANG-UPSABOUT KILLING JESUS. JUST MAKE IT QUICK,THROUGH THE NECK. I'LL ARISEAGAIN IMMEDIATELY. DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS. MY SON,THERE IS NO TIME. DO IT ! ERIC CARTMAN CAN NEVERKNOW ABOUT THIS. I UNDERSTAND. AND, KYLE,HAPPY EASTER. HAPPY EASTER, JESUS. AGH, AGH-AGH ! ( groaning ) JESUS ? BEHOLD, NO LONGERWILL EASTER BE ABOUT BUNNIESAND COLORED EGGS ! KILL THE RABBIT ! SORRY, LITTLE BUNNY. SNOWBALL ! OOH !OOH !OOH ! JESUS ? STOP ! THAT RABBIT ISOF HOLY DECENT ! WHY WON'T YOU GO AWAY ?! ONE MAN CANNOT BETHE VOICE OF THE CHURCH. ENOUGH OF THISBLASPHEMY ! I AM THE POPE NOW ! THAT MEANS I AMTHE VOICE OF GOD ! NOT ANYMORE. I'M REMOVING YOUFROM YOUR POSITION. EEHH ! AGH ! ( cheering ) ALL RIGHT, JESUS ! ( church bells ringing ) ♪ SANCTUM PETER COTIUM ♪ DE-US EN RI HUNNE-AM ♪ HIPPITUS HOPPITUSREUS DOMINE ♪♪ YOUR HOLINESS, WHAT SHOULDWE TELL THE WORLD ABOUT HOW TORUN THEIR LIVES ? IT ISN'T SAYING ANYTHING. YES, JUST ASJESUS INTENDED IT. STANLY,I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. YOU HAVE LEARNED SO VERYMUCH THIS EASTER. YEAH, I'VE LEARNED NOTTO ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DYE THE EGGSAND KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. THAT'S MY BOY. ♪ HIPPITUS HOPPITUSDEUS DOMINE ♪♪

( Randy )♪ IN MY EASTER BONNET ♪ WITH ALL THE FRILLSUPON IT ♪ ♪ I'LL BETHE GRANDEST LADY ♪ ♪ IN THE EASTER PARADE ♪ LOOK AT THAT ONE, HUH ! HALF PURPLEAND HALF YELLOW WITH A CHICKADEESTICKER. I'M GOOD. UH, CAN I ASKA QUESTION ? WHY DO WE DO THIS ? WHA-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,"WHY DO WE DO THIS" ? IT'S EASTER. RIGHT, SO WHY DO WECOLOR EGGS ? WELL, SO THAT THE EASTER BUNNYCAN HIDE THEM ! YEAH, BUT WHY ? STANLY, EASTERCELEBRATES THE DAY THAT JESUS WAS RESURRECTED AFTER BEING CRUCIFIEDFOR OUR SINS. SO WE DIP EGGSIN COLORED VINEGAR AND A GIANT RABBITHIDES THEM ? THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T SEE THE MISSEDSTEPS IN LOGIC WITH THAT ? LOOK, I'M JUST SAYING THAT SOMEWHERE BETWEENJESUS DYING ON THE CROSS AND A GIANT BUNNYHIDING EGGS, THERE SEEMS TO BEA GAP OF INFORMATION ! STANLY, JUST DYEYOUR GOD DAMN EGGS ! I DON'T FEEL LIKECOLORING EGGS ! I DON'T GET IT ! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM ? WELL, HE'S JUST GETTINGOLDER, RANDY. MAYBE HE'S FIGURED OUTTHE EASTER BUNNY ISN'T REAL. ( clattering ) YOU KNOW SO LITTLE.

AND FIVE CRASH-AND-GOR.C. CARS. DO YOU GOT THAT ?DO YOU HAVE THAT ?! UH, DON'T YOUTHINK THAT'S-- NO, NO, YOU DON'TASK ME QUESTIONS. YOU ARE A RABBIT,I AM A HUMAN. SO IF YOU DON'T BRING MEWHAT I WANT FOR EASTER, I CAN F--KING KILL YOU. SMILE ! BYE, EASTER BUNNY ! OH, MY GOD. ALL RIGHT, CAN YOUPLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON ?HUH ? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITHTHE COLORING THE EGGS AND YOU HIDINGTHEM AND ALL THAT ? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITHJESUS DYING ON THE CROSS ? IS IT SYMBOLIC ? ARE YOU TRYING TO REFERENCESOMETHING THAT HAPPENEDIN BIBLICAL TIMES ? ANSWER ME ! LOOK, KID, I'M JUSTA GUY IN A COSTUME. I KNOW THAT. BUT I FIGURE YOUMUST HAVE SOME KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT EASTER IS ABOUT IF YOU'RE PLAYINGTHE EASTER BUNNY AT THE MALL. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALEASTER'S JUST EASTER. JUST GOWITH IT, KID. NO, I'M NOT GONNAJUST GO WITH IT ! I'M GONNA FIND OUTWHAT'S BEHIND ALL THIS ! I NEED A BREAK--CAN I HAVE A BREAK ? WE HAVE A PROBLEM. SOMEBODY'S ONTO US. YEAH, HE'S ASKINGA LOT OF QUESTIONS. ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE HE FINDS OUT WHAT EASTER'S REALLY ABOUT. YES, I UNDERSTANDWHAT MUST BE DONE. CALL THE OTHERS.

( tires screeching ) MOM, DAD ?! ANYBODY HOME ?! ( Randy )NOT NOW, STANLY,I'M ON THE TOILET. DAD, YOU GOTTA HELP ME ! HANG ON,I'M TAKING A CRAP. DAD, THERE'S EASTER BUNNIESCHASING ME ! WHAT ?THEY CHASED MEFROM THE MALL ! I DON'T KNOW WHATTHEY WANT ! THEY'RE COMING IN ! DAD, OPEN THE DOOR ! DAD ?! WE NEED TO TALK, STAN. IT'S OKAY, GUYS. RANDY ? YEAH, GUESS IT TURNS OUT THE KID WE'RE AFTERIS MY SON. OH ! TELL THE GRAND HAREEVERYTHING IS OKAY. I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

I REALLY WANTED TO WAITUNTIL YOU WERE OLDER, BUT YOU JUST HAD TOKEEP ASKING QUESTIONS ! WHY WERE THOSE OTHERRABBIT GUYS CHASING ME ? WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHEN WE THINK SOMEBODY'SON TO US. WE ARE ALL PART OFA SECRET SOCIETY, STAN. A VERY ANCIENT, VERY IMPORTANTSOCIETY OF MEN WHO FOLLOWTHE WAY OF THE RABBIT AND PROTECT THE SECRETOF THE EASTER BUNNY. WE ARE CALLED"THE HARE CLUB FOR MEN." DOES MOM KNOW ABOUT THIS ? DUH ! IT'S "THE HARE CLUBFOR MEN." CHICKS WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ! I BELONG TO A SECRET SOCIETY THAT HAS BEEN AROUNDFOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS. OUR IDENTITIES HAVE TOBE PROTECTED. COULD YOU TAKE OFFTHE EARS, PLEASE ? STAN, YOU DON'TSEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUS THIS IS ! THE SECRET OF EASTERTHAT WE PROTECT IS SOMETHING THATCOULD ROCK THE FOUNDATION OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. SO WHAT ISTHE SECRET OF EASTER ? I CAN'T TELL YOU. YOU HAVE TO BE ALLOWEDINTO THE SOCIETY FIRST. BUT... BUT PERHAPSIT'S TIME.

( doorbell ringing ) ( huffing ) HELP. WHAT HAPPENED ? MY DAD'S IN ARABBIT-WORSHIPING CULT CALLED "THE HARE CLUB FOR MEN." THEY PROTECTTHE SECRET OF EASTER. BUT BEFORE THEY SAIDWHAT IT WAS, THEY WEREATTACKED BY NINJAS AND PUT ME IN CHARGEOF SNOWBALL. I'M KIND OFFINGER-PAINTING RIGHT NOW. DUDE, THEY TOOKMY DAD AWAY ! THEY EVEN SHOTONE OF HIS FELLOW HARES. AND NOW THEY'REAFTER ME ! DO YOU KNOWANYTHING ABOUT EASTER ? WHAT IS THE CONNECTIONBETWEEN JESUS AND RABBITSAND COLORED EGGS ? DUDE, I'M JEWISH,I HAVE NO IDEA. ( coughing ) NELSON ! NELSON, NELSON,SAY SOMETHING. MY LEGS... I THINK THEY'RE BROKEN. NELSON, DO YOU KNOWWHERE WE ARE ? WHERE DID THEY TAKE US ? DON'T KNOW. WE TRAVELEDFOR HOURS. KEPT BLACKING OUT. ( coughing ) YOU.

WHAT IS ITIN REGARD TO ? THE HISTORY OF EASTER. SORRY, BOYS,IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR ME TO BE GIVINGLECTURES. PLEASE, DO YOUKNOW ANYTHING ABOUT "THE HARE CLUB FOR MEN" ? THE KEEPERS ? THE GUARDIANSOF THE SECRET ? MY DAD IS IN IT. THIS RABBIT ISTOO SOMEHOW. COME ON IN. "THE HARE CLUB FOR MEN"HAS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES. ONE OF ITS MOST FAMOUS MEMBERSWAS LEONARDO DA VINCI. BEHOLD"THE LAST SUPPER," THE DINNER CHRIST HADWITH HIS DISCIPLES THE NIGHT BEFOREHE WAS CRUCIFIED. WHAT FOOD DO YOU SEEON THE TABLE ? JUST BREAD. REALLY ? LOOK TO JESUS' RIGHT, THE FOOD WHICH ISA LITTLE DIFFERENT COLOR THAN THE OTHERS. IT KIND OF LOOKSLIKE AN EGG. YES, THE EGGMARKS THE SECRET. IT LIES DIRECTLY IN FRONTOF ST. PETER. WHO WAS ST. PETER ? HE WAS THE DISCIPLE THAT JESUSMADE INTO THE FIRST POPE. EGGS-ACTLY. BUT THERE'S SOMETHINGTHE CHURCH DIDN'T TELL YOU. IN ACTUALITY, PETER WASN'TA MAN AT ALL. ST. PETER...WAS A RABBIT. PETER RABBIT. OF COURSE, THE CHURCHWOULDN'T ALLOW DA VINCI TO PAINT PETER AS A RABBIT,SO HE PAINTED HIM AS A MAN, BUT LEFT CLUES. LOOK CLOSELY. I DON'T SEE IT. LOOK CLOSLIER. HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY. LOOK MORE CLOSLIER. WITH LASER TECHNOLOGY WE CANLOOK BENEATH THE PAINT, AT THE WAY DA VINCIORIGINALLY PAINTED IT. THAT IS ST. PETER. THE ORIGINALPOPE OF CHRISTIANITY. I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THE PROOF IS EVERYWHERE. LOOK AT THE POPE'SHAT-- IT MAKES NO SENSE. EXCEPT THAT IT WAS ORIGINALLYDESIGNED FOR A RABBIT. BUT WHY WOULD JESUS WANT ARABBIT TO RUN HIS CHURCH ? BECAUSE JESUSKNEW NO ONE MAN COULD SPEAK FOR EVERYONEIN A RELIGION. MEN CAN BEINTOLERANT. RABBITS ARE PURE. BUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCHBURIED THE TRUTH, PUT A MAN IN CHARGE, AND "THE HARE CLUB FOR MEN"HAVE BEEN DECORATING EGGS EVER SINCE TO KEEP THE SECRETIN DA VINCI'S PAINTING ALIVE. SO THE VATICANTOOK STAN'S DAD ?

YOU DARE TO MOCK GODBY TELLING PEOPLE ST. PETER WAS A RABBIT ? Captioning made possible by YOU HAVE NO RIGHTTO WEAR THAT HAT ! TRYING TO TELL PEOPLETHAT ST. PETER WAS A RABBIT IS BLASPHEMY ! YOU MUST ADMIT YOU AREWRONG OR BURN IN HELL. IT'S SAYING STUPIDTHINGS LIKE THAT THAT MADE JESUS WANT TOPUT A RABBIT IN CHARGE. I'M SORRY I COULDN'T BRING YOUTHE RABBIT, YOUR HOLINESS, BUT THEY KNOW WHERE IT IS. THE RABBIT YOUCALL SNOWBALL IS A THREATTO CHRIST'S CHURCH. WHERE IS THE RABBIT ? I DON'T KNOW. AND EVEN IFI DID KNOW-- WELL, I'D PROBABLY TELL YOU BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TOBE HERE ANYMORE. TAKE HIM TO BETORTURED. TORTURED ? BUT, BILL, ALL THISTORTURING AND NINJAS-- IT JUST DOESN'T SEEMVERY CHRISTIAN. YOU ASKED FOR THE HELP OFTHE AMERICAN CATHOLIC LEAGUE. LET US DO OUR JOB. TAKE HIM ! NO, NO, YOUBUNNY-HATING BASTARDS ! DON'T DO THIS !