CINCINNATI, OH—Frustrated by a perceived lack of respect and appreciation, the main entrance of Bubby’s Bar and Grill said Friday that she frankly resented being referred to by her fellow employees as “the other door.” “I’m here day in and day out working my ass off in all kinds of weather, and they’ve got the nerve to hang up signs—on the door that doesn’t work a lick, thank you very much—signs that call me ‘the other door?’ No one sets foot in this place without going through me. I’m the difference between ‘us’ and ‘them.’ I’m the damn gatekeeper,” said the age-stained, highly patinated 6-by-4-foot door, which was first installed in the years following prohibition. “Let’s be honest. This place would be chaos without me. I keep the bugs out, I keep the heat and cold out as necessary, and these days, I make sure cigarette smoke stays outside where it belongs. I don’t even get so much as a thank you, and now with this othering nonsense, I’m just treated like a second-class citizen?” Bubby’s front entrance has refused to comment on rumors that she is now exploring the possibility of unionizing Cincinnati’s significant side, back, and patio door labor community.

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