MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday that it’s all in his head. “Sometimes, when I’m getting really down on myself, I start to think people must just hate me,” said the fucking loser, who, according to multiple sources, is in fact hated by pretty much everybody because he has no redeeming qualities anyone could ever find worthwhile and, honestly, just kind of sucks. “I need to keep these bad feelings in check. Otherwise, I’ll spiral and wind up in a dark place. Like just last week, I was convinced I had done some silly thing to piss off [an acquaintance who was indeed pissed off by the total shitheel, and with good reason]. But in all likelihood, it had nothing to do with me at all.” The piece of shit went on to voice the incorrect assumption that his mother had not yet returned his last few calls to her because she was probably really busy.

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