Kashmir

Muslims

Dalits

Brahmins

Hashimpura

sexual assault

Do you tolerate or encourage bigoted views at the dinner table and in the living room, or do you behave like a true Indian and speak out?I was at a very dear friend’s wedding and was seated at a table with a dozen other guests. Most of us were done with our food and were waiting for dessert when the conversation suddenly shifted to Kashmir. A well-known retired officer from the armed forces said the situation inhad never been this bad and the government was not doing enough to defuse tensions. It seemed interested only in portraying a macho image. “Kashmir is slipping away from India,” he said.A woman at the table said she had a solution to the problem. “All these, we need to…,” she said, without completing the sentence. An awkward silence followed. Then, a man, probably in his earlier thirties, asked loudly: “We need to do what?” She put her napkin down and said: “They can’t live with us.”The man shot back: “Who is us? Is it Punjabis? Is it Tamils? Is it Assamese? Is it Bengalis? Who are you speaking for? Is it men, women,, Christians…” Who is us and how are you able to speak for everyone?”Surprised by the angry reaction, the woman tried to reclaim some ground in the debate: “Oh, so you are the JNU-type, appeasement-loving person.” At this point, the retired officer stood up and asked in a very polite tone: “Was it appeasement when 42 innocent Muslims were shot dead inin Uttar Pradesh for no reason? To date, no one has been convicted for the massacre.” He left the table.But the woman continued with her outrageous argument. “All I am saying is, we need to deal with Muslims,” she said. The man asked her to stop hinting and make her point clearly. “What is ‘dealing’? Why are you so unwilling to say (what’s exactly on your mind)? Why don’t you say what you mean? Why can’t you say that you think that Muslims should be murdered? Say that you want murder,” he said. Another guest asked him to calm down, saying: “We are at a wedding.”The man refused to end the discussion. “No, I’m sorry, I’m not calming down. Would you be calm if someone said they support? Everyone needs to raise their voice. People should shout if someone openly advocates murder. Why aren’t you all shouting?” he said. The bride and groom then gave the man a big hug and said thank you.Does your presence make it easier for some people to say vile things or difficult? During the heated exchanges at the wedding, the woman could not utter the word ‘murder’, but it was clear to many of us what she meant. She refrained from mentioning the word perhaps because she was at a social gathering with many people around. But maybe she says it when she is in a private setting with her friends. In public, she has now learned, and finds it acceptable, to disguise her opinion by using words like “deal”.My grandmother, uncle and aunts tell me that there was a time when Indians had to hide and withhold the poison in their minds. No more. Bapu’s murder made us feel ashamed. No more.The wedding episode reminded me of another incident when a woman I know shouted at a man who made a ‘rape joke’ at a party. She scolded him and made the man apologise. She later told me: “It’s hard to speak out, but it’s harder to stay silent.”Habib Jalib was a Pakistani poet who spoke for the oppressed and against many rulers. He was jailed a number of times for his courage. In an old video now available on YouTube, he says he once recited a poem of defiance after which a senior poet told him: “Mauka nahin tha (This was not the opportune moment to do this)”. Jalib replied: “Main mauka parast nahin hun. (I am not an opportunist).”What is tolerated at the dinner tables and living rooms you share with people? What is it that people are unable to say around you? Do you choose to argue or stay silent? Do you take refuge in the belief that your silence/protest does not matter?