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Are you one of the at least a dozen Americans genuinely concerned that the U.S. government is planning to take over the State of Texas, and they’re training the military to do so near the Lone Star State as part of a training called “Jade Helm 15” but you can’t find any reliable details on the entire plot? Then look no further! The Political Garbage Chute was sent via an email address registered only as “[email protected]” details of the secret operation. Using some other highly-placed resources at various other government agencies, we have confirmed that these details at the very least sound like something that the government would do, and we know that’ll satisfy anyone who genuinely believes the U.S. government has any interest in annexing a state that’s already part of the union by way of the Constitution of the United States of America that does not have an out clause in it.

What follows is what our contact within the government sent us, verbatim.

It’s all going to go down on July 4th, of course. It’s estimated that by 0430 hours at least 70% of the citizens of Texas will be drunk on Shiner Bock that day. Since we know that Governor Abbot will have made every man, woman, child, and infant an active member of the Texas State National Guard by executive order by then, we’re sure most of the people who would put up resistance will be too in the bag to care about an invading force crossing their border.

Of course, the beauty is that we plan for this takeover to be completely non-violent from the start, because one of the most important pieces to this operation is how highly we’ve placed our top mole within the state government. Let’s just say his name rhymes with Schmuvener Schmeg Schmabbot, shall we?

No one will ever suspect the right-wing-nut-job-whack-o-douchebag clown that sent the National Guard to spy on the U.S. military — as if the military would be intimidated by such a dumb move — would be working from within the government to subvert it. From there, Abbot can finally force Texas to officially join the union they’ve officially been a part of since 1845…until it temporarily left to fight for every American’s right to own another American (provided the skin tones of all involved passed muster) in 1861…until they rejoined the union in 1870 after being on the losing side of The War to Own People Who Are Darker Than You, Cuz God.

That’s right, Texans may have thought they were electing a dumber, more ideologically obsessed, more mouth-breathery version of Governor Rick Perry, but what they were really doing is electing a Soros 3000 cybernetic entity disguised to look like a dumb, ideologically obsessed, more mouth-breathery version of Governor Rick Perry. We programmed him to think and talk exactly like the most far-right, hardcore partisan that we could, and clearly it worked because he won the election, and that set off the chain of events leading to Jade Helm 15.

Imagine their shock and awe at learning that we waved the Jade Helm 15 military exercise in front of their noses to distract them while our Abbot-Bot finalized preparations for his executive orders. They’re going to flip their lid when Cyborg Abbot signs the order forcing them to send their kids to school in classrooms that treat evolution like scientific fact and not the ramblings of Jesus hating Satan worshipers! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Abbot’s going to sign one executive order that declares the Dallas Cowboys “America’s Douchebags” and if you think that’s rough for Texans, imagine what will happen when Abbot forces them all to get abortions — even the ones that aren’t pregnant!

At 1100 hours Abbot will sign the order for all Texans everywhere to hand in at least 75% of their guns and ammo stockpiles, leaving each Texan with an average of 62 guns and 1.5 metric tons of various ammunition. At high-noon Cyborg Abbot will order every straight marriage abolished, and every man will be matched with another man, every woman another woman, and gay marriages will be pronounced among all of them, making gay marriage the only marriage you can get in New Texas. At 1300 hours, Abbot will sign an order that will add one steer, cow, ox, pig or chicken to each gay marriage, because as we all know it’s a slippery slope from gay marriage to bestiality, and we wanted to honor that slippery slope.

After another round of forced abortions at 1400 hours, Cyborg Abbot will officially hand over half of Texas to the government of Mexico. Any Americans living in the areas that are being given to Mexico will become official Mexican citizens, but in a turning of the tables, they will not be documented, and the government of Mexico has said they plan to force them to live in the shadows for a decade or so, because they’re worried about bringing a bunch of people educated in schools from states with so little infrastructure emphasis that STD outbreaks occur among their abstinence only schools. Cyborg Abbot plans to laugh heartily at their misfortune.

The last few hours of the first day of the Jade Helm protocol will involve being forced to eat kale salads, and burning down any and all Chik-Fil-A restaurants in Texas. Curfew will be enforced at 10pm, where all newly minted gay-married couples must engage in government mandated gay sex, gaying it up harder than anyone has ever gayed before. Then the Texas flag will be officially retired and a rainbow flag with a giant, pink dildo will be put in its place, every Texan bank account will be emptied out into Barack Obama’s personal checking account, and he’ll only spend it on liberal-approved products like flag burning supplies and abortion tools.

It’ll be a glorious new beginning! We can’t wait to prove all those slack-jawed, bored, moronic fuckwitted conspiracy theorists right for a change! Yee-haw!

P.S. Of course all of this is fucking bullshit. What kind of asshole thinks the U.S. wants more responsibility for crazy-ass Texas? If you believe Jade Helm 15 is a plot to take over Texas, you are literally the dumbest human being on the planet. The.Fucking.Dumbest.

Thanks for reading!