“Would you rather sound like Jar Jar Binks for the rest of your life or look like Jar Jar Binks for the rest of your life?”

Redditor callitlobsters suggested that terrifying toss-up after user White_Shade asked Reddit for its most head-scratching (or harrowing) “would you rather” scenarios.

While tough would-you-rathers have become part of our culture—from the popular segment on the Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast to the official “Would You Rather?” board game—the scenarios redditors suggested in this thread seemed a little too mature and bizarre to be asked anywhere else.

Cantaloupe fetish or violent popcorn orgasms? Nipple-sized dick or dick-sized nipples? Would you rather read the top answers yourself or get a summary that could never do justice to the original questions?

Oh, okay. Well, here you go.

Never Gonna Be the Same

For reference, here’s James Blunt and here’s Sean Paul. Only one of them has a song with Beyoncé, so it’s understandable that SP won in a landslide.

Cantaloupe vs. Popcorn

While redditor Lady_of_the_Lakes was quick to point out the benefits of orgasming on demand to a relatively uncommon word, users working in the entertainment industry opted for cantaloupe for reasons of convenience:

But HammersSickles’ would-you-rather was so inspiring, it spawned a related scenario—which sounds like it was ripped straight out of South Park:

A Rand Paul Original

Who knew Senator Rand Paul would enter the game? Mercifully, his name wasn’t mentioned as part of a weird sex question pitting presidential candidates against each other—but one redditor name-dropped the senator as the author of a particularly difficult question:

It might not be under the best circumstances, but at least it was a (rare) win for Nickelback:

Four years of “How You Remind Me” can’t be that bad, right?

Like Ranma—But With Sneezing

Remember Ranma 1/2, the show whose eponymous hero changes sex after contact with water?

Well, this “would you rather” is like that, but with sneezing. Oh, and some muffins thrown in just to make things confusing:

Many redditors welcomed the opportunity to explore life in a new body, especially if it means avoiding this terrifying scene:

A Strange Series of “Body” Questions

What do you value most about your body? You might not realize what you hold dearest until after reading the most bizarre anatomical would-you-rathers.

Think Binks

When life closes a window, it’s supposed to open a door, but when is a door not a door?

When it’s a Jar Jar.

More than any other question in the thread, the sense-based “Jar Jar” conundrum invited a wave of theories, clarifying questions, and lively discussion—although at least one redditor hoped for an easier way out:

Others, however, accepted the premise and tried their best to think of a logical strategy:

Of course, the worst part of a tough would-you-rather is that you have to live with your decision:

Check out the original Ask Reddit thread for even more humorous and/or horrifying questions. Or excrete semen-blood from your dick-nipples as you swap genders with Jar Jar Nickelback (to clarify, that’s a Nickelback cover band comprised entirely of Jar Jars) in a tub of cantaloupe-flavored popcorn that sings James Blunt songs in Sean Paul’s voice.

It’s your choice.