GRIEVING: Ben Carson's brother Nic, left, and parents Pauline and Andrew. They say they were not invited to meetings about the Iroquois crash in which Ben, pictured, died last Anzac Day.

Ben Carson fastened his air force flying suit with pride at 4.30am on Anzac Day last year.

It was the first time the 25-year-old Christchurch corporal had been invited to fly over the Dawn Service in an Iroquois helicopter.

On the eve of Anzac Day, he rang his parents and told them to look out for the third helicopter in the fly-past trio.

A few hours later he rang them back to say he had been switched into helicopter two.

"Tell the family to look out for me, I'll be in helicopter two now mum."

But as the nation was gathering to mourn fallen New Zealand soldiers, an Iroquois helicopter crashed on its way to Wellington.

His mother sat frozen in the lounge when she heard from a relative that a helicopter had gone down. His father, who was playing golf at the time, never got to finish his game.

Ben Carson died only minutes before he was due to fly over the Wellington cenotaph.

Flight Lieutenant Hayden Madsen, 33, and Flying Officer Dan Gregory, 28, were killed alongside him. Sergeant Stevin Creeggan, 37, the sole survivor, received life-threatening injuries.

The Court of Inquiry into the crash has been completed and its report is expected to be released this month. While it is forbidden to discuss its findings prior to their release, The Press understands they will be controversial.

In April 2010 Andrew and Pauline Carson lost a son. Less than a year later their family home "fell to pieces" in the Christchurch earthquake, but they blame the air force for turning their lives into a "living hell".

Nothing can prepare a parent for burying a child, but Andrew Carson says the pain of his son's death has been amplified because the air force "stole his time of mourning from us".

"You wouldn't believe the way we have been treated by the air force. If you weren't living it, you wouldn't believe it," he says.

"Every time I think of my son I am just reminded of the mess we are in. I can't separate the two any more; it has just been hell."

Carson rattles off a long, "cruel and humiliating" list of the air force's mistreatment, which he says has blackened Ben's memory and honour.

The family were not invited to at least two meetings at Ohakea airbase that were organised solely to brief the victims' families on the Court of Inquiry process.

Ben's mother says she will always regret allowing the air force to control her son's private funeral.

The hymn Ben had grown up singing at his former high school, St Andrew's College, was not allowed to be played and his aunt, who is an Anglican minister, was told not to wear her robes at the service.

A photo album and DVD of the three men's funeral services were sent out to all families except the Carsons. They received copies only after they asked.

They were allowed to visit the wreckage only when they specifically asked to, after discovering that all the other families had been there six weeks earlier.

When they started to put the pieces together they contacted the parents of survivor Stevin Creeggan, and discovered the pair had been fighting a similar battle. The two Christchurch families realised the air force had isolated them from one another by saying neither wanted to be contacted. They believe this was deliberate.

From the age of seven, Ben Carson dreamed of following in his grandfather's footsteps and flying for his country.

The Carsons' connection with the air force was forged 60 years ago and the family is devastated that the crash has destroyed that link, too.

Their only comfort in the past year and a half is that Ben died doing something he loved. And that his grandfather, who was fiercely loyal to the military, died before the feud erupted.

An independent review of how the air force treated the parents of Ben Carson and Stevin Creeggan has been commissioned by Defence Minister Wayne Mapp.

Mapp was quoted in the Dominion Post in April as saying that the air force had "some lessons to learn" from its treatment of the grieving families.

The Carsons appealed for the minister's help in January and he has remained in contact since.

The Defence Force says it would be inappropriate to comment on the family's allegations while an independent review is being carried out into the way they were treated.

The Carsons say they have no idea what caused the air force's "bizarre" stance.

They question whether it was Ben's lower rank compared to the other two men who were killed, or a legal dispute between the family and Ben's girlfriend over who is his next of kin.

Both explanations are inexcusable to the Carsons. The family say they were pushed over the edge when then-Ohakea airbase commander Tim Walshe "flatly lied" when he denied being involved in any Court of Inquiry meetings, Andrew Carson says.

"I am just sick of the lies. I am bitter that we were excluded and when we found out we were excluded they lied to us.

"Since we found that out it has been almost as bad as the accident itself."

A few weeks after the funeral services, when the Carsons had returned to Christchurch, they emailed Walshe and asked him if he had any news on the inquiry.

He responded saying he would contact them when he had any information.

It wasn't until August 14, 2010, through sheer coincidence, that the Carsons discovered they had not been invited to meetings with Walshe, the victims' families and the president of the Court of Inquiry.

Ben's squadron leader invited them to a reunion on base, assuming the Carsons would be on site for an inquiry meeting earlier.

In confusion they contacted Walshe, and were told "categorically" there had been no meetings, Andrew Carson says.

The Carsons then contacted the other victims' families, who confirmed there had been meetings and they had attended.

The Carsons confronted Walshe after being provided with emails showing he was not only involved in the meetings, but also that he had a hand in organising them.

Andrew Carson says Walshe then admitted there had been meetings involving other family members, but said he was out of the country at the time.

A few weeks ago the row deepened.

The Carsons received a formal invitation to their first inquiry meeting at Ohakea, including flight tickets and accommodation details.

On the eve of the meeting Air Vice-Marshal Peter Stockwell, the chief of the air force, rang the Carsons and said they were not invited to the meeting but a representative would come and speak to them personally, Andrew Carson says.

"I told him, `I am holding the hot little tickets in my hand' and he just said `we didn't invite you'."

Carson then asked why they were being excluded and was shocked when Stockwell replied: "You are not invited but you are not excluded."

The family then contacted Mapp and Labour leader Phil Goff and threatened to involve the media. Within half an hour the Carsons were reinvited.

John and Gaile Creeggan have endured a similar fight with the air force and they say they were denied information abouttheir son's critical condition for days after the crash because of confusion over who his next of kin was, even though his military records list them as next of kin.

They, too, were excluded from the Court of Inquiry results briefing to the victims' families, because they were not deemed "victims", they say.

"We have had quite a few heated conversations with the air force. They are so used to having and following orders but they really need to take some humanising pills and show a little empathy for the family," Gaile Creeggan told The Press.

John Creeggan, who has an extensive background in avionics and military aircraft, started his own investigation after viewing the crash wreckage.

After making a number of calls the Creeggans began to receive typed letters dropped into their letterbox and anonymous phone calls.

"The tips were coming from the inside and someone was advising me to carry on along the line I am looking into at the moment," he says.

Both families are bound to silence until the release of the Court of Inquiry's findings, but vow to keep fighting until the truth is uncovered.

After the earthquake destroyed the Carsons' home they moved to Nelson to start a new chapter in their lives.

The urn holding their son's ashes stands in the lounge and is a constant reminder why they can't back down.

"Ben had so much respect for the air force and would hate to think this was going on," his father says.

"He would be kicking up merry hell if he was here, but he's not, so it's up to us. We have to fight for him now."