As the world waits with bated yawns for the beginning of the Winter Olympics in South Korea, one group of nations will be sending alternate teams of athletes to another sh*tho…country for an entirely different competition. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea – also known as North Korea or China’s future parking lot – will be staging its own Olympics. The events featured in the North Korean Olympics will reflect the country’s unique culture and glorious socialist achievements. It will be a fantastic spectacle best viewed from a great distance, through high-powered binoculars.

Russia, China, Iran, Cuba, Somalia, Venezuela, and Canada will all be sending teams to take on Little Rocket Man’s finest. The games are scheduled to last three weeks, at the end of which the medal-winners will march triumphantly through the capital, Pyongyang, and those who didn’t win medals will march dejectedly to labor camps in the mountains.

Like South Korea, But Without All the Stuff

Among the most thrilling events will be the bobsleigh – or, more accurately, the bobdoor – and speed skating, in which competitors will be chased by tanks.

The games will open with an impressive pyrotechnic display that may be sadly misinterpreted as a ballistic missile being fired at Japan. A star-studded concert will follow, featuring Dennis Rodman, Bernie Sanders, Matt Damon, Alyssa Milano, Al Gore, and Jeremy Corbyn singing traditional songs from Soviet Russia. This is somewhat unusual because, as they used to say, in Soviet Russia, song sings you.

Particularly exciting will be ‘The Glorious Climb.’ In this event, participants will attempt – with a running start of half a mile – to scale a section of the fence separating the DPRK from South Korea. Held simultaneous to this and in precisely the same location will be the shooting competition.

In a special decathlon event, competitors will attempt to find ten different things to eat. This will also be held in conjunction with a shooting event. Additional challenging contests include Open a Twitter Account, Smuggle a Video Recording to China, Ridicule Dear Leader, Don’t Starve to Death, and Start a Small Business. Each of these also involves a shooting event.

The Loud Shout is expected to be especially popular. In this event, athletes will climb to the top of a border watchtower, face east and yell insults at U.S. President Donald Trump. No shooting will accompany this.

Dig for Uranium will be the first event to commence and will last the entire three weeks. On the final day, the competition will close with ice hockey, in which those who failed to dig up any uranium will be taken out onto the ice and beaten to death with hockey sticks.

In an exclusive interview with Liberty Nation, a spokesman for the Ruling Worker’s Party of Korea said “Olympic Games, which originated in Korea, will be gloriously staged in their rightful home. Flatulent orange monkey Trump will be shamed by the unrivaled physical prowess of mighty Korean socialist people. Are you gonna eat that?”

Medals will, in reality, be rice cakes painted gold, silver, and bronze. At the end of the closing ceremony, the one, real gold medal available will be awarded to Kim Jong Un.