By: Stocktony

Jon “Stugotz” Weiner is a genius. Want to know why? I’ll sum it up for you in one simple rhetorical question: who else makes phlegm funny? Phlegm! Not only funny, mind you, but Stu has made it into a staple in one of America’s most popular sports radio shows, “The Dan LeBatard Show with Stugotz.” Again, people, it’s pure hilarity cultivated from throat snot. This, in a slimy, green nutshell, is our beloved Gotz.

To be fair, Stu, just like the phlegm which haunts him, can be tough to swallow for some people. He and his voice can be crude, rude, abrasive…”sandpaper to the soul” as show guest booker, Allyson puts it. But get to know him and you’ll come to embrace the hard edges and viscous timbre of a Long Island accent transmitted through a South Florida radio show. Easy to say, for long-time listeners, we are indeed “with Lewis on this.” And–right, wrong or nuclear wrong–we are always with Stu.

If you still doubt that Jon “Stugotz” Weiner is a genius, let me provide some examples to solidify my thesis. There are many more, but honestly, I know you, much like Stu, will stop reading if this is too long. (Comment below if you’ve stopped reading already.)

Examples (Clearly labeled for Stugotz)

Consider the cottage industries this genius buffoon has made of:

1. Bad live reads–Stu has made reading poorly an art form, a true master. Like a cornerback who gets beat time and time again, the Stugotz returns to read again, and read poorly…again. How many times, for instance, has Gotz read the “Blue Apron” spot as “BREW Apron?” I’m not sure, but it sounds delicious. Furthering the proof that Stu is a genius, I (and I assume much of the audience as well) stick around for the live reads just to see how badly he can mangle them. Any other show and I’m fast forwarding right through the ads. I said, “ADS. ADS!”

2. Mispronunciations–When I mispronounce a word, it isn’t funny. Of course, I don’t do it with the consistency and constancy of the sunrise and sunset. But Stu does. And, cut into the single syllable for the long words and phrases like “tight-ends coach” or the extended syllables for words like “sight,” these misproncifications are pure radio gold. Juxtapose Stu’s ability to downright butcher the English language with smart and staunch Brit Jon Amaechi’s alacrity with words, and magic is born. Sounds like a party, maybe even “Mardi Gras.”

3. Not listening–I teach high school, so I understand Dan’s frustration with his cohost at a level that not everyone can. Stu’s total obliviousness produces total hilarity. How can a guy become so successful while paying so little attention to his surroundings? A magic trick indeed. David Blaine beware, Stu is coming for you, and he’ll probably unknowingly just repeat the trick you did. Or maybe he will become a prop comic, just like Steve Martin. Also, just like Steve Martin, who was a prop comic.

4. Being just plain gross–When the show began in its new, morning time slot, Stu wore the same tuxedo every day, and as a gag, the suit looked more and more disheveled, as did the man wearing it. I’m 90% sure the tux thing was a bit, but 10% of me wonders if it wasn’t just Stu being Stu. Whether it’s a wrinkled Pabst T-shirt, a wrinkled Grateful Dead T-shirt, or a wrinkled polo that he wears on Sports Center every appearance, Stu’s wardrobe is perfect for the unshaven, ungroomed, and unabashedly unapologetic Gotz. Think he’d wear a KYSportsGuys shirt if I sent him one?

5. Laziness/Having others to his work: Making tea is one of the simplest pursuits known to man, so easy a primate could do it with little to no training. Leave it to the Gotz to not only not know how but be unwilling to learn. Why make tea when he can have the once-fired-by-him Allyson do it? Why edit his own weekend observations or even have them done on time when producer Mike Ryan take the raw clay of his notes and sculpt a masterpiece? This is the Stugotz logic: do less and be handsomely rewarded. And it has worked. Wait a minute………

Conclusion–These observations are, in fact, the ultimate homage to the one and only Stugotz. Never has such a creature roamed the radio landscape, knuckles dragging, drool dripping, phlegm flying, blubbering and “buh-burring” his way into our collective hearts. If you’re reading this, Gotz, and have made it this far (pretty sure you haven’t), then please, please, please, never change. You, sir, are truly a genius.

There is no way I could chronicle all of Stu’s excellence here. In the comments section below, tell us your favorite Stu moments…