“It’s been over 30 years since he borrowed the Journal of the Whills and a few Archies. You do the math,” said Chief Librarian Morenike Nu. She’s referring of course to the last known Jedi — and new record-holder for heftiest overdue book fee in recorded history — Luke Skywalker. According to Nu, the library has sent numerous dispatches to various systems the self-exiled Jedi has been known to visit, but has never heard back from the legendary son of Darth Vader né Anakin Skywalker. “Some hero he turned out to be, eh? Just borrow things indefinitely and vanish. If his father were alive, there’d be hell to pay,” said the irate Nu, a third generation librarian whose grandmother had personal dealings with famed Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ahsoka Tano.

Skywalker’s overdue library book fee started at a measly 2 credits per day per item, but has compounded and gained interest to stand at a whopping seven trillion credits today. Over the years, Nu and her fellow librarians have received some leads as to Skywalker’s whereabouts but nothing ever panned out… until about 10 years ago. Rumors had begun swirling that the last Jedi had taken it upon himself to rebuild the Jedi order. Gossip mongerers claimed Skywalker had erected an Academy, and had begun inviting anyone whose midi-chlorian count was above average to study under his tutelage. “I can just imagine the curriculum. Theft 101 followed by Introduction to Chicanery and let’s not forget Public Deviancy!”

Nu’s frustrations stem from the library’s failure to secure the location of Skywalker’s Jedi Academy. “Honestly, let him be the last. Do we really need another generation of people who think it’s okay to steal library books, put boogers between pages, or scrawl crude penises on inside back covers?”

Recently, however, the librarians finally achieved a major breakthrough: an informant finally managed to secure Skywalker’s mailing address. Coincidentally or not if you believe conspiracy theorists, the new Jedi Academy went up in flames around this same time. “Wouldn’t be surprised if Luke torched the place himself for the insurance money. I pray our books didn’t burn with everything else but who knows with this loon. Next thing you know he’ll store our books on an island, exposing them to corrosive, salty ocean air.”

The library has plans to go after Skywalker’s next of kin, but not before completely destroying his credit score. As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo