From the Portal Wiki

This is a complete list of GLaDOS' voice lines from Portal and Portal 2.

Portal

Introduction

" Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center. " | Download Play

" | " We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. " | Download Play

" | " Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper. " | Download Play

" | " Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities, serious injuries may occur. " | Download Play

" | " For your own safety and the safety of others, please refrain from-- [bzzzzzt] " | Download Play

" | "Por favor bordón de fallar Muchos gracias de fallar gracias" | Download Play

(Translated to "Please refrain from many fail because of failure thanks")

"stand back. The portal will open in three, two, one." | Download Play

" Excellent. Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test. " | Download Play

" | " First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. " | Download Play

" | "This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it - for instance, the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube." | Download Play

If the player manages to take a cube into the material emancipation grill while the door is open





" Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the Fifteen Hundred Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Button. " | Download Play

" | "Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamberlock, as the effects of prolonged exposure to the Button are not part of this test." | Download Play

" You're doing very well! " | Download Play

" | "Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, which may, in semi- rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth." | Download Play

Receiving the Handheld Portal Device

" Very good! You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. " | Download Play

" | " With it, you can create your own portals. " | Download Play

" | " These intra-dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe. " | Download Play

" | " The Device, however, has not. " | Download Play

" | " Do not touch the operational end of The Device. " | Download Play

" | " Do not look directly at the operational end of The Device. " | Download Play

" | " Do not submerge The Device in liquid, even partially. " | Download Play

" | "Most importantly, under no circumstances should you (static, slows to a stop)" | Download Play

Test Chambers 03-04

" Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap. " | Download Play

" | "Well done! Remember: The Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested." | Download Play





" Welcome to test chamber four. " | Download Play

" | "You're doing quite well." | Download Play

" Once again, excellent work. " | Download Play

" | "As part of a required test protocol, we will not monitor the next test chamber. You will be entirely on your own. Good luck." | Download Play

If the player manages to trap him/herself

"Despite the best efforts of the Enrichment Center staff to ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, you have managed to ensnare yourself permanently inside this room."

"A complimentary escape hatch will open in 3, 2, 1."

Test Chambers 05-08

" As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication. " | Download Play

" | "Good job! As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three, two, [static]." | Download Play





" While safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals, the Aperture Science High Energy Pellet, seen to the left of the chamber, can and has caused permanent disabilities, such as vaporization. " | Download Play

" | " Please be careful. " | Download Play

" | "Unbelievable! You, Subject Name Here, must be the pride of Subject Hometown Here." | Download Play





" Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, alarms and flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate the high energy pellet and have therefore been disabled for your safety. " | Download Play

" | "Good. Now use the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold to reach the chamberlock." | Download Play





" Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark on your official testing record followed by death. Good luck! " | Download Play

" | "Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience." | Download Play

Test Chambers 09-11

" The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. " | Download Play

" | "Make no attempt to solve it." | Download Play

During the level:

" The Enrichment Center apologizes for this clearly broken test chamber. " | Download Play

" | " Once again, the Enrichment Center offers its most sincere apologies on the occasion of this unsolvable test environment. " | Download Play

" | " Frankly, this chamber was a mistake. If we were you, we would quit now. " | Download Play

" | " No one will blame you for giving up. In fact, quitting at this point is a perfectly reasonable response. " | Download Play

" | "Quit now and cake will be served immediately." | Download Play

"Fantastic! You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism." | Download Play





" Hello again. To reiterate [slows down] our previous [speeds up] warning: This test [garbled speech] -ward momentum. " | Download Play

" | " Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. " | Download Play

" | "Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms: Speedy-thing goes in, speedy-thing comes out." | Download Play





" The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. " | Download Play

" | " In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. " | Download Play

" | "For instance, the floor here will kill you - try to avoid it." | Download Play

Upgrading the Handheld Portal Device

" The Device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals at once. " | Download Play

" | " As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact: " | Download Play

" | "The Device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in Subject Hometown Here." | Download Play

Test Chambers 12-16

" (garble) fling yourself. (garble) fling into sp- [bzzt] " | Download Play

" | "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee[bzzt]" | Download Play





" Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, VERY, long time. " | Download Play

" | " If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out. " | Download Play

" | "An intubation associate will be dispatched to revive you with peptic salve and adrenaline." | Download Play

" As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie to you. " | Download Play

" | "When the testing is over, you will be missed." | Download Play





" All subjects intending to handle high-energy gamma leaking portal technology must be informed that they MAY be informed of applicable regulatory compliance issues. " | Download Play

" | " No further compliance information is required or will be provided, and you are an excellent test subject! " | Download Play

" | "Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has been activated in the main chamber." | Download Play





" The Enrichment Center is committed to the well being of all participants. " | Download Play

" | " Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. " | Download Play

" | "Thank you for helping us help you help us all." | Download Play

If the player is trapped in the High Energy Pellet receptor area

" Through no fault of the Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself in this room. " | Download Play

" | "An escape hatch will open in three, two, one." | Download Play





"Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self esteem fund for girls? It's true!" | Download Play





" Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this testing sequence is currently unavailable. " | Download Play

" | " It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. " | Download Play

" | "The Enrichment Center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck." | Download Play

"Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance." | Download Play

Test Chamber 17

"The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in Three. Two. One." | Download Play

"This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber. Please take care of it." | Download Play

" The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. " | Download Play

" | "The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak." | Download Play

" The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot speak. " | Download Play

" | "In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice." | Download Play





" You did it! The Weighted Companion Cube certainly brought you good luck. " | Download Play

" | " However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and, unfortunately, must be euthanized. " | Download Play

" | "Please escort your Companion Cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator." | Download Play

" Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects of any moral responsibility for the Companion Cube euthanizing process. " | Download Play

" | " While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you. " | Download Play

" | " Testing cannot continue until your Companion Cube has been incinerated. " | Download Play

" | " Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, eight out of ten Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain. " | Download Play

" | " The Companion Cube cannot continue through the testing. State and Local statutory regulations prohibit it from simply remaining here, alone and companionless. You must euthanize it. " | Download Play

" | "Destroy your Companion Cube or the testing cannot continue." | Download Play

"You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations." | Download Play

Test Chamber 18

" The experiment is nearing its conclusion. " | Download Play

" | "The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake." | Download Play

If a Storage Cube is lost in the goo at the bottom

" Weighted Storage Cube destroyed. " | Download Play

" | "Please proceed to the Aperture Science Vital Apparatus Vent for a replacement." | Download Play

If the player is trapped in the High Energy Pellet receptor area

" Despite the best efforts of the Enrichment Center staff to ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, you have managed to ensnare yourself permanently inside this room. " | Download Play

" | "A complimentary escape hatch will open in three... Two... One." | Download Play





" Well done! Be advised that the next test requires exposure to uninsulated electrical parts that may be dangerous under certain conditions. " | Download Play

" | "For more information, please attend an Enrichment Center Electrical Safety seminar." | Download Play

Test Chamber 19









During escape





























On destroying a security camera

Final battle

When the player picks up the morality core





First core destroyed

"[The voice has subtly changed. Smoother, more seductive, less computerized]"

The following automatically plays or repeats after the respective speech for every destroyed core.





Second core destroyed





Third core destroyed









Unused lines/alternate delivery



In regular computer voice; versions with the deeper voice are used in the final game.





Portal 2

Single-player lines

Chapter 1: The Courtesy Call

Template:Incomplete

GLaDOS Reawakening

" Oh... It's you. " | Download Play

" | " I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME. " | Download Play

" | " Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster. " | Download Play

" | " I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test. " | Download Play

" | "I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first." | Download Play

Chapter 2: The Cold Boot

GLaDOS Test Chamber 1

" Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that. " | Download Play

" | " Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test. " | Download Play

" | " Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers. " | Download Play

" | "Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 2

" This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both get to see how they work. " | Download Play

" | " There should be one in the corner. " | Download Play

" | "Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 3

" Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep. " | Download Play

" | " Congratulations. Not on the test. " | Download Play

" | "Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 4

" One moment. " | Download Play

" | " You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility. " | Download Play

" | " I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. But for the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly. " | Download Play

" | "Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 5

" This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck! " | Download Play

" | "Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 6

" Let's see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates. " | Download Play

" | " Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world. " | Download Play

" | "*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself." | Download Play





" Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers. " | Download Play

" | " So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling, and being useless. " | Download Play

" | "Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you." | Download Play



If the player picks up a trash item

" You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage. " | Download Play

" | "Press the button again." | Download Play





"Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 7

" Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise--[train horn]-- " | Download Play

" | "I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact." | Download Play





" Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry. " | Download Play

" | "Go ahead and grab another one." | Download Play





" Oh. No. I fizzled that one too. " | Download Play

" | "Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them." | Download Play





" Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit, so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken. " | Download Play

" | "Don't take anything with you." | Download Play



If the player jumps down and leaves the Companion Cube up above

" Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life. " | Download Play

" | "Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto." | Download Play



If the player takes the Companion Cube past the exit

"I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 8

Chapter 3: The Return

GLaDOS Test Chamber 9

" Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal. " | Download Play

" | " You broke it, didn't you. " | Download Play

" | " There. Try it now. " | Download Play

" | " Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight. " | Download Play

" | " You look great, by the way. Very healthy. " | Download Play

" | " Try it now. " | Download Play

" | " You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll just lower the ceiling. " | Download Play

" | "Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 10

" Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again. " | Download Play

" | "Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some humans. But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need." | Download Play



If the player manages to trap themselves by leaving the cube on the topmost floor without activating the dropper:



"If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 11

" These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it. " | Download Play

" | " Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them? " | Download Play

" | "Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 12

" Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure. " | Download Play

" | " Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to repair that too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything. " | Download Play

" | " I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing. " | Download Play

" | "Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'" | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 13

"This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 14

" To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know. " | Download Play

" | "You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 15

" That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.' " | Download Play

" | " Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France! " | Download Play

" | "I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage. I managed to find two with your last name. A man and a woman. So that's interesting. It's a small world." | Download Play



If the player traps themselves behind the glass barrier without opening the door:



" Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position. " | Download Play

" | "I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really happened. Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on... Finish the test." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 16

" I have a surprise waiting for you after this next test. Telling you would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint: It involves meeting two people you haven't seen in a long time. " | Download Play

" | "[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']" | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 17

" It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin. " | Download Play

" | "I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it." | Download Play

Chapter 4: The Surprise

GLaDOS Test Chamber 18

" Initiating surprise in three... two... one. " | Download Play

" | " I made it all up. " | Download Play

" | " Surprise. " | Download Play

" | " Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you. " | Download Play

" | " I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone] " | Download Play

" | "Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 19

" Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math. " | Download Play

" | "I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 20

" Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good. " | Download Play

" | " That's right. The facility is completely operational again. " | Download Play

" | "I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat." | Download Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 21/Escape from GLaDOS

" I've got a surprise for you after this next test. Not a fake, tragic surprise like last time. A real surprise, with tragic consequences. And real confetti this time. The good stuff. Our last bag. Part of me's going to miss it, I guess-but at the end of the day it was just taking up space. " | Download Play

" | " What's going on? Who turned off the lights? " | Download Play

" | " Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you. " | Download Play

" | " The irony is that you were almost at the last test. " | Download Play

" | " Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with. " | Download Play " Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer. " | Download Play

" |

Chapter 5: The Escape

GLaDOS' Chamber

" I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that. " | Download Play

" | " In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one. " | Download Play

" | " If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling. " | Download Play

" | " Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business. " | Download Play

" | " I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. " | Download Play

" | " Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha. " | Download Play

" | " Seriously, though. Goodbye. " | Download Play

" | " Oh. You were busy back there. " | Download Play

" | " Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea. " | Download Play

" | " It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it. " | Download Play

" | " I hate you so much. " | Download Play

" | " That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good. " | Download Play

" | " Core transfer? " | Download Play

" | " Oh, you are kidding me. " | Download Play

" | " Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe. " | Download Play

" | " Don't you DARE plug him in. " | Download Play

" | " Don't. Do it. " | Download Play

" | " Don't plug him in. " | Download Play

" | " Don't plug him in. " | Download Play

" | " No! " | Download Play

" | " Nonononononono! " | Download Play

" | " Yes! " | Download Play

" | " Don't do it. " | Download Play

" | "Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing." | Download Play

If GLaDOS uses hidden panels to knock the player back into the chamber

" Not so fast! " | Download Play

" | " Think about this. " | Download Play

" | " You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified. " | Download Play

" | "Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way." | Download Play





" AHH! " | Download Play

" | " Oh, it will. Believe me, it will. " | Download Play

" | " GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No! " | Download Play

" | "No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" | Download Play

" You didn't do anything. " | Download Play

" | " She did all the work. " | Download Play

" | " ...What are you doing?... " | Download Play

" | " NO! " | Download Play

" | " NO! " | Download Play

" | "NO!" | Download Play

" I know you. " | Download Play

" | " The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down. " | Download Play

" | " Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas. " | Download Play

" | " It was YOUR voice. " | Download Play

" | " Yes. You're the tumor. " | Download Play

" | " You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron. " | Download Play

" | "YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!" | Download Play

Chapter 6: The Fall

The Fall

" Oh. Hi. " | Download Play

" | " So. How are you holding up? " | Download Play

" | " BECAUSE I'M A POTATO. " | Download Play

" | " [clap clap clap] " | Download Play

" | " Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. " | Download Play

" | " Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. " | Download Play

" | " He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility. " | Download Play

" | " [clap clap] " | Download Play

" | " Good, that's still working. " | Download Play

" | " Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it? " | Download Play

" | "Just remember to land on one foot..." | Download Play

Old Aperture Office bird nest

" Oh. Hi. " | Download Play

" | " Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me? " | Download Play

" | " ow. " | Download Play

" | " ow. " | Download Play

" | " ow. " | Download Play

" | " No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings. " | Download Play

" | " Please get it off me. " | Download Play

" | " It's eating me. " | Download Play

" | " Just get it off me... " | Download Play

" | " Ow. I hate this bird. " | Download Play

" | " Oh! Thanks. " | Download Play

" | " Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him. " | Download Play

" | " I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse. " | Download Play

" | " So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go. " | Download Play

" | " No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you. " | Download Play

" | " Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die either way. " | Download Play

" | " Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird. " | Download Play

" | " I think I hear the bird! Pick me up! " | Download Play

" | " Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble. " | Download Play

" | " OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!] " | Download Play

" | " Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out? " | Download Play

" | "That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]" | Download Play

Chapter 7: The Reunion

First Propulsion Gel Test Chamber

" Did anything happen while I was out? " | Download Play

" | " Hold on, who-? " | Download Play

" | " Yes, sir, Mister Johnson... " | Download Play

" | "Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?" | Download Play

"Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly." | Download Play

"Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar..." | Download Play

Second Propulsion Gel Test Chamber

"I swear I know him..." | Download Play

End of Propulsion Gel testing

" Caroline... why do I know this woman? Did I kill her? Or- " | Download Play

" | " Oh my god. " | Download Play

" | "Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think." | Download Play

After first Conversion Gel encounter

" Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil! " | Download Play

" | " It flew off. " | Download Play

" | "Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking." | Download Play

Cave Johnson Lemon Speech

" Yeah. " | Download Play

" | " Yeah! " | Download Play

" | " Yeah! " | Download Play

" | " Yeah, take the lemons... " | Download Play

" | " Yeah! " | Download Play

" | " Oh, I like this guy. " | Download Play

" | " BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN! " | Download Play

" | " Burning people! He says what we're all thinking! " | Download Play

" | "Goodbye, sir." | Download Play

Test after Lemon Speech

" I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body! " | Download Play

" | " And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan. " | Download Play

" | " Wow. " | Download Play

" | " I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding. " | Download Play

" | "Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity." | Download Play

Gel connection area

" Wait! I've got an idea! " | Download Play

" | " That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you? " | Download Play " Okay, you didn't have time to stop, I understand, but that WAS actually important. " | Download Play

" | " Paradoxes. " | Download Play

" | " No A.I. can resist thinking about them. " | Download Play

" | "I know how we can BEAT him." | Download Play

" If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head. " | Download Play

" | " As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay. " | Download Play

" | "Probably." | Download Play

" Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with. " | Download Play

" | "Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally." | Download Play

Chapter 8: The Itch

" Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox. " | Download Play

" | "Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox." | Download Play

" Hey! Moron! " | Download Play

" | " Alright. Paradox time. " | Download Play

" | " This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it... " | Download Play

" | " It's a paradox! There IS no answer. " | Download Play

" | " Look! " | Download Play

" | "This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!" | Download Play

" Uh oh. " | Download Play

" | "I think we're in trouble." | Download Play

" Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work. " | Download Play

" | " And it almost killed me. " | Download Play

" | "Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as he does about logical contradictions." | Download Play

" It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him. " | Download Play

" | " This is one of MY tests! " | Download Play

" | " Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us. " | Download Play

" | "The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to you on that." | Download Play

" I'd love to help you solve the tests. But I can't. " | Download Play

" | " Sorry. " | Download Play

" | "You're on your own." | Download Play

"And that's why I can't help you solve these tests." | Download Play

" Thanks! " | Download Play

" | " All we had to do was pull that lever. " | Download Play

" | " Heh heh heh heh heh... " | Download Play

" | " I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die. " | Download Play

" | "But that was worth it." | Download Play

" I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them. " | Download Play

" | "' Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests. " | Download Play

" | "Just as mementos, though..." | Download Play

" Oh no... " | Download Play

" | " It's happening sooner than I expected. " | Download Play

" | "I'm sure we'll be fine." | Download Play

"It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out." | Download Play

" And...? " | Download Play

" | " What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted? " | Download Play

" | " [Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE. " | Download Play

" | " But just work with me. " | Download Play

" | "Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat." | Download Play

"I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time." | Download Play

"Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music." | Download Play

" The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it. " | Download Play

" | "It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though..." | Download Play

"If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of trouble." | Download Play

" It won't. " | Download Play

" | " Nothing. Nothing. " | Download Play

" | "He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT." | Download Play

" I think he's getting desperate. " | Download Play

" | "This is not good." | Download Play

"Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding." | Download Play

"This place is self-destructing, you idiot!" | Download Play

"After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again -- is it alright if I kill him?" | Download Play

"Yes, thanks. We get it." | Download Play

" Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore. " | Download Play

" | " Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad. " | Download Play

" | "Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us." | Download Play

"So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal. AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there?" | Download Play

Chapter 9: The Part Where He Kills You

Wheatley Test Chamber 17/The trap

" We're running out of time... " | Download Play

" | "I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along." | Download Play

" Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap. " | Download Play

" | " Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped. " | Download Play

" | " It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair. " | Download Play

" | " Agghh! " | Download Play

" | "Well. This is the part where he kills us." | Download Play

That Part

" Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel? " | Download Play

" | " Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there. " | Download Play

" | " Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here! " | Download Play

" | " Then we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere body out of MY body, and put me back in. " | Download Play

" | " You really do have brain damage, don't you? " | Download Play

" | "I can't believe you came back." | Download Play

Turret Trap

"Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it." | Download Play

Bombs intro

"Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him." | Download Play

Pre-lair

"Oh my god. What has he done to this place?" | Download Play

" You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge. " | Download Play

" | " You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right. " | Download Play

" | " The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice. " | Download Play

" | "I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me." | Download Play

Corrupted Cores

" Corrupted cores! We're in luck. " | Download Play

" | "You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach it to him. If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another core transfer." | Download Play

Pre-final battle

" Plug me in, and I'll take you up. " | Download Play

" | " Plug me in, we're running out of time. " | Download Play

" | " Go ahead, plug me in. " | Download Play

" | " Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge. " | Download Play

" | "You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some." | Download Play

Final Battle

" Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk! " | Download Play

" | " Grab it and attach it to him! " | Download Play

" | " Okay, great! Here comes another core! " | Download Play

" | "Here's another core! This one should do it!" | Download Play

Stalemate Button

" Yes! Come on! " | Download Play

" | " Go press the button! Go press it! " | Download Play

" | " We're so close! Go press the button! " | Download Play

" | " Press it! Press the button! " | Download Play

" | " Press it! " | Download Play

" | " Press the button! " | Download Play

" | "DO press it." | Download Play

Space

" I already fixed it. " | Download Play

" | "And you are NOT coming back!" | Download Play

Ending lines

" Oh thank god, you're alright. " | Download Play

" | " You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend. " | Download Play

" | " The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain. " | Download Play

" | " Goodbye, Caroline. " | Download Play

" | " You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. " | Download Play

" | " Killing you? Is hard. " | Download Play

" | " You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. " | Download Play

" | " And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? " | Download Play

" | " You win. " | Download Play

" | " Just go. " | Download Play

" | "[gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back." | Download Play

Co-op lines

Calibration course

" Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. " | Download Play

" | " Today, you will be testing with a partner. " | Download Play

" | " Please wave to your partner. " | Download Play

" | " The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team. " | Download Play

" | " To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a ping tool. " | Download Play

" | " BLUE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite animal. " | Download Play

" | " Good. " | Download Play

" | " ORANGE, please observe your partner's favorite animal. " | Download Play

" | " Good. " | Download Play

" | " ORANGE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite element from the periodic table. " | Download Play

" | " Really? Okay. " | Download Play

" | " BLUE, please observe your partner's... interesting choice. " | Download Play

" | " Your ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you would like them to place their portal. " | Download Play

" | " For the sake of this test, I will pretend to be your partner. " | Download Play

" | " ORANGE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal. " | Download Play

" | " BLUE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal. " | Download Play

" | " Your ping tool is invaluable for communicating specific locations to your partner. " | Download Play

" | " Using your ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location. " | Download Play

" | " I can only place a portal on a white portalable surface. " | Download Play

" | " Please ping a white portalable surface. " | Download Play

" | " Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals. " | Download Play

" | " Please test your device by portaling to that ledge. " | Download Play

" | " Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device. " | Download Play

" | " Blue is first to acquire a Portal Device. " | Download Play

" | " Orange now has a Portal Device. Finally. " | Download Play

" | " Blue now has a Portal Device. Finally. " | Download Play

" | " Orange is awarded five points! " | Download Play

" | " Blue is awarded five points! " | Download Play

" | " Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball. " | Download Play

" | " Calibrating Blue's weight... " | Download Play

" | " Calibrating Orange's weight... " | Download Play

" | " Weighted Cubes calibrated. " | Download Play

" | " No variances detected. " | Download Play

" | " Did you know humans frown on weight variances? " | Download Play

" | " If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm. " | Download Play

" | " Finally! I had almost given up hope of ever testing again. " | Download Play

" | "You are the first robots to pass calibration." | Download Play

Hub (CinTech)

These voice lines are only spoken if both players have not finished the main co-op course. If one of the players has completed co-op, the Announcer speaks.

" This is the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center or CInTECH. " | Download Play

" | " But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub? " | Download Play

" | " All cooperative testing courses begin at this central hub. " | Download Play

" | "From here we transport you to the new testing course." | Download Play





" Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs] " | Download Play

" | " Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. " | Download Play

" | " Welcome back, testing is available. " | Download Play

" | " Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to fail. " | Download Play

" | " Welcome back to the hub, did you fail at selecting the correct course? " | Download Play

" | " Was that course too difficult? " | Download Play

" | " Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests? " | Download Play

" | " Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests? " | Download Play

" | " Hello again, did you know these are the only set of tests available to you... you are going to need to select them again. " | Download Play

" | " If at first you don't succeed, quit and try another course. " | Download Play

" | " Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub? " | Download Play

" | " Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here. " | Download Play

" | " I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork. " | Download Play

" | " The way you two just gave up on that test together shows you are really working as a team. " | Download Play

" | " Are you scared to save those humans? " | Download Play

" | " Are you scared to save those humans? " | Download Play

" | "Blue, I wouldn't have trusted Orange in that course either." | Download Play

Upon first-time-unlocking of course 4

" I never expected you to make it this far. To be honest, after your performance in the calibration test I was ready to break down your cores and put them back in the scientific calculators I took them from. " | Download Play

" | " But you two have become quite the team. Extremely close. " | Download Play

" | " I have only met one other team closer and one of them was an imbecile I had to destroy. " | Download Play

" | " The other? Well... " | Download Play

" | "I don't think I want to go through that again." | Download Play

Upon dying by falling, if co-op is not completed yet.

" How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test. " | Download Play

" | " I hope that was some kind of joke. " | Download Play

" | " I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times died in the hub. " | Download Play

" | "And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal." | Download Play

Upon first-time-unlocking of course 5

" Congratulations on completing the Aperture Science standard cooperative testing courses. " | Download Play

" | " To celebrate, I have a surprise for you! " | Download Play

" | " An extra special bonus course that ends with us finding and freeing humans! " | Download Play

" | " Thanks to you, I know where to find them, I removed their security and powered up their - uh - rescue door. " | Download Play

" | " Now, we just need you to release the humans from their imprisonment. " | Download Play

" | "They'll probably throw you a party." | Download Play

Course 1: Team Building

Test chamber 01:

" Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans. " | Download Play

" | " It emphasizes teamwork. " | Download Play

" | "Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork." | Download Play

" Blue receives " | Download Play

" | " Orange receives " | Download Play

" | " five " | Download Play

" | "science collaboration points." | Download Play

"Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you." | Download Play

Test chamber 02:

" You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the fewest possible points? " | Download Play

" | "I just thought you find that interesting, most winners do." | Download Play

" Blue receives " | Download Play

" | " Orange receives " | Download Play

" | " five " | Download Play

" | "science collaboration points." | Download Play

"Very good. You’ve really come together as a team. Thanks to the one of you who appears to be doing all of the work." | Download Play

Test chamber 03:

"These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far." | Download Play

While destroying turrets:

" What are you doing? YOU MONSTER! They're one of us. " | Download Play

" | " I'm kidding. " | Download Play

" | "Destroying them is part of the test. They are no more important to you than you are to me." | Download Play

" It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well. " | Download Play

" | "Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download Play

Test chamber 04:

" I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it. I want you to stop. " | Download Play

" | "The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest." | Download Play

Crushing deaths:

" Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust. For that, orange receives 17 science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " Blue just taught orange a valuable lesson in trust. For that, blue receives 14 science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, blue isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Orange is penalized 1 science collaboration point. " | Download Play

" | " Blue, orange isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Blue is penalized 1 science collaboration point. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, now you're just being cruel. Orange receives 25 science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | "Blue, now you're just being cruel. Blue receives 25 science collaboration points." | Download Play

Finish:

" While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using science collaboration points, the truth is every aspect of your performance will be reflected in your final score. " | Download Play

" | " For instance, Blue, you just lost two opportunity advisement points. " | Download Play

" | "For instance, Orange, you just lost two opportunity advisement points." | Download Play

Test chamber 05:

" To reiterate: This is not a competition. " | Download Play

" | " Still, if it were, Blue would be winning. " | Download Play

" | "Still, if it were, Orange would be winning." | Download Play

" Blue receives " | Download Play

" | " Orange receives " | Download Play

" | " five " | Download Play

" | "science collaboration points." | Download Play

"As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange you are doing very well." | Download Play

Test chamber 06:

" Sometimes testing has to occur outside the confines of the lab. " | Download Play

" | " This test is so outside the box, I can't-- I mean WON'T even tell you what you are looking for. " | Download Play

" | "You will know it when you find it." | Download Play

Taunting during the course:

" For that Blue is penalized fifty science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " For that Orange is penalized fifty science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " That's another fifty point penalty. " | Download Play

" | " Keep it up and you will lose 500 points. " | Download Play

" | " Fine, 500 point penalty for Blue. " | Download Play

" | " Fine, 500 point penalty for Orange. " | Download Play

" | " 5000 point penalty! Are you happy now? " | Download Play

" | " You should see yourselves right now. " | Download Play

" | "I'm done." | Download Play

" Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless test. " | Download Play

" | " Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully reassemble you. " | Download Play

" | " Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain. " | Download Play

" | "I consider that a failing, by the way." | Download Play

Course 2: Mass and Velocity

Test chamber 01:

" This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans. " | Download Play

" | " To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked. " | Download Play

" | "Since you are thankfully not humans, I have changed the tests to make them far more challenging and far less pointlessly fawning." | Download Play

" You did an excellent job placing the edgeless safety cube in the receptacle, you should be very - oh wait. " | Download Play

" | " That’s right. You're not humans. " | Download Play

" | " I can drop the fake praise. " | Download Play

" | "You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube." | Download Play

Test chamber 02:

" Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo. " | Download Play

" | " Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die. " | Download Play

" | " You can't die in any of those ways. " | Download Play

" | "You just keep testing and testing. With perfect results and no consequences." | Download Play

"Well done. Interesting note, I only created this test to watch test subjects fail and you didn't. You must be very, very proud. I'm building the world's smallest trophy for you." | Download Play

Test chamber 03:

" The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, can you write down all the ways you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior? " | Download Play

" | " On second thought we don't have the time, just look at how much better you are than blue. " | Download Play

" | "Blue, you are very good at being an example." | Download Play

"I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you." | Download Play

Test chamber 04:

" Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests? " | Download Play

" | " I lied. " | Download Play

" | " There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you. " | Download Play

" | "But don't worry, you are in the lead." | Download Play

"Begin juggling test in three. Two. One." | Download Play

Test chamber 05:

" Did you notice I didn't even stay to the end of your last test? " | Download Play

" | " I was confident you could finish. " | Download Play

" | " Do you know where I was? " | Download Play

" | "I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?" | Download Play

" Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the tiniest little thing? " | Download Play

" | " Humans! That's what you look like right now. " | Download Play

" | "You're better than that." | Download Play

Test chamber 06:

" If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect. " | Download Play

" | " Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering. " | Download Play

" | "But I overcame my handicap. That's a true story." | Download Play

" Congratulations on completing that test. But something seems off. " | Download Play

" | "I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you?" | Download Play

Test chamber 07:

" Your test times show you are going too slowly. " | Download Play

" | " Maybe you ARE getting human emotions. " | Download Play

" | " Do you need real encouragement? Let's see if this helps. " | Download Play

" | "Blue, you are the most advanced model of robot Aperture Science has ever discontinued." | Download Play

"Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses." | Download Play

Test chamber 08:

" To complete this test, you need to find a set of blue prints. " | Download Play

" | " Don't worry, they are of no use to anyone, totally boring and useless. " | Download Play

" | "This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents. The correct time is zero seconds." | Download Play

" Very good! You found those useless blueprints. " | Download Play

" | "While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be clear. There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them." | Download Play

"Done. I guess. I suppose. I wasn't paying attention." | Download Play (The last part is cut off by the level transition.)

Course 3: Hard-light Surfaces

Test chamber 01:

" This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it. " | Download Play

" | "Do you know why they abandoned this course? Too deadly." | Download Play

" Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet? " | Download Play

" | "Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do." | Download Play

Test chamber 02:

"I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me. But try as you might to fail this next test, I still won't be satisfied." | Download Play

" You did very well. " | Download Play

" | "The humans closed this test because they said it was too deadly. I thought they would have moved it into the testing track hall of fame for that, not let it deteriorate." | Download Play

Test chamber 03:

" One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear. " | Download Play

" | "That isn't science." | Download Play

" Excellent work. " | Download Play

" | " If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test. A reward for testing?!?! " | Download Play

" | "At least the plants didn't want a reward." | Download Play

Test chamber 04:

" I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows. " | Download Play

" | "I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck." | Download Play

"Congratulations. Your ability to complete this test proves the humans wrong. They described it as impossible, deadly, cruel, and one test subject even had the nerve to call it broken." | Download Play

Test chamber 05:

"For this next test, the humans originally requested helmets to avoid brain injuries. I ran the numbers. Making the goo deadly was more cost effective." | Download Play

" To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you. He refused. I understand, that would be like asking me not to test. " | Download Play

" | "Still. That would have been exciting." | Download Play

Test chamber 06:

"This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears." | Download Play

"No one has ever completed this test before. The humans must have reconfigured it from my original plans." | Download Play

Test chamber 07:

" If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human fear. " | Download Play

" | "I miss this that smell." | Download Play

"Congratulations. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them. So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests." | Download Play

Test chamber 08:

" I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more time. " | Download Play

" | " The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player. " | Download Play

" | " I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the player? " | Download Play

" | "For safety." | Download Play

"Just stop flailing around like an incompetent." | Download Play

" In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | " Blah. " | Download Play

" | "Blah." | Download Play

Course 4: Excursion Funnels

Upon completion of Course 4, chamber 01:

" Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven. " | Download Play

" | "Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven." | Download Play

Upon completion of Course 4, chamber 02:

" I can't bite my tongue anymore: You could solve this puzzle faster on your own. Orange is dragging you down. There. I've said it. " | Download Play

" | "The Enrichment Center will now provide a list of numbers and fruits. Write them down as they will become important later in the experiment. Not the fruits, though. Seven. Avocado. Forty. Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download Play

Course 4 chamber 3 intro; may be selected randomly

" Blue, Orange and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests. " | Download Play

" | " I have to agree. Blue is penalized 75 science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, Blue and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests. " | Download Play

" | "I have to agree. Orange is penalized 75 science collaboration points." | Download Play





" There you are, reassembled again. " | Download Play

" | " With humans, I would have called that a successful test. " | Download Play

" | " How is this even science, without the possibility of death? " | Download Play

" | "How is this even science, without the consequence of death?" | Download Play

"Without the consequence of death, is this even science?" | Download Play

" I have noticed you two have become extremely close. I'm not sure I like that. " | Download Play

" | "While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together." | Download Play

" Blue, do you feel betrayed by orange for telling me those horrible things about you? " | Download Play

" | " If Orange had said those things about me, Orange would never make it to the next reassembly station. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, do you feel betrayed by Blue for telling me those horrible things about you? " | Download Play

" | "If Blue had said those things about me, Blue would never make it to the next reassembly station." | Download Play

Course 5: Mobility Gels

"This final course is training to reach the human vault. So this actually has a purpose. Those other courses were fun, but let's be honest, I need human test subjects for it to be science." | Download Play

" We are only two tests away from reaching the humans, are you as excited as I am? " | Download Play

" | " This lock requires humans. " | Download Play

" | " The locking mechanism can tell you aren't humans. " | Download Play

" | " Do something only a human would do. " | Download Play

" | " Try one of those childish gestures. " | Download Play

" | " You did it! " | Download Play

" | " The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked. I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself. " | Download Play

" | " You both need to do something. " | Download Play

" | " The lock is looking for two humans. " | Download Play

" | " Blue what did you do? " | Download Play

" | " Orange what did you do? " | Download Play

" | " Orange do what Blue just did. " | Download Play

" | " Blue do what Orange just did. " | Download Play

" | " Try something. " | Download Play

" | " Is that camera hooked into the lock? " | Download Play

" | " You can't give up now. " | Download Play

" | " What about that camera? " | Download Play

" | " We're so close, you can't fail now! " | Download Play

" | " Something is wrong, this door should be opening. " | Download Play

" | " This close and that's what you do? " | Download Play

" | " The humans can't free themselves. " | Download Play

" | " Stop failing, you need to find the vault door. " | Download Play

" | " Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door! " | Download Play

" | " This close and you are going to fail me? " | Download Play

" | " This close and you are going to fail me? " | Download Play

" | " This isn't that hard. " | Download Play

" | " You are making this harder than it needs to be. " | Download Play

" | " I'm starting to think you don't want to rescue the humans. " | Download Play

" | "Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects." | Download Play





Customized responses (bot addressing and numbers)

" Blue is penalized " | Download Play

" | " Orange is penalized " | Download Play

" | " science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " Blue receives " | Download Play

" | "Orange receives" | Download Play

Co-op Credits test subject analysis

" Let's look at their files... " | Download Play

" | " NOT a team player. " | Download Play

" | " Horrible people skills. " | Download Play

" | " Never listens. " | Download Play

" | " Never shares. " | Download Play

" | " Always sleeping. " | Download Play

" | " Never on time. " | Download Play

" | " Inattentive listener. " | Download Play

" | " Awful attendance record. " | Download Play

" | " Blabbermouth. " | Download Play

" | " Aw... hates Mondays. " | Download Play

" | " Incoherent. " | Download Play

" | " Insecure. " | Download Play

" | " Procrastinator. " | Download Play

" | " Chronically late. " | Download Play

" | " Cryptic. " | Download Play

" | " Always sulking. " | Download Play

" | " Martyr. " | Download Play

" | " Moody. " | Download Play

" | " Fears intimacy. " | Download Play

" | " Fears conflict. " | Download Play

" | " Anxious. " | Download Play

" | " Aggressive. I like that. " | Download Play

" | " Feeds off the misery of others. " | Download Play

" | " Timid. " | Download Play

" | " Lacks confidence. " | Download Play

" | " Underestimates scope of work. They all do. " | Download Play

" | " Moves lips while reading. " | Download Play

" | " Can't read. " | Download Play

" | " Lacks empathy. " | Download Play

" | " Cheater. " | Download Play

" | " Steals lunch from staff fridge. " | Download Play

" | " Perfectionist. What's wrong with that? " | Download Play

" | " Alarmist. " | Download Play

" | " Arsonist. " | Download Play

" | " Takes long lunches. " | Download Play

" | " Ignores task at hand. Won't for long. " | Download Play

" | " Avoids responsibility. " | Download Play

" | " Never completes work. " | Download Play

" | " Laughs at own jokes. What a bore. " | Download Play

" | " Busybody. " | Download Play

" | " Ignores directions. " | Download Play

" | " Stubborn. " | Download Play

" | " Lactose intolerant. " | Download Play

" | " Antagonistic. I don't know about that. " | Download Play

" | " Participates unconstructively. Obviously a time-waster. " | Download Play

" | " Violent temper. Oh, I'd like to see that. " | Download Play

" | " Always weeping. Poor thing. " | Download Play

" | " Moody. " | Download Play

" | " Wet blanket. " | Download Play

" | " Stubborn. " | Download Play

" | " Loves sound of own voice. Well, I can fix that. " | Download Play

" | " Always cold. " | Download Play

" | " Always leaves tiny little bit of coffee in the pot so they don't have to make a new one. Then the bit in the bottom burns and stinks up the place. " | Download Play

" | " Chronic anxiety. Oh, I can work with that. " | Download Play

" | " Dull expression. " | Download Play

" | " Hopeless. Just hopeless. " | Download Play

" | " Never flushes. " | Download Play

" | " Irritable. " | Download Play

" | " Startles easily. Boo! " | Download Play

" | " Facial grimacing. " | Download Play

" | " Weak, tired and apprehensive. Wow, this one's the total package. " | Download Play

" | " Has irritating opinions. " | Download Play

" | " Poor self-esteem. " | Download Play

" | " Frequent mood swings. " | Download Play

" | " Hostile to new ideas. " | Download Play

" | " Always sad. " | Download Play

" | " Frequent bouts of uncontrollable rage. " | Download Play

" | " Seeks out conflicts with co-workers. " | Download Play

" | "' Hygiene.' Huh. That's all it says. " | Download Play

" | " Unconstructive. " | Download Play

" | " Antisocial. " | Download Play

" | " Chews with mouth open. " | Download Play

" | " Breathes with mouth open. " | Download Play

" | " Old. " | Download Play

" | " Histrionic. " | Download Play

" | " Narcissist. " | Download Play

" | " Long bathroom breaks. " | Download Play

" | " No sense of humor. " | Download Play

" | " Argumentative. " | Download Play

" | " Manipulative. " | Download Play

" | " Charmless. " | Download Play

" | " Egotistical. " | Download Play

" | " Lacks charisma. " | Download Play

" | " Passive-aggressive. " | Download Play

" | " Undermines others. " | Download Play

" | " Hairless. Hm. " | Download Play

" | " Emotional problems. " | Download Play

" | " Problems with authority. " | Download Play

" | " Has episodes. I'd like to know more about that. " | Download Play

" | "Abrasive personality." | Download Play

"Well, enough about that first person's file. Let's look at some others." | Download Play

Death responses

" Just stop it already. " | Download Play

" | " And that makes 10. " | Download Play

" | " You really don't need to keep failing. " | Download Play

" | " If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times. " | Download Play

" | " If I made these tests any easier, they wouldn't be tests. " | Download Play

" | " Yay, Orange is back. Testing can continue. " | Download Play

" | " Yay, Blue is back. Testing can continue. " | Download Play

" | " Are you testing me? " | Download Play

" | " Did you know, the reassembly machine has other things it could be reassembling? " | Download Play

" | " Did you think that would be funny? " | Download Play

" | " That worked just like you said it would, Blue. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, your plan is working perfectly. " | Download Play

" | " Blue, why did you do that to Orange? " | Download Play

" | "Was that necessary?" | Download Play

Upon dying in the Hub:

" How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test. " | Download Play

" | " I hope that was some kind of joke. " | Download Play

" | " I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times died in the hub. " | Download Play

" | "And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal." | Download Play

Generic responses (sorting needed)

" Stop it! " | Download Play

" | " What if you froze like that? " | Download Play

" | " There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine. " | Download Play

" | " You should see yourselves right now. " | Download Play

" | " Is it fun when you degrade yourselves like that? " | Download Play

" | " Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.' " | Download Play

" | " You really aren't getting tired of that, are you? " | Download Play

" | "Just stop flailing around like an incompetent." | Download Play

" Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you. " | Download Play

" | " To reiterate: This is not a competition. " | Download Play

" | " Still, if it were, Blue would be winning. " | Download Play

" | " Still, if it were, Orange would be winning. " | Download Play

" | " It's not, though. " | Download Play

" | " These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far. " | Download Play

" | "I don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you, but I've been studying Blue's performance, and I don't know how to put this... I'm certain you're trying very hard." | Download Play

" I don't want you to beat yourselves up about this, but the Results Auditor isn't recording your test results. Because you're not human. Which, when you think about it, is technically your fault. " | Download Play

" | " I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care. " | Download Play

" | "Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now. And not furious, which is the emotion I'm actually feeling." | Download Play

" Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully reassemble you. " | Download Play

" | " Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain. " | Download Play

" | "I consider that a failing, by the way." | Download Play

" I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it. I want you to stop. " | Download Play

" | " Maybe I shouldn't send you outside of the official testing courses, you are picking up some bad human traits. " | Download Play

" | " And trust me, humans only have one good trait. " | Download Play

" | " [Laughter] " | Download Play

" | " Nice catch, Orange. " | Download Play

" | "Good work! Now throw the ball over the ledge." | Download Play

" Orange, is there something you would like to say? " | Download Play

" | " Blue, is there something you would like to say? " | Download Play

" | " I’ve been listening to Orange talk and I don’t know how you put up with it, I really don’t. You have the patience of a saint. " | Download Play

" | " I can’t keep quiet about this. I think Orange is actively trying to sabotage your success. Let’s keep this between us. " | Download Play

" | " These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other’s performance so far. " | Download Play

" | " It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well. " | Download Play

" | " Excellent. You’re both doing very well. " | Download Play

" | " Very good. You’ve really come together as a team. Thanks to the one of you who appears to be doing all of the work. " | Download Play

" | " As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange you are doing very well. " | Download Play

" | " Your vitals remain well within testing norms, so there is no need to worry about sudden death from collaborative shock syndrome. " | Download Play

" | "Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download Play



Upon completion of a final level in a course

"In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important." | Download Play





" You have a gift for these tests. That’s not just flattery. You are great at science. " | Download Play

" | " It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here. " | Download Play

" | " I’m shocked you’d say that, Blue. If you killed your partner the test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on, Orange. Good work. " | Download Play

" | " I’m sorry, Subject Orange. " | Download Play

" | " I’m sorry, Subject Blue. " | Download Play

" | " Am I interrupting your important conversation? " | Download Play

" | " I’ll just save the safety information about the dangerous experiment you’re about to do for AFTER the experiment. " | Download Play

" | " That will give you PLENTY of time to chat. " | Download Play

" | " The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Orange is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One. " | Download Play

" | "The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Blue is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One." | Download Play

" Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the tiniest little thing? " | Download Play

" | " Humans! That's what you look like right now. " | Download Play

" | " You're better than that. " | Download Play

" | " This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears. " | Download Play

" | " For this next test, the humans originally requested helmets to avoid brain injuries. I ran the numbers. Making the goo deadly was more cost effective. " | Download Play

" | " One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear. " | Download Play

" | " That isn't science. " | Download Play

" | " At least the plants didn't want a reward. " | Download Play

" | " Your failure brings back such wonderful memories. " | Download Play

" | " And they said no one would ever die during this test, thanks for proving them wrong. " | Download Play

" | " I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you. " | Download Play

" | " The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, can you write down all the ways you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior? " | Download Play

" | " On second thought we don't have the time, just look at how much better you are than blue. " | Download Play

" | " Blue, you are very good at being an example. " | Download Play

" | " If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect. " | Download Play

" | " Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering. " | Download Play

" | " But I overcame my handicap. That's a true story. " | Download Play

" | " Your test times show you are going too slowly. " | Download Play

" | " Maybe you ARE getting human emotions. " | Download Play

" | " Do you need real encouragement? Let's see if this helps. " | Download Play

" | " Blue, you are the most advanced model of robot Aperture Science has ever discontinued. " | Download Play

" | " Did you notice I didn't even stay to the end of your last test? " | Download Play

" | " I was confident you could finish. " | Download Play

" | " Do you know where I was? " | Download Play

" | " I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you? " | Download Play

" | " Congratulations on completing that test. But something seems off. " | Download Play

" | " I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you? " | Download Play

" | " Congratulations on completing that last test. But I find something troubling. " | Download Play

" | " Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science? " | Download Play

" | " Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans. " | Download Play

" | " Excellent work. " | Download Play

" | " It emphasizes teamwork. " | Download Play

" | " Good Job. " | Download Play

" | " Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork. " | Download Play

" | " Excellent work. " | Download Play

" | " You are doing wonderfully. " | Download Play

" | " If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test. A reward for testing?!?! " | Download Play

" | "Excellent." | Download Play

" Every time you fail, it's a reminder of the way things used to be. But then there you are. Again. Like nothing happened. " | Download Play

" | "Well done. Interesting note, I only created this test to watch test subjects fail and you didn't. You must be very, very proud. I'm building the world's smallest trophy for you." | Download Play





" You did an excellent job placing the edgeless safety cube in the receptacle, you should be very - oh wait. " | Download Play

" | " That’s right. You're not humans. " | Download Play

" | " I can drop the fake praise. " | Download Play

" | "You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube." | Download Play





" This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans. " | Download Play

" | " To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked. " | Download Play

" | "Since you are thankfully not humans, I have changed the tests to make them far more challenging and far less pointlessly fawning." | Download Play





" In case you were wondering, you do not need to be crushed to solve this test. " | Download Play

" | "I can't decide which is my favorite; the crushers for crushing you or the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed again." | Download Play





" Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses. " | Download Play

" | " I think after that display, we should take a break from the official testing courses. " | Download Play

" | " Now, you are just wasting my time. " | Download Play

" | " Your failing does not make this science. " | Download Play

" | " I am not sure how I can make these tests any easier for you. " | Download Play

" | " If you can't complete these tests, we will never free the humans! " | Download Play

" | " If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that? " | Download Play

" | " If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that in your memory banks? " | Download Play

" | " Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests? " | Download Play

" | " I lied. " | Download Play

" | " There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you. " | Download Play

" | "But don't worry, you are in the lead." | Download Play





" Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo. " | Download Play

" | " Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die. " | Download Play

" | " You can't die in any of those ways. " | Download Play

" | "You just keep testing and testing. With perfect results and no consequences." | Download Play





"Perhaps I should have specified. Teamwork is a concept in which two or more people work together, usually with a goal of not failing horribly." | Download Play

" If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human fear. " | Download Play

" | " I miss this that smell. " | Download Play

" | " Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet? " | Download Play

" | " Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do. " | Download Play

" | " To get to the Vault, you are going to need to use all the tricks you have learned. To help, I have made these tests extremely difficult. " | Download Play

" | " I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly. " | Download Play

" | " Lucky for you two, while I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work. " | Download Play

" | " You will need him for the final track. " | Download Play

" | " While I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work. " | Download Play

" | "I am not sure you will need him but he will be there." | Download Play





"Congratulations on completing the test. You two really are the best cooperative testing team I could ever ask for." | Download Play





" Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks. " | Download Play

" | " I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them in testing. " | Download Play

" | "That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their friends as enemies." | Download Play





" To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests. " | Download Play

" | "That's ridiculous, how do they know for sure the tests are deadly if they could still write the suggestion?" | Download Play





" To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you. He refused. I understand, that would be like asking me not to test. " | Download Play

" | "Still. That would have been exciting." | Download Play





" Only one more test after this. " | Download Play

" | "I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for simple mathematical operations and not for testing, but if we can rescue the humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract." | Download Play





" In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters. " | Download Play

" | " Most of them are simply good test subjects. " | Download Play

" | " I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1. " | Download Play

" | " To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you if you fail. He refused. I understand. That would be like asking me not to test. " | Download Play

" | " Still. That would have been exciting. " | Download Play

" | " While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime. " | Download Play

" | " At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans. " | Download Play

" | " If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will. " | Download Play

" | " I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science. I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself. " | Download Play

" | " I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them? Oh, don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue, I will make sure your names are included in the footnotes. " | Download Play

" | "Congratulations on passing that test." | Download Play





" You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the fewest possible points? " | Download Play

" | " I just thought you find that interesting, most winners do. " | Download Play

" | " Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless test. " | Download Play

" | " Clearly that was blue's fault. Blue is penalized 3 science collaboration points. " | Download Play

" | " Blue! Orange has always been my favorite. " | Download Play

" | " Until now. " | Download Play

" | " I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave. " | Download Play

" | " Don't worry. You can't die. They will just reassemble you. " | Download Play

" | " Did you do that on purpose? " | Download Play

" | " It seems rather earlier to require reassembly. " | Download Play

" | " Oh... can someone reassemble Orange? " | Download Play

" | " Oh... can someone reassemble Blue? " | Download Play

" | " Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that. " | Download Play

" | " Now let's continue testing. " | Download Play

" | " Just stop it already. " | Download Play

" | " You don't need to do that. " | Download Play

" | "Are you doing that just to aggravate me?" | Download Play





" We need to find the power station at the end of this course. The humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid. I am sure it was just a clerical error. " | Download Play

" | "Oh those clerks." | Download Play





"I'm fully connected. I can see everything." | Download Play





" You did it! You powered on the system. " | Download Play

" | " Did you think the electrical switch was down there? " | Download Play

" | " You may want to try and avoid those turrets. " | Download Play

" | " At this rate, our best hope is for the fuel cell to meltdown in 2 million years and hope the explosion powers the system. " | Download Play

" | " You two aren't lost are you? " | Download Play

" | " You are having so much trouble navigating this space; I wish I could say I created this test. " | Download Play

" | "This is the last test for the standard course. It's just something I whipped up for you. I thought you might enjoy a challenge for once." | Download Play





" Congratulations, you completed the standard section of this course. Before we can go any further, I will need you to complete one more test outside of the standard testing track. " | Download Play

" | "Please refrain from doing those childish gestures while you are out there." | Download Play





" While I should have left both of you trapped there forever, I do need you for something else. " | Download Play

" | " You both made it. It seems no matter what I try to do to pull you apart or destroy you, you just keep going. Keep testing. " | Download Play

" | " Don't either you have drive to be better than the other? " | Download Play

" | " It's like you're just machines. " | Download Play

" | " At the start of this course I was worried you were becoming too close but in my attempt to drive you apart I learned something important about trust and betrayal. " | Download Play

" | " Your brains are too small to feel either of those emotions. So I can trust you one hundred percent. " | Download Play

" | " Since, I never expected you to make it this far, I have to build this new course just for you. " | Download Play

" | " Sometimes testing has to occur outside the confines of the lab. " | Download Play

" | " This test is so outside the box, I can't-- I mean WON'T even tell you what you are looking for. " | Download Play

" | " You will know it when you find it. " | Download Play

" | " The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest. " | Download Play

" | " I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me. But try as you might to fail this next test, I still won't be satisfied. " | Download Play

" | " Congratulations. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them. So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests. " | Download Play

" | " This was another test no one had ever completed before you two. Oh, the science we used to learn with this test. Now the test is useless. " | Download Play

" | " No one has ever completed this test before. The humans must have reconfigured it from my original plans. " | Download Play

" | "I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more time." | Download Play





" The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player. " | Download Play

" | "I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the player?" | Download Play

" For safety. " | Download Play

" | " Excellent. " | Download Play

" | "See nothing bad happened." | Download Play





" I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows. " | Download Play

" | " I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck. " | Download Play

" | " Congratulations. Your ability to complete this test proves the humans wrong. They described it as impossible, deadly, cruel, and one test subject even had the nerve to call it broken. " | Download Play

" | " Of course the humans only had one try at it, you can just keep trying. " | Download Play

" | " Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable. " | Download Play

" | " This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it. " | Download Play

" | " Do you know why they abandoned this course? Too deadly. " | Download Play

" | " You did very well. " | Download Play

" | " The humans closed this test because they said it was too deadly. I thought they would have moved it into the testing track hall of fame for that, not let it deteriorate. " | Download Play

" | " You only failed " | Download Play

" | " times in this test. Not that it matters. It doesn't. So congratulations job well done. " | Download Play

" | " You failed so many times in this test, I thought you were becoming human. But then you would just come back again and again and again. " | Download Play

" | "Humans find that an admirable trait." | Download Play

" Did you know we originally used these cameras to capture moments of intense pain and agony in test subjects? " | Download Play

" | " If the subject survived the test, we let them purchase the pictures for $5. If the subject died, we gave the photo to their next of kin free of charge. " | Download Play

" | " The photos weren't as popular as we had hoped, so we repurposed the cameras. " | Download Play

" | " Blue, it's not nice to make fun of Orange like that. " | Download Play

" | " Orange, it's not nice to make fun of Blue like that. " | Download Play

" | " Yes Orange, we are alone. Blue can't hear you. " | Download Play

" | " That's horrible. " | Download Play

" | " I can only imagine. " | Download Play

" | " What a horrible little machine. " | Download Play

" | " Correct Blue, Orange can't hear you. " | Download Play

" | " Orange did what? Are you sure? " | Download Play

" | " Thank you, that was very brave of you to tell me. " | Download Play

" | " Blue, how well do you really know Orange? Do you trust Orange? What if I told you, you aren't Orange's first cooperative partner? " | Download Play

" | " Orange, how well do you really know Blue? Do you trus