PITTSBURGH—Steelers officials confirmed Thursday that strong safety Troy Polamalu has been placed on injured reserve with a broken neck following an unfortunate incident in the team barn involving dim-witted quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. “Oh no, I done a bad, bad thing,” said the hulking simpleton and two-time Pro Bowler, who reportedly furrowed his brow attempting to comprehend the situation as Polamalu remained face-down and motionless on the bed of straw. “I just wanted to touch his soft, pretty hair, that’s all. I didn’t mean to hurt him none, honest. Aw, I gonna get hell now.” At press time, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin was reportedly speaking to Roethlisberger about the team’s bright future while pointing a Luger pistol at back of the feebleminded quarterback’s head.

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