As prophesied, I bought an iPad. My intent was and is to use it as a home information and entertainment device rather than a serious work machine, but nonetheless I'm writing this column on my new tech toy.

In part this is because I'm hoping this will be the first professional column written and – God help me – illustrated on the iPad. Also, the on-screen keyboard is actually a good size for thumb-typing with my monstrously huge hands.

As it turns out, this week a reader also sent me a working Virtual Boy. This is an intriguing and somewhat troubling coincidence, as some skeptics, Apple-haters and blog-wags have compared Steve Jobs' latest sensuously curved computing device to Nintendo's greatest failure since the ill-considered crossover game Contra Kong.

As one of the few people to own both devices, I have to ask: What if the naysayers are right? Should the fence-sitters who are still considering the iPad get a Virtual Boy instead? Would they be happier as early adopters or really, really extremely late adopters? In the interest of uncovering truth and filling column inches, let's compare them side by side.

Price (new in box) ——————

iPad: $500 and up.

Virtual Boy: $200 to $300 on eBay.

Winner: Virtual Boy

Attention in Cafes ——————

iPad: Sly stares, possible conversations.

Virtual Boy: Fear and confusion at the unfamiliar and dangerous-looking device. You will be given wide berth.

Winner: Virtual Boy

Mario Games? ————

iPad: None, unless you count a couple unauthorized soundboards.

Virtual Boy: Two, one of which comes with the console. Plus a Wario game, which is kind of like a Mario game.

Winner: Virtual Boy

Usable in Bed? ————–

iPad: Yes, if you don't mind sitting up and holding it like some sort of caveman, or propping it against a pillow like an animal.

Virtual Boy: Just lie back and put the goggles on your face. You are now living in utopia.

Winner: Virtual Boy

Screen ——

iPad: 768x1024 pixels, full color, 178-degree viewing angle, automatic rotation.

Virtual Boy: 3-D, man. Real life is 3-D, so the Virtual Boy is more realistic unless you only have one eye.

Winner: Virtual Boy, unless you only have the one eye.

Internet Connectivity ———————

iPad: Quirky, inconsistent.

Virtual Boy: Rock-solid, reliable. Absolutely no connectivity no matter how close the router. Consistently incompatible with all Wi-Fi protocols, present and future.

Winner: Virtual Boy

eBooks ——

iPad: Lots of them, but you can't read them in direct sunlight. Plus, the device is kind of heavy, so your wrists might get tired after reading them for a while.

Virtual Boy: None yet, but someone could theoretically make a cartridge with a book on it in which a yelling character's words jump out at you and vibrate, which is so cool it overshadows the fact that it doesn't exist.

Winner: Virtual Boy

Writing Columns —————

iPad: Possible, but kind of a hassle.

Virtual Boy: So impossible that I'd just use a laptop like a normal human being.

Winner: Tie

As much as I'd like to deny it, my allegiance is to the truth, and the truth is that the Virtual Boy matches or beats the iPad in all important aspects. At least I can console myself with the knowledge that I'll use both of them more than I ever used my PSP.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a real boy, a virtual boy and a cabana boy.

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