People around Palmerston North give their opinion on whether it's OK to have swear words engraved on gravestones.

There is no place for expletives on headstones in public cemeteries, says Palmerston North mayor Grant Smith.

He is calling for better vetting of memorials after a grieving family complained about an inscription they found unacceptable facing their father's grave.

The family of the late Vincent Drummond-Paul, who chose a lyric from a song including a swear word for the inscription, were distraught when the council covered it up to protect a widow's sensitivities.

WARWICK SMITH/FAIRFAX NZ Kelvin Grove Cemetery, Palmerston North, where a council decision resulted in a headstone of Vincent Paulo-Drummond being covered to avoid offending others.

Smith said the situation should never have arisen.

"There definitely should be rules, and we will be working with council staff to ensure such an incident does not happen again."

There needed to be better guidelines, and more senior staff needed to be involved in the process, which would look at images and symbols and other grave decorations as well as words, Smith said.

But the chief executive of trauma, loss and grief support group Skylight, Heather Henare, said it would be hard to devise rules that would be useful in every situation.

READ MORE: *Family upset that council covered over headstone

Henare said what both families needed was not a rule book, but someone to help them navigate their way around the problem, and hopefully reach a compromise.

"It's about someone being able to consider both families' perspectives and circumstances and look at what would be an acceptable level of space between the two.

"It's really important that people's feelings are not minimised. Both are probably valid."

Henare said gravesites were extremely important places for the bereaved.

Anything that denigrated their space was most upsetting.

People also needed to feel it was a safe place.

"Different cultures grieve differently, different religions grieve differently and have different celebrations.

"It's about the council trying to navigate on behalf of both families, respecting what they are both going through, both wanting to claim their space for their loved ones and sharing connections in their own way."

The other family involved in the headstone conflict asked not to be named and did not want to comment publicly.

The inscription on the back of the headstone surprised city council planning and policy committee chairwoman Annette Nixon simply by being there.

She had not realised the backs of headstones could be written on, and she could see how that could impact on people visiting the grave it backed on to.

"I would have thought, out of respect for the grave backing on to the plot, that would have been kept clear of inscription."

Nixon said the council should review its policy given the back-to-back layout of the graves.

The question about whether there should be rules about what people could have written on gravestones would need a wider debate.

"The question about social acceptability I think needs a wider discussion with the community."

The council last reviewed its Cemeteries and Crematorium Bylaw in 2013.

Issues were raised in consultation about restrictions on gardens and decorations on graves in the lawn cemetery, and changes were made to allow for future natural burials, but there were no submissions about whether there should be rules about inscriptions.

The bylaw requires applications to be made for headstone approval.

The wording of any proposed epitaph or inscription and associated graphics must be "acceptable" to council.

Palmerston North monumental mason David Winchcombe from Anderson Memorials said it was quite common to have words on the back of headstones.

He said masons did not make rules restricting what people could have inscribed.

"I do what the customer wants, and the council will soon let me know if it's not acceptable."

That had only happened once in his memory.

About 10 years ago he remembered submitting some wording that he did not think was offensive, but it had given rise to a disagreement between family members about what was appropriate.

Funeral Directors Association chief executive Katrina Shanks said the Kelvin Grove issue sounded like a unique situation, and it should be at the discretion of the council as to which memorial plaques are considered appropriate.

"I think [the council] should be able to have that discretion.

"I don't think it needs to be regulated but I think someone needs to be in that position of control."

However, the council would need to speak to all parties before making those decisions, she said.

"Memorials are very important to people in the process of what they go through to say goodbye to someone they love. It's the very end thing they do in most instances in terms of having an action to say goodbye. So it's important councils are respectful of that part of the process as well."