WASHINGTON—after a major security breach this month at the White House, the Secret Service announced today that it would take the aggressive step of locking the front door.

“While we do not wish to overreact to what we think is an isolated incident, we recognize that changes are required,” said Julia Pierson, Director of the Secret Service. “I am therefore directing the Service to start locking the door of the White House, especially when we see crazy people that we’ve caught with hatchets outside.”

Pierson announced that if for any reason a law-abiding citizen found himself or herself locked out of the White House, she would leave a spare key under a small ceramic gnome just off to the left. “Also, if you use the secret ‘Shave and a Haircut’ knock, we’ll open up right away,” she promised.

Pierson said the Secret Service had not yet confirmed rumors of a so-called “backdoor” security problem at the White House. “We have no evidence of that,” said Pierson. “If we do find a back door, you can rest assured we will really seriously consider whether we might want to lock it as well, or at least not oil the hinges so it is really squeaky.”