Cultural activities: In many countries in this part of the world, where water is scarce, it is common to come across ancient wells. Although it is our custom to drop coins or pebbles down such wells to listen to the splash, this practice is best avoided in Iran as you may accidentally hit a 9th century Imam who is patiently sitting down at the bottom. Waking him up may have unpleasant consequences (see Appendix Z: Armageddon and the nuclear holocaust at the end of the world).

Shared interests: Many Iranians clearly share a deep affection for Australia's famous Grand Slam tennis player John Newcombe, whom they like to refer to as "Our Newq's". You will hear his name pop up in all sorts of odd conversations, but just smile and nod politely.

Bazaars: A visit to the local bazaar is a highlight of any trip to Tehran. Have a decent wander around, because here you can buy pretty much anything you want, such as herbs, spices, breads, flowers, Kalashnikovs, Qassam rockets, Yassin anti-tank missiles, Al Quds multiple grenade launchers, Sariya 240mm mortars, Pakistani nuclear warheads, Yemeni slave girls, Persian rugs, saffron, fresh turmeric, koofteh meatballs etc.

Sightseeing: There's plenty to look at as you wander around the ancient villages admiring the rotting corpses of stoned adulteresses, but of course don't forget to look up and keep you eyes peeled for homosexuals being tossed off those sloping rooftops.

Topography: There are plenty of beautiful villages and towns dotted around the mountainous regions of Iran, and plenty of large impregnable cities dotted deep beneath them.

Literature: Do not be surprised to find a book in the bedside of your hotel room; this is a quaint local custom allowing you to enjoy popular best-sellers as you drift off to sleep. Common titles are likely to include The Protocols of Zion, Mein Kampf, Holocaust? What Holocaust?, Auschwitz revisited etc.

Bargaining tactics: Iranians love to haggle (must be all those bazaars!) However, here are several well-worn strategies that have been carefully honed over many years to give you the best possible advantage in negotiations:

The Saddam: Yell and scream all sorts of threats across the desert then sit back and watch as your army gets annihilated by suicidal 10-year-olds.

The Assad: Insist to the Iranians that they can use your country to base their Hezbollah troops in so they can invade Lebanon and attack Israel whenever they feel like it, and in exchange ask them to give you enough chemical weapons to massacre your own people with.

The Barack: Start off by telling the Iranians how they have to mend their wicked ways or you will punish them severely. Then gradually wear them down by agreeing to every single demand they make, plus a little extra for good measure, whilst simultaneously abandoning every precept you went in with. Never fails.

The Aussie: Ask them to take back 9000 of their own citizens who fled the joint because it's such a hellhole (or because they're gay, female, Christian, or quite fancy the idea of living in a country that isn't terrorised by "religious" police) and when they say "no" offer to give them all your military intelligence so they can go and massacre Syrian rebels, Sunni Iraqis and Kurds instead.

Twitter @rowandean