Body “What!? Why? Is that the alarm? What the hell time is it?”

Brain “You don’t want to know. Seriously. But this is for you.”

Body “How is this for me?”

Brain “You gotta digest some food before we do this Ironman.”

Body “…I hate you sometimes.”

Brain “Don’t worry, we have time for LOTS of coffee.”

Body “…I love you sometimes.”

–

Body “What are you doing?”

Brain “Checking that everything is set for the bike.”

Body “Why? Hop on and pedal!”

Brain “Nooo… the mount line is at the base of a hill, you want to go from a stand still in the big ring?”

Body “…I could.”

Brain “Look, it’s going to be a long day. The weather might make it feel even longer, let’s not get all macho here, K?”

Body “Okay… but I could.”

Body “Why are we getting in the water already? I thought we had like half an hour until the start?”

Brain “Yeah for some reason they want us out of transition now.”

Body “Huh. I don’t want to. Can we just stand in the water?”

Brain “Sure.”

–

Brain “Alright, time for a little bit of warmup.”

Body “Ugh, how much? I hate warming up.”

Brain “Just swim out to the start buoy and we’ll call it good.”

Body “Why don’t we just wade out?”

Brain “It’s too deep to stand out there.”

Body “…Wait. So 1800 triathletes have been treading water out there waiting for the start for like 15-minutes?”

Brain “Yup.”

Body “Why?”

Brain “Just shut up and swim until you find me someone else to talk to.”

–

Body “How much longer?”

Brain “I think he said a minute.”

Body “K. I’m going to fucking give’r and crush this shit.”

Brain “Nooo… remember, we’re not doing a swim race, it’s a triathlon, we gotta bike over mountains and then run a marathon after this. Take it easy, enjoy the sights.”

Body “Well, what if we-“

<Starting horn goes off>

Body “FREEEEEDOOMMMM!!!!!”

Brain “God dammit… Actually, you know what? I’m cool with this. There’s like 1800 triathletes behind us and that kinda freaks me out, let’s get some open water.”

–

Body “Alright, I don’t want to do this any more.”

Brain “What? We’re not even at the first buoy?”

Body “Can I stop?”

Brain “Keep up some speed to the first buoy then cruise.”

Body “K.”

Brain “And for fucks sake, follow the buoy line instead of zig-zagging all over the place.”

–

Body “What’s that? Why do they have a weird cap?”

Brain “Looks like the last place pro woman.”

Body “Mmmm… souls.”

–

Body “Hey was that the beach? Can we get out now?”

Brain “Nope! One more lap!”

Body “Just one more? Promise? You’ve played this trick on me before.”

Brain “Promise. Then we’ll go ride bikes.”

Body “Awesome!”

–

Body “Hmm lots of people out here now.”

Brain “Yeah, just let ‘em be.”

Body “What the hell was that guy wearing?”

Brain “Looked like a fuel belt… over his wetsuit…”

Body “…how long was he planning on being out here?”

–

Brain “Okay. That was the last turn. Let’s get out of here.”

Body “Yeah! Let’s go ride bikes!”

–

Body “What the hell? Why is that volunteer on a SUP cutting us off? Let’s swim around him.”

Brain “How about we just talk to him?”

Volunteer (pointing to the swim course) “That way!”

Elliot “No thanks, I’ve already done two loops!”

Volunteer (smiling with surprise) “Oh! Well yeah, go straight ahead!”

Elliot “Thanks man! Appreciate the concern!”

Brain “Alright, it’s too shallow to swim, up we go.”

Body “Rawwwrrrr!!! I always feel like Godzilla when we do this part!”

Brain “Goggles up, zipper down, start pulling the wetsuit off.”

Body “Hey is the announcer dude talking about us?”

Brain “Yeah I think we went under the course record. Good job buddy!”

Body “Hey this volunteer wants to pull the wetsuit off, I’m gonna let her do it because I don’t want to.”

Brain “Sure, but … Wow. They got that off fast. K, grab it and run to our bag. Remember, keep the long line of bags on our left and stay left at the first tree, our bag is about two-thirds down the line.”

–

Body “Let’s go already!”

Brain “Dude, trust me, lets towel off. You don’t want to be doing this with wet hair.”

Body “Let’s gooooooo….”

Brain “Alright alright alright.”

–

Body “Uh, dude… how long is the weather going to be like this?”

Brain “Just focus.”

Body “I can’t. There’s no damn windshield-wipers on the sunglasses. I can’t see shit.”

Brain “Just… the line on the shoulder. Just kinda follow that. But don’t ride on it, it might be slippery.”

Body “K, but … this is going to suck for a while.”

Brain “Yeah yeah, I know. Let me deal with the details.”

–

Brain “Okay, here’s the plan. At the bottom of this hill is the turn to Callaghan, when we start going uphill I’ll take off the sunglasses and we’ll try riding like that for a bit. Should make it seem less gloomy too. Also we need to eat and get some water on board.”

Body “Are you fucking kidding me? Water? We’re soaking wet. We are literally dripping with water. No fucking way I want any inside.”

Brain “No no, you gotta take some in. It’s deceptive, we still sweat … on the uphills at least. Long day ahead and we gotta make it through the whole thing.”

Body “K, I’ll try.”

Brain “What do you mean try?”

Body “Well… how did you want to drink exactly?”

Brain “From the bottle.”

Body “Yeah… so we need to talk about our fingers. They’re not really functioning well. Go ahead and try and grab the bottle.”

Brain “Oh fuck. Okay. Just mash it between your fingers and palm.”

Body “That worked! Augh! Why did you put these bottles in the fridge last night?”

Brain “Hush. Now eat something. Chomps are in the top tube pouch — and I cut the packs open already. YOU’RE WELCOME.”

Body “They taste like cold sadness.”

–

Body “Where is everyone else?”

Brain “Well, we’re pretty far out from the swim, and the pro’s are all a lot better on the bike so they’re up near the top.”

Brain “I’m here with you buddy.”

–

Body “Hey look! Pro’s coming down the hill!”

Brain “Holy crap they’re going fast for the conditions. We’re not going to do that. We’ll take it a bit calmer.”

Body “About that… remember how hard it was to use a water bottle? Yeah, we need to talk about brakes.”

Brain “Fuck. K. Looks like we can still squeeze the brakes safely. For now anyway, just to be safe we’ll alternate putting hands in arm pits while we’re climbing.”

–

Brain “Alright, it’s going to be cold going down now. We’ll hammer on the short bits of uphill to get some heat going but on the downhills we’re going to always stay in control, K? Even if it means slowing down and taking a bit longer to get down.”

Body “Okay! I really, really don’t want to come off the bike.”

Body “Actually, you know what… I mean, I really don’t want to fall off the bike, but I really do want to get off the bike. You know?”

Brain “You mean you want this ride to be over already?”

Body “Definitely.”

Brain “Okay… well, look, here’s the thing… We have about an hour and a half until we get to Pemberton…”

Body “Yeah..?”

Brain “…and that’s the halfway point.”

Body “…WTF.”

Brain “Look, I’m pretty sure the forecast just said ‘showers’ — so the rain should be over any minute now.”

Body “Yeah.. alright.”

–

Brain “Look, that guy up ahead is a pro. Let’s just keep him in sight and focus on that.”

Body “He’s not going very fast.”

Brain “How do you know?”

Body “Because we’re going the same speed and I can’t feel anything below the knees so I’m pretty sure we’re not going very fast either.”

Brain “That’s very clever. Hmmm.. he’s pulling over and stopping. Maybe he got a flat.”

Body “Maybe he’s just smarter than us?”

–

Body “I-i-s it just me or have we not s-s-seen anyone in a l-l-long time?”

Brain “It’s just us out here. It’s so cold. And bleak.”

Body “H-h-how do we k-n-n-ow the r-r-race isn’t c-c-canceled?”

Brain “Surely someone would drive by and let us know?”

Body “M-m-maybe we s-s-should just l-l-lay down over on t-t-the side of the r-r-road for a bit. S-s-see if anyone c-c-comes by?”

Brain “That does sound nice. I bet it’s warmer if we laydown. I remember laying in bed this morning and that was warm.”

Body “T-t-hat was so n-n-nice. W-w-why did we s-s-stop d-d-doing that a-g-gain?”

Brain “I forget exactly. Something about crushing people.”

Body “…I f-f-feel c-c-crushed.”

Brain “Hey, remember that episode of ER where Doug made the kid sing so he could tell he wasn’t losing it from hypothermia?”

Body “Y-y-yeah…”

Brain “I want you to sing the same song so I can keep track of how we’re doing.”

Body “O-o-okay…T-t-take me o-out to the ba-a-a-all g-g-game…. T-t-take me o-out to the ba-a-a-all g-g-game… T-t-take me o-out to the ba-a-a-all g-g-game…. T-t-take me o-out to the ba-a-a-all g-g-game…. “

Brain “God damnit. Is that the only part of the song we know?”

Body “Y-y-you t-t-tell m-m-me?”

Brain “Shit. If anyone comes by and hears us shivering in the rain saying that over and over again they’ll think we’ve lost our minds.”

Body “I’m p-p-pretty s-s-sure t-t-they’d know t-t-that j-j-just by l-l-looking at us…”

–

Brain “Hey someone just passed us!”

Body “S-s-o the r-r-race isn’t c-c-canceled?”

Brain “Sorry buddy. She must be the first pro woman.”

Body “…I w-w-was h-h-hoping the r-r-race w-w-was c-c-canceled.”

Brain “WTF. Is that Ryan Smiley finally passing us too?”

Body “W-w-what t-t-took h-h-him s-s-so l-l-long? A-a-and h-h-how the f-f-fuck is he s-s-still a-a-actually smiling?”

Brain “His face probably froze that way. Hey, guess what?”

Body “W-w-we’re g-g-going t-t-to s-s-stop and n-n-nap?”

Brain “No, worse. But better. We’re going to go down a huge hill. It’s going to be really, really cold. But it’s pretty much the last downhill of the day.”

Body “F-f-fuck. I c-c-can’t w-w-wait f-f-for t-t-the c-c-climb outta P-P-Pemberton.”

–

Brain “Hey the rain stopped. And it’s warmer out here on the flats.”

Body “Yeah! … I have good news and bad news about that though.”

Brain “Oh?”

Body “Yeah, so I can feel everything now and the good news is it’s all still there.”

Brain “And the bad news?”

Body “Quads are randomly cramping up. Shoulders are really sore and I don’t want to ride aero any more. And it feels like there’s water pooling in the shoes.”

Brain “Okay. We also need to make up some calories. Shivering will have burned some unplanned calories.”

Body “K.. I have to pee.”

Brain “Alright, tell you what. At the aid station on the way out, let’s get off the bike for a sec, stop into a porta-potty and check our hydration status out. We can also give the quads a bit of a stretch.”

Body “Really!? We can get off the bike!?”

Brain “Yeah, but we gotta get back on.”

–

Brain “Okay, so somehow we’re still hydrated. Let’s take it easy out of here and get on that climb and get really warmed up.”

Body “Okay!”

–

Body “How long ’til we’re done with the bicycling?”

Brain “Probably about an hour or so.”

Body “I don’t ever want to ride a bike again. Ever.”

Brain “How do you feel about running?”

–

Body “People!”

Brain “Yeah we’re back to the village, just a few turns to transition.”

Body “Then we can ditch this stupid bike?”

Brain “Yup! Someone will take it from us.”

–

Brain “There’s Jillian and Laurel! Smile at them!”

Body “No smiling! They wouldn’t believe it anyway.”

Brain “Okay.. slow it down before the line there.”

Body “Annnnd get-me-the-fuck-off-this-thing.”

Brain “K, let’s just walk through transition. No sense in slipping around now.”

Body “I don’t walk. I stroll.”

Brain “Whatever. Just go find our bag and get into the change tent.”

–

Body “Get all this shit off me.”

Brain “Easy. Try not to let the quads cramp up. We’re gonna need them.”

Body “Feet are soaked.”

Brain “Here, try these nice, dry, wool socks.”

Body “OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING EVER!”

Brain “You’re welcome buddy.”

Body “…did you hear that?”

Brain “What?”

Body “…I think the announcer is out there talking about our swim time and how we’re currently sitting in the tent getting ready to run.”

Brain “…well that’s awkward. Okay, let’s hobble the hell out of here.”

Body “Man…”

–

Body “So how far are we going again?”

Brain “Hah.. uh.. it’s a marathon.”

Body “No seriously, like a 10km or what?”

Brain “Nope. Full marathon.”

Body “…Why do you get us into this shit? Do you remember the story about the first marathon?”

Brain “Yeah of course, Pheidippides ran from Marathon to Athens to deliver news of victory and then died.”

Body “Yeah exactly — he died… And do you think he rode his bike across the mountains to get to Marathon before running to Athens?”

Brain “Well… look…”

Body “No. Just shut up… God dammit.”

–

Body “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “Sure buddy. We talked about this before, we’ll go when you need it. There’s an aid station up here…”

–

Body “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “We just went at the last aid station!”

Body “I need to go again!”

Brain “Well… alright.”

–

Body “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “…Look. I don’t want to say you’re lying to me. But… what’s going on?”

Body “I have no idea. It’s like we’re dying from the inside out or something? Hmmmm why could that be? What that we’ve done today could possibly be causing such internal chaos? Hmmm…”

Brain “Alright. Less snark. We’ll go.”

Body “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “No you don’t. Fuck this.”

Body “Yes I do.”

Brain “Okay, new deal. If you have to go right when we’re passing some porta-potties, you can go. Otherwise we’re just going to keep running.”

Body “Why don’t we NOT keep running?”

Brain “No way man. Are you kidding me? The worst is over: it’s dry, there’s water and gels every mile, there’s like a gazillion volunteers out here who will do ANYTHING to help us, we get to see Jillian a few times, there’s that nice little bit of forest we get to run through before Green Lake.. and not to mention, there’s still HUNDREDS of other people out there still on the bike who aren’t going to give up. Fuck you man. We. Are. Not. Stopping.”

Body “Jeez. Chill out. Let’s eat some gels. Hey get some Pepsi at the next aid station.”

–

Body “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “La-la-la-la-la-la!”

–

Runner “Bear on the side of the trail!”

Brain “La-la-la… what? Hey dude, stop running”

Body “Sure!”

Brain “Where’s the bear?”

Brain “HOLY SHIT!!!”

Body “What’s the big deal? He looks like the thing that the honey comes in.”

Brain “Yeah exactly… we’re basically covered in gel goop and, no offense, but we can’t exactly out run him.”

Body “So if we keep moving we might get eaten? Otherwise we just stand here forever?”

Brain “I … think there’s probably a third choice.”

Body “I don’t think so. But I’m cool with either… just so long as there’s no running involved. Or biking. Fuck biking.”

Brain “Okay, he’s gone off into the woods again, let’s go.”

Body “…I wish he would’ve eaten us.”

–

Brain “Hey buddy, I have a treat for you.”

Body “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “Yeah yeah. But the special needs station is up ahead. And in our bag is 3 espresso flavored gels.”

Body “You got me coffee!?!?”

Brain “I got US coffee! …kinda.”

Body “Oh my! I feel silly! I didn’t get you anything!”

Brain “Just get us to the end of this fucking race.”

Body “Okay…”

–

Body “Garmin is buzzing about some shit.”

Brain “Hmmm.. battery’s getting low.”

Body “Jeez, even the electronics are dying.”

Brain “Okay. We’re almost at the 30km point of this run. Here’s the deal, we’ll take a gel at 30km, 35km and 40km. And when we’re having them, we can walk.”

Body “Alright!!”

–

Brain “This is it, we don’t have to run past or through this stuff any more. No more Green Lake or golf course.”

Body “Good. I hate Whistler. I never ever want to see any of it again.”

Brain “No you don’t. But this day does need to end.”

Body “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Brain “…Okay. One last stop.”

Brain “Hear that? It’s the announcer dude at the finish line!”

Body “He sounds peppy, why doesn’t he come to us?”

Brain “It’s not how this works. Come on. Last little bit.”

Body “Oh what the fuck. Why is it so windy and there’s a hill at the end? Who designed this?”

Brain “Just shut up and walk that little hill. Wuss.”

Body “Oooohhhh!!! It’s a gentle downhill after that!”

Brain “What a lovely treat for you.”

Body “Whoa, look at all these people watching the finish!”

Brain “Yeah… Hey… think you can raise your arms up?”

Body “…why? It’ll probably smell bad.”

Brain “Ha.. true. But the picture will look good.”

Body “Fine. There. Can we go lay down now?”

Thanks to everyone that pushed me forward and then caught me at the end.

Links: Strava (Swim/Bike/Run) / Ironman Results / Photos