Someone you care about has just told you they no longer believe the church is true. And you’re left with questions, questions, questions!!! Before you open your mouth and fire away, take a deep breath and let’s talk.

Your loved-one is feeling vulnerable right now and you’re probably upset. This is a crucial moment that could determine the tone of your relationship. When searching for answers please don’t ask these 10 questions:

Did you ever have a testimony? This implies that you feel your loved-one is weak, lazy, or a liar. Afterall, in the church, an indication of a strong testimony is someone who never turns away or has doubts. If your friend had questions they couldn’t just “put on the shelf” for the remainder of time then they must have been faking it all along, right? To me, this question really just says, “I know you never had a real testimony”. Not nice.

2. Why are you allowing your pride to drive your decisions?

Oh, Pride, you little bitch! You’re such a little trouble-maker! Seriously though, this question feels like a cop-out. Because if someone doesn’t believe the church is true then that must mean they’re “leaning to their own understanding”, which we all know is bad. Reading, careful consideration, and “ponderizing” are only good when the answers lead back to the church, right?! How about we recognize that as beings of higher intelligence we have a brain that we can utilize to make decisions. Or, did you consider that your loved-one may have fasted and prayed and felt leaving the church was the answer?

3. What about your kids?

Having grown up in a devout Mormon family, I understand the concern there is for children to be raised in “the gospel”. When you ask this question in the back of my mind I hear, “You’re not a good parent and won’t know how to teach your kids to not be terrible people”. My husband and I try to be loving, caring people. It’s important to us that our kids aren’t psycho/sociopaths. We’re fairly confident we can teach our kids to think of others and to be loving and accepting; even without the church in our lives.

4. Don’t you want to be with your family forever?

Why would you ask this?!! This isn’t a question waiting for an answer;this “question” is a passive/aggressive way of telling your friend they’re making the wrong choice. You are certainly entitled to your feelings, just remember that your loved-one is entitled to their feelings as well.

5. So, do you think the rest of us are delusional?

So, any question that begins with “So,…” is off to a bad start, but especially this question. “So” is an adverb used to emphasize a clause or negative statement. And the rest? Them’s fightin’ words!!!! You’re suggesting that one of us has to be delusional, one of us has to be wrong. Why can’t we just agree that as individuals we will process and perceive things differently? There’s no way you’re asking this question and expecting a civil response. So, please don’t ask it.

6. Do you believe in anything ?

This question says, “I can’t believe you don’t believe the Mormon church is the 1 true church!!!!” If you could take a step back you might recognize how closed-minded that thought is. There are 7.4 billion people on the earth right now. There are 15.6 million members of the church with fewer than that being “active”. That means 0.2% of the earths population is Mormon. Do you really think everyone else is wrong? I do believe in helping others, loving others, and being the best version of myself I can be.

7. What can I say to make you come back?

Initially, this question seems friendly enough. But, there are two things that come to mind when I consider this question: 1. This person is trying to absolve themself of any responsibility to “find the lost sheep” or 2. This person is really saying, “I know you’re not going to come back”. It’s really a question asked to make you feel better about yourself. Instead of asking your friend this question go home and write in your journal and do some soul-searching.

8. Why can’t you “give ‘Joe’ a break”?

When someone asks this question I wonder if they know the full history of the church. It’s a lot easier to “give Joe a break” when you base that decision off of what’s taught about him in primary and the church manuals. If someone knows the untold stories of church history and Joseph Smith’s life and still chooses to believe, they’ve made an informed decision. Although I disagree with that decision to stay in the church I will allow them to feel the way they feel and I expect the same treatment from them. Whether you know the history or not this question should not be asked.

9. Do you ever worry that you’re wrong?

Why would you ask this question? This question is the most offensive one I’ve been asked, so far. This question is saying so many things about the inquirer: 1. They think you’re wrong. If you’re a TBM (true believing member) then I’ve already assumed that you think it’s a bad idea to leave the church so asking this question is unnecessary. 2. They think you’re an idiot. Only a real friend would think this. 3. They’re scared that the church might not be “true”. Before I had my faith crisis I saw others leave the church and it was so upsetting to me. I thought this was just out of concern for their eternal salvation, but it wasn’t until I decided to leave the church that I finally understood the real source of my distress; I had been scared that the church might not be true. It’s reassuring when others feel the way you do, especially when the rest of the world thinks you’re strange. But when someone walks away from the church it can make you question what you really know. Again, this is a question for your journal. Here’s a question to ask yourself: if I acted in the same way that Joseph had acted would I be given a break?

10. Why can’t you just walk away?

It wasn’t that long ago that I wondered that about others. I couldn’t understand why someone would leave the church in the first place, but it really bothered me when they couldn’t leave it alone. My, how the tables have turned. There are many reasons people lose their faith, and everyone reacts differently. For me, the church was my life. When you’ve centered all the important decisions in your life on something that falls apart it’s not easy to just forget it and move on.

It’s hard to know what questions will and won’t offend someone. Everyone is different and will respond in their own way. As a TBM, you may be concerned for your exmormon friend, and that’s ok. If you have to ask questions be certain of why you’re asking and what exactly you’re trying to understand. Focus on the present and how they feel now rather than trying to compare them to who they used to be. Watch your tone as well; you could be saying one thing, but it comes out saying something else. As an exmormon I love questions- that’s how I’ve been able to learn and grow. So, go ahead, ask questions, but be prepared to get answers.

Best of luck and lots of love!