So there’s this bar by my apartment called South. It’s right next to another bar and a block away from another bar and two blocks to the right of another 4 other bars and 3 blocks to the left of 2 more bars and it’s not the bar I live above.

Do you see what I’m doing here? Are you grasping the geography of my neighborhood? It’s saturated with bars. If you dig deep enough into the earth, amber colored geysers shoot straight up in the air and you have no choice but to yell “yeehaw!” and tip your stetson. Since when do you wear stetsons anyways? Whatever. Liquor. Liquor everywhere.

skip to the recipe and past my incredibly thoughtfully written story about drinking and eating and eating and drinking…

Each of these bars have something specific going for them. They have to – I mean my shitty Jack and Diet Cokes taste equally shitty no matter where I go. From giant fish tanks behind the bar, to horrible interior decorating, to serving beer at 8am on saturdays for soccer games, to excessive gardens, to a full menu served til 4am, to having the worst set of regulars anyone has ever come across who are always fucking loitering always, these places have it all. Or rather, they all have like one thing.

But South is my favorite for exactly two gimmicky reasons: free popcorn and Peanut Butter and Jelly and Jalapeno Sandwiches.

There have been countless (seriously though, countless – I definitely don’t black out or anything ever) times that I have gone out for the night with the sole intention of getting drunk enough to stop for a PBJ+J sandwich on my way home. And when I set my mind to something, I fucking deliver. Or at least I’m pretty sure I do because I always wake up tasting like ketchup and happiness.

Anyways, it’s an unlikely pairing and at first it sounds disgusting. Maybe even on second thought it does too. But you’re wrong. You’re so wrong, you stupid jerk. Buttered white bread, Jiff peanut butter, grape jelly, jarred jalapeno slices – all pressed in a panini maker to make one heavenly 3am treat. It’s just perfectly sweet and spicy and crunchy and really fucking good. Douse it in some ketchup as I am wont to do and you’ll have me in nearly an orgasmic state. I’ve brought a lot of people with me to South to eat one of these at various times of night and no one has ever been disappointed. I mean, not that I can remember.

So that’s the long and winding story about the inspiration behind these cookies and the many bars I drink many, many drinks at.

These cookies were my final half dozen in a long series of experimental stop-being-so-damn-dry half dozen sets. I’ve been eating a hell of a lot of dough all day and I have the stomach cramps to prove it.

On to the cookies!

PEANUT BUTTER and JELLY and SRIRACHA CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

makes just 6 cookies

ingredients:

2 tablespoons tahini

2 tablespoons peanut butter (you can use all PB if you want, I just think it was a little drier that way)

1 tablespoon maple syrup

2 tablespoons vegan butter

1 tablespoon ground flaxseed mixed with 3 tablespoons water

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/4 cup almond milk

1 tablespoon Sriracha

15g (32 chips if you’re an obsessive psycho) dark chocolate chips

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons or so of your favorite jam which is clearly plum preserves because hot damn that shit is tasty

the only place sriracha doesn’t belong is in my eyeballs. I mean unless I’m eating my own eyeballs…

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Set aside.

In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, salt, and baking soda. Set aside.

In your mixer, combine the tahini, peanut butter (or just peanut butter) and maple syrup. Add the vanilla, flax and water mixture, and almond milk and mix til fully combined. Add the flour mixture and mix until just incorporated. Add the sriracha and mix until your dough is a solid reddish. Mix in your chocolate chips with a wooden spoon.

Using an ice cream scoop, scoop mounds of cookies onto the prepared baking sheet. Press them down lightly with your palm to flatten them into ½” disks. Use a spoon or just your thumb or whatever to make a little indent in the center of each cookie. Spoon a little jam in there. Bake for 11-12 minutes or until the edges of the cookies are just lightly browned.

NUTRITION