SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy Pelosi.

“We beat the spread!” exclaimed Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez. Now happily anticipating taking control of the House of Representatives in November of this year, the party is celebrating by giving past-and-future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi the gavel she will use on the House floor.

“Leader Pelosi has been such an inspiring figure for all of us in defeating ‘President’ Trump by losing elections more narrowly than usual” said Mr. Perez. “She deserves our appreciation for will-having-been delivered us total victory in November” he finished, without blinking.

Riding a wave of angry sentiment against President Trump, Democratic Party groups were able to invest $72 million worth of 5.6 carat diamonds into Mrs. Pelosi’s new gavel.

With the Democrats’ lead on generic congressional shrinking, some suggest the massive fortune could have better been spent on get-out-the-vote efforts and outreach for lesser-known candidates in competitive districts.

“But didn’t you see what Larry Sabato said?” asked Mr. Perez of these critics. “We came close in Arizona! This election is over. We’re already printing ‘blue tsunami!’ victory shirts and planning a parade in San Francisco!”

Nancy Pelosi could not be reached for comment, as she was testing her gavel on various photos of Conor Lamb.

Hiral Tiperneni and an umpa-loompa contributed to this report. They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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