Men...Suicide...the Tragedy

The difference between the rates of suicide for women and men is staggering. Feminists attribute this to the evils of men, that the patriarchy is to blame, that if only feminism, gentle and good, is allowed to supplant patriarchy all will be well. Is it really that simple?

Suicide and men is not good party conversation, not good conversation period. Like my mother, we, as a society, seem to go about our business not wanting to examine or openly discuss the issue. But if we were to reverse the tables, and these statistics showed women committing suicide with such frequency and so disproportionately, it would be called gender genocide by women's groups. The funding would be there, and we would find out why. But male suicide is not a woman's issue, it's not a special interest group's issue, it involves only half of our population. The male side. The side that's taught to achieve individually, to provide and protect, and to tough it out when life's problems appear to be overwhelming.

No Easy Answers

Why do men kill themselves? There are no easy answers. But there are common threads that weave their way through many of those who choose to take their own lives. I talked to three people I know who had someone close to them commit suicide. It wasn't hard to find these people. Those dying are our brothers, our uncles, our fathers and our friends.

Janet comes from a family of two sisters and two brothers. Originally from Idaho, the family moved to California for a better life. Her brother recently committed suicide. He was twenty-one. He used a gun. When asked her thoughts on the reasons for his suicide, Janet explains it this way: "My brother was depressed, he was on medication, and he was drinking a lot. He had been threatening suicide, so it wasn't a surprise when it happened." Janet talks of the symptoms, depression, alcohol, medications, and threats of suicide. The underlying problems, the causes go unnoticed. Further discussion with Janet reveals that her brother was in a relationship that had ended badly and he was unemployed.

Kenneth is gay. He lived with Phil for five years. Phil was an artist who did illustrations for books. He had a daughter by a previous marriage. He was forty- two when he overdosed on pills. Five years have elapsed since his death, and Kenneth has had time to think about it and reflect. "I guess Phil killed himself because he was depressed, he just couldn't take the depression, he was on medication, but it wasn't working. I think his problems just overwhelmed him." Further discussion reveals that their relationship had ended and Phil was in the process of moving out.

Margie's father committed suicide ten years ago. He was in the family van parked in front of their house. He used a gun. When asked for her thoughts on the reasons for his suicide, she explains it this way: "I really don't know why, he was depressed, not happy, I guess he felt useless." Depression seems to be a common symptom among those who commit suicide. Why he was depressed is the question left unanswered. Further discussion reveals that he was retired, the children had grown and left the house and the family had enough money to live comfortably through an inheritance.

Suicide and men. Why?

Volumes have been written on the subject of suicide. We tend to think about it as a fact of life, affecting both genders equally. This is not the case. Perhaps we need to look at it as a male issue. By doing so, the truth about why may be revealed to us. By focusing on men, we may be able to see the answers more clearly. Women attempt suicide more often than men, but men succeed. It is undeniable that men lead the way in this area. We need to study those that succeed for the answer.

It is clear that men have more demands placed on them at an earlier age. The competitiveness that's built into the male culture, and society's demands on men to be protectors, providers and superstars, all are contributing factors. The nation's laws which require that men register to defend the country if needed, add to pressures. The community's need for protection usually is met mainly by males. We value those men who achieve individually, and ignore those who don't. We encourage men to "tough it out" when confronted with problems. These factors together may be the reason for the alarming male suicide statistics. Whereas women are often encouraged to develop nurturing skills, taught to help each other through life's traumas, men are rarely taught these skills.

Dr. Warren Farrell, author of The Myth of Male Power (5) devoted a chapter in his book to this issue. Dr. Farrell believes that men commit suicide in far greater numbers than women when they feel unloved, unneeded, or they feel they are a burden to society. They have spent their youth training to be achievers, to be providers and protectors, and never learned the skills to deal with the humiliation that comes with failure in any of these areas.

Upon reexamining all three of the people I interviewed, Dr. Farrell's analysis appears to hold. Although the interviews were simplistic in nature, there is a thread that weaves its way through all three deaths: the sense of being unloved, unneeded, or a burden to those around you.

Janet's brother lost at love, and was unemployed (unloved and unneeded). He was trained from an early age that to win at love he must achieve, and be a good provider. He failed, and perhaps the humiliation was too great. Phil's relationship had ended and he felt unloved. The depression and the medication added up. Unfortunately, when men lose at love, there are no "Lost At Love" shelters available. There are no widely advertised government sponsored support groups for men in emotional pain. And since men are not trained in nurturing skills, they're not likely to have found many male friends who are trained listeners, trained nurturers. They are taught to be strong, and go it alone. Unfortunately their problems are often too great to handle alone. Margie's father, no longer the provider, felt unneeded. His family had grown and left. He, from a generation that didn't seek emotional help when needed, from a generation that stormed the beaches of Normandy, burying the emotions deeply to survive, didn't have the wherewithal to say "I need help." Feeling unneeded, depressed, like a burden on society, a burden on his family, he ended his humiliation the only way he knew how.

The Tragedy

Suicide and men is a tragedy. From Vincent Foster in the White House to O.J. Simpson's threat of suicide on the freeways of Los Angeles, it is a tragedy, a male tragedy, and it can't be ignored any more. Like my mother's explanations of her brother's death, we can no longer call it appendicitis, and hope that suffices. It's time to talk about it, to call it gender genocide, to call it what it is, a male issue that needs our attention.

"Oh my dear sons, why, why? Why do you choose to die, in such numbers ... without a song, without a sound, without a sigh. Why, why?" - Anonymous

Many thanks to Warren Farrell for writing The Myth of Male Power . The statistics in this article are taken from his research on males and suicide.