Modern Tory party only f*cking kids financially and socially, insist officials

With allegations of child abuse against former Conservative prime minister Edward Heath, the current Tory government has promised they’ll only ever f*ck kids financially and socially.

Detectives in Wiltshire, London, Jersey, Kent and Hampshire are now known to be examining claims that the former Tory leader was a paedophile, though government officials insisted the current crop are not that way inclined whatsoever.

A party spokesperson explained, “We’re not into the direct physical abuse of children, not at all. We’re more into the unrelenting socio-economic abuse of the poorest ones.”

“Honestly, nothing gets us off quite like it.”

“We don’t like horrific photos of children under the control of paedophiles – but show us a photo of a small dirty child crying outside a food bank whilst its mother tries to scrape up enough handouts to make it some dinner, and blimey – you’ll really get our motor running.”

“You could hang your coat on it.”

“No, don’t worry, the way in which we prefer to f*ck kids is perfectly legal – trust us, we’ve checked.”