A rapper by the name of Lil Dicky recently went stratospheric with the release of Earth, a song featuring pop royalty singing as different flora and fauna to celebrate our wonderful planet – yet another attempt to convince people to change their behaviour, when I think we all know it’s over.

I heard the song in the background somewhere, and decided that this was going to be a song I would introduce to my kids. Every now and again, as part of my continuing effort to convert my children to the joys of hip-hop, I will ask Alexa (other in-house robot spies are available) to play them a song. I am careful to use the clean versions, as my wife doesn’t want them listening to swearing. Normally what happens is this: one of the boys asks Alexa to stop, tells me the song I have chosen sucks, and then asks Alexa to play something else, like George Ezra or anything from the Lego Movie 2 soundtrack. So far I’ve managed to put them off Wu-Tang Clan, Kendrick Lamar, J Cole, Anderson .Paak and many others.

I have liked Lil Dicky for a while, but this was the first song I thought the kids might like, too. So at breakfast, I asked for Earth to be played and sat back, waiting to enjoy their adulation. And I was right: the children loved it, but not for the reasons I had hoped.

It turns out I hadn’t listened to the song properly. It starts with Justin Bieber singing, “Hi I’m a baboon, I’m like a man, just less advanced and my anus is huge.” So far so great. These lyrics made my kids laugh, and we could even have an educational discussion about the anatomical inaccuracy of the song. Then we heard Ariana Grande as a zebra, and the kids were impressed. I started planning how I would gloat about this to my wife. The next section was the bit that made my kids love the song and think I am a legend. Unfortunately it was also the bit that made my wife shout at Alexa to stop and get furious with me. It goes like this: “How’s it going, I’m a cow, you drink milk from my tits”; “I’m a fat fucking pig”; “I’m a disgruntled skunk, shoot you out my butthole”, and this is before Snoop pops up pretending to be marijuana.

My wife asked me what I was playing at. She was almost laughing as she said it, because the skunk butthole line is great, but her point stood. It is a point on which my wife and I strongly disagree. She thinks the children will learn to swear from these songs – that they will use these words in conversation, and that it will be embarrassing and horrible. I understand: it is distasteful to hear a kid swearing, and rude words will always be a kid’s favourite thing to say.

My argument is that the way to guarantee your kids don’t go around swearing might be to allow them to hear those words, explain the context, explain if and when they should ever use them, and trust that they will be responsible (while also knowing that they will use them in secret with their friends, because they are hilarious). Protecting them from ever hearing bad language feels less honest.

But my wife pointed out that listening to Lil Dicky might not be the best plan, and that now every time they have milk with their cereal they will mention that it comes from a cow’s tits. She also, more damningly, pointed out that I am not best placed to give bad language advice, given that I am constantly getting into trouble at work for swearing too much.

Do we still listen to Earth? We do, and we all get our bums out at the baboon bit – but only when my wife is out.