BARTLETT, TN—Saying he didn’t deserve to be treated like a pervert for the rest of his life because of one stupid mistake, local man Michael Horne told reporters Monday that it was completely unfair he ended up on the state’s sex offender registry just for public urination on a child. “It’s super fucked up that I’m in the same database as these sickos and criminals when all I did was take a leak on a kid when I was bar crawling with my friends,” said Horne, adding that any reasonable person would understand the difference between a guy discreetly going behind a dumpster to relieve himself on a child and some deranged sex maniac rubbing up against women on the subway. “It’s not something I would normally do, but I was super drunk and lots of other guys use that alley to pee on kids. There just happened to be a cop there when I was doing it, and now I’m marked forever as some deviant creep. It’s not like I was taking a leak on a child in front of everyone.” Horne added that the whole ordeal could have been avoided if the club he was at that night had more than one single-stall bathroom with a little boy to piss on.

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