CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

As updates and protocol for COVID-19 change by the minute, one set of measures that haven’t changed is the need for ‘social-distancing’.

This term was introduced to Australians almost two weeks ago, and refers to the precautions required to maintain the personal space and hygiene needed to avoid contracting the Coronavirus.

Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has urged all of Australians maintain these directives while he sits on his hands in an attempt to avoid the inevitable shut down of all non-essential services.

However, one very necessary workforce that will not be shut down is the comically understaffed human resources sector, who are now facing the imminent tidal wave of at least 1 million people could be made unemployed as the coronavirus wreaks havoc on the Australian economy.

At 9:30 yesterday morning, the MyGov website crashed after close to 100,000 Australians begin seeking welfare payments after being let go from their jobs.

Like teenagers who had been caught watching porn, the government initially tried to blame the website crash on ‘hackers’.

However, it soon became apparent that the crash was caused by a general disregard for the public service, and three different governments in a row that don’t really believe in the power of the internet – unless it is delivering targeted campaign ads to boomers.

While the government have since admitted that they weren’t prepared for the influx of unemployed Australians who have been let go from jobs at businesses that the government had shut down – they have also made it clear that anyone who has not previously been on social security payments must visit an actual Centrelink agency in town to register as unemployed.

So today, for the second day in a row, unemployed Australians have gathered in large numbers that definitely violate social distancing protocol outside the nation’s Centrelink offices,

While the hard working staff at Centrelink struggle to keep up with unprecedented demand from people seeking financial assistance amid the coronavirus pandemic, Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has urged the nation to just go home and self-isolate straight after.

“Obviously there are no alternatives to this one particular bottle neck in our government’s human resources department.” said Scotty.

“I always thought Centrelink offices were for bums who didn’t have a go, but sometimes it turns out that normal people, like the people who voted for me, have to use them”

“So the new rule is, practice social distancing as much as you can outside of the couple hours you have to spend in line waiting to speak to an overworked public servant who will try their best to make sure you don’t go hungry in appliance with the ever-changing criteria we keep handing them”