Ah, cunnilingus. It’s fingering’s hotter, better, more fun cousin. Not only is it great because of the pleasure that comes from it, but just like in the shower, it’s also a time when women can get most of our thinking done.

Before people get all offended though: The moans we make when someone is going down on us are real. It can just take a few minutes or so to get our minds focused is all. One second, we could be planning tomorrow’s work outfit, the next, we’re starting to feel on the brink of orgasm. What can I say? We like to keep it interesting.

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For those who are curious—and those who can so relate—here’s a lil inside look into what’s exactly going through a woman’s head when she’s getting head:

1. Can they feel how prickly my legs are? I didn’t think I was getting laid tonight or else I would’ve shaved.

2. If there’s toilet paper stuck to my puss, I’m joining a convent.

3. Fuck, I forgot to get bread. Eh, it’s only 9 p.m. If I hurry, I can make it to Target before it closes.

4. Okay, focus. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths. Wait, isn’t this what they tell you when you’re about to have a baby?

5. Wait! Period! When was the last time I had my period?

6. Shut up, it was literally like two weeks ago. I’m fine.

7. Oh, the alphabet trick. Hello, old friend, that feels so good.



8. Why is it called “eating out”? What am I, Chili’s?

9. On a scale of 1 to 10, I wonder how cute they think my vagina is?

10. I think it’s cute. If I saw it walking down the street, I’d be like, “Now that’s a vagina I’d like to know!”

11. QQ: Who was the first person to be like, “Yeah, I should lick that”?

12. Probably one of the Romans. Those guys seemed kinky.

13. That’s a good idea for a tweet.

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14. I have to fart.

15. Why did I have Taco Bell before this?

16. It’s literally teetering on the edge of my butthole.

17. Man, they haven’t come up for air in a while. Loving the effort.



18. Ooh, but please stop looking at me. I don’t know what to do with my face.

19. Is this a bad time to ask, “What are we?”

20. I could crush them with my thighs right now if I wanted...

21. Just one wrong move...

22. ...and GOTCHA! Haha, just kidding. Now get back down there.

23. They kinda sound like a cat drinking milk, which weirds me out a little.

24. I still have to fart.

25. Why do boobs disappear when you lie down?



25. If I were a porn star, my stage name would be Big McTitties.

27. And if I were a boob, I’d be a D cup. I definitely have D-cup energy.



28. Hi. Did I say you could move to my butthole? Please return to my clitoris immediately.



29. I still hear the cat licking. Should I put music on?

30. What’s good “go down on me” music?

31. “I can feel it coming in the air tonight...”

32. Clearly, I should be a stand-up comedian.

33. Holy efffffff, what is that tongue trick?! Omg. OMG.



34. Aaaaand, I’m done.

35. Great work, perfect execution.

36. ...should I, like, applaud? I feel the need to.



37. BTW, how long was that? I feel like I’m in a vortex.

38. Thank you!

39. Did I say that out loud?

40. Can you please go to the bathroom so I can finally fart in peace?

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Sarah Vulpio Sarah Vulpio is a standup comedian and writer living in Chicago.

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