There is no worse evil than a bad woman; and nothing has ever been produced better than a good one. – Euripedes

OK guys, today you can relax. I’ve had a few columns lately where I talked about bad clients and bad things done by otherwise good clients, but today I’m going to turn it around and talk about bad prostitutes. Some professionals who read this may frown on my exposing these girls, but I wouldn’t be any kind of a big sister if let my little sisters do all sorts of wrong, hurtful and just plain sleazy things without calling them on the carpet about it. Not that I think any of that sort of girl will ever read this; I’m not implying that they can’t read or anything, but judging by their actions I suspect most of that sort hate men, sex, themselves, harlotry or some combination of the four, so I sincerely doubt many of them will be using their spare time to read about a lifestyle to which they have no real dedication. Most of them seem to believe the government propaganda that we are criminals and so act accordingly; some of them seem to consider our trade to be something like a rigged carnival game, and a number of them will probably end their careers telling neofeminist “researchers” whatever lies they want to hear or shilling for the prohibitionists in a “john school”. Really, calling most of these girls prostitutes is like calling a drag queen a woman; to be sure they’re “dressed up” as hookers, but in reality they’re just thieves.

The Clock Watcher is the least despicable of this shameful sorority; she at least goes through the motions of providing the client what he needs, and if she charged down in the streetwalker/massage parlor range her clients might not even have cause to complain. The problem is that she charges like a call girl and may even talk a good show, then lets the client know in no uncertain terms that she would rather be almost anywhere else than with him. Clients have told me that the behavior of such girls ranges from the poorly-hidden to the absolutely overt, complete with phrases like, “you’re taking too long” or “hurry up, we only have a few minutes left.” I’ve met a couple of these, and though I can’t really know how they act when alone with a client I honestly think some of them might make halfway decent escorts after a major attitude adjustment delivered to their skinny backsides by my size eight and a half stiletto-heeled Italian leather boot. Repeatedly. Over a course of weeks. A girl from Pam’s service once told me of an incident where she was paired with one of these for a multi-hour call with two gentlemen, and toward the end of dinner at an expensive steakhouse the girl started to complain that they were running low on time and demanded more money immediately, i.e. at the table in full view of other diners.

The Empty Box is usually a former stripper, and generally quite attractive in a purely physical kind of way. She will regale the client with a description of how hot she is and the seven kinds of heaven he will experience with her, and if he’s silly enough to buy this wonderfully gift-wrapped package all he finds inside is a cold fish. From what clients have told me about these, they don’t even have to watch the clock because the customer does it for them. I once had one of these on my staff, and after several complaints about her I advised her to go back to stripping because at least in that trade the client expects to get nothing other than appearance.

Platinum Pussy Syndrome has been mentioned before in my column of August 17th; it is the pathological delusion that one’s favors are worth vastly more than those of other women. A girl suffering from the mildest form of this disorder strongly resembles the Extortionist, except that for the basic fee she will perform very basic services (a la Clock Watcher or Empty Box); it’s only if the client asks for anything other than straightforward intercourse or oral that these mild cases will start adding up the fees like a Hyundai dealer selling you tires for the car you just bought. I am told they also sometimes beg for tips after completion of the call. The more advanced cases are a far bigger annoyance to services than to clients, however, because they usually price themselves right out of the game while on the phone. In cities where the service does not discuss fees this is bad enough, but in those like New Orleans where the operator quotes a flat price (an innovation started early in 2000 by Yours Truly), Platinum Pussy makes the service look like a scam by adding an extra hundred or more to the previously-quoted price. In the rare instance where the customer goes for the inflation a girl so afflicted profits at the service’s expense, but if he doesn’t go for it she will call back to say the call was no good. If the service then makes the mistake of trusting her this results in a lost call, and if it doesn’t it still looks pretty damned unprofessional to the customer. Very advanced cases of Platinum Pussy often turn into Call Thieves.

The Call Thief is another type who is of greater concern to services than customers; in fact, some of the sleazier sort of customer even tries to talk girls into becoming Call Thieves (as described in my column of August 21st). The Call Thief arranges to meet the client, but tells the agency he changed his mind (and he agrees to lie for her if the service calls him back). This lets her keep the whole fee, thus stealing the operator’s time and using the agency’s advertising and phone bills for her own sole profit. The Call Thief may be the stupidest of any of these problem children; it never occurs to her that she is putting herself in danger by advertising to a demonstrably dishonest man that nobody knows where she is or how long she’s been there, nor that the agency will eventually notice a pattern and simply stop using her (or even catch her with a “sting” as Doug eventually did to Linda when she descended into this).

The Extortionist behaves in a perfectly reasonable manner until the client hands her the money, then claims that the agreed-upon fee was simply to get her in the door and demands further payment to do anything at all. This one is usually very beautiful and her scam relies upon that in combination with the fact that the client will otherwise get nothing for his money; I often wonder if these dopey dames realize how much they’re relying on a client’s sense of chivalry to escape being raped? And don’t any of these guys ever try to reclaim their money by force? Perhaps the extortionist has some sort of “scum instinct” which lets her detect the men who are too civilized to react violently to her provocation. Extortionists are usually independents, because few services will put up with them for long; a less serious type takes advantage of cheapskates by quoting some ridiculously low price like $50 and then pulling the usual extortion once the fish bites.

Cash and Dash is one step worse than the Extortionist; while the Extortionist allows the client to purchase her services after robbing him, Cash and Dash doesn’t even give him the chance. After taking his money she will ask him to wash up, or claim she has to step outside for some reason, and then runs off with his money. Good news for clients: This is nearly always a streetwalker or an independent escort with a brand-new ad, though a lesser version will run off with an agency’s last fee when she plans to quit.

The Petty Thief is just as she sounds, a thief who poses as a streetwalker or low-end escort to get near a client’s wallet and watch. She may provide very rudimentary services, or else just be a greedier version of Cash and Dash. To guys who pick up streetwalkers or opt for the cheapest independents they can find, all I have to say is caveat emptor.

The Bad Penny is a type I only know of through clients; she is usually an independent, but is sometimes an unsuccessful (and therefore less busy and more desperate) agency girl. The Bad Penny keeps coming back; she saves client’s phone numbers and will call them days or weeks after their initial contact, sometimes repeatedly, trying to entice them into seeing her again (always without the knowledge of the service and often at a cut rate). I have been told that Bad Pennies will even claim horniness or affection as a motive rather than economic need, which doesn’t surprise me one bit.

There are probably a number of other minor types, but these are the major ones with which I’m familiar. Any reader who employs whores on a regular basis has probably already run into a few of these, and anyone in The Life has probably met or at least heard of specimens of all of them. Most of them can be avoided by finding an agency or independent provider whom one can trust and then eschewing others, but to those of you who insist on avoiding services, employing the cheapest tarts available and/or never seeing the same girl twice, all I can say is happy hunting and don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.