GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and creativity went into the lettering and the drawings—so naturally we just detoured around the lovely thing,” said quarterback Jackson Reyes, who meticulously avoided damaging the banner as he led 40 of his teammates in charging to the field for warm-ups, pausing in their competitive zeal only to compliment the “brilliant artists” of the pep squad on the poster’s “phenomenal composition and bold color scheme.” “The numbers of every player on the team are on this. Can you imagine if we tore it apart like so much confetti? Homecoming is around the corner, and they’ll have more than enough to do—I’d feel just awful if they had to make another gorgeous banner because we were reckless and ripped it.” In related news, the Knights politely declined to return to their locker room at halftime so as not to miss the pep band’s much-practiced rendition of “Seven Nation Army.”

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