Nice country, shame if anything were to…happen to it, EU tells Britain

The European Union has told the British they’ve got a lovely country and it would be a shame if something were to…happen to it, if you know what I mean.

Walking round tapping valuables with a heavy came, EU President Donald Tusk observed that Britain looked ‘very flammable’ and he didn’t want anyone to do nuffinck they might regret.

“Economies,” he added.

“Fragile fings, economies. Give ’em a bit of a tap an’ ker-krash. All come tumblin’ down.

“Remember what ‘appened to Greece when they didn’t want to play ball? Shame if the same sort of fing were to ‘appen ‘ere too.”

When asked if he was making threats, Tusk denied the suggestion and insisted he was nothing more than an honest wellwisher who wanted to make sure no nasty accidents happened.

Mister Tusk went on to outline a highly effective form of insurance he happens to sell, where for the low price of £55m a day he can guarantee the whole place doesn’t go up in smoke.

Encouraging the British to ‘fink it over but not to take too long about it’, Tusk then left, pausing only to light a match off some antiques and smash the car headlights with his stick.