M y invitation to a preview screening next week of Death Race reads like a fire sale for a bankrupt electronics shop.

It lists everything that must go from the theatre: "No cameras, camera phones, laptops or other recording devices permitted."

I can't recall ever seeing such detailed instructions about what we can't bring with us to the multiplex.

Did you ever think you'd have to be told not to use a computer while watching a movie? Or not to take a picture of the screen with your phone? It's like being told you shouldn't attempt to cook while driving.

But I must admit, I have actually seen people typing away on laptops during screenings.

Most recently at the Cannes Film Festival in May, during the world premiere of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The geek hordes are so eager to "live blog" their reactions to entertainment events, they don't care who they disturb.

Not that long ago, before the widespread availability of the cellphone, it would have been unthinkable for people to have a conversation with someone who wasn't in the theatre with them. And yet all of us have sat next to idiots who jabbered away with some unseen third party, which somehow is even more annoying than if they were talking to the person next to them.

I've also been in American theatres where it is sadly deemed necessary to post signs forbidding weapons.

We live in an age when personal entitlement trumps public civility, and where common sense is scarcer than honest politicians.

The barbarians are not only at the gates; they've marched past the candy counter and breached the auditorium.

This leads me to believe that the rules of engagement for movie-going need to be restated for the 21st century.

Here is my list of other "don'ts" for moviegoers, followed with one major "do."

Don't ever use your phone in a movie theatre, unless the projection hasn't yet begun or you're a heart surgeon in the middle of a major operation – in which case, why aren't you at the hospital?

Don't write the Great Canadian Novel on your BlackBerry during movies, unless you're in the very back row where the glowing screen won't bother anybody. But that could infuriate romantic couples.

Don't take critters to movie theatres, even if they are leashed or huge fans of Adam Sandler. This goes double for farm animals. Horses have a lot of trouble with subtitles, pigs forage noisily with their popcorn and cows have a tendency to moo a lot during chase scenes.

Don't take photocopiers, paper shredders or other office equipment with you to the theatre. This is not the time to be catching up on work, even if you have managed to snag an entire row for your company's board of directors.

Don't take a wood chipper to a screening of Fargo, even if you can do a really good impersonation of Marge Gunderson. It will likely terrify the person next to you and besides, the moron who took a real chain saw to a showing of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre has already beaten you to this bad idea.

Don't serve 12-course meals during screenings, even if you have an obliging butler willing to offer French service. You might spill the soup course on the person in front of you, and it's very hard in the dark to know which is the proper fork to use.

And finally, don't take a sense of entitlement with you to the theatre. Do take pleasure in respectfully sharing with others one of the best experiences you can have in the dark.

phowell@thestar.ca