Allow me to paint you a picture. Imagine you're asked to attend the wedding of a former colleague, and suppose you say yes. Instead of giving a more traditional wedding gift, you decide to go rogue by curating your own gift baskets filled with culinary delights like marshmallow fluff and Jolly Ranchers. You attach a note that reads, "Life is delicious...Enjoy." You are clever, and you enjoy the satisfaction of yet another wedding gift well done.


The day following the wedding, you awake early to wonder about which of your basket delicacies the newlyweds — two blushing brides — might delve into first. Are they playfully squirting Gushers at each other on their marital bed, or are they wrapping their genitals in Fruit by the Foot? Maybe they are gouging each other's eyes out with the Ring Pops? You are happy in this moment.

Then, out of nowhere, your fun daydream is interrupted when you receive the following text from one of the brides:

Heyyy I just wanna say thanks for the gift but unfortunately I can't eat any of it lol I'm gluten intolerant. Do u maybe have a receipt


Record scratch. Wh-wh-whaaat.



This is basically what happened to one Canadian wedding attendee recently, and he documented the whole interaction in a local newspaper for posterity's sake. He writes, "As a gift, my Girlfriend and I gave [the couple] a wicker box with a hinged lid, filled with food items, most of them PC Black Label, including: tri-color pasta, salsas, Balsamic vinegar and Olive, Gourmet croutons, Panko Breading, Pesto, some baking ingredients, Biscuits from Godiva and a few 'Fun' items like Marshmallow Fluff, Sour Patch Kids and Butterscotch sauce."

Then he received the gluten text. He says he texted back to the newlyweds:

Ahh shit! Really!? We had a great time. Thank you again for allowing us to be a part of the celebration.


The man says he got to thinking, and that he realized that just a few short weeks earlier, he'd gifted the brides-to-be a certificate to the Italian restaurant he works at, and that the ladies had used the whole amount to gorge themselves on giant platters of full-gluten pasta. But whatever.

Below is the real and true text exchange between the newlyweds and the gift basket dude (well, at least according to the gift basket dude — but his version of events doesn't make him look great, so we're inclined to believe it's true). It is spectacular. (Sic throughout.)




NEWLYWEDS:

Hey it's [Bride 1's] wife Laura. I want to thank you for coming to the wedding Friday. I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding... People give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate... And got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return Just a heads up for the future :)


[Ed.: That smiley face should be read as "you son of a bitch."]

GIFT BASKET DUDE:

Hi, I want to tell you how incredibly insulted I am in both of the messages you have sent me over the last two days. [Bride 1], I am sorry that you have intolerance to Gluten, I am sure that makes life difficult at times. However, to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of. That is until you, Laura, messaged me today. Laura, the message you sent to me today was by far the most inconsiderate, immature, greedy, and asinine thing I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. This is not even close to being the first wedding I have attended, and actually I have done a lot of research on wedding etiquette, a step in the process the two of you clearly skipped over (clearly displayed by Laura chewing gum, like a cow does hay, while walking down the aisle). Here is some help for you..just a heads up for the future. The Bride's Etiquette Guide: Etiquette Made Easy, Second Edition. Here is the link. Too bad you didn't read this, or any other etiquette guide prior to your "big day". In respect to this particular topic, I would turn your attention to pages 147-149. I am sure you will not bother to follow this link, so I will fill you in. Not only is it wrong to have an expectation of any sort of gift, it is the ultimate insult to your family and friends to mention a gift of monetary value at all, let alone be so boorish to message someone with your disappointment in said gift. Also, you should never host a party that you cannot afford, or expect your guests to pay for it. On that note, I seriously doubt that you had an expense of $100/plate. If you did, you were taken for a ride. In retrospect, this is the exact style of behavior I should have expected from the two of you, when you used the gift card donated to your doe and doe for a personal date night, then had the gall to ask your server for the "friends and family discount". I'm sure that one, or the two of you will mature, and grow into adults who will take a different, more respectful, LOVE based approach when you invite guests to your next wedding.


NEWLYWEDS:

Again... Out of 210 people at a wedding... The only I gift I got from all was yours... And fluffy whip and sour patch kids. Your Facebook message had nothing to do with the gift. Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue. To be exact the plates were $97 a person... But thanks again for the $30 gift basket my wife can't even eat. If anything you should be embarrassed for being so cheap and embarrassing yourself walking in with a gift basket probably re gifted cheap ass. Again.. Out of 210 people, you were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!! Worst gift ever story Is being passed along to everyone!! How about you tell people what you gave as a 2 person gift to a wedding and see what normal functioning people say about it!! Do a survey with people u know... And tell me what 100% of them tell you!! Wake up dude


GIFT BASKET DUDE:

It's obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn't care less of what you think about the gift you received, "normal" people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON'T expect me to, I don't care what you or anybody thinks, you should just be happy your sham of a marriage is legal dude!


NEWLYWEDS:

Lol. Your an idiot. Go research more on life You should have been cut from the list.. I knew we were gunna get a bag of peanuts.. I was right


GIFT BAG DUDE:

Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. - George Carlon. You just proved this to be true.

[Ed: Carlin rolls over in grave.]

NEWLYWEDS:

Thanks for the fluffy whip :). Have a good day

Well, at least it ended on a bright note??

And with that, I'm never going to a fucking wedding ever the fuck again.