I enjoy the television program The Good Place. The following is an indictment of myself every time I attempted to play the “two characters” game. Thank you for witnessing it.

You Think You Are Michael

In choosing a non-human to identify with, you hope to position yourself as uniquely different from other people, without setting yourself up as an obvious target by claiming to be better than them. “No, no, I’m worse,” this choice says. “I just don’t understand humans!” You do, perfectly well.

You Think You Are Chidi

You think you have a single, defining character flaw, which you try to spin as excessive earnestness. You don’t; you have several, none significant enough to build a personality around. The worst you are willing to confess to is “buying too many books,” which you don’t actually consider a flaw at all – and know full well that no one else does either.

You Think You Are Janet

You think people consider you helpful. (See Michael, but hoping not to seem as impressed with yourself.)

You Think You Are Eleanor

You think the number of times other people forgive you ought to be commensurate with the number of times you would like to be forgiven. You think there is something charismatic about your drinking.

You Think You Are Tahani

You think periodic bouts of self-doubt mitigates your unkindnesses; you think you only get involved in the really important Twitter fights.

You Think You Are Jason

No, you don’t, not really. You know better than that.

You Think You Are Mindy St. Clair

You think you are relatable, or at least incisive, or at least observant, or at least well out of the fray. You think the version of mediocrity you embody is the best and most realistic position anyone can reasonably expect to occupy. You think other people think of you as practical.