So the anti-vaccine movement is all the rage amongst mothers that get their medical advice exclusively through TikTok, but is it for you? There are some very fine arguments on both sides.

While vaccinating your DX is recommended by all actual medical professionals, it’s not required by law. This is still America, after all, and you can do what you want with your child’s body.

Let’s take a look at why this new anti-vaxx fad is sweeping the nation faster than muted pastel balloons and Messy Tables at your one year old’s birthday party.

Your Baby Will Cry

Sad.

Have you ever seen a baby get a shot? It’s terrible. The baby doesn’t know what’s happening, they think everything is all great, and then some nurse just jams a needle into them.

The baby then, predictably, starts crying. They wail the wail of the betrayed. This keening can last for upwards of five, six minutes – a steep price to pay for the simple ability to ward off fatal and crippling diseases.

To Fit in With the Moms in Your Anti-Vax Facebook Group

I mean, they seem pretty stable and cool. Who wouldn’t want to be like them? I’m wearing leggings and sipping a homemade latte myself.

Let’s get together Sunday at Krystal’s for a Sit’N’Spit. We’ll put the hellions in a ball cage and let them fight it out while we get day drunk on high-proof homegrown kombucha and White Claws. It’ll be soul-nourishing.

The Science is Still Out

Yes, there are lots of studies that say that vaccines have worked in the past. There have also been studies that have shown that the earth isn’t flat, but is in fact spheroidal in shape.

Let’s face it, science is lame and scientists can be a pretty nutty, absent-minded, do-little kind of bunch. You can use statistics and numbers to prove just about anything, including the fact that you can use statistics and numbers to prove just about anything.

Besides, science is a never ending project that eludes fixity. Every new truth erases some long-held belief that used to be gospel. So why fucking try? Ignore it all and just do what feels right in your mom-zone.

It May Help Your Kids Get Into College

Given recent developments in our herd immunity, it is very likely that in the near future there will be scholarships available for the victims of easily preventable diseases. A general Children of Hubristic Twits fund will most likely be established before (or if!) your DG goes to college.

College is highly competitive and more expensive than most houses. Your children will need every leg up in that cutthroat environment, especially because they’ll still be dealing with the lifelong ramifications of all the diseases they got.

The Side Door

Here’s a sneaky option: vaccinate your kids, but just don’t tell anyone. You were vaccinated, and you turned out pretty ok if you do say so while staring in the mirror and crying.

You can still post in all the forums. You can still get really worked up at the Sit’n’Spit about how no one knows your child’s body like you do. But you also don’t have to worry about said child coming down with whooping cough.

Sure, you will be complacent in poisoning the discourse – and potentially other people’s children – but that’s a conversation for you and your god on the day of your eternal judgement. Stick ‘em and trick ‘em, I say.