BOCA RATON, Fla. (The Borowitz Report)—With just hours to go until the third and final Presidential debate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney today voiced his support “for a woman’s most precious right: to choose what she makes for dinner.”

In a bid designed to close the gender gap in the race, the former Massachusetts Governor pledged “on Day One” to give women full control over meal planning and preparation.

“Pot roast, meatloaf, duck a l’orange—as long as it’s piping hot and on the table when her husband comes home, I don’t care what a gal makes,” he told supporters.

Mr. Romney also unveiled his latest immigration proposal, which would allow immigrants to become citizens “by going to fight in Iran.”

The nominee’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, said that tonight Mr. Romney hopes to improve upon his performance in the second debate, in which he slipped and told the truth three times.

“That was surprising for Mitt,” he said. “But even Michael Jordan missed a layup now and then.”

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Photograph by Lauren Lancaster.