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That said, modern fringe Christians (those Christians who make normal Christians wake up mid facepalm every morning from sleep exasperation) like to believe that Halloween is evil and sinister. Still. In modern day today. Not in Salem 200 years ago. Crazy little dinks.

In order to avoid the seduction of devilry and Twizzlers, some few Christian soldiers have set up Jesusween, the worst-named attempt at stemming the tide of once yearly Satanic sugar rushes ever. So what is Jesusween, and does it have anything to do with Messianic penis, as the name suggests? It's even worse.

According to the site, JesusWeen "is a global initiative to ensure non-Christians receive educational materials about Jesus." Because maybe you have yet to hear about Jesus; he likes to keep shit on the down low. You know how meek and humble Christianity is, historically. If the world's religions had a party, Buddhism would be shirtless on the patio drinking pina coladas, Judaism would be telling self-deprecating jokes near the snacks, Islam would be daring me to finish this joke and Christianity, of course, would have stayed home, because it never wants to bother anyone.

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Now in and of itself, Jesusween isn't entirely offensive. If you don't want to celebrate Halloween, no one is making you. But then that's kind of why Jesusween is offensive. Because someone, somewhere, is doing something that these people feel is not Christian and therefore they felt the need to co-opt it and make it about their religion, when Halloween is not about any religion at all. Was it once, a bajillion years ago? Sure. But this Halloween, you go outside and ask any of the kids dressed as Avengers what pagan god they're paying tribute to and see if you get many answers before the police ask you why you're talking to so many strange kids on Halloween.

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All you need to know about Jesusween is that the man who started it, a pastor, was upset that Halloween had nothing to do with Jesus. This is like painting a crucifix in your toilet bowl because you don't shit hymnals, or excommunicating your cat for not confessing its sins. Of course it has nothing to do with Jesus, because it has nothing to do with Jesus. Stop being ig'nant.