I’ve always had an exceptionally poor memory, but one thing I can vividly recall is the time my parents made a pact with each other to always stay together, if not for the sake of love, then for the sake of providing me with the best childhood (and life) possible.

It was the day of my birth and I still get chills when I think about the way my mother gently held my fluid-soaked newborn body, while she tearfully looked my father in the eyes and promised him that she would never leave him, no matter how deeply she craved a divorce or another man. I can still distinctly smell the fragrance of Crown Royal and Pall Malls that radiated from my father’s breath, as he placed his hand on her shoulder and softly but earnestly muttered, “yeah…same.”

Reminiscing about that heartfelt moment is particularly bittersweet, because it makes me realize how fortunate my parents were to grow up in a time when relationships still had meaning: a time before smart phones and social media, when people actually went on dates and marriage was a real goal. It nauseates me to see my generation of self-centered, entitled millennials prioritizing things like themselves and their careers over finding a spouse and starting a family. In a society of young adults that’s plagued by hedonistic motives and moral repugnance, it’s refreshing to scroll through social media from time to time and see that there’s still some good guys left in the world.

Gentlemen like Peter:

And BJ:

Modern Cavaliers like Conner:

And Edgar:

This tweet from Mr. Rawdon especially resonated with me, because I think it offered a unique perspective on the pitfalls of modern relationships. I truly believe he hit the nail on the head with this astute observation, so I scrolled through his Twitter page in hopes of being enlightened by more valuable aphorisms.

To say he delivered would be a massive understatement:

If this tweet doesn’t inspire you to start acting upset when your significant other is dealing with intense pain and suffering, then you’re most likely part of the problem with our generation.

This stanza from Edgar spoke volumes to me. I’d even go as far as comparing it to some of the earlier philosophical works of great minds, like Horny Facts:

And Sexual Gifs:

I found myself so motivated to think deeper about the complex issues centered around millennial dating, that I decided to pick Edgar’s brain and dive deeper into his timeline.

Hmmm. Admittedly, I was confused by this tweet. It didn’t seem to follow the same theme or tone of his more recent passages. But I remained optimistic and continued my research.

This piece of advice also left me slightly bewildered, but I imagined it was some type of cryptic message or poetic metaphor, reminiscent of Poe or Frost. After all, my new favorite relationship guru on the internet wouldn’t sincerely suggest that I physically assault my hypothetical girlfriend as some kind of preventive measure, would he?

Oh no. This wasn’t the Edgar I grew to cherish and admire, the insightful sage with a knack for feminism and a heart for unconditional love.

Feeling betrayed and confused, I searched for answers but only ended up leaving with more questions.

There was a lot to unpack with this one. Racism aside, I’m fairly certain the phrase, “n**** Hayden” is an oxymoron, but in the none percent chance that there’s a black guy named Hayden reading this, then I apologize for assuming race.

Secondly, I don’t know what type of “game” these pals were attending, but mixing a half dozen beers with an entire pocketful of “molly’s” and some “cush” would almost certainly be overdoing it for any kind of sporting event, right?

Maybe, I’m wrong. Maybe, there’s nothing quite like rolling your face off on a near-lethal combination of MDMA, alcohol, and high-grade cannabis; and raving to the pulsating sounds of referee whistles while confined to a designated seating arrangement at an athletic competition.

Regardless, I wasn’t sure if I could trust Edgar as a role model for my dating life anymore, so I did some quick browsing and was fortunate enough to stumble upon some new guiding lights:

This whole time that I’ve been on a quest for a soulmate, I had no idea that I was supposed to be searching for a girl who *checks notes* fulfills the minimal and necessary responsibilities of her life, like simply being a student or employee. On top of that, she’s supposed to also continue to have relatives and friends? My standards just skyrocketed, thanks to Thankful Ty.

It’s most definitely old-fashioned and quite honestly, it’s pathetic that our generation doesn’t do things like this anymore. Before my great grandfather passed, he would tell me heartwarming stories about how he used to take local dames out on the town and accompany them to the bathroom, where he would respectfully watch them defecate and then proceed to help them wipe their ass out of chivalry and class. Gone are those days.

Feeling satisfied with my takeaways from Ty’s timeline, I didn’t find it necessary to do any deeper digging. With a Twitter handle like @phaithful, I fully trusted that he was a genuinely good guy who didn’t have a dark history that would hint at ulterior motives behind his beloved, wholesome tweets.

As far as I was concerned, he was the type of gentleman who valued loyalty in a relationship and appreciated the little things, like long, meaningful texts from a significant other.

Feeling more desperate for guidance and validation than ever, I decided to deviate from the male crowd and discovered exactly what I was looking for way quicker than expected. But would my third time be a charm?

Ding ding ding.

Take me back to the good old days when people had no desire to fuck and everyone just wanted to unwind after a grueling 12 hour shift at the steel mill by going on a cute date that culminated with zero sexual contact.

Also, props to Amanda for having the guts to address the elephant in the room: not a single person wants to fall in love anymore and that’s just the morbid reality we’re living in now. The desire to achieve the highest level of emotional bliss is officially extinct and I’d be damned if it isn’t disheartening.

Much to my chagrin, in the 30 minute time span from when I hit Amanda with a like and follow, took a power nap, and woke up to check her page for more material, she inexplicably blocked me. Three strikes and I hopelessly logged out of Twitter.

All jokes aside, there’s an influx of seemingly grown men who are making these “business-savvy” decisions to rebrand as fake chivalrous and honorable gentlemen on social media, who copy and paste recycled tweets that cater to the massive demographic of hopeless romantic, high school and college-aged girls on Twitter.

I don’t know if the motive is horniness, retweets, or a dangerous combination of both, but it’s wildly fucking lame yet kind of comical. If these guys are actually using those tweets to finesse some (consensual) fornication (with legal adults), then I’d almost consider respecting them for it. No I wouldn’t.