Famous Moments In Military History, As Commanded By Zapp Brannigan

“In the game of chess, you can never let your opponent see your pieces.

-Zapp Brannigan

Battle of Serenity Valley

“What makes a good man go neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?”

The already-catastrophic losses among the Independents at Serenity Valley were compounded after Captain Zapp Brannigan shot seventeen of his superiors in the mistaken belief that they were Neutral agents in disguise.

Battle of Bunker Hill

“Men, you’re lucky men. Soon, you’ll all be fighting for your planet. many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be put through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.”

Brannigan repeatedly mixed up Breed’s Hill with the nearby Bunker Hill (having lost the charts of the area, he insisted that the region was entirely uncharted, despite having lived there for the last eight months) and sent nearly two-thirds of his troops in the direction of New Hampshire to look for snacks. Sustained heavy losses, but managed to escape with his life and a ruby the size of a duck egg.

Battle of Trafalgar

“If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”

Brannigan reportedly napped through the entire battle, then threw first mate Kif Kroker overboard after learning he had missed the action. A third crew member explained to Brannigan that the battle had been won, and Kroker was posthumously reinstated.

Battle of Thermopylae

“Uh, just so we’ll know, who’s the enemy?”

“A valid question! We know nothing about them, their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don’t stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.”

Historians agree that the survival rates among the Spartans might have improved slightly had Captain Zapp Brannigan not insisted at the last minute upon fighting in velour tunics.

The Storming of Omaha Beach

“Why is this godforsaken hellhole worth dying for?”

“Don’t ask me. You’re the ones who are going to be dying.”

From Zapp Brannigan’s Big Book of War: “I ordered my forces to line up and fly directly at the enemy death cannons, clogging them with wreckage, and amid heavy losses, we ultimately succeeded in destroying what turned out to be the Hubble Space Telescope. I don’t know what happened to the Germans.”

Battle of Verdun

A decisive victory for Brannigan, and one that cemented his reputation as a brilliant tactician for years to come. When asked about his strategy, Brannigan said “You see, killbots [Germans] have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down.”

Battle of Pelennor Fields

“You’re a brave robot, son. But when I’m in command every mission’s a suicide mission.”

Despite early signs of victory, Brannigan stunned his allies when he removed his troops from the field after noticing armed elephants on the opponent’s side, claiming the use of animals violated Brannigan’s Law, citing the destruction of Vergon-6. Despite emotional pleading from his fellow captains, Brannigan insisted “I don’t pretend to understand Brannigan’s Law. I merely enforce it.”

The battle was lost.

Battle of Mikatagahara

“Stop exploding, you cowards!”

Over 90% of Brannigan’s forces exploded.