Gym Etiquette for Older Men

A guide for getting the most out of your visit!

Are you an older gentleman in search of understanding the culture of the gym better? Look no further, for I have compiled a comprehensive list in how to conduct yourself in the gymnasium and squeeze the most out of your workout!

Step 1: Change into Workout Clothes

This will generally include old clothes that you found in your drawer, which should typically be older than many of the other members currently working out. White shirts work, even with yellow pit stains. In fact, the yellower the better! Make sure to include short-shorts and long socks into your outfit as they’ll show off your legs and are sure to grab the attention of many! You’re here to not just work on your body, but to show it off!

Step 2: Ride the Stationary Bike for 20–30 minutes

You don’t want to hurt your knees right? Also you don’t want to over-strain your legs, so forget the treadmill, elliptical, and stairmaster, and head straight to the stationary bike. You’re going to want to go at a deliberately slow pace because after all this is your first real exercise of the day. You may get bored so be sure to bring your newspaper, which you still regularly purchase, because there’s nothing like stimulating your mind and body at the same time!

Step 3: Machines

After you’ve finished your cardio for the session, you’re going to want to hit the machines to chisel those muscles of yours. You don’t need to stretch because stretching is clearly for pussies, so feel free to jump onto any machine. Literally any machine. You haven’t made any real program or regimen so fuck it, do whatever you like, this is your temple after all.

Step 4: Glare at attractive younger people

Sure you could be most of the people’s parent or grandparent in the gym, but that doesn’t matter — feel free to creepily stare at anyone you’d like. Twentysomething year old girl with yoga pants on? Make sure to openly check out her butt as she walks by because she needs to know that you see her putting in work. Young guy with big muscles? Make sure to stare at him in the mirror lifting so you can get an idea of what the younger, stupider generation is doing in the gym these days. After all, you remember the good ol' days of real men and know how to properly work out.

Step 5: Pick an unreasonable weight

By this point, you’ve read the instructions and stared at the diagram on the machine for about three minutes and are clearly a master of the movement, so feel free to pick the highest weight you see fit. Now that you’ve stared at everyone in the gym, it’s their turn to see what you’re made of! Show these kids how to really work those muscles. Proceed to load that weight rack and do as many quarter or half-reps as you can while screaming (not just breathing or grunting) loudly, and smashing the weight stack back into place each time.

Step 6: Wander aimlessly

“Where is that one machine again? I know they have it here.” Repeat this phrase a couple times as you walk around the room, looking for a machine that A) doesn’t exist or B) is definitely not in this gym. “God, why do they keep moving things around? I can’t find anything in here” is another phrase to keep in your back pocket in case you feel the need to do a second lap around the area. Make sure to purposely look lost but also sneak in an extra peek at that girl in the yoga pants for good measure.

Step 7: Talk to someone

Don’t be a stranger! This is a friendly place. Say hello to one of your “fellow gymrats” and ask them how their workout is going. An even better choice is if you can catch them mid-exercise or with headphones in! They love when you do that!

Step 8: Sauna for 25 minutes

Now that you’ve completed your strenous workout of the day, it’s time to take your daily trip to the sauna. There’s no point in stretching out your old and tired muscles when you can just go sit in a hot, dry room to do it for you. Find the tiniest towel imaginable which barely covers your junk and head on in. Don’t close the door behind, just let it close on it’s own. Be sure to sit with your legs spread out as far as possible to make that towel seem non-existent. If someone else is in there with you, say to them “hey how about those *insert local sports team here*?” It doesn’t matter if they know you, or know anything about sports, but be sure to ask to make your presence known.

Step 9: Blow-dry your balls

There’s no need for a shower. You’re so efficient at working out that you didn’t even break a sweat. So with that time that you would’ve used rinsing off, head over to that blow-dryer and aim that sucker directly at the family jewels. Switch between the hot and cool air options for maximum testicle comfort.

Step 10: Change back to street clothes

There’s no need for a towel to cover you at this point, so lose that thing at first chance. We’re all boys here so continue on openly walking around butt-naked to flaunt your pumped muscles as you patiently place your garments back on. You pay for this gym so do whatever you damn well please. Having as much time with the breeze hitting your crotch is optimal so remember to put your shirt and socks on before anything else.

Step 11: Leave/Gloat

Once you finish getting dressed, pat yourself on the back, because you did it! You successfully made it through a gym session and are on your way to creating a better version of you. You’re an inspiration to many, so after departing, make sure you tell everyone you know about your incredibly difficult routine. Also make sure to lie about the number of days per week you go, because nobody really knows (or cares) how much time you actually spend in there.

There you have it, now you know how to properly conduct yourself inside and outside of the gym, so go on and reap the benefits of being a true gym-goer!

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