LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic, high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus, porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices. “Although this was a difficult decision, as of this morning, we have ordered a nationwide closure of all slits, gashes, holes, and cracks until this global pandemic passes,” said Vivid Entertainment spokesperson Anthony Ufford, adding that while the shutdown could unfortunately leave many workers with no place to bust a nut or totally unable to get deep-dicked for weeks, it was ultimately the right thing to do. “We understand this is frustrating for many of our customers, but the fact of the matter is, the more holes that we can keep empty and unfilled, the more fingers, fists, and rock-hard cocks we can keep healthy during this difficult time. Once this is over, we assure you, faces will go back to being fucked, and pinkies will be back in the stink as soon as possible.” At press time, Ufford added that during the closure, he had also ordered every orifice to undergo a thorough deep-clean before reopening.

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