I have to say it: Lizzo is my spirit animal. She’s just so me! I look at her and I think: that’s me.

What? I shouldn’t use the term “spirit animal?” Um, I wasn’t trying to appropriate Native American culture. I’m saying Lizzo is like, my patronus! Those two things are the same, right?

Hmm? It’s “weird” for me to “characterize Lizzo as an animal of any kind?” It’s “strange” that I “talk so much about identifying with Lizzo even though I don’t really share any element of her lived experience?” I am being “generally cringey?” I’m not sure I’d agree with that.

I’m trying, okay? God, I’m out here trying to learn, and then you just come out and attack me with a calm, sensitively-worded critique that’s supposed to help me make sure I don’t make the same mistake again? The internet is so toxic.

I am literally crying right now – and it’s your fault because you made me feel bad for being wrong! I know I didn’t really need to bring up my tears, but my emotions are valid! My emotions get super valid when someone is trying to point out my hypocrisy.

Can you just please explain what I’ve done wrong? I genuinely want to know. I’m humble, open, and teachable. I know you already explained what I did wrong, but I wanted to make sure you heard me say that I wanted you to explain it to me. Stay visibly woke!

Look, let’s focus on why I love Lizzo – a widely-held, deeply uncontroversial opinion that I can still declare as if it’s a radical political statement. Okurrr?

Lizzo is just further proof that Black women are bae af – and I make sure to repeatedly say this every time I see my Black lady friends (all coworkers). Plus, Lizzo’s body positivity is so inspiring. She makes me wanna be dummy thicc! Now when I go to Sweetgreen, I let them include whole wheat bread in my bag. You know what that is? Growth.

I also love Lizzo’s hilarious tweets! I make sure to reply to as many of them as possible with GIFs of some of my favorite Black women: Oprah, that lady leaving the room with the purse, the “Sorry to this Man” woman, and the rest. Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay!

As a white person, I know it’s my responsibility to uplift Black women every opportunity I get. And I have determined that the best way to do this is to performatively tweet about what majestic creatures Black women are. It’s sickening how society dehumanizes Black women, which is why I constantly use language that implies they are mythical beasts. Bless up!