At some odd point in my relationship, my girlfriend started paying for things in blowjobs. It started out innocently enough. She was working on a sitcom spec and needed some sample scripts from a show. I tracked down a few, and she responded that she owed me two blowjobs. Never one to turn down a hummer (well, that's not true -- I did once tell my Alzheimer's-suffering grandmother that I wasn't interested), she quickly offered a certain number of blowjobs for tasks she couldn't or wouldn't do. Something small like helping her put some boxes on a high shelf might net one Slurpee, while a more time-consuming or arduous task like degreasing our microwave could be worth seven suckdowns. Just prior to WWII, in Weimar Germany, the deutschmark became so devalued that it cost millions to purchase a loaf of bread. People wallpapered their houses with the almost-worthless notes. Similarly, I now have to park a wheelbarrow full of BJ bucks ($BJ) next to our bed to get an actual weiner-hoovering. In economics, this situation is called hyperinflation. Under hyperinflation, real money has almost no real value. The economy becomes completely destabilized. And because money is backed by Fiat now (basically the word of the government that it intends to honor the notes and the value they represent) rather than something tangible like gold, people lose faith in their government.

It happened in Germany, leading to the rise of the Nazis and Adolph Hitler. I can't be responsible for the resurgence of National Socialism in our apartment; the Jews here have it tough enough already. So, my fellow Americans, we need to act now. I am calling upon my girlfriend for a federal bailout. We have to save the blowjob bank before it goes under and destroys my faith in our apartment's solvency. That is why I am proposing the following bill: all blowjob coupons may be redeemed at a rate of one blowjob per coupon from now until the end of the year. I realize that that's a lot of blowjobs and could get tiring. Nobody wants a sprained tongue or a case of athlete's jaw. Which is why my bill contains this provision: blowjob coupons may be consolidated into either a sex note at the rate of $5BJ per fucking; an anal sex certificate at the rate of ten $10BJ per poopchute-pounding; or a threesome with the cute friend from her grad program at a rate of twenty $20BJ per menage-a-trois. I am sure in this way, we will be able to keep our apartment's economy churning. It is the lifeblood of our country. God bless America!