On the eve of the first presidential debate in Denver, Oliver Burkeman takes a look at the last-minute preparations

To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: Eve-of-debate final thoughts

Mitt –

So here we are. The intensive rehearsals are over. You've memorised your zingers. We've tested the hidden device we'll be using to deliver a small but uncomfortable electric shock if you mention Cadillacs or luxury yachts, or start singing "Who let the dogs out?". We've even practised the Giuliani Escape Hatch, whereby you hilariously pretend to take a phone call from your wife. And now, if I could give you only one word of advice, it would be this: relax. Don't think about the fact that Wednesday is unequivocally the most important night of your entire career – definitely don't think about that! Just slip into your jeans, crack open a cold one (caffeine-free Coke) and self-deport to your happy place. In Denver, I want to see the graceful, easeful, flowing Mitt. The Mitt who floats like a butterfly. Mitt the dancer. I know he exists – I've seen him.

S

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To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: Re: Eve-of-debate final thoughts

Actually, on second thoughts I was thinking of Rafalca. Never mind. But give it your best shot! Be a dressage horse out there! But a manly one. (And don't mention dressage. Or horses.)

S

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To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: URGENT

Sorry for the short notice – just had quick chat with Matt Rhoades and we've decided we're going to withdraw zinger six. Zinger six is out. OK? No zinger six. That's the one where you were going to say: "My opponent thinks I've got no respect for 47% of Americans, but I tell you, I'm 100% American!" We'd be OK if the media wasn't in the tank for Obama, but since they are, it could get us into trouble. Also, it's shit.

S

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To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: Good news!

Hey, how about this, big guy? According to Nobiaspolling.blogspot.com, you've pulled eight points ahead of Obama in key swing states! EIGHT POINTS! This differs a bit from our internal polling, but apparently these guys are using a cutting-edge psephological technique that involves defining Louisiana and North Dakota as "key swing states". How's that for a little pre-debate morale boost? Atta boy!

S

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To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: Interesting.

Little tip from our mole inside PBS: Apparently, if you focus very intently on the bridge of Jim Lehrer's nose for at least 30 seconds, his lovely kindly eyes start to go wobbly and he slips into a fugue state from which you can effectively seize control of his thoughts and bodily movements. Might be worth a try?

S

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To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: Final thoughts

OK, I really don't want to distract you any further at this point, but just to summarise all the advice you've been getting over the past days: you have to kick butt, and you have to come off as likable. Also, you have to be spontaneous, but based entirely on pre-memorised phrases. In short: you need to be a genial attack dog. Like Seamus, of blessed memory, except simultaneously more vicious and more lovable. And if anyone's got the "people skills" to pull that off, it's you

S

PS. Visualisation tip, based on a book I've been reading about public speaking: imagine that your whole audience is plutocrats at a fundraiser (so you feel comfortable) – but plutocrats who've just lost millions of dollars as a result of a failed private-equity deal (so you show empathy). That's the sweet spot!

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To: Mitt Romney

From: Stuart Stevens, Chief Campaign Strategist

Subject: I'm three whiskeys in at this point

Heyyyy … we did our best, right?? Can't fault us on that. I mean, I'm not giving up or anything – we can still win this thing, yadda, yadda, yadda – but what a wild ride that was, huh? Crazy. Running for president. Us! Can you believe it? I love you, man. I mean it: I love you. The hotel bartender is giving me funny looks now, but I don't care. We've had a blast, haven't we? Oh, man. Good times.

S

PS. This is actually a really clever reverse-psychology trick to get you to think that you've already lost, so that you relax and hit it out of the park.

PPS. I am drunk though. For real.

PPPS. Wait, I'm not supposed to TELL you about the reverse-psychology trick. Ah, screw it! Now it probably won't work.

PPPPS. I'm really drunk. Going to bed now.

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To: David Axelrod, Senior Campaign Adviser

From: Barack Obama

Subject: Re: Debate prep, final thoughts

Thanks for your thoughts. You ask: "Are you feeling calm about the whole thing?" – you're joking, right? Of course I'm calm. Look, I know what I'm doing here. I get it. I have to keep my answers short, and when Romney starts talking and talking … I should let him. Oh, and I need to "avoid being condescending". Yeah, look, I think you'll find I know how to avoid being condescending.

I got this.

BHO