Everyone knows that wizards pride themselves on their transportation methods. They’re always showing up on flying carpets, or winged horses, or skateboards pulled by wolves, and shit like that. A friend of mine told me that one time a wizard even tried to freak out a medusa by showing up to their fight riding on the back of a fish he made giant and put a spell on so it could breathe air. It didn’t work though and now there’s just a statue of a wizard riding some fish and looking totally dumb.

As you can tell from the above example, wizards are always pushing shit TOO FAR. Once, way back in early wizard times, they all started getting super out of control with their modes of transportation. People were doing stuff like riding polar bears and not giving a fuck when they would eat kids on the street. “Now I don’t have to pay for food!” they’d say. The wizards with flying horses would feed them all sorts of garbage food, like chips and bean dip, so they would would drop nasty poops on people when they flew over their villages. When the cops tried to stop them the wizards would just fly off and yell, “Sorry, I didn’t realize!” (Yeah right). One wizard even started riding around on a dragon, and you can imagine how that turned out.

Finally The Wizard King made a decree: No more magical forms of transportation. The wizards would have to get around like everyone else. As you’ve probably guessed, this didn’t go over real well, but everyone knew not to fuck with The Wizard King so they shrugged their shoulders and tried to figure out what to do. One thing they weren’t going to do, was ride around with a bunch of normal humans. That’s when they hatched a plan to make The Wizard Bus.

These were the rules of Wizard Bus:

No regular people (that included nobles and even the regular king)

No doing spells or stuff that would distract the driver

Everyone would take turns picking what station to listen to

Of course day one they started breaking the second rule. People were shooting off spells left and right, trying to jinx each other and honestly having a really fun time. The problem was that there was so much magic coming out of the bus that it started to mess stuff up everywhere they went. One time a whole village got turned into frogs; this other time some kid, who was just standing on the corner minding his business, got blasted by a spell that turned him into a sexy lady and he missed a big test at school because he spent all day touching his boobs and butt. To say the least, people were pretty pissed.

The wizard king was like “Holy shit, this is worse than before! Our P.R. is in the toilet!” So he called a mandatory wizard meeting at the church (normally wizards don’t go near churches because they consider priests to be their biggest rivals, but it was the only building big enough to hold everybody except for the castle, which the regular king wouldn’t let them use on account of him still being mad they wouldn’t let him on The Wizard Bus).

“Alright dillweeds.” said The Wizard King, “You’re messing everything up as per usual, what are we going to do about it?”

Of course all the wizards starting shouting out joke answers like “How about a giant snake that eats us and barfs us back up wherever we want to go?” but after a few of those they could see The Wizard King was not having it, so what they decided is that they could have one magical bus that could fly or teleport or whatever, that way it could avoid regular people and maybe everything would be okay for once.

Fat chance.

Of course all the wizards wanted to add their own twist to the bus. Everyone starting trying to outdo each other adding stuff and, oh guess what, big surprise, shit got out of control. Soon The New Wizard Bus had like three sets of wings and tiger legs and a basketball court on top. To be honest, it was a real monstrosity. They put so much magic into it that it came to life. It broke through the ceiling of the church and started going on a total rampage though the kingdom. It ate a bunch of people, said curse words in front of babies, and did donuts in the wheat fields. Even the wizards, who normally find that kind of stuff hilarious, were like, “Well, this is too much.”

They knew they had to band together to save the world, so they stood in a giant circle and aimed their wands so all the beams would cross, which is normally like the worst idea of all time, but they were pretty desperate. Where all the beams met a giant ray made of fire and electricity and pure blood lust shot out and blasted the New Wizard Bus to holy heck. It exploded and rained down blood, and chunks of meat and metal, all over the kingdom. It was pretty gross but way better than being eaten by a bus.

After that everyone agreed that the wizards should just go back to getting around however they wanted. People still gotten eaten and pooped on sometimes, but no one complained anymore, which just goes to show that happiness is really a matter of perspective.

Art by Miranda Britton