Mo

V

Dave

So I’m gonna let you behind the Barstool curtain for a moment to discuss one of the most monumental rulings in Barstool history. Buckle up for a big time debate.

Every day for GTA we have an email chain going for the bloggers who do Guess That Ass to “call” which girl they are going to use. Its first come first serve, no sort of seniority or priority exists. Its the Wild West. Today, we encountered a dilemma never before seen. Today at 11:01am, Maurice made the first call of the day. He emailed his pick:

As you can see, some random dude Dave Wetzel received Mo’s GTA pick. Portnoy is nowhere to be found. At 12:14pm, Portnoy, operating under the assumption that not one ass had been called yet, sends out his own GTA chain, calling the same girl. This is the email chain that transpired. I present to you without any bias. What you are reading has not been altered. You make the call:

Dave Portnoy: Lisa Opie

Maurice: called her earlier. blue bikini

Dave: When? I don’t have an email from you.

Maurice: whoops. sent it to the wrong “dave”.

Dave: Then I get her right? That’s a non call.

Big Cat: I think we should make Nick decide, really put him on the spot here.

Nick???

Maurice: no way. everybody else got the email at the time i sent it.

Dave: Yeah but I was never informed. You got to inform me. It was never called. I called her first to my knowledge.

Maurice: it was an email error, like if Feits was doing gta but i emailed you instead. i agree that you called her to your knowledge, but no way you get her called solely to yourself. everybody else saw it.

Big Cat: I’m not calling it either way until Nick makes a ruling.

Dave: I think it’s pretty obvious she’s mine. I went and wrote it up knowing she hadn’t been called. Then you say you called her but realize you didn’t let me know. It’s like when Michael Scott declared Bankruptcy. You got to go through the proper channels for it to be official

Maurice: where’s Nick at? this seems like a cut & dry case to me. my email was send an hour before yours.

Dave: Not to me it wasn’t. I think you have a case if anybody else claimed her but you might as well have sent that email into outer space as far as I’m concerned.

Big Cat: Hey Nick, you in outer space with Mo’s original email? Need a call here. Can’t blog until this is resolved.

Nick: Fuck, I missed this in the chain. I gotta go with Maurice on This one. I saw his email this morning before Dave came in. Sorry Pres.

KFC: WOW.

You’re probably fired now.

Big Cat: I audibly gasped at that ruling.

Maurice: justice reigns over tyranny.

Nick: I can go to the replay booth, fuck I don’t know how this shit works. I didn’t want to look like I was kissing Daves ass and being a pussy, but I now feel like that was the wrong move.

Big Cat: What’s done is done Nick. Now excuse us while we start a separate email chain discussing whether or not you should be fired.

Dave: It’s the wrong move because it’s insane. Mo made a mistake and did not send me the email. He sent it to air. That can’t count as calling a girl. It opens pandoras box. Can I call GTA to my coffee barista now? Can I just open my window and shout it out? If you don’t correctly call it you shouldn’t get it. We are rewarding incompetence. And I don’t know why it’s Nick’s call anyway. Kid can’t string together 2 blogs right now. I’m the one driving the porche.

Nick: Thanks a lot Dan. I’m such a loser.

And, scene.

So theres the case. And there’s the ruling. Nick from Barstool LA plays judge, jury and executioner on the GTA call. Let me tell you what, regardless of what you may think is right or wrong here, it takes some ENORMOUS onions to write a blog about wooden telephones being wire tapped by the NSA and then the very next day shit directly in your boss’ mouth. Snatch a GTA right from his hands. Might as well slap the Real Mrs. Portnoy in the face too, Nick.

Now I’m sure everyone will have their own opinion, but this is probably the grossest miscarriage of justice since Casey Anthony walked. And really you need to look no further than Dave’s closing argument. It sums it up perfectly. You can’t just go around calling girls all willy nilly and expecting them to be yours. Can I email one Barstool blogger and expect that to suffice? 2? 3? No. You have to email the other 4 cities that participate in GTA to make it official. This is not ‘Nam this is GTA. There are rules. You have to go through all sorts of proper protocol to patent an idea or trademark a name and the same applies for Guess That Ass. If you were the creator of facebook you would have created facebook. If you had called Lisa Opie correctly, you would have called Lisa Opie.

Unfortunately a horrible, horrible precedent has been set in Mo v. Dave. GTA may never be the same. But since Pandora’s Box is open I officially call any and all future ass pics of Anastasia Ashley. They belong to me now.

Time to Vote –

Vote 1 for Lisa Opie belongs to Mo Vote 10 for Lisa Opie belongs to Pres

(2,860 votes, average: 5.66 out of 10)

votes, average:out of 10)

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PS – Dave Wetzel has no idea what he’s done.