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As of today, no one has had to catch hands in Sydney since the extremely succesful and rational NSW lock-laws were introduced to kill off nightlife and public drunkeness.

The parliamentary inquiry began in early August and heard evidence from a range of different industry professionals, including police and whingeing face surgeons who get a bit stroppy about having to do a job that they get paid for.

LISTEN TO OUR INTERVIEW WITH KINGS CROSS ICON ‘LES NORTON’

The laws were introduced in 2014 to deal with alcohol-fuelled violence and anti-social behaviour in the CBD and Kings Cross areas, and help gentrify the city’s inner-east – where property prices were suffering because of the waves of vibrant young people that were funnelled into Sydney.

The inquiry has found that all forms violent crime dramatically has dropped in Kings Cross, but it might be because “there’s no one fucken there” except for baby boomers who decided to retire in the inner-city nightlife precinct instead of Port Macquarie “like they fucken should.”

Premier Gladys Berejiklian said she was open to suggestions on how to boost the night time economy, while still maintaining this track record of no one being punched in Sydney at all since 2014. Absolutely none.

“Maybe we could just ban alcohol like Mike Baird’s Pentecostal advisors were us to?” she says.

“Or maybe we ban punching?”

“I don’t know, but banning nightlife has worked so far”