Meet Cleveland’s new crack team of vigilante crimefighters: eastside resident Jamila Sloan and her 8-year-old son Chris Turner, who MacGyvered an ingenious takedown of a burglar who broke into their E. 152nd St. home last Saturday.

Sloan said the intruder burst into her kitchen, claiming the house was his. She shoved his head into a fish tank before wrestling him to the floor.

“He started pulling my mom’s hair like ‘urrrgh, urggh,’ so that’s when I got real, real mad!” said Turner, who used the metal steering handle from his scooter to beat his mother’s assailant over the head. The two were able to subdue the burglar until police arrived on the scene.

Police arrested suspect Talbert Glenn, who has a criminal history and “was high” at the time of the break-in.

You know what? Screw AR-15s. They’re sleek and effective, sure, but real red-blooded Americans use pet supplies and 3rd grade P.E. equipment to defend their homestead. It also doesn’t hurt that probably a significant subset of burglars are just super-high confused dudes.