How Has This Not Happened Yet: Natalie Portman in a Sequel to The Professional

This is another guest post, the second in the new guest author series. This post is authored by Russ Ball, a haiku writer and film fan.

Okay, film fans. There’s something we need to talk about: the universe owes us a debt.

There are things that are simply supposed to happen. When you place bread in a toaster, you expect toast. When Natalie Portman establishes herself as an A-list celebrity and Hollywood finally starts making movies with strong female protagonists, we are supposed to get a sequel to Leon: the Professional.

I know you’ve seen The Professional (as it was released in the United States). But allow me to refresh your memory anyway:

Natalie Portman made her feature film debut in 1994 as “Mathilda” a 12 year old girl who befriends a lonely hitman (Jean Reno, aka the really cool French guy from Mission Impossible and Ronin) after the death of her family at the hands of a corrupt DEA agent (Gary Oldman, aka Commissioner Sirius Gordon-Black). The movie saw a few different releases, as some of the vibes between Portman and Reno were deemed too ‘Lolita-ish’ for middle America. The film is fantastic. Go watch it (again). Right now. I’ll wait. Here’s the trailer:

The rest of this depends on you knowing the movie, so seriously go watch it.

Back? Yeah, it’s great, right? So here’s what needs to happen.

Natalie Portman returns in Mathilda: The Professional II.

Hear me out.

Mathilda, having been orphaned first by her sleazy parents and again by her adopted killer father figure grows up to be an assassin too. Because obviously. Consider that part montage-d, probably during the opening credits.

Now, she’s blown through Leon’s cash, having traveled the world as a mercenary of sorts. Her traumatic childhood made it difficult to settle down. She’s beholden (as a #1 badass hitwoman) to the same mob that controlled Leon – a mob now headed by Mafioso Tony’s son – let’s call him James. He’s gonna inevitably be played by Gioavanni Ribsi, so actually let’s just call him Ribsi.

At a mob gathering where she’s been hired to provide security, she meets Tommy, the 8 year old autistic nephew of Bad Guy Ribsi. Tommy has an uncanny ability to recite any conversation he’s ever heard.

Do you see where this is going yet?

Mafia party gets raided by DEA (including head DEA Agent Willem Defeo)

Firefight breaks out – Tommy’s father & mother get killed.

Mathilda saves little Tommy,

Turns out he’s heard some interesting conversations about Uncle Giovanni Ribsi, regarding some backroom deals with a corrupt DEA agent.

Ribsi, in an effort to get into politics, has staged the raid to cut ties with anyone who could smudge his reputation (like Matilda). He’s made a deal with the DEA to lock down the drug trade, giving Agent McCorruption (Willem Defoe, really) some of the action.

Tommy doesn’t understand what he has heard, but can recite it all.

Also, he’s a hacker.

Mathilda and Tommy find themselves on the run from the bad guys.

Mathilda, remembering all too well her times with Leon, decides to help Tommy avenge his parents.

HOW HAS THIS NOT BEEN A MOVIE YET??!?

Things to consider:

Since Jurassic Park, everyone has enjoyed hacker kids saving the day. Maybe an Edward Snowden cameo?

Natalie Portman.

Many gun battles

Visiting Leon’s grave. Sad part.

Also, if you don’t recall, she planted a tree at the end of the original film. They go visit that tree too. Second sad part. (Edit: it’s actually a houseplant. Okay, so maybe the houseplant is still in the ground and they visit it?)

Also, Tommy’s eight – and eight year olds are funny.

Lots of ‘lets uncover the awesome stash of guns’ bits, where the eight year old pulls out a heavy one and almost drops it. You’ll laugh.

Could be an on-the-run exotic travel movie. Let’s say Capri because I want to go there.

Maybe when they go to visit the tree (or houseplant) from the first movie, that’s where one of the shoot-outs is.

So many feels – revenge, loss, bonding, Natalie Portman.

This simply must happen. Natalie, this part was the part you were born for.

It ends with Natalie dying, and in a few decades we can get the third installment in the trilogy.

Universe, we’re waiting.

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