As it is revealed half of Britons have German blood... Time to embrace your inner Jerry!



Achtung! Mein Gott! The revelation that millions of Brits have German blood coursing through our veins comes as a shock, well, as big as the Blitz.

Leading geneticists and archaeologists have shown that we have been cousins of the Teutons since the dawn of time — ever since the fifth and sixth centuries, in fact.

That, as any schoolboy knows, is when tribes invading from northern Europe pillaged and raped their way across England in their hordes, before settling down to the English way of life. And what the geneticists from University College in London have shown, is that they left their mark on us — indelibly.

Age-old rivalries... but after analysing tooth enamel and bones geneticists have concluded that about half of us have German forebears



After analysing tooth enamel and bones in Anglo-Saxon cemeteries and comparing the genetic make-up of Britons and Germans, they have come to the conclusion that about half of us have German forebears.

Inevitably, the Germans themselves are crowing. ‘There is no use denying it,’ said the magazine Der Spiegel. ‘It is now clear the nation which most dislikes the Germans were once Krauts themselves.’

After a century of bitter rivalry between the Tommies and the Jerries, it is tempting for us to feel deflated by this news. It’s almost as if the Germans are getting the last laugh after losing two World Wars and one World Cup.

Never did that cliché from war films — ‘You know Tommy, vee are ze same, you and I’ — seem so appallingly apt.

Xenophobia: 'Anti-Germanism' - like this classic episode of Fawlty Towers where John Cleese mimics a German Nazi by goose-stepping - is deeply engrained in our culture

But is the news really so bad? After all, don’t we have far more in common with the Germans than we realise? Our rivalry may even stem from our similarities rather than our differences.

Perhaps we should see ourselves as brothers in arms rather than brothers at war. Contentious as it may sound, I would appeal to all of you to embrace your inner Jerry.

Before I go any further, I must make a confession. My late grandmother was German, which makes me enough of a Hun to represent Germany at sport, although quite what sport that would be is unclear.

Even Adolf Hitler admired our fighting spirit



For many years, all too aware of my ancestry, I have bridled at the xenophobia whenever 22 men from our two countries are about to kick a ball around for an hour and a half.

At school, I occasionally had to endure the odd Hitler salute and goose-stepping. Although such displays were hardly bullying, they did make me realise that ‘anti-Germanism’ is so deeply engrained in our culture that a nine-year-old boy can tease another simply because he is one quarter German.

Clearly, I wish I had known then what was revealed yesterday, as I would have been able to tell my tormentors that they were just as German as I.

After all, we have so much in common with the Germans, that it seems ludicrous we are always at loggerheads. For a start, our Royal Family is essentially German, and had not its name been changed to Windsor in 1917, our Queen might have been called Elizabeth Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha.

Quintessentially British: Had the Royal Family not changed its name to Windsor in 1917, our Queen might have been called Elizabeth Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha

Prince Philip, despite being nicknamed ‘Phil the Greek’, is actually a scion of the Danish-German House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg, which, let’s face it, sounds about as German as it gets.

But the similarities go much further than the Vindsors, sorry, Windsors.

There are lots of things the British and Germans like — which include eating sausages, drinking lager, brass bands, waging wars, forging empires and driving German cars.

We also do a lot of business together. We import more from Germany than any other country, and the only country that we export more to is the U.S.

Ancestry: King Alfred the Great is noted for his defence of the Anglo-Saxon kingdoms of southern England against the Vikings

Last year, we bought £44.5 billion-worth of goods from Germany, and we sold them £28.4 billion. That’s a lot of trade, but it does rather rankle that they are £16 billion up on the deal.

Britain is also home to some 112,000 German-born citizens, only 6,000 fewer than the number of Australians, who we regard as being ubiquitous. Interestingly, a similar number of Britons — 95,852 — are living in Germany. As well as these residents, a further 300,000 Germans work and live in Britain, as well as 14,000 students. Who would have guessed that there are more than 400,000 Germans living here?

Could it be that thanks to our common Anglo-Saxon ancestry, they fit in far better than the Australians, who spend their time in Britain moaning about how they wish they were back in Oz?

The Germans just seem to come here and fit in without any nonsense — and they don’t rape or pillage any more.

One good example of this comes in the form of German au pairs. I have it on good authority that young German women make the best au pairs — and not just because they all look like that famous German-born British resident, Claudia Schiffer.

A friend who has employed au pairs from all over the EU tells me: ‘German girls seem to be much more culturally similar to us than, say Czech or even French girls. They follow a similar educational system and they just fit in.’

One reason may well be to do with humour. Now, it is often said that the Germans do not have a sense of humour, but this is just stereotypical nonsense. On an anecdotal level, every German I have met has made me laugh as much as any Brit.



A friend and I are currently working on a small business project with two Germans, and our meetings are more often spent cracking saucy jokes than getting on with business.

In fact, sauce is one important area in which the Brits and the Germans have a lot in common. It may come as another surprise that the Germans love the Carry On films.

Every one has been translated into German, although the words ‘Carry on’ were transmogrified, for no explicable reason, into ‘Ist ja Irre’ — which translates bewilderingly as ‘it is indeed crazy’.

Some of the titles are also completely different. Carry On Screaming! became Alarm Im Gruselschloss — Alarm In A Creepy Castle, and Carry On At Your Convenience turned into the idiosyncratic Ein Streik Kommt Selten Allein — A Strike Seldom Comes Alone. No matter, the fact is the Germans really do love our British sense of humour.

Isn't it time that we and the Germans kissed and made up?

Even Hitler admired the British. In Mein Kampf, he suggested we were natural allies and, lambasting the German idea that the British were soft, Hitler observed that our ‘fighting spirit, dogged determination, and use of brutal means in conducting military operations have always remained the same.’

Of course, what Hitler failed to mention was that German soldiers had fought for the British. At Waterloo in the early 19th century, the 28,000-strong King’s German Legion was considered one of the best units in the British Army.

In fact, the 19th century represented the high point in Anglo-German friendship. ‘Germany does not excite in any class among us the slightest feeling of distrust and antipathy,’ declared The Times in 1891.

Since then, our relationship has gone more than a little downhill. But now that we know that we are all from the same stock, isn’t it time that we and the Germans kissed and made up?

Maybe for all of us, the war really is over. We have nothing to lose but our sun loungers.



