Merkins of the Gods

There were so many of them and so little time. What was a man to do? He did the only thing he could do. He ate that sheep until he could eat no more then he punched Jim in the face. Why did he do it? No one can really tell but what's really important is that he did. If he had not he might not have been able to do what happened next, and at the end of the day that's what was important as it was the nexus of so many things to come. Now, Jim wasn't happy about the palm on his cheek. It didn't make him happy, it didn't make him hungry. "MY GOD DID THAT TASTE GOOD!" I wonder what happens if I do this? He thought as he pulled his pants down.



"It turns out today was a good day to NOT wear my boxers".



His penis dangled in the breeze as Maurice looked on, visibly shocked at what he saw.



"Impressed?" Asked Jim.



"I... I'm not sure what to say Jim... that's simultanioulsy the greatest and worst thing I've ever seen, and I just watched myself eat a whole sheep!" exclaimed Maurice. "Oh ghods, all of you, take pity on my, mine eyes, they have witnessed.." he broke down and sobbed" "the other day, I.. I saw, A Mudcrab".... "There there, dear" soothed Charlotte, massaging his shoulders and biting her lip anxiously. Maurice continued to sob, tears soaking into his moustache.



Maurice was a fool though, the tears seeped into the wooly 'stache and angered the bean hive! There were angry Bush Beans everywhere now! The bees began their merciless attack. With each passing thrust of their tiny stingers his face became aflame! There was no other solution. Maurice took begged Charlotte to do something, so she did the only thing that she could. To stop the bee attack she rubbed her boobs on Maruice's face to sooth the angry bees.



This only made the situation worse, now they had a taste for breasts.... Maurice liked it. A lot. Meanwhile, in the back of the room, Oprah cackled maniacally. Her bees were everywhere. With a great shuddering, grinding sound, the cart began to move, the small men guiding the oxen cackling wildly..



"Icecream" they yelped into the gloom, "99's with a flake, TWO flakes if you like" swatting bee's as they went rattling into the night. Yeah, bees. You got a problem with that? Jim had a teacher in college in his animal behavior class who was obsessed with bees. His name was Alan and he was a bee biologist.



Jim's cock was still flapping gently in the breeze. He stood aside to let the cart pass and yelped as a bee stung him on the knob. Curses, now the bees had a taste for dick as well as breasts. Enraged, he swung his now swolen penis like a bat and hit a bee, knocking it towards Maurice. The bee would have nothing of this, it released a pheromone unto Maurice's bosom that would attract leviathans!



Nearby waters churned as one such leviathan rose from the depths. It burbled with great ferocity and charged towards Maurice, whose bosoms smelled most provocative. So enraptured was the beast that it's merkin was visible to all and what a godly merkin it was. Being terribly underwhelmed with the events that were unfolding, Charlotte scrawled something onto the floor where she sat.



8====D



Charlotte giggled to herself. Charlotte was very immature.



Meanwhile the Leviathan lurched towards Maurice, it's sexual organs engorged with lust and throbbing with desire.



Maurice was nonplussed by this development and decided now was the time to act. He stood up, as for this whole time he was sat down apparently, but thats not important.



What's important is that he chose now to activate his RoboPower Armour. He thrust the activation crystal into the sky and shouted the activation password.



"OMEGA RISE"







Suddenly, a giant bee robot descended from the SUN. It came down to Maurice, and then it really came. Sexually. "thwack"! "Thwack"!! "no, noo, harder, I said harder, you worthless fucking dwarves". the whore was not amused, and began to spin a word-web under her breath. "Fuaaaarck aaaaffffff, Leviiiathaaaaaaaaaaaan" she mumbled "an tek yer april 4th, 1982 copy of the radio times wiv yah",



"I say, you wouldn't happen to have any lower gnome rot"? inquired a dapper gent, from a passing cart... "Of course I do, who doesn't these days?" He replied.



Maurice and the bee robot combined in a spectacularly inappropriate display! What emerged was the fearsome Maurbeece, warrior of justice!



In a booming voice he called out, "I'm gonna rip off your scaly head and shit down your neck!." The Leviathan, who by now you would think was on the shore ready to hate-fuck Maurice was apparently still making his was towards the now combined Maurbeece.



Also for some reason there was a clown there. Honk Honk.



The clown will be referred to no more.



As the mighty battle between the two began, the onlookers were a washed with a sense of shock and awe. So many punch-stings were thrown by the Maurbeece, but to little effect. The Leviathan's scales were thick and hardy.



Honk. Honk Honk, rang Skeeter. Suddenly....



GET IN THE CHOPPA!!!!! Arnold was here to save the day. Meanwhile, back in the shire, "MANSHANDY?" she squawked, "really?", "yes, he gasped, "full of, well, volume, and froth" he groaned, listlessly, "and I drank it all"...



He fiddled with his towel.



"well, they cast aspersions against my merkin fettling, din't they"?



"Your merkin has indeed been fettled, but what does- Hey is that a giant Leviathan?"



The sinewy serpentine form of the leviathan crashed onto the lowly hobbit hole. It's furry footed inhabitants crushed as the battles between two titans worked its way around the world. The leviathan glared at it's mechano-insectoid foe and uttered a terrible roar.



It was at that moment that Maurbeece made a fatal mistake. He never washed off the must that attracted the first leviathan! Now more of it's brethren were coming to answer the call; the call to rape Maurbeece.



"This will not do" Thought Maurice "It's time to call in the reinforcements!"



Maurice used his emergency transponder to summon the rest of the Insectobots to his aid.



Within moments his allies were around him;



Waspatron



Catakiller



SpiderJim



Robofly



and Dave.



Dave wasn't really a member of the group, but he was a retard and would keep showing up to every battle.



Fuck that guy, seriously... he's such a fucking tool. DAVE TO THE RESCUE, said Dave as he uttered "LEEEROYYYYYY... JENKINS!" As the battle reached its mighty, bulging, throbbing, climax, a horn sounded: "arooo", it was the horn of pathos, PATHOS!



Those giggling, swirling dwarves, with their dashing suits, and winning smiles, surely they would save the day, or at least divvy it up, along with a generous helping of rot.



Alas, it was not meant to be. The dwarves arrived completely sloshed and incapable of doing much more than grumbling in indecipherable, drunken accents. One of the cheeky little bastards went so far as to piss on one of Catakiller's mechanical legs. As any robot connoisseur can tell you, it takes a lot of cleaning to get that piss smell off a robot.



Comparativly to the raging Leviathan/Insectobot battle, the dwarves were the bugs. WHAT A TWIST, SURELY ONE WORTHY OF THE MIGHTY M. NIGHT. SHAMYLAN.



The dwarves pondered this as they scattered about the field of battle, avoiding the many stomping roboboots and a levithan tails being thrown about the place.



This was not a place for a dwarf, sadly they didn't realize this, as all Dwarves live only to drink and fight. Even if its hopeless. "AND MY AXE!" Crushed & wearied, they dragged them selves off each other, to lick their wounds and staunch the flows.



"Egad, look over there, one whistled, "'Tis certainly a techno goth",



"Dont be silly, its a visigoth," was the hoarse reply "no, its definitely a techno viking" brayed a third, and it was.



Verily.



With the fury of the gods, techno, and techno gods behind him, the techno viking marched forward showing only a complete indifference to the goings on around him. When the battling monsters stood in his way he simply called out, "Get the fuck out of my way or get to dancing! I care not which."



The leviathan didn't know what the fuck, so Maurbeece took the opportunity to kick it in the nards. The defeated Leviathan fell to the ground with a colossal crash! Sadly falling on the Techno Viking.



One by one, the rest of the Leviathans fell, like their brother before them.



The Insectobots reveled in their victory, and took the time to now Roboboogie. The dancing was furious, robotic and hardcore.



Then came the robohumping, as was customary after every Insectobot victory.



What of Jim and Charlotte? Well they'd snuck into the dwarfish village at the start of the battle and had been oblivious to the fighting, and they'd be furiously fucking to pass the time. Dave peered through the window, watching, and jerking. Oh boy! "Aich! I shay, terrible unsporting, what?" the leviathan steamed gently, "Well, its not like any of this hub-bub is my fault"



It belched daintily, "you see, I was summoned, by a laydeez bosom"



patting its massve rump, it continued; "I'm usually an ass guy, but, well".. it trailed off, and offered the Viking a transparent liquid. The liquid was held in a container shaped like a skull. A crystal skull if you will. As the viking grasped the container, yet another strange occurrence occurred. Dan Akroyd mysteriously appeared from seemingly nowhere. Though the viking and leviathan both tried to silence him, he babbled on most insistently about the crystal skull beverage before them.



Dan Ackroyd was a dick, and had been riding on the coattails of his now forgotten film career.



Also for some reason, he too was an Insectobot, called Shrimpomatic. Sadly, his uses were limited to aquatic battles and ironically would have been quite useful if he had arrived sooner to the Leviathan skirmish. As it turns out he was too busy watching Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and watching for "factual inacuracies" That guy really is a tool. "but, how did you appear before us, Dan, of aKroydia"? "yes, what means of transport did you employ? whisps? dreadnoughts? perhaps a carpet?



"Why the only means with which a washed up celebrity can travel these days!" he responded with delight.



He thrust his hands into his pants and withdrew a merkin of such depth and beauty that all were amazed. All who gazed upon it knelt in reverence at it's salt-and-pepper coloring which so masterfully blended in with Dan's natural hair color.



"It bears magic powers," he proclaimed, "Including the ability to appear wherever Crystal Skull Vodka needs shilling!" And shilled it was.



What followed was a mighty party where everyone got laid and all was well.



...The End?



Or is it??? buwhahhaha "hah, the triple shibboleth, the "planestrainsandautomobiles", I'ts a mighty carriage, made from metal, bejeweled with cack.



fueled with desire and the dreams of b-list starlets.