‘Sir/Madam, at this moment, I have no mobile phone and no earphones’

Respected Sir/Madam,

It all started two days back. I was standing in the balcony just like that whistling ‘Oru Poonga Vanam’ song from superhit Amala film Agni Natchathiram.

Sir/ Madam, what happened to Amala? She was my second favourite after Suhasini.

Anyway, I was standing in the balcony and whistling. Why you are behaving like boys outside Stella Maris, you are asking? Old man you have no shame?

Excuse me. Sir/ Madam, I was totally bored. I had nothing to do. All books I have finished reading. All DVDs I have finished seeing. Morning yoga also finished. And I also finished reading your esteemed newspaper first thing in the morning itself.

I told Mrs. Mathrubootham, Kamalam what will I do, I am so bored. I thought retirement lifestyle will be action thriller like Lok Sabha, but it is totally useless like Rajya Sabha. Give some suggestions.

She said, old man, you can’t see from morning to evening I am working in the house doing this and that? Why don’t you help me?

Once again, I had taken cobra on the fence and put it in lungi. So, for two-three hours I did ironing of clothes. Then I cut beans into small pieces. After that she said let us clean the fridge. We have not cleaned the fridge since 1988. While I was removing 15-year-old dried lemon from crisper, I said, Kamalam do you know that Agni Natchathiram film came out in 1988? It has been 30 years. Do you remember when we went on Kodaikanal trip, children put ‘Raaja Rajathi Rajanukku Raja’ song so many times that driver said once more you put that song, I will not turn at hairpin corner and everyone will die and hopefully song will stop?

Both of us looked at each other and thought about how time is flying and flying.

I thought retirement lifestyle will be action thriller like Lok Sabha, but it is totally useless like Rajya Sabha.

By 3 p.m., all work was also finished. So what to do now? I went to the balcony and started whistling.

Suddenly, my neighbour Dr. Shankaramenon came outside into balcony of his flat. He said Mathrubootham, why you are whistling? I said doctor, what to say, nothing to do.

He said, you wait there for two minutes. I am coming with new plan.

Sir/ Madam, Dr. Shankaramenon arrived two minutes later with his mobile phone and one big headphones. What nonsense is this I said, you look like helicopter pilot who put helicopter in no parking area and now helicopter is gone.

Shut up, Mathrubootham, he said, listen to this. And for the next 30 minutes, I sat and listened to one podcast programme about history. Sir/ Madam, I did not even move from the sofa.

This is amazing, I told Dr. Shankaramenon. How much for this? He said totally free. You just download from the Internet and listen.

What nonsense you are talking, I said. He said, god promise, I will put it on your phone.

Sir/ Madam, he put podcast application on my phone. Afterwards, I took my bluetooth earphones and spent whole day listening to history podcast, movie podcast, politics podcast, podcast-o-podcast.

Around 7 p.m., I wanted to go to toilet for urination. I thought podcast is so wonderful, I can listen during this also. After doing the matter, I was going to flush when, sir/ madam, my bluetooth earphones slipped from my ears and fell into the commode. After reciting Tirukkural at full volume for one minute, I went to the kitchen, took one plastic bag, covered my hand, and then reached into the commode to pick out the earphone. At that moment, my phone, which was in my shirt pocket, fell into the commode.

Sir/ Madam, at this moment, I have no mobile phone and no earphones. Both are totally damaged. For two or three hours, I was happy. And now everything is tragedy.

What did I do to deserve this non-stop tragedy life that is like Rohini Hattangadi film?

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham