Submitted by Sapience on Tue, 02/25/2014 - 13:47

Originally Posted On: September 13th, 2010

By: Sapience

Please keep in mind; the measurements below are highly accurate (as are their relationships to each other). However, the descriptions are for entertainment purposes only. Unless you win money, then you owe me 10%.

NOW!

Never gonna happen!

At some point in the future (also; At some point)

We’re in pure Nostradamus territory here. We have a magic 8 ball and even it said, “Ask again later”.

In the future

This isn’t going to happen during any variety of soon you care to use. In fact, it’s pretty far out there. Not as far as ‘at some point’, but we’re certainly not suggesting you book vacation time just yet. We’re probably talking about something that is possible within the current time line. Assuming, of course, the Mayans, Vikings, and 47 other random stone carvings were wrong and we’re still here after all that crazy ‘end of the world’ stuff.

In the near future

This is absolutely, positively, without question, a possibility. In fact, it might even be a real possibility. But as to when, we’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Soon™

No lie. It’s going to happen. It’s going to happen really freakin’, like, eventually. But it will happen!

“Soon”

It’s official! We have given consideration to a possible date and we now have several possibilities!

Soon

We’ve narrowed the date down to something within the calendar year!

soon

No really, we have a date now! It’s even penciled in on a calendar somewhere!

MoreSoonerish

We have a date, and we’re probably going to tell you what that date is…soon!

Incredisoon

OK! We’re done messin’ around. We have a date, we’ve found the calendar we wrote it on, and we are going to tell you. Like right freakin’ shortly! Seriously!

Tomorrowish-esque™

This is going to happen within the next 24 hours. Give or take some random number of hours which may or may not exceed an amount equal to the number of miles between the reader and the International Date Line divided by 163.97241. Unless the person is actually standing on the International Date Line at the time of reading, in which case the world will end in a cataclysmic divide by zero error and none of this will matter anyway. This is all barring any conflicts with ‘The Schedule’, of course.

As soon as possible

Time being the slippery thing it is, this has quite probably already happened. If not, it is very likely to happen while someone is typing up the message telling you when it will happen. Assuming, that it is in fact possible.

Modifiers, adjustments, and other fun stuff.

Capitalization

As a general rule, capitalization will tip you off as to a measurement’s place in time. Capital letters denote a longer period of time than lower case letters. This applies to all uses of capitalization when dealing with time. Thus Soon is longer than soon. Likewise, MoreSoonerish, Moresoonerish, and moresoonerish are all incremetally shorter periods from longest to shortest.

TM and its uses;

The notorious ™ has very specific meanings. It denotes a longer period of time than the word or phrase would otherwise represent without the addition of the ™.

“Quotes"

The use of quotes, like the use of TM and Capitalization has specific meaning. It is another measure of extending the noted period of time. Though it denotes a shorter extension than either ™ or Capitalization.

Combined notation

When you see a combination of modifiers (™, quotes, and capitalization) you must consider the impact of all modifiers on the base measurement. The more modifiers, the larger the expansion of time from the base measurement.

Addendum A: Spooky Stuff

It’s on schedule

This relates exclusively to a highly theoretical method of calculating time commonly referred to as, ‘The Schedule’. The Schedule is part of an emerging understanding of time called Quantum Sapience Time. Schedule Time has the amazing ability to exist, not exist, and potentially exist or not exist all at the same instant. It is only the act of observing The Schedule that forces it into a fixed state in which the normal rules of Sapience Time apply. This is commonly called “entanglement”. Entangling one’s self with The Schedule is a very risky proposition as it can lead to temporal disorientation. Especially as it does not require one to be in any physical proximity to The Schedule. Albert Einstein himself referred to this as “Spooky action at a distance.”

Addendum B: Backward Causality:

We told you so

Any attempt to look back upon or view the flow of Sapience Time from a future point will amplify and enhance the predictive and pre-deterministic nature of soon. The effect of this observance is to reveal the perfect accuracy of all predictions within the fabric of the Sapience Time Continuum. In short, the act of releasing content will cause the time line to become self-evident and clearly predictive of the exact moment in the future at which the release will happen when viewed from that future.