In the ever-continuing quest to become the #1 go-to for all sport-related k-pop content, Kpopalypse returns with an assessment of the kpoposphere’s best baseball pitches!

Before we begin, let’s talk a little bit about baseball, as many people around the world are not familiar with this odd sport. Baseball seems obscure but is actually easy to understand when you look at the word “baseball”:

“Ball” = there is a ball, this makes “baseball” a “sportball subgenre”

“Base” = understanding the game is very base-ic, “baseball” is actually abbreviated from “basicball” because there is not much to it really. Less (syllables) is more, as they say.

So here’s how it works. There are two teams in baseball: the team that has to throw the ball, and the team that has to hit the ball. The team that has to hit the ball, has to hit the ball with a stick. If they hit the ball they are then happy and they win, they often drop the stick and go for a run to celebrate. The team that throws the ball tries to make their ball very hard to hit using various smart techniques. If the throwers can stop the other team from hitting the ball when they throw it then the other team does not get to celebrate and they lose and are sad. That’s pretty much it.

Below are some videos compiled by my lovely readers, of various people who are a k-pop, throwing the ball. Thank you to all caonimas who submitted these! I will now assess the quality of these throws for you, the sport-loving reader!

YUJU – GFRIEND

The stick guy had no chance of hitting Yuju’s ball because it was very high – good work Yuju! This is a good benchmark throw from which we can assess other throws. 8/10.

NARA – HELLO VENUS

Throwing the ball far to the left of the stick person is also very clever, they would have to run with the stick and then hit the ball, this is a difficult advanced throw. 8.5/10

YURI – GIRLS’ GENERATION

Yuri’s ball is very poor because it gets very close to the stick. You want the ball to be as far away from the stick as possible or it might get hit. She is lucky that the stick lady is also bad at hitting. 4/10.

YOONA – GIRLS’ GENERATION

Yoona also has a very poor throw. Fortunately for her the stick guy was kind of asleep, probably in a trance due to Yoona’s boredom-rays. I am not sure if this technique (known as “boredom-bombing”) is allowed in baseball or not, but it seems like a lot of people use it openly so I will give Yoona benefit of the doubt and 5/10.

JAEHYO – BLOCK B

Jaehyo pitches far too straight, it would be too easy for someone to hit that. 4/10.

(if you see no video it’s because the embed for Jaehyo’s Naver video isn’t sporting enough to play well with your browser, click here for a separate link)

BOMI – APINK

Apink may win the most fappable video contest year after year, but their sportball skills are lacking. Bomi also gets her ball far too close to the stick here, 4/10 for her too.

CLARA

Clara distracting the stick guy with her poses is very clever but her ball also gets a little too close. She should be more careful with making the ball not be near the stick. 5.5/10.

SEOLHYUN – AOA

Just when the ball is about to hit the stick Seolhyun makes it do a clever bounce so it goes out of range! That’s very smart and worth a 7.5/10.

MISO – TAHITI

It is difficult for the lady with the stick to hit Miso’s ball. It is very high, but Yuju did it better. I still give Miso 6.5/10.

KRIESHA CHU

Kriesha Chu skillfully lobs her ball right above the action to ensure no stick contact – stylish and effective! 8/10.

MIN – MISS A

A reasonable try by Min, but it just wasn’t good enough, as the stick connects with the ball and Min loses the game. 3/10 for effort.

JIYEON – T-ARA

Jiyeon throws the ball a very long way away from the stick person. They’ll never hit that! Very good, 8/10.

UJI – BESTIE

Really far too close to the stick, no wonder BESTie remained nugu with poor form like that. 5/10.

BAEKHYUN – EXO

Baekhyun’s ball dips down low and evades the stick with style – or maybe that was just the soundwaves from the fangirls’ screams altering the trajectory. 7/10.

JISOO – LOVELYZ

Jisoo throws the ball so deviously that the stick person can’t even see it let alone hit it. Outstanding! 10/10.

MIJOO – LOVELYZ

A little hard to see because of the camera angle, but nice and high, definitely too high for stick girl to handle. 8/10.

WONYOUNG – IZ*ONE

A little tricky to see from the angle presented, but this appears to be an excellent throw from Wonyoung that gives the stick lady a wide berth. 9/10.

NAYEON – TWICE

There’s no way that Josh could have hit this high-angled stalker-evading throw from Nayeon, 7/10.

DAHYUN – TWICE

Excellent form in this throw which sinks to the ground well short of the stick person, ensuring no stick contact and a clean victory for Dahyun, 10/10.

JESSICA – GIRLS’ GENERATION

The perfect pitch – there is simply no way that anybody could have hit that. Why she wasted her life as an idol all those years when she could have been a pro sport person I don’t know. 11/10.

Not everybody can be as skilled as Jessica however, so now it’s time for the

CHEATERS CORNER OF SHAME

Cheating is a big problem in many professional sports now, such as CS:GO, PUBG and Rocket League. Baseball is now catching onto this trend. Check out these sneaky dirty hackers!

HYOMIN – T-ARA

Hyomin looks great in sportball attire and her throw is nice, but where is the stick person? Hyomin, you have to wait for the other team to arrive first! No points for you. 0/10 plus reported for hax.

SUNNY – GIRLS’ GENERATION

Sunny also cheats, so 0/10, but her very crafty lowball throw does indicate that she might be good at this game if she ever decides to play properly.

JOOHEON – MONSTA X

Jooheon sneakily arrives in disguise as Michael Jackson so he can get his throw in before the stick person even realises that it’s game time and not half-time entertainment. Very shady 0/10.

TIFFANY – GIRLS’ GENERATION

Clearly just as afraid to have her skills tested, Tiffany hides the ball behind the cameraman before the opposing team has come onto the field. 0/10 cheating is her best friend.

EUNJUNG – T-ARA

Very high throw which is good but the stick person seems to lack determination to swing at the ball properly, 0/10 because I think she slipped him some of Hwayoung’s bathwater before the game.

SUZY – MISS A

Suzy seems to have excellent technique, so why cheat? Clearly nobody was going to hit that anyway whether she waited for the other team to arrive or not. 0/10.

CHENG XIAO – WJSN

Cheng Xiao dresses up as street fighter Chun Li and scares off the stick person so they’re too frightened to even show up, that’s not only cheating it is also bullying, 0/10.

CHOA – AOA

Clearly inspired by the “bodyline” scandal in Australian cricket in the 1930s, Choa aims directly at the stick man, causing him to flee in terror. Of course he is too slow for Choa’s blazing projectile which cruelly connects with his flesh, causing significant injury. Kpopalyspe apologises to anybody triggered by this graphic content, but the truth needed to be displayed. Perhaps it was guilt over sending legions of stickmen to the hospital ward that contributed to the creeping anxiety that eventually compelled Choa to quit AOA. 0/10. (link here if the video doesn’t work)

LITERALLY HALF OF NCT 127

Oh my god, cheating sure is rife in this game. I know anti-cheat in games is a constant battle of technology but when I see organised cheating like this I think that the people who run this game need to stop working on so many new features and instead do more to stop cheating. 0/10.

ALL OF DIA

Not only is there no other team, look at that height advantage. Trust MBK to out-cheat everyone – ban these hackers for the good of the game!

That’s all for this post, hopefully you have been educated about k-pop in baseball, the sportball subgenre, and hopefully this post wasn’t too obscure for you! Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!