Dear Knights of the Brotherhood,

Howdy! I hope everyone’s summer is off to a swell start, and that, wherever this newsletter finds you, you are healthy, happy, and as intent as ever on clandestinely controlling every facet of global influence with the quiet and cruel fist of the élite.

It is an exciting time to be in the Illuminati! We have just welcomed a whole slew of wonderful new members into our family, all of whom look forward to meeting you at one of our bi-monthly meet-and-greets hosted by Rupert Murdoch, hitting the links for a round of golf on the recently reopened Clear Channel eighteen-hole course, or even just talking universal suppression of the common man over a highball in the newly refurbished NATO Oasis Lounge. And that’s just the beginning! So please do not hesitate to introduce yourself to our neophytes: Lupita Nyong’o, Ted Cruz, Michael Sam, Savannah Guthrie, and (yes, finally!) Blue Ivy Carter. Welcome, Fledgling Mercenaries of the New World Order!

But, first things first—I want to thank everyone for such a terrific turnout at our Viva La Revolución Fiesta Fundraiser back in March. I mean, wow! Go, team! With your help, we raised over 1.2 trillion dollars. Not too shabby! That money will go directly into bolstering bastions of religious influence in Latin America, pumping psychoactive carcinogens into domestic water supplies, and a long overdue paint job in the women’s locker room. Major props to Chuck Todd, Ludacris, and Prime Minister Shinzo Abe for putting in so much time and effort, as well as Jamba Juice and the Banco Central de Chile for making the night possible. You guys literally rule!

Now, August may feel far away, but trust me, enlightened few, Family Fun Night is just around the corner. Remember, this year’s theme is “proletariat fools,” so please tell your kids to start picking out their favorite naïve peon for the costume contest. First prize is two hundred dollars cash and a future ambassadorship.

And the July Fourth “Independence” Day potluck is even sooner! If you plan to attend, please R.S.V.P. to Martha Stewart A.S.A.P. With any luck, Kanye’s famous zucchini fritters will be making an appearance again this year, but I’ve been sternly told not to make any promises. That being said, I would—and have!—killed for that recipe. Yummo!

On a boring business note, membership dues are, well, due by the end of July. (Bummer!) Please snail mail to the main office both a check for a quarter of your ten-year income, and the blood of a thousand firstborns (container attached).

Also, to briefly address the reason that you are probably all actually reading this: no, the softball league will not be returning this year. It was a difficult decision, too complicated to fully explain here. But, in brief, it involved bitcoin, Crimea, and the ending of “How I Met Your Mother.” If you have any questions or concerns, please e-mail the athletics co-chairs, Mario Lopez and Jared from Subway.

But, rest assured—there is still plenty of fun to be had in the Illuminati! Planned events for the summer include a book signing with Bill O’Reilly, iconography workshops at the United States Mint, Bible study with Rev. Joel Osteen on the Eighteen Undiscovered Gospels, and a Q. & A. with Tupac. Plus, guided hand-gesture tutorials, cancer vaccine clinics, and—back by popular demand—a tour of BuzzFeed. Then, later in the fall, you can look forward to apple picking with Henry Kissinger, PETA’s annual vegan-chili cookoff, and an intimate evening with President Obama and Anointed Successor Christie.

Too. Much. Fun.

So! Onward and upward for the rest of 2014! After a stellar first few months, I have never felt more confident in our efforts to further infiltrate and control the entire planet from under a shroud of darkness—all the while strengthening our awesome community and having a little bit of fun along the way.

Your Shadow Lord of the All-Seeing Eye,

Oprah