Crust Punk Squatting in Tree Accidentally Saves Park From Demolition

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local crust punk Johnny “Eight Fingers” Arnold awoke late Saturday afternoon to discover he had accidentally saved a park from demolition after falling asleep in a tree the night before, multiple sources confirmed.

“I got kicked out of my friend’s basement after I drank her Glade Plug-In juice and puked it up on her girlfriend, so I was drifting around and just chilling here ‘til I found another place to crash,” Arnold said, shaking leaves out of his jacket. “Next thing I know, I see a bunch of weirdos holding signs and shit, and three or four loud-as-fuck bulldozers trying to mow the tree over.”

Protesters in South County Regional Park expressed support for the young punk, unaware that he was merely looking for a safe place to sleep.

“Johnny’s courage and selflessness is like that of no other,” said environmental activist Karen Shulsky. “He single-handedly postponed destruction for two more weeks, and inspired talks of installing public showers for our… how should I say this? ‘Hygienically challenged’ residents.”

Friends of “Eight Fingers” and fellow members of the scene were shocked by his heroic display of environmental consciousness.

“I knew Johnny had some strong opinions on stuff — like where the best burritos in Boca are, and if Rancid is punk or not — but I didn’t know he cared so much about the environment,” said local drummer Arlo “@ss-Blast” Hempstead. “And I’ve known the guy since he was Johnny ‘Nine Fingers,’ so we go way back.”

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Arnold, however, claimed he supported neither “a bunch of corporate suits with big trucks” nor “some gay-ass Yes-listening hippies,” and only arrived knowing that the park wasn’t usually patrolled by local police.

“This park is pretty important to me, I guess,” he said. “I’ve been arrested for public urination here six times. I heard they wanna turn this dump into a mall, though, and honestly, that sounds way cooler… probably wouldn’t have as many fuckin’ deer ticks, either.”

The South County Parks and Recreation Department plans to present “Eight Fingers” with an embroidered vest patch for heroic service.

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Article by Quin Browne.