The zombies are coming, so be prepared

In this image released by The Weinstein Company, Chris Violette, who plays Tony, left, lays wounded as Joe Dinicol, who plays Eliot, center, fights off a zombie in the film, "George A. Romero's Diary Of The Dead." (AP Photo/The Weinstein Company, Steve Wilkie) ** NO SALES ** IMAGE RELEASED BY THE WEINSTEIN COMPANY. NO SALES. AP PROVIDES ACCESS TO THIS PUBLICLY DISTRIBUTED HANDOUT PHOTO. THE COPYRIGHT IS OWNED BY A THIRD PARTY. less In this image released by The Weinstein Company, Chris Violette, who plays Tony, left, lays wounded as Joe Dinicol, who plays Eliot, center, fights off a zombie in the film, "George A. Romero's Diary Of The ... more Photo: Steve Wilkie Photo: Steve Wilkie Image 1 of / 1 Caption Close The zombies are coming, so be prepared 1 / 1 Back to Gallery

The zombie invasion is coming. Whether you survive, or become just another snack for the walking dead, depends on your ability to get to the end of this column. No pressure.

This isn't about "Diary of the Dead," the latest movie from zombie filmmaking godfather George A. Romero, which comes out Friday. Or the sacrilegious straight-to-video remake of Romero's "Day of the Dead," all copies of which should be immediately destroyed when it hits the shelves this April.

This is about preparing for the inevitable real-life zombie attack. The U.S. Geological Survey in 2003 said there's a 62 percent chance of a magnitude 6.7 or greater earthquake in the Bay Area in the next 30 years. I'd have to put a zombie invasion in the same time period somewhere around 90 percent. Make no mistake: Between the possibility of a rogue virus, an alien spore or there simply being no more room in hell, the dead are going to walk the Earth in your lifetime.

Not that our government is lifting a finger to help us prepare. The Federal Emergency Management Agency and the state Office of Emergency Services has detailed information for more than 15 different disasters on their Web sites - covering everything from wildfires to dams breaking - but not a single word about what a citizen should do during a zombie attack.

FEMA alone has four different sections on its Web site focusing on disaster preparedness for volcanoes. Like that's ever going to happen. What was the last big volcano movie? "Dante's Peak"? The section on tsunami preparedness is equally irrelevant, for entirely different reasons. Everyone who has watched "The Abyss" knows that no matter how many tidal wave warnings are issued, half of your neighbors will head toward the beach and stare at the sea anyway.

The only organization I could find preparing us for the zombie holocaust is Zombiedefense.org, a five-person operation that dispenses some great advice. ("For the last time," the site warns, "once she tries to claw the gray matter out of your head, she's not your mom any more.") But they don't even have funding for helicopters, which any zombiephile will tell you are vital for battling a zombie outbreak - both for transporting survivors and lopping the heads off the walking undead with the rotor blades.

It's a fallacy to assume that improvements in technology prepare us for a zombie invasion. If anything, we're more vulnerable than ever. U.S. citizens are fatter and slower than they were 20 years ago. And well-meaning politicians keep handing out big wads of cash in exchange for everyone's guns.

Thankfully, plenty of instructional videos are available. Romero's five zombie movies, along with "28 Days Later," "28 Weeks Later," "Shaun of the Dead," "Planet Terror" and "Fido" are enough by themselves to cull together a pretty good survival manual. Here are a few tips in case the zombies get here before your Netflix envelope arrives in the mail.

Make friends with people who are slower than you are: This one is pretty obvious, but can't be emphasized enough. When I meet new people, I generally gauge my willingness to socialize with them further based on their time in the 40-yard dash.

Remember: All zombies are created equal: Try not to focus too much on a zombie's profession, relationship to you or disposition in a previous life. Because the Fred Rogers zombie is just as likely to eat you as the Hitler zombie.

Stay well-armed: Bad news, Bay Area liberals: It turns out Charlton Heston was right. But don't fret too much: It's technically possible to be a seasoned zombie fighter and oppose the Second Amendment. Be creative! Sharp objects are good for beheadings. A bow and arrows can be effective. Or get one of those cattle-gun things that Javier Bardem walked around with in "No Country for Old Men."

You know that scary and reclusive Vietnam vet who lives across the street? Get on his good side: As B-movie connoisseurs know, the creepy. grumpy old hermit guys always make the best zombie fighters.

Know the fastest route to the nearest mall: I've researched this extensively, and there isn't a major mall in the Bay Area with a gun store. Consolation prize: At least pick a mall with an "As Seen on TV" outlet. The Ginsu knives will come in handy, and you might be able to fashion a Bedazzler into some kind of firearm.

Move to Shasta County: Come to think of it, maybe this isn't such a great place to live after all. If Forbes magazine ever comes out with its 50 Worst Cities for Zombie Attacks issue, the Bay Area would have at least five cities in the Top 10. Too many suburbs, too many hippies and not enough cops. Relocate to a place with a lot of shotgun-wielding farmers and pot growers. Your life may depend on it.

-- Mark Morford columns with inset links to related material can be found at sfgate.com/columnists/morford.