A lot of people ask me: Jason, what's your secret to success? how have you risen to such great heights when so many others have failed to measure up? How have you become so handsome, so well-groomed, so utterly pleasant to talk to?

Is it my charm? My wit? No, friends, it's because — as a person paying me a large sum of money recently put it — I'm a well-endowed, clean-shaven man. And because I'm also a giving man, I'd like to share a few things I've learned about shaving through the years.

Shaving Law No. 1: Shaving in the shower is something communists do.

You like shaving behind shower curtains? You know who else likes doing things behind curtains? Stalin.

Shaving Law No. 2: Unshaven men should not handle babies.

It turns out, to babies, the only thing worse than not waking up in the middle of the night to cry (because, at least, my kids seem to love doing this) is when their dad hasn't shaved. Seriously, my wife won't let me anywhere near the kids when I have stubble...

Shaving Law No. 3: If you haven't shaved in four weeks and you put on a sport coat, you still look like a douche.

Shaving Law No. 4: Straight-razor shaving is not a pick-up sport.

Before I head into any hard-hitting interview, I like to test out my mean one-liners on interns. Sure, sometimes I hurt their feelings, and maybe they go crying to HR about my "unprofessional conduct" like the little babies they are, but I'll tell you, when I'm interviewing people who actually matter, man do those one-liners zing! What's the point? Practice on people who don't matter before doing anything important. And that's my problem with straight-razor shaving — there's no practice time. It's just me, my jugular, and an incredibly sharp knife. Sure, I could practice this skill on the interns, too, but let's face it, none of them can replicate this perfectly angular face of mine. So my fourth law is this: Only shave with a straight razor if you've done it before.

Shaving Law No. 5: Your face is not a canvas, your razor is not a brush, and the designs you shave into your face are always terrible.

Of course, if you'd prefer a cash endowment over an endowment of litigious shave knowledge, I'm giving those out, too, with my friends at Edge Shave Gel. Just follow along on Twitter (@EdgeShaveZone) and use the hashtag, #WellEndowed, for instructions on how to win.

Jason Jones is a correspondent for The Daily Show.

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