In news that is likely to be less happy that people might hope, it’s emerged that Luiz Gustavo will address the issue of his next club after Brazil’s midweek game with Switzerland.

According to Sky Sports, Gustavo’s agent, Roger Wittman, said, “Luiz will make a statement on his future on Thursday.”

For those hoping he’ll turn around and say “I’m joining Arsenal!”, that is about as likely to happen as Scarlett Johansson turning up on your doorstep in the mood for love [as this is an equal opportunities website, ladies can imagine a hunky guy like Bryan Goslinger or Justin Bimberlane].

Yesterday, the Bayern Munich midfielder spoke of his willingness to come and play for Arsenal and Arsene Wenger, but we’ve heard nothing from the other side. Which is fairly normal.

Even if there was a deal in place, there’s no way the player would be announcing it, simply because that’s not the way we do business.

Anyway, some suggestions about what his statement could be:

– He could confirm he’s leaving Bayern and has options to consider

– He could say he’s staying at Bayern after buying Pep a nice sweater/shirt combo

– He could express his desire to give up football to form a DeBarge tribute band

– He could stay completely silent for 10 minutes as journalists got increasingly anxious, then point to one, do the draw a knife across his throat gesture and walk out

– He could announce that he is the one true Christ and all others before him are fakes, then, with a flick of his almighty finger, cast down a plague of locusts in the shape of Joey Barton.

– He could give an in-depth lecture explaining why he feels Hot Shots and it’s sheer awesomeness is what drove Charlie Sheen to a life of debauchery and drugs.

– He could decide ‘Sod this’ and go for a sandwich and announce nothing

We’re torn between three and six.