TEST 1: SNIPPY.

TEST 2: TWO AND A HALF BARS OF SOAP.

TEST 3: A DUCKFACE.

TEST 4: PIE.

TEST 5: NAPALM.

TEST 6: A JAR OF HONEY.

TEST 7: FRIENDSHIP

MY SNIPPY LOOKS RATHER SOUR TODAY...I SENT AN INQUIRY TO THE UNIVERSE AS TO WHAT BE THE MOST PERSONAL REASON FOR SUCH SOUR-NESS.THE UNIVERSE HAS DURPLIED BACK TO ME WITH FOLLOWING:"YOUR PET MIGHT EXPRESS DISPLEASURE IF IT IS HUNGRY".THUS, USING MY MOBILE POCKET MICROWAVE, I HAVE DECIDED TO BAKE SNIPPY A SERIES OF PIES TO TEST WHICH ONE MIGHT BRING HIS SOUR-NESS TO MORE ACCEPTABLE LEVELS.THE SERIES OF PIE-TESTS IS DEPICTED BELOW WITH RESPONSES OF SUBJECT.TRAIN OF THOUGHT: WHAT WOULD MAKE THE BEST INGREDIENT FOR PIE IF NOT THE SUBJECT HIMSELF?SUBJECT HAS BEEN OFFERED TO BE MADE INTO PIE.SUBJECT DOES NOT WANT TO BE MADE INTO PIE.SUBJECT HAS BEEN "ACCIDENTALLY" SHOVED INTO A PIE ANYWAY.SUBJECT RESPONDED WITH: "What the hell? G-damn you! Why would you do this? Where the hell did that pie come from?!"TRAIN OF THOUGHT: SUBJECT HAS A DIRTY MOUTH.SUBJECT STARED INTO OFFERED PIE WITH SUSPENSE DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION FOR THE APPEARANCE OF PIES.I TOLD HIM TO EAT THE PIE AT ONCE, BECAUSE THE PIE IS COOLING QUICKLY.SUBJECT BIT AT THE PIE AND FOAMED AT THE MOUTH, SPITTING PROFUSELY AND SWEARING MORE THAN PRIORLY.SUBJECT THEN FLAPPED HIS ARM NOODLES WITH "Why does this taste like soap?!""BECAUSE THAT IS MAIN INGREDIENT." I RESPONDED CALMLY. "ALTHOUGH I HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT ITS DUBIOUS QUALITY AS IT HAS NOT SUFFICIENTLY CLEANSED YOUR MOUTH OF CURSE-WORDS."SUBJECT CONTINUED TO SWEAR, WHILE I RATED THE SOAP ON G-BAY THE AMOUNT OF EXACTLY 2.2 STARS.TRAIN OF THOUGHT: A DUCKFACE IS AN ANCIENT EMOTE. PERHAPS IT WILL AFFECT SNIPPY'S SOUR-FACE.THE CONCEPT OF DUCKFACE HAS HAUNTED THE G-BOOK OF FACES FOR DECADES UNTIL THE DIRECTORATE COPYRIGHTED IT AND CHARGED USERS FOR UTILIZING IT. ONLY USERS WHO USED G-LIPSTICK WERE ALLOWED TO HAVE DISCOUNTS ON USAGE OF SUCH.SUBJECT POKED AT THE PIE WITH HIS HAND."STOP POKING AT IT! ZAT IS NOT HOW YOU EAT PIE!" I REPRIMANDED HIM."I'm just making sure there's nothing horrible in it this time." HE RESPONDED."I ASSURE YOU, THIS PIE CONTAINS NO HORRORS. ONLY PROBABLE FEELS OF TEENAGE ANGST!" I BUTTERED UP."Aha! I knew it!" SUBJECT DISCOVERED PHOTOS OF DUCKFACES WITHIN THE PIE, FLINGING THEM EVERYWHERE.THE AMOUNT OF DUCK-FACE FLOATING IN THE AIR HAS FAILED TO CHEER THE SUBJECT UP.TRAIN OF THOUGHT: A PIE WITHIN THE PIE SHOULD DO THE TRICK.THE PIE MATRIX HAS PROVED TO BE TOO FRAGILE TO BE TAMPERED WITH.AS A RESULT OF MY PIE WITHIN PIE WITHIN PIE WITHIN PIE INFINITE RECURSIVE FRACTAL EDIT, THE UNIVERSE HAS FULLY CRASHED WITH SUBJECT SNIPPY FALLING HEAD FIRST INTO THE INFINITE PIE ABYSS, SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.THANKFULLY I HAD MY HANDY TEMPORAL WATCH ON ME AND WAS ABLE TO WIND THE UNIVERSE TWELVE SECONDS BACKWARDS TO A RESTORE POINT OF INTEREST.TRAIN OF THOUGHT: HOTTER PIE IS BETTER PIE.SUBJECT APPEARS EXTRA GRUMPY, RANTING ABOUT REMEMBERING FALLING INTO THE RECURSIVE ABYSS.I AM NOT SURE HOW HE MANAGED TO REMEMBER THIS FACTOID. HIS WRISTS, NOR POCKETS DO NOT POSSES TEMPORAL WATCHES.PERHAPS HE SWALLOWED ONE WHEN HE WAS A CHILD, I SPECULATED.EXPERIMENT 5 WAS RUINED BY PIE EXPLODING INSIDE MY POCKET MICROWAVE BEFORE REACHING SUBJECT."Are your pockets on fire?" HE COMMENTED, NOTICING SMOKE POURING OUT OF ME POCKETS."THIS IS NORMAL" I ASSURED THE SUBJECT.TRAIN OF THOUGHT: THIS BETTER NOT BE GOOD DIRECTORATE SWEETENER POSING AS HONEY.EVER SINCE THEY SUED THE BEES OUT OF EXISTENCE REAL HONEY HAS BEEN REAL DIFFICULT TO COME BY.SINCE MY POCKET MICROWAVE EXPLODED, I HAD NO QUICK WAY TO MAKE PIE.THUS, I SIMPLY HANDED THE SUBJECT A JAR OF HONEY AND STATED "HERE, PRETEND THIS IS INSIDE OF A PIE!"SUBJECT SIGHED AND OPENED THE JAR OF HONEY.IT SEEMS LIKE THE UNIVERSE IS FAILING TO ENFORCE ITS OWN COPYRIGHT LAWS.SUBJECT IS CURRENTLY COVERED IN BEES.I RECOMMENDED HE APPLY TO BOOK OF G-NESS WORLD RECORDS FOR LONGEST BEE-BEARD-LENGTH RECORD."I can't hear you over these g-damn bees!" SUBJECT WHINED."HM. PERHAPS THESE ARE JUST PRETEND BEES? THEY DO LOOK KIND OF RED AND SOUND RATHER LOUD." I WOBBLED."Arghghghkhskdghhhh!" SUBJECT JITTERED. PERHAPS THE BEES WERE TICKLING HIM OR LEARNING HIS MOST DARK SECRETS.I EXAMINED THE CAN'S BOTTOM. IT STIPULATED A WARNING: "DO NOT OPERATE IN OPEN SPACE WITHOUT A PERMIT. NON-CONFORMIST BEES MAY BE SUMMONED.""WELL THIS EXPLAINS IT." I MUTTERED."Ughhhshehghhhgee!" SUBJECT FLAILED WEAKLY FROM UNDER THE BEES."BUZZZZZ" EXPRESSED THE BEE HIVE-MIND.TRAIN OF THOUGHT: HUMAN FEELINGS ARE OF IMPORTANCE.I USED A TENNIS RACKET TO BEAT THE BEES OFF SNIPPY. THEY WERE MOST RESILIENT AND DID NOT WISH TO LEAVE THEIR NEW NEST OF CHOICE, BUT EVENTUALLY I FOLLOWED THAT ROAD TO SUCCESS IN MY STRUGGLE TO LIBERATE SNIPPY OF THEIR COMMUNIST AGENDAS, BY OFFERING THEM THE FOLLOWING COUPON FOR ONE FREE BURGER:FREE OF THE BEES, SNIPPY HAS REFUSED TO ACCEPT MY FRIENDSHIP REQUEST ON G-BOOK.PERHAPS HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO INTERNET DUE TO BEING ONLY BACKWARDS COMPATIBLE.I ASKED THE UNIVERSE HOW PEOPLE OF THE DISTANT PAST ACCEPTED FRIEND REQUESTS.THE UNIVERSE DISPLAYED A HAND-SHAKE MOTION.I REPLICATED SUCH ON SNIPPY. SNIPPY HAS ACCEPTED MY HAND SHAKE, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS VISIBLY SHAKEN BY BEE-RELATED HARASSMENTS.OUR FRIENDSHIP LEVEL HAS BEEN BROUGHT UP, THE UNIVERSE TOLD ME.