You may know Teen Vogue from such informative articles as “Karl Marx: Dream Guy,” “Everything you Wanted to Know About Anal Sex but Were Too Decent to Ask,” and “Kids Aborting Kids: A How-To Guide.” But here comes the mag’s hot new “Magical Orgasms” feature!

Keeping to the theme of the left’s flirtation with the occult, Teen Vogue posted a guide to “sex magic” today. The teen magazine used the subheading “make your orgasms literally magical.” The guide cited self-proclaimed witches that offered masturbation techniques such as “incorporating lunar vibrations,” “color magic,” and “sigil carving.”

The guide is part of Teen Vogue’s Practical Magic series written by imaginatively named astrology “expert” Lisa Stardust. Stardust exclusively writes on astrology, magic, witches, and whatever other pseudo-pagan garbage she makes up on the spot. Teen Vogue publishes a weekly horoscope from Stardust, consisting of random advice given to random people based on a random birthday. The horoscopes range from advising Geminis to tap into their inner magic to instructing Capricorns to smash the patriarchy.

Predictably, the absurdity of Stardust’s horoscopes extends to her Practical Magic articles. The first installment of the Practical Magic series is a “Magic 101” guide to all things magical. In that article, she blamed society’s stigmatization of the occult on xenophobia, “religious concern,” and (of course) the patriarchy. The second installment of the series asserted that vampires might be the cause of your workday fatigue.

Stardust entitled her latest article “How to Use Sex Magic to Manifest Your Best Self” in a magazine with an underage target audience. In her intro, Stardust claimed that “sex magic” can be used to “shift the universe” and achieve your wildest dreams. In other words, if you’ve always wanted to become an astronaut, try using orgasms.

Stardust went on to explain how to “cast any spell you want using sex magic.” Since using magic on others is dangerous, she advised practicing on yourself through masturbation.

The masturbation techniques Stardust offered are from “witches” such as Kristen Sollee, author of Witches, Sluts, Feminists: Conjuring the Self Positive. When masturbating, Sollee suggested visualizing a certain “intention” and tuning “into the goal you have in mind and channel all of the electric energy of your orgasm into that visualization.”

For the next tip, assuming the teen audience already possessed sex toys, Stardust recommended charging sex toys “under the moon” to incorporate “the lunar vibrations.” She did not elaborate on what “lunar vibrations” are.

According to Stardust, if you’re going to be casting sex spells, make sure you get your colors correct:

For example, if you are trying to bring in more money, you may want to use the color green. Love will require a pink color, healing is the shade white, purple is used to enhance professional gains, and red is to increase passions. The reason is that color is an energetic frequency that can transcend dreams into reality [...] This can help boost the vibration and power of your energetic wavelengths through sensual play.

Somehow, she was dead serious when she wrote this.

Stardust proceeded to instruct her audience how to carve sigils on a candle to “charge it with your orgasmic energy.” At the end of the process, Stardust stressed ”looking at the sigil, envisioning it … at the moment of climax is one such means for giving it a magically charged activation.”

Her penultimate tip taught teens how to masturbate during a bath. Quoting “professional witch” Michael Cardenas, Stardust stated:

Take your regular shower and then draw yourself a bath. Take some honey, put some on your lips and say ‘I am the essence of love.’ Next put some honey on your heart and say, ‘I am love.’ Lastly put some honey on the center of your forehead and say ‘I love myself.’ Soak in the tub and read the list of things you love about yourself.

Sounds, er, magical.