EDMONTON, AB—Kurt Baumgartner, 58, has been very vocal for years now about his general disgust for Millennials. He has written lengthy comments on articles, posted angry Facebook rants, and even had an article published in a magazine condemning the "Me Generation."

According to Baumgartner, it all started five years ago when he began to realize that he might hate his son.

"My son came home from Toronto on Thanksgiving weekend, 2011. He was the same old Jamesie we knew and loved – until he somehow took a photo of himself and complained about his internship," Baumgartner recalls with rapidly escalating rage.

He continues, "I figured Jamesie would just go straight from university to the best possible job in finance, but instead he's doing that job for free, like a goddamn coward."

It was at that point that Baumgartner thought he might not like his son anymore – not even a little bit. Instead of dealing with these emotions directly, he decided to confront the issue in a more abstract form. Surely the problem wasn't just his son, he reasoned. It must be absolutely everyone born between 1982 and 2000, give or take a few years.

Today, Baumgartner eagerly directs any and all online discussions toward the numerous and unforgiveable failings of Millennials. He complains about their dress and their facial hair. He even goes as far to suggest that they are all lazy hypocrites, which is easy to do when you assume that a group of over one billion people shares the same interests and values.

"They don't eat meat but they love Pogos! Hypocrisy!" was Baumgartner's latest rejoinder.

Deep down, Baumgartner knows that every time he criticizes those born between 1982 and 2000, he's actually saying "Fuck you!" to his beloved son, Jamesie. He says that every reply he gets on his recent Pogos post is like a secret dagger to his son's abdomen.

It's unclear if Baumgartner will one day have the courage to strike out in the open.

Another classic trait of Millennials is that they don't know how to use a damn phone, which is a very important skill:

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