Dallas, TX—

Radio conspiracist Alex Jones recently claimed that Democrats would launch a second American civil war on the Fourth of July, a prediction that very obviously was complete trash.

Credit to Mr. Jones, though, he spent several minutes on his show apologizing.

“I want to take a moment to say that I was wrong, ladies and gentlemen,” said Mr. Jones. “Hillary Rodham Clinton did not invade the Southern states with her army of gay frogs and wizard lizards on Independence Day because she needs more time. She needs more soldiers. Her gay-ification process takes longer than she wants, and President Trump has deported too many of her wizard lizard MS-13 illegal aliens back to Mexico, so she needed to postpone the invasion of North Carolina from the evil lair she shares with Tim Kaine in Virginia. That’s where all of Hillary’s army is encamped. Then Barack Hussein Obama has his army of orcs sitting in liberal New Mexico. It’s a pincer movement they have planned. Killary and Tim Kaine will take their army of gay frogs south along the Atlantic seaboard, and Obama will take his orcs east into Texas and they’ll capture the South and force them to become communist. Obama has one million orcs. You may think I’m exaggerating folks, but I’ve seen it. Last weekend I was doing reconnaissance, and I saw Obama taking the orc bodies out of the mud and bringing them to life with a giant Kenyan staff of magic. Have you ever seen The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? It’s exactly like that. Saruman is there. And let me tell you, these orcs are nasty, and they only drink the blood of Christians for energy. And Hillary is letting Obama borrow her top gay frog general. So watch out New Mexico. Watch out for the frogs, because Obama is definitely turning them totally gay. So we’re in trouble, my fellow Americans. Obama and Hillary’s evil armies of darkness plan to fight their way through the South and meet up in the middle in Alabama, at Jeff Sessions’ house, where they’ll force America to surrender to their joint dictatorship. But we can’t let this happen. Thankfully, we patriots forced them to put off their plans. Independence Day was saved from these villains. The second civil war will not begin just yet. They’ve pushed it off until Christmas. Obama and his Sharia Law want to ruin Christmas for everyone, and Hillary just hates children and eats them like candy, so of course she agreed to the idea. So mark my words, everybody. On Christmas Eve, Obama will march into El Paso, and Hillary and Tim Kaine will take their hordes of gay frogs some 5 million strong into Murfreesboro, North Carolina. It’s coming. For real this time. Alright, everyone, I’m coming up on a commercial break, so let me tell you all about this great supplement I’m selling on the website that guarantees you will get enough protein in your muscles to be able to fight off twenty gay frogs at once. It’s got 30 grams of protein per pill, and it tastes like absolute crap so you know it’s some powerful stuff…”

(Picture courtesy of Mark Taylor.)

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