TTC Chair Karen Stinz has talked customer service all year. The new chief customer service officer, Chris Upfold, held a town-hall meeting last month.

“There’s not many organizations in the world that would find it strange talking to their customers,” he said, acknowledging that for the TTC this is novel.

Here’s advice. It’s small compared to high fares, dirty stations and surly staff, but really TTC, as the kids would say, could you just STFU?

Stop the barrage of nanny announcements. Stop telling me three times a day how to ride escalators and not to hurry and to put those scissors down before I take an eye out.

I fear my mother will whack me with the broom again for this, but it’s like you hired mom from 50 years ago to harp at me. I’m just trying to get to work or somewhere to buy socks. Stifle yourself.

There are maybe 10 messages, played over and over and over until the insipid five-tone horn that precedes the harping triggers my acid reflux reflex.

“Don’t rush other passengers” on escalators. “Don’t rest anything on the handrails.” You should say, “Don’t expect escalators to escalate.”

“Take your time when using the stairs, vehicles and walkways.” Highly effective — I’m never, ever jostled by a TTC customer not taking his or her time. Employers city-wide accept “taking my time on the TTC” as an excuse for lateness.

“Put the garbage where it belongs! — in ‘the new’ TTC recycling bins.” I’ve heard this for more than two years. They aren’t “new” and we know what goes in them.

“When you hear the subway door chimes, please don’t charge the doors — wait for the next train.” Please. Everyone knows the chimes mean “rush the doors.”

“Wait for the next train?” Too chancy.

“Please remember, smoking is not permitted anywhere on the TTC!”

Could I forget? You’ve told me about 1,500 times since I returned to the trains 27 months ago.

At least that one works. Smoking is one problem you don’t have. I’ve seen and smelled no end of revolting things on the TTC. I’ve seen the same disgusting messes on stairwells and platforms for weeks. But no butts. And I’ve never noticed anyone smoking.

Next, with pride: “ALL stop announcements are NOW fully automated!” Okay, “now” means since more than two years ago, so why keep telling me?

Then your silly request that if we don’t hear the station announcement, call this number. We’re all to reach for a pencil the odd time we get elbow room? It’s too much to expect your staff who presumably also don’t hear the announcement to act on it? Or that we could maybe just mention it to them? No. We should call.

But we are to “notify the station collector” if we drop something on the tracks.

There’s the “request stop program” under which “women travelling alone” on buses can ask the driver to let them off between stops if it’s late and dark. I know. You told me yesterday. And the day before, and . . .

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Discrimination? Might not a frail elderly gent (no, I do not mean me) be just as much at risk as a woman?

“Please stand back of the yellow line.” I know, I KNOW! But your incessant harping makes me want to rush the yellow line and fling myself to the tracks.

Then we have: as a courtesy to other customers, place backpacks “on your lap” or “on the floor.” The ineffectiveness is felt every day when the hordes of Sherpa guides push past on their way to Everest. When one turns too quickly, they could take somebody’s eye out.

Never have I seen a backpack on a lap on the TTC.

These are my laments, dear TTC.

By the way, your shiny new Rocket train has a lovely voice, which at every station says “please stand clear of the doors” after the doors have closed. That's amusing now but would be annoying in a year or two.

Now, since I counsel this to others, here’s a suggestion among my plaints. Teach people it’s easier for them to get on the train if they first let others get off. But please, not with your daily “de-de-dit-dit-dit” horn followed by the horrid voices.

Other subway systems mark the floor where the doors open, reminding people to form an inverse V-shape until others exit. It works.

It likely won’t dissuade those who turn sideways and dodge between exiting passengers as if there’s a $100 bill hidden under a seat inside, but it might end the single-file exits forced on us by crowds on platforms.

But I will put up with that in exchange for just some quietude. Please?

Murdoch Davis is executive editor of the Star, and a regular TTC user.