



#1: Shittah

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“I went to Fenway Pahk yestahday, and had to pay a dollah to use the shittah.”

“Pissah!”

Correct usage in conversation:

“Noah built the Ark of shittah wood, and then packed thousands and thousands of animals into it.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’ll pray for your soul.”

What it means:

The tree that yielded the shittimwood of the Bible, probably a species of acacia



#2: Prickmadam

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“Here’s my prick, madam.”

“That’ll be $50.”

“What do you charge for a shittah?”

Correct usage in conversation:

“I just ate a shitload of prickmadam. Sorry about the carpet.”

“That’ll be $500.”

“Pissah!”

What it means:

Any of several species of stonecrop, used as ingredients of vermifuge medicines.

(It’s a plant that makes you shit parasitic worms out.)



#3: Titular

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“She has the nicest titular area I’ve seen in a coon’s age.”

“Excuse me while I masturbate.”

“Why don’t you do that in the shittah?” Correct usage in conversation:

“She’s the titular head of the National Organization of Women.”

“That would explain the mustache.”

What it means:

Having a particular title, rank, or position, but not possessing the power or exercising the functions usually associated with it



#4: Dickey grind (or, nasty grind)

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“Would you like to do the Dickey grind in my titular area?”

“Here’s my prick, madam.”

“That’ll be $50.” Correct usage in conversation:

“I saw her doing the Dickey grind at the skate park yesterday.”

“Excuse me while I masturbate.”

“Dude, she has a mustache.”

What it means:

An inline skating trick by which the skater turns 90 degrees clockwise to mount a surface, sliding with the trailing foot backward and the back skate on its outside edge



#5: Cockchafer

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“Never do the Dickey grind in that prickmadam’s titular area. She’s a real cockchafer.”

“What does she charge for a shittah?”

“That’ll be $50.” Correct usage in conversation:

“All these trees are infested with cockchafer.”

“Pissah! What kind of trees are those, anyway?”

“Shittah!”

What it means:

A large European beetle with larvae that destroy trees and other plants. Family Scarabaeidae.



#6: Horehound



Incorrect usage in conversation:

“Bob is such a horehound, he paid $50 to do the Dicky grind on that cockchafer prickmadam’s titular area. Then he did a shittah and gave her a Dirty Sanchez.”

“That would explain the mustache.” Correct usage in conversation:

“My horehound is infested with cockchafers.”

“Pissah!”

What it means:

A bitter perennial mint with downy leaves and square stems.



#7: Cooter

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“That prickmadam’s titular area is a real cockchafer, but I’d pay $50 to do a Dickey grind in her cooter.”

“You’re such a horehound.” Correct usage in conversation:

“How do you like my girlfriend’s cooter?” [Pointing to her cooter.]

“Pissah!”

What it means:

A large freshwater turtle native to the eastern United States. Genus Chrysemys.



#8: Hand organ

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“I’m a real horehound, but I don’t have $50 to pay a prickmadam to let me do the Dicky grind in her cooter, so you’ll have to excuse me while I go crank my hand organ.”

“Better not do it in the shittah. It’s infested with cockchafers.” Correct usage in conversation:

“How do you like my girlfriend’s hand organ?”

“I prefer her cooter.”

What it means:

A mechanical musical instrument with a bellows, played by turning a crank



#9: Uvula

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“Honey, show him your uvula.”

“Excuse me while I go to the shittah.”

“When you come back, I’ll show you her cooter.” Correct usage in conversation:

“How do you like my girlfriend’s uvula?

“I can best express these feelings on my hand organ.”

What it means:

A small, fleshy, U-shaped extension of the soft palate that hangs above the tongue at the entrance to the throat.



#10: Assagai

Incorrect usage in conversation:

“Thata Luigi, he’s a reala assagai.”

“He shoulda be carefula he doesnta geta shittah on his handa organ.” Correct usage in conversation:

“When I stiffed that prickmadam for $50, she threw an assagai at me.”

“At least she didn’t infest you with cockchafers.”

What it means:

A slender hardwood spear with an iron tip, used especially by the Zulu peoples of southern Africa.



#11: Niggard

Incorrect usage in conversation:

You know what? Let’s just skip this part. Correct usage in conversation:

THERE IS NO CORRECT USAGE. Don’t ever, ever use it, whatever you do. Ever.

What it means (as if it matters):

Somebody regarded as stingy or miserly, if you live long enough to explain it.

WARNING: #11 is a perfectly harmless word, if by “harmless” you mean you don’t mind losing your job, and possibly having a cinder block introduced to your cranium. Even when you use this word innocently, you are taking your life into your own hands.