PHOTOGRAPH BY BILL CLARK / CQ ROLL CALL / GETTY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Looking ahead to his final State of the Union address, Barack Obama told NBC’s Matt Lauer that he was “celebrating, just celebrating the last time I ever have to talk to these bastards.”

“I’ll be going over some of the accomplishments of the past seven years and outlining some of the challenges for our nation that remain ahead,” the President said, in an interview taped for NBC’s “Today” show. “But inside, I’ll be like, ‘Good Lord, I never have to so much as look at these horrible people again.’ ”

Asked which member of Congress he would most enjoy never looking at again, Obama responded, “That's tough. It’s a toss-up between Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell. But the beautiful thing is, I don’t have to choose, Matt. After tonight, I don’t have to look at either of them.”

When Lauer reminded Obama that he might still have to engage in face-to-face conversations with McConnell during his final year as President, Obama visibly shuddered. “God, let’s hope not,” he said.

Over all, the President suggested that his ambitions for his final State of the Union were modest at best. “Just to be able to look out at that sea of bastards for the last time ever—well, it doesn’t get sweeter than that,” he said.