How I Imagine Goldilocks’ Job Search

Interviewer: You have a very interesting resume–but I note here that you checked “yes” on the questionnaire regarding felony charges?

G: It was no big deal, really…I was arrested for breaking and entering, criminal trespassing, and vandalism.

I: Wow.

G: Oh, and petty theft. But don’t worry; I made my mistakes as a teenager but I did my time in Juvie and am definitely reformed.

I: This is just… a lot. If you don’t mind me asking what did you steal?

G: Hmm?

I: Your petty theft charge?

G: Some porridge. I ate the porridge that was sitting out at the house. So no big deal.

I: But why?

G: I was hungry and it was there. The temperature of this one bowl of porridge was so perfect that–well, you wouldn’t believe it even if I tried to explain it.

I: We actually had a huge talk recently here at Laniger and Brown about office supplies being stolen. I mean even the chair I’m sitting on is probably worth $200.

G: I may have broken some chairs but I’ve never stolen anything other than porridge. And a top once from American Apparel.

I: I…see.

G: Okay. Look, I know this isn’t going well. And I know how bad this my seem, but to be honest the house I broke into was just a bunch of bears. Not a big deal at all. I mean, they shouldn't even be allowed to have houses in the first place!

I: What did you mean by that? “They shouldn’t be allowed…?”

G: Houses! Of course. Like, come on. A bear owning property?They’re bears, know what I mean?

I: No, I don’t. As a matter of fact my grandfather is full-blooded bear.

G: Fffffffffffffuuuck.