THE HEAVENS—Growing increasingly annoyed at their clear ignorance of basic social cues, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly irritated Thursday that His guests did not understand it was far past time for them to leave Heaven. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t say they could stay forever—some of them have been here for centuries now,” said the frustrated Almighty, who had long since ceased any attempts to entertain the guests and had instead begun to loudly do household chores throughout Heaven’s blissful expanses, a hint that was completely lost on the millions of souls who remained casually reclined on their respective clouds or catching up with their deceased loved ones. “I’m always happy to let people crash for a few nights, but enough is enough. I have shit I need to get done. Plus, they’re eating me out of house and home. I’ve tried every trick in the book to get them to split. I even told them I was taking a trip outside the universe for a while, but they were still here when I got back. I turned off the harp music a long time ago—it’s like, come on, party’s over.” At press time, the fed-up Heavenly Father had finally worked up the courage to casually ask Mother Teresa about her plans for the rest of the day.

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