At this point we all know that I’m the world's number one proponent of men learning how to talk to women. I want to help men, I really do. But recently I’ve realized that it’s not really the talking that’s the main problem; it’s listening.

You might be thinking: Why does she want us to adapt? Can’t women learn to talk more like us? Thing is, women and genderfluid and non-binary folks have adapted. We’ve done all kinds of exhausting emotional labor learning how to operate in a world that favors male-centric communication. We’ve all learned how to brag about ourselves and be more cocky and demand promotions and to never bring anything even quasi-emotional into an argument. In a lot of spheres of life—especially in the workplace—we did adapt. But we consistently knock it out of the park when it comes to relational communication. So maybe it’s time to learn from us.

Talking with cis straight men often feels like climbing a hill while talking to other people feels like sitting in an inner tube floating down a lazy river. Conversations with men so often turn competitive, whereas conversations with women are much more collaborative. Combative conversations get old for us almost immediately; if you challenge everything we say, you quickly become uninteresting.

But it’s not just the words that matter; it’s how you guys say them. A couple weeks back, I was hanging out with my boyfriend and three other guys. It just so happened that I was the only woman in the group, and I had to fight to even finish a sentence. I’m not a meek person by any stretch, but it was exhausting to try to finish a thought when multiple people were rushing to talk over me. Eventually, I just gave up.

Now, none of it was malicious, and the back-and-forth was mostly lighthearted. But I still left early, saying I was tired. (Which, in a way I was). In the Lyft home I kept replaying the conversation in my head, and I just felt like it was all so… rude.

I have no idea how women got a reputation for talking too much. I’ve almost never seen two people on a date where the woman dominated the conversation, but I’ve seen hundreds where the guy has. When you interrupt someone, what that communicates is, “I genuinely don’t care what you were saying because what I am about to say is more important.” I’m not sure why guys do this. Maybe it feels contrarian. Or maybe it feels flirty like in the movies. In reality, it’s not hot cut us off to make your point; it’s hot to listen to the point we were trying to make.

Here’s the good news. There’s a very easy way to get better at listening: wait two seconds.

Two seconds is all it takes to become a better listener. I know because I used to suck at listening. I grew up in a loud, Italian house with four other siblings, and getting a word in was a competition. None of us ever noticed that the characters in Gilmore Girls even talked fast. (I still don’t hear it, sorry). When you’re all vying for attention, there isn’t much time to actually listen to what the other person has to say. Instead, just count to two before you open your mouth. What this does is gives the person talking the chance to add something more, maybe even something that’s difficult to open up about, but it also gives you the chance to really hear what they’ve said and possibly respond more thoughtfully. (Or maybe not! Maybe you’ll just end up saying the first thing that pops in your head anyway, but at least the other person will feel heard.)