I have dated a very broad spectrum of men and over the years I have tried my hardest to learn how to stand up for myself, be me and not to take the shit. However I was not always that way. I was weak, vulnerable, used, abused and I always managed to find myself in those situations where I didn’t know how I was losing myself. So now, I am going to break down the plethora of men out there that didn’t always treat me properly and maybe took a little piece of my weakness, in turn giving me the opportunity to replace that weakness with pure hard strength.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not a man hater, I am actually friends with a lot of the men I’ve dated except for one specific one. I have not once held anything against these men, for they truly are good heartened people. A lot for me was finding the courage to stick up for myself and not let people keep taking advantage of me.

#1 The Controller:

I “dated” a few guys in high school, but really nothing ever came of it (a few kisses here or there- maybe a hand hold). My first real boyfriend was right after I graduated in 2001. He was obsessive and controlling but I didn’t even realize it. Throwing fits every time something didn’t go his way, pressuring me to lose my virginity and begging me to do a lot of things that didn’t make me comfortable. But he loved me. He tricked me into dating him by making the guy I truly liked out to be someone I didn’t want to be with. I chose to be with this guy and had to spend every moment with him. The choice of losing my virginity was given to me, by him, on a trip to his grandparents cabin where no one would be. It happened, it was awful and I cried. I never wanted to do that again. We broke up shortly after because I was moving to a different province to go to College. He was going to propose to me so that I would never leave him, but I said no and moved away. He told me he would never love again but less than two weeks later a friend told me he was with someone else.

He taught me that listening to my heart and making that choice to leave was right and staying for someone else would have been a life ruining mistake. Phew.

#2 The Non-Com-miter:

This is the guy who took me home after the bar every night, but never gave in until there were no other options available. Of course I didn’t know that at the time. I always just thought it was a cute little secret relationship that we had. Not blasting it around. We “secretly” had sex and would meet for dates. It was fun and I was very into him. He was not so much into me. One night we were all heading back to his place after the bar and there was a girl in the car with us. She ended up going into his bedroom with him and I just awkwardly slinked home. I ended up moving back home right after this. (Not because of this)

He taught me that if you have to hide something, it’s probably not going to work out. And also… he’s using you dumb dumb.

#3 The Summer Fling

This was a guy that, honestly, I don’t even know how we hooked up. I assume through mutual friends. Anyway we started dating in the summer and it was quite lovely. The biggest problem was he would say come here and I’d be there in a heart beat. He was my first adventures in sex. But it was a time where I really was just waiting around to hear from him. I remember one specific time he was playing cards with a buddy and two girls. I was in the living room playing video games and it was really quiet, I turned to the dining table and the two girls were making out with each other for the guys. On a plus side he opened up my eyes into the idea of there being more out there than just missionary sex. The only problem was, towards the end of the summer, he was becoming more and more absent. Eventually I knew I needed to break it off because I was starting to really fall for him and I knew he had no intention of being with me.

He taught me that I could trust and open my eyes to a lot of possibilities in the world of sex. Loosening up, finding confidence and not being too insecure.

#4 The Raper

This is the guy who took it all away. In previous posts you have heard all about him. He convinced me that I could be loved. That we could have a future. And then he knocked me out and raped me anally in my car.

He taught me not to park in abandoned areas.

But honestly, he taught me that I am the strongest person I know and nothing will destroy me.

#5 The Angry Guy

This was my longest love. Now I am not ready to get into this, I refuse to say anything negative about the father of my child. Regardless of the hardships we have had and how destructive we were together. We were the most unhealthy when we were together, we had a child, soon after that everything crashed down around us. We made the decision to split and it was the healthiest thing we could have ever done. There was a lot of anger, hate and hurt. But now we are best friends, we co-parent like you wouldn’t believe and we make it work. There were multiple things on both ends that destroyed us, including a lack of anger management and not seeking help for mental health. But I will never say negative things about him.

He taught me to stand up for myself, to put me first and never take someone’s bullshit. He taught me that I can’t be a good mother unless I take care of myself first and that it’s not always my fault.

#6 The Coke Head

This was fun. This was the first person I dated after my ten year relationship with my son’s father. This was a guy who was 8 years younger than I and showed me a lot of what I missed when I had a child. He disappeared a lot, I wouldn’t hear from him for days, he flirted with every single girl that was around. However the friendship and connection with him was refreshing. He was young not only in age but in attitude. I felt like I had to take care of him, but he mentally helped coach me through my hardship and was immensely wonderful to me. We are best friends now, as we knew it wasn’t going to work out between us. I broke it off with him because I knew there was no way that I was going to get what I needed from him. Now he is a love in my life that I will always cherish.

He taught me that I am a good person. A good mother. A great friend and I put up with a lot of shit when I shouldn’t have too. He has also helped over the year to start getting over what other people think about me.

#7 The Non-Communicative Guy

This was the first person who seemed proud to be with me. The first time I seemed GOOD for someone. That I knew I could bring out the best in a person and they would be able to do the same with me. Love is blind. This was the first time someone was exceptionally nice to me AND wanted to be with me. I became infatuated with it. Head over heels in lust of having someone be nice to me, say nice things, be intimidated by me and hold me on a tiny pedestal. But then, as my vulnerabilities came to light, there was a change in power. I lost it all. I started to drive myself crazy with the fact that I wasn’t enough for him to pay attention too. We would spend a night together and then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. I would start to think that I did something wrong. As time went on, he felt the need to end things with me. I was in love and ready to put in all the strength I could to make that relationship work, but he wasn’t. He had said that he wasn’t wanting or willing to put the effort in and that the honeymoon was over. It took a long time for me to realize, but the exhaustion I felt from maintaining that relationship was destroying me. I was living a double life as he had no intentions of meeting my son. When he broke up with me, I mentally broke and ended up on bed rest for a week, with medication and sedatives. The one thing this man truly did for me, was help me find my sexuality again. He opened me up to a world I feared after my rape and molestation. He helped me find courage and strength in taking ownership in my own body. I can not thank him enough.

He taught me that if you have to work that hard on your own, it’s not worth it. That if someone really loves you and wants to be with you, they will also put their best efforts forward too. That you should never feel guilty for wanting to talk to or be with someone you’re in love with. That you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in fear that you are being too much for them.

I don’t regret any relationship I’ve had. All of these men have helped play a part in who I am today. I would hope that maybe I also had an effect on their lives and have helped them grow in some way or another. Life is full of lessons, trials and tribulations. You can’t harbor angst and anger or you will never grow. You will never be positive if you dwell on the past and don’t try to keep moving forward. My heart still hurts immensely from some of these relationships but I remind myself that I am very thankful for the things I have learned. For those periods in my life that have taught me so many things about myself.

Be Strong, Be Brave, Be You

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