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Take your gold-plated jewelry to the pawn shop, and dump your portfolio into silver dollars. You don’t want to miss this opportunity.

For time immemorial, gold has been a signal of wealth, power, and beauty.

Nothing says, “I’m the king!” more than a heavy, spiky, golden helmet.

Will you love me forever? Here, take this golden ring. It has so many uses!

This week alone, I’ve been called a goldbricker, a gold digger, and told that I deserve a golden shower. These are all clear evidence that gold must be the best.

But, if you believe any of that, I’ve got some fool’s gold that I want to sell you.

You see, gold isn’t what it used to be. Well, atomically it’s exactly what it’s always been.

But economically, gold is now playing second fiddle. I’ve been calling this shot—incorrectly—for years. But just like the last decade of stock market bears, I’m proud to announce that I’m finally right.

Throw all my other Retirement & Investment articles out the window. Silver is the new gold!

The silver lining of climate change

You don’t have to be an economist to realize that climate change will impact the global economy in enormous ways. Green energy, population displacement, disaster relief—the list is long and impactful.

But in terms of silver and gold, people are overlooking the impact of losing our cloud cover.

“Science” tells us that climate change is reducing the amount of cloud cover on Earth. Clouds reflect sunlight, produce precipitation, but most importantly, dark clouds are a significant source of silver linings. We harvest these linings, smelt them down, and create workable silver for the economy.

The Wright Brothers collecting the world’s first silver linings

But fewer clouds means lower supply of silver. And if supply goes down, the price goes…up! The time to invest is now!

Birthrates are dropping

Since the early 1990s, birthrates in industrialized nations have been dropping. More and more adults are looking around and thinking, “…Nah.”

This has economists worried about future workforces (who’s going to do the work?) and future markets (who’s gonna buy stuff?). But they are all thinking inside the box. I’m way outside the box. In fact, I don’t even see the box!

The last century of U.S. birthrate. X-axis = Year. Y-axis = births per 1000 people

If nobody’s being born, then, by pure logic, nobody is being born with silver spoons in their mouths. Fewer spoons means less silver. And again, that low supply will drive the price up. 4D chess…Checkmate!

Diversify your diversification

Financial planners suggest that diversifying is a key to mitigating risk. A well-diversified portfolio is akin to keeping your eggs in different baskets. So on top of stocks, bonds, and other investments, why not toss some gold in there? Eggs in a basket? Gold? GOLDEN EGGS!!

It’s an interesting thought.

But gold won’t be your golden goose.

To be truly diversified, I think we need to go one level deeper. You say you want precious metals? Why stop at gold? Nickel, bronze, molybdenum…all good choices. In recent years, tin has been a tremendous investment.

Trillions of tinfoil hats are being produced for flat earthers, Bigfoot fanboys, and Area 51 raiders. I’m wrapped in tin right now.

Wear PPE!

And what does tin kinda look like? Silver. I’m calling this demand by association™, and yes, it’s trademarked.

Demand by association™ , noun: when one thing is like another thing, so if you want one thing then that thing’s price goes up, and so the price of the other thing goes up too.

While this tin is uncomfortable to wear, I’ve never felt so Clear. Be gone, Thetans!

Meta-markets

When millions of people read this golden wisdom, the market for silver is sure to catch fire. Demand will go through the roof.

So if you’re reading this and the silver market still looks calm…well, you’re in early! Hop on that bull before it starts bucking.

When the SEC comes to investigate me, I’ll invoke my Fifth Amendment rights and get off Scot free. If Enron can do it, then so can I.

Golden rules, silver lessons

Have I convinced you yet? Ready to re-mortgage your house to invest in silver? I hope not…

I apologize if my silver tongue (silver fingers?) fooled you, but this is a hokey April Fools joke. And if you didn’t get the joke until now…yikes.

Not only is silver not the new gold, I don’t even think gold is the new gold.

Precious metals worked in Rome, sure. But Romans also dumped their doo buckets in the streets. Ackchually Jesse, the Romans had an advanced sanitation system. Sure they did.

Oh, and the Romans had an inflation crisis when they started using tin for coins instead of silver. It’s a cool example of economic forces in action, even if the Romans didn’t fully understand those forces at the time.

I would invest in gold the same way I invest in crypto, which is the same way I invest in blackjack and roulette. To me, it’s a luck-driven gamble, not a knowledge-driven risk.

So there’s a golden nugget of info for you. While not the most useful Best Interest article, I hope you got a good laugh today. Here’s some more Silver and Gold for you.

-Jesse