Forget about another disappointing season of Breaking Badguys: Afghanistan. Nevermind tossing more nonsense cruise missiles into Syria. Those temporary bumps in audience numbers are for losers. What we need to do Mr. President is think really big. Blockbuster big. Blockbuster bigly. Believe me Mr. President, no board room of Hollywood execs and consultants can compete with the limitless production budgets that feed our daily defense expenditures. If low-energy Twin Peaks can make a return after 25 sad years then get ready to brush up on your duck & cover drills, because the 20th century is coming back to prime time. Over half a century ago we left our greatest generation on a cliffhanger at the 38th parallel. So now, once and for all, our military-industrial-multiplex is prepared to deliver one final spectacular season of Cold Warriors: Korean Peninsula.

Just one problem, sir. We haven’t secured a full green light from American taxpayers to launch into full wartime production. Many stubbornly continue to believe that the North Korean regime is a rational actor with no choice but to pursue forcible entry into the nuclear club. Rocket Man and his dumb generals remember vividly how everyone’s favorite North African despot was anal-murder-raped by disloyal subjects on the streets of Tripoli in the stunning 2011 conclusion of Game of Drones: Libya. And to make it worse, bad hombres Benioff and Weiss over at HBO have blatantly ripped of our plot devices so many times that we can’t just rehash another round of we-came-we-saw-he-died terrorvision. What we need this time is something to ignite the deepest patriotic fury of Americans both young and old alike. To unify the vengeance of corn-fed mid-Westerners and digitally-addicted coastal elites in common defense of that which we hold most near and dear. If Gulf of Tonkin can justify the loss of 50,000 US service members and two million or more insignificant civilian casualties, just imagine Mr. President when rumors begin to surface that a devious foreign power has absconded with a complete hi-definition copy of the soon-to-be-released Star Wars: Episode VIII !

As you’ll recall, sir, an infamous North Korean cyber attack resulted in huge embarrassment for Sony Pictures in 2014. Of course, that intrusion was actually carried out by true red, white, and blue deep cover cyber patriots. Fallout from the incident facilitated replacement of key positions in Sony’s unattractive management with our own classy operatives. These very excellent allies then proceeded to authorize production of the humorless Ghostbusters 2016 reboot and its hideously obvious pro-feminist agenda. We calculate that several strategic swing state victories this past November were ultimately delivered in your favor on the wrath of triggered sci‑fi fanboys alone. Fortunately, our North Korea cyber patriots have once again infiltrated far behind studio lines in order to make American wartime programming great again.

Disney executives breathed much relief this summer when the theft of their latest Caribbean pirate romp was revealed to be a hoax. Sadly, this spurious intrusion was little more than a digital diversion. And unlike the impenetrable chastity of Disney princesses, the heavenly honeypot of Lucasfilm servers have been breached. Information vital to the destruction of our enemies has now been placed into the memory systems of the North Korean state. Take courage Mr. President, sacrifices for war must be made. Disney stock prices must suffer a temporary correction on the altar of freedom. No matter the anguish and great torment for shareholders, we shall hold steadfast. When Veterans Day arrives this November and a swell of support for our terrific troops covers the land, the revelation that Rocket Man and his dumb generals are enjoying a pre‑emptive private viewing of Luke Skywalker’s latest adventures will strike America like a lightning attack from Palpatine himself.

Like the power of the dark side, which is lovingly known as trolling in this galaxy, the North Korean regime will be unable to resist spoiling the entire plot of Episode XIII triumphantly over state television. Illicit screenings across Asian theater chains will spread rapidly while bootleg network traffic paralyzes the internet like never ever before. Bereft, in disbelief, the Western civilized world will be left reeling as its most highly classified cultural security secrets are prematurely revealed. And in this very instant, at our truly lowest moment as a species, a miracle is born. A force more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Conservatives, liberals, independents, cosplayers, and shitposters alike unifying in newfound solidarity. All memory of protest and resistance forgotten as every American stands proudly together in unison. Every retweet calling for justice. Every voice raised in harmony. Every firearm and toy lightsaber turned outward against a common enemy. All citizens and people of goodwill demanding the most dire consequences for any foreign power foolish enough to sanction early screenings of our most treasured war saga. Exceptional American audiences everywhere will line up on midnight December 15th — one nation, one people, ready to retaliate. Standing by to hear their really amazing President reluctantly ascend the podium and say:

You may fire when ready.