Age: Fractionally younger than soil and water.

Appearance: Muddy

Oh, don't tell me all the poor people who got flooded are now engulfed by mud too? Amazon needs to start doing welly boots for houses. And paying tax. But that's really another issue. No, it's not about that. It's about eating mud.

I'm sorry, what? At a restaurant serving soil in Tokyo.

Ah – I'm nodding sagely – Heston Blumenthal's done all he can in Bray and Waitrose, has he? Bumped for long enough against the limits the staid British palate will tolerate, eh? Gone off to a country happy to look a raw fish in the eye and call it lunch? Very sensible. No, this is chef Toshio Tanabe, who has started serving soil to his customers.

Oh yes, they do that at Noma in Copenhagen. It's really hazelnuts, malt and beer. Not this stuff.

You mean it's actually … you know … soil? Yup.

So he just shovels the stuff from the garden straight on to plates and then manages to charge a fortune to gullible pseuds, is that it? Hardly. This is lab-tested-for-safety, first-class agricultural soil from the farmlands north of Tokyo, baked, boiled, triple-filtered and mixed with gelatine to produce mud, which is then used as the basis for various dishes.

Such as? Potato and soil soup.

Of course. Salad with a soil dressing. Soil risotto with a sautéed sea bass and burdock root. Soil ice cream. Soil gratin. And soil mint tea.

Sounds … appalling. His newest dish is Soil Surprise.

Don't tell me – the surprise is there's soil in it. No, wait – that there's no soil in it. No – wait – It's a ball of mashed potato mixed with soil and topped with a soil sauce.

I'm still sticking with "appalling", I think. Very wise.

Do say: "What a wonderful earthy texture. And smell. And taste. I'd happily pay upwards of £70 a head for this."

Don't say: "I'm sorry, there seems to have been a terrible mistake. You appear to be charging me a great deal of money for A DINNER MADE OF SOIL!"