One nice thing about the internet is that each of us has the ability, if we're canny and careful, to enrage thousands of people. I'm not talking about such small-time infractions as barreling into a Star Wars discussion group and declaring that Wicket the Ewok could kick Boba Fett's ass. That will rile people up, certainly, but generally the sort of people who argue on discussion boards are the sort of people who love to argue on discussion boards. They'll call you a sampler pack of obscene names, certainly, but deep down they'll relish the chance to rush to the defense of the man-hunting Mandalorian.

No, we're talking about enraging people, causing a red haze to envelop the very core of their being. We're talking about a reaction that can only be achieved by committing one of the internet's most heinous crimes: revealing details about a recently released movie. Bigotry and libel of the highest degree are nothing compared to revealing that the blonde chick in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is actually a Nazi.



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Even now, some of you are irate that I revealed an important plot point about that movie, that 19-year-old movie. Others recognize that in order to discuss movies, you actually have to be able to mention things about them, or all movie discussions will look like this:

Movie Buff One: I was watching Terminator on Blu-ray last night. What a great movie! I loved the part where Arnold does that thing with the items he purchases from the location.

Movie Buff Two: Me too! And the thing he does before he says the line he says! I'm glad robots in the future will be programmed to say cool stuff.

Movie Buff Three: Arnold's a robot? SPOILER!

Movie Buff Two: He has a metal face on the poster!

Movie Buff Three: Shut up! I just killed your dog!

Clearly, where lawlessness and chaos rule, someone has to step in and establish order, just like that one guy in that one movie. That's why I'm providing the following iron-clad, indisputable, rough guideline for when it's OK to post a spoiler without suffering the censure of a cadre of wounded geeks.

Start with the baseline: six weeks. Then add and subtract time according to the rules below. When you're done, you'll have the amount of time you're required to wait before revealing the spoiler without a huge flashing warning. Negative results are taken literally: You can reveal these things before the movie even comes out.

If the spoiler is:

revealed in the trailer: Subtract four weeks.

obvious if you think about it even a little, like "Spider-Man rescues someone!": Subtract four weeks.

about someone dying: Add three weeks.

about the death of a character who's been in one or more previous installments of the series: Add another three weeks.

about who murdered whom: Add another three weeks.

a rip-off of a previous scandalous spoiler – specifically anyone being anyone's father, anyone actually being a different gender or people naming their sled anything: Subtract two weeks.

the climax of the movie: Add four weeks.

in the real-life events the movie is based on: Subtract two weeks.

in the book the movie is based on: Subtract six weeks.

in the TV show the movie is based on: Subtract 12 years.

about a betrayal, unless the betrayer has a facial scar: Add one week.

about a betrayal in which the betrayer has a facial scar: See "obvious."

in the title of the movie: Subtract 12 weeks.

a hilarious joke: Add two weeks.

an awful joke: Subtract two weeks.

not in full release outside the United States: tough luck, foreign people.

already a running gag on two different late-night programs: Subtract four weeks.

in the first 10 minutes of the movie: Subtract four weeks.

a cameo appearance by anyone but William Shatner: Add one week. (Geeks can intuitively sense incipient Shatner cameos, so those are never spoilers.)

involves an undercover cop in more than 2 ounces of latex makeup and/or a wimple: Don't see the movie in the first place.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a key grip, a dolly grip and a kung-fu grip.

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