WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD… BUT IT’S BEEN OUT FOR YEARS NOW. YOU’VE SEEN IT.

So, it’s like, the 80s or something, and this kid Quill, he’s super sorrowful, like, as sorrowful as I was when Friends ended, you know? Nah, he’s like, super bummed out, ‘cos his mum’s got this cancer, and it’s crazy sad. Like, I thought this was supposed to be a fun movie, like the one with me and my buddy Scotty in, but his mum’s dying and holding his hand, and I’m crying more than I was when I got convicted. Man, that was, like, a messed up time in my life. You know the food in prison? Gruel. Gruel Omelettes. It’s like, unpleasant, you know? Ok, no doubt, back on track, got it, ok. So Quill cries and runs outside, but then he’s like, abducted, and then the cool logo starts.

So years later, Quill’s like, this Chris Pratt type, and he’s dancing and stuff and in space, you know? He’s going to retrieve this orb, and he picks up this little creature like a microphone, it’s crazy. But these other dudes, these crazy freaky aliens the Kree, they turn up. You see the other night they were on Contraxia, soaking up the snow and stuff, you know? When they come across my Uncle Carlos, who was, you know, abducted like in the olden days, and he was saying, “damn, I sure wish I could go to this planet and get this crazy powerful orb, it’s stupid fine, know what I’m saying?” So the alien dudes were like, “‘sup bro, where’s this planet?” But he couldn’t remember the name, so Carlos was going, “nah, but you know who does? My girl Bella” They see Bella, and she’s like, “yo good lookin’ what can I do for you?” And he’s like, “We’re looking for this orb girl, it’s this fine purple type thing.” She gives them some, like, super vague coordinates, and they hop on over. So they found out from Carlos to go to Bella who gave them some real vague coordinates to this stupid dangerous planet. And they got there.

So Quill’s like, “I’m Star-Lord dudes,” but they’re like, “we don’t care bro, just hand over the orb, be cool, you know?” But he doesn’t, and he escapes in a super awesome way in his spaceship. It’s real fine, nah, crazy stupid fine. But this guy like Southern Papa Smurf, he’s real angry ‘cos Quill didn’t hand over that crazy valuable orb. He’s saying, “Hand it over son,” but Quill’s like, “this ain’t my first rodeo man, so I’m not giving it over, so there.” Little does he know that this crazy dude who bathes in people’s blood and stuff is also after the orb, and he’s called Ronan.

So Quill’s on Xandar, and this dealer with these cool eyebrows, he’s like, bro, I won’t take your orb, ‘cos this crazy dude Ronan’s after it. He then runs into this green chick, and she’s working for Ronan, but she’s like, got her own plans for the orb. She’s untrustworthy, kind of like my cousin Pablo’s alibis, you know? Man, he’s collecting restraining orders like Quill’s collecting orbs. Ok, back on track. So they have a fight, but this crazy freaky tree and this racoon type thing, they want to take out Quill to get a bounty from the Papa Smurf type, you ‘member? So it’s like, they keep taking the orb and losing it, and the action’s radical man, like, super radical. The tree’s just like, “I am Groot,” but the green chick’s then saying, “I’m gonna take your arms off son.” And she does, it’s brutal, man. They all get caught in this star beam, and they’re all sent to space prison.

There’s this bit where Rona like, sees this raisin face dude, and he’s like “fail me again and I’ll bathe the star ways in your blood.” It’s badass man, you know? Just thought I’d put that little detail in there, as it may be important later on, I guess.

So in prison, everyone’s like, “we hate you green chick ‘cos your the daughter of the purple raisin face type who sits around a bunch,” and there’s this one guy who’s like, real eyeing them up, and his name’s Drax. So when these prisoners like, go to kill her, Drax is like, “yo, let me kill her, ‘cos her boss killed my family and it’s super sad, you know?” But then Quill turns up, and he’s like, a smooth criminal. He goes, “sup man, leave her be and we’ll help you kill this Ronan dude you hate, cool?” So Drax says, “yeah, I hate his guts man.” It kind of reminds me of this time I was… ok no more asides, totally, no doubt, let’s go.

So Quill, the racoon type thing and the green chick, they plan to escape and sell the orb to this buyer the green chick’s got, this crazy wealthy Collector dude with slaves and stuff. So this crazy freaky tree gets things going, and then there’s some like, insane action. Quill is told by the racoon to get this guy’s leg, but as soon as he gets it, the racoon’s like, “nah, I was kidding man, you must be like, embarrassed, lol.” So they escape, because the racoon pulls this weird move where he turns off the artificial gravity everywhere except where they are, and it’s like, stupid convenient. I mean, what kind of prison has that? If prisons had that, then my cousin Pablo would have escaped like, a hundred times or something. Nah, Quill goes back quickly to grab his tunes, and it’s all good, you know? So they’re going to this super dodgy planet Knowhere, and it’s like a plan to get them crazy rich, which I admire. I love a moneymaking scheme, like, me and my buddies started a business not too long ago and it was real prosperous you know? But we were dealing with this crazy freaky ghost who could walk through walls and stuff. Foruntately we had our buddy Scotty though, ‘cos that could have gone pretty South, you know?

So they get to Knowhere, and it’s like, crazy weird, and it’s got Aliens and Gambling, all that stuff, like, it’s the kind of place my cousin Ernesto hangs out in his free time, you know? So Quill and the green chick almost get together, but she goes, “no way bro, get out of town,” and Quill’s like, “aw Man”. Drax the racoon type and the crazy freaky tree get into like, this bar brawl, and Drax gets so mad that he calls Ronan ‘cos he’s like “yo, we’re no closer to killing the dude who messed my family up, and that’s like, counterproductive, you know?” So the other guys go see this creepy Collector, who’s this Benicio Del Toro type, and he’s like, “man, I’m so damn weird. Show me the stone you guys.” So they get it out, and open it up, and he like, dumps a load of exposition and stuff on it. But his pink slave, she’s like, “I’m gonna touch it, stop me, I dare you.” So the Collector’s collection explodes, and it’s crazy fortunate nobody dies. Like, it’s super convenient to the plot and all that.

But they’ve got bigger issues to contend with, ‘cos that crazy wrestler guy Drax has summoned Ronan, and he takes him head on, and he gets real messed up. So they get chased off the planet in these crazy spaceships, but the green chick’s sister, this bald blue girl Nebula, she blasts her ‘sis into space, and Ronan, damn it, he gets the orb, and everyone’s like, super bummed about it, you know? So Quill’s like, “yo, I can’t let her die in space, that’s not cool.” So he sends his coordinates to Papa Smurf, and he gives his mask to the green chick. Damn, that’s like, heroic. More heroic than the time my mama rescued our cat from up a tree. She was like, one of those Super mums, you know? Crazy times, crazy. Alright, back on track, no doubt, got it, let’s keep going.

So Papa Smurf picks them up, and he’s speaking to Quill like, “boy, you betrayed me, and I’m like, gonna kill you with my magic arrow and stuff”. But the green chick convinces him otherwise, and that they gotta stop Ronan. So they create this awesome plan, and there’s this touching scene where they all stand up and are like, “we’re the Guardians y’all, let’s like, stop Ronan or something”. So the Ravagers plan to take out Ronan before he can make it to the surface and destroy Xandar.

So there’s this crazy battle. They attack Ronan’s ship, and then the Nova Core are like, ‘sup, we’re here.” But Ronan uses the orb to destroy them all, and there’s this crazy death rate, like, it might as well be some plague or something. There’s so much going on: the Guardians fight their way through to Ronan, but damn, they can’t kill him with their super special gun that can blow up ships and stuff. Some evil dudes start dive-bombing the city, and Papa Smurf whistles using his magic arrow to mow some of their buddies down like they’re Stormtroopers or something *you know like in Star Wars. They’re like, unbelievably terrible, you know?. It’s crazy. Eventually, the racoon type crashes through Ronan’s ship’s Window, and it starts falling to the ground. Why do I feel like there’s something real sad approaching. Aw no, don’t-

So the crazy freaky tree, he like, protects his fellow Guardians, and the racoon’s like, “yo man, why are you doing this, it’s like, super dangerous for you to go all Mr Fantastic on us like this, know what I’m saying?” But the crazy freaky tree just goes “We. Are Groot.” And it’s super emotional, like, I know I cry easily, like in Frozen where the little Snowman’s about to melt and stuff, but damn, I’m crying waterfalls, you know?

So on the ground, Ronan steps out from his ruined ship, and he’s like, “prepare to die you guys!” It’s like, real tense, but then Quill sings, “ooh child, let’s have a dance off bro”, and it’s real distracting, so much so that they shoot the orb out of Ronan’s crazy powerful hammer, like the one that Norse God dude has who shoots lightning and stuff. So Quill catches it, and they all sort of hold hands, and it’s all kind of vague as to why they don’t all just die, but that’ll be resolved in like, a sequel maybe. They blast Ronan with the colour purple, and he’s like, “nooooo!” And they’re like, “yeess!” So that all goes well, they save the planet, and they troll Papa Smurf with one of those freaky little, like, troll things, you know what I mean? They get a new ship, a little tiny freaky tree grows from the remains of the huge freaky tree, and all’s good, you know?

Thanks for reading the return of Luis Summaries! I was inspired to do this film for several reasons: Guardians is my favourite MCU franchise, I recently went to an IMAX 3D showing of the first movie for the MCU 10th Anniversary Festival (along with Winter Soldier), and basically because it’s crazy stupid fine! A like/follow/share would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, I bid you adieu! 🙂