Washington D.C.—

Earlier today, President Donald Trump reportedly told Chief of Staff John Kelly that his position in government had become compromised by personal scandal and a lapse in professional conduct.

It is also being reported that Mr. Trump said this to Mr. Kelly without any apparent recognition of the immense irony and hypocrisy of that statement.

“The President told John Kelly that the Rob Porter affair has just become too big a distraction for the Administration,” explained a White House aide, under call for anonymity to discuss such sensitive and timely internal matters on the phone. “And he said that the American people deserve a competent public bureaucracy that flies under the radar without delving into the muck of partisan machinations or celebrity, so it was time for Mr. Kelly to retire so that the team could go on serving America with confident and unwavering conscience.”

The White House aide, then burst out laughing.

“You gotta be freaking kidding me, right?” the aide continued. “Trump had a straight face, and no idea how ironic that statement was. So hypocritical. Everything Trump touches goes immediately to Constitutional crisis. This guy doesn’t have a conscience whatsoever, and it’s because he’s too stupid and narcissistic to pay attention to anything in detail. The guy leads the most Socratically unexamined life in the history of mankind. No one in the White House can believe Trump said that. I don’t know how John Kelly didn’t laugh at Trump’s charade of personal superiority. The guy literally has no idea the depth with which half this country hates him, and has no idea the brainlessness that is necessary for the other half to think he’s an appropriate choice of a person to be president. Like, literally the only reason I am still working in the White House is because I’m not 100% confident everyone in here would tackle Trump and physically block him from nuking North Korea or some other country, and so I’m struggling through in a morally reprehensible administration to be that person.”

(Picture courtesy of the Office of Public Affairs.)

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