In keeping with the kind of week I’ve been having, I present to you the Eviscerati Coffee Consumption Scale, or ECCS. ECCS is designed to measure critical levels of coffee consumption, which in turn is used to evaluate other environmental conditions which may be influencing said levels of coffee consumption.

ECCS Levels are described below. Check with your employer to determine if your company is adequately prepared to respond to these scenarios:

ECCS Level 1

Minor coffee event.

Minor coffee event. Caffeine consumption does not exceed any recognized warning thresholds. Standard cup and carafe sizes are sufficient to maintain standard operations.

ECCS Level 2

Coffee event.

Coffee event. Elevated caffeine consumption noted. Does not exceed any recognized warning thresholds. Increased supplies necessary to maintain productivity levels.

ECCS Level 3

Significant coffee event.

Significant coffee event. Caffeine consumption approaching warning levels. Do not approach during actual consumption. Warning: individuals consuming coffee at these levels may be involved in the arts or in the IT field. Caffeine levels may indicate critical deadlines. Loss of supplies during a Level 3 event may result in hostility and unreasonable behavior.

ECCS Level 4

Hazardous coffee event.

Hazardous coffee event. Caffeine consumption has exceeded all internationally recognized warning thresholds. All non-coffee-drinking personnel should immediately evacuate the premises in accordance with standard disaster recovery plans. Immediately check coffee stores and be prepared to initiate emergency resupply procedures. Loss of supplies during a Level 4 event may result in structural damage to the facility.

ECCS Level 5

Critical coffee event.

Critical coffee event. OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

Today’s assessment is: ECCS Level 5