Am I the only one who loves this movie?

Am I the only one who loves Buzz Lightyear of Star Command? It started as a movie released in 2000, which then segued into a television show on the UPN (remember the good ol’ UPN?) and then on ABC. It played just about every day, netting a total of 65 episodes from August 2000 to January 2001. And then it just ended.

I remember watching the show with my sister and dad and all of us loving it. I decided to watch the first three episodes (which was released as a movie called Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins) again hoping it would hold up. And boy did it.

First of all, the movie starts with the toys in Andy’s room and they are trying to put in a VHS of the movie we are currently watching. Really the only ones with lines are Woody, Lightyear, and Rex. There are some from Hamm, who is usually voiced by Cliff Clavin from “Cheers!” but most of the lines were things that could have been in Toy Story. I looked it up later and it turns out the lines were brand new and voice acted by Andrew Stanton. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference.

Woody is voiced by Jim Hanks.

This is Jim Hanks. Freaky. Credit IMDb.

Tom Hanks was busy with Cast Away. But Jim sounded just like him. So after the strange opening of Rex freaking out about not getting the VHS of the movie to play what we are currently watching, the actual movie starts and we are introduced to Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

The film is hand drawn, which people actually criticized when it was released because they were expecting the computer animated Pixar look.

Lightyear, the LGM, and Darkmatter.

Buzz Lightyear and his partner Warp Darkmatter (a problematic name) save a group of Little Green Men (LGMs), those peaceful and innocent three-eyed stocky green aliens. They were being held by Evil Emperor Zurg, a scary possible-robot with static powers. His solders are robotic hornet men.

Evil Emperor Zurg.

Anyway, Zurg wants to know about the Uni-Mind, the mystical orb that connects all LGMs.

“Blast! Laser resistant diabonic alloy!” — Buzz Lightyear

Oh, and Darkmatter sacrifices himself to save Lightyear and the LGMs and Lightyear promises to never have a partner again.

Fast forward some amount of time and we find ourselves at what has to be the funnest cadet training academy ever.

Turns out it’s not just white men who can be Rangers, but all kinds of aliens, including Princess Mira Nova of Tangea, a blue-skinned, red-haired alien who can go through solid objects.

Princess Mira Nova, voiced by Nicole Sullivan.

“Of course! Tangean ghosting power. Excellent!” — Buzz Lightyear

Nova beats Level 10, a level Lightyear has never beaten. Lightyear’s captain wants him to train Nova but Lightyear refuses.

What the hell? Every single thing is ringing a bell but I DO NOT remember the red dinosaur janitor who is obsessed with ships. His name is Booster! And he’s Lightyear’s friend who he is trying to help get into Ranger school! None. Of. This. Rings. A. Bell.

Booster.

Back to Zurg. He’s back at his headquarters and he’s getting a new henchman who he names Agent Z. Gee, I wonder who it is.

“A delightful mix of man, machine, and a naughty touch of linden berry!” — Evil Emperor Zurg about Agent Z.

So the LGMs work for the Space Rangers as engineers? They unveil an emotionless robot ranger named XR who is squat and I could have sworn had a light bulb for a head but apparently he doesn’t.

Robot Ranger XR.

XR can be put back together again and has a learning chip and will gain skills as Lightyear trains him. Lightyear is all for this. He really is a good guy. He’s willing to have a robot be a better ranger than him if it means saving lives. Lightyear really is sincere and earnest.

The LGM get an antennae shiver and say in what is possibly the creepiest voice of all time, “His dark forces invade our home world!”

Okay, this is an emergency, right? Like you should hurry. Lightyear is all, “I’m on my way,” and then STOMPS OFF SLOWLY.

Zurg has invaded the LGM’s planet, which uses an alphabet with which I am not familiar. Zurg steals the Uni-Mind after an intense battle with Lightyear and XR against Agent Z.

The Uni-Mind.

I mean, every time Agent Z speaks, it’s obvious it’s Diedrich Bader. He always says the same last syllable of a sentence slightly deeper and for slightly longer than most people. He has a distinct voice.

Diedrich Bader. You know him. Credit IMDb.

XR got demolished but the LGMs can’t function without the Uni-Mind and can’t put him back together properly.

“What’s ah, this thing?” — LGM “An arm.” — Buzz Lightyear “Told ya.” — LGM to another LGM

Zurg has to get the Uni-Mind to work. He has brains with eyes in robot suits as his scientists. And there are talking grasshoppers who do the manual labor.

A Brain Pod. Might have been a person whose brain got put into a jar. Unclear, however.

Zurg turns the Uni-Mind evil just by touching it!

XR is different than before. He has an attitude, but like a harmless nebbish attitude. But he’s not a good ranger anymore so the LGM gave him to Booster who decides to use him as a floor waxer.

Oh wait, they know where Zurg’s planet is. Are the Space Rangers like the U.N.? Or like an army? Who runs the Space Rangers? It’s obviously a place of all species and where a freaking princess can join without hiding her identity. Or are Tangean princesses like the Saudi prince situation?

Anyway, Nova figured out a one-man ship could slip onto Zurg’s planet undetected and Lightyear is like, “I’ll go.” Which, I mean, he has a point. Just because Nova figured out how to sneak in doesn’t mean she gets to do it. I mean, she’s still a cadet. Think of the insurance issues. There’s no way she would be the one to do it. And it’s not a sexism issue. So Lightyear is not sexist. Although, he did call her “princess,” which again, she is a princess…

XR decides to show Booster the ship Lightyear uses.

Ah yes, the Zurgatronic Mega Ray with the Crystalic Fusion Cell. Basically what that does is magnifies the evil Uni-Mind and turns it into a weapon that Zurg can shoot at any planet to turn everyone into Zurg puppets.

The Zurgatronic Mega Ray with the Crystalic Fusion Cell.

It doesn’t work. Oh, the battery is upside down. True story, this moment on film, when I first saw it years ago, was how I learned how to put in batteries properly. So thank you, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

Nova steals the small, one-man ship.

“Tangean…brain…squeeze…” — Lightyear

Ew, XR is looking at a Victoria’s Circuits catalogue.

Lightyear takes his ship with XR and Booster stowed away to go get Nova.

Zurg tests his evil ray on the planet of the vegetarians and it works.

“Space. Duh.” — the text that tells us where we are in each scene

Lightyear gives chase and captures Nova’s ship. No hard feelings, thought. Lightyear would have done the same thing. They find Booster and XR.

Zurg targets Star Command!

Team Lightyear can’t raise Star Command on the radio so they go in. Everything is dark and empty. They get surrounded by their fellow rangers who are now all being controlled by Zurg!

Oooo, okay, big problem here. Can the Uni-Mind control bodies? And how is Zurg connected to the Uni-Mind? He just touched it and let go, how can he control the people through the Uni-Mind without at least being connected to it somehow?

Team Lightyear escapes but are confronted by a line of Rangers. Nova goes to blast them down but Lightyear stops her.

“Although currently possessed by the most powerful evil in the universe, they’re still our fellow Rangers.” — Lightyear to Nova

Booster’s time to shine! He uses XR as a floor waxer and bowls them over! In real life, Booster would have died. No doubt.

Team Lightyear steals a ship. Possessed rangers chase the ship in space suits and jetpacks and plant a bomb on the ship. Lightyear says, “Perfect,” and the ship blows up.

Lightyear explains via his mission log that they launched the small one-man ship, into which everyone is comically crammed into, at the exact moment the ship blew, hiding their escape.

Comical.

Team Lightyear sneak onto Zurg’s planet.

Lightyear wants them to take the ship and leave. Then there’s a long conversation about nose rings that really struck a cord with me.

“Because nose rings are for punks, little mister!” — Lightyear to XR

Lightyear orders them to leave. Lightyear stages a surprise attack but Agent Z intervenes and they fight. Agent Z reveals himself as Darkmatter (duh) and knocks out Lightyear.

“I…miss him very much. I…miss him very much.” — Lightyear’s eulogy on Darkmatter, on repeat.

Lightyear wakes up and him, Agent Z, and Zurg have a talk about morals and stuff.

Zurg is going to turn Lightyear evil!

Now, I expected the three to come and rescue Lightyear at that moment. Turns out, they actually did take the ship and leave. Lightyear calls them back by pretending he’s making a mission log but really he hit his radio.

“As I go to my doom, I pause to give tribute to three of the best and brightest to ever come out of Star Command.” — Lightyear “That’s me and two others!” — XR

Ha! Lightyear is trying to convince them to come back like they wouldn’t unless he apologized first. But maybe he’s apologizing for a different reason. Lightyear has to know it’s a suicide mission by now. There’s no way at least that Booster is going to get out alive. He’s a janitor with no special training except knowing all the rules and regulations. His big moment so far has been knocking over a group of possessed Rangers who didn’t shoot at him for some reason.

By calling them back and sacrificing Booster (and maybe all of them) to their deaths, Lightyear is no longer the purest goodness anymore. Booster is.

“And he ADMITS he needs us.” — Nova “Mega ray, mega ready!” — Brain pod

Booster can fly the ship? Wait, they freed Lightyear and Nova got the drop on Agent Z by hijacking a hornet man robot.

“Awww, stung by your own hornet, huh?” — Nova to Darkmatter, which sounds like it should be a saying, but still isn’t. “Target the planet of widows and orphans!” — Evil Emperor Zurg “You fiend!” — Lightyear

Literally so much is happening, except now Lightyear is shooting fruitlessly at the battery for an uncomfortable amount of time. Zurg shoots down Lightyear.

“Afraid of the dark, Zurg?” — Lightyear, after Zurg gave zero indication of being afraid of the dark.

Aww! They arrest them all together!

Oh no! Zurg escapes!

“Funny boy, we’re on the janitorial staff. You’re looking at a couple of risk-takers.” — XR to Agent Z.

Nova flies Lightyear to the Uni-Mind and he touches it, turning it gold colored again. But the evil is too strong and he can’t change it.

Holy shit! Nova just shoved him into the Uni-Mind! She straight up murdered him without a second’s thought!

Well, the Uni-Mind turned good and changed everyone good, including Zurg! Or wait…does it just take away the evil influence?

Lightyear isn’t coming out of the Uni-Mind. Nova goes in…she got him! He looks fine, actually. What’s the Uni-Mind made of?

All is right with the world. Awww, some of the LGM go all Lightyear occasionally. Again, very unsure how this Uni-Mind works. Are they one mind or do they have a mind link? My guess is mind link, so again, how do you control someone’s body via thought?

“So MANY character flaws!” — LGM to XR

Lightyear gives credit to everyone! He has to choose a partner. He chose Nova, obviously. Oh wait, he chose all of them. Team Lightyear!

Overall, I’d say —

Holy shit! There’s a poem at the end! There’s a poem at the end! Is that William Shatner?! Why?!!?

I was going to try to explain the end credits but I feel like you have to just watch. Start at 53 seconds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpYOaTQZopE

Entertainment Weekly gave it a D+ in 2000. I give it a A in 2018.