This was Donald Trump on Saturday, pumping up a stock market that’s dropping faster than Americans’ jaws every time his poor man’s Mayor McCheese head shows up on their teevee screens:

x BIGGEST STOCK MARKET RISE IN HISTORY YESTERDAY! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 14, 2020

That tweet came following the market action on Friday, when the Dow soared 1,985 points.

Well, after a weekend during which it became blindingly obvious that key elements of Trump’s coronavirus mitigation strategy are essentially vaporware, here’s what happened today:

D’oh!

In case you’re keeping score, that’s the Dow’s worst percentage drop since 1987 and its worst total point drop ever.

I’d say buy the “dip,” but Trump ran his public company into the ground a long time ago.

Of course, if you bought stocks based on Donald Trump’s rhapsodic hee-hawing, well, you have only yourself to blame. Maybe one day you’ll learn that this turd is only in it for himself. Is he deliberately manipulating the market in order to personally benefit? Frankly, I’d be really surprised if he isn’t.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.