PITTSBURGH—Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate. “Our findings indicate that, far more than physical appearance, wealth, or education level, not being a total dipshit is the single most desirable trait for attracting a romantic partner,” read the study in part, adding that the data demonstrated a robust correlation between behaving like something other than an absolute dumbass and being viewed as a worthy companion. “Nearly all of our experiment’s participants reported stronger feelings of attachment toward persons who did not conduct themselves like they were too goddamn stupid to function even one day in society, ranking them significantly higher than those who seemed incapable of acting like anything but completely nonsensical fuckwits.” Although the study couldn’t definitively determine the reasons behind this phenomenon, it speculated that it might be the result of an evolutionary imperative driving people to not want offspring with shit-for-brains genes.

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