WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses, a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years. “Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy’s rooftop are now, on average, living 0.3 years longer than past generations,” said lead researcher Nancy Remis, explaining that regardless of race, gender, or geographic location, more absolute kings who go out in a blaze of glory while drunkenly attempting to clear a rocky gulch on a motorcycle are often living 14 weeks longer than previous hardcore motherfuckers. “The total fucking legends who are saying adios to this world after going 130 mph while drag racing in their dad’s Acura on a slick country road are surviving just past their 18th birthday, thanks to improved medical care and faster resuscitation attempts. This is an excellent sign for all the heroes out there planning on surfing during a hurricane or playing chicken with a high-speed train.” The report also revealed the average life expectancy of boring-ass losers, who just do what they told, remained steady at 78.6 years.

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