I like mayonnaise. A lot. For some reason most people find it odd that I really like mayonnaise, and that I can eat it with pretty much anything, and I mean anything. Maybe mixing it with vodka was a step too far, but that is never happening again. Another reason people seem to find my mayo ‘addiction’ odd is the fact that I am very picky when it comes to mayonnaise. I find a lot of brands much too acidic and vinegary, but not Hellmann’s. Hellmann’s mayonnaise is perfect. And I mean Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise, none of that light shit.

Anyway, as a vegetarian who has thought about going vegan on several occasions, I was extremely excited when I saw the announcement for Hellmann’s vegan mayonnaise. That was probably about two months ago. Since then I’ve looked for the white elixir every time that I’ve gone shopping, mostly to no avail. That was until last week, when it was finally there. Now that I’ve got it a fundamental question needs to be answered: was it worth the wait? This question can be divided into two separate questions, those being: ‘Is vegan mayo as good as the original?’ and ‘Is it worth three times as much as normal mayonnaise?’.

In order to answer these questions I am going to carry out three tests. Firstly, I am going to use vegan mayo in a sandwich with Quorn chicken. This is something that I eat anyway, so I know how it normally would taste. Secondly, I am going to dip potato waffles in it. I would buy chips, but I am not willing to spend that much on a blog post that like ten people will read. Finally, I am going to dip shitty frozen pizza into it.

The Sandwich Test

This test involved making a sandwich containing Quorn chicken-free vegan slices folded in half. I used mayonnaise as a substitute for butter, and also used it to keep the slices folded in half. It’s probably important to note that I used tiger bread instead of the bread that I usually have, which may have somewhat affected the taste of the sandwich. I also did a second test, where I added cheddar cheese to the sandwich.

In this test I found that vegan mayonnaise tastes much more like real mayonnaise than I had thought it would. It’s kind of hard to tell the difference between the two; someone who’s less obsessed with it would have no idea that it’s not real mayonnaise. But I am that obsessed. I found that it tastes slightly less strong than real mayonnaise does, and for me that was a problem. Vegan quorn slices don’t particularly have a strong flavour and without the strong taste of the mayonnaise the sandwich didn’t taste of much. Much like its flavour, vegan mayo has a slightly weaker smell than regular mayo.

The Waffle Test

In this test I dipped potato waffles and cauliflower cheese bakes in vegan mayo. I also had Heinz baked beans with this meal. Usually the bean juice and the mayo mix quite nicely. Unlike in the previous test, here I found that vegan mayo tastes worse than regular mayo. It is very difficult to describe how it’s worse, but it definitely was worse. It doesn’t mix well with the bean juice at all. There isn’t a whole lot to say about this test, except fot the fact that I was disappointed.

The Pizza Test

I really splashed out for this one. This test involved dipping slices of £1.60 four-cheese pizza from Sainsbury’s in the vegan mayo. Once again, I found that vegan mayo has a weaker taste than regular mayo, which was less of a problem here as pizza has flavour(even if it is hella cheap). Even though it has a less pronounced flavour vegan mayo is much more acidic than regular Hellmanns mayo. This is a huge problem for me as the reason why I like Hellmanns over other brands is that it doesn’t have this strong flavour.

During this test I noticed an interesting difference between regular and vegan mayo. I didn’t have time to wash up after dinner, so the spoon with mayo on it got left out. When regular mayo gets left out on a spoon or a plate for more than a few hours it changes colour and texture, and sort of turns yellowy and gel-like. Vegan mayo does not do this, in any way at all. It didn’t change at all, even though I accidentally left the spoon out for like 20 hours. I have no idea why this is different. Maybe it the lack of egg in vegan mayo?

Conclusions

Hellmann’s vegan mayo is not as good as it’s regular counterpart. It lacks the flavour of regular mayo and has the vinegary taste of other, lesser mayos. If you are veggie or anything other than vegan, don’t waste your money on this shit. You could buy a lot of good, regular Hellmann’s mayo for the same price. If you are a vegan and you like mayo then this is quite a good substitute for the real thing.

This post was entirely intended to be stupid. I’ve been writing quite a few essays recently, and writing a silly pseudo-essay about fucking vegan mayonnaise is quite cathartic. If you enjoy reading my stupid posts, please consider sharing them and following my blog!