Alright, is that West Ham? How’s it going? Still won the World Cup? Tremendous stuff. Anyway, we’ve heard you’ve had a little managerial trouble of late. Big Slaven Bilic not doing the business anymore? He doesn’t really get it, does he? Y’know not playing the West Ham way and all that. I know, it’s hard, I know.

We’ve also heard a terrible rumour that you’ve had a full frontal lobotomy and decided to give David Moyes the manager’s job. Just so we’re clear, this is the same David Moyes of Everton circa 2004 fame, right? The one who got the Manchester United job and then proceeded to tell multiple Premier League and European Cup winners Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic to play more like Phil Jagielka?

Oh it is? Oh boy. Well, they do say that it is the darkest just before the dawn.

Who are we? Oh, nobody really, just little old Sunderland. You may remember us, we used to be in the Premier League a couple of seasons back, you know beating Newcastle all those times and surviving by the skin of our teeth every year. Yeh, you’re right, it is really cold at the Stadium of Light.

Anyway, we’re currently at the bottom of the Championship (the one below the Premier League) and somewhat resemble the North Haverbrook Monorail. We haven’t won at home since December 2016, we’ve only won three league games in 2017 and we are also the last team David Moyes has managed.

Over the coming days, you’re going to be hearing some crazy theories that Moyes has a good track record at rescuing and stabilising failing clubs. You’ll hear the wonders he worked at Everton on such a tight budget and how any manager would find it hard to manage Sunderland. The majority of these platitudes will come from Moyes himself.

Now, in our little corner of north eastern England (it’s near Scotland) we tend not to really have our voices heard down in That London, so I thought I’d enlighten you about the job messr Moyes did here. Just to, y’know, dispel a few of those pesky statements that have been doing the rounds.

*deep breath*

David Moyes is a f**king managerial charlatan.

His time at the Stadium of Light was a total and unmitigated disaster and, whatever he or any of his cronies in the media would like you to believe, he was largely to blame for it all. He inherited a solid squad high from achieving survival after losing but one game in 11. A team that only needed a few minor tweaks in order to make it competitive for the forthcoming Premier League campaign.

Yet, from the moment he stepped through the doors of the Stadium of Light he showed an utter contempt for our club. He projected a disgusting level of arrogance towards supporters who he felt should be grateful that one of the Premier League’s greatest ever managers (despite having won precisely nothing) should be here.

He conceded that he wouldn’t have been able to replicate the job of Sam Allardyce in the previous campaign and within two games - narrow defeats against Pep Guardiola's Manchester City and newly-promoted Middlesbrough - asserted that we were in a relegation fight. He would routinely bemoan a lack of funds despite spunking over £30 million in the transfer window.

Speaking of his transfer acumen, if you like witnessing a parade of Everton’s 2009 squad, you are going to bloody love David Moyes. Steven Pienaar, Victor Anichebe, Darron Gibson, Bryan Oviedo and Joleon Lescott all rocked up on Wearside - Lescott was given a mammoth contract and played a grand total of 60 minutes.

He alienated talented - albeit inconsistent - players such as Jeremain Lens and Wahbi Khazri while incessantly playing a woefully out of form Adnan Januzaj. And that’s before we even get onto his style of football.

Now I know, you West Ham fans like your free-flowing attacking football but how about lumping the ball aimlessly up to a minuscule striker constantly? Javier Hernandez sounds like he’ll fit the bill. How about players entering the field with literally no idea how we’re going to play, defenders looking like they’ve just bumped into each other that morning or, or how about, and this was my personal favourite, three right backs on the pitch AT THE SAME TIME?

Even when Moyes managed to stumble upon a 3-5-2 formation that earned a creditable goalless draw against Tottenham and then a 4-0 rout of Crystal Palace, it was abandoned after going a goal down against Southampton - we didn’t score again for seven matches.

I could write a thesis on Moyes’ utterly disastrous time here, but here are a few key highlights:

Threatening to slap a female reporter after she suggested he was doing a pretty rubbish job.

Failing to win a league game until November - the first win coming when he was in the stands serving a touchline ban.

Continuing to use the same “left-wing target man” formation that brought consecutive wins despite losing Victor Anichebe - the only burly striker on the clubs books.

Dropping Didier Ndong as we needed some “Britishness” in the middle of the park, and subsequently replacing him with Irishman Darron Gibson.

Stating that there was no point of signing anyone in the January transfer window as they’d not improve the squad, and then subsequently bringing in three former Everton players.

Failing to bring in a much-needed striker in the January window after going all-in with a failed pursuit for Leonardo Ulloa.

Bringing John O’Shea on to secure a FA Cup 3rd round replay against Burnley, which we then lost.

Insisting that the only reason fans were leaving early was because there was only one road away from the stadium.

Refusing to catch a football near his technical area because he knew he’d get booed from the home support.

Agreeing to take part in the absolute farce that was John Terry’s embarrassing Chelsea send-off in a game we would go on to lose 5-1.

Refusing to take even the slightest modicum of blame for our torturous relegation.

Having the gall to wait until the final day of the season to get his sorry arse out of our club.

More importantly, and personally, watching David Moyes run my football club into the ground made me fall out of love with the game. It made me hate my own football team, it made me hate going to the matches and it has contributed to putting this once great club on the precipice of the abyss.

So, no Danny Murphy, David Moyes won’t make West Ham hard to beat. No, The Sun, David Moyes isn’t “exactly what West Ham need right now” and no, pretty much every other news outlet over the past few days - David Moyes was not hard done to at Sunderland.

He was (and is) a complete loser, and the fact that he has managed to waltz into another Premier League job shows how much of an Old Boys Club this pathetic sport has turned into.

Anyway, good luck West Ham. You absolute fools.