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The 12th House is where you’re most hidden and, paradoxically, most vulnerable. This is the house of sacrifice, isolation and painful sensitivity. While any natal planet in this house experiences challenges, Venus (especially in a woman’s chart) triggers some difficult relationship patterns. However, these patterns can give you clues on how to deal with your 12th House Venus. While this natal placement can be troublesome in straight and queer relationships, this particular article will examine its impact on opposite sex relationships.

Natal Venus describes your values and your self-esteem; how you relate to others; how you give/receive love. If you’re a woman, Venus also represents how you express your female energy. When Venus is tucked away in the 12th House, establishing a committed relationship can be difficult. The yearning to partner up can shift from desperate to hopeless to ambivalent, as you are alternately depressed and philosophical about your chances of finding someone. Attracting men is not a problem, but the type of men you attract is a problem. Married men and guys who can’t/won’t commit seem to be magnetized to you. At the other end of the spectrum, there can be long periods of celibacy. The committed relationship becomes a mythical shimmer, as vague as your 12th House energies.

Before I proceed any further, I want to point out that having a 12th House Venus does not guarantee the above scenarios. I know some 12th House Venus women who are happily involved in long-term, stable relationships. Mitigating factors seem to be Venus in an Earth sign, and aspects (hard or easy) to natal Saturn (in another part of the chart). The Earth energy grounds Venus and increases awareness of her energy, while Saturn creates boundaries. However, I firmly believe that you have the potential to create happiness in your love life if your 12th House Venus is in any sign, and aspecting any planets.

The Promise

If you have a 12th House Venus, you may be unaware of the impact you have on others. This has nothing to do with being dense or preoccupied, it’s simply a fact that this house is a blind spot. Those who have spent years tuning into their higher purpose and generally becoming intimate with their 12th House planets can still have moments when they are surprised by how this energy leaks out. 12th House Venus can be just as magnetic as any Scorpio-infused planet. It promises something enticing, and what that is, exactly, will vary according to the sign it’s in and the person attracted to it. Venus is atomized into a beguiling mist that suggests magic. To other people, everything seems possible with your 12th House Venus. Anything goes! Meanwhile, you have no idea that you’re catnip for those who would rather not deal with issues like stability, honesty and responsibility.

Fortunately, simply being aware of how you’re perceived can go a long way towards changing that perception. This doesn’t mean you need to shut down your sexuality. But you can move away from the Shadow side of this energy. Rather than playing the victim (I don’t know how/why I attract these a**holes) or the helpless romantic (I know he’s no good for me, but this feels bigger than both of us) you can take ownership of your Venus. Concentrate on the partner you want, and then accept no substitutes. Keep your kindness and sensitivity. But the minute you sense that a man fits the usual pattern (and if you’re honest, you know that your highly-tuned intuition picks up on this right away) practice compassionate release. Let him go and move on. You can be as gentle as you want, but the release must be absolute. The positive side of the 12th House is its capacity for endings that don’t involve emotional evisceration. Endings can be less traumatic, if you nip the situation in the bud. And then stick to your guns.

Boundaries and Sacrifice

This brings us to the issue of boundaries. You probably struggle with this, because the 12th House has no boundaries. Everything and nothing is acceptable, because everything and nothing is possible. You know this, and others are drawn to you because of this. This is why establishing boundaries is essential. When the next guy comes along, and he’s in a relationship/not ready to commit/an addict/a victim/a liar, just walk away. When you’re getting to know a potential partner, identify your values and make them crystal clear. You probably need significant quantities of alone time in order to recharge, so make this non-negotiable. 12th House Venus abhors black and white. You’re naturally inclined to allow relationships to hover in the grey zone, or allow people to infringe on what’s precious to you, because it’s “not that big a deal.” This matters, because where natal Venus is concerned, what you put out is what you get back. Continually dipping your toe in forbidden pools or compromising your values will poison your 12th House waters.

But won’t this emphasize your isolation? Maybe you settle, thinking that having some romantic attention is better than nothing at all. Know this: settling leads to nothing at all, because these “better than nothing” scenarios invariably dissolve. The key with the 12th House is understanding that sacrifice is involved. But it’s not the sacrifice of your self-love. What you are sacrificing are the negative habits that lead to negative relationships. You’re sacrificing the idea that it’s OK to settle for less. You’re sacrificing the draining associations and the semi-relationship with your married ex. You’re also sacrificing the concept that you’ll always be alone, or that you’re not worthy of a man’s full commitment. 12th House Venus can make it easy to slide along these paths of least resistance, and that’s what you need to give up.

Having said this, one of your more beautiful qualities is your ability to embrace the grey zone. Not all scenarios are cut-and-dried, and you sense the potential in everyone. Your love can be endless, and that’s not something that you should sacrifice. But you need to differentiate between relationships that bring you joy, and relationships that drain you. Draw the line between partners who respect you, and partners who victimize you. When it gets confusing, tune into how you feel.

Related: Your Ultimate Other: Romance and the 12th House

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