Why did my best friend dump me? How the end of a friendship is as painful as divorce

You’ve bought each other carefully ­chosen Christmas presents for decades, but this year there was no ­beautifully-wrapped gift from your best friend under your tree - and there was a gap on your mantelpiece where her witty card packed with best wishes would usually stand.

Experts claim that breaking up with a close friend can be as ­devastating as a divorce, but what should you do when your best friend suddenly decides to call time on your relationship?

It came as a complete shock when it happened to me. Three years ago, right out of the blue, one of my very best friends - someone I had been close to for more than 20 years - dumped me.

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Without any discussion or ­explanation, she suddenly cut off all contact, crossed me off her ­Christmas list and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.

One minute we were sharing ­gossip and meeting up for long, laughter-filled suppers - the next, my calls, texts and emails were all met with a stony silence.

We didn’t argue. I didn’t run off with her boyfriend or owe her money. She didn’t lose her address book or leave the country. In fact, there was absolutely no reason or warning - as far as I could see - that she would ‘ice’ me, as the relationship experts so aptly describe it.

But she did, brutally and ­suddenly - and it hurt. In fact, if I’m honest, now - almost three years later - it still hurts sometimes.

Recent research suggests many women find being dumped by a ­girlfriend more ­devastating than a divorce. I can sympathise.



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We women tend to share ­everything with our closest female friends: our hopes, secrets and insecurities - things we would never dream of ­discussing with our husbands or partners.

So when the person who knows you inside out turns their back on you, it feels like a stab through the heart.



Right up until my friend ­disappeared, I’d have said we were as close as sisters.

So what should you do when a good friend gives you the cold shoulder? Avoid knee-jerk reactions ‘Give yourself time to think about the situation clearly before you get upset or angry with her,’ says expert Irene Levine.

‘Ask yourself if you are upset because she has dumped you, and if this is a ­relationship really worth saving?” Apologise if necessary According to the experts, if you know you’ve done something wrong, you should apologise swiftly. If you leave it too long, her negative feelings about you are likely to amplify and become entrenched. Don’t try to be a mind-reader Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you know or understand your friend’s motives. You need to speak to her if you are to find out what is going on. And if she just does not want to know? ‘If you have begged and cajoled and she won’t be moved, you need to respect the boundaries she has set and move on. It may have less to do with you than other things going on in her life,’ says Levine. You will feel ­embarrassment, shock, anger and even grief at first - but the worst thing you can do is go around bad-mouthing your ex-friend. Levine advises talking the ­experience out with one friend or ­family member - and accepting you may never get an explanation. ‘It will take time - but remember, these kind of episodes happen to ­everybody,’ she adds. ‘Try not to brood. Keep yourself busy and you are likely to find that some of your ­“backseat” friends start to become more ­important in your life and fill the gaps.’ Look back and see what you got out of the friendship. There may be lots of ­positives you can take from having been her friend - or not. ‘Many women say they feel a sense of relief after being dumped,’ says Levine. ‘They realise the friendship was more taxing than it was worth. ‘Ending a friendship that isn’t ­working - even if it’s not you that ­finishes it - gives you more time for truly satisfying relationships.’

Although our lives had taken us in ­different directions since we shared a flat as students, we’d catch up whenever we could.

We knew each other so well, we could finish each other’s sentences and make each other laugh just by looking at one another in a certain way.

The last time I spoke to my friend, she was single and ­travelling the country as a ­costume designer for TV shows and films; I had settled down, had my first child and recently moved out of London.

So, yes, the gaps between ­seeing each other had naturally grown a little longer - but there was never any awkwardness when we met up.

Or so I thought.

Over the years, we had shared the most intimate events of our lives with each other.

She was one of the first people I called from the other side of the world when my father died suddenly of a heart attack while I was on holiday - and I was one of the few people she ­confided in when she lost a baby in tragic circumstances.

She had been at every ­birthday party I’d had for almost a ­quarter of a century, and I at hers.

At first, I was extremely ­concerned when I was unable to contact her. I was worried the work problems she had ­discussed with me in the last phone call we’d had might have tipped her into depression.

I left a series of messages on her voicemail, asking her if she was alright.

Finally, after several weeks, I received a curt email from her saying not to worry, she was fine. But when I tried to email back ... silence.

As the weeks dragged on and it became obvious she wanted nothing more to do with me, I would lie awake at night, going over everything I had said the last time we talked.

What on earth had I done to make her not want to be my friend any more? I sent ­Christmas cards and birthday cards, hoping she’d get back in touch, even ‘forgive me’ for whatever it was I may have done to upset her. Nothing.

Years have gone by. I now have two ­children and don’t have the time to dwell on what happened, but the effect of it has been deep.

After all, why am I ­writing about it now? And why have I been ­peeking at her Facebook profile this week? My mother shares her birthday - and then there was Christmas, when it’s always so tempting to try to get back in touch with old friends.

I can’t help but think of her now and again, and miss her. But I’ve given up chasing her - the rejection is too humiliating.

One consolation is that when I’ve talked to other female friends about my ­experience, many of them have ­similar tales to relate.

‘Women’s friendships can be very close and intense - so it can be as painful as breaking up with a partner when things go wrong,’ says clinical psychologist Irene S. Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: ­Surviving A Break Up With Your Best Friend.

‘Women also tend to see their ­friendships as a measure of their worth, so when a relationship with a close friend breaks up, not only will you feel hurt by the rejection, but you are also likely to feel a ­failure for not being able to ­maintain that ­friendship, she says.

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‘It’s painful and ­humiliating ­having to explain to people why you and your best friend no longer speak - especially if she dumped you.’

Susan Shapiro Barash, who ­interviewed more than 200 women of all ages and backgrounds for her book Toxic Friends - The Antidote For Women Stuck In ­Complicated ­Friendships, says the fact women share so many aspects of their lives with their friends also ­contributes to the pain they feel when those ­relationships break down.

‘Women love to introduce their friends to one another, go shopping together, join the same gym, attend the same book club, visit the same restaurants. If they have children, they probably do a lot of family things together, too.

‘Unfortunately, when things go wrong, all these ­complicated links and reminders can make a break-up all the harder,’ says Barash.

‘Your friends want to know what has happened. You have a ­wardrobe full of clothes your friend helped you choose, you can’t bear the idea of bumping into her at the gym and your children are asking when they’re next going to see her kids.’

But if our close female friendships are so important, why do they often end so suddenly and painfully?

‘Although your friend’s rejection may come as a complete surprise to you, undoubtedly she will have been considering getting out of the relationship for a very long time,’ says Levine.

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The romanticised notion of best friends forever really is a myth,’ she explains. ‘People change and it’s important to accept what worked for the two of you when you were at ­college or school is unlikely to suit when one of you becomes more career-orientated, settles into a steady relationship or has children.

‘If your individual circumstances or ambitions are now different to each other’s, she may feel she no longer has much in common with you.

‘Alternatively, there may be ­something fundamental about your relationship that she’s been unhappy with for a while and no longer feels she can tolerate. There could even be something serious going on in her life that she doesn’t feel she can share with you and wants to deal with ­without your help.

‘Or - if she’s seeking to reinvent ­herself - you could be too much of a reminder of the period of her life she wants to forget.’

Women tend to break things off in quite a swift and seemingly callous way, as they’re often very sure they want to call time on the ­friendship, says Barash, and don’t want to be dissuaded from their decision.

Best Friends Forever — ­Surviving A Break Up With Your Best Friend by Irene S. Levine (­Overlook Press, £10.20, from Amazon). Toxic Friends — The Antidote For Women Stuck In Complicated ­Friendships by Susan Shapiro ­Barash (St Martins Griffin, £8.43, from Amazon).

