Re:Enough is enough

Blakey (BlakeBelladonna92)

to me | 5:12 PM (6 hours ago)

The video was the highlight of my day, honestly. Between setting up appointments and getting some rejection letters, one of which, arrived literally an hour after I sent out the app. Like did you even read it? No, clearly you couldn't be assed right? I fucking hate that shit. If you don't want someone who meets every one of your stupid qualifications, especially if you don't even take the time to read my resume or the cover letter, and the work samples and just, ugh. Why even put the post up if you're not hiring Haven Analytics? And to add to that, I overslept despite crashing early last night. I was so tired I never even got to your sweet letter.

Okay you're not helping with the jealousy angle by showing me the beautiful landscape and telling me about how wonderful your adventures with her are. (Joking of course) I wouldn't mind it once our life is something close to stable-adjacent. Still I fully acknowledge the beauty of it. I'll send you our unusually clear sky, not that you've never seen it before, but who knows maybe you'll miss it. Not too tired of seeing my stupid face in selfies are you Yang?

On to the positives, today my therapy was early and gave me a perfect excuse to skip out on my progressively shittier job earlier. "Feel free to take (unpaid) time off" Yeah I feel totally loved Jaq. Well the session didn't make me feel better, but it gave me some stuff to think about. We're going to work on some CBT stuff, Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's a little less gentle, emotionally that is, but it'll help in the long wrong in the end.

So for my comfort food, I'm locking myself in the comic section of Powells. Don't laugh at me, or at least keep your laughing to an absolute minimum, but I've been burning through wlw manga like it's about to be burned by the catholic inquisition. It gives me warm feelings okay, and makes me feel less shitty about the wold so I'm going to destroy this pile I've managed to form on the floor over the next five hours and wait for more rejection letters.

In the meantime, It's moody Blake's Lecture hour.

I was thinking recently about the state of happiness, or more, how I was looking for it. My therapist mentioned that I was looking for happiness and that I was always going to disappointment. Not because you or I won't feel happiness, we will. But that by treating it like a state we can get to, like a job or a city we're chasing the holy grail while our camelot burns around us. She thinks we believe we can find happiness. We can't. We'll experience it sometimes, it'll wash you up like a sudden drizzle in summer, and sometimes it wont come for days while the forests start to light on fire and we need it so bad. As long as we expect not to just minimize pain and maximize pleasure, but instead find that enchanted place or people that ll make it perpetually fine, we will be angry and disappointed because we will fail. I don't want to be that kind of person.

The simple truth is, despite everything, I'm not having a good day, I "should" be happy (you're almost here!) but I'm not. I'm sitting here, feeling that sucking void in my chest of sadness, and I'm powerless to stop it. Despite having the components to happiness, I'm not even close, but thats right now. I know we won't be magically happy, I know whatever you found out there, it wasn't happiness, it was moments of happiness, and that's no less precious. I want to find more of those little moments, here, there, everywhere. With you especially.

You won't make me happy, I won't make you happy, but I think we can have a lot of happy moments. I'm excited in my moment of sadness for tomorrow, even if it's the day after. I think when I see you at my door, I think and hope that'll be one of those small temporary moments, I think I feel it inside bubbling up when I picture it. I'm sick, you're sick too, but I think it'll be enough. You're enough.

So whenever you're done, and get to stop to read this:

Welcome home. I love you.

Blake Belladonna

(458) 555-7929

Sent From: Portland Oregon

A/N: Well on record (it's Elfen of course) I've never started a novel and not finished it eventually except when people drop out, so even if I feel you on pretty much all your complaints and exhaustion, if you're in I'm in. It's time to wrap this up. Sorry to those that have been stuck waiting, I'm glad to get this out sooner rather than later.