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That Farm Bill not getting passed got you down? Were you relying on the very small amount allotted to you each month to help bridge the gap left by your three part time jobs you should be willing to kill yourself for in sacrifice to your Almighty Job Creator Boss? Don’t feel sad, Moocher McGee! The House Republicans are here to help you get by in life with a few thousand less calories a week. In fact, why even bother getting to a thousand a month. Space those babies out, and get into that bikini, Tommy! The House GOP got their heads together — necessary as part of engaging their shared cerebral cortex anyway — and they came up with five killer suggestions for you to get by with less food in your life.

And here they are now!

The House GOP’s 5 Ways To Get By With Less Food

#5. Exteme Makeover — Starvation Style

C’mon, so your cupboards will be a little bit more bare this winter. So your stomach might growl incessantly. Just think of all that weight you’re going to lose! Don’t think of this as Congress making a draconian cut to a benefit you need to survive while they eat, drink and get medical attention from the same taxpayers they claim they’re defending by starving you! Think of this as a government-sponsored Extreme Make Over! You’re going to look trim and svelte, or at the very least emaciated and weak. You’re welcome!

#4. Share Your Food With Your Pets!



Maybe instead of worrying about how to pay for your food and your dog’s food, just pool resources! After all, we Republicans have long-held the belief that Granny and Gramps could do jus fine with a little less Social Security and a lot more Meow Mix. So why not get started now, while you’re still young? We don’t plan to have Social Security for you lot anyway, so the sooner you get used to the subtle dance that puppy chow does on your taste buds the better.

#3. Eat Your Pets!

So we know that as we further choke the life out of the middle class on our sycophantic crusade to rob our government of all its ability to help you that it may become impossible for you to even share your food with Fido. So you’re going to have to eat Fido. Sure, you could look at it negatively — like you’re eating a member of your own family — or you can be a RUGGED INDIVIDUALIST and kill your dog and eat it. Your choice, Commie.

#2. Do You Really Need TWO Kidneys?

Whenever we go out to our “official State dinners” (thanks for picking up the check by the way!), we see things like beef kidneys on the menu. Why not eat one of your own kidneys? Think about it! It’s right there in your own body, and all you need are some common, household surgical tools, a little gumption, a skillet and some butter and bam! You have yourself a lovely kidney dinner. Granted, you can’t really have this meal more than once, but you’ll never forget it.

#1. Honestly? Who Gives a Fuck? Pass the Gravy!

We got ours. Now go get yours.

What’s that? You don’t think it’s fair? You think it’s totally bogus hypocrisy that we’d vote out measures to feed the truly needy over some obsession with a clearly small minority of people who abuse the system while we dine out on your dollar? You think it’s a sham that we’d hurt real people while protecting the 100 billion dollars in corporate welfare we give out every year?

Then you should try to vote us out. But our old friends Gerry and Mander think you’ve got a long, uphill climb, Takers!