A long, long time ago, I got to blather for an hour or something on the Twisted Nether Blogcast. One of the many strange and disturbing topics I brought up was the sheer power that mages hold over all of the other, lesser mortals.

So, for all of you out there who aren’t up to snuff on the lore of Azeroth, here’s a new series of posts detailing the exploits of mages past.

Some of them are dead, some of them are alive. Some of them tried to destroy the world and everything in it, some of them tried to save the world. Some of them lived for centuries, some of them were time travelers.

In all cases, however, anyone who called them water vendors met with a rather sudden end.

Aegwynn, second last Guardian of Tirisfal

A quick history lesson. The Order of Tirisfal was an organization founded by both humans and high elves with the hope of creating ridiculously powerful mages to defend the world against demonic forces.

Apparently the Burning Legion has been attempting to destroy Azeroth for a very long time, and constantly fails like a Saturday morning cartoon villain.

Anyway, so the Order basically appointed an already powerful mage as a Guardian, and this Guardian was given all sorts of dandy powers and the gift of living for an extremely long time.

Aegwynn was trained (along with four other apprentices) by Scavell, the current Guardian. However, Aegwynn was a she. Sexism was a major factor, but Aegwynn managed to become the best in a girl power montage.

At the end of the movie, she became the new Guardian, and there was much applause and she got to date the hot guy she was lusting after the entire movie, roll credits, I hope you’re happy feminists because a happy ending was impossible without the hot guy.

Ack! Seriously, screw you Hollywood. Where do you get your writers? Pizza Hut?

Actually, that’s a slight on the writers at Pizza Hut. I’ve seen some truly genius bathroom graffiti.

But I digress. (See, I can start a paragraph without using the letter “A”).

So Aegwynn kicked some demons and stuff, and like everyone else famous, went to Northrend. There were some demons there hunting dragons, so she showed up and turned them into ash via lots and lots of fire. But then OH NOES Sargeras arrived somehow!

So she beat him into submission too. And then locked him up in a big old prison thingy near the Maelstrom.

Like many people who just defeated the most powerful evil being in the history of everything, she came down with a serious case of asshattery.

She felt she no longer had to pay attention to anyone else, and basically decided to do whatever the hell she wanted. So she kicked back, slept with pretty elf boys and went to all sorts of shady parties for the next 778 years.

Then she decided it was time to settle down, have a kid, and turn that kid into the next Guardian. She set her sights on Nielas Aran, the most powerful Conjuror on Azeroth (whom y’all probably know better as Shade of Aran).

Nielas Aran, upon hearing the news that Aegwynn had fallen in love with him, high fived himself and said “Score!” Upon discovering that Aegwynn only wanted to jump his arcane missile (if you catch my drift), his reaction did not change. In fact, there may have been several high fives.

So Aegwynn and Aran had some good times. She moved during his Flame Wreath, if you know what I mean.

Little baby Medivh was born a little later, Aegwynn transferred a bunch of her powers into the wee thing, then ditched him with his dad and rushed off back to Quel’Thalas or wherever and resumed snorting Arcane Powder.

The power inside Medivh was programmed to bloom when he reached physical maturity. However, when he reached this momentous occasion, it was just far too much for him to control properly, and it went everywhere, killing his dad and leaving him comatose.

Guys, if you’ve ever been embarrassed about being caught “reaching physical maturity”, you’ve got nothing on Medivh.

Twenty years later, Medivh awoke and promptly “assured” the clergy of Northshire that he was in full control of his powers. If you catch my drift.

Aegwynn, however, suspected something was up (nudge, nudge). Imagine her surprise when Medivh’s second act of consciousness was to travel to a swamp, make a giant portal, then summon a bajillion bloodthirsty orcs into Azeroth so they could kill stuff.

She tried to convince him to stop destroying the world, but SURPRISE TWIST it turns out he was Sargeras in disguise all along! Sargeras, apparently unwilling to slaughter old ladies, banished her from his sight.

In an effort to “spread” the “word” of Medivh’s “evil”, Aegwynn had an “audience” with King Llane. Llane “listened” gratefully. If you know what I mean (Llane was an excellent listener.)

So some stuff happened. Things died, stuff burned, and then Medivh died. I don’t know, a huge war was fought or something.

While alive, Medivh had stripped his mom (wink wink) of all of her powers, except the whole “immune to old age” thing. So she moved to Kalimdor, set up a house, a wee garden for wholesome food, and probably got some cats too.

She hatched a master plan to resurrect her son, as she was unsatisfied with only one attempt to end the world. It took her 21 years to save up the mana (she needed more spirit gear), but she finally managed to rez him. And then promptly went back to her garden and cats.

At least, until some flouncy chick named Jaina Proudmoore showed up and said the (now classic) porno introduction line “seen any thunder lizards around here?”

Some more stuff happened, there were demons and warlocks involved, and basically Jaina nearly died. Aegwynn, never one to miss an opportunity for innuendo, “supplemented” Jaina with her final resources of magic.

By all rights, this should have killed her. Instead she didn’t! Yay!

Anyway, she now serves as an advisor to Jaina Proudmoore in Theramoore, apparently content to tell no one that her crazy ass son is still out there.