Washington D.C.—

A brand new proposal by Republican Senator Alec Hutters of Louisiana calls for the US to spend $35 billion sending every teacher in the country through a Marine bootcamp this summer.

It would call for the addition of 100 new, Marine military bases so that each state obtains two expansive teacher training headquarters. Preliminary plans call for a training regimen for all the nation’s teachers during their summer break, and then teachers would retrain every three years on a staggered basis so that, every summer, one-third of the nation’s teachers get freshly re-certified in weapons training, marksmanship, hand-to-hand combat, knots, and the choice of one martial art, to choose between Karate, Taekwondo, and Judo. This may not be what 22-year-old girls signed up for when applied to schools to teach kindergarten classes, but America just has two many guns easily accessible to mentally ill people for them not to be forced through marine training.”

Hutters’ bill calls for an age range between 22 and 70, noting that teachers above the age of 70 might have trouble getting through the Marines’ obstacle courses. However, senior-citizen teachers would be shepherded through a week-long bomb-defusing training course, and would be issued suicide bomb vests in order to do their part in helping stop any would-be school shooters. The elderly obviously are expected to sacrifice their lives for younger teachers to survive. And, of course, the students.”

The bill also calls for Congress to spend an additional $2 billion to train an army of attack dogs to employ at each and every school in America. Hutters conducted a press conference regarding the bill, and this was the part he said he was most excited about.

“The attacks dogs are going to do so much to keep our schools safe,” explained Hutters. “We will train these dogs to rip apart school shooters. When the principal calls a red alert over the school radio system, the principal would also pull a bright red lever that opens up the cage to the designated attack dog. Part of the bill stipulates that the dogs must be fed a little less than they want so that the dogs are habitually hungry and ready to tear apart shooters. Once released, the attack dogs would assess the situation in the school hallways, and plan an attack against the intruder. It’s likely that these conditions will lead to extra carnage, as I imagine dogs will be less able to responsibly assess the situation than trained cops and SWAT teams—and even professionals often have trouble accurately assessing crazy mass shooting situations—but it is every dog’s Second Amendment right to be turned into a killing machine. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again that it’s better for innocent school children to be ripped to shreds by confused, impulsive, hungry dogs than to let even one school shooter get away. My only regret is that dogs weren’t evolved to have opposable thumbs like humans to be able to wield semi-automatic assault rifles themselves.”

(Picture courtesy of the Texas Military Department.)

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