Legalisation of same-sex marriage will turn UK into one big sweaty bumchain, warn traditionalists

After equalities minister Lynne Featherstone said the government was entitled to introduce same-sex marriages, those opposed to the move have expressed concerns that they could end up married to a gaysexual by accident.

Without God-based guidelines setting out clear rules about marriage only being allowed between a man and a woman, traditionalists fear that the entire country will become one big throbbing orgy of same-sex depravity.

“Unless we keep things exactly as they are then it is only a matter of time before they become different,” insisted concerned traditionalist Colin Dawson.

“If the government introduces same-sex marriages how long will it be before I’m hanging out in gay bars entirely against my will?”

same-sex marriage

It’s not just men who have expressed concerns about exploring another man’s muscular frame in an entirely involuntary act of dripping homosexuality, with 42 year-old Miriam Foster expressing concerns about becoming embroiled in a steamy lesbian relationship.

“The thought of being finger-diddled by another woman or noshing off Barbara from the post office is something that fills me horror,” she revealed.

“If same-sex marriage is legalised then I could find myself Knee-deep in flange without any say in the matter.”

“If this goes ahead then I might end up viewing WI meetings as wall-to-wall clunge.”

“It’s just not on,” she gagged.