1. Arizona

Of course it's Arizona. The Grand Canyon State has always been famous for its giant holes, but only recently have they started standing up for themselves. And, fuck-a-doodle-doo, what a stand they're making: A shocking new law instructs beat cops to question anyone who seems illegal, implicitly threatening deportation if they can't produce proof of citizenship on the spot. Embattled Senator John McCain—tacking desperately ever-rightward, past Archie Bunker on his way to Nazi bunker—conjures images of a postapocalyptic wasteland overrun by drug cartels and illegal immigrants wreaking Frogger-style carnage on the highways. Meanwhile, some of his constituents, legions of leathery, orange-tinted whitefolk, exult in their state-sanctioned right to concealed weapons and unconcealed racism, and call for full militarization of their border. And we, of marginally-better non-Arizona America, second that call: Let's absofuckinglutely militarize the Arizona border. On all sides. No one gets in or out. And if we need their goddamned iced-tea that badly, shit, we'll slant-drill from Utah.