So this happened.

Roberto Daniel Arroyo spent three hours licking a doorbell — quite vigorously.

To put this in perspective, the total running time of The Godfather is two hours and 58 minutes long. That means if he was your roommate, he could leave the room right before you started it, give the doorbell the business, and come back after not just the final scene but after the full run of the credits — from Pacino to key grip and Technicolor copyright info — and say, “Damn, I missed the whole thing? The sacrifices I make for my forbidden love.”


The doorbell licking is clearly gross, but I have questions. I Googled “doorbell licking fetish” and now I hate myself, but I still have a few questions remaining. The most obvious one is, “My, God, why!?” But it dawns on me I really don’t want to know the answer.


A more practical question: How come the doorbell never rang? If you watch the video, you’ll find your fondness for humanity bleed out of you. But that’s not important right now. You’ll also see that he’s really giving that doorbell the business. You’d think he’d ring that bell at least a few times over three hours (speaking literally not figuratively). According to the story, the homeowners’ kids were inside. You’d think after three hours of hot doorbell action, one of the kids would have answered the door, or called their parents or the cops.

Also, I guess I understand why the ABC affiliate and the police describe Arroyo as a “prowler.” But I kind of feel like that word really doesn’t do justice to what he is or did. It reminds me a bit of a scene from one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons.