Well, that sucked.

Like, really fucking sucked.

But at least it’s over now. And I survived it, somehow.

I just wish I could say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be… but it totally was.

Just hearing about this Rubi girl was bad enough. But MEETING her… Ugh. Why the hell did I think that would be a good idea?!

I could feel her judging me the whole time. For supposedly being so “sweet” and “kind” as Erik made her out to be, she sure as hell didn’t smile much. I bet she was miserable to be here.

But why should she be?! SHE’S not the one who had to see her ex move on with someone else! SHE’S not the one whose son is being stolen from her by some stranger!

Shit. I’ve gotta calm down. I’ve been trying so damn hard to be good about this whole mess. But it’s still easy to slip, I guess. I’m just so angry. I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to learn to be okay with this.

But, I guess… maybe I don’t have to be?

That’s what Katie told me a few days ago. She says that I don’t have to feel comfortable with it, or feel like everything’s alright. “You’ll probably never feel okay with it,” she said. “And that’s fine.”

And that sounded great at first.

But then she kept talking.

I’m not sure if I can remember the exact quote, but it was something like “But whether it’s okay for you doesn’t mean shit, deaf girl” (that was a pretty good impression, right?). She said that what matters is that it’s okay for Phoenix.

And, well… duh! How the hell am I supposed to argue with THAT?!

The better question is, how can I be so sure this WILL be okay for him? I don’t know this woman. I have no idea what kind of influence she might be on my kid!

I knew I couldn’t figure it out alone. So after I talked to Katie, I finally caved and told Ivy about what was going on with Erik and this girlfriend of his. And at first, it was actually a lot easier to talk to her about it than I thought it’d be…

Until I fucked it all up, just like I always do.

I didn’t even think about what I was saying. I just kinda started venting to her, y’know? She’s so easy to talk to. I got sorta carried away.

And I realized way too late that complaining about what a terrible influence this “druggie bitch” is gonna be on my son probably wasn’t the best thing to say to her.

I’ve never seen Ivy so angry before. It was kind of scary, almost. I really, really hated seeing her like that. And knowing I’d been the one who caused it made it even worse.

I tried the best I could to apologize. She needed to know that I don’t see her like that. I never could. I’d trust her with Phoenix in a heartbeat.

Hell, she’s even gotten to see Phoenix a few times when he’s come to visit. And even in those few moments they’ve spent together, I can see how great Ivy would be with him.

I’ve even caught my mind wandering a few times when I’ve seen them together. Thinking about things I know I shouldn’t. Things that I know will never come true.

I didn’t tell her about any of that, of course. How could I?

But I did tell her I was sorry. And that I’d never think of her the way I think of Rubi.

I thought that’d be the end of it… but it wasn’t.

Instead of being happy about it, Ivy just looked even more upset when I told her. I can still remember the look on her face when she asked me — “Why not? What makes us so different?”

And you know what?

I didn’t have a good answer.

It was one of the most awkward conversations the two of us have ever had… But honestly, probably one of the most eye-opening too. What made Rubi any worse than Ivy was? What made her a danger to my son in a way Ivy wans’t?

That question haunted me for days, right up to this morning, when I sat across from Rubi for the first time.

And let me tell you, I hated her. I hated everything about her — her clothes, her hair, her face, her voice…

But I couldn’t even tell you why. I mean, there’s nothing really wrong with her, I guess.

This woman has two jobs. She supports herself. She didn’t come across as like, mean or anything. She seems pretty smart too, I guess.

Plus, Rubi’s been clean for almost three years… Longer than Erik has. And way longer than Ivy too. She doesn’t even drink alcohol anymore (and neither does Erik, apparently).

And as much as I hate to admit it… I just can’t believe he would let this woman near our son if she was dangerous. I know he wouldn’t.

The little speech she gave me felt kind of rehearsed. But honest too. And when I listened to it, it was hard not to believe that like… Maybe she isn’t really a monster. Maybe she’s not trying to replace me.

I had about a million petty, hypocritical, totally illogical reasons why she shouldn’t be near my son. But not a single reasonable one.

So I sucked it up and did the right thing. I lied.

I said it was fine for her to meet Phoenix. Be a part of his life. I told them I was okay with it.

I hated saying it. But I knew I had to. It was the right thing to do.

But damn. Doing the right thing can SERIOUSLY suck sometimes (Guess no one ever warns you about that, huh?).

It didn’t make me feel good or happy like it’s supposed to. It just made me feel like shit.

I’ve already lost Erik forever. And as stupid as it sounds, I can’t help but feel like I’m kind of losing Phoenix now too.

And he’s not the only one I’ll be losing soon.

Because things clearly don’t suck enough for me right now, Katie’s parole got approved yesterday. In less than three weeks, she’ll be gone.

And I know I should feel happy for her. And part of me kinda does, I guess? But mostly I just feel upset. Mad, sad… Maybe even a little jealous too. I know how awful that probably sounds, but with all this other shit going on right now, I just can’t help it.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do when she’s gone. Without her, Ivy’s gonna be the only one I have left around here… for now, at least.

But I’m so fucking good at pushing her away, just like I pushed everyone else. My Oma, my parents, Rylie and Devin, Erik, and now Phoenix too, I guess…

I was lucky enough to get some of them back. But not without changing things between us forever. Not without losing them first.

And how long will it be before I lose her too?