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Wet jeans, throwing up coffee, the anti-aging tease, normalizing normalization, the $100 call-in contest, kids at bars, Karl from “Who Are These Podcasts” gets Job Lynch Mobbed by “The Vanished” podcast, super cancer for the offended, The Rommel calls in, and getting a nice home for Hitomi Tanaka; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Get ready to slap your Sheilas, my Australian cunts, because Road Rage: Australia is finally here! This once-in-lifetime Dick Show event that’s sure to result in my banning from the Commonwealth, or my election as the new Prime Minister, is booked and loaded and ready to fuck spiders. In fact, the Sydney venue–which has been described as “noice” by a local–whatever that means, is already almost sold out, so make like the Crocodile Hunter and shove your finger in these tickets’ ass today!

MELBOURNE

The Eureka Hotel Richmond

4/12 – 7PM

BUY TICKETS SYDNEY

The Fuse Box

4/20 – 8PM

BUY TICKETS

But first…

Victimhood is a currency. It’s an abstraction of your value as a human being just like actual money. The more valuable the person, the more of a victim they have been, and vice versa. Take my wife, please! Or my Jesus Christ. It’s a currency; it’s a cryptocurrency being mined in real time that exists in a distributed Meat Net, but only while the system is running, and if that’s confusing to you, I have good news! A victimhood manager is waiting to take your call!

It’s like a money manager for retirement, except its for your victimhood. Now, I can’t stress enough how important it is to start saving and investing your victimhood early and planning for your victimhood retirement. As you get older, victimhood inflation kicks in and you’ll have no victim earning potential. I mean who cares about an 80-year-old woman getting Almost Raped? Haha! But seriously, the two most powerful forces in the universe are compound interest and the perception of victimization. Countries exist based purely on the later. And if you can combine them with the help of a qualified and FVIC-insured victimhood manager (guess what the “V” means), the world is your oyster!

Of course, you’ve got to be prepared for the obvious expenditures of victimhood in your life, just like buying a car or a house. These were major concerns with managing the money of the past: actual money. Thankfully, that filthy stuff is on its way out. A victimhood manager, on the other hand, will help you maximize the extremely rare and majorly traumatic events in your life like a natural disaster or the death of a loved one–maybe you hit the lottery and it’s by suicide or drug overdose because dealing with people is a lukewarm form of hell, am I right? Doesn’t matter. The important question is, do you have a plan to maximize the structure of your victimhood payments? These basic and guaranteed payments are, after all, the foundation of the victimhood economy.

But real transactions are such a small part of an economy.

What singular national tragedies, or historical ones? Surely you or someone you know was affected by one. What about impending feelings of dread and oppression? The more nebulous the better. That means they’re more real. Is an invisible and oppressive force keeping you down? Why aren’t you a famous millionaire? How many times have you been Almost Raped today? Are you sure? Count again. These are real. They affect you and a victimhood manager will help explain how. They’ll setup a budget to keep all the attention on you without losing the lion’s share of your victimhood in transactional costs and fees. After all, you don’t want your victimhood working for some nebulous cause or corporation. Your victimhood is about you.

Now, there may come a time when you want to liquidate your victimhood to start a small victim-business. Small isolated acts of victimization make up 99% of the American victim economy! In fact, without them, people would just stop caring all together. It’s your microaggressions that keep the victim economy moving. Maybe you’ve just had a stupid idea, and you want to use it to tell people how smart you are. Or maybe you’re just a fat slob. A victimhood manager will be there to help you get your small victim business off the ground. Who knows, maybe your little garage-based victim complex will be the next trans athlete movement! Anything can happen, remember the victim creedo:

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

As if the only inherently valuable ideas are the ones that seem completely fucking stupid.

Of course, like all investing, people will say that the safest strategy is to invest your victimhood in an identity-based index fund like being a woman or being a minority–or investing in male feminism. Being a victim is non-exclusionary! That it’s impossible to “beat the market”, and that simply scream “woman, woman, woman” or “minority gibberish” over and over will net greater returns in the end. While historically, this is accurate, it’s all up to your risk aversion. For example, are you willing to perpetrate a hate crime in order to enhance your victim portfolio? You’d be stupid not to, but again, a victimhood manager will help you understand the risks. Lucky for you, they’re talking directly to your subconscious every day through every form of media you consume. Go fuck yourself! And happy investing.

“NPC From UCB” by Ken Doll in Hide



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