If you’re interested in Japanese culture at all, you’ve probably figured out that a lot of the time, Japanese people don’t really say what they mean. Unlike direct and blunt American conversation, Japanese dialogues tend to consist of beating around the bush, where the person never quite feels right in saying exactly what they’re thinking.

However, there is an important, dominant feature to Japanese culture that, in my opinion, other countries could definitely use: humility. The concept of Japanese humility exists in practically every facet of the culture and language, such as the existence of formal speech for talking to superiors, giving compliments whenever one gets the chance, and conducting yourself appropriately in the homes of others. Here, I introduce the notion of compliment-giving and compliment-receiving.

Be forewarned: I will repeatedly refer to “our culture”; by this I mean that of the United States, or at least the part that I am exposed to. I will also use Japanese symbols, so if you can’t read them on your browser, you may want to look for a tutorial. There will be no romaji, since I see it as a crutch to learning the language in the first place; and quite honestly, it is hard for me to even look at now. Haha.

Compliments are likely given quite often in most cultures. In fact, many of the aspects of compliment-giving in Japan parallel those in America or other European countries. To get an idea of the differences, though, ask yourself what you do when someone gives you a compliment – for example, you’re told that your shoes are really nice or that your new haircut is totally awesome. If you’re like me, you were probably taught by your parents to smile and politely say “thank you”. Perhaps when you were younger, your smile was huge, and indicative of just how happy you were to receive the compliment. When you grew older, you may have thought to show your modesty by downplaying the compliment, or pushing it to the side, but this does not seem like a dominant feature of our culture. Japanese, however, turns this everyday happening almost into an art form (as it does with many of these kinds of “speech actions”).

Giving Compliments

When you want to give a compliment to someone, what you say will largely be dependent on the context of the situation. There are plenty of useful words to know, though, ranging from a simple “it is good” to “it really matches you”. Here are some of the most general terms you can use for a situation:

いい // A general catch-all word that should be familiar to all Japanese learners. If you do use this, though, it might come off as rather insincere – couldn’t you have come up with a more descriptive word? The time you’ll usually hear this is in the past tense, よかった, to compliment someone on something they did or had in the past.

かわいい // The word means “cute”, and can be used in virtually every way we use it in English – to compliment someone on their child, to compliment someone on what they’re wearing, etc. You’ll most likely hear this word referring to girls rather than boys, unless they are of a young age. You may also hear this when referring to something like a couple walking down the street.

かっこいい // Meaning “cool” or “awesome”, generally in a more masculine sense. Girls sometimes use this to refer to, like, hot guys, but guys use this a lot too when talking to their male friends. It can refer to pretty much anything, like someone’s new suit, new haircut, new car, or a cool TV show, a cool movie, or someone who’s acting really cool.

きまってる // This word essentially combines the meaning of “cool” and “fitting”. If someone got a new haircut and you wanted to not only mention that it was cool, but that it also kind of goes with the sort of person they are, you can use this word.

似合う（にあう） // A softer, more formal word than きまってる. It implies that, for example, someone’s clothes really “fit” them. Incidentally, this word is OK to use when talking to people of a higher status than you.

元気（げんき） // Energetic. Unlike occasions here in America, this is always a compliment.

やさしい // Nice, kind-hearted. Someone who goes out of their way for others, even if “going out of their way” means “following someone’s orders to”.

上手（じょうず） // Good at something – a language, drawing, snowboarding, whatever.

礼儀正しい（れいぎただしい） // Polite, well-behaved.

Diving a bit deeper, there are some modifiers that can add a little more spice to your sentence when sprinkled in.

本当に（ほんとうに） // Translates roughly to “really” or “truly”, used to emphasize that you really mean it!

とても // Translates roughly to “really” or “very”. Use it when just the adjective itself doesn’t cut it!

すごく // Pretty much the same as とても.

なかなか // This word is difficult to translate – use it when you’re saying something like “yeah, it’s pretty cool” or “it’s not bad”. It’s kind of casual.

よく // Used to describe when someone does something well, such as よく書きました. Can also be used with the potential form – よく描けました.

非常に（ひじょうに） // A good word to use when speaking more formally.

大変（たいへん） // Everyone is generally familiar with this word, but in a formal situation, it can be used to intensify the compliment.

The first three words can be spoken slowly and emphatically in order to further intensify the compliment. Since I don’t want to record my own voice, just think of it as ほん<pause>とうに, とっても, and すっごく.

Finally, here are a couple of words that may come in handy that I didn’t know about when I first heard them.

（お）行儀がいい（おぎょうぎがいい） // Good-mannered. You’ll hear this a lot when referring to children – or, perhaps, foreigners. 礼儀正しい is another version of this.

時間厳守（じかんげんしゅ） // Meaning “punctual”. I think it might be more acceptable to use this kind of word in Japan, or perhaps just if you’re a teacher. It definitely “works” better than over here. See: one of the best scenes in Alladin.

As a side note, please be careful not to be too complimentary, or you’ll run the risk of sounding like you’re overdoing it, or brown-nosing them (especially if they occupy some sort of higher social position). If it would be “too much” in our culture, it would probably be too much in theirs.

Receiving (or Refusing) Compliments

Weirdly enough, unlike in English, you probably don’t want to use ありがとうございます to respond to compliments. Its usage is rather complicated in this case. Formally, you can say どうもすいません; you can even just leave it at a simple そうですか (just as long as you use the correct intonation). However, there exists a myriad of ways in which you can respond to these compliments. For example, you can downplay it, doubt its sincerity, shift the credit, return it, and even flat-out deny it. For these, and more, there are a great many set phrases that will come in handy the next time you get into a conversation with a Japanese person.

1. Act as though you’re surprised and you never really thought about it…

…even though everyone knows you have. Pretending you’re surprised, and that it’s not really that important to you, is a great way to return a compliment and build up your ego at the same time! After you do so, the other person will most likely insist on the compliment, so you get to hear it again. Just be careful not to be too obvious about it. Here is a handy phrase:

え、本当にそう思われますか？ // Do you really think (that way/it is ~)?

The え on the beginning is great, and will probably rank you among the 上手 speakers of the language. It boosts the level of perceived surprise – you’re surprised that the person even thought to bring it up! The example sentence is using the keigo passive form of 思う, but it should be okay to replace that with simply 思いますか, or 思うのか if speaking to friends. In addition, you can substitute the word entirely for 見えます, if the person is talking about something visible, such as your new shirt or your cool hat.

2. Question their sincerity and refuse the compliment…

…even though you’re actually happy they even said it in the first place. This kind of modesty comes from blaming the other person for thinking too highly of you. Here are a few handy phrases:

たいしたことないですよ // It’s not a big deal, really. Referring to specific objects, like an essay or this blog post.

とんでもないですよ // It’s rather low on the scale of whatever you’re talking about; there are plenty of better examples. (Because I can’t translate this into a few words) This is going to refer to deeds or actions that you have performed, not a specific object.

そんなことはない // It’s not really that good/cute/cool/whatever.

どうでしょうね // Is that so? (ie. I want to sound modest, so I’m going to doubt the compliment in an obvious but respectful way)

まだまだですよ // I’ve still got a long way to go. This can be used when someone compliments you on your actions – especially if they use 上手.

Much of the time, you’ll see this combined with the next one…

3. Return the compliment…

…because hey, they were the one that put you in the spotlight in the first place. This can work anywhere, really – if someone compliments you on your firm grasp of the English language, you can emphasize that the other person’s is surely better. Replace that with shoes, ways of playing sports, or whatever, and you’ve got yourself a great tool to use in conversation.

A good way to do this is to place the person’s name first, and then follow it with だって, and then however they complimented you. My longtime friends and Japanese partners, Aさん and Bさん, will demonstrate this.

Aさん「あ、Ｂさん。最近の成績が本当によくなってきたね！」

Ｂさん「え、Ｂさんだって成績がいいじゃない。」

Note the parts of this conversation in boldface. First of all, Bさん uses the え at the beginning of the sentence to express his surprise at receiving a compliment from Aさん, even though he’s actually proud of his recent accomplishments. Second, he places the word だって in order to redirect the conversation to focus on the other person. Finally, he used the じゃない sentence ending to emphasize that it’s simply a matter of course that Aさん’s grades are better.

4. Shift the credit, or broaden the spectrum…

…in order to focus either on someone else’s positives, or your own negatives. For example, if someone were to tell you that you are good at cooking Japanese food, you could return it by saying something like まあ、日本料理だけだね。他の料理はダメだ. This way, you can sort of acknowledge that you may be good at what they said, but if you take it to a broader spectrum(all forms of cooking), then they’re wrong.

If you can shift the credit to someone else, then that is a good way to redirect the compliment. For example, if someone compliments you on your shoes, you can simply say that you got them as a gift from someone, and therefore their compliment should be directed to that person instead.

5. Accept it gratefully…

…if you can’t think of something else to say. Accepting the compliment generally depends on the social position of you and the person you’re talking to. For example, these phrases would work when talking to friends:

そう、よかった // Whew, that’s good, I was worried it was ダメ.

なかなかいいでしょう // Yes, it really is good, isn’t it?

However, if you were speaking to a superior of some sort, such as your boss or a senpai, you would use phrases something like the ones below:

そう言っていただけるとうれしいです。 // I am happy you said that.

In the end, if you don’t know what to say, just look a little flustered and say そうですか in a way that makes you seem surprised, but not too surprised.

One final thing to note is the Japanese insistence on… well, being persistent with their compliments. If you fail to redirect the topic the first time, they will restate their compliment. When this happens, you thank them. This is a case where you could use ありがとうございます. In fact, in some cases it makes a lot more sense not to actually thank them for the first compliment. Again, just think of what will make your inherent humility readily apparent to those you talk to. (Or your fake humility)

The Scope of Compliments and Receiving Them

Do you remember when you learned in class about the あげる, くれる, and もらう words, and how you are supposed to use different ones depending on the situation and who the “ingroup” and the “outgroup” is? Well, this applies to compliment-giving and receiving, too. When dealing with compliments, keep in mind that your family is definitely included in your “ingroup” – so any compliments given to you about someone else in your family are routinely turned down, deflected, or rejected. Yes, even if they are complimenting you on how well-behaved your son is:

Ｃちゃん「あら、あなたの息子は本当にお行儀がいいですね。」

Ｄちゃん「そんなことないですよ。本当はやんちゃです。」

As my colleagues Cちゃん and Dちゃん demonstrate, even when you receive a compliment about a family member, you turn it down. Of course, this is not out of a dislike for them – as it may be with an older (or younger) sibling – but rather out of a sense of humility. If this doesn’t demonstrate the concept of Japanese modesty… then, well, I’m not sure what does.

That is about it for compliment-giving and receiving. You may leave comments below. They can be constructive criticism if you want, or corrections, or even compliments – but be warned, if you try to compliment me, I will turn it down! This article is 本当にとんでもないことですよ。

This article is thanks to the efforts of the CARLA website and my Japanese professor. So really, direct any compliments towards them!

P.S. Cちゃん and Dちゃん are actually quite a bit older than me, but they insisted on being called ちゃん for the purposes of the above example. They don’t usually get much work around here, so I decided to oblige them. No feelings were hurt during the making of this article.