Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Baddest Man in the World, The Man of the Hour, the Tower of Power too Sweet to be Sour, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Friends, it’s one thing to watch a bad team you know is going to be bad. They lose, and you knew they were going to lose, and you go on with your day.

But this, this is different. These Raiders, we expect better from them. We expected a Super Bowl. We expected greatness. And they have delivered nothing but disappointment and ennui. And the Chefs are running away with the division. I feel like a Cowboys fan watching the Eagles.

And yet, the weeks keep dragging on, and the hardiest among us yet has hope in his heart and looks up to the heavens in expectation of some good fortune yet to come. With that in mind, I have once again summoned the Great Beyond to put an end to our miseries. What says he?

“You’re back! I figured you’d have stopped talking to me by now. Do you really want to know what I have to say? Well, who you got this week? The Dolphins? Well, hot shit. Let’s get it on.

Let me paint a picture for you, a vision of the future. The year is 2041. The machines have taken over. The singularity has arrived. Elon Musk has erected four towns on Mars and named them after himself. And Dolphins fans are telling everyone how this will be Ryan Tannehill’s breakout year.

2015 was supposed to be Ryan Tannehill’s breakout year. 2016 was supposed to be Ryan Tannehill’s breakout year. 2017 was supposed to be Ryan Tannehill’s breakout year, for real this time. In the end, the only thing that broke out was Ryan Tannehill’s knee.

It’s become increasingly clear that the only reason Miami took a wide receiver from Texas A&M and tried to pretend he was a quarterback is because Tannehill believes he is an actual dolphin:

Let’s take a look at some of Tannehill’s situational awareness:

This is a man who fails often, and fails spectacularly. And when he went down, the braintrust of the Miami Dolphins went out and got this man to replace him:

I’m sure that went very well, right?

The wonderful thing about the Cutler debacle in Miami is that very few people saw it. Miami was recently the location of a Zika virus epidemic caused by mosquitoes and degenerate sexual attitudes. They were forced to spray pesticide over the entire city. But they saved a ton of money by not spraying the football stadium, knowing nobody would ever be there.

As is Jay Cutler’s custom, he got injured, and Matt Moore came in as his replacement. Surely that went better than the Cutler Era, right?

NOPE

The Dolphins are always going on and on about being the only football team to go 17-0. But I ask you, what’s so great about having Dan Marino for 17 seasons and winning 0 Super Bowls?

Everything is in the 80s in Miami. The temperature, the people, and the last time the Dolphins were relevant.

And the last time they were on top was the 70s. The Dolphins coast on their success in the 70s more than Eric Clapton.

How is it the Dolphins still can’t replace Dan Marino with anyone competent? The best passer they’ve had in Miami for the last decade was Mario Chalmers.

Here are a few things that have happened since the last time the Dolphins won the Super Bowl:

The entire Star Wars franchise

The existence of the NBA three-point line

The Cubs, Red Sox, White Sox and Astros won the World Series

The entire history of hip-hop

The Florida Marlins were created and won two World Series

The Raiders moved twice and will move again

The Internet

The Miami Hurricanes have won five football national titles

Saturday Night Live

The Dolphins do have the unique honor of being the only team that owes most of its fanbase to Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

Scientists say that dolphins are the only animals, besides humans, who have sex for pleasure. But the Miami Dolphins only enjoy getting fucked by the Patriots.

There’s little reason to believe that the Raiders can win a game of any sort going forward. But there’s even less reason to think the Dolphins can. They just traded their best running back, Jay Ajayi, to the Eagles for three magic beans.

This is as good a time as any for the Raiders to get it together on offense and defense and feast on a team that’s reeling from a shutout loss.

Raiders win, 23-16.”