LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills to please my grandson,” before letting her nightgown slip languorously to the floor. “As queen, it is my responsibility to properly train you in the erotic duties expected of the Crown,” said the 91-year-old Queen Regnant, ushering her future granddaughter-in-law toward a luxurious canopy bed on which an assortment of feather ticklers, blindfolds, and other pleasure-enhancing items had been carefully arranged. “The fate of all England may someday hinge on you indulging the desires of your husband-to-be in a way befitting a prince; thus, I shall guide you through all the carnal wisdom of our regal forebears, every sensual escalation and lascivious technique known to arouse royal blood. The tantric secrets of Mary, Queen of Scots alone have the power to bring the most frigid of kings and consorts to a transport of ecstasy.” The Queen then reportedly began the process of confirming that Markle was indeed yet a virgin.

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