Fit it into your schedule

The No 1 tip from sex therapists and educators for couples who want to have more sex is to consciously make time for it – don’t leave it to chance. You wouldn’t leave going to the cinema with a friend to chance, says the psychosexual counsellor Nicola Buchanan. “You would plan and find what works for both of you. We need to put some time aside to reconnect and create the opportunity for sex.” Murray Blacket, another psychosexual therapist registered with the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT), suggests that couples with flexible working patterns could both choose the same day to work from home. “Cheeky, yes, but couples who work from home together by all accounts get up to no good together, too.”

Add some structure

Like scheduling, structure might not sound sexy, but it can be useful in making sure it happens. “Instead of leaving sex to the end of a very long day – after dinner, dog-walking, taking the bins out – make sex the first thing you do when you get in,” says Blacket. The “good old-fashioned Sunday morning lie-in” is another recurring window. “You wake up refreshed, rested, less stressed and next to someone you want to be next to. Don’t leap out of bed and go running or to the supermarket. Stay there. Snuggle. Something is likely to happen.” The sex writer and podcaster Kate Sloan suggests each writing a yes/no/maybe list of “sexy and kinky things you’d like to do, ones you would be willing to do and ones you absolutely do not want to do”. “When you compare lists, you’ll be able to see which activities you can explore together that you haven’t yet – and that will probably make you want to have more sex.”

Then some spontaneity

Blacket suggests a change of venue can encourage experimentation and enthusiasm. The bed and the bedroom can come to be associated with going through the motions. “So switch venues; the more spontaneous the better. Try the kitchen, the sofa, the shower, the car, the balcony – you get the idea.” Play is also important, says Cate Mackenzie, a COSRT-accredited counsellor. She recommends the self-described “erotic adventurer” Dr Betty Martin’s “wheel of consent” and three-minute massage game outlined on her website.

Identify your accelerator and your brake

It’s widely thought that each of us have a sex drive that may differ between individuals and at different times in life – but understanding the nuances of sexual desire can be transformative. The sex educator Eva Bloom says how easily we get turned on or off operates through two mechanisms: one an accelerant and one a brake. The sensitivity of each varies between individuals. “So, a strategy for having more sex is to find ways to turn on the gas pedal, and turn off the brakes.” That may involve asking your partner to wear a cologne or perfume you love, sexting during the day or watching sexy films together, as well as addressing anything that may trigger your brake, such bedroom clutter, nearby children or flatmates, or being in work or parenting modes.

Manage your expectations

Sloan says what we understand by the sex drive is typically “spontaneous desire”: “That random, out-of-the-blue, lightning bolt to the genitals.” But the other kind – “responsive desire”, brought on by sexual stimulation, where a person may not feel turned on until after some foreplay – can be overlooked. “Many people think they are broken if they no longer feel fiery, spontaneous desire for their partner when their desire may very well just be responsive,” says Sloan. “We need to recognise that not all sex is fantastic sex,” says the COSRT therapist Caroline Lovett. “Sometimes it is mediocre – just like we don’t have a gourmet meal every night and sometimes have beans on toast. But sex that’s just OK can sustain us and keep us connected.”