We are to issue free beanie hats to all so when in government we can ‘pull the wool over everyone’s eyes’.

Brexit

To provide a Strong & Stable Government we will relocate Parliament to the Tower of London.

France will be required to return Brittany.

All Europeans to pay to use the English Channel, and all Creme Anglais to be made in Britain.

Germany will have to pay for all treatment of German Measles, and Spain ditto for Spanish Flu.

Tactically we should start Brexit negotiations with a bluff induce, play for a freeze-out, refuse any rake-back and finish by buying the pot. (This will be achieved through an aggressive, sudden and massive bout of QE in the last week of the Brexit deal deadline.)

Taxation

Tax payers to receive Nectar Points from HMRC.

Nationalisation

The Loony Party will nationalise all other political parties . . . and when they don’t keep their manifesto promises they will be merged into Rainbow George’s ‘Rainbow Alliance’.

We will nationalise crime to make sure it doesn’t pay.

Religion

Atheism will be given charity status being a non-prophet organization. In the interests of health and safety all other theism’s will loose charity status and be regulated by their local authority.

Austerity

The alphabet will be reduced to 23 characters. This will start by cutting the letters N. H. and S.

Educational funding

All Schools would have a jumble sale, fête or other fundraising event at least twice a month to help raise funds for those little extras . . . such as desks, books, paper, pens etc.

Electoral Change

Voters will get a 30 day cooling off period, if you change your mind, didn’t like the result, or didn’t know what you were voting for, you can get your vote back.

Reduce the voting age to 16 (carried forward from our 1983 manicfesto) . . . (nicked by Labour)

Immigration policy

One in one out (carried forward from our 2015 manicfesto) . . . (nicked by UKIP)

Pensions or how to get the grey vote . . .

The Labour Party’s leadership are hoping to get one or two pensioners to vote for them so they have brought out a new policy guaranteeing the Triple lock on pensions until 2025 . . . The Loony party of course will go far better and will buy several very large padlocks and some very heavy chains.

Defense

We shall replace the Trident defence system with a tuning fork.

Economy & Pensions

We will further complicate the UK tax system so that everyone can find a loophole, not just multi-national companies.

Environment

We will change the English symbol of three lions to three badgers. How often do you see lions running round the countryside?

All food sold in fast food establishments should be clearly marked “may contain traces of real food”

Social Media

Social Media sites to be taken down annually for a ‘recall how to talk day’

Transport