Clothes horse Ralph Lauren present quite possibly the most horrific portrayal of one of our favourite things to do, Getintothis‘ Peter Guy is not impressed.

There’s few things we enjoy more at Getintothis HQ than bobbing into our record shop on lunch times to sift through the stock and see what delights will tempt us to part with our monies instead of buying a cruddy meal deal.

So it was much to our chagrin when we saw the latest Ralph Lauren advert reducing record shopping into some kind of hideous la-di-da jaunt that Katie Hopkins would enjoy while taking time out from patronising the working class.

There’s so much wrong with this promo it’s hard to know where to begin, but let’s have a jolly good go:

i) ‘Records & Goods‘ says the shop’s slogan. WRONG. No self-respecting record shop is called ‘Records & Goods‘ – you may as well called it ‘Vinyl & Things‘ or ‘Black Discs & Stuff‘ or ‘Crates & Biscuits‘.

In fact, ‘Crates & Biscuits‘ is quite a good name. In fact it’s hard to think of a more execrable name for a record shop than ‘RECORDS & GOODS’. How about ‘Ralph’s Records’? Yep, that’d get the wankers in.

ii) Before the record even hits the player, the first noise we hear is the clinking of china cups and some background chitter chatter – that’s because Ralph Lauren has never actually been to a record shop (where you only hear sneers and nondescript muttering). Instead he shops for music in a department store. Right next to the shitty cafe decked out in neutral colours serving Assam tea and avocado sandwiches.

iii) The second noise you hear is quaint, faux 1920’s Charleston-like jazz. Probably created on a Mac by a dude that runs a Costa coffeeshop. No one has ever, ever played this kind of dross in a record shop. They never will.

iv) This is brilliant… Cut to the records and they’re sectioned in what can only be described as the most preposterous pigeonholing known to man.

‘Field Recordings’, ‘Environvents [sic]Series’, ‘Avant Garde M-W’ and best of all (what appears to be) ‘Nurse With No Neck Brace’. Or something. Either the director is attempting to drop a not so subtle ‘the jokes on you, Ralph’ kinda Chris Morris aside. Or it merely reaffirms what a phoney crock of shit this entire concept is.

v) Cut to the central characters. And yep, our suspicions are confirmed, this is truly one of the nadirs in the history of advertising. Donald Draper would be apoplectic. Roger Sterling would be choking on his oysters. Peggy Olson would batter someone to death with her typewriter.

Ralph’s record buying public are revealed: Dickhead Trumpton, dressed up like a Troy-era Brad Pitt masquerading as the sixth member of Mumford, proudly shows off his record acquisition to Delores Crackhead, who stares and points like she’s accidentally adopted an African orphan.

The pair, resembling newly sworn in UKIP members, then proceed to proudly fawn over the slice of wax like a recently executed fox. ‘Isn’t it adorable, darling, it even has a little hole…’

He, of course, is using a safety pin to keep his tie in place. Because he’s punk. She, of course, sports a scruffy grunge scarf (which she never takes off on the dancefloor). Because she’s a punk. A pair of fucking punks who go record shopping in their lunchtime. He in his tweed pantaloons. Complete with friendship and festival wristbands plus coquettish girlfriend who can’t keep her hands off him. Especially when he’s perusing the latest compilation of Music To Go Deerhunting To in the Environvents Series. Whatever.

vi) There follows a sickening game of petting, necking, flirting and teasing as some operatic gack gushes through the mix in some kind of low-rent Italian tepid wank dribble. Presumably because they found a Japanese Import of Sigh No More before neatly seguing into some junk-shop rock & roll fodder as the camera pans over lots and lots of records. Just in case you’d forgotten you were in a record shop in the first place. As opposed to a public school porn shoot. With a mangled badger’s body just out of shot.

“The Polo women loves the mix of color and texture, old and new, romantic and bold. She creates her own personal style every day,” says Ralph. Absolute pony.

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