LYNCHBURG, VA—In an effort to quell backlash following allegations of ongoing malfeasance, Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. recounted Monday the story of Jesus Christ getting revenge on the apostle who ratted out his corruption schemes. “As people of faith, we all must remember the valuable lesson in the Gospel of Matthew where the apostle Philip thought he could stab Jesus in the back, but ended up paying dearly for double-crossing the Son of God,” said Falwell, adding that it was chapter four, verses 21 through 23, when Christ proclaimed that he would stop at nothing to get retribution on the rat fuck who broke ranks. “Every one of Christ’s true believers knew that the Lord works in mysterious ways and that it was incumbent upon them to give Him the benefit of the doubt and trust that He had everyone’s spiritual and financial interests in mind. Everyone knew this except for Philip, who thought he could sell Jesus down the river. But Christ found out, for he is all-seeing, all-knowing, and has ears everywhere.” At press time, Falwell ended his sermon by reminding his audience about the importance of keeping God’s 11th commandment, “Thou shalt not squeal.”

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