BERNICE TWISP | Entertainment| Contact

A recent study commissioned by a local online activism group has concluded that keeping galahs in a cage is only cruel if they can’t swear on demand for passing tourists or for the enjoyment of their owners.

Citizens United Now Together (CUNT) has studied the living conditions of seven local caged galahs and have found that the five that know how to say words like ‘shit’, ‘fuck’ and ‘Marxism’ are living much happier lives than their non-swearing cousins.

Max Dollarhyde, who has been the CUNT president for the past six weeks, said releasing the research paper has vindicated what he and his organisation have long suspected.

“Keeping majestic animals like galahs in cages is inhumane, cruel and disgusting,” he said.

“That’s unless they’re happy – and nothing brings joy into the heart of any Australian more so than a bird that can swear on demand,”

“There is simply nothing funnier. Galahs respond well to human laughter and it releases endorphins in their own brains. It’s clearly a win-win situation.”

Our reporter reached out to a local truck stop owner who has a caged swearing galah on the verandah, who says his bird draws tourists from far and wide.

Speaking freely with a longneck of homebrew to The Advocate this morning, Dennis Spearman said his galah, Dennis Jr, is very popular and he doesn’t feel caging him in cruel.

“You should hear some of the smut that the truckies have taught Dennis Jr,” he said.

“It’s enough to make Charlie Sheen’s toes curl, it is. I won’t repeat any of it now, though, but you get the idea.”

Dennis then coughed lightly and spat a lugey the size on an emu egg out on the bull dust, prompting our reporter to click her recorder off and terminate the interview.

More to come.