Illustration: Lu Ting/GT





After turning 24 earlier this year I moved to Shanghai and started my first job. It's been quiet overwhelming dealing with a new city and new career path all at once. So the absolute last thing I needed in my life right now was for my family to start introducing me to prospective husbands.

I realize that I'm not getting any younger and that becoming a "leftover woman" is a very real phenomenon in China, so in order to placate my relatives as well as reassure myself that I am still desirable, I recently agreed to go on some blind dates. My experience went like this:

Most of the men I met were found by my relatives. But before meeting a man, his and my parents would exchange our portraits in order to satisfy themselves that we weren't terribly ugly - not for our sake but for the look of their future grandchildren.

After that, our personal details were shared. This included our occupation and salary, education, if we own property and if either of us has a Shanghai hukou (residence). As you can see, this information is all rather materialistic and has little to do with our personalities. The blame for this rests primarily on the men's parents, most whom are seeking a relatively wealthy woman so as to reassure themselves that they won't be bringing a gold digger into their family.

But females' families are equally guilty of focusing primarily on men's financial status. They want a husband who can provide for his new wife AND for her relatives. I call it "social security with Chinese characteristics." Not owning an apartment or not having a high position in a company are all deal-breakers in the eyes of a woman's parents.

Okay, so after all the men were vetted by my family, it came time for me to actually meet them. The first date was arranged by my father through one of his old classmates. My father played up his Fudan University degree and position at a major Shanghai law firm. So far so good, I thought. But my first impression was "nerd": he wore black-framed glasses, was extremely shy and mostly looked out the window in uncomfortable silence. For two hours the only questions he asked were about my studies, my dissertation and books. He was smart and kind, but there was zero chemistry.

The second date was set up by my grandparents. The man's father runs several restaurants in my hometown, Hangzhou, so he turned out to be fatter and shorter than in his picture. He told me right away that he had no interesting in "dating" me and was only looking to quickly get married. He came across as a bit of a chauvinist, too. After I told him about my journalism career at the Global Times, he said he preferred a woman with a "flexible" job such as a teacher so that she can devote herself to raising a family and tending house. He also literally demanded that his wife give birth to a boy so he can have a "successor." He made me quite sick to my stomach and I will not be seeing him again.

The third and final date was with a man who told me straight off that he already has a girlfriend and that the only reason he was on this date was because his parents don't like her. I sympathized with him, actually, because Chinese parents are notorious for not trusting their children's instincts when seeking a spouse. Ironically, whenever a child listens to his parents and breaks up with a loved one for an arranged marriage, they usually end up unhappy or divorced.

Needless to say, I have nixed any further plans to attend blind dates arranged by my relatives. This is simply not how a healthy relationship or successful marriage starts. I refuse to trust any man who is willing to blindly enter matrimony with me just because I meet his parent's utilitarian checklist. That goes against the whole idea of love, tolerance and sacrifice: the true foundations of marriage.

On the contrary, I'd have more faith in a man who refuses to listen to his family in this regard. But no matter, because I have no interest in dating anyone right now, not even just for fun. I prefer to focus on my career and my own self-fulfillment. And if I wind up becoming a leftover woman because of this, then so be it.





The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Global Times.