General Authority Trading Cards 03/12/2006 - captions by substrate and The Walkin' Dude - graphics and additional captions by Cardinal Zelph

Traditionalists might call for baseball-style cards, with stats and a few factoids and quotes, but I'd go for Pokemon-style cards, where different GAs and different levels of the hierarchy have special powers. You could play some cool games matching, say, Dallin Oaks against Thomas Monson.

A few suggestions:

Comments Section

hahaahhahahahahahaha! I almost died laughing! thank-you! you guys are awesome!Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!! - 09/15/2014 - HeathenInsurgency

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Now to the makers of these cards, the only criticism I have is that they need an update. Monson is no longer next in line, he's at the top now. And I feel other apostles by now have earned a card like this for themselves.

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are not polygamous in the 21st century, nor are they openly racist in the 21st century, they are however still openly sexist, the racism was still rampant and open till 1978 and the polygamy did happen, my own Mormon ancestors are a testament to that. Those still following the polygamy doctrine may or may not be following what Smith and Young taught, it's hard to say what really happened back then, but they are correct in saying that these things were taught by early Mormon prophets. The church is not what it claims to be, and for those that think all tithing money goes to the needy, they really are full of the naivette I've come to expect from Mormons that refuse to see the truth when it is right in front of the wool that's been pulled over their eyes. I shudder to think of the days I was like that. - 09/12/2014 - Aquafalcon

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Hilarious work. A smart satire on people who really do claim to have "powers." - 09/01/2014 - Don Bagley

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Thank you for making these photos that honor millions of ex-mos. You amuse me with these photos. You have been led away from hive mind. I am proud of you. Blah blah blah. tl;dr Please consider this my love note to you. 08/20/2014 - Beth

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Why are you making these photos that dishonor millions? You hurt me with these photos? You are being led away. I am dissapointed in you. Gordon B Hinckly, Joseph Smith, And all the others are my heroes. It hurts me so much for you to dishonor these angels of god. I hope you repent and talk to Heavenly Father, instead of Satan. I have been led here by the Holy Ghost to end this foolishness. You need to stop your sinnings. You harm others by these so called 'creations'. I don't care what you think about me doing the right thing in this world so a can be in the celestial kingdom, because i am a daughter of god, a witness of the gospel, and an angel of heaven, and as the angel came to Nephi's brothers because they were smiting him with a rod, you might as well be his brothers. Please do not sin any more and delete these photos. You are dishonoring gods plan of salvation. I will not look down on you, but pray for you that you make the right decition to take these down. Please consider this note. - 06/29/2014 - Emily

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Hey Emily,

It's just a joke, you know! And a good one, at that! Thanks Salamander Society. - 06/30/2014 - Tom in Paris

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Effing hilarious Emily. Get a sense of humor. - 06/30/2014 - Moron I

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Please make a card of the commenter named Emily. Her testimony has sparked a fire in my loins, er, bosom. - 06/30/2014 - Emily's Future Husband

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Emily said "as the angel came to Nephi's brothers because they were smiting him with a rod, you might as well be his brothers"

Emily, the Book of Mormon is a racist 19th Century fabrication. The irony here is that you believe it and find nothing wrong with believing American Indians are lazy, idle, cursed, driven and scattered, smitten and nearly destroyed because of their sins. And now you have referred to another human being as if he were an evil Indian.

These pictures are satire and harmless. Your beliefs are dangerous. youtube.com/watch?v=aa2dWCsvzmQ - 06/30/2014 - Tapirrider

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Just want to say that these are brilliant! - 01/04/2014 - Left Handed Goat

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I'm catholic...will you do one of the pope? My priest will find it hilarious! - 12/12/2013 - sugarbug

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I want this made into a game; it's awesome. And boohoo crybaby Mormons. Make some of your own to go along with what you believe about apostate sinners. Promise I'll laugh, but not as much as I did at these pictures. Well done Salamander. The pope pictures were my first discovery of the good works of Salamander, right after I left the church and needed a good laugh. - 11/25/2013 - Jean Mormonnomore

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Brilliant, if you know the true history. Don't let anyone control or stop you through excessive use of fear, guilt, or the standard phobia indocrination. OHH WAIT! Those would make fantastic cards! - 05/21/2013 - J_Nephi

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Don´t you guys have anything else to do?? - 11/13/2009 - Cris

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These cards are utterly brilliant, and so so apt. Thank you! - 11/02/2009 - Claire

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what ever you are,i was thinking, maybe your just an apostate who is making your way to fame by pushing and putting some other good name on your own infamous box.

But, what i believe is that you don't have this Christian courage, you know,what you are doing is the way to being famous without the ability,HOW ABOUT MAKING A CARD WERE YOU ARE ON. What can you say about you? want me to make one?

"It is sad that one of satins minions would stoop so low as to make people look evil. Whoever did these cards had a very evil dark satanic heart." I like this comment thou, it defines you,it properly promotes you.

I suggest you change your site's name into "ALLIGATOR" or "CROCODILE" than salamander, it's way too small and lousy, why not trying to be big? or HUGE?

"Thank you for this. It was a good laugh. For the person who said "you aren't doing what Jesus would do" might I remind you what Jesus actually did do to the money changers in the temple?" like the one who wrote this comment,how much bucks did you gain "creating this GOOD LAUGH?"

Im not wondering, " peoples works do follow them, if people do good,good will follow but bad also, as to say and see that Satan won't attack that which is evil but that which is good.

May I ask you, how did you get that diabolic powers? Im interested to know if you had actually seen in a vision Satan, how did you contacted him, Ironically,so i can feature it in my site. "THE MAN WHO SPOKE WITH SATAN"

I sensed you're in a desperate need to establish a new religion worshiping Satan,I knew a lot of people who were finding for this advocate for the devil to spearhead their rise to the world.

I pitty you,maybe your not Christian.

Brother, REPENT. LEST THE LORD SMITE YOU.

YOU HAVE A SOUL, UNLESS YOU STILL DID NOT REALIZED THAT.YOUR SOUL WILL RETURN TO HIM THAT GAVE YOU LIFE, NOW CHOOSE, BEFORE YOU DIE, WILL YOU LET YOUR SELF BE PUFFED UP BY SOME OTHER MEN DOING THE THINGS YOU DO ALSO?

GOD HAVE GIVEN YOU YOUR BRAIN,AND POSITIONED IT ON THE HIGHEST PART OF YOUR BODY,WHY DOES IMMATURITY AND MEDIOCRITY HAVE TO PUT YOUR BRAIN IN YOUR BOTTOMS?

I PITTY YOU.NOW IM TOO HARSH.

www.vanballesteros.webs.com

email: vanballesteros@hotmail.com

name: Van Ballesteros

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it is funny how those who claim to be Mormon would run there mouth as they do when they see something offensive to them as this. at one time in my life i wanted so much to believe in LDS. sometimes i think that there was no one in the world that wanted so much for this church to be true. after 20+ years of research, hope and trying to convince myself that it was true. after countless missionary's and church members the truth unraveled to me to show that this is no doubt the most elaborate corporate fraud ever put upon man. you simply got to open your reasoning to see it instead of blindly believing all you hear. don't be stupid keep your 10% earnings. the very elite at the top are being paid by it. so much for the thought that its a unpaid church. just read what the church says. from its beginning you'll see. LDS thorn in the side is the fact they put everything to paper. check it out or write me - 06/06/2009 - steve

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Funny Stuff. Keep up the good work! - 05/20/2009 - Paul Kruyer

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grow sum balls - 03/03/2009 - anon

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This is disrespectful and crude humor. Members of the Church may take offense to this. This is just disrespectful. - 12/09/2008 - anon

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This is disrespectful and crude humor. Members of the Church may take offense to this. This is just disrespectful. - 12/09/2008 -

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Remember that those of the Mormon belief are human beings also. Instead of living in anger try to find the positive things about others. After all we could all dwell on the Catholic priests who molested inocent children. Funny how nobody attacks that belief or any others. I know that those priests do not represent that church, but themselves. I guess you just feel threatened by those who are stronger in spirit than you and have better moral standards. Its O.K. to be weak, I'm sure your a good person in other ways. - 11/22/2008 - anon

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You do realize you are fulfilling prophesy? If not, read your bible. Have fun now! - 11/20/2008 - anon

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I'm sorry that you feel that way about those men, and about us. I hope that you are able to realize that they really are wonderful people, and they don't lie to us in order to decieve us. - 10/27/2008 - LDS Girl

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Dear people, I would never stir up so much hatred as to ridicule you and your beliefs so please don't ridicule mine. Our Prophets are loving leaders who dedicate their lives to this church. (By the way... Our prophet is not paid,We pay tithing yes but all tithing goes to the people during disasters. The lds are teamed with many charity programs like red cross. Being Mormon isn't about being better than others but about striving to work hard to be the best you can be, I love my gospel and my leaders. If you have any questions or anything feel free to email. (NO WE ARE NOT POLYGAMISTS!!!) - 09/15/2008 - MormonTeen

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I feel real sorry for you. You really do need a life of your own instead of trying to run down others, no matter their religion. It will come back on you, but -- oh well -- none so blind and those who will not see. - 08/20/2008 - anon

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I think all you people who are rushing and jumping to the defense of these men are just as immature and are wasting as much time as the people who made these cards. Take a moment to consider the fact that anyone who gets a kick out of this will NOT be moved by your testimony or any sort of guilt trip you use. I give props to the people who made these because, like them I feel like these guys are evil and truly deceptive liars who like their status as "the chosen ones" even though they know their not. Wake up and smell the coffee! Don't tell us to do research on them when you won't even hear a work negitive about them, because you don't know the truth, just a made up story that's been canged over time. The real story of mormonism is QUITE different, and if you had the courage to challenge yourself i guarantee that you will see what i mean. As for me, mormonism has damaged my life in every way imaginable. It has alienated me from my frends, broken apart my family, ruined the golden years of my childhood, caused people i know to hate eachother etc. I could go on all night. My point is that not only are these cards way funny, but I find them somewhat healing to read, knowing that there are others who have had these guys wreck havoc on their lives. - 08/08/2008 - Mike

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How sad that your ignorance has overshadowed what is such a wonderful blessing in the lives of those who truly know what it means to be happy and have the complete truth. I can only hope you one day can truly see the light. Free speech is fine, but not when it is done out of hatred and an obvious lack of knowledge. - 07/20/2008 - ak

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IF you are offeneded why did you carry on to see all the cards--get real--MORMONISM is a CULT-- Brainwashing *****!! You figure it out. - 07/02/2008 - anon

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These are brilliant. Good job. - 04/21/2008 - Darren

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Thank you for this. It was a good laugh. For the person who said "you aren't doing what Jesus would do" might I remind you what Jesus actually did do to the money changers in the temple?

The General Authorities in these playing cards can thank God this person isn't doing what Jesus would do. Instead, this person is simply using humor therapeutically. Therapeutic for her/himself and for so many of us who literally feel like we have been raped, over and over, by these men. This is a very clear visualization of the way we see these men now. Is it extreme? You bet.

It's extreme because of the deep seated betrayal and spiritual rape done by those who conceived and continue to propagate Mormon Doctrine on us fools who believed, or even continue to believe. These men are evil, every last one of them and they know it perfectly well, because in order to do what they do in leading this church, they lie to millions of trusting souls on a daily basis and take their money.

Considering the mystical origins of the Church and Joseph Smith's propensity for openly practicing magic before he formed the Church and relabeled his divining, I think these playing cards are most disturbing because they are so appropriate for their subjects. If they offend faithful Mormons, I submit that they'll get over it a hell of a lot sooner than I will get over losing the first 30 years of my life to these evil confidence men. - 04/11/2008 - anon

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Those are awesome! Who cares if people are offended, it's called the 1st amendment people! The right to free speech? You have your opinion and those that made these cards have theirs! And btw it is a great opinion at that!

Don't forget people it's called a joke. :-D - 04/01/2008 - nevermo12

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I cant believe you feel this way about us. Im sorry you see us like that. I hope someday that you will reconize what we are really about, I hope you will hear the truth soon. - 03/27/2008 - hope

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It is sad that one of satins minions would stoop so low as to make people look evil. Whoever did these cards had a very evil dark satanic heart. - 03/19/2008 - Paul

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Yeah, way to go douchebag. As a former member of the LDS church, I have my beefs with it, but your portrayal of these men is wrong to the point of being evil. I'm sickened even more by the fact that Gordon B. Hinkley passed away just a few days ago and today I've stumbled upon one of the most offensive and misinformative sites on the LDS church I've ever seen. - 03/17/2008 - Teract

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wow! these cards are awesome! i wish i was a loser like you guys, so i could sit in my mom's basement and have totally sweet ideas on how to show everybody how big of of a prejudice bitter simp I am. you should be proud of how misguided all of you are. way to go! - 02/10/2008 - mitch

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How about General Authority Tarot cards? Or would that be sinful? - 12/30/2007 - Fran Monro

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I want to let you know that what you are doing is very immature. It is shown in the fact that you have the time to go and make "Trading Cards" that mock peoples faith and leaders.

I hope that you are not Christian. If so you are a nominal Christian, because you are not acting as a true Christian would. Because you are obviously too busy wasting your time making cards.

And you have obviously never heard of WWJD, which stands for "What Would Jesus Do". Because you are definately not doing What Jesus Would Do. - 12/01/2007 - Proud Mormon

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I hope that whoever made these pictures know that they are very immature and rude. These men are most respected in many peoples lives and the way that you portray them is completely disrespectful and inconsiderate. Why would you waste your precious time hurting perfectly good people, even if you hate the mormon people do you not consider this a little extreme?? i just want you to know that i have a testimony of this gospel in which you so rudely show to people. It is the most true church and these men should be respected and you have not given them that respect that they deserve. i highly belive that gordon B. Hinkley,Joseph smith, and all the men that you have on here are men of god and are called by god to help us in these times. I highly disagree with what you have done and would appreciate you to do some better reasearch on these individuals(because you DO NOt know who they are obviously) and make some better "cards" or not do this at all because it isn't what many people would like. and i hope that you would have some respect for others. Just think about someone you love and respect and if they had this kind of stuff up about them in which YOU know is not true and is only trying to be hurtful to that individual or group. if you could do me any favor i would ask you to read the book of mormon and also read about gordon b hinkley and the other men that you have made these cards out of and then decide if what you are doing is the right thing to do. thank you for your time and i hoope you understand that i love these men and this church and would not have put my time into this comment if i did not KNOW it was true!!! - 11/01/2007 - wow

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How many GAs are there? (obviously) No Need for any female/RS officer cards...UNLESS their heads can be pasted on swimsuit models, that is.

I'm up for a couple decks.... count me IN O & BTW. MUST HAVE a Mark Hoffmann card, with Wrinkley in the background, SLC police taking notes. - 09/12/2007 - anders

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I would love to have a set of cards like this. This is awesome!!! - 01/26/2007 - stones

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I would love to see the 3 Nephites come into play. Wilford Woodruff would have to have the ability to disappear especially when secular authority is present. - 05/07/2006 - Smokey Robinson

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I was thinking that we need to balance this deck out with some people in the exmormon and anti mormon communities like Steve Benson, the Tanners, Bob Mccue and others past and present to battle the dark forces of mormondumb. - 05/07/2006 - Jamerica

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Wow, this is a great set. Where can I get them. Can they be interchanged with Yugi-Yo cards? Are they the same size, so I can slip them into Yugi-Yo sets unnoticed? - 04/26/2006 - desert_vulture

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You could also do a deck of 52 playing cards like the US did for the top wanted Iraqis. - 02/27/2006 - Anon

I think that they should be like Magic cards (as in Magic: The Gathering), but instead of having power and toughness numbers, the GA cards should have deceitfulness and obstinance numbers.

There should also be temple cards that give extra bonuses to the GAs in play. And cards for all of the church universities, church office buildings, church historical sites, and the MTC.

One of the cards would be "Mountain Meadows," which would give a penalty to the GA cards. Maybe another card could be "Senility," which you could play on a GA who has been in play for a certain number of turn. Maybe other cards than would penalize the GAs would be "Kinderhook Plates," "DNA," "Civil Rights," "The Internet," "Salamander Letter," "Adam God Theory," "Blood Atonement," "Book of Breathings," "King Follett Discourse," "Masonic Rites," "Fundamentalist Schism," "Publicized Excommunication," "Sunstone," "Archaic Missionary Program," "Polygamist Journal," "Scriptural Revisions," and "Moon Quakers."

Oh, and also "FARMS" and "FAIR" cards that increase the deceitfulness of each GA in play.

Oh, and lest I forget. There should also be cards that "counter" or "remove" the aforementioned "GA-penalizing" cards. These "counter" cards could have titles like, "I Don't Know That We Teach That," "That's In the Past," "I Am Sustained As Such," and "That's Just a Couplet." - - 02/27/2006 - Ron Jeremy

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We would also need to add the: When the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done, which adds a plus 2 to the obedience power, but a minus 10 to the apostate change parameter.

Also need the I am the prophet and can speak on any subject, even if I am not an expert. Giving a plus 5 for gullibleness for TBM card traders and another minus 10 for the 'So-called intellectual' card of independent thinking. - 02/27/2006 - Seneca