POLISHING A THIRD

For their latest and trickiest trick at an Ethics World Cup in which they have dazzled with their PR skills, England must find a way of generating excitement about Saturday’s third-place play-off against Belgium. It is a match that traditionally features reluctant participants who are not particularly interested in winning the prize, like a custody battle for a foul-tempered hamster. So let’s see how canny Gareth Southgate’s selling it, shall we?

“It’s the chance to have our second best-ever finish and the chance for the players to get a medal!” he whooped, attaching tassels to his waistcoat to reflect the prestige of the occasion. “And there’s the pride in playing for your country again!” he continued as Steve Holland played It’s Coming Home on a plastic party whistle. “So we’ll try and get the team that is best able to do the job,” he concluded, holding back the tears with trademark dignity.

Even brighter England future? Players who could break through and shine Read more

Word is England’s team will include Trent Alexander-Arnold, Danny Rose and Eric Dier, owing to knack for Kieran Trippier, Ashley Young and Jordan Henderson. But playmaker Jordan Pickford is fit and you know that Harry Kane wants to start, what with him being two penalties clear of Romelu Lukaku in the race for the Golden Boot. “The third-place game is not a match we wanted to be in,” Kane confessed. “But we will try to play with as much pride as we can and finish on a high. We will still be thinking of the semi-final defeat, and what could have been, but of course I want to play.” Another free shot from the spot and the Boot, at least, will be coming home. Although given how it’ll have been won, perhaps that, too, should be bronze.

Elsewhere, France and Croatia are preparing for Sunday’s Big One. Mindful of the way Croatia’s players were spurred on in the semi-final by hubris from English pundits and hacks, French mouthpieces will be sure to avoid giving their opponents any further inspiration before the final. Right? “Nothing and no one can stop Les Bleus!” roared Patrick Vieira. D’oh!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“[Thibaut] Courtois used to play at Atlético. And does he think he plays Barça-style at Chelsea? I want the star [on the jersey] and if I get it, I won’t give a $hit [what anyone thinks]” – Antoine Griezmann gets his right of reply after Belgium’s hot post-semi-final chat.

RECOMMENDED LOOKING

It’s your penultimate David Squires of the season.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ITV! Illustration: David Squires/The Guardian

RECOMMENDED LISTENING



Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area on Saturday and Sunday evening.



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FIVEЯ LETTERS

“The aim of The Fiver should be to make readers laugh. Well, The Fiver has never made me laugh before. The emotions The Fiver had always provoked in me ranged from disappointment to disgust, pity and anger. But yesterday The Fiver made me sad” – Frank Chibundu Agu.

“Has anyone in World Cup history ever played the same opposition twice with both teams not wanting to win on both occasions?” – Noble Francis.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Noble Francis.

BITS AND BOBS

It’s wholly unmeasurable but apparently this is now the best World Cup ever, according to Fifa overlord Gianni Infantino. “For a couple of years I have been saying this will be the best World Cup ever and today I can say that with conviction – it is the best World Cup ever,” he roared.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘How do you do, fellow kids?’ Photograph: Dan Mullan/Getty Images

Clearly terrified of raising the ire of Luka Modric, France’s Blaise Matuidi isn’t expecting three knockout games with extra-time to impact Croatia. “I don’t think it’s a factor,” he sighed. “It will be a match they will be ready for and I don’t think extra-time or penalties has been or will be a handicap for them.”

Argentinian official Néstor Pitana will referee Sunday’s final in Moscow.

England set-piece specialist Kieran Trippier is set to be granted the freedom of his hometown, Bury, allowing him to take his lambs down through the market and earning him free black pudding for life. Other recipients of the accolade include Jill Neville, mother of Gary and Phil.

FC Mordovia Saransk (average gate 3,700) are set to inherit the city’s shiny new 44,000-seater World Cup stadium. “The arena will not turn into a white elephant, that’s for sure,” tooted government minister Alexei Merkushkin. “It won’t be a football-only ground, it will be multi-faceted.”

Non-World Cup dept: Chelsea have ushered Antonio Conte through the revolving Do One door at Stamford Bridge with a 52-word statement lacking a single word of thanks.

And non-World Cup dept: $tevie Mbe’s Pope’s Newc O’Rangers reign kicked off with a 2-0 win over Shkupi, whose name seems like Steve McClaren’s aborted European canine mess collection business.

STILL WANT MORE?

Seven reasons for England to be cheerful, courtesy of Dominic Fifield.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Four of them for starters. Composite: Getty Images

France v Croatia is the final a World Cup full of surprises deserves, writes Thomas Hitzlsperger.

Gareth Southgate’s next challenge is bridging promise and triumph, reckons Barney Ronay.

Proper Journalism’s David Conn on English unity in these toxic times.

A Moscow refugee tournament has thrown stark light on Russia’s migrant policy, reports Shaun Walker.

Which is the best World Cup ever? Rating contenders from 1954 to 2014. Not you, Gianni!

Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!

And Paolo Bandini on what Chelsea can expect from Maurizio Sarri.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

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