You are probably wondering where Sally is on this, our silver anniversary since that unforgettable New Year’s Eve party…

Chris Rock once joked Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison, and then after 6 months with his wife said “I can’t take this shit”. Well, like 40 to 50% of marriages in this country - including Chris Rock’s - ours failed miserably this year. I assumed we would live happily ever after, given how my epic declaration of love for her went over at that party in 1988: The assumption was that we made up, kissed, and fell in love because that’s how we retold it to the cameras interviewing us…But looking back on it now, even after my grandiose speech, Sally never said “I love you” back to me. Nope, not even once. She just said “I hate you”. THREE TIMES: “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…” I should have known right there something was up.



The divorce is not all Sally’s fault though. Anyone who knows us knows we had irreconcilable differences from the start: during our first drive I said to her “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way”, which Sally disagreed with, claiming that men and women can be strictly friends without sex. Well, neither of us ever thought about whether married men and women can be friends when the sex is expected but never as frequent or as enjoyable as either of us wanted. Like many marriages, our communication deteriorated over time, and with it the sex. I had turned into the Shel ‘Sheldon’ Gordon I once mocked.



I have changed too since that New Year’s Eve speech…When we were just friends, we didn’t eat as many meals together, and if her crazy ordering ever got to be too much for me, I could choose to eat separately. But once we got married, there was no escape. I - simply by association - became every waiter’s worst nightmare. Sandwiches, pies, ice cream, Chinese food, it didn’t matter; each order was as drawn out as a Congressional filibuster…

And that cute little crinkle wasn’t adorable when it grew bigger, and turned into two crinkles, then three crinkles…Woof - She started to look like one of those villains in those vampire movies, right before they age super quickly and disintegrate…

And I FINALLY get now why my father loves my mother’s all natural ways: All that perfume Sally left on my clothes became nauseating! Every day I would open the windows to air out the house, and then Sally would get upset because she would be cold - even when it was seventy one degrees out - and we would get to yelling day, after day, after day…

Trust me: Once we were at each others’ throats all day everyday, we just stopped talking to each before going to sleep at night. We even tried sleeping in separate bedrooms for a while, like some Japanese couples do.

In hindsight, I rebuffed Sally when she called me out on it then, but I would be lying now if I said my sentimental speech wasn’t partially motivated by loneliness. Loneliness is a perfectly natural part of the human experience, especially around this time of year…

And as for that last schmaltzy line about wanting the rest of my life to start as soon as possible, I did NOT think that through! Anyone my age will tell you, there is ZERO rush because life is L-O-N-G. You can be around your loved ones for SO long that you grow bored with them, eventually hate them, and finally forget why you loved them in the first place until you mutually decide you would be better off going your separate ways and trying your luck as 45 year-olds on Tinder & OkCupid.



Speaking of which, if any of you know how to use a computer, or a cell phone, or anything else that has taken over our lives since 1989, please get in touch with me via HarryIsAHornball1989@aol.com to help me out, because let’s face it: At this point I have nothing but time, this shoddy studio apartment & GrubHub to keep me company…



In short, Happy New Year, Love Is Dead, Go Tinder, Bring On 2015!



Yours Truly,

Harry Burns