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The clap, the Dick Show Tattoo, pranks, the mayor of chick town, the Dickbute, the creators of the 8chan list, another nonsensical rant about healthcare, Denzel can’t skate, morons at intersections, “letting you go” and workplace suggesters, an invasion of space aliens, NHS, fraud, Loudmouth Leah, a Road Rage update, a billboard update, a Denzel date update, and a screw up at a funeral; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Sean’s flight has been purchased, the Airbnb has been booked (under someone else’s account because my account has one review and it’s a bad one), and the DJ has been locked in! Road Rage: Philly is barreling down the highway at dizzying speeds and there’s barely enough time left to buy the merch that will put this maverick, renegade, big-dicked free-for-all of a show in the black! If you haven’t bought your ticket yet, do so immediately. We need to fill this venue.

ROAD RAGE: PHILLY

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April 18th – Doors open at 7PM

But first…

Would you let your company pick your wife? How about your car? Would you even let your company pick the color of your car? Then why the fuck does anyone let their company buy their health insurance? It’s offensive that they even ask instead of just, you know, giving you the money that they already ear-marked for it when hiring you. Companies buy Gildan. That’s why Gildan exists even though it’s shit. Companies buy Gildan coffee, Gildan chairs, Gildan carpet, Gildan desks, Gildan toilets, and Gildan health insurance. That familiar, nipple-assaulting customer service; the same awkward, Halloween-costume fit to your body. Don’t like it? Here’s a pamphlet made of stock photos and lies that you can roll into a bat and beat yourself in the head with when you realize no one gives a fuck.

Whenever I hear people talking about healthcare, they sound like recently divorced drunks at a bar arguing about who has the best relationship advice and trying not to sound like they’re talking about a very specific case that is extremely personal to both of them. I’m probably no different. All I know is, healthcare runs on fraud and makes me want to commit Merchant of Venice level acts of violence on the people who run it. They already got our money. Where’s our pound of flesh? The healthcare industry is the Unmoved Mover of scams. It’s scams all the way down. In fact, I think it’s more accurate to say that healthcare is a shake down industry where people occasionally and spontaneously get well and no one has figured out how to stop that yet, but they’re working on it.

As much as I hate roads and love adding “anarcho-” to everything, I don’t think the usual, debate-ending, libertarian, hyper-principled, “free market” ejector-lever is going to help on this one. Here is Oregon’s Medicaid model that I mentioned in the episode. They have a big list of all the medical problems in the universe, and they’ve ranked them in order of severity using a scientific method of two morons screaming at each other on a podcast every week for the last couple years. Based on their budget, they’ve drawn a “Fuck You, We’re Out of Money” line about half way through the list. Everything above the line is covered, and everything below it is not. At least that’s how I understand their system. If that isn’t how it actually works, my fill-in-the-blanks version sounds like it’s worth a shot.

Interestingly, the “Fuck You, We’re Out of Money” line is drawn right above “#477 Selective Mutism” and “#481 Foreign Body in Ear and Nose”, two ailments that I have no problem not paying to fix. In fact, if there’s a competing list of ailments the government will subsidize to cause more of, Selective Mutism should be at the top. I’ll pay cold, hard cash to get more people to shut the fuck up, and Foreign Body in Ear and Nose–or Wherever, should follow closely behind it because those people are getting that money shoved right up their ass.

Then, I present my Kendal & Hyde prank from last week. If you want to see what it looked like, head on over to www.kendalhyde.com/madcast. It used to work without the “www”, but Kendal or Hyde or whoever is still keeping the lights on over at the $400 Indiana Jones, leather man purse company took a break from ripping off Kickstarters to dick around with their DNS settings. They forgot to fix the “www” version though, so that still works, but probably not for long. On the bright side, the domain is up for sale in a month, maybe the fun will be back! I know the sponsor won’t be.

Next, Chris Strand is back with a tune that continues to blow me away each time I hear it, and I’ve heard it so much, I’ve started singing the parody lyrics in the place of the real song. It’s The Greatest Podcast in the Universe: Dickbute. I think Chris might actually be a demon, or at least might have sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the spiciest parodies the world has ever known.



Then, it’s the tattoo that launched a thousand dicks! Phil calls in to talk about this body-art beauty done by Wes Morris at the INKredible Tattoo Factory in Lancaster, PA. I hear that if he flexes his calves just right, it will raise it’s eyebrow at you, but I was unable to confirm over the phone. I was jealous of this tattoo at first, but I realized I have one exactly like it on my entire face except a little bit smaller.

Hazencruz sends in a Peach Saliva impression.



And then Peach Saliva sends in her best Brazzers impression from a Dickhead meetup last Saturday in Portland.

I had the great pleasure of surprising a Dick Show meet up in Portland! I had such a blast. Gentlemen and scholars, all! @dickmasterson pic.twitter.com/0uRfjg0b77 — Redhead Redemption 2 (@PeachSaliva) March 26, 2017

Big Bad Ben calls in with a full confessional regarding the infamous 8chan rape list. He and his friend made the thread and they didn’t mean anything by it. Looking back on it, I feel stupid for taking the literalness of the thread even partially at face value. It was obviously a joke made using the vocabulary of the show and blown out of proportion by a vindictive piece of shit with a dying brand.

And speaking of Maddox, after appearing on his morning-zoo style podcast last week, Loudmouth Leah Tiscone, a former guest of the Biggest Problem in the Universe™ and the illustrator of Maddox’s only-selling book, had to say about yours truly:

It looks like @LeahTiscione wants to be involved in the Hot Goss!! I can't wait. @DougBenson you wanna call in? pic.twitter.com/6qeO9QlmoS — Dick Masterson (@dickmasterson) March 19, 2017

She does know me personally, so to anyone unfamiliar with lying and implying, this might look bad. To clear the record, I give everyone an idea of exactly how “personally” Loudmouth Leah knows me, and additionally, her contribution to the first episode of the Biggest Problem in the Universe™ in the form of one of its biggest problems, Crying. I hope that in time Loudmouth Leah learns to keep her comments to herself, or that whoever is “not allowing” her to tell more tugs a little harder on the leash, but I doubt either will happen. Thank God Maddox ran his mouth like a windup chimp about every single fucking detail of her life the entire time I’ve known them, so I’ve got plenty to spill if she’s wants to dip another toe into the Goss oven!

And while the Goss is cooking, the remixes are chilling! Another fly-ass carnival of beats and sound by remix champion Todd Seidel.



And a snapshot of the ultimate RPG grind by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



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