PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,” mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at this point, so a candle or a clay pot with tempera paint still drying on it is not going to fly,” Wolner informed her 16- and 18-year-old sons and 20-year-old daughter, who she fully expects to “lay out some actual cash” and not just promise to clean out the garage, prepare dinner, or do dishes for a week, responsibilities already within their regular purview. “A gift certificate works, but I’m not getting my goddamn nails done. Make it something I can put towards a spa day at that place I like on Rittenhouse Square or, so help me God, I’m going to lose it. And none of this pathetic ‘what-do-you-want-for-your-birthday-Mom’ crap. You live with me. Figure it the hell out.” As of press time, Wolner has yet to acknowledge receiving a handpicked assortment of local flowers and a vase obviously made in a high school ceramics class.

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