The premise of this piece is strongly inspired by Mallory Ortberg’s obscenely brilliant Dirtbag Series on The Toast, which has revolutionized Greek Mythology and Winston Churchhill’s jammies.

This series re-imagines queer female protagonists as texting twits, ignoring grammar and manners with equal snot. There are lesbian movies, and there are lesbian movies as told by me. This is the story of Carol.

Carol: there are no accidents

Therese: this feels very intentional

Carol: and no explanation I offer will satisfy you

Therese: u could try like even a tiny bit to explain tho

Carol: u seek resolutions because you’re young

Therese: no i seek resolutions because u lured me on a road trip, nailed me, then peaced out after a salesman recorded us there’s some shit that needs resolving right there

Carol: but you will understand this one day

Therese: i’d like to understand now thx

Carol: if he can’t have me I can’t see my daughter

Therese: I could be ur daughter

Carol: wut

Therese: I’m young enough

Carol: it’s not the

Therese: call me bbgirl

Carol: stares

Therese: stares

Carole: blinks

Therese: blinks

Carol: smokes

Therese: i like ur musk

Carol: i like your name

Therese: *doesn’t blink for a while, eerily*

Carol: *twitches upper left corner of mouth*

Therese: i’ve never felt this kind of connection

Carol: *noncommittal murmur*

Therese: im in love

Carol: *nodsish*

Therese: u know just what to say

Therese: u left something at the store i work in

Carol: let’s go to salad lunch

Therese: yes

Carol: nip up to my country house this weekend and play the piano

Therese: makes sense

Carol: i love that you’re your own person

Therese: what are you doing?

Carol: driving away from my problems

Therese: oh u wanna talk about it

Carol: no wanna come

Therese: why

Carol: no reason

Therese: yeah cool um lemme dismantle my life real quick brb

Carol: chop chop

Therese: leggo

Carol: aight

Therese: u wanna do or see anything

Carol: just the open road and the peeling ceiling of a cheap hotel room

Therese: awesome

Carol: bring your ugliest hat to help me suppress my lesbian urges

Therese: i know just the one

Carol: that feels good

Therese: does it

Carol: yes

Therese: i just can’t tell by your expression

Carol: what expression

Therese: exactly

Carol: this is awkward

Therese: wut

Carol: cuz I just popped your lady cherry

Therese: huh

Carol: but I’m done here and like with you in general

Therese: WHAT

Carol: don’t ask me why

Therese: WTF

Carol: It’s my daughter

Therese: I thought they were taking her away from you

Carol: they are

Therese: that’s kinda the whole point of this trip

Carol: there is no point

Therese: what

Carol: none whatsoever

Therese: then why

Carol: because the taping of your queer sexual awakening by my husband’s lawyers convinced me to get back with him

Therese: but i caught feelings

Carol: sux for u

Therese: please

Carol: was ur momma a virginia slim b/c im about to put u out

Therese: stands

Carol: sits

Therese: *neutral stare*

Carol: *shadow of a smile*

ROLL CREDITS

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