Navigating conflict is an essential part of leadership. As an agent of positive change, your job requires occasions to facilitate and catalyze uncomfortable conversations. This is easier said than done, because most of us grow up learning how to avoid conflict, not running headlong into it. How are you supposed to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict? And how do you ensure that you’re having constructive conflict that doesn’t become unconstructive?

The easiest way to help developing leaders manage conflict is to break all conflict types, sources, dynamics, and nuances into two distinct forms: inclusive vs exclusive conflict.

The exclusive form of conflict creates separation between you and the person or people that you’re working with. It’s the antagonistic, dominating, persecuting form of conflict. You believe that and I believe this and there’s no bridging the gap. In exclusive conflict, your job is to score points against the person you’re in conflict with until they relent or you’re the clear victor. One party typically “wins” at another party’s expense.

Leaders perceive opportunity for exclusive conflict when there isn’t sufficient common ground between them and the person they’re disagreeing with. When we see an us vs. them situation, we use exclusive conflict.

Conversely, inclusive conflict is meant to bring people in. This type of conflict is the kind effective salespeople use. You and the other person are starting from different places and your job is to help bridge the gap, to persuade the other party. If exclusive conflict acknowledges an insurmountable gap, inclusive conflict acknowledges a surmountable gap. “Can’t you see we’re on the same side? We essentially agree, it’s the details that we’re debating, not the core argument”. Inclusive conflict is best resolved when both parties come to a compromise or agreement on mutual terms. There’s no “winner” or “loser”, both parties should leave feeling like there’s been a win-win.

As a leader, you need to avoid exclusive conflict in your professional life. Honestly, probably your entire life.

It took me years to realize that conflict with my employees could be done inclusively, and now that’s the only way that I approach situations where my employees and I don’t see eye-to-eye. If an employee wants a raise, I don’t spend time telling them why that’s not possible and shutting them down, instead I hear them out, try to understand their perspective, consider the available options, and try to bridge the gap between our positions.

These conversations are still tense, but I’ve learned enough to know how to be candid without being impolite, and how to leave openings for dialogue and shared understanding.

Obviously inclusive and exclusive conflict exist on a spectrum, but if it’s important to you to have the kind of conflict where both parties can leave feeling better about the relationship, then you need to err on the side of inclusivity.

Approach every situation involving potential conflict with the following things in mind:

Do I really understand the other person’s position? Have I given them a chance to restate their perspective so I can best understand it?

Have I stated my position in a way so that they understand? Is it clear that I’m not being capricious or spiteful?

Is there opportunity for a win-win?

Even if there isn’t really an opportunity for compromise, if the other person sincerely believes that you advocated on their behalf to find mutual benefit, you’ll still produce an outcome that builds relationships and preserves political capital. It’s as much the way that you do things as it is the outcome.

“But Patrick, surely there are times where it’s ok to lean heavily into exclusive conflict”. Sure, there are situations where it’s perfectly ok to go nuclear, concede no points, burn bridges, and give wild ultimatums. These situations exist exclusively in your head, and devoid from all reality.

The people you have conflict and disagreements with are almost always going to be people you need to have strong relationships with and people you interact with regularly (often the reason you had the conflict in the first place). The more you interact with these people, the more important it is for you to preserve relationship and political influence by addressing the situation respectfully and with an open mind. Your job, whether you like it or not, is to be the peacemaker.

Good luck out there,

Patrick

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