Is this a bad time? This is a bad time.

When I emerged from my sarcophagus, beneath the wasteland you now call “Kentucky,” I felt ecstatic. My spells had worked; my flesh was intact; my powers were peaking. There stood I, Khol, Soul-Eater and Life-Reaver, ready to spread evil anew! I had accomplished the impossible, through cunning & will, outliving friend & foe alike. Gleefully I summoned my cultists, eager to commence my bloody conquest of the future. O, the ruin I would sow! O, the misery I would reap! But, to be honest: it looks like you guys are pretty miserable already. And you’re really busy, fighting off all kinds of vicious political attacks & natural disasters. Therefore, I’m postponing my reign of horror until you all have a bit less going on. If that’s cool?

Let me tell you about Sharon, the cultist who first greeted me. She stood there in my tomb all like, “Master Khol, Soul-Eater and Life-Reaver, welcome to 20-fuckin’-17, ::SIGH::” And I was all, “Hey, why so down? Your family waited 500 long years for my return!” In response, she showed me the video of your President Trump threatening nuclear genocide at the “U-N.” After she explained atom bombs to me, and genocide, I was stunned. At a peaceful conclave of nations, that’s how he presents himself? Shhyikes. I am a Life-Reaving Soul-Eater, but I don’t pretend I’m saving the world! I own my evil. Seriously, does he say stuff like that every day? Even I can’t think of awful things to do every day. Most of my ideas, frankly, revolve around skeleton-summoning. I don’t know how you deal with his kind of crazy!

Most of my ideas, frankly, revolve around skeleton-summoning.

I borrowed Sharon’s “smartphone” and scrolled through “Twitter.” In just 10 minutes, I read about a healthcare bill, police, & hurricanes, all set to murder poor folks. I admit, the poor had it bad in the 1500s too! Some things never change. But this was a ceaseless misery-feed, punctuated only by the occasional piece of cool fanart or hot porno. True, good stuff is still happening! People are living their lives, making art, raising babies! But it’s all under this big, glooming cloud of reality. Not the demonic blood-cloud I’d hoped to summon, mind you. A metaphorical glooming cloud. Of reality.

However, and this truly frightens me, I notice that some of you enjoy what’s going on. Some of you seem to think the big problem is “Muslims” or “immigrants” or “Black people who are happy.” I entered my slumber right before racism really got going, but browsing that “MAGA” hashtag caught me right up to speed. Yamma-hamma. You don’t just have a racist, misogynist President; you’ve got racist, misogynist neighbors, cousins, policemen! And, right beside them, enablers who downplay or even defend hatred. Exhausting. When I conquer the world? You’ll have one clear bad guy to blame for the death-knights: me, Khol Soul-Eater! I actually think it’d be easier to handle undead hordes than to handle modern America.

You know, that’s a little unfair. It’s not just America. As we speak, gloom unfolds all across the world. Massive quake in Mexico. State-sanctioned genocide in Myanmar. Evacuation planning for whole peoples, because oil companies prefer Money over Life. I tell you, there’s not a single region I feel comfortable invading right now. Gadzooks. What if I, uh, summon skeletons to help disaster relief efforts? Trying to make things more invade-able, you know. Are skeletons too scary? I could put Red Cross vests on them, maybe?

Oh. Sharon says “No, that just looks like a bunch of Red Cross workers died, which is sad.” Fair point, Sharon.

I guess I’m badly ill-equipped for non-conquest tasks. Sorry. Skeletons & death-magic just can’t fix systemic issues! Let’s make a deal. I can’t terrify people who are already terrified. So how’s about we all pitch in & fix up this ol’ mudball? I’ll have happy people to subjugate, and you’ll have a good planet for at least ten seconds. I’m gonna have Sharon set me up with ResistBot. That’s a start! And I’ll to try to get some racists fired from their jobs. That’s doable! Hear me, puny mortals: combat bigotry when you see it, especially from friends & family. Challenge oppressive & regressive beliefs. Support the people fighting for real change. And when you make it through all this? I’ll be there, with my skeletons, ready to invade a properly-enlightened world.