Another week, another helpful instructive article for the modern single man. This week: “How to talk to a woman who is wearing headphones”, a topic only surpassed in its brilliance by other recent gems such as: “17 killer mistakes a girl should never make on the first date” and “13 little things that can make a man fall hard for you”.



The internet abounds with such guides, most of which might more accurately be re-titled “How to be a complete jackass and ruin all chance you might ever have had of a relationship”, or: “How to personify every outdated gender stereotype about relationship roles in 10 easy steps”.

Glamour magazine’s “13 little things” counselled women to answer the door naked, wait with a cold beer when a man steps out of the shower, sit quietly by his side while he watches his favourite TV show and (my personal favourite) let him “solve your petty work problem”. Excellent advice for aspiring home-help robots or faithful canines; not so much for 21st-century women who don’t despise themselves or want to burn everything.

Metro’s “17 killer mistakes” list included helpful tips for how not to behave on a first date, such as “There is such a thing as too much makeup”, “Don’t mention your parents”, “Let’s not have sex on the first date”, and “Don’t think it’s sexist that we offer to pay the bill”. Women were also advised not to “tell us to order what we feel like, then get a salad from the starters after we’ve just asked for a rump steak”, a variation on the infinite and contradictory rules out there about whether a woman can or can’t eat salad on a date. Thanks internet!

The latest offering – “How to talk to a woman who is wearing headphones” – advised men to attract the attention of said women using much the same approach as an alien trying to blend in without arousing suspicion.

1. Stand in front of her (with 1m to 1.5m between you).

2. Have a relaxed, easygoing smile.

3. Is she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can’t ignore it.”

Swoon. Excuse me while I go take a quick cold shower.

While there may be some women out there who would be delighted at this approach and immediately request marriage, the majority (judging from the response on Twitter), might find it annoying, scary, entitled, or just downright rude. Given the amount of time women already spend fending off unwanted sexual advances, and the fact that many actively use headphones as a deliberate tactic to avoid them, an instructional piece encouraging men to invade our privacy is pretty much the last thing we need.



Yet, apparently, modern daters are in desperate need of guidance. So here’s an alternative list of simple tips on how to talk to/date/generally interact with a woman without being a total idiot.

Try to think about a woman as if she were a real-life human person. If you would find it weird to have someone wave their hand in front of your face with a fixed smile as you walk to work, the chances are she might, too.

Don’t do things to women that you would find annoying if done to you. This includes, but is not limited to, making unsolicited comments about body parts, musing aloud about fornicating with them, or shouting out ratings out of 10.

If paying the bill on a first date is the entire basis for your masculine sense of self, get help. Consider counselling, or have a nice long chat about self-worth with a friend or colleague.

You can’t judge a woman on her weight AND get angry if she orders a salad – that’s just counter-intuitive. Try to work out in advance which sexist stereotype is most important to you, and stick with it.

Remember that judging us on whether or not we want to have sex on a first date is the absolute number one most guaranteed way to turn us on. Women just love those sexist societal double standards. Lots of sex ahead for you.

Acceptable reasons to approach a woman with headphones in: if she’s about to step into a puddle, dog poo or the path of an oncoming car. If she is on fire and has not yet realised it.

Unacceptable reasons to approach a woman with headphones on: anything else. Don’t. Stop it.