NEW YORK – It’s no secret that President-elect Donald Trump is having problems finding musical talent that is willing to perform in his upcoming inauguration ceremony. As of press time, the lineup consists of 16-year-old Jackie Evancho, who made her debut on the universally unwatchable television program America’s Got Talent. Trump has openly expressed his love for Evancho.

“Yeah, I mean if she weren’t pretty we probably wouldn’t let her perform” said Trump. “But hey, I’ve got no problem sitting down and watching her backside while she sings some crappy overrated pop song.” According to the setlist, she will be performing the opening song “The Star-Spangled Banner” originally written by Francis Scott Key, the song that just so happens to be the United States of America’s national anthem. Moreover, when reporters reminded Trump that Ms. Evancho is only 16-years-old, Trump scoffed. “So? I’ve slept with younger and hotter women before. When you’re President, you can do anything. ”

Another confirmed performance for Trump’s swearing-in ceremony is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. We had the privilege to sit down with Samuel Smith and the rest of the choir to talk about their upcoming performance.

“It’s an honor to have been selected to perform at Mr. Trump’s inauguration. My wives and I are very excited to sing.” said Smith, pointing to the entire women’s section of the choir, who blushed, winked and blew kisses to their husband. “Let’s be honest though, in terms of crazy things us Mormon’s believe and practice, agreeing to this is pretty mild.” he muttered, adjusting his Mormon underpants while looking up to the Mormon sky.

But in terms of headlining, there’s been nothing but disappointment.

Originally, Trump persuaded Andrea Bocelli to agree to perform, but Bocelli has since changed his mind. Other performers have volunteered like Ted Nugent have volunteered to play, but the reality is that Trump doesn’t give a fuck about country folk like Nugent or their musical stylings, so naturally Trump shot that idea down.

But just when all hope seemed lost, Trump got a phone call from one of his favorite bands, Nickelback, who volunteered to play the inauguration ceremony with upmost excitement.

“I just want to be a rockstar and I guess no press is bad press, so this seemed like the logical thing to do” sighed the tone-deaf lead singer and frontman Chad Kroeger. “I mean, look at this graph of our popularity since we burst on the scene in 1995.”

“But it’s not all that bad,” said the clearly distraught vocalist. “I know you all seem to think that your incoming President is xenophobic and hates America’s neighbors, but how can that be true given we’ll be the first Canadian performers at a Presidential Inauguration in your country’s history?”