Schrödinger’s Pussy

(I’ve seen a few truly delicious GWA audios about sex with oneself (you know who you are), but I don’t think I’ve yet heard one involving a genderswapped clone/alternate version of yourself. So here we go.

Oh, and my deepest apologies to anyone with any actual understanding of quantum mechanics. No actual physics were harmed in the writing of this script.)

<tone of voice>

[sound effect/action]

*italics*

[click]

Alright. For the record, this is test, um, sixteen of my quantum tunnelling device.

<uncertainly> If my math is right, it really should work this time. This universe is just one of billions of equally possible ones, after all. We only see ours, just like Schrodinger only saw the one cat in his box – observer effect, wave function collapse, etc - but my device *should* let me make contact with an alternate possible universe. [frustrated sigh] If it ever actually works...

Alright, the Casimir field is charged, Heisenberg matrix active. Here goes nothing.

[the dramatic sound effects of SCIENCE!]

<quietly> Oh my god. <excited> Oh my *god*! Are you okay? Sir, are you – are you from another universe? [Pause] Okay, that was a stupid question, fine. But where were you before getting zapped to my lab?

[Pause] No, *you* appeared in *my* lab. And you look really familiar, too... <slow realization> That... that’s not possible. You can’t be... me?

Well no, obviously you can’t be me, you’re a guy. Unless...

<realization> An alternate possible universe. An alternate possible... me. Oh, they’re totally giving us a Nobel prize for this, aren’t they?

Come on, calm down, let’s just sit down and absorb this, okay? I need to think, I need – oh, you know where I keep my brandy? [Pause] So you’ve got the same brandy, the same lab, the same quantum tunnelling device back in your universe. You’re me, except you’re a dude. That’s... that’s pretty weird. Pour me a drink, and get one for yourself too.

[Gulp]

I guess it kinda makes sense. Our universes would have to be pretty similar – almost identical – to allow travel between them... but they’d be different as well, ipso facto. I suppose the easiest one for my device – okay, fine, *our* device – to tunnel into would be a universe where the difference was... close by?

[Drinking noises]

Yeah, figuring all this out is going to be a lot of work. But does that even matter anymore? We did it. It worked. I can start fighting off grant money with a stick tomorrow. Right now I’m just going to, um, <giggling> sit and drink by myself.

Hey, you couldn’t come up with a better joke. You’re me, after all.

And you are, aren’t you? I barely saw it at first, but now it’s impossible to ignore. The way you sit, like you’re always in exam conditions. That scar on your arm, like mine – bike accident when we were kids? Right. And your eyes... god, it’s like looking into a mirror. Just, you know, taller.

<laughing> You even blush like I do. So our lives have been almost identical despite the gender thing. Weird, huh? But that’s quantum mechanics - *any* possible universe, no matter how strange, exists out there somewhere, hypothetically. [pause] You’re zoning out – we’re both thinking of the possibilities, right? <laughter>

[Drinking noises]

So come on, tell me about... ourself. Are our lives really identical? Stop me if I’m wrong: we both had pasta for dinner last night. We both hate classical music, even though we know that makes us seem plebeian. We took our cat to the vet last weekend – he’s still fine in your universe, right?

Um, what else. We both need to work less... and drink less, I suppose <giggling, sipping>. We both need to get laid.

God, that’s weird to think about, huh? I mean, we can’t have had the same relationships with the same people. I guess if you were gay... hey, I had to ask. When was your last relationship? [Pause] Me too. Sad, huh? I’ve kind of gotten used to it – resigned to my lot. But it doesn’t make sense for you, you’re...

[Pause] God, I’m getting tipsy, aren’t I? I just meant that... well, I never thought about it but... I look pretty hot as a dude.

No, really! You carry off our eyebrows way better than I do. And your eyes are just... so... Why are you looking at me like that?

Thanks, but you’re just saying that. I’m too pale, my hair never sits right, and my breasts are *tiny*. <giggling> Yeah, I guess yours are tiny too. But you’ve got an excuse, being all male and... fit and, uh, broad-shouldered...

[pregnant pause, probably with drinking]

...I’ve almost given up on making a real relationship work, you know. People are too different, it takes so long to get close to someone. When you finally do, they see something about you they can’t accept. But you know the worst thing about my sad, sad love life? <tone shift> I’m so *horny.*

And it never stops. I’ll be halfway through a lecture and I’ll start fantasizing and grinding my thighs together right up in front of the class. Masturbate? Yeah, every night, but you can only do so much by yourself. To yourself. With yourself.

...I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking.

[silence]

[kiss]

Oh, oh fuck. It’s not that weird, is it? It’s like – it’s like masturbating. We’re getting ourself off. <giggles> Quantum pronouns – we’ll have to invent some new ones. God, I’m definitely tipsy.

Take advantage of me? How do you know it won’t be the other way around? Anyway, you can’t take advantage of yourself. Let me demonstrate.

[kissing, more intense this time]

<muffled> You even kiss like me. [continuing kissing while talking] Taste the same? I don’t know... need to experiment further...

[sharp inhale] Nnh. Normally I’m the one who bites the guy’s lip. We really needed this, didn’t we? Come on, help me with your shirt.

[his shirt off, both still kissing] Damn, your arms. Flex again? <admiring> You lucky bastard. I mean, I work out a bit, but I don’t have a Y chromosome...

I love to feel you holding me like this. Being single so long, I’ve missed just being held. Wrapped up in the arms of someone stronger than me. I know you won’t let go no matter how much I squirm, no matter how I wriggle...

[sudden gasp] Ohhh. Wait, no, don’t stop – it’s okay. Slide your fingers back between my thighs. Rub them back and forth, feel the dampness. Feel the heat radiating from my pussy. That’s for you. Here, let me -

[pants coming off]

Fuck, you’re rubbing me over my panties... I don’t normally wear lace to the lab, maybe on some level I knew... Fuck, that’s right, pull them aside and slip your fingers inside my slit. Don’t be nervous, we’re just masturbating, remember? This is your pussy, in a way, and this is the first time you’ve ever touched it.

[finger goes in]

[gasp] Ohh that’s good. You like how warm I am, how I grip your finger so tight when I shift my hips? Curl it up a bit – like you’re beckoning me over. Like that, like thaaaat.

[kissing] Don’t say anything. Just feel my pussy, our pussy, and... well, I guess *this* is ours too.

[zipper] Holy shit! We’re hung!

You’ve got me wishing I was born a boy. [pleasured moan] O-o-kay, the vagina has upsides too, but – look, you’re leaking precum. Poor boy, doing all the work. Here, let me wrap my fingers around your long, pulsing shaft. Your cockhead’s all swollen, let me rub it, use that precum for lube. All while you finger me – another finger, please. [reaction] Oh, yeah. You like it when I rub your balls as I jerk you? Fuck, they’re so heavy. So much creamy cum, and I’m gonna work it all out. [Moans and masturbation for a while, slowly increasing in volume as she builds arousal]

Just sitting here, playing with ourself, jerking each other off. I could get used to this. I could, except... I really wanna cum. You have no idea how bad.

Okay, maybe you do. [distracted laugh] But I don’t just want your fingers in me. Remember what I said about how you can only do so much by yourself? I finger myself almost every night... but it’s been far, far too long since someone’s licked my pussy.

You’d do that for me? Fuck, thank you. I need it so bad, I’m staining the seat here, I – here, let me lie back, let you get between my knees. [positions shifting]

Now I must confess I don’t know how to pleasure myself with my tongue, so I hope you know more than me or we might be - <moaning> ohhh yess. So you do know some things I don’t. That’s good, that’s – that’s definitely good.

[10-20 seconds of the Assorted Sounds of Cunnilingus, or whatever you improvise]

Yeah,

<needy> More on the clit, more... *fuck*. I’ve never told anyone else this, but I just love to feel a head between my thighs. When you’re down there I can trap you with my legs, hold you against me so you can’t do anything but lick me, please me. Worship my pussy. Do you love doing that too? Are you thinking about my head between your thighs? Do you want to ram my cock down my throat and hold me in place until I’m crying and gagging?

[moaning more as orgasm approaches] Maybe... m-maybe later. Right now if you leave our pussy I will literally k-kill ourself... Ohh please, please make me cum... Please don’t stop, make me squirm and squirt like a filthy slut... Please, fucking please... [and/or whatever you improvise]

[the Assorted Sounds of Cunnilingus II: Orgasm Edition]

[panting, coming down] Oh, fuck. Thank you. That was amazing. [looks down, giggles awkwardly] Sorry. I guess you wouldn’t know – when we’re female, we tend to squirt when we cum. Here, let me clean you up.

[Kissing, licking, laughing]

That was... I don’t know if it’s ever been like that before. That, you know, good. Where did you learn how to – college? Ha. <teasing> Maybe I’ll show you what *I* learned in college some time.

Right now, though, you really deserve to be fucked.

No, don’t say *anything*, mister. Neither of us have gotten laid since Christmas, neither of us have even had a real relationship in... [sigh] <soft, sincere> Look, what I mean is that we deserve this. [quick kiss] You deserve this. [longer kiss]

Okay, follow me – although you know the way, don’t you? Good thing we keep this camping mattress in the back of the lab for late nights. What? Oh, a condom, good idea. Shit, good thing you keep one in your wallet – I don’t want to think about you and me having, fuck, some sort of clone baby <nervously laughing>. I don’t know, we’re physicists, not geneticists. I should stop killing the mood.

Alright, let me lie down on my back. I guess that’s one good thing about my little A-cups – they always keep their shape, no matter what position I’m in. Watch me squeeze them, tease my hard little nipples, writhing on the ground. Waiting for you.

Get down here and run your hands up my legs. Hnh? You like how pale my thighs are? I – I always burn in the sun, rather than tanning, so I keep them covered. [Pause] Thanks. I’m glad you like them.

<cheeky> But you don’t need to sweet-talk me into our bed. I’m still wet and willing, and I can only take the teasing for so long. Come on, move your hands back down my body, back down my thighs and push my knees apart. See how my pussy’s still all pink and flushed?

‘Our’ pussy, fine, whatever. You can make all the jokes you want after you put ‘our’ dick in me-eeeh!

[insertion]

[deep breathing] Fuck, I didn’t expect... it’s holding me wide open. Slide in, slide in... fuck, filling me up. You’re filling me up. Come here. [kissing]

Mm. Now fuck me. Mmm, yeah, play with my tits while you rock back and forth inside me. You know you can pinch my nipples as hard as you want, right? You’re not going to hurt us.

[squeak] <breathy> Fuck. Faster. God, your dick – are you some sort of stud in the other universe? [barely controlled moan] No, really, I can’t – can’t believe your love life is as sad as m-mine, fuck. You should be some sort of Lothario. [Pause] Well, we’re making up for it now. Mm. Pin my wrists with your hands – [kissing]

<half-dazed> You’re so big. Fuck, I’m holding my legs up and wrapping them around you and I can barely do it – ohh shit, you’re going faster. I, I mean, it’s just crazy that one chromosome and suddenly I’m such a fucking stud –

[moaning]

<suddenly> Oh, I just realized, I like my nipples being pinched, so you must – yeah, you like that? Oh, fuck, you’re too fast, too... I’m gonna cum.

You’re close? Fuck. I’m holding on, I’m holding... cum together with me, okay?

<between moans> It’s... only fitting... after all. Two sides of the s-same orgasm...

Fuck, fuck...

[climax]

[heavy breathing, coming down]

Mm. Ahh. No – wait, don’t pull out! Just... just stay there above me, inside me. I want to keep feeling you.

[kissing, petting]

You ever get flashes of insight during sex? Thoughts popping up at the moment of orgasm, like you rode the pleasure all the way to enlightenment for just a moment? Yeah? Well, I thought of two things just then. I wonder if you thought of them too.

The first thing is about the experiment, the quantum tunnelling. I assumed this whole time that you got pulled through into my universe, and I only just realized... I have no idea whether that’s true. I mean, our labs are the same, our tunnelling devices are the same. The only difference between our universes is our gender. So the only way to tell will be to leave this lab, go outside, and see which one of us our friends and co-workers recognize.

You figured that out too, huh? So did you think of the second thing?

The second thing is... I don’t really want to leave this lab, this bed, just yet.