The classified section is full of ad for highly paid database administrators, jobs that offer a six figure paycheck,. yet go unfilled because you don't know the secrets of success:





COMPUTER JOBS - 1500 Oracle DBA in West Bumfucque - No experience necessary. Readin and writing a plus. Salary starts at $150k plus benefits and company car. Call 800-766-1884. Manhattan DB2 DBA - Need arrogant mega nerd to manage multi-billion dollar database. Pay DOE and includes private jet and stock options. (213) 555-4935 Database Administrator in Alabama - Need Oracle DBA with at least two days of training to manage government database. Pay starts at $230k plus benefits. British people need not apply. (252) 555-3925

It's no longer true that you have to hail from Pakistan or India to be a highly paid database administrator! That's right! Once you know the secrets, any ole redneck can become a DBA, and in only six hours!

Introducing the first book about database administration for Rednecks!



I spent years working with rednecks to develop the perfect program for teachin' a redneck to quality for them thar highly paid DBA jobs!



This is the indispensible book for learnin' all of the skills of a professional DBA, everything that you need to know to be a successful computer professional.



Best of all, it's easy! While other companies offer a 2-day DBA school, this here book will teach you DBA in less than six hours!

Using my great new book "DBA fer Rednecks", you can see how to break-in to this exciting and highly paid profession.



You too can become a highly paid professional DBA in just under six hours, with enough time left over to wup-up some fresh squirrel fer dinner.

I'll teach you everything you need to know to become a DBA:



- Learn how to be condescending and arrogant, and how to insult and demean anyone who does not agree with you:

Jen3: That's the stupidest thing I've heered all day. Did your Momma drop you on yore head when you were a baby?

- Learn how to talk fancy database words

Erwin: I reckon that we is going to need updatable materialized views on a peer-to-peer network running at least 80 megahertz.

- Learn how to build database that only you can maintain

Janet: My schema is so convoluted that Einstein couldn't figure it out! With "DBA's Fer Rednecks", I've done learned job security!

Let's hear what rednecks are saying about my new job fulfillment initiative.

Clayton (shoveling poo with pitchfork)

I slave away all day, and I'm always dealing with crap. Since I deal with crap all day, I is perfect for a job as a database administrator.

Zoom-in on face, Clayton smiles knowingly

I even learned to talk fancy, jes like a real DBA.

Clayton changes voice here, talks like a white guy)

"You should always monitor the vmstat runqueue for evidence of RAM swappin".

It was so easy! I'd thought I'd crapped my pants on the hard words, but learning to talk the talk makes all the difference.

Travis (wearing cowboy hat)

Hey, I'm Travis Carter. I reckon that I've been fixing to be a DBA fer years, I just didn't know how to break-in to this exciting new field.

Have Travis hold look with his LOVE tattoo showing. Zoom-in o the book title, and then his LOVE tattoo

Brad (seated, lumination from monitor lights-up face)

It's so easy even a one-armed redneck can do it!

- I learned where my database bottlenecks are a hidin'- I now a knowin why my end-users have bad response time- I kin quickly address a performance problem.I reckon that this here book is about the best thing ever for any redneck DBA.