The last of the three “messengers”, and the three universal forms of dukkha, is death. While all of us know, at least intellectually, that no one lives forever, most of us are determinedly reluctant to allow this knowledge to be fully integrated into our lives.

And yet, the “messengers” can also be teachers.

Frank Ostaseski is a mature and skillful Buddhist teacher, founder of the Metta Institute, and co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project. His 2017 book, The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully, is a gem, full of rich stories, and may be useful to all of us in various ways. Because I don’t think I can improve on the invitations themselves as a description of how to make death a teacher in our lives, I’m going to simply introduce them and encourage you to look more deeply if you’d like (https://fiveinvitations.com/about-frank-ostaseski ).

Don’t wait Welcome everything, push away nothing Bring your whole self to the experience Find a place of rest in the middle of things Cultivate don’t-know mind

Putting these principles into practice can help us face our own death and help us to be fully present when others are dying; they can support us in our grieving and in our ability to support others who are grieving. The invitations are not so much instructions as investigations; there are no pat formulas.

What would it feel like to not put off what’s important? To live every day as if it could be our last? How would life be different if we opened ourselves fully to everyone, not pushing away anything, including our own discomfort? If we brought our whole self, our love and skills and vulnerability, to every experience? How can we learn to generate and maintain a place of rest in our hearts that we have access to even in times of distress? Can we allow ourselves to be open and unsure? To not be the expert, the one who knows, the one who directs?

All of us have these qualities to some degree, either as potentials or as realized characteristics.

From the book (p. 128): Try it sometime. Sit with another person without a solution to their problem, without playing a role. No analyzing, no fixing, no meddling, no mending. Listen generously, as if the other person has all of the resources that they need inside of them. Just respect and receive what is being offered. It’s not even important that you understand. Imagine your listening presence is enough, exactly what is needed. Often a receptive silence heals more than all the well-meaning words.

Each of us will find this proposition (listening generously and respectfully) more or less possible. We can’t fake bringing our whole self to the experience; but we can learn with practice. We can start with smaller issues and see how it goes. Sitting with people in distress, for whatever reason, is difficult – it’s work, but it’s work of the most beneficial kind, for ourselves and others.