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The Yawn Police, post-seasonal regret, lies on Tinder, getting to first base with an alien, the universal habitat for humanity, how to handle your gentleman’s sausage in space, how to have sex in space suits, Antarctica’s semen policy, sour grapes, I get served again, Madcucks’ invoice, Asterios’ got a brand new lolsuit, HeHeSillyComics, and ordering oatmeal at a fancy restaurant; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a…get fucked. Fuck Christmas, fuck turkey, fuck malls, fuck gift receipts, fuck people, fuck Bing Crosby, fuck two weeks off, fuck the good china, and fuck jingle bells. Santa can cram himself up his own asshole to put the cap on one more Xmas closer to the grave. It’s time to holster those charge cards, loosen your waistbands, and unbite your tongues because the season of balancing whiskey and civility amongst friends and loved ones–and those of whom who are morons, has drawn to an end. I like to spend Boxing Day (today) screaming, “Shut the fuck up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” into a Japanese Love Pillow whilst strangling it and also sucking in my gut, and I shall begin doing so momentarily, but first…

Rocket Man is in the studio on his way to Mars to answer your listener-submitted questions about the great mysteries of the universe and beyond. Questions such as, “How do I jerk off in space?” And, “Can I fart myself into space?” and “Is a UFO?” It was a tremendous waste of his time, but everything I learned from SpongeBob tells me that wasting people’s time is the secret to comedy, so here is a hilarious episode wherein I scream at a rocket scientist for not knowing something I think I know.

On the subject of aliens, according to Rocket Man, the odds of human life evolving spontaneously are lower than the chances of an analogy changing someone’s mind. However, I offer this rebuttle, what’s more likely? Human life and all the amino acids and whatever other bullshit that makes up a mortal coil, spontaneously developing over the course of billions of years, or two astronauts jerking each other off through their space suits on the NASA Live Earth From Space YouTube feed as described in this episode. Let me put it another way: which one would you put money on?

Checkmate, Scientists.

Madcucks dusts off his hands and submits an invoice to bury the one Asterios submitted. I hope he also take payment in the form of non-committal texts.

Madcucks Invoice.pdf

And Nick Rekieta and Patreon.com/Asterios team up to hit me with a new lolsuit. Regrettably, I didn’t have much time to review this suit before we recorded the episode, and I hope I didn’t spoil my defense by talking about it live on the air. I will be consulting with Dick Show lawyer Kian Magana before the next episode.

Asterios Rekieta Lolsuit.pdf

Closing re-mix by Dumpster Flames.



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