Tara Ward goes on a wild Easter hunt to find any half-decent free-to-air television over the long weekend.

This Easter’s television viewing is as bleak as a hollow egg that some selfish bastard already pinched the chocolate buttons out of. If you’re relying on terrestrial television this holiday weekend — stuck in a remote bach with no internet or just too lazy to move off the couch to find the remote — then you’re in a stickier situation than a swimming pool filled with half-melted Crème Eggs.

The official forecast is in: the weather will be craptacular, and the television not much better. Luckily I live for danger, and donned my wet weather gear to wade through the best of Easter television, just for you. I tried my hardest, truly I did, but like the bitter taste of regret you get after eating 34 of those tiny but very delicious chocolate rabbits, it didn’t end well.

Good Friday

Good Friday should be renamed Mediocre Friday because there’s shit all to watch. For the sporty beasts among us, there’s the always reliable European Table Tennis (9.15am, Duke). This might be the only exercise you get all weekend, so make the most of Borussia Dusseldorf’s strong wristed challenge against AS Pontoise Clergy as they enter a ping-pongy fight to the death.

What’s that noise? It’s the sound of baby boomers around the country celebrating into their investment portfolios as they discover the whopping two and a half hour episode of Coronation Street tonight (7pm, TVNZ1). Enjoy, the rest of us will spend the evening crying into our smashed avocado on toast.

Saturday

Start your day with a healthy serving of shame, as old mate Jamie Oliver reminds us about the evils of sugar and how we’re going to hell in a oversized handcart made of high-fructose corn syrup (Jamie’s Sugar Rush, 9.30am, Three). Afterwards, turn over to watch Cupcake Wars (10.30am, TVNZ2) while eating your weight in marshmallow eggs, before settling in for the first of two Saturday visits to Coronation Street (12pm, TVNZ1).

Is this glut of bad programming making your gut ache? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind like a ginormous sheet of leopard print chiffon. What better way to spend your Saturday night than with Kelly’s Kloset Kaftans (TVSN, 7.30pm)? Not only will you be supporting a show that prides itself on its krazy use of alliteration, but after eating your feelings for two days solid the only thing you’ll fit is one of these billowy muumuus. I’m ordering four.

Time flies when you’re having fun. Before you realise it’s nine o’clock and time to devour two more glorious episodes of Coronation Street and wonder why Jamie Oliver’s latest crusade isn’t about the hidden dangers of over-exposure to Steve MacDonald.

Easter Sunday

Wahey! Coro’s on at noon!

Complete your Easter Sunday viewing with the Dr Who Christmas Special (7.30pm, Prime), because nothing says ‘Easter’ better than ‘Christmas’.

Easter Monday

Go outside and stand in the rain. I have nothing for you. Not even a lunchtime screening of The Sound of Music WHAT IN THE NAME OF BETTY’S HOTPOTS IS WRONG WITH YOU, NEW ZEALAND TELEVISION?

You’ve been warned. May the gods of ping-pong shine kindly upon you this Easter and may your kaftan survive the gale force winds of Cyclone Cook. Or as Ken Barlow would say, “just buy a book!” Amazing content Ken, we can never get enough.

This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service