Trans Samus and The Metroid Sexual

A Fictional Parable And A Farcical Parody

A 20 year old man-child with the username ‘BigGāmur’ — ‘BG’ for short — wakes up in his childhood bedroom — no, he isn’t ‘visiting’ his parents and yes, he does have a real job! — he blinks a bit staring up at the poster of Ridley on the ceiling. It is one of those hyper realistic ones, it is suppose to look like Riddly might swoop down at any moment!

BG’s room is littered with heap metroid theme memorabilia — posters, model ships, retro consoles, rare misprint amiibos that have two arm cannons instead of one! — it has been like this for as long as he can remember.

Before he gets up to put on his Ridley themed slippers, he turns to give the body pillow of his precious ‘waifu’ a kiss.

Because BG is not a total slob, after he puts on his slippers shaped like ‘the most badass space dragon pirate ever seen’, he tucks in the his sheets. His sheets have a bunch of metroid on them — BG insists that because ‘metroid’ is a Japanese word that it not be made plural with an ‘s’ — in their pixelated form in a nice diagonal pattern, and lays his plain blue comforter.

Not everything has to be about video games!

Okay… You got me… his metroid-themed blanket with an 16-bit Mother Brain is in the wash, but whatever! Point still stands!

BG slops over to his rig, plops in his chair, and stops to wait for his computer to load.

He runs chrome, then stops… again… for his computer to load… again.

BG watches random youtube videos until one of his internet cohort, who had the username ‘GodOfWhores’ — or ‘GW’ — messages him.

GW: READ THIS. [GW links BG to an article titled: Samus Is Trans Confirmed] BG: is this another meme, that last 1 was really lame, it started mkaing fun of peepel, or whatev, but then took that weerd implausable turn and become just asburd GW: NO. GW: THIS’S ~O F F I C I A L~! GW: IT’S FROM ~N I N T E N D O~! GW: ~R E A D~ IT! >:[

BG clicked the link. It was a press release. Who he thought was a ‘she’ has been a ‘he’. He is so shocked he has to mouth the words of the article.

BG glances at his body pillow and holds back gagging.

BG: does this mean I have been gettin off to a dude this whole time? GW: GAY! BG: This is a consperacy GW: ~E X A C T L Y~! GW: THE SJWS ~M A D E~ SAMUS HAVE A DICK! BG: Who cares bout that, I seriesously thought Samus was a like some sorta transdude or something, so to me, this just means samus is a feemale now who careas BG: I am talkin buot this line::“Creators of the Metroid also confirmed, that to no one’s surprise that Ridley does in fact identify as a man.” BG: That came as a surpised to me! GW: … GW: Is… GW: that… GW: …a joke…

BG had not told a joke. Only a moment later he would however pretend that he had. BG would never tell another soul.

It would be funny if someone had an obsession with Metroid and somehow though Riddley was a female. It would be funnier if you thought Samus would be less awesome as trans.