Photograph by Reza Estakhrian / Getty

Bryerson Global, the world’s leading employer of people in your chosen field, is seeking candidates with your exact skill set, but not you, to add to our growing team of associates. We’re offering a benefits package and generous compensation to individuals with slightly more experience than you, regardless of how much experience you have, unless you’re the most experienced candidate to apply for this position, in which case we’ll settle for someone with much less.

The ideal applicant is dynamic and creative, with a proven track record of innovation and a face that looks nothing like yours.

Responsibilities

All of the tasks that you were hired to perform at your last place of employment; all the extra tasks you took on at your last place of employment hoping that the added experience would make you competitive for advancement; and several tasks that don’t normally accompany this position but just happen to align with your specific life experience and hobbies, but with one seemingly arbitrary difference that will instantly disqualify you from consideration.

Qualifications

• The exact degree you have, but from a different college.

• Knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel, and some other crazy program that you would need to already work here to have ever heard of.

• Enthusiasm for the field, but not the way you are expressing enthusiasm; some other way.

• Familiarity with the field-specific program-management tool you actually helped develop at your last job, and a birthday that falls on any day of the year other than yours does.

• Exceptional writing and presentation skills, and a familiarity with key concepts discussed in your eighth-grade English class on the day you missed to get your braces adjusted because you insisted on eating Milk Duds.

• Ability to integrate with a team that quickly bonds over shared fandom of a series of young-adult fantasy novels you haven’t read, who then lose enthusiasm for the series just as you start reading it, instead embracing a television show on a streaming service to which you do not subscribe.

• Being self-motivated, high-energy, and someone else.

Location

Bryerson Global’s headquarters is located in a major metropolitan area just far enough away from your parents that you could see them occasionally without feeling obligated to see them all the time. Our offices are an easy commute from a very hip, up-and-coming neighborhood you haven’t heard of yet, with an exciting night-life scene and extremely affordable rent. Your soul mate presently resides there. She’s everything you ever wanted in a partner, and she’s currently enduring the local dating scene but longing for you. Soon she’ll grow tired of waiting and settle for someone else, and, on her wedding day, as she’s walking down the aisle toward him, she’ll wonder if she’s doing the right thing, before deciding that she should be happy that she found anyone at all. He’s not perfect, but he’ll do. Actually, that guy is exactly who we’re looking for to fill this position.

Please Note

Candidates named Tom Batten are encouraged to apply, as long as they are not the specific Tom Batten we’re thinking about. Candidates named Tom Batten who can prove that they are not the Tom Batten we’re thinking about will be considered regardless of education level, experience, criminal record, or ability to work legally in the United States, and will be treated to a nice slice of cake after being interviewed.