LOW LIBRARY – On Monday, Columbia President Lee Bollinger announced a new commitment to procuring adjuncts subjected to humane treatment. “It’s time for the adjunct-farming industry to accept basic modern standards of morality,” Bollinger said. “In 2016, it’s unbelievable that we still treat our adjuncts so heartlessly. It’s just not natural.”

The move was spurred by an investigative video filmed by activists. The footage showed horrific conditions, with adjuncts bleating violently every day in airless transport cars and confined to tiny, cockroach-filled spaces about the size of an average New York studio apartment. The teachers’ diet consisted almost entirely of inorganic feed produced by the chemicals company Maruchan.

Student groups advocating for free-range, grass-fed adjuncts—ethically sourced from a local farm upstate—claim that beyond ethical issues, the health of the student body is a major concern. Adjunct meat has been described as “wiry and chewy,” and is reported to contain trace amounts of cocaine, LSD, and crippling financial dread.

As of press time, President Bollinger was seen herding a flock of adjuncts, enjoying their daily graze, back into Low Library.