NEW YORK CITY (AP) – After a journey spanning 5 years and over 100,000 nautical miles, a liberal research vessel has finally returned home to the New York harbor from which it originally launched. After stopping in 197 countries and interviewing over 50,000 people, the researchers report that they were unable to locate anyone who was not entitled to US health care, welfare payments, or voting rights.

Lead researcher, world-renowned journalist Henry Morton Stanley, explained that he considered the mission a “success.”

“It started off as a dream,” said Stanley, a tear coming to his eye. “A dream of spreading mercy and kindness abroad to those who deserved it but weren’t getting it. We were looking to see if maybe – just maybe – someone who didn’t have the good luck to be born within America’s borders might be deserving to share in some of the perks and goodies that others seem to be entitled to for a mere accident of geography. We didn’t know what we’d find. We thought one, or maybe two percent of our interviewees would be worthy. Before we left, some ‘Occupy’ veterans even joked it’d be ‘99%’. What we found was beyond our wildest imaginings! EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE TALKED TO – and we talked to thousands – met our criteria to be entitled to an endless stream of US government benefits. Not just those fortunate few with American Privilege. Everybody.”

Addressing skepticism from statisticians who were likely on the payroll of the same shadowy cabal of Russians that owns President Trump, Stanley called the criticism “unfounded”.

“There will always be those who refuse to accept facts,” Stanley said. “One critic even compared our ‘100%’ finding to the sorts of outcomes one sees in rigged election in third-world ratholes like Cuba or Detroit. But that’s not it at all. Our organization, ‘Socialists Without Borders,’ has only one goal: fairness. We want to give things to people according to their needs – after we get it from the undeserving rich according to our ability to get new government-funded programs created. We have a lot of compassion, so it’s not surprising that we can see all people in all lands as simply human beings. Human beings who deserve American stuff.”

“There was one time, though,” said Stanley, “when we thought we’d finally found a ‘non-qualifier’. We’d stumbled across this one guy wearing a bomb belt and yelling ‘death to America!’ He just didn’t sound interested in what we had to offer. But after we explained that not only would he get free stuff, but he’d also be able to throw a wrench into the infidel’s elections, too, he was all like ‘Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!‘ and seemed very much on board with the program. Until he dropped the trigger to his bomb belt and blew himself up. Oh well. At least he can still vote in Chicago.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Oppo contributed to this story]

—–

< Authorities Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand for Not Catering Gay Wedding

Like this: Like Loading...