One-Minute Melee!

Where research means nothing when you just want to watch two people fight!

Two fighters! Sixty seconds! And NO research!



GO!



(Somewhere in Nevada)



As always, things were dark and dreary in the Nevada wastelands. A foreboding and ever-present stench of death hung over a large organization building. No one really knew what this particular organization did, but considering they had a vast amount of (highly disposable) armed guards around every turn in and around the building, they were obviously either a big company or hiding something even bigger.



A security guard, one shown without arms, legs or even a neck, wandered away from his post at the front door and over to a nearby, ever-present hotdog stand. The guard silently held up a finger, signaling to the hotdog vendor that he wanted something to eat. As the vendor grabbed a hotdog and spread some relish on it, the guard pulled a cigarette from his pocket and stuck it in his invisible mouth.



Suddenly, a laser shot by, striking the tip of the cigarette and igniting it, causing the guard to nearly drop it out of his mouth in surprise. He turned to look and see what had just lit up his cigarette…



…And received a running punch to the face. The guard flew backwards, flying back-first into the side of the building, his lit cigarette discarded like trash. The hotdog vendor, hotdog in hand, stood in silence at the scene as he looked at the newcomer.



Standing with a huge, toothy grin on his face was a pudgy, bald man wearing a white shirt, black pants and a tie. The man, his back turned to the vendor, turned his head 180 degrees to look at the hotdog in the vendor’s hand. Turning his body around to line up with his head, the man reached into his pocket, pulled out some change, tossed it on the counter of the hotdog stand and took the hotdog out of the vendor’s hand.



The man, known only as “Dad”, munched on the hotdog as he fished a letter from his pocket. He scanned it over, reading the directions Hank had left for him.



The note read “Dear Idiot, here’s a picture of the clown you need to kill. You want to prove that anyone can do my job? Time to make good.” Signed from Hank, with a picture of a green-skinned clown creature attached to the letter. “PS, if you see anyone with a cigarette in their mouth, kill them too. It’s kind of what we do.”



Dad and Hank had challenged each other to do the other’s job for a day. Dad would go clear out the government building and destroy Tricky the zombie clown, while Hank would go to Dad’s office building, do some paperwork and then proceed to obliterate everything in the most destructive way possible.



Opening his mouth, Dad shoved the letter inside, never dropping his ever-present grin. Rearing back, Dad was off like a shot, flying towards the open door to the building…And then proceeded to burst through the wall BESIDE the door.



Inside, guards were already running for their lives. Dad was obviously nowhere near as violent with the guards as Hank was, but the way Dad just plowed through everyone with reckless abandon made nowhere safe to hide. Steel doors were blown off their hinges, solid walls suddenly had Dad-shaped holes and dazed guard bodies were strewn everywhere after Dad had gone through.



Dad was in the process of clearing out another hallway when he came to a screeching halt (seriously, he left some tire-like skid marks on the floor with his feet) when he heard what sounded like club music coming from the wall. Dad approached the wall and placed the side of his head up to it. Indeed, it sounded like there was some club music coming from the room through the wall. Grinning, Dad pulled his head back and lashed it out.



Two dancing guards suddenly jumped in shock when Dad’s grinning face broke through the concrete wall in between them. Dad’s head glanced around as the guards darted off, scanning the nightclub on the other side of the wall before setting his sights on the DJ booth, or rather the green, clown-like being operating the DJ booth in the first place.



Dad burst through the wall the rest of the way, getting the attention of Tricky and causing the zombie clown monster to stop scratching records. Tricky and Dad looked at each other in silence for a moment, Tricky tilting his head in confusion after a few seconds. Dad responded by reaching into his mouth, pulling out Hanl’s letter, folding it up and tossing it like a paper airplane, which soared through the air and landed on one of Tricky’s records.



Tricky curiously picked up the letter and silently read in to himself a couple of times. The instant he got to Hank’s name, however, the clown ducked as Dad flew overhead in a flying kick, wide grin and all. As Dad worked at pulling his leg free, as it had gotten itself lodged in the wall, Tricky bounded off the ceiling a couple of times as he jumped over his DJ Booth and landed on his feet, already starting to twitch violently.



Dad in the meantime, finally popped his leg out of the wall. Kicking off the wall, Dad backflipped through the air and over Tricky’s DJ Booth, landing gracefully on his feet. Dad spun around and got into a stance as he faced Tricky, his dumb-looking grin never faltering even though it looked like Tricky was ready for bloodshed.



As the two faced each other, guards ran around the nightclub, screaming in terror as they tried to escape the carnage. It seemed that there was only one way this would end…



HOW DO YOU DECAPITATE SOMEONE WITH NO NECK, ANYWAY?

FIGHT!



(60 Seconds)



Tricky acted first, moving across the floor so fast that it looked like he was teleporting. Appearing directly in front of Dad, Tricky pounced and lashed out with disembodied hands, striking the bald man with a flurry of punches. Dad received a few blows to the face and chest before Tricky grabbed his neck and tried to rip his face off. Dad acted quickly and grabbed Tricky’s arm, stopping the pulling.



Dad looked at Tricky, opened his mouth and ejected a blade from inside it. The long place pierced Tricky’s shoulder area, forcing him to let go of Dad. Dad, opting not to use his sword yet, pushed the blade back into his mouth before removing the weapon completely. Dad grinned, planted his feet on the ground and leaned forward. Tricky suddenly saw flames emitting from Dad’s feet.



Dad slid forward on the floor on nothing but what looked like rocket boosters coming from his feet. Dad plowed headfirst into Tricky, grabbed him and carried the zombie clown through the solid concrete wall, creating a Dad-and-Tricky-shaped hold in the wall. Dad ended up pushing Tricky through the walls of three different rooms before letting go, causing Tricky to fly back-first into the wall of what looked like a kitchen.



Trick popped himself out of the wall as Dad came flying at him again. Tricky crouched low and jumped straight up, bouncing off the ceiling and floor a few times before landing on his feet again. Dad, having flown into the wall when Tricky jumped the first time, pushed himself off and spun around to face the twitching zombie clown again. Dad quickly caught Tricky’s fist, as the clown was attempting a sucker-punch, and held Tricky there.



(50 Seconds)



Rather than try to wrench his hand free from Dad’s grip, Tricky grabbed his arm with his other hand, lifted Dad off the ground and started slamming him into the floor, showing amazing strength due to Dad being the far-heavier of the two. Tricky continued to swing Dad around for a few seconds before throwing Dad into the floor, letting go and jumping on the fat man’s back while he was down.



Dad, however, wasn’t down for the count yet. Dad, with Tricky on his back, jumped to his feet, and then jumped into the ceiling, breaking through it and moving to a room on the next floor up. As guards continued to run away in terror, Dad let go of Tricky in midair and delivered a spinning kick to the clown’s torso in midair, sending Tricky flying into the floor as Dad landed on his feet after performing a few midair spins.



Tricky, twitching extremely-violently by this point, jumped to his feet and spun around to face Dad, throwing himself at the fat man and grabbing him, flying through the wall and into yet another room. Kicking off Dad in midair and this time sending Dad crashing headfirst into the floor with enough force to break through it and go back down to the basement level. Tricky quickly jumped down after Dad to continue the fight.



Landing on his feet, Tricky scanned the new room for Dad, only to received a briefcase to the face from the side. As Tricky spun in the air a few times and landed flat on his face, Dad stepped up, spinning his briefcase in his hand as if it were a weapon. Tricky got up, and Dad swung again, striking the clown with enough force to send Tricky flying through another wall, and another, and then another. Tricky flew through five complete rooms before finally landing on his face and screeching to a halt.



(40 Seconds)



Jumping to his feet in anger, Tricky turned to stare at Dad through the ten walls he had just flown through before jumping into the floor. Out of the hole Tricky create rose a stop sign, which tore through the floor and through the walls again, charging towards Dad like a train. Plowing through the walls, the sign closed the gap between Tricky and Dad in a matter of a couple of seconds.



Dad received a sign to the face, and the instant the sign made contact with Dad, Tricky burst out of the floor, holding the sign like a club. Tricky swung the sign a few times, striking Dad and dazing the fat man with a few well-placed blows to the head with the stop sign. Tricky landed on his feet, then swung the sign upwards, striking Dad in the chin and knocking him into the air, providing Tricky with the chance to use the sign like a baseball bat, striking Dad in midair and sending him flying into a wall.



Seeing Dad slowly getting to his feet, Tricky jumped at him and swung his stop sign down, preparing to finish the fat man off. However, Tricky’s attack was met with strong resistance, and when the clown looked, he saw the blade sticking out of Dad’s mouth again, parrying Tricky’s stop sign and keeping the zombie clown in the air for a few seconds before Dad delivered a right hook to the zombie clown’s face, knocking him away.



Dad ejected his sword from his mouth, catching the handle with his hands and rushing at Tricking, swinging his weapon horizontally. Tricky held up the stop sign and managed to block the blow, and then swung with his own weapon. The two were locked in a stalemate of showering sparks every time they swung their weapons, each being unable to land a hit due to the other blocking or deflecting the blow with his own weapon.



(30 Seconds)



After a few more seconds of clashing and trying to come out on top of the power struggle, Dad caught Tricky off guard and knocked the clown backwards a couple of steps after parrying another blow from the stop sign. Taking his chance, Dad swung his sword and caught the stop sign with it, throwing it out of Tricky’s hands and causing it to become lodged in the wall, but not enough to slice it in half somehow.



Although he was now without a weapon, Tricky had never let that stop him before. Jumping over a sword swing from Dad, Tricky moved around the fatter fighter as Dad swung several more times, trying to land a hit but finding the zombie clown to be too agile to strike. Tricky managed to grab hold of Dad’s sword by the blade and yanked it out of Dad’s hands. Tricky silently tossed the sword in the air to himself, catching it by the handle. Now Dad was the one unarmed.



Dad jumped and ducked around Tricky’s wild swings. Tricky’s attack patterns were already wild and erratic, but with a sword in his hands things just got even more hectic, and Dad found himself having to move as fast as he could to avoid getting his with his own sword. Tricky, seeing Dad swerving around another sword swing and attempting a sucker punch, caught Dad’s fist and clocked the fat man with a powerful blow in retaliation.



The force from Tricky’s punch sent Dad flying through the wall. Dad slid to a halt and suddenly realized he was in the kitchen again. Dad set his sights on a mug of coffee a random mook was holding in his hand, shot out a Yoshi-like tongue, attached it to the weirded-out mook’s mug and pulled it back into his mouth. Dad leaned his head back and let the coffee in the mug pour down his throat with one gulp.



(20 Seconds)



Tricky flew through the hole in the wall to continue the fight, but was thrown back when Dad was engulfed in an explosion, throwing Dad’s sword from his grasp. When the smoke cleared, Dad was standing there, still smiling, now with a flaming head. Dad grinned, reared back and raced at Tricky again, the flames on his head struggling to keep up with him. Dad jumped at Tricky, grabbed him and threw him into the air, jumping up after him and delivering a wild flurry of rapid-fire punches.



Acting quickly, Tricky grabbed Dad’s fist while the fatter fighter was in the process of throwing a punch, stopping the attack. Tricky spun in midair and hurled Dad into the ground, following up the attack by spinning and landing feet-first onto Dad’s back. Dad’s flames still burned bright, however, and while he was on the floor he simply slammed a fist down, creating a small explosion that knocked Tricky off of him with the force from the blast.



Dad pulled both fists back after getting to his feet, rushing Tricky and lashing out with a flurry of punches that would make Kenshiro jealous. Still, Tricky was showing that he had amazing reflexes and was swerving around to avoid every blow, despite looking a little worn out by this point. He may have been starting to get tired, but Dad was officially annoying him now, and when you annoy Tricky, he gets even more determined to kill you.



Ducking under a blow from Dad, Tricky swung his own fist, catching Dad in the face. His body twitching at an inhuman rate, Tricky lashed out with every punch he could muster as fast as he could, which was still surprisingly fast for a zombie.



Dad received blow after blow from the undead maniac and was finally knocked to the ground, landing flat on his back, after Tricky delivered a final uppercut. Seeing his opponent down, Tricky approached Dad’s prone form, his hands twitching violently and looking ready to have fun tearing this persistent opponent limb from limb.



Suddenly, Dad’s head snapped up, staring into Tricky’s soulless face.



And he was still smiling.



(10 Seconds)



Before Tricky had time to think, Dad was up. Hacking his briefcase out of his mouth, Dad rushed Tricky and clubbed him with it. Because the briefcase was the most-powerful weapon in Dad’s arsenal (don’t ask how; we don’t know), Tricky was knocked senseless with every blow across the face with the accursed attaché case. Somewhere in Dad’s crazed onslaught, Tricky had been struck with enough force to knock the metal mask off, revealing a zombie jaw. Tricky roared at Dad in fury before Dad slapped him with the briefcase again.



Dad sprung off the ground and leapt headfirst into Tricky, grabbing him by the neck. Tricky was so dazed that he couldn’t even make the attempt to stop Dad as the fat man pulled his arm back and hurled Tricky through the ceiling. Giving a wide grin, Dad leapt up after the zombie clown, plowing through the ceiling as well. Dad flew through floor after floor, following Tricky until both fighters had gone through the top floor and were now flying in the air a hundred feet above the building itself.



(5…)



Dad arrived at Tricky in midair, pulling his fist back.



(4…)



Dad swung his fist down, striking the airborne Tricky and sending the zombie clown straight down.



(3…)



Tricky flew headlong towards the government building, with no way to slow the fall down.



(2…)



Tricky fell through the roof of the building, not stopping as he continued going through floor after floor.



(1…)



This obviously meant that the only thing that would stop Tricky was the bottom floor. Tricky hit the ground with a thunderous smash.



KO!



The force from Tricky flying through all of the levels in the building and hitting the ground caused a shockwave that was so massive that the government building crumbled down around itself, burying Tricky and every mook inside in rubble.



Dad, in the meantime, fell headlong towards the ruins of the now-collapsed building. Readying himself for landing, Dad landed gracefully on his feet, somehow perfectly okay despite falling a hundred feet. His grin still unchanging, Dad adjusted his tie and looked around. He saw Tricky’s torso sticking out of the ground, his feet dangling in the air. Half of Tricky was now underground, and that told Dad that the fight was done with.



His job done, Dad reared back and prepared to leave, ready to go home and stick it to Hank. However, just before he did something caught his eye. Turning his head, Dad saw Tricky’s DJ booth, somehow the only thing in the building that was still standing.



Curiously, Dad wandered over to the booth and got behind it. Dad experimentally put a record on the turntable and started it up.



A remix of the Chicken Dance started playing through the turntables. Dad bobbed his head to the beat a few times before happily grabbing a set of headphones, putting them on and enthusiastically jamming out.



Despite, you know, no one actually being alive to hear it.



This melee’s winner is…



DAD (AKA “DJ Breadwinner”)