Leo Caldwell

As a transgender parent, I have a unique perspective from which to observe and disassemble how gender affects my child. What I find most disturbing is the consistency in which I hear about the differences between boys and girls at a very young age.

The idea that genders are naturally different in abilities, personalities and cognition is preached like the gospel. The division of gender is destructive and there are ways to help degender a gendered world.

The birth of a child is often swaddled in the anticipation of the gender declaration. “It’s a girl!” What tremendous pressure we put on an infant with those few words. Our culture eliminates half their possibilities before they can even walk.

As the child grows their gender and gender-appropriate behaviors are repeatedly reinforced through casual conversation. “Isn’t he such a rough and tumble boy?” Through gender-schematic processing, they learn which attributes society links with each gender and then which apply to their gender and to themselves. “I’ve been told I’m a boy and boys are rough so I must be rough.”

During my short time as a parent, I’ve heard the following from other parents, relatives and teachers: “Girls are harder to raise.” “Boys are easy.” “Girls tend to be calmer.” “She has been really mouthy lately.” “He has a lot of energy because he is a boy.”

What I find most disturbing is how often I hear boys being excused of behaviors and girls being accused of behaviors. Those moments hit me hard. I realize this is where it starts. This is where the inequality and rape culture begin planting their seeds.

The boys are hearing the message, “Your bad behavior is excused because you’re a boy,” while the girls are hearing, “Your bad behavior is not excused because you are a girl.” This terrifies me. These subtle messages create a ripple of inequality.

Beyond the social implication of applying gendered personality attributes, heavily gendering children limits their expression of self.

Psychologist Sandra Lipsitz Bem points out, “The gender schema becomes a prescriptive standard or guide, and self-esteem becomes it hostage.” With my child, I attempt to allow them to decide their preferences and qualities but they are heavily influenced and policed by our culture. The cashier will offer the appropriate alternative when picking out a toy that isn’t deemed “appropriate” for their gender presentation. The simple task of picking a toy becomes gendered.

Needless to say, it’s driving me insane. So what do I do to combat this?

My kid is a toddler, so I’ve explained in the best way I can that some boys are girls and some girls are boys and some people are neither or both. It seems this concept was easy to grasp and it opens the possibilities for them. If you can be any gender, then it seems possible to pick attributes from all genders for yourself.

Kids love to ask if someone is a boy or girl when they first start understanding gender. All a part of the gender-schema processing! When my child asks if someone is a boy or girl, I say, “It’s a person.” If they persist, which they do, I say, “We haven’t asked if they think of themselves as a boy or girl so we don’t know.” These are small things but it really has opened up conversations and options for them.

Finally, we must as a society squash any conversation that girls or boys are more or less difficult to raise. Until you’ve raised every child in the world, you can’t declare which gender is more difficult, smarter, braver, stronger, etc.

If we continue to send the message that “boys are just being boys” and “girls are difficult” then we will continue to see excessive inequality between genders. Let’s stop the messages of division and inequality, starting with our children.

Leo Caldwell is a transman, husband and writer.