PHOTOGRAPH BY MARTIN PARR/MAGNUM

O.K., so my ex just walked in and she’s with her new boyfriend and I really really really don’t want to be drawn into a conversation with them or even say hello or that her new haircut looks nice and that I’ve actually always been super-attracted to women with short hair like her friend Mitzi so I guess I’ll just type away at this blank doc I’ve had open for over an hour well I guess it’s not blank anymore ha ha wow does it feel good to laugh again oh she’s laughing now too god is it at me has she already seen right through me pretending that I’m finally having a breakthrough with my novel grtuxbvf sorry looked up from the computer for a second and I could tell from his expression when she squeezed his arm that this isn’t the first time he’s made her laugh it took me months to get used to her arm squeezes because her grip is surprisingly strong and always triggered memories of that time I got stuck in the machine they sometimes have at the supermarket that lets you take your own blood pressure it was very traumatic and would definitely be incorporated into my novel if doing so wouldn’t violate the terms of the settlement after all that settlement is the very thing that allows me to spend my days writing the Great American Novel and buying that fancy coffee with the leaf thing in the foam and tipping when the cute barista smiles at me wow if only Stephanie could see me with that cute barista holy cow is she still laughing irudhxkcnsyweq was his joke about how they’re taking way too long to order and should just leave or how stupid he looks in that suit I don’t know if it’s Armani but he sure looks ArFUNi in it ha ha man I’m glad Stephanie can’t read this because her head would probably explode from all the laughing ha ha and also because she would know that I’m not hard at work on the novel I told her I was almost done with in the five minutes of small talk we shared before she said that she was definitely done with me at this very coffee shop at the very table klirtufmbshzpokmevxrp she is now sitting at with her new boyfriend oh come on who is this guy oh great now my hands are totally cramping up ugh is this how you know heartbreak is real when you can feel it in your hands note “the heartbreak was so real he could feel it in his hands” would make a great opening line for my novel maybe I can just sneak into the bathroom and hang out there until they’re gone cool cool looks like the toilet is totally free for me to ueuajdbzbqqoe fantastic the person who ordered a red eye and a bran muffin just walked in there boy am I trapped I’ll tell you I haven’t felt this trapped since I got stuck in that blood-pressure-testing machine though now that I think about it I also felt pretty trapped when Stephanie asked me to imagine how she felt in our relationship when we were sitting at that table mdmxhxsoajkrenxxh where she is now smooching Captain Moneybags who probably doesn’t have to get his arm stuck in anything to pay his rent big deal at least I had the decency to keep my eyes open when we kissed not like this jerk who’d rather stare at his eyelids what are they lined with golden Picasso paintings and pictures of caviar ha ha oh man that was probably my chance to sneak out of here unnoticed O.K. this is getting ridiculous it’s time for me to swallow my pride and go tell them how well my novel is coming along yeah this is it the moment I show Stephanie that I’m doing all right actually more than all right I have this life thing figured out and I’m putting myself out there and writing more than ever I’m a good well-adjusted guy and I’m going to prove that right now. After I check Facebook.