And if they don't, Republican lawmakers are going to have eleventy billion investigations and be on every single news program every single week talking about how crooked it all is that the Republican National Committee will be in charge of deciding which emails to turn over and which ones to withhold. Why, Rep. Chaffetz is even now booking rooms for the hearings. Why? Because classified information, of course:

The chief effect of using the RNC server in the Bush years was to leave investigators who wanted to know more about the origins of the Iraq War in the dark—for years. It remains impossible to determine whether Bush staffers ever sent classified material over the RNC system.

You may also recognize the Republican National Committee as one of the organizations infiltrated by Russian hackers during the recent campaign, according to American intelligence officials, though for some reason the information the hackers gained was never promoted relentlessly in Russian propaganda outlets or by (cough) unaffiliated leak-dispensing organizations. So there's also the question as to whether the new administration's private email accounts have already been compromised by foreign hackers, which was another big, huge, fat-as-a-hippo deal only a dozen or so weeks ago.

They needn't bother, though. International hackers have a much easier avenue of accessing what's going on in the Oval Office now: Donald Trump's personal phone. He has refused to give up his insecure Android phone while in the White House, which means foreign hackers can now get their information directly from … Trump himself.

Anyhoo, I'm sure we'll all be getting to the bottom of this. Fox News, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and all those other goddamn patriots—they won't let this stand. Integrity is what their party—nay, their entire movement—is all about, and there's no way yada yada and so on and so forth and oh my God, Trump voters, you got played so damn bad. And you don't even care, do you. It's all a game, from top to bottom. As long as you get your laws against Muslims and Mexicans and some rich pretentious shit you saw on television gets a tax cut, you don't give a flying damn about the rest of it. Sean Hannity is laughing at you when he goes to sleep at night. They’re mocking you. They don't just think you're dumb—they counted on it all along.