As i’m typing this, the boy who inspired this post is sending me funny and endearing snapchats while on the train to New York, in true Millenial fashion.

Maybe it’s the fact that today is the first sunny day in a really long time, or that the ending the school year has me in a particularly reflective mood, but I wanted to share a bit about what i have learned so far from this boy I started dating recently, in hopes of creating/maintaining my own space. Because, as a young queer person, there is absolutely no guide whatsoever on what are good, healthy dating habits. here a few things that I have learned from my last three years of dating as a young gay man:

1. First dates should be in public spaces

No, i don’t want to go meet you at your dorm room at 3 am to ‘hang out’. I cannot stress how important this is. Unless you were already good friends and are going to a pre-agreed upon event within a private space, you really should strive for a first date in a public space. Coffee shops. Tea Shops. Art museums. Record shops. Walking around a park or square during the day. Even bars are better meeting places than “my apartment” and “the park at night” (no joke, these are places i’ve gone on ‘dates’ before noping the f*ck out). In my experience, public dates are great for two reasons : 1) you can get a feel for how comfy someone is in their own queerness and their own skin and 2) You are not obligated to stay if you are uncomfortable and are not having fun. I cannot stress how many times i’ve been stoked to meet a handsome guy or someone who sounds interesting, only to find them with eyes darting back and forth every two minutes at the coffee shop, hoping they won’t be recognized. Like, calm down, we are just grabbing coffee, not leading the SF pride parade.

2. Be honest about what you are expecting from the person

Look, I’m not saying go up to a guy you just went on a second date with and tell them “ Hey buddy, btw, I’m trying to find a husband rn, and just so you know my tía said you looked like a nice boy when i showed her your picture, so you are a pretty good candidate atm”. Rather, what I mean is, don’t play games. The liberating thing about being a young queer is that we are already defying societies’ cisheteronormative expectations of what dating is like by proxy of being queer, we are free to define and create the dating experiences we wish to have. Skip out on the ‘no double-texting’ and ‘imagined non-chalant’ bullsh*t, and if you are having a fun time, let the other person know. communicate. send them funny snapchats. double text, within reason. Be honest about how you are feeling, even if you are feeling confused, rushed, or exhilarated, because you’ve spent too long keeping quiet to miss out on any more awesome experiences and conversations.

3. Know yourself

In the words of the Queen Mother Rupaul herself, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”, and boy do I agree. As queer people, many times we feel that the first thing we want to do after coming out (in varying degrees) is get into a relationship, in order to ‘validate’ our queerness. And while that works for some people, you really shouldn’t get into a romantic/sexual relationship with someone just for the sake of doing it. I mean, I am by no means trying to be preachy, I am totally guilty of this too. But rather, when we are so quick and willing to give our love and our bodies to people, we often times give them to people who are not ready or do not deserve them, who do not value or respect their multitudes. I myself am guilty of this, and a lot of the violence and trauma I have faced in dating as a young queer person has stemmed from looking for happiness in other people and jumping into unhealthy relationships too quickly because of the weight and importance that media and society at large conflates upon the notion of being in a relationship with someone. I think the most fulfilling relationships are those in which each person is their own happy, complete individual that chooses to embark on a mutually enriching journey with another person. I would argue that knowing oneself is a pretty big life goal in general, with many complicated avenues along the way, but really essential to happy living. That also means when you are not having a fun time or feel like your time, your body, mind or emotions are not being given the respect they so deserve, being able to remove yourself from the situation in a calm and healthy manner.

4. Don’t be afraid to be silly (read; yourself)

I know, I know, this is the corniest piece of advice ever. And who am I to even say that any of this advice is even valid? Before this current boy, all the men I’ve dated have either been deeply closeted, manipulative or just plain FUCKING INSANE. But I think that’s all the more reason why I think this one is the most important one on this list of things I re-realized over the last few dates. Because, if you can’t handle my genuine love for acoustic covers, poetry, cartoons and mix-cd’s, then you definitely won’t appreciate the way I shine when everybody has told me my light isn’t special enough. And I expect (read ; hope) to find someone to be my best friend, encouraging my weird idiosyncrasies and hearty laughter, rather than settling for anything less than what I know I deserve.

So, as this post is already entirely too long, I will return to writing papers and composing my next mix-CD for this new kid, who just might shine with my kind of light…

Thanks for reading :)