I so slept in on Sunday. Typically I am blogging on Sundays but after a brutal two weeks at work, making sure everyone in my city was prepped for Valentine’s Day, I just did not have it in me. Plus, I woke with the worst wrist and shoulder pain, convinced I slept wrong. It only occurred to me this morning when I still had it that it is probably work related.

I am a brazilian bikini waxer and I have injured myself, terribly. I did it for you. I do it for all of you.

But aside from that I feel like I need to take this opportunity to share and educate some people about what doing this for a living can be like. It’s all fun and games for those having it done (I kid, I kid) but you need to know some things about what’s in your pants, ladies. And while all my memories are fresh, I am going to run down some stories and bullets points because, yall need to spread this info around for me. I was also unable to drink them away in one day. I could write a book but, more often than not-I try to erase memories quickly or I would never get out of bed to face another sea of vaginas for money.

I am going to run down a couple scenarios first to preface my bullet points. All 4 of these happened this past week. This is a mere snapshot. I could give more but I think these four encompass my message for today.

I will tell the two mildest then, the two worst because the latter happened in the same 20 minute time span. Also, worth noting that I am skilled and fast and my clients appreciate that. If you have ever had a 45-60 minute brazilian you will understand why skill and speed are most important. And on that note, if you currently get this done and it takes 30 minutes or more, you need to find a better waxer. So that is why my wrist is dead. I book a client every 15 minutes because my service takes 10. That’s 5 minutes for undressing, wiping and dressing left for you. Times that by 4 in an 8 hour day and, dead wrist and shoulder.

The first lady is a regular. I should also take this time to mention that I work two evenings per week. When you work the evenings, you get clients who have been at work all day and perhaps have forgotten the adventures the things in their pants have been through throughout the day. I provide baby wipes in my room, with a sign instructing to use them. In spite of this, many still don’t for some reason and it is baffling to me. Or maybe they use them but not everywhere I will be.

By adventures I mean sweating, discharging and pooping (fair warning, from here on out, things are going to be gross. This is my life). They work out at lunch time and maybe forget that happened? They pooped after lunch and forgot that happened? They are a heavy discharger and forget that’s a thing they do? I don’t know. I don’t know why you would have your entire vulva and butthole exposed to a person and not run down a time table in your mind of what you did with those areas prior to seeing me but, some people don’t.

Back to the regular lady. She is a heavy discharger. Hey, it happens. Vaginas are self cleaning machines (PLEASE NOTE: VAGINAS ARE-VULVAS ARE NOT. PLEASE LEARN THE DIFFERENCE) And for some of us that discharge just ends up in your panties, NBD. But for others, it begins to accumulate in the folds of your inner labia. Ya. It does. So please, wipe thoroughly before your wax if you cannot bathe. When bathing, USE SOAP ON YOUR VULVA with your hand to make sure you are getting the folds. Because this lady had such a build up it is hard to imagine that was from just one day. I feel like it was two days of not showering but, I digress.

So, I will spare some of the details but, let’s just say that there was so much that when I did a pull of a strip from her outer labia there was enough smegma build up that CHUNKS OF IT FLEW OFF FROM THE VIBRATION OF THE WAX PULL. That fucking happened to me this week. Do you really want to make that happen to another person you are putting in charge of caring for your grooming? Please no.

Before I continue because this applies to most of the stories I have:

I read women on the internet saying (and, sometimes in person) “My doctor said not to use soap on your vagina”. This is true! You should never put soap in your vagina. Your vagina does not need cleaning. No douching either if we don’t all know this by now. BUT YOUR VULVA NEEDS SOAP. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. RINSING WITH WATER IS NOT ENOUGH. DO YOU UNDERSTAND???? Your vulva is NOT your vagina. Soap. Please.

Now for a milder story but, whatever-it’s a public service announcement from waxers all over the world:

It hurts. We know. It also hurts more if you are not having it done monthly or shave between visits. I don’t feel like explaining why because I do it 4000000 a day. Just trust us. It gets better. But if you are someone like this next lady who insists on only doing it once or twice a year-please know, the shit is going to hurt and wear your big girl panties because I am not here to spend an hour with you while you get your shit together. This is not cause for screaming. You knew why you were coming. You called ME. I did not force this on you. Act like an adult. “Ouching”-totally fine. Acting like I am stabbing you? Not fine.

So here I am with miss-once-a-year and she cannot control her limbs because she is so dead-set on exaggerating her feelings that I have already been kicked twice before I get to her ass-crack. At which point I then get KNEED IN THE FACE. So, the message of this story is, buck up or GTFO. This is no different than getting a tattoo and then yelling about the pain. It is inherently at least mildly painful, its 2016-you have the internet, you know this. Also, if you kick your waxer twice and knee her in the face once, tip more than 10%, that’s just good karma in practice.

Ok, so-this is where it’s going to get bad so ABORT if you can’t handle reading about the sights and smells that I actually have to see and smell because this one is rough.

It’s mid week last week, evening. About 5:30 pm. The area my partner and I wax in is a room sectioned off into three rooms, each room having a 3/4 wall partition. So it’s essentially one big room but with visual privacy. I have just gotten in for the evening and my partner says hello, that she just took a client into her room and I go to prep my room for my client that is waiting.

As soon as I step in, I am almost overcome by the smell of rotting–death pussy smell.

Before I go on I should say: Vaginas are all different. All have a variety of scent and pungence. A strong smell is not always indicative of infection. Some people just have a stronger natural odor. This was not that. This was not even what I would consider an infection level odor. This was musky and old and permeating the entire space. I have done this for almost a quarter century. If I couldn’t handle the sights and smells that go with this job, I wouldn’t have made it this far. This was something else entirely.

I honestly hesitated bringing my client back it was so bad. Plus, my client is a long standing regular who can be quite outspoken and I was slightly concerned she might even say something. She didn’t though.

So I am working on my client and the stench is just getting worse. I can tell from the conversation my partner is having with her client that this is her first wax. Dear jesus, maybe it will be her last. I mean, it’s so bad I am having a hard time focusing on my client. But suddenly, my focus got as sharp as a laser when it was time to do the backside of my own client.

My client had two anal fissures. You can google that if you are unfamiliar. They are basically a smallish open ….wound? And the only remedy/repair is a dr. and some stitches. I honestly don’t even know what causes them.I just know what they look like, just like every other vulvar/anal anomaly or disease/disorder. Because I have to know 😦 I have to know what is weird but normal or weird but abnormal.

This client has been coming to me for at least 5 years. If she knew it was there, I believe she would have said “Oh by the way”. But she didn’t. So I just went widely around them. I have things like this come up often and I am always at a loss about how to bring it up in a way that is not embarrassing for them. So, I have been struggling with that since it happened because I didn’t say anything and, I should have. SO I have decided if it’s not showing signs of being stitched up next time, I am going to say something.

So, I finish her up and head out and my partner is still with the other person who stinks. Because it is her first time, she is taking it slower than normal. Bless her, really. I would be trying to get it done so fast but, she is doing it properly.

I spray the rooms with an air freshener after the lady is gone and the smell still lingers for awhile. This was by far, the worst odor issue ever for either of us. In the decades we have done this so, that is saying a lot. By then my partner is done for the day so she leaves before we have a chance to commiserate about her client and mine.

The next day we both arrived at work early so we can get set up and also, use this time for bitching about work things. Which includes stinky-puss. The story gets worse, if that is at all possible.

I should preface this by saying this is only the quote of one person who is ill informed and in no way am I implying or agreeing with anything this woman said.

We have a spiel we give all first time clients. We give them an at-home care kit and talk about Do’s and Don’ts and follow up, etc. Part of that talk is “You can shower or bathe at any time, but if you take baths you may want to use cooler water in the first 24 hours as you will be sensitive to temperature. But you can wash the area normally” At which point, stinky puss stops my partner by putting a hand on her knee and says “Not to interrupt you but, you know us black ladies don’t wash down there.”

First of all, let’s NOT speak for an entire race of people, shall we lady? I am going to venture to guess that your follow ladies of color would beg to differ and be outraged by your statement. I mean, I know there are cultural taboos that exist everywhere but-in modern times these should be mostly debunked by now. So that little mystery is solved. My partner was so stunned that she only was able to pause then continue with her speech, being totally caught off-guard and unable to process fast enough. Do you tell someone they are wrong about their hygiene practices/beliefs? I don’t know.

So, in closing:

Wash your vulva. WITH SOAP. It NEEDS soap and water regularly. Your Vulva is NOT your Vagina, which does not need cleansing.

Wash your butthole. You pooped today. Toilet paper is not enough if you are planning for anyone to be near your butthole. And since we are talking, this includes sex. Wipe your butthole with a wipe in addition to your vulva if you are not bathing pre-sexy times. Trust me on this.

Think of visiting your waxer as your would your gynecologist. Would you seriously not bathe or take other measures to be clean before that? Why wouldn’t you extend the same courtesy to me? The person not making 6 figures to look at your butthole.

Get in the habit of some monthly “me” time by investing in a good hand mirror next to good lighting. You need to be aware of what is going on down there to even know if something is wrong or unusual.

It isn’t always a skin tag. Sometimes it’s warts. See your gyno regularly, ladies. If you see something-say something. To your doctor.

Please, read and share and spread the word to your friends so me and my colleagues can keep getting up each day to make your lady parts pretty as a picture.

You’re welcome.