Coffee is a scary and exciting thing for recent ex-Mormons. When will it start tasting good? How the crap do I make this stuff? Why am I paying $6 for a grande at Starbucks? These are all very valid questions that we, as your self-appointed friendly neighborhood ex-Mormon advisors, want to answer.

Naturally, we enlisted the help of the most ex-mo friendly coffee company we could find — Celestial Blend in Salt Lake City. Not only does it have blasphemous product names, complete with hilarious limericks on the back of its packaging, it also donates 10 percent of its proceeds to LGBT charities, which has recently proven to be more important than ever. (And way more worth it than tithing.)

In the spirit of Celestial Blend and apostasy, here’s a guide to choosing your coffee, with the help of a few historical friends.

Cup O’ Joe



Roast: Light. As in, “I saw a pillar of.”

Sin intensity: Levity, or boyish treasure hunting.

Flavor: Smooth like a cult leader. Light like the skin of a Nephite. An endearing nuttiness, like Martin Harris. Earthy, but not of the earth. Hints of herb to jive with the Word of Wisdom.

Father, Son & the Holy Roast

Roast: Medium. See also, “oracle,” “witch,” or “necromancer”

Sin intensity: Polyandry

Flavor: Smooth as a bishop’s shave and sweet like an underage wife, for an experience so divine, you’ll think you’re in the sacred grove.

Brigham’s Buzz

Roast: So dark it couldn’t get the priesthood.

Sin intensity: Blood Atonement.

Flavor: Rich as a mission president. Full-bodied as Nephi. The smoky tone comes from the souls of apostates burning in hell. As nutty as the Adam-God doctrine and as spicy as Eliza R. Snow’s love life.

Simple, right? You can also order a bundle of all three on Celestial Blend’s site, to determine for yourself what you’re into.

If you’ve reached this point and still don’t know what the heck to DO with coffee beans, have no fear! Here’s what’s up:

STEP ONE: Grind like Brigham at a multi-wife bedroom dance party.

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STEP TWO: Get filters. It’s important to have a filter. Otherwise you might accidentally reveal the temple death oaths.

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STEP THREE: Drink damnation to your soul!

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STEP FOUR: REPENT FOR SUPPORTING THE GAYS.

This post was brought to you by irreverence, our #TakingBackTithing mission, and a desire to help out our readers. Now don’t forget to use the promo code, “ZELPH” to get 10% off Celestial Blend Coffee!



