JERSEY CITY – Aware that the United States Government has placed a ten million dollar bounty on his head, new hire Phillip Jackson is expecting every work email to be his last. “Everyone is out to get me,” he whispered from the dark space between his desk and the far corner of his home office, “I’m the one thing standing between the company and PPP (payroll protection program) approval. I even got a call from a Wells Fargo rep last night, he says he’ll split the sign-on bonus with me if I quit because it’ll save him the hassle of making up a new company to loan to.”

Small firms around the country are being forced to make the same tough choices in the pursuit of tens of millions of dollars in forgivable, tax-payer funded PPP loans. “Over 500 employees? You can get paid to lay people off,” explained our analyst, “and those workers can, in turn, get paid to stay at home instead of seeking employment. This is how you flatten the curve.” Jackson, meanwhile, has not emerged from hiding. On a call, he lamented “it would almost be better for me to start my own company and pay myself a huge salary that I could take a PPP loan to…” He paused. “Wouldn’t that be something…”