Tell your mum not to give out personal details and be wary if the person comes out with a sob story, says Annalisa Barbieri

My father passed away three years ago after being happily married for 50 years to my mum. She has struggled with loneliness and lacks male companionship for support in everyday life. Before my dad died, he asked her to try to find another partner (if she could) so that she could continue sharing her life with someone else.

Mum is 76, still very active, and has joined many different groups (U3A, canasta, ping pong, walking group, local history group, Spanish lessons) but struggles with the thought of being alone. But these activities occur during the week, and I don’t live close to her, so there is considerable isolation during the evenings and at weekends. She has started to mention that she would like to find a partner and has begun exploring solo holidays. Recently she went online to look for “companionship” agencies and websites for older people. Later, I found out that she had registered with a group. I am very concerned that my mother has given her full contact details to an unknown party and someone can now easily identify that she is older, possibly more vulnerable and at home alone.

I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. It’s great your mum is so involved in groups and forward-looking, but you are right to be concerned about the way she is handing over her details to anyone (not just online), essentially saying she’s lonely and looking for company: that does potentially make her vulnerable. Of course, one can meet someone in real life and they might still end up being not who they seem, but it’s so much easier to be deceived online.

There are essentially two trade bodies for dating agencies: the Online Dating Association (ODA), which looks after online services, and the Association of British Introduction Agencies (ABIA), which is for more traditional offline dating/matchmaking organisations. Members must follow quality and saftey guidelines set out by the bodies. Both also publish guidelines for the consumer on how to stay safe (see below). I’ve included other links you might find useful, such as Age UK’s guide to dating in later life.

The obvious things to tell your mum are: stay on the agency’s messaging service; don’t give out personal details too quickly, and be wary if the person starts asking for money or comes out with a sob story. But also, before your mum signs up with an agency (and I would advise against handing over large sums of money, whatever organisation they belong to) make sure it has people in your mother’s search group. There’s no point her signing up if there’s no one near her or in her age range. Get her to look through various options to see which one fits with what she’s looking for. She could do this with you or a friend.

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Your mum is older and perhaps more used to socialising in real life, so it might be an idea to remind her that people can say – and be – whatever they want online. If she does meet someone through a website, it’s a good idea to take things into real life when she feels comfortable – but remind her that she must also stay safe: let someone know where she’s going, meet in a public place, perhaps even take a friend – because face-to-face contact is a much better way get to know someone and to work out their true intentions.

There are other things you can do to protect your mother: check to see whether she has caller ID on her phone and whether her phone provider gives her the option to block undesirable numbers. I don’t know which agencies she signed up for, but under the recent General Data Protection Regulation your mother has the “right to be forgotten”, so she can ask for all her details to be erased.

There’s also a fine line between being concerned and helpful, and actually taking control of your mum’s life. So be aware that, while I appreciate you want to help, your mum has her own life. One of the things I learned when researching this is just how lonely older people can get – but also just how much they dislike their adult children bossing them around.

AIBA dos and don’ts of dating; ODA stay safe guidelines; Age UK’s guide to dating in later life; Get Safe Online

• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

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