We were hoping we'd get the sweet-and-lowdown on El Chapo's texts about Sean Penn, and it looks like our wishes were answered.1

What? You haven't heard? This week, a series of newly revealed text messages gave a behind-the-scenes account of the origins of Sean Penn's recent (and very hush-hush) *Rolling Stone *interview with Mexican drug baron Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman. The texts—over BlackBerrys between El Chapo, his lawyer, and Mexican actress Kate del Castillo—reveal that not only did the cartel kingpin clearly have the hots for Del Castillo ("You are so beautiful, my friend, in every way"), he also apparently knew very little about the Oscar-winning actor he was about to meet ("I’m looking up Sean Penn online now").

With help from some encrypted-text experts, WIRED has unearthed even more messages from El Chapo, documenting his deep-dive into Penn's oeuvre. They are presented here in full, unaltered and unabridged:

SEPT. 26th, 2015

Chapo: OK, one of my guys found a Suncoast in the village, what movie do I watch 1st

__Lawyer: __Try fast times. v funny.

__Chapo: __who else in that?

__Lawyer: __Jennifer J. Lee. Juddge Reinhold.

__Chapo: __ooooh, the guy from vice versa??

__Lawyer: __?

__Chapo: __nvrmnd

Sept. 27th, 2015

__Chapo: __hello my lovely.

__Del Castillo: __hey!

__Chapo: __I would like to play the cars song called "moving in stereo' for you, you know what I mean? ;)

__Del Castillo: __what?

__Chapo: __you know, the movie, fast times? the pool scene? Phoebe Kates, the "gremlins girl"?

__Del Castillo: __srry no

__Chapo: __:|

SEPT. 28th, 2015

Lawyer: are you and me still meeting today?

__Chapo: __yes but fyi i *still* cant stop quoting spiccoli

__Chapo: "__i like tasty waves!" etc

__Chapo: __also, this is crazy but did you know sean was once married 2 Madonna?

__Lawyer: __yeah

__Chapo: __can you imagine how many fights they had over hair volumizer, lol

__Lawyer: __lol

__Chapo: __I do not understand, he was so funny in fast times, but didn’t really do many more comedies after that? why?

Lawyer: well he and madonna did shanghai surprise together

__Chapo: __they strapped a mule to a motorcycle and set it on fire and drove it into their enemies’ church??

__Lawyer: __WTF??

__Chapo: __sorry, different kind of “shanghai surprise.” Maybe delete this text?

OCT. 1st, 2015

__Chapo: __oof, I am sam

__Lawyer: __yeah

OCT. 3rd, 2015

Chapo: hello, my little hurlyburly!

__Chapo: __hello?

__Del Castillo: __hi, whats up

__Chapo: __tell sean I [heart emoji] these so far: carlitos way, falcon vs snowman, u turn and the game

__Del Castillo: __okay

__Chapo: __i mean I know people who love fincher think, “okay, the game, kind of a fun twilight zone thingee, it’s no seven or social network” but it’s really tight, and sean looks like hes having so much fun

__Del Castillo: __right

__Chapo: __when you dig into his 90s stuff he was so extreme, like, “okay, this week its dead man walking, then its an episode of friends.” no inbetween.

__Del Castillo: __[blank response]

__Chapo: __I mean his imdb is definitely spottier than people remember. And his movies are very frowny. I like dark stuff, but I like to laugh, I like good times, you know? I like many things that I think you like too

__Del Castillo: __okay

__Chapo: __

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OCT. 7th, 2015

__Chapo: __okay, watched everything, even secret life of walter mitty

__Lawyer: __and you still want to meet him?

__Chapo: __o defntely. so many questions!

Chapo: like, what’s nicholson’s bathroom like? Why did he do gangster squad? Did eastwood make him ham it up that much in mystic river, or ...?

__Lawyer: __yeah, that really should have been B. Murray's oscar.

__Lawyer: __okay, ill bring sean 2 u. gonna have him take a car, then a chopper, then a plane, then three other cars

__Chapo: __tell him it'll be like trying to meet terrence malick!!

__Lawyer: __?

__Chapo: __forget it, deep cut

__Lawyer: __okay, goodnight, my friend

__Chapo: __goodnight

Chapo: oh and almost forgot: aloha, mr hand!

1Editors' alert: This is satire.