LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

According to unnamed sources, former Prime Minister and multi-millionaire Malcolm Turnbull, was enjoying his morning of relaxation until receiving a Facebook ‘On this day’ update that reminded him that he used to be Prime Minister.

No longer having to pretend he is ‘one of the people’ Malcolm Turnbull was enjoying a glass of Penfolds with his wife Lucy when he paused to check Facebook while they waited for their caviar and truffle sliders to arrive.

Bar patrons state it was about this point that Turnbull cried “Aaah, for fuck’s sake,” and slammed his iPhone X to the table breaking the screen.

Upon being asked to leave Turnbull wrote a cheque to buy the bar with plans to ask everyone to vacate the premises and fire the person who had just ask him to leave. Security escorted him and Lucy from the premises with witnesses stating he audibly dragged his wheelie bag as he left.

Once outside, the aspiring monarch confided in his wife how the computer generated Facebook post had hurt his feelings by reminding him of his brief tenure as one of the nation’s most forgettable leaders.

“It was about that time we fought for marriage equality, remember that?” he asked, stating the time he asked the entire nation to vote on something that was already pretty clear-cut.

“I’d like to see Morrison do that. Tit.”

Turnbull was later spotted ranting as he walked, stopping to share his problem’s with a homeless man who asked him for change.

“I worked so hard to get to the top,” spat the former PM.

When the homeless person continued to ask for money the former PM cited a time where he gave $5 to a homeless man in Australia before heading off for some “me time.”