Twitter user Rummer has shared this amazing document, it’s a “barred list” from The Half Moon pub in Herne Hill, a list made by the staff to help identify troublesome punters and stop them coming in.

You need to read this in full, slowly, it’s like reading the cast list for the most British gangster movie ever made.

Imagine each character as you go. Play the movie in your head.

And here we’ve transcribed it for you for your reading pleasure:

STILL…. BARRED JASON ADAM THE DEAF guy MILLER ONE ARMED KIETH FAT PAUL VITRIOLIC QUEEN… OOHH IT’S NOT HOXTON THE GLASWEGIAN THE GINGER DRUNK TWAT CALLED ANGUS JULIA TANT … AKA MILLIE TANT FROM VIZ… DEAD RINGER DANNY MILLER / DANNY PARTRIDGE (HE’S BACK & FAT) THAT BLONDE BITCH GUS AND HIS MATE MARK CRAZY LINDA ROB ROE TALL CHAVVY FIGHTING IDIOT OF OLD STARING PERVERT – always comes in a crash helmet & drinks ale. Short young balding usually nice bloke & beard. FLAT CAP COKE FIEND BARRED FOR THREATENING REGULARS (AND EVERYTHING ELSE) SOUTH AFRICAN GADGING SCAMMER. PONYTAIL + BAD GOATIE, SNUCK IN ON SUNDAY