WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprise turn of events, Mitch McConnell defeated the entire 3rd grade of Sidwell Friends in an epic game of Tag. No matter how many times he was tagged, he somehow managed to escape being ‘It’ by announcing a last-second invincibility rule, frustrating the students on the playground.

“Outrunning him isn’t the problem; he’s as slow as a turtle and really lazy,” stated Chrissy Mulholland. “But as soon as you tag him, he somehow blocks it with this new rule only he gets to use. We all voted to play kickball instead, but Mr. McConnell forced us into yet another game of Tag.”

Although McConnell had the unwavering support of students like little Teddy Crews and Lindsay Gram, others tried their best to defeat McConnell and make him “It.” A coalition led by Charlie Summer tried to trick him by declaring that they weren’t going to play tag anymore. As McConnell approached them to find out why, the group declared in unison, “not it!” and attempted to ambush the surprised McConnell.

Unfortunately for Summer and his buddies, their poorly coordinated attack caused them to get tangled up and fall clumsily to the ground. McConnell seized the moment, slapped Summer on the top of his head, and declared for all to hear, “You’re it! No tag-backs!”

Asked her thoughts on McConnell’s style of play, Susie Hollins said she planned to tattle to the teacher about the unfairness of his mid-game rule changes, but ultimately decided to let the game continue. “Mr. McConnell personally promised me he won’t change the rules anymore,” said Hollins. “Also, he appointed me to be hall monitor and gave me five pounds of jelly beans for my birthday party. If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the swing set.”