By: Dennis Hopf

The wheel. Penicillin. Coconut oil. Perfect inventions that unlocked humanity’s potential. During this boring bus ride, allow me to clarify in plain language why coconut oil will solve climate change, un-autism vaccines, and mend broken families. And yes, coincidentally, I happen to sell it as well.

Without a shred of hyperbole, coconut oil is the most useful substance in the world, performing better in holistic tests than galvanized steel, regular oil, and the concept of fire. What is coconut oil’s secret? It starts with the coconut.

Listed at an unprecedented approval rating of 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, coconuts are the only fruit that can be used as a food, a fuel, and a handy substitute for the sound of horse hooves, as demonstrated in Monty Python’s Holy Grail.

The possibilities for coconut oil are limitless. Dry skin? Bathing in pure coconut oil makes bodies so smooth, a zamboni driver would whistle with appreciation. A dab of coconut oil firmly rubbed into the eyeball dissolves cataracts, and can restore perfect vision. Take that, lasers! Finally, coating every surface of your apartment with thin layer of coconut oil is a natural disinfectant and repels demons while attracting friendly mice.

Despite all this, coconut oil only makes up only 2.5% of the world’s vegetable oil production. Lucky for you, I have a jar right here. Would you like to buy it?

Simply looking for a healthy drink, brimming with saturated fat? Coconut oil can be guzzled by the litre. Pay no attention to smear campaigns from fly-by-night lobby groups such as The World Health Organization and Health Canada, who advise strongly against consuming coconut oil.

These corporate lackeys conveniently forget to mention that coconut oil can last up to six months at temperatures of 24C/75F without spoiling. Which is great news for me, because my garage gets very hot in the summer, and that’s where I store my jars of coconut oil.

Does coconut oil look disgusting at room temperature? Of course. So does a newborn baby, but look how useful they turn out to be.

Hey. Smell this. No, come on, smell it. Fragrant huh? You deserve a jar of coconut oil. Respect yourself and buy some. From me. Right now.