Venusians Left Planet to Avoid Humans

Human scientists discover what has been known since the beginning of Earth.

Photo by Brad Mann via Unsplash

After humans told us all they wanted to “make our cheeks clap” on Facebook, Aliens wondered what was wrong with them. They must not know that it means something naughty. Unless they’re from the Earth region known as Florida. Those people are freaks. Real freaky.

After they successfully raided Area 51, their scientists made a jaw dropping discovery. Venus was once full of water. Here’s another shocker for them, Pamela Anderson’s boobs were once made of flesh! That will eat up their news cycle for a while. They really are a horny bunch.

Life on Venus

Earthling scientists made their “big” discovery and squawked about it all over their news channels. Don’t they know the only way to get the news out to their fellow humans is to put it on Facebook? If they’re the brightest minds of humanity, well our leadership was right to not allow contact with them.

Breathlessly, they talked about how Venus used to be inhabitable. Like it was an amazing discovery or something. As if they had no idea that Mark Zuckerberg was a Venusian. He doesn’t even look human.

There is still a mystery though.

Erupting Mystery

Since they took more than 300 million years to figure out Venus was inhabitable, it’ll take them even longer for this next part. These so-called scientists are trying to figure out what happened that caused Venus’ surface to stop being inhabitable.

How about a little thing called humans.

They self-identify as intelligent. Yet, they cannot stop killing one another. Or going to war with each other. Let’s be honest, we lock the spaceship up tight when we fly by.

And can you blame us, they have this thing called McDonald’s that proudly proclaims 5 billion served. There are only 3 billion humans. Are they serving the dead? Have some dignity and eat dirt like the rest of us. Throw a little ketchup on there and you have a treat.

They haven’t figure out about Worlds War IV yet. And for the last time, can we stop letting Dave name the conflicts. Almost as bad as the humans. Almost. What takeaways will they get when they learn that Earth was the prize for the last battle royale in space?

Out of The Planet

A few soldiers got a bit carried away with firing the volcanoes. It happens. Slowly, life left Venus and she closed up shop. Plus she was one short stop away from Earth, and well she had valuables she wanted to keep hidden.

Things like alcohol which some humans would try to drink with delight. Reese Witherspoon had a capful and got belligerent, “do you know who I am?” No, Legally Blonde we don’t, so sit down.

At least they have good taste in music though. Maybe they didn’t know about Venus, but they know about Miley. Swinging in on a wrecking ball naked. Wouldn’t catch any alien doing that. It takes guts!

Time to put on my halo again.

Venus Out.