In an effort to gather research about the societal issues concerning white people, the U.S. Department of Justice worked with the Trump Administration to create this objective questionnaire. This is an opportunity for all the oppressed victims of affirmative action to finally continue speaking up, louder than ever.

What is your name?

A) Charles Eugene Miller B) Charles Eugene Miller II C) Charles Eugene Miller III D) Kyle

Did you get rejected from Wesleyan because of your grades or because of your relative lack of melanin?

A) Lack of melanin. B) Melanin deficiency. C) Do you know how hard it is to be judged solely on the content of your character?? D) Low amounts of melanin.

Do you feel as though you’ve been racially discriminated against throughout history, unfairly burdening your family with nigh-impossible racial barriers you need to overcome in this so-called meritocracy?

A) Yes. B) All of the above.

When have you felt most silenced?

A) When I’ve wanted to use slang. B) When I’ve been told it’s not slang, it’s racial slurs. C) I think cultural appropriation is a racial slur against white people.

I’m going to say a word, and you have to respond with the first thing that comes to mind, O.K.? “Asian.”

A) Ahhh!! B) Too many of them!!!! C) Just as bad as the others!!!!!! D) Wait, this is a questionnaire. I could have waited to respond, right? Anyway, my answer is still C.

What do you think P.O.C. stands for?

A) Pocket O’Clock. B) Piss Off, Cuck. C) Penicillin, of Course. D) Pickle on Christ.

“White” is . . .

A) A color. B) A beautiful culture. C) A way to draw attention to the fact that the Irish have suffered, too!

How does racism affect your everyday life?

A) No one cares about where I’m really from. B) I don’t get compliments from strangers for speaking English well, which I DO. C) I see white people in every form of media, and it makes me feel like I am not as special. D) No one asks me to be the spokesperson for white people in my literature class, and I have thoughts on “The Catcher in the Rye.”

What is most oppressive about being white?

A) We are underrepresented in the media as cab drivers and 7-Eleven owners. B) We are overrepresented as superheroes and Mark Zuckerberg. C) Sometimes, comfort is the greatest discomfort of all.

Are you having trouble finding a white cultural organization that doesn’t slowly become the K.K.K.?

A) Yes. B) No, I found one with really cool hats that I’m into. C) Wait.

Which ethnic minorities bother you the most?

A) Wow, can I actually answer this? How liberating! B) I’ve thought about this a lot. I have three small ones, and one big one. C) Wait, is my name still on this??

What is the greatest issue we are dealing with today?