Ah yes, IxTPs, blessed and cursed by our Inferior Extroverted Feeling. We like people but we also hate them. We crave intellectual conversation while prizing silence. Indifference is our motto but we generally like just about everyone. Confused yet? That’s ok we are too.

I have seen a trend amongst quite a number of ISTP forums. (I don’t exactly know how it is for INTPs as I don’t tend to peruse INTP forums as much.) The trend looks something like this:

“YEah, this thing happened to me that would really upset a normal person but idk. I mean it’s kind of a big deal but my s.o./friends/family just need to realize I’m totes fine."

In a nutshell: I IGNORE THINGS THAT ARE A BFD BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. (Sorry to break the illusion of perpetual capability and chill, but this is the bottom line.)

Here is the dirty little secret: It’s not that we can’t recognize emotions–this is not the problem at all. We see emotions, we key into them, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt when that little flicker of sadness passes over your face or the way you give short little frustrated sighs when you’re overwhelmed or how you light up when someone compliments you on a job well done or how you really want to connect but you’re afraid to because you can’t tell if we are ready to or not. We see all of this.

We just don’t know what the heck to do with it.

Take a trip down Se-Metaphor lane with me for a second.

Imagine that someone walks up to you with a screaming infant in their arms, dumps it onto your lap, says "Here take care of this,” and then leaves.

This is what feelings are like for Fe-Inferiors, particularly negative feelings.

You see the feeling. You are very, VERY aware of the feeling, it is extremely important…but what exactly are you supposed to DO with it?

So you look around–there are other people with infants in arm. But they all seem to know what they’re doing. Some of the Feeling Babies are crying, yes, but the caregivers seem to know what the Feeling Baby needs. You look back at the screaming child in your lap. Does it need changing? Does it need food? Does it need a nap? Where do you get the food? Where can you lay it down to sleep? Shouldn’t it come with a diaper bag? Where is it? This isn’t even your baby why do you have to take care of it? Where do you even start??? Why on earth is this happening??????

So you just decide that the only thing you can do is just deal with it. You grab the pacifier dangling from the safety string of Baby Feelings onesie and see if you can stem the tide of chaos and tears. It works. …For a while.

Fe-Inferiors understand that feelings are delicate, sensitive things that change moods on a whim and take a firm hand. Our idea of firm-handedness is not to get involved at all. Let sleeping babies lie. Your friends aren’t going to get you to babysit their break-up or job hunt or failed midterm breakdown. You’ll run errands yes–pick up some things here and there to help out. A pat on the back, a nod and a smile, a vague aura of firm serenity. But no real interaction with Feeling Baby happens. (This is the weirdest metaphor I know, but please just go with it.)

So the big pink argyle elephant in the room for Fe-Inferiors is what the heck am I supposed to do with feelings?

Allow me a few pointers that I have learned:

Feelings are much easier to navigate when you know which one you’re experiencing. Handy categorizing tip–humans are wired to feel six basic negative emotions: fear, shame, sadness, disgust, anger, and hopeless despair. If you know you’re feeling something negative, which of these feelings is it? Start from there.



Figure out how “big” the feeling is. It can be super tempting to say “It’s not a big deal at all” but that’s just a form of denial. Compare and contrast your feeling to previous ones. Is this as scary as the time you had that big final exam? Is this as sad as you felt when you lost the family dog? Is this making you angrier than when that jerk cut you off in traffic this morning? Classifying the importance of the feeling will help you figure out what to do with it.

Remember it’s ok to talk about negative feelings. If you’re having a crappy day, tell somebody. Don’t shout it at some random stranger walking down the street, but it’s ok if you need to call a friend and chat and say, “It’s been a long day.” You can explain as much or as little as you want. Just don’t be afraid to reach out to other people when you need to.

Practice two things: belonging and rest. Cultivate them. Actively. Find a group of people that you can call “your” people. Spend time with them. Learn how to disengage and give your body and brain a little R&R even if it’s just for five minutes a day that you do absolutely nothing.

In regards to other people’s feelings: realize that you don’t always need to “fix” their problem. I know, the Mechanics and the Architects always want to come up with a clever solution. But most of the time you don’t need to actually fix the person’s problem to make them feel better. Just listen to their point of view, tell them you understand that whatever is happening is having an effect on them, and offer them support in whatever way they need.

The most important thing I can say to my fellow Fe-Inferiors is this: let your feelings happen as they come. Only by allowing your feelings to happen can you understand them and then process out of them. This is scary and often unpleasant (unsettling beyond all reason is more like it) but it is necessary and once you can begin to recognize and categorize what you’re feeling then you can determine what needs to be done with it.

But don’t write off your experiences, positive or negative. To do so will only fix you in a perpetual state of inability to truly process your life. Feelings are big, yes, but they are not impossible. Remember this, take the plunge, and know that all things can be understood even if you don’t understand them immediately–even feelings.