Story time!

Porn comes in every shape and, er, size. So, it should really come as no surprise that there is not one, but TWO Super Mario parody pornos floating around out there.

The video game-inspired adult films, entitled Super Hornio Brothers and Super Hornio Brothers 2 (yes, I'm serious) feature the talents of none other than Ron Jeremy himself. The features were originally intended to be one film, but were split into two movies due to a lengthy running time. The movies follow the adventures of Squeegie (Ron Jeremy) and Ornio (T.T. Boy) as they attempt to rescue Princess Perlina (Chelsea Lynx) from King Pooper (Buck Adams).

Plus, you know. Lots of sex.

It sounds like a regular Citizen Kane, doesn't it?

You can take check out some of the nudity-free scenes in the highlight reel below.

Despite the bizarre premise, the porno itself is not the highlight of this story.

The film(s) were released around the same time as the Super Mario Bros. movie, which starred Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Mario and Luigi, respectively. The thing is, the Super Marios Bros. movie totally tanked. So, after such a rough experience with the film industry, it's presumed that Nintendo became a little more cautious with its licensing. So, it bought Super Hornio Brothers and Super Hornio Brothers 2.

Yep. Nintendo purchased to rights to TWO adult movies.

According to Ron Jeremy's own website, this explains why the movies are almost impossible to find now:

Some of you may be wondering why it is that we, Ron Jeremy’s Official Website, do not offer Super Hornio Brothers or Super Hornio Brothers 2 within our massive library of Ron Jeremy videos. The simple answer is “Nintendo”. After Super Hornio Brothers was produced, the Nintendo corporation bought the rights to the films in order to halt their distribution indefinitely. Otherwise, we would 100% offer up Super Hornio Brothers for streaming glory.

Basically, Nintendo was so intent on preventing the release of a porno which bore even a remote resemblance to its video game universe, that it actually purchased the rights to both Super Hornio Brothers and Super Hornio Brothers 2. And then buried them forever.

That is, until "Something Awful" editor Zack Parsons managed to dig up a copy of Super Hornio Brothers 2 after hearing murmurs and whispers of its existence. Parsons rated the movie, giving it an overall score of -33.

While the first installment of the movie is still at large (no pun intended, I swear), we can all collectively hope that it is simply hidden in a Nintendo vault somewhere, and that it eventually see the light of day again.

Happy 30th birthday, Super Mario Bros!

Editors' note, Sept. 12, 2015: This story originally stated that Danny DeVito starred in the Super Mario Bros. film, which is obviously incorrect for anyone who loves bad '90s movies. It has been updated with a correction.