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From: Amanda Barge

Date: Thu, Aug 16, 2018 at 8:45 PM

Subject: what I read last night

To: Brandon Drake

This is what I wrote and read to you last night. I think I made amends and owned my mistakes and thoughtfully tried to help you understand as best I could. AB

Thank you:

1.Thank you for being the first person to help me get over my shame of getting divorced. You were always nonjudgmental no matter what I told you was going on w me. You were the first friend I was able to tell some really painful things and you were amazingly respectful and helpful.

2. Thank you for letting me in and sharing your life with me. I know it isn’t easy for you to do and I want you to know how much of an honor that was.

3. Thanks for challenging me, inspiring me, and teaching me. Thanks for letting me into your professional world and even though we come from very different places you always treated me as a person of value.

4. Thanks for having my back, being nice to my kids, and making me laugh a lot.

5. Thanks for accepting me for me, being respectful when I made mistakes, and sharing your giant heart and soul with me.

6. There are lots of moments in the last year that I am forever grateful to you for stepping up and helping me through. You will never fully know how thankful I am. I’m sorry: I’m sorry that I allowed what could have been a respectful, productive conversation about boundaries and where our friendship was to devolve. While I started off communicating clearly, it quickly went off the rails and made things so much worse. The feelings I had were genuine but I didn’t express them at all how I wanted to and I know that was uncomfortable for you. I also drunk texted you one night and I just wish I could take that shit back. I’m so sorry.

When I first brought this up, you and I both talked about talking in person about it. That’s what I wanted. When that didn’t happen, and I felt ignored, I upped the ante and started texting things to try to get you to talk to me. Instead of letting it go and being patient, I wanted to have closure and a resolution but my actions caused the opposite. I took out my frustration of not being heard on you. I wish I had given you more space and been respectful of what you needed. I will work on patience.

I’m sorry I said hurtful things. I can’t go backwards but I can go forwards. I’m sorry I said what I said about needing to protect myself when there were better ways to say it. I’m sorry I indirectly called you a coward and I’m sorry for any other hurtful things I said that I have overlooked. I wish I had been a better friend and conveyed to you that I wanted us to be okay even if we weren’t for awhile we would eventually figure it out. I tried to explain that via text and it came out totally wrong and I couldn’t take it back. I am sorry for anything I did over the last year that led you to believe I wasn’t genuine in my platonic love for you or that I would somehow use the miniscule amount of power I have to hurt you. I am sorry if any action I took made you feel that way. Even if we aren’t friends moving forward and we just work together, I would use any power I have to help you, not hurt you. Over a year ago, when I sat down w/ you at Starbucks I felt chemistry with you immediately. Not sexual but friend chemistry. I also immediately felt and still feel admiration and respect for you and where you have been, how smart you are, and how willing you have always been to let me in and teach me about recovery and addiction. So often people in recovery are judgy of people who don’t have firsthand experience and I get why—they are judged by the rest of the world all the time and stigma…but you were always immediately giving and nonjudgmental or critical with me. It made me want to learn more from you so I could be a better advocate. So right away I felt an intellectual and spiritual connection to you. I also felt like I met someone likeminded. We seemed to agree on so much and it was so great to have a partner in crime.

Last august, A YEAR AGO, I was not sure I was getting divorced. So much has changed for me. A year ago, my connecting w/ you was something I hadn’t had in a long time—an emotional connection w/ a man. I missed that so much. I’m not surprised that I was somewhat physically attracted to you – I’m attracted to a lot of people and could connect with a wall. It’s just who I am. But what was confusing to me is that we were going so deep emotionally. I kind of had a high on a spiritual level from our conversations and it was awesome. So when I felt attracted to you I got scared and instead of waiting for it to pass, as it did, I told you about it. That was purely selfish on my part. I needed to set boundaries and I wasn’t worried about how what I was saying would impact you, I was totally wrapped up in my own brain then.

In no way did I tell you thinking that something would happen. At that time in my life, I was wrapping up 5 years of feeling like a total failure at relationships and my self esteem was super low. I sincerely just needed you to tell me I'd be okay because you had a calming effect on me.

I told you that day that I couldn’t’ late night text anymore because married people shouldn’t regularly late night text and flirt. That same evening, you texted me and we texted that night. Even though I tried to set a boundary, you didn’t follow it and neither did I. I think you were a good innocent distraction at that time. I needed that.

That October, I met a political consultant at a fundraiser dinner and we started texting. It escalated quickly and we knew were going to be at the same conference in Indy and it was clear we were going to hook up. It was a super confusing time since I had been married for 18 years and I am a totally loyal person and what I was doing didn’t really fit w/ my values. I was in denial a lot and was being really secretive again not who I am. In November, someone in the Auditor’s office asked if you and I were sleeping together. This was someone I trusted but it totally freaked me out.

I remember telling you about it for the sole purpose of thinking we might need to be careful in public because even though there was zero truth to it, people are nosey and assholish. I also told you in that convo that it was confusing sometimes because you were cute and charming. To be clear: I believe that I said this to you because I was feeling guilty about my behavior in general and I was pretty sure my love of flirting caused people to think something about us. 100 percent the truth at that moment in time I thought you were cute and charming, flirty and fun but it was totally innocent and I knew it. What wasn’t innocent were my other life choices and rather than face my complicated feelings about my marriage and the fact that I was about to cheat on John, I created a distraction w/ you. There is nothing deeper or more complicated. I wasn’t in love with you, or anyone and I didn’t really like myself and who I was being although now I have totally forgiven myself.

After that convo, we were talking on the phone as I was packing for my conference in Indy. We got into a fight. I said something smart ass and you got mad and called me a victim and manipulative. After we hung up, I lost it and sent you a bunch of shitty texts and you basically told me we were taking space. I ended up having a great time at the conference and finally sleeping w/ someone else really clarified a lot for me, including that my friendship with you was super important. I missed it so much. As weird as it may sound, I wanted to call you and tell you how happy I was to have slept w/ someone and how it was freeing. But I couldn’t call you bc we weren’t speaking. Even then you were so important to my well being. I really felt your support got me through that time.

I am very sorry that I added drama to our friendship during those months—I put our friendship at risk when I had confused feelings and rather than just own that I was confused in general I acted out instead of going inward. I look back though and those times helped me process what was going on. So I’m sorry if it was hard for you and I’m sorry that I made things hard for you.

You should also know that I kiss and hug my friends, flirt w/ them and compliment them all the time. After November I was afraid to be myself fully w/ you and that’s sad but I didn’t want you to think I was hitting on you. I was overly careful not to send any mixed messages. I tried to be mindful of things I said so we didn’t go back down that road or I didn’t say something I didn’t mean or make you uncomfortable. I wish I could have just been myself w/ you more but I was afraid it would hurt our friendship. I was always careful to try to protect that. I say this to you because of your accusations of harassment and not really being your friend. The reality is that I was trying to be over cautious and didn’t even want to touch you accidentally. Fast forward 8 months from November to July. I feel like during this time we got super close as friends. We went through a lot of ups and downs together and I changed so much both inside and out and the person I am right now is much more grounded. I am so thankful that you let me in and worked on trusting me. I know it’s a challenge for you and there were many times you struggled and you never gave up on our friendship. That meant so much.

What C. said about you thinking I was in love w you and that I only did things for you bc of that really hurt. It hurt that you would question my motives and that you told C. private conversations about personal stuff that involved me. It was embarrassing because I thought we were passed all that so hearing that from someone else me feel stupid. I’m glad I called you immediately and you made me feel better about it. Then you sent me a sweet message telling me I should date and that any man would be lucky to have me. For the second time, you brought up how in the past when I shared my feelings it was bad timing so it made me start thinking that maybe our timing was better now.

I just observed for awhile and didn’t say anything. When I finally did say something, I told you that I had felt a connection and wanted to get some clarity. Your immediate response was that you had felt a connection too and had backed out of talking about it to me about it a few times out of a fear of losing our friendship. I took that to mean that you had similar feelings to me. You asked me about hanging out and seemed to agree we could talk in person. I genuinely believed that even if you were uncomfortable talking to me about it, you would show up because we show up for each other. I have sacrificed my feelings when you have accused me of pretty shitty things and have accepted that it was just your brain’s way of working through stuff but when I made you uncomfortable you just disappeared. At least that’s how I felt then and yeah it made me upset. Whether or not it was rational to be upset, I don’t know but I do know you almost instantly tried to make it about me punishing you for not dating me which is insulting to me. And it diminishes all the trust I’ve tried to build w/ you over the year and it just hurts because suddenly I’m not your friend anymore. I am an enemy capable of terrible things. And there is nothing to be done about it. Nothing I can say seems to help.

If we had talked in person and you’d said no, I would have been disappointed. Not heartbroken or mad. I would have eventually been thankful to you for being so committed to our friendship because what we had was really special.

I’m super sorry I freaked you out w/ all my texts. I felt ignored and just persisted when I should have retreated. I made things worse. I know this. FWIW, I never just wanted to sleep w/ you. I was drunk when I said that. In fact, the thought of that terrifies me a little since we are so close. I value what we had which is why I wanted to talk in real life and sort through it. I think you wanted to keep things the same and I wanted to see if what we had might grow into something. I respect you and accept that.

In the past two weeks, I have come to realize that what you want is a platonic girlfriend. You want a woman who can fulfill your innermost emotional needs, hang out, be in contact throughout the day and give each other advice. You wanted me to approve of all of your decisions and were always worried about letting me down. I kind of wanted the same thing and I enjoyed what we had. I think what we had was good. But it was kind of like a relationship without romance.

Part of the reason that I spoke up about my own feelings and recognizing a connection beyond just a normal friendship was that I had started dating. I knew once I met someone that I was serious with things would have to change w/ us. Or if you met someone. I wouldn’t talk to you late at night, because I’d be w/ someone. There wouldn’t be late night dog walks or good morning and good night texts or two hour phone convos with joking and laughter. The reality is that platonic relationships have to change once one of the people gets a boyfriend of girlfriend. I think our relationship was making it hard for me to move forward. I went on a date and spent half the night texting you and thinking about how much more fun you and I have together.

I don’t think either of us got what we wanted in this situation. I think we were both afraid of losing each other and acted out in different ways. I pushed you into a confrontational situation and you pushed me away. I came close and you slammed the door in my face. I pushed the door in and then you burned the door down and built a wall I couldn’t get past.

For that, I’m sorry that I pushed you when you didn’t want me to. I’m sorry I wasn’t more patient. I should have been more respectful of our friendship and your needs. You should know that being accused of harassment caused me to stop dating the person I was seeing. I have also decided not to run for mayor. I’m not blaming you at all I just want you to know that I have not taken your accusation lightly. I also don’t really know how to have a civil conversation with you about this – my wish is that someday we could go through texts together and try to understand each other better.

I wish that you hadn’t accused me of that. There have been many times I could have attacked you and I did not. I don’t want to fight about this but I do want you to know that I have defended you and protected you even after you have said horrible things to me. I just ask that moving forward you not talk about this. If you think that’s something you can’t do, I will have no choice but to accept this. But know on my end I will never expose your secrets nor will I share with anyone things you have said. I never want you to worry about me sharing any secrets you’ve told me because I won’t.

I hope we can work towards a friendship again even though it will look totally different.

Again, I’m sorry for my actions that caused you pain. I will work on having better boundaries w/ you and being a better human being. I love you.

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Amanda Barge, MSSW, LCSW