Post-Incident Interview

Interviewer: Dr. Avia Cedari

Subject: Researcher Zachary Parker

Begin Log



Cedari: Well Zac, we….



Parker: Are you sick of me?



Cedari: What do you mean?



Parker: Are you sick of seeing me here, year after year, because of some disaster that I'm responsible for.



Cedari: The sticker, that's why all this is happening not you.



Parker: That isn't the important part. I made the decision to put others at risk. They're claiming that no one died but I'm doubting that highly.



Cedari: You were put in a secure location. Not your fault.



Parker: You can't just say that it isn't my fault. This is my choice. My choice to live like this. I know…I know that this will happen. I know the circumstances under which it will happen. Other people have been hurt by this. I can fight and fight and try to cure this but I'm just fooling myself. This is a part of me and it isn't going away. I'm tired of thinking it will go away someday. It isn't going away. I can do the world a favor and stop asking for help.

[Parker sighs and shakes his head.]

Parker: What does it matter anyways? I'm just one person. My life is not nearly meaningful enough for anyone to put this much effort into it. You have my word, no one is ever going to suffer on my behalf ever again. No matter what.



Cedari: You can't give up on yourself, Zac, you're still a great person. Everyone thinks it is unfair that you have to go through this.



Parker: That's the way it always starts. People think it is "unfair". Then they are "concerned" or "worried". Then they start to treat you differently. Then people start to distance themselves. Then most of them start to ignore you. They know something is wrong with you, they don't want to talk about it. They don't want to help. They just stare from a distance. I've got barely anyone else left. You're one of the few people who can even look at me with an honest face. And how long will it take? It'll be only a few more incidents until I've lost absolutely everyone.

[Parker begins to sob.]



Parker: Anjela was right to get the fuck away from me. I'm a walking disaster. It'll just keep happening and I'll lose everyone's respect. Over and over again. It just keeps happening.



Cedari: Are you sure that they feel this way? Maybe they just can't find the right words, or they think it is better to give you some distance?



Parker: If so I'm the only one. Everyone else gets genuine sympathy when something goes wrong because it is unexpected. When something goes wrong for me, its just time to reset the counter. They know that it'll happen again, and that means there is no reason to even pretend to care. I'm just a freak to everyone now. If I wasn't a security threat once per year, I honestly think that they'd put me in a cell to rot.



Cedari: The Foundation will never turn on one of their own just because of a workplace incident they had zero control over.



Parker: You say zero control, I say personal responsibility. That blood is all on my hands. No one else. Some people think that life just grabs for your hand and drags you along. I know I took a path that led to this. If I can't cope with the fact that I'll never be normal again, that's my own failure. I can dream that on the day after Christmas, I'll be away to some place mystical and warm, with someone I love in my arms and a smile on my face… or I can accept that it will never happen.



[Parker continues to sob and turns to look out the window.]

Parker: I had that life, and I made the decision to out that in danger… and I lost that. I lost my right to a good ending. I lost my right to genuine happiness the second I made my curse someone else's problem other than my own. I'm glad people are distance. You and a few others still prod, saying "you don't need to hide yourself away". But I do. The more people trying to help, trying to care, the more people I'm putting at risk.

[Cedari hands Parker a box of tissues.]

Cedari: Zac, you aren't going to stop people from caring about you. That's not even your choice. We care about you because of the good you've done for us. You've always been a reliable colleague. You've been a friend. Of course we're going to care.



Parker: Little consolation. Being a freak that people feel bad for isn't much better than being a freak that people laugh at. All my life, before joining the Foundation, I was a freak. Ugly, short, a misfit. But then I found Anjela, and I got my job here, and things were on the upswing. Turns out I actually was a freak, I just fooled all of you. That sticker is just setting the record straight. I've always deserved this treatment.



Cedari: Zac, I hate to do this to you, but if you're experiencing such self-hatred, I don't think I can recommend that you return to work yet.



Parker: Why not? At least I can feel some sort of emotion getting work done. I'd rather be a useful pariah that hated and unhelpful. I owe the Foundation for all the shit I put it through. I'll still work as hard as I can to make up for all the increasingly obvious flaws. I'm going to blame myself, but I need some outlet… So any nasty things I say are purely therapeutic.



Cedari: That doesn't seem right. You are clearly incredibly upset.



Parker: Maybe I am, but I can't really keep it up for very long. What I've learned is that I'm not really all that important. If I'm not worth all the attempts to stop this incident from repeating… well then I'm certainly not worthy of anyone's pity. Even my own.

[Cedari and Parker are silent for several seconds.]

Cedari: Do you mind going over the last incident?



Parker: You mean the one where I probably got someone killed and nearly crashed a plane? Yeah, I suppose I can relive that nightmare.



Cedari: You don't need to talk if you aren't ready.



Parker: I'm ready. I have to own up to my mistakes after all.



Cedari: What ended up happening?



Parker: The sound of mass confusion. Door props open, lights go out. Every corner I turn is either a blocked off hallway or some anomaly that I've never seen before and never been briefed on. I followed the Foundation standard of assuming that every thing I encounter and don't recognize in a containment breach is something that can kill me and I book it in the other direction until I take a zigzagging path to the hangar. I figure hiding is safer than running, plus I'm exhausted. Hide in a crate, admittedly not a great choice. I get stuck, drag into a plane ride. They can't hear me over the sound of takeoff. Then I'm up in the sky. By the time the jet started shaking, I knew exactly what was going to happen. Thank god the co-pilot noticed me in time.



Cedari: How severely were you stressed?



Parker: Oh I beyond stressed. I was panicking. No greater fear in my life. Until I pull the chord on my parachute and saw what I drifting towards. Then the panic went away. All I felt after that was dread.



Cedari: Dread?



Parker: Dread. I knew exactly what was about to happen, and I know that it is going to happen again. That's the new fear above my head, every day. I know I'm just ticking down closer to the next incident. It isn't if, it is when. And knowing exactly when… down to the hour and minute, doesn't make it any less terrifying.



Cedari: Zac, we're going to help you beat this.



Parker: You can't beat this I'm afraid. I think we'd all be better off accepting it. I'm going to push hard for a different containment plan. I'm sick and tired of trying to fight the inevitable.

Cedari: The Foundation fights for their employees. It is our duty to keep you safe.



Parker: And it is my duty to make sure that my safety doesn't take priority over everyone else. Please, let me walk out of here and get back to work. I've got a year of making up for all my failures to get started with.



Cedari: If you think that's the best way to heal.



Parker: It's the only way I know how.



End Log