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If you are anything like me – and I hope to God you’re not, then you hit the trifecta of things NOT to do at your own New Year’s party.

1.) Thou Shalt Not Be A Light Weight –

Pace yourself. No one likes to hear their host puking their brains out at 9:30 pm when the goal is to at least start throwing up at 12:01 am. No, it’s not a good idea to start the party at 5 pm because despite how many games of poker and Settlers of Catan the party just simply can’t make it past 8.

2.) Thou Shalt Not Be The First To Leave YOUR Party:

There’s nothing like the cold comfort a bathroom floor has to offer anyone that’s been sick. After excusing myself at yes 9:30 pm I stumbled on my pilgrimage to worship the porcelain goddess. I wasn’t going to throw up downstairs amongst my guests – I am a lady. So my trek had to be made up flights of stairs, down hallways, into my room – you get the point. Once I made it there, there was no way I was going to crawl back. So I stayed there, falling asleep peacefully with my phone clutched in my hand in the fetal position.

3.) Thou Shalt NOT EVER EVER EVER Text While Under the Influence Especially on New Years:

It’s so tempting isn’t it – to scream and shout absolutely retarded things to your friends all over the world. For example, sending images of you posing like a total and utter idiot and sending those photos to your parents 6 time zone differences away. Let’s just say they had to be there. I’m sure many others called or texted exes, and or potential lovers. I’m sure many asked others to marry them and tried to coerce affection out of people that have no idea who they are and that’s all fine and good until of course you wake up the next morning with a bazooka in your head as you scroll down and wince in pain as you read how your phone took the words marry me and somehow turned them into meh oyster. In any event – faux pas.

I was told – when I woke up this morning – that I missed a riveting not at all oscar buzz worthy movie on pay per view titled Osombie that they rang in the countdown with. Where Osama Bin Laden wakes from the dead as a zombie…

Shucks.

I want to tell you with all my heart that this year will be different. That you’ll fit into your skinny jeans and that marriage proposal will be returned with an ecstatic YES, but the truth is we live a pattern.

It’s our constant.

So just be happy.

I’m going back to bed now, pizza wasn’t a good idea.

Sweet Dreams World.

2013 WILL be your year.

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