As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

PRO

Would make people feel valued by their government in precise capitalist terms they can understand

Privileged elite no longer the only ones with access to Pizza Hut Triple Treat Box

Whole basic human dignity thing

Opens up more opportunities to use the phrase “sucking at the government’s teat”

The look on some rich prick’s face hearing about this for the first time

More marks for your pyramid scheme

CON

System can be exploited by “welfare queens” who live lavishly on the spoils of their $500 monthly allotment

Recipients might lose sight of the value of hard work, the most noble and treasured aspect of American life

Would take forever to sign all those checks

Encourages entrepreneurship among dumbasses who dream of opening a fucking cupcake truck or some other bullshit

The long-term effects of bestowing lower class with a sense of dignity are currently unknown

Leveling the playing field would be detrimental to the vast minority of Americans