I suppose it’s far too early to see any real changes, but what little I have seen it’s frustrating to not be able to talk about outside trans forums because it’s so TMI. The thing that amuses me most is that I’ve started to feel some testicular shrinkage — it’s just more evidence that I was meant to do this, because someone who identified as male would be in a blind panic over it rather than giggling like a, er, little girl. I’m feeling some kind of weird ropiness in the breasts — I assume that’s milk ducts waking up and saying “wait, we’re not supposed to be here… what? Huh?” I haven’t had anything quite as powerful as that tsunami of female arousal of that first night on E, but I still get a little bit of it here and there.

Overall, I’m still giddy — this is happening. I’m gonna be a girl! It’s enough to make me wish I was a better victory dancer. The one thing that troubles me is how much contempt I seem to have for my old male self. I despise him, and that troubles me because I don’t think he would have deserved it. This leads to a deeply bizarre revelation I had — transition was his way of committing suicide. I’m not quite sure what to make of this. He never wanted to exist in that form, but he never wanted to let go of life either. By initiating the process to become Madi — me — he put an end to himself without costing himself or the people around him much of anything. I really want to miss him, but… I’m uncomfortably happy to be rid of him.