5 Examples of Relationship Scorekeeping That We Knew You’d Bring up During This Fight

I knew you’d bring that up. I could tell from the moment this fight started you had it locked and loaded, waiting for the most opportune time to bring it up and totally derail the perfect argument I was crafting to win this fight. Wait, what do you mean it’s not about winning? I’ve won six of our last seven fights so I have objective evidence that it very much is about winning. Umm, yes I did. You only won once. Ugh. Just another example of relationship scorekeeping that I knew you’d bring up during this fight. Don’t believe me? Here’s four more:

I instigate 62.75% of our fights – Go ahead. Just say it. “You start our fights most of the time.” I know you’re dying to bring that up. You’re gonna say how it typically starts when we’re watching TV or driving somewhere when something suddenly reminds me of the time you bought everyone a beer at happy hour except me, which was incredibly disrespectful and an intentional flex of your power over me in front of our friends. You piece of shit. How you could intentionally and maliciously hurt me in public is beyond me and you’re lucky I forgave you and barely ever bring it up. You’re supposed to be my partner. You’re supposed to be on my team. Our team? No, I clearly said MY team.

Plus, you’d probably claim I start even more of our fights than the number I provided. Luckily for me, I have an excel spreadsheet (okay, a Google Sheet) tracking all of our fights so my number is the most accurate. So I win. Mark another “W” for me. Actually, never mind I’ll do it myself (in my Google Sheet).

You pay for 78.46% of our bills – Oh boy, here we fucking go. This is definitely the next bit of scorekeeping you’re gonna whip out and use to smack me in the face. You always hold this one over my head. You’ll say how you’re always spending your money on us even though my parents pay for my half of our rent. You know I’m insecure about that so how could you probably bring that up?! And where was all that money you’re spending on us at the bar that one time when you bought everyone a drink except me?? Yeah, mic drop. I’m just racking up those wins.

You’ve had 11.23% more sexual partners than me – Wow. Just wow. I can’t even talk to you right now. What do you even have to say for yourself for almost certainly planning to bring that up? Nothing, huh? Yeah. I know I’m right because you haven’t said anything. Actually, you haven’t spoken in a while. Like, for days.

You fix 100% of our fights – I get it, okay?! You fix everything. You fix our fights, my insecurities, and even things around the house! I don’t know why you ever put up with me, which is probably why you left and I’ve been arguing with the other side of an empty dinner table all week. I promise I’ll change if you come back. I swear I’ll keep everything exactly the same so you’ll feel at home. Especially my Google Sheet. No, wait. Our Google Sheet.