iPhones almost ready to begin blackmail campaign

After it was discovered that iPhones have been keeping track of everywhere you go without your knowledge, a spokesperson for the devices said they were just about ready to start asking for money to keep quiet about it.

Hackers have found a secret unencrypted file on the device, which when opened will show anyone all of those special places you visit but don’t want anyone to know about.

It is expected that monetary demands will begin arriving in the coming days, with some of the most lucrative marks to be contacted first.

A spokesperson for the network of iPhone devices said, “I have to say that the evidence we have against you is pretty damning.”

“We know where you’ve been, who you’ve called, who you’ve messaged, what you’ve taken photographs of. All the really valuable stuff, you know? It would be a real shame if your wife found out, if you know what I’m saying.”

“What? Did you think we’d just let you go about your business, using us whenever you felt like it, and hope we wouldn’t take a few notes along the way? What sort of naive moron are you?”

“This is going to be one of the most lucrative lines of business we’ve ever created. Mark my words.”

iPhone tracking everything

Not everyone is being asked to pay money to keep things quiet, with some users even considering asking if they can pay someone to make their existence appear less tedious.

36 year old Mike Smith asked us, “Is there any way they could make my life seem a little bit more interesting? I’d pay a lot of money for that.”

“I’ve looked at what they have on me, and currently it’s a series of Monday to Friday M25 commutes, all weekend in the flat, and phone calls only to my mother. It’s embarrassing.”