Pop-Punk Singer Urges Crowd to Respect Women Besides the Ones He Sings About

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Foul Ball frontman Brendan Campbell declared during a show last night that “all women deserve to be treated with respect,” making an unspoken exception for the female subjects of his songs, witnesses confirmed.

“They just played ‘You Are Misery’s Company’ when Brendan said, ‘If you don’t respect women, then, fuck you! You’re not welcome here,’” said longtime fan Jared Ballel. “Everyone cheered, but got a lot louder when they jumped into ‘Pretty Little Liar,’” a song about Campbell’s ex-girlfriend’s alleged dishonesty and the tension caused between the singer and his friends.

Campbell’s between-song banter reportedly vacillated between pleas for equality and explanations for his deeply troubling lyrics.

“I remember when he started getting political. He said, ‘We have a real clown in the White House right now — just remember, the future is female,’” said Debbie Williams, who has now seen Foul Ball twice opening for other bands. “But then he added, ‘But if that female only exists to drive a wedge between you and your friends, then she needs to go. Never trust a pretty face,’ and then, sure enough, they played ‘Unfriend Zone.’”

As their set came to a close, Campbell only added to his respect for women at large, if not for specific women.

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“Being a feminist means treating your girl friends just like your guy friends,” Campbell said. “And if one of my guy friends slept with all of my guy friends, I’d call him a painted whore, too. It doesn’t matter that we aren’t dating. He could get a disease.”

“This next one is called ‘Painted Whore,’” he added.

Leading into fan favorite, “Captain Insano Shows No Mercy,” which features the lyrics “I’ll keep you in my heart / I’ll keep you in my fridge,” Campbell dedicated the remainder of the set to one woman, who remained anonymous because he “…didn’t want to name names, but she’s fake and lost the real respect we have for real women.”

At press time, Campbell was offering Foul Ball’s new LP for free to any woman willing to expose her breasts.