It’s sad that we have lawmakers who feel the need to dictate who is and is not fit for marriage, what constitutes a marriage, and ultimately what love itself is. So long as two people are of legal age, understand the marriage contract and want to be married, why should they be blocked from such thing? The answer is – the sanctity of marriage!

That is the answer if you ask someone like Gov. Rick Perry or any number of politicians that are so confused about what their invisible friend in the sky had to say about gay marriage (which is nothing mind you) that they take it upon themselves to do their best to make others miserable. They want to dictate who can marry. Who can legally have sex and how they can have it. How a married couple is supposed to conduct them self. Pretty much every detail of everything they can worm their way into, they want to tell us, the people, what we are supposed to do.

They say gay marriage will make a mockery of the institution. They say gay people are dealing with demons and disease that makes them so outside the “norm.” They say good God fearing people will see the erosion of family values unless they can ignore the laws regarding the separation of church and state and instill their own superior (In their minds) Christian mythology to save their lives, souls, the country and the world – Rick Perry’s own Christian campaign adviser has already actually stated that natural disasters are the result of God trembling over the moral depravity this nation is inundated with so…yeah…she’s kinda batshit, but he’s even more batshit for paying to listen to her!

Without further ado, here are actual United States laws regarding marriage and sex. Good, strong family values laws these people so against gay marriage must want to spread across the nation because they leave them on the books. These laws are examples of just how seriously lawmakers take laws regarding heterosexual marriages and the people involved in them – particularly women. Keep in mind, these are real laws (even if older blue laws in some cases) and they are legally enforceable. See if you agree – NOTHING any lawmaker has to say regarding barring same sex marriages is worth two shits smashed until they first address ALL of these laws and defend them in a public forum or repeal them. If candidates like Rick Perry want to be the POTUS, they should weigh in on whether states should have the right to create and enforce laws like these. If religious leaders want to pop off with diarrhea of the mouth about love and respect and family values, they should address these issues and encourage lawmakers in their states to do the “Christian” thing and repeal these laws – or pressure their counterparts in the appropriate localities to do so.

The sanctity of the husband/wife bond

To be a respectful lover, men in Washington may not have sex with any woman that is a virgin – including their own wife – INCLUDING on their wedding night. By this logic, men in Washington must either leave the state to get laid, hire a hooker, find a willing piece of livestock, spank the monkey, import a deflowered woman from another state or country, or perhaps just go without sex.

In Utah, a man may only legally have sex with a woman. That sex can only be intercourse. Penetration can only occur in the vagina. There is no butt-sex in Utah. Blowjobs do not exist in Utah. You cannot masturbate in Utah. You cannot even enjoy mutual masturbation under the guise of foreplay in Utah.

In West Virginia, it is legal to beat your wife 52 times each year under the following conditions: A man may only beat his wife on Sundays (Because evidently the christian God likes that?) and he has to make the beating public by doing it on the steps to a courthouse. There is no clarification as to whether the steps to a federal courthouse count or not.

It’s not just West Virginia that has laws allowing a man to beat their wife, hell basically encouraging it, Arkansas has one too. Arkansas protects women a bit more by only allowing a husband to beat his wife once each month. He cannot have “rollover” months where he carries his unused beatings from one month to the next. Any unused beatings are lost.

In Vermont, a woman is not allowed to make a basic decision for herself like whether or not to wear her false teeth (if she needs them) without first getting permission from her husband.

Michigan bars women from getting a haircut without the express permission of their husband – or eldest male relative if unmarried. it is unclear if a woman that only has her husbands permission rather than EXPRESS permission, will be allowed to get her hair teased or otherwise styled as a consolation prize.

The woman gets screwed – again!

In Massachusetts, it is illegal for a woman to be on top when making love. This presents an interesting dilemma seeing as same sex marriages are legal in Mass. If a married lesbian couple is making love, and one partner gets on top, is it okay? Does she have to be “Playing the man role?” Is it okay if she is butch in her appearance? Is it okay if she is wearing a strap-on? Would it be permissible for her to be on top if she uses a non-harnessed sex toy of some sort for penetration? These are the things that keep us awake late at night – lesbian sex and lot’s of it!

If you live in Georgia, none of that stuff about a woman on top possibly being okay if sex toys are used matters at all – sex toys are illegal in Georgia. Even if you call them marital aides, they are illegal. Anyone that has ever been in Georgia can tell you they have stores selling sex toys – tons of sex toys! Rubber kong dongs, rabbits, bullets, wands, pocket rockets, sex dolls, vibrators, vibratorzilla, lotions to numb, lotions to sensitive, lotions with nice tastes, dildos, harnesses and of course – the Sybian..sigh… It’s legal to sell them. You can even buy them. You just can’t possess them or use them. Figure that twisted logic out?

That raises an interesting question – if a book is considered to be, used as, or promoted by an “expert” as a “marital aide” in any way shape or form – would it then be illegal? Would a handbook on 100 ways to make your marriage happier be illegal? It would be an aide to improve a marriage, sooo…. Would the Bible be illegal too? If any member of the clergy were to use it or it’s teachings to improve a marriage in some way, it would be a form of a marital aide and should then be illegal to possess. They aren’t my laws, I just want to understand them.

Stupid Marriage and Sex Shit

In Kentucky, you may not remarry the same man four times – three times is perfectly fine though. A man, of course, may not remarry another man 4 times. A man however can remarry a woman 4 times. Try to figure that out. Basically, this was just a piece of wording so that if this law was violated, only the woman would be held legally liable while the man gets a free pass.

In Delaware, marriage is taken so seriously that if you claim that you got married as a joke or on a dare the punishment is – an annulment! But only if you want it. Evidently, scores of heterosexual couples got married as a gag so often that they actually enacted this as a law – and that was way before marriage equality for same sex couples was ever discussed.

Of special interest to single women in Illinois that are on the prowl dating men – be advised that in public – you as a woman are legally obligated to refer to nay man you date as “master.” Not Rick, not Bill, not ted, not Schmoopie, not Mr. Big, Mr. Little, Mr. Goodbar or any name that may be more fitting – just “MASTER.” A good way for women to avoid this is go gay – hell even if you just go gay for Shane, it’s better than calling some douchebag crying about his ex over drinks master.

Marriage is sacred in North Carolina, a state riddled with homophobic legislators as recent history has showed us, that if a man and a woman go to a hotel and register as man and wife – that is all it actually takes to be legally married. That means that a buttload of men that took their girlfriend to a hotel and did this are married. That means that a ton of men that were already married and took their girlfriend or prostitute to a hotel and registered as man and wife (which just means a room booked in the man’s name, even if using a pseudonym, as a party of two where the other party is a woman) ARE NOW BIGAMISTS under NC state law. Suck it haters!

Oddly enough, back in good ‘ol NC, it is illegal for a man to peep on a woman through a window. A woman is legally allowed to peep on a man. A woman can peep on another woman. A man can peep in on another man. In a weird way, isn’t the NC legislature encouraging gay peeping?

Technically speaking, any Christian that follows one of the Orthodox versions of that mythology is forbidden to have sex on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday – the holy trinity of the days of the week. Over time, as churches began to splinter, it became a draw of sorts to get people into the splinter factions by allowing it’s new followers to have sex on one of the “forbidden days” sin-free. Over time, it was just ignored, but it’s still technically the way it’s supposed to be.

Even the Sex Lives of Animals Get Legislated!

In the US, it is illegal to use live endangered species for or in any public or private sexual act or exhibit that showcases or displays cross-species sexual acts. Unless it’s an endangered insect, so technically – you can be a bug fucker.

In Utah, the state where you can’t get a blowjob or handy-J, you can have wild butt crazy sex with any animal you can get your hands on (except humans) in any way shape or form you want it. Just make sure you only have sex with animals for your own pleasure, not profit. Fucking animals for profit in Utah is illegal.

In Minnesota, a man may not have intercourse with a living fish – a dead fish is presumably okay, however there is no clear language stating one way or the other.

In Florida, you may not have sex with a porcupine – male or female. That just sounds like good common sense not in need of being legislated, but….

In North Carolina, you are forbidden from having sex with a drunken fish. One can only assume however that sex with a sober fish is fine since there is no explicit legislation against that. How the hell do you pick up a fish and get it in the mood without a few cocktails?

In Texas, it is illegal to have sex with a chicken. It is however legal for the chicken to have sex with a human.

Sure these are basically all blue laws, but they are enforceable. If people that want marriage to be taken seriously and want to rattle on about Christian values as a part of their electoral campaigns, then they should start by acting like what they espouse everyone else needs to be. If Rick Perry wants me to take him even remotely seriously – do away with chickens fucking people in Texas! If Michele Bachmann wants me to take her views on sex and marriage seriously stop people from fucking dead fish! If anyone in the NC legislature wants me to take them seriously when they talk about how dangerous or twisted same sex marriages are, for the love of the Spaghetti Monster, clean up the foul shit that is actually on the books about sex and marriage before trying to tell me you know what is best for me. But above all else, blue law or not, remove any language from any law in any state that legally allows beating your spouse!