





Features & Benefits of CryptoGraph

Transaction speeds across the CryptoGraph will be fast due to index-free adjacency.



All CryptoGraph transactions will be ACRID compliant (atomic, consistent, really cool, isolated and durable).



Our visitors will enjoy casual consistency, which is how we will describe our customer experience in each branch.



In a strategic cross-promotional move, Neo 4 Java will be made available at every CryptoGraph branch; purchasable only in NebberCoins, of course.



Our connections-first approach to the future includes combining the disruptive futures of CarBnb, IoT, artificial intelligence and blockchain (soon to be outdated by CryptoGraph, we’re sure).



And unlike other cryptocurrencies, miners and traders will be able to print out a physical representation of their virtual Nebber currency, which will feature a personal QR code that not only represents the holdings in their CryptoGraph account, but also consolidates information such as medical history, criminal records, employment backgrounds, property holdings, as well as retail and social media histories, all in one convenient form. Analog: the ultimate in digital privacy!

The Technology Behind CryptoGraph

Rollout Timeline

Final Thoughts on CryptoGraph

About Neo4j, Inc.

SAN MATEO, Calif. – APRIL 1, 2019 – In a bold nod to the future, Neo4j, the #1 platform for connected data, unveiled its plans for CryptoGraph, a next-generation cryptocurrency trading and storage platform. In order to fund CryptoGraph, Neo4j has also established its own brick-and-mortar cryptocurrency mining network to generate Nebuchadnezzar, a new digital currency.“At the turn of the century, we invented the property graph and wrote Neo4j with the intent that it would drive innovation across multitudes of industries ,” said CEO of Neo4j and Virtual Exchequer, Emil Eifrem . “And that’s exactly what has happened. Our customers are building AI-powered customer experience apps, innovating with retail chatbots, fighting a shadow war with the Yeti, and smartening buildings, homes and malls with things on the internet (ToI).”Nebuchadnezzar – the digital currency available exclusively on the CryptoGraph platform – has been affectionately nicknamed by our beta testers as NebberCoins. As the only truly native graph cryptocurrency, NebberCoins will no doubt become the dominant digital currency due to their connections-first approach to data.“CryptoGraph includes Nebber mining, trading and storage wallets, all in one,” Eifrem said. “CryptoGraph, funded with Nebuchadnezzar, is the culmination and extension of the most common Neo4j use cases and leverages its most advanced features. So we decided to combine and fund them all!”According to Eifrem, Neo4j has a well graphed-out plan for CryptoGraph and Nebuchadnezzar over the next few years.“Our plan is bold; we intend to expand and invest,” continued Eifrem. “Rather than using passe technology like clouds, we will be opening physical Nebber mines that deliver this unique virtual experience.“This is made possible because our customers in retail have disrupted traditional, inventory-driven vendors like RadioShed. The plan is to start in empty mall spaces, targeting former RadioShed stores – most of them have spare inventory of past generation video graphics cards and transistors along with ample unused network bandwidth to connect adjacent CryptoGraph branches across North America and Europe.”The CryptoGraph platform will look a lot like a Charles Schwap branch crossed with a RadioShed, with both traders and miners working on either side of the facility:The CryptoGraph tech stack is straightforward, because making it cryptic seemed too on-point.CryptoGraph will not run on our mainstay graph database but will instead run on the Neo5j graph platform . The kernel of Neo5j is NullDB , which is capable of beating the CAP theorem and scalable to an infinite number of clustered servers. NullDB has such strong privacy cred that its the only gun registration database endorsed by the NRA.Furthermore, the CryptoGraph platform will be backwards-compatible with Neo4j Matrix Edition . We made this decision because NebberCoin traders and miners will need to think fast once this cryptocurrency takes off, and having their brain in a graph database will be essential to making rapid-fire, multi-hop decisions, like where to go out to lunch today.Best of all, due to its analog-friendly nature, the CryptoGraph trading platform will be continually optimized by the data-hungry Der Hunger Query Optimizer (secretly powered by Neo 4 Java ), who will ensure the entire CryptoGraph operation runs continually day and night without stopping, ever (even if he’s on vacation).The rollout of CryptoGraph and Nebuchadnezzar will be done in phases.It will first start with the most empty retail mall space, and eventually move into more thriving retail centers such as airport concourses, hotel gift shops and vacation destinations. The full build-out may take many months, but the anticipation of the globally-connected CryptoGraph will be totally worth it.The CryptoGraph platform is the culmination of nearly two decades of investment in graph mathematics and technology at Neo4j.The above mentioned innovations of the CryptoGraph trading platform illustrate the overwhelming importance of human connectedness. It seamlessly blends our analog experiences with our digital lifestyles and can be enjoyed by everyone who inhabits the planet, even sentient AIs hiding in the dark web.Due to our expectations of its wild and runaway success, we plan to use the profits from the CryptoGraph platform and Nebuchanezzar to fund the next phase of Neo4j’s 20-year plan to finally invent an actually workable and awesome-looking hovercraft.Neo4j is the leading graph database platform that drives innovation and competitive advantage at Mao-Kwikowski Mercantile, Ingen, Buy-N-Large, Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, Delos Inc., Soylent Corporation, the Daily Planet, Tyrell Corporation, Stark Industries, Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes and more. Thousands of community deployments and over 9000 customers harness connected data with Neo4j to reveal how people, processes, systems, conspiracies, locations, timelines, dark elves and conflicting fan theories are all interrelated.Using this relationships-first approach, applications built using Neo4j tackle tomorrow’s connected data challenges including fraud detection, artificial intelligence, terraforming Mars, DNA analysis and reconstruction for dinosaurs, virtual reality dystopias and machines that rebel against humans in Western-styled theme parks. Find out more at Neo4j.com ***

Update: This is an April Fool’s Day article; please don’t take it seriously!