CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A recent study by the office of Transport and Infrastructure has found that blindly mashing the stop/go button at street crossings is a good way to get across the street faster.

A statement from The Hon Darren Chester MP, Minister for Infrastructure and Transport has revealed that impatient commuters that make a scene by pressing the button heaps are actually onto something.

“What we have found is that the system isn’t automated at all, and the crossing buttons are just waiting for pedestrians to let them know how eager they are to cross the road”

“Our advice to anyone in a rush is the press the button like 5 or 6 times non-stop before letting out a sigh and checking your watch”

“It’s also especially effective if a group of more than 3 people all press it in front of each other”

This comes only a month after the Melbourne City Council revealed they were working on methods of making this experience less frustrating for pedestrians by changing the green cross light to an icon of Shane Warne.

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews said that an Warnie-icon was the most sensible way to appease the left-wing echo chamber who had been getting worked up about gender stereotypes.

“Warnie is an icon in himself. He transcends gender, race and class. He is the pinnacle of Victoria. The greatest thing we have ever produced”

“Shane Keith is universally loved by all sides of politics and all age groups. He will now be entrenched in the heart of our city for many years to come. As a state icon, and a street light icon”

Local whingeing leftie and part-time Moroccan drumming instructor, Niall Lupi, says as hard as he tries, he’s unable to find anything offensive with this new proposed shape of LED lights.

“Warnie… I guess you can’t argue with that”