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I get kicked out of a bar with Rocket Man, Sean watches golf, we plan a World War II re-enactment, Oktoberfest, Asterios makes a staggering bet regarding his ex-wife, Peach Saliva calls in to chew someone out, a bouncer gets his penis touched, Lettuce Jones tells us why he’s going to jail, Cookie Shaming, Celebs at Sporting Events, Holiday Ghost Towns, the computer illiterate, and what “gross” thing did I do to Larry; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Some people say we’re living in a simulation. It’s true, and I know the person whose simulation it is. I talk about getting kicked out of a bar with my friend Rocket Man and going to Oktoberfest with the only man in the world I am afraid to drink with, but first…

The unthinkable dream has been dreamed, the Patreon goal has been met, and The Dick Show is going on the road with Road Rage 2017! As of this recording, The Dick Show Patreon has crossed the $15,000 mark, making it one of the top non-nude, non-furry, non-nude-furry Patreons in the world! And also guaranteeing that the Road Rage comedy tour including me, Sean, Asterios, and possibly many other show favorites will be coming to your town. To help me get a sense of where you guys are and to make it easier for me to pull a traveling comedy show out of my ass, please fill out this form. I’m not sure when these events will take place. It depends on how quickly I can fill Sean’s rider. Thank you all and I can’t wait to get shit-faced with you.

Where you at? (the form)

Meanwhile, back at the rage. This week, I bring in Fake Anxiety, the modern day version of covering your eyes with your hands so they can’t see the shit you’re trying to pull. It is a language virus that’s spreading like a house fire in a world where innovations in victimization blanket the Earth through social media at the speed of light. Did reading “house fire” cause you to interrupt everyone’s day around you with a bunch of attention seeking bullshit? If it did, you might be suffering from Fake Anxiety! How else do you spot a Fake Anxiety? I really don’t know. What I do know is the next time someone tells me their wiener dog is actually a therapy dog and that’s why it needs to go grocery shopping with them, I’m going to shove it right up their ass and then send a bigger dog therapy dog in after it. The therapy is for me and the dog will be a professional.

Next, Lettuce Jones is heading to jail, but before he goes, he calls in to The Dick Show to tell us why. The answer might surprise you! It’s a tale of mystery, romance, and unbridled enthusiasm as Lettuce gets caught up in the pomp and pedicure of East Coast high society, and then entangled and ensnared in a web of its scandal and betrayal. Lettuce raised their skirts with his brash, cocksure attitude, but he also raised the ire of the testosterone-laden, upper class elite–blue blooded thugs in lacrosse uniforms and trust funds who didn’t take kindly to outsiders. Were Lettuce’s street smarts and cool wit enough to keep him out of trouble? Yes, but ultimately, Lettuce Jones takes the fall for a crime of passion committed by the brother of a woman he fell in love with even though she was promised to another man. His only real crime was loving too much, and for that he is guilty.

Just kidding. It turns out he beat the hell out of a guy. If you’d like to send Lettuce some books to help him pass time in the jail, head on over to The Dick Show subreddit and see if you can find Lettuce’s bagman. Lettuce also proposes a radical new ability-based system of Drunk Driving certification that sounds similar to children’s karate belts, but would probably more accurately be represented by the Homeland Security Terror Alert. In Lettuce World, the danger is always high.

Then, Asterios reads a somber statement regarding his ex-wife and enlists the help of DickHeads everywhere in a snipe hunt that could last a lifetime when it is revealed that Asterios was apparently married to Maris Crane from Frasier who needs a new place to live that is a hyperbaric chamber on the surface of the moon made out of hypoallergenic cats. If you or anyone you know happens to be one of those colorful assholes from the Intel Pentium MMX commercials circa 1997 and has access to such a clean room, please let Asterios know ASAP by donating to his Patreon.

Peach Saliva calls in to give Asterios Kokkinos a Lettuce Jones sized ass-whooping for taking credit for her bits. It turns out the comedy genius behind the recent Letters from Sean tapes is actually…a woman! It’s classic example of sexism in Hollywood and Peach cracks Asterios’ coconuts wide open for it. She then tries to bust Asterios for something that’s completely normal: sort of jerking off on the phone while you’re talking to someone at the same time.

A series of the cutest fan art this show will ever see by sicherpolizei.

And a thumbnail with a license to ill by Brandon of Maximum! Panic. Watch his livestream all day every day to see how the magic is made.

If you’d like to pick up the T-shirt I was wearing in the episode, the Escape from Hollywood shirt is on sale now in The Dick Store.

See you next Tuesday! I’ll try to get Larry on then to see what it was that I did to him.

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