Sex Devices from Across the Ages

Human beings have been having sex for like,forever. In that time we’ve managed to start hundreds of wars, invent television, and suspenders have gone in and out of style more than once. While all of those things were happening, people were having sex. And when people weren’t having sex, they were masturbating, possibly with some of these vintage sex toys! What did they look like, you ask? Well, check out this list of old sex toys, used throughout the history of sex toys, and try to wrap your head around how one would use any of the items on this list discretely (you can’t, they’re giant).

The sex toys on this list date back as far as the early 19th century (or even BCE!). Back then, people weren’t as open as they are now about sex, and no one wanted to know about your “alone time.” Some women were considered insane and the only cure was manual stimulation – that’s where the toys on this list come in. At the time they weren’t considered toys, and even into the 1980s some of the items on this list were considered to be “muscle massagers” even though the only muscles they were massaging were in very private areas.

“Personal” Massager (1960s) Thanks 1960s advertising, we get it. Vibra Finger Gum Massager (1950s) Sure. That’s definitely for massaging your gums. Vibratouch (1970s) Interestingly enough, the Vibratouch looks exactly like the Fourth Doctor’s sonic screwdriver. Steam-Powered Manual Manipulator (1869) Why haven’t steam punks brought this monstrosity back into fashion? Life Like ‘Love Maid’ Now this is some good ol’ fashioned nightmare fuel. The Prelude (1976) Sex toys should be fun and easy, not overwhelming and full of parts you aren’t quite sure what to do with. The Hitachi (Late ’60s – Early ’70s) Looks like a flashlight, sounds like an electronics company! Horse Exercise Machine (19th Century) It may not be the first sex toy, but it’s definitely the only one that looks like a horse! Vibro Battery Massager (1960s) Should there be a pair of quotes around “body”? Ivory/Jade C*** Rings (800 BCE) Umm… there’s no way this was comfortable. Rolling Pin Heat Massager (1932) Finally, a sex toy that doubles as an important kitchen gadget! Wahl Hand-E Massager (1957) You can probably count the number of necks this vibrator has touched on one hand. Doctor Prescribed Vibrating Chair (Late 19th Century) If this chair was for men, there would be lines around the corner. Stim-U-Lax Junior Massage Instrument (1948) If the Stim-U-Lax Senior was too much for you, maybe the Junior will be more your speed. Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator (1906) Vibrator, or ray gun? Vibrosage (1933) There’s no way anyone was using this as a scalp massager. The Spot Reducer (1950s) Sex toy or camping lantern? No way to know ! Dr. Macaura’s Pulsocon Blood Circulator (1880 – 1920) It’s like an egg beater, but for your genitals. Rex-Ray Vibrator (1940s) Vibrator, or prop from a John Waters film? Pelvic Douche Device (1750) You needed an entire table for this? Oster Professional 103 Stim-U-Lax Massager (Mid-20th Century) This looks like it would make you explode if you used it for too long. Star Home Electric Vibrator (Late 19th Century) This is pretty on the nose for 19th century advertising. Polar Club Electric Vibrator (1928) Is this item supposed to make you cold? Or are you supposed to use it if you’re cold? Is it really just a hair dryer? Hollywood Vibra-Tone (1940s) Was this a favorite of Hollywood stars? Vibratile (1899) “Neuralgia” is the best excuse to get out of work. The Vibra-King Activator (1922) Truly, the vibrator fit for a king. The Massage Master VII (1928) Massage Master VII is the best Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. Infra-Red Heat Massager (1900s) Believe it or not, these “massagers” still exist The Handy Hannah (1950) There’s nothing like a vibrator with a suction cup! Yuck! The Arnold Massage Vibrator (1909) Are you sure this isn’t for beating someone over the head? The Niagara Hand Unit (1965–1976) This one is a big “no thank you.” The Hand Crank VeeDee (1900) 1. No thank you to hand cranks in the junk area.

2. Does it have to be called the “VD”? The Chic Electric Vibrator (1910) Does chic mean “looks like a judge’s gavel?” The Steam-Powered, Coal-Fired “Manipulator” Probably the least environmentally-friendly vibrator ever invented. The Eskimo 750 (1949) So someone looked at this and said, “I’ll call it…The Eskimo”?