Pickup artists are not going away. As long as there's a planet (or at least an OKCupid) for them to meet women on and a Reddit where they can swap tales of sexscapades that probably didn't actually happen, the PUA will continue to exist among us — at the club, on the street, maybe even at work. They are the Gollum to our Bilbo. They want the ring (RING=VAGINA) and they will dizzy you with riddles in order to get it.


Don't feel defeated. Though pickup artists may try to convince you otherwise, you are a strong, independent woman with a handful of defenses that you can use against them. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to deflect like a pro.

Negging

Negging is the most well known PUA technique, probably because it's also one of the most despicable. According to PUA blog Seduction Science, negging is dropping subtle insults into a conversation in order to "lower a girl’s social value in relation to yours."


Here are some of their examples of good negs:

“You know, your body language is all closed off. It makes you look like one of those newborns I saw on the discovery channel when they came out of the womb – all curled up.” “Hey, you’re a goof.” “I like your eyes. Hey… are you wearing colored contacts??? (before she can answer) Oh my god, no way, you are…”

Don't get me wrong. These are all very good negs. Excellent, soul crushing negs. Some of the best negs in the business maybe, but that doesn't mean that you have to sit back and take it if someone approaches you with one.

If you suspect that you might be getting negged, try playing along. If they insult your face, sadly excuse yourself for the restroom. While in the bathroom, take out your lipstick and draw a new face on top of your old face. You can make this new face look like anything you want — a movie star, a model, a cat. The world is your oyster! (You could also make yourself look like an oyster.)


Once you return to the group, the PUA will be looking at you in a new way. Cuddle up to him (PUA's love unsolicited touching) and whisper in his ear "I'm a fancy girl. Don't you love your fancy girl? I changed for you. I'll always change for you. I'm your fancy, fancy girl."

This will probably turn your PUA off, not because you have lipstick all over your face, but because you got clingy and if there's one thing PUA's hate — besides respecting women — it's a girl who's being clingy.


Kino

Short for kinesthetics, "kino" is PUA language for light touching in order to get a lady in the mood.


PUA Training advises:

The moment you start speaking to [a girl], touch her arm or shoulder to initiate kino. Don’t touch her for longer than a couple of seconds each time because it will come across as creepy.


Again, this is where you can beat a pickup artist at his own game. If you notice a man initiating kino on you, initiate back. Don’t touch him for longer than a couple of seconds each time though because — like PUA Training tells us — it will come across as creepy. Try treating a man's torso like the number pad on a telephone. Dial your parents' number, your middle school best friend's number, any number that you can think of, but don't forget to make the sound of the dial tone with your mouth or else you'll not only come off as creepy — you'll come off as foolish, too.

Beyond Kino

Kickstarter recently caused a rightful ruckus by hosting the fundraising effort of Redditor/PUA author Ken Hoinsky (known online as "TofuTofu") and his guidebook Above The Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome with Women. In the book, Hoinsky advises that one way for a man to get what he wants is through good old fashioned sexual assault. Oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


He writes:

“Decide that you’re going to sit in a position where you can rub her leg and back. Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances.”


If someone ever picks you up and puts you in his lap and you don't want to be there, the best response is right there in your butt.


The Opener

Pickup artists endlessly stress the importance of a good opening line. PUA Training recommends starting with a simple “Excuse me, I just have to tell you something…”


In this awkward situation, tell the offending PUA that you don't speak English. If he says that you seem to speak English just fine, tell him that you only communicate through the language of dance. Have a routine ready. This is very important and could determine the success of the next few moments if not the rest of your life. If he joins in easily, he might actually be your soulmate. (Congratulations.) If he stares on blankly, it's time to get real close and whisper "Maybe in another life, baby" before dancing out of reach.

If you fall for it..

If you end up in a situation where you willingly have sex with a pickup artist, try not to beat yourself up about it. Let she who has never slept with an adult man in a fur top hat cast the first stone, I always say.


Rinse off the AXE body spray you likely picked up through contact, get dressed and start again. You can always show off your deflecting dance routine next time.