Curious to know why some kids persevere while others don’t? Discover the 5 characteristics of a resilient child and what gritty kids do differently.

My eight-year-old had done a really neat trick with a blob of slime (yes, slime). He had stretched it out to a thin layer, held it in front of his face, then blew on it to make a “bubble.” It looked exactly how bubble gum would look when you blow on it.

Not surprisingly, one of my five-year-old twins was intrigued. So much so that he decided he wanted to try the trick as well.

At that point, I was already cringing inside. In truth, I didn’t think he’d be able to get it right, what with being younger and all. And the last thing I wanted was for him to feel disappointed, much less frustrated.

His first few tries to blow a similar slime bubble only confirmed my expectations: his bubble was nowhere as good as his older brother’s. He then took his slime to the kitchen where I actually hoped he’d call it a day, preferably before he realized how difficult a task it was to do.

But thank goodness I never said anything or revealed what I was thinking. Because the next thing I knew, he ran out of the kitchen, slime in hand, and said, “Look mama—I did it!” And boy, did he do it. Despite my initial doubts, my little boy proved me wrong.

5 characteristics of a resilient child

You have to hand it to kids who don’t seem unfettered by challenges. Where one bad moment isn’t enough to ruin the rest of the day, or when they can look at their failures and not give a hoot.

Sure, all kids have thrown a fit when they couldn’t do something right, especially after several tries. But I’ve found that resilient kids above all have a knack for persevering despite the odds against them.

What characteristics do resilient kids have that sets them apart? What do they do differently from other kids, or even adults?

Take a look at these five characteristics of a resilient child, and what your little one is doing differently from the rest:

1. Resilient kids have a growth mindset

It’s disheartening to see kids who crumble because they got an answer wrong or they can’t make a basket or their drawing just isn’t turning out right. And truth be told, all kids will experience this at one point or another. I know I’ve done my fair share of consoling.

But watch resilient kids and you’ll see they tend to dust themselves off and move on.

This isn’t to say that the initial failure was pleasant, but they also don’t identify with it as a person. They don’t think, “This drawing was horrible—that must mean I’m a horrible artist.” No, instead they tell themselves, “This drawing was horrible—I guess I can practice some more.”

With grit and tenacity, they know that they can change their behavior, habits, and choices, and get different results. While resilient kids know that failure is inevitable, they don’t let it stop them, either.

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2. Resilient kids have deep, genuine connections to others

From everyday stress to more serious traumas, resilient kids are better able to cope with life’s challenges because they have a deep connection to others. For most kids, this means a solid bond with their parents, but other parent-substitutes can do the job as well, from grandparents to teachers.

What is it about connection that leads to resilience?

The consistency and reliability of a strong relationship helps kids weather challenges they face. They might have had a fight with a friend at school, but if their family life at home is stable and predictable, it’s easier to see the fight as something they can get through.

Unconditional love also reassures kids that they themselves are fine, and that any setbacks they face aren’t necessarily a reflection of who they are.

As I say in my book, 31 Days to Better Parenting:

“Most of us will agree we love our kids unconditionally. But do our kids know that? We smother them with kisses during happy times only to send them away when they’re upset. Be there for your child, through all her emotions. She’ll feel like all her feelings are welcome. You don’t pick and choose which ones you’d like her to feel, or withhold your affection when she’s upset. She knows you love her no matter what. From tickle fests to tantrums, from ‘I love you’s’ to hurtful words.”

Get more tips on the importance of showing unconditional love.

3. Resilient kids feel competent

Confident and willing to try new things, resilient kids stretch themselves and are more likely to take risks and step outside of their comfort zones.

If they happen to fail, they don’t tie the failure to their identities—instead, they change course, knowing they can always try again. They tell themselves stories, or personal narratives, to boost themselves up and go at it again.

But if they happen to succeed, then that only adds to their mastery and competence, that feeling of “Yes, I can do this!”

And on it cycles, as they try even more challenges and step further into new experiences.

Learn why you should encourage competence over confidence in children.

4. Resilient kids have a positive outlook

Let’s say you and your child were planning to walk to the neighborhood park and play on the playground. Except once you arrived, it turned out that the entire playground area was closed off for construction.

As a backup plan, the two of you decide to simply walk around the block and explore the area. “Well, at least it’s still a nice day!” she later comments.

Resilient kids have an uncanny way of having a positive outlook, even in the face of hassles, stress, and yes, a change of plans. They’re more likely to “wing it” and be willing to go along with whatever happens, because few things can make them feel down.

5. Resilient kids are creative

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One of the reasons that challenges, mistakes, and failures serve us well is because it forces us to be creative. And this is none more true than with resilient kids. They’re less willing to admit defeat and would rather go above and beyond to find creative ways to do well.

Let’s say you and your child are waiting in line at the post office, and just as luck would have it, the line is moving slowly. Rather than whine or complain, he instead finds creative ways to keep himself entertained, to keep from succumbing to the boredom that he would otherwise feel.

Whether waiting in long lines, falling off the monkey bars, or not getting a toy he wanted, a resilient child doesn’t give up so quickly. Instead, he’ll look for ways to overcome the situation, from playing a game in line to gripping the bars a different way.

Read The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey

How to raise resilient kids

Most people would agree that how children succeed comes from hard work. Reaching an achievement requires practice and effort not for the lazy, but we forget one underlying factor essential for success: pure, simple resilience.

Every one of us—including our kids—will fail. Despite hard work, we won’t always get what we want or what we strive for.

But resilience keeps us from giving up. We bounce back, grieve expectations and losses, and learn from mistakes. And we try again, and again.

Kids are better suited to resilience than most adults and are some of the grittiest among us. Think about the baby learning to walk despite a zillion falls, bumps and scrapes, or the preschooler who will park himself in front of a puzzle until he completes it.

Somewhere along the way, we sometimes lose this skill. We get down on ourselves when we don’t know all the answers, or would rather be complacent than learn something new.

How can we raise kids with grit, resilience and perseverance?

1. Embrace struggle and mistakes

The only way to develop resilience is to be able to face the struggles and mistakes to bounce back from.

When you see your toddler trying to piece the two building blocks together, don’t interrupt. He might not figure it out, even for weeks or months, but he’ll have learned to build the resilience to keep trying and to know when to let it go.

And treat mistakes as some of the best teachers that they are. They’re not something to feel ashamed of, but areas to improve.

We all want to hear our kids are brilliant. When their teachers say they’re reading above grade level, we beam. But when we hear they struggled with their long-vowel sounds, we panic for a moment.

Don’t. Your kids won’t master everything and will fall short of something for being the humans they are. Treat shortcomings as markers for where to focus on. Mistakes aren’t terrible—we can learn so much from them.

This outlook has offered me a new way to look at easy versus hard, especially with my kids’ abilities. I don’t praise them for breezing through homework. Instead, I’ll make a note that they need more challenging work.

Read more on how to teach kids to embrace mistakes.

2. Let your kids take risks

If you’re like me, your heart races when your toddler climbs on playground equipment. Why don’t they put more metal bars on the sides? I think. They could fall right off!

But I try not to hover over my kids and let them take appropriate risks instead. I also try not to say, “Be careful!” every 10 seconds and instead offer my help, or a suggestion.

Because risks are good. Kids need to feel like they can master difficulty and yes, even danger. In taking risks, kids overcome the doubt that comes with trying new things.

Learn how to stop hovering over your child.

3. Expose your kids to new experiences and environments

Routine is good, but once in a while, expose your kids to new experiences and places. With you nearby, they’ll learn that the unfamiliar can be something exciting (or at least, something to learn from).

Is your child afraid of something, like the beach for instance? Before you write the beach off as a place you won’t ever go back to, consider returning once in a while. Let her gradually acclimate. She needs time to explore on her own terms, not on your expectations.

With enough exposure and gentle guidance, she’ll learn that the beach can be a fun place to visit.

The same is true for different environments. Take her to festivals, libraries, and the pool. Introducing new experiences helps her overcome initial wariness and face it with confidence.

4. Let your kids pursue a passion

Encourage self-motivation through your child’s passions. If she’s already interested in a topic or hobby, she’ll likely stick with it, even through its challenges.

What do you do if she’s interested in something you’re not? Or has an interest that other kids don’t typically like? Don’t judge—everyone has their own interests. Kids don’t always have to play the “right way.”

Support her passions and inklings, no matter how different they may be from your own. This thirst for more will help her develop better focus and resilience.

Read why we need to encourage our children’s interests.

5. Encourage effort, hard work, and finding strategies

I’m not a fan of typical praise, and prefer the ones that focus on effort. When kids believe they’re “a natural,” they’re more likely to avoid trying. Why try, if they’re supposed to be good at it already?

Instead, praise effort and hard work: “All right! You didn’t give up when the puzzle got hard, and look at you now—you’ve gotten so many pieces together.”

Or praise for finding new strategies and correcting their mistakes. “I like how you found a new way to stack those blocks. Now the roof is holding up well.”

Focusing on effort instead of innate skills teaches kids to keep trying, even when it’s hard. They’ll embrace challenge, not complacency. Psychologist Angela Duckworth writes in her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance:

“In my view, the biggest reason a preoccupation with talent can be harmful is simple: By shining our spotlight on talent, we risk leaving everything else in the shadows. We inadvertently send the message that these other factors—including grit—don’t matter as much as they really do.”

Get more tips about praising effort and hard work.

6. Love the journey, not the end

Back in high school and college, I used to belong to dance groups. I was part of the dance team, and I also belonged to cultural dance and hip hop groups. In all those years, I can barely remember my time on stage.

But the process of getting to that stage… amazing. I loved bonding with folks I wouldn’t have known. Practicing every day to finally do a splits (wish I could still do them!). Laughing, eating and sharing stories. Inside jokes.

Life experiences are like that, aren’t they? You remember the hard work of getting there the most. You practice and work and improve, and you build resilience.

Yes, the goal is to “win” or perform or solve a puzzle or create an art piece. But you’ll get there much wholesomely—and have more fun—with hard-earned resilience and grit.

Check out these children’s books about perseverance.

Conclusion

To help your child thrive and excel, encourage the characteristics of a resilient child that will serve him well.

Resilient kids have a growth mindset and understand that effort, and not an innate ability, is what helps them do well. They feel strong connections with others and rely on consistent routines to better weather changes that happen in life.

Resilient kids feel competent and are more willing to try new things and take risks, and tend to have a positive outlook on life, regardless of the obstacles they face. And finally, resilient kids find creative ways to overcome these obstacles, whether big or small.

Who knew that blowing slime bubbles would remind me of the importance of encouraging resilience in my kids? But the confidence and joy my son felt at having made the perfect slime bubble could only have stemmed from the resilience that encouraged him to keep trying.

Get more tips:

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