DOCTOR: What brings you in today?

YOU: Hi, Doc. I guess I just want to know if it’s normal to feel this way, like if I have reason to be so excited.

Have you, now or ever before, experienced sensations of meaningful winning, championship hockey, or even mild playoff success?

No. Well, once, twenty years ago. But I just ended up in Detroit, beat up and swept in the gutter.

That’s common in Detroit.

I was diagnosed with Acute Hasek Disorder.

How about your opponent; have they had a large amount of postseason success?

Yes, and they won’t shut up about it.

That’s one of the symptoms. Did they experience it recently?

Yes, last year. They lost in the finals to a team that didn’t even make the playoffs this season.

Success is a condition that comes and goes, like gout or diarrhea.

Well I’d like some of it.

Let’s run some more tests. How severe is the lead, now?

We’re up 3-1 in the series.

That’s quite a lead.

I know!

Has your opponent ever come back from that deficit before?

…Yes.

How recently?

…Last year.

I see. So they have a history of it?

Well, I don’t know about a history. I mean, they did it once…

Have you ever done it?

…No.

I’ll go ahead and mark down that they have a history of it.

You should probably do that.

And how about your team? Do they feel strong?

Stronger than they’ve ever felt!

Stable?

Rock solid!

Healthy?

Not a man out of place!

I’ll go ahead and mark down that you’re overdue for a string of devastating injuries.

Okay.

Now, about your opponent’s goaltender…

*Gags*

I see your goalie reflex is working; is he very good?

He’s the best in the league and he’s also a supermodel.

That’s impressive. I…don’t suppose you have a photo of him I could have, do you? You know, to…to study?

Doctor!

I apologize. One final question.

Sure.

Just for insurance purposes.

Uh-oh.

Who is your team, again?

The Washington Capitals.

You’re on your own, you poor bastard.