Christmas is coming, and Jon Hozier-Byrne is stuffed full of humbugs – of both the antisocial and fattening varieties. This week, he explains why Santa is a total dickbag.

Everyone loves Santa Claus. The fucker has it made – countless movie deals, he can fly, and he gets to give Coke to polar bears whenever he feels like it. The man is literally living every single one of my dreams, and no-one ever calls him on his bullshit. Well, no longer. Here is the definitive list of reasons Santa Claus sucks more dick than the Wang-Wrangler 3000, with its setting stuck on ‘prison rape’ (to purchase your own prototype version of the Wang-Wrangler 3000, contact [email protected]).

1) Santa hates poor families.

Did you ever wonder why Santa seemed to a bit more generous with the kids in your primary school class who had surnames like ‘Blake’ or ‘Brody’, and less generous to kids with surnames like ‘Reilly’ or ‘O’ Toole’? That’s because Santa is the kind of person who shops in Aldi, but brings his own M&S plastic bags for the trip home.

If your parents aren’t rich Santa looks down on you for it, and nobody seems to care. Surely, if you had an infinite magical toy-making factory, you might prioritize the kids who aren’t already rich enough to live an ideal life of extreme sports, recreational drug abuse, and wearing the obligatory rich-kid uniform of a crested blazer and short shorts. Maybe, you would throw the bone to the poor kids – they can pretend it’s a sword, or a magic wand, or a syringe full of the life-saving vaccine for the polio that their body is slowly succumbing to. Or, get them a Ben 10 or something. Basically, Santa is the snobby asshole from Titanic, but without the personal grooming, or the first act where he pretends he doesn’t hate poor kids.

2) Santa is pro-slavery.

Santa Claus, as we know him today, came to prominence during the American Civil War, when cartoonist Thomas Nast drew pictures of Saint Nicholas that became popular with the Union soldiers. Abe Lincoln was even quoted as saying that these images of Santa helped win the war for the North. At the time, Santa was raging, because he loves him some indentured servants.

This is a classic alright, but no-one seems to care that all the elves are basically a slave race. Maybe they do get paid, I don’t have that information (I could Google it for accuracy, but that’s not really what this article is all about). Say even if they do get paid, where are they going to spend it? There aren’t any Centras at the North Pole. What meager currency they do have is mostly likely being fed into the black market and mini-prostitution, such is the nature of an autarkical, urbanized economy. So, Santa is basically a cross between a Brazilian slumlord and Omar out of the Wire.

3) Santa is, at best, a borderline pedo.

This is an old one but a good one, which ironically, is probably the exact opposite of a thing Santa would say. Let’s put aside the whole ‘he sees you when you’re sleeping’ thing, as terrifying and police state-ish as it is, and concentrate on the certain facts. We know the man has a remarkable pre-occupation with children – so much in fact, that he has set up a whole industrial complex dedicated to them. We know he, by his own admission, breaks into children’s bedrooms at night. We know that he tours shopping centers across the world, where he has convinced parents to bring their children to him and getting them to sit on his knee. Can you imagine if anyone you knew did this? One trip to the mall with a sign saying ‘Come sit on George’s knee’ and you’d be thrown in jail faster than you can say “that’s just the way my trousers folded when I sat down.”

4) Santa is a racist.

You know who else didn’t bring presents to Jewish boys and girls? Hitler.

5) Santa bangs animals.

Ok, this one may be a stretch, and I may have no hard evidence, but that’s not to say the reindeer haven’t encountered some hard evidence of their very own.

Look, we already know Santa doesn’t give two shakes of elf-gigolo’s jingle bells about animal cruelty – surely there are more efficient manners of transport than a sleigh led by reindeer. You don’t see Concern flying boxes of supplies out to the third world using a toboggan tied to some venison with ideas about itself. All I’m saying is, Mrs. Claus has not aged well for an immortal being, and I would not put it past a racist, poor-hating, slave-owning old pedo to go out and give Rudolf a good seeing to. Actually, while we’re on the subject, presumably Santa named the reindeer, so has no-one else noticed who unnecessarily sexual their names are? Prancer, Dancer, Vixen and Cupid? These are the names of terrible strippers, not tiny magic horses.

In Conclusion

Santa is a prick, and I’m not just saying this because he eats all the cookies that I leave out (I wasn’t finished with them, you bastard pensioner!). We have two courses of action; either we refuse to worship him, in solidarity with our present-less Jewish brothers and our elven comrades, and we find a new, even fatter Christmas deity, or, we suppose that if Santa’s doing it, it must be alright, and follow in his footsteps like the obese prophet that he is. I know which one I choose. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Wang-Wrangler 3000 needs further testing.

Jon Hozier-Byrne is the editor of Humourisms and the University Observer, and he is very, very sorry.

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