What they regard as Tao is not Tao, and what they consider as right is often wrong. [They] do not really understand Tao, but understand some of it. … They are able to worst others by argument, but do not convince people in their hearts, because they are just playing around with words. … [They get] lost in the bypaths. — Chuang Tse

What’s all this nonsense about torture?

Now, I ain’t no Einstein, but it seems to me, if it makes us safer, it’s a no-brainer!

In fact, maybe what we gotta do is torture a whole lot more.

I’m not talkin’ about droppin’ bombs on people from Predator drones. That’s a kind of torture if you get your limbs blown off or a beam thru your skull. But, it ain’t personal enuf. It’s what you call “collateral damage.” What we gotta do is intentional damage—up close and personal.

And let’s not stop with the so-called “terr’ists.” Let’s not pussy-foot.

I think everyone can agree that child-molesters should be tortured, right? If they do that kind of stuff once, they’re probably gonna do it again. Just like the terr’ists! And it’s gotta be tortured outa them. We gotta be intentional. That also means we gotta figure out their intentions! So, if we water-board ‘em a coupla hundred times, maybe they’re gonna get the point, confess their sins—and tell us what they’re thinking, what they’re planning! We gotta clean out that hornet’s nest in their brains. Cut’em off at the pass. (Or before the pass, if you know what I mean.) Now if somebody’s contemplatin’ that kind of stuff, it’s too bad. I don’t care a rat’s ass if their daddy was mean to ‘em or their mama didn’t give them enuf cuddlin’. What’s right is right!

Then there’s the stem-cell research guys. (I’ll get to the abortion “doctors,” in a minute.) These research types (yeah, women, too!) don’t even give the little embryo a chance to grow, a chance to feel the warmth of mama’s womb. Suppose somebody had done that to them? Well, turnabout’s fair play I’m sayin’. I say we get into their bone marrow and do some jiggering. Inject them with something chemical that’s gonna make’em feel like jello on a hot griddle.

As for them “doctors” that do abortions—hell’s too good for ‘em. I say we put’em in a little crawl space, get these giant forceps–and we crush their skulls. Do unto others, and all that.

’N’other thing: crime’s gotten outa hand since 9/11. There was some break while the criminals was layin’ low, bein’ cowards and all, but they been comin’ back full force. So, let’s not shut down Guantanamo! Let’s build a whole shebang more all over the world, carve out niches of land in commie regimes like Castroland, send these misfit criminal types there and let the locals at’em. Send’em to central Asia. They know how to boil people in oil over there. They been doin’ it since Jesus was in Bethlehem.

“What else?” you ask. …You got all this garbage on TV now. You got “cartoons” with foul-mouthed characters. Whaddaya gonna do? You can’t whup Homer Simpson. You can’t get to’em cause they ain’t real, but you can get to the “creators”–if you know what I mean. You got this show called “American Idol,” too. They got this guy wearing black nail polish! What kinda message is that sendin’ to the kids? Well, I say we extract his fingernails one by one—just like the Nazis used to do! I say we learn’em good. And that Simon Cowl judge-guy is an arrogant S.O.B. We oughta put him on the rack, see how much “stretchin” his ego can take!

Let’s not forget our Congress, either. You got Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi. I hear there’s some stuff they do with electricity in sensitive parts (!) that oughta shut those traitors up. And as for that white-black, smiley guy who stole the election—I’d put him through some “changes” I would. If you know what I mean!

All those guys that sold this country down the drain—yeah, bankers and CEO’s. What are we bailin’ them out for? We oughta be bailin’ them in. Right in the sewer! Ain’t they done enuf already? Ain’t they hurt the people good enuf? I say we strapado them! Put’em in the Iron Maiden!

We gotta quit this pussy-footin’. We gotta make examples of these vermin. Give’em gladius and sword and trident and net and let’em fight to death in the football stadiums and on the baseball diamonds. And the ones that win—we’ll make them figh again until old age or disease or mortal wounds finish’em off. Then we’ll hang their corpses from the nearest bridge. We’ll pike their heads! And we’ll show the world: we mean business! We’ll show them how tough democracy can be!

I ain’t sayin’ it’s pleasant for the torturer, but there’s some people who don’t mind it so much. Good, salt-of-the-earth folks like Lindsay England, for example—gonna smile for the camera while they tie up the scumbags and put out their cigarettes in the scumbags’ flesh. And good, honest patriots like Mr. Cheney and Rush Limbaugh. They ain’t gonna flinch. They’re gonna do what they gotta do. (And if we gotta rape the bastards,humiliate them before their Muftis and Allah–there’s plenty of cops who know where to put their billy clubs!)

We gotta get less “sensitive” about these things if we’re gonna win this War on Terror! We can’t let these Mueslis win or we’re gonna be back in the Dark Ages! War is hell as General Sherman said–and he oughta know! We gotta get some kick-ass backbone if we’re gonna save our country from all the garbage out there. Cause some things are worth savin’ and doin’ everything you gotta do to save’em. Some things ya just gotta do whether you like it or not. But there’s some people don’t mind it so much and we oughta use their talents!