Oh how did we miss this latest entry into Certified Crazy TM arguments against same-sex marriage? Please join us in adding “It will hurt women! And make all men gay!” to our growing list of nonsense theories — and place it alongside the “It will hurt black families” farce.

Don’t act surprised when you learn it’s a conservative religious type trying to convince you same-sex marriage will hurt women. Beliefnet columnist David Klinghoffer, who declares himself not to be a Biblical scholar, quotes from Israel’s Bar-Ilan University professor Joshua Berman. We’ll reprint Berman’s argument below, but here’s the gist:

Those crazy gays aren’t just after same-sex marriage, but want mainstream homosexuality — sorry, homoeroticism — so one day Little Billy grows up in a world where men are engaged in romps with other men simply because it’s just so normal, and not because, uh, they’re sexually attracted to other men. Let history be our teacher!

[W]ere I a woman, I would be concerned by the tide of legislation now sweeping our country. [Ed: You know you’re entering problem territory when a man tries to adopt the mindset of a woman.] To see how these ancient writings demonstrate that feminism and homosexuality are on a collision course, we need to first take a step back and consider the end-game of the gay and lesbian movement. The immediate aim is to win in the courts. But the ultimate aim is to win over the culture: to arrive at a day when homoeroticism is fully accepted. [Ed: Yes, we want gay sexy time all the time! That is our goal.] Let’s fast-forward the video-tape and see what that day would look like. Johnny, a teenager, has pals who date boys and pals who date girls. In the movies, on billboards, Johnny sees depictions of men in love with men and of men in love with women. Johnny admires the picture in his principal’s office of the principal and his husband on their honeymoon. In this day, no one uses the word “homosexual” anymore, in just the same way that today no one uses the word “negro” — it’s so laden with the baggage of yesteryear’s bigotry. In fact, in this day, no one makes a big deal about sexual orientation at all. Johnny knows that when he seeks intimacy he is free to choose a blonde, a brunette, a Latina, a Phillipino, a guy, a girl; it’s all cool. Free choice and tolerance take the day.

MORE:

[…] Because of what you read in the the writers of imperial Rome. Some people are indeed homoerotic by nature. But others, as Aristotle noted, develop this as an acquired passion. Homoeroticism is, to a large degree, socially constructed. It turns out that where homoeroticism is granted full social sanction, as it was in Rome, it flourishes — so much so, that one writer noted that the emperor Claudius exhibited an unusual trait: he was sexually interested in women alone! Men, we learn from ancient Rome, will enjoy sex with other men, if there is no social censure. Now, all of this should be fine for us as well — after all, we should let free choice and tolerance reign. The real problems begin, however, when we read what these writers had to say about marriage. Consider this piece from the first century BCE poet Catullus (Carmen 61:134-141), in which the poet addresses himself to a bridegroom on the eve of his nuptials: “You are said to find it hard, Perfumed bridegroom, to give up Smooth-skinned boys, but give them up… We realize you’ve only known Permitted pleasures: husbands, though, Have no right to the same pleasures.” The social history behind this piece is clear: once they’ve experienced sex with other men, Catullus tells us, men are unsatisfied with what their new wives provide them. Notice that the poet is unconcerned about the husband’s dallying with other women — it’s the other men around that threaten the marital union. [Ed: Even if that argument held any water, we’re pretty sure Romans did a fine job procreating.]

You read all that correctly: Once we get this country to a point where gays are accepted, all men will want to screw other dudes, simply because they know somebody who does it. Having no real attraction to another dude’s genitals be damned! And this means men will leave their wives and girlfriends and mistresses and take up with other men and leave all the women in America alone, childless, and miserable.

Everytime we shoot ’em down, opponents just keep creating new far-fetched scare tactics. But fairytales are fun to read.