Having a dominant sex partner might sound like 50 Shades of Grey. Dominant-submissive relationships are about so much more than just leather and rope. When you’re into the BDSM scene, it’s pretty normal to seek out a partner who is also into the lifestyle.

Whether you’re a dominant guy/girl seeking a submissive or a sub wanting to find a new master, people like what they like. When you know your preferences already, it can be easy to find people to connect with.

Social media platforms for kinksters like FetLife are the Facebook equivalents for BDSM. In the same way as people use Tinder for hooking up or go on traditional dating sites to form relationships, kink is no different.

Sex is only part of the appeal in dominant-submissive relationships. Eveybody enjoys intimacy but domination and submission can be more of a mental mindset and encourage emotional bonding.

Domination has more depth to it than just wanting to control someone. Yet the media often makes us think that’s all being a dominant is.

Becoming a dominant sex partner

Being dominant may tap into a natural tendency towards being a leader. While some guys and girls enjoy being in charge as they prefer to direct than to be directed, it can link to the alpha male psyche. Traditionally, men are usually seen as the more dominant of the sexes.

We all know that the majority of societies are patriarchal. While women tend to be more nurturing, maternal and submissive by nature this stereotype is evolving. Social equality is growing yet in porn and art, we usually see men as being the ones who initiate relationships. This assumption is evident in the fact that most cultures expect the man to propose to the woman or for male relatives to arrange marriages.

Dominance can be cultivated in boys from a young age. But choosing to live a dominant lifestyle sexually is down to the individual. Whether you just choose to be a dominant sex partner or are dominant in other environments also varies.

Some people are only dominant in the bedroom and will change their mood based on what their partner is into. Whereas others are always the dominant sex partner regardless of whether they’re having kinky sex or vanilla. In cases it can just be that they’re dominant with a specific partner but won’t be with others, like any kind of sexuality it can be fluid.

Why is domination hot?

Everybody enjoys being in control at times. We know what we like and usually enjoy having things our own way. But domination can be especially hot when we know our sexual partner is also into it. If you meet somebody who is submissive and who genuinely wants to follow your lead, it can be a real turn on.

When you’re a bigger guy, sometimes it appeals to be the dominant sex partner when you’re dating a woman who is smaller than you. Physical dominance comes into play almost naturally just due to the size difference alone. Equally though, sometimes the contrast in size between partners might encourage them to flip things around.

Petite women might deliberately seek a dominant sex partner to tap into the fun that can be had by being ‘controlled’ by someone bigger. During bondage, tying up a smaller rope bunny can be more fun for the dominant rigger. Petite rope bunnies are often favoured when doing suspension rope work too due to the practical logistics involved.

Having a submissive sexual partner can allow for all kinds of kinky games. Whether you want to take the lead during a DDLG scene, give a spanking to your naughty girlfriend or simply like choosing what happens, finding a true sub helps you to explore.

For those who have sadistic interests, being the dominant sex partner is inevitable. In contrast, if someone is a masochist, they’re more likely to be submissive and seek someone to inflict the pain-pleasure on them instead. Ultimately domination depends on the individual’s preferences and how much they want to lead the session versus being led.

Although some dominant sex partners do switch to being submissive, it’s more often the other way around. This kink test can help you find out what your natural leaning is.

Dom-sub relationships

Part of Dom-sub relationships is sexual. Finding somebody you connect with who is into the same kinks is a key factor in any relationship. If two dominants get into a relationship, it can sometimes feel a bit like a competition or not quite click as smoothly as a dominant-submissive match.

But beyond the sexual element, dominants often want a dominant-submissive relationship because it suits them better on an emotional level. Some Doms want a more nurturing role where they might seek someone who seeks leadership. However they could also date someone who simply likes to be submissive as their sexual preference.

Being in a dominant-submissive relationship doesn’t mean that it’s always kinky. Some short term relationships or arrangements may focus more on sex but those that are normal dating relationships, will have normal lives too.

In your own relationship you might recognise that one of you usually takes the lead in the bedroom or makes more plans than the other. This alternates throughout relationships and will be influenced by personality, jobs and who is at home more.

As in any kind of relationship, there should always be open communication, trust and mutual respect.