More than 200 ‘Death Cafes’ have sprouted across the globe

Adults spanning multiple generations gathered at the Evanston, Illinois Public Library Monday for an evening of honest discussion about death and dying– with a heavy supply of cookies and coffee to help it all go down easier. Chicagoland welcomed its second ‘Death Cafe’ in recent months; the meetings are part of a growing movement that started in Switzerland and is now spreading rapidly throughout Europe and the United States.

To keep the gathering intimate and comfortable, event organizers sought to keep the list of attendees around 45, but they ended up welcoming many more. “We’ve been turning lots of people away, congratulations on making the cut,” announced Viki Noe, co-organizer of the event. Many came out of curiosity, and some tagged along with their spouse.

The discussions were not limited to sadness over a loved one’s death or theological perspectives about the afterlife. “This is not therapy, this is not a support group,” said Noe. “The beauty of the ‘Death Cafe’ is people can come and talk about these issues without fear of being diagnosed. This is not only about grieving, this is about death and dying.”

After the introductions and snacks, individuals were divided into groups of about six for break-out sessions. Many spoke to others about their own funeral wishes– most did not want their wake to be held in a funeral home with vases full of flowers and somber violin music. In fact, many did not even want to be buried in a cemetery. Many said they wanted their ashes spread across the U.S., and others wanted a tree planted above their remains. “Nobody’s wrong,” said Dan Bulf, an event organizer. “You just have to enjoy the snacks.”

The range of perspectives was vast. “It’s interesting to hear so many different viewpoints and to see how different people are,” said Teresa Nuccio, an estate planning attorney who attended her first ‘Death Cafe.’ “I think people are more open to discussing these things than America thinks we are. Everybody thinks we are afraid to talk about it, but we are talking about it here.”

Many said they plan to return. “Of course, I would go to another one. I liked it,” said Chicago-area art collector Richard Harris. “The topic is just so interesting.”

At the end of the event, all in attendance were encouraged to write their final tweet– a reference to NPR host Scott Simon, who live-tweeted his mother’s death in early August. As many older adults were unfamiliar with hash-tagging and limiting messages to 140 characters on Twitter, the younger people in attendance explained the popular social networking tool. “What do you want your legacy to be? What do you want to be remembered for?” asked Noe. “This is not a bucket list.”

Roger Johnson, a 75-year-old retiree, said that he wished the almost three-hour evening were longer. “It was too short. We were just getting going,” he said. He also said he would like to see more racial and income diversity at the cafes. “Where are these cafes in Chicago? On the West Side? Where is the diversity?”

Others thought the timing was perfect. “I work in sales, executive coaching and I’m given opportunities to talk about geeky things, but not death,” said Laura Lee Larson. “My partner, Jeanne, is involved in these issues, and I wanted to see what she is so passionate about. I would attend another cafe.”

Thirty-year-old Katherine Houpt said that found the event so intellectually stimulating, she exchanged contact information with her group and hopes to keep in touch with them. “I thought it was a really meaningful experience. The more opportunities you have to talk about death, the more meaning you can find in your life everyday,” Houpt said. “Our whole table connected. We wanted to have a sleep over.”

The next “Death Cafe is set for September. Email dan@mens-media for more information.