“Sue?” Ralph Dibny asked. “What happened to my clothes?”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife, Sue.

“I mean, I know I packed my costume and some lounge clothes, and a suit for going to dinner, but all I’m finding now are Speedos.”

“How funny,” Sue smirked.

Ralph chuckled. “Well, guess I could dress worse.”

Sue turned and smiled as he undressed and pulled on a pair. He posed.

“Am I looking good, Mrs. Dibny?”

“You betcha!” she chuckled as she packed her clothes away.

“Now I just need one extra thing to finish the look,” Ralph said and grabbed a pair of sunglasses from his travel bag and put them on.

Sue gave him a kiss. “There’s my handsome beach hunk.”

“Except we’re on a cruise.”

“Close enough climate.”

Ralph chuckled and grabbed a vial of gingold from his bag as he put the rest in the mini-fridge in the cabin room.

“I thought you were going to limit how much you used on vacation,” Sue commented.

“Well, that’s the thing, hun,” Ralph said with a smile. “Someone is insisting I wear this, and I don’t know when the cruise ship’s crew or passengers might need the Elongated Man, and there’s no pockets, so...” He downed the contents of the vial. “Now to take a look around.”

“What for?”

“To familiarize myself with the place...”

“Just in case there’s a mystery to solve?”

“Any vacation spot, always know the critical locations of the bar and the restrooms.”

“Very well,” Sue said with a laugh. “Go ahead and get a look around, I’ll pack your stuff.”

Ralph stretched his nose out and wiggled it.

“Hmm, I smell a mystery,” he said with a smile. “You said that before we left, but I only have Speedos now.”

“I think you already know the answer to that one.”

He snapped his nose back to normal.

“Mystery solved.” He kissed her again. “Later, hun.”

Ralph stepped out and smelled the brisk and salty ocean air.

“Hey there,” someone said. Ralph turned and saw a muscled guy walking towards him.

“Oh, hi, Ralph Dibny,” Ralph stated, extending his hand for a handshake. “Pleased to meet you.”

The man shook it. “Hey, I’m Rick Masters, me and my wife Julie are on this cruise for our second anniversary.”

“Very nice!” Ralph said with a nod. He took his sunglasses off.

Rick nodded.

“I’m here with my wife Sue,” Ralph added.

“I’ll meet her later, I’m sure,” Rick continued. “Catch you around!”

Rick walked down the deck as Sue stepped out, wearing a bikini and sunglasses.

“Sue, I’m still the world-famous Elongated Man, right?” Ralph asked as they began walking to the upper deck.

“Always.”

“I met another passenger and he didn’t recognize me.”

“Oh. Maybe it’s because of your outfit.”

“You think he was looking at my Speedo?”

“… Sure.”

They reached the upper deck and saw a small cash bar and a seating area.

“You want anything, sweetie?” Ralph asked.

“Maybe a mimosa,” Sue replied and they soon sat down with their drinks at a table with two ladies in their mid-thirties.

“What do you make of the Mulberry?” asked one of the ladies.

“Not a bad boat,” Sue replied, sipping her drink. “It’s a special occasion for me and Ralph.”

“It’s our anniversary,” said the other. “Alicia and Megan, going on ten years now.”

“Congratulations,” nodded Ralph, “hopefully Sue and I get there.”

“‘Hopefully?’” Sue repeated, arcing her eyebrow. “You’re not seeing someone else behind my back are you?”

Ralph hugged her. “Why would I when you’re one of a kind?”

“Hey, maybe some straight people know how to do it after all,” chuckled Alicia.

“Oh my GOD!” called a voice and the four turned to see a pair of men in t-shirts and swim trunks coming their way. One was running and was clearly the one who called, the other was walking behind, bemused.

“Yes?” Ralph asked with a smile.

“You’re Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man!” the man said.

“Correct!” Ralph said with a smile. “World-famous Elongated Man, thank you very much.”

Alicia and Megan turned to each other and shrugged.

“I thought he looked familiar,” Megan commented.

“I’m so stoked!” the man said. “I’m Jeremy Barrett, I run the Hot Heroes website.”

“Really?” Ralph asked with interest. “How do I rank?”

“He’s a seven,” chuckled Sue.

“Funny you should say that, he came in at seven on the best butt poll!”

“Dare I ask who was number one?” Sue inquired with a smirk.

“Nightwing, of course.”

“I see,” Ralph sighed. “Excuse me as I curl up into a ball and cry.”

“Now that’s something I’d like to see Nightwing do,” Sue remarked as she sipped her mimosa.

“Oh, this is my boyfriend, Dave,” Jeremy said as the other gentleman sat down.

“Do you know who else is on this cruise?” Dave asked as he sat down. “Rashida Evans!”

“THE Rashida Evans?” Megan asked. “The actress, model, and activist?”

“The one and only!”

“Wow!” gasped Sue. “She’s basically Hollywood royalty.”

“Never heard of her,” Ralph shrugged.

“Well of course you haven’t!” Sue laughed. “It never fails, we go to a movie, you get a case. You’ve never seen her before!”

“So, Ralph,” Jeremy began, “is it true you can stretch anything?”

“Yes,” was the reply.

“And no, it’s actually not very fun,” Sue added.

Megan and Alicia began laughing.

“Come on, Ralph, please?” Sue asked with a smile.

Ralph crossed his arms and smiled. “No, Sue, I’m not going to do that.”

“But how else will Julie Masters and I play volleyball?”

“Look harder for the ball?”

“We’ve looked, it’s nowhere to be seen, and there’s a volleyball net just begging to get used...”

Ralph chuckled.

“I’m teasing you, babe, of course I’ll do it. Just there’s gotta be something for me. If you want to play with me as a ball, I’m gonna play hardball.”

“You can order our dinner tonight!”

“That’s something I could settle for. How do I know you won’t override me at the last moment?”

“That’s just something you’ll have to wonder about.”

Ralph chuckled as he and Sue arrived on the volleyball court. Rick and Julie Masters were already on the court, Julie ready to play, Rick was wearing swim trunks and had a towel over his shoulder.

“Did you find a ball?” Julie asked, looking around.

“Yes,” Sue said with a smile and motioned to Ralph.

“Wait, what?” Julie asked.

Ralph chuckled and after putting himself in a human knot, began squeezing himself into a crude ball.

Sue lifted him up. “Nearly got it, babe.”

“Okay,” Rick grunted. “No way is my wife going to toss another man like that around. I won’t let it.”

“How about if I let you smooth out Ralph?” Sue asked with a sly smile.

Rick smiled and grabbed Ralph from her. He began squeezing and smoothing Ralph’s body into a neater sphere shape.

“There we go, nothing to worry about,” he chuckled. “I’ll be in the sauna if you need me.”

Sue lifted Ralph as Rick walked away. “See, you really know how to bring people together, hun.”

With that she tossed Ralph up into the air and served him over the net to Julie.

The two women played for about half an hour, laughing joyously. To say Ralph didn’t enjoy it wouldn’t be accurate. Ralph wasn’t able to be injured in his elastic state, but the rapid movement and bouncing was rather disorienting, so when Sue and Julie finished their game—they had forgotten to keep score, so both decided they’d treat each other to a nice drink—Ralph shakily resumed his own form and decided he would go to the sauna to relax and recover from the experience.

The sauna was nice and steamy as Ralph entered and found a seat. He pressed his back against the wall and closed his eyes as he was covered in the hot steam.

This is great , Ralph thought. Just relax, even a great detective needs to relax his mind once in awhile .

Suddenly, Ralph felt himself squeeze against the wall behind him and the seat. His face was squashed by someone’s back. They had sat on him!

“Hey!” he managed to yell. “Get up!”

The man leaned back, pressing Ralph’s upper body against the wall further. “Hello?”

“BACK HERE!” mumbled Ralph behind the man’s head.

The newcomer to the sauna stood and turned and looked at Ralph, who had been pretty roughly flattened against the wall and seat by the man’s body. Ralph huffed as he resumed his normal shape.

“Oh… uh… sorry, I couldn’t see properly without my glasses.”

“That’s okay,” Ralph replied. “I didn’t think this was that type of cruise.”

The gentleman smiled and chuckled.

“I think that one would cost a bit more!”

Ralph chuckled as the man sat down, picking a seat a little ways away from Ralph.

“You’re that Elongated Man fella, right?” he asked.

“Hey! Someone else recognized me!”

“Norman Vetten, pleased to make the acquaintance.”

Ralph stretched his arm to shake Norman’s hand, which was kindly returned.

“Now, hope you don’t think I’m being rude,” Ralph said, “but I was hoping for a quiet time here, so don’t take it personally if I’m not very chatty.”

“I don’t blame you in the least.”

A couple hours later, Sue and Ralph had rejoined each other and were strolling along the deck.

“Our fellow passengers seem like a nice bunch,” Sue commented.

“Yeah, one even gave me a lap dance,” Ralph replied.

Sue laughed. “Well, you can’t say they aren’t friendly.”

At that moment, the two heard a shriek then a loud splash just up ahead. They hurried along and saw Jeremy struggling in the water.

“Ralph, save him!” yelled Sue and without a word, Ralph had jumped over the side, gulping for air, inflating his body to stay afloat.

“Oh, thank goodness!” called Jeremy as he climbed onto Ralph’s back.

Ralph felt his rear get prodded a little.

“Hey, easy back there!”

“It’s all puffed up!” Jeremy replied. “I figured it was support.”

Ralph looked back at himself. His posterior had grown, his speedo stretching over it.

“Well, okay, I’ll get us back on The Mulberry in a moment,” Ralph said.

“Seriously, I’d like to see Nightwing do this,” Jeremy added. “Your butt is number 1 on my list!”

“Well, thanks...”

Ralph grabbed the side of The Mulberry with his arms and began pulling both of them up.

Sue had hurried to get the staff of the ship, and they were waiting for Ralph and Jeremy with towels and a couple blankets.

“Mind telling us how that happened?” asked Sue.

“I got pushed over the side,” Jeremy replied as he dried himself off. “Luckily, we had a nice, sexy superhero ready to spring into action.”

“Oh, you’re making me blush,” Ralph replied with a grin. He loved recognition.

“I am so making this a featured story on my website!”

“Did you see who pushed you?”

“No, I was just looking over the deck when next thing I know, I’m being forced over. By the time I managed to get above water, they were gone.”

A tall, olive-skinned woman with dark sandy hair hurried up. “Is everything all right?” she asked.

“Rashida Evans!” gasped Sue.

“Yes, I heard some commotion, wanted to make sure it was safe.”

“Everything’s taken care of,” said a member of the staff, a guy in a t-shirt that read SECURITY.

“Hey, how come if we have security, this guy went overboard?” asked Ralph.

“I was doing my rounds elsewhere,” the guard replied with a shrug.

“Yes, which made you look the other way while I, the great Mystery, managed to do this!” said a voice.

Looking up, the group saw a figure in a long cape and fedora and mask. It was dangling a shining item from its hand.

“My necklace!” called Rashida.

Ralph began stretching his arm, reaching for the figure, when it dropped a small ball with its other hand, which proved to be a smoke bomb. Ralph retracted his arm, and quickly stretched his body to cover and protect Sue, Rashida and Jeremy from the smoke. When it had cleared, the figure was nowhere to be seen.

“Did that guy say his name was Mystery?” asked Jeremy.

“I think so,” Sue said. “I’ve seen some news reports about thefts by a guy like that who’d leave a Polaroid of himself with what was stolen.”

“But here he has an audience,” Jeremy went on.

“He’s also made a big mistake,” Ralph said. “Here, he’s got me to deal with, and while he can hide on the ship, he can’t leave it.”

“He’s probably one of the guests!” the security guard gasped.

“Yeah, way to figure it out, Einstein,” chuckled Ralph. “I can already think of two suspects. Rick or his wife, or both, since I heard Rick mention how expensive the cruise was. The other one is Dave.”

“What?” Jeremy asked in surprise.

“This is based on someone sneaking up on you, it’s either someone who knows your body language or someone who’s an expert criminal. I hope for your sake it’s not him.”

“It better not be!”

In a half hour, Ralph, Sue and all the other guests were in a closed off dining room with the security guard.

“Now,” Ralph said, wiggling his nose. “We have a Mystery. Mainly, who is Mystery, the mysterious thief? I don’t suppose you’d like to confess.”

Everyone stared at Ralph unimpressed.

“All right, was it… Dave and Jeremy?”

“Us?” Dave asked.

“Jeremy went overboard, but what if it was a diversion the two had planned?”

Jeremy started. “I would never!”

“Or, what if Dave pushed his boyfriend over the side and did the theft while we were distracted?”

“Are you going to accuse all of us?” Jeremy asked.

“I’m sweatboxing, we’re going to figure it all out, whose story checks out, who doesn’t.”

“And is security checking all our rooms?” asked Rick.

“You’d think they would, but they’d like to respect everyone’s privacy. I’ll weed out the criminal, then we turn them over to the coast guard, who’ll be arriving soon.”

“It wasn’t me,” Dave retorted. “I was at the bar, working on pencils for the comic book I’m working on. You can ask the bartender, he’ll back me up.”

“What if it was your wife?” Norman asked.

Ralph turned to Sue.

“Yes, what if in the brief moment you got the staff, you worked with a conspirator to do the dirty deed! Being married to me isn’t a clear alibi!”

The two stared at each other for a moment before cracking up.

“And that’s just the deflection I was looking for!” Ralph declared. “Norman, it was you! You’re Mystery, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t even see the guy around,” Rick stated.

“He’s been keeping in his room,” Megan added.

Norman started.

“You’re accusing ME now?”

“Don’t think that sauna incident will keep me quiet!”

Norman’s eyes twitched.

“Look at him! He’s cornered!” Alicia whistled.

With that, he jumped up.

“You’ll never take me in!” he cried. He pulled another smoke bomb from his pocket.

“Oh no you don’t!” yelled Sue and slugged his jaw, knocking him to the ground and dropping the bomb to the floor. Luckily, it hadn’t been armed and didn’t go off.

“And so it worked out! Mystery is Mr. Vetten!”

“And I would've gotten away with it too,” Norman muttered as the security guard handcuffed him “if it hadn't been for you meddling Dibnys!"

“Actually, you made a critical mistake doing your crime as you did,” Ralph said, crossing his arms. “And if I wasn't here, the ship's security would likely have caught you eventually. Probably. Maybe.”

The security guard shot Ralph a dirty look.

“Hey, I caught the guy for you, least I could get is a smile, right?”

Security searched Mr. Vetten’s room and turned up the Mystery costume and the stolen necklace, which was returned to Miss Evans. As a token of her gratitude, Rashida invited Ralph and Sue to have dinner with her.

The other guests had been a little annoyed that Ralph had interrupted their vacation, but they reflected that their inconvenience had been minor compared to going the rest of the cruise with an active criminal on board. Still, Dave and Jeremy were a little hurt that Ralph had accused them first, but both decided to use this to their advantage.

“This is going to be the best story ever on my website!” Jeremy exclaimed. “Even better than that Z.Z.’s ‘My Date With Nightwing’ story!”

“Yeah, can you ease up on the Nightwing comparisons?” Ralph asked. “The guy’s an old friend of mine, it’s kind of awkward to be compared to him.”

“Yeah, sorry, just, can you pose for some photos to go with the story?” Jeremy asked. “Like, maybe recreate that life raft pose.”

Ralph sighed. “Well, I suppose I probably should indulge you.”

“Great!”

“And speaking of posing,” added Dave, “I have a few panels on this comic I need to figure out, if you don’t mind modeling.”

“Yeah, sure…”

“Thanks!”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to work in some relaxation time of my own,” Ralph sighed as he walked away with Sue. “Also, am I supposed to dine with a movie star in just a speedo?”

“I packed your suit in another bag,” Sue said with a smile. “Hey, there’s the sunbathing bay, why don’t you relax there for a moment, detective?”

Ralph looked over and saw an empty mat ready.

“Okay, that sounds really nice, actually.”

“You go ahead and lie down,” Sue replied. “I’ll go get the sunscreen and when I get back, I’ll rub you down.”

“Sounds great, hun,” Ralph said and went to lie down on the mat.

As Ralph laid there, he closed his eyes and thought about what a vacation it had already been. Sure, Mystery was a bother, but solving a crime was always—

Someone laid down on top of Ralph, someone larger and heavier, squashing him between the mat and their back. Ralph tried to speak up or wiggle, but the soft mat and the weight of the person on top of him had totally flattened him and pinned him down.

“Excuse me,” Sue said a couple minutes later as she walked up. “Have you seen my husband?”

“I don’t think so,” Rick said, sitting up.

As he did, Sue noticed something peculiar. She sighed.

“You appear to have him stuck to your back, sir.”

Rick reached behind his back and looked flushed as he peeled Ralph off of it.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. “I’d stepped away for a moment and didn’t think to look at my mat before I laid down.”

Ralph gradually put himself back into his normal shape.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he sighed. “You know what, Sue? I think I’m just going to go sit in the hot tub alone for awhile.”

She kissed him.

“Okay, sweetie, just be back in time for dinner with Miss Evans.”

“Will do,” he replied, returning the kiss before heading to the hot tub.

“I solved a mystery,” he sighed. “And do I get any respect? None. None, I tell you...”

He got into the tub and let the bubbling warm water cover him.

“Okay, this is what I signed up for.”

He sat there for a few blissful moments before a staff member drained the tub in order to clean it. Being off his guard, Ralph was sucked in with the water and had to stretch his way out of the filtration tank.

“Next time we want to vacation at sea,” he sighed. “I’m chartering a yacht.”