LOUISVILLE, KY—Stressing the importance of improving communication between players and the coaching staff, University of Louisville basketball head coach Rick Pitino reminded his players Monday that the door to his sex dungeon is always open. “I just want you guys to know that I’m here to discuss any issues you might be having, so always feel free to come in, take a seat in one of the leather fuck swings, and tell me what’s on your mind,” said Pitino, adding that players can simply pop into his dark, candlelit pleasure lair unannounced if something is bothering them. “I’m usually around pretty late having my nipples clamped while my wrists are shackled to a bedpost, and even if it looks like I’m busy getting flogged and about to blow a huge load, don’t be shy about interrupting me. Whether it’s a concern that you have on the court or just something in your personal life that you want to talk about, I’ll always make time to unzip the ear slits of my black leather hood and hear you out.” At press time, sophomore Cardinals guard Quentin Snider was seen hesitating outside Pitino’s door, unsure whether to knock after hearing loud, piercing screams of ecstasy emanating from within.

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