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Bond villain, and adjusting the time on the clock I'd installed in my top hat with the other (also like a Bond villain, if there was a Bond villain who had such a fly hat).

"I think we both know what time it is, Mr. Bond. Hat time. I'm going to kill you." "Refresh my memory, Evans, what do I have you working on right now?" He took out his small, leather-bound notebook. He uses it to write down my orders and important phone numbers, as well as his own fiction and poetry. Sometimes when he's not looking, I slip in pictures of my wiener between the pages. He reached the page that had my latest batch of instructions and started reading. "Mornings, you have me hanging around Hannah Montana forums, drawing comparisons between whatever project she's currently working on and Nazism. Most afternoons, you have me either washing your car or breaking into Jack's house and replacing all of the pictures in his picture frames with photos of you, and...let's see. Here it is, last night, at about 3am, you called me up and mumbled something about a parachute made out of bacon." "Yes! And what progress have you made on the Porkachute?" "So far, none, sir, but in fairness, you told me about this last night. Also, what you're asking for isn't technically possible." "Right, this all sounds like really great stuff," I said, my mind wandering as I absently dug around in my bellybutton for awhile. "As much as I love what you're probably doing, I want you to drop everything and work on something new. Evans, I've expressed my love for Watchmen before, right? Well, there's a Watchmen press screening at the Ancient Chinese Secret Theater, this Monday. Did you know that?" "It's- that's not what it's called. It's Grauman's Chinese Theater, but yes, I was aware of it." "Whatever. Now, I have it on good authority that Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman will be attending, so he can review it for their magazine." "Alright," Evans said. His eyes narrowed, and suspicion was growing on his face, like a beard, which was also growing (on his face). "Gleiberman has been with EW since day one, and I've always found his reviews to be very fair and thoughtful. He's never pandering, but he's not elitist either. He's right in the middle, and I really respect his opinion."