Written by Neville Percival Croft

Tragedy has struck once again. The tyrannical dictator Boris Johnson has once again seized power in the recent election, vehemently clinging onto his newly established Reich. At this present moment in time, many of our journalists have ceased all work effort to mourn and regain their composure. Not me though, I have conducted thorough research and discovered that Boris actually stole the election. How? Simple, Trump interfered and assisted his protégé in obtaining victory.

I watched the results trembling with a box of rainbow tissues in hand and a comfort portrait of Justin Trudeau at the ready, but not even they were even to quench my rivers of tears. Deep inside I realised that there was no way that someone as hated and loathed as Horrid Johnson could be elected. After all, that’s what the blue checkmarks on Twitter told me, and they’re never wrong.

Unmitaged proof of collusion.

No doubt Drumpf knew that defeat at the hands of Jeremy Corbyn was inevitable. Corbyn was the light in the dark, the shepard to our sheep, and the hammer to our sickle. With this fear in mind, he knew he had to swindle the election. We spoke further to prominent European politician Guy Verhofstadt to drink from the fountain of his wisdom and to gain deeper insight into this horrifying predicament.

It’s as evident to me as the lack of cheese after Brexit that the hated Blompf got his nasty orange claws into the British election and rigged it in favour of his apprentice. As citizens of the world, we lost today. But fear not, I’m planning on granting Corbyn the title of ‘Governor of the British colony’ once the United States of Europe is established. Guy Verhofstadt, EU politician, Servant of Justice, Warrior of truth.

Save us Guy Verhofstadt, you’re our only hope.

The only answer to this catastrophe is to hold a people’s vote, allowing the public to vote again so that the true results are revealed and the correct outcome is seen. We highly recommend using Dustin Levitt’s Poll Integrity Saving System to ensure that any hate votes or foreign meddling is nullified.

Here’s a picture of Comrade Corbyn to give us hope in these despairing times.

My Prime Minister.