MINNEAPOLIS— Perplexed by the utter absence of thronging tourists throughout places of interest, Minneapolis residents reported feelings of shock and dismay Monday upon discovering that thousands of Super Bowl attendees had simply left the Twin Cities immediately after the game without experiencing the rich culture the area has to offer. “My colleagues tell me there are no crowds whatsoever at the American Swedish Institute, local merchants say attendance is actually down at the Mall of America, and the parks department is confounded that few if any people have toured our many impressive local bodies of water,” said Minneapolis Sculpture Garden curator Lukas Svensson, who was forced to send most of his staff home Monday afternoon when droves of awestruck visitors from across the nation inexplicably failed to appear. “I personally can’t understand why no one wants to see our sculpture of a big spoon with a cherry perched jauntily on top, unless the 8-degree weather has something to do with it.” Civic leaders were reportedly not surprised whatsoever upon being told that the situation was identical in St. Paul, which they described as “a frozen, passive-aggressive suburb of Minneapolis made up of alternating churches and bars.”

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