Respect v. Derision, Demifluid v. Demiflux, Relationships v. Privacy — Reader Advice Roundup!

This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: A dumped sub wonders if grabbing Daddy's ass ruined everything; a married woman wonders if her demigendered husband is a lesbian now; a woman with a terrible fiancé wonders if there's any possible way she can escape; and another woman with what may be an even worse fiancé wonders what his thing for dog-on-girl porn means for their future together. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

Regarding my advice and reader comments for Just Wondering, the woman whose husband recently came out as demigender...

To get around the fact that straight, gay, and lesbian all imply a binary gender for both partners the terms "androphilic" and "gynophilic" are generally used by non-binary people attracted to just men or just women. It gets a bit messier since most people are able to be attracted to some non-binary people, but I kind of feel all of the orientation labels just assume a few non-binary folks in there and so the woman could consider herself straight and the demigender person could consider himself gynophilic. As to the "guydyke" in this week's column, well, without asking him what he means by that it's hard to know for sure, but it sounds a whole lot like he identifies as a man, but has some sexual attraction to the idea of being a lesbian. Which means he's just a man with a kink, much like the guy, also in this week's column, who wanted to both be pegged by his wife and take on a more feminine role in the relationship for sexual reasons. And I think co-opting the terms for a sexual orientation and a gender identity for a roleplaying kink is in quite poor taste. Using it in the bedroom if it turns you on? Sure, but not on your dating profile as if it were your actual gender identity and sexual orientation. So, as a non-binary person (agender), I agree there. (I felt an actual enby should weigh in on these enby issues.)

In addition to "androphilic" and "gynophilic," Slate's Evan Urquhart suggests "phallophile" and "vaginophile" for people with genital preferences—legitimate genital preferences—for partners with penises or vaginas, respectively.

And...

There's a lot of hate for folks who identify as less familiar genders on the comment thread of Tuesday's SLLOTD. You made the distinction in your response between not being able to remember these identities and not believing people should identify that way, but your readers clearly have not. Your response to the LW implied that these identities are unimportant (certainly not important enough to remember), and I think the commenters picked up on that and took it as permission to be dismissive and cruel. As tempted as I am to argue the point with strangers on the internet in a comment section, I decided to email you directly instead. There was also a lot of talk about this being a "white people thing," which ignores the lived reality of many people of color who have less familiar gender identities. Perhaps you could highlight some people with less familiar gender identities, especially people of color, and talk to them about why their identity is the best fit and why it's important next time this comes up and demonstrate being respectful to those people even though you weren't familiar with their identities.

It's not that people's identities—and lived realities—aren't important. They are! And we should all show each other respect! It's that the proliferation of ever-more-thinly sliced gender identities and sexual orientations has made it impossible for people to keep up. That said, I think most people of good will—myself included—can easily recall broad categories like cis, trans, gender-nonconforming, gender-queer, and nonbinary. But when it comes to sub-categories like demigender—an "umbrella term" for a whole suite of nonbinary gender sub-identities, according to Nonbinary Wiki—it's unreasonable to expect the average person to recall, for instance, the extraordinarily subtle difference between terms like demiflux and demifluid. (I read those definitions a half a dozen times pulling that SLLOTD together and the difference is still unclear to me.) But I completely agree that diverse gender experiences and expressions aren't a "white people thing" and I'm glad you wrote in to make that point.

And Just Wondering wrote back...

Actually, no, I wasn't wondering if my husband was a lesbian. I was wondering if there was a special term for his particular situation. But I am busy laughing over my boring self finding a question that you need to look up!

I wouldn't say you're boring, JW, seeing as you're married to a demigender person. And while there may not be a term for your husband's particular situation/sexual orientation... give it fives minutes and there will be.

Mouse Meme And Top Truths, the sub whose Daddy dumped her after she grabbed his ass, actually enjoyed the comment thread...

Thank you for the advice. I had a great time reading the comments from the column and readers. The butt word play was hilarious and there were lots of insightful comments that helped me put things in perspective. Overthinking minor things is a bad habit. P.S. He was checking his phone because he preferred to be in control of Spotify music were were jamming to.

A tip for a Lovecast listener who wants to be open about being kinky on dating profile without attracting guys who are only interested in kink...

@fakedansavage

For the woman with the word 'kinky' in her dating profile getting thirsty messages - I think GGG would be the perfect alternative! People will ask what it means and it'll likely lead to much more pleasant interactions. #savagelove

— Maya Adivi (@MayaMys) February 7, 2020

A reader felt there was a lesson for us all in Married A Dictator's experience...

Aside from how obviously unfair his wife was being, I was shocked at the many things she was able to do in this guy's life because she seems to have complete access to this guy’s whole world. Get some boundaries and keep your passwords and accounts to yourself, people! Don’t make the refusal to share passwords about trust but about policy. My policy: I don’t share my passwords with anyone. I’ve been with my partner for 27 years, we married once it was legal to do so, and we have two teenaged children. She doesn’t know the password for my phone or any of my online accounts and I don’t know hers. I never have a device remember a password for an app that I wouldn’t want my wife or kids to see/access. We have a household bank account that we are both named on, own a home together, and consult one another on retirement planning/investment issues but we each have accounts and credit cards that are separate from the household account that the other does not access. (We do have wills and beneficiary declarations.) Guess what? We never fight over money and she’s never seen a text, pic, or email I didn’t want her to see. She can say the same. Keep a bit of autonomy, people!

Mistakes were made during the intro to this week's Savage Lovecast:

Oh @fakedansavage we at @EFF are huge fans and are thrilled you talked about the risks of Ring cameras on your podcast! https://t.co/AthR5feAsb But you got our name wrong :( We are the Electronic Frontier Foundation, not the Electronic Freedom Foundation. ❤️❤️❤️

— Rebecca Jeschke (@effraj) February 11, 2020

Sorry about that, Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF)! It was also a mistake for me to close my opening remarks by telling people to throw away any Ring devices they may have installed in their bedrooms. (Or on their front doors.) Ring says they're working to improving security (which has been pretty fucking terrible ), so maybe instead of tossing Ring devices you currently own, you could put them back in their boxes until the security situation improves. (And here's what the EFF thinks you should know before you buy, install, or reinstall a Ring camera.)

Regarding Sexually Frustrated Fetishist, the foot fetishist whose girlfriend "doesn't like the idea" of him kissing her feet...

I was surprised that neither you nor the letter writer questioned whether the reason his girlfriend won't indulge him is because her feet are extremely ticklish. Just a thought.

That detail would obviously be relevant if it was the case. But I have to trust letter writers to include obviously relevant details like that in their questions or I can't write the column. In the case of SFF's girlfriend, if she has a physical problem that prevents her from allowing him to touch her feet—like extreme ticklishness or being a double below-the-knee amputee—SFF doesn't gain anything by leaving that detail out. It just renders my advice useless. Similarly, if some gay dude wrote in to complain about a boyfriend who hadn't sucked his dick for six months and neglected to mention that the boyfriend's jaw was wired shut six months ago, the fault would be with letter writer for leaving that detail out, not with me for failing to address that possibility.

What she said:

If you're 6 months in and your SO has thrown out a lot of red flags then you're under no obligation to stay together. If you're going to Reddit or calling @fakedansavage with a laundry list of complaints, then they gotta GO.

— beep boop beep boop (@foxxi_loxxi) February 11, 2020

And...

I remember first listening to #SavageLovecast in 2010 hearing callers say "been reading your column for 10+ years" and me thinking "wow, imagine enjoying someone's insight so much you listen to them for a whole decade" but holy shit it's 2020 now and I'm still listening 😅 — Marya Mayne (@MaryaStiglitz) February 13, 2020

...thanks for being a listener, Marya!

Okay, we're going to leave it there. Hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you back here on Monday!

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