When I began as a disciple maker, my scale was weighted heavily towards intentionality. I’d developed intentional disciplines that helped me grow in my love for God and knowledge of the Bible. I did inductive Bible study, prayed regularly, memorized and reflected on two verses a week, and regularly shared my faith with others. As a result, my relationship with God flourished. Relatively quickly, I had a depth of insight into God and His Word that helped me help others.

As began to disciple others, I’d spend about an hour preparing for each meeting. First, I’d pray and decide on a topic to discuss. For example, if it was prayer, I’d have a few verses, some questions, an illustration, and a personal story ready to share. During the meeting, we’d spend two-thirds of our time on prayer and a third of our time catching up on life. That ratio of intentional/relational time isn’t necessarily out of balance, but I did view the relational time as just an appetizer. The main course was what I’d prepared. My goal was to help him develop similar disciplines that had helped me know God and Scripture.

The harm of being too intentional is easy to see. It looks like people running away! Since my relational skills weren’t nearly as developed as Drew’s it took me a lot more effort and time to connect with guys. For others, too little relationship manifests itself in legalism, pride of doctrine/methodology, or an inability to be flexible. But the biggest harm done by too much intentionality is it presents a model of disciple making that’s driven by desired outcomes rather than by love for others. When discipling is too intentional disciples pass on knowledge that puffs up, rather than love that builds up (1 Cor. 8:1).

So, what about being too relational? This is common in Dayton, Ohio and American culture as a whole. In these relationships, the discipler doesn’t prepare beforehand. The meeting looks and feels like two friends hanging out together. They ask questions and “share life”. The discipler is reactive rather than proactive in what he offers. He listens and responds with questions or advice, but misses the opportunity to provide depth or insight that comes from prayerful preparation.