Or beautiful names for bird-like humans. Whichever you prefer.

As you probably know, I like birds. A lot. When I saw my first Rose-breasted Grosbeak a few years ago, I thought, “Wow. What a beautiful bird.” Then, I thought, “That would be one hell of a name – Rose Grosbeak.”

And just like that, it triggered in me an immense interest in transubstantiating beautiful bird names into beautiful human ones. Many of them end up sounding somewhat literary, like they came straight out of a Dashiell Hammet novel or a Wes Anderson film. They would be characters with a mysterious past and a hidden agenda. However, a fair amount of them just end up sounding like run-of-the-mill porn stars. But that’s okay. Porn stars can have beautiful bird names too. And then there are a few odd balls in the bunch.

The full list is surprisingly long, so I’ve taken to various ways of organizing or categorizing them. Also, I’ve linked them all to their original species – so learn about these wonderful creatures. And remember, when you read this list, read it like it is an attendance list for a class or something – not like a bird list. Duh.

* In order to preserve as much of the avian essence of the names as possible, I have changed the bird names very little, if at all.

Femme Fatales

Female Sex Workers

Virginia Rail – a real rail rider

– a real rail rider Smooth-billed Annie – smoothest bill this side of the Pecos, if you catch my drift.

– smoothest bill this side of the Pecos, if you catch my drift. Snowy Ygritte (egret) – you ever give someone a snowy Ygritte? #jussayin #nawmean?

– you ever give someone a snowy Ygritte? #jussayin #nawmean? Juniper Titmouse – Juniper is pretty androgynous, but hard not to sound sexual with tit in your name

Other Young Ladies

Summer Tanager – she’s the girl next door. Maybe on the OC?

she’s the girl next door. Maybe on the OC? Sora – weird Wiccan chick with just one name

– weird Wiccan chick with just one name Willow Flycatcher – total hippie. vegan. yogi. etc.

– total hippie. vegan. yogi. etc. Lucy Warbler – a pretty girl who won’t shut up

Friendly Dudes

Brant – he can pull off having just one name because it’s just so cool and ordinary – not contrived, like Sora.

– he can pull off having just one name because it’s just so cool and ordinary – not contrived, like Sora. Merlin – your friendly neighborhood wizard

– your friendly neighborhood wizard Indigo Bunting – came from a very artistic family. probably trying to be an actor

– came from a very artistic family. probably trying to be an actor The Jays – you’ve got Jay Blue, Jay Green, and Jay Stellar – all stand-up guys.

– you’ve got Jay Blue, Jay Green, and Jay Stellar – all stand-up guys. Martin Purple – kind of a geek

Car Salesmen

Dick Cissel – probably owns a Kia dealership

– probably owns a Kia dealership Bob O’link – seems like a Hyundai guy to me

– seems like a Hyundai guy to me Royal Tern – sells a lot of Buicks

Man Sluts

Cliff Swallow – yup, that’s right. He’ll swallow anything .

– yup, that’s right. He’ll swallow . Harry Woodpecker – he’s got a bush that won’t quit, and big ole pecker to match.

– he’s got a bush that won’t quit, and big ole pecker to match. The Western Scrub Jay – known all over the world for his namesake sexual technique

– known all over the world for his namesake sexual technique Rusty Blackbird – another technique. You probably don’t want to know what this one involves.

– another technique. You probably don’t want to know what this one involves. Mangrove Cuckoo – Name speaks for itself. He’s as thick as a mangrove tree – and CRAZY.

Weird Guys

Whimbrel – he was homeschooled. gets sick a lot

– he was homeschooled. gets sick a lot Willet – Whimbrel’s brother

– Whimbrel’s brother Vermillion Flycatcher – Willow’s younger brother. He slack-lines and enjoys drum circles.

– Willow’s younger brother. He slack-lines and enjoys drum circles. Sage Thrasher – this guy has crazy sideburns and looks ready to snap.

– this guy has crazy sideburns and looks ready to snap. Lucifer Hummingbird – parents: please don’t name your child Lucifer

And that just about wraps it up.