It’s hard being an INFJ’s significant other. While they’re presenting a picture of friendly, excited, got-my-shit-together perfection to the rest of the world, they’re probably dealing with a whole host of fears, insecurities, doubts, and uncertainties in their mind. It’s not that they’re any more scared, insecure, doubtful or uncertain than anyone else, it’s just that because of their dominant introverted intuiting function, they’re constantly checking their beliefs about their experiences and other people for details they might have missed in their attempt to understand the world. This is of primary importance to them. Since they do not base their knowledge of the world on concrete facts, but rather on the essence of theories and ideas, they may be less certain of their convictions than other, more analytical types. The fact that their understanding of the world can largely be explained only in abstract terms means they can’t point out concrete things in the world that provide evidence for their understanding. Thus the need to constantly check and re-check their experiences. They’re not insecure. They just much slower to come to conclusions than most other people, something which might come across as insecurity to people who don’t know them well.

The hard thing is that as an INFJ’s partner, you’re likely to be the only one privy to this extravagant tapestry of ideas that is their minds. Everyone else will probably just see the extraverted feeling side of their personality, which primarily deals with other people’s emotions in the present moment. This function makes them want to help, support and encourage others. No sign of trying to figure out the order of the universe here. If an INFJ has allowed you to get close enough to see what lies beyond this people-pleasing, shit-together persona they present to the rest of the world, you’re likely to feel confused by this very stark difference between your INFJ and the one the rest of the world knows. In fact, confused is probably a bit of a euphemism for what you’re feeling. Everyone else gets this super empathetic, selfless friend while you get a confused jumble of insecurities and doubts? That hardly seems fair. Even worse, you probably got to know your INFJ as the extraverted feeler, and had to start dealing with her introverted intuition as you became closer. Was this all a trap? Did they butter you up with support and empathy just so they could dump doubts about the point of life on you once you’ve become dependent on their emotional support?

It may feel like that. But that is so not what’s going on here.

What is going on is that your INFJ trusts you enough to reveal her true self to you. Because make no mistake. As naturally as her extraverted feeling function comes to her, it will always just be her auxiliary function. Her dominant function is her introverted intuition. In a sense, then, this is the ‘real’ her. Figuring out the world using her intuition is of primary importance to her. This is what makes her tick, what inspires her to get up in the morning. This is the activity her brain is preoccupied with for most of the day. She just doesn’t tell anybody. Except you. She tells you. That is a huge effing deal to her. Words could never express how much she appreciates you for being the person she can share this side of her with. Even if words were helpful here, she may never use them for this purpose because to her the very fact that she’s showing you this side of her is proof enough that you mean the world to her. In fact, this is something INFJs often struggle with in relationships – finding the words to tell their partner how much they appreciate them just for staying after seeing this side of them that they don’t show anyone else for fear of rejection. Words simply fall short when trying to express this deep level of love and appreciation.

Yes, dating an INFJ is hard. You may feel like you’re burdened with all the bad while everyone else just gets to see the good. But remember that in even the most passionate lament about the state of humanity, your INFJ is thinking, “I can’t believe I met someone whom I can share these thoughts with.” Actually, you might do well to add the phrase, “I’m only telling you this because I trust you enough to share my true feelings with you,” to every single thing your INFJ tells you when you’re alone together. Making her feel supported enough to be her true self with you is the greatest gift your INFJ can imagine, and she will reward you with wells of love and devotion other people can only dream of.