He was so familiar, And I was sure I’d seen his face before. We had been talking on Tinder for a few days, and both of us felt like we had talked before, but neither of us could remember when or where.

Regardless we decided to go on a date, he was the outdoorsy type and asked me if I was into going for a hike.

Truth: I’m really not much of a “hiker”, but I was happy to show off my new yoga pants and beautiful new Blue Granite Swell water bottle!

(Tip 1. Please let this be a good lesson of what not to do on a first date!!!)

He picked me up in a gross beat-up old Chevy and while the picture I had lusted after somewhat resembled the man in front of me, it was most likely the best picture he had ever took in his whole life. He had very unfortunate amount of acne, the kind that completely covers all the once clear skin on his face and neck. He was very slender and gangly with poor posture and in general just kinda creeped me out.

These are the pitfalls of online dating, pictures can often be very misleading, and someone you wouldn’t have looked twice at, may photograph very well or be quite handy with photoshopping!!

(Tip 2. compare multiple images to validate authenticity!!)

I Sat passenger in the beat up old Chevy, headed out on yet another disappointing date. I don’t really remember talking much on the drive, just the circling thoughts beating myself up for engaging in online dating. We reached a popular hiking spot and set out on our way up the mountain. Throughout the next hour he began nearly every story with “Me and my friends were so drunk this one time…” or “ohhh dude…”.

I cannot explain to you how much I despise idiots that still are reliving glory days from high school and talk to women like they do their loser buddies. That hike could not end soon enough!! Now… a sane person would not have done what I did next, but I have a problem and I can’t handle hurting anyone’s feelings…. and I’m stupid.

(Tip 3. Hurt feelings!! Don’t torture yourself by continuing on with a date you have no interest in continuing. You’re not doing you or him any favours by not being honest, and in fact if it is due to him being an ass, it’s better for him and the next woman to come along if we stop putting up with behaviour that is completely unacceptable)

Soooo…. after the hike we went for dinner as planned prior to meeting. I was so embarrassed to be with him at this point I recommended a restaurant I was not likely to see any of my friends at. As we came to a stop, karma sent both of my friends walking across the crosswalk. Fuck me! I duck down and pretend to tie my shoe. You can judge me, but you’ve probably done worse.

We got to the Japanese restaurant unnoticed and ordered a few plates of sushi. After some small talk he looks at me and tells me he remembered the other day that we had met on Tinder a few months back and we had stopped talking. “Really?”

“Yea, pretty sure I had sent you a dick pic”

“Ew! No you didn’t! I would’ve blocked you and I definitely wouldn’t be sitting here with you now…. but you do that huh?”

Tip 4. If he’s this gross, take a cab home.

Huuuuhhhhhhh (<-this is me shuttering, btw) DISGUSTING!! I could’ve died! Obviously Pervy perverson sends soo many dick pics he can’t remember who he’s sent them to anymore!! I excuse myself to the washroom and call a friend begging her to save me. Am I reallllly going to have to get a ride home with the online flasher?! I should have walked!!! But noooo, Stupid gets back in his gross truck with pervy perverson, and takes the long uncomfortable ride home. I practically leap out of the truck as we pull up to my building, and I get about 8 leaps away before I realize… I LEFT MY NEW WATER BOTTLE in the truck!!! I look back and there it is on the floor leaning against the console in his gross truck… I catch his eye, and I shutter at the thought of getting any closer to him. I turn around and nearly run into the safety of my apartment! It’s not worth it.

I still think about that water bottle, I hope he’s not using it.

Ew

Update: Six months later I get a new friend notification on Snap Chat… “Mike” has added you. I click… and there’s his dick! Fuck.

That Girl Elle