The Kobe Guy

To the Kobe Guy, the Mamba is the GOAT, and it’s not even close. “Jordan was great,” he’ll admit, “but he didn’t have any real competition. Besides, Pippen is super underrated. Top 12 all time.” (He is wrong.) His favorite pastime is getting into meaningless squabbles with 12-year-olds on YouTube videos of LeBron. He owns a good amount of Kobe merch, though he’ll admit when pressed that the Kobe logo looks a littttttle bit like a vagina. When Kobe retires—five, seven years from now, he tells himself—he'll probably stop watching basketball altogether.

The Optimist

“I’m guessing we’ll win 43 games this year,” the Optimist will tell you. (The Optimist is frequently wrong, too.) “We’ll snag the 8th seed, upset the Warriors in the first round, and if we get lucky it’s all the way to the finals!” I mean, look at this squad! DeAngelo Russell is basically a hybrid of James Harden and Penny Hardaway. And Julius Randle is peak Lamar Odom in the body of Zach Randolph. We got this, bro! And if it doesn’t work out this year, there’s nothing to worry about: Kevin Durant is 100 percent signing with L.A. when his contact’s up. It’s warm here!

The Nihilist

David Stern can swallow a steak knife, as far as he’s concerned. Religiously waits for Zach Lowe columns to drop, even though they always make him cry a little. (Chance that he’s on r/NBA: 86 percent.) He thinks the team is garbage and Kobe should have retired yesterday. Doesn't see the Lakers getting any better in the next five years, because time is a flat circle shaped vaguely like the ghost of Dwight Howard’s right shoulder.

The Grandma

Sort of thinks that “Nae Nae” song is kind of catchy! Doesn’t get mad often, but you swear you heard her say “hell” once when she was on the phone with a Time Warner Cable rep. She has no idea who anyone on the team is anymore, but when a game is on, she will yell at her TV until she falls asleep in the second quarter.

The (Usually White) Dude in a #11 Karl Malone Jersey

Who is this guy? What's his deal? Why does he talk so loud? Why is he asking me if I went to Coachella? Chill out, Karl Malone Jersey Dude.

The Lakers Dad

Dad’s seen it all. Kareem. Magic. Jerry. Nothing can faze him, except maybe the emoji keyboard on his iPhone 4s. The current team reminds him of the ’90s squad that had Nick Van Exel, Eddie Jones, and Cedric Ceballos. Has a buddy from work who sometimes lets him have his seats at Staples, but he’s the worst person to sit next to: He usually just mutters to himself the whole time with his arms crossed, something something Chick Hearn something something Dr. Buss something something Benghazi. DAAAADDDDD. STAAAAHP.

The D-List Celebrity

During karaoke he’s the kind of dude who always tries to sing his ass off like it’s an American Idol tryout. (Toto. “Africa.” Irony-free.) No one is quite sure how he can afford it, but he’s always sitting courtside in Yeezys and a slouchy beanie, usually with a Mophie on his lap. (So L.A.!) He rarely looks up from his phone, opting instead to spend the majority of the game refreshing Instagram to count the likes on his blurry selfie with Byron Scott’s butt. Don't feel sorry for him, though. He lives for this shit.

The A-List Celebrity

Probably starred in a movie about a giant old boat that hit an iceberg. (Oscars owned: zero.) Tries to blend in with the Lakers crowd wearing a tattered Aeropostale hat and indoor sunglasses, but the supermodel next to him sorta blows his cover. Does an admirable job of ignoring all the plebes he can hear whispering his name. Is vaguely familiar with Instagram, but doesn’t really see the “point” of having one.

The Guy Who's a Clippers Fan Now

This guy sucks.

Illustrations by Nick Manske