The Power of “We” and How One Simple Word Can Change How We View Our Relationships

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One core lesson I’d like people to takeaway when they read this site is the power of our words and language to influence our perspective.

When first learning about psychology and self improvement, one of the first things I started learning was the importance of paying more attention to your inner self-talk and the specific words you use – and how different words can often influence your mindset in powerful ways.

For example, even the smallest change in your language can make a big difference. Like using the power of “yet” when talking about your goals, so that you keep yourself open to new possibilities in the future; or using simple adverbs to intensify positive beliefs (“I’m very motivated”) or downplay negative beliefs (“I’m a little bad at math sometimes.”)

Of course the importance of the words we choose isn’t just about self-talk, but also how we talk to others and ultimately build relationships with people.

In a new meta-analysis published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers analyzed 30 studies of nearly 5,300 participants and discovered that couples who often say “we” and “us” have more successful relationships and are overall happier and healthier.

In total, the researchers looked at five different measurements: relationship outcomes (satisfaction, length of union), relationship behaviors (positive vs. negative interactions observed), mental health; physical health, and health behaviors (how well participants take care of themselves).

In each measurement, the use of “we” and “us” was associated with better outcomes in both men and women.

While the study only finds a correlation and it’s possible that happier couples are just more inclined to use these pronouns, researchers theorize that it’s more than likely an interdependent relationship. And in some cases, actively using these pronouns more may help to shift our perspective and improve the health of a relationship.

Based on personal experience, shifting more from “I-talk” to “we-talk” has generally improved my relationships and the way I approach them. This is true for relationships in all domains in my life: romantic, friendship, work, etc.

The use of “we” implies a group bond: a partnership, a team, a family, a tribe. When you use “we” or “us,” you’re automatically connecting your goals, values, and intentions to other people who you feel are on the same boat as you.

When you make this conscious change in how you speak about your relationships, you’ll notice a gradual shift in how you view your relationships and how you respond differently to certain situations.





The Power of “We”-Talk in Our Relationships:

Here are the practical benefits of focusing more on “we”-talk in our relationships.

Shared Problem-Solving – One of the most common ways “we”-talk helps our relationships is that it allows people to feel that they are in it together when trying to solve a difficult problem. “We need to fix this in the house,” or “We need to make a decision on this” is way more friendly and inviting than saying “You need to fix this in the house,” or “I need to make a decision on this.” “We”-talk implies teamwork and mutual effort from both sides.

– One of the most common ways “we”-talk helps our relationships is that it allows people to feel that they are in it together when trying to solve a difficult problem. “We need to fix this in the house,” or “We need to make a decision on this” is way more friendly and inviting than saying “You need to fix this in the house,” or “I need to make a decision on this.” “We”-talk implies teamwork and mutual effort from both sides. Reflecting on Accomplishments – “We”-talk isn’t just about sharing problems, but also sharing accomplishments and good times. In general, couples that take more time to reflect on positive memories tend to be happier and healthier, and using the “we” pronoun can make it that much more effective. Share your successes with your partner, give them credit, and let them know that you couldn’t have done it without them. And also be happy for other people’s success as if it were your own: be sure to compliment people, congratulate them, and let them know you are proud of them. Most success is a combination of many people working together and being a team, so “we”-talk helps to highlight that and emphasize that.

– “We”-talk isn’t just about sharing problems, but also sharing accomplishments and good times. In general, couples that take more time to reflect on positive memories tend to be happier and healthier, and using the “we” pronoun can make it that much more effective. Share your successes with your partner, give them credit, and let them know that you couldn’t have done it without them. And also be happy for other people’s success as if it were your own: be sure to compliment people, congratulate them, and let them know you are proud of them. Most success is a combination of many people working together and being a team, so “we”-talk helps to highlight that and emphasize that. Everyday “We”-Talk – In general, we should try to use “We”-talk over “I”-talk whenever we can and it’s appropriate. Even just simple everyday conversations are opportunities to make choices together, make plans together, and talk about your relationship in terms of “we” and “us.” Of course you don’t need to say “we” over and over again like a mindless robot, but try to monitor your speech for one whole day and identify opportunities to switch up your “I” and “me” with a “we” and “us.”

As you can see, more “we”-talk has many potential benefits, but the most important might be how it fundamentally changes the way you view the other person and the relationship as a whole.

Human nature is fundamentally interconnected. Every individual is partly defined by the relationships around them (family, friends, loved ones, coworkers, acquaintances, etc.), and deep down we are all helped or hurt depending on the quality of these relationships in our lives. “No man is an island” is a fundamental truth, whether you can see your “we” or not.

Interestingly, other studies have discovered a link between the over-use of the pronouns “I”/”me” and depression and anxiety. One theory is that focusing too much on yourself can lead to excessive rumination, and sometimes to break this pattern we need to step outside of ourselves more and focus on what we can do to help others. This is likely why volunteering has also been associated with many mental health benefits.

Of course, we all risk becoming too selfish and too self-centered sometimes, especially when we are feeling threatened and want to protect ourselves. This feeling is natural and sometimes it’s even necessary depending on the situation. There is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of selfishness sometimes.

However, to truly be happy, we often need to build close relationships with others, and that requires us to see our well-being as overlapping with the well-being of others, whether at home, at work, with friends, loved ones, or whoever. Once you understand this, saying “we” beings to come more naturally to you.



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