(Picture: Dave Anderson/Metro.co.uk)

Society dictates that our adult lives follow a specific formula. Move out, get a job, settle down with a partner, get married, have a baby, retire then die. So it stands to reason that the most common question a long term, usually married couple is incessantly asked is ‘soooo, when are we going to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet then?’

But as well meaning as this may be, can we all just take a step back, analyse the enormity of such a question for a bit and just f***ing stop? Most couples will appreciate the welcome relief of not having to explain their decision not to have kids yet or cover with excuses just because it’s the next expected milestone.



There are a number of different reasons why posing this question casually is akin to walking on to an emotional minefield. Mines such as not actually wanting children, not being able to conceive or having marital problems, all of which hurt when stepped on.

FACT: The question can NEVER have a satisfactory answer Think about it. When you ask someone this question, what are you actually hoping for? Of all of the possible answers you can get, I imagine that the only mildly positive outcome that you can hope for is: ‘actually yes, I’m pregnant right now!’ And how likely is that? Do you think if there were a pregnancy, it slipped the couple’s minds and your prompting question gives them that light bulb moment that they knew there was something they had to share? For a starter, it’s bad luck to announce a pregnancy in the first trimester. And secondly, it’s down to the couple who they tell, if they tell and the environment and time in which they do it. If they want you to know, you won’t need to ask. They will ensure you know. If you do get the answer you want (unlikely – the most common response is probably awkwardness) then what that means is that you have forced a couple’s hand in revealing something they weren’t ready to. Conclusion? No matter what outcome you get for the question, it has not been worth asking. At best, it just leaves everyone feeling like they want the ground to swallow them up. At worst, it has caused someone hurt, pain or stress.

What if we aren’t ready for kids or don’t want them?

Couples shouldn’t have to explain (Picture: Getty)

For a start, no couple is obligated to have children. Ever. It’s an archaic attitude that we are all here to procreate and then die; we all have right to live our lives without having to contribute to the circle of life if we so choose.


Plenty of couples have decided that they don’t want kids. More still possibly aren’t ready and having a ring on their finger doesn’t automatically leave them with a deadline.

Even worse could be that the couple being pressed for a baby announcement are in the midst of fighting this one out between them, with one side of the couple ready to have a little one and the other half completely against it.

All in all, whatever their placement on the spectrum of ‘not wanting a kid’, it’s awkward to feel you have to answer and it forces people to either cover with excuses (although why should we need to justify ourselves?) or to bluntly admit the truth and face of barrage of raised eyebrows, dropped monocles and splutters of dismay. ‘But WHY don’t you want kids? You’d make such a good mum/dad!’

Of course, the only legitimate response to the question is: ‘none of your f***ing business, pal. Weather’s been nice recently, hasn’t it?’ but that’s not how it works.

Many parents will know that it doesn’t even stop when you actually have a baby as immediately the ‘when are you giving them a brother or sister?’ questions start, which can be equally insensitive, prying and infuriating.

10 variations of the question that should be banned ‘So when’s the baby coming along?’

‘Are we going to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet any time soon?’

‘Oooh, it’ll be babies next!’

‘So, have you got any good news for us yet?’

‘You better start saving for nappies, right?’

‘I can’t wait for the grandchild to come along’

‘You’ll be excited to start a family now!’

‘Have you talked baby names yet?’

‘Are you trying for a baby yet?’

‘So, I take it you’ve stopped having sex with condoms now you’re married?’ Okay, the last one is sarcastic – but that might as well be what you ask seeing as any form of the question is blunt and completely personal.

What if we have lost a child?

Any couple could be enduring their own private pain (Picture: Getty)

The weighty question could be the catalyst for all kinds of emotions and no-one knows the battles faced in someone’s private life and nor should they. The person you are flippantly, and in fairness to you, probably inadvertently, pressuring to reproduce may have had a tragic loss that is deeply traumatic and painful.

Cases of miscarriages and stillbirth are common and life shattering and rarely something that one will broadcast outside of the closest people to them. It’s agonising and not a topic that anyone would ever want to address in the form of small talk at a party or in the office.



Chances are, if you are one of those people that go around asking people you only know as acquaintances when they’re going to get a move on and start a family, you have probably hit a very exposed and sensitive nerve.

It’s not possible to imagine the pain of having lost a baby – or more than one – and then having to brave it out when asked why you haven’t had a baby yet. It is estimated that 15 – 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

You will rarely know if the person you are asking has endured complications, miscarriages or stillbirths and you have no idea the wounds you could be opening by asking when they plan to start a family. Just don’t ask. Ever.

What if we can’t conceive?

Conceiving can be a huge battle for many (Picture: Getty)

Wanting to start a family and not being able to is a trauma faced by many couples with infertility, with up to 3.5 million people in the UK experiencing problems with conception. For some, it is destined never to happen.

When confronted with the question on when they plan to have a baby, no-one wants to have to explain that they planned for it long ago and are still coming to terms with the fact that it will never happen for them.

Not everyone CAN have a child and for people this affects, having it slapped in their face during every other conversation means that the struggle just gets even worse.

What if our relationship might not be right for a baby?

Asking can just open a can of worms (Picture: Getty)

It’s a well known understanding that nobody knows the truth about a relationship except for the couple in it. What goes on behind closed doors is not what is on display at social events or on Facebook.


Picture a couple who are secretly going through marriage counselling or are constantly arguing and the last thing that will be healthy for them is bringing a child into the mix. You could just be setting the stage for further arguments.

Solution? Just never ask

At the end of the day, it matters not the reason why a couple you think would make great parents haven’t yet had a baby. It is not their duty to tell you, it may not be something that they want to talk about and the worst (but not uncommon) scenario, you could be actively hurting them.

You mean well and there will never be a thought that you are setting out to cause awkwardness. But for the sake of the couples out there who have things going on in their lives that contribute to them not having a child, please banish this bit of chat out of your repertoire forever.

And even if there are no issues at play, it’s just infuriating to think that we all still seem expected to follow a pattern. In a modern society where every life and situation is different, why should it be deemed odd that a couple aged in their 30s don’t have a couple of children?

Just don’t ask (Picture: Getty)

Some people have children young, some people have them old. Some have them while single, some have them while married, some never get married and have them and some never have them at all. And some simply can’t have children and do not need constantly reminded of it as if they don’t think about it enough as it is.


There’s only one thing that is common and consistent for everyone.

And that is that a couple’s conversation over having kids or not is their business and theirs alone. So stop asking.

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