So yesterday, as I was leaving the gym to do my show at SiriusXM (The Spectrum! Channel 28! Let me give you the Mumford and Hozier you deserve!), I noticed a voicemail from an unfamiliar Maryland phone number…

Anyway, the whole thing is below. And here's an exclusive postscript: [SPOILER ALERT] I went to Bank of America with the account and routing numbers, and they wrote them down and said "thank you" and that was pretty much that. I asked if I could go into the back office and watch them report it, and they said "No," and I said, "Yeah, no, that makes sense."

Editor's note: Scroll all the way to the bottom to read Dave's morning-after take about what it feels like to go viral.

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I just got targeted by the laziest, shoddiest grifters I have ever come across in my life, and boy did I enjoy it. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I was coming out of the gym, disoriented/exhausted, and there was a vm from a # in MD. I listened: THIS IS A FINAL NOTICE FROM THE IRS. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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(I should be numbering these, but I don't know how many there will be.) (Let's say 20.) — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I called back, because I get stupid after a workout, and I thought: THIS MIGHT BE REAL. I should take it easy maybe. Anyway. (3/20) — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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A very stern person answered the phone & spoke very quickly: this is in reference to your audit in 2008. (which happened. I owed zero.) 4/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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He continued: there is a warrant for your arrest. You face five years in federal prison. We have cancelled your driver's license. (5/20) — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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You owe $5273. We sent a letter to your home in October & nobody was there to receive it. But we left a slip and you never called back. 6/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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THIS TELLS US YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN AWAY. ARE YOU ABLE TO PAY THIS MONEY IN FULL TODAY? 7/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Me: I'll need to talk to my tax preparer (who they're supposed to contact first anyway). (Also, everything else about this is wrong.) 8/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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They said they were going to put me on hold, and then hung up on me. But I had their #, a 20-minute drive ahead of me, and I do improv. 9/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I called back in tears. "I was on the phone with one of your agents, and I got disconnected, and I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. PLEASE HELP." 10/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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"I HAVE MY CREDIT CARD OUT, BUT MY HANDS ARE SHAKING TOO TERRIBLY FOR ME TO READ IT. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP ME." 11/20 — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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There are probably going to be more than 20 of these. Sorry bout it. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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The agent on the phone (a man with a very thick Indian accent whose name was "Officer Eric Johnson") said he could not take my card #. ?/? — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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THEN WHAT AM I TO DO, OFFICER JOHNSON? IF I OWE MONEY, I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY. I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. I CANNOT. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE A JOB. AM I GOING TO BE PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED? Officer Johnson revealed that this was a strong possibility. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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What the IRS needed me to do was this: go to a bank and withdraw $5300 in cash. And stay on the phone with them while I did it. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I agreed. I said (still crying) that I was a five-minute drive from a bank with a drive-thru ATM but that I was driving as fast as I could. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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We stayed on the line together for that whole five minute drive, me and Officer Johnson. I asked how long he'd been at the IRS. 8 years! — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I asked what he did before that, and how he likes the IRS gig. He said: "MR HOLMES I AM BUSY DOING YOUR PAPERWORK." I said: Jeez, of course. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I told him I was pulling up to the ATM to withdraw the money, and he said: YOU CAN'T WITHDRAW THAT MUCH FROM AN ATM. YOU HAVE TO GO IN. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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(I'm going to be honest with you here: that was news to me, but it makes sense now that I think about it.) — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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So I pretended to go into the bank (opened/closed my car door, improvised the whole transaction with a teller voice, THANK YOU! the whole 9) — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I returned to the car, and I said: "Officer Johnson, I have $5300 in a paper bag. Tell me what to do next." He said: hold on. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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He then put me on hold, during which I would imagine there was a 30-second shitty grifter office party. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I was then transferred to his boss, an agent with the same accent who identified herself only as "Officer Debbie." — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Officer Debbie told me I needed to go to a Bank of America and deposit the cash into an account whose number they would give me. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I said: Officer Debbie, isn't it great to be alive in a time when all of this is so easy and intuitive? She agreed that it is. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Officer Debbie then put me on hold, and a bunch of assholes with a burner phone reenacted this performance probably: https://t.co/Yc4MtmSZJQ — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I was then transferred to a guy who announced himself simply as "Agent Paul." Agent Paul was going to give me the account info. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I said: fire away. He gave me an account and routing numbers into which to deposit my money. The name on the account: JACK MILTON. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I said: I'll be sure to tell the teller it's for the IRS, so that he or she is extra careful with the numbers and whatnot. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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He said: you are not allowed to do that. This is a federal case, and talking about it is illegal. I said: that makes perfect sense. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I said: I want to make sure we don't get disconnected, so here's what I'm going to do. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I'm going to keep the Bluetooth connected, leave the phone in the car, and keep the car running in the parking lot while I do this. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Agent Paul said: I don't think you should do that. I said: Bluetooth gets weird though. He couldn't really argue with that. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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So I thanked Agent Paul, told him how crisp and professional Officers Johnson and Debbie had been, and went into the bank to transact. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Opened/closed the car door, thought long and hard about a car-theft plot twist with all new characters, but my destination was close. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Opened/closed the door again (I am driving during this, btw) and said: I've done it. I have my receipt. May I read it to you? — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Agent Paul, said, with palpable enthusiasm and relief: You DID? And no, I don't need to read what's on the receipt. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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And then I passed my destination and decided to circle it for a minute. I said: please let me read it to you. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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It says: this is the worst, sloppiest, saddest attempt at a con I have ever experienced, and you should be ashamed. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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You are BAD AT GRIFTING, and you should STOP IT. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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I hope you never get another good night's sleep, not because you are bad, but because you are TERRIBLE AT BEING A CON ARTIST, and — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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...somewhere out there, someone better is going to con YOU, and you're too dumb to see it coming. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Agent Paul, I swear to God, said: "Please accept my apologies," and hung up the phone. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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And I've thought about it, and I don't accept his apologies. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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You can reach Agent Paul and Officers Johnson and Debbie at 240-523-3767. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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The more time they spend with you, the less time they have to find the one poor shnook who would fall for this and hand over his savings. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

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Anyway, I'm off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends. — Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016

THE MORNING AFTER

So, yeah, once I got home, I started to tell the story on Twitter, assuming it would be of interest only to my friends and most enthusiastic readers, and maybe I'd even lose a few followers on the way. It would be a lot of tweets, after all; this is the kind of story that is meant to be told in dozens of tiny installments. But no: after I was finished, I saw my follower count tick up, and up, and up. I looked at my mentions—which is a thing I had trained myself never to do; Twitter can be a cesspool when you're a gay guy with opinions—and saw a lot of activity. A lot lot. Oh shit, I thought, I have gone viral. I felt like Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon.

It's a strange thing when you find that you're accidentally telling your story to millions of people. You feel powerful, and you realize that you have no power; the story is going to keep moving out into the world and you can't stop it. You feel exhilaration and a tiny speck of concern because what if it actually was the IRS? You start to feel lucky that this kind of thing is happening because of something good you did and not something stupid, and you begin to feel empathy for the Palin family. It's a real roller coaster.

You also realize how differently your story will be heard depending on who provides the signal boost. Josh Charles' followers praised me. Patton Oswalt's thought I made it up as some kind of viral marketing for my book. Darren Criss' said "Hi." "Hi Darren." "ILU Darren." "Darren I am so sick today will you reply to me I love you." (Thanks, it's all true, and I also love you, Darren.)

Dave Holmes Editor-at-Large Dave Holmes is Esquire's L.A.-based editor-at-large.

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