EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic, New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents. “We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and dispatched emergency crews to begin construction on thousands of estates, country houses, and other large abodes along the Long Island shore to ensure that each and every wealthy New Yorker can ride out the pandemic in safety and comfort,” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo, adding that the state hoped to have the first round of 40-room mansions fully constructed and outfitted with all the latest appliances and tech features by the end of the week, although he did stress that some of the wealthy might have to make do with temporary townhouses. “Please bear with us while we finish these sorely needed seventh bedrooms, indoor saunas, and infinity pools. I’ve also issued an executive order to divert food supplies to the Hamptons so that residents will have enough to serve all their guests at their weekend parties. The state has also requested emergency supplies of oak and granite to finish all the flooring and countertops before the wealthy arrive in their private chartered cars. If necessary, we are prepared to invoke emergency powers to finish all of the tennis courts and wine cellars. In this time of crisis, we must do everything we can to ensure that all wealthy New Yorkers have access to the basic luxuries they need.” At press time, MSNBC pundits were praising Cuomo’s handling of the crisis, commenting that his drive to help the wealthy no matter what it cost made him seem very presidential.

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