The people of North Korea were celebrating yet another victory for their Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un after he topped the Weekend League rankings on both PlayStation and Xbox for the 82nd consecutive week.

Reports from state media in Pyongyang say that Kim barely broke a sweat as he began the weekend with a routine 47 – 0 victory over pro-player Tekkz.

“Kim is a nightmare to match up against”, one pro said on condition of anonymity. “He refuses to join our matchmaking Discord channel, so we really are rolling the dice every time we go into a match. Everyone knows a match-up against Kim is a big blow in any Weekend League campaign.

“Once you see his custom player card in the loading screen, you know it’s all over”, said another pro. “Honestly, if I’m on Twitch, I’ll dump the stream. It’s no good for anyone having Kim running to halfway shushing you at 11 or 12 goals up with only 20 in-game minutes gone.”

Kim’s custom player card is certainly a controversial topic amongst the pro community. An EA insider revealed that Kim received the card in exchange for the release of an EA community manager who was arrested in North Korea on dubious espionage charges. Aside from his personal pro player card, Kim’s squad, aptly named ‘The Rocketeers’, consists of all 3 North Korean players available in Ultimate Team, combined with several Chinese and Russian players.

Across the 60 games played this weekend, Kim only conceded 5 goals in total – each from penalties conceded after hacking down opposing Son Heung-min players. North Korean defectors familiar with Kim’s playing style have revealed that Kim takes great pleasure in ‘taking down’ as many of the South Korean superstar’s cards as he can.

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