Back in 2009, along with probably about 16 other junkies who needed a new post-Lost sci-fi/drama fix, I watched this show called Flash Forward. The premise: everyone on Earth simultaneously passes out and sees a 30-second flash of their own life several months into the future and… Yeah, suffice it to say I didn’t know about The Wire.

All the people eventually come to and naturally, the world is in absolute chaos because everyone was driving cars and operating heavy machinery and playing that game where you try to keep the balloon from touching the ground.

But the real chaos comes after that, because:

a) It’s a fucking TV show and

b) Every character (of course) has some super cryptic vision with meaningful implications and whatnot (instead of a much more realistic 30-second stretch, like stubbing your toe on a table leg or wolfing down peanut butter straight from the jar. I mean, let’s be real here).

So people start going nuts: some devote all their energy to understanding their flashes, while others do all they can to prevent them from actualizing. The question of “fate vs. free will” inevitably comes up, and one of the main guys even jumps off a building to his death in order to prove that his flash won’t happen.

[You: Wtf?! Can I get a spoiler alert here??

Me: No. This show got canceled after one season nine years ago. Sit down.]

But one of the craziest things is how often trying to prevent the future actually spun the wheels to make it reality. For instance, the wife of our main protagonist “sees” herself cheating with a complete stranger and despite struggling to avoid it, she ends up having an affair with the dude anyway. Her husband “sees” a relapse into alcoholism and eventually ends up drinking from the very same flask from his vision.

The lesson here? T̶h̶e̶r̶e̶’̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶c̶e̶l̶l̶e̶d̶ There’s a real danger in openly worrying about the future you fear.

Loser: Self-fulfilling prophecies

Let’s start with the obvious in Natalia, who reminds me of every single cute, strong-willed, liberal arts girl I couldn’t help but have a crush on in college.

She comes into the new tribe with both her #1 ally and the muscle man she alleged to have wrapped around her finger just a few episodes ago. So what gives??

Well, the paranoia devil on her shoulder creeps up and whispers: “What if we can’t trust Alec?” And suddenly Natalia starts wondering, “What if we can’t trust Alec?” Before we know it, she’s running around demanding affirmation of trust from Alec and bullying Davie into voting with them.

(Seriously — “if you don’t vote for [Elizabeth], you have no future in this game” is not exactly ideal social gameplay)

In no time at all, Natalia’s worst fears have come true: She can’t trust Alec, thanks in part to her unnecessary bacon-in-a-pan scrambling.

… It’s much like Jeremy last week, who literally could’ve fallen into a coma and would’ve seen Natalie voted out. Instead, he sat everyone down, asked them not to strategize, quickly dug his own grave, got voted out 9–1, and then flamed out in a wild post-episode tirade of accusations (seriously…).

The same could be said for our Nerd Queen Gabby, who’s been having a rough go these past few weeks. We see her sulking on the beach, worrying about how difficult it will be to fit in with these Goliaths… Just as the camera pans to Christian actively schmoozing with Dan & Johnny.

If she keeps sulking, she may very well just find herself cheating on her husband and relapsing into alcoholism before long.

Winner: The “charm offensives”

Christian’s “gerrymandering” analogy to the tribe swap inequalities is apt as the Davids initially seem to be relegated to their true-to-form underdog positions. But very quickly, we see Davids on all three tribes work to flip the script.

For instance, King of corny alliance nicknames Nick somehow endears himself to Mike right off the bat and appears to be taking advantage of the Natalie-sized crack in their tribe.

On “Vuku” beach, Elizabeth and Davie work Alec like ruthless con artists. Their tag-team approach is brilliant, with Davie satisfying Alec’s need for a chill, trustworthy dude while Elizabeth expertly lands a “Make a big move; build up your résumé!” sucker punch to his jaw.

[quick aside re: Elizabeth - nobody who semi-jokingly semi-seriously tells Jeff Probst “I’m concerned, man — I was about ready to poop my pants today” is ever getting voted out that tribal. It just doesn’t happen, ya know?]

And then, of course, there’s…

Winner: Slamtown

I’m worried that this show will end after this season simply because a Johnny/Christian duo might be the best possible thing to ever happen. For all of Survivor’s ups and downs, giving us a robotics whiz and WWE star casually chopping wood and discussing the dynamics of an entirely fictional town that the latter is “mayor” of is why we watch this ridiculous shit.

Plus, their pairing doesn’t seem to be a flash in the pan.

Christian is being spoonfed confessionals like he’s Kevin McCallister eating hotel ice cream. He’s become the de facto narrator of this season and really: Is anyone complaining? Everything he says is gold; please sign me up for ten more episodes of the Christian show. And while his edit is quite generous…

… It’s nothing compared to Johnny Mundo’s. Has anyone else received so much heart-felt attention this season? Seriously — when the camera isn’t zooming in on his muscles’ muscles, they’re letting the wrestler deflate stereotypes by admitting his insecurities and personality quirks.

I mean, this conversation doesn’t even feel that farfetched ~~~

Lowly Survivor producer: Guys — I know how to frame Johnny’s winner edit!

Jeff Probst: Let’s hear it. But if you don’t say “David” and “Goliath” at least once each, you’re fired.

Lowly Survivor producer: Uhm, okay… uhh… We need to show not only that he’s a strong and handsome Goliath, but… umm… he also has the genuine, relatable character depth… of a David!

Probst: Here’s a million dollars and the keys to my car you fucking genius.

~~~… K… Yeah, I’ll just keep the Survivor fan fic to myself from here on out.

Loser: Wasted coconuts

Listen — I applaud the effort to toss some urgency and pressure on Carl to find that advantage at Exile Island. And we even get a fun shot of Carl foraging through ocean debris like a newly-washed-up Tom Hanks.

Except instead of the most personable volleyball of all time, Carl finds the first ever idol nullifier which… Sure? It might be cool? I dunno, man — not the point.

THE POINT IS — I’m sorry, but let’s be honest with ourselves: this is a bit of a bullshit gimmick. Production unravels a brand new trick and we’re supposed to believe it plausibly might wash away with the tide?

Come on… I’m willing to bet all of Jeff Probst’s blue-collared shirts that Carl could just sit back on the beach, toes up, with a marg in hand, and enjoy that special coconut served up to him on a silver platter.

Winner: Ned Schneebly

Personally, I consider it a win every time School of Rock is brought up.

Loser: Telephone

You remember that absolutely pointless yet somehow occasionally entertaining game from recesses of childhood past, don’t you? Where you whisper a mundane phrase into the ear of your neighbor until it makes its way around the circle? And then some asshole kid named Joey or some shit always changes it to “penis” halfway through to ruin fucking everything?

Yeah well… I don’t know what sort of sweet nothings Alec and his somehow still-flawless blonde locks whisper into Elizabeth and Kara’s ears, but unfortunately for Natalia, it doesn’t look like he’s giggling about genitalia.

As it so happens, Alec gets swept up by the #BigMovez craze and flips the vote on its head. He might also just be responding to boredom, the desire for screen time, and an itch to knock someone off their high horse. Which is particularly ironic with Natalia since that’s her whole problem with Natalie!

Which also means… Miss Natalie won the battle of the Natali(e/a)s! Wow! Who saw that coming? Damn, I did not have my money on that one…

Prediction for “next time… on Survivor!”

Jack Black takes Mike White’s place on the tribe until everyone realizes he’s a fraud and votes him out… and Kara is initially mad at Alec but then… they fall in love? And they post an Instagram pic of their relationship prior to the show and get in shit for it? Actually?!