Well, it’s finally here. Just as it’s arrived in every european country and has swept through Italy, the big COVI O’Brian has arrived in Kyiv. The government and the people have gone mental for it like your dad at a Right Said Fred concert in the 80s.

Since the first case in the South-West of the country the government has been playing a game of chicken with itself. First they shut down the schools, so I didn’t give a shit. Then came the Universities – still no shits given. But my life got flipped upside down by the closing of all bars, restaurants and other alcohol middlemen as well as — BARBERS?!

The Ukrainian government’s campaign of removing all ways to look sexy is as irritating as it is innefective. This article won’t discuss the obvious point that herd immunity can’t be achieved if nobody ever crosses paths with anyone else. Or that all these measures are basically the intergovernmental equivalent of my dick’s bigger played by one of Europe’s least successful states. This article, is one full of hope.

Because amongst all the madness, no public transport (and most likely rescheduled dick appointments for many locals and foreigners alike) there has been a small ray of hope. That ray, is the Ukrainian people’s innate ability, to scam eachother and fuck around with the rules. These have been my favourite stories so far.

1 – Irpen man arrested for selling fake testing kits for 750 Grivnyas ($30 approx)

source: https://kiev.vgorode.ua/news/sobytyia/a1108625-za-750-hriven-kazhdyj-moshennik-prodaval-nesertifitsirovannye-ekspress-testy-na-koronavirus

For those of you not au fait with cyrillic – this is not the miscreant

Ok slightly sad, slightly terrible and also slightly amazing.

Where some see a crisis – others see opportunity, and this Irpen role model is no different. The long and short of the story is that through what the article just calls “social media” (Facebook Marketplace I would guess) some guy was selling fake “express” test kits at 750 grivnas a go (25 royal foils approx). Quite a lot of money for a country where the monthly minimum is 4500.

Well he got enough business to attract the attention of the police who took his tests away and have charged him with illegal activity which holds a fine of 17500 grivnas. Quite a bit of money for the average punter but not that much when you consider it’s only 23.3 of his “tests”.

I’m no economist and I’ve never made money on Facebook marketplace but I assume this is kind of all in a days work. All it will take is for him to get enough tin foil and purple food colouring or whatever he was making these things out of, before and he’s back in business. Fines and harrasment are all in a day’s work for a chancer.

Joking aside obviously this guy is an arsehole. But really, if you’re dosey enough to buy a kit off facebook, go meet him in person, hand over the money to a very non-medical -staff-looking guy called Sergey and then act surprised when you get a fake – you shouldn’t be worried about coronavirus, you should be worried about your ongoing fight against evolution. My money is on evolution.

2 – Fake Marshrutkas

Source: Telegram (Typical Kyiv)

Truly the minds of tomorrow

A bit of context here – in most countries you just have buses which are public. But in the former soviet union a lot of places have these kinds of privately owned yellow minivans.

A rare look at one in the wild

They are quite unique in that they are always either going too fast or too slow and are driven solely by men who, had life not dealt them this hand, would be spending their days smoking extra-strong filterless fags and punching the windows of kiosks that don’t give them 2 gryvnas ($0.10) off a pack of fags or espresso or kebab.

So now that you are well versed in the ways of marshrutka – let’s explain this little story.

Following the quarantine of everything fun, the city government slowly started limiting public transport – 10 passangers only on a bus. About 2 days after that obviously doomed policy, they got rid of public transport altogether.

Some enterprising chaps weren’t having any of this “flatten the curve” or “don’t spread your germs in extremely confined spaces” bollocks and decided to continue working. But how? With that disctinctive jaundice-yellow van? No! The police would find them straight away. Then came the greatest idea of all…

Why don’t we just use normal vans?

Genius, of course, well done Vova, master of us all.

Unfortunately it seems that the police have noticed the similarity between two van-like vehicles travelling on the exact same routes as before and have largely shut down this operation. But it was fun while it lasted. I mean you could be taken from one desolate abandoned quarantined area to the next.

It’s a shock it didn’t last long enough for the police to start running it.

3 – Selling your travel pass online

Source: Typichniy Kyiv again

Again with facebook marketplace. Just ask your friends first?

You know earlier when I said that there is no public transport? Well that’s true for most plebs but if you work in an “essential” industry (doctors, nurses, shawarma sellers etc.) then you are given a pass that lets you use public transport. You lucky, lucky people.

Some of these total wankers modern entrepreneurs, who had other modes of transport at their disposal, decided this would be a good way to make a bit of cash (100 local or 8 dingo dollars).

The pass lasts as long as the trolleybuses trams etc. keep running and judging by the cheap paper it’s printed on, that won’t be too long.

The fate of this particular endeavour is unclear at present as all I have is this picture to go by and a short post which just repeats the picture. All I have to say is – why? Why would anyone need to get a trolleybus anywhere when every single interesting thing is already closed? You could go from one end to the other just to kill time but how relaxing is it to be in an old metal and glass cacoon full of stressed medical workers.

What I’m saying is that they 100% didn’t know their market. Unlike these next guys…

4 – Beer shops have managed to stay open as “produce sellers”

That is 50 uk pence a liter. A LITER

The law has been very clear about this. The only shops to stay open are:

Banks (to take your money out of asap)

Shops that sell essentials (food mainly)

Petrol stations

Pharmacies (or mask shops as they will now be known)

Now maybe you can answer this for me.

Where does a shop that solely sells beer fit in to these categories?

It has lots of storage but not for money so it’s definately not a bank. It has pumps but they only fuel headaches so it’s not a petrol station. It sells drugs but not the ones that make you healthier. So the only reason I can see for them being open is that the govenment think that beer and snacks are essential goods.

This one has to take the cake for just pure gall, brazenness and chancery. You can imagine the meeting they must have had at the council.

“So we’re shutting down all non-essential businesses, for the health of the people”

“Right”

“So beauty salons?”

“Of course, nobody needs to look good when they’re all alone”

“Right – coffee shops?”

“Fuck them – why do you need to be awake when you’re staring at the walls of your flat?!”

“Of course sir – beer pumps?”

“What are you talking about? Of course they stay! How will the population get their 5 a day without grapefruit cider? They sell meat, fish and nuts vegetables. They’re clearly a supermarket!”

“Of course sir – I’ll let the people know*”

*for propensity, they didn’t let the people know. I did

Obviously, this is all about keeping the masses happy. I mean if nothing is open, even the gym, drinking is all there is to do to pass the time. It’s honestly just an invitation for us to numb ourlseves with beer and fags so they won’t notice that we haven’t left a 100-metre-squared space for 4 weeks.

A small legal caveat of this is how this system works. I mean – if you can’t go in the pub, how can they sell beer from it?

For the pub above the system is an old and means-tested one – knock on the window. For my local they’ve decided on a more “health-conscious” route.

So far so good right?

Fuck..

If you couldn’t tell already this sign says that only 2 people are allowed in the shop at once, UK after school corner shop style. Yeah the message gets a bit blurred when you consider all this shop sells is beer, fags and high fat cheese, sausage and nuts. Have all the booze you want guys – just don’t stand too close to eachother or you’ll catch the big COVI.

In the words of Richard Littlejohn – you couldn’t make this up.

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