Dear Russian Oligarchs,

It has come to my attention that you have been interfering in American elections. Let me address three issues.

First, we are tired of your long history of deposing leaders that you don’t like in Iraq, Libya and elsewhere. Your interference during elections in Egypt and Latin America is also irritating. Moreover, we are sick of your selling weapons to extremist governments throughout the Middle East. And we are especially fed up with your legendary hubris…

Never mind that last paragraph. My colleagues inform me that it wasn’t you who did that stuff.

Moving on to my second point, we are concerned that you are getting a little too aggressive with all the violations of cybersecurity around the world. The hacking of American systems, for the purpose of spying on our citizens, is reprehensible. And your spying on European allies is equally irritating.

Excuse me. I am informed that there seems to be some “complexity” about exactly which nation’s agencies were doing the hacking of American systems. Let me get back to you on that.

The third point, however, I think is worth emphasizing. We would appreciate it if you’d stop “dicking” our bimbos. (Those were your words, I believe, not mine.) For one thing, they didn’t ask to be dicked. For another, they don’t actually like the way you are dicking them.

If you could go ahead and stop it, that would be great.

Sincerely,

DD