One woman, scared by her country’s election result, sees no chink of light. Remember the millions, like you, trying to make the world a better place, says Mariella Frostrup

The dilemma I am American; born, raised and still living in New York City and I am, without hyperbole, devastated. I feel my country, in electing Donald Trump, has just been led down the road to destruction and mayhem. My shame, confusion, fear, anger, and sadness are unrelenting. I witnessed 9/11 from my school window as a teenager, so I will never think of the US as a place of unending harmony or prosperity, but I cannot believe that so many people would allow this to happen.

I knocked on doors, encouraged people to vote and donated money, but had I known the reality, I would have done much more. I know people in other countries are equally shocked, but do you have any wisdom to share? I would also like to tell those abroad that many of us here find this tragic and deeply embarrassing (no one I know feels differently to me – although I realise that is part of the problem).

Mariella replies My heart goes out to you. Many of us remain mortified by our nation’s recent political choices. We both live in countries that have experienced political shocks of a seismic nature in the past year and you are certainly not alone in your despair and embarrassment. That said, you can’t take responsibility for the choices a nation makes any more than you can for a partner.

The best we can hope for is to try to understand why such choices were made and let that inform future dialogue. On the summer day we voted to leave the EU, plenty of us in the UK were as devastated as you are now, but time has encouraged a degree of sagacity. Pulling up the drawbridge to the UK has provided a salutary lesson to those on both sides, and neither seemed to be in step with voters. Believing you’re the one in the right is no alternative to appreciating the concerns of others, no matter how alien their beliefs might feel.

It’s a lesson as true in politics as it is in our personal lives. Being so convinced of the righteousness of your beliefs that you block your ears to opposing ideas is certainly not constructive. Never has the liberal left looked more out of step with the populist tune and I speak as a paid-up member of that fraternity. My belief and hope is that the referendum and election outcomes in both the UK and US respectively will animate us all out of our apathetic stupor. We’ve been treading water for too long. Like partners in an unhappy marriage we needed things to hit rock bottom to force us out of our hapless ways.

Our daily diet of failure is delivered through every media outlet, our excesses and cruelties writ large

The world as we know it has to change. It feels as though the divide between rich and poor hasn’t been so pronounced since the Middle Ages. Along with our determination to claim whatever meagre bit of soil we consider our birthright, we’re becoming increasingly useless at the life skills essential to survival. My shameful TV secret is that I’m an I’m a Celebrity viewer, a programme that often confirms my theory that evolution is in retreat. Your future president would have made a perfect contestant. I suspect you know how to light a fire, wash your socks and whip up a meal from basic ingredients, but that basic skill set is gradually making you part of a minority in the developed world.

It’s a dangerous state of affairs. No wonder the proponents of fear are taking over. As a species we are scared witless and feel increasingly helpless about where we are heading. But instead of fuelling us to care better for our planet and its inhabitants we’ve been wringing our hands and staring out the window.

Again, as in a relationship, it’s all too easy to identify where things are wrong and harder, but more constructive to identify where we’re getting it right. Our tally in making the world a better place is something we don’t often add up. Instead our daily diet of failure is delivered through every media outlet, our excesses and cruelties writ large to capture the popular imagination. So it’s hard not to despair.

If you look at the history of mankind, this lurch to the right, making self-protection instead of magnanimity our mantra, is instinctive when the going gets tough. Yet across the globe there are millions of individuals like you – active, politically aware, socially conscious and prepared to take action to shape a brave new world around their hopes and dreams.

Donald Trump is an anomaly and will one day be a historical footnote. He’s a symptom, not a cause or a cure. In hindsight we may even be grateful to him. All relationships benefit from navigating a few crises along the way. Only when we are confronted by our worst behaviour do we pull ourselves back from the abyss. As the late, great Leonard Cohen growled: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” During these dark days it’s more important than ever to focus on that sliver.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1