Yesterday, as often happens, Ask and I started talking to a guy while we were out and about and he quickly focused in on me while pretty much ignoring Ask.

It should go without saying, but this behavior was totally rude. It was also sexist. This bartender acted as though I was the one who he thought he could connect with on a range of topics, the only one whose opinions he found interesting, the only one he figured would get his references. Because I look more masculine.

I’ve always taken more of a male role, socially. In the past I could be a bit of an overcompensating sexist douche, but even without that I feel comfortable being grouped with the guys, relating to guys as equals or competitors, and relating to women with a bit more care, as if I’m in slightly foreign territory. I wouldn’t say I feel more comfortable around men, but I do find it relaxing to be in a group that’s all or mostly men, which can be hard to find when you’re steeped in lesbian culture.

Ask wonders, reasonably enough, why I would need to actually be perceived as a guy, to change my name, my pronouns, and my appearance, if people already naturally treat me as a guy in large part. She hasn’t exactly accused me of wanting even more male privilege, but I think that’s part of it.

I don’t particularly feel like I want male privilege, but I do feel like I’d be more comfortable if other people easily and unquestioningly perceived me as male rather than as a “sort-of-like-a” male or “honorary” male. These past few days I’ve been looking more into genderqueer and non-binary identities, and I feel very conflicted about them. On the one hand, I don’t see myself as having always been a boy, and I think my decades of lived experience as a female are at least as important to my identity as my newfound feelings of wanting to be a guy could be. But, on the other hand, I think I’d rather be a man who is, perhaps, a little genderqueer rather than a genderqueer woman, a butch genderqueer, or a nonbinary or androgynous person. I’d rather be seen as male and then complicate it rather than the opposite.