According to CNN, President Obama has signed a bill into law prohibiting the sale and distribution of products containing “microbeads,” owing to their inability to break down before entering waterways, endangering the marine life that might mistakenly ingest the balls as food.

Or some other environmental bollocks, who knows. The important thing you need to know is: microbeads are those plastic beads under 5 millimeters in size — but usually smaller than 1 millimeter — that are used in products from toothpaste to facial scrubs. They’re also used in biomedical research, though research-grade beads are exempt from the ban.

As a cosmetic additive they provide crucial exfoliating power to a huge variety of grooming products. Banning them is a literal microaggression, designed to hit America’s homosexual population — for whom smooth, glowing skin isn’t a luxury but a daily necessity — hardest.

Monthly spending by gay men on cosmetics is nearly double that of straight men. Because of course it is. Democrat-voting homosexuals should be horrified at their President’s actions, which prioritise the ball-swallowing habits of idiotic and irrelevant marine life above the skincare routines of their community.

Never mind the threat to gay men posed by mass Muslim immigration: I’ll throw myself off a roof before I embrace a world without scrubbed skin and healthy pores. The President blames Muslim terrorism on global warming, but blaming gays for a few dead fish is beyond the pale, even for a cold fish like Obama.