Sorry, “Gamer Girls,” But You’re Not Real Fans Until You Can Tell Me What a Smart, Handsome Boy I Am

Alright ladies, the jig is up. You may have the rest of the world fooled, with your Skyrim shirts and your Keyblade keychains, but I’m not convinced. In my eyes, you’re not a REAL gamer until you sit me down and tell me what nice, sweet, handsome boy I am.

Let’s be honest, how much do you REALLY know about Warcraft lore or my hobbies and interests? Can you name all the original 151 Pokémon and my PSAT score percentile? Do you understand Bloodborne’s story or did you just beat the bosses while ignoring all the environmental storytelling, just like you’ve ignored the various interesting D&D stories I’ve been telling you while we wait in line at this GameStop register? Do you even know how to tuck me right like my mommy does?

These are the qualities that mark a TRUE gamer; your silence and avoidance at making eye contact speak volumes, ma’am.

Fakers like you think you can come into this community, put on a cute cosplay, and get all the attention. Newsflash: if anyone is going to get attention for looking good, it’s going to be me, the nice boy wearing a cool shirt he got in a Loot Crate and the cargo shorts that give him the highest movability to pocket ratio. I haven’t put all this time and effort into memorizing nerdy facts and information to be upstaged by some girl who makes my heart flutter and pulse quicken.

Sorry if that “triggers” you, but until you can tell me that I’m such a fine young man, then you’re just not a real gamer and you’re not welcome here. Unless you want to be my girlfriend or something.