EU demands custody of Northern Ireland at weekends

The EU has opened up a new row in Brexit negotiations by demanding custody of Northern Ireland every weekend.

The question of the Irish border has been a tricky one in negotiations, with both parties insisting on full control – and the latest demand is unlikely to improve matters.

“We’d take them to the cinema and buy them ice cream and do everything in our power to turn Northern Ireland against you by the time you get it back on Sunday night,” said chief negotiator Michel Barnier in a blunt expression of intent.

“And we’d buy them a lot more stuff than you because we love them more,” he added in a manner that observers described as being ‘dignified and not petulant in the slightest’.

The Child Support Agency is understood to be looking favourably on the custody demand, noting that Britain is unlikely to be able to keep up the £350m per week maintenance payments promised by Boris Johnson due to not having any fucking money.

In other news, Spain has demanded a DNA test on the Jeremy Kyle show to prove they’re Gibraltar’s real daddy.