Well, it turns out you just need to know where to go. There are some places where the true spirit of Halloween lives on in grand fashion ...

Let's face it, Halloween will never be as cool as it was when you were a kid. Yes, as an adult you get the joy of slutty costumes and spending the evening drunk, but it's just not the same. Haunted houses aren't scary, costumes are lame and the parties are just cardboard decorations and people weeping quietly (your experiences there may vary).

5 Eastern State Penitentiary's Badass Haunted House

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First, let's talk about the Halloween staple, the haunted house. Unless you're 12, you probably can't remember the last time you were actually scared at one of these. Sure, you might have been startled at one, when the guy with the hockey mask and toy chainsaw jumped out at you. But not scared. You're far too old and jaded to ever go running home to mommy because of some big building with cheesy horror decorations taped to the walls.

Now allow Pennsylvania to prove you wrong with Terror Behind the Walls. It's a Halloween attraction (talk about stretching a term) set in Eastern State Penitentiary, a goddamn bona fide haunted prison complex.

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Once you enter, you can never leave (except through the gift shop).

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Built in 1829, the ESP had a reputation as a pretty nightmarish place when it was operational -- a visiting Charles Dickens described it as "worse than any torture of the body."