My contract with The Athletic gives me unlimited use of a private jet, free visits to a masseuse and a villa in the south of France.



Alas, my agent failed to negotiate the one perk I truly desired—an opt-out clause for my annual predictions column.



Therefore, I am left with no choice: Continue the sabotage I initiated my last two years at foxsports.com. Deliver a column mocking all of the serious analysis produced by joyless numbers crunchers. Dare the editors to kill my spectacular display of “journalism.”



You want predictions? Oh, I’ve got predictions. Read ‘em and weep. And direct your complaints, short jokes and other assorted insults to @Ken_Rosenthal or the comments section below.



Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up:



30. Miami Marlins Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez offer to stage a benefit for the club, complete with A-Rod welcoming old friend Derek Jeter to his CNBC show, Back in the...