Name: Dogfishing.

Age: In human years, 20-45.

Appearance: You are just so cute and adorable! Aren’t you? Yes you are. Yes you ARE!

Thanks … I did actually brush my hair today. Not you.

Oh. Who’s cute and adorable then? All the dogs on Tinder – and the other dating apps that are available.

I thought that Tinder was mainly for humans who date other humans, but I suppose the world moves fast these days … No, you’re right. The dogs themselves aren’t looking for love – at least, no more than usual. They just appear in people’s profile pictures.

Ah, I see. I suppose it’s only fair to warn your dates in advance. On the contrary; having a dog is a great way to start a flirty conversation.

“Rub my ears”, “lick my face” etc? Well … maybe it gets to that stage eventually. Some research suggests that women are especially likely to find men attractive if they have a dog, perhaps because they see it as evidence of a kind, warm and trustworthy personality.

Only a nice guy would willingly share his home with an animal that eats its own sick. Something like that. And men have cottoned on. One study found that about a quarter of men knowingly put their pet in their dating profile as bait.

Well, if milady desires it … And a few men have found that borrowing someone else’s dog works just as well. This is “dogfishing”.

What? Do you mean to say that some men will exaggerate in order to get laid? I’m afraid so. The Washington Post reports the case of a man in Sydney who lends his dog to his friends for dating purposes.

The cad! There’s also a woman who discovered that the dog in her date’s picture wasn’t his, although he wouldn’t admit it face-to-face. “He said something along the lines of: ‘It would’ve been too awkward to bring up’,” she said.

Why on earth would people lie about this? Have you tried actually owning a dog? They are noisy, they chew your furniture, they cost a fortune to feed, you have to walk them every day and pick up their faeces, they shed fur everywhere, they bite people, they make your home smell …

No, no, I mean, what’s the point of telling a lie that will inevitably be discovered if things go well? I suppose if they can postpone the moment of discovery beyond the having sex stage and into the getting bored of each other stage.

I’m shocked and appalled. How can I ever trust a man with a dog again? You could make him produce vets bills, I suppose.

Do say: “Scratch my tummy while I roll around on my back.”

Don’t say: “Strap a leash around my neck and make me eat from a bowl on the floor.”