The Ten Whack Commandments

Dedicated to Lilah, Dari, plus Linda T.

I.

If you’re a good guy, you don’t gotta keep saying you’re a good guy. In fact, just stop saying who and what you are and:

A. Let others do that for you and —

B. Just do the things that SHOW who you are. Normally, it’s the dude puffing his chest out in the quest to be the all mighty alpha, that has the least valuable thing to add to the conversation.

Also, just shut the fuck up more often. Period.

II.

If she turns you down, walk away, holmes. Like, really. Do some yoga, contemplate life, jog around the block, call ya’ moms…

Whatever.

But, whatever you do, leave her the fuck alone, bruh.

III.

Give up ya' seat, fam. On the bus, On the train. Like, I get it. You had a hard day, too. You was at ya’ desk flirting with ya' work wife, or you was standing up all day at the construction site working for The Man. I feel you. But, she had to go through shit you can’t even fathom. Plus, its just a nice fucking thing to do. It ain’t that serious.

You can sit yo' ass down when you get home. I know you got a couch at the crib, shun.

IV.

Be honest. Like, I done had some very fuckboy moments. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, made promises I ain’t keep, ran from situations with no real explanation as to why.

All you got is ya’ word. Stand by it.

Stand behind it. If you are honest FROM THE JUMP, it just saves you a whole lotta trouble. Someone may still get hurt or even hate your existence, but hey, at least you can say you were upfront. Intentions are everything. EVERYTHING. Be aware of yours. Be honest with the people in your life, But most importantly, be yourself.

V.

Stop trying to police feelings, hair, body parts, clothing…

JUST STOP!

Yes, we live in a free society, with free will. Deal. People will do and/or say what they want, how they want, and when they wanna do it.

Yes, you can have an opinion. but said opinion does not have to be demeaning or offensive. She’s breastfeeding in public? That bothers you? You saying anything gonna make her say, “You know what, lemme stop doing this natural thing with my natural body that yo’ natural ass momma did for you when you was a little ass person?”

Nah. So stop.

She’s twerking? Bet ya’ moms woulda twerked for MLK if he came down 138th and the Grand Concourse.

Check why YOU’RE offended, homie.

VI.

Stop catcalling. Just stop. There’s mucho places to get ya holla’ on:

The club, library, college campus, class, bar, museum, party, coffee shop, concert, zoo, aquarium, a baseball game, at work, the dentist’s office...

Just don’t do it in the street.

And if you reeeeeally need to have the convo, don’t grab her arm or pull her, champ. If she got earphones in, let her be.

And unless you are also reading The Framework for Dissecting White Male Privilege in the 21st Century* too, let her be. Smile, and keep it moving.

I just made that title up. Cool title, though, huh?

VII:

Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics. Do not send unrequested dick pics.

DO. NOT.

VIII.

Don’t hit her. Don’t rationalize hitting her. Don’t make veiled comments about hitting her. If she’s pregnant don’t threaten her with hitting her. If you ain’t laying hands on her for a massage, a prayer, or some coital action, nah. No excuse...

None.

She tryna’ put hands on you? Walk away, call the police, Jump out a window, I dunno...

Just, nah.

IX.

Don’t be a creep. Don’t follow her home. Don’t send creepy texts and DMs. Don’t call her a thot or a bitch or a ho or a slut when she curve you. That’s life, man. Dust ya' self off. You will live.

X.

Be aware of your privilege as a man and don’t use it to be a coward or a sucker by saying and doing things to take advantage. Be understanding, LISTEN to others. Just because you hurt doesn’t mean you get to hurt another. I know we as men have been taught that’s soft or whatever, but we gotta invest time for love and healing and compassion and understanding. That’s real strength. You wanna lead with machismo and brute force? Cool. Just know you won’t last very long. The journey we on ain’t for the faint of heart. Leave a stamp on the world that matters. In every interaction, be humble and gentle and sincere.