Published in a slightly different form on PsychCentral!

In my experience as a couples therapist, men come into couples therapy with one of the following mindsets:

1- What is her problem all the damn time? Why can’t she just chill out? WE don’t have problems, SHE has problems. I have to get back to work.

2- Why does my wife hate me so much and what did I do to make her so cold toward me? If I figure out how to communicate better, she will love me again, and also then we will have more sex.

3- We are headed for divorce but if I come in here a few times, I will always be able to tell myself I did everything I could.

Let’s focus for this one post on guy #1, whom we shall call Mr. Perfect. This high achieving specimen of masculinity is usually in some field requiring an excess of education or on-the-job training. He is excels at work and receives a lot of positive feedback. When he comes home, the kids look up to him. He can take the kids for an afternoon on his own because he is highly competent in all situations, even those involving toddlers and poop. His friends consider him a good guy. He is attractive and well spoken. In an emergency, he is calm, cool, and collected. What a guy, right? (Don’t swoon just yet.)

The one albatross around his neck is his crazy wife, whom we shall call Crazy Wife. She texts him all the time. She thinks he may be having an affair, or that he is a workaholic. She complains about his lack of emotional involvement and that he doesn’t seem to be very interested in what she thinks or feels. She sometimes gets so “crazy” as to cry or scream, just to get a reaction from him. Of course he doesn’t give her one. He is not into that sort of thing. Emotions to him are messy and silly. Of course he loves his Crazy Wife, he married her, didn’t he? And he’s been the same guy all along, what the hell does she want from him now? Candlelight and roses? This is a marriage, not a musical. A variety of this dynamic is seen in the (great) movie War of the Roses.

How does Mr. Perfect turn out so perfect? Many times men grow up in an atmosphere that condemns emotional expression. Boys are told not to cry and to suck it up when they feel hurt. Many households are fairly devoid of emotional expression, something that the children don’t realize until they see other families, and may never realize if they don’t look closely at their upbringings.Mr. Perfect often makes his Crazy Wife feel gaslighted. She thinks she must in fact be as insane as he thinks she is, because she feels so out of control around him. Her friends think her husband is great. Good provider, handsome, friendly, and great with the kids.

Despite looking good on paper, this man is emotionally absent. He shares no vulnerabilities with his wife, no fears, and no insecurities. He doesn’t even like talking about insecurities or vulnerabilities, and shuts down or problem solves when his wife brings up her vulnerable emotions. She has many of these, because often she is struggling with low self-esteem from experiences in her own upbringing. Her husband’s inability to express emotions or validate her emotions leads to attachment panic in the wife, the same as it does for babies whose mothers look at them without expression. She wonders if there is anyone listening to her at all when she talks to her husband. She feels alone, yet, since he is physically there, he tells her that she is crazy, or at the very least, being overdramatic, by saying she feels lonely.

Men raised this way often gravitate toward women on the highly emotional end of the spectrum, whom they originally, during dating, find fascinating and intense, very unlike themselves. These women, for their part, initially find less emotional men to be stable and impressive. They admire their emotionally restrained partners initially for their confidence and ability to handle themselves well in most situations.

Yet, over time, both partners start to feel misunderstood by each other. They become polarized, where the Crazy Wife acts increasingly crazier in her attempts to get some sort of a “human” reaction out of her husband, and Mr. Perfect acts increasingly perfect, never sharing any weakness or vulnerability of his own, even more so as a defense because he is increasingly scared of and confused by how out of control his wife seems. A good movie example of this dynamic is the start of When a Man Loves a Woman. Meg Ryan is an alcoholic and acts dramatic and “crazy,” and her husband is a definite Mr. Perfect, who admits no weakness of his own.

If this relationship dynamic resonates with you, try and take the first step toward a closer connection, and look for a couples counselor. A helpful therapist can determine what is at the root of Mr. Perfect’s need to appear so perfect. The husband may be narcissistic or he may even tend toward Asperger’s Disorder or alexithymia. You do not need to stay locked in a toxic pattern, and you owe it to yourself to see if your marriage can change for the better. If Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia could do it, so can you.The first step toward a healthier relationship is for Mr. Perfect to admit some of his fears and vulnerabilities, ranging from earlier in childhood to now as an adult. The Crazy Wife will often be astonished and moved to hear her “robotic” husband speak more emotionally and put himself out there with her emotionally. She may be able to stem the tide of her “crazy” behavior, which was really seeking emotional connection, albeit at any cost. And she can try and explore why she is so violently triggered by a perceived lack of connection with her partner, and what this means about her experiences with emotions and relationships in her early life.

By the way, if you’re interested in what a healthy version of this dynamic would look like, check out The Stable Guy And His Sensitive Wife!

Next time: Couple #2: The Ice Queen and the Martyr.

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Order Dr. Rodman’s newest book, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and order her first book: How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person

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