Photograph from Library of Congress / AP

HELL (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “flabbergasted” by the events of this week, the Revolutionary War-era traitor Benedict Arnold offered a ringing defense of his own career in treason, asserting, “I was never this blatant.”

“I was brought up to believe that betraying your country was something you’d do very secretively,” Arnold, who now resides in Hell, said. “If you were going over to the enemy side, you’d do everything you could not to be detected. You wouldn’t go around announcing it to the world like a jackass.”

Although Arnold understands why commentators have been using the word “treason” to describe the alarming spectacle they have witnessed this week, he said, “Throwing the word ‘treason’ around like that is very unfair to traitors, and I would even say hurtful.”

“Traitors put a lot of thought, planning, and subtletly into every one of their actions and utterances,” he said. “When I look at these so-called acts of treason, I have to ask, Where’s the professionalism? Where’s the work ethic? The sloppiness and sheer idiocy of it all is jaw-dropping.”

Speaking of his treasonous colleagues in Hell, including Judas Iscariot, Vidkun Quisling, and the entire Vichy government, Arnold said, “Every traitor down here is shaking his head.”