Christmas Queens Ruviewed!



Let me just start by saying, TIS THE SEASON HUNTIES… for dragnificent (if gratuitous) holiday releases!

While the rest of the Bioqweenz were writing letters to Santa asking him to sprinkle a bit of bisexual dust on the drag queen community (what else would bio-girls dying to kai kai with the likes of Adore Delano and Pearl ask for?), I took it upon myself to review Christmas Queens - the new, fun holiday jumble that brings together 16 drag queens of RPDR fame.

The album starts off with all the ladies together on We Wish You a Merry Christmas, and picks up as soon as Alaska voices over how she won’t take any non-vegan figgy pudding. Other queens follow suit, making jokes about the personas we grew to know and love onDrag Race. The girls’ interactions with each other add something special to this traditional tune, peppering it with little in-jokes forRPDR fans.

Christmas Queens’ stronger tracks are those that allow the Rugirls to showcase their personalities and still surprise us. While many of the tracks are based around a queen’s persona (Katya’s revamped 12 Days of Christmas is so Katya that I can’t even) and many may surprise us (Sharon Needles what the ever-loving water off a fuck’s back is that voice in Jingle Bells?) a few really shine through as being fresh and spirited enough to keep on repeat.

Alaska leads the pack again by singing the first solo track, herEveryday Is Christmas. This goofy pop song is everything we love about Alaska. It’s fun, relatable, and sweet. It sounds like it could be an outtake from Mariah Carey’s Christmas CD, if Mariah smoked a pack a day or had a sense of humor.

Next up is Ginger Minj with her ode to the Big 3 of the holiday season, Christma-Hannu-Kwanzaa-Ka. Ginger part sings-part speaks throughout her number and relies on her comedy, which on some level works, but also feels a bit contrived. You did fantastic in the challenge with the Divine skit. Eggs. Eggs. Eggs. Come on zakuh, Ginger, I think you can do better lyrics-wise.

No tea, no shade, no eggnog-ade, some queens just can’t sing. And as Bianca Del Rio has quipped - some queens really shouldn’t. We can give thanks that this season (some of) those queens have given us songs with mostly spoken lyrics. Detox and Violet basically speak poetry over music for their numbers, and on some level it works.

Detox goes for a club-thumping beat on This is How We Jew It, and while one listen was enough for me, her pronunciation of Yiddish words was very commendable. This song could come on in my cardio dance class at the YMCA - I mean the JCC - and it would be a hit.

Later on, Violet reads us a sexxxy version of The Night Before Christmas. Remember how scandalized you felt as a little girl listening to I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?Well imagine mommy decked out in leather and Santa’s sack full of sex toys and you’re almost to the level of kink Violet gives us on her track.

Speaking of queens who aren’t so musically inclined… Jiggly Caliente… Dios mio… I don’t know what I can say about this song that won’t land some coal in my stocking. Ratchet Christmas sounds like Jiggly’s Season 4 teeth scratching along my eardrums. It’s abrasive, tinny, and a little apathetic. Kinda like that outfit she glued together for the “RUpocalypse Now” challenge.

Now, on to a few queens who achieved that secret formula I mentioned - of playing up their personas while surprising the listener. Phi Phi has gifted us the standout hit of the album, Naughty or Nice. This song sounds like an early 2000’s pop Christmas jam, think Mandy Moore circa 2001. Phi Phi is showing us the ‘bad girl’ we came to know through Drag Race, while at the same time playing up her sweet side (which I never believed existed til this track). It’s refreshing to see Phi Phi shine in her own right, being playful instead of bitchy.

The American Apparel girls band together for another of the CD’s gems, Christmas Sweater. Nothing is more Willam than his verse on this song, singing about how Christmas this year sucks. It’s irreverent, trashy and hilarious, just like the only disqualified queen in Drag Race herstory. Courtney also kills it on this track, managing to be funny, cute, and pathetic all at once. I won’t spoil her verse because… well it’s just too adorable. Courtney stands out among the strong personalities of the AAA Girls on this song. Regretfully, Alaska’s part just seems straight up lazy and only left me wondering how many karate patches she’ll get for Christmas this year. Womp womp.

On Head to Mistletoe Courtney sings about a cutesy romance with Santa. The saccharine lyrics are made even sweeter by the Australian lilt in her voice. Courtney, like Phi Phi, has completely won me over with her performance on this album.

Willam rips off Baby It’s Cold Outside and turns it into A Very Cozby Christmas, making the song even more date-rapey than it originally was. It’s very Willam. As a romantic, I wish this song could’ve been sung by Adore Delano and Bianca Del Rio.

Miss Fame’s Toyland is a dreamy number that is probably the only song you could slip into the Christmas playlist at your grandparents’ house and nobody would notice. It sounds almost like a lullaby, but with more glamour.

What to say about Christmas Is Coming, sung by Darienne Lake, Ivy Winters, and Pandora Boxx? It’s chit chatty banter over what sounds like a medieval Christmas carol. It left me with questions more than anything else. How did these three end up together? What is a hay penny? Or is it hey penny? What’s going on? No idea.

Sandwiched into the middle of the album is the beloved Katya singing her own rendition of 12 Days of Christmas. Her intro on We Wish You a Merry Christmas was promising but this song falls flat. Yes, this song allows her to showcase that gross sense of humor we love, but girlfriend is rolling her r’s so hard I am surprised she doesn’t need to ask Santa for a new tongue for Christmas. I know Katya is from Soviet Union, I appreciate that, it’s all well andhorosho, but the thick Russian accent is over the top, even for Katya. Admittedly, 12 Days of Christmas, is one of the lamest and most repetitive songs to work with, and Katya delivers on the weirdness and hilarity that makes her so popular, but I can’t sing along to this. And I don’t want to.

Sharon Needles shows up on her own version of Jingle Bells, but you wouldn’t know it from the cockamamie British (or Australian?) accent she’s putting on here. Besides her characteristic cackle, this song sounds nothing like Sharon Needles. The lyrics are typical Sharon, putting a little bit of a nasty, devilish spin on holiday classic. It’s a fun little romp on the satanic side of Christmas, but it disappointingly sounds more like Aaron than Sharon.

On the album opener, Christmas Queens, Jinkx wonders aloud about what she’s even doing here since she’s Jewish, so instead of singing about Santa or Christmas, she chooses to sing about colors.Red and Green is a lovesick piano-backed ballad that didn’t really make sense to me. Is this song about how Chanukah pales in comparison to Christmas in our society? Jinkx could be making a statement for all I know. Maybe Jinkx took a Christian lover who didn’t respect her own traditions. I wish I knew more, but all I got from this song is that red and green love ain’t the loving kind.

The album is rounded out by Manila Luzon’s Slay Bells, an upbeat pop song about the winter -time razzle-dazzle like furs, diamonds, and mittens. It sounds like it could be on the radio today with it’s flirty lyrics and doo-wop bridge. It’s glamorous and glitzy, but not very memorable.

TL,DR:

The (bendela)crème of the crop: Everyday Is Christmas, Toyland, From Head to Mistletoe, Christmas Sweater, Naughty or Nice

Skip: Christma-hannu-Kwanzaa-Ka, Ratchet Christmas, Christmas Is Coming

Give a listen to: All of them! Hello! You can’t just skip songs because some gal on the Internet didn’t like them. Listen for yourself and let me know what you think about Christmas Queens!

And there you have it dahhlings, one Bioqween’s take on the Christmas album du jour!

To quote Sharon Needles, Hail Santa!