In my first Dominant/submissive relationship, my partner would hit me too hard. We agreed previously that if he hit me too hard, I would use our safeword and we would renegotiate. I called attention to it, asking him to stop. But he used his dominance as a definite decree. He told me that because I was his submissive, I had to handle the pain and just deal with it. He called me “a dirty little whore who liked being abused,” and when I objected, would once again tell me to deal with it. I soon discovered after a conversation about our plans for the future that he expected me to dedicate my whole life to him and that my aspirations were not, and never would be, as important as his life.

When I joined FetLife at age 18, I was amazed by the social database of kink. I was surprised that everyday people participated in kink. I found groups that allowed identities to collide (like Kinky and Geeky) and people mixing their kinkiness with their everyday lives. The virtual normalization made me feel like part of a community and helped me understand that kink isn’t scary, but is just regular people doing what they love.

But because kinky people exist within the realms of everyday life, relationship abuse still exists as well. I started looking at other people’s writings, especially the ones about abuse within the community, and I was intrigued by their perspectives. I read the ways that some abusers use kink as a disguise. Although they are not the majority of kinksters, these are still refined hunters, targeting young newcomers who have just entered the kink scene and taking advantage of these vulnerable positions. I had figured that a community so focused on communication wouldn’t have these issues, which was naive of me to believe.

Clear communication, setting and understanding limits and consistently checking in with your partner are the foundations of strong kinky relationships. Although there was a learning curve, once I understood these processes, my experiences were more mutually beneficial.

Unfortunately, 50 Shades of Grey is the dominant media depiction of kink, but Anastasia and Christian do not practice these foundational tools, so most newcomers have a flawed perspective of what “healthy” looks like. For me, being well-read on healthy kink didn’t prevent my vulnerability to the appeal of a dominant figure. It was similar to a first love — wholeheartedly giving in to emotion and taking warning signs with a grain of salt. But making emotional decisions left me unable to consider my safety and realize that my dedication to my partner wasn’t always in my best interest.

At certain points, I thought passivity was a requirement to hold a submissive role and that my opinion on certain sexual acts didn’t matter. I had a boyfriend who demanded every time we took a shower that I jack him off. It would take a while for him to cum, which was OK, but left me suffocating from the steam in the hot shower. I thought it was my obligation to hold out because he was my dominant, and he did nothing to dispel this idea.

Even if I said no to my abusive partners, they still tried to convince me to go through the acts I didn’t want to do. I always have and always will refuse to participate in urine play. Yet there were instances when different partners tried to convince me — in the middle of sex — to try it out. One time, a partner suggested we try it; although he asked for permission, I knew his expectation was that I would say yes. I looked at him in the eyes and bluntly said, “Uh, no.” We had discussed our limits previously and he was aware that I wasn’t into this. But he continued, trying to convince me how hot it would be. My refusal annoyed him and he ended the scene.

He considered it a punishment to my “disobedience,” but I was fine with this because I didn’t want to have sex with someone who tried to blatantly ignore my comfort level. But there was no act of disobedience. I did what I was comfortable with and stayed within our predetermined rules. And this is one of the most critical rules about kink: Do what you are comfortable with and only what you want to do. Kink is not abusive, but abuse can exist within kink. I believe these partners were some of the hunters that were described in the FetLife posts. They used kink to exploit positions of power for their own benefit.

Like everything else in the world, kink has the good with the bad. But this is not a determinant of all kink. Kink is my homeground — the people who I know will always understand me. The kink community, that everyone is so weirded out by, contains some of the most amazing humans on the planet. Caution in participating and consent in participating do not have to be mutually exclusive.

Taylor Romine writes the Tuesday column on sex. Contact her at [email protected].