o When someone in the congregation accuses him of making a deal with the Devil he laughs and says: "Satan! Hell, I thought you said Santa!"

o She chastises the Three Wise Men for giving the baby Jesus gifts of frankincense and myrrh by asking: "Who forgot the diapers?"

o He arrives at the church food drive wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Hear No Evil Have No Fun."

o She urges her parishioners to attend her special Saturday night sermon: "What is Hell?" followed by a practice session of the church.

o When confronted about his belief in the Bible he refers to it as "a gassy novel that sold so badly they had to give it away."

o She breaks a fingernail on the pulpit and yells: "Holy Crap!"

o In a sermon about the Jews' place in Christianity, your minister gets "catechism" confused with "circumcision" and the service had to be cancelled due to excessive laughter.

o Blaming her dyslexia, she often refers to the faithfulness of the dog, instead of God.

o He ends each sermon with a rousing singalong of: "Darwin Loves You, Yes He Does!"

o Claiming she has converted Jehovah Witnesses to his congregation, she warns her flock about people coming to their doors on Sundays who do not want to talk about "God."

o From the outset she has followed two books of religious thought — The Bible and The Rebuttal.

o Noting the murder, rape, stoning and eye-gouging in the New Testament, your minister suggests a label on the cover of the Bible: "The following pages contain scenes of violence and animal sacrifice. Viewer discretion is advised."

o You get the feeling he's not big on blasphemy when he refers to Benny Hinn and Creflo Dollar Jr. as "a real pair of A-holes!"

o She claims the "Light at the end of the tunnel" prophecy has been eliminated by the high cost of energy since Kathleen Wynne sold Ontario Hydro.

o When cornered about his emphasis of superstition over religion he throws up his hands and says: "Don't get me started about the Amish!"

o She has reduced the Ten Commandments to six and wants "Though shalt not covet thy neighbour's house based on fair market value."

o His sermon on Easter Sunday featuring the Resurrection was titled: "Christ Calls In Sick."

o And finally, you know your minister is sitting on Christianity's fence when she refers to heaven as "a bridge too far with really nice gates."

William Thomas is a humour columnist. For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca.