love(d) by erin kim

how weird is it, to love someone for so many countless days of your life, and then to one day try and stop.



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there are a few topics i've come to learn people have a tougher time talking about: death, family relationships, salary, weight , break ups, and how often people wash their hair.



i understand why all of these topics are potentially awkward to talk about - maybe they reveal something a little different, therefore vulnerable about ourselves; it's hard to externalize private moments or mundanities with others. but i wish people could talk about all of these concepts more openly - instead of depending on a magazine or media to share what a supposed majority feels about these personal topics, i wish we talked about all these things in individual conversation with one another, everyday, on instagram, over coffee, anywhere.



of these concepts, in this moment, i wish people talked more about break ups. a few weeks ago, i broke up with someone i loved deeply. this experience has been nothing like i'd ever imagined. one day, he was suddenly no longer my boyfriend. and with just a few words, i was no longer his girlfriend.



but what does this really mean - in words it's easy. to "break up." sounds so concrete. i visualize a branch breaking in half - it's so defined, done, kaputt.



but in reality, it's not. breaking up is more like melting ice, like leaves changing color, like plants growing, it's not a timelapse, there's no fast forward, you have to sit and watch this long scene without cuts. breaking up is the whole entire timelapse without the fun, distracting, edited lapse part.



a big motivation for starting this newsletter was for me to have the open conversations with myself/others that i've always wanted. but immediately, i found myself extremely nervous to talk about my break up - i'm scared of imposing my feelings onto others, i'm scared of someone feeling sorry for me or assuming my experience and not listening to my emotions, i'm scared of sounding like i'm complaining. i'm scared of what others would think from me talking about it.



but tonight, i wanted to write and to stay true to my honest intentions of these emails. i wish break ups were not overlooked or forgotten in day to day conversation, so i'm going to have this conversation even if others choose not to.



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in the simplest way i can communicate my emotions, here's a kind of log on what i'm personally experiencing and learning from the journey:



- break ups are not like a branch breaking. maybe "the" moment of breaking up happened as fast as breaking a leg. but everything revolving around that moment has been taking a long, fuzzy time.



- that long time is a freaking long time. what hurts is the indefinite-ness. there's no timeline, deadline. the residue of confusion and fog lingers like a low hum and i can't really turn it off. i have no control.



- i have no control! i've never felt so vulnerable unto my own emotions. i barely have control over my sadness. i almost cried on the line at sweetgreen before ordering my salad. i dont even know why. i can't "do" anything to make myself feel better. i can only distract myself.



- i have no idea what is the right thing to do. there are no answers. no blog post makes me feel better about what i am doing or have done. even the break up, how do i know it was the right decision? i don't know. i just know it was the decision that we had felt and agreed to. and that's ok. it is what it is.



- nothing is dramatic. it's kind of boring. we didn't have a crazy fight or huge disagreements when we broke up. it was just me nervously walking up and down a stairwell in the middle of work, talking to him on whatsapp. and everything after that has been just as randomly mundane.



- the hardest part is not being able to talk to him, not being able to ask him what he's thinking. when i see him post on instagram, i want to say something, but i stop myself. because i realize no one is actually calling my name.



- the hardest part (2) is feeling out of touch, not in sync. i see him post on instagram about a trip, and i'm like, A - how is he having a great time without me?! i'm kind of doing miserably over here. B - how come i was not informed of this trip? like excuse me?! ... but i remember, it's not about me. he is being him. and i have to be me...



the main question i am asking quietly as the low hum lingers while the leaves change colors, is how do i evolve love that was so part of my everyday present, into the past tense. how do i say i love him i loved him? i don't want to shun him out of my life, burn every selfie i took with him, yet, i don't want to think he is a living part of my everyday as he used to be. i do want to appropriately digest my experiences with him and understand how he was and is a part of me. i want to do him justice in my life story because i cannot deny that he was so important and once so colorful in my life.



i wish my surroundings presented a more open forum for sharing these emotions. i feel like i know so many people who have gone through break ups, but i've never spoken to them about it. one day i see a profile pic of two, and after the break up, it's just one - and that's all i'll ever know, unless we share. between the lines, there's a lot of reading that can be done, a story to be told, that's up to us to write.



it's in these silent hums, i think we can often find ourselves and each other even more deeply...



-erin