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The deafeningly loud music is back, as are the random voice clips -- only now the clips freeze the game every time they play (which is constantly). So while our times on this game are quite a bit longer than on the other LCD games, it's mostly because there was a two-second voice clip playing every, well, two seconds.



"How many sound clips do you want?"

"Just fuck me up."

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Also, the enemies attack you from strange, non-Euclidean angles where it's not clear how to hit them back, as if the game was designed by H.P. Lovecraft's nightmares. On top of that, Dimension X Assault uses four AA batteries, while the Konami games used only two. Straight bullshit.



Pictured: an alternate gameplay method.

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Results:

Raphael: Survived for 02:40

Leonardo: 01:29

Donatello: 01:20

Michelangelo: 00:40

Winner: Raphael

Final Results

Raphael: 6

Leonardo: 5

Michelangelo: 4

Donatello: 3

No. Wait, no. That ... that can't be right. Obviously, our whole approach was wrong. We shouldn't have stopped with the games based on the original cartoon. We should have played every TMNT game ever. All 89 of them (we counted). OK, give us a few minutes.

Five months later ...

Final Final Results

Raphael: 84

Michelangelo: 6

Leonardo: 2

Donatello: -3

ALL HAIL RAPHAEL, THE GREATEST NINJA TURTLE! We knew it all along.

For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog. Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile, and also on Twitter. Shout-out to The Technodrome Forum!

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