Scientology: Come See Our Feejee Mermaid!

Jan 14, 2018

The Church of Scientology wants to show you the remains of a real live mermaid! Come one, come all. Bring all your family. Come see the great catch that has eluded many a fisherman through the ages: The remains of an exotic mermaid, caught in mystical Feejee Islands, far far away in the South Pacific.

The arrival of the mermaid comes at the perfect time for the church, whose numbers have dropped to fewer than 20,000 people, according to a recent Jezebel report. A far cry from the official position of 10 million members. And an even further drop off from the billions that arrived 75 million years ago on Xenu’s spaceship.

The story of the church's acquisition of the mermaid is shrouded in mystery. But The Tilted Glass's award-winning investigative reporters have tracked it back through the possession of one Dr. J. Griffin, which he caught while on a sperm whale boat in South America. Later, while Griffin was checked into a Philadelphia hotel, he privately showed it to the hotel's owner as a thanks for his hospitality. The owner was so intrigued that he begged his friends, many of whom were editors, to see the mermaid. Interest grew until eventually it caught the attention of Tom Cruise while he was filming Tropic Thunder. And the rest is history.

A few people have expressed concern that the mermaid is a hoax and gimmick to make money for the church and recruit new members, further proving what has happened in many European countries where Scientology is no longer recognized as a tax-exemptible church, and is treated more as a business.

But let's leave these crass politics aside: There is a freakin’ Feejee mermaid coming to a town near you! And it’s amazing! Come one, come all! See the 8th wonder of the world! See this legendary aquatic creature with the upper body of a female human and the tail of a fish!

Admission is free along with a free personality test. Further secrets of the mermaid can be obtained for $6,500, but only after you’re paid for enough courses to first reach enough clearance to be able to pay for the secrets of the mermaid course.