CHICAGO, IL — Early Wednesday morning, Chicago native Franklin T. Swan woke up to huge news. He won a lottery drawing at his local VFW and is the proud owner of a brand new 2019 Chevy Silverado! While this is great news to anyone reading, Swan couldn’t be any more upset. Swan, who is a huge Star Wars fan, bought tickets to this weekend’s Star Wars Celebration and entered the lottery to gain entry to the Episode IX panel taking place Friday but did not get the response he was hoping for.

Screen shot of the email Franklin T. Swan received.

“I wanted to be there to see the Episode IX panel live! I’ve waited in line at every Star Wars Celebration since 2015 and have never made it in. This year, Celebration is literally in my backyard, and I was going to be first in line but then they introduced this bantha-poodoo of an idea to have a lottery! So now for the fourth Celebration in a row, I won’t be able to attend the main panel for the next movie.”

Our on-the-scene reporter tried to remind Swan that he did win the lottery for the Galaxy’s Edge and Jedi: Fallen Order panels, as well as winning the drawing for his new pickup truck.

“First off, I couldn’t care less about Galaxy’s Edge. I won’t be able to go for at least five years waiting for the hype to die down and by then I’ll have seen a million and one videos and photos on Facebook. And two, EA sucks so I won’t be buying that video game. Finally, I drive a freaking Prius, so why in the world would I switch to drive a pickup truck which sucks a zillion gallons of gas to just drive down the street to McDonald’s?”

Swan then went on a tirade about how “outrageous” and “unfair” it was although he is still looking forward to convention center food and meeting his favorite actors, writers, and cosplayers.

“I am looking forward to meeting Anthony Daniels though. I can finally ask him what the hell all his tweets meant!”

Are you going to Celebration? Are you happy with the lottery system? Let us know in the comments below. Also if you are going to be there, be on the look out for Storm Duper and the FSW Radio team as they will be live podcasting Friday through Sunday at the convention center. Please be sure to say, “Hello There!” to them.

As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or Google Play for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.

–Link Voximilian