I drove over a bridge from Maryland into Virginia today and on the big "Welcome to Virginia" sign was an image of their state bird, the Northern Cardinal - with a yellow bill. I should have scoffed - another Birds at Large on tap! - but it hardly registered. Everyone knows that state birds are a big damn joke. There are a million Cardinals, a scattering a Robins, and just a general lack of thought being put into the whole thing.



States should have to put more thought into their state bird than I put into picking my socks in the morning. "Ugh, state bird? I dunno, what're the guys next to us doing? Cardinal? OK, let's do that too. Yeah put it on all the signs. Nah no time to research the bill color let's just go." It's the official state bird! Well, since all these jackanape states are too busy passing laws requiring everyone to own guns or whatever to consider what their state bird should be, I guess I'll have to do it.



1. Alabama. Official state bird: Yellowhammer.



Right out of the gate with this thing. Yellowhammer? C'mon. I Asked Jeeves and it told me that Yellowhammer is some backwoods name for a Yellow-shafted Flicker. Sorry, but that's dumb. If you want a woodpecker, go for something with a little more cache, something that's at least a full species.



What it should be: Red-cockaded Woodpecker



2. Alaska. Official state bird: Willow Ptarmigan



Willow Ptarmigans are the dumbest sounding birds on earth, sorry. They sound like rejected Star Wars aliens, angrily standing outside the Mos Eisley cantina because their ID's were rejected. Why go with these dopes, Alaska, when you're the best state to see the most awesome falcon on earth?



What it should be: Gyrfalcon



3. Arizona. Official state bird: Cactus Wren



Cactus Wren is like the only boring bird in the entire state. I can't believe it.



What it should be: Red-faced Warbler



Christ. What makes this even less funny is that there are like 8 other states with Mockingbird as their official bird. I'm convinced that the guy whose job it was to report to the state's legislature on what the official bird should be forgot until the day it was due and he was in line for a breakfast sandwich at Burger King. In a panic he walked outside and selected the first bird he could find, a dirty Mockingbird singing its stupid head off on top of a dumpster.What it should be: Painted Bunting...Or the largest most radical bird on the continent?What it should be: California CondorI'm actually OK with this. A nice choice. But why not go with the only bird that is (or is pretty much) endemic in your state?What it should be: Brown-capped Rosy-finch or Gunnison Sage-grouseLook, this isn't even that hard. American Robin is American, not special to Connecticut at all. Is there perhaps another choice? One that inspires some more local pride?What it should be: Connecticut WarblerYou know what? I'm not so mad about this. Whatever, it seems to have some connection to you, even though "blue chicken" plugged into a thesaurus means "sad wuss."What it should be: Red KnotI am finishing this post the next day because I had to go buy a new computer after I threw my last one out the window when I read that Florida's state bird was the Northern Mockingbird. I cannot think of a lamer choice. What's their state beverage, A Half Glass of Warm Tapwater?What it should be: American FlamingoI've always liked this. Way to go, Georgia.What it should be: Brown ThrasherNo, not this Nene . Not this one either. This one What it should be: Nene (the goose)Deal.What it should be: Mountain BluebirdYou know how parents say that thing, "if everybody can't have it, then NOBODY can have it"? Well, I'm doing that for cardinal. No one gets the cardinal. Screw cardinals.What it should be: Greater Prairie-chickenSee above.What it should be: BobolinkEastern Goldfinch? That's not even a thing.What it should be: DickcissalOK, but I'm only allowing one.What it should be: Western Meadowlark[urge to kill: rising]What it should be: Kentucky WarblerYes. The best fit of all. If I had beads I'd throw them to you, Louisiana. Note: I could go Louisiana Waterthrush here, but no one thinks of Louisiana when they think of Louisiana Waterthrush, so, whatever.What it should be: Brown PelicanAh, my beloved home state. I couldn't imagine it any other bird.What it should be: Black-capped ChickadeeYOU WINWhat it should be: Baltimore OrioleScrew you, Taxachusetts. Maine wins.What it should be: Piping PloverThe most endangered bird in the nation lives ONLY (pretty much) in your state! Don't you want tourists and pride and crap? Uggghhhh.What it should be: Kirtland's WarblerAlright that works.What it should be: Common Loon.Oh for God's sake. There's an awesome bird named after you! NAMED AFTER YOU!What it should be: Mississippi KiteLame, but I don't know what else would be better.What it should be: Eastern BluebirdNo.What it should be: McCown's LongspurNO.What it should be: Sandhill CraneLook, Nevada, you're insane. You should have a bird that also represents what a zany, mixed-up world this is.What it should be: Himalayan SnowcockOK just go with it.What it should be: Purple FinchAre you serious? Another outdated name? Come on, Jersey. You've got a fine birding reputation, and you're better than this.What it should be: Seaside SparrowDeal!What it should be: Greater RoadrunnerLame.What it should be: Cerulean WarblerMore like Bore-thern Cardinal.What it should be: Carolina ChickadeeWas Western Meadowlark the official state bird of the entire Louisiana Purchase and they just kept if after becoming states?What it should be: Chestnut-collared LongspurUuggghhhhhhh the wooorrrsssstttWhat it should be: Indigo BuntingHell yeah! Nailed it!What it should be: Scissor-tailed FlycatcherSTOP IT WITH THE MEADOWLARKS. I'm resisting the temptation for Oregon Junco here, in favor of something that would never happen.What it should be: Northern Spotted Owl.I like it.What it should be: Ruffed GrouseHahaha Rhode Island you so crazyWhat it should be: Bee Hummingbird haha j/k! Rhode Island Red ChickenOkay. Thank you.What it should be: Carolina WrenAn exotic. You're kidding me. Is your state meal General Tso's chicken? Is your state hat the sombrero? Is your state anthem the DAMN CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?What it should be: Sharp-tailed GrouseWhat is it with Mockingbirds? I DO NOT understand. They are garbage birds that eat dumpster trash! Is that what you want to identify with, Tennessee?What it should be: Tennessee WarblerSometimes - after a nice full day, perhaps spent in the company of loved ones - one can forget that the world is a cold, uncaring place full of death and sadness. Thanks, Texas, the birdiest state in the entire country, for reminding me that this civilization we've built and work our fingers to the bone trying to perfect is as meaningless as a sand castle in the tide.What it should be: any other fucking bird in the country other than Northern Mockingbird. Roseate Spoonbill? Golden-cheeked Warbler? Swainson's Hawk? Aplomado Falcon? Anything.You named your official state bird after a bird named for a DIFFERENT state? That is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard.What it should be: Burrowing OwlFine. Thank you for restoring sanity, Vermont.What it should be. Hermit ThrushJust when I think I'm out they suck me right back in. Shut up, Virginia.What it should be: Barred OwlWhat is going onnnnnnnn???? Nobody can get the damn goldfinch right!What it should be: Glaucous-winged GullWest Virginia I am so mad at your right now I could explode.What it should be: Swainson's WarblerI'm too tired to be mad.What it should be: Golden-winged WarblerI hate you.What it should be: Greater Sage-grouseFinal Thoughts: This has been the most depressing post I have ever put together. Three robins but no Blue Jay? Seven cardinals but no owls or hawks? Five goddamn mockingbirds? This is what we pay taxes for, folks.