WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saddened and more than a little wistful, Senate Republicans acknowledged on Tuesday that their long-standing dream of keeping poor people from living longer was at its end.

Choking back tears, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that his crusade to halt the longevity of the poor had turned out to be a quixotic one at best.

“We made a solemn promise to the American people that we would do everything in our power to keep the poor from living so darn long,” he said, his voice quavering. “We didn’t get it done.”

While saying that he did not want to “play the blame game,” Graham could not resist pointing fingers at senators who broke ranks with the G.O.P. leadership over its quest to stall the poor’s unacceptably surging life expectancy.

“I always thought that preventing the poor from living longer was a bedrock Republican principle,” he said bitterly. “I guess I was wrong.”

On the House side, Speaker Paul Ryan urged Graham not to wallow in defeat but to move on to other Republican agenda items, like tax reform. “We may not be able to keep the poor from living longer, but we can still make them poorer,” he said.