August 17, 2008

Dear Jeffrey,

We appreciate your interest in the Animation Program; however, we regret to inform you that you have not been accepted. We have limited spaces within the program and wish to fill them with people who have real skill. We’re sorry to be the ones to bring this absolute lack of talent to your attention, but know that your family and friends are weak and too afraid to bruise your frail ego and tell you what they really think. This is entirely your own fault. They may have seen your work and expressed approval. But you should have noticed the slight pause as they assessed whether it was not more beneficial to tell you the truth before they answered. And why were you too dim to see the way they refused to peer at your work for more than a few seconds? Had it been as beautiful as they said, they would have stared at it for long, long hours, pondering the theme and lauding over its sensitivity, the way they would with real art. Instead, their eyes darted to other objects in the room, the light fixture, the table… the door (how they must have yearned for an escape). You should have seen this coming.

We wish wholeheartedly that you could have been there as we reviewed your portfolio and (literally) tore it to pieces. We wish you could have seen us as we laughed, mocking your crude linework, and concept of space and form. As we pretended to draw like you would, our brows furrowed, hands pawing the pencil like a cripple, scribbling stick-men and pausing to make grunting noises until we toppled from our chairs in painful, spasmodic laughter.

If you still wish to have a career in the Animation industry, may we suggest the janitorial services path? Cleaning offices and mopping floors may be your only entry into this sphere.

Normally, we say “better luck next time”, but may we suggest that there not be a next time? Instead, focus on your ability to polish door knobs, and make toilets shine with the reflections of the animators as they use them.

Regards, and thanks for the laughs,

The Animation Program Portfolio Review Committee

P.S. Do not come pick up your portfolio. It has been burned.