TORONTO, CANADA – Journalists from all corners of the earth were caught by surprise today when Canada announced Justin Trudeau the winner of an election that no one was aware was happening in the first place. Political editors rushed to board flights to Toronto to catch up with events only to curse loudly on arrival when they learned the capital of Canada was in fact Ottawa, 450km of frozen, lumberjack infested wilderness away.

As a result most news agencies missed the moment Trudeau triumphantly entered the capitol cabin, riding on the back of a pure white moose and signalling to his supporters to start opening some bottles of vintage maple syrup amid a fanfare of ceremonial chainsaws. Trudeau was then invested with the symbolic artefacts of his office, a golden hockey stick symbolising his mastery over the ice, the ancient, narwhal-ivory puck of justice which his forebears have struck past the formidable goalies of history for the glory of Canada. The ceremony concluded in most solemn fashion with the crowning of the new Prime Minister with the Bacon Coronet, created by Canada’s master meatsmiths many centuries ago and the last surviving artefact from the glorious rule of the countries first Prime Minister, Wriothesley le Boulange, who discovered the vast syrup reserves of Ontario. After the pomp and ceremony Trudeau gave an impassioned speech to his supporters.

“My fellow Canadians, now is a time for great feasting and rejoicing. Break open your stores, for tonight we gorge on humpback blubber and cranberry wine! As your anointed leader I promise to make your lives better as sure as the loon serenades the setting sun over the misty lakes. I will not rest until every child in the country has ice skates, until every family has a supply of good flints and kindling and we solve the eternal mystery of where the caribou go in the months where the day-star burns away the cool white blanket of winter.”

A deeply conservative and isolated country for many years, the apparent liberal policies of their new leader perhaps signal a new dawn for Canada, not just domestically but on the international stage as well. Trudeau spoke at length about perhaps his most controversial election pledge, the promise of a truce with the Canadians’ old enemies, The Bears.

“Starting next week I will seek to meet with the Ursine leadership as soon as they emerge from hibernation. I dream of a Canada where our children and their cubs can play together in harmony, not be bitter foes in an increasingly bloody struggle over meaningless campsites on a map and improperly secured bins. We are all children of the same Gods and with greater trust and understanding between our two great cultures those who were divided by hatred, may be united by friendship. Peace in our time!” When the thunderous applause had died down Trudeau went on to add “Don’t worry about the seals though, we are still gonna club those furry little abominations to death every year in their hundreds of thousands!”

Trudeau left the parliament log cabin to a prolonged ovation and it is believed he will set out immediately to complete the traditional ordeals of the incoming Prime Minister to prove his might. Firstly he will travel to one of the great rivers of the West where he will strip to the waist and attempt to catch a jumping salmon in his jaws. From there he will take the state husky sled north to search for the silver walrus of legend and bring back a hair from its moustache which will bring great fortune for the harvest.

Leaders of other nations are reacting to the news with little interest and even some amusement at the strange customs of the Canadians. This, however, is likely to be a mask to conceal their jealously of a country where decency, civility and hope are still part of the political system.