1. She has worn me down over the years

My brother and I found her under a car in Downtown, Los Angeles. She played hard to get at first, meowing loudly but not moving at all. When we were ready to give up on her, she followed us into my brother's apartment. I spent the next few hours picking dirt out of her eyes and feeding her with a baby bottle. Since then, I have nurtured her to sexual maturity and now she won't leave me alone. She has discovered a way to open my bedroom door even when it's closed. She sleeps in my bed every night even though I kick her in my sleep. In the morning she paws at my face until I wake up and feed her. She wants it. She wants it bad.

2. She doesn't shave

I don't shave either.

3. She has bad vision

Sex is better when I know the other person or cat can only see a blurry outline of my naked body.

4. She is much smaller than me

I used to put her entire head in my mouth when she was a baby. Now she's a grown woman.

5. She is submissive

She still lets me put her head in my mouth.

6. She can't tell anyone

Convenient...

7. She has a huge ass

8. She eats garbage

What the fuck.

9. She can't kill anything no matter how hard she tries

I like my sexual partners to be tiny and confused.

10. She is needy and passive at the same time

Me too.

11. She doesn't have a dick

Penises are a nightmare.

12. Crack cocaine has never been an issue between us

See: previous relationship

13. She doesn't call me a militant lesbian

My ex-boyfriend asked me if I'm a militant lesbian immediately after having sex with me for the first time.

14. Her tongue feels like sandpaper

I want her to ruin my vagina.

15. My mom likes her

She is a better judge of character than I am.

16. My dad has never met her

He wouldn't approve.

17. She will literally die without me

We are both constantly on the verge of starving to death.

18. She can't get pregnant

I asked the vet if he would surgically remove my genitals too.

19. She never wears clothes

Sexy.

20. There seems to be no end to the amount of nipples she has

The healthiest relationship I ever had was with a guy who had three nipples. So like, the more nipples the better… ?