I regularly wonder how people’s behaviour and attitudes towards me would change if they knew (Picture: Sharon Kilgannon)

A regular compliment I get, often said with sincere astonishment, is that I don’t ‘look transgender’.

My response is usually that of course I look transgender, because I am. This is what a transgender person looks like.

People just smile and laugh it off and say ‘you know what I mean’. What they mean is that I fit neatly into their ideas of what a typical woman looks like.

It’s a compliment that is said at the expense of other transgender people who don’t look like me.


While these comments are usually made in good faith, they are very revealing of someone’s idea of what transgender people look like and which trans people deserve to be recognised.



There is a misconception that all transgender people are somehow visibly trans, or that all transgender people look the same. Those that break that stereotype are somehow seen as more authentic, more successful and more beautiful.

Throughout my transition there have been notable physical changes – including to my skin, my hair, the way fat now distributes itself around my body, my muscle mass greatly decreasing – and I also dress differently. All of this has contributed to me being able to pass through society largely unnoticed.

While most people wouldn’t know I am transgender simply by looking at me nowadays, I acutely remember how I was seen before. Words like ‘f****t’, ‘she-male’ and ‘freak’ were regularly thrown at me when going about my daily life.

I used to get constant questions about whether I was a ‘boy or girl’ or why my voice was so strange. I have had to fight for my right to travel and have spent time proving to bank staff that I am indeed the holder of my account.

To feel that disrespected and abused simply for being yourself is a feeling I cannot describe.

Being a person who is constantly seen as transgender isn’t only exhausting, it can also be dangerous.

I would have verbal abuse hurled at me on the street and even physical altercations. When I first came out I was living in a very small town – where news travels fast. In one night everyone suddenly knew who I was.

Shortly after I started transitioning I went to a bar that I had been to many times before and I saw how people’s reaction to me had drastically changed. People were talking loudly about me while I was present and someone even poured their beer over me out of disgust.

As I exited the bar, I was verbally assaulted. Had I not been with a close friend, I think the situation might have escalated into something way more serious.

To feel that disrespected and abused simply for being yourself is a feeling I cannot describe. I’m just grateful it wasn’t worse.

Due to instances like this, I have feared for my own safety simply because I might be perceived as transgender and avoided certain streets, places and situations. I never went to that bar again, for example.

But now that people don’t know I am transgender without me telling them, I regularly wonder how people’s behaviour and attitudes towards me would change if they knew.



I recently went on a trip to Thailand, where I shared a small boat with complete strangers for several days without anyone ever knowing that they just spent those days with a trans person.

I regularly use public bathrooms, locker rooms or services without anyone knowing I am transgender at all. Because in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

What became very clear to me early on is that people who look like me – who are white and conventionally attractive – are given much more recognition and more likely believed and respected than other trans people.

I genuinely don’t think people understand how many times they’ve probably passed a trans person on the street, shared a public bathroom with them, been at the pool with them or even shared small intimate spaces with trans people without knowing.

Someone you’ve known for years could even be transgender, or someone you’ve seen on TV or online. A recent example of this is makeup artist NikkiTutorials, who recently came out in an emotional video after someone blackmailed her to reveal she was trans.

It goes to show that there isn’t one way to ‘look trans’ and that transgender people are a part of society at large, whether or not you always know it.

What became very clear to me early on is that people who look like me – who are white and conventionally attractive – are given much more recognition and more likely believed and respected than other trans people.

Trans people who are gender non-conforming, trans people of colour and other transgender people that don’t fit in the most common narrative we see in the media face much more abuse and harassment in their daily lives.


Simply leaving the house becomes an ordeal, let alone using the bathroom, seeking health care or even eating in public. Just existing becomes a political act.

No one transitions on a whim or decides that they are going to completely alter their life without giving it serious thought. Coming out as a trans person is an incredibly difficult thing to do, let alone when people constantly question who you are.

So just because I or someone else doesn’t ‘look transgender’, it doesn’t mean that we are any more worthy of your respect.

All transgender people, regardless of how you perceive them, deserve to pass through society without facing harassment and even violence for simply being themselves.

Regardless of what you might think of what someone looks like, they never deserve to be treated poorly.

So next time you see a person who you think ‘looks transgender’ and have a negative thought about them, have a think about how many people you’ve already passed today that are transgender.

Because I can guarantee you that they are more than you think, and that visible trans person you just saw is just as worthy of your respect and compassion as everyone else.

MORE: NikkieTutorials recalls terrifying moment she was blackmailed to come out as transgender

MORE: Travelling as a transgender person can be a gruelling and humiliating ordeal

MORE: Just like YouTube’s NikkieTutorials, I was outed as transgender before I was ready

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