WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

In what comes as a relief for the nation’s banking industry, it can be confirmed today that none of them need be sweating bullets.

Following yet another set of revelations about a major bank breaking the law, the Australian legal system has quickly moved to assure the banking industry that none of those who have broken the law should even be concerned about having to do community service, let alone having to serve time behind bars like ‘common criminals’ who don’t work in Martin Place.

This follows AUSTRAC alleging that Westpac breached the Anti-Money Laundering and Counter-Terrorism Financing (AML-CTF) Act on more than 23 million occasions, and the Commonwealth Bank acknowledging 53,000 breaches of anti-money laundering and counter-terrorism financing laws that resulted in millions of dollars flowing through to drug importers.

Those systematic and serious infringements of the law follow Criminal Cartel charges being levelled against ANZ, CitiGroup and Deutsche Bank Executives and recommendations of criminal charges being levelled against AMP last year.

“Don’t worry,” a spokesperson for the Australian legal system assured a meeting of banking executives today.

“Jail isn’t for people like you, it’s for criminals, poor people who can’t afford decent legal representation and homeless and mentally ill people who don’t receive any of the services they need,” explained the spokesperson who is a senior partner at one of the city’s major law firms and parades around like a walking moral compass despite the fact he has committed numerous instances of sexual harassment at work functions and Christmas parties over the years.

“It’s a bit of huff and puff that we have to do to make it look like people who are breaking the law face repercussions for the fact that they broke the law.”

“As we like to say in the industry if you do the crime, but you can pay a high flying lawyer who is mates with the judge to get you off, you’re fine!”

“Besides the police don’t have time to be investigating complicated financial crimes, they are out there busy arresting homeless people with substance abuse issues and strip-searching juveniles.”

The chat then transitioned to the new Wallabies coach and eventually, the meeting broke up for a long lunch.