Sorry, single people, this week's column is for lovers only. Now that those lonely people are gone, hold that lover close and enjoy 50 highlights from three romantic books that offer tips for every day of the year: 365 Ways to KISS Your Love, 365 Great Ways to Say I Love You, and 365 Ways to be Romantic by everyone's favorite human dispenser of castration chemicals-- Godek. Warning: romance books are not good. Your reproductive systems are about to crawl out and run straight away from this page.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Gregory J.P. Godek is the author of 1,001 Ways to be Romantic and 1,001 More Ways to be Romantic. If you're a longtime Cracked reader, you know that most of his tips involve a pun or a pizza, and the rest are Top 40 love songs he remembers. He's made a career out of being stupid and lazy, and if you still aren't on board with him being the biggest piece of shit in the world, the only book he's ever written that wasn't a list of corny, vagina-drying romance tips was a shameless attempt to make money off 9/11 with a completely random list of "American" things. Godek is what abortion doctors picture to make their jobs easier.