Which state’s official drink is water? Official dance is the Hokey Pokey? Musical instrument is the accordion?

Yesterday, I found myself reading an article about some controversy over Oklahoma naming Do You Realize? by the Flaming Lips as their official state rock song. And I quickly found myself thinking… wow, that’s weird that the state took time to name an official rock song.

After a few hours down the rabbit hole of official state items I can now safely say: I was wrong. States have much, much dumber official items than that. And I found 11 of the weakest official state insignias, items, symbols, etc. Enjoy…

1 | Weakest state drink: Indiana with…

Water. This just beat out Nebraska, which has the state drink of Kool Aid. At least that’s adding 5 cents worth of flavoring to water! Is there anything that says: “Our state is bland” like making water your official drink?

2 | Weakest state fruit AND vegetable: Arkansas with…

Tomato, for both. Apparently, Arkansas loves tomatoes. South Arkansas vine ripe pink tomatoes to be exact. But they had a problem: The eternal (and played out) “Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?” debate.

So Arkansas took the coward’s way out, and just made the tomato both the official fruit and vegetable. Note to self: Arkansas is cowardly.

3 | Weakest state blue berry: North Carolina with the…

Blueberry. This one made me laugh out loud. North Carolina took the time to name an official state blue berry and chose… the blueberry. Must’ve been a tough competition.

4 | Weakest state dance: Massachusetts with the…

Hokey Pokey. Was the Electric Slide too complicated? The Chicken Dance too classy? The Limbo too ethnic?

5 | Weakest state official tug-o-war championship: Kentucky with the…

Fordsville Tug-O-War Championship. I honestly don’t know the prestige and skill present at this tug-o-war championship. But if it wasn’t the state’s official tug-o-war championship, do you think the quality of the competition would really change?

6 | Weakest state fossil: Minnesota with the…

Giant Beaver. Heh heh heh.

7 | Weakest state marine mammal: Connecticut with the…

Sperm Whale. Oh stop it, you’re killing me!

8 | Weakest state cooking implement: Texas and Utah with the…

Dutch Oven. Three in a row! Hilarious! He’s on fire! Yes! Fart under those cov– wait… this is actually a real thing?

9 | Weakest state sport: Maryland with…

Jousting. Not fencing, mind you. Jousting. I did watch The Wire which was set in Baltimore… and honestly, it’s been a while, but I don’t remember the characters settling their disputes through jousts. I mean… I have no idea how those drug lords would get access to so many horses and/or lances.

10 | Weakest state musical instrument: Louisiana with the…

Accordion. Come on, Louisiana. If any state can claim jazz, it’s you. (Not even Utah.) And you went with the accordion? How about, oh, I don’t know… the sax? The trumpet? The upright bass? Even the washboard would’ve been a sexier choice.

Pennsylvania is the home of polka (they even designated it their official state dance). And even they had the sense not to name the accordion their official state instrument (instead opting for “none”).

11 | Weakest state fish: Delaware with the…

Weakfish. Of everything on this list, I’d have to say this was the biggest no-brainer.

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