Name: Gucci.

Age: 98.

Appearance: Expensive, avant garde, filthy.

Filthy as in: “This Gucci product is filthy, it’s sick, it’s outrageously cool”? Not quite. Filthy as in: “This Gucci product has filth on it.”

In that case, I guess you’d better take it to the dry cleaner’s. No! That would ruin it.

Whenever we talk about fashion I get confused. Look, there is a simple explanation. Gucci has launched a range of filthy trainers. There is the Screener GG sneaker, “inspired by vintage sportswear”. There is the Rhyton, which “pairs best with baggy denim jeans and T-shirts for a completely retro silhouette”. There is the Virtus and the Rhyton Lips, also both filthy.

I suppose it makes sense to sell damaged stock at a discount. It would, but these shoes are filthy on purpose.

What? Why? Someone at Gucci decided that dirty trainers look cool. They can be distractingly bright when they’re brand new, I suppose. So this range of shoes has what is known as a “dirty look”, which means they have been “treated for an all-over distressed effect”.

And they’re not being sold cheaply? Not unless you consider £615 cheap for a pair of shoes.

I don’t consider £615 cheap for 10 pairs of shoes! Well, there we are, then.

OK, you were right. It is simple. It is also ridiculous. It’s fashion. The whole point is to be edgy. If you want to be cool, you have to dare to walk the fine line between looking sensible and looking offensive or ridiculous.

I’ve stuffed some underpants up my nose. How do I look? Too far on the other side of the line.

Shall I try being offensive instead? Please don’t. Gucci itself was blundering into that just last week.

How? It released a black jumper with a huge polo neck that rolls up all the way over your nose, with big red lips printed on the opening around the mouth. Instant half-blackface, basically.

Crumbs. After the uproar, Gucci removed the jumper from sale, and the creative director, Alessandro Michele, explained that he was trying to pay tribute to the 1990s club legend Leigh Bowery, who often used face coverings and giant red lips.

I bet everybody got that reference right away. Yeah. I’m not sure they did. But at least these shoes don’t actually insult anybody.

Do say: “Gorgeous. But where can I possibly find a pair of filthy socks to go with them?”

Don’t say: “What happens if I wear them out in the rain? Is there a risk they might get clean?”