By David Futrelle

So I have discovered — a little belatedly — what may be the worst-written sentence in the English language. Or at least the worst sentence ever written by someone who thought he was writing the best sentence.

It comes from a blog called One Angry Gamer, near the end of a post from 2017 hailing the opening of the game industry conference E3 to the public as a giant victory for true gamers like himself, and a crushing blow to SJW game journalists.

If that all sounds very 2014, it’s because Mr. One Angry Gamer is an unapologetic GamerGater who hasn’t stopped GamerGating even though the movement he was once such an enthusiastic participant in has largely been subsumed into the broader far-right resurgence.

In his post, OAG celebrated E4’s policy change as if it were a world-historic victory for civil rights.

The news recently went out that the ESA will open up E3 2017 to everybody. All gamers from all walks of life and all backgrounds, from all over the world, each one coming in different shapes and sizes, will be able to attend the event.

We haven’t gotten to the worst sentence yet. But I do like OAG’s inadvertent assertion that every gamer is simultaneously small, medium and large.

Typically, some SJWs were not pleased that real gamers would be able to finally bypass the uninformed, fascists [sic] gatekeepers known as game journalists, and see and experience the games and technology for themselves.

His evidence that SJW “fascists” were furious over this development? He found a few alleged SJWs making jokes about it.

But OAG was just getting warmed up. He went on to declare that these evil SJWs

were hoping that this would be a short-lived exercise in pro-consumerism, hoping desperately that the legs of opportunity would close shut tight on gamers in years to come.

The, er, legs of opportunity? That might close? So gamer dudes are basically fucking opportunity, and this makes SJWs mad?

It’s pretty clear that Mr. One Angry Gamer is not so much angry as horny.

Like, really horny. The weird sexual metaphors quickly got even weirder — and rape-ier.

Other SJWs found [the opening of E3 to the public] to be a mistake, a blasphemous call for the hydra of consumerism to emerge from the far corners of the interwebs; a stake to the heart of game journalism’s oligarchy; a raping of the gated clique that once controlled the foyer of information that lactated from the bulbous PR udders dangling from the publishers’ visceral bloat that drips begrudgingly through the sphincter of the media and out through the curdled lips of their blogs.

Excuse me?

I’m having a bit of trouble trying to visualize the assorted mixed metaphors in that sentence. Could someone draw me a picture?

By the way, despite all the incoherent, sexualized body horror of that last sentence, we still haven’t gotten to the worst one.

One Horny Gamer continued on with the body horror theme:

Others tried defending the old guard, pretending as if the cavernous opening in the rectum major gaming sites’ advertising opportunities makes them reliable, trustworthy, independent journalists with the interests of gamers in mind.

There seems to be a word missing there, or maybe a dozen, but somehow I don’t think even the most careful proofreading could have rescued that sentence.

After several more paragraphs attacking SJW game journalists, and one defending the glory that was #GamerGate, One Horny Gamer delivered up the masterpiece of bad writing that I’ve been warning you about this whole time.

Take a deep breath.

Here it is:

Gamers’ milky victory secreted onto the tongue of SJWs’ pride, languishing there like a badge of honor that can’t be rinsed away; all while the pole of ethics lodged its way down the orifice of corruption, filling the gaping hole with improved policies and updated disclosures, changing the landscape of media journalism forever.

Wow.

I would try to break that sentence down, but frankly my brain froze up after I tried to imagine someone trying and failing to rinse away a badge made of semen that was stuck to their tongue.

Maybe gamers really were a mistake.

I’m going to go lie down for awhile.

H/T — Thanks to Twitter’s @CranBoonitz for highlighting OAG’s amazing post.

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