CARBONDALE, IL—Stating their dumbass intentions to get a running start and scream “cowabunga,” the nation’s idiots announced plans Monday to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs. “We dunces stand on our roof gutters today, fully prepared to jump 20 feet to the ground and straight into a mountain of powder that we assume will break our fall, but almost certainly will cause our bones to crack,” said 29-year-old dipshit Lyle Bennett, one of thousands of morons nationwide who will snap their limbs in motherfucking half after trying out a backflip, slipping on a roof tile, or doing a pencil dive and holding their nose as if going into a pool. “We will, of course, ask our idiot friend if he’s filming yet before we plunge down and shatter our arms, legs, and necks in one fell swoop. Consequently, you should expect us to repeatedly show our broken bones to the camera, flailing them around and freaking everyone the fuck out.” The nation’s buddies added that they promise to put the whole thing on YouTube, including the part where they simultaneously yell out “Are you okay, dude?”

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