Being friends with Asa Akira is just like being friends with any other normal person. She may be a porn star, in fact the biggest porn star right now but she puts on her stripper socks one foot at a time, drives a hybrid vehicle and owns a dog. So sometimes, when Asa decides to stop fucking people for a living and travel the world for a vacation, the number 1 whore transporter (me) is also the number 1 dog sitter (again, me). Which sounds less glamorous especially when a big part of my job is picking up the dog’s warm moist smelly crap off the sidewalk. But walking Asa’s dog is fun, I get to think about a lot of stuff between him peeing and pooping.

. The dog is a puggle, half pug half beagle. Which is actually ridiculous. Why would you breed a pug and a beagle, its like when super model Christie Brinkley had a kid with Billy Joel. Sure he’s a talented musician but their kids got enough of the Piano Man’s dna to look more like him than her.

. His name is Homie which seems pretty antiquated and about as exciting a name as Jughead or Winfield. Consequently, I just call him Puggle because its less embarrassing for both of us and he seems to respond just as well. To be fair, when Asa calls out his name, its sounds pretty majestic.

. Puggle is seven years old (that’s about 49 in real people’s age) but acts like a puppy. Dumb dog follows me around and cries when I go to the restroom. I’m literally 3 feet away with a door between us and he’s wimpering like I ran off with the neighbor’s barely legal daughter. My cat at least has the smarts to bump her head on the door to let herself in. Now I bring Puggle in with me when I poop a poo. I’m pretty sure there is deep regret in his eyes now.

. I take him out once in the morning and once at night as per Asa’s instruction and his normal routine. Apparently, he hasn’t figured that out yet and sometimes just pisses a pool of urine.on my kitchen floor. My cat, who does not get along with him just looks at me and snickers.

. He also has not figured out that the trash is trash and always spilling the damn thing over so I come home and have to yell at him. He knows what he’s done because he’ll go to the corner and sit there with his big sad eyes. Actually I guess its me who hasn’t learned because maybe I should just take out the garbage when I leave.

. When I go to bed, Puggle instinctively comes under the cover with me. Nothing happens of course but I feel weird about it. Should I? I don’t want Michael Jackson syndrome where he thought it was ok for a grown man to sleep with 11 year old boys and even if he supposedly didn’t do anything, its just inappropriate. How about a dude and his dog. Or a dude and porn actresses dog. Is it ok? Is it?

Two more weeks until Asa gets back from vacation so two more weeks of dog sitting. If you can’t have a porn star, I guess her dog is the next best thing. Its not a bad gig.