Among the many disappointments of this pandemic spring has been the disappearance of the NCAA national championship. For the first March in decades, America is suffering an acute bracket shortage. While our college basketball players sit at home, our nation’s gamblers, bracketologists, and procrastinators have little to occupy their minds. “March Madness” now describes our collective emotional state, rather than a glorious national distraction.

Slate to the rescue! Welcome to the National Championship of Social Distancing. Over the next few days, 64 competitors will battle it out to see which of our new quarantine-based preoccupations will reign supreme. What’s the best work-at-home activity, not changing out of your pajamas all day or getting interrupted by your pet during a video call? How are we panicking these days—by stress-eating or hoarding toilet paper? In our Family Regional, can anything defeat No. 1 seed unlimited screen time?

Visit @Slate on Twitter to vote on each matchup. We’ll update results all week, with our Final Four scheduled for Friday afternoon. Play along! Compete with your friends! Do not engage in high-fives!

Round 1

Family Regional

No. 1 Unlimited screen time

vs.

No. 16 Attempting to teach seventh-grade math

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1:



#1 UNLIMITED SCREEN TIME

vs.

#16 ATTEMPTING TO TEACH SEVENTH-GRADE MATH — Slate (@Slate) March 18, 2020

No. 8 Family cooking lessons

vs.

No. 9 Family dance party

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1

#8 FAMILY COOKING LESSONS

vs.

#9 FAMILY DANCE PARTY — Slate (@Slate) March 18, 2020

No. 5 Disney+

vs.

No. 12 Discovering your favorite childhood movies are not appropriate

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1

#5 DISNEY PLUS

vs.

#12 DISCOVERING YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MOVIES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 4 FaceTime with parents

vs.

No. 13 Arguing with uncles on Facebook

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1

#4 FACETIME WITH PARENTS

vs.

#13 ARGUING WITH UNCLES ON FACEBOOK — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 6 Board games

vs.

No. 11 Adopting a pet

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1:



#6 BOARD GAMES

vs.

#11 ADOPTING A PET — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 3 Six-foot-distance play dates

vs.

No. 14 Quasi-educational apps

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1:



#3 SIX-FOOT-DISTANCE PLAYDATES

vs.

#14 QUASI-EDUCATIONAL APPS — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 7 Online learning

vs.

No. 10 Emailing tech support about online learning

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1:



#7 ONLINE LEARNING

vs.

#10 EMAILING TECH SUPPORT ABOUT ONLINE LEARNING — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 2 Yelling

vs.

No. 15 Apologizing

Result:

Family Regional, Round 1

#2 YELLING

vs.

#15 APOLOGIZING — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

Work Regional

No. 1 Making a video call

vs.

No. 16 Making a stupid bracket for your co-workers’ enjoyment

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1:



#1 MAKING A VIDEO CALL

vs.

#16 MAKING A STUPID BRACKET FOR YOUR COWORKERS’ ENJOYMENT — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 8 Adding goofy background to video call

vs.

No. 9 Hurriedly doing makeup/hair before video call

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1

#8 ADDING GOOFY BACKGROUND TO VIDEO CALL

vs.

#9 HURRIEDLY DOING HAIR/MAKEUP BEFORE VIDEO ALL — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day

vs.

No. 12 Talking to your boss while wearing a face filter

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1:



#5 NOT CHANGING OUT OF PAJAMAS ALL DAY

vs.

#12 TALKING TO YOUR BOSS WHILE WEARING A FACE FILTER — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 4 Spending an entire conference call doing the dishes

vs.

No. 13 Arguing with partner/roommate about workspace

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1:



#4 SPENDING AN ENTIRE CONFERENCE CALL DOING THE DISHES

vs.

#13 ARGUING WITH PARTNER/ROOMMATE ABOUT WORKSPACE — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 6 Spending an entire conference call on the toilet

vs.

No. 11 Putting off a project “until this is all over”

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1:



#6 SPENDING AN ENTIRE CONFERENCE CALL ON THE TOILET

vs.

#11 PUTTING OFF A PROJECT "UNTIL THIS IS ALL OVER" — Slate (@Slate) March 18, 2020

No. 3 Cooking an elaborate lunch

vs.

No. 14 Starting emails “Hope you’re well!”

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1:



#3 COOKING AN ELABORATE LUNCH

vs.

#14 STARTING EMAILS “HOPE YOU’RE WELL!” — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 7 Getting interrupted by pet/child during video call

vs.

No. 10 Two partners, two video calls, one office

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1

#7 GETTING INTERRUPTED BY A PET/CHILD DURING VIDEO CALL

vs.

#10 TWO PARTNERS, TWO VIDEO CALLS, ONE OFFICE — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated

vs.

No. 15 Starting a podcast

Result:

Work Regional, Round 1

#2 CANCELING A STANDING MEETING YOU’VE ALWAYS HATED

vs.

#15 STARTING A PODCAST — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

Leisure Regional

No. 1 Scrolling through Instagram

vs.

No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1



#1 SCROLLING THROUGH INSTAGRAM

vs.

#16 SCROLLING THROUGH TWITTER — Slate (@Slate) March 18, 2020

No. 8 Sex (partner)

vs.

No. 9 Sex (self)

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1:



#8 SEX (PARTNER)



#9 SEX (SELF) — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 5 Video games

vs.

No. 12 Marijuana

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1

#5 VIDEO GAMES

vs.

#12 MARIJUANA — Slate (@Slate) March 18, 2020

No. 4 Taking a long bath

vs.

No. 13 Trying to read a book

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1

#4 TAKING A LONG BATH

vs.

#13 TRYING TO READ A BOOK — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 6 Riding a bike

vs.

No. 11 Long telephone calls

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1

#6 RIDING A BIKE

vs.

#11 LONG TELEPHONE CALLS — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 3 Taking a walk

vs.

No. 14 Making funny quarantine TikToks

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1:



#3 TAKING A WALK

vs.

#14 MAKING FUNNY QUARANTINE TIKTOKS — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 7 Getting reacquainted with nature

vs.

No. 10 Listening to podcasts

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1:



#7 GETTING REACQUAINTED WITH NATURE🌲

vs.

#10 LISTENING TO PODCASTS🎧 — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 2 Netflix

vs.

No. 15 Starting your novel again

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 1:



#2 NETFLIX

vs.

#15 STARTING YOUR NOVEL AGAIN — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

Panicking Regional

No. 1 Stress-eating

vs.

No. 16 Checking your 401(k)

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1:



#1 STRESS-EATING

vs.

#16 CHECKING YOUR 401(K) — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 8 Pacing

vs.

No. 9 Drinking

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1:



#8 PACING🚶

vs.

#9 DRINKING 🍺 — Slate (@Slate) March 18, 2020

No. 5 Pleading with parents to stop going to the gym

vs.

No. 12 Taking your own temperature

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1

#5 PLEADING WITH PARENTS TO STOP GOING TO THE GYM

vs.

#12 TAKING YOUR OWN TEMPERATURE — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 4 Hoarding toilet paper

vs.

No. 13 Ordering beans on the internet

Panicking Regional, Round 1

#4 HOARDING TOILET PAPER

vs.

#13 ORDERING BEANS ON THE INTERNET — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

Result:

No. 6 Bootlegging hand sanitizer

vs.

No. 11 Scolding people who are out having fun

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1

#6 BOOTLEGGING HAND SANITIZER

vs.

#11 SCOLDING PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT HAVING FUN — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 3 Refusing to get out of bed

vs.

No. 14 Spying on neighbors like in Rear Window

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1

#3 REFUSING TO GET OUT OF BED

vs.

#14 SPYING ON NEIGHBORS LIKE IN “REAR WINDOW” — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 7 Washing your hands again, just to be safe

vs.

No. 10 Yelling at the president

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1:



#7 WASHING YOUR HANDS AGAIN, JUST TO BE SAFE

vs.

#10 YELLING AT THE PRESIDENT — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 2 Sharing dire warnings on Facebook

vs.

No. 15 Reacting calmly and appropriately to the situation

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 1:



#2 SHARING DIRE WARNINGS ON FACEBOOK🤯

vs.

#15 REACTING CALMLY AND APPROPRIATELY TO THE SITUATION🙂 — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

Round 2

Family Regional

No. 1 Unlimited screen time

vs.

No. 8 Family cooking lessons

Result:

Family Regional, Round 2:



#1 UNLIMITED SCREEN TIME

vs.

#8 FAMILY COOKING LESSONS — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 12 Discovering your favorite childhood movies are not appropriate

vs.

No. 4 FaceTime with parents

Result:

Family Regional, Round 2:



#12 DISCOVERING YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MOVIES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE 😱😱

vs.

#4 FACETIME WITH PARENTS — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 6 Board games

vs.

No. 14 Quasi-educational apps

Result:

Family Regional, Round 2:



#6 BOARD GAMES

vs.

#14 QUASI-EDUCATIONAL APPS — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 7 Online learning

vs.

No. 2 Yelling

Result:

Family Regional, Round 2:



#7 ONLINE LEARNING

vs.

#2 YELLING — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Work Regional

No. 16 Making a stupid bracket for your co-workers’ enjoyment

vs.

No. 9 Hurriedly doing makeup/hair before video call

Result:

Work Regional, Round 2:



#16 MAKING A STUPID BRACKET FOR YOUR CO-WORKERS’ ENJOYMENT

vs.

#9 HURRIEDLY DOING MAKEUP/HAIR BEFORE A VIDEO CALL — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day

vs.

No. 4 Spending an entire conference call doing the dishes

Result:

Work Regional, Round 2:



#5 NOT CHANGING OUT OF PAJAMAS ALL DAY

vs.

#4 SPENDING AN ENTIRE CONFERENCE CALL DOING THE DISHES — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 11 Putting off a project “until this is all over”

vs.

No. 14 Starting emails “Hope you’re well!”

Result:

Work Regional, Round 2:



#11 PUTTING OFF A PROJECT “UNTIL THIS IS ALL OVER”

vs.

#14 STARTING EMAILS “HOPE YOU’RE WELL!” — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 7 Getting interrupted by pet/child during video call

vs.

No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated

Result:

Work Regional, Round 2:



#7 GETTING INTERRUPTED BY A PET/CHILD DURING VIDEO CALL

vs.

#2 CANCELING A STANDING MEETING YOU’VE ALWAYS HATED — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Leisure Regional

No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter

vs.

No. 8 Sex with partner

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 2:



#16 SCROLLING THROUGH TWITTER

vs.

#8 SEX WITH PARTNER



(oh this one is GOOD 👀) — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 5 Video games

vs.

No. 13 Trying to read a book

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 2:



#5 VIDEO GAMES🎮

vs.

#13 TRYING TO READ A BOOK📚 — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 6 Riding a bike

vs.

No. 3 Taking a walk

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 2:



#6 RIDING A BIKE

vs.

#3 TAKING A WALK — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 10 Listening to podcasts

vs.

No. 2 Netflix

Result:

Leisure Regional, Round 2:



#10 LISTENING TO PODCASTS

vs.

#2 NETFLIX — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Panicking Regional

No. 1 Stress-eating

vs.

No. 9 Drinking

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 2:



#1 STRESS-EATING🍕

vs.

#9 DRINKING🍷 — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 5 Pleading with parents to stop going to the gym

vs.

No. 13 Ordering beans on the internet

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 2:



#5 PLEADING WITH YOUR PARENTS NOT TO GO TO THE GYM

vs.

#13 BUYING BEANS ON THE INTERNET — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 11 Scolding people who are out having fun

vs.

No. 3 Refusing to get out of bed

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 2:



#11 SCOLDING PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT HAVING FUN

vs.

#3 REFUSING TO GET OUT OF BED — Slate (@Slate) March 19, 2020

No. 10 Yelling at the president

vs.

No. 15 Reacting calmly and appropriately to the situation

Result:

Panicking Regional, Round 2:



#10 YELLING AT THE PRESIDENT

vs.

#15 REACTING CALMLY AND APPROPRIATELY TO THE SITUATION — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

The Sweet 16

Family Regional

No. 1 Unlimited screen time

vs.

No. 12 Discovering your favorite childhood movies are not appropriate

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Family Regional



#1 UNLIMITED SCREEN TIME

vs.

#12 DISCOVERING YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MOVIES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE 🤯 — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

No. 6 Board games

vs.

﻿No. 2 Yelling

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Family Regional



#6 BOARD GAMES

vs.

#2 YELLING — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Work Regional

No. 16 Making a stupid bracket for your co-workers’ enjoyment

vs.

﻿No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Work Regional



#16 MAKING A STUPID BRACKET FOR YOUR CO-WORKERS’ ENJOYMENT

vs.

#5 NOT CHANGING OUT OF PAJAMAS ALL DAY — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

No. 14 Starting emails “Hope you’re well!”

vs.

﻿No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Work Regional



#14 STARTING EMAILS “HOPE YOU’RE WELL!”

vs.

#2 CANCELING A STANDING MEETING YOU’VE ALWAYS HATED — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Leisure Regional

No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter

vs.

﻿No. 13 Trying to read a book

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Leisure Regional



#16 SCROLLING THROUGH TWITTER📱

vs.

#13 TRYING TO READ A BOOK📚 — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

No. 3 Taking a walk

vs.

﻿No. 2 Netflix

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Leisure Regional



#3 TAKING A WALK

vs.

#2 NETFLIX — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Panicking Regional

No. 1 Stress-eating

vs.

﻿No. 5 Pleading with parents to stop going to the gym

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Panicking Regional



#1 STRESS-EATING

vs.

#5 PLEADING WITH YOUR PARENTS NOT TO GO TO THE GYM — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

No. 3 Refusing to get out of bed

vs.

﻿No. 10 Yelling at the president

Result:

Sweet Sixteen: Panicking Regional



#3 REFUSING TO GET OUT OF BED

vs.

#10 YELLING AT THE PRESIDENT — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

The Elite Eight

Family Regional Final

No. 1 Unlimited screen time

vs.

﻿No. 6 Board games

Result:

Elite Eight: Family Regional FINAL



#1 UNLIMITED SCREEN TIME

vs.

#6 BOARD GAMES — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Work Regional Final

No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day

vs.

No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated

Result:

Elite Eight: Work Regional FINAL



#5 NOT CHANGING OUT OF PAJAMAS ALL DAY

vs.

#2 CANCELING A STANDING MEETING YOU’VE ALWAYS HATED — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Leisure Regional Final

No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter

vs.

﻿No. 3 Taking a walk

Result:

Elite Eight: Leisure Regional



#16 SCROLLING THROUGH TWITTER🤳

vs.

#3 TAKING A WALK🌳🚶 — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Panicking Regional Final

No. 1 Stress-eating

vs.

No. 10 Yelling at the president

Result:

Elite Eight: Panicking Regional



#1 STRESS-EATING🍔

vs.

#10 YELLING AT THE PRESIDENT😡📲 — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

The Final Four

Family vs. Work

No. 1 Unlimited screen time

vs.

﻿No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day

Result:

FINAL FOUR!



Work Regional champion:

#5 NOT CHANGING OUT OF PAJAMAS ALL DAY

vs.

Family Regional champion:

#1 UNLIMITED SCREEN TIME — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Leisure vs. Panicking

No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter

vs.

No. 10 Yelling at the president

Result:

FINAL FOUR!



Leisure Regional champion:

#16 SCROLLING THROUGH TWITTER

vs.

Panicking Regional champion:

#10 YELLING AT THE PRESIDENT — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

﻿No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day

vs.

No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter

Result:

It’s the 🎸FINAL COUNTDOWN🎸



Which quarantine activity is the best of them all—wearing pajamas, or checking Twitter? Vote now! https://t.co/DRxkOHYCwp



CHAMPIONSHIP GAME:



#5 NOT CHANGING OUT OF PAJAMAS ALL DAY

vs.

#16 SCROLLING THROUGH TWITTER — Slate (@Slate) March 20, 2020

Champion: No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day.

Thanks to all who participated in this year’s inaugural—and hopefully final—National Championship of Social Distancing.