COMEDIAN Tahir runs the rule over the Queensland and NSW teams after the most one-sided victory in State of Origin history, a 52-6 mauling from the Maroons.

QUEENSLAND PLAYER RATINGS

GREG INGLIS

One of the premier players of the game. Has strange celebrations crawling along the ground after scoring. It could be the goanna, a lizard or just a man coming home late and drunk. Has been working towards top form and he is always dangerous from the back. 9/10

DARIUS BOYD

Only played for Queensland because he thought Wayne Bennett was the coach. Is a fullback playing on the wing for fun. He had the best seat in the house as he basically watched the game from the sideline. Just when we forgot that he was on the field he scored a try. 3/10

WILL CHAMBERS

His name sounds like a law firm and he plays accordingly: safe, strong and smart. However, his haircut makes him look a little silly. Short back and sides? Are you serious, Will? This is not the 80s. In rare form and has established himself in this team for few years to come. 7/10

JUSTIN HODGES

Final Origin game after 24 appearances for the banana benders. Usual niggle game. A player you would love to have on your team. Showing age through legs so bent that you would swear he has just come off riding a horse for 10 days. Uses more strapping than a horse trainer and this was the real reason for his retirement. It was costing a fortune to keep him on the field. Kicked his first goal with style and technique and is considering NFL. 6.5/10

DANE GAGAI

Scored a try on debut and was generally safe and solid throughout the match. Had been earmarked for Origin and stepped up in style. What does he have going for him? Nothing really … except his speed, elusiveness and ability to play in different positions. The pronunciation of his surname is the only concern. 7/10

JOHANATHON THURSTON

A champion for a long period. Has reportedly fitted 27 marshmellows in his mouth. Hard to beat. He was once told off severely by a ball boy and consequently always makes the effort to pick up the kicking tee and hand it to them — he did it nine times in this match. Can get the giggles, which can lift the whole team. Wears headgear to save money from getting haircuts. Kicks goals like there is always a howling wind from right to left. He will be giggling till the next Origin series and all of NSW has to listen. 9/10

COOPER CRONK

Available for Queensland. Miss Storm game. Fit for Origin. Miss Storm game. Works on his injuries like a man who does not want to miss any Origin games. Loves to kick field goals to win matches so consequently was not very interested in this game. Always plays like an accountant … safe and calculated but a little nerdy. 6/10

MATT SCOTT

Back to his best form. The Cockroaches went away from their plan to target Scott and stop their roll on. Hard man to tackle. Imagine a barrel running at you with legs. Nice flare-up with his Cowboys teammate James Tamou, proving that once again that Origin is mate against mate. 8.5/10

CAMERON SMITH

He is like Eno when you have an upset stomach: a steady influence. Was not meant to play league. He was pulled from an office when a team was short and is looking forward to going back. He either has Arabic heritage or is the hairiest white guy on the planet. Cameron shaves before the match and again during the half-time interval. 9/10

NATE MYLES

Played his usual solid game. He is the smartest guy on the team. The size of his forehead is a giveaway. Will use his forehead to run the ball, tackles and sometimes to even drive his car. Valuable player with a big engine. 8/10

AIDAN GUERRA

Like a bully, always runs on the edges against smaller players. Love that tactic. Has an Italian heritage and subsequently carbs up big time before matches. Even eats pasta during the halftime interval … look for the red sauce stains. Scored one of his trademark tries on the edges running through paper-thin defence. 6/10

SAM THAIDAY

His enthusiasm is like a baby about to be breastfed. Is known to get to games five hours early because he has that much grooming to get through before he runs out onto the field. Is a sucker for love songs and sang a few to the Cockroach pack as the scoreline was getting out of control. Is having a super year and this game was no different. Picked up more crumbs than a pigeon at a bakery. 7/10

COREY PARKER

Workhorse that never stops. Simply worked his way to become player of the series. Has more grey hair than a room full of ladies playing bingo. The only NRL player going for the George Clooney look. Like a fine wine he is getting better with age. Has more offloads than a courier and will play Origin for a few years to come. 9/10

MICHAEL MORGAN

Limited time for a player who, at the start of the year, was just happy to play regularly in first grade for the Cowboys. Has gained huge confidence and likely to be in the team for some time to come. Popular player among his peers judging by the reaction to his try. 3/10

JOSH PAPALII

Was a super selection by Mal (or his assistants, who knows?). Scored a great try. The missing link in terms of anger, mongrel and scary looks that the Maroons needed to match the Cockroaches. Imagine meeting Josh in a dark scary alley? My first thought would be: “What am I doing in a dark scary alley?” 8/10

MATT GILLETT

Knows how to sniff a try or two and did not disappoint in this game. Needs to do a few more interviews as we don’t know much about him. C’mon, Matt. Give us something please! Long-term prospect for the Maroons. 7.5/10

JACOB LILLYMAN

Big impact off the bench. The first and only Warrior to represent Queensland in Origin. Only moved to New Zealand so his name will be the answer to that question. 7.5/10

NEW SOUTH WALES PLAYER RATINGS

JOSH DUGAN

Josh plays his football in a random and unexpected way. He was a constant threat for the banana benders and breezed through this match like a Bacardi. Will be back next year and plans to attack the Queenslanders from where they will not expect it: the roof. Reportedly wants to get more tattoos but has run out of room and is in negotiation with Aaron Woods to use parts of his body. 6.5/10

WILL HOPOATE

Usually a class act but did not have a happy night. Is in danger of missing selection and this is concerning as he comes from a big family and needs the money for basic essentials. Will go back to Parramatta to find form and this is a concern in itself. 2/10

MICHAEL JENNNINGS

Wanted to play the game at 2am. Had reportedly booked a taxi after the game for 2am. He had a 2am flight so he was up by 2am to catch the 2am taxi booked for his 2am flight. Plays in the eastern suburbs but tries to pick up chicks in the western suburbs. Hard to forget your roots. 2am/10

JOSH MORRIS

Made for State of Origin, but was basically not sighted. Even adding his twin brother’s stats to his do not help. The usual tactic of getting injured and then tackling everything that comes his way did not work. Should back up for the Bulldogs as Laurie Daley obviously rested Josh for the Origin decider. 4/10

BRETT MORRIS

See above. 4/10

MITCHEL PEARCE

Once again his Origin form will be in question. However, this is a little unfair considering that he had more traffic coming at him than the Hume Highway. Plenty of missed tackles but he had plenty of friends in this area. Heavily influenced by his fitness fanatic father and my advice would be to loosen up and include a few kebabs in his diet. 4/10

TRENT HODKINSON

Did his job when he put his cockroaches in front by two points early in the game. He did his bit by kicking the goal but his teammates let him down by not holding onto to this lead. It’s a pretty simple game plan when you lead 2-0 in the first 5 minutes – you just tackle for 75 minutes. Had to make plenty of tackles and did not have much ball. Was seen humming the Kiwi national anthem before the match. 5/10

AARON WOODS

Represents an era when men were men. Solid game as usual and is a long-term Cockroach. Is big, hairy and plays with dirty undies. He is keen to bring back the 80s and is odds on favourite to get sent off with a swinging arm. Can be lazy at times, not with his football, but with his grooming. Has an outstanding command of the English language. 7.5/10

MICHAEL ENNIS

Oh, how I have missed seeing The Menace in action for the Cockroaches. Only played because the Queenslanders did not understand what a Lebanese person was or looked like and consequently Robbie Farah had to sit out. Was expected to provide niggle but even I was surprised when it happened in the first 30 seconds with a strip and a forearm to Hodges’ throat. Was amazing in defence and had to make three times as many tackles as his counterpart. Ennis the Menace did not let the Blues down. 7/10

JAMES TAMOU

Has taken quite a while to find top form after coming back from serious injury. This game has proven that he still is not at his best. We saw a lot of swinging arms from James. Has a huge mouth when it comes to size and width. If you cant picture it then imagine the mouth of Luna Park. Interesting to see how the Cowboys welcome him back but he won’t have to worry for at least a week or two after being cited. 4/10

BEAU SCOTT

His game plan was simple. Go and intimidate. Hard to intimidate the opposition when your name is Beau. With a name like that he could easily be in the Bold and the Beautiful. Had to soak up a lot of defence, which sapped a lot of energy for the usual things we expect from him: rubbing faces, pulling legs and harassing the kickers. 4/10

RYAN HOFFMAN

Was concussed on the bumpy bus trip on the way to the ground. Performs a concussion test three times a day. His strong defence was sorely missed. 1/10

PAUL GALLEN

Has had more work done on his body than Pamela Anderson. Under injury cloud coming into the game with a rib injury but the doctor had determined that the injured rib was the spare one. Last year for the Sharks but has signed a five-year deal to play exclusively with the NSW Blues. As usual tried his hardest with a huge work rate. Needs more work in the gym though. 7.5/10

TRENT MERRIN

In case you missed it, he was one of the Blues who let the frustration get the better of him, flipping Corey Parker upside down in one of the scarier incidents of the night. Not a good look, Trent. 4/10

BOYD CORDNER

Great defender as usual but needs to bring his excellent Roosters form to the Origin cauldron. Is a very dangerous hole runner on the edges. Laurie Daley, you listening? I mean I can help next year but I need to check my schedule as it’s a busy time for me with lots of comedy shows scheduled. 4/10

DAVID KLEMMER

The Cockroach camp fed him raw meat for the whole week but to no avail. Did not have his usual impact off the bench and I would contemplate starting him. He is built for the up-tempo softening up period that defines Origin. So why is he sitting on the bench? Should be establishing his authority from the opening whistle. Has a long future for the Cockroaches but needs to work on a few areas. Never heard of a step or a jink or any other movement other than to treat the defenders as speed bumps. 6/10

JOSH JACKSON

Did not get much game time and so had very little impact. Strong defender and another player we expect to see back next year. Has anyone heard him talk? I know his name is Jackson but not sure if English is his first language. C’mon, Josh. Do some more interviews! 3/10