New Greggs sausage rolls not only vegan but also HALAL

The Daily Mail and their readers lost even more of their shit this morning as it was revealed Greggs’ new line of vegan sausage rolls are HALAL.

The kind of person who turns up to child abuse trials to bang on the vans arriving at court was already pretty upset yesterday after it was revealed that a food product that didn’t exactly match their diet was announced by Greggs the bakers.

“And now I find out they’re halal as well,” seethed Simon Williams, a keen van-banger.

“A good sausage roll should be full of mulched-up eyeballs and animal vaginas, not fresh plants, that’s just disgusting.

“And on top of that, they’re pandering to the Muzzies as well? This is ENGLAND. Not Veganna or Saudi Arabia, thank you very much.

”It’s a diskrace. An absolute disc race. Descrasful.”

The outrage has been met with a shrug of the shoulders by non-morons everywhere.

A Greggs spokesperson told us, “Like most people with huge concerns around halal products being made available in the UK, Simon doesn’t actually know what it means. He probably thinks we’re injecting all of our products with Islam.

”We aren’t doing anything to the vegan sausage rolls to make them halal, they just happen to not contain any meat or alcohol, so they fit the definition. They are halal by default, rather than through any action on our part.

”Technically, water is halal, but please don’t go and tell Simon that. He’d probably be willing to die of thirst ‘before giving in to the Muslim hordes’.”