âAnd the bad news is this hammer,â I was telling the interns, when somebody suddenly kicked open the door to my office. âWHERE IS HE?â The intruder screamed. Normally, I would assume DOB was just making another dramatic entrance, but the distinct lack of puns about my name being yelled suggested otherwise. âTAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!â I replied, noticing that my intruder was both female and shirt-clad.

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âI SAID WHERE IS HE?!â She yelled again. âI SAID TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!â I replied once more, because I am not a quitter. âListen, Brockway. Iâll give you one chance at this and one chance only: You will tell me what you did with Ross Wolinsky, or I will be forced to take drastic action.â âTAKE YOUR SH-â I began, but was interrupted by her interruption. âIâm not going to take my fucking shirt off! Just answer the question! Iknow you know what happened to him! What, you come out of nowhere with your stupid âImages That Are Awesomeâ bullshit and Wolinsky just coincidentally is never heard from again?! Tell me the goddamn truth!â She was waving a pistol around erratically, the insanity-sweat sexily beading on her crazy-brow.

Nothing like a hot, sweaty, yellow-pajama clad woman, right fellas?

âYou have a point,â I said, slowly realizing that Wolinskyâs updates had indeed stopped the second I came on board, âmaybe itâs a company policy? We both have intense beards, you see, and I think there might be something in the employee handbook regulating beard output via-â âNO MORE LIES!â She broke in, âjust tell me why he left and nobody has to die tod-â âINTERRUPTION!â I yelled abruptly, âSee how rude that is? Doesnât feel so good, does it? Now, lady, I didnât do anything to Ross, but whatever beef you think you have with me, donât drag the interns into this, okay? Just let them goâ¦â I said selflessly, knowing that tales of my heroic, self-sacrificing nature would significantly increase the moisture levels in the secretary pool â which is already pretty moist, considering that it's literally a pool full of secretaries.