We read the United States Equestrian Federation dressage handbook (PDF)—because what do we really know about the interests, goals, and talents of Rafalca Romney, wealthy horse and girl?

Dressage! What’s the point?

“The horse. . . gives the impression of doing of his own accord what is required of him. Confident and attentive he submits generously to the control of his rider remaining absolutely straight in any movement on a straight line and bending accordingly when moving on curved lines.”

Tell me about the Platonic ideal of a dressage horse.

“His walk is regular, free and unconstrained. His trot is free, supple, regular, sustained and active. His canter is united, light and cadenced. His quarters are never inactive or sluggish. They respond to the slightest indication of the rider and thereby give life and spirit to allthe rest of his body.”

Dressage seems like the sort of thing its practitioners would self-righteously claim is just as much a mental challenge as it is physical. Please tell me this is the case.

“By virtue of a lively impulsion and the suppleness of his joints, free from the paralyzing effects of resistance the horse obeys willingly and without hesitation and responds to the various aids calmly and with precision, displaying a natural and harmonious balance both physically and mentally.”

What are the four different kinds of “walks”? I know there can’t be just one.

Collected walk, medium walk, extended walk, and free walk. Cool. Which one is the most ridiculous?

Definitely free walk. “The free walk is a pace of relaxation in which the horse is allowed complete freedom to lower and stretch out his head and neck.”

Show me a really silly diagram of a horse.

What’s the most complicated sentence in the dressage handbook?

“The requirements for a working half-pirouette are identical to those of a regular half-pirouette, except that the allowable radius is increased to approximately 5 meters. A working half-pirouette is to be judged like a regular half-pirouette except that full credit must be given for a well-performed, but larger (5 meter) half-pirouette. Full credit should also be given for a well-performed regular-sized half-pirouette. A significant deduction should be made if a rider attempts but performs poorly a regular half-pirouette.” Is this handbook written for horses? Is that why it’s so confusing?

Nay! What’s the sexiest passage in the dressage handbook?