Every year, more countries ban wild animals from being used in circuses. The fact that elephants, camels and zebras were kept in chains and driven around countries to perform tricks for the delight of roaring audiences already seems anachronistic. People wonder how past generations could have been so blind to the obvious cruelty and exploitation involved. Might humans one day feel the same about pets? Could it one day seem as cruel that people locked dogs up in houses, kept fish in tiny bowls, or forced birds to live their whole lives in small cages?

The morality of pet ownership is in the news after it was revealed that the dying wishes of a dog owner in the US were to have her perfectly healthy pet put down and cremated to be buried alongside her. Despite the efforts of animal shelter workers to save the shih tzu mix, called Emma, she was killed and cremated. Her ashes were handed to the representative of the dead woman’s estate for burial. The woman probably thought she loved Emma but to most people her demand will seem barbaric and selfish. It’s easy to point the finger in this case but selfishness among pet owners is commonplace.

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Here in Britain, where we pride ourselves as being a “nation of dog lovers”, a survey of dog owners found that more than a quarter believe it is acceptable to leave a dog alone at home up to 10 hours a day – a distressing life for a sociable, pack animal. A spokesman for the British Veterinary Association says that “almost all” vets have been asked to euthanise healthy pets, a process that is legal. The reasons for these death sentences include that the owners were moving to a home that is unsuitable for their pet.

Pugs and French bulldogs, which are selectively bred to have a distorted physique, are soaring in popularity in the UK. Both breeds have huge traction on Instagram. Newspapers even tell people “How to make your pet Insta-famous in 4 easy steps”. But all that weird breeding means they frequently endure a life of health problems, including hip and leg pain, breathing difficulty, dental and eating problems, and more. The attraction based on their online popularity can be short-lived: the RSPCA says there has been a 517% increase in French bulldogs abandoned by owners.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘Could it one day seem as cruel that people locked dogs up in houses, kept fish in tiny bowls, or forced birds to live their whole lives in small cages?’ Photograph: Andrew Murray/BBC-2

Mainstream media trends can also be devastating for animals. When the Disney film Finding Nemo came out, the demand for clownfish for home aquariums soared. Soon, more than one million of these fish were being removed from the wild each year. They’re now extinct in many areas where they once thrived.

The language people use about pets is revealing. Many people say they “own” a cat or a dog. When pets go missing, the “owners” often say the animal “escaped”. What does this reveal to us? We joke that some people have “the attention span of a goldfish,” which helps us avoid wondering whether it’s cruel to keep goldfish in a tiny bowl. But we should wonder about that: researchers have shown that goldfish have longer “sustained attention” spans than humans. And the language pets use can tell us a lot. Parrots dumped at refuges shout phrases like “shut up” and “knock it off” at each other, because these were the words they heard most from their owners.

When we talk about “putting animals to sleep” this paints the process as an almost blissful experience. But one woman who has witnessed countless dogs being put down revealed the harder truth: that doomed pets seem to be aware of their fate. “A lot of them start to vomit or soil themselves the minute they enter the euthanasia room,” she said. Most owners won’t know that, because most won’t be there, as a vet revealed earlier this year. He said 90% of owners refuse to be in the room when he injects them, so the “animal’s last moments are usually them frantically looking around for their owners”.

Everyone says they love their pet but I wonder how often that’s true.

• Chas Newkey-Burden is an author and journalist