Damian “Nice but Dim” Green looked miserable before the interview with Andrew Marr had even begun. Of all the TV studios in all of the world, he had to walk into this one. After spending four weeks hidden away from the public on the orders of the Supreme Leader’s High Command, the work and pensions secretary was finally being let out at the very moment when there were signs things were going a bit wrong for the Tories. His one chance to prove to the world that he really did have a fully functioning brain was certain to end in failure.

Marr smelt blood and went for an early kill. Why were there no costings in the Tory manifesto? “It’s a realistic document,” said Dim. It hadn’t been the Tories’ fault that the Tories had called a snap election and, under the circumstances, this was the best they had been able to come up with in a couple of weeks. The manifesto was clearly a document. It was printed on paper. Therefore it was a realistic document.

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“There’s an £8bn hole in your plans for NHS spending,” Marr pointed out. Dim twitched nervously. There wasn’t, they were just reallocating £8bn of existing NHS funding, Dim said. “That’s not true,” said Marr. Dim wisely chose not to contradict this.

Things quickly turned worse when Marr moved on to winter fuel payments. These were completely uncosted as no one knew what level they would be means tested. “They aren’t uncosted,” Dim said defensively. It was just that they hadn’t yet been properly costed. Or rather they might have been but it just wasn’t the right moment to let everyone know what the costings were. There was no point bothering voters with loads of numbers just before an important election.

Dim was equally out of his depth when asked to justify the government’s social care proposals that targeted those suffering from dementia, rather than adopting those published in the Dilnot report. He struggled to do the sums on what the changes might mean to someone with a £250,000 house in Ashford, rambled about there not being the right financial products in place and rather implied that we should stop being so negative. Rather than focusing on all those with dementia who would be left with £100,000 – and face it, they would all be too far gone to notice – why didn’t we concentrate on all those lucky enough to die of cancer who would be able to pass on £1m to their relatives tax-free?

“You have been touted as the next chancellor,” said Marr, clearly incredulous at Dim’s failure to grasp basic arithmetic. “Do you think Philip Hammond is doing a good job?” This was one of those questions that didn’t require an answer. Compared to Dim, Lurch is an economic colossus.

Why stop at one car crash, when you can have two? Having sent Green on to Marr, the Tories chose to double-down by allowing Boris Johnson on to Peston’s show. Dim and Dimmer. If Dim had been hoping to supply some gravitas, Dimmer’s tactic was to go for full-on levitas. His hair was even more artfully dishevelled than usual and all that was missing was the clown makeup. He even tried to sneak a quick peek of the questions while Peston’s back was turned. Not for the first time, his comic timing was off.

“Why are you picking on people with dementia?” Peston enquired, quite reasonably. Dimmer burbled on, hoping that some vaguely plausible answer might come to him. It didn’t. The best he could manage was that the government had to pick on someone so it might as well start with the demented.

Peston appeared as startled by this answer as everyone else and asked if Dimmer had been consulted about the contents of the manifesto before it was published. Dimmer was horrified by the suggestion. Why on earth would the Supreme Leader bother to talk to her cabinet about anything? Though he was thrilled that she had promised an extra £350m per week to the NHS.

“She didn’t say anything of the sort,” said Peston, who was now beginning to realise he was dealing with someone in urgent need of psychiatric help.

Dimmer just smirked. When caught telling a blatant lie, smirking is his default response. At which point, a small smattering of self-awareness began to bubble in what passed for Dimmer’s consciousness. He strayed off the strong and stable leader message. Time to mention Kim Jong-May.

“What people have to realise is that the election is a choice between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn,” he said. Schoolboy error. Dimmer had just reminded everyone of the clear and present danger to the country posed by him also being involved in the Brexit negotiations. Dim and Dimmer, Dumb and Dumber. But which member of the cabinet is Dimmest? Watch this space.