EAST HANOVER, NJ—Utterly perplexed as to how they were chosen for the massive project, Nabisco executives reportedly were baffled Thursday after the Trump administration gave it a $200 million contract to rebuild Puerto Rico’s roads. “Although we are honored the president has awarded us this generous contract to help the people of Puerto Rico rebuild their transportation infrastructure, we honestly have no idea how to do this,” said Irene Rosenfeld, CEO of Nabisco parent company Mondelēz International, adding that although she explained to administration officials that the undertaking was entirely out of her company’s wheelhouse as a snack food manufacturer, she was told simply to “figure it out.” “We repeatedly tried to convince them to give the money to a construction firm, but all they said was that this order came directly from the president himself. In its entire history, this company has only ever produced cookies and crackers, but I guess we can give it a shot for all the Puerto Ricans who desperately need assistance.” At press time, Nabisco’s team was evaluating whether Nilla Wafers or Oreos would be a better building material for the muddy, sandy terrain of San Juan.

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