Here’s our first ever guest post courtesy of Omaha based stand up comic and huge Husker fan Nick Allen. If you’re in the Big O over the holidays, you can catch Nick at The Funny Bone December 26th – 28th.

Take it away Nick Allen…

As Nebraska Cornhuskers coach Mike Riley puts his staff together, here’s a breakdown where we’re at so far and what we’d like to see. And by we, I mean me, because this is my coaching dream team.

We’ll begin with the confirmed hires:

Defensive Assistant Mark Banker

Has never surrendered 56 unanswered points to Wisconsin.

Trusted confidant of new Head Coach Mike Riley (just typing Mike Riley again to get used to it).

Has never given up 70 points to Wisconsin.



Editor’s note: Let’s not forget he held Wisconsin to 35 yards rushing in 2012. And that wasn’t just on a single play but the ENTIRE game.

Editor’s note: Dude looks like Mark Harmon!

Editor’s note: Never forget that Mark Harmon beat the Huskers.

LB Coach Trent Bray

Tough to take a guy named Trent seriously but let’s give Riley the benefit of the doubt.

Probably got laid pretty easily in Corvallis (OSU hero), but left that behind for the uncharted waters of Lincoln.

Has never been a golf coach.



OL Coach Mike Cavanaugh

Gnarly old/slightly overweight white dude.

More rock of the earth than salt of the earth.

Swears repeatedly on OSU promoted coaching clip.



QB Whisperer Mike Riley

Track record of sending QB’s that no one can name to the NFL.

An actual QB coach.

An actual QB coach.



Secondary Coach Charlton Warren

Only confirmed retention of Pelini’s staff.

Good recruiter.

Hated Pelini’s fake cat.

Could probably land the team jet in case the crew gets sick from the in-flight meal.



Special Teams Coordinator Bruce Reed

Currently building his own office.

Already has a huge man crush on De’Mornay Pierson-El.

Hopefully has the stones to block a kick or two.



Filling out the rest of the staff:

Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst says resources are not an issue. This list assumes that is true.

Defensive Coordinator Mike Ditka

Leader of the 1985 Chicago Bears.

Politics aren’t as bad as Ron Brown‘s

Proves that while you may need a pill to get your dick up, if you have a legit mustache you’re never a pussy.



Defensive Line Coach Ndamukong Suh

Single-handedly cost Colt McCoy the Heisman Trophy.



Stomped on the opposing coach’s kid while rumbling for a touchdown.



The Blackshirts need an attitude.

He’s a free agent at the end of the season.

Offensive Coordinator Bill Callahan

Head Coach of a Super Bowl team. Granted, it was a game mired in controversy but you live and learn, right?

Called Oklahoma fans “fucking hillbillies.”

Message boards would explode.



Wide Receivers Coach Terrell Owens (T.O. 2.0)

Great receiver.

Needs the money.

Makes Mike Riley less boring.

Could probably still play the college level.



Running Backs Coach Christian Okoye

The Nigerian Nightmare looks good in red.

Won a collegiate hammer throwing title.

Brings serious Tecmo Bowl clout.



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