CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all, but now that that’s over and done with, it’s time to think big and find some other stuff I can buy,” said Pritzker, adding that after spending his own and his family’s vast wealth on starting an investment group with his brother, owning a horse farm in Wisconsin, purchasing a Lake Geneva vacation mansion, having a science center at the Milton Academy named after him, getting a building at the University of South Dakota named after his wife’s parents, ensuring the Northwestern law school was named after his family, setting up charities to provide cover for funneling money into offshore accounts, bankrolling union-busting activities at companies he owns, sending his children to private school, heavily funding two Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, giving over $2 million to Duke University, flying on private jets, and winning the governor’s race, he was looking for a fun new diversion to help offload some more of his $3.4 billion fortune. “It’s definitely nice to be governor, but what I’m really looking for is something that requires me to pony up some serious moolah. After all, I only get to be governor of one state. I bought a bunch of Faberge eggs and a ton of the rarest luxury cars I could find, but that’s not really doing it for me. I was talking to someone the other day who said I could buy an Egyptian mummy, so maybe I’ll do that. Or I could buy up a bunch of vineyards, or a couple castles? Maybe I can use my time as governor to really get down to work on my dream of finally buying all of Da Vinci’s works. I’d better think of something soon, though, since all this cash is really burning a hole in my pocket.” At press time, Pritzker had decided to order a full-scale reproduction of Venice in southern Illinois after realizing how much taxpayer money he would have fritter away.

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