When the bland comfort of your cushy suburban lifestyle has left you feeling alienated and emasculated, when you feel your wealth and privilege have insulated you from responsibility but also from authenticity, don’t fret! You can always buy a little fake credibility by dressing like a romanticized version of an impoverished redneck. Just put on a camo TrashTrends™ hunting vest, made from real Kevlar and trimmed with endangered arctic wolf fur ($6500, Nordstrom). No one will ever suspect you live in a six bedroom house in Cleaver Springs, playing video games and mooching off the income from your dad’s multiple sports utility vehicle dealerships.

Dad’s Lakehouse Party Realness

Tasteless and talentless, but that’s never stopped you! Life of the party, though no one for the life of them can tell you why. You favor khaki board shorts and luxuriant silk shirts with all the subtle patterns and balanced colors of a casino carpet. Fortunately, Tastesilks by Silver Platter Prince ($100-$900, spprince.com) is here to clothe you with all the warmth and gentleness you never found from the wealthy father that despises you. Just slip on one of these shirts, take a deep breath, and meet your friends out on your dad’s yacht. They’re totally here just because they like you, they really like you. Nostalgia Nerd/Startup Stan Weren’t the ’90s great? And the ’80s—I mean, wow! Just an endless stream of candy-colored toy commercials! Weren’t those decades a better time, a purer time? Not really. You just feel that way because you were a child, and you didn’t know what death was. But now you do, and it’s coming for you in the form of endless pop-culture rehashes hooked directly to your veins. And all you want is more, more, more; you want to swathe your whole body in reminders of what it felt like not to be afraid. Fear not: Dystogia is here to help. When you download Dystogia straight to your 3D printer, you can custom-print your favorite childhood references directly onto your skin and clothing. A Dystogia subscription is only $99.99 a month, much less than what you pay desperate gig workers to clean your disgusting apartment. Words by Lyta Gold. Illustrations by Maxwell J. Singletary.

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