In an Onion-ized world, last night’s State of the Union would’ve begun like this:

Nearly two years into our recovery from a recession that left our financial system on the verge of collapse, I stand here today confident that America is on a path to a better tomorrow, despite all the nutjobs and lunatics out there whose behavior is, honestly, kind of weirding the rest of us out.

Especially weird is the significant portion of pet owners who prefer the companionship of a frog or a hermit crab to that of an actual human being.

According to an AP-Petside.com poll, while most pet owners (84 percent) would choose “their spouse or significant other” over their pet, 14 percent said they’d stick with their dog or cat and get rid of their partner. More specifically, 25 percent of unmarried pet owners chose beast over human, compared to only 8 percent of married owners.

That makes way too much sense.

Count Fidel Martinez, a 30-year-old dog owner of seven years and boyfriend of four, said:

I would absolutely give up my girlfriend for him. I know it sounds insane but I’ve had numerous relationships with women. My dog has never let me down.

We’ll assume his girlfriend gave him up for another guy moments after reading that. (Thus further proving Martinez’s final point.)

Back when his son was born, now 67-year-old Christopher J. Hampton had to give up his dog of five years because his new son was allergic. “I couldn’t give up my son,” Hampton said, “so that was it.”

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Total bummer, man.

More women than men say that it’s a tough decision choosing between a human and a pet: 40 percent to 26 percent. But the most shocking result—and that’s saying a lot—from the survey has to be that an equal number (35 percent) of dog and cat owners said the decision would be hard.

Dogs I kind of get. But cats? Seriously, people? Cats are nothing but glorified rats, most famous for bringing humans bad luck—not to mention needing an indoor sandbox to … never mind. I quit.

—Photo loshomomiche/Photobucket

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