Previously on Drag Race: Charlie Hides gave up on life and humiliated herself on national television. Valentina asked to keep it on, please. Nina Bo’nina Brown knew all these bitches were talking shit about her behind her back. Alexis Michelle demanded that you not make it about her body. And our final four queens advanced to the finale!

… Which I thought was this episode. Imagine my cataclysmic disappointment when the episode starts playing and RuPaul goes “we are one week away from the crowning of America’s Next Drag Superstar!”

Without further ado, my darlings, it is time to reintroduce the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9 – with, for the first time ever on this recap blog, an outfit showcase for all fourteen of these hennies! I know, I’m just the best.

Jaymes Mansfield has pulled out a little blue number that essentially looks like a more expensive version of her promo look, no T no shade. That being said, she actually looks lovely and, dare I say it, a little slimmer? I love the frilly gloves.

Kimora Blac‘s hair and headpiece combination looks stunning, and the subtlety of the black turtleneck is a nice complement to that.

Somehow Charlie’s dress is giving me Miss Mandarin realness, and the hair clashes with it pretty brutally – but in a good way. The ‘Charlie’ headpiece is typical Philip Treacy extravaganza – something Charlie’s very into, I’ve noticed.

Hey, Eureka! The resident big girl is showing poor Laila McQueen how you really do Beetlejuice as a drag queen. Works for me. And look, she can stand on her own two feet again! It’s a Hanukkah miracle!

Cynthia Lee Fontaine is looking glam in red. The look’s a tad on the basic side, but I like the wig. Her smile looks so, so uncomfortable, though. The cameras are on you, dear! Say Cucu!

Like everything Aja does and wears, there are going to be those who like this and those who don’t. I’m kind of into it. It’s very club kid, but also ’40s chic. Her makeup has improved a bit, I think.

Farrah Moan‘s look is very casual for her. Just a little something to go pick up some antifreeze at the grocery store to slowly poison her archenemy to death with.

Val looks pretty gorgeous, as always. This is very quintessential Tina. What else can I say? I’m desperately trying to avoid throwing the usual Linda Evangelista line.

… That didn’t count!

Nina Bo’nina Brown is coming for Shea Couleé‘s tribal African promo look gig. Not just coming, bitches, she’s there. Get used to it. I have. It’s a toot.

Alexis Michelle is proudly showing us her natural curves. I’m not a huge fan of that big bright thong action she’s got going on, but all in all, this is a pretty decent look.

Peppermint is looking F.I.E.R.C.E. That suit and that hair and that necklace, they work. I’m getting some serious Madonna vibes and absolutely loving it.

Step aside, bitches, Sasha Velour is here. I can’t even begin to describe the concept behind this ruffly jumpsuit she’s rocking. And speaking of rocking, Sasha brought back a piece from one of my favorite looks of hers this season – the giant spiked mohawk. Yas, yas, yas.

Shea Couleé is showing Alexis Michelle some true Native American realness with that hair and those earrings. Ouch. Plus she’s thrown on some muppet-y sleeves, a cute throwback to her entrance look. Remember the first episode? Before they all started hating each other? Yeah. Good times.

Last but certainly not least, our lady and savior Trinity Taylor is here to show everyone else how it’s done, in true pageant queen fashion. Keep being perfect, you gorgeous botox-filled ho.

Here we are, bitches, the season 9 reunion. This is the long-awaited annual event where every shady thing that the queens have said about each other in confessionals gets brought back up in the most melodramatic way. Are you ready for some serious catfighting? Because I am.

RuPaul does not waste a single second getting to the good stuff, immediately following his introduction with the first order of business – Alexis Michelle’s sensitivity to being read by her fellow queens.

Alexis tries to justify her point of view, saying she had previously explained how she felt about her body issues, and that maybe the other queens attacked her too hard on that subject.

Shea responds with a “well you joked about my teeth so… yeah” comment and Alexis looks like she’s going to apologize for that, but then the conversation moves on. Peppermint tries to rationalize the situation and make Alexis see what she did wrong, but then Trinity interrupts with this breaking news:

“Girl, you’re a drag queen, and if you can’t roll with the punches, this is not the career for you.”

Awkward silence. Someone gasps in the background. I think it’s Aja because she lives for drama.

Alexis explains how she’s trying to be more comfortable with jokes made at her expense, and Aja suggests they practice right now.

Now that we’re done talking about Alexis Michelle, let’s move on to Charlie Hides! Mama Ru brings up Charlie’s weak sauce lip-sync performance and her essentially giving up. Charlie talks about how she had a cracked rib and was in pain the whole time.

Shea accuses Charlie of flip-flopping on her excuses, talking about how her original reasoning was that she doesn’t do lip-syncs for a living and that now it’s a cracked rib.

Charlie explains the lip-syncing thing with a very confusing sushi analogy, saying she only makes sushi twice a year and Trinity Taylor makes sushi on a daily basis.

“Yeah, but we do sushi on the show,” RuPaul retorts. What have I been watching all this time?

Wait, hold up, hold up – is that what “serving fish” really means?!

RuPaul brings up something Charlie once mentioned about also having diarrhea, and Charlie explains that was earlier and it was just a culmination of things.

Charlie finally stops juggling excuses and just apologizes to RuPaul for letting him down. Apparently, that was what Ru wanted, because he immediately wraps up the conversation after that.

Next up: Eureka’s shock elimination because of her knee injury. Eureka very quickly tears up about how supportive everyone was.

Ru quickly lightens the mood by asking Farrah Moan to recreate the legendary guttural sob she emitted that day when she was saved by Eureka’s elimination.

With that hilariousness out of the way, Ru tries to stir the pot again by asking if anyone was actually glad a fierce contestant was taken out of the running that day. Surprise: Shea was! She talks about how sad the situation was but also that her inner competitor was ferociously applauding this turn of events.

Now, the moment everyone’s been talking about for weeks: Valentina’s stunner of an elimination. Tina talks about how she was just in a state of shock and had had trouble learning the words – to which Shea (yep, again) jumps in, accusing her of not trying hard enough to memorize the song.

Alexis Michelle attempts to defend Valentina, saying the girl did try to learn the words, and Shea takes the conversation in a whole other direction, shading Valentina, Valentina’s fans, and Alexis in one fell swoop.

Apparently, Alexis and Nina Bo’nina Brown were both heavily blamed on social media by Valentina fans who felt the two of them were more deserving to go home than her in that moment. Alright, guys, that wasn’t cool.

Valentina explains why her fans are so protective of her – to sum it up, basically, she’s special and talented and unique like Selena. Oh, okay. Also humble.

Peppermint asks Tina why she never reprimanded her more extreme fans for their behavior. Alexis tells her she was told online she should kill herself and that she was ugly and fat and should’ve volunteered to go home instead of Valentina.

Valentina tries to say she’s not good with social media, but Shea shuts that down real quick, and also follows up with an impression of her and how she said she’d defend Nina from her fans – and never did.

Things get extra personal as Valentina and Shea accuse each other of raising their voices and being upset with one another.

Peppermint again asks Valentina why she never said anything to her fans about their actions. You guys, there is enough drama in this episode to make up for an entire season of RuPaul’s Best Friend Race.

Valentina apologizes to the other queens for her fans’ behavior, and justifies her disconnect by explaining how distraught she was for months about her elimination and how disappointed Ru was in her. But, on the bright side, she says it was an excellent episode and she got the dramatic telenovela ending she’d wanted. Everyone laughs and applauds.

Speaking of Valentina drama, Ru brings up the Linda Evangelista moment and everyone has a wonderful time discussing how fun Aja’s “aggressive complimenting” was. RuPaul plays the amazing remix that was made of Aja’s crazy moment, and the two queens do a little impromptu performance to it.

The next conversation topic in tonight’s very special edition of RuPaul’s Cattiest Drama Race: Nina Bo’nina Brown’s paranoia. Nina is asked by Ru whether she could have potentially imagined all of the shit-talking that the girls were supposedly doing behind her back.

But of course, when asked who she’s referring to, she won’t name names. On the other hand, Shea and Kimora Blac accuse her of talking smack about them on her social media. Which she denies ever doing, despite apparent proof.

With that inconclusive argument out of the way, Ru once again lightens the mood with a fun surprise: a video message from Kris Jenner praising a stunned Alexis Michelle for her performance as the Mom-ager.

Oh, you thought the drama was over? Please. It shall never end! The top five confront each other over several harsh reads concerning their ball looks, namely the Rainbow and Village People outfits. Alexis apologizes for criticizing Sasha’s look while defending her own talents; Trinity keeps it real with Peppermint; and Shea tries to crack jokes. I’m going to spare you guys this section’s intricate details, because, I don’t know about you all, but I’m exhausted from all this petty drama.

Now, it’s time to crown this season’s fan-voted Miss Congeniality! Delivering the award is Cynthia Lee Fontaine, who happens to be last year’s winner. And it’s just as well because she has literally spoken like, 5 words total up till this moment.

And the winner is… Valentina! She starts to thank her mother for teaching her to be “congenial,” when suddenly… “WHAT?” screams Aja.

Yep. More drama. But this time, it’s admittedly pretty juicy.

Valentina is all smiles and explains she’s been nothing but kind to everyone. Who would interrupt then but the sweet Farrah Moan with this bombshell of a reveal.

Farrah says she thought they were the best of friends, and she hasn’t heard from Valentina in almost five months – with the exception of a few very brief and dismissive text messages.

Valentina tries to placate Farrah by saying she respects and loves her. Farrah’s response: “You don’t love me.”

Aja picks her jaw up off the floor and jumps back in, saying Valentina has clearly been voted the winner as a fan favorite, not Miss Congeniality.

Farrah agrees and initiates a round of applause for the “fan favorite.”

Everyone is cheering and applauding for “fan favorite,” RuPaul is laughing his ass off, Cynthia looks incredibly uncomfortable, and Valentina is just smiling through the whole thing. Y’all, if these aren’t some crazy twisted Mean Girls / Carrie shenanigans, I don’t know what’s going on. The whole scene is just baffling.

Valentina sits down, but Trinity Taylor continues on the subject by saying that Val does deserve fan favorite, as opposed to Miss Congeniality, which is not something she is. Farrah concurs.

This is just a beautiful picture. Miss Congeniality, holding up her trophy, telling her sad, lonely friend to shut up in front of everybody.

On that happy note, RuPaul announces that next week, at the finale, the four remaining queens will have to compete in a “sudden death lip-sync smackdown for the crown.” I’m not sure what that means, but I’m excited!

And with that, the reunion is finally over. You guys, I am drained, literally. That was exhausting. I think I’ve had enough drama to last me until season 12 now.

Next week, we (actually) find out who gets to be crowned America’s Next Drag Superstar. For reals. I’m excited. Are you? See you soon, my lovelies!