Here I sit on my couch putting fingers to keyboard only 21 minutes into 2012. Since my wife was out of town and my friends have either moved away or have become generally uninteresting, I rang in the new year by pausing my Netflix Bones marathon long enough to watch Dick Clark drop the ball and then taking my dog out for his first pee of the year. I’ve never been a wild and crazy party guy, and the older I get, the less willing I am to get T-boned by a drunken, hoochified housewife who’s out with the girls and driving angrily because she’s ticked off at her distant husband who just wanted to stay home and play Modern Warfare.

I got more than one bizarre food gift for Christmas this year, but this has to be the absolute worst. This little tin of Effervescent Bacon Drink Tabs was given to me by my wife. They belong in that category of products like Bacon Lube and Ranch Dressing Mints. Food-themed joke products, not actually meant for human consumption, that are to be placed in someone’s stocking. Which is where I found them.

I knew these were going to be epically terrible even before I broke the seal on the shrink wrap. How could they not be? Just the name alone is shudder-inducing. The word “effervescent” is one of the most beautiful words in the English language. Go ahead, say it aloud. Start the year off right. Nice, isn’t it? But the word should never ever be followed by the name of any meat. Effervescent venison. Fun to say, terrible to ingest.

Even though its sacrilege to declare such a thing on the internet, I must admit I am not really a fan of bacon. I never seek it out willingly and I’ll usually asked to have it removed from whatever hamburger I find myself ordering. It’s just whole lot of salt. You know it, I know it. Which is fine. If that is your vice, I am not going to fault you for it. To each his own in 2012. But when a food becomes a meme (we get it, you can put bacon on a lot of stuff), things need to be reined in a bit.

So yes, obviously, these are horrific. I dropped one in a glass of water, expecting to see an Alka-Seltzer type fizz bonanza. I didn’t get it. These undergo more of a slow bubbling decomposition that methodically turned my water flesh-colored. They left a frothy white foam at the top of the glass, and the whole thing reeked of dirty, greasy, pungent smoke. The water itself tasted like it smelled. I barely was able to stomach a sip.

The only value I can see in these is as a tool for pranksterism. Slip one into your friend’s beer and make sure you are fast enough to duck the spit take. Because there will be a spit take.

But on the bright side, we’ve started the year at the bottom of the barrel! There is no place to go but up. Enjoy the New Year everyone. I wish you all fun times and good eating! May your water be bacon free!