Turn Disrespect Into Admiration – Framework

I’ve put together a very simple framework to help you turn disrespect into admiration.

Fig 1: Turn Disrespect Into Admiration – Framework

To Deal With Disrespect Keep This One Golden Rule in Mind. Lead by Example.

Don’t despair, there is a golden rule to live by when dealing with this type of situation. In order to earn someone’s respect, you need to behave respectfully yourself no matter what is thrown at you. Otherwise known as leading by example. Never stoop to the same depths that the disrespectful people do. Always take the high road and set a good strong example. A common phrase you’ll here at the moment which explains it perfectly is “when they go low, you go high”.

This approach will begin to win people over immediately. In order to demonstrate your professionalism it is crucial to avoid getting sucked into arguments. Retaliating against a colleague who has provoked you is a big no-no and should be avoided at all costs.

Address Individuals – Have Private Conversations With Each Person

Identify the role they play in the group Plan a 1-1 conversation to address the issue Have the conversation

Next on your list of actions is to turn disrespect into admiration through individual conversations. The key is to be able to connect directly with people and build a strong relationship. Building strong connections will win your team members around – it is hard to be disrespectful to someone you actually like and enjoy working with.

In any group there will be extremes of behaviour, usually one ringleader and occasionally some close followers. If you’re dealing with multiple people being disrespectful, figuring out who is who in the dynamic is your next challenge. You can do this by observing their behaviour in front of others and when they are just with you.

Plan to have a conversation with each team member as needed. This might be a discussion where you directly address problematic behaviour. It might be a research exercise to determine the root cause, or you might just be keeping someone informed that you are working to improve the team atmosphere. In all cases you can ask for their support.

For each person make a few notes in advance of talking to them to help you through the conversation. Note what their role is in the team dynamic – is the disrespect coming from them? Or are they one of your supporters, or a bystander (the bystander effect is explored below).

Once you’re ready – have the conversation. I’ve prepared a five part series of printable mini-books that you can download to assist with these discussions if you need them. Simply click here to sign up with your email address and I’ll send you the first one right away.

Bystander Effect

The bystander effect is a well researched phenomenon which can mean that when people are in a group, that they won’t stand up and help an individual – or part of another group – due to the dynamic of their group. Psychology Today describes the explanation given by Latané and Darley who studied the 1964 New York murder of Kitty Genovese, in which witnesses did nothing to save her:

“Latané and Darley attributed the bystander effect to the perceived diffusion of responsibility (onlookers are less likely to intervene if there are other witnesses who seem likely to do so) and social influence (individuals monitor the behavior of those around them to determine how to act).”

PT also explains:

“The social paralysis described by the bystander effect has implications for how we behave not only on city streets filled with strangers, but any place where we work or socialize. When individuals relinquish responsibility for addressing a problem, the potential negative outcomes are wide-ranging—from minor household issues that housemates collectively avoid dealing with to violence and abuse that go unchecked.”

In terms of a work environment, occasionally workers will avoid standing up for a colleague who is being victimized due to their desire to ‘not get involved’ and to keep themselves safe.

Address the Team Through a Group Discussion

Individual conversations should take place before your group discussion if possible. This way you can win your team around on a personal basis before finalizing the issue during your group conversation.

The aim of this meeting is to put this issue to bed. Your messaging must be clear, non-judgmental, directed at everyone as a group and should not single anyone out. Even if you feel that you would just love to call the ringleader out, resist the temptation to do so. Remember that you are leading by example, and with professionalism.

Here is an example approach you can use, customize it to make it your own or do something different if you think it will work better:

Advise that you noticed some opportunities to optimize the way the team communicate with each other

Upon having individual conversations with team members this was confirmed and the general consensus was that everyone would like to have more respectful conversations

Let them know you would love to discuss this to find the best way forward

Ask the team for ideas on how they could achieve a respectful work environment, allow them to come up with ideas and encourage conversation

Do your best to keep the atmosphere light and as airy as possible

End with clarity on any actions that the team agree on, and if possible end the meeting on a happy note

Next time you have one to one meetings with your team ask them how things are going and thank them for their efforts. You may need to make some tweaks and revisit the group conversation at a future meeting.

What If This Doesn’t Resolve The Issue?

I really hope that you don’t find yourself in this situation. Unfortunately it might not be outside the realms of possibility, especially under very extreme circumstances. If the situation doesn’t change, or gets worse, you must address it.

Be certain you know who is playing what role in the dynamic and document any conversations you have by recording them in writing. You are now gearing up for disciplinary action.

Seek help from your HR department if you have one. If you don’t have one you may need to lean on your policies and possibly take some legal advice.

My Community Don’t Like Being Disrespected

I asked my community about how being treated disrespect makes them feel and how they deal with it – this is what they said:

I gave four options to pick from:

A: It makes me seethe with anger

B: It upsets me and makes me want to cry

C: I give them a taste of their own medicine

D: I have never noticed anyone being disrespectful to me

The overwhelming consensus on how it made them feel was A – seething anger. Some said A then C.

When asked to explain how they deal with it these were some of their answers: