SHIT, IN – Friday saw Carly Fiorina joined Ted Cruz in Some Hurting Industrial Town (SHIT) in Indiana for a major campaign announcement. The G.O.P. hopefuls unveiled several high level cabinet positions available for bidding thanks to a partnership with Ebay.

Carly Fiorina, the ousted CEO of HP and failed Republican nominee, opined that her recent colossal failures have removed the roadblocks of shame, and that pairing with Cruz was a match made in heaven:

“People keep asking me if joining the Cruz campaign stripped me of my dignity. I want to respond to those accusations right now and say: ‘how dare you!’. This reminds me of when I was CEO of Hewlitt Packard and we acquired Compaq who coincidentally resided in Ted Cruz’s home state. Now when I made the (albeit easy decision) to offshore thousands of jobs from Houston, people attacked me. But I did what I always do and I stood up for my convictions of outsourcing American jobs! And now as I stand before you I urge you all to join me in opening your wallets.”

Senator Cruz joined his vice president hopeful with plenty of praise as he revealed plans that are affordable enough for all Americans to have a role in his campaign:

“In this world, unlikable people need to stick together, after all isn’t that what being a Texan is all about? Now as Carly mentioned we have many high level positions such as Secretary of State and Attorney General available I want to reiterate that this is not about money, in fact we still have plenty of Cruz Crew Deputy Delegate name tags available for donations under $1,000.

This will be the first political appointment decided on Ebay, where the auction is set to start Monday, May 2nd and run until Sunday, May 8th.