Charleston, WV—

The Halfway Post reached out to a local group of Trump supporters who have gone viral on social media for filming themselves walking around their city and licking every door handle, bathroom faucet, water fountain, trash can lid, and fence post they can find.

“President Donald J. Trump told us last week that the number of cases of coronavirus would soon be zero because his administration has done such a tremendous job of keeping it totally contained, so we’re out here proving that!” exclaimed group leader Jane Shore, 41. “I’ve been licking everything from urinal cakes to rust spots on dumpsters, and I have literally never felt better! I’ve even asked every stranger I’ve seen out and about to come over and blow air in to my mouth, so take that, liberals! We are just owning the libs so bad. They want us to stay indoors, socially isolate ourselves, and wash our hands, but I’m not falling for any of that coastal elitist science bullshit! I’m not some Satan-humping atheist, and I believe in God and Jesus Christ. They would never let something bad happen to me, or Donald Trump’s poll numbers, so we’ve been out here for a week now proving once and for all that the coronavirus is a big atheist hoax to try and trick us good Christians into believing Trump isn’t God’s messenger on Earth! And I’ll stay out here licking things until the quarantine is lifted, or if this cough and fever I’m getting from seasonal allergies keeps getting worse.”

Other group members agreed that liberals were exaggerating the threat coronavirus poses to Americans.

“I trust my President!” exclaimed Danny Parson, 29, starting a chant for the group. “The stock market is plummeting, but I’ve actually taken out all my savings and bought a bunch of stocks because Trump told me the market was as strong as ever and because all the idiot Democrats have no idea what they’re talking about. I’ve literally lost all that money I’ve invested already because the market keeps tanking so much that it automatically shuts off every day, but I’m confident any minute now the market will correct and shoot up to record-breaking highs because of how competently and effectively Trump is handling the situation! I bet it will only be a few days until I’m a billionaire just like Trump. He got caught using charity donations as a personal slush fund, so you can tell he’s a real billionaire.”

Another group member was a little more passionate than the others.

“I’m so sick of these dumbass libtards always trying to get government involved in my life,” explained Phyllis Bowder, 59. “The free market will always give me cleaner water and air, healthier food, more complete healthcare, better roads, and higher wages than the government ever will. And if they don’t, that’s just my fault for not doing better research on which companies don’t kill their consumers. I’m a capitalist, not some kind of communist! So I don’t want the government to screw me over by trying to protect me. Same thing with this coronavirus. It is not the government’s job to tell us not to go out into public, or lick all around the base of toilets and sticky floors in bar bathrooms, or pull out the garbage bags in trash cans along the street so we can cut a whole in the bottom and drink all the liquids that come out. It’s just not! Liberals are always telling us what we can and can’t do, and what’s a public health threat and what’s not, and we’re all sick of it! Anything liberals say, we want to do the opposite. So Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders can shut up about their moronic healthcare reform ideas. I’m waiting for the free market to come up with its own coronavirus vaccine, and, until then, I don’t want the government to help at all. I just hope the free market hurries up because I have a major heart condition, and if I get the coronavirus I will probably die thanks to heart disease and my age. But I’m okay with dying because it would own the libs so hard. They don’t want me to lick public door handles or get the coronavirus and die, so it would be so hilarious if I did! Trump 2020!”

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