While I truly don’t begrudge the diet, there are plenty of people I now begrudge thanks to Whole30. Let me be a little more clear: every single person on the Whole30 subreddit.

Dieting is hard, especially when the diet is so confusing it needs its own headmistress. That’s why an online community of well-versed participants sounds like the perfect place to ask thoughtful questions and to receive and give encouraging motivation. That’s what I thought I’d find when I went to the Whole30 subreddit. What I actually found was a place that made me wish Al Gore had never had sex with a computer and thus invented the internet.

One user posted a question: “My mom was at a graduation ceremony and it was 90 degrees out. She felt faint so she had three Tic Tacs. She is wondering if she has to start Whole30 over or if she can just add time?”

Here’s how that question could be answered:

Rational Person: Of course not!

Compassionate Person: I hope your mother is feeling better. I think she should check in with her doctors about continuing Whole30. Better safe than sorry!

CEO of Tic Tacs: Your mother owes her life to us.

But here’s how it was answered:

Whole30 Subreddit: Yes, your dumbass mother has to start over from day one! Introducing ANY added sugars goes against the Whole30 scriptures! What makes you think your dumbass mother is so special that she’s above the law? She should’ve had three cyanide pills instead! Anyway, feel free to reach out with any more questions from your dumbass mom. Love to help!!! xoxo

This isn’t an isolated incident. Log on at any time of day and you’ll see posts about people thinking of leaving their spouses because they almost ended Whole30 on day 24 by having popcorn at the movies. Or people convincing others to skip birthday parties because cakes emit “sugar air,” and if you inhale too much of that, it’s the same thing as eating five slices. Or people seriously asking what happens if, when they’re sleeping, a spider carrying a soybean happens to crawl its way into their mouth.

When people say Whole30 is an elimination diet, you might think they’re referring to food groups, but what they’re really eliminating is intelligence, common sense, and the ability to eat spiders in our sleep without fear of what they’re carrying.