WASHINGTON—Apologizing for what they have unleashed by condemning the former Vice President’s past behavior, the U.S. populace issued a call Monday to let Joe Biden rub women’s shoulders again after seeing what he will do instead. “It’s not that the shoulder rub thing isn’t creepy, it is, but we didn’t realize the Pandora’s box that we opened by making him stop,” said Loveland, Colorado resident Virginia Dalton, claiming that while Biden smelling a woman’s hair had always grossed her out, seeing the 77-year-old biting his wife’s finger during a campaign event over the weekend shook her to the core. “It’s fine, just let him do it. Unsolicited shoulder rubs or touching a stranger’s lower back are not good, but at least they’re kind of normal. There is apparently no hope of him just acting okay, so let’s at least give him back the shoulder rubs, because God knows what horrors he will unleash upon women without that outlet.” At press time, the nation’s women were hastily promising Biden they would vote for him just so they could escape his advances.

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