Hailing it as “Three Days of Pieces and Music,” President Donald J. Trump breathlessly announced his first foray into the world of concert promotion at a rally this afternoon. “Bumpstock” a co production of the National Rifle association and Self Promotion, LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Trump Organization, is slated to take place at the end of October.

“It’s gonna be tremendous!” Trump announced in front of a crowd of adoring fans. “A real chance for gun owners, who don’t get the respect they deserve…and I mean it is sad how these brave, brave Americans are so under siege…to stand up and be heard! And they will be heard! Again and again! Until their extended magazines are all spent! Oh, and there is gonna be some great music too. The best, best people ever!”

Trump then clutched an enormous assault rifle in his tiny hands and waved it about energetically, causing chief of staff General John Kelly to dive for cover, pulling several cabinet members down with him. “Guns are great!” the President said, “I love guns! And so should you!” He then pointed to a group of protesters from the Black Lives Matter movement and said, “But not so much you.”

The concert will feature a slate full of genuine C list musicians and will be anchored by performances from Kid Rock and Ted Nugent. Also slated to appear are Wayne LaPierre and the Silencers and a novelty act known as Elton Jong, a North Korean artist expected to perform his famous “Little Rocket Man” act.

But perhaps the most exciting development, on the musical front, is the highly anticipated reunion of one of Alt-Right Rock’s most enduring legends. Conservative darlings Joe McCarthy and Right Wingz are expected to appear on stage for the first time since 2005 to perform a bevy of their greatest hits, including their AM radio smash “And You’ll Know We’re Americans (By Our Guns.).”

The event will not be just a spectacle of stunning entertainment. It will reportedly be chock full of activities for gun enthusiasts of all ages. The selected venue will have a shooting range, curated hunting environment and many carnival style games. These include a variation on the dart and balloon classic, modified to involve automatic weapons and a game called “Hunt the Liberal” in which a target bearing the likeness of Hillary Clinton navigates an extremely crooked path, across a wide field of fire.

Proceeds from this once in a lifetime event will be split evenly between the presenting organizations. The National Rifle Association is expected to use the money for its many charitable programs, such as Triggers for Tots, the handgun upgrade program and bankrolling the RNC. The Donald J. Trump Foundation is expected to use the money to provide inspiring artwork for cash strapped golf clubs all around the world.

Tickets for the, just announced, event are already selling briskly, as every Republican in Congress is eager for a front row seat. Most notable however, are some expected high profile absences from the event. Missing will be the late Charlton Heston and any sense of morals or responsibility among elected Republican officials.

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And They’ll Know We’re Americans (By Our Guns) used by kind permission of A Cast of Thousands.