Now, most of us know what a trans exclusionary radical feminist, aka TERF looks like. We’ve seen them celebrating the death of yet another trans teen, or preventing essential medical care for transpersons, or simply trying to stop them from going to the toilet. BUT, not every TERF is so open about their hateful murdering bigotry. There are those who fly under the radar, who hide in plain sight… who walk among us.

Are YOU harbouring a secret TERF? Perhaps you work with one. Perhaps one is your friend, or perhaps you even have one participating in your intersectional feminist discussion forum. It is essentially that these closet TERFs are rooted out. For until they are exposed and ostracised for their oppressive opinions, it will not be possible to educate them to the rightful path of intersectionality.

To help us in our efforts, here is a list of telltale signs to look out for when seeking a secret TERF:

Does she like to make distinctions between sex and gender, suggesting one is biological while the other is a social construct? Does she talk about chromosomes or biology like they’re important? Is she still referring to transwomen as transwomen instead of just ‘women’, or referring to ciswomen simply as ‘women’ or even more suspiciously, ‘womyn’? Does she go a bit quiet when Fallon Fox comes up in conversation? Does she opine that intersectionality has more to do with race and class than gender identity?

Does she hesitate to applaud the stylishness and glamour of Caitlyn Jenner’s latest outfit?

Does she ask for citations over statistics regarding the violence and suicide involving transpeople, or suggest that intersectional factors like race, class or sexuality might be relevant?

Does she ask for citations?

Does she read material written by second wave feminists? Did she decline to burn her copy of The Female Eunuch when requested?

Does she associate with known TERFs who have been already been sniffed out and ejected from your social circles? Has she refrained from blocking them immediately on social media or joining in letter writing campaigns to get them fired or expelled?

Has she hesitated to agree that a child under eighteen should be given gender confirmation surgery?

Has she ever suggested that a child below the age of ten should not be given gender confirmation surgery?

Does she have a large pentacle incorporating a picture of Janice Raymond upon any of the walls in her home? Does she or does she not follow Danielle Muscato on Twitter? Has she ever neglected to retweet her?

Does she regard the porn industry and prostitution fundamentally exploitive and fostering the objectification of women? SWERFs tend to have TERFish sympathies. Drop the words ‘Nordic Model’ into conversation and see where she goes with it. Has she ever begun a statement with the words ‘Of course transpeople should be protected from violence and discrimination with regards to employment, healthcare and housing, but…’

Has being in her presence caused any nursing men to experience difficulties with chestfeeding?

Have any of the pre operative, male presenting, non dysphoric women in your social circle experienced erectile dysfunction after speaking with the potential TERF?

Does she appear uncomfortable about changing clothes alongside a transperson? If so, next time look carefully to see if she has any large moles about her body, these may in fact be ‘teats’, from which TERFs are known to suckle one another as they reinforce their cisprivilege. Has she yet to vocally affirm that there can be no greater oppression than that suffered by a closeted trans lesbian, trapped in the body of a wealthy, white male industrialist?

How many pets does she have? If she has cats, are they black, does she talk to them? If she has more exotic pets, like a goat or a bat or a squirrel then there’s a good chance she’s a TERF, especially if they appear to converse with her. Be especially vigilant for her pets suckling at her TERF teat, that’s a total giveaway.

Look in her fridge, have either the milk, cheese or butter spoiled before their expiration date? Has she visited your home only for you to discover the milk had spoiled afterwards? (This test doesn’t work so well with vegan TERFs).

Does she live in a house made of gingerbread? This might not be apparent, it may be necessary to gnaw at one of the door frames.

Place a box of organic eggs next to her and see if any of them hatch.

Listen carefully to her speech patterns and her voice, does she emit a low buzzing noise similar to a bee or a wasp?

Hide some coins in a flower pot and hide it in her front garden, check back in thirteen days to see if the coins have turned into pebbles, or seashells.

Once certain, don’t be afraid to accuse her publicly. If she doesn’t recant, and refuses to accept leniency in exchange for informing on her fellow terfbians, paint the words ‘DIE CIS SCUM’ upon her front door in red paint, then form a group to follow her everywhere she goes chanting TERF! TERF! TERF!, ideally large bells should be rung as you do so, especially at her place of employment or education.

These individuals must be stopped, because their poisonous thoughts are what lead directly to the murders of transpeople. That’s right, if left unchecked, their wicked exclusionary thoughts will cause cis men (though not all men) to attack transgender individuals.

They stand in the way of life saving boob jobs, they misgender unborn children, and perpetuate harmful myths about transpeople not being the most oppressed minority throughout the history of humanity.

Worst of all, they prioritize the needs of ciswomen, thereby distorting the true meaning of feminism. Do not suffer a TERF to live.

Or tweet.

