I feel like this is cheesy, stupid, and really weird, but at this point, I'll take what safe and non-harmful forms of healthy comfort that I can get, even if it means being cheesy and weird.



I’m not DID but I do have parts. Ego states. All mixed up inside. Trauma therapists have told me everyone has ego states, and when trauma happens, the ego states are not as integrated. Recovery involves re-integrating those states. One way to do that is to have one part of myself communicate with another part. This was a hard idea to get my head around since I’m not DID, but once I got it, it worked. I can’t explain it very well right now.



Some people do versions of this exercise by writing what their adult self would say with one hand, and then other parts of self would write with the other hand. Or they do it in different Colorado. I can’t really bring myself to write anything that my inner kid or teenage would say. I know what those parts of me would say, but I can’t write it. I just write out how I would want an adult to respond. So I write this as a letter to those parts of me.



I’m really triggered today. After a long day of work, I went for a walk, and I felt some of the really intense feelings about childhood neglect that are stirred up by not being heard by some critical people in my life now.



I’m trying to do this therapeutic exercise I did before that really helped. It’s is the weirdest / cheesiest thing. It’s basically where I write a letter to myself as if I were writing it to the actual me when I was a kid or a teenager. I just figured out how to do this about 2 weeks ago in an intensive treatment program. I haven’t been able to do it since I left. The past 6 weeks have been some of the worst of my life.



I have been scared to do this exercise, terrified really. Somehow my head associated doing this exercise, writing a letter to my wounded parts of self, with really confusing sense of loss.



All the same, I still think doing this would help, once I get past the initial start of it. I’m confusingly scared to do this without sharing it with anyone. I usually feel so scared to share stuff with anyone, so this is REALLY confusing. Maybe it makes me really screwed up. Maybe I just need to be heard somewhere. Maybe it’s both things. ’m posting it here because it feels just enough connected to others without taking the risk to share it with anyone in my life offline.



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Dear inner kid jmh,



I hear you, I see you. Your mom and dad didn’t. You cried and cried for help. Your heart cried out so much. You cried with all you had. Every fiber of your being. There was no one that came. No one that protected you, held you close, made you feel better. You felt so much fear. Terror. It felt like your being existence was in danger of ceasing to be. No one heard you then. You were a little kid and you were so scared. I remember all that fear, I feel it now. You are still with me now. You, that cried so hard, and then went so numb. I remember how you questioned if you were real at all when you were a kindergartener. I remember you screaming for mom to come rescue you when you were hurt. And she didn’t come.



You are here, you are a part of me, and it’s ok. I know there has been some big loses recently, and all this same old fear and anger is stirred up now. It’s really confusing.



I’m all grown up now. I can’t change what has happened. I wish so much I could change it all. I can’t. But I can help you. I can protect you. I remember so many times all that fear, when it was so scary to even exist. So much pain. If anyone responded at all, it was to hurt you. I know it was confusing. I know you had that sense that if they were hurting you, even if that is all you could get, at least they were responding. It was still so awful and so scary.



You are not broken. You are here and you are hurting and it’s ok to hurt. There is a lot of reasons why you are hurting. I can’t make all the hurt go away. I wish so much that I could. I can be with you in it. That’s all I have really got. Me, here with you. I’m listening to you. I have been trying to shove all this pain away, but I will listen to you. I will help you get through.



I don’t really know if it will get better or not. I hope it does. But it’s worth it to keep staying in life. It is worth it. This time, I’m not going to go anywhere. I can’t promise that anyone else will stay, but I can promise that I will work so hard to stay with you, with myself, and be really fully present with you, with all of me. As much as possible.



Another part of me has been looking for a way to meet your pain in all the wrong ways lately. I have been doing almost anything to feel a little better, and somehow, shutting you out. That part of me is like the abused woman who keeps going back to her abuser because she is too scared to be alone and doesn’t think she deserves any better. I know, I see how that part of me has been in charge lately. I am going to work with what that part of me needs and wants, and handle those desires in a way that doesn’t drive all of me back to the abuser. Because you, this part of me that was so hurt as a kid – you need me. You need to be kept safe. You need to be kept far away from all the bad guys. You need some space and time to heal. You need to be heard.



I’m here.



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I feel better. Not happier, but more settled and ok. Weirdest thing ever. All I did was write a letter to myself.



It’s hard to think of what to say. I can’t bs myself very well, so I write only what would be real for myself. I don’t know. What would you say to yourself as a kid or teenager getting through childhood trauma?