I’ve picked up a few new readers in recent months, so permit me to start from the beginning. When I was a kid, I didn’t really watch scary movies. For starters, my folks were pretty influential in what I did and didn’t watch as a child. They weren’t all that big on scary movies, and therefore I wasn’t either. As I grew up, their decision to omit the scary movies from my film literacy became a bit prophetic because it turns out I was pretty easy to scare (I kept my face hidden as I rode through the Haunted Mansion at Disney World gang). Was I a pussy because I has no spine? Or was I a pussy because I wasn’t developing a tolerance?

As time passed and I grew older, I started to gain a bit of nerve. On Halloween night of 1993 I decided to test that nerve by watching THE EXORCIST for the first time. I believe the experience at the time would qualify as what the kids these days are calling an “Epic Fail”. I had to turn it off – didn’t even come close to getting through it.

What went wrong? Well a few things. First and foremost, there’s the fact that I was raised Catholic. So while I wasn’t educated to see Satan as some sort of all powerful boogieman, I was present for many pagent-laden rituals. Seeing the darkest of them all unfolding on a TV screen did a fast job of tap-dancing on what religious nerves I had left in my body.

Beyond that, there’s that name. The possessed girl in this story, played so very memorably by Linda Blair? Her character’s name is Reagan MacNeil. And now that I’m not hiding behind a Lewis Carrol handle anymore, you all know that my name is Ryan McNeil. That’s pretty damned close folks…one lousy syllable off. It’s a little unnerving when a character in a film has a name close to your own; far worse when that character goes through what Reagan goes through.

Last but not least, there was the sound. When someone is trying to endure a scary movie, the obvious solution is to close your eyes when the really frightening stuff appears on-screen. However, with the exorcist, it wasn’t just what I was seeing that was screwing me up…what I was hearing was worse. I could feel it in my fillings and it upset me for reasons I couldn’t explain. It was if someone was making me listen to a kitten being drowned. As time passed, I found out what was going on.

The sound of THE EXORCIST…the Academy Award winning sound of THE EXORCIST…has faint effects laced into the especially disturbing parts. Turns out to screw with people and up the creep factor, there are sounds of angry bees and audio caught on a slaughterhouse floor mixed in, Gee, I wonder why the sound of this film was unnerving me?

Over the years, I tried to man-up and come back to it. I was determined, especially as I got older and my film literacy increased. I was lured by its status as a classic…intrigued by the fact that it was the only horror film ever to be nominated for Best Picture. But try as I might folks, I just. couldn’t. do it. I tried in broad daylight. I tried to go a little bit at a time. I tried plugging my ears. Dear friends, I tried it all – but all of those reasons I mentioned above just seemed too much to get around.

So this weekend, I got as close as I’m ever going to get. I rented the film and popped it on. In order to get around the upsetting element, I decided to drop the volume all the way down and turn on the subtitles. Of course, sitting on my couch in silence for two hours would be wildly ridiculous, so I decided to get a bit creative. I grabbed my doufy headphones and cued up the score to THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. I had to listen to it twice through, but y’know what gang? It fit pretty darned well!

So that’s my story folks – I’ve finally soaked up THE EXORCIST as much as I ever will. I fully admit that this half-assed experience still makes me seem like a giant pussy, but on the plus side I’ve managed to handle horror films much harsher than this without problem. Sure some still give me the heebie-jeebies, but none have ever sent me scrambling for the remote like this one always would.

So make fun of me if you must…but you can’t say I haven’t tried to face my fear.