Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence, Coronavirus Czar, just publicly released a brochure he says is full of the best, up-to-date medical advice on dealing with the coronavirus.

However, health professionals across America immediately described the pamphlet as “absurd,” “wildly unsanitary,” and “spectacularly ill-advised.”

The following is the brochure’s list of top ten coronavirus-related recommendations Pence authored:

Don’t wash your hands! Germs spread much more easily when your hands have been recently washed because your skin acts like a slip-n-slide on which the germs can slide right off your fingers into vulnerable entry points of your body like your eyes, nose and mouth. Sneeze into your hands so you can keep any germs locked into your closed fist in order to throw them away the next time you pass a trash can. Pray every night and morning. God will never let a good Christian patriot in America get a communist illness from China! Cough in people’s faces to help clean each other. The wind force power generated by your lungs will blow off any germs lurking on your friends’ and family members’ faces that they don’t even know are there. Your lungs clean the air in your body, so any air coughed out on others’ faces is likely much cleaner than the air all around us. Stand very close to strangers in public places. When a bunch of human bodies are clumped together, you have better odds that the coronavirus will choose to infect someone other than you. Stop drinking water. When your body is hydrated you urinate more, and when you’re urinating your body is exposed for coronavirus to sneak in through your urethra. Poop in the street. The coronavirus can hide in old, antiquated city pipes and wait to get you when you least suspect it by sneaking right into your anus. Keep your toilet lid closed, and seal it with tape to keep coronavirus out of your home until at least the month of April. If you’re a good Christian, help keep your community safe by licking door handles, subway and bus handrails, and all other often-touched public surfaces. God will protect you and kill any coronavirus germs you get in your mouth or stomach, and this will help clean public places so even the non-Christians are better protected against coronavirus. They don’t deserve it, but if all the non-Christians die from this pandemic we will have no one left to judge, and that’s just not fun! Drink your urine. Your pee is sterile, and you just can’t trust coronavirus to stay out of our water supply. The more times you recycle your urine back into your body, the cleaner it gets, so you can stay alive for months at a time if you’re just careful to preserve all your pee. Act like coronavirus isn’t happening. President Donald Trump’s reelection depends on a healthy stock market, so it is imperative that stocks don’t continue to decline like they have been. No matter how bad things get, always do your duty to Trump and act like everything is fine, because the positive perception of the stock market’s health is much more important than real humans’ health in order to Make America Great Again.

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