Hello girls! Are you a fan of an NFL franchise?

Would you like to attend a special training camp just for you? Sure!

If you are the wife or mother of an NFL player, would you like a special website full of generic career advice and articles about the "ladies of the gridiron"? Fantastic!

Would you like to wear a special lady version of your favorite NFL team's jersey, complete with a commercial that I think is supposed to be "inspiring?" OF COURSE YOU DO!

But if your NFL running back husband drags your unconscious body out of an elevator after punching you, after you attend a press conference at which you apologize for getting punched, will the NFL finally take a stand on domestic violence and punish your husband more harshly than if he had tested positive for a performance-enhancing substance?

OF COURSE NOT.

The NFL will suspend Ray Rice for two games. He will miss games against the Steelers and the Bengals, and will be eligible for reinstatement on Sept. 12. The article linked in this paragraph indicates that this suspension will be very hard on the Ravens as they try to establish the rush this season*.

This is absolute bullshit -- if you are a normal human being.

But the NFL knows better than you!

See, the NFL knows that drugs are bad, but punching your fiancée in the face is not as bad. Daryl Washington was suspended for a year -- not for breaking his girlfriend's collarbone, but for drugs! Because drugs are bad! Uniform violations are bad! Pre-touchdown celebrations are bad! But domestic violence is apparently not as bad!

NFL Network just referred to Ray Rice two-game suspension as "the iron fist of the NFL." It would be funny if it weren't so offensive. — Michael David Smith (@MichaelDavSmith) July 24, 2014

This isn't an Iron Fist. This is the Aluminum Wrap Wrist Slap.

The NFL doesn't have a domestic violence problem -- it has a "solution to domestic violence" problem, because its solution is "you will miss two early-season games and get fined." And apparently this isn't lenient enough!

The NFL sees women as an audience and as a marketing target, but not as "people." They will sell us jerseys and they will hold very special camps for us to explain what a "wide receiver" is because HOW ELSE COULD WE POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE LABYRINTHINE MYSTERIES OF THIS COMPLEX SPORT.

But if our NFL player partner beats us into a pulp, well, hopefully missing those two games will make you think very, very hard about how you shouldn't have dragged your wife by the hair. I'm sure Ahmad Brooks thinks daily about the time he punched a woman in the face and caused her to black out every time he gets on the field.

So thanks, NFL. It's always good to remember that no matter how much women care about this sport, you will continue to not give a shit about women.

*Which is obviously my tip-top concern.