Okay.

Alright.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay.

I began this…thing…two years ago with a fairly modest goal. I wanted to review every movie in the Disney canon to see which would be the best one to show my baby daughter (who was one month old at the time and who is now singing and swinging from monkey bars and talking back and doing all kinds of magic). I was going to do short reviews. Maybe a paragraph or two, once a week. And maybe a few of my friends would read them and say “Oh, I remember that one.” That was the plan.

The plan did not turn out as planned. Unshaved Mouse has become something far beyond what I ever could have imagined it becoming. The friends I’ve made here, the encouragement and support I’ve gotten from all of you, the sheer fun and joy and satisfaction this project has given me is hard for me to put into words, and putting stuff into words is something I do on a semi-professional basis. This is starting to sound a lot like a goodbye, and it’s not one. But, I do think that this is a fitting place to stop the music and thank the audience. Thank you all. Thank you all so much.

And however far removed this blog is now from what it began as, it did achieve its original mission. Because whenever I ask my daughter if she wants to watch a movie, she answers with three words: “Let it go”.

The first Disney movie that we ended up showing her, and that she was actually old enough to watch all the way through, is today’s movie. I found what I was looking for at the very end of the canon.

Well. It’s always in the last place you look.

Disney have been trying to wrestle a version of Hans Christian Anderson’sonto the big screen since, no lie, 1937. The original conception was for a co-production with Samuel Goldwyn based on the life of Anderson, with Goldwyn handling the life action footage and Disney providing animated sequences for various Anderson stories such asandThat movie never got made because of, well, you know…

World War 2. The only war in history to kill almost as many movies as people.

Anyway, the concept bounced around for decades with people as diverse as Glen Keane and Harvey Fierstein all pitching versions that never got off the ground. Why? Well it’s kind of tricky to adapt faithfully to the big screen seeing as it’s kind of Jesusy. Jesusy movies are almost impossible to get right, as you’re inevitably going to take fire from both the people who object to it being Jesusy and the people who object to it not being their particular brand of Jesusy.

The project was finally kicked into life with John Lasseter’s assuming control of Disney Animation in 2006. Lasseter was determined to bring Disney back to their roots, and The Snow Queen seemed like a prime candidate. Chris Buck (one of the director’s on Tarzan) was brought in to direct. Crucially, Buck’s interest in making the film was not necessarily from the source material, but from a desire to explore a concept of true love different from that was usually depicted in Disney movies.

The script for the movie that became Frozen started out as a more or less conventional retelling of the Snow Queen story, (although less-Jesusy, obviously) but the characters were found to be pretty flat and the movie (at that time titled Anna and the Snow Queen) stalled again. Then inspiration hit.

Okay, I know the fighting between the Team Frozen and Team Tangled has been bloody and bitter. They stole our mascot, we TP’d their treehouse. They pelted us with ice in the streets, we broke into their homes at night and shaved their heads. They wrote Elsa/Sven slashfic in the very poorest taste, we burned their cities to the ground and salted the earth. Things escalated quickly, no question. But, my fellow Team-Frozeners, in the interest of peace and reconciliation I say we must do something. We can continue to maintain (as I do) that Frozen is the better movie. But we must have the grace to admit thatowes Tangled

BIG TIME.

success lit a fuse under the movie, prompting a title change to the more catchy, gender neutralAnd then came the first big breakthrough, the decision to make Anna and The Snow Queen. Jennifer Lee, one of the writers on Wreck It Ralph was brought on board and took that idea and ran with it, drawing on her own relationship with her sister until this one detail of the movie became The Movie

How did it turn out?

I imagine you already have an opinion on that.

So the movie begins with some lovely, atmospheric Sami chanting which sets the tone beautifully before the movie segues into Frozen Heart, probably the most overlooked song in the movie. That’s a shame not just because it’s a lovely piece but because it sets up some very important motifs, both musical and lyrical, that pay off later on down the line. We see a young blonde Sami named Kristoff and his pet reindeer Sven trying to harvest ice with zero adult supervision and my God these kids need to be taken into protective troll custody ASAP. Meanwhile, in Arrendelle Castle, Princess Anna (Olivia Stubenrauch) wakes her sister Elsa (Eva Bella) because “The sky’s awake. So I’m awake. So we have to play.”

Elsa at first tells Anna to screw off and let her go back to sleep but then Anna asks her slyly “You wanna build a schnowmaaaaan?”

They run downstairs and Elsa uses her magical ice powers to turn the ballroom into a winter wonderland and fuck up the floorboards just forever. Alright, this scene is really important in my eyes because it is utterly, utterly sweet. Disney hasn’t done anything this purely sweet in decades. Now, of course, there’ve been plenty of sweet moments in other more recent movies. But this is old-school Disney sweetness. Almost bordering on saccharine but just on the right side. There is nothing undercutting it. No snark. No eye-eyerolling. Even Tangled, which was on the whole a very sweet movie, had that faint air of Dreamworks sass, a kind of winking at the audience that is completely absent here. I think the reason why this movie connects with so many people is that it is enormously sentimental but utterly sincere about it. It feels like the first canon movie in a dog’s age that’s not worried about being uncool. It does not give a solitary fuck if you think it’s sappy or old-fashioned or square. It is completely comfortable in its own identity, which of course is the coolest thing of all.

Also, major props to Stubenrauch and Bella who both do phenomenal work here. Things go pear-shaped however, when Elsa tries to save Anna from falling and ends up hitting her with her ice magic. Elsa yells for her parents and they come running. King Agdar grabs his old D&D map and they all go riding off through the forest looking for the trolls, kind hearted forest creatures who heal people cursed by magic.

Grandpoppy the Troll King (Ciarán Hinds) heals Anna by mindwiping all memory of magic from her little frozen noggin and tells her parents that she’ll be okay.

But what to do with Elsa? Too icy for girl town, too much of a girl for ice town. The child was an outcast. So, they lock her up in her bedroom and feed her a bucket of fish-heads once a week.

Okay, all joking aside, I think we need to clean up a few misconceptions about what happens in this montage and why the King and Queen aren’t actually the awful parents a lot of people claim they are. So, let’s review some of the charges against them.

They didn’t. We see Elsa outside her room several times. Elsa refuses to play with Anna when the two of them are alone because she’s afraid of hurting her again but there’s no indication that her parents are keeping the two of them apart.

Yeah. He’s paternalistic. He’s her frickin’ dad. But cut the guy some slack. It’s not like he has a manual for this stuff. All that he knows is that Elsa loses control of her emotions and things get Title of Movie. We know that the key to Elsa controlling her cryokinesis is good old fashioned wuv but how was he supposed to know that?

Okay, the movie only has itself to blame for the confusion over this one. It’s kind of suggested that the King Troll wiped Anna’s memory to reverse the effects of the spell and that if she ever remembered what happened she’d freeze again but then later on she remembers everything and is fine so what even the hell? (this is also the one that has the least explanation in-film so I’m going to have to extrapolate a little). Firstly, I do think that wiping her memory was necessary to heal Anna, but that once she was healed there wasn’t any risk in telling her that Elsa has powers. Correction, there wasn’t any risk to Anna. I want you to remember the first question the King Troll asks Elsa’s parents; “Born with the powers, or cursed?” This tells us something. Elsa is not an anomaly. There are others like her, people born or cursed with powers beyond their control. Now how would a pre-industrial European society react to people in their midst with strange, uncontrollable magical powers?

Yeah. When it’s clear that her powers are becoming uncontrollable, Elsa’s parents shut the palace doors, keeping only a few loyal retainers on staff. Because if word gets out amongst the citizenry, things could get very ugly. Like, Salem ugly. And as a genuine rule, if you have a secret that your daughter’s life depends on not getting out, there are two kinds of people you don’t tell; Jimmy the Squealer and six-year old girls.

This is why they didn’t tell Anna. Yes, she could probably be trusted to keep the secret and not share it with anyone or let it slip out…but how is that worth risking Elsa’s life over?

Yeah, she’s a stinker. But think about it for a minute. This movie has rightly been noted as a rather perfect LGBTQ parable (has there ever been a better coming out anthem than Let it Go?). And as already mentioned, revealing that she has powers is not so much “coming out” as “coming out in UGANDA.” Elsa’s probably terrified that Anna will reject her. The fact that they’re family doesn’t make coming out easier. I makes it so, so, so, so much harder.

Do You Wanna Build a Snowman? Now, I’ve already gone into detail Frozen adds two all-time classics to the Disney songbook and this right here is one of them. Over the course of this song we see things go from bad to worse in the royal household. Anna is Title of Movie out of her sister’s life and starts going crazy with isolation. This sequence, of course takes place as background toNow, I’ve already gone into detail here as to why this song is a goddamn weapon of mass emotional destruction so I’m just going to say thatadds two all-time classics to the Disney songbook and this right here is one of them. Over the course of this song we see things go from bad to worse in the royal household. Anna is Title of Movie out of her sister’s life and starts going crazy with isolation.

Meanwhile Elsa tries to control her powers by becoming more and more emotionally withdrawn. And then, on a voyage to attend Rapunzel and Flynn’s wedding (yeah, I buy this fan theory), the King and Queen’s ship goes down despite the best efforts of the captain.

Funeral. Sad Anna. Do you want to build a snowman? Mouse cries like a banshee.

A few years later everyone in Arrendelle is getting ready to party most hearty because Elsa is now old enough to assume the throne, thereby becoming the first Disney princess to actually become a Queen.

Ambassadors from all around the world have also arrived in Arrendelle, including representatives from France, Italy and even Ireland. And considering this movie is set in the 1840s, the Irish ambassador was probably only too glad to make the trip.

We’re also introduced to the Duke of Weselton who’s very curious as to why Arrendelle shut its gates all those years ago and is played by Alan Tudyk. And after the last character Alan Tudyk played you can bet I’ve got my eye on this guy.

But nobody is as excited about the coronation as Anna, who is giddy at the thought of actually having real person people to talk to (instead of just the mannequin village that she’s assembled in the attic) and runs through the palace singing The First Time In Forever. I don’t actually think there is a single bad song in this movie (no, not even the one you’re thinking of), in my opinion they range from “good” to “serious contender for the best thing ever”. First Time In Forever falls somewhere in the middle of the pack, not quite hitting the giddy heights of Wanna Build a Snowman? but still very good. The contrast between Anna’s glee and Elsa’s utter dread is brilliantly contrasted with the use of the same line to give a very different meaning : “It’s agony to wait!”/”It’s agony to wait…” And Kirsten Bell as Anna is just adorkable. In fact, despite the absolutely phenomenal work by Idina Menzel, I have to credit Bell as this cast’s MVP. She rocks this so hard.

Anyway while Anna is strutting around town she gets whalloped by Hans of the Southern Isles (Santino Fontano) riding his horse. Hans apologises and the two have an instantaneous attraction (the best kind. It’s so convenient). The coronation goes off mostly without a hitch and at the party afterwards Elsa seems to be more relaxed and at ease. But when Anna suggests that, hey, maybe we don’t live like shut-in crazy people anymore? Elsa puts the the boot down and Anna wanders off and runs into Hans. They spend the rest of the night talking and swapping sibling stories, and he tells her how he has twelve older brothers and that three of them pretended he was invisible for two years. Pff. Big deal. My brother built a machine that actually turned me invisible for two years.

“

This leads us into Love is an Open Door, a peppy little duet between Hans and Anna where they sing about their shared love of sandwiches. By the time it’s finished, Hans has proposed and Anna gleefully accepts for he is totes dreamy.

Of course, before she can marry Anna needs the blessing of someone very important to her.

No, Elsa of course. Anna asks for permission to Hans and Elsa tells her that she can’t marry someone that she’s just met.

I’ll get into the way this movie deals with the notion of love at first sight later on, for now let’s just continue with the scene. Anna and Elsa argue and Elsa tells everyone that the party’s over. Anna has a real “I can’t go back to the nothing” moment and desperately pleads with Elsa saying “I can’t live like this anymore!”

And Elsa looks her in the eye and whispers “Then leave.”

Boom.

This line, this line right here. I love this line so much because of how emotionally devastating it is both coming and going. It’s devastating for Anna because she thinks her sister is rejecting her and it’s devastating for Elsa because there is nothing she wants more than to show her sister how much she loves her but she can’t. And the guilt and regret and desperation that Idina Menzel manages to work into those two words…I love this film in case I’ve been unclear on that point.

Anyway, Elsa tries to leave and Anna yells at her “What are you so afraid of?!” and Elsa finally loses control of her powers in the most public way imaginable.

The Duke of Weselton freaks out and starts throwing around words like “Monster!” and “Sorcery!” in a distressingly cavalier manner. Elsa runs outside in panic and terrifies the townspeople when she freezes the fountain and makes her escape running across the ocean like a frosty Jesus. Arrendelle is now Title of Movie and caught under a permanent snowfall and Anna calls for her horse so that she can go after Elsa. Hans is worried but Anna assures him that Elsa’s not dangerous.

Hans agrees to look after Arrendelle while she’s gone (wow, what a nice guy) and Anna rides off on her horse who is not named in the movie but who I have decided to call Zebra Neck.

Meanwhile in the mountains, Elsa sings a song called Let it go.

It’s fine.

But dammit, it’s no Am I Feeling Love!

Ha ha…

Guys? Guys it was a joke.

I’m sorry. I am very, very sorry.

Okay, here are my thoughts on Let it go. It’s not (in my opinion) the best Disney song. It’s up there. Definitely. No question. If you told me this was the best Disney song I could very, very respectfully disagree with you on that. It is, however (again, in my opinion) the best performance of a Disney song. Idina Menzel tops them all here. Better than Jodi Benson singing Part of Your World, better even than Tony Jay’s rendition of Hellfire. The emotional agility she displays here is jaw-dropping.

“Snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen” Lonely.

“A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen.” Bitterly ironic.

“This wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried.” Regretful.

“Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be” Angry.

“Conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well now they know!” Devastated.

“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back any more.” Barely controlled panic.

“Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door.” Defiant.

“I don’t care, what they’re going to say.” Satisfied.

“Let the storm rage on.” Joyful.

“Cold never bothered me anyway.” Bad. Fucking. Ass.

And she hits every single note perfectly. I don’t really think there’s anything else I can say about this song that hasn’t been said already in a million different articles. Let’s be honest, this is the reason this movie is a cultural phenomenon and not just another very good Disney movie. This song is what made Frozen a generational touchstone. This is the song that my daughter asks to hear again and again, and that she has worked out an elaborate choreographed dance routine to go along with it. And, may I remind you, she’s frickin’ two.

All I can say is, Disney better hurry up with the Broadway version cause I really, really want to see this performed onstage.

On an entirely unrelated topic, let’s take a moment to remember the great horses of the Disney canon. Achilles from Hunchback of Notre Dame . Khan from Mulan . Maximus from Tangled. Although they only played a supporting role, they were true heroes. Loyal, wise, and fearless.

And then there’s Zebra Neck.

broad daylight, when some snow falls off a branch. If Zebra Neck was in a theatre and someone yelled “fire!” he’d trample his own mother to get to the exit. He is just the worse kind of craven coward. Heck, Philippe in Beauty and the Beast may have abandoned Maurice in the woods but at least there were actual wolves and it was a scary forest in the middle of the night. And he did at least go back. Zebra Neck panics and ditches Anna in the mountains, in, when some snow falls off a branch.

Anna finds Wandering Oaken’s Trading Post (ooh, and sauna!) which is run by Oaken, who has a big bushy brown moustache and eyebrows and talks in an outrageous Scandinavian accent wait just a damn minute here!

Here she runs into the now adult Kristof (Jonathan Groff) who’s in a bad mood because he sells ice for a living and Elsa has put him out of business with her frosty shenanigans. His day goes from bad to worse when he calls Oaken a crook for jacking up his prices (and you would think an ice-seller would understand the concept of supply and demand) and gets thrown out. Anna buys the supplies he wanted and gives them to him on condition that he takes her up the mountain.

No, that he takes her up the mountain… that he brings her up the mountain. With his sled. And his reindeer. Alright?

Y’all have dirty minds. And besides, may I remind you that she’s engaged?

In fact the impending nuptials soon come up in conversation and Kristof is aghast that she’s decided to marry someone she just met. He asks her what will happen if it turns out Hans is into stuff that she doesn’t like, like picking his nose and eating it (and Bell’s indignant line reading of “Excuse me sir, he is a prince.” is just glorious). Now, I’ve heard some people complaining about this scene (“yes, marrying someone you just met is stupid WE GET IT”) but I am actually really glad the movie takes as much time as it does to drive this home, especially considering how an entire generation of young girls have taken this movie to heart. Guys, I love Disney. Obviously. To an obsessive, dangerous degree. But the notion that love is something that just happens instantaneously and not as a result of weeks, months and years of patient building of trust, respect and loyalty is not just a silly romantic idea. It’s fucking dangerous. And if this movie takes a good long time to make that very, very clear to its target audience (especially given some of the movies that have come before in the canon) then I am absolutely on board with that. I am on board and catching a tan on the deck.

And I also don’t think that her infatuation with Hans weakens Anna as a character. I think it makes perfect sense that someone who’s been so isolated and desperate for affection would fall so completely for someone, especially a slab of doe-eyed, soft voiced, epauletted hunkiness like Hans.

This conversation gets cut short by the appearance of some wolves who chase them through the forest. Alright, this right here demonstrates one of the big weaknesses of CGI versus traditional animation. These are the wolves from Beauty and the Beast.

And these are the wolves from Frozen.

Look at that soft, perfectly rendered fur! I’m not scared of them! I want to give them a frickin’ cuddle!

Anyway, they have to leap a cliff and Kristof’s sleigh falls to the bottom and bursts into flames (and it had just two days to retirement). Anna promises to get him a new sleigh and they continue on their journey. They find themselves in a beautiful Title of Movie forest and it’s here that we meet Olaf.

Alright, show of hands. Who was dreading Olaf? I recently went back to read some of the old comments from the blog and what really struck me was how utterly un-hyped for Frozen I was before it came out. Not quite dreading, but still really, really, dubious. And I think a large part of that was that frickin Olaf/Sven teaser . Olaf just rubbed me the wrong way that time. I remember recoiling in horror and hissing “Smells of the Gurgi this one does! Hsssssssss!” In their review of Frozen Doug and Rob Walker talk about almost physically bracing for Olaf’s first appearance. Now of course, everything turned out fine but apparently our trepidation was not entirely without merit. See, when Elsa was still being conceived as a villain, Olaf was going to be her evil lackey, the Iago to her Jafar so to speak. This version of Olaf was apparently so obnoxious that Jennifer Lee’s first note on reading the script was “Kill the fucking snowman”.

You may be shocked at the idea of the people who make Disney movies swearing. If you are, you probably don’t read this blog.