ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A group of youngsters from our town’s upper-middle-class have riddled themselves why the current rate of community coronavirus transmissions keep rising while they enjoyed an illegal picnic last night in Machattie Park.

“It’s scary,” said one of them.

“Like, people are starting to catch it from other people now.”

The rate of coronavirus infections in the Channel Country is on the rise despite a compulsory quarantine of all people coming into the region.

Nobody who’s tested positive to the pangolin’s kiss has come into Betoota in the past two weeks, meaning each new case is the result of community transmission.

The Director of Emergency Medicine at Royal Betoota Base Hospital, Professor Gary Dearden, has said people are catching it from other people because they are disobeying social distancing laws.

“Aside from the disgusting, vile, authoritarian laws the government has snuck through with their coronavirus legislation, this policy actually does some good at preventing people catching COVID-19,” he said.

“If people are wondering why community transmissions are going up in Betoota, it’s because of people who think they’re above quarantine and social distancing laws.”

When asked what could be done to stop people from meeting up illegally like the group of second-generation yuppies did last night, Professor Dearden said he was at a loss.

“Short of the police switching off their body cams and beating these people into intensive care with those telescopic batons of theirs, I don’t see how the message can get through,” he said.

“Because the baton doesn’t discriminate. It will fuck your world up if you’re poor, it will fuck your world up if you’re rich.”

Professor Dearden then asked our reporter if he’d ever been belted with a telescopic baton, to which our reporter said ‘yes’.

“It’s worse than getting hit with the taser, isn’t it? Honest to God. The taser is all over in 90 seconds. The baton can still hurt months later. No bullshit. That’s why I think a crisp smack across the shoulder blades from one of those jacked-up physio cops that wear those black jumpsuits would put the fear of God into anyone,”

“Stay the fuck in your house. If you don’t, you could get the baton.”

More to come.

