Listen, maybe because I am a man, and in our society men have been stereotyped as helpless boobs who couldn't make a bowl of cereal without the help of a wife/mom/fairy godmother, I should be not the person to review this product. But since my wife likes this vacuum, and because as such I cannot smash into a million pieces with a fungo bat, I have to write this review to get even the Electrolux Oxygen Ultra, an object that is now my sworn enemy, from now until the end of eternity.



I hate this vacuum. Every moment I use it is a chance to ruminate on how much I hate it. Seriously. I vacuum around the house saying to myself, "I hate this vacuum. You know what? This is a really terrible vacuum. I don't think I like this vacuum. Oh wait, did I just suck up the dog?"



It was clearly designed by someone rich enough to never have to use it. Let's start with the basic setup. The main body of the vacuum is something you drag behind you as you go from room to room. This would be a great thing if the house you're vacuuming happens to be empty. And maybe in Sweden or Switzerland or wherever they designed this godawful piece of garbage, that's all the rage now. But if you're someone who happens to have furnished their house with things like chairs and tables (and even the occasional ottoman), this means the Electrolux is constantly getting stopped by whatever objects you had the audacity to place in its way. With an upright vacuum, you don't have to drag anything. But you have to constantly drag the Electrolux everywhere you want to go. I'd like to drag it behind a truck going 150 mph, but that's about it.



Then there's the main, carpet-cleaning attachment of the Electrolux. I hate this attachment. First off, the attachment allows the main handle from the vacuum to be turned to the right, and to the right only. I even checked it for an hour just to make sure I hadn't made a mistake. Nope. This is the only way the attachment turns on the handle. Why? Who knows? Probably just to annoy me, because I paid $600 for the stupid thing. Oh sure, I can turn my hand and vacuum my carpet Gangsta-style now, but otherwise this is the kind of design flaw that makes you want to drive your Honda through Bed Bath & Beyond, just to get even.



And, if anything, this attachment sucks too hard. Like that fringe on your oriental rug? Sorry, the Electrolux thought that was lunch! But every rug could use a good shearing now and then. Also, the motor in the attachment spins so hard it makes controlling the thing darn near impossible. But hey, at least you can turn the handle to the right.



Did I mention that you can only get bags for the Ultra through Electrolux, and that the bags have to be shipped to you? I didn't? Don't worry, no one told me either.



The other attachments aren't so hot either. The attachment we use to vacuum the hardwood floor is stiff and cumbersome. And the coiling tube that goes to the main handle is almost always, without fail, twisted up in an awkward fashion.



Listen, I'm a simple guy. This is clearly what I get for being dumb enough to buy a $600 vacuum. I'm sure the Electrolux has the sucking power of 1,000 Kevin Federlines, and can filter out all the potential carcinogens and death spores I've been told pollute our air. But this isn't rocket science. It's a vacuum. You know why I vacuum? So that stuff looks like it's been vacuumed. That's all. Basic house vacuuming can be easily accomplished with any $100 Hoover out there. You can probably get one at a yard sale. Or maybe you can get my Electrolux at our next yard sale. If I'm sneaky enough, the wife won't notice.



I hate this vacuum.