In a speech to the American Enterprise Institute, former Vice President Richard ‘Dick’ Cheney slammed President Barack Obama for the pardoning of a suspicious Thanksgiving turkey without first according the bird proper detention and interrogation, as recommended by the National Security Administration.

Following is excerpted content from Mr. Cheney’s speech:

“As a practical matter, turkeys may lack much, but they have never lacked for grievances against the United States. Our belief in freedom of hunting turkeys… our belief in rights for chickens… our support for bald eagles… our cultural and political influence in the duck and goose world and other holiday dinner birds… these are the true sources of resentment, all mixed in with the lies and conspiracy theories of radical turkeys who are being trained by our enemies in Afghanistan and Iraq then imported onto our shores.

“It is a longstanding populist tradition to nickname turkeys ‘Tom’ in this country but that can make Americans very complacent to the threat posed by these birds. I have it on good authority, information derived from our interrogation of high value terrorists, that many of these imported turkeys are not ‘Tom’ Turkeys at all – the ‘Tom’ is an Americanized derivative of the name ‘Hartoum’. These birds originated in Turkey after all which, if you look closely at any standard atlas, you’ll see is very close to Afghanistan. Too close.

“Do you really think it is a mere coincidence that a President whose middle name is Hussein pardoned a turkey he dubbed ‘Courage’ but whose real name is Hartoum? Do you really?”

“For all that we’ve gained by massacring turkeys for service to the American dinner plate on Thanksgiving, even Christmas for those who eschew ducks, geese, and hams, or Easter for that matter, the United States has never lost its moral bearings. And when the moral reckoning turns to the turkeys known as high-value terrorist-trained and imported turkeys, as represented by the pardoned Hartoum, I can assure you we were justified to suspect them and right to act.

“Thanksgiving notswithstanding, it has always been considered an honor and a duty that turkeys sacrifice themselves for national holiday meals from sea to sea. Policies developed through Homeland Security and the NSA ensure that these traditions continue for generations. But now this great American tradition is under grave threat. That is why pardoning this turkey was flatly contrary to the national security interest of the United States. The harm done only begins with top secret information allowed to remain in the hands of these turkeys, who wander our farmlands freely gathering information for their terrorist trainers to be used in a hostile manner against chickens, roosters, ducks, geese, quail, Cornish hens, guineafowl, pheasants, peafowl, pigeons, even swans and doves.

“Our interrogation methods for radical turkeys, developed with high precision, saved many other birds bound for our holiday dinner plates by providing us with intelligence to intercept calls and track contacts between foreign operatives and these birds inside the United States. In the years after 9/11, our government also understood that the safety of the country required collecting information known only to the worst of the turkeys. And in a few cases, that information could be gained only through tough interrogations.

“President Obama’s own Director of National Intelligence, Admiral Blair, has put it this way: “High value information came from interrogations in which those methods were used and provided a deeper understanding of the radical turkey breeding and indoctrination organization that is undermining this country’s most cherished holiday meals.” End quote. It is a fact that only detainees of the highest intelligence value were ever subjected to enhanced interrogation. You’ve heard endlessly about waterfowl boarding. I was and remain a strong proponent of such enhanced interrogation techniques for turkeys. The interrogations were used on hardened birds who would be tough and tasteless cooked anyway, even if doused with herb butter, after other efforts failed. They were legal, essential, justified, successful, and the right thing to do.

“To the very end of our administration, we kept illegal immigrant radical turkeys busy with other problems. We focused on getting their secrets, instead of sharing ours with them. And on our watch, they never disrupted this country’s Thanksgiving dinners. That is a record to be praised and continued until the danger has passed. Thank you.”

After the speech Cheney also lambasted White House staff for placing on YouTube a ‘turkey-eye view’ video tour of the walk from the White House gates to the Oval Office. “Terrorists downloading this video have access to national secrets that may be revealed in the filming. Certainly, the now have a clear map of the lawns, which would allow them to plot a successful invasion of the grass leading up to and surrounding the building.”

And Cheney’s speech did contain a touch of the ironic – the tradition of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving actually began in 1989 under President George H. W. Bush, when Cheney was a member of the elder Bush’s White House staff.