Note: NSFW/sexual screenshots ahead

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I keep thinking about that talk I had with Dev like, forever ago. Back when I was a dumb kid whining about having a new baby sister.

It was the same night Mama gave me my first journal.

They said writing could be a way for me to kinda work through things when everything gets shitty and I don’t have anybody else to talk to. When my brain feels like a shaken-up can of soda two seconds away from exploding.

So I guess it’s finally time to talk about all the shit that went down last weekend… Before I explode.

It all started with that stupid party. Why the hell did I ever think it’d be a good idea to go? Or to bring Jasper with me? What a freaking mess!

And like, most things in my life have been pretty messy lately. But this one… it took the freaking cake. Maybe even the whole bakery.

It didn’t start out so bad though. Gigi was there, and at first, everything was going great. It was the first time we got to talk to each other since the last party. I kinda got to see that ‘softer’ side of her again. You know what I mean, right? Just like when we were back in the closet. And it was really nice.

But then Amna showed up all excited to see “Felix” again. Seriously? What were the freaking odds?! I guess it was kind of nice to see her again, sort of. But why did it have to be there?! It just made everything super weird and awkward for everybody.

And then Hallie… She was so drunk and clingy and… Oh my God. I don’t even think I can even write down what actually happened. Like, it was just so, SO bad.

Like, “pretty sure I don’t want another girl’s mouth near my dick ever again” bad (and trust me — I never thought I’d ever say that!).

It was so fucking awful.

But no matter how weird it felt having her like, pressuring me, or how freaking nasty it was having her puke all over my dick, I couldn’t even be mad about it. I just felt so bad for Hallie… She was totally out of control. I don’t think she really even knew what she was doing.

I knew I had to get her home. And once I called Mama to ask for a ride, I figured the nightmare would finally be over…

NOPE.

Not even close.

I don’t know why the hell I had to look behind that stupid freaking bush. I don’t think there’s any way I can ever get that image out of my mind…

Tam. My best friend.

Sucking my little brother’s dick.

I don’t remember saying anything or making a noise or anything like that… but I must have.

Because as if having to see it wasn’t bad enough already, they turned around and saw me too.

Forget about sending a pic of my dick to Tam, or blowing chunks at the talent show, or having Hallie puke all over my dick…

THAT was the most awkward moment of my entire freaking life.

I kept trying to tell myself it was just because they were drunk. They probably had no idea what the hell they were doing, right?

But I just knew that wasn’t true. The way they were looking at each other… And looking at ME… it said it all.

Tam tried to make some stupid joke about me interrupting them, then he launched into this big “Sorry you had to find out like this” speech.

But Jasper didn’t say anything. Not at first, anyway. He just started crying almost the second he saw me. Like, literally just sobbing. I haven’t see him cry like that since he was a little kid.

And then after Mama came to get us (most awkward car ride OF MY LIFE) and we got back to her house, he just kept asking me again and again not to tell Papa or Rubi what I saw.

So I promised I wouldn’t.

I don’t get what he’s so afraid of though. There’s no way Papa or Rubi would have a problem with him being gay or whatever. They’re not like that.

And neither am I. I don’t care if he’s gay. I could’ve found Jasper with ANY other guy and yeah, it would still be gross and weird and awkward ( it still would be even if it was a girl too!)

But no matter what, it wouldn’t feel like this.

Like… okay, I don’t think I’d ever say this out loud to anybody… But I guess it makes me kinda jealous. Or maybe more than ‘kinda’.

Like, it feels like I got stabbed in the back or something. And I was totally freaking blindsided… Like when Vader threw Palpatine down that engine shaft in Return of the Jedi. I never saw it coming. I thought everything was fine. I thought Tam was my best friend… Then Bam! He totally betrayed me! They both did. Tam just tossed me aside like I’m garbage or something. And Jasper took my best friend away from me.

Tam’s supposed to be my best friend. He’s been like a second brother to me for over half my freaking life. Jasper was always the one tagging along with us. He was always the one who got left out. He was the third wheel. The annoying little sibling who just wanted to fit in. And that’s how it’s supposed to be, right?

But I guess it won’t be like that anymore. It’ll be just like with Bryce and Meg. They’re both all over each other almost any time we’re all together. It’s like the rest of us don’t even exist or something. And that’s exactly how Tam and Jasper were at the party too. How the hell did I not notice it before?

No matter how hard I try, it’s like I’m freaking cursed or something. I don’t fit in with anybody at school, I don’t fit in at home with my family… and now I don’t fit in with my best friend either. Tam was always the ONE person I could hang out with where it always felt like I belonged. I never felt like an outsider with him… But now I am.

I’m gonna be the one who’s tagging along now, aren’t I? Now I’m the third wheel. It’s never gonna be the same again.

How could they do this?! And how could they hide it from me for so freaking long?! That just makes it hurt even more. It’s like they lied to me. Why couldn’t they just be honest from the start?!

I’m still so mad. And hurt.

But Mama keeps telling me I need to give them a break. She knows what’s going on with them… Wasn’t too hard to figure out with all Jasper’s begging on the ride home that night.

After we dropped Hallie off, she let Tam and Jasper sleep over at our house. And I guess Mama had a long talk with them the next morning while I was in the shower… But I have no idea what it was about. They got all weird and stopped talking the second I walked in the room. Then Opi and Omi called me in the kitchen for breakfast.

Whenever I try talking to her about it, Mama just keeps giving me these little speeches about how “overwhelming” things are for them right now. “Especially Jasper,” she said. “I know you’re mad, but I think he really needs you to be there for him.”

Seriously? How can she talk about it like she’s some kind of expert or something? She barely even knows him.

And I’m not sure how I’m supposed to “be there for him” when he’s been avoiding me too.

Jasper hasn’t sat with me at lunch all week. He barely even looks at me. And Tam sits right next to him, of course. Now that they’re together, who needs me anymore, right?

He won’t be able to avoid me forever though. I’m gonna be back with Papa this weekend, and he and Rubi already have me freaking out about some kind of “talk” they wanna have with me and Jasper.

I know Mama told them about the party when she dropped Jasper off Sunday morning… She pretty much had to. How else could she explain why she was dropping Jasper off instead of Tam’s Mama?

I didn’t go with them though. I stayed at Mama and Dev’s house. I just needed some time to like, breathe after everything that happened.

They did make me call Papa later though. I was expecting some kind of huge lecture or something, but he didn’t really say much. Just that he and Rubi needed to “have a talk” with me and Jasper the next time I was over there.

Ugh. I bet I’m grounded for the rest of my life.

So, besides having my dick puked on and seeing my best friend blow my brother and having to worry about Papa putting me under house arrest til I’m 50… everything else is going pretty good, at least? (Seriously though… ughhhhh!)

There really have been some not-so-shitty moments though. Like, believe it or not, Hallie actually apologized to me at school on Monday. I was kinda surprised. I figured she’d never talk to me again after what happened (I mean, I wouldn’t if I were her… Who would?) But she did.

She told me the new guy she’d been seeing dumped her last week, and it really messed her up. “I was just really lonely… and jealous,” she said. And being drunk definitely didn’t help — at all.

I guess even someone like her can be just as awkward and desperate as me sometimes. She’s just usually a lot better at hiding it.

It’s kinda like Gigi too… I always thought of her as all confident and strong and stuff — way more than I’ll ever be. And I mean, she is…

But I guess she doesn’t feel that way all the time. She’s got this kinda awkward side to her too. You’d just never know it.

We haven’t really talked since the party, but it’s not like she’s been totally ignoring me either. She said hi to me in the hall a couple times this week, and we kinda smiled at each other in science class yesterday. So that’s a good sign, right? I think?

I dunno. It’s all just so freaking crazy. That party seriously changed like, everything.

Like, I thought I knew Hallie. I thought I knew Gigi. And I definitely thought I knew Tam and Jasper too.

But I guess I’m not the only one who has something about themselves they wish they could hide.

The problem is, no matter how hard you try, I guess you can’t hide it forever.