Share 0 SHARES

HAVING spent the run-up to Christmas filling your timelines with articles filled with wall-to-wall festive food, drinks, restaurants and treats for you to enjoy, it’s now time for us to fill your timelines with articles showing you how you can shed the pounds of disgusting fat you’ve packed onto yourself, so that you can rejoin civilisation without bringing shame down on your entire family. Let’s get you less jiggly, piggly!

1) Go vegan

Remember that ‘Top 5 Restaurants You Must Try This Winter’ article we posted in December? You may be confusing it with the ‘Top 5 Restaurants You Must Try This December’, ‘Top 5 Restaurants You Must Try This Christmas’, ‘Top 5 Restaurants You Must Try This Yuletide’, or ‘Top 5 Restaurants You Must Try During The Season Of Boreas, Greek God Of The Cold North’; anyways, forget what we said in those, get your fat arse some vegetables and soy milk. Not sure where to get such things? Don’t worry, we’ll be running ‘Top 5 Vegan Restaurants You Must Try’ and ‘This Dublin Vegan Supermarket Is Fucking Amazing’ articles for the next month.

2) Try these dietary supplements

In the run up to Christmas, we teamed up with loads of supermarket chains and restaurants to bring you sponsored content selling you everything from Christmas chocolates to Christmas eels. We’re super happy with the results of our targeted media performance during this time, and it’s clear from your fat face that they proved very effective. Now, we’re teaming up with a chain of dietary supplement shops, for all your meal replacement bar/ meal replacement shake needs. And boy, do you need them. Link directly from our ads, blobby!

3) Run

Hmm… not sure on this one. Running is more or less free – you could do it right now if you wanted. If you have feet and a road, that’s about it. Not sure how we could profit from this just yet. Maybe wait until we link up with a chain of gyms or something like that, so that we can get commission from your membership when you join up. We’ll need to create some content around this, maybe a quick ‘5 tips’ video shot in a branch of a chain gym, dictated by one of Ireland’s fittest and most affordable Instagram models. Bear with us on this one.

4) Buy ‘January Diets Made Easy’ by Saoirse Zarnell

You may have never heard of Saoirse Zarnell, but she’s everywhere. The social media sensation has just released her first book, and it’s packed with tips and recipes that someone else collated for her. Really, all they did was take 100 pages of recipes and add in 50 pages of Saoirse doing lunges in a Lycra top, stuck a picture of her blending kale while smiling on the front in a kitchen that’s bigger than the house you grew up in. You’re going to be seeing a lot of Saoirse Zarnell over the next twelve months; we’re going to make damn sure of it. From her upcoming breakup with one of the lads from some band you’ve never heard of, to her ongoing work rasing awareness for soemething you’re already aware of, we’re going to load your timelines with Saoirse Zarnell until you crack the fuck up. Get a head start now by buying her book and shedding your hideousness. You’ll never achieve her body – not unless your only job is to do yoga and eat air all day – but at least having the book in your house will make visitors think that you’re trying. Follow the link in our bio to purchase, and get 10% off when you use our offer code FATFUCK.

5) Enhance your mental wellbeing

A fit mind means a fit body. Probably. We’re not sure there’s science to back that up, but it sounds good. Download our mindfulness app and relax while simultaneously listening to our mindfulness podcast. You can do it, we’re here to help you! We believe in you! We believe in you now, just like when we believed in you in December when we showed you how it was empowering to eat a whole tub of Celebrations in one sitting, or when we brought you ads for that sweet deal that got you 6 bottles of Prosecco for 23 euro. You can do it, fatty! And if you can’t do it now, we’ll run this article again in time for summer!