Invest in God ... Our banking has failed’. This pithy message popped up outside St Andrew’s Church on Mumbai’s Hill Road when l’affaire Nirav Modi unfolded last year. And when rains lashed the city in June, ‘Never ask for lighter rain, just pray for a better umbrella’ read the wisdom board outside Mount Carmel Church in Bandra. St Michael’s Church in Mahim even caught the football fever with a picture of the holy chalice captioned ‘The Original World Cup’.Sometimes you find humour in places you least expect, and Mumbai’s pun-laden church signboards have their own way of handing out folksy wisdom and unexpected laughs to people passing by.Contrary to the mundane bulletin boards of yore featuring service timings, weekly events or trite quotations, these tongue-in-cheek church billboards refer to pop culture, social trends and the current news cycle or call out the weather, road conditions or a corrupt politician. Informal, edgy and occasionally hilarious, these messages are meant to lure younger faithfuls into the pews or simply put a smile on people’s faces. And the more trendy the wisecracks, the more likely are they to spiral into social media fame.Father Clifton Lobo, 69, belongs to the city’s wealth of witty church board writers, who are mostly greying clergymen and parishioners with a flair for Biblical puns and spiritual one-liners. Assistant to the Orlem parish priest in Malad, Fr Clifton is almost an unsung celebrity whose wordplay on St Michael’s Church board has often found pride of place on Facebook and Instagram.The portly priest in checkered shirt, trousers and suspenders is a jovial man who earned his doctorate in Creativity Studies and teaches synectics. “I’m all right brain, and that’s where humour lives,” he smiles, pulling out a laminated photo collage of his church board writings that one of St Michael’s parishioners gifted him when he moved out in 2015. Asked to pick a favourite, he narrates a backstory before pointing at the post. “It was a time when a minister was caught in the 2G scam while the city was drowning in the rains. So I wrote, ‘A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water’,” he smiled.Fr Clifton has tried everything from word play such as ‘Is your prayer well done or rare?’; sassy messages like ‘I thank God I don’t need a permit for the holy spirit’ and even taken on a popular ad with ‘There are some things money can’t buy: integrity & manners.’Odil Madeira, 64 fondly called ‘bard of the parish’ inherited the duty of writing the Mahim church board after Fr Clifton moved to Orlem. Odil was contemplating a new message for Friday’s change of board when TOI visited her home on a Thursday evening, the same week that the Sabarimala temple shut down for ritual “purification” after two women entered the shrine. “How about, ‘Everyone is welcome here, including young women’?” she muses but is apprehensive. “Sounds too direct? Maybe we should say: ‘This temple is purified all year round’. It’s subtle and nobody can raise a finger,” she smiles adding: “I’m uber careful about hurting anyone’s sentiments.”For Odil, a published writer of two children’s poetry books who scripts and directs annual day programs for city schools, crafting witticisms for the church board is her way of “giving back” to the parish. “Also I enjoy the creative pressure and eureka moments!” beams the woman behind some of St. Michael’s trending updates – ‘CBI…Celestial Blessings Inside. Come in for your portion’ during the feud between the Central Bureau of Investigation and ‘No quotas in heaven. All equal in God’s sight’ during the Maratha quota stir.Another faceless, nameless social media sensation is the silver-haired Mohan Roche, 71 whose funny and irreverent posts at St Andrew’s Church often fly in the face of traditional views people expect from a place of worship. But Roche is not afraid of conservatives or controversy. He has seen a senior politician and older members of the congregation raise a cry now and then but Mohan isn’t one to be censored. “You can’t shove values down people’s throats. If you’re not getting through to the youth, it’s useless. When you use words that people use every day or make religious teachings enjoyable, you become relatable,” says Mohan who loves it that his church can step back and laugh at itself.Sample this: ‘Viber and Whatsapp may soon charge me but my hotline to God will always be absolutely free’ and ‘Why pay for GPS? God gives directions for free.’ Church sign connoisseurs on social networks believe there is an art to them and whatever the intent, these signs garner the attention of the secular city.The advent of these white, green and black boards with bold metal letterings in Mumbai’s churches also known as “wayside pulpits” can be traced to the 70s, a trend inspired by churches in the US to woo a dwindling congregation. Church of Our Lady of Rosary in Dockyard was one of the first to draw attention since it faced the station. Soon after, other churches followed. Busy junctions at church-dense zipcodes like Bandra, Mahim and Mazgaon helped grab eyeballs but these church board writers also have a formula for their success.“It must be short, topical, and humorous enough to catch people’s attention at a traffic signal,” says Fr Clifton for whom the board is an outlet for his creative impulses. “It keeps my mind alert.” He also has a “bank of people” he relies on when stuck. “I ask them about the latest movie or the latest game to keep up.” Odil’s mantra is: “Avoid being verbose or holier than thou”. She credits the Indian news media as a steady source of information and inspiration. “There’s never a dearth.”Apart from performing other parish duties as part of the St Andrew's Centre for Community Organisation team, Mohan has also taken upon himself the task of climbing up the 10ft high signboard on a rickety ladder every Saturday morning. “I prefer arranging the letters myself. The spacing and punctuations are also important for people to read and digest in 15 seconds.”