i hate sport. we all do. it’s tedious, and joints burns, and hearts race, it’s really quite unpleasant.

but that’s not why I hate sport.

see, when you thin person say ‘you hate sport’, you mean what is said above.

when I say i hate sport, i mean the last time i participated for fun and amusement, i was bleeding and choking and everyone laughed.

it was a short cross-country race around the school. everyone was there, teachers, students, their families, everyone.

i had the bad luck of being fat and slow. short sprints? fine, i’m one of the fastest. weight lifting? i have the weight, strength and patience for it. hockey? i was good. endurance running? not so lucky.

they jeered and laughed and mocked me to run faster. i did. i couldn’t breathe. i panicked. i fell before i could finish the second lap and hyperventilated. all they did was laugh, and shake their heads, and make pig noises and fake crying and comparing me to Tall Thin Kid Three Grades Above Me and insult me. but they probably thought it was encouraging.

i was in a french school abroad, my parents don’t speak french, so they didn’t know what was happening. the words “stand up fatso, don’t be so lazy, stop pretending, do you want everyone to know you’re a fat lazy hippo” were said in an ncouraging tune with a smile on their faces.

and i was still on my knees, which bled and were caked with dirt and leave, unable to breathe, unable to think, panicking, choking, fighting for my life i couldn’t breathe and no one helped.

i broke. i shouted at them to shut the fuck up, why don’t you all go die, i want you dead, i want you burning alive and dead. because that was how i felt. that is how i still feel. i don’t regret insulting them. i don’t regret getting detention. i don’t regret my friends being afraid of me, i don’t regret being left alone for the next two years.

they certainly didn’t regret leaving me in the middle of the crowd having a panic attack. being alone before changing school (and country) was the best thing to happen to me. it’s the only time i got peace.

so you see, when i say i hate sport, and you reply yeah me too, don’t be surprised when i snort, and walk away when you start with yeah but it’s good for you, so i do it.

Sport wasn’t good for me. it was never good for me. and seeing as how i hyperventilate just at the word, it will never be “good for me”.

[while i’m at it: i notice my submissions get more notes than i see. that’s because i blocked those jerks. thanks to new tumblr policy, you may be able to see anything i submit in other blogs/what other blogs reblog, but i’ll never be able to see you. one of the wonderful things that bring me peace.]