WASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film actress, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue reportedly stated Thursday, in a desperate attempt to serve as President Trump’s fall guy, that he was the one who slept with Stormy Daniels. “It was me—I met with her, I paid her for sex, and then I tried to cover up the whole thing—and President Trump had nothing to do with it,” said the head of the U.S. Department of Agriculture in a blatant effort to serve as Trump’s patsy in the public eye and take all the blame for the ongoing controversy. “In 2006, I entered into a sexual tryst with Stormy Daniels, cheating on my wife of 46 years in the process. Then, I acted completely alone in hiring Michael Cohen to make her sign an NDA and pay her off. I kept quiet about having had sex with Stormy Daniels—as well as any and all other women who President Trump has been unjustly accused of having affairs with—because I wanted to be the secretary of agriculture, but I can no longer keep quiet. President Trump is innocent, and it was me—me and only me—all along. I am ready to accept my punishment.” In a related story, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke had made a last-ditch effort to convince the public that it was actually his voice in the Access Hollywood tape bragging about grabbing women by the pussy.

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