The long dark is a survival game created by Hinterland, all screenshots taken from in game, available on steam and http://intothelongdark.com/

Previously on A Toff in the woods Part 1 – Jeremy Cream finds himself crash landed in a harsh cold environment, with nothing but his ‘wits’ to keep him alive, he stumbled on several abandoned cabins, he entered, the story doth continue, read on, do.

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Part 2 –

There were 4 cabins, one of which had clearly burned down, There was nothing in it but splintered old wet wood and the smell of terror, that was coming from me, the lobster I’d had for lunch was getting it’s revenge. I walked over the one of the in tact cabins. The door was unlocked! Success, I’ll be home in time for quince jelly and quail! I went into the cabin and was horrified at what I saw! The cabin was a barren shack with just a few beds and empty shelves!

I found a few delightful items within, the pinnacle of which is this exquisite heavy wool jumper. That was thick and heavy sarcasm, I wouldn’t be seen dead in such a garment! However, it’s jolly bally cold, so I donned the bulky woolen abomination. Never has such a cheap fabric adorned my torso.

I explored the other cabins, all are similarly sparse but I managed to find several useful items such as a scarf, some firewood, some food and a box of tools. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do anything with these but I’ve seen Carstairs (my second manservant) open a tin of foie gras so I know how a can opener works.

Never buy tinned foie gras, it is revolting, get it direct from your local farmer, where you can see that the duck has been sufficiently fattened, ideally the duck (or goose) shouldn’t be able to move at all. Some people say this is cruel, but they’re only animals, why should their welfare worry me!

After exploring the cabins I head out into the wilds while the light is still luminous. There’s a reason they call it the wilderness, because it’s damn bally wild out here! There is nothing, no sign of man, industry or business! Just tree after tree after dull pointless tree! I walk for what seems like hours, eventually I come to a clearing! I spy some wonderful unnatural colour in the distance, my feet are in agony, wet and cold covers my whole lower body. I see a sign beckoning me!

I take this as a sign and follow the arrow up a steep hill. The darn thing goes up and up forever. It’s higher than the amount of bedroom tax I pay each year. Actually I don’t pay any tax, Mr Chaplin, my accountant, does wonderful things with numbers. As far as the taxman is concerned I live in a one bedroom cottage on the outskirts of Bath. I don’t see why I should pay tax, it’s my money, Mummy and Daddy worked very hard to earn that!

At the top of this piste was a very high cabin, sadly there wasn’t a lift to take me up so I had to use the stairs and my own legs to get to the top! Inside I expected to find hot chocolate, a television, a radio, brandy, whiskey, a selection of fine wines and chocolates and a small library. Inside I actually found some beef jerky (which looks like a dog chew, I’ve no idea what it is used for), some aspirin and water purification tablets. There were two beds and most importantly, there was a wood stove! I immediately parroted what I had seen Woodrow doing when making our fire in the third drawing parlour back in my mansion. I put the bits of wood I found and newspaper into the stove and threw a match in. Seconds later hot glowing fire burst forth. I have never been so rugged and manly! If only Lucinda could see me now! She left me because I wasn’t rugged enough for her. I don’t know what she was blathering about, when we went riding together I put Blinky’s mane in a delightful French braid. There is nothing more manly than being able to coax thick coarse hair into regimented tight braids!

I decided to spend the night in this high up cabin. The night was dark, cold and terrifying, much like my fifth wife. The fire went out within the first hour. The sheets on the bed were not made of goose down. I’ve never been so cold in all my life! I got all the sheets and blankets and made a nest in the corner of the room, for some reason all my shivering was making me incredibly hungry and thirsty. As soon as dawn came I woke up, I ate all the food I had and drank the water that had remained unfrozen. I then girded my loins and got up from my nest and headed out back into the frigid, bleak, penetrating wilderness (again sounds like my 5th wife).

I walked for what seemed like an eternity, certainly longer that any game of polo I’ve ever seen. Maybe not as long as the dinner party Daddy threw when Margaret Thatcher came. That was the best night of my life!

I walked and walked until I came across an horrific scene!

Continued in A toff in the wilderness – Part 3

Corpses and weaponry!