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Americans can only enjoy the bejeweled beauty and pageantry of the Eurovision Song Contest from afar, but that doesn't mean we can't take part in our own, sad little way. This is your guide to watching the Saturday finale of this year's Song Contest, when one act will bring glory, honor and 2015 hosting rights to its home country.

Choose a Venue

To watch the competition outside of Europe you'll have to watch the livestream, available here at 3 pm eastern time. If you want to be fancy about it, Denmark's Washington D.C. embassy is having cocktail viewing party. If you want to be slightly less fancy about it, some bars have caught on to the trend and are holding viewing parties, too.

But your best bet is to just stay at home and watch. It's more convenient, cheaper, and probably cooler. To get a sense of how a real European would go about this, I reached out to Theresa Schnöll, an Austrian photographer. "There are some of these Eurovision Song Contest parties, but organized by friends and in a more private setting, not in bars etc.," Schnöll said via email.

Adopt a Country

This is key — whether you vote for the best artist, the campiest artist. or the underdog, you need to become emotionally invested in this. Depending on which country you choose, you might even want to adopt their general demeanor over the competition. "Austria's history with the song contest is a really sad one," Schnöll said. "We are a small country and the general tone in Austria is to complain a lot and feel sorry for ourselves."