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Laundry quick-cycle eliminated: riots ensue

SAINT Peter— Mass hysteria has enveloped campus after the laundry machines’ “Quick Cycle” mode was removed from use. President Bergman has declared a state of emergency following the raid of the Bookmark’s clothing department this morning.

“Students are advised to remain in their rooms with their eyes on their clean laundry,” Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher announced earlier this morning, “as clothing looting has become rampant.”

“When we found out the quick cycle was gone…we didn’t know what to do,” explained Sophomore Bryan Dweller.“Waiting 45 minutes for our turn would have meant almost certain inconvenience to us, so we did what needed to be done,” he finished, before leaping towards an abandoned sock.

Many students found themselves shell-shocked when the news finally broke. “I really can’t remember what happened. I just sort of…wandered the halls. There were clothes strewn everywhere. People clawing at people. Society as we knew had gone to Hell in a laundry basket,” Junior Dan Longfurd said, “it was an absolute catastrophe.”

With tensions running high and students desperately clinging onto their last pair of clean socks, some students are finding frugal business ventures in the security sector. Senior Ivor Dax has taken to protecting students’ clothing, for a small price. “I go up to the room, I tell them it’s time for the clothing tax, and they give me clean clothes. If they disagree,well…it’s not my fault if one of my boys likes their clothes,” he told the Fourth Crown, with a nod towards three Juniors in the corner splitting a glove into three parts.

“Students are advised to remain in their rooms with their eyes on their clean laundry.”—Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher

The rage of affected students can be felt in full force across the campus. “I can’t believe that they would transition to quick-cycle free machines just like that. They should have expected us to react this way when they decided to cause us, like an hour of time waiting for a laundry machine,” Sophomore Katie Swillink explained. “Like seriously, I don’t have that much free time in my day. I need time to finish the new season of New Girl.”

Both the National Guard and Gap have both been alerted to the emergency underway at gustavus Adolphus College, and are expected to arrive with relief supplies within the next two weeks.

Freshmen continue to post memes to class Facebook page into second semester

SAINT PETER— As the spring semester has begun, the hopes of freshmen across campus have been dashed as ‘dank memes’ continue to be posted to the GAC Class of ’18 Facebook page.

“I really thought things would be different this semester,” said a first year who wished to remain anonymous. “I guess I just shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.”

Among posts inviting students to various activities, requests to wash communal dishware, and inquiries to lost items, the Class of ’18 page has been filled with memes for the past semester.

While some have been attempts to create memorable reminders for campus life events, most have been student posted and student driven. A small but active group of persons have taken it upon themselves to make the Class of ’18 page a hive for meme posting and cultivation. While the page was originally intended for students to get to know each other before starting college, and then to fade into oblivion once the school year started, classic memes such as ‘tfw no gf’ have remained constant into the new semester. The frequent posting has created controversy among the members of the page.

“I’m not really sure what Shrek has to do with love, or life, but I guess it’s kind of funny?” stated Jordan Zahrte, Area Coordinator for Norelius Hall and member of the Facebook page. “It’s given us a lot of insight towards this cohort.”

Other members of the Facebook page have been less receptive towards the attempts at humor.

“I don’t understand what jimmies are and why a gorilla would have rustled ones and I don’t care. Knock it off and grow up, guys.” read one comment on a recent post. The original poster replied to the attack with an image of a twisted cartoon face captioned, ‘U Mad, Bro?’

“I just shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.” — Anonymous First-year student

Movements to punish the meme-posters for their internet crimes have largely fallen on deaf ears. Despite a growing faction of students wishing to have the page members barred from the group, administrative hands have been tied.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen some of these kids on campus, to be real honest. We’re not really sure if they actually go here, but they got invited to the page, so it’s not like we can ban them,” said an administrator of the page in a released statement.

“All I can hope for is that they’ll quit by next year,” said the anonymous freshman. “That, or they’ll transfer schools.”

-The Fourth Crown