For the purposes of this blog, my name is Hiram388. The purpose of this blog is for me to review wines, beers, and spirits.

I am/was a multi-generational Mormon on both sides of my family. I have ancestors who crossed the plains, ancestors who were pioneers in their various places of habitation, and prominent relatives in the LDS church (including apostles and infamous characters).

Additionally, I led a pretty devout Mormon life until I was 30 years old. Went to early morning Seminary, spent a few semesters at BYU, served a mission, attended Institute, married in the temple. I have been called to teach early morning Seminary, Institute, Gospel Principles, Gospel Doctrine, and 13-year-old Sunday School. I always took pride in the idea that I was an “expert” in early Christian history and the Scriptures. As a young teenager I spent time arguing about the truthfulness of Mormonism on message boards and as a missionary I loved to “Bible bash.” Always a universalist at heart, I still saw Mormonism as the highest pinnacle of logic and spirituality.

My “devoutness” extended to my personal life as well. A drop of alcohol never touched my lips, I never smoked a cigarette, metaphorically whipped myself every day to obey the Law of Chastity, never swore, paid tithing, etc. Alcohol had a certain special cachet in my spiritual understanding – it was the Thing that separated holy people from unholy people. When people leave the LDS church it’s just to “drink, smoke, and have sex” (not because they had legitimate concerns). I used alcohol, in a sense, to judge between those who were spiritually lost and those who were righteous.

Gradually, however, my testimony in Mormonism unraveled. The more I learned about early Christian history, theology, and philosophy, and the more I learned about the uncorrelated history of the LDS church, the more I began to see cracks form in my iron-clad Mormon testimony. I had always been drawn to Eastern Orthodox and Byzantine history, even as a young person, and over time I started to see things the Orthodox way. As I learned about Orthodoxy, my relationship with Christ and God blossomed in a way I never thought possible. Despite all my experience with spiritual matters, I came to the realization that it was a drop in the ocean of God’s immense love and mercy. But this isn’t a blog about my spiritual journey.

Even after becoming an Orthodox catechumen, I vowed I would never drink alcohol. I was terrified of it. I didn’t want to confirm my parents’ belief that I would become some kind of lascivious drunkard if I ever left the LDS church. I’d used the “teetotaler test” to judge people’s spiritual lives. Now that I left the LDS church suddenly I’d just start drinking?

And yet I had some interesting conversations with some former Mormon friends who were now Orthodox, as well as my spiritual father (a monk who is also my priest). Their advice was wise beyond measure: there’s no Orthodox canon that commands us to drink alcohol (besides the expectation that one will take wine with communion), and so there’s no reason to throw caution to the wind and just start drinking alcohol for no reason. Alcohol can be dangerous and can cause problems with one’s life.

On the other hand, it is also not spiritually healthy to go through the rest of my life with a neurotic fear of alcohol. I have literally no reason to avoid it like an infectious disease my whole life. Additionally, the story of the Publican and Pharisee came to mind: the way that I looked down on those who drank alcohol was pure unadulterated pride.

Not only was it a source of pride, my abstinence from all alcohol was spiritually unhealthy for another reason. In my Mormon upbringing (and I won’t speak for all Mormons, but just for me), temperance was never taught as a virtue in and of itself. Anything that could possibly cause problems was simply forbidden. However, this means that I lost an opportunity to teach myself something important. That is, that a spiritual person must train him- or herself in temperance and moderation. Drinking one alcoholic beverage is not going to ruin my life, “drive away the Spirit,” get me drunk, or kill me, and it’s a slow process of trial-and-error to learn what it means to find the line between a Gnostic, ascetic denial of everything God has given us on the Earth and overindulgence. This doesn’t mean that I have to “try everything” or “sin a little” just to “see what it’s like.” But if drinking alcohol in and of itself is not a sin (and how could it be, when the Prophets, Apostles, Jesus, and – gasp – even Joseph Smith drank it), then why the radical self-denial?

So I decided to face my fear and try wine.

Not knowing exactly what to expect (and not wanting to waste my money on something I wouldn’t like), I bought two extremely cheap, single-serving boxes of wine: one white, one red, though the brand of wine now totally escapes me (I’d probably recognize it if I saw it again).

As I brought my first cup of red wine up to my lips, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I knew that I had broken a spell that had gripped me since childhood. The sly, pernicious nature of that spell meant that I truly believed that following this rule (the Word of Wisdom) made me better than other people, when in fact it was simply a source of pride that enabled me to look down on others and think of myself as more “spiritual.”

Oh and also, that wine was disgusting. Truly horrid.

The white wine was a little milder, but still bad. I wasn’t expecting the bitterness of alcohol, nor was I expecting wine to be unlike grape juice in almost every way. I guess I was expecting something of a cross between Welch’s and mouthwash.

“Well, I guess wine just isn’t for me,” I thought to myself, and gave up on the idea of drinking wine for a while.

However, this was just the beginning. Eventually I’ve learned that the wine I tried was terrible simply because it was terrible, not because it was wine.

But I’m still a complete and utter newbie at alcohol. I am not starting this blog because I’m an expert in wines. I haven’t had any training and my experience with alcohol is literally a couple months long as of this writing.

That’s why I think if you’ve made it through this backstory, you may enjoy reading this blog and taking this journey with me. I’m reviewing alcoholic beverages, not from the point of view of an expert, but from the point of view of someone who has very little idea of what he’s doing. I don’t know what “undertones” or “notes” are in a drink, and when I hear advanced wine tasters describe what they do it kinda comes across as the most ridiculous douchebaggery. I don’t know what kinds of wines or spirits exist beyond some basic Wikipedia pages. I just bought my first wine glasses and tumblers.

However, I’m dedicated to providing an informative and interesting experience for everyone who may be interested. And if you’re leaving Mormonism or you’ve left Mormonism and your journey into the world of adult beverages is anything like mine, maybe we can learn from each other. Enjoy the blog!