The dilemma I am 43 and facing a crisis. I spent my 20s battling illness and terrible choices in men, and my 30s addressing those choices. Then I met my husband and the past four years have been incredible. I never knew how good relationships could be. But there is an elephant in the room. Soon after meeting, my husband said he didn't want kids. I said I couldn't continue the relationship. He agreed to think about children, and I thought things would change. They didn't. We are both healthy, fit and fertile, and I come from a family of women who had babies late, so hope lingers. I've tried anger, calm explanation, reasoning, I even tried stealth (harder than you might think!) but I know that if I got pregnant my husband would leave. I oscillate between believing I would be better off as a single parent and not wanting to live without him. My husband stares at me like a lost puppy, scared I'll leave and guilty that he's helped create this terrible situation. Objectively I know we can have a great life together without kids, but to have his final decision has left me bereft. While I still ovulate I feel a part of me dying inside each month. We can't continue like this, otherwise we will destroy ourselves.



Mariella replies I agree. And I don't think it's just about babies. Compromise, communication and commitment are required in industrial quantities if you are to stand a chance of your relationship surviving through the decades. There is no room for absolutes. Taking such an emphatic position on what for many is a lynchpin of coupling is not democratic and your husband's stance, whether about babies or what sofa to buy, is not emblematic of a healthy partnership. The only way total refusal can work is if he liberates you to pursue your parenting desire elsewhere with impunity. Sitting around like "a lost puppy", immobilised by fear that you will leave him, is not acceptable. He has made a choice and he should "man up" about the consequences. None of us knows what lies ahead and to make unilateral decisions when you've elected to work as a team is not at all democratic. It's not like this is some trifling and unforeseen matter.

I get so many letters about this issue, frequently from women but occasionally from men, that many go unanswered so I don't end up trawling the same topic week after week. It begs the question why so many of us enter relationships asking fewer questions about the beliefs and intentions of our prospective partner than we would in a job interview.

If you're planning on sharing your life, no easy feat at the best of times, it's a good idea to get a clear picture about their feelings on the issues that matter to you. Not only whether they want children but also how they believe in raising them. Who they think should be the main breadwinner and how that will affect your domestic life. Do they have ambitions and dreams that complement your own or are they very happy to chug along observing the status quo? What they'd do if they won the lottery is often very illuminating, too. If they announce a long-cherished penchant for a Lamborghini and a holiday apartment in Miami, it will tell you plenty about your partner's values.

Being able to keep surprising each other is a healthy aspiration, but not when it comes to the things that really matter. Marriage certainly isn't solely about children but having them is one of the compelling reasons to try to make a long-term go of a partnership. That said, some of the most inspiring relationships I've observed have been couples who, for one reason or another, haven't had children. Deciding not to have a family isn't a reason to split up if it reflects the desires of both parties, and for many it proves a liberating and fulfilling way of life.

It's worth checking your fertility levels, as ovulating alone isn't a gauge of your fertility and it seems a shame to throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.

Whether to have children or not doesn't seem the only issue. What's causing your problems is the way you two are arriving at such conclusions. You will struggle to live with a man who appears to care so little for what you desire most, and there can be little joy for him in a partnership where he'll forever be to blame for denying you the experience of parenthood.

Sit down and have a discussion about your individual visions of a future that isn't solely to the tick of your biological clock. Only then can you decide if it should be one in which you remain united.



If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to theguardian.com/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1