WASHINGTON—Officials announced today that, as of this morning, every last person in the entire nation has successfully paired off with their respective romantic partner and is enjoying a fulfilling relationship, with the exception of all the losers. “Everyone in the United States who is in any way attractive or desirable is now happily coupled with a significant other,” said Census Bureau deputy director Nancy Potok, noting that the whole of the American populace, minus the losers, officially completed the coupling process at 11:30 a.m. today, when Atlanta residents Keri Fowler and Curtis Jones decided to start seeing each other exclusively. “The remaining single people out there have been deemed entirely unappealing by all potential mates. If you’re not in a relationship now, you never will be. Our research has confirmed that some people in this world simply don’t deserve love.” Potok added that there was zero possibility of the single losers being able to pair off with other single losers, due to the fact that they’re all such total losers.

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