Atlantic Canada — With nationwide minimum wage increases brewing, Tim Hortons is looking for ways to cut costs. It was reported today that the Ontario location owned by children of the chain’s founders will be slashing employee benefits and paid breaks to accommodate the higher pay.

And now that Tims is being forced to pay employees something closer to a living wage, every location Canada-wide will also be pouring mostly water into their coffee.

“You thought it was crap before? Well, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet — now each cup is going to be a third burnt-tasting coffee, two-thirds metallic tap-water,” said one anonymous store manager. “We got a letter this morning from the CEO saying that, regardless of customer complaints, we’re to serve water-coffee for the same price the regular coffee was. We’re also going to be cutting the donuts in half and charging the same price. They’ll be C-shaped, not the traditional O. People are gonna lose their shit — I’m not looking forward to the backlash.”

“What the actual fuck is this?! OMG…I am losing my shit!!” screamed patron Patricia O’Connell of Saint John, N.B., the first unfortunate customer to experience the terrible taste of the “new” coffee and to pay full price for half a Boston Cream. “This tastes just like my water at home, except it scalded my tongue! And my tapwater probably has more caffeine in it, too.”

O’Connnell then poured her greyish brown coffee-water onto the Tims counter in protest. Employees seemed to understand her dismay, and just looked at her sadly. She said she’d be back tomorrow, of course, but emphasized that she’s “not happy about it.”

Tim Hortons CEO Darren Bellieu, in a phone call with The Manatee, claimed that although he knows customers will be upset about the drastic cost-saving measures, it should not fall to big business to absorb losses. He stated that employees obviously have no say in anything, and that customer buying habits will not be impacted.

“These people are addicted, simply put,” he said blithely. “I could puke into a bowl and serve it as soup and these people would eat it up. Do you really think coffee that’s mostly water will stop them? I’ve seen a guy down a double-double that one of our employees dropped an entire cigarette into. Guy didn’t even blink.”