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During uncertainty, humans find solace in reversion.

When the world is galloping at a frenzied pace, and the future is opaque and unknowable, our behaviour becomes instinctive and animal. Instead of considered criticism we moan and beat our breasts; instead of focusing we are wild-eyed and unhinged. And instead of taking a measured hand to our baser instincts, we toss off without restraint.

After all, if the world’s f**ked, we might as well get on the f**king programme.

For since the announcement of the US election result, London has been on heat. Cast adrift by the frightening will of a disenchanted American electorate, we are seeking safety in the arms (and genitals, mainly genitals) of other people. One 26-year-old Londoner reports that since Wednesday morning Tinder has been re-enlivened with viable options.

“The US election is excellent Tinder fodder,” he confirms. “Everyone wants to commiserate. It’s the ultimate unifier.” Another says her election party felt a bit like a school disco, with couples cuddling up on sofas, pawing at each other. One girl went to bed in spent despair at 3am, shortly after Florida was announced, her boyfriend trailing after her. But instead of sleeping, they found themselves knocking around. “I couldn’t sleep,” she says baldly. “And something about the tension of the evening made it kind of exciting.”

Conversely, there are some for whom love does not trump hate — others are co-opting some of their feelings about Donald Trump (specifically, hatred) and channelling them into furious hate sex with exes (like one 26-year-old Londoner who found herself making eyes at an ex at an election night party). Ultimately, when you’re maddened to distraction about the state of the world, there’s something gratifyingly destructive about grabbing someone whom you despise and wrestling with your anger by wrestling with each other.

Humans typically greet disaster with hedonism. Bad days, bad weeks, bad dates: all are judged suitable excuses to take ourselves down with uncontrolled energy. Been dumped? Get smashed. Dumping someone? You’ll need Dutch courage for the unpleasant monologue. When Arsenal wins, you wake up face down in a Firezza pizza; when Arsenal loses you end up face down in a casino, a cleaner vacuuming around your prostrate form.

Furthermore, after this year, Londoners have form for fatalistic dissipation. As many have remarked on social media, the UK foreshadowed Trump with its own political meltdown when we voted for Brexit — and duly, those first few dissolute weeks after the vote became known as “Fuxit”. “Might as well have another drink, we’re leaving the EU,” you’d say ruefully, no one calling you up on this mystifying non sequitur.

For it didn’t feel like a non sequitur — as far as you were concerned, the two were tangled inextricably. The capital was stunned and stung, and pubs teemed with the gormless and aghast, everyone drinking far more than they should and having wretched, rueful conversations about what the hell was going to happen now. In the first fortnight you were invited to three “End of the World” parties; you attended all with the solemn, civic duty of a visiting royal. Indeed, even the anti-Brexit protests over the summer felt carnivalesque: hordes of young people, many wielding bottles and tins, dancing through the streets, obstinate, furious and contrary.

Over the weekend, many attended another round of “End of the World” parties. Some opted for big boozy dinners that melted from early evening into the small hours of the morning, taking the minds of the guests with them. At some point, someone played Bruce Springsteen and wept unironically for the death of the American Dream. Bars including Kansas Smitty’s on Broadway Market offered free shots of bourbon to its customers. Others just did it themselves: a 24-year-old Londoner confesses he’s been drinking on and off ever since Wednesday morning. “On the morning of the result I had a glass of wine,” he admits. “I didn’t know what else to do.” He went to a blow-out in Whitechapel on Friday evening. Some of the post-apocalyptic parties are more glamorous, though: last Thursday, fashion designer Stella McCartney threw one at Abbey Road Studios, where guests included Kate Moss and Neneh Cherry chucked back tequilas and tried to pretend none of this was happening.

Donald Trump President-elect Protest - In pictures 15 show all Donald Trump President-elect Protest - In pictures 1/15 Protesters reach Trump Tower as they march against Republican president-elect Donald Trump in the neighborhood of Manhattan in New York Eduardo Munoz/Reuters 2/15 Thousands of anti-Donald Trump protesters shut down 5th Avenue in front of Trump Tower as New Yorkers react to the election of Trump as president of the United States Spencer Platt/Getty Images 3/15 A Donald Trump pinata is burned by people protesting the election of Republican Donald Trump as the president of the United States in downtown Los Angeles, California Mario Anzuoni/Reuters 4/15 Protesters march along Fifth Avenue outside Trump Tower Julie Jacobson/AP 5/15 Thousands of protesters march down 2nd Avenue in Seattle, Washington Karen Ducey/Getty Images 6/15 People attend a candlelight vigil after Hillary Clinton's loss to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election on Pennsylvania Avenue outside the White House, in Washington, DC Michael Reynolds/EPA 7/15 Demostrators protest on top of a bus outside of the Trump Tower John Gress/Getty Images 8/15 Police make a line to prevent protesters from marching in Oakland, California Marcio Jose Sanchez/AP 9/15 Protesters carry a paper head of President-elect Donald Trump during a protest in front of City Hall in Los Angeles Keith Birmingham/The Pasadena Star-News/SCNG via AP 10/15 A man tries to remove "Kill Trump" graffiti as demonstrators riot in Oakland, California Noah Berger/Reuters 11/15 Protesters demonstrate on Fifth Avenue outside Trump Tower Julie Jacobson/AP 12/15 Demonstrators gather during a protest against President-elect Donald Trump outside the City Hall building in Los Angeles, California Eugene Garcia/EPA 13/15 Demonstrators block the street during a protest outside the Trump International Hotel and Tower following President-elect Donald Trump's election victory in Manhattan, New York Andrew Kelly/Reuters 14/15 People participate in a protest against the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States in New York, Alba Vigaray/EPA 15/15 Students at the University of Texas at Austin lead a protest down to Congress Bridge in Austin, Texas Joshua Guerra//The Daily Texan via AP 1/15 Protesters reach Trump Tower as they march against Republican president-elect Donald Trump in the neighborhood of Manhattan in New York Eduardo Munoz/Reuters 2/15 Thousands of anti-Donald Trump protesters shut down 5th Avenue in front of Trump Tower as New Yorkers react to the election of Trump as president of the United States Spencer Platt/Getty Images 3/15 A Donald Trump pinata is burned by people protesting the election of Republican Donald Trump as the president of the United States in downtown Los Angeles, California Mario Anzuoni/Reuters 4/15 Protesters march along Fifth Avenue outside Trump Tower Julie Jacobson/AP 5/15 Thousands of protesters march down 2nd Avenue in Seattle, Washington Karen Ducey/Getty Images 6/15 People attend a candlelight vigil after Hillary Clinton's loss to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election on Pennsylvania Avenue outside the White House, in Washington, DC Michael Reynolds/EPA 7/15 Demostrators protest on top of a bus outside of the Trump Tower John Gress/Getty Images 8/15 Police make a line to prevent protesters from marching in Oakland, California Marcio Jose Sanchez/AP 9/15 Protesters carry a paper head of President-elect Donald Trump during a protest in front of City Hall in Los Angeles Keith Birmingham/The Pasadena Star-News/SCNG via AP 10/15 A man tries to remove "Kill Trump" graffiti as demonstrators riot in Oakland, California Noah Berger/Reuters 11/15 Protesters demonstrate on Fifth Avenue outside Trump Tower Julie Jacobson/AP 12/15 Demonstrators gather during a protest against President-elect Donald Trump outside the City Hall building in Los Angeles, California Eugene Garcia/EPA 13/15 Demonstrators block the street during a protest outside the Trump International Hotel and Tower following President-elect Donald Trump's election victory in Manhattan, New York Andrew Kelly/Reuters 14/15 People participate in a protest against the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States in New York, Alba Vigaray/EPA 15/15 Students at the University of Texas at Austin lead a protest down to Congress Bridge in Austin, Texas Joshua Guerra//The Daily Texan via AP

But to return to the f**king point — why has this new revolution resulted in sex, specifically? After all, Trump is an extraordinarily unlikely talisman for a new mood of lust. He is slimy and odious; he has a thatch of faux hair suspended about an inch above his scalp, and the small, adipose hands of a poorly rendered waxwork. He is, patently, revolting — and his image is everywhere. In theory, this should counter even our strongest instincts to shag away the misery: the mere knowledge that such a man exists, let alone is now set to be the next leader of the free world, should be a convincing turn-off.

Partly, the reaction could be consistent with historic reactions to chaos. After both the First and Second world wars, birth rates in both the UK and US spiked: in 1920, roughly 1.1 million babies were born in the UK, a statistical anomaly. More recently there are quasi-anecdotal reports that Hurricane Sandy, which roared through the US eastern seaboard in 2012, might have set off its own spike: two New Jersey hospitals reported 34 per cent and 20 per cent increases in births about nine months after the storm. Certainly, when you’re armoured inside your apartment during a power cut, shagging is a (relatively) low-risk distraction.

But — and bear with me — there could also be something specifically about the Trump phenomenon that’s conjuring this blue mood. Undeniably, the whole Trump circus is trashy: brash and bright, uncompromising and top shelf, and XXX-rated. It is latex and wipe-clean and sinful. Compare and contrast the pneumatic Babes for Trump Instagram (10.7k followers) with the clean, sincere documentation of the official White House photographer, Pete Souza. The Obamas are peerless and angelic; Trump is the low-rent replacement. It’s art house versus pornography: guilty pleasures have the upper hand after stretches of good behaviour. Perhaps Trump’s evil functions as a sort of fetish. If you’re a real pervert, you could be in for a fun four years.

Donald Trump - In pictures 76 show all Donald Trump - In pictures 1/76 Acceptance speech Republican president-elect Donald Trump gives a thumbs up to the crowd during his acceptance speech at his election night event at the New York Hilton Midtown in the early morning hours of 9 November 2016 in New York Getty Images 2/76 Little Trump Donald Trump pictured when he was 4 years old Donald J Trump/Instagram 3/76 The Trump Princess Donald Trump waves to reporters in 1988 with his first wife Ivana as they board their yacht 'The Trump Princess' in New York AP 4/76 Donald Trump stands next to one of his three Sikorsky helicopters at New York Port Authority's West 30 Street Heliport in 1988 5/76 Out on the town Trump and his first wife Ivana arrive at a social engagement in New York in December 1989 AFP/Getty Images 6/76 Surviving at the top Trump followed up his successful book The Art of the Deal with Surviving At The Top in 1990 Random House 7/76 Meeting the King of Pop With Michael Jackson in 1990 FilmMagic 8/76 Taking a break with Miss Universe contestants Donald Trump meets Miss Universe contestants during a break in rehearsals in the Imperial Ballroom at Atlantis, Paradise Island, Bahamas in 1990 Miss Universe Organization via AP 9/76 Genie of the lamp Donald Trump stands next to a genie lamp in 1990 as the lights of his Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort mark its grand opening in Atlantic City AP 10/76 Marla's wedding day Donald and Marla Trump at their wedding in 1993 AP 11/76 Donald Trump with daughter Ivanka at a Harley Davidson Cafe Event, New York City on 9 October 1993 Rex Features 12/76 New arival Marla and Donald Trump leave St. Mary's Hospital in West Palm Beach, Florida with their newborn baby girl, Tiffany on 14 October 1993 AP 13/76 Behind the lens Donald Trump takes a picture of Bridget Marks in 1993 after interviewing her for Playboy magazine's 40th anniversary playmate in New York AFP/Getty Images 14/76 Top Trump New York real estate giant Donald Trump poses in his Trump Tower office on a giant letter "T" on 08 May 1996 AFP/Getty Images 15/76 New love interest Donald Trump and Melania arrive for VH1's Divas Live concert at the Beacon Theater in New York City on 13 April 1999 Getty Images 16/76 Toasting in the New Year Donald Trump and Melania toast the new year during Trump's gala bash in 2000 The Sun-Sentinel/AP 17/76 Wax work A wax replica of Donald Trump stands ready to be put on display at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, New York City in 2000 Madame Tussaud's/Getty Images 18/76 Rebuild call Donald Trump talks in 2005 to reporters where he presented a proposal that the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center be rebuilt in New York Reuters 19/76 Cracking prformance Amy Poehler, Tracy Morgan, Donald Trump, Seth Myers, Maya Rudolph perform on Saturday Night Live in 2002 Rex 20/76 'How To Get Rich' Donald Trump poses with a copy of his new book 'How To Get Rich' during a book signing on 24 March 2004 at Barnes and Noble in Lincoln Center in New York Getty Images 21/76 Donald Trump and his daughter Ivanka (left) and girlfriend Melania Knauss (right) attend the "Dangerous Liaisons: Fashion and Furniture in the 18th Century" Costume Institute benefit gala on April 26, 2004 at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in New York City Getty Images 22/76 Fired up figure Donald Trump poses with the new Donald Trump 12-inch talking doll 29 September 2004 at the Toys "R" Us store in New York City Getty Images 23/76 Olympic flame Donald Trump carries the Olympic flame during Day 15 of the Athens 2004 Olympic Torch Relay on 19 June 19, 2004 in New York Getty Images 24/76 Donald Trump on The Celebrity Apprentice (2005) Rex Features 25/76 Anyone for golf? Donald Trump gestures as he arrives at the Old Course in St Andrews where he was meeting with the media to answer questions regarding Trump International Golf Links on 28 April 2005 in St Andrews, Scotland Getty Images 26/76 Hollywod star Donald Trump, billionaire developer and producer of NBC's "The Apprentice," with his wife, Melania, and their son, Barron, pose for a photo after he was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in Los Angeles in 2007 AP 27/76 In the Highlands U.S. property mogul Donald Trump gestures during a media event on the sand dunes of the Menie estate, the site for Trump's proposed golf resort, near Aberdeen, north east Scotland on 27 May 2010 Reuters 28/76 Donald Trump plays a round of golf after the opening of the The Trump International Golf Links Course in Scotland in 2012 Getty Images 29/76 Family time Donald Trump, Barron Trump and Melania Trump attends Trump Invitational Grand Prix Mar-a-Lago Club at The Mar-a-Largo Club on 04 January 2015 in Palm Beach, Florida Getty Images 30/76 Officially in the running U.S. Republican presidential candidate, real estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump poses with his family after formally announcing his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination during an event at Trump Tower in New York on 16 June 2015 Reuters 31/76 Love, life and laughter Donald Trump sits with his wife Melania Trump while appearing at an NBC Town Hall at the Today Show on 21 April 2016 in New York City. Getty Images 32/76 Thumbs up Donald Trump speaks on the last day of the Republican National Convention on 21 July 2016, in Cleveland, AFP/Getty Images 33/76 Don't cry for me ... Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump holds babies at a campaign rally in Colorado Springs, Colorado on 29 July 2016 Reuters 34/76 Donald Trump eating KFC on his private jet in August 2016 35/76 Is this really the Oval Office? Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump views a replica of the Oval Office on a tour of the Gerald Ford Presidential Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan on 30 September 2016 Reuters 36/76 Women for Trump Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump kisses a "Women for Trump" placard during a rally at the Lakeland Linder Regional Airport in Lakeland, Florida on 12 October 2016 AFP/Getty Images 37/76 In debate Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton speak during the second presidential debate at Washington University in St. Louis, America on 09 October 2016 AP 38/76 Love your country The future is orange: Republican U.S. presidential nominee Donald Trump hugs a U.S. flag on 24 October 2016 Reuters 39/76 U.S. President-elect U.S. President-elect Donald Trump speaks at his election night rally in Manhattan, New York, U.S. on 09 November 2016 Reuters 40/76 60 Minutes Donald Trump and wife Melania being interviewed on 13 November 2016 by Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes 60 Minutes/CBS 41/76 At The Whiie House US President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump meet in the Oval Office of the White House on 10 November 2016 EPA 42/76 Kiss-story Republican president-elect Donald Trump embraces his wife Melania Trump during his election night event at the New York Hilton Midtown in the early morning hours of 09 November 2016 in New York Getty Images 43/76 Person of the Year U.S. President-elect Donald Trump poses on the cover of Time Magazine after being named its person of the year, in a picture provided by the publication in New York on 7 December 2016 Time Magazine 44/76 Meeting Kanye U.S. President-elect Donald Trump and musician Kanye West pose for media at Trump Tower in Manhattan, New York on 13 December 2016 Reuters 45/76 First Press Conference President-elect Donald Trump stands with his son Eric Trump (left) daughter Ivanka and son Donald Trump Jr. (right) on 11 January 2017 Reuters 46/76 US President-elect Donald Trump and Vice President-elect Mike Pence take part in a wreath-laying ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington,Virginia 19 on January 2017 AFP/Getty Images 47/76 Big shoes to fill: US President-elect Donald Trump and his wife Melania arrive to attend an inauguration concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington on 19 January 2017 AFP/Getty Images 48/76 President-elect Donald Trump and his wife Melania arrive for a VIP reception and dinner with donors in Washington on 19 January 2017 AP 49/76 President Donald Trump takes the oath of office as his wife Melania Trump holds the bible and his son Barron Trump looks on, on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol on January 20, 2017 in Washington, DC Getty Images 50/76 British Prime Minister Theresa May and U.S. President Donald Trump walk along The Colonnade of the West Wing at The White House on January 27, 2017 in Washington, DC Getty Images 51/76 Pope Francis walks along with US President Donald Trump and US First Lady Melania Trump during a private audience at the Vatican in May 2017 AFP/Getty Images 52/76 US President Donald Trump inspects border wall prototypes in March 2018 AFP/Getty Images 53/76 Prime Minister Theresa May and U.S. President Donald Trump walk to a joint news conference at Chequers in July 2018 Reuters 54/76 US President Donald Trump takes the hand of Prime Minister Theresa May as they enter Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire in July 2018 PA 55/76 A six-meter high cartoon baby blimp of US President Donald Trump is set to fly as a protest against his visit July 2018 AP 56/76 Activists inflate a giant balloon depicting US President Donald Trump as an orange baby during a demonstration against Trump's visit to the UK in Parliament Square, London July 2018 AFP/Getty Images 57/76 Donald Trump with The Queen in July 2018 AP 58/76 German Chancellor Angela Merkel deliberates with US president Donald Trump on the sidelines of the official agenda on the second day of the G7 summit on June 9, 2018 in Charlevoix, Canada Getty Images 59/76 President Donald Trump meets North Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Sentosa Island in Singapore on 12 June 2018 Evan Vucci/AP 60/76 U.S. President Donald Trump meets with Russia's President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Finland in July 2018 Reuters 61/76 US President Donald Trump meets with rapper Kanye West in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC on 18th October 2018 AFP/Getty Images 62/76 Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian posed for a photograph together at the White House meeting Donald Trump/Twitter 63/76 A White House staff member reaches for the microphone held by CNN's Jim Acosta as he questions U.S. President Donald Trump during a news conference in November 2018 Reuters 64/76 President Donald Trump looks over tables of fast food for the the college football playoff champion Clemson Tigers in the State Dining Room of the White House in January 2019 Reuters 65/76 US President Donald Trump (L) shakes hands with North Korea's leader Kim Jong Un following a meeting at the Sofitel Legend Metropole hotel in Hanoi on February 27, 2019 AFP/Getty Images 66/76 Donald Trump (left) with Nigel Farage when they met met face-to-face on 2nd March 2019 PA/White House 67/76 President Donald Trump smiles at Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, right, after signing a proclamation in the Diplomatic Reception Room at the White House in Washington, Monday, March 25, 2019 AP 68/76 US President Donald Trump (L) First Lady Melania Trump (C) and Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe' Akie Abe (R) watch a sumo battle during the Summer Grand Sumo Tournament in Tokyo on May 26, 2019 AFP/Getty Images 69/76 President Donald Trump gestures after receiving a prayer at McLean Bible Church on 2nd June 2019 AP 70/76 US President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump make their way to board Air Force One on 2nd June 2019 AFP/Getty Images 71/76 Donald and Melania Trump arrive at Stansted Airport on 3rd June 2019 AP 72/76 President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin are pictured ahead a meeting in Helsinki on July 16, 2018 AFP/Getty Images 73/76 Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg watches as Donald Trump enters the United Nations to speak with reporters on September 23, 2019 Reuters 74/76 Britain's Prime Minister Boris Johnson shakes hands with U.S. President Donald Trump during a welcoming ceremony at the NATO leaders summit in Watford on December 4, 2019 Reuters 75/76 President Donald Trump speaks at a campaign rally Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2020, in Milwauke AP 76/76 US president Donald Trump delivers a speech at the Congres center during the World Economic Forum (WEF) annual meeting in Davos, on January 21, 2020 AFP via Getty Images 1/76 Acceptance speech Republican president-elect Donald Trump gives a thumbs up to the crowd during his acceptance speech at his election night event at the New York Hilton Midtown in the early morning hours of 9 November 2016 in New York Getty Images 2/76 Little Trump Donald Trump pictured when he was 4 years old Donald J Trump/Instagram 3/76 The Trump Princess Donald Trump waves to reporters in 1988 with his first wife Ivana as they board their yacht 'The Trump Princess' in New York AP 4/76 Donald Trump stands next to one of his three Sikorsky helicopters at New York Port Authority's West 30 Street Heliport in 1988 5/76 Out on the town Trump and his first wife Ivana arrive at a social engagement in New York in December 1989 AFP/Getty Images 6/76 Surviving at the top Trump followed up his successful book The Art of the Deal with Surviving At The Top in 1990 Random House 7/76 Meeting the King of Pop With Michael Jackson in 1990 FilmMagic 8/76 Taking a break with Miss Universe contestants Donald Trump meets Miss Universe contestants during a break in rehearsals in the Imperial Ballroom at Atlantis, Paradise Island, Bahamas in 1990 Miss Universe Organization via AP 9/76 Genie of the lamp Donald Trump stands next to a genie lamp in 1990 as the lights of his Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort mark its grand opening in Atlantic City AP 10/76 Marla's wedding day Donald and Marla Trump at their wedding in 1993 AP 11/76 Donald Trump with daughter Ivanka at a Harley Davidson Cafe Event, New York City on 9 October 1993 Rex Features 12/76 New arival Marla and Donald Trump leave St. Mary's Hospital in West Palm Beach, Florida with their newborn baby girl, Tiffany on 14 October 1993 AP 13/76 Behind the lens Donald Trump takes a picture of Bridget Marks in 1993 after interviewing her for Playboy magazine's 40th anniversary playmate in New York AFP/Getty Images 14/76 Top Trump New York real estate giant Donald Trump poses in his Trump Tower office on a giant letter "T" on 08 May 1996 AFP/Getty Images 15/76 New love interest Donald Trump and Melania arrive for VH1's Divas Live concert at the Beacon Theater in New York City on 13 April 1999 Getty Images 16/76 Toasting in the New Year Donald Trump and Melania toast the new year during Trump's gala bash in 2000 The Sun-Sentinel/AP 17/76 Wax work A wax replica of Donald Trump stands ready to be put on display at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, New York City in 2000 Madame Tussaud's/Getty Images 18/76 Rebuild call Donald Trump talks in 2005 to reporters where he presented a proposal that the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center be rebuilt in New York Reuters 19/76 Cracking prformance Amy Poehler, Tracy Morgan, Donald Trump, Seth Myers, Maya Rudolph perform on Saturday Night Live in 2002 Rex 20/76 'How To Get Rich' Donald Trump poses with a copy of his new book 'How To Get Rich' during a book signing on 24 March 2004 at Barnes and Noble in Lincoln Center in New York Getty Images 21/76 Donald Trump and his daughter Ivanka (left) and girlfriend Melania Knauss (right) attend the "Dangerous Liaisons: Fashion and Furniture in the 18th Century" Costume Institute benefit gala on April 26, 2004 at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in New York City Getty Images 22/76 Fired up figure Donald Trump poses with the new Donald Trump 12-inch talking doll 29 September 2004 at the Toys "R" Us store in New York City Getty Images 23/76 Olympic flame Donald Trump carries the Olympic flame during Day 15 of the Athens 2004 Olympic Torch Relay on 19 June 19, 2004 in New York Getty Images 24/76 Donald Trump on The Celebrity Apprentice (2005) Rex Features 25/76 Anyone for golf? Donald Trump gestures as he arrives at the Old Course in St Andrews where he was meeting with the media to answer questions regarding Trump International Golf Links on 28 April 2005 in St Andrews, Scotland Getty Images 26/76 Hollywod star Donald Trump, billionaire developer and producer of NBC's "The Apprentice," with his wife, Melania, and their son, Barron, pose for a photo after he was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in Los Angeles in 2007 AP 27/76 In the Highlands U.S. property mogul Donald Trump gestures during a media event on the sand dunes of the Menie estate, the site for Trump's proposed golf resort, near Aberdeen, north east Scotland on 27 May 2010 Reuters 28/76 Donald Trump plays a round of golf after the opening of the The Trump International Golf Links Course in Scotland in 2012 Getty Images 29/76 Family time Donald Trump, Barron Trump and Melania Trump attends Trump Invitational Grand Prix Mar-a-Lago Club at The Mar-a-Largo Club on 04 January 2015 in Palm Beach, Florida Getty Images 30/76 Officially in the running U.S. Republican presidential candidate, real estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump poses with his family after formally announcing his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination during an event at Trump Tower in New York on 16 June 2015 Reuters 31/76 Love, life and laughter Donald Trump sits with his wife Melania Trump while appearing at an NBC Town Hall at the Today Show on 21 April 2016 in New York City. Getty Images 32/76 Thumbs up Donald Trump speaks on the last day of the Republican National Convention on 21 July 2016, in Cleveland, AFP/Getty Images 33/76 Don't cry for me ... Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump holds babies at a campaign rally in Colorado Springs, Colorado on 29 July 2016 Reuters 34/76 Donald Trump eating KFC on his private jet in August 2016 35/76 Is this really the Oval Office? Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump views a replica of the Oval Office on a tour of the Gerald Ford Presidential Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan on 30 September 2016 Reuters 36/76 Women for Trump Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump kisses a "Women for Trump" placard during a rally at the Lakeland Linder Regional Airport in Lakeland, Florida on 12 October 2016 AFP/Getty Images 37/76 In debate Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton speak during the second presidential debate at Washington University in St. Louis, America on 09 October 2016 AP 38/76 Love your country The future is orange: Republican U.S. presidential nominee Donald Trump hugs a U.S. flag on 24 October 2016 Reuters 39/76 U.S. President-elect U.S. President-elect Donald Trump speaks at his election night rally in Manhattan, New York, U.S. on 09 November 2016 Reuters 40/76 60 Minutes Donald Trump and wife Melania being interviewed on 13 November 2016 by Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes 60 Minutes/CBS 41/76 At The Whiie House US President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump meet in the Oval Office of the White House on 10 November 2016 EPA 42/76 Kiss-story Republican president-elect Donald Trump embraces his wife Melania Trump during his election night event at the New York Hilton Midtown in the early morning hours of 09 November 2016 in New York Getty Images 43/76 Person of the Year U.S. President-elect Donald Trump poses on the cover of Time Magazine after being named its person of the year, in a picture provided by the publication in New York on 7 December 2016 Time Magazine 44/76 Meeting Kanye U.S. President-elect Donald Trump and musician Kanye West pose for media at Trump Tower in Manhattan, New York on 13 December 2016 Reuters 45/76 First Press Conference President-elect Donald Trump stands with his son Eric Trump (left) daughter Ivanka and son Donald Trump Jr. (right) on 11 January 2017 Reuters 46/76 US President-elect Donald Trump and Vice President-elect Mike Pence take part in a wreath-laying ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington,Virginia 19 on January 2017 AFP/Getty Images 47/76 Big shoes to fill: US President-elect Donald Trump and his wife Melania arrive to attend an inauguration concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington on 19 January 2017 AFP/Getty Images 48/76 President-elect Donald Trump and his wife Melania arrive for a VIP reception and dinner with donors in Washington on 19 January 2017 AP 49/76 President Donald Trump takes the oath of office as his wife Melania Trump holds the bible and his son Barron Trump looks on, on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol on January 20, 2017 in Washington, DC Getty Images 50/76 British Prime Minister Theresa May and U.S. President Donald Trump walk along The Colonnade of the West Wing at The White House on January 27, 2017 in Washington, DC Getty Images 51/76 Pope Francis walks along with US President Donald Trump and US First Lady Melania Trump during a private audience at the Vatican in May 2017 AFP/Getty Images 52/76 US President Donald Trump inspects border wall prototypes in March 2018 AFP/Getty Images 53/76 Prime Minister Theresa May and U.S. President Donald Trump walk to a joint news conference at Chequers in July 2018 Reuters 54/76 US President Donald Trump takes the hand of Prime Minister Theresa May as they enter Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire in July 2018 PA 55/76 A six-meter high cartoon baby blimp of US President Donald Trump is set to fly as a protest against his visit July 2018 AP 56/76 Activists inflate a giant balloon depicting US President Donald Trump as an orange baby during a demonstration against Trump's visit to the UK in Parliament Square, London July 2018 AFP/Getty Images 57/76 Donald Trump with The Queen in July 2018 AP 58/76 German Chancellor Angela Merkel deliberates with US president Donald Trump on the sidelines of the official agenda on the second day of the G7 summit on June 9, 2018 in Charlevoix, Canada Getty Images 59/76 President Donald Trump meets North Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Sentosa Island in Singapore on 12 June 2018 Evan Vucci/AP 60/76 U.S. President Donald Trump meets with Russia's President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Finland in July 2018 Reuters 61/76 US President Donald Trump meets with rapper Kanye West in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC on 18th October 2018 AFP/Getty Images 62/76 Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian posed for a photograph together at the White House meeting Donald Trump/Twitter 63/76 A White House staff member reaches for the microphone held by CNN's Jim Acosta as he questions U.S. President Donald Trump during a news conference in November 2018 Reuters 64/76 President Donald Trump looks over tables of fast food for the the college football playoff champion Clemson Tigers in the State Dining Room of the White House in January 2019 Reuters 65/76 US President Donald Trump (L) shakes hands with North Korea's leader Kim Jong Un following a meeting at the Sofitel Legend Metropole hotel in Hanoi on February 27, 2019 AFP/Getty Images 66/76 Donald Trump (left) with Nigel Farage when they met met face-to-face on 2nd March 2019 PA/White House 67/76 President Donald Trump smiles at Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, right, after signing a proclamation in the Diplomatic Reception Room at the White House in Washington, Monday, March 25, 2019 AP 68/76 US President Donald Trump (L) First Lady Melania Trump (C) and Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe' Akie Abe (R) watch a sumo battle during the Summer Grand Sumo Tournament in Tokyo on May 26, 2019 AFP/Getty Images 69/76 President Donald Trump gestures after receiving a prayer at McLean Bible Church on 2nd June 2019 AP 70/76 US President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump make their way to board Air Force One on 2nd June 2019 AFP/Getty Images 71/76 Donald and Melania Trump arrive at Stansted Airport on 3rd June 2019 AP 72/76 President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin are pictured ahead a meeting in Helsinki on July 16, 2018 AFP/Getty Images 73/76 Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg watches as Donald Trump enters the United Nations to speak with reporters on September 23, 2019 Reuters 74/76 Britain's Prime Minister Boris Johnson shakes hands with U.S. President Donald Trump during a welcoming ceremony at the NATO leaders summit in Watford on December 4, 2019 Reuters 75/76 President Donald Trump speaks at a campaign rally Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2020, in Milwauke AP 76/76 US president Donald Trump delivers a speech at the Congres center during the World Economic Forum (WEF) annual meeting in Davos, on January 21, 2020 AFP via Getty Images

Obviously this is not to deny or make light of the fact that he is a venal, unpleasant piece of work. Ultimately, however nasty you might like your sex life, you’re not going to like his brand of nasty when he is inaugurated on January 20 and this all becomes wincingly real. But for now, in the intoxicated aftermath, as the world unbridles irrevocably and we anticipate further chaos — though remain unsure what form it will take — we will be going at each other like zealots committed to the religion of sin.

So if you are going to use the collapse of the world’s pre-eminent democracy as an excuse for a shag, there are, obviously, rules. Firstly and crucially, don’t do anything that makes anyone else uncomfortable: you should not be grabbing anyone by the crotch unless they explicitly ask you to. Be careful with Americans — you might find out they voted for him (unless that’s what you’re into) and you might also find out they are so miserable that they find your pragmatism in the face of disaster to be a grave insult to their national honour. Indeed, be sensitive to the many people who are taking this far, far more seriously than you.

Do not swap notes about your favourite post-apocalyptic op-ed pieces as pillow talk (or worse, as dirty talk). Do not suggest watching Newsnight to “get yourself in the mood”. And do not trust anyone who suggests that one or either of you dress up as Trump. There is perversion and then there is abomination.

This is the winter of our discontent — and it’s going to be a f**king long ride.

Follow Phoebe Luckhurst: @phoebeluckhurst