If you know me, you know that the original Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my favorite movies of all time. Not a year goes by without seeing it at least once in theatres, and it’s a fun time for all. I always dreaded the fact that someone would remake it. It can’t be done, I said.

And then this happened.

It starts off decent enough, with a tasteful prologue in a movie theatre where an usherette named Trixie, played by Ivy Levan, singing a rendition of the iconic opening song, Science Fiction Double Feature. It perfectly captures the mood of a screening of Rocky, and the anticipation (heh) of a night of fun.

The rest of the music is alright. It’s not good, but it’s not bad either. The choreography for The Time Warp is a little weird. Toucha Toucha Touch Me is a little too tame for a song about a woman’s sexual awakening. Other than that, most of the music is rather unremarkable.

And then comes the Floor Show, my favorite part of the film. I cringed during Rose Tint My World; it just wasn’t that good. Then, right after Don’t Dream it, which isn’t as epic as the original, they CUT TO COMMERCIAL. You do not cut to commercial during the Floor Show. They seemed to do that a lot during the climax of the film, and that singlehandedly ruined the film for me and left me in a sour mood as Tim Curry (the REAL MVP of this whole mess), brought it all to a close.

The acting was kinda odd in some places, especially with Columbia seemingly snoozing her way through the film. She couldn’t even DIE convincingly. Laverne Cox chewed the scenery as Dr. Frank N Furter, but for some reason, came off more as a Cruella DeVil type.

Yeah, let’s talk about Frank N Furter for a minute. I get what Fox was trying to do by casting one of the most popular transgender actresses as Frankie, but honestly, it could do more harm than good. Frank is a transvestite. It’s right there in his first number. Thanks partially to Rocky, I can tell the difference between a man in lingerie and an actual transgender woman. Some people can’t. Do you see the problem?

To close this rambling take on tonight’s events, let’s conduct an experiment. Let’s say that Rocky Horror as we know it doesn’t exist, and until now, stayed an obscure stage musical by a game show host (”START THE FANS, PLEASE!”) from New Zealand. Somehow, an executive at Fox decided to make this musical into a TV special, the one we just watched. Would people still be shocked by this? Probably not. It’s too squeaky clean and sanitized to be truly shocking, especially the seduction scenes and Toucha Toucha. What’s the point of Rocky Horror if it doesn’t shock people?

In short, turn the TV off and go to your nearest screening of the one, the only, the genuine Rocky Horror Picture Show. You’ll thank me later.