Welcome to Westology, a new series in which Chinese experts explains the West.

Part One: The Twelve Days of Christmas with Professor Xifang Shuo, PhD

Hello! I am Professor Xifang, but foreigner friends can call me by my English name, Michael Scofield. It is a good name because Michael is fierce, intelligent and handsome. I hope we can have a good chat alway and discuss the communication for my field of the expertise, which is the great study of Westology.

My colleagues and I at the famous Renda University have been created this new field from collaborative-harmonious cooperating partnerships with all of the world’s best universities’ ‘Sinology’ departments to bridge mutually-cohesive cultural bondage and understandings. I am carnivorously honored to be writing this column for the betterment of.

What is Westology? As The People’s Republic of China has opened its doors to the World to enrich the West with its 5,000 years of history, more and stranger customs have come to sleep at the curious mother dragon’s doorstep – and this has left a lot of Chinese puzzled and interested. Looking at my calendar makes us wonder to what to do with all these funny and interesting persons. These days have more come to the very cold November rain, and I know all of my closest and most good foreigner friends have been gaily anticipating the coming of snow as ‘white’ as their beautiful skin. It is the time of giving each other gifts on the God’s birthday and waiting for an hirsute uncle with a sack to be invading the home.

How to enjoy Christmas properly What can a Chinese do to enjoy the Christmas Day with all their handsome and beautiful friends? Is it, therefore, surprising to find that Westerners have a famous song to sing on each day of the twelve days-long Santa season – it opens on December 25 and closes on January 8, like the Jewish holiday – the song is called “Twelve Days of Christmas” and we can learn what to sing each day and what it means is important and good.

We will now “bridge the understandment” of the song’s words’ meanings:

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…” – Christmas is a time for families to show how they want to share their loves inside you, in the heart hole. The first day is for the truly loving-giving.

“A partridge in a pear tree…” – The first gift Westerners give to each other is a kind of rare mountain bird, nesting in a tree blossoming with pears. I have already tried the wrapping of the bird to give to my foreigner colleague and the creature died. I made a soup.

“Two turtle doves…” – Imagine my surprise to discover modern technologies that make a tortoise and peace bird come together. I know that foreigners have different cultures but it is troublesome to know they arrogantly play the science with living animals.

“Three French hens…” – French is a good country, very developed. They have cheese, bread, wine, toast and sex. Their’s is an old culture, but not as old as 5,000 years of continuing history. French people have good chickens.

“Four calling birds…” – Birds using phones are a little bit strange, even for a song about holiday season. But the questions as old as time remains: who do the birds call and what do they say? And why not more polite and use SMS first? Do birds know about expensive phone bills?

“Five gold rings…” – I have done little to no research into this, but this is a reference to the Olympics spirit of new culture, new China, new Beijing, all things great and Olympic. One world, one dream, the rings of color are golden!

“Six geese a-laying…” – These birds have a very advanced level of laying technique. But no one knows why.

“Seven swans a-swimming…” – Expert swans that swimming on top A-level is impressive. Must be very muscled birds, strong and fierce, and certainly tasty. In UK, these animals are protected by the Queen and it is an act of treasonous to kill one. Yet nowhere there are signs to explain this.

“Eight maids a-milking…” – So many expert people and animals. Maids represent the desire of all Westerners men to be attracted to their milking in their subconscious, just like famous psychologist Freud says.

“Nine ladies dancing…” – Beauty lady dancing is for the funny party time with drinking and happy. Westerners use the ninth day of Christmas to have crazy party. Maybe I will too.

“Ten lords a-leaping…” – In my dictionary the word “lord” has too many meanings to make an accurate assessment of this lyric’s meaning.

“Eleven pipers piping…” – After years of studying Western stories, I read that a man with pipes plays for rats and they follow him. Eleven men with pipes are too many rats for me. This is a crazy holiday!

“On the twelfth day my true love sent to me…” – The final line in the song is about what Christmas is truly meaning: what the person you’re supposed to love offers you for a gift.

This year, the God will be two thousand and thirteen years old, which is old enough to be rich and long in history but still be developing. On the very especially

Christmas morning, do as the Romans do and get up with the early worm that catches the time and say a very “Happy Birthday the God!”

Now that we are better together with cultural understandings. I think there’s nothing so beautiful as making friend but now, I have to say is the time to say good-bye. In a word: thank you very much.

(And lastly, because foreigners like to laugh:

Q: What is Mary’s family name?

A: Mary Christmas!)

// China Daily Show wishes all our readers a very merry Christmas.