Pakistanis have been in a celebratory mood ever since ISRO lost contact with Vikram Lander of Chandrayaan 2 mission with only 2.1 km left for the descent. The Minister for Science & Technology of Pakistan, Fawad Hussain Chaudhry, has been especially busy on social media getting himself trolled by sending out obnoxious and idiotic tweets.

Thus, we decided to look into Pakistan’s own scientific accomplishments which have seen some cutting-edge innovation in recent years. Here is a list of Pakistani accomplishments which can be classified as ‘giant leaps for mankind’.

Self-professed inventor, Agha Waqar Ahmad, claimed to have invented a car that ran on water in 2012. Ahmad claimed to have discovered an ‘easy way’ to split the two atoms of hydrogen and one of oxygen which required ‘almost no energy’.

“By the grace of Allah, I have managed to make a formula that converts less voltage into more energy,” he said in an interview. “This invention will solve our country’s energy crisis and provide jobs to hundreds of thousands of people.”

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Scientists, of course, debunked the fraud but that didn’t stop the Pakistani Qaum from falling for it. The stand-in minister for religious affairs, Khursheed Shah, appeared on television with him and took a ride in his small Suzuki rental. Popular and well respected talk-show hosts demanded that he receive state funding and protection. Abdul Qadeer Khan, the father of Pakistan’s nuclear programme, told Hamid Mir, a popular television journalist, “I have investigated the matter, and there is no fraud involved.”

Despite critics from the scientific field rubbishing his claims, Ahmad remained resolute in his claims. “I am not concerned with theory. I have given a practical demonstration that a vehicle can run on water,” he said. “What more proof do these critics need?” And he continued to be feted by the country’s establishment until they found another clown to obsess over.

A Pakistani Politician in 2018 claimed that he has discovered a novel method to extract petrol from water and solar energy. Dr Moazzam Niazi, chairman Pakistan Aman League stated that he and his fellows “had not only devised a new method for generating petrol but also extracted sugar from solar radiations.”

Niazi asserted that a 950 million investment in Pakistani rupees will be required to extract petrol from water and sunlight. “I wish before the next general elections, I could provide free petrol to Faisalabad’ the ‘scientist’ had opined.

Pakistani Minister for Science & Technology, Fawad Chaudhry, claimed that it was Suparco, Pakistan’s space programme, that sent the Hubble Space Telescope into space and not NASA. “…one of the ways to see is the Hubble Telescope, which is the world’s biggest telescope and was sent [into space] by Suparco, which is installed in a satellite,” he said.

Incidentally, Fawad Chaudhry, who looks like the stereotypical fat kid at birthday parties who wants to eat everyone else’s piece of cake after finishing his own, had said as the Minister of Information that he would ask Suparco to send some Pakistani politicians to Outerspace, politicians who had been creating a nuisance in the country. He would ask Suparco to make sure they can never return, he said.

Big Boy Fawad said, in a now deleted tweet, that his country makes the best suicide bombers. He cemented his assertion by going on to ask ‘any doubt?’ We can’t say we have any.

Until now, we were under the impression that the Pakistani suicide bombers were actually Suparco’s man-rocket ventures which had an unfortunate way of exploding in public spaces, especially in crowded areas. It did catch us by surprise when we learnt that these were in fact suicide bombers, radical Islamic terrorists created by Pakistan, and not Suparco’s man-rocket ventures.

In an undated video that had gone viral on social media, a man in Pathani kurta and pyjama, an outfit which is quite common in Pakistan, was lying down as another man, perhaps a quack, demonstrated how a pigeon could ‘suck’ out hepatitis the man is suffering from by pressing the pigeon’s anus on the navel of the man.

While the text of quoted is sarcastic, referring to the quack as a doctor and mocking the practice, the fact that Pakistanis, and some Islamic and Middle Eastern countries, indeed believe in such cures instead of medicine is not something that should be completely ruled out.

Pakistanis have successfully invented a ritual to identify the religious beliefs of Jinns. Jinns can be Hindus, Sikhs, Christians and even Muslims, we learnt from this novel initiative. Then, there is ‘jinna’ and ‘jinni’, presumably male and female jinns. The Pakistanis have also invented a ritual to convert Kaafir Jinns to pious Muslim Jinns.

Psychological maladies such as depression, anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) are classified as symptoms common to “Magic, Evil Eye and Jinn Possession”. Traumatic phenomena such as infertility and miscarriages were also categorized as such symptoms.

In unrelated news, 36% of Pakistani adolescents are reported to be suffering from anxiety and depression. 14.3% of young students are reported to be suffering from Bipolar disorders as compared to the global average of 2.4%. Prevalence of Schizophrenia and substance abuse disorders is high as well. As per one report in a leading Pakistani daily, around 50 million Pakistanis are suffering from common mental disorders. Pakistan, it seems, has substituted mental health professionals with Jinn experts.