“According to one source, Trump has been telling people that ‘he wanted a high-profile legal team that can perform on television,’ and ‘Trump loves having people who are on television working for him.’ [As Trump:] Quick, get me Matlock, Perry Mason, Law and Order — get me that ‘dung dung!’ thing — and, uh, Dharma and Greg.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“One of his lawyers is Alan Dershowitz, who represented such luminaries as Claus von Bülow, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and O.J. Simpson. So he definitely has a type.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“[As Trump:] Get me Dershowitz — I’m exactly as innocent as Jeffrey Epstein and O.J. Simpson. But Jared, just in case, gas up the Bronco.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Rudy Giuliani will not be on the Trump legal team, but he claims he wants to testify. He said he would love to appear as a witness at the Senate trial — not as much as I would love it, but he would love it. I think we’d all like to see it. I think we’d especially like the part where he puts his hand on the Bible and it bursts into flames.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And McConnell also released a schedule that could put some arguments on T.V. at midnight or 1 in the morning. These guys really are something. They don’t want witnesses, they don’t want new evidence, they don’t want reporting, and they don’t want people watching. It’s almost like they have something to hide — but what could that be? The phone call was perfect! It was a perfect call. Maybe they’re just shy?” — JIMMY KIMMEL