Name: Easter

Age: 2,000 years old, give or take.

Appearance: it’s a moveable feast, so it varies – this year, it turns up on 16 April.

Current status: the new Christmas.

What happened to the old Christmas? It’s still there. Easter is now a second Christmas.

But Christmas is when baby Jesus gets born. Yes, technically.

Whereas Easter is when dead Jesus comes back to life. Exactly – Christmas II. Christmas: the Sequel.

What evidence can you cite for this controversial and unsettling assertion? Carolyn Bailey of Good Housekeeping saying: “Now Easter is becoming like a second Christmas.”

And what evidence does she cite? The fact that people are buying crackers.

Christmas crackers at Easter? No, they’re Easter crackers. They’ve got chicks on them.

This will never catch on. House of Crackers has been selling them for seven years. Waitrose says demand for Easter crackers is up 63% on last year.

That doesn’t make it right! It’s not just crackers, either. People are giving more expensive presents at Easter, buying more elaborate decorations, and having grander gatherings.

You’re just supposed to hunt for eggs in the rain for half an hour, and then eat too much chocolate. If anything, Easter is a more polite Halloween. Don’t worry, chocolate egg sales are still buoyant, up 12% between 2015 and 2016.

I think we’re in serious danger of forgetting the true spirit of Easter, whatever it was. It was always the more significant holiday in the Christian calendar. Why not make Easter an equally important time to celebrate with family, and overspend wildly?

I’m just not sure I can handle another Christmas right now, and I know I can’t afford it. Who knows, you might feel like splashing out after all the privations of Lent.

Are you kidding? I’ve been eating 12 Creme Eggs a day since the start of March. I’m Eastered out. You’ll feel better once you’ve hung up your Easter stocking.

Oh God. Does this mean my kids will be expecting more expensive eggs? I hear Fabergé do nice ones.

Do say: “So here it is, Happy Easter, everybody’s having fun.”

Don’t say: “Have you heard? Maundy Thursday is the new Valentine’s Day.”