Phil Schiller stands center stage at Moscone West, looking as though he can barely contain his boyish excitement.

“So, we’re here today to talk about the Mac Pro. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

The audience unanimously laughs. It has been a long time.

“Since its conception, the point of Mac Pro has been to provide unparalleled power to professional computing users who require the greatest processing brute force in order to stave off the resource hungry requirements of applications such as Logic Pro, Final Cut Pro, Photoshop, AfterEffects, and ProTools. macOS and the Mac Pro are at the heart and soul of every creative professionals workflow, and to show how much professionals love them, we’ve put together a video.”

The lights dim, and a video screens of numerous professional creatives heaping hyperbolic praise on how they “couldn’t work without [their] Mac.” Of course, critical tech journalists use this downtime to post snarky comments on their live blogs as to how Apple hasn’t shown any T.L.C. to its Final Cut Pro suite in some time. The video ends, and Schiller returns to stage.

“Like all things here at Apple, we strive to not only understand, but to also improve the ways in which we can make the lives of professionals easier, so that they can continue to enrich our lives with amazing content. From musicians to video editors to photographers to graphic designers — you name it — these advanced users want to get their hands on the most powerful Mac we make.”

Apple’s live stream cuts to a brief cutaway of a curious, yet hopeful looking Steve Wozniak in the audience. Schiller continues,

“So we have something very special to announce for you today, and we’re so excited and proud to introduce: the new Mac Pro”

“This better be good, Phil.”

The crowd erupts in near deafening applause, as the fear that Apple would never update the Mac Pro again vanishes. Either that, or it’s just applause largely fuelled by the vast majority of Apple employees in the audience. Who can say?

“Well, we decided to take a look at the history of the Mac Pro and consider the role it serves for both us here at Apple, and more importantly, you guys. So what comes to mind when you think of the Mac Pro? Power. And boy, is this thing powerful.”

*Insert here the part where Schillers speaks for three minutes about the new Mac Pro’s computational prowess, reeling off spec-sheets details about whatever absurd processor, RAM, GPU and more configurations the machine will house — within reason, of course.*

The professionals in the audience are visibly impressed by the specs, while live bloggers and analysts whisper hushed criticisms as to how “This looks promising, but we’ll have to wait and see.”

“…and we are confident in saying that this is the most powerful Mac that we at Apple have ever made.”

“Now, our engineering team has spent a lot of time thinking about the technology that’s available today, and what could be possible for the future of a new desktop. What would be a new form factor — a new design — that allows for new capabilities, and embodies new ideas? It goes without saying that the Mac Pro’s of old are famous for their gorgeous design and engineering feats, but we did some asking around, and we found that — much to the dismay of our engineers — these things were being hidden away under peoples desks. We thought this seemed a bit wasteful?”

The 2013 “Trash Can” Mac Pro

The audience fawns over Schiller’s charm, and the irony that the trash-can-like design of the 2013 Mac Pro is on screen is not lost on anyone in the room. Or maybe it was an intentional pun. It’s hard to say.

“So, we wondered how we could make the form factor of the Mac Pro more useful in your workspace, and we think we’ve found a solution: we’re giving the Mac Pro a screen.”

An air of skepticism begins to float throughout the hall.

“Now, we approached this idea with much trepidation, and realised that if we were going to make such a bold move, we would have to use the best display that’s ever been available to consumers. Not only that, a screen that could satisfy the the needs of both photo and video editors who use these machines every day. We wondered where we would find such a perfect display; something that would be sheer eye-candy. So, we began to compile a list of specs that such a screen would require, starting with a 27-inch Retina 5K display with IPS technology; that’s a 5120-by-2880 resolution, with a stunning 14.7 million pixels. We wanted the blackest blacks, brilliant colours, sharp contrast, and with DCI-P3, the highest color gamut Apple has ever shipped. But we had to stop and think, where on earth are we going to find such a display? Then it struck us: we’ve been using the exact same display in the iMac for a while now.”

“But we at Apple aren’t the type to limit ourselves when it comes to innovation, so our team began to consider a new way in which professionals could interact with macOS and the programs they need to do their jobs.”

The tech journalists remember swirlings of rumours about Apple showing interest in both the VR and AR market, and they can feel their chests tightening in anticipation of such a possible announcement.

“Well, we took a look around for some solutions, and we found once again, that we’d already solved this problem a while ago: It’s the Touch Bar. The Touch Bar has been a huge revolutionary success, and I can’t count the amount of professional users who have begged us to bring it to the desktop. So we did exactly that.”

An image of the new Magic Keyboard appears on screen, with the only discernable difference from its predecessor being the replacement of the function key row with the Touch Bar and Touch ID.

Professionals want emojis. (via Redmond Pie)

“We’ve found that the newly redesigned MacBook Pro keyboard has provided our users with four times the key stability of the old Magic Keyboard, with our second generation butterfly mechanism proving to be an absolute delight for the fingers. And of course, it has Touch ID. As you know from experience with the MacBook Pro, Touch Bar allows for exciting and efficient ways of navigating macOS. And since the new MacBook Pro’s launch, our third party developers continue to come up with some truly remarkable ways of making your life easier through interacting with Touch Bar.”

The live bloggers curiously wonder whether this will be also be announced as a stand-alone product, and internally resolve it will probably be confirmed on the Apple online store after the keynote.

“Of course, for years, the Magic Touch Pad has afforded users the greatest flexibility for navigating macOS, and with Force Touch built in, there seems to be no better solution. But, we thought we could do better. Today we’re announcing, the new Magic Touchpad with improved depth sensing Force Touch and we’re doubling the real estate of the track pad. And this comes straight in the box too.”

By now, Schiller has been talking about the new Mac Pro for six minutes without even showing the product itself. Patience is being tested.

“So, what does this all this look like? How can we house such power in a beautiful way, providing you with the no-nonsense efficiency that the new Magic Keyboard with Touch Bar and Touch ID offers, with the precision of the new Magic Touchpad? Well, we took a look around again…”

Apparently, there’s a rule of thirds in comedy: the first time it’s funny because it seems accidental, the second time it seems forced and contrived, and the third time it becomes clear that it’s entirely intentional to prove a point.

“…and we found that we already provide the most eloquent desktop computing solution: It’s called the iMac. So, today, we excited to introduce the iMac Pro.”

“…it’s not black, it’s Space Grey.”

The lights dim, and a video of a familiar, yet subtly refined iMac Pro swirls around the screen, as Jonny Ive’s British sullen tones provide narration that soothes the soul, allowing the audience to transcend into prosumer desktop nirvana. It looks identical to the current iMac, but it’s “Pro” moniker is justified by its new Space Grey colourway. The video ends and Schiller once again appears.

“It’s gorgeous isn’t it? And we couldn’t be more proud of this incredible feat of engineering. It’s simply stunning. You’ve never experienced macOS in such a way before. It is truly remarkable. Our engineering team defied the odds, and what is more remarkable, is that they made all this raw computing power and the 5K Retina display fit within our beautiful new aluminium iMac design which is only 4.7 millimeters thin. There’s never been a computer like this.”

“But what’s on the back?”

A slide appears behind him showing seemingly innocuous ports.

“It’s all organised beautifully and it’s easy to get to. There’s audio out, gigabit ethernet, HDMI out, AC power — of course — and we wanted a machine that’s built for the future, so we’ve dedicated 6 ports for Thunderbolt 3 with the versatility of the USB-C industry standard. It integrates data transfer, charging, and video output in a single connector, delivering up to 40 Gbps of throughput for twice the bandwidth of Thunderbolt 2. This can support up to two external 5K displays in case the existing 5K Retina isn’t enough for you already.”

Mixed emotions are palpable in Moscone, with many already mourning the loss of the Mac Pro’s heritage, while others are already reaching for their wallets.

“And we know you can’t wait to get your hands on them, so the new iMac Pro starts shipping today with our 27” model starting at $4,599, with a 32" model being available starting at $5,599"

“So, that’s the the new iMac Pro, with the new Magic Keyboard and Magic Touchpad 2. It joins the existing iMac line up, offering — what we think — will be a generous alternative for our professional users. So that’s our update for the iMac Pro, I’mma turn it back to Tim.”

Tim takes the stage to applause,

“What do you think? It’s some pretty cool stuff.”