Southern Rail to punch all passengers in the face

Beleaguered rail operating company Southern Rail have announced that they’re just going to punch each and every passenger in the face and have done with it.

“Obviously, it is our primary aim to make the lives of our passengers as difficult and unpleasant as possible,” said Southern Rail chief goblin Charles Horton.

“We need to find a way to streamline our system so that rather than just randomly cancelling services and blaming staff, opening up sinkholes in South London, or turning on the heating on the hottest day of the year, we can find a simple, easy and predictable way to be dreadful to our customers.

“So punching them squarely in the face seems like the best course of action all round.”

It is understood that specialised punching staff will be employed at the entrance to all mainline stations in order to punch the optimum number of passengers.

Passengers were resigned to whatever further humiliation and misery Southern Rail sees fit to heap on them.

“A daily punch in the face you say?” Said Simon Williams, a Southern Rail commuter who has been waiting at London Victoria for his train for so long he can’t remember what his family looks like.

“Definitely better than what we’re getting at the moment.”