If you’re not interested in reading about sex, scroll along.

When I was researching phalloplasty, I remember coming across wisdom I knew inherently was true but nonetheless denied.

Example: the brain is the largest sex organ. Yes, erotic sensation is awesome, but the maximum amount of that sensation does you little good if your brain is buried in depression and dysphoria. You could be having the most expertly done blowjob and be no closer to getting off than if you slipped on a wet sock. Genital reconstruction surgeries might result in diminished sensation (there are no guarantees once a scalpel is taken to skin), but if it resolves dysphoria, you might go on to cum like never before.

I’ve received a lot of questions around sex without disclosing one’s transness.

sidebar\ It’s illegal for trans people to not disclose in some places. If that’s so where you are, only you can decide what you are willing to do in that context./

Some trans guys insist surely the scars, aesthetic, what have you, necessarily give away the surgical origins of my dick, ergo of my medical history. Sometimes I entertain this line of conversation, though it’s crap to engage with “your dick’s phalloplasty origins are less than, now from a place of taking that for granted, tell me this about the most intimate part of you…” Either way, if I respond, I include the wisdom not taken:

A horny person attracted to you, excited with your mutual interest in them doesn’t have a checklist on their mind with which they scrutinise your junk. They want dick, you have a dick, for most people, that is the start and end of their thoughts on the matter in the moment.

Many of us are prone to overthinking these things, but we should stop short of projecting our hyperawareness of our transness. Viagra, cock rings, and the rest of it is predicated on how common place erectile dysfunction is. If someone clues in that I have a penile implant, it does not follow they will assume I have one because I’m trans. You and I know the scar on the underside is where my flap was closed together. Someone else will assume it’s my corpus spongiosum/urethra. If they observe closely enough and discern it’s a scar, I could say I had hypospadias. That’s common and innocuous enough, it’s unlikely it’ll be followed up by further questions. I found that out in conversation with friends who dated guys who had that. They could not have cared less when the guy brought it up/they noticed. No one brought it up to me during the years I was between phalloplasty and urethraplasty. And so it goes, down the list of things that might be “in your face obvious” things for you; it’s doubtful a horny person would notice, care if they do or conclude it’s because you’re trans.

You may not believe me until you live it. It might happen to you as it unexpectedly did for me the first few times. I expected to have to disclose, but in the heat of the moment, the other person slipped their hand down my pants, drop them and started giving me a blow job sooner than I expected and as quickly I realised, they felt just fine about my dick, not asking questions about its origins, and mercifully, I remained in the sexy head-space well enough to stay in the moment with them rather than pause things to answer questions not asked.

Sometimes when I started getting around to disclosing, the other person would cut me off, in the most loving/horny-centred way, letting me know they didn’t care or share what they assumed (not once was it that I’m trans), and I took the cue: “buddy, sex is (about to) happen(ing)” and got back on that page, right quick.

May that be your experience as well, if you remain sceptical by the end of this sentence.