One-upmanship: Don’t Be the Person Who Tries to “One Up” Everyone

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It’s important for a business to “one up” their competition to succeed, but the same isn’t necessarily true for our relationships.

One-upmanship is when someone does or says something in order to show off or prove that they are better than someone else.

For example, when someone tells a story to a friend about how they finally got into the college they really wanted to go to, but then the friend responds with, “Oh yeah? Well I just got accepted into an Ivy League school!”

When someone tries to “one up” someone, they often belittle the other person’s experience while trying to boost their own ego and self-importance at the same time.

This is a common habit for some people who always want to have the spotlight, but it can actually be a very destructive behavior that ultimately makes you come off snobby, annoying, and just plain arrogant.

The simple truth is our relationships shouldn’t be viewed as a competition, and when we start treating them as such and trying to “one up” everything people say, it can often make things toxic and unpleasant to be around.

We can “one up” people when it comes to positive experiences, but we can also “one up” people when it comes to negative experiences as well.

For example, when someone shares a story to a friend about a bad day they had because their boss reprimanded them, but then the friend responds with, “Oh yeah? Well, I had a bad day where my boss almost fired me in front of everyone!”

Whether it’s happiness or suffering, people often try to “one up” to make their lives seems more interesting or important than the other person.

Of course, it’s perfectly reasonable to want to share your story. And if someone brings up something that is related to your story, then it makes sense that you’d want to share your experience as well.

Sharing is good, but the unhealthy trap is when you always feel the need to “one up” someone else’s story. Recognize that you don’t always need to make the conversation about you.

Sometimes, it’s important to let people have the spotlight and keep your responses relevant to their experiences:

If something good happens to someone, be happy for other people’s success and congratulate them on their accomplishments.

If something bad happens to someone, learn to empathize with their suffering and let them know you are there for them if they need anything.

There’s a time and a place to share your stories, and there’s a time and a place to just be quiet and listen.

Do you know anyone in your life who always tries to “one up” people? Do you sometimes find yourself doing it?

We have a natural desire to want to look good in front of others and feel important, so we may sometimes try to “one up” people without even realizing it.

A general principle to keep in mind is that most healthy conversations start with focusing more on the other person. Be curious. Ask questions. Listen. That’s the stuff that lets people know we care and builds genuine connections.

It’s a simple and commonsense reminder, but it’s something to be mindful of in your daily conversations.



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