My sense of identity is so screwed up right now.

Like it feels like any concept of self is just fracturing and breaking apart all over and I’ve lost track of who I am entirely in the process.

It’s like I’ve been living a double life where some folks call me my chosen name and others use my birth name, and sometimes people in the know need to use my birth name in certain situations where I’m not fully out yet and so forth.

It’s causing the weirdest split in my mind and I’m losing track of what my reality is. Who the fuck even am I?

I can’t figure out for the life of me who I really am when mired in these ideas of who I’m supposed to be and what it means to bear any label or be perceived as one thing or another out in the world and the implications of “switching” labels and all of that crap.

It’s crap it’s all crap. I need to go to bed but it’s time for a late-night existential crisis and for someone a bit shy of 24 years old I’ve had too goddamn many of these already.

Mom mentioned recently - in light of an enormous panic attack which resulted in my having to call them late at night to help me with cleaning - that I need to call my doctor to see if she can arrange a therapist but right now my anxiety is so bad I can’t do it even though I do need a therapist and I do need to talk to a doctor about stuff anyway. Like I’m so fucked up over what the fuck my identity is supposed to be that I don’t even know where to begin. How do I introduce myself?

I’m between not giving a fuck about who calls me what, to absolute crippling pain when I’m gendered female, to everything including a label of nothing or agender or anything neutral feeling completely wrong. “Person” feels wrong. “Human” feels wrong. Even if it’s somewhat obvious I’m having human experiences and emotions, I don’t feel like it makes sense.

Nothing makes sense, I don’t make sense. I’m not nothing but I’m not anything else, either.

Basically, this is fucking fantastic.