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Donald Trump is an American hero

Donald Trump is not a saint or your daddy. So don’t bet on what he will tell you how to behave properly in your own bedroom. It’s not the president’s business.

Most people I know would be hard-pressed to even think up one good thing about Donald Trump, but I’ve got more generosity of spirit than that. In fact, when you factor in some of the inadvertent good he’s done, it turns out DONALD TRUMP IS THE NEW MOTHER TERESA.

When the American voters went for Donald Trump, they picked someone who could unrelentingly expand America’s prosperity!

Don’t argue, just listen up because I know WTF I’m talking about. Here are the eight best things about the guy, so let’s gather ’round and be grateful.

1. HE’S THROWING A WRENCH INTO THE REPUBLICAN AGENDA

With his incendiary antics and whack comments, Donald Trump is like a match that’s been thrown into a garbage pail full of kerosene. He is freaking out the party because his nasty views are getting attention rather than their own nasty views, so they’re lining up to try to discredit him, though no one’s listening — people only want to hear what Trump has to say, propelling the joke candidate into a serious position of prominence. I’m starting to wonder if Trump was set up by the party to make everyone else look good. (After the debate, you heard a lot of talk like, “Hey, Jeb Bush sort of came off not bad — and even Marco Rubio did OK.”) Maybe Megyn Kelly is even in on the whole thing. After all, everyone benefits — she gets massive sympathy, Trump nabs publicity and the Republican nightmares start to come off almost credible by comparison.

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Read more: 8 Joke Candidates Who Were Actually Better Than Donald Trump

2. HE’S HELPED US DEVELOP MORE COMPASSION FOR LATINOS AND WOMEN

Donald Trump’s remarks about immigrants and the female sex cast a spotlight on those two groups, which resulted in massive waves of greater understanding to combat his paranoid ravings. His shtick also helped mobilize the Latin vote, and even though Trump is leading Republican nomination polls, I sincerely doubt Hispanic people will line up to crown him king. They’d just want to crown him, period. After years of Hispanic outreach on behalf of the party, Trump’s comments flushed away whatever minimal good will had been developed with one dirty swoop.

3. HE DOESN’T BACK DOWN FROM HIS VIEWS

No matter how questionable some of his statements are, Donald Trump doesn’t weasel away from them and offer a mealy mouthed apology. We live in a “Gotcha!” culture where famous people are constantly being busted for things they’ve said, to which they read some apology off a prompter, then quit because they were forced to do so. But Trump has no prompter, and it’s perversely refreshing that he’s not redefining every word he says. It’s there in black and white for you to reject point blank.

4. HE’S HELPED US DEFINE PC

In cavalierly stating that he has no time for political correctness, Donald Trump made a serious misstep. With that statement, he seemed to think the rules for outrageous standup comedy and blogging are the same as for someone wanting to run our nation! Newsflash: A comedian can make jokes about women being pigs who bleed, partly because they’re comedians, and also because that sort of joke is usually intended as an ironic comment. But the President of the United States shouldn’t have the same body of ethics as Louis CK. No, really.

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5. HE ATTACKED CARLY FIORINA, AND SHE IS INDEED VERY UGLY

After the Republican presidential debate, there was lots of talk about how great Fiorina was, as she emerged from the second-tier pack and suddenly became a major contender. Well, Trump wasn’t having it. He pissily tweeted that Fiorina has zero chance because “if you listen to [her] for more than 10 minutes straight, you develop a massive headache.” I got one after just 10 seconds. All that “We’ve got to rip the country out of the clutches of Democratic values” stuff is scary to me, so in this one case, I was cheering Trump’s irascibility, though I doubt that we dislike Carly for the same reasons.

6. HIS RISE HAS INCITED SOME VERY FUNNY TWEETS – WHY IS TRUMP SO DAMN HONEST?

Not from him, but from other people. I loved the lady who tweeted, “We women bleed and talk. Sorry we’re so annoying.” And when Trump Twitter-bragged that he was ahead of the game in warning about China, “Modern Family” writer Danny Zuker responded, “You’ve always been tough on China, sir. Particularly the children who make your shitty clothes.” Trump idiotically replied, “Danny — you’re a total loser!” Shot back Zuker, “Your insults need work. Here’s one I’ve been working on: ‘Every picture you post of yourself is a dick pic’. See?”

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And later, he added, “Since you’re unable to manufacture decent comebacks, maybe you could outsource the job to China.” Well, Trump (yes, this battle went on) then slagged off on “Modern Family,” to which Zuker quipped, “We’ve never tested well with the racist, hypocritical, multiple bankruptcy demo.” Too delicious. Thanks to Trump’s tendency to put his foot in it, Twitter is actually fun again.

7. HIS RISE WILL SPARK RENEWED INTEREST IN “A FACE IN THE CROWD”

The 1957 Elia Kazan-directed film drama has Andy Griffith as a hick whose charm and viewpoints project him into international fame, which corrupts and taints him, turning him into an ugly bully. I have every confidence that Trump’s ascendance will make people take another look at this classic — and “All The King’s Men” — out of morbid curiosity. Maybe.

8. THE WIFE MELANIA TRUMP WOULD BE GLAMOROUS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

I like Melania Trump, but I have no idea what she actually does other than contour her cheekbones and shop for shoes. Is “former model” really an occupation? And as such, she’d be a pretty lovely First Lady, all glammed up with everywhere to go. And you just know Trump would appoint Caitlyn to the Cabinet.

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