Thousands of people work on National Football League coaching staffs and in front offices. Millions of Americans pretend to do these roles in fantasy leagues, or simply fantasize about running an NFL team. Everyone wonders: What is the secret to NFL success?

In the preseason, your columnist promised to reveal the Whiteboard Analytic of the NFL: “a super-secret insiders-only key to NFL success which will be disclosed in shocking detail in an upcoming Tuesday Morning Quarterback.”

Now it can be told. To learn the secret of the Whiteboard Analytic of the NFL, initiates are led into a darkened room, after first taking a solemn vow (and drinking some Goose Island Green Line Pale Ale). The blindfold is removed. A spotlight is turned on, the illuminate a whiteboard on which are written these words:

FRANCHISE QUARTERBACK Everything else

It didn’t used to be this way. But NFL rules changes to encourage the passing game, while protecting the passer, have made a franchise quarterback more important than everything else combined. Use of hands by offensive linemen was liberalized in 1978 to protect the quarterback, while the head-slap move by pass rushers was banned. The rule against downfield contact by defensive backs was strengthened in 1996, with enforcement of this rule made a “point of emphasis” in 2004. Body-slamming the quarterback became a personal foul. In 2006, it became a foul to dive at the quarterback’s legs, an old ploy to knock the other side’s signal-caller out of the game.

As of 2009, a defender was no longer allowed to launch himself into a receiver after the pass had gone by; this change was essential for neurological safety, but also rendered practical the shallow crossing routes that make up about half of contemporary drip-drip-drip passing offenses. In 2012, contact with the quarterback’s helmet and neck was prohibited. That year came the most important rule change for safety since the banning of grabbing the face mask: deliberate helmet-to-helmet hits were prohibited. Though this new protection extended to all players, in effect it was another favor to the offense, since the most common category of deliberate helmet-to-helmet impact was safeties hammering receivers. And as of 2017, pass rushers can hit the quarterback neither low nor high, only square in the chest.

These changes have improved passing stats and reduced concussions. Purists grumble, but sports rules are whatever a league says they are. For a generation, the NFL has been saying what it wants is passes to be completed and quarterbacks—the position with the most economic value—not to be injured. That has made the franchise-quality quarterback more important to the modern NFL than everything else combined.

Last season’s final four playoff teams were New England, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and Green Bay. That is, all of the 2016 NFL season’s top four teams fielded franchise quarterbacks: Tom Brady, Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, and Aaron Rodgers, respectively.

In the last 10 seasons, the 20 Super Bowl starting quarterbacks have been:

Tom Brady, four times.

Peyton Manning, three times.

Eli Manning, Russell Wilson, Ben Roethlisberger twice each.

Matt Ryan, Cam Newton, Joe Flacco, Colin Kaepernick, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Kurt Warner, once each.

All these gents are franchise quarterbacks in every sense except Kaepernick, whose play was declining before the National Anthem controversy arose. Warner may have started with the Iowa Barnstormers, but he became a two-time NFL MVP and wore the garish yellow jacket at Canton. Flacco is declining—he badly missed an uncovered receiver at the goal line versus Pittsburgh on Sunday—but he owns a Super Bowl MVP trophy and a 10-5 postseason record that many Hall of Fame signal callers can only envy.

That’s 19 of the 20 most recent Super Bowl starting quarterbacks being franchise quality players—and something tells me we have not heard the last of Kaepernick yet.

Compare the Nifty Nineteen with the countless other quarterbacks in the league in the same periods, or with the linemen and special teams players that only their immediate family members recognize.

Of course any coach would want the best possible athletes at every position. But in the Whiteboard Analytic of the NFL, a franchise quarterback matters more than everything else combined.

The Whiteboard Analytic, revealed. (Note: The Browns have missed it by that much.) (Photo via CBS Television Studios / Warner Bros. Television / YouTube)

There is no surefire way to know who will become a franchise-quality quarterback; that Brady fellow, drafted in the sixth round, is the obvious example. But in general, franchise quarterbacks are found at the top of the draft. Of the quarterbacks to start the last 10 Super Bowls, four were chosen with the first overall draft selection, three others were first round picks, and only Warner was not drafted at all.

Yet several NFL clubs don’t even seem to be looking for a franchise quarterback, let alone investing high picks in one. Maybe it’s time some general managers were admitted to that secret room where the whiteboard is.

In other football news, last week TMQ noted that after just three weeks of play, a regular season undefeated-versus-undefeated pairing was no longer possible. With Atlanta’s loss, a pairing of undefeated NFL teams cannot happen in the Super Bowl, either. If you were hoping to watch two undefeated NFL teams square off, set your alarm clock for September 2018.

Stats of the Week #1. Jacksonville won by 22 points, then lost by 21 points, then won by 37 points, then lost to the Jets.

Stats of the Week #2. In consecutive wins over favorites Denver and Atlanta, the Bills are plus-five in turnovers. During those victories Buffalo placekicker Steven Hauschka hit field goals of 53, 55, 55, and 56 yards.

Stats of the Week #3. Hauschka attended Division III elite-academics Middlebury College, where he was cut from the soccer team.

Stats of the Week #4. Since the start of the 2016 season, the 49ers are 2-1 versus the Rams and 0-17 versus all other teams.

Stats of the Week #5. The state of Ohio is 1-7 on the season.

Stats of the Week #6. Since opening 2-0, the Ravens have been outscored 70-16.

Stats of the Week #7. The Dolphins have one scoring play in their last eight quarters.

Stats of the Week #8. The Bears have not won on the road since 2015.

Stats of the Week #9. Tennessee’s Matt Cassel attempted 10 passes, for two completions, two interceptions, and a rating of 8.3. If every throw an NFL quarterback attempts clangs to the ground incomplete, his rating is 39.

Stats of the Week #10. The Dallas Cowboys have followed a 13-2 stretch with a 2-3 stretch, while the Oakland Raiders have followed an 11-3 stretch with a 2-3 stretch.

Sweet College Plays of the Week. It was Texans University versus Titans College as Houston and Tennessee threw up 71 combined points using college actions: triple-option pitch plays, zone read quarterback runs, and RPO fakes straight out of the Clemson playbook. Quarterbacks Marcus Mariota and Deshaun Watson combined for three first half rushing touchdowns, a very college-like outcome, with Mariota hoofing one 34 yards.

Six seasons ago the pure-college-style zone read took the NFL by storm, first with Colin Kaepernick and then Robert Griffin III executing a look NFL defensive coordinators had never seen. Then the zone read cooled off, mostly because the 49ers and Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons were running the zone read all the time, allowing defenses to spread their outside linebackers wide and contain. Sunday, the Texans and the Flaming Thumbtacks varied between college-style actions and conventional pocket passing. Now defensive coordinators know to watch for that combo. But Sunday, it sure was fun.

Watson looked poised both on sprint-outs and throwing deep from the pocket. TMQ put chips on Watson with my preseason prediction that this rookie would lead the Texans to the Super Bowl. So far everything is unfolding according to my master plan.

Sour Defense of the Week. Last season the Patriots had the league’s best defense versus points, then held Atlanta, the number-one offense, to 21 offensive points in the Super Bowl. So far this season the Patriots have allowed 42, 20, 33, and 33 points. Sunday, Flying Elvii hosting Carolina, Cats wide receiver Devin Funchess went in motion then cut up the field uncovered by any Patriot. Easy touchdown.

Game tied with 2:23 remaining, New England sacked Cam Newton on 3rd-and-long, seeming to set up the defending champions for a field goal to win. But Stephon Gilmore, the highest paid defender on the Patriots, was called for a careless illegal use of hands. Rather than punt, the Panthers had first down, and they were the ones to launch the winning figgie. I know there’s something going on, as the 1982 song said.

Sweet ‘n’ Sour Play of the Week. Kansas City facing 3rd-and-goal on the Washington 1, Alex Smith motioned Kareem Hunt, the league’s hottest player, to change positions. At the snap, Smith faked to Hunt; having him change positions pre-snap made R*dsk*ns defenders assume Hunt would get the ball. Smith kept it and ran for the score, capping an NFL weekend of college-style quarterback touchdown rushes. Smith and Washington quarterback Kirk Cousins combined for 94 yards rushing. That was sweet. Sour for Washington was that Smith scored untouched: from the team’s 1, the opposition quarterback was able to reach the end zone without a Washington defender making contact with him.

Reader Jeff Alcoforado of San Marcos, California, notes that since a 0-5 stretch early in the 2015 season, the Chiefs are 27-6. The Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons, for their part, are on a 2-12 Monday Night Football stretch.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk. In the second half in London, New Orleans went for it on 4th-and-1. On the very next series, Miami punted on 4th-and-1. This is all the information you need to know who won the game.

Wacky Food of the Week. Yours truly recently encountered “cave-aged cheddar” on a menu. Mold from a cave—yum! I’ve seen a listing of “Christian-raised chicken.” Is that chicken raised by Christians, or as Christians? Neither can top the bacon milkshakes on the menu at fast-casual joint Five Guys.

Money Time Report. Taking possession with a 26-24 lead and 6:44 remaining, the Philadelphia Nesharim converted three consecutive 3rd-and-short downs, all with traditional runs up the middle, to drill the clock and defeat LA/B.

Trailing 23-17, NFC defending champion Atlanta reached 4th-and-1 on the Buffalo 10 with 49 seconds remaining. To that juncture, Atlanta coaches had radioed in 14 consecutive passing plays. A rush for a first down, followed by a spike, would have given Atlanta three tries from point-blank range to win the game. Didn’t I hear something or other from that Super Bowl thing about Atlanta throwing too much? The Epic Fails called a 15th consecutive pass: incompletion, and Buffalo wins.

Bills note: In the third quarter, Buffalo faced 3rd-and-3. Back in his callow youth, when Virginia Tech faced Stanford in the Orange Bowl, quarterback Tyrod Taylor did a stop-on-a-dime-and-leave-some-change maneuver, reversing field to escape a crowd of defenders. That day Taylor’s team lost. This day, hemmed in by Falcons defenders, he performed the same lightning-fast direction change and ran for a first down, with Buffalo recording a field goal on the drive. The field goal forced Atlanta to play for a touchdown at the end.

Calling John Carter. SpaceX, the Elon Musk venture, flies reliable rockets developed with private capital, not subsidies, and to its credit has the first big rocketry innovation in years: a reusable booster that returns to land standing up, engines firing in reverse. So Musk possesses significant cred on spaceflight questions. But his statements last week about a manned Mars landing as soon as 2024 didn’t ring true.

The plan Musk announced involves development of a mega-rocket about as powerful as the Saturn V of the Apollo program, and 10 times more powerful than anything SpaceX has launched thus far. “Power” in this sense means ability to place weight in orbit. Early in his presidency, the younger George Bush declared a desire to build a moon base as a way-station to Mars. No Mars-bound ship will stop at the moon—this would waste a gigantic amount of fuel, and fuel is the Mars-ship designer’s biggest problem. Mars missions will depart directly from Earth orbit to the Red Planet, making weight to orbit the essence of rocket power in Mars engineering.

Billionaire entrepreneur and founder of SpaceX Elon Musk speaks below a computer generated illustration of his new BFR Rocket at the 68th International Astronautical Congress 2017 in Adelaide on September 29, 2017. (PETER PARKS/AFP/Getty Images)

Suppose Musk can build his mega-rocket. He proposed that four launches would be sufficient to stage a manned voyage to Mars and back. (There’s no reason a Red Planet mission would need to be a single ship—automated vessels might go first, with supplies.) If successful, the SpaceX mega-rocket would place about 150 tons into low-Earth orbit; four missions add up to about 600 tons. That’s the weight of 20 fully loaded Greyhound buses, which might sound like a lot until you imagine people living for more than a year within 20 Greyhound buses which must contain all their water, air, food, and medicine, plus enough fuel to land on Mars and blast off again.

Apollo 17, the heaviest and longest of the moon missions, weighed 52 tons when it departed Earth orbit toward Luna. That was enough for three astronauts for 13 days, plus the fuel to land and take off again from the moon. Using the weight per person per day of the Apollo 17 mission, a three-person one-year roundtrip to Mars would need to be about 1,400 tons in low-Earth orbit, more than double what Musk forecasts. That’s if the mission really can last only one year—most estimates place a roundtrip Mars flight at about a year and a half. Russia’s experiment with locking six people in simulated spacecraft for 520 days was based on projections that 520 days would be the duration of a Mars roundtrip.

Using Apollo as the gauge may, in turn, be too conservative. Mars has much stronger gravity than the moon, which means more fuel to land and blast off again. Would three crewmembers for a Mars mission be enough? At least one would need to be a surgeon; maybe all crewmembers would need to be physicians, in case the surgeon is the one who gets sick. A Mars mission would require a fully equipped surgical theater, some kind of gravity simulation (at the least a tethered structure that spins), and, most important from a weight standpoint, radiation shielding. The zone between Earth and any other planet is much more dangerous in radiation terms than the space between Earth and the moon.

Musk’s engineers are very clever—perhaps they can come up ways to meet the needs of a Mars mission at less weight per person per day than the Apollo flights. But Musk’s promises about Mars have a snow-job ring, especially his claim that tickets could sell for $200,000 each. Development, construction, and operation of a Mars-bound mission will cost at least tens of billions of dollars per seat. It is not inconceivable that Mars is a trillion dollars away. (The graphic after the link is from a 2012 issue of Harvard Business Review.) There has been no breakthrough in propulsion since the 1960s; Musk’s mega-launcher would employ engines and propellants only somewhat different from the Saturn V. Until a propulsion breakthrough, Mars will remain in the realm of science fiction.

So far SpaceX is calling its planned powerful launcher the BFR, which is not short for Big “Friendly” Rocket.

Hell’s Sports Bar. Hell’s sports bar has an infinite number of flat-screen HD TVs, but certain blackout rules may apply. Sunday, patrons didn’t see a snap of New England-Carolina or City of Tampa-Jersey/A. But the Bengals versus Browns contest—combined record 0-6—played on endless loop.

That the Star Spangled Banner Concerns War Between the United States and England Never Comes Up When the Song Is Sung at London NFL Games. Before the London game, three Miami players knelt during the National Anthem but stood for God Save the Queen. Britain was highly active in the slave trade in North America and the Caribbean, yet somehow now is due respect that African-American players deny to the United States. At least this stanza of God Save the Queen was not performed: “Scatter [the Queen’s] enemies and make them fall / Confound their politics, frustrate their knavish tricks.”

So far the NFL has staged 19 contests in London, and not a one has pitted two teams that both had winning records at kickoff. So far this season, London NFL play has combined to Victors 64, Losers 7. British regulators should file a WTO anti-dumping complaint accusing the NFL of exporting an inferior product with seasonal workers.

The Robert Byrd Spirit Lives On. One of the annoying aspects of politics is politicians seizing money from taxpayers, and then using the funds to build monuments to themselves. Public construction projects should be named after persons whose actions benefitted the public, or who symbolized greatness in some way.

The new Tappan Zee bridge north of New York City has been named the Governor Mario M. Cuomo Bridge, for the former New York governor who died in 2015. Cuomo was a fine man—but does anyone really think he was one of the greatest New Yorkers? The name was chosen by current Gov. Andrew Cuomo, in order to promote himself and his brand. New York voters ought to be disgusted.

New York governor Andrew Cuomo stands in front of the old Tappan Zee bridge in this May 2014 photo. Run for state executive and maybe you'll be able to name a new one someday, too! (Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images)

In Maryland, where I live, pretty much the only newly built road in modern memory had the unimaginative name Inter County Connector. So maybe name the road for Marylanders of greatness? There are many: Johns Hopkins, Harriet Tubman, Eubie Blake, Enoch Pratt. Instead the road was just named for former governor Bob Ehrlich, a political insider whose substantive achievements are:

…

…

… We’ll have to get back to you on that.

Maryland’s current governor Larry Hogan, who chose the name, is a Republican. Ehrlich is a Republican. Just as the Cuomo Bridge is named to promote Democrats, the Ehrlich road is named to promote Republicans. Marylanders ought to be just as disgusted as New Yorkers.

Most Fun News I’ve Heard in Weeks. The Wall Street Journal reports that in Australia, wedge-tailed eagles are destroying drones, which they perceive as adversaries.

The Football Gods Chortled. Reaching overtime at Arizona, the winless Santa Clara 49ers staged a 17-play, 73-yard drive—which cost them the game by ending with a field goal rather than a touchdown.

Early in the Buccaneers-Giants contest, City of Tampa placekicker Nick Folk honked a PAT attempt. Trailing 23-22, the Bucs reached 1st-and-10 on the Jersey/A 13 with 41 seconds remaining. Rather than try for a touchdown, Tampa coach Dirk Koetter had his quarterback kneel twice to ice the clock, then let Folk launch the field goal the won the game, from almost exactly the yard line where Folk missed earlier.

In August, TMQ noted the continuing struggle of the Indianapolis Colts to find a center to replace sure first-ballot Hall of Famer Jeff Saturday. Sunday, the Colts were down to their third-string center, Adam Redmond, who did not play well.

Scoring to pull within 32-30 in the fourth quarter against LA/A, the Cowboys went for two and succeeded, but a penalty—a pretty ticky-tack holding call—nullified the deuce. Then Dallas went for two from the Rams’ 12 and failed, but LA/A was flagged for holding. Now at the Rams 7, Dallas made a third deuce attempt, and failed. The official scorer wrote it up this way:

TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. D.Prescott rushes up the middle. ATTEMPT SUCCEEDS. PENALTY on DAL-T.Frederick, Offensive Holding, 10 yards, enforced at LA 2 - No Play. TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. D.Prescott pass is incomplete. ATTEMPT FAILS. DEFENSIVE TWO-POINT ATTEMPT. M.Barron intercepted the try attempt. PENALTY on LA-K.Webster, Defensive Holding, 5 yards, enforced at LA 12 - No Play. TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. D.Prescott pass to T.Williams is incomplete. ATTEMPT FAILS.

It's the triumphant return of Fuzzy Thurston (63) to the Pack attack.

Adventures in Officiating. Green Bay’s first touchdown against Chicago came on a pick pattern during which Packers wideout Randall Cobb looked like Fuzzy Thurston leading a Packers power sweep in 1966. As Tuesday Morning Quarterback noted two weeks ago, Clemson won the big-college title over Alabama using a goal line pick play on which offensive pass interference should have been called. Offensive pass interference should have been called here, too. For 20 years the NFL has been tweaking rules to encourage more passing offense. But if zebras essentially make it legal for a wide receiver to block defenders out of the way of another wide receiver, coverage will become impossible.

The Ravens are not playing well, but deserved six on a scoop-and-score touchdown that was reversed to an incompletion.

Packers Note. Twice facing 3rd-and-goal versus the Bears, Green Bay went five-wide, including on one from the Chicago 2. Let’s hope Jim Taylor didn’t watch the game! Nothing better symbolizes the pass-wacky contemporary NFL than the Packers, team of tradition, going empty backfield at the goal line, a traditional juncture where the fullback expects the ball. Green Bay also went empty on 3rd-and-6 from the Chicago 8.

Green Bay’s first goal line empty-backfield play should have resulted in a penalty flag. On the second, the Packers faked the pick-play action that had just worked before, and Chicago bought the fake. This was a sweet example of the “series” tactic—a play early in the game sets up the defense for a later play designed to look like a repeat of the first one.

Scouts’ Note. USC quarterback Sam Darnold may be the first player chosen in the next NFL draft. Touts gave thumbs-down to his performance last weekend at Washington State, where his passing numbers were meh and he fumbled on the Trojans’ final possession. But scouts may feel differently from touts.

In the second quarter, Darnold stood behind center on 3rd-and-4, saw the Wazzou defense had only two linemen on the field, and audibled from a pass to an off-tackle run. The runner went 86 yards to the end zone, which was nice, but what will impress pro scouts was that in a national primetime game, Darnold audibled to take the ball out of his own hands and give it to someone else. With NFL quarterbacks increasingly expected to make last-second checks at the line of scrimmage based on taking what the defense offers, plays like this will increase Darnold’s pro appeal as much as his well-thrown passes.

Lockheed Martin Has Nothing on the NFL. Facebook and Amazon have joined the NFL as “broadcast partners,” the phrase the league uses. These tech giants are added to the roster of NFL broadcast partners AT&T (via DirecTV), CBS, Comcast (via NBC), Disney (via ESPN), Fox, Google (via Android Play), Verizon, and Yahoo. Spreading the product around makes good business sense. But just as aerospace firms want a defense subcontract in every congressional district, the NFL now has a contractual relationship with almost every major communications conglomerate. ABC, Amazon, AT&T, CBS, ESPN, Facebook, Fox, Google, NBC, Verizon, Yahoo—all now have a financial interest in downplaying public subsidies to NFL owners.

Belichick Has Been Smiling, and Now He Reveals Patriots Tactics? Bill, Are You Sure You Shouldn’t See a Doctor? This story, by Scott Davis, explains the body-language cue that Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniels noted to draw up a play sandlot style during a game, scoring a touchdown versus Houston. Flying Elvii opponents take note—when you’re standing near the New England sideline, you are being watched. And note that the piece ran on Business Insider, a website hard to define but often interesting.

At Least in Blade Runner, There’s Still Johnnie Walker Black in the Future. The new flick Blade Runner 2049 opens this weekend, and unlike most sequels, advance buzz is positive. How will the movie depict the United States of 32 years into the future?

The original flick Blade Runner, in theaters in 1982, was set in the year 2019, 37 years into the future of 1982. That was about as distant as 1984 was to the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, published 1949 and depicting a world 35 years into the future. So the famed book and both Blade Runner flicks have in common a depiction of a future a little less than four decades hence. Perhaps this sounds close enough to seem urgent, but far enough away that once the year rolls around, everyone will have forgotten what was predicted.

Ryan Gosling and Ana de Armas in Blade Runner 2049. (Courtesy of Warner Bros. Entertainment)

In the original Blade Runner, the world of 2019 has sentient cyborgs and faster-than-light travel to distant star systems. I don’t think either are coming within two years. In retrospect the most phantasmagorical sci-fi aspect of the original Blade Runner was that in 2019, the Japanese economy rules the world.

Blade Runner was an example of Hollywood overestimating the rate of technological change, which is ongoing in cinema. The latest in the derivative-is-putting-it-charitably Alien franchise, Alien Covenant, is set in the year 2104, less than a century from now. Not only are there sentient androids, Earth is building starships that travel at 5,000 times the speed of light. That’s the speed required to traverse the distance mentioned in the film, in the time mentioned. Yet though men and women have conquered the light-speed barrier, they don’t know not to leave the lander door open on a mysterious planet where dry-ice mist is everywhere, and don’t know not to touch strange pulsating goo in a spooky cave.

Overstating the pace of technology is common in sci-fi. The Red Mars novel series, which began in 1993, had the first colonists leaving for Mars in 2027. Gene Roddenberry’s 1973 made-for-TV film Genesis II had underground hyperloop trains crisscrossing the United States in the year 1979. The 2014 flick X Men: Days of Future Past had antigravity devices being common in 2023.

In the 1967 Star Trek episode with Ricardo Montalban portraying the superhuman Khan (used as a basis later for the movie The Wrath of Khan), the Enterprise encounters an Earth spaceship “built in the 1990s” that has traveled thousands of light-years into the galaxy. This would be possible only if faster-than-light propulsion existed during the Bill Clinton administration. (Trek buffs will know that a later movie retconned the invention of warp drive to the year 2063.) The best part of the 1967 Star Trek episode, which was set in 2267, is that although the 1990s ship can travel faster than the speed of light, it can only communicate using Morse code.

Roy Amara, a researcher who died in 2007, is known for saying, “We overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run.” Short-term overestimates of space-focused technology dominate TV and movies. Yet public policy underestimates long-term effects of technology, such as to the potential to control greenhouse gases and fix climate change.

California Team Has Quarterback Job Opening. In August, TMQ asked, apropos the unemployed Colin Kaepernick, “If Derek Carr goes down again, does anyone seriously believe the Raiders will stand a better chance with E.J. Manuel than they would with Kaepernick?” Carr went down on Sunday, and the Raiders wished they’d signed Kaepernick.

While Oakland did not have a good backup quarterback, the Raiders did have Marquette King, the NFL’s first egomaniacal punter. Early in the contest, after launching a good punt, King danced around on the field grabbing his crotch. “He should have been flagged,” your columnist thought. Late in the contest, after being stopped trying to run for a first down from punt formation, King was flagged for throwing the ball at a Bronco. The combination of poor play and stupid penalty gave Denver first down on the Oakland 11. A punter who thinks he’s Michael Jackson onstage at Madison Square Garden is a punter who won’t be in the NFL much longer.

Reader Animadversion. Last week, readers noted that EPA administrator Scott Pruitt has assigned himself a round-the-clock bodyguard detail of 18 people. Can he possibly be in mortal peril from the enviros? Of course not: The security detail is to make Pruitt seem more important, while cutting to the heads of lines and getting the “make way, make way” treatment.

Now reader Carol Constance of Menlo Park, California, notes Pruitt also wants a soundproof booth in his office. What if the Russians overheard the details of the latest Section 404 wetlands rulemaking! An EPA spokeswoman told the Washington Post that Pruitt wants an updated Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility, or SCIF. The SCIF has been a Hollywood obsession since Tom Cruise had to penetrate one in a Mission: Impossible movie. Intelligence Community agencies actually need a SCIF on a premises. Why does the Environmental Protection Agency need a brand-new SCIF? To make Pruitt seem more important.

Obscure College Score. Stevenson 65, Misericordia 7. California, Pennsylvania and Indiana, Pennsylvania—state-named towns in a commonwealth—are hotbeds of Division II action. (See the below item.) Dallas, Pennsylvania, is home to Misericordia University and Division III sports. The school offers something that higher education is extremely uncomfortable with: a kind of money-back guarantee.

Next Week. The Tuesday Morning Quarterback Obscure College Game of the Year: California of Pennsylvania versus Indiana of Pennsylvania, kicking off 2 P.M. Eastern on Saturday at Frank Cignetti Field of George P. Miller Stadium in Indiana, Pennsylvania.