Before anybody asks anything:

I work at a tech support line for MSN users. Most our customers are reasonable people who genuinely need help. And then we get calls like this.

This is as true and accurate a transcription as memory will allow. It just shows how amazingly stupid people can get to be.



Me: Thank you for contacting MSN Technical support. My name is George and I'll be your support assistant. May I please have the telephone number associated with this account?

Customer: Yes, hello. I am calling because I can't get in the internet.

Me: Very well, we'll more than gladly help you with that. May I please have the phone number associated with this account?

Customer: Okay dear, I already told you, I can't get in the internet. I don't have a problem with my phone line, my phone line is fine. Will you help me with this problem?

Me: ... Okay, now before I can provide support for you, I need to pull up your information in the database. In order to do that...

Customer: *sigh* Fine, ok, my phone number is *** - ****.

Me: Thank you, could I please have the area code for that?

Customer: Listen, I don't know why you're so obsessed with my phone number. The phone is FINE. I'm USING it right now, to TALK to you. Can you hear me OK?

Me: ... Yes.

Customer: Good, I was starting to wonder because you don't seem to be LISTENING.

Me: I need the area code, ma'am.

Customer: AGH! Ok, it's ***.

Me: Thank you for that, ma'am, can I have one moment while I pull up your information here...

Customer: I thought you had already pulled it up. Listen, what's going on over there? I've been on hold for like FIVE MINUTES!

Me: It's... been a busy day today, ma'am, I apologize for the inconvenience. Okay, I have your account here. Could I please have your full name?

Customer: Listen, where are you guys located? Seattle or something?

Me: No, ma'am, we're actually located in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Customer: You're kidding me! My goodness!! Have you been there long?

Me: ... uh, Argentina?

Customer: Yes, what are you, volunteering?

Me: I live here.

Customer: How'd you get all the way over there?

Me: Ma'am, I...

Customer: You're american, aren't you?

Me: No, I'm not.

Customer: My goodness!! Well, you have very good English.

Me: Thank you.

Customer: The other day I called I got this tech support person who had a very heavy Indian accent... I couldn't understand a WORD of what was being said.

Me: Well, MSN does value diversity...

Customer: I'll say! And now I'm speaking with an Argentine. Well, I hope you understand me well, seeing how you're in another country and all...

Me: I'll do my best. Could I please have your full name, ma'am?

Customer: Why? This is Elsie. Why do you need my full name?

Me: For security reasons. Just to know I'm not giving your information away to somebody else...

Customer: What?! Why? Is somebody asking for my information? Who would want my information?

Me: Hypothetically.

Customer: What?

Me: Hypothetically speaking.

Customer: Now don't get all technical on me, I don't know any of your fancy computer terms.

Me: ... Okay, ma'am, I need your full name?

Customer: I'm Elsie.

Me: First and last name, please.

Customer: Elsie *******. Do you want my social security number as well!?

Me: No, that'll be fine. Thank you for that information, ma'am, is it okay if I call you Elsie?

Customer: Sure, go ahead.

Me: Elsie, could I please have the e-mail address this account is under?

Customer: OH, I've got it written down somewhere... hold on, let me see here... OK, it's *******@msn.com.

Me: Alrighty. Thank you for your patience while I gathered that information. May I please have a brief overview of the reason you're contacting MSN today?

Customer: ... But I already TOLD YOU! I can't get on the Internet!!

Me: ... Okay, could you be a little bit more specific?

Customer: Well, what do you wanna know?

Me: Well, first of all, are you using dialup?

Customer: The what?

Me: Dialup.

Customer: ... I'm sorry, I don't speak Argentinean.

Me: Do you access the internet using the phone line?

Customer: No, I use the computer.

Me: ...Do you try signing in using the MSN butterfly?

Customer: The what?!

Me: The MSN Butterfly.

Customer: No, the computer, hun, the computer!!

Me: ... On your desktop, do you see an icon that says "MSN" with a little butterfly?

Customer: On my desktop? ... Let me check... No, no butterfly... why would there be a butterfly on my desktop anyway?

Me: Okay, let's go through Programs and search for the MSN software there...

Customer: I told you to stop it with the fancy computer words! I don't have the butterfly! If I had a butterfly, I would know, OK?!

Me: ... Alright. So is it safe to say you don't have the MSN softw-- program installed?

Customer: WAIT A MINUTE hold on here... I PAID for this thing, OK? You're telling me I don't have the MSN, but I paid for it, do you want me to give you my credit card number so you can check the billing information?!

Me: No, ma'am, that'll be fine. But if you don't see the MSN butterfly installed I can only assume you don't have the program installed and you're using a manual connection.

Customer: I'm not using a connection. I told you, I can't get in the internet!!! God, you foreign people.

Me: Okay, ma'am, so what I'm gonna do is assist you in the setting up of a manual connection for you to download the MSN Software with, is that okay?

Customer: Well, how are we gonna do that.

Me: First I would need you to get to Control Panel and look for Connection Settings...

Customer: I'm not leaving this house!

Me: No, Control Panel is in your computer.

Customer: ... Oh, you need me to be on the computer?

Me: ... Yes.

Customer: But I haven't even opened it yet.

Me: ... I'm sorry, what was that?

Customer: It's in the box.

Me: You haven't opened the box yet?!?

Customer: ... I'm gonna have to call you guys back later...





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