Publicly available photo returned upon search with Duckduckgo.

Dear Ian,

I hope this finds you well. Finland continues to be a struggle. My landlord has threatened to shoot me, mimed a shotgun at me and makes continuous reference to drunk and stupid Irish jokes, Riverdance, the IRA, explosions and blowing stuff up and whatever other points of Irish culture he thinks serves his derogatory opinion. I have reported him to the police but they have decided the approximately €60,000*(see end for correction) he gets maybe publicly taxed on a year is not enough for him to be fined on, and they have made my witness disappear on paper. They tell me, as the Finnish do in all things, that I don’t understand. Which I find amusing, as I would have thought the symbol for miming a shotgun, and saying “no one needs to get shot” several times was rather universal representation for shooting someone with a shotgun.

It looked a little bit like this.

His ability to make the threats is amazing in and of itself as he claims not to be able to speak English. Though he randomly gains the ability. This is another odd fact in the story as he appears to have spent forty years as an international business lawyer who advertised his skills in Finnish, Swedish, English, and German. Sometimes he is able to claim not to speak English or read it whilst answering my questions in his email in Finnish.

I suppose he could have meant a rifle or one of Sako’s [Finnish arms and munitions company] famous magic glowing hunting bullets as pictured. But, I think after he air pumped the thing and fired it again that it was a shotgun. I could be wrong though, he might not have pumped the invisible mind-shotgun but rather been attending some itch or issue with phantom recoil before firing the possible-but-not-there rifle. I have never been so strong on the exactness of interpretive firearms as I failed my class in RADA. If I had known mime was so popular in Finland, I would never have come. Though in a way, it makes sense, to develop means of communication besides that language.

There’s some blurb about they will not pursue the matter against him as it would likely only get a fine and the fine it would get is not enough to cover the cost of the case. Which is odd as here in Finland fines are measured against your yearly earnings and as mentioned, that I can publicly see, my landlord is apparently being taxed on maybe approximately €60,000*(see end for correction) a year. My landlord is an auxiliary judge and with no reference to the witness of the event and a statement that it will not be investigated for fear of damaging his reputation, for the good of the Finnish people, the cases are dropped. Finland continues to be a struggle of corruption and fraud.

I am writing again so quickly because in my dealings with the nightmarish and interminable noise and vibration of the illegally constructed Flamenco School, I have come across something hilariously unbelievable but so totally Finland that I have to share. I will have to quote a few emails to the Finnish Insurance Broker’s Association + The Finnish Central Bank, so please bare with me.

As depicted in the famous documentaries drawn in real time, Asterix, a form of Insurance Mystic was common in ancient Roman times.

Here in Finland, I have discovered what can only be described as a hitherto unknown branch of Insurance Brokers. While I cannot state whether it exists in Estonia (they have a castle) or Russia (castle has you), my Swedish friends assure me it does not exist in Sweden. That is to say,

The Insurance Mystic.

Don’t laugh.

It’s true.

Due to the importance of full insurance coverage for Viking, marine, health and acts of Jörmungandr, Jötunn, Loki and Thunderer. Early Norse people dealt with Insurance Mystics quite severely. The infamous Blood Eagle was actually shortened from its namesake Halfdan Hafstad Crimson Eagle Permanent Assurance.

The Insurance Mystic would appear to be a difficult mix between an old school soothsayer and an old school soviet disinformation politmemberthing (“politmemberthing?” “Comrade you remember nothing.”) It is possible that there may be some unknown science to it that is so advanced that it seems like magic to the rest of the world. That is to say there exists in Finland a branch of Insurance Broker that is able to judge the safety of construction, acoustic safety, air quality, ventilation systems, plumbing systems, health, water and matters of the faith without seeing them. Without ever being in the same room as them. Just by reading about them.

I’m not saying it’s like faith healing, but when I described it to a guy at the metro station, he told me it was a lot like faith healing. Pictures is M. Valentine Greatrakes (Affane, Waterford — shout out to the Affane Posse!) also known as Greatorex The Stroker who claimed to be able to cure disease by “stroking” the victim. Which could possibly hold a direct lineage to Mikko Koskensyrjä’s much vaunted and possible ability to judge the safety of ventilation units that not only has he not seen but do not exist.

Not only do they never need any meaningful contact with the issues, but they are also able to conduct and judge complex safety issues without any measuring equipment, rather just by reading an email and thinking about it.

Tasseography, the divination or fortune-telling method that interprets the pattens in tea leaves bares some strong similarities to Insurance-Borking, the lesser known art of insurance divination or as is translated from the ancient Sumerian “making some shit up and saying everything will be okay” and “don’t worry I studied some stuff like this once”.

It must be a very secret, special and ancient Finnish art as suspected Insurance Mystics are evasive when asked of education. They also appear to answer to a higher power than government agencies such as Health and Safety and the Environment. As their mystic claims of safety will go unchallenged. Basic impersonation of city authority will also go unchallenged with other departments and police, as they and their impersonation of city authority is apparently under no jurisdiction.

As the Insurance Mystic dictates safety, the city authority will go to many lengths to protect the Insurance Mystic, even breaking the very laws of logic by stating that laws written by or for their own department are, in the face of the Insurance Mystic’s predictions, no longer relevant and not enforced by them.

Re: a request for inspection of ventilation safety regarding the interior of an apartment in Helsinki. An outside ventilation pipe had mechanics added with no safety gauges and was heavily suspected to not be regulation distance from the dwelling. Health effects caused by the noise and worries about air quality were expressed, especially as the ventilation unit had begun to crack and peel away the plaster on the wall it was beside. "We deal with the health risk inside the apartment ( inside one flat) not deal with the hole building. In our work we do not use the directive you referenced (https://www.edilex.fi/data/rakentamismaaraykset/d2e.pdf) but mainly heath protection act and regulation ”Sosiaali- ja terveysministeriön asetus asunnon ja muun oleskelutilan terveydellisistä olosuhteista sekä ulkopuolisten asiantuntijoiden pätevyysvaatimuksista 545/2015”. For those building and structural safety questions you may have to consult rakennusvalvontavirasto (Building Control Department) (or Pelastuslaitos (Helsinki City of Rescue Department))." - Anne Hernesmaa, city health inspector.

Questions about qualifications to be able to judge safety arose due to the suspected Insurance Mystic’s incredible powers.

Re: a request for inspection of ventilation safety regarding the interior of an apartment in Helsinki due to non-regulation changes to an exhaust and the addition of mechanics. "For a board member, no formal qualification is required. I have studied many environmental issues including a couple of courses on noise reduction, so I have some knowledge of the issue." - Mikko Koskensyrjä Also possible suspected Insurance Mystics are able to decide if you are allowed have your windows open. "During the survey we noticed that the outer windows of your apartment are open. Please close them. Otherwise water and cold will damage the windows." - Mikko Koskensyrjä

Mikko goes on to detail with pictures and diagram to explain how to change a ventilation feature that does not exist within the apartment I rent. What did exist was a raw concrete hole filled with socks and rags and black dust my landlord later kindly emptied into the apartment without HVAC equipment.

Defy the laws of logic, nay science! "On Tuesday the housing company had a structural survey at the flamenco school premises. Unfortunately the technical property manager was ill and the other persons attending the survey (including me) did not find any imminent construction errors. We will try to get more information next month, including the holes in the basement walls." - Mikko Koskensyrjä "Since you are asking, yes, I have the insurance broker's licence" - Mikko Koskensyrjä "You have already made at least ten cheeky comments" - Mikko Koskensyrjä Take that Science!

Puzzled by this information. The lack of any mention of measurements or really anything of worth, I began to research this vaunted thing Mikko Koskensyrjä had repeatedly stated he was. Perhaps they had some information or guidelines or even, though I dare not hope, a code of ethics.

Publicly available photos of the construction of the illegal Flamenco School by members of the soon-to-be-illegal Flamenco School.

Whilst all this study into the apocrypha of ‘De Safety Waarzegger’. Saara Suojanen, Jouko Raisanen, Mikko and the board’s assurance everything was tiptop safe and all, don’t you worry your pretty little “cheeky” Irish head*. whilst denying private sound tests. It would turn out the Flamenco School had been constructed illegally without the correct permits and as such it was unlikely it had any safety inspections including to the changed ventilation pipe.

Publicly available photos of the construction of the illegal Flamenco School by members of the soon-to-be-illegal Flamenco School.

Whilst repeated statements by both the board and school assured me that in fact the building manager Timo Hagner had been responsible for building everything and no one knew anything and even though it had been repeatedly brought up at owners and board member meetings, no one knew anything and it was Timo Hagner’s fault and because they knew nothing they were not responsible.

As publicly available photos posted to the Facebook group of the would-be-illegal Flamenco school clearly showed members of the later-to-be-revealed-as-operation-illegally-Flamenco school constructing the Flamenco-School-formerly known-as-legal.

Publicly available photos of the construction of the illegal Flamenco School by members of the soon-to-be-illegal Flamenco School.

This was strange and I wondered was this the first chink in seeming godlike divination powers of the suspected, possible Insurance Mystic. I would have sought answers from Timo Hagner but after some sound measurement sabotage, Timo Hagner had disappeared into the wilds of Helsinki and I fear for its safety as this was the same Timo Hagner whom my landlord repeatedly informed me was a shady, dangerous criminal I should be careful of. Yes, my landlord that was an auxiliary member of the Judiciary and practiced law for forty years and had been called to the bar. Yes the Finnish Bar, the very same bar that expects its members to follow and obey the rule of law. Yes, that very same one.

The trail had gone dead.

The city was refusing to answer me on the matters of the ventilation and air safety and general safety. Laws were cast aside, and even the very “senior technical advisor” Pekka Kalliomäki listed in Ministry of the Environment, Housing and Building Department ,Indoor Climate and Ventilation of Buildings ,Regulations and Guidelines 2003 could not or would not answer my questions.

It would appear in my opinion that Mikko Koskensyrjä had almost Free Masonary like reach into the highest echelons of Finnish power. Perhaps it was this apparent untouchability that enabled him to crack jokes about the suffering of others at public meetings.

So I contacted the Bank of Finland. That line of enquiry went dead after I enquired about conflict of interests and “giving reassurance on the safety of things he has not seen or measured.” as I did not know how much they knew, I did not mention his informing of the safety of things that did not exist. I was afraid that might blow their mind.

So I contacted the Finnish Insurance Brokers Association or the FSA. Surely their best minds might reveal something about the possible Insurance Mystic.

Dear Sir, My apologies, I just have to seek clarity on that position to understand you correctly — insurance brokers are allowed to cite their work and qualification as an insurance broker as guarantee to what they are doing re: matters of safety and support illegal construction, improper, illegal fire safety etc. And as long as that does not happen exactly under contract as an insurance broker, it is not in breach of the insurance broker code of conduct — specifically the points about adherence to law, conflict of interest etc? Either local or international? Best regards,

Mooseville 99 "Yes, you have understood correctly. In matters concerning construction, fire safety etc you should contact the competent authority (Building Control Department, fire safety inspector etc.) They have the competence to assess the competence of the insurance broker you mentioned regarding the issues you mentioned." Best regards,

Antti Lampinen

Emboldened by this first crack of truth. I pushed ahead.

Dear Sir,

I apologise, but that remains unclear. If I read that right - by telling me I understand correctly. You are telling me it is perfectly okay for an insurance broker, IF not under insurance broker contract - to be involved in illegal matters - such as illegal construction and false and illegal fire safety? You are telling me while not legally entitled, if not under contract an insurance broker may use their license as insurance broker, to attempt to falsely win confidences and falsely maybe even illegally to sign off on safety matters? You are telling me that an insurance broker - IF not under insurance broker contract may break and flout anything to do with the insurance brokers' code of conduct either national or international. That the insurance brokers' code of conduct either national or international, which I thought had points about adherence to law and the broker remaining of good character - that, that does not matter - if they are not under insurance contract - they are free to ignore and break the code of conduct? Also that, while they may falsely use their insurance broker license to falsely sign off on safety matters - from your writing I am to gather this is not legally correct nor a legal entitlement and I should consult these correct departments. Is this only in Finland? best regards, Mooseville 99

The trail abruptly went dead again.

Elsewhere Mikko Koskensyrjä would be party to trying to force me into signing a false public confession of participation and enacting of crimes I did not commit and to begin to meddle in things completely unrelated to him, such as a consumer complaint. In my opinion, the sheer omnipresence of the suspected Insurance Mystic, Mikko Koskensyrjä was staggering. Now it appeared that suspected Insurance Mystics controlled consumer affairs and were immune to data privacy laws.

It would seem the Insurance Mystics were privy to every level of Finnish society and even my landlord,(the auxiliary judge remember?) had to okay documents by Mikko Koskensyrjä. Consumer Complaint documents found their way to the suspected Insurance Mystic magically. Both the auxiliary member of the Judiciary and forty-year practicing attorney and once member of the Finnish Bar Association, and the Consumer Complaints Board deny providing Mikko Koskensyrjä [suspected Insurance Mystic] with the documents. As he “came into possession of them” with no explanation for this strange bureaucratic panopticon , I must only assume that witchcraft is responsible.

Artistic licence used. Not actual Insurance Mystics but witches from the film Haxan. Finland had a notorious problem with witches and magical creatures and spent a lot of time burning as many of them as they could find. The film Tulen Morsian (Devil’s Bride) [2016] depicts some of Finland’s struggle with witchcraft. Specifically the Åland or Ahvenanmaa witchhunts of the 1600s.

Could the Insurance Mystic be a school of Finnish witchcraft? Was the famous Perkele behind all of this after all?

Possibly in communion with the great Broker Entities that reside beneath the Earth, I imagined the suspected Insurance Broker must have used some sort of Spoon of Assurance through which he brokered the knowledge from the Pot of Insure.

It was okay though. I was assured by the Finnish Police that no crimes had happened, there was no evidence and I had clearly misunderstood because I was Irish and not Finnish.

Though repeated requests for private acoustic tests were made they were batted away with the arcane tactics of ignoring them, stating that the dance floor was fine and regulation and “No”.

When pushed, information was offered that they had a contract with The Illegal Flamenco School and could not gain entrance. Ever. Like, really, ever.

As this would later be told not to have a basis in law by the city construction lawyer. After twenty-five months of being given the run around by the entire city of Helsinki, I took this as testament of the suspected Insurance Mystic’s raw occult powers.

The Illegal Stamp Dancing School [quaintly known as Flamenco in Spain] had been ordered shut. The city construction authority had finally brought this dance into madness to a halt…

But not for long…

Sound tests would not be released…

The trail was dead… and the building had set about hurriedly ripping out the floor.

Then this appeared.

When translated from the original Finnish [an old Uralic language with links to both Moose and stone] the dialogue here which happens after the school was shut states something like “hey we have unneeded paving stones that could be used for a children’s playground.”

If indeed this photo was true, if somehow this photo taken from the Illegal Flamenco School’s Facebook page could be linked to the Illegal Flamenco School through some means not yet open to me, then it would prove that probably the Midlife Crisis Stampers and Guitar Association [politely referred to as Flamenco amongst the Spanish mountain cults that still practice it] had used material that could be used as children’s playground paving stones for the floor of their school. Flooring labelled as “possibly incorrect for an acoustically correct dance floor as they stated they had” by a noted Finnish acoustic Scientist.

I could not tell what was real any more.

Could Mikko Koskensyrjä’s powers as an Insurance Mystic be in doubt?

He could not possibly have lied could he? No. He was a good upstanding insurance broker, he had told me this himself in one of the emails where he had told me to close my windows.

He had thoroughly checked the building that day the other guy was sick, hadn’t he?

Could it be possible that Insurance Mystics did not exist, but rather had the same power as your average cake dowser?

In my opinion, I have no answers to these questions.

So I am left wondering, Mikko Koskensyrjä…Insurance Mystic?

Maybe I will never know for sure.

Maybe the arcane powers that rule Finland will close the doors that were briefly opened to me. Or maybe my landlord [the auxiliary judge] and his associates will hold good on his threat to shoot me.

I don’t know…

The vent has got louder…

They’ve ripped out the floors where the Illegal Stamping happened, no sound tests can happen now. They’ve ignored the city edict to return the place to the way it was before.

No one answers exist for questions of taxation, construction fraud or safety and I have been reliably informed my apartment is not subject to any safety or environmental laws of Finland.

Yet no one can tell me what laws it is subject to.

Though I fear they are not the laws of men. Or even laws you or I could fathom.

If you receive this Ian, find me scientists, find me insurance brokers, ask them questions of ethics… ask them…

Can you measure things you cannot see?

Can you measure things that do not exist?

Best regards,

Mooseville 99