Following extraordinary scenes on the podium in Brazil, the FIA is to scrap the planned double points rule for Abu Dhabi and replace it with a system called ‘Piquet points’, awarded according to how much three-times world champion and live interview sex pest Nelson Piquet fancies each drivers’ girlfriend.

‘This is sure to give Lewis Hamilton the upper hand,’ noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘Piquet really fancies Nicole Whatserface and would definitely like to spend time with her, assuming she’d want the company of someone who looks like a pervy retiree hanging around the sea front at Nice staring at girls from his 17 year old Ferrari.’

Conversely, the bizarre new season ending rule could be bad news for Nico Rosberg as paddock rumours suggest that Piquet finds Vivian Sibold ‘a bit pale’.

For Red Bull’s Daniel Ricciardo, however, the strange short-notice ruling could be good news; ‘Piquet really likes the look of his girlfriend,’ Ital confirmed. ‘He was overheard in Brazil saying he definitely wouldn’t kick her out of bed for not mentioning his 1982 win in Rio.’

The Piquet-based system is not the first time F1 has attempted an unsettlingly sex pesty points scheme. In 1998 the FIA planned to introduce ‘Flav scores’ in which drivers would be awarded extra points depending on how often leathery human testicle Flavio Briatore had attempted to stroke their wife or girlfriend. The plan was abandoned when it was realised the championship would end with every driver on one million points.