Ah, summer is upon us. There is no better pastime for an introvert than sitting on a comfy lawn chair with an ice-cold lemonade, watching people….be people. Why televisions even exist in society where there are “sidewalks” and “amphitheaters” is astounding to me. There is more unscripted reality transpiring on a Sears Outlet escalator at the mall than you will ever find in an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

People Watching is a liberating experience because it allows introverts to enjoy some of the succulent fruit of socialization, while simultaneous avoiding both physical and eye contact of their subjects with the same elusiveness of a seasoned private investigator.

While People Watching can be considered a solo activity, I would argue that it is an even better team activity. Lining up several introverts on a park bench and orally defecating on bystanders like a collection of witty pigeons is an afternoon well spent. As long as you have a steady flow of pedestrians the game ends only if your attention span terminates or you are confronted by someone sporting a beret.

For an introvert to maximize their viewing pleasure during People Watching it would be wise of them to look for the following signs in their vicinity:

1. Voices Rising.

Escalating tones is the thunder before the lightning. Angry dialog between two or more people is so fascinating because you’re able to witness the intellectual extents and personality traits of each person. Fast-paced arguing gives contestants little to no time to come up with material on the spot; either the person has memorized what they’re going to say in advance, from years of an oppressive relationship, or they’re spewing out the first line of text that scrolls across their cerebellum. It is common for a person with a limited vocabulary to find a sentence that seems to sum up their argument and spitefully repeat it over and over again until it’s clear that the argument has evolved and that line is now irrelevant.

You can expect to hear lines like:

“But that’s not my problem!”, “But that’s not my problem!”, “But that’s not my problem!”, or

“She said it was sterile!”, “She said it was sterile!”, “She said it was sterile!”.

When you hear someone’s voice begin to rise, immediately scan the area for an unobstructed viewing spot and a fresh bag of popcorn. The show is about to begin.

2. Unique apparel.

Clothes purchased before 1982 and clothes that look like they were purchased in 2055 are a good place to start. Clothes that look as though they were chosen at random by Ray Charles are a close runner-up. People tend to be drawn to clothing trends either from the decade of their infancy or from their own imagination. Fashion is an excellent draw in the world of People Watching as it both amuses the viewer and simultaneously comforts them in know that nothing in their closet is quite that bad.



3. Squatting Pets

Pet owners take their animals out for a walk for a multitude of reasons, but ultimately that animal must fill a bag of Reeses Feces. Keep your eyes open for those 30-60 seconds of pure humiliation as the pet owner must hold a leash attached to an animal that is squatting awkwardly in the middle of a grassy patch, quivering as it squeezes out a stick of butt butter. What will the pet owner choose to do during the longest 60 seconds of their life? Some stare off in the distance as if anticipating the arrival of a long-lost twin. Others check the weather app on their phone to see climate conditions in Sydney, Australia. Some choose to embrace the obligatory weirdness and simply stare at the crouching animal with disdain. Regardless of the pet owner’s response, it is bound to be worth your attention.

4. Elderly.

Older folks say the darndest things. Whether it is an ill-timed racial slur or a belated customer service complaint from a recent deli visit, elderly people are always a worthwhile eavesdrop.

5. Amateur Athletes

Working out is a noble pastime. Getting in shape is an intelligent decision. It’s also incredibly entertaining to see someone wheezing and shuffling their feet across a dirt path because they decided to begin training for a half-marathon in the middle of July. You’d think that a guy shadowboxing in cut-off sweatpants next to a Dip ‘n Dots is something you’d only see in New York City, but I assure you they are out there in a town near you.

So, we’ve proven that People Watching is an entertaining pastime, but is it a sport?

Only if you make it one.

With the simple insertion of a point-value system a casual round of People Watching among introvert friends could easily escalate into a head-smacking, trash-talking, adrenaline-pumping game of observation.

Examples:

+25 points for predicting what lap a first-time runner will give up/lose consciousness.

+50 points for spotting a man in authentic Mariachi Band attire.

+100 points for spotting something that no one else in your party has ever seen before.

+150 points for starting a fight among a couple without saying anything

(i.e. “Seinfeld” episode where George Costanza gets grapefruit in his eyes and winks unknowingly at everyone)

The details are up to you and your group of reclusive friends. Use your imaginations and make me proud – I’ll be watching you!

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