It’s hard to appear upbeat when inside you’re slowly dying. But David Davis gave it his best shot at the press conference to mark the end of the latest round of Brexit negotiations with the EU. After the prime minister’s speech in Florence had even underwhelmed the people who had written it, the pressure was on for him to deliver. “We have made considerable progress,” he began with a confidence he knew to be misplaced. Even if he couldn’t walk the walk, he could at least attempt to talk the talk.

The Brexit secretary fiddled nervously with his glasses as he tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone. There had been some decisive steps forward, he continued. He couldn’t say exactly what those steps had been other than that they had definitely been decisive. Reaching pretty much the same impasse on the role of the European court of justice in determining EU nationals’ rights, on financial liabilities and on the future of Northern Ireland that they had reached at previous negotiations was indeed genuine progress when you came to think about it. Because pretty much the same wasn’t exactly the same as exactly the same. Only very nearly the same.

“We have made constructive progress,” he repeated a third time. If you say something often enough there’s an outside chance it might come true. But towards the end of his opening remarks, even Davis began to look beaten. His shoulders slumped a little and his face crumpled. It was true there were still some differences between the two sides, so it would be great if someone could just show a little creativity. Not him, of course. He was long since totally out of creativity. He would never have taken the job if he’d known how difficult it was going to be. Why couldn’t the EU understand that Brexit was Britain’s way of wanting to be best friends with it?

Davis looked needily towards Michel Barnier as the EU negotiator began to make his reply. As if to say “Please don’t rock the boat, Michel. I’ve got the Tory party conference coming up at the weekend and I need to appear like I’ve been halfway competent”. Barnier momentarily took pity. Yes, there had been a new dynamic at these talks, he said. Theresa May’s Florence speech had been quite helpful in providing some clarity. Clarity as in proof that she was still alive and had a vague inkling of just how little progress had been made so far.

Then Barnier began to put the boot in. “We’ll keep going,” he sighed. But there was much more work that needed to be done on the preliminary issues and it could be months before there was any question of moving on to what Britain’s future relationship with the EU might look like. He spelled it out, just as he had done at every previous press conference. The ECJ was a red line. As was Britain meeting all its financial commitments. Decisions that were made as 28 countries would have to be paid for as 28 countries. How much clearer could he get? Sometimes he felt as if he was dealing with idiots. Why couldn’t Davis see that it wasn’t the EU that the clock was ticking for, it was the UK?

“Michel and I have made tangible progress,” Davis once more insisted in answer to a question from a BBC journalist. He also said he was feeling more optimistic, though he gave little indication as to why. Barnier interrupted the Brexit secretary to gently remind him that having moved on to first name terms didn’t necessarily count as sufficient progress to start talking about anything else.

Davis defaulted to autopilot. We had, had, had made progress. Lots of it. And anyone who said different was a liar. By now Barnier was showing the first signs of losing patience. It wasn’t the EU who had started all this, he reminded Davis tersely. So if the UK wanted the negotiations to succeed it needed to get its act together pronto. As soon as he was in a position to recommend to the other 27 EU countries that the talks move forward, then he would. But which bit of “insufficient progress” didn’t he get?

“We have made constructive progress,” Davis said, unaware that he was now – not for the first time – talking to an empty room.