FADE IN:

EXT. FAR FAR AWAY

Once upon a time, ANNA KENDRICK is the classic fairytale character CINDERELLA!

ANNA KENDRICK

My stepmom and her daughters

Always treat me like a slave!

But I’ve got a fairy godmo-

Er, I mean, a magic grave!

I’ll ask my magic ghost mom

Not for wealth, or to be free

But instead to go out dancing

I’m an idiot, you see.

Elsewhere, DANIEL HUTTLESTONE is the classic fairytale character JACK (you know, the beanstalk kid)!

DANIEL HUTTLESTONE

I asked Mom not to sell the cow

But I could not convince her

I guess we’re starving, so it’s this

Or run it through the mincer.

Elsewhere elsewhere, LILLA CRAWFORD is the classic fairytale character RED RIDING HOOD!

LILLA CRAWFORD

I see, so it’s a mashup

Of a bunch of nursery rhymes

Is Disney trying to atone

For Once Upon a Time?

Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, JAMES CORDEN is the classic fairytale character HANSEL RUMPELSTILTSKIN TOM THUMB “THE BAKER” and EMILY BLUNT is GRETEL SNOW WHITE SLEEPING BEAUTY “THE BAKER’S WIFE”? Hold on, who are these people? Seriously, they don’t even have names.

JAMES CORDEN

I’m an anxious, shlubby loser

With a gorgeous, nagging wife

Like from every single sitcom

You’ve encountered in your life.

EMILY BLUNT

Our attempts to have a baby

Have gone from bad to worse

Perhaps it should occur to us

That maybe we’ve been cursed

I mean, we live right next door

To a crazy, evil witch

It’s not a great location

But, well, moving’s such a bitch.

Suddenly, said witch MERYL STREEP bursts in, cosplaying as GRANDMAMA ADDAMS!

MERYL STREEP

I will end the curse upon you

If you do just what I say

Namely, tie these plots together

In an awkward, lazy way

Go bring me Anna’s slipper

Lilla’s cape and Daniel’s cow

Oh and get Rapunzel’s hair as well

Yes, she’s involved somehow.

EMILY BLUNT

All right, I know the best way

For these items to be found

Let’s head into the woods

And wander randomly around!

All the CHARACTERS head into the WOODS for a variety of cow selling, grandmother visiting, grave wishing and hamfisted plot-gluing-together purposes.

PRODUCTION DESIGNER DENNIS GASSNER

(exiting set forever)

Okay, from here on in just leave

The backgrounds on repeat

If you like shots of dim-lit trees

Then you’re in for a treat!

EXT. NON-DESCRIPT SECTION OF FOREST

JAMES and EMILY run into DANIEL and his COW.

EMILY BLUNT

Trade your cow for beans, kid?

They’re, um, MAGIC, don’t you know

But we’ll keep one for no reason

Cause the plot says to do so.

DANIEL HUTTLESTONE

I’ll innocently trust you

And fall for this cruel trick

Don’t your machinations

Make you feel like such a prick?

Of course, I didn’t mention

That my milk cow doesn’t work

And the beans are in fact magic

But so what, you’re still the jerk.

EMILY heads for home with the cow, without singing “Maybe They’re Magic”. Because fuck you, that’s why.

YOU HAVE ACQUIRED: COW AS WHITE AS MILK

EXT. A DIFFERENT PART OF THE WOODS

LILLA runs into JOHNNY DEPP, who looks sillier than ALL HIS TIM BURTON ROLES PUT TOGETHER PLUS TONTO.

JOHNNY DEPP

Good day, miss, I’m the Big Bad-

Well, not wolf, that’s total trash

I’m just some hobo furry

With a creepy pedostache

My hunger for your flesh

Gives me a creepy pedo vibe

These things are horrifying

But I guess at least they jibe?

JOHNNY hurries ahead to LILLA’S GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE and EATS THE GRANDMOTHER (offscreen). Then when LILLA shows up he EATS HER TOO (also offscreen). But then JAMES shows up, slays JOHNNY and SAVES THE DAY (also fucking offscreen, I mean come on).

LILLA CRAWFORD

That’s my story over

Less than half an hour in

Perhaps this useless subplot

Should have been left in the bin.

LILLA rewards JAMES with her HOOD, then proceeds to just sort of hang around for the rest of the movie.

YOU HAVE ACQUIRED: CAPE AS RED AS BLOOD

EXT. ANOTHER INTERCHANGEABLE BUNCH OF TREES

ANNA is running away from THE ROYAL BALL, which is yet another thing that happened OFFSCREEN UGH.

ANNA KENDRICK

I know it seems my story’s

Also over, just about

But we’ll do this scene twice more

And that should pad things out.

She runs into EMILY, who tries to get her SLIPPER but in the confusion only succeeds in losing the COW.

YOU HAVE UNACQUIRED: COW AS WHITE AS MILK

EXT. OH SCREW IT, NO MORE SCENE HEADINGS, IT’S ALL JUST THE SAME FUCKING FOREST

JAMES manages to randomly run into the COW!

YOU HAVE REACQUIRED: COW AS WHITE AS MILK

But then DANIEL shows up, trying to repurchase the COW with GOLD he stole from the GIANT. You know, the one he already visited. While we weren’t looking.

DANIEL HUTTLESTONE

At some point could we actually

SHOW STUFF, pretty please?

Where the hell’s our budget?

Did we blow it all on trees?

The stage play had no giants

Due to practical limitations

Not because it’s fun to use

Our damn imaginations!

JAMES tries to talk his way out of selling back the COW. Then suddenly the COW randomly FALLS DOWN AND DIES!

YOU HAVE RE-UNACQUIRED: COW AS WHITE AS MILK

DANIEL HUTTLESTONE

Well never mind then, guess I’ll go

And steal more giant treasure

I’ve gotten rich already

So this time it’s just for pleasure

And once I’ve robbed the giant blind

I think I’ll murder it

If you think about it, really,

I’m a horrid little shit.

He goes and does these horrible things. (Offscreen natch.)

EMILY BLUNT

Meanwhile I’ve obtained

Rapunzel’s hair, just by the way

Don’t worry how it happened

It was brief and throwaway.

YOU HAVE ACQUIRED: HAIR AS YELLOW AS CORN

And hey look, it’s time for TAKE THREE of the ANNA RUNS INTO EMILY WHILE FLEEING THE ROYAL BALL scene.

ANNA KENDRICK

So what have I been doing

Between dancing, do you think?

Some laundry, surely, or by now

This dress would have to stink.

This time EMILY GETS ANNA’S SLIPPER, in exchange for that LEFTOVER MAGIC BEAN, which ANNA throws into some RANDOM DIRT (DUN DUN DUNNNNN!).

YOU HAVE ACQUIRED: SLIPPER AS PURE AS GOLD

JAMES and EMILY bring the SLIPPER, HAIR and CAPE to MERYL! But the COW remains DEAD.

MERYL STREEP

I’ll just go ahead and use

My death-cure magic then!

Man, it’s Star Trek: Into Darkness

All over again.

She brings the COW back to LIFE and the contrived, arbitrary FETCH QUEST is finally COMPLETE! MERYL uses all the junk to do some MAGIC!

MERYL STREEP

At long last, time for me to do

My Death Becomes Her spell!

I’ll become a youthful beauty

Or a drag queen, hard to tell.

MERYL becomes YOUNG(ish) and BEAUTIFUL(ish), which causes her to lose her POWERS for whatever reason, while EMILY is instantly NINE MONTHS PREGNANT! She and JAMES go have their BABY, and ANNA marries PRINCE CHRIS PINE, and DANIEL and his MOTHER are still RICH, and LILLA is off doing WHATEVER and THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

END.

JAMES CORDEN

Don’t go yet, we’re not done!

Another giant just appeared!

Or go home if you want, I guess

It’s all downhill from here.

The GIANT’S WIFE comes down the OTHER BEANSTALK and starts WRECKING SHIT! LILLA’S FAMILY randomly GET CRUSHED AND DIE!

FRANCES DE LA TOUR

Some kid killed my husband

After stealing all our stuff!

He really is a psychopath

We can’t stress that enough!

And yes, if you were wondering

I was Madame Maxime

There’s just something about me

That screams “giant”, it would seem.

Everyone FREAKS OUT, and DANIEL’S MOTHER randomly GETS PUSHED OVER AND DIES! JAMES and EMILY go off in different DIRECTIONS hoping to randomly run across DANIEL, but instead EMILY bumps into PRINCE CHRIS.

CHRIS PINE

We’ve met three times before

But suddenly I find you hot

Let’s randomly make out

And further stall this boring plot!

They KISS for a while. The FOREST BIRDS inform ANNA, who promptly dumps CHRIS. True love is a sham! SUBVERSION!

ANNA KENDRICK

But Frozen and Maleficent

Already went that way

At what point does subversion

Turn back into a cliche?

But then EMILY randomly STUMBLES OVER A CLIFF AND DIES! Meanwhile ANNA’S GHOST MOM had her GRAVE DESTROYED which makes her DOUBLE DEAD or something! DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH

JAMES CORDEN

Oh no, my wife is dead!

I can’t be a single dad!

Mine went and abandoned me

And I’d be just as bad!

I’d best stay out of my son’s life

i.e., abandon him

I don’t see what's wrong with that

Because I’m rather dim.

MERYL brings them DANIEL and they all argue about whether they should feed him to the GIANT. MERYL rants INCOHERENTLY and REGAINS HER MAGIC POWERS.

MERYL STREEP

I could use my regained powers

To resurrect your dead

But I’ll just throw a hissy fit

And kill myself instead.

MERYL randomly SINKS INTO THE EARTH and DIES.

JAMES CORDEN

Dear God, this story’s turned into

A morbid, cluttered mess

Let’s wrap this shit already

And go slay a giantess!

They throw LITTLE ROCKS at THE GIANT’S BARN-SIZED HEAD until she falls over, pulling a tree onto herself and getting CRUSHED the way a REGULAR-SIZED PERSON might get crushed by a HATSTAND.

JAMES CORDEN

So what, then, is the moral

Of this drawn-out piece of shite?

“Be careful what you wish for

Cause you just might get it”, right?

Sure, getting it is AWESOME

But after that part’s done

A giant drops down from the sky

And murders everyone.

END.