Disclaimer: the idea and characters of Dragon Ball are owned by Akira Toriyama. This is a simple non-profit fan parody.

Chapter 4 - The dunce and future king

The woman's fingers moved nimbly on the metallic keypad, rapidly pressing a five digits code. The keypad emitted an electronic buzz so cacophonic, it was like the security system itself was looking down in spite at the fleshy human who dared get the password wrong.

The woman sighed, and checked her watch. It was past midnight, barely. She typed a different code, and this time there was a pleasant blip, and the door happily slid open. She entered the vast throne room, walking speedily but with some care, because the stone tiles floor was somewhat uneven and the lighting was poor, especially there at the back. This was, of course, because His Majesty thought that flaming torches made for a far more dramatic source of light than electric lamps.

"Your Majesty, Lord Pilaf," the woman saluted, "reporting. I apologise for the mishap with the access code."

"At ease, Mai." Pilaf was sitting on the throne in formal attire, blue-and-red striped cap and all. "We were just discussing the new security measures with Shu, here."

Shu was, of course, the anthropomorphic dog in a ninja suit that stood next to the throne. He was fidgeting nervously with his paws, and shifting from one foot to the other, a bit uncomfortable.

"Yes, Lord Pilaf," he said "as I was saying, I think changing all the passwords daily is the best we can do if we want to reinforce security. Weekly would have been fine in normal circumstances, but well, with our rivals gathering more and more Dragon Balls by the day, it seems sensible to just make sure."

Mai raised an eyebrow.

"Really, Shu? Frankly, I felt it was already enough as it was. Now we have five different passwords - two for the residence wings, one for the throne room, one for the machine floor, and one for the underground treasure room - and I have to learn new ones every day. It kind of defeats the purpose if the turnover is so quick we need to write them down on paper to remember them."

"You could do as we do, Mai," intervened Pilaf, with a self-satisfied smile "and write them down on the palm of your hand instead."

Shu took a positively horrified expression, and Mai sent him an eloquent look, but neither of them commented this out loud.

"Anyway," said Mai "I feel like we are focusing way too much on the defensive here. What good is a daily password, instead of a weekly one, if we never move to strike our enemies? They have the initiative, and are clearly making use of it. Tomorrow they could just come smashing through the walls of our castle, or hack into our security systems, or who knows what else. We can't just stand waiting. We need to act."

She paused for a second.

"Your Majesty," she added, with a small bow.

Pilaf nodded, making a display of having followed Mai's arguments very carefully.

"You are right, Mai, of course, and we greatly value your advice. We called this meeting exactly to discuss this matter. Shu, could you give us the situation report?"

"Uhm, sure, Lord Pilaf," said Shu "the radar currently shows only, uhm, three bright spots on the map. One corresponds to our Dragon Ball, sitting in the treasure room. Another is located on Mount Frypan, probably inside the infamous Ox King's castle. Finally, the third spot is approximately 500 km to the north of here. It stands still at night and at day it's moving, and has been for quite some time, steadily, towards, well, us."

"So they now have five Dragon Balls." Mai frowned. "Not bad considering that we're the ones who should have a castle, lots of military hardware, and a radar."

"Well, they obviously have a radar too, and probably, uhm, better than ours. Our resolution is only five meters, so we can't really distinguish their Balls, they keep them all together in some container. I also can't say anything sure about their weapons, but they seem to at least have a lot of different vehicles. They've been moving by road and air. Also they stop every night in a different place, so they have some kind of portable base."

"Mobile and always on the offensive. They know what they're doing. Lord Pilaf, may I ask your permission to act?"

Pilaf leaned forward, curious. "What do you have in mind, Mai?"

"A pre-emptive strike. At their current distance, if I take a plane, I can reach them before dawn. I don't expect them to have strong defences, considering their mobility. I'll scout their base and if the situation allows for it, I will break in and steal the Dragon Balls."

"Mai," Pilaf's expression darkened, "we don't do that."

The woman blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"We don't use that word. A king does not steal from his subjects."

"I apologise, Your Majesty," she immediately corrected herself "I will confiscate the Dragon Balls, for the greater glory of your kingdom."

"That's better. However, Mai, you are loyal but rash. We do not believe we should spring into hostile action so quickly."

"We don't know how dangerous they are." said Shu.

"That is true, Shu, but we were thinking of something else. It would be a proper display of our magnanimity as a sovereign, if we were to offer these misguided subjects of ours a chance to negotiate, see the errors of their ways, and contribute willingly to the reign of their one true King. It is after all possible - if unlikely - that news of our Majesty have not reached them yet."

"Your Majesty," said Mai, with all the calm she could muster, "I strongly advise against that."

"Your advice has been noted. But our decision is final. Shu, arrange for an invitation to be sent to the current location of the five Dragon Balls. They are to come here for a dinner and an audience with us tomorrow, so that their fealty may be discussed."

"As you command." The dog bowed quickly. "I just have put together a new drone that I wanted to test on the field."

And he bolted away.

Mai kneeled and kept her head low.

"I will follow your orders," she said "but I feel I can not guarantee our safety if we reveal to our enemy so many of our secrets, and give them access to our base of operation."

"Mai, Mai, dear Mai. This is much simpler than you are making it to be. We have our security systems, we will be playing in our home field. There are no risks for us."

Pilaf rose from the throne and advanced to her, smiling. He probably wanted to make it a slow, solemn walk, but his legs were too short and the steps in front of the throne way too tall for that to work properly.

"They will see the light. And if not, they will either have to leave the Dragon Balls unguarded in their current base, or bring them here. And in either case, you will have our permission to confiscate them - as well as to punish their felony - however you see fit."

Mai smiled.

"As you order, Your Majesty."

When Goku woke up, at dawn, and was readying himself to go do his morning training routine, he found Bulma awake in the kitchen, at the table, busy with tools, wires, circuit boards, and the remains of what must have been one of the house's appliances.

"Good morning, Bulma," greeted her Goku "you woke up early."

Bulma lifted her head.

"No, I'm going to bed late," she said, and dove back into the bundle of cables she was trying to untangle.

The boy peered curiously at the messy tangle of electronics that she was working on. He thought he recognised one discarded piece, a rectangular door of sorts with a thick glass.

"Was that the thing you always use to cook dinner?" he asked. "The wavy oven?"

"Microwave oven, yes. This is both of them, in fact. I had a spare."

A screw was forced and broken with a hammer's head. The splinters flew towards Goku, who nudged his head in reflex to dodge them.

"I'm glad you decided to get rid of it," approved the boy, "all those meals in boxes that you kept making with it did not look very healthy. I'll be happy to share my steamed vegetables and roasted meat with you."

"That is definitely not why I did it," Bulma said with a sigh, "but well, things happened, and I needed the pieces to make some other things."

"Oh? Why? What happened?"

"Let's see... do you know what electromagnetic waves are?"

"No. But I think you mentioned that word when you explained how you could find the Dragon Balls."

"Right. Ok, so, think of electromagnetic waves a bit like the waves you see on the surface of a lake. Except they're invisible and can travel everywhere, because the lake is everywhere."

"Wait," Goku frowned "if the lake is everywhere, isn't that almost the same as saying that there is no lake at all?"

"Whatever floats your boat. It's just a metaphor anyway. Electromagnetic waves are of different types, like radio waves, or light..."

"You said they were invisible," objected Goku "but I can see light. And it does not look like a wave."

"Argh! Ok, so they're all invisible except light, and with light you can't see it's a wave because, well you don't really see light, you see using light. No matter. These waves can pass right through some types of matter, or hit it and push it..."

"Like a punch?" suggested Goku.

"...or just heat it up..."

"Like a series of back-and-forth slaps!" he suggested again, happy that he was finally getting the hang of this.

"...yes, you could say so. You give me a renewed appreciation for how much physics is involved in beating people up. Microwaves do the latter, to water, specifically. So that's what the oven does, it uses microwaves to make the water inside food heat up and cook it, producing them with a resonant cavity, and keeping them confined with a metallic mesh cage, so that they don't get out."

She threw a glance at the mangled remains of the appliance, strewn all over the table.

"Well, that's what it did, at least."

"That is all very interesting," said Goku, "but I still don't get what happened. You are in a bit of a frenzy."

"Oh, right. That. Let me have a coffee first."

A few minutes passed while Bulma trafficked with a kettle and poured herself a long cup of very dark coffee. She considered offering some to Goku too but the thought of an hyperintelligent monkey boy with super strength high on caffeine worried her a bit. Finally she sat down with her smoking mug.

"Right," she said "so, as it happens, yesterday I checked a bit of past data, and it seems someone else is looking for the Dragon Balls, with a radar like mine."

A moment of silence.

"Okay, and?" asked Goku.

"That's it. You don't see a problem with it?"

Goku thought for a bit.

"Well, no," he answered in the end "Two groups will be faster in finding all of them than one. And even if they don't want to give theirs to you, you can give ours to them, on condition that they return them to us if they don't work. After all the main thing you want is to see if they work, right?"

"True, my own wish is... more of a side bonus," admitted Bulma, "but don't you see the problem with letting someone else use the Dragon Balls? What if they wish to conquer the world? What if they wish to become invincible, and then conquer the world?"

"True, that would be a bad thing. But how would they know that you don't want to do that instead?"

"Because if I wanted to, I would do it anyway without magical aid. Look, I just don't trust these people! Who knows what passes through the head of some rich egomaniac who's willing to dump vast amounts of their money and time in a wild goose chase after seven legendary magical artifacts?"

Goku stared at her in silence.

"What?" blurted out Bulma.

"Honestly, I think you may be overreacting." he said. "I can not discard the possibility that you are right, of course. But if you are planning to do something that's not ethical..."

"Yeah, I know. I'm not a thief." said the girl, with a gesture of dismissal. "But I also think that you're being way too optimistic. Let's put it this way - we will try to investigate these people's motives. Possibly to meet them. And if they turn out to be after world domination, or something like that, then...?"

"Then I can agree to help you take their Dragon Balls out of their hands," agreed Goku, "on one condition."

"What condition?"

"You tell me what you would wish for. I still don't know and I would not want it to be something even worse."

"Seriously! Who do you take me for?"

Bulma was actually rather offended at this point, but the kid did not look too fazed.

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to suggest anything too bad. I trust you not to be wishing for anything outright evil. But I also can not be sure that I would agree with your wish, or that it would not have disastrous unintended consequences. If I am to compare it to someone else's..."

"Fine. I'll tell you." sighed Bulma. "Promise not to laugh."

Deep breath.

"I am going to ask for a boyfriend."

There was a long pause of silence, as Bulma tried to look just about anywhere else than at Goku, and he stood a bit perplexed.

"A boy friend? I mean, I thought I was..." he started.

"Not that!" the other interrupted him. "Yes, I mean, you are a boy, and you are sort of a friend at this point. But that's not what that word means. A boyfriend is more like someone you are together for... you know..."

"Oh! Mating?" suggested Goku, in a flash of insight.

"Well, not right away, thank you very much!" snapped back Bulma.

"But if you ask the dragon for a person, won't he just create one? Is that okay with you?"

"I thought about that, you know. I'm going to be very specific. He only has to make me meet someone who already exists, not create them."

"Fair enough. Well, that sounds pretty innocuous, I guess. Though if you ask me, I would say with such a great power at your disposal, you would have a moral obligation to use it for something more worthwhile..."

"Yes, well, we don't even know for sure if it's a great power at all. So perhaps better not to raise our hopes up, or find out some horrible side effects after we asked it to destroy hunger and illness forever, yes?" Bulma was annoyed and her cheeks slightly flushed. "Now that you made me tell you my intentions, and have dismissed them as innocuous, we can focus back on the main issue. How do we find out what these people want?"

Goku shrugged.

"We ask?"

"Ah-ha, very funny. It's not like they will suddenly come to our doors and just tell us where and when to meet them."

"Attention! Inhabitants of this base!"

The recorded voice came from outside. It was loud but the audio was crackling. Goku and Bulma exchanged a quick look, then ran outside, to find a drone with a big speaker hanging from its bottom floating just in front of their temporary house.

"This is an emissary of King Pilaf the Great, First of His Name, Master of the One Star Dragon Ball, speaking to you. We are aware that you are in possession of a great deal of the remaining Dragon Balls. The King summons you at his castle for a dinner tonight, so that you can share in his vision, and offer in due tribute the Dragon Balls already in your possession, to help it come to fruition. You are to make every effort to be present. Failure to attend would greatly displease His Majesty, King Pilaf."

And having delivered its speech, the drone speedily hovered away.

"Well," Bulma blinked a couple of times, still stunned "that happened, I guess."

"We are going, right?" asked Goku.

"Sure. Let me just finish the work I was doing before you got up, and then we'll be ready to go..."

The castle was a massive construction with a square central body, a dome above it, and cylindrical towers all around. For such a huge building, it also felt eerily quiet. No signs of bustling activity, guards, servants, or any such things. It looked rather incongruous, slapped in the middle of an empty land, with no roads leading to it, no city around it, and basically looking empty. It was almost as if it had been materialised from a capsule the way their house was every night, thought Bulma, except no capsule could carry something this big. The house was already skirting the mass limit, something of this size was out of the question.

She and Goku walked up to the front door. Bulma carried only her usual side bag she used for her capsules and other necessities; the boy, on the other hand, had a large sack thrown across his shoulder. The door was a wooden portal so huge no single person could have pushed it open (or at least, no one who wasn't as ludicrously strong as Goku). Two heavy door knockers hung from it. She wondered how they could possibly be heard in such a huge, empty building but still tried using one. Though she tried to look casual while doing it, even the brass loop was hard to lift, and she had to make some serios effort. When it hit, it rung with a resounding metallic note - and an electric buzz. Apparently knocking also closed a circuit, so this was just a very fancy and dramatic doorbell.

The door opened on its own, turned around by invisible engines, probably embedded in its own bulk. Bulma had to take note of the ingenuity that went into designing this place, but couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of who would even get an architect to build something this ridiculously cheesy. The picture didn't improve as they walked inside, in a dark corridor lit only by seemingly wooden torches (that on closer inspection were in fact made of some other fire resistant material, while the flame was fed by gaseous fuel that exuded from its porous surface), and covered in tiles that she immediately recognised as triggers, slightly disjointed from the rest of the floor. They were probably deactivated since the inhabitants were expecting guests, but she could hardly suppress the temptation to push one on purpose, just to see if a rolling boulder or some equally silly trap would pop out from somewhere.

"I said rich egomaniac, remember?" she whispered to Goku "If you still want to hold onto the hope that these are sane people with honest intentions, I'm taking bets."

Goku frowned and said nothing. Obviously, he was torn between his belief that you shouldn't let first impressions deceive you, and the distinct feeling that sometimes however certain first impressions are all that it takes. You can only do so much to make your house look totally like an evil lair before that actually says something about you. Bulma chuckled and tried to keep in mind every turn and twist in the corridors, and build a mental map of the place. She was pretty sure they were still in the main core of the building, but vast areas of it seemed unused, and there were no doors, so either those were accessible from other paths, or the castle was just big for the sake of looking imposing.

Finally, they reached a door, marking the end of the corridor. Here they met the first people they'd seen yet - a woman and a dog, standing in front of the entrance, as guards, on either side.

"Shu," said the woman, "inform His Majesty that our guests have arrived."

"Going now!" the dog keyed in a passcode quickly, then pushed the door open, just enough to slip inside, without letting Bulma catch a glimpse of the room.

The woman turned around to address the other two. "I apologise for the wait. His Majesty will receive you in a moment. I am Mai, Head of the Royal Guard."

"Don't worry, I understand." said Bulma, unfazed. "I am Bulma, and this here is Goku."

Mai eyed the kid and greeted both with a small bow, but Bulma couldn't help notice that her eyes wandered for an instant to the sack that Goku was carrying, through which a number of bumpy spherical shapes could be spotted. Soon after, the door opened, and after exchanging a few words with Mai, Shu announced the guests. They all walked inside. The front of the room was dark, and in the back they could see a lighted table, with a throne at its head. On the throne, Bulma saw someone sitting, and beckoning to them with a gesture. A small, impish, blue-skinned creature in ridiculous circus-like clothes.

King Pilaf.

"Welcome, our honoured guests!" he waved his hands in a grand welcoming gesture. "We are pleased to have you tonight at our table. Sit, and let us dine and discuss of your allegiances."

"Goku," whispered Bulma, kneeling next to him while pretending to adjust his clothes so that he appeared a bit more presentable, "I think it's better if you let me do the talking here. This guy seems hung up on etiquette and we don't want you to mess our relationship up from the get go."

"What's etiquette?" asked Goku.

"Exactly. Keep your mouth shut and let me handle this."

"Sit, then! Mai, please serve the wine. Shu, bring something to whet our appetite. Then you can join us at the table."

The two acknowledged the orders with a quick bow and vanished in the dark. Bulma considered sitting at the end of the table opposite to Pilaf's throne, but then, seeing its ridiculous length, opted for practicality over presentation and picked a place on the side as close to their host as possible. Goku sat in front of her, dutifully silent, as it was ordered of him. He obviously did not know many of the items in front of him. Bulma had barely managed to teach him how to use anything else than chopsticks. Here there was a vast assortment of cutlery for various purposes, as well as multiple glasses. One moment later, Mai came back with a bottle of wine, and poured some to Pilaf, herself and Shu. She dutifully skipped Goku, who definitely looked too young to drink, but hesitated a bit in front of Bulma, no doubt wondering about her age.

"Just a bit, thanks," she said, smiling with the confidence of a girl who's totally not just sixteen years old.

Mai obliged, and then sat down next to Goku. A quick taste revealed that the lie wasn't really worth it. Obviously all the budget here had gone in building the castle.

"So," King Pilaf was sipping his wine, his eyes half closed in delight, "we have heard your names, but we would like you to hear your own introduction. Who comes today before our presence?"

"We will be glad to oblige." Bulma put her glass down. "This boy is called Son Goku. And I am Bulma Briefs, of the Briefs family, from West City."

Pilaf frowned. "Is that a name we've heard?"

"Most likely, your Majesty." she smiled. "My family owns Capsule Corporation, the largest industrial complex in the world."

"OH MY GOD! YOU ARE THE DAUGHTER OF DR. BRIEFS?" Shu dropped some of the dishes he was bringing to the table, his eyes sparkling with excitement. This earned him a stern look from Pilaf. He mumbled some excuses, bowed down as low as he could, pulled out a rag and started cleaning up.

"Yes, that is quite impressive." Pilaf kept fiddling with his glass, flaunting a somewhat bored expression. "That person right there, who's badly mopping the floor and will now go get us more food after the one he wasted is Shu. He's our chief engineer, in charge of running all the machinery of this castle and keeping our gear in shape."

"Oh, a colleague then." Bulma's approving smile almost gave Shu a heart attack.

"That right there instead is Mai, whom you've already met. She's my head of security. She has a lot of first hand military and combat experience, both with and without weapons, dozens of deployments, and five years as an officer in the Re..."

Mai loudly cleared her throat. Pilaf sort of awkwardly ended the sentence there, and continued as if nothing happened.

"And we are King Pilaf, last scion of the Rice dynasty. As you may see, our circumstances at the moment prevent us from appearing before you in the full majesty of our position, but that is soon to be... subject to change."

"With the help of the Dragon Balls, of course." said Bulma.

"Of course."

She winked so that only Goku would see her, but he didn't even flinch. Being proven right was no fun with this boy, decided Bulma. She needed to do something about that if they were to spend more time together.

"Rice dinasty," Bulma took on a thoughtful expression, "I seem to remember it dates back to something like 300 years ago."

"Yes!" Pilaf jumped up from his chair, pointing a finger at Bulma "Finally, someone who appreciates the beauty and value of historical knowledge. You are right, we were unjustly dethroned three centuries ago. Since then, the current ruling Corgi dynasty has erased any trace of our glorious past."

Bulma tapped a finger on the table. "But if I don't remember wrong, there were some shadows hanging over that episode. This was at the time of the Demon King War, when the legendary Piccolo launched his invasion of the world. Frankly I thought that story to be more myth than reality, but nowadays I have to re-evaluate a lot my previous beliefs. It was him who killed the last Rice king. When he was defeated, however, the reign was not restored to the crown prince, due to the... questionable loyalty to the people displayed by his father. They said, and I'm quoting by memory, that the king bowed before Piccolo; that he offered the throne and all of the treasury in exchange for his own life; and that he even suggested he could offer him in sacrifice the poor innocent orphans of the Royal Children's Home."

Hearing these words, Pilaf became increasingly red in the face (which, mixing with his natural skin colour, really made him purple); until Mai slammed a hand on the table, staring at Bulma with ice cold eyes. "Those are merely lies and slander, spread by the enemies of the King to legitimate the usurper they put in his place."

"You tell her, Mai." Pilaf sat down, still agitated "Our independent historical research has shown all those stories to be fabrications. For example, the orphans were actually pretty awful people."

"Naturally." said Bulma, smiling. "I did not mean to suggest anything else."

After the previous mishap, the first dishes were finally served. Shu sat down eagerly after putting everything on the table, and managed to find himself next to Bulma. He looked to his side more than he did at his food, shifting around restless on his seat, but a quick sour glance from Pilaf put an end to that.

Everyone started eating, except for Goku. Bulma looked across the table to see him firmly resolved in keeping to his instructions not to open his mouth to the letter. When their eyes crossed, he nodded towards the food asking for permission, and Bulma gave it with a gesture and a chuckle. He finally started digging in - good thing too, because she had noticed Pilaf looking slightly displeased at seeing the food served at his court be so scorned.

The conversation started meandering, as both Pilaf and Bulma skirted around the obvious elephant in the room - or rather, the huge sack that Goku kept next to him, the one that blatantly contained five spherical objects of shape and size matching the Dragon Balls. There was some exchange of pleasantries, and Shu got his chance to discuss a bit of his work with Bulma, right before being ordered to shut up about what apparently was supposed to be top secret research. Mai was not very talkative, and Goku obediently did not say a word throughout the dinner, and merely systematically munched through the dishes that were served. His variety of expressions during the process was an endless source of amusement for Bulma - as he shifted from diffidence, and even disdain, towards something that looked new or unhealthy, to complete amazement and delight at discovering flavours he had never tasted before; and, to be fair, that was probably the only circumstance in which anyone would have had such an enthusiastic reaction to Shu's cooking. To have your engineer be also your chef said a lot on King Pilaf's personnel shortages. In fact, hard as it was to believe, Bulma was growing more and more convinced that the entire enterprise was ran merely by these three people, which was beyond ridiculous for a conspiracy aiming at a coup against the throne. Well, with the Dragon Balls, less so, unfortunately. All the more reason to do everything in her power to stop these loons from actually getting them. And of course, to do everything to get their Dragon Ball in turn - all in the best interest of the world, naturally. Hopefully, once they got a chance to talk it out, Goku would agree with this.

"Time for the dessert!" Pilaf clapped to draw attention to himself "Which will hopefully make what we need to talk about all the sweeter."

Shu trotted back into the kitchen and emerged with a tray carrying several crystal cups with some kind of fruit parfait, and a bucket full of coconuts. Apparently, the dessert was supposed to be completed when the coconuts were opened, and their fresh milk poured into the cups. With an attempt at showmanship, Shu drew a katana and tried to use it to slice one of the coconuts open. He only succeeded partially, but the crack in the shell was enough to pour the milk out. Bulma had the impression that he hadn't gotten the chance to train this whole exercise very much beforehand.

"Let's talk, then." said the girl, looking back at Pilaf. "If I understand this correctly, Your Majesty plans to gather the Dragon Balls, and ask the dragon to make you king in place of the current one, King Furry. Is that correct?"

Pilaf smiled. "Great minds think alike."

"Well, I am sorry if this disappoints you, but I do not think it is a great plan. First, I have been dedicating a great deal of thought to the matter of how to correctly express and frame a wish. Can Your Majesty say the same? Have you considered the possibility that the dragon literally only teleports you to the throne room with a crown on your head, without planting into anyone the idea that you ought to be king? It would just be a very quick road to the gallows."

The prospective king's smile vanished. Obviously, this thought had not passed through his mind.

"Then there's the issue of whether this enterprise can succeed at all. You still only have one Dragon Ball."

"That will not be a problem." Mai raised from her chair and walked up to Goku, who lifted his head to look at her, not especially threatened. She grabbed the sack lying next to his chair. "If you pay us the tribute you owe." she said, and she emptied the sack on the table.

Five tennis balls fell and bounced loudly amidst the cutlery and glasses, knocking a couple of them down. Goku avoided a spray of wine deftly by raising a small dessert plate as a shield.

Mai and Pilaf's eyes were now fixated on the balls, who were idly rolling across the white tablecloth. Shu was still focused on cracking those damn coconuts.

"Did you know?" said Bulma. "You can keep Dragon Balls inside simple storage capsules. They still emit their signal, though. Something about the way their magic couples to the electromagnetic field."

"Then give us that capsule." Mai's eyes were ice cold "Lord Pilaf has authorised me to collect your tribute with any means necessary."

"Wait, we didn't..." stuttered Pilaf, who was getting closer to a pale turquois colour as the situation escalated.

"Refusal to cooperate shall be considered high treason. And the punishment for high treason is death."

And saying so, Mai raised her sidearm and pointed it to Bulma's head.

"Now, let's stay calm." she said, almost managing to hide a slight crack in her voice. "You must understand that my family has... some interests involved in this matter. We do not make weapons, but we are the main contractor for the Royal Defense Force when it comes to gear and vehicles. The current regime is one that goes to our advantage. You wouldn't imagine that I didn't inform them of my presence here, right?"

Mai thought for a second, uncertain. "That would be incredibly reckless of you." she agreed.

Bulma smiled innocently. "Right? And if news of this little adventure of yours reached the ears of King Furry somehow through them, well, you know how these things go. The punishment for high treason is death."

Mai's eyes were now burning with fury. "Are you trying to threaten us?"

Pilaf's suffocated whimper said that she was very much succeeding, too.

"I am merely saying that you would be better off having us as friends than as enemies. So let's put the guns away, shall we? Goku," and she turned to the boy, who was following the scene tense but without hinting at intervening yet, "please help Shu, will you?"

Goku nodded and got up from his chair. Mai was disoriented for a moment, fearing an attack, but then saw he was not coming towards her. The kid reached Shu, whose katana was now stuck across a shell that it failed to slice in a single hit, and who was painfully trying to extract it.

Without saying a word, Goku grabbed one of the coconuts that were still whole, held it with one hand, and retracted the other. There was a hiss and a cracking sound, like pistol fire, and the next moment he pulled back his finger, leaving a round hole, perfect like a bullet's, in the coconut shell. He handed it to Shu, who took it with shaking hands and used the hole to pour the milk out.

Mai did not let much emotion show, but she slowly lowered her gun and put it back inside the holster. Pilaf was pretty much hugging his throne.

"That's better." Bulma relaxed a bit herself. "You should not take my words badly, Your Majesty. We can very much come to an agreement. But I have a duty to ensure our family still keeps an equally, or more, prominent position in your new regime before I cede you the Dragon Balls. And we need to study the exact formulation of your wish, for me to be sure of my investment. These matters are perhaps too tedious and long to discuss at the end of what has doubtlessly being a tiring day for us all, so what would you say that we just spend the night here and we go over it extensively tomorrow?"

Mai went to Pilaf and whispered something in his ear. There was an animated exchange, and probably a disagreement. Bulma didn't hear well as they were both talking in a very low voice, but the body language was clear enough. Pilaf especially was waving around his hands, with open palms, in a gesture of exasperation.

Finally, Mai sat down, and looked rather unhappy. Whatever the argument, she had not won it.

"We would be delighted." said Pilaf, adjusting himself on the throne and using his napkin to dry his sweat. "This seems to us like real progress towards a fruitful and hopefully long cooperation."

"Your Majesty takes the words right out of my mouth." said Bulma, with a smile.

"Shu, arrange for our guests to stay in one of the rooms in the east tower." Pilaf accompanied his orders with small pointing gestures. "Mai, take care of any necessary precautions. And guide them to their rooms once all is ready, open the doors for them. You understand," he turned to Bulma, "we can't just give you the passcodes to our security system."

"Yes, obviously."

A few minutes later, Shu came back to inform them that all was arranged, and the painfully prepared dessert had finally been tasted by everyone. Ironically, Bulma felt it would have perhaps tasted better without the coconut milk. Mai, blatantly not very pleased, walked to the door, ready to accompany the guests out.

"Well, this is the end of a most productive evening." Bulma got up and walked to Pilaf's throne "Your Majesty, I know this may seem a breach of etiquette, but I feel like it would be bad luck not to seal our new business agreement the way we do back in West City."

And she extended her right hand towards him.

"Oh, a handshake." Pilaf nodded. "Well, it is a somewhat plebeian habit, but given the circumstances, we will allow it."

He extended his arm, while still sitting on the throne, and they shook hands firmly.

With this, the evening was officially over. The tension dissipated as everyone was smiling, except Goku who kept his usual neutral expression. Bulma and her companion were escorted out by Mai. In silence, they passed a couple of password-guarded doors, and rose the stairs of a tower. On the third floor, they stopped and Mai opened to them a door and showed them around a nicely furnished bedroom, with two beds, a desk, a fridge, and an ensuite bathroom. There was a window showing the starred sky, and the only sign that this was the lair of a villainous organization rather than a luxury hotel were the iron bars crossing it vertically. Finally, they exchanged extremely forced courtesies and she gave them a key card for their room, plus showed where they could call for help if they needed to be let out of the residence wing. Mai closed the door behind her.

Bulma brought a finger to her lips, signalling Goku not to speak yet. She looked a bit around the room, the extracted a capsule from her bag, popped it up to reveal a small case and pulled a gadget out of it. She arranged the gizmo on a table and turned it on. Goku felt a sort of inaudible pressure in his ears the instant she flicked the switch.

Bulma sighed. She dragged herself to one of the beds and let herself fall on it. The calm she had flaunted all evening suddenly melted away from her face. Her eyes widened and her eyelids twitched. She gripped the bedsheets, burying her fingers inside them.

"THAT CRAZY BITCH WAS ABOUT TO SHOOT ME!" she screamed.

As you can see, I've changed a bit the personality of the Pilaf gang compared to the original - I wanted for them to make more challenging antagonists, and also acknowledge that considering all the gear they have, and the fact that they did manage to find at least one Dragon Ball, they can't be TOO incompetent. They still are not the brightest bulbs in the bunch, though.

To answer one criticism I've gotten through the reviews - I do not intend for Goku's rants to come off as especially meaningful more often than not. I'm not a philosopher, and I don't want to do philosophy with this story. So yeah, they're less me trying to say something smart or meaningful, and more just an answer to the question "what would be a sufficiently ridiculous way of completely derailing the discussion here?". Still, humour is very subjective and so I'm not too surprised if that still ends up being very hit-and-miss.