BAD news everyone. Jeremy Vine is back on the warpath.

Last month, the keen cyclist and part-time radio disc jockey told the world he’d been cycling down the middle of the road in London when the car driver behind lost her temper.

7 Creeper . . . Vine's back, and he means business Credit: BBC

He even uploaded some footage taken on his idiotic, and dangerous helmet-mounted camera, to show just what a selfish, anti-social nuisance he’d been.

You’d have thought he’d have learned his lesson and stuck to playing records by the Doobie Brothers. But no.

He’s back with a bit of not-at-all terrifying footage of someone pulling out of a side turning.

I’ll admit that the someone in question is driving a Peugeot, which means that they don’t have the first clue how to drive.

And that it’s very possible that by now they have indeed caused a ­terrible crash.

But in the footage Vine has uploaded, the man (or woman) does absolutely nothing wrong at all.

They simply pull out of a side road when Vine, on his silly ­children’s toy, was miles away.

He really does need to get off his high horse because, let’s be quite clear on something: The. Roads. Are. For. Cars.

We car drivers are prepared to ­accommodate bicycles but only if they behave like guests and show some damn manners.

7 Preposterous . . . telly star Jeremy on his preposterous contraption Credit: Splash News

An occasional “thank you” would be nice.

Or maybe the occasional “after you”.

But no. All we get is a gallon of spittle-laced fury whenever we dare to get in their way. And why?

In London’s Hyde Park, there has always been a lovely cycle path all the way from Kensington to Mayfair.

And now they are narrowing the road so that a third of it can be turned into another cycle lane that runs parallel, and just feet away, from the one that’s existed for years.

All we get is a gallon of spittle-laced fury whenever we dare to get in their way

That’s extraordinary generosity on the part of the motorist.

So bear that in mind Vine, when they give you a microphone on Monday lunchtime, and the light goes green to say your show has begun.

Apologise for your irrational moments of madness.

And say that you are extremely grateful for the motorists’ kindness.

If you don’t, we will know that you are simply a bitter and twisted class warrior.

And that you have no place on an impartial organisation such as the BBC.

THERE’S now a 20mph speed limit in the Piccadilly underpass in London.

And, er, why? It’s a dual carriageway so there’s nothing coming in the opposite direction. There are no pedestrians. Or cyclists. So 20 is just absurd.

It’s just stupidity from the lunatics we elect into office.

Kristin’s reply Scott me drooling

AS I may have mentioned about two million times before, I am completely in love with Kristin Scott Thomas.

Things are so bad that I am unable to speak properly if I think she is in the same postcode.

7 Socially stunned . . . Kristin's response on Instragram left Jeremy lost for words Credit: Rex Features

Then, on Wednesday, just as I was about to record the next instalment of our Grand Tour show, I noticed that she’d replied to one of my Instagram posts.

When you watch that show on television, and you notice that I spend the entire time in a corner of the studio, drooling, you’ll know why.

BIKERS, we are told, are 38 times more likely to die than any other road users.

So, if your child comes home and tells you they’ve become a rent boy or a heavy user of heroin, be grateful that at least they don’t have a Honda CBR650F.

Bottom’s up for my Levi’s

EVERY couple of years, I go to the Levi’s shop and buy six pairs of identical jeans, which I wear, every day from then on, in rotation.

And what’s incredible is that down the line, they always, always disintegrate on the same day.

7 Hardy . . . Levi's jeans are Jeremy's favourites Credit: Refer to caption

This week, I pulled on a pair, went to the shops, put my hand in my back pocket to get some cash and found my ar*e was hanging out.

With a bright red face, I scuttled home, pulled on another pair and I’m not kidding, the exact same thing happened again.

“I know what you mean,” said James May when I told him the story. “I bought ten pairs of pants from Marks and Spencer and . . . ”

I’m afraid I didn’t listen to the rest of his story.

SO, the man arrested by German police on suspicion of being a terrorist has been found dead in his cell. He committed ­suicide apparently.

Yeah, right.

RELATED STORIES 'TIPPING POINT' Scotland records biggest EVER rise in corona cases as 486 people get bug BLAZE TERROR Man, 46, killed and mum hurt as cops probe string of firebomb arson attacks Live Blog BIG CHILL Arctic FREEZE brings torrential rain as Met Office warns of temperature plunge MAKE ENDS MEET How many households can meet now in the UK and who can mix? BEER PRESSURE New 10pm pub curfew rules: Can I meet friends and what are the opening hours? PREGNANT PRISONER Teen who torched innocent family's home will give birth behind bars UNHAPPY HOUR Wales to ban supermarkets from selling booze after 10pm when pubs shut DEATH RIDDLE Mystery over death of Brit diplomat found in woods 4 months after he vanished KIDNAP GANG Fears of child snatch gang after men 'in silver car' try to grab girls 6 times POISON PLAN Station worker jailed after spiking supervisor's coffee with cleaning fluid





Bawling at moths

IT was a perfect summer, we’re told, for moths.

You can say that again.

My flat in London is completely infested with the damn things.

7 Flaming mad . . . clothes moths are the bane of many a closet Credit: Alamy

They dance about in front of my vulgarsonic projector making the viewing of any film impossible, they’ve eaten two cardigans and all my socks, and now they’ve started to breed, which means every wall and ceiling is a seething mass of maggots.

It’s like living in a horror movie and they are completely immune to any form of insect spray.

I score a direct hit with a sustained burst of fire for a minute and I swear I can hear the damned things laughing.



We ‘mite pay price as OAPs

UNILEVER was savaged this week because it threatened to charge shoppers more for a jar of Marmite due to the plummeting value of the Pound.

We were told, in enormous headlines, that this huge multi-national made profits of £2 billion last year and that it’s ridiculous it should make a little old lady pay 10p more for her jar of beef extract.

Or whatever Marmite is.

7 Back from the spread . . . we should have put up with higher prices so we don't end up in penury in our old age Credit: Getty Images

Well now I’m sorry, but if Unilever had needed to increase the price of stuff it sells to stay profitable then we would just have to have lived with it.

Because if Unilever stops making money, its shareholders suffer.

And because its shareholders are mostly giant pension funds, we suffer when we retire.

So, you could have either paid a bit more for your Marmite now.

Or died, alone and hungry, aged 67.

Your choice.

Anorexic frogs are no reason to halt progress

SO let’s see if I’ve got this straight.

If you apply nowadays to build an extension on your house, or a factory, or a power station, a bunch of armpit hair enthusiasts will sneak on to the site at night and litter it with a selection of rare newts.

When they are discovered the next morning, the council will say that no building work will be permitted until the newts have been moved, on cushions filled with the softest eiderdown, to a new home.

7 Ridiculous creatures . . . newts can get stuffed

Well now I’m sorry but can we be clear on one thing.

Newts are basically anorexic frogs and are not important.

That’s why they are endangered and rare.

Because they don’t eat properly.

And they don’t eat properly because they are vain and want to look supermodel good on Frog Instagram.

Sod ’em is what I say.