When he says he has an open mind on something, this is how the process works: He listens carefully to whatever words are coming out of his own mouth, and then he knows what’s true! Until his mouth opens next time. Then he has an open mind to his new words.

He believes in the Constitution. He once remarked that he would uphold Article XII , which tells us a lot. Because there is no Article XII in our Constitution. But there is one in Trump’s. How does Trump know it’s there? Because he was paying close attention when his mouth was open and he said there was. He has an open mind.

What does Article XII say? That’s the beautiful part. Article XII is a beautiful article. The best. And you know why it’s the best. Because it says whatever Trump believes it says.

Article XII says that Mexico will pay for his wall.

Article XII says that there were 323.9 million people at his inauguration. This is the most ever. It is especially impressive because there are only 318.9 million people in the United States, but the other 5 million were the illegal immigrants who voted for Hillary Clinton but showed up anyway, because they were hoping to curry favor with the REAL winner of the popular vote. But it won’t do them any good. Trump is still going to catapult them over his wall back to Mexico, and they should not expect Trump’s replacement for Obamacare to pay for any injuries.

Article XII says that the climate may be warming, but it is not caused by human beings. It is caused by non-human enemies. The ones who work in the federal government. Trump will solve this with cap and trade. He has put a cap on what they are allowed to say , and the cap is set at zero. And he is willing to trade the whole lot of them for a handful of magic beans. A very small handful, because … you know.

Article XII says that the magic beans will grow into a beanstalk that will grow at 6 percent a year, up to the cloud where the goose that lays the golden eggs is living. That goose belongs to us. We used to have it until the cage-free activists let it get away. And when we get it back, the eggs will go to his supporters. No, not his voters. His supporters who fill his administration. The already rich, who will get the eggs without any burdensome taxation.

Article XII says that when the burdensome taxation is gone, America will be great again, coal will be clean like it used to be, women and minorities will be happy to be back in their proper places, and the world will start behaving again and stop robbing us blind, and attend Trump’s next inauguration, where there will be upward of 8 billion people in attendance.