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Subject and Expectation:

Installment #5 of his story growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness opens with The Small Town Humanist continuing with the events that led to his unjustified and shocking removal from the organization. Part Four (found here) gave us a point of view perspective into the Kingdom Hall for an unexpected judicial meeting with the Elders of his congregation. As we read, we were seated in his chair with the three men placed in front of us as self-proclaimed judges, executing God’s wishes for him. The story continues.

My Comments to My Judges…the Elders

Finally I was able to speak. I had to control the rage that was inside of me upon learning that my wife had done this to me, that they had believed her, and that I actually was sitting here possibly facing excommunication. “I don’t understand what is going on here,” I exclaimed in the tone of a question. “Is this a judicial meeting, to decide whether or not I should be…(I could barely get the word out)…disfellowshipped?” The answer was a resounding “yes.” I was already beginning to tear up as I asked the initial question, but their answer opened the floodgates in my eyes and I just lost it. There was no mercy to be seen in any of their eyes.

Then I said it. The statement that would kick the storm into a full-blown hurricane.

“Well first of all, it’s been my understanding for my whole life that someone deserved to be disfellowshipped from the congregation as a result of committing a serious sin and displaying a blatant lack of repentance for the sin. This is not at all the case with me! I chose to confess to you something that happened a couple years ago and sought spiritual guidance from you. What she told you is completely distorted and a lie. The incident that I explained to you in detail was the last and only interaction I have ever had with that girl. It happened exactly as I told you. I made her leave and asked her to please leave me alone from then on, which she has done.”

I continued speaking, trying to have a relative control over my sobbing through all of it. After all, I had unexpectedly found myself defending my right to not have my God, my faith, my friends, and my entire family stripped from me on this evening. I was not warned that this was going to be the case on this quiet Monday evening, nor was I anywhere near being emotionally prepared to defend all of that.

They surprisingly allowed me to continue. “Secondly, I’m finding it very hard to understand why you are collectively viewing me as a threat to the congregation? This happened over two years ago and was an isolated incident. Since then, I have continued to serve faithfully in the congregation as a devoted Ministerial Servant having nothing but good intentions. I have continued to study the Bible with interested ones, leading the young ones in getting them out in field service, giving invigorating talks from the platform, praying over the congregation, reading The Watchtower on Sunday mornings, and helping other servants with their responsibilities. All of this has always been driven by my genuine care for the congregation, my brothers and sisters, and God’s organization. If I was an unclean threat to the congregation, wouldn’t it make sense that it would’ve manifested itself by now?

I come from a family that has a common personality trait. We do not back down very easily and we are simply fighters. Passion is in our genetic makeup. I simply didn’t know how else to respond to any of this but to fight. However, I was striving to still maintain respect for them as I spoke and with my mannerisms.

And that’s when I saw the beginnings of what would come to be an unprecedented experience in the congregation that I grew up in since 1973….someone fighting the Elders to keep from losing everything. I could see it ever so clearly in their eyes. They wore on all of their faces a look of awe at what I had just done. I disagreed with them and expressed adamantly that I was not going to allow them to disfellowship me this evening.

The Elders Reaction to the Fight in Me

I stopped talking and waited for their response, holding strong eye contact with all of them. I must have had the deepest sorrow, mixed with a fight, emanating from my eyes. They took what seemed like forever to answer. I could tell that I stunned them. They were not prepared to answer my pleas.

I want to clarify once more for any current witness that may be reading this. I was the epitome of obedience at all times to the Elders up to this point. This was not in my nature at all, to question anything or to exhibit even the slightest amount of disrespect. I was a very good Jehovah’s Witness that never questioned or challenged anything until this Monday evening. However, when you find yourself forced into a corner facing the loss of everything in your life that matters, it is our naturally evolved tendency to do whatever it takes to protect and survive.

There was a lingering silence and then Ray spoke. He stammered around the same way that he always did on the stage. I could tell that I made him nervous and I was sorry for this. I felt bad. “Well Jason…I think that…I think that it’s obvious that you’re upset. As the Presiding Overseer, umm…I don’t feel that this conversation should be continued tonight. Let’s take a break for tonight, let us talk about things over the next couple days and we’ll reach out to you. Does that sound ok?”

“Yes, that sounds fine” I said with an uncontrollable breakdown in my voice.

Not much else was said and they excused me. I exited the back door of the Kingdom Hall into the parking lot and headed to my car. As I drove through the parking lot I glanced at the building that had been my absolute sanctuary for my whole life. The place I felt safe. My place of worship to my God and where my “family” of “brothers and sisters” all met to strengthen each other. The place that I felt had truly educated me and prepared me to deal with Satan’s wicked world that I wanted no part of. How in the world did I end up here, driving past it with the fear that it was all going to be unfairly and harshly stripped from me? Was I going to be thrown into Satan’s evil world that would devour me in no time flat because I not only knew nothing about it but also had not even the first clue how to survive in it? I had been under an umbrella of Watchtower protection from it since birth.

All of these thoughts forced me to come to one conclusion. There was no way I was going to allow this to happen. I simply didn’t deserve to be disfellowshipped and I would somehow find a way to make them see this and everything would be fine.

The Second Meeting With the Elders

I received a call from Fred on Thursday with a request that I stay after the meeting that evening to meet with them again after everyone had left. I agreed to stay to meet with them but this did not make me happy. The reason is that when a group of people are as close knit as Jehovah’s Witnesses, almost nothing is a secret. I had been an audience to it a few times before in my life, watching as the Elders sat someone down at the front of the hall following a meeting, to have what everyone knew was a counseling session because they had done something wrong. I never agreed with this…making a spectacle of someone in front of everyone…but I refrained from ever expressing that to anyone. You are not allowed to question anything, but to believe that every function of the organization is directed by God’s spirit.

I knew this would be the case that night. It was quickly becoming common knowledge that I had moved out of the house. I knew it was going to be blatantly obvious to everyone that it was related and that I had obviously done something worthy of counseling. I have no use for Catholicism but at least they conduct their counseling behind a curtain in a concealed box.

As hard as I tried to keep our second meeting from beginning until after everyone had gone home for the evening, I was unsuccessful. They set the three chairs facing the solitary chair at the front of the hall and called me up to take my seat. Many eyes and imaginations observed. This became an unspoken command to the remaining people in the building to kindly leave. The building cleared out immediately.

Fred was in charge this time, more than likely because Ray had stammered around from nervousness after my statement at the first meeting. Fred held an element of frustration in his voice as he spoke. “After careful consideration, we have collectively decided that it would be best at this time to move forward with disfellowshipping you…unless you are able to convince us that you are truly repentant for what you did?” He looked at me as if it was my turn to speak. I immediately started to cry. I was shocked that I was yet again crying because I have never been able to cry easily. I pleaded my case of extreme sorrow for my action and how it hurt my wife and Jehovah God. Fred then expressed with a stern tone in his voice, “I’m sorry Jason, but that’s simply not enough. We need proof of your repentance.”

“In what form?” I asked. Fred added, “we need to witness you out in the preaching work, continuing to deliver talks from the platform, studying the bible with interested ones. These actions will prove to us that you are truly repentant for your sin.”

My response was quick and clear. I reiterated the extreme situation that my life was currently in at the moment, which did not leave much time to be devoted to these things. I clarified again that I needed some time to take care of my very ill grandmother and to concentrate on my marriage. My wife and I also needed to concentrate deeply on the condition that our marriage was in. I considered these to be very reasonable things that even a ”worldly” person would have compassion and understanding for. Surely these men that had God’s spirit who were supposed to exemplify love for the congregation members would easily understand.

This was unacceptable and they gave me zero sympathy. No mercy. I was expected to put everything aside in order to prove to them with my actions that I was truly repentant for what I had done.

My Opened Eyes Closed Quickly by Cognitive Dissonance

Their adamant refusal to accept any words or emotions that I was expressing caused something to happen in me. My body was there…unconsciously taking in their continuing expressions of refusal for anything I was saying, but my mind started to wander for just a split second.

And there it was.

For the very first time in my life I felt my opinion of these men as “leaders chosen by God” shift just slightly. This was more than foreign to me to even think about questioning them. This was wrong and deserving of being destroyed by God. This is what I was programmed and taught to believe through indoctrination as a child and into adulthood. If you question even one aspect of “God’s only true organization on the planet”, ESPECIALLY the Elders, then you are worthy of destruction by God’s direction at the coming spiritual war of Armageddon.

That momentary lapse in my thinking was quickly extinguished through the state of cognitive dissonance that my consciousness was “protected” by. This wonderful state of mental discomfort is brought to you by the most perfect system of mind control and undue influence brilliantly executed by The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. More to come on this subject of Cognitive Dissonance in the future!

The Appeal Process for Disfellowshipping

I made my statement to them that I simply wasn’t currently in a place where I could produce the evidence of my repentance by actions that they were expecting. While one would think that at this point a religion that claims to be based on love and having God’s spirit would then express mercy and extend some sort of option to work together through this, especially since I had unwaveringly expressed how sorry I was that I allowed myself to slip up back then. There was no mercy in their next statement…

“Considering your answers that you’ve given, we’ve decided that it will be necessary to disfellowship you.”

“That’s it then? I have no other options” I asked quickly and a bit harshly.

They then informed me of something that I was completely unaware of. Unbeknownst to me, apparently a person that is due to be disfellowshipped has the option to appeal the decision if they feel it is unwarranted.

Wait a minute! Something did not add up here in my head.

When a person is disfellowshipped from the Jehovah’s Witness organization they are stripped of everything in their life. This has been the cause of thousands of people taking their own life because of having extreme solitude forced on them as a result of the shunning that they receive from everyone in their life as demanded by the Body of Elders. So needless to say, this decision should not be taken lightly at all and should be a last resort if all other options are exhausted.

I kept going with it in my mind. Now…if the Elders were directed by God’s spirit and this was the one true religion and this was a decision made by God and His organization, then why the need to have an option to appeal their decision…ultimately His decision? Wouldn’t that inevitably be committing the tremendous sin defined in the bible of challenging God?

Even though I couldn’t wrap my mind around how in the world I had gone my entire life without knowing of this option or believe at all that it was going to do any good, I of course decided to appeal their decision.

With an appeal that argues against The Elders decision comes an intense amount of stress. The next step after you formally file your appeal is for the original Body of Elders that made the final decision to invite another group of three or four Elders from a neighboring congregation to come in for another meeting. The scenario at this appeal meeting is no different than the original meetings. The exception is that this time you’re not only seated in front of the group of men that have already decided that you are unclean and in need of being removed from the congregation, but also the new group of visiting Elders.

I soon found myself seated again into my chair of judgment. The difference this time was that I was facing seven men instead of just three. I’m at a loss to find the words to fully describe the feeling of being faced with this. All seven were glaring at me with pure judgment in their eyes. I was instructed to start over from scratch and tell my story of my sin (in extreme detail again for these creepy men that just had to know everything) and then present my case to them as to how repentant I was for what I had done.

As hard as all of this was the first time, it was even harder this second time. The level of stress and anxiety I was reaching on a daily basis was getting out of hand.

I spoke my case….the new group of Elders spoke theirs…the decision was made. They concurred with the original decision that I was worthy of disfellowshipping.

I appealed again. A second group of new Elders from yet another congregation were scheduled to come in and repeat it all over again. The outcome was no different.

To Be Made an Example of

Congregations within the organization are divided into Circuits and Districts. Circuits are groups of congregations that reside in cities that are geographically close together.

As I entered my early teen years in the late 1980s it became obvious to me that Witnesses didn’t seem to get together with their friends anywhere near as much as “worldly” people did. The loneliness of growing up as a young Jehovah’s Witness child really bothered me. I set out to change this and I did. I spent many years traveling around to each of the neighboring congregations getting to know everyone. I did this so that I could bring the younger ones together and give us all an outlet for good association and also working together in the preaching work. This caused me to become well known in the circuit.

There were two distinct aspects within our circuit that made my situation with the Elders inimitable. One was that I was fighting it…that I had appealed their decision. This was not at all normal and was a first in our particular circuit. The second aspect that made my situation unique was that word had spread fast all over our circuit of what was going on with me. This made things much more complicated.

It became common knowledge across the circuit that my wife and I had split and that now all this was happening. The Elders became aware of this and informed me at the next meeting. Still not sure how they knew this but I was more shocked that they felt the need to inform me of this.

The storm continued. I appealed again for the fourth time. Each time they would call in a new group of Elders for me to go through everything from scratch. It all began to wear on me and I started to wonder how much more I could take. I also couldn’t believe that they allowed it for this long, but then I started to really think about it. Would they ever stop, now that everyone knew what was happening and watching? What would be the outcome if they finally caved and changed their ruling? I had my opinions on this but I won’t put them down in writing.

A Plea of Compassion From a Loving Relative

After each appeals meeting I would visit my parents to give them an update. They were the only ones that would talk to me during all of it. Not even my siblings or my closest friends would talk to me. I wasn’t even removed from the religion yet and they had already decided to shun me…in my darkest time. I began to be disturbed by the power I was witnessing that the Elders and the religion had over people. Absolute control.

Mom and Dad were so disappointed in how the Elders were handling everything and they became very worried about me because of how I was acting. Looking back I think they were very worried that something drastic might happen. I can’t say enough good things about how much my parents stuck by me through the storm, regardless of the repercussions on them. They believed my story and were furious at what the Elders were putting me through unjustifiably.

In some ways I am very much my father’s son. My dad always exuded the attitude of never giving up and emphasized the need to fight hard for things that mattered; he gave that trait to me. I really do feel that he believed more than anyone that there was no way I was going to give up. That I simply wouldn’t stop. That they were going to have to end up finally disfellowshipping me to end it all.

A couple hours after I had left my parent’s house and headed back to Grandma’s, my phone rang. It was my Uncle…my mother’s brother who was an Elder in another congregation in another district. This man was, and continues to be, one of the most genuinely kind and caring people I’ve ever met in my life. After I had left mom’s that night informing them of the latest meeting, she called my Uncle to inform him. He was calling me with a very sincere request.

“Jason, I need you to listen to me right now. I need you to stop fighting. You know I am much more informed than you are as to what they are expected to do in their positions. I’m here to tell you that they will never give up until they make an example of you. It’s to the point now where there are far too many people that know what’s going on and there are too many people involved for them not to win. This makes it impossible for there to be any other outcome than you being disfellowshipped. You’ve challenged them and you have embarrassed them. Not only is their pride hurt but they also have the backing of many other groups of Elders that have been involved.”

“I want you to know that I love you and that your mom and dad and I are so very proud of you. You’ve fought so hard for your faith…for your God…for your life really. Jehovah has seen all of it. Please never forget that. We believe you and we’re so shocked at what they’re doing to you. But I’m begging you to stop before you end up in the hospital…(there was a long and haunting pause)…or worse. The amount of stress this has all caused you and your parents just isn’t worth it anymore. Just let them disfellowship you, and continue going to meetings to prove that they were wrong and get reinstated so you can move on with your life.”

To my wonderful Uncle: I doubt you’ll ever read this Unc. But if you do, just know that what you said and did that night will remain with me until I die as one of the most loving things anyone has ever done for me. I don’t like to think about this often, but when I do, I sometimes wonder if you possibly saved my life by talking to me that night.

The Hammer of Judgment Strikes

I took his advice and I did it. I informed the Elders that I wished to meet the next evening.

Earlier I spoke of the moment that I experienced my first ever episode of questioning the Elders and it being quickly extinguished by something psychologists refer to as cognitive dissonance. As we sat in our seats simultaneously, they opened the meeting with prayer. I didn’t hear one word of the prayer as he spoke. I was experiencing my second episode of questioning things I was taught not to question; my thoughts were on one thing only. A question.

Was God really being asked to guide this meeting with his spirit? Were all of us so blinded to the simple reality of what was being asked of God in prayer…to guide this interaction between a few humans with the main goal of ripping my life from me? Then it dawned on me. All of the other meetings prior to this one that felt like nothing less than a witch-hunt directed towards me were also opened and closed with prayer! Every word and every action of the attack on me was understood to be sanctioned by the one and only creator of the entire universe…the supposed “God of Love” that I had worshipped for my entire life!

After the prayer they had begun to speak but at this point none of their words mattered at all. I waited for a break and I informed them that I was giving up. There were a few more pointless remarks from them. But again, none of it mattered and doesn’t even merit documenting here. As the next words quickly came from their lips and they finally executed their judgment on me to be disfellowshipped, I lowered my head in defeat and disbelief. I felt like my heart literally stopped and I couldn’t breathe.

How could things have gotten to this point? I thought I was a good person? Is this really what I deserved? I immediately felt the most intense feeling of loss and rejection I had ever felt at that point in my life. I was done. I was at the brink of emotional and psychological exhaustion from the countless appeals meetings and from all of the failed attempts to express to all of them how apologetic I was and how deeply I did not wish to have my God taken away.

I walked again in slow motion towards the back door to exit the Kingdom Hall. My life was over. With that one simple sentence that was to be made at the following Thursday evening meeting to the entire congregation…

“(My name) has been disfellowshipped from the (city) congregation”

I lost my whole world.

Coming soon… Part Six: What Happens When You Lose Everything and Everyone?

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