Successories for Her

Life isn’t a sprint it’s a marathon and wouldn’t that just be your luck.

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A person who never made a mistake is someone I’m not interested in talking to at this party.

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Stop wishing, and start doing whatever it takes to deal with your wishing problem.

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Follow your obligations.

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The only thing to fear is, wow, where to even begin?

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No act of kindness, however small, is ever something your husband still won’t bitch about having to do.

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Walk softly and carry some Advil and a heating pad.

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Well-behaved women seldom make history because looks like someone didn’t invite them to the history-book-writing meeting, Dan.

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A friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find and impossible to share a shoe collection with.

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Live, Laugh, Love people who don’t have manifestos on their walls.

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The cure for anything is saltwater — sweat, tears, the sea, or I guess if that’s all you have, taffy.

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Go confidently in the direction of your couch.

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Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% which department of the patriarchy I’ll be assigning the blame.

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Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value to your parents who also don’t think you’re a success.

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A woman needs a man like a fish needs someone to get this hook out of my mouth, yes right now.

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United we stand, divided would honestly be more comfortable on this airport shuttle.

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It is better to have loved and lost because now you have your own bed again.

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Eighty percent of success is showing up with pizza.

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Whether you think you can or think you can’t, the truth is you’re not The Little Engine so please stop making choo-choo sounds in this restaurant.

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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one Google Maps told me to and now I have no service, great.

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Life is what happens to you while you’re busy canceling other plans.

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Be the change you want to see in front of this three-way mirror.

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Behind every successful man is a woman pretending to be a gorilla

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A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor but does look quite nice on Instagram. #SmoothSea

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You miss the shots you don’t take and this is a great time to remind you tequila has historically not been your friend.

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Happiness is a choice would be a great closing argument at your murder trial.

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You’re never too old to wish upon a star but honestly that’s about it.

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Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to not wear your suede boots when you knew damn well there was rain in the forecast.

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Love me, love my infrequent and subpar shaving.

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Success is 99% perspiration and 1% seeing a specialist about that whole excessive perspiration thing.

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The journey of a thousand miles can’t be any worse than this date.

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Money can’t buy happiness but is the most direct route to ice cream.

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Sing like no one is listening

Love like you’ve never been hurt

Dance like nobody’s watching

Poop like the co-worker in the next stall can’t easily identify you by your shoes

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Believe you can and you’re halfway to disappointment.