After a day or two of mourning, the Black Caps and their country New Zealand have returned to normal life, putting away the anguish and heartache of being gypped out of 2019 Cricket World Cup by dodgy rules and dodgier interpretation of rules. Imagine if India had been the victim of this terrible outcome? I had this nightmare …

Members of Parliament staged a walkout from both Houses today demanding a Joint Parliamentary Committee (JPC) inquiry into India being cheated out of the World Cup by rules framed by British-dominated ICC. Some members wanted New Delhi to cut off diplomatic ties with Britain on account of the English caper that led to India’s losing Cup finals despite a tie, while others demanded that along with the Cup, the British monarchy should be asked to return the Kohinoor and reparations for 200 years of British rule.

On TV, frothing anchors, echoing the demand “nation wants to know”, denounced England’s hollow win and asked the government to take up the issue at the International Court of Justice, United Nations, and other forums. Foreign minister S Jaishankar said the government was looking into the matter and the British ambassador had been called to South Block and given a demarche. India is also pressing four other P5 members to raise the matter before the UN Security Council. Defence minister Rajnath Singh said the BCCI had been placed on full alert and India would give a befitting reply (“mooh tod jawab”) to “angrezi harkatey” (English mischief).

Meanwhile, VHP and RSS said Nehru and Pakistan were solely responsible for the loss. They also demanded that Indian players henceforth give up English willow and play with bats made from babul and sal tree, which according to research from the Patanjali Institute, caused fewer edges. Patanjali Institute said it was working with DRDO to reinvent the ball since the current ball was made with four pieces of cow leather. On the ground, riots spread in cricket maidans across the nation from Bengal to Gujarat and Kashmir to Kanyakumari, with fans burning effigies of Stokes, Woakes, Foakes, etc. Emotional fans jumped into the bonfire in Tamil Nadu. Fans in Mumbai and Bengaluru said they would boycott cricket and take up baseball from now on, since in any case India has closer ties with the US than with the UK and the US gave out more visas.