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Just when you thought the sentient celery stalk who cosplays as a concerned-as-fuck-looking, mediocre, diet white nationalist on Fox News couldn’t get any whiter ...

You should know that there’s no limit to how low Caucasian shenanigans can go. Fox News’ proprietary brand of whiteness is like absolute zero and episodes of Real Housewives—the bottom is only theoretical.

On Tuesday night, the Great Value Eddie Haskell (you’re too young ... Google it) did a segment on a recent National Geographic article about how white people felt “left behind” by America’s changing demographics. The article tries to explain white America’s anxiety about losing its “culture” (which—as far as I can tell—is wholly made up of hacky sack, the most boring versions of church hymns and craft beer) by focusing on the coal town of Hazelton, Pa.


Tucker sums up the piece by explaining how Hazelton was 2.5 percent Hispanic in 2000 but that now the population is majority Hispanic.


“That’s a lot of change,” Carlson explained. “It’s happening all over the country. No nation, no society has ever changed this much, this fast,” said Carlson, conveniently forgetting about the colonization of South America, the rape of Africa and this little-known place called the United fucking States of America.

But this dumb motherTucker continued:

Before you call anyone bigoted, consider—and be honest—how would you feel if that happened in your neighborhood? It doesn’t matter how nice the immigrants are. They probably are nice. Most immigrants are nice! That’s not the point. The point is: This is more change than human beings are designed to digest. This pace of change makes societies volatile. Really volatile, just as ours has become volatile. And notice where this change is not happening: Any place our leaders live. They caused all of this with their reckless immigration policies, yet their own neighborhoods are basically unchanged. They look like it’s 1960! No demographic change at all!


Here we should point out that Hispanic immigrants have not pushed out Hazelton’s white population. There are just as many, or more, white people in Hazelton as there have always been. There are just more Hispanics now. Hazelton just grew. Hazelton’s white residents are free to have as many white friends as they have always had. For them, absolutely nothing has changed except that they are now outnumbered. There’s a name for people who want to hold on to that kind of society:

White supremacists.

Carlson’s entire argument is based on the fact that he doesn’t want to live around brown people. More pointedly, he doesn’t want to be a minority. But if—as Tucker often claims—he’s not a bigot and racism is overblown, why would he have any problem being a minority? After all, he’d still be white.


But now that I think about it, I’m with Tucker Carlson. He’s identified the centuries-old problem and cured racism. It all makes sense now:

White people have a design flaw.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that, as he rails against “our leaders,” Tucker Carlson lives in a home reportedly worth about $3.85 million in Washington, D.C.’s Kent suburb. A few weeks ago he told the American Conservative: “My neighborhood is great,” adding, “Our neighborhood looks exactly like it did in 1955.”


If he went any lower, he’d be the devil.

Sidenote: This article in no way means to imply that Tucker Carlson is not the devil.