OAKLAND, CA—Having worked separately at various stages throughout the 27-year-old’s life, local man Anthony Ryder’s depression and financial struggles reportedly teamed up Monday to produce a truly grotesque culinary abomination. According to sources, after Ryder’s lethargy and lack of motivation sapped his energy to walk to the nearby grocery store and his dwindling checking account balance dismissed the option of ordering delivery, the two forces banded together to construct a hideous monstrosity of stale crackers, soy sauce, his final slice of lunch meat, and a random assortment of other ingredients culled from his refrigerator and cabinets. Working in unison, the man’s increasing personal debt and lowered serotonin levels then reportedly pressured Ryder to top the freakish amalgamation with one of his roommate’s Kraft singles and place the unholy mess in the microwave. At press time, the man’s all-consuming feelings of emptiness and his profound lack of self-worth had taken over completely, preventing Ryder from putting the repulsive concoction back in the microwave after it was found to still be cold and instead compelling him to eat the whole thing right then and there while leaning over the sink.

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