It’s a well-known fact that Nick Nolte has a Russian roulette lifetime record of

Daniel von Bargen — who played Mr. Kruger in “Seinfeld” — is clinging to life in an Ohio hospital after shooting himself in the head Monday morning in a failed suicide attempt … and TMZ has the horrifying 911 tape in which he calls for help.

Daniel tells the 911 operator, “I’ve shot myself in the head … and I need help.”

The operator asks if it was an accident — Daniel replies, “I was supposed to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to.” Daniel says he’s diabetic, explaining, “They were supposed to amputate at least a few toes.”

The operator asks where the gunshot wound is — Daniel replies, “I shot in my temple.” [TMZ]

Wow. Shooting yourself in the temple with a .38, now that’s how you do it, goth teen who took six Xanax. And I’m guessing if he was broken up about losing a few toes, having a giant hole in his head isn’t going to cheer him up much. Jeez, this is depressing. Let’s look on the bright side. Maybe he wasn’t trying to commit suicide at all. Maybe he was… Bargen hunting. (*tap dances off stage, shoots self in head*)

[911 call is after the jump]

They really shouldn’t be allowed to release these phone calls. They seem kind of… personal. Anyway, anyone who can shoot themselves in the head and live to tell about it is a real man in my book. Get better, dude. There are only so many Charlie Bronson motherf*ckers like you to go around, and they are a precious commodity. A precious, unstoppable, bullet-proof commodity.

[banner pic via IMFDB]