These feelings won’t go away

They’ve been knockin’ me sideways …

– Sideways, Citizen Cope

Feeling … wishing… wanting…. waiting… watching… thinking …loving…caring… sharing… hoping … consuming… overpowering.. affection.. bursting of energy… slumbering … dreaming… wasting… crying… comforting… neglecting…inspiring…negating… dying… rising.. rotting… forgotten.

Always .. always I feel… I feel so much .. feel all the things .. feel nothing … I feel too much … I feel not enough … I can’t stop feeling … I want to feel…I need to feel .. feel … feel okay.. I don’t feel okay…

stop … rinse .. repeat..

I care .. I care so much .. I care too much … I don’t care enough … I don’t want to care I cannot not care ….

stop … rinse .. repeat..

I love … I love too much … I don’t love enough … I want to love … I need to love .. I’m scared of loving … I don’t know how to stop … I don’t know how not to stop…

stop … rinse … repeat..

It hurts … it hurts too much .. it hurts to feel .. to love .. to care .. to wish… to want… I don’t want to be hurting… everything hurts .. all the time .. it hurts and aches and bleeds .. my heart bleeds … my head feels dizzy … I can’t breathe .. I struggle for air … air .. i need air …. breath … life … life ? this life ? like this … Stop … I want to stop .. stop breathing .. stop caring .. stop wanting … stop feeling.

For I feel .. I feel so much and I feel not enough … numb … I feel numb … so numb … to feel anything … something … nothing ?

I think …I think I’m going crazy … thinking … thinking too much … thoughts spiralling out of control … hurting my head … driving me insane .. stop .. I want to stop … stop .. breathe .. can’t breathe …. hurts.. ache … life … love … misery… pain…death.

Stop … rinse … repeat…