@Tomi Lahren via Instagram

When conservatives get their high-waisted, lace-trimmed, ribbon-adorned, flowery white panties in a bunch about athletes protesting the racially motivated, unequal dispensation of justice, equality and bullets in America, their main argument always devolves into a diatribe about certain black people’s lack of respect for the flag. To white America, the flag is a quasi-religious symbol that should always be revered in the manner for which it was intended.




Except, of course, when it comes to what they do regarding it.

On Sunday, Tomi Lahren, Fox News commentator and poster child for how the Caucasian standard of beauty transcends mediocre whiteness, shared her red-white-and-blue concoction of a Halloween costume with her Instagram followers.


The outfit was either a reimagining of Apollo Creed’s Rocky wardrobe or a mangled U.S. flag stolen from the wet dreams of Donald Trump supporters. It was also disrespectful as fuck to Betsy Ross, the troops and the white men who get sentimentally and sexually semierect at the sight of the star-spangled banner.

Make no mistake about it—according to the narrative of the people whose eyes spontaneously transform into white-tears-sprinkling systems when they hear that Colin Kaepernick had the audacity to kneel during the unfurling of the dear old American flag—the respect-the-flag controversy is rooted in the U.S. flag code, which states:

During the ceremony of hoisting or lowering the flag or when the flag is passing in a parade or in review, all persons present in uniform should render the military salute. Members of the Armed Forces and veterans who are present but not in uniform may render the military salute. All other persons present should face the flag and stand at attention with their right hand over the heart, or if applicable, remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart.


This is the only basis for the claim that kneeling during the anthem and simultaneous flag display is offensive, and according to these standards, they are correct. Kneeling during the flag is a violation of the standards set by the flag code.

However, in the section titled, “Respect for the Flag,” the code states: “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery.” It later adds that “no part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform.”


I know you’re thinking that Tomi Lahren’s costume, when held to the same standards as protesting NFL players, is disrespectful by any definition. After all, if we arbitrarily applied rules to black athletes but excused vapid white windbags, wouldn’t that be the definition of inequality and prejudice?

No, you are wrong. You are conveniently forgetting the one supreme caveat that makes your argument automatically moot:

Tomi Lahren is a white woman.

Locks of platinum and breasts render irrelevant the rules that apply to the untittied nonblond masses. Unlike the masses, they get to do whatever they want. Whiteness is a trump card that exempts them from the same scrutiny.


They can point out the death toll in Chicago during the weekend but remain silent about the parade of mass shooters who make the Windy City’s “top gang thugs” look like amateurs. They talk about welfare while blithely ignoring the fact that white people make up 40 percent of food stamp recipients. They don’t mention that white women are the biggest beneficiaries of quotas when they rail against affirmative action.


So if you think Tomi Lahren should apologize for her disrespect for the flag, you are sorely mistaken. She gets to do it. White people get to do it. Her costume was simply a fun way of expressing her love for her fellow Trump-supporting white people Americans, while the black players’ demonstrations were a way of expressing their love for their fellow shot-in-the-face, disenfranchised, oppressed Americans.

See the difference?

We can only hope that one day that star-spangled banner will represent equality for black people in the same way that it waves o’er the unaccomplished, alternative-fact mouth farts of the fired-on-her-day-off, shit-for-brains Barbie we call Tomi Lahren.


... “and the hoooome of the braaave.”