MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pornography that is both for women and made of words.

E L James’s novel 50 Shades of Grey, which has smashed paperback sales records, is simultaneously more extreme than men’s own sexual fantasies and requires the user to hold it with both hands.

Network engineer Tom Booker said: I heard the wife going on to her sister about 50 Shades, but thought it couldnt possibly be pornography because there werent any pictures.

However I’ve just found her logged onto an internet chatroom as spank_me_kindly, asking for a master who will take her to the Red Room of Pain, so something’s clearly up.”

The book, which chronicles the romance between businessman Christian Grey and college graduate Anastasia Steele, has further confused men by having a respectable cover.

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “It doesn’t have the word ‘Slutz’ on it in neon lettering or any females covered in soap suds. That’s a level of subtlety I find intimidating.”

However copywriter Julian Cook said: Im a sophisticated man. Ive known books can be sexy ever since I frotted myself raw to chapter five of James Herberts The Rats aged 13.

But apparently my life partner, who was furious when I bought her crotchless panties for Valentines Day, now thinks its really hot to read about virgins signing contracts to be sex slaves.

Ive suggested we do some of that submissive-dominant stuff but shes told me to piss off. Ill never understand women.

Francesca Johnson, Mr Cooks girlfriend, explained: Sexual subjugation is hugely arousing when practised with a devastatingly handsome multi-millionaire who buys you iPads and Audis, less so with someone who picks his toenails during CSI: Miami.”