Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Related:

Red Dead's glitchiness, there's a decent chance his wife's vagina got put on that chicken when the game was making them. After some experimenting, I found that anything you did with a rope and a woman was almost always OK. If you want to hogtie all the females in the center of town and pour bear bait on them, you'll probably unlock an achievement to the indifference of the townspeople. I tried tying a nun to my horse and dragging her past the sheriff to see if he'd do anything other than politely greet me. Not only did it seem OK, it actually seemed to cheer him up. Keep in mind thatRed Dead doesn't take place in some lawless land. They come after you for everything in this game. I've had the sheriff open fire on me after a pedestrian wandered into my horse. The U.S. Marshals started hunting me for driving one simple wagon of dynamite into a friendly conversation. So the fact that traffic accidents carry the death penalty yet you can legally blow holes in prostitutes means that some woman-hating programmer took a lot of time to make sure it worked that way.Most of this game is amazing. You'll have shootouts with everyone from hill people to the Mexican army and if you're more than 10 feet from town, there is always a cougar behind you. However, if you take a mission from a woman, you can forget about all that fun. When you talk to a guy, he wants you to get on a gatling gun and kill buffalo rapists. When you talk to a girl, she wants you to play a rhythm action game to feed her pigs. A woman's idea of a mission is a scenic wagon ride or driving her fussy cattle out to pasture, and she will be nagging at you the whole goddamn time. John Wayne lied to us when he made driving cattle look cool. Cows are dumber as living animals than they are as Whoppers, andRed Dead is faithful to that. While you're trying to keep the herd aimed towards their food, each cow is programmed to randomly lose interest and wander off. Unfortunately, it's not possible to wander out of the lady's nagging range. Driving video game cattle is so annoying that vegetarian gamers will buy a burger just to throw it away. Late in the game, your giant-assed, former prostitute wife gives you a mission that's nothing more than driving her to another woman's house while she jealously harps in your ear. Jesus, Red Dead Redemption, I haven't seen anything hate women in so many directions since yeast.Whatever fashionista designed the underwear in the Old West knew as much about style as a drag queen's size 16 high heels and as much about comfort as his dick tape. Every prostitute wears a thick, dust-catching diaper that goes from her neck to her knees, making them all look like bags of potting soil with cold sores. I have no doubt frontier prostitutes were a mess in 1911, but this is a game where bears attack in squadron formations of 30 and the cure for a bullet wound is beef jerky. Is hooker hygiene really where you want to make your stand for historical accuracy? It is if you hate women.