when i was younger kids would make racist jokes and sometimes treat me weirdly because i was always too asian for the white kids while simultaneously being too white for the asian kids. i personally identify more with my asian side just because that’s the way i was brought up, but people like to try and erase my identity sometimes and it can be irritating! going back to my point, i feel conflicted about my race because i never feel like i belong to either group. my white family loves trump and clearly gets awkward around me because they know they’re supporting an extremely racist figure who doesn’t necessarily support people like me or my mom. but they don’t care. my asian family is more welcoming, but it can be hard because i don’t look like them and i don’t fully speak the language. they make fun of me for being too white, or act surprised when i have a traditional korean dinner with them because “white people dont eat this food”.

when i read the news or online articles or even various tumblr posts, i wonder if i am considered a poc or not. people of color are defined as those who are not white, but i AM partially white. however, i am also partially asian. when the harvard admissions “scandal” broke out, people would ask me how i felt about it. i struggled to respond honestly, because white students make up about half of harvard’s student body, and i am genetically part of that group. however, asians were seen to have been discriminated against, and are continuously discriminated against because of affirmative action. this is where the line between my two identities gets blurred, because i’m not white or asian. i’m in the gray area in between. i feel horrible about affirmative action being used in college admissions processes today, but i am more privileged than asians. i have the “luxury” of being able to apply to colleges as white. or asian. or both. this is what causes a disconnect between me and the two separate racial groups i belong to. people tell me that being mixed race must be cool, but that is because they do not know the internal struggles that mixed race children can face.

korean society seems to largely romanticize half korean, half white children and exploit their “pretty western looks” to make “prettier” and “cuter” kpop idols like somi from ioi. being biracial isn’t always a party, and i’m sick of people thinking we look so cute or aegyo or whatever without thinking of us even as PEOPLE first. my mom always tells me that i was lucky to get a “white” nose with almond shaped eyes and high cheekbones, because i’ll always have luck finding a “handsome korean man”. maybe i don’t fucking want that, and maybe i don’t like the way asia fetishizes wasians. thanks for coming to my shitty ted talk