I saw Lucy this week – it’s the new film by Luc Besson. That’s the Luc Besson who directed such classics as Leon and The Fifth Element, as well as wrote cult action flicks like The Transporter and Taken. It’s fair to say I like the man – his films are great. So with Lucy, I thought I’d be in for a treat, seeing as the trailer promised something between Limitless (which I enjoyed) and The Matrix (which I enjoyed). Tee hee, silly me – what I got instead was the most brain-bending stack of nonsense I’ve encountered in a very long time.

NB: What I’m going to do here is spoil Lucy for you, but in doing so I am going to MAKE it for you. I’m going to outline the plot in its entirety – you NEED to know what happens in this film. I NEED to tell you what happens because it will make you want to see it. Do not pass it off as some standard action film, go and see it at the cinema knowing what it’s about and you’ll have the best time ever. It goes without saying that if you don’t want to know what happens in Lucy, then don’t bother reading on (you fucking SHOULD though).

Seriously, all of the following things happen in Lucy. It blew my mind.

Lucy begins with Scarlett Johansson (playing Lucy) and some stupid bloke in a cowboy hat – he wants her to deliver a suitcase to a mysterious Chinese man because I think he’s scared of him or something. He also mentions that our first female ancestor was called Lucy, and we see a model of her in a museum. This should come in handy later. Anyway, she is eventually ‘persuaded’ to deliver the case because he handcuffs it to her arm. So in she goes, he gets shot, she gets taken upstairs to a room full of dead bodies and told to open the suitcase. Inside are THE MAGIC DRUGS that will turn her into a WIZARD.

They then take her to surgery and put the MAGIC DRUGS inside her intestines – they also do the same to some other people. Then some bright-spark decides to kick Lucy in the stomach, thereby splitting the bag and releasing the MAGIC DRUGS into her system. Of course, as has been well-documented in real life, when drug mules accidentally ingest large amounts of drugs, they start to writhe around AND FLY UP TO THE CEILING. Lucy rolls up the wall and ends up on the fucking ceiling because she took the MAGIC DRUGS. At this point I began to lose faith in the film.

Meanwhile, we’ve got Professor Morgan Freeman talking about how we only use 10% of our brains (“I think we only use 10% of our hearts” – Owen Wilson), and how if we could reach 40%, then we become level 1 wizards or something – basically, we can do wicked magic tricks. Then someone says “Yes Morgan, but what the fuck happens if we get to 100%?” to which Professor Morgan replies “You’ll have to wait and see, because Lucy is blatantly going to get there. I can GUARANTEE that you will not be able to guess what happens though. It’s utter, utter bullshit.”

Ok, he doesn’t actually say that, he actually says “I don’t know.”

So then we’re back with Lucy, and obviously the MAGIC DRUGS have enabled her to do MAGIC SHAOLIN MARTIAL ARTS and be very good at shooting guns. So she uses her new skills to kill a load of people, INCLUDING AN INNOCENT CANCER PATIENT for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Clearly being really, really clever turns you into a cunt. Or at least a level 2 bitch wizard.

Now she’s in a hospital and she can hear EVERYTHING, so she rings her mum to tell her this. She also tells her that she can remember what her mum’s BREAST MILK tastes like. Nice one Lucy, if your mum didn’t know you were on drugs before, she does now. Anyway, she grabs a doctor and asks him to take her pouch of MAGIC DRUGS out of her guts, which he does. Turns out the drugs are made from pregnant babies or some shit. It’s all shit, I don’t care if I’m paraphrasing.

So then it’s back to find the evil Chinese gangster that put the MAGIC DRUGS in her in the first place. Off she goes, killing everyone before finally finding him and stabbing two knives into his hands. She then gives him a head massage in order to read his mind (she’s REALLY clever by now – something we’re constantly reminded of as the percentage her brain is at flashes across the screen). Now she knows where the other drug mules are! YAY!

She needs to go and find them, but not before stopping off at her mate’s house and touching her so that her skin goes see-through and you can see her skeleton. This is what being really intelligent does to you – it gives you magic E.T fingers that can turn people invisible. Then she has a go on the computer – don’t ask me what programme she’s running because it looks like absolute crap – it’s probably DOS or something. She uses this computer to read all of Professor Morgan Freeman’s research (because luckily it’s ALL online) and then she calls him and says she’s coming to meet him. Then she prints off a Chinese prescription (because she can read Chinese now, natch) and tells her friend that her kidneys and liver are shit. Then she’s all “Bye mate, I’ve got to go and meet my friend Mr. Dinosaur” (just a little foreboding there).

Uh oh! Lucy is on the news because she killed an INNOCENT CANCER PATIENT so electricty goes over her head and her MAGIC WIG changes colour and grows really long. She can control her metabolism, you see. Only on her hair though. For wig purposes. Next she calls a French (this is a Luc Besson film remember) police captain and tells him there are drugs mules with MAGIC DRUGS in their guts and that he should arrest them. Soon she’s on a plane and typing on two laptops on DOS again, or maybe Linux – I don’t really understand computers, all I know is I’ve never seen a fuck like the shit she’s using. Anyway, she makes the air hostess have a nosebleed WITH HER WIZARD BRAIN and then she starts to disintegrate. Things are hotting up now.

Oh yeah, did I mention she’s disintegrating upwards? Her fingers are falling apart and floating around the plane like sand in hurricane. So as you would do if you were turning into a human dandelion, she runs to the toilet and locks herself in. At this point she looks like the fucking Toxic Avenger and her sand skin is getting EVERYWHERE, so she opens her MAGIC DRUGS and eats them. Now she looks like Scarlett Johansson again, so she celebrates by turning into a giant sixth form disco light show. Meanwhile the other drugs mules are apprehended.

She wakes up in hospital with immaculate make-up and hair and goes to find the other mules who have had the drugs cut out of their guts and are now dead. Lucy doesn’t care about this, and instead makes everybody in the room faint. Then she goes to find one of the bad Chinese henchman who has the drugs – she turns him into a street mime and makes all the other bad guys float up to the ceiling (just like she did when she first took the MAGIC DRUGS!). So everybody is floating about and she tells the police captain to come with her, to which he sensibly replies “What help am I to a magic drugs wizard like you?” So OBVIOUSLY she kisses him (btw this plot strand will never be explored again, ever) and says “As a reminder.” A reminder of what, we are not privy to – perhaps it’s as a reminder of that time where she snogged a load of police for no reason. Who knows.

So they get in his car and she can see EVERYONE’S MOBILE PHONE DATA because EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SPEAKING ON THEIR MOBILE PHONE AT ALL TIMES. You’ve never seen so many people on their phones before. Anyway, she does one of those Minority Report-style swishy hand movements on some floating Nokia code and therefore has her next desired location. So off she drives THE WRONG WAY THROUGH TRAFFIC because that’s quicker and then reveals she’s never driven a car before, because of course she hasn’t.

They drive to meet professor Morgan Freeman because I assume someone was phoning him and so that’s how she knew where he was.

BTW GET READY BECAUSE THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GO BATSHIT.

She tells Professor Morgan Freeman that she needs to get all the MAGIC DRUGS in her system and he says “Are you sure?” and she says “Yes.” She also grabs a scientist and reminds him that his daughter is dead – she’s a real spiteful bitch, is Lucy. Meanwhile, the bad Chinese gangsters are back and they’re shooting things. They want the MAGIC DRUGS because presumably they also want to be able to sit on the ceiling. So Lucy sits down in a spinny office chair and they hook her up to a drip containing all of the MAGIC DRUGS and they pump it into her veins. I wonder what’s going to happen now? COULDN’T HAVE PREDICTED THIS, THAT’S FOR SURE.

So Lucy is up to 70% brain capacity by now, so OBVIOUSLY HER HANDS GO ALL BLACK AND TURN INTO GIANT BLOB WORMS AND ATTACH TO ALL THE COMPUTERS IN THE ROOM. The doctors are all like, “What the fuck is happenning?” and Professor Morgan Freeman is like, “She’s eating computers now for energy and knowledge.” She’s like a cross between Johnny 5 and Venom out of Spider-Man. Then, Lucy gets bored with the office so she turns everything into white and then MAKES A NEW COMPUTER OUT OF HER BLOB WORMS. She’s basically just a giant sticky toffee pudding with a face at this point. Meanwhile, one of the Chinese gangsters outside shoots a rocket launcher at the lab AND HERE’S WHERE WE JUST FUCK EVERYTHING.

The rocket blast causes Lucy to be flown around the world and end up in TIMES SQUARE IN NEW YORK. Here she sits in her spinny office chair and decides to stop time for a bit. Then surprise surprise, she realises that she can move time with a swish of her hand (she’s really, really, REALLY clever remember), so she goes back in time to colonial times and all that maralarky, before finally deciding she wants to go and see the dinosaurs. SO SHE MEETS A DINOSAUR (jeez), and then she goes and meets ‘Lucy’, her ancestor (not sure how she found her though, she doesn’t have a mobile phone). The old Lucy is like “OMG”, and the new Lucy is like “Touch my magic E.T finger.” Oh and in case you were wondering, yes she still is in her spinny office chair.

Anyway, old Lucy shouldn’t have touched new Lucy because this sends new Lucy INTO SPACE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. So she goes back to THE BIG BANG and the BIRTH OF THE FIRST CELLS (she is SO clever) and then…SHE REACHES 100%. What will happen? Well just as the big bad Chinese gangster is about to shoot her, she fills completely up with black and THEN DISAPPEARS, leaving her clothes behind. So he goes “What the fuck happened? She must be at least a level 10 sorcerer by now? What are you looking at?” and the police captain shoots him.

Then LUCY TURNS INTO A USB STICK and gives herself to Professor Morgan Freeman. If you get to 100% brain capacity, you get to turn into a USB stick – hope it’s compatible with Windows 8! So the French police captain asks where Lucy is so SHE TEXTS HIM (fucking hell) saying “I AM EVERYWHERE”. She’s obviously in the voice-over booth too because she then explains that this is what can be done with life if you take MAGIC DRUGS.

NO IT CANNOT. THIS CANNOT EVER HAPPEN.

All of that happens in Lucy. You don’t believe me do you? Then go and see it, you WILL NOT be disappointed. What a load of SHITE.

It’s out on 22nd August.