I’m a grown man. I pay rent, and I drive a car. I do my own taxes. Often, I eat vegetables. My life, however, is largely devoid of physical conflict. Mostly I feel grateful for that. Sometimes, though, I worry that the integrity of someone or something I love (the Boston Celtics, Creedence Clearwater Revival, my girlfriend) will be called into question, and I’ll have to step up and do some honor-defending. I’m afraid that when this happens, I’ll be unprepared for the rigors of fisticuffs (this point highlighted by my use of the phrase “the rigors of fisticuffs”). As I see it, there’s really only one way to prepare for this circumstance: Practice. So that begs the question… Who wants to fight me?

Let’s be clear. This is not an invitation to take part in a fight club. This is a one-off, no strings attached fight. Nothing more. This is not going to turn into anything serious. If you’re looking for someone to start a long-term blood feud or nemesis-nemesis relationship, I’m not your guy. I want someone to fight me one time, for practice, so I’ll know how to react if the time ever comes for me to have a real fight. Cool? Cool.

If you’re still interested in fighting me, I have a couple of parameters that I need you to meet. If even one of these guidelines is going to be a problem for you, don’t message me. It’s not going to work. Here’s what I’m looking for out of my practice fight:

1. No convicted violent criminals or trained fighters.

That’s just unfair. I’m looking for a practice fight, not a beat down. Ideally, you’d be someone without a lot of fighting experience. I’m not trying to get my teeth knocked in by a guy looking to flex his muay thai skills.

2. You can’t be someone I know.

It’d just be weird. This goes back to my desire for this to be NSA. I don’t want you coming into the fight with any baggage, and I don’t want to leave the fight with any new resentments. If you know me, and you’ve wanted to fight me for a while, I’m very flattered, but that’s not really what this is about. Sorry.

3. No women.

It’s 2012, and I understand that if a woman of equal height, weight, and strength wants to fight me, it’s sexist to stand in her way. Still, it seems wrong to have 100% of my lifetime fights take place against women. Is that unfair? Maybe. But this is my fight, so we’ll play by my rules.

4. No one above two hundred pounds.

I weigh between one hundred seventy and one hundred eighty pounds depending on what pies are in season. A twenty-pound weight advantage seems like more than I’m bargaining for. Again, I’m looking for practice fighting, not experience getting my face pummeled. Which segues neatly into my next rule…

5. No punching in the face.

What are we, lunatics? That’s a fast track to brain damage. Eyes and teeth are tough to replace. Plus, a shiner or a busted nose is tough to explain. So, no hitting in the face. Ditto for the groin, but that should go without saying. While we’re at it, let’s go with “No biting,” too. I don’t have a lot of hair to pull, but I’ll agree not to pull your hair. Actually, you know what, I take that back. In the heat of the moment I don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep.

6. I’d prefer to fight someone in New York City.

Just for the sake of convenience. I live in NY, and I don’t really have it in my schedule or budget to go halfway around the world for a decent tussle. I do travel a lot for work, but if I’m out of town, I’m busy and jet-lagged and not sleeping in my own bed, so I feel like I won’t be at the top of my game. There are eight million people in this city, so discounting women (already covered), children, and the elderly, there have got to be at least two million people eligible to fight me. I’d prefer you not to be from New York City. I grew up in the suburbs, so that would give you a pretty hefty advantage in terms of street smarts. Also, I won’t go to Staten Island. It’s a hike, and I’d have to take a ferry. Unless you are the Wu Tang Clan. It would be an honor to eff wit’ the Wu Tang Clan.

I don’t mean to be a jerk about this, but I just want my first fight to be perfect. So now that we’ve got all that business stuff out of the way, let’s mix it up. I’ve got health insurance, so we can really go to town. But, I mean, if you’re coming into this wanting to hurt someone, maybe this isn’t the fight for you. No offense. It’s just not what I’m about.

I don’t really feel comfortable giving my e-mail address or phone number to violent strangers over the internet, so if you’re interested in fighting me, find me on Facebook or Twitter.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Bring it on!