The domestic dog is descended from the wolf, a fierce and noble wild creature: capable of inspiring selflessness, yet fierce savagery as a pack. Wolves and dogs are playful, territorial, brutal and affectionate. Indeed, they share their best and worst qualities with human beings, which is why they make such perfect companions.

But unlike dogs, humans are rarely satisfied, so don’t accept dogs at face value. Through generations of selective breeding they have tweaked and distorted the magestic wolf into a strange mockery of its original form. Contrary to natural selection, dogs are instead selected for the least practical or utilitarian bodies possible, which human beings find adorable. “Oh look, this Pug’s face is scrunched up like it just got smacked by a bus,” people will say; “that’s soooooooo cute.” “Oh look, its eyes that don’t fit into their sockets constantly ooze crusty booger gunk, melts my heart.” Or, “See how my dog can hardly breathe and walks with a painful limp because its hips are deformed by inbred genetic diseases? A purebred! That’s precious!”

Case in point: the Shih Tzu. According to legend, Shih Tzus originated in ancient China, when emperor Geng Shi Di of the Han Dynasty, an avid Star Wars fan, became enraged when he could not fit his German Shepard into its Halloween Ewok costume. He ordered his veterinarians to surgically alter the dog, but they convinced him to allow for a few generations of breeding to arrive at the same result: the four-legged Ewok. The Shih Tzu was a perfect fit for the curious asthetics of the Imperial Court. Centuries later, it is a perfect fit for gay men and their tiny Manhattan apartments.

Gay people bonsai everything, for convenience. They bonzai computers, they bonzai fish tanks, they bonzai trees. They bonsai cell phones and cars. A Pekingeese is simply a bonzai dog.

The stereotype is that gay people have a proclivity for small dogs, because they find them cute. This is simply not true; gay people find all ugly dogs cute, from the bejowled Sharpei to the Giant Schnauzer. But tiny dogs poop much less, and can hold it much longer, which means they are ideal when your living space is 700 square feet and you only want to take it outside once a week. Stuff Gay People Like: Dogs That Never Poop.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

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