Discipline or lack of it

My eldest who is 6 has recently morphed into a moody teenager. My darling, sweet, cherubic little baby is now a temptestuous, tormented little demon. Everything I say is met with either sulking or screaming tantrums. He shouts. He throws himself to the floor. He slams his bedroom door in my face. He hits his brother and sister. He moans about EVERYTHING. Going to school, going home, going to get pizzas, going to parties, going to bed. EVERYTHING. He’s rude to adults. So outrageously rude to my friends. I find it hard to discipline him. Nothing works, it seems to make it worse.

Is it all my fault?

The behaviour stirs up a number of emotions in me:

Shame. That I’m raising such a terror of a child.

Guilt. Maybe it’s because he’s still missing Cape Town and struggling at school here.

Sadness. Why isn’t he happy? What have I done wrong?

Frustration. Please just do what I say. Once. And without a tantrum.

Embarrassment. Massive embarrassment when these situations happen in front of other adults.

As a parent, it’s unacceptable to let him get away with such rudeness. (Secretly, alone at home I sometimes just walk away. I figures that sometimes it’s better for my sanity to not have the resulting tantrum) but in public you need to be seen to act. Otherwise it’s just not responsible parenting.

My response is usually to ask him to apologize to whomever he has been rude to. Sometimes (rarely) he will and we can let it go with a huge sigh of relief. More often though it escalates into an epic tantrum. Looking around I see we all have ways of dealing with these situations but I have no idea which one is right. Only that my way isn’t working for me.

Calm, patient and wise

Some mums do the calm and patient thing. Wisely they choose not to go with the whole public meltdown scenario. Instead they wait until they get home and have a quiet chat one on one with their child. This way they can talk calmly and make the child understand why what they did was rude. The child feels loved and is shown the error of their ways in a secure environment. Much like this lady advocates here.

Who are these people? This would definitely be my first choice, except the kids referred to here don’t ever seem to be really naughty. When my kids have a tantrum it is off the scale. The hitting and rudeness can’t just be ignored and dealt with later. Have these parents ever been in a situation that demanded more than just a promise to ‘have a word’ and a cuddle. Also, patience and calmness isn’t really my thing… or my children’s their for that matter.

Please say sorry, please

Some mums go down my route. Asking for an apology. It was with great relief (yay, it’s not just me) that I witnessed a scene the other day, where the child was rude and the refused to apologize. The whole situation went on for some minutes, which was no bother at all to me but clearly excruciatingly painful for the mum. Many are times I’ve had to practically beg on hands and knees for my kid to say sorry. Which is totally demeaning and a completely pointless exercise in teaching our kids right or wrong.

Time out

My husband’s go to solution is time out. Tantrum. Time out. Wont apologize. Time out. This serves the purpose of looking like you are in control of parenting and issuing a punishment without having to do it in front of an audience. But my kids go fricking mental when you give them time out. Once my boy who was then 3 smashed a window and tried to climb out through shards of broken glass. Nice!! Time out never ever works with my littlest one. He will happily sit in time out for hours: 2 or 3 of them. Screaming and hitting and refusing to apologize. It’s a sure fire way to ruin an afternoon. And is so incredibly stressful I cant bring myself to do it. As soon as my husband utters ‘Time out’ my heart sinks as I know we are in it for the long run. Goodbye peace. Goodbye sanity.

Smacking

Finally there is smacking. I know a few people who smack their kids. Their kids are the most well behaved children I’ve ever met. And I’m talking at least 4 or 5 families with docile angelic little children.

I was smacked as I grew up and never feel like I suffered any hardship from it. I offer no judgment on anyone who does it I am sure most are good and decent people.

My husband and I decided before our kids were born that we wouldn’t go down that route. The issue I have with corporal punishment is where to draw the line. How hard is too hard and how do you measure it? If smacking is the norm, what about the time you really lose your rag and hit harder than you mean to? What if you’ve had a drink and your judgment becomes impaired? What age is it acceptable to smack? I mean you wouldn’t smack a baby, but would you smack a toddler. Is 2 or 3 too young? What age is too old? How are we to judge, there are no rules or guidelines

Smacking isn’t an option for me. I worry that I’m not measured enough to make the right call every time. My emotions fluctuate too wildly which means there are too many variables. Too many things that could go wrong. I carry enough guilt around with me without adding ‘accidentally hit my kid too hard’ to my list of wrongdoings.

So now what?

So where does that leave me with my sulky, grumpy and sometimes downright rude 6 year old? How will I manage when I’ve three teenagers in the house? I need a plan. I need a way to manage my children’s behavior that is acceptable to me and yet doesn’t make me feel like a total pushover as a mother.

Parenting is winging it, but don’t you sometimes wish there were a few rules. A few guidelines to help you along the way? I know that I do.