A reader writes:

I was contacted by a recruiter about a job opening in my field. I wasn’t actively looking to leave my current position, but the new role would be a step up in responsibility and one that wasn’t available at my current company.

I made it to the final round of interviews and was told a decision would be made soon. The next week, my dad passed away in front of me. It was traumatic and I was off work on bereavement leave for the next five days. During this time, the recruiter emailed and called me to say I had been offered the job. I wasn’t checking any email or voicemail for a few days and I know it’s my fault for not getting back to her immediately. I responded a few days later letting her know what happened and that because of the situation I wouldn’t be able to accept the job offer.

The recruiter asked if she could call and I said yes. During our conversation, she told me how much the company really wanted me and that this new position was something “my dad would have wanted for me” and asked me to think about it. I was so shocked she brought up my dad that I agreed to take some time to think. After a few hours, I emailed and said I just wasn’t in a position right now to accept the offer.

She emailed back saying it was highly unprofessional of me to not respond right away when she notified me of the offer initially and I shouldn’t have gotten her and the company’s hopes up that I would think about it only to turn it down a few hours later. She said the recruiting industry is small and word of my unprofessionalism would get around. I did not respond to this last email.

I was stunned and at first really thought I had done something wrong. About a month removed from this situation, however, I’m angry and disgusted that she used my dad’s death to try to get me to take a job and she did it so she could get commission. Is there anything I can or should do in this situation? Should I email the recruiting company and let them know my experience or would it make things worse? Was my behavior unprofessional and if so what could I have done differently?

Ick.

It’s “highly unprofessional” of you not to respond to someone when your parent just died? Nooo. That’s offensive, and an incredibly self-centered and jerky thing for that recruiter to say.

You shouldn’t have “gotten the company’s hopes up” since you ended up turning down the offer a few hours later? Nooo. Asking to think over an offer in no way obligates you to accept it, or to think it over for some specific period of time that the company considers sufficient. (And really, most companies would want to know your answer as soon as possible, not have you sit on it for a day or two for appearances’ sake.)

But as bad as those things are, they pale in comparison to her utterly inappropriate, manipulative, and baseless statement that your recently deceased father — who one presumes she didn’t know — would have wanted this job for you. That’s stomach-turning in its obvious, crass attempt to exploit your grief.

Your behavior was not unprofessional. Hers was unprofessional and worse.

That said, will reporting it to the recruiting company matter? Maybe, but probably not. Recruiting companies often put serious pressure on their recruiters to get candidates into jobs, and a lot of them don’t care a whole lot about what tactics their recruiters use to do that. But someone who might care more is the hiring manager who that recruiter was working for — and who almost certainly didn’t want her representing their company the way she did.

I’m sorry about your dad.