And other titles from the failed and failing New York Times best-seller list!

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting Fascism,” by Donald J. Trump, M.D., and Donald J. Trump, N.P.D.

This perennial best-selling guide attempts to calm the fears of parents who have no idea what to expect when their bundle of fasces arrives. There are so many questions to ask: Is your particular little bundle of fasces true fascism, or do you merely have a colicky autocrat with corporate-syndicalist tendencies on your hands? Does populism coupled with ultra-nationalism spell the death knell of a Western liberal-democratic parenting style, or are appeals to a romanticized past and murmurings of palingenetic reinvigoration just a backlash to attachment parenting? With all the non-stop all-night crying, will the neighbors complain, or will they be carted away under cover of darkness, never to be heard from again?

“Chicken Soup for the Orange Soul,” by Donald J. Trump

The latest offering in this successful series addresses the emotional needs of orange persons. When life turns out to be a roller coaster of executive orders, bans, communiqués, rulings, roundups, firings, confirmation hearings, commissariat coups, and obstruction-of-justice charges, it can be comforting to turn to inspirational stories by other down-to-earth despots. These include “From Tirade to Tyrant in Ten Easy Steps,” “Building Walls, Not Bridges,” “What the Bible Gets Right About Bribery,” and “There is No ‘I’ in ‘Team,’ but There Is in ‘Impeachment.’ ”

“The Fault Lies in the Stars,” by Donald J. Trump

A terminally ill teen-age girl has one last wish: to visit her favorite author. Her lecherous septuagenarian pal pledges to make her wish become a reality, or, at the very least, a reality show. But he fails to find the author, Frederick Douglass, before the girl’s untimely demise. He spends the rest of his nights wandering the halls of his immense white manse in a bathrobe, occasionally scouring the gardens for signs of menace or evidence of wiretapping. When he gazes up at the stars—vowing vengeance against those who declined to attend his Inauguration—he can be sure of only one thing: the fault lies in them.

“The Art of the Feel,” by Donald J. Trump

In this follow-up to “The Art of the Steal,” the author—an erstwhile real-estate mogul—shares his secrets for making deals and copping feels. But dangers abound. Lotharios may think that they can get away with grabbing their wife’s hand as easily as they used to grab her unmentionables, but many find themselves swatted away like a pesky fly—and not of the zipper variety.

“The Skipping Point,” by Donald J. Trump

At what point do the spectacularly terrible skip ahead by leaps and bounds to surpass mediocrity and go on to undeserved, dizzying heights of success? That point would be “The Skipping Point.” Based on groundbreaking studies, researchers show how a targeted combination of inherited wealth, influence, and bribery can propel the ignorant and undeserving into the upper echelons of power, allowing them to magically “skip over” untold numbers of milestones, inconveniences, requisites, laws, restrictions, regulations, treaties, checks, balances, judiciaries, mandates, moral universes, and more qualified candidates. (Prequel to “Outrightliars.”)

“Go the F*ck to Sleep,” by the staff of Donald J. Trump

Every parent knows how frustrating it can be when an infant cries, whines, and tweets through the night, refusing to fall asleep. Attempting to take away any sort of special, comforting item from him—be it a favorite toy cell phone or a little blue bird—can end in disaster. Sure, your baby-in-chief may be exploring his newfound autonomy, trying out words to express his emotions (suddenly, everything is “sad,” “bad,” “Vlad”), or hitting his Piagetian milestones. But, really, whether you’re a parent or merely in loco parentis_,_ you just want the baby to go the f*ck to sleep.