GREECE has been fitted with explosives that will detonate if growth dips below two per cent of GDP.

The bombs, which are a key condition of the new bailout terms, are wired to every financial institution, asset and individual.

Prime minister Alexis Tsipras, speaking with an epidermal explosive device clearly visible under his white shirt, said: “The Troika demanded certain… guarantees.

“As long as inflation stays close to zero, the bailout payments are met as scheduled and growth rises as forecast, I am assured that nobody has to die.

“It is important that nobody panics. Just keep working.

“Also, it would be best if you did not attempt to vote. Apparently they’re sensitive to that.”

Tsipras will today attempt to push new austerity plans through parliament, which now features a 50-megaton nuclear bomb as an “attention-focusing centrepiece”.

When advised that detonation would trigger a supervolcano eruption blanketing the planet in ash and causing an ice age, German finance minister Wolfgang Schauble replied that he was satisfied there was no risk of Eurozone contagion.