TORONTO – Breaking news coming from Canada this evening as police have released details regarding today’s arrest of Toronto University psychology professor Jordan Peterson. In an official statement, Toronto police say Peterson’s laptop was found to have over 15 gigabytes of lobster pornography. A “significant portion” of the videos appear to feature Peterson performing deviant sexual acts on the sea crustaceans, some of which appear to be below the age of lobster consent, police said.

Peterson’s online horde of incel followers quickly came to their leader’s defense, arguing that humans and lobsters traditionally enjoyed a mutually erotic coexistence until “cultural Marxists” began attacking lobster society as “patriarchal.” Peterson’s fans are arguing that unless western society quickly returns to its lobster-fucking roots, we are all doomed.