Yes, I’m sorry to say, it’s true. The movie opens with a recap of that horrible moment when Thanos enacted his gruesome wish. Then, we get a “FIVE YEARS LATER” title on the screen, & we cut to a gynecologist’s office, where Captain Marvel (Brie Larson) leafs through a TIME magazine. At first I thought it was a slice-of-life scene, of people moving on in the post-Snap world. I thought, Movies do tend to only show us women’s doctors when they’re pregnant. High time we saw a humdrum visit to the gyno! After all, even Captain Marvel doesn’t have the power to screen herself for HPV.

Then Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) arrives, exchanges a firm handshake with Captain Marvel, and Captain Marvel says the line that lets you know you’re in for a profoundly bizarre three hours: “Welcome to the new Avengers HQ.”

I laughed out loud, and so did the rest of the audience. We all thought it was a joke, maybe even something ad-libbed on the day. They cut away to Venezuela, where Captain America (Chris Evans) busts in on a lab of AIM scientists, hard at work on recreating the Vision (Paul Bettany). You forget about the gyno line, and get wrapped up in the new plotline. After a cool fight scene, the film cuts to Alabama, where Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper) is drinking his sorrows away in a run-down pub. Stan Lee plays the bartender, his last-ever cameo; the scene is keenly bittersweet. By the time Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) arrives to recruit Rocket for a rescue mission, you’re definitely not expecting the following scene to be at the gynecologist’s office.

But, it is.

PEPPER: You’ll really cover my copay, Thor? THOR: Aye. Whatever it takes to make sure you and the baby are healthy. CAP: Whatever it takes. BLACK WIDOW: Whatever it takes.

Captain Marvel has finished her screening, and now Black Widow is leafing through the TIME magazine. We get a close-up of the cover: a picture of Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) with the headline MISSING MARVELS: A FIVE-YEAR RETROSPECTIVE. The attention to detail in the MCU’s worldbuilding, despite everything else, remains absolutely the best in the business.

And just as you’re starting to think that things are gonna get back to normal, the door to the patient rooms open, and out steps, no joke: Nurse Hulk (Mark Ruffalo). They never explain how he became the Hulk again, and he just talks in a normal Mark Ruffalo voice. It’s almost like they decided, at the last second, that it was…better?…if Hulk were nurse, instead of puny Banner. Either way, neither of them is qualified to be a nurse.

NURSE HULK: Is Stephanie Michaels here? STEPHANIE: That’s me! NURSE HULK: Great, follow Hulk.

From there on on, we never leave the gyno. Every single scene after that takes place in that office. Thanos pops back up, with an army of Thanos clones he’s pulled from alternate timelines; they all battle at the gyno. The other patients never seem to notice, or care! I’m not even sure they were actors, frankly. I think Marvel just had access to a gyno’s office, and figured it’d be cheaper to set most of the movie there.

IRON MAN: Uh, Cap, take a look around. This is a gynecologist’s office. CAP: What better place to make our last stand? ROCKET: Plus, free condoms.

I won’t bother detailing the rest of the film. It’s mostly incomprehensible. By the end, every single character has gotten a pelvic exam; even the people without vaginas. Even Rocket. It makes no sense whatsoever.

Before concluding, I want to pre-address something: I’m sure a bunch of reactionary male fans will be screaming about “SJWs” and “PC culture” at this point. But, there’s no political agenda on display here. Never once is the dire state of women’s health mentioned, nor do they refer to the vile, ongoing campaign to obliterate Roe v. Wade. They don’t even say the words “abortion,” “choice,” or “fascist Republican monsters!” It really just seems like a place they felt like they could shoot on the cheap. The “Special Thanks to Kevin Feige’s Niece, Dr. Mel Maslani” in the credits proves my theory, I think.

Anyway, I cannot recommend that anyone see this movie, regardless of whether you’re a Marvel fan or not. It’s a complete mess, from top to bottom, that put convenience over story, & oddly fails to take the opportunity for some easy advocacy.

Overall, I give it 2/5 stars.

‘Cause the Thor/Valkyrie scenes are still pretty awesome, even with Thor in the stirrups.