Shocking news today as the iPhone X has failed to meet the dunderheaded and completely fabricated expectations of serially wrong pundits, signaling its utter failure.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and expired pimento loaf factory outlet, Ewan Spence declares the “iPhone X Defeated As Tim Cook Steals Victory Away With The iPhone 8.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Headlines, they’re what’s for blarrrrrrgh.

The iPhone X was defeated, you see… by other iPhones. It is a wonder Tim Cook is still employed.

Although Apple will talk in glowing terms about the launch of the iPhone X and the new concepts introduced, recent data suggests that the sales of the new iPhone handsets in Q4 2017 have not matched up to previous years.

Uh, yeah, maybe that’s because 2017 was an unprecedented year.

You know, this isn’t that hard. That seems like a point that should be fairly obvious to any observer, that Apple introduced two phone lines this year instead of one and therefore things might be a little different. But Forbes is a foundry for weaponized deliberate obtuseness.

The commanding lead that the iPhone X was going to capture has not arrived…

WHO SAID THAT? NO ONE SAID THAT.

Here’s the Macalope writing back in August of 2017 about the iPhone X (before we knew it was going to be called that):

It’s not supposed to sell in huge volumes. It’s a premium phone at a premium price meant to attract those who are willing to spend more to get more. If that’s not you, that’s OK.

Pundits, you can’t complain all summer long about a $1,000 price tag and pretend the iPhone 8 doesn’t exist then bemoan the fact that not literally everyone went out and bought an iPhone X. We’re not playing your little psycho games.

“REMEMBER THOSE WRONG THINGS WE SAID LAST SUMMER BECAUSE WE DELIBERATELY MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION? THEY’RE STILL WRONG AND WE’RE STILL DELIBERATELY MISUNDERSTANDING THE SITUATION.”

Go lie down.

Apple’s iPhone 8 and iPhone 8 Plus, representing a much more traditional upgrade to the iPhone platform, made up 41 percent of iPhone sales during quarter, compared to the 20 percent share that was earned by the iPhone X.

In response to that, let us just go to Josh Lowitz, Partner and Co-Founder of CIRP, the organization that compiled the data Spence quotes.

…comparisons to earlier launches are tricky at best.

Tricky? Josh, hold Forbes’s keg and funnel.

[luge sled careens off monorail track and into open pit of venomous snakes]

“I REGRET NOTHINGGGGGGGG!” the Forbes contributor network writer was heard to cry as the snakes overwhelmed him.

Why might serial jerks not want to respond to their knee-jerk tendencies?

First, iPhone X wasn’t available for the full quarter. The Apple model pie is further divided, as they now offer eight models, the most ever.

That’s right, Apple kept the iPhone 6s instead of sunsetting the model from two years prior as they had in previous years. There are so many reason why 2017 was different that you almost have to close your eyes, plug your ears and yell “LA-LA-LA I AM NOT LIS-TEN-ING!” which, let’s face it, may actually be Spence’s process.

…the latest news around the iPhone X, that Apple will be ‘cancelling’ the handset in place of two new notched iPhone handsets in 2018, is going to add to the sense of negativity around the iPhone X.

Apple is not cancelling the iPhone X, get-out-of-clickbait-jail-free quotes or not.

Let us close by summarizing this experience with the words of Microsoft’s Frank X. Shaw:

By mistake I clicked on a Forbes contributor link. Send help.

Right there with you, Frank.