EAST LANSING, MI—Saying they might as well not even bother preparing for it, a study published Monday by Michigan State University found that the average American stands no chance against what’s coming. “Our data show unequivocally that the vast majority of Americans will be snuffed out immediately the moment it gets here,” read the report in part, adding that many Americans falsely believed they were ready for it when, in fact, they were not in any respect. “It’s coming, and the average American will have barely enough time to even register what it is before they’re gone in the blink of an eye. Furthermore, our research also shows that in nearly all cases, people will have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide when it arrives. The typical American is toast.” An addendum to the report later concluded that it’s coming a lot sooner than the average American thinks.

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