Ranking teams on form is passé. The Open Wide For Some Soccer team instead brings you power rankings for the storylines, memes, and narratives that are bouncing around Major League Soccer this week.

1. It’s Not About The Money

Something something big name teams out, something something small market teams in. Something something Garber’s probably pissed.

2. No Houston/LA Final

Jason Kreis deserves Coach of the Year honors for this great accomplishment. (Sorry, Petke.)

3. In Sigi We Trust-ed

Like “Roy Miller takes a free kick” last year, we predict “Shalrie Joseph as a forward” will be the recurring gag of the 2013 playoffs.

4. LA Is Bad At Set Pieces

The Narrative Power Rankings Kleptocracy is sure Bruce Arena will find some way to blame this on the refs. Or the crowd. Or the wind. Actually, he probably will blame the wind.

5. Bieler In From The Cold

Alternate Headline: Lowered Expectations Finally Met By SKC DP

6. High Profile DPs Go Invisible

In contrast to Bieler: Henry? Keane? Donovan? Dempsey? Di Vaio? Anyone?

7. Houston Are Playoff Masters

Weird how they haven’t won an MLS Cup since 2007, huh?

8. That’s So Metro

14 trips in to the postseason. 12 trips out in the quarterfinal round. Woof.

9. MLS Playoff Scheduling Sucks

Twelve playoff games in twelve days. Then two weeks off. Then two games in two days. Then another two weeks off. Then the Cup. THANKS OBAMA.

10. Football Lines Are Literally Hitler

With Seattle and New England out, we can go back to hand-wringing about more important things - like turf vs. grass, and TV ratings.