Dear Dategirl,

I recently met a hot guy and we decided to have a sexual but noncommitted relationship. Our fuck date was going just fine until his penis was injured (and we even took care of each other first before the action took place). It slipped out and somehow got hit hard enough to hurt and stop any fucking for that night. Now this has happened (a lot) in the past with a previous boyfriend. I’m wondering: Am I loose? I can’t be, because I’ve only slept with three guys, but then I guess I don’t even know if I am or not unless the guy tells me. What can I do to prevent this from happening with future partners? Or does the problem lie with the other person instead of me? I am sick of feeling like there’s something wrong with me (and my vagina) whenever I have sex with a guy and his penis somehow ends up injured! Thank you very much!

Lucy

Despite its misleading name, there’s no bone in a boner. However, it is possible to “break” a penis. As there are only about 1,000 cases reported each year in this country, your boys probably just experienced the equivalent of a sprain.

A broken wiener occurs when the erect member slams into a hard, unyielding surface—like your inner thigh, pubic bone, or taint. When the ligaments are torn, it’s as if the guy has broken an arm or leg. In short, it hurts—a lot. There’s sometimes blood, and usually swelling. If that happens, get him to the ER, stat.

I asked my Large Greek Boyfriend if he’d ever junked his joint. He thought back to the dark years and said that it had happened with one of his first girlfriends. He reported that while it hurt a great deal at the time, she nursed him back to health with a blowjob.

You crazy kids are probably just being a little overenergetic and sloppy. My research shows that it’s more common when the woman is on top—not that you need to stop. Just be careful that if his dong slips all the way out, guide it carefully back in. If you’re going doggie style, it’s pretty much up to him to take care of that, because unless you’re a very special lady you don’t have eyes on your ass.

You might also explore other, less wham-bam positions. I’m not saying you have to get all gentle and love-makey, just be a little more aware of where both your bits are.

I wouldn’t worry about being loose—just keep doing your Kegel exercises. Not only will they help you have better orgasms, they’ll keep you from peeing your pants when all the other biddies at the nursing home are sitting in puddles of their own making.

Too many women spend hours working their abs and butts and forget about the most important muscle of them all—the love muscle. Hopefully you already know how to do your Kegels, but in the interest of being servicey, I’ll tell you:

Next time you pee, stop the flow of urine midstream. Hold it for a few seconds and let go. That’s the muscle you should be working when you’re Kegeling. But don’t keep doing this while you’re on the toilet because you’ll end up with a urinary tract infection, which can be as painful as a sprained penis. Don’t ask me how I know this.

So now that you know which muscle to flex, you can Kegel anywhere. On the bus, stuck in traffic: Squeeze that muscle (feels kind of good, doesn’t it?), hold it for three seconds, then let it go for three seconds. Repeat 10 times. Work up to four, five, then 10 seconds. Do 10 sets three times a day. Pretty soon you’ll have a twat as tight as a tourniquet.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com





