Last week I was feeling particularly confident. I had on my favorite top, I’d gotten a blowout, and I was warm but somehow not sweating! I was meeting a bunch of my friends at a local beer garden and as I approached the table I decided to have some fun and say, “the Queen has arrived!”

Well, my confidence pretty much ended right then and there, as I was immediately summoned by a tribunal and instructed to sire a male heir in order to continue the family bloodline. Ughhh, can you say “body positive fail”?

My dating life was never perfect, but I definitely had my fair share of fun in the sack. Now it’s like I can’t have sex unless it’s with the King and only if I’m ovulating and only if we’re standing up because apparently that’s the best way to conceive a boy and if I don’t conceive a boy the kingdom will fall.

I thought calling myself a queen would be fun but it’s turned into a real chore. My mom is constantly calling me like, “How are you and when are you going to sire an heir?” Even strangers think can just stop me on the street and ask probing questions like, “When are you going to sire an heir. The future of the kingdom rests in your loins!” Ugh, this antiquated form of reproduction is so annoying!

Also I have to do all this royal fucking without any of the other fun Queen stuff like wearing beautiful gowns or beheading peasants or whatever. I’m just mostly just sitting around with my feet up in the air, trying to conceive the heir apparent to the throne so I can get back to my regular dang life. I never should have let myself feel confident and queenly for that one single second.

On the one hand it’s like, “Get me outta here,” but on the other it’s like, I know that every day without a male heir is another day the King could be murdered by his conniving brother, Archibald, and then we’d be under his rule. And like, I don’t want that shit weighing on me, you know? Why can’t a girl just say what she wants without being judged or forced to produce the one ruler who will save the kingdom?

So while I don’t like to cater to patriarchal constructs, I do kinda have to make the most of my current situation and right now that involves trying to produce a male heir while sometimes checking out my eyeliner in the mirror and whispering “Yaas queen!” suuuuper quietly.