NEW YORK—Citing a litany of reasons ranging from the neighborhood’s high crime rate to the soul-crushing sight of its urban decay, retiring Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter concluded his farewell speech Thursday evening by informing the sellout home crowd that he will never step foot in the Bronx again. “I would like you all to know that this borough is an absolute shithole, and there’s no way in hell I’m coming back,” said the 14-time All-Star, adding that he cannot fathom why anyone would ever willingly spend time in the Bronx if they were not a professional baseball player contractually obligated to do so. “Unless you’re holding Derek Jeter Day, I can pretty much guarantee you’ll never see me above 125th Street. I still can’t believe you people walk around this place at night without a security detail. I mean, The House That Ruth Built should have been built in fucking Manhattan.” Jeter then told the 50,000 completely silent spectators that, at the very least, he will always remain thankful that he didn’t have to play in Flushing, Queens.

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