(We keep some of our low-end clearance books in the vestibule of the store. I’m stocking in this area one very cold winter day when two drunk men stagger through the doors.)

Drunk Man #1: “Hey, maybe she can help.”

Drunk Man #2: “Yeah, heh heh heh.”

(The second man’s chuckle immediately makes me cautious, but I paste on a smile and try to sound friendly.)

Me: “Well, I hope so. Is there a specific book you’d like my help in finding?”

Drunk Man #1: “Naw, naw, nothing like that. See, we have a bet, and we can’t seem to settle it.”

Me: “Uh… I can’t Google anything on our computers, sir.”

Drunk Man #2: “That’s okay; we just need a judge. You see, we’re trying to figure out which of us is bigger.”

(Before I could realize what they meant, both of them dropped trou in front of me. Unfortunately for these two would-be perverts, they were too drunk to realize — or remember — what happens when previously-warm body parts are exposed to air that is just above freezing. While I did get to see them bared to the world, I also got a fantastic view of the “Incredible Shrinking Body Parts.” This view, coupled with their suddenly very uncomfortable expressions, set me off. Both men hastily pulled up their pants and fled, while I just clutched my cart and laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. My manager rushed past me with the phone, describing the two men to the police, and I talked with an officer to give a better description. I don’t know if they ever got caught, but their plan backfiring in such a hilarious manner was all the revenge I could ask for.)