This post is an exploration into the previous year of my meditation practice. During this time, every day, without fail, I have managed to do one hour of meditation. This was for the most part, but not exclusively, in a Buddhist context. My practice consisted of half an hour of Vipassana followed by half an hour of Metta. I am extremely excited to get my teeth into this first post as my diligence during this time affords me the opportunity to share my psychological insights, progress and even pitfalls as I traversed the treacherous path towards greater mental stability and well-being. I will format this post in paragraphs, each in turn representing a particular psychological insight or pitfall I've encountered in the past year.BROAD STROKES; General thoughtsThe best way I could crystallise my insights from the past 12 months would be to draw upon an old quote from the self-help industry that has been rehashed ad nausium:“First there is unconscious incompetence. Then there is conscious incompetence. Then there is conscious competence. Then there is unconscious competence.”This period of mental practice has in essence, been a sobering process of uncovering the numerous and destructive mental processes that take up an enormous amount of real estate in my psyche.LOST IN THOUGHT VERSUS WATCHING THOUGHTThe first interesting experience for me was a few months in, when I began noticing the qualitative difference between being lost in thought and actually being available to what was going on, whatever was happening(a.k.a. meditation). As I was meditating I registered how increasingly pronounced this difference was becoming. The renowned mindfulness teacher, Joseph Goldstein, describes this experience as:“The difference between being completely lost and enthralled in a movie and then suddenly realising that you're actually just in a movie theatre looking at a play of light on a wall.’I wonder if many other meditators were as flabbergasted at this discovery as I was. I truly found this as hilarious as it was baffling. It’s one thing to accept the Buddha's diagnosis of the human condition which is that we are no doubt on some level neurotic, self-centred egos that get in our own way but it's quite another to witness yourself being in a literal daydream for 90% of your waking life. You watch yourself reliably fail to pull yourself out of that daydream again and again. Even that’s probably too charitable because it’s more like 96%.SEEING THE MECHANICS OF SUFFERINGMy next harrowing realisation was when I began to develop the ability to witness my mental patterns at full tilt, as opposed to being completely unconscious and clueless to their presence. Needless to say they were suboptimal. In my most recent sessions there where periods where peering into my mind became like having a magic trick revealed.I began to actually see in detail the mental tricks my mind had up its sleeve. Not only did I start to see the thoughts themselves but I soon began to see how masterfully my mind would use them so as to keep its hold over me. Here’s an example:I begin focusing on the breath as well as being peripherally aware of the different thoughts as they appear and dissipate. My mind starts off with a few jabs, like a boxer taunting his opponent at the beginning of a fight. It begins rather innocently throwing up images and memories that have relatively low voltage in terms of my reaction to them. If you have any experience at all in meditation you can usually just watch these come and go. Then I feel my mind start Phase 2:It starts throwing up different concepts and conundrums about my life with increasing relevance to me;“ Is meditation a cure-all or is it a piece of an elaborate and sophisticated puzzle which must be solved for a human to experience wellbeing? Do I have a general lack of boundaries in my life and is this the primary reason for my lack of progress? Do I have to fundamentally become a kind person like the Dalai Lama or could I become a 'type A husstler' like Steve Jobs?”It takes a bit more skill to not take the bait on this one but it's still possible and I manage to stay centered and not get lost in these provocations. Then just like being stuck at a particular boss on Super Mario, it hits me an elaborate film about an event or person in my life that I am helplessly captivated by and I'm done. It’s like getting a rear naked choke in mixed martial arts. Unless you are specifically trained in how to combat at rear naked choke. you're done!Here is a commentary on a mental rear naked choke*brain plays a film of your friend who has made it as a mid-level celebrity.* Brain then flashes all of the images that you seen on his Facebook and twitter of him having an awesome life.* brain puts you in a virtual reality where you had this fate.* this makes you helplessly fall into regret and mental anguish about the fact that your life didn’t turn it that way.Then you hear yourself talking “ that’s okay we’ll come back, we will be on twitter bossing it up and being successful. Wait till everyone sees. So it’s settled, starting tomorrow I’m going to get my shit together!”The next few moments or minutes you are a wash in the same daydream you’ve had 1 million times. It's very analogous to the experience of getting knocked before an operation. You know you’re going to plunge into unconsciousness in any moment and not only is there nothing you can do about but you won’t even remember the plunging.COMPASSION AND ECSTASYMy favourite scene of any show is in Game of Thrones where Queen Cersei has to do a walk of shame whilst naked through the most poor part of her kingdom at the behest of religious fanatics on the basis of her cheating on her husband. All of the poverty-stricken masses lineup ready to capitalize on the rare opportunities to scream at this queen “ SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!”. I believe this is a perfect representation of one of the most unflattering characteristics of our mind. Being judgmental and hateful. How this relates to me and my practice is that by tendency, I spent a huge amount of my time being hateful and judgmental myself. During this year while I was doing some serious meditation I had a huge amount of conflict and tension with a roommate of mine at the time. We were different people, both insecure about ourselves so naturally carnage ensued. During my practice I had one of the most profound moments I’ve ever had. I was meditating on lovingkindness directed at my parents for about 20 minutes. I had quite a bit of momentum going with this practice which was slightly unusual so I decided to move the practice on to my roommate. I then suddenly found myself having a my perspective on my roommate do a 180° shift. Granted, I would still stand by my original analysis of his behaviour and why my grievances were somewhat justified, but in that moment I realised emotionally that there was no reason to hate him for it. The only way I can try and illustrate this would be to imagine getting bitten by a crocodile, it still would be shit to have gotten bitten. and it would be still accurate to say that the crocodile bit you but it is unlikely that you’re going to dedicate any time at all shaming or hating this crocodile and constantly ruminating over how annoyed you are at him. If nothing else this experience advertised to me, the fact that we have the ability to go from debilitating hatred of someone to having a similar attitude you would have to bad performance at an elementary school performance. You feel bad for the kid and you are aware that’s not how it’s supposed to be played but to hate him for it does not make sense to you.FINAL THOUGHTSI can tell you I would’ve preferred to have become noticeably more happy and comfortable in my own skin as advertised by most teachers of meditation but it is clear that I've been given what I need as opposed to what I want. Coming from a background of having learned the classical guitar for a decade and being hugely involved in the self-development world, I am well acquainted with the concept of letting the path unfold and having faith in the process. Becoming acutely aware of the severity of the problem, witnessing point blank the various mental patterns that rule my mental life, and then getting a glimpse into a compassionate perspective instead of having your opinions ceaselessly punctuated by judgment and hate are probably exactly what I needed. Maybe it has been crucial to first realize the existence of the problem before I begin overcoming it. The insights garnered from the last year of practice will no doubt be indispensable to me in ways I don’t even know yet, so I remain tremendously excited to continue on the path ahead.I hope this was informative, dare I say even inspirational for some people and I would love to hear from you guysMastery414