Trying to come up with some sort of game preview piece that is semi-interesting. Let’s give this a shot.

I’m apparently on some sort of Wayne’s World kick lately so I’m going to take three different guesses at the lineup for the Mexico game and use the alternate Wayne’s World endings as my guide. First up…the Sad Ending.

The Sad Ending Lineup

In the movie, Wayne’s house has burned down, his girlfriend (Cassandra) has left him for Benjamin, and he’s just learned his “psycho hose beast” ex-girlfriend is pregnant. Here’s the USMNT lineup of that ending personified.

I’m not being (completely) ridiculous about this so I tried to keep the choices realistic while still being negative. Sadly, I honestly think this lineup is probably at least 7/11’s correct and could be 8 or 9. I’m obviously watching the game no matter what happens, but this lineup would take a lot of the excitement out of it for me.

IMO, the midfield would have trouble keeping and recovering the ball. The forwards would have issues (outside of CP) finishing any chances that were created and the back line would be in trouble on the left. Let’s hope this guess is wildly inaccurate.

The Mega-Happy Ending Lineup

In this scenario, Wayne and Cassandra are happily together, she has just landed a big record deal with Mr. Big, and Benjamin has just had his anal cavity searched yet again. Here’s the Mega-Happy Ending USMNT lineup.

#PlayYourKids, right? I think US soccer Twitter may not complain for the first time in recorded history if this lineup were run out there. The forwards would be more dangerous than the Sad Ending version, although Sargent may run out of gas early. Sargent’s game is actually fairly similar to Altidore’s so I think the long balls and flick-ons that created most of the US’ dangerous opportunities in the GC final would be possible. Boyd and Pulisic on the wings would be the most dangerous set of wingers I can remember for the USMNT (I guess Donovan/Dempsey were more dangerous under Bob, but they weren’t really wingers).

The midfield would be combative and able to recover the ball. I’m not sure how well they’d be able to possess it, but they’d make things harder on the Mexican midfield.

The back four would be exciting. It might be more defensively fragile than the three man back line the US has been playing, but I’m not sure Dest is a worse defender than Ream (at least in fullback positions). In this scenario, I’m thinking Morales would be responsible at times for dropping back into defense to make the back three in Berhalter’s preferred 3-2-2-3 build up formation. I think that 9/11’s of this formation is legitimately possible. *crosses fingers*

The Scooby Doo Ending

In the Scooby Doo ending, Wayne rips of Benjamin’s (Rob Lowe) face to reveal that he is actually Mr. Withers, owner of the local haunted amusement park. So what could Gregg do that would surprise us? Here’s the Scooby Doo ending lineup.

Mr. Withers!? You have secretly been prepping a 3-5-2 formation? The roster seems a little light on wingers, right? Pulisic was listed as a forward. This formation would let Dest and Cannon be the de facto wingers and give Pulisic the freedom to go pretty much wherever he wants. The team still ends up with three in the back and Dest could certainly slide inside on occasion to make the same 3-2-2-3 build up (Canon at RW and Pulisic slides to lw) formation.

TBH I don’t think this is very likely. The US did run some version of a 3-5-2 against Jamaica one of the friendlies before the Gold Cup and it went poorly. The fact that it was tried at all does make it an outside possibility though.

Reality?

Who knows? Some combination of the Sad Ending and Mega-Happy Ending would be the best bet. Dest in the starting lineup would be enough for me. Morales instead of Trapp would make me a very happy camper. Again, I don’t expect to win, but seeing the team be able to hold the ball better against the Mexican press would be nice. See y’all on the other side.

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