The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is not a cannibal.” This is the nicest thing two of the greatest minds of late night comedy could come up with to say about the president, who—apparently under the impression the election is still going—tweeted over the weekend that he should receive “equal time” from Democrat-biased talk show hosts.




“That's not how this works,” Stephen Colbert said in response on Monday night’s Late Show. “You're the president, we make fun of you.” But being the “unfunny” guy that he is, Colbert decided to humor Trump anyway, bringing to the stage another “unfunny” host to provide some balance by saying something pro-Trump for every anti-Trump Colbert joke. Not just any co-host: “Equal time” came in the form of none other than former Daily Show host Jon Stewart.

Now free of any charges of imbalance, Colbert let loose with his “usual unfair slamming of the president.” But it was a casually dressed Stewart who stole the show, shaking himself and bouncing on the spot to fire himself up for the monumental task at hand, and looking hilariously, adorably stricken when Colbert gestured at the mic to indicate it was his turn to share. “Can I have more time?” he begged Colbert desperately, with his obvious agony at being made to say nice things about Trump making for a greater indictment than anything Colbert was saying. Not eating the flesh of other humans was the kindest thing he came up with, and between having hot lava poured in his peehole and Trump being president, Stewart made it clear he wanted the lava.

But when Colbert played the recent “calm before the storm” footage, the Trumpness of it all just got too much for Stewart, who interrupted Colbert with an almost imprompt–seeming, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy?”

“Calm before the storm? How is all this not the storm? This is all the storm. And what kind of a sociopath would use that terminology while people are still literally cleaning up from storms?” he ranted in what seemed like months of pent-up Trump rage, leaving Colbert with the impossible task of finding something positive to say.