“Joe Pera Takes You To A Football Game”

Date - REV. 1/17/20

by Jonders

CAST

Joe Pera

Sarah

Mike

Sue

Gus

(a close up on a teenager’s eyes shifting back and forth. The camera zooms out to show a high school quarterback under center and audio from the crowd fades in.The quarterback calls an audible changing the play. The ball is snapped and the ball is handed off to the running back in the I Formation for little to no gain. We now see a crowd of people as the camera scrolls past the crowd we land on Joe in front of the line at the concession stand.)

JOE

Two wieners, please. Extra mustard if that is okay. (Joe pays for the hotdogs and turns to the camera) Hello. I am Joe Pera and welcome to one of America’s and Michigan’s great traditions. High school football.

Worker

Here is your change.

(Joe receives the hot dogs turns to the worker) Thank you. (Joe starts to walks with his wieners in hand.) Do you know what makes American football unique? That’s right the forward pass. (Joe comes to a full stop)

In 1905 passing wasn’t allowed in football and 18 young men died while playing college football.

(We start to see old-timey reels of football)

This was seen to be a problem, even if the writer of the football rule book Walter Camp did think so. Teddy Roosevelt started to receive memos talking about the forward pass. Teddy Roosevelt talked to Paul Dashiell, who was the head of officials and also a professor at Navy. Paul Dashiell was up for promotion at Navy and it was President Roosevelt's to give him. (We see a photo of Teddy Roosevelt)

Paul Dashiell changed the rules to include the legalization of the forward pass in 1906 making the game more fun and safer.

(We return to Joe)

That’s fun. If I were the president I would change the rules of football so you would have a 5th down. Just kidding.

(We see the title card)

(We now see a shot of the bleachers. Then Joe walking in front of them. Sue and Mike can be seen in the middle of the frame, they are clearly not enjoying each other’s company before Sue sees Joe and exclaims)

Sue

Joe! Joe! Come up here! We have a spot for you.

(Joe acknowledges them. As Joe is walking up the bleachers)

Joe

Football like most things is best enjoyed with friends!

(Joe approaches them and sits down)

Sue

Are you excited for Sarah?

Joe

Oh, yes, very much so. It’s not every day that the middle school band gets to play during the high school football game.

Mike

You don’t have to tell me about that pressure (Sue is unbelievably annoyed by her husband) I use to play cornerback in my high school years.

Joe

Oh, wow. That’s pretty cool. I didn’t know that.

Sue

Don’t be that impressed, Joe, it was JV.

Mike

Well, you were impressed!

(Mike aggressively grabs sue and kisses her. This seems to turn Sue’s mood into that of favorable to Mike. Joe is visibly uncomfortable.)

Sue

…Oh, yeah you were my Deion Sanders.

(Over the PA a member of the armed forces is being honored. Joe just started eating his first of two hotdogs and isn’t really aware of what’s happening. Everyone but Joe stands. Mike hits Joe in the back of the head causing him to notice his miss actions. Joe carefully sets his hot dogs down on the bench and beginnings to clap for the member of the armed forces. By the time Joe starts, however, the rest of the crowd has already ended and begins to sit down. Joe sits down on his hot dogs.

Joe

Oh, corn chips! (Joe stands up revealing that the choice to get extra mustard was a bad choice. Mike is holding back laughter and Sue turns on Mike again hitting him.) Please excuse me Mike, Sue, I need to go to my car to retrieve my back up pants.

Mike

Back up pants?

(We see Joe fidgeting in his car as he is sitting in the driver’s seat. As he is clearly changing his pants)

Joe

(Talking to the camera out the open window) Whether it’s a night at the football game or at the movies or anywhere in between, I always bring a change of clothes as it is impossible to predict the future and what possible stains might occur. Hopefully, no one will notice I am wearing last year’s fashion now. (Joe gets out of the car wearing identical pants.)

(We see Sarah nervously pacing back and forth behind a chain-link fence. Joe walks up on the other end of the chain-link fence.)

Joe

How are your nerves, Sarah?

Sarah

Not good, Joe, you know I don’t like big crowds and if the band decided to overthrow me I am powerless to do anything to defend myself and the kids will do plenty of damage before the police step in.

Joe

I can see how that would be worrisome, but if it makes you feel any better you couldn’t embarrass yourself more than I just did. I soiled my pants and I had to get my back up pants even though they are last year’s fashion.

Sarah

You soiled yourself?

Joe

I sat on my wiener.

Sarah

You sat on your wiener?

Joe

Yes, and I got mustard all over my pants.

(We see that this calms Sarah down a great deal, she smiles as big as possible indicating her love for Joe)

Sarah

Can I tell you something, Joe?

Joe

Sure, Sarah.

Sarah

I love you, Joe Pera.

(Joe smiles… the camera cuts back and forth between the two.)

Sarah

Joe, do you love me?

Joe

Yes. I love you, Sarah.

Sarah

Cool.

Joe

Cool.

Sarah

I have to go. (Sarah runs off.)

(Sarah gets in front of her band raises her baton and the band starts to play “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” by the band Cake. Over the minute and a half of the song that we hear we see various shots of the crowd and the band moving information. We see Mike playing air guitar to which Sue is annoyed. But most importantly we see Sarah steal a look at Joe who responds by raising his fist as to say “heck yeah!”.

(We now see Joe and Sarah in Joe’s bed.)

Joe

It’s a shame that our boys, and the girl who punts, didn’t win, but if you ask me, it was still a really good night. Although tomorrow I will have to buy new pants. Would you like to go to the mall with me? We can get a soda and a pretzel if you would like? It’s okay if you don’t want to go, I know the mall can be very busy on a Saturday.

Sarah

I would like to go anywhere with you, Joe.

(Sarah kisses Joe, Joe at first is happy to end it with a quick kiss but the kissing becomes more passionate.)

(We cut to Gus licking the mustard off of Joe’s pants for the length of the credits.)

(blackout.)







