WORTHEN, CT—Saying the move will help avoid any controversy during the celebration, administrators from Boswitch College confirmed Thursday that the school will allow each graduating senior to choose an individual commencement speaker in order to make the ceremony acceptable for all. “By letting every student handpick their own honorary guest to deliver a personal graduation address one-on-one, we hope to ensure that all viewpoints are respected and validated on this important day,” said Boswitch College president Steven Boyd, adding that each of the 1,400 members of the graduating class will be able to sit directly across from their invited speaker and listen to their address during the event on the campus’s main quad. “Each of the speakers will be given a podium and will have approximately 20 minutes to simultaneously deliver their remarks to their respective student, at which point the ceremony will conclude. We believe this arrangement will guarantee that none of our students will be forced to contend with disagreeable opinions while observing this momentous milestone.” At press time, the college was being sharply criticized by a number of graduating seniors, who reportedly had overheard objectionable remarks from the commencement speaker of the student sitting next to them.

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