It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Famous line, yes, but what people don't know is that Charles Dickens was actually talking about our lives during the holiday season. Whether you love your family or want to exchange them on Boxing Day at Harrod's, we can all agree on one thing: lots of football is good. So stop grumping about and let's get excited about Tottenham!

The following is a Spurs themed drinking game created to keep the holidays warm, and your families' disappointment in you a fuzzy, distant afterthought.



Here are the rules:



If you're off to the match, I'm super jealous, but also warmer than you. Drink three, baby, it's cold outside. Preferably a schnapps.



If you have to follow via Twitter or a match thread, take three shots*. There are few things as upsetting as Spurs social media and sending yourself into an alcohol fueled alternate reality is really your only chance of coming out unscathed.



If Mauricio Pochettino is wearing a track suit, take one drink.



If Poche is wearing a suit, order/pour some wine because we've all been #blessed.



If Poche is wearing a gilet, forget drinks. Hold the ones you love for the apocalypse is upon us.



Few holiday period matches can go off without someone simply mentioning the time of year. England does it right, in case you've missed it, unlike those pansy continentals and their R&R. With any reference to the congested Christmas period fixture list take one drink.



Does Scotland list their number one export as football pundits? They should. I think my life would be very different if there was one of these blokes around at all times claiming I "should've done better". If the color commentator is Scottish, take a drink.



Every time squad rotation is discussed order you and your friends your second favorite version of whatever drink you have. The realization that you can't always get what you want should temper any inklings you have to slate Poche's squad selection. Drink as you wish, but it must be finished before going back to your drink of choice.



Calls from the commentators for Erik Lamela to maintain more width/use his right foot: drink. Because why not?



Instances in which the phrase "you're a loose canon, Vlad" could be uttered: 1/4 of a drink. Because I don't want you to die.



Moves that end with Andros Townsend blasting over from over twenty yards: one drink, and because we want to ensure our buzzes don't wear off.



Andros Townsend scores or assists a score. One shot for you and anybody happened to be named Shane** in your viewing area.



If a Belgian scores, order up a Belgian beer (Orval, Duvel, various others, even Stella Artois, if you must). If you do not have Belgian beer at your disposal, you are doing it wrong. Try to do better, please.



Gentleman only. If Nacer Chadli happens to be that Belgian, drop a Viagra in said beer. Then hit on closest breathing human. Nacer would want it this way.



Every massive Hugo save, and in honor of his Frenchness: smoke one cigarette. (Yes, I am aware it's a drinking game, but I wasted my wine joke earlier. Get off my back.)



Supporters sing the "Eriksen Song": take one drink.



Supporters sing "Park Lane vs. Shelf Side": take one drink.



Supporters sing "When the Spurs Go Marching In": forget your drink and sing along.



Every close up of Harry Kane with mouth ajar: one drink.



Every Spurs corner that does not clear the first man: one drink.



Every goal: one shot.



Every goal scored by Roberto Soldado: one shot mixed with one of your shed tears***.



In the end, regardless of religion, gender, sexual orientation, race, or--in Chirpy's case--species, we all love Tottenham. Let's enjoy the next week and get loaded a time or two. And remember, the Tottenham Hotspur Holiday Season Drinking Game**** is to be used for entertainment purposes only. Any negativity or anger that ensues from this game will cause Arsenal to win the league and, subsequently, my commitment to a mental facility.



Be good and happy holidays.



COYS!

*10 mg of valium or Xanax can be substituted but stop drinking for the love of all that's holy!

**If you don't get this inside joke, just do it anyway.

***Don't act like you don't feel like joyously crying every time he scores.

****For clarity, let's call the next three fixtures (26th, 28th, New Year's) our holiday fixtures.