Confession of the Haram Police

A personal reflection on how I learned what to say and what not to say

A couple years ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends and he was complaining about one of his roommates who had really poor personal hygiene. The conversation quickly diluted into just regular hygiene tips and tricks that both of us used and he commented on how he often gets his eyebrows done. I quickly responded with saying “bro don’t know you that plucking eyebrows is haram?!” To which he shyly responded “yea that’s not gonna happen, I’ll be fine,” and the conversation took an awkward pause and we quickly changed the subject. I was honestly shocked at how quick he was to dismiss something because he was not ready to accept it, and I don’t blame him for it.

I remember that interaction as a highlight, a big ‘ah ha’ moment for myself. I remember being shocked/confused/disappointed in my friend for casually disregarding an obvious command. I mean I was doing the right thing wasn’t I? Aren’t you supposed to call out someone when you see them doing something wrong? Isn’t the command of Allah suppose to compel them to stop whatever it is they are doing? Isn’t he a Muslim and must accept all the commandments of Allah?

We’ve all heard the story of when the command to stop drinking alcohol came down, the Sahabah immediately followed the order and started to throw away all of their alcohol. The streets of Madina were flowing with alcohol that was being dumped and those that were consuming it immediately started to throw it up upon hearing the command.

This story is very inspirational as it should be and we all should try to be able to take the commands of Allah as easily as the Sahabah did, but we’ve forgotten, I had forgotten, exactly what it took for the Sahabah to be able to accept the orders of Allah. In fact the revelation to stop drinking alcohol was brought down 3 times in various stages.

Aisha (RA) stated in a hadith narrated by Yusuf bin Mahk (Sahih Bukhari Book 66, Hadith 15): If the first thing to be revealed was: ‘Do not drink alcoholic drinks.’ people would have said, ‘We will never leave alcoholic drinks,’ and if there had been revealed, ‘Do not commit illegal sexual intercourse, ‘they would have said, ‘We will never give up illegal sexual intercourse.’

What Aisha (RA) is saying here is that the commands themselves didn’t have any magical powers that compelled the people to submit, but rather that there was something in the teachings of the Prophet (SAW) and how he taught his companions that had a fundamental change in the hearts and minds of those that followed him. So the question becomes what were the first things that were revealed? And again Aisha (RA) answers this question in the same hadith by stating that the first things to be revealed were verses regarding Paradise and Hell-fire.

To fully understand what Aisha (RA) was trying to convey we look towards Abdullah ibn Umar (RA) where he said:

We lived during an instant of time in which one of us would receive Imaan (faith) first before receiving the Qur’aan. And when the Surahs were revealed to (Prophet) Muhammad (SAW), we would learn what they permitted and what they prohibited and what they commanded and what they forbade and what should be the stance towards them. But I have seen many men, from whom one is given the Qur’aan before Imaan, and he reads it from the opening of the Book to its closing and he does not know what it orders and what it forbids and what should be his stance towards it. He is like someone who is just throwing out dates

This is such a powerful statement and perfectly encapsulates what the Prophet (SAW) set out to do during the initial stages of Islam. In fact major rulings of Halal and Haram didn’t come down until 17 years after the first revelation. For 17 years the Prophet (SAW) spent teaching his companions about Imaan, about fearing the hellfire and striving for the afterlife, about loving and wanting Allah’s mercy and accepting him as their Master and Creator. For 17 years Allah (SWT) and His Messenger spent cultivating, molding, and softening the hearts of the companions so that finally when the commandments came down it became easy for them to accept them because they had already accepted Allah and His messenger in their hearts.

This idea can further be strengthened and easier to understand when we look at how we treat our revert brothers and sisters. How many stories have we heard of someone accepting Islam and then being told to change their name/remove their tattoos/buy thobes etc. and we cringe at those stories. How about when we bombard them with all the rules and regulations and they feel so much pressure to learn and apply everything in such a short period of time. We understand that it takes time to understand, implement, internalize everything Islam has to offer and we do try to do our best to guide them through the process.

How come we can accept and understand that reverts need time to implement everything about Islam but when it comes those that are “born” Muslim we expect them to follow everything without question?

Now I’m not saying that we have to spend 17+ years on each individual before explaining to them the commands of Allah, but rather to point out that we need to change our focus on how we approach and teach others. Just think about it, how many of us are born Muslim and our parents have done nothing but constantly tell us things that we cannot. How many of us grow up feeling trapped/secluded/alone from the world around us because of all these restrictions. And when we ask to know why we have we can’t do certain things we aren’t given an answer but rather we are given a barrage of anger and a long lecture on how we’re disobedient children and should listen to our parents.

For the past 10+ years of doing youth work I cannot tell you how many times guys have come up to me and complain that they feel like Islam too restrictive on them. That they can’t ever do anything fun and how trying to be a good Muslim is incredibly difficult in today's society. I remember counseling a guy once who was questioning the existence of Allah(SWT) and how he felt that Allah didn’t exist. This same brother was someone who is a hafiz of Quran and even lead taraweeh at his local mosque, and I thought to myself how many others must there be like him. How many others were forced by their parents to memorize the Quran but were never taught Imaan.

We need to go back to how the Prophet (SAW) taught his companions Islam. We need to show our kids and the youth of tomorrow to love Allah and His Messenger. We need to show them love, compassion, mercy, and beauty that this deen holds so that they never feel like they are missing out on life and that Allah (SWT)is enough for them. We need to stop teaching our kids Islam like the cold, dried, disconnected ink of the books we read and go back to the warm, loving, and compassionate style of the Prophet (SAW).

During my early years of being a student of knowledge I was quick to point out the halal and haram to my peers without taking into account how the other party would receive such news. I’ve learned throughout my years that before I can give any type of advice to anyone, I must first understand where they are in their life. Put myself in their shoes, see what they are seeing, experience what they are experiencing. Now I know what I’m saying sounds like an impossible task because I will never truly understand what that person is going through but the closer I am to understanding their point of view, the better equipped I will be to give proper advice to that person if I am even able to give advice to that person.

We have to realize that something that may be small to us might be a big deal to them

It’s incredibly easy to call someone out and point out the haram, but it’s incredibly difficult to spend that time to help that person understand, internalize, and accept that what they are doing is not in accordance with the will of Allah and that they should submit themselves to Him.

And the last thing I want to end on (and this is something that I am constantly learning) is having the wisdom to know when to be content with where they are. Not everyone is ready to receive the advice that you give them and not everyone wants to be given that level of advice.

If you don’t have the wisdom to see that, you will find yourself doing more harm than good.