



To the shock of his parents, 3-year-old, Teddy Ruxpin, announced, "I hate Jesus!" after his little kitten died on Wednesday morning. The boy was immediately rushed to the Landover Baptist "Christian Crisis Center" where he was prayed over and slapped about the face for nearly 12 hours. Concerned pastors were appalled when the child refused to budge in his admonition. "I still hate Jesus!" he announced. "And I hate all of you, and I wish everyone was dead!" In fear of losing their church membership, Teddy's mother and father resorted to drastic measures that evening. "We locked him in a closet for the whole night," Mrs. Ruxpin said. "We told him, 'Teddy! you are not coming out of that closet until you tell us that you love Jesus!'" Mrs. Ruxpin reported that her child became abusive at that point, screaming through the closet wall like a limp-wristed nancy boy, telling his parents that they were a bunch of "(unChristian word) holes." The following day, little Teddy met with Christian child psychiatrist, Pastor Horace Wilkins. It took the reverend five minutes to diagnose the child. "It's demons," he concluded. "A whole mess of 'em, just runnin' around in that little boy's head. You need to get him out of my office, RIGHT NOW! He don't need no psychiatrist! He needs an exorcist!" An exorcism was arranged immediately. Teddy was tied to a bed and beaten across the back of his thighs with a bull whip as a last ditch effort to see if it was really demons that had gotten hold of him. With each beating, the child yelled out, "I hate you!" Those present were absolutely convinced that the demons inside the child were talking to Jesus! They stopped the beatings after several hours and began the exorcism. For nearly five days, the pastors labored over the boy's soul. They used boiling water and copper wires on his tiny privates. "We know where the Devil lives," said one pastor. "It doesn't take a degree in Demonology to know what Satan fancies." Hours later, the pastors began to realize that they were dealing with more than one demon. They had exhausted all of the power in the electric generator. The next step was to hang the boy from his toes and deprive him of food and drink. Pastor Deacon Fred recalls, "We read scripture for 48 hours, screaming it over the poor boy's cries of 'I hate you! I hate you!'" It was all to no avail. The demons refused to budge. The filthy child was given one last chance at the end. "We are going to give you one more chance to say you love Jesus or we are going to ship you off to North Dakota to the Landover Baptist Home for the Demonically Possessed!" the pastors yelled. The child only responded with pitiful demonic moans and blasphemous whispers. "I hate you..." he moaned, "I hate you... and I wish you were all dead..." The next day, the boy was caged up and put on a church bus headed to North Dakota. "Lord knows we tried," Pastor Deacon Fred told Teddy's parents. "It breaks my heart to have to ask you folks to leave, but we cannot take any chances with this little boy's immediate family. You folks could be demon magnets." Teddy's parents had two hours to pack up their belongings and vacate church property. "We don't know where the Ruxpins might go," Deacon Fred related. "All we know is that this church is demon free! Always has been, always will be."







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