Man Setting Date For Jesus's Return Has Clearly Never Opened His Bible

EMMETT, ID—According to sources close to self-described prophecy expert and King James Only pastor Pete Roland, it’s obvious that the man who claims he knows when Jesus is going to come back has clearly never once opened his Bible.

The man recently set the date of the rapture as September 23, based on astronomical observations and definitely not based on anything he has read in the Scriptures, since it’s pretty clear he’s never even been in the same room as a Bible.

“It’s coming tomorrow, so get ready!” a wide-eyed Roland said in an online video posted Friday, tipping his viewers off to the fact that he’s never read the Bible. “I know everyone else who ever predicted a date looked really silly after the fact, but this time I’m sure of it!”

“The guy totally missed all that stuff about not knowing the day or the hour,” one commentator said. “The only conclusion we can draw is that the guy has never even opened his Bible for any length of time at all.”

At publishing time, Roland had claimed that numerology could help Christians identify the Antichrist, providing further evidence that his knowledge of the scriptures is “pretty much zero.”

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