Steve Bruce has sensationally resigned as manager of Aston Villa. Having initially steadied the ship, his departure now leaves the Birmingham club as bookie’s favourite to be relegated.

Relieved

Bruce insists that he won’t be having second thoughts about his decision to walk away.

“I’m just glad it’s over,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I rang Tim Sherwood before I took the job, and he said, ‘Don’t do it Brucey, it’s a zoo. The club stinks of death and the fans are all cross-eyed weirdos.’ I thought Tim was exaggerating, but the moment you walk into Villa Park, a terrible sadness comes over you. It’s like all the pain, the suffering, the humiliation of being Aston Villa — it’s thick in the air. You can physically taste it — a sort of broccoli flavour.”

“It’s the saddest place I’ve ever set foot,” added Bruce. “I did a tour of Auschwitz a few years back, but Villa Park is on a whole other level. If the stadium could speak, with everything that’s happened on the pitch I honestly believe it would say that it has suffered enough and just wants to die now. Bulldozing it would be a mercy killing.”

Sherwood

Former manager Tim Sherwood has wasted no time throwing his hat into the ring to replace Bruce.

“I’ll happily come home, like the Prodigy Son,” said the former Spurs midfielder. “And I deny calling Villa a ‘zoo’. Think Stevie must have had a couple of shandies when we spoke, or is back smoking crack again. I might have called Villa a spunk-encrusted hellhole, but I have too much respect for the work of zookeepers to be slagging off zoos. Especially to Brucey when he’s been on the pipe.”

Fans

“I do admit calling Villa fans weirdos,” said Sherwood. “But deep down, aren’t we all weirdos? Last night I got down on all fours and sniffed my dog’s butt, to see if he’d think I was another dog. The missus walked in and thought something sexual was going on, so she scooped up the kids and moved in with her sister for the time being.”

“So as a weirdo myself, I understand exactly what makes Villa fans tick,” he added.