After nearly four decades of extensive research, scientists made a shocking discovery. Contrary to previous direction from medical professionals around the world, researchers have now concluded that men who are critical of women’s bodies actually do not deserve to be fucked in any way, shape, or form.

“At first, it was assumed that fucking these men was acceptable,” explains Dr. Rita Salmon, who began the prospective observational study at Columbia University in 1971. “But after further investigation, it turns out that nahhh. Nope. No way. Not even a little bit.”

According to the study, any man that comments on a woman’s shape, negs a woman at a bar, or catcalls her and then takes it back when he gets rejected actually does not deserve sex. In fact, the study made it clear that no one should suck on any part of them right now, or ever again if they continue saying things like, “You’d be exactly my type if you were smaller.”

“No, the data says these guys should not receive any good fucks,” continued Dr. Salmon. “Or bad ones honestly. BJs, HJs, butthole stuff. Scientifically, the only thing they deserve is a scoff, a sneer, and a lecture.”

The study was so thorough that it also looked into non-straight and non-male people as well. Gay men are included in the fuck ban unless you specifically asked them to comment on your appearance. Women who offer unsolicited remarks lose their fuck privileges as well. Basically, no one who says anything about the way anyone else looks should still remain a viable sex option.

“What if I don’t say anything technically negative, or balance it out by being like, ‘Most of you is hot except this one part?’” asked a man, Lyle Carriageman, “I really like being fucked, but I don’t know if I can give up hurting people’s feelings for no reason.”

For people like Carriageman who were still confused, the study very helpfully created a detailed list of people who do deserve a good fuck sesh: People who do not talk shit about other people’s bodies.

These people deserve to get their downstairses wet as long as they don’t suck for some other major reason. As for the men who do criticize women’s bodies, when reached for comment they all declined to speak. Which begs the question: Why couldn’t they just do that in the first place?