The Potteries has launched its bid into space – but Swansea’s plan to recreate Bonnie Tyler’s biggest hit on a beach may still win out

Can Peter Crouch and the world's strongest man put a rocket up Stoke's City of Culture plans?

Name: Stoke-on-Trent.

Age: 107, as it is actually six smaller towns that were conjoined in 1910.

Appearance: Could do with a few billion pounds of infrastructure investment, frankly.

How the hell is it going to come by that sort of money? By shooting a duck into space.

Eh? Well, it was only a rubber duck, and it wasn’t deep space.

Right, so Stoke isn’t embarking on a remake of Howard the Duck? No, it was the launch event for its bid to be UK City of Culture 2021.

The Howard the Duck thing sounded more believable. It is one of five cities in the running, the others being Sunderland, Coventry, Paisley and Swansea. The duck was symbolic of the typically Stoke phrase “Cheer up, duck”, and the balloon and cradle used to launch it were designed by a local manufacturing firm, to showcase its long tradition of manufacturing genius.

Come to think of it, that is unsurprising, given how the town birthed Wedgwood pottery, still hosts the British Ceramics Biennial, and is regarded as “the home of the Spitfire”. It’s certainly what the bidders would like us to focus on, rather than the chronic malaise that has meant Stoke-on-Trent Central was the only constituency to register below a 50% voter turnout at the 2015 general election, and recorded the highest leave vote in the country.

It’ll still have to get its skates on to beat Sunderland. Swansea may be more of a challenge – its backers include Rhys Ifans and its list of proposed cultural activities should it win includes “acting out scenes from the film Twin Town and thousands recreating Bonnie Tyler’s biggest hit on a beach”.

Has Stoke heard from Robbie Williams at all? Not yet. And now that Lemmy from Motörhead is dead, its celebrity count seems to have stalled at Peter Crouch, seen in the official launch video.

Nick Hancock quit showbiz to sell mortgages, too. So who’s left? The launch video also features Eddie Hall, currently the world’s strongest man.

Strong. It’ll need to be – less than a decade since UK City of Culture began, the competition is fierce. The five bidders were whittled down from an initial longlist of 11. Hull is said to have reaped a £60m boost to the economy this year alone – the Hull Maritime Museum has seen footfall increase 500%. Plus, the winner gets £3m in direct grant from the Heritage Lottery Fund.

That buys an awful lot of Bonnie Tyler beach singing. When will we know who has won? At a presentation in Hull in December.

Where is the duck now? Last seen pointing the neutron disintegrator at the Dark Overlord, muttering “No more mister nice duck …””

Do say: “Cheer up, duck.”

Don’t say: “Cheer up, it may never happen.”