The only dog I’ve ever liked has neck cancer.

I know some of the 168,374 people who follow this weird tumblr I never update like animals. I myself am remarkably ambivalent on the subject, despite what this website’s existence might lead you to believe. I think a lifetime of sporadically owning cats has clued me in to the fact that animals secretly and/or openly hate us, and that makes it hard to trust them. Also, being a “cat guy” has naturally lead me to spurn dogs because dogs are morons. While the dog I am about to speak of certainly won’t change that opinion anytime soon, she is the only dog I can ever remember genuinely liking and thinking, “Hey, if I was a dog I’d date this dog.” Her name is Ruby and she might be familiar to you.

Cute dog, right?

You don’t know the half of it, whippersnapper. Not only is she so stupid she’s magically beautiful, her dumb idiot face actually smiles due to some weird musculoskeletal abnormality, so when you’re like, “Oh man, you are dumb. How dumb are you?” she will pull the sides of her mouth up at the corners and grin like, “So dumb. I am the dumbest thing with legs.”

So Ruby has some sort of neck lump, and my pal Stacey would like to make sure it doesn’t become a heart lump or a lymph lump, and asked me to ask you if you would toss her a few bucks to make sure our mutual friend Ruby continues to be able to grin creepily and eat poop and leave an ocean of annoying hair all over everything she brushes against for years to come.

So if you’re feeling Christmas-y and loving and don’t want to spend money on your horrible family, like this dog and give it a fiver or whatever. It’s a nice holiday type thing to do and you can kick back with your own house animal and know that you’ve made a difference in someone’s day.

That someone being Ruby, a truly lovable moron of a dog.

Cheers,

Justin V.

PS: Also, Merry Christmas since I’ll probably forget to mention it on actual Christmas. Hope you’re all doing well. Feel free to send an email along to atiacbook@gmail.com and let me know how you’ve been.