It is almost two years since Paul Warne was lounging in the foyer of Rotherham United’s stadium when the chief operating officer walked in and gently suggested to the fitness coach that a swift costume change might be necessary given that he was about to be named the caretaker manager following Kenny Jackett’s surprising resignation. “I was literally sitting in an elf’s outfit,” Warne says, laughing. “It was for a promotional video for the club shop. I’d gone from probably one of the best elves this side of the North Pole to having that dream taken off me and becoming the manager.”

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It is a tag that has stuck with Warne, twice a striker for the club, whom he led back to the Championship last season. An accidental manager, he describes himself as a Marmite character but over an hour of refreshingly candid conversation that spans Malcolm X and crying his way through Mamma Mia 2 to growing up near the Norfolk Broads and devouring his grandmother’s sugar-coated rock cakes, it is difficult not to warm to Warne.

His first months in the job were tough; he chomped at his gums, ground his teeth and woke up spitting blood. These days, he is more confident in his own skin. “I’m trying to give myself a bit of time so I’m not making myself ill. When we lost, I would come home and my kids wouldn’t even speak to me, which is horrendous to say aloud.

My daughter once said to me on a Saturday night: ‘Dad, when are you going to click out of this mood?’ I said: ‘I don’t know, sweetheart’ and she said: ‘Well, are you going to be all right by Tuesday?’ That broke my heart. I was thinking: ‘Oh my God.’”

Warne, a latecomer to the professional game at 23, once alluded to himself as a managerial fraud and although he dismisses that thought now, he says he still feels like the new boy at school. It is a salient comparison given he has a sports science and business degree and is a qualified teacher; he taught A-level students in evenings at the Thomas Rotherham College in the twilight of his playing career after completing a PGCE at Huddersfield University in 2011.

As Warne, a lover of NFL and ice hockey, puts it, he is constantly magpieing. He is reading Ego is the Enemy and Carlo Ancelotti’s book Quiet Leadership and on away trips the club carry a replica Rotherham badge to roll out in the dressing room, the result of a conversation he had with his friend Paul Thompson, the Sheffield Steelers coach. Warne has an invitation to go Doncaster prison to speak about his philosophies.

He is demanding, obsessed with trying to be the best but, above all, he cares. He tells of his frustration at the stiffness of football, its barriers, and questions whether the game thinks it is elite. Warne finds it all a little frightening. He wants his squad to have empathy for one another, for his players to know each other almost inside out.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Rotherham United’s Ryan Manning celebrates scoring against Derby County. Photograph: Ed Sykes/Reuters

This summer they had a barbecue for the players and their families, with a bouncy castle for kids, but more intriguing was a round of initiations with a difference: Warne asked each squad member to give a presentation about what motivates them. He went first, talking about how his grandfather inspired him.

“He was just a brilliant guy, he had time for everybody, he was selfless …” Warne says, his voice cracking. “He didn’t have anything in terms of financial wealth but was the wealthiest, happiest man I knew. I always remember my dad said to me: ‘You shouldn’t judge a man by what he has, what cash he has or what car he has, you judge a man by how many people turn up to his funeral.’ And my granddad’s funeral was packed.

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“I also spoke about my father; I broke down a little bit and got emotional. My dad’s not very well at the moment and I spoke to the lads about that. I said: ‘Look, I want to be the best I can be every day so my dad is proud of me.’ I live thinking: ‘What would my granddad do?’ I wanted to try and do it a bit differently and look at each other as human beings and men, and not just football friends.

“I think a lot of the camaraderie is based on fake, I don’t believe they genuinely like each other at times because they are competing for places. One of the lads said about his son; one said about how his best mate died in front of them; one said about some suicide in his family. I’m not saying it makes them better footballers but their emotional intelligence is important.”

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Warne has surrounded himself with players and staff who share his values. “With the size of our club in the division, we have to make sure we sign the best players we can afford, but they have to be amazing people. We have to get every sinew out of them. I have a social responsibility to make them good people. If someone said that one of my players blanked them in Tesco’s or wouldn’t have their photo taken with them, I would be heartbroken because that’s just disgusting. The lads know that.”

For Warne, whose Rotherham side travel to Nottingham Forest on Saturday, the aim this season is Championship survival. They have won four of their five home matches and victory on the road will not only foster momentum but ease any awkward conversations on Sunday morning, when he watches his son, Mack, play for the club’s under-15s. “If we lose I get that look of: ‘Sorry about yesterday’, like on Friends when they dip the shoulder and tilt their head to one side. It’s awful. I normally try and stand on my own, so that nobody has to do that embarrassing eye contact with me.”

Talking points

• It was all change at Ipswich this summer with the arrival of Paul Hurst, plus 12 new players – seven of whom have been picked up from lower down the food chain – but things are yet to click. Winless in nine matches, Hurst knows time is precious.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Action from Ipswich’s 1-1 draw with Brentford on Tuesday. Photograph: Georgie Kerr/News Images/Rex/Shutterstock

• For a team that fell just two points short of the play-offs last campaign, Preston have underwhelmed so far, without a league win since the opening day. Alex Neil made a couple of eye-catching summer signings, including Manchester City pair Lukas Nmecha and Brandon Barker, but the loanees have yet to gel. “We do have to get ourselves out of the rut we’re in at the moment,” Neil says.

• Few players have made more of a splash in League One than Portsmouth forward Ronan Curtis. The 22-year-old, signed from Derry City this summer, has scored five and set up another four, helping Kenny Jackett’s side to the summit and earning himself a Republic of Ireland call-up.