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IRELAND has begun to question its reliance on alcohol as it’s intoxicant of choice, after hearing nothing but good reports about the energy-packed euphoric goodness of that sweet, sweet cocaine.

Once considered a ‘rich man’s drug’, cocaine use has grown in Ireland along with the economy in recent years, with Ireland now the ‘best little country in the world’ in which to snort a rail of white from a cistern lid while your mates queue up behind you while keeping sketch at the toilet door.

With numbers of cocaine users on the rise across all demographics, genders and economic classes, it’s safe to say that the days of heading to the pub for a ‘few pints’ could soon be replaced by heading to the pub toilets for a ‘few lines’, jokes cocaine expert Marcus Weissman.

“The rise of coke usage in Ireland is the feel-good story of the year” beamed Wessman. “You’ve got farmers doing lines off cattle, parents doing coke at their kid’s Confirmation parties, lads dusting rails at U21 GAA matches; it’s everywhere”.

“The days of quietly sipping pints of alcohol in the pub are over; in a few years you’ll have the Kinahan’s sponsoring F1 cars like Marlboro in the 80s. Grrrrrrrrrrrawwwwaaaaaarggh” he concluded, before taking a little bump.