Swimming pools, tennis courts, piles of manure, lawnmowers: what haven't we paid for? No wonder MPs are so reluctant to cut taxes. How could we afford them if they did? Should I want to vote Conservative at the election – and stranger things have happened – I should need to vote for Sir Alan Haselhurst, who finishes off a fine left and right for the Commons by also being its deputy speaker. Sir Alan has spent £12,000 on a gardener, something no doubt imperative for the successful commission of his parliamentary duties. How should I, and the other electors of the Saffron Walden division, regard him when – or if – he offers himself next time? It's a devil of a job to get staff in the country, so perhaps if his chap finishes early one day he might nip round and tidy up some of Mrs Heffer's flower beds for us? After all, we have paid his wages. And perhaps Sir Alan might like to help out with our mortgage, too? He doesn't have one, and yet has claimed £142,000 on his property in the past eight years. I doubt I will be the only one hoping for a dividend from this massive investment we have funded – not that that would inspire us to vote for him even then.