Normally, I wouldn’t go out of my way to bring attention to an internet dating site, but this time I think we can make an exception. You see, eHarmony recently put out a list of the 15 reasons why you should date a cyclist. As we all know, there are countless more reasons, but it’s nice to see the rest of the world taking notice of just how awesome we all are [insert internet sarcasm here]. The eHarmony list is entertaining enough, but then a cyclist by the name of Andrew Stackhouse replied with his own list that definitely wins the internet for the day.

See what it really means to date a cyclist, at least according to Andrew after the break…

The eHarmony List as written by eHarmony staff:

1. Two words: bicycle shorts. 2. It’s science: Cyclists are hot. A recent study found that cyclists who excelled in the Tour de France are perceived as more attractive than other athletes — and that the top 10 percent of cyclists “is about 25 percent more attractive than the lowest 10 percent.” Maybe fast is the new rich? 3. Cyclists are smart. According to a recent Mindlab survey, most people view cyclists as 13 percent more intelligent than the average person. 4. Cyclists are good. According to the same survey, cyclists are generally viewed as 10 percent more charitable than non-cyclists. 5. Your date will be around for a while. Pro cyclists live, on average, 6.3 more years than non-cyclists. (Um, as long as they don’t get hit by a car.) 6. Cyclists are handy. After years of honing bike-maintenance skills, your date will be up for fixing things around the house, too. 7. The great outdoors. If you’re sick of dating indoor cats, date a cyclist. You’ll get reacquainted with nature. And maybe even travel a little more. 8. Cyclists are committed — and don’t accept defeat. Hopefully this extends to their pursuit of relationship success, too. 9. No lazy bums here, just toned ones. Cyclists are disciplined, often rigorously so, and will withstand the elements to get their rides in. 10. Cyclists are constantly setting goals for themselves. If you want a forward-thinking date, look no further. 11. Cyclists have great near-death-experience stories to share, which is also why they’re also sticklers about safety. 12. You can start cycling, too! Your date will be thrilled to share his/her enthusiasm for the sport. In fact, the whole family can join in, should the two of you eventually procreate. 13. Cyclists don’t call in sick. According to a 2013 survey by the National Cycle Network, cyclists take half the number of sick days as their public transportation-riding colleagues. 14. Think your date’s obsession with the open road is a little over-the-top? He’s saner than you think. Studies have shown that vigorous exercise like cycling can boost concentration and memory while reducing stress and anxiety. The bike is good for his brain. 15. Love the planet? Cycling is as green as it gets.

… And here is Andrew Stackhouse’s Epic Reply:

As an avid cyclist who could, in the broadest sense of the term, be deemed a “professional,” and, more importantly, as someone who is incredibly vain and insecure about how he is perceived by the opposite sex (my wife isn’t reading this, right), let me be the first person to help fix what is clearly the wanton misconceptions of cyclists by the hack-internet-survey responding public. To wit, my line-by-line critique: 1) No woman, ever, ever, evereverever, has looked at a dude’s sweaty bulge, semi-transparent crack covering, or dawn-over-the-sahara tan lines and said, “THAT looks like dating material.” 2) I’m pretty sure women’s tennis is the only sport where mediocre athletes are considered more attractive than all-stars. 3) There is nothing smart about eagerly spending thousands of dollars on bike parts to shave grams. GRAMS. (side note: cyclists exclusively use the metric system, which is also super hot) 4) Cycling is the only amateur sport where advanced-beginner old guys demand cash prizes for finishing in the top ten. That makes yachting look charitable. 5) Oh, eHarmony, you rascals, it IS funny that the only socially acceptable form of murder is killing a cyclist with a car. P.S. eHarmony is Match.com for ugly people. 6) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA [note: my wife submitted this one] 7) Just to be clear, dating a bike racer is not going to involve leisurely outings in the alps, its going to involve getting up before dawn, driving five hours to the middle of nowhere, then spending the remainder of the day standing on a deserted corner with a water bottle waiting for your date. If the children of the corn don’t get to you first, you will get to spend the ride home being yelled at because he dropped the bottle you tried to hand him as he blazed by at mach 3. Before suggesting “why not just carry one more bottle yourself,” see Line Item 3, above. 8) In the face of defeat, cyclists are rather notorious for cheating. 9) Like Great Danes, cyclists look hard working, but pretty much spend all their non-cycling time eating and sleeping. Unlike Great Danes, they whine. A lot. 10) Cyclist’s goals are often related to body fat percentage. Women LOVE guys that talk about fat. 11) Someone who is safety conscious has had, at most, one near death experience, and they don’t consider it “great.” If you gleefully recount multiple said stories, you are not safety conscious, you are member of the Dauntless Faction. 12) Your date will be thrilled to share his enthusiasm for all things cycling related: bicycles, bicycle parts, bicycle riders, bicycles races, bicycles, bicycles, BICYCLES! If you mistakenly try to actually ride a bike with your date, it will either be on a “recovery day” when, despite the pace and distance being roughly double what you agreed to, he will whine about his training, or during the “off season” which will be even longer, faster rides that take place while it is snowing out. 13) Sure, your date may make it to work, but after being up all night picking gravel out of his butt, you won’t. 14) I’m pretty sure the definition of insanity is a dude who shaves his legs while having internet fights about which $3,000 wheels are “fastest.” 15) Your date, like a hemp-wearing vegan Prius driver, will never, ever, let you forget how green he is. Ever. Addendum: All of the above critiques apply to male cyclists.

Any woman on a bike is the most hottests thing evers.

EVERS.

Thanks for the laugh Andrew!