CARDINAL Keith O’Brien’s ferocious hatred of gay marriage may actually be rather sweet and sad, it has been confirmed.

As Britain’s biggest catholic was accused of being ‘inappropriate’ with priests, experts said that if you did not see this coming you have spent the last five years on a tiny South Pacific island after surviving a shipwreck.

Julian Cook, professor of smokescreens at Roehampton University, said: “I’m not saying that he’s definitely been bottling it up. I’m just saying that’s what I think definitely happened. And I’m not saying it’s obvious, I’m just saying that it seems obvious.

“Really, really obvious.”

Martin Bishop, a very nice gay man, said: “I can’t decide whether I want to give him a cuddle or a good talking to and then a cuddle.

“He’ll try to pull away at first and call me horrible names, but I’ll hold on to him very tightly and then eventually he’ll just give in and let himself be cuddled.

“And I’ll say to him, ‘if God thinks you’re wrong then he wasn’t really your friend anyway’.”

Psychologist Jane Thompson said: “Which came first – the inappropriate chicken or the egg that’s ashamed of itself?

“Think of this poor man reading an article about a gay couple then proclaiming they were ‘abhorrent’ while all the time he’s thinking, ‘Christ, they look fantastic together’.

“Catholic guilt is amazing stuff. You could use it to clean an oven.”