Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has reshuffled his volatile administration once again, this time firing his Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin and appointing his White House physician Ronny Jackson to the role.

This leaves a vacancy in the physician role, and White House staffers are afraid that literally no one on Earth, least of all an American citizen accustomed to a first-world standard of living, wants to take on the duties of monitoring the bodily health of Mr. Trump.

“Have you seen that guy’s physique?” asked a White House hiring official who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the challenges of her job. “The only current requirement for the job as the President’s doctor is to daily watch Trump eat eight big macs across three meals. It’s proven extremely difficult to coax any ambitious bureaucrats to interview for the job, and fully impossible to find a candidate with a hearty enough stomach to get through a meal with the President without vomiting. And, meanwhile, the only other thing for the physician to do is make idle small talk with Trump as he insists his beach body is better than Obama’s ever was while guzzling enough diet cokes each day for the ‘diet’ aspect of the name to not really apply.”

Another hiring staffer for the White House explained that the job description of the White House physician has changed dramatically during Mr. Trump’s tenure as President.

“The job used to involve drafting detailed dietary plans, varying workout regimens, and frequent health checkups, but with Trump the job’s responsibilities have dwindled,” explained the second staffer. “The White House physician is now basically just a glorified fast food drive-through orderly. It’s difficult to tell from press conferences and photo-ops in the Oval Office, but Trump’s hands are perpetually greasy from fried foods. Future historians will be able to tell which preserved legislation Trump signed simply because the bills are covered in yellow and orange finger stains from whatever condiments were on the burger Trump happened to be eating while signing.”

The search to replace Trump’s personal physician, however, continues.

(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)

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