You’re My Friend First, My Revenue Stream Second

Dear Jenna,

I want to start off by letting you know you’re one of my best and most trusted friends. As you may know, due to my strong social media presence, I recently became a sponsor for JuiceTox Miracle Cleansing Detox drinks. JuiceTox is an all-natural, juice-based detox drink that helped me shave three inches off my waistline in just two weeks without any exercise or other dietary supplements! But I want to assure you that you will always be a friend to me first… and only secondarily do I think of you as a revenue stream and/or a demographic data point for advertisers.

We’ve had far too many good times together for me to ever think of you as anything other than a great friend. Remember our trip up north to the cabin? We took some of the most outrageous pictures on that trip. There’s that one of me doing a “sexy” pose, covered in pepperoni pizza! And there’s that other one where you got cropped out, but I’m balancing a glass of red wine on my butt! And there’s that third one where you weren’t ready for the picture and you’re making a hideous face like you’re trying to take a poop in the background, but I was spraying the hose on my chest and whipping my hair through the air! Oh my gosh were those funny. I look back at those pictures all the time because I cherish them as memories with my closest friends… and not to bask in the carefully curated lifestyle I have created for myself.

I received a ton of feedback on those pictures when I posted them. Everyone loved them. Is there a reason you didn’t “like” those pictures? I only ask because I want to make sure you were able to relive those memories… and not because I have a financial stake in how receptive my audience is to my content.

We need to take another trip soon! Have you ever been to Phoenix? I was just there a few months ago and it was AMAZING! I actually posted a couple pictures from that trip. You should check them out. There’s this one I took on a hike called the Devil’s Bridge. It was so high and so scary! When we were finished with that hike the only thing I could think of to help me calm down was a refreshing glass of all-natural juice with less than fifteen grams of sugar. Juice is the best, isn’t it? As long as you’re looking at that picture, you should check out the product that I linked to in the description. It’s the JuiceTox Two-Week Starter Pack. Only $40.99 and free shipping with promo code: BOOTY. I think you would really like it.

Random question: On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you for Christmas this year? I miss the days when our families would get together on Christmas night and play board games. Are you going home to visit your parents and grandparents this year? I know I am! I adore Christmas. It’s such a wonderful time of the year to celebrate family, friends, and the spirit of giving. There’s nothing I love more than curling up by the fire with a glass of cold juice, gazing deeply into the fiery inferno as I try to forget that I haven’t eaten solid food in eight days, and wrapping up in a warm blanket while I suppress the creeping worry that it’s all for nothing and that humanity is doomed to a fate of isolation and slow, cold death as all light and energy in the universe cease to exist.

And you know what… as long as I’m asking totally random questions: On a scale of 1-10, how likely would you be to recommend my profile to your friends? Do you appreciate how the color scheme correlates to the season? Is there anything else about my life that you’d like to see “candid" photos of? Do you “get” that the captions are witty and clever, and meant to display my unique sense of humor? Are there too many, or not enough, tasteful pictures of my butt?

And I guess one more totally random question couldn’t hurt: on a scale of 1-10, how interested would you be in receiving promotional information about any of the following products or services:

Fast food restaurants

Natural male enhancement

Exotic vacation destinations

Routine car maintenance

Luxury dog sweaters

Sorry, I feel like I’m starting to ramble. It’s so great to catch up! Let me know about Phoenix! Tell your mom I said hi, and don’t forget that bikini season is sooner than you think and it’s never too early to start trimming belly fat! Can’t wait to hear back from you.

Love,

Your good friend and go-to source for juice-based detox information