MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate. “The moment Scott Walker said he was suspending his campaign, there they were, smiling and waving to the crowd—it was incredibly frightening,” said local resident Jordan Ottinger, who recalled the wave of terrified gasps that washed over the room when those in attendance began to realize that the clean-cut middle-aged men in suits who suddenly showed up behind Walker were each accompanied by a full staff of aides and supporters holding campaign signs. “They just materialized, fully formed and already talking about conservative values. The scariest thing is that Walker was clearly defeated, but these candidates look fresh and strong, like they might have enough money and support to keep campaigning all the way to the primaries. My God, what do we do?” Sources confirmed that the crowd then began screaming and scattered in fear as the three new candidates descended from the dais and attempted to shake their hands.

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