







Port Charlotte, Florida





On the evening of August 17, 2012, police were called to a Walmart parking lot to investigate a possible medical emergency. When the officers arrived on the scene, they found 52-year-old John David Crider passed out in the driver's seat of a 1996 Ford station wagon.





In addition to the fact that the car's engine was still running ...and it was parked halfway on a curb and halfway in a handicap space...the Ultra Duster spray can in Crider's hand was a dead give away that he had been "huffing".





When police got the door unlocked and reached inside the car, Crider promptly awoke, put the spray can to his mouth, and sprayed even more chemicals into his mouth.









Much worse than huffing with whip cream...

...and probably not nearly as delicious.













Fortified by his newly destroyed brain cells, Crider decided to make a break for it. But before he could put the car completely in gear, the police were able to remove him from the vehicle. After searching the car, they found a large amount of cash and drugs. When a resisting arrest charge was added to his multiple probation violations , Crider had more than earned a stay in the county lock up for a while.





Charlotte County Sheriff's Office

A 52-year-old man that bleaches his hair platinum blonde:

One of the strongest anti-drug messages you will ever see.









Unfortunately, there seemed to be an innocent victim in all this; Crider's friend, 52-year-old Denise DeHart Isaacs-Hall . It was her car that Crider had been found in, and now it was about to get impounded. The police, however, let Denise have her wheels back.





After the officers left the scene, Denise walked back into the the very same Walmart (where she had been shopping while Crider toke his own personal trip to Mars), put approximately $1,200 worth of items in her cart, and left the store without paying for any of it...in the exact same Ford station wagon that her friend had just been arrested in.









An observant Walmart manager (or a "unicorn", as they are known colloquially) got Denise's license plate number and called the authorities. When the police tracked her down, she tried to claim that she had bought the items , but was unable to produce any receipts. She was subsequently arrested as well.





At least her hair looked better than John's.





Embedded below is a local news report about the incident. While this one stays away from the mistakes that most other stations make with these types of stories (interviews with random people, bad puns, etc) they do manage to kick things up a notch by reenacting John Crider's terrible parking job.