I’ve had various responses from people when they find out my girlfriend is a transgender woman. Mostly, people don’t fucking care. Genuinely; I love that. Of course they’re polite, and courteous with the questions they follow up with; but from most people I get the vibe that they don’t really care that she’s trans. They’re glad I’m happy, and they’re polite, but it doesn’t impact their lives in anyway – so why should they care about the fact that she is trans, right?

Most people do not really take much interest in others lives, not beyond the conservation you’ll share on a particular matter at least. When you talk, you’ll offer opinions, and advice, but realistically, the day after a friend tells you about his new dog, or that he’s going to be a god parent and does not quite know what that is going to mean, you don’t really give it much thought. It does not impact your life directly, so why should you spend any more time than necessary thinking about it?

That is exactly how many of my friends and family seem to feel about the fact that I have a transgender girlfriend. I said it above, but I’ll say it again, I fucking love that.

They just accept that fact, ask how we met, what she does, all normal questions you’d ask someone that just told you about his new girlfriend. Then, after we say our goodbyes, they don’t really think about it again – as far as I can tell.

Except.

That is only what I’d like to tell you. But I can’t tell you that, because it’s not entirely true. Most of it is, and I could tell you this, and keep this next part to myself, but I want to be honest. This IS how most people act, and feel, but there’s one part I left out.

The part where they ask me if she has a penis still.

A question that I can understand people may be curious about. Why, though? Are you planning to look? Planning to seduce her and steal her from me? Why the FUCK do you care about MY girlfriends genitals? Why?

It’s not even really my business, it’s her business. We have a good relationship, and we have a good time in bed together. That already is far more than anyone other than us, the individuals in our relationship, need to know.

People will ask in the most respectful, polite manner they can; I respect that at least, but if you’re respectful enough to realise it’s a question you may need to be tender while asking, then you should know better than to ask. In my opinion, there is absolutely no need to ask me that.

My best friends, who I love and trust completely, I do and will talk about this with. Because they are my best friends, they have my trust, and it’s a dialogue I choose to open up with them.

Edit: I want to add here, if you are a friend of mine reading this know that if we ever spoke about this, firstly it’s okay, and secondly none of you have done this to me. A few of you have asked, ”May I ask a personal question?” and knowing what that’s likely to be, if I said yes and we spoke about it then that’s because I was happy to talk about that with you. For the most part here I’m not talking about any of you, basically if you know we are friends, however long we have known each other, its all good. If I didn’t want to talk about it I would have said!

I do think a little part of it is ignorance, do you think my girlfriend would be more of a female if she had a vagina? If you’re so curious as to her femininity, ask me to see a picture of her. I’ll gladly show you a picture, she is beautiful and everyone agrees. Having a vagina is no indication of ”how female” she is or isn’t. I’m not deluded, and in fact our opinions differ slightly here, but while it isn’t accurate to describe her as a biological female it is entirely accurate to describe her as female. She. Is. A. Woman. This is what people are alluding to when they ask about her genitals, they are asking if she is a female or not. Ridiculous, in my opinion, for a few reasons.

Firstly, why do you care? Pretty simple, right? What difference does it make to you?

Secondly, why do you think it matters? I understand, I called her my girlfriend. I did not call her my transgender girlfriend, that would be accurate; but ludicrous and very, very insensitive to her, so I never would do such a thing. I can see how some people may find it easier to think of her as a transgender female, its fine, because that’s true. However, spend even thirty seconds in her company and you’ll struggle to view her in any way but as a female.

For transgender people, getting validation and acceptance in their gender is, I believe, a big thing. So if you want to be accepting, and polite, don’t start by asking something like that. There are way more interesting things to ask anyway. What do you want to hear when you ask about a transgender female’s genitals? Do you want to hear, ”No, her penis magically disappeared the moment she chose to transition”?

It can be a very very very discomforting thing to talk about. You wouldn’t ask her to her face, so why do you feel comfortable asking me?

I think another part of it is that people want to ask me if I’m gay. Clearly, no, I’m attracted to her. She’s female in appearance, I’m attracted to her looks, I’m attracted to a female, ergo I am not gay. I would have no problem being gay, I wouldn’t care and I guess I am bisexual anyway, but that’s not the point.

It ultimately comes down to the vast majority of people not knowing anything about transgender females/males really. I’ll admit to knowing very little before I met my girlfriend.

At least, though, people are accepting of us the majority of the time. I’ve had people say horrible things, try to get to me, someone threatened to end our friendship over it even. I don’t think you need to guess but she wasn’t even dignified with a, ”Fuck off ” for a response.

So all in all, things aren’t so bad. They could be better, and people could be more thoughtful but in time I’m hopeful we will see that change.