Children's books tend to teach lessons no more complicated than "be nice," "share," or " shitting is awesome ." The problem comes when some authors try to get clever and end up writing books that leave their young readers more confused, uninformed, or straight-up traumatized than they were before. Then those kids grow up to become children's book writers, and the cycle continues. That's how we get innocent-looking books that hide baffling lessons like ...

5 Little Zizi -- "Your Parents Think You Have a Tiny Penis"

Lenain/Poulin/Cinco Puntos Press

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Look, we're just gonna come out and say it: Little Zizi is about a kid who gets made fun of because of his embarrassingly small dick.

Lenain/Poulin/Cinco Puntos Press

From zero to blurred child penis in two paragraphs. Strap in, everybody.

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From the official description at Amazon: "Is it true that in the littlest of packages come the greatest gifts?" (Pun definitely intended.) The protagonist is a grade school kid named Martin whose life turns into a living hell when a voyeuristic bully spies on him while he's changing. The bully exposes Martin's "little zizi" to the rest of the class and remarks on how useless and pathetic it is, as opposed to his weenus, which is apparently the Washington Monument with veins.

Finally, the bully and Martin engage in a pissing contest -- as in, a literal urinating competition, which Martin loses despite the intensity of his Rocky-style training montage.

Lenain/Poulin/Cinco Puntos Press

Lenain/Poulin/Cinco Puntos Press