You may have heard of something called "life hacking." This may have disoriented and frightened you, just like that soda they used to make with little balls of tapioca floating in it. That's OK – we're here to clear up your blemished psyche with a generous, oleaginous dose of information.

What is life hacking? Is it like computer hacking? Is someone going to break into my life? Will my dog like him better than me?

OK, hold on, one question at a time. Life hacking has little or nothing to do with home invasion. It's the practice of using clever little tips and tricks to make your life easier, more efficient or more productive.



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Really? That sounds kind of familiar. Hasn't it been around for a while?

Yes, previously it was known as Hints From Heloise.

But life hacking is different, right?

Judge for yourself. As I write this, the top entry at lifehacker.com is "10 uses for lemons."

Yeah, but they're like cool techno-uses for lemons, like overclocking your Wii or shorting out surveillance cameras, right?

"No. 8 - Freshen up your dishwasher."

So why is it called life hacking?

Because a new name makes it sound like a new idea. Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."

Does life hacking have any uses unrelated to the freshness of my appliances?

Oh, sure. You can apply the term "life hacking" to nearly anything to make it sound clever and hypermodern! In fact, that last sentence was itself a life hack! You know how sometimes you just eat the ramen out of the pan instead of pouring it into a bowl? Using the same fork you stirred it with? You're life hacking, bunky!

Yeah, OK, but I was looking for something more than a new word for my current slovenly habits. Can I get some actual tips here?

Sure, popular life-hacking blogs include the aforementioned lifehacker.com, 43folders.com, and our own howto.wired.com. (Life hack: Plugging other sections of the site puts your editors in a better mood when you submit your expense-reimbursement form.)

What will life hacking do for me?

Productivity is within your grasp! Using life hacking tips, you can compress the activities of your daily life into less time, freeing up untold hours to spend reading life-hacking blogs, which in turn will allow you to compress your activities further, freeing up more time to read about life hacking, and so forth. Eventually, and with proper dedication, your life will be condensed into a productivity singularity, an activity so dense that fun cannot escape.

That doesn't sound so bad. That will give me a lot of time to do the things I enjoy, won't it?

That's the problem. Once your reach that point you'll be compelled to life hack even the things you enjoy. Do you like the zoo? Say goodbye to leisurely afternoons wandering from tamarin to tortoise. Once you reach the life-hacking event horizon, you'll be plotting combinatorially optimized zoo routes to maximize exposure to infant vertebrates while minimizing exposure to ecological screeds about endangered wetlands.

But I wouldn't do that! That doesn't happen to everyone, does it?

Yeah, and you can do meth without losing your teeth and ending up in the "disgusting yet amusing mug shot" section of The Smoking Gun. Is it really worth the risk?

Does this really happen to people? What do they do with the spare time they've created?

Well, borderline cases just start life-hacking blogs. In more extreme situations, you might end up writing a book, or in the worst case, giving motivational speeches to bored workers at administratively mandated, unpaid "team building" retreats.

Oh no, no! Good Spirit, are these the shadows of the Things That Will Be, or are they shadows of Things That May Be, only?

It's not too late to mend your ways and dedicate yourself to inefficiency and ineptitude. In fact, I started a blog for recovering life hackers, but I never got around to updating it. I suggest that you follow my example. But first, have some ramen.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a major-domo, a major leaguer and a majorette.