As the day of the wedding draws closer, the tension between us grows. I can’t explain the apprehension I feel. I know I love Gussie, and I’ve never been so sure about spending my life with someone. But still… Every time he brings up the topic I just go off my rocker. I hate this side of myself. I just don’t want to talk about guest lists, cakes, music, venues… none of these. Why can’t this just be simple and take care of itself?

I had my bachelorette party last weekend. Alani and Li Lo organized it. I was sort of hoping that Gracie will come. I haven’t seen her for months – ever since I called her after my birthday party and told her I know what happened. She just hung up and disappeared.

I tried to enjoy my party, but it was hard. I felt distracted. When Alani made a speech, I missed half of it.

When the dancer arrived I hoped it will shake everyone up. But it was a disaster. When I started dancing on the counter, he told me off for stealing his show.

During the week I was irritable. Whenever Gussie and I talked, it ended in an argument. It was awful.

His bachelor party was yesterday. I’m not sure what happened there, because I have not spoken to him since last night, when I found him dancing on the kitchen counter at 3am, completely drunk, slurring some love song.

I told him, I don’t want to see him upstairs. I just had one of those moments again. When I came downstairs this morning, he was still passed out on the couch. I felt really bad, and just wanted to hug him… But I resisted. I did not want to be the first one to give in.

Quincy sent me some pictures though. Apparently there was a fight between Gussie and Ben over me. They threw punches at each other, and after Gussie nearly broke a bottle on Ben’s head they became best friends again.

When I called Ben to check if he’s okay, I heard someone giggling in the background.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know Tyra is with you”, I said.

“Tyra?”, he sounded a bit groggy. There were some muffled sounds again, and then Ben was back. “I broke up with Tyra last week. But I met this girl last night, at Gussie’s party. She’s really cool…”

“Well, I won’t keep you from her then. Have fun, you guys!”

Somewhat amused, I went through Quincy’s pictures again.

If I don’t count Angel, and Jacqui – who are both over 60 -, the only girl I could see was the stripper, and she– according to the shots – was hitting on Gussie half the night. Poor Ben. I hope his new “romance” won’t cost him an arm and a leg.

I think it’s also time that I resume talking to my fiance. I’m being stupid as usual. I don’t even know why we stopped talking. Something about the cake I think… I actually don’t enjoy the silence between us. Although I can’t help but freaking out when I think of marriage. Even with the love of my life.