A pictorial introduction to the UC system’s new president. The more you know.

***

We gave Janet the benefit of the doubt that time she was Arizona’s Attorney General and told us implementing a three-strikes program was a great way to mitigate dangerous crime. It would have been neat if she mentioned that it’s an even better way to ruin lives, especially when paired with her pesky anti-drug position.

I don’t know anyone who is a fan of the fact that there are 47,000 government employees whose job’s main duty is to grope us. We may be old fashioned, but around here you’ve gotta get through at least a few dates to gain that type of access. But after four years under Janet’s leadership, we’re almost more distraught when airport security doesn’t. You’re the one who allowed a gotdamn underwear bomber to be unleashed upon society, so why are we punished?

When she saw something, she could have said something. Yeezus knows she’d expect us to, and even though a lot of us ended up on the wrong side of the law at some point, that fear was part of the fun, right? There was never something too small to tell Janet you saw, never anything that couldn’t be something. The problem is, she’s not a very open person, so she said nothing to us.

No matter your situation, it was clear that deporting millions of undocumented immigrants decidedly harshed our national mellow. We’re not in Arizona anymore, Dorothy. We have a more acute system of tolerance than you fostered back there, and this time we expect you to adopt it rather than mold it to your liking.

Not so long ago, we were shocked to discover Janet had been hacking our computers and spying on our browser history. It would have been just as easy for her not to tell everyone we have the clap and dedicate Wednesday nights to Photoshop-predicting what our babies could look like if we worked up the nerve to ask out our neighbor in apartment C, but she’s just not a very dope person.

After our liberal and conservative friends bonded over mutual contempt of her calculating secrecy, we thought Janet might lay low. Boy did we read this gal wrong! Even though we tried to keep her distant, her lack of experience in academic administration did nothing to stop her from meddling in our affairs yet again. At least we know what we can count on her for!

The deception, the manipulation, the inception — yeah, we know about the NSA Dreams Team — you’ve hurt us before, Janet. But we could make a fresh start if you can do us this one solid: uphold a university that serves the students, not itself. You’ve proven that you can helm a complex government entity just fine, but the health of the UC is bound to propagating free speech and debate. We don’t want to see these ideals mired in politics, which in practice carry pretty much the opposite purpose.

***

Print