BINGHAMTON, NY—After finishing his second can of Diet Coke of the morning, local man Derek Cowan, who reportedly drinks five of the artificially sweetened soft drinks a day, expressed his sincere hope that researchers are currently working on a cure for whatever terrible disease he’s getting right now. “I’m just going to optimistically anticipate that by the time the chronic ailment I’m currently developing fully progresses, a team of dedicated researchers working around the clock in a lab somewhere will have found a cure,” Cowan said, noting that he’s “counting on” scientists to invent a pill, vaccine, patch, or other medical solution in the coming years to prevent people from contracting whatever horrific, life-threatening disease you eventually get from drinking 60 or more ounces of Diet Coke each day. “It makes sense because medicine is already so advanced that in 15 to 20 years, when I finally experience the full onset of whatever the hell freaky illness is slowly gestating inside of me with each sugar-free can of this shit, there’s bound to be at least one cure. And I hope they start working on it soon, too, because I’m not feeling so great.” Cowan added that, until that day comes, he could really go for another Diet Coke.

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