Erez Cohen shares his unique story, being born intersex, forced to become a girl, growing up in a religious house hold and being set up to marry a man. To this day he believes his late rabbi-grandfather’s old saying: “Salmon fish don’t go with the flow.”

I was born in Lod to an Orthodox family of two parents and 7 siblings. At birth I was diagnosed with a rare biological condition called intersex, which means that I had both female and male chromosomal markers, XXY. My parents decided for me that I would be female, so once a month I received female hormones to annul the male chromosome with which I was born. Strangely, my family treated me like a son and called me “Patrick”, “Ben-Ben” and other male names, even though they had decided to raise me as a daughter.

When I was 7, my grandfather decided to take me to his home and raise me due to the severe abuse i suffered from my family. Although he was a Haredi rabbi, he was the most liberal person in my life. He was the the first who explained to me about gay, lesbian, transgender, and told

me that even in biblical times there were figures with different sexual identities and genders, like King Solomon, who was bisexual, Ruth the Moabite, who was a lesbian, Joseph and Dina, who were transgender.That way he made me realize that it’s okay to be who I am.

In elementary school I studied in a religious school. My teacher, in one of the exams, asked us to share our opinions about King David, and in my answer I detailed everything I knew about him, including the fact that he was bisexual, tended to be gay and was very feminine. The teacher obviously disqualified my answer and even the entire exam. When my grandfather heard this, he immediately came to the school to talk to the teacher and told her that what I wrote was correct and that it is OK to be different and to accept those who are different. He even added a sentence that until now is etched in my memory: “Salmon fish don’t go with the flow.” In response, my teacher raised my grade to 80, although she didn’t accept it. Immediately after the incident, my grandfather moved me to a secular school because I told him that’s what I wanted, and he respected it.

I’ve always known I was a boy. I dressed like a boy, I loved playing with the boys and my favorite game was soccer. I refused to accept that my outer appearance was different from my inner feeling and I hated being referred to as female. To help me understand my situation better, my grandfather told me that it was possible in these situations to undergo surgery and thereby adjust the body to the internal feeling.

At the age of 14, when my grandfather died, I had to go back to my parents and to be exposed to severe violence again from my parents. They were not functioning as parents and again I felt the same difficult feeling as I did in my early childhood.

At 16, I worked as a porter in north Tel Aviv, and I met my first girlfriend. That lasted for 7 years. Of course, my family didn’t know anything. That was my refuge, my peace of mind and what strengthened me at that time.

My female development began at the age of 17 – I received my first period, and it confused me, I didn’t understand what was happening to my body, what was changing. Why did I need this period? It crushed me. I attempted suicide because of that, yet life was stronger than I was, and I went back to leading a normal life.

I completed 12 years of school and went on to study another year, becoming a professional aircraft mechanic. From there I went on to serve in the military, even though in my family it was not accepted. When I was released, I was hired by Israel Aircraft Industries, where I came out of the closet. Everyone knew that I loved women and I had a girlfriend. A man who worked under me, and who was close to our family, knew about my girlfriend and yet he hit on me all the time, followed me and didn’t leave me alone, also because of the pressure exerted by my parents. He came to visit my family frequently. My parents decided that he was my boyfriend and kept on setting me up with him, but I refused. At one point I went north to live with my sister in Moshav Maalot, but my parents didn’t let go and forced my sister to take him into her apartment too, so we would get closer. I left my sister’s house and went to live alone. My parents didn’t give in, pressured and applied emotional manipulation to convince me to let him live with me.

One morning he informed me that we were getting married, but I didn’t really believe him. And in retrospect I know that the families of both of us arranged this with each other, made all the wedding arrangements, including the wedding venue, date and wedding gown for me without my knowledge, but with his knowledge, and determined that I should go to the rabbinate. With very massive pressure I was forced to get married, even though I didn’t want it at all. Immediately after the wedding ceremony I told him I wanted a divorce, but he refused, so I had to live with him even though he knew I was attracted to women. So each of us ran his life apart.

A year after the wedding, the violence began. He started hurting me physically and verbally and it was very difficult. I was afraid of him. He told my parents that he wanted a child, and they started threatening me and forcing me to do what they wanted, and I knew I had no choice but to agree with them. At least I demanded to do this only through treatments, and not in a natural way. When I started getting the hormones for the fertilization, I began to feel ill. I broke down and I had to go through CPR. I was unconscious for two weeks. When I woke up I was told that the reason for the collapse was receiving female hormones, which should not be done for a man my age who was born intersex, so we kept going with the fertilization without hormones and indeed i became pregnant. The pregnancy was at risk, and for the last three months I was in the hospital for observation, until finally I gave birth by Caesarean section. Despite my determined opposition to the marriage and the relationship between me and the man I married, I took care of the the baby with love, while the violence continued towards me.

When the baby reached the age of two and the violence began to be directed at him too, I made a second suicide attempt, after which I realized I couldn’t stay at home with him, and could not have my child living the same life and feeling what I had felt as a child. I ran away with the child. We lived a few weeks in the streets, until I met someone and lived with her. She helped us and supported us for 4 years. The man I married came after us and bothered us, and when I went to the police, they referred me to a shelter for battered women and we lived there for about six months. After a divorce procedure that lasted 7 years, I got full custody of the child.

I opened a new page and started working again. We had a regular customer who always referred to me as a male and once when I corrected her, she told me that I shouldn’t be correcting her, and that she accepted me as I am. That moment gave me enlightenment, after a long time having repressed the subject and not wanting to confront it. At that moment I thought it was time. It burned in me and I decided I wanted to start the process of change. I began by asking everyone to refer to me as male. Over time, I began to wear a binder that tightens the chest. I began taking male hormones and applying the change I had waited for all my life. This change angered my ex-husband. He turned to the welfare office on the grounds that I was neglecting the child. I was set up with a religious welfare social worker and again I came face to face with Transphobia statements, a lack of understanding of the situation I was in and the reality in which I live, which led to them taking away my child and allowing us to meet only under certain conditions.

When the physical changes started, my son was interested in the change in me and in order for him to understand what I was going through I consulted with Dr. Ilana Berger, director of the Center for Sexuality and Sexual Identity. The boy and I met with her and she helped me to explain that I wasn’t like all the women he knew, that I was different. In his response, he told me that he knew, he always thought I had a man’s head, and he accepted it with love.

Today, I’m Erez, 4 years into the process. This change is the best thing I’ve done in my life. My grandfather is with me in my thoughts at every moment. My approach to religion has changed a lot over the years. Now I don’t believe in any religion but I still manage a traditional lifestyle with my kid. It’s important that he learn about Judaism. It’s also very important for me to contribute to the community and to protest against violence of any kind. I am not in touch with my parents and my brothers. The only brother who was in touch with me died two years ago.