You haven’t celebrated Christmas in the Netherlands properly if you haven’t done ‘Gourmetten‘.

If you’re the foreigner in a relationship and this is your first time visiting your Dutch in-laws, you have a 50/50 chance of walking into a night of gourmetten. Stay calm and read this stuff; it will be both fine (and filthy).

What is Gourmetten?

Thou shall take a crapload of weird little meat things, ye old little pans, a raclette-like device and an enormous variety of side dishes and sauces. Combine it all and FEAST.

It’s not only at Christmas when the Dutch do Gourmetten. Since roughly the nineties every ‘special’ night in the months between September and April is good enough to get the greasy old Gourmet-device out of the closet and crank it up. Of course, it’s looked down upon by the high-culture culinary crowd, but most regular Dutch folk find this relatively new tradition a fitting way to stuff themselves with huge quantities of wine and meat. The origins of this totally-not-Calvinistic tradition are unclear. Allegedly, two chefs toured the country in the 70’s in order to promote gourmetten to Dutch housewives – originally it was a thing of the Swiss people. Secretly the meat industry was behind this tour de carne, and it worked because when my family does gourmetting, I can safely say that we boost that industry for a few kilos.

And of course, the reason why the Dutch do gourmetten at Christmas is that Jesus also gourmetted at his last supper:

So what are you actually eating when you do Gourmetting?

The first part of the Gourmet Club is to never ask what the hell that meat is on those big plates at the table. And the correct answer to what you’re actually eating is: mostly cheap baguettes and sauces.

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Because it takes a while to heat the device and while you just sit there starved, your mom will continuously warn you about not starting the gourmetten process too soon. So inevitably you will start to devour all the breads and little pots of Duyvis gourmet sauces from those tiny little mysterious bags.

But okay, finally the thing is hot enough and you’ve buttered your little pan and it’s time to tackle this big boy ‘gourmetschotel’ which mother bought at the Albert Heijn.

Obviously all families are different with this, but there’s a certain amount of similarity with what’s on the menu.

We’ve got:

Little beefsteaks (gone in a blink, the Dutch uncle will poach these right at the start of diner)

Little Chicken fillets (“CHECK IF IT’S COMPLETELY COOKED THROUGH AND BLACK OR YOU WILL DIE FROM SALMONELLA”)

Little Hamburgers (if you’re mother-in-law just chops up a big one then just ditch your partner, you’re better than that)

Little Turkey pieces (might be chicken, better blacken it)

Some chopped onions, mushrooms and such veggies (because that makes it healthy?)

Little slavinken (minced meat rolls with bacon wrapped around it, how can I say something bad about that?)

My Dutch partner is seriously hyped for this Gourmetten, why Dutch why?

Haven’t you been reading? There are meat, sauce, and wine everywhere! Besides gluttony, there’s also the upside of fucking around with the little sauces, meats, and pans. This way you can finally avoid having an actual conversation with your relatives about how you feel in life or why it’s a ‘good’ thing that Trump won the election.

Your mother-in-law likes it because she doesn’t have to cook. Dutch people like it because they secretly know Dutch cuisine isn’t all that, as well. So hey! Everybody happy right?

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So what’s the filthy part?

Haven’t you been reading? There’s meat, sauce and wine everywhere! That means it won’t be long until someone spills some wine or your brother-in-law just lets a huge one rip.

And then there’s the smell. The unmistakable smell of when a gourmet party has taken place in a room is a mix of nostalgia and a ‘snackbar’. Do not underestimate it! It will be there for days afterwards, all your clothes will need some serious cleaning and you better get the good shampoo out the day after.

Your final verdict?

Haven’t you been reading? There’s meat, sauce and wine everywhere! It’s a total slam dunk for the Dutch in the gezellig & culinary department. So hug those in-laws if they’re into gourmetten!