About that weight loss thing…

I’m always so afraid to talk about this topic. People are so invested in my weight loss (as am I) and so much is riding on it, its so difficult to ever talk about it.



Whats worse is the whole thing is crazy complicated. Some people are downright mean about it on purpose. Others think they’re being helpful but in reality its very harmful. Some people think before speaking. Some people don’t really understand the situation. Some people just don’t care.



But in the end every time I put this kind of information out into the world, the feedback that comes back is pretty painful. it makes it really hard to talk about it. Even the people who are trying to be supportive can make it really hurt. :(



But I figure if you’ve made it all the way onto my tumblr or saw this link on my twitter you’re probably one of the people who not only deserves this information but is intelligent and respectful enough to handle it. So here goes.

In the past 3 years I’ve struggled to lose weight. We’ve tried every diet there is. 'eating less’ aka calorie restricting. avoiding sugar. avoiding meat. avoiding carbs. low fat, high fat, no fat, high sugar, low sugar, no sugar, hi meat, low meat, no meat. Nothing worked. Even when I had a deficit of 2000+ calories a day for weeks on end my body wouldn’t budge.



After doing a lot of research me and my doctor talked about my hormones. We found out that my body was producing NO testosterone. We started treatment and now 6 months later my body has a regular amount of testosterone in it. This has lead to a lot of great things.



With my hormones balanced, I am finding that eating less ACTUALLY means weighing less. I’m finding that my body is changing. I guess you can call it puberty 2: electric boogaloo.



I’m growing hair in weird places. My body is feeling stronger. Exercise actually seems to HELP. I lift weights in a chair, walk a few steps around the house. Each day I can feel myself crawling out of this huge hole I’ve been in. its baby steps, but at least its steps.



My chronic back pain has proven to be a roadblock though. I’m unable to walk for long. I’m only able to stand for 1-2 minutes at a time. We’ve tried all kinds of medication from steroids to pain killers to allow me to improve on that. Nothing has worked.



We’ve finally worked with a doctor who specializes in this stuff last week. We’ll start physical therapy soon. We’ll see if we can figure out whats wrong and how to treat it. Until then the exercise I can get is very limited.



We’re also working hard on the compulsive overeating. more days than not I find myself able to control it. 3 or 4 days a week I come in under my goals. Some days I just barely go over them. But I’m learning each day more and more tricks to get myself to eat right after a lifelong of bad eating.



On top of that I have just been given a referral to a therapist in the area that specializes in eating disorders. I have very little hope for this, as I hate therapy and have been in it most of my life. I don’t think she’ll have any tricks I don’t already know but I’m desperate at this point so i’m going to see what she has to say to me, regardless of the cost.



Our last ditch effort is of course Bariatric Surgery. We’re in a bit of a shitty situation here because it will cause me to lose 4-8 weeks of youtube facetime. My wife will have to take a temporary leave at her job to help me. Plus there’s the complications and the fact that I will have to LIE to a series of therapists to convince them that I’m a good candidate for the surgery.



So yes, we’re exploring every option and we’re attacking it at every angle. Sure, we’re not making any visible progress. Sure people think this is all just a list of excuses. Sure people think I’ve just given up. Ya know what though? I’m past caring what people think, for the most part.



I mean if they think I’m worthless or think i’m a failure or think I’ve given up that’s fine. But if you think I’m trying my best and want to support me succeed or fail, I appreciate it.



Because for the last 3 years I have failed. I have failed over and over again. We’ve tried many, many different things and all of them have failed in one way or another.



But failing is how you succeed. You think youtube success was easy? Nope. Every video I uploaded for the first 3 years was a failure. Time and time again I thought about giving up.



You don’t think Youtube was the first time I tried do you? Nope. I’ve had another small business that failed. I flunked out of college. I was fired or quit several ‘day jobs’.



What about my wife? Was she the first woman I met? far from it. But heartbreak after heartbreak, failure after failure, I eventually found my wife.



Weight loss will be like that for me. We’ll keep trying and falling on our ass until we either succeed or die trying. Either way I promise I’m not giving up on myself even if you give up on me.



So the next time you see some dude shitting all over himself about how worthless and fucky I am because I haven’t succeeded yet, tell them this for me. "Give him time. He may surprise us yet.“