Tim Miles is having kind of a rough year. After starting the year out with high expectations, and what appeared to be a program on the brink of wave-riding their way down a big Tsunami of momentum carried over from an incredible finish to the 2014 season, the Husker Men’s Basketball team has crashed and burned in Evel Knievel-like fashion.

Miles has tried coaching them up, slowing it down, guest speakers, and virtually anything short of hiring a voodoo priestess to come in and stick pins in Melo Trimble’s hair-doll. (*Author’s note: he may have done that at some point, too.) His latest desperate tactic has been locking the Huskers out of their locker room and posh traning facilities at the Hendricks Training Complex.

That means the players will have no smoothie bar, no shower heads with Bluetooth speakers and no players lounge which basically looks like Macauly Culkin’s house from Richie Rich.

So, with not a moment to lose, Tim is taking one last desperate move to fire up his team. He’s pulling out all the stops to try to get his team motivated for the final few games of the year. This is the leaked audio of his latest attempt: a stunningly dope rap track and music video. The words to the song are listed beneath the song.

(Intro)

If you havin’ real problems, I feel bad for you, son.

I got 99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one.

I got dudes brickin’ threes while I’m grabbing deeze

Haters up in stripes I call ‘em referees

Stinking up the Vault, yo I need Febreze

Bout to snap like a tendon in D-Rose’s knees

I’m from the great white North, more Dakota than Fanning,

Call me the GOAT like I’m Peyton Manning

Underneath this button up I’m built like Tatum, Channing

Taking more selfies than a girl who be tanning.

I’m catching all types’a shit from those Twitter Bros

And Walt P’s in the paint and he’s throwing Bos

Shavon’s so damn smart he’s worried ‘bout Microbes

And I can’t stop staring at Thad Matta’s nose.

I’m getting’ so emotional, startin’ to feel my feelings

And I still don’t know the damn difference between Australia and New Zealand.

From D3 to D1, Son, I Ain’t Dumb

I got 99 Problems, but Hendricks Ain’t One.

Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one

If you having real problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one

Hit me

Well it’s 2015 and I’m so, so def

But standin’ in my way? It’s the motherfuckin’ ref.

I got two choices, ya’ll, shut my mouth up or

Chase down that Douche and start to stompin’ on the floor.

Now I ain’t trying send ‘em to the free throw line

But I got a few dollars I can pay the fine

So he pulls me over to the side of the court

And I heard “Son do you know why I’m techin’ you for?”

Cause I’m nerdy and I’m pissed and you’re screwing my team

And you’re worried I’m bout to turn you into a Twitter Meme?

Should I head back to the Bench, to try to let off steam?

“Well you was getting too loud when you started to scream

Head back to your bench for I throw your ass out

“Now if you’ll excuse, me Tim, I’m goin’ over there to pout”

I ain’t going back to shit, all my gripes are legit

“Do you mind if I talk to those other ref a bit?”

Well the fans are all pissed and so’s the rest of my staff

And trust me when I say you don’t want Molinari’s wrath

“Listen, I’m probably shouting ‘Boom’ when I drop the T,

“Unless you take two steps back and away from me!”

Well I’m not backin’ up, this is turned to a mess

You’re reffing up this game like your name’s Carl Hess

“See how you feel when the league fines you a ton”

I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one

Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one

If you having real problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one

Hit me

Now once upon a ‘bout a season ago

We were magma hot, straight smokin’ yo.

We were burning through teams: the passion, the drama!

Now we’re 4th tier news behind a bunch of Llamas.

With all the losses, the haters be hatin’

The best part of this year? Man, at least we’re not Creighton.

Yeah, sure, they might’ve beat us in the head to head

But that’s like being the deadest Zombie on Walking Dead.

We’re losing more than the pounds of Rick Ross

And this season’s ass backwards callin’ it Kriss Kross.

We’re fadin’ real hard at the end of the race

Why does Fran McCaffrey have such a punchable face?

And now come March, it’s our thumbs they’re gonna twiddle

And our fan base is dividing like Tom Crean’s hair middle

But next year Huskers, it’s eternal hope springs

And we’ll see what new guys and some 4 stars brings

Maybe we’ll learn to break a full court press

Beat it black and blue like that Twitter Dress

Or was that gold and white, yo my rap is done.

I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one

Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one

If you having real problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one

Hit me

FIN