In 1996, Californians passed Proposition 215 so that AIDS patients could smoke a bowl and gulp down a meal and folks on chemo could avoid puking. One great side effect is that normal folks without a chronic terminal illness now have the ability to legally purchase and smoke weed. But the process is a little confusing (probably because you’re stoned). First, you’ll need to find a doctor. All you have to do is search “medical marijuana” online or find the weed page in the LA Weekly. As you might surmise by the fact that they’re advertising amongst psychics, people seeking egg donors, and rub ‘n’ tug parlors, most medical marijuana doctors aren’t the most ethically strict practitioners. According to California law, you can get a prescription for medical marijuana if you have a chronic condition that impairs your ability to function. In my case, I am severely depressed, probably as a result of being born Jewish, poor and hung like a toddler. I told my weed doctor about my condition and my past medication, and he said “So, you would like to get weed to improve your ability to function?” (apparently this is the legal equivalent of “Oh my God, you’re tearing me apart” while having sex).

Other conditions that could get you legal weed include anxiety, TMJ, tennis elbow, smoker’s cough, the swine flu, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and being Jamaican. In order to back up your claims, your doctor will ask you to provide some sort of proof of your condition, such as medical records, prescription bottles or a copy of an invoice for therapist visits. In my case, I didn’t bring anything with me, and my doctor did a “Hey, please make sure you fax me proof, wink-wink” kind of speech. After paying $150, I got my card. Once you have your card, you’ll need to find a marijuana dispensary. Again, online or the LA Weekly helps. Your dispensary will check your paperwork and ID and verify your eligibility. Then the fun begins. You can check out all the varieties of weed, the hash, the kief, the various edibles like cookies and brownies. And the competition for your business is so fierce, all the dispensaries offer freebies and discounts. I got $20 off a quarter and two free muffins (which tasted like weedy, minty sponges). So with an LA Weekly, $150, and a creative excuse, you too could be on your way to sitting on your couch, playing Xbox 360, and smoking discounted, legal weed. Our founding fathers would be proud (because they totally smoked weed, man!).