In last Sunday’s game against Purdue, the Hawkeyes managed to play the first 12 minutes of hard-fought, heartland basketball and put up one (1) field goal. Before we delve into this masterpiece of mediocrity any further, let us keep some facts in mind:

The University of Iowa hosts 22 varsity sports, one of which is men’s basketball.

Most of the student-athletes on Iowa’s men’s basketball team are scholarship players, meaning the athletic department saw these fine, young, blue-collared ballers fit to receive full compensation for their contribution to the university.

Fran McCaffery doesn’t take too kindly to your failed attempts to take it to the hole, and YOU WILL KNOW HIS NAME WHEN HE LAYS VENGEANCE UPON THEE.

Now, equipped with the knowledge at hand, we can do our best to dive into the psychosis of this nearly theatrical performance by the Hawkeyes. I believe the ball coach and his squadron owe an explanation for the first half of the first half that they were slotted to play basketball and OH LOOK what’s this we found an itinerary of the game:

[20:00] Players huddle around coach McCaffery immediately after tip-off, coaching him on the inevitable inspirational halftime speech he’ll have to give. Guard Anthony Clemmons calls him out on stealing lines from Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday. McCaffery screams in a blood-curdling rage at Clemmons.

[19:00] Fran gets called for fouling Clemmons. Clemmons makes both free throws. We got a 2-2 game in West Lafayette, folks.

[18:23] Neither team will score for a while, probably due to the excellent discipline on def-oh nope it’s just Fran McCaffery and Matt Painter mean-muggin’ each other instead of coaching. Again.

[16:50] Purdue leaps ahead by four points. Iowa’s starting five immediately rushes to restrain Herky the Hawk from trying to walk out of the stadium and flee the perceivable death of basketball as we know it.

[14:50] Iowa’s sixth missed attempt. At this point, players attempt to antagonize Purdue forward D.J. Byrd into a flagrant 2. This works to no avail, as Byrd’s hater blockers are on lockdown (D.J.’s words, not mine).

[13:33] Iowa Guard Mike Gesell made a three-pointer. Event security has to literally bring in riot control to quell the excitement surrounding this triumphant tickle of the twine. BRING OUT THE BEAN BAG GUNS, Y’ALL, THEY’RE BRINGIN’ THE HOUSE DOWN.

I’m being sarcastic. We all know this just sent Hawkeye fans into a deeper, darker place.

[11:35] Iowa has missed three more attempts since their first field goal. The longer this goes on, the less I wonder why Iowa can’t make a couple baskets and the more I wonder why Iowa’s only down by three at this point. Yup, it’s 10-7 as we approach the halfway point. I can’t wait for the B1G Replay.

[10:26] The second official TV timeout is called, both times so all media members in attendance could take a break and pretend to do pre-game coverage for Michigan-Illinois. Maybe they’ll help themselves to some of Kirk Ferentz’s pale ale he brews in a feeding trough but that’s between him and his, understand?

[9:56] “Guys, let’s work on our rebounds and steals…as one team. Because at the heart of it, we’re all on one team in this crazy thing called life…” – Purdue center A.J. Hammons. This went on for exactly 90 seconds, I kid you not.

[7:52] Iowa forward Zach McCabe makes a jumper, cutting Purdue’s lead to 3 (I know, right?!).

Although their scoring woes ended (at least to that extent), the rest of the game went like M. Night Shyamalan’s interpretation of Field of Dreams. The Hawkeyes built a fantastic game from the start of the second half to the end of regulation. They came back from an 11-point defecit, rallied with 17 points in 6 minutes, and even held a 3-point lead near the end. But, as M. Night Shyamalan likes to do, he ruined the whole event by burning that field into the ground for his “twist ending”, with a few cameo explosions by Michael Bay. Purdue never trailed in overtime and won this perpetual 9th-round-boxing match 65-62.

The Wut Index believes that, in its first week, it found the perfect combination of mind-blowing basketball and crippling mediocrity. It will continue to pursue such a miraculous occurrence for the rest of its existence, only to come up short every time.