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You never wanted to be pulled into this life and death drama. You're Toshiro Mifune in Yojimbo. You're Han Solo just trying to get the hell out of Hoth with your paycheck. You came here to buy bulk burrito ingredients in peace, but the world just won't leave you alone. This son of a bitching clerk set you up, couldn't handle your razor-sharp wit, and now he's pulling butterfly knives on pensioners. Jesus, how did he even get this job? Doesn't Safeway do background checks?

Regardless of how it came about, what comes next is clear:

It's time to vault over the counter -- which you're pretty sure you can do, even though you ate shit walking up a curb yesterday -- and use your momentum to jump-kick that knife right out of his hands. Then you'll catch the knife -- which you're pretty sure you can do, even though the last time somebody threw something at you was when Billy Meyers tossed you that ginger ale in seventh grade and you broke your nose trying to catch it. He probably did it on purpose, the son of a bitc- holy shit! This Devin guy looks a lot like Billy Meyers. I'll bet it is Billy Meyers! He probably changed his name -- because what kind of asshole name is Billy Meyers? -- and got a job at your local grocery chain just to facilitate this awful moment.

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"Yep. Threw away my career, my education, my family -- all to make you look stupid next to a guy in a Rascal and some chick reading the tabloids. Totally worth it."

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Jesus, this villainy cannot be allowed to continue. This slippery-soda-curveball-tossing, awkward-bag-handling, knife-wielding psychopath must be destroyed at all costs. Truly, he is the greatest monster of our generation, and it's up to you to Shoryuken him in the neck before it's too late. And once it's over, the hot young redhead he was holding at knife-point (wait, wasn't she just a kindly grandma? What happened to the grandma?) will assuredly reward your bravery with two heaping scoops of boning.