Fort Worth, TX

Howdy, y’all! It’s time for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Whichever one of my Patreon donors who suggested Fort Worth, TX gets a super pat on the back because that place is full of some serious fug.

Before I begin this post, I would like to make a note in regards to some recent emails that go something like “BUT WHY DO YOU MAKE FUN OF INTERIORS? WHAT WOULD YOU PUT IN A HOUSE????!!!!1″ The point of these weekly house post is to make fun of really tacky houses and really tacky staging by real estate agents. If you haven’t noticed, none of the houses I’ve posted look like they’ve ever been lived in by actual people. Actual people have real tastes and it’s (mostly) not fair to make fun of them. But tacky house staging by realtors? Totally up for grabs.

Anyway, back to our scheduled content.

This week’s house, a Mansard built in 1993 (but is totes 1987) is pushing 5,000 square feet, and is currently on the market for $1.3 million USD.

Now, Mansard houses are weird. The style only lasted around 20 years, and is pretty much quintessential 70s weird. Named after the mansard roof, which was popular in a French-influenced Victorian style known as the Second Empire, the Mansard style was popular from around 1965 to 1985. If you’re interested in these strange beasts, be sure to check this link from Washington State University.

However, our house was built in 1993 meaning it’s almost 10 years behind. Whoops.

The Entryway Thing

While there is a brass n glass chandelier in this home, I couldn’t seem to find any views of it, mostly because this REALLY weird staircase/catwalk kinda gets in the way of everything, even itself. The columns really obstruct the path from the front door to anything remotely near the stairs. Whooops.

The Living Room

As you can see in this picture, the staircase/catwalk thing is really weird. Not only is it low to the ground, but it basically shuts the rest of the house out from any sort of light coming from those 2-story fanlight windows. The placing and spacing of the columns would make Borromini cry.

Dining Room 1 of 3

Notes: I feel like there are way too many chairs for this one table and also can anyone else hear the SCREEEEEEEEECH sound of wood on tile in their heads?

Powder Room

Putting a cherub in a bathroom is unsettling to me for some reason. Also special lol @ that spray-painted side table.

Dining Room 2 of 3

I am seriously amazed by this wallpaper. It takes serious balls to put metallic flower-motif wallpaper on your ceiling. I could have done without the leopard print chairs, but to each their own.

Dining Room 3 of 3

I’m starting to think that there are so many dining rooms in these houses because these open, empty spaces aren’t conducive to much else. There’s no privacy and/or way to prevent noise from activities like watching TV from getting into adjacent rooms. This is the key fallacy of the open floor plan.

THIS AMAZING KITCHEN

Ok, if you want to put botanical stickers on your shabby chic cabinets, more power to you. I am really impressed by the two refrigerators. If I had two refrigerators one would be exclusively for booze.

The Dark & Dreary Office/Study

And the award for poorest quality cabinetry goes to….

Master Bedroom

One of my Twitter followers informed me recently that many people who do home staging for a living do in fact buy a lot of their furniture from hotel liquidation sales. This explains a great deal about this bedroom.

The Master Bath

I’m incredibly sad that this was the only view of the master bath, which is honestly incredible.

Bedroom No. 2

Ok don’t get too excited - I’ve only seen like 2 episodes of Doctor Who. This bedroom is almost scarier than that one episode with the weird Medusa angel statues.

And Finally (there was no backyard shots, sadly)

Bathroom No. 2

There are too many metaphors for death in this bathroom.

Well, that wraps it up for this week’s Certified Dank McMansion! Stay tuned for Sunday’s What the Hell Is… post!

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.