Washington D.C.—

During the Senate impeachment trial, a powered-on microphone picked up a casual conversation between Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Senator Lindsey Graham about how they were planning to spend their Russian bribe money.

The following is a transcript of their dialogue:

McConnell: “I got a big bonus for not letting any new documents be filed. If I can stop any new witnesses from testifying as well, let’s just say Putin is going to open his wallet pretty wide for me. I spent a bunch so far on new turtles for my collection. If I could someday get a member of one of the ten Galapagos tortoise species left, that would be something, wouldn’t it? Someday, when me and Elaine are ready to downsize, I’ll turn my mansion into a turtle zoo. That will be a great retirement hobby. I think I’m going to invest the lion’s share of my rubles in the Trump Organization, and raise money for my turtle zoo that way with some nice, steady passive income from all the collusion business deals.”

Graham: “That’s a great idea. I should have thought of that. When we’ve rigged all the voting machines, Ivanka and Donald Jr. will be President for the next two decades. Lot of money coming the Trump family’s way. There’s some good opportunity for dividends with some early choice investments.”

McConnell: “That reminds me, we have to figure out how much money to pass in the Senate on another one of those pesky Democrat election security bills the House just passed.”

Graham: “Right, we have to offer just enough money to not be blatantly guilty of treason and betraying America’s elections, but not enough that it hampers Putin’s hackers’ ability to make us win despite our vote disadvantage.”

McConnell: “I usually go with 33%. I think one-third is the right ratio to pretend to care but not be effective.”

Graham: “Good call.”

McConnell: “What about you? How are you spending your rubles?”

Graham: “I think I’m going to spend a little bit on golf lessons. I could use a lot of technique work, and I hate when Trump calls me a ‘gay’ every time I lose.”

McConnell: “Why bother? Wait… you know he cheats, right?”

Graham: “Of course. He doesn’t even try to hide it when he moves his ball, or drops a new ball much closer to the hole. But I want to look better when we play against other world leaders.”

McConnell: “Let me recommend something, though. Never actually try to win. Trump throws tantrums if he doesn’t win. It’s real embarrassing when he’s trying to talk foreign policy or discuss a new trade deal. If you get a higher score than him, he’ll start throwing his clubs and screaming like a toddler. The Saudis and the Israelis know to let him win, of course, but it’s actually a matter of national security to do what you can to cheat against the other players so they don’t get a better score than Trump. The first time Trump played with Japan’s Shinzo Abe he was beat by double digits, and he got so upset he went back to the White House and tried to withdraw all American troops from Japan and send a letter to Kim Jong Un saying he had a free pass to nuke Japan if he wanted. Thankfully, Jim Mattis was in the room at the time and stole the letter so it couldn’t be delivered, and Ivanka was in the room, too, and she showed Trump her bra strap which calmed him down a bit. Now Abe lets him win. Close call there.”

Graham: “Good advice.”

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(Picture courtesy of US Embassy Kabul Afghanistan.)

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