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Esther Perel Quotes

About Esther Perel

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and bestselling author who is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.

Esther is a psychotherapist who has explored the tension between the need for security (love, belonging, and closeness) and the need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure, and distance) in human relationships. [1]

In her bestseller book Mating in Captivity, Esther draws on observations made during her decades of experience as a practicing psychotherapist. The book explores the ways sexual passion and long-term security are often at odds and highlights important issues couples face as they navigate the committed relationships.

Her celebrated TED talks have garnered over 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages.

Here are top Esther Perel quotes on human sexuality.

Esther Perel Quotes

I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms. Esther Perel

Today, our sexuality is an open-ended personal project; it is part of who we are, an identity, and no longer merely something we do. Esther Perel

Sexually powerful men don’t harass, they seduce. It’s the insecure men who need to use power in order to leverage the insecurity and the inaccessibility or the unavailability of the women. Women fear rape, and men fear humiliation. Esther Perel

Our partner’s sexuality does not belong to us. It isn’t just for and about us, and we should not assume that it rightfully falls within our jurisdiction. Esther Perel

Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other.

Because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. Esther Perel

When we can be present for both love and sex, we transcend the battleground of Puritanism and hedonism. Esther Perel

What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict? … Therein lies the mystery of eroticism. Esther Perel

if you’re too busy for sex, you’re too busy.

Esther Perel Quotes

Intimacy does nurture desire, but sexual pleasure also demands separateness Esther Perel

But when we reduce sex to a function, we also invoke the idea of dysfunction. We are no longer talking about the art of sex; rather, we are talking about the mechanics of sex. Esther Perel

Recreational sex, pornography, and cybersex all share an element of distance, even anonymity, that avoids the burden of intimacy and makes sexual excitement possible. Esther Perel

We need to be able to be momentarily selfish in order to be erotically connected. Esther Perel

Erotic intimacy is the revelation of our memories, wishes, fears, expectations, and struggles within a sexual relationship. Esther Perel

Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is man’s language of intimacy. Esther Perel

What makes us feel emotionally secure is not always what turns us on sexually. Instead of looking to the other to meet your needs, if you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire. Esther Perel

Erotic intimacy holds the double promise of finding oneself and losing oneself. Esther Perel

Erotic intimacy is an adult version of hide-and-seek. Esther Perel Quotes

“At the same time, eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature. We must unpack our ambivalence about pleasure, and challenge our pervasive discomfort with sexuality, particularly in the context of family. Complaining of sexual boredom is easy and conventional. Nurturing eroticism in the home is an act of open defience.” Esther Perel

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