ED WOOD by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski Directed by Tim Burton FIRST DRAFT November 20, 1992 FADE IN: INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin. Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past the edge... and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones, with absolute conviction: CRISWELL Greetings, my friend. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable... that is why you are here. So now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened... (extremely serious) We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Junior?? EXT. NIGHT SKY Lightning CRACKS. We drift down past the dark clouds... through the torrential rain... and end up... OPTICAL: EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT We've landed in Hollywood, 1952. We're outside a teeny, grungy playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims "'THE CASUAL COMPANY,' WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR." Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero. Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He's a classically flawed optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons within. The doors open, and Ed's pal JOHN "BUNNY" BRECKINRIDGE, 45, hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a string of pearls. [PAGE 2 MISSING] Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry- for-a-career ingenue. She's near tears. DOLORES Eddie, my dove just flew out the window! CREW MEMBER She goes on in two minutes! What are we gonna do?? They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second, then excitedly CLAPS his hands. ED Dolores, give me your shoes. DOLORES What? ED The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes ! She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled. He keeps cutting the shoe... and it slowly takes on the shape of a dove! Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe... and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth! The cast is flabbergasted. CREW MEMBER Wow. BACK ONSTAGE The soldiers suddenly look up. ACTOR #1 Hey, I think I see something! Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove. DOLORES I offer you mortals the bird of peace, so that you may change your ways and end all this destruction. CUT TO: INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour diner. They're noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red booth. ED What a show! Everyone was terrific! Paul, your second-act monologue actually gave me chills, He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver who's loyal like a dog. PAUL MARCO Aw thanks, Eddie. Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug, runs up waving a newspaper. CONRAD I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand. ED (he smiles at everyone) This is the big moment...! Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, "The Theatrical Life, By Victor Crowley." Under this is a photograph of an old man with an ascot. WIDE Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A moment... and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder... and then they finish. A melancholy beat, until -- BUNNY What does that old queen know? He wasn't even there! (he knocks back a drink) Sending a copy boy to do his dirty work. Well fuck him ! DOLORES Do I really have a face like a horse? PAUL MARCO What does "ostentatious" mean? Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile. ED Hey. Hey, it's not that bad. You just can't concentrate on the negative. He's got some nice things to say... (he scans the review) See, "The soldier costumes are very realistic." That's positive! Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed launches into an upbeat speech. ED Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews. I've seen ones where they didn't even like the costumes! Like, that last "Francis the Mule" picture -- it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit. PAUL MARCO Lines around the block. ED So don't take it too seriously. We're all doin' great work. CONRAD You really think so? ED Absolutely! It's just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I'll make every single one of you famous. He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably at her. ED Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if I just don't have it? DOLORES Ed, it was only one review. ED Orson Welles was 26 when he made "Citizen Kane." I'm already 30! DOLORES Ed, you're still young. This is the part of your life when you're supposed to be struggling. ED I know... But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it's gonna get... Dolores kisses Ed affectionately. DOLORES Things'll change for us. Nobody stays on the fringe forever. She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the closet. She looks inside. DOLORES God, where's my pink sweater? I can never find my clothes anymore... ANGLE - ED He rolls over in bed, away from her. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY CU on Ed reading "The Hollywood Reporter." A RUDE BOSS in suspenders suddenly strides up. RUDE BOSS Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building. ED Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz. Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he's in a giant greenhouse, packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small palm tree and hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack. Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in. INT. SOUNDSTAGE ó SAME TIME A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and real sand dunes. Ed is blown away. ED Whoa, look at all this sand. This is real sand! My God, where'd they get all this sand?! A SECURITY GUARD sees him. SECURITY GUARD Hey, YOU. This is a closed set. Ed is caught. He hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO ó DAY Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window. OLD CRUSTY MAN Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you. Ed puts down the plant again and runs in. INT. EDITING ROOMS ó DAY The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola. The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc. Ed is dazzled. ED This is fantastic! What are you gonna do with it all? OLD CRUSTY MAN Eh, probably file it away and never see it again. ED It's such a waste . If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! (getting inspired) See, the story opens with these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So the military is called in to solve the mystery. OLD CRUSTY MAN Ya forgot the octopus. ED No, I'm saving that for the big underwater climax! The old guy cackles. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building. INT. STUDIO OFFICES - SAME TIME Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling. SECRETARY #1 They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body. SECRETARY #2 I'll bet it hurt when they snipped his thing off. EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts down his plant. ED What are you ladies gabbin' about? SECRETARY #1 You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He/she/it's in "Variety." Some producer is making a biopic. ED (startled) R-really? I didn't see the story. SECRETARY #1 Ah, it was buried in the back. The guy's a real smallótime operator. She holds up her "Variety." Ed hurriedly takes it. CUT TO: INSERT - VARIETY The story headline says "BOYóTOóCHICK FLICK TO CLICK." We PULL OUT, revealing we're now in INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment. The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run around. Tacked-up are movie posters for "DRACULA," "FREAKS," and "THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS." Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her. DOLORES (on phone) Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the line. Could you please hold? Ed gives her a thumbs up -- perfect! He confidently takes the phone. ED (on phone) Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your new project and was curious if you signed a director. Oh -- you haven't? Well, if we could get together, I could explain why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town. (beat) Uh, I'd rather not go into it over the phone... Alright. Great! l'll see you then! Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls away. DOLORES Eddie, I don't understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story? ED (nervous, he lies) Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door. CUT TO: INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY - DAY Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a door that says "SCREEN CLASSICS ó George Weiss, President." Ed fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters. INT. SCREEN CLASSICS ó SAME TIME It's a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans are stacked everywhere, and framed oneósheets for "TEST TUBE BABIES," "BLONDE PICKUP" and "GIRL GANG" litter the cracked walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone. GEORGIE (on phone) Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all eleven states ! I meant California, Oregon, and uh, what's that one above it... Washington. Oh really?! Well screw you! Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed. GEORGIE Can I help you? ED Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture. GEORGIE Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn "Variety" printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky. ED (disappointed) So you're not gonna make the movie? GEORGIE No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the movie! I've already preósold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we'll just make it without that she-male. We'll fictitionalize it. Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed. ED Is there a script? GEORGIE Fuck no! But there's a poster. Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, "I CHANGED MY SEX!" GEORGIE It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa. ED (mustering up his courage) Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I work fast, and I'm a deal: I write AND direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism. GEORGIE Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications." Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation. ED Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you... but I really want this job. (he gulps) I like to dress in women's clothing. GEORGIE Are you a fruit? ED No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them. GEORGIE So you're not a fruit? ED Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in WW2. (beat) 'Course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments under my uniform. GEORGIE You gotta be kiddin' me. ED Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret. Georgie sits back. It's a hell of a story. GEORGIE And this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie? ED Yeah. I know what it's like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you... My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out. Georgie shrugs. GEORGIE Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you... (he gestures at the posters) I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like "Chained Girls." I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that'll make me a profit. (beat) I'm sorry. That's all that matters. CUT TO: INT. BAR ó DAY Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over. BARTENDER Are you gonna get something else? Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs, and staggers out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in their starched clean clothes. They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then continues. Ed reaches a building, "HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY," and glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake. THROUGH THE WINDOW The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is BELA LUGOSI. ANGLE - ED He is flabbergasted. INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY - SAME TIME Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70- year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a master of the grand gesture. An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance. BELA Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in. SALESMAN Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints before. BELA The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time. Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed. ED Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi?? BELA (irritated) I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins. ED No. I don't work here. BELA Huh? Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed. BELA Who are you? What do you want? ED I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies. BELA Ha! Bela strides out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - SAME TIME Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him. ED Why were you buying a coffin? BELA Because I'm planning on dying soon. ED (concerned) Really? BELA Yes. I'm embarking on another bus- andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable. Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it. ED You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938. BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk! ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie. BELA Thank you. ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside. BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge. A CITY BUS approaches. BELA Oh, there's my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where's my transfer?! ED Don't you bave a car? BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen. The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he's about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea... CUT TO: INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER - DAY Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar. ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out? BELA I have no next picture. ED Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man like you... I'll bet you have dozens of 'em lined up. BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now -- no one give two fucks for Bela. Bela puffs on his oversized cigar. ED But you're a big star! BELA No more. I haven't worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I'm just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right. EXT. BELA'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out. BELA (bitter) They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense! ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons... BELA They were mythic . They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters. ED The women ? BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror. ED I never thought of that. BELA Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula." Bela's eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE... it's awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal. Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn't say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily. BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I'm not much of a housekeeper. The dogs BARK louder. BELA Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you! ED Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again? BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me. Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES'S APARTMRNT - DAY Dolores is in her 1950's kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric. ED Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've got the most incredible news! DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!! ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job. But something better happened! DOLORES Better than not getting a job? ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big ! DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?! ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star! DOLORES Boris Karloff!? ED Close! The other one! DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone! ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI! DOLORES I thought he was dead. Ed's eyes pop. ED No! He's very alive. Well... sort of. He's old, and frail -- but he's still Bela Lugosi! And he's really nice. DOLORES Boy, I can't even remember the last time he was in a picture. ED It's a shame. He's such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore. DOLORES So did you get his autograph? Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically. ED No. It wasn't like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin'... and he treated me like -- a friend... CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss. RUDE BOSS He's a bum . ED No he's not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"! "The Black Cat"! RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work. ED That's not true -- RUDE BOSS He's so great, you hire him. ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would... The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S ROUSE - NIGHT It's Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela's window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION -- a small fuzzy screen in a huge console. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME ON THE TV, one of Bela's old '30s horror films plays. Bela's evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture. ON ED AND BELA They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela's TWO DOGS lie at his feet. ON THE TV The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy "Creature Feature" hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress. She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading "Happy Halloween." VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead... ON THE MEN Ed is disgruntled. ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect. BELA (glued to the TV) I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs. Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV. BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love. ED (fascinated by Bela's hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that? BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes. Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV. Bela becomes fatigued. BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine. ED Do you want me to get it for you? BELA No thank you, Eddie. I'll be alright. Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain . Ed is puzzled. Bela's thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence. Ed sits, waiting. Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled "Shit!" Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He's a bundle of energy. BELA I feel better now. AT THE DOOR The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT "Trick or treat!" Bela jumps up gleefully. BELA Children! I love children. Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth. OUTSIDE Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly. Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run. Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone... except one TOUGH BOY. BELA Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood! TOUGH BOY Ehh, you're not a real vampire. You can't turn into a bat, and those teeth don't frighten me. Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly. ED Well how about these teeth ?!! Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away. Bela is wowed. BELA Hey, how'd you do that? Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth. ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela's cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela's flask. They're a bit tipsy. ED Are you sure this is okay? BELA Don't worry. I do it every Halloween. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness. Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously. ED Now what? Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily. He disappears into the cemetery. BELA I am DRACULA! Bela darts happily through the graves. His cape flies behind him. BELA I am the BAT!! Ed's eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela. Bela's heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up. Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he's going to fly. Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It's a magical, crazed moment. BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!! Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass. WIDE Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They're happy, eyes alert, on top of the world. Ed peers in wonder at his new friend. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE - DAY Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed's very excited. GEORGIE So what's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone... again? Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out. ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what's the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it'll be successful?? GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits. ED No. Better than tits -- a star ! Georgie shakes his head. GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures. I make crap. ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you'd have something! GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star. ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive . The biggest moneymaker you've ever had! GEORGIE Fine, maybe you're right. But it doesn't friggin' matter. I can't afford a star, so I don't even know what we're talking about. Ed grins. ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000?? GEORGIE (skeptical) Who? Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8x10 GLOSSY OF BELA. GEORGIE Lugosi? ED Yeah! Lugosi ! GEORGIE Isn't he dead? ED (annoyed) No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture. GEORGIE OUR picture? ED (sheepishly) Uh, yeah. Our picture. Georgie mulls this over. He's interested. GEORGIE Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick? ED Because he's my friend . Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles. GEORGIE Alright, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from Monday. ANGLE - ED He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie's hand. ED Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss! I promise I won't let you down! CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed's hands whirl across the portable typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can type. We PULL OUT. Ed sits on the bed, typing. He's a blur of activity, juggling a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes. ED (on phone) But Bunny, you're perfect for this job! You're so good at organizing. His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee. ED You know these people. I need all the transsexuals and transvestites you can get. (he sucks on his cigarette) No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism. I want this film to tell the truth ! I've waited my whole life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it. There's a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly. BELA Eddie, you got a new movie for me?! ED Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture! You'll love your character! (back into the phone) Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites ! Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled. BELA Eddie, what kind of movie is this? ED Well, It's about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside. BELA (delighted) Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I'm looking forward to this production. Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink. ED Ehh, your part's a little different. You're like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything. BELA I don't understand. ED Well... you control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster. BELA (getting it) Ah, so I pull the strings! ED Yeah. You pull the strings -- (he suddenly gets a look) "Pull the strings"... hey, that's pretty good! Ed quickly starts typing again. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed and Dolores sit at a card table, finishing up dinner. The dogs eat scraps below them. ED Wipe off your hands. I've got a little surprise for you... (he smiles nervously) I finished my script. Ed anxiously pulls out a pile of pages. Dolores looks in awe at the cover: "'GLEN OR GLENDA' By Edward D. Wood, Jr"" DOLORES Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as soon as I get home. ED (apprehensive) Well, I'd really like to know what you think. Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look at it? I'll Wait... There's an uneasy moment between them. She senses something funny. Dolores takes the script and goes into the bedroom. The door closes. Ed starts pacing... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - LATER Dolores reads the script. She finishes the last page, then looks up. She is very shaken. Dolores stands. She grabs the door and opens it. THROUGH THE DOORWAY Ed stands somberly in drag . He's in a pantsuit, heels, and pink angora sweater. Dolores is totally rattled. She struggles for a response. DOLORES So that's where my sweater's been. Ed silently nods. DOLORES How long have you been doing this? ED Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing. It just kinda became a habit. DOLORES Jesus Christ! And you never told me? ED This is my way of telling you -- DOLORES (furious) What, by putting it in a fuckin' script, for everyone to see?! What kind of sick mind would operate like that? Ed is terribly hurt. Dolores shakes tht script. DOLORES And what about this so-called "Barbara" character? It's obviously ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our life ! ED (quiet) Of course it is. And that's why you should play the part. DOLORES Oh! You got nerve, buddy. He calmly points at the script. ED It's a damn good role. DOLORES That's not the issue !! (she suddenly stops) Ugh! How can you act so casual, when you're dressed like that?! ED It takes me comfortable. DOLORES Oh, just like in the script! Ed smiles serenely. ED Exactly. (he takes her hand) So what do ya say? Do you wanna break up... or do you wanna do the movie with me? Dolores sighs. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS - DAY The hallway is filled with eager TRANSVESTITES. It's a very festive atmosphere, and Bunny tries to create some order. Inside the busy office, Paul types, and Conrad cranks a mimeograph machine. CONRAD It's good to have a job. Now I can get my phone reconnected. In a corner, Georgie angrily waves the script at Ed. GEORGIE I thought this was gonna be a sex- change film! ED (defensive) There's still a sex-change -- GEORGIE Yeah! Five pages right before it ends! The rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters. ED I don't think he's a schmuck. GEORGIE And what's with this new title?! My poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"! ED So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This is a story that's gonna grab people. (he goes into a pitch) It's about this guy. He's crazy about this girl but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. George, this is DRAMA. Georgie throws up his hands GEORGIE Fine, shoot whatever baloney you want! I give up. Just make sure it's seven reels long . CUT TO: EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's voice rises above the hubbub. ED (O.S.) Excuse me, could I have everyone's attention?! Could you gather around? I've got something to say. The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle. In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons, pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops. ED Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey. Four days of hard work... but when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people. A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other. ED Now the only way we're gonna achieve all this is if we stay on schedule. Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy. We have eighteen silent scenes that can be shot quickly: Cars parking, Patrick's suicide, me strolling as a man, me strolling as a woman, etc. (beat) After lunch, we'll bring in the Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor is very important to the plot, so we might have to spend time on retakes. But it's worth it. Scene totals for the first day is thirty-four. (he catches a breath) Day Two, we'll be a little busier -- Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks. CAMERAMAN BILL Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little worried about those clouds. He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are gray. Ed nods in agreement. ED Good thinkin' . We'll talk about Days Three and Four later. Now let's get that first shot off! It's Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window. THE CREW disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly make-up man, HARRY. ED Okay, do I need any touch-up? MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way to go. ED (irritated) Harry, we've discussed this a million times. I don't want to look like a girl. I want to look like myself. MAKE-UP MAN MARRY (disgruntled) Fine. Then you look beautiful . Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone. ED PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA! CAMERAMAN BILL (nonchalant) Rolling. WIDE Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and behind a building. ED'S VOICE And -- ACTION! A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda , calm and dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk. Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow. A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on display, then silently walks out of frame. A beat. Ed SCREAMS. ED And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON! CAMERAMAN BILL Don't you want a second take, for protection? ED (exhilarated) What's to protect? It was perfect! Suddenly a police car turns the corner. CREW MEMBER Cops! ED We don't have a permit. RUN! Everyone grabs equipment and takes off. WIPE TO: INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes. ED The set doesn't look right! It looks too... empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what's that thing over there? PAUL MARCO I don't know. ED Well it looks good. Let's use it! Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script. GEORGIE Ed! What's with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach ??! What's going on here? I can't afford to film this nonsense! ED Don't worry. We're not gonna film any of it. GEORGIE Then how's it gonna get in the picture ?! ED I know a guy in Universal's stock house -- he's giving me the footage for free. This movie's gonna look like a million bucks. Georgie nods. Oh, okay. O.S. VOICE Mr. Lugosi has arrived! Ed jumps excitedly. ED Oh my God! (he YELLS) Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone, when he walks on the stage (nobody is listening; so Ed uses his MEGAPHONE) Now everyone, when he walks on the stage, treat him normal. I know Bela Lugosi is a world-famous star, and you're all a little excited, but we're professionals. So if you treat him with respect, everything will be alright. AT THE STAGE DOOR The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly. Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm. ED Bela! It's so great to see you! (he glances at his watch) And eight o'clock on the dot. Right on time! BELA I am always on time. ED Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you... First, we're gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment -- BELA (he leans in and WHISPERS) Uh, Eddie, do you have my money? ED Huh?! Oh yeah, of course. Ed and Bela step over to a corner. ACROSS THE ROOM From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated. WIPE TO: LATER Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does his make-up. Harry glances at Bela's arm, and it is full of TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn't say anything. Conrad eagerly scurries up. CONRAD Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy, but could I have your autograph? BELA (cordial) Of course. Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it. CONRAD You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray." You were great as Karloff's sidekick. Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps. BELA "Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!! Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph. BELA Fuck you!! Karloff doesn't deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!! WIDE Ed panickedly runs up. ED What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do? CONRAD (upset, close to crying) Nothin'! I told him he was great. BELA How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR! Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage. Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch. Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs away. Ed leans in to Bela. ED You're right, Bela. Now Dracula, that's a part that takes acting. BELA Of course! Dracula requires presence . It's all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand -- Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him. ED Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk... and then we'll come back and shoot the scene? BELA BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!! The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them. ED Um, okay... roll camera CAMERAMAN BILL (unsure) Rolling. ED Sound! SOUNDMAN Speed. CAMERA ASSISTANT Mark. Scene Thirty-One. The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs. ED And... action? It's dead quiet. Nobody knows what's about to happen. WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And... he suddenly assumes character. Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister leer, then starts intoning threateningly: BELA (as the SPIRIT) "Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware. Take care. Beware!" CLOSEUP - ED He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement. ED Brilliant. WIPE TO: INT. STAGE - NEXT DAY Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies' wig and earrings. She stares in disbelief. DOLORES How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people? ED Hon', nobody's bothered but you. (he gestures) Look around -- they couldn't care less. DOLORES Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS! ED Say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you in his trailer. Dolores quiets down. She feels bad. ED Dolores. I need your help... WIPE TO: FILMING IN PROGRESS - LATER A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as Barbara) stare into each other's eyes. He's dressed normal, and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater. ED (as GLEN) "My mind's in a muddle. I thought I could stop wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried..." DOLORES (as BARBARA) (tentative) "Glen, I don't fully understand this. But maybe together -- we can work it out." She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and gives it to Ed. He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly. ED Music swells... and CUT and PRINT IT! Ed and Dolores hug. CUT TO: INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores taking off her angora and giving it to Ed. WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the movie. Ed smiles proudly. ED And we fade out. "The End." (the film runs out) What do you think? Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead. GEORGIE I think it's fifty-seven minutes long. ED Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it? GEORGIE (like a lecturing teacher) Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long . I've got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain't over an hour, they won't play it. ED Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won't notice. GEORGIE They'll notice. (beat) Look, why don't you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots... ED Um, I guess -- GEORGIE Good. And one more thing. I think your "Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea. ED Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props. GEORGIE And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. Trust me. It's a career killer. Ed is quite upset. ED But I'm proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in "Citizen Kane"! GEORGIE Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??! Ed is beaten. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT It's the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people are packed into a tiny screening room. The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare, and then: "Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA" Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles. Credits continue: "Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller" The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out. BUNNY Daniel Who ?! Dolores leans in to Ed. DOLORES Ed, who is Daniel Davis? ED (sour) Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses. DISSOLVE TO: LATER IN THE MOVIE ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed. DOLORES (on screen) "Glen. Is it another woman?" Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response. But suddenly -- MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo stampeding . Bela's angry face is superimposed over this. BELA (on screen) "Pull the string! Pull the string!" IN THE AUDIENCE People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval. ON-SCREEN Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a hoochie-coochie dance! IN THE AUDIENCE The crowd is stunned. CAMERAMAN BILL I didn't shoot that! Ed looks back at Georgie, who's wearing a big satisfied grin. ED Georgie, what's with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots ! GEORGIE I did. I established some tits and ass. Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie. INT. PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores. Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD. BELA Wasn't I something..? Did you see how I command the screen?! Ed's giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer. BUNNY Ed, it was superb. CONRAD A great show! A little strange... but great -- especially my scenes. ED Just like I always promised. Now you're among the immortals. You're movie stars. PAUL MARCO (he raises his glass) Here's to Ed. For making us into something. It's a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses. Dolores kisses Ed. CUT TO: EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE - DAY We're outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck. ED From today on, our lives are different! We'll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did. DOLORES I don't know. It's so much money... ED Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you're supposed to grab. DOLORES But Ed, we're not even married. And you don't have a job. ED But you do! And anyway, I've got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me! She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly. ED Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what's the worst they can do? DOLORES Toss us out on our ass. ED Exactly. INT. BUNGALOW - DAY The house is moved in. Ed's unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby. ED How 'bout a western? People love westerns. BELA But, I don't like horses. Do I have to get on one? ED Eh, forget it. What else is big? (his face lights up) Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah... You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks -- BELA Who do I play? ED Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He's angry ! He doesn't like seeing his son -- no -- he doesn't like seeing his daughter behave this way! BELA (cautious, not to offend) Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl... Ed considers this. ED Sure. Romance, that's great! To engineer your comeback, we're gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once "Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll slam you into one, then another, then another! BELA (he smiles) That's good. I could use the money. ED But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit? BELA (he thinks) Hmm... my biggest hit? That would probably be "Dracula." ED Of course! Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word "DRACULA." Bela frowns. BELA Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can't get the time of day. ED So let's make another "Dracula." Let's make "The Return of Dracula"! BELA We can't. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights. ED They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that... Ed's mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period after the "DR." It now says "DR.ACULA" ED Ha-ha! Dr. Acula! BELA Dracula? ED No! Doctor Acula ! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs... but you're a doctor! Not a count. BELA Ah! This is very exciting. ED (inspired) I gotta type this up, while it's still fresh! Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page, and starts typing. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - DAY We're outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible. He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD. ED Excuse me, I'm here to see Mr. Feldman. The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking oil. GUARD What's your name? ED Edward D. Wood, Junior. The man frowns. He looks through his files -- then finds a parking slip with Ed's name. He is surprised. GUARD Oh. Eh, he's in the Executive Building. You can park in the reserved section. Ed smiles. INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM - DAY The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors. Ed sits nervously under posters for "GRAND HOTEL" and "QUO VADIS." Film cans labled "Glen Or Glenda" rest in his lap. SECRETARY Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now. She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open. INT. OFFICE Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over- caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling. MR. FELDMAN Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you. ED (shaking his hand) It's Wood. Ed Wood. MR. FELDMAN Wood? Ward? Wood. (puzzled, he glances at his appointment book) Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right? Ed shrugs. Feldman grins. MR. FELDMAN So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I've got my own movie. MR. FELDMAN Really?! Well good for you. ED I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week. MR. FELDMAN Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know them. ED Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm givin' you first crack at my talents. MR. FELDMAN I can't wait to take a look. (he claps his hands) So what's up next? Ed leans in. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe in thinking small. So I've got a whole slate of pictures for you: "The Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes West"... and "Doctor Acula"! MR. FELDMAN Doctor Acula? I don't get it. ED Dr. Acula ! Ed writes it out, "DR. ACULA," then waves it in Feldman's face. Feldman nods. MR. FELDMAN Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it. (beat) I don't like it. ED But Bela Lugosi's in it! MR. FELDMAN Lugosi's washed-up. What else you got? Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps. ED Well... I've got another project I wasn't gonna tell you about. Lugosi's in it, but he's got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is "Bride Of The Atom." MR. FELDMAN Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. (he smiles) I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together. Ed is elated. INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM - DAY Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush screening room. They are viewing "Glen Or Glenda." ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie speaks: SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.) "Give this man satin undies, a dress, and a sweater... and he's the happiest man in the world. He can work better, think better, even play better -- and be more of a credit to his community and his government." ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES They are stupefied. Yikes! EXECUTIVE #1 What the hell is this?! EXECUTIVE #2 Is this an actual movie?! EXECUTIVE #1 It can't be. EXECUTIVE #2 It's fuckin' ridiculous! Feldman squints at the screen. FELDMAN Wait a minute . That guy in the dress -- he's the one I met with today! This must be a big PUT-ON! (he CHUCKLES) It's probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes! Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a "Los Angeles Herald-Express," eagerly opens it to the entertainment pages... and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts rifling through the pages -- something is wrong. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed angrily shouts into the phone. ED Georgie, what happened?! I thought "Glen Or Glenda" was opening next week! Where's the ads? An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears. GEORGIE (pissed-off) "Where's the ads"?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.! ED Why not?? GEORGIE Because I can't sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I'm beggin' people to book it. ED (insulted) Maybe it needs special handling. GEORGIE Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: "Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit. ED You can't talk that way about my movie. GEORGIE "Your movie"?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you!!! Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off, leaving Ed standing alone. Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up. CUT TO: INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The crowd CHEERS raucously. We're at the Saturday Night Wrestling Matches! In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny's new YOUNG MALE "FRIEND." Seated around them are hollering truckers and ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed. BUNNY So guess where I'm going next weekend? ED I don't know. Where? BUNNY Mexico! And guess what I'm going to do there?! ED (not enjoying this game) I dunno. Lie on the beach? BUNNY WRONG! I'm getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they're gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN! Ed is astonished. ED Jesus! Are you serious? BUNNY Yes! I've dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I've got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS! The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face. DOLORES Ssh! Will you keep it down? The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth. RING ANNOUNCER (amplified) Now entering the ring, in the gold trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of pure strength, the "Swedish Angel"... Tor Johnson!!! The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from the SHOUTING. Ed's eyes are the size of saucers. ED My God, look at that guy. He's a mountain! The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes. People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted. ED I've never seen anything like him! BUNNY And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are getting married -- ED (eyes glued to the ring) Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster ! Can you imagine what that guy would be like in a movie? ON TOR He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs get knocked over. CUT TO: EXT. WRESTLER'S BAR - NIGHT A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is squeezed inside -- ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar. INT. WRESTLER'S BAR - SAME TIME This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in, and men cheerily yell out: "Hey, Tor!" "Hi, Tor!" Tor grins. In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow. Ed waves from the corner ED Mr. Johnson, over here! Tor smiles and lumbers over ED Glad you could fit me in your schedule. TOR (in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT) Da pleasure be mine. They shake hands. Ed's hands look like a baby's in Tor's giant mitts. Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can't fit. TOR Could we moovf to table? ED Oh, of course! Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy. He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth. ED So, Mr. Johnson -- TOR Tor! ED Tor. Have you ever thought about becoming an actor? TOR (he CHUCKLES) Mm, not good-lookink enough. ED I think you're quite handsome. TOR No. With hair, yah. But I must shave head for wrestlink. It scare da crowds. Dey like that. Ed smiles. ED Well, I think you'd be a sensation in pictures. TOR But what bout accent? Some people tink I haf too much accent. ED Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a visual medium. A WAITRESS saunters over. WAITRESS Tor, what can I get ya? TOR I'll haf eight beers. WAITRESS (nonchalant, to Ed) And you? ED Uhh, I'll have just one. She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl. TOR And more nuts! Ed tries to grab Tor's attention. ED So anyway, I've got this new script, "Bride Of The Atom," and there's a part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's tough. A brute. But he has a heart -- and at the end he saves the girl. TOR (he laughs merrily) I like. When do movie shoot? ED Hopefully, very soon. I'm just awaiting the final okay from Mr. Feldman at MGM. CUT TO: INT. ED'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed fumbles for it and groggily answers. ED Wood Productions... We hear Bela's weak VOICE. BELA (on phone) Eddie... help me... ED Bela? BELA (on phone) Eddie... please come over -- CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed. EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT The wind is blowing. Ed's Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela's door. ED Bela?! Ed tries the door. It's unlocked. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees: Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies next to him. The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent, Bela looks up through half-opened eyes. BELA Eddie... my friend. Aghast, Ed runs over. ED Bela, what happened?! BELA I didn't feel well... ED Let me take you to the hospital. BELA No hospital. Just take me to the couch... Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and robust, peers down. ED Should I call a doctor? BELA Nah. This happens all the time... Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head. ED Is there anything I can get you? Water? A blanket? BELA Goulash. ED (distressed) I don't know how to make goulash. Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause. ED What's in the needle? BELA Morphine, with a demerol chaser. (he starts crying) Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know what I'm gonna do... ED Don't worry. I'll do something. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate. ED (on phone) Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up. Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna be working together? (his face slowly falls) Really ? Worst film you ever saw...? (beat) Well, my next one will be better. (beat) Hello? INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora. ED I'm no good. DOLORES Ed, it's just one man's opinion! ED Bela needs a job... I can't even get a film going... (listless) But of course I can't -- I made the worst movie of all time. DOLORES That's ridiculous. Ed sighs. ED All I wanna do is tell stories. The things I find interesting... DOLORES Well maybe you're not studio kind of material. Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself. Ed looks up. INT. BANK - DAY Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER. ED The movie is called "Bride Of The Atom"... INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats. ED ...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each of you would put up $20,000... EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone. ED Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi. He's still alive. (beat) Huh? Is he available Friday night? Gee, I suppose so... Why? cut TO: INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV: Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of hyped-up tumult. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They both read off SCRIPTS. BELA "Greetings. I am the Count." ED "Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure." Audience laughs. Applause. "Say, that's a funny place to sleep." BELA "It is my home." ED "Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh. "You need a new real estate agent." BELA "Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates --" Ed interrupts. ED No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look, just say "This casket has..." BELA (upset) Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness! An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in. ASSISTANT Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi. INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and a turban and is acting mysterious. HOST And then what's gonna happen? CRISWELL In 1960, the automobile will have retractable wings, so it can fly. HOST Sounds like a heck of a way to beat traffic. Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically. CRISWELL By 1970, Man will have colonized Mars. Millions of people will live there. Ed is mesmerized. ED Wow! Ain't that something. INT. STUDIO - LATER We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET: Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character, a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more APPLAUSE. BELA Greetings. I am the Count. HOST Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure. The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE. HOST Say, that's a funny place to sleep. BELA It is my home. HOST Oh, tract housing, huh? (he starts AD-LIBBING) I guess I shouldn't complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower . I still don't know where to hang the towels! The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He seems incredibly confused. BELA Uh, beg to differ. HOST "Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin' about my duplex in Burbank! BELA (terrified, groping) Uh, Greetings. I am the Count... BACKSTAGE Ed covers his face in embarrassment. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER The Host angrily storms past. HOST I told you we should've gotten Karloff. He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out. ED Bela, don't worry. You're better than all this crap. BELA (distraught) I never said I could ad-lib... ED Forget about it. We'll make our new movie, and you'll be a star again. They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela. CRISWELL Mr. Lugosi ! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself... I am CRISWELL! BELA (morose) It's a pleasure... CRISWELL Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over what happened tonight. (he points at his temple) I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success! ED Wow. CRISWELL And who may you be? ED Edward Wood, Sir. CRISWELL Ah. The director of "Glen Or Glenda." ED (startled) H-how'd you know?! CRISWELL I'm Criswell. I know all. Criswell winks. CUT TO: INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub. Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed, Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing. Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER. CRISWELL Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis -- hey Bela, would you like a wine? BELA No. I never drink -- wine. The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to Criswell. ED Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970? How'd you know it wouldn't be 1975, or even 1980? CRISWELL I guessed. ED I don't understand. CRISWELL I made it up. It's horseshit! Ed's jaw drops. CRISWELL There's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo. ED It's that easy? CRISWELL Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything. Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom. CUT TO: EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE step out and approach the DOORMAN. CONSERVATIVE MAN Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. DOORMAN Ah, that would be in the Venetian Room, sir. The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed. INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY. All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns, strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras in "The Great Gatsby." Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them. ED We're gonna have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film! A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation! BACKER'S WIFE I don't like scary movies. I go more for ones with love stories. ED (without dropping a beat) Well that's what this movie is ... a heartbreaking romance! It's about a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in love with a young cop, Dick Craig. ACROSS THE ROOM Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over. ED What do you think you're doin'?! CONRAD These shoes are itchy. ED You can't sit ! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they'll never invest in our movie. ACROSS THE PARTY Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm. AMAZED BACKER Bernie, get a load of this guy! TOR (proud of his size) Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54! AMAZED BACKER Whew! You're quite a specimen. (beat) And you're gonna be in the picture? TOR Yes. I play Lobo! ACROSS THE ROOM An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela's hand. HICK BACKER Mr. Lugosi, I can't believe I'm meeting you in person. This is one of the most exciting moments of my life. BELA Thank you. And you are? HICK BACKER Charlie Johnson! I manufacture toothpaste tubes. ACROSS THE PARTY Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone. CRISWELL I predict "Bride Of The Atom" will be the biggest moneymaker of all time! In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER. ED And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton. SOUTHERN BACKER And how much will this picture cost? ED In a normal studio it would be half-a-million, with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices. But because we're more efficient, we can bring it in for seventy grand! SOUTHERN BACKER Hmm. Well I'll consider it... EXT. BROWN DERBY - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers. ED Goodbye! Goodbye! BELA (to Ed) So how'd we do? ED (faking a big smile, but SOTTO VOCE to Bela) We didn't make a dime. IN THE PARKING LOT A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer. VALET That's twenty-five cents, sir. The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs. WIFE I gave all my money to the babysitter. The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful of PENNIES, and counts them out... CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S BACKYARD - DAY Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and drinking shots of whiskey. He's in a woman's pantsuit and fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out. DOLORES Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money. ED Tell him "Bride" is in pre- production. DOLORES Ed, the landlord doesn't care. ED That's the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard, I don't know what else to do! DOLORES Don't get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job. ED (upset) Dolores, don't you understand? I'm a director now! I made "Glen Or Glenda." Directing is my day job. DOLORES (irate) All I know is, ever since "Glen Or Glenda," all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes! Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate. PAUL MARCO Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news. ED (dour) Yeah...? PAUL MARCO Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She's from "old money," and he thinks she's loaded. And here's the kicker: She's very interested in the picture business! ANGLE - ED He slowly smiles. It's like sun breaking through rain clouds. CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY We're at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress. LORETTA Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta King. ED I understand you just moved here? LORETTA Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting. A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher. WAITER Water, Ma'am? LORETTA (suddenly freaking out) No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I'm terribly allergic to them! The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in. ED So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture. LORETTA Perhaps a small amount of money. (she smiles) How much do one of your motion pictures cost? ED For this one, we need $60,000. LORETTA That's all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture. Ed perks up. She's a live one! Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her. ED Perhaps you'd like to look at the photoplay. LORETTA Oh my, this is very interesting. (she skims the pages) Say... do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts? ED (very enthused) Oh, of course!! There's a couple characters you'd be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk! LORETTA Hmm. Those sound kind of small. (stopping at a page) Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I'd sure like to play her. Ed blanches. ED J-Janet Lawton??? LORETIA Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part to play. She's got some real meaty scenes! Can't you just see me in that part?? CU - ED He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at Loretta, then slowly croaks a response. ED Uh... yeah... (beat) You'd be perfect. CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S HOUSE - DAY We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside. DOLORES (o.s.) You bastard! You two-timing, dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!! INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects she hurls at him. ED It was the only way I could get the movie made! DOLORES Who do you think's been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?! ED I'm sorry! What did you want me to say? DOLORES I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores." ED But there's plenty of other parts. DOLORES Like what ?! ED (nervous) The secretary. Or the file clerk. Dolores is stunned. DOLORES YOU ASSHOLE! She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The sets are being erected for "Bride Of The Atom"! The crew hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises. He has a large band-aid on his head. ED This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes! BUNNY You mean a Tesla coil? ED If you say so. Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script. TOR Edvard! I haf question 'bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like. ED Really? Was the third act too intense? TOR (trying to be polite) No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don't talk. ED But Tor, it's a starring part! You're second billed. TOR Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk. Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this. ED Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn't talk! They did it all with their face. TOR (still bothered) But Greta say -- Loretta walks over, holding two dresses. LORETTA Eddie, which dress do you like better? ED I don't know. (he yells o.s.) Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one? Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints. CAMERAMAN BILL Which one is the red one? ED (confused) What do you mean? CAMERAMAN BILL I mean I can't see the difference. I'm color-blind. (beat) But I like the dark gray one. WIPE TO: LATER The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set. ED ACTION! Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses, the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction through a megaphone. ED Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff. You're upset. You've worked so hard on this experisent, and you don't want to see it fail. (Bela stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Bela exits) Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT! Ed claps his hands triumphantly. ED Alright, let's go immediately to Scene 52. Tor, are you in place? TOR'S VOICE Yah. ED Okay, CUE RAINSTORM! Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can. ED And roll camera! ACTION! Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door. Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone. ED Okay, you're Lobo. You're upset. You've worked so hard helping Dr. Vornoff on this experiment, and you don't want to see it fail. (Tor stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Tor exits) Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT! OFF STAGE Bela talks to Tor. BELA At Universal, they shot two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty or thirty! He's incredible. BACK ON SET Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed. CAMERAMAN BILL Hey Ed, shouldn't we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway. ED No, it's fine. It's real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day. WIPE TO: LABORATORY SET - LATER They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner. ED Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator? PAUL MARCO We couldn't afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner. ED Nah, it'll work. Where's Bela? Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him. ED Bela, are you ready? BELA (he groggily wakes up) Mmph? Where am I? ED You're shooting "Bride Of The Atom." Scene 85. Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them. Ed walks Bela onto the lab set. ED You'll be sitting on the right. BELA (he glares at the sparking Tesla coils) I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on "The Return Of Chandu." ED Okay. Then you'll be sitting on the left . Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown. ED Here's the scene. Loretta, you're in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you're supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish... and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you. TOR Okey-dokey. WIPE TO: SHOOTING - LATER The scene begins. ED ACTION! BELA (as VORNOFF) "Now we are ready for the girl." Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a zombie, she climbs onto the operating table. BELA "Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty -- shit!" (he breaks character) Damn! Eddie, I'm sorry I can't remember all this. I'm an old man. It's too long. ED That's fine, Bela. We're still rolling. Just say "Dear, you're lovely." BELA (he snaps back into character) "Dear, you're lovely." (he turns to Tor) "Strap her to the table." Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed, then suddenly refuses. Bela is furious. BELA "Do as I command you!" Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor. Tor screams in agony. BELA "I'll teach you to disobey me!" Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him. ED And, CUT!!! Impeccable! ON TOR He dances about happily. TOR I love being movie star! Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces. LORETTA Ow. Not so hard, Tor. ON ED A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed. SURLY STAGE MANAGER Hey, Wood. Your check bounced. ED Okay, I'll get you the money later. SURLY STAGE MANAGER No. I need it NOW. Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside. ED Sorry to bother you while we're shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money. LORETTA Well then you should pay him, shouldn't you? ED (he smiles) Yeah. Exactly! There's a pause. They stare at each other. ED I kinda need it now. LORETTA (baffled) What are you looking at me like that for? I already gave you my three hundred. ED Yeah. Well I need the other sixty-thousand. LORETTA What other sixty-thousand? ED The other sixty-thousand you said you'd give me. LORETTA You misunderstood. I gave you everything I have in the world: Three-hundred dollars. CLOSEUP - ED He looks like he s going to throw up. ED Oh my God. CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The large stage door SLAMS shut. Ed's disoriented cast and crew stand in the street. Bela, Tor, and Loretta are still in costume. Ed looks totally dazed. He blinks in the bright sunlight. CUT TO: INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're back at the Brown Derby, for another backers party. The same banner is hanging: "BRIDE OF THE ATOM -- NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" The whole crowd is there, dressed up. Bela sits in the corner, knocking back a drink. BELA Here we go again. Paul whispers to Bunny. PAUL MARCO So is Dolores coming? BUNNY (very catty) I can't imagine why. I wouldn't put up with a boyfriend who sold me out for three-hundred dollars...! ON ED Ed stands with a circle of POTENTIAL BACKERS. He has an edge of desperation we've never seen before. ED ...lemme tell you, you can't lose. It's scary! And if you don't like that, it's romantic! Bela Lugosi portrays Dr. Vornoff, and lovely ingenue Loretta King is reporter Janet Lawton. POTENTIAL BACKER Hmm. Lugosi looks pretty old. (he squints across the room) Which role is Vampira playing? ED Vampira ...? (bewildered) Why do you ask?? POTENTIAL BACKER Well I see her standing over there. The guy points. Ed turns and looks and Vampira is standing in the next room . She's at a different party. ED Well... she's playing -- (beat) Could you excuse me one moment?? Ed dashes from the room. NEXT ROOM OVER Vampira is drinking with a bunch of artsy-fartsy types. She's in street clothes, but clearly recognizable. Ed runs up. ED Excuse me, Miss Vampira? VAMPIRA Yes? ED (sweaty) You don't know me, but my name is Ed Wood. I'm a film producer. I'm currently in production on a science-fiction piece, with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. And I saw you here, and I thought: Kismet! Vampira stares, totally uncomprehending. VAMPIRA I don't understand. Do you want my autograph? ED No. I think my film is perfect for you. VAMPIRA You want me to show it on my TV program? Well I got nothing to do with that. You should call up the station manager at Channel Seven -- ED (unyielding) No! I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it ! See, maybe I should explain: We started shooting, but then after three days we got shut down. So we're having a backers party, to raise some more money. Perhaps you'd like to come next door and meet some of the backers...? Vampire glances at her friends. They uncomfortably turn away. VAMPIRA Uh, look, I'm with some friends, and we're about to eat -- ED (begging) Please! It'll only take a minute. You can have some hors d'oeuvres, and meet my backers! There's a really nice dentist from Oxnard... VAMPIRA (pissed off) Look buddy, I'm a big star. I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. So forget it! BACK AT THE PARTY The backers glance into the next room. Ed is in front of Vampira, begging on his hands and knees. BACKER (to another backer) I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here. The backers pick up their coats. Through the doorway, Ed sees this. He jumps up and frantically runs back in. ED Where are you guys going?! You can't leave! BACKER (running out) Goodbye, Mr. Wood. ED (insane) You can't go! You haven't seen the storyboards! The backers run out of the room. They're gone. Ed shouts after them. ED Fine! SCREW YOU! If you don't have the balls to roll the dice, then I don't want your stinking money!! No response. ED Please, come back! CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES' HOUSE - DAY Ed and Dolores are being evicted. Their belongings are scattered in front. They bitterly carry furniture out of the house. Ed stumbles and slurs his speech. He is drunk . ED Goddamn landlord. DOLORES I told you this was gonna happen. ED Maybe if you'd come to the backers party, I would've gotten the money. DOLORES That's moronic. Why would a bit player impress a backer? ED (he starts yelling) Look, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I blew it! I thought she was rich. DOLORES That's a good reason to dump your girlfriend. ED I didn't dump you ! Get it through your skull -- I just recast the part! Ed drops the furniture. He flops onto the sidewalk. DOLORES You're a fuckin' mess. ED So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out where we're gonna stay. DOLORES I'm going to my mother's. ED Does she have room for me? Dolores shakes her head. DOLORES I think you should stay with one of your friends. CUT TO: EXT. TOWERING TEMPLE - NIGHT Ed and Bela stroll through a parking lot. Ed is sobered up and remorseful. Bela wears a beret and smokes a huge cigar. ED Bela, I don't know what I'm doin' anymore... BELA Stop worrying. This is going to raise your spirits. They reach the strange entrance to an avant-garde, Eastern based quasi-religious temple. Bela puts out his cigar, and they enter the oversized doors. INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME Sphinxes and Bodhisatvas peer down from the marble walls. A service is in progress. A wiry, enigmatic LECTURER speaks. LECTURER Thou eternal sun, who has covered the consciousness with thy golden disc, do thou remove the veil so that I may see the truth within? Bela leads Ed to a seat, stepping past men in fezzes and odd elderly women in fur coats. As the lecture continues, Ed WHISPERS in bafflement. ED What is this place? BELA This is the Philosophical Research Society. A refuge for free thinkers. I've been coming here for twenty years. LECTURER ...for the truth which is within thee is within me. And I am Truth. BELA Most people in this country, they know nothing, about Eastern mysticism. They are afraid of it. (beat) But I am open-minded. It gives me hope. LECTURER We have the wisdom to govern and the divine right to inherit the earth in good condition. We have the power to build worlds. Ed leans in to Bela. ED Was I wrong to cast Loretta? BELA Bad decisions are easy to live with. Forget. Just keep looking forward. ED But was it a bad decision? At the time, I thought her money would save the movie. BELA Eddie, you screwed up. ED (he nods) Yeah, I did. CUT TO: LATER The lecture is over. The speaker shakes hands with people. Bela leads Ed along. BELA In life, the decisions that haunt you are the ones where you just don't know... where right or wrong will never be answered. (beat) Years ago, the Hungarians contacted me. The government wanted me to come home, to be Minister of Culture. ED Really? BELA It was a very impressive offer. Fancy offices, a big home... I'd be treated like a king. ED So why didn't you do it? BELA I didn't know if it was a trick. They might arrest me and throw me in a gulag. (pause) I am Hungary's most famous emigrant. they'd use me as a lesson to anyone who tries to leave. ED But maybe not. BELA Correct. So instead, I stayed here, waiting for my comeback. Always hoping... the next film, the next film... that would be the one. They reach the exit. Ed stops in the huge doorway. ED Your next film. That will be the one. Bela smiles sweetly. CUT TO: INT. MCCOY MEATPACKING PLANT - DAY We're in a noisy meat-packing plant. WORKERS in blood-stained aprons slam cleavers into hunks of beef. Ed walks down an aisle with DONALD E. McCOY, a wealthy Texan meat man. Old Man McCoy is a tough-talking, tobacco-chewing, straight shooter. ED ...and then Dr. Vornoff falls in the pit, and his own octopus attacks and eats him! The End. OLD MAN McCOY Whew! That's quite a story. So you made the movie, and now you want to make it again? ED (gently correcting him) No. We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds. OLD MAN McCOY Son, you're too vague. I come from the world of business. I need to know what I get for my investment. ED Movies are very popular. You could make a lot of money. OLD MAN McCOY Yeah, but most of 'em flop, don't they? What am I tangibly guaranteed? ED Well... you get "Executive Producer" credit. OLD MAN McCOY That don't mean diddley. (he suddenly SHOUTS angrily) BILLY BOB! You're cutting 'em TOO LEAN. McCoy grabs a CLEAVER from a worker and slams it into a chop. ED Mr. McCoy, how can I make you happy? OLD MAN McCOY Cut to the chase, heh? That's good! That's very good. McCoy SPITS his tobacco. OLD MAN McCOY Okay, two things. Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion. Sky full of smoke. ED But the story ends with Dr. Vornoff falling in the pit -- OLD MAN McCOY Not anymore. And number two: I've got a son. He's a little slow -- but a good boy. And something tells me he'd make a hell of a leading man... Under Ed's cheery frozen smile, his face clearly falls. CUT TO: INT. SALT LAKE CITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT We're at a ROWDY wrestling match. Tor Johnson is in the middle of a screaming, four-man tag-team event. Tor THROWS his opponent to the ground; then tags with his partner and goes to the corner. Suddenly a WRESTLING COACH runs up, dragging a telephone on a very long cord. WRESTLING COACH Tor, you got a phone call! TOR Heh? NOW? WRESTLING COACH They said it was an emergency! He hands sweaty Tor the phone. Tor speaks into it. TOR Hallo? ED'S VOICE Tor, this is Ed! Glad I could find you! I got the money, and we resume shooting tomorrow morning! TOR But I'm in Utah. ED'S VOICE Then you'll have to drive all night! I'm counting on you, big guy. Breakfast is at seven. CLICK. Ed hangs up. Tor is flabbergasted. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - EARLY MORNING "Bride Of The Atom" is back in production! Ed's stock company is reunited. People drink coffee and gossip. PAUL MARCO This is unbelievable! I woulda bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture. CAMERAMAN BILL It ain't finished yet. Anything could happen. The stage door opens and standing there, in silhouette, is Dolores . Everybody quiets. People glance nervously at Loretta. BUNNY Uh-oh. Stay out of scratching distance. AT DOLORES Ed runs over. Dolores is beautifully made-up, and wearing a furry angora sweater. Ed speaks, awkwardly. ED Honey, you made it! I wasn't sure you got my message. DOLORES (icy) Of course I'm here. Today is the file clerk's big scene. ED That's right... DOLORES I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here. (she looks around) Say, who's the lug? In a corner, standing by himself, is dumb TONY McCOY, Old Man McCoy's worthless son. He's a good-looking, moody hunk. Tony is practicing his lines from a script, but he's terribly stiff. TONY "Now Janet, I want you straying away -- oops -- staying away from the old Willows Place." Ed shrugs. ED That's Tony McCoy. He's playing Lieutenant Dick Craig. DOLORES Oh really? How much money did he put up? ED None. (beat) But his dad gave me fifty grand. DOLORES (snide) Wood Productions. The mark of quality. ED Hey, the movie's getting made . That's the main thing. Dolores shakes her head contemptuously. Then she strides off. Ed stands alone, feeling bad. WIPE TO: ON STAGE The set is a one-wall "office hallway": A doorway and a water cooler. Loretta sits in a make-up chair, as Harry works on her. DOLORES (O.S.) Hey Harry -- long time no see. Harry turns, surprised. Dolores stands behind him. There's a thick tension. He smiles anxiously. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY Hi Dolores... LORETA Oh, you're Dolores?! I've heard so much about you! I'm Loretta King. (she chipperly jumps up) Here, take the chair. DOLORES (bitchy) Don't be silly -- let Harry finish. You still need more work. LORETTA No, I'm done. All I needed was a touch-up. DOLORES Mm, that mole still shows. Loretta frowns. Ed quickly steps in. ED Ladies! You both look fine. Why don't we talk about the scene? (beat) Okay. Janet Lawton has discovered that Dr. Vornoff bought the old Willows estate. So now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true. Dolores nods sourly. She s in a trouble-making mood. DOLORES Eddie, what's my motivation? ED (thrown off) Oh. Er... well you're the file clerk. You're hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet. DOLORES But what's our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance? ED (annoyed) Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around. WIPE TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT We're watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: "Action!" Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past and shouts out. DOLORES (as File Clerk) "Janet, the boss has been looking for you." LORETTA (as Janet Lawton) "Thanks." Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed: "CUT! PERFECT!" Dolores turns deadpan to the camera. DOLORES Of course it was. The FILM runs out. ON THE AUDIENCE The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in gloomy haze. Suddenly, there's loud CLAPPING from the back of the room. CRISWELL Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico! ED (he smiles) Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot. CRISWELL My pleasure. I'm always happy to assist in a little larceny. CUT TO: INT. CADILLAC - NIGHT g pink Cadillac convertible races down the Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul to the back. TOR My head is cold. CRISWELL You know how much this car cost me? CONRAD Ten thousand dollars. CRISWELL ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West herself sold it to me. She said, Cris, you belong in a pink Cadillac! Criswell turns to Ed. CRISWELL Incidentally, you promise you're not going to scratch my car...? ED (cocky) I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o' cake. EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men climb over a fence. They're breaking into Republic Studios. Paul is panicked. PAUL MARCO Ed, you said you were getting permission. ED Uh, I couldn't reach the guy... he was in meetings all day. But this'll be great, I promise! Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles. TOR I'm no good at climbink. Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate. Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs. TOR I'm good at bashink!! CRISWELL Hey, keep it down. My publicist will throttle me if we get caught. They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary sets tower over them. OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE They reach a stage door. Ed tries it -- but it's locked. ED Oh. I thought they kept this open. A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins. TOR Lobo will fix! Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines, rocketships, a stuffed vulture... strange mysterious props from untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness. It's a place of wonderment and fear. The men stare in awe. CONRAD Wow. PAUL MARCO This place gives se the creeps. Let's get the hell out of here. ED Not so fast. First we have to get it down. Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up. THEIR POV A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling. CUT TO: LATER Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for the octopus. He shouts nervously. PAUL MARCO You're sure this is gonna work? ED (O.S.) Yes! PAUL MARCO You're sure ??? ED (O.S.) YES! JUST DO IT! WIDE VIEW Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms outstretched, waiting. Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul. Paul gulps, then unties the octopus. It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton. Tor's eyes widen. And the octopus smashes straight on top of him. BAM! Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off. UP IN THE CATWALK Criswell moans. CRISWELL Oh my God. We killed him. ON THE GROUND Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath. ED Tor! Are you okay?! A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up, battered but smiling. TOR Bedder than wrestlink! EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous octopus on their shoulders. Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them. ANGRY VOICE Hey! What are you doing?! The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run. CRISWELL Thank God Tor broke the fence. The team runs through the busted gate and escapes. EXT. STUDIOS - NIGHT The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the five men. WIPE TO: EXT. GRIFFITH PARK - NIGHT The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and generators are sprawled across this isolated area. Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He runs lines by himself. TONY "Now Janet, I want you staying away from the old Willows Place." The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There's only about an inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad. ED You don't understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake ! CONRAD This is kind of a stream-- ED NO! It has to be UNDERWATER! Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head. IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails over Ed. BELA Eddie, I'm so tired... I don't know if I can handle a night shoot... ED Nonsense! You look great -- (suddenly he catches himself; he speaks more sincerely) Look, uh, why don't you lie down and take a little nap? We'll film around you for a while. ED Thanks, buddy... Ed smiles warmly, then walks off. Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through his pockets. Finally, he finds what he's looking for -- a rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one's around, then ties the tube around his upper arm... AT THE SET - LATER Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water . Ed stands at the shore, admiring it. ED Hey. This is looking good! (he turns to Paul) Paul, where's the octopus motor? PAUL MARCO What octopus motor? ED You know, to make the legs move -- PAUL MARCO (defensive) Hey, don't blame me! You didn't say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling! Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile. BELA Let's shoot this fucker! Where do I go? ED You'll be fighting with the octopus. BELA Out there ?! (he points at the water) What happened to the stream? ED This'll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater. BELA Oh, for Christ's sake. Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He screams. BELA Goddamn, it's cold! ED Once you're in it, it warms up. BELA Fuck you! You come out here. (beat) Hey, toss me that J.D. A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels. Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus. BELA Okay! How do we turn this thing on? ED Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it's killing you. Bela stares, deadpan. BELA Do you know I turned down "Frankenstein"? ED Huh? BELA After I did "Dracula," the studio offered me "Frankenstein"! But I turned it down, the part wasn't sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me. The crew glances at Ed. ED Bela, I've got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight. BELA Don't let me slow you down. ED Alright! Let's put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND! Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera. ED ACTION! Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in horror. This image is truly ridiculous. Ed is pleased. Some crew members nod: Pretty good. ED And CUT! Everybody cheers. Then suddenly the dam walls BURST. WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park below. WIPE TO: EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES - EARLY MORNING Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the entrance, greeting them. ED C'mon! Just one more day! Just have some coffee, you'll feel better! Tony staggers up. TONY Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of sleep. ED Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I feel great! Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him. ED Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night. BELA (exhausted) That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty. ED No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me. A great man like you shouldn't have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning. BELA Well, there aren't too many other fellas I'd do it for... ED (he smiles, then pulls out a script page) I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you've made... and so I wrote you a new final speech. Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches anxiously. Bela is very touched. BELA (still reading) Eddie, this is quite a scene. ED I know it's a lot to give you at the last second. Bela looks up. BELA These lines -- I'll have no problem remembering. WIPE TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a threatening European. STROWSKI "Our government wants you to return... to continue your experiments there. Where you can have everything at your disposal." BELA (as VORNOFF) "My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my home land. I was classed as a madman -- a charlatan -- outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius!" (he gets very subdued) "Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am alright." STROWSKI "Yes, the authorities have learned how correct your findings were. So I am here -- sent to bring you home." BELA (impassioned) "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" It's an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is totally drained. CU - ED He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible. ED Cut. It's a wrap. CUT TO: INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - NIGHT The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant. People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta. Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself. Bela and Criswell are giggling. CRISWELL So you sleep in coffins?! BELA Yes. There is nothing more comfortable. CRISWELL I can't believe this! I sleep in coffins! BELA No. CRISWELL YES! My father ran a mortuary -- it's an old habit! They CLINK beers. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a tin sign. GIRLFRIEND #1 "McCoy Meat Packing"? Are you sure there's a party here? VAMPIRA (holding an INVITATION) Yeah, I got this invitation. It's a "Bride Of The Atom" party, whatever that means. They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash. INT. PARTY Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat. PAUL MARCO "Glen Or Glenda," now that was a hell of a picture. CONRAD Well, this new one's gonna be a hundred times better. PAUL MARCO Is that possible? Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief. AT THE TURNTABLE Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins. A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag. Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING. Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind. VOICE Go, baby, go! Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed's fake tits. People LAUGH hysterically. Dolores is appalled. Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees Vampira and waves. Vampira's jaw drops in recognition. VAMPIRA I don't believe it. It's him ! Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage -- and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips, then suddenly yanks out his teeth! This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and CLAPS crazily. ANGLE - DOLORES Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes. DOLORES You people are INSANE! Take a look around -- you're all FREAKS! The room quiets. Dolores has snapped. DOLORES You're wasting your lives making SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies are TERRIBLE! (beat) I can't take it any longer! The group is shocked. Nobody speaks. Dolores runs out of the party. Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her