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The first song is called "Where Will I Keep My Toys?" It features a little girl asking her teddy bear where she'll live, how she will store all her things, where her birthday party will be held, who's going to be hold her all through the night ... if you weren't paralyzed with panic before she started singing, you will be by the end of it. This song was written for one reason only: to destroy self-centered children. Oh, were you watching this tape for comfort? Well, suck it up. They couldn't afford Orko and comfort.

The next song is called "WE GOT FEELINGS! (WE GOT FEELINGS! WE GOT FEELINGS!)" I think it's about the dangers of leaving horse adrenaline where children can find it. Orko transforms two kids into a divorce video producer's idea of rock stars, and what happens next is beyond all enthusiasm. The children sing about feelings as if the only feeling they've ever known is burning alive. I'm not exaggerating. Any doctor would look at these two kids perform and tell you that their hearts are exploding. They dance the same way a demon tells you it's now occupying what was once your daughter.

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Before the third song begins, Orko plays a montage of kids telling you that you shouldn't feel bad about being mad or sad. See if you can spot the children from the last video screaming in pain from the jazziest corner of hell. It's as if this fruitball script were written by feeding Alpha-Bits to Care Bears and calling them fat until they purged. Speaking of vomit, this third song is fucked. Bad actors pretend to love each other and rub cookie dough on one another, and the music sounds like the adult contemporary genre selected a champion to go out into the world and destroy all music. If there is an elevator in Phil Collins' mouth, this is what the penises trapped inside it hate listening to. My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years, and this song was the first time I ever considered killing myself over it.