PORTLAND, OR—As the Trail Blazers face off against the Spurs in the second round of the NBA Playoffs this week, an unsettling ESPN.com article published Friday reportedly disturbed readers by praising Portland’s roster of young, tantalizingly voluptuous basketball talent. “This is a team packed deep with young, hot, firm playmakers,” read an excerpt from the comprehensive team profile by ESPN analyst Tim Legler, which contains extensive descriptions of a “tender yet simultaneously rock-hard team” and includes over 500 words devoted to the “throbbing backcourt presence” of Blazers point guard Damian Lillard. “These guys have everything: finesse, energy, and more than a little bit of sass. And with so many of them younger than 24 years of age, we’ll be able to keep our eyes on their lithe, muscular, tempting bodies for many, many years to come. I for one am definitely looking forward to it.” According to sources, the article is the seventh such story authored by Legler this year.

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