1. If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble.

2. When you tell us about a business lunch you had with a woman, it's a good idea to tell us that she's fat, ugly, old, or a lesbian. Preferably all of them.

3. PMS is real. It's chemical, and it sucks. If someone told you that every thirty days you were going to get jacked repeatedly in the nuts, you'd be pissy around day twenty-six, too.

4. When we say, "I don't feel connected," the only appropriate response is, "I feel it, too. Let's go out for a nice dinner and reconnect." Try it. You will get laid.

5. If you can locate the following items in our home -- tape, casserole dish, Christmas ornaments -- you will get laid.

6. If you act excited about the bath mat we bought at Target, you will get laid.

7. We really want to have kids. That is, until you want to have kids. Then: "Hey, slow down. What about my career? It's my body. I'm not just a depository for your sperm, you know. Fuck off. Wait, come back. I'm sorry about that. It's sweet you want to have kids. Let's talk about it in a year."

8. You know what's really gay? Football. Instead of watching it, just have sex with another dude once a year. Get it all out of your system at once.

9. We can make a "celebrity safe list" if you want. But I am way more likely to get Patrick Dempsey to fuck me in a bathroom than you are to get Lindsay Lohan to suck you off in your car.

10. Okay, wait. Maybe not Lindsay Lohan. But you know what I mean.

Jenna Fischer stars in NBC's The Office and in the upcoming figure-skating comedy Blades of Glory.

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