Are Benchies to blame for Dino’s life of crime?

Kingston, New York — On the night of January 27, 2019, Dino Clark sneaked into his dad’s home office, pushed a footstool over to the desk, and climbed over to the Ender 3 Pro 3D printer. He then proceeded to smash chewing gum into various belts and gears. The reason for this sabotage: to stop his father from printing Benchy Boats and giving them to Dino as birthday and Christmas presents.

“Since always can I premember, “Dino told a reporter, “I get Benchy Boats for all my birffdays, different colors, big ones and small ones, but that’s all I get.” The boy said “Benchy Boats” are little toy tugboats made of plastic. He said every time his dad gets a new spool of filament, the plastic thread used to print 3D objects, he tests the settings by printing a Benchy. “Sometimes the boats are hairy or look like they gotst boogers on them. When that happens I usually get three or four icky ones and one good one.” When asked if Dino gets anything like cake for his birthday, he said, “Yes, but ders always a stoopid Benchy on top.” His father, Barney Clark, defended the cake topper. “I swear, I used PETG filament so it was non-toxic!”

Dino was arrested when Mr. Clark called the police, believing a neighborhood vandal broke into his office, stole nothing, damaged a cheap 3D printer, then fled, doing nothing else. Later the next morning Dino was released into his family’s custody to await the district attorney’s decision of whether or not to file charges.



“We are still pending an investigation,” remarked deputy district attorney David Alamos. “The juvenile courts have a new ‘Head Start Program’ which Dino Clark may be required to enroll in.” According to Mr. Alamos, too many kids are entering the prison industrial complex too late in life. “In order to maintain our status as the world leader in having the highest rate of incarceration per capita, we need to ensure a consistent rate of wayward youths toward our young offenders programs. Reaching out to families with children between ages 2-7 should help us remain the global leaders in incarceration.”

Alamos believes the juvenile court’s new head start program for infants should help to get them into the system early.