See Also:



• Best Stephen Colbert Quotes Ever

• Best Bill Maher Quotes Ever

• Latest Late-Night Jokes

"Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?" –Jon Stewart

"I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building." –Jon Stewart

"You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning." –Jon Stewart

“The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom." –Jon Stewart

"Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence." –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, on Fox News contributors saying that Sesame Street is "an insidious form of brainwashing and propaganda" by "the lofty left": "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

"The biggest problem with the denizens of Bulls**t Mountain is they act like their s**t don't stink. If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for 'em. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it's a handout and an entitlement. It's a baffling, willfully blind cognitive dissonance best summed up by their head coach, in what is perhaps my favorite sound bite of all time: [on screen, a clip of actor Craig T. Nelson saying, "I've been on food stamps and welfare. Anyone help me out? No."]

"Divorce isn't caused because 50 per cent of marriages end in gayness." –Jon Stewart on gay marriage

"So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's ad touting the killing of Osama bin Laden



"The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart

"Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work." –Jon Stewart

"The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing." –Jon Stewart at the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in Washington

"Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much." –Jon Stewart

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born.'' –Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's first Middle East trip

"A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking." –Jon Stewart on Glenn Beck

"Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty." –Jon Stewart

"Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse, that’s a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine." –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart on Clint Eastwood's "invisible Obama" speech at the Republican convention: "I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see."

"Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center." –Jon Stewart

"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies." –Jon Stewart on journalistic ethics

"I have to say, as someone who is not a Christian, it’s hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country — or maybe forty-four in a row. But that’s my point, is they’ve taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status." –Jon Stewart

"You have confused a war on religion with not getting everything you want." –Jon Stewart

"Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?" –Jon Stewart

"I've been to Canada and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." –Jon Stewart

"We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry." –Jon Stewart

"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena." –Jon Stewart

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.'' —Jon Stewart

"I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on." —Jon Stewart on the news

