At FMH, one of the most common things we hear and discuss is the advent of someone being called into a meeting with their priesthood leader. This invitation is almost always met with anxiety, even if the outcome is benevolent or benign. While it speaks to the unhealthy nature of our spiritual community for conversations with our ecclesiastical leaders to be so fraught, this is where the current culture resides. Often people are punished or disciplined by overzealous leaders who think they are doing God’s work. Many still just think they are being helpful or inspired. The reality is the internet is scattered with the wreckage of stories mishandling of power and ecclesiastical abuse.

We feel like it is important to give you some tips when meeting with your priesthood leaders. Ordain Women has made available a toolkit when having productive discussions about hard gospel issues. That is a great start, read it! Many of us (myself included) have sat in the chair in the bishop’s office and learned the hard way of how not to have a productive conversation. We want others to avoid the pitfalls.

Below are the top 10 do’s and don’ts of meeting with your priesthood leaders. This will likely be part of a mini-series discussing this topic.

DO’S:

1. What is my bottom line?

2. If the answers to the above questions make you comfortable with proceeding with the appointment, DO make sure you give yourself a few days notice or schedule a month out. This meeting should work for you and for your schedule. This will also give you the ability to p

3.

4. If you are being called in to discuss your behavior or beliefs,

5. DO consider the difference between assertiveness and aggression:

Assertiveness is based on balance. It requires being forthright about your wants and needs while still considering the rights, needs, and wants of others. When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don’t necessarily get it.

Aggressive behavior is based on winning. It requires that you do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings or desires of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you want regardless, and you don’t usually ask.

6.

7.

8. DO l

9. When saying no to a calling or request, use the following tips:

Use ‘won’t’ instead of can’t’

Use ‘want’ instead of ‘need’

Use ‘choose to’ instead of ‘have to’

Use ‘could’ instead of ‘should’.

Prepare ahead of time the message you want to convey:I cannot take on any more projects right now. During the conversation, keep restating your message using the same language over and over again. Don’t relent. Eventually the person is likely to realize that you really mean what you are saying.I would like you to accept the calling of Nursery leader. I won’t be taking on any more projects right now. I’ll would like you to pray about it. I won’t be taking on any more projects right now. Seriously, this is really important, I feel inspired to ask you to do this. I won’t be taking on any more projects right now. The Lord will bless you if you do this, you want the blessings don’t you? I’m sorry, I value our relationship but I simply won’t take on any more projects right now.

10. DO

DON’TS:

1.

2. DON’T forget you are equally worthy of love, respect, and YOU know your needs better than ANYONE. Even if you feel unworthy or guilty, your bishop or leader cannot magically discern the lived experiences of your life. Do not let your leader make you think otherwise. Only God and you know your heart.

3. DON’T forget that these leaders are there to help you, not to control you or to “help” you by asserting unwelcome authority. DON’T forget these men have NO training when it comes to financial advice, psychological or mental health advice, or dealing with family dynamics or any sort of abuse. They are there to help feed you spiritually, not to give you life advice. Assess what power and role you want them to play in your life and help keep them in that appropriate space.

4. DON’T reveal any more information than is absolutely necessary. These men are still your neighbors. They will not be in this position forever and the information you give them will not be erased when they are released. You are not obligated to tell them anything. You are not obligated to answer their questions. You are not obligated to make them feel good or to do what they say. Remember:

5. DON’T be passive-aggressive, be direct. Mormons speak fluently in passive-aggression and it will not serve you. Think on your needs before you go and make sure to articulately state them without fear or shame.

6.

7. DON’T agree to meet if you are only looking for a fight. If you are wanting to argue with your leader, convince them of a truth claim, or punish them for past decisions, this meeting will not be fruitful. Currently, church leaders ARE NOT EQUIPPED to handle conversations about controversial issues regarding church history and the proven outcomes of these conversations are rarely productive. Do not go this route. You will not convince your bishop or Stake President about a truth claim and doing so has more potential to harm you and your argument than them. They are men who are there to protect the institution not the individual.

8. DON’T accept accusations or shame that is not yours to take. If you are accused of something or your worthiness is called into question, you DO NOT have to believe it. DON’T argue and don’t ask permission. If your worthiness is called into question and you disagree, you can politely say, “That is not how I see it.” If an argument occurs, be prepared to leave the conversation.

9. DON’T forget your leaders are limited by their experiences, biases, and maturity. Just because they have the mantle of leadership does not make them automatically qualified in the areas of your life. Because our leaders are lay, untrained, men, they will not know what it is like to be a woman in the church. They might refer to the experiences of their wives or loved ones, but that is not a substitute to equal your own lived knowledge. Your leaders have deep-seated prejudices and insecurities just like you do. Remembering this can help you to give your leader empathy when they say something clueless or potentially harmful. Picture them as a small child in primary and remember that in some ways, they are still that small child. This can remind you that they are human and aren’t endowed with more knowledge than you are about life. They aren’t magical wizards and this isn’t Harry Potter. There’s no magic tea leaf to divine your future or your past.

10. DON’T go to your meeting if you are not allowed to know what it is about, what you will be speaking about, or why you were called in. DO NOT be afraid to cancel your meeting or just say, “I’m sorry. I will not be meeting with you at this time.”

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We know, cue the commenters telling me how we don’t get it or how our faith is lacking. If we just understood the pattern of the scriptures or the real role of the temple!

It may seem harsh or lacking faith to take the tips above and apply them to your meeting but the reality is, we at fmh have seen far too many abuses of power. Your leaders might be nice guys who are just doing their best, but that doesn’t stop them from being in a position of authority over you. This means the dynamic puts you in a position to be exploited and abused, whether anyone intends to do so or not. Remember, you are a daughter of Heavenly Parents who love you and you deserve to protect yourself first and foremost.

Notes:

Special thanks to Kimberly, Reese Dixon, DW, Joanna, and Not Ophelia for their help in constructing this list.

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