WASHINGTON—Saying that there must be hundreds, if not thousands of them panting and gasping, First Lady Michelle Obama told reporters Monday that she still hears the labored breaths of overweight schoolchildren whenever she closes her eyes. “The huffing and puffing—I just can’t escape it,” said a visibly distraught Obama, describing the disembodied chorus of tiny wheezing lungs that has haunted her every single day since the beginning of her husband’s presidency. “It starts off slow, but then it gets faster and faster, louder and louder. Each night brings the endless pitter-patter of them running flat-footed across the gymnasium floor and then struggling to catch their breath. Oh, God, I can even hear them now.” At press time, sources said President Obama was awoken from his sleep by a sweat-soaked First Lady hysterically begging him to make them stop.

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