VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money set out in each store’s parking lot. “Our new drive-thru option is quick and easy: Simply pull up alongside the dead cow, hack off as much as you want using the provided cleaver, dump some cash in the bucket, and be on your way,” said Sunshine Burger director of marketing Deborah Singer, noting that customers who desired a beverage would be allowed to place their mouth around a nearby hose of continuously flowing corn syrup. “And don’t forget to plunge your hacked-off chunks of meat into one of the three dunking holes we’ve cut into the asphalt, which are filled with our mouthwatering barbecue, honey mustard, and ranch dipping sauces.” Restaurant officials confirmed that during breakfast hours, customers would also have the option of reaching inside a pig carcass and pulling out a length of raw intestine.

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