Hey Red Sox… it’s high time to turn this train wreck around for the children.

Or at least for parents who are seeking the tiny hammer to smash the glass on the emergency dinner alarm.

It’s summertime in the Boston area. You’re inching your way up 93 during typically abysmal bumper-to-bumper nonsense. It’s only taken you 50 minutes to get from Dorchester to Malden. You’ve already communicated with the wife and gotten nowhere on a dinner plan. The kids are wreaking havoc and the living room is upside down. You’ve had enough of Mazz, so you bounce over to 92.9 for some musical respite. It’s Sublime… again.


You do a quick mental inventory of the downstairs beer fridge. Nothing. Is there any wine in the house? Only Riesling? Man. But at least there are turkey burgers in the freezer and a few buns left.

Oh yeah… it’s friggin’ Monday.

Wait a minute. Did the Red Sox win yesterday? Boom, done. Kids are free at the 99.

Buzz the wife: “The Nines. Have the kids ready to walk out the door in 30.’’

The Nines maneuver… a stressed-out parents’ safety net. Five dollar margaritas, cheap boneless wings, bowls of pasta with butter, mandarin oranges, apple sauce, crayons, mazes, and even a few rousing games of tic-tac-toe.

And the popcorn! For the love of all that is holy … those bottomless bowls of popcorn. They even gave one of the cartoon girls on the kids’ menu the same name as my daughter: Paige.

I love the Nines. My wife doesn’t even like it, but there’s never a dispute to go to the Nines. It makes too much sense.

But it only happens if the Red Sox win.

So now, I’m left heading into the summer months with the paralyzing feeling that my children may never eat for free at the 99 again.


Please, Red Sox, take a look at my daughter fumbling with the ice cream sandwich wrapper and my son tactfully solving that word puzzle with one hand buried in a popcorn bowl and ask yourselves this question: Do you want to rob New England kids of the 99 experience?

I don’t expect Jordan’s to send me a check for the recliner, and I’m OK with that. But just a few nights a month give us the option of the Nines.

If you stay in last place, fine. Just don’t take away the Nines.

The Red Sox disastrous week in 10 photos: