WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore. “Listen, Uncle Joe is kind of behind the eight ball here, and in a couple days I won’t even have a pot to piss in—I sure as shit don’t need a pit boss hassling my ass about some completely bum charges I had thrown my way,” said Biden, who omitted convictions for check fraud and tax evasion from the form, as well as a “raw deal” arson rap from 2015, which the vice president explained was likely to be wiped from his record within the next few months if “Uncle Joe keeps his nose clean.” “The head honcho who gave me the paperwork seemed like a reasonable dude, so I doubt he’d give a rat’s ass about some of these charges. And there’s no way in hell anybody’s gonna find out about that whole mess down in Dover. That shit’s totally legal in half the other states.” Sources confirmed that Biden then listed the phone number and home address of his close friend Blaze when filling in the contact information for his parole officer.

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