Here’s a Woman Who Has Sex With a Tree

Well, maybe it has a really big trunk.

According to “Closer” magazine, a 31-year-old woman wants to marry a tree she calls “Tim” because the sex she has with it is the best she has ever had.



Emma McCabe told the magazine she was sick of getting her heart broken, so she decided to give trees a try, and I’ll be damned, it looks as though she found the perfect one.

“He fulfills my emotional and sexual needs,” McCabe said. “I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week–it’s the best I’ve ever had!”

“My feelings are genuine. I’ve had boyfriends, but never connected with anyone like Tim. I’m in love and would like to get married. I look at other trees, but don’t touch–I wouldn’t cheat on Tim.”

McCabe said she sees Tim about four times a week, but there are times when she just talks to the tree instead of humping it.

McCabe’s family thinks she is insane. Um, no shit.

We’re not sure if this is any better: Washington Woman Arrested After Having Sex With Lawn Chairs