“So he just confessed, on TV. After two weeks of lying and spinning, he just admitted to the crime he’s accused of. He basically just blew the whistle on himself.” — SETH MEYERS

“Trump’s like a mobster who instead of throwing a body in the trunk, throws it in the passenger seat so he can use the car pool lane.” — SETH MEYERS

“What are you doing? That is literally what they’re impeaching you for. Don’t say that out loud! That’s like if Jeffrey Dahmer showed up in court wearing an apron that said ‘Kiss the cook.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“It almost seems like he’s trying to impeach himself at this point.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“He’s trying to normalize it. It’s like a husband saying, ‘Honey, I know you think it’s wrong for me to have sex with our neighbor, but if it were, why would I be doing it in the middle of your book club?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“You know, the Constitution gives the accused the right to remain silent — and clearly Donald Trump has never read the Constitution.” — STEPHEN COLBERT