A killed story in which I made mixtapes that Harry Potter characters would hypothetically give each other

So I decided to start a tumblr, a tumblr called Lukeskilledstories, on it, you can read my killed stories. Getting your story killed is something that happens when you are a writer, and that means you end up with a bunch of stories you don’t know what to do with. Maybe you will like these stories, or maybe you will say something like “oh I can see why this story was killed.” Either way, thanks for reading.

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It’s funny to think in the vast, multi-billion dollar Harry Potter franchise, we really don’t know what the denizens of Hogwarts like to listen to. I mean, sure there was that band in Goblet of Fire and that adorable dance scene in the 7th movie, but outside of that we’re talking about a bunch of witches and wizards who don’t really care about music. So naturally, I decided to imagine what the mixtapes of the Harry Potter universe would look like? Who would be making them? What would be on them? Would they be happy or sad? These are the sorts of questions that the good people of the internet want me to answer. I’ve assembled several hypothetical mixtapes fashioned by a few Harry Potter characters, as well as the notes they ostensibly delivered with the CDs. Maybe this will give you a better understanding of the inner-workings of wizard life, but mostly it should momentarily distract you from the looming reality that nothing in the future will ever make you feel the way a children’s book series made you feel.

Hey Harry,

So crazy couple of years right? Sorry about the whole Dumbledore thing, I know you guys were pals or whatever. Anyways I’ve just been thinking… about everything, and it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve ever done anything actually nice for you despite my sheer incapability in practically every situation we get involved in. I mean, I was pretty clutch back on the chessboard freshman year, but since then I haven’t exactly been on a winning streak. I figured I’d try to make it up to you, nothing special, just a couple of songs I’ve been listening to lately. A hot mix for my bro, we’re bros right? I don’t know I’ve just been questioning things lately. Hope you enjoy it, and you know, if you ever wanna like, “talk” you’ve got my number.

Your bro,

Ron

Ratt – “Round and Round”

Seal – “Kiss From a Rose”

Santana – “Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas)”

Finger Eleven – “One Thing”

Queen – “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Bruno Mars – “Locked Out of Heaven”

KoRn – “Word Up”

Bachman-Turner Overdrive – “Takin’ Care of Business”

Barry Manilow – “Copacabana (At the Copa)”

Bright Eyes – “First Day of My Life”

Aerosmith – “Sweet Emotion”

Blind Melon – “No Rain”

Ron,

A couple nights ago we were laying in your bed and you actually put on Alter Bridge. You said that it “reminded you of me” or something, and I love that, I really do, it’s why we work as a couple. But at the same time, I think it’s time you developed some taste. Nothing too fancy or obscure, just some entry-level songs to point you in the right direction. A Hermione Granger starter pack, if you will. Maybe once you hear this I can start going to shows with you instead of Harry. I do hope you enjoy – Alter Bridge may remind you of me, but these songs remind me of you.

Love,

Hermione

Death Cab For Cutie – “Champagne From a Paper Cup”

The Breeders – “Cannonball”

Wire – “Ex Lion Tamer”

Aesop Rock – “Citronella”

Phosphorescent – “Song For Zula”

Sufjan Stevens – “Chicago”

New Order – “The Village”

The Streets – “Weak Become Heroes”

Pavement – “Spit on a Stranger”

Suffocation – “Throne of Blood”

The Shins – “New Slang”

Interpol – “Slow Hands”

James Blake – “The Wilhelm Scream”

Lil B – “I’m God”

The Supremes – “You Keep Me Hanging On”

Cho.

Don’t act like you never think about me. I’m right here you fucking bitch. Looks like standing up the world’s MOST FAMOUS WIZARD for that goldenboy Cedric didn’t work out to well, huh? He died like the pig he was. I bet he wasn’t even thinking about you when Voldemort sliced his soul in half, I guess good hair doesn’t put up much of a fight when confronted with the sheer unrelenting power of the dark arts.

Whatever Cho, I’m so over you. I’ve got Ginny now, and even if she doesn’t have your fiery good looks, or razor sharp wit, or adorable lilting accent… whatever none of that matters! I’m completely happy with everything! I’m just dropping this CD off to show you how done I am.

Don’t call me,

Harry

(P.S. if you lost it, my number is 2775649)

Taylor Swift – “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

Smashing Pumpkins – “Bullet with Butterfly Wings”

The National – “Terrible Love”

Kevin Gates – “4:30am”

Elliott Smith – “Ballad of Big Nothing”

Oasis – “Don’t Look Back in Anger”

This Mortal Coil – “Holocaust”

Mastodon – “Blood and Thunder”

Cass McCombs – “County Line”

King Krule – “Portrait in Black and Blue”

Toto – “Africa”

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Maps”

Al Green – “Call Me”

Dumbledore you are a crazy old man.

I have to think we can come up with a better plan than me LITERALLY KILLING YOU but I guess it’s too late now. This is some deep, aggressive subversion, one that’s going to force me to hang out with the guy with the snake eyes for way too long. So anyway, to commemorate our one final ride into the sunset, I put this together, one of those joints we used to jam out to when we were chasing dragons out in Africa. It’s been a pleasure breaking shit with you brother.

-Severus

Madonna – “Like a Prayer”

Winger – “Seventeen”

Stardust – “Music Sounds Better With You”

The B-52s – “Love Shack”

Guns ‘N Roses – “Paradise City”

Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love”

Dire Straits – “Walk of Life”

Fine Young Cannibals – “She Drives Me Crazy”

The Black Crowes – “Hard to Handle”

Foreigner – “Hot Blooded”

Lionel Richie – “All Night Long”

Zapp – “More Bounce to the Ounce”

10cc – “I’m Not in Love”

PRIVATE CD NOBODY TOUCH.

-VOLDEMORT

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Bow Wow Wow – “I Want Candy”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Aphex Twin – “Come to Daddy”

Selena Gomez – “Come and Get It”

Couple tunes for Mrs. Norris! What a fancy lady you are! Hope you think of me tonight. Gets a little cold in the dark doesn’t it Mrs. Norris

-Fitch

“Cat Daddy” – Rej3ctz

“Cat People (Putting Out The Fire)” – David Bowie

“Cat Scratch Fever” – Ted Nugent

“Honky Cat” – Elton John

“Year of the Cat” – Al Stewart

“Tommy the Cat” – Primus

“Yellow Cat / Red Cat” – Say Anything

“Tron Cat” – Tyler, The Creator

“Nyan Cat” – Nyan Cat