Over 6 years ago when John Lefevre @GSElevator wrote the The Unofficial Goldman Sachs Guide To Being A Man, we laughed at it. The Guide became popular because it is insolent and gumptious and full of self-reverie.

It is time that someone wrote a real guide not only for the men working in the investment industry but for all men who aren’t jokers. I mean, you can listen to the Joker (Boris Brejcha) which I do even in this post. But don’t make your life a caricature. So this list was born. There aren’t 99 Rules in this list, but we’d like to aim for a good-measure number (69 would do it).

1. Marriage is OUT.

In the past decade, marriage has has become the rawest, worst deal for men in America and the West altogether. Marriage is an outdated institution with laws giving women the upper hand, no man with some self-esteem should walk that dark alley. (70% of divorces are initiated by women, and that number climbs higher, to 90% for college-educated women).

2. Social media is poison, and even if you’ve joined Twitter (dada: Twatter) you know by now it’s a garbage cesspool.

3. If your girlfriend is an Instagram person, you’ve got a coochie bug.

Not worth it !

4. Learn to cook for a change. It’s one of the essential skills a man needs to have.

5. The Modern Woman doesn’t need protection from anything really, it is you who need protection from women.

You can fill in the blanks…from __, ___.__

6. When in doubt, leave her. Don’t fall for the fallacy of sunk costs.

7. Alcohol is another thing that is OUT. In is milk who does a body good.

You will stand out if you don’t drink at a party.

8. No matter what Silicon Valley vampires tell you, you can still make a good impression if you’re wearing fashionable shoes and a great watch.

9. Lunch and dinner etiquette: eat light. When you eat a heavy meal, your energy is diverted to digesting it, making you sloppy and slow-thinking and acting. Never eat full.

10. Try to get laid on a first date. If you can do that with some frequency you’ll be a winner at everything eventually. It’s the War of the Sexes that must be won first.

11. Do have a Wall of Fame with canvas pictures of good-looking exes framed in your bedroom.

Your girlfriend must know where you come from.

12. NEVER buy dinner to woman you haven’t f****ed.

13. Hookers can be some of the most sincere women in the world, because they put a price on something that too often is overpriced.

14. Women nowadays are seriously overvaluing themselves. Even the ugliest of women looks good in some pictures. You need to give those women some space.

15. She’s not as important as you think she is.

16. For the married lads: now what ?

You’re slowly descending into mediocrity and you know it, what do you do ? The clock is running: tick-tock-tick. Your pal suggests you try a threesome…should you ? Would you ? Yes. Threesomes are in. MFF. Three is a magic number. There are three in the Holy Scripture. “Friends, Romans, Countrymen” -three in William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Mind, body and spirit -three.

17. The way you handle your boss is the same way you train a dog.

You give it a treat when he behaves and withdraw attention when he misbehaves. For more info, make sure you get your BOU (The “Alpha Male Bible” ).What does is look to be at the top of your game ?

18. With your girlfriends, may you have many and plenty all your life, always experiment. Women do not like being bored. Remember, life is an adventure.

19. Be her immutable, solid rock. Stay firm and rooted and don’t let the tides of life blow you away. That is the essence of being a man.

20. Always have time slots during the day when you are unreachable (no phone or internet connection).

Your own time away from everybody. As you get older and wiser, so do the “unreachable” times are getting larger.

21. The best pick-up line in the world: “Tell me something about you that I don’t already know.”

22. The Second best pick-up line in the world: “Lady, when I’m deep asleep I am 10X smarter than you are. Now, you were saying…”

23. Any woman in a man’s life is replaceable.

Women know this instinctively, as demonstrated by their propensity to pursue taken men. A man that’s taken -married or not- is seen more attractive to them than a single man.

24. “Only one woman in the world exists in the world, one woman with countless faces.” -Nikos Kazantzakis, 1952

25. The key to a woman’s heart is hidden in plain sight.

26. Talking about keys, the key to your career that will open the biggest doors is called envy.

27. Word on the Street is that being a feminist is the key to the heavens. I’m taking that advice to the bank.

28. If you have an overbearing, bad woman boss, what do you do ?

Well, if you’re married, say: “Tell that to my wife”, then hand over your phone to the boss. If you’re not married, say: “It’s not easy being green.”

So this happened: the new decade swooped in… and we have to make it to 69. Let’s get some more music in before we do that…

29. 2020s, a new decade ? Welcome to 2010 is more like it. With the passage of time, the worst of the old gets a facelift.

30. The Big Guns favor themselves. They love themselves so much, they came to with the idea of gender parity goals because…what’s better than cutting the nip in the buds ?

31. There’s no such thing as a bad woman boss.

Did you write that on your office whiteboard yet ?

32. Happiness without money doesn’t exist, but money without happiness sometimes does happen.

33. True gender equality at work will not be achieved until all women dress up exactly like men..or men dress up exactly like women.

34. Sample far and wide.

And by sampling I don’t mean food, I mean flings. I’ve had flings hailing from 18 different nations and four continents. To some that’s a low diversity number. Well, put me to shame. As far as I can tell, the farther they are from your original ethnicity, the more interesting things can get. Hop on the diversity bandwagon.

35. Women, as far as we can tell, divide men into two categories: Cads and Dads.

Sometimes Cads become Dads. These are the sad bunch. Score +1 Women to -1 Men. Very rarely do Dads become Cads. Women really hate that.

36. When Dads become Cads, women label it with the misnomer of “Midlife Crisis”.

37. I second the popular truth voiced elsewhere that people in position of power are more likely to cheat regardless of sex.

38. You can’t take a lady to the water park without getting her dress wet. You might as well not go at all.

39. Romance isn’t cheap, they say. I say there’s no romance to buy or sell.

40. On a TSA security check-up recently, while they were patting me down, I said: Oh, yes ! Harder ! Feel that round firm tights.

41. The most useful text message in the book of texting:

“I’ll take care of u” then hours later (5 hours or more) “when u’re ready” …more time lapse (one or more hours later)…”u horny ?”

They key here is to send this texting sequence hours apart…It make the hamster go full 5200 rpm.

This hamster is spinning

42. Own an emblazoned tie and cufflinks.

43. When you have bragging rights, write a book.

44. Scale it up and own the rights to a movie.

45. Your last breakup should be your ticket to freedom, as in more more lays and layaways.

What are you sad about, then ?

46. A woman doesn’t love you until she cries for you.

Ah, what about crocodile tears, I heard… Did you get a lighter and threaten to burn up her shoes ? Are you telling me those tears aren’t real ?

47. If you take up DJ-ing on the side, you’ll either become the CEO of Goldman Sachs or get more lays, but not both.

48. Ledger book love is overrated.

49. The difference between a wife’s and a concubine’s love is 5,000 feet and counting, with the concubine’s being the greatest (highest).

Both men and women know that instinctively.

50. Those who cheat, win. Take that to the bank.

51. The cheat codes are in the winners DNA.

Examples: A pretty woman will, in all likelihood, cheat. A smart person..will cheat. That doesn’t mean that ugly ones and dumb people don’t cheat, however.

52. Trying to cheat is NOT cheating. Cheating is NOT getting caught. If you get caught -that is not cheating. Every winner knows that.

53. When your woman says F.U., you got fucked a long time ago.

Women see their SMV (Sexual Market Value) plummet as they age (around 35 although some say is even earlier) while men’s, generally speaking, is on an upswing.

54. The Trivers-Willard hypothesis (gTWH) suggests that physically more attractive parents are more likely to have daughters than physically less attractive parents. Hence, women are the more beautiful sex.

The geniuses who have daughters plus half of China are now going to think they fall under the “attractive” category. Don’t hold your breath.

55. Women who cheat far outnumber the men who cheat.

56. In our progressive society, women hold the power while blaming and shaming men for having it.

57. The Mastery Key is unlocked when a man lives of a woman. In the guest house. A struggling actor can pull that off.

58. The key to getting a model is modeling for her.

59. There is no “cure” to cheating. Stop treating it like a disease. It is not. It is a feature.

60. Should a man who got a better job, a higher paying job, upgrade his wife ? By all means. If he was smart enough, he wasn’t married to begin with.

61. What makes a marriage strong: a healthy age difference between the man and the woman, where the man is considerably older than the woman.

Also, drop the monogamy garbage to the site curb where it belongs.

62. Older men are better than younger men.

Both men and women agree to it or they feign disagreement.

63. They say a woman’s loyalty is tested when her man has nothing while a man’s loyalty is tested when he has everything.

It is mostly the women who have everything…

64. The smartest way to deal with haters is to call them out: Yo’, women…

And put out some Lady Gaga lyrics:

“I can’t wait to smoke them all

Whole pack like Marlboro

Blow it in your face, blow it in your face

Blow it in your, blow it in your face

I can’t wait to rev you up

Faster than you can say Ferrari

Tearin’ up the gravel, watch you unravel

Now it’s a party…” -Source: Lady Gaga, A-Yo song, Joanna album

65. Women’s greatest fear is that they are no longer desired.

Their fallout is inevitable because beauty is perishable. That’s why we don’t invest in beauty with marriage.

66. Another friendly exchange:

You: What are you thinking ? Her: This, that.

You: Good, because I don’t have you thinking about my crotch all the time.

67. The hamster feeds into darkness. Feed it into darkness.

Few will understand this. Is that hamster splitting atoms by now ?

68. Instacrap + Facetoilet + Twatter = Let the simping GAMES begin !

Are you simping today ?

69. The higher-ups pull the ladder up behind you.

With the abundance of geniuses who are also triathletes and meditators, rowers and God-knows-what, it’s become extremely difficult to stand out. Fortunately you have the backhanded compliments.

Poll

Andrey Zvyagintsev / Unsplash On Valentine’s Day, I will gift my girlfriend(s): 1. A bag of sunflower seeds (I’m a healthy guy) 2. A Frisbee 3. A nicely wrapped condom 4. I’m simping lightly: wine and roses Created with

Disclaimer: “Goldman Socks” does not in any way refer to, allude to or personalizes the firm or character of banking firm Goldman Sachs.