I know this has nothing to do with NICU nursing, but I felt it necessary for myself to write about my experience on Friday (June 28th, 2013)...possibly to help me cope. Thursday night I was working in the NICU and my Sister texted me early in my shift to tell me that our 18-year-old cat, Gus was not doing well. He had been experiencing issues with lethargy and my Mom took him to the vet, only to find out his kidney values were about zero. We thought, since he's otherwise healthy, and his other lab values were great, that subQ fluids and meds may help him. So for about a week my Mom was able to give him subQ fluids in hopes to help the toxins flush out of his kidneys. We thought we may get a few more months out of Gus, or maybe a year. He was always a healthy cat. He had a beautiful fluffy coat and a tail like a fox. His blood work was great...it was just his kidneys that weren't working.





We picked Gus out of a litter of kittens from our Aunt's Cat, Precious. He was the runt. I was 10-years-old, my Sister, 4. We are now 28 and 22. Gus was one of the sweetest cats one could ever have the pleasure of owning. Dog people liked Gus. He was an indoor-outdoor cat, and on his trips into the "wild," we'd often see him on a neighbors car. At one time in his life, our neighbor came over to ask us if we had a fluffy black and white cat because Gus was lying in his hallway of his house one afternoon! He was everyone's "buddy." He'd lay in your arms like a baby and cuddle with you. He more trusting of other people/animals than most cats. He loved us and showed us in those little small or large kitty ways. If you were holding him, at times, he would look deep into your eyes and slowly lift his head to your chin and take a soft nibble. It was like his kisses...He'd often bring us presents from the wilderness to our porch. There is no other way to show your pet cares for you than to bring you a half regurgitated bird, snake or some other rodent.





As the older sister, I'd often observe my sister outside with Gus and our other pets at the time, Tracy (Dog), Sam (Cat), and Sabrina (Cat) aka "

Bing Bing." I'd see her running across the wood-line with all four animals following in a line behind her. They had little adventures. Before we moved to the suburbs of Indiana, we lived in a house with a large, dusty attic with no floor, just floor beams and insulation. We tried to keep it closed up, but Gus and Sam would always try to find a way in. They were so curious to what was on the other side of that attic door and it would scare me because it wasn't safe. I know they had been in the attic when they would be walking around with their fur so dusty and gray, they'd almost look like different cats! Sam and Gus were best friends until Sam passed away in 2007. They'd sit and look out the windows, go outside and play and only come in when it was storming. Then they'd clean each others sopping wet coats and fall asleep curled around each other. Sam was just as sweet of a cat as Gus and when Sam passed away, you could see the sadness in a cats eyes. People think animals don't have emotions, but they can feel and love just as much as humans. After Sam passed, we lost our Dog, Tracy. Just a few months ago "Bing Bing" passed away, too. And now my Sister and I were facing putting down our last pet of our childhood.





When my Sister texted me the bad news, I was working and distracted by my tasks and crying babies so I really didn't grasp the concept until about 0400 when all things died down. The quiet time. The worst time for a person experiencing a traumatic event or stressful time in their life. I sat down and pulled my phone out of my pocket, to check the latest Facebook posts and weather and it hit me. I felt alone. No one could understand. I wanted to cry and my eyes would water and I had that lump in my throat but I held back. I didn't want people to know I was hurting. I was hurting for all of us; Gus, my Mom and my Sister. Knowing what we were about to experience. We'd been through it before with our other pets and it was just as hard, but this time the feeling was gut-wrenching. I'm not sure why. Possibly because Gus had outlived all of our other animals. Sitting in that chair that night at work, I thought, the last piece of my childhood was about to be gone. All of those memories with Gus and the others...were going to be just that. Memories. All the times we spent laughing about our pets were going to be filled with tears of sadness.





Finally, my shift ended. I walked to my car and as soon as I pulled out of the parking garage, I sobbed all the way home. I knew trying to sleep today would be my enemy and I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. As I laid in bed, all these emotions and thoughts flooded my head. My stomach hurt. I felt nauseous, shaky, dizzy...just sick. Yeah, I didn't sleep or eat. I went to my doctors appointment in a zombie-like state after being awake for almost 24 hrs. I was walking to my car to go home and my Sister called me to tell me it was time. I arrived to my Mom's house to find my Mom holding Gus, who was wrapped up in a blanket and my sister standing next to them. I saw Gus and kissed his head. He looked so helpless and he could barely walk, breathe or meow. Mom said his condition only got worse despite fluids and meds.





My sister and I rode in my car and my Mom in hers. As my sister was in the backseat, she held Gus and I could hear him meow. She would comfort him and I'd watch her through my rear-view mirror. It was so sad. Upon arriving at the noisy vet office, we sat in the waiting room for awhile and people would ask us about Gus. When we told them the situation, they'd offer their condolences then leave with their healthy pets. At times I thought, how unfair is it? Why do animals have to get old? Why can't they live forever? I wished that I could rewind time and have Gus and all my pets healthy again. We went to the room where we'd say our goodbyes and were greeting by this pretty talking bird. He'd say, "Hello." and "How are you?" He'd ring a bell while he was eating and we laughed. It was a pleasant distraction from what we were about to endure. At one time, he walked across the top of his cage and looked down at Gus...he knew.





The Vet inserted an IV into Gus's arm to administer what she said was an overdose of an anesthetic. She said half of the dose would put him into an unconscious state and the other half would stop his heart. I cried when she said that. (Writing this makes my heart race and brings back that sickening feeling). We put him in a blanket on the table and gathered around him were my Sister and I, her boyfriend, Zach, my Mom, the Doctor and another person that I believe was a Vet Tech. We kissed Gus's head and told him it was okay to go. We said he can go see Sam and Sabrina. We told him we loved him and he was the king of all cats. We pet his head, kissed him and he looked at me with those big eyes, this time I could see the old age and cataracts in them. He looked scared and moved a bit but I reassured him it was okay. Then I saw in his eyes, life disappear. I knew he was gone without the vet telling me. I could barely contain my emotions and sobbed. My sister grabbed my hand and the vet placed the stethoscope to his fluffy chest and said, "He's gone."





Wrapped in a blanket he lay there lifeless, but we were still petting him like he was alive. He didn't look...dead. He looked peaceful. I didn't want to leave him...(we made arrangements for him to be cremated.) We left the vet with tears in our eyes and heavy, heavy hearts. I drove home and cried as I talked to my husband. I got home and attempted a nap. I knew tomorrow it was back to reality. We had a grad party and double date and I didn't know how I would handle being around people. I didn't want to go, but I made myself. My husband let me grieve for a day...he thought I'd be back to my bubbly self and didn't seem to understand my sadness the day after. He even asked me what was wrong. I snapped and said, "WE JUST PUT GUS TO SLEEP!" I got a lot of support from family and friends on Facebook, but still feel that no one can really understand unless Gus was your pet. Mom said it's like my Sister and I lost a brother.





I put on a smile around people but as soon as I'm alone it turns to sadness. I know it takes time and the sorrow I feel today will be replaced with all of the pleasant memories of Gus and the others. Time is my friend right now. I prayed to God to get my family and I through this and to take care of Gus. I know he's with my grandparents right now, who were not cat lovers, but he's probably looking at them with those loving eyes and nibbling on their chins. They are probably petting him, telling him how awesome and beautiful he is while admiring his fluffy fox tail. Although my heart is broken, I was blessed with three of the best cats to have in any child's life.





"As the angels sing an old Hank Williams song, time marches, on time marches on..."

-Tracy Lawrence





~In memory of Gus, Sam, Sabrina and Tracy.