A couple of years ago, Brendan came to see me following the untimely death of his wife. More recently, he paid me a visit all aglow — he had met the "woman of his dreams." I was delighted for Brendan, who hadn't believed he could find a new partner. Laura was divorced with two kids, 8 and 10, from her previous marriage. Brendan hadn't yet met Laura's kids, but was sure that his love for her would carry him through any trials and tribulations with her children.

Brendan didn't realize that, no matter how much in love with Laura he was, stepparenting can throw cold water on even the best romantic relationships. As we talked, it became clear that he, like most folks, bought into some false assumptions about life as a stepparent. Here are some of the other stepparenting misconceptions I commonly encounter:

Assuming that you and your partner's views about parenting and discipline will be in sync.

Taking for granted that your partner will speak up if his or her kids are disrespectful to you.

Believing that your partner will know how to balance your needs with those of his or her children.

Believing that the kids will easily accept discipline from you.

In short, stepparenting can be one of the toughest jobs you'll ever take on. The good news is that, if you heed the following tips, it can also be one of the most rewarding assignments you'll ever accept:

Expect that your relationship with your partner's children will be rocky from day one, and then you'll be prepared for the worst. Kids naturally feel confused, resentful or both when one of their parents brings a new partner into the mix.

Immediately make it clear that you are an adult friend to your partner's children, not a new parent.

In your words and actions, indicate to your partner's children that you respect the role their other parent plays in their lives. No matter how much you may dislike your partner's former spouse, keep it to yourself.

Discuss parenting styles with your partner. Although these are not your children, you should certainly have a say in how they behave, at least in your presence.

Especially early on, don't try to discipline your partner's children. Rightfully, they will get angry and remind you that you aren't their parent. Leave the parenting and discipline to your partner and work on developing an appropriate adult/child friendship with the children.

Recognize that your partner has a history with his or her children that must be honored. There will be times when you feel like the odd man (or woman) out, but this is part of the price you pay for taking on a step-family.

If you feel as though your partner too often puts their kids' needs ahead of your relationship, air your concerns. Obviously, there are times when kids' needs must come first, e.g. an emergency, a doctor's appointment, a sporting event or a school concert. It's all about balance, but you should feel as though your partner also considers your needs and wants.

Discuss the role you and your partner would each like you to play in the children's lives. If you see this very differently but never discuss it, misunderstandings are inevitable.

In general, establish an open line of communication about your partner's children from the start. If you do this from a collaborative and problem-solving perspective, rather than a judgmental one, stepparenting is a job you'll cherish for a lifetime.

Maud Purcell is a psychotherapist, corporate consultant and director of the Life Solution Center of Darien, Conn. Write her at mpurcell@thelifesolutioncenter.net.