I, Anonymous Dear Christian Coworker

I don't care if Ken Ham gives you a hard-on. Stop telling me I'm going to burn in a lake of fire for all eternity and that I'd "better be ready when Jesus returns." Please just stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know I make you uncomfortable by talking about Carl Sagan, but please keep in mind that you didn't even graduate high school, you recently bragged about spending two grand on "20s" for your used Lexus, and you visit Vegas on a quarterly basis with your "bros." I would call you an ignorant, foolish hypocrite to your face, but I'm afraid you will inevitably cry persecution and claim yourself vindicated according to the good book.

I know Jesus gives you a reason not to hate yourself. He used to be in my heart, too, and I was joyous. Do you know what else made me joyous? Heroin. And they each took two years to fully recover from. Maybe you were raised this way, maybe you're born-again after a stint of fleshly sins post-adolescence, or maybe some homeless guy walked by one day and called you a piece of shit. I don't fucking care why or how you came to believe Jesus rose from the dead three days later. Just shut up.

—Anonymous