Roy Moore for Senate Campaign

What you are about to see might be the scariest thing you’ve seen online since someone released that close-up image of Donald Trump’s hair. It’s scarier than Chrisette Michele’s miscarriage photos. It’s scarier than the Chrisette Michele “Black Lives Matter” song. I want to say it’s scarier than Chrisette Michelle, but God ain’t through with her yet and neither is Satan.


Losing Republican candidate for senator, and man voted “Most Likely to Rub Up Against You” by customers at the Forever 21 inside the Gadsden Mall, Roy Moore still hasn’t conceded the Alabama Senate race yet. But today he released his first full statement after he got his ass whipped by Doug Jones in their head-to-head battle of good vs. evil.

Instead of calling Jones like a real man, Moore released a video to the media. (He said it was for his followers, but Alabama evangelicals don’t watch videos online. That’s how the devil steals your soul. One minute you’re watching YouTube, and the next minute you’re infected with “the gay” and you’re soliciting sex in an airport bathroom. That’s how they getcha! Larry Craig said so.)


The video is the absolute craziest piece of white-mannery ever seen. Rarely do we get to see white people laid this bare. (I mean ... I do, because I live in Alabama, but I’m talking about the royal “we” here.) If you’re like me, it might give you the shivers when you realize how close we were to having this man cast actual votes to determine the policy of our country!

Here are the top 10 moments from the speech:

10. The subtle touches of white supremacy.

I’m sure you didn’t notice the statue of the Confederate soldier in the background. How do I know it’s a Confederate soldier and not a quick rendering of him riding to the polls on Tuesday? Here’s how I know: Because this is Roy motherfucking Moore!


Then there’s the Christmas tree in the background for our Lord and Savior, Caucasian Baby Jesus, coupled with Moore’s cross lapel pin, which he sets on fire at the end (not shown in the video). And the whole entire wall is covered by the flag, which is the whitest shit ever. Not that the American flag is white, but they didn’t even iron it! If I went on TV with even a tiny wrinkle, my mother would rise from her grave and beat me to death. And my mother’s not even dead.

But the wrinkles would have killed her.

9. He opens with a direct shoutout to white nationalists.

He isn’t even trying to be subtle. It’s as if someone told him to dog-whistle and he yelled: “Hey dogs! Come over here!”


“We are indeed in a struggle to preserve our republic, our civilization and our religion. And to set free a suffering humanity. And the battle rages on ...” is the motto of the “alt-right.” OK, I might not be right about that, but it’s at least the first line on the Wikipedia page for white nationalism. It’s probably their pledge of allegiance.

The belief that America’s foundation of Western civilization is being destroyed by blacks, Mexicans, Muslims and Jews is the basis for the alt-right argument. This is the thesis statement of the white supremacist constitution. (I know what you’re thinking. Yes, it is rife with grammatical errors.) Also, whenever anyone says “and the battle rages on,” they have probably spent the afternoon turning their white bedsheets into a robe.


8. He is lying.

He states that he is waiting for the provisional and absentee ballots to be counted. Absentee ballots are counted first. There are fewer than 3,000 provisional ballots. He lost by 20,715 votes. Something doesn’t add up. And by “something,” I mean “numbers.”


But again, he’s from Alabama, which ranks 47th in education. So ... math.

7. He shouts out Donald Trump.

Moore says he “saw a window of hope” with the election of Trump. Something about the Founding Fathers and the Constitution. Blah, blah, blah. This is another dog whistle to white people. Whenever they invoke the Founding Fathers, they really mean “white people.”


For white people, the top 10 list of the most important white people goes like this:

Baby Jesus

The Founding Fathers

Grown-man, ripped-abs, hipster Jesus

Ronald Reagan

Dead, killed-by-the-Jews Jesus

The Beatles

The troops

Frank Sinatra

Their dog (they consider them people)

Winston Churchill



In that order.

6. Then he goes batshit crazy.

“Today we no longer recognize the universal truth that God is the author of our life and liberty. Abortion, sodomy and materialism have taken the place of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” Moore explains. Then this motherfucker starts preaching!

[W]e have forgotten God. ... We have stopped prayer in schools. We’ve murdered over 60 million of our unborn children. We’ve redefined marriage and destroyed the basis of family, which is the building block of our country. ... We’ve even begun to recognize the right of a man to claim to be a woman, and vice versa.


This. Man. Almost. Won.

5. He doesn’t believe that his alleged pedophilia is a problem.

Let’s say that all the women who said Moore tried to holla at them during their 10th-grade study hall period are liars. Moore apparently believes that his molestation charges are relevant to the political process, because he says, “Even our political process has been affected with baseless and false allegations which have become more relevant than the true issues which affect our country.”


Wait ... what? Sexual assault and pedophila are not “true issues”? According to him, the gay and trans thing affects us all more than a grown man trolling the middle school parking lot trying to take our daughters behind the dumpster for a makeout session.

4. He says that money from “outside groups” turned the election.

He didn’t say that when alt-right whisperer Steve Bannon endorsed him. He didn’t mention this when Trump rallied for him. Or when the Republican National Committee sent him money. It’s the “outsiders” who tainted the election.


I guess the 671,151 Alabamians who went to the polls and said “not you” were all outsiders. Gotcha.

3. Then it got crazier.

Again he says: “[A]nd the battle rages on. Together we must stand against those who would take from us our country.”


“Our country.” Who is “our”? He already told you that it’s not the gays. Not the transgender. He specifically notes that America doesn’t belong to the Muslims because they don’t believe in “our religion.”

2. Wait ... what?

Did you notice anything missing? Does this concession video seem to be lacking anything? Let me give you a hint:

He. Does. Not. Concede.

He never says “The people of Alabama have spoken” or admit that he was defeated. He doesn’t even mention Doug Jones’ name. There’s another element that he forgot to include in his speech. It may be a small, trivial bit of information, but I think it is at least a tiny bit relevant to the situation:

The other guy got more votes.

1. The last part.

When Moore starts quoting the Bible, the video stops being crazy and starts getting a little bit frightening. I am not afraid of white people, but I am afraid of these kinds of white people. He goes on a school-shooter, religious-fundamentalist-extremist, let-me-say-something-before-I-ignite-the-explosives-packed-in-my-vest rant:

In the words of the holy Scriptures: “We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against prinicipalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand an evil day, and having done all—to stand.”


WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Did that scare you as much as it scared me? I am not simply disturbed by his insane pomposity, the fervor in which he quotes the Scriptures or the genuine earnestness in his eyes. But the fact that 650,000 people in Alabama heard him do this all year and believed it is disconcerting on an I’m-black-living-in-a-state-where-most-white-people-voted-for-this-guy level. It is truly indicative of Moore’s dumb, white ... what’s the opposite of “Hotep”?


I would call him evil, but instead, I will quote another Scripture:

And Jesus answered and said unto them, “Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.”


And here’s another:

Jesus wept.

Now we know why.