Turning 30: A Dialogue Between My Brain, Uterus, and Some Sperm

BRAIN: So, I know that we’ve spent the last ten years thinking about career goals and smashing the patriarchy, but now it’s time to obsess over the greatest obstacle to both — having a baby. Isn’t 30 fun? Have a baby now.

UTERUS: Finally! I’ve been saying this for years.

EGG: OKAY! I AM HERE! I AM READY!

BRAIN: Fantastic. But let’s be chill about it, okay? If it happens, great; if not, no big deal. Motherhood does not define me. I am going to buy the baby one of those shirts that say, PLAYER 3 HAS ENTERED THE GAME . Those are cute.

UTERUS: Alright, let’s do this then.

SPERM: Hey guys, what’s going…

[SPERM dies.]

EGG: Noooooooooo…

UTERUS: Crap.

BRAIN: This is not a crisis and I feel fine about it. My job is fulfilling and I drink smoothies with spirulina in them. I am not going to think about it so when it does happen it will be a big surprise and my eyes will well up with perfectly round tears while Feist plays in the background.

UTERUS: Attempt #2, all systems go.

EGG: I’m here, put a sperm in me!

SPERM: WHOOOHOOO! LOOK OUT BOYS, I’M COMING IN HOT!

[SPERM swims into side of uterus and dies.]

UTERUS: Are you serious?

BRAIN: I need to be more mindful, more in touch with my body and my energy. Streamline. Simplify. I can’t bring a baby into this unmindful chaos. This $63 meditation book and new monochromatic capsule wardrobe will help.

UTERUS: Third time’s a charm, right? Here we go.

EGG: I won’t let you down!

SPERM: …

EGG: …

UTERUS: …

SPERM: …

EGG: …

BRAIN: I think I’ll paint the nursery grey, but like, a pretty grey.

EGG: Where is the sperm?

UTERUS: I don’t know, I can’t see down there.

EGG: Can’t you help get him up here?

UTERUS: “Help get him up here?” I’m not a Hoover vaccum.

EGG: It just seems like you’re sitting there not doing anything…

UTERUS: Don’t sass me, Egg. I’m about to incubate an organism that does nothing but hit, kick, and pee in me for nine straight months. At the end of which, I will eject a fully formed human being in a spectacular explosion of blood and gore that would make Quentin Tarantino dry heave into a Pack n’ Play. I am doing plenty.

[SPERM blasts past egg into fallopian tube and dies.]

FALLOPIAN TUBE: WTF?!

UTERUS: F.

BRAIN: I should stop drinking coffee. Am I even ovulating? What does “increase in cervical fluid” mean? Am I stressed? I’m stressed. Stop being stressed and it will happen. Let’s go on Pinterest and look at baby footprint art. OH GOD, WHY ISN’T THIS WORKING? DO I HAVE A FAULTY UTERUS? WHERE ARE THE EGGS GOING? ARE THEY JUST FALLING OUT EVERYWHERE?

EGG: What are we going to do?

UTERUS: We’ve got to increase her hormones. That is the only way.

EGG: But… she is already terrifyingly unstable.

UTERUS: It must be done.

BRAIN: Remember in the movie Untamed Heart, when Christian Slater had a baboon heart and died at a hockey game just when Marissa Tomei was learning to love him? THAT WAS SO SAD. Let’s think about it all day at work.

EGG: I don’t know about this…

BRAIN: DAMMIT CHRIS, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO HANG YOUR TOWEL UP ON THE RACK? I AM GOING TO SHOVE IT DOWN THE TOILET AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN… I need to take a nap.

UTERUS: Trust me.

EGG 1: I hope this works.

EGG 2: Me too.

EGG 1: Wait… who are you?

EGG 2: I was told to wait here.

EGG 3: Yeah, me too.

EGG 4: Same.

EGG 1: NO NO NO! THERE ARE TOO MANY OF US! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT, NOW!

SPERM: Hello, ladies!