The Lies We Tell Ourselves

We tell ourselves lies about desired success and make ourselves miserable in the process. When Naval Ravikant wrote, “Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want,” he was talking about that.

Ask any twenty-year-old where they see themselves in 10 years. Almost everyone has a vision of being successful, possibly — a TEDx speaker and author of several bestsellers — and of course, a millionaire.

I know this because I am a 22-year-old guy who told — and believed — similar lies. I thought I needed that. I thought that’s what life is all about.

But we aren’t to blame.

Where Lies Come From

They come from social media, self-help books, life-coaches, and business gurus.

In my country (Russia), becoming a “business trainer” or a “life coach” became the path to riches. People who’ve failed to build a career go and teach others. My father often jokes, “Those who can’t work — consult, those who can’t consult — teach, and those who can’t teach — create ratings.”

We’re not to blame for telling ourselves elaborate lies of the lives we want to live, because all we see is this glamorous success. But the picture is much more exciting on the inside then it is on the outside.

Let’s take a microscope and see what a successful life looks like.

What success *ACTUALLY* Looks Like

Mark Zuckerberg. He’s the hero of my generation. When I went to school, every boy in my class wanted to build the next Facebook. Or the next Google.

But here’s the thing: while Zuck’s or Sergey Brin’s lives look cool on the outside, to them, they feel like running a marathon every since they’ve turned 18. They haven’t stopped to catch their breath since.

Mark Zuckerberg can’t travel to Europe because he “feels like it.” Larry Page or Sergey Brin are too chained to their empires. Yes, they are billionaires. Yes, they’re super powerful and are changing the world. They are genuinely great people.

But do you want to be that?

In some ways, I pity them. I bet some young billionaires sometimes wish for a more relaxed, legs-on-the-table-and-mojito-in-the-stomach kind of life, but they can’t. There’s always some kind of emergency that needs their attention.

If you’re (only) twenty, why would you want to narrow your life like that?

Don’t Have a Startup When You’re Twenty

My grandparents wanted to be astronauts when they were young. You know, to beat the Americans at the arms race (joke). When my parents were young, most kids wanted to be basketball players. Or DJs. Then rappers. When I was a kid, everyone wanted to be a startup founder — we’re the internet generation.

Stories of huge successes fed us. They told us, “Hey, look. Jobs was only 21 when he founded Apple, and you can be that too!” Maybe. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

When my father was my age, I was two. My parents had a hard time raising me, trying to combine work, kids, and, you know, graduating from college. Starting a startup is the same as having kids: don’t do it when you’re twenty.

There are two main reasons for that:

You’ll be more likely to succeed if you start later (you’ll be more mature and knowledgeable). The worst thing that can happen to you is not that you fail. You’ll get over it. The worst thing is that you can succeed. Then you’re stuck with this company — for life. (Goodbye, roaring twenties!)

Listen to Kevin Kelly’s advice, “don’t optimize prematurely.”

By the way, do you know what today’s kids want to be when they grow up? Influencers.

What Do You Want?

Put the glamorous life aside. Instagram aside. Kardashians aside. What do you want in life? That’s a tough one, I know.

I have a constant dilemma between:

a) Living a free, creative, don’t-give-a-fuck-somewhere-in-Italy-and-writing kind of life;

b) Being an ultra-successful entrepreneur, building businesses, flying across the world to give keynote speeches, etc.

Why I can’t tell you what you should choose, here’s what I think for myself. It makes sense to put the glamour aside and to think about what fits you and your personality more.

Do you get pumped working around the clock? (I don’t) Can you work 14-hours straight? (Probably not, that’s a Gary-Vaynerchuk-lie).

Or do you enjoy living for yourself, analyzing the world and your place in it — and writing about it? (That would be me)

Trust Feeling More Than Thoughts

I’ve discovered that the key to answering life’s tough questions is to focus on the feelings instead of thinking your way to the right answer. Your feelings never lie. As Steve Jobs said, “Like with all matters of the heart, you’ll know it when you’ve found it. So keep looking.”

Forget about what you “think.” Forget about what’s “right.” Don’t mind what you “should” — at least for a minute.

What feels, right?

Redefine Success

At the end of the day, if you can’t become successful — why not just redefine it?

People told Marie Forleo to focus all her life, but she couldn’t. She liked doing different things: from dancing to life-coaching to stock trading. The conventional wisdom goes, “Focus on one thing and become good at it,” but what if you don’t feel like it?

Then — instead of trying to fit yourself into the traditional notion of success — we can redefine it. What’s success to you? Maybe, it’s having fun doing all of those different things.

It worked for Marie Forleo.