Trump Promises to "Shit All Over Ohio" if Elected

Donald Trump announced this morning that if elected, he will "shit all over" the state of Ohio starting his first day in office.

"Because it's a toilet, that's why," the Republican presidential nominee replied when asked. "Stupid question. Next question."

Trump elaborated: "I've been eating nothing but Frito Salad for months. I've got bags of the stuff," he said, presumably referring to his feces. "And once I'm in office, thppppppppt."

Opening a fist over his lectern, Trump then blew a raspberry.

Meanwhile, news of Trump's comments have bumped him five points ahead of his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton in the Buckeye State.

Remarked one Ohioan: "Trump's right. We suck. If anything, being shit on is too good for us."

Appearing later in the day at a rally in Pittsburgh, Trump said that if elected, he would employ the country's nuclear arsenal to destroy the state of Pennsylvania.

"Like wiping my ass after a nice, long dump over Ohio," he said. "Fuck Pennsylvania."

Trump's comments were reportedly received with wild applause.