Following his failure to kill—sorry, liberate—millions of Americans by effectively taking away their health insurance, Donald Trump on Tuesday decided to dream bigger, setting his sights on the destruction of the entire planet with an an executive order intended to roll back several key Obama-era climate-change policies. Flanked by coal miners, Vice-President Mike Pence, Energy Secretary Rick Perry, and anti-environment Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, Trump put pen to paper and declared victory over liberal snowflakes everywhere. “My administration is putting an end to the war on coal,” he said, promising to end the “crushing attack” on the energy industry by killjoy regulators.

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In Trump’s mind, bringing back a smattering of jobs is more important than addressing the very real and detrimental effects of climate change. Even if the coal industry is dying—thanks natural-gas boom—and those mining jobs are rapidly disappearing anyway. Per The New York Times:

Coal miners should not assume their jobs will return if Trump’s regulations take effect. The new order would mean that older coal plants that had been marked for closing would probably stay open for a few years longer, extending the demand for coal, said Robert W. Godby, an energy economist at the University of Wyoming.

But even so, “the mines that are staying open are using more mechanization,” he said. “They’re not hiring people,” he continued. “So even if we saw an increase in coal production, we could see a decrease in coal jobs,” he added.

Unfortunately, “accelerating the decline of the planet and making bold claims about growing jobs while not actually growing jobs” doesn’t fit neatly on one of those red hats. Back to the drawing board, re-election staffers!

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Area 24-year-old about to find out what it’s like “when a pack of hyenas take down a young wildebeest”

Ray Dalio is the 67-year-old founder of Bridgewater Associates, a Westport, Connecticut–based hedge fund with $150 billion in assets under management. A number of years back, Dalio wrote Principles, which serves as the company’s unofficial handbook and includes maxims like “Firing people is not a big deal,” “Ask yourself whether you’ve earned the right to have an opinion,” “Pain + reflection = progress,” and a metaphor about why tearing one’s colleague to shreds in full view of the company is actually the right thing to do, much like how “when a pack of hyenas take down a young wildebeest,” it might “seem” cruel, but in actuality “is good for both the hyenas who are operating in their self-interest and the interest of the greater system, including those of the wildebeest, because killing and eating the wildebeest fosters evolution (i.e., the natural process of improvement).”

One time, according to the Times, Bridgewater’s former general counsel and current F.B.I. director James Comey interrogated the firm’s co-C.E.O. about whether or not she’d physically typed an e-mail, employees were given clips of the interrogation to watch as “homework,” and Ray fired someone in a company-wide e-mail for failing to complete the assignment. Then he reportedly took it back and claimed he was merely “trying to shake things up” after a number of senior execs told him they were disturbed by the incident. Later, Dalio, who tasks everyone at Bridgewater with maintaining an environment of “radical truth” and “radical transparency” flipped out on The New York Times for reporting the incident.

All of which is to say that Sankaranarayan Subramanian might want to steer clear of the Bridgwater campus for a while. Per Zero Hedge:

According to the Hamden Patch [news site], authorities began investigating the theft of “confidential Bridgewater IT configuration documents” from the company’s 1 Glendinning Place headquarters in November of last year.

“Bridgewater IT Security determined that Subramanian had emailed himself, on several occasions, multiple confidential Bridgewater IT documents from his Bridgewater email account to his personal email account without authorization,” wrote Westport police in a statement.

“Subramanian intentionally and without authorization made copies (in the form of print and email data transfer) of data residing in the Bridgewater Associates computer system and by taking data intended for the use by that computer system.”

Police obtained a warrant for Subramanian's arrest, and on March 23, Westport detectives arrested him at his Hamden residence. The charge? E-Crime of the First Degree which includes Theft of Computer Services. Subramanian was released on a $100,000 bond and is scheduled to appear in Norwalk Superior Court on April 3.

In a statement to The Hour, Subramanian’s lawyer said his client is “a highly educated and skilled programmer, who never had a blemish on his record until this incident. We hope to shed light on the case over the next few weeks and come to a quick and fair disposition through the court process.”

As Zero Hedge notes, the alleged crime is similar to the one former Goldman Sachs programmer Sergey Aleynikov was accused of in 2009. In that instance, Goldman went after Aleynikov with the fury of 1,000 high-frequency traders; the programmer was arrested, convicted, sent to prison, had his conviction thrown, was arrested again, convicted again, had his conviction thrown out again, and was just convicted again in January, all on the basis of the same theft. One shudders to think how Dalio might handle his own version of the situation, but we imagine it involves a pack of real live hyenas.

Wharton thinks there might be some merit in its graduates knowing about things that don’t just involve Excel

It’s a crazy notion, but what if the business leaders of tomorrow knew about things like philosophy or literature or what it’s like to survive on less than $150,000 a year? Wharton alum and investment banker Ken Moelis, who says if he could do it all over would have been a history major and then gone on to get his M.B.A. (though acknowledges he’s doing alright for himself—his firm has been selected as an adviser for the world’s largest I.P.O.), has decided to spend a few million on the experiment. Per The Wall Street Journal:

University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business is set to launch a new program today for undergraduates studying liberal arts, science and nursing at the Ivy League institution and looking to gain early admission to its prestigious graduate business school. Moelis and his wife, Julie Taffet Moelis, gave a $10 million gift to their alma mater to create the program, which is open to Penn seniors aiming to work for up to four years after graduation before returning to campus to study management. The initiative, called the Moelis Advance Access Program, will make financial aid for tuition costs available for all fellows, who might have been working for nonprofits or in jobs with relatively low pay for recent college graduates. The idea is to broaden the mix of students beyond typical M.B.A.-seekers, who tend to apply after working in finance or consulting roles.

“We don’t want students to have to choose between following their intellectual passion or social values and getting a good job,” said Wharton dean Geoffrey Garrett.

Republicans want Steven Mnuchin to reconsider the whole “too big to fail” thing

According to Bloomberg, Senators Tom Cotton and Mike Crapo have requested the new Treasury secretary “rethink the process for labeling firms whose failure could threaten the financial system, arguing it has led to substantial regulatory costs.” And you know how upset Republicans get when they think banks are being forced to fork over too much money to help ensure the safety of the global financial system. Per Bloomberg:

[The Financial Stability Oversight Council‘s] role is to stamp out threats before they cause the level of carnage experienced in the 2008 financial crisis. Its members include the heads of Treasury, the Federal Reserve, the Securities and Exchange Commission and other agencies. Any change in how it identifies systemically important companies could affect insurers and asset managers—not the biggest U.S. lenders, which are automatically designated. Getting that label can bring consequences such as stringent capital and liquidity requirements and aggressive monitoring by the Fed. That’s why insurer MetLife Inc. sued to free itself from the designation. The oversight council hasn’t designated a new firm as systemically important in recent years.

Brits are stock-piling gold like nobody’s business

When investors are scared sh*t-less about, say, the leader of the free world reaming out retailers on social media during an intelligence briefing or the United Kingdom leaving the European Union and becoming an isolationist hinterland with a xenophobic streak, they tend to start hoarding gold. So it’s not super-surprising to learn that, as a result of the U.K.’s unfortunate little vote last summer, “U.K. gold bar hoarding” increased 39 percent in 2016.

“Macroeconomic fears are conducive to increased investment demand in gold,” Ross Strachan told the Wall Street Journal, pointing out that “during and after the global financial crisis . . . global gold bar investment increased from 237.7 metric tons in 2007 to 1246.9 metric tons in 2011.”

Elsewhere!

Trump’s economic agenda may be over before it starts (Business Insider)

The Kremlin and the White House have conflicting accounts of Jared Kushner's meeting with the CEO of a Russia-owned bank (Business Insider)

Bloomberg suffers rare drop in terminal numbers as banks cut back (Financial Times)

Will the president risk a government shutdown over the ultimate vanity project? (The Hive)

Anthony Scaramucci Is Still Auditioning for a White House Role (TheStreet)

‘Deep Subprime’ Auto Loans Are Surging (Bloomberg)

U.S. House committee approves bill to increase scrutiny of Fed (Reuters)

Businesses That Serve Immigrants Feel Pinched by Trump’s Moves (W.S.J.)

Swipe by Swipe, Chinese Smartphone Users Flock to Risky Investments (W.S.J.)

Billionaires plan to ride out the Apocalypse in style (NYP)