Zaddy.

NYU is a school of many mascots. Violets, torches, and bobcats are all symbols of our great university. The difference between them is vast, but perhaps the biggest difference between our three symbols of NYU pride is this: I only want to fuck one of them.

Listen. The NYU Bobcat is hot. We all have to stop pretending that he isn’t. He’s a stunning example of what can happen when you tame a wild beast, and I want to have sex with him because of it. Let’s look at the evidence.

He cares about fitness. Look at him on that bike! You don’t get those thicc thighs from just lounging around eating Upstein Chic-Fil-A. No, this dude has been putting in hours at 404 Fitness, and it has been paying off. I want him to crush me.

He loves animals! Granted, he is an animal, but whatever. Look at how he approaches that pug with such grace, such ease. I’ve never wanted to be a pug in a mini Porsche more in my life.

Those eyes. Wow. Imagine: You wake up after a night of torrid passion and you see those eyes. He uses his giant paw to push the hair away from your face before letting out a quiet, “Hey.” You call your mom from the bathroom. “I think I’ve found the one.”

In conclusion, NYU should let me fuck the bobcat. NYU’s whole schtick is letting their students follow their wildest dreams, and just because mine is getting railed by a giant bobcat doesn’t make it any less valid.