They say in the midst of a storm is where you can find yourself, right now my life feels like a tornado, my thoughts, my emotions all spiralling, confusing, spinning, blurred and a little bit broken, and all I can do is stand here and watch it until it comes to a natural stop, dropping everything it picked up along the way in a big pile and going ‘Here’s your life, save what you can and leave the rest behind’

So it’s probably a good time for me to start picking up my pieces and putting them back together, learning how to leave stuff behind. I just wish I knew how.

I definitely need counselling now though I know that much, I’ve always said no when offered it at the Drs before because I was never ready, but I really need it now. Everything has just built up and I’m fed up of being a mess all the time, I need my head to not be such a mess, because quite frankly it’s ruining so many parts of my life that I just need to get it out and work through it, and I need proper help to do that.

I’ve cried so much in the last few weeks, I’m crying writing this, everything just HURTS. I don’t want things to hurt anymore, it’s all just too much all at once and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it. Everything is making me cry, someone’s nice to me I cry, I think I cry, I talk I cry. I can’t win.

I’ve got nearly 13 years of depression under my belt, 13 years of mistakes, memories, hurt, loss and Christ knows what else that I really need to work through before it continues ruining my life. I want my life back, I don’t even know who I am anymore, without this illness, where does it stop and I begin? Will I ever be able to work that out? Find out who I am? I don’t even know where to start figuring any of this out.

I’m just fed up of fighting this illness on my own with just packet of Citalopram to keep me going, so next week, I’m going to see the Dr, ask for counselling and any other help than can give me.

I can’t do this alone anymore….