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The Generosity Reflex

In China, generosity is a reflex, like saying “please” or “thank you.” This covers obvious things, like picking up the tab at restaurants, but it covers subtler things too — handing your neighbor a napkin as soon as her old one gets dirty, or serving her the moment she lays eyes on a dish, before she asks. It’s as if everyone is scanning each other for the tiniest inconvenience so that they can jump in and fix it.

When my father flew to Fuzhou to give a lecture, the host university assigned a graduate student named Lily to accompany him. Once, she offered to carry his notebook for him, and he said “no, I’m fine.” Lily looked so dejected that he changed his mind and handed it to her anyway.

A related principle: one should always offer much, much more than is needed. Once I took a weekend trip to Yixing (pronounced “ee-shing”), a small city in Jiangsu Province about two hours from Shanghai. Joining me was my coworker Dandan, our boss Angela, and Angela’s son Ben. Since Dandan’s mom is from Yixing, and Angela is Dandan’s boss, Dandan’s mom did the polite thing and booked us an Audi A6 (black, of course) and a driver for the trip.

Before the car even left Shanghai, Dandan, Angela, and the driver pulled out snacks. But each had brought enough snacks to feed the whole car. This started a kind of politeness-fight: Dandan offered Lay’s chips, Angela refused and offered Cold Wonton in Peanut Sauce, and the driver refused both and pulled out bottles of Oolong Tea for everyone. After a few minutes of confusion, Angela finally won, and we all munched on Cold Wonton in Peanut Sauce in silence as we rode along the G2 Expressway.

An hour later, Dandan called her mom to tell her we’d already eaten, no need to prepare dinner. It’s alright, said her mom, I’ll just prepare a little snack. When we arrived, it became clear that Dandan’s mom invited us to the finest hotel in Yixing. The “little snack” was: eight platters of Yixing delicacies like Lake Tai turtle, sweet lily-petal soup, diced chicken with mountain chestnuts, wild bamboo shoots in vinegar… she had even ordered a garden salad, drenched in mayonnaise, for the “foreign guest.” We were served five more such “little snacks” before the end of the weekend.

This level of generosity is the norm, especially for a boss, a foreign guest, or a love interest. Not surprisingly, Western men in Shanghai have a reputation for stinginess, or xiao qi. Translated literally, this means “small air” or “low qi-energy,” implying deeper spiritual-medical causes.