On the waves of mythology, coursing through to the youngest college students, the message made itself known. You must vote with your souls. You can look on, at the Gods and their operatic dramas. You can see them swindle and cheat. But you make the judgment that you know in your hearts, and choose the one who appeals to you best.

From Alpha Centauri, the greys have a candidate we think you’ll all love. He’s the clever alien that appears in your comic books and movies. He’s a spirit, coming down to earth in order to program Radiohead drum tracks. He’s in all of your souls, actually, his race being where we got our souls as humans in the first place, and him being the leader of them all, anyway. But there’s something about him you might notice. He’s deeply lonely. He traveled here all on his own, to meet you, but it’s been a very long trip. He’ll return to Alpha Centauri, and visit the other planets on the campaign trail, but first he needs your vote.

Next is the Nords, the tall white patrons of the artist, Bjork. Also programming drum beats you’ve heard a thousand times, the Nords promise an enlightened afterlife. You’ll be singing up with them in heaven, if you die and they’re in charge. They roam the fields of a virtual planet that can capture you moments before death and freeze your brain to be put into the simulation. The best part is that it’s a multi-person environment and you’ll never have to leave the ones you love. It’s a nice choice for any vote of the soul. They’re a collective conscious, wishing to rule the galaxy from their planet near the center of the Milky Way.

Finally, the reptilians chase your vote with the insane cleverness of snakes and lizards. They don’t need your willing endorsement. They merely steal your soul through occult tactics. There leader is Xenu, who rules from the very center of the galaxy. He has power over wild animals, and makes them perform rituals of divine power right under humanity’s noses. Xenu is thought to have cloned himself and sent the tiny copies across space to other galaxies to rule them, as well. It’s said he may rule the universe someday, with humanity falling layers deep in the caste of hell under him. He is vastly intelligent, and already controls much of the modern media.

Will yourself to be led by one of these forces, and your vote shall be cast. Humanity has never before graced the galaxy with the endorsement of their collective souls, and it will be nice to see them vote for the right entity. The galaxy needs you. Begin your inner searching.