With the government having reluctantly come to the conclusion that it was probably a better look to hang around and go through the motions of doing a bit of work rather than bunk off on hols a few days early while the country fell apart, the Commons eventually got round to debating the third reading of the trade bill. Though not for very long, obviously. After all, it wasn’t as if it contained anything of great importance. It was only Brexit.

Ken Clarke kicked things off with a point of order complaining about the limited amount of time the government had allocated to such significant legislation. Anyone would think it didn’t want parliament to have much of a say.

Ministers on the front bench nodded enthusiastically. It was all terribly complicated and they didn’t want to detain anyone for any longer than necessary so close to their hols. MPs should just lie back and think of saving Theresa May.

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For a while, as the less contentious amendments to the bill were debated, everyone appeared to do just that. Opening for the government, the junior trade minister, George Hollingbery, spent a long time confusing himself and everyone else by insisting that future trade arrangements would be both identical to how they were now and completely different. He seemed to be making a bid to become the idiot’s idiot. A hotly contested title in the Tory party at the moment.

It wasn’t until much later in the afternoon that MPs got to the debate proper. For all of half an hour. This was Conservative Phillip Lee’s amendment to remain in the European Medicine Partnership and Stephen Hammond’s to keep the UK in a customs union if the government had failed to reach a trade deal with the EU by 21 January next year. Both were at pains to point out that these were entirely consistent with the prime minister’s Chequers’ white paper. Their problem was that the government now only appears to accept amendments that directly contradict its own policies.

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While Hammond spelled out the dangers to jobs and business of a no-deal Brexit, the chief whip, Julian Smith, passed Hollingbery a piece of paper. The minister then intervened. It was like this. If Hammond was to forget about his amendment, he would promise to put forward a different amendment in the House of Lords saying that he had given the rebel proposals even greater thought before deciding to ignore them. Trust me, I’m a liar.

“That’s a generous offer,” said Hammond. One that he wasn’t tempted to accept. Having been palmed off with snake oil over the meaningful vote, he wasn’t going to fall for the same trick twice. Once bitten twice shy. His counter offer for the government to accept his new clause 18 and then to amend it in the Lords was also refused. Stalemate.

Theresa is now so in hock to the hardline Brexiters of the European Reform Group that she can barely get out of bed without their permission. It’s painful to watch. Deep down she must wish someone would press her control-alt-delete keys to crash her entirely. Without authority. Without self worth. Without a plan. Without. Oblivion must be preferable.

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As the government whips visibly bullied their way round the chamber – so much for plans to crack down on abuse in parliament – a few of the rebels held firm.

Lee declared that the previous day, when the government had ripped up its own white paper to accommodate a small cabal of Brexiters, had been his worst as a parliamentarian. There must have been stiff competition, as only a few weeks ago he had resigned as a minister only to abstain on a rebellion. Nicky Morgan insisted it was time to think of the national interest. Most Tories appeared horrified by the suggestion.

Then came the votes. The government lost on the Lee amendment, but squeaked home on Hammond’s, the one that really mattered. The Tory benches went loudly berserk when the result was announced. Finding you’ve still got a job for at least another day can do that to people.

When push came to shove not enough Tory rebels had been prepared to rebel. The bullied had sold their souls to save a leader whom they knew was useless and planned to get rid of anyway at some point in the near future.

Even then the government could have been defeated but for four Labour MPs who voted against the amendment. Step forward Kate Hoey, Graham Stringer, Frank Field and John Mann. Or Baroness Kate, Sir Graham, Sir Frank and Sir John as they will surely become when the prime minister next gets round to compiling an honours list. She owes them big time. These four had a chance to put a Labour government close to power and thought better of it. They must be very proud of themselves.