The First Audition

In that first audition we had to do a character of your choice, a political impersonation, if you could do one, and a celebrity impersonation. I did Ted Kennedy doing stand-up comedy. I did the “Get off the shed” piece. And I did Harry Caray at a play reading, very much a “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” type play.

The Callback

The directive for my callback was even less structured than the first audition. But first there was a meeting with Lorne, face to face. I started to go through what I was going to do, and Lorne basically said: “Oh, I wouldn’t do that. We’ve already seen this.” And by the end of it, I said, “Are you saying, basically, come up with a whole new audition?” And he was like, “Yeah.”

I had always heard that Adam Sandler had met with Lorne Michaels for five minutes and did a bit where he humped a chair, and Lorne signed him to a five-year deal. At least that’s what I read. I thought: “That guy’s smart. He didn’t get nervous. He came in and was just going to be funny. You know what? I’m going to do the same thing. I’m not going to be intimidated by the situation.” So I came in with a briefcase full of counterfeit money that I’d bought at a toy store. And in the middle of whatever Lorne was going to say, I was just going to start stacking the equivalent of $25,000 in counterfeit money on his desk. And say: “Listen, Lorne, you and I can say whatever we want to say. But we really know what talks and that’s money. And I’m going to walk out of this room, and you can either take this money or not. And I can be on the show.”

And then I was just going to get up and leave. But it was just not a joking atmosphere. And I never get to do my gag. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there with a briefcase the whole time. What idiot comes with a briefcase and sits there holding a briefcase?

The 11th-Hour Inspiration

There I am in my hotel room — I was talking with Chris and Cheri, going, “You guys, I have to literally revamp everything I’m going to do.” I was up till 3 in the morning. I still did “Get off the shed,” again. I did Bill Clinton. That was horrible. Especially when I saw Darrell Hammond’s audition. I was like: “Oh, I get it. He’s the impersonation guy.” And then I did a sketch where I was a guy, alone in my office, who in between taking calls, would play with cat toys. There’s a point where I’m rolling around on the ground, in complete silence, playing with cat toys. And I’m thinking:, “Oh, it’s over. It’s just over now.”