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Recent school leaver Tom Wells has decided that his first act of rebellion will be an ‘ironic’ handlebar moustache. Unfortunately for Tom, his piss weak facial hair has resulted in something that looks less like Hulk Hogan, and more like nan’s patchwork quilt.

Though his face pubes have done nothing for him in the girl department, his mates think it looks pretty sick.

“It’s bloody hilarious,” says mate Will, “We’ve all decided to grow one, you know, just as a joke.”

Tom’s friends, all recent graduates from Betoota Grammar, have decided to grow their hair shoulder length and attempt moustaches of their own. Some of them have even gone one step further, whipping out the bucket hat and dad’s old sunnies for a proper ‘lad look.’

“Have you heard of Nautica?” Asks Tom’s friend, also named Tom, “It’s the sickest brand hey.”

Despite hailing from homes where the net income is six figures, Tom’s group of friends all insist on looking homeless, and won’t be seen without their bum bags, Adidas trackies, and rolled smokes. Tom 2, the obvious rebel of the group, opts for a bubblegum vape instead.

“It’s so freeing being out of a school uniform,” adds Sam, playing on his ironic Nokia 3310, “we can finally be real.”

Tom 2 is about to add his two cents when he’s interrupted by Sam’s Nokia playing ‘Old Town Road.’

“Fuck what a tuuuuune”, says Tom, dabbing like its 2015.

“Can’t nobody tell me noooooothing.”

The Advocate reporter attempts to ask the boys more questions but is thwarted by all four furiously dabbing out of time to the music.

More to come.