Remember when arcade beat-‘em-ups were deliberately too difficult so you’d pay to keep playing? How about when failure meant having to replay an entire level? It’s a good thing those days are over – and it’s too bad Double Dragon: Neon doesn’t realize it.

Loading

Loading

Double Dragon: Neon is the embodiment of what’s wrong with HD remakes. It’s afraid to let go of the ‘80s altar it worships at, even if it means cramming a crummy, archaic experience down players’ throats. Rather than remind players what they loved about the series, Neon reminds them why the arcade is dead.Much to its disadvantage, Neon never sets out to be anything other than Double Dragon. Yes, it adds new mechanics like unlockable special moves and shops for replenishing lost lives, as well as 3D characters, but at its core this is a loyal retro remake. Everything around it is superfluous because none of those features contribute anything to Neon’s benefit. There’s a laundry list of issues in Double Dragon that don’t sit well decades later, and Neon retains all of them.The additional stages help fill out the original game’s 30-minute length, but only by about another 30 minutes, so you’re paying ten bucks for an hour of gameplay. In those new levels you’ll encounter inept platforming segments, which don’t mesh well with Neon’s slow, cumbersome characters. You’ll also suffer through frustrating enemy encounters that aim for you to fail, only to have to repeat an entire scenario from the start. In addition, the finicky combat demands precision Neon can’t achieve, so expect to punch a lot of dead air instead of bad guys when you’re not on the exact same plane.This dedication to bygone design philosophies wounds Double Dragon: Neon because it compromises quality for the sake of nostalgia. Granted, it does a bang-up job of nailing the goofy, fun tone of the ‘80s, and exaggerating it where necessary, but if you’re not obsessed with the culture of the time, the cheesy one-liners, outdated styles, and constant references to old action movies will be completely lost on you. Even then, the only thing Double Dragon: Neon does exceptionally well in this respect is music. The shredding guitar solos, upbeat synth melodies, and pop-fueled power-ballads are crafted with expert mockery . The parodies are so on-point, though, that a few of them are totally listenable.Fun tunes can’t salvage the clunky combat and plodding pace of Double Dragon: Neon, of course, especially in the face of even more unforgivable issues. During a late-game boss fight, I died and my co-op partner killed a behemoth tank. By virtue of having to throw explosives at its close-range weak spot, he died as well. Neon didn’t restart the level or advance us, so we had to reboot the console and start the entire stage again. Neon’s design is even worse if you’re playing alone. Surviving wave after wave of identical enemies is challenging because it exhausts your HP rather than gives you a satisfying challenge. Bland battles just go on too long. On top of all this, I found myself plugging in a second controller when my player one died early on, simply so I’d have the extra lives necessary to finish a mission I otherwise couldn’t.If I need to play co-op by myself to brute force my way through a campaign, it’s time to throw in the towel and play something else.