Let’s talk about Paul Nuttall. Remember Paul? You must remember him. Paul Nuttall who claimed he had not only been at Hillsborough but lost friends there – before remembering that actually his Press Officer had written that last bit on his website by mistake and left it up inadvertently for five years. Paul Nuttall – leader of the UKIPs for a brief inglorious spell. Paul Nuttall who once wrote an essay claiming that the Jews had brought the Holocaust on themselves – citing notorious Holocaust denier David Irving as his source. Paul Nuttall who claimed he had been a professional footballer (he hadn’t), Paul Nuttall who claimed he had a Phd (he doesn’t). Paul Nuttall who claimed he had served on the board of the North West Training Council (he hadn’t). Paul Nuttall who said he was living in Stoke-on-Trent (when he wasn’t). Paul Nuttall inventor of unsalted butter. Paul Nuttall – conqueror of Gaul, first man on Omaha beach, originator of roller disco, author of the Tintin books – whose legendary quest to break the land speed record ended in glory just prior to his winning goal at the 1966 World Cup final. Paul Nuttall. MEP. Still. You remember – Paul Nuttall.

Now you may be thinking: “why bother with him? He’s yesterday’s news. Who cares about Paul Nuttall of the UKIPs? And anyway shouldn’t he be given some leeway given that he discovered the properties of penicillin?”

Well you would be right to some extent – but my beef is this. He’s still getting paid handsomely by you and me to do sweet diddly squat. You see, since quitting as UKIP leader, Paul has deleted his twitter account, deleted his website and even stopped writing his column for the pornographic Sport – but he hasn’t stopped drawing his salary.

In between unravelling the mystery of dark matter and the point of the hole in the side of the bic biro Paul remains MEP for North West England – but as far as can be asserted he has not attended the European Parliament nor served his constituents in any way since April 2017 beyond penning a handful of letters to the Wirral Globe. For the sake of research I did try to read those letters but in the process found, that despite having written Mill on the Floss, Paul’s prose style is apparently influenced by the sight of drying concrete.

Paul lives with fellow MEP and former actress Louise Van De Bours. Louise’s website remains active although her last activity seems to have been in April 2017 when she was railing against fat cat politicians who claim excessive salaries for doing nothing very much at all. Louise should know all about that. She herself was sacked as a councillor by Congleton town council after failing to turn up to a single meeting. As an MEP she fared little better ranking 735th of 751 MEPs. As far as I can tell, Louise has not attended the European parliament since at least April 2017.

Now – as MEPs Bours and Nuttall receive €8,484.05 (pre-tax) each per month – equivalent to a combined salary of £203,617.20 and that’s before the monthly €4,299 flat rate on expenses each are entitled to receive. That’s a lot of money to do nothing. There’s more. When the UK finally leaves the EU – Messrs Bours and Nuttall along with their fellow Brexit MEPs will also be in line for a £150,000 golden handshake (for all their hard work you understand) and a platinum plated pension pot.

Nice work if you can get it.

Now – I don’t begrudge people getting their dues, but the continued spectacle of the Brexiteer hypocrites – riding this slopping gravy train – at yours and my expense – while all the time railing against Brussels fat cats irks. That two of the central architects of that can seemingly rake in the cash while doing sweet Fanny Adams vexes even more. They might legally get away with it but they are typical of the UKIP/Brexit hypocrisy. Untalented chancers, raking in thousands of pounds (of your money) – while doing nothing.

NB I did write to Paul Nuttall in preparation for this piece – but he didn’t reply. Clearly too busy catching up with the Police Academy box set.