What is it like to live with a mental disorder? I googled this and I wasn't satisfied with what I saw. It didn't reflect my experience. There is not enough about the experience.

This writing here is mostly for me.

Most people would be surprised to learn that I live with a mental disorder because I don't show it. This is a double edged sword, because on the one hand, I get treated normally, but on the other, when things become difficult, I can't seem to voice myself or find the adequate vocabulary to properly express or communicate about it, so I'm still learning how to ask for support, or what that support would even look like.

Nobody can save me from this, I know. But when life doesn't slow down and take it easy, giving a moment's break to gather the pieces, it can be tough. For me, my body often breaks down before I do, forcing me to stop and rest. My body draws the line because otherwise I will just push myself forward with a bull-headed stubbornness that most people admire, but that leads me to also push fate - the point I know well as I dance along the thin line of the limits of physical endurance.

Living with OCD is tough on the body. I experience emotions, energies, feelings very physically and in great detail. I have seen this as a gift - it IS a gift as the feedback is instant and undeniable: where and when am I participating in the destructive nature of the mind. It is in my face and it is inescapable, which is why I also see the dead seriousness of walking the process that I am.

Maybe if everybody had OCD things would be better, as more research would be done into the nature of the mind and it's effect and influence on the body and the very beingness of each one. In a way, we all DO have OCD, as no one is in control of their thoughts that come up compulsively and upon which we act.

If we all had OCD to this degree we would all see that there is a serious problem. But we don't, and there is very little understanding of the mind. The support for growing up with any kind of mental disorder or variance is little to none, so that it becomes too much a part of the individual, the Who I Am, when it is not Who I Am, so this programming has to be undone, and until then the damage has to be lived with and managed. But this is the same for everyone.

I know what it is like to look at and know a person with a disorder and not see the depths of their suffering because my physical eyes only see a normal person and can not conceive of what is going on within them. But I know because I live it, and I experience the waves, seemingly unending as I strengthen myself with each crash by not giving up and not giving in.

Functioning normally in society is tough because there is no break during a crash. The same expectations to deliver are there. When I feel I have nothing to give I must still give my all. I say, it is an illness, I need a rest, a break, let me gather my strength. I see, no one wants the other to have special treatment, a break when others are not getting a break. I see that. I don't ask for a break, I try to walk the line in such a way that doesn't break me. Practicing as I have broken many times. I medicate the pain so that I can continue to deliver like the rest - no special treatment. I wonder how many others are medicating?

We are all medicating in our own way, sometimes without even taking actual medication.

OCD is also medicating, in a way, but a destructive way to get a release.

I don't want people to know because it is taboo, I am a liability, a weak link on a company salary - the questionable one that can't be depended on.

"What is the problem Kim?"

I panic, I search, I answer. "I get migraines".

I hide it, I call it a migraine. Yes, the migraines come too, a migraine is more acceptable. Everyone knows how to act around someone with a migraine. Hard working people get migraines. People can relate to migraines. Yes, I have a migraine. Leave me alone and let me sort myself out, it's just a migraine, it will pass. I will feel better again soon - and I will. This is all also true.

Sometimes I panic: How the fuck am I supposed to get through life like this? What if it gets worse and I can't depend on myself?

But I have found a process that has assisted and supported exponentially. I know because I look at where I've come from, how my life has changed. It gets blurry during the crashes, but the evidence is so undeniable that I can see if even if I don't want to look. Often looking back holds you back, but sometimes during a storm looking at the path you've walked can help to navigate the way forward when the way forward is unclear. This is the benefits of experience. It gets better, I become stronger, this is the only option as my decision.

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ - The Way Forward