Oh, the Shit You’ll Do After You’re Tenured!

We regret to inform you:

Today’s not your day

Though you’ve sweated and labored

Every August through May

You have brains in your head

And a CV for miles

(Or so we have read

In your annual files)

But tenure is coming, just a few more years—

And the shit you’ll do, why, it’ll bring them to tears!

You’ll look up old colleagues just to smugly inquire

How their tenure clock’s coming and when it expires

And to show off your new status as you sign-off:

“Check the signature, bitch — ASSOCIATE PROF!”

With no committees to impress or advisers to flatter

You’ll find yourself writing about subjects that matter

While your pre-tenure colleagues all scoff and condemn

(And dream of the day when it happens to them.)

Such opinions you’ll have — in public, and more!

You’ll get suspended from Twitter for starting a war

About political subjects, about this, about that…

“D’Souza’s a moron”; “Pinker’s a hack.”

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you comb the backlist

Of all you ignored and all that you missed

While you were slouching towards tenure, blind as could be

To music and memes, to books and TV.

Whole mornings you’ll lose, and whole afternoons

To trolling and arguing with faceless buffoons

Like MAGABro69 and DixieBrunette —

You may even say a few things you regret.

But it’s okay!

You’ll be tenured!

And joy will abound

(Until the university itself closes down)

If your studies be Music, Econ, or Lit,

If your name be Dingus or Dill or DeWitt –

Your day will arrive

With a note from the dean,

And the shit you will do

will be shit they ain’t seen.