I’ve been noodling on the recent mass shootings. Like most people I’ve been trying to concoct some solutions to these horrors. Like most people who’ve done this, I feel like I’ve been banging my head on the wall. As I’ve said before, I don’t have the answer…. But maybe I have a partial solution…. Maybe

Most of the recent shooters are male, disenfranchised, marginalized, and emotionally unstable. You know that guy. The one everybody avoids because he’s “weird”. The one that has a hard time engaging in conversation and connecting with others. Now I’m not saying all misfit loners are going to get a semi-automatic and start creating chaos…. Not by a long shot…. But….

I used to know that guy in school. He was David. David was the guy who was quiet in class… Drawing coffins and skulls and vampires in his notebook. David always had a “weird” sense of humor. He focused on the macabre and other-world stuff. David was a bit of a geek. David is the guy some suspected police would find murdered children under the floorboards of his kitchen when he was grown. David didn’t have friends and was a loner. Other kids talked about him in ‘hushed tones’. Kids can be cruel. Teachers can be even meaner. They weren’t so ‘hushed toned’ when it came to criticism of him.

David was a pudgy, wire-haired kid who was in-the-closet gay. This was the early 1970’s and it was also the south. Gay wasn’t accepted, much less celebrated. If I remember correctly David presented as more confused sexually than gay. He was supposed to like girls, but that never clicked for him. But he couldn’t like boys either, that was forbidden. It was something we never discussed.

These were the days before Dungeons and Dragons, LARP, or Star Wars. There was no cable TV, no Sci-Fi channel and of course, no internet. We only had black rotary phones and 3 television stations.

If he was in school today he’d probably lean toward the “goth” or “zombie” kids. And he might have been too shy to associate with them.

David was also my cousin. We were related and I was expected to associate with him in school. I wasn’t a popular kid either. I was 6’0″, skinny, gangly, be-speckled, a bit of an egg-head/nerd, and socially inept. But David was family and I had an obligation (based on my parents expectations) to befriend David. So I did.

In the beginning I had lunch with David about every other day. After a few weeks a couple more boys joined the table and we had lunch everyday together. There at the table were four misfits talking about what adolescent boys talk about. For us it was tractors and motorcycles and NASCAR and trying to make some money from part-time jobs and laughing about ole Mrs Hackney sleeping in class and fart jokes. David, Randy, Eddie, and I; Unlikely associates at best… Definitely not a cool kids club.

David grew up and became a mortician. He was more comfortable around those who did not judge or make fun of him. Later, he was a respected funeral director and eventually came out of the closet. He had a loving partner for 20+ years and died an untimely death at 50 due to a heart attack. There were no dead children under his kitchen floorboards.

Randy’s dreams of being a great FFA agriculturalist crumbled and he eventually became a supervisor in an industrial plant. He married (against all odds) and raised a family. He has 4 grand-kids now and hopes to retire at 68. He owns his house, his truck, his garden, and a boat. Only 13 more years to retire and enjoy it all.

Eddie wanted to be a famous motocross rider and loved American motorcycles. When he was 13 he scored an Indian trail bike. Eddie died on his Harley in a motorcycle crash at age 24.

I became what and who I am.

None of us fulfilled the negative expectations of our parents or teachers or peers. All of us turned out OK. Why? Maybe because we had people we connected with. Even if it was an unlikely connection, originally forced by my parents. Maybe because we knew we were all different and didn’t fit in (kinda like all teens), but found a place to fit.

And maybe this is a partial solution to the present-day shooter situation. Maybe, if we engage one loner; if they feel the connection we offer; maybe we can prevent one casualty. Maybe.

Maybe they are weird and maybe they rebuff our attempt at human connection. But what could be the pay off? Is it possible we could prevent/abort/stop a mass shooting before it occurs? Maybe, just maybe. Like I said, It’s a long shot.

It’s time we get from behind our smartphones and tablets and ‘business’ and connect with another human. Go out of your way to connect with a live human. It will not be comfortable at first…. And parents, it’s time we teach our children to engage with others; And not just on social media… Teach them to connect even to the different kids…. You know, the marginalized ones.

Know, as you connect with these people, you’re planting seeds of kindness that may grow to something more valuable. It doesn’t take an education. It doesn’t take money. It doesn’t take a great sacrifice on your part. What it does take is a small decision to help change things where and when you can. And if you detect some threat, call for help. The more we connect and know, the better we become as a society.

All I’m saying is you can make a difference. And that’s why You matter!

And as always: Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay