We all know the world of dating is a world that can be a rollercoaster of cocktails, read messages, missed trains and, “Sorry I’ve got a family thing I can’t get out of” texts. But, living as a person who identifies as non-binary, let’s just say there a few extra spanners that are thrown into the mix - and that makes things just a little bit harder.

Non-binary identities, en masse, are people who live their lives in between, or outside of, the gender binary. And they make their own rules about their gender. The best thing for me about being non-binary, is the ways in which we can self identify, and define non-binary as something that’s solely individual to each of us.

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BUT, despite all this cheery queer energy, it can also make things incredibly wild and problematic. And this is something I’ve found as I enter the dating scene. I’m giving my personal experiences of dating men, but non-binary people, just like everyone else, can be attracted to all types of people, or none at all.

1. People always want you to “dress up” for them

As a femme presenting person within the non-binary and LGBTQ+ community, and someone who identifies romantically and sexually as queer, this can mean that a lot of thirsty men appear in my DMs.

We all know that type of guy, who thinks he owns the world and is just FASCINATED by the way you look, and we all know his favourite phrases: “Can you wear some heels for me?” “Can you throw on some fishnets?”

Stop right there.

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If we’re friends, or dating, and I feel comfortable throwing on a pair of cheap £1 fishnets, I will. But dropping me a message at 1 in the morning and asking me to send you pictures of me “dressed as a girl”, is not going to make me get out of bed and stop watching Queer Eye.

Sorry about it.

2. You’ll be asked when you’re going to transition… a lot

This isn’t even necessarily synonymous with dating, as I do get this question a lot in my day-to-day life. Some non-binary people may physically transition, some may not, but the only time it might be OK to ask that is if we’re going to be going back to mine, putting on some sexy music, lighting a few candles (because I’m a massive cliché), and going to town.

Don’t just ask people this question within the first few Tinder messages! It then becomes very clear you only want to sleep with them and/or care about what’s going on in their pants. Sometimes that’s fine, but other times, it’s not.

Know the boundaries!

3. People are going to assume you’re a bottom

Oh honey. Femme presenting people who enjoy sex are not always instantly submissive. Don’t make assumptions based on tired old sexual stereotypes about femme people - because oh, what’s that … oh look … it’s misogyny!

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If I’m on a date with someone and we’re heading back to mine, and they only give me the option of being submissive and a bottom because that’s what they expect me to do, you sure as hell know that I’m picking up my heels, throwing my sunglasses on and walking STRAIGHT out that door. (Even if it’s my own flat… I guess I didn’t really think that one through).

4. People will think dating you impacts their sexuality

Babes. Your sexuality and the ways in which you define your own sexuality are your goddamn business. If you need help, I can help, but oh boy is there a line where that help stops.

What we don’t need to be doing is using me as a way for you to legitimise your straightness, or your queerness, or your whatever. You do you.

But, we will draw a line somewhere…

One time a guy tried to tell me he was adamant he wasn’t gay (this was literally 10 minutes in), and that he just liked to sleep with trans people because they were “interesting” and “different”. There will never be enough red wine for me to agree with that statement, or to not call this man out on his blatant fetishism of trans bodies. Bye.

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5. Dating within the community can often be easier

Darlings, the world is tough for LGBTQ+ people all over the spectrum and the world, but I want to be able to laugh at these situations on occasion - because sometimes that’s the only way we can get through it. Let’s talk about our experiences and collectively laugh at the people that have wronged us, move on, get stronger, and be better!

My experiences with men over the past three years has really made me want to date from within the community, especially the non-binary community, from now on. We have so much strength and awareness.

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To anyone reading this who didn’t know anything about our community before, welcome! Just like with anyone else, if you see us on a really shit date and think we need help, come over and save us please.

Sisters have to look out for each other!

Jamie is a model and editor in chief at FRUITCAKE magazine. Follow them on Instagram and Twitter.

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