ANYONE hoping to vote for a functioning centre-left party can take a running jump, the Labour party has confirmed.

Senior Labour figures said it was ridiculous to expect them to act as a political party when they had so many fascinating internal disputes to attend to.

MP Tom Booker said: “ I don’t have time to oppose the Tories when I’m busy deciding which faction to support in a baffling row about committee rules.

“Labour voters need to stop moaning and let us get on with endlessly discussing unimpressive leadership candidates who no one will vote for anyway because they’ve got as much charisma as a carpet tile.

“We’ll get back to stuff like saving the NHS eventually, although that could take until 2025 and Britain will probably be a toxic waste dump belonging to a multinational corporation by then.”

Party member Nikki Hollis said: “I won’t accept anyone except Jeremy Corbyn as leader because I’m too young to remember if old-school CND lefties were popular the first time round.”