I’ve been playing D&D with Tam and Jasper for like five years now, and I’ve rolled plenty of 1’s before. Tons of critical failures.

One time my Mage got a 1 on his summoning spell, and accidentally called forth an army of demons from the freaking underworld. Or there was the time my Rogue failed a roll while trying to set up a trap. Set our party’s campsite on fire instead, and nearly killed Jasper’s poor Cleric.

But I’m pretty damn sure nothing will ever beat this one… The time my Bard fell victim to a fear spell, completely botched his Will save, and ended up puking all over his own freaking guitar.

Worst critical failure of my entire life. And the worst part is, this time it was real.

And no matter how hard I try, I can’t freaking escape it.

That was one of the worst nights of my entire life. I still can’t believe I freaking puked in front of everybody! My family, my friends, Hallie… and stupid Marco with that smug little smile of his. I wish I could’ve punched him or something.

It was awful. I seriously wanted to just DIE, right then and there. As soon as it was all over, I practically ran off the stage and went straight out the door. I didn’t even say a word to anyone. I was such a fucking mess… Maybe even worse of a mess than the one I left on the stage.

I can’t even remember the last time I cried before then. I held it together as much as I could, but the second I got outside, I totally lost it.

My parents ran right after me, of course… But honestly, I didn’t really mind. I needed them.

I don’t think either of them really knew what to say, so Mama and Papa just kinda hugged me for a while. Together. And you know, I think that’s the only time in my entire life that’s ever happened.

Rubi and Dev both hung back with Jasper and Lila, so it was just the three of us. Just me and my parents. And despite how unbelievably shitty the whole thing was, that part was awesome.

Too bad it was under the worst fucking circumstances imaginable. All it did was make me cry even harder.

Everybody just keeps telling me it’s “gonna be okay”. Both sets of parents keep spewing the same BS. They keep telling me I “shouldn’t let it get to me” and that all those dickheads at school are gonna stop someday. “They’ll move on to something else and forget all about it”.

Yeah, when?! It’s been a week, and people still make these stupid fucking gagging noises when I walk by them in the hall. Or grab their foot like they’re in pain or something. What the fuck!

No one even cared about me hurting my foot back when it happened.

But stupid fucking Marco and his stupid newspaper article ruined everything.

I really don’t think Gigi meant to start anything by mentioning the gym… She even came up to me the day the article came out to apologize to me.

But it was too late.

Once Marco found out that was how I hurt my foot, it was all over. Now literally everybody at school sees me as the total freaking loser who’s too uncoordinated to lift a freaking dumbbell without smashing his foot, and too chicken to get up in front of a crowd without blowing chunks everywhere.

And maybe they’re right. Maybe that IS what I am. And that’s all anybody really cares about, I guess.

I really like playing basketball with my Papa and going for runs after school. It’s nice and relaxing and I have a lot of fun with them… but like, I’m not really great at them either. And that’s all anybody else sees. To them, I just suck.

And then there’s the guitar… Like, I’m actually decent at it! Maybe even better than decent… But not one single freaking person is talking about how great the first half of the song was the night of the talent show. All they care about is how spectacularly I fucked everything up at the end.

No matter what I do or how hard I try, it’s just not good enough for anybody. I can’t be myself, I can’t try and be somebody else… it all just gets thrown back in my face no matter what.

It’s been so freaking hard, but I’m trying my best to stay ‘positive’ or whatever. School still sucks total ass, but at least things are better once I get home.

Opi’s been making all my favorites for dinner all week. And Mama and Dev have kept me laughing a lot. And it helps.

But it’s my friends who’ve been helping me take my mind off things more than anybody.

Tam convinced me to finally DM my own campaign… and let the little twerp in on it too. So Wednesday after school, we decided to try out this new game Tam found called Line of the Last. Brutal ancient civilizations with rituals and sacrifices and magic… It’s a pretty awesome world, and really fun to run too.

We had to tone it down a little bit for Lila, but Mama and Dev only let her play with us for like half an hour. And once the little Amazon princess got sent away, things were way more fun.

I think it’s gonna be a regular thing now… Which is so freaking awesome. Especially having Jasper there with us. I barely ever invite him to Mama’s house. It seems like… awkward, I guess? But I know he really wanted to play with us, and Mama and Dev said it was okay.

And man, seeing him and Lila together… Like, getting to hang out with both of them? Well, it’s just about as awesome as that hug after the talent show. It felt so normal. Like a real family.

That’s already been helping… Like, a lot.

And Bryce has been helping too. But, uh, in a typical Bryce way (yeah, I know). Last night, he dragged me to some party with him and Meg. I didn’t even know the guy throwing it… Guess he’s on the football team with Bryce or something.

I totally didn’t wanna go… Like, why the hell would I wanna go hang out with all those dicks from school?! I see them enough already.

But Bryce just kept telling me it was gonna be fine. He said it would help me feel better.

And he was right. After a couple drinks (and maybe a couple shots too?), I guess it did.

I’m not usually into drinking more than like, a beer or two. Or going to those stupid parties… But Bryce was right. Once I was a little tipsy, it was SO much easier to talk to people. Like night and day, seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever drank as much as I did last night. But instead of making things worse, it made everything better.

I was even laughing about what happened at the talent show! And I had a bunch of people around me laughing too. But it didn’t feel like they were laughing AT me for once. They were laughing WITH me. And that felt so freaking good.

I hated having to lie to Papa and Rubi about where I went last night, and having to pretend I wasn’t still a little tipsy when I got back home… But it was totally worth it. Even worth the killer headache I woke up with this morning.

So I guess things are finally getting a LITTLE better, at least. We’ve got D&D later tonight, Jasper’s coming over for LotL again Wednesday, and Bryce already told me about another party next weekend.

I still consider this whole thing like, the worst critical failure of my entire life. But maybe my parents are right…

Maybe this is one I can recover from.