Children's writer Mem Fox made headlines last week as a victim of Donald Trump's tyrannical tightening of the United States borders, having been detained at LAX en route to a conference. Turns out Tony Abbott was right – there is such a thing as a suppository of all wisdom! Presumably it was a random check and customs officials weren't discriminating against her just because she's married to a convicted sex offender. "The treatment of people in that room while I was there, which I observed, made me ashamed," she said.

But if the Possum Magic author feels cheesed by her "terrifying ordeal", spare a thought for Nick Warner, the Director-General of the Australian Secret Intelligence Service. You'd think being the top government spy of a staunch US ally – travelling on a diplomatic passport – would spare you the latex welcome, but no. Not even. Warner got the full treatment last month at LAX arrivals, transferring for meetings in the capital (including, you'd safely assume, at Langley, Virginia). Could you imagine the uproar in Washington if John Brennan or Meroe Park copped a solid frisking at Tullamarine? Yeah right – as if they'd even countenance the indignity of flying commercial!

Hey, we can all sleep soundly knowing that not even one of our most decorated public servants and security officials can accidentally pack his nail scissors as carry-on. But who knew the Five Eyes included the brown eye?

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