Maybe he was feverish, but Marlon Brando wrote an insane (and hilarious) letter to Charlie Sheen to apologize for missing his 1991 birthday party.

In a sloppily handwritten note, Brando offered illness as an excuse -- and made to sure to emphasize all the interesting medication he was taking.

Here's the first paragraph of the letter -- for the rest, click over to LettersOfNote.com:

Dear Charlie, I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powderde East Indian vulva -- maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same.

Maybe he should have kept that 'Godfather' cotton ball in his mouth.