If you were to ask most law enforcement professionals what the biggest problem is in the world today, I am absolutely certain that they would give you the same two answers: knife culture and Satanic cults. It's true, too. I can't tell you how many times I've had my day ruined by the hordes of machete-wielding Devil-worshippers that are stalking our streets in unavoidable millions, and if you're like me you're always looking for tips on how you can help prevent Satan crimes.

Fortunately, as with all things, we can find the answer on VHS. In this case, it's a police training video from 1994 called The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults, and trust me, it is amazing.

The whole video is available on YouTube, but since the worship of the Devil and his unholy legion of crooks are an extremely pressing concern for all of us, I've gone through to find five crucial tips for dealing with Satanic cult crime.

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