DUBLIN—after Ireland made history this weekend by approving same-sex marriage in a popular vote, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R—PA) said that he would “watch vigilantly” for signs that the change was leading to human-canine weddings.

Santorum, who won 11 states and 4 million votes in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries, has famously argued that same-sex marriage would lead to pedophilia and bestiality. “Ireland’s vote makes it imperative that God-fearing Americans monitor the country carefully to determine whether we are in fact seeing men marry children, dogs, horses, motorcycles, and so on,” said Santorum. “We all know this is just the beginning of a slippery slope.”

Santorum said that he had personal experience of the confusion that might result from Ireland’s decision. He explained that after a Pennsylvania court endorsed gay marriage in May 2014, he had almost married his Labrador retriever, Patches, due to “a significant error in paperwork.”

Santorum's advice to men: "If a dog tries to marry you, just pop it on the nose and run away."