ROCHESTER, MN—Stressing the importance of afflicted individuals heeding their symptoms, Mayo Clinic researchers released a study Thursday that found that headaches are the human body’s way of communicating that it wants pills. “Our findings prove conclusively that the body uses headaches as a way of signaling that it is experiencing a significant pill deficit,” said lead researcher Julia Perla, explaining that headache severity has a direct relationship to the quantity of pills the body desires. “Moreover, the phenomenon of recurring migraines is a telltale indicator that one’s brain chemistry is suffering an imbalance of pill chemicals. Should this occur, it’s imperative that you shovel as many handfuls of pills, or in extreme cases even capsules and tablets, into your mouth as possible. While pain pills are best, our data indicates that the specific types of pills is secondary to the fact that they are pills.” Researchers added that individuals who even so much as suspect they are starting to feel a headache coming on should begin taking pills every three to five minutes until symptoms are no longer detectable.

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