Confession of sexual harassment

This is a confession of some egregious things I did last year, including sexual harassment, and some of the serious personality flaws I have that led to it.



First of all, a few things:



1. I am going to keep certain details vague because I do not know if the victim wants to be identified, so I will assume she does not. If she does not want to speak publicly about this then please respect her privacy.



2. To the victim, if you are reading this: below, I am going to talk about multiple things that may make you feel uncomfortable again or that you may want to forget. You may not want to read this. Also, I am sorry for the inevitable talking that this is going to ignite. I hope that after this subsides, you will not have to think about what happened anymore.



Also, I'm sorry.



3. I would NOT like anyone to reply to this with words that support me. I hate seeing replies to certain creepers and harassers on Twitter like "don't worry I got your back". Think of how the victim would feel reading replies like that. If you are concerned about me, I will be fine: I have at least one close friend who knows about this already whom I can talk to and get support from. Right now, I would rather everyone focus on how the victim must feel or have felt after what I did, and how I should be punished for my actions.



4. THE VICTIM DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG! I know what some of you will think. No, they are not to blame AT ALL for what happened. There were no signals, or "leading on", or whatever people want to call it. They told me repeatedly that they did not like me as more than a friend. It is entirely my fault and I absolutely should have known better.



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I have a problem when it comes to women. I am 34 years old now and most of the women who have seen this side of me, saw it before I got into FGs. Most women who know me and who are reading this now have no idea, because I consciously avoided feeling any attraction towards them (besides as normal friends). I do this partly because I do not want women, especially in the FGC, to have to deal with guys being attracted to them any more than they already do. But I also do this because, after getting to know a woman, if I end up with a crush on her and there is any possibility that she might be attracted to me, I get very insecure, emotional, clingy, irrationally angry, etc. and I inevitably say awful things that will upset her and drive her to stop talking to me.



Some friends have seen me get insecure and irrationally angry as well, even IRL. They have some idea of what I'm talking about, though to a lesser extent.



I wish this was all that happened between the victim and I. But I have another problem: even when I know a woman isn't interested in me in this way, I sometimes continue to have these feelings for her, with some naive hope that she will change her mind. I knew this was something I should NOT do, that guys in general should NOT do. I hope everyone reading this understands this: do NOT continue to pursue or have feelings for a person after they reject you. It is harmful to both the other person and to you. Anyway, I failed to take my own advice and I caused problems for the victim for quite a while as a result, becoming angry at them and starting drama for no reason. Again, I wish that was all I did wrong, but it wasn't.



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Anyway, I knew the victim had no interest in me beyond normal friendship. We had talked about this repeatedly and she had told me this repeatedly. I had NO reason to believe otherwise.



I have no excuse for these next parts. I have told only one person about this and I have not told them all the details. I really wanted to hide this. Lack of self control; lack of respect for boundaries; selfishness; lack of empathy; horniness and perversion. I have to face the fact that I was all of these things. I was a monster and I must be judged for it.



*sigh*... While sitting together, I intentionally moved and leaned towards her so that our shoulders or arms were physically touching. I did this repeatedly that day, at one point even sitting next to her so that our legs were touching. If it was incidental or unavoidable, it may have been fine, but I admit I did this intentionally, so it was undoubtedly sexual harassment. Later, I confessed this to her IRL, that I had done these things intentionally. Some other things I said to her at that time were inappropriate at a minimum. After that, online, she would not respond to me. And then... I am too embarrassed to describe what I wrote, but it was also sexual harassment, and even worse than what I had already done.



In addition, there was a previous incident where I intentionally sat down too close to her, resulting in her accidentally touching me. She may have assumed this was accidental or unintentional at the time, but I was fully aware of what I was doing.



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I am sorry to the victim for what I have done, and for the awful thoughts and emotions and feelings of betrayal and disgust that I must have burdened her with. I am sorry to everyone who believed in me, believed me to be a better person than this.



If anyone would like to ban me from FGC events or Discords, I encourage you to. At first, I selfishly chose to conceal all of this. This was wrong. Absolutely no one should go unpunished or get off with a slap on the wrist for sexual harassment in the FGC, especially not things as egregious as what I have done, and especially after I did not admit to it immediately afterwards. This is particularly directed at Canadian FGC events and venues in KW, Toronto, Hamilton, and other nearby cities.



I have asked to be removed as an admin in the MAAB Discord. I will notify the Arcana Heart Discord that I own and ask for someone to take my place as the owner. I will also leave any other FGC Discord, particularly private ones, where I feel I have a position of privilege or authority by being in them. Discords such as the BBTag and other game Discords, various Canadian Discords, and so on may also opt to ban me. (I am considering voluntarily leaving most or all FGC Discords, but right now, I think I will at least stay long enough for mods to find my name so they can easily ban me.)



If anyone would like me to unfollow them and never tweet at them, Like their tweets, speak to them IRL, watch their streams, etc., feel free to let me know and/or block me so that I cannot accidentally tweet at you or appear in your mentions in the future.



I will respectfully avoid the victim and I will not try to contact her or interact with her. If there is anything else I can do to avoid making her feel further discomfort, someone please let me know.



I am sorry for all of the trouble, conflicts, negative emotions, time lost, and so on that will result from all of this.



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Going forward, I guarantee I will never repeat these actions or sexually harass anyone again. (Of course, these are only words.) I will also take my own advice and, in the future, terminate my feelings of attraction towards anyone who tells me they are not interested in me as more than a friend. I may seek therapy for my issues with women, relationships in general, insecurity, anger, and so on, or at least talk to my close friends more often when I feel these ways. I will try not to become angry and lash out at my friends, either, both IRL and on social media.



I will never forget this for the rest of my life.



If there are places in the FGC where people feel comfortable with my presence despite all of this, I will continue to do my best to help others, support others, and be a positive influence on others' lives. But most likely, I think I will move on to other things. Since I cannot undo what I have done, doing positive things for others is all I can do, now.



If people would still like to keep using Burning Meter and seeing it improve despite all of this (or not), let me know in the Burning Meter Discord. I would have to ask for money soon to continue development and I am glad that this info has come to light first: I want people to know they're giving their money to a sexual harasser and not be deceived by me any longer. (People who have already given money may ask for it back.)



In closing, please remember what I wrote in the beginning. Please respect the victim's privacy; do not reply with any support for me (I will be fine); absolutely do not blame the victim: I'm sorry, but I was not as good of a person as you thought I was.



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