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Wed May 31, 2017 | 09:50 AM

Maybe it’s the elevated moods. Maybe it’s the sweltering heat. Or maybe it’s the “give zero fucks” vibe that spreads like wildfire when 25,000 people seek escape from the real world. While I haven’t quite pinned down the reason, I can confidently say there’s something about Lightning in a Bottle that gives us the green light to utter just about anything the human brain can come up with.

As I spent the weekend exploring the depths of this mind-boggling oasis, I witnessed life-altering “epiphanies,” heartwarming expressions of friendship, impressive displays of maturity and – you know – festies being festies. The best part? I wrote it all down. You can thank me later.

Lo and behold...here are some of the most hilariously perfect golden nuggets I overheard at Lightning in a Bottle 2017.

On proper festival nutrition:

“Dude, you have to try some of this brownie.”

“That’s a cantaloupe, man.”

[Dude looks down and is indeed holding a full, unsliced cantaloupe]

On the topic of appropriate festival attire:

“Same pants, same shirt, same shorts, new underwear – and that’s what counts! I am ADULT! Hear me ROAR!” – Guy dressing himself outside of his tent

On a newfound appreciation for the next festival:

Girl: “Wait, they’re having an actual eclipse at Oregon Eclipse? That’s so sick!

Guy 1: “They’re not having an eclipse, there is an eclipse…”

Guy 2: “I hope no one heard you say that.”

An autobiographical vision:

“It’s all part of a slutty, dirty legend that no one understands. And that’s just the subheader.”

On the festival industry as a whole:

35-year-old man in sparkly booty shorts: "Festivals are over."

A life-altering epiphany:

“And I was so content sitting there just taking a shit and I thought to myself: If I can genuinely enjoy my time in this porta-potty, why can’t I also enjoy my job?”

Sunday morning storytime:

(Guy with bubble machine runs around groups of people sitting in chairs)

“Can’t touch this! Bubbbbles! Can’t touch this! Buubbbbbbles. YOU can’t touch this, can’t touch my bubbbbbbles!”

(Sits down in chair, winded)

“You guys, I needed that. Thank you for listening.”

On culinary inspiration:

(Girl runs after her friends at the Lightning Stage)

“Waiiiit! Do you guys wanna make aphrodisiac trufflessss?”

On “going with the flow”:

(girl on watermelon floatie on the shore)

“Shiitttt! How’d we end up over here? Gotta paddle, gotta paddle, no degenerate watermelons allowed.”

A revelation about materialism:

(Walks up to fire pit and throws a $100 bill into the flames)

“Fuck it.”

(Walks back to The Woogie)

A dramatic farewell:

“If I’m not back in 30, call the Secret Service.”

(Walks away from friends)

An identity crisis:

Me: "I’m Maddie."

Guy: "I’m Martin. Wait, no, sorry – I’m Kyle. Sorry, it’s been a day.”