SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Local man Ted Chamblers, who has never once taken a stance on any issue in his entire 53 years of life, announced today that he “totally would have rebelled” against the British Empire had he been alive during the American Revolution.

“Oh, you bet. I’d be the first one to take up arms against tyranny,” said Chamblers, who quietly shrugs his shoulders and leaves the room every time any topic of substance is brought up. “You can be sure I’d kill me a couple redcoats, too.”

Chamblers went on to say that he gladly would have put his life, property, and everything he holds dear at risk to secure America’s freedom, despite the fact that the mere thought of sacrificing even an ounce of his own well-being has never even remotely crossed his mind.

“Yup, I would have been there right at the front lines with General Washington himself. I don’t back down from a fight,” he added while quietly ignoring the multiple occasions during his own lifetime that the United States has been at war. “Wouldn’t have to tell me twice.”