As this semester comes to a close, I reflect on the things that happened during it. Well, not just that. It is December now, which means 2016 is wrapping up pretty quickly. I look back and dwell on all what happened this year; while it may not be the most healthy in the way I do it. It has been an… interesting year/semester, to say the least. Through this blog post I am mainly going to be focussing on the end of Spring semester of 2016 up until now, and see how far I’ve come.

2016 has been a roller coaster when it comes to emotions. One of the biggest things I started doing this year is regularly seeing a consular, and taking medication for my depression. I have had a long battle with this; some days I end up winning, and others the depression takes it. But I’m still kicking, so overall I guess I’m the winner. Nevertheless, it has been difficult. I told my parents about it this year, too. I’ve been struggling with it for almost 5 years now, and I finally came around to telling my parents about it. They have been supportive, but the way it happened wasn’t ideal…

“Aanish, who is this Jared person that is on the insurance bill?”-mom “oh. I was actually going to tell you, I didn’t want you to find out this way, but Jared is my consular.” -me “Consular? What do you need that for?”-mom “Amma… I have depression.”-me “No you don’t, you seem fine to me! What is this nonsense?”-mom

We proceeded to talk about it for a couple hours. I told her how I’ve been dealing with it, how it had consumed me, and how I’ve been struggling with it. Initially my parents were hesitant. But over the course of a couple weeks they became very supportive and decided that they were going to help me through it. That is one thing that has helped it quite a lot.

It reminded me of a time where I got into a minor fender bender, and my dad was out of town for it. I have been in a few accidents before, but thankfully they haven’t been serious. This one was all my fault, and my mother wasn’t too happy about it. She wasn’t the one I was worried about though; my father has a pretty bad temper and I was terrified over what he could say. I delayed telling him as long as I could, but my mom was breathing down my neck, making me do it. Reluctantly I called him to tell him the news; preparing myself for the storm that was about to be unleashed. The phone rang… and rang… and rang… for what seemed like an eternity before finally…

“Yes Aanish beta, how are you? I miss you very much!”

I told him about the accident. I told him it was my fault. I told him I was sorry. And I’m sorry for sounding like a clickbait article, but what he said next surprised me. He said that “its okay; accidents happen. Thank God you weren’t hurt. We will deal with this when I get back. Don’t worry, I’ll help you take care of it. How were you classes today?”

It just goes to show, you never know how a person might react. That is a lesson I learned that day.

After telling my parents about my depression, I realized I could be a lot more open with them about my life. And I talked to them about everything; school, friends, my relationship at the time, everything, and they were there for me. Not only them though, my sisters helped me in any way they could. What was once I decision I was dreading turned out to be one of the best things I did this year.

With their help, as well as my girlfriend’s at the time I was able to make a lot of progress in getting better. But life likes to throw you a curveball right when you think things are going good.

My girlfriend had just moved back to Boise, and I was excited to finally start a real relationship with her. I had counted down the days until she moved back. The night she landed was one of the best nights I had had in a while. I was going to Europe in 10 days, though, so the relationship couldn’t officially get going. But that was in time, and it was going to be an amazing trip, so I enjoyed every moment that we spent together until I left. But out of no where, the day before the flight, she broke up with me.

Going to the UK helped distract me from the break up. Even when I got back, my friends were there to keep my head up. But I never worked on getting over it; I just internalized it. As the fall semester rolled on, those suppressed feelings and thoughts I had creeped back out, and took my for a dive. For a couple months now I’ve been struggling, both with the feelings from the break up and from the exponential amounts of stress in my life. But the thing is, I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this outside my consular. Its been almost five months since the breakup; no one wants to hear about it anymore. I am supposed to have moved on.

But I haven’t.

And I’m getting worse as the days go on.

But unlike past me, I haven’t let this destroy me. I will keep standing, and fighting.

That’s the thing about depression; no matter what you do, life will always find a way to mess with you. Depression is an ugly part of life; a silent killer. No matter what you do, life will make it difficult for you. But that doesn’t make it a losing battle. It’s only a lost battle when you give up. But as long as you keep standing and throwing punches, it’ll never win. Its up to you to make the choice; succumb and give up, or stand and fight.

The choice is yours.

Remember: you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to people, ask for help. The more people you have fighting, the better your chances are of winning.

So go win.