Trent Copeland Plotting Test Return Through Shit-Talking Rival Bowlers On Giant TV Screen

Chuckling darkly to himself, Channel 7 commentator Trent Copeland put the finishing touches on a visualisation of Jhye Richardson’s lengths against Sri Lanka. With a subtle flick of the wrist, the former Test quick slid the “Good Length” zone first up the wicket, then down.

“Will you be too full, or too short, Jhye?” he mused out loud, before spinning around in his chair and stroking a Persian cat behind an imposing mahogany desk, both supplied by the broadcaster as part of what one insider told kricket.com.au to be “unusual, but strongly insisted” conditions of his contract.

Inspired by Peter Siddle’s return to international duties, Copeland has recently regained hope of again donning the Baggy Green, last worn in 2011.

He plans to achieve this by using his new position as chief analyst to end the careers of every pace bowler with a first-class average below 30.

“Here’s a look at Mitchell Starc’s performance before and after the sandpaper incident, and I think we can draw some interesting conclusions about big Mitch’s ability to generate swing unaided...” begins another segment Copeland plans to air during an upcoming web special.

Other angles in the mix include Chris Tremain’s lack of Test Match experience, and how awkward Josh Hazlewood looks in a suit, featuring an extended head-to-head comparison with Copeland’s own sartorial elegance.

“I’ve still got a lot to give Australian cricket,” Copeland told kricket.com.au. “Unlike Jackson Bird, who hasn’t been able to bowl to left-handers in recent seasons, as we can see from this heatmap, and by looking at his wrist position at the point of release,” he continued, gesticulating angrily at the screen...