Last night, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels delivered the GOP response to the State of the Union Address and firmly accused President Obama of rhetoric that “divides” the nation when the President makes such radical calls as asking millionaires to pay at least the same tax rate as bus drivers. At its core, the accusation speaks to the fundamental belief system of those who ascribe in the conservative movement, and it reminded me of another plea from someone making an equally scientific argument and I decided to respond as an homage to that.

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 62 years old. Some of my friends say that there is not a broad-based liberal effort to “divide America” and that the Democrats aren’t out to punish success. Papa Reagan says (he didn’t actually say this, but for the sake of a speech I will attribute it to him anyway), ‘If you see it on Fox News, it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; is there “Claus Warfare?” INDIANA “MITCH” DANIELS. 4750 N Meridian, Indianapolis, Indiana.“

INDIANA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age, probably caused by the “lamestream media.” They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their reliance on reality. Your friends’ minds, INDIANA, whether they be men’s, women’s, or children’s, are little – because they are probably poor.

Yes, INDIANA, there is Claus Warfare! It exists as certainly as intelligent design and the War on Christmas and Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Claus Warfare. It would be as dreary as if there were no INDIANAS. There would be no childlike faith in Rush Limbuagh then, no poetry of Toby Keith lyrics, no romance with the concept of the Welfare Queen to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in facts and logic.

Not believe in Claus Warfare! You might as well not believe that Obamacare bankrupting the country! You might get your Patriot Act to set up surveillance to catch Claus Warfare, but even if those cameras did not see Claus Warfare, what would that prove? Nobody sees Claus Warfare, but that is no sign that there is no Claus Warfare. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor adults can see. Did you ever see Iraq’s WMDs? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they were not there.

Is it all real? Ah, INDIANA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Claus Warfare! Thank God! it lives, and it lives forever. A thousand years from now, Indiana, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, it will continue to make glad the heart of conservatives needing to justify policies that give a free pass to wealthy donors so they can move jobs overseas.