One of those golden sponge cakes landed up the barrel of The Chairman's gun! Do you have any idea how much grease you need to have on the surface of an object to slide it into a hole 1/8th its size from 10 yards away? I do, ladies. You should really see some of these X-rays.

Simon Taylor!

Imagine you wanted to sell fruit pies to children. You hire a writer to come up with an exciting advertisement starring Captain America and he hands you this -- a nightmarish story scripted entirely in puns about a sweatshop owner whose dress patterns are actual screaming human women. Would you ask him to write you a new one? Of course not, because you're in six garbage bags. That guy was a murderer, you idiot. Did he have to come right out and hiss it in your ear while sharpening a knife?

My favorite part of the ad is not where the woman dies in agony as everything she is becomes a dress pattern. It's when Captain America bursts in and Simon's defense is, "OK, busted. I'm up to illegal stuff, but you're probably busy!" Then, instead of rewriting Captain America's genetic code into shrieking paper like he can do, he lassos him with easily breakable measuring tape and steals lunch from one of his workers. Captain America probably runs into this problem all the time at work where he ends up fighting people that are way too awesome to arrest.