NORFOLK, VA—In an unexpected change of course that sent shockwaves across the animal-rights-activist community, a sudden sexual awakening experienced by PETA president Ingrid Newkirk led to her announcement Monday that being kept in a tiny cage all day “actually sounds hot as hell.” “This is obviously a new perspective for me, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I confess that seeing animals crowded into tiny cages makes me feel envious, as well as a little, let’s say, worked up,” said Newkirk, who nervously rubbed at her at her neckline during the press conference while admitting that, after years of protesting fur products, she secretly wished someone would splash blood on her. “I know this might seem at odds with PETA’s traditional message, but I now feel a deep satisfaction that I’ve never before experienced. Just yesterday, I saw some pictures of pigs being prodded to slaughter and, while that’s terrible and all, they really got me going. I wish I was the one being whipped into submission, inspected, stamped, hung by my feet from a hook in a 40-degree room, and hosed down with hot water while I squeal as my bristles are scalded off. Honestly, don’t be cruel to animals, but by all means, put a leash on me and make me beg.” In a more recent video, a shuddering, moaning Newkirk announced a new line of PETA-branded human kennels.

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