I’ve worked as a personal trainer at the local fitness club for the past three years now, and attended the same club for almost five. In my time there, I’ve come across a vast array of people from all walks of life; some of them shining, affable individuals who have shaped my experience for the better; and then…from the other end of the spectrum — these horrible, repugnant bastards:

8. Person that ironically wears far too little clothing

This is an aging bar whore or a steroid abuser whose prime has long since passed; perhaps by a decade or two, if we’re being lenient. Shhh, they don’t know that. Or perhaps they do, but for some inscrutable reason, they just aren’t ready to let go yet. So don’t say anything to them… or the uneven globs of cellulite and acne-ridden lumps protruding from their gym attire embezzled directly from Baby Gap.

WHY THIS SUCKS:

Because going blind is not fun.

7. The Perpetual Imperfection

WHO?

These poor beings usually fall into one of two subcategories. On the one hand, you have the man or woman that is above the standards of what is considered healthy in areas such as body fat percentage, weight, or desired muscularity for their age group, yet for some inexplicable reason, it’s just never enough. In their mind they need to be “skinnier, bigger, or (insert desired trait here).” In severe cases, this is known as Body dysmorphic disorder, and while it’s not really a laughing matter to rip on people that suffer from a psychiatric disorder (or is it?), it’s more prevalent than you think, and worth mentioning in an elucidating sense.

On the other hand, you have someone that could be accurately classified as a liar, an ignorant sap, or a poor misguided bastard that chronically brings about self-inflicted failure. They may workout adamantly in the gym for hours at a time, but usually subject themselves to a major flaw that inhibits themselves to the point of inconclusive results every time. It’s just like an ancient Greek tragedy, only with Twinkies in place of incest and eye mutilation!

WHY THIS SUCKS:

It’s great to set goals, or to aspire to build a physique that lives up to its fullest potential; however, these goals have to be well-defined and realistic. Unless you’re shoving needles into the cusp of your ass, or ingesting pills that are made to stimulate horses, results aren’t going to come overnight. Overall, it should be about your health and well being, not looking like a human anatomy chart or running twenty miles a day on a diet consisting of a crouton and two fronds of lettuce. Remember kids, if you tore your bicep from overworking it, or your shins have burst through the skin from excessive running, then a day or two off once in a while isn’t going to kill you. And ladies, I will still bang you even if you can’t cut off the flow of blood to my cock with your adductors.

Another thing that helps is what I like to call “not being a complete and utter dumb-ass.” Point in case: The overweight guy who spends four hours at the gym, partaking in every cardio, spin, and swimming class that is offered to him with the gusto of a pedophile at a playground. Let’s call him Ron.

After accomplishing such impressive feats of human tenacity and endurance, Ron goes home and proceeds to devour four pounds of cupcakes and a small child and then comes back wondering “Why he just can’t seem to shed any weight.” If you’re making the effort to discipline yourself in the gym, why not instill this in your diet as well? Devouring every Hostess or Little Debby snack item in sight may not be the best approach.

6. The Disgruntled Grunter

No true list of loathsome individuals at the gym would be complete without this pitiful clown. It doesn’t matter if he’s lifting five pound dumbbells over his head, or doing tricep kickbacks for eight hundred – this guy or chick has been created in life with only one fundamental purpose etched into their brain: and that’s to grunt like a bloated, constipated mule while at the gym!

WHY THIS SUCKS:

Sure, I’m all for getting into the zone during your workouts. And sure, I’ve been known to exert a bit of audible breathing during a bout of intense muscular contraction. But does the whole damn gym really need to hear the blubbering wails of someone who sounds like they just busted a nut on a Kodiak bear’s face? These banshee shrieks are usually accompanied by the weights being slammed onto the floor in an attempt to bring even more attention to their endeavors.

“RARRGHHHHH! THIS HEAVY WEIGHT I JUST LIFTED IS SO…HEAVY!”

“Yes, we hear you loud and clear, douchebag. And we still want to stab you with an ice pick through your heart.”

5. The Camper

WHO?

“I know there are other people here that could really make expedient and advantageous use of this machine or exercise bench, but I think I’ll just pitch a tent, spread a picnic blanket, and sit here like an inebriated sloth on disability!”

WHY THIS SUCKS:

They’re only there when you need to get something done, leisurely loafing around like the gigantic bags of s--t that they are. Extra points if they decided to whip out their cell phone while they’re “working out”, or if they stare at you like you just spit in their baby’s face when you ask them how much longer they’ll be there – on the very same machine they’ve been on for the past 45 minutes.

4. Guy Know-it-All

WHO?

You could be Mr. Olympia or even have written several books on kinesiology. None of that matters! Because this person just expediently skimmed over the latest article in Men’s Diary Issue #69, and you’re totally doing it wrong!

WHY THIS SUCKS:

“Yo dawg, ever tried that exercise while juggling two medicine balls and clenching your left ass cheek at a hypotenuse angle?”

“No, but I’d sure like to finish a f-----g repetition without hearing your grating, harpy-like voice!”

3. Chick Who Enjoys Being Stared At

What a sweetheart! She had the “philanthropic” and “practical” intentions to squeeze into a pair of spandex pants so tight, that I can see the cleft of her glutes with each step she takes on the treadmill! That, and every individual nook, cranny, and pore of her taint.

Oh wait, here’s another classy vixen, wearing lycra shorts the size of a baby’s bib and stretching with her ass six inches away from my face on the bench press! Bless her innocuous little soul!

WHY THIS SUCKS:

This can be a catch twenty two. Either you are so mesmerized that the sight of her pulls you in like a modern day siren’s song, and then BOOM, you have fallen off the treadmill in a gangly pile of limbs and other extremities; or you’re a shy guy and you can’t even use your favorite exercise machine because she’s perched upon one in the same vicinity like some jungle lioness in heat. So what’s the good part? It may actually motivate you to work out more often, if only for a glimpse of her sweet, sweet can. This also makes you a sad, lonely little man that doesn’t deserve the touch of a woman.

The best, and perhaps most deliciously paradoxical part of her dressing so scantily is that ninety nine percent of the people like you that attempt to talk to her while she’s performing squat thrusts like a nubile whore will be brushed away like insignificant granules of dirt and doo-doo. I’m sorry sweety, you don’t want to get hit on, you just want to be the hottest chick in the gym! My mistake!

2. The Watcher

“Every breath you take, every move you make. I’ll be watching you.”

You’ve just about finished your final repetition after a solid chest workout, and you find that the Watcher is still lurking there in the corner, pretending to do bicep curls. Your eyes abhorrently move to his position, but he looks away and pretends that he’s engaged in something other than intently watching perspiration glean off your body. As soon as you look away, he’s on you again, watching. Waiting…

WHY THIS SUCKS:

Unless you’re a fifteen-year-old girl with no friends, enjoy being the target of pedophilia, or are Lindsay Lohan, this is unnerving as f--k, and we damn well know it’s not simply because he’s “making sure you’re using correct form.” This has actually affected me on a personal basis, and I sobbed openly like a sniveling child while typing this paragraph. Remind me to tell the story in a future article on day.

1. Pervasive Naked Old Guy in the Locker Room

This guy seems to exist for no other reason than to materialize whenever you’re done with your workout and heading into the locker room; it doesn’t matter what you’re doing; taking a piss, changing quietly from your workout attire, or simply tying an errant shoelace. There he’ll be: that slovenly, hairy old dude. And oh yeah, he’s not wearing any clothes.

WHY THIS SUCKS

Sure, that’s what the locker room is there for. There are lockers (!), showers, toiletries, sometimes even saunas and steam rooms. But those are merely there for decoration when this guy’s on the prowl. Instead of going from one hygienic task to the next in a time-efficient, conventional manner that ninety nine percent of the normal population engages in, this guy is seen languidly lounging around the locker room benches like some ancient Roman dinner banquet attendee, the white towel draped loosely around his waist serving as the metaphorical toga.

The aforementioned could merely be relegated to irritating behavior, but no. Oh dear God, no. Things go terribly awry and fast. Naked old guy usually finds it pertinent to sweep one leg up on the bench for unknown reasons: like a blasphemous Captain Morgan, fully displaying his floppy, drooping balls. He’s just standing there, trying to uphold a conversation or humming annoyingly to himself, while his dank junk is dangling and swinging plainly for all to see like they’re the oscillating pendulum of a perverse grandfather clock. To add insult to eye-raping injury, Old Man Dangly is usually attempting (unsuccessfully) to apply a coat of Gold Bond medicated powder to his loins, hilariously and nauseatingly missing the mark by a long shot, and instead littering the floor and other people’s gym bags in a chalky white blanket analogous to some deviant Christmas morning.

“Sure is nice weather we’re having isn’t it? Oops, excuse me, I seem to have missed a spot.”

“The forecast from my end says I’m going to stuff you and your old balls into a locker if you don’t hurry the hell up!”