Have you not seen this movie? Have you been living under a rock?? CAN YOU EVEN ANSWER FROM UNDER YOUR NAIVETY BOULDER? Don’t let nature keep you down, man.

This movie. It has ninjas. And gangs that know like jujitsu. Those are both Japanese. But this is Little China so that doesn’t even make sense, get with it.

It also has:

a big-ass semi

a hottie Asian chick with green eyes

Raiden

a beholder

motherfucking Kurt Russell

Truck driver Jack Burton (Russell) and diminutive Asian man Wang (heh), go to the airport to pick up Wang’s super hot girlfriend but she’s kidnapped by an 80s Asian street gang. Then she’s kidnapped by the leader of the 80s Asian street gang, Lo Pan, because she has green eyes and that fulfills a prophecy so that he can be a real boy and not a ghost.

This already sounds fucking awesome so I don’t need to continue. But I will.



Kurt Russell oozes machismo. Like Paula Deen oozes butter. EWWW what’s wrong with you. Anyway some of his quotes include:

“I’m a reasonable guy. But, I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.”

“Just remember what ol’ Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol’ storm right square in the eye and he says, “Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.”

“Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.”

“Everybody relax, I’m here.”

Kim Cattrall is the lawyer trying to free all the girls kidnapped by the 80s Asian street gang so she helps out by getting herself kidnapped too because she also has green eyes and why not.

She’s the chick from Mannequin. You remember Mannequin, right? If you say Sex and the City WE ARE DONE HERE.

Now I know what you’re thinking. How? My massive brain powers. You’re thinking this sounds like the best fucking movie in the history of cinema. Well you’re right so congratulations Mr. Fancy Pants but wait, there’s more.

This guy is the villain. He needs a green eyed girl to complete the 2000 year old prophecy that will allow him to be a normal guy and not some old ghost. In 2000 years he couldn’t find one? How many girls do you know, Romeo? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

He’s going to sacrifice Kim Cattrall and keep hot Asian girl.

And here’s his henchmen.

These badass mofos are the Three Storms. Thunder, Lightning and Rain.

Lightning is Raiden before Mortal Kombat. No seriously. Look at this guy. Just look at him.

Thunder’s special ability is blowing right the fuck up and how the fuck do you even top that?

YOU DON’T.

Rain is doing jazz hands.

Way to go, asshole.

So in conclusion, if you want to have your world rocked then you’ve come to the right fucking movie. There’s some sweet kung-fu, some magic-fu, Kurt Russell-fu and the finale is in an ancient Chinese place that looks like a goddamn mall with motherfucking neon lighting. Fuck you, the 80s were awesome.

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