

“I will ask you one more time, Mr. Prime Minister,” Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer said, rising soberly in the House of Commons last week to address the question closest to nearly four Canadian’s hearts. “Did you, or did you not, wake at 3:45 AM to go to the bathroom, and at that point turned on three lights for a period of two minutes and drank a glass of water, all at an estimated cost to taxpayers of $27,000, adjusted for inflation, and compounding forward into the year 2118? Answer. The. Question. Please. Sir.”

As Canada begins its most dangerous peacekeeping mission in decades, while wrestling with the difficult reality that its largest trading partner elected a couch-shouter, and continuing its attempts to shift from being a resource-based economy to a not that, Andrew Scheer has been unrelenting in his pursuit of the little picture.

“The Prime Minister claims to be turning in most nights around 11:30 PM, and then rising between 6:00 and 7:00 the following morning,” Mr. Scheer said in a press conference yesterday, which he also used as an opportunity to remind Canadians that he darns his own socks.

“What my party, and at least seven out of 36 million Canadians, want to know is: what does he dream about? Is it he fiscally responsible in those dreams? Does he make sound decisions while slumbering? Is it time well spent? Clearly as taxpayers we deserve to know.”

The new line of questioning from the opposition comes directly on the heels of the blockbuster revelations that the Canadian government spends market rates to maintain its properties, including the house Scheer himself lives in; and the Prime Minister taking Monday off – along with the entire province of Quebec.

For his part, Trudeau – clearly on the ropes following the attacks – was forced to resort to using such anachronisms as facts, and being a person.

“Yes. I sleep. I average between six and seven hours a night, and utilize the snooze button precisely twice before rising each day. Sometimes I snore, especially if I’ve had more than one glass of wine, and about once a month I wake at precisely 3:42 AM, with no explanation, and am unable to get back to sleep. That is when I shop for swing sets. It’s a passion of mine.”

Reached for comment on the Prime Minister’s statement, Scheer remained unimpressed, saying he only sleeps four hours, snoozes once, drinks Labatts, and makes his own swing sets from reclaimed wood.