WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret, and a single shooting star, then stir counterclockwise for two shakes of a lamb’s tail and we’re almost there,” said Trump, clapping his hands with glee as he began pedaling a bicycle connected to a bellows in order to fan the flame below the vials. “Add sugar, spice, and everything nice. Don’t forget the amnesia powder! Then it’s simply a matter of sprinkling dewdrops and moonbeams to taste, drizzling with a healthy dose of dream reduction, and voila! My splendiferous, fantabulous amalgamation will be complete!” At press time, the president was reportedly coughing up black smoke after accidentally blowing up the White House.



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