Whisky cocktails are things that everyone knows they should like, so they pretend to in order not to be ostracised from this distinctly closed loop industry by their peers. With that in mind, Whiskysponge reached out to a number of leading industry movers and shakers to find out what their favourite ‘serves’ are…

Ian Logan – the ‘Hauf n’ Trough’

The world renowned Glenlivet brand ambassador’s signature whisky serve is the ‘Hauf n’ Trough’. In his own words: “Just take a regular pint of Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve – the kind you would ordinarily have with elevenses or as a wee pick me up on the tube – and simply garnish it with a shot of McEwan’s 80 Shilling on the side. It just adds something extra I think. Creative and fun: what whisky is all about!”

Colin Hampden-Roar – the ‘Nebuchad-Jezzer’

Sir Lord Baron Colin Hampden-Roar CBE, RtHon, Amazon, KCB, DSO, OM, Scat, CH, KCIE is well known for his enjoyment of most alcohols thrust into his outstretched hands. However, his favourite is the ‘Nebuchad-Jezzer’: “What I love about this cocktail is the simplicity really, just take an ordinary Nebuchadnezzar of everyday quaffing claret – usually I opt for a Latour 1870, or a Mouton 1928 – but whatever First Growth you have to hand should suffice. The trick is to then securely harness it to the back of the Islington North MP Jeremy Corbyn and cajole him forwards with a lure of some sort – I tend to use a signed copy of Freidrich Engles The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State, but a large marrow would do. The trick is to be in the correct position to catch big sloppy gobfulls of lovely mature claret each time Jeremy lurches forward with this coveting little Trotskyite mits! I discovered the recipe totally by accident when Lora Drammy once disappeared to a yeast rave and I had no one to tumble dry my brandy snifters.”

Andrew Symington – the ‘Tourist Trap’

The no nonsense director of Signatory and Edradour distillery explained his favourite whisky cocktail in typically forthright fashion: “Just take one large ocean and simply add a coach load of fucking skin flint time wasting bastards! Then crack open a nice bottle of Portuguese red and see how many puncheons you can jump in the car park with your new fork lift.”

Professor Jill Bumsden – the ‘Wood Policy’

Professor Jill said: “Did you say ‘cock’tail…?”

Blair Bowman – The ‘Freebie’

Blair describes this effortlessly changeable cocktail thusly: “I’m very fortunate to most enjoy whichever brand happens to be sponsoring me to help Auntie Nicola intoxicate visiting Chinese dignitaries on any given weekday.”

Allwind Kilt – ‘The Balmany’

Allwind is a the well liked and knowledgeable whisky specialist at William Grant & Sons. About her favourite whisky cocktail she says: “The Balmany is just like the Balvenie – in fact it’s 100% Balvenie – except you just keep drinking them one after the other until your tastebuds are numb enough to drink Monkey Shoulder.”

Mark Reynier – the ‘Twitterroir’

The aloof maverick behind Bruichladdich and Waterford describes his favourite cocktail thusly: “I eat fistfuls of Irish soil and plunge them down with a length of Grenada sugar cane, then I Tweet passively until my thumbs hurt and I can feel gravel forming in my lower intestine. It’s a cocktail because there’s often worms.”

Sukhinder Singh – the ‘Planning Approval’

The elusive director of the Whisky Exchange is a well known cocktail enthusiast. However, his favourite is a cocktail he expects to mix only once… “I’ve been fantasising about this recipe for quite some time now, but in essence you take one Argyll & Bute council Planning Committee and simply blend them together slowly. This is the part of the ‘serve’ I haven’t fully decided on yet. But it will probably involve a certain amount of sulphuric acid, bespoke blunted combine harvester blades, maybe a few great white sharks and possibly the music of Justin Bieber above a certain volume. Or quite possibly a subtle fusion of all of the above. Anyway, the idea is that you then drink a bottle of Port Ellen 12yo James MacArthur dark sherry while dancing naked, bathed in the resulting splatter and watching their mortal remnants being catapulted into the Corryvrechan whirlpool. But, like I say, it needs work.”

Mark Thomson – ‘The Teabagger’

The world renowned brand ambassador for Glenfiddich and professional tweed inhabiter has spent years perfecting his favourite whisky cocktail, but the exact ingredients and method remain a closely guarded secret. He says: “It’s taken me a long time, and many thousands of splintery bung holes to get the technique right but I’m very proud of my creation. The only thing I’ll say is the trick is to use a wide rimmed glass.”

#DrNickMorgan – the ‘everything is totally fine Martini’

The well-known historian of selective realities absolutely adores this subtle and skilfully made whisky Martini but feels precisely zero need to tell us anything about it. Preferring instead to quietly sip it while getting into his zen space on Twitter engaging in troll warfare with opposition factions within the Labour party.

Jim Sweep – the ‘Smokey Blokey’

Legendary failed music journalist and erstwhile Pina Colada enthusiast Jim Sweep has recently developed a new take on his classic ruining of Lagavulin 16 year old: “Lagavulin and coke? Soooooo 2017! The Smokey Blokey is where it’s at for me. I go to a working man’s pub and drink Whyte & MacKay and passive aggressively discuss Leonard Cohen lyrics until I get into a fight. It’s a highly vivid experience and I feel it makes my writing more authentic. Although, my wife calls it ‘The Amber Shite’, based on what usually happens the next morning.”

Willy Bishop – the ‘Beer’

Willy Bishop is the wholly sentient stranded colony ship of an ancient civilisation that once dwelled in the energy pathways that run between universes, but went extinct during an inter-dimensional skirmish with a cloud of sub-space Hyper Snails that feed on the anguish of living beings. Willy works at The Whisky Exchange. Of his favourite whisky cocktail he says: “My preferred cocktail is a mixture of extracted malted barley sugar in liquid form, yeast and various types of a plant called hops. I like it very much and if I put enough of it in my face I get to have fizzy sleep. It is a whisky cocktail because enough time never elapses between me consuming beer and whisky that both substances are not continually present within me in detectable quantity. I do not have a keg of beer under my desk at work. DO NOT LOOK UNDER MY DESK AT WORK!”

Ryan Lyanthewitchandthewardrobe – Water

The world’s most respected cocktail person says: “I’ve hated cocktails for decades but I’m in too deep, it’s too late to go back!”