“Grace” (real name withheld) was interviewed for a story for Babe.net, published Saturday, January 13th

The #MeToo movement, initiated after revelations about Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein’s misconduct toward women in the industry, has proved to be a buoyant and effective campaign — leading one of the largest shifts to the national zeitgeist in recent history. For every story that emerged after Weinstein’s, there was a seemingly step-forward motion toward Justice. No matter liberal or conservative, male or female, upper-class or lower-class, the sentiment was the same: We, the public, find sexual assault and harassment disgusting, and it needs to stop now. Yet, this social movement — like many others in this country — has begun souring.

Last Saturday, Babe.net published an “exclusive” with a woman who claimed she was sexually assaulted by Aziz Ansari, an actor and comedian known for his self-proclaimed progressivism and support of the women’s movement. On its face, it seems like another unfortunate yet justified career-ending accusation. However, upon further examination of the claims levied and the circumstances surrounding them, it is clear that not only was what occurred absolutely not sexual assault, but the incident could have been wholly avoided if the individual described as “Grace” would have acted inline with feminist ideals of strength, assertion and individuality.

As Grace’s account of the incident goes, it began with her pursuing Aziz several times before he finally agreed to take her phone number. The night they went out, she claims that he rushed through the dinner and wine, then asked her back to his apartment. She agreed, and thus was her first error. A man inviting his date back to his residence after a dinner date is a non-verbal cue that he is interested in sex. Does it guarantee it? Of course not — but no adult woman would think that the man intends to sit on the couch, maintain a safe distance, and watch TV.

The account continues: Grace was sitting on his kitchen counter, and without providing additional detail in the original report, she voluntarily removed her clothing and accepted oral sex from Aziz. No claim was made in her account that this part of the evening was non-consensual. Clearly, this is not what sexual assault looks like. Further, a woman removing her clothing and receiving oral sex without protest is a non-verbal cue that she might interested in more. It wasn’t until Aziz and Grace were back on the couch and Aziz was moving her hand towards his penis that Grace claims the assault occurred.

This is the crucial moment that deserves all the attention and examination. Did she say “no?” — by her account, she simply requested that they “chill out” and “slow down.” Again, a fair request of a partner, though certainly not something that suggests a sexual assault has occurred. After Aziz persisted several times and attempted to move her hand toward his penis, she finally agreed and performed oral sex on him.

The question here is simple: Did Aziz’s persistence about receiving oral sex, and her eventual indulgence of that request, lead to what can be labeled as sexual assault? The answer is simply “no.” While it may be rude to be persistent, persistence is not within itself illegal nor even immoral. In fact, when she finally did make it clear that she did not want to stay in his apartment, he did not protest and called her a taxi. This, to all reasonable observers, is conclusively not sexual assault, and is at worst a rude and overly-persistent date.

What could Grace have done differently? Grace claims that while she did not explicitly say “no,” nor choose to simply leave the apartment, she was giving off non-verbal cues that should have been interpreted by Aziz. This, by any reasonable assessment, is a weak argument and can only lead to criticisms of Grace’s ability to communicate clearly and effectively. As she is an adult and has the agency to speak and move, she could have either clearly said “I don’t want to go any further” or simply left his apartment. Due to her poor communication skills in that moment, she put herself in a position that led to her becoming uncomfortable and feeling that she was assaulted.

Her claim that she was giving off “non-verbal cues” that she was uninterested also begs the question: What type of non-verbal cues are going to a date’s apartment after a date? Freely receiving oral sex? Performing oral sex on Aziz, albeit after several requests to do so? — These are all non-verbal cues she was giving off that she was interested in a sexual relationship, and any regret she may have following the incident are her own to bare.

It is also important to note the events that occurred following the incident. First, she needed to be “convinced by her friends” that what happened to her was sexual assault — i.e. she did not initially feel that it was sexual assault, but needed her friend group to convince her of that. If sexual assault is, as many claim, about “how it makes someone feel” — then shouldn’t her friends be to blame for the sexual assault, because they are the reason she started perceiving it as such? To claim otherwise is logically inconsistent. More importantly, if Grace did not at the time feel like it was sexual assault until later convinced of it by her friends, how could she reasonably expect Aziz to have interpreted it as such?

Further, Babe.net claims they got the “exclusive” to this story, strongly suggesting that Grace was “shopping around” to sell this story. It is not unimaginable that, with all the revelations about sexual assault in Hollywood, some women who experienced perfectly consensual sexual relationships with celebrities would start re-framing their perception of the events to fit this narrative.

The question in the minds of most men is: What are we supposed to do? It seems like a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation, wherein there is no way for one to know with certainty how the other feels, unless that other individual clearly and effectively communicates it. Does consensual sex require stopping every few seconds and “checking in?” Is it better to let the woman lead the pace? For most women growing up in the 80s and 90s, feminism was about being strong and asserting your individuality; telling the men around you what is and is not appropriate. In the case of Grace, her failure to do that led to what she is now perceiving as sexual assault, and she is wholly responsible for it. A central question is this: Why is it the man’s responsibility to tease out whether or not you are actually interested in sex? Why should it not equally be the woman’s responsibility to communicate that?

Feminism has devolved from teaching women to be strong, independent and assertive, into teaching women that they are victims. It is not unreasonable nor surprising, then, that this perceived victimhood becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, if only as a perception. The #MeToo message started strong — a message the entire country could get behind — but has now become one in which frivolous accusations and baseless character attacks are used as its method of assertion. By publishing stories such as Grace’s, Babe is hurting the cause by creating fodder for anti-feminist movements to foster their base and grow their followers. If modern-day feminism wants to succeed, it needs men on its side, and that will never happen with stories like these.