In 2016, there were 240,131 convert baptisms in the Mormon Church. At year end, an army of 70,946 full-time missionaries fanned the globe. Pretty impressive statics for my church. The Lord’s work continues to roll forth.

Of particular note, a new discussion has been added to the lessons which are taught investigators before baptism. Below are the bullet points guiding our 18 year old missionaries. They are more than qaulified to teach them, having been schooled for 6 years in very private meetings with their bishops. As children, they often were the targets of personal questioning by older male church leaders. Now, their mission presidents will reinforce these intimate probings at every private chance he gets.

So, our missionary kids are totally ready to present these important points of the Mormon religion.

Inform the investigator that mastubation is a sin next to adultery in gravity.

If they masturbate, they can continue to do so until, and even after baptism.

Mastubation will not be covered in their baptismal interview.

After baptism, their 12 year old children will be asked about masturbation. This will occur behind closed doors, alone, with an older man. The parents will not be notified when the interviews take place. As a courtesy, you are letting them know before they get baptized that this will happen to their children. These interviews may only occur once or twice a year. However, if their child admits to masturbation, then these interviews could take place as frequently as 52 times a year.

For adult men, questions about masturbation won’t be posed until it’s time to receive the priesthood.

For adult women, questions about masturbation won’t be posed until it’s time to go to the temple.

I am super excited that the church has decided to be so forthright. No longer will our converts be in the dark. They will know full well what is in store for their children behind closed doors. And just think…it will be our young missionaries who deliver this supernal message!

Here’s to hoping for way more than 240,131 converts for 2017!!!

P.S. I suck at satire. So, I better just say….this IS parody.