Image: Frey

Imagine my plight: I, a full-grown American male, would like nothing better than to do my own laundry. But where is the detergent for me? Everywhere, the scents are flowery meadow this, springtime seabreeze that. Finally, a new contender emerges—FREY enters the fray—and I am liberated at last.

While reading Drug Store News, my trustiest source for drug store news, I noticed a report today on the launch of FREY: Detergent for Men. Instead of the usual sissy smells, I learned, FREY offers “an unmistakably masculine oak and musk scent,” designed for “gentlemen who appreciate quality products designed specifically for their dynamic yet domestic-conscious lifestyles.”

Every Sunday, my girlfriend says to me, “Can you please help with the laundry.” Every Sunday, I reply, “I am a gentleman who appreciates quality products designed specifically for my dynamic yet domestic-conscious lifestyle. I am a modern man, conscious of all the major social issues, and I would jump at the chance to assist with this domestic task, which for generations has unfairly burdened the fairer sex. But I haven’t yet found a detergent that speaks to my distinctly masculine sensibility, and therefore I cannot. Sorry, babe.”

I am particularly excited for the inclusion of musk—a pheromone excreted by male musk deers—in FREY’s scent portfolio. In the popular imagination, musk is the scent of unfettered animal manhood. It is the scent, if I may, of pure hot sex. For some reason, my girlfriend hasn’t been giving me much of that lately, and I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s the feminine smell of my laundry detergent. I hope FREY helps.