Heroic Climate Scientist Saves Ice-Trapped Whales With Statistics - [Cuffy Meigs]

The sea was angry that day.

Lulled into a false sense of safety by global warming alarmists, over 200 narwhal whales were smugly lounging in the Jacuzzi-like waters of the remote Canadian Arctic. Vanquished by the carbon habits of man, the Arctic ice made an unfortunately ill-timed return:

"A couple of weeks ago, when the ice was still moving, there were quite a few narwhal seen out there in the open water," Jayko Allooloo, chairman of the Pond Inlet hunters and trappers organisation, told public broadcaster CBC. "About a week later, they're stuck." Community elders and officials feared the whales would die from a lack of oxygen as the ice grew thicker around them, Pelley explained.

As the narwhals gasped for oxygen like Vilos Cohaagen's goldfish, NASA's Dr. James E. Hansen swooped in with a new spreadsheet on Arctic ice thickness. Copy-pasting cell E13 to E12, Hansen replaced the current month's ice thickness with last month's --- and the narwhals swam to safety!

Or not:

But department spokesman Keith Pelley said: "It's unlikely the animals are going to survive the winter, so the hunters have been given authorisation to cull them." The hunters have been on the ice slaughtering the whales since Thursday and are likely to accomplish their task over the coming days, he said.

Hansen was last seen frantically editing a zooligical classification spreadsheet, changing the narwhals' genus and species from"Monodon monoceros" to "Yersinia pestis infected Rattus norvegicus"...