EDMONTON, CANADA—Responding to criticism of the Trans Mountain oil pipeline during a visit to Alberta, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Thursday that pumping nearly a million barrels of oil a day through indigenous lands would be a ritual of deep spiritual significance to his people. “These pipes are a sacred tradition handed down by my ancestors, a reminder of our connection to the land and the riches it can provide,” said Trudeau, who described his participation in age-old rites in which his family and friends would prostrate themselves before pipelines, praying for the safe passage of the petroleum within. “Just as the smokestack rises from the ground, so too must the pipe go beneath the earth. The Creator has imbued the sands of this province with great bounty, and with the proper offerings of oil company subsidies and construction grants, we may be so blessed as to profit from its gifts.” At press time, Trudeau had concluded his remarks by inviting members of the press to join him in a traditional pipeline-blessing ceremony, beginning with the ritual application of refined black oil all over one’s face and body.

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