Chapter 19

~ Elsa ~

I have a dream.

I'm the queen of Arendelle, standing atop our castle gazing upon a sea of laughing faces and flying petals. Beside me, you swing both arms with gusto, and our parents are behind us smiling.

I have a dream.

Far too quickly it ends, and my eyes open. I stand alone in my room now. It is empty. Quiet. Dead.

"Is anyone here?"

A pitiful silence. I call again, louder this time. "Kai? Gerda?"

She doesn't run in with her hips jiggling from side-to-side. He doesn't come trotting into my room with worry etched into his kind face.

I'm alone now, though I shout one last time just to be sure.

Your name perches on the edge of my tongue. It begs to be set free but I hold on to it a little while longer because I'm afraid; afraid of what it'd mean if you do not answer.

But all fears must be confronted.

"Anna?"

"Anna!"

"ANNAAAAA–!"

My cries echo through the air, lost to the wind. I know deep down that even if I'm to yell a hundred times more and a hundred times louder, you will not answer.

That doesn't stop me from trying.

I creep out from the safety of my room. My eyes sweep left and right. The hallways are empty, and a phantom fist hammers in my chest.

Loss. There is loss; something that should be with me, in my heart, my core – something which should've made me jump for joy. Without it, I feel…hollow, and everything is so utterly wrong that I find myself clutching to the door for support.

What is it?

I screw my eyes shut, inhaling air to centre my thoughts. Then the answer comes, clear as day.

You.

I scramble down the hallways, pressing my ear to each door, praying for a hint of your voice and your laughter. But the silence mocks me.

Hall after hall I dash by until I'm gasping for breath. My nose feels raw, and my eyes blink too many times. There's a tightening around my cheek while my teeth ache. A thousand needles prick my shivering body and my hands rub down my arms again and again.

Time stretches on, churning the rosemaling on the walls into a blur of colours and flowery shapes. I bend over, retching. When the sensation passes at last, I lift my eyes to see a slab of a metal door with rusted nails looming over me. A strange chill emanates from under the door.

I... remember this. My cell. Hans captured me and threw me in here. To that treacherous filth, I was merely a pig waiting to be slaughtered.

You're not inside. But I need to make sure; I tiptoe to peek through the window, yet all I see is a void. When the tip of my finger grazes the iron, I jerk back as though the door is a living, biting creature. It is cold, so cold that it makes me shudder.

In spite of myself, I push it open, and something horrible claws into my guts. There it is, the ugly and warped pair of manacles lying there on the floor where I left them, mocking me. Even now I feel the sharp tightness of metal on my wrists.

Should I slap them back on? Relive that moment when Hans told me you were missing, when my world nearly ended then? It's strange thinking of him now, for he was both my salvation and very nearly, my death. When I'd use my magic to kill, he was the voice of reason, beseeching me not to become the monster. I owe much to Hans, yet I'd gladly throttle him for trying to kill you.

I steal one last look at the manacle and run out. The chill slithers across the back of my neck but I refuse to look back.

Anna, where are you?

The sharp tang of hay greets my nostril as I duck under wood rafters. I scour through the stalls. It matters little to me that the horses are missing; all I seek are the signs of– there! A puddle beside a half-eaten carrot.

Sven's sleeping spot. And naturally Olaf's too.

That those two could've forged such a bond was remarkable, because how could a troll-raised reindeer and a talking snowman have anything in common? Yet they warmed our hearts everyday and made this castle a brighter place. And where Olaf goes, I'm sure you–

A thought creeps into my mind.

ELS-

My world explodes with pain. I fall to my knee, shoving it aside before it grabs hold. It takes ten minutes before I dare open my eyes, and another ten before I find the strength to rise. I grip onto a shelf and haul myself up. Books surround me. I am in the library. A tome rests on the carpet. I dust it off and open it with a crack. The paper is damp.

The Great Freeze was over, but it took me three days before I mustered the will to visit our parents. You understood and gave me time. I do not recall collapsing before Papa's grave. I do not even recall the journey back here. I do remember however, the softness of your hands and the warmth of your body against mine, anchoring me to reality.

Thanks to you, the monster did not wake.

Our castle staff pressed in on us and our hands came apart. Then I was dashing away, seeking refuge. Their faces were full of concern but I cared not. Somehow I entered the library. I snatched this tome and swept through it, lowering my nose to it at the approach of footsteps. But my tears dripping into the pages gave me away. Kai and Gerda came close, offering hugs in turn, letting me have their shoulders to cry on.

Their comforting words flee me now, but the love and worry on their faces are as fresh to me as if they're right here. They are more than servants, they are family. I just wish I had the chance to tell them. And more than just to them, I wish I'd said–

Stars explode behind my eyes as the thought pounds my mind again.

ELSA, I–

No! No! GET OUT!

Dropping the tome, I thrash my head from side to side till it relents. Then I bolt out.

I stumble into the dining room. There on the table is a bowl of carrot soup. I pause in wonder. It's the first meal the three of us had together.

You'd just disappeared into the kitchen to hunt for hidden stores of chocolates, leaving Kristoff and I alone. You did that on purpose, didn't you?

"So…" I started. "You're going out with my sister."

Kristoff swallowed. "That's right."

"Tell me about yourself."

And so, your fiancé-to-be recounted to me the story of his ice harvesting days, of how on that fateful day, he spotted us as kids, saw Pabbie save your life, then got adopted by the trolls. He told me how he accompanied you to the North Mountain so you could drag me back to Arendelle.

"You've done more for this kingdom than anyone could ever ask for," I said in my best royal voice. "State your reward."

"Wait, what?"

"What would you like from the Queen of Arendelle? Wealth? My sister's hand-in-marriage? A position within the court? You are the Official Ice Master and Deliverer now, but I can bestow a greater title still. Name me your heart's desire and I shall grant it."

He rubbed his chin and asked meekly, "Permission to continue dating your sister?"

I knew at that moment he was worthy.

The silence stretches on, but still you do not return from the kitchen. I head in to find you.

A door? Did the servants install one here without my knowledge? I pull it open to reveal the ballroom. I stroll in. The dining room behind grows dark, but it doesn't really matter.

A giggle sounds out and I duck behind the nearest pillar.

"One more! Make him big! No, no, bigger!" a girl shouts.

My fingers grip onto the varnished wood.

"Snowball fight! Snowball fight!" another girl cries. Her voice is older but her mischief rivals her sister's.

"Elsa, that's no fair! You have magic!"

"Okay, what if I gave you three snowmen guards?"

"You are on!"

My breath quickens at the soft 'poft poft poft' of snow hitting snow, and the joyous cries of two little girls. I close my eyes to remember your face and your smile. But all I see is a terrifying sea of green. My limbs are lead, and it surges towards me.

NO!

My eyes fly open, and the ballroom is silent. I peep out, and my heart sinks when I see that I'm utterly alone.

Anna, where are you?

The door by the end of the ballroom is ajar. Peeking out between the gap is a hallway leading to a room. I left this for last, even though I knew it should've been the very first place to look.

Your room.

As I move forward, the darkness chases behind. It is laced with vapours of green. I do not understand it, nor do I want to.

I stand before the snow-white doors of your room, steadying my breath.

Bap-Bap-bapbap-Bap

"Anna?"

I repeat our secret code.

"Anna!"

Am I doing it wrong? Should I be tapping harder or faster? Why won't you tell me anything? Have I…have I hurt you again?

I clutch onto the handle, twist it and the door slides open by itself. Walls of violet hues, a dresser, a full-length mirror comes into my view. But you're not here.

I put my foot in and the shadows swiftly follow behind. I spot a glove resting on your bed. Five brisk steps and the distance between us vanish. It is teal in colour, made of silk and decorated with the Arendelle crocus.

A knot forms in my throat as I pick it up.

This was how my life began. You took it off for me, saving me from the hell of my isolation. You allowed me to stop hiding, to be the queen and the woman I could've been. You saved me. I owe my smile and my everything to you.

The mirror by the wall looks like mine. I close in to take a closer look.

Your room's twin zooms up as I approach– I gasp, trying to jerk back but my legs are paralyzed. The person staring back within is not me. She has emerald eyes, raven hair that falls over her shoulder and pale skin. Her face is striking even though I've never seen it before. She nods at me and opens her mouth.

ELSA. IT IS OVER. REST NOW.

The thought slithers in as a snake would invade a mouse's burrow.

Names I've never heard with my own ears are suddenly intimate to me. Sights I've never beheld with my eyes flood my mind.

Christina. Solberg. Rasmus. Belking. A hunter whom I called father. A beautiful mother who sang to me and told me stories. An adorable younger sister who protected me. A village that tried to kill me. A beach that was my place of solace. Vicious faces come and go. I killed. Emerald magic leapt from my fingers and ripped the life out of my foes. A prison brimming with sentries' whose souls were pitch black. The hunter's face was cruel now, and he became my warden. Time stretched into an eternity. But through it all I held on to hope, to the memory of my sister... Christie?

I MURDERED MY SISTER. I SHOULD'VE BEEN THE ONE TO DIE.

NO! You are my sister. You, Anna of Arendelle.

I recall you peering at me from the outside of a cell. Your eyes were so cruel. I feel betrayal, sadness and regret all at once. The tempest wells up in my core, sending me crashing to my knees. Why? Anna? Why! My fists clench.

ANNA, HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME?

NO! NO! NO! This is not me! They belong to the woman in the mirror. They belong to Freya, who stole her sister's body–

The darkness sweeps in.

–and now she has taken mine.

An unyielding black surrounds me, its maw opening wide to swallow. There is no escape and my magic doesn't come. I want to fight, but I–I can't.

I am done. I slam my eyes shut as the shadows takes over–

Goosebumps race up my arms.

I feel them even before I see them. Their presence shoves the darkness away, bringing clarity to my world. I spin around, cupping my mouth with a trembling hand. They are exactly as I remember. So majestic, so perfect.

He walks up to me, squeezing my shoulder while she holds my hand in hers. A sob escapes me and I fall into their open arms.

"Mama… Papa…"

They are here for me. I press against them, tasting salt on my lips. Our shoulders quake together. I can touch them at last.

The shadow pauses around us, as though mocking us with its last act of mercy. I lost to Freya. Now our kingdom, our home, and most of all, you will suffer for my weakness. Everything darkens but Papa and Mama's warmth does not fade. If anything, it grows stronger with the tightening of our bodies.

Papa's eyes seem to say, "It is time."

Mama gazes at me tenderly, "Be strong, Elsa."

"Yes," I smile for them, and we embrace each other again.

I say it now, what I should've said to you a long time ago. These next words I'd gladly die a hundred deaths for, just so the wind would whisper them into your ears.

"Anna…"

The two of us are kneeling in snow, piling ice together to form a snowman. Your smile's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

"I love you."

The darkness closed in.

Anna hugged the box to her chest as she dashed towards the harbour.

A whiff of the freshly-made chocolates pulled a grin to her face.

They were Elsa's favourite.