Riverdale is back, baby! Christmas? New Year’s? Who cares, the winter premiere of everyone’s favorite insane teen drama is the real holiday, if you ask me. And oh boy, does “Chapter Forty-Four: No Exit” deliver present after jaw-dropping present.

Before we get to that, though, let’s do a brief recap in case those lesser holidays addled your brain. When last we left the Town With Pep, it had been placed under quarantine due to the machinations of Hiram Lodge (Mark Consuelos). Jughead (Cole Sprouse) and FP Jones (Skeet Ulrich) were trapped outside town. Betty (Lili Reinhart) had rescued a bevy of girls from the evil Sisters of the Quiet Mercy nunnery/insane asylum. Veronica (Camila Mendes) had unsuccessfully tried to stop her parents from enacting their villainous plan. And Archie (KJ Apa) had left the country, convinced Hiram won’t rest until he is dead.

In case you thought things would hold to that status quo over the break… Well, I guess you’ve never watched Riverdale. When we return, the town has changed — for the worse, if that’s possible — and most the denizens with it. There’s a lot we can’t tell you about this episode, of course, but here’s what we can tease:

1 Archie's Quest When we pick up with the former ginger now auburn stallion, Archie is living a life of solitude and puffy vests in the woods with his dog, Vegas. But what happens next… Hoo, boy. When I tell you what happens to Archie in the GIF above may be the craziest thing Riverdale has ever done, I hope you realize that’s not hyperbole. And what happens next is arguably even crazier. KJ Apa’s performance in this episode pays off on the promise he showed back in the Season 3 premiere, and then some. It’s… Big, you guys.

2 Veronica's Life Is A Cabaret, Old Chum Meanwhile, back in Riverdale things may have gone for the dark and dystopian, but Veronica’s club La Bonne Nuit is thriving. The show is littered with multiple covers from the musical “Cabaret,” and if you know that show at all you might be able to put some pieces together about what happens in her storyline. Suffice to say, she’s wheeling and dealing as well as dear old Dad now, and that may lead her down some very dark paths.

3 Convene The Serpents' Council Hey, whoa, wait, didn’t I mention up above that Jughead and FP were trapped outside the quarantine zone? So what are they doing hanging out in the trailer park with Betty? Turns out, the wall around town was a temporary measure… Though that doesn’t mean Hiram’s iron fist has lessened its grip. That leads to some lean times and big decisions for the Southside Serpents. The roster of the gang, and their status quo as a whole is radically changed by the end of the hour. For you Serpent fans, this is your episode; though some of you may change your fan status after some of the decisions the Serpent King is forced to make.

4 Gang Warfare While the Serpents are getting their whole deal sorted out, the Gargoyle King — the head of the still mysterious Gryphons & Gargoyles role playing game — is using his gang of Gargoyle soldiers to keep Riverdale in line. Reggie Mantle (Charles Melton), sad to say, ends up on their bad side…

5 Archie Makes His Bones? Back in Season 2, Hiram kept encouraging Archie to “make your bones,” which means “kill someone,” for those of us who aren’t small town gangsters. When it turned out that Hiram was manipulating Archie, the young Andrews boy threatened to make his bones by killing Hiram. So. We won’t say how it happens, or what happens next, but suffice to say what you see in the GIF above happens in the episode. Also, Hiram gets a ridiculous furry coat! But you’re probably more interested in that first thing.

6 The Cats Will Play Part of the dystopia that plagues Riverdale when we return? Rampant crime, thanks to none other than Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch) and Toni Topaz (Vanessa Morgan). That involves literal catsuits, because Cheryl Blossom is anything but subtle. But Catwoman inspired sprees aside, this is a big episode for Choni fans, for good reasons (a bold declaration!) and bad (crime doesn’t pay, kids). Regardless, get ready for plenty of screentime from your fave couple, and that’s something to celebrate.

7 Hard-Boiled Egg The MacGuffin in the episode is the above Glamergé egg from Spiffanys, which becomes key to a number of wheelings and dealings. Did I mention crime doesn’t pay? How about another cliché then, something about revenge and dishes?

8 A Sister's Mercy While Veronica deals with her club, Jughead has Serpent problems, and Archie [REDACTED], Betty is dealing with some serious issues of her own. The Cooper household is at capacity with the kids she rescued from the Sisters of the Quiet Mercy, and she’s rapidly losing control. Meanwhile, she and Sierra McCoy (Robin Givens) are trying to take down the Sisters of the Quiet Mercy, but a few shocking twists you definitely will not see coming throw all of her plans to the side. She may be back together with Jughead, but everything else in her life is about to hit some serious, shocking snags.