Aries: Even bigger band jazz.

Taurus: Stay hydrated! It will be important when the government comes by later today to ask for your hydration tax.

Gemini: The stars say it might be time to check out that ancient old safe in your basement with the clawmarks all over it.

Cancer: The colony of ants in your backyard have completed their civil war and would like to establish trade negotiations.

Leo: No you read the pamphlet correctly. You are being taken to small clams court.

Virgo: The sheer speed at which you are able to move on is frankly terrifying. Slow down a bit.

Libra: Your birthday is coming up eventually! Be ready when an assassin with a sword bursts out of your cake.

Scorpio: The little flowers at the center of your table are not part of the meal but the stars understand your confusion.

Ophiuchus: Looks like you’re gonna accidentally wander into a restricted military zone again!

Sagittarius: Creativity is something to be fostered but planes for dogs is a terrible idea.

Capricorn: Be ready for a meet-cute and an indictment for arson when you and your date fundamentally misunderstand what the purpose of the tinder app is.

Aquarius: For today only, you deal +10% damage versus racist horses.

Pisces: A man who carries a medieval tower shield with him at all times, is a fool every day but one.