A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder. The depression came as little surprise to me as it is something I had privately battled with for years.

Anxiety disorder, however, came as a shock, yet it made all the sense in the world. From a young age, I had worried more than other people. I worried about everything and anything, these weren’t just the usual worries people have, bills, meetings, health etc. These were ridiculous worries…

Will North Korea blow up Japan?

Did I smile too long at the bus driver?

Do my friends and colleges think I’m stupid, ugly, rude or all of the above?

Will I be fired from my job somehow?

Will I end up homeless as a result?

Did I feed the cat, and if not will he be forced to eat carrion in the street, only to himself be run over by a car?

Big problems, little problems non-existent problems. All these things and more fed my anxiety until I broke. One day, I literally couldn’t get out of bed and face the world. Life was a dark scary place and I was a wreck, I wanted to hide.

I had got used to the sweaty palms, twitchy feet, lack of sleep, repetitive unwelcome thoughts, but this time it was different, my body was tired and my mind was shot. Something had to change.

I tried several things over the following couple of years, medication, counselling, exercise, positive thinking techniques. All helped to an extent, but I couldn’t quite shake the constant feeling of worry and unease.

So after a short break, I gathered myself together and carried on as I had before, using my anxiety as fuel.

Inevitably my ability to plough forward once again hit the skids. My health deteriorated to the point I developed stomach problems and Alopecia Areata.

The stress and constant worry, coupled with unhappiness in my career had led me down a dark path. It had got to the point that pretty much all my hair had fallen out, my relationships with people were suffering, and I was no longer interested in life. I had hit rock bottom.

So I was signed off work and back at square one. I needed to start rebuilding from scratch. After some medication, advice, rest and relaxation and a lot of love from my significant other, I decided to try and focus my energy on simple things that would bring me happiness.

For too long I had become too focused on the toxic things that made me anxious and miserable, Politics, my career, issues from childhood, fear of criticism. It was time to focus on things that would bring me joy.

It was then that I bought my first DSLR camera. I had always wanted a decent camera to take up photography, but I had never felt I had the time or energy to learn. This was something for me. I actually agonised over spending the money on something that wasn’t essential, I felt immense guilt which is all part of suffering anxiety. But I bought one and I haven’t looked back.

This isn’t to say photography has cured my anxiety completely, it hasn’t but what it has done is taught me to live in the moment. When trying to capture a good shot, there is a stillness, a freeze frame that anxiety and worry does not have the the chance to penetrate. All I see or feel in that moment is the object of my attention.

I soon realised that the search for interesting subject matter was making me want to go out and do things. Rather than staying in feeling worried, I am now always planning the next shoot, the next shot. The other thing I started to notice was the period of reflection whilst editing my photography. My mind was suddenly reliving interesting moments rather than regurgitating negative emotions.

The biggest benefit of photography though has been my reconnecting with the people in my life. Anxiety made me want to be alone, but now I am going on walks with friends, capturing family moments, and sharing photos with loved ones. That is the true joy I’ve taken from getting into photography.

It isn’t the only tool in my arsenal. The struggle with anxiety and depression is ongoing. It should, however, be pointed out that I am very lucky to have a supportive partner. She always has my back. I am also looking at career changes, diet, and all round well being. But it has to be said, photography has been a huge help to me, it frees me from Anxiety, if only for a moment.

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If you are interested in my photography you can follow me on Instagram @steelcitysaintedc

If you are struggling with depression and/or anxiety there is always help available. The following are really helpful resources

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/

Thanks

Ian