This story was originally published on Aug. 14, 2019 in NYT Parenting.

You’ve had a baby! Congratulations, you look fantastic! Well, isn’t this an exciting time? No, you’re absolutely right, it’s terrifying. The sheer number of decisions you have to make that clearly will have lifelong and irreversible consequences shouldn’t be taken lightly. And it seems like maybe you’ll never take anything lightly again? Or maybe you could be like Simba in the “Lion King” and laugh in the face of danger?

No, that was not a sponsored comment. Are you serious? Of course you’re serious. No, I am not here representing a brand. No, I didn’t bring any plastic with me, unless you count my shoes and soul. What’s that? No, I am definitely not giving the baby a cartoon character onesie or dirty looks or anything with added sugar. For God’s sake, no, I am not an influencer! You’ve known me since freshman year of college! Have you ever known me to influence anything besides a midnight pizza?

But back to the baby, such wonderful news! Just look at her! I need to kiss her sweet face and hold her in my arms and — no, of course. How dare I suggest kissing when you don’t know where my mouth has been? Holding the baby: also out of the question. Absurd that I even brought it up. Yes, you’re absolutely right, if I hold her I could potentially transfer my microbiome (???), which I can tell you’ve been reading a lot about! Although based on my exactly 30 seconds’ worth of learning on this subject, that seems unlikely since she didn’t come out of my vagina and, also, I don’t eat poop capsules.

So, fine, let’s table the holding of the baby. Speaking of tables, what changing table did you end up getting? Yes, of course, a changing table was definitely worth months of research. People change babies on the airport floor and the tailgate of their car, but sure, spending $1,300 on a “new take” on a midcentury modern piece of furniture that you will want to set on fire in a few years makes perfect sense, and I am not mocking you nor your seriousness regarding this matter. Anyway, congratulations on purchasing the bridesmaid’s dress of furniture.