After a long two-week hiatus -- during which I didn't know what to do with myself from 11pm to midnight -- Jon Stewart and his crack "Daily Show" staff had a lot to catch up on Monday night. Luckily for them, there was no shortage of absurdities to mock, ranging from Phil Gramm's demeaning remarks about American "whiners" to the Viagra/birth control conundrum Carly Fiorina got McCain embroiled in. It's nice to have you back, Jon.

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By the way did you know that while we were gone for two weeks the Presidential race was not suspended? Not only that, they ratcheted the f*#%-ups by releasing the surrogates. As you know only two men can run for President at any one time and obviously they can't be everywhere. They're not Mario Lopez for God's sake. So they have friends, surrogates, meat-puppets if you will, people who can amplify their message across a broad range of media.

Transcript below the fold:

By the way did you know that while we were gone for two weeks the Presidential race was not suspended? Not only that they ratcheted the f*#%-ups by releasing the surrogates. As you know only two men can run for President at any one time and obviously they can't be everywhere. They're not Mario Lopez for God's sake. So they have friends, surrogates, meat-puppets if you will, people who can amplify their message across a broad range of media. Uh in the case of Senator John McCain, his surrogate's job, to ease voters concerns over traditional Republican weak spots, like the economy when people are suffering the GOP can occasionally appear callous, dismissive of real people's needs while seemingly unwilling to lend a helping hand to regular folk because they're too busy, uh, cupping Exxon's balls. So... they send out people like Phil Gramm, John McCain's chief economic advisor to talk to an editorial board, as the one at the Washington Times to let Americans know John McCain feels their pain.

[Cut to video.]

You read more about the Phil Gramm influenced McCain plan to fix the economy in his new position paper, Walk It Off America, My Ten Point Plan For You P%#%@es To Learn To Suck It Up. Seriously, what Phil, this is...uh...Phil Gramm's comment is offensive in two ways. One, it's insensitive, and two, how's an economic expert not understand that most of our whining jobs have already gone to India? Now, you know they don't do it cheaper they do it better.

After something like that the McCain campaign needs another surrogate to go out and kill off the first surrogate. Uh..it's like an adoption. You adopt a kid it doesn't work out you got to adopt a bigger kid to muscle the other kid out of the house. Am I right is that how it...wha...wha...? I'm not a good parent. So here we go former CEO of Hewlitt Packard Carly Fiorina.

[Cut to video.]

In your face Gramm! Carly Fiorina will be talking for John McCain from now on. Not just about economic issues. Issues that are important to women like last Wednesday when she said "There are many health insurance plans that will cover Viagra but they Won't cover birth control medication. Those women would like a choice." She speaks for, she speaks for you. She speaks for you, right John McCain?