So here we are.

The moment exactly one of you has been waiting for.

Are you proud of yourself?

You should be.

All the Yum’s is proud to bring you a detailed review on the men’s bathroom at Ponak’s. Oh, and the food.

Get hyped.

First off, this IS supposed to be a food blog. But I want to warn you right now, this review has very little mention of actual food. Mainly because Ponak’s lighting is straight outta Gehenna. What’s Gehenna? It’s the ancient lands that surrounded Jerusalem where Canaanite deities such as Ba’al were worshiped through some messed up means. It became known to be cursed and evolved into our concept of hell.

I make learning fun!

But that’s exactly how shitty their lighting is for photos.

Apparently they’re all about color psychology or some shit because every light is red. It’s supposed to make the food taste better. But I don’t follow such hippie ways of thinking. The only time red means shit is when paired with white and blue. AMERICA, BITCH.

That’s my proof. So believe me when I say all my photos are shit.

Katie and I started with some margaritas because we’re free Americans and can do what we want to our good-for-nothing livers.

They make them strong as fuck here.

So we ordered a few more, talked about genetically engineered super babies, the philosophical quandary of life extension technology and our favorite corgi videos we watched this week. You know, normal people stuff.

For food, I ordered a #16. That’s two burritos absolutely smothered in cheese, a.k.a freedom. It was good. Nothing crazy. Big portions. Well priced. Katie got beef tamales and she seemed happy with them because she was humming Demi Lovato songs the whole time she ate. But I’m here for other reasons that this burrito will help me with…

So.

How’s the bathroom?

At first I was all, “This is just a normal bathroom.”

But then I sat on the porcelain throne amidst an eternity that stretched beyond time and space into the realm of the infinite.

Its stall is big as fuck.

Those are my legs fully stretched out. I’m 6 foot 6.

Imma relax a bit.

It’s nice here. It’s a good space. This is my home now.

But the fuck is that one shady as shit brick?

There’s a story here. Something happened. And Ponak’s doesn’t want us to know.

WHAT’S BEHIND THE BRICK, PONAK’S??!?!

Is it all your normal lightbulbs that you took down?

Is it a gateway to a forgotten land of whimsy?

Was there a particularly crafty mouse that once lived there?

I NEED TO KNOW.

Also, the bathroom kinda reminds me of public showers found in community centers. I’m still waiting for a naked-as-hell old dude to saunter over, put his foot up on a bench and start to talk to me about how water aerobics has done wonders for his wrinkled sex life.

So how would we rate it?

Ryan

Food: RED/10

Decor: RED SUPERGIANT/10

Drinks: Yeah, son!

Bathrooms: Enough space for a rather large ikea dresser and bed.

Katie

Food: 7/10

Decor: 6/10

Drinks: Hell yes.

Bathrooms: Not as roomy as the mens. Not that I’d know. I saw the pictures, ok? Stop judging me.

Ponak’s is worth a visit simply for strong marg’s and room to stretch in the stall.