More inspiring results from the self-harm Olympics that is Brexit, and now we are hitting ourselves where it hurts: chocolate. Following the referendum, big-name brands have reduced the size of their most popular items, while – in a bid to avoid “doing a Freddo”– prices have stayed the same. It is a process known as “shrinkflation”, which companies are probably hoping your existential doubt will mask. Have Chocolate Orange segments really got slimmer? Or did your hands get bigger? Remember how your parents seemed to tower over you as a child? Curse you, perception!

Well, it is real, as the Office for National Statistics recently confirmed. Maltesers are now the 15% lighter way to enjoy chocolate, and there are five Creme Eggs in a pack rather than six, which is good news because they are disgusting. Fortunately, the shrinkflaters don’t have the monopoly on this sugary market. The budget chain Poundland sells lookalike versions of several confectionery favourites, all costing £1, yet containing more chocolate than the brand originals.

Of particular interest is Twin Peaks, a bar-mounted series of upright chocolate triangles à la Toblerone. While the original has the Matterhorn on its packaging, Poundland’s bar comes bearing a picture of the Wrekin, a hill in Shropshire. More excitingly, it doesn’t look like a bike rack.

We couldn’t get hold of Twin Peaks, because – naturally – Poundland has run into legal difficulties over it. But what about the rest of the discount retailer’s range? Can they compete on flavour? The proof of the pudding is in the eating, so let’s get sick.

Milk Chocolate Giant Buttons, 100g

Unimaginatively named, but so were Cadbury’s. The buttons look uneven and dusty – back of the box stuff that even the newsagent wouldn’t want to sell you. A touch greasy on the finish. The difference between a baking apple and a Pink Lady, although they would probably be fine in a cookie.

Choccers, 200g

The draw of M&Ms – with their sickly crisp, candy shells – is largely textural. That gravelly crunch is excellently replicated in Choccers. For reasons that are still unclear, the packet features distressed anthropomorphic discs with bites taken out of their heads. Which leaves a strange taste in the mouth.

Poundland Nutters.

Nutters, 200g

From the same naming school as Choccers, Nutters are three times the size of their counterparts, the Peanut M&M. Their interior tastes like no nut I have ever eaten – lighter than air and crumbling to uniform granularity like volcanic cinder. But while they don’t quite taste like chocolate or nuts, they are weirdly satisfying anyway. In a class of their own.

Poundland Miracles.

Chocolate Miracles, 200g

More cocoa-y in aroma and darker in tone than Minstrels, they nonetheless lack Galaxy’s famous creamy mouthfeel, and an almost alcoholic tang does not compensate. Thick in body, yes, but thin in taste. Far from miraculous.

Poundland Mini Chocolate Eggs.

Mini Chocolate Eggs, 190g

A delicately speckled ovoid, gauzily romantic like the object of a Vermeer painting, is a precious thing. Sadly, these dented cones suggest the chicken who laid them suffered from egg peritonitis. Though lacking subtlety, the shell is crisp, and the chocolate has an authentically mellow, roasted note. Redeemed!