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Roxi died this morning. I was going to write a whole thing about the research I did about all of this, but my heart is broken. I was finishing this page when I realized she was in a bad way & she deteriorated so fast… I think she had a heart attack in the night after I gave her her medicine & I didn’t notice until it was far too late to do anything. I tried all the things the vet said to do if she seemed to be in distress, but nothing helped. I thought she died while I was holding her, but she took a breath after a very long pause & kept trying. Honestly, if I’d had a way to put her to sleep I would have. It was not an easy death. I’ve been through 3 of them now & it always hurts to watch them struggle and suffer in fear. Eventually it ended, & I packed up that little dog I loved so much in an Amazon box to put in the cold till the ground softens up. A little later I had an irrational jolt of panic that maybe she just passed out & went to make sure she wasn’t shivering in the box wondering why I had done that to her. But she was still dead, just like the rational part of my brain knew she was.

I’m gonna miss that wonderful little dog. I already do. I didn’t love her enough. There’s never enough time to.