I was emo as f-ck in 10th grade.

A bad week, to me, is filled with ennui (that’s a fancy schmancy word for “boredom”). It’s a bad week when I feel stuck, and like I’m just going through the motions but not really feeling anything. I’m doing the mundane, the same thing day after day, week after week, month after month.



I get into these cycles when I haven’t traveled in a while or done something new or out of my comfort zone. I’m a walking contradiction. I refuse to live in small cities and yet when I live in places like New York City and Los Angeles I’ve overwhelmed by the amount of options and activities that exist that I kind of just retreat to my apartment. It doesn’t help that the weather in Los Angeles is like Groundhog’s Dog. Every day is the same, and you’re really, really forced here to make your own fun and excitement. If I’m kind of a boring person, how do I do that? Suffice it to say, I’m going a little crazy.



I’m not adventurous, really. I like traveling but I’d never backpack across Europe or anything. My favorite hobbies involve being at home: Cooking food, learning new recipes, writing on my computer, reading, watching movies. Mancala. Ugh. I’m doomed.



How do I break out of this cycle? Do I have to go to a museum? I’m not so into art. Do I have to go to a concert? I’m too old to stand for two hours. I only go see Of Montreal. I don’t do festivals. Do I go to a bar? I don’t like drinking. Do I go out to eat? I can cook better at home. Do I travel outside of LA? Where, to the suburbs that look like the set of the first season of “Weeds”?



I’ve tried Meetup.com, but it’s usually just creepy. At an all women’s book group I joined when I first moved to LA, we were all revealed our dark secrets, read “Wild” and munched on cheese and crackers. Eh, not for me.



I think people consume themselves with work and family and their relationships so that they don’t have to face the real world. I think that’s why taking a Sabbath every week isn’t such a popular idea. We human beings don’t like to face reality and be alone with our thoughts. Being alone or forced to create our own fun without the assistance of an iPhone or television set is really scary. Eventually the thoughts we think when we’re alone could end up at death. And who wants to think about that? Most of us would rather be caught up in the bullsh-t and our own problems rather than face the facts: We’re going to die. Could happen at any minute. Any second, even. You might not wake up tomorrow.



And it gets me sad to think that. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow (G-d forbid), would I be happy that I spent my last day in a Starbucks, alone, on my computer? Heck no.



I want to live. I really do. I really really really do. I just don’t know how. Do you?