Americans everywhere are cheering what they say is definitely, well, not a slam-dunk by any means, but a step forward of sorts.

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, technically speaking, progress, sources confirmed.


“Today this country took, well, you know, certainly not a bold step forward, or anything even close to a leap, but, if we’re really looking at particulars, a step nonetheless,” said Virginia resident Aaron Yelenick, who celebrated the nation’s admittedly somewhat underwhelming but inarguably forward-facing move outside the Supreme Court Building. “You certainly couldn’t call this a step backward. So, there you go. That’s something.”

“Anyway,” he added, “hooray.”

With shouts of “Land of the free, certainly more so than it was yesterday, at least!” and “We did it—if you look at the details here and ignore that it’s still disappointing that a high number of gay men and women still don’t have the same rights as straight citizens!” millions of Americans took to the streets to celebrate what is, in the end, a victory.


According to jubilant citizens across the country, no one can argue that the Supreme Court’s decision doesn’t fit into the very strict, dictionary definition of the word “progress,” insomuch as homosexuals were previously treated unfairly and, if one looks at it purely from an objective standpoint, will now be treated slightly less unfairly.

The U.S. populace went on to confirm that the country is, technically speaking, making advances in gay rights.


“Today, we as a nation got closer to something, so that is, by reasonable deduction, progress,” California resident and homosexual Lisa Gerard said. “I can now marry my girlfriend Erica, and Erica will be seen as my legal spouse under federal law. That improves my life greatly, so that totally counts as progress. Now, can my friend Peter who lives in Mississippi marry his longtime partner, David? No. Does the federal government recognize their union? No. Did nine people who are essentially supposed to be the most educated people in the United States basically say Peter and David are unequal to Erica and myself? They did.”

“Anyway,” she added, “let’s party!”

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll taken after the Supreme Court ruling, 34 percent of respondents said that increased rights for gay Americans couldn’t be called a non-victory; 42 percent noted that America is now a beacon of human rights, but not an extremely bright beacon, per se; and 10 percent said the ruling is a “very big deal,” if one is willing to scale back their idealism and expectations fivefold.


Nearly 95 percent of respondents said that, after looking at all the specifics, reading the judges’ majority opinions, thinking 10 to 15 years down the line, taking into consideration the overall trajectory of the country, understanding that everything takes time, and remembering that it is politically opportunistic for a majority of Congressmen to at least be seen as fair, what happened today moved the country forward.

“It certainly would have been great today to have found out that I now live in a country that isn’t so goddamn hypocritical and ass-fucking-backward when it comes to equality,” said homosexual Evan Benzio, causing those celebrating around him to momentarily stop cheering. “But whatever. Fuck it. I’ll take it.”