5-29-12

If you have a face, whatever you do, don't go to Miami

This will either be the most fun or the most disgusting article I’ve ever written, depending purely upon your perspective. Miami Florida, home of the Dolphins, Marlins, Heat, Hurricanes & the very famous South Beach. Miami’s kind a strange place, a cuckoo amalgam of Cubans, gays, Jewish retirees & club hopping non stop party people, which makes for a nutty combo. Oh yeah, & they have cannibals, too, that's something the board of tourism fail to mention in the brochure. Life in Miami is like a non-stop party for some folks, for others though, not so much. Like, for instance, homeless Miami man Ronald Poppo, who was attacked & had his face eaten by dadblamed cannibalizer, Rudy Eugene. What the fuuuuuck? Now, this might not seem like a load o’ laughs for some people, but for… wait, yeah, it wouldn't be fun for anybody except for maybe the cannibal himself, but he was shot & killed by a Miami police officer so…funk dat. Okay, maybe it was fun for the cop.

Gross

I imagine it was sort of like playing a video game where you inexplicably &/or unwittingly find yourself in a post apocalyptical landscape & the next thing you know, you’re set upon by face eating cannibals & only you can bring order & make things right again by blasting the holy bejeezus out of em…like I said, good clean family fun. But, it wasn’t a video game exactly, it was a cop walking down the street, when he heard some screaming, then the next thing he knew, he spotted this crazed face eating motherfucker eating some poor homeless feller’s face clean off'rn his head bone. Now, did the cop do something sensible like offer the obviously hungry person a nice sangwich? No, he shouted for the guy to stop, I believe he said something to the effect of, hey, stop eating that face or I’ll shoot! & when he didn’t, the cop plugged him with round after round until old Cannibal Lecter ceased his visage consuming activities once & for all. &, if you’d like to see a security camera recording that’s almost 7 mins long & really difficult to tell exactly what went on & almost just looks like a weird homemade gay porno where they forgot to pay the cameraman, here it is…see you in 7 minutes or less. Welcome back. It was pretty hard to tell what was happening, wasn’t it? It more or less looked to me like the legs of 2 naked guys, then a cop shows up, then 1 of the guys starts rolling around & the next thing you know, it’s over. But, I guess it’s more video than you usually get with most crimes & my guess is that internal affairs will most likely go with the cops’ story since the video is pretty much as I described to you. Also, there is a female witness who apparently peeped the whole gruesome scenario & was probably pretty happy that of the 2 people that were close to the guy, she’s the one who got to keep her face & now has a really interesting story to tell her grandchildren someday. Gwandma gwandma, tell us the story of the voodoo cannibal face eating guy pweeeeease gwandma?

Is this what he had in mind?

& the guy whose face got consumed is in the hospital in critical condition, but even if he makes it, who wants to wake up without a face? Man oh man alive, how much would that suck? Plus, he’s homeless & unless he has by some miracle, a benefactor or guardian angel to completely support him through this, his life is as good as over anyway. Talk about adding insult to injury. &, who’s going to step up & do that for him? My guess would be nobody. If he makes it, he’ll end up spending a long period of time in the hospital I’m surprised is even letting him stay there with no insurance, then when he recovers, he’ll be presented with an obscene stack of medical bills he’ll never have a shot in hell @ paying, then he’ll be relegated back to the streets, case closed. We’ll never hear about him again. God bless America.

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.



I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking that voodoo & cannibalism have nothing to do with each other. Well, maybe you’re right, but that’s clearly the direction I’m taking this, so I certainly can’t stop now. Oh you’re not thinking that? Phew. Then forget I mentioned it. I mean, like chocolate & peanut butter together make a Reese’s, voodoo & cannibalism just make good sense. 1st off, you’ve got the whole shrunken head dealio; well, what do they do with the rest of the person after they shrink the head? Surely they must eat it, & if they don’t, they ought to, anyway. Waste not, want not, I always say. But I could be wrong. I guess. I am. I mean, it’s probably difficult to shrink a head if you’ve already eaten the person’s face, am I right? What was I thinking? If you had your way, I'd be writing all about the whole bath salts phenomenon & the impending zombie apocalypse & how they both possibly tie into all this, well, screw that, zombies are just icky...yecch. In any event, this nekkid eyeball eatin’ fool is/was 1 sick muthascratcha’. I mean, how hungry would you have to be to want to eat up a person? He’s in Miami for Christ’s sake, you can get a damn Cuban press anywhere you like, there must be a stand like, every 10 feet or so…in other words, there is plenty o’ food available if’n you’re hungry. What was he thinking? He was probably within walking distance of a 3 Guys from Miami recommended restaurant or Enriqueta’s sandwich shop from where he was standing but was just so starving he was determined to eat the 1st face he saw. He probably didn't even have time to read the Zagat's review, & sometimes, when you’ve got the taste for it, nothing but face will satisfy, kind of like a Snicker’s bar, only bloodier. I know I know, it’s horrific but put yourself in this guy’s position for a second, one day you’re just sitting there under an underpass, minding your own business, it's lunch time, you're eating someone’s face & the next thing you know, some cop is giving you a goddamn hassle about it. So, what do you do, stop & get arrested? What if you’re still hungry? You're still in mid devour. Who knows when you’re going to be able to eat again, & what’re the odds they serve up generous portions of face in prison? Shee-it son, you probably can't even get a nose in there, & he probably figured if he went home late again, his wife would just give him cold shoulder anyway. Or…do you go ahead & finish? He finished, & now he’s dead. & now, I’m finished. Yet, after all that, I’m still surprisingly hungry, go figure. Hey, I wonder if Luby’s Cafeteria still serves those wonderfully delicious open faced sangwiches…..now, that’s good eatin’.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies - Willie fucking Wonka