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My truck gets dinged at Home Depot, Coach is mistaken for The Great Pumpkin, The Fed and how America’s wealth was stolen on Christmas, Dr. Nurse calls in and says Maddox is repulsive, an Erotic Story from a real cuck, a porn star spergs out, Stove spergs out, a possible serial killer spergs out, shaving and leaving tracts of hair all over your face, my take on Asterios’ settlement offer, and Joe Buck is a Pygmalion of dog shit; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

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Also stickers!

But first…

The Federal Reserve has catfished our money.

After a week of researching just how big a scam The Federal Reserve is–and it is a massive and aggressive one–that’s the best way I can put it. The Federal Reserve is an old man, or better yet a collection of old men, conspiring to send nudes of women they found on the Internet to American citizens in order to dupe them out of cash and labour. Of course like any good catfish hoaxers, they’ll never meet in person to get audited, they can never explain why their bills and interest rates that they need money for are changing, and if you call them out for sending you someone else’s nudes that can be Google Image Searched, they’ll have you assassinated.

Banks make money by giving out loans. Just like McDonald’s makes money by giving out hamburgers. And after this week, I can confidently say that I would prefer a hamburger based currency over the one we have. At least with a hamburger-based currency, you can trust that you have something. Hamburgers are in a limited supply after all, or at least they’re difficult to create more of. Cows stink firstly, so inflation is self-regulating because of the stinkery. Hamburgers are also easy to transport and even easier verify their authenticity. Hamburgers can be divided into halves and quarters; essential components of a currency. In Ronald MacDonald we trust.

These same things cannot be said for the American dollar.

If The Fed ran McDonald’s, you’d get a picture of a hamburger and then you’d get charged for the portion you didn’t eat. If The Fed ran McDonald’s, hamburgers would shrink to the size of sliders between the hours of 11 and 1, when everyone who works all day is hungry, and then turn into Double Quarter Pounders for two minutes at 4AM when the doors are locked and some asshole in an armored bank car is taking too long at the drive thru speaker. If The Fed ran McDonald’s, Burger King would show up on your front door every year and take back 30% of the pictures of hamburgers you “consumed” that year in their unshrunken size–and if you didn’t have the hamburgers to pay back, they’d just take the meat.

I don’t know if that is funny, but if it’s not, here’s more unfunniness. The Fed is a private organization of bankers for bankers who control not money, but the concept of money itself–the interest rates; the abstraction of the abstraction–and they’ve turned the economy into an endless boom and bust cycle of artificial, leveraged highs and chaff-culling, house-robbing lows, addicted all of the civilized world to imaginary money, and turned the wealth of the nation into financial leverage against the global economy. It’s a train wreck of fiscal faith healing, the emperor’s new and overly-complication clothes, and the sinking feeling that you left your wallet in an Uber, except your wallet is the size of the entire American GDP. It’s the most egregious theft in human history.

In this episode, we also talk about Asterios’ settlement offer to George “Maddox” Oz for what I think is either the sanctions against him or the potential countersuit, I’m not quite sure. Either way, I hope Maddox doesn’t take Asterios up on his generous offer of $30k. He deserves far more than that and, quite frankly, so does the world. I agree with Asterios that the most satisfying resolution to this entire lolsuit saga would be a mechanism that prevents Maddox from continuing to destroy people’s lives, however, I disagree on what that mechanism should be; a contract vs. crippling debt. In other words, Asterios would like the government to do it and I think it should be left to the free market. If we resurrect “The Biggest Problem in the Universe”, I guess that will be episode one.

“Drill Her” by the Hard Men Working Hard. Check out their Patreon!



“Maddox, What Did You Do?” by Vizzy G.



Dick Pics



A thumbnail that is not a pumpkin by Wormwood.



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