PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY COLUMBIA TRISTAR / EVERETT

Reports indicate that nuclear testing in the Pacific has somehow awakened a giant, prehistoric monster, and that this "Godzilla" is now headed for us, intent on demolishing our city. If you believe the official narrative, man's arrogant quest to harness the power of the atom has once again resulted in disaster. But yeah, right. Sorry—I'm not buying it. I happen to think a Godzilla attack is just what our country needs right now.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the negative media coverage. The élites have had it in for Godzilla since day one. All you see on TV are egghead scientists whining about how Godzilla is bad: "When Godzilla gets here, he's going to smash through our tallest buildings like they were made of cardboard!" and "Godzilla just ate a bus full of schoolgirls!"

You never hear the other side of the story—the reasons good, hardworking people like me are excited for someone like Godzilla finally to come along and challenge the status quo. So here's why I'm a proud Godzilla supporter:

Godzilla is an outsider. He's been slumbering beneath the ocean since the Pleistocene era, so he doesn't represent politics as usual. Godzilla isn't going to do what a bunch of spineless bureaucrats or corrupt lobbyists tell him to do. Godzilla goes his own way.

Godzilla is tough. He fought King Ghidorah and won! F.Y.I., King Ghidorah is a three-headed dragon that shoots lightning out of his mouths, and Godzilla still kicked the crap out of him. I just know that Godzilla can do the same for us.

Godzilla isn't P.C. Was it politically correct to eat that bus full of schoolgirls? Nope. But Godzilla did it anyway. Which shows that Godzilla doesn't care what anyone thinks. To me, it's all about authenticity.

Godzilla is a job creator. Just look at his time in Hokkaido—after he cut a swathe of destruction through that city, suddenly construction guys, doctors, and even funeral directors were working around the clock. Godzilla has proven that he can put our country back to work!

Godzilla is a natural showman. Remember when Godzilla picked up a battleship and swung it like a baseball bat at that helicopter (killing everyone on both)? You never see off-the-cuff, unscripted moments like that with career politicians.

Nobody is taller than Godzilla. This is just a fact. The tallest human who ever lived was eight feet eleven. Yawn. Godzilla is more than four hundred feet tall! You don't need to be an egghead scientist to do that math.

Most important, I don't like my next-door neighbor Hatsuo, and it's possible that Godzilla will destroy his house. You don't know the guy, but Hatsuo is a lazy prick who plays his dumb music way too loud on weeknights. In the event of a Godzilla attack, there's a chance his house could get stomped. Fingers crossed on this one!

Now I know you're going to come at me with a bunch of "facts" and "reasons" I shouldn't support Godzilla. Like, "Godzilla is totally unpredictable" and "Godzilla doesn't care about you—he's a thoughtless engine of ruin who, if anything, despises humanity because we disturbed his primordial slumber!" and "If your next-door neighbor's house gets destroyed, don't you think your house will probably get destroyed, too?"

Believe me, I've heard it all before. What you don't get is that this isn't about facts. It's about feelings. I feel like our country is on the wrong track. I feel like, when I was a kid, things were better (no bills) and that, now that I'm an adult, I'm getting screwed all the time (several bills). I feel like, if Godzilla wrecks everything, that would be good (no more bills for a while). When it comes down to it, I feel like Godzilla is strong; I feel like Godzilla is powerful; I feel like Godzilla always wins (except against King Kong that one time.)

Look, we tried things the old way—with a government and public safety and stuff—but it just didn't work. Now it's time to try a new way: the way where a hate-filled fifty-thousand-ton reptile burns everything with his atomic fire breath.

Honestly, this endless back-and-forth about whether a Godzilla attack is good or bad for the country is pointless. Just listen—you hear that?

He's already here.