Worst party ever: Sixty people, ONE Miller Lite.

According to a recent study performed by Colgate University (of minty fresh breath fame), heavy drinking college students are happier and more "socially satisfied" (sexed?) than those who practice moderation. Me? I didn't really start drinking hard until AFTER I got my undergrad (I have a master's too, WTF!) and I've been pretty miserable ever since. Definitely no social status. Well, unless pariah counts.

Colgate University associate professor of sociology Carolyn Hsu, who co-authored the study, says that, despite being aware of the ills associated with binge drinking, students continue to overdo their alcoholic consumption because of a link between binge drinking and improved social status.

That part is not particularly surprising, but what the authors did find intriguing was that low-status students were able to elevate their social satisfaction to the level of high-status students by binge drinking. Additionally, students who belonged to high-status groups were less socially satisfied if they did not binge drink. Also of interest is that the majority of the 64 percent who claimed to be binge drinkers, most were mimicking the behavior of high-status group members in order to elevate their social status.

Drinking to be cool, huh? That isn't a new concept. Or a good one. Listen: if you want to be cool you only need one thing: confidence. Confidence, and a REALLY cool party trick (I guess technically that's two things). Oh man, I used to do this bit where I'd pull a wooden nickel from behind a girl's ear after showing her that my hands were empty. They ate that one up! "It never worked, did it?" No :( I was always so busy spraying cologne down my pants before the party started I'd forget to bring my nickel.

Thanks to Mary and LupusYonderboy, who agree the key to being happy in college is good grades and the outlook of a bright future! Oooooooor getting high and hosting Mario Kart tournaments.