Editor’s note: We’d like to apologize for the rampant idiocy of our freelancers. For reasons completely unbenounced to us, Dick M. Dickson (actual name withheld) attended an exhibition featuring retro-hit HARD WEST with the bizarre assumption that the game represents the latest in VR kinkiness. This is not true. However, in the spirit of making do with what we’ve got (and because we’re contractually bound to do so), here is this review of the event in its gory glory. -D

Fact: there’s no subtlety in smut these days. Everything about sensationalism, size. The works. Everywhere you go, it’s people trying to outdo each other, companies competing in the gross-out category. Porn is loud, ladies and gentlemen, but it doesn’t have to be.

Gambitious’ Hard West is an example of retro classiness. In fact, it’s so classy, there’s practically no mention of genitalia whatsoever. (I’m convinced that the salacious material’s gated behind secret challenges, but that’s a subject for another review.) Its basic premise is incredible. Hard West is three parts Weird Western, two parts Lovecraft, and one part whatever the developers were smoking at the time. And it’s all good, baby. Despite the incongruity of the myriad parts, it all comes together seamlessly. There’s no reason that this should make sense, but it does.

Armchair historians may recognize the gameplay as something straight from the seminal XCOM, a turn-based strategy game that had the 2000s’ by the nads for an unbelievable period of time. (And without ever requiring a sensory plug-in, too!) But there are important differences.

For one, Hard West makes use of shadows, which is a delightfully tactile idea. More importantly, it does away with the concept of people *missing* a shot when they’re directly next to an opponent, raising and lowering hit percentage according to distance. People, you don’t know how rare this concept was. And I love that it is there.

Take note, however, that isn’t the best part of Hard West. That title goes to the card system, which is essentially a perk system riveted onto the idea of poker. I know. Hard to understand, and even harder to picture in a state-of-the-art porno-game, but bear with me. It’s cool and I can only imagine the ramifications in the more licentious content.

Anyway.

So, after every battle, there’s a chance you’ll be given a random card. Each card has a different ability, and you can chain those cards together like a poker hand, giving you even more of a boost. There’s a special pleasure in assembling these combos. Imagine this: a marksman who can ricochet shots off things in the environment after first reducing everyone’s health to zero, or a banshee who can go invisible in the shadow. It’s totally, 100% fab.

I’d go into the actual story, but the subsidiary now controlling Gambitious’ property wants to “keep the mystery analog” — despite the fact Hard West is what you’d call properly retro. Oh well. I’d say this much, though. The divergent storylines and the roster of characters all beg for exploration, although I’d say that I’m hoping we get an intimate look at a certain doctor and his entourage of triplets. Yum.

Regardless, you absolutely should check out Hard West if the exhibit rolls into your quadrant of Glitch City. Otherwise, you can go to the archived website and see if you can convince the webmaster to give you a code.

Final Verdict:

Hard West delivers so hard on every count, I can only imagine what the grown-up section will be like.