I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but apparently marriage is under attack in this country. No, not by aliens or sea beasts, but by the type of people who shop at Crate and Barrel. Now, don’t get me wrong—those who shop at Crate and Barrel are people just like anyone else, but that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to get married.

The way I see it, if we allow Crate and Barrel shoppers to get married, who will be next? People who carry Louis Vuitton bags? Go see Broadway musicals? Or eat at Panera Bread rather than Subway? It’s a slippery slope, my friends. One solution is to pass a “Defense of Marriage” bill in Congress, but what all must we protect marriage from? I’ve made a list.

Crate and Barrel

alcohol

playboys

Playboy magazine

Louis Vuitton bags

neighborhood floozies

Broadway musicals

more alcohol

women under thirty

Panera Bread

Desperate Housewives

desperate housewives

pool boys

Angelina Jolie

the schwa

Key Parties

even more alcohol

Feminism

This is hardly a complete list, and I’m fairly sure that all kinds of acts of debasement are going on in any Ikea location that threaten marriage to its core, but it’s a start. The question then becomes how does such a law get enforced? If popular films have taught me anything (besides the value of a montage set to a retro pop song), it’s that when defending something there’s only one solution—guns.

Just watch From Dusk Till Dawn or Dawn of the Dead, and you’ll get a pretty clear picture of how marriage should be protected. Let’s round up marriage, take it to a mall, and surround it with common, everyday citizens who have no experience with firearms. Oh yeah, and then’s let give them guns. The staging point for this defense should probably be close by a Victoria’s Secret for obvious reasons. Marriage is going to need all the help it can get in this fight.

You may think I sound extremist in my concern, but I’m just someone who loves marriage. Now excuse me while I cut this short, but my wife will be home soon and I need to be outside working so she won’t bother me with the details of her day.