KANATA, ON—As millions of Canadians decide which vices and luxuries they will give up for Lent this year, local human Susannah Geddies has revealed she will be giving up entirely.

"I gave up chocolate for Lent last year and carbs the year before that," explained the 36-year old. "But after taking stock of my life and the state of the world around me, I decided this was the year to quit."



"Period," she added to indicate the conclusion of the sentence.

According to Geddies, her goal of "quitting tolerating this crap" will encompass giving up a wide range of activities and behaviours; including, but not limited to: caring what others think about her appearance, belief in democracy as a form of government, the expectation of ever affording her own home, apologizing reflexively when dealing with assholes, and faith in humanity, among other things.



"Basically, I'm giving up on giving fucks," she elaborated. "And it already feels amazing."



When asked to explain the rationale behind her ambitious Lenten season challenge, Geddies cited troubling patterns in her daily habits.



"I noticed I was spending 90% of my waking hours dealing with bullshit," said Geddies with visible disdain. "Thinking about bullshit, worrying about bullshit, modifying my behaviour to accommodate someone else's bullshit, et cetera. Just drowning in bullshit."



Since "giving up on it all" however, the data-entry clerk has noticed immediate benefits to her health and overall wellbeing.



"Previously, the only bearable part of my day was the 15 seconds between waking up and turning on my phone," she explained. "But since Lent started, the crushing sense that there's no hope for the future has only intruded my thoughts five or six times."



"Granted, we're only one day in," she added in reference to Lent's traditional 40-day length. "But it's a good start."



Emboldened by the early success of her abstinence from giving a shit, Geddies is already planning ahead for Lent 2018.



"Next year I'd like to give up acquiescing to the patriarchal, capitalist social structure that is the cause of all our suffering," she declared. "But it all depends on how many fucks I'm still giving by then."

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