IF Matthew Wrightson didn’t do as his ex-wife wanted, she’d disconnect his computer, hide the cables and force him to do housework.

Even worse, she’d threaten to limit his access to the children if he dared to even think about leaving her.

7 Matthew Wrightson says he was a victim of coercive control Credit: Ian Whittaker - The Sun

Despite being married for seven years and having three children together, Matthew was rarely allowed free time with them.

“If I did overtime at work, for example, and she wasn’t happy about it, she would threaten to pack her bags, [take] the kids and leave the country or even throw me out of the house,” Matthew, 41, a commercial project manager from Peterborough, tells Sun Online.

Matthew is one of the increasing number of men who are the victim of coercive controlling relationships.

A new study found that more than a third of men in the UK have admitted being a victim of such a relationship, which strips the victim of their liberty and sense of self and became illegal in December 2015.

Separate research suggests the reasons men don't leave abusive relationships are varied, but for 89 percent it's because of worries about their children.

The fear of never seeing their kids again keeps 68 per cent with their partner.

7 It was only when Matthew left that he realised the true extent of what he'd been through

Ammanda Major from relationship support charity, Relate, says: “People often assume it’s only women who are victims of coercive control, but as these statistics suggest, men are also often at the receiving end of this unacceptable behaviour, which forms part of serious domestic abuse.

"In our experience, refusing access to children is sometimes used as a way to control and ‘punish’ the other person.”

Coercive control is different to other types of abuse as it is so subtle - in fact many people will have no idea it's happening at the time, presuming their relationship is just troubled.

But it's all about power play, with one person gradually undermining the other but making them think things are entirely normal.

I had to ask her for pocket money - it was humiliating

Matthew met his wife - who declined The Sun Online's request to comment - through a friend when he was 18. They dated for a year before getting a house together.

"At the beginning we were happy but the cracks started to show when she fell pregnant," he says. "However, this calmed down and once our first born came along, everything was OK.

"But by about 2002, there were moments where she would be controlling, first with money then with friends."

Coercive control warning signs Ammanda Major, Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice at Relate says: We all occasionally say things to our partners that we probably shouldn’t. Coercive control is something quite different and is a consistent 'drip drip' or full-on attempt to create and maintain power over a partner. This can take various forms and often starts off subtly. Any of these behaviours, if carried out consistently, could suggest coercive control: Undermining you: This could include dismissing your opinion and telling you what you say is wrong or that you are over-reacting.

This could include dismissing your opinion and telling you what you say is wrong or that you are over-reacting. Criticising you: For example, making you feel you never do anything right, or calling you names.

For example, making you feel you never do anything right, or calling you names. Controlling who you see, where you go and what you do: This may take the form of stopping you from seeing friends or family members, not letting you go out on your own in the evenings or telling you how you can and can’t dress.

This may take the form of stopping you from seeing friends or family members, not letting you go out on your own in the evenings or telling you how you can and can’t dress. Spying on you: Monitoring your phone or social media accounts without your permission, using GPS tracking devices or physically following you are all big red flags.

Monitoring your phone or social media accounts without your permission, using GPS tracking devices or physically following you are all big red flags. Making you feel guilty: This can include sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.

This can include sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you. Withholding money: If they are stopping you from being independent by controlling your finances or even not letting you work, this may be a form or emotional abuse.

If they are stopping you from being independent by controlling your finances or even not letting you work, this may be a form or emotional abuse. Controlling what happens sexually: Making you have sex or do sexual things when you don’t want to.

Making you have sex or do sexual things when you don’t want to. Saying you’re ‘crazy’ or a bad parent: This often shows up as constantly trying to create the impression with you and others that you ‘have issues’ that are to blame for everything. If you’re worried you may be a victim of coercive control, it’s really important to get professional help. Relate, Women’s Aid, The Men’s Advice Line

Although subtle initially, looking back Matthew feels he was treated like an untrustworthy child.

Gradually it became normal that his credit and debit cards were taken from his wallet so he even had to ask his wife for pocket money for his lunch.

“I was the only one working, and I’d work 40 to 50 hours a week, bringing in nearly £5,000 a month but I wouldn’t see a penny of it,” says Matthew.

“She’d go shopping and buy outfits for her and the children but she wouldn’t let me spend anything. She was in total control of the purse strings and it was humiliating."

Worse still was how she subtly limited Matthew's time with his children.

Being asked to do jobs around the house or fix things may seem normal, but the scale of the situation grew and grew. Everything seemed to keep him away from his children.

"When I was off work or on holiday, I’d rarely get quality time with the kids as she would write a list of things that needed fixing in the house or other chores and then would just take the kids out somewhere," he says.

"She basically was trying to build a wedge between me and the kids.”

7 When she was angry with him, she would drive her nails into his palm and force him to do housework

I was totally isolated

After her controlling behaviour spilled over into his friendships and his relationship with his parents, devastatingly it began to impact his role as a father.

“We’d moved so it was more difficult to see my friends and every time I wanted to go out with them, she’d say I couldn’t spend money or that she had to use the car. In the end I lost contact with them,” says Matthew.

“She also wouldn’t let me spend time with the kids away from her, even if I just wanted to take them out for the day, and would threaten to limit access if I dared to leave her."

She told Matthew his parents "belittled the children", driving a wedge between them.

Although he now realises this was entirely false, Matthew got so used to hearing her say it he began to believe it.

Like many men, he was also terrified of anything effecting his relationship with his kids.

Fathers4Justice founder Matt O’Connor says: “It is a tragic reality that many mothers ‘weaponise’ their children by controlling a father's access to their children, which has led to an explosion in applications by dads to the family courts.

“We call this ‘revenge parenting’ because mothers know fathers have no legal rights to see their children, and they can act with impunity. This coercive behaviour extends to 'parental alienation' where mums manipulate children and turn them against their dads."

Admitting that he sometimes did wonder why he was still in the marriage, Matthew says: "The children were the most important part in my life and risking my time with them was going to be so hard."

7 Matthew eventually left his wife in 2009 but he now struggles to trust women

I got used to her hurting me

As is often the case in coercive controlling relationships, the victim can be brainwashed by the perpetrator so they don’t realise what is happening is abuse.

This was exactly how it was for Matthew, who can't believe how normal the situation seemed when he was living through it.

“I’d come home after working a 12-hour day and she’d have dinner on the table for her and the kids but told me to make my own, then would complain at me for working so hard and abandoning her and the children," says Matthew.

“She’d also go out with her friends whenever she wanted but wouldn’t let me do the same. It completely messed with my head."

Like many in similar situations, he made excuses for his wife to his family and tried to maintain a pretence that things were fine in public.

"If we did go to a social occasion you could say it looked like the perfect family but this was a disguise held together with tape," he says.

"My mother once saw her dig her nails into my palm when I disagreed with her but I just shrugged my shoulders and said, 'This is what she does.' I’d got so used to it, I didn’t even realise it was bad.”

Left days from death

Isolation from friends and family is a common component of coercive controlling relationships.

Jordan Worth, 22, from Stewarby in Bedfordshire banned her partner Alex Skeel from their bed, decided what clothes he could wear, threw boiling water over him and isolated him from friends and family and even took over his Facebook account.

7 Alex Skeel was left ten days away from death by his ex-girlfriend Credit: BBC Press Handout

7 She threw boiling water on Alex and beat him up Credit: BBC Press Handout

"The hospital told me I was 10 days away from death," said Mr Skeel in court, and urged other victims in abusive relationships to speak out.

Worth was jailed for seven-and-a-half years in April 2018 after pleading guilty to the offence of controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship, as well as wounding and causing grievous bodily harm with intent.

It was the UK's first conviction for coercive control involving a female offender, but the crime doesn’t always have to be physical.

A recent Crime Survey for England and Wales found that one in three domestic abuse victims are male, affecting 2,000 men every day.

But just one in 20 men report domestic abuse to the police.

7 Jordan Worth, 22, was jailed for a catalogue of sustained violent attacks upon her ex-boyfriend Battered boyfriend Alex Skeel, 22 Credit: Enterprise News and Pictures

She was having an affair

Matthew only really grasped the emotional abuse he’d suffered, and how undermined he had been as a father, after splitting from his wife in 2009.

She told him she wanted to separate but wouldn't say why. When she stayed out all night Matthew suspected she was with someone else, prompting him to leave four days later.

“She’d encourage me to leave my job – despite it being our only source of income – saying I was working so hard and never saw the kids, but it turned out she was having an affair.

"It was her way of trying to dis-empower me and take away my chances of having the children when we split up,” says Matthew.

"She definitely used the kids as bait," he says. "She consistently said the kids didn't want me there. It was mind games."

When he discovered the affair, Matthew went to live with his parents and finally began to realise what she’d been doing to him all along. His children were one, seven and nine when he left.

One of his children has lived with Matthew since 2010 and he sees another every other weekend and during school holidays. He does not have contact with his third child, who has chosen not to see him.

The shame element

“Now if I look back, I think I was a bit of a fool, and was stupid not to realise what was going on,” says Matthew.

“But you don’t have anyone to talk to, and there aren’t many groups out there for men.

"I’d even gone to the doctor at one point and talked about all the pressure I was under but he just told me to take some pills and waved me off.

"There’s a shame element too. For men, it’s one of those subjects that are still taboo and laughed at. Unless you go to the police covered in bruises they’d just laugh you off and file away the paperwork.”

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Matthew divorced in 2015 but, his experiences in his marriage mean he struggles to trust women and he's been single for six years.

“I don’t want to risk getting into that kind of relationship again,” he says.

Matthew's ex-wife declined our request to comment.

For more information, visit respect.uk.net or call the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327. For fathers and issues relating to contact, visit fathers-4-justice.org.