Please help me. There’s a guy out there who’s so fearsome, he’s making me uneasy, nervous, afraid. Save me!

I know this guy. He is agressive, he’s a rapist, a child molester, a wife beater, a chauvinist pig. He’s you.

Please help me to get rid of you. You’re bothering me. I despise you for being male, why don’t you do something about it? Why don’t men understand that men are rapist thugs, and if they do understand, why don’t they protect me from themselves? Where’s the knight in shining armor who will respond to my “men can stop rape” campaign who will keep his armor on long enough to not rape me? Men are evil and men should protect me. I am a powerful victim, an empowered damsel in distress who cannot be told what to wear but who’s in constant need of men’s help. Give me your taxes so I can be independent. Give me quotas in education so I can get in your face with schadenfreude. Give me affirmative action in the workplace so I can have your job and then complain about you being a useless man-child. Why don’t you just man up already and admit you’re an evil subhuman, a genetic mistake with a broken chromosome, a defective women with testosterone poisoning. And you should protect me from those other bastards out there, like you.

Walk the streets to look for suspicious men so you can ensure I won’t fall victim to them while I stumble around in dark alleyways totally smashed and half-naked – but at the same time please go the fuck away because if I see you there it will be you who will scare the living shit out of me, you rapist.

If you want to get into my pants you should play nice, guess my thoughts, pamper me for the princess I am, bring me flowers and candy, and if you do this you’re a fake ‘nice guy’ who is worse than thugs because he’s dishonest about just wanting to get into my pants.

We feminists fight against gender stereotypes and outdated sexist generalizatons, so we can tell you with certainty that all men are sexist pigs. Except for feminist men, except except if they turn out to be fake nice guys. All men are powerful patriarchs ruling over womenkind while sitting in their parents’ basement playing those useless videogames we girl gamers are so much better at. The world is ruled by men who are not good enough for me to marry. Where have all the good bicycles gone?

Men have no problems anyway, they can’t have any, they are the oppressors living under bridges torn from their children and paying the mortgages for houses the biological father of those children now live in with me. Men just keep whining about silly superficial stuff like the suicide rate and homelessness, and don’t give me enough attention when I rightfully complain about such blatant and outrageous crimes against humanity like the woman beating the shit out of a man for no real reason in the superbowl ad being a robot – like, objectification of women, don’t you understand?!

Those oppressive patriarchs force women to do repetitive household chores like shopping, that is why we do 3/4 of all consumer spending we poor little victims of rich men who have the privilege to work away to an early grave to hand us the money they earn while we have to suffer endless shows of Oprah lying on the couch in the comfortable concentration camp. Did I tell you that if a husband doesn’t give his money to his wife that’s domestic violence?

Men are evil, there’s no doubt about it. I can only hope that you are somewhat better than the rest, by some mistake of biology maybe. I hope you are a woman in your heart of hearts so you could understand my predicament, asking you to save me from yourself. I hope you are not a rapist thug, an evil oppressor like the rest of you.

Would you help me, pretty please?