By Melanie Woods, November 3 2015 —

In light of recent investigations into Enbridge funding, University of Calgary administration assured students that they are for sure, 100 per cent, definitely not accepting bribes from large oil and gas companies at the expense of academic freedom.

In an open letter bearing the logos of 15 major oil and gas conglomerates, university administration claimed they always prioritize students.

“The U of C is dedicated to training the future engineers and oil and gas employees of tomorrow,” the letter said. “And also a few lawyers and stuff too, we guess.”

Sporting a Suncor-branded fleece vest and lounging in her office, university president Elizabeth Cannon said students shouldn’t worry about their interests being sold out to placate corporate investors.

“The U of C is still the top university in Canada aged 51 years or younger,” she said. “And we will do anything within and outside the law to keep it that way — you know, for the student experience.”

The letter defined the ‘student experience’ in various terms.

“Synergy,” the letter said. “Engagement. Research. Branding. Eyes High. Growth. Sustainability. Cooperation. Communication. Collaboration. Community. Cosign. Coleslaw.”

In total, the letter contained 108 words beginning with the prefix ‘co’.

“We’re all about co-synergistic processes,” Cannon said. “And co-employability with fantastic organizations like Imperial Oil, Enbridge and Encana.”

As Cannon spoke, she carefully polished the collection of Shell-branded paperweights on her desk with a Nexen tea cozy.

“We’re here for the students and student engagement,” she said. “And so are the fine folks at Enbridge.”

Cannon also cited developments in the ongoing legal dispute over ownership of MacHall with the Students’ Union.

“If the university gains full ownership of MacHall, we are excited to announce that, through the generosity of corporate leaders, it will be renamed the Cenovus Energy Services Incorporated Centre for Student Engagement,” she said. “CESICSE — doesn’t it have a nice ring to it?”

Cannon also said there are plans to renovate the aging Social Sciences building and convert it into Suncor offices, claiming it will provide dozens of jobs for engineering and business graduates.

“That’s a future scheme,” she said. “But rest assured, the U of C will always prioritize the experience of our students and staff. Arts students and faculty can study outside — it’ll build character.”

This article is part of our humour section.