Torchwood: One Rule

Welp, I tried. Also, Yvonne, stop ruining my headcanons.Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. This transcript is not intended for profit, just sharing the love.YVONNE: Torchwood. Outside the government. Beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of Great Britain. The twenty-first century is when everything changes, and we’re ready. Obviously.YVONNE: () Hello, Bev, I just – Oh! Ianto. Of course I do. Beautiful Welsh accent, gorgeous coffee. And don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you look at the lovely Lisa. () Now you’re blushing. Just ask her out. Actually, no, scratch that. I’ll arrange dinner for you both. My treat. Check your diary and we’ll sort something out. Now, is Bev there? No, not a problem. Um, could you just pop up and let Rog know I’ve arrived in Cardiff? () You know it’s actually rather lovely. I’m standing outside the opera house, looking up at a really rather gorgeous water feature. It’s all very new and shiny. I’m quite jealous. But yes, if you could be a sweetheart and ask Rog to activate his time bubble that would great. () Ianto Jones. I’m standing on an invisible lift. And I’m about to enter Torchwood-3. Hooray.YVONNE: Not bad, Captain Harkness. Not bad at all. () Very retro. Ah. And there you are. We finally meet! And you can’t even see me. Oh, but photographs really don’t do you justice. And with Suzie Costello over there! Tsk, and Toshiko Sato. Oh, now she’s cute. That’s the whole team. How marvelous. Torchwood-3. Frozen in time! Time to get to work.ROSS: You shouldn’t call me, Meredith might have been here! () Yeah, I don’t think so. () I knew you’d do this. ‘Oh, Ross, I’m bored, can we go out?’ Yeah, I’m married, and I’ve got the end of your Monday. I’m thirty-seven, and okay, I’ll be honest, new series of’s on in a bit, so no. I won’t be coming (?), or wherever it is you wanna go, end of. Okay, not (?), but wherever! () I’m serious, though. You know I love you. But we have to be careful! I wouldn’t stand a chance of getting it if the press found out. Ross Bevan, thirty-seven, secret homosexual. Go out. Go have fun. I’ll stay in being the perfect straight man watching (?) and muscle Mary’s pratting around in sequins.ROSS: What! Ian, I really gotta go. Yeah yeah, love you too, but some sod’s broke one of my windows. (ROSS: What the – What the hell are you, then?SOMETHING: (ROSS: Okay, it’s not Halloween. Is it Sheila? Bloody woman can’t take a joke. Look. This isn’t funny. If you just go now, I won’t call the police, I promise! Okay, so just – Agh!SOMETHING: (WOMAN: I’m back! No (?), so I had to (?). That shop’s not been the same since the lovely Indian family, I don’t know why we’ve – Ross? () Ross! () Uhh, I don’t know what – Ambulance! Or police, I don’t know! God, I don’t know, he’s – It’s my husband, it’s Ross, he’s, he’s – () He’s got no head.YVONNE: Rog, I’ve got it! The D(?) scanner! We’ll see what’s inside that sphere if it kills us. Well actually, you know what – I booked a night at this fabulous new hotel, so keep the time bubble going until morning. I’m looking forward to an evening of peace and quiet and probably a bit too much wine! () I know, so naughty. I’ll leave the country in your capable hands. See you tomorrow. (MAN: Hello, love?YVONNE: (MAN: Eh, hello?YVONNE: () I’m sorry, are you talking to me?MAN: You must be Torchwood, then.YVONNE: Torchwood? Whatever are you talking about?MAN: You just appeared out of nowhere, love. I mean, nobody else noticed, but I know all about you and your little underground base, heh. I work for the council, see.YVONNE: How lovely for you. Well, I’d like to stop and chat –MAN: It’s the murders, you see. There’s been five in the last two weeks.YVONNE: Well! Murders? That’s what the police are for.MAN: Yeah, but victims, they’ve all been like me. Councillors.YVONNE: Well, like I said, you better be calling the police.MAN: Oh. I thought you might help me!YVONNE: Aw, bless you, but no. I’m from London. I don’t do local politics. Goodnight! (YVONNE: Ah, that is good. What did you say your name was?WOMAN: B(?), madam.YVONNE: Oh, B(?), your hands are, ah, out of this world! That’s it. You need to leave this hotel, leave Cardiff, leave Wales, come to London, and work for me. I’ve decided we need a masseuse.B(?): I am trained massage therapist, madam.YVONNE: Even better. Oh, yes! Oh, that’s the spot. Oh, oh. Happy day.B(?): Fire alarm, madam.YVONNE: () That was too good to last.B(?): () Can you smell smoke? It’s real fire!YVONNE: () Now, B(?), don’t panic, just follow me and we’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Grab the (?).FEMALE REPORTER: The fire, which has been raging for over an hour now, has completely gutted the Manor Rest(?) Hotel. As yet, there are no reported fatalities, but a number of people have been taken to (?) Hospital. Local councillor Barry Jackson was one of those at the scene. Mr. Jackson?BARRY: It’s awful, isn’t it? Cardiff’s newest luxury hotel, gone!REPORTER: Mr. Jackson, is it true you went into the fire yourself and saved a number of people?BARRY: Wh-who told you that? I was passing, that’s all! I just did what anyone else would have done!YVONNE: () Oh, Mr. Jackson, thank you, thank you so much, thank you! He saved my life! He just pulled me out of that fire and he saved my life! Just think if he hadn’t been there.BARRY: Oh, I really don’t want to talk about it.YVONNE: I’m sure you don’t, he’s a hero!REPORTER: A true hero indeed. (?), back to you in the studio.YVONNE: And for that, I think you owe me dinner.BARRY: Me? Dinner?YVONNE: First I need some clothes. I can hardly investigate a series of murders dressed in a towel. () Ooh, and that’s the last of the Pinot.BARRY: I don’t understand.YVONNE: You’re a councillor. I spent half my life dealing with civil servants and MPs. They’re like children. They don’t get what they want, so they have a tantrum and they break things.BARRY: You think I burned down a hotel to get your attention, love? () That’s some ego you’ve got.YVONNE: How very observant of you. Yvonne Hartman.BARRY: Barry Jackson.YVONNE: Charmed! Now, then. Oh, a little shop. Well, pop in there, get the lovely little black number in the window –BARRY: The shop’s closed, love. After five PM, see. But dim problem – There’s a twenty-four hour superstore down the road! They’ll have something smashing.YVONNE: () Right. And then where’s good for dinner?BARRY: Ta-daaa!YVONNE: () Well, this is… Oh, I see it’s a bit of plastic. How very, very…BARRY: () It’s all-you-can-eat! An all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.YVONNE: Chinese, yes, I saw. In the pictures of the food in the window.BARRY: Oh, and they say Cardiff needed all that regeneration rubbish! Heh, we’ve a restaurant.YVONNE: Is it a restaurant, though.BARRY: And it’s an all-you-can-eat. How bloody marvelous is that.YVONNE: () Happy day.BARRY: Oh, come on. You need fattening up, you do. Uh, grab a seat over there. And I’ll get us some prawn crackers. You have prawn crackers in London, don’t you? Well, they’re basically giant crisps. (?), bloody marvelous! (YVONNE: Yes. () Um, I’m so sorry, e-excuse me, could I borrow your phone? I, I was in the fire, in the hotel. I just need to let my husband know I’m okay.WOMAN: Of course, here you go.YVONNE: It’s just a local call. () Ianto, Yvonne. No, I’m fine. Yeah, I’ve lost everything, obviously, including my phone, the D(?) scanner, and my dignity. I’ll try and call later; what I need you to do me a favor. Dig up everything you can about Barry Jackson. He’s a councillor here in Cardiff, and he’s not the bloody marvelous fool he pretends to be. Thanks Ianto. () Um, thank you.WOMAN: No worries.BARRY: (returns) Here you go! After this, we’ll get some of that chicken satay. Chicken, in peanut butter! Who’d have thought it. (YVONNE: You better tell me about the murders, Barry.BARRY: Oh. Right. So. It all started when the mayor died. You heard about that. (?) Llewellyn – died three weeks ago.YVONNE: I’m afraid such important news doesn’t reach us in London.BARRY: Died in the big terrorist thing, you know. Well, they say it was terrorists, but I saw it for myself. Shop dummies coming alive! Obviously it was aliens.YVONNE: I wouldn’t know.BARRY: So, he was out shopping and he died. So a bunch of us had been nominated to replace him. As you do.YVONNE: Including yourself?BARRY: Exactly. And then a couple of weeks ago, old Brian Rainer(sp?), he dies. In mysterious circumstances.YVONNE: Naturally.BARRY: And since then, another four! God, dead. Beheaded.YVONNE: They were beheaded?BARRY: Well, I saw one of the bodies. It wasn’t – I don’t think it was a sword or anything, it was more, well, it was like, um – () Oh, excuse me. Idris(?)? What… Oh no. No, thank you for letting me know. I’ll call you later.YVONNE: Another murder?BARRY: Ross Bevan. Found by his wife half an hour ago. She’d only popped out to get some wine.YVONNE: So something, or someone, is killing off potential mayors?BARRY: Exactly! Poor Ross. Lovely man. Bit of a gay, if we’re honest.YVONNE: How many are left?BARRY: Including myself?YVONNE: Well, you are a potential victim, aren’t you, Barry?BARRY: Of course. Well, there’s three of us left. Julie Jones, and Helen Evans.YVONNE: Have you got the internet on your phone?BARRY: We’re not in the Valleys!YVONNE: May I?BARRY: Here.YVONNE: () Different locations, different times of day, all killed when they were alone.BARRY: H-here, what are you doing?YVONNE: Calling Julie Jones and Helen Evans. () Julie Jones. H-hi, no, I’m – Barry’s new assistant. Yes, I did see him on the news. Julie, I-I’m sorry to stop you, but can I just ask where you are? Oh, I’m sorry. () She’s in the loo. () Oh, lovely! () She’s out to dinner. Where did y- Chinese. Oh. Yes, an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet is indeed –YVONNE: () Everyone out! Get out now! It’s terrorists!BARRY: () The loo’s this way!YVONNE: Well, go in, then.BARRY: It’s the ladies! I don’t know what goes on in London, but we have standards, my dear.YVONNE: () Julie? Julie Jones, are you in here? My name’s Yvonne and – () Damn. Barry, get in here.BARRY: () She’s dead!YVONNE: () I see that.BARRY: What are you doing?YVONNE: Examining her before the police arrive and screw it up. () No, she was definitely attacked by something. I think that’s saliva.BARRY: Ooh, I’ll be sick.YVONNE: Yeah, that’s the prawn crackers. I’ll take a couple of photos and we’ll get out of here. (BARRY: Poor Julie.YVONNE: () Hi, is that Helen? Helen, Yvonne Hartman here, I’m Barry Jackson’s new assistant. I’m afraid I have some bad news. No, he’s still alive. The bad news is that Ross Bevan and Julie Jones have been murdered. Can I ask where you are? Great. Now, do me a favor – Stay with people, don’t even go to the loo by yourself.BARRY: She’s a woman, they never go by themselves.YVONNE: Thanks, Helen, we’ll see you soon. No, it’s okay, I’ve got my eye on him. () She’s in the White Lion on St. Mary’s Street. You know it?BARRY: Oh, yes. That would be where Helen goes. She’s very – Welsh.YVONNE: Right! Fine. Lead the way.YVONNE: Funny that you just happened to be watching Torchwood tonight.BARRY: So you are Torchwood! I didn’t know they had Torchwood in London!YVONNE: Nobody does. We’re meant to be a top-secret organization.BARRY: Only a few of us on the council know about it, but we didn’t used to take it seriously, really.YVONNE: What changed?BARRY: Well, the shop dummies, I mean. I know those big-wigs in Big Ben said that it was all terrorists, but people saw them! People were out shopping and they saw them. Shop dummies coming alive and gunning people down. What terrorists would do that? What I want to know is why you lot didn’t stop them.YVONNE: Us lot?BARRY: London! The government! Torchwood! Isn’t that your job?YVONNE: Not exactly, no.BARRY: But you deal with aliens. You’ve been there during other invasions. You, and UNIT, and the others!YVONNE: You shouldn’t know about that.BARRY: All those alien invasions and nobody talks about it. Have you been gassing us? Putting something in the water?YVONNE: Barry, three weeks ago, you were right. There was an attempted alien invasion of Great Britain. Now look around you.BARRY: What am I looking at?YVONNE: These people. What are they talking about? Just stop.WOMAN: I can’t believe we’re missing‘cause of Janice and that stupid dog!MAN: Oh, dry your eyes, woman.WOMAN: Don’t you tell me to dry my eyes!YVONNE: You see? The British public don’t need to be gassed. One week there’s an alien invasion, the next, there’s a new series about celebrities wrestling, or dancing. And in a couple of weeks, it’ll be Charles and Camilla. People – move – on.BARRY: But don’t you think they have a right to know? Why is it a secret?YVONNE: Because they’re not ready. You’re not ready to understand what’s really out there. If people knew what was coming for us, they’d die.BARRY: Oh, I’m sure that’s not true, love!YVONNE: Please don’t call me love; it’s incredibly patronising. () Alright. Imagine you’re a young boy. And it’s 1937, 1938. Your father’s told you about that Great War that nearly destroyed the world, but everything’s fine now. You live in the country, on a farm. And you live a happy, if probably very dull life. Now imagine sitting that boy down with his family, and showing him what’s only a couple of years away. The bombs falling. The concentration camps. The killing. Him being ordered to kill. The death. The destruction. The unimaginable. What do you think that boy’s mother would do?BARRY: Well, she would – You think that’s what’s coming?YVONNE: New Year’s Eve. 1999. I hadn’t been working at Torchwood for long. And the phone rang. It was a man called Alex Hopkins. He used to run Torchwood here in Cardiff. He’d seen – something. Something had shown him what was coming.BARRY: () And he – killed himself.YVONNE: () He was a mess. Shouting down the phone that everything was going to change. I listened as he killed his team. One () by () one (). Gunned them down to protect them. To save them. He told me I should do the same. And then he hung up.BARRY: But you didn’t.YVONNE: He was weak. I’m not.BARRY: So, something is coming.YVONNE: Hearing those gunshots, I knew then. Torchwood needed a better leader. Torchwood had to be strong. Torchwood had to be ready. But three weeks ago, when the attacks happened, we weren’t ready. We should have been, but we weren’t. I put my hands up, that was my era. But I won’t make that mistake again.BARRY: Blimey, love. Oh, sorry, Yvonne. You were a bit intense. I thought you were just a pretty bit of skirt.YVONNE: () Yes. Some people have made that mistake. Usually only the ones(?). Now where’s this pub?BARRY: Here’s St. Mary’s Street, it’s just up over there.YVONNE: Is this what it’s always like?BARRY: Oh yes, every Saturday night. You’ve got the (?) parties, and your (?) parties, your gangs up from the Valleys. Then there’s the bankers, and the backpackers… None of them know what’s coming.YVONNE: See, I shouldn’t have told you. We can’t change the future, we can only prepare for it.BARRY: () Oh, here we are. Ohh, (?). That’s her, with the (?). () Oh, but, before we go in, one question.YVONNE: () We haven’t got time. If we really do want to save her life.BARRY: You’re helping me, and that’s lovely. But what about Torchwood here? Why can’t you get them to help us?YVONNE: Torchwood Cardiff and Torchwood London don’t really get along.BARRY: Oh. () So just like the government, then.YVONNE: Come on.BARRY: Uh, it-it might be better if I stay outside. Helen doesn’t exactly like me.YVONNE: () Can’t imagine why. () Well, this is – pleasant.MAN: Alright, love?YVONNE: Remove your hands from there, or I will break them. Thank you. Helen? Helen Evans?HELEN: Ooh! Sorry, love. Can I help you?YVONNE: Yvonne Hartman. We spoke on the phone. About the murders. About the two murders that have taken place tonight. () I’m Barry Jackson’s new assistant?HELEN: Gobshite.YVONNE: () You’ve met him, then.HELEN: You want a drink, love?YVONNE: Eh, what wine do they have?HELEN: Red or white.YVONNE: I’ll have – white, then.HELEN: Oi, C(?)! Pint of – that one, in a glass of white. Stick it on the tab.C(?): Alright, love.HELEN: So, who’d you say had died?YVONNE: Julie Jones and Ross Bevan.HELEN: Jesus. Were they like the others? No head?YVONNE: Yes. Listen, I don’t suppose there’s somewhere a bit quieter you could go.HELEN: But it’s my mate’s birthday. Oi, C(?), get it up you! () I can’t just leave him, can I?YVONNE: Seriously, there could be a man coming after you to kill you.HELEN: () You sure know (?) for an assistant.YVONNE: () Okay, I actually work for MI5 –HELEN, INTERRUPTING: Ohh.YVONNE: - And we’re investigating the deaths.HELEN: Great, you love sticking your noses in. Listen, love. You’re not in England, now. If I’m out for a mate’s birthday, I’m out for a mate’s birthday.YVONNE: Oh, this is ridiculous!HELEN: () Oh, thanks, C(?)! What did you ask for?YVONNE: White wine.HELEN: Oh, he’s given you a Diamond White. Sit.YVONNE: () Queen and country, you’re doing this for queen and country. () Ooh, it’s, um, lovely.HELEN: Down it, then!YVONNE: Queen and country. () I’ll get the next round, then. Um, hello, C(?), was it?(?): That’s right!YVONNE: Oh, excuse me?WOMAN: Oh, what’d you say? Come and say it to my face or I’ll get my boyfriend over you! (YVONNE: Helen, we should get out of here before it gets (?).MAN: Watch out!HELEN: Ho-ho!YVONNE: Gah, this dress was new!HELEN: Ha ha, never wear anything new in here, love. Always gonna get a pint thrown over you.YVONNE: Ugh, let’s just get out of –MAN: Hey! You –HELEN: Oh, C(?). It’s all gonna kick off now.YVONNE: What, you mean this isn’t all kicking off already?HELEN: C(?), behind you! Oh, go on, C(?).YVONNE: Fine, can I just check – You are the local councillor, yeah?HELEN: Oh, don’t remind me. I have a meeting tomorrow. A meeting on a Sunday! Bloody lib(?). Oi, you watch where you’re putting your hands!YVONNE: () Helen, outside, now!HELEN: () What?YVONNE: () If you get arrested and put in a cell, I won’t be able to protect you.HELEN: Come on, then.