Last weekend at a thrift shop I found a small, stuffed monkey, which seemed to have some sort of snout leprosy and would probably murder us in our sleep.

I named him “Copernicus”.

I immediately picked the monkey up and turned to Victor with wide eyes, as I struggled to keep my voice down to a whisper so that the shop-girl wouldn’t realize how much I was interested.

me: Victor. Oh. Em. Gee.

Victor: Oh, holy shit. Put that thing down.

me: Are you fucking crazy? HE NEEDS US. Plus, he is made of awesome. And nightmares.

Copernicus: MISTER, CAN YOU SPARE A HUG?

Victor: Did you just make that monkey talk?

Copernicus: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.

Victor: What is wrong with you?

me: OH MY GOD, HE’S FANTASTIC. Plus, he just used “strangle” as a noun. Who does that? Copernicus the homicidal monkey, that’s who.

Copernicus: YOUR FACE LOOKS DELICIOUS. I WILL CHEW ON IT WHILE YOU SLEEP.

me: See. He just gave you a compliment.

Then I followed Victor around the store, speaking in a squeaky monkey voice and trying to convince him that Copernicus would save us money because I could use him to make home-made Valentines for our kid to hand out at school. But he was $15 and that’s a lot of money to spend on a haunted monkey, so I set it on the counter and prepared to haggle with the girl running the shop.

me: I realize you’re probably very attached to this monkey as you can see his potential, but I was wondering if $15 was really the best you could do. Because he’s missing a lot of his face.

shop-girl: I just work here. I’m not really allowed to made deals.

me: He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

shop-girl: What did you have in mind?

me: Um…$10?

shop-girl: How about $7?

me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.

shop-girl: Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.

me: SOLD. No bag necessary. I’ll carry him out.

Victor: LIKE HELL YOU WILL. That thing is not touching my car.

me: He doesn’t mean that, Copernicus.

Shop-girl: Paper? Plastic?

Victor: How about something burlap? On fire.

me: He can ride home on your shoulder! You’ve always wanted a monkey!

Victor: What? I’ve never wanted a monkey.

me: EVERYONE WANTS A MONKEY.

Victor: Not me.

me: Well…that’s what’s wrong with you.

Victor: I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PAID $7 FOR THAT.

me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

(We were both yelling, but for two entirely different reasons.)

Copernicus: WHERE DO YOU GUYS KEEP THE KNIVES?

Victor: SHUT UP, COPERNICUS.

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UPDATED: I’ve already made the first three valentines day cards and I’m pretty sure Hallmark will be calling me this week.

PS. Why, yes, actually you can buy Copernicus Cards.

Homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics: series 1, 2 and 3