Will Noble

Even More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Ah tube drivers. Intentional or otherwise, they really do crack us up. That's why we're proud to bring you no less than the THIRD instalment of this.

Would you suddenly become witty if you found yourself at the controls? Photo: Andrew Smith.

Extremely honest tube drivers

Leaving Chesham one morning, the train stopped and we heard "Just stopping to deal with a small track fire". 10 mins later: "Sorry, that was bigger than I thought!" - Ian Bartlett

"Apologies for the delay... they're actually testing new self driven trains... oh wait, I don't think I was meant to tell you that..." - Scot

On the District line one Saturday night: "Good evening, the next station will be Cannon Street. We will not be stopping at Mansion House due to [pause] a total lack of interest" - MissNik

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid this train is being taken out of service due to some dirty sod taking a dump in the cab" - Rachel King

"Please take your belongings with you. If you don't I'll just sell them on eBay" - Alex

"Due to circumstances beyond my control this line will be closing at the next stop... for the next six months." - Andrew Robert Dragoni-Long

Lack of interest: Mansion House. Photo: Gary Etchell.

One fuming tube driver

A while back on the Jubilee line during summer holidays some kids ran on at the last minute and were messing around so the doors couldn't close. The driver was clearly very angry and decided to have a go at them so shouted "THIS IS A PLAYGROUND *NOT* A TRAIN!" Poor guy didn't bother to correct himself. - Roona

Tongue-in-cheek tube drivers

"On behalf of the passenger with the folding bike, I would like to apologise for hitting you all." - Ruta Civinskaite

On the DLR: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Canary Wharf, change here for the Jubilee line. But please don't go — the DLR is so much better". - Alex

"Sorry for the delay, folks. Just spoken to the control room and they didn't even know we were waiting. Welcome to the Northern line." - Laura Nunn

"This is Leicester Square. Change here for getting drunk and the Piccadilly Line" - Frank Jennings

"Passengers are advised not to give money to beggars on the tube. However, should you wish to give an anonymous donation to your driver, there is a collection bucket at the front of the train" - Rich

The folding bike: an endless source of quips for tube drivers. Photo: Imran Ahmad.

Tube drivers with door trouble

"Sorry for the delay. The driver of the train ahead opened the doors on the wrong side and needs to check nobody fell out." - Rich Hayward

"When you hear 'doors closing', that doesn't mean you throw your shopping, your children and yourself at the door". - Natasha Thomas

"This train is about to depart, please stand clear of the closing doors. [exasperated sigh] The doors are the BIG SLIDEY things at the side". - Jo Ellis Holland

"Please don't use your child as a wedge to keep the door open." - Francis Witt

A tube driver with lofty ambitions

"We're cruising at an altitude of minus 35 metres. The local time at our destination [Cockfosters] is 5.45pm and the temperature is four degrees" - Stuart McCoy

Wembley Park. You might not recognise it if you're a QPR fan. Photo: Natalie Clarke.

Sporty tube drivers

Getting on at Arsenal after winning a game, the tube driver started various Arsenal chants, and said at every station "Mind the gap between Arsenal and Spurs". Best tube journey ever. - Emma Jane (who we presume is not a Spurs fan)

"This is Wembley Park, where you get off for Wembley Stadium. This is as close as I ever get though, being as I'm a QPR fan." - Karl

Culturally aware tube drivers

Southwark on an early Friday evening; station announcer to the driver once everyone had got off or on: "Take it away, Errrrrnie!" [à la the shrunken head on the Knight Bus in Harry Potter] - Free

In the early 90s I was on a Piccadilly line train somewhere around Acton Town. The driver announced something like "Ladies and gentlemen I would just like to announce that all services are running on time. We make these announcements as a way of patting ourselves on the back. And now here's your reward" [cue Thomas the Tank Engine theme music] - daveid1976

Thomas. And his friend, the green one. Photo: Martin Stitchener.

Baffled tube drivers

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay. This is due to...unexplained reasons" - MissNik

"We are sorry that the 17.50 service to Enfield has been cancelled. This is because the train has disappeared. We're going to make a phone call." Later on the same evening: "Ladies and gentlemen, the 17.50 service to Enfield has now been located. It was stuck behind a cargo engine. It's still stuck, but at least we've found it." - MissNik

As ever, we'd love to read your own quotes/anecdotes in the comments below.

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