Shrooms

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The first time I did shrooms was about 5 months ago. It was a slow Saturday night, and after eating dinner with my roommate Kyle we were sitting on the couch watching TV with some beers. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked “You wanna do some shrooms?”

I freaked out at first, being both curious but very apprehensive. I felt like I really shouldn’t. It could be dangerous, I haven’t done much research, how do I even know what I’m getting. Kyle is crazy, do I trust him not to be an idiot about this sort of thing? I also knew I had decided years ago that at some point I would try at least one or two of the “safer” drugs once. So I said fuck it, let’s do it.

It kicked in a bit faster than he said it would. I started feeling tingling, and a warm, sort of wavy feeling. Eventually the visual effects came. Concentrating on a color would turn the entire world that color. Emotions and moods on the TV were hugely intensified. Angry faces distorted into scarier faces. Things were exciting and I felt my heart racing. At a few points I started feeling anxious, but I still realized very strongly that I was on a drug and nothing was actually the matter. I would take deep breaths and then be distracted by something else. Walking into another room was a trip in itself. You forget where you are. Looking at the room from different angles makes it seem like an entirely different place. When you stand up it is as if the world opens up around you because of the height you gained. Perspectives change. It is like walking into a world that is being built around you. Moving into the kitchen was a trip into itself, because it was a different color and much different “mood” than the living room. Water felt strange. Going to the washroom, I would forget what I was doing and just stand there and stare at the walls. Then I would see the toilet and remember what I was “supposed” to do.

It was nuts, but fun and very interesting. I had trouble following things on the TV, and I felt stupid. I would tell Kyle I had no idea what was going on and he would burst out laughing. Then I would start laughing too. We spent a lot of time ripping into and laughing at things on the television. It went on like this for hours. The world was a wonderful place that didn’t make a lick of sense. Once it started to wear off it wore off very quickly. Then we went to bed.

This time, it was a lot different.

Kyle was again the instigator. This time it was a beautiful, sunny day, with Kyle, a friend of his I just met named Brent, and Nathan. There were also two other guys who weren’t using, Keith and Mac.

I took more, having taken a smaller dose the first time I tried it. It kicked in really fast this time. After 15 to 20 minutes I started feeling the tingling. I felt warm and sort of heavy. Speech was becoming more difficult because so many things were going through my mind.

Then the visual effects started. The tiles began to ripple slightly. Brent and I were tripping balls by the time it even started for the other two guys. We were both bigger and in better shape, so it probably has to do with a quicker metabolism. As it progressed Kyle got into it too and eventually Nathan, too. But by this time I was lost in my own world and found it hard to concentrate on the conversation. Brent was talking non stop. I could tell the two guys not on shrooms were looking at him like he was an idiot. I wished they would leave.

Everything around me was moving. The tiles are normally grey, with perhaps a very slight green tint to them. They turned a beautiful, mossy green in my eyes. The edges would twist and spiral in beautiful, symmetric patterns. I would stare at Mac’s light pink shirt, turning the whole world a shade of warm pink. It was beautiful. When we switched places and I sat facing the sun, it was as if the world became a heavily over-saturated photo. Like a video game with too much contrast and bloom. It was stunning. Colors were so bright and vivid. There’s a wide street that extends straight out from our balcony. It appeared to go on forever, symmetrically. Street lights extending out to infinity at regularly spaced intervals, under the brightest blue sky you’ve ever seen. When I looked to my right, through several fences I could see two children playing on the balcony, about 3 apartments over. Their laughter sounded so far away, everything else quiet. Like in a movie.

Every so often people would turn to me and expect me to say something or join in the conversation. It made me uncomfortable and a bit anxious. I wished they would leave me alone. I was just sitting with my arms crossed staring at things, tripping. “I’m tripping balls,” I would tell them.

Eventually it was too much. The guys around me, especially Brent, were talking too much and everything was too busy. I went back inside, upstairs to my room and laid on my bed. The bed felt incredibly soft and nice. Through my open window, I could still hear the conversation outside. Every so often I would hear someone ask where I was. Then one of the sober guys would say he was worried and would go check on me. He did indeed check on me. I told him I was fine, that it was just too busy. He lingered a bit too long and then left. Then a while later I would hear them ask where I was again. I could feel anxiety welling up inside of me.

I breathed deeply and tried to calm down, but it wasn’t working. Something was wrong, although I didn’t really know what it was. I walked around again, going downstairs. It was still much too busy though, so I went back upstairs and took off my clothes. Closed the window and blinds and laid on my bed. I could hear the other guys being idiots downstairs, having come inside. Mac, who wasn’t tripping, had left at this point. Kyle came upstairs, telling me to come join them downstairs. That it was awesome. I felt terrible, and said no. Something was wrong. I closed my door and crept back into bed, trying to calm my heart. I felt trapped. Some time later, I messaged a friend, telling her I thought I was having a bad trip. Asking her what I should do. This made me feel a bit better. She was an anchor to the outside.

Eventually I thought about what Kyle had said. Kyle is a great friend, and I trusted him. I decided to follow his advice, put on my shoes and went downstairs. For some reason all four of us were in the hallway and being idiots. I felt a bit better at this point. Then Daniela, my other roommate came home.

“You can’t leave these boys alone for one minute,” she said to Keith.

It was funny. She went outside to sit on the balcony with him, the four of us inside on the couches being stupid.

At this point we’d been tripping for two to two and a half hours. For me the visual effects were starting to lessen. The anxiety was still there, but it had been lessened slightly. Being with Kyle helped, and knowing that Daniela was around helped too. I was no longer annoyed with the fact that there were sober people around, instead comforted. Brent was still acting like a huge tool, on his phone snapchatting some girl and just talking non stop. Kyle was really chill, like usual. Looking at Kyle we both shook heads at Brent’s antics while laughing. We both kept saying how we didn’t understand anything. My social inhibitions were gone and I straight up told Brent he needed to shut the fuck up. He was making fun of me but it didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Eventually Keith got some frozen pizzas for us and then left. Daniela disappeared too, off to her room or something. So it was just us four again. At this point deja vu started creeping up, heavily. I’d experienced it last time too, so I knew what it was. But it kept going, further and further.

I recognized everything that was happening as something that had happened earlier. It was like my mind was a step ahead. I knew what was happening because it had already happened earlier. This idea wouldn’t leave my head. It started to become a loop. Brent was acting like an idiot. I would lock eyes with Kyle. I would tell Brent to shut up. I would look at Nathan in the corner. I would look at the frozen pizza sitting on the table, and realize we should do something with it.

I very strongly knew that I was tripping and that it would be over. But the visual effects were almost gone and my body was starting to feel a bit more normal. However, I was convinced that I was still tripping and that this wasn’t real. I was convinced that this had happened before, and that it would happen again and again, for eternity. My anxiety was building. I felt stuck in a loop. Eventually Daniela came back downstairs. I want this to be over, I told her. I want out. She said it’ll just be an hour more or so, that it’s never happened that somebody never came out.

But in my heart, in my mind I knew that it would be like this forever. I went back into the living room and looked at the other guys. I felt like Brent was so familiar, even though I’d only met him that very day. I knew it was because he’s part of this loop. He will always be there. My memories are just a fabrication, part of my consciousness. They don’t exist. I couldn’t take it. I grabbed a pizza box and walked to the kitchen, knowing that I should make a pizza but also knowing that there was no point. Nathan followed me.

“I’m not having a good time,” I told him.

“I get it, man.” he said. “We shouldn’t be scared now. Especially not that.”

He paced a bit. I could sort of see he was worried too but I knew he didn’t realize the full extent of what was actually going on.

I ripped a pizza box open, but the futility of it all struck me. There was no point to what I was doing. I looked at him in despair.

“It’s important we don’t do anything stupid,” he said.

I couldn’t take it. I walked up the stairs to my room again, something I’d done more than 10 times that afternoon already. It was so familliar. I took off my clothes and tried to lie down. My mind was racing. My friend still hadn’t responded to my message. I knew she never would. I was stuck here forever. I looked at the time. It was moving forward. I knew it couldn’t move back. But I also knew there was no end to this. I would be making that exact same trip upstairs soon.

I’m having trouble remembering exactly what I was thinking, but it made perfect sense at the time. It was crystal clear. I was utterly, and thoroughly convinced that there was no reality. That the universe didn’t exist. The only thing that existed, the only thing that would ever exist, was my consciousness, and that my consciousness was a feedback loop. That the same thing would keep happening forever, that my life had never been anything different. I needed to get out. I was panicking. This was my reality now. I had taken shrooms and realized that nothing is real, and I would exist this way for the rest of eternity. There was no way out.

Part of it was brought on by the fact that I had lost track of what is normal. I knew logically that certain things were normal, like wearing clothes and having to pee. But it didn’t feel normal. It didn’t feel like there was a reason for these things. I only know that you should. And this was the reality of this feedback loop. It kept growing based on my memories that weren’t real. There would be feedback and things would be added to these memories but nothing was real nor would ever be.

I checked my phone again. Still no response. I no longer trusted Daniela. She wasn’t real. I knew she would tell me that everything was fine, I should just lie down and listen to calming music. But it wasn’t fine, and would never be. Why did I take shrooms? Why did I do this? Now I’ve woken up to the fact that reality doesn’t exist and I’ll never ever get out. I’ve fucked everything up. I just want to go back to the way things were. A life without this terrible realization, this terrible fact. Flipping through my phone I looked at the conversations with my family, but I knew it wasn’t real. They weren’t real. No one was real. I looked at my body and realized that all the work I’d put in at the gym was just a figment of my imagination. My perception of my body was based entirely on my memories, none of which had actually happened.

I thought of the homework I’d need to do tomorrow. It didn’t matter now. It wouldn’t matter tomorrow. Nothing mattered anymore. It felt as if whatever I did would have no consequence. The loop would continue to evolve normally no matter what I did. This was my reality now.

I needed to do something. I was so angry, scared, and frustrated. I went back downstairs. The guys were being idiots, still sitting in the living room giggling. They laughed hard when I came in, because I’d changed clothes and was now wearing a red shirt. I probably looked entirely different to them. I was so angry that they didn’t realize. Shut the fuck up, I told Brent. And you, gesturing at Kyle. He started giggling uncontrollably. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Why didn’t these hopeless fucks realize what was going on? I knew it was because they only existed in my head, just like everything else.

Except that now I was awake. I had realized.

I’ve never felt such despair. Such utter hopelessness.

I went to the kitchen, where Daniela was, who had finally put the pizzas in the oven.

“I want to get out,” I said. “I need to get out. I hate this.”

She again said the exact same reassuring things she’d said before. She asked me what I felt.

“Just shitty?” she said.

I didn’t respond for a while. What could I tell her? She doesn’t even exist except in my head, there is no point explaining. There is no point in anything.

“Yeah,” I said.

“The pizzas will be done in about 15 minutes,” she said. I knew they would never be done. She walked to the living room to the other guys and sat down.

I followed her and sat down. I watched her. She opened her laptop. Looked at Brent, and giggled at how dumb he was being. She was acting as if everything was normal. But it wasn’t fucking normal! I looked at Kyle. He had a smile on his face, was calm. I couldn’t stand it. I needed to get out. I thought about cutting myself. That would be real, right? I thought about running outside and going to places to check if they’re real. I thought about running into traffic. I knew I wasn’t supposed to. There wasn’t any use.

I caught Daniela’s gaze and she must have seen my utter despair. She took me to my room again and gave me some juice to drink. I did reluctantly. As she stood there talking to me, I thought about doing something drastic, like hitting her or kissing her. Anything to make it seem like this is real. I was convinced there would be no consequences. But I also had a very strong notion that it was wrong and I just shouldn’t. I gave in and followed her advice.

I drank the juice, and put on Bonobo. They don’t exist, I thought to myself. Pretty incredible that a figment of my imagination, that this feedback loop has created such complexity, music. That it has created all 12000+ songs in my music library.

Daniela said I should just ask if I needed anything. I laid on my bed in the darkness, with Bonobo playing. The music was familiar. I knew what sounds would play next, but that was normal. That was how it should be.

My mind was racing. And among the incredible anxiety and despair, an idea was born.

The idea was that yes, this is all there is. All I am is consciousness. Scientifically, that is the way it has always been. There is no way of knowing anything. All you are is a set of senses, and a neural network that processes information that comes through these senses. There is no way of knowing if something is “real” or not. And that’s okay, I realized. Nothing has changed. I didn’t fuck anything up. I can just keep on existing.

An incredible wave of calmness swept over me. Combined with the music and darkness, it was an incredible feeling. The anxiety and despair dissipated into thin air. I still felt as if my past didn’t exist. That I had only just come into consciousnesses, that I had only just awakened. But it was okay. Even if my memories aren’t real they will still fuel and impact my experiences today.

I found myself being curious as to what the other guys were doing. What is going to happen next?

I still felt as if nothing was real. But I also knew that it was okay.

I laid there in my bed for a long time. Curious about the outside world, whose noises had disappeared mostly. But I didn’t get up and just felt comfortable in my bed.

Eventually I did get up, and I went downstairs. Daniela was still sitting on the couch, and the other guys had calmed down. They felt real, though. Everything was real again. My existence was real. After the utter despair from earlier, I felt happy and content.

And just like that, it was over.

Ultimately, I didn’t really take anything away from it, other than the intense emotions and beautiful visual effects. I didn’t make any brilliant realizations about how life or consciousness works. However, it was still a hell of an experience. I’m just happy I didn’t do anything stupid. I don’t think I was particularly close to doing something physically harmful, but I did consider it. And I was very close to calling family and begging them to let me out. And that would have been awkward.