Teh Lerd of teh Rerng

Teh Fellowship of the Bling

A long time ago, in a universe very different from ours, there lived a Bobbit. In a hole, under a tree, he had made his home. He had many neighbors, they also lived under trees. These Bobbits lived in a large forest called Bobbiton. The reason they were called Bobbits, is because when they walk, they bob their entire body in a very odd fashion, with their legs flaying to the side, and their torso contorting in different directions than a normal human. Anyway, back on track talking about a specific Bobbit who lived under the largest tree in Bobbiton.

His name was Brobo Swaggins, and he was the richest Bobbit in Bobbiton, as a result of a very dangerous and long quest he took in his youth. He had a younger nephew who lived with him, named Yolo Swaggins. (Yolo is not a misspelled word… Wtf.) Yolo had a fairly boring life, always dreaming of adventure, and nobody to play with, because he was not part of the awkward incest family going on in the forest of Bobbiton. Everybody was related in some way shape or form. Yolo was distrusted because he came originally from a different forest, called the Briar.

Today was Brobo Swaggins 45673472nd birthday. He was very old, and quite frail, and as a result his Swagalicious bobbing which had been made famous by his richness had turned more towards flopping rather than an actual bobbing. So it was here that the wizard Gargameldalf found Brobo and Yolo. Yolo was supporting his uncle in his time of frailty as they were transported to the party grounds, where everybody was going to celebrate the miraculous amount of years Brobo has lived, especially because the average lifespan of a Bobbit is about 67 years, 3 months, 5 hours, 23 minutes, and 41 seconds.

Gargameldalf rolled up in his cart, with little child bobbits running behind him yelling, "FIREWORKS GARGAMELDALF, FIREWORKS PLS!11!" Gargameldalf looked back, flipped off the kids, and pulled a cigarette out of his jacket, lighting it with a very elaborate fire spell which involved summoning a very large firedemon called a Glagrog, having the Glagrog punch the floor, which resulted in a large amount of sparks to fly in random directions, which were then pooled and collected into a single large spark which would light the tip of the cigarette, and then dispelling the Glagrog using a black sacrament of dark magic. It took Gargameldalf twenty minutes to light his cigarette, and by the time he was done, Yolo and Brobo had left to the party.

Gargameldalf quickly caught up to them and said, "Yo guys what's up? Yolo you look pretty good. How've you been?" Yolo looked at Gargameldalf and said quietly, "Gargameldalf... You're late." Suddenly the sky turned black and Gargameldalf became very menacing and tall, and he said in a very very very very high-pitched chipmunk voice: "YOLO SWAAAAAAAGINS! I'm NEVER late! I arrive precisely when I flippin' intend, got it?" All the Bobbits at the party were frightened by the sudden and abrupt change that Gargameldalf had shown, but Brobo looked up at Gargameldalf and said, "Fuck this." He pulled out a very boring looking ring and put it on, which allowed his body, but not his clothes to disappear from view. His clothes, which appeared to be floating, began flopping away.

Gargameldalf grabbed ahold of the floating clothes and yanked the ring off of Brobo who began gnawing on Gargameldalf's hand with his stubby old-man gums. "Ew gross!" Gargameldalf exclaimed before saying in a more serious tone, "There are many bland rings of power, but this one is by far the blandest, I mean, it doesn't even turn your clothes invisible! If you want to be truly invisible you have to be fucking naked to do it! What kind of bullshit is that? This shit needs to be destroyed."

Yolo looked stunned. Never before had he heard the words 'bland' and 'naked' in the same sentence. But he regained his composure, and asked quite loudly, "But how?" Gargameldalf looked into the distance melodramatically, a lens flare flashed by his face, "By casting it into the fires… of Mount Swag!"

All of the Bobbits in the area gasped in horror! "Mount Swag?! But that place is the home of… Salamander man!" Shrieked the mayor of Bobbiton, who was married to his sister, Brobo's second cousin three times removed.

"Yes." Said Gargameldalf. "That is very true, but somebody's got to do it." He looked at Brobo with a puppy dog face. "Pls Brobo, pls." He said, begging Brobo to come on another adventure. But Brobo was asleep, he was very rarely awake for more than ten minutes at a time. Gargameldalf sighed, and looked at Yolo. "What about you Yolo? Do you wanna go on an adventure?"

Yolo strained his eyes into the distance, attempting to portray deep thought, but the massive amount of CGI and lens flares just made it look like he had to go to the bathroom really bad. After a moment, he said in a low voice. "Yes. I'll do it." As soon as he said it, all the Bobbits in the clearing began cheering, and a fat little Bobbit ran up. His name was Jerome. Jerome O'Samsa. Jerome began to say words, but he was so fat and his mouth so full of food that it just sounded like a beached whale attempting to communicate with a small child incapable of speaking.

Yolo slapped Jerome, who coincidentally happened to be Yolo's only friend. Jerome swallowed his food and then spoke in a deceptively deep and beautiful voice, "Yolo, my only friend, please, allow me to come with you and be your companion." Yolo was all like, "Dude! Gross! I'm not gay!" But Jerome was all like, "Ew dued me neither! I meant traveling companion! Gawd." Yolo nodded and placed his hand on Jerome's shoulder. "Of course I'll take you with me." Jerome tried to jump in happiness but it caused an earthquake which felled two trees, causing the destruction of two Bobbit Holes, and the trees fell on five different Bobbits, killing them then and there.

Gargameldalf took Yolo and Jerome away to a place where elves lived. Called Riverwood. I mean Whiterun. Fuck. I mean Whitewood-River-run. On the way they met a ranger by the name of Selfie. He joined Gargameldalf and the bobbits. They finally reached the place. There was a lot of people there, all who wanted to help Yolo bring the bland ring of power to Mt Swag. There was one other man, and an elf, and a dwarf, and a freakishly tall Bobbit called Mr. Telltallman. This became the Fellowship, the Fellowship of the Bling. And then the stupid elf guy was like, "Hey y'all, Selfie is really the long lost king of Glitter-Glue!" And Yolo mumbled, "That's nice dear, eat your peas."

Yolo and the Fellowship of the Bling left the Thalmor Embassy… Fuck. Whitewood-River-Ran, and went to a giant mountain. But it got very cold and a pussy named Bromomeer was like, "Dudes, we gotta go around, towards my homecity, Glitter-Glue." But the dwarf, whos name was Glimding, said, "Nah brah, we can just go under this mountain to my underground cave system, which we haven't had word from in several years!1!" Gargameldalf looked back at the fellowship dramatically. "We don't want to do that, but we can't take the bland ring of power past the tall black penis tower of Whorespank. It's up to the ring bearer to decide." He looked at Yolo. Yolo surveyed the fellowship, all huddled together in the freezing snow. "Shiiiieeeet…" He began. "I'd looove to see that big black cock tower, buuut, maybe we should use the mines." Gargameldalf mumbled. "So be it."

It was night by the time they reached a lake. It was moonlit, and beautiful, but the really really tall Bobbit started splashing around in it because he was also a little bit retarded as a result of inbreeding, and Selfie grabbed him and said with his tongue wagging, "Don't disturb the water, little boy." Gargameldalf walked up to an outline of a door, with words written in a foreign language. Yolo came up to him and asked, "What does it say, Gargameldalf?" Gargameldalf patted Yolo's shoulder and said "Please boy, call me Gargy. Also, it says 'I had sexual relations with your mother.' It's just graffiti." Yolo nodded. "So how do we get in Gargy?" Gargy started examining the door, and when he couldn't figure it out, he sat down on a tree stump next to the door.

They sat there for several hours, when the dwarf Glimding walked up after having taken a several hour long dump. He banged on the door in a rhythmic fashion and it opened. Gargy stood up with his hands in the air and his mouth open in shock and exclaimed "What the cluck, man! I've been trying to open that for hours!" Glimding just ignored him and walked inside. Gargy followed him and then the rest of the fellowship did too. Suddenly and for no reason the door collapsed and the room became very dark. "Well fuck." A voice rang out.

A light appeared, at the end of Gargy's staff. The group began to go through the mines. It took them several hours. The stress was getting to Gargy and he decided to light a cigarette. He began his elaborate fire demon summoning spell, but the very tall bobbit sneezed, and it caused Gargameldalf to say the wrong word, which caused the demon to be very aggressive towards the Fellowship. "Run!" Gargy shrieked, and the fellowship began running away.

They ran for about a mile, being chased by the giant Glagrog. They reached a bridge, and the fellowship crossed, but Gargameldalf stopped halfway through. "Stahp!" He yelled at the beast. It slowed, and stepped onto the bridge. "Dude, I'm giving you two warning, stop now. Seriously bro, this isn't cool." Gargy said to the slowly approaching fire demon. Gargameldalf began his black sacrament to dispel the demon, but it stepped forward again, and the bridge cracked under the weight, and broke. The demon fell into the nothingness below. "Oh. Alright that works too." Gargy said as he turned and began walking towards the fellowship. But then he tripped on a rock and fell off the bridge. He clung to the edge, and as Yolo began screaming, he said to the fellowship, "Eat your peas son!" Then he fell.

The fellowship found the exit and as they left the cave dungeon draugr place thing, the fellowship was saddened by the loss of Gargameldalf and dramatic music was playing. Then Selfie drew everyone together and said "K guise, we gotta leave dis place, there's gonna be a lot of orks coming because it's mating season." And the elf, whos name was Orlando Bloom-Dah-Elf, which can be shortened to Bloomdelf, said "For pity's sake, give them a moment!" Selfie shook his head. "No, we need to go to the elf place of Lost-TARDISland. It's bigger on the inside there. We should be safe from the orks mating calls."

They went to the Lost-TARDISland, and the elves there gave them gifts of power. To Selfie, the life of the elves was given because his love was there and she screwed him silly. To Orlando Bloomdelf, there were two fancy knives and a bow given. Yolo was given a light. Jerome was given a rope. Glimding was given elf hair. And the very freakishly tall bobbit whos name I'm too lazy to type was given a sword, despite his mental state which dictated he not be given any sharp objects. And then (Bromo- Bremo- Bromosomething… what was it, bromomeer? Was that it? Well I guess I'll go with Bromomeer.) Bromomeer was given nothing, because he's a big smelly willy.

The elves of Lost-TARDISland told what was left of the fellowship that they needed to go on the Universal Studios Wild River Run ride. So they gave them three boats, the Argo, the Titanic, and the USS Prometheus and the Fellowship began their journey down the Alduin River. They rafted down the river for a few hours, passing the feet of two giant copies of the Statue of Liberty.

After a long while, nightfall came and the fellowship decided to camp by the ruins of an old place called Afew Rooster. Selfie and Orlando Bloomdelf were conversing in hushed tones. "There's something following us…" Selfie said to Orlando, and Orlando replied, "I know. I can feel it in my luscious blonde hair." Jerome suddenly stood up and started yelling about something, but he was clearly high so Selfie ignored him. But then Glimding piped up and said, "Hey, Selfie, I think little Yolo is missing. And where's that faggot Bromomeer?" Selfie was all like "Oh shieet, Bromomeer's gonna try to take the bland ring from Yolo!" Selfie, Orlando, and Glimding all ran off into the woods, looking for Yolo. Jerome was left with the tall Bobbit who had just crapped his pants.

Meanwhile, Yolo was taking a relaxing walk, and Bromomeer came out of nowhere. He said to Yolo, "None of you Bobbits should be out here… Least of all you. You know, that bland ring of power… I would love to hold it for you." Bromomeer was very attracted to the idea of being able to be invisible, naked, and in a lady's changing room. He wanted to take the ring from Yolo. "No, leave me alone!" Yolo overreacted for the camera and then ran as far as he could.

Bromomeer gave chase, but he lost sight of Yolo because Yolo had a magical clock that made him invisible. Which was a stronger article of magic than the bland ring of power but nobody knew he had it. So he came to a big building part of the ruins and he started hallucinating so he fell off the top of the building. He turned his spy-watch off and then Selfie came out of the woods. "Yolo! Where… IS… THE RIIIIIIING!" Yolo started crying and was like "Why are you yelling at me?! I don't like conflict!" Selfie kneeled in front of Yolo. "Bby, dunt wurry, I'd never harm you."

Suddenly a horn sounded in the distance. Selfie snapped his head in the direction of the sound, and said, "Oh no! It's Bromomeer's pink sparkly horn of Glitter-Glue! He must be in trouble!" He pulled out his sword, and Yolo yanked his special sword that would suddenly and without warning catch on fire whenever orks were around. The sword was flaming, and Yolo looked up suddenly as orks in heat began crawling from the bushes, looking for someone to satisfy their… heatness.

Selfie ran forward and slew the three horny orks. "Yolo! Run! Get out of here! Mating season is when orks are at their most dangerous!" Yolo started running back towards the boats. Orlando Bloomdelf and Glimding came out of the forest, and the three people ran off towards the sound of the horn, which was constantly sounding at a very annoying pace, reminiscent of an alarm clock.

Bromomeer was in deep conflict with a whole lot of orks. The tall Bobbit was there too, as Jerome had fallen asleep and the Bobbit had bobbed off to find adventure. He came across Bromomeer and then a bunch of orks came out and Bromomeer started fighting them off. He killed like, fifty orks before a very large ork with a huge thingaling walked out. He came up behind Bromomeer as he fought off more orks, and with a great and powerful pelvic thrust, impaled Bromomeer through the back. Selfie arrived in time to watch a bunch of smaller orks carry off the tall Bobbit.

With a shout, Selfie ran towards the large ork, and prepared to swing his sword sword, he can swing his sword sword. Sword his diamond sword sword. But an arrow sprouted from the large orks forehead. Selfie skidded to a stop as the large ork fell to the ground. He turned towards Olrando Bloomdelf and glared at him, because the elf had stolen his kill. Glimding grumbled. "It still only counts as one!" Orlando put his hand on Selfie's shoulder. "Where is Yolo?" He asked. "He's gone off on his own. The only thing we can possibly do at all despite having two more boats is going after the tall freakish Bobbit. We can't leave him to the assured rape that will come of being an ork slave during mating season." The elf nodded. Glimding murmered to himself, "But, how do we know what happened to Jerome? What if he didn't go with Yolo? What if we're literally just leaving him here?" He shrugged and followed Selfie and Orlando Bloomdelf into the woods.

Meanwhile Yolo boarded the USS Prometheus, and Jerome awoke from his nap, lazily following Yolo into the water. He started splashing because it's hard to swim when you've just woken up, so Yolo realized that Jerome was following him. "Hey buddy! Come aboard!" He grabbed ahold of Jerome's hand and they sailed off into the sunset, singing pirate shanties.

TO BE CONTINUED