Her heart starts beating faster and faster as he thrusts his body onto hers while taking off her bra. She kisses his neck, then his lips, finally moving down his torso towards his navel — he immediately pulls down his boxers. As she starts licking his shaft and going down on his member, he grabs her hair and starts moaning in pleasure. Suddenly, he yells in pain, “Teeth … teeth!!!” She pulls off, embarrassed. This now becomes an anxious situation that is all too familiar for many couples who engage in oral sex.

It’s always been funny to me the way the word “suck” has such a negative connotation in our society. You can “suck” on a test, have a “sucky” TA, “suck” at drinking and of course, “suck” at just that — sucking. In reality, it’s not surprising the number of girls who don’t know how to give good blow jobs or guys who need pointers on eating girls out. More recently, I’ve come to realize that most people don’t know how to give good oral because men and women are built so differently. A guy who hasn’t specifically practiced oral on a girl might not know that the clitoral hood is where he should focus his licking, and some girls I’ve talked to actually think that dome should involve sucking on a penis like a vacuum — ouch! The thought itself makes me happy to be gay. On that note, I can tell you without hesitation that guys have always given me better blow jobs than girls. Looking back to my closet days — yes, there was a time when I thought myself to be straight — I didn’t even like getting head because girls would either suck too hard, squeeze my balls too vigorously or simply leave me in more pain than pleasure. Now I’m just as down for S&M as the next sex-crazed Gaucho, but pain can be really unsettling during a blow job and unless you want to turn your boyfriends gay like my first girlfriend did, you need to know what you’re doing. So here are some tips on the wonders down under, part one of a two-series column regarding oral sex: a bible of sorts on how to stop sucking at sucking.

1. Contrary to popular belief, a great blow job should entail more non-sucking “up and down” motion on the penis than anything else. I want you to take your dominant hand, make an “o,” place it to your closed mouth with your thumb touching your bottom lip, and move your head forward and backward while rotating your hand. This is exactly what you should be doing for 40-50 percent of a good blow job.

2. While doing this, use your free hand to tickle his balls or stroke his perineum, as this will intensify pleasure by stimulating the nerves all around his groin rather than just those in his dick. Note that I said tickle, not squeeze. Please, for the sake of all men, don’t squeeze — that shit sucks.

3. About every 15-20 seconds, take your mouth off of his penis and move to the base of his balls. Then, lick along the line separating his left and right nuts, up his shaft and finally to the head of his penis (see tip four). I don’t know what it is about licking the length of a man’s groin that feels so good, but it just does.

4. The head of the penis, little do many girls know, is its most sensitive region. When you want to change things up a bit, pull down his foreskin — if he has one — and swirl your mouth around the head while swishing your tongue in circles. If he’s uncut, lick the skin on the back of the head connecting it to the shaft. Uncut men actually experience more pleasure during sex because this flap of skin, called the “ridged band,” is still intact. As such, utilize it whenever possible.

5. Don’t use your teeth. Ever. No one likes it. I don’t care if Cosmo magazine brings up some cool new technique that involves nibbling his shaft — because yes, I actually read this, and the thought itself makes me shudder — just don’t do it. Tooth-to-dick scraping is easily the number one way to ruin what could’ve been great dome, so practice tucking your lips over your teeth while blowing some phallic object like a banana and know that this will really help you hone your skills.

6. Deep throat feels ridiculously good during a blow job, but not all girls can do it without gagging. I know lots of guys who think that gagging is hot, but I’m pretty sure most wouldn’t be as stoked after experiencing puke dick — yep, it’s a thing. So I’m going to let you in on a little gay man’s secret: whenever I brush my teeth, I brush the back of my tongue as well. This desensitizes that area and makes deep throating even the biggest of dicks a breeze.

7. If you want to make him come during oral, realize that it is more so the use of your hand rather than your mouth that actually builds up sexual tension in his prostate gland. Shake fast but lightly for 5-10 seconds in between blowing periods if you want him to come, but don’t ever squeeze his penis too hard, as this can be really uncomfortable.

8. When he’s about to come — something you’ll know because his abs will begin to flex rhythmically — you have to decide: spit or swallow. While most men I know, myself included, prefer when people swallow, the taste of semen can deter one from doing so. One possible solution? Ask your man to eat pineapples or sweet fruits throughout the day. It might sound weird, but sweet citrus fruits are known to give semen a sweet taste and make it much more bearable to swallow.

9. Communicate. Good sex is all about communication, and because everyone is different, find out if your man likes what you’re doing and change things up a bit if he doesn’t.

10. Make sure you get yours. While this isn’t really a tip on giving blow jobs, it’s absolutely ridiculous that some guys expect head without wanting to give it themselves. Heck, I’ve done it and I’m gay. So next time your boyfriend complains about not wanting to eat you out, tell him that if Matt Togni can do it, so can he.

All in all, the key to giving good blow jobs is knowing what does and doesn’t feel good for your man. Girls don’t have penises, so hopefully these tips will help y’all understand what guys generally do and don’t like. Be sure to talk to him about oral etiquette as well, as many girls don’t like when guys press their heads down or pull vigorously on their hair, but never actually tell their boyfriends to stop. For the men reading this, stay tuned for my next column about eating out: I just did all of you a big favor in teaching your girlfriends how to give dome, but let’s not forget that the majority of problems regarding oral sex lie in the fact that it’s you who “suck,” not them.

Matt Togni wonders what his life would be like now if his first girlfriend gave better head.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, April 2, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.

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