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In July, 35-year-old Vanessa Riley testified before the Texas lawmakers in hopes of dissuading them from enacting harsh new abortion restrictions, including a ban on abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy and requiring abortion providers to have hospital admitting privileges in case of an emergency. Despite her heartfelt efforts, they passed the legislation. Scarier yet, the Supreme Court has allowed enforcement of these laws to move forward . Riley, who had an abortion after 18 weeks of pregnancy, knows firsthand just how these laws can prevent women from getting the care they need. This is her story.

There are so many women who are pro-choice in theory. They think, "I believe in the right to choose but I've never had an abortion myself." That was me. I always was always careful and on birth control. This was never a position I was going to put myself in and then POOF. It scares me to think how many women will wind up like me.

I met Gregg, my husband, on OKCupid, in 2007. We got married six months later and stopped using birth control on our wedding night. I was 31. It took three years for us to get pregnant. Everything worked — I ovulated. My eggs were fine. All the tests came back normal. My official diagnosis was unexplained infertility. Since my insurance doesn't cover any infertility, we spent thousands of dollars before we even started the IUI process and then did three rounds before we got pregnant. The day I found out I was pregnant, I came out the bathroom crying.

We waited to get out of the first trimester before we told anyone, and I was secretly happy with every pregnancy side effect. When I got morning sickness, I was like, "Yes! I'm normal!" My mom sent me all of my old baby clothes, and I posted a picture of Gregg's and my shoes with a pair of baby shoes in between on Facebook. That was our announcement. The gender ultrasound is generally done at 20 weeks, but we decided to pay out of pocket for one at 16 weeks, so we could tell our parents whether they were getting a grandson or granddaughter as their Christmas present. Our doctor had an emergency, so the tech told us it was a girl and were just thrilled. We made a follow-up appointment with our doctor on December 26 and got copies of the ultrasound photo. I bought little pink picture frames for our parents. Both of our mothers burst into tears when they opened them.

I went to the next appointment alone with silly questions like, "Am I eating too much grapefruit?" But then the doctor said he saw disconcerting things on the ultrasound, like open neural tube defects, lemon sign, banana sign. I did not understand any of it. He finally said spina bifida and I thought, "So, she's gonna need braces, right? No big deal!" And then he said, "Most people, when they see the severity of this diagnosis, choose to terminate." I held it together until he showed me the ultrasound. I could see, clearly, that her spine was growing outside of her tiny little body. "Lemon" referred to the scalloped edges of her brain, and "banana" to the swelling. Thankfully, he let me out the back door, so I didn't have to see all the happy pregnant women waiting in the lobby. I was crying so hard, I couldn't even see where I was going. I called Gregg, and he immediately came home.

We saw a perinatologist two days later. I started filling in the paperwork but froze at, "How many times have you been pregnant? How many abortions have you had?" The doctors started asking us questions and I just stared at him. I couldn't talk. I was just in complete shock. They talked about prenatal surgery, to put the spine back inside her body, and many more surgeries, shunts, catheters when she was born. She would die without medical intervention, the doctor said. We knew what we had to do.

Ours was a three-day abortion. I was 18 weeks pregnant and our doctor promised us at that the fetus wouldn't feel any pain. Still, we asked for the shot to stop her heart to be safe. He inserted the laminaria, which are seaweed sticks, to start dilation and I don't really remember much else that day except coming home, eating pop tarts and watching Zoolander. When I finally delivered, the following day, we asked for her footprints. They're about as big as my thumb.

Most women who go through a late term abortion grieve silently. After the abortion, I just hated myself. I'd wake up in the morning, and go hide in a closet to cry because I did not want to wake Gregg up. I felt like a failure.

Then, I started reading about the abortion laws that were being put forward in Texas last July. I was furious. I said to Gregg, "Would you be OK with me going to Austin and testifying?" And he said, "Absolutely." As I got up to read my story, I looked the senators in the eye. One had placed a pair of baby shoes in front of him to remind us what we're here for. He refused to look at me while I spoke.

I am devastated that my incredibly personal and painful story did not move these politicians. These laws are widely promoted as protecting the health of women and their babies, yet they will deny those same women access to care and force medically dangerous pregnancies to be taken to term.

Some people think that 20 weeks is enough time to terminate for medical reasons. We were able to do it at 18 weeks after all, but only because we requested and paid for it. If we had waited until the 20-week ultrasound, like most women, we would have had to leave the state in order to get the procedure. We also made this choice when we were able to go to a clinic that was close by. If all but five providers shut down in Texas, how long would I have had to wait?

Supporters of the law wave flags of black-and-white morality with no thought for complicated cases like ours. I hear their war cry of "Pro-Life!" and I think of what my little girl's future would have been under these laws with two words — what life?

As told to Liz Welch.

Photo Credit: Getty Images



Liz Welch Liz Welch's writing has also appeared in Real Simple, Glamour, and the New York Times Magazine.

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