A new study reveals an overwhelming percentage of atheists are brainwashed. These so-called skeptics, humanists, and Satanists stopped submitting to the faith of their fathers only to put on the yoke of servitude to the scientific method.

The study titled The Enslavement Of Freethinkers by Professor Andrew Canard was recently published in the Journal of Crytpointelligence. Professor Canard teaches at the Theological Institute of Technology (TIT). His courses include Cryptoepistemology and Alex Jones I and II. The professor is a longtime skeptic of skeptics and their methodology:

My new study shows atheists are brainwashed by the scientific method. A full 83% of atheists take it on faith that the process of systematically testing hypotheses by vigorous methods and getting results capable of getting replicated is the best way of knowing about the world.

5,307 self-identified atheists answered questions exploring their sad and atheistically miserable lives. Even though 88% state they lead happy and fulfilled lives only .5% go to church regularly. “That’s a clear sign atheists don’t know what happiness is. How can you know if you’re spiritually fulfilled if you’re not in church regularly?” pointed out Professor Canard.

The study also explores the narrow mindedness endemic within the atheist community:

When asked if astrology is a good way of predicting the future, 80% of atheists state the age old practice is as useful as “tits on a penguin.”

Famed author and expert in particle physics and consciousness Deepak Chopra is considered by 96% of atheists as only an expert in the production and marketing of low grade hypersyllabic balogna.

Most atheists do not believe vaccines are the whole milk from the Devil’s breasts.

Professor Canard confessed there is a lot of work to be done, “We have to educate students the world can best be known through deeply felt feelings. For now we will have to deal with atheists brainwashed by the scientific method.”

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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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