Today, in GUUUUUOOHMYGODWHY, a Colorado woman attempting to send a voice text message while driving collided with a guardrail, which somehow found its way through her seat, into her upper thigh and buttocks, impaling her. Ahem, all together now: NO.

Christina Jahnz of Elizabeth, Colorado, had just dropped her daughter off at school when she realized she was running late for her next engagement. So instead of intensely speeding and dickishly weaving in and out of traffic like a normal person would, she tried to sending a voice-to-text message. She looked down to check the text before sending, but it was too late. Raw Story reports:

A pole from the guardrail reportedly pierced straight through the body of the car and into Jahnz's upper thighs and buttocks, leaving her helplessly impaled. "The next thing I knew, I was looking up, and there was white powder from the air bags deployed," she told Channel 9 News.


The paramedics had to saw through the guardrail so that she could be taken to the hospital with the pole still in her body.

"I went into surgery and I lost count of the stitches after 40. They stitched me up inside too. I'm truly a miracle. They said if it [had] gone just a little bit the other way I would have bled out," said Jahnz. Jahnz said that she hopes her story will serve as a warning to others not to text and drive. "It's devastating knowing that I could have prevented it to begin with. I just hope my story helps to save the lives of others. Don't text and drive," she said.


Okay, so it's definitely something of a miracle, but I wouldn't exactly be testing fate by saying, "I'm a miracle." But whatever—that lady's been through enough. Or I guess... enough has been through...nevermind. Anyway, be safe out there this Labor Day evening.