'Both the baby and the father have the right to know of each other's existence'

Last summer I ended up at the home of a colleague after we had both spent the night drinking at the home of another colleague.

We had been celebrating him getting a new job.

It was my idea to go to his house with him under the assumption that we would be going back to the party.

As it turned out, I ended up in his bed and woke a few times to find him on top of me.

I realised he was having sex with me but there was nothing I could do.

I felt frozen and helpless and it seemed to go on for a long time.

I got the morning after pill and visited the doctor four days later because of the pain but never reported it to the Garda although the doctor suggested I should.

I was too late taking the pill and discovered I was pregnant.

I left my job quite soon after this and gave birth to my child a couple of months ago.

I'm distraught at the moment because part of me feels my son should know his father.

But when I think about it I relive what happened that night.

I don't know if you can even help but I just had to write all of this down.

Mary replies: I am not going to go into the rights and wrongs of what happened because the details are far too sketchy for me to make a judgment. Instead, I will concentrate on where you find yourself now.

You are mother to a baby and you know the identity of the baby's father. He on the other hand has no idea that he has become a father.

Both the baby and the father have the right to know of each other's existence both now and in the future. For instance, as your child grows you may need to know of any genetic health issues.

We don't know how the father will react when he hears your story but he deserves to know.

I realise it is a huge step for you to take but you should contact him and ask to meet for a coffee as you have something to tell him. If he agrees then tell him what happened, explaining that you were late in getting the morning after pill. Offer to have a DNA test done to prove he is the father.

If he doesn't want to meet up then you should write to him. After that, it is up to him but you will feel you have done the right thing by your son.

Make sure that you have a supportive family member or friend to whom you can go immediately afterwards if you do meet up as it will no doubt be very stressful for you.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot Street, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Sunday Indo Living