We are all this CDC lady. Screenshot

Okay people, we can all relax because Dear Leader, who got his medical degree from Trump University, and Mike 'Pray It Away and Don't Talk To Me About Science' Pence are in charge of the coronavirus pandemic so what could go wrong? At a rare and yes rambling briefing that a WHO expert deemed mostly "incoherent," Trump assured the country, "We're very, very ready for this," despite considerable recent evidence that...NOT. Experts now say the #Coronavirus has affected over 80,000 people globally, with the numbers growing; in this country, the CDC has warned its spread is a question of when, calling it "inevitable." U.S. health experts put the current number of cases here at 60, including many quarantined and returned here from cruises; Fox News reports another 80 people are being monitored in New York's Nassau County. Trump has responded to the crisis like any good authoritarian regime: Declaring everything's fine and “there’s a very good chance you’re not going to die,” threatening anyone who disagrees, and furiously tweeting that, "Low ratings Fake News are doing everything possible" to make the outbreak look "as bad as possible, including panicking markets... Likewise their incompetent Do Nothing Democrat comrades are all talk, no action. USA in great shape!" - this, on a day the stock market (because what human beings?) plunged a record 1,000 points.



Thus do we find ourselves on the verge of a global pandemic with a fake, impeached President who thinks windmills cause cancer and you can nuke a hurricane, who cannot tell the truth, make informed decisions, accept scientific reality or even friggin' spell "coronavirus” - his misspelling has sparked the hugely popular, grimly hilarious hashtag #caronavirusoutbreak, as in, "Holy crap! There's also Caronavirus? I'm still trying to learn about #Coronavirus!" - and who's been idiotically gutting CDC and other vital health funds while even more idiotically confusing this epidemic with Ebola, maybe because he spent so much vitriolic time back in the day, in nearly 100 tweets over a few months, screeching about Obama's failure to address the Ebola outbreak and its thousands of possibly sick, coincidentally black people, yelling "STOP THE FLIGHTS" and "KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!" and most perfectly, given his appointment of the clueless anti-science Pence, "Obama just appointed an Ebola Czar with zero experience in the medical area and zero experience in infectious disease control. A TOTAL JOKE!", thus helpfully reminding us that he has been a total racist scumbag of a human being for a long, long time. Whew.



His meandering press briefing was variously described as a "shitshow," "dumpster fire," and "disaster," perhaps explaining why, during its tortuous duration, the stock markets again tumbled. Still, he bravely proclaimed, "There is no reason to panic, because we have done so good." “The risk to the American people remains very low,” he said. “We have had tremendous success, tremendous success, beyond what people would have thought," especially given the news that with the outbreak upon us and no money for it, he's been frantically trying to siphon off $37 million from heating assistance for poor people because at this point why not. He then proceeded with a blithe litany of lies, boasts and wildly inaccurate claims: We only have 15 coronavirus cases, with one person "pretty sick" and the others "in great shape"; John (sic) Hopkins says US preparedness is the best in the world; this is just like the flu, wash your hands and you'll be fine; amazingly the flu kills 25,000 to 69,000 people every year so how bad can this be; Ebola was much worse because "you disintegrated"; we'll have a vaccine for this "in a very quick manner" (aka perhaps 18 months); we have things "well under control and we really have done a very good job.” Even as he spoke, reports surfaced of the first known case of someone who had not been in a foreign country.

Trump also announced Mike "Rapture Fanboy" Pence as a sort of Coronavirus Czar "because he has a certain talent for this" (also conversion therapy) and "Indiana has a great health system," which during his tenure as governor saw an unprecedented HIV epidemic thanks to his refusal to provide a clean needle exchange and he's spent years trying to defund women's and other health programs, but okay. Trump then unhappily listened as CDC officials sounded a more sober note. “It’s a good time for the American public to prepare,” said one who urged people to practice basic hygiene - wash hands, cover mouth when sneezing, stay home when sick. “The trajectory of what we are looking at over the weeks and months ahead is very uncertain.” Then he returned to ranting. The markets are falling because "Democrat candidates (are) making fools of themselves." The budget cuts don't have any impact because they didn't need all those doctors and they can always hire them again. Everything's the fault of Boeing, General Motors, the Fed, the New York Times, Obama and Pelosi, though "I've been beating her routinely at everything." Tell it to Nancy, who had one of the day's most memorable moments: Asked while rushing down a hall what she thought of Trump's claim the virus is "very much under control," she spit out: “I don’t think the President knows what he’s talking about...once again.”

Note: If you want accurate information from those who do, go here.



Potentially infected passengers from Princess Cruise fly home in separate part of plane. Photo by AFP

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Praying it away so not to worry