I’m nervous to talk to her about this because she’ll likely claim she didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, and I’ll end up apologizing and nothing will change. Her self-esteem is low, she’s an alcoholic, and she has depression. I’ve read that alcoholics tend to be hypercritical of others, but sensitive to feedback of their own behaviors. I’m also sensitive to the fact that her behavior is learned — her mother is likewise critical. But I want to make sure she understands how uncomfortable it is to have your mom talk about your body critically in general, but especially in a public forum. What advice do you have for me in approaching this?

Feeling Shamed

Cheryl Strayed: I’m sorry your mother does that to you. It’s mean and it’s wrong. You don’t say whether you’ve talked to your mother in the past about her hurtful criticism of your body, but your description of the dynamic you expect tells me previous conversations of this nature have been dysfunctional and ineffective. Take note of that. You aren’t going to get the results you’re hoping for if you go in with the same mind-set as you have previously when addressing such conflicts. You can’t change what your mother says or does, but you can change what you say and do.

You write that you want your mother to understand “how uncomfortable it is” to have her “talk about your body critically,” but here’s the thing, Feeling Shamed: She already does. She wants to make you feel uncomfortable. That is her very intention. She’s using shame the way shame is used — as a weapon to compel people to do what they wouldn’t otherwise do or pay a price.

I encourage you to let go of any notion about changing your mother’s mind. Instead of imploring her to consider your feelings, protect yourself from her by setting and holding a clear boundary. Don’t beg for her compassion. Tell her you will no longer accept her behavior.

Steve Almond: Amen to all of the above. Your mother is a bully. It sounds like she grew up under the care of a bully and, as often happens, her version of love became infected by a compulsion to shame. Whatever its source, her behavior is emotionally abusive and has been for a long time.