I lost three and a half days of my life at CPAC so you didn’t have to.

I arrived Wednesday afternoon at National Harbor (a short 40-minute Uber ride from Washington DC) for CPAC. It was my first conservative political action conference and I had somehow convinced myself that this trade show with white nationalists (Faith Goldy was there but not speaking, so that’s something) would be fascinating and enlightening.

Yes, I had been warned by some of my friends that things had gotten very Trumpy at CPAC and I might need a strong stomach or some extra acid reflux medicine, but I was sure they were just being overly dramatic. Yes, America had entered a time of extreme partisanship and yes, we were a country deeply divided by the insanity of Trumpism — but surely things couldn’t possibly be as bad as people said.

A GOP “never Trump” friend warned me before I set off that the director of CPAC, Matt Schlapp (husband of White House strategic communications adviser Mercedes) had gone full-on Fox host Lou Dobbs (the president’s most vehement, most deranged cheerleader) in his defence of Trump. Still, I had no idea how devoid of rational thought CPAC really was. I did not expect to spend three and a half days living in a handful of the most paranoid GOP talking points.

The first talking point that everyone from Vice President Pence to fired White House adviser “Doctor” Sebastian Gorka kept hammering away at endlessly was that all Democrats want to turn America into Venezuela (they don’t). Gorka took it a step further when he said, “They [Democrats] want to take your pick-up truck, they want to rebuild your home, they want to take away your hamburgers. This is what Stalin dreamt about but never achieved.” It was a fascinating new scare tactic which I assume must have originated in the 2016 idea that Democrats want to take away your guns and snowballed from there.

The second favoured GOP talking point that many of the speakers hit on was that Democrats want to commit infanticide. Former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said, of late-term abortion, “By the way, it’s not live-birth abortion. It’s not infanticide. It is murder if you take the baby home and kill the baby at home, it’s murder.” The president’s large adult son (Donald Trump, Junior) said Democrats support “post-term abortions”. Post-term abortions, for those of you who are playing at home, are not a real thing.

We were lectured about the United States constitution by the National Rifle Association’s president Ollie North (who better to lecture about the constitution than the guy who was indicted on 16 felony charges for his involvement with the Iran Contra scandal?) You may also remember the NRA has had some issues with receiving money from Russia, but don’t worry too much about that.

We were lectured about values by the president’s son, who is currently living with his girlfriend after reportedly cheating on the mother of his five children.

It’s possible that the most CPAC moment of CPAC came from the president of the United States, one Donald J Trump, who spoke for over two hours on wide range of completely nonsensical topics from wall-building to his electoral college win. Trump called the Russia investigation “bullshit.” He led a spirited chant on “lock her up,” more than two years after the election. “You know, I'm totally off script right now,” he added. We could tell. It was one those endless, meandering Trump speeches where normality goes out the window — he even made fun of the southern accent of his former AG Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.

Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Show all 23 1 /23 Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Joe Biden The former vice president - poised to be a frontrunner - has announced his run. He recently faced scrutiny for inappropriate touching of women, but was thought to deal with the criticism well AFP/Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Bernie Sanders The 2016 runner-up has announced that he will be running again in 2020 Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Hillary Clinton The 2016 Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State says she is “still considering” whether she will run again. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Pete Buttigieg The Indiana mayor and war veteran will be running for president. If elected, he would be the first openly LGBT+ president in American history. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Kamala Harris The former California attorney general will be running for president in 2020. Introduced to the national stage during Jeff Sessions’ testimony, she has endorsed Medicare-for-all and proposed a major tax-credit for the middle class. AP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Elizabeth Warren The Massachusetts Senator has formally launched her bid for president in 2020. A progressive Democrat, she is a major supporter of regulating Wall Street. AP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Beto O’Rourke The former Texas congressman told Oprah Winfrey that he “has been thinking about running for presidency”, but stopped short of formally announcing his bid to run in 2020. AFP/Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Wayne Messam Mayor of the city of Miramar in the Miami metropolitan area, Wayne Messam has announced his bid. He intends to run on a progressive platform against the "broken" federal government. He favours gun regulations and was a signatory to a letter from some 400 mayors condemning President Trump's withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord. Vice News Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Kirsten Gillibrand The New York Senator formally announced her presidential bid in January, saying that “healthcare should be a right, not a privilege.” Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Cory Booker The New Jersey Senator has announced that he will be running for the presidency in 2020. If he secures the nomination he said finding a female vice president would be a priority. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? John Delaney The Maryland congressman was the first to launch his bid for presidency, making the announcement in 2017. AP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Julian Castro The former San Antonio mayor announced his candidacy in January and said that his running has a “special meaning” for the Latino community in the US. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Tulsi Gabbard The Hawaii congresswoman announced her candidacy in January, but is likely to face tough questions on her past comments on LGBT+ rights and her stance on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Andrew Yang The entrepreneur has announced his presidential candidacy, and has pledged that he would introduce a universal basic income of $1,000 a month to every American over the age of 18. AFP/Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Marianne Williamson The author and spiritual advisor has announced her intention to run for president. She had previously run for congress as an independent in 2014 but was unsuccessful. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? John Kerry The former secretary of state has said he is still thinking about whether to run. Getty Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Michael Bloomberg The entrepreneur and former New York mayor– with a net worth of around $50bn – has said he will decide by the end of February whether to seek the presidency. AFP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Howard Schultz Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has not yet ruled out running for president in 2020, despite criticism that his bid could help re-elect Mr Trump by dividing the Democrat vote. AP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Eric Holder The former attorney general has said he will decide in “the next month or so” whether to run as a 2020 presidential candidate. AP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Eric Swalwell The California congressman said he is “ready to do this” and will decide before April whether to run. MSNBC Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Terry McAuliffe The former Virginia governor, who worked to elect Democratic governors during 2018 midterms, said there was a “50 per cent” chance he would run. AP Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Sherrod Brown The Ohio senator is still undecided about whether to run for president in 2020. Who could be running against Trump in 2020? Mitch Landrieu The former New Orleans mayor said he doesn’t think he will run for president, but “never say never”. AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

In other words, I spent three and a half days sitting in an enormous auditorium in Maryland, listening to a smouldering ash heap of Trumpian shills who constitute what is left of the Republican party. Conspiracy theories were batted about, Democrats were accused of doing many immoral and fictional things, there was talk of Hillary Clinton’s emails — but in the end I couldn’t shake the feeling that Republicans were actually really scared.

When CPAC head Matt Schlapp introduced Donald Trump, he said several times that the main room was standing-room only, which was sort of true as they had opened a standing section, but the area was not at capacity and the overflow room was almost empty. Then there was the crowd itself, which seemed kind of sleepy. A feeling of “Jeb Bush’s famous low energy” permeated the gathering and the speakers seemed enraged but at the same time weirdly helpless.