"Men are pathetic garbage," a friend of mine texts me after finding out their noncommittal ex-whatever lied about seeing other people.

"I expected better of him, but then again I'm not surprised at all," I respond, also feeling wounded from my split with my most recent ex-whatever, ex-thing, ex-hanging-out-and-fucking-all-the-time-but-let's-not-call-it-a-relationship.

Since my first kiss, I've been slowly, painfully drowning in the unbearably polluted sea of Millennial hookup culture. Submerged in the era of "seeing someone" but never dating, driving myself insane coming up with reasons why every damn guy I end up liking won't commit, or rather, can't commit. Between the ages of 14 and 17, I would cry every night about being single. This is surely my own problem — we don't have to get into my intimacy issues here — but it feels bigger than that too. I see the same patterns played out in my friends' lives. The unwillingness to commit seems embedded in the culture of middle-class, college-educated Millennials.

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I hate when ppl say "men r dogs" bc dogs are extremely loyal creatures and are down to commit to u — eve peyser (@evepeyser) January 31, 2016

Our networks are forever expanding. There's never been more choice when it comes to dating: Tinder, 3nder , Bumble, Hinge, Happn, work, school, mutual friends, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, bars, parties, gatherings, Xbox live, Pokémon Go, OkCupid, Match, eHarmony, fan fiction message boards, conventions. And it's no coincidence that such tremendous choice can leave us paralyzed.

Men, however, have the upper hand when it comes to making romantic choices. Because as much as I don't want to admit it to myself, there is quite literally a "man deficit." College-educated straight women looking to date similarly educated men have a very hard time finding a mate: One-third more women than men have college degrees. In The Daily Beast, Emily Shire explains the argument financial reporter Jon Birger makes in about the dating gap,

The gap's impact on dating for straight, single women is exacerbated ... because men with college degrees are consciously or subconsciously aware that they are in scarce supply. They take advantage of their rarefied status by holding off settling down and enjoying the market of riches.

Applying economic principles to matters of the heart doesn't sit well with me because human emotion is far more complex than statistics. From my experiences and observations as a single woman in New York City, Birger is right. And I want to know why my amazing, beautiful, and talented straight female friends are forever casually dating and subsequently getting their hearts broken by a bunch of — excuse me for editorializing — whiny ass softboys who can't commit.

I'm aware that fear of commitment is not a man's problem; it's a people problem. Chances are, even you have felt those pangs of fear at the beginning of a new romance, the anxiety of the person you're fucking wanting to be more serious than you want to be. "Across age and gender, I see a wide variety of ways people struggle with the intimacy and vulnerability that comes with committing to a long term relationship," licensed social worker and psychotherapist Cate Desjardins tells me.

Because of gender roles — in many ways, a woman's worth is still determined by her relationship status — and the man deficit crisis we're currently facing, I wanted to explore it culturally through the personal experiences of straight men. So I decided to ask. Five Millennial men (with varying degrees of self-awareness) explained to me why they have so much trouble with commitment.

"THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE"

Joe* — a 22-year-old man who identifies as being afraid of commitment — attributes his phobia to "the illusion of choice" and growing up in New York City, where women outnumber men. "Instead of fighting with [whoever I'm seeing] and working it out," he explains to me, "maybe it's better to just break up and find someone who you won't fight with." This is a stance women are less likely to take when dating because that whole "finding someone else" thing is way harder for us. As of 2014, the United States population is 51 percent women and 49 percent men. While a 2 percent difference might seem minor, there are approximately 6.5 million more women than men in the US. Joe doesn't have "the illusion of choice;" he really does have a lot more options.

Still, statistics don't really explain — or at least not satisfyingly so — why my last three ex-whatevers never wanted to make the leap into coupledom. (Arguably no answer to such questions will satisfy me.) But actually talking to men like Joe, men who are open about their fear of commitment, could offer a somewhat more fulfilling answer. You don't have to fall victim to statistics; instead, you can fall victim to the twisted psychology of select Millennial men that reflect a larger pattern in our culture. (LOL!)

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

Jonathan*, 29, tells me a big part of his commitment-phobia is due to really bad relationships he's had. "The woman I dated for two years broke up with me over AIM on my birthday," he tells me. "She ended up dating my then-current roommate of three years, like, three months later. They're married now." He's grown wary of commitment because "once you've been on so many dates over the years, it honestly becomes hard to tell if someone is even going to be a long-term match anymore," which is entirely understandable, but also pretty self-defeating.

Todd*, 23, tells me the reason he doesn't commit is because he can't get himself to sincerely believe that "someone will like [him] for more than just a short-term sexual encounter." His fear of his partner's fear of commitment fuels his own fear. Cate Desjardins explains, "Fear of abandonment and fear of commitment are not necessarily two distinct things but really different aspects of the same issue: insecure attachment," she tells me. People develop insecure attachment when they repeatedly have relationships that are "unstable, inconsistent, unpredictable, or otherwise unsafe." Basically, Desjardins affirms something we probably already know: people fear commitment in relationships because of their past trauma.

"LOSING TIME"

George*, 23, tells me his last relationship ended because his ex was too emotionally demanding. He says this is a pattern: He often — without being conscious of it in the moment, he tells me — misleads the women he dates into thinking that perhaps what they have could turn into a relationship because he aspires to possess the emotional capacity for something more serious. After consistently hooking up with a woman for either a few weeks or months, George begins to feel like the relationship "is taking [time] away from [his] other responsibilities." He, in short, values his friends, family, and career more than he values a potential relationship; that's what he wants to invest his time in. "I tend to quickly become emotionally unattached and push them away," he explains. "This has always ended terribly."

Not wanting to "lose time" is frequently cited as the reason men don't want to commit. Phil*, 25, explains, "What if this thing ends up being wrong and I've lost X number of years doing it?"

I'm intrigued by this idea of "wasting time" in relationships because it seems like a much bigger "waste of time" to have a string of half-assed uncommitted relationships. Obviously these fears are not necessarily rational, but evaluating whether relationships are worth having using the metric of time seems painfully futile.

Christopher*, 27, puts it another way, "Commitment [is] a weird human construct; I find the risks insurmountable. What if I'm with someone for 50 years, and then she meets someone else? Not only will I have wasted 50 years, I'll look stupid for letting her pull one over on me." Christopher's fear of wasting his time is entwined with what he identifies as his "broad streak of bitter misogyny."

"I know I've hurt women by being sweet and affectionate while 'secretly' not intending to be their boyfriend/husband/feudal lord," Christopher tells me. "Though I also feel bad about it."

In fact, Christopher feels angry for the ways in which he's been "shamed" for his commitment-phobia. Explaining the origin of his misogynistic fear of commitment, he tells me he was bullied by "mean girls" in school who called him a "lame, gay nerd." When he started kissing girls — disproving their gay nerd theory — these alleged "mean girls" changed their tune, calling him a slut. While Christopher tells me that his therapist connects his commitment-phobia to other elements of his childhood, he says he "prefer[s] to think it's just the slut-shaming."

Desjardins tells me this fear of wasting time is another manifestation of insecure attachment. People like Christopher who have a history of relationships where they are made to feel "unlovable or repeatedly rejected" are more likely to have anxiety about losing time. After all, a committed relationship is a huge risk if you think it's going to end with you being abandoned or rejected.

Still, what does it even mean to waste your time versus not waste your time? We get to decide whether our experiences have value, and even if a relationship doesn't last, it doesn't mean you wasted time. Chances are you learned something. You grew in some way. Something unique and important happened in your life. Nothing is forever.

My ex-whatever once asked me if I wished I could Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind our relationship — a sci-fi movie where a couple erases their memories of each other after a bad breakup. At the time I said yes, but fuck that. Failed relationships have value, even if it comes along with heartbreak and anger. At the very least, you learn something about how to be with someone else, about who you are and what you want.

IS COMMITMENT-PHOBIA A "PROBLEM"?

The women I've spoken to — the ones who are usually on the receiving end of this commitment-phobia — generally view this pattern of behavior as a problem. But most of the men I interviewed had a different take. Joe told me that he doesn't view his fear of commitment as an issue but instead wants to work on being "honest and straightforward with the women" hooks up with. "That way there is no misunderstanding," he explains.

Christopher, unsurprisingly, doesn't view his unwillingness to commit as an issue. Instead, he fears settling down and reaching the point where he throws in the towel and says, "I'm too tired to go out anyway, stay with this old bag the rest of my life, and think about younger women during the sex we don't have." While Christopher's analysis of his issues with women is, in his words, bitterly misogynistic, he's certain about the type of commitment-free life he intends to lead. It's not like imposing a committed relationship onto him will "solve" anything; he's just not cut out for that boyfriend/husband life.

The rest of my interviewees — except for sweet Jonathan! — effectively told me that while they would love a long-term relationship, they're not interested in actually changing their behavior. Rather, it seems like they're waiting around for the woman who will inspire them to act differently. And that's legit! The men I interviewed are in their early and mid-20s, perhaps they're just not ready. The average age of marriage for people in the U.S. is steadily increasing. According to the 2015 Census, it's 27 for women and 29 for men. The way our culture understands sex and commitment has evolved. And in the era of Tinder, you don't need a girlfriend to get laid.

Desjardins tells me that she doesn't believe Millennial hookup culture is the cause of commitment-phobia; instead, it's "the newest sort of symptom or manifestation" of a much older problem: the conflict between our fundamental desire for closeness and intimacy and our natural fear of vulnerability.

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Let's FUCK…

F ace our fear of commitment

U nderstand eachother’s needs

C are deeply for one another

K ill all of our enemies — Summer Anne Burton (@summeranne) May 24, 2016

People might be less willing to settle down, but that doesn't mean they don't want closeness and intimacy. A method we've figured out to reconcile our desire of closeness and intimacy with our fear of abandonment is through casual hookups. Desjardins has found with her patients that "people, without always being aware of it, will pursue a hookup to feel close with someone, and then end up feeling lonelier than before because the hookup was temporary or not fulfilling the emotional needs."

Hookup culture might've been born out of our fundamental need for intimacy and fear of vulnerability, but it is surely not the solution for everyone. Still, one study conducted by Saint Mary's University in Halifax asked 475 Millennials — a mix of people who have friends with benefits, date casually, date exclusively, or are engaged or married — how satisfied they were in their relationships. People across relationship types reported similar levels of satisfaction. So perhaps the grass is always greener?

So instead of viewing some Millennial fear of commitment as a problem that needs to be solved, it's more useful to investigate these issues as a reality of human existence. It isn't solely the fault of a "man deficit," anyone's fucked-up childhood, or Millennial hookup culture. Commitment-phobia in both men and women is destined to be around forever; in the meanwhile, let's commit to being more introspective, and most of all, treating the people who we fuck with respect regardless of how serious the relationship is.

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Eve Peyser Eve Peyser is a writer from New York City whose work has been featured in The New York Times, VICE, Rolling Stone, and New York Magazine.

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