WASHINGTON – Utah Senator Orrin Hatch expressed dismay today of kids skateboarding on the sidewalk outside his apartment in Washington D.C.

“Darn kids always skateboardin’ on the sidewalk!” he stammered in his apartment in the Carver section of Washington, leering out the window. “Dag nammit!”

Mr. Hatch is the senior US Senator from Utah and President pro-tempore of the Senate. He eats applesauce and pineapple slices for dinner, with a slice of ham when he’s behaved well that day and voted for his tax cuts.

Still, Mr. Hatch does not approve of the eleven-year-olds skateboarding on the sidewalk outside his apartment.

“Darn flabbit kids. They should get jobs!”

Mr. Hatch’s office did not respond to questions clarifying his opposition to child labor.

Oliver Twist contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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