San Francisco, CA – After learning that the special prosecutor’s investigation failed to tie President Trump to Russian collusion, obstruction of justice, corporate tax fraud, depraved sexual behavior, or just being a total jerk with smaller-than-average hands, social media manager Harlan Mortensen told confidants that he may have “jumped the gun” on his decision to get Robert Mueller’s face tattooed across his stomach. Coworkers close to Mortensen describe him as “completely shocked” that the report hasn’t led to Trump’s immediate impeachment, a reversal of the 2016 election results, the arrest of every single Republican, and a declaration of war with Russia.

Since the report’s release, Mortensen has been unable to focus on his work, instead studying recent photos of Mueller to figure out if he’s been sending out secret signs that North Korea has taken his family hostage.

“I guess it was naive of me to think that this massive government conspiracy to protect Trump couldn’t have also compromised Mueller’s investigation,” Mortensen said. “It was stupid of me to waste so much time putting my faith in one man when I could have been spending that time on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez instead.

“Also, there’s still so much that remains unanswered: what about Wikileaks? What about Jared’s ties to Saudi Arabia? Why wasn’t Eric Trump interviewed by Mueller? We need to get to the bottom of all these very valid questions that I read about daily on Reddit for the past two years.”

Despite Mortensen’s remorse about Mueller, he remains satisfied in his decision to tattoo “PRESIDENT BETO 2020 – 2028” across his chest.

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