I thought polyamory would be no-strings fun. Now I’m in three relationships Jake, 37, thought polyamory might mean casual hook-ups. Instead, he found love and stability

Jake, 37, is an office worker who lives in the US. Here he talks to Poorna Bell about navigating the complexities of polyamory

I’m in a loving relationship with three different women. I’ve been with Ellie for seven years, Cyn for six years and Kayla for two.

I used to be monogamous but after a break-up in 2010 with a long-term partner, I wanted to explore my kinky side. I soon found FetLife, a website that’s a bit like Facebook for kinky people.

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It was an overwhelmingly positive experience for me and I started to question the relationship norms I had previously taken for granted.

I wanted casual fun

My first exposure to polyamory came at a group meeting that I went to thinking it might be a good place to meet a woman for no-strings fun. But listening to people talk about their relationships made me realise polyamory isn’t always about hooking up with anyone and everyone.

Proper scheduling is really important because you have to be mindful of giving adequate time and attention to everyone involved. Polyamory usually requires constant communication and a fair amount of diplomacy.

I didn’t know all of this at the beginning though, and my first few experiences being in polyamorous relationships were short-lived.

It wasn’t so much the polyamory that was the problem (although this did take some getting adjusting to), but the relationships themselves. Dating a polyamorous person has many of the same issues with dating a monogamous person, and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You date someone, you see if your personalities click, and often it doesn’t.

I met Ellie – and her husband

Eventually, I met Ellie via OkCupid in 2011. Ellie was married – her husband Nahli was okay with her dating other people – and although it was meant to be casual, within months, we fell in love.

It was strange at first sharing a woman I loved with someone else. I’m not a jealous person, but there were a few times I worried, especially because they had been married for nearly a decade.

‘When Ellie and I get into an argument, Nahli often acted as a referee’

But Nahli is one of the nicest, most easy-going people I’ve ever met. I realised that this wasn’t a competition and that each of us brought something different to the table. He’s a godsend – when Ellie and I get into an argument, he’s often acted as a referee. Likewise, when those two have had trouble, I’ve stepped in to lend a hand.

Not long after I met Ellie, I met Cyn at a FetLife meet-and-greet event at a local restaurant. She had a warm, welcoming personality and I immediately took a liking to her. Her boyfriend wasn’t okay with her having sex with other people, but she said we could see each other minus the sex.

Cyn is polyamorous, but her boyfriend largely wasn’t and the two of them really struggled with this.

I’ve seen other examples of this sort of mono-poly relationship before, and it often ends badly. This is an incompatibility that is difficult to work around, and it usually ends up with one or both people miserable.

‘Kayla identifies as asexual, and her sex drive is virtually non-existent’

But, to her boyfriend’s credit, he gradually softened and eventually decided he was okay with Cyn and I fully exploring our relationship. She’s still with him today, but I don’t have the same relationship with him as I do with Nahli. He prefers to compartmentalise and doesn’t have much of an interest in maintaining any sort of friendship with me.

In 2016, I met Kayla on OkCupid because I was still casually dating other people in the middle of all of this. Kayla identifies as asexual, and her sex drive is virtually non-existent.

In the time when we’re not together, we still maintain the relationship via text and a Discord group chatroom that Ellie, Cyn, and Kayla and I all share.

A stable routine – of sorts

These days, everything has settled into a stable routine of sorts that works fairly well for everyone. Every now and then, the four of us (and sometimes Nahli) will schedule group days where we all hang out at home or go to a movie.

I have an Ellie week, and then a non-Ellie week. During the Ellie week, she stays with me. After that, she goes back to her home with Nahli. During the non-Ellie week, I schedule time with Cyn and Kayla based on their availability, usually splitting the weekend between the two of them.

These aren’t casual relationships; I love these three women, and that means that I’m constantly trying to check to make sure they’re doing okay

There is a certain amount of worrying that goes into it. These aren’t casual relationships; I love these three women, and that means that I’m constantly trying to check to make sure they’re doing okay and not feeling neglected.

Polyamorous relationships are a lot of work. In some ways, every time you add a new relationship on top of an existing relationship, you are doubling the work. Everything you have to do to maintain the relationship with one person, you now have to do with the second person, and you also need to try to maintain things between those two partners.

If Ellie and Cyn have conflicting wants, or if Kayla and Cyn have an argument, that affects me, even if I’m not directly involved, because I love and care about both of them.

Respecting rules

Boundaries are also important, especially around cheating. I’m sure a lot of people think that you can’t cheat in polyamorous relationships because you can sleep with multiple people, but it’s breaking the agreement you’ve made with your partners.

The rules we follow include things like not keeping secrets from each other, making sure to share STI test results with any new partner (and passing on that information to each other) before becoming sexually involved with them, and trying to respect each others’ alone time with other partners.

‘We live in a fairly liberal city, but even so, we’re careful not to talk about this stuff at our respective jobs for fear of causing friction there’

Aside from dealing with scheduling and occasional disagreements, probably the biggest downside is the stigma against polyamory in our society. We live in a fairly liberal city, but even so, we’re careful not to talk about this stuff at our respective jobs for fear of causing friction there.

On balance, it takes a lot of work, but I have an incredible amount of love in my life as a result of it – I wouldn’t change that for anything.