Part 1: Teething Trouble

“I’ve got another winner for you, Stace. You’ll love this!” Carla laughed, trying to hide the irritation in her voice. “This guy has applied for six different positions, one of them being ‘Senior Marketing Executive’, and another ‘Email Marketing Intern’. What do you think, have we struck gold on this one?”

Stacey’s eyes, just about visible over the top of her black computer monitor, narrowed slightly. Tuesdays. They’re like the wet ring left over from the steaming mug of nightmares that is Monday.

“Jesus Christ. I would love to understand the thought process that is responsible for this kind of bullsh*t. How exactly do these people expect us to react?”

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been employed before. Heck, you’re probably employed right now! And if you’re not, you’re definitely looking to become employed again very soon.

You’ve done everything by the book; you spent hours slaving over your MS Word CV, desperately switching between various fonts and bullet point styles until your retinas threatened to detach in protest. You’ve written a cover letter (maybe even a custom one for every company you apply to, if you’re fancy), and you’ve definitely filled out enough buggy online application forms to last you a lifetime. Sometimes even for jobs you never knew you wanted. Customer Configuration Officer? ….Sure, why not. Sounds fine.

So what’s going wrong? How come you only make it to interview stage for about 15% of the positions you apply for? You’re no Elon Musk, but you’re not a bad person. You shower, you’re literate, you can even google some basic Excel formulas when the occasion calls for it. Damnit, you’re a catch, and anything you don’t already know you are more than willing to learn. So, what is it about your application that seems to make every HR employee in the world grit their teeth, clench their bowels, and click “reject”? Let’s find out.