KANSAS CITY, MO—Prancing into the office like he didn’t just drink eight beers and something called the “Santa’s special” the very night before, sources confirmed Friday that their hungover coworker Justin Davis was a little too functional the morning after their company’s holiday party not to be an alcoholic. “Just eight hours ago, I saw Justin slam a couple shots of tequila, and now, he’s showing up to work almost an hour early with donuts for everyone,” said officemate Alyssa Woolas, adding that Justin, who had visibly bloodshot eyes, a low, raspy voice, and no memory of how he got home last night, was somehow just as productive now as he was on a normal workday. “Look. I love Justin, and I had a really fun time drinking with him, but I woke up with a pounding headache, still wearing my clothes from the night before. For him to go to bed at 3 a.m., wake up at 7 a.m., and then take the stairs up to our sixth-floor office must mean this is a little too much of a regular thing.” At press time, office sources told reporters that after nearly 12 straight hours of partying, the reason Justin was so chipper was because he was still drunk.

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