Looking back on it now it seems like I should have known better, but I swear, when Jebadiah said I oughta go get in the truck I thought he said we were going to go join someone called “armed Melissa.” I figured he meant Melissa from down the road, not a dang militia.

Like a lot of us, she’s an open carry advocate, and she’s recently divorced, so I thought, you know, maybe Jebadiah’s fixing me up with her. She’s not what you’d call a classical beauty, in the sense of a Raphael painting or nothing, but I’m not exactly Burt Reynolds either, you know. Except for the mustache a’course.

Anyway, I end up at a bird sanctuary, of all places, holding my dang rifle and there ain’t a Melissa of any kind to be seen, open carry advocate or otherwise. So I says, “Well y’all at least have some snacks and warm socks right?”

I mean, I’m as much for being a patriot as anyone is, but I do get hungry and my tootsies do get cold of a morning. Ol’ Jebadiah looks at me like I’m bringing up a sore subject. Mumbled something about posting on Facebook about it. What in the hell’s that good for?

Anyway, damn it to tarnation, I don’t want anyone to say I’m not a patriot or whatever, but I’d also kind of like to have a beer with Melissa maybe and forget all this shit altogether.