"Wag the Dog", production draft, by David Mamet WAG THE DOG by David Mamet 10/14/96 FADE IN: A CARD, WHITE ON THE BLACK SCREEN, READS: Why does a dog wag its tail? BENEATH IT, THE NEXT LINE FADES IN: Because a dog is smarter than its tail. CROSS-FADE TO THE NEXT CARD, WHICH READS: If the tail were smarter, the tail would wag the dog. DISSOLVE FADE IN: EXT THE WHITE HOUSE NIGHT A VAN FULL OF PEOPLE STOPS AT A SIDE ENTRANCE. ANGLE INT THE WHITE HOUSE AT THE SIDE, UTILITY ENTRANCE, WE SEE THE DISGORGING WORKING-CLASS MEN AND WOMEN, THEY PASS THROUGH SECURITY SCREENING IN THE B.G., THROUGH METAL DETECTORS, AND PAST SEVERAL GUARDS WHO CHECK THE PHOTO-I.D.'S AROUND THEIR NECKS. ANGLE INT THE WHITE HOUSE WILFRED AMES , AND AMY CAIN , A BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES, WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR, LOOKING WORRIED. ANGLE AMES AND CAIN AMES AND CAIN HAVE STOPPED AT THE END OF THE HALL. BEYOND THEM WE SEE THE CLEANING PEOPLE COMING IN FROM THE VAN, AND BEING CLEARED THROUGH A METAL DETECTOR INTO A HOLDING AREA, AND HANDED CLEANING MATERIALS, MOPS, VACUUMS, ET CETERA, BY A TYPE HOLDING A CLIPBOARD. PART OF THE GROUP, A MAN IN HIS FORTIES, IN A RATTY JACKET, OPEN COLLARED SHIRT, PASSES THROUGH THE GROUP, AND IS STOPPED BY A SECRET SERVICEMAN WHO APPEARS NEXT TO AMES. IN THE B.G. WE SEE A TV IN AN ADJACENT ROOM, SHOWING A POLITICAL COMMERCIAL. AMES (TO SECRET SERVICEMAN) ...That's him. AMES MOVES OUT OF THE SHOT. LEAVING US ON THE POLITICAL COMMERCIAL. WE SEE TWO BUSINESS PEOPLE ON THE PLANE, A MAN AND A WOMAN. BUSINESSMAN Well, all I know, you don't change horses in the middle of the stream. BUSINESSWOMAN "Don't change Horses," well, there's a lot of truth in that. THE IMAGE SHIFTS TO A PRESIDENT, DOING PRESIDENTIAL THINGS. AND THE VOICE- OVER. VOICE-OVER For Peace, prosperity, for all of us: Don't change Horses in... ANGLE A CORRIDOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE, AS AMES AND THE MAN IN THE RATTY JACKET (BREAN) WALK HURRIEDLY. AMES FINISHES ONE CIGARETTE AND USES THE BUTT TO LIGHT A FRESH ONE. THEY PASS BY A LARGE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE BACK OF A MAN, BENDING TO SHAKE HANDS WITH ONE OF A LINE OF GIRLSCOUTS. AMES GLANCES UP AT THE PHOTOGRAPH AND SHAKES HIS HEAD DEJECTEDLY. INT WHITE HOUSE "SITUATION" ROOM. NIGHT. A WOMAN WITH A STENOPAD, ARRANGING PADS AND PENCILS AT A SMALL CONFERENCE TABLE. A SECRET SERVICE TYPE PUTS HIS HEAD IN THE ROOM, AND BOWS OUT, AND NODS, BREAN AND AMES ENTER HURRIEDLY. AMES We're going to... HE STOPS TALKING AS A WHITE HOUSE WAITER ENTERS WITH A TRAY WITH COFFEE THINGS ON IT, FOLLOWED BY TWO YOUNG AIDES, SLEEPY AND DISHEVELLED, WHO ENTER QUICKLY, AND APOLOGIES UNUTTERED, SIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES SMALL. BREAN MAKES A LITTLE GESTURE AT THE WAITER, WHO IS SETTING OUT THE COFFEE, AND AT THE STENOGRAPHER, MEANING "GET THEM OUT OF HERE." AMES Thank you, that'll be all. THE STENOGRAPHER AND THE WAITER LEAVE BREAN (OF THE TWO STAFFERS) Who we got here...? AMES John Levy, Staff, and Amy Cain, Press Off.... BREAN Alright. Look here, any of you kids hear in this room: what you hear here, what you say here, what you do here, f'it got out, you leaked it. (TO AMES) Tell'em what they need to know. AMES When it broke, he said one word: get me Ronnie Brean. BREAN (NODS) Well. Alright. What is it? What's, he, uh...? He had an Illegal Immigrant, was his Gardener, some years back...? (SMILES) What's the thing? You people get ahead, you sure get nervous. AN AIDE ENTERS, WITH SEVERAL TYPED SHEETS, WHICH SHE HANDS TO CAIN. CAIN READS TO HERSELF, PASSES THEM TO AMES. BREAN (CON'T) ...he made a pass at some Secretary, back in... AMES TAKES THE SHEETS, AND READS. GESTURES TO BREAN, "ONE MOMENT, PLEASE." ANGLE INS. THE SHEET, WHICH AMES HOLDS. IT READS: AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES I REGRET THAT PERSONAL INCAPACITY HAS RENDERED ME MOMENTARILY UNABLE TO CONFRONT AND CORRECT.... ANGLE BREAN LOOKING ON, AS AMES READS, AND SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY. BREAN TAKES THE SHEETS. ANGLE INS. READING OVER BREAN'S SHOULDERS: 1.) Statutory Rape. 2.) The President's long-documented mental problems 3.) Brought about by reaction to Drugs to control flu...? ANGLE AMES READING OVER BREAN'S SHOULDER. AMES ...did he have the flu...? CAIN It can be documented that he displayed the... BREAN LAYS DOWN THE SHEET SOMBERLY, EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM. BREAN This ain't the illegal immigrant Nanny. CAIN There was a group of Girlscouts here from Indiana last month. One of them expressed an interest in a Frederick Remington bust. The president took her into the oval Office, for a period... AMES Three minutes. It couldn't have been over three minutes, the Secret Service... BREAN GESTURES HIM TO BE QUIET. BREAN Okay. And she's alleging...? CAIN GESTURES BREAN TO KEEP READING THE SHEETS IN FRONT OF HIM. HE DOES SO. PAUSE. TO HIMSELF. BREAN (CON'T) Jesus, Mary and Joseph. AMES We are virtually certain it isn't... BREAN Who's got the story? (PAUSE) AMES Don't you want to know if it's true? BREAN What difference does it make if it's true? (PAUSE) It's a story , and, it breaks they're gonna have to run with it -- How long've we got til it breaks? (PAUSE) AMES Front page. Washington Post. Tomorrow. BREAN Well, yeah. Now. That's not good. Okay : (PAUSE) Okay . We'll set up the War Room Here ... AN AIDE BRINGS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE. BREAN Thank you. Now: where is he? LEVY China. BREAN When's he coming back...? LEVY Touchdown, Andrews, fourteen hundred, today. BREAN TAKES A NOTEBOOK OUT OF HIS POCKET, AND LOOKS AT IT. BREAN (AS HE READS FROM HIS NOTEBOOK) Alright, now, here: he stays on the ground in China til Tomorrow. CAIN ...why? BREAN ...you the Press Office? CAIN ...Yes. BREAN (SHRUGS) Earn your money. ...He's ill, the Plane is sick... CAIN (MAKING NOTES) ...Good... AMES When do we bring'em back? BREAN You gotta give me a day. I need a day. (PAUSE) He's sick, get it out now . Get him on the phone'n tell him how sick he is. We got to get it out before the story breaks, so we aren't quote, responding to it. Issue is as a bulletin. He's got some rare strain of... AMES It won't hold. BREAN All I need is the one day. AMES It won't even hold the one day, Ronnie -- BREAN Yes -- It will... Now: why is the President in China? LEVY Trade Re1ations. BREAN You're goddamn right. And it's got nothing to do with the B-2 Bomber. (PAUSE) LEVY There is no B-2 Bomber, BREAN That's what I'm telling you. (PAUSE. HE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH.) The two things: the two things: Rare strain of flu, No Cause to Be Alarmed. And the B-2 Bomber... (TO AIDES) Clear me a space. Get me a copy, go rob one, get it off the computer, Wash Post, N.Y. TIMES , AIDE You want some research, flu? Side-effects of medi.... BREAN Naw, we can't play this one catch-up. That's how long since you stopped beating the wife. We have to... AMES We're going to have to explain away the... BREAN They caught him in the closet with a Girlscout. Side- effects of a pill ain't gone trump that. You have to keep'em guessing for (HE GLANCES AT THE CALENDAR) Two weeks. You don't have to Cure Cancer, Pal, you just have to give them something more interesting than... CAIN What's more interesting than boffing the girlscout? BREAN Well, that's what we're doing here... BREAN IS SUNK IN THOUGHT. AN AIDE STARTS TO SPEAK. AMES SILENCES HIM, BREAN BECKONS AMES OVER. BREAN (SOTTO) Gemme twenty thousand dollars.... AMES NODS, AND WAVES AN AIDE OVER AND WHISPERS TO HER. BREAN (CONT.) And gemme a car. AMES Car and a driver, Mr. Brean, the Westgate, Now, please... BREAN Okay, look, who's takin' the press conference today? CAIN Is there a press conference today? BREAN What do you think? What I need from you: I need a base of operations. Some place in the District. I need some clean money ... LEVY How much...? AMES GESTURES HIM TO BE QUIET. BREAN And, to hold it together, I need two days. There is no B-2 Bomber: here's what you do ahout that: whoever is leaking stuff to that geek at the Post, lets it slip, "Geez, I hope this doesn't screw up the B-2 Program..." "What B-2 Program, and why should it screw it up?" "If the president moves to deploy the B-2 before it is fully tested." "Deploy the B-2, Why ?" "In the Crisis." AMES What crisis? BREAN I'm working on it. Same time, you call Billy Scott at Joint Chiefs, and pour him onna plane right now to Seattle, y'got that...? All flustered and worried. To talk to the Boeing people. AMES (TO LEVY) Do it... LEVY MOVES TO A TELEPHONE. BREAN (TO CAIN) And you? CAIN But there isn't a B-2 bomber. BREAN Where'd you go to school, Kid. Wellesly? CAIN Dartmouth BREAN Then show a little spunk. There Is no B-2 Bomber, General Scott, the best of your knowledge, is not in Seattle to talk with Boeing... AMES It won't hold. BREAN One day, Two days? Course it's gonna hhhh.... CAMERA TAKES THEM DOWN THE HALL, WHERE WE SEE THE CLEANING PEOPLE, WITH FLOOR POLISHERS, LOOKING UP AT THE PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRLSCOUTS, AND SNICKERING. ANGLE ON BREAN AND AMES LOOKING ON. THE CLEANING PEOPLE NOTICE THEY ARE BEING WATCHED AND DISPERSE. AMES It won't hold, Ronnie, it won't prove out. BREAN We don't need it to prove out. We need it to distract them for two weeks til the election. AMES What would do that...? HOLD, ON BREAN THINKING. AMES (CONT.) What in the world would do that? BREAN I'm working on it. HE TURNS AROUND AND STARES AT THE WALL. BREAN WALKS TO THE COUNTER WHERE THE COFFEE AND ROLLS ARE STEAMING. ON THE WALL ARE HUNG TWO WIPE-OFF SLATES. ONE READS "DAYS TO ELECTION 12," THE OTHER READS "% IN FAVOR 63" BREAN PICKS UP A ROLL, DOWNS A COFFEE, AND STARTS OUT OF THE DOOR. ANGLE CAMERA TAKES THEM OUT INTO THE HALL. BREAN LEANS CLOSE TO AMES. BREAN Gimme twenty thousand dollars. HE STARTS INTO THE HALL, FOLLOWED BY THE ENTOURAGE, AND THE CAMERA. BREAN I'll be back within the hour. Now, AMES (WALKS ALONG, SHAKING HIS HEAD) It's going to be fine. It's going to be ... you remember in 88, when... AN AIDE COMES UP TO THEM, HOLDING A VIDEOTAPE. AMES What is it... AIDE WHISPERS TO AMES. WHO NODS, TAKES THE TAPE, AND BREAN, AND THE AIDE, INTO A SIDE OFFICE. INT SIDE OFFICE NIGHT. AS THE AIDE PUTS THE TAPE INTO A V.C.R. BREAN What is it? AMES It's the rough-cut, the other side's new commercial. THE PICTURE COMES ON, IT SHOWS THE PRESIDENT DOING SEVERAL PRESIDENTIAL THINGS. THE COMMERCIAL WE SAW EARLIER. BREAN That's our commercial. (PAUSE) I've seen it. That's our commercial. AMES (TO AIDE) Turn up the volume. THE AIDE DOES SO, AND WE HEAR MAURICE CHAVALIER SINGING, "Thank heaven, for Little Girls...." ANOTHER AIDE ENTERS, SHEEPISHLY, HANDS A THICK PACKET TO AMES, WHO HOLDS IT OUT TO BREAN. BREAN What is this? AMES Twenty thousand dollars. BREAN (NODS, REMEMBERING IT) Yeah, I'm gonna have to go to L.A. INT BACKSEAT THE STATIONWAGON WE SAW AT THE WESTGATE. GEORGETOWN. NIGHT. AMES IN THE BACKSEAT. AMES I'm coming with you. BREAN (SHRUGS) Gemme a plane. Business Aviation, National, one hour. Fly to Chicago. O'hare, LAX 6 A.M. AMES I'll see you at National. BREAN NODS, AND EXITS. HOLD ON AMES. HE HEARS SOMETHING, AND TURNS. ANGLE HIS POV. A YOUNG STAFFER, IN THE CORNER, SPEAKING SOFTLY ON THE PHONE. STAFFER (ON PHONE) Tell him, well, tell him we, I know we just signed it, but we're going to cancel it. (PAUSE) Because, because we're not going to be staying here the next four years. (PAUSE) Well, I can't tell you on the phone... EXT GEORGETOWN STREET NIGHT. THE DOORSTEP OF A HOUSE. A MIDDLE AGED MAN IN A BATHROBE, HOLDS A VERY LARGE MANILA ENVELOPE, HE TURNS, SOMEONE BEHIND HIM OBVIOUSLY HAVING CALLED HIM. HE TURNS AND SECRETS THE ENVELOPE IN HIS BATHROBE POCKET. ANGLE IN THE FOREGROUND, BREAN, IN A TAXICAB, WHICH DRIVES AWAY, IN THE B.G., THE MAN IN THE BATHROBE, REENTERING HIS HOUSE. INT SMALL TWIN ENGINE PROP PLANE. NIGHT. AMES AND BREAN IN THE BACK HOLD ON AMES WHO IS SHAKING HIS HEAD. HE REACHES OVER AND NUDGES BREAN AWAKE. AMES Tell, tell, tell me again. BREAN ....we landing? AMES Tell me again. BREAN (SIGHS) Lookit, don't worry about it. It's not a New Concept. Wake me when we touch down, will... HE TRIES TO NESTLE HIMSELF BACK TO SLEEP. AMES NUDGES HIM. AMES We can't afford a war. BREAN We aren't going to have a war. We're going to have the "appearance" of a war. AMES I'm not sure we can afford to have the "appearance" of a war. BREAN What's it gonna cost? (HE SHRUGS AND STARTS TO ROLL OVER TO GO TO SLEEP.) AMES But, but, but, "they" would find out. BREAN Who would find out? AMES ...the... (HE GESTURES OUT OF THE WINDOW) BREAN The American "people"? AMES Yes BREAN Who's gonna tell'em. AMES ...but... BREAN What did they find out about the Gulf War? One shot: one bomb, falling though the roof, building coulda been made of Legos . HE ROLLS OVER AGAIN. AMES (AS IF REHEARSING IT TO HIMSELF) ...you want us to go to War... BREAN ROUSES HIMSELF, SHRUGS, TAKES OUT A NOTEBOOK, AND BEGINS TO WRITE. BREAN ...that's the general idea. AMES Why? BREAN Why not , what've they ever done for us ...? Also: they sound... Ah, you see, this is why we have to mobilize the B-2 Bomber ... AMES ...they sound what? BREAN Shifty . Who knows anything about em... AMES Hold on, hold on, hold on: BREAN Well, I'm gonna hold on, but you went to win this election, you better change the subject. You wanna change this subject, you better have a War. What do you need? It's gotta be quick , it's gotta be dramatic , you got to have an enemy . Okay? What do you need in an enemy? Somebody you fear. Who do you fear? Som'b'y you don't know. AMES Who ? BREAN Well, I'm working on it.... HE ROLLS OVER. EXT, O'HARE AIRPORT. BUSINESS TERMINAL. A BEAUTIFUL PRAIRIE DAWN. THE SMALL PLANE FINISHES TAXIING, BREAN AND AMES EMERGE, A UNIFORMED OBSEQUIOUS AIRLINE ATTENDANT COMES UP, AND HANDS THEM TICKETS. ANGLE, ON BREAN AND AMES, AS THEY WALK ACROSS THE TARMAC. AMES Albania ... BREAN Yes. AMES Why? BREAN What do you know about them? AMES ... nothing ... BREAN Precisely. AMES What did Albania ever do to us? BREAN What did they ever do for us...? (PAUSE) You see, this is why we have to mobilize the B-2 Bomber. AMES (TO HIMSELF) ...you want us to go to War with Albania. BREAN Here's what you got to do: (HE GESTURES, "GET ON THE PHONE") Get your Press Office, Right now. To deny; There is no report of Albanian Activity. They have to deny it. Now, get the C.I.A. INT AIRLINE WAITING AREA. DAY. EARLY MORNING BUSINESSMEN AND WOMEN, HOLDING COFFEE CUPS. ONE WEARS A CAMPAIGN BUTTON SHOWING THE PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRL SCOUT. HE BRUSHES PAST BREAN WHO IS SITTING BY A MINDLESS TELEVISION WEATHER PRESENTATION ON A HUGE TV. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WATCH. ANNOUNCER (VO) American Airlines Announces the departure of flight _____ for Los Angeles, will all Passengers holding... THE BUSINESS TYPES BEGIN TO QUEUE UP IN A SLEEPY LINE. BREAN LEANS CLOSER TO THE TELEVISION, AS IT CHANGES TO A NEWS LOGO, AND A TALKING HEAD APPEARS. TALKING HEAD Good morning: With the election eleven days away the world slept, expecting news from the President on Trade and his visit to China, another sort of news, however, has emerged from the Presidential Quarter. Chris Andrews, station KCRT, Santa Fe Reports: BREAN LEANS BACK FROM THE TELEVISION, AND PUTS HIS ATTENTION ON THE BUSINESS PEOPLE ABOUT TO FILE ONTO THE PLANE. AS HE WATCHES THEY MOVE FIRST ONE AT A TIME, AND THEN, IN A GROUP, DRAWN TO THE TELEVISIONS. ANGLE: BREAN, LOOKING AT THE BUSINESS PEOPLE, CLUSTERING UP. BEYOND HIM, WE SEE THE TALKING HEAD FROM SANTA FE, THE SHOT OF THE PRESIDENT WITH THE GIRLSCOUTS, WHICH WE SAW PREVIOUSLY ON THE WHITE HOUSE WALL, AND ON THE CAMPAIGN BUTTONS. BREAN TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD AND STARTS MAKING NOTES. AMES WANDERS INTO THE SHOT, WITH A CUP OF DUNKIN' DONUTS COFFEE, AND THE CELLPHONE INTO WHICH HE IS TALKING. AMES Top people. Albanian Desk. Well, I don't know either, but we probably have one. Albanian Dusk, C.I.A., N.S.A. roust'em outta bed, sirens blaring.... BREAN NODS, MEANING, "GOOD STUDENT." AMES (CONT.) I know they'll be in in an hour, get'em now ...C.I.A., N.S.A., wake'em up. BREAN GESTURES, TELL THEM THE OTHER THING. AMES (CONT.) And you tell the staff, anyone leaks anything on this situation, his or her job is going to be... THE TWO ARE IN THE QUEUE THROUGH THE JETWAY. THEY COME TO THE DOOR OF THE AIRLINER. AMES (CONT.) ...General Scott in Seattle ...? No, I don't think his trip has got anything to do with the B-2 Bomber. Now... THE STEWARDESS INTERVENES, AS THEY COME UP TO THE DOOR OF THE AIRLINER STEWARDESS I'm sorry, Sir, I'll have to ask you to... SHE GESTURES AT THE CELLPHONE. AMES LAGS BEHIND IN THE JETWAY, AS BREAN WALKS INTO THE PLANE, CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM. BREAN AND THE CAMERA NOTICE A SMALL MINI TV IN THE GALLEY AREA, WHERE THE STEWARDESS IS SNEAKING A PEEK AT THE SCREEN, SHOWING THE PRESIDENT, GREETING THE GIRLSCOUT. STEWARDESS (CONT.) (TO BREAN) Did you hear? BREAN Well, I don't know, a lot of these early reports are inflated. STEWARDESS ... could, could, could he have done it? BREAN ...who understands Human Nature? ANGLE BACK AT HIS SEAT, THE WOMAN IN THE SEAT ACROSS THE AISLE TO HIM IS TALKING IN AN AIRFONE. WOMAN (INTO PHONE) What did she say that the President Actually did .... Well, who said it. Her mother, or Her ? (PAUSE) He did ...? (PAUSE) ...and they said that on TV ...? (PAUSE) They used that word ...? BREAN EASES INTO HIS SEAT, AND TAKES OUT HIS NOTEBOOK. WOMAN (INTO PHONE) ...what time? Two Eastern ? Alright, I'll.... Alright. (SHE HANGS UP THE AIRFONE.) BEAT. SHE TURNS TO BREAN. WE SEE SHE IS WEARING THE BUTTON WHICH SHOWS THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRLSCOUTS. SHE LOOKS DOWN AND FINGERS THE BUTTON. WOMAN (OF THE BUTTON) ...what do you think...? BREAN ...how can any of us know? WOMAN (OF THE BUTTON) Makes you feel kind of foolish, doesn't it...? BREAN I'm sure that's the worst of it. (BEAT) WOMAN (MEDITATIVELY, SHAKING HER HEAD, AS SHE LOOKS AT THE BUTTON) ...a twelve year-old girl. (PAUSE) ...and I was going to vote , for him. BREAN Well, it ain't over til it's over... AMES SITS IN THE SEAT NEXT TO BREAN. BREAN How's he doing? AMES SHUSHES BREAN, TAKES OUT THE AIRPHONE, AND STARTS DIALING. EXT POOLHOUSE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL DAY. TWO WHITE-TOGGED POOL ATTENDANTS, WATCHING A SMALL TELEVISION AT THE CHECK-IN AREA. ON TELEVISION, SENATOR FREDERICK NOLE, A MIDWESTERNER, HOLDING FORTH. NOLE ...if it is true, he should, he must step down. And if it is not true, then he must ... we are informed he has extended his visit to China, I say, on behalf of the American... ANNOUNCER (VO) Senator...Senator... we have to... NOLE I say, on behalf of the American People, Come home, face the music, whatever that may be. Th'election's in ten days, let the American... ANNOUNCER (VO) Let the American People decide... SCREEN GOES TO THE TALKING HEAD OF THE ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER Senator Frederick Nole. With, excuse me, Senator, that's eleven days, til the election, And the president ahead in the polls by, Bob...? SECOND TALKING HEAD Seventeen percent. ANNOUNCER Accusations have surfaced, which... BOB Bill, the White House has announced, that, in response to media pressure there will be a press conference in... THE TWO POOL ATTENDANTS STRAIGHTEN, AND PUT ON THEIR BEST SMILES, AND LOOK AT AN ARRIVING MAN. POOL ATTENDANT Morning, Mr. Moss. STANLEY MOSS, A SUCCESSFUL LOOKING FELLOW AROUND SIXTY, COMES THROUGH THE TURNSTILE, ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS BUSTLES AROUND, HANDING HIM TOWELS. WE HOLD ON THE SECOND ATTENDANT, WHO SCURRIES UP THE STEPS. SECOND ATTENDANT ...I'll be right back with your juice... MOSS CALLS AFTER HIM MOSS ...with a carrot in it... AS HE CLEARS THE FRAME, WE SEE, BELOW HIM, MOSS AND THE FIRST ATTENDANT, WHO IS GESTURING DOWN TOWARD THE POOL AREA, THEY TURN THEIR HEADS. ANGLE DOWN AT THE DESERTED POOL AREA. ONE NANNY TYPE, WITH A YOUNG KID IN WATERWINGS, FROLICKING IN THE WATER, AND BREAN, AND AMES, WHO ARE SITTING IN POOL CHAIRS. BREAN RISES, AND WALKS TO GREET MOSS, LEAVING AMES IN THE B.G. TALKING ON A CELL PHONE. ANGLE ON MOSS AND BREAN, AS MOSS APPROACHES A BIT TENTATIVELY. MOSS Do I know you? BREAN We have some mutual friends in Washington. INT POOL CABANA, BEV. HILLS HOTEL, DAY. A CURTAIN IS SWEPT ASIDE, AS MOSS AND BREAN AND AMES ENTER, IN THE B.G. WE SEE THE NANNY AND THE LITTLE KID IN THE POOL. MOSS AND BREAN ARE TALKING AS THEY ENTER. MOSS And is it true? AMES Waal, Mr. Moss, I wouldn't.... MOSS STARTS STRIPPING OFF HIS CLOTHES, AND CHANGING INTO A SWIMSUIT. MOSS You wouldn't be here if it wasn't true. It's true, right? HE SWITCHES ON THE TELEVISION IN THE CABANA. WE SEE A FEMALE TALKING HEAD. FEMALE TALKING HEAD Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old. THE SCREEN GOES TO THE PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT WITH THE GIRLSCOUTS. MOSS TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME. AS HE AND BREAN TALK THE TV SHOWS IMAGES OF THE PRESIDENT WITH GIRLSCOUTS, AND WITH OTHER YOUTH GROUPS. MOSS And you're here why ...? BREAN I'm here, Mr. Moss, because you've shown yourself a great supporter of the Party. MOSS Party's gonna need more than a couple bucks now. THE POOL ATTENDANT ENTERS WITH A TRAY ON WHICH IS A GLASS WITH LIQUID AND A CARROT STICK IN IT, AND A GLASS FULL OF CELERY STICKS. MOSS Back where I come from they call this Romeo in Joliet. (HE SHAKES HIS HEAD, REACHES ONTO A SMALL TABLE BEHIND HIM, AND PICKS UP A BOOK.) I, I, and y'know, I like the guy... he signed his book to me.... HE HOLDS THE BOOK TO BREAN, THE CAMERA SEES THE PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT ON THE BACK COVER, THE FRONT COVER READS. ".... FOR TWO GENERATIONS TO AGREE." MOSS LOOKS DOWN AT THE BOOK, AND QUOTES MOSS "For Progress to occur, it is necessary for Two Generations to Agree...." HE LOOKS AT THE TELEVISION SCREEN, WHICH SHOWS THE PRESIDENT WITH A YOUNG GIBL ON HIS LAP. MOSS Oh, jeez, this guy is fucked. BREAN What one has to do, Mr. Moss. Is to fight a holding action. MOSS ...holding action. THEY'RE GOING TO TEAR THIS GUY TO Shreds . BREAN If we can hold the break-in-the-dam for ten days, til the election, we... MOSS Yeah, hut you can't hold the dam. How the hell, n'nu'n', I don't get what you want me to ... THE SCREEN CHANGES, WE SEE THE SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT, AND WE ARE IN THE NEWSROOM OF THE WHITE HOUSE. A SHOT OF THE RESTIVE REPORTERS, IN THE B.G. OF THE CABANA WE SEE THE POOL ATTENDANT TAKING HIS LEAVE, HURRYING BACK TO THE OTHER TELEVISION AT THE POOL DESK. ANNOUNCER (VO) Allegations that the president had sexual... Ah... here is the deputy ... assistant under secretary... WE SEE LEVY TAKE THE PODIUM, ARRANGE HIS NOTES, AND CLEAR HIS THROAT. BREAN LEANS FORWARD, ANXIOUS, IN HIS SEAT. MOSS I don't ... they're gonna tear this guy to shreds ... LEVY (ON TV) ...the illness of the President, which we are assured, is not serious. I repeat, it is not serious, the doctors suspect it's a stomach flu, but have advised him not to fly. He will remain, on the ground, in China for, they estimate, one or two days, I stress that, during this time he will, of... MOSS ...he's gotta come back sometime , what the hell is two days gonna buy him. LEVY (VO) Any questions....Mr. Sklansky, Yes... MOSS (AS HE LEANS CLOSER TO THE TV) ... twelve year old girl... Breir Rabbit couldh t gut outta this... ANGLE, ON BREAN AS HE LOOKS AT MOSS, LEANING INTO THE TV. HE THEN SWITCHES HIS GLANCE TOWARD THE POOL DESK, ANGLE HIS POV. AT THE POOL DESK WE SEE THE TWO ATTENDANTS, THE NANNY, THE KID AND SEVERAL NEWLY ARRIVED BATHERS CLUSTERED, RAPT, AROUND THE TELEVISION. LEVY (C) (VO) Yes...? SKLANSKY (VO) Mr. Levy... LEVY (VO) Yes SKLANSKY Would you comment on the rumors... on the rumors that the President's trip, that the President's delay ... is due to the situation in Albania? ANGLE ON THE TELEVISION WE SEE SKLANSKY, AND SEE THAT HE IS THE CHAP IN THE BATHROBE WHOM BREAN GAVE THE ENVELOPE TO. LEVY There, uh, I'm not aware of the situation to which you refer. SKLANSKY Sir: the heads of the Albanian Desks at C.I.A., and at the National Security agency have been recalled on Special Alert, and there are rumors that the B-2 Bomber... LEVY Mr. Sklansky, Mr. Sklansky, I am I am unaware of any, um, "situation..." The B-2 Bomber? (PAUSE) The B-2 Bomber...? There is no B-2 Bomber. Mrs. Rose... A WOMAN REPORTER STANDS. MRS. ROSE Mr. Levy, early this morning Major General William Scott flew to Seattle. Is his trip connected with the B-2 Bomber? LEVY Uh...Mrs. Rose, there, to the best of my knowledge, there is no... REPORTER Mr. Levy: is the situation in Albania in any way connected with recent Muslim Fundamentalist, anti- American... BEAT. MOSS LOOKS AT BREAN. MOSS How close are you to this thing? BREAN PICKS UP A CELLPHONE FROM THE TABLE, AND DIALS BREAN (TO MOSS) What do you want the kid to say? MOSS LOOKS AT BREAN APPRAISINGLY. MOSS Have him say, 'I know we're all concerned for the President, there will he an update at 5:45.' AS MOSS SPEAKS BREAN NODS TO AMES , SPEAKS INTO THE TELEPHONE. AMES (INTO PHONE) Have the kid say I know we're all concerned for the President. There will he an update on his condition at 5:45. THEY BOTH TURN TO WATCH THE SCREEN. LEVY (ON TV) ...no information whatever on Fundamentalist... (HE HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS EARPHONE) I. I just want to say I know we're all conceroed for the President, there will be an update on his condition at five forty-five... MOSS LEANS OVER AND TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME ON THE TV. BEAT. MOSS Well. You bought yourself one day. Maybe two. BREAN String a few together. All I need's eleven, MOSS How you going to stretch it? (HE GESTURES AT THE TV) This won't hold for eleven days. Guy fucked a twelve- year-old...whadday're gonna do to hold that off? BREAN What do you think would hold it off? MOSS Uh, nothing , oh, nothing ... uh... a War , uh... (HE PAUSES, THEN LOOKS AT BREAN WITH COMPREHENSION.) You're kidding. BREAN SHAKES HIS HEAD NO. MOSS I'm a Jew in Show Business. Why come to me? BREAN I'm gonna tell you why... BREAN LEANS CONSPIRATORIALLY, OVER TOWARD MOSS. BREAN Here's the Short Course: Fifty-Four, Forty or Fight. What does that mean? MOSS Uh, it's a slogan. From, uh... BREAN Remember the Maine... MOSS That's from the ... it's got to be from the... BREAN Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too! MOSS ...uh ... No, that's... BREAN We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars . Y'know why. Cause it's show business . That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm. Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi. Churchill, V for Victory, Y'remember the Picture, fifty years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf War? Smart Bomb, falling through the roof. 2500 missions a day, 100 days, One Shot of One Bomb. The American people bought that war. M'I getting through to you? War in the Balkans, don't mean nothing, till some G.I. flyer, went down, Eating Snakes for Ten days. N'then It's show business, Mister Moss. That's why I'm here. ANGLE AT THE POOL DESK. THE ATTENDANTS AND THE GUESTS ARE WATCHING THE TELEVISION. ON WHICH WE SEE COMIONTATOR TALKING ABOUT A MAP OF ALBANIA. THE SCENE SHIFTS TO THE SHOTS OF THE PRESIDENT BEING PRESIENTIAL, AND WE HEAR, "THANK HEAVEN, FOR LITTLE GIRLS..." AMES WINCES, WE SEE THE POOL ATTENDANTS LAUGH. BREAN It's like being a producer, Mr. Moss. The Things in Trouble. Somebody's got to wade in, save the thing. (PAUSE) You get the Actors get up there, and strut and Posture . But somebody, knows what's what, got to jump in and Save the Thing. (PAUSE) THEY LISTEN TO THANK HEAVEN, FOR LITTLE GIRLS, AND THEY LOOK AT MOSS. PAUSE MOSS Why Albania? BREAN Why not? MOSS NODS DECISIVELY. AS IF TO SAY, "BY GOLLY, NOW YOU'RE TALKING ..." MOSS Pat? Pat? ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS RAISES HIS HEAD FROM THE TV AND SPRINTS OVER TO THE CABANA, WHERE WE SEE MOSS AND BREAN DEEP IN CONFAB. MOSS GESTURES TO THE TRAY WITH THE JUICE AND THE CELERY. MOSS ...throw this shit out. Gemme a pot of coffee and a packet of Camels. INT MOSS'S HOME, AFTERNOON. A GREENE AND GREENE BUNGALOW IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS, AMERICAN ART POTTERY ALL AROUND. MOSS IN BLUEJEANS AND A HAWAIIAN HAT, PACING BACK AND FORTH, SMOKING LIKE A CHIMNEY. MOSS But at some point they gotta know. BREAN Who? MOSS The... (HE GESTURES OUT OF HIS WINDOW, MEANING, "THE PUBLIC") BREAN "They Got To Know?" Stan ...? Get with it. Who Killed Kennedy...? I read the first draft of the Warren Report, said he was killed by a Drunk Driver . You watched the Gulf War. What did you see? Day after day, the one "Smart Bomb" falling into a building. The truth , I was in the building when they shot that shot, they shot it in a studio, Falls Church Virginia, 1/10th scale model of a building. MOSS Is that true? BREAN How the fuck do we know. You take my point? MOSS (SHAKING HIS HEAD) ...going to War... BREAN It's not "war." It is a Pageant . It's a Pageant ... Like the Oscars... why we came to you ... MOSS I never won an Oscar. BREAN N'it's a crying shame. But you staged the Oscars... MOSS Yes. Indeed I did. (PAUSE) HE LOOKS OVER AT HIS WALL FULL OF PLAQUES AND TROPHIES. MOSS (CONT.) You know, you're a writer , that's your script. You're a director ... (HE GESTURES, ET CETERA.) But if you're the producer ... what did you do? (PAUSE) What did you do? All you've got is the credit ... (PAUSE) Some plaque on the wall... HE SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY. BREAN And if you never won an Oscar, How'd you like an ambassadorship... (PAUSE) MOSS Hell, I'd just do it for the hell of having done it, for a story to tell... BREAN Well, no, well, you couldn't tell any... MOSS Hey, I know that, hey, I'm kidding ... (PAUSE) "It's a pageant" BREAN ...that's what it is. MOSS (TO HIMSELF) "The Country Is At War." (PAUSE) BREAN It's Miss America, N'you're Bert Parks. (PAUSE) MOSS ...Yoha, Yoha... Yoha. (PAUSE) Why Albania? BREAN Because. MOSS They got to have something that we want. BREAN I'm sure they do. MOSS What do we have that they want? BREAN "Freedom." MOSS Why would they want that? HAKAN They're Oppressed. MOSS No, no, no. Fuck Freedom. No. Fuck Freedom. They.... They Want... They Want To Destroy the Godless Satan of the United ... They want to destroy our Way of Life. Okay, okay, okay, could we ... okay: the President is in China. He is dealing with a Dispatch of the B-2 Bomber to Albania. Why? (HE SHRUGS, HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, TO SAY, "YOU TELL ME ...") AMES Alright, well, alright: geopolitically... MOSS GESTURES FOR SILENCE. MOSS We've just found out They Have the Bomb. We've Just Found Out They Have The Bomb , aaaand... No, No wait a second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb's not... it's not there -- because they'd have to have a rocket and that shit n'they're a buncha wogs-- it's ... it's a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It's a suitcase bomb, and it's .... in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to infiltrate the bomb into the USA. AMES You know what? This is good. This is terrific, and I'll tell you why: it's cost effective . This is.... MOSS (SHRUGS) It's producing . AMES No, this is great. MOSS I could tell you stories: Cecil B. Demille: Alright? The Greatest Show on Earth: He needs an elephant, GRACE COMES IN WITH A PHONE, TO AMES. GRACE I have the White House on the Line. MOSS ...one minute: Demille needs an elephant for a reshoot. AMES (TAKES THE PHONE) Ames here. Yessir ... (HE LISTENS.) MOSS Okay. Okay. The Suitcase Bomb... GRACE ...good title for a movie.... MOSS GESTURES "WRITE IT DOWN" AMES WANDERS AWAY, RELATING THE PROCEEDINGS INTO THE PHONE. AMES ..."Terrorism," and an attempt to infiltrate... MOSS ...the Suitcase Bomb. ACT ONE Albania denies it. President comes on the air, "Be Calm." Okay, now: Good. Now, Alright. Act TWO ... (TO GRACE) I need the following here. Right now: Johnnie Green, Liz Butsky, and get me the Fad King. GRACE Isn't Johnny Green in the... (SHE GESTURES, LOONEY BIN) MOSS No, he's back in Nashville. BREAN ...who is this guy...? MOSS (TO BREAN) Act Two: and then, Act Two... BREAN We don't need an Act Two. MOSS (ON THE PHONE) And get me the Fad King. No. Get him First... (TO BREAN) We don't need an Act Two? BREAN We've just got to hold their interest for ten more days, till the Election. MOSS ...it's a Teaser! BREAN It's a teaser, absolutely right, AMES IS SEEN IN THE B.G. ON THE CELLPHONE. AMES (ON THE PHONE, SOTTO) The thinking is, as of this moment, Terrorism ... (HE COVERS THE PHONE) ...they're getting a Good Reaction on the "Albania" thing... BREAN SHRUGS, TO SAY, "OF COURSE." MOSS (ON THE PHONE) Hello, King . How the heck are you...? (PAUSE) Get out... (PAUSE) Get out... Well, man, you fall in love like a Hillbilly ... (HE COVERS THE PHONE, EXPLAINING TO THOSE NEAR HIM) Ditch the wife, toss the kids in the Pick-up, (HE GESTURES, MEANING, YOU KNOW...) (To THE FAD KING) Listen, King: Get your fat redneck ass out here, willya ... AMES (TO BREAN, STILL HOLDING THE PHONE TO HIS EAR) ...but the President wonders about the Possible Albanian Backlash... BREAN (SHRUGS) You can't have a war without an enemy. MOSS (ON PHONE) No, King, I need you here yesterday ... (TO BREAN) How long do I need him for? BREAN (CORRECTING HIMSELF) Well, you could have one, but it'd be a very ineffective war... (TO MOSS) We're done in 10 days... MOSS Ten Days. (COVERS THE PHONE) There going to be any Back End in this thing? BREAN W...what? MOSS ...there gonna be any money in this thing? BREAN "Back End" ... count on it. MOSS (TO PHONE) Lots n lotsa cash. Stay on for Gracie, she'll get you a ticket (HE HANGS UP) AMES (TO BREAN) ...where is the Back End coming from? BREAN It's like that thing with the Yellow Ribbon... AMES The thing with the Yellow Ribbon... BREAN The Hostages...? AMES The hostages, but that was a naturally-occuring... (BREAN GIVES HIM A LOOK TO SAY, "OH, GROW UP") It was a put-up job? (BREAN GIVES HIM THE LOOK AGAIN) But where was the, where was the money in that? BREAN In the yellow ribbon. AMES ...the Yellow Ribbon, but who, who'd profit from that ... BREAN (LONG SUFFERING) The Ribbon Manufacturers. MOSS (INTO THE PHONE) King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement, gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel. Now: AMES, CELLPHONE TO HIS EAR, APPROACHES BREAN -- BREAN WAVES HIM OFF. BREAN I gotta protect the Canadian Horder, BREAN PICKS UP ANOTHER PHONE, AND STARTS BREAN (INTO THE PHONE) Here's what we want to do: The Park Police, the Border Patrol, and the US Marshall's Service. The D.E. the A.T.F, all of em, Stand by for instant mobilization, 'long the Canadian Border. (PAUSE) And tell 'em there's nothing to be alarmed about. INT MOSS'S DINING ROOM NIGHT. MOSS, BREAN, AND THREE MORE PEOPLE, PADS AND NOTES TACKED ONTO THE WALL. CAMERA PANS OVER THE TABLE. ONE NEWSPAPER, THE EDITORIAL CARTOON SHOWS THE PRESIDENT. A GIRLSCOUT IS HANDING HIM A BOX OF COOKIES, AND HE IS SAYING, "I KNOW I REALLY SHOULDN'T"... ON ANOTHER THE EDITORIAL CARTOON SHOWS THE GREAT SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT, THE MOTTO, WRITTEN AROUND THE CIRCUMFERENCE READS, "SIT ON MY LAP." JAY LENO (VO) ...went into a Convenience store... ANGLE THE GROUP, MOSS, BREAN AND THREE MORE, WATCHING THE TV JAY LENO ...asked if they had any girlscout cookies. Five cops jumped on me, took me off in chains... MOSS SWITCHES THE STATION. WE SEE RICKY JAY, DOING A VANISH OF COINS. APPLAUSE... CONAN O'BRIAN BECKONS RICKY OVER TO THE PANEL. CONAN Ricky Jay, Ladies and Gentleman, Ricky, I guess we'd have to say that you're the most famous manipulator of small oblects in the World. RICKY JAY No, I'd have to say, that'd be the President. LAUGHTER ON THE TV. MOSS SWITCHES THE CHANAEL AGAIN. WE SEE SENATOR NOLE. SENATOR NOLE (ON TV) ...taking refuge behind the fact of distance , taking refuge behind the mention of Albania , of his stomach flu, taking refuge, with the election those scant days away, behind everything except avowal of his guilt. Mr. President, if you have any shame, I ask you, the public asks you, the electorate asks you to return , to face these terrible charges, to... THE SCREEN GOES TO THE GREAT SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCER ...from Airforce One. In China. The President of the United States. PRESIDENT My fellow Americans. I apologize for the need for secrecy . I assure you that had it not been necessary to ensure the safety of our men and women in the Combat Arms. The Republic of Albania, long a staging ground for terrorists around the World, is in the procesa of mounting ... actions directed against the people of the United States. In consultation with my advisors, I have elected to take the following precautionary measures: EXT POOLSIDE, MOSS'S HOME, L.A. NIGHT. THE FAD KING , A SLOPPILY FAT FELLOW IN A DIRTY T-SHIRT, IS WALKING THE POOL, HOLDING FORTH TO MOSS, AND JOHNNY GREEN, A NASHVILLE TYPE, AND LIZ BUTSKY, A COSTUME DESIGNER, WHO IS SKETCHING ON A PAD. FAD KING It's a, it's a... (LIZ STARTS TO TALK) It can't be a ribbon... LIZ Why can't it be a ribbon? FAD KING It can't be a ribbon cause AIDS had a ribbon, cause the Yellow Ribbon thing had a ribbon, cause... MOSS Look, look, look, look, Canada, okay...? Our neighbor to the North, alla sudden, transformed, into That Place, where, like the North Wind, Terror comes... FAD KING Keep Talking.... MOSS What guards Us Against Canada...? AMES (PHONE TO HIS EAR) ...we've got a crash poll, says... (HE LISTENS) Sixty seven percent of the (BEAMS) American People, on hearing the President's Speech... JOHNNIE GREEN WALKS AWAY, HUMMING TO HIMSELF, "I GUARD THE NORTHERN BORDERS ..." FAD KING AND LIZ WAVE AMES OFF, MEANING, "WE HAVE ADULT WORK TO DO HERE." LIZ Uh...uh... Mounties. The Mounties Guard The Border. uh... those Mountie Hats. FAD KING They look stupid. LIZ We had Davy Crockett hats... They made a fortune. FAD KING We had Davy Crockett hats, but you could crush 'em ... you could crush 'em, see, when you felt stupid. Crush'em, put em in your Pocket. You can't put a Mountie hat in your... MOSS WALKS THROUGH THE SHOT, WITH BREAN. MOSS (EXPANSIVELY) Y'see, this is what Producing is: you put me in a Room ... AMES (LISTENING TO THE PHONE) ...and he's got a negative rating of... (HE SMILES) MOSS (TO FAD KING, PROMPTING) King, we've got to be on the streets in... FAD KING ...what am I doing ? Do you see me working...? (TO LIZ) Here's what you want to do, you want to come out of the box, an item, someone 'ready has , but then you sell it to'em. Torn jeans , uh ... faded Levi Jackets, uh... uh... MOSS Where are we on the Image? Grace? Grace ... ANGLE OVER A SLEEPING BREAN, STRETCHED OUT ON A POOLCHAIR, GRACE, THE SECRETARY, COMES OUT ON TO THE POOL AREA, HOLDING THE SHOT OF A SMALL, FOREIGN LOOKING CHILD, IN FRONT OF A PILE OF RUBBLE. SHE SHOWS IT TO MOSS. MOSS ...we own it? GRACE Public Domain. MOSS And what? What? She was Driven From Her Home, by Albanian Terrorists. It is her we are mobilizing to defend... it is "she"? GRACE We-are-mobilizing-to-defend- her . MOSS Can we give'er a kitten ? GRACE No problem. Here's the... SHE GOES BACK INTO THE HOUSE. FAD KING I gotta get something, I gotta get ...shoes? Ties? Hats...? (TAKES A SHEAF OF HEADSHOTS FROM GRACE) Good. Good. (HE PASSES THEM AROUND, WE SEE THEY ARE ALL GIRLS AROUND FOURTEEN WITH LONG BLONDE HAIR.) BREAN ...what is this? MOSS Headshots. Girls to play the girl in our footage. (OF A PHOTO) I like the sorrowful one. Anybody Else....? (HE PASSES THE PHOTOS AROUND.) FAD KING ...what is this? BREAN Young-Albanian-girl-driven-from-her-home. FAD KING I go with this here... (HE WALKS OFF SHAKING HIS HEAD.) MOSS Too Texan. Go with the stick. Thanks. (TO THE FAD KING.) What ...? ...does it have to be Albania ...We're locked into Albania...why? JOHNNY GREEN It's tough to rhyme. MOSS I believe in you.... JOHNNY GREEN Albania, Albania, Albania, James bond Villains. MOSS John Belushi... Jim Belushi... JOHNNY GREEN Jim Belushi...? MOSS Surest thing you know. FAD KING Shoes, Hats.... LIZ The special hats of the Special Anti-terrorist detachment of the Border Patrol. MOSS (MULLING IT OVER) The Special Anti-Terrorist Detachment of the Border Patrol... what do they do ...? LIZ (SHRUGS) ...they... you know... JOHNNY GREEN They guard our, you know ... "borders," night and day... MOSS Yeah, good good good good good. And They're So Secret ... LIZ Oh huh... MOSS ...they have the capacity to Meld into the Woods , and... ALL NOD MOSS (CONT.) And one of them is in love with the sister of... LIZ I'm just talking about the Hats. MOSS The hats. LIZ A beret. MOSS Why a beret? LIZ Cause you can crush it and put it in your pocket. MOSS "...the special detachment..." Good! What is it? BREAN WAKES FOR A MOMENT, AT THE SHOUTING, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. BREAN Three-o-three... MOSS The men and women of Detachment Three-O-Three, with their... FAD KING Black... LIZ Leopard Skin... MOSS With their berets... LIZ ...their Leopard Skin Berets.... FAD KING Well, that ain't very butch, is it? LIZ It's a beret ... CAMERA TAKES MOSS TO THE TV WHERE BREAN IS WATCHING A "CHANGE HORSES IN MIDSTREAM" AD, SHOWING TWO RETIRED LADIES, SITTING OUT ON A PORCH IN THE SOUTH, ON A ROCKER. LIZ (CONT.) ...you said you wanted something they could stuff in their pocket... FAD KING ...I meant the Leopard Skin... LIZ British Regiments drape their drums in Leopard Skins. FAD KING Thank God this is America. MOSS (DISTRACTED) How about half-black, half leopard skin... TV OLD LADY ...why change Horses in Mid Stresm, that's what I ... MOSS (SHAKING HEAD SADLY) Why are they sticking with this age old horseshit? BREAN (SHRUGS) "If One Twinkie is Funny, Two Twinkies are Funnier..." AMES WALKS IN WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF FAXES. HE READS FROM THEM. AS HE PERUSES THEM WE SEE THE FAD KING, HE GOES, DREAMILY, TO A PHONE, AND DIALS. FAD KING (INTO PHONE) Bunny: I had an idea: a Slinky, that falls Up ... (PAUSE) Naa, we can figure that out . What I'm wondering: what do we call it... (PAUSE) You got my number... (HE HANGS UP.) MOSS (TO AMES) Why are they ... AMES (OF FAXES) NY Times, Washington Post, War, War, War. Times got the girlscout page twelve, Post in Section Two.... Horses in Mid-Stream...? MOSS I don't think you're gonna need it. AMES Well, we paid for it, we got the guys on a retainer. MOSS They got the guys on a retainer , it's cheaper, pay 'em, but don't lettem touch it... Let'em leave us alone. AMES What can it hurt. MOSS What can it hurt is they offend me. IN THE B.G. WE SEE BREAN, WALKING AROUND WITH A CELLPHONE. LIZ I need a ruling on the Hats. I say a Leopard-skin, and... MOSS Hey, you're getting the big bucks.... (TO BREAN) I think we're up-and-running... JOHNNY GREEN COMES OVER, "JUST LISTEN TO THIS." JOHNNY GREEN (SINGS) Canada your Peaceful slumbers Guard our Border To The North... The Rightful Order Of Our Border ... HE SHAKES HIS READ, AND RETIRES. GRACE COMES OUT WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE, FROM WHICH THEY TAKE A CUP. FAD KING Kid comes to School. Teacher: You're late for Geography Class. Kid: I din' get my breakfast. Teacher: siddown, where's the Canadian Border. Kid: In bed wit My Mom. That's why I missed my breakfast... GRACE REACHES IN HER BACK POCKET, HANDS MOSS SEVERAL SHEETS GRACE We got the Albanian Girl, with a cat, with a kitten, with a dog ... MOSS I didn't ask for a dog. GRACE (SHRUGS) ...the pet wrangler suggested it..he's also got a... AMES I think I should check with the President -- to see what kind of animal he... GRACE The Pet wrangler has also got a... MOSS Do it later... (OF THE PHOTO) Okay, now, "The Little Girl," who is she, what is she doing? She is....she's ...Okay, okay, it's an Albanian village... She is the victim of, she has been relocated , to, to, for the terrorists , the Government Labs...the, the... a staging area for their Atomic workshop. (PAUSE) They're torturing her family, because they have connections in Canada, which would permit the terrorists access to the American Border. GRACE Better. MOSS You like it? GRACE Yes. MOSS Fine. Good. GRACE EXITS. BREAN (HANGS UP THE CELL PHONE) Would somebody wake me in five minutes? FAD KING Does it have to be Albania? Because, lookit: (HE HOLDS UP A SKETCH OF A BOOT) I can get my hands on a lot of walking-around-cash, I think, if it's Italy ...Look at the tie-in here: The Boot , "Givvem the Boot ,"... If we were to go Wide with a shoe as the fad. A "Shoe-fad"... Here's what it offers us... BREAN We're locked into Albania. FAD KING Well, let's not be too sure, why is that? BREAN (CHECKS HIS WATCH.) The President is going to declare War against Albania in a half an hour. BREAN ROUSES HIMSELF, WALKS TO THE POOL, AND BEGINS TO WASH HIS FACE IN IT. EXT STUDIO PARKING LOT L.A. DAWN. MERCEDES CONVERTIBLE PULLS UP, MOSS DRIVING. HE AND BREAN GET OUT. INT STUDIO, DAWN. A TELEVISION, SHOWING THE PRESIDENT, SPEAKING. PRESIDENT That a state of war has existed, between the United States, and... BREAN AND MOSS BREEZE PAST THE SET, INTO A MOVIE MAKING SCENE. TWENTY PEOPLE CLUSTERED AROUND A YOUNG GIRL IN TRADITIONAL ALBANIAN DRESS WHOSE HEADSHOT WE SAW EARLIER, BEING FUSSED-UP AND TWEAKED BY HAIR AND MAKE-UP. MOSS Good morning, My name's Stanley Moss, I'll be your director this morning, what I'd like you to do, Miss, what is your name... ALBANIAN TYPE Trudy Larouche. MOSS ..."Trudy," is, to start at that wall... (HE GESTURES AT THE SWEEP) and, on my signal, "action" to run toward me, screaming ...they taking care of you...? Good. You wanna cuppa tea ? Okay. Can we just try one, just for the... TRUDY I understand this is going to be National ? Is that the case? Because my agent didn't get a chance to... THEY ARE WALKED OVER TO AN AREA IN WHICH WE FIND THE PET WRANGLER, SURROUNDED BY SEVERAL ANIMAL CASES WITH DOGS IN THEM. MOSS, AS HE SPEAKS, IS SURVEYING THE DOGS. MOSS Well, it's a little bit of a... A.D. ...we're going for a direct buy-out. MOSS ...you have your agent check with the... TRUDY No, I know it's going to be fine. I'm so excited, and I'm looking forward to putting it on my resume. When you called last... BREAN TAKES TRUDY ASIDE. BREAN Eh, Trudy, could I talk to you for a moment...? You know, this project is a... "Funny" kind of... HE WALKS HER ASIDE. MOSS SELECTS A DOG, AND AMES COMES OVER TO HIM, HOLDING A CELLPHONE. AMES (DESCRIBING THE SCENE, INTO THE PHONE) A schnauzer. What appears to be a... PET WRANGLER Lhasa Apso. AMES (INTO PHONE) Lhasa Apso, and a... HE LOOKS AT THE THIRD DOG. PET WRANGLER What you have here is a cross-breed, between a dog which was substantially a... AMES GESTURES HIM FOR SILENCE, AS HE LISTENS TO THE PHONE. AMES (INTO THE PHONE) Abso... absolutely, sir... Absolutely. (TO MOSS) He wants a kitten. (PAUSE) MOSS (TAKING CHARGE) Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. HE GESTURES TO HIS ASSISTANT, WHO COMES OVER FOR A CONFERENCE. MOSS (CONT.) I need a little bit of help ...? ANGLE ON BREAN WALKING TRUDY. HE GESTURES TO AMES. AMES Miss, we are going to ask you to sign this little sheet of paper ... TRUDY Well, my agent would be ril ril miffed with me, if I signed anything, uh, to... AMES This does not have to do with your Deal. This is for your Security Clearance. (PAUSE) HE TAKES OUT A SHEET OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET. THEIR WALK HAS BROUGHT THEM AND THE CAMERA BACK TO MOSS AND THE ASSISTANT, AND THE DIRECTOR. DIRECTOR (TO MOSS) ...fix it in the mix. ASSISTANT We're going to do it digitally... MOSS ...can we shoot one? DIRECTOR Alright, now we're gonna... THE PET WRANGLER HANDS A DOG TO TRUDY. THE ASSISTANT WAVES HIM OFF, AND LOOKS AROUND, AND HANDS HER A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS. ASSISTANT ...run with this... TRUDY ...these'r potato chips... DIRECTOR Just, uh, just hold the bag when you run. MOSS (TO BREAN) We need it for the Arm Position, on the screen it'll be a kitten. TRUDY Someone's bringing in a kitten...? MOSS No, no, no.... we'll punch in a kitten. Um... Later . TRUDY ...you're gonna Punch in a Kitten Later. MOSS Yes. (PAUSE) TRUDY Why...? A.D. Okay, settle, people. Settle... we're gonna try one... MOSS It gives us a wider option. TRUDY A wider option of what? MOSS (DISTRACTED) ...of kittens... TWO HAIR AND MAKE-UP WOMEN JUMP IN, AND START TWEAKING TRUDY, AS MOSS'S ATTENTION IS DIVERTED ELSEWHERE. TRUDY ADDRESSES HERSELF TO BREAN. TRUDY ...but, you know, all kidding aside. When this goes National.... I get to put it on my resume. BREAN (WHO IS DIALING A PHONE) Actually, no. TRUDY Because, like, what is it, a Guild thing? I mean, what, what, what could they do to me... BREAN ...someone would come to your house and kill you. (TO PHONE) Hello ... we're about to start shooting... A.D. (TO HAIR AND MAKE-UP) Hey, hey, hey, she's ... will you? She's just been raped by Terrorists , jump out , will you... THE A.D. SHOOS HAIR AND MAKE-UP AWAY. CAMERA GOES WITH BREAN, PAST AMES, WHO IS ADDRESSING HIMSELF TO THE A.D. AMES And...she's not an Illegal Immigrant? Is she? Can I see her "chart?" Because... MOSS Gonna be fine. Gonna be fine, people? Are we getting there...? BREAN WANDERS BACK TO THE CONTROL BOOTH WHERE WE SEE THE SCENE ON SEVERAL MONITORS AND THE YOUNG GIRL, STANDING AGAINST THE BARE SWEEP ON THE BACK WALL. WE HEAR "ACTION" AND THE YOUNG GIRL RUNS FORWARD. WE HEAR THE TECHNICIANS MUTTERING, AND THEY PUNCH UP A PLAYBACK, AND WE SEE THE SAME RUN-FORWARD, REPLAYED AGAINST AN "ALBANIAN VILLAGE" SCENE. TECHNICIAN ...gimme some flames... AS HE SPEAKS, FLAMES ARE ADDED TO THE SCENE... TECHNICIAN ...some sound of Screaming...? (SCREAMING IS ADDED) ...whoo-aahh sirens? Anne Frank?... THE SIRENS ARE ADDED. MOSS COMES INTO THE CONTROL BOOTH, AND TALKS TO THE ACTOR. ANGLE ON AMES AND BREAN, IN THE CONTROL ROOM. AMES ...can we see the Kitten...? THE PHONE RINGS, AMES PICKS UP HIS CELLPHONE. AMES (CONT.) Hello ... Yes. We'll be back...? BREAN We'll be back tonight. AMES (TO PHONE) Tonight. (HE HANGS UP) Well, you've started a Tempest in a Teapot. BREAN Waal, that's where you want em... AMES ...I just hope... MOSS (TO TRUDY) Do it again, love, will you...? We'll tell you before we're going to shoot... WE SEE ON THE MONITOR THE YOUNG GIRL RUNNING WITH THE BAG OF POTATO CHIPS, VARIOUS BURNING BUILDINGS IN THE B.G. MOSS ...could she be running across a bridge ? She's running across a Burning Bridge. ONE OF THE TECHNICIANS' FACES LIGHTS UP. TECHNICIAN (TO HIMSELF) ....beautiful. WE PLAYBACK THE LAST RUNTHROUGH, AND THE GIRL IS NOW RUNNING ACROSS A BRIDGE. MOSS (LEANS IN TO TALK WITH THE TECH PEOPLE) Of course, we're gonna need some water , uh... TECHNICIAN Is it a stream , or is it a... MOSS No, I think.. TECHNICIAN a "pond," or MOSS No, I think it's ... can we see the calico kitten ...? AS HE SPEAKS THE BAG OF CHIPS IS TRANSFORMED INTO A CALICO KITTEN. AMES (ON HIS PHONE) A small, "calico" kitten, sir. (PAUSE) "Calico." (PAUSE) AMES (TO MOSS) ...can we have a white one...? MOSS (TO DIRECTOR) Can we have a white one, please... AS THEY SPEAK THE BROWN KITTEN IS TRANSFORMED INTO A WHITE ONE. MOSS (CONT) You know, if we're gonna run with the kitten, maybe it turns out, the Kitten has a Name , and... DIRECTOR We ready out there...? BREAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WATCH, AND TAPS AMES ON THE SHOULDER, AS HE EASES HIS WAY PAST THE CONTROL CONSOLE. AMES (ENGROSSED) ...one moment... INT L.A.X. DAY. A POSTER FILLS THE SCREEN. IT IS A NORMAL ROCKWELL SORT OF THING SHOWING HAPPY AND PROUD AMERICANS OUTSIDE OF A VOTING BOOTH. AND IT READS: "DON'T FORGET TO VOTE. NOVEMBER 2ND. IT'S YOUR DUTY -- IT'S YOUR RIGHT." PRESIDENT'S VOICE (VO) ...a state of War. (PAUSE) That a State of War... PAN OFF THE POSTER TO SHOW THE GATE AREA, MANY PEOPLE WAITING, WATCHING A TELEVISION SET, ON WHICH WE SEE THE PRESIDENT. PRESIDENT (CONT.) ...exists... A TELEVISION SET, THE PRESIDENT ON THE TELEVISION. PRESIDENT ...between the United States and Republic of Albania, and that the Congress Authorize any and all measures consonant with a swift and painless, and victorious conclusion of that War. ANGLE BUSINESS PEOPLE QUEUING UP, AT THE TV, BEYOND THEM, THE DEPARTURE GATE, SHOWING A SIGN, AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT _____ TO WASHINGTON D.C. IN THE FOREGROUND, BREAN, ON A CELLPHONE, PAYS NO ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN, AS HE STANDS IN LINE. BREAN (ON THE PHONE) Go with a two -tone hat, I don't care, you work it out. You , well, I'm sure you've had similar problems in the past. Good. Good. Keep me ppp... Fine, I'll call you from the plane. THE TICKET TAKER, TAKING HIS TICKET, IS SHAKING HIS HEAD AT THE TELEVISION, ON WHICH WE SEE AN ANNOUNCER/COMMENTATOR, DOING, "YOU HAVE JUST HEARD," ET. CETERA. TICKET TAKER Hell of a thing. Hell of a thing. BREAN Innit? TICKET TAKER Albanian Terrorists on the Canadian Border. BREAN (ABOUT TO GET ONTO THE PLANE) ...makes you think. IN THE B.G, WE SEE THE TELEVISION HAS GONE TO A COMMERCIAL, TWO BUSINESSMEN TYPES, EACH PARKING HIS STATION WAGON IN HIS DRIVEWAY. TYPE ONE Ed, what do you think? TYPE TWO Bob, my mind wasn't one hundred percent made up, but now it is: I say: don't go changing Horses in Midstream... BREAN, HEARING THIS, WALKS BACK TO THE NOW DESERTED TELEVISION. ANGLE FROM THE JETWAY THE DOOR ABOUT TO CLOSE, BREAN IN THE B.G. WATCHING THE INFOMERCIAL. THE TICKET TAKER CALLS TO HIM, "...SIR...?" BREAN TURNS AND RUSHES TO THE CLOSING DOOR. ON THE TV, IN THE BG, WE SEE THE LOGO: "RE-ELECT THE PRESIDENT. THIS MESSAGE PAID FOR BY..." ET CETERA. BREAN (INTO THE PHONE) It's workmanlike, what can I tell you.... no, it ain't going to help, but it won't hurt, cool down, see you in Nashville. HE FOLDS UP HIS PHONE AND WALKS ONTO THE PLANE, IN THE B.G. WE SEE SENATOR NOLE, SPEAKING ON THE TELEVISION, THE REMAINING VIEWERS ARE DRIFTING AWAY. SENATOR NOLE The issue of War, is, finally, an issue of Moral Fibre, Moral Fibre. In my Platoon, in World War Two BREAN (ON THE PHONE) You have the number in D.C.? Good. What time tonight... What...? (BREAN TURNS TO THE TELEVISION) BREAN COMES OVER TO AMES WHO IS ON THE PHONE, AND TALKING WITH LIZ BUTSKY, WHO IS SHOWING HIM SOME SKETCHES. LIZ ...wanted to go with Roman Numerals... but there isn't a Roman Numeral for Zero, so, you can't really do THREE OH THREE, in Roman... BREAN (TURNING TO AMES, OF NOLE) Why is this putz on the air... AMES ... they're checking the ratings...uh... LIZ ...and I wanted to ask you if you thought it made sense that the uniforms of the Freedom fighters were starched . (PAUSE) I know that, traditionally , (SHE FLIPS A CARD AND WE SEE THE STARCHED UNIFORMED FREEDOM FIGHTER DRAWN BY HER) ...they're torn , and so forth: days-in-the-mountains, so on, but I thought... BREAN (INTO THE PHONE) Why am I seeing this guy on the News...? (PAUSE) What am I missing...? What are we forgetting? AMES Well, at least we're not seeing the Girlscouts... HE TURNS AROUND ANGLE, HIS POV. A YOUNG DISHEVELLED COLLEGE STUDENT TYPE. HE WEARS A BUTTON ON HIS JACKET. ANGLE INS THE BUTTON READS, "FUCK ALBANIA" ANGLE AMES AND BREAN. AMES (OF THE BUTTON) ...is that " us" ...? BREAN AND LIZ BUTSKY SHAKE THEIR HEADS. AMES JUMPS UP IN THE AIR AND YELLS "YAY." SENATOR NOLE Especially in a time of war. Now: We said that Moral fibre, not guns, not supplies, not strategy, Moral... COMMENTATOR (INTERRUPTING) ...Senator...? SENATOR NOLE And this man, our President, in what I hope will be his last days in that office, has proved himself empty and devoid of... A SMALL CHILD COMES OVER TO THE TELEVISION AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL. INT DULLES AIRPORT ARRIVALS AREA, DUSK. BREAN AND AMES COMING OFF OF THE PLANE, BREAN STOPS AT THE FREE PERIODICALS DISPLAY. SAMPLE HEADLINES READ: DEFENSE OF THE REALM: TERRORISM ALONG THE BORDER: THE PRESIDENT: ALL SPUNK: CALL TO THE COLORS: DEFEND THE NORTH, ETC. HE PICKS UP SEVERAL, AND CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM DOWN A HALL, PAST A HUGE POSTER SHOWING OPPRESSED COMMUNIST HORDES, AND THE MOTTO "THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE CHOICE, YOU DO . VOTE! IT'S YOUR RIGHT!" ANGLE TIGHT ON BREAN AND AMES, AND A FELLOW PASSENGER, AS ALL SCAN THEIR NEWSPAPERS. THE PASSENGER IS WAITING IN LINE TO USE A PAY PHONE. BREAN (AS HE NUDGES AMES) Can't find anything in here about the President and that girlscout. PASSENGER ...what are you talking about... What does that mean now , are you nuts ...? THE PASSENGER MOVES UP IN TURN TO TAKE THE PHONE, HE DIALS. PASSENGER (INTO PHONE) Hello, Honey.... NO. I'm safe. In about an hour. Have you got Grandma and the kids in...? Well, where am I talking to you? Well, who has the Shotgun? Go Down in the Basement. Well, get the long cord, and... isn't there a jack down there... Well, move , the canned goods, and... THE LINE BREAN AND AMES ARE IN MOVES FORWARD, PAST THE MAN ON THE TELEPHONE. TIGHT ON AMES AND BREAN, AS THEY MOVE FORWARD, THEY SPEAK UNDER THEIR BREATH. AMES (SHAKING HIS HEAD) ...hell of a price for the country to pay. BREAN ...take a long view. AMES ...what's the Long View? BREAN Your guy gets four more years in Washington... ...it's only Nine More Days. AMES Yes. That's true. But... BREAN (SMILES) Wilfred. We've got work to do... THE LINE THEY ARE IN STOPS. BREAN LOOKS UP. ANGLE, HIS P.O.V. A LINE OF SERVICEMEN, ARMED WITH SUBMACHINE GUNS, STANDS BARRING THE ARRIVING PASSENGERS AN EXIT. THE PASSENGERS ARE HERDED INTO LINES, TO GO THROUGH MAKESHIFT BARRICADES, AND METAL DETECTORS. ANGLE BREAN, AND ANOTHER PASSENGER. BREAN ...what the hell's this all about, d'you think? PASSENGER ...small price to pay, pal... HE APES THE PRESIDENT, WHO'S SAID THAT EARLIER. BREAN LOOKS UP, AS AMES, ACCOMPANIED BY AN ARMY MAJOR, PASSES THROUGH LINE AND APPROACHES BREAN, BECKONING. INT SUBURBAN MALL NIGHT. BREAN, AND AMES, AND TWO SECRET SERVICE TYPES, WALKING THROUGH THE MALL. BREAN GLANCES AT A FOODSTORE, WHERE WE SEE A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO BE ADMITTED, AND A VAST LINE INSIDE, AT THE CHECK OUT COUNTER, THEIR CARTS PILED HIGH, THE SHELVES BEHIND THEM DENUDED. THEY PASS BY A SHOESTORE, CLOSED, A PLYWOOD SCREEN IN FRONT, COVERED BY A SIGN: SOON TO REOPEN UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. BREAN FOLLOWS AMES, INTO THE STORE. INT SHOESTORE NIGHT. MANY YOUNG STAFFERS. A VAST SIGN READS: DAYS TIL ELECTION 8. % IN FAVOR? THE STAFFERS STAND IMMOBILE, AS BREAN, AMES, AND THE SECRET SERVICE TYPES ENTER. ON A TELEVISION, UNWATCHED BEHIND THEM. A FOREST SCENE, A SQUAD OF SERVICEMEN IN WOODLAND CAMO, LOOKING DOWN AT A RIVER, THEIR LEADER SPEAKING SOFTLY INTO A MICROPHONE. LEADER ...scared. Sure we're scared. But th'fella said the trick is not minding that it hurts. N'Ill tell you one thing: They might get into the U.S.A., but they'll have to get in over Mrs. Kelly's son... (HE TAPS HIMSELF ON THE CEEST) THE SCREEN GOES TO A SCENE OF SUPERMARKET LOOTING IN AN INNER CITY. A STAND- UP COMMENTATOR SPEAKS. COMMENTATOR ...dead and fifteen wounded in these first hours of the War. They are not, they are not The Enemy, they are people, like You and Me, a different kind of Victim of Albanian Aggression, but Victims Nonetheless... ANGLE BREAN, GIVEN THE TOUR BY AMES. AMES Telexes to the major... HE IS SHUSSHED BY A YOUNG AIDE, STANDING, HIS EAR TO A PHONE. ON THE TV WE SEE THE DECK OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER, AND A REPORTER SPEAKING, AS PLANES TAKE OFF. REPORTER Missions into Albanian Airspace. Missions to Kill or Die. American Men, and, yes, and women, in the prime of their lives, but never closer to death, while... ANGLE, ON BREAN, AS HE TURNS TO LOOK AT ANOTHER SCREEN. ON THAT TV SCREEN WE SEE A SOB-SISTER TYPE SOB SISTER REPORTER TYPE ...fighting, yes, but fighting for what? THE SCREEN IS FILLED WITH THE PHOTO OF THE YOUNG ALBANIAN WOMAN, WHO IS NOW HOLDING TWO CATS. SOB SISTER REPORTER TYPE For this. For this . For Freedom, for safety -- yes, theirs and ours. BREAN HEARS A WHOOSH, AND TURNS TO LOOK BACK AT THE SCREEN OF THE JETS TAKING OFF. TV SCREEN, WITH JETS. ANNOUNCER (VO) The sound of Freedom? Yes, Perhaps the sound of Death... but .... BREAN LOOKING AT THE SCREEN, BEHIND HIM HE HEARS A VAST CHEER, HE TURNS. THE AIDE WITH THE PHONE TO HIS EAR HAS PICKED UP A PIECE OF CHALK, AND IS WRITING, ON THE % IN FAVOR SLATE THE FIGURE 71%. THE AIDES ARE CHEERING, AND SLAPPING EACH OTHER ON THE BACK. INT, IMPROVISED OFFICE, IN THE SHOE STOCKROOM. NIGHT. A STOCKROOM LINED WTTH SHOEBOXES, IN IT A DESK, TWO CHAIRS, A TELEVISION. AMES ENTERS, OPENS THE DESK AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE. HE HANDS IT TO BREAN, WHO ENTERS AFTER HIM. ON THE WALL IS ANOTHER SET OF SIGNS, READING DAYS TILL ELECTION 8, AND % IN FAVOR WHICH AMES NOW FILLS IN 71. AMES PICKS UP A SHEAF OF PAPERS FROM THE DESK. AMES New York Times, Wash Post, Detroit Register, San Diego BEE, all in emission. No mention of the Girlscout. None. BREAN Eight Days To Go (HE GESTURES AT THE CALENDER) AMES I live for midnight, when I can tear another of those suckers off. Watcha got for me? BREAN Big Bird touches down when ? AMES We're bring'n im in tomorrow, five AM. BREAN Anything at the Airport? AMES Press thought "no," whaddaya think...? BREAN (NODS) I think, here's what I think: S'it gonna rain...? (HE CHECKS A NOTEBOOK) AMES (YELLING) Gimme the weather for tomorrow morning, five A.M. Andrews... BREAN (CHECKING HIS NOTEBOOK) An Albanian , a young Albanian Girl. AN AIDE APPEARS WITH A TEARSHEET. AMES READS IT. AMES No rain. BREAN (SHRUGS, NONETHELESS) A young Albanian Girl, dressed in their... HE GESTURES, MEANING, "WHATEVER THEY WEAR, YOU FIGURE IT OUT..." AMES NODS TO THE AIDE, WHO BEGINS SCRIBBLING IN A PAD. BREAN And carrying. (HE GESTURES, MEANING, LOOK IT UP) The National Flower of Albania, something..... Now Is it some Festival? Some Harvest Festival, something... AMES (TO THE AIDE) Get on this, right now... BREAN ...got to be something . She gives him the sacred... (HE GESTURES, WHAT-HAVE-YOU) And tells him: this is the Traditional Harvest Offering, given to the Man who Ties the First Sheaf, the last sheaf, whatever the fuck it is... AMES ...this's good ... BREAN Stanley Moss, Ladeesngennlmen... And she says... AMES Is she saying this in Albanian...? BREAN (OF NOTES) Yes : she is saying this in Albanian, but she's doing it not to be uh... (AMES GESTURES, MEANING, "I GET IT") But because, she explains, that is the only way it can be understood by her Aged and Sainted Mother, who is standing there with her, dressed in her Traditional... AMES GESTURES TO THE AIDE, MEANING, "GET TO IT," THE AIDE NODS HER UNDERSTANDING, AND DISAPPEARS. BREAN (TO DISAPPEARING AIDE) C'n I get something to eat ...? Now the Old Broad starts to speak: you are bringing peace. Not only to This Land... AMES Our adopted land... BREAN ...but to the Old World; you are stilling the forces of hatred and of War which have, since I was a child... AMES ...uh huh... BREAN Now, the Old Lady starts to Weep , Big Bird shrugs off his secret Service , goes to her, and covers her with his own coat. AMES (CALLING OUT) Find out is there any chance we can get some rain tomorrow, will you...? BREAN (OF PAD) So forth... AMES STOPS TO LOOK AT ANOTHER COMMERCIAL ON TV. THEY TURN TO SEE TWO "YOUNG MOTHER" TYPES, SHOPPING... YOUNG MOTHER ONE ...to vote for. YOUNG MOTHER TWO Well, I think it's like when we thought of Changing Tommy's Pediatrician. Bill said, "Not While he's sick -- cause you Don't Change Horses in the mid..." BREAN TURNS OFF THE VOLUME, AND CONTINUES. BREAN How is Big Bird holding up, by the way? AMES Catching up on his reading. Asked about you, sends his thanks. BREAN Knock on wood. AMES Speaking of thanks... we puttem back in, what does your fellow Moss want? BREAN I dunno.... Ambassador to Togo , somethin', I dunno... he... AMES Maybe he's just a patriot . BREAN Yeah...what was I talking about...? AN AIDE APPEARS WITH A SANDWICH, AND BREAN STARTS TO EAT. AMES How long you been up, you need a nap. BREAN (SHAKING HIS HEAD) Due in Nashville. AMES Nashville ...? BREAN We're gonna do the Team Song . AMES You're tired, Ronnie. BREAN Y'wanna follow the Cattle Drive? Sleep in the Winter. What does Moss want...? Matchmaker comes to the Levinsky Family. Mr. Levinsky, Mrs. Levinsky, would you entertain an offer of marriage for your son Saul, from Princess Margaret of Great Britain. Well, they think, she isn't Jewish, but she's well to-do, a nice old family. Alright, yes, they say. We would consider such an offer. Wonderful, matchmaker says, My Job is Half Done. (HE YAWNS) Now, Look: I got the file , from the L.A. contingent, I got the day-by-day, of how... HE LOOKS AT AMES, WHO IS LOOKING INTENTLY AT THE TV. ANNOUNCER (AS AMES TURNS UP THE SOUND) ...denial from the Albanian Government continues, but this tape, just in... THE SCREEN SWITCHES TO SHOTS OF TRUDY LAROUCHE, IN ALBANIAN GARB, RUNNING TOWARD THE CAMERA, OVER A BRIDGE ACROSS A SMALL STREAM, IN THE B.G. HER BURNING HOUSE, SIRENS, AND THE SOUNDS OF SHOTS, AT WHICH TRUDY COLLAPSES, CONVULSED WITH SOBS. ANNOUNCER ...just having heard her family shot. For the crime of non-cooperation with Albanian Authorities. Apparently, they had a family connection in Canada, along the US border and refused to exploit it to aid the Terrorists to infiltrate this country. (BEAT) They paid with their lives. AMES ...this is magnificent. BREAN ...Stanley Moss... AMES 8 days and we bring it back home.... BREAN RISES, STRETCHES. SOMEBODY SWITCHES THE CHANNEL, AND WE SEE A NEWSMAN DOING A STANDUP IN FRONT OF A STREETVENDOR, WHO HAS A BOARD FULL OF BUTTONS. THE CAMERA PANS OVER THE BUTTONS, WE SEE THE "FUCK ALBANIA," AND WE SEE ONE READING "RUN FROM ALBANIA ? TELL ME ANOTHER ONE..." AND T-SHIRTS SHOWING SIMILAR LOGOS. ANGLE ON BREAN AND AMES SITTING AROUND. AMES LOOKS AT HIM INQUISITIVELY. BREAN None of these are ours. None of em are ours.... (HE SMILES AT AMES) ....that's real politik , Buddy. AMES Waal, I gotta tell you. I've been inside the Beltway fourteen years, and I feel like I Just Got My Feet Wet. THEY KICK BACK, AND WATCH THE TELEVISION, SHOWING IMAGES OF THE TANKS ALONG THE CANADIAN BORDER. AMES And if you think about it: if you think about it, what Is war...? What is war? I mean, aside from the killing , and, all... that isn't so pleasant, ... you in the Service...? (PAUSE) BREAN, UNSEEN BY AMES, GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DOOR TO LISTEN. AMES (CONT.) ...and I'll tell you another thing. President said to me: When this thing... "happened." "It looks like the Building's falling. But , these are the times..." and I wish what he said, we could have used it on TV, and, as a matter of fact, we can , if we... (HE LOOKS AROUND, SEES BREAN STANDING BY THE DOOR.) Look here, here's an idea... Here's an idea... (HE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR.) Turn it on it's head. If we're ahead in the polls , well, hell, this is the time to capitalize on it. What do you think? Get ahead of them, use the percentage points to push forward some of the long- term goals: housing , health-care ref... BREAN GESTURES FOR SILENCE. HE AND AMES LISTEN INTENTLY, THE HUBBUB IN THE ADJOINING ROOM (THE SHOESTORE) HAS PASSED. IT IS SILENT. AMES AND BREAN PEEK AROUND THE WALL OF SHOEBOXES. ANGLE THEIR POV THE AIDES, IMMOBILE. FIVE VERY FIT YOUNG MEN IN SUITS STAND NEAR THE ENTRANCE. ONE YALIE-LOOKING FELLOW IN HIS THIRTIES WALKS THROUGH THEIR MIDST, FROM THE ENTRANCE. HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT AT A TELEVISION, WHICH IS GLARING A COMMERCIAL FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, AND FLICKS IT OFF, ONE OF HIS FIT YOUNG MEN INCLINES HIS HEAD TOWARD THE REAR OF THE STORE, AND MR. YOUNG WALKS TOWARD THE REAR. THE YALIE COMES INTO A FITTING AREA. SEVERAL OF THE SMALL BENCHES USED FOR TRYING ON SHOES... TO AMES AND BREAN. YALIE Who might be the Boss Hog in this operation? (PAUSE) BREAN Feel free to talk to me. YALIE NODS YALIE Cheezit-the-Cops. AMES (TO HIMSELF) Ohmigod... INT OFFICE SUITE, NIGHT. BREAN AND AMES SITTING ON A COUCH. THE YALIE SITTING BEHIND A LARGE DESK, WATCHING A SMALL TELEVISION ON WHICH WE SEE A REPORTER, STANDING NEXT TO SEVERAL VERY GRIM LOOKING MEN IN PARK POLICE SMOKEY HATS. IN A FOREST, BELOW THEM, A LINE OF TANKS FADING ALONG A RIVER. REPORTER ...awaiting the arrival of The President back on American Soil. To still the fears, to answer the questions of this troubled land. Here, along a border once considered more Imaginary than real, I'm Mike Stears, at latitude 45, along the Canadian Border. ANGLE BREAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WATCH. BREAN ...I just missed my plane. AMES You missed your plane ? My life is over. (PAUSE) My life is over. What have you done to me? What have I done? (PAUSE) Fourteen years of Public Service... BREAN Well, keep your wits about you, and let's see if we can't... AMES ...fourteen years... BREAN ...brazen-it-through... AMES Brazen it through? Brazen it through ? They're going to hang us out to dry like the laundry --- do you know what we've ddd ... THE BODYGUARD IN THE B.G. RAISES HIS FINGER TO HIS LIPS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. AMES Do you know what we've done , for Godsake? Do you know what you've.... A BODYGUARD IN THE B.G. SPEAKS UP. BODYGUARD No talking, please. THROUGH IT ALL AMES SITS, WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. A NEW REPORTER TAKES OVER ON TV, BEHIND HER A CHART, A GRAPH OF AN UPWARDLY MOVING LINE. REPORTER With seven days to go before the election, the Fortunes of President... THE DOOR OPENS, THE YALIE COMES TO ATTENTION, MR. YOUNG , A TWENTY-YEAR OLDER VERSION OF THE YALIE, ENTERS, CARRYING A CUP OF COFFEE, NO TIE, HAIR DISHEVELLED. MR. YOUNG (TO YALIE) ...took you long enough. YALIE Found'em as quick as we could, sir. MR. YOUNG When I'm done with'em, we want to dump'em in the District , or stick'em out in the country, have the F.B.I. trip over'em? THE YALIE CONSULTS HIS NOTES. YALIE Legal department says You Pick Em. Depends on how big of a splash you want to make, how long you want them to Go Away for. AMES (SOTTO) Oh, MiGod. BEAT, MR. YOUNG SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY. MR. YOUNG Guess who I am. AMES I'd like to mention a few names , who... MR. YOUNG (LOOKING AT NOTES HE IS HANDED BY YALIE) I know who you are, Mr. Ames. AMES I was acting as a Private Citizen. Nothing that I've done should be construed as reflecting on the orders or intentions of anyone with whom you may have reason to believe I am connected with. (PAUSE) Or in whose employ ... MR. YOUNG Quite touching. AMES And I take this opportunity to suggest that, equally, I admit to nothing , and that I would like my lawyer present. MR. YOUNG NODS. MR. YOUNG Guess what? We show, and N.S.A. confirms, there are no nuclear devices on the Canadian border. (PAUSE) There are no nuclear devices in Albania. Z'at put us in something of a pickle? (PAUSE) Albania has no nuclear capacity. Our spy satellites show "no secret terrorist camps" in The Albanian Hinterland. The F.B.I. and the Border Patrol, And the R.C.M.P. report no repeat no untoward activity along our picturesque Canadian Border. The Albanian Government is screaming its innocence, the world is listening. (PAUSE) There is no War. BREAN (GESTURES AT THE TV, WHERE WE SEE TRUDY LAROUCHE RUNNING ACROSS THE BURNING BRIDGE) Course there's a war. I'm watching it on Television. MR. YOUNG N'who might you be, when all's said and done? BREAN My name is Ronald Brean. MR. YOUNG Who're you working for? BREAN Nobody whose name you want me to say, Mr. Young, I promise you. MR. YOUNG S'all very well, but when the Fit hits the Shan, somebody's going to have to Stay After School, and who do you 'spose that might be. BREAN S'only got to hold for another few days. MR. YOUNG Well, I'm not interested in how long its "got to hold for." BREAN What are you interested in? (PAUSE) MR. YOUNG I'm interested in the Security of My Country, Mr. Brean. AMES As are we all, and I'd like to take this opportunity to suggest that the Security of the country would be ill- served by any, any...any... PAUSE. THEY LOOK AT HIM. AMES (CONT.) Any untoward "revelation" regarding, uh... MR. YOUNG And I think that the Security of the Country would be best-served by its citizens obeying its laws. (OVER HIS SHOULDER, TO AN AIDE) Gemme a Federal Judge, gemme search-warrants, all premises controlled by our friends, and bench-warrants for the two of... BREAN (SIMULTANEOUSLY, WITH THE ABOVE SPEECH) Well, I'm sure that speaks very well of you and for your parents. But if forced to choose between the security of the country and the security of your Job, which would you pick. And, while you hesitate, permit me to suggest that they are one and the same. Your country and your job. MR. YOUNG I'm doing my job, Mr. Brean. That's what you see me doing here. What is it you thought you were doing? AMES And I'd like to point out that I've been on prescription medication , the side-effects of which... BREAN I'm doing my job, Too. (OF THE AIDE) Would you give me a... do you think you could call off your Dogs for a minute. PAUSE. MR. YOUNG LOOKS AT THE AIDE, WHO IS EXITING, AND NODS. THE AIDE STAYS BEHIND. BREAN (CONT.) Thank you. MR. YOUNG What's on your mind? BREAN I have a question for you. MR. YOUNG Ask it. BREAN Why do people go to war? MR. YOUNG Why do people go to war? MR. YOUNG I'll play your silly game. BREAN Why do they go to War? MR. YOUNG To preserve their Way of Life. BREAN Would you go to War to do that? (PAUSE) MR. YOUNG I have. BREAN Well, I have, too. Would you do it again ...? In't that why you're here? I guess so . N'if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? Your "ability to fight a Two-ocean War" against who? Sweden and Togo ? Who you sitting here to Go To War Against? That time has passed . It's passed . It's over . The War of the Future is Nuclear Terrorism . It is and it will be against a Small Group of Dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments , have blah blah blah. And to go to that war, you've got to be prepared . You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future , and if you're not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. N'you're gonna be out in the street. (PAUSE) And you can call this a "drill," or you can call it "job security," or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, "Go to War to protect your Way of Life," well, Chuck, this (HE GESTURES AROUND THE ROOM) is your way of life. Innit? And if there ain't no war, you can punch out, go home, and take up Oil Painting. And there ain't no war but ours. (PAUSE) HOLD ON THE GROUP. BREAN (CONT.) It's just for eight more days..... INT CORRIDORS C.I.A. COMPLEX AMES, AND BREAN ACCOMPANIED BY SEVERAL BODYGUARD TYPES AND THE YALIE. BREAN (TO THE YALIE) One more thing, what is that river she's running across? YALIE What? BREAN ...the young girl in the video, the Albanian Girl.... YOUNG NODS, AND MAKES A NOTE IN A BOOK. BREAN TURNS TO AMES. BREAN ...she's running, it's some sacred... some ancestral land , cloven by the Brook named.... give it to Moss, YOUNG No, we're on top of it. BREAN Thank you. YOUNG No, thank you ... BREAN (HE CHECKS HIS WATCH) I should be in Nashville, tell him I'm coming in. BREAN (TO AMES) (GESTURING TO THE YALIE, AND BODYGUARDS.) Nice enogh people... they just hadn't thought it through... AMES, AS HE WALKS, TAKES OUT HIS CELLPHONE, AND DIALS. AMES (INTO THE PHONE) No. I was busy. (PAUSE) Yes, I need the new poll fig.... how long? I'll call in from Nashville. And patch me through to the Big Bird, will...? (TO BREAN) I've got to hand it to you. They sure let us out of there easy.... BREAN (TO HIMSELF) ...they just hadn't thought it through... THE YALIE SHAKES BREAN'S HAND, AND GESTURES FOR A DOOR TO BE OPENED. BEYOND THE DOOR WE SEE A HELIPAD, AND THE ROTORS OF A HELICOPTER JUST BEGINNING TO TURN, BREAN WAVES, AND TROTS OUT TO THE HELICOPTER. INT HELICOPTER NIGHT. AN AIRCREWMAN, LISTENING TO A SMALL RADIO. RADIO (VO) Midst repeated denial from the Albanian Government. While, at the White House, a sense of Stillness pervades, awaiting the return of... THE AIRCREWMAN SNAPS TO ATTENTION AS BREAN COMES INTO THE AIRCRAFT, BUCKLES HIMSELF INTO A WEBSEAT, AND FALLS ASLEEP. HE ROUSES HIMSELF, TAKES OUT HIS NOTEBOOK, AND STARTS TO WRITE IN IT. EXT PARKING LOT, NASHVILLE DAWN. A SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT, A HUGE COWBOY HAT ADORNS A STORE CALLED "KELLEY'S WESTERN WEAR." AT THE SUPERMARKET, SHOPPERS, PUSHING CARTS PILED HIGH -- THE WIFE PUSHING, THE HUSBAND GUARDING THE CART WITH A RIFLE. A FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT. NO ONE NOTICES THE HELICOPTER. BREAN IS GETTING INTO A JEEP, ITS TOP OFF, DRIVEN BY A FELLOW IN WESTERN GETUP, ON THE SIDE IS PAINTED A GUITAR. IN THE B.G. WE SEE THE HELICOPTER LIFTING OFF. IN THE JEEP ARE THE FAD KING AND MOSS. ANGLE THE JEEP, AS BREAN SETTLES HIMSELF IN HE TURNS TO LOOK AT THE CHAOS IN THE PARKING LOT. COWBOY It ain't hoarding. It's stockpiling . BREAN Uh huh. COWBOY Only common sense. MOSS (OF THE BOOK) We got the guy, we got the guy, we got the Guy! FAD KING The Canada Thing was a shuck. A shuck -- wasted a day. What can you do with Canada? Bears, mapleleafs, "sugar -on-Snow." Lays there on the plate like a lox. ANGLE AMES ON THE PHONE IN THE JEEP. AMES Yes... Hello...? (PAUSE) What ...? What ...? We're breaking up, I'll call you from the studio. INT RECORDING STUDIO NASHVILLE, DAY. THE COWBOY, MOSS, FAD KING, AMES, AND BREAN WALKING THROUGH THE LOBBY AND CORRIDOR OF A NASHVILLE STUDIO, MANY GOLD AND PLATINUM RECORDS ON THE WALL. THEY PASS AN ELDERLY AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN SWEEPING THE HALL, AND NOD AT HIM. BREAN (REACHES INTO HIS JACKET POCKET) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, get this typed, get somebody to send it to the White House... HE HANDS IT TO MOSS. MOSS What is it? BREAN President's speech. MOSS At the Airport? Cause we decided at the Airport he hugs the fat, wet Albanian Broad, we... BREAN No, no, no, no, no after the airport. THEY TURN AROUND, LOOKING FOR AMES, WHO IS HANGING BACK, LOOKING AT A TV. THEY RETRACE THEIR STEPS. CAMERA TAKES THEM TO AMES, WHO IS WATCHING SENATOR NOLE ON TV. AMES (SOFTLY) Oh, shit... NOLE ...gotten word that the situation in Albania is resolved. That it is resolved. My military sources confirm that our troops, along the Canadian Border, And overseas are standing down, and I must take this opportunity to call upon our President to stand and face the charges, the heinous charges brought against him. You know, folks, there is nothing in life as precious as the Innocence of a Child. (PAUSE) Nothing. Now, I do not say these charges are true, I do not see how they could be. Accusations of, of sexual misconduct in anyone , must be investigated. In the case of a Sitting President, of one whose term, and I do not hesitate to mention it, ends , in, effectively, in a matter of days... I call upon the President... AMES What does he mean The Situation has Been Resolved? BREAN He just got Hip to us. (PAUSE) He just ended the War. CAMERA TAKES THEM INTO THE RECORDING STUDIO. AMES What are we gonna do about it...? WE SEE SEVERAL PEOPLE AT A CONSOLE, AND, IN THE STUDIO, A BRIGHT SASSY LOOKING GROUP, SINGING. GROUP We guard the Northern Borders. We live the Northern Liiiiifffe... We come to restore Order... For our Children and our Wiiiiiiiffee... BREAN (TO ENGINEER) Tell'em to knock it off. THE ENGINEER TELLS THE GROUP TO STAND DOWN. PAUSE AMES What are we going to do? BREAN (TO MOSS) The War is Over. MOSS What? BREAN The War is Over. Senator Nole just ended the War. AMES Oh, God... BREAN Yep. Well, we started it, he Ended it... ANGLE ON THE TV. TELEVISION REPORTER ...and the C.I.A. Confirms the cessation of Hostilities, with... BREAN The C.I.A. AMES Oh, Lord.... BREAN ...those limp-dick ... turncoat ... I thought they let us out of there too easy..... HE REACHES OVER AND FLICKS OFF THE TV. BREAN (TO MOSS. CONT.) War's over, Pal. (PAUSE) IN THE B.G. AMES PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS. AMES (ON PHONE) Gloria -- sell the House. (HE HANGS UP) (PAUSE) MOSS The War ain't over. (PAUSE) BREAN I saw it on TV. MOSS The war ain't over til I say it's over. This is my picture. You think you're in a spot ? You think this is a tight spot? Try making the Hunchback of Notre Dame when your three lead actors die , two weeks from the end of Principal Photography. This is... this is... this is just... (PAUSE) Act One: THE WAR. Act Two ... the... uh... FAD KING It's like those Japanese in the Caves on Okinawa... didn't believe the War was Over. MOSS You got a guy, doesn't believe the War is... NO NO NO. An American Serviceman... A brave American Serviceman, is Left Behind ... (HE LOOKS AT THE FAD KING, WHO IS MASSAGING HIS FOOT, HAVING TAKEN OFF HIS SHOE) He is Left Behind. He is discarded like an Old Shoe... (TO BREAN) Gemme the Pentagon. List of people in all Military Special Programs.... Left behind. Like the Old Shoe... Johnny: "Good Old Shoe"... (JOHNNY NODS) BREAN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS. BREAN Hello...? FAD KING PICKS UP THE PHONE. FAD KING Yeah, I need a list, people in Military Special Pro... MOSS ...what do you got? FAD KING (INTO PHONE) Military Special Programs... Programs ... No, I am not Shouting at you, I'm... I'm sorry. Anyone named Shoe Schumann? Schuster ... uh JOHNNY GREEN, ANGLE ON HIM, HIS EYES LIGHT UP. JOHNNY GREEN I got it! HE TAKES OUT HIS GUITAR, AND STARTS TO STRUM. HE PICKS UP A PENCIL. IN THE B.G. WE SEE THE OLD AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN COME INTO THE STUDIO, AND START CLEANING UP. SINGER "I guard the Northern Borders..." Okay, y'want to roll on another one...? JOHNNY GREEN Naaa. Fuck that. Fuck that... ENGINEER ...go get a Coke. Y'want something to eat ...? SINGER We gonna be long, cause I told my wife... DISSOLVE INT STUDIO. NIGHT. VAST AMOUNTS OF TAKE-OUT FOOD WRAPPING. AMES, BREAN, JOHNNY GREEN, MOSS, THE ENGINEER, SITTING AT THE CONSOLE. IN THE STUDIO, AN OLD, BLACK SINGER, ARRANGING MUSIC ON THE STAND IN FRONT OF HIM. HE HOLDS A VERY BATTERED OLD GUITAR. JOHNNY GREEN, STILL SCRIBBLING ON MUSIC PAPER, GOES INTO THE STUDIO, AND HANDS A SHEET TO THE SINGER, AND LEAVES. THE SINGER IS THE OLD MAN WE SAW SWEEPING UP. SINGER (SINGS) Good Old Shoe Good Old Shoe...never left you hangin, Just a Good Old Shoe... (HE STOPS, TALKS TO THE CONTROL ROOM) I'm sorry, Barry, the action on this... where the hell did you get this old thing? ENGINEER (TALKING THROUGH THE P.A.) ...found it in a pawnshop. Three bucks. THE SINGER SMILES, SHAKES HIS HEAD, STARTS TO TUNE A STRING. MOSS Don't tune it too good. ENGINEER Leave it flat, will you, Ben? THE SINGER NODS. ENGINEER Do another? SINGER Let's do it. ENGINEER (CUING THE TAPE) Good Old Shoe... MOSS (SHOWS THE PHOTO OF SCHUMANN TO BREAN) William Schuman. Old Shoe. U.S. Army. Serial number, 21-31-2841-262. ENGINEER Take ten. SINGER He's the Runt of the Litter Waal that's true N'I found him jest hiding in an Old Work Shoe N'he got into mischief, as a Pup will do. But I never had a better than my Good Old Shoe. Waal, we's out jest a-huntin, on a Cold Fall Day, and it seems like that Possum 'bout to Get Away... MOSS It's too clean. ENGINEER Hold it a minute, Benny, willya? MOSS It's too clean. ENGINEER Let's take the bridge from nine , and the intro from one , and... MOSS It's got to sound like an acetate recording, 1930. ENGINEER Hold it a minute, Benny, we're going to tweak it a bit. (TO THE GROUP) This may take a while. BREAN (TO JOHNNY, AND MOSS) This is fantastic. JOHNNY GREEN Y'like it? Wait'll you get to the bridge ... BREAN This's Fantastic... JOHNNY GREEN (TO ENGINEER) Don't go with the bridge from nine , go with the bridge from eight . ENGINEER Why eight ? JOHNNY GREEN Just try it. IN THE B.G. WE SEE AMES TALKING INTO THE CELLPHONE. AMES A new take on the... Well, sir, we're coming back, we'd like you to try it out, this evening... MOSS Listen to what I've ... listen to... does anybody know Morse Code? BREAN What're you gonna do with Morse Code? MOSS (NODS, POINTS TO THE GLOSSY PHOTO) ...we put your Guy in a sweater ... BREAN Yeah...? MOSS "Good Old Shoe -- " We put him in a sweater. WE HEAR A WHISTLE. HEADS TURN. THE COWBOY TYPE IS WHISTLING. HE IS OVER AT A COFFEE AREA, LOOKING AT A SMALL TELEVISION, THE GROUP MOVES TO THE TV. ON THE TELEVISION WE SEE A TALKING HEAD, ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF THE PRESS. IN THE B.G. AIRFORCE ONE IS ROLLING TO A STOP. WE SEE THE RAMP COME DOWN AND THE PRESIDENT COME OUT IN THE RAIN AND HURRY TOWARD A WAITING HELICOPTER. HE SEES SOMETHING OFF TO THE SIDE AND STOPS, HIS AIDES TRY TO DISSUADE HIM, BUT HE PULLS AWAY. THE NEWS CAMERA HUNTS AND FINDS A SMALL ALBANIAN GIRL, CARRYING A SHEAF OF WHEAT IN HER HANDS, AN OLD WOMAN BEHIND HER, BOTH STANDING IN THE RAIN. THE PRESIDENT ADVANCES, AND MOVES TO LET HIS AIDES LET THE CHILD COME FORWARD. WE SEE THE PRESIDENT, MOVED AT THE SIGHT OF THE LITTLE GIRL, OFFERING HIM THE SHEAF OF WHEAT, WE HEAR A REPORTER, V.O. REPORTER (VO) ...trying too... it seems that she is speaking in... is is Albanian ... Is it Albanian? Can we get someone on... A WOMAN'S VOICE COMES ON, A TRANSLATOR. TRANSLATOR (VO) ...salvation of our Country. To...to "intercede" where violent men would work to destroy ... to destroy Harmony. Now is the Harvest Season in my Land, and I bring you... (SHE HANDS HIM THE WHEAT) I bring you this traditional Albanian, forgive me not to speak English, but my Grandmother... THE CAMERA MOVES ONTO THE GRANDMOTHER, STANDING, NODDING, BEHIND THE LITTLE GIRL, AND THE PRESIDENT, REALIZING FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT THE OLD WOMAN IS STANDING IN THE RAIN, MOVES TO HER, REMOVES HIS SUITCOAT, AND PLACES IT OVER HER HEAD. SHE CLASPS HIM TO HER BOSOM. SHE SPEAKS TO HIM IN ALBANIAN. TRANSLATOR God bless you, God bless you, you are my Son... you are a Bringer of Peace... WE HEAR A PHONE RING. ANGLE WIDER, ON THE GROUP AT THE TV, ALL SHAKING THEIR HEADS SADLY. AN AIDE HANDS THE PHONE TO MOSS, WHO GIVES IT TO BREAN. BREAN Hello? EXT ANDREWS AIRFORCE BASE DAY. CAIN, FROM THE PRESS CORPS, ON A CELL PHONE, BEHIND HER THE SPECTACLE OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRL AND THE OLD WOMAN, WE SEE THE RAIN IS BEING SUPPLIED BY RAINBIRD MACHINES, THE DAY IS CLEAR. CAIN ...getting the speech for the White House...? (PAUSE) Good. Good. Because he's.... ANGLE, INT THE STUDIO, ON BREAN, ON THE PHONE. BREAN He can't respond to the Allegations. (PAUSE) I don't care how many girlscouts are picketing the ... look, look, look, we're coming home with Gold . Eh? Tell him to hold firm for two hours ... coming home with Gold. MOSS (TO FAD KING) Did we ever use those costumes for the Border Patrol? Those guys in the Leopard-Skin Hats ? Here's my idea.... INT LIMO DAY. THE BACKSEAT OF A LIMO AMES AND BREAN WITH A PHONE TO HIS EAR. THE TELEVISION ON, SHOWING THE GIRL RUNNING ACROSS THE FLAMING BRIDGE, MOSS, FIDDLING WITH THE VOLUME ON THE TAPE PLAYER, WHICH IS PLAYING "GOOD OLD SHOE." BREAN (INTO PHONE) I'll hold. WE HEAR THE SCRATCHY RENDITION OF "GOOD OLD SHOE" ON THE TAPE PLAYER. AMES ...this is a snappy song.... MOSS What'd ya think? BREAN I think it's fine? MOSS It's not too clean ... BREAN No, it's... (ON PHONE) I'll, yes, I'm holding, but... (TO MOSS) No, it's ... HE STOPS AND GESTURES MOSS TO TURN OFF THE VOLUME ON THE TAPE. THEY BOTH TURN TOWARD THE TV, WHERE WE SEE A FREEZE FRAME OF THE GIRL ON THE BRIDGE, AND AN INSERT OF A MAP OF ALBANIA. ANNOUNCER Have identified the bridge, and the river from that tape. It is a bridge over the river __________, ... what is it, Mayra, a "rhyme...?" ANOTHER WOMAN IS SHOWN ON THE SCREEN, AS THE ANGLE WIDENS. MAYRA Actually, Bess, it's an ode, an ancient Albanian ode, praising the river, this particular river, the ________, as a source of peace . It is ironic that.... BREAN (ON PHONE) Hello -- BREAN (ON PHONE) Look: I'm bringing in a tape, I need it copied AT ONCE onto an old acetate, and stuck in the Library of Congress. Gotta Happen Today. MOSS In the Folk Music Section. BREAN In the Folk Music Section. We'll be in in... ON THE TV SCREEN, NOW, IS SENATOR NOLE. BREAN HANGS UP THE PHONE. MAYRA Ironic Bess, that while Peace is At Hand, the spectre of disgrace, unrest haunts the President, who, scant days from the Election... INT. MALL -- DAY BREAN MOSS AND AMES. WALKING -- AN AIDE GIVES BREAN A PHOTO. BREAN ...this the Guy. MOSS Oh, he's gonna be Aces. BREAN Where is he now? MOSS (SHRUGS) Some, military... Special Program, Oklahoma somewhere... BREAN ...we get our hands on him? MOSS They got him standing by. BREAN What's the thing with Morse Code... MOSS Oh, you're gonna love this: INT MALL H.Q., SHOESTORE DAY. WE SEE THE ASSEMBLED THRONG LISTENING TO THE END OF THE SONG, "GOOD OLD SHOE," RAPT. BREAN RISES, AND FLIPS OFF THE TAPE. BREAN Who said, "I care not who writes a country's laws, so long as I can write its songs..."? Stanley Moss, folks... THE GROUP STARTS APPLAUDING. MOSS Hey, hey, I'm just the Producer, I'm just the Stationmaster , Johnny Green wrote that song, and... AMES All we have to do now is sell it to the President. BREAN No, I'm telling you, this guy, this guy is aces , this guy is the Kitty's Sleepwear, this guy, they should of given him every Oscar. Every Oscar. This is the... AN AIDE ENTERS, HOLDING A BOX GINGERLY, SHE BRINGS IT TO BREAN, WHO OPENS IT, HOLDS IT TO THE CAMERA, IT CONTAINS A RATTY OLD 78 RECORD "FOLKLORE OF THE RURAL SOUTH, VOLUME THREE, 'GOOD OLD SHOE' WRITTEN AND SUNG BY NATHANIEL HORN, 1934, ATHENS, GA." BREAN (HOLDING IT UP) Well, this is genius. Who did this? MOSS My prop guy, had a guy out here. BREAN (TO THE AIDE) Get it in the stacks at the Library of Congress, Now. (TO THE ASSEMBLE) Who's seeing the guy at C.B.S.? A YOUNG WOMAN RAISES HER HAND. BREAN Tonight, you remember some song , from your folksong days, something about a Good Old Shoe... AIDE ...tonight... BREAN You're with him tonight, watching the President's Speech, when the President... AIDE What if he's busy tonight? BREAN Lure him. (PAUSE) AIDE What are you saying... BREAN Well, darlin' I ain't your confessor. Tell him you've got some info on the President's sex scandal, it's on your conscience, believe me, he'll drop what he's doing. Okay; Now : Folks, folks, folks, this is a shitty business, and it needs no Ghost Come From the Grave to tell us that. But in Six Days, Lord willing n'Jesus Tarries, I am going to take you beauties into the second term. .....wait til you hear the speech tonight. The 3-0-3 Speech... where's the Fad King, by the way... AIDE (ON THE TELEPHONE, LOOKING WORRIED) ...on the way in. BREAN When you... (TO AIDE) What? I'm busy. AIDE It's the White House. HE HANDS THE PHONE TO BREAN. BREAN Hello . (PAUSE) What? MOSS What? BREAN What do you mean he won't do it? (PAUSE) He won't do what ? (TO MOSS) He won't do the sp... (TO PHONE) It's what? It's corny ? Corny ? Is that the word? Of course it's corny. We wouldn't have him say the flippin' thing it wasn't corny. Put... listen, it's not a question, we're locked in to this speech. NO We're, Are You Listening? LOCKED IN. We're, we're playing way past it, we're past it -- it's the set-up for...he has got to say the speech. (PAUSE) Tell Ames to meet me at the West Gate in... (HE CHECKS HIS WATCH AND HANGS UP THE PHONE) ANGLE AT THE TV, MOSS IS WATCHING THE TELEVISION WHICH IS SHOWING THE "CHANGE HORSES CAMPAIGN." WE SEE TWO KIDS WITH SOAPBOX RACERS. KID ONE (OF HIS MACHINE) ...change it, but I said to my dad, "You Don't Change Horses in the Mid..." MOSS (OF TV) Can you believe this shit? BREAN GRABS MOSS, AND THEY EXIT HURRIEDLY. THE TV GOES TO A CARD READING "COMMITTEE TO RE-ELECT THE PRESIDENT," AND THEN TO A TALK-SHOW FORMAT, THE WOMAN SPEAKING TO A HIGHLY DECORATED GENERAL. GENERAL Yes. Thank God, I say. Thank God for the B-2 Bomber. Thank God for it, for it is not an engine of War, but an engine of Deterrence , as we've seen, and were it not for that deterrence, who is to say, but that American blood, would, even now ... EXT WHITEHOUSE. PENNSYLVANIA AVE. DAY. MANY PLACARDS, ON THE GROUND, SHOWING MAPS OF ALBANIA, IN A RED CIRCLE WITH THE RED LINE THROUGH IT, HELD ALOFT, PLACARDS READING, "DON'T CHANGE HORSES," PHOTOPLACARDS SHOWING THE PRESIDENT WITH THE GIRLSCOUT AND THE MOTTO: "THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS." A REPORTER IS INTERVIEWING A POLICEMAN. POLICEMAN (TALKING INTO A MICROPHONE) I was in the Vietnam Conflict, and I want to tell you that a man who could do what the President did -- I respect him. But, on this issue.... EXT WHITEHOUSE WESTGATE. DAY. A VAN MARKED "JIFFY LOCKSMITHS" IS WAVED THROUGH THE GATE. ANGLE AT THE DRIVETHROUGH PORTICO, AMES WAITING, WE SEE THE VAN, ON WHICH SOMEONE HAS SPRAYPAINTED "FUCK ALBANIA." INT WHITEHOUSE. AMES, CAIN AND LEVY STANDING THERE, WAITING, AS BREAN AND MOSS, DRESSED IN LOCKSMITHS COVERALLS, ENTER THE WHITEHOUSE/ CAMERA TRAVELS WITH THEM AS THEY STRIDE DOWN THE HALL. MOSS (TO AN AIDE) Gemme all your secretaries, puttem in an office now, Would you? Would you do that? (PAUSE) Gimme thirty secretaries... AMSE NODS AT LEVY, WHO TAKES OFF ON HIS MASTER'S BUSINESS. MOSS I need the President. Five minutes of his time. Eh? Five... "the speech is corny"...?? (TO BREAN) You know, this is what they used to say when I went out to Hollywood. "It's too theatrical"... I came from the Theatre, and, anything, over their heads, "It's too Theatric..." AMES He thinks it's too... BREAN First of all, we're locked in to it, secondly : MOSS Don't tell me that the speech is too corny. Your guy got caught with his hand in the cookie Jar. I came to Save him. I don't need this gig, I don't need the money, I don't need the tsuris ... I don't need it. He needs the gig. Y'r gonna go to the goddamn Doctor an exam, What've I got? He tells you you've got Cancer, you tell him, "That's Old Hat, gimme something else"...? HE IS STEERED INTO AN OFFICE, HE OPENS THE DOOR, AND WE SEE THE LAST OF TWENTY SECRETARIES, WANDERING, TAKING SEATS IN A SMALL WAITING ROOM. HE TURNS. AND WE SEE THE BACK OF THE PRESIDENT, ENTERING. AMES Mr. President, this is St... MOSS Hi, How are ya? Listen to this, willya... MOSS TAKES A SHEAF OF PAPERS FROM HIS POCKET AND GOES THROUGH THE DOOR FROM THE SMALL OFFICE INTO THE WAITING ROOM. LEAVING THE DOOR HALF-OPEN, THE PRESIDENT WAITS BEHIND, LOOKING ON THROUGH THE HALF OPEN DOOR. MOSS (TO THE SECRETARIES) ...Ladies, thank you for coming. I have in my hand a . It is a photograph of a man. His name is William A. Schumann . He is the part of the team, of unit 303, who dropped behind Albanian Lines. We've just received this photograph, of Schumann in captivity. Held by a dissident, a renegade group of Albanian Terrorists. (HE HOLDS THE PHOTOGRAPH UP) I'm going to call your attention to something...I don't know how many of you know Morse Code ... ANGLE BREAN, AND AMES, IN THE CORRIDOR. PACING. PAUSE. AMES You need this Schumann fellow? BREAN Ronnie says we don't need'em for another four days. (PAUSE) ...s'there a problem? AMES No. No...Pentagon says, Army's got'em, they got'm in ..."Custody"... (PAUSE) BREAN How's your wife? AMES Fine. (PAUSE) THE DOOR BEHIND THEM OPENS. BEAT. THEN A WEEPING SECRETARY COMES OUT. BREAN, MOVES INTO THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY AMES, WE SEE A ROOM FULL OF SECRETARIES, QUIETLY WEEPING. BREAN LOOKS AROUND FOR MOSS. HE SPOTS HIM THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR. ANGLE. HIS POV, IN THE OVAL OFFICE, MOSS, HANDING THE SPEECH BACK TO THE PRESIDENT. MOSS "The Speech Won't Work..." MOSS STARTS OUT OF THE OFFICE, BACK TOWARD THE CAMERA, AND THEN TURNS BACK TO THE PRESIDENT. MOSS ...and see if you can keep your dick in your pants two more weeks, willya ...? (HE CLOSES THE DOOR) (TO HIMSELF, DEROGATORILY) "...speech won't work..." AS HE STARTS TO LEAVE THE ROOM, ONE OF THE WEEPING SECRETARIES TAKES HIS HAND AND KISSES IT... HE PICKS UP HIS LOCKSMITH KIT, AND STARTS DOWN THE HALL, MOTIONING TO HIM TWO SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS, "LET'S GO..." HOLD ON THE WAITING ROOM, ONE OR TWO RESIDUAL WEEPING SECRETARIES DABBING AT THEIR EYES. AND A SIGN ON THE BOARD, READING 6 DAYS TO ELECTION, AND %-IN- FAVOR -- 37%. AN AIDE GOES OVER TO THE BOARD, A PHONE TO HIS EAR, AND WIPES OUT 37% AND INSERTS 27%. INT STUDIO APARTMENT NIGHT. A YOUNG FELLOW, IN BLUEJEANS AND T-SHIRT, EATING POPCORN OUT OF A BOWL AND WATCHING TELEVISION. ON THE TELEVISION, THE PRESIDENT, IN THE OVAL OFFICE. TV (VOICE OVER) Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States. WE SEE THE FORM OF THE PRESIDENT COME TO THE PODIUM, AND CAIN MOVES TO THE BACK OF THE READYROOM, WHERE SHE WATCHES, THROUGH A TWO-WAY MIRROR, THE BACK OF THE PRESIDENT, AS THE PRESIDENT PREPARES TO GIVE THE SPEECH. WE SEE, BEYOND THE PRESIDENT THE PODIUM, AND THE GLASS WITH THE TELEPROMPTER TEXT PRINTED ON IT, AS IT SCROLLS UP, AND WE SEE CAIN FOLLOW ALONG, ON THE TEXT AT HER HAND. PRESIDENT Thank you, would you be seated, please. (PAUSE) Ladies and Gentlemen... I thank. A merciful God. And I am sure each and every one of us will thank that Supreme Power, whatever we conceive that power to be -- that peace is at hand. MURMUR AMONG THE PRESSCORPS. THE PRESIDENT CLEARS HIS THROAT, AND TAKES A SIP OF WATER. CAIN LOOKS UP, AND WE SEE ON A VIDEOMONITOR, WHICH SHOWS A REARVIEW OF THE PRESIDENT, THE SAME TELEPROMPTER IMAGE HE SEES, WHICH READS: ...That peace is at hand... (CLEAR THROAT AND TAKE A DRINK) ANGLE THE PRESIDENT, CONTINUIN TO SPEAK. PRESIDENT The threat of Nuc1ear Terrorism has been quelled. We are in contaot with the Albanian Premier, who assures me, and this government credits his assurances, that his country does not wish us ill, and has not. That the threat which we perceived was not of his wish, or of his making. ANGLE CAIN, MOUTHING ALONG, WITH THE SPEECH, SHE LOOKS DOWN, AND WE SEE WRITTEN, ON HER COPY. of his making (BITE LIP) ANGLE AS WE LOOK UP, WE SEE THE PRESIDENT BITING HIS LIP, AND CONTINUING WITH THE SPEECH. PRESIDENT From whence did it come? Our information states it came from a small group of armed, dissidents. Of Armed and Violent Dissidents... ANGLE ON CAIN, AS SHE LOOKS AROUND. ANGLE, HER POV. THE GROUP, LISTENING SPELLBOUND. ANGLE CAIN, AS SHE SMILES TO HERSELF. ANGLE ON THE PRESIDENT. AS HE CONTINUES. PRESIDENT (C) But that group has been, in the main, subdued. Now: How did we come by this information? And. Who subdued that group? (THE PRESIDENT COUGHS) ANGLE CAIN LOOKS DOWN AT HER SCRIPT. SHRUGS, AND LOOKS UP. ANGLE ON THE PRESSCORP, THE REPORTERS, LISTENING WIDEMOUTHED, TO THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH. PRESIDENT It falls to me to reveal to you a secret . (PAUSE) To reveal the existence of a secret group of warriors. Men, yes, and women , trained and pledged their strength , their skills , and, if called upon, their lives , in the service of their fellow Americans. A group so secret, its very existence has been known to just a few, and known not by a Name, but by a Designation Number, Three-Oh-Three... INT HEADQUARTERS IN THE SHOESTORE IN THE MALL, NIGHT. LIZ, THE COSTUME DESIGNER, WORKING ON A DRAWING OF A SHOULDER PATCH, ON A BERET. ON ONE SKETCH WE SEE IT IS ON A BLACK BERET, ON THE ONE BELOW IT IS ON A LEOPARDSKIN BERET. ONE VERSION HAS A COUGAR WITH AN OLILTE BRANCH, WE PAN ONTO VERSION TWO WHICH SHOWS A DOVE HOLDING A SWORD. THE NUMERALS 303 FIGURE PROMINENTLY ON EACH. THE BANNER FOR THE MOTTO IS BLANK. LIZ ...anybcdy know Latin. PRESIDENT (VO) ...member of the group, was left behind what were, then, Enemy Lines. (PAUSE) ANGLE ON LIZ, AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE H.Q., ON A BOARD WE SEE "DAYS TILL ELECTION 6" AND % IN FAVOR 82%. A HUGE TV SHOWS THE PRESIDENT. PRESIDENT And I can only say, to those family members, of group 303, which members are, I know, as I speak, gathering to comfort you, the parents of the missing man, I can only say, LIZ I need a Latin Motto, anybody know n'y Latin ...? PRESIDENT ....and the Albanian Government joins with me, that no, I repeat, No effort will be apared, to find... ANGLE INT LIMO, BREAN AND MOSS WATCHING THE TV PRESIDENT (ON TV) ...this brave man and to bring him home. BEAT. BREAN REACHES OVER AND TURNS DOWN THE SOUND. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE. MOSS Trump that , Senator Nole, you Howdy Doody vontz . BREAN Not bad for government work. (PAUSE) Having a good time. MOSS Haven't had so much fun since Live TV. BREAN SIGHS, TAKES A PHOTO OF SCHUMANN FROM HIS POCKET, CAMERA SEES IT CAPTIONED WITH THE NAME WILLIAM SCHUMANN, ETC. PRESIDENT (HOLDS UP A PHOTOGRAPH) Here's a photograph. It is a photograph of a man. His name is William Schumann. He is a Master Sergeant in the United States Army. A member of the Squad 303....dropped behind Albanian Lines. We've just received this photograph, of Schumann in Captivity. Held by a dissident group of Albanian Terrorists...Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the Morse Code...but...could you bring the camera closer in here, please...? THE CAMERA PUSHES IN, TO A SECTION OF SCHUMANN'S SWEATER. PRESIDENT (VO) You will see h