Hi there, it’s me, your potential new partner. Here I am in my default photo—a cropped group shot—reasonably dressed in business-casual attire, enjoying a modestly priced beer. It appears I have a job and maintain a fulfilling social life with a respectable group of friends. I am of lean build, sport just the right amount of stubble, and look to be five-eleven, maybe a full six feet. Not too shabby, definitely worth at least one date. Please go ahead and swipe to my next photo.

SURPRISE, I’m some sort of outdoorsman now! Here I am on a boat with a big awful beard. Also, I look ten years older and essentially unemployable. It seems I got a tattoo of a fish on my forearm since the previous photo was taken. I kind of look like that first guy, but something is . . . off. I appear to have grown an entirely different head of hair, and this one is way worse. On the plus side, I have become extremely muscular. I guess I’m full of surprises—not a bad trait in a partner ;) Go ahead and swipe on.

Ta-da! I’m overweight now and my eyes have changed color and yet I am definitely the same guy. This is a blurry selfie I took with a Webcam—the type of photo that the user always uploads twice in a row for some reason. I looked like I was in my late twenties before but now I could be anywhere between eighteen and thirty-six. It might just be a weird angle, but either way you are confused.

Yep, I did indeed upload the blurry Webcam picture twice in a row. Please proceed to the next one.

Well, this is just getting frustrating, because here’s a group photo taken in a night club and none of the guys in it look like any of the guys in the last three photos. Everyone in it is sloppy drunk and looks like a promoter. The guys are all hot, though—like, extremely hot—so that’s nice. I could possibly be the third guy from the left? He kind of has the same nose and eyes as the version of me in the first photo, but his forehead is smaller than the forehead of the version of me who was on that boat.

Curveball: Here I am looking forty, holding a kid. I have a big beer gut and, inexplicably, I am five-four at most. Is that my kid? He sort of looks like me, but only the version of me from photo No. 3. You’re completely in the weeds now. How about swiping one more time to see if it all comes together?

Presto, change-o—I skateboard! It would now seem that I’m fifteen years old, but the photo is time-stamped with yesterday’s date. What the hell is going on?

O.K., things are heating up, because I fucking look like Thor! Here I am with my long, flowy blond hair and my big, bulging muscles at some sort of rally. This me maybe could be a relative of the preceding guys but, like, a second cousin at best. It would be really nice if this were the version of myself I resembled most in real life. You are suddenly fairly certain you would like to have sex with me.

New twist: no, you wouldn’t! Now I have a receding hairline and am ghostly pale. At this point, a date would be a real gamble. You truly have no idea what you would be getting into. But how about just a few more photos?

Ah, this one is a Theodore Roosevelt quote about discipline over a photo of a mountain. Could be worse.

For instance, here’s that blurry Webcam photo again, but my face has somehow changed in a way that a forensic scientist could not explain. You are straight-up in Uncanny Valley territory now. Please continue.

This one is a headshot. So, what, am I an actor now? The photo appears to have been generated by running all of the previous photos through one of those apps that mashes faces together. But you’ve come this far; might as well see it through to the end of my photo gallery.

O.K., this is a hundred per cent a different guy. He is receiving a diploma in this photo and his nose, jaw, hairline, eye shape, and cheekbones are all new. But, wait, look closer. Pay attention to the forearm. Do you see it? Yes, that is the exact same tattoo from the boat photo. Now check out the time stamp. Yes, this photo was taken on the same day as the skateboarding photo. So what exactly happened on that day? I went skateboarding and then graduated?

By now you realize I am a perfect enigma. I am an unattractive, hot man. I am a short, tall loser with a thriving social life and a lot of money. I am a poor, childless, proud dad. I am everyone, and I am no one. Please message me if you’d like to know more!