PHOTOGRAPH BY GETTY

Two heterosexual men arrive at a New York City bar that they both believe appears in “The Catcher in the Rye.” (A sign clearly states “est. 2007.”)

MATT: It’s nice to finally meet you! I like your flannel shirt that smells like whatever soup you had for lunch.

OTHER MATT: Thank you. It’s my good shirt since it’s only missing one button. I wore it for you.

MATT: Just putting this out there—I don’t normally date men, not that there’s anything wrong with it. A guy I went to camp with was gay and probably still is. I think he should have the right to get married and be miserable just like the rest of us!

OTHER MATT: Uh-oh, dropping truth bombs over here! Haha! I also own a shirt with a bride and a groom on it that says, “Game Over.”

MATT: Haha! Shirts that can also be funny are the best. But, yeah, I just wanted to try out this whole going-on-a-date-with-a-straight-man thing because so many women keep telling me how terrible it is.

OTHER MATT: Same. Of course I believe women—the number of #yesallwomen tweets I’ve retweeted would blow your mind—but I don’t really understand why they keep complaining. They get free drinks!

MATT: I’d like someone to buy me free drinks!

They stand at the bar for an uncomfortable amount of time, silently trying to decide who should pay for the drinks. In the end, they each just use their own credit cards, despite the fifteen-dollar minimum.

MATT: So, uh, what do you do?

OTHER MATT: I take a lot of improv classes, but during the day I work in new-media marketing for Buffalo Wild Wings. It’s not a dream job, but I get to be creative. I love being creative.

MATT: Yeah, I like to journal sometimes and make GIFs. It’s nice to express myself creatively. And I listen to a lot of podcasts—Marc Maron and Ira Glass!

OTHER MATT: Since you bring up progressive male comedians, I would like to tell you that I am a feminist, like them.

MATT: That’s so brave of you to say. I am, too, of course. My mom means a lot to me.

OTHER MATT: I also love my mom. I get her a candle from Target every year on her birthday. And I have a sister, so I’m kinda forced to be a feminist.

MATT: I don’t have a sister, but I imagine that if I did I would want her to be paid equally.

OTHER MATT: I feel like I can be honest with you right now—a female President would’ve meant a lot to me, but I’m relieved it won’t be Hillary. I mean, Donald Trump is bad, but I want women to get the right first female President. They deserve that.

MATT: Look, I voted for Hillary, O.K.? All I’m saying is, if Bernie had been the nominee, we wouldn’t be dealing with all these swastikas popping up everywhere now.

OTHER MATT: That’s all I’m saying! Obviously, I also begrudgingly voted for her. What else do they want? ’Cause I know what I want.

MATT: Elizabeth Warren?

OTHER MATT: Elizabeth. Warren.

Sparks.

MATT: I gotta tell you, I’m kind of a TV-and-movie buff. Have you ever seen “Rick and Morty”? I’m a total nerd for animated shows made for adults.

OTHER MATT: I read this theory about Rick on Reddit—

MATT: I saw that thing on Reddit, too!

OTHER MATT: I have a very unique sense of humor. Hope you can deal with the sarcasm!

MATT: I love sarcasm! I also have a dark sense of humor; Cards Against Humanity is my favorite thing in the world.

OTHER MATT: Also, just a heads up, I’m kind of weird. I spend a lot of time thinking about the postmodern condition and referring to things as Kafkaesque.

MATT: I mean, what is life all about? I think about this constantly. It’s a weird thing about me.

OTHER MATT: Our parents are going to die. How messed up is that?

MATT: Wow, you are dark.

A beat—they both glow with the pleasure of having had their opinions affirmed.

BOTH MATTS: So, do you like craft beer?

Their eyes meet—serendipity.

They spend the night together, indulging in passionate foreplay discussing which seasons of “The Simpsons” are good and which are bad. The later ones, they agree, are bad.

In the morning, each ghosts the other.