I've got a bit of a bone to pick with my Playstation pals.... All the folks over the many years that have attempted to convince me that I need to ditch the Xbox, get on their level.

My main argument has always been over the controller. Yeah, the Duel Shock was a good step, adding the second stick for camera manipulation definitely improved the concept over the N64's C-Buttons. But both sticks being on the bottom of the controller was a bit whack to me, even then. Of course, we still played most things using the D-pad at that point, so the issue was minimal, but as 3-D gaming continued to advance, and we moved towards the PS2 era, the stick placement became a bit more noticeable to me.

Then along came the OG Xbox. Yes, that controller was a goddamn Russian bear I had to wear a back brace to hold up for long stretches, but that left thumbstick being naturally where my thumb lays, as opposed to parallel to my pinky like I'm eating a mechanical cheeseburger, was a revelation. Especially for brawler and fighting games, I think.

Those big bastards broke enough hands that Microsoft needed to release the smaller “S” controller, which was exactly the sweet spot decision. Meanwhile, Duel Shock sticks could be clicked down like buttons, so credit where it's due, that's still a pretty useful addition to this day. But that Xbox stick placement, though. Shit, even Nintendo's modern Pro controllers have the left stick above the D-Pad, it just makes sense!

Since playability is paramount for me, the very well done evolution of the Xbox controller has actually been a huge contributing factor to my continued relationship with the brand. But here's the thing, I'm not here to talk about controllers. I'm not going to take pandering, cliche low shots at the Playstation 5 triggers. No, I just needed to get all of that preface out of the way, to highlight the truly most important thing about gaming to me: games themselves.

I say, sorry Sony gang, I like my sticks where I like them, you must convince me to join your hordes with some killer titles. So, fair enough, you jerks absolutely beat us out on exclusive titles. Ever since the PS2 GTA days (though as is often the case, we got those eventually), and its only gotten more convincing. Last of Us, fuck yeah. An incredible title to be sure, but I could get the important stuff through a Let's Play. Horizon Zero Dawn? Yeah, buddy, that looks amazing, but I have a WiiU, Breath of the Wild can scratch that itch well enough. God of War? Real tough to turn my nose up at that. All I can say is Red Dead 2 blinded me enough to forget my FOMO blues on that one. Spider-Man? Goddammit, okay, I literally once a month, at least, consider buying a whole-ass console just for one game. Yes, that's close to the tipping point.

But my real beef? The game you turds never suggested to me, that would have had me burning my Bill Gates posters and flinging my many X's Box out the nearest window? This one hurts, because you cock suckers never mentioned the Yakuza series, and I need you to know how much that burns me.

Yakuza 0, a prequel game originally released after the fifth title...

-There are eight main games in the series, by the way! Eight! Do you realize how many years of fun I've missed, you fucks?!-

...Anyway, it came out after the fifth on the PlayStation 3, but is the first game to come to an Xbox console as an addition to Game Pass. And it has... consumed me. I seriously can't think of the last time I had such genuine, unadulterated fun with a game that wasn't just, like, an Overcooked, Smash Bros, a party game. It is an absurd piece of gaming euphoria, you guys.

The main story begins in 1988 and follows two former Yakuza members, of different families, in different cities, Kazuma Kiryu of Kamurocho (a neighborhood in Tokyo), and the be-eyepatched Goro Majima of Sotenbori in Osaka. The main story is a crime soap opera so twisty and overly dramatic it would make a Shakspearean pretzel blush, that revolves around these fellows and how they and their former families tie to a mysterious undeveloped lot (the last one, gasp!) in Kamurocho. Seriously this shit is some melodramatic, breakneck anime nonsense, and it is beautiful.

The gameplay mostly revolves around combo based brawler combat with each dude having three styles to switch between, unleashing incredibly brutal and increasingly hilarious violence on any asshole in a leisure suit who wants to throw down. The combat is very fast-paced and fun, featuring decently deep skill trees and many moves, with some real challenges in later bosses. Cash flies out of enemies with harder hits and bigger combos, it is wild. I've seen people online refer to it as "Japanese GTA," (not from anyone I fucking know, mind you! I would have even liked this misguided take over nothing....) but I really think that description undersells and misses the mark. It may be a sandbox crime thriller type, but it is in a whole different place in tone, playstyle, and execution.

Shit, one dude becomes a real estate agent halfway through, and the other runs a cabaret club, and both of those things are tied to side stories about as long as the main game. The real estate has more waiting around but involved buying properties to piss off guys who run parts of town, kick their ass, make them work for you, profit. There was a whole profit management aspect and features a fun little story about these magnates and breaking up their power structure. The cabaret club involved collecting hostesses like fancy pokemon, to come work for you, then you would actually run the club in an incredibly addicting mini-game involving seating the right girls for specific customers, delivering drinks, and keeping the party going, while you gained followers to muscle out the other corrupt club owners all over town.

I cannot stress enough how much fun I had playing this mini-game. If they made a mobile version of just that, I would pay real money. And I don't play games on my phone. But I would play that shit everywhere. It's fast-paced, you have to learn hand signals for drink orders and shit, the music is superbly bubbly. You gain new top tier hostesses as you beat the other clubs, and they each have their own sub-missions where you do conversational training and become friends with them to boost stats. Seriously, post story, I play this shit for fun.

Also, erotic videos in which every girl inexplicably has balloon animals; a full-on underground casino with many table games as well as mahjong parlors; "lonely singles" phone club mini-games featuring lasers; OutRun!, Super Hang-On, and Claw Games; a dude who at one point is identified as "walking erection" will reward you for showing him your collection of cards with pretty girls on them; slot car races; you help a chick finish a crossword puzzle that is a secret proposal from her boyfriend; Whiskey bars with detailed descriptions and trivial history of actual real world Scotch brands; a pretty damn fun bowling game; underground fight coliseum; JAV stars as store clerks; Disco dancing and Karaoke rhythm games; I'm not kidding when I say this game has so fucking much amazing and absurd shit.

-On that note, the sixth game has a cat cafe sub-story. Are you people kidding me?! Who of you knew about this shit and thought, "Well obviously Ian would never enjoy suplexing a street hooligan and then running a cat cafe?" Because you're dead to me.-

Anyway, I'm going to say do yourselves a favor, Xbox and Playstation gang alike, play some Yakuza. 0 is free on Game Pass and is even a steal at $20 if you don't subscribe. The remake of the first game, titled Yakuza Kiwami, will be appearing on Game Pass and the Xbox in general as well, later in the coming months I'll also say, just get a Playstation 4, get all eight games. I'll say it because my shithead friends won't.

Editor's Note: Yakuza Kiwami has actually been released on Game Pass, as of date of publishing this piece (April 22)!