(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”.)

From CARTOON NETWORK…

The channel that puts out so many great animated programs (“Dexter’s Laboratory”, “The Powerpuff Girls”, “Samurai Jack”, “Teen Titans”, “Adventure Time”, “Regular Show”, “Over the Garden Wall”)…

That you’re just barely willing to forgive it for its horrendous animated programs (“The Problem Solverz”, “The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack”, “Teen Titans Go!”, “The New Looney Tunes Show”, “The High Fructose Adventures of the Annoying Orange”)…

And REBECCA SUGAR…

Who used four years of writing for “Adventure Time” to hone her talent for creating episodes that were equal parts tear-jerking, raw nightmare fuel, and not-so-subtle same-sex romance…

Comes a show featuring magic, colorful cartoonish characters, video games, literal star-eyed children, and silliness such as dog helicopters and cookie cat ice cream…and yet is still more mature than “Batman: The Animated Series” and “Teen Titans”!

(Rated “PG” vs. “Y7”)

STEVEN UNIVERSE!

Welcome to BEACH CITY…a locale carved straight out of a Studio Ghibli film and deposited in North America…and founded on the principle that DVD and Blu Ray are from the devil…

(All the times videotapes have been used)

And join STEVEN…a half-human, half-alien boy who made all the overweight male cosplayers of the world rejoice when he came into being…

And his three alien superhero pseudo-moms…the CRYSTAL GEMS!

Characters who are great at the superhero-ing part but are fortunate to live in a cartoon as DCFS would have long since taken Steven out of their custody and slapped them with child abuse lawsuits…

GARNET…

A Terminator-level badass with motherly, nurturing instincts who nevertheless settles everything with physical abuse…

GARNET: I thought…violence…would be the answer…

AMETHYST…

The type of “cool older sister” everyone wanted when they grew up who nevertheless is hypersensitive about her own feelings and takes out her anguish on everyone else’s…

AMETHYST: And what about me, huh? I had someone who was always there for me until she started hanging out with you!

GREG: Don’t do this, Amethyst! Seriously!

AMETHYST: I bet you’d stay for her!

GREG: You wouldn’t…

AMETHYST: What? Do this? (Turns into Rose Quartz)

And PEARL…

Who combines all the aspects of an overbearing aunt with…er…uh…um…just…see for yourself.

PEARL: This will be perfectly fine! Just a pop over to the nearest Star System! I’ll give him back in 50 years.

STEVEN: 50 years?

GREG: What?! I’ll be dead in 50 years!

—

STEVEN: (Referring to his mother) She probably just wanted to protect you like everyone else.

PEARL: What do you know?! You never even met her!

—

YOUNGER PEARL (To Greg): You’re just a “phase”. You know that, right?

YOUNGER GREG: No, I actually don’t know that, Pearl.

YOUNGER PEARL: Heh, well, of course you don’t. You don’t know anything about Rose.

—

GARNET: You tricked me…

PEARL: No! No-no-no-no! We just needed a reason to fuse… I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!

GARNET: Those weren’t “victories”!

—

STEVEN (While hanging from a precipice): Pearl!

(Pearl stares a moment, then turns away from him and lets him hang)

Yeah. It’s…rather understandable how half of the fandom wants her to die.

When Steven isn’t growing up to be a sweet and thoughtful young man in spite of his emotionally scarring parental influences, he’ll spend the bulk of this new age superhero saga…

HANGING AROUND TOWN TALKING TO PEOPLE!

…It’s cooler than it sounds. Trust me.

Including…

CONNIE…

A character who’s such a lovable fangirl/love interest/badass that you’re probably starting to wonder if she’s a touch of a self-insert… (Looks between pictures of Connie and Rebecca Sugar)

SADIE…

The sweet young woman from the donut shop who is so surprisingly good at secretly kidnapping people and killing things via impalement that it’s surprising she doesn’t have more Creepypastas…

RONALDO…

A paranoid schizophrenic who needs to be locked up before he kills…

ONION…

The most hellish demon spawn since Damien from “The Omen” who the show’s creators seem to have forgotten already tried to destroy Beach City and kill the Crystal Gems once… (“Onion Trade”)

LARS…

Who is practically “Reverse Daryll” in that if he dies, everyone rejoices…

And GREG…

Who, in a show that claims to be progressive, is a compassionate, well-meaning, non-abusive, and nurturing single father who gave up his career to be a stay-at-home dad and nevertheless had his son taken away from him by three maternal figures who don’t respect him, dismiss him as weak and ignorant, and abuse him constantly both physically and verbally.

(Yeah, kind of skipped the sexism on that one, didn’t you?)

When not hanging around donut shops and fry stands doing nothing, Steven will be forced to defend Earth using his amazing powers like:

A pink Captain America shield…

Magic grade-school taunts… (Scene where Steven licked his palm and slapped it on Lapis Lazuli’s back, making her shudder)

And…uh…er…bubbles!

To spend 5% of the time combating villains from other worlds like:

JASPER…

A character whose has Bane licked when it comes to a comedic inappropriately-assigned voices…

LAPIS LAZULI…

A Gem created by the Great Diamond Authority for the purpose of introducing plot twists…

And PERIDOT…

The ultimate expression of “biting the hand that feeds you” as she has degenerated into a mockery of the show’s own fandom…

PERIDOT: (While watching “Camp Pining Hearts”) How could anyone indulge in this…baseless drivel?! I’ll have no part of it.

(Cut to her staring wide-eyed at the screen)

PERIDOT: (Log) Hour 78 of “Camp Pining Hearts”…

—

STEVEN: Uh…you’ve been here for a few days…

—

STEVEN: Oh! You made a picture!

PERIDOT: “Picture”? This isn’t just a picture, Steven! It’s a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers!

—

STEVEN: You got all this from one episode?

PERIDOT: Pft…it’s “subtext”, Steven.

—

Right. It’s subtext, Steven! Duh!

And 95% of the time fighting the show’s true villains…

EACH OTHER!

(Fights in “Tiger Millionaire”, “Giant Woman”, “Coach Steven”, “Secret Team”, “On the Run”, “Maximum Capacity”, “Rose’s Scabbard”, “Sworn to the Sword”, “Friend Ship”)

To win, they’ll have to tap into the mysterious alien art known as fusion…

The most not-so-hidden metaphor for sex that you’ve ever seen!

PEARL: A Gem fusing with a human being? It’s impossible! Or at the very least, inappropriate…

—

STEVEN: (After Pearl covers his eyes during the Sugilite fusion) Pearl! Come on! I wanna see!

—

GARNET: (To Stevonnie) You…are an experience! Make sure you’re a good experience!

—

GARNET: (To Peridot, under her breath and smirking) …Let’s fuse.

PERIDOT: OH MY STARS! (Falls over)

GARNET: I get it. You’re not ready. That’s fair.

Watch the amazing series loaded with heart, conflict, emotion, growth, friendship, beautiful landscapes, and one nerd culture reference after another…

(The “Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon” manga, the Game Boy, Game Boy Advance, and Gamecube consoles, the Cloud Strife action figure, etc.)

Er…just as soon as you manage to grit your teeth through the first dozen or so episodes of fluff that look like they were made just to appease the Cartoon Network overlords into turning their back on the rest of the series…

And enjoy heartwarming, “feels-laden” episodes such as…

“Space Race”…

The one where Pearl endangered Steven’s life by trying to take him along on her obsession to leave Earth…

“Rose’s Scabbard”…

The one where Pearl took out her rage at Rose Quartz keeping secrets from her on Steven…

“Sworn to the Sword”…

The one where Pearl tried to train Connie into throwing her life away for the sake of protecting Steven…

“We Need to Talk”…

The one where Pearl, jealous of Greg stealing Rose from her, purposely rubbed in his face the fact she could fuse to try and hurt him emotionally…

“Cry for Help”…

The one where Pearl lied and manipulated Garnet so they could repeatedly fuse…

Um, can someone remind me why I haven’t joined the half of the fandom that hates Pearl yet? Let me think… Uh…er…Oh! There’s…

“Keystone Motel”…

The one where Ruby and Sapphire broke up and had to get back together when they had an argument over…uh…er…Pearl… DAMNIT!

As well as lots…and LOTS…of horror!

(“Frybo”, Steven toward the end of “Cat Fingers”, Malachite, Lapis Lazuli’s visage popping in inside Steven’s dream sequence, the Cluster Gems…)

So sit down and enjoy a groundbreaking series and join the fastest-growing fandom in the USA…

Er, preferably before it kills the show…because they are the most toxic bunch of a**holes this side of the toilet and ratings are dropping.

(Death threats, shaming, attempts to ban Bronies and males from joining, racial bans from fanart and cosplay, and even going so far as to force the show creators to apologize to them.)

STARRING…

70’s Anger… (Ruby)

Deformed Elsa… (Sapphire)

Ursula… (Amethyst)

An oyster’s kidney stone… (Pearl)

Foxy-mus Prime… (Garnet)

Look Ma! No hands!… (Peridot with limb extensors)

The Other Mother… (Lapis Lazuli still “cracked”…)

The Juggernaut Bitch… (Jasper)

A Dr. Seuss character… (Opal)

Funky Kong… (Sugilite)

Bayonetta… (Sardonyx)

Homer Simpson… (Greg)

Lars Ulrich… (Lars)

Slim Sadie… (Sadie)

Hasn’t smiled since “Jingle All the Way”… (Mr. Smiley [voiced by Sinbad])

The Thing… (Frybo)

TETSUUUUO!!… (Steven in “Cat Fingers”)

William Birkin… (Cluster Gem in “Nightmare Hospital”)

Lavos… (The Cluster)

Ben Drowned… (Onion)

Joel Hodgson…wait, seriously? MST3K Joel Hodgson?! No f***ing way!… (Mayor Dewey)

Knives Chau… (Connie)

And…My Name…is HORACE! (Chick-chick) (Steven Universe)

STE-VEN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

So…is Stevonnie a young woman or is she pansexual? Because check out that clip from “Alone Together”. Both Lars and Sadie are totally checking her out. I suppose they could be bi, but…Gah! This is turning into “The Rocky Horror Show”!