It’s almost Halloween. I feel like we need to have a heart-to-heart before this holiday really takes hold.

We need to talk. We really do.

1. If you find yourself browsing Etsy in search of a tie to turn your cat into a businesscat for Halloween, you’re doing things right.

2. If you find yourself entranced by the candy aisle at Target, you’re really on to something. Although… if you’re contemplating Halloween peeps I would urge you to reconsider.

3. If you think a gorilla costume seems like a good idea… for Halloween and just to have around the house: spot on. Well played.

4. If you’re considering entering a haunted house, INSIST on positioning yourself in the middle of your crowd of friends. If you’re first or last in the group you’re probably going to die. Haunted houses are scary and you’ll probably die. I’d die. Seriously. I don’t belong in a haunted house. I’d get my murder scream on. No one likes that.

5. Haunted Hay Ride? Suspicious at best.

6. Listen… if you’re buying the shoes for your Halloween outfit at a shoe store that also sells skimpy spandex outfits and furry handcuffs, I’m really really going to need you to stop that right now.

7. This brings me to a very important point: the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame). Ladies. We’re better than this. We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty. Why!? Why are we doing this!? Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose? Seriously. It’s Wednesday, go for it. Be bold!! Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?

I distinctly remember when the whole slutty Halloween costume entered my life. I was 16. I was an old lady (with shawl, wig, crazy lipstick, and glasses). My best friend Andrea was a French maid. Yep. Lines were drawn. I knew who I was….

8. Don’t be slutty. Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB! Dressing majorly skimpy on a random Tuesday is edgy. Remember that.

9. You might consider: Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Kate Middleton, Mila Kunis in Book of Eli, a random Jennifer Garner/Alias get up. Other suggestions: dress up as your best friend. Be the secretary to your businesscat. Be a California Raisin. Be a bonkers bride. Be Frida Kahlo. Be Michelle Obama… and don’t be slutty Michelle Obama.. that’s just straight disrespectful.

Are we cool? Sweet.

Happy Halloween!