Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.

Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.

Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.

Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.

For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.

Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.

Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.

Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.

Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.

Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.

Pack child's costume with safety flares.

Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.

Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.