Newly minted Trump consigliere Anthony Scaramucci has brought a certain bull-in-a-china-shop aesthetic to a White House already accustomed to trampling things. Scaramucci’s first order of stomping business a week into his new gig: stop the leaks! The calling reporters and mouthing off about colleagues has got to stop, Scaramucci says, and he’s got a plan to stop it. What’s the main thrust of the Scaramucci Doctrine on leaks so far? Scaramucci calling reporters and mouthing off about colleagues. The plan is brilliant in its unconvoluted simplicity. If that doesn’t work, he says he’ll fire everyone. And if that still doesn’t do the trick, he’ll kill everybody because you can’t talk to reporters if you’re dead.

Scaramucci put his strategic vision into action Wednesday night when, after news leaked he was having dinner at the White House with President Trump, the First Lady, Sean Hannity, and former Fox News executive Bill Shine, he called New Yorker Washington correspondent Ryan Lizza and his mouth began leaking phallus-themed expletives like an Atlantic City pit boss before geysering who’s doing what with their “cocks” in the White House gossip.



Scaramucci started the call playing it straight. “Who leaked that to you?” he asked Lizza. “You’re an American citizen, this is a major catastrophe for the American country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it.” When Lizza declined the invitation to hang his source out to dry, Scaramucci moved on to Plan B. Leak on the leakers!

The “Let’s Fire Everybody!” Plan Leak

“Is it an assistant to the President?” [Scaramucci] asked [about the leak]… “O.K., I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks.”

“What I’m going to do is, I will eliminate everyone in the comms team and we’ll start over…”

The Reince Priebus Is a Mentally Unwell Habitual “Cock-Blocker” Leak

“I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.”

“Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channelled Priebus as he spoke: “‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)

The People Are Going to Have to Go “Fuck Themselves” Leak

“The swamp will not defeat him,” [Scaramucci] said, breaking into the third person. “They’re trying to resist me, but it’s not going to work. I’ve done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so they’re going to have to go fuck themselves.”

The Steve Bannon Tries to “Suck His Own Cock” Leak

“I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” [Scaramucci] said, speaking of Trump’s chief strategist. “I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country.” (Bannon declined to comment.)

The Reince Priebus Is Out to Get Me Leak

“He didn’t get the hint that I was reporting directly to the President,” [Scaramucci] said. “And I said to the President here are the four or five things that he will do to me.” His list of allegations included leaking the Hannity dinner and the details from his financial-disclosure form.

The My Back Up Plan Is to Kill Everyone Leak

“What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President’s agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people,” [Scaramucci said].

The I’ve Called the Cops on the Leakers Leak

“I’ve called the F.B.I. and the Department of Justice,” [Scaramucci said].

“O.K., the Mooch showed up a week ago,” he said. “This is going to get cleaned up very shortly, O.K.? Because I nailed these guys. I’ve got digital fingerprints on everything they’ve done through the F.B.I. and the fucking Department of Justice…”

“Well, the felony, they’re gonna get prosecuted, probably, for the felony.” He added, “The lie detector starts—” but then he changed the subject and returned to what he thought was the illegal leak of his financial-disclosure forms.

The I’ve Gotta Go, but It’s the Other Guy That’s Crazy Leak

Scaramucci said he had to get going. “Yeah, let me go, though, because I’ve gotta start tweeting some shit to make this guy crazy.”

Scaramucci should call the FBI on himself.