Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will have on the nation’s highest federal court.


New old white guy to sit up there



Could result in split 4-4 rulings for the foreseeable future as Senator Mitch McConnell will block any nominations until after the next election




Liberal justices’ dissents to be 86% more blistering



Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer permitted to leave sterilized glass dome in Supreme Court chambers




In a small but significant win for progressives, Justice Stephen Breyer will receive a slightly better chair




Supreme Court will better reflect nation by not having any moderate conservatives




Hey, maybe Merrick Garland will get another shot!



Court softball team will likely falter without Kennedy’s .357 batting average and eight home runs




No July birthdays on justice calendar now



Creates the most conservative Supreme Court until Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies

