8. The Seedier the Better





If the pizza establishment looks too dirty for even Amy Winehouse to venture in at the tail end of a 3 day bender or you think you have a 50/50 chance of getting hepatitis, chances are they have the greatest pizza imaginable. Unlike any other dish, the seedier the establishment the greater it is. The best pizza ovens in NYC were constructed in the 1920's and 30's... and the guys that run them usually look like they should be DOING 20-30. This combination = Pizza Perfection!





7. It Contains Enzymes That Makes Beer Taste 1,000 Times Better





While this is not based on scientific fact, from my own extensive beer/pizza studies, I have concluded with some confidence that this is not total BS. Of course these are the same studies which have shown that with enough beer there is no such thing as a butterface and that white people can dance to 80’s music. Both of which were later disproved after review of video evidence.





6. Delivery





Just like Russian mail order brides are delivered for guys who can't get laid (or WoW addicts), pizza delivery is for those of us who can't cook, or are too lazy to operate a microwave. The only difference is that pizza doesn't plan on divorcing you as soon as it gets its green card, taking half your money and giving away your dog to some 8 year old punk in front of PetSmart.





5. It’s known as a Flavor





No other dish is known as a flavor. You don't see Egg Foo Young, Pad Thai Jae or even corned beef and cabbage flavored chips, do you? NO. It's PIZZA. Why? Because it's PERFECT. You see it in Combos, Hot Pockets, and Pringles... even those pesky little goldfish crackers know what's up... Seriously, though, the day that I'm eating pizza flavored ice cream with Marissa Miller... naked... my life will be complete.





4. Common Denominator





Pop quiz, you somehow managed to talk some girls you just met at the your local bar to come back to your place to hang out. They say they're hungry, what do you do? Your first instinct would be to order pizza because everyone in the world loves it... but you are dead wrong. This was a trick question! You give them Jägerbombs and hope it hits them fast because it's just a matter of time before they see your She-Ra collection and get the hell out of there.





3. Italian Made





Between the women and the cars, you know that anything coming from Italy would be nothing short of perfect. And Pizza is no exception. Like all of the insanely beautiful Italian models, pizza is a mix of so many unlikely elements that blend together into an almost unnaturally perfect beauty... a combination so explosive, yet so palatable, no one can deny the fantastically phenomenal nature... um, sorry, got carried away. What I meant to say was, pizza, like Italy's women, is fuckin' hot.

2. The Perfect 3 AM snack

The type of person who says Denny's or Taco Bell is the perfect 3 AM snack, is the same type of person who actually thinks the Vanessa Hudgens look-a-like across the room is waving at them. Really she’s waving at her boyfriend who owns a Bentley and reps 225lbs in their warmup set. The big difference is that pizza joints don't have the stench of despair which is found at 3 AM in a Denny's or a Taco Bell drive through, but instead is replaced by the smell of apathetic mediocrity probably due to the massive joint that the staff smoked on break.





1. It's the only safe way to eat Pepperoni.





Look at that photo. You don't want to kill yourself, right?

Keyshark also happens to write for a sweet site called BugeHoobs.com!

