SCARCE and highly collectable vinyl records are generally awful, it has emerged.

Vinyl junkie Tom Logan said: “Yes it was over a grand but I finally got a seven inch copy of Harmonica Gopher by Bayou Dogg III off some helpful opportunist on Discogs.

“It is very rare because nobody liked it when it came out. Most copies were melted down and made into other things that people actually wanted, like rulers and buckets.

“Listening to it today, it is still shit.

“But it is so rare. Other men do not have it, thus I feel that on some level I have beaten them.”

Collector Stephen Malley said: “I lost my wife and kids after spunking all our food money on obscure records.

“All I’ve got to show for it is a lock-up garage full of atonal jazz, wanky prog rock and, most puzzlingly of all, Italian horror film soundtracks.

“It was worth it.”