I usually make it a policy not to get involved in internet squabbles among bloggers, but I can’t resist this time – largely because one of the blogs is basically a front for a food company, and its owners are acting like adolescents jumping onto social media to slam their Very Worst Enemies from junior high school. Not exactly what I’d call appropriate behavior for corporate executives.

If you read Jimmy Moore’s blog, you know he tested his glucose reaction to Julian Bakery’s low-carb (ahem) bread awhile back, and the results weren’t pretty. The stuff spiked his glucose just like any other bread. Others have reported the same result. One angry customer even had the bread tested by an independent lab, which found that it contains way more carbohydrate and far less fiber than the company claimed. The FDA also sent the company a warning letter about the claims on its label. Jimmy reported that too.

Now, this is the point at which intelligent, mature executives would either keep mum and let the controversy pass, or perhaps announce that they’re working on fixing some errors in their process. But the goofballs running Julian Bakery aren’t intelligent or mature, so they stooped to producing blog posts and YouTube videos “exposing” Jimmy Moore as a fraud … oh, and Diane Sanfilippo too. I don’t know how or when she angered the adolescents running Julian Bakery, but they apparently felt the need to “expose” her too.

The blog posts and videos consist of the people who run Julian Bakery interviewing each other as experts … so it’s all roughly as believable as watching executives from Monsanto interviewing each other on the health benefits of semi-dwarf wheat. That alone would merely be laughable, but then the same people claiming to be angry over accusations of fraud prove what honest and trustworthy people they are by engaging in fraud — this time using pictures.

The pictures appear in a post with the laughable title of Low Carb Blogger & Author Jimmy Moore Exposed As Fraud By Heath Squier. (Heath Squealer – er, Squier — is one of the adolescents who run Julian Bakery.) Let’s check some quotes – and no, I’m not going to link to this garbage.

This picture specifically outlines Jimmy in 2009, when he stopped eating our products, and now, it shows him in 2014, and this is a current picture at Paleo fx in 2014.

Uh, Mr. Squealer, how exactly does a picture “outline” Jimmy? Is one picture of Jimmy surrounding another picture of Jimmy?

Okay, never mind. Here’s what Mr. Squealer was referring to in his didn’t-excel-in-English style of communication:

Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. We see Jimmy in 2009, looking pretty good for a guy who once weighed more than 400 pounds and has battled obesity for his entire life. But then – and this is no doubt the crux of the problem – he stopped eating Julian Bakery products! He went on some crazy ketogenic diet and (as the article informs us) got fat. Man, if only he’d kept eating that Julian Bakery bread, he might still look as good as he did in 2009.

And we know that leaner-looking Jimmy picture is from 2009, because the Julian Bakery people said so, and they’re not the kind of people who would lie for the purpose of selling their products. That’s why they’re so gosh-darned sick and tired (as they inform us in their videos) of being accused of dishonesty. So I can only conclude that in addition to his other talents, Jimmy Moore is capable of time-travel. I can’t believe he never told me.

Take a good look at the t-shirt Jimmy is wearing in the (ahem) 2009 photo. Look familiar? Here, maybe this will help:

Yup, the lean, mean, fightin’-machine Jimmy is wearing one of our Wheat Is Murder t-shirts. We began producing those in June of 2011. Judging by the background, that’s a photo from one of the low-carb cruises. Can’t be the 2011 cruise, because the cruises are in May. So the earliest possible cruise where he could have worn a Wheat Is Murder shirt was 2012 – but we all know darned good and well that’s not a 2012 photo, don’t we? Jimmy weighed more than 300 pounds during the 2012 cruise. He was getting advice or insults from every direction.

The advice that finally made a difference came from Dr. Jeff Volek, who explained to Jimmy how to adjust his diet to stay in ketosis — you know, the diet the adolescents running Julian Bakery want you to believe ruined that great physique Jimmy had back in 2009, when he was still eating Julian Bakery bread and hopping into his time machine to buy a t-shirt I first produced in 2011.

Since that “2009” picture couldn’t possibly be from the 2012 cruise, it was likely taken during the 2013 cruise – i.e., after Jimmy had been on a ketogenic diet for a year and lost 80 pounds, despite not eating Julian Bakery bread.

But what the heck, let’s take the mystery out of it. Here’s a picture I know for certain was taken during the 2013 cruise, because I took it.

Darned if that physique doesn’t look just like the one Jimmy supposedly had back in 2009, when he was still eating Julian Bakery bread and buying t-shirts produced in the future. The length of his hair looks identical too. So I’m going to step out on a limb and say both of those pictures are of Jimmy after a year on his ketogenic diet.

Like I said above, I don’t know what exactly Diane Sanfilippo did to produce a temper-tantrum among the adolescent executive corps at Julian Bakery, but whatever it was, they responded by posting this picture from Paleo FX 2014 as proof she’s gotten fat – no doubt the result of failing to include Julian Bread in her diet.

I know a little bit about photography, so when I saw this picture, my guess was that the “fatter” Diane was result of bad lighting, not a “chunky” body.

Chunky? Yup, the adolescents named the picture Diane Sanfilippo Chunky when they uploaded it. Then one of them wrote this:

Of all the people I have searched for current photos belonging to the Paleo or health community, Diane was the most difficult to find any recent photos of. When I did find them, they were never full body and always a strange angle. It appears someone is working overtime to make sure that people don’t see, just like Jimmy and many other of her buddies, she has reverted back to her previous weight.

Hmmm … I found a different picture of Diane from the same event – with an angle I certainly wouldn’t call strange — and it only took me a few seconds. Perhaps Mr. Squealer and his fellow executives are mystified by Google. Or perhaps we should interpret that claim as: Of all the people I searched desperately hoping to find a picture that made her look fat, Diane was the most difficult.

Anyway, here’s what I found:

Geez, what a fatty, huh? I’m surprised she didn’t cite unspecified “security concerns” and back out of the event so no one could take her picture.

She looks exactly like she did when I met her on the 2013 cruise – which is to say, she’s built like an athlete, with too much muscle to ever be a skinny-Minnie, and she’s got great curves. (I say that with Chareva’s blessing. Unlike certain bakery executives, Chareva doesn’t have a fragile ego.) Perhaps Diane ate some Julian Bakery bread after that first picture and quickly lost weight as a result, then posed for the second picture.

In addition to warning readers about how Jimmy and Diane got fat after refusing to eat Julian Bakery bread, Mr. Squealer posted pictures of his own weight loss – which, I presume, was mostly induced by eating Julian Bakery bread. Take a look, and be sure to read the weight figures:

So that’s what a 33-pound weight loss looks like, eh? Boy, that’s got to be discouraging news for any guy with a big ol’ beer belly. He’d look at Mr. Squealer’s before-and-after pictures and think, “Geez, this guy loses 33 pounds and barely shrinks. That means I need to lose at least 300 pounds – which sucks, because I only weigh 285.”

I went to high school with a guy who was thickly muscled and as cut as I’ve ever seen outside the body-building world. And yet during a game of pickup basketball, I noticed that when he was winded, his belly relaxed and protruded a bit as he sucked in air. His abs appeared to go soft for a moment. Then he’d breathe out, the belly would shrink, and the abs looked chiseled again. It never occurred to me to stick a scale under him to see if his weight was fluctuating by 33 pounds as he breathed, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the case.

I once managed to semi-starve myself into a 35-pound weight loss. I was still a road comedian at the time, and when I walked into clubs where people on the staff hadn’t seen me in a year or so, the comments ranged from “Wow, you look like a totally different person!” to “Uh, pardon me for asking, but are you okay? You’re not sick or anything, are you?” I went from wearing either size 38 or 40 pants, depending on the style, to size 34 pants.

I don’t have any other pictures of what a 33-pound weight loss looks like, but here’s what a 50-pound weight loss looked like on Tom Hanks:

And here’s what a 60-pound weight loss looked like on Christian Bale when he starved himself for his role in The Machinist.

Bale lost 60 pounds and went from looking beefy to looking positively cadaverous. Mr. Squealer claims he lost a bit more than half that much weight, but the main difference I see in his before-and-after pictures (besides the degree to which he’s contracting his abs) is the lighting. I can only come up with three explanations:

When you lose body fat, the first 33 pounds don’t make much of a difference in your physique. Mr. Squealer’s body produces a unique form of adipose tissue that is denser than lead. (I believe eating Julian Bakery bread cures the condition, however.) Mr. Squealer is lying about his weight loss.

But it couldn’t be number three, because that would be dishonest — and it’s not as if the company has been busted for false claims or anything. And it’s not as if the Julian Bread executives would stoop to grabbing a picture of Jimmy Moore from 2013 and claiming that’s what he looked like when he was eating their bread in 2009.

A couple more quotes from the blog before we go:

Talk about the absolute bipolar opposite of what we preach in the primal and paleo world, at least what I teach.

Um … what exactly does the “bipolar opposite” mean? Is that an opposite that sometimes isn’t an opposite and sometimes is, depending on whether it’s feeling manic or depressed?

Again, look at the photos. I won’t say anything. Just go look at the proof, and go look at these people on the Internet and their photos. They’re overweight and their weight fluctuates big time. Not to mention a lot of their employees. If you and your book is so great, why are almost all the people who work for you overweight?

If you and your bread is so great, why isn’t you able to grasp the relatively simple concept of subject-verb agreement? But more importantly, why doesn’t you act like grown-ups when your company’s product is criticized? Is it because you is immature?

And here’s a quote from one of the YouTube videos:

Paleo FX and Ancestral Health Conference are a joke.

So the Julian Bakery people have these bread products they hope to sell to the low-carb and paleo communities, and these are the strategies they employ and the statements they make in public. Brilliant. I’m sure these posts and videos are doing wonders for their corporate image.

It’s always so much fun watching children pretend to be grown-ups.