BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered” on the church. “Everyone knows that the singing here is nothing to write home about and certainly doesn’t deserve this crystal-clear sound,” said usher David Humphries, 46, gesturing to an array of multiple speakers, high-end microphones, and subwoofers of a quality more commonly found in a dance club than a house of worship. “The new setup allows you to catch every word of the sermon, which, okay, good, sure, but you have to wonder if having a fully functioning lighting system is completely necessary. Also, I don’t want to covet my neighbor’s equipment, but...holy shit, this is a brand new Nord Electro 6. Those babies cost a nice chunk of change!” Disappointed congregants added that Blessed Hope hasn’t even attempted to add a nice flair to their otherwise dreary bake sale announcements by taking advantage of air horn effects built into the cutting-edge soundboard.

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