Style wasn’t always important to me. When I was young I didn’t know how to dress myself. That was partially because I was fat and there were not a lot of choices; partially because I didn’t think I deserved to wear nice things.

It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I began to explore the wonderful world of fat fashion blogs and swap websites where you could buy used plus-size clothes. I started posting pictures of myself in different outfits and got to think about how I was dressing my body.

It was really exciting for me, realising that I could, through thinking about how my body would look and how I would present myself to the world, think about my identity. I started to see how I could participate in the world of fashion, that there were ways to make the vision I had for myself materialise.

It also helped me to be strategic. When you are a fat person trying to dress yourself, there are a lot of hacks. A phenomenon in plus-size clothing is you get good at looking at measurements on a website and looking at how things hang on the model, and knowing in your gut if a top is going to fit. It’s a really good skill to have, but at the same time I wish I could just walk into Anthropologie and try on a dress.

‘I love bold jewellery’ … Carmen Maria Machado. Photograph: Courtesy of Carmen Maria Machado

In the past I wanted to look cute and a little quirky. I’ve always liked shoes and jewellery – I think that’s true of a lot of fat people, because those are the things you can walk into a store and buy, no matter what your size is. And I would buy statement pieces from thrift stores, like a pair of weird skull earrings I got for a dollar, or old costume jewellery from estate sales.

My vision for myself has changed a lot over time. When I went to graduate school in the midwest, it was really nice because people tend to be larger there than on the coasts and so thrift stores would have a lot more in my size. Then once my career started going well and I was able to buy what I wanted, I went through a high-glam phase of sequins, glitter and big jewellery. I still love it but I’m going through a more modernist phase – clean lines and single colours, though I still love bold jewellery.

Carmen Maria Machado attends the 68th National Book Awards in New York City, 2017. Photograph: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Personal style is about looking good to feel good. But I think there’s also something important to say. Fat people are always being asked to minimise their bodies, to make themselves more hidden, and I’m not interested in that. I like how increasingly fashion is available that’s saying fuck the rules. [Size inclusive brand] Universal Standard has been a gamechanger – they carry everything in their shop in sizes 0-40 – and I love the brand Jibri, which does a lot of bold kaftans and big trumpet jumpsuits, which is exciting because people used to say that if you’re fat you shouldn’t wear big patterns because it only draws attention to your body. This is the opposite of that, it’s like: fuck y’all. I want to present myself in a way that feels correct to who I am – I honour and respect my body; it’s about my own sense of aesthetic pride.

On the whole, though, the fashion industry still struggles with bodies outside of its parameters – not just fat bodies but women of colour, women with disabilities; there’s all kinds of folks that have been failed by the industry. You have to look at who’s running the industry. Often it’s white people, it’s men, occasionally white women. I feel suspicious of any industry that purports to speak to what all women need or should look like. On the other hand, the fashion industry is doing what the fashion industry does because most folks hate fat people; they’re not unique. For so long companies would say, “We don’t want to make plus-size clothes because we don’t want fat people in our stores” or, “We don’t want fatness to be a part of the visibility of our brand.” Like, even capitalism couldn’t make them take our money! Plenty of fat people have a lot of disposable income. If you make me fashionable, stylish clothes, I will buy them.

There is progress being made, but I don’t pretend most companies are doing it for some kind of moral reason: they see the writing on the wall and money is speaking. That’s not great but if people have access to the clothes they want, that’s good.

A lot of plus-size models struggle with people who tell them they are glamourising obesity. For me it’s nice to see a person in cute clothes that looks sort of like me – it’s a really simple, basic pleasure.

I have a joyful relationship with clothes now, because I have found a style that works for me. I have also watched people in my life be miserable, choosing to hate themselves and police their own bodies into non-existence. I really don’t want to spend my whole life dieting myself into oblivion, being miserable and having clothes in my closet that don’t fit me; punishing myself for who I am rather than just living.

In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado is published by Serpent’s Tail at £14.99.

As told to Ellie Violet Bramley