Two! Four! Six! Eight! Let's all De Re-Gu-Late!! First, let's consider speaker Boehner. In a temporary populist fit, he blasted the concept of "Too Big to Fail" banks. Yet at the same time, he reflexively invoked the Republican mantra of 'deregulate.'

But the answer to "Too Big To Fail" is...more regulation and control. Limit bank size, restore the line between commerical and investment banks, institute strict regulation on derivatives to stem the tide of dubious "financial products" based on deceitfully marketed "securities" - and all of this requires an effective government regulator that regularly inspects what banks are doing, keeps them from crossing the lines, and has power to impose genuine sanctions for wrongdoing. It is impossible to have it both ways - and it is deceitful and hypocritical for Boehner and the GOP, which has championed "deregulation" at every turn, to position itself as being in any way, shape, or form, interested in reining in financial corporations.

Going Galt: In fact, Boehner elsewhere went so far as to say that job creators were 'on strike' because of Washington regulations. Curious, isn't it, that these 'striking' job creators somehow manage to pull in record profits and are sitting on trillions in cash. Apparently, when the wealthy go on strike, it's not like your average Working Joe (or Jane). They make even more money! It's hard not to be suspicious that there is more going on then honest businesses' healthy fear of more regulation. But I won't say anything more. I might accidentally enegage in class warfare.

Who will tell the people? (Hopefully not YOU, Mr. President): And now consider majority whip Eric Cantor. He managed to put forth a truly original political idea: The President of the U.S. should NOT appeal directly to the American people to support his American Jobs Act. Because, well, that would be the wrong way to go about it.

Yes, mobilizing popular support for political policy is a Bad Thing in the GOP Congress. I do have the suspicion, though, that Cantor will somehow forget to criticize any Republican who does the same, which would be in accordance with a not-so-new political principle of the GOP: It's Okay If You're A Republican (IOKIYAR).

Eric Cantor, the gold standard of "chutzpah": Cantor has been roundly criticized for his heartless and tone-deaf insistence that - contrary to the bipartisan consensus that existed in past U.S. Congresses - emergency disaster aid must be immediately offset by spending cuts (probably he needs to look up 'emergency', 'disaster' and 'aid' as well). Yet in a stunning display of even more brazen hypocrisy, Cantor actually started wondering where his district's disaster aid money was.

Tell you what, Eric. We'll send that disaster aid right out to your district - as soon as we figure out how much we can cut from federal transportation money, education aid, housing block grants, student loans, and loan guarantee programs for businesses in your district. I'm sure you'd agree that's only fair, right?

Job negation: But let's not unfairly accuse the GOP of ignoring the pressing need for job creation. They have a two-part plan!

First, we stop the Interior Department from regulating pythons and certain other snakes as noxious species, which among other things means you can't transport them across state lines in airplanes. Why not? It would cost jobs in the apparently burgeoning snake-transport industry!

Second, we stop the NLRB from actually having the power to take action against employers that violate the law by moving jobs as retaliation against workers for exercising their rights. Because nothing protects jobs like making it easier for employers to take jobs away from employees that actually think they may have a right to band together and act in their mutual interest.

On the other hand, I guess we should welcome the newfound GOP concern over jobs, because that means they'll have less time for worn-out "Culture Wars" nonsense. Right?

Oh, wait...

One more time...in your eye: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was consigned to the trash heap of history - and it didn't even lead to mass resignation by clean-cut, straight, All-American soldiers petrified with fear at the thought of bending over to pick up the soap in the shower, where they would be helpless to resist the advances of hordes of gay soldiers, their freshly-scrubbed pectorals and six-pack abs glistening with trickling water, their pure musky scent bursting forth, their chiseled manly forms advancing upon the helpless straight commandos...Oh, sorry. Where was I? Right - the pathetic, last-ditch attempt by the GOP to block DADT repeal. Seriously. Because for some in the GOP Congress, there remained no priority more important than stigmatizing and expelling those gay riflemen and artillerymen and medical corpsmen and pilots and officers and intelligence specialists and trained Arabic linguists - because if we want a strong and manly military, we can't have those sort of people around. Pathetic.

Fossil fools: The GOP apparently decided they had a storyline for yet another (non)scandal: the bankruptcy of ONE company that manufactured solar panels - and then went under after it had received loan guarantees from the Federal government in order to attract investment capital. Liberal favoritism towards alternative energy! The government picking winners and losers! Crony capitalism! The outrage! The outrage! The...disingenous, hypocritical, contrived outrage.

There was so much wrong with the GOP outrage, it's hard to know where to start. Of course, the fact that some company failures are expected - and budgeted for - in any loan guarantee program was lost. As was the fact that not even a company failure is a total loss, because the government has a claim on any proceeds from company assets

But the most stunning aspect was the new heights of hypocrisy that GOP representatives reached in their eagerness to denounce renewable energy programs such as the loan gurantees. As it turns out, every one of the leaders in this three-ring circus had previously sought out loan guarantees or other government support for renewable energy in their own districts...and bragged about how it would create jobs.

For example, see this article about Reps. Upton and Stearns. Or this one, and this one, about Rep. Darryl Issa, the ringleader in the attempt to sabotage government backing for solar and other 'clean' energy - and who actively sought out 'Green Job" loans for his own district. Or this one.

But perhaps we shouldn't judge too harshly. As it turns out, arch-hypocrite Rep. Issa had an explanation as to why it's okay if you're a Republican (IOKIYAR). Representatives ALWAYS try to get money for their districts, see, and so they weren't doing anything in trying to get money from a program that they suddenty found offensive on ideological, economic, and ethical grounds.

The crowning insult: the GOP crusade against cleaner sources of energy DID manage to destroy jobs - for military veterans - by undercutting support for investment in solar energy. Support the troops, anyone?

Here's smoke in your eye (to go with that finger): And just for good measure, the GOP also set out to give us more dirty, polluted air.

So there you have it, folks. The GOP wants deregulated banks, outsourced jobs, dirty energy, dirty air, and - apparently for old times' sake - one more finger in the eye of sexual minorities.

Thanks, guys...for reminding us once again who got us into the current mess.