The following quote really got me thinking recently. It’s from Joseph Gordon-Levitt concerning his character from 500 Days of Summer:

“The (500) Days of Summer attitude of ‘He wants you so bad’ seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones,” the actor said. “But I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is.”

Not only that, but he elaborates on this saying, “He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies,” Gordon-Levitt explained. “He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.”

So today I want to talk a little about projection. Now when you read the above quote, it seems pretty obvious and you think “I never do that”. But as a huge culprit of the above, I can tell you that it happens easier than you might think.

So if you’re single (and typically the longer you have been single the more this applies), see if this applies to you. If you’re currently dating someone than you definitely know someone to whom this applies. So you (or your friend) have been actively seeking out a girlfriend. You constantly scan most social situations for women who are also single, and always keep an eye out for an opportunity to talk to that one really attractive girl. You spend time wondering what would be the right thing to say, and dreaming about how you would treat her like a princess. If it’s a really stereotypical situation, she’s probably dating complete jerks. Such is life.

You start down this spiral. You think about what it would be like to be with her, you think about how cute she is, and how awesome your relationship would be. I know this because this is pretty much how I would assess most situations. Then again maybe I’m just weird.

But regardless you get completely taken in by this girl. You really can’t stop thinking about her and how great she is.

Here’s the thing that JGL is talking about: You may not know anything about her. Everything that you think the relationship between you two would be is simply your own projections on to her. You might not have ANY idea who this girl really is.

A great test for this? Have you ever found yourself feeling disappointed when you find out that the girl you have this crush on is even slightly promiscuous? Personal Example: I had a crush on a girl my freshman year of college. She was really smart, funny, and really gorgeous. After some attempts I fell short, but you never lose that crush entirely. A few years later she was pregnant, and I was really taken back. I didn’t think she was that type of girl, and never imagined that she would end up pregnant.

But the real key? I knew nothing about her. She may have been sleeping with 20 guys per weekend or perhaps she never even had her first kiss yet. I really had no idea. Everything I thought about her was simply my fantasy projection onto her, and I had convinced myself that she was some type of dream girl with no real backing.

This is a problem that I struggled with for a long time. I’m not an expert on the subject, it’s just my own view.

Part two of this may get a little “ranty”, so buckle up.

The second part I wanted to discuss was perceptions. Everyone, especially when trying to find a relationship with the opposite sex, wants to be viewed positively. Most of us can list a few things that we really like about ourselves. For example, I think I have a pretty good sense of humor. I don’t think that I’m particularly attractive, but I wouldn’t call myself ugly either.

Quick side note: Last weekend while out at the bars, a friend of mine and I were drinking at a fun little underground bar downtown. A very drunk girl came up to my friend and complimented him a few times about how “cute” she thought he was. The three of us were chatting a bit, and she complimented him again, so I decided to chime in. I said something along the lines of, “Well clearly I can tell which one of us you’re interested in.” She turned to me and said, “Well he’s really cute! I mean you aren’t…(pause)… bad looking…” Real confidence booster there J

Anyway, back to the main point. A lot of people have things they think they can offer. For the stereotypical “nice” guy, it’s all about his great personality and how he’s not a jerk like a lot of other guys.

So what does this guy do? He goes to a bar, approaches the one of the hottest girls there, gets shut down, and then complains that she didn’t even get to know him, and in some cases just judged him on his appearance.

Here’s the thing fellas, you just did the same thing. You went to a bar, which is definitely not a place to pick up the type of girl you are looking for. Now this is speaking VERY generally. I don’t mean to say that all girls that go to bars are slutty or anything, it’s just typically the girls who go home with guys from the bar don’t seem to be too interested in deep philosophical conversations. The ones who aren’t into this type of relationship, typically don’t bring guys home afterwards. Not that there’s anything wrong with either, but just trying to paint a picture of the environment of this establishment to make a point.

So you’re going to an area where people judging others on appearance is the norm. That’s why you try to dress up and look good when you go there. Second of all, you didn’t approach her for her personality. You approached her and tried to hit on her because she looks attractive. So she judges you by the same token, and you get upset. You think why won’t she get to know me and realize that I’m not a jerk like all the other guys here? Well, it’s probably because you’re judging her the same way, just in your mind you are spinning it to make yourself look better. If you want a girl to judge you by more than just your looks, then trying giving her that same respect.

That’s my rant for now. Just realize your perceptions of others as well as your projections. Both of these would not only help the dating world go more smoothly, but would also just help people get along and communicate more efficiently.

Source for quotes: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/17/joseph-gordon-levitt-500-days-of-summer-selfish_n_1795676.html