KAMPALA, REPUBLIC OF UGANDA—Calling themselves the Miami Heat’s biggest fans and saying that the team embodies everything they love, billionaires Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump, former Ugandan president and mass murderer Idi Amin, and Joseph Stalin celebrated the Heat’s Game 7 victory over the Spurs Thursday. “Let’s go Heat!” shouted Stalin, who perpetrated the Ukrainian Genocide while serving as the leader of the Soviet Union, cheering the Miami victory with fellow diehard Heat fans Slobodan Milosevic, Kenneth Lay, Joseph Goebbels, Barry Bonds, Pol Pot, Robert McNamara, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Vlad the Impaler—all of whom were wearing LeBron James jerseys. “They went out there and did what they had to do to win. We love this team!” At press time, Satan had burst through the door, screamed “We did it!” and proceeded to spray champagne on everyone.

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