The ex-Muslim label is gaining prominence in the religious zeitgeist of the 21st century. There are however, many more ex-Muslims than just those who have consciously or publicly adopted the label.

Are you a questioning Muslim who hasn’t left Islam? If so, which of these reasons resonate with you?

For every person who identifies with the ex-Muslim label, I have met 100-plus born Muslims who have mentally and informally, checked out of Islam.

These are people who would never be Muslim had they not been born into the faith. People who retain the nominal label of ‘Muslim’ for a variety of practical reasons; not theological ones.

In this article, I’ll enumerate some of the reasons why many born Muslims haven’t formally left Islam yet. My focus is on Muslims in the West, although I do touch upon challenges unique to those living in Muslim majority countries.

I’ve compiled this list from my personal interactions with born-Muslims and from suggestions posted by other ex-Muslims. There are recurring themes in these stories—stories of those still living a lie—and stories of those who have successfully made it out.

And yet it should go without saying: This list is by no means exhaustive. I am certain that I have missed a dozen other reasons that also belong on this list.

To be sure, this article is not a treatise on “why Islam is false” or even why people leave Islam. Rather, it deals with the reasons why those who don’t take Islam’s truth claims and prescriptions seriously—or those who reject it entirely—don’t often make that fact known.

The summary box below captures all 25 reasons that I have compiled. It is the TL;DR version, if you will. Read on after the summary box to explore each of these reasons in depth.

Defining Terms

For ease of reference, I’ll refer to the Muslims who don’t actually believe in Islam as a religious prescription for humanity, Cultural Muslims. They may be closeted ex-Muslims. They may be questioning Muslims who don’t yet know that leaving Islam is a thing. They may be formerly devout Muslims. They may be socially liberal Muslims. They may even be converts to Islam who are now seriously questioning the faith.

To the outside observer (especially other Muslims) these people appear to be nominal Muslims with only a casual attachment to the faith. Unbeknownst to the religious among them, many of these seemingly indifferent Muslims are actually faking belief so as to minimize the social repercussions that come with an overt and public rejection of Islam.

I use the term Cultural Muslim primarily to describe how other Muslims view this apparent lack of enthusiasm for the faith. It is not to say that in all cases, such people have discarded the religious precepts of Islam casually. In fact, many who appear on the surface to be nominal or indifferent Muslims are actually well-studied on Islam. They are often the formerly devout. Many are closeted ex-Muslims.

Most ex-Muslims go through a phase of being seen as the nominal Muslim during their questioning phase. During this period, religious Muslims may look upon the now cultural Muslim as slipping; as weak, and as deficient. In many cases, being seen as a cultural Muslim is the transitional step to ultimately owning the ex-Muslim label.

The Stages of Coming Out

Leaving Islam often proceeds in stages. Some people manage to skip a couple of rungs in a single bound and some never transition through the full sequence. Everyone’s journey is of course, unique. The following illustration captures what a typical progression might look like.

Multiple Reasons at Play

The reasons cited in this article are not mutually exclusive.

Some of the reasons described apply to those who haven’t bothered to formally study or reject Islam. They were never religious to begin with. They simply continue to go through the motions. Some born-Muslims pretend to be believing Muslims for social or safety reasons. These non-religious Muslims-by-appearance-or-assumption are still counted by over-zealous Muslims to support their proselytization narrative. “One-point-six billion Muslims!” anyone?

It is true that the Muslim population is outgrowing every other group. This is due to high birthrates and not because of net conversions into the faith, as many overzealous Muslims would like the rest of us to believe. If you would like to explore the growth-rate topic further, I suggest this 10-minute video or this WikiIslam page.

In no particular order, I give you the list of reasons why many cultural Muslims haven’t publicly left Islam yet.

The Reasons

Reason 1: Keeping up appearances .

Cultural Muslims want to keep up appearances with friends and family. Everyone gets along socially. Why rock the boat by announcing that you don’t actually believe that Islam is true—or just—or right?

Making such statements can impact your social standing and reputation in the community.

The desire to keep up appearances can be extended to one’s family. You are concerned for their reputation in the Muslim community. This is an even stronger reason to stay in the closet for many ex-Muslims. You can deal with the backlash. You just don’t want your parents to suffer through the social stigma.

Why should they sustain a backlash from the community for your choices? Cultural Muslims can be caught between a legitimate desire to live authentically and their deeply held compassion for family.

Many a Muslim community—like any other faith based community—can be prone to gossip and judgment upon hearing the news that someone from the community has formally renounced the faith.

Reason 2: Preset rituals .

It can feel like a lot of work to figure out what to do about rituals when you leave religion and decide to “go it alone”. Marriages, funerals, births, coming of age ceremonies. We have an innate human desire to mark life events of significance with ceremonies and tradition.

It’s the seeming path of least resistance. Focus on the rest of your life and let the rituals you inherited continue to run on autopilot. Just show up at the mosque when someone you know passes away, for example. It’s already figured out for you.

Why not focus on your education, your career, finding a spouse, having kids and enjoying family vacations? Who wants to think about all of the minutia associated with life-event rituals? Who would attend your wedding or your funeral if you declared openly that you are no longer a believing Muslim?

The fact of the matter is that we human beings can re-invent new rituals that serve us. We can build communities that resemble what was best about religion: organized community.

We can do all of this without incurring the negative baggage that comes with dubious truth claims, questionable morality and childhood indoctrination. Many fellow non-theists may cringe at my suggestion; that people can be served by learning from what religion got right—and creating organized community. But this is a discussion for another day.

You Can Help Build New Communities Many of us are building ex-Muslim communities all over the world—such as EXMNA for North America and CEMB for the UK. Find the organization closest to you from this list. There are also broader organizations in the Humanist movement that have already created ceremonies to mark major life events. It is already happening. Why not be a part of building the world that you wish to live in?

Reason 3: Religion isn’t interesting .

Studying theology—Islamic or otherwise—takes time and effort. Religious exploration doesn’t interest some cultural Muslims. They’ll play along since it’s the path of least resistance.

Muslims can become complacent to the Islamic practices and beliefs that have been incorporated into their own lives from a young age. This is true of religion generally. Born Muslims often retain Islam for practical reasons, and it’s often a matter of inertia.

Of course, this reason does not necessarily apply to those closeted ex-Muslims who have taken it upon themselves to study Islam in depth, and who have rejected it on that basis.

Reason 4: The backlash would be draining .

Cultural Muslims don’t have the emotional energy nor the inclination to deal with the backlash from family if they were to formally say “thanks but no thanks” to Islam. There would be countless meetings with uncles and sheikhs imposed upon them.

For the cultural Muslim who lives with their parents, there would be a much closer scrutiny of their every move.

For those who find religion not an especially riveting topic, they would still be pressured to engage with religious rhetoric in order to defend their reasons for leaving. The primary objective of such interventions of course, would be for the parents to have their children return to Islam.

Some conservative Muslim families (among both Shia and Sunni) believe that the punishment for apostasy in Islam is death. In that case, being beaten or murdered by your own family is the ultimate backlash.

In some Sunni Muslim communities, the apostate may be considered possessed by jinns (evil spirits in this context) for making the obviously silly pronouncement that they do not wish to be Muslim anymore. The solution to such possession is an Islamic exorcism ceremony. Islamic exorcisms are still being practiced today; even in western countries.

Now who wants to go through all of that?

Reason 5: Limited financial means .

Many closeted ex-Muslims are young. Their indoctrination never fully took hold—or if it did—it has since been cast off. These ex-Muslims now want to live an authentic life, but are not yet financially independent from their parents.

For some in the West, saying that you no longer believe in Islam will leave you with an ultimatum:

Start believing in Islam again,

or

Move out (i.e. you are no longer welcome to live in the family home)

In many Muslim families, love is conditional on maintaining your religious allegiance to Islam. In these families, loving a family member who has rejected Islam’s truth claims is simply not an option.

Many ex-Muslims who are today undergraduates, keep their apostasy secret. They are waiting to start their own careers and to become financially self-sufficient. Earning money will enable them to move out of their parental home and to finally live with authenticity.

Reason 6: The assumed burden of an alternate code .

Cultural Muslims often feel the false burden of having to propose to their families and religious community leaders an entirely codified alternate and superior belief system, before they can leave Islam.

Since they aren’t jumping into another religion, how would they even begin to respond to challenges from family members about where they will get their morality from, what they will teach their future children, or how they will find community?

Many secretly non-religious people feel this burden to propose an alternative ideology to religion, not realizing that they have the legitimate option to say:

I don’t have all the answers. But I don’t need to figure out all of humanity’s challenges in order to come to the conclusion that this particular codification of beliefs and truth claims is false.

Suggested response to the assumed burden of an alternate code

Reason 7: Social camaraderie .

Cultural Muslims want to continue to play ball hockey in the mosque league. Growing up in a tight knit community, why would you risk losing access to fun events with your longtime social circle?

Many Muslims who show up at these informal sporting events are themselves not religious. Everyone grew up affiliated with the same mosque and so childhood friendships blossomed. A wonderful camaraderie developed.

Formally leaving Islam means that these cultural Muslims would no longer be just as welcome to play that game of pick-up. There are always some deeply religious types present in these mosque-related circles.

Cultural Muslims might even be the recipients of a friendly lecture after the game. With good intentions, friends in their mosque social circle may suggest that the ex-Muslim talk to sheikh such-and-such about their doubts and that in the meantime, they stop talking publicly about leaving Islam.

Reason 8: Retaining friendships pressured to cut ties .

Cultural Muslims want to retain friendships nurtured from childhood. If they come out as ex-Muslim, will their friends from the mosque suddenly act strange? Will the families of their friends want to cut ties?

Will the cultural Muslim still get invited out for dinner, hanging out at the mall, the movies or board game night?

Many born-Muslims themselves confuse the label Muslim as being an inseparable part of their identity. Even the non-religious can mistakenly see the ex-Muslim moniker as somehow being a rejection of shared values, culture and friendships when they should instead see it as a simple rejection of the truth claims made by Islam. This misunderstanding can unnecessarily strain longtime friendships.

Why jeopardize that feeling of closeness enjoyed all of these years? Will friends of these cultural Muslims feel a pressure from their own families to distance themselves? Will their families expect them to cut ties with the once Muslim, now ex-Muslim?

In almost any believing Muslim family, ex-Muslims will be seen as a bad influence.

Closeted ex-Muslims don’t want to be stigmatized by the families of their friends. Even though their friends might themselves be understanding. These situations put friends in an awkward position; pitting them against their own families.

Sadly, it’s common to see such friendships fade over time once someone has left Islam.

Reason 9: Family honour and diminished options .

Cultural Muslims don’t want to bring shame to the family, as that would make it harder for a sibling to get married. Emotional blackmail is a bitch.

How many times do you think this spiel has been levied from a concerned Muslim parent to their ex-Muslim child?

If you tell people you are no longer Muslim, it will look very bad on our family. Why do you have to be so selfish? Your younger sister is already a bit plump. Do you want to make it harder for her to find a suitable boy from a good family to marry? Why are you being so selfish!?

Hypothetical lecture and plea from a Muslim parent

In 2017, the Ex-Muslims of North America held an event at Virginia Tech, as part of their Normalizing Dissent Tour. During the Q&A, Sarah Haider described precisely this phenomenon. Sarah describes it well. Even as an adult, what person wants to be that child who caused Mom embarrassment in front of her life long and only real friends?

2 min clip: Sarah Haider elaborates on family honor, diminished options, and the social blow back incurred from being authentic about one's ex-Muslim identity and life choices.



This is an excerpt from the EXMNA Normalizing Dissent Tour. Full video here: https://t.co/L8q14UPd8N pic.twitter.com/6PCj1Yn94Y — Reason on Faith (@ReasonOnFaith) November 23, 2017

We are often silent, suppressing our own authenticity, to protect our parents. And from whom? Sadly, from their own Muslim relatives and communities.

Reason 10: Getting away with it .

Some cultural Muslims are already successful at having that secret boyfriend or girlfriend. They already manage to live a double life.

They don’t feel the hardship of adhering to strict Islamic rules, as they’ve honed their skills to generate alibis—generally involving countless evenings “at the library”.

Why upset family and risk having your freedom curtailed when you’re already getting away with living life, for the most part, on your terms?

Similarly, many young Muslims view Islam as more forgiving than it actually is. They feel comfortable breaking Islamic rules and still calling themselves Muslim because Allah is “The Most Merciful”. This path sometimes leads them years later, right into Reason 11—indoctrinated guilt.

Reason 11: Indoctrinated guilt .

Cultural Muslims can be consumed by guilt for once having had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Blind adherence to religion later in life can be an unconscious form of repentance for indoctrinated guilt.

Such guilt cycles are created in the first place, by an extremely religious upbringing.

Here’s how this one often plays out.

The Guilt Cycle A young Muslim man meets a young Muslim woman at university. They become seriously and secretly involved despite a belief that their relationship in its various dimensions may not be kosher. But they are so in love, and God is kind—or so they tell themselves. They haven’t really studied Islam or evaluated whether falling in love is something to truly be worried about. They just know that their parents (and the Muslim community at large) would not approve of it. Over time, the indoctrinated guilt catches up to them. It’s not necessarily religious guilt. Sometimes, it’s about having deceived their parents. The couple eventually part ways. It may have been from the guilt of dating before marriage. It may have been that they did pursue marriage, but one or both families vetoed it. Or, it may just be that they drifted apart. The couple rationalizes the failure. They chalk it up to not having been good Muslims. Without ever looking deeply into Islam, they grow closer to their religious community and begin to embody the wishes of their parents. They ultimately marry spouses whom their parents approve of. They assuage the guilt regarding their earlier years with a promise to themselves. Going forward, they will more closely adhere to the wishes of their parents and to the rigid prescriptions of their inherited faith—Islam.

Without having critically studied Islam, many Muslims can transfer that guilt-induced sense of obedience towards their parents over to a blind reverence for and deep submission to all things Islam.

In a few extreme cases, this guilt-induced repentance takes a different path. The previously non-religious “get religion” and turn to terrorism. Martyrdom is seen as the ultimate repentance.

Reason 12: Marriage introductions .

Some Muslim youth—especially the devout ones or those without the requisite social skills for dating—prefer to be introduced to prospective marriage partners than to own the task of meeting someone organically.

There exist men—both among the religious and the non-religious, who don’t wish to bother with the dating process.

Muslim men who are perceived to be successful suitors by their elders can gain access to marriageable Muslim women of a higher calibre. Introductions that these men may not have otherwise had the requisite marriage market value to charm and win over independently on the “open market”.

Through family and community ties, such men can have an “in” to meet these otherwise inaccessible and often sheltered women. Some of these Muslim women don’t have the requisite experience interacting with men to be discerning about potential suitors. They may not have a clear picture of what their options might have been outside of an arranged marriage context.

Incentives for Women

But what about women? Can arranged introductions through one’s religious community ever appeal to them? Absolutely—and for multiple reasons. We’ll explore one such motivation here.

While few Muslims actually follow this prescription, the Prophet of Islam is reported to have advised Muslims to seek marriage with those who are the most pious. Muslims are advised to deemphasize physical beauty, status and wealth in favor of religious piety.

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers [sic]. hadith: Sahih Bukhari 5090 Book 67, Hadith 28

As a young woman with body issues, you may quickly realize that few men look upon you the way they look upon other women. Are you going to miss out on marriage as result? What will become of your dream to experience romantic love? Are you going to miss out on having a family of your own? What means are available to you as a woman to level the playing field or to better yet—marry up?

Even if you don’t believe in the theology of Islam, telegraphing piety and purity by sincerely going through the motions can feel like your best option. A woman is far more in control of her own demeanor than she is of her physical appearance. It’s an entirely rational line of thought. Should you bank on this as a woman?

Of course, this strategy does require that there exist men in the community who value piety to such a degree, that they will pass up the more physically attractive woman with sufficient piety in favor of the unattractive woman with superior piety.

Many young Muslim men have themselves lived pure and pious lives, having held out until marriage. It is not uncommon for such men to feel that marrying beauty is their just reward for having themselves abstained (a feat that not all Muslim men with options can truthfully claim).

Whether the women who bank on this strategy find a mate or whether they spend their child bearing years waiting for love, we cannot deny that Islam’s injunction to men is a lofty one. Men are being asked to rise above their natural instincts and to marry for more than just beauty.

There is much to critique about religion, including Islam. However, a fair assessment demands that we also acknowledge where religion shines. It may not be effective in reality, but asking men to seek women for more than their physical beauty is admirable.

The hope that some men will seek piety above beauty can be a powerful reason why women who take issue with the misogyny in the Qur’an and hadith, might actually choose to stay.

Reason 13: Extended community and marital harmony .

Cultural Muslims would often like to marry someone whom their religious parents and extended family will accept. If you’ve ever belonged to a religious community, you know that there’s a beautiful feeling of belonging.

That feeling of everyone in the community knowing everyone else. It’s probably one of the best parts about religious communities—be they Muslim or of any other faith group.

Many people who care little for Islamic theology do not wish to lose that sense of extended family; that sense of multigenerational community that they often find in thriving abundance at the mosque.

Marrying someone whom your parents will approve of can provide you with that sublime feeling of acceptance and cohesion. It’s kind of cool being able to get along with your spouse’s maternal grandma too.

If you make an issue about disagreeing with Islam, you lose out on being able to participate in your community at this level. You will effectively be barred from marrying someone in your religious community—unless you happen to have met and been covertly dating them prior.

Reason 14: Something to teach the kids .

Cultural Muslims want something to teach their kids and instead of really thinking about theology, morality, ethics and parenting, it’s easier to default to the turnkey theology that they grew up with.

“If I turned out okay, then it can’t be that bad to just pass along Islam to my kids, right?”

Muslims recognize the value of structured instruction in topics of morality and ethics. Without some alternate belief-based organization to join, the cultural Muslim can feel overwhelmed about how to effectively raise children.

There’s a certain burden associated with rebuilding a brand-new curriculum of moral education for your children. Sometimes, it’s easier to just punt and assume that you can fine-tune whatever it is that your children will learn at the mosque.

Reason 15: The Ecosystem Halo Effect .

Some modern Muslim communities in the West deemphasize problematic aspects of Islam. The controversial minutia intrinsic to religion is merely a backdrop to the repackaged theology that actually buttresses the community.

Mental gymnastics. Creative exegesis. You know the drill. Some Muslim communities dispute any historical evidence suggesting that Prophet Muhammad engaged in decisions that we would deem questionable today.

Such Muslim communities will reject the earliest biographies of Muhammad as well as any hadith that paint him in a negative light. Critics of Islam will see such maneuvers as historical revisionism. For the many Muslims born into such communities; they know no other reality than the narrative taught to them during their own religious grooming.

The more successful of these religious movements focus on real community building. The membership is not encouraged to objectively evaluate the underpinnings of their faith unless through the lens of a modernized retelling.

Muslims in such communities emphasize family, community, ritual, prayer, basic ethics and a shared sense of identity. Such religious communities provide a readymade framework for living. The cultural and communal benefits of being a member outweigh any inclination to flirt with critical thought regarding Islam’s truth-claims.

Prioritizing Social Benefit over Theological Truth Consider a hypothetical middle aged Muslim mother of young teenage children. We’ll call her Sameena. Sameena was herself born and raised in the West. Ask Sameena about Prophet Muhammad’s marriage to a six-year-old. Sameena may candidly admit that this historical incident is disturbing. She may admit to you that she chooses not to think about this event and that perhaps, “that was a different time, and so we cannot truly judge.” What’s more relevant to Sameena today is that her daughter has Sunday school class tomorrow. Her daughter will get to interact with other children. Her daughter will learn about the importance of telling the truth, of being kind to others and to give to those less fortunate. Sameena’s son has friends from the mosque coming by tonight. They are a few years older than him and they are like big brothers who look out for him. They will be taking Sameena’s son to the local NBA game at the civic auditorium. Sameena wouldn’t dare entertain the thought that Islam might not actually be true. If she ever was curious, she’d be inviting many problems into her life. For one, how would this go over with her own mother-in-law who is deeply religious and plugged-in to the community? How awkward would it be at dinner parties if other families got wind of her questioning Islam? What would she tell her own children while she herself was questioning? Would her children rebel because one or both parents no longer project the confidence of having all the answers?

Religious communities can nurture a social ecosystem in which the benefits of community are mentally reassigned to the sponsoring religious ideology. This transference can occur without any critical evaluation of the underlying truth claims of the associated religion.

The ecosystem that is community creates a halo-effect over the associated religion. The religious ideology is given credit for the lived values of its adherents—the positive values that is.

Interestingly, the adherents of almost all religions exhibit a far superior morality than that expressed in their own religious scriptures.

A lovely community experience creates this halo effect. The religious ideology gets a free pass from real scrutiny. The religion gets normalized in the process. This phenomenon is of course, not unique to Islam.

Reason 16: Don’t corrupt the children .

Some ex-Muslims are pressured by their parents, older siblings, and even their cousins to hide their apostasy from younger family members. Muslim elders will suggest that a candid disclosure of apostasy will “ruin” younger family members.

These elder family members may claim to respect the ex-Muslim’s personal choice to leave Islam. At the same time, they will plead with the ex-Muslim family member. They will suggest that to announce one’s religious apostasy so openly would corrupt younger family members—younger siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews. Therefore, it is incumbent on the ex-Muslim to suck it up and withhold any expression of their true opinions regarding Islam.

Promoting the ex-Muslim narrative would be seen as subversive. But Muslims doing dawah at the local university? Well that is simply Muslims practicing their right to freely express religious opinion. Indeed, the irony here is lost on Muslims proposing the stay-in-the-closet strategy to their ex-Muslim brethren.

This is a tacit admission by Muslims of two very telling propositions.

First, that the mere suggestion that ex-Muslims exist is provocative enough to pierce the veil of Islamic indoctrination. To acknowledge apostasy was an option that one family member exercised will make it irresistible for other family members whose indoctrination is not yet complete—to reject Islam.

Secondly, that not retaining a theological belief in Islam means that one’s life has become ruined. Many Muslims believe that no meaningful life can be lived by a person once they have left Islam. This is why Muslims are adamant that the indoctrination of younger family members continues unabated.

. Reason 17: Saving family members from cardiac events

Many ex-Muslims who consider publicly leaving the faith hold back given their parents’ or grandparents’ age and health.

There’s often a frail family member in the picture who doesn’t have a robust understanding of the concept of the freedom of and from religion. Learning that a child or grandchild no longer considers themselves Muslim is deeply distressing to such family members.

Much of this is due to the belief held by some Muslims that being a Muslim is synonymous with being a decent human being. To state that you do not believe in Islam anymore is construed as an admission that you no longer believe in goodness itself; that you no longer identify fully as a member of the family.

Furthermore, the Qur’an makes repeated pronouncements of how hellfire awaits the disbelievers and of how lost they all are. Elderly family members can be scared of this punishment on your behalf.

What sane family member would not be agitated if they believed such things awaited their child or grandchild in the afterlife? Some elders can be in genuine pain at the news. Wouldn’t you be, if you thought your child or grandchild was going to spend an eternity (or at least a very long time) agonizing in Hell?

Yes, the Islamic conception of Hell is quite gruesome. Consider these verses from the Qur’an.

These two antagonists dispute with each other about their Lord: But those who deny (their Lord), for them will be cut out a garment of Fire: over their heads will be poured out boiling water. With it will be scalded what is within their bodies, as well as (their) skins. In addition there will be maces of iron (to punish) them. Every time they wish to get away therefrom, from anguish, they will be forced back therein, and (it will be said), "Taste ye the Penalty of Burning!" Qur'an 22:19-22 translation: Yusuf Ali

Elderly family members in frail health who are devout Muslims could go into a deep depression if they learned that a child or grandchild of theirs had chosen to leave Islam. Might this even result in a heart attack?

Consider that more serious than a private disclosure of non-belief to one’s parents is the prospect of an ex-Muslim going public with their declaration of apostasy. The family must now contend with the stigma. They must now contend with the embarrassment in wider community circles. The family will often experience a deep sense of shame and distress.

Adults who ponder coming out to their parents (or even further, to the wider public) are likely attuned to their parents’ health. That’s probably why we don’t see headlines about an adult’s apostasy from Islam triggering acute heart attacks in the elderly.

Intuitively, we recognize that deep emotional pain can precede an accelerated decline in our parents’ health. A decline that will eventually have serious consequences.

It is the fear of what coming out publicly could do to our loved ones that often deters ex-Muslims from being outspoken about their apostasy. This is why a person sensitive to their parents’ health and temperament may share the news privately with their parents but agree to not disclose their non-belief publicly.

And yet not all Muslim families can come to such compromises. In some Muslim families, affirmed disbelief disclosed only to one’s parents can be enough to bring on the threats that, “You are sending your parents to their graves!”.

Many devout Muslims acknowledge this connection. It’s a logical consequence of believing in the words of the Qur’an with full conviction. And yet, some practicing Muslims are in denial. They bellow in laughter at the proposition that a Muslim’s apostasy from Islam could affect their parents’ health.

In response, Zainab decided to share her experience. She is an ex-Muslim who came out to her parents and siblings. She recalls the tension faced in disclosing her apostasy to her parents—who are in their 60s. Zainab’s family members suggested that her insistence to no longer believe in Islam could have serious consequences on her parents’ health:

…[the] point is, the THREAT of it is used as a tool of fear and control. My family members used it as a guilt tactic many, many times, and it kept me in fear. They said things like “you’ll be walking on your mother’s grave”. Try to imagine how awful that made me feel. I love my parents and don’t want to hurt them. That’s why it was so hard to come out.

Zainab, an ex-Muslim woman in Canada

This tension preceded any talk of Zainab going public, which she has since done. Zainab’s goal was simple: the desire to live an authentic life; to stop pretending.

While family health concerns carry a huge burden of guilt, some of us have decided that there’s an even greater concern affecting us all: The tools of fear and control should not drive our decisions. They must not be allowed to arrest a movement predicated on authenticity and personal freedom.

In time, many of the ex-Muslims who have yet to make it out may find a way to navigate their circumstances. But doing so often carries risk, and for many, those risks are simply too great.

The New England Journal of Medicine Weighs in

What about our fears? The declining health risks. Are they justified? Might our non-belief trigger a medically significant decline in health—or worse—a heart attack? Could we end up physically hurting the very people we love?

Consider the following excerpt from an article in the Harvard Medical School blog citing a study published in The New England Journal of Medicine on “stress” cardiomyopathy:

The disorder was commonly believed to be caused by sudden emotional stress, such as the death of a child, and to be far less harmful than a typical heart attack. For that reason, some had also labeled this condition “broken-heart syndrome.” A study in the September 3 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine reports on the work of an international collaboration of physicians from the United States and Europe that studied 1,750 patients with takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Interestingly, 90% of these cases occurred in women, and the women in this study were an average of 67 years old. The most common triggers of stress cardiomyopathy were physical (such as lung problems or infections), and the next most common cause was an emotional “shock.” But in a substantial proportion of patients, there was no trigger that could be identified.

“Stress” cardiomyopathy: A different kind of heart attack

Deepak Bhatt, MD, MPH, Editor in Chief, Harvard Heart Letter Deepak Bhatt, MD, MPH, Editor in Chief, Harvard Heart Letter

Fearing such outcomes, it is no wonder that many ex-Muslims continue to stay in the closet. At least for now.

Reason 18: The Need to feel understood .

It’s a basic human need. We crave being understood. Especially by our family and close friends. Some of our parents don’t have the tools to grasp why we would ever leave Islam. This can be a source of real turmoil for us ex-Muslims.

We want to live authentically and we want our loved ones to understand our decision, even if they disagree with it.

Many Muslim parents immigrated to the West in search of a better life for their children. It is common for their children to have university degrees while they themselves may not. These parents may not have had the good fortune to even finish high school. Further, many immigrant parents may not have developed a full grasp of English as native speakers. There may be limitations to how much nuance is possible in communication between parents and children in such first-generation immigrant families.

It is true that prior to immigrating to the West, some Muslims had no concept of questioning their inherited beliefs. Entertaining religious doubt or rejecting seemingly conventional wisdom was a foreign concept.

Some passionate ex-Muslim activists operate under pseudonyms. It is often compassion for their elders that holds them back from a public declaration of apostasy. It is not just health concerns, as discussed in Reason 17—saving family members from cardiac events.

It is the need to feel understood by those whom we love the most.

If you’ve never been Muslim, the concept of family disapproval at this level may be a difficult one to grasp. To understand the gravity of breaking it to your Muslim parents that you no longer identify as Muslim, imagine your reaction should your own child one day profess their earnest desire to become a cocaine dealer or to admit to being a rapist. Yes, this is the level of disappointment from family that some of us can be dealing with as ex-Muslims.

Many ex-Muslim youth refuse to come out of the closet because their parents will forever look at them with confusion and pity. Their parents are incapable or unwilling to grasp that Islam is a choice. They are unable to fathom that Islam is an ideology itself riddled with moral and ethical quandaries.

That we can be decent and moral human beings without believing other-worldly claims from the 7th century is something that many Muslim parents simply cannot understand. Instinctively, children know their parents’ limitations in these matters.

As a result, many ex-Muslims stay in the closet. Their need to feel understood by loved ones transcends their need to live authentically. For now.

Reason 19: Physical safety .

In the age of death-for-apostasy, coming out as an ex-Muslim can make one a target for physical violence. This concern is real even for those living in the West.

If you go beyond your own apostasy and actually advocate for ex-Muslims or challenge Islam with a jihad-of-the-pen (or a jihad-of-the-YouTube)—you might face real harassment. Real threats to your safety. Yes, even in Western countries like the United Kingdom, United States, Australia, and Canada.

Sometimes, it can even be one’s own family that is feared.

Recently, I came across the story of a former hijabi studying in the West who feared her parents planned visit this summer. The woman’s parents are deeply religious. It wasn’t simply about dealing with awkward conversations. This young woman fears physical violence from her own father. You see, she recently took off her hijab and that conversation will inevitably lead to a discussion about her disbelief in Islam. It is not hard to imagine this woman’s parents revoking funding for her education. It is not hard to imagine this woman having to move back home to the middle east given that her student visa will no longer be valid.

When fear of violence from your own family is what some everyday ex-Muslims have to contend with, consider the precarious situation for ex-Muslim activist voices.

Outspoken British human rights activist Maryam Namazie lives under the threat of violence. She’s a co-founder of the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain and a spokesperson for the One Law for All campaign. Non-combative critics of Islam like Abdullah Sameer in Canada still receive death threats for daring to critique Islam. Sadly, there are many more examples here. Fearing for the safety of you and your family is no longer a problem confined to just the middle east or far east.

So how do we turn the tide? More of us come out. Especially those of us in the West where safety concerns although real, are not as intense as in Muslim majority countries. Each one of us that comes out decreases the risk for the rest of us who are already out.

Reason 20: Professional stigma .

Ex-Muslims can incur a stigma in their professional lives for refusing to participate in identity politics and engaging instead in a criticism of ideas misconstrued as bigotry against a people.

If not your physical safety, being a vocal ex-Muslim can spill over into other areas of your life. Being outspoken may reduce your professional opportunities—and not just because your professional network might be intertwined with your local Muslim community.

It is also a real concern if you live in a western country where many among the far left have lost the plot with regards to Islam.

Much of the liberal left have confused criticism of Islam with bigotry against Muslims. Much of the liberal left refuses to stand up for the values of classical liberalism and the rights of the minority within the minority. Fear of this stigma is real. Ali A. Rizvi nailed it when he introduced us to Islamophobia-phobia.

You wouldn’t want to work in the cubicle next to that white supremacist guy, would you? And yet, as a vocal ex-Muslim activist, you may be just as despised because well intentioned liberals may confuse ex-Muslim with anti-Muslim. They may confuse critique of Islam with bigotry towards Muslims.

Many of us ex-Muslim activists repeatedly emphasize this important distinction and encourage compassion and fair treatment for all—including Muslims. We still love our Muslim families and we will continue to vociferously defend their rights to be free of bigotry in all its forms.

Reason 21: Fear of criminalization by a sharia-based government .

Ex-Muslims in the West may fear for their safety, and for the safety of their families. However, those in many Muslim majority countries have to fear for their lives from the government itself.

Some minority Muslim sects argue that death is not the punishment for apostasy in Islam. They argue that it is all a big misunderstanding; the result of a sinister fabrication of lies inserted into the body of early Islamic ahadith.

Unfortunately, most majority-Muslim countries based on sharia law as they understand it, disagree. It’s not an academic discussion open for debate. It’s a matter of life and death. To openly leave Islam in such countries is still a criminal offence.

To rebrand this practice in more obfuscated terms, Saudi Arabia has for example, declared that all atheists are terrorists. When they kill you for your atheism, the government statistics will record it as a win in the fight against terrorism. After all, who doesn’t want to fight terrorism?

To promote critical thought and to invite others to question Islam in Sharia-based societies of the 21st century is to summon a death wish upon yourself of the legally sanctioned kind.

Reason 22: Solidarity with Muslims to fight Anti-Muslim Bigotry .

Many cultural Muslims feel that to renounce Islam in the current western political climate would be akin to abandoning the Muslim community in its time of need.

Anti-Muslim bigotry has become more visible given the rise of alt-right populism in the West.

Some ex-Muslims feel that there is very little space to maneuver between polar extremes—the identity politics of the regressive left and the bigoted undertones of the fascist far-right.

As such, it is important to fight anti-Muslim bigotry hand in hand with our reasoned critique of Islam. This is the approach emphasized by many thought leaders in the ex-Muslim community, such as Ali A. Rizvi. He is the author of The Atheist Muslim and is a vocal proponent of this dual-pronged approach.

I too believe that this is the path by which ex-Muslims can leave Islam for rational reasons and still maintain solidarity with their Muslim brethren in the fight against bigotry.

Reason 23: Mistaking religion for identity .

Many cultural Muslims feel that their inherited religion is a label that identifies them for life. They feel stuck having to defend it because to admit that something is wrong with Islam would feel like admitting that they themselves are defective.

Many of us born-Muslims were raised by exceedingly decent and loving parents. Everything they did and everything that we were taught always had the brand “Islam” fused to it.

While no single religion or philosophy has a monopoly on loving your family or the virtues of telling the truth, we born-Muslims have been conditioned to associate these universal concepts with “Islam”. To not be Muslim would be tantamount to rejecting these beautiful values—or so we might instinctively be triggered to believe.

Many Muslims have become stuck on this point. To shed the label ‘Muslim’ would feel like an act of rebellion. An insurrection aimed at the heart of family, loyalty, virtue—and at the most selfless love that we can experience—that of our mothers.

You can spot this sentiment expressed most clearly in Muslim youth who are devoted to their respective faith groups. They have conflated obedience to one’s parents—and the love that they have received throughout childhood—as somehow validating the truth of their Islamic scriptures and philosophy.

Can we use that loving upbringing as a proxy for absolute truth? Can we objectively compare our subjective experience with that of the child raised in a Christian home? A progressively secular home? It’s a classic folly and sadly, it’s very common.

The virtue signaling of impassioned Muslim youth—as observed through their participation in volunteering campaigns and in the propagation of their faith—is often anchored to an unconscious belief that to do anything else would be to disrespect the love and sacrifices of those who have come before them.

What some Muslims don’t consciously register is that religion is not an ethnicity nor is it a part of our DNA. It is a belief system that we can chose to adopt—or to reject.

Consider a very real example: some Muslims identify strongly with the struggle of the Palestinian people, who are themselves predominantly Muslim. These Muslims mistakenly confound support for a people (the Palestinians) with support for a religious ideology (Islam).

However, we can develop more nuance than that.

We can show solidarity for a people without having to adopt or retain their dominant religious narrative.

We can shed religious tribalism.

We can separate the loving upbringing we were fortunate enough to receive from the questionable 7th century truth claims that came conflated with that love.

Reason 24: The Spiritual Default .

Some Muslims do believe that Islam is flawed. Yet it still feels comforting to pray and to hope that there is something beyond this life. Islamic practices for connecting with the numinous are already deep-rooted for the born Muslim. They represent the inertial default.

There exist Muslims who don’t believe in the traditional and literal sense, but who find the spirituality as defined on their own terms to be both enjoyable and deeply fulfilling. They would have stayed a Catholic if they were born Catholic. Being born Muslim however, it is understandable that they happen to find Islamic practices of worship familiar and comforting.

Continuing to go through the motions with Islam leverages a devotional framework well understood for connecting with the numinous.

That we crave non-material fulfillment—broadly referred to as spirituality—is an undeniable part of the human condition. It is easy to see why this aspect of formalized classical theism can be such a draw.

There are in fact atheists who have retained the practice of prayer. Not because they believe that they are actually talking to anyone beyond themselves, but because the conversation with one’s self can be deeply gratifying. Prayer can be a mixture of positive affirmations, incantations, meditation, contemplation and a cathartic unloading of one’s burdens. We can feel lighter and more at ease when we’ve asked for help.

Few people formally identify as Agnostic Muslims. Most who doubt Islam enough to change affiliations simply leave outright. There are however, many who hold on to Islam, and not because they’re thrilled that their prophet consummated marriage with a young Aishah who played with dolls or that he banned alcohol but not slavery. They hold on because their real focus is on retaining some structure—any structure—that provides a framework for what they hope might be a connection to the Divine.

As touched upon in Reason 3, religion may just not be intrinsically interesting enough for some to embark on a search for an alternate belief system. Frankly speaking, that’s an impossible game. It’s easier to simply cherry pick from the day-to-day prescriptions of the religion that one inherited. It’s easier to fashion a ‘perfect’ version of Islam in one’s mind, and then dutifully practice meditative and devotional rituals of worship on that basis.

Reason 25: Having one’s parents shamed and isolated .

Leaving Islam outright, or even just not showing up at religious functions can often affect one’s parents. Specifically, parents’ social standing and reputation within their religious community. It can bring both shame and isolation to the elderly whose entire world is that very same social circle.

In Islamic communities, many middle-aged and elderly Muslim women are socialized to have little else to do, but gossip. Among other topics, these women share stories about whose adult children are no longer religious.

It’s difficult being and living authentically as a non-believer within a Muslim community. The tighter-knit the community, the greater the challenge to be true to oneself. Nowhere is this more evident than in highly organized and socially insulated religious communities, like that of the Ahmadiyya Muslims.

Consider this testimonial from a young woman on the Questioning Islam/Ahmadiyya subreddit (forum):

There are a lot of people who dislike Ahmadiyyat and even Islam, yet continue to associate with it out of fear of being abandoned by their family, friends, and the culture. Ahmadiyyat makes it so damn hard for a person to leave without guilt, as there is absolutely no confidentiality in it and the head people tell everyone in the Jama’at [religious congregation] about the person who left, closing out our parents from their circle and shaming them. [punctuation adjusted for readability]

This same young woman continues in a later comment:

Well, this hasn’t happened with my parents but I’ve seen it happen to another women. Her daughter left [the] Jama’at and of course the ohde dars [volunteer office bearers] told everyone. The lady used to come to every meeting and had a lot of friendships in the Jama’at. Now she barely comes because everyone talks about her daughter leaving (even though not directly to her face) and makes it damn obvious. This is what I meant by ‘they slowly close their circle and indirectly make the[m] feel bad’. [punctuation adjusted for readability]

Another woman joined the discussion to comment:

This is so sad. Even though I’ve struggled, I know how much my family value[s] the Jama’at and [I] would hate to see them lose out if something similar happened [to me]. Stuff like this is why people prefer the slow fade rather than officially leaving. [punctuation adjusted for readability]

For many who no longer believe, it is compassion for their parents that holds them back from standing up for themselves. They slowly fade away from community social circles instead of stating plainly that they no longer believe.

Islamic communities breed the very hypocrisy railed about in the Qur’an. The number of non-believers within Muslim communities is far larger than what we might imagine from the few who openly profess that they no longer believe, or that they never actually did.

Concluding Thoughts

This article explored the reasons why some Muslims are not public about their apostasy from Islam (or their apathy towards it).

The list of reasons in this article focused on cultural Muslims. People who for the most part, society would presume to be believing Muslims. Many of these people are actually closet agnostics, atheists and deists. Some also consider themselves liberal Muslims or cultural Muslims.

Those of us who reject the theology of Islam outright, are ex-Muslims. Please do not confuse us with anti-Muslim bigots.

We ex-Muslims can and do love our Muslim families—even if their interpretation of Islam instructs them to shun us. Some of us are fortunate to have loving and open-minded families who have accepted us, as we are.

We ex-Muslims want to challenge ideas while emphasizing respect for people. The mantra is simple: no bigotry, no apology.

Help Lead the Way Out

So what about you? Are you still in the closet? Did any of the reasons in this article resonate with you?

Are you planning to have your fiancé fake-convert to Islam to make your parents happy, even though they know that you’re not religious and that your fiancé is an atheist? Consider refusing to fake anything. You’ll make it easier for the next wave of ex-Muslims to come out to their parents too.

Perhaps disclosing your non-belief in stages will help you speak your truth to loved ones. Reason with them that it’s not just about their reputation in their community. Rather, you want to do your part to help make it easier for new members to join your community of ex-Muslims.

You are looking to make life easier for those who would otherwise feel completely alone. Viewed in this light, preserving family “honour” can be the heartless option. Living authentically is almost always going to be the more noble path.

Many of the reasons discussed here can make it seem more pragmatic for us as individuals to stay in the closet. It is my firm belief however, that it is detrimental for us as a collective to continue to do so.

Our brethren in the middle east and far east have even fewer opportunities to speak up. They risk being killed by an Islamist mob or a sharia-infused bureaucracy.

The landscape is changing, however. More of us are stepping out of the shadows. More of us are publicly challenging Islamic doctrine and engaging in dialog with Islamic apologists.

We are forming in-person communities outside of religion—be they for affirming positive values like secular humanism or for healing the wounds sustained from our experiences with religion.

The more of us that speak up today; the more of us that we will hear speaking up tomorrow.

Each small act of defiance and ownership of the ex-Muslim label helps everyone who wants to live a more authentic life, do so.

The work of vocal and public ex-Muslim activists that came before us paved the way for us to study, evaluate, critique, and leave Islam. Their brave acts of defiance enabled many of us to be honest with ourselves. It is now time to pay it forward.

Seriously. Reflect on what you can do to advance the dialog and to propel the movement forward.

How can you help? What if you took one for the team? How quickly your small or large act of defiance would inspire others—and multiply. How quickly would we collectively deflate the power of these reasons that hold us back. Reasons for which many of us stay silent.

If you want to be on the right side of history, the time is now.

Be the change that you wish to see.