VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos. “Effective immediately upon learning that many of these miracles were performed using sorcery of the darkest and most horrific variety, we have decided to strip these individuals of their sainthood,” said Pope Francis, noting that he had been “shaken to his core” by revelations that St. Bartholomew had been spotted consorting with an 11-feet-tall being of writhing tendrils and dimly lit eyes before following the abomination into a churning tunnel coated in countless rows of human teeth. “What frightens me most is the contemporary sources suggesting that my patron, St. Francis of Assisi, was seen carrying around a grimoire bound in human flesh just before the healing miracle at Nardi. I don’t want to believe something like this is possible. Yet, while touring the papal catacombs, I have often heard softly hissing voices speaking in a demented tongue unknown to any man.” At press time, Francis announced that the Swiss Guard had been dispatched to destroy the former saint’s relics and pour sacramental elixirs onto the ashes, although he feared even this would not be enough to hold their ineffable horrors at bay.

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