(spoilers, clearly)

1. If your aunt runs a dinosaur theme park and you’re absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs, you still won’t be able go until you’re at least 12.

2. If you’re trying to sell corporate sponsorship for a new species attraction and there’s an opportunity to spin a digital DNA strand with your hand, do it.

3. Chris Pratt is killing the lat game.

4. You can leave in the middle of a meeting with 7 other people just to call your kids at a theme park.

5. If you’re wearing a hardhat, your odds of dying in a dinosaur theme park are 95%. If you’re fat its pretty much a guarantee.

The man behind Chris Pratt has a high chance of dying.

6. If you’re getting a divorce and didn’t hide the mail, rookie mistake. Your kids will most definitely google the lawyers.

7. A Jeep that hasn’t been touched in 20 years is easily fixed by an apathetic teenager and his kid brother. Batteries in old binoculars also still work in the same fashion.

8. If killer birds get loose, wait about 20 minutes until they actually reach the general public before telling everyone on the PA System.

About seven seconds after the crowd was told that birds might be coming

9. If you’re British and named after an overpriced clothing store, you’re gonna be the inner layer of a real-life turducken.

10. No matter how important you are, scientists aren’t really required to tell you the genetic makeup of the thing they made that’s killing everyone. Especially when they are fully aware that you are sending out a species to kill it that it’s pretty much related to.

11. When a sweaty woman runs with a flare gun in slow motion she’s clearly too sexy to be considered food to a T-Rex.

Too sexy to be food

12. If you’ve just introduced two T-Rexs to each other to fight, you must sprawl-collapse between them like a mermaid.

13. When you yell “RUN!” it pretty much means “Here — come behind these pillars with me and watch these dinosaurs fight three feet away.”

14. Velociraptors are politicians at heart and at first choose power but then ultimately sell themselves out to be liked by the masses.

15. Andy Serkis has really outdone himself.