Eyewitnesses confirm: The flood of facts and logic was ‘Biblical’

Photo by Gage Skidmore and Madison Pennisi | The State Press "Ben Shapiro speaking earlier this year at the National Conference for the Consortium of Ben Shapiros." Illustration published Wednesday, July 25, 2018. Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

By Parker Shea | 07/25/2018 3:29pm

Young progressive pundit David Pigeon was sarcastically laughed off the Lyceum Theater stage Tuesday by over 3,000 Ben Shapiros after a heated Q&A session in which Pigeon was physically annihilated by pure logic alone.

Pigeon was ‘ultra-platformed’ — the practice of a student group ensuring a speaker will attend its university by being very accommodating and generous — by the ASU Consortium of Ben Shapiros, an organization comprising several thousand Ben Shapiros.

The club’s website offers their mission statement, which is “to attract, entice and then destroy every snowflake in the country by applying the oven of objective truth to their invalid ideology.”

“We’re open to all debate, but we especially like when leftists come to talk to us,” one particularly snarky Ben Shapiro said after the lecture.

“The more famous, the better. That shows the viewers on YouTube just how stupid so many of these progressives are. I definitely think that’s what we accomplished here tonight.”

Though Pigeon thought he may have found a friendly audience at first, based on the readily available stage and respectfulness of the club’s president, Ben Shapiro, and event coordinator, also Ben Shapiro, he wasn’t ready for the epic destruction that was to follow.

Pigeon, who argued for the abolition of the second amendment, a 40-percent tax on baby boomers’ land holdings and the deportation of all high-income earners into outer space, was greeted with a mixture of unsettling giggles and scoffs. Eyewitnesses reported that this continued through Pigeon’s entire lecture, right up until the Q&A session.

By that point, Pigeon was sweating bullets, looking down the barrel of the thousands of Ben Shapiros in the crowd, all of whom had a vaguely sadistic smile across their faces and were staring right through their bushy little eyebrows.

The first Ben Shapiro shuffled his way to the microphone, excusing himself to several other Ben Shapiros he might have inconvenienced while walking past. Once he arrived in front of the mic that had been set up between the theater’s aisles, he politely waited for Pigeon to gather himself and wipe the sweat off his brow.

A tense moment passed, but every Ben Shapiro in the auditorium held back his glee while waiting for Ben Shapiro to ask the first question. Not one would be so disrespectful as to prod Pigeon or to interrupt the person clearly designated to speak: Ben Shapiro.

“G-g-go ahead,” Pigeon pathetically stammered, finally allowing the first Ben Shapiro the floor.

“You’ve said we should abolish the second amendment altogether,” Ben Shapiro started. The whole theater held its breath. “Now, to be clear, is that before or after we give Texas back to Mexico, because that’s an important detail in terms of how hard it's gonna be to collect all the guns.”

The crowd erupted into squealing laughter. Witnesses who attended the event said they never saw so many Ben Shapiros so happy at once. The Ben Shapiro who asked the question stood steady as a rock, looking stoically up at his victim on the stage.

But the attendees promptly regained their composure to see how Pigeon would react. Just then, Pigeon’s knees began wobbling violently. His facial expression became distorted into that of an angry toddler, and eventually he melted right into a crystal blue puddle on the floor of the stage.

Though bewildered, none of the Ben Shapiros seemed to care about what became of Pigeon. However, about half of them did leave pocket-sized copies of the United States Constitution next to the puddle on their way out of the theater. Asked about this later, the event coordinator said the symbolic statement was not planned, but that Ben Shapiros usually carry at least a couple copies of America’s founding document on their person.

At press time, Pigeon had percolated through a crack in the wall at CNN's Time Warner Center in New York City and re-condensed into his human form just in time to be on the panel of CNN Tonight with Don Lemon.

Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.

Reach the columnist at parker.shea@asu.edu or follow @laconicshamanic on Twitter.

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