The Ten Least Attractive Male Authors of 2013

It’s true that the pen is mightier than the sword, but when you add looks to the mix, it’s a captivating combination. From best-selling wretches to rising publishing stars with unbearable personal habits, we rounded up ten of the least attractive male authors. We hate to judge a book by its cover, but in this case—wow!

10. The Vaguely Bearable Humorist. Attached to some dying former industry tent-peg, and knows it. Somehow managed to score the last reliable paycheck in publishing, but has no future. Isn’t everything so hard, his wheezing, cutesy slice-of-life pieces beg. Isn’t being a grown-up hard. The worst part of it is that you’ve met his wife, and she’s delightful. She’s brilliant and wildly (but quietly) successful in her chosen field, and he makes frequent reference to how successfully he married at parties. He always stands too close. His skin is always slightly shiny, like he’s recently been sprayed with Pam.

9. The Personal Finance Wizard. This barely-qualified babe rehashes half-baked, already-widely-received ideas for a weekly column so soporific it’s used in physician-assisted suicides in six states. Widely believed to be Finance Writer Hot after his first four books, now at best Kaplan Biomechanics Guide Hot.

8. The Eerie Gimmick. Tigers factor into his latest book, somehow. Fighting them, or harnessing them in space, or whatever. It’s pretty much just a list of half-assed Ron Swanson-based aphorisms, mostly. He is completely unaware of the fact that his every move is driven by terror and seeks to avoid self-reflection at all costs. If he didn’t have his laptop to distract him, he would fall asleep weeping every night. His hairline is unbearable.

7. The Businessman. Author of Why Not If You’re Going Where I’m Going Too? Refers to himself as a media mogul and a business expert; 80% of his Twitter followers are spambots or fellow self-declared business experts. His name has quickly become synonymous with innovation, entrepreneurship and evolution, mostly because he repeats those words whenever he is introduced professionally. Cannot maintain a single consistent facial expression for longer than twelve seconds.

6. The Dating & Relationship Expert. What makes him an expert, you ask? Always seems to have a cold. Has met multiple women who are not in his immediate family.

5. The Middlebrowist. Prides himself on saying “whatever’s on his mind,” which is both a meaningless ability that requires no special skills or discernment and nothing to be proud of. Went to law school, of course. Have you seen him in formal wear? Brave women weep.

4. The Saddest Bildungsromanist.The least-celebrated babe of his generation. Frequently acts as if disappointment after a failure to live up to one’s own expectations is something invented exclusively for him. Smokes the foulest imported cigarettes. They’re thin and brown and longer than most cigarettes, and they smell like nothing else on earth. His teeth are impossible.

3. The Acclaimed Short Story Writer. When pressed for a list of his literary influences, he always includes Sylvia Plath as the lone woman. Always. Does not know how to wear a scarf properly, although he does not let this stop him from wearing scarves.

2. Prize-Winning Recluse. Controversial? Not in the looks department. His posture has been described as “like Rodin’s The Thinker, but not in a thinking way.” In a recluse-ing way.

1. The Former Lad’s Mag Columnist. You believe most of the rumors about his unsavory sexual practices, and have at least one friend who claims to know someone he took naked pictures of after she fell asleep at his house. There is absolutely nothing behind his eyes.