NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion.

The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and lasted two hours, receiving rave reviews from conservative commentators and a surprisingly robust audience of 7.2 million viewers.

“This is one of the most highly informative programs I’ve ever seen on television,” said conservative radio host Wayne Allen Root. “There’s just so much value to the conservative, patriotic American tuning in to the full two hours. Don’t change the channel!”

The show’s stunningly high ratings reflected positive experiences felt by various viewers, who haven’t watched any of the recent coverage of Robert Mueller’s special counsel investigation into the Russian government, its interference in the 2016 presidential election, possible collusion with the Trump presidential campaign, or the recent indictments associated with it. Nope, none of that.

“There’s just so much hateful political coverage out there” said Jacqui Manning, a real estate agent in Bristol, Ohio. “It’s nice to watch news [sic] covering something more family-friendly. Clinton sold our uranium.”

“This show just gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling,” said Sam Schnatter, a used car salesman in Helena, Montana. “As well as a subtle yet powerful resentment of millenials. Benghazi.”

A veteran from the War on Christmas contributed to this report. She can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com.

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