Government to reject EU food standards because it’s not like poor farming methods have put the entire future of humanity in doubt

The government will no longer abide by EU food hygiene standards following Brexit because it’s not like the entire future of humanity has been put at risk by a dodgy Wuhan takeaway, according to reports.

By rejecting the nannyish instincts of our former European friends and partners, the Tories hope to keep the door open to delicious chlorinated chicken carcasses from the US as part of a trade deal guaranteed to have you shitting through the eye of a needle in intensive care.

The UK is now aiming for a more “chilled” approach to the production and slaughter of poultry, as can be found in the Far East, where infected food products have definitely not caused much of a problem with people suddenly dying.

Indeed, the whole Coronavirus thing is most likely a conspiracy on the part of Johnny Foreigner to force French chickens – who can’t even speak fucking English – onto British dinner plates.

UK Environment Secretary, George Eustice, who admitted Northern Italy was quiet for this time of year, said, “Say what you like about open air-food markets in China, but the chickens are free to roam around like Jeffrey Epstein at an S-Club 7 concert.

“You can’t expect the British people to be held to ransom by over-zealous food hygienists in Brussels just because someone once ate a dodgy mollusc in Hubei.

He added, “After all, around forty-eight per cent of you voted Tory at the last election, which proves that whether it’s chlorinated or not. you’ll swallow pretty much anything.”