A screen capture from the season finale of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Hulu/Hulu.com

I am a 40-year-old single woman, with no children and I have never been married. I am neither a spinster or a victim of circumstance. I just have no desire for the pomp and circumstance of marriage. Yes, I believe in love as I am currently in love. I just don’t feel that I need to have the ceremony and paperwork to share my life with someone. And children, no thank you. This deviation of the supposed norm has set me apart from the majority of the women, both in my family and other’s I have encountered in my life.

Excluding my sister, the women in my family all in some way believed these choices should be my choices. My grandmother feels very strongly about unmarried, single women. To her, it’s silly for a woman to not be a mother. To quote her exact words, “that is a stupid decision.” Her rationale is what if I needed a drink of water, who would bring it to me? I would like to think I could get it myself. If not, my love or my caretaker. Having a child, solely for the sake of making sure I have someone to fetch me water is absurd. To her, every woman wants to be a mother and if not there is something wrong with you. Initially, I thought this was due to her old school nature. Sadly, no. It seems that a lot more women have this shared belief, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

My mother, however, I am not too sure about the motives behind her insinuations. She married and later divorced two shit humans, my father, and her second husband. Neither of which were suitable partners, yet she stayed with them and participated in a shit storm of volatility. With my father, they always fought; both physically and verbally. He apparently had enough and allegedly cut up all of my mother’s clothing and all of her belongings. Going as a far as ripping the sheets off the bed, pouring red Kool-Aid over their mattress and stabbing it with a knife, along with leaving a threatening note. Her second marriage also ended in a similar fashion. There was a lot of fighting. She met him at work. Her employer informed her that he was under criminal investigation for fraud. Rather than be a single mother, again — she was pregnant with my half-sister at the time — she moved forward with the relationship and eventually married him. He ultimately robbed her of her dignity, ruined her credit and spent all of her money. Towards the end of their marriage, things were so bad that my grandmother no longer allowed him into her house. He would have to drop us off for family gatherings and drive around until we were finished. Granted he was an asshole. However, that was her daughter’s choice. For my grandmother to behave that way is something that I will never condone.

Both my sister and I felt that our mother and grandmother’s directions were misguided. We decided long ago that we’d live the life that makes us happy. Her path lead to a husband and over twenty years of marriage with four beautiful children. My path led me to a lovely unmarried life in New York, almost twenty years ago. We respect each other’s lifestyle choices. I think her marriage is rock solid and her children amazing contributions to society. Just like she understands why I am single and live alone.

Children are beautiful gifts from God. However, I don’t need or want one. The reason why, and it’s quite interesting that no one ever asks me this question, is due to the state of my mental health. I am bipolar 1 and suffer from emotional PTSD. Naturally, psychological issues do not inhibit one from being a great mother and wife. However, for me, it has more to do with my temperament. To operate at my best, I require a lot of space. I am very protective and unyielding on this. Somedays I don’t have the energy to form words, let alone have a conversation or care for a child. I would never want to subject their innocence to what I deal with on a daily basis. I bask in the ability to come home to an empty space. The silence allows me to get my thoughts together and come down from the angst of the workday. Another area of concern is the amount of medication I have to take. One of my prescriptions causes birth defects, and I refuse to accept that gamble. That more than anything is the main deal breaker. For me to bring a life into this world, under those circumstances, would be a selfish and vile act.

This disconnect has also found its way to the social stratosphere. Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a series of fiery exchanges messages between myself and other women. They were appalled at my position, with regards to small children on long-haul flights and the national breastfeeding awareness. On Twitter, there was a retweeted comment by a mother flying with a small child. She labeled those who complained as “shit humans.” That’s rather rude. I replied saying that I had a nightmare experience of a child crying for eight hours straight on a flight from Amsterdam to New York and suggested that parents should maybe wait until their child feels a bit more comfortable. Oh, my goodness! The floodgates opened, and I was pummeled with a shit storm of catty bitches. I was accused of being a monster, a horrible human and pretty much a disgrace to all women. And how I need to be more sympathetic and other blah blah blah’s. No, I don’t. At what point did it become politically incorrect to speak out against crying babies on airplanes?

On Instagram, the fight ensued with my comments regarding the recent announcement of legalized public breastfeeding. After growing tired of seeing the breasts flooding my timeline, I replied by saying, “Um…I guess this is news. I have no desire to expose my bare breasts in public.” This set off yet another shit storm of women thinking that my point of view is flawed. I get it. To some, the national legalization of public breastfeeding is a huge ordeal. Woohoo! To me, not so much. I mean, feeding your baby is a natural act, so I don’t understand why we need to be force-fed photos of women with kids hanging off their boob. I shared that my moral compass was focused on more pressing matters and that was also met with negative commentary. So many were chiming in to say “well, don’t!” One woman had the nerve to liken breastfeeding with the celebration of Black history month. Holy fucking shit! Who knew women could be that crazy? Others said that my opinion doesn’t matter because I am not a mother. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? No, I don’t have children, but I have breasts. And if I did have a child, I absolutely would not feed them in a public place. It has nothing to do with shame or body dysmorphia. I am merely a fucking prude. Public nudity in any shape or form for me is a no go. If I could shower in a turtleneck, I would.

The continuum of backlash and other rude suggestions inferred from women were remarkably ignorant. I am puzzled as to how my lifestyle choices affect their livelihoods. The common assumption about my life’s decisions is that I am bitter or worse, a man-hating angry black woman. It goes without saying that I am not angry, nor do I hate men, and I certainly don’t hate children. I am not a fucking monster. You would think I sold out the female gender by being honest and upfront about who I am and who I am not. This narrative that we all want the same things in life is entirely false. Not everyone desires to have a title or a ring. Nor do I want to be surrounded by children, or see exposed breasts in public. You can’t fight for female equality without understanding that women are all unique creatures. To suggest that my beliefs are unwarranted within a public discussion about women’s issues is preposterous. I know my view on life is entirely different from other’s however, the general consensus from the events that have taken place over the past few weeks is that I need help or I am too hostile. Or possibly just a miserable human being. All because I have no desire to exist within the general confines of female life. That is so childish. What is this, high school?

The behavior exhibited by my grandmother and my mother completely shattered my view on the matriarch persona. The only thing I learned from them is that I didn’t want to emulate their behavior or bring any of their lessons into my adult life. I have learned that I can be nurturing without being a mother. As well as love my boo thang without needing to be his wife, or desperate for him to be my husband. No thank you. Nor do I want, or wish to have complete access to every detail of his life. He’s a grown ass man that knows right from wrong. I have no desire or the mental bandwidth to track or know his every move. Nor do I offer that in return. He knows that I am a great life partner, as is he; and this has all come together without us being married. Along with not feeling the need for us to share access to our bank accounts or social security numbers. That to me is just silly and unnecessary. If you’re untrustworthy, then we can’t move forward, not as friends and certainly not as romantic partners. My mother shared everything and still wound up losing it all. Thankfully she is resilient and bounced back. However, I will never forget what she exposed us to.

Women are qualified to become the president; however, if she doesn’t want a husband or children, she’s a miserable spinster. This brings yet another online fight to mind. I had a dramatic exchange with regards to my feelings about Cynthia Nixon running for Governor of New York. I personally don’t feel she’s qualified to run this state. I could be wrong, but I could also be right. This question once again pitted me against other women. I think the most ridiculous inferences was them saying that as I woman I should support her and then attempting to compare her to Ronald Reagan. She is not Reagan. Nor would I offer blind support solely based on us having the same lady bits. That is dangerous and foolish. I think it’s an excellent opportunity for a female candidate, yes. However, I am not convinced Ms. Nixon is ready for the job. To me, she does not have enough experience to earn my vote. I could potentially consider voting for her if she ran for mayor. It has nothing to do with her femininity. It has everything to do with her lack of political experience. Anyone can put together projections and other election-related fanfare, however, if you don’t have a clear path as to how to get there, why are you running? Being a leader is more than securing your platform. How are you going to work with the long-standing lawmakers to get things done? Governor Cuomo has his faults, as all politicians do, but I don’t see this as a challenging race. I was a strong supporter of HRC during the last election. She is clearly overqualified to run this country or any other country for that matter. However, towards the end of her campaign, she became a bit snarky and overconfident. This, I must admit, was a turnoff. Why do we as women need to be catty to prove our points? Granted she was running against an inhibitor of evil, so the bar was set pretty low. None the less, I was disappointed that she stooped to his level. This was also met with negative commentary from women.

Equality is subjective, and the idea that we as women have one voice and all want the same things is ridiculous. I find that women are far more judgmental and bullish than men with regards to deeming something as universal cause worthy or not. We come in all shapes and sizes, along with various walks of life. The only things we have in common are breasts and vaginas. Rather than lash out and shame women for making other choices, let’s open up the discussion. We are not monolithic. Your opinion, just like mine is equally valid. Why must I choose your side or become a wife or a mother for my views to be validated? Silencing me and rejecting my ideals negates any strides that women have made over the years. We are capable of doing great things, and if we all come together, I know we move our cause even further.