Hey everybeast. For the fall extravaganza, I was going to do “Why Slagar is the Best Redwall Villain” for my character discussion thread, but then I had an idea: what if I ranked all the main villains of the books by how useful they’d be in a bar fight? It was a fairly natural progression. Just remember: this is not a “who would win” –it is about exactly what the title says.-All images from the Redwall Wiki; resized and some cropped.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mokkan is the worst Redwall villain to have on your side in a bar fight. Sure, Mokkan being very clearly out for his own skin isn’t a rare trait, but if you go about murdering your own sister, that especially doesn’t say much about your reliability to hold the line. But far more inconvenient, Mokkan will dance about, lamenting poetically about the unfairness of this foe and that foe, and generally talk up a tough storm of crushing them all, disproportionately, and achieving a resounding victory that will involve his total satisfying obliteration of all enemies. Then Mokkan will get hit. The biggest talkers usually don’t stack up well. Mokkan is hunting for the back door after, at most, fifteen seconds.Urgan Nagru also loves to talk about himself. For instance, remember the time he fought and killed a wolf? There is, however, the fact that the wolf was frozen. And dead. As for brains, I’d just note that Urgan thought flipping a name around was clever. But hey, Urgan Nagru can use a knife to cut skin and fur. This wannabe wolf of a fox will talk up a sprawl, not too different from Mokkan. However, Urgan Nagru won’t be crawling around under a table in the back after the first staff-butt or thrown bottle comes near him. No. But the moment two or three more are being chucked, where will he be, if not beating a hasty retreat to a cozy corner?Ublaz Mad Eyes. If the perfumed, pampered and puffed nature of the beast’s physical appearance didn’t betray anything to the other side, there’s still another problem. The other problem would be if Ublaz is even willing to pick up a weapon, any type of weapon, if he hasn’t sufficiently cleaned or waxed or sanitized it first. The second he gets hit, which will be quick, he will be screaming, and given his penchant for ironic suffering, probably going to hurt himself further.This mess of a conglomerate will be pushing and shoving to volunteer to fight. This is not generally something that happens before a bar fight, and probably not something you especially want to see happen, at least if they’re trying to get on your side. Undoubtedly, they represent some different fighting styles among them. You could see Sawney Rath trying to snarl his way through a particularly big foe, or Ruggan Bor trying to solemnly surrender once he encounters a more imposing set of foes threatening to chuck bottles his way. Gruven’s wail might even do for a battle cry to alert the makeshift troops. Gruven is also the sort of guy who’s liable to start screaming “Quit!” because he’s actually decided that the fight wasn’t supposed to start until everybeast had one more drink or some other nonsense to excuse the unfortunate start that Gruven will, without question, have had once any fists start flying anywhere. Vallug might have a good idea as to how thrown projectiles travel and impact, but that’s only good if he’s not trying to take out a guy on your own side. Ditto Eefera. Just don’t have any of these guys on your side in a bar fight, and be safe.Think of a really big, nasty fellow, and one that just doesn’t look quite like he should really be sentient. The kind of guy who has definitely, definitively, only ever gotten anywhere thanks to his sheer size. That is Razzid Wearat. Razzid is the first of the really physically towering villains to be ranked, and that’s because size counts for more if you can reliably use it. He isn’t entirely useless, of course, because he is afterall ridiculously physically present in any bar. And not a great many of the other side are going to want to deal with this hunk hurling an awkward punch their way. But let’s remember that, afterall, this fearsome specimen of a villain has a reputation for literally going to hide in the kitchens when things get bad. You don’t really want Razzid on your side in a bar fight.Vilaya has a crystal sheath, and a violet cape. Not only is she not physically imposing, she is going to be downright target number one for anyone vaguely insulted by her aristocratic aura. Without any personal counselor or a far more capable sable to do her bidding, what is Vilaya’s course of action likely to be?At least, Vilaya has some capacity to maybe strike one decent hit before going down. But don’t count on it. She can definitely misdraw.Damug is a big rat. A very big rat. He’s also a very big rat that likes a very, very large army square in between him and any opposition he’s expecting to face. Still, Damug is physically strong, and doesn’t mind a proper fight. And if he’s down in a corner, he’ll at least be smashing out with his fists against who’s ever got him bear-hugged. That can count for something.A beast who has to paint everyone who joins him blue is kind of giving away that he’s not the best guy to rely on. Trunn will be one of the most wild, smashing folks in a bar fight, for about forty seconds. When push comes to shove, and it will, Trunn is going to be scouring for an exit. Any exit. Trunn is scheme-y, certainly, but no more so than your average villain. He might be a relatively large beast, being a wildcat, but like Urgan, it’s one of those situations where size doesn’t seem to be the domineering factor.Who’s everyone’s favorite Victorian stoat? Bar brawling is not the sport of stoats who fancy themselves severely out of place as a Victorian-esque, smarter-than-everyone-else, definitely-totally-more-refined-in-taste-than-everyone-else, stoat. Nothing about Vilu’s style and choice of ship regimen suggests he can handle a real, surly brawl. The only real plus side to Vilu might be that he deliberately checks and makes sure all the exits are blocked before any fight begins. That’s totally his style and might prove to be somewhat valuable.Kurda probably doesn’t go to a lot of bars. But whatever her insufferability, Kurda is mean. Really fed up with just everything levels of mean and aggravated, you know? And she isn’t the type to just swelter at home about it. She is hardly going to be a rush and shove attacker, probably the furthest from it after Vilaya, but she will be downright spiteful to anyone crouching in on her corner. The issue is, she also has a standing reputation as a gigantic coward. But a proper broom or cue stick in her hand will still be reasonably dangerous, right?Honestly, I’m not sure what to do with Swartt. He’s obviously relatively fit, relatively competent, and reasonably intelligent. That’s enough to get him above quite a few beasts, but not really to tap into the truer value of a brawler.Given how little he ever gets mentioned, or anybeast remembers he even exists, Vizka might be useful for a surprise attack. He’s the sort of resident of a bar that conceptually everybeast knows is there, but don’t really ever have cause to talk about. But even if you don’t remember him being there, he’ll be there, swinging. What else is he going to do?I like Slagar. A lot*. But let’s be honest, what about his incredibly compelling, fascinating nature, warped mind structure, or cleverness is going to shine in a bar fight? He at least lacks most of the preceding flaws as a bar fighter, hence his current rank. Will Slagar try and down members of his own side? Of course, but at least he’ll have probably the sense to wait until more immediate concerns are out of the way. Slagar is a survivor. Above all else, he will always seek to survive. The real plus side is, if your side does lose, you can bet on one thing. The other side is going to have problems on their hands, somehow, at some time, in the future. Slagar serves revenge very well. And if nothing else, Slagar can be satisfied he beat the rest of those lackeys in the rankings.*=this was originally supposed to be all about him.Korvus will probably be the only winged creature in the bar. That’s a major advantage right there. He’s a guy who can weave in and out, making quick hits, and getting out of the way of a counterpunch quickly. If there’s any catfish mounted on the walls, though, Korvus is going to evaporate in a snap.Badrang likes a fight. Badrang also has enough history as a salty seafarer who’s still emerged in that culture to know how to brawl. And you don’t rise to his stature without some proper ambition alongside your cruelty and intellect. Badrang’s capacity for self-control is also underrated. He can calculate when to punch and how to work around an enemy when they’re too predictable. Might be haunted by the voices of wailing brawlers, though. Could impair how helpful he proves to be.Riggu is the rare villain leader who can actually pull off revenge. And being a big wildcat doesn’t hurt, especially if you’re a trained fighter and tactician. Riggu is also in the family business. He’s bad at it, but that just makes him more dangerous. Just wait until he shows up at the other side’s residences a few days later, in the middle of the night, with a couple of wildcat young ones looking to prove their mobbed selves. Afterall, if anyone’s setting up a Redwallian mafia, it’s Riggu.First things first, Ferahgo is good with knives. Really good. And in either close quarters or thrown. Get a steak knife or something in his hands right off the bat. And Ferahgo is about the dirtiest you can get. If you want an unfair, uncalled for, sour hit on an enemy puncher, have Ferahgo. Think of a few reasonably ungentlemanly methods of conducting a brawl, and Ferahgo will be completely comfortable with them. Ferhago also presumably knows a thing or two about which nerves and joints to hit, and giving out pain in general, given his penchant for that sort of thing. Knowing where to strike matters.Tsarmina probably doesn’t do well around a lot of liquid. Not since the Incident. So, her rank this high might seem odd, but think about this: If a wild, water-crazed, terrified-of-her-environment mess of a unruly, unbrushed giant cat comes screaming your way with a cue stick, you’re going to be alarmed. Think of the wave of opposition she could repulse.Let’s be clear: Gulo is the most physical intimidating badbeast there is. Strategy is not necessarily your best friend in chaos, either. So why would a raving nuts, perpetually drunk on his own power, chasing after phantoms of imaginary spiritually endowed power giant who is also absurdably, frightening strong and claw-y not be useful? Because he is a raving nuts, perpetually drunk on his own power, chasing after phantoms of imaginary spiritually endowed power giant who is also absurdably, frightening strong and claw-y monster who will tear the other side to shreds with wild swing after wild swing, taking out as many stools as brawlers in the process. Just put Gulo on the frontlines, and you’ll have the other side wondering whether they should even attempt to start throwing punches.Cluny’s status as a searat gets undersold, given his somewhat odd entry. Cluny is a bilge rat, and I’m pretty sure no other beast has ever been described as a bilge rat. Cluny’s strong, agile, fast, very diverse in his tactical prowess, and with a proper drive to get in every, single, possible last blow at the enemy. Even his escape attempts feel more like understandable self-survival than cowardice. Any show of weakness will be, unlike a few of those ranked above, a ruse, not genuine begging or fear. And Cluny can surely do some proper eye-gouging fighting, given the whole having lost an eye himself. He killed that pike, by the way. Don’t hit Cluny in the face if you don’t want some serious, anger-fueled retaliation. And watch his tail as it maneuvers around debris. Just don’t forget that Cluny is still his own beast, and will gladly deck anyone who he decides is better down than up.Raga Bol has a silver hook. While that sounds more like a euphemism than a weapon, there’s no way a salted, tall, literally hooked searat wouldn’t be good in a bar fight. Deep down, somewhere, it’s almost a guarantee Raga Bol has fought in bars before, somewhere or other in the Redwall universe, wherever it is that seabeasts actually gather to drink. He’s the sort of rat whose rat parents probably ran their own joint seaweed grog bar-pool hall enterprise at some tavern in the far western reaches of the world. Raga Bol’s also been at this awhile, at least as far as I can guess from what we know of his timeline. But that doesn’t seem to mean he can’t handle the environment he puts himself through. Sure, he might have a terror complex when it comes to badgers. Really, villain leaders should have some sort of Irrational Fears Anonymous or something. Water. Bells. Badgers. Whatever. But when it comes down to it, after every other beast fails, Raga Bol is just going to go ahead and try and take care of the Big Problem himself, even if it means getting pummeled by his own side.There’s two obvious things to notice about Gabool. The first is that he’s the searatiest of all searats. The thick beard, earrings and general atmosphere all scream searat. The second is that he’s clearly not a young searat captain anymore. No one’s sure how old he really is, but it was awhile ago he beat down competitors and established himself the most prestigious abode of any searat in history. And there’s no way Terramort hasn’t seen a lot of seaweed grog-filled brawls, and that Gabool wasn’t participating in events equivalent to those before he arrived anywhere near kingship. This is a searat that clawed and beat his way up. Gabool has multilayered usefulness though, as he is one of the few who can be said to value loyalty, even if in a contracted, informal, and still sneaky-stabby manner. And with all the nonsense he’s been through, not only could Gabool handle himself in a bar fight, he probably should have a bar fight. If you can get Gabool on your side, and the opposition has no bells, you’ve got yourself a mad, down and tried, determined and raving friend who knows how to fight like Hellgates is knocking. Have Gabool on your side in a bar fight. Get anyone injured behind him while you’re at it.The real lesson from all of this? The answer is Plugg Firetail. Have Plugg Firetail on your side, obvs.