TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders, arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn’t dare to spread during church. “As far as I can tell, this coronavirus is an upstanding and righteous disease that knows better than to continue its deadly outbreak within a house of God,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said in a statement later echoed by Govs. Bill Lee of Tennessee, Greg Abbott of Texas, and Tate Reeves of Mississippi. “If we were talking about some sort of secular, atheistic virus, churchgoers might have cause for worry. But I believe in my heart this highly communicable pathogen will show respect during services and not do anything to harm the Lord’s flock on our day of rest. Now, what the virus does to the wicked, sinful people in our community—that’s between it and God.” At press time, sources confirmed Southern governors had taken steps to ensure all mosques would be closed indefinitely.

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