A. USAG leadership whatevers

My case of USAG news fatigue syndrome is overwhelming. Anyway.

This week, Karen Golz “completed her service” as the chair of USAG’s board. Oh THANK you for your SERVICE, you American hero. Save your applause for the end!

She has been replaced by basically the same person, I think. The new chair is named Golfy Brand-Management, and she’s really into golfing and brand management. So we’re cured. Is there just a secret cabal of golf-business ladies that meets around the ninth green to Macbeth it up and give each other positions in the US Olympic movement?

Her introductory message is hilarious. Definitely read it. Best parts:

-“Some” challenges (yeah, I can think of a few)

-That tacked-on part about survivors that was obviously added after the first edit (nothing says “I care about this sentence” like starting with a conjunction—the resentment is thick like molasses)

-The reference to athletes finding success “both in the gym and in competition” (that’s not…those are…you meant “both in the gym and outside the gym” or something…)

-The exciting thing is that “we continue to maintain our membership.” Great. Hi, they barely have a choice, and that shouldn’t be the most exciting thing.

It’s all just so effing revealing.

USAG is also on the hunt for a new CEO, you guys. You know, that plum gig. Because everything’s fine. The board undertook an exhaustive search for the qualities that a new CEO should possess and the list is basically 1) proficiency in Microsoft Office and 2) a good attitude. When your list of qualities for CEO reads like a resume of nonspecific, uncheckable lies you wrote for a job you’re totally unqualified for, it’s a problem.

When it comes down to it, the sole qualification will be “actually wants to captain this sinking ship through a bankruptcy process.” And the winner is no one.

Oh. Also. Fun little note. USAG has decided not to acquiesce to decertification (because it’s about the gymnasts…) and will instead fight the process. That means that the USOC and USAG are continuing to have this horrendously public breakup on the quad as the USOC pursues stripping USAG of its national governing body status.

I live for the USOC playing out this little skit of “we can’t believe that USAG is so awful and we have to step in for the good of the athletes” like that’s something the USOC suddenly cares about—and like they’re not totally intertwined in responsibility and consequences.

B. You’re all the worst

Scott Reid has the juicy parts of the depositions in Aly’s lawsuit, in which we continue to learn that everyone is a disaster. Basically, Rhonda is saying in her deposition that Steve Penny did order Amy White to remove the documents from the ranch, that she was assisted by Gary Warren in doing so, and that White delivered the documents to Penny. AH DOOOOOYYYYY. So there it is. Sorry, Steve-o.

Well, Kelli Hill did tell us it was silly to be scared to ask for things at the ranch because Gary was there to get anything you needed. Soap…medical records…evidence…

Rhonda also says that when she learned about this, she told Kerry Perry. Kerry’s response?

“She said oh, that’s not good,” Faehn recalled.

LOL. Kerry, always on the ball. She studied Abraham Lincoln, you know…

C. Consequences

Lou Anna Simon, the former president of MSU, has been charged with lying to police bout the 2014 Title IX investigation of That Guy and could face up to four years in prison. We’re continuing to learn that the bad-faith actors in this are…basically everyone.

Remember that time it took Simon like 16 tries to figure out how to work a microphone in front of Congress? That’s not why she had to be arraigned in court last week, but it basically should have been. I still can’t stop thinking about it.

In other news, Alex Naddour has been removed from the suspended list and says that he has been cleared by Safesport. ……? You hope that decision is based on justice and reality, but we have no way of knowing and are too experienced now simply to trust the process when it involves the USOC and USAG…or anyone…doing anything.

D. Now the fun stuff

It’s NCAA preseason showcase month! And you can watch some of them!

Sunday, December 2

2:00 ET/11:00 PT – Michigan Exhibition v. CMU, EMU, WMU – Live Stream

Friday, December 7

9:00 ET/6:00 PT – Utah’s Red Rocks Preview – Pac-12 Network

Sunday, December 9

5:00 ET/2:00 PT – UCLA’s Meet the Bruins – Pac-12 Network

Monday, December 10

7:30 ET/4:30 PT – LSU’s Gymnastics 101 – SEC+

Plenty of other teams have non-broadcast showcases, so you can check out their team schedules if you live close by and want to…like…go…to a place…in public…or something horrifying like that.

I have the roster notes up, and will continue adding to them in the coming days as well as adjusting them once someone shows up in preseason videos with a magic beam routine she never had before.

E. Gymcastic

We were off this week, but if you missed our recap of that infamous 2002 CNN Parkettes documentary, give it a listen. We have some thoughts.