Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ and Santa Claus

A look at what these three famous icons have in common.

The only thing we know for sure is that Joseph Smith was born December 23, 1805 in Sharon, Windsor County, Vermont. Click here for A Mormon style series of Christmas newsletters and updates written by SusieQ#1 about Lois, Lamar, LaRue, Lamar Jr. Loretta and their three dogs: The Three Nephites.

Joseph Smith Nativity Scene at Brigham Young University - December 2005

The bi-centennial celebration of the birth of Joseph Smith - December 23, 1805 prompted Mormons to worship their founder in pretentious, preposterous and Provoan proportions.

"Joseph Smith holds the keys of this last dispensation, and is now engaged behind the vail in the great work of the last days. No man or woman in this dispensation will ever enter into the Celestial Kingdom of God without the consent of Joseph Smith." - Brigham Young - October 9, 1859 - Journal of Discourses Vol. 7 pg. 289

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Deseret Book Customer Comments Like Brother Gollum, I bear my testimony that Jesus is my one and only true Lord of the Ring! - Sister Sapp, Provo 376th Ward If this cute little Gollum comes from Kolob, then I want to hie there right after my resurrection. - Brother P. Wee Herman, Bountiful Recommend Ridge 1st Ward When will Brother Gollum's inspirational art work appear in the Visitor's center at Temple Square? I think it should replace the mural behind the Christus. - Brother Greg Picaso Olsen - Springville Utah Museum Ward I heard Sheri Dew and Gollum are dating and co-speaking at firesides all around the Church. I hope they will soon be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake Temple. - Marie Osmond - Branson Missouri Branch If even Gollum can be forgiven, then maybe there is hope for someone as lowly as myself. - Brother Boyd and my little factory - Forrest Bendover Now Ward

Smithmas Time Is Here By Golly

12/02/2009 - by flattop

Smithmas time is here by golly,

Thoughts of Jayzus would be folly!

Watch out for the plastic holly

And unspiked eggnog...again...

Look! Way down on Temple Square there's

Mormons bleating Smith-fanfares!

Refuge may be had somewheres...

But in Salt Lake, go with the grain.

"Hark! The Des'ret News doth sing,

Aren't these marv'lous, wondrous things?"

"God rest ye merry Mormons,

May you baptize more today."

"Angels we can see on high

Blow their horns, your patience try."

Now, Joey Smith, he was an urchin,

And Miz Lucy warn't no virgin.

And tho' our Bishop"s a brain surgeon

Reason sits in back...again.

Quick! Pack up baby and her dolly-

We'll go out and be Mor-jolly!

Instead of getting cross and brawly:

"When in Ute, make like a Mormon!!"

So This Is Smithmas

12/02/2009 - by Elder Berry

So this is Smithmas

And what have you paid

Another settlement over

And a new income to be made

And so this is Smithmas

I hope you have funds

The year's football nearly done

For the University of Young

A very merry Smithmas

And don't drink any beer

Let's pray over a good meal

Without alcoholic cheer

And so this is Smithmas

Full of primary songs

For church and their little ones

The world is so wrong

And so happy Smithmas

For cursed and for delightsome

For Laman and Lemuel ones

Let's make them all whites

A very merry Smithmas

And more goals for a New Year

Let's find us some contacts

Without many weirdos

And so this is Smithmas

And we lack so much tact

A year of more temples

And a new one just begun

Ans so this is Smithmas

I hope temple work is done

For nearly dead ones

The old and retired ones

A very merry Smithmas

Have a Mormon New Year

Let's make it a righteous one

Without anything clear

War in heaven isn't over

If you want it

War in heaven isn't over

Now and forever

Dreaming Of A White Smithmas

12/02/2009 - by Wine Country Girl

I'm dreaming of a white Smithmas

Just like the ones I used to hate

Where the Mormons gather

to hear each other blather

About who's gay or bi or straight.

Twas The Night Before Smithmas

12/02/2009 - by elee

'Twas the night before Smithmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was tithing, not even a mouse;

The recommends were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that the Bishop would actually care;

The Sunbeams were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Sacred Groves danced in their heads;

And mamma in her Garments, and I in my baker's cap,

Had just settled down for a pre tithing settlement nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a large minivan, and eight tiny "volunteers",

With a black suit-wearing driver, so resign-ed and thick,

I knew in a moment it must be The Bishopric.

More rapid than cumoms his Elders they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Spencer! now, Tanner! now, Brigham and Monson!

On, Sterling! On Nephi! on, Talmadge and Huntsman!

To the top of the steps! And on to the door!

Now pester them! Pester them! Pester them all!"

As dry Wonderbread that before the Congregation does fly,

When they meet with an objection, scream "anti' to the sky,

So up to the house-top the Elders they flew,

With the sleigh full of Shame, and The Bishopric too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each cheaply shod foot.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney The Bishopric came with a bound.

They were dressed all in black, from their heads to their feet,

And their clothes were all tarnished with Cheerios and defeat;

A bundle of tithing receipts he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a scheister just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they scorned me! his smile most unfriendly!

His sneer like a wolf, his words meant to shame me!

His tight little mouth was drawn up like a sphincter,

I could tell just by looking, he weren't no drinker;

The end of a pen he clenched tight in his fist,

And his knuckles encircled it like a man with a beef;

He had a fat face and a "too much Jell-O" belly,

That shook, when he seethed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, all full of himself,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A glare from his eyes and a twist of his pen,

Soon clued me in that I had much still to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Perused all the records; then turned with a jerk,

And raising his arm, up high, to the square,

And jerking his head, he loudly declared;

You're apostate! You're evil! But we'll still take your money.

Pay it up soon, or we'll brainwash your Honey.

That being said, he turned like a jerk,

And giving his posse the "Pay Lay Ale" yelp

Away they all waddled, like self-righteous whelps.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he lurched out of sight

Happy Smithmas to all and to all a good-night!

12th Day Of Smithmas

12/02/2009 - by Heresy

On the 12th day of xmas, my true church sent to me (to summarize 2009)

12 mishies posing

11 apostles cuzz one died this year

10 years for Jessop

9 comics jabbing

8 properties developing

7 erroneous dead dunks

6 geography theories

5 states gay rights

4 boring nephis

3 billion dollars

2 gays arrested

and a handbook on a web site

Marijuana Christmas

12/02/2009 - by Don Bagley

Have a marijuana Christmas

It's the best high of the year

I don't know that there"ll be blow

But have a cup of beer

Have a psylocibin Christmas

And hallucinate this cheer:

All we wanted was a marijuana Christmas

This year!

All Through All The Strife

12/02/2009 - by Andrew Dice Clay

Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through all the strife

Joseph Smith was screwing Santa's own wife.

Deck His Balls

12/02/2009 - by jacyn

Deck his balls

With blows a' many

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Emma caught him

Doing Fanny

Fa la la la la la la la la!

'Tis a boon he favors beauty

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Otherwise he'd have done Heber

Fa la la la la la la la la!

You're A Mean One, Brother Smith (for all you Grinch fans out there)

12/02/2009 - by elee

You're a liar, Brother Smith.

You really are a fraud.

You're as cuddly as a peep stone,

You're as charming as your God.

Brother Smith.

You're a bad banana

With a greasy black peel.

You're a shyster, Brother Smith.

Your mouth's a lying hole.

Your brain is full of made up shit,

You've got lust down in your soul.

Brother Smith.

I wouldn't touch you, with a

thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.

You're a hustler, Brother Smith.

You have falsehoods in your heart.

You have angels wielding flaming swords

That helps you to get laid

Brother Smith.

Given the choice between the two of you

I'd take the Flaming Sword.

You're a humbug, Brother Smith.

You're a flea bitten curelom.

Your heart is full of malice

Your soul is full of lint.

Brother Smith.

The three words that best describe you,

are, and I quote: "Lie. Cheat. Con."

You're a huckster, Brother Smith.

You're the king of credulous sots.

Your heart is used for scheming

And your mind is full of dross,

Brother Smith.

Your soul is an appalling dung heap overflowing

with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable

rubbish imaginable,

Moroni'd up in Nephi'd up knots.

You nauseate me, Brother Smith.

With your lies and perjury.

You're a twisted ego monster

And you care for nobody

Brother Smith.

You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool sandwich

With arsenic sauce.

Away In A Horse Barn

12/02/2009 - by Gazelem

This song for the faithful commemorates the institution of that most holy practice

(to the tune of Away in a Manger)

Away in a horse barn, the prophet doth sleep

with one little Annie, doth she protest or weep?

'Twas commanded by angels, this most holy lay,

Th'obedient Joseph, rollin' in the hay.

The iniquous are lowing, and the poor prophet wakes

to the sound of a lynch mob, his genitals to take

he's tarred and he's feathered, but his priesthood remains,

To bless young and old, and to seal his great fame.

"Be near me, Oh Prophet, I ask thee to stay

Close by me forever and love me I pray!"

Sorry, babe, but I must do as the angel commands,

and take again to me, another tender hand.

We Need A Little Smithmas

12/02/2009 - by jacyn

Haul out Melissa

Say "I do!" before my libido falls again.

Line up Louisa,

I may be rushing things, but get the girls again now.

For we need a little Smithmas (wink wink)

Right this very minute,

Emma's at the barn door,

Fanny's gonna get it.

Yes, we need a little Smithmas (wink wink)

Right this very minute.

There's a warrant and a jury,

So Eliza, dear, we're in a hurry;

Oh climb up the chimney;

Emma's coming quickly down the street.

Some call me a fruitcake,

Just because I read Reformed Egyptian and papyri.

For I've grown a little horny,

Grown a little crazy,

Grown a little slimy,

Grown a little weenie,

And I see an angry angel

Waving flaming steel,

Need a little Smithmas now.

We Three Witnesses

12/04/2016 - by BYU Boner

We Three Witnesses from New England are,

Bearing testimony and wife-sharing afar.

Whoring, Hounding, Westward bounding,

Following yonder cult...Oh......

Cult of wonder, cult of weird,

Cult of handshakes, cult with seers,

Right-wing leading, members bleeding,

Guide us to, the perfect weird!

Joseph Smith's Second Vision

04/09/2009 - by Flat Lander of www.moronchurch.com

Joseph Smith, the founder of the Latter Day Saint Movement (who was widely known for telling lies, digging for buried treasure, and making up fanciful stories), received visits from supernatural beings, that is a matter of confirmed fact among Morons world wide. Among his most well-known visitations were the so-called "First Vision" when he was visited by deity, and multiple visits by the angel Moron I. Less well known is the story of Joe's "Second Vision." This vision has never been disproved and in fact, has the exact same probability of being true as the "First Vision." Nonetheless, most churches of the Latter Day Saint movement, (namely the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, among others) act as if the Second Vision never even took place.

Below is the story of the Second Vision, and much like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints's canonized version of the First Vision, the story is written by someone other than Joseph Smith, but written as if Joseph himself actually said these things.

I retired to the woods to get out of working with my father and brothers on the farm. And after I had retired to the place I had earlier found, I looked around to make sure I was alone, so I could sleep the day away in peace and quiet in the cool grass of that cloudy morning. Just as I was about to drift into peaceful slumber, the freaking cloud moved, and I saw a pillar of light directly above me, that was bright as heckÑI mean really pretty dang bright. The light was coming down in my eyes, preventing me from getting to sleep, so I turned over on my side, and I beheld two personages,

the first was dressed all in red,

from his toe to his head.

And he turned to the other and said.

"This is the beloved Easter Bunny

And although you may find it funny,

Listen to him now, or wind up dead.

Quickly I got possession of myself and was able to speak. I asked the personages which holidays are the best ones for getting candy. I was answered that I must observe all of them for they are all correct, and the Bunny who addressed me said they were all delightful in his sight. And the Bunny told me many other things which I cannot write, and I began to think he was just rambling on, stalling for time when appeared from behind a tree a third personage. And the fat guy with the big white beard in the red suit said, "Ok, Bunny, knock it off." Then

The jolly old elf then gave me a sly wink

And said, "Here's someone else, I think

to whom you should listen and heed,

for he has wisdom you desperately need.

Eat your vegetables, your fruits and your dairy

And obey the teachings of Mr. Tooth Fairy.

And then the Tooth Fairy talked for about 15 minutes on the importance of good dental habits and hygiene, stressing moderation in sweets, daily brushing and flossing, and finishing up with a PowerPoint presentation on how to avoid gum disease.

After the meeting, we all went our separate ways, and there was much excitement in the neighborhood as I related the story to all who would listen, but the local barbers, doctors, dentists, and computer geeks treated my communication very lightly, and a great persecution did increase and excite the public mind against me. They scoffed at my miraculous story, and claimed PowerPoint hadn't even been invented yet, but it was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision.

And although some members of the Latter Day Saint movement may continue to scoff, the official position of the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints is that the Second Vision is as much a factual account of a supernatural visit to the boy prophet as the First Vision.

Let's All Tell Stories Of Smithmas Past

02/04/2009 - by lol and others from Recovery from Mormonism

One year, Smithmas landed on a Sunday. Most churches use that opportunity to have a Christmas Pagent or preach a sermon about the Birth of Jesus. Not us.

Our whole ward was ordered to hold birthday parties for our beloved Prophet Joseph Smith. I was doing Primary that year, so I made a large batch of both Green and Red Jello with mini marshmellows and cut them into squares. Some of the other parents were kind enough to help out and brought store bought cookies and cupcakes. We even had some apple juice to drink instead of water that year.

I remember being so pleased at what a wonderful miracle it was that everybody chipped in to celebrate our Prophet.

I gag at it now, but I was a brainwashed Molly Mo and didn't know anybetter.

I have a neverMo friend who always loved hearing Sneaky Joe Smith stories by flattopSF

so one year for Smithmas (even though we didn't call it that back then) She made me a special plate of Smithmas cookies for me: if you take that cookie cut-out that's shaped like a candle in a ring-holder and alter it juuuuuuust a little bit (don't cut thte hole out in the ring), you can decorate it with chocolate icing on the holder part and pink icing where the flame is supposed to be and voilˆ: Joseph Smith Penis Cookies!

She assured me the girls would eat 'em up!

Ward parties back in the 50s were so cool by Shummy

Once the prayers and Jesus stories were out of the way, it was time to sing Up on the Housetop and ho ho ho who wouldn't go?

It always took at least 3 or 4 Santa songs to coax the fat old man into the hall.

Our ward had a pretty decent Santa suit that got used each Christmas. At first I thought that was so cool that Santa stopped by our tiny chapel out in the boondocks. Years after I wised up I still couldn't ever figure out who was playing Santa even though we had a rather small ward.

Methinks there was a local nomo who was willing to play it up for the Mormon kiddies once a year.

Thank Gawd I was born back then and got a taste of something warm and wonderous. Yummy tasty real food was actually cooked in the ward kitchen. People cared. I can't imagine growing up in the sterile mindfuck of today.

A church that claims to be for Jesus by Seth

As a newly freed Exmo, I want to say how great I think this website is. I've been lurking here for months reading and reading all the info I could on the church.

A Baptist co-worker of mine told me to look up the truth about mormonism online and one of the links in one of the websites led me here.

I am still sort of shell shocked by all the lies I've been told. You know in all the years I was a Mormon, I never realized that for a church that claims to be for Jesus, we hardly ever spoke about him. The heading of this post sort of shocked me. You're right, we do celebrate or talk about Joseph Smith more than Jesus, even at Christmas.

I'm thankfull for everyone who made this site possible.

Who can possibly forget - by Undercover Anon

That "nativity" scene at BYU they made a few years ago to honor JS's 200th birthday or something? It was supposed to look like the Smith's cabin, with baby Joseph's cradle, wasn't it?

I remember that first Christmas Sunday, that was hijacked for Smithmas - by forestpal

I was in the Primary presidency, and up until that Sunday, the ward had always written its own Children's Christmas program. Suddenly, we got this thick standardized manual with scripts for talks and even the music for the songs--and it was all about Joseph Smith and not Christ. Christmas Day would not be about Christ! I always played the piano for the program, but I refused in advance, and got someone else to rehearse. I lied and said I was going out of town--and so were my children. I was so crushed that my own religion had turned its back on Jesus. I didn't play the organ that Christmas day, either, because the same Christmas manual had dictated what hymns the congregation was going to sing--not one Christmas carol!

We didn't go on any trip, stayed home and enjoyed our Christmas Morning. my ex-Mormon husband and be a family in Christ. Later, my husband became a Christian with us.

It was better to have no church at all on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas day, than to be forced to worship Joseph Smith on those sacred days. We started a life-long family tradition of going to the midnight candlelight service at the Methodist church every Christmas Eve.

With the help and humor on this board, I think we're going to get through Christmas just fine, people! >^..^<

Today was a stressful day for me, and I actually had fun on this board! I love you guys!

Lamanite-themed Christmas

02/04/2009 - by Gorspel Dacktrin

So at the Dacktrin home, we've decided to make this a special Lamanite-themed Christmas. We're wishing Christmas cheer to all the Lamanite children who remain lost this year. We pray to Heavenly Father that Santa will bother to do extra shifts this Christmas 'stead of drinking beer.

This should be the year that he finally finds a real Lamanite child--even if the child is in the wild. We know the LDS Church can't tell him where to look, but still he should go to every nook along the way to find that child with the right DNA....

[Cue music--the melody of Jingle Bells]

Dashing through the snow

A tapir-pulled Chevrolet

O'er the land we go

Retching all the way

Blossom like a rose

Once made spirits bright

But now the laughter has all froze

We can't find the Lamanites

Ooohh!

Lamanites

Lamanites

Santa's on his way

Packer knows not where you are

And Monson is dismayed

Hey!

Lamanites

Lamanites

For years you were we thought

Polynesians and Navajos

Cuz that's what we wuz taught

Hey!

Lamanites

Lamanites

The fakers had us fooled

They didn't have the DNA

But the Church paid to have them schooled

Hey!

Lamanites

Lamanites

We know we'll see delight

When we find you and baptize you

You'll go from brown to beige to white!



Hey!

Twas the Night Before Visions: A Visit from God and Jesus - In the style of Clement C. Moore

02/04/2009 - by Eloher

'Twas the night before Joseph would see visions of God

And come up with a plan; a large religious fraud.

He'd talked to the ministers and church folk with care

And saw visions of fortune that could be had there;

The simple folk wanted guidance, their souls to be fed,

And Joe cooked up a plan; face in hat, not on head;

He knew Bible passages, forward and back

nothing was stopping him from being a religious hack.

So he thought up a story, he thought it up quick;

A very large whopper since Joe was quite slick.

He told of kneeling down in the forest in prayer

what happened next depends on the version you hear.

He knelt down and asked if there was a God,

Saw angels and Jesus and that was quite odd.

Or he asked God to tell him which church is true

Which version to believe? There are quite a few.

Then Joseph struggled as darkness crept in

Satan tried to overtake him, the father of sin.

Then what to his wondering eye did appear

That's when God and Jesus made their premier.

They whistled and shouted and called him by name

Joseph was scared at first, or so he would claim.

In a pillar of light, brighter than noon-day sun

They said of all churches, he should join none.

This is the version that the Mormons do teach

When they knock on your door, trying to preach.

This crazy story based on hallucinations at best

is what led thousands of Mormons to settle the West.

And of reality, all Mormons lose sight,

Happy visions to all, and to all a good night!

A Night Watching Cable

01/22/2009 - by Munchybotaz

‘Twas a night watching cable, and on my TV

there was violence, strong language, and brief nudity.

The feminist pornos were stacked on the desk near a fern

in hopes that my husband would watch them and learn.

The children were out getting drunk with their friends,

having sex, smoking pot, stealing somebody’s Benz ...

My hubby and I had long since settled down

with our respective memories of sleeping around.

When out on the porch was some noise or another—

I opened the door ... holy crap, it’s my mother!

She said, “I’ve come visiting teaching, my dear.

You’re dressed kind of trashy, and dump out that beer!

“You haven’t been paying the prophet his portion

and, I suspect, you’ve had an abortion.

The kids you have—why, they’re promiscuous thugs!

Your father and I aren’t surprised you’re on drugs.

“Sister Smith here and I have come to your door

to explain to you how to be less of a whore.

So if you’d be so kind as to cover your bum,

stop swearing, and hide that huge bottle of rum ...”

Before I could answer, they pushed their way in

Sat down in my chairs, said a prayer to begin.

Dear Hubby slipped out to go chat up some slut,

look at porn, play nude FreeCell, or I don’t know what.

“Our message tonight is about modest clothing

and how it can keep us from sin and self-loathing.”

They went on and on about garments and bras

And cleavage, and skirt lengths, and blah blah blah blah ...

The ladies were tireless; their lesson, so boring!

It was all I could do to keep from snoring.

I knew that my man would be online all night—

if I didn’t do something, they’d stay ‘til first light.

It seemed way too rude to get up and say, “See ya!”

But then, in a twinkling, I had an idea.

So, lively and quickly, I rose from my spot—

“Would you like some coffee? I’ll go make a pot!”

They were up in a flash, as if I’d had a bomb.

It’s somewhat depressing to think that’s my mom.

But I heard her exclaim as they left in a blur,

“What on earth made you think I’m related to her?!”

"Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith Rot" (sung to "Jingle Bell Rock")

12/21/2008 - by Emma Smith

Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith rot,

The plural wife swing got Joseph Smith shot,

Lyin' and whorin' put him on the run,

Then the Carthage mob stopped his fun.

Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith rot,

Polygamy meant Joe deserved what he got,

Romancin' and chancin’ that he’d be laid bare,

In no underwear!

Day or nightime was the right time

To hump the girls and say:

“Flaming sword time, go to hell time,

“If you don't do godly sex my way.”

Time was up, Joseph Smith, end of the creep,

Nothin' left on the clock,

No more a-tingle in his two-timin’ feet,

Good-bye, Joseph Smith,

No more Joseph’s Myth,

Here lies Joseph Smith, ROT!

Briggy Got Run Over By A Gentile (tune: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer)

12/21/2008 - by flattopSF

Briggy got run over by a Gentile,

At the Beehive House on Smithmas Eve!

Now you can say there's no such thing as Danites,

But what's that Gentile guy got up his sleeve?

Brig was drinking too much "grape juice,"

And a couple wives thought he should go.

He forgot his place and wife twenty-three

Shoved him out the door into the snow.

When they found him Smithmas Morning,

Face-down in the carriage-track,

He had a crucifix clutched in his left hand

And a Douai Bible on his back!

Now, here in Salt Lake gossip travels

Faster than greased lighnin' outta Hell!

See them gatherin' on the corner,

This juicy story to the Saints

They're gonna tell!

It ain't Smithmas without Briggy—

All his wives are feeling slack—

Though they just can't help but wonder:

"Should we change the locks now, or...

Let him come back?"

So, the goose is in the doghouse

And the turkey's in the fire

And Fat Briggy's fifty-six wives

Of his antics as The Boss

Begin to tire.

They've warned all the

Saints and GA's,

Better disbelieve the myth:

We should never trust a bottle

To a guy who talks to God

And worships Smith!

I'm Dreaming of a White and Delightsome Christmas

12/21/2008 - by Brigham Young

Just like the ones I used to know,

Where I won't listen

To Blacks who are missin'

From heav'n, where none of them can go.

I'm dreaming of a White and Delightsome Christmas,

With every "prophesy" I write,

May the righteous forever be White,

And too bad for brown-skinned Lamanites.

The Twelve Days Of Smithmas

12/17/2008 - by Primus

On the first day of Smithtmas,

my tbm love sent to me

A Patriarchial Blessing

On the second day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the third day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the fourth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the fifth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Five golden bibles,

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the sixth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Six geezers hands a-laying,

Five golden bibles,

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the seventh day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Seven warnings against a-swimming,

Six geezers hands a-laying

Five golden bibles,

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the eighth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Eight Mia-maids a sleeping

Seven warnings against a-swimming,

Six geezers hands a-laying

Five golden bibles

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the ninth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Nine ladies subordinating,

Eight Mia-maids a sleeping

Seven warnings against a-swimming,

Six geezers hands a-laying

Five golden bibles

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the tenth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Ten Brethren Kissing Butt,

Nine ladies subordinating,

Eight Mia-maids a sleeping

Seven warnings against a-swimming,

Six geezers hands a-laying

Five golden bibles

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the eleventh day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Eleven Bishops a guilt-tripping

Ten Brethren Kissing Butt,

Nine ladies subordinating,

Eight Mia-maids a sleeping

Seven warnings against a-swimming,

Six geezers hands a-laying

Five golden bibles

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the twelfth day of Smithtmas

my tbm love sent to me

Twelve Apostles monotoning,

Eleven Bishops a guilt-tripping

Ten Brethren Kissing Butt,

Nine ladies subordinating,

Eight Mia-maids a sleeping

Seven warnings against a-swimming,

Six geezers hands a-laying

Five golden bibles

Four IMPORTANT Callings,

The Three Nephites,

Two tracting Elders,

And A Patriarchial Blessing!

Evidence Trending In Frosty's Direction, FARMS Says

12/16/2008 - by substrate

Researchers for the Foundation for Arctic, Reindeer, and Magical Snowmen say that, despite the claims of skeptics, more and more evidence supports the belief that Frosty the Snowman really did come to life that day. Food Sciences professor and FARMS president Daniel Midgley-Welch summarized discoveries in 2008 as "very promising and encouraging, indeed. For more than half a century," Midgley-Welch said, "scoffers have ridiculed the idea of a living, breathing snowman, but these days, there's just too much evidence for anyone, except the hardcore anti-Snowmen and ex-snows, to ignore."

Midgley-Welch explained that the best evidence for the reality of Frosty is the warm feeling children everywhere get when they sing "bumpety-bump-bump" and think of the "jolly, happy soul" frolicking in the winter snow. But no longer must believers rely solely on their own personal knowledge of the Snowman.

"First of all, the production of the text is miraculous in and of itself. After the success of 1949's 'Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,' writers Jack Nelson and Steve Rollins had only months to write, produce, and record the song for the upcoming 1950 Christmas season. There's no way two ordinary mortals could have accomplished that without some kind of divine intervention."

"But perhaps the strongest evidence of divinity is the text itself," said Russell Thwetwipes, professor of Greek History. "Our first clue is the use of very specific items in the construction of the snowman itself."

Several things stand out initially as anachronistic to 1950. Corncob pipes, silk hats, and coal had all been supplanted by cigarettes, fedoras (which were on their way out), and central heating. The use of these items suggests a deeper rooting in the past, which would be unusual for popular writers of the 1950s. But the images seem to have been chosen with care. A corncob situates the story in the Americas, which squares nicely with the use of the word "cop" to refer to a policeman (how could Nelson and Rollins have scored such a bullseye?). The coal for the eyes suggests the Biblical idea of coal as burning fire and life being breathed into mortals (see Ezek. 1:13). And of course, the old silk hat has reference to the ancient practice of using seerstones to connect with the divine. Indeed, the text specifically places the "magic" (which here may refer more to spiritual power) in the hat itself.

The text also anticipates skepticism. "Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say" speaks to the song's prophetic nature. The writers (Thwetwipes prefers "transcribers") expected that their claims would be ridiculed, and indeed they have. "Once you have heard 'Frosty the Snowman,' you are no longer on neutral ground," said Midgley-welch.

Expecting a poor reception in an increasingly godless world, the transcribers made sure that there were witnesses to the miraculous event. We are told that the children "know" that he really did live and breathe. Their testimony is clear and specific: "Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be, and the children say he could laugh qnd play just the same as you and me." There is no equivocation, no hesitation in the testimony. "We aren't sure how many children there were, but the use of the plural indicates more than one," said Thwetwipes. "And none of them ever denied their testimony. They had plenty of opportunity to deny what they had seen and expose the fraud, if there had been one. But they remained faithful to the end of their lives."

Forthcoming research will explore the relationship between the broom Frosty carried (perhaps symbolic of a sceptre?) and the ritual dance he performed. "This dovetails rather nicely with what we know about Egyptian kingship rites," Midgley-Welch asserted. "And we are aggressively researching the etymology of those two strange phrases, 'thumpety, thump-thump' and 'bumpety, bump-bump.' We expect to release our findings in a forthcoming edition of the "Journal of Elf, Easter bunny, Reindeer, and Snowmen."

Asked of skeptics' claims of a lost Gene Autry manuscript, Midgley-Welch was dismissive. "That's been floating around for years, and so far we have nothing but a few unfounded word-print studies. I'm confident that Rollins and Nelson will be vindicated in the end."

All I Want For Smithmus Is A Few More Wives, A Few More Wives, Please A Few More Wives"

12/15/2008 - by Joseph Smith

All I want for Smithmus

is a few more wives,

a few more wives,

Please, a few more wives!

Jesus, won't you give me

just a few more wives,

then I could thank you,

"They're delicious!"

It seems so long since I could say,

"Come here sister, sit here on my missile!"

Gosh, oh gee, how happy I'd be

If they'd come runnin' when I whistle!

All I want for Smithmus

is a few more wives,

a few more wives,

Please, a few more wives!

Jesus, if you'd give me

just a few more wives,

then I could tell them,

"Do my dishes!"

Finding a brief bit of freedom on Christmas Eve

12/15/2008 - by lightfingerlouie

I first flexed my wings of freedom on Christmas Eve in 1966. I still look back on it as a very liberating moment. I was in high school, and starting to think a little. Not a lot, but a little.

Christmas fell on a Sunday that year, and my family decided to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. We had our dinner, and opened the presents. It was a peaceful evening, and very enjoyable.

About 9:00, the phone rang. I went in the other room, and answered it. It was brother Jenson from the ward. He said "We need a speaker for sacrament meeting tomorrow, and I am calling to tell you we want you to give a talk."

It was Christmas Eve, 9:00 p.m., and he called demanding I whip up a talk for the next day. The sheer gall of it offended me. Then, it made me angry.

I said "You did not give me any notice, and I will not give the talk." He was furious, and persisted. I just said. "No, I will not give the talk." He hung up.

My mother, a true fanatic, would have exploded had she heard about what I had done. I spent the next day in some apprehension, expecting to be screamed at for saying "No." With my mother, you NEVER said "No."

Nothing else came of it. But I learned I could, indeed, tell these people "No." And it did them some good to hear it. They never thought about basic courtesy, or giving people notice. You were supposed to do what they told yo to do.

It was the first moment of liberation. I learned that my feelings mattered, and that even a high school kid should get some courtesy from time to time.

Carthage Jail Rock! (Tune: Jingle Bell Rock)

12/15/2008 - by Laughing

Carthage Jail, Carthage Jail, Carthage Jail Rock!

Turned myself in, but I'm sure that I'll walk!

I wrote for a lawyer, and sent for some wine;

Sing'n hymns and pass'n time!

Carthage Jail, What the hell, Smoke me a pipe;

Wine's kick'n in, and I'm feelin' alright!

We've got our pistols, there's nothing to fear;

Just wish you were here!

Asked the Legion, t'attack the Heathens;

And rescue us from here!

Dunham better, get the letter;

N'Give the order cause the time is near!

Giddy-Up, here they come, a'rescuin' me!

Oh, holy shit - THE MOB!

We shoot and they shoot, "O Lord My God..."

That's the Carthage Jail,

I've been hit with shells,

That's the Carthage Jail Rock!

Twas the Night Before Xmas

12/15/2008 - by Baura

"To Monson I said, 'the Pope? Now come on!

Doesn't he lead the whore of old Babylon?'

But Monson just smiled and said, "things are great,

since we pitched in together to pass that Prop 8."

"Now Monson was smiling and Benedict beaming,

'See how it works? Our plan of mainstreaming,

We're working together, things moving quite fast,

Since we both have a lot to cover up in our past.

"'We're both quite adept at twisting our history,

And Mormons rely more and more upon 'mystery'

His wafer's a flat version of our wonderbread,

And both of us threaten you after you're dead.

"'You see we're alike we've got guilt and confession,

And we try to stamp out many forms of expression,

So now all us Mormons can proudly exult!

We're just like the Catholics, we're not a cult!"

I'm Dreaming of a White and Delightsome Christmas

12/14/2008 - by Brigham Young

Just like the ones I used to know,

Where the Darkies listened

As we were dissin'

Black Cain, the seed of the Negro.

I'm dreaming of a White and Delightsome Christmas,

God says the Coloreds have not rights.

May their sins be ever their blight,

And the same for brown-skinned Lamanites.

Smithmus Carol: "Into Your House Pops Joseph's Claws"

12/14/2008 - by Emma Smith and Laughing

Into your house pops Joe Smith's claws,

Grabs your daughters and their maws,

In through your window with lots of toys,

Snare young girls for Joe 'n the Boys.

Ho, ho ho! Don’t let ‘em know!

Ho, ho, ho! God told him so!

Into your household, sick, sick, sick!

Under the sheets with Joe the Prick.

First comes the sword from Joe Smith’s Lord,

Flaming death if it’s ignored!

Word from the angel, full of lies:

Joe takes wives or Emma dies!

Ho, ho, ho! Don’t let ‘em know!

Ho, ho, ho! God told him so!

Into your household, sick, sick, sick!

Under the sheets with Joe the Prick.

Next comes the force against their will,

Sex from kids--Hush, you be still!

Put lots of young girls on their backs,

Scream Joe's name when you climax.

Ho, ho, ho! Don’t let ‘em know!

Ho, ho, ho! God told him so!

Into your household, sick, sick, sick!

Under the sheets with Joe the Prick

Off on a mission, you'll be sent,

You'll be pissed you ever went.

Joe'll steal your wife while you're away!

Next time you'll decide to stay.

Ho, ho, ho! Why did you go?!

Ho, ho, ho! You didn't know!

Joe'll steal your wife while you're away!

Spread'n his seed the live long day.

A Visit To Joe Smith's Mass - As Told By Mary Ann Angell Young

12/14/2008 - by flattopSF

'Twas the night before Smithmas, when from the hearthside

Not a Mormon did stray, not ev'n Orson Hyde;

Wet garments were hung by the fireplace with care,

With prayers that dry weather soon would be there;

Fresh-baptized young children lay snug in their beds,

While visions of cureloms danced in their heads;

And Brig in his nightcap, and I in my gown,

Were just pairing off ’neath a crisp eiderdown;

When from across the yard there arose such a noise

I fell out of bed and old Brig lost his poise!

Downstairs for my topcoat I flew with a dash

Ready to deliver some righteous tongue-lash.

The moon on my boobs was like new-fallen snow,

So I gathered my collar to cover the show;

When, what to my rheumy old eyes should appear,

But a glow from the Smith house, with racket so queer —

There was Joe out his window, yodeling lovesick,

What a ruckus he raised, so plaintive and mystic!

Like a flight of pigeons his wives to him came

As he hooted and hollered and called them by name:

“Ho Emma! Ho Fanny! Ho Zina! Almera!

Here Sarah! Here Martha! Hey Lucy! Elvira!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the hall!”

And in through the door they flocked: old, young, and all!

As crowds of Good Mormons before the wind fly,

When pursued by mobsters, and nary an ally;

So up to his bedroom those women they flew,

To a bed full of sex-toys and Joe Smith there too!

And then in a flash I heard through the ceiling

Grunting, and moaning, and even some squealing —

As I backed to the door to get out sans a sound,

Down the steps trotted Smith with his “Junior" unbound;

He was dressed not at all — from his head to his foot —

But a pipe in his mouth filled with magical toot!

I turned my eyes from where garments shoulda been

‘Cuz the vision I witnessed was surely obscene!

He said “How they spanked me!” His mood was so merry!

His cheeks red like roses, his chest was so hairy!

His fey little mouth was drawn up in a smirk,

And the gleam in his eye made him look like a jerk.

A small wooden paddle he held at the handy,

Signaled to me his intentions were randy.

He offered to take me and show me the ladies

Though I knew if I did I’d go straight to Hades.

He was hunky and strong, a right jolly old perv,

And I blushed as I watched him, for all my reserve;

A wink of his eye as he pinched on my pooter,

Soon gave me to know that I’d better scooter.

He said not a word but went to the kitchen

Grabbed up the Crisco™, his jollies to slicken,

And putting his hand up to tweak his physique

He sprang back upstairs like an Araby sheik.

He leaped to his bed, to his chicks gave some whistles

And on him they launched like ICBM missiles!

I heard him shout out, as I fled home through the night,

“Girls! There’s plenty for all — Ow! I told you, don't bite!”

Merry Smithmas! Ho', Ho', Ho'!

Brigham Young Horror Hygiene Stocking Stuffers

12/10/2008 - by confused and others

Mountain Meadows Mouthwash

Blood Atonement Bubblebath

Miscegenation Castration Hand Sanitizer - by Try this

Zina Douche Hygienic Jacobs Eradicator - by Postdumb

Convenient alibi hand-wipers - by Shummy

Multiple-wife wipes. ("Keep 'em clean, keep 'em clean!")

A Franklin-Covey Multiple Wives Planner ("Be with the one you are scheduled to be with")

Using Up kit ("For when people become obstacles. Contains enough material to ensure one defenestration, several poisonings and any number of murders by proxy with the Danite Ultimate upgrade!") - by Mat

Pop-up Condom dispenser, for the guy in a hurry to get to his next date. - by Twinker

"Oat of Vengence" oatmeal cookies. - by anon

Crotchless copulation pants for the polygamist on the move. - by IheartBY

Black Monogamy Manacles - for the special slaves in The Sexylustual Kingdom

Gift Certificate to Colonel Young's (Jr.) Chicken Choked fresh daily. Drive-in built larger to accommodate FLDS vans. - by Postdumb

Seed of Candy Cain - black and white peppermint candy canes flavored and savored by Gladys Knight.

Gingerbread Nauvoo House - Free samples of young virgins for Joseph Smith and the Quorum of the Twelve Elves - by cricket

Did Someone Suggest That There Is No Santa Claus?

03/26/2008 - by Insanad

Blasphemy!

Shame on you. You should repent and be go through a season of remorse and then come next October, to show your true devotion, purchase every kind of plastic Santa paraphanalia, even the stuff with lead paint and display them conspicuoulsy around your home, sing Santa songs and hold Santa Home Evenings till every fibre of your being resonates with Santeriffic Sanotas. If anyone tries to prove or show you that Santa doesn't exist, you should yell, "Get thee behind me Satan (don't transpose those letters) and expell them from your home, even if they're a beloved family member. Don't ever purchase or view anything that would suggest that Santa doesn't exist or that he's a figment of someones imagination or that he's a benevolent figure conjured up to reward goodness and punish percieved badness and frighten children to do our bidding.

Sing Santa songs whenever you have a bad thought come into your mind, especially if you're inclined to play with your little factory (or someone elses little factory). "Santa's coming down the chimney tonight" might lead you to play with your factory more so be careful which songs you focus on.

Make sure you display Santa art, only the ones approved by the Elves, prominantly on your walls and remove anything that doesn't reflect Santa and his good works. Read Santa stories, especially the sappy emotionally manipulative ones and make sure no one brings in a movie or watches any program that might show that he's not real or that he has sex with Mrs. Claus or that the elves are gay or that his long underwear is anything but comfortable and protective.

If any kids come to play with your kids and they suggest that there "Might not be a Santa", quickly hush them and expell them from your home. Make sure your kids are always "Busy" if the little buggers want to play and stop bringing casseroles to their sick mommy. In fact, pass a rumor around that they watch cable and non santa specific things in their home and that their dad doesn't even wear Santa underwear or suck on candy canes anymore.

If you meet anyone who is questioning whether there is a Santa, (a golden prospect) manipulate the questions so that the answer and outcome lead them to your very specific but general information that THERE IS A SANTA, and he loves them, and if them do what he wants (make sure you give them a Santa handbook) he will bless them. Then invite them to a Santa potluck and ply them with candycanes and hot chocolate and cookies. If they decline going to any more potlucks, ostracize them from the neighborhood and look away when they walk by.

Warn your children to stay away from any stores that don't prominantly display Santa in the window or that celebrate Kwanza or some other Pagean holiday. Make sure your Santa ring is worn at all times and that you consult your Santa discourses for every miniscule decision. Santa doesn't like non-believers and he won't bring you any presents if you disobey him.

The Mormon Nativity Scene: Its Members, Its Meaning and Its Mission

by Sourcerer illustrated by cricket - 12/23/2006

The scene is set, laid out on "the mantles far, far greater than the intellect" of Latter-day Saints throughout the world, as they celebrate the true reason for the Season.

The pieces are hereby explained, as to their sacred gospel symbolism:

The Sheep: Blind Mormon followers

The Shepherds: Mormon bishops, lording over their flocks by day and night

The Three Wise Men: Couldn't find any, so they settled for the First Presidency

The Star: Mitt Romney, who thinks he's a star

The Angels: the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, singing "Glory to Gordy in the Highest"

The Donkey: Mormon missionary jackasses

The Cow: Mormon tithepayers, milked for all they're worth

The Manger: A Marriott hotel, complete with in-room porno movies

The Mother, Mary: Mormon women, celebrated only for giving birth

The Father, Joseph: Well, he's not Jesus' real father, which means he's representative of Mormon men, who are too busy doing Church work to be real fathers

The Christ Child: Jesus Smith

_______________

more by JW the Inquizzinator

The "barn/cave" = a meeting house, complete with excrement on the floor, loud animal sounds, and food [hay] everywhere, cleaned (or not) by the occupants.

The "gifts" = gold as a symbol of the wealth accumulated through the tithes of the faithful (even if they are on food stamps or in bankruptcy), frankincense (an incense) to cover up the smells in the meetinghouse, and myrrh (an embalming oil) as it provides sufficient lubrication for tithing settlements.

The reason they came to Bethlehem -- tithing settlement of course and the holy sacrament meeting count (lest the brethren 'short sheet' the ward budget).

Emperor Augustus - Gordon B Hinckley.

Herod = Insert your favorite Stake President.

Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow...

(Tune: "Let it Snow" by Primus - 12/23/2006

Oh our Bank Account is frightful,

No, we can’t afford a bite full.

And the reason that this is so

Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!



Back when the Church wasn’t prospering

And the Creditors were Collecting

On a trip to St. George he’d Go

Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!



When we finally kiss goodnight,

It will be Outside in the Storm!

The space in the cars real tight!

But at least we stayed right with the Lord!



The tires are slowly flatning,

And, my dear, no Christmas buying,

But we won’t be burned by the Lord,

Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

Joe's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire

(Tune: "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" by Turnip - 12/23/2006)

Joe's nuts roasting on an open fire

Mob is nipping at his heels

Preparing a party of feathers and tar

though Joe is slippery as an eel



Angry husbands of the wives he screwed

Help to make the fire bright

Moms of the teenaged brides he deflowered

Will find it hard to sleep tonight



They know that justice is on the way

The ones he bilked want Joe to pay

Everyone he lied to now will spy

To see if Joe in the tar will really fry



And so we're offering this simple prayer

For every Exmo who sees true

Drink all you can, smoke cigars like The Man

Merry Smithmas



To You!

Away In An Attic (a Smithmas carol about young Joe's First Vision, er, Dream)

(Tune: "Away In A Manger" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006)

Away in an attic, no room for his head,

The con artist Joseph lay down in his bed.

A glow in the corner his slumber did break

Moroni the Angel appeared and then spake:



"God told me to tell you: you're such a Good Boy,

That He's gonna make you His modern Viceroy."

Joe quivered, he quavered, he shook like a reed,

He rubbed his eyes open, his chonies he peed.



The angel departed, Joe sat up in bed,

A beam in the rooftop did smack his soft head!

The birdies they twittered, the stars they did spin,

"I'm gonna be RICH!" said our country bumpkin.



His Mommy believed all the stories he told,

His Daddy did marvel — his lies were so bold!

The power he'd dreamed of he soon would possess;

Of riches and fame he began to obsess.



Joe walked through the forest, a hill for to find

A plot was unfolding in his scheming mind.

"Some Gold Plates I'll get me…a treasure of old…

A vision of God, and a church…" he extolled.



Joe fell to his knees, for a vision did pray:

Dead silence responded. Joe said: "what the hay?

I'll claim I saw God, who's to say that I din't?

Folks always believe what they read in newsprint!"



I ask thee, dear reader, what say you to this?

A shyster, a grifter, whose product is bliss?!?

Don't buy it, says I, for in jail he should be —

That little brat Joe and his fake history!

I'm Dreaming of a White and Delightsome Christmas

(Tune: "'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas'" by Primus - 12/23/2006)

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas

Just like the ones Young used to know

Where the Girls Tops glisten,

and children Hasten

To hear Lorenzo Snow



I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas

With every Church talk that I write

May your days have Helen Marr Kimball, she’s ripe!

And Mary, Yolanda, Christine, they’re tight.



I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas

With every Vision that I sight

May your Gays drop dead tonight!

And may all your Smithmases Delight

I Saw Daddy Popping Fanny’s Cherry

(Tune: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by Julia Murdoch Smith - 12/23/2006)

I saw Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry

Underneath the mistletoe last night

He didn’t see me creep

Down the stairs to have a peep

He thought I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep



Then I saw Mommy kicking Daddy’s balls

Underneath his dick delightsome white

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If Papa Alger had only seen

Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry last night!

I Saw Mommy Kissing Joseph Smith

(Tune: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Joseph Smith by the son of Zina Huntington Jacobs Smith Young (c) 1841" by Koriwhore - 12/23/2006)

I saw Mommy kissing Joseph Smith's dick

while she was bent over a hay bale last night.

He seemed like a creep

down the stairs I caught a peep;

She thought that I was tucked

up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy lick Joseph Smith

up and down his dick so long and white;

Oh, what a blast it would have been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Joseph Smith's dick last night.

I'll Be White By Smithmas (as sung by The S.W. Kimball Lamanite Choir)

(Tune: "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006)

I'll be white by Smithmas

You'll see pale-skinned me.

White like Smith, and Young, and Snow;

Transformed genetic'ly!



Smithmas Eve you'll see my

pasty-faced smile beam;

Southerton's D.N.A.

Is really just a dream!

Have Yourself A Churchy Little Smithmas

(Tune: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006)

Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,

Let your thoughts be light.

From now on

Prozac® will make your troubles bright!

Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,

Tithing's due today.

Can't pay bills?

Get down upon your knees and pray!



Pi-o-neers back in olden days

Notch-their-belt-in days of want

Dreamed of Celestial food buffets

While growing more and more gaunt.



Through Eternity we'll be togethern,

If we all obey.

Accept another calling from the Brethern,

And have yourself a churchy little Smithmas Day.

Joseph The Pointy-Nosed Mormon

(Tune: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006)

You know Brigham and Heber,

And Warren and Wilford,

Ervil and Orson,

Osama and Willard,

But do you recall

The foremost polyg of all?



Joseph the pointy-nosed Mormon

knew an Angel with a knife.

And if he spotted a hottie

She had to become his wife.

All of the other Mormons

Tried and tried to emulate

His habits oh, so naughty:

Second-best was their fate!



Then one frosty winter day

Mobsters came to play:

Feather'd and tarred old horny Joe

He was movin' mighty slow!

Then all the mobsters mobbed him

As they kicked his butt with glee:

Joseph the pointy-nosed Mormon's

Nerves were sore and all jangly!

Smithmas Eve Testimony

by Sage - 12/22/2006

And now after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all (I hope to high hell), which I give of him: That he used to live! For I saw him (with my spiritual eyes), even on the right hand of God; and I heard the voice (with my spiritual ears), bearing record that he thinks he is a profit-- That by him and through him, and of him many teenage and mature women are and were married and had sex and many men were fleeced of their possessions.

And I bear witness that Joseph has done more for the seduction of women than any other man save only Brigham Young (and maybe Bill Clinton). I know this beyond the shadow of any doubt and I love my mom and dad. And I say this in the name of the profit, even Joseph Smith, Amen

Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Smithmas Eve!

by Simeon's Peep Stone - 12/22/2006

With Smithmas here, I'm sure all of us are thinking about how thankful we are for Good Old Joe! Since Smithmas is all about the presents, most of the formal celebrating takes place on Smithmas Eve. In honor of Joe, here we go:

10. Play a classic game of "Hide the 116". Similar to hiding the Afikomen during Seder, this one teaches the kids what Smithmas is all about in a fun and care free way. Just be sure you remember where you stashed them so you can play again next year!

9. Nothing says Smithmas like re-enacting Joe's Leg Surgery. My sons love it when I hold them tightly, offer them booze and then inflict severe pain on them. How will they ever know how great Joe was unless they connect on a very real level?

8. An all time favorite has to be the "Buried Treasure Hunt". Choose from a variety of folk magic implements and fulfil your destiny! Seer Stones, Peep Stones, Divining Rods, it's all good. Be sure you con someone into paying you for your services first though. Hours of fun!

7. A Classic Read for a Classy Guy! Don't forget to read all about the Smiths, Joe's birth, childhood and divine calling through the eyes of his Mother. Don't let the blurred lines and visions of Joe Sr. bother you. The Church is True!

6. Now it's time for the "Golden Plate Relay Race"! Two teams take the field and it's a race to see who can finish the relay race the quickest. You get to decide between a historically correct set of plates or the kind that Emma could have moved around her house on her own.

5. It's not Hide and Seek, it's "Hide and Seer"! This game challenges even the most gifted seers of our generation. Pick your favorite Seer Stone, drop it in your favorite hat, stick your head in that hat . . . and let the light show you the way! No peeking, only peeping!

4. After the kids are asleep, it's time for that all time favorite . . . "Adultery, Smith Style"! Send one of your guests to the store or on some other errand and get to work. You must seduce their spouse before they get back or there'll be trouble. If all else fails, just say you received revelation.

3. Before the night gets too far along, be sure to have your "Smithmas Cocktail". Wine, Beer, Whiskey. . . anything goes. This is the one time of year it's ok to drink. You may only drink up until you act out the Martyrdom of Joe though, after that everyone gets really anal and decides that you're bad if you do it at all.

2. This event takes place right before the culminating event of the night. We call it . . . "What is that?" This game is played like the traditional telephone game and whatever comes out on the end gets put into your own personal Temple Ceremony. Need a new name? "What is that?". Need secret words to get into Heaven? "What is that?" Fun and effective!

1. The culminating event of the evening is the acting out of the "Martyrdom of Joe". Take off your garments for this one and arm yourself with a six shooter . . . this is one lamb going to the slaughter that isn't taking shit from anyone! I can't remember, but did Jesus arm himself when he went as a Lamb to the slaughter? What a pompous piece of shit Joe was to compare himself to Christ.

God Rest You Merry Brigham Young

(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" created by flattopSF - 12/21/2006)

God rest you, merry Brigham Young,

Your doctrines ain't blasé!

Remember, Smith your Savior

Was born on Smithmas Day!

He gave you Salamander Power

And you not far did stray.

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —

Election Made Sure!

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!



From some weird Heavenly Planet

A wingless angel flew;

To Joe Smith's attic bedchamber

And told him what to do —

Translate some gold plates in a hill

From Egypto-Hebrew-Who?

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —

Election Made Sure!

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!



"Now go forth" said Moroni,

"It's time to take a wife."

To three-score you must marry

Or forfeit your dang life."

So Smith had all the fun he could

And with women he was rife . . .

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —

Election Made Sure!

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!



Now to Ol' Joe sing praises,

All you who read this poem:

Give all your dough to Hinckley

And read some Churchly tome:

Or you'll deal with some EQP

From whose mouth curses foam.

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —

Election Made Sure!

Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

Up In The Temple (tune: Up on the Housetop)

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Up in the temple

Mormons pause:

Gordy's lust for Sheri draws

Stares from the grannies

With lots of jowls,

Cheers from the grampas:

Fossil howls!

"Oh, my, oh!

Look at him go!"

"Ho, ho, ho!

Go, Gord, GO!"

Up in the temple,

Gord Hinckley

And his gal Sheri

Getting twinkle-y.



After his playtime

With little Dew,

Robes askew, Gord saw his cue:

“Marry me, Sheri —

I love you true!”

Oh, you ol' prophet —

What a coup!

"I wasn't told:

You're so bold,

Fingers cold,

Too darn OLD!"

Up in the temple,

Gord Hinckley —

matrimonially

Celestinckley.



Off to the altar

Gord withdrew;

Her rejection made him blue!

Disobedience

Is not allowed:

"That dang female

Is way too proud!

Boo hoo hoo,

What do I do?

My little ewe

Has said adieu."

Up in the temple

Gordy schemes —

Who is next in

His marriage dreams?

We Wish You a Special Smithmas

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

We Wish You a Special Smithmas

We Wish You a Special Smithmas

We Wish You a Special Smithmas

And some callings this year!

Our tithing we bring

To Church from our kin;

Our Tithing for Smithmas

And some callings this year!



We'll go to the Tabernacle

We'll go to the Tabernacle

We'll go to the Tabernacle

To see Conf'rence here!

The choir will sing

As Gordon's sleeping,

Boyd will berate us

And then we'll all cheer!



We all want some Priesthood Blessings

We all want some Priesthood Blessings

We all want some Priesthood Blessings

Perform them right here!

Our children we bring,

Commandments keeping;

Anoint us! Appoint us!

At the Gentiles we sneer!



We're going up to the Temple

We're going up to the Temple

We're going up to the Temple

With our robes and headgear.

To learn about God,

And hold to the rod.

And maybe we'll meet him —

Our Prophet so dear!

Jolly Ol' Joe Smith, Please Just… (tune: Jolly Old Saint Nicholas)

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Jolly Ol' Joe Smith, please just

Lend your ear this way:

"There's some gals live down the road;

Virginal, they say!"

Smithmas Eve is coming soon;

Now, you pervy man

Whisper what you'll do with them —

Tell me if you can!



When the clock is striking twelve,

Emma's fast asleep.

Down the stairs and through the door

To your gals you'll creep!

All their garments you will find

Blowing to and fro;

Helen's are the smallest ones —

That, I'm sure you know!



Fanny wants a garter belt,

Zina wants a bed,

Flora wants a brand new dress,

Emma wants your head!

Now you think you know what you

What to give the rest —

But for you, Ol' Sneaky Joe,

Carthage will be best!

I Saw Mommy Kissing Parley Pratt (tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

I saw Mommy kissing Parley Pratt

Underneath the hallway stairs last night.

He didn't tell me: "scat!"

When he saw me through the slat;

And she thought I was chopping

Wood out back in my black hat.

Then, I heard Mommy telling Parley Pratt

She would go with him to Deseret!

Oh, how the bullets would have flown

If Daddy had only known

About Mommy kissing Pratt, that Rat!

Good Mormon Men, Rejoice!

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Good Mormon men, rejoice,

The prophet gives you little choice:

"Beat your wives and kids today,

And don't forget — your tithing pay!"

High priests all must pay the price

Of callings once, and twice, and thrice!

Smith is born today!

Smith is born today!



Good Mormon wives, rejoice,

The home is where you'll find your voice!

Green Jell-O™ and Tuna Plate

Are dishes you must feed your mate;

Wash, and clean: before him bow,

And he will give you children now!

Smith is born today!

Smith is born today!



Good Mormon kids, rejoice,

You're here cuz dad is not pro-choice.

Be baptized and say your prayers,

And never question those upstairs!

Missions are a sacrifice —

Just pray you don't come home with lice.

Smith is born today!

Smith is born today!



The First Joe-ël [tune: The First Noël]

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

The first Joe-ël, Moroni did say,

Was to that loser Joe Smith family as they lay;

In fields and barnyards where they did sleep

Off a hard winter drunk that was so deep.

Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:

Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!



They looked up and saw a star

Shining over Cumorah beyond them far;

And to the drunks it gave forth light:

Salamander, angels, Jesus, God — right!

Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:

Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!



And by the light of gold plates thar

Three witlesses signed up to praise that star;

To seek for free dough was their intent,

And follow this shyster wherever he went!

Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:

Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

The Smithmas Song as sung by Mel-chizedek Torme

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Black tar roasting on an open fire,

Joe Smith tied up to a post.

White goose feathers being flung — it looks dire —

His gonads might be castra-toast!



Everybody knows: this turkey has been cheating them —

And they want to treat him right!

Burly guys exercising mayhem;

He'll find it hard to sleep tonight.



They know his pals are on their way,

They'll grab their phony prophet and begin to pray.

But the whole rowdy crowd is feeling high —

Cuz this big shot is gonna go home and cry.



And now I'm offering this simple song

To Mo's from nine to ninety-two.

Although it's been said

Many times, all night long:

Merry eXMos to you!



8^D

From the Book of Puke: For Unto Us a Cult is Born

12/15/2006 - by Sourcerer

1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the Angel Moroni, that all the world should be duped.

2. (And this duping was first done when Joseph Smith was Moneydigger of Palmyra).

3. And all the Mormons went to be duped, every one into his own wardhouse.

4. And Joseph Smith, Sr. also went up from Vermont, out of the city of Sharon, into upstate New York, unto the city of Palmyra (actually, it was a shabby little town which is also called Hicksville, because Joseph, Sr. was of the house and lineage of a long line of bums, misfits, vagabonds and ne'er-do-wells).

5. To hang around town doing nothing all day with his nutty wife and lazy kids, being heavy with nothing, having all kinds of time on their hands.

6. And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that the Golden Plates should be delivered.

7. And Joseph Smith, Jr. brought forth his first-born in a long line of scams and wrapped it in a blanket so that no one could see it, and laid his face in hat, because that's where the peepstone was.

8. And there were in the same country scoundrels--Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery--biding their time, keeping a lookout for a flock to fleece.

9. And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came unto Joseph Smith, Jr. and the glory of a White Salamander shone round about him; and he could hardly wait to get laid.

10. And the Angel Moroni said unto him, "Fear not for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great treasure, which shall be to all people, for there is a sucker born every minute.

11. "For unto you is made up this day in the town of Palmyra a money-making scheme which, Christ the Lord, is guaranteed to pay off.

12. "And this shall be the pitch for you: Ye shall find the Golden Plates buried in a hill behind your house--lying in, well, lying in whatever. You get it: lying, lying and more lying."

13. And suddenly there was with the Angel Moroni a multitude of disreputable Witnesses, pretty much all related, praising Joseph Smith, and saying:

14. "Glory to Joe in the highest, and on Earth we all get a piece of the action."

15. And it came to pass, as the Witnesses had gotten their stories lined up and God and Jesus had gone away from the Grove of Trees into heaven, they said one to another, "Let us now go with Joe even unto Nauvoo, and see this thing which is coming to pass, which a traveling showman passing through has made known to us by selling us some Egyptian mummies and some old papyrus."

16. And they came with haste and found Joseph not with Emma, but with several of his under-age wives and girlfriends lying in a bedroom.

17. And when they had seen it, they made known in an emergency session of the City Council the saying which was told them concerning this potential problem, which by that time had been printed in the Nauvoo Expositor.

18. And all they that read it wondered at those things which were published by the apostates.

19. But Joseph tried to keep all these things under control and pondered them in his heart, then ignored the Constitution, ordered the newspaper destroyed, was arrested and soon shot to death in the middle of yelling out the Masonic Cry of Distress from a jailhouse window:

"Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale to Joe in the Highest and on Earth, Pitch the Cult Toward Men (since the women don't count, anyway)."

The End

Favorite Christmas Carols Famous Mormons

12/12/2005 - by various people

Brigham Young

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas - by Grape Nephi aka William

God rest ye merry, manly gods, let nothing you dismay. Only 29,999 eternal wives to do between now and Smithmas Day! - Timothy

(Tune of Oh Chistmas tree) Oh Caroline, Oh Madine, whatever your name is I love you. n/t - by Anubis

I thought BY's favorite Christmas Carol was Carol Brown or was it Carol Smith or... Well he had so many Carol's that I'm sure even he lost track! - Fallible

Jingled Balls - by Eliza R Snow

I Saw My Mommies Kissing Santa Under the Mistle Toe - by Brigham Young, Jr.

Here Comes Brigham's Claws - by all of Briggy's wives

Have A Maria - by Catholic convert to Mormonism and polygamy

Joseph Smith

O Come On the Faithful - by substrate

My Nuts Resting Over an Open Fanny - by Warren Jeffs

I'll Be Horney For Christmas - by Brigham Young

Joseph Fielding Smith

I Saw the Patriarch Kissing Santa Claus - by substrate

Ezra Taft Benson

Rudoph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (appeared before the McCarthy hearings) - by substrate

Mark E. Petersen

The Little Caucasian Drummer Boy - by substrate

Spencer W. Kimball

I'll Be White By Christmas - by substrate

We Wish You a Fairy Christmas - by The Evergreen Dropout All Male Chorus

Boyd K. Packer

Silent Night (We got rid of what wasn't "uplifting") - by substrate

Little Factory Boy - by Pee Wee Herman

Boy to the World - by Donna Packer

Richard G. Scott

Mary, Did You Know (You Need to Repent)? - by substrate

Gordon B Hinckley

Isn't It The Most Wonderful, Marvelous, Amazing, Inspiring Time of the Year - by Edleman Public Relations

Twelve GA's of Smithmas - by Mr. Mac and the Slobbernacle choir

O Little Mall of City Creek - by Sheri Dew and the Faithful Deseret Book Shoppers

While Shepherds Watched We Fleeced the Sheep - by The Internal Audit Committee Chorus

Smithmas in Utah

(Tune: "Christmas in Heaven" from Monty Python's Meaning of Life - " 12/07/2006 - created by D. P. Gumby)

It's Smithmas in Utah,

All the Sunbeams sing,

It's Smithmas in Utah,

Imagine such a thing.



It's Smithmas in Utah,

The snow falls on the ground,

There's lots of Joseph everywhere

But no Jesus to be found.



It's Smithmas in Utah,

Let's see what's on TV...

GA talks twice an hour

And Osmonds, one, two, three.



There's gifts for all the family,

There's quads, and Motab CDs...

The latest books by GBH

And Joe Smith DVDs!



It's Smithmas in Utah,

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray;

Every single day,

Is Smithmas day!

How the Apostate Stole Smithmas

12/05/2006 - Cats

Every Mormon down in Happy Valley Liked Smithmas a lot...

But the Apostate Mormon who lived just north of Happy Valley, Did NOT!

The Apostate hated Smithmas! And the whole Mormon holiday season!

Now, please don't ask why. Every good Mormon knows the reason.

It was because his head wasn't into scripture reading at night.

It was also because, perhaps, his underwear wasn’t right.

But I think that the most shocking reason of all,

Is because his former calling was humbly too small.

Whatever the offense, his calling or his underwear,

He stood there on Smithmas Eve, hating Mormons everywhere,

Staring out from his mists of darkness, a sinful Apostatey example,

As the warmth of the gospel lighted the windows down in their temple.

For he knew every Mormon down in Happy Valley below,

Was busy now telling stories of handcarts and snow.

"They're hanging their new First Presidency’s photo" he snarled with scorn,

"Tomorrow is Smithmas! It's the General Conference Saturday closest to when Joseph Smith was born!"

Then he scowled, with anti-Mormon facts in his head thumping,

"I MUST find some way to stop Smithmas from coming!"

For Tomorrow, he knew, all his Mormon relatives’ children,

Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their television!

And then! Oh, the noise! The noise of Living Scriptures!

Oh, the Noise of Michael Mclean!

Noise of apostles droning! Noise of Seventies bemoaning! Noise of women “joying!”

That's one thing he hated! The LDS NOISE!

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then after the first session his Mormon family, young cousins and old grandparent farts, would sit down to a Mormon eating.

And they'd eat! And they'd eat! And they'd EAT!

EAT! EAT! EAT!

They would eat Mormon Jell-O, and Mormon funeral potatoes.

Which was something apostates can't stand eating, every Mormon knows!

And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!

Everyone from Happy Valley, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, with the whole family beaming.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Mormons would start singing!

They'd sing hymns! And they'd sing LDS songs! And they'd SING!

SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Apostate thought of this Mormon Smithmas sing,

The more the Apostate thought, "I must stop this Mormon thing!"

"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this Smithmas from coming! But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE APOSTATE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Apostate laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick dash for his Halloween costumes.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Apostatey trick!"

"With this clock and this mask, I look just like Old Nick!"

"All I need is a pitched fork..." The Apostate looked around.

But, since pitched forks are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Apostate? No! The Apostate simply said,

"If I can't find a pitched fork, I'll use a rake instead!"

So he pulled on his mask. Then he painted the rake red,

And he tied big horns on the top of his head.

THEN He loaded some empty trash bags and some old empty crates,

In his ramshackle car he pitched that old rake.

Then the Apostate said, "Later!" And the car started down,

Toward the homes where his Mormon relations lay asleep in their town.

All their windows were dark. Lovely quiet filled the air.

All these Mormons were dreaming Celestial dreams without wit.

When he came to the first little house full of Mormon shit.

"This is stop number one," the old Apostate hissed,

And he opened their unlocked door, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the hall. Their television room he almost missed.

But, as Satan he could do it, so on went the Apostate.

He got confused in the dark only once, for a moment or two.

Then Smith’s head stuck out above the fireplace and he knew.

Where those little Mormon movies and CDs were all stacked in a row.

"These movies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the Mormon decorated room, and he took every accent!

The First Presidency picture! And Smith statuettes! MoTab CDs! Living Scriptures!

White hankies! Ensign Magazines! The Friend! And Christ pictures!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Apostate, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, into his Chevy!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Mormons' eats!

He took the green Jell-O! He took the potatoes!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as evil grows.

Why, that Apostate even took their last can of Sprite!

Then he stuffed all the food in his car with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned the Apostate, "I will take their t.v.!"

And the Apostate grabbed the television, and he started to puff,

When he heard a small sound like a dog barking ruff.

He turned around fast, and he saw a big Mormon!

Little Cindy his niece, and she was not more than thirty-two.

The Apostate had been caught by this hefty Mormon daughter,

She'd got out of bed for a cup of refrigerator door water.

She stared at the Apostate and said, "Satan, why,”

"Why are you taking our television? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Apostate was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little Cindy," the fake Satan lied,

"There's a problem with this television and its not filling you with pride."

"So I'm taking it to Hell to work on it, my dear."

"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled his niece. Then he patronized her some more,

And he got her a drink from the door of their refrigerator.

And when Cindy went to bed with her cup,

HE went to the car and tied their television on top!

Then the last thing he took was the agenda for their fireside!

Then he went to his car and pulled the door closed, the old liar.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house,

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing to his other Mormon relations’ houses

Leaving crumbs much too small For the other Mormons' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn... All the Mormons, sleeping in,

All the Mormons, still asleep when he had filled up his station wagon,

Packed it up with their pictures! The recordings! The Mormon things!

The tacky decoration! And the movies! The warm fuzzies! The Mormon trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Timpanogas,

He rode with his load to the tiptop then ran out of gas!

"Pooh Pooh to the Mormons!" he was Apostateishly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Smithmas is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,

Then the Mormon family down in Happy Valley will all cry Boo Hoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Apostate, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Apostate put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the foothills.

It started in low. Then it grew to some shrills.

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded happy!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS happy! VERY!

He stared down at Happy Valley! The Apostate popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Mormon relative he had down in Happy Valley, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any paraphernalia at all!

He HADN'T stopped Smithmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Apostate, with his Apostate-feet ice-cold in the mountain snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"

"It came with out recordings! It came without televised drags!"

"It came without pictures, decorations or guilt-laden nags!"

And he puzzled for a full three hour block, till his puzzler was shocked.

Then the Apostate thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Smithmas," he thought, "doesn't come from Deseret Bookstore."

"Maybe Smithmas...perhaps...means something more than a bore!"

And what happened then? Well...in Happy Valley they say,

That the Apostate's small testimony grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his head didn't feel quite so full of spite,

He coasted down with his load through the bright morning light,

And he brought back their junk! And the food for their tween-session eating!

And he, HE HIMSELF! The Apostate got a royal Mormon beating!

Welcome Smithmas

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome Smithmas,

come this way!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome Smithmas,

Smithmas Day!

Welcome, welcome!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Welcome, welcome!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Smithmas Day,

Is in our patriarchal grip,

So long as we,

Arms to fold

And hands to hold!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome Smithmas!

Bring your scriptures.

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome all Mormon's,

Far and near

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome, Smithmas!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Welcome, Smithmas!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Smithmas Day,

Will always be

Just as long,

As we have we

Welcome all Mormon's,

Far and near.

I'll be Home for Smithmas

12/01/2006 - Grape Nephi

I'll be home for Smithmas

You can count on me

Please have snow and green Jell-O

for your RM just me



Smithmas Eve will find me

Home Teaching Brother Gleams

I'll be home for Smithmas

If only in my dreams

Have A Merry Freakin Smithmas

12/01/2006 - Anubis

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas;

of that TBM's will cheer

I don't know (if we teach that)

every freak'in year.



Have a holly, jolly Smithmas

And when you walk down the street

Say Hello to friends you used to know

and every Ex-TBM you meet.



Ho ho the wind will blow

when Packer is to appear

Somebody waits for you

on FARMS BS you see



Have a holly jolly Smithmas,

and in case you didn't hear,

Oh by golly, have a holly,

jolly Smithmas this year.



Note: I didn't have to change the last verse and yet it sounds like utah....

Joe - The Very Thought Of Thee

12/01/2006 - Grey Matter

Joe the very thought of thee

With regret fills my breast

Of life's valuable time wasted

And all the freakin' rest



No voice can sing

Nor heart can frame

Nor can the memory find

An uglier, con-man cultist

And abuser of womankind



The hopeless dream of every dupe

The pain of every fool

The hero of every paedophile

The lies were bloody cruel



Fake prophet, you still linger on

Though the halcyon days are over

Just like a frenzied dog on heat

You should have been called Rover

The Twelve Weeks Of Apostasy

12/01/2006 - substrate

On the first week I skipped church,

my bishop sent to me

A home teacher preaching to me.



On the second week I skipped church,

my bishop sent to me

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the third week I skipped church,

my bishop sent to me

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the fourth week I skipped church,

my bishop sent to me

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the fifth week I skipped church,

my bishop sent to me

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the sixth week I skipped church,

my bishop sent to me

Six major guilt trips,

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the seventh week I skipped church,

My bishop sent to me

Seven First Presidency Messages,

Six major guilt trips,

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the eighth week I skipped church,

My bishop sent to me

Eight links to FARMS,

Seven First Presidency Messages,

Six major guilt trips,

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the ninth week I skipped church,

My bishop sent to me

Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,

Eight links to FARMS,

Seven First Presidency Messages,

Six major guilt trips,

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the tenth week I skipped church,

My bishop sent to me

Ten predictions of divorce,

Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,

Eight links to FARMS,

Seven First Presidency Messages,

Six major guilt trips,

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the eleventh week I skipped church,

My bishop sent to me

Eleven promises of damnation,

Ten predictions of divorce,

Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,

Eight links to FARMS,

Seven First Presidency Messages,

Six major guilt trips,

Five plates of cookies,

Four phone calls,

Three emails,

Two visiting teachers,

And a home teacher preaching to me.



On the twelfth week I skipped church,

My bishop came to me

And we had a beer and watched football.

O Little Town Of Sharon

12/01/2006 - created Grape Nephi

O little town of Sharon,

How still we see thee lie;

Above thy deep and dreamless sleep

The silent stars go by;

Yet in thy dark streets shineth

The everlasting light.

The hopes and fears of all the years

Are met in thee tonight.



For Joe is born of Lucy,

And gathered all above,

While mortals sleep the angels keep

Their watch of wondering love.

O morning stars, together

Proclaim the holy birth !

And praises sing to Joe the King,

of Israel and the earth !



How silently, how silently

The wondrous gift is given !

And so it starts and He imparts

The blessings of Mormon heaven.

No one should fear His coming;

But please ignore the din,

Where antis will revile Him still,

But dear Joe will always win.



O holy Child of Sharon,

Descend to us, we pray;

Bring all our kin and enter in,

Be with us now we pray.

We hear the Smithmas angels

The great glad tidings tell,

O come to us, abide with us,

Our King so with us dwell !

The Twelve Days of Smithmas

12/01/2006 - created by Grape Nephi

On the first day of Smithmas my leader gave to me

A PPI next to the Smithmas tree



On the second day of Smithmas my leader gave to me

two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the third day of Smithmas my leader gave to me

three new hometeaching families, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the forth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me

An assignment to talk on Sunday, three new hometeaching families, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the Fifth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!

Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the sixth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!

A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the seventh day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!

Seven seals to talk on.

A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the eigth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me. Eight endowment sessions.

Seven seals to talk on. A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.



On the 9th day of Smithmas my leader gave to me.....



A nervous breakdown...



At PPI the next Sunday Brother Jones was talked about. See he ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown and heart palpitations. A request was made for someone to take some green Jell-O salad over to the family.

Christmas In Zarahemla - A poem for Smithmas

12/22/2005 - created by SL Slacker

Twas the night before Christmas, in fair Zarahemla

Where two seons of gold won't fetch half a limnah

Since the buildings all crumbled and smashed to the ground

Over dead, bloody people heaped up in a mound.



The children were strewn over sharp rocky beds

While visions of cureloms danced in their heads

And Mamma with her bleeding and my fractured thigh

Had just settled down to curse God and die.



When out in the rubble arose such a clatter

I strained my head up to see what was the matter

And peered o'er the stones - my eyes flew like a tapir

just stabbed in a battle with an iron-tipped rapier



The sky covered up by black clouds of debris

Hid the frenzied, cold wounded still trying to flee

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a pinprick of light growing steadily nearer



From a man clothed in white, his robe open in front

Like a pimp-daddy lounge singer pulling some stunt

When a voice still and small wafted over the snow

That pierced to my soul, "Folks it's time for the show!



"Come hear Jesus, my son, in whom I'm well pleased

Who helped ravage your cities with death and disease!"

So I looked and saw Him light down from the sky

Landing on top of and crushing some elderly guy.



I stared right into this holy hipster's breast

Which was shaven as freshly as his chin, legs, and the rest

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!



He was fit as a stallion, and smelled of chlorine

From that Heavenly hot tub where he stashed Ann, Meg, and Doreen

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.



He'd scarcely arrived when he went straight to work

Proclaiming himself emperor, the self-righteous jerk

Then he invited the young and the old not yet dead

To forget their own wounds and check his out instead



Then he quickly got bored and started to rise

Up and lecture us all on how to baptize

He laid out every detail as if I should care

About proper procedures when one missed a few hairs.



Then to prove that he wouldn't leave us all in a lurch

He took care to expound on the name of his Church.

Then he healed some of the injured who had faith to heal

And suggested they forget dead friends who lacked zeal.



Now laying a finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up to heaven he rose.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Joseph The Con Man

(Tune: "Frosty the Snowman" - created by Gale - 12/20/2005

Joseph the con man

Was a lying cheating sod

With a magic stone and them golden plates

And some books he wrote for God



Joseph the con man

Wrote a fairy tale we say

He worshipped the flesh

Now he’s in their crèche

And he’ll be a god one day (they say)



There must have been some magic

In that silly hat he had

For when he placed it on his face

He began a brand new fad



Joseph the con man

Was frisky as he could be

Now the Mormons say

To obey and pay

Like God wants for you and me



Joseph the con man

Knew he could be shot that day

So he said let’s run

And have some more fun

And after that we’ll pray



Inside the jail cell

With a weapon in his hand

Running here and there his arm to the square

Saying catch me if you can



He jumped through the open window

It was a scary drop

And he only paused a moment when

He heard them holler stop



Joseph the con man

Was shot while running away

As he went bye-bye

He said I won’t cry

For I’ll be a god some day



Clangety clang clang

Clangety clang clang

Look at BYU

Clangety clang clang

Clangety clang clang

Jesus the Christ should sue

Smithmas Symbols and Traditions

12/17/2005 - Jungle

CANDLES

Smithmas candles are all shapes, colors, sizes and scents. But only the white ones smell like vanilla and are therefore the best color. The lighted candle represents Joseph Smith who lights the way for all mankind.

SMITHMAS CAROLS

Most of the early carols were about Emma, the Lamanites, the 3 Witnesses and the birth of Joseph. Later carols were sung by groups of people who would go to homes and sing in harmony. Now we sing about what Joseph Smith has done for the world by ushering in the Last Dispensation.

SMITHMAS STAR

The Smithmas star announced the birth of Joseph Smith, who, unlike Christ, really was born in December. Stars are placed on the tops of Smithmas Trees. Joseph Smith is the world's greatest super STAR and looks down on the world from on high to see his dominions!

SMITHMAS TREE

Evergreen trees and tree branches have been used for decorating homes for Smithmas. The decorated tree originated in Germany where a fir tree was decorated with apples and candles. Prince Albert brought the custom to England. The idea of decorating a Smithmas tree spread to America where Joseph Smith was born in a cozy cabin nestled in a lush forest filled with pines.

GIFT-GIVING

The day of gift-giving varies in different countries .... Dec.6th (St.Nicholas day) ; Dec. 12th (Joseph Smith's birthday); Dec. 24th ; Dec. 25th ; Dec. 26th (Boxing day) ; January 6th (Epiphany, Feast of the 3 Witnesses, or the three Kings). The giver of the gifts is also varies in different countries. It could be the Child Joseph, Kriss Kringle, Santa Claus, Father Smithmas, Befana in (Italy), Babushka (Russia), the Magi or St. Nicholas. Of course the greatest gift ever given was the life of the prophet Joseph Smith who sealed his testimony with his own blood.

GINGERBREAD

Making gingerbread cookies and gingerbread houses is a popular activity during the Smithmas season. Gingerbread houses were first made in Germany. The gingerbread house was popular after the fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel became well-known. It also reminds us of the Gingerbread Man who yelled, "You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!" Too bad Joseph Smith wasn't like the Gingerbread Man.

HOLLY

Holly trees can be found around the world. It remains green during the winter so it is used for decorating. The holly wreath resembles the circular logic apologists use to prove Joseph Smith was a prophet. The berries represent Joseph's blood. The best blood ever spilt in Illinois...at Carthage Jail...in front of the well...only counting human blood.

MANGER SCENE or NATIVITY SCENE

St. Francis of Assisi made the first manger scene on Smithmas Eve in 1224 outside his church in Italy . He used real people and animals to recreate the scene. The child Joseph is not added to the manger until December 12th. The 3 Wise Men (Witnesses) are added on January 6th, the day of the Epiphany (also called the Festival of the Kings). That St. Francis of Assisi knew about the birth of Joseph Smith almost 600 years beforehand is another evidence for Joseph's divine calling.

ORNAMENTS

The first Smithmas trees were decorated with real fruit and flowers. Cookies, nuts , candies and other kinds of food were added later on. Lighted candles were also used but there was the danger of fires when the candles were lit. Joseph Smith liked fire. Ornaments are mostly a pagan invention that Joseph Smith really didn't have much to do with.

POINSETTIA

A legend in Mexico tells of a small boy who had nothing to offer the Child Joseph on his birthday. As he prayed at the altar of a church, his prayers were answered and the "Flower of the Holy Night" sprang up before him. The bright red petals of the poinsettia are actually leaves like those worn in the Garden of Eden.

PLUM PUDDING

The first plum puddings were made in the 1600's and were not even made of plums. The pudding was a "stiff" porridge to which was added lumps of meat, dried fruits, butter, sugar, eggs, spices, rum and brandy. It was prepared weeks before Smithmas. Joseph liked to say that, "...young girls are even better than Plum Pudding."

SANTA CLAUS

The Dutch were the first to speak of a merry old man in red and white clothes, with eight flying reindeer. He lived near the North Pole, filled stockings with presents, and came down the chimney. They called him Sinte Klass which is Dutch for "Smith Crier" or "Smith Foreteller". He foretold the birth and mission of the prophet Joseph Smith and left presents after ensuring children paid a full tithe on their earnings in the mines.

THE WISE MEN or WITNESSES

C.M.D. are the initials of the three Wise Men named Cowdrey, Martin, and David. It is a custom in Poland, Czechoslovakia and Sweden for three boys to visit homes on the Epiphany and testify of Joseph Smith's calling. The initials C.M.D. are written over the doors of the homes and three stars are drawn, also. All three witnesses were very wise in describing their experiences and their special use of "spiritual eyes."

YULE LOG

In early days fire was a symbol of the home, safety and warmth. The English took on the custom of burning the yule log on Smithmas Eve. It was considered good luck to sit on it before it was burned and it was bad luck if the fire went out quickly. Joseph told young girls it was good luck to sit on his "Yule Log" too!

A Few of My Nauvoo Things (sing to My Favorite Things- and why that song ever got to be a Christmas Carol is beyond me...)

12/17/2005 - Richard Lionheart

Women in numbers and beer and tabacky

Head in his hat and he has lots of lackeys

He says he's translating some plates made of gold

Making up names of the prophets of old.



Emma is pissed off, the wives are a'screaming

Joseph is up in the temple a'dreaming.

Dreaming of other man's wives is a chore

Too bad the man's rotten down through his core.



Rites from Masons,

Funny garments,

It so frickin' sad.

That people believe in these life-sucking things,

It makes us all very mad.

Midnight Fast and Testimony Meeting on December 23

12/14/2005 - D. P. Gumby

The LD$ Church should (keeping in mind their historical record of plagiarism) borrow from the Catholic Church and hold a Midnight Fast and Testimony meeting on December 23.

This meeting will always open with the hymn "Praise to the Man". There will then be read a special message from the First Presidency full of sickening platitudes about Joe Smith. Following the usual Sacrament, the Junior Sunday School will perform a brief program about Joe Smith, then members will be encouraged to bear their testimony of Joe. (No travelogues or other extraneous material allowed).

Interspersed with testimonies will be the singing of Smithmas hymns. Following the closing hymn - in the name of Joseph Smith (not Jesus Christ) - the congregation will adjourn to the cultural hall to view the church's latest Joe Smith DVD.

After returning home, the family will gather around the Smithmas tree to sing more Smithmas songs and read from the Pearl of Great Price: Joseph Smith Chapter 2. The tree must be topped with a Moroni tree-topper (available from Deseret Books for only $39.99) and decorated with ornaments depicting LD$ temples. Ornaments depicting current and former General Authorities will be an acceptable alternative. There will be an exchange of traditional gifts - books written by GA's only.

Later in the day, the family will gather for the traditional Smithmas dinner. The table should be decorated with placemats bearing the likenesses of Joe's polygamous wives, and the centerpiece should be a depiction of the first vision. (Liberal Mormons can have a choice of which version they use). The meal must include at least one Jell-o salad and funeral potatoes are strongly recommended.

Following dinner, the family will watch home video of last summer's trip to Nauvoo or Palmyra before holding family prayer focusing on Joe Smith.

In Utah, Smithmas will, of course, be an offical holiday just like July 24.

I also submit the following Smithmas song:

The Twelve