Theory: Aliens + Humans = Asians?

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ALIENS + HUMANS = ASIANS!

1/5/98

My theory is such that I suspect that Asians are the offspring of Aliens mating with Humans. I have many points to support my theory:

1. Asians have uncommonly (almost unearthly) almond-shaped eyes. Have you ever seen sketches what the consensus of alien encounters describe as Aliens? Hmmm…..

2. Why is it that Asians are so technologically advanced? Is it any wonder? Because they’re half Alien!

3. In sketches of Aliens, the majority of them are short in stature. Is it any mystery why Asians are short?

4. The Chinese alphabet does not seem to be of this world. The characters seem so advanced for such an ancient alphabet. Which brings me to #5…..

5. Asian languages, particularly Chinese and Japanese, are very terse, succinct dialects. They seem to have absolutely nothing to with the dialects of the Europe and Africa. They seem very other-worldly…

6. Why does Japanimation seem so damn cool? Because it’s futuristic-like. It’s got the Alien-tinge to it…. Even Hello Kitty and Kero Keropi seem sort of unearthly….

7. The first Human/Alien offspring was….Buddha.

8. How do you think Confucius knew so much???

9. Although American cars are like tanks, is it any wonder that Asian cars are so much more ergonomically friendly? Aliens are very streamlined folk….

10. Where do you think gunpowder was invented? Until it was put into the hands of the violent Europeans, the Chinese used it for fireworks (perhaps to simulate the spaceships of their forefathers…).

11. Chinese and Japanese architecture seems pretty other-worldly if you ask me…

12. Samurai warriors, existing hundreds of years ago, were pretty damn Stormtrooper-like, wouldn’t you say?

13. Sterotypically, why is it that Asians are so good at the universal language of math? One word: Abacus.

14. The only man-made object that can be seen in space is…. The Great Wall of China.

15. The martial arts: do you think that the human race could invent such a concise, succinct and streamlined form of defense all by themselves???? Which leads me to #16…

16. Did Bruce Lee really die? Or was he just taken back home?

17. If indeed, the Human race began in Africa; spread to Europe; then to Asia… why is it that Asians look so much more different from their African descendants? I mean, If you put a European next to an African, the differences make sense; Europeans are lighter-pigmented due to geographical changes. But what can be attributed for Asians’ almond shaped eyes (as in point #1)? China and Japan are not any northern than, say, Germany or England. People from India definitely appear to be of African descent… But once you go a little East… Boom! You suddenly have a sharp change in the Orient…

I wonder…

18. Have you ever seen the rice fields of Asia? Pretty symmetrical and evenly arranged, eh? Have you ever seen those mysterious Alien crop circles? Pretty symmetrical and evenly arranged, eh?

19. Why is it that until Marco Polo brought it back to the West, humans never thought of making the super-carbohydrate noodle they now call Pasta?

20. Speaking of Marco Polo, you always hear of these explorers from Europe. You never hear about Asian explorers sailing the high seas. Why? Maybe because their ancestors already explored them with their spaceships….

1/6/98

Mr. Glennard adds:

21. There are never any reports of Alien abductions in the Far East. Why? Because it’s stupid for aliens to abduct their own people!

22. It’s common knowledge that both China and Japan attempted to keep westerners out of their respective countries. But why? Was it merely because of racial bigotry? Probably not. The Chinese and the Japanese were just prepping their space vehicles for launch when all the while, the rest of the world used wooden rafts.

Dr. Shaw states:

23. While Western doctors tell you to pop a pill if you’re ill, the Chinese suggest having tiny little needles stuck into various “points” in your body. Just who do you think first mapped out the entire human body and practiced acupuncture? Gee, I wonder…

more from Villafranc:

24. Is it any wonder that Opium was one of the first addictive hallucinogens introduced to the western world? Perhaps some westerner accidentally decided to get high from it when it, in fact, was really fuel for Alien space crafts…perhaps…..

25. Have you ever noticed that the majority of Asian men, for some reason have less facial and body hair than their western counterparts? Fu Manchu is the classic example. As much as he wanted a goatee, all he could muster was a few strands from his chin and above his lip. Furthermore, perhaps Tibetans gave up altogether, thus the bald heads…”Hair? Hey, fuggedaboutit!”

26. The real reason behind the recent stock market crash in Asia had nothing to do with money. Aliens, by nature prefer to stay in the background in the scheme of Earthly things. Therefore, the Asian market was perhaps becoming “too” prosperous. The crash was necessary. The Aliens would rather be found out later than sooner….

27. Asians have adopted many Alien habits into their way of living. Chopsticks, while a very simple concept, is very difficult technique to master. Who do you think taught them how to actually use them? Also, if you took a wok and turned it upside down…it’s an all too familiar shape! Finally, is it any wonder why MSG puts you in a trance-like state after eating Chinese food? Maybe it was originally an Alien spice that was never really intended for Human consumption.

28. Even Alien/Human breeding can result in birth defects. Two words: Siamese Twins.

29. As a result of migrating from Northern Asia over the land-bridge (that used to exist) leading to Alaska, we all know that Native Americans, too, are of Alien descent. With their ornamental traditional garb and serene way of being…it’s very Oriental…hence, very Alien. Teepees are a crude, yet still, Alien-inspired design that was very streamlined in its function and purpose. Perhaps their skill in smoke-signalling was a direct result of Alien knowhow and ingeniuity. Finally, the uncanny regard which Native Americans have for the Earth’s natural resouces didn’t just come from nowhere

30. Asians are not bad drivers. It’s just that they’d be more at home navigating a spacecraft.

Mrs. Branching inspired:

31. After landing in Asia, the Aliens decided to search for Humans to mate with. This search led to Egypt, where the Egyptians were exposed to the Alien alphabet and also helped the Aliens build the Pyramids. After leaving Egypt with a few Humans to bring back to Asia, the Egyptians didn’t soon forget their Alien encounter. They documented it by way of hieroglyphics, where Egyptians went so far as trying to emulate their new friends by attempting to imitate their alphabet and portraying themselves as Alien-like, painting their eyes with black eye paint. Furthermore, where do you think the Egyptians learned to mummify bodies so well….

32. Godzilla: visionary japanese sci-fi thriller or homage to the alien equivalent of a house pet?

And Dr. Thompson adds:

32. The words “alien” and “asian” are a little too phonetically similar to merely be a coincidence…

Note: We can a lot of direct messages about this post. Many of the asians friends thinks that this post is offensive. I think this is just humorous piece of text and telling a lot of good things about asians from the different point of view. As you know, Give Up Internet is a geeky humor blog and we’re really serious about not being offensive. Thank you for your understanding.