The sun is still just a vague rumour on the horizon promoted by a gently lightening sky when I am told I am ugly. “We’re bringing a model,” explains Ed-in-Chief Charlie Turner with the low and patient tone of a man with big feet stepping lightly around a minefield of ego. “It’s a beautiful convertible Ferrari, driven on some of the best roads in Perugia. It should be a bit of a fantasy. And, let’s face it, any fantasy that relies too heavily on imagery of you is likely to be the kind of mental image that requires counselling. Possibly surgical counselling. No offence.”

“None taken,” I reply lightly, immediately taking colossal offence. “See you in a bit. I’ve just got to dig out my summer BALACLAVA and I’ll be right with you.”

Words: Tom Ford

Photography: Lee Brimble

This feature was originally published in the December 2011 issue of TopGear magazine