What does Comcast call you behind your back?

We Comcast customers, it turns out, are a little like T.S. Eliot’s Jellicle cats: we have secret names. There’s our real name, which we use in everyday life, and then there’s the name Comcast calls us when we’re not around. Due to a series of rare slip-ups over at Comcast HQ, you may be familiar with Asshole (née Ricardo) Brown. More recently we met Mary Bauer, or as she is better known to the nation’s largest cable provider, Super Bitch.

It’s enough to make a person wonder: what’s my Comcast customer name? Fortunately, The Verge is here to help. Simply click the button below and all mysteries will be revealed. Say it with pride. Request it on your next driver’s license. Tattoo it on your body. This is your Comcast name.

And while you’re on the line, would you like to hear about how you can improve your cable package, for only a few dollars a month?