By Joshua Krumpe (a dude from Florida)

23-year-old Douglas Theodor Lowe, also known as “Quail Man” (a throwback to his favorite nostalgic 90's cartoon character), has frequented the bars of Highland Square in Akron, Ohio, claiming to be a resident of the community, for close to two years this June. However, to the shock and dismay of his many barroom acquaintances, Doug does not actually reside within the boundaries of his beloved Square.

Douglas Theodor Lowe

Having donned his vintage moose sweater, Douglas made his surprise announcement last night at The Matinee (located on Market Street, near the Wally Waffle). “Friends,” he spoke into the Karaoke machine, “this is very difficult for me to say, but I can live a life of lies no longer!” The confused patrons of The Matinee turned their heads toward young Douglas with reluctant attendance as he made his confession.

No sooner was the announcement made, than the under-stimulated, unimpressed crowd turned back around with an astounding lack of interest, and almost immediately went on with what they were previously doing. We caught up with a few acquaintances of Doug’s and this is what they had to say: “Oh, Doug? Yeah, I know that guy. That dude sucks.”

Not all reactions were quite as tepid. “Yeah, I mean, I was surprised,” exclaimed Some-Girl-Named-Brittany. “He’s always walking around the square…we just assumed he was homeless since he wears the same Vampire Weekend T-shirt every day.” The Bouncer of the Matinee chimed in with a few added words of his own: “We actually call him ‘The Odor’ because I saw on his Nat I.D. that his middle name is Theodor. He tries to get us to call him Quail Man but no one really gives a $h*t.”

As the night went on, Doug “The Odor” Lowe held his head in shame: “They’re all ignoring me! I knew this would happen! I thought this was a progressive bar! I DON’T NEED YOU OR THIS TOWN!” No one has seen or heard from Douglas since he ran from The Matinee that night. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact the proper authorities.