I think I’ve found him. His name is Norman Bobbins and he’s 72 years old, white and thick as a plate of mince. He left school at 15 and recently retired after 56 years from the job he loved, hosing down the blood from the pens in his local abattoir. He has only four teeth and rides a mobility scooter and his favourite programme is The Black and White Minstrel Show. His hobbies include watching rugby league on the television, chronic flatulence and pies.

He has been married to his wife, Beryl, for 53 years and their union was described, at their golden anniversary in the local Toby Carvery, as “reasonably happy, so far as we can tell”. Beryl is now 27 stone and they