Man Names Son After Alphabet So He Won’t Forget It

GAINSVILLE, Florida –

Okay, so wth is going on with so many bad parents lately? It’s an epidemic. And why Florida, why, do you continue to be crazier than a run-over dog?

Ryan Gastin was so upset his 5-year-old, Doug, had yet to master the alphabet he changed his name to ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ as punishment.

“I’m catching a lot of poop right now for changing Dougie’s name to ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ,” Gastin said. “But to my critics, I say to you: shut the F up. I’m just being a good parent.”

Gastin claimed he tried other methods to help ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ master the alphabet before taking the drastic measure.

“We did that alphabet song… Aaaa Bbbb Ceee Deee LMMNOP, but nothing. He couldn’t even sing it right. He was screaming it like it was a heavy metal song and screwing up the order of the letters: X X X B B Q!”

Gastin said he is waiting to enroll his son into kindergarten until he masters the alphabet and hopes his son being called ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ by friends and family will shame him into taking his learning the alphabet more seriously.

“I gotta hold him back this year until he gets this right. I need ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ to be a star pupil,” Gastin said. “I got a lot riding on his getting good grades and getting an academic scholarship into Harvard and getting a big high-paying job, because he’s my retirement plan. I can’t work full-time as is with my stomach problems and he’s gonna have to take care of me financially once he’s out of Harvard. He’s my meal ticket”

Gastin said once ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ masters the alphabet he will let him have his real name back, but if ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ fails to conquer future academic challenges he will change his name again.

“If he doesn’t master 2 + 2 = 4 next, I’m changing his name to 2 + 2 = 4,” Gastin said. “You can bet your balls on that.”