Next to sex, there's nothing that delights the old primate tendencies quite like dealing someone a good ol' fist upside the cranium. Sadly, the vast majority of us have candy for an ass and are far too removed from our caveman days to get our own knuckles all scuffed up. So instead, we watch people fight our battles for us on the TV, while assuring all within earshot that we could totally whip their butts if we wanted to (we just don't, and never will want to). But like any spectator event, martial arts tournaments must fight tooth and nail to hold on to our ever more fickle attention spans. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we end up with certifiably insane competitions like ...

6 Hip Show

Hip Show

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you took American Gladiators, exported it to Russia, and ran it through their patented Fuckstripper(TM) to remove every last fuck it ever had to give? Well, wonder no more, dear friend, because the Russians have already done it by creating the vastly undernamed Hip Show.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Complete with a flame-bearded announcer straight out of The Hunger Games, Hip Show features full-contact team martial arts fighting with an added twist: It takes place inside a mazelike three-level obstacle course. If you're wondering how throwing down in a group brawl while standing precariously near the edge of raised platforms could possibly be a good idea, we humbly submit that it is not a good idea. It is the best idea.

Hip Show

Fuck you, sliced bread!

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Fights consist of two-on-two teams flailing their way through three two-minute rounds, with the use of joint locks and choke holds prohibited during the first two rounds because we paid to see some face punching, goddammit. As you can imagine, teamwork is essential -- the moment one partner drops, the arena transforms into a two-against-one death maze. And since being inactive is also against the rules, anyone caught hiding behind the obstacles is subjected to immediate execution by bear mauling. Or disqualification. Whatever. It's Russia -- the bear mauling is implied.