After taking a shower in pig vomit and playing a full game of golf in the Oval Office in which Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) held the president’s golf tee in his mouth while wearing only an adult diaper, the president claimed on Wednesday that special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation was nothing more than an “attempted coup” to remove him from office.

“It was an illegal investigation. It was started illegally. Everything about it was crooked,” the president told reporters outside the White House, Politico reports. The president continued his mantra that Mueller and his investigators probing allegations that the president’s 2016 campaign was “friends with benefits” with the Russian government “were people that truly hated Donald Trump.”

“This was an attempted coup,” he continued. “This was an attempted takedown of a president, and we beat them.”


This is effective for several reasons, and it proves that Trump is always on the hustle.

First, it continues this long held push by Trump to pit himself as the underdog. These evil people tried to throw me out of office, but in the end, justice prevailed!


Secondly, it pits Trump as honest and those seeking his removal as dishonest. It’s why Trump always needs an enemy. Since taking office, Trump has taken swipes at everyone, including those who don’t give a shit about him. From the outset, he’s called Mueller’s probe a “witch hunt” and slammed everyone interested in finding out whether there was collusion between Russia and Trump’s administration.

Lastly, it’s a racist bullhorn to his base. What does any of this have to do with race? Well nothing, but when it comes to Trump, it’s always a racist bullhorn to his base.


Had Mueller just concluded whether or not Trump obstructed justice, we might not be here, but Mueller punted and Attorney General William Barr decided that he’d pick up the ball and run with it. While no one asked the lead singer of the Flintstones, who are not from Michigan, to offer his conclusion on Mueller’s long-ass report, he did anyway, with Politico adding “that Mueller did not fully exonerate Trump in an obstruction of justice inquiry, but Barr added that he did not believe there was enough evidence to bring charges on the matter.”

Meanwhile several people on Mueller’s team are like “Bitch, huh?” to Barr’s assessment of the investigation.


Democrats want Barr to release the more than 300-page report, but Barr has said consistently that Congress will get the same redacted report that the public will get within a week.


Trump said he has not seen the report and he’s probably not lying because the report is really long and Trump has issues reading. Someone has surely briefed him on the report, but Trump probably didn’t listen to the parts that were boring because he only wanted to hear that he’s not guilty.

And he’s totally guilty...so guilty. The guiltiest.