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*The Big Day*

While I appreciate this mom-to-be’s honesty, nervousness and general feelings of vulnerability as her due date approaches, I would like nothing more than to repeatedly dunk her in a giant vat of hand sanitizer while laughing maniacally and singing songs from the Coneheads soundtrack. Her arrogance - though countered by over-the-top sweetness - comes through in every single one of her obnoxious “not-so duh” rules, and I’m having a hard time chalking it all up to “hormones.”

Assuming that anyone will actually want to see her after reading this list o’ demands is bold, but assuming that they’ll be interested in cooking, cleaning and generally kissing her ass is just plain delusional. If anything, I secretly (or “not-so secretly”) hope that one of her friends shows up in a hazmat suit and makes a big production out of the whole thing, handing her a delicious Selfish Bitchcake and a onesie for little m that says, ‘My Mommy Is a Worried Puddle of Mess’.

The fact is, no one wants to visit a friend’s baby if the visit comes with a long list of rules so stringent that they take away from the joy of the occasion. No one wants to be told that “30-45 minutes is really plenty of time” to visit, especially since based on this chick’s attitude I’m guessing anything more than 4-5 minutes would be absolutely excruciating. It’s just not a good way to kick off this new phase in everyone’s life after “m” is born. Why didn’t she just post a status update that said, “The Mombie Apocalypse is upon us. Save yourselves!”? Would’ve been way shorter.

Related: Welcome Baby Liam Party and Baby Shower Gift, Hospital Gift and After-Home Baby Gift

(submitted by Anonymous)