Sorry Your Team Lost: NFL Roundup Week 6

Well, week 6 has come and gone. If your team lost, let’s take just a moment to examine why this happened and how we can prevent future calamities. It may seem like we’re just making fun of them, but it’s coming from a place of love. It’s constructive criticism.

New York Giants

If you were taking diet pills every day but you kept getting fatter and fatter, would you think, “Wow these are great diet pills, I should continue using them this exact same way and change absolutely nothing!” Unless you’re the New York Giants, that answer is probably no. The Giants are now 0-6. If you don’t think Tom Coughlin needs to be let go, here’s a quote from him after the game:

”You’re not going to go back to not throwing the football. That’s not something that’s going to happen. He’s been too successful for so many years throwing the ball.”

That’s true, Tom. Why would you ever think about changing anything on this awful team? Remember after Week 1 when you trashed David Wilson and made him carry a football around all week after his fumbles? It’s odd that you tried to humiliate him, but Eli Manning can throw away more balls than a disgruntled Dick’s Sporting Goods employee and you can’t see any reason to change a thing. There’s a reason you’ve lost every game this season, Tom, and it’s you.

Cleveland Browns

Brandon Weeden is back! Any glimmer of hope the Browns thought they found in Brian Hoyer was quickly disintegrated after Weeden threw an interception that has been described as the worst pass in the history of the NFL. Take a look for yourself (via larrybrownsports):

Good old Weeden panicked in the pocket, scrambled around, then floated up an underhanded pass so bad that upon viewing it, Lebron James announced that leaving Cleveland was the correct move, just so he wouldn’t have to be associated with that pass.

Baltimore Ravens

Despite the Packers losing every wide receiver to injuries and being forced to recruit wideouts from the crowd like some sort of makeshift draft, Aaron Rodgers still threw all over the Raven’s defense. A year ago this would have been considered a Super Bowl preview, but the way Flacco and the Ravens have looked, they’ll be lucky to finish ahead of the Browns in the division. It seems the old saying is true “You can lead a horse to water, but if you take a murderer off the Raven’s defense they’ll struggle to stop most teams in the league.”

Buffalo Bills

EJ Manuel was out with an injury, so Thaddeus Lewis got the start. I suspect that what’s really going on is that the Bills want a new, young quarterback for every game, so if he wins, he can start crying while jumping into the crowd to hug his dad. Unfortunately for Lewis, he lost. The saddest part of watching a Bills game is when the camera pans the crowd and you see adults in Bills jerseys yelling, “Yeah number one! The Bills are number one!” Come on, people, you can’t be serious. Here are some cheers Bills fans could do that are a little more realistic:

– “We’re adequate!”

– “We led the country in gas prices in November, 2009 according to WIVB news!”

– “We aren’t the Giants or the Jets!”

– “We get a lot of snow in the winter!”

Houston Texans

Congratulations, Houston, you have some of the worst fans in sports! Matt Schaub led the Texans to their first playoff appearances and was in the Pro Bowl last year after throwing 22 touchdowns and completing 64% of his passes. Obviously that isn’t the scenario this year, as he’s thrown a pick six in four straight games. The Texans’ fans hit a new low when Schaub went down with an injury and the crowd started cheering.

Well guys, you got what you wished for, enter TJ Yates. In what could only be described as a moment of beauty, Yates immediately threw a pick six. It was breathtaking. What if a gypsy put a curse on the Texans because of their awful fans and now every quarterback will just throw pick sixes until the hair of every vengeful fan has been collected? Of course it could just be that TJ Yates is also a terrible quarterback, but the gypsy thing would be cool, wouldn’t it?



Minnesota Vikings

In one of the most disgsting things you’ll ever hear in sports, most “experts” were predicting Adrian Peterson to have a huge game because his 2-year old son had died a few days before. I’m sure that’s what Peterson was focused on: pleasing his fat, fantasy football owners. The Vikings lost and Peterson put up pedestrian numbers which serves anyone right who tried to capitalize off of a tragedy like this. On a lighter note, Matt Cassell played like Christian Ponder 2.0 and made the Panthers look like an actual football team, which is astounding.

New York Jets

Was anyone excited to watch the zero win Steelers take on the garbage dump Jets? What did they bribe fans with to attend this game? Were they threatened? If you search for highlights of this game online, Google sends an email to all of your friends asking them to come over and spend some time with you because you’re going through a rough patch. The nice thing is both Rob and Rex Ryan lost this week, which means every CiCi’s Pizza within a 50-mile radius will be destroyed with a binge session of hate eating by the bros. I bet Rex burns his mouth all the time because he won’t wait for the pizza to cool off before shoving it into his big, dumb face.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs are just really bad. Josh Freeman isn’t there anymore to be hated, so now I guess they’ll blame their winless season on Tony Dungy leaving in 2001, or maybe it’s because of those stupid Jon Gruden beer commercials where he keeps yelling “Audible!” when things don’t go his way. We can all agree that the only reason Gruden won a championship is because Tony Dungy built an amazing team, right? By the way, is Doug Martin still playing football? He’s seemingly dropped off the map and has become as boring and dull as his name. What was the other choice besides Doug Martin? Vanilla Nap?

Oakland Raiders

The only stat you need to know from this game is that the Chiefs defense sacked Terrelle Pryor TEN TIMES. That’s like a Madden cheat code. Now, of course, you get all of the Chiefs fans talking about how they’re the most dominant team in football. Don’t get me wrong, you’re doing exactly what you need to do, but you haven’t played anyone good yet. That’s not your fault, but I won’t be sold on them until they beat a quality opponent. Right now it’s like the fat 12 year old who’s still in the 4th grade. Just because you’re dominating in dodgeball doesn’t mean you’re a tremendous, gifted athlete. It just means your competition is more focused on getting a juice box than winning the game. Yes, I’m looking at you Eli Manning.

New Orleans Saints

When the Saints took a late lead I grimaced at the thought of that bloated Diamond Dallas Page-looking swamp rat known as Rob Ryan celebrating on the sidelines. I prayed that Sean Payton would reinstall his bounty program and accidently write “Rob Ryan” on a piece of paper. Some people want to go back in time and kill Hitler, I just want to go back and encourage the Ryan brothers to start a bakery or a pest control company. The Saints lost this game because they left way too much time for Tom Brady to mount a comeback. I know Sean Payton was suspended for attempted murder for a year, but did he really forget what Brady can do in a minute? Oh well, at least we got this out of it:



Washington Redskins

I’m in full support of changing the team’s name. As a matter of fact, I have a suggestion. How about the “Washington No One Cares What You Think, Bob Costas So Why Don’t You Stop Forcing Your Opinions Down The Throats Of America And Go Buy Another Plastic Face”? Is that too wordy? As far as the game goes, the Cowboys looked slightly less terrible than the Redskins as RG3 apparently had the opposite surgery on his arm as the kid in “Rookie of the Year.” Mike Shanahan’s face keeps getting so red, I can’t tell where his racist jacket ends and where his hot dog skin begins.



Tennessee Titans

The Titans are like that stupid Imagine Dragons song. No one I know actually likes them and neither of them are entertaining, but for some reason you can’t get away from them or stop hearing about them. This week they had the unfortunate disadvantage of playing the Seahawks in Seattle where they’re unstoppable. Your team turns from Bald Bull to Glass Joe as soon as you enter the stadium. The Titans aren’t terrible, but they’re not good enough to get a win against Seattle. I know all you Titans fans think Chris Johnson is the greatest ever because of that one great season, but someone may want to make sure he’s completely unlocked from the matrix because it looks like something is seriously wrong with him.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Let’s be honest, the Jaguars may have scored less points, but they definitely were not losers. Vegas odds had determined that it was more likely for Peyton Manning to find a hat at Lidz that fit his eggplant shaped head than for the Jags to even be competitive in this game. Obviously they didn’t win because this isn’t a Disney movie, but moral victories may be the closest thing Jacksonville gets this year. Enjoy it you basement dwellers, you’ve earned it!

Arizona Cardinals

Hey here’s an idea the Cardinals probably should have considered during the game: cover Vernon Davis. He had 8 receptions for 180 yards and 2 touchdowns. Carson Palmer had 298 yards and 2 touchdowns which means Vernon Davis basically cancelled out Arizona’s offense. By the way, I’m sure Carson Palmer is a nice guy, but his player photo looks like every suspect on “Law & Order: SVU.”



Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are as inconsistent as Andrew Luck’s breathing patterns. Congratulations to Reggie Wayne for making his 1,000th career reception and to Danny Woodhead for having people giggle at his last name for the 1,000th time. It’s great that San Diego won and all, but no one actually likes this team, do they? I mean at least the Colts get Indiana by default because there’s nothing else there, but I would be shocked if more than 12 Chargers jerseys are sold per year outside of Antonio Gates’ home. At least when Antonio Cromartie was there they could count on him buying a jersey for each of his 200 kids. Even they don’t want Jets jerseys.