Every single year I tell myself I’m not going to do it. I am not going to watch these 30 year old idiots act like 20 year old idiots that go around getting blackout and making out with random people in bars, but yet here we are again. Welcome to my review for season 8 of Vanderpump Rules.

photo courtesy of @stassischroeder

I want to actually start off with the confessional looks because I know they are one of the most important parts of any reality show. Also I’m just really gay and love judging other people’s fashion choices. I won’t be doing the guys because they all look the fucking same and aren’t memorable since Tom Sandoval decided to ditch the sweater vest .

Let’s start off with hashtag OOTD Goddess Stassi. She had the OG special privilege of having two, not one, but two confessional looks in the premiere episode. Play favorites much, Bravo?

photo courtesy of Bravo

Stassi can never go wrong with one shouldered, no shouldered, light colors or satin. They really brings out her looks, especially this outfit. 10/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

Her next look isn’t my favorite but she really does know how to put an outfit together. I mean this girl can go from homeless chic to Grace Kelly being nominated for The Country Girl at the Academy Awards chic (pretend like I just snapped) just like that. 7/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

Ahh Lala Kent. My love and hate for her really does go hand in hand. One day I’m sipping on my baby bottle rooting for her and the next I’m secretly hoping Raquel will remember that Lala called her a “Bambi Eyed Bitch”, still my favorite Pump Rules line EVER, and either throw wine at her, punch her in the face, or at least pinch the bitch. I feel like she tried to channel Dorit’s iconic Chanel look but failed oh so miserably. At this point only Dorit can pull off insane off the wall fashions, but you’re almost there, Lala. 5/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

After being discharged from the hospital for intensive pain due to carrying the entire series of Pump Rules on her back, Kristen decided she wanted to come back for more. I know sometimes for taller women it’s a little hard to find something to always work for your body, but Kristen seemingly always does a fantastic job at it. This, however, is not my favorite look. I’ve seen better from her. 6/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

Scheana is Scheana. I like her but there’s not much more I can say. She will always dress 15 years younger than her actual age. Big hoop earrings? Are you still going through your college hoe phase? Gotta love her. 6/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

Sweet and humble Brittany may not be so much into fashion like Stassi, but she always knows how to put herself together and still look flawless. She dresses for her body type and doesn’t try to try too hard. What can I say? She is a saint and nothing bad should ever be said about her. Also let’s throw in some extra points for her beautiful hair that takes little to no effort to be done. 8/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

My biased hate for Katie is going to ruin this review. Sorry Katie stans. Well…not really. Does she even have any stans? Anyway, I’ll give her points for her hair because it is beautiful and always looks amazing on camera, but this dress is just a little too unflattering for her. Also I hate her. 4/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

Now my biased love for Ariana is going to make this review 100 fucking times better. How can you not love her? The most genuine reality star I’ve ever watched. I will admit I didn’t like her when she had long hair, did I mention I have a hair fetish, but as soon as she cut it I fell in love. Off the shoulder clothing works really well for her, too, and since her hair isn’t long it shows everything off a lot more. Am I the only one who gets turned on from girls with ponytails? I am? Someone find me a therapist . 10/10

photo courtesy of Bravo/me screenshotting from my phone

Speaking of ponytail fetishes, newly employed SURver Raquel decided to pull out all the glam for her confessional look. She looks fucking amazing. The I Dream of Jeannie hair, that Ramona royal blue dress, which makes her fake tan glow even more, and again with the one shouldered look my gay ass loves so much. We have a winner here guys. 10/10

photo courtesy of Bravo

And last and certainly least is Dayna, the new girl. I don’t like her, but we can get into that later in this review. She is a very pretty girl but I feel like this look ages her a little. She looks a thot and a grandmother at the same damn time. Revolutionary. 6/10

Now let’s get into this episode girls and gays —

Since the first 10 minutes or so were leaked, I’m not going to spend a lot of time recapping it. Basically we see the Tom’s entering TomTom and introducing us to Dayna and Max, two of the new kids in town. Tom Sandoval explains that it feels good to walk into his restaurant and actually feel like the boss…until LVP arrives. I mean you do only own 5% of TT but I digress. Schwartz explains to us how TT’s business is booming because of the new employees. I’m sorry but I am fucking in love with Tom Schwartz. Yes, I know he is man child, but he’s America’s Man Child.

We cut to a scene where Dayna is explaining to some random workers that she and Max, who is the general manager at TT, hooked up last night while Max is telling the Toms that he pretty much went to bed. Yep, you guessed it, Max is a dick.

From the trailer and just the first few minutes of the show I’m not really feeling the new kids on the block. They and also their storylines feel like carbon copies of the OGs. Dayna is definitely trying to tackle the “Stassi approach”. Dayna is going to be a bitch her first few seasons if she can last that long and miraculously turn things around during her third season so she can become a fan favorite. Let’s leaving being Stassi to the real Stassi please.

We then pan over to SUR to see Raquel getting ready for her shift in the Pink Room. The show makes TT and SUR look fucking huge but I’ve been to both and they’re rather small so I’m not sure how they have all these different rooms. Raquel is the underdog that we all root for. She’s actually incredibly smart and articulate and I think some of the girls are threatened by that. LVP asks her how James feels about her working at SUR and not him. Raquel says that it’s almost like that little puppy that gets sad when you they know you’re about to leave them. Aww. Look, I like James and rooted for him last season, but he did this himself. I don’t care anymore.

Scheana Shay is seen talking to another new kid in town, Brett. She introduces him to Jax and that’s when we learn that Brittany, Katie, and Ariana no longer “work” at SUR. My God, give me a break. Stassi has exposed the fact that everyone fake works there countless times on her podcast. They actually think we believed that the cast manages to go to Mexico every season and do all these random ass events and still work there? Okay. So now it’s basically just the OGs Scheana and Jax at SUR which means one thing…

AFTER COUNTLESS FUCKING SEASONS SCHEANA IS FINALLY THE QUEEN OF SUR. Homegirl has been waiting for this shit for YEARS and I don’t care if it took her to be almost 40 for it to happen, it finally happened. Congratulations Scheana we are all proud of you. #itsallhappening

So before I go in on Jax, let me just say that I’ve met him and the Toms [enter shameless name dropping photos here]



photos courtesy of me being a drunk bitch

And I just have to say that he was actually super nice and we talked the longest out of all of them, which makes me believe that maybe a lot of his personality is for the show. I think he actually believes that we enjoy loving to hate him which causes him to purposely be an ass. I have to admit that I actually do love to hate him.

Jax is “still bartending” (LOL) at SUR. At this point I just feel like he’s that shitty intern at work that always does horrible but you really like him so you kind of just place him somewhere random hoping he won’t burn the fucking place to the ground.

After some random chit chat, we find out that Scheana and Brett hooked up recently, where he reveals that Scheana is a bad kisser. Ouch. Scheana also lets us know that she had a thing with Max, who just slept with Dayna, and he straight up ghosted her after she got him an Apple Watch for Thanksgiving. Max is a dick.

I have to tell you guys that this whole hooking up with coworkers incest love pool thing isn’t for the show. This shit actually happens. I’ve been working in restaurants since I’ve been 16 and it is 100% real, along with the psycho drama that comes with it. You get close to these people because you always have to work with them and you really do start to consider them to be apart of your family. But then you go out with them, get drunk and horny, and say “oh wait…you’re not my real sister! Let’s fuck!”

Witches of WEHO? DONEZO —

Stassi and Beau Beau decide to have a date night at TT. She talks about the death of her grandmother. My heart hurts for her. LVP comes over and kicks Beau Beau out for some one on one time with Stassi. They have come a long fucking way people. LVP gives her her condolences and recognizes how far Stassi has come in her confessional. “Basic Selling Bitch” was pretty hilarious I can’t lie. They change the subject and begin to shit talk Kristen. Stassi says she’s outgrown Kristen. Stassi you outgrew her 5 seasons ago.

We head over to Stassi and Beau Beau’s apartment as she gets ready to go to her grandmother’s funeral. She talks about how she wants to be stuffed like a dead fucking animal when she’s dead and how she wants her funeral to be haunted house themed. Beau Beau tells us that this shit is fucking weird but he loves Stassi so he just pretends like it’s okay. She really does deserve him. I hope they last long. I love seeing them together. Stassi tells Beau Beau that she’s going to talk to Kristen tomorrow and hopefully they’ll make up. Good luck on that, Stassi.

Stassi goes over to talk to Kristen about their recent fallout over Carter. I know it seems weird that the cast is still fighting over stuff from last year but keep in mind that after the reunion is filmed they start filming the new season a few weeks after so this is all fairly new drama. Kristen looks like she’s been crying, which she has, because an hour before Carter was over. Stassi and Kristen get right down to business. Okay I’m going to go ahead and say that I am going to be completely hypocritical about Stassi v Kristen. I see both sides.

The funniest part about this whole episode was Stassi calling Kristen out about Carter still living with her and Kristen still sleeping with him even though they’re broken up . All Kristen could say was “yeah he is” or “yeah we still are”. LOL. Kristen is a crazy ass bitch that I will forever love. Stassi is definitely right about Kristen dropping Carter. I’ve been there before with two best friends, whose names I won’t repeat unless you ask me and it sucks. You want to be there for them and want to support them but the constant back and forth and giving the same advice over and over again is fucking exhausting. It gets to a point where you can’t keep hearing the same shit about their shitty fucking relationship and it makes you volatile towards them. You want the best for them but it pisses you off that they don’t want the best for themselves.

On the other hand, Kristen is a ride or die, there is no denying that. She’s always there for her friends and always ready to kill anyone who fucks with them. She was there for Stassi through the Jax stuff, even though Kristen fucked him, and she was there for the Patrick stuff too. If you’ve been watching Pump Rules since the beginning, then you know both of those relationships were shit shows. Stassi should definitely be a little more sympathetic when it comes to dealing with their relationship. Ugh I love them both just fucking make up already. They do make up on this episode, but when I talked to Jax [insert name drop photos above] he told me that they were still not talking and that this situation gets way worse. That was in November.

Random things I don’t care that much about —

We head over to Villa Blanca to find Lala paying LVP a visit. I have to say I didn’t like LVP on RHOBH but there is something different about her on Pump Rules. I can tolerate it.

They bring up Randall, who we will be seeing later this season. If Andy really wanted the ratings to skyrocket he’d bring 50Cent on the show. Lala talks about being 7 months sober. That is incredible. Being from a family that has a huge drinking and drug problem, I know how hard it is to stay sober. I’m proud of her.

The main thing they discuss is her relationship with James. They are still in a bad place. I never cared for them as a duo but I do hate to see close friends fallout. LVP thinks Lala should talk to him about becoming sober and Lala lets her know that just because she’s sober doesn’t mean she can make him become sober. I like Lala this episode. By the way, James isn’t an alcoholic. He’s a drunk. We’ll get into that more later on this season.



I’M THE NUMBER ONE GUY IN THIS GROUP! I THINK —

Forgot to mention that Stassi also brings up the fact that Sandoval/Ariana, Schwartz/Katie, and Jax/Brittany’s houses all look the same. They literally all fucking look the same.

We get some cutaways of the house trio as we see them doing day to day house things like us regular folks. Sandoval and Jax discuss their rift with their significant others. It was mentioned earlier but Jax demoted Sandoval from being his best man after Sandoval didn’t attend his pre-bachelor party because he was too busy visiting his family. Jax is a fucking teenage girl. Jax gives us his best Stassi impression after he constantly brings up how it’s HIS FUCKING WEDDING and Sandoval is acting like he barely cares. I have to say I’m on Jax’ side with this. This is a big moment for him and Sandoval does seem like could care less. Sandoval talks about how Jax has to constantly one up all of his accomplishments. Jax does this. The whole group has discussed it. Schwartz talks about how it’s too much responsibility for him to be the only best man. Please never change Schwartz.

IT’S ALSO MY FUCKING HOUSEWARMING PARTY!! —

While we got those amazing cutaways of the cast being human beings, we see Schwartz and Katie discuss their upcoming housewarming party. Can I just say I’m mad at myself for not expecting at least one of these bitches to have a housewarming party? Anyway, they talk about the guest list and Kristen and Carter come up. This is where Katie pisses me the fuck off. She talks about how Kristen and Carter still live together and how they’re not really broken up and how she needs to get her life together. Katie you’re not even legally married. Shut up. Schwartz points out that he’s going to leave Kristen’s life up to Kristen, which is the smart thing to do.

The housewarming party is here and everyone starts to arrive. It’s the same kind of Pump Rules party they always have, nothing special. Well, there are a few things:

Max and Brett have a conversation where Brett respectfully lets Max know that he and Scheana aren’t a thing and that he doesn’t want it to be weird between the two of them. Bros. Max then completely trashes Scheana saying she’s boy crazy she is and that he didn’t really want to be involved with her but his dick, I’m assuming, missed her. This guy is a fucking dick. Who even let him on this show? He reminds me of that loser high school asshole who graduates and decides to rush in college because he thinks being an asshole in a frat is even cooler. It’s not Max. You’re a dick.

Katie overhears this and snitches to Scheana about it. She confronts Max and he back peddles, of course, and ends up apologizing. She literally got you an Apple Watch you twat and you trashed her. I can’t even get someone to buy me a fucking iPod Nano.

Peter pulls Dayna over to the side to make sure they’re okay because last year they made out in a bathroom together. Dayna denies this and says she would remember making out with a pirate. That was kind of funny. I don’t like Dayna so I don’t really care about who made out with her. Fun fact Dayna was on season 7 of Pump Rules. Another fun fact is that production literally searched for some hot girls at a bar just to put them in a scene with the guys to cause conflict for a storyline. Dayna just so happened to be one of them. Hehe. Max also pulls Dayna over and asks her out on a date. Dayna is hesitant because she heard that Scheana and Max were going on a couples trip together. He lies and says they’re just friends so Dayna still agrees to go on the date because Max makes her “twitterpaded”. What the fuck is twitterpaded.

Tom and Jax talk outside about how Jax is always one upping him. It’s so funny watching Jax try to explain himself out of fucked up things he’s done/said. He goes into another IT’S MY FUCKING WEDDING spew. He upgrades Sandoval to best man again. Jax is a bridezilla.

Carter arrives and this is when things get interesting. Katie and Lala have a conversation about Kristen and Carter where Katie informs her that she’s being manipulated by Carter. Lala decides to take it upon herself to get the tea. Lala gets right into business and basically accuses Carter of being a sugar baby he is one . I mean it’s not your business but you are right you BJ killer you. Carter points out that this whole situation is two sided and Lala pretends like she just now realizes that it is. It’s fucking Kristen you really think she’s innocent in this situation? How many seasons have you been on again, Lala?

Kristen asks Carter what he and Lala talked about and he tells her that Lala basically says he needs to get the fuck out. This pisses Kristen off because again she is in love and doesn’t care what her friends think. Kristen turns into the devil and decides to confront Lala about intervening in her relationship. Lala starts doing her thing where she thinks she knows all the answers to everything. Kristen calls Lala a fucking bitch and Lala explodes. I kind of wanted Lala to push her again that would have been awesome. Katie, who no one was talking to by the way, starts screaming in Kristen’s ear about how Kristen tells everyone that Stassi and Katie are pieces of shit and Kristen is the best friend anyone could ever have. She then storms out and the episode ends. I’ve fucking missed these people.

Thanks for reading my opinions that everyone probably doesn’t care about. Be sure to follow my blog and my instagram, @hautehomo_, for more!