

Review contributed to Death Metal Underground by Lucius Vorenus.

BLASPHAMAGOATACHRIST is the kind of music that’s so stupid that it has to have a cult following…

Tyrannic Empire is a fucking retard beer can smashing album for people whose sole political opinion is that it should be okay to say “faggot” in a genuinely derisive manner while using your Canadian tar sands money to buy every male sex toy on the Amazon wishlist of the tranny you fantasize about proposing to over Big Bites and a six pack of Mickey’s.

War metal is a scene such that a pudgy, middle-aged bald guy can prance onstage in the gas mask he gets flogged in on Fridays to try to score a Hepatitis C infection from a thirty something industrial goth fan with facial piercings. Him fucking up the two to three chord bouncy hardcore riffs as he took a hit right before the set won’t matter as long as he can make the noises female hippopotamuses utter during childbirth while shouting out how he is a “totally unfuckwithable” member of the master race between songs even though he’s goal for the night is to eat out a “woman” who would be considered a hideous health hazard even on a British Antarctic research station.

Here’s a hot take: almost all war metal sucks, and the scene is predominantly funded by disability checks and construction money. Even 3 Inches of Blood purvey the spirit of warfare better than all these bestiality-minded, pig-fucker bands.

Hey man check out my war metal album! I decided I wanted it to sound like how my Canadian girlfriend’s skin tastes after she gets done working on oil rigs. Maybe if we go big playing this totally boring style where we write three new thrash riffs in our whole careers, I can get with more fat dysfunctional metal chicks with cow tits melting over their fat fucking guts obscuring their groin acne and because we’re PRIMITIVE man. Shit yes I’ll fuck a tranny, I’ll fuck a dog, I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOOVES *SOUND OF BULL GETTING RAPED*

Tags: beer metal, blasphamagoatachrist, demo, homosexuality, noise, nuclear war now! productions, nwn, NWN/FMP, poseurs, review, scenesters, trends mosh core fun, War Metal, youtube