CHICAGO—Claiming that he alone represents the key to the team finally winning a championship, infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman announced Thursday that he must be killed in order to break the organization’s World Series curse. “I am writing today to inform you all that, in order to end this 106-year-long title drought, you must find me, and you must kill me,” read the statement released by Bartman’s lawyer, which went on to say that as long as he lives and breathes, “so too does the Cubs’ curse go on.” “I must be killed by a dagger, clutched in the hand of a true Cubs fan, plunged directly into my heart, and only then can the Cubs win a World Series title. Be warned: Should I be killed by any other means, the curse will last for another 100 years. I will be here waiting for you.” Bartman then concluded the statement with, “Go Cubbies!”

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