It’s the holiday season, which means that as much as 9.2% of the population will wind up being taught a supernatural lesson about charity & generosity. But, unless your name is Ebeneezer Scrooge, it’s not always obvious when it’s happening to you! So, we compiled this handy list of five ways to know if you’re getting Carol’d this Christmas:

You are a wealthy, lonely miser. This is a pretty reliable indicator that you might be getting Carol’d. 99% of all wealthy misers need to learn that money isn’t everything, and because they’re so rich & special, God is willing to send ghosts to teach them lessons, instead of just ruining their lives like with poorer sinners. Lucky you! You are confronted by the ghost of your dead business partner warning you of three other ghosts to follow. Yikes. This is never a good sign. If your ex-partner shows up moaning, in chains, full of ill portent, there’s a strong chance that, uh, yeah, you’re probably getting Carol’d. You meet the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, & Future. If you meet supernatural beings during the holidays, you’re definitely at the center of a Christmas-themed morality play. However, unless you meet all three Ghosts of Christmas specifically, you’re not getting Carol’d. If you meet, say, an angel, then you’re actually getting Wonderful Life’d. Unless that angel tells you you’re pregnant, in which case, you’re getting Bible’d. You ask a boy what day it is; it is Christmas Day, & you buy a goose. This one speaks for itself — though some purists insist that it’s only a Carol if you buy a turkey. We say, whatever poultry you buy, if you have a street urchin do it after asking what day it is? Yeah. You’re gettin’ Carol’d. God blesses us, every one. This is the topper to any Carol’ing. If you weren’t sure even after the being a miser, meeting the ghosts, & buying a goose, then God blessing us, every one, is the final confirmation that you have indeed been Carol’d.

That’s it! If you don’t meet those five criteria, rest easy, because you’re not living through a Christmas Carol. Phew! Have you ever been Carol’d? Did it work, or do you still suck? Let us know in the comments below! And Merry Christmas to all!