SYDNEY—a mentally ill Iranian-Australian man with a long criminal history today took hostages inside a café here. The initial threat assessment of “Moderate” was then upgraded to “Unbelievably, Incredibly High” when he unfurled a black flag with the Islamic profession of faith on it.

“Look, some guy waving a gun around, threatening people, that’s no big deal,” said a spokesman for the New South Wales police. “But when we found out that he had a largely made-up superficial connection to Islam, then we decided it was time for some old-fashioned national panic.”

The gunman, Man Haron Manis, was well-known to the authorities for sending incoherent denunciations to the police and espousing bizarre conspiracy theories. He was on bail for sexual assault charges and involvement in the murder of his ex-wife. “We would have kept an eye on him,” said the police spokesman, “but we didn’t know he owned a black flag.”

Executing a well-prepared plan, Australian police descended in force, closed down the center of the city, and then milled about all day, wondering what to do next. Explaining why more than two hundred officers in full armor were considered necessary, the spokesman pointed out that “We have all this cool deadly combat gear. What are we supposed to do, not use it?” Pressed further, he offered the possibility that Manis “might have transformed into a deadly robot ninja or something.”

The siege ended around 2am, when police stormed the café and shot Manis dead.

“We didn’t know what the hat meant,” said authorities