Minister for Home Affairs and part time ominous presence Peter Dutton has today hit back at claims that he was personally behind police raids on two media organisations, in retaliation for damaging leaks about war crimes committed by the Australian Defence Force. Stating that he had “no involvement whatsoever” in the decision to raid the ABC, Dutton said that he would make it a top priority to raid the country’s news organisations to find out where such claims were coming from.

“The fact is, as Home Affairs minister, I am constantly in the dark about what the people under me are doing,” explained Dutton, “The fact that the AFP seem to be acting in a way that is advantageous to a particular political party is entirely of their doing, and therefore nobody should be alarmed.”

“Yes, these raids may have been in the planning for months, and yes it does seem awfully politically convenient that they happened just weeks after the federal election, but the fact is they were a necessary part of the work of our nation’s federal police, and far be it from me to stand in their way. I mean, can you imaging living in a country where members of powerful secretive government organisations think they can just whistleblow to the media every time there is a serious breach of ethics, or every time the military engages in a light bout of war crimes? I shudder to think what the implications would be if we allowed deeds like that to go unpunished.”

“Now if anyone needs me, I’ll be in my lair.”