As one of the leading lights of the social justice movement, I consider it a moral obligation to inform my disciples of innovative new ways to demonstrate their superiority in moral and political correctness over conservatives, and the proletariat in general.

Such an opportunity has just presented itself. Late last week, it was reported that the mayor of Memphis, TN wants to dig up the body of Nathan Bedford Forrest and his wife and bury them somewhere else.

Forrest, in case you don’t know, was a military genius and considered one of the best generals for the Confederacy during the American civil war. His approach to guerilla warfare and unconventional tactics are studied at military colleges to this day.

But Forrest is controversial for his early membership in the Ku Klux Klan and possible leadership position in that heinous organisation. Towards the end of his life he did distance himself from the Klan, but like so many people of his time — Democrats, especially — his legacy is, it cannot be denied, tainted by that odious membership.

A.C. Wharton, the mayor of Memphis, apparently feels that removing the Confederate general and former KKK member from where he has been buried for more than 110 years will fix the lives of the citizens of predominantly black Memphis.

There’s just one problem with this line of reasoning. Murder is up 17 per cent year over year, and in Memphis murder is overwhelmingly a result of black-on-black crime.

But let’s not dwell on trivia. Sure, Mayor Wharton seems to value symbolism over substance, but nonetheless his idea is surely noble. How can we end these ill-gotten gravestone gains? How can we end “reap culture” in our lifetimes? What should we do to fight entrenched “burial privilege”?

The answer is simple. We dig up the bodies of anyone we find retroactively offensive and move their sorry remains somewhere out of sight, like a public library. #WeWillOverturn

Here is a modest first proposal as to who is guilty of coffin appropriation — the people I feel most deserve to suffer the indignity of a sepulchre shuffle.

Elvis Presley

Elvis is Memphis’s most famous son, and also an unrepentant appropriator of black musical culture, not to mention his fashion crimes later in life. Dig him up, say I!

King Otto of Greece

The first monarch of modern Greece, and no doubt just as quick to run up a tab and offer an IOU as Greece’s current leaders. Besides, it is always fashionable to blame previous generations for our problems. As an upstanding and patriotic philhellene, I insist that Otto be disinterred.

Sacagawea

As the guide and interpreter for the Lewis & Clark expedition, Sacagawea is almost single-handedly responsible for the white-washing of America. Talk about a race traitor!

Theodore “Dr. Seuss” Geisel

Dr. Seuss’s books are beloved by children, but not so much by the adults who are pestered into reading them aloud. Also can be held responsible for intolerable Hollywood productions based on his works.

Betsy Ross

Not only did she create the America Flag, which triggers millions of people around the world daily, she did it while reinforcing traditional gender roles as a seamstress. Thus, an enemy of feminism and a thought criminal of the highest order.

Sir Winston Churchill

When the — how should I put it? — trans-beautiful Lady Astor accused Churchill of being drunk, he is said to have replied: “I am, Madam. But you are very ugly and tomorrow morning I shall be indisputably sober.” No life achievement can possibly make up for this monstrous act of patriarchal indifference.

Abraham Lincoln

Let’s be clear about one thing: this strong independent trans-black lesbian don’t need no white man emancipating her!

Joan of Arc

Joan may be a Catholic saint, but her behaviour was deeply problematic. Joan’s rugged agency and military victories just don’t fit the ideals of third-wave intersectional feminism. Sorry, but she has to go.

Sir Francis Drake

By circumnavigating the globe, Drake inadvertently violated dozens of safe spaces, triggering citizens to the extent that they named him “El Draque” and offered 20,000 ducats (£4 million) for his head.

Adolf Hitler

No list of this sort is complete without mentioning Hitler. True, he gets points for being a vegetarian — and a socialist. But he was pretty nasty to the Jews. Maybe the Mayor of Memphis thinks that removing a bit of dirt around Hitler’s rotting corpse would bring back the 6 million? I ask merely for information.

Now go forth, disciples, and stand bravely against the horror of burial privilege!

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