FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT

In a further bid to lower the rate of COVID-19 infection, the Department of Health has taken the unprecedented step of slashing the ‘3 Second Rule’ by over 30% to a mere 2.0 seconds.

Under the change, any food which stays on the floor for more than 2 seconds is to be immediately discarded and is not to be eaten under any circumstances.

Although it has not been confirmed, sources suggest that Health Department officials may be despatched to random residences at mealtimes with stopwatches to accurately calculate the ‘floortime’ of fallen foodstuffs.

The ‘3 Second Rule’, or, to use it’s full name, the ‘Bacteria Transmission Accord of 1975’ was a gentleman’s agreement achieved after extensive negotiation between the Whitlam Government and the Federated Council of Bacteria.

Under the terms of the agreement, bacterium must wait at least 3 seconds before migrating to food products accidentally dropped onto the floor, whilst humans are permitted to eat the food only if it has spent less than 3 seconds on the floor.

This announcement marks the first time since the agreement was signed that the 3 second time period has been reduced. A spokesgerm from the Council of Bacteria said it was offended the Government had made the changes without consulting the council and all bacterium would continue to follow the original 3 second time period.

In a statement issued yesterday the Council of Bacteria warned: “We do not agree to this change which we feel will negatively affect our members. The original agreement was drafted in good faith and we have respected it for over 45 years. Slashing the transmission time to 2 seconds will have a devastating effect on elderly or differently-abled bacterium who will struggle to reach inadvertently-dropped food in time. We reject the changes and will continue to follow the original 3-second time frame as per the 1975 agreement”.

A press conference scheduled for 10 am this morning is to explain the Department of Health’s position regarding this response was unexpectedly cancelled after the speaker suddenly suffered simultaneous bouts of meningitis, E-coli, pneumonia and salmonella.