Are they going to go down on me? God, I hope so. Blowjobs are so cool. Oh, look at that, they’re kissing my stomach. I guess I better suck in a little bit. Now they’re kissing around my hips and are almost to my penis. Oh my god, they’re like two kisses away from landing on my actual penis. Here they go, getting closer and closer. Closer. CLOSER. And… wait, where is their mouth going? Come back! Did they just do a drive-by? Shit. Okay, I guess I have to wait before they decide to make their way back down there again. It’s like Cher says in Clueless when they go to that party in the Valley: “Let’s do a lap around the area before we commit to a location.” The same goes for giving head.

I’m waiting…

Still waiting.

Jesus, they’re giving my clavicle head before they even touch my penis.

Okay, now I think they’re going in.

Oh, oh! And we have contact! A mouth is definitely on my penis. Thank god, No backing out now! You’ve signed the blowjob contract with your tongue and now you’re stuck with my dick! Ha ha! (P.S. I love you.)

Hmm.

Well, this is weird. I don’t feel anything.

I’m looking down and I can clearly see that they’re doing things to my penis but why isn’t it translating? My brain is not registering this blowjob. It’s #NotClearOn me getting head right now.

Oh god, now I know why. They’re not using their hands! They’re treating my dick with the utmost care when really all it needs is to get beat up a bit. Penises aren’t fragile, you know! They’re designed to survive wars! Have you ever seen a guy jack off before? They’re basically just murdering their penis until cum comes out of it. That’s what it is, a murder, and honey when you’re giving me head, I WANT YOU TO KILL MY DICK. I want it to be barely breathing by Duncan Sheik. Smack it around a little bit, give it a black eye. Don’t be shy, just give it a try!

Okay, now they’re using their hands. Oh, this feels damn good. I especially like it when they go down on my dick and then break for air, using their fresh saliva as lubrication to jack me off. That moment almost brings me to cum town but I resist blowing my load because I want the BJ to last longer. Granted, I don’t want it to last too long. That would be rude. Giving a blowjob can be a nightmare, I know from personal experience, so I empathize. You gotta be respectful of the work that goes into it and make sure you cum under a certain time limit. If you’re nervous about being able to do so, be a cheerleader for your own penis by screaming, “You can do it, dick! I believe in you! Cum, cum, cum!”

Shit, now that I think about it, I think I might be taking too long to cum. I see them working so hard down there. They’re sweating and making obligatory moaning noises. I know that they must be thinking, “Jesus, hurry the fuck up and cum so we can order Thai food and watch a Pay-Per-View movie.” They hate this. They’re exhausted. I’m a failure for not cumming in an appropriate amount of time!

Uh-oh, I’m starting to feel anxiety. This isn’t good. Anxiety is the silent killer of any sexual experience. It ruins everything. I just feel so bad that they’re down there working their ass off and I’m just laying back and doing nothing. I should be contributing somehow. After all, this is a recession! You got to pull your own weight. Their job is to suck my dick and my job is to cum, and so far I’m not holding up on my end of things.

Okay, now my anxiety about cumming is preventing me from actually cumming. I’m so frustrated. I’d tell my brain to go suck my dick but…

Okay, I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to go to my favorite fantasy in my brain to get myself back on track. La la la, dee, dee, dee. Okay, I’m there. Things feel good. Now I’m inching towards semen. I can sense it.

Oh my god, wait, I think I’m almost there. I better scream it! There. I screamed it.

Wait, false alarm. Shit. “JK!” I squeak.

OK, now I’m almost there for real. My leg is even doing that weird leg cramp thing it does before I climax. It’s sort of painful actually.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god semen is traveling through me and about to land somewhere that’s not inside my body yes yes yes yes!

My toes curl up, my head goes back, and boom, we’re having a baby! Just kidding. I just came in your hair. God, that felt good.

Wait, what are you doing? Are you still jacking me off after I cum? Please don’t. My dick is very sensitive right now and touching it is causing my body to twitch. I’m seriously twitching! Hands off my penis! It’s in a weird place right now.

Oh, thank god, they saw my leg twitching and took that as a cue to stop. Now we’re just lying there exhausted. I feel like I ran a marathon, even though I didn’t even move. That was great. I’m so proud of both of us for that successful blowjob. We’re two sexually healthy human beings. We’ve been validated.

Now let’s order some Thai.