SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast. “I asked them which items they’d like to see on our new breakfast menu, and they almost universally said cookie crumbles and pizza, and I’m not sure they meant separately,” a visibly distraught Pendersen said, noting that even the proposed sausage and pepper jack breakfast burrito was received tepidly until it was served on a double stack of pancakes and received four ladles of melted nacho cheese. “Do you know what it’s like listening to a full-grown adult make the case for gummi worms on waffles or just flat-out suggest we find a way to make oatmeal more like a meatball sub? I’m just…I’m just not sure I can do another one of these.” At press time, Pendersen was shuddering at the memory of the resounding approval the focus group had given him after he jokingly introduced the idea of just deep-frying a sack of sugar.

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