Change Your Self-Talk, Change Your Life

“I am, by calling, a dealer in words; and words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” —Rudyard Kipling

I was instantly taken by the science of self-talk and emotion, but one instance in particular blew me away. During my first year at college, Yvonne was head of the Psychology Department, but she soon moved to Ghent University, and we lost contact for several months. When I eventually emailed her, she asked me if I wanted to chat via Skype. As much as I wanted to, I was terrified of Skype and declined.

I had never done a video call before, but there was another reason I was fearful of it, one I was completely unaware of. How we speak, especially when talking to ourselves, is grounded in our history. That is, our decisions are reinforced by what has worked, or what has appeared to work, in the past, and this determines our future behavior. Staying out of sight had served me well in addiction, and this was driving my fear of taking part in the call. Yvonne realized this and sent me an email with a hidden intervention.

Before she had gone to Ghent, we had spent many hours in her office talking about language and emotion. These were some of the most inspiring conversations of my life, and Yvonne used them as the focus of her intervention. In what first seemed like an overly repetitive email, she linked the proposed Skype call with our previous meetings.

The email went something like this:

Hi Brian, don’t be worrying about Skype. It’s easy. It’s just like our conversations in the office. We’ll have a great chat about language and emotion and it will be fun. Skype is so simple when you think of it. It’s exactly the same as our previous meetings. It will be just like we are sitting in my office. We’ll be still face-to-face. It’s so easy. It will be great fun, exactly like our previous chats.

After reading the email, I thought to myself: “That sounds so simple. What the hell was I afraid of? I can’t wait to Skype Yvonne.”

As I stood up to put away my laptop, it hit me: “Holy shit! What the hell just happened?” In the space of a few minutes, my fear of Skype had not just vanished, but been flipped on its head. “How is this possible? Is Yvonne some kind of wizard?”

When I sat down to read the email again, I recognized what she had done. It was genius. In RFT terms, Yvonne had relationally coordinated our office chats with the proposed Skype call. As a result, the psychological properties of “easy,” “fun,” and “relaxed” were transferred over to Skype.

My self-talk had shifted, and so had my willingness to act.

This is a difficult intervention to implement on your own, and I had a wizard to help me. However, below are four techniques that can help you change your self-talk and, as a result, change how you feel and act.

1. Reframe your self-talk

“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.” — Emo Philips

We all have a story, and it is written with the words we use. If you tell yourself you’re depressed, you’re going to act accordingly. If you tell yourself you suffer from anxiety, it’s likely that you will. It is therefore critical to choose your words carefully, especially when talking to yourself.

In a world full of distractions, our stories about procrastination have become particularly problematic, with many people crippled by an inability to act. I’m certainly not immune to this modern-day phenomenon, and as I sat in my kitchen writing this article, I found myself struggling with this very thing.

The sections above took me over a week to piece together. Distracted on many fronts — some important, some not — my self-talk sounded something like this: “Maybe I should start tomorrow,” “Maybe it’s best if I do X first,” “Am I hungry?,” “Oh, I’ll just check my social media first. Then I’ll get back into it.”

When this kind of internal dialogue goes unchecked, nothing gets done. When you do catch it, however, it is vital that you act. I simply switch all of the above with “Just do it,” or, if I’m feeling less motivated, I’ll say “Let’s just make a start.” Sometimes a start is all you need, and momentum will take care of the rest.

Less obvious language that can stop you taking action should also be avoided. For example, reactive words and phrases such as “I can’t,” “if only,” “I must,” or “he/she made me feel like that” should be replaced with proactive words and phrases such as “I will,” “I choose to,” and “let’s look at this another way.” This practice is empowering, and when you make the switch, even your posture will change.

In challenging situations, you should also track the questions you ask yourself. For instance, replacing “why me?” (head-based) with “what can I do about this?” (action-based) will instill in you a sense of strength, directing you toward corrective action rather than being blocked by worrying about your problems.

2. Challenge your self-talk

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” — Hafiz

I used to struggle with public speaking. For days before a presentation, I’d fill myself with all kinds of anxiety-inducing self-talk. “What if you faint on stage?” “What if you have a panic attack?” “What if you can’t stop sweating?”

What do you think happened on the day of the presentation? Damn right, I was crippled with anxiety. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, or, as Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

This experience is very different for me today. When irrational self-talk enters my mind, I identify and dispute it immediately. When I do this, it quickly becomes clear how irrational it is. I have never fainted in my entire life. I’ve only ever had one panic attack. And as for sweating on stage, who cares. Most people wouldn’t notice anyway, and you can always wear black.

Source: Having conquered public speaking, this is a 90-second clip of my first big corporate talk, during which I called out Russell Brand.

But of course not all self-talk is irrational or off-the-wall. Before a presentation, my internal chatter might say: “This is going to be nerve-wracking,” which is often true. When this occurs, I use a form of reappraisal in which I replacing “nerve-wracking” with “exciting.” This tactic works well in many stressful situations, as it’s often our interpretation of events (i.e., the language we use to describe them) rather than the event that determines our emotions and behavior.

3. The power of metaphor

“Unless you are educated in metaphor, you are not safe to be let loose in the world.” — Robert Frost

Metaphors, which refer to one thing by mentioning another, provide an excellent tool for explaining difficult concepts. For example, when explaining how atoms work, you might say that “an electron circles around a nucleus in the same way that a planet circles around the sun.” From an RFT perspective, we are relating (as similar) a well-known entity (the solar system) to a lesser-known entity (an atom) to better describe how the latter works.

Metaphors can also be used on a psychological level to explain abstract concepts such as anxiety, acceptance, and suffering. When used correctly, the psychological properties of one reference point transfer over to the other, thus providing people with a more concrete understanding of their problems.

Here are two examples. First, a person struggling with anxiety will often try to fight back against it. But this only creates more anxiety. A great metaphor for this is a tug-of-war with an anxiety monster. You have one end of the rope, and the monster has the other. In between you, there’s a bottomless pit. You pull as hard as you can, but the monster is stronger and pulls you closer to the pit. You’re stuck. What should you do?

Drop the rope.

Yes, the monster’s still there, but you’re no longer in a struggle with him. It’s the same for anxiety. When you stop struggling, you rob it of its power.

That brings us to our second example. Many people resist change. They might genuinely want to change, especially if they’re struggling, but persist in the very behavior that caused their problems in the first place. Think, for example, of an alcoholic who continues to drink or someone with social anxiety who refuses to leave the house.

The “person in a hole” metaphor describes the situation such people encounter best:

A person aimlessly wanders into a field full of holes. Disoriented by past experiences, he falls into a big one. The sides are steep, and he can’t get out. But he’s lucky: he has a toolbox with him. Without thinking, he takes out a shovel and tries to dig himself out. This obviously doesn’t work, so he starts digging with greater intensity. But this just leaves him deeper in the hole. Feeling dejected, he gives up. Suddenly, like a blessing from the skies, a person walks by with a ladder and throws it into the hole. Finally, some luck. But what does he do? He picks up the ladder and tries to use it to dig himself out of the hole.

For individuals stuck in such situations, this metaphor can help them to better understand their problems and, hopefully, change their ways.

See this link for a list of metaphors used by therapists and a practitioner’s guide used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

4. Practice self-observation

“Dialogue is about creating awareness through self-observation; it starts from the inside out, not the outside in.” —Oli Anderson

Instead of trying to change how you think, sometimes it’s best to practice self-observation. This simply means mindfully observing how you think and feel.

For example, if I asked you to observe your bodily sensations, you might take a step back and focus on a specific area, such as your breath. If I asked you what you were thinking (i.e., about your self-talk), you could observe this too. You might be planning for the week ahead, worrying about money, or doing something else; regardless of what this internal chatter might be, it’s possible to take a step back and observe it. It’s the same for feelings. If I asked you how you felt, you could take a step back and observe this.

The point is, you can take an observer’s perspective of your self-talk, feelings, and bodily sensations. However, when you do this, you must simply observe, without engaging. Like the blue sky watching clouds drift by or the person on the riverbank watching the leaves float past, you watch your thoughts come and go, without engaging in them. This is important. Be the blue sky. Be the observer.

When you practice self-observation regularly, you will create a sense of detachment from challenging self-talk and emotions, and when they do arise, they will no longer consume you.