After I met my last boyfriend, I thought I’d struck gold. He was always courteous and gentlemanly, but unfortunately had racked up a decent body count. Once he word-vomited all of his sexcapades to my less experienced ears, I never wanted to hear about another guy’s sex history ever again because it put nothing but unnecessary pressure on the entire relationship. Here’s why you and him should keep your sex life quiet:

You’ll be hella jealous of him

I have yet to lift a finger into the world of tush action because my exes have revealed (and ruined) too many stories about performance. Gross stuff, group stuff, and discussing bodily fluids going places my virgin dreams hadn't even (wet) dreamt of yet.

Aaaaaaeeeiiiiii

don’t care about your sex life.

Don’t tell me

you want to cheat on your fiancé.

I don’t

want

to

know. — Sam (@sammy_phoenix) January 31, 2018

I don’t want to know how badly I need to try out a threesome. Especially from my boyfriend because he’s experienced it without me. It’s no fun hearing how great the movie was before actually watching it for yourself.

You're paranoid you won't be as good as their exes

There's nothing that can make you feel more insecure than self-measuring up against an ex who "did it all." Plus, nothing makes you feel sicker than involuntary, intrusive images of your current partner getting it on with someone else. Trust me, it'll just lead you to some girl's cousin's 2013 Instagram pictures and three sleeves of Oreos.

We 3 years in. I don't want to know if he cheated the 1st week or month we started dating lol this ain't high school — Stush Brownin (@PrototypeWright) June 5, 2016

With one of my exes, I felt like I was too lame to be dating him because most of his exes had already lost their v-card in the school's back stairwell. I was timid, and holding on to mine as long as I could. I enjoyed being a teen with a boyfriend, but my naive self thought my sex game wasn't up to par with all the other girls in my class. I didn't give it up, though — I just had low self-esteem and sought out my Tumblr for advice every day.

You won’t trust him to stay within boundaries

My ex is really trying to tell me I don’t deserve to be happy & I’m the reason he cheated fool be quiet dont be all miserable hating me just because you’re left with nothing, in debt, & have zero to be proud of. I’m gonna keep doing me & what makes me happy. Take your L & exit ? pic.twitter.com/ZtVJGz7lia — Jessica M Calzada (@yiskahh_) February 26, 2018

My boyfriends have typically been way more experienced than I was, and that's fine. But after a guy’s done bragging about his sex history, that gives them a way in to practice his moves on you. Men are always testing me and my boundaries to see how far they can get, but that’s when I have to give them a hard nudge in the balls.

One guy I encountered just went ahead and tried to eat out in places I did not allow him jurisdiction. And when I tried to tell him I didn’t like it or enjoy it, he brushed me off entirely and left. Who knew he'd be so butt-hurt over eating butt? If I didn’t ask for it, then please do not tell.

He thinks you should tell him your own sex history

Emotional intimacy is great, we all need to be in touch with our feelings, blah blah blah. Honey, that’s just shouldn't be the case when it comes to sex. Just because a guy wants to air out his dirty laundry, that doesn’t mean I should have to suffer the same fate.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me” Don’t own her. Kupal haha.

Eto pa is "I thought you cheated on me so i cheated on you" eh gago! Oh please…..Thats always such a bullshit excuse of justifying cheating. Gago! — Elizabeth Maruya (@bethitxu) February 26, 2018

Guys have this problem where they think the best option is for you both is to expose every tongue you've ever tied so no one (read: just him) feels bad about what they have or haven’t done. My thoughts and feelings on that are I'm not down with providing any ammunition for someone to use my sex history against me.

He’ll have the audacity to bring up every dirty, kinky thing you’ve done with the laundry list of people you’ve slept with and the second you think you two are totally cool beans, he’ll find a way to call you out of your name and blab to all of his friends.

I don't want to say all men are trash, buuuuuut they have their tendencies to make us women feel like we're beneath them. This whole story has one big caveat: if you're a woman dating a woman, go for it. Talk about it all. We're just more emotionally evolved, sorry. But for those of you who dare to date a dude? My advice to you all is to shut the fuck up and just enjoy (safe) sex.

@aribines