When I received a call from Aubrey Graham, I was excited. I thought to myself, with a sexy name like that, she’s bound to be cute. To my surprise, and after a surprisingly long time simply assuming that she had a sore throat or just smoked a lot, it dawned on me that I was actually speaking to Aubrey “Drake” Graham. He said he enjoyed my previous interview with Kanye & Jay-Z and would love if I asked him a few questions. We agreed to meet the following day at an Olive Garden nearby. The following is a transcript of our conversation. Also, Lil Wayne came along because he basically had nothing else to do.

Rujabes: Well, Mr. Drake and Mr. Lil Wayne, thanks for taking the time to meet me.

Lil Wayne: S’cool, man. Ain’t no thang.

Drake: Yea.

Ruja: Um…well, this whole interview caught me off guard so I don’t really have a ton of questions…

D: We got time, just think.

LW: Take ya time, bro. Bout to get me some motherf*cking garlic bread.

Lil Wayne motions to nearby waiter and asks for some motherf*cking garlic bread.

Ruja: Well, I finally got a chance to hear Tha Carter IV the other day…

LW: And you f*cking loved it, right?

Ruja: Um…okay…okay, sure, why not? We’ll keep this polite. When did you decide to come up with a sequel to Tha Carter III?

LW: Well, I dropped my rock album, you know…and people weren’t really feeling it.

D: I couldn’t believe it.

LW: I know, right? I was on some old Jimi Hendrix sh*t.

D: The n*gga had soul and an electric guitar.

LW: F*cking magical.

D: Made my dick hard.

LW: Mine too. But anyways, people were vicious. The critics were mean as hell, so I decided to make up for it with a new Tha Carter.

Ruja: Actually, on that note – and please don’t get mad – I gotta ask…have you ever had any…formal training with the guitar?

LW: What do you mean?

Ruja: I mean, has…an expert ever sat down with you and taught you, like, chords and stuff?

LW: N*gga, I’m black.

Ruja: So am I. What’s that got to do with anything?

D: He means he doesn’t need to learn. It’s racial. All black people can play guitar, man.

LW: It’s a damn fact.

Ruja: I’m pretty sure I can’t play the guitar.

LW: You ever tried? Sh*t is easy.

Ruja: I…no, but…look, are you sure you just don’t like the idea of being a rockstar?

LW: I…

Lil Wayne looks sad for a minute.

D: Dude do got a point, Wayne.

LW: Let’s move on.

Ruja: Okay, sure. So Drake! How’s your second album coming along? It’s called Take Care, right?

D: That’s right, man! It’s gonna be crazy! I got so many features and experimental sh*t.

LW: One of the tracks is Nicki Minaj reading the Bible in a British accent. For ten f*cking minutes. No one else in the game doing that!

D: I love that track! It’s called, “Genesis”. You know…it’s like, the track right before is “Gimme Head featuring Kreayshawn” and I was like, you know, n*ggas need to go to church after all that.

LW: I mean, four minutes of Kreayshawn telling you to “stop talking and gimme head” would make anyone feel dirty.

Ruja: Damn, both of those are real, huh?

D: Yessir!

Ruja: I…well okay, let’s see. I actually have-

LW: The motherf*cking garlic bread!

D: Bout time!

The waiter places a bowl of motherf*cking garlic bread on the table and walks away quickly.

LW: F*cking love this sh*t…why I started rapping.

Ruja: Wait, seriously? How did garlic bread inspire you to start rhyming?

LW: Well, when I was young and my daddy, Birdman, would go on tour…he always left, like, a basket of garlic bread with the lyrics to different songs written on each slice with marker.

Ruja: The…fu-

D: Nah, man, it’s true though!

LW: Yea. One day, he wrote the lyrics to an entire A Tribe Called Quest album. I think it was Midnight Marauders. So it’s like, I ingested greatness. That’s when I knew I wanted to rhyme.

Ruja: Wow.

LW: Yep.

Lil Wayne puts his hands to his mouth and makes a bird call.

LW: Praise the homie, Birdman.

D: Grandpa Birdie!

Ruja: Well then. Drake. I – hold on –

I pull out my smartphone and load up a page of quotes.

Ruja: I just thought this was interesting. The top two comments on your CNN interview on Youtube are “Great smile, actually speaks the english language, you gotta love this guy” and “*SIGHS* Im soo f*cking wet”. How do manage to satisfy these two groups? Like getting white people to love you and be some kind of…human lubricator?

D: I was on Degrassi. As a fictional paraplegic. People love that sh*t. Plus I’m light-skinned, but…you probably don’t know what that’s like.

Drake chuckles a bit under his breath. Lil Wayne chokes a bit on his garlic bread.

D: Dude almost Wesley Snipes black.

Ruja: Damn dude…you ain’t gotta be like that…

D: My bad, man. Just…couldn’t help it, you know. That’s the Young Money way.

Ruja: How does that relationship work anyways? Y’all live in the same house or something?

LW: Yea! I wanted us to be like the kids in The Goonies, so like every week, I have my butler hide my Grammies somewhere in the house and we all come together and look.

D: That sh*t is mad fun!

LW: You have not lived until you see Nicki Minaj do the truffle shuffle.

Ruja: I…I would honestly love to see that.

LW: You’re invited then. Next week. Friday night. Bring a flashlight. And a lot of lotion.

Ruja: Why the lotion?

D: You’ll know when it happens.

Ruja: Well, alright gentlemen. Thanks for your time.

D: No problem.

LW: It was cool, dude. You got the bill, right?

The two of them stand to leave. As they near the entrance, Lil Wayne turns around.

LW: Remember, homie…lotion. Lots.