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Homer's Enemy script

A new employee at the power plant, Frank Grimes, takes a dislike to Homer's laziness and ineptitude, which turns to hate when he sees that Homer is more of a success than he is. Episode 4F19, Season 8

First aired May 04, 1997

Written by John Swartzwelder

Directed by Jim Reardon

ACT ONE Kent Brockman delivers the news. KENT

(chuckling) ...which if true, means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a thirty-five-year-old Springfieldianite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down. We see a young boy in the back seat of a car. KENT

Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. In fact, Grimes is not in the car, he is stood behind as the car drives off. More pictures accompany the story. KENT

He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children. Then, on his eighteenth birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion. We see a Grimes running into a silo, which then explodes. Cut to Grimes in hospital, bandaged from head to toe. KENT

During his long recuperation he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics -- with a minor in determination. An eagle tries to take the diploma from Grimes, but he fights it off. We see Mr. Burns is watching the show. BURNS

That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers. A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my Executive Vice President. SMITHERS

Yes, Sir. The next day, Burns watches television again. Smithers brings in Frank Grimes. BURNS

Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my Executive Vice President. SMITHERS

Uh, yes sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes. (Burns stares blankly.) The self-made man? BURNS

What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Mmm, put him somewhere out of the way, and find that dog! SMITHERS

Yes sir. At his workstation, Homer is spinning around in his swivel chair. Lenny and Carl enter. HOMER

Chair goes round, chair goes round. LENNY

Hey Homie, you busy? HOMER

Yes. CARL

There's a new guy at the plant. Uh, maybe we oughta say hi to him. HOMER

Oh, I don't know. I'm kinda dizzy. I should probably go home sick. In his office, Grimes arranges his belongings. Homer, Lenny, and Carl press their faces against the office window, then walk in. CARL

You new? GRIMES

Yes. My name is Frank Grimes. LENNY

I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. GRIMES

How do you do. Homer picks up one of Grimes' pencils, spilling the rest of them on the desk. HOMER

Wow, you've got pencils with your name on them, just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these. GRIMES

(taking the pencil back) Any office supply company can have them made up for you. HOMER

Can I have this one? GRIMES

No. HOMER

Can... (thinks) Lenny have it? GRIMES

No. Lenny and Carl look at Grimes' diploma. GRIMES

Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. LENNY

Oh yeah, Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. HOMER

I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was. GRIMES

(forced laugh) Uh, yeah. Well, listen, I'm sure, you all have a lot of work to do. Lenny and Carl shrug and leave. Grimes turns around, and sees Homer is still there. HOMER

Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know. GRIMES

Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep. HOMER

Oh yeah, they're always trying to screw ya.



Homer leaves. Grimes shudders. At the DMV, Marge is trying to get a personalized licensed plate. Bart is with her, looking bored. MARGE

Marge is already taken! How about Marjorie? CLERK

Uh. Sorry ma'am. MARGE

Mmm... how about Mitzy? CLERK

Nuh-uh. Uh, you can have Nitzy. MARGE

Hmm... Nitzy. BART

I'm outta here. Bart leaves. He walks into an auction of Tax Seizures. AUCTIONEER

Ladies and gentlemen, our next lot is number seven-fifty-one. How much am I bid for number seven-fifty-one? Seven-five-one. Nothing? No bids for item seven-fifty-one? BART

A buck! AUCTIONEER

I got a buck, I got a dollar here, one dollar there... (continues talking very quickly in typical auctioneer-style) Sold, for a buck. BART

Cool, what'd I buy? AUCTIONEER

35 Industry Way. Bart turns up at the property, which is an old factory. BART

Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off. It is lunchtime at the power plant. Homer is in the canteen, when Grimes enters. HOMER

Hiya Stretch, what's the good word? GRIMES

My name is Grimes, uh, Simpson. Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name, so the least you could do is learn mine. HOMER

Okay, Grimey. GRIMES

Uh, you're eating my special diabetic lunch. HOMER

Huh? (looks at the bag and chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry. GRIMES

The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future. HOMER

Check. Homer takes a few more bites before handing it back to Grimes. Grimes tosses the remainder in the trash and walks away. Homer reaches out to retrieve it, but stops and looks innocent when Grimes turns around to look. Grimes then returns to his office, where he finds his pencils have been chewed. GRIMES

Simpson, do you know who chewed my-- He sees Homer chewing several, and using one to clean his ears. Grimes walks off, growling. Meanwhile, Bart looks round his factory. It is very big and empty. BART

Wow. It's filthy, and it's mine, haha. Bart picks up a bolt and aims it towards a window on the far side of the room. It lands on the other side of the room. Bart then sees an old swivel chair, and a fire extinguisher. He wheels the chair into position, sits down, and uses the fire extinguisher to jet-propel himself across the factory floor and into the wall. BART

Wheeeeeee! Back at the power plant, Homer enters Grimes' office. HOMER

So, how's it going, Grimey? GRIMES

I... I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson. HOMER

(laughing) Wish I had a nickel every time I've heard that. Homer idly wanders around the office, whistling and making annoying sounds. HOMER

(singing) Take me out to the ball-game, take me out to the ball... Ah, what's new, Grimey? Suddenly, an alarm goes off and lights flash in Homer's workstation next door. GRIMES

Simpson, you've got a five-thirteen. Homer looks at his watch. GRIMES

No, a five-thirteen. In your procedures manual... a five-thirteen? Homer looks at his watch again. GRIMES

(pointing) Look at your control panel! HOMER

(looks) Oh, a five THIR-teen. I'll handle it. Homer goes to his workstation, takes a bucket of water and pours it on the console. This shorts it out and silences the alarms HOMER

That got it. Grimes looks on in disbelief. Bart sits in an office in his factory. Milhouse walks past. Bart leans out of the window and whistles to him. BART

Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory? MILHOUSE

You don't a have a factory! BART

Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not? MILHOUSE

Okay! Homer wolfs down his lunch. Grimes looks on in disbelief. GRIMES

God, he eats like a pig. LENNY

I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck. GRIMES

Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Heh, can you imagine that, he... he was hanging from a coat hook. LENNY

He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy. GRIMES

I've never seen him do any work around here ... what, what is his job? LENNY

Safety inspector. GRIMES

That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights should have been killed dozens of times by now? LENNY

Three hundred and sixteen times by my count. GRIMES

That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It... it boggles the mind. CARL

It's best not to think about it. Homer reaches out for a drink, but picks up a beaker of sulphuric acid. He is about to drink it when Grimes smashes it out of his hand and into a wall, causing the wall to dissolve. GRIMES

Aah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulphuric acid! HOMER

Acid, eh? Jeez, that would've been stupid! (laughs) Boy would my face have been red. (laughs more) GRIMES

Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?! Mr. Burns and a dog, wearing a sash labeled "Executive Vice President" walk by. Burns sees the hole in the wall. BURNS

Who did this to my wall? HOMER

(pointing to Grimes) He did. BURNS

Is this true? GRIMES

Well, uh, technically it is true, sir, but-- BURNS

Come with me. HOMER

(whispering to Grimes) He likes you. Homer gives Grimes the thumbs up. Cut to outside Burn's office, where we hear the conversation. The dog barks. BURNS

How dare you destroy my valuable wall! And spill my priceless acid! Did you really think you were going to get away with it? GRIMES

I wasn't-- BURNS

Silence! I am going to give you one more chance... at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right! GRIMES

But sir if I c-- The dog barks again. Grimes confronts Homer at his work station. HOMER

Hi Grimey, old buddy. GRIMES

I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies! HOMER

(quietly) Okay. Do I have to do anything? GRIMES

Grrr! He shudders and leaves.

ACT TWO Homer is at Moe's. HOMER

Oh, I can't believe it, I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield. MOE

Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither. HOMER

No, I won't accept that. MOE

Nah, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." Moe reaches under the bar and brings out a piece of paper. Barney reads it. BARNEY

Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson... hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. MOE

Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. (writes on the paper) Barney Gumble. BARNEY

Oh. HOMER

Oh, what'll I do, Moe? MOE

Uh, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it... bam! The old fork in the eye. HOMER

Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? MOE

There's always a first time. At the Simpsons' home. The family are dressed up for dinner. HOMER

This dinner has to go absolutely perfect if Grimey and me are going to be friends. (turns to Lisa) Lisa, be perfect. LISA

Okay. HOMER

(to Marge) Marge. Perfect. (to Bart) Bart. Perfect. (to Maggie) Other kid. Perfect. MARGE

We only have 5 lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him? HOMER

No. No. He doesn't know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd come, so I called and said I had something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here. The doorbell rings and Homer starts flailing his arms. HOMER

It's him! It's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him it's him! MARGE

Calm down, Homer! Calm down, answer the door. Homer answers the door. HOMER

(nervously) Welcome to the Simpson residence or "casa de Simpson," as I call it, heh heh. GRIMES

Yeah, what did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important. HOMER

It is, it is, but first, let me introduce you to my family, my perfect family. This is my wife Marge... MARGE

Hello. HOMER

And our beautiful baby... (Maggie sucks her pacifier) ...my daughter Lisa, IQ a hundred and fifty six. LISA

(curtsies) Hi. HOMER

See? And my son Bart... (Bart winks) He owns a factory downtown. GRIMES

How do you do. Uh, look Homer, I'm, I'm late for my night job at the foundry so if you don't mind telling me-- He stop as he notices the house. GRIMES

Good Heavens! Th-this is a palace! How c-- how can, how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson? HOMER

I dunno. Don't as me how the economy works. GRIMES

Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I... I live in a single room above a bowling alley and (muttering) below another bowling alley. HOMER

Wow! Grimes notices some pictures on the wall. GRIMES

I'm sorry, isn't that-- HOMER

Yes, that's me alright. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. (pointing to the other photos) And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. GRIMES

You? Went into outer space? You? HOMER

Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? (holds it up) GRIMES

No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? HOMER

What? GRIMES

Everything! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and (sniffs air) lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No! HOMER

(gasps) What are you saying? GRIMES

I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago. BART

He's got you there, dad. GRIMES

You're a fraud. A-- a total fraud. (walks out, pokes his head back round the doorway, and speaks to Marge and the kids) It was nice meeting you. Grimes leaves again, slamming the front door. The next day, Bart and Milhouse are at the factory again. MILHOUSE

Wow. Adding machines. Industrial waste. What should we do with all this stuff, Bart? BART

I think we both know the answer to that. The boys throw the machines into a the barrels of industrial waste, and watch them dissolve. Later, Milhouse mops the floor. He pauses to wipe his brow. BART

Get to work! Next, they stand atop a rickety staircase, rocking it. BART &MILHOUSE

Wacky shack! MILHOUSE

Better be careful, Bart. Look at those warning signs. He indicates some sign on the "Wacky Shack." Bart pulls them off and chucks them out the window. BART

Solve your problem Milhouse? MILHOUSE

Yep. Marge walks around the front of the house to find Homer sitting in his car on the driveway. She taps on the window. MARGE

Homer? (taps again) Homer, why aren't you at work? HOMER

The car won't start. I don't feel very good today. I am at work. MARGE

You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you? HOMER

That's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road! He honks the horn. Marge gets in the car. MARGE

You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are. HOMER

No he won't, he hates me. MARGE

He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily, and it's been so difficult for him. HOMER

Yeah, yeah, that's his problem, he's a nut! It's not about me being lazy, it's about him being a crazy nut. MARGE

Well... maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, um, professional in your work. (Homer gasps) Just a little more! Then he won't have any reason to resent you. HOMER

I'll do it! (pulls out a bottle of Duff) To professionalism! Homer drinks the whole bottle. At work, Homer eats donuts at his workstation... with a knife and fork. On his wall hangs a picture of him with the words: "Mr. Good Employee" on it. Grimes walks past. HOMER

Good morning fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during the designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson. Grimes isn't impressed, and leaves. An alarm sounds at Homer's workstation. Grimes joins Lenny and Carl in the break room. GRIMES

Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. CARL

Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway? GRIMES

Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. (points to a graph on the bulletin board) Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and, and meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. LENNY

Eh, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. CARL

Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. GRIMES

No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. LENNY

(to Carl) So, how are you doing? Grimes begins to leave, but notices a poster on the bulletin board, advertising a children's contest to build the best model of a new power plant. GRIMES

Oh, here we go. Grimes takes the notice to his office, where he carefully cuts away all references to this being a contest for kids. Then he places the notice at Homer's workstation. HOMER

Oh. Design your own power planet, eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am. (to a picture of Lenny on his desk) Lenny, tell Mr. burns I've gone home to work on the contest. As Homer gets into his car to leave, Grimes watches through an upstairs window, laughing. Homer backs into Grimes' car. GRIMES

Oh god.