AN 18-month investigation into FIFA corruption has found that football’s governing body has no issue with corruption but that you totally do.

Corruption allegations were levelled after pipelines spewing banknotes into FIFA’s Swiss headquarters were traced back to Russia and Qatar.

But FIFA’s own investigation has delivered the surprise result that FIFA is innocent and all the parties who accused it of corruption were themselves taking bribes to do so.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter, named after the sound of a truck running over a pigeon, said: “For FIFA to be completely exonerated and all of its critics guilty of the very crimes they accused us of is most ironic.

“But our investigators have incontestable proof that the English FA, Michel Platini and every bloke down the pub who has ever said that the Qatar win was ‘a bit dodgy’ were doing it for financial inducements.

“Football fans all over the world need to take a look at themselves and to think about how they can stop letting FIFA down.

“I’m not angry with you. I’m just disappointed.”