ANKENY, IA—Saying it didn’t take a trained professional to spot the woman’s serious hygiene issue, area dentist Robert Cowan confirmed Friday that he could tell his patient hasn’t been brushing her hair. “Most people at least try to brush right before their appointment, but this lady clearly hasn’t bothered to clean her hair in weeks,” said Cowan, adding that based on how damaged her roots appeared, the woman was at risk of losing her locks completely if she didn’t start a regimented hair-care plan soon. “She told me she brushes her moptop twice a day, but that’s total bullshit. Her whole head smells and there’s little bits of food stuck in there. You don’t get frizzy split ends like that from occasionally forgetting to untangle your curls.” At press time, Cowan had sent the woman home with a complimentary wide-toothed comb and some shampoo samples.

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