[ring ring]

Hello? This is Dr. Smartula.

Hello Dr. Smartula. We are Two Scientists.

Did you assemble the cinnamon-scented flamethrower I asked for?

You told us of no such thing.

I know! That's the worst part because I need one so very badly right now! Help me, Two Scientists!

Of course. We have just what you need:

WE MADE YOU ....A COLLIN KLEIN!

A modern quarterback with Jurassic genes

He's runs on pure courage and excretes benzene

The benzene thing is kind of bad, because it's quite toxic

With his play or his byproducts he leaves defenses hypoxic!

Works by photosynthesis so there's no need to feed

Unlike the Tim Tebow he's programmed to read

A four point GPA is only the start

He's impervious to bullets, defense and art

That's correct we showed him paintings

His emotions were blank

He's not heartless he's just artless

Less man and more tank

It took all the power that we could employ

But we built Bill Snyder a real boy

Having proved we can science up Pinocchio

We're gonna make a million dollars building sex robots in Tokyo

His life's story's quite famous

This claim is outrageous

But true, Scientist One

Robert Ludlum took it all

And forgot to pay us

Collin Klein's biography is that of Jason Bourne's

Too violent for film, too sexy for porn!

Had to tone down the details to get to to the screen

When the lawsuit goes through we'll be swimming in green



That's if we're not killed--

(And if we were we'd be thrilled)

--BY COLLIN KLEIN--

The Manhattan Project in the form of a man

Recognized as a god in the Southern Sudan

Ample cupholders and reclinable seats

Collin Klein seats four normals and seven petites

Obeys speed limits on all city streets

No worries for his seating, since he's already there

Collin Klein is his own captain's chair

That's impossible, son.

You're correct, my friend

Is he man or mini-van?

He's an unholy blend....

A COLLIN KLEIN

No need for repairs with scissors and duct tape

The Collin Klein is made of nothing but duct tape

Cuts made in his flesh reveal nothing but duct tape

Can't destroy a COLLIN KLEIN because duh, it's all duct tape

Married real young so he's ready to breed

Producing Collin Clones with his robot seed

Maturing quickly in a span of just two short years

A peerless man is forced to make his own peers

Losing to the Sooners

It's part of his cover

He's impossible to tackle

And an easy lover

During the production process

We drank a bit much

So the Collin Klein's equipped

With an iPod touch

It's his most useless feature

An error at best

But now we've explained

That glowing square in his chest

He can play the mandolin and the piano, too

And we'll add a smoothie maker when we build version 2

Sure, he lost to Coach Petrino in the Cotton Bowl

Too bad Collin Klein owns the Arkansas Highway Patrol

Can run a single wing

Prefers pork and not brisket

Best believe the Collin Klein rides with Wheat-Thins not Triscuits

And dont' even mention rice crackers

He'll get quiet angry about that

Uncontrollably so.

Ummm---

A COLLIN KLEIN!

He's beautiful, gentlemen! Can he play in the NFL?

He won't ever need to because Bill Belichick will just turn him into 38 first round draft picks somehow, all without playing a snap. He'll get his pension, too!

Great work, Two Scientists! I'm calling from someone's house! No idea whose! Just woke up here. Got to go!

They've got dogs, Dr. Smartula?

Ha-ha, yes! Gigantic ones! Smoke Chesterfields, gentlemen!

Smoking away, sir!

FIN