She’s a f’n snake in the grass! – Kimmi Kappenberg

A Clam in the hand is worth two in the bush! – Kimmi Kappenberg

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WOAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

OMG! That WAS EPIC!!!

WOW! …we’re having trouble catching our breath after that INSANE Tribal Council! Survivor Second Chance just keeps getting better and better!

(We know it’s spoilery but we COULD NOT RESIST! #BlindsideFace)

(Ya Heard!?)

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Once again we here at SurvivorShade felt we needed to provide you, our faithful readers, with the official definition of Shade:

Real shade: Schadenfreude (/ˈʃɑːdənfrɔɪdᵊ/; German: [ˈʃaːdn̩ˌfʁɔʏdə]), also known as epicaricacy /ˌɛpɨˈkærɨkəsi/ is pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.[1] This word is taken from German and literally means “harm-joy”. It is the feeling of joy or pleasure when one sees another fail or suffer misfortune. It is also borrowed by some other languages. An English term of similar meaning (but with no noun equivalent) is “to gloat”; which means to feel, or express, great, often malicious, pleasure, or self-satisfaction, at one’s own success, or at another’s failure.

(We AIN’T PLAYIN’ YOU COOKIE!!!)

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Just a reminder who our SurvivorShade contributors are:

Coby Archa, The fabulous skirt-wearing physical beast of Survivor Palau (S10)

John Carroll, the infamous leader of the Rotu Four alliance, who dominated the game…and subsequently was voted out because the people on the bottom banded together to vote him out on Survivor Marquesas (S4)…he knows a thing or two about how a tribe swap can mess up your Love Tribe.

Brice Johnston, who immortalized the words “Dot Dot Hmm!” at Tribal Council when he knew his Beauty tribe, in Survivor Cagayan: Brains, Brawn, and Beauty (S28) were about to vote him out…but were beating around the bush about it.

Aaaaaand we are SUPER excited to welcome MAMA C from Survivor: World’s Apart (S30) Let’s just say…she knows how to keep the family strong. She made strategic move after strategic move to get to the Final 3 in World’s Apart…eventually finishing runner up.

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Just a reminder that this gonna be fabulous y’all!

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But first! Just a reminder that there WILL be spoilers for last night’s episode below

Alright alright, enough of this…let’s get to the SHADE!

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Immediate gut reaction to Monica getting BLINDSIDED!?

Coby: The word ‘blindside‘ is thrown around so often on Survivor that I rarely use it. Even though CBS desperately wants me to hashtag it every episode but for this moment I will have to…

#BlindsideBitchByeFeliciaFunToWatch

John : Clam-gate! This season should be called Survivor mean girls! First it’s Bracelet-gate and now it’s Clam-gate ! Kimmi was clearly not the one. Where was this Kimmi during Australia? Screw eating the chicken, 2015 Kimmi would have taken that chicken and beaten Alicia with it . As yoked out as Alicia is, I’m not so sure she could handle the 2015 version of Kimmi.

Cruella, Ursula, Maleficent, meet the newest member of club evil. Thy name is Kimmi and I have come to Cambodia to write down your name!

ALL OF YOUR NAMES! MOO-HAHAHA! (Maniacal cackle) Fishing snorkel $32 Fishing spear $28 Getting voted out because you wouldn’t let Kimmi eat your giant clam. Priceless

Brice : Baby girl had it coming! In a good way, because she was really playing the game and trying to set things up for herself later on. Monica was really trying to get pussy cat alliance off the ground and unfortunately the clam slammed shut on Monica’s survivor dream .

Carolyn : It all started from the clams. Kimmi was already pissed about that and she had it in for Monica . Don’t mess with the food man cuz that just won’t work! People just got to eat. But come on, you don’t want to deplete the ocean of all the clams at once. Everybody knows that.

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Sooo…..let’s just get this over with, between all of the clam talk between Kimmi and Monica, and all of the ball-handling in the Reward Challenge…there really WAS something for everyone wasn’t there?

(Suuuuure you are Keith)

Coby : You are forgetting Savage and Tasha fondling each other while taking turns telling each other how great they are.

Clams, balls and asskissers…

What more could one ask for?

John : Well, since I am writing my review from the gutter and accessing my 13-year-old brain, I will only say this. I have not had clam since 1993 and I would have killed that ball handling challenge .

Brice : I really wish Jeff Varner was here for the reward challenge. He would have gone balls to the wall literally! But yes, there was so much talk about Kimmi’s clams that it almost made me uncomfortable but thank god for the ball grabbing challenges, made me feel right at home 🙂

Carolyn : Listen you are on an island, and you have to use your resources….. Whatever they are. Just make sure you handle with care… Clams and balls alike. Come on guys!

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How GREAT was Kimmi’s Shade game this week? I can’t believe she PULLED THAT OFF!

(Slaaaaaay Kimmi! SLAY!)

Coby : I am really impressed by Kimmi. She stayed calm. She didn’t have another finger waving chicken moment but with clams. Kimmi waited patiently to have real dirt on Monica and then grabbed a shovel while using that dirt to cover the grave . Growth is good.

John : I can’t believe she PULLED THAT OFF! The ramifications will ripple through the game. Anytime someone describes you as a snake in the grass, you’re not long for the Survivor world . Man I hope Kimmi and Abi-Maria both make the merge. Tasmanian Devil meets Vegan Cobra . Apparently, clams are the other white meat in Kimmi’s world. Nothing will stop Kimmi from getting her face into a big ole clam. NOTHING!

Brice : I just have to start off with saying Yasss Kimmi Yassss !

That’s what I was screaming in my house last night! Kimmi was serving up hot cups of shade all throughout last night’s episode! Started off with “clam-gate” and continued through the Pussy Cat alliance scandal. But my favorite Kimmi shade moment was when Monica got voted out and Kimmi sat with that smirk on her face,

I so wanted the hashtag #SurvivorShade to be flashing on the screen lol !

Carolyn : Seems like Kimmi has some game in her. We are just starting to see her play. Yeahbaby, you go girl. The older, wiser Kimmi. Love it .

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It seems going to Chuck E Cheese can ACTUALLY win you a Survivor challenge…according to Woo. Agree? Disagree? Also, am I the only one who noticed Keith copping a Wentworth cheek grab during the challenge!?

(Woo’s famouse skee ball Victory! and the infamous ASS GRAB!)

Coby : I didn’t notice that between Keith and Wentworth but I did notice a lot of package swinging from some of the men. Their droopy underwear aren’t doing them any favors , but for some of the viewers it is working just fine. When I saw those balls I thought Chuck E Cheese as well, I blame my children.

John : Oy! These questions! Joe I think you need some quiet time with your wife or at the very least, a laptop.

I avoid Chuck E Cheese like the plague. I would rather have a root canal without novocaine rather than spend an hour in a Chuck E Cheese. I would risk going on a cruise full of Legionnaire’s disease and norovirus before I would go to Chuck E Cheese! As far as Keith’s ass grab, Keith thought Wentworth said, “Keith, slap my ass.” What she really said was, “It’s your turn Kass!” #turnemup!

Brice : We are learning a lot about Woo this season! He has a backbone and his Friday night consists of ski ball at Chuck E cheese! Lol Speaking of Ms. Kelley I did notice during the challenge that Kelley is caked up in all the right places, Hey Kelley!!!! So I wouldn’t even be mad at Keith for a cheek grab, but we would have to be clear with Keith that a butt has two cheeks and according to Keith’s math “ Two ain’t gonna get you nowhere” lol

Carolyn : Listen Chuck E Cheese is a training camp for survivor. Whoever doesn’t know that certainly can’t win the game. My man Woo pulled that off nicely. And damn I missed the cheek grab. Now I will have to re-watch to see it in person. Thanks for the heads up.

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Sooo does Abi, our Brazilian Dragon, hate people’s personal heart-wrenching stories?…Because, she better not be around when Savage starts telling Woo all about the stack of playboys on his desk that one time…

(The Brazilian Dragon DOES NOT like other’s sympathy stories!)

Coby : Abi is totally mental and once AGAIN I can’t fathom why anyone would play with her. In her defense, I can say Tom W would tell stories of his deaf daughter and his 911 Fireman days to work people in the game. So maybe Abi is partly right about Woo as terrible as it sounds.

John : OK, clearly there is a theme in this week’s questions . There is being a villain and then there is being a VILLAIN! Holy smokes. There is the world and then there is Abi-World. In Abi-World, the reptilian brain has evolved and learned to speak Portuguese. It is threatened easily and has no problem lashing out at anything that is perceived as a threat or a bracelet stealer.

Brice : Abi went through a traumatic time with her leg tendons, cut her some slack! Lol Oooh how I Love Abi! You just never know what you’re going to get and that’s why she is great for Survivor!

Carolyn : Ok Abi just wanted to ensure that people knew we all have problems. Come on, with a hurt knee she would be out of survivor! How could you guys be so heartless…. And as far as Savage, we all know that the playboys on his desk are for the articles, well actually now that will be a very true statement. That’s New School for you.

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Umm…has Fishbach had his eyes checked recently? Because Yellow does not equal Pink…has he been trying to help Angkor win this whole time? Would explain a lot.

(Way to go Fishbach!)

Coby : Fishbach + Wigglesworth= Two great big let downs so far

I will say at least Stephen has a good sense of humor online about it but it has to hurt seeing yourself like that week after week looking like the Gomer Pyle of Survivor.

John : At this point, if you actually still own a dictionary and looked up the word awkward or Google the word uncoordinated Stephen Fishbach’s pretty face pops up . I do have to say that Stephen was giving off a super-hot geek vibe in the previews for next week. I think either #sexynerd or #hotgeek should be a thing!

Brice : I’m just Happy Fishbach hit his target, I was very proud! Stephen has been improving on each episode! By the merge he will be ready to take on the world or cut a coconut open either way I’ll be happy!

Carolyn : Listen the rules said to hit a target. Are we sure they were told what color? Come on it could happen! At least he hit one . Some people never hit a target.

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Sooo…was anybody else intrigued to here Spencer declare “being the guy on the bottom, which I’m used to being.” ?

(Even back in Cagayan Spencer was bragging about being on bottom!)

Coby : I am sooo immature because I thought that too about Spencer but I thought maybe it was all his droopy drawers that had my mind in the gutter. Lots of random lines made me laugh tonight ! Like I thought it weird when Savage whispered in the first few minutes that Varner was in a ‘better place’…. Like he had died after a long struggle with some life threatening disease and not just voted out of the game.

John : OH NO YOU DI’INT!

First of all, I didn’t even pick that up! Second, I knew there was a reason why I liked Spencer so much.

Brice : I also saw Spencer slinging balls hard across the air … So I’m thinking versatile.

Carolyn : Started from the bottom now I’m here, started from the bottom now my whole teams here….. He was simply singing the Drake song again wasn’t he?

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Who’s your pick for the top of our SurvivorShade tree this week?

Coby : Kimmi and Monica tied for me.

Kimmi as she absorbed information and dealt it like a set of playing cards.

While Monica literally SKELETORed her face off at Tribal and during her confessionals. Nothing but shade from those empty eye sockets of hers, she even gave her tribe a death stare on the way out…. Gave me and She-ra shivers!

(Yup Coby, we see it!)

John : So, what do we know about Kimmi in the game of Survivor? Kimmi will eat a clam but won’t choke the chicken.

Brice : It’s very clear that Kimmi has moved to the top of the Shade tree week followed by Abi, Smh I only have two for this week!

Carolyn : Top of the tree for this week goes to my girl Kimmi. She took the bull by the horns and changed things up. Damn she is acting like chaos Kass. I don’t think she read her self-help book cause Chaos Kass is no more! I guess it’s now chaos Kimmi…..

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Alright, we here at SurvivorShade decided to cut our Shade Tree down to the top 3 we feel threw the most shade this week!

First, we have to give top spot honors to the Bad-Ass Shade thrower KIMMI KAPPENBERG! She cut Monica LOOSE once Monica talked about going against the family (aka Bayon) Just like another powerful mother figure (Gemma from Sons of Anarchy!)

Monica threw some solid shade at Kimmi, and others in her tribe…right up until the moment she was voted out!

Also, even though Angkor didn’t go to tribal this week…it didn’t stop Abi from throwing shade, accusing Woo of generating ALL THE FEELS with his heartwarming story about his mom.

Aaaaand Monica DEFINITELY received the most shade this…courtesy of the Kap in her ass!

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A HUGE THANK YOU to Mama C for being our special guest contributor this week! And tune in next week when we have RANDY BAILEY from Survivor Gabon & Heroes vs Villains (S17 & S20) as our special guest contributor NEXT WEEK!

I promise we have A LOT more great stuff coming out SOON! Stay TUNED!

and remember…

if you can’t stand the heat…get out of the shade!