The tl;dr version of “All The Shitty Things That Were Mouth Farted Out During The Duggars’ Interview with Megyn Kelly” is: EVERYTHING.

If you have ice packs on your forehead and squirted a whole tube of Bengay on your face first thing this morning (and not in a sexy way), your mug is probably sore as all hell from cringing while watching Jim Bob Duggar and his brainwashed hostage Michelle Duggar dribble out shit-wrapped excuse after shit-wrapped excuse about their son Josh Duggar’s child touching ways. Megyn Kelly’s interview with the Duggars aired on Fox News last night and I really wish that it was Nancy Grace instead. That interview would’ve lasted a total of 10 seconds. It would’ve taken Nancy 8 seconds to unlock her jaw and swallow them both whole and it would’ve taken another 2 seconds for her to pull their skeletons from her mouth like a cartoon cat pulling out fishbones.

During the entire interview, Michelle stared at Jim Bob like an eager-to-please Cocker Spaniel. Every time she said something, she turned to him like, “Did I do good, daddy?”

I’m surprised Jim Bob didn’t toss a Snausage into her mouth and then pat the top of her head after she said each pre-rehearsed answer.

Megyn Kelly asked the right questions, but didn’t really follow up with the craziness the Duggars spit up. The natural human reaction to most of things that the Duggars said is: “The fuck just came out of your mouth?” Jim Bob and Michelle are full of shit, but they’re also full of “justs.” Everything was a just. Josh Duggar was just 14! Josh just touched his 4 sisters and family friend over their clothes while they were going mimi times! Josh touched them under their clothes a few times but it was just for a few seconds!

Megyn should’ve interviewed Michelle and Jim Bob while they were both nailed to a cross, because they spent most of the interview busting out some “woe is us” shit. Somebody needs to organize a bake sale, telethon and Kickstarter for the Duggars, because they truly are the real victims in all of this. The dark-sided, unholy media twisted the truth and are out to get the Duggars. Jim Bob also thinks that charges need to be pressed, but not against him or Josh. The real crime here is that InTouch published the redacted police report of a minor. Jim Bob basically said, “WILL SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILD TOUCHERS?”

Here’s a few choice quotes and my response to each of them is: Nope.

Jim Bob on how Josh’s victims didn’t even know what he did until they were told: “He said he was just curious about girls and he had gone in and just basically touched them over their clothes while they were sleeping. They didn’t even know he had done it.” Jim Bob on how it’s not like Josh raped anyone: “This was not rape or anything like that. It was touching someone over the clothes. It was, like, a few seconds. Then he came to us and crying told us what happened. As parents you feel like a failure when one of your kids does something wrong. If I had done more training this wouldn’t have happened. The truth is, kids will make their own choices, even though you have taught them right or wrong.” Jim Bob on how they talked to other families who said the same kind of gross shit happened in their families (I didn’t know that the Duggars are friends with Woody Allen): “As we’ve talked to other parents and different ones since then, a lot of families since said that they’ve had similar things happen in their families. I mean, for us, of course, this is public shame that our son did this, back 12, 13 years ago.” Michelle on how they felt like failed parents, which is why she went on to pop out 10,000 more children: “There was so much grief in our hearts. I think as parents we felt, ‘We’re failures.’ Here we try to raise our kids to do what’s right, to know what’s right and yet one of our children made some really bad choices and I think as a parent, we were just devastated.” Jim Bob on how “safeguards” were put in place to protect their daughters: “Nothing ever happened in the girls’ bedrooms after that. We had safeguards that protected them from that. But there was another incident, two different instances where girls were laying on the couch.” Jim Bob on why he decided to put their family under TLC’s spotlight when he knew they had this dark secret hiding in Michelle’s hair: “When they asked us to do that reality TV show, all of this had been taken care of five years before, and we had a clean bill of health from the state.” Jim Bob on how Michelle Duggar comparing transgender people to pedophiles during a robocall isn’t hypocritical: “Michelle actually said pedophile in that [robocall]. And actually a pedophile is an adult that preys on children. Joshua was actually 14 and just turned 15 when he did what he did. I think the legal definition is 16 and up for an adult preying on a child. He was a child preying on a child.” Michelle on how the tabloids have victimized her daughters more than Josh did: “They have been victimized more by what has happened in these last couple weeks. And they weren’t told years ago because they honestly – they didn’t even understand or know that anything had happened until after the fact when they were told about it.”

Either Michelle and Jim Bob committed a sin by lie-telling or the fumes from their homemade laundry detergent ate the part of their brain that remembers things, because they contradicted the police report a lot and couldn’t really keep their stories straight. Jim Bob claims the girls didn’t know what had happened to them, but the police report claims that he found out about the abuse from one of the victims.

The entire interview can be summed up in 4 words: You’re Not Helping Yourselves.

Josh wasn’t interviewed. Fox News also named two of Josh’s victims: his sisters Jill and Jessa Duggar. Megyn’s interview with them airs on Friday night. Fox News released this quote that Jessa said to Megyn:

“I do want to speak up in his defense against people who are calling him a child molester or a pedophile or a rapist, some people are saying. I’m like, ‘That is so overboard and a lie really.’ I mean people get mad at me for saying that, but I can say this because I was one of the victims.”

And if you want to make the same mistake I did by watching the entire interview, here you go:

Michelle saying “Josh did a very bad thing” in her creepy baby whisper is the stuff of horror movies. Where is Tangina when we really need her? This house is NOT clean.