Elizabeth Warren Is an Existential Danger to Our Democracy, by Alexander “Lex” Luthor

As a principled businessman, long-time philanthropist, job-creator, and richest man in the world, I feel I must express my deep concerns about the ascendant candidacy of the senior senator from Massachusetts.

Elizabeth Warren recently proposed a massive overhaul of our health care industry, financed by a so-called “wealth tax” on economically fortunate Americans. Why are we penalizing success? And why should my tax dollars be spent paying for health care for illegal aliens who were sent to this country alone, unaccompanied by their parents, whether by foot, plane, or intergalactic escape pod? I don’t care if they came here because of economic, geopolitical, or geothermal instability in their home country/planet, I say no more! We need real Americans to stand up for what’s right. America is for Americans and Earth is for Earthlings.

Professor Warren famously once told my fellow exceptional entrepreneurs that we “didn’t build that.” That is flatly untrue. My life is an American success story. I was orphaned at a young age. I took the insurance settlement from my parents’ tragic but completely non-suspicious fatal car accident and, 30 to 50 years later, depending on continuity, I now own and operate LexCorp., a multinational conglomerate that employs over 300,000 people both in this country and in numerous developing, resource-rich nations. I didn’t build that? Tell that to the legions of super-powered fiends I have brought to heel under the boot of my Lexorian battlesuit (which, I might add, I cobbled together with my own two hands.)

I know we live in troubled times, but the Warren wing of the Democratic Party has moved so far left, they might as well be in Bizarro World. Now, I have visited Bizarro World. I have spent many wonderful vacations lounging in its cold springs and drinking boiling Soder Cola. But I would not wish to subject this great country to the horrors of Bizarro World universal health care, funded in part by a drastic 3% cut in Bizarro World defense spending. Just last year, Bizarro Northrop Grumman had its lowest quarterly earnings in decades. I’d hate to see that brought to our shores.

The Democratic Party has a big decision to make.With that said I want to be clear: I will support whoever emerges as the eventual nominee. Sure, the Republican tax reform bills have been very good for me financially. And yes, they did amend the Estate Tax to exempt inheritance to my army of clones, thus ensuring my immortality. But some things are more important than tax credits for your offshore kryptonite processing plants. I may be an unscrupulous monomaniac, but we can all agree that we have to get that lunatic out of the White House. Buying Greenland? Child separation? Jared? What a cartoonishly evil man.