Like most of you, and indeed, most sane people, I’m not all that big a fan of Twilight. The only reason I bring it up is because, apparently, the latest installment of the movie franchise hit the shelves this weekend, which means we are that much closer to the inevitable cultural death of this thing. I was always more a zombie fan myself. Call me crazy, but there’s something more entertaining about the desperate struggle for survival against enormous odds and hordes of undead than halfhearted sighs over perpetually sparkly high schoolers. And that’s about as clear an introduction as I can manage for the subject of today’s expedition, another Cage Match review with the popular and apparently quite potent line of potpourri known as Zombie Matter. Four sites enter, one emerges, and for the rest…well, hey, zombies gotta eat.

In case you missed the last installment, in which we went looking for Bayou Blaster on the cheap, the format is simple. I find four promising sites selling a popular product and pit them head to head based on a myriad of criteria, including price, professionalism and so on. There will be pretty pictures and tables and all that jazz. If that doesn’t sound easy to prepare, rest assured, it’s not, but not for the reasons you might think. The actual comparisons and behind the scenes napkin math is the easy part. Often, it is harder to actually find venues that put up a worthwhile fight and are actually worth considering. Zombie Matter is no different. There are a multitude of sites the carry the stuff, but finding even just 4 that weren’t so craptacular as to eliminate themselves from even preliminary consideration was, it felt, like a Herculean effort. The pool of vendors, it seems, is slowly drying up.

That being said, I present to you your contenders. Some are impressive, and some not so much.

Nirvana420 Herbal Products

An obviously kit store with a decent selection and not much else.

Smokin’ Dragon Gifts

Straight from a mall near you, this online novelty store will hook you up with incense, darts, and maybe a fake broken window or two.

Super Fun Cave

The single most impressive legal high vendor I have ever seen.

Herbal Incense Hut

The darling dealer of the Herbal Incense Guide.

As before each site is going to be judged by the same criteria, and awarded a numeric rating of 1-5 in each category, 5 being awesome and 1 being Herman Cain. The criteria themselves will be much along the lines of what we do normally from week to week. We’ll look at Price, Appearance, Shipping and Policy, and Ease of Use. At the end, we’ll tally the numbers and see what shakes loose.

Appearance

It’s a good thing that we have criteria other than appearance to go by, because when it comes to the appearance category, there is no competition here at all. Herbal Incense Hut, despite the touting from The Herbal Incense Guide, isn’t all that impressive. It is pretty kit looking even among the kit looking sites. Nirvana420, while presenting slightly more style, falls victim to the same sort of problem. Smokin’ Dragon Gifts, despite being straight out of the 1990’s, comes in at a distant but noteworthy second. Despite being incredibly dated, it is, at least, individual. The clear winner in the appearance category is clearly the Super Fun Cave. They have an amazing brand presence, a vast selection, and a custom storefront that is just plain fun. And I don’t even like clowns.

Shipping and Policy

Fortunately, none of them really have anything to be concerned about. The Herbal Incense Hut deserves a little bit of note, as their return policy, and really the overall policy, of the store seems to be “email us and we’ll let you know”. Essentially, it seems, you basically email them and ask and if they feel like it they’ll do it. On the one hand, I respect the philosophy. On the other, however, it’s not a way to run a business, especially one as volatile and touchy as a legal high provider. Super Fun Cave’s, despite being wordy, say about the same as the other two, which is essentially “No refunds or returns unless we overtly screw something up”. Smokin’ Dragon is definitely the lame horse in this race, with nothing more then a pile of antagonistic bullet points that don’t really offer anything helpful.

Shipping price is where we start to see a little bit of divergence in the field. 2 of the sites, Smokin’ Dragon and Nirvana420, state that they ship USPS priority mail with the possibility of other options available, but don’t state if those prices are included, what they may be, and so on. Nirvana420 also references a $2.50 “handling fee” that they may add to each order. You know, because they feel like it or are running low on RC Cola and need an extra few bucks or whatever. You know, because nothing says great customer service like arbitrary fees for no reason.

On the other side of the fence, we have Super Fun Cave, who has plainly stated flat and reasonable fees associated with various tiers of shipping speed, as well as the option to order COD, something which, while useful, is becoming somewhat rare these days. As I’ve talked about before, COD is one of those old timey hold over type things that we haven’t done away with but never really use, but it’s good to have the option. The Herbal Incense Hut is the winner in case, offering COD options, as well as various free and paid shipping options based on the size of your order. All of the sites take cards, and Super Fun Cave even offers Google Checkout and eCheck options as well.

Ease of Use

None of the sites have much by way of navigation issues. The two higher end venues (Super Fun Cave and the Hut) have a fantastic layout with newsletters, sales and so on. The Cave and Nirvana also have easy to locate Facebook and Twitter links, and Super Fun Cave too has an associated blog talking about fortunes and drunken elephants and stuff. Really, the only complaints I have are that Smokin’ Dragon is really busy (think 2001 geocities website…yea, now you remember geocities. And angelfire!) and that Nirvana is quite sloppy. Other than that, I don’t have any major complaints and none of the sites have any glaring bugs or errors that would render them unsafe or unusable. The only other thing is that, unlike the other stores, the Hut doesn’t let you pick your flavors, only “request” them. Because they sell so much of the stuff, they say, they won’t guarantee you get the flavor you want.

Prices

And now we come to the moment of truth. Sure, all of these sites have some impressive quirks and seemingly amiable enough policies, but which one is going to give you the biggest bang for your buck? After all, when you’re looking for a specific product, price takes on a whole new meaning. No longer is it an outward indicator of quality (in theory). It is, instead, your enemy, something you’re trying to get the better of. After all, you know what the product is that you want, so why would you pay any more then you have to?

I’ve consolidated a list of the prices here, so that you can get an idea at a glace. Some of them don’t make their pricing very clear. Nirvana420, I’m looking at you. Note also that Herbal Incense Hut carries the original line of Zombie Matter which is a) as I understand it illegal in most areas and b) not something the other stores carry. As such, the prices below reflect each venues prices for the Ultra line of Zombie Matter.

Nirvana420 Super Fun Cave Herbal Incense Hut Smokin’ Dragon Gifts Unit Prices 3 grams for $29.99 ($10/gram) 2x 3g for $59.98 4x 3g for $107.96 6x 3g for $152.94 10x 3g for $239.99 1 gram for $15.95 3g for $35.95 5g for $55.95 1 gram for $15.49 3g for $32.99 5g for $59.99 N/A Best Price Per Gram $7.99/gram (10x pack) $11.19/gram (5g pack) $10.99/gram (3g pack) N/A

You may notice something peculiar about that table in that there are no prices listed for Smokin’ Dragon Gifts, and there is a reason for that. The reason is that Smokin Dragon, while they sell 1 and 3 gram packs of Zombie Matter, doesn’t sell the stuff online, only in their retail outlet. I left them in place to illustrate one simple fact that apparently they left out of whatever 10 year old bargain shelf book on web design the guys who slapped this thing together used: if you don’t offer a particular product online, then don’t list it on your goddamn website.

As for the other three, Nirvana420 comes out on top price wise, with Herbal Incense Hut and Super Fun Cave pretty much tied for second. When you consider that Super Fun Cave offers free priority shipping on orders over $55, the margin becomes even slimmer. As for the final tally.

Nirvana420 Super Fun Cave Herbal Incense Hut Appearance 3 5 4 Shipping 3 5 5 Ease of Use 2 5 4 Price 5 4 4 Overall 13 19 17

So the winner by a 2 point margin is, in this case, Super Fun Cave! True, they are a little more expensive, but the price is negligible, a few bucks at best, and the fact that orders over $55 get free priority shipping (something you have to spend $125 at HIH to get), that difference is offset almost entirely. That, and never underestimate the power of appearance. Super Fun Cave looks fucking fantastic, and I’d gladly pay a little bit more to shop there, especially with Herbal Incense Hut’s apparent shoot from the hip style of customer service and sloppy presentation. Someone very obviously put a lot of time into constructing not just a store, but an experience, and not only am I more then happy to support them, I highly recommend you do the same.