I have no secrets … Or do I?" gurgles Peaches Geldof in the opening titles of OMG! With Peaches Geldof ITV2's new madcap televised chat riot (Wed, 9pm, ITV2). After a decade in the headlines inviting the nation to peruse her gusset, the only real mystery left about Peaches is who exactly the sinister huddle of shape-shifting media illuminati are who green-light everything this bottomless chasm of misplaced arrogance puts her name to. We were previously treated to Peaches's natural televisual charisma when Fearne Cotton interviewed her in New York, indulging the great, huffing, eye-rolling baby-woman with a one-hour interview special.

Peaches's new show is about "real people" talking about "real issues". Or, more truthfully, really pissing stupid attention-seeking people twaddling on about stuff you'd see on the front of Pick Me Up magazine. "Me! Me! Me!" a girl shouts, clammering for the mic. "My tampon leaked on the back of the bus! And I had to change it." "OMG!" shouts the crowd.

"I went on Grindr," says another boy, "and the guy wanted to have sex with my dog!" "OMG!" squeals the crowd, a detestable flurry of trilbies and matted hair extensions uniting their collective brain cell to bellow about willies, poos and snot. "Is it normal to want to eat poo?!" asks a solid-gold idiot. The resident therapist Emma Kenny steps in. "Well, I'm not being judgmental, but I'm not sure eating poo is very sensible as it is waste product coming out of your bum." Everyone looks very put out whenever boring Emma speaks. "Being judgmental" is a very bad thing in the OMG studio, however gormless the drivel flowing from one's mouth is. "I don't like to judge!" pre-empts most moments of vague sanity.

In contrast, I have no problem being judgmental. I judge all of you. Especially the "Lifestyle Vampires" in episode one who cluttered up 20 minutes of screen time mumbling on about how nice it is to dye your hair and have a powdered complexion and hang about dressed like someone who wears stick-on boils and calls everyone "folks" and entertains the crowds outside the London Dungeon. Just like teenage goths have done in every town and village since the mid-80s. At one point some divot in a number of petticoats drank some blood. "OMG!" screamed the crowd.

Then they cut to a long VT where Aled Haydn Jones (him off the Chris Moyles show) was dispatched to a "vampire clothes boutique". "Gosh, it's really scary in here!" Aled mumbled, standing in a completely non-offensive tacky goth boutique. Peaches tried on a plastic corset before guerilla-interviewing her boyfriend Thomas. "Look, I have fangs!" she said. Silence. "Do you like them!?" Silence. Thomas, singer with SCUM, who resembles a mini-me Mark Ronson (prior to Ronson channelling Mr Whippy), did not appear to want to be part of Peaches's show. It was almost like he was ashamed. Over the next six episodes we'll meet Furries (people who wear bedraggled animal costumes for sexual purposes, not just to run the London Marathon); we will drink from the intellectual fountains of Mark from Only Way Is Essex and part-woman-part-CGI-velociraptor Janice Dickinson; and we will hear more about Aled's hot threesome with identical twins that he was so bloody keen to shout about four minutes into episode one, but will now regret at leisure for the next 40 years as time and time again people assume it was Jedward. OMG! It's bloody terrible. OMG! They'll re-commission it, won't they?