Who knew there were such filthy-sounding destinations in Australia as Curly Dick Road, Glory Hole Cave and Intercourse Island? Ben Pobjie calls on the Government to clean up this country: we need a map of Australia that decent mums and dads won't be embarrassed reading to their children.

It's no surprise to find that Australia is a filthy, filthy place.

It's only to be expected, in today's world of 24-hour scat porn and on-demand underpants commercials. The more refined days of yore, when kindergarten teachers still refused to use the F-word in class and there was nothing more erotic than a woman who kept her gloves on, have clearly passed on for good.

But still, it comes as something of a jolt to be reminded of just how deeply obscenity and disrespect is embedded in our nation, even unto its very geography.

The newly-released Marvellous Map of Actual Australian Place Names — a name redolent with dark irony if ever I saw one — makes clear that this is a country founded on, maintained by, and revelling in, filth of the most intestine-turning kind.

More 'pornographic' than 'funny'

The map was produced by the suspicious-sounding firm of Strumpshaw, Tincleton and Giggleswick, or ST&G, to disseminate among the public knowledge of places such as Horny Point and Intercourse Island: actual place names which they call "funny" but which I call "pornographic".

The newly-released Marvellous Map of Actual Australian Place Names. ( Supplied: Strumpshaw, Tincleton & Giggleswick )

Look, if you will, at some of the place names that our forefathers saw fit to burden us with.

I'm talking about names like Bastard Point, in New South Wales. Now, what kind of disturbed mind would come up with such an appellation?

I mean, yes, we all know that bastards exist, and they have to come from somewhere. But isn't it possible to acknowledge the unfortunate fact of bastardry, without pointing out to the entire world the spot from which they spring?

I'm sure not all the people of Bastard Point celebrate bastards — there are doubtless goodhearted Bastard Pointers who hang their heads in shame when tourists arrive looking to take snapshots of the bastards — but the name of the place itself says, "Here are bastards, and we are not even ashamed".

'There's provocative, then there's recklessly invitational'

It's a similar story with names like Big Nobby and Rooty Hill.

I'm not denying they're accurate descriptions of the populace and/or common activities of those areas, but we needn't act so proud about it. There must be other things going on in Rooty Hill that we could recognise on the maps.

I could say the same about Curly Dick Road, in Meadow Flat: I don't dispute that there are people living on this avenue whose anatomy would, in polite circles, excite comment; but this seems to me to be all the more reason to hush it up, not broadcast it.

No human being can be distilled down to a single body part, no matter how circuitously deformed it might be, says Ben Pobjie. ( Supplied: Strumpshaw, Tincleton & Giggleswick )

And as for Glory Hole Cave: I mean there is provocative, and then there is recklessly invitational.

As citizens, all of us have a solemn duty: to ask ourselves, "What kind of country do I want to live in?" Well, this is not the kind of country I desire. I want to live in a country I can be proud of, a country I can speak of with confidence to those far across the seas.

I do not want to live in the sort of country that plasters its maps with vile monikers like Burrumbuttock, Cumbooglecumbang, and Poowong.

I don't want to ever risk taking my children on a holiday across Bitch Creek (apparently named for the difficulty of access), down Titwobble Lane (seemingly dubbed for the bumpiness of riding on it), or up to Son of a Bitch Spur (named for... I'm not sure. I don't even know what a "bitch spur" is, let alone what its son would look like).

What I say is: this has to change.

Let's clean up Australia

However sad a realisation this might be, it is clear that Australians cannot be trusted to name their own locations. It is time for government intervention, to clean up this country and usher in a new, less depraved era of cartographical nomenclature.

It is time for the stuffed shirts in Canberra to finally start earning their fat salaries and bring about a 21st-century map of Australia that decent mums and dads won't be embarrassed reading to their children.

There should be no half-measures on this. The first step is a royal commission into geographical profanity, to identify all offensive place names within this nation's borders.

The Marvellous Map itself will, ironically, be extremely useful in this task. Ho ho, Messrs Strumpshaw, Tincleton and Giggleswick, it appears you are to be hoist with your own petard!

What even is a 'Bitch Spur'? ( Supplied: Strumpshaw, Tincleton & Giggleswick )

Once the royal commission has reported, it will be the job of a specially selected independent naming panel, consisting of respected geographers, cartographers, lexicographers, linguists, academics, community leaders, and church elders, to carefully choose new names for each location in which it is necessary.

The changes I am calling for will require a major cultural shift, and so I will, here and now, attempt to kickstart the process by providing a few thoughtful examples of names that can, with sensitivity and grace, be changed for the greater good.

Bumbang Island, a vulgar blemish on the beautiful face of the Mallee, can be rehabilitated by focusing less on the popular hobbies of the local youth, and more on the area's bountiful produce. Why not rename it Almondbang Island?

Spanker Knob is no dignified title for this picturesque spot in the Gippsland wilds. It's not just unseemly, it is liable to put problematic ideas into the minds of casual hikers.

It's bad enough having a mountain called Spanker Knob without the risk of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy with idle travellers heading up the fire tower for some R&R.

Given the nearby town of Bruthen is in fact a respectable, upstanding community noted for its excellent cycling facilities, why not accentuate the positive? Dub this lovely little peak "Cyclist Knob" instead.

Tittybong, near Bumbang Island, seems to be a case of good intentions with bad consequences, says Ben Pobjie. ( Supplied: Strumpshaw, Tincleton & Giggleswick )

The aforementioned Curly Dick Road is a prime example of reductionism. No human being can be distilled down to a single body part, no matter how circuitously deformed it might be.

The people of Meadow Flat should enthusiastically support efforts to make the world see that they are more than anatomical curiosities, by reclaiming their address for decency, with the name "Interesting Personality Street".

And then there's Tittybong, which is a case of good intentions with bad consequences. We can definitely see what the namers of Tittybong were going for, but I suggest a more considered approach to the subject will grant it the far less immoral name of Bosompipe.

If I can do it, I'm sure our government can. As Shakespeare asked, "What's in a name?" And as Shakespeare, to the best of my recollection, answered, "Everything."

Let's clean up this cesspit, and make Australia as family-friendly as we've always dreamed.