Recently two ladies in South Dakota — who are of the women-who-prefer-women persuasion — announced that they would like to join themselves together in holy matrimony as is the right of all Americans according to the Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Sure the 14th comes twelve amendments after the only one that conservatives think we have to follow, but it made it into the top twenty so it still counts.

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Tap tap, no erasies, just like the Federalist Papers say.

The very idea that two women — who were previously married to men and decided it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be — decided to not only switch teams, but also to form a more perfect union, has deeply unsettled Republican South Dakota state legislator Steve Hickey who felt the need to write a butt-sex non-fanfic letter to the local newspaper.

His line of thought apparently went like this: lesbians getting married > states rights > Constitutional issue > gay marriage > guys sticking their penises into other guy’s butts.

It is also possible he went: lesbi– >guysstickingtheirpenisesintootherguysbutts, because, when he was “researching” lesbian sex on the internet he got distracted and one thing led to another and next thing you know -click click click, scroll scroll scroll- he was on hotguysstickingtheirpenisesintootherhotguysbutts.com.

Go on, go Google it. You know you want to. I’ll wait….

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Okay then, you’re back, please try and focus. You can check again later, maybe you mistyped it in a fevered haste.

Pastor Representative Hickey proceeded to close about thirty tabs on his browser, got a hold of himself and fiercely pound out …. The Dreaded Letter To The Editor.

As of now Brenda Wade Schmidt — whose job it is to thanklessly wade through the letters to the editor for the Argus Leader — has yet to decide if South Dakotians or Dakotiots or whatever the hell they call themselves, are ready to read a letter from a local about the care and feeding of the butt and its many uses. South Dakota, doncha’ know, being a 100% heterosexual missionary-position just-close-your-eyes-and-think-of Lamb Chop kind of state.

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Fearing that his words of wisdom on anal etiquette [analquette] might never see the light of day, Hickey decided to publish it on his Facebook page alongside the pictures of his grandkids so that someday they can look back and see that granddad was kind of creepy and man-sex-obsessed, but at least they’ll be able to flesh out that eulogy with some interesting and colorful remembrances; “Pa-Pa wasn’t into anal….”

Hickey gave a delightful title to his manbuttifesto: A One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck

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Ay-yup. He wrote that.

In it he warns us that the Gay Mafia has the medical establishment by the ‘turn-you-head-left-and-coughs’:

Certainly there are board-certified doctors in our state who will attest to what seems self-evident to so many: gay sex is not good for the body or mind. Pardon a crude comparison but regarding men with men, we are talking about a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down. Frankly, I’d question the judgment of doctor who says it’s all fine. South Dakota docs, it’s time for you to come out of the closet and give your professional opinion on this matter like you capably and responsibly do on all the others. Somehow the message we are presently getting from the medical community is that eating at McDonalds will kill us but the gay lifestyle has no side effects. Truth be told it seems self-evident the list of side effects would read far longer than anything we hear on a Cialis commercial.

Something tells me that Hickey never got past “see your doctor if you experience an erection lasting four hours or longer” which is both feature and bug.

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Why is it important to Hickey that doctors speak out now?

If you don’t speak up, this issue will be decided by five unelected judges on the Supreme Court regardless of what states like ours have decided by public vote.

The assumption by Hickey seems to be that, if the Supreme Court tells gay people they can’t get married, then they give butt sex therefore taking ass-play out of play for all of America. Of course, Hickey seems to have not heard that the Supreme Court already told America that they can legally lube up, so even if the Supremes rule against same-sex marriage, all of us: gay, straight, decline to be categorized by the dominant heteronormative hegemony will still have a butt sex end-around.

So to speak…

[Image via DonkeyHotey on FLICKR, Creative Commons licensed]