North Korea hacked Sony,but why? Was it really about a current movie release starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, or was there something much more sinister at play? The answer may come as shocking, but I have the exclusive uncensored report below.

A Hwasong Suey rocket aims towards Seoul after North Korea hacked Sony.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who recently disappeared from public view for nearly six weeks, has resurfaced after being rescued from squombies (zombie squid) that rose up from the Yellow Sea. South Korea’s National Intelligence Service told sources during a closed-door meeting that a North Korean rocket, launched last year between May and June, fell short of its target and exploded in the Yellow Sea. The plutonium enriched weapon contaminated the waters and brought about what North Korean scientists are referring to as a Squombie Apocalypse. Mutant brain-sucking squid have recently invaded the hermit kingdom and placed Pyongyang on high alert.

Are zombie squid the reason North Korea hacked Sony?

During the briefing, top level officials in North Korea confided to media sources that the Dear Leader had been continuously attacked by the squombies and unable to get out of his palace room. Medical experts contribute Kim’s survival to the generous layers of fat around his head which the squombies were unable to penetrate to get to his small, delicate brain. During his lengthy time of disappearance, the Dear Leader had a Do Not Disturb sign on his door, 600 cans of Vienna sausages and a bootleg copy of The Interview. Nobody dared enter the room. Kim is believed to be recovering, South Korean lawmakers were told, but it might take several weeks of feasting on buckets of the Colonel’s Original Recipe before he’s back to his previous level of obesity.

North Korea Hacked Sony

After his conspicuous absence throughout most of September, Kim seemed to reappear October 14, when North Korean state media published a picture of him beating Tiger Woods in a friendly game of golf. Kim hadn’t been seen in public since he reportedly attended a Miley Cyrus concert with his wife on September 3. It was a great honor for the young Nashville popstar who allegedly learned everything she knows about twerking from the North Korean dictator. It was his longest absence from official events since he made his first public appearance in 2010, according to NK News, a website devoted to analyzing North Korea. Just before his disappearance, Kim was seen limping, prompting theories he was suffering everything from weight gain to gout. His sudden disappearance took a concerning turn earlier this month when he didn’t appear at events to mark the 65th anniversary of the Worker’s Party of North Korea. Kim’s failure to appear fueled rampant speculation.

When the truth of the Squombie invasion could no longer be contained, Kim resurfaced with another batch of rockets. These rockets, which prematurely exploded in the Yellow Sea, contained enough substandard antimatter to turn the squombies back into their original form of sea life. Out of fear that Sony might make a movie of the North Korean Squombie Apocalypse, Kim Jong Un ordered DPRK cyber experts to hack into the movie mogul’s computer systems and bring them all to a crashing halt. Now you know the truth as to why North Korea hacked Sony. It had nothing to do with a current movie and everything to do with zombie squid.

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Happy Travels,

Big John