OTTUMWA, IA—As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter “You’re a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies,” reports confirmed Thursday. “Look here, pal, fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you,” the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats, independents, and even moderate Republicans to join together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era. “If that’s what you believe, you’re clearly an idiot, and I don’t need your vote. Seriously, you and every single person in this fucking town deserves to die. Now back the hell up before I tear your throat out with my goddamn teeth.” After the event, a screaming, red-faced Biden reportedly continued to share his inspiring vision by informing a group of unwitting Iowans that he could beat their asses with one hand tied behind his back.

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