NEWTON'S OPTIC:WHO WOULD Ulster Protestants vote for in the presidential election, if we had a vote and were forced at gunpoint to use it? The answer is certainly Dana, for the following excellent reasons:

1Dana and Martin McGuinness were born within a year of each other and grew up in the same working-class housing estate in Derry, yet Dana did not join the IRA. This proves there was never any social, political or historical inevitability about Martin McGuinness joining the IRA.

2Dana has murdered several songs, but always on the record.

3Dana was actually born in London, so a brief biography of her childhood can get the words “London” and “Derry” quite close together, as in “London-born Derry singer Dana”. Technically, this also makes her even more British than Mary McAleese.

4Dana is a proper Catholic. Proper Protestants respect this. It’s lapsed Catholics we don’t trust.

5Dana’s husband was involved in the Catholic Church’s charismatic renewal movement in the 1970s, making him one accident of birth away from being a proper Protestant himself.

6After her marriage, Dana set up home in Rostrevor, about as far away from Derry as it is possible to get while remaining in Northern Ireland. Any Protestant will find this understandable. By a remarkable coincidence, Mary McAleese also set up home in Rostrevor, but somehow she made it look a bit showy.

7Dana has had a very successful career as a US-based Christian recording artist, connecting her to a hugely important Ulster Protestant subculture that everyone else finds a bit mental.

8Dana has performed in three Royal Variety Shows, beginning in 1988, a full decade before Mary McAleese first met Queen Elizabeth. In 1995, in the space of a week, she performed separately for Pope John Paul II, president Bill Clinton and Queen Elizabeth. Admittedly, she has not performed for Nelson Mandela, but neither has she compared herself to Nelson Mandela. That would be nauseating.

9Dana has never endorsed, nor been endorsed by, the UDA.

10Dana appeared in the Best of British Variety Tour 2010 alongside Paul Daniels, The Krankies, The Grumbleweeds, Syd Little and Christopher Biggins. As an exercise in cultural outreach, this was more courageous and personally difficult than any number of meetings with the UDA.

11Dana is a Eurovision winner who became an anti-European politician, then ran for the European Parliament. Once again, note the parallel with Martin McGuinness’s “journey” and yet the absence of a single body in the road.

12Dana opposes contraception, which may increase the number of Catholics. But she also opposes divorce, so they should all be suitably miserable.

13Unlike a certain other candidate, who has complained about “west Brits” in the media, Dana has complained about “intellectuals” in the media. Suspicion of intellectuals is a strongly shared cultural value (see “US-based Christian recording artist”, above.)

14Although she always describes herself as being from Ireland, Dana’s website contains three references to “Northern Ireland”. Try finding even one on MartinForTheAras.ie.

15Dana has recorded several singles written specifically for an Ulster Protestant audience. Hits include No Road Back, A Ticket to Nowhere, Who Put the Lights Outand There’s Nothing You Can Do to Change My Mind.