MALE hair loss-related anxiety can be cured by growing a pair of balls and getting on with it, it has emerged.

As scientists claim a baldness cure will hit pharmacies within two years, researchers at the Institute for Studies have found a link between worrying about hair loss and being unmanly.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There are all kinds of terrible medical complaints that kill you, having some follicles fall out isn’t one of them.

“If a man is freaking out about such a relatively paltry thing he’s either way too self-absorbed or has been ‘turned’ by the trend for marketing male vanity as something that is socially acceptable.

“They need to remember that nothing with a pair of testicles attached to it can ever be truly beautiful, despite what the magazines say.”

36-year-old male pattern baldness sufferer Tom Logan said: “I was spending a fortune on pills containing ‘Hair-o-mine’ and weird roll-ons made from donkey’s adrenal glands.

“It was my girlfriend who suggested I stop whining like a baby animal and start acting like a penis owner.”