I’ve been talking a LOT about sex toys lately, I know. Bear with me :)

California Exotics USB-Powered E-Sensual Bullet Vibrator

The other day while browsing new additions to EF I stumbled across this bullet vibe from CalExotics that is USB-powered. No, not USB-rechargeable. USB POWERED. I read the reviews, many of which made me a bit irritated so I immediately bought this thing myself just so I could get across one major point:

It can’t be listed as a “Con” (in the Pros and Cons of the review template) if it was never meant to do that by design. No batteries? No suction cup? WTF?

Moving along. A comment made by many people who commented on the previous reviews was “Looks interesting, but I don’t want to be tied to my computer” to which I say: “Why would you buy/consider this then?” . If I had no electrical outlets in my house, I wouldn’t even contemplate buying a rechargeable vibrator or a plug-in vibrator. Same same.

Okay, really, moving along.

THIS BULLET IS FUCKING AWESOME. WHERE HAS IT BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?!?! And by whole life I mean “while I was working at my old job and used to jerk off at my desk a LOT“. I can’t even tell you how many times I would run out of batteries there; this would have solved the problem 100%. Now that I no longer am in that situation one would think that this vibrator wouldn’t be as useful to me, but you’d be wrong. I have to admit that the place I most frequently masturbate these days is at my desk. In fact I only leave my desk if I require the use of a different toy or want to use my Pure Wand (it works better for me if I’m laying down). Otherwise I sit here with a trusty bullet vibe tucked down in my panties / whatever I’m wearing while I browse my Tumblr porn and read hot blog entries and so on; I usually have a very lovely hands-free orgasm.

That is, of course, until I run out of AAA batteries for my Black Magic bullet vibrator. But no more! The E-Sensual bullet vibrator is REALLY powerful. It’s so powerful that the rumbly-ness of the first level becomes a touch buzzy at the top speed (which is like, whoa, some days even I can’t take it) but it’s still getting me off fabulously. It has 3 patterns and, perhaps because of the rumbly and the intensity, I actually like and use the patterns. I know, right, who am I?!?

The argument of “I don’t want to be tied to my computer” doesn’t hold water for anyone willing to A: Shell out another $10 and who B: has a smartphone. My phone came with this nifty wall charger that actually has a USB-toMicro-USB cable. I removed that cable and plugged in the bullet vibe and IT WORKED. It was also even more powerful, if that’s possible. I haven’t gotten an answer yet from CalEx if this is bad for the toy. Then I did some thinking and remembered that my Bluetooth headset came with a mini USB-to-Micro-USB cable and a car charger that you plugged the USB end into. Voila! You can use your E-Sensual vibe in the car now! So we have computer/laptop, wall outlet, and car charger. ETA: I bought all the necessary cables and USB gender-changer adapters just to find out that it won’t run off of your smartphone’s micro-USB port. Sad, but oh well. We still have extension cables, wall outlets and car chargers!

If you jerk off at your computer, just buy the damn bullet. For the minor faults that I wrote about in my onsite review it is still utterly worth it for folks like me. And it’s affordable. Even with the cables and accessories. (The cable is a bit short for many desktop computer users but again you can buy an extension cable for like less than $6 on Amazon.)

PicoBong: A line of cheap toys that are about as disappointing as I expected

To be fair I’ve only tried one but let’s be real here: I only need to try one. Epiphora and SugarCunt confirmed that the annoying Kiki is cute but weak and disappointing. Which is exactly what the Picobong Honi is: Stupidly designed, surface-buzzy as hell and not very strong. I knew this before I bought it. I did. But again, I think I wanted it just so that I could write a review that didn’t focus on using the goddamned thing internally. I mean seriously, why would you once you see the controls?? Just because it has a “retrieval cord”? Just because Picobong stupidly claims it can be used internally? If they meant for it to be used internally, why oh why would they put the control buttons on the side of the bullet? Is this suddenly now a game to see if you can clench your PC muscles enough and in the right location to change the vibration while it’s inside of you? Wow. Dumb. If they hadn’t actually said on their awful site that it was an external bullet it wouldn’t be quite so bad. They say you should set it and then insert it (duh). So if you wanna change it up, you have to take it out, covered in fluids, and change it? Riiiiight. And the indented PicoBong name and buttons are a bitch and a half to get clean. The cap also is really, really difficult to get on straight and tight enough for me to believe that it really is waterproof. I don’t see an o-ring. I turned it on and dropped it in a sink of water. At first I thought it was dead because I saw no ripples in the water (and it wasn’t very deep). But no, it was running. After a few minutes I took it out and dried it off, opened that cap and sure enough there was some moisture.

What do you get when Lelo tries to create something “affordable” for the younger crowd? You get a box that’s flimsier than the cheapest toy companies and a battery-operated poorly-designed dud. Lelo seems to be intent on never offering anybody any real stimulation to write home about. OH! And just to make you feel better about spending the money on this thing they’ve included a FUN DICE! (Die? Singular?) It has vague images of their various toys on it instead of numbers or anything. Which is…..I….I don’t even know. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing? Do they intend for it to be like Pokemon and we collect the entire line of crap and then roll the dice to come up with our playtime rotation? Because each one will come with the same damn die so you’ll then have half a dozen worthless dice. So you’re holding this thing and wondering what the fuck to do with it. You go to their website and you find where they talk about it, finally, and first you find a Pacman-like game on the site (yawn) and then somewhere (I can’t even find it now) there’s a “So what do I do with this die?” FAQ questions and their answer is “We were hoping you’d tell us!”

*headdesk*

The whole site irritates the shit out of me. Everything about it. Everything about the toys. ENOUGH WITH THIS “C-SPOT” shit! And to top it off, the toys are still overpriced for what they are. In fact, here’s one for $20 that’s probably better, but similar concept and design.

So there you go. One post, two bullet vibes, polar opposites. The CalEx (I know I’m almost choking endorsing something by them) E-Sensual USB Bullet Vibrator is fucking awesome; while the PicoBong by Lelo Honi Bullet Vibrator is an annoying piece of junk.

Post sponsored by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store