5 Reasons Why Jennifer Lawrence Should Date Me

After a while of dating a bunch of obnoxious Hollywood jerkoffs with humor to equal that of seven year-olds with a bizarre poop fixation, one would expect that most starlets, would, you know, STOP FUCKING DOING IT.

My pitch is simple; Jennifer Lawrence should date me because I am pretty fucking awesome.

“This requires some serious dating. Serious. Fucking. Dating. Wait; did that came out wrong? Nahhh.”

You think I’m kidding. Fine. Prepare your mind to be blown, because here are five reasons why she should take me up on this once in a lifetime offer;

#5 I Read and Understood 10% of Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling

You might think that ten percent seems a little low. Have you tried reading this motherfucker? He makes Camus look like a National Enquirer writer; shooting for the absolute lowest common denominator. I can talk for about 45 seconds on the merits of Fear and Trembling before it degenerates into a rambling on the volatility of whatever the fuck comes to mind. Some might call it a case of Philosophical ADHD, others would just ask why the hell I chose to read this in the first place.

“Leap! Leap damn you! Oh, hold on, don’t attempt the…! Fuck. Now I have to go scrub that from my memory. Who’s got the heroin?”

If you think you wouldn’t enjoy this, you’re lying to yourself. A man jumping around and flailing his hands and fingers in manners that make him look as if he is typing Paradise Lost on a three hundred and sixty degree keyboard. Think about the possibilities when “Master of Puppets” comes on the radio; think about it.

#3 Phone: Not the Droid You Were Looking For

One of the most annoying idiosyncrasies of the modern twenty-something is the inability to go anywhere without looking at their smartphone every thirty four seconds consistently for the whole motherfucking date. I do not have that issue, because my phone looks something like this:

“Wow Bob, the reception on this motherfucker is great. Is this a Nokia?”

Yep. No smartphone for this guy. Thus, my full and undivided attention will be on you the entire fucking time. Complete composure and focus on the person across the table. That plus the fact that the person across the table is super-hot kind of keeps your eyes up, rather than looking at a phone.

#2 I Have Great Hair

If you think that hair is only important for those who actually pay $35 for a bottle of conditioner, then think again. My hair is just impressive. With ridiculous thickness and incredible body, it makes most people just green with hair-envy. Rogaine covets its luster and strength.

“It looks nothing like this.”

Basically, it is as if the Norse god of hair decided to bestow his lustrous locks on my head. It looks awesome.

#1 I Embody A Type of Awesome

This picture is sort of kind of maybe what it is. I don’t rightly know. Can you bottle the essence of awesome that I have? No. Fuck no. Nothing can really contain it. Except for maybe some sort of anti-awesome kryptonite. Like a textbook on how Samuel Johnson is better than Jonathan Pope. I would read the shit out of that, but I would also be laid low for a while too.

“Imagine this times a thousand supernova-ing miniature white dwarf stars plus a few human dwarfs dancing the Macarena totally out of tune.”

Basically, I am saying that you should consider going on a date with me once because you have literally nothing to lose. I got no money, no name/fame, but I can hold a conversation about pretty much anything and like having fun. If you dislike these things, well, fuck me with a cactus.

Photographs in Order:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/11/18/jennifer-lawrence-comedy-s-new-queen.html

http://tobiasmastgrave.wordpress.com/2012/02/18/a-review-of-fear-and-trembling-by-soren-kierkegaard/

http://www.guitarlessons.com/pictures/eddie-van-halen-pictures/

http://www.lowdensitylifestyle.com/creative-intelligence-and-i-q-part-2/

http://sharpwriter.deviantart.com/art/Welcome-to-the-Internet-Please-Follow-me-322248378