How to Fossilise Your Hamster ... And Other Amazing Experiments for the Armchair Scientist by Mick O'Hare

Can I make gold out of other matter?

The answer is yes, and it is surprisingly easy.

What do I need?

1. A regular column in the New Scientist.

2. A constant flow of trivial ideas from neeky readers.

3. A desire to cash in on previous Christmas bestsellers Does Anything Eat Wasps? and Why Don't Penguins' Feet Freeze?

What do I do?

Recycle a few good ideas and plenty of duff ones, tart them up with a bit of science and watch them walk out of the shops and gather dust in a toilet near you all next year.

Can you fool yourself into believing you are eating something other than the food in your mouth?

Of course. Haven't you worked out the format yet? I ask a question to which you expect the answer no and surprise you with a yes. Think about it. If the answer was no, it would be a very short book.

What do I need?

1. A chicken nugget.

2. A strong constitution.

What do I do?

Put chicken nugget in your mouth and chew. Your taste buds will believe you are eating chicken breast. In fact, you are eating mechanically recovered scraps of claw and beak, along with large quantities of salt, sugar and saturated fats.

Does talking on a mobile phone really slow your reactions?

Do I have to spell it out again?

What do I need?

1. A mobile phone.

2. A car.

3. A pedestrian who isn't paying attention.

What do I do?

Have a row with your partner on the phone while driving to work. Fail to spot a pedestrian stepping into the road and knock him over.

I've been told you can extract your own DNA at home. Is this true?

Are you congenitally stupid?

What do I need?

1. A teaspoon of salt diluted in water.

2. Washing-up liquid.

3. A tumbler of ice-cold 50% proof vodka.

What do I do?

Swish salty water around your mouth for 30 seconds and spit into washing-up liquid. Add a few drops of alcohol and you will see spindly, thread-like traces. This is your DNA. Sink the remaining vodka as you realise your parents are not who you imagined. Console yourself with the fact you also have the gene for Alzheimer's so will soon forget all about it.

Can I weigh my own head?

I'm beginning to lose patience.

What do I need?

1. A saw.

2. A set of scales.

What do I do?

Chop off your head and place it on the scales. Remember to add an extra 21 grams for your soul if you were dim enough to take that Sean Penn film seriously.

Can I obtain half the country's bank details without asking for them?

I'm not answering this bit any more.

What do I need?

1. A phone.

What do I do?

Ring the Inland Revenue and ask them for a few names and addresses and see what turns up.

PS This experiment depends on a reliable postal service, so you may need to try it more than once.

Can I fossilise a hamster?

What do I need?

1. A hamster.

2. A gun.

What do I do?

Dispatch hamster with a shot to the back of the head. Take the corpse to Lyme Regis and bury it. Wait 200,000 years. Look, I'm getting desperate here. Have we got enough for a book yet? Thank God for that.

The digested read, digested: Coming to a lavvy near you this Christmas.