“Which is weird, but at least it explains why Melania started smoking unfiltered Pall Malls.” — SETH MEYERS “In fairness to his chief of staff, you try breathing in a room where a man just went through four cans of hair spray. You’d cough also.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “Can you imagine working for that guy? [As Trump] ‘George, the Iranians are clearly in violation — can we start over? That guy blinked, O.K.? Stop the blinking. If your eyes are thirsty, they can have a Diet Coke like the rest of us.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT “Wow, he’s got to get over that. If Trump can’t talk while people coughed, he’s never going to be able to debate Bernie Sanders.” — JIMMY FALLON

Trump also sparred with Stephanopoulos over recent polls that indicated voters preferred Joe Biden.



“Trump basically treats polls the way some people treat their bathroom scales. When you’re happy with the number, ‘This is science! That’s what I weigh!’ But if the number isn’t what you want it to be, it’s, ‘This [expletive] is going back to Bed Bath & Beyond!’” — TREVOR NOAH “The Trump campaign acknowledged that the polls are real, but calls them ‘incomplete and misleading,’ saying they represent a ‘worst-case scenario’ for voter turnout. It’s true. Voters turning out is their worst-case scenario.” — STEPHEN COLBERT “[Imitating Trump] Yes, the polls show I won everywhere. I defeated the Golden State Warriors to become the N.B.A. champs, I won ‘America’s Got Talent,’ and ‘Donald, will you accept this rose?’ ‘Why, yes I will. Thank you.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (O.J. Simpson Edition)

This weekend, O.J. Simpson introduced his official Twitter account with a video declaring that he “has a little getting even to do.”

“If you’re O.J. Simpson, there are some phrases you should never use. ‘I got a little getting even to do?’ No. ‘Have you seen my gloves?’ No. And the worst one: ‘Pass me the knife.’ No, O.J., you cut your steak with a fork, my friend.” — TREVOR NOAH “Imagine getting a push notification saying ‘O.J. Simpson is now following you.’ That’s the scariest phrase in the English language. He should have joined Snapchat — at least Snapchat destroys the evidence for you.” — TREVOR NOAH “He’s only been on Twitter for like four days, he’s already got almost 700,000 followers. The last time O.J. had this many people following him he was on the 405 headed to the Mexican border.” — JIMMY KIMMEL “Even crazier, O.J. just got a message from Trump asking him if he’d be the White House press secretary.” — JIMMY FALLON “I know this is the wrong take, but he looks terrific. I mean, dude’s 71. What’s your secret? I mean, your other secret.” — SETH MEYERS

The Bits Worth Watching

James Corden is in London all week, where he employed some celebrities to play dodgeball: Team U.S.A. (Michelle Obama, Allison Janney, Melissa McCarthy, Kate Hudson, Lena Waithe and Mila Kunis) versus Team U.K. (Corden, Harry Styles, Reggie Watts, Benedict Cumberbatch and John Bradley).