A reader writes:

I’m a professor and I direct a lab that does my research; my lab consists of a small group of relatively short-term students and also long-term staff. One lab staff member who has worked with me for years (“Icarus”) is very talented, and consequently I helped her develop professional skills beyond the typical level of someone in her position.

I am now having a major problem with Icarus’ attitude, which has deteriorated dramatically. She is openly disrespectful of me, disruptive of my lab, complaining all the time, and almost combative towards me about many lab decisions. I am curious how this could have been prevented, and if there is anything I can do about it now other than firing her, which is probably what I will do soon. But I don’t want this to happen again!

All was well in my lab for many years. A couple years ago, Icarus started becoming more rude and less professional in interactions with me, openly expressing frustration both when we met in private, in her emails to me, and also in my lab’s general meetings. This started right after I was successful in finally getting her a promotion and increase in pay that she had wanted! Which I personally was paying for. (I should say that as in many universities, my lab is entirely run and funded by me as if I were CEO of a small business — all personnel, including Icarus and me, are paid for through my grants that I obtain solely in my own name, and if I lose my grants or go over budget, my school will discipline me and possibly I’ll be fired or my lab closed down, etc.)

I thought maybe Icarus was experiencing a temporary personal crisis or something like that — it was so unexpected. So I tried to respond mostly sympathetically to her attitude change and have tried to work through it. I met with her often to check about her complaints and tried to check about her work level and if it was too much, and I was supportive of hearing her concerns, etc. But I also haven’t been a cream puff boss — I had some tough meetings with her and made clear that certain behaviors (such as refusing to do experiments that I asked to be done) were simply not okay. No matter what I did, the behavior continued and has gotten worse with time.

The most confusing thing to me has been that her bitterest complaints and battles with me have been about things that I, as the professor, would obviously have the final say about since it’s my lab. Things such as my lab’s overall research directions, the writing and data and citations we include in papers and grant applications, which particular aspiring students we should accept into the lab to train, and so on. Icarus gets white hot mad at me when I do not take her exact advice or preference on these things. I’ve sat down with her and asked, why are you mad about this? And she has said that she is more knowledgeable about the science and field and grants and the writing of scientific papers than I am (?!). I’m baffled by this response because she knows very well she does not have much experience in these areas. I try to be sensitive to her feelings and say that I appreciate her input, etc. and then I carefully explain the scientific reasons behind my decisions. But it doesn’t work — she just stays mad and continues to think I am wrong.

It feels like such a ridiculous situation to me … why do I have to keep arguing with a lab worker about these things? I’m a tenured professor with 40 years experience and I’ve been very successful in my field and so on, and Icarus is a much younger lab worker in my lab without an advanced degree.

One more thing — I’m a woman. I thought maybe Icarus would respond better to a male faculty member and this has proven correct. I brought a male faculty friend of mine to some of our lab meetings, and of course he agreed with me about research directions and so on. Interestingly, Icarus now thinks this male faculty member is the cat’s pajamas, and asks to consult him about all our disagreements! Which is not happening, of course — I am fully capable of running my own lab.

So, any suggestions?

Fire Icarus. Like, this week.

You’ve been way too tolerant, and it’s time to end this. It’s not okay for someone who works for you to be be openly disrespectful, disruptive, rude, and combative. Academia can have a higher tolerance for disagreement than some other work environments do, but what you’ve described in truly unacceptable in any environment.

It’s great that you’ve tried to be supportive and sympathetic to whatever might be going on with her, and that you’ve tried to hear her out and respond to her complaints. But only up to a point — once someone’s behavior is openly rude and disruptive, it’s time to sit the person down and say, “This is how things are going to continue to run here, and I need you to decide if you can work here and be reasonably content knowing that or not. It’s not an option to stay and continue being combative and disruptive.”

It sounds like you’re long past that point.

But you have had meetings where you’ve told her these behaviors weren’t okay, which is good. She’s continued them anyway, which means that this is now the part where you say, “We’ve discussed in the past that I can’t have you work here and continue to do XYZ. Those behaviors have continued and even worsened, and so I need to let you go.”

I suspect you’ve let this go on as long as you have because you’ve been trying to understand it. Her behavior is so odd (telling you that she’s more knowledgeable about your field than you are?!) that you’re trying to figure out where on earth it’s coming from, and if there’s something you can do that will make her behave differently.

But at a certain point — and you’re long past that point — it doesn’t matter why someone is being disruptive and inappropriate. It only matters that they are, and that you can’t have that. You’ve told her that, she’s ignored you, and now it’s time to follow through on that.

You asked about preventing this again. The key really is to call out inappropriate behavior early on, make it clear what you need the person to do differently, be clear that the issues are serious ones, and then impose the natural consequences pretty swiftly if they continue. One of the problems with cutting people slack over and over is that — while it can feel like you’re being kind and accommodating, giving the person chance after chance — you train them to believe that they don’t need to take you seriously when you tell them “this isn’t okay and I need you to change it.” They can even end up blindsided when you eventually do fire them — not that they should be blindsided if they’ve been warned for months/years that their behavior is unacceptable, but your actions have contradicted your words (because you’re saying “this isn’t okay” while letting it happen over and over).

The best thing you can do is to be really up-front and transparent when you need someone to operate differently, and then mean it.