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I hate packing.

Traveling continentally is something I’ve done a fair amount of, but usually I’m with my family or friends, and it’s not a big deal if my suitcase is the size of a small human.

In an attempt of Daring Greatly, as per Brene Brown, I decided to spend my birthday this year gallivanting through Europe by myself. There are so many things I should and could be nervous about for this trip.

But what is really making me nervous is the packing.

Packing always freaks me out because I am the queen of not knowing what to wear. What if the weather changes and I need those four sweater options? What if I pack while I’m in the mood for rainbow hues and I’m in a gothic mood when I get there?

But every adorable millennial travel Instagrammer says the NUMBER ONE rule of a successful, laid-back, beautiful adventurer is packing everything in a carry on.

Everyone I stalk on the internet or talk to in person goes ON about how you don’t want to carry your luggage around because it’ll ruin your trip, everyone loses their luggage internationally, and the best carefree travelers don’t need that much stuff to carry around.

Naturally, when I read this, I started googling carry-ons. God, they are ADORABLE. But when I tried to figure out how to Tetris three weeks of clothing into 21” of space, the panic attacks began. See, it’s one thing to pack a little capsule wardrobe as a straight size fashion blogger.

But when you’re a 3X, it’s not as easy.

One pair of jeans? The case is a quarter full. A sweater? Halfway there. Don’t even get me started on shoes. Even my sandals take up too much space at a size eleven. Don’t get me wrong, I even placated my fashion blogger urges and tried to figure out how to get away with a week of clothes for my three week trip. But every time I tried, I ended up sitting in tears with underwear in my hands.

Packing is stressful enough, and I just want to have fun and be an adorable millennial Instagram travel blogger like everyone else. But it’s not that simple.

I just don’t fit.

When you’re plus sized, it doesn’t have to be a blatant comment about being too fat to travel. It’s the ignorance that eats away at you. The fact that when I say I’m going to check a bag, I’m told I’ll lose my luggage, I’m going to be miserable, I obviously haven’t traveled much or researched anything. Or when I say I can’t pack that small, I’m told I’m being lazy or haven’t tried.

But when I blatantly say, “I’m too fat for a carry on,” they either ignore me or still tell me it’s an excuse, because they can do it with their size four clothes.

I’m not hating on anyone smaller than me. Honestly, I’m jealous. I would love to pack all my shit in a cute pink carry on spinner set. It fulfills all my travel dreams.

But I can’t.

So I’m going to check a bag.

Because if I’m going to be dragging along a big ass suitcase, I might as well be able to look fabulous in all the size 24 clothing I want.