Objective 2, Book 4b– Day 4

A couple days have gone by and Buster has finally EP’d Objective 2. It took 7 sessions. He has been running me on it and I can’t believe how annoying he is. I am on my 4th session.

“What you realize girl?” He asks in his Virginian southern drawl.

The way that Buster says this sentence will soon be mocked by all of the boys. Louis, Derek and my Ryan crush are advocates for this fad.

“I haven’t realized shit,” I respond.

“We know the EP’s girl,” he insists.

“How many times do I need to tell you that not everyone has the same EP? Besides, they are going to make us run this for several sessions,” I profess.

“You should manifest a blow,” he suggests.

“Dude what the fuck? Why don’t you manifest a blow?” I ask.

“Because you are the one running the session. If you manifest a blow, I bet they will EP you,” he suggests.

“Just run the freaking Objective,” I instruct.

“Fine,” he scoffs.

“Give me that hand,” Buster commands.

I comply.

“What you realize girl?” he asks.

“Dude, I will tell you if I have anything to cog,” I inform him in an irritated tone.

“How about you realize that you have the ability to give me your hand? Let me write that down real quick,” he suggests.

I am beyond irritated with his unwillingness to just run the drill. Moreover, I hate that he thinks he has all of the answers. It is also beyond frustrating that Makayla appears to be unaware of his shenanigans. I realize she has a cluster fuck of wild animals posing as students to tend to, but it puts me in a tough spot having to argue with him after every single command. It’s not her fault. She has too much to do.

“Give me that hand,” Buster commands.

I comply and we run it three times flat.

“Time for part B,” Buster says.

We both stand and move our chairs out of the way so that we can run this part of the Objective.

“You look at that wall,” Buster commands.

I look at the wall.

“You walk over to that wall,” he commands.

I walk over to the wall.

“You realizing anything?” He asks.

I glare at him. “It is much more difficult to realize things when you are constantly hounding me to do so. It interrupts my train of thought,” I confess.

“You don’t have to actually realize shit Liz. You just make shit up and say what you think they want you to say,” he elaborates.

“I am aware of this Buster, but it does not behoove us to just cog shit every 3 minutes. We have to run crap flat in between and you need to document bites. The paperwork needs to look legit,” I say while rolling my eyes.

“Fine. You touch that wall,” he commands.

I refuse to touch the wall. Buster just sits there. He doesn’t attempt to make me touch the wall, despite the fact that he is supposed to use intention without reservation and force me to touch the wall.

“Hello! You are supposed to make me touch the wall. You are the one biting left and right here. I am attempting to bite and you aren’t documenting it. I told you, the paperwork needs to have that crap on it. Otherwise it looks like we are just sitting her cogging crap and not actually running it,” I say angrily.

“I repeat the command, you touch that wall,” he commands.

“Dude, are you kidding me right now? You don’t repeat the commands! You are supposed to force me to touch the wall,” I reiterate.

“Fine,” he scoffs, before pushing my hand into the wall.

He doesn’t acknowledge that the command has been executed. I wait for him to say, “Thank you,” but he does not.

“Turn around,” he commands.

“The command is, “You turn around,” and you didn’t acknowledge me dude. Come on,” I say.

“You realizing anything yet?” He asks.

I can feel myself at my breaking point. He is driving me berserk! Is he trying to force me to blow?

“Yea, I have a cog,” I say.

“Finally,” he laughs.

“I realize, that there are often situations in life that I will have to man up and get through, even when I don’t want to,” I cog.

“How about, I realize that sometimes I am in situations that I don’t want to be in?” He asks.

“What the fuck Buster! Just write my fucking cog down!” I scream.

This grabs Makayla’s attention. “Liz what’s going on over there?” She asks, while walking in our direction.

“Nothing. He won’t write my fucking cogs down the way that I dictate them and he’s fucking off and not listening,” I scream.

“You need to calm down. Buster you need to write down what Liz says verbatim. Liz you and your twin are supposed to grow together and get each other through. Don’t talk to him like that,” she instructs.

My blood begins to boil. She clearly has no idea of the kind of fuckery he is putting me through. I know she has not witnessed the fact that he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing, but still, I find my anger redirected towards her.

“Quit being a little bitch Buster,” I mumble under my breath.

“So, what was your cog?” He asks.

“Are you fucking kidding me! Damn it Buster! I am so done! I am over this! I need a fucking cigarette!” I scream, as I flip over the chair beside me. I walk over to my backpack behind Makayla’s desk.

“Liz! What are you doing? You need to stay in session. You know you can’t smoke when running Objectives Liz,” Makayla insists.

“Does it look like I give a flying fuck?” I scream. “Watch me!”

I pull a cigarette out and race to the door. Makayla races after me, but I am out the door and slam it in her face, before lighting a cigarette and breaking down in tears of frustration.

Makayla opens the door after me and informs me that I need to put my cigarette out, but I ignore her. I walk around to the backside of the building. I don’t want her to see me crying. I am not crying because I am sad. I am overwhelmed with both anger and frustration and I cannot control the tears pouring down my cheeks. I hear her go back inside. I don’t realize she is getting Buster.

I do not witness the conversation that happens between them. However, he later informs me that she insisted that he needed to go after me and calm me down because he is my twin. Where I go, he goes, and vice versa.

“Liz,” Buster says. “You need to come back in and finish our session, ” He instructs.

“Why don’t you go back in and write down that I manifested a fucking serious blow and am in BIs (Bad indicators)!” I scream.

“You don’t want to have bad indicators,” Makayla chimes in.

“Well does it look like I am experiencing fucking joyful indicators right now? Oh well!” I rage. “I don’t want you to see me cry. Go away!”

“You stay out here with her and get her back in session,” Makayla tells Buster, before heading back into the course room.

I can hear other students in the course room laughing and expressing their disbelief about my blow. Some express legitimate concern, however, they are not allowed to come out and comfort me. I know Keisha wishes she could.

“Good job,” Buster whispers.

“What?” I question.

“You manifested a serious blow. They are for sure going to EP you now,” he laughs.

“You know that I didn’t do that to move off this Objective, right?” I ask. “I am seriously pissed off and annoyed that you are not writing down my cogs.”

“I know. I just thought I would push you a little and it worked!” He exclaims, proudly.

“Let me hit that square (cigarette),” he suggests.

“Fuck no,” I scowl.

“Come on Liz. I’ll put a pack on my Walmart list for you,” he promises.

“Dude you have been saying that since you got here 2 months ago. You already owe me 2 packs and like 3 boxes of CLE’s (Crystal Light Energy packets),” I respond. “I’m done with your bullshit.”

I hand Buster my butt (smoke) when there is maybe two drags left on it. He smokes it down to the filter, before we head back in.

“There is only a few minutes left of session. Get her into VGIs,” Makayla announces.

We run the Objective until it is time to end the session. I cog a few times about control issues, temper and my ability to make better choices and control myself. Buster is insistent that we will be on Objective 3 after lunch because he pushed me to blow. I am not sure if I can take much more of this. If he is right, I will be happy to move on. However, I am angry that he pushed me and that he thinks he is slick. If he is wrong, I will be disappointed to have to run this Objective again, but will delight in being able to tell him that he is wrong and to knock it the fuck off. We come back from lunch and to my surprise, our names on the whiteboard have moved. They EP’d me and we are moving on to Objective 3! I have mixed feelings about this. The only consistent feeling, is my desire to smack Buster upside his head…

Today’s Theme Song- Hit the Floor- Linkin Park

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**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**