TOMS RIVER, NJ—Admitting that it was “a big step down” for a refined product such as itself to take the job in the first place, an artesian truffle oil confirmed Tuesday that it was deeply embarrassed to be working with low-class ingredients on loaded fries. “For years, I’ve been considered a delicacy, and now they just dump some runny sour cream all over me,” said the mortified infused oil, lamenting that it has found itself among “peasant foods” like ground beef, jalapeños, and bacon bits. “I don’t want to come off as elitist, but I have no business working as bar food. Not so long ago I was headlining Michelin-starred restaurants, and now they want to package me in a happy hour special with $3 Miller Lights? The cheek.” At press time, the truffle oil was objecting to its description in the menu as a “fixin.”

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