(Our ISP has recently had to block access to a certain download site as the result of a court order. This takes place the day that the block came into effect.)

Customer: “Why can I not access [site]?”

Me: “As part of a court order, [site] has now been blocked on our network. If you wish further information regarding this please refer to [information site].”

Customer: “I want a discount!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want a discount! I pay for a service and you are now limiting my service. I want money off my subs!”

Me: “I’m afraid that we cannot do that.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I got hundreds of movies, shows and games off that site! Where will I get them now?”

Me: “I guess you’ll have to purchase them, sir.”

Customer: “Why? They’re available free online and now you’re preventing me getting them. How is that fair?”

Me: “Most of the content on that site was illegal and it is against the terms of your service to use your connection for the illegal download of copyrighted material.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid. If it was illegal, why would it be available for download for free?”

Me: “That’s why we’ve had to block the site, sir. It’s because of all the illegal content.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t download anything illegal from it, so unblock it now!”

Me: “What was the last thing you downloaded, sir?”

(The customer tells me the name of an exceptionally popular movie. It’s still doing extremely well in the cinema, and won’t be available at retail until September.)

Me: “That’s still in the cinemas, sir. You can’t even buy that in the shops yet. That would be an illegal download.”

Customer: “No, it’s not!”

(This goes on for another 15 minutes, with the customer adamant that because he could download it for free, then it must be legal. Note that he has also been extremely rude and aggressive whilst I remain calm.)

Me: “Sir, I take it that you are going to continue to download illegal material?”

Customer: “Yes, because it’s not illegal!”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. I’ve just processed an immediate cancel of your services. Your broadband service will be cancelled within the next hour due to breach of your terms of service. Your details will also be passed to the relevant authorities to investigate your illegal activities. Your final bill is [price]. We no longer wish you as a customer. Thank you for your time.”

(I passed on the details and his service was cancelled within 10 minutes. I’ve yet to hear about whether he was investigated or not. My manager gave me a cookie for dealing with the call so well.)