Every student or office goer in India in his/her early twenties has to go through the arduous task of writing his/her Statement of Purpose (SOP) when he/she applies to graduate schools in the US. (No one is excluded here, since everyone goes to the US to study).

The SOP is crucial, but is it really as hard to write one as you have been led to believe? Not at all.

As someone who wrote his SOP many years ago, I would say it is much like writing an unreal, satirical article. There’s hardly any difference.

Here are 10 tips.

1. Always begin with a proverb

Always begin with some proverb that may or may not be related to whatever you are planning to pursue. Even if there’s no proverb, make up one and put it in quotes.

For example, say something like this:

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

- Al Mcguire

and then add, “it is a famous proverb, but if it were true, research wouldn’t be happening in the world. There are millions of unexplained phenomena in the universe that attract people to the magnetic field of research,” and then go on to profoundly state how the greatest joy in the world comes from finding answers to this unexplained stuff (yes, this is what gives the greatest joy in the world, not sinful scoops of vanilla ice cream in melting slurpy hot brown chocolate sauce topped with crunchy nuts) and that’s what got you attracted to this. Starting off with a proverb in your SOP is as awesome and important as opening your bowling attack with Dale Steyn.

Instead, saying stuff like “I, ______, wish to pursue ___” is like opening your attack with Vinay Kumar.

2. You always wanted to pursue research since you were in nappies

Always use the phrase, “Ever since childhood, I was fascinated by how things worked ____.”

This is to an SOP what “tracer bullet” and “down to the wire” are for Ravi Shastri. An SOP isn’t an SOP without this line. When you were in your nappies, you might have wanted to become a pilot, cricketer, a train driver, an astronaut, a police officer, the prime minister of India (Rahul Gandhi, are you listening?) etc etc, but on your SOP, you always wanted to become a scientist and you had no other goal in life. Yes, whether you like it or not, you were such a loser.

3. You have always been a topper in your school, college etc

Even if you were a last-bench sleeper, a naughty, notorious prankster indulging in everything other than studying and scoring good marks, you are always a topper in your school, at least on your SOP. So feel good about being an unreal topper, at least! Okay, if you feel that’s a bit too much even to imagine, make it “one among the top ranked students.”

If you scored 80 or 90% and above, then you were among the top-ranked students in the state. Actually, in the country. Why not?

If you scored 60 or 70 % (which is actually a crime as per lakhs of Indian families, considering pressure and competition these days) then on your SOP, you DID NOT score 60 or 70, you scored “first class.”

Also, your school wasn’t some unknown school, because…

4. Your college has always been among the top 5 institutions in the country

Your college might have been so obscure that you yourself might not recollect it immediately, but on your SOP, it is one of the best, nay, the “most prestigious” schools in the country. Or, to nail it, say “prestigious school of international acclaim and repute.” Before you lavish extreme, unbridled praise on your college, just make sure it has a website that is functional and engages a viewer for at least 2 clicks of the mouse.

Anyway, it may be possible that your college may not have had enough computers or even 24×7 electricity. But hey, this is your SOP we’re talking about, in which, your college always had excellent, “state-of-the-art” (this is THE MOST important term to use) infrastructure and a great academic atmosphere (yes, even if classes weren’t going on half the time) that was highly conducive (another mandatory key word) to learning!

Also, your work for your college fest taught you management skills that no MBA will!

5. Your engineering project shaped your skills heavily

Your engineering project (which is quite unlikely to be your own) always helped you “hone your technical skills” (Yes, use ‘hone’. It’s a sexy word) and also helped you better your time management skills (In reality, doing things 24 hours before the deadline), fostered the spirit of team work etc etc. (which, in reality, is acquired better by watching movies, hitting the pub, going on trips etc etc).

Describe the project like it’s a path-breaking, earth-shattering piece of heaven that you created.

6. For those who have work experience, your job always taught you a lot

On your SOP, your job, the lousy thing that you can’t wait to get out of, always taught you a lot. You were always appreciated by your manager. You might have been very busy looking at Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Cricinfo etc but on your SOP, even those dull excel sheets you updated taught you the art of diligence and gave you great lessons on how to exercise due care in your work and concentrate properly.

Also, your teamwork skills greatly improved here too. (Do you even know the names of everyone in your team?) Okay may be teamwork already improved in college and that’s enough, but communication skills surely improved a lot here.

7. Your work experience somehow accentuated your interest in research

You might have worked on Java, Perl, C++, whatever, but all this somehow accentuated (Yes, not ‘increased’, not ‘heightened’. No other word is better! ‘Accentuated’ ROCKS!) your interest in pursuing research. I know this is like saying, watching Lionel Messi score goals got you greatly interested in playing kabbadi, but then this is your SOP, so it indeed did.

Okay, let’s get a bit practical. Maybe it did not interest you in research, but it provided you with proficiency and expertise (awesome words alert) in programming languages, which are key prerequisites when it comes to conducting scientific research. So you decided the time was ripe (Yes, baisakhi season it is) for you to take the plunge into the awesome world of research. See, not so unreal and yet amazing, no?

8. Pursuing research in X university is a dream come true

Or instead of saying it so plainly, you could say, pursuing research in X university is everyone’s dream and you are no different. Finally, after blowing your own trumpet for what seems like eternity, you’re down to the begging part. You might have gone on and on about your awesomeness until now, but over here, you yearn and crave for a chance to gain knowledge and give your best. (Yes, on your SOP, gaining as much knowledge as possible is what you’re craving for, not the green card, okay?)

By the way, X is most probably the university you heard about only a few months ago, or the only university you have a chance of getting into, if you have a not-so-great GRE score, but this part of your SOP is like proposing to your girlfriend – you have to say that X is the greatest thing since sliced bread and make them feel that they are your world.

Just be sure to check the university name before you submit your SOP though. In other words, make sure you put the right X, because sometimes, people send SOPs intended for Carnegie Mellon to Stanford and so on.

9. You’ve always loved the research in Y group, under Prof Z

(When I say his, I mean his/her. I am not sexist)

Okay, you’ve looked up this professor yesterday, and taken a glance at the title of one of his paper publications, but on your SOP, you’ve been his devotee, passionately following his work for months. Also, you were totally blown away (okay, not ‘blown away’, say ‘fascinated’. Or if it’s used already, say ‘highly impressed’) by his work and want to pursue research especially on that topic (list the paper).

Yeah, I know if he asks you stuff about it, you’re screwed, but this is not an interview. It’s an SOP, so you’ve stalked him for many months and you know so much about him that you’re the next best thing that can happen to him.

Also, the research group (Yeah, you can’t recollect what it is called off the top of your head, it’s okay) has always been awesome and most importantly, the work they do has coincided with your interests the most (Yeah, remarkable! This coinciding of interests is mandatory and most important).

10. “To sum up”: Re-iterate your awesomeness

Yeah, in the last paragraph, say “To sum up” or “Summing up” and then state your awesomeness again – say you studied in the best school, best college and that you want to continue being awesome by studying in this extraordinary university.

Well, that’s about it. Good luck to all aspirants. Writing a good SOP usually gets you admitted into a good US university, but for those it didn’t, don’t worry, the hours and days of effort you put into your SOP won’t go waste, because it comes with a couple of other positive ramifications:

1. It gives you the talent to write satire and articles for sites like The UnReal Times.

2. If conflated with some discombobulating words from Barron’s (‘discombobulate’ is the most popular word among all lists, btw) you are THE PERFECT spokesperson the Congress party needs now, more than ever. Go for it!