You and your poor attitude to blame for no-deal Brexit

The government has launched a stinging attack on you for your poor attitude during the past three years leading to what appears to be an inevitable no-deal outcome to Brexit.

It launched the attack on you after first attempting to blame the EU, Theresa May, Labour, the Lib Dems, Extinction Rebellion and Gary Lineker for its inability to negotiate sensibly like grown-ups.

“Sat there in your pants on the sofa, eating coco-pops from the box, you’re a bloody disgrace,” said Chancellor for the Duchy of something or other, Michael Gove.

“I don’t know what help you thought that was going to be. I mean, Boris said it, we all need to get pull together and get behind Britain and what did you do? You watched Casualty and went to bed.

“Well, I hope you’re happy now, because we’re going to crash out of Europe with no deal and it’s all your fault.”

Mr Gove was unwilling to accept that the abject failure of statecraft was the result of ineptitude and bafflement at the heart of Boris Johnson’s government.

He went on, “Rubbish. The whole thing is entirely your fault for going to the pub rather than backing Britain for its optimistic future and all that.”

The news that no-deal Brexit is your fault comes in the wake of the Tory government blaming you for having to introduce a pointless and fruitless ten-year programme of crippling austerity.

“Well, it certainly wasn’t our fault,” continued Mr Gove.

“Frankly, you need to sort yourself out.”