A harmful myth has been circulating recently which I feel called upon to counteract. Some have called it “toxic femininity.” I’ve seen it expressed, to varying degrees, in Jordan Peterson’s work; in a recent article by Heather Heying and in the work of some critics of the Me Too movement. Many of those arguing along these lines are people I like and respect and with whom I’m in partial agreement. I’m not going to close read their articles and talks here. I am, however, going to highlight some misunderstandings and muddle-headedness which may spring from this focus, whether the original authors intended it or not. This is not about individuals: it’s about a current of thought, a shifting of the Overton window, a way of looking at things which is becoming increasingly influential.

There are two main threads to this way of thinking. The first is that, when women wear lipstick or more revealing clothing, we are seeking attention, signaling sexual availability or ‘asking for trouble.’ Most of those making this argument are not suggesting that women deserve to be harassed, let alone assaulted. But they are saying that this is disruptive and liable to have a distracting or even debilitative effect on men and may make it difficult for men to function effectively in a professional environment. Many are also claiming that men’s desire for attractive young women gives such women disproportionate power, power which they frequently abuse. I’d like to examine both those premises.

First, though, are there some forms of characteristically feminine toxicity? Yes. But they have nothing to do with workplace lipstick or with contravening modesty dress codes.

Feminine Toxicity

Women, like men, are fallible. We should not pretend that we are somehow the morally superior sex. Some attractive women exploit this advantage in very ugly ways. I’ve personally experienced or witnessed women: bullying other women for their looks; engaging in competitive dieting which verged on subclinical anorexia; making snide comments about weight which left other women in tears; faking genuine feelings for a guy in order to get a loan and then ghosting him as soon as the money was in her bank account; making an almost certainly mendacious accusation of sexual assault; and going out on multiple first dates per week with no intention of getting involved in any way beyond receiving free meals. Women can be selfish, fake, manipulative, self-interested, and bitchy. (So can men.)

But none of this is relevant to the central question at stake here: do young and beautiful women wield dangerous sexual power over men which must be curbed and regulated, lest they exploit it for pernicious ends?

Lipstick Maketh the Woman

I agree that if you are a very attractive woman and dress flamboyantly or scantily you will probably attract attention. As a practical measure, you should avoid doing so in places where you are likely to attract unwanted attention or even be endangered. I also agree that we should neither pathologize nor criminalize some forms of male response to attractive women. Looking is fine; consensual flirting is fine.

But I think it’s very easy to exaggerate the effects of lipstick or a mini skirt on men. There is an imperfect, but very strong, correlation between those countries in which women are expected to cover up, in which hijab, niqab or purdah are the norm, and countries which are dangerous and oppressive for women. While countries in which women dress as they please, far from being hotbeds of lasciviousness, full of helpless, drooling men and vicious sexual predators, are some of the safest countries in the world. Straight men in such countries are accustomed to sight of the female body. You are unlikely to be rendered completely unable to function normally at the sight of a young woman in jeans shorts or a colleague in lipstick if every other young woman you pass is wearing cut-offs and most of your coworkers sport a little lippy. The more freedom we allow women in the way we dress, the less likely it is that how we dress will upset, anger, or arouse men in public situations and the less likely it will be to elicit extreme (and illegitimate) responses, such as assault.

Pussy Power

Secondly, dress and make-up are only a small part of attractiveness. We should not overestimate their power to transform. Young, beautiful women will attract a lot of sexual attention, no matter how they are dressed. So, does the fact of their desirability give those women undue power over others, the kind of power feminists used to dismissively refer to as “pussy power”?

On the one hand, being physically attractive confers benefits for both sexes and perhaps especially for women. This applies not only in the sexual sphere. People often respond more favorably to beauty, even in situations in which physical attractiveness is irrelevant. That’s why Fox News, for example, employ so many good-looking blonde women as newscasters. They know that political opinions are more palatable when presented by one of their “Fox blondes.”

But, like most forms of privilege, beauty privilege only operates under certain conditions, even in the west, even among the relatively affluent. It’s only really a boon when you are also self-confident and canny. Many beautiful young women are naïve—they are young, after all—and self-conscious and insecure about their looks. A significant minority are even self-loathing. Eating disorders, body dysmorphia and other clinical and subclinical unhealthy obsessions with ‘ugliness’ are common among teenage girls.

The power beauty confers is starkly limited and, by its nature, ephemeral. Who do we find in positions of the greatest power or enjoying the greatest wealth in our society? It’s mostly not young women of exceptional beauty. If we extend our focus out globally, this is even less true. Living in India, you will see a hundred strikingly gorgeous young women a day: gazelle-like figures and faces of radiant loveliness. If beauty brought real power, India would be a gynocracy. Instead, it’s one of the most sexist societies on our planet, in which women are often treated as lesser at every stage of life, from in utero (sex-selective abortions are common) to old age (think of the widow’s one meal a day). And, in conditions of real poverty and oppression, beauty becomes irrelevant. Your pretty face will not matter at all if you’ve been married off at twelve; or save you from the genital mutilator’s knife; or help you as you scavenge or pick rags for a living.

Even in the west, beauty also has its perils. It can’t be switched on and off at will. It can help you attract the lovers you want, but it may also render you a magnet for creeps and predators. True power always involves autonomy. It is the power of choice. If you are young and beautiful, this has effects on others, beyond your control. It may bring opportunities—if you live in the prosperous west. But it won’t protect you from harm and will render you a more tempting target.

The Detox Diet

So what are my suggestions?

First of all, both men and women must always be judged on a case-by-case basis. Some women will be exploitative, manipulative, cunning, in sexual situations. So will some men. Do not make the mistake of some of the bitterest incels who, having had bad experiences, generalize them to all women and begin regarding women with a toxic mixture of hostility and despair: attitudes which are prone to make their fears of remaining single self-fulfilling prophecies. Above all, you must learn to handle disappointment. Attractive people can hurt our feelings when they don’t reciprocate our attraction. Don’t let disappointment fester and become envy, bitterness and misogyny.

Strive to be less superficial in your interactions with people, whenever you can. Make your best effort to judge them, particularly in professional situations, by their work. And, in social situations, by their character. Try to neither give people unfair advantages because you like their looks or assume a beautiful young woman must therefore be a brainless bimbo. Stereotypes and preconceived opinions like this blind us to the human beings in front of us.

Don’t pathologize innocent forms of sexuality. Admiring glances from men are not criminal. But neither is putting on a flattering V-neck because you know it makes you look good and you need a little ego boost. Both wanting to be attractive to people of your preferred sex and being attracted to such people are normal, natural instincts. We should be able to simply chill out and live with this fact. We’re not at the mercy of our instincts. We have impulse control.

Above all, we must have no truck with the idea that just inhabiting a female body that conforms to our society’s beauty norms or just being in possession of a pleasing female face is, in itself, in any way provocative. The fewer modesty codes governing female dress we have the better. The more accustomed men are to responding to women as professionals, friends, peers and respecting us as individuals—no matter how we are dressed—the better.

Argentine Tango: A Model

I know that this is possible because I dance Argentine tango. In tango, we dress seductively; we choose partners through eye contact and a flirtatious mime; we hold each other in very close, tender embraces and move like that, entwined, to romantic music for twelve minutes at a time. Tango is a very sensual art form. So is it full of men with erections rubbing up against women? Is it full of groping, all-consuming jealousies and sexual sleaziness? No. I have danced tango all over the world and, wherever I’ve travelled, it’s one of the most relaxed, respectful, egalitarian scenes I have been involved in.

If they can handle tango, straight men can also handle a flirty woman in the workplace in heels and crimson lipstick. Some people like to look sexy. Including women. It’s nice to look desirable. And there is nothing wrong with that. Chill and learn to deal with it.