Allow me to preface this by saying that I have nothing against people who have Celiac Disease and actually have a legit gluten intolerance. Their struggle is real. Their avoidance of gluten is a necessity. They’re not staying away from it because they think it makes them sound cute at parties.

I’ve never understood why people who aren’t actually gluten intolerant have gravitated towards pretending they are. I suppose it does make them seem kind of interesting and worthy of my gluten-chugging pity without actually having to prove their claims. Like, if someone told me “I can’t eat that, I have a gluten allergy” at a party, I wouldn’t refute it. I would just nod my head and say, “That blows because this bruschetta is fucking dynamite.” Then I would pray that they stopped talking to me about gluten because I don’t give a fuck about what ails them.

That’s never the case, though, is it? Something about these gluten free posers makes them unable to shut the fuck up about it.

I sat next to a “gluten free” girl at a friend’s birthday dinner a few years ago and it was easily the most tumultuous night of my life. The fact that we were at an Italian restaurant didn’t help the matter, but I got the feeling she was an insufferable pile of shit just about anywhere life took her. Course after course, she complained about everything that was served to her even though her order was all GLUTEN FREE. She was appalled that these were the only options that fit into her lifestyle. Then, out of sheer necessity to survive, she momentarily abandoned everything she preached throughout the first two courses and she ate some of the regular pasta that was on the table. She justified this move by telling me how she hoped it wouldn’t hurt her, but she had to eat it because she was starving and everything else was inedible.

I will give her credit, though, because when dessert was served she turned her gluten allergy back on and refrained from eating the cake. Instead, she took out a pack of really dry-looking gluten free cookies (yes, she BYO’d dessert) and unfortunately didn’t choke to death.

How’s that for intolerance?