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Straight men will say they want to receive anal sex, or they want to engage in anal play, but they’re ashamed to tell their girlfriends or their wives. They’re ashamed to ask their partner to explore that with them. And not just because of the reaction they fear from their partner.

Sometimes, men themselves worry that—because they’re interested in anal play—it automatically means they’re gay… or perhaps even bisexual. I like to tell them: “In the state where I am a board certified sex therapist, your anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation.” That calms them down.

Some gay men never have nor want anal sex as well as I wrote in my article, “Guys on the Side: Looking Beyond Gay Tops and Bottoms.”

Other men do talk to their partners about it, but their partners aren’t interested. In these cases, the man doesn’t push it because he’s worried she’ll think he’s gay. And sometimes the wife or girlfriend does have this fear. In which case, I also have to educate her on the fact that anuses have no sexual orientation.

When I can convince a female to try this with her partner, to perhaps use a strap-on, she is sometimes pleasantly surprised. Many women report back to me that they’ve never been so wet in their life. That they felt dominant. That they were never so turned on before. He, meanwhile, was able to be submissive and vulnerable, often for the very first time. It can be a very positive experience for both partners.