RICHMOND, VA—Admitting it didn’t expect to “see [him] so soon after the beating [his] pale ass took,” the sun expressed surprise Thursday upon discovering that pasty fuck Arnold Walden, 33, had apparently failed to learn his lesson from last summer. “Well, well, well. Look who brought his exposed, lily-white neck back for more,” said the 10,000-degree star, adding while Walden’s baseball cap and SPF-45 sunscreen were “cute,” the local man would need more than that to avoid the ass-whupping its intense ultraviolet rays had in store for his doughy complexion this time. “Don’t you remember what happened on Labor Day? Or is the tip of your nose just hungry for more, you freckled little shit? Fine, let’s do this. High in the 80s, clear skies, and an 8:30 sunset. I got all goddamn day. How about some fresh blisters on those ghost-white thighs?” At press time, reports confirmed a satisfied sun was confident Walden wouldn’t show his face again after it delivered a scorching that will eventually leave him with stage-3 melanoma.

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