Boredom, not infidelity, is now the main reason why women in their 40s and 50s want a divorce, according to recent reports. But there are ways to reach beyond the tedium of an imperfect marriage and reignite your interest in each other, says Barbara Baker







'I look at him sometimes and wonder why on earth I stay married to him.’ Those are the wounding words of 53-year-old Lara, an accountant. Lara and Rob, an engineer, have been married for 25 years. Rob, however, doesn’t understand why Lara is so unhappy. ‘I’ve always thought we have a great life,’ he muses.

So why does Lara, and thousands of women like her, crave freedom from their marriage? Infidelity? Redundancy? A diminished sex life?

No, boredom.

‘These are educated women in their 40s and 50s,’ says Amy Richards, author of Opting In, which explores motherhood and marriage. ‘They’ve done everything by the book – university, career, marriage, children. At this age they know life is going to get tougher – illness, bereavement. It’s no surprise that they find themselves auditing their marriage and asking, “Why am I staying in this relationship?”’

Opinion polls back up this theory. A 2010 Saga survey of over-50 couples who divorce revealed that one woman in four does so because she finds her husband ‘emotionally

cold and distant’. Considering that 65 per cent of divorces are petitioned by females, the message is loud and clear: adultery is no longer the main reason to leave your man – an unsatisfying, boring relationship is.

Psychotherapist and behaviour expert Marisa Peer believes that part of the problem is due to modern society. ‘Our ancestors never had time to be bored with one another. Someone working down the mines saw his wife for an hour a day. If you were upper class your husband conducted business in London all the time,’ she says.

Relate marriage guidance counsellor Christine Northam believes that ‘boredom is normal. As a relationship grows, boredom can set in easily, causing untold problems if you don’t pay attention to the warning signs.’

‘I was so bored by him, it got to the stage where I couldn’t bear him near me,’ says Linda, who is 40 and has been married to 42-year-old Chris for 15 years. They have two teenage daughters and run a successful mail-order website together.

‘I knew I was as much at fault as he was,’ she says. ‘But what’s so frustrating is that if I ever attempt to talk to him about us, he glazes over.

He only ever wants to talk about the business.’

Relationships counsellor Keren Smedley, author of Who’s That Sleeping in My Bed? The Art of Relationships for Grown-ups, sympathises. ‘Boredom in marriage occurs when people take each other for granted,’ she says. ‘When you first get together with someone, you want to meet their every wish. But as time goes by you stop thinking about them – preferring to tell them your problems rather than asking how they are. We all do it: get home, off-load, do the chores and then go to bed. You need to invest in a relationship.’

Linda and Chris tried counselling. Their therapist believed a lack of intimacy was at the heart of their problems: ‘Now we’re trying to carve out more time together in the bedroom. At first I felt awkward, but finding that intimacy between us again is helping,’ says Linda.

Keren explains, ‘In a long marriage you’ve got to find a way to re-create the relationship, so that you and it change at the same time.’



‘Problems occur when the children leave and you haven’t found new interests’

Researchers have discovered that unless couples work together to eradicate tedium, the problem doesn’t go away – it gets worse. In 2009 the first study into boredom in marriages was published by researchers at the University of Michigan in the US. They interviewed couples in their 30s at year seven of their marriage, and again at year 16. The results were unequivocal: those bored at year seven were even more dissatisfied at year 16. In fact, any satisfaction that they’d still had with their relationship had

also disappeared.

Forty-one-year-old Angie, a successful media executive, has just entered the seventh year of her marriage to Ed. Ed, 41, also works in the media. ‘I told myself it was just a phase, but I was really bored with Ed,’ says Angie. ‘He was at the pub with his mates in the week, playing football at the weekend – the predictable routine drove me insane. I tried to talk to my close friends, but they were horrified when I admitted it.’

Christine Northam sympathises, ‘Friends don’t want to talk about your marital problems because it forces them to look at their own.’

Angie continues, ‘One evening I looked at my wedding photos on the mantelpiece and thought: “There’s the man I love.” I asked my parents to look after our daughters and booked us a surprise weekend away. We were really able to talk. I knew the fault was with me. Ed hadn’t changed – I had. Ed suggested that I take up badminton again, which I played every week before having the girls. Having those games to look forward to is a joy. Taking time out for my own pursuits has given my marriage a renewed passion.’



‘More women are dreading their husband’s retirement – they don’t know what they’re going to say to him if he’s at home all day'

The French believe everyone benefits from le jardin secret: a place or hobby that’s exclusive to you. Marisa Peer adds, ‘Couples who marry in their 40s are much better at marriage. You won’t hear them complaining of boredom; they have two cars, two TVs, two sets of interests outside the relationship.’

Yet Christine Northam says that the most vulnerable couples to be affected by boredom are those approaching retirement: ‘The Office of National Statistics released a report stating that the fastest rising divorce group is the over-50s.’

‘I feel like I’m drowning – this wasn’t what I signed up for,’ says 55-year-old Margaret, whose 66-year-old husband Philip retired last year. ‘Since then, he’s been at home all week. He’s gone from being a company director – confident and outward looking – to someone who never leaves the house. I find his behaviour tedious beyond belief.’

Marisa Peer isn’t surprised: ‘I’m seeing more women who are dreading their husband’s retirement – they don’t know what they’re going to say to him if he’s at home all day. If they’ve been married for a long time, they find it very hard to adapt.

‘He knows I’m not happy,’ Margaret says. ‘We’ve both had to sit down and hear some home truths. Philip said he wasn’t coping with the thought that after retirement came death.

That’s why he was following me around all the time. I was mortified to realise that he’s been living with such gloomy thoughts – how could I not have known?’

Christine Northam sees this often: ‘Depression is really common after retirement. I’d definitely advise counselling to explore that shift in feelings.’

Lara alleviated her weariness towards her marriage when she explored why she felt that way – her daughter and her grandchildren had recently moved out of the neighbourhood.

Keren Smedley sympathises: ‘When you have children it’s an intense time – you have bad patches, but you’re never bored. It’s after the children have gone and you haven’t adjusted or found new interests and things to talk about that problems occur.

‘However, it’s very difficult to leave a marriage. You have to be in a really desperate place – not being talked to, not being cherished, not being looked after. No one should leave without trying to make it better. You can walk out of a film because you’re bored, but not a marriage.’

How to escape the relationship doldrums