1991, I’m 7 years old, I watch Tottenham win the FA Cup with Erik Thorstvedt, Gary Lineker and Paul Gascoigne my heroes. I lived closer to them than any other TV team (apart from Chelsea, but 7-year-old me wasn’t a prick), they’d just won a trophy at Wembley and they had the two best players in England. If I had a time machine I would certainly consider making the trip to warn myself that the future is heartbreak, huge promise and no more FA Cups or league titles. But I wouldn’t change a thing, supporting Spurs has steeled me for the harsh, bleakness of existence and taught me to enjoy things when they happen but to never expect good things to come again. Please, someone help me.

The thrill of supporting Tottenham is the potential for so much, the occasionally superb football and the collapses, the embarrassments, the snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. That time we lost 4-3 to 10 man Man City in the FA Cup, countless defeats to relegation candidates at White Hart Lane, Redknapp trying to claim that he brought Bale through, Sheringham leaving, Ian Walker being our first choice keeper for so, so long, seeing Thierry Henry being brought on as a substitute and then losing 2-1 to two Henry goals.

It seems the perfect time to discuss the moments that Tottenham have upset me the most, now that we stand on the verge of finishing above Arsenal and could still win the league. What follows are the five worst times that Tottenham have made me cry. Not actual tears, the sort of crying you tell someone you did so that they don’t think you’re an emotionless robot on a cosmic cruise to entropy.

1. 1995 FA Cup Semi Final

It was Ossie Ardiles’ first season, we had our “Famous Five” attackers (Barmby, Anderton, Dumitrescu, Sheringham, Klinsmann) and were performing well in the league. In fact, it was the last season in which we finished above Arsenal. We were thrilling to watch, Klinsmania was everywhere, Sheringham was the player I wanted to be and Everton were our opponents in a cup semi final. This is the competition that started my love, I’m 11 years old, I’ve got the full kit, the VHS tapes and can’t wait for us to despatch this wretched Everton team; so that we can play Manchester United in an FA Cup final that will lead to either team securing a record nine wins. Walker handed Everton a two goal lead before Sheringham took a pretty dodgy dive and Klinsmann drilled home the penalty. The comeback was on, the final awaited. Then a player, who lit up the World Cup in the USA but struggled miserably in the Premier League, turned up. I hate Daniel Amokachi, I hate him. Two goals later we were demolished and our season was for nothing.





2. Gary Doherty - Fox In The Box

Despite two League Cup Final appearances (and one win) between 1995 and 2005, that decade is very much a lost time for Tottenham. A succession of awful players who promised so much and terrible players who promised so little. It’s embarrassing that Anderton, Ginola, Carr, Ferdinand and King had to wade through those murky waters. Gerry Francis (and his mullet) was our manager at one point, we routinely had negative goal difference, Arsenal were winning everything and all the while, I was going through puberty. It was an awful time for everyone. But the lowest point had to be the crippling panic I experienced whenever a girl looked at me. Oh. And the fact that lumbering centre back Gary Doherty also fancied himself as a centre forward, so sidled up to George Graham and whispered as such into his ear, “To dare is to do, play Gary Doherty up front”.







HE WAS ONE OF OUR STRIKERS FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON.



HE LOOKED LIKE THE LOVECHILD OF PHIL THOMPSON AND AN OLD SATSUMA.



HE SCORED A GOAL WHEN IT HIT HIM IN THE FACE.

3. Lasagne-gate

Last game of the season, a chance to finish above Arsenal for the first time in 10 years and qualify for the Champions League. All we had to do was beat a West Ham team who had nothing to play for in the league and one eye on their upcoming FA Cup final. Destiny was in our own hands, we needed no favours, we were in decent form and this was to be only our 40th game of the season. The team stayed in a hotel the night before and ten players came down with an illness that left Michael Carrick barely able to walk. It was suspected food poisoning and, suspiciously, the Arsenal team were staying in the hotel over the road. The Premier League said the game could be postponed but that there would be an enquiry and we could be docked points. So the game went ahead, we lost and Arsenal won with a Thierry Henry hat trick. They scraped into the Champions League and kept up the financial rewards that allowed them to pay for their new stadium and continue to attract high calibre players. It turns out it was norovirus.



4. The Brown Kit



Tottenham have a history of really good looking kits – classic white and blue, handsome, beguiling, qualifies as casual, smart and smart-casual wear. So what happened in 2006? I don’t want to talk about this. It’s disgusting, it’s embarrassing.



Brace yourself, then click here.



5. 2011-12 Season

We started so strongly, playing absolutely breath-taking football as Bale, Lennon, van der Vaart, Modric and Adebayor (in his first season) rivalled the “Famous Five” of Ardiles’ outfit. We went to the Etihad in touching distance of top, with a week to go in the January transfer window and were an inch from gaining the lead in the 93rd minute when all Defoe needed was to be slightly taller. A minute later we conceded a penalty and lost.

Then, Harry Redknapp, head turned by an England gig he was never going to get, went completely rogue. We signed Ryan Nelson (33 years old) and Louis Saha (34) before snagging an almighty 16 points from the last 13 games, including losses to Norwich City and QPR. Arsenal closed a 10-point gap to beat us to third place by one point with a last day victory at West Brom that was aided by three honking errors from Marton Fulop, an ex Spurs ‘keeper. Still, we made fourth so would be back in the Champions League. Or so we thought, until a remarkably feckless Chelsea side, ravaged by injury, somehow managed to beat Barcelona and then Bayern Munich to lift club football’s grandest prize. This was worse than when we almost got relegated.

I hope that I don’t have to write another of these articles in twenty years time and then have to include the last 5 games of 2015/16 season. Still, at least I don’t support Newcastle.



Did I miss any out? Chuck your personal nominations in the comments below and we can all have a good sob about it together.



Stuart Laws

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