So it's gonna be a hell of a long-ass post, as I really need to share with y'all the awesomeness of this mother fucking exchange! This whole thing is rated R as well, with lots of swearing, so brace yourselves!

So my amazing Santa warned me that I was going to drown in some kind of candy shower, and I gotta say I was not disappointed!

I tracked the goddamn boxes for over a week on USPS, as excited as a teenage boy before losing his virginity, and on Saturday morning, the depressed and cunting twat of a delivery guy finally showed up!

T'was 2 heavy boxes, obviously shipped upside down when it clearly fucking stated "THIS SIDE UP YOU MORON" ('can't blame him tho, he's French, but still)!

I stared, standing still, completely flabbergasted, for minutes, feeling the climax coming, not even daring to open the packages.

The first one had an enveloppe, telling me to "read it first", and I did. Then I proceeded.

HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER, the first box was filled with a bunch of snacks from Southern 'Murica, and each of the items had a post-it with a funny message (I'll get back to them below)!

After reading everything, and pissing myself (Good Lord E., you're the funniest lil' shit I've ever met!), I then proceeded to open the second box.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Moar candy! Moar snacks! Even alcohoool!! Did I mention fookin' alcohol?!

So here's the complete list for you guys: - Candy: Pixy Stix, Crush Orange, Andes, Warheads, Werther's Original, Laffy Taffy, Mary Jane, Hot Tamales, Twizzlers, Charleston Chews, Milka Oreo, Baby Bottle Pop, Lemonhead, Dots and Chick-O-Sticks, - Salty snacks: Hot Fries, Brim's, Planters, David's Sunflower Seeds, Corn Nuts, Boiled Peanuts, Vienna Sausages, Slim Jim, - Sweet snacks: Cracker Jack, Moon Pie, Lucky Charms (aka Marshmallow Matty's) - Drinks: Yoo-hoo, Milo's, Coke and JACK DANIELS!!

And the snack award goes to (Leo, gtfo, I didn't say Oscar):

Original Lemonhead, with that Oprah-y message that made me cry! (see picture),

Oreo flavored Milka candy bar, 'cause I swear I will savor it! (see picture),

Those badass Lucky Charms, I've been dying to eat some since I left the US years go (see picture). Plus, I love the tagline "Love me or I'm free", I wish more prostitutes would go by that line lol...

I can't thank my unimaginable bastard of a Santa enough! May she be blessed by the Ancient Gods!! And long live Reddit Gifts!

For now, I gotta go. My people need me, and it is time to get drunk while filling my belly with those delicious treats. And hookers too!