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Wednesday

For the fifth consecutive time, I was again horrified to see a Tim Horton’s lineup. This nation is so deprived of proper food that every morning, millions must wait in line for upwards of an hour just for a ration of fried dough and sweetened coffee. My mind reels with echoes of wartime Hungary. Clearly, if Canadians had adequate incomes, they would forsake these sugary abominations for a balanced diet of sprouts and grains. Luckily, as my report clearly indicates, fixing that problem is quite simple: Higher minimum wage, guaranteed minimum income and ultimate state control of the means of production. I’ve even filled the report with colourful graphs and diagrams to help policymakers meet the 2015 target.

Thursday

Absurd! Stephen Harper refuses an invitation to see my carefully crafted PowerPoint presentation, “Canada: The New North Korea?” and then Leona Aglukkaq, whom my assistant tells me is the “health minister,” calls me a patronizing academic. This from a woman who grew up thinking the raw blubber of murdered seals is part of a balanced diet. By the way, this so-called “developed” country doesn’t have a single Whole Foods between Vancouver and Toronto. As a result, my suitcase of Roquefort cheese and Medjool dates is now completely empty, forcing me to choke down a dinner of oysters in the Chateau Laurier hotel bar.

Friday

Yet again, it seems Olivier De Schutter has come up against against a government unwilling to confront the horrible truth of its food system. I had the exact same reaction when I urged New Zealand to immediately halt its policy of jailing political dissidents. Of course, I should have expected this kind of arrogance from a country so renowned for its dismissals of UN recommendations. As far back as 1996, the UN Human Rights Commission told the Canadians to take “extreme steps” to combat genital mutilation – and yet mohels continue to run wild. Meanwhile, settlement construction continues unabated in the occupied territories of Alberta and British Columbia. Well, they don’t call me “Straight Schutter” for nothing. Speaking of which, I had to cancel my fact-finding trip to the cholera-stricken regions of Haiti in order to take another week to round out my report on Norway’s rampant child homelessness problem.

National Post

thopper@nationalpost.com