



As a music teacher, one of the most important lessons that I can impart on my students is that every genre of music can produce something of great quality that can be enjoyed by everyone. Classical/orchestral music and jazz are not boring just because you experienced a few songs that you did not care for or didn't understand

. Similarly, music is not confined to one set of cultural norms based on the majority of people that embrace it. Hip hop is not simply “black music,” and country is not simply “white music.” There is the potential to derive enjoyment from listening to any genre of music outside of your preferred tastes; you just need to be willing to listen to multiple examples and keep an open mind.





That being said, one of my favorite examples of unintentional comedy is watching white people try to rap. While I am well aware that the ability to drop mad rhymes exists for a select few of my caucasian brethren, the overwhelming majority of attempts end up being hysterically awful.





The “hysterically awful” part of this grows exponentially when it is done with the sincere belief that it is good and/or drips with a corporation’s mandate to seem more hip and/or “urban.” But while most failed attempts at white rapping are forever lost to University of Louisville fans tailgating , some have thankfully been recorded and documented for us to enjoy. Below are RamblingBeachCat.com's top 10 examples of white people attempting to rap and failing horribly.











10. Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd: City of Crime.





In 1987, Hanks and Aykroyd starred in Dragnet , a parody/homage to the show of the same name. The two also collaborated on a hip hop song called “City of Crime” which was played over the closing credits. For some reason, MTV decided to shoot a video that went into heavy rotation during the summer of 1987 (back when MTV still actually played music videos).











Why it’s bad : There are many things that I would trust Tom Hanks or Dan Aykroyd to do, including the delivering of a baby or performing open heart surgery without anesthetic. Unfortunately, rapping is not included on that list.





Most Surreal Moment : At the beginning of the song, Hanks and Aykroyd are booking a group of criminals that are wearing giant goat head masks and animal furs. The duo then suddenly begins a choreographed dance, followed by the goat headed arrestees joining in with them. This is the closest to “normal” that the video ever gets.





Redeeming Qualities : Tom Hanks, God bless him, completely goes for it. From his hard edged (i.e. screaming) lyrical delivery to his impeccable execution of the choreography, this video serves as an early indicator of the man’s professionalism and dedication to any role that he takes on.





Also, the dancing girls in police outfits are pretty hot.





Dopest Rhyme :

In case you don’t agree

with my methodology

I like to do things my way.

Don’t get memory loss

about who’s the boss

don’t forget my name is FRIDAAAAAY!!!





OH SNAP! Dan Aykroyd (in his Joe Friday persona) just told you what’s up!











9. The Girls of the Westboro Baptist Church: Big Fibbin’









Why it’s bad : A group of white girls (that believe God hates everyone except them and their families) attempts to put incendiary and derisive lyrics in the form of offbeat, awkwardly rhymed verses. How could it not be bad? A group of white girls (that believe God hates everyone except them and their families) attempts to put incendiary and derisive lyrics in the form of offbeat, awkwardly rhymed verses. How could it not be bad?





Most Surreal Moment : and a group of small, hate indoctrinated children each make a cameo to yell “Check it out now!” Shirley Phelps-Roper and a group of small, hate indoctrinated children each make a cameo to yell “Check it out now!”





Redeeming Qualities : You can judge me all you want, but take away the hate speech, and Meg Phelps (or the “Notorious M.E.G" as she calls herself in the video’s title credits) is a real cutie. You can judge me all you want, but take away the hate speech, and Meg Phelps (or the “Notorious M.E.G" as she calls herself in the video’s title credits) is a real cutie.





Dopest Rhyme :

You know you live like Satan and you want us to live the same way to. But,

we know of your end

where you will descend,

and we don’t want none of that.





Not that good, you say? Sorry, that’s as good as it gets. At least Dan Aykroyd rhymed well and kept an even tempo.











8. ‘iCarly’Rap Battle: Sam Puckett vs. Rex the Puppet





iCarly is a popular show on Nickelodeon about a girl named Carly and her internet show that she makes with her friends. Sam Puckett is one of her friends…and she believes that she can rap.



Sam is gravely mistaken.

















Why it’s bad : After Rex makes a valiant yet unsatisfying attempt at dissing his opponent, Sam begins her portion by adding a vocal impersonation of a record scratching (which probably caused male ostriches within a 100 mile radius to frantically search for a female in heat). After Rex makes a valiant yet unsatisfying attempt at dissing his opponent, Sam begins her portion by adding a vocal impersonation of a record scratching (which probably caused male ostriches within a 100 mile radius to frantically search for a female in heat).





As the rap battle goes on, she goes from somewhat keeping in time with the music to simply yelling her lines over it. Sam also breaks one of the main rules of a rap battle: If you have to yell “OHHH!” after your diss on the opponent before the crowd does, you probably suck.





Most Surreal Moment : You mean besides the fact that a teenage girl is getting out rapped by a puppet?



It’s a toss up between the point when Sam decides to randomly climb a set of scaffolding, or when the one black person in the crowd (who is also the DJ) has to fake an enormous amount of enthusiasm about the unholy catastrophe happening in front of him.





"My agent is getting fired tomorrow..."







Redeeming Qualities : See the Dopest Rhyme below.



Dopest Rhyme :

So face it Rex, you couldn’t even rap

if I stapled his lips and took his hand out yo back.





Okay, that was actually pretty funny.













7. Cookin’ With Gas





In 1988, this video was made to explain the benefits of cooking your food with gas. It also demonstrated the behavior exhibited by people who have been injected through the heart with adrenaline and stuck in a room where the gas has been left on.













Why it’s bad : Despite the presence of two black people, the white rappers are so terrible that they made this video still eligible to qualify for the list. It didn’t help things that the black guy seems to be overdoing it in an attempt to cancel out the severely unhip crew around him…and that the black girl is arguably worse than any of the white girls at rapping.





Most Surreal Moment : At the 3:13 mark, there is a brief “dance break down” that involves a lot of awkward facial expressions and kitchen utensils. At the 3:13 mark, there is a brief “dance break down” that involves a lot of awkward facial expressions and kitchen utensils.





Redeeming Qualities : The mullet on the dude with the green apron is glorious. The mullet on the dude with the green apron is glorious.





Dopest Rhymes :

And no long flowing sleeves

or long lose hair.

Don’t get to close

YOU BETTER BEWARE!



That’s right, you better beware…or your gas stove will pop a cap in you.











6. Vanllia Ice: Ninja Rap





For the 1991 film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze , rapper Vanilla Ice was hired to write and perform a song about the film’s heroes (which was played during the movie's climatic battle and became a popular single).



If you skip to 3:51 of the video embedded below, you can watch Vanilla Ice explain his song writing process while slowly realizing that his soul is currently being REPOed by the devil.















Why it’s bad : Rapping about humanoid turtles that are also skilled martial artists is a hard point to start from, but it can probably be done. Unfortunately, when your song’s chorus/hook is “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!,” you’ve lost all hope. Rapping about humanoid turtles that are also skilled martial artists is a hard point to start from, but it can probably be done. Unfortunately, when your song’s chorus/hook is “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!,” you’ve lost all hope.





Most Surreal Moment : Vanilla Ice and his crew’s intermittent pelvic thrusts while singing about one of my favorite childhood cartoon characters. Vanilla Ice and his crew’s intermittent pelvic thrusts while singing about one of my favorite childhood cartoon characters.





Redeeming Qualities : The song has a pretty amped up bass part, which can mask a lot of the lyrics/singing…which is a really good thing if you happen to be a teenager with a great car stereo...who is jamming out to this song when your friends and/or a girl pulls up next to you…which never happened to me in high school…ever. The song has a pretty amped up bass part, which can mask a lot of the lyrics/singing…which is a really good thing if you happen to be a teenager with a great car stereo...who is jamming out to this song when your friends and/or a girl pulls up next to you…which never happened to me in high school…ever.





Dopest Rhymes :

Just flowin’

smooth with the power

Kickin’ it up, hour after hour

Cause in this life there’s only one winner

You better aim straight so you can hit the center.





Words to live by, Ice…words to live by.











5. Bindi Irwin: Trouble in the Jungle





Bindi Irwin , who is the daughter of the late Steve Irwin , decided to produce a song about how we as humans are wiping out species of animals by insensitively destroying their natural habitats and illegally poaching them. To date, no one has made a song about the 2 plus minutes of life that many humans have lost by watching this video.











Why it’s bad : Bindi’s rapping could simply be passed off as cute if it wasn’t for the insanely creepy group of guys doing bizarre choreography behind her.





Most Surreal Moment : This is the only video so far of Bindi’s live performance of ‘Trouble in the Jungle’ that has shown up on YouTube. The transfer somehow ended up with a lot of skips and sound breaks.



The uploader apologized in the description for the poor quality, but I like to pretend that the mishaps were placed there on purpose to censor Bindi from spewing foul language and throwing up obscene gestures/gang signs.



