CHARLESTON, SC — Outrage consumed a Pentecostal church this week after Jaclyn Boyle, a member of the congregation, reported overhearing another member speak in tongues to his Mexican cleaning lady.

“I was walking to the grocery, which happens to pass Jacob Myers’ house,” said Mrs. Boyle. “As I passed I couldn’t help but hear the strangest noises coming from the window. Naturally, I got closer as to hear better and realized that Jacob was speaking in tongues. Now, as a Pentecostal woman, I’ve seen the power of the Lord’s possession many times in Church. I know that it can be dangerous to the person if they happen to fall over or get swept away in the Lord’s power. So I decided to check and make sure he had someone with him and found to my horror that he wasn’t speaking to God, but to his maid! And the worst part was the maid spoke back! They were frighteningly calm as well, like they were just having a normal conversation, but they spoke some indecipherable evil tongue. I couldn’t believe it! I knew then that Jacob had entered into covenant with the devil. God would never speak to a Non-American.”

After witnessing the unholy event, Jaclyn immediately reported what she’d seen to the rest of her congregation. Near panic ensued throughout the parish.

When confronted, Jacob claimed to have been speaking a language called Spanish, and thus not communing with Satan at all. His story did little to calm the congregation’s fears.

“I know tongues when I hear it,” said Jaclyn, “How could one confuse “holas mi gato” as Spanish when he’s clearly communicating with God?”

“This whole speaking Spanish things seems fishy to me. Other languages? I don’t know… It’s certainly too confusing to feel good about,” said fellow church member Chester Bigsby. “I think it might even be confusing for God. I think this raises the question of whether or not it’s a sin to speak to God in anything other than English. I mean, what if God confuses our speaking in tongues to him with Spanish? Or God-forbid, arabic!? It could make him angry enough to flood the earth! Safer to just use English moving forward I think.”

Church member, Mick Ryder said, “I don’t know what he was thinking. Speaking in tongues is reserved for the most holy of occasions, it’s not something to be shared with those south of the border, aka those closer to hell. It’s just shameful.”

While the decision of whether or not to banish Jacob Myers from the parish has yet to be decided, it seems unlikely that the Pentecostals are in any mood for forgiving such a dire sin.