I am convinced that one of the most difficult emotions for black folks to deal with is grief. Maybe it’s culturally engrained in us that crying or admitting we’re upset is a sign of weakness, or maybe we assume we have to “turn up” whenever we’re in the company of family and friends. But for some reason grief never comes out the way it’s intended. I can’t tell you how many funerals I’ve been to that have ended with cousins having a fair one at the repass, someone getting cussed out at the viewing or someone getting arrested outside the church. Just look at rapper Benzino’s altercation: At a time when he’s supposed to be grieving his mother, he ends up in the ICU with bullet wounds from his own blood relative.

All I know is that this idea of not being able to attend a family function without getting an arrest record is not funny or just “the way we do”, it’s sad. More than that, it’s disrespectful not only to the living, but to the deceased person’s memory.

So the next time you find yourself sitting in a pew wanting to slap the hell out of a cousin over something that happened years ago, remember there’s a time and place to address such situations and it shouldn’t be over someone’s casket. Here are a few tips on how to make through a funeral without acting the fool: