So let's get something straight before we start tonight. I don't love you in spite of your body. I love you, in part, because you're shaped like a cello. That does it for me. You do it for me. And even though you're too damn shy to discuss this normally, tonight you're going to listen to why. That clear? Good.

I. Like. Curves. John Mayer can stuff his head up his ass because I don't want a body like a wonderland, I want a body like a roller-coaster. Not only do I want to have something to grab onto but when I do? I need there to be a steep enough incline that I'm afraid I may fall if I do't cling on tighter.

Oh, no, you better be blushing in admiration of yourself and not me, because buckle up, Buttercup, we're just getting started.

You see, I get that you're never going to love yourself the way I love you. See yourself the way I do. You're always, always, going to think that I'll want you more if you look more like somebody else. But it's not true. I'm here, with you, because you fucking drive me up a wall and make me so hot I can stick there.

You notice how I'm staying away from stuff like junk-in-the-trunk and 80s hip-hop lyrics that have been repeated to death? Words like voluptuous and Ruebenesque? That's because this is from the heart. I love you. I love your curves. I love the heft of your breasts and the sway of your ass. I want to play parts of you like bongo drums. I love rubbing my lips over your skin and I love way you hold me close.

Whatever choices you make to try and change your body? That's fine. But that's tomorrow, and this is tonight. And tonight, I am super into you. I want you and I get the hottest, hardest erections of my life for you because of all that you are.

You are the hottest woman I've ever been with and the one that makes me smile the most and if you only knew how sexy that was? Well, you'd be even more dangerous.