Washington D.C.—

Obvious crook Paul Manafort finally confessed to the FBI his involvement in the Russian-collusion scandal currently engulfing the Trump Admi

istration with thick plumes of a presidency on fire and buckling from melting structural integrity.

Special Counsel Bob Mueller had check-mated Mr. Manafort earlier in the year with the guilty plea of his deputy, Rick Gates, and Manafort finally agreed to cooperate with the FBI’s investigation, though he has refused to be happy about it.

Mr. Manafort reportedly has refused to shake any FBI agent’s hand throughout the legal proceedings, and has asserted on multiple occasions to FBI investigators and prosecutors that, quote: “I Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Manafort has provided testimony to a grand jury judging the Mueller investigation’s findings, and though his interview was closed-doors without press access, an anonymous source gave The Halfway Post a copy of some of Manafort’s more salacious claims regarding Donald Trump:

—Donald Trump committed to running for president and colluding with Russians to end sanctions on Russian oligarchs after Vladimir Putin offered him a mere $500.

—An internal Trump Organization audit revealed that Donald Trump’s net-worth after accounting for all his loans is negative six dollars.

—Donald Trump’s daily morning hair routine takes an hour and a half.

—Eric Trump is actually the smart son, not Donald Jr.

—Jared Kushner has gotten multiple barbed wire tattoos on his arms in recent weeks prepare for his inevitable prison sentence.

—The last time Donald Trump used a flight of stairs was 1996.

—Donald Trump annually eats 29 times more McDonalds food than the average McDonalds customer.

(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)

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