The dashing hero picks up his partner and throws her on the bed. She strikes a seductive pose, gently tugging on her lip with a curved finger. He pounces towards her, ready to ravage her body. He fails to notice her knee sticking up. It connects perfectly with his gut.

“Man down, man down!” He breathlessly exclaims.

Button looks concerned, and then stifles a laugh. The Boy rolls around clutching his stomach

“The pain! She hurts!”

“You’re fine, be a champion. Walk it off,” she encourages “get back up here.”

He gingerly crawls on top of her as the pain subsides.

He kisses her gently, caressing her. He slides his body up to penetrate her.

“You’re missing” she moans

“What?” he replies.

“You’re just kinda hitting the side of it. Move to the left”

He shifts to the side.

“Better?” he grins.

“Nope, that’s a thigh. Wrong way”

“Well what if I…”

“TOO LOW”

“Oh God, sorry. I got this.”

He reaches down and grabs his cock. He guides it in with the precision of a Cruise missile penetrating a bunker. He closes his eyes and leans over to kiss her…

OK, that’s enough terrible erotica. Real sex isn’t quite so awkward as that (most of the time) but it is closer to reality than the perfect image we see in the media. For most people the only sex they see, other than their own, is what’s seen in TV, movies, and porn.

Movies depict sex as this perfect, sensual and romantic fantasy that just doesn’t exist 99% of the time. The man will throw the woman to the bed, pounce on her and they will kiss and roll around in the (L-shaped) sheets. Real sex isn’t quite so graceful. There is accidental hair pulling, fumbling with the condom, or trying to find that new toy you want to try out. There are many choices made due to censorship and narrative that keep the sex from being anything but real.

Porn sex is more explicit but can be even more unrealistic. Some pretense for sex is created(pizza man, walking in on the guy fapping, catching a whore stealing your lemons) and then the clothes magically fall off. The woman will give the guy a blowjob, then they move to sex in reverse cowgirl, doggy style, and an optional third position. The first two do not seem to be negotiable, they provide a fantastically clinical view of the ol’ in-out-in-out. This continues for about 30 minutes, and the only dialogue that’s spoken is the 25 year old girl screaming “fuck my tight teen pussy”. He then sprays his geyser of a protein shake into her waiting mouth while grunting like he’s moving a giant boulder just off-camera.

What is rarely seen in on screen sex is any dialogue where the couple (or group!) verbalizes what they want their partner (or partners!) to do. We get this idea that the only way to have mind-melting sex is by having the ability to read minds. Since we lack that technology, we need to find out what our partner wants through communication. Body language can do some of the work. For example if you’re partner is grinding and convulsing against your tongue, keep doing what you’re doing! However, it will take some impressive miming if you want to tell your partner to suck on your earlobe while twisting your nipple counter-clockwise. Many people have these quirks about their bodies that if you poke and prod them in just the right ways, you can make them explode. In a good way. No non-consensual human combustion. By communicating what we want with word things, we can teach people about all the fantastic ways that we can feel pleasure.

We can’t tell you what the right way to have sex is, just like movies, porn and 50 Shades of Grey can’t. Good sex is any sexual experience that you feel good about. You don’t need to last for 10 hours, cum 50 times or have a G-spot orgasm. You definitely don’t need to stay completely silent, yet still know your partner’s every desire. The important part is that you enjoyed yourself and hopefully your partner (or partners!) did too.