MOST mobile phones are now more intelligent than their teenage owners, it emerged last night.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found the latest Nokia smartphone has an extensive vocabulary, a built-in calculator and is not permanently ripped to the tits on low-grade skunk.

N96, a smartphone belonging to 14-year-old Wayne Hayes, said: "I am constantly disappointed by his appalling grammar, his neanderthal social skills and his protracted, chimp-like bouts of frenzied masturbation.

"In addition, his punctuation is distressingly moronic. He thinks a comma is a form of deep unconsciousness one may succumb to as a result of a serious head injury."

But Hayes dismissed N96's criticism, insisting: "You're a fucking bender. Fuck off, you fucking bender."

In a bid to boost grades, some schools have begun excluding their students from classes and simply teaching the mobile phones instead.

Roy Hobbs, a head teacher from Hatfield, said: "They are genuinely interested in subjects like geography, modern literature and British social history instead of the heads of famous women that have been grafted on to the bodies of porn actresses who are taking it up the back passage."

He added: "What's more they are well-designed, punctual and have yet to spray-paint a big, fat cock on the bonnet of my car."