It is easy for those who wanted to stay in the EU and help lead it to feel disheartened. Most MPs who backed remain – from both the Tories and Labour – have run to the hills. The House of Commons, which used to have a large majority for remain, has now swung behind Brexit.

Meanwhile, Theresa May seems heading for hard Brexit. That’s not just because the three Brexiters in her cabinet – Boris Johnson, David Davis and Liam Fox – seem to want to pull us out of the single market. It’s also where the logic of the prime minister’s own position is driving her – even though she may not want it. This is because she is determined to end free movement of people and doing so seems incompatible with single market membership.

What’s more, even if May somehow managed to square that circle, could she really sign up to a deal that turned us from a rule-maker into a rule-taker? Even remain voters would baulk at that. We’d end up losing control, not taking control.

All these are certainly reasons to be worried. But the game isn’t over. With May saying she’ll trigger Article 50 by end-March 2017, there could still be two and a half years before we quit the EU. Two and a half years is a long time in politics.

Many of those who still want to stay in the EU feel cowed. They are told that the people have spoken and they should shut up. It is lonely and unpopular to say that we should stay.

But we should not allow ourselves to be silenced. Our voices need to be heard too. We must have the courage to come out of the closet.

But we must also do this without being militant. We must resist any temptation to attack those who voted Leave. We must not try to block the government from triggering Article 50. We must not wish that our economy will suffer or that the Brexit negotiations will end in disaster.

Rather, we must try to understand why a slim majority voted for Leave. Was it really because they hated Brussels? Or was it because they disliked a London metropolitan elite? Did they really against migrants? Or were they angry that the fruits of globalisation and free movement were not being shared fairly and that their communities were being left behind? Where their complaints are legitimate, we should help them secure their claims.

However, we can and should hold the leaders of the Leave camp to account for their lies and false promises. As Johnson et al try to wriggle out of pledges to axe payments to the EU and give the NHS £350 million a week, we must stay on their case.

We must also expose the contradictions, risks and absurdities of the government’s position. How will it avoid damaging the economy if it is intent on stopping free movement? How will it side-step border controls between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland? How will it stop the SNP pushing to break up our country? How will it prevent a decline in our global power just when the world is getting more dangerous.

Though we should not try to stop the government triggering Article 50, it must tell us its aims and let parliament debate and agree those goals before starting negotiations. And we must call for the talks to be as open as possible, so voters know what is being done in their name. It would be an affront to democracy for the government to conduct them behind closed doors, as Davis seems to want.

And if the Brexit deal May eventually produces is significantly different from what the Brexiters promised – as it most surely will be – we should push for a referendum on those terms. Giving people a chance to confirm then that they really want to quit would be right and democratic.

Hugo Dixon is co-founder of CommonGround as well as editor-in-chief of InFacts. You can sign up as a supporter here.

This piece was updated on October 2 after May announced she would trigger Article 50 by end-March 2017.