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So naturally, now that it is understood that both these roadways are a perfect misery to those that use them, the first law of municipal economics is called into play. It is the decision of Toronto City Council that they will be subject to a toll. It is not enough that these wretched causeways have been paid for a thousand times over by the raft of taxes and fees collected over the years; insurance, sales tax, emission tests, gasoline taxes, and of course now world-saving carbon fees. It is not enough that they no longer provide the service for which they were designed — basic motion at a reasonable pace. Now motorists are to pay every day for the privilege of mass frustration and anxiety inextricably associated with their use. This is called city planning.

I have an alternate proposal. For every 10 kph below the posted limit on any highway that drivers are forced to proceed, they should receive a rebate from city authorities. For being forced to process 30 kph below a posted limit, every driver should receive free downtown parking for a month. When the average speed drops to 50 kph below the posted limit, say on the Don Valley or the Gardiner, drivers should receive a written apology from City Council and a free full body/engine car wash at some high-end car cleaners. When roads are blocked by marathons sponsored by the big banks, said banks should offer “no fees” on cash machines for a month. If any repair to a trolley line enters a third year all councillors should be fired and put on pneumatic drill duty till such repairs are finished. And made to Ride the Rocket they so dubiously tout, for life.

Tolls, however, can be charged if the traffic moves as it should move, if and only if, a fortiori, and only then.

I know that this proposal is a miracle of logic and sense and therefore has absolutely no chance of being adopted anywhere in Canada. From Vancouver to St. John’s the idea that citizens should only be taxed more as things actually improve is a bottomless insult to those who guide and guard our municipal way of life. It has always been thus, and it will always be.