by Lynsay





Although I had symptoms for a long time, I never went to the GP until I experienced an inability to function. It's crazy how you convince yourself nothing is wrong as long as you can pull off the impression that all is well. As PMDD got worse, functioning in day to day activities became unsustainable.





Back in the days before kids, the symptoms of PMDD affected me only several days of the month. Some months this was scary enough for me to think something was wrong, but then just as quickly I'd feel great again and would have forgotten all about it by the time the next cycle arrived. There were several crisis moments along the way, but they were not a regular occurrence, and I didn't pick up on the pattern. Apart from that I functioned pretty well most of the time. I could 'make up for things' on my good days, such as working late, contacting my friends and so on. I certainly don't recall anyone worrying about me.





Post-pregnancy, however, has been a totally different story. Over the last 6 years (excluding the lovely symptom free time of pregnancies and breastfeeding) the PMDD has got more severe ... lasting longer .... is more intense ... the impact often unpredictable. Very quickly I lost the number of good days needed to recover/recharge/repair. At this point I still didn't know about PMDD. I used many other reasons and excuses .... "oh, you have small children, of course you're not coping" ..... "well, it's been years since you had a full nights sleep" .... "all the other mums at work seem to manage so suck it up". I gradually found it harder and harder to keep on top of things. Some things I managed for a while by hiding my coping strategies, such as, agreeing a deadline at work then working til 4am (kids wake up at 5am!), or acting goofy when I forgot to meet someone as arranged. Eventually, I ended up (and still am) in a state where making it through the month is more and more challenging.





WORK : I have been late to work, left work early, not turned up for work, worked from home, missed deadlines, forgotten about more than one thing on my workload, been unable to speak to colleagues. I've now been assessed and supported by Occupational Health which I am grateful for.

FAMILY : I struggle to cope with parenting, have difficulty disciplining the kids, can't remember how to feed them so buy too much junk food, encourage them to sit on the sofa with me under a blanket rather than play with them, have ugly screaming bouts, don't do anything for the house - groceries, cleaning, laundry. And it's not for the lack of effort, oohh I try. I walk into a room to do something, then 'come to' 20mins later having drifted off and forgotten what I was there for. My husband is exhausted doing extra things on my bad days.

GENERAL STUFF: I struggle to make decisions, take days to reply to messages, cancel social plans, forget how to 'sort things out' e.g. new car insurance. Tasks that I took for granted are now exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes on good days I try to tick off some small random tasks, but I get torn between giving my good days to my husband and children - often we will just go and do something fun together meaning that the many random tasks NEVER get done.





I miss the functioning version of myself. I miss being able to accomplish small things, never mind big exciting things. I'm hopeful that with the right treatment this year is going to be a better one.





See previous blog post, " Describing GRIEF "









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