Conservative election manifesto actually the Necronomicon

An eldritch tome of unholy secrets written by an insane medieval prophet has been launched to sweep the Conservatives into government this morning.

The grimoire, attractively bound in a bright blue leather of unknown provenance, was launched at a press conference by the Prime Minister and several capering imps.

The Codex is titled ‘Klaatu Barada Nicto’, which senior members of government assured us is simply an old, very old, way of saying ‘Strong and Stable’.

Political reporters say that the manifesto has obviously been heavily workshopped by focus groups to attract middle England, people concerned about the outcome of Brexit negotiations, and howling servitors of the outer gods.

Key policy pledges include increased workers rights, a cut to migration, and a free vote on Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

Reaction to the codex has been mixed, with early reports saying that it gives an unholy shriek when touched by human hands.

However, although the economic policies have been twisted through blasphemous geometries and torn a hole in the universe, they still make more sense than anything Diane Abbott and John McDonnell have come up with.

“Some policies are undoubtedly going to be controversial”, we were told, “Placing the NHS under the direct control of Nyarlothotep could be interpreted as taking market forces too far, for example.

“Although more than seventy percent of nurses think he’d be better at the job than Jeremy Hunt.”