I have a confession to make. It’s going to be hard to say, but sometimes you just have to own up to your shit. Here it goes…deep breath…I really, really love Coachella. Seriously. The festival has grown in epic proportions the last few years, which ironically has resulted in a huge, silly, whining blowback from all the hipsters who made it so popular in the first place. While I am not above wearing the occasional flannel, I have to say, as with most things, those hipsters are dead wrong, and if they don’t want to attend a festival that gets better every single year (Hipsters only enjoy commodities below a certain quality, you see. Above that, it’s “mainstream,” and these people apparently love to hate anything that most people can agree is great), that is fine by me. I’ll pay excessive amounts of money year in and out to do this, because I am a fan. You might even call me a Coachella Snob from time to time. Whatever. It’s better than being a wine snob, and if you’re going to be a snob about something, it might as well be one of your favorite things in the world.

Part of what makes Coachella so great, “the” festival to attend if you really want a music festival experience on the West Coast, is its impressive diversity. Yes, plenty of artists seem to show up every single year for no reason, but despite the repeats, this is a festival that is damned sure it will not, for a second, be associated with any one particular “sound.” Say what you want about ravers taking over the weekend—they do seem to have an insane amount of money/free time to see the same 10 DJs 20 times every single year, but who’s counting?—but don’t forget that this is also a festival where you can watch 12 year old choir singers at midnight or listen to super angry underground rap while sitting on a nice, peaceful mound of grass if you so choose. They’ve showcased almost every single genre over the years except for maybe polka, but fuck polka. The point is, if you do it right (like I obviously do) you will expand your musical horizons every single year you go here. It’s one of the best parts of it for me.

The point is, Coachella is a magical place where there is truly something for everyone. The ways to enjoy this festival are numerous as the massive quantities of contraband confiscated at the front gate every year. That being said, here are eight activities you should engage in to enhance your 2014 experience, aside from the obvious OUTKAST! MUSE! ARCADE FIRE! It was going to be ten, but I’ll be honest, I was stretching for the last two and everyone likes the number eight. It’s crazy! See you fuckers there!

8. Play “Name That Psychedelic Indie Rock Princess” Throughout The Entire Weekend

The prevalence of singing-songwriting women at a major music festival shouldn’t even be an issue worth describing as an “issue” because it is goddamn 2014 right now, people, but apparently a brave enough cross-section of scroteheads has spoken out against the raging vagina-fication of their beloved Brochella, so I guess I’ll say something. I, for one, think this is a wonderful opportunity for a fun game—one that may even come with a side-effect of some gender awareness! Hoorah!

You see, in the past, when days the of Counterculture—you know that epic period of social progression where society decided to grow past petty things like prejudice—and incidentally, music festivals, began, it was still oddly uncommon for a woman to make a mainstream presence for herself in the the music world. I don’t really know why; personally, I think a beautiful, angelic singing voice is at least ten times sexier than tits (ladies), and weren’t we still all about oppressing women by turning them into mostly lifeless sexual objects at that time?

But, the fact remains, back then, if a lady rocker wanted to succeed with all the cool kids, she either had to sound vaguely like a man (Blondie), look vaguely like a man (Pat Benetar), or shoot heroin a lot like a man (Janis Joplin), which is a very limiting set of possibilities if you ask me. Thankfully, 45 years later, society has finally decided that women can proudly rock the music scene without pretending that they have an extra Y chromosome hidden somewhere behind their uterus. Which is great. And, ladies and gentlemen, if female-led indie rock is your thing, it seems that Coachella 2014 has got you covered more than ever before.

For example, this year you can check out Waxahatchee softly strumming dreamy indie rock ballads on her acoustic guitar…

Or, you can watch Wye Oak softly strum dreamy indie rock ballads on her electric guitar…

After that, you can see Warpaint, which is a band composed of cute girls playing dreamy indie rock ballads while swaying back and forth like there’s no tomorrow…

And then there’s Daughter, who also plays dreamy indie rock ballads and is excellent at swaying. Guys, I think there’s a pattern here.

Now, I’m going to stop posting videos because you’re obviously tired of them, but just in case you didn’t quite meet your quota back there, Coachella is also here to provide you with Neko Case, HAIM, ZZ Ward, Banks, Lana Del Rey, and probably others if you listen hard enough. They all pretty much play variations of the same kind of music, which I think is great because it’s good music and a nice respite from all the manic, seizure-like dancing you’ll probably be engaging in most of the rest of the weekend.

Therefore, I propose a game of stumbling around aimlessly at various points throughout the weekend (it’s almost certain at least one of these acts will be performing) until you hear some mystical angel serenading the crowd from one of the stages, then guessing the source without checking the bill. Person with the most correct guesses gets to shotgun a beer for gender diversity.

And gentlemen, if the aforementioned reasons aren’t enough to convince you, then let me point out that it has been my experience over the years that these shows are where you will find the largest population of these people.

7. Become Beer Pong Champions Of The Campgrounds Before Noon

I’m going to preface this by saying something slightly contentious. If you are going to Coachella and you are not camping out, then I really don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life, but you are doing it wrong. The campgrounds at Coachella are a magical place, really their own separate universe. It’s a universe populated by 40,000 people who have decided that, for one weekend, anything resembling socially “proper” behavior can go take a proper hike. It’s awesome and if you aren’t doing it then you are seriously missing out, buddy.

Goldenvoice, in their infinite wisdom, makes sure not to start any of the shows inside the actual festival until 12 at the earliest each day, probably to allow you to sleep off raging hangover you surely developed the night before. However, the scorching hellfire Indio sun will absolutely wake you up by 6:45 each morning anyway, and believe me when I tell you that there is precisely zero point in fighting this. So what are you and 40,000 other people going to do for five hours? Eat a balanced breakfast? Fuck that. Shower? Maybe. No, you are going to play endless games of Pong (or Beirut for you silly East Coast kids), Kings Cup, Flip Cup, and then more Pong. I’m not joking. Walk around the campsite for even five minutes and you will see more drinking games than you will ever see at the most wild college ragers. Probably because despite their strict regulations, there is more alcohol—especially beer—at this festival than there is food. A lot more.

You might think I’m encouraging alcoholism, but honestly, that’s only the smallest part of this particular equation. If one thing bonds everyone at the polo fields more than the music, it is the love of getting trashed, and since we are Americans, we absolutely must turn this into a sport. You’ll meet Europeans there who think this is strange (“Back in ze France, ve juste drink, man”) but they’ll quickly realize how much more fun we are after a few games of Thumper. And since you will find various Pong tables set up literally everywhere, I can assure you that there is not a single better way to make friends here—I have probably met about 80% of my Coachella buddies while partaking in some sort of beer sport. Plus, when you travel from table to table, a lot of free beer is usually involved, because of course your own small army of booze back at your tent is not nearly enough.

Or better yet, bring your own table and endless friends will come to you. I know this. As you can see above, I have done this before.

Seriously, guys. There is nowhere else in the world where you can drink twenty beers before the clock strikes “PM” and still call yourself a winner. Don’t waste this opportunity. Champion gets to shotgun a beer, for beer.

6. Try To Figure Out What The Hell Is Going On In The Do-Lab

For those of you that have never been, Coachella consists of six stages where live music is showcased: The Main Stage, Outdoor Theater, Gobi Tent, Mojave Tent, Sahara (Rave) Tent, and Yuma Tent. However, there is also a seventh stage that Goldenvoice doesn’t include on the bill but is totally worth visiting. It’s right in the middle of the fields, it is called the Do-Lab, and it gets completely batshit crazy. This is a small, random arena where small electronic acts, most of which are not signed by any kind of label—which means they can go on stage and do whatever the hell they please—play all day and all night. I’m not entirely sure Goldenvoice reviews the concert plans for the artists that perform here. And if they do, it’s probably while they’re all tripping on acid. It’s really, really, hard to explain what goes down here. But I’ll try.

During the day, it’s actually a collection of (relatively speaking) tame dance acts that you’ve never heard of; really not that much different from the far more popular parties happening over in the Sahara Tent, but here you get the added bonus of being hydro-pumped in the face, which will never seem more welcome than it is at Indio in the middle of April, trust me. That alone is worth a couple of visits in between the sets you paid to see.

Night, however, is when you will lose your mind venturing into this place, if you dare. Which you absolutely should. Coachella arranges its performances so that all the most popular acts play at night, when heat stroke is finally not a major possibility, which is the last thing anyone wants during an Outkast set, seriously. This means that the Do-Lab, which is pretty sparsely populated to begin with, is now practically empty. The artists who somehow land a night-time spot here literally have nobody they need to impress other than themselves. This translates into a bunch of bizarre, surreal, near-nightmares playing out before your eyes, live. It’s awesome. Last time we stumbled into this place at around 11, we witnessed the most bizarre mashup of funk & dubstep imaginable, complete with a stage show involving goddamn Amazon women hovering above the stage in bubbles and somebody breathing fucking fire. I never realized how much my life needed floating fire breathers before I saw this, and now every day without it just seems a little bit empty.

These shows cannot be random; there is way too much thought put into them. I’m convinced that there is some kind of deeper meaning here that I’m just too dense to get. So this year, I challenge you to venture to the Do-Lab at some point during the night and ponder the significance of what’s on display. I’m not well versed in interpretive dance, which I think a lot of this technically qualifies as, so I think if enough people participate we can come up with some sort of interesting narrative. Most creative interpretation gets to shotgun a beer for bullshit analysis.

5. Party With The Random, Out Of Place Biker Gangs

Ask most people at the festival who they’re planning to see, and you will likely get a list about 20-30 bands long. Which is completely justifiable—you just dropped 400 bucks to go, you better make the most of your money. Shenanigans aside, this is essentially a three day concert; a place to go watch live music for an entire weekend. I’m definitely that kind of festival attendee. When I don’t know most of the bands on the bill (which is more often than not), I spend countless irretrievable hours researching all the acts until I have a solid grasp of what I want to see. It’s a great way to discover new music, plus it makes me feel all kinds of elite to drop obscure band names and pretend I’ve known them since like, forever, dude, where have you been?

But there is one specific group of Coachella-goers who shows up every year to see one band, and one band only, because Goldenvoice schedules precisely one band catering to their taste. They couldn’t give less of a damn what else is playing all weekend. They are the Bikers, and this year they are going to see Motorhead.

It’s unclear why these guys choose to attend this festival that clearly wasn’t really made for them when they could just as easily see the one band they’re interested in for a quarter of the price, but I can assure you that I have seen them every time I’ve gone, and they will refuse to see any of your wuss music, thank you very much. This year, they might also venture out to see Queens Of The Stone Age, but I’ve heard rumors that the Bikers think Josh Homme’s red hair makes him look like a pussy, so probably not.

So what do they do all weekend? Well, they party of course. In 2012, I saw one particular group of at least 20 that never seemed to move from their spot (other than for Death From Above 1979) all weekend, except to presumably refill their neverending supply of Steel Reserve. They also played kickball, because of course they did. I totally regret not talking to them. So this year, I challenge you to make some Biker friends. I guarantee they have some gnarly stories that may or may not involve backcountry murder, and besides, where else will you get the chance to hang out with these guys without the very real risk of death by pool stick? Not very many places, I’m thinking. Person who makes the most Biker friends gets to shotgun a beer for beards.

Or, for a different kind of fun, walk up to one of these guys and ask if they’re excited to hear “Ace Of Clubs” and then run as fast as your little feet will take you, because you don’t even deserve to be in the same state as Motorhead, jackass.

4. Lorde

Ella Maria Lani Yelich-O’Connor, otherwise known as Lorde, was an interesting choice for Coachella this year. I’ll admit, even though it was rumored that she would be hitting the desert this April months ago, I was still kind of shocked when she actually showed up on the bill. Not that there’s anything wrong with her music—to be honest, I don’t really know any of it except that one song that everyone knows (I know the name, I’m just trying to sound cool and aloof). But, remember when I said Coachella showcases every genre except polka, but fuck polka? Well, I lied. There’s actually one other important musical style that Goldenvoice has pretty much stayed the hell away from since they began this party over a decade ago: pure pop.

Why? Who knows. Lady GaGa headlined Lollapalooza and Beyonce rocked Glastonbury, so it’s not like pop stars shy away from big music festivals. But for whatever reason, the elite audience at Coachella every year is apparently not interested in the most popular artists in the world. Madonna showed up in 2007, and she was sent to the rave tent, which is something that no one will ever understand, or even try to. That’s about as far as the Coachella audience has let pop go in their precious festival.

Until now, that is. Lorde may look like the reincarnation of the girl from The Ring, but, as much as she never wants to be Royal (har har), she is about as close to a modern Pop Queen as it gets, now with all the Grammy’s to prove it. Which means, historically, she does not belong at Coachella, which is probably why they didn’t give her a headlining spot. It’s not that she can’t command a large crowd. She’s by far the most popular act on the bill in terms of pure numbers of worldwide listeners—it’s not even close—but, as I’ve mentioned before, Coachella is not this little Kiwi’s scene.

All of this may sound like I’m giving you a bunch of reasons to avoid Lorde’s show, but I think it’s actually exactly why you should check it out. Her presence here is confusing as hell, and I think she knows it. Which means whatever we get from her will be, if nothing else, very interesting. After all, you have to admit that Lorde is kind of weird as all fuck, which is something Coachella thrives on. Add that to the fact that she seems to be possessed by a nearly obsessive desire to prove something to someone (this is the teenager who refused to tour with Katy Freakin Perry because she just plain didn’t want to) and I think you have a recipe for some kind of wild performance by a girl who, realistically, isn’t even old enough that she should be attending this festival as an audience member yet. Personally, I think anybody who has had a record development deal since age thirteen is probably talented enough to warrant some attention, and Coachella is known for big surprises…I have a feeling Lorde will be one of them. And if she totally tanks, that will be entertaining in a much sadder way, but still entertaining.

So I say go for it, let’s see what she does. And we can all shotgun a beer together for New Zealand. You’ve got my attention, Ella.

3. Give The Pre-Tweens Some Much Needed Parenting & Scare Them The Hell Away

Woah, woah, woah, before you get so angry at me, let me explain myself. I am not into child abuse, nor child traumatization. I would be a horrible fit in the Penn State Football coaching staff.

But that being said, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend at Coachella the past few years, and it must be discussed. This is the trend of kids who are way, way too young, roaming the polo fields and campgrounds like they’re at Disneyland. This is especially concerning considering the official Coachella rules state that if you are under 18, you may not camp without a guardian (there’s a lovely explanation about how to become someone’s guardian…), which the security staff seems to have chosen to happily ignore, because hey, they do everything younger these days, right? How young is too young, you say? I definitely saw a couple of 13-year old girls roaming the grounds looking for weed two years ago. How do I know they were looking for weed, you say? Why are you such a judgmental prick, Josh? Because they asked me if I had any.

Listen, I was thirteen once. I think most of the adults at the festival probably were at some point too, although I can’t speak for everyone. I get that you’re outgrowing kiddie stuff like stickball or bounce houses (until you get even older and realize Sky High is the greatest thing, ever) and all your little puberty hormones are telling you that you’re ready for the real fun. There are plenty of places that are great for pre-teens ready to boldly explore their totally deserved “independence” (hah, you don’t know anything but it’s cute to pretend). You can go to the mall. You can go to the beach. You can go to the pumpkin patch—in fact, I still try to do that every year and no one wants to go with me, which hurts.

But Coachella is still not for you, and it shouldn’t be.

There is a whole bunch of sketchy-ass shit that goes on at Coachella, and I am the first to admit that I think you shouldn’t be exposed to that level of debauchery before a certain age. Aside from the binge drinking, drug use, and drug dealing you might expect, there’s also plenty of loud sex, general stranger-danger, and random naked people losing their minds on a substance that I hope you don’t even know exists yet (maybe I’m naive). We will all grow up on our own at some point…no one needs a giant frat party/orgy in the middle of the desert to do that for them. You just don’t. Enjoy your Bar Mitzvahs while you still have them, kids.

I’m still perplexed as to how these kids even make it to the festival at all, because they’re almost exclusively unsupervised. That means their parents wisely spend hundreds of dollars on the ticket for their child to…what, exactly? Go see the music? I guarantee the 12 year olds know less than 5 bands on the bill, and if that’s not the case, then they have gotten into music pirating at too young an age. Most of these bands absolutely cater their music to 20-30 somethings anyway. Any kid that young who claims to be a Beck fan is either a liar or has the lyrical comprehension skills of a sea cucumber, because all of his music is blatantly about clinical depression or intravenous drug use. You, you cheery little 12 year old, know nothing about these things. And I’m even more horrified when I see kids this young at the Sahara tent sporting full-on rave gear including those adorable little binkies which I can only hope they assume are an ironic fashion statement rather than the very real solution to ecstasy users biting off their own tongues that they actually are.

So the only answer is that these kids aren’t being parented at all. They just asked Mommy & Daddy for a $400 concert ticket, and they happily obliged because “our darlings are such sweethearts.” Therefore, to solve this problem, I suggest that you say horrifying things to every little kid you see. Tell them about the time someone slipped meth into your beer and you tried to dry-hump the ferris wheel. Tell them about the girl who drank so many vodka-red bulls that she became like, ugly forever and stuff, and ended up making a bunch of ugly babies. Tell them about the time aliens abducted you during the Kaskade show. Anything to make sure they never come back until they are grown-ass adults.

Person who saves the most childhoods gets to shotgun a beer for being old.

2. Try To Find The Person Operating The Really Creepy Robot

That guy up there is Hotshot the robot, and he is by far my favorite annual attendee who lacks a central nervous system.

What makes Hotshot so great, you ask? Well, for one, he’s the OG; he’s been attending the festival for five years straight, and doesn’t show any signs of stopping. He’s also got a ton of style. Just admire those sleek shades that make everyone think he’s one of the members of Daft Punk, and that microphone that everyone mistakes for a robotic penis.

Oh, what was that I said? A microphone? Why would this robot need a microphone, unless…

OH MY GOD, HE TALKS!!!

Yep, that’s right, Hotshot talks. And not just little pre-programmed phrases; the dude has a lot to say. He will ask you how your day was. He will discuss your favorite bands with you. He will hit on you with the foul mouth of a sailor. He also claims to smoke cigarettes, but I think this is a lie. Anyway, the point is this little metallic dude carries on such realistic conversations with festival goers that there is no way he is being controlled by even the most advanced AI. No, I’m not a computer genius, but I’m pretty damn sure that somewhere, lurking around the festival, is some dude with an earpiece and a pair of binoculars having a ton of fun. And I want to find this man.

I want to find this man and just talk to him. What is your life like, Hotshot man? Do you do this every day, every year, or is there a secret league of Hotshots who all take turns? Do you ever find yourself contemplating the distance between man and machine? Have you ever had to stop and be sure that you were thinking your own thoughts, not Hotshot’s? Be honest, does Hotshot ever take over, like Tyler Durden? I bet he does.

Of course, I’ve asked Hotshot where his operator was, and his only response was “What are you talking about, dude? I’m my own man! I have no master, except maybe beer!” But, I know your tricks, Hotshot man. A real robot doesn’t drink beer; he would short circuit and explode, and it would not be covered under your Apple Care Protection Plan. This is a clue. And I’m determined to follow this lead to other leads, until the Operator is found. I know with your help, this quest is totally solvable within a weekend. So, embark on a journey with me, fellow Coachella journeymen. First one to find the Operator gets to shotgun a beer for the Singularity.

Of course, there are rumors that Hotshot will not be in attendance this year, but I think this is simply a foolhardy attempt to throw off my scent. I’m onto you, robot.

1. Go Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Have A Great Fucking Time

I know I’ve been silly and crass in some of these posts, but guys, this is what the whole weekend is really about. Coachella is my favorite place in the world, not because of the music (which is consistently amazing), not because of the art (which is nothing short of surreal), and not because of the parties (which are always wild beyond measure). But because of the people. Because of you. Each and every one of you make this place an indescribably special experience every year. This is literally the only place or time I can think of where people legitimately conjure an atmosphere out of nowhere and bring it into the real world, like a bunch of wizards or something. I’m not even kidding. If they could bottle “happiness” or “good vibes” the bottle would read “Made In Indio, California.”

But that environment of openness and love for all things beautiful doesn’t just come from nothing. If you put 120,000 people of any kind somewhere at random, the laws of statistics say there would be conflict like crazy. People are different, and we’re about to enter a month-long reminder that we only very recently stopped treating people who are different like subhuman insects.

So how do the good vibes keep on rolling? Because, somehow, the deities above that guide Coachella have convinced everyone that, at this festival, being different just doesn’t matter. Weird is embraced. You can have your comfort zone and regular activity at home; being here is about trying something different, and maybe, just maybe, liking it.

So, this year, continue to be different. And if you’re new to this promised-land, be especially different. Go crowd-surfing in that rave party you never thought you’d attend. Sleep on the ground underneath the stars. Make 200 friends. Eat some insanely unhealthy but deleriously delicious fair food that you wouldn’t consider anywhere else. Dance with your eyes closed at the Silent Disco. Hug a stranger because you like their outfit. Run around shirtless at 2AM singing your favorite hits from the weekend and wait to see how many people randomly join you. Cry in the middle of Arcade Fire. Kiss the pretty girl with flowers in her hair that you’d be too chickenshit to talk to in real life.

This is isn’t real life, friends. This is Coachella. And it is a goddamn blast.

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Josh is a filmmaker, novelist, blogger, and Coachella junkie. This year, you can catch him at Arcade Fire, Cage The Elephant, Capital Cities, Caravan Palace, City & Colour, Daughter, Empire Of The Sun, Fatboy Slim, Foster The People, Frank Turner, The Glitch Mob, The Head & The Heart, Kid Cudi, Lorde, Martin Garrix, Muse, The Naked & Famous, Neko Case, Neutral Milk Hotel, Outkast, Pharrell Williams, Queens Of The Stone Age, Surfer Blood, Tom Odell, Waxahatchee, White Lies, Wye Oak, and The 1975, among others.

Unless of course there are conflicts, because there are always conflicts. So really, who knows where you’ll find him. But that list is a good start. You might also be able to find him by contacting him on Twitter or Facebook. You can also buy his novel here or here . He’ll be so gracious that he’ll just have to meet you on the Polo Fields this April.