music

Updated: Jan 28, 2016 14:04 IST

What was your scariest childhood experience? Was it getting locked up in a dark basement or wondering if there was a murderer under your bed? We know what it was: Watching television with your parents when suddenly, without any warning, ‘Sarkai Liyo Khatiya’ would start playing. ‘Well now what’ you’d think. Should you excuse yourself for a glass of water, should you make a run for it or should you pray to Mother Earth to swallow you whole? Turns out, the experience is just as bad even now, except now you are the parents and you too are waiting for sweet, swift strike of death and on screen is Sunny Leone with her new Mastizaade song.

The Censor Board may be more than up for slicing up ‘non-sanskari’ movie scenes but perverted songs have some sort of immunity shield on them. No matter how dirty the song is, it slides straight through the censors like a fluffy cat through a fence (not every metaphor has to be gross…just trying to give you happy images for your brain considering what is about to follow). The latest addition to that list is Mastizaade’s Hor Nach (sounds an awful lot like another word for a prostitute).

However, this is not even the tip of the giant, horny iceberg. We have tried to list 13 dirtiest double-meaning Bollywood songs here and then some more which are not even trying to cover their modesty. Enjoy… wait don’t enjoy because we will judge you if you did.

1. Hum Toh Tambu Mein Bambu Lagae Baithe (Mard)

We begin by remembering our ancestors and with that we mean the most respected actor in Bollywood, Amitabh Bachchan. The lyrics go:

Hum Toh Tambu Mein Bambu Lagae Baithe

Hum Toh Tambu Mein Bambu Lagae Baithe

Maine Zor Lagaya, Haiyya Hoo!

Haath Se Bhi Dabaya

Par Dil Ki Miti Na Chubhan

In case you need help, it is about an erection and a groom not getting to consummate his wedding. Can you look at him the same way ever again? Lol, good luck with that.

2. Din Mein Leti Hai, Raat Mein Leti Hai (Amaanat)

Chhat pe leti hai, kamre me leti hai

Bistar me leti hai, khule aam

Let ke leti hai, baith ke leti hai

Kya bura hai uska nam leti hai, kiska?

Apne sajan ka apne balam ka

Wait while we cringe for the rest of eternity. If this wasn’t already ‘ugh’ enough, Ila Arun’s voice can make any song sound like it took a bath in oestrogen.

3. Khada Hai (Andaz)

Khada hai khada hai khada hai dar pe tere aashiq khada hai

Khol khol khol darwaja khol bol bol bol pyar ke do bol

Khada hai khada hai khada hai dar pe tere aashiq khada hai

In case you need help again, this is about an erection too. You are fooling no one Mr lyricist, except maybe the censors. This song went viral last year when someone dug it up randomly and we apologise for subjecting you to it once again.

4. Sarkai Liyo Khatiya

Do you need lyrics? Don’t remember it by heart? Anyway:

Sarkai Liyo Khatiya Jada Lage,

Jade Mein Balma Pyaara Lage

SUMMER

You: Aww boo you look so hawt, let’s get it on?

Bae: Ew! You stinky, sweaty filth, get off me nowwwwwwwwww!

JADA (WINTERS)

Bae: Come here baby, imma eat you rawwwww om nom nom.

Women are selfish hypocrites, eh?

5. Chatt Pe Soya Tha Behnoi (Karan Arjun)

Chatt Pe Soya Tha Behnoi

Main Tane Samjh Ke Sogai,

Mujhko Rana Ji Maaf Karna,

Galti Mhare Se Hogai

This song is pretty straight forward, just a girl apologizing to an overlord (maybe her husband) that she ‘slept’ with someone else mistaking him for the overlord. We’ve all heard that excuse, right? But what helps it makes it to our list is this expression by Amrish Puri. Look at him, he is almost frothing at the mouth.

6. Exercise (Prem Agann)

You wanna???

;)

You wanna???

;)

You wanna???

;)

You wanna???

;)

Exercise!

:|

This song is a healthy (no pun intended) reminder that it is not the songs that are perverted, it’s our minds. To ‘Girl’s do it, so do boys’ we could have also thought that maybe she is talking about brushing our teeth, eating or pooping but we all know where our head went.

7. In The Night (Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi)

Even naughty girls need love…

In the night no control

Kya karu kuch to bol

Tod de ye badan

Take my love take my soul

In the night no control

Kya karu kuch to bol.

You guys we get it: She has night blindness! So of course she can’t control her car. That’s what she is talking about. Trust us.

8. Main Laya Hoon Chuha Apna (Yaar Gaddar)

Ladki diwani hai ye karti hai ui ui ui ui

Main laya hu chuha apna, chuha apna, chuha apna

Arey mai laya hu chuha apna, kaha hai teri chuhi

We swear the chorus is also saying ‘Obama Obama Obama Obama…’ throughout. Anyway, Saif Ali Khan made some wrong decisions in life.

9. Choli Ke Peeche Kya Hai (Khalnayak)

Choli ke peeche kya hai, choli ke peeche

Chunri ke neeche kya hai, chunri ke neeche

What answer was she expecting really?

10. Maal Gadi (Andaz)

Ye maal gaadi tu dhakka laga

Dhakka kaga re dhakka laga

Garam ho gaya engine iska dhakka deta ja

From the movie that brought us ‘Khada Hai’ here is another offering. We wonder how long it took Anil Kapoor and Juhi Chawla to be able to sleep at all after this. This shit scars you for life.

11. Laila Teri Le Legi (Shootout At Wadala)

O Laila teri.. hey!

O Laila teri.. hey hey!

O Laila teri le legi

Tu likh ke le le… hey hey…

O Laila teri le legi

Tu likh ke le le

But what will she take mommy? Notebook? Pencil? His entire property? Mom, what?????

12. I Am A Hunter (Gangs of Wasseypur 2)

I am a hunter and she want to see my gun

When I pull it out boy, the woman start to run

She beg me to see it, she beg me to show it

But when I reveal it, she want to run and hide

Huehuehuehue! This one can still make us giggle like a girl even after all these years.

13. Kundi Mat Khadkao Raja (Gabbar)

Kundi mat khadkao raja

Seedha andar aao raja

Phool bicha perfume laga ke

Mood banao taaja taaja

Even the cover up meaning is about sex. What we think this is about is that … there is no modest way to say it… she is telling him that she doesn’t want to waste any time … and to *ahem.. wanna die right now* just get on with it. No we are not tomatoes, we are just red like that thanks to this song.

And now the few songs which aren’t even trying to cover up:

Dreamum Wakeupum (Aiyya)

Face to face-um dharti putram

Top to base-um kamasutra-um

Thighs-um thunder-um down-um under-um

Size-um matter-um think-um wonder-um

Jumping-um…pumping-um...

Throbbingum…thumping-um…

Us:

Pritam Pyare (Rowdy Rathore)

Pallu ke neeche chupa ke rakha hai

Utha doon toh hangama ho ho ho

Pallu ke neeche daba ke rakha hai

Utha doon toh hangama ho

Us:

Aa Ante Amlapuram (Maximum)

Mann mera mehandi kali

Umar meri atharah hone chali

Hata de chhilka, tu mere dil ka

Aa khaa le moong-phali

Us:

Good luck ever getting it on guys…!

Cringe together with the author at @soumya1405