Flap as he may, President Crow can’t find a homely place to stay!

Photo by Madison Pennisi | The State Press "Michael Crow searches for a place to nest." Illustration published Aug. 17, 2018.

By Parker Shea | 08/18/2018 11:42am

President Crow was seen Friday moodily gathering twigs and branches into a pile under the Coor Hall stairwell.

Those passing by at the time said Crow looked tired and grumpy. One student said that when he stepped too close, the nationally renowned university administrator screeched and flapped his arms angrily, then flew away.

“None of us is feeling good about this situation,” Executive Vice President and University Provost Mark Searle said. “He hasn’t been handling (the renovations) well. Honestly, it’s just breaking all our hearts. I just want this to end and for the Crow to fly home.”

Friday’s failed attempt at building a nest in Coor Hall is the latest of several. Crow was seen earlier in the week collecting a bed of grass and discarded plastics underneath the University Bridge.

Administrators tasked with following Crow said this could have made an acceptable home, despite the nearby traffic. However, everyone was disappointed when a homeless man walking by liked the bed and scared Crow away in order to use it for himself.

“Short-sighted. Just tragically short-sighted,” Searle said in reference to the homeless man’s actions.

That man, Johann Frieder, 28, turned out to be an adjunct professor in the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences.

“I was just out for the night, looking for a decent apartment that’s relatively close to campus, when I saw the grass and plastic bed,” Frieder said. “Honestly, it seemed too good to be true — a place to stay within walking distance to everything and no rent. I saw a man lying in the bed, but I didn’t know it was Crow. It was very dark.”

Frieder released a statement on Twitter saying he deeply regrets his actions and that he hopes the university does not consider reconfiguring his pay scheme down from debt bondage to indentured servitude.

Meanwhile, at press time Crow was seen jovially climbing into the purse of a mysterious woman who reportedly tamed his wild emotions. Provosts and deans were shocked. Neither Crow nor the woman, who was not identified and might have been in disguise, has been seen since.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Searle said. “What if the Crow never comes back? I hope she doesn’t hurt him. I pray every night she doesn’t hurt him. I just want the Crow to come back.”

Editor’s note: This article is satire, and none of the events described herein actually happened, nor are any of the characters representative of real people. Any opinions interpreted from this article belong to the author alone and do not reflect the opinions of The State Press or its editorial board.

Reach the columnist at parker.shea@asu.edu or follow @laconicshamanic on Twitter.

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