NIMRUD, IRAQ—Popping open a bottle of champagne and dancing with a mummified corpse in celebration, Smithsonian Institution archeologist Dr. Kathleen Roberts confessed she was “excited as all hell” Thursday after “hitting the mass grave jackpot” in northern Iraq. “Booyah! I mean, seriously, fuck yeah—we’re rolling in bones, baby,” said Roberts, throwing handfuls of Holocene-era rib bones into the air and standing under the confetti-like cascade of osseous chips. “Rang-a-dang, suckers! This is why I got into the business. I mean, you hear about people hitting the burial site lottery like this, but you never think it’s going to happen to you. There must be a 10-foot layer of bones down there! We got warrior bones, kids’ bones, skeletons of virgins tied to stakes. It must have been an absolute bloodbath. Truly horrific. I’m gonna be stinking rich! No more trying to get excited about a body here or a possible sacrifice there. Just goes to show, you gotta keep playing to win though.” Roberts then stripped to her underwear, lustily rubbed her hands together, and dove headfirst into the staggering assemblage of scientifically significant ancient remains.

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