There are lots of stereotypes thrown around about why certain people make big-ticket purchases. People who are insecure about their income buy flashy clothes to make themselves feel better about themselves. Women who don’t feel confident in their bodies pay surgeons to give them bigger breasts or fuller lips. Even the old classic that men who feel that their dicks don’t measure up in the bedroom buy fancy sports cars to make up for it.

Well, it’s hard to admit it, but my most recent purchase happens to fit into that last stereotype: I drive a fancy sports car because I want people to know that I have an almost miniscule vagina.

Lately, there has been a new wave of glorification of big, fat pussies. And I love it! I also totally understand why the idea of a plump, full vagina could be appealing. However, I’ve always had this slight, wee little vulva, and have always felt like it made me stand out, even though the average person would never get to see it. So why wouldn’t I spend $50k on a sleek, sporty car to communicate to anyone who sees or hears me coming that my pussy is so, so small? We all find a way to put our true selves on display one way or another. It’s my right and it makes sense!

Sure, the well-worn trope of having a flashy sports car is normally linked to having a little, tiny wiener and a fragile sense of self. And obviously, I feel similarly insecure about you not knowing about my itty-bitty vag. But the act of owning and driving around in my overpriced and completely inappropriate-for-suburban-living BMW M760i indicates the same exact message about me: My junk is also really, really small. And also I make a shit ton of money.

Is this starting to make sense?

Look, I’m not trying to brag, but I do have one of the slimmest, trimmest lil’ coochies that the world has ever seen. And I need anyone who’s walking down the street, anyone stuck in traffic, anyone parked around my adorable car in the garage to know that. If that makes me a braggart, then so be it. But why would I spend all this money on my fancy sports car if I didn’t want it to be a beacon of just how small my pussy is. People deserve to know! And I deserve to tell them.