Dear Client,

Of course you’re drunk and need a ride somewhere at 2:30 in the morning. No I don’t mind getting up out of bed, the non existent girl friend next to me can now go back to sleep while I get dressed. But just a few notes…

1. How about giving me a little more to go by than 2 god damn street names like Broadway and Main. Los Angeles County has more than 88 incorporated cities and you telling me how you met this hot boy doesn’t get me any closer to you. Hey, did you just hang up on me?

2. So you’re off the 101 freeway in the valley and I’ve narrowed it down, but an abandoned gas station, a few empty parking lots and a boarded up store front in a sketchy part of the valley isn’t an ideal place to meet me so where the hell are you? And why aren’t you answering your phone? Just what is going on? Is this a set up? How much did they pay you for this? Driver doesn’t carry more than 20.00 pieces of cheese. White zone is for loading and unloading only. Bee kind rewind.

3. After 30 minutes of waiting and searching, I go home empty handed just to get a call from your best friend. Oh, you’re at another intersection, 2 blocks down from the original location. No no, no no, I love driving around randomly. And here we go. Again.

4. Finally I get you. But why the hell are you yelling at me, wait are you crying, no, you’re definitely yelling at me. I’m doing you the favor of getting you home but now you keep saying you’re gonna get your boyfriend to “kick my ass”. Oh yea, I’m a go kick his ass and than I’m a lick your ass…wait. What?

5. I’m wondering if I’ll get paid for this. Should I go through her purse?

6. This night is starting to make sense. Previously, I’m always driving you to or from a bar. Don’t you ever work or are you driving the Johnny Walker goggle course.

7. I don’t mind the yelling but now you’re just being mean. Yes, I’m short with short limbs but that doesn’t mean I look “retarded”. Nothing worse than getting insulted by an inebriated hooker.

8. Oh, and since you’re drunk, I might as well tell you that when I pick you up at the airport, please face the street rather than the opposite way. I only have 15 seconds to find you before getting honked at by other drivers and harassed by the TSA but now I gotta circle the airport again.

9. No, I don’t wanna kiss you, just pay me.

10. Get paid and go home.