Remember when you and your wife were dating? It was really difficult to keep your hands off each other. You wanted her and she wanted you. That felt so good. It was awesome. There’s no better feeling than being desired. After marriage, and particularly after having kids, things have a way of changing. You are still ready to go every night, but she’s not. What happened? You feel like you rarely have sex anymore, and when you do, it feels like she’s doing you a favor.

You work out, you look good, but it doesn’t make a difference. You’re lost. This whole married sex thing was supposed to be different. Couples counseling might be something to consider for deeper insight. However, these 5 reasons your wife doesn’t want sex will help you understand and show you what to do.

1. She doesn’t feel connected to you.

While we feel more connected to our wives by having sex, our wives need to connect emotionally first. You may have talked with her about daily logistics or superficial things. She needs more. She wants to be seen, heard, and known. The disconnect causes her loneliness. It’s like she’s trapped in a dungeon alone. You need to free her.

Action: Talk to her about her. Find out how she is feeling, her insecurities, fears, and struggles. Also, share how you are feeling. Look at her–no distractions. Get tunnel vision for her. “Clear the mechanism.”

2. She doesn’t feel sexy.

The best place your wife can get affirmation is from you.Her body has changed since having kids. She knows it and she probably thinks about it all the time, constantly comparing herself to other women. Even when she returns to her pre-kid body, I guarantee she’s still comparing–desperate for affirmation. The best place she can get it is from you.

Action: Affirm her. She needs to feel your passion for her in your words, body language, and eyes. Tell her she’s sexy and why—particularly when she makes a negative comment about herself. When you get home from work, greet her with a long hug and kiss before you greet the kids. Look into her eyes and don’t be in a hurry to look away. When you’re out, direct your eyes to her rather than other places. Give her a look that communicates, in a room full of people, she’s the only one you want to talk to. The best place your wife can get affirmation is from you.

Studies show that over the course of a relationship, a woman’s desire for sex decreases while her desire for tenderness increases. The problem is that our desire for sex stays just as high as always. Even at its highest state, her appetite might not have been as high as yours and probably never will be.

Action: Recognize this reality and be patient with her. Reach out to her with physical and emotional tenderness. That’s what she wants and needs. Try to meet her needs before your own.



4. She is tired, stressed, or depressed.

Motherhood is exhausting, emotionally draining, and stressful. Once again, depending on the depth of her anxiety and/or depression, you may want to seek counseling.

Action: Give her some rest. Take the kids out for a day, run some errands for her, or clean the house. If she is stressed or depressed, rub her shoulders without her having to ask you to do it. Give her a foot or full body massage. Tell her to kick back and relax. Give her music to listen to and light some candles. Take her tension away.

5. She’s focused on being a mom, not a wife.

Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the perfect mom–to have it all together. They beat themselves up for every little mistake or lack of knowledge. They compare and can obsess over eliminating imperfections. Sometimes our relationship as husband and wife gets lost. That’s not good. Your intimate relationship is important and needs her attention, too.

Action: You need to talk to her about how you feel. However, make sure you are not prosecuting or pressuring her. Encourage her about how amazing she is as a mom. Let her know though that you miss her, want her, and desire her. It might even be okay to use the word jealous here. Your biggest concern should be for more intimacy–a significant need for each of you.

Earn some points: Do you want to have a good discussion with your wife? Share this iMOM article with her and ask her what she thinks. 4 Things You Can Do When You’re Not in the Mood

Sound off: What has helped you overcome your wife’s lack of desire for sex?