“You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you… that’s where I’ll be waiting.” -Tinkerbell, ‘Hook’



In September, we made plans to visit Disney World and Shane’s family down in Florida. I was very excited because the last time I had been down in Disney I had a very fun time but I was with my mother who didn’t want to go on vacation with me. She had only wanted to get drunk at Epcot and return to the car at eight o’clock because she was too tipsy to walk around anymore. She complained the whole time we were there and I never felt like she wanted to be with me at all. Now though, I was getting to go on vacation with my boyfriend and we were both excited about the trip.

I knew he had also bought the engagement ring by now. I had been looking for it in the house after he told me it was hidden away somewhere. I couldn’t find it anywhere though, but I knew he was bringing it with us. He had tried to propose to me in his bedroom a few weeks earlier, but I knew he didn’t mean it then. I told him he was going to have to get a little more romantic than kneeling down in his dirty laundry if he wanted to really ask me the question for which we were both waiting. I knew he was going to propose at some point during the trip and that was the big reason for this journey down there.

He joked with me about how he was going to bend over and tie his shoe and fool me into thinking he would proposing every now and then. I knew he would ask me only when the time was right though. Everything had to be perfect and I knew that it would be. I was wearing my camouflage shirt that said, ‘On A Mission’ because I was going down there for a damn good one– to get engaged, wear his ring and be given his promise.

We had his friend take us to the airport early on September 27, 2012. When we went through the security, he set off the metal detector with so much beeping I thought they were going to frisk him right then and there. When he was finally let go, I asked him what all the commotion was about and he got this look of realization in his eyes. “I think I know.”

“What? What was it?”

“It was probably the amount of palladium in the ring. I have it in my pocket and–”

I was so excited, I started jumping up and down and tried to tickle and frisk him simultaneously. “You have it? It’s with you? Where, where where?!”

I had never seen the ring before, this magical piece of jewelry that was going to change both our lives. Only he had the pleasure of glimpsing at it by that point and I was sort of jealous for that. He knew what it looked like in person, he had been able to hold it and knew what our future would be like with me wearing that thing. He told me that when it first arrived in the mail, he sat on his bed with it for a while knowing that he was holding his future in his hands. At the that point though, all he would say was, “I’m not telling.”

“Hmph,” I pouted, but relented as we sat in the passenger waiting room. We eventually boarded the plane and he had the displeasure of sitting next to me and realizing how nervous I get on planes. I didn’t always get so scared of them. When I was growing up, my family never took planes anywhere because my mother was terrified of them. Then when I was in my early twenties I had my first ever plane ride and it was the most exciting, fascinating journey I ever went on. I could see everything from way up high and loved to look down at the world below.

Unfortunately, after a few more plane rides that went bumpy, with turbulence and sketchy landings, I had had my fill of them and each one has gotten progressively worse. Shane tried to take my mind off of how scared I was though, telling me that most planes don’t crash, unless their pilots were sleepy, but he added with a joke, “I think I saw the pilot yawning.”

I ignored his teasing and played with my camera. Photography has always been able to take my mind off of things. That’s when I noticed that the photos I’d been taken thus far on the trip all had little dots on them in the picture viewer. I didn’t understand why they were so distorted, but I did remember taking the camera to the park with Adam and Fred a few days prior to the trip. I was a little worried that something might have happened to it then, but I pushed it out of my mind and tried to enjoy the plane ride with my boyfriend.

When we landed, we were both already exhausted but I was so excited to be in Florida. Shane was happy too. Until we caught a taxi with a cabbie that either did not know the area or was just driving around to make some extra cash. I told Shane I would pay for the taxi ride, but I was not expecting the toll to go up to $30 and then to $40 and then to finally settle somewhere after $60 when the taxi was finally done getting lost and Shane had yelled at him to find the damn hotel already. I sighed, knowing that my spending cash budget had just taken a huge chunk out of it. Shane was pretty pissed off, which I found odd because he wasn’t even paying for the taxi that time.

When we got to the Sheraton Lake Buena Vista Resort hotel, there were more problems. There was supposed to be a shuttle to Disney World because we were planning on going there that day after we unpacked in order to lay in one of the resort pools or maybe walk along the boardwalk of Downtown Disney. There was only two shuttles though, one leaving in the morning and the other coming back at night. It was two o’clock in the afternoon and we were stuck at the hotel we were staying at now. Shane started arguing with the manager about the fact that the website had promised more shuttles, but the manager just looked perplexed and at a loss.

We finally went up to our hotel room, both absolutely exhausted from the poor service we had received in Orlando thus far. Shane was fuming but obviously trying to reign in his frustration. I was still worried about my camera and asked if we could go find a camera shop. He agreed.

Then we checked out our room and became even more upset. On the desk were little bugs crawling around. There were bugs in our room, a little colony all walking around like they owned the joint. I took some photos with my camera so I could show the manager, but Shane had already had it with the place. I felt really bad because I was the one who had chosen the hotel based on pictures of it on the website. I thought it was going to be better than the dump we were paying several hundred dollars for but that’s where we were going to be stuck for the next couple of days.

“It’s fine.” I tried to smooth things over with Shane. “We’re not even going to be here that long because we’re going to be at Disney all day. Just think of it… Disney!”

He sighed. “Let’s go see if we can get a taxi somewhere.”

I’m not sure why we thought there might be a camera shop at Downtown Disney, but we walked for two miles to get over there. We walked the whole way there because the manager said it wasn’t that long of a walk. I was cool with the idea of walking there, but halfway there Shane started screaming at me that he wanted the vacation to go better and the hotel I had picked out was a dump. I didn’t know what to tell him, but as I saw the Disney buses that were coming out of Downtown Disney I felt like they were all starring at me, getting screamed at by my boyfriend as we were walking along the side of the road.

Everyone was enjoying their special, magical vacation and there I was with Shane, walking because the taxis were too damn expensive and we had gotten a bad hotel on my advice and I started crying. It was supposed to be so much better than that. Our first vacation and it was off to a miserable start.

Then to top it off, it started raining. We hurried to the shops along the boardwalk as the thunder cracked and the lightning started flashing. Florida rains are pretty torrential, so we got poured on pretty badly. We forgot about the fighting and ran to the nearest store. Shane wanted to play in the rain, suddenly putting his best foot forward and tried to make me smile, but by that point I was just done with the day. It wasn’t anything that I had planned it to be and I was getting more miserable with each passing moment.

He ushered me to the nearest restaurant and said we should have lunch. I wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t going to let him make me smile. We made plans to get to the nearest Walmart or Target so I could get a new camera lens and all I could think about was that this trip was off to such a bad start.

It didn’t get any better when we got lost going to the camera store. When we finally found the right place we’d spent a decent chunk of money in more taxis, even more in buying a lens which turned out to just be a zoom lens which wasn’t what I needed anyway and then we got lost on the bus system of Orlando getting back to Downtown Disney. By the time we got on that bus, we’d fought more because Shane was pissed I wasn’t enjoying myself and he was upset with all the running around I was making him do for a damn camera. It was our first vacation though and I wanted it to be memorable with photos for those memories.

On the bus though, we started making silly faces at each other, until he finally said, “Come here.”

I walked across the aisle of the bus and laid down on his shoulder. It was just such an emotionally draining day, we were both tired. “I’m sorry, Shane.”

“We had a rough start to the trip, but I’m sure the rest of it is going to be great now, Snugglebug.” He told me and held me tight. “It’s not our fault. It’s those stupid taxis and the busses and the rain. But how about we go to Downtown Disney again and we walk around for a bit.”

So we did that.

We walked along the boardwalk at night, bought ourselves some drinks and caught a couple of free shows along the way. One of the outside performers playing on the sidewalk that night was a violin, cello and flutist group called Nova Eva. We listened to the pretty classical music under the stars and he said later that that was the first place he thought of asking for my hand in marriage. He was going to propose there but couldn’t work up the nerve.

Eventually we strolled on over to where the ferry boats run. We caught a free ride on one of the ferries and snuggled up as it went through it’s rounds along the boardwalk then through the waterway over to Port Orleans. We got off at Port Orleans, a resort I had always loved and which was even prettier at night. We decided to check out the swimming pool and go night swimming. As I sat on the edge of the pool, watching Shane float on his back and kicked my feet through the waters, I couldn’t believe the roller coaster of emotions that the day had been so far. We’d woken up in Long Island, been through the air, fought with the Orlando transportation system and with each other but there we were enjoying the pool in the middle of a place of dreams. The vacation was definitely going to be one to remember.

We walked home that night by the scent of the weeping willows and strange moss trees of Florida. It was hot and humid, but comfortable as we talked about what we were both looking forward to and how at some point during that trip we were going to end up engaged to one another. We were in love despite all our fighting and we both realized this that night.

The next morning, we woke up very early to catch the only shuttle over to Hollywood Studios. This was the first stop on our tour of Disney World for many reasons. Shane was a bit skeptical of any fast ride, long lines and Disney World in general because he didn’t like crowds but I thought I could help get him in the spirit if we went to a place that was devoted to movies and old school Hollywood magic, which was something that was a hobby for both of us.

Getting there and buying our passes was so exciting to me, as it is every couple of years when I finally get to go. My eyes were wide open, my camera was flashing and I couldn’t believe I was finally there where all the magic happens. The first ride we went on was the Great Movie Adventure. As we got on the tram, Shane’s eyes were big and his face just lit up as he beheld the excitement. Even he was getting into the spirit of the day. After that was the Star Wars ride, which brought out our inner geeks. The Muppet 3D adventure was after that, which was followed by an outside car stunt show called Lights, Motors, Action! We both loved that one. It was nice that most of these rides and shows were places were we could sit down for long stretches at a time so our feet weren’t so tired on the first day.

After those couple of adventures, we started walking along San Francisco Avenue street back lot set which is a road where they built a huge mural that looks like the street continues forever. I had brought a whole bunch of old photos with me from when my parents went to Disney World in the past. I was hoping to do a photo project with the photos where I lined up the old photo with the new place and took a photo. I got the idea out of the only book that ever made me cry called Dear Photograph. One of the photos was from the 1990s and as I looked around I realized I was in the exact place where it was taken. I had found the first spot on the scavenger hunt.

“Shane!” I shouted as I reached in my bag for the photos and found the right one. “Shane, I think this is it. Yeah. This is it!”

He look at the photo and then at our surroundings. Sure enough, this was the place that both my parents were standing in years before. I could almost cry. I was standing where they were only a few decades ago. I felt like they were right there suddenly, on vacation with me again. I pointed to a spot a few feet away, “Shane, go stand over there. And now look towards the side of the street like you would be looking at my Dad in the picture.”

It lined up perfectly. The photo came out looking like Shane was just out walking with my parents down the street, something that I could never have up until that moment. I had tears in my eyes as I snapped the photo and then put my camera away.

He hugged me and all I could say was, “ Shane, you– you just met my parents.”

I never thought it would be possible. Everyone existed in the wrong time lines but with perseverance, creativity and a little magic anything could happen here. It was then that Shane took my hands and said, “I was going to ask you so many times before, but this is where I need to ask you. I can’t love you any more than I do right now in this moment.”

My belly did flips in my stomach as he brought me over to the steps of the buildings we were nearby. The world was in slow motion as he pulled out the ring from his pocket. “Julie Johnson, will you marry me?”

I actually felt a little dizzy as he slipped the ring on my finger, and then I realized that I hadn’t said yes yet, so I shouted, “Yes. Yes!” This was amazing for me, another thing I never thought possible. I had always thought I would be alone forever, without anyone who really understood me but then Shane was there. “I love Disney World! Of course I’ll marry you.”

There were some people watching us and I saw one lady smile when she saw me say yes. Everyone was happy for us but I was ecstatic. I hugged him tight and we kissed. We were engaged and we were going to be married some day. It was fate. I couldn’t think of anyone I would rather spend the rest of forever with either. I kept looking at the ring, then up at him, then back to the ring. It was real. And I was floating on air.

We decided that we should celebrate, so we went to go have lunch at the 50s Prime Time Cafe diner. It was a little diner that was all old school designed to be like mom’s kitchen, with all sorts of historical 1950s decorations. When we got there the hostess asked if we were having a wonderful day at Hollywood Studios.

I smiled and flashed my ring at them, “We just got engaged! We’re getting married!”

The hostess congratulated us and handed us two buttons that said ‘just engaged’ for us to wear. Once we put those on we were treated like royalty. The bar gave us some free drinks and all the staff went out of their way to tell us congratulations. While we were waiting for our table, I smiled at Shane who looked really happy himself. “I, we, I mean, we– we’re getting married!”

“Yes, Snugglebug, yes we are!”

When we got our table, the hostess went through the whole Prime Time Cafe routine about the rules of mom’s kitchen and told us to keep our elbows off the table, our napkins on our lap and no throwing food at each other. I laughed. This was going to be hard for us. Then she started talking about weddings with us and told us that the first rule of having a good time at the wedding was making sure that we ate something because we’d be mingling with guests so much we’d probably forget to eat. I was amused. We were having our first conversation about our wedding.

Then when we were eating lunch, I just kept smiling at Shane. I couldn’t believe it. We were getting married. I was going to be his wife. He was going to be my husband. We were going to have a home and some kids and grand-kids even and it was all starting there in that moment, just me and him building a life together. He smiled at me and then promptly put his elbows on the table, which I mocked him for doing. He was gonna get yelled at by Mom.

Our diner ended and we headed over to the Indiana Jones Temple Adventure show. It was thundering pretty terribly by the time we got over there, so they did the shortened version of the show because the long version involved some unsafe storm machines for changing the sets. We waited in the storm, kissing each other for a while until the rains passed and we went shopping. I bought a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and Shane got himself a Nightmare Before Christmas shirt.

We then spent the rest of the afternoon dancing at street concerts, making him go on the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster which he unfortunately hated because he never liked roller coasters, going to the Little Mermaid stage show where it fake rains on you inside and by the time we exited that show it was starting to get late. I couldn’t believe the day had passed so quickly. It was the first day of the rest of our lives together and it was going so fast.

I wanted to go on the Tower of Terror before it got too late, but Shane didn’t like fast rides and I didn’t like the haunted parts at the beginning of that ride. It would have been different if I would have been able to go with someone, but as it was I didn’t think I could brave it alone, so I reneged on that and we just went through the gift shop for that ride instead before heading off to see Fantasmic! the laser light show that would top off the end of night.

It was a huge show with special effects, boats with all the Disney characters, songs and music, lights and Mickey Mouse showing up at the end for the grand finale. It was probably one of the best moments of my life, being there with Shane, newly engaged and watching the wondrous show from the huge crowd of people in the bleachers. I felt like I was truly a part of something big right then and there.



After the show, Shane sat back in amazement. “That was awesome. That alone was worth the price of admission!”

We walked out of the park and got on a Disney bus back to Port Orleans so we could go in the hot tub and rest our tired feet. Shane let me borrow his new shirt because I had forgotten to bring along a bathing suit and we snuggled up close together in the hot tub. Our first day of actual park hopping was great and it could only get better from there.

When we got back to the hotel, I posted some photos of our engagement ring on Facebook, but no one seemed to get the hint. I smirked. They would find out soon enough. Soon the whole world would know what me and Shane were planning to do with the rest of our lives together.



The day we went to the Magic Kingdom started off with a fight. Even before we left the hotel room, Shane was pissed at me because I had forgotten to wash out his shirt when we fell asleep exhausted the night before. He had just bought the Nightmare Before Christmas and I had worn it in the hot tub with all the chlorine. He was scared it was going to be ruined now. I felt horribly guilty, but I was wondering why he was yelling at me right after we had gotten engaged the day before. I wondered if there shouldn’t have been at least a little reprieve from all the fighting he seemed intent on bringing into our lives. I washed the shirt out and he said he was sorry. He was just getting tired from all the walking around and going, going, going that was on the agenda.

We forgot about the brief fight and then headed to the Magic Kingdom on the bus shuttle. The first place we went was actually just the Main Street bakery to get something for breakfast. While Shane was eating breakfast, I walked outside for a little bit because I heard a whole bunch of commotion. I walked straight into a random parade. I laughed because it was only in places that this that random parades just happen.

When I went back to see Shane for breakfast, he was talking about how he hoped there were that many crowds today. I didn’t want to tell him that the Magic Kingdom was the park with the most crowds and the longest lines. Maybe after he had his morning coffee he would feel better.

We ended up in Adventure land soon after. He called his family from the Swiss Family Tree House, talking to them for a long while about how he was engaged now and how he wanted them to meet me. I was happy to meet them but kept dragging him through the place to play with me instead. We were in Disney World for heavens sake, talking on the phone could wait. He ended up getting into the swing of things eventually and settled on buying himself a really awesome looking Indiana Jones hat at the one of the marketplaces.

We hit the Jungle Cruise where he was laughing about how he was going to feed me to the crocodiles and alligators. Then we went to Tom Sawyer Island and played around the fort for a while. We stood in the long hot line to the Haunted Mansion and then relaxed for a boat ride on the Liberty Square Riverboat. Then I saw that the Tiki Room was open. It had been closed the time I was there with my mother.

“Oh my gosh!” I jumped up and down. “It’s the Tiki Room!”

“The what?”

“In the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room all the birds sing words and the flowers croon in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room. Cha chagachuka, cha chagachuka!”

“I have no idea what you just did right there.” He looked at me like I had two heads. He was not as up on his Disney trivia as I was and didn’t know that the Tiki Room was a right of passage. I grabbed his hand and brought him off to see the birds and the flowers and the Polynesian awesomeness. He enjoyed that one just as much as I did once he was inducted into our strange tribe.

I took him on one more roller coaster. He did not like Big Thunder Mountain Railroad either. It was too fast and out of control for him. He graciously agreed to go on it with me though, which was as much as he would do.

We walked around the park some more, stopping in Tomorrowland next. We went on the spaceship ride, the Carousel of Progress and Stitch’s Great Escape. The last roller coaster I brought him on was Space Mountain. He actually enjoyed that one. He said it was like flying through space, so he loved it. It’s dark inside and all you see are stars. Unfortunately, all I was seeing was stars because I kept getting jostled around in my seat and I had forgotten to put my camera away so it kept hitting me in the stomach. By the time I got off that ride, I had a bruise on my tummy. Shane seemed really worried when I walked off that one holding my belly and walking with a limp. I just found it ironic that the one roller coaster he enjoyed had caused me so much discomfort.

It was fun to have someone come with me because when I went with my mother she didn’t want to go on any of the rides and she would just sit on the park benches and not come into any of the rides with me. Still, there were times when Shane just didn’t seem like he wanted to be there with me either. We missed a bit of the fireworks because we were blocked by trees. I had the times wrong for that and thought there would be another show but there was only one that night. He seemed annoyed that I hadn’t planned that out well enough for us to enjoy it thoroughly.

We ended the night’s rides with the Mad Tea Party, another place where the photo scavenger hunt had led us, and then went on the go carts. After that, we sat on the bridge waiting for another fireworks display, but after being told there was only going to be one that night, we decided to head on out. Unfortunately, the park announced it was closing and everyone else headed for the exit as well.

I was following Shane out to the exit when I looked at the Magic Kingdom castle and saw it lit up with beautiful pink lights that were shining on it. I told Shane to wait a second for me because I was going to take a photo but he must not have heard me. After I took my photo, I turned around and there was no Shane. I had lost my fiance on the first day of having him.

“Shane! Shane!” I shouted through the crowd, but heard nothing in reply. I shouted so loud people were starting to stare at me. “SHANE! SHANE WAIT FOR ME!!”

Nothing.

I started getting frantic because I didn’t have a cell phone, but then I remembered that our plan was to meet at one of the park’s landmarks if we got lost. I think it was a bulletin board or a particular statue. We would wait there until we met back up again. So I walked over there, shouted as I stood in the spot where we told each other we would meet if we got lost. “SHANE! SHANE!! ARE YOU OUT THERE, SHANE?!”

No reply. No Shane.

At that point, the security and cast members were trying to usher everyone out the front gates, so they started asking me to move. I told them I was waiting for someone, but they said I would have to wait somewhere else. I sighed. I wasn’t going to find him like this. I went over to the entrance of the park, watching as everyone left, still calling his name. I was really worried because I didn’t know if I could find my way back by myself but more than that, I knew he would be seriously pissed off once I found him and I didn’t want to get in trouble.

I went to the city hall because they had a lost and found and thought maybe that would ironically be where I could find my fiance. No luck with that either. I asked if I could use their phone and the castmember working there agreed. I called up Shane’s cell phone number but it went straight to voice mail. Even if I had a cellphone it wouldn’t have helped, but I knew that wouldn’t make him any less angry once he found me.

The security was really adamant that I start leaving the park and I didn’t know what to do. I figured the closest place I could go where I wouldn’t be told to leave was the Grand Floridian hotel which was right across the water on an outgoing ferry. I reluctantly got on it and asked to borrow another passenger’s phone. No answer again. I called Shane and told him I was going to the Grand Floridian hotel and would wait for him in the lobby.

I got off the boat and looked around for him, hoping beyond hope that I might find him. I was so worried I was going to get screamed at by him. I walked into the lobby and started frantically asking people if I could use their phone.

There was a group of wedding guests who had just left the party and very happily let me use their phone. One of them laughed, “She’s missing her fiance! We have to reunite the true love birds. Tweet, tweet, tweet.”

I sighed. It wouldn’t be like that if the past was accurate about anything. Once Shane found where I was he was going to bitch at me until I knew what an idiot I was for running off without him. He finally picked up, “Shane, I’m at the Grand Fl–”

“I know! I’m here in the lobby. Where are you!” He was screaming and I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was in the other end of the lobby, blocked by a tall column.

“Right behind you.”

“Oh, they found each other.” One of the wedding guests smiled. She put her hands together and held them to her heart in a pretend swoon. “True love returns to rescue the princess.”

I smiled, trying to play it cool. These people seemed like very nice people. I could have been friends with them, they were so gracious and definitely knew how to party, but then Shane arrived and grabbed me by my wrist and all my normalcy went out the window.

“Come on, I want to go home!” He shouted, pulling me by my wrist. I tried to say goodbye to the kind people who had helped me, but they all gave me this questioning look all of a sudden. Did I really want to go with the person who was pulling me away from them so forcefully?

“Uh, thank you.” I nodded to them. I walked out of there with him pulling me the whole way, completely embarrassed by getting lost, by not having my own cell phone, by not being able to get in touch with him before and by meeting some really nice people only to have this confrontation in front of them. They were worried about me and they barely knew me. I should have been worried for myself, considering we had only just gotten engaged and Shane was already pissed off at me. All my dreams were coming true though. This was supposed to be the happiest place on Earth. It didn’t feel like it at that moment however.

We decided to skip the swimming at Port Orleans that evening.

The next day in Epcot Shane seemed to not want to be with me at all. He started the day annoyed, but I did get him to go to the land and sea exhibits. We also went to go see Figment’s ride, but we didn’t stay in Future World for too much time. We were much more excited to see the World Showcase. I had brought him here specifically to see the Wine and Food Festival that I had talked about many times with him before because he was a very big food lover.

Once we bought the passes for the festival and he realized how many different booths there were to buy so many different kinds of food from that day, he was in heaven. Then when we started seeing the countries in the World Showcase he said he felt like he was a world traveler. He said we should have started the trip in Epcot instead of any other park. I was really proud to have finally found something he really enjoyed.

We started the day with some french pastries, then saw a rock band play in the gazebo in England, went to see the bagpipers in Canada and then got on a boat to take us over to Mexico and Norway because we were backtracking too much. We, of course bought the cannolis they were selling in Italy, and then since Shane was a beer lover we got the beer sampler in Germany.

When he was talking on the phone with his sister that evening, she said that we absolutely needed to go see Soarin’. It was back in Future World but we had missed it. We were going to go on that, we said, but the line was over an hour long when we were back in that part of the park.

“No,” she said, “Go! It’s completely worth it!”

So, on her say so, we traversed the whole half mile or so to get over there and stood in line for an hour. We hoped it would be as good as she said, and once we experienced it we definitely thought it was just as wonderful. You strap into these seat harnesses that lift up and then the screen floats underneath you and shows you video taken from the bottom of an airplane, so it looks like you’re flying through the air. It even has air blowing on you and it was a welcome cool breeze after the hot day of walking around. Up there, flying around, the world seemed so peaceful and I looked over to where Shane was and he was smiling at me. Everything was perfect in that moment.

After we got off the ride, we called his sister back and thanked her for the good advice. Then we looked for a spot to watch the IllumiNations light show. It was Epcot’s big show for the night. I needed a good spot where I could see, but Shane didn’t like where I had chosen. There was a tree in his way that he said was blocking his view.

I looked around. The place was getting crowded and pretty soon we would be crowded out from watching it. “Well, do you have any other ideas?”

“No. Whatever. This is good.”

I didn’t know what to do. He obviously wasn’t having a good time, but I didn’t see any other good spots to stand and he did say it was fine to stand there. I tried to ask him what we should do, but he just ignored me so I watched the show. Meanwhile, he just sat on a bench and refused to be a part of anything. It really hurt. Especially after my mother wasn’t there for me the first time around. All I wanted to do was bring someone to the parks and have a good time with them and have them want to be there with me, but everyone who was in my life just seemed so inconvenienced by me.

I watched the show and tried not to cry because no one ever wanted to be with me. My own fiance didn’t want to be with me. I was just in the way of everyone else’s plans for their life. After the show, we waited on the bench silently as people filtered out of Epcot. He finally said to me. “Let’s just go.”

I quietly got up and followed him silently out of the park. He was so upset with me and I didn’t even know what I did. It was the first time I really started to wonder if getting engaged was a bad idea.

The next morning I was really troubled by the idea that I was now engaged to someone who didn’t even want to be with me. What made it worse was that by the time Shane’s sister, Jacqueline Veerenboom, and her sons Joshua who was ten and Jeffrey who was around four, arrived Shane was suddenly a completely different person. Gone was the sullen, pouting man I was on vacation with and had known for the past few months now, he was bouncing around and smiling and couldn’t wait to do everything with them.

I sighed. He didn’t want to do anything with me all week, but they arrived and suddenly everything changed. Jacqueline was nice enough, I could tell why he liked her, but the mood swing was just too bizarre for words.

“Is that the ring?” Jacqueline asked me, and then asked if she could try it on. I didn’t mind so she put it on her finger and Shane beamed with joy. “It’s really nice, but oh, isn’t wearing someone else’s ring supposed to be bad luck. I should just give this back to you.”

She laughed but now I wonder if it wasn’t bad luck after all. It definitely ended up on the wrong finger at any rate.

We ended up going to the Polynesian because everyone wanted to pool hop for a while. The place had swimming pools and slides for the boys. Shane loved to act just like one of the kids and would splash around with them, trying to drown them and toss them about. He liked the place so much he suggested we honeymoon there so that we could see his family on the honeymoon.

“I kinda liked the idea of having a honeymoon for the… you know, honeymooners.” I said. I’d never heard of a honeymoon that involved bringing the whole family along. Usually there was less children and more sex on these things or so I’m told. Traditionally, it was supposed to be the time for the two newlyweds to get to know each other, but he didn’t particularly seem interested in getting to know me anyway.

Everyone swam around for a while. I even went on some of the slides with Jeffrey and Joshua. They had a cave with a waterfall too, and then some games for the kids that were being hosted by one of the hotel’s castmates. I was really enjoying being a part of a family once again. Even if I didn’t feel like I was part of it just yet, the whole idea of bringing everyone down for a day outing was something I could look forward to in the future.

When me and Shane were walking around we saw these little individual motor boats that were rentable for forty dollars. “Those look really fun.” He said. “But, oh, I should be here for my nephews.”

“It’ll just be a few minutes.” I looked back at where they were still playing the games with the castmember and all the other children. “I’m sure they won’t even know if we skip off for a little while. We’ll be right back.”

Shane sighed, looking torn between the two options, until he finally relented. We rented the motor boats and went out for a spin in them. I did some donuts and drove off to get a closer look at the Magic Kingdom which was right across the water, but Shane didn’t look like he was having any fun. In fact, any time he was stuck with me, he looked miserable. Finally our time was done and we drove the boats back. Then he hurried back to his nephews as quick as possible without even waiting for me. I was just an inconvenience. I swallowed my pride and went on with my day.

Jacqueline took us to the Polynesian restaurant and I ate some really good Hawaiian pizza, getting in some good conversation with my future sister-in-law and nephews. They were really funny and wanted to know all sort of things about me.

Once we were done for the day, we walked back through Downtown Disney again, found Jacqueline’s car and she drove back to her house. Shane kept talking about how the houses in this neighborhood were so nice and cheap. I never agreed to move there though and I wished he had talked about his deep longing to move to Florida with me before getting engaged. I felt like I was trapped now.

Jacqueline showed us her home, with Shane oohing and ahhing over every little thing she’d done to make it look so nice. Of course she had time to decorate the place. Both her sons were in school and she didn’t work, she could be the perfect housewife with all that time on her hands. There were gifts in the guest room for us, some engagement presents with our names on them. They were the first engagement presents and cards we were given. It made me feel really connected to the whole family then. I had never been formally introduced into anything before and it was the belonging I’d always wanted.

I was so tired though, so I changed and relaxed for a bit. Meanwhile, Shane went to go play with the kids, shut the door and left me while he played board games and role-playing games with Jeffery and Joshua until he was ready to go to bed. It was really weird being in the house for the first time by myself though. I really wished he had invited me to game with them or do something instead of me just sitting on the couch wondering what to do with myself. It was okay though, at least he was happy.

The first day I was at their house, I was so tired from walking around the parks for the past few days. Then I ended up getting horribly sick for some reason. I threw up in their bathroom sink and then didn’t have any way of cleaning the mess up. I was there, on my first morning, trying to unclog the sink while simultaneously trying to let them not know what I had done in the bathroom. After Shane found out I was sick, he went with his sister to the store to go buy me some medicine.

After not being able to spend the first full day with them because I stayed in bed sick, I felt really out of the loop. When I got a little better Shane was busy playing with the kids non-stop. They played in the pool, did art projects, went on long walks with the kids, carved pumpkins and we went to the mall to pick out their Halloween costumes. Every moment of the day something was happening and it all revolved around the kids. I tried to be a good pseudo-aunt but it was clear that I just didn’t fit in there.

Jacqueline threw a Happy Engagement party for us, but I still somehow didn’t feel like I was doing everything right. I had been so out of practice with having a family I didn’t know how to go about making a completely new one and felt thrust into doing it all by myself since Shane was too busy playing to make sure I was fitting into my new surroundings. I was just completely off-kilter the whole week so I kept to myself and played on the computer most of the time. We had a family movie night which was nice, but that was about the only time Shane wanted to sit next to me at all.

One day when we were at the neighborhood park, Jacqueline told her kids that they shouldn’t play in the park sprinklers because we hadn’t brought any towels with us. She didn’t want them to get the car wet. Even though he heard this it didn’t keep Shane from running through them when she wasn’t looking. I told him not to but when I saw how much fun he was having, I couldn’t stop myself from rushing into the sprinklers as well. We were laughing and splashing each other and he was finally, actually doing something with me.

Then Jacqueline saw us. Shane had to crawl on his hands and knees to beg her forgiveness. She was not amused, but finally relented and said, “You’re sitting in the trunk now.”

We piled into the trunk, both soaking wet and the kids were laughing about how we got into trouble. We went to the store next. Jacqueline and Shane went into the store to buy some groceries. Earlier that day, Shane had promised little Jeffrey that they would get ice cream after the park. Jeffrey was still excited about that and jumped around in his seat. “We’re gonna get ice cream. We’re gonna get ice cream!”

I knew Shane had said in the same way he often said things to me when he didn’t really mean he would do it. Now that Jacqueline just wanted to get home, we were all tired from the park and soaking wet I didn’t think it was going to happen. I wanted to let this little, sweet kid down a little easier. “You know, Jake, sometimes Uncle Shane says things and they don’t actually happen. He means well but–”

“We know our uncle better than you.” Joshua pipped in with a defiant teenage tone older than his years. “You only just met him, what would you know?”

I shut my mouth, surprised at the sudden tone in his voice and feeling the out of place emotions at full force now. I was sitting soaking wet, in the back of this car, suddenly not knowing what I was doing there in the first place. Maybe this kid was right. Maybe I didn’t know my fiance at all. My fiance– oh god, he was my fiance and I didn’t know him at all! I starred down at the ring on my hand, feeling it tighter than it should have been and wishing to take it off, but trying to remain calm.

That night when we went home, I stayed in our guest room. In fact, I stayed there for much of the next day when Shane went to go play with the kids again. I sat on my computer, wishing to talk to anyone who was online about something that I could connect to because I suddenly felt so far away from home. I was scared I didn’t know my fiance and I felt like a stranger in a strange world, with no one to introduce me into it.

Shane started getting annoyed that I didn’t want to play with the kids and wasn’t talking to my sister. I couldn’t just come out and say what Joshua told me. I felt like everyone would be pissed off at me for talking badly about him. So I casually slipped the ring off my finger and put it on the nightstand in the room. When we went to bed that night, Shane told me if I didn’t want to get married I shouldn’t have said yes in the first place.

I sat there in the darkness next to him, a thousand thoughts going through my head, until I couldn’t take it anymore. While everyone else was asleep, I tiptoed to go get my computer from the living room. I started making a plan, trying to see if there was a taxi to get me out of there or a plane I could catch that would take me home, or anywhere– just somewhere where they understood me.

“What the hell are you doing? People are sleeping and it’s one o’clock in the morning!”

He was screaming at me, despite not wanting to wake everyone up. I just quietly told me, “I just want to go home.”

“Go home? I tried to fucking give you a home but you don’t fucking want one. You haven’t even talked to my sister all day! You didn’t go swimming with us tonight!” He started screaming, probably waking everyone up but no one came out to see what was going on. “I give you everything and you throw it back in my face.”

“You’re never even around, how would I even aim for your face!” I screamed back, finally losing control of the volume of my voice too.

“You are going to wake everyone in this house up because you’re a selfish bitch who only thinks about themselves! And what do you mean I haven’t done anything with you? I took you to Disney. Wasn’t that enough? I did that so that I could spend the rest of the week with my family!”

It sounded like he was trying to say that I wasn’t a part of his family. Again with being the outsider. He didn’t want to be at Disney after all. It sounded like he was just crossing it off his to-do list so he could go have fun with the real people he came to Florida for now. I had spent all this money on a vacation and it was just something to cross off his to-do list. It was just like when my mother didn’t want to come with me. I started crying.

“Shut up! You are being so fucking loud.” He screamed again, grabbing me by my wrist and trying to haul me back to bed. “You are such an ungrateful little bitch. You just need me all the fucking time all to yourself.”

“It would have been nice if you didn’t shut the door on me the first minute you got here.”

“I did that to be polite to everyone, but you could have come inside and sat with us but you didn’t. You just don’t like my family. You hate my nephews and I don’t know why.” He left me in the living room and went to bed. I sat there, feeling like I was a million miles away from anyone who cared about me. I couldn’t even talk to him. The kid was right. I didn’t know this person at all. I didn’t know how to tell him how I was feeling. I didn’t know how to get him to listen to what I needed. We were just two completely separate people and always would be.

I decided not to get a taxi and leave that night. Instead, I slipped into bed next to him and felt small and helpless. I needed someone to talk to who could help me understand what I was feeling, but there was nothing and no one.

The next day I didn’t really speak to anyone. I was sure they had all heard what happened and I felt even less welcome there than before. Another day passed and eventually Shane asked me to come into the bedroom to talk to him. I sat on the bed and he asked me if I meant to give him back the engagement ring. I told him I didn’t know how I felt anymore.

“But I love you.” He said. I didn’t know if I believed him. “Please talk to me, Snugglebug.”

So I told him everything about what happened with Joshua in the car a few days prior.

“You’re lying! My nephew would never say that. I can’t believe you’re making shit up about Joshua.”

“He’s just feeling like I’m the new girl taking you away from him, I think.” I said, trying to get through to him, but so annoyed that even when he said he wanted to talk, he wasn’t listening. He vehemently disbelieved me. Joshua was another person who walked on air around there and despite my feelings and despite me being his fiance, he didn’t even want to ask Joshua what happened. He just outright disagreed.

“I just feel out of place and I wish you had asked me to come hang out with you guys without shutting the door on me.”

“You could have come in. I wanted you to come in.” He said. “I don’t want to lose you. But this is my only time with my nephews, it’s their time. It has to be their time. I don’t get to spend any time with them during the year.”

“Okay, fine.” I said and snuggled down next to him. I was still hurt, but was willing to ignore the pain for a while. I just wish he had talked to Joshua instead of disbelieving me blindly.

He took the ring off the nightstand and put it on my finger. “Now don’t take this off again.”

“Okay. I agree. I’ll never take it off again.”

Everything was finally okay again, at least a little bit– but we were going to be leaving in the next few days. I wanted to do something– anything, with him for the last few days. I wanted to be a part of his vacation, but again he was off with the kids. I tried to follow but they were always doing something I didn’t understand like gaming or rushing off faster than I could keep up.

We went resort hopping again on the last full day we were in Florida. We went to the Art of Animation Resort to go swimming in the pools and then ended up at the Animal Kingdom Lodge to see the animals and go swimming some more.

His sister saw the hot tub and ushered us to go have some time alone together. “I’ll watch the kids. You two should have some time together.”

So I went into the hot tub with Shane, and we were in there for a few minutes. I thought it was nice to spend some time alone together. I sat in the sun, feeling the bubbles of the hot tub and tried to cozy up to him. I just wanted him to loosen up around me again, enjoy the moment and enjoy this vacation that was supposed to be our first trip together. “This is nice. I like this.”

He suddenly got up, annoyed at me and said. “I don’t. I feel guilty.”

He got up, left me there and went back to playing with the kids. I sat there feeling completely embarrassed. It hadn’t even been five minutes. We had been there for several days now and he hadn’t given me five minutes of his time the entire trip, other than the Disney thing which he had basically said he only did to get it out of the way. I sat there and cried. I had always thought that being engaged was supposed to be different. It was supposed to feel like you had someone backing you up, someone you could come home to or go on vacation with– someone who would be there for you and listen to you when you were hurting and none of this week felt like that at all.

When I got out of the hot tub I walked over to his sister who asked me where he went. It was like someone rubbing salt in the wound. I felt like such a fool.

“Don’t know.” I told her. “He left his fiance again.”

“Oh, I, um.” She tried to sound nonchalant. “I’m sure he’s just off with Joshua or something. They’ll be back soon.”

I nodded, but didn’t feel all that sure.

I couldn’t wait to get home after that. I wanted to hang out with someone who actually wanted to be there with me for once. I just wanted to get home and figure out whether or not I should still be wearing this ring. I was so alone and I always thought getting a fiance and a new family would help me not feel that. I stayed quiet for most of the rest of the time I was there.

There was one thing I had wanted to do when we were in Florida other than Disney World. I wanted to go to my favorite out-of-state restaurant the Green Iguana. It has delicious tropical food but it’s only found in Florida. I had convinced Shane to go there with me and he thought there was one in the Tampa airport. The only problem was that the restaurant was located beyond the check-in point. We didn’t know that until we got to the gate. Shane didn’t want to leave his family already, but I really wanted to get the food I’d waited for all these years and didn’t know when I would ever be able to get again. I definitely wasn’t coming back to Florida any time soon.

He had to make a decision between going with me and staying back to talk to his family for a half hour more. I told him it would be fine and I would meet him on the plane, but he refused to let me go alone. He pouted after we left his family though. I just wanted to get my damn food after being ignored all week. I didn’t care if he came with me or not.

It was all my fault for the restaurant being on the wrong side of the gate. It was all my fault for what his nephew said to me. It was all my fault for not feeling like I was a part of things. Shane never let me forget that this was all my fault and didn’t even want to sit next to me on the plane. In his eyes, I embarrassed him in front of his family and disrespected them in their own house.

When his friend Mateo picked us up at the airport to drive us home, Shane told him nothing about going to Disney or his time with me, just that he had spent some time with his family and it was great. Mateo told him that it was important to spend time with your family.

Shane pointedly said, “Yeah. It is important.”

I just stayed quiet in the backseat. It was also important to be there for your fiance. It was also important to include your fiance. It was also important to listen to your fiance. Except, in his eyes, it really wasn’t.

And the ring was still on my finger, like a weight that was too heavy for me to wear. I would have to make up my mind what I was going to do about that and I knew it would involve a fight whatever I did in the future.

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