After months of trying to reverse sliding sales with corporate restructuring, experiments with customizable menus, and crowdsourcing ideas for how to interslice computational nuggets in the disrupting millennial shake-stream, McDonald’s has finally hit upon the key to its grand “turnaround plan”: The Hamburglar needs to be hotter. Today’s young people don’t want their beef thieves to be squat, hydrocephalic gingers with a mind as singular as their tooth. They want a handsome Jon Hammburglar. They crave a more proactive, multitasking, sexily stubbled, cross-fit sort of Hamburglar. They long for a hipper Hamburglar who “goes ham” as much as he burgles it.


“My desires are… unconventional,” this dream Hamburglar says.

“Show me,” they reply.


In one of those press statements that makes you reflect on your marketing degree and whether it was worth it—or whether you’d been better off pursuing a life of stealing hamburger sandwiches—McDonald’s Joel Yashinsky explains to Mashable that the new Hamburglar has “had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.” That’s played out in the accompanying commercial, which teases the idea that the Hamburglar has settled into a life of comfortable anonymity with his manicured lawn, admiring children, and fancy transistor radio, only to be lured back into lawlessness by the reminder that McDonald’s sells hamburgers.



Wait, is this who we think it is??! https://t.co/rc9xhQrAUi — McDonald’s (@McDonalds) May 6, 2015

It doesn’t seem to concern McDonald’s that this raises more questions than it answers. Who married, then procreated with the Hamburglar? What kind of life was she expecting by settling down with a man whose sole purpose is pilfering burgers—burgers that are not at all prohibitively expensive, by the way, and that any reasonable husband candidate could just pay for himself? And how has the Hamburglar nevertheless afforded his McMansion and been supporting his family all these years, given that his only applicable skill is hamburger grift?




The response from McDonald’s: Check out the Hamburglar’s new shoes!


Much like the company’s efforts to combat growing consumer interest in healthier, more locally sourced food options by giving Ronald McDonald a new jacket, the new Hamburglar has arrived accompanied by his own social media campaign. Tweet at him using the hashtag #RobbleRobble, that meaningless catchphrase that has never been more appropriately applied than here, as a branding buzzword for a sexy Hamburglar.



In related news, McDonald’s turnaround plan still doesn’t include any significant changes to their food, as the chain remains committed to hamburger crime.