I have been waiting tables for about 3 years or so give or take. If you are a waiter, most of this stuff will nothing new to you, but if you don’t I just want to give you a little insight about what goes on & how terrible of a person you really are when you eat out (heh.)

Tipping

Going out to eat at a place that has waiters is already a kind of a weird predicament because of one thing; tipping. I’m not going to use this post to argue about the pros/cons of tipping. I’ll just make a few points.

Tipping is s basically a legal way of letting a restaurant say “we don’t want to pay our employees. You do it.” It puts this weird pressure on both server/diner to like each other because I feel like my pay is directly correlated with how much you like me and you feel like my level of thinking you’re a dick is correlated with how much I like you when in reality you already know what you’re going to tip and I already think you’re a dick. People don’t know how to tip. Straight up. $2 is not a “cover all” tip, but it might as well be. $2 tip on a $10 bill? Sure! $2 tip on a $30 bill? Die in a fire.

4. Lastly, I honestly think tipping is a dumb process. Get rid of it. Pay me a living wage to wait tables. Something like $10 an hour. Think that’s too much? Talk to me when you have a grown man send his burger back to the kitchen because “it wasn’t cut in half” and he has a knife included in his silverware or a girl complains that her ranch ISN’T “RANCHY” ENOUGH. $10 is a steal. You’re lucky I don’t murder you & steal your wallet.

Nicknames

Nicknames are part of the gig. It’s unavoidable. Sure, I’ll tell you my name at the beginning of this whole dumb evening, but you’ll forget it the second it leaves my mouth because you saw that it was all day happy hour & the Bud Light isn’t going to drink itself is it? There are the standards: bud, buddy, pal, chief. I have one out of all of these that I cannot stand, and therefore, it is what I’m called the most. That nickname is “boss.” Let’s get one thing straight. I am 25 years old. I am waiting tables, despite the fact that I have an actual degree from a 4 year university. I AM NOT YOUR BOSS. It’s the worst when it’s a guy (it’s always a guy) at a table that’s not even mine. I’m not even in charge of your part of the restaurant, guy. I’m barely able to put this dumb server’s apron on correctly. I’m not your boss.

As much as it sucks being called boss, girls have it INFINITELY worse. The amount of times I’ve heard the words “sweetheart” or “darlin” is enough to make any Men’s Rights Activist hard. Fun fact: it’s always one of these guys:

Another fun fact: every time you call a girl “darlin'” a puppy fight club forms & they mercilessly beat the puppy shit out of each other. The girl you are calling “darlin'” has been dealing with other people’s stupid requests all day & if you work where I work, she’s probably gay. (It’s a numbers game, I’m just reporting the data.) She wants your wrinkled body close to her about the same amount as I do &honestly probably even less because I have a pretty open mind & could use a sugar daddy because I wait tables.

Conversations/Happenings

Honestly the best part of working as a server is the stuff you get to overhear & the things that just happen to you. I’m going to end this one with some of my favorites. These all 100% happened.

I call this one “Do the Dew.”

Me: what can I get you guys to drink?

Girl : Sweet Tea please. Guy: give me a mountain dew. me: oh sorry man. We actually have Coke products. Guy: Y’all don’t have Mountain – fuckin’ – Dew?

they left.

“diabetes”

Guy 1: Hey dude. Girl I’m sleeping with just told me she has diabetes. Do you think I should get myself tested? Guy 2: yeah, definitely. You don’t wanna fuck with diabetes. Guy 1: okay, cool.

that was the whole conversation, by the way.

“sweetner”

girl server: Can I get you guys anything else? old dude: I could use some sweetner for my tea. girl server: sure! old dude: why don’t you just stick your finger in there. I’m sure that’ll sweeten it right up. me: *projectile vomits so hard I am literally thrown backwards*

How about she sticks her finger in your eye, jackass?

This one JUST happened a couple of days ago: “Thug Life”

Me: *cleaning near my table I’m waiting* Mom 1 (clearly talking about me): He probably still waits tables because of all of those….*whispers* tattoos. Aunt 1: Oh, absolutely. He looks like he just walked out of a jail cell.

Listen I don’t know if you’ve ever seen my tattoos, but here’s a pretty accurate representation:

and lastly: “keep the change”

Me: your total is $10 extreeeeeemly high man: keep the change, dude *slides me debit card* Me: *sees debit card is actually Ramada Inn room key* Me: close. try again. extreeeeeemely high man: oh shit, my bad. *hands me what appears to be Chuck E. Cheese Tokens*. Me: almost. 3rd time is the charm. extreeeeeemely high man: Ah damn! Here we go. *slides me an actual debit card* Keep the change.

Tip your waiter, boss.