CHARLOTTE — In a miraculous display of clutch football, the Carolina Panthers narrowly beat the N.Y. Giants 33–31 on a 63 yard field goal as time expired. Not only did this win the Panthers the game, but it also tied the record for longest NFL field goal. Graham Gano, the leg behind the kick, cited a single factor for what contributed to his incredible performance: a childhood of wicked and torturous sacrifice towards the ritual of placekicking.

“Oh yeah, it was horrible,” Gano said in his post-game interview, while staring a thousand yards past the cameras. “Every morning I was chained to a post in an open field, and forced to hit targets by kicking a football in order to unlock the shackles. Sometimes I wouldn’t hit them until the day was over, and I’d have to eat out of the garbage for supper. It was a hellscape of pure exhaustion and terror, but it made me who I am today.”

Gano played in college at Florida State and signed to the Ravens in 2009. He moved to the Panthers in 2012 and has been a consistent performer, despite his occasional bouts of PTSD.

“I seen him start kickin’ stuff when we out in public, like not even on the field,” one teammate described, who asked to remain anonymous. “We were at Chili’s last Tuesday, doing the 2 for $20, and Graham started running up and kicking the barstools, full follow through and everything. It was good form honestly, ‘til the cops kicked us out.”

With continuous motivation on and off the field, it’s no wonder Gano found a place in the record books.

“Sacrificing the family dog in a pyre of flame to the omniscient spirits of dead NFL kickers is something I would never take back,” Gano told the press as he started to tear up, “Because dad said that’s what winners have to do.”

Gano and the Panthers take on the Eagles in Philadelphia next Sunday.