[chime sounding] - GOOD MORNING,SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY. THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. PARENT/TEACHER CONFERENCESBEGIN NEXT THURSDAY. IF YOU HAVE NOT YET DONE SO, PLEASE TURN IN YOURPARENTS' REQUESTED TIME SHEETS BY THE ENDOF FIFTH PERIOD TODAY. LUNCH TODAY WILL BE A CHOICEOF CHICKEN TOSTADAS OR SPAGHETTI WITHA MARINARA SAUCE AND SIDE SALAD. ATTENTION, FOURTH GRADERS, THE FALL REGISTRATIONFOR GLEE CLUB STARTS TOMORROW. ANY INTERESTED STUDENTSSHOULD FILL OUT A-- [door opens, rattling] WHOA!WHAT'S GOING ON? - I'LL KILL YOU!I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU! - WHO ARE YOU? - I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA PUTA BULLET BETWEEN YOUR EYES! - HEY, HE'S GOT A GUN! - YOU LITTLE BASTARD! YOU FUCKED MY WIFE!YOU THINK I WOULDN'T FIND OUT? - SIR, PLEASE, I DON'T KNOW YOU.- YEAH, RIGHT! - ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON HERE? YOU, SIR,NEED TO LEAVE THIS AREA-- [gunshot] - OH, GOD, HE SHOT HIM! - YOU HAD TO PUSH ME,DIDN'T YOU? NOW YOU! - AAH!SIR, I TRULY DON'T KNOW-- [gunshot]AAH! AAH! - THERE! HOW DOES IT FEEL, HUH? - PLEASE, I DON'T KNOW YOU! - YOU'RE GORDON SALTSKI, RIGHT? TRUCK DRIVER FROM CHICAGO? - NO, I'M GORDON STOLTSKI, THIRD GRADER WHO READSTHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS! - YEAH, RIGHT.WE'LL SEE IF THAT'S TRUE. GO ON, READTHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS! - SOMEBODY HELP ME! - I SAID DO IT! - AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! [screaming in pain]ANY--ANY INTERESTED STUDENTS SHOULD FILL OUTAN APPLICANT SURVEY-- [slap]AAH! AAH! - I KNEW YOU WERE LYING! THAT WAS TERRIBLE! NOW PUT YOUR MOUTHOVER THE BARREL OF THIS GUN. - NO, PLEASE.I'M SO SCARED. I'M SO SCARED.- DO IT! - PLEASE! I-I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY!HERE, HERE, SEE? [muffled]I GOT MY MOUTH ON THE-- [gunshot] - LOOK AT YOU NOW. WE'RE ALL DEAD. [gunshot]

THE ANNOUNCEMENTSEVERY MORNING, LED US IN THE PLEDGEOF ALLEGIANCE, MM-KAY, AND TOUCHED MANY KIDS' LIVESHERE AT THE SCHOOL. AND EVEN THOUGH WE NOW KNOW THATTHE SHOOTER HAD HIM CONFUSED WITH A 40-YEAR-OLD TRUCK DRIVER WHO HAPPENED TO HAVEA SIMILAR NAME, I KNOW THIS HAS BEENPRETTY TRAUMATIZING, MM-KAY? BUT NOW WE MUST DECIDEWHO WILL PICK UP WHERE LITTLE GORDON LEFT OFF? WHO WILL TAKE HIS PLACE READINGTHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS? IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY, BECAUSE IT WILL BE YOUR VOICE THE ENTIRE SCHOOLLISTENS TO, MM-KAY? AND ALTHOUGH GORDON STOLTSKICAN NEVER BE REPLACED, MM-KAY, THERE MUST BEA STUDENT OUT THERE WHO HAS THE DRIVEAND THE PASSION TO HAVE HIS OR HER VOICE HEARDEVERY MORNING. - OH, MY GOD. SO YOU'RE, UH, TRYING OUT TO BE THE MORNING-ANNOUNCEMENTPERSON AS WELL? - YEAH. I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLYF-F-F-FUN AND R-R-R-RAISEMY SELF-ES-ES-ES-ESTEEM. - OH, THIS IS IT, HUH? OKAY, UH, MIKE, WHY DON'T WEHAVE YOU TRY OUT FIRST? - [laughs]HE STUTTERS LIKE A BITCH. I'VE GOT THIS JOB IN THE BAG. WHO ARE YOU? [a la Casey Kasem]- MY NAME IS CASEY MILLER, AND I'M IN THE THIRD GRADE. EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME I SHOULDREAD THE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. MY FRIENDS ALWAYS SAID TO ME, "DEAR CASEY, YOUR VOICEIS LIKE BUTTER TO OUR EARS. "COULD YOU PLEASE FIND A WAYTO GET THAT AUDIBLE CHOCOLATE ON THE AIRWAVES?" WELL, HERE I AM. AND HOPEFULLY I'LL BE THE KIDWITH THE JOB. - MM-KAY, REALLY NICE, MIKE. UH, MAYBE NEXT TIME,YOU CAN GET PAST THE FIRST WORD. OH, CASEY MILLER, GOOD. YOU'RE TRYING OUT TOO? - I'M TRYING OUTAND DRYING OUT IN THE SULTRY SUMMER SUNTHAT IS MY VOICE. - MM-KAY, ERIC,YOU WANT TO GO NEXT? MM-KAY, ERIC,I'M JUST GONNA HAVE YOU READ THIS PIECE OF PAPER. - MR. MACKEY,WHAT'S A MORONIC JIZZ RAG? - WHAT? WHAT ON EARTHARE YOU ASKING ME THAT FOR? - WELL, IT'S JUST THAT... THAT'S WHAT THAT CASEY KID SAIDABOUT YOUR HAIRPIECE. - GET LOST,YOU LITTLE DIRT BALL! - EXCUSE ME? - I SAID TAKE A HIKE! - I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT I DID WRONG. - BEAT IT!YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE JOB!

[chime sounding] - GOOD MORNING,SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY. THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS, AND I AM ERIC CARTMAN. ALL FORMSFOR THE SCHOOL BOOK DRIVE MUST BE HANDED INTO MR. DAVIS IN THE LIBRARY BY THE ENDOF THE SCHOOL DAY TODAY. DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THEY GAVE USA LOT OF NOTICE ON THAT, OKAY. OH, WELL. FOR LUNCH TODAY, THE CAFETERIA WILL BE SERVINGA SELECTION OF COLD SANDWICHES. COLD SANDWICHES-- OH, WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH. REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO BESERVED HOT FOOD? I MEAN, WHAT HAS HAPPENEDTO OUR SCHOOL? THIS SCHOOL IS TRANSFORMINGINTO SOMETHING VERY BAD AND WHY? BECAUSE WE HAVE LEADERSHIPTHAT DOESN'T CARE. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUTOUR STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT, WENDY TESTABURGER. EVER SINCE WENDY WAS ELECTEDSTUDENT BODY PRESIDENT, THIS SCHOOLHAS STARTED A RAPID DECLINE TOWARDS SOME SOCIALIST REGIME WHERE STUDENTSNO LONGER HAVE A VOICE. THE MUSIC ROOM WILL BE CLOSEDOFF TODAY DUE TO PAINTING. ALL STUDENTS IN BAND OR CHOIR WILL MEETIN THE GYMNASIUM INSTEAD. OH, OH, SO NOW-- SO NOW THE SCHOOL IS USING MONEYTO PAINT THE MUSIC ROOM. HOW OLD AND OUTDATEDIS OUR PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT? WHAT OTHER SCHOOL HAS A 15-YEAR-OLDMERRY-GO-ROUND ON IT? OUR SCHOOL PRESIDENTIS TURNING THIS WHOLE PLACE INTO COMMUNIST RUSSIA. IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCETHAT ONCE WENDY TOOK OFFICE, THIS SCHOOL STARTED COMING APARTAT THE SEAMS. YOUR TEACHERSDON'T WANT TO TELL YOU, BUT THEY ARE SCARED,AND THEY SHOULD BE, BECAUSE THE VERY FABRICOF THIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IS TEARING FROM ALL CORNERS. - OH, JEEZ! - BUT, HEY, I'M JUSTA NORMAL KID LIKE YOU, EXCEPT THAT I ASK QUESTIONS. AND BECAUSE I'M BRAVE ENOUGHTO ASK QUESTIONS, I COME UNDER SCRUTINIES. IS WENDY USING YOUR LUNCH MONEYTO BUY HEROIN? PROBABLY NOT.BUT HOW CAN WE KNOW? I DON'T WANT MY LUNCH MONEYGOING TO DRUGS. WHO'S TAKING THESE DRUGS?WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT? I'M ASKING QUESTIONS. - WILL SOMEBODY SHUT HIM UP?

- THE JOB IS TO READ WHATIS WRITTEN ON THE PAPER, ERIC, NOT TO EMBELLISHTHE WAY YOU DO. - OH, I GET IT.YOU'RE TRYING TO SILENCE ME. YOU'RE SCARED THAT SOMEBODYIS STANDING UP TO THIS SCHOOL AND ITS PRESIDENT FOR ONCE! - NO, IT'S JUST THAT THEANNOUNCEMENTS NEED TO BE QUICK, SO THE STUDENTS CAN GET ONWITH THEIR WORK. - OH, REALLY? THEN HOW COME GORDON STOLTSKIGOT TO GO ON FOR, LIKE, FIVE MINUTESTHAT ONE DAY? - WELL, BECAUSEHE WAS BEING MURDERED. - YOU JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO READWHAT'S IN FRONT OF THEM LIKE A BRAINWASHED ZOMBIE,IS THAT IT, MR. MACKEY? I AM NOTGORDON STOLTSKI, OKAY? I'M NOT SOME DOG ON A LEASH THAT JUST BLINDLY SAYSWHAT HE'S TOLD UNTIL HE'S KILLED. - ALL WE ASKIS YOU KEEP IT SHORTER. - OH, I WILL. AND MAYBE I'LL ALSO HAVE A WORDWITH THE A.C.L.U., TELL THEM THAT A STUDENTIS BEING TOLD NOT TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST HIS SCHOOL. I'M SURE THEY'LL FIND THATVERY INTERESTING. [chime sounding] [clears throat] WELL... GOOD MORNING,SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY. THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. TRYOUTS FOR THE SOCCER TEAMARE FRIDAY AFTERNOON, THAT IS, OF COURSE,IF OUR STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT DOES SOMETHINGABOUT OUR ABYSMAL SOCCER FIELD. I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT DOES WENDY TESTABURGERACTUALLY DO? SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BETHE PRESIDENT, RIGHT? WHAT IS HER AGENDA?SHE'S LYING TO EVERYONE. OR IS SHE?LET'S ASK THESE QUESTIONS. TODAY I WANT TO TALK BRIEFLY ABOUT THE STATEOF OUR SCHOOL'S ECONOMY. THE BAKE SALE LAST WEEKWAS A COMPLETE FAILURE. AND BESIDES THAT, WHO ACTUALLYVOTED FOR WENDY TESTABURGER? I KNOW I DIDN'T. AND EVERYONE WHO DIDIS NOW SCRATCHING THEIR HEADS AND GOING, "WHOOPS, GUESSI SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT." I'M NOTIN THE STUDENT COUNCIL. I'M JUST A NORMAL KIDLIKE ALL OF YOU. AND LIKE ALL OF YOU,I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENEDTO MY SCHOOL. all: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCETO THE FLAG... - OF THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA-- OUR UNITED STATES, NOT THE ONEWENDY TESTABURGER WOULD HAVE-- A SOCIALIST DUNG HOLE. all:A SOCIALIST DUNG HOLE...

- GOOD MORNING, STUDENTS. THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. IF YOU WILL DIRECTYOUR ATTENTION TO THE NEW VIDEO MONITORSAT THE HEAD OF YOUR CLASS, YOU WILL SEETHAT THE ANNOUNCEMENTS ARE NOW BEING DONE IN VIDEO. - OH, GOD.NO! [upbeat rock music] ♪ - LUNCH TODAYIS GOING TO BE PIZZA... AGAIN. [sighs] FRIENDS, OUR SCHOOLIS DYING, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU FEEL IT. YOU'RE LIKE--YOU'RE LIKE ME.YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT. BUT, OH, NO, WENDY TESTABURGER'SNOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN. THIS IS NOT THE SCHOOLWE GREW UP IN, AND... AND I DON'T KNOWIF WE CAN GET IT BACK. SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT EXACTLYWHAT OUR SCHOOL PRESIDENT WANTS. YOU KNOW,WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO ACHIEVE? LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOKAT THESE KEY WORDS HERE. WENDY HAS MADE IT CLEARTHAT SHE WANTS OUR SCHOOL TO BE A MORE INTEGRATED,LEFTIST, AND LIBERAL PLACE. BUT YOU SEE WHEN THAT HAPPENS,WHAT WE GET IS A SOCIALIST, MODERN, UTOPIAN,REFORMED FARCE OF A SCHOOL. SO WHEN YOU LOOK CLOSELY, IT BECOMES VERY OBVIOUSWHAT WENDY WANTS. K-I-L-L S-M-U-R-F-S. OUR SCHOOL PRESIDENTWANTS TO KILL SMURFS. - NO! - I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE TURNINGINTO A SMURF-HATING SCHOOL OR WHAT WE'RE TURNING INTO. BUT UNLESS YOU ASK WHY, WE'RE GONNA TRANSFORMINTO SOMETHING. - HEY, WENDY.WENDY! IS IT TRUE? - IS WHAT TRUE? - THAT YOU HATE SMURFS. - I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. - HEY, NOW, ME AND US FELLERSARE JUST ASKING QUESTIONS! all: YEAH!- YEAH, WE CAN ASK. - TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS-- ALL I DO IS TRY TO HELP RUNSTUDENT COUNCIL. I DON'T GIVE A CRAPABOUT SMURFS! - [gasps]IT IS TRUE. - OH, MY GOD!- SHE ADMITTED IT! - OH, MY GOD. - MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD CHECK INTO WHAT STUDENT COUNCILACTUALLY DOES BEFORE YOU JUST BLINDLY LISTEN TO WHAT SOME IDIOTWITH A MICROPHONE TELLS YOU! - WHAT DID THE SMURFSEVER DO TO YOU, YOU BITCH? I JUST CALLEDTHE PRESIDENT A BITCH. - YEAH.- THAT WAS COOL. - AWESOME.- YEAH, GREAT JOB.

[school bell rings] [inspirational music] ♪ - THANK YOU, AND THIS IS TO...- DOUGLAS. - "TO DOUGLAS."THERE YOU GO. BOOK SIGNING TODAY, EVERYONE.BE SURE TO PICK UP YOUR COPY. - HEY, ERIC!- WELL, HELLO. ANOTHER PERSON WHO CARESABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR SCHOOL! - OH, YOU BET. I LOVE ALL THE STUFF YOU SAID ABOUT HOW OUR SCHOOL PRESIDENTNEVER DOES ANYTHING AND HOW SHE'S CHANGINGEVERYTHING. - YES, WELL, NOW YOU CAN READ ABOUT ALL THESE THINGSI'VE SAID, BUTTERS. TAKE THIS COPY OF MY BOOK. - COOL, THANKS. - THAT'LL BE $5. - OH, OKAY. - WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINKYOU'RE DOING? - A BOOK SIGNING. - I LOOKEDTHROUGH YOUR STUPID BOOK. IT'S 540 PAGES OF RIPPINGON WENDY AND CALLING HER A SLUT! - I DO NOT DIRECTLY SAYSHE'S A SLUT. - "WENDY TESTABURGERHAS PROVEN TIME AND TIME AGAIN "THAT SHE WILL DO ANYTHINGTO PLEASURE HER VAGINA. "WHETHER IT IS THE SCHOOLFOOTBALL TEAM "OR THE JANITORSON THEIR BREAK, "WENDY SPENDS HER TIMEAS PRESIDENT ON HER KNEES OR ON HER BACK TAKING THE OL'IN-OUT FOR HOURS ON END." - YOU DIDN'T READTHE REST, DUDE. - "OR DOES SHE?"- "OR DOES SHE?" SEE, THAT'S A QUESTION.I'M ASKING QUESTIONS, STAN! I'VE CALLED FOR WENDY TO COMEON MY SHOW AND DEFEND HERSELF, BUT SHE WON'T DO IT. - YEAH, AND SHE HATES SMURFS!

"IS A GIRL WHO WOULD RATHER GETHER TITS LICKED THAN GOTO STUDENT COUNCIL MEETINGS?" - WHOA.- YEAH, JEEZ. - HEY, HEY!STOP READING THAT! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - LISTEN, JUST BECAUSEA GUY'S VOICE IS ON THE INTERCOM AND HIS WORDS ARE IN A BOOK DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS ANY IDEAWHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. - YES, IT DOES. - ERIC CARTMANIS SIMPLY MAKING IT SO THAT ALL KIDSTAKE RESPONSIBILITY TO QUESTIONTHEIR SCHOOL LEADERS. WE SHOULD ALL ASKIF OUR PRESIDENT IS A PENIS-HUNGRY HOOKERWITH A HUGE VAGINA. I'M CASEY MILLER. - WENDY, DID YOU SEE THE STUFFCARTMAN IS SAYING ABOUT YOU NOW? - I REALLY DON'T CARE, STAN. - WELL, DON'T YOU THINKYOU SHOULD GO ON HIS SHOW AND DEFEND YOURSELF? EVERYONE'S STARTING TO THINKYOU'RE A CRAPPY PRESIDENT. - I'M NOT GIVING ERIC FARTMAN ONE MINUTE OF MY TIME,YOU GOT THAT? I'M NOT ACKNOWLEDGINGHIS STUPID QUESTIONS. IF YOU WANT HIM DEALT WITH,YOU'LL HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF! - YOU WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN,PRINCIPAL VICTORIA? - ERIC, WE'VE BEEN INFORMEDBY A CONCERNED STUDENT THAT YOUARE WRITING NAUGHTY BOOKS ABOUT ONE OF THE GIRLSHERE AT THE SCHOOL. - OH, WENDY CAMEAND TOLD ON ME? SO WHAT,BECAUSE SHE'S PRESIDENT, SHE CAN'T BE WRITTEN ABOUT? - ERIC, APPARENTLY YOU WROTE THAT WENDY'S PRIVATE PARTS ARE BIG ENOUGH TO FLYAN AIRPLANE THROUGH, MM-KAY. - AND WHAT IF THEY ARE? YOU'LL STOP ME FROM ASKING JUSTBECAUSE WENDY FORCES YOU TO? - ERIC,THE STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT REALLY DOESN'T HAVETHE KIND OF POWER THAT YOU-- - JUST ENOUGH POWER TO FORCE YOUTO STOP ME FROM SELLING MY BOOK. FACE IT,YOU'RE A LACKEY, MACKEY. - ERIC, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! YOU CANNOT, AND YOU WILL NOT, SELL YOUR BOOKSON SCHOOL GROUNDS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? - CLEAR AS SUMMER RAIN. CLEAR AS A FLAVORLESS BOTTLEOF VITAMIN WATER. THIS SCHOOLHAS FINALLY TRANSFORMED INTO THE SOCIALIST WHORE LANDWHERE A STUDENT ISN'T FREE. WELL, I'M NOT GONNA BEA PART OF IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I'M LEAVING THIS HYPOCRITICAL,COMMUNIST SCHOOL! I'M WALKING OUT,AND I'M NEVER COMING BACK!

[inspirational music] - LIVE FROMTHE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. HERE IS ERIC CARTMAN. - YESTERDAY,AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I WALKED OUT ON THIS PROGRAMAND ON OUR SCHOOL. I WAS SO FED UP WITHOUR PRESIDENT'S HYPOCRISIES-- ME NOT BEING ALLOWEDTO SELL MY BOOK. I WANTED TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE MY VALUESWERE STILL UPHELD. AND SO I DECIDEDTO LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND AND INSTEAD GO AND LIVEWITH THE SMURFS. I SIMPLY OBSERVEDTHE GENTLE SMURFS AT FIRST. I WANTED TO UNDERSTANDHOW THEY COULD LIVE SUCH SIMPLE AND DECENT LIVES. THEY WERE WARY OF MEAT THE BEGINNING, BUT SLOWLY,I BEGAN TO EARN THEIR TRUST. IT WASN'T LONGBEFORE THE GENTLE SMURFS ACCEPTED MEAS ONE OF THEIR OWN. - WHOA. - THE SMURFS AND I GREWTO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. THEY SHARED WITH ME THEIR ARTOF PICKING SMURF BERRIES. AND I SHARED WITH THEM STORIESOF MY COUNTRY'S FOREFATHERS. OF COURSE,IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE I FELL IN LOVEWITH SMURFETTE. WE'RE FROMTWO DIFFERENT WORLDS, AND YET WE SPOKETHE COMMON LANGUAGE OF PASSION. - THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS? - SHH! - PAPA SMURFWAS DISPLEASED AT FIRST. HE TOLD SMURFETTEI WASN'T A REAL SMURF, AND WE COULD NEVER BE HAPPY. BUT I EVENTUALLY PROVED MYSELFTO PAPA SMURF BY PICKING MORE SMURF BERRIES THAN ANY SMURFHAD EVER SMURFED BEFORE. FINALLY,ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. BUT THEN...A CRISIS. CLUMSY SMURF BURSTINTO THE SMURF CEREMONY TO SAY THAT HUMANS HAD COMETO DESTROY ALL OF SMURFLAND. NO! NO, YOU MUST LEAVETHE NOBLE SMURFS ALONE! WHO'S BEHIND ALL THIS? [gasps]I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. WENDY! - OUT OF MY WAY! - WENDY,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - SMURF BERRIESARE WORTH A LOT OF MONEY. WITH ALL THOSE SMURF BERRIES, I CAN POWER THE SCHOOLFOR THE ENTIRE YEAR! - WENDY, I KNOW YOU'RE PRESIDENTOF OUR SCHOOL, BUT YOU CAN'T JUST DIG UPTHE SMURF'S LAND! - FUCK THE SMURFS! THEY CAN SUCK MY FAT TITS. - HOW MANY SMURF BERRIESIS ENOUGH, WENDY? - YOU CAN SUCKMY FAT TITS TOO. [all screaming] - SMURFETTE, NO! - SUCK MY FAT TITS! - [crying softly, sniffles] AND SO NOW OUR SCHOOLHAS PLENTY OF PRECIOUS, UNOBTAINABLE SMURF BERRIES. YEAH, WELL, BIG DEAL. AT WHAT COST DIDOUR SCHOOL PRESIDENT GET IT? EVERY SMURF IS DEAD, WIPED OUT, AND WE WILLNEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. GO ON, LOOK OUTSIDE.YOU WON'T SEE ANY SMURFS. - [crying] - OF COURSE,SINCE I'M BEING SILENCED, I'M NOT ALLOWED TIMETO SHOW YOU THE ENTIRE MOVIE. AND SO PLEASE BUY DANCES WITH SMURFS, AVAILABLE NOW ON DVD. THE QUESTION NOW IS,WHAT HAPPENED TO MORALS? WHAT HAPPENED TO DIGNITY? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SCHOOL?

OUR STUDENT COUNCIL IS CORRUPTAND HAS TO BE DEALT WITH! - I CAN NO LONGERSTAND IDLY BY. - WE NEED TO GET ALL THE KIDSTOGETHER WHO WANT TO FIGHT BACK AND TELL THEMTO MEET AFTER SCHOOL! WE WILL FOREVER REMEMBERTHIS DAY-- THE DAY WE FINALLY STOOD UPTO WENDY TESTABURGER! - IT IS TIME FOR THAT SLUTTY,SMURF-KILLING BITCH TO GET WHAT'S COMING TO HER. all: YEAH!

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL OF YOU,BUT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! WE'VE BEEN SITTING BACK AND WATCHING AS OUR SCHOOLSLOWLY GOES INTO THE TOILET! BUT TODAY WE DO SOMETHINGABOUT IT! all: YEAH! - SO LET'S MARCH RIGHTOVER THERE TO WENDY'S HOUSE AND DO WHAT WE KNOWNEEDS TO BE DONE! [all cheering] - LET US NOT FORGETWHAT HAPPENS THIS DAY! - DO IT. - WE ARE HERE,WENDY TESTABURGER! [zipper opens] - TAKE THAT,SCHOOL PRESIDENT! - GET HER GOOD! - I AM. - HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - THE STUDENTS WANT ANSWERS! GO ON THE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTSIF YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE! - WHAT THE HELL? - WAH! [children chattering loudly] SMURF KILLER! - ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMESON THE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS! - WENDY, DID A BOYJUST PEE ON OUR DOOR BECAUSE THE SMURFSWERE MURDERED? - IT'S OKAY, DAD. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FINALLYCOMING ON MY SHOW, WENDY.

- PEOPLE ARE RILED UP. HOPEFULLY WE CAN CLEARTHE AIR HERE THIS MORNING. - IF WE COULD JUST KEEP IT TOQUESTIONS ABOUT STUDENT COUNCIL? - OF COURSE.THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE. - FIVE SECONDS. - DON'T WORRY.I WON'T GO TOO HARD ON YOU. [chime sounding] GOOD MORNING,SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY. THESE ARETHE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. REHEARSALS FOR THE SCHOOL PLAYARE CANCELED THIS AFTERNOON. FOR THE LUNCH,THE CAFETERIA WILL BE SERVINGMEAT LOAF OR VEGGIE PASTA. MY GUEST TODAYIS THE STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT OF SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY,WENDY TESTABURGER. WENDY, THANK YOUFOR COMING ON THE SHOW. - SURE. - WENDY, I WANT TO START BY ASKING A PRETTYSTRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTION, AND I HOPEYOU DON'T TAKE OFFENSE TO IT. - OKAY.- HOW MANY SMURF BERRIES IS THE LIFEOF EACH SMURF WORTH? - I DON'T--I--I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT-- - YOU DON'T KNOWHOW MANY SMURF BERRIES THE LIFEOF EACH SMURF IS WORTH. - OH, HE'S GOT HER NOW! - WOULD YOU AGREE THAT THESCHOOL IS IN A CRISIS RIGHT NOW? - I BELIEVETHERE IS A FEW THINGS WRONG WITH THE SCHOOL, BUT-- - IF A SMURF DIES AND NO ONE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT,DOES IT STILL SCREAM? - SHE'S SPEECHLESS! - YOU ARE THE PRESIDENTOF THE SCHOOL. CAN YOU SEEWHY MANY STUDENTS THINK YOU'RE AN INEFFECTIVE SLUT? ARE YOU DENYING THAT THE SMURFHOLOCAUST EVER HAPPENED? IS THAT WHATYOU'RE SUGGESTING? - LOOK, ERIC. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THE SMURF BERRIES WERE OURSCHOOL GOVERNMENT'S ONLY OPTION! - YES, AND THAT MAKES--WAIT, WHOA, WHAT? - WHAT WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO? THE SCHOOLWAS RUNNING OUT OF POWER! WE TRIED RELOCATINGTHE SMURFS AT FIRST, BUT THEY WOULDN'T BUDGE. SO WE DECIDED TO GET SOMEBODYON THE INSIDE-- A MEMBER OF THE SCHOOL WHOCOULD ACT LIKE ONE OF THE SMURFS AND LEARN THEIR SECRETS. BUT OF COURSE,YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU? - WHAT--WHAT DO YOU MEANI KNOW THAT? - I'M JUST ASKING THE QUESTION. WE ALL KNEW YOU WERE SENT INTO LIVE WITH THE SMURFS, BUT DID YOU KNOWTHEY WOULD BE WIPED OUT? - NO, YOU WIPED THEM ALL OUT! - NOBODY EXPECTED YOUTO FALL IN LOVE WITH SMURFETTE. YOU WENT TO LEARN FROM THEM, BUT INSTEAD YOU BECAMEONE OF THEM, RIGHT? FOUGHT AGAINST YOUR OWN KIND, WHEN YOU KNEWWE'D STOP AT NOTHING. DO YOU KNOWTHAT ONE SMURF BERRY CAN POWER THE SCHOOLFOR TWO MONTHS? ONE SMURF BERRY! - WAIT, HOLD ON.CAN WE TAKE A BREAK? - NO, IT'S OKAY.IT'S ALL OUT IN THE OPEN NOW. I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO KILLTHE SMURFS IF THEYWOULD'VE SIMPLY MOVED ON, BUT YOU GAVE THEMTHE WILL TO STAY. AND I GUESSYOU CAN'T BE BLAMED FOR THAT. - WHAT? - AND THAT IS WHY... I AM STEPPING DOWN. YOU WERE RIGHTALL ALONG, CARTMAN. AND I AM HEREBY MAKING YOUTHE STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT. - ALL RIGHT!CARTMAN'S PRESIDENT! WE DID IT. - I'M CONFUSED. - DUDE, YOU CAN'T TAKEMY DANCES WITH SMURFS IDEA AND TURN IT INTO YOUR OWN THING.- NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. THE STUDENTSALL DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH. AND SO I HAVE ANSWEREDWHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN MY NEW BOOK-- GOING ROGUE ON THE SMURFS. - NO, NO, DUDE. YOU DON'TJUST TAKE ONE PERSON'S STORY AND THEN ADD A COUPLE THINGSAND CALL IT YOURS! - LUCKILY,WITH THE MONEY I MADE SELLING THE MOVIE RIGHTSTO MY BOOK, I'LL BE OKAY. - YOU SOLD THE MOVIE RIGHTS?TO WHO? - JAMES CAMERON. GO LOOK.THE MOVIE CAME OUT ALREADY. - THEY CAN'T DO THAT!I'M STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT!