New York, NY—

In a second interview with 60 Minutes, Stephen Bannon—the just relieved adviser to President Donald Trump—told Charlie Rose that the election of his former boss Donald Trump was “the biggest mistake in modern political history.”

The comment is especially noteworthy as Bannon intrigued much of the political world earlier this week after telling Mr. Rose in their first 60 Minutes interview that the firing of FBI Director James Comey was the biggest mistake in modern political history.

“Since leaving the White House and exiting that pressure cooker of an insular, out-of-touch bubble that is the Trump Administration, I have had an epiphany of the damage I have caused to this great country, and I cannot apologize enough to America,” Bannon said in a remarkably lucid monologue. “I regret gravely that I have taken a cleaver to the timeless Atlantic bond to our allied liberal democracies in Europe; I regret that I have divided Americans and inflamed racial prejudices; and I regret most of all that I have jeopardized America’s value as a land of opportunity and melting pot of diversity and nationalistic multiculturalism. To prove my regret, I will henceforth direct my media infrastructure toward fostering a grassroots political movement to protect President Obama’s Dreamer protections for proud, future American citizens. I apologize with my whole heart for the pain and anxiety my recent political efforts have caused millions of Americans, and I realize now that the faux-populism I inspired at the helm of the Donald Trump presidential campaign was neither insightful nor constructive for the end goal and responsibility we as Americans all share of dismantling our nation’s societal inequalities and biases. For lack of a better phrase, I have become awakened, and can now be considered a ‘woke’ warrior for social justice. Because of this epiphany, I am aware fully that the true enemy of social justice as well as individualistic freedom is not globalism, cosmopolitism, and liberalism, or any of the other various scapegoats I have savagely attacked these many years with bitchy Breitbart editorials. No, the real obstacle to a free and prosperous civilization is, in fact, cultural homogeny, and I cannot condemn enough my contemporary personal career of vitriolic opposition to progressive liberalism. With this is mind, I recognize completely that leaving the White House was the best thing to happen to me because it stopped me from hacking even further down my current path of moral terrorism. I cannot apologize to America enough for unleashing this monster of an entirely inappropriate president—and I hope my future work of mitigating the destruction this man-child causes functions as merely a modicum of penance to the citizens of this country whom I have offended, threatened, and assaulted.”

Jk, everyone. Bannon didn’t say this.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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