Follow Erik Voigt ( 1 Followers )

Recently I came across an Internet meme that caught my attention. The meme was a picture of a bench on a hillside overlooking the ocean, and it asked “If you could sit on this bench and chat for an hour with anyone from the past or the present, who would it be?”

I have seen these memes many times before, and the actual wording is sometimes different but they basically are pretty similar. When you read through the responses, most of the comments are about family members or famous people who have passed. I know this is the intent of these memes, but to me it has an entirely different meaning and I always search through the comments to see if anyone has the same thought as me—unfortunately, I never find them.

Here is what I’d wish for: To have a conversation with my autistic, nonverbal daughter.

My daughter is nine years old, and the most I get out of her for conversation is a vocabulary of about twelve words. I would give anything to sit on that bench for an hour and have a conversation with my daughter. It would mean the world to me.

I know the general public probably never thinks about nonverbal people when they see these memes come across their desktop, tablet, or phone, but I would think that someone would have mentioned their nonverbal family member—still I never ever see it. This circumstance really points out that we have still not come far enough when it comes to educating the general public on autism. The thing that bothers me more than that is the fact that more family members of the nonverbal do not use these memes to point out that there are people out there in the world who cannot speak, and they have a voice that needs to be heard.

Every time I see one of these memes, I comment about my daughter and then I wait to see if there are any replies. And often, other than my family or friends, there are none. I do understand that my circumstance is not what these memes are meant for, and I do not want to take away from people who have lost loved ones who they wish they could talk to, but I just can’t get over the fact that there are no responses from the nonverbal community.

It seems like the general public has the misconception that autistic children who are nonverbal do not have the capacity to understand their surroundings; therefore, even if they could speak they would have nothing to say. As many of us know, these children do have the capacity to understand their surroundings and they are also in some cases very intelligent as well.

Nonverbal children are in most cases very frustrated by the fact that they have no means of expressing themselves; therefore, they act out and tantrum. This is why, starting at a very young age, it is important to start these children on sign language, PECS, and ABA treatments. These days we can also make use of smart phones and tablets with speech therapy software to assist them in learning how to speak, or at the very least have the ability to communicate with the outside world.

I can tell you from personal experience that once my daughter started getting ABA and learning sign language and PECS, her frustrations and tantrums slowly started to subside. We did use meds to take the edge off, and she still does take them, but she has dropped the dosage on all and we have eliminated a few altogether. What my wife and I started to realize is that our daughter could understand far more than we gave her credit for, and she had the ability to make choices all on her own. We used to pick things for her that we thought she we would like, and she would just have to accept it because she could not tell us she wanted something else. Just her being able to sign “yes,” “no,” “different,” and “more” opened our eyes to what her inner thoughts were, but when we went to PECS and she could choose things from pictures it was apparent we were not giving her what she wanted. Add to this being able to use a tablet or choose the show she wants to watch on Netflix really proves my daughter is both smarter and more aware of her world than we could have ever imagined. We also take our daughter shopping and she picks out foods and toys she wants by pointing and signing, whereas before she again would just go with what we picked out for her. Some days I am amazed by how far she has come.

My wife and I have had discussions about the guilt we feel, because we were holding our daughter back for a long time. I will tell you we do not beat each other up, because we did not know any better, but we always ask ourselves if we should have. Trust me, we are both extremely happy that our daughter is making progress and is expanding her knowledge of the world; we just wonder if we had acted sooner maybe she would be further along than she is.

I am relatively certain that my daughter was not able to move forward when she was younger, because her aggression and behaviors were so bad; but to be honest I am not completely sure. I am so happy right now that my daughter is making huge strides in her life, and even with limited communication she is able to recognize real-world situations and enjoys her life.

At this point, my daughter is a happy, healthy little girl who is almost always smiling. Not to brag, but my daughter is a real favorite at her school, and teachers love working with her. We consistently get requests for permission for respite by her teachers so they can take her out on special trips on their free time. I cannot express how happy this makes my wife and me, because it shows us how special our daughter is. Now, my wife and I have tried to instill emotional attachments to our daughter from an early age, so she does let people hug and kiss her—well to a point that is. When I go to pick my daughter up at school I see how after she sees me she starts jumping up and down and giggles with excitement. When I ask her to give daddy love, and she comes in and dips her head to me so I can give her a kiss it just melts me.

So to get back to that bench overlooking the ocean and the question as to whom I would like to site with and talk to for an hour, yes, it would by my daughter. I would ask my daughter if she is happy and if she feels safe. I would simply ask her how her day went and what she would like to do. I would ask her if she loves her mommy and daddy, and if she feels betrayed because we send her to school and she does not live at home. These are the questions that go through my mind, and the things that keep me up at night. I know my daughter is safe and she has fun, and I know she knows she is loved, but I just wish she could tell me that for herself.

[Photo credit to Erik Voigt]

Like what you read? “Heart” this story above, comment below, or consider submitting your own story!