It usually takes decades, and sometimes even centuries, to learn enough magic to be a wizard. That’s why you always see wizards running around with long white beards and robes that are way out of fashion. Even if you started learning spells the day you were born, you probably wouldn’t be worth a crude until you’re at least old to say stuff like “If we get to the buffet by five we’ll be home in time to take a nap before Porkpie and Mort come over the wireless! Won’t that be swell?”

But this one time there was a baby who knew all the best high level spells as soon as he got born. He even came out of his mom’s belly with a pointy hat already on top of his head (which actually helped out a lot with the birth).

The first thing Baby Wizard did after he got born was to cast heal on his mom’s privates so that they went right back to normal. That made everyone in the hospital breath a sigh of relief because they knew right away he would be a good wizard and not an evil one. He was pretty much the easiest baby ever to raise. Whenever he got cranky he just cast sleep on himself and took a nap. He also created a small dimensional portal in his diapers so all his pees and poops went to another world. He even made sure it was a world where they actually loved that stuff and used it as both food and to build their houses. It was a pretty gross place I guess, but everyone was happy so there’s no reason to judge them and act like you’re better than they are.

When Baby Wizard was three years old he told his mom and dad it was time for him to set out on his own.

“Oh no!” they said “but you’re so young and we love you so much! Please don’t go Baby Wizard”

“I’m sorry” said Baby Wizard “But I have to find a place where I can use my extraordinary powers to help people.”

Even though they cried a bunch his parents knew that BeeDubs was right. It would be greedy to keep such a special baby all to themselves. So his mom packed him a lunch (which he didn’t really need since he knew a bunch of spells to make food) and his dad gave him a hug and an old pocket watch (which definitely didn’t need) and he set out across the valley and up the hill and over the mountains, heading towards his tiny little destiny.

Kinda makes wonder whatever happened to that guy.