WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth on the tile floor as he averted his eyes from the disgustingly suggestive entryway hardware, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly against a bathroom wall for hours Thursday following an encounter with a doorknob resembling the female breast. “Come on, Mikey, snap out of it…stand up, walk over there, just pull the door open, and you’ll be free,” said the vice president, attempting to avoid making physical contact with the enticingly curvaceous door pull by wrapping his fingers in a paper towel, only to have it tear and bring his palm into contact with the offensive contours, which sent him back to the sink to repeatedly wash his hands. “Remember, it’s not a real woman. It’s just a piece of metal like any other doorknob. Just take a deep breath and don’t throw up.” At press time, Pence had collapsed when a Secret Service agent opened the door, causing the knob to jiggle suggestively.

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