New Parents Suddenly Know Everything & Have No Time For Your Crap

Jan 22, 2019

New parents Lisa and Steve brought their 1 and 4-year olds to a small house party of intimate friends.

They began their first conversation with "So, you still aren’t expecting, are you?” When they saw a friend putting salt on a salad: “Salt is really bad for you. We never let our kids eat salt, especially non-volcanic.” Or when a friend of over 20-years snapped a photo for Instagram: “What are you doing? We didn't consent to this. We approve all social media posts—there's bad people out there, Jessica.”

Later, a scene unfolded. The host had a house rule: No food on the couch. The 4-year-old began eating on the couch. “Excuse me, you can’t eat on the couch,” said the host to the child. “Why not?” said the child. “Because that’s my rule.” The child screamed “But why!” Lisa and Steve quickly scolded the source of the issue: “Actually, whenever we make a rule, we must explain why the rule exists. You need to explain why he can’t eat on the couch.”

Lisa and Steve’s narcissism, reflected now as love for their child, got magnified by self-importance, leading to much of this unsolicited "advice".

Their friends feared the worst: That they had completely and irreversibly transformed into “Mombies” and “Daddicts.” Aka, parents consumed by raising their children to the point of being sleep-deprived zombies.

Ironically, Lisa and Steve used to be quite focused on conspiracy theories. Not so long ago, their world had revolved around becoming "woke" to a complex New World Reptilian Order that rules reality. But now a much younger "simian world order" has taken command.

Last seen, a friend asked the group what everyone thought of Putin. Lisa and Steve looked at them blankly and said, with a hint of disgust, “What is that? A new brand of stroller?”