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A “deadly” virus is currently sweeping the nation, according to its male victims.

Yes, blokes with man flu say they are facing certain death... until, that is, they recover.

The seasonal outbreak is at critical levels – in other words, exactly the same as last year and the year before that, in fact ever since the dawn of time.

The National Hypochondria Service has put together a handy guide to dealing with the disease:

What are the symptoms?

Look out for SOS messages coughed in morse code, such as “I’m really ill, you know” and “Can I have a cup of tea?”

Body temperature also increases not only due to being under a duvet but because sufferers get really worked up when the kids have the cheek to wake them up at 4pm after school.

Carriers stumble around in a stained dressing gown, pants and socks and sport sticky-up hair and unshaven faces to show how ill they are.

Listen out for groans carefully orchestrated loud enough to be heard from downstairs.

When left alone, their appetite disappears; they only fancy something small when a female offers them a sausage and bacon sandwich with two fried eggs.

The same goes for consumption of Lemsip, tea, coffee, water, juice and lemonade, which they are unable to source themselves but will neck back if on tap.

However, they are able to stagger along the landing and down the stairs for a hot toddy.

How does it spread?

Scientists believe it occurs when a man hears someone sneeze or hears of someone who has heard someone sneeze.

Who is at risk?

It strikes men who have access to female sympathy, in the form of mothers, wives, girlfriends, co-workers, strangers on the bus and cashiers.

How can you reduce the chances of getting it?

If you’re a man, you can’t.

What should you do if you come into contact with man flu?

If you are male, then oh dear, you poor love, you’re going to be so bad that you might as well get into bed now and wait for it to finish you off until you’re better. There’s no point doing what the wife does, as in taking vitamins, echinacea, eating healthily and getting fresh air, because if you do then your sexuality will be called into question.

If you’re female, then fear not - you are immune thanks to what medics call your ability to Just Get On With Things. You might “have a sniffle” but it won’t stop you making every meal, ferrying the kids to and from school and clubs, going to work, washing, ironing, taking out the bins and switching all the lights off before you retire.

How do you treat a victim?

You might think a sad face and a “poor you” is the correct approach but unfortunately, this just extends the lifespan of the disease.

The only way to deal with it is to adopt a stiff matronly attitude. Attend to their needs for fluid and medication but under no circumstances pander to them because they will milk it.

It is essential to kick them into the spare room because they will keep you awake all night - not from what they claim has stopped them from getting a wink of sleep due to “the sweats”. But even heavier snoring than usual and a weird clicky throaty noise they make because only one nostril is working. The truth is they are having loads of sleep and you’re not.

It is advisable to avoid prolonged contact because they love an audience. Instead, give them a tray of food, pills, lots of water and a flask of tea and then when they shout for something you are entirely justified for shouting “oh for God’s sake, what now?”

When you do enter the sickbay, ensure your mouth and nose are covered. This is not to avoid the germs - because they are pretty weak germs, if we’re being honest - but the variety of smells produced by a man in bed for three days solid such as blow-offs, breath and armpits.

Finally, watch out for an elaborate litter maze of half-empty cold cups of tea, screwed up tissues and empty crisp packets which they deliberately do not dispose of themselves because the bin is, cough, too, cough, far away, and they’re, cough, so ill.

How long does it last?

For as many days as they can cope without a pint.

* * * * *

Kim Kardashian broke the internet last week with her full moon and frontal photoshoot.

It was quite incredible to see her uncovered on the front of Paper magazine because no one else in the world has a bottom or bosoms.

I don’t want to sneer because she has done so much good work for the humble big backside.

But just imagine what she could do for mummy tummies.

So if you’re reading this, Kim, would you mind swivelling your bum round to your stomach?

Thanks, love.