Too often these days, conversations around consent are shut down before they can even start. Violence against women is on the rise? Ban men. An ostensible feminist is actually an alleged assaulter? Blame male feminism. And if we shun men — in theory, in practice, in internet memes — how can we include them in the conversation about consent at all?

Over the last month, I spoke to men from all different backgrounds — from teens to retirees, lawyers and teachers to mens right’s activists — about where they stand on the practice of consent, outside of the politicized arguments. Even though most guys felt that the onus of consent falls more heavily on men than it does women, they thought everybody should be talking about it. But the problem: nobody seems to be doing so. Men are scared. So much so that some are simply abstaining from sex entirely “because you never know who might cry rape the next day,” as a USC frat member once confided. Fear — of arrest, prosecution, and even mere public shaming — is quickly becoming the primary reason to get on board with consent. While fear can be a powerful motivator, it doesn’t start conversations around consent — it ends them.

If sex is out in the open, consent should be, too. And if we want to move consent forward and out of the closet, we need to stop pretending to have these conversations. So, I asked a dozen guys about their grayest of hookups, the ones that raised the most question marks in their aftermath; how consent applies to them; and what they think of the system that’s often contradictory and labyrinthine. The result is an honest male depiction of 2015’s political buzzword: consent.

Joe, 16

Student, San Jose, CA

The last time consent was mentioned at my school was when a team from Kaiser Permanente came. They did the obvious “sober yes” stuff, and I asked a question: “Can a woman (not just any partner) withdraw consent after the act?” to which they responded, yes.

I was dumbfounded. The answer was ridiculous. No uproar from the audience, everyone else seemed to accept this. I was somewhat shocked to hear that a person could withdraw consent after sex. To me, that says the person revoking consent didn’t make the right decision, or regretted it.

I understand people make decisions in the moment which they may be uncomfortable with later, but a fact of life is that you can’t directly influence the past; you can only influence what people think of the past. I am very worried about my actions later in life being misinterpreted or altered from another viewpoint. What I mean to say here is that I am worried of being falsely accused of sexual assault, or similar misconduct, in the future.