A New Zealand man, who owed thousands of dollars in unpaid traffic fines, read a notice that the judge he would be facing the following week would be retiring. So he wrote a Facebook post unleashing a tirade of obscene insults against him. He didn’t realize that the judge would be on the bench until the end of the month and would indeed rule on his case. The defendant was extremely apologetic, and explained that he was “very intoxicated” when he wrote it.

SO TELL ME, WHAT’S THE FUTURE LIKE? … A man stormed into a fast-food restaurant in Oklahoma City, assaulted an employee and stole some chicken and bacon. He claimed to be from the future. But a police officer had a different explanation: “He was possibly under the influence of some sort of narcotic or intoxicant or suffering some type of break with reality.”

AND WE PROMISE NOT TO ARREST YOU, HONEST … In an effort to nab illegal drug users, police in Granite Shoals, Texas, put up a phony post on Facebook saying that meth and heroin recently brought into the state may be contaminated with the Ebola virus. They urged people to bring their drugs to the police station for “screening.” One person did.

I’LL BE BACK IN TEN … A man left a 2009 Lexus that he had stolen as collateral when he went to a car dealership in Leetsdale, Pa., and asked if he could take one of their Mercedes-Benzes for a test drive. He did not return. The manager has instituted a new policy on test drives.

THIS DID NOT GO AS I EXPECTED … A man went to a home of an exotic dancer in Tulsa, Okla., after she invited him there. But he was met by two men who beat him, tied him up, threw him into the trunk of his car, and drove around for 45 minutes, stopping at the Hard Rock Casino, where they stole his credit cards. He escaped and called the cops.

SO, I GUESS IT WORKS … A business in Parkhill, Ontario, that produces a product marketed as “the world’s best firestarter,” caught fire.

A DAY THE BRIDE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER … The father of the groom attacked his son’s new wife at their wedding reception in Russia after she flipped him the finger. It sparked a general brawl, which ended when the bride was driven from the hall. A great deal of vodka had been consumed.

I KNOW IT’S BLURRY, SIR, BUT YOU CAN’T GO BACK UP … A man scaled a 25-story-high crane in downtown Edmonton, Alberta, because he wanted to take a selfie from the top with the sun setting in the background. Police were summoned when someone saw him up there drinking beer. Arresting officers said the photograph turned out blurry.

YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPER! … A man stole a tractor from a farm in England and then led police — some in a helicopter — on a chase through the countryside. His top speed was only 10 mph. It ended when he crashed the vehicle and tried to run away. He will not be allowed to drive for two years.