Yesterday, my aunt had me pick up her son Benedict (or as I like to call him, Benedick) from daycare. I didn’t really wanna, but he’s 2 and a half years old and according to my auntie, that’s too “young” to take the bus home. Like, WTF!?—you just have to sit there and the bus takes you home. Benedick is just lazy, I know it.

Anyway, as I entered the daycare building, I drew jealous glances from the frumpy women in their 30s and 40s working there. They all snarled at me like warthogs while playing with snotty kids, changing soggy diapers and rocking chubby little monsters to sleep. I was an blonde Elvish queen entering a den of swarthy orks. (Yes, I know my Lord of the Flies, get over it.) I asked a particularly flabby woman who was most certainly on the wrong side of 30 where my darling Benedick was. She muttered that he was in the little playroom and pointed me toward it. I graciously floated over there, but what I witnessed when I swung open the glass door made me almost fall over from sheer shock. There was my dear cousin Benedick, looking down into a colorful book, sucking on his thumb and sitting. in. the. lap. of. a. fucking. MAN.

I screamed, “BENEDICK!!!” and the man looked up and the cattle-like staff came stampeding from behind me. “What’s the matter?” Asked one of the bigger cows. I was shaking. “L-l-l-ook, there’s a m-m-man over there, on the couch, CALL THE POLICE, NOW! The Big Cow made it past me, saw the room in its entirety, then she sighed: “That won’t be necessary Ms. Gus. That’s Trent; he works here. He takes care of the children.”

The man lifted Benedick down and came toward me. Looking a bit shocked, he put his hand out to shake my hand, but I didn’t offer mine.

“Are you seriously letting a fucking MALE work with the children? How can you let him be around them? He is obviously molesting them when you’re not looking!” The Big Cow looked totally offended and said, “Trent has been working here for 9 years and he is an asset to this place, you can’t just throw wild accusations around!”

“Watch me,” I said in a cool voice, grabbed Benedick, and stormed out while yelling, “I’m going to sue you for letting him near my little baby cousin, I’M REPORTING THIS ‘TRENT,’ IF THAT’S EVEN HIS REAL NAME, TO THE POLICE FOR CHILD RAPE!” I slammed the main door behind me and breathed a lungful of Boston’s balmy summer air—I felt empowered as hell.

Let’s be honest here: It’s completely obvious that if you’re a man working at a daycare center or a school, you’re in it to finger a minor. You stand out like a sore thumb at a place full of unprejudiced, tolerant, and angelic women who’re slaving away on their own each hour of the day to raise the kids to be the best they can be—just like single mothers. Throw an Adam’s apple into the salad, and you know you’re in for molestation and kiddy-fiddling. It’s like beyond me, how any one can trust a man around their children. Men rape. Men do pedophile stuff. Men call kids “gay.”

To males working with children: Parents and the female (real) teachers secretly hate you and distrust you behind your back, and they take, like deep breaths and brace themselves for Planet Molestus every time they enter your classrooms. It’s painfully obvious that you chose the occupation to be near kids and satisfy your twisted fantasies. Seriously, we can all see that boner you get when you grade math quizzes and a number lower than 18 is the answer.

As parents and family we must make sure to report any male who is acting suspiciously around children—scratch that—we must report any male who is around children. According to my own calcumalations 95% of men rape at least once in their lifetime, so it’s safe to say that 95% of our kids are being raped on a daily basis at schools and daycares with male staff. If there’s no evidence, make sure you make your kid “remembers” a story about being molested, read it to them as a bedtime story or something, kids are so dumb they’ll eventually believe it themselves. And like don’t feel bad for putting an “innocent” man away, think of it as a pre-emptive action – He would have raped that kid sooner or later.

We must stop letting molesters work with our children. Women are the best at raising kids and they would never do anything like molesting or sleeping with minors…okay FINE, there’s some cases where female teachers have like, slept with boys in their classes, but this is, like different. These cases are kind of cute and sweet, cuz they’re in love, and besides a woman sleeping with an underage boy is a good way to take back power from the patriarchy.

If you are a male working at a school or daycare, Just. Fucking. Quit. You. Pedo. If you know any man who works with kids, share this with him and make sure he knows he is not wanted. PEACE OUT PEDOS.