Boom.

Here is a rough translation of the video:

Here are some pictures of hockey moments – hockey moments you, the fan shared with us. Hockey moments you, the fan, will now be deprived of.

Here’s Sidney Crosby. It’s great to see him, isn’t it? It always is. Unfortunately, you, the fan, will now be deprived of Sidney Crosby.

Oh hey here’s Jonathan Toews. Allow him to explain in his seriousface—no, his serious seriousface—about how we players had the same dreams you, the fan, did as kids. Jonathan Toews will not be allowed to continue fulfilling that dream of playing in the NHL that we all had, players and fans alike. We’re the same.

Oh look here’s David Backes in a flannel shirt and an earnest expression. You see, David Backes is an average dude, just like you, the fan. An average dude who rescues puppies in his spare time. Does Ed Snider strike you as the kind of guy who rescues puppies? No, no he doesn’t. David Backes? Rescues puppies.

Here are some more hockey moments as we try to remind you, the fan, how pure the game of hockey is and how greedy businessmen are corrupting it.

And now say hi to bashful James Reimer, a good Canadian boy from wherever the hell in Manitoba that he’s from, isn’t he just a sweetie? James Reimer really wants to be out there, playing for you, the fan. And you believe him, because James Reimer would never lie to you, the fan. Look at those eyes. Why won’t these evil greedy businessmen let James Reimer play for you?

Oh don’t forget Gabriel Landeskog, boy wonder. We’re fighting for our futures, he’s here to tell you. Does Jeremy Jacobs look like a guy who cares about Gabe Landeskog’s future? No, no he doesn’t.

Here are Jonathan Toews and American Hero David Backes again, to tell you, the fan, how much we players sacrificed the last time around, like we had a choice, and took the high road and made concessions for the good of the game. And anyway, the evil greedy businessmen who don’t look like the kinds of guys who rescue puppies in their spare time wanted this system and now they’re saying it’s broken. I mean what liars. Look at our carefully selected faces, fans. Would these faces lie to you?

We just want to play for you. It’s those evil lying liar businessmen that refuse to let us, fans.

The End.