When a person isn’t ready for a baby—or doesn’t ever want to have one—an unexpected pregnancy can be devastating. Odds are that somebody you know will experience a surprise pregnancy at some point. About 45 percent of all pregnancies in the United States in 2011 were unintended, according to a 2016 study in New England Journal of Medicine which looked at the most recently available nationally representative data from various official sources. Of course, not all unplanned pregnancies are unwanted, but, in some cases, they are.

If a friend of yours is pregnant and has decided to get an abortion (or is leaning heavily toward one), you probably want to know how best to be there for them. Fortunately, there are many ways you can do just that.

1. First, withhold all assumptions.

This is the most important thing to keep in mind once your friend reveals their pregnancy news, Gillian Dean, M.D., senior director of medical services at Planned Parenthood Federation of America, tells SELF.

You might think your friend wants an abortion or to carry the pregnancy to term, but you can’t actually know how they’re feeling—or anything else about the situation—until they tell you for sure.

So, instead of reacting with something like, “Congratulations!” or, “I’m so sorry,” respond with a judgment-free inquiry to get a sense of where your friend’s head is, clinical psychologist Lisa Rubin, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at The New School and past chair of the reproductive issues committee of the American Psychological Association’s Society for the Psychology of Women, tells SELF. She recommends something like, "How are you feeling about this?”

2. If your beliefs will make it hard for you to be there for your friend, explain that in the most loving way you can.

Maybe if you became pregnant unexpectedly, you would never get an abortion. Doing what's right for you is always a valid choice, but that doesn’t have any bearing on what’s right for someone else. “Only your friend knows what’s best for them,” Dr. Dean says. “Every situation is different.”

So, what does being a good friend look like if you're against a friend’s abortion? If you’re able to offer specific kinds of support without judgment, do that, Rubin says. For instance, perhaps you’re willing to listen to your friend without trying to sway them, but you can’t accompany them to and from the procedure.

If you can’t be impartial at all, it’s OK to say as much for the sake of your friendship, Rubin says. You can tell your friend this is something you feel really strongly about, and although you respect their bodily autonomy, you can’t talk about it with them because it would probably just cause both of you distress.

3. Reinforce that this is their choice and their choice alone.

Your friend may ask you for advice, but that can be an incredibly tricky situation. This decision is a personal one, and it should be made carefully by them—not influenced by you or anyone else. “Your goal is not to convince them one way or the other,” Rubin says.

So, if they ask what you think they should do, compassionately and respectfully decline to tell them. Instead, express confidence in their decision-making abilities, Helen L. Coons, Ph.D., a Colorado-based clinical psychologist specializing in women's health and mental health, tells SELF. She recommends something like, “You’ve made good decisions before, and I trust you will make the best one for you.”

You can also ask thoughtful questions that may help them feel more certain either way, Coons says. Some potential questions: What are they most worried about? What are the pros and cons they’re weighing? Are mixed emotions confusing them? Does the person who got them pregnant know? Are there important people they’re scared to tell?

4. Offer to connect them with resources if they seem scared or unsure.

This is an especially good idea if your friend is facing intense pressure to get an abortion or remain pregnant from other people or even themselves, Rubin says. Coons recommends helping your friend find mental health or other medical providers who specialize in pregnancy and abortion.