All of the best things in life involve the merging of two things into one. Fork + Spoon = Spork! Breakfast + Lunch = Brunch! Vacuum cleaner + Razor = Flobee, the new age hairstyle system! But what happens when you mix heartfelt charity with a handful of self-gratification? Sperm donation!

How hard could it be? Just walk into a spermy-like place, have a pleasant 5 minutes with yourself, hand over your happiness in a cup, and walk out with a couple of bucks. Woah, woah, cool your jets, Turbo. If it were that easy, you’d find a Spermbucks on every corner. The sperm bank industry is tightly regulated, and the process of donating sperm can be quite arduous. So read along, friend, to find out exactly what you have to go through to donate sperm.

1. FIND A SPERM BANK

. . . an obvious but important step, lest you approach a financial bank and try to deposit sperm. The teller will probably shoot you. So find yourself a sperm bank. How? There are two ways: asking your doctor and doing your own research.

Ask your doctor

This is the best way to find a sperm bank, because (s)he can direct you to one that has been certified by your state, that is of good quality, and that is relatively close to you. Ask your doctor for three to four top-notch sperm banks, just because it’s always nice to comparison shop.

Do your own research

Use this method if you’re embarrassed to tell your doctor (or if you forgot your doctor’s name). You can look in the yellow pages (you’ll be letting your fingers do the walking anyway) or check out this helpful site. Make sure the sperm bank is licensed by the state it is in! If it is, you know the state is keeping really close tabs on what the bank is doing with all its sperm. If the bank if not licensed by the state, they could be doing very unpleasant (and possibly illegal) things with the sperm deposits.

Regardless of how you find the sperm bank, you should visit the bank before ever signing anything, and make sure that it’s clean and pretty. Talk with some of the people that work there, and see how professional a “vibe” you get from the place. Again, compare banks, and pick the best one. Your sperm won’t be going anywhere.

2. GO FOR AN INITIAL CONSULTATION

This may take place over the phone or in person. At this first meeting, you will find out the base criteria for sperm donation. Different centers have different criteria, but the following are pretty standard:

You must be between the ages of 18-34. The sperm of young men are better at defrosting than old man sperm.

You must be at least 5’11”. That’s because almost all mothers-to-be ask for tall donors.

Your weight must be about right for your height. This is because proper weight correlates with healthy sperm.

You must have a high school degree, almost always a college degree, and even more preferably, a JD, BMW, multiple houses, and googobs of money.

You cannot have (or ever have had) hepatitis B, hepatitis C, HIV, genital herpes, venereal warts, ebola, or that disease that makes little babies look like they’re 90 years old.

You must be a boy. Or a talented girl.

3. MAKE THREE DONATIONS

The first donation

Now it’s time to step up to the plate. You go to the sperm donation center, and in a “private masturbation booth,” you provide a sample. You hand the cup over to Nurse Ratchett when you’re done, and you go home. What are they looking for? Four basic things:

count (how many suckers you got in there?)

motility (are they good swimmers?)

freeze-ability (are they good at staying cold?)

morphology (are they deformed?)

Anywhere from 50% – 90% of all applicants are rejected because of deficiency in one of these areas.

The second donation

Back to the sperm center. Time to make some sperm-counters very happy.

The third donation

At this point, try switching hands to avoid cramping.

4. PASS A MEDICAL HISTORY TEST

OK, so you’ve given your sperm three separate times now, and you still haven’t been rejected. The next step is to disclose your family medical history. Sometimes this can mean that you have to know your family’s full medical and genetic background going back FOUR generations, and you have to provide these records for review. Hmm. . . this isn’t as easy as you thought, eh? Just wait ’til you get to the next step. . . (before you leave, though, you get to leave some more sperm).

5. TAKE A FULL-FLEDGED MEDICAL EXAM

It’s time to go through a full-fledged, hair-raising, body-invading, pinch-‘n’-prodding medical exam. You’ll be tested for more things than you want to know, including:

ABO-Rh blood typing

complete blood count (CBC)

chemistry panel

cystic fibrosis carrier screening

semen analysis

sickle cell carrier testing

Tay-Sachs carrier testing

urinalysis

And if you’re accepted, then every three months you’ll be tested for lotsa stuff, including:

ALT

chlamydia

gonorrhea

hepatitis B

hepatitis C

HIV

syphilis

You have one of these, and the ballgame is over. So live cleanly, young jedi.

But there’s good news: if you’re nice and healthy, instead of getting a lollipop at the end of your visit, you get to leave more sperm! We meet once again, Mr. Private Masturbation Booth.

6. SIGN THE CONTRACT

You’ve done it! You’ve wanked your way through 5 steps, left bucketloads of sperm, and been approved by a reputable medical board. All you have to do now is sign the contract. Where’s the pen? WAAAAAAAAAAIT! What does it mean if you sign this contract? A bunch of really really important things:

It means that you have absolutely NO legal responsibility for any potential child that may be created with your sperm. You have NO rights to that child, and you will remain anonymous, in accordance with state law. You will not know your children.

It means that you have to commit to the program for 6 months – 3 years. During this time, you are responsible for maintaining good health, and you must report any chance that you could have a disease.

It means that you can’t pleasure yourself for five days before your deposit. No sex with yourself or others.

It means that they will only allow up to 10 children to be born from your sperm, and then you’re taken off the market.

Let’s see, are we forgetting anything?

7. COUNT YOUR MONEY

Yes, you will probably get paid. How much? Well, it depends. One center advertises rates of $1 to $45, depending on the quality of sample. Another center promises up to $200 a week for weekly donations for 6 months. The thing is, it’s relatively easy to get sperm (much easier than to get eggs, at least) so don’t plan on retiring from your sperm donation proceeds. But don’t be despondent. High quality sperm from a good candidate will get a very good price (several thousand dollars a year). But to find banks that pay that much (and that won’t sell your baby’s organs in Nicaragua), we again advise you to ask your doctor for a recommendation. It’s not easy to get the top money, but it’s definitely worth a shot.

And that, dear friend, is how to become an accepted sperm donor. The entire process can take anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months, and you often will have to leave many many many samples before they accept you. And remember, less than 5% of all applicants are approved (from the good banks, at least), so don’t be discouraged. Good luck, and remember to keep on doing what comes naturally.