LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school teacher Elizabeth Reath told reporters this weekend that she could already tell which of her students at First Baptist Church of Langhorne were going to Hell. “At this point in my career, I can tell just by looking at them which ones will be saved and which ones will be damned to burn in fire and brimstone for all eternity,” said Reath, emphasizing that within minutes of getting to know each of her 20 students, she had already isolated the 8-year-olds who had been marked by the Devil and had “placed her bets” on the ones that seemed destined to be banished to the Inferno later in life. “By the time they get to me, it’s way past the point where I can just pray for them and save them from their final judgment day. I mean, half the kids in this class have had at least one parent who will end up in Hell. At this point, they may as well just surrender themselves to Satan.” At press time, a visibly disappointed Reath had reprimanded one of her star pupils for interrupting class after being possessed by a demon.

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