SPARTA, OH—Expressing disgust and shock while describing the disturbing scene, local authorities were reportedly horrified Wednesday after discovering a one-day-old funnel cake abandoned in a dumpster. “We are still searching for the individual responsible for this horrendous act,” said police chief Gregory Lee, telling reporters that the bruised baked good was unharmed, but noting that if local police had arrived even a few hours afterwards, it would have been too late. “We urge all residents to exercise good judgment before deciding to make a funnel cake, but if you ever find yourself with a pastry that you cannot take care of, remember that you have options. We recommend seeking support from friends or loved ones to help you, and if that is not possible, at the very least, leave the cake in a basket outside a hospital or fire station. Remember, there are many families out there for whom a new dessert would be a blessing.” At press time, Lee had confirmed that the funnel cake was in stable condition and recuperating in the precinct’s break room fridge.

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