On July 22nd, 2015 news about a potential LeBron James-led sequel to Space Jam reached a fever pitch. While people have widely speculated about the potential for such a fantastic cinematic reoccurrence, there hasn’t been much concrete evidence supporting the fact the Bron-Bron might be looking to branch out into nostalgia-themed glory. Then this happened.

Warner Bros. filed new trademarks for "Space Jam" last month. Today announced deal with LeBron James. pic.twitter.com/WaZ33sXCsY — Alex Weprin (@alexweprin) July 22, 2015

Which, actually, makes a ton of sense. The kids that grew up loving the Space Jam movie are now the ones with disposable income and an insatiable appetite for things from our childhood. I’m sure many mid-late twenty-somethings caught some kind of notification about this potential sequel while online purchasing their Backstreet Boys reunion tickets and sipping on a man-can of revitalized Surge.

But what will it look like? How will it stack up against the original? I tried to imagine what a few scenes would look like from Space Jam 2.

SCENE NUMBER ONE

FADE IN:

Int. Moron Mountain: Mr. Swackhammer’s Office, Night

Swackhammer sits at his desk puffing on an E-Cigar. His feet are on his marble-topped desk, his feet are swankily clad in gator-skinned shoes. In short, he appears to be getting Ballmer money. Around him the Nerdlucks are gathered, stooped humbly and nerdily before their commander in chief.

One Nerdluck is sitting across the desk from Mr. Swackhammer, wearing an accountant’s visor and looks completely terrified.

Swackhammer

Did you say down? Down?!? How can profits be down when we

exclusively use slave labor to run Moron Mountain? We make Nike

look like UNICEF and you’re telling me profits are down!?!

Nerdluck Accountant

Well, sir, we still made 15 billion dollars last quarter, but that’s

down from the 22 billion we made last quarter. After you factor

in our deal with the Greek Government, the bad investments from

Shark Tank: Mars Edition, and —

Swackhammer

(interrupting)

ENOUGH!

(Shouting into his phone)

Bring in my financial advisor!

All of the Nerdlucks huddle together in terror. Mr. Swackhammer’s financial adviser, 50 CENT enters the room. He’s been hit with a few shells but he doesn’t walk with a limp

Swackhammer

I’ll keep this brief, Fitty. What the H happened to all our money?

50 Cent

It’s g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gone, son. Sorry ’bout that.

Swackhammer punches a button on his desk and 50 Cent’s chair falls down a trapdoor. He stares at the crowd of Nerdlucks. One steps forward.

Brave Nerdluck

Mr. Swackhammer, sir? What if we clone dinosaurs, then genetically

mutate them, slap them back on an isolated island and then have the

fat-guy-from-Parks-and-Rec-that’s-now-a-skinny-guy hand train

velociraptors? That would get more people to show up.

Swackhammer

(dismissively)

That’d never work.

He pauses briefly. Staring up for a moment at the TV. He clicks through another channel, landing on a grainy re-run of the original Space Jam on Cartoon Network. He sighs longingly.

Swackhammer

We tried getting cartoons but they were too Wiley, too Daffy.

And they had the best NBA player in history on their side. That

Would still be the best way to boost attendance. Even after all

these years. I want revenge. I want another shot. I want. . .a rematch?!?!

Hey, you!

(he gestures at a Nerdluck standing near his book-case)

Can we do that? Can we ask for a do-over?

The panicked Nerdluck throws himself into the bookshelf, tossing out dusty tomes of old rule books and ledgers. A 10,000,000,000 page book called “NCAA Violations” is tossed out and caroms off the head of an unfortunate Nerdluck standing in the line of fire. The music builds dramatically.

Book-Reading Nerdluck

WAIT!!!!!!! I’ve found it!

Swackhammer

Found it? Found what? What did you find?

Book-Reading Nerdluck

A loophole. . .

He holds the book aloft and Swackhammer greedily snatches if from him and slams it down on his desk. The Nerdlucks look expectantly at him, nervously awaiting his word. One Nerdluck is texting someone feverishly on his phone.

CUT TO:

Closeup of the book. Inside, in hastily scribbled words is the bright red ink. “THE DEANDRE DO-OVER”

Swackhammer

(whispering to himself)

The DeAndre Do-Over, eh? Wait. . .you can do this?

Book-Reading Nerdluck

It is in the book.

Texting Nerdluck

And just an FYI, I just hit up Mark Cuban on CyberDust and he

said that it is legal. See?

(he holds the phone aloft, revealing a blank screen)

Oh, dang it. It went away. What a stupid app.

Suddenly Mr. Swackhammer leaps to his feet and begins pacing, the wheels in his head clearly turning towards a devious new plan.

Swackhammer

If we’re going to challenge them to a rematch, we need

to make sure that we have the perfect plan in place. No more

stumbling around and firing away with half-cocked schemes.

We’ll need to steal the talent of all the best players in the world,

that way: they won’t be able to help out the Looney Tunes!

He flips the TV to another game. It’s Game 3 of the 2015 NBA Finals. One player is flying all out, diving, scoring, and hitting clutch buckets. Swackhammer stares at him rapturously.

Swackhammer

(gesturing ominously towards the screen)

We need. . .Him!

Random Nerdluck

The one with “James” on his jersey? They say he’s the best

basketball player on earth. Even he says that about himself.

Swackhammer

No, no, no. The homeless looking one who keeps diving on the floor.

Velladovavdevoa. That’s what we need here. Boys: it’s time to go back

to earth. I hope you remember how to steal talent! Pack your bags.

You’re going to the NBA!

SCENE NUMBER TWO

FADE IN:

Ext. Early Evening, Outside of Smoothie King Arena in New Orleans, Louisiana

A mysterious, cloak-clad being unsteadily walks towards the arena. The cloak is pulled back and reveals. . .just another drunk dude who’s been housing Hand Grenades all day. The camera pans over and there’s a similar figure walking into the arena.

CUT TO:

Close-up of the non-grenade-drinking figure. Inside the hood of the coat you can see the Nerdlucks’ eyes peeking out. They must’ve stacked on top of one another.

CUT TO:

Int. The Arena, where the Cleveland Cavaliers are playing against the New Orleans Pelicans.

The Nerdluck collective finds a seat in the semi-empty arena. We see two Nerdlucks discussing the plan in the hooded area of their disguise.

Nerdluck #1

We made it! So this is Earth, huh? And they wanted to say that Pluto

wasn’t a planet? Pshh.

Nerdluck #2

Just stay focused. We’ll finally succeed where our parents failed.

Oh, no! It looks like we’re not the only Aliens here!

(he gestures out of the hood)

CUT TO:

An Excruciatingly creepy closeup of the King Cake Baby mascot.

All of the Nerdlucks shudder with terror.

Nerdluck #2

Alright. Let’s split up and steal everyone’s talent.

All of the Nerdluck’s spill out of their trench coat in glowing, oozing, piles of computer generation. They slither and slime their way invisibly towards the NBA players and 5 of the Nerdlucks each latch onto a sneaker of the NBA player that they choose. They worm their way back to the disguise and stumble/exit their way out to the parking lot.

CUT TO:

Int. Moron Mountain, Mr. Swackhammer’s office

The Nerdlucks stand proudly before Mr. Swackhammer’s desk with a glowing basketball in their hands.

Swackhammer

Good. Good. So you little dweebs actually pulled it off, huh?

All the Nerdlucks nod expectantly.

Swackhammer

Alright, show me how these talents work!

CUT TO:

Ext. Moron Mountain’s outdoor basketball court.

The Nerdlucks huddle around the glowing ball while Swackhammer looks on grumpily. In turn, each of the Nerdlucks touches the ball. The music builds, the computers generate some images, and glowing lights encompass the Nerdlucks. They start growing rapidly, turning from small, dinky little aliens into full-sized professional athletes. All except one.

Swackhammer

(Addressing the non-growing Nerdluck)

What the heck is the matter with you? Whose talent did you steal?

Non-Growing Nerdluck

The one they call Dellavedova. I’m sorry, sir, but it looks like

he literally used up the last of his talent in Game 3 of the finals.

He’s got none left.

They start running up and down the court. It quickly becomes clear to swackhammer that something is wrong with the other Nerdlucks, too. The Nerdlucks are bricking open shots, lumbering up and down the court, and struggling to dribble the ball well.

Swackhammer

(bellowing)

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All of the Nerdlucks grind to a halt, freezing in their tracks.

Swackhammer

Everyone come over here to me. I want to know, from each

of you, exactly whose talents you stole! Do you understand?

An angry scowling Nerdluck steps forward. He’s huge, but clumsy and slow-footed.

Surly Nerdluck

Kendrick Perkins from the Pelicans, sir.

A Nerdluck with a luscious mane of hair that has been combed up into an immaculate flat top strides forward.

Flat Top Nerdluck

Iman Shumpert. To be honest, I was kind of distracted by the hair.

Does anyone know if he’s actually any good?

The Nerdlucks shrug their shoulders and kind of mumble. Another Nerdluck steps up. He’s tall, athletic looking and has a vicious unibrow. Swackhammer is dumbfounded and can’t stop staring at the two eyebrows that look exactly the same as a caterpillar mating video from 7th Grade Science class.

Unibrow Nerdluck

Anthony Davis.

Swackhammer

Well, at least he’s really good. So you’ll be fine, right?

Unibrow Nerdluck

(nervously stammering)

Well, you see. . .uh. . .I actually kind of mixed up the point of the

mission and only stole his eyebrow growing talent.

One of the other nerdlucks is playing hop-scotch and signing softly to himself off the court.

Swackhammer

And can someone please tell me what he’s doing?

Unibrow Nerdluck

He actually thought she was so cute he stole Riley Curry’s talent.

Swackhammer

This is a disaster. We’re going to have to go back to earth, steal

some new talent and challenge the Looney Tunes to a re-match. I’m going

along to make sure you don’t blow it. And this time: we’re going after

LeBron James! Who told you idiots that these guys and this little girl were

talented?!?!?!

Another nerdluck steps forward and adjusts his glasses.

Glasses-Wearing Nerdluck

I did sir. I stole Scott Brooks’ talent evaluation skills. And listen, Kendrick

Perkins isn’t that bad, actually. Let me tell you why he should stay on the–

Swackhammer pulls out a lazer gun and blasts him.

SCENE NUMBER THREE

FADE IN:

Int. Dan Gilbert’s office at Quicken Loans arena

The office is nearly identical to Mr. Swackhammer’s in its opulence. Gilbert is giving a memo to a secretary as they type furiously on a computer.

Gilbert

Now, can you type this next part in Comic Sans? I really want

to hammer home how serious I am and I–

The door to his office opens and in walks LeBron James and his LeBrontourage.

Gilbert

(Smarmily)

Well, if it isn’t my favorite player/coach/GM!?!? Did you

decide on how much you’d like popcorn prices to be, yet

because I’d really like your help on that one?

LeBron

Not yet, Dan. Listen, I have something troubling me that

my contacts in the CIA have recently made me aware of.

Gilbert

You have contacts in the CIA?

LeBron

I’m LeBron James.

Gilbert nods.

LeBron

It seems that someone has been lying to us. Someone that has

gained my trust may not be who they seem.

He slaps down a manila envelope onto Gilbert’s desk. Some photos spill out onto the desk revealing the face of BRIAN WINDHORST.

Gilbert

Oh, God. Did you catch Windhorst trying on your underwear

in the locker room again and sending you photos? He told me

he was done with that.

LeBron

No. I mean, yes. But that’s not what this is about. He’s

not who he says he is, Dan. We did some digging and it

turns out he comes from a family with a long and troubled history

of athlete stalkings.

Gilbert

(Suddenly puzzled)

What do you mean?

LeBron

(losing patience)

Look at the file! His name isn’t Brian Windhorst. It’s Stan.

Stan Podolak Jr.

Dramatic synthesizer music plays and Gilbert nearly faints.

FADE TO BLACK

(*Author’s note: who did I miss? What scene should have the inevitable Bill Murray cameo? What players should the Monstars actually steal their talent from?)

FIN