WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One of the nation’s most prominent cowards achieved his long-standing goal of banning courageous people from serving in the military, the coward confirmed on Tuesday.

The coward, who avoided serving in the military no fewer than five times, told reporters that he had specifically targeted courageous people “because they make people like me look bad.”

“I know what they’re up to—enlisting in the military so that people like me look like spineless losers,” the coward said. “Well, if they think they’re going to get away with bravely serving their country, they better think again.”

The coward said that he was “surprised, frankly” at the howls of outrage his banning of valiant people from the military had sparked.

“If someone had banned me from the military back in the sixties, I wouldn’t have had to get a phony note from a podiatrist,” he said.