The Position We’re In:

On the 10th of March 2016, we travelled to Germany for our Europa League Round of 16 game against Borussia Dortmund, a team feared for their explosive attacking football, creative vision and deadly goalscorers. We were outclassed on the night, playing a B team in order to rest up for a premier league game a few days later, but in reality, even our A team would have struggled immensely with the task at hand. Dortmund were everything Spurs could hope to be in ten years time. They had the grace and vision of Henrikh Mkhitaryan (had to google that for ten minutes to work out how to spell it), the towering force and striking finesse of Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and a host of young, exciting talents to provide an element of mystery and enigmatic air to what they were capable of, not to mention one of the finest back lines in Europe, with players such as Mats Hummels and Neven Subotic guarding their goal. Defeat provided, strangely, a faint glimmer of hope, that the Spurs team of that time, that beautiful, ‘swarming’ team, to use the words of Quique Sanchez Flores, could one day soon hope to emulate BVB in terms of quality as well as style.

Last night, on the 13th of September 2017, almost exactly a year and a half later, Spurs defeated Dortmund 3-1, displaying significant superiority end to end and a near perfect execution of tactical change implemented by Pochettino. We sat back, soaked up pressure and performed swift and deadly counters in a way I have never seen us play before, which served to completely neutralise Dortmund. They had control of the ball, but we had control of the game. We have announced ourselves in this ‘group of death’ in the most superb way possible, with a win that mirrors our loss just over a year before, thus serving to further our reputation as a serious threat, both domestically and across international waters. To put it bluntly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlOngamomGY

The Spurs are marching in. We’ve spent the last few years marching, studs on, over the faces of the big spenders and the Saudi and Russian pimps of the premier league, we progress every year, our players develop every year, and while the teams of our level overseas like Dortmund and Atletico seem to have stagnated slightly in recent years, we are still rising. Maybe in a few years we’ll have lost some talent, maybe we’ll have had some poor finishes and some bad decisions made, but there is no halting this march now. Soon we’ll be marching the fuck out of Wembley and into our new home. It won’t feel like home at first, and some of the players we love now may not be with us when we do, but we’ll make it ours and it will be our spring board into greatness. We aren’t Group H whipping boys, we aren’t destined to lose to Real Madrid, we are Tottenham, super Tottenham, from the lane. None of you need me to remind you what happened the last time we were in a Champion’s League Group with the previous winners of the competition, none of you need me to tell you that Real Madrid aren’t unbeatable, because you all already know it. But you’re Spurs fans, so you’re scared, you don’t want to chat shit and look silly, you don’t want to come off as a bunch of undeservedly arrogant pricks like Woolwich, you don’t want to get your hopes up and have them dashed like they have been so many times before. Well in my view: fuck it. We got dealt a seemingly impenetrable group, getting through is a bonus while failing to get through is understandable. We get to play some great teams along the way (I am of course referring to the mighty and indisputable APOEL) and we should just enjoy ourselves for once. We don’t need to do much of anything this season to have bragging rights over Arsenal fans, they’ll self-destruct like always (they already sort of have). Enjoy this time for you, not for them. Enjoy how brilliant this fucking team is. Revel in the glory of Pochettino’s beautiful face. Feel the erotic shivers down your spine as you hear Kane’s simple voice ooze like dopey custard into your ears. This is our time to have some fun.

The Match Itself:

If you listened to any of the punditry after the game, you would have the impression that we were played off the park for 90 minutes and were lucky to break through a few times and score a few goals. This is indisputably unfair. We are not European darlings, we are not a branded to the teeth, ultra-marketable football club and to go along with that, we won’t be characterised as a good team in Europe until we bag more results like this. What we did, was set up exactly as we needed to, exactly as we should have been against Liverpool these last few years and exactly the way any manager with a brain should set up their team against someone like Dortmund.

We had 32% of possession to BVBs 68%, we had 2 corners to their 8, we had 15 fouls to their 6. Look at these stats and it would appear clear that yes, we clearly just lucked out, aren’t we a bunch of jammy little cunts. Look more closely however and see that we had more shots than Dortmund and twice as many shots on target, 4 to be exact, of which we scored 3. If we had shown that kind of clinical touch against Chelsea a few weeks ago we would have walked out indisputable winners. The fact is, that when you have a back line as strong as ours, it’s okay to soak up the pressure and we should be doing it more. Against teams like Chelsea it’s not always a bad idea to try to play them off the park, because we have done so successfully multiple times now, but against the likes of Liverpool, sitting back and letting them run around like deranged children for 90 minutes while capitalising on their piss poor defence could finally see us bag a win over those smarmy cunts.

People have also been quick to point out that one of Dortmund’s disallowed goals should not have been disqualified, however, as we all have seen, the lead up to the goal that they did score was also offside, it balances out. To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t give two fucks about whether or not it was fair. The stars hardly ever align to suck our Lilywhite cocks so why should they for anyone else? Not to mention super Jan’s sending off, which, if Gotze had been a foot taller, would have been a perfectly legal move. I like Dortmund as a club, I like their fans, I like their philosophy and I like their emphasis on youth (speaking of, sweet merciful Christ can you believe that Pulisic kid is 18? Sign him up Poch) but when we play them: fuck ’em all to death.

Our rapid start was refreshing and something we haven’t seen in a while, with us usually waiting until the second half to score the bulk of our goals for the last few seasons. Sonny’s attacking masterclass has raised the question of whether or not we even need Dele for our Champion’s League games, which is enough of a statement in itself of just how good Son was last night.

3 beautifully well-taken goals by Kane and Son and some masterful defending by Toby, Jan and Sanchez (who we’ll get to later) proved the difference, which is why it is perfectly acceptable for Pochettino to switch up and change strategy. We are a phenomenal force both going forward and defending, last year statistically having the best defence and attack in the premier league: conceding on average 0.68 goals per game and scoring on average 2.26. We can rely on this team to conquer the midfield and dominate play, or to soak up pressure and spring like fucking leopards on the counter. So yes, we did deserve to win. We were better managed, made more chances and took them better and we were superior in every area of the pitch that mattered.

Individual Player Performance:

From back to front I’d like to talk about each player on an individual level for once, because it was such a well rounded team performance in which everyone did their bit and everyone deserves specific mention.

Hugo Lloris: 7.5

Despite our harried defence and consistent attacking play from Dortmund, Hugo wasn’t kept overly busy, however, whenever he was called on (for a goal that wasn’t disallowed) he was phenomenal and showed off just why we forgive him for his shite distribution with some incredible reflex saves. The Yarmolenko goal was freakishly excellent and no keeper on Earth could have stopped it.

Ben Davies: 8

Ben was truly, truly exceptional last night. He’s only scoring as low as an 8 because I’m trying to grade this on a curve and the whole team was incredibly good. As he has been in our last few games, he was lively, creating chances and making runs when there was space and he was always available defensively. The question has been raised recently about whether or not Rose will walk back into our team when fit, and my answer is simply that I hope not. Davies has done nothing to lose that spot, Rose will have to work to earn it as all good Pochettino players should. With gentle Ben in such fine form I see no reason to suddenly oust him.

Jan Vertonghen: 8.5

Often, match ratings like this are negatively impacted if a player receives a booking or is, in this case, sent off, however, Jan’s performance was so incredibly magnificent last night it would be a crime to have his rating suffer. He will miss the game against APOEL but I feel confident against them with a back 4. He was just on time for every ball, constantly where he needed to be and seemed to develop a sixth sense for the run of play as the game went on, he was always a step ahead of the Dortmund attack and we owe much of that win to him.

Alderweireld: 8.5

Same as Jan because I felt they were equal last night. What was interesting was the way that the introduction of Sanchez as a reliable and physical force at the back has allowed Toby to roam forwards and provide an additional presence in midfield at times like Vertonghen does. Again, a superb display from him but, that’s sort of just what we’ve come to expect at this point.

Sanchez: 7.5

This is a really interesting one. Davinson has joined a club with the best defence in the premier league (arguably Europe based on goals conceded last year compared to the other defensive giants like Juventus and Atletico) at the age of 21 having never played in England before and has simply.. walked it. His maturity and presence for his age and his lack of experience have blown me away. He has the physical build of a perfect premier league defender, and the speed to keep pace with someone of even Aubameyang’s rapidity throughout the 90 minutes. There were times last night when Sanchez had complete control of Aubameyang’s movement and could not have looked more capable or confident. He will only get better and better and if he can do this consistently it’s no wonder Poch has allowed him to walk into the first team. He wasn’t as consistently present as Jan and Toby, but for his age a 7.5 in a game like this is extraordinary, and like I said with Davies, his rating would be higher had the whole team not been so good; I can hardly give everyone a 10 can I?

Aurier: 8

The Aurier transfer excited me tremendously. There is a deficiency in the market right now for right backs. There seem to be so few good ones and in Aurier we have landed perhaps one of the best in the world, partially because of his own tremendous ability and partially because of this market gap. He is younger than Walker and superior in all areas but pace, for which he does not lack. The transfer excited me so much because it felt like our first big transfer since those heady AVB days and the magnificent seven. Yes, the magnificent seven did not work out, but it was still exciting. I may be biased towards Aurier simply because of how important a signing I think he is for us, but last night I felt that he was fantastic. He displayed a really cultured performance indicative of his prior Champion’s League experience and credentials. That little fake he did in our box to mislead Pulisic, that sweet and cocky passing move with Eriksen, the rapidity with which he burst forward and looked to threaten down the line: he is everything we need and last night he displayed much of that in a game where he didn’t even have his usual license to roam as our tactics didn’t allow for it. Let him play in the premier league week in week out and we will see a true master class of how to be a right back.

Dier: 6.5

Eric had a quiet game last night through very little fault of his own. The way we set up seemed to override his need to be on the ball much and instead he was utilised more as another defensive body than anything else.

Dembele: 7

Moussa had a similar problem to Dier, but was able to string together some efficient runs and provide safety and certainty to a fraught midfield area at times.

Son Heung-min: 9

Sonny was phenomenal. I remembered last night why I’ve missed him so much. I’ve never seen a player dribble with so much ferocity and desire, score a beautifully precise and well placed goal and then grin with all the childish innocence of a cherub. He is precious to us, not just because of his frankly staggering goal contribution, his pace, his reliability and versatility, but because he is so bloody loveable.

Eriksen: 8

Eriksen at certain times in the first half seemed to be cutting a familiar figure of old, looking a little off the pace and doing more work behind the scenes than anything else. Tremendous pressure has been placed on his shoulders as of late. Now he has shown us what he can do consistently, the fans expect it every week. He is our creator, our wizard and our visual mind, our thrumming hum of consciousness and creativity on the pitch and in order to do what we expect, he must fulfil that behind the scenes role constantly while also chipping in with wonder-goals and inch perfect assists every five minutes. As the game grew on, he grew with it, found space well and seemed to both benefit from our growing control over the game, as well as being the primary reason for it in the first place. The inconsistent Eriksen of old is gone, welcome to the new regime.

Kane: 9.5

10’s are reserved for hat tricks at this point Harry.

I am going to be doing an article on Kane soon that will answer a lot of the current media circus around him so I will cover all this more in depth then. For me he was the man of the match, simply because he scored two fucking beauties and added a couple of great defensive clearances to his performance. Nothing more needs to be said, he’s Harry Kane, he scores goals for Tottenham, fuck off Phil Neville.

All in all, a great game lads, a great result that means a lot for us as fans and for the position of the club as a whole going into this season. Let’s see the gooners take the piss when we win the treble. COYS.

(Also that ref was shit.)