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For the past week, I’ve felt like a coward. There’s been a lot of rumor and allegation going around, and I’ve chosen to stay quiet, afraid of backlash. There are too many things I’m not allowed to say.

I’m not allowed to say that I’m ashamed this is all we can talk about. I’m ashamed that I feel like I can’t say these things. I’m ashamed of the bandwagon.

I’m not allowed to say that I’m impressed by how quickly we’ve reacted, and that some important issues are being talked about, only because I also don’t believe in the court of public opinion.

I’m not allowed to say that I believe in supporting those who have been violated, and of course sex workers can be raped. I believe in speaking out, and that rapists should be punished. But I don’t believe in defamation.

I’m not allowed to say that sometimes women make shit up, as much as it kills my feminist heart.

I’m not allowed to say that I know this isn’t the first time she’s cried rape.

I’m not allowed to say that my heart is breaking for James Deen.

I’m not allowed to say that I know his breakup with Stoya was tumultuous to say the least, and he is taking the high road staying silent. But I also know the fight isn’t fair, and I will support him if it gets ugly.

I’m not allowed to say that I’ve seen a video, directed by Stoya, shot a month after they broke up, in which she breaks character, says, “stop,” and he immediately stops.

I’m not allowed to say that ostracizing every male performer who’s crossed the line with a female performer would lead to a business with no male talent. I’ve lost track of my own stories.

I’m not allowed to say that James, however, has only ever treated me with the utmost respect. He is one of the few people I still trust to top me for a rough scene, and I’m very picky now.

I’m not allowed to say that I will continue to work with him, continue to request him, continue to be excited when I hear he’s my scene partner.

I’m not allowed to say that, sure, James has done some fucked up shit. Quite a few directors have let him, even encouraged him, to be extra rough. And I know his proclivities in private life. But just because someone slaps someone, or scares them, doesn’t make them a rapist. He has a dark side, but he’s not this monster.

I’m not allowed to say that James Deen is my friend.

I’m not allowed to say that I’m not allowed to say these things.

I selfishly just want this all to go away, but it doesn’t seem like that’s happening anytime soon. I guess it doesn’t matter. I can’t say anything.

Except I just did.

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For further reading, I suggest: http://therealpornwikileaks.com/industry-vet-gives-his-thoughts-on-james-deen-as-well-as-deens-accusers-updated/ and http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2015/dec/04/how-stoya-took-on-james-deen-and-broke-the-porn-industrys-silence

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Dec 5th, 2:04pm EDIT: re: statement about male performers crossing the line: When I’m on set, it’s my responsibility to speak up if I am not comfortable. If I choose not to, that’s on me. Porn is a full contact sport. And yes, sometimes guys get carried away. That makes them shitty people, not abusers or rapists. There is a difference.