News, views and top stories in your inbox. Don't miss our must-read newsletter Sign up Thank you for subscribing We have more newsletters Show me See our privacy notice Invalid Email

Dear everyone,

We would like to apologise if by staging a terror training exercise in the Trafford Centre which began with a black-clad suicide bomber shouting "Allahu Akbar" we gave the impression that shopping centres might be terror targets.

Next time we'll rehearse the emergency response to mass deaths individually in our bedrooms where no one can be offended or indeed saved.

We would also like to apologise to the Emo community who have lodged a complaint stating that by dressing our would-be bomber in black we implied people who wear black aren't actually a cheery bunch of souls who do not intend to execute anyone.

Further, suicide charities have asked us to point out that blowing yourself to smithereens outside a Frankie & Benny's is not the answer to your problems. Help is available for anyone considering taking 300 shoppers with them to paradise as a result of our ill-judged training exercise which, in case you missed it, we are very sorry for setting up.

We'd then like to apologise to the IRA, Real IRA, UDF, UDA, Basque separatists, Christian fundamentalists, apocalyptic gun-worshippers and Iain Duncan Smith that their ability to wreak terror was not included in our training scenario on a strict equality basis.

(Image: Jack Taylor/Getty Images)

We hope to include them in future, along with some non-binary transgender LGBT ethnic minority non-denominational small pagan-worshipping people who will be invited to take part in pretending to blow people up and no doubt take massive offence at the suggestion. We'd better apologise to them in advance. Sorry.

Meanwhile, we'll leave you all to watch the evening news where no doubt one day soon some black-clad lunatic who hasn't read more than a page of his own holy book will walk into an area packed with civilians, shout "Allahu akbar" and kill everyone he can.

After all, it happened at the Bataclan . And in Tunisia . And in Madrid. And London. And, well, everywhere that black-clad fascist lunatics try to get to heaven by committing murder even though that's against the rules stapled to the Pearly Gates.

We're very sorry that if you are unfortunate enough to get caught up in such an incident in Manchester the emergency services will be so busy apologising to you they will probably not get around to stemming the flow of blood pumping from your severed limbs.

Video Loading Video Unavailable Click to play Tap to play The video will start in 8 Cancel Play now

Sorry about you dying because we didn't train for the most likely thing that would happen. It was more important not to offend anyone who probably ought to be offended by other stuff, like some murderous madmen stealing an entire faith.

Lastly we'd like to apologise to anyone who thinks this apology isn't good enough. Sorry.

Sorry also to any burglars, rapists, wife beaters and drug dealers who feel left out of all this. Please don't ask your lawyer to claim we abused your human rights by not noticing we had to apologise for not apologising to you too.

And to anyone we've missed out - sorry.

Yours apologetically,

Greater Manchester Police

PS We're really very sorry.