My name is Connor Murphy, and I have been raped.

Contrary to what you might think, it did not happen in jail. It actually did not happen by a man forcing himself on me. In fact, my rapist was a woman.

On my 19th birthday two years ago, my housemates threw me a birthday party and invited some of their own friends, including a girl I barely knew. Around midnight, as I was ready to pass out, the girl followed me to my bedroom and began to kiss me. I did not want to have sex, which I made clear when I repeatedly said, “I do not want to have sex with you. I am being serious.” As she continued to kiss me, I assumed she was ok with that. I was wrong.

The next thirty minutes are a blur but the next thing I remember is her having sex with me. To be clear, she was on top and was doing all the work, and my drunken body had betrayed my wishes. Once I realized this, I pushed her off of me. She whispered, “It’s OK. I want this.” I rolled over and attempted to go to sleep. About an hour later, after my roommate had come back in and attempted to go to sleep as well, she tried again. This time, I was much quicker in pushing her off me and firmly saying “no.” I moved as far away as possible and somehow eventually fell asleep.

The next day, after a lengthy discussion with a friend where I beat around the bush for a while, he had the courage to say, “So … you were raped?” It would be a while before those words would ever come out of my mouth. I repeatedly blamed the victim — the victim being myself. I was drunk, so it must have been my fault. I also experienced a lack of support from the few people I had told, so I couldn’t admit I had been raped whenever the subject came up. Furthermore, I became very hesitant to be intimate with anyone. The idea of opening up or having sex with someone I don’t fully trust remains outrageous. I began to think friends, family and strangers were out to get me. Rape had removed the natural trust I had for people.

There are two reasons why this concerns you. The first is this: Male rape is a real issue. It’s not something that happens to criminals who “deserve it” or to wimps who are afraid of having sex. The fear of ridicule hanging over my head is the reason it has taken me two years to talk about this. This mainly came from the response I got from telling my parents what happened. Both told me there was no point in talking about this or bringing it to court. As I was a 19-year-old man who was drunk, I would be made fun of and would only bring shame by talking about this.

We often say people should not put themselves in a place to be raped. We are constantly warned about drinking around people we don’t trust. But it’s not always that simple. I was in my house, surrounded by friends. It was not my fault I was raped; it was the girl’s fault for repeatedly ignoring my wishes. What is my fault, however, is listening to all of those who silenced me. My parents have always been supportive, but this was an entirely different animal, and they let me down. When someone approaches you with this sort of issue, your job is to be supportive and ask whether they need anything — and don’t put what you are feeling on them.

The second thing I want to discuss is consent. That night I was lucky enough to be clear about what I wanted, despite how drunk I was. It was unfortunate that she did not listen to me. Whether you are a woman or a man, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any act of intimacy. Many of us are raised on the idea that “no means no.” But consent is more than that. It means saying yes. If your partner changes his or her mind, you stop. If they hesitate, do not continue. Sex is a deeply personal act, and people have the right to change their minds or refuse at any time. It is not just about you.

Rape makes you feel worthless and alone. Taking advantage of someone is a horrible thing to do, so if you ever have any doubt, talk to your partner. It’s as simple as that.

Finally, to all of those who have been victims of rape: I am so sorry. I encourage you to open about your own personal experience when you’re ready. Try writing it down first, or maybe just talk with a friend. I recommend being clear about what happened, and doing it in a space where you feel comfortable. Remember, it is not your fault.

Connor Murphy is a UC Berkeley senior.

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