I had always been the smartest kid in the class, making good grades, considered a 'funny' person, and always generally likable. High school went well, and of course I went to a good college. I decided on a major that was pretty functional (more so than a person who focuses on studying something creative), knowing that it would help me to get a job after college. So much debt...hehe, but of course everything will always be okay.

I feel like I have always considered myself to be 'sort of special', not just because of supportive parents, but also because of my psychological fortitude. I feel like I 'understand' the way the world/people work as a system, and I always feel like I am able to make good decisions. I don't think that I have ever really had a 'legitimate challenge' in my life, but I feel like I have simulated enough 'real challenges' to pretty much 'get through any thing.'



This is a post about how to find urself/lose urself [via ur career].

In search of the first stepping stone of my career

I got out of college, and finding a job was pretty difficult. I had gone to a good university, but I was too busy being social and thinking about life to dedicate myself to my studies and get an internship or do something to make it seem like I was 'highly interested' in a particular field. I had just assumed that because "I am me", I will be instantly likable, and if given a fair chance, I can adapt to any situation, eventually excelling at all fields with minimal effort.

Finding a job was difficult. I went to ten to twenty interviews. I always felt like the person interviewing me was 'a fucking faggot' who didn't really 'get' what life was all about. But I understood that entering into this mainstream workforce would make my life better. Even though I have an alternative perspective on the world, it always seemed like a lost cause to try to be alt forever. Eventually, some sort of biological clock would make me want a nice wife, a beautiful set of kids, and a house that I could call my own. But as I sat across the table being interviewed by some one who had this life, I felt like throwing up. I looked back at my youth spent 'not caring about anything but still achieving what I perceived to mean success' and felt sort of 'crippled.'

I was probably a wreck in my first interviews. I sort of just put my resume on the table that listed a bunch of skills that college had 'taught me' but I wasn't really able to retain any sort of knowledge about them, and definitely didn't have any idea about how to apply these skills to make myself valuable to an employer. Basically, I was 'just some little fuckface with a college degree' who 'felt entitled to a job' that he probably 'didn't deserve.' I feel like people without degrees have a big advantage because they just get to talk about how they were able to 'rise above' and they 'genuinely care' about whatever they are doing, because they've had to work 'extra hard' to educate themselves.

It was hard for me to understand why employers couldn't just be bros, and hire me, and just sort of let me chill on the internet all day. It's not like I wanted to have that job forever... I just needed a few years of work experience before I moved on to something bigger and better. But maybe that's why they didn't hire me. Maybe they could tell that I didn't want to work in 'some shitty office building' for the rest of my life, making small talk with 'a bunch of fuckhead' coworkers. Maybe they could tell that I knew that I was 'better than them' in every possible way. Maybe they knew I would fail at assimilating into their reality because my sense of reality had nothing to do with theirs.



By my last few interviews, I became better at 'seeming normal' and 'making it seem like I cared', even though I cared less than ever after being unemployed for 6 months. I was just resigned, and I tried to change my mindset. Like some sort of bro who has to go to war in Iraq, and tells himself to 'sack it up' and a bunch of other 'lies' about how he is helping himself/others. The guy who hired me was some sort of Christian-ish bro. I think he saw me as some sort of charity case that he could 'fix' and 'mentor.' He was dumb enough to hire me even though I was probably under-qualified and probably wouldn't fit in with their 'organizational culture.'



I started my job.

The first several months at my job were pretty 'retarded.' I was the youngest person in my office, and every one else had kids, 'real lives', mortgage payments, and 'real shit/problems like that.' Only some people had 'gone to college' so some people 'resented me' even though they were probably better at their jobs than I was. Just tried to stay quiet, learning how to 'survive' in this new life of mine. Trying to understand 'the common man', and try to teach myself how to become 'just another faggot in the wall.' Swallow my 'pride' and trying to forget the 'perspectives on life' that had become

Every day I drove to my job, and it felt 'not very real.' I felt sort of like it was some sort of extended summer program for 'gifted and talented kids', except I was theoretically supposed to grow within this organization, adding more value as I garnered more skills. I sort of just pretended that I was 'still training' and 'asked questions' sometimes to make myself seem interested.

However, I think that there was something 'awkward' about me with these 'real people.' A group of men and women could be having a conversation about a local sports team that was doing well/doing poorly. I am a well-informed young person who consumes tons of content on the internet, as opposed to getting my information from antiquated sources like newspapers and local news. I feel like I have developed more thorough opinions on virtually every topic that could be 'water cooler conversation.' It seemed as though my contributions to conversations on sports, politics, local and international issues didn't seem to 'mean anything.' Every one was just sort of silent, nodded their head, and moved on with the conversation.

I added no value to an organization as an employee, and it was difficult for other employees to establish a 'real relationship' with me as 'a human' because we didn't have similar backgrounds. I was amazed to find out that people don't have parents who 'love you too much' and 'support you' way too much. I felt like I wish my parents had done something to make me 'less self-aware.'



It is weird to think about the psychological advantage that members of Generation Y probably have over their parents'. I feel like this relationship makes it difficult for you to 'take your boss seriously' and definitely to 'relate to your boss' on a level that keeps the relationship healthy. It's not really like Office Space where a boss is an 'anal' bro who 'micromanages.' It's just hard to really honor concepts of 'deadlines' and 'stress' and 'pressure from executives.' Just sort of wish you could tell every one to 'chill out' because everything will 'work itself out.' But I think people are insecure, and afraid of losing their job or something.

I think my biggest insecurities were 'looking like I didn't know how to do something', so I would just sort of pretend to know how, and instead of actually 'learning how', I would put in extra effort to 'pretend' to save my image. Eventually, this probably 'caught up with me.' I felt less special than ever, and felt like maybe I couldn't do anything. I was glad that I had a salary that enabled me to buy shit and distract me from 'thinking about it too much.' Bought a new macbook and a copy of Ableton, hopefully to make an EP that would save me from my mainstream prison.

In 6 months, u will know whether or not u can make it

Eventually, I feel like they were 'weeding me out.' I had stopped going to lunch with any body else, not just because I couldn't stand the 'fucking disgusting' places regular people eat out at on a regular basis, but just because I felt like 'a prisoner.' Theoretically, I had tried to fit in. I had developed a character that SHOULD HAVE fit in, but I guess I wasn't 'human' enough to do it. No one liked me, and that might have 'hurt more than I realized' even though I had no respect for any one that I worked with. I feel like that made me feel human. I wish I could have just gotten really vulnerable with them or something, but I feel like 'getting vulnerable' requires some sort of mental competence/consciousness that most 'mainstream old people' aren't capable of achieving.

It was as if there is this other form of 'authenticity' that I didn't even know about that has nothing to do with the arts. Since I had acted like 'a spoiled little ass hole' for a month or two, I had sort of lost connections with my boss/my coworkers/every one, and I sort of felt like they were 'out to get me.' I started getting to work late, and leaving early, and probably 'looking like a piece of shit.' It was sort of funnie, but I think the 'bad attitudes' that were able to get me through non-real-life were creeping back into my head. Maybe they are right, yall. Maybe ppl 'don't change.'



When my boss looked at me, he was always just 'sort of disappointed.' I wondered if he looked at my internet browsing records, and saw that I 'just chilled' for like 6 to 7.5 hours per day. I wondered if they were 'going to try to fire me' or something. I have not fit in with their culture, and I have done very little to improve myself as an employee. I don't think I ever will, but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I feel as if they should just 'continue to pay me' as long as I sort of 'pretend' that I am interested in 'growing.' Just don't really believe in 'personal growth' and especially 'vocational growth.' I feel like I will become less competent as I age, and I should be expected to do less.

I always thought that I would work 'somewhere cool' like a record label, MTV, or at worst, a Fortune 500 company. It is just really demoralizing to work at a business park on a suburban side of town. Looking out the window at a bunch of Honda Accords and SUVs that are driven by people who have large families. I knew I wouldn't move away to the city because I would 'get famous' but I still thought I had a change to have a meaningful city life if I just 'sold out' and got a 'mainstream job.'

Feel like I am sort of just 'floating.' I feel too lazy to 'make my life better', but I still feel like I will some how 'get rich' or at least 'find happiness by making a career change.'

Is there Something wrong with me?

I sort of wish my parents were 'richer' and 'less supportive in a way that makes you feel like you can do anything' so that I could have just sort of coasted, then let them use their connections to get me a job that I couldn't lose. I sort of wish I was just going to 'inherit a shit load of money' so I would just have to find a way to stay alive for 20-30 more years.

I feel like there is 'something wrong with me.' I feel like my 'alt' perspectives might have crippled me forever. I don't think I can be successful as an alternative artist and I am not 'bold' enough to even 'take a chance' and 'try to make it' as an artist/electro musician / popular LA DJ / lifestyle brand creator / writing for a meaningful magazine like Pitchfork / fashion designer. But I also know that I will probably 'fucking kill myself' if I turn into my coworkers. I feel like my 'global perspectives' and the required 2-year core courses at my university made me 'know too much' about life, and possibly enabled me to think that 'nothing matters.'



I feel trapped. I feel like I just wish I really knew a lot about computers, and could have just designed CollegeHumor/vimeo/twitter, or something. I feel like I don't have any real skills that could make anything or any organization more valuable than it already is. I feel like 80% of American college graduates should just 'be outsourced to India' or something. I sort of just wish I could have a job where I am 'paid to have opinions on things that seem important', and make me feel like I am 'behind the scenes' in important decisions regarding meaningful brands.

I am worried about the future. I only see myself getting less valuable, and finding new ways to learn less. I don't think I will have any money when I retire.

I feel worried. I feel like there is a 'real world' that I have always told myself that I will be able to transcend, but it might have just been a gimmick. My window of opportunity is closing. I have found a way to 'be strong', but I think this just sort of 'made everything worse.'

I feel like I will 'shoot myself' in the parking lot of a Best Buy if my life continues to deteriorate. I might 'vlog' it so that it can be considered 'art', and I can say that I did something that 'helped me to go viral on the internet.'

I just want to live a meaningful life without feeling like 'every one else.'

I deserve more than I have.

I am entitled to a fulfilling career.

I am entitled to a fulfilling life, even if I 'don't take things seriously.'

I wish people could just 'chill' and give every1 like $55K/year, and we could all just sort of 'be happy' and 'buy some cool shit.'

I feel like I shouldn't have to work.

I feel scared.

Feel like I've been lied to/might have been lying to myself based upon lies other people told me.

I think I am 'too smart' to achieve mainstream success and feel 'happie'/'special' about it. I think I need 'Christianity' or something. I think I need to 'have a kid' to help me 're-evaluate' what I value in life/tell me that there is a reason to 'better myself' at a career/job in hopes of 'making more money.'

Feel like living in the woods, then sending an email to my entire office telling every1 that they are 'fucking faggots' or something like that. Not sure if I want to give up my salary and company blackberry, though. Conflicted.

Scared/worried. 'I guess this is growing up.' -Blink 182