‘Enough Already, Let’s All Hash This Out,’ Says NBA Commissioner


NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and figure it out now, so everyone send me a list of their top three preferred teams and I’ll try my best to make everyone happy,” said Silver in the memo, insisting that once all 494 players were moved to the team of their choice, he didn’t want to hear any more complaints or demands until everyone was a free agent again in five years. “Everybody’s constantly bitching about getting traded or leaving in free agency, and we’re all sick of your shit. We’re going to make this as painless as possible—do you want to play for the Lakers? Fine, go play for the Lakers. Do you want to be a Knick? Great, pack your bags. Let us know now, so we can all just focus on basketball.” At press time, Silver sent a follow-up message to explain that everyone can’t choose to play for the Warriors.