Out of respect for Chelsea and their manager, The Sombre One, today’s Mill will be painfully boring. ‘No change there, then,’ you may quip. But don’t say that. Because the Mill is not in the mood for jokes today. Oh, you weren’t joking. Well don’t say it anyway because the Mill is not in the mood for harsh truths either.

The Mill is only in the mood for diligent rumour-mongering. That’s what we do. We lost sight of that for a while as we let success and adulation go to our heads (it really was all in our heads), and started thinking we were light entertainers rather than just down-to-earth suppliers of cut-rate hearsay. That’s what readers need and we let them down. Sorry about that. We’re going back to basics. From now on, we’ll just give you the gossip and leave the punchlines to Loretta Lynch, who has been building us all up for a great laugh for ages now, so better not botch the payoff.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, getting back to basics. Certain organs report this morning that José Mourinho has identified the reason for which Chelsea have been wandering like haggard goons since the start of the season. It is not, apparently, the fault of referees, a media campaign, treacherous opponents, efficient doctors, Unicef or UFOs: it is the fault of fun.

Chelsea players have been concentrating so hard on letting off steam that they’ve gone completely off the boil. So Mourinho has, according to organs, BANNED BANTER AND JOKES at the club’s training ground and may give lines to anyone seen smiling. A dispensation will be granted in the event of him making a wisecrack, in which case everyone must laugh. Otherwise, it’s just focus on the job, focus on the job, focus on the job. It’s real life. Or a completely made-up story. The Mill’s not here to judge, readers, just to churn out this guff.

Next.

Newcastle have remembered what they meant to buy when they went shopping in the summer and will try and retain it in their heads until January, when they will go get a prolific Premier League scorer, a description that you could stretch to cover Charlie Austin. But the Queens Park Rangers player is said to prefer seeing out the final year of his contract at Loftus Road so he can join a club for free next summer.

The former Liverpool and Germany midfielder Dietmar Hamann says Jürgen Klopp would be a “great fit” at Liverpool. That could be true, assuming Brendan Rodgers doesn’t deploy him as a wing-back or something.

If you’re Ahmed Elmohamady, then you’ll soon be deciding whether to leave Hull for Aston Villa, Leicester City, Everton on Swansea. Or to stay at Hull. Of course.

Ricardo Vaz Tê, formerly of Bolton and West Ham, has heard so much about the joys of playing Jeremy Peace that he’s accepted an invitation to train with West Bromwich Albion with a view to signing. Meanwhile, Bolton are trying to persuade Kevin Nolan to come relive past glories.

Southampton are prepared to bid farewell to Gastón Ramirez. In fact, they’re prepared to get him dressed, pack his bags and put him on a boat to Italy just as soon as one of the several Serie A clubs stump up the fare. Meanwhile, Southampton are trying to lure young Swedish striker Raphael York from Sandvikens IF.

Start rehearing those Money Can’t Buy You Brendan Galloway chants, because Everton are about to peg their impressive 19-year-old left-back to a new contract.

Finally, Marco Verratti wants Paris Saint-Germain to peg him to a new contract too, like they do every year.