Someone mentioned Game of Thrones in the comments so we decided to do the thing.

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Winter is Coming

Sweeney: I don’t want to spend too much time introducing what is certainly going to be a long post because we don’t know how to write any other kind around here. The short version is this: Lor and I have something that we call The Spreadsheet O’ Dreams, in which we log the millitonty AMAZEBALLS ideas that we have for this blog if we could quit our jobs and add ten more hours to each day. There are two major goals that we cherish: (1) Becoming more than just the Buffy/Fifty Shades blog that we accidentally turned into -and- (2) Snarking something current that doesn’t suck. A few days ago I mentioned Game of Thrones in a post and a commenter asked if we were snarking it. A quick email exchange later and the answer was YES, ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY.

The third season starts in a few weeks and because we have a vague knowledge of math/counting, we concluded that we could easily get caught up in time to start covering this while current. I haven’t read the books, but I have already seen the first two seasons (recently, in fact) so there’s a certain amount of Knowing The Future Syndrome. I’ve found it more curse than blessing on the Buffy recaps.

Lorraine: I watched but forgot the first handful of episodes. So, as usual, I’ll be taking on my role of not knowing anything and being unable to see the future. Let’s get started!

Sweeney: The show begins with some dudes on horseback going through a dark tunnel with flame torches. They emerge in a snowy, desolate land of nothingness. After they wander around for a bit, one guy witnesses the gruesome aftermath of a mass murder, in which the bodies have been chopped up.

Lor: How else do you leave cryptic symbols in the snow?

Sweeney: Excellent point.

The guy who sees this goes back to tell his horse riding bros what he saw. Everyone is pretty much on team “LET’S GO BACK NOW!” except one guy who is trying to demonstrate how big his dick is by insisting that they go investigate.

This exchange is important solely for the introduction of relevant terms: wildlings, we are told, are savages and savages do savage shit so this awful thing shouldn’t be so surprising. Meanwhile, the guy who saw it is all, “No, this is way worse than that.”

They return to where the guy saw the body parts, but the parts are no longer there. While they are searching, we see a big shadowy dude with glowing blue eyes who promptly kills the guy who insisted everyone go on this hunt in the first place. Good. Unfortunately, everyone else is dead soon too. Or, rather, almost everyone. One guy collapses and watches the big glowy-eyed thing kill one of his buddies. It seems like he’s probably about to die, aaaand roll insanely long opening credits. Really cool opening credits, mind you, but super long.

Lor: DUDE. YES. We get a whole (really cool) tour of these fictional nations. I traveled more via these credits than I have in real life.

Sweeney: After this epic-title-credits-voyage, we see a grassy hill, as we are no longer in snowy deathland. Some men on horses are chasing after the lone survivor. Guess he’ll be dead soon too.

Then we are told that we are in Winterfell. Some guys are teaching a little boy to shoot an arrow, with his parents watching. Meanwhile, some girls are sewing, and while the ginger girl is really good, another girl is way not happy about sewing. The little boy misses and his brothers (I think it’s fair to assume this by now) laugh at him. When he goes to shoot again, an arrow hits the target before he gets a chance — it’s the unhappy girl seamstress. Keeping track of who is related is hard enough on this show and I couldn’t have done it without the little family tree that came with my DVDs so I’m just going to declare the various family ties as they appear. This shit’s too confusing otherwise. All the aforementioned kids are siblings.

Anyway, after this cute little family scene, it’s time to deal with that other guy who has served his prologuey purpose and can now be disposed of. Also, giving Eddard Stark (the father) a little punishment to dole out is a good way to demonstrate to the viewer that he is Lord of Winterfell. That first guy is now a deserter of the Night’s Watch, and the arrow-shooting little boy (Bran) must attend the punishment because his dad wants him to see what’s what. Mom doesn’t like the idea of her baby seeing nasty things, but she loses that fight.

The deserter swears that he saw White Walkers, but nobody believes him and he’s still a deserter, so he is sentenced to death. Eddard Stark chops his head off and everyone is proud of Bran for actually watching the beheading. Woo hoo! Then they assure him that the deserter knew nothing and LOL White Walkers don’t exist anymore. Also, that Eddard Stark is totes honorable because as the man who issued the sentence, he also had to be the one to carry it out.

Then they’re in the woods and they find a gigantic dead deer/moose thing and a little bit later a gigantic dead wolf. It’s a dire wolf, we learn, and it has a bunch of puppies. Lord Stark is going to have them killed off because, you know, wolves are dangerous. Bran is not happy about this, having already witnessed a beheading today. Jon Snow, who we met earlier in the arrow-shooting scene, points out that there are five wolf puppies and as there are five Stark children and the wolf is the symbol of their house, it’s basically fate.

Stark relents and gives a little speech about how everyone has to take care of their own puppies and all of that.

Lor: I right away fall in love with Lord Stark because so far he is stern, but caring. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’ve received a version of this speech. I mean, less “take care of your own killer wolf,” and more, “HEY YOUR DOG JUST SHIT EVERYWHERE. HANDLE THAT.”

Almost the same.



Sweeney: Almost. (And yes to falling in love with Lord Stark’s excellence. Sandy Cohen eyebrows for you, sir!)

As they grab the wolves, Bran asks why Jon Snow, who is his brother, doesn’t get one. Jon Snow says that he’s not a Stark. (He’s Eddard Stark’s bastard.) However, as they’re walking off, Snow sees another puppy. One of Lord Stark’s douchetastic squires, Theon Greyjoy, points out that it is the runt of the litter and, as such, should belong to Jon Snow.

Lor: IT IS ALL WHITE. LIKE SNOW.

Sweeney: We cut to King’s Landing and I just want to take a moment to point out the cool change in the cinematography. While Winterfell was very blue/green, King’s Landing is incredibly gold. Jaime Lannister has come to tell his sister, Cersei Lannister that she worries too much. Ostensibly. What’s actually happening is an epic amount of backstory in a quick exchange that doesn’t have the awkward feel of a conversation for that purpose. Important takeaways: THEY ARE SIBLINGS. Cersei Lannister is married to the king. They have a secret, which a now deceased man named Jon Arryn knew, but most likely did not tell the king.

Back in Winterfell, Catelyn Stark has to bring the bad news of Jon Arryn’s death to Eddard Stark.

Lor: The news came via Raven Mail, which in terms of mail is somewhere above Tyra Mail but below a Howler.

Sweeney: A+

Arryn was like a father to Stark. Arryn was also hand of the king, and the king is now on his way to Winterfell. There’s really only one reason he would come all this way north: to ask Stark to be the new hand of the king. Sidebar: they always talk about how crazy far north Winterfell is. I like to think of it as Canada. I mean that as the highest of compliments, Canada.

Bran is climbing down the castle walls (L: PARAPET.) and his mom sees and she’s way pissed. She makes him promise not to climb, which you know, LOL he’s 10. He does and she’s all, “Yeah, I know you’re lying.”

As the king arrives, Arya Stark (the little girl who wanted to shoot arrows instead of sew) is wearing a helmet and watching from high up, because she’s the greatest. That didn’t need to be included in the recap, but I love Arya so much that I feel the need to document her every move. She’s the last to arrive for the family line-up to greet the king. Eddard Stark makes her take off her helmet, which she is none too pleased about.

Prince Joffrey is among the first to ride in and he exchanges googly eyes with Sansa Stark (the girl who was good at sewing) and I rageface a little because, UGH. JOFFREY.

Lor: I don’t remember much about this kid except that he has a douche-y face.

Sweeney: Absolutely the douchiest of faces.

King Baratheon and Lord Stark greet each other. Baratheon’s all, “You got fat,” and Stark gives him a look that says, “Uh, do kings not own mirrors?” and then they laugh and hug.

Baratheon and Stark go down into the crypts and have a great little chat about all the things that they learned from Arryn and how bummertown it is that he died. Baratheon asks Stark to be hand of the king, because Stark helped him win the throne and should now help him keep it and run shit. Another important backstory moment: Baratheon points out that if Stark’s sister hadn’t died, they would have been bound by blood, but since Baratheon has a son and Stark has a daughter, they can still make that the case.

Meanwhile, we meet Tyrion Lannister with a prostitute. Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf and the only tolerable member of his family. He is interrupted by his brother Jaime because his sister wants them. Jaime paid for a whole bunch of prostitutes for Tyrion because apparently that will enable him to be ready faster?

Lor: Also because HBO likes boobies.

Sweeney: Back in the crypts, Stark is still reeling from everything that Baratheon just sprung on him (hand of the king! marry off your daughter!) and Baratheon is standing in front of a statue of Stark’s deceased sister Lyanna, who Baratheon would have married. He grumbles about how he kills him every night in his dreams. After Stark reminds him that the Targaryens are dead, Baratheon gives us a perfect SEGUE MAGIC line: “Not all of them.”

CUT TO PENTOS: ACROSS THE NARROW SEA. We see a girl with long blonde hair staring off into the distance. Pentos is also very gold/glowing, like King’s Landing. The girl, Daenerys, is very sad-looking, which will be her general state for a few episodes, as her character epitomizes how shit it is to be a woman in this world. Her brother Viserys shows up with a wedding present from the guy they’re staying with. The guy they’re staying with hasn’t asked them for anything, Viserys tells Daenerys, because he knows that when Viserys comes into his throne, he won’t forget his friends. That’s just backstory magic so you know that they have some claim to the throne.

We get the first of many incestuous scenes on this series as Viserys unties her dress and feels her up while telling her that she has a “woman’s body” and demands that she be perfect today, lest she “wake the dragon.” He leaves and she steps into the bath, even though her servant ladies tells her it’s too hot. But, no, it’s not, because she needs to burn the EW off her skin.

Later, she meets her future husband. He’s a warrior who has never lost in battle, and that’s pretty much the whole reason that she’s being married off to him. It’s really abrupt and the future husband, Khal Drogo, rides off pretty quickly after he arrives, which causes Viserys to lose his shit, which makes me giggle. However, his host-buddy assures him that all is well.

The three of them have a little pow-wow about the meeting and when the marriage will happen. Daenerys says that she doesn’t want to get married to this scary horse-riding dude and all she wants is to go home. Viserys seals his “I’m an evil asshole” deal with this line:

“We go home with an army. With Khal Drogo’s army. I would let his whole tribe fuck you — all 40,000 men and their horses too, if that’s what it took.”

Lor: Damn. He had to throw in the horses.

Sweeney: Back in Winterfell, Catelyn Stark is doing Sansa’s hair as they discuss the possibility of Sansa marrying Joffrey, which involves Sansa commenting on how handsome Joffrey is, which makes me want to vomit. Sansa’s in a real hurry, but Catelyn tells her calm down because Stark hasn’t agreed yet. Sansa sees no reason why he shouldn’t, since it would make him the second most powerful man in the kingdom and set her up to be queen one day. Catelyn points out that it would mean leaving home, but not as a family — he and Sansa would go, while the others stayed, and that’s rough. Sansa melodramas about how her mom needs to make him say yes because it’s the only thing she’s ever wanted.

Later, there’s a party and Jon Snow’s not invited. He’s outside stabbing a straw dummy when his uncle arrives. Snow informs his uncle that Lady Stark felt it would offend the royal family to have the Stark bastard at the party. Benjan Stark says something about how bastards are always welcome at the wall. Jon Snow wants to go, but his father needs convincing.

Uncle Benjen leaves and Tyrion Lannister emerges from the shadows to clarify that Benjen Stark is a member of the Night’s Watch. Tyrion gives Jon some good advice, coated in a thick layer of jackass, because that’s how Tyrion does things. He tells him to never forget who he is (a bastard), because the world won’t, and to wear it like armor so that it can never be used to hurt him. Jon Snow misses the obvious subtext, so Tyrion fills it in for him: “All dwarves are like bastards in their fathers’ eyes.”

Lady Stark and the queen make small talk while overlooking the festivities.

Lor: Which include her husband the king groping a random, slightly dirty looking woman. Ew.

Sweeney: Sansa tries to impress Cersei and woo her potential future mother-in-law. Cersei, to her credit, is mostly sweet to Sansa, though Sansa does get super uncomfortable when Cersei asks if she’s bled yet. (No.) Cersei compliments Sansa on her sewing and asks Sansa to make something for her one day and Sansa runs off.

Jaime Lannister confronts Eddard Stark about how they might be neighbors soon and it’s not really important except that I wish Stark would punch him. Also, Stark has this great line: “I don’t fight in tournaments because when I fight a man for real, I don’t want him to know what I can do.” Elsewhere in the party, Arya is flinging stuff at Sansa because she’s hilarious.

That night, the Starks are in bed having an adorable conversation about the king’s offer. Neither want him to go, but Eddard points out that the king takes what he wants. Catelyn responds, “I’ll say: ‘Listen, fat man, you are not taking my husband anywhere. He belongs to me now.”

Their precious little chat is interrupted by a letter from Catelyn’s sister — Lysa Arryn, now widow of the late Jon Arryn (see how confusing this is???) — saying that she has fled the capital. She believes that Jon Arryn was murdered by the Lannisters and that the king was also in danger. Catelyn immediately burns the letter, but tells Eddard, who assures her that Lysa was probably just distraught by grief. Catelyn points out that she put the lives of both herself and her son in danger by sending that letter and wouldn’t have done that if she weren’t certain.

All of this leads to a big debate about the king’s offer. Catelyn now feels all the more certain that this shit should not happen, what with the high odds that they’ll kill him next. Eddard’s got all his honor/loyaty/duty feelings, though.

Back across the narrow sea, the wedding ceremony is taking place. There’s a lot of dancing with naked women and men punching each other and mock raping the naked women and then actual murder of some of the men. It’s weird. Daenerys is stoic, but clearly wigging the fuck out.

Lor: As one should when entrails make a guest appearance at one’s wedding.

Sweeney: We meet Ser Jorah Mormont when he gives her a present of some books. He becomes important later. Magister Illyrio, their host-buddy, gives her three dragon eggs. They’ve been turned to stone, but are still pretty, he says.

After fun present time is over, she gets to hop on the horse her husband got for her and ride off into the sunset with her new husband. Oh, but first, her creepy brother has to come up and tell her to, “Make him happy.” Off on some cliff, she gets maritally raped for the first of many times.

Lor: And if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s all happening kneeling on rocks. UM OW.

Sweeney: Back in Winterfell, all the boys are going off on a hunting trip and there is an exchange between Stark and Baratheon about how Stark said yes and how Baratheon is grateful and views him as the only loyal friend he has left. OMINOUS.

Bran is not going on the hunting trip so he’s off climbing castle walls again, because he lied to his mama. His little wolf is running around on the ground really unhappy about this. Bran hears some moaning/gasping noises and keeps climbing in the direction of those noises. It’s there that he sees Jaime and Cersei having sex. REMEMBER HOW THEY’RE SIBLINGS?

Jaime asks Bran how old he is (10) and turns to Cersei and says something about the things he does for love before he pushes Bran off the ledge. HE PUSHES A TEN-YEAR-OLD-BOY TO HIS PROBABLE DOOM. And then what happens? We cut to the end credits because this show likes to fuck with its audience for shits and giggles.

Next time on Game of Thrones: Find out what happens to Bran, learn more ways that the Stark family is awesome, and probably more incest in S01 E02 – The King’s Road.



Nicole Sweeney ( all posts Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.

Marines ( all posts I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.









