GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Confirming it had severed all ties to the disgraced 30-ton marine mammal, the World Wildlife Fund issued a formal apology Friday in which it acknowledged having worked with an adult whale known for sexually abusing juvenile members of its species. “Though we cannot change the past, we would like to say how sorry we are to all the calves victimized by the heinous actions of a humpback whale that for years appeared regularly in our promotional materials,” WWF president Pavan Sukhdev said in reference to the mature male cetacean that reportedly groomed struggling underage whales for sex with its loud, hours-long vocalizations and generous offers of krill. “This whale’s conduct is abhorrent and completely antithetical to the mission of our organization. While we had no idea it was a serial sex offender, we take full responsibility and have begun the process of reaching out to the many victims it has left across an 8,000-mile stretch of the North Pacific.” WWF officials also stated they had partnered with Japanese whalers to ensure the humpback pedophile would immediately be hunted down and run through with a harpoon.

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