In a development that many believe is at least three-and-a-half years overdue, a concerned Canada has today reminded the United States to follow WHO guidelines, and maintain at least 2 metres of separation at all times.

“We have tried to be polite,” said Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, speaking from outside his residence, where he is self-isolating for 14 days (or years if anyone in the Trump administration is asking).

“We have tried to be kind. We have tried to see past our nation being called a security threat by this president, a man who is to stable leadership as termites are to the structural integrity of a log cabin.”

Here the PM paused and grimly ran his hands along the edges of the wooden lectern that he was speaking from, perhaps seeing tiny little Trumps devouring the oak surface even as he spoke, while shouting – in shrill little voices, with mouths full of sawdust – that they were making furniture great again.

“Thus, sadly, but not surprisingly, the time has come for us to ask the United States, firmly, and from behind an approved amount of personal protective equipment, to stay at least 2 metres away from Canada. For those not familiar with the metric system, that’s 750,000 feet.”

The move on the part of the Canadians appears to be directly related to the chaos surrounding the US response to the largest challenge of our time: a global plague of absolutely shite leaders. Which is tragically occurring at the same time as a pandemic.

In a sign that Canada means business on this issue of national self-isolation, teams of army engineers were seen fanning out along the 6,416 kilometre border with the mainland United States, as well as the additional 2,475 kms of shared boundary with Alaska. Equipped with backhoes and diggers, their mission was clear: Excavate a 2-metre wide trench the length of the border, flood it, and then patrol it by either skating up and down its frozen surface, or canoeing when the weather turns fine. Hockey sticks held at arms-length (the standard Canadian measure of a safe distance) are to be carried by all patrols, to demonstrate the minimum required distance as needed, or accept deliveries.

“We are a reasonable nation,” Trudeau concluded, looking to the south, in the direction of Mexico. “But we need our space. Thank you, no further questions at this time, unless you’d like to know more about using hockey sticks to promote personal space requirements.”

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