Earlier this year, Washington State football head coach Mike Leach was asked who would win a battle royale if all of the participants were Pac-12 mascots. To the suprise of no one, Leach ultimately gave the crown to his school’s mascot, Butch T. Cougar.

While I respect the homerism — as I myself dabble occasionally in unabashedly declaring Cal as the greatest football team to ever play the game — I’m deeply offended by this comment. Butch T. Cougar as the winner of a battle royale, are you kidding me? In a conference with two wild bears, a mythical warrior and a literal sun devil, you choose the frail pussycat? Leach might be an expert at X’s and O’s, but he knows nothing about mascot fights.

I, on the other hand, have (sadly) spent hundreds of hours playing “Fortnite,” “PUBG” and “Apex Legends,” so I know exactly how this battle royale would play out. Move over Leach, and let the big boys handle this. Without further ado, this is how the Pac-12 mascot battle royale would really go down.

Right off the bat, we have to eliminate the mascots who wouldn’t survive more than a day. Oregon mascot and blatant Donald Duck rip-off, Puddles, would likely be the first to go. For one, Puddles is probably the weakest of the bunch, with his half-assed pushups indicating there’s little meat under those wings. But even if he were to avoid a battle of brawn, he doesn’t wear pants or underwear. He’d freeze his little quacker off and die in the night.

Likewise, Oregon State’s Benny Beaver isn’t long for this world either. Unable to scavenge for wood and supplies to make a home, Benny would begin to feel lost and depressed. Beaverly able to give a damn without his dam, he ultimately throws in the towel.

Colorado’s Ralphie the Buffalo is the final mascot to be eliminated in the early stages. Growing angrier by the minute, Ralphie sees red and charges Arizona State’s Sparky the Sun Devil — but is ultimately put down at the hand of the imp’s trident.

The other nine mascots survive the first few days but one by one, they begin to be picked off. The USC Trojan, in a reverse of Homer’s “Iliad,” disguises himself as a giant bone — fooling Washington’s Harry the Husky and ultimately leading to the pup’s demise.

Lurking on the edge of the battlefield are a dueling pair of glorified kittens, Washington State’s Butch T. Cougar and Arizona’s Wilbur T. Wildcat. Like most cats, both mascots are incapable of love and affection, so with little to lose they scratch, claw and hiss in a flurry of furious fur. As the smoke of the fight fades, both Butch and Wilbur are defeated, revealing once and for all that cats are truly the worst pets.

The Stanford Tree has miraculously survived until this point, but only because none of the competitors thought a school would be stupid enough to pick a tree as a mascot. Turns out pine needles and Christmas ornaments aren’t exactly intimidating, and the Stanford Tree is ultimately cut down by the USC Trojan.

Across the battlefield, a California classic begins. Berkeley’s own Oski faces off against UCLA’s Joe Bruin. At first glance, Joe has the advantage. He’s ripped, handsome and his school is actually ranked on the U.S. News & World Report list of best colleges. But what Joe Bruin doesn’t realize is that Oski is no ordinary bear. Lurking behind those beady eyes, gloved hands and permanent smile is a killer like no other. Oski is Patrick Bateman crossed with Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker, with just a hint of Hannibal Lecter. He holds his hands behind his back, skipping forward with unparalleled fervor — each step an embracement of chaotic anarchy. In a flash, it’s over. Joe Bruin is dead.

Utah’s mascot Swoop soars over the carcass like a buzzard ready to feast, only to be picked out of the sky by the Trojan’s arrow. Three remain.

They meet at the center of the battlefield, the Trojan armed with an ancient xiphos, the Sun Devil equipped with a mighty trident and Oski with the most dangerous weapon of all: his charm.

The battle rages on for days, exhaustion knows no limit. Sweat drips down the Trojan’s brow, Sparky’s smile fades into oblivion, but Oski remains — tireless, untouched, macabre personified. As the Sun Devil and Trojan look into the Golden Bear’s eyes they realize their futility. There is no defeating Oski. Oski is inevitable.

Arizona State and USC ultimately concede defeat, crowning Oski the champion and the hero of the Pac-12. Golden Bear fans smile, knowing this is probably the only sports title they’ll be taking home this year. Cal celebrates with a week-long power outage. And Mike Leach watches, devastated by Butch’s defeat, but grateful it was not at the hand of the all-powerful Oski.

Michael Brust is a weekly columnist. Contact him at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBesports.