After four days on the job, Emily Smith’s friends and family were shocked to learn that she had not yet been sexually harassed by her co-workers at Fox News.

According to FiveThirtEight’s Nate Silver, Ms. Smith should have been harassed at least half a dozen times by now.

“Whatever you do, don’t touch her!” warned Silver. “Statistically speaking, she has leprosy. Lots of it.”

The conservative news establishment has come under fire for what some are alleging to be systemic abuse of female employees.

“The action items from our meeting was just a list of women they wanted to sleep with,” said former Fox anchor Greta Van Susteren.

While many at Fox have refused to comment on the matter, some employees are speaking out in defense of the station.

“Next, they’ll want us to call it herassment,” complained Fox News ‘funnyman’ Jesse Watters, before trying to trip an elderly Asian woman as she exited a city bus.

Fox News icon Bill O’Reilly did not respond to questions, but in recently released court documents, it’s been revealed that a number of Fox employees claimed O’Reilly yelled “I’ve got Cosby money!” while chasing them.

In the face of mounting criticism and public concern, Fox executives continue to exclaim their pro-women stance.

“Of course we respect women!” said Former Fox News President Roger Ailes. “It’s not like I have a fleshlight in my office with Emily’s face on it. And if I had such a thing, which I do not, there’s no way I would mount it on my wall like a Big Mouth Billy Bass.”

After pausing thoughtfully, he added, “That’d be tough to clean. Take my word for it.”