Tulsa, OK—

Christian Pastor Thomas Philbertson of Tulsa today just announced he will be taking a two-week break from pastoral duties due to infection from the coronavirus.

While this would usually be a sad story to report, the irony of Mr. Philbertson’s positive COVID-19 test is, frankly, hilarious.

Philbertson has spent the last three months promising his congregation that it was physically impossible for good Christians like him to catch the coronavirus, and frequently used church services to show off his certainty by walking up and down the aisles and licking his church members’ hands.

Philbertson went a little viral a month ago after posting a now-ironic video of one of his sermons on YouTube. The following is a transcript of that video’s most controversial excerpt:

“Folks, I’m not worried about the coronavirus one bit. I trust in Jesus Christ. And Jesus only lets gay, queer, homo gays get the COVID. And pedophiles, and criminals, and Democrats, and Catholics, and Unitarians, and Lutherans, and atheists, and agnostics, and Muslims, and girls who show too much cleavage, and squirrels, and the Chinese. I will never get it. Because I am none of those. You see, Jesus comes to me in my dreams, and He tells me who is getting into Heaven and who isn’t. And I am definitely going. Jesus said I don’t even have to wait in line at the Pearly Gates because I am the straightest person to ever live. I’m a heterosexual VIP. Jesus said that. I’m 100% straight. Maybe even 110%. Look at these skinny denim jeans I’m wearing, and these colorful boots with the red, white and blue of the American flag. Gay people don’t dress so American as I dress. And all these sequins on my denim jacket are because it blinds Satan. They’re very shiny, aren’t they? When I’m walking around, it’s like I’m invisible to Satan, so he can’t touch me with his slender, well-manicured gay fingers of flaming homosexuality he just wishes he could slip into my anus and make me climax by rubbing my male G-spot, and then using cucumbers and other phallic-shaped vegetables. But that would never happen. I’m too Godly, too pure of faith. My heart burns for Jesus of Nazareth. And only Him. You see, because I’m so straight, my heart doesn’t burn for throbbing 10-inch penises on plumbers who come over to fix my kitchen sink, and lean over so that their tool belt makes their pants slip down and their butt cracks show a couple quarter-inches. And my heart doesn’t burn for shirtless cowboys throwing giant stacks of hay into the back of trucks single-handedly with sweat glistening on their washboard abs. My heart will never burn for manly firefighters rescuing me from a burning building and holding me in their massive arms to safety where they’ll set me down inside an ambulance, throw one of those ripped arms over my shoulder to rub my back up and down and warm me up, and then give me their phone number and ask them to call them for coffee sometime next week. Not in a million years. My heart only burns for Jesus Christ. And because I’m not gay, Jesus will never let me get COVID. And he won’t let any of you get COVID either, unless you’re secretly homo. In which case, my house is always open at night after 8pm to come over and talk to me about it. It will be just the two of us, so you don’t have to worry about a thing. We will pray very, very passionately, and figure things out about our sexuality together. Just gay men, though. No lesbians. Lesbians are too disgusting and satanic for my Christian powers. I can’t do anything for lesbians. The idea of two vaginas together makes me want to vomit. I can’t even look at one vag. Nature never created anything so horrifying as a naked female human. So, sorry, lesbians, I can’t do anything to prevent you from going to Hell. But gay men, just ring my door bell. We’ll light some candles, pour some wine, and see where the night of prayer takes us. So if you’re closeted gay and worried about getting coronavirus cause of your gay-ness, I’m here for you. Because I’m 110% straight. Alright, everyone, I’m going to start licking now, so get out your Bibles, turn to Psalm 119, and read aloud from there with your neighbors until I get to your palms and lick all the way up to your elbows, at which point you can head out to the lobby and enjoy our complimentary refreshments.”

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(Picture courtesy of bertknot.

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