How Does Music Help You Connect with Others? — A Discussion with Roshni Mohith Subbarao Follow Dec 17, 2019 · Unlisted

Mohith: I was curious to hear about your thoughts on music in terms of its ability, or maybe lack thereof, to connect with others — friends, family, strangers. I find that music is interesting in that it can be a very introverted activity but also very extroverted either through something like concerts, playing music in cars, or just discussions with friends about favorite songs or artists. Not sure what your relationship is like with music, but curious if it’s more introverted or extroverted, or some mix of the two?

Roshni: Hmm yeah I definitely think it’s a more extroverted activity for me. I think there’s two parts to it though — from a discovery perspective, I rely on recommendations from other people to drive a lot of what I find and listen to. And then I look into those artists myself and find more of what I like.

When it comes to sharing though, I think that’s where it’s much more vulnerable, but leads to more connection with other people. I often find sharing music to be revealing a part of myself because I have such a deep connection with music. And to share music with others means that they understand me better and we almost have another form of communication with each other when we continue sharing music.

Even with my family, music is a core activity in how we spend time together — so I’ve grown up with it being something shared rather than personal. The only time I listen to music by myself is when I’m cleaning or commuting.

Mohith: Ah, that’s really fascinating. So when you share music, is that music that you’ve found by yourself? I’m just wondering in what way music sharing may become vulnerable if you’ve got it recommended by friends in the first place.

Roshni: Yeah typically it’s what I’ve found by myself. I think it’s especially music that I resonate with. But honestly any music, regardless of whether I found it or not, if I’m sharing it with someone, there’s always a feeling of vulnerability. I think music can often describe who you are in a way that you haven’t ever articulated to yourself or someone else. And in that way, sharing music is sharing this piece of yourself. I feel like I get that feeling when someone looks really deeply in my eyes — that’s how I would describe sharing my favorite song to someone else.

Mohith: Wow that’s beautiful. And very very true.

What part of the music sharing feels vulnerable? For me, since I listen to a lot of Hip-Hop and RnB, where songwriting is huge, it is knowing the other person is hearing the lyrics and knowing that I connect with the lyrics which may be about something really deep or vulnerable like depression, existentialism, or some type of social commentary.

And to your point, so often, especially when I was younger, I feel like music understood me in ways other things or people couldn’t, and sharing that is allowing someone to try to understand me in that same way.

Roshni: Yeah I think lyrics are often the way people connect with the same music. For me, I don’t really listen to lyrics as much, so I think the music itself calls back to a certain period of my life and the feeling I had when I first discovered the music. So if another person likes the song, it may not even be for the same reasons. But it kind of serves as an opportunity for me to share when I discovered it, how I discovered it, and what phase of life I was in. We don’t have to share the same experience necessarily, but the music just serves as the avenue to share that memory with someone else.

Mohith: Mmm that makes a lot of sense. That’s super fascinating too because that feeling music brings you back to is so powerful and ineffable because you just have such a strong mix of memories, thoughts, and mindsets associated with that period. It’s interesting because it may be difficult to ever fully articulate that feeling but music can be that avenue like you said.

In that sense it’s another form of communication for someone else to better understand and connect with you. And like any communication, it can be super vulnerable. So when you bring the mix of instrumentals, lyrics, and specific memories it’s actually quite vulnerable.

Roshni: Yeah definitely.

Do you feel like sharing music is vulnerable? Or what part of listening or analyzing or sharing music do you think is most vulnerable to you? If at all?

Mohith: You know I think my initial reaction is that I’m pretty comfortable sharing music because I do listen to a lot of music with myself and with friends. And I am often sharing music I really enjoy and I connect with, especially ones that are emotionally powerful. That being said, there is a subset of music that means so so much to me — either it has gotten me through tough times, distills who I am as a person in profound ways, or just has a strong memory association — that I think I am subconsciously more guarded about, without realizing.

And those songs often end up being the ones I do end up writing about actually which ends up being a vulnerable thing in itself. But I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings associated with certain songs and albums that just letting someone else listen to it sometimes doesn’t do it justice for me.

Because I think there’s also the fear of sharing the piece of music and someone else either just not getting it or understanding why it matters to you, or even belittling the connection.

Roshni: Ohh interesting. I wonder if it is related to this idea of fear of rejection at all. Like if you share a song with someone, and they don’t like it — how much of that feels like rejection?

Mohith: I don’t know if I’m as worried about someone not liking the specific song or album, because music taste is so subjective. But it’s more like — can you empathize and see me more as a human through this music without judgment and with acceptance?

But in general, what I have found is honestly just deeper connection with others.

Because the same way you can be vulnerable with words, you can be vulnerable with the music you share. And when people see that in you, it really humanizes you, and just creates a lot more empathy and support and depth of understanding.

I don’t know if this is an American thing, or a human thing, but people struggle to articulate to others what they feel out of so many fears. I find music is that way to bridge those fears and create connection. I’ve bonded so much with friends through the music we have shared with each other, and it’s allowed us to support us in a greater range of ways.

Sometimes when my friends and I have asked each other how we are doing and we honestly don’t know what to say — because we are going through it — we have sent each other certain songs.

Or there have been great trips and backpacking adventures with friends where we listened to really uplifting and inspiring music that gave us a sense of encouragement and shared bond in our respective journeys.

Or I’ve shared with my family more of the songs and artists I really love like Kendrick Lamar or Frank Ocean and they get a better understanding of me.

That’s a lot of examples but that’s all to say that sharing music has led to a lot of deep connection for me rather than a distancing.

Roshni: Yes definitely agree — I think I am quite selective about who I share music with or what kind of music I share with those people for many reasons (probably some assumptions), but especially relating back to the idea that they won’t understand or appreciate the music like I do. Although I have grown to realize it’s not so much about understanding the music, but more understanding me through the music. Which is strange because I don’t think I would ever say that a few songs really describe me or how I feel, but I think their vibe — for lack of a better word — describes my vibe.

Mohith: Yeah because I think while it would be nice for others to like that same music, that may be an unreasonable expectation because their natural music tastes might be different or they weren’t exposed to those types of musicians or they’re just a very casual musical listener. All of those things are fine. But if they know you, then whether it’s a song, movie, or book there should be a bridge for them to understand you.

Can you expand more on this “vibe” theme?!

Roshni: Hah yes. I think there are certain personality traits that I have that can be matched by the music I listen to [like] Travis Scott, DaBaby, or T-Pain when I’m feelin litty or getting a good workout in or [like] Tom Misch, Umi, or Jacob Collier when I’m cozy and want to sit inside and chat about thoughts and ideas.

Typically I share my litty music first because I don’t think it is a really vulnerable part of me to share but it takes me a while to understand the other person’s taste in music and who they are in my life to share the latter.

Mohith: Wow those are all definitely vibes. I suddenly want to be hype and cozy at the same time.

But that makes a lot of sense — sharing those artists almost is like giving another person a peek into your energy levels and general aura in certain situations.

Roshni: And I do listen to quite a bit of Indian music. Similarly, there are layers to that. If it’s just having fun or we’re driving around then I play some Punjabi music or some dance-y songs. But Hindi music hits me in the heart way more than any other music can. And sharing Ghazals or old Hindi music is home for me. Sharing that is the most vulnerable.

Mohith: Yeah I almost never share Indian music to people I know, to the point where I think people don’t even know I actually enjoy or listen to Hindi music from time to time. It is very vulnerable to share just because that goes right down to cultural roots.

Roshni: It makes me so grateful that we can have a connection with music that so innately and specifically means home. At least to me.

Mohith: You’ve talked a lot about how it’s vulnerable and scary to share these types of music. What is your experience like after you share this music? Do you find that it helps with deepening your connection to others?

Roshni: Yes! Music has definitely proven to be a driving factor in how I get closer to people. It opens so many opportunities with people — at a surface level, it will trigger more conversations just to send music. Then, [you can] invite each other to concerts. Then as you get closer, it allows you the opportunity to share more memories and experiences with each other that is related to the music you listen to. Music serves as the conduit from more superficial connections to deeper and more fulfilling relationships. At all levels of a relationship, it seems to serve some sort of purpose. Whether it’s the soundtrack to what you’re doing with someone, or the subject of your conversation.

Mohith: I love how music can bring connection to so many varying degrees, from something simple like sending a Spotify link to something much deeper like sharing one’s greatest fears, hopes, and identity through a love of a song, album, or artist.

I’ve been able to get that out of people I meet — from strangers on Reddit to childhood best friends.

It’s funny because music is so individual and spiritual to the specific person but also has this universal quality that can weave so many people together in such beautiful ways. As long as you’re willing to share the music that sits with your soul.

Roshni: Oh yeah the specific and universal quality of music is so amazing. Or rather how there is universality in the specificity — like an artist can make you feel this exact feeling you felt in a difficult moment, and then make you realize that everyone has those feelings and you’re not alone.

Mohith: Yes! And often the specific circumstances may be very different but the feeling can be universal.

I think about how Jay-Z — an African-American guy from the Brooklyn boroughs in New York — can make a hip-hop album that connects so much to a Indian-American kid in the Bay Area suburbs and a Chinese girl in Hong Kong and so many other combinations of demographics, locations, and time periods. And then each of those people can connect with each other through the shared love of said Jay-Z album. It’s such a magical phenomenon that makes my brain hurt a bit but also makes my heart swell.

Knowing that fact gives me inspiration to keep sharing the music I love and to not be scared to be vulnerable, because that’s what going to lead to a greater connection to the world around us.

Roshni: Ah yeah definitely! Such a comforting feeling and really speaks to the idea that we’re all humans experiencing life together.

Mohith: Music is one of the best reminders of that.