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Donald Trump loves to rally. He may actually love rallying more than he loves KFC original recipe, being smacked on the ass with a rolled up Forbes magazine and watching migrant children being ripped from their families.




Despite the fact that he’s already won the White House (with the help of Russian oligarchs), the president still takes his thot ass to rallies to reportedly try and drum up support for Congressional members seeking re-election, but let’s be serious: the president loves playing to a crowd of his supporters. He thrives on it. It feeds his megalomaniacal ego.

On Thursday, the president set out on a vengeful mission to ruin Montana Democrat Sen. Jon Tester, who apparently got on the president’s bad side when he adamantly and openly criticized the president’s nomination of White House physician Ronny Jackson (the white doctor with the black name) as Trump’s top pick to run Veterans Affairs.


Because the president is petty AF, he literally held a rally just to prevent someone who opposed his VA nomination from getting re-elected. Also, because the president suffers from a near-fatal case of “with the shits” and bitch-assness , he went way off script or forgot what the fuck he was talking about and starting railing on everything from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s heritage, the #MeToo movement, Rep. Maxine Waters’ IQ and flat out calling several former Ohio State University wrestlers liars for accusing Republican U.S. Rep. Jim Jordan of overlooking their sexual abuse claims while a coach at the university.

Trump continued his attacks against Warren’s claim that she’s part Native American and recycled his racist slur, calling Warren “Pocahontas,” CNN reports.

Then, as if someone turned on the dim light in the dusty attic where Trump’s brain used to be, he began jokingly to apologize.

“I want to apologize. Pocahontas, I apologize to you. I apologize to you. To you I apologize,” he said. “To the fake Pocahontas, I won’t apologize.”


Because Trump is an asshole and an asshole is going to asshole, Trump went on to speculate that if Warren ran against him in 2020 that he’d toss her an ancestry kit to prove her Native American heritage. And because Trump is an accused sexual predator, he used the moment to take shots at the #MeToo movement.

“We’ll take that little kit and say, we have to go it gently because we are in the #MeToo generation, and we will very gently take that kit, slowly toss it” to her, Trump said, according to CNN. He added that he’d off her $1 million (Russian oligarch money) to “show you are an Indian.”


“I have a feeling she will say no,” he added.

After learning that she’d become the impetus for Trump’s speech, Warren tweeted that she’d punch Trump in his face and knock his teeth out Casanova 2x’s style .


“Hey, @realDonaldTrump: While you obsess over my genes, your Admin is conducting DNA tests on little kids because you ripped them from their mamas & you are too incompetent to reunite them in time to meet a court order. Maybe you should focus on fixing the lives you’re destroying,” CNN reports.

Considering Trump just hired former Fox News executive Bill Shine to head his communications staff and bearing in mind that Shine was run out of Fox News for failing to properly handle sexual harassment claims, one would think Trump would avoid all this talk about sexual harassment.


Well, one would be wrong AF.

Trump not only poked at the #MeToo movement, he straight up said that he doesn’t believe several young men who claimed that during their time with the Ohio State University’s wrestling team, they were sexually harassed and that Rep. Jim Jordan, who worked as a wrestling coach at the university, not only knew, he did nothing to stop it.


“I don’t believe them at all,” Trump said of the sexual-assault allegations. “I believe him,” CNN reports.

And because Trump was on a roll working his racist, xenophobic, sexist base into a lather, he took a moment to attack U.S. Rep. Maxine Waters’ IQ.


“Democrats want anarchy. They really do. And they don’t know who they are playing with, folks,” Trump said. “I said it the other day, yes, she is a low IQ individual, Maxine Waters. I said it the other day. I mean, honestly she is somewhere in the mid-60s. I believe that.”

And with his mission accomplished, Trump turned into a glowing, red flame, hopped on his blazing pitchfork and rode the crowd, smacking hands with the 53 percent of white women who watch Handmaid’s Tale and hate fictional white slavery and who marched for women’s rights wearing pink pussy hats but voted for him anyway.