NATICK, MA—Entirely unbeknownst to him, 45-year-old local resident Timothy Lang stood on the threshold of an exciting new phase in his life Monday as he typed the phrase “tender lump on neck” into Google’s search bar, sources reported. The simple act of entering the particular set of search terms into his internet browser and pressing the return key on his laptop is said to have suddenly opened a fresh new chapter in the man’s life, one that will soon introduce him to dozens of strangers and scores of novel, indelible experiences, while also fundamentally changing his relationships with friends and family, and leading him to make major alterations to his lifestyle. Further reports indicate that the split second between when he finished typing and the moment his search results appeared onscreen would be the last time Lang recognizes himself as the person he is now, as core aspects of the local bank manager’s very identity will, according to sources, begin to undergo immediate and significant transformations. At press time, Lang was reportedly searching the phrase “tender lump vs. tumor,” an action ironically intended to stem the onrushing deluge of profound life changes, but which will only serve to greatly accelerate his entry into the next phase of his existence.

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