Washington D.C.—

In a daring midnight mission last night, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan climbed atop a horse and rode through wealthy Georgetown neighborhoods shouting to the residents that “The Millennials are coming!”

The ride lasted just over two hours, and Mr. Ryan’s late night rhetorical advisory inspired many annoyed letters this morning to the editors of several local D.C. newspapers and also the producers of local television news stations.

The following is a transcription of a recording a resident managed to capture while Mr. Ryan stopped outside his apartment building shouting about Millennials’ nearing political dominance:

“Everybody wake up! The Millennials are coming! The Millennials are coming! We have to act now! Very shortly they will be the voting majority of American politics! We have a very limited time to ruin the rest of America’s safety net and democratic institutions before they take over! The kids are all so liberal, we’re screwed! Screwed I tell you! These Millennials don’t want to die from gun violence or preventable diseases or tainted water or a ravaged environment or climate change disasters, and they’re ruining everything we conservatives have worked so hard for in our efforts to create an aristocracy of wildly and gratuitously undeserved and psychopathically hoarded wealth we can bequeath to our douchey rat fink children! We have to squeeze the last ounces of conservatism out of America’s elderly and dying Baby Boomer generation before the most liberal generation in American history takes over and starts treating all people fairly, equally, and with dignity! We conservative white males will be screwed and all our societal privileges will be yanked away from us and replaced with racial and gender equality! It will be a hell on Earth where gay people will be allowed to be happily married and free from public harassment; where minority employees in shitty job industries will make a livable wage and be respected for their labor; where evolution will be taught in science classes unencumbered with militantly ignorant religious objections; where the goal of lowered abortions will be pursued with free contraception and adequate sexual education instead of slut-shaming teenage girls! Trust me, it will be terrible! So wake up everyone! The Millennials are coming! The Millennials are coming!”

Then Paul Ryan rode off to the next town.

(Picture courtesy of Donkey Hotey.)

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