The Ultimate Guide

To

Becoming

A

Boatswain’s mate

BY BM1 Sam Burnside











Forward:



As many have heard the story of creation, God rested on the seventh day. This is true. He needed to rest for his next creation. As a long poem goes on to tell of how awesome Boatswain’s Mates are I will just get down to the meat and potatoes of it, because as a Boatswain’s Mate I keep it simple. Direct quote and last verse of the poem goes “They can make a dozen rates, but only GOD can make Boatswain’s Mates.” So as the powers that be who edited the good book, left out the eighth and ninth day when the Almighty created arguably the best creation, Boatswain’s Mates.















Scholars believed that DiVinci had painted Adam, but recent findings concluded this was the first Boatswain’s Mate.

















Table of Contents









Chapter One………………….……Recognizing Your Inner Boatswain’s Mate



Chapter Two……………………....Instilling Fear into Others



Chapter Three…………………….Good Ol’ Fashion Ass Chewin’



Chapter Four……………...............The Art of Yelling



Chapter Five……………………… Facial Expressions/Body Language



Chapter Six……………………….. Silent Orders



Chapter Seven…………………….Ridicule



Chapter Eight……………………..Discontent for Other Rates



Chapter Nine……………………...Knowing Everything



Chapter Ten………………………Repetitive Questions



Chapter Eleven………………...… Sea Stories



Chapter Twelve………………..… Silence IS Power



Chapter Thirteen………………… Stealth Mode



Chapter Fourteen………………… Knives



Chapter Fifteen…………………... Painting Perfection



Chapter Sixteen…………………… Coffee



Chapter Seventeen………………... Mustaches















Chapter One:

Recognizing Your Inner Boatswain’s Mate



Have ever found yourself suddenly angry, power hungry, disappointed in others, or having an unusually high opinion of yourself? These are some tell-tale signs, there is a Boatswain’s Mate fighting to get out. Do not be alarmed. Letting your inner Boatswain’s Mate out is probably the best single thing a person can do. However not all people have this in them that is why they go other rates. The transformation is nothing like a scene from ‘Aliens’, a beast will not just rip through your body and release havoc upon the world. The transformation is much like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon or a flower blossoming. It is a beautiful transition……for the person being transformed. It is a horrific sight for others. The sight of your recent transformation will be akin to that of the releasing of the Kraken for those who are not Boatswain’s Mates. This “horrific” sight will be the new you, reborn with crossed anchors and a mindset of doing no wrong, ever. Your vocabulary will change. You will use more colorful words to describe your displeasure to or with others. Your family and friends will notice the change an undoubtedly approve. Yes, recognizing and releasing your inner Boatswain’s Mate is crucial to the betterification of all personnel below your towering prestige.



The Kraken was the first non-human Boatswain’s Mate









Chapter Two:

Instilling Fear into Others



Fear is the biggest tool in a Boatswain’s Mate tool bag. Without fear Boatswain’s Mates could not be, and without Boatswain’s Mates fear could not exist. When folks, civilian or otherwise, find out you are a Boatswain’s Mate they immediately are taken aback and deep down inside weep for their mommies. This should be every non-Boatswain’s Mate initial reaction. If this is not their initial reaction you are talking to a fellow Boatswain’s Mate. Having your subordinates always on the lookout for the emotional explosion is key to the keeping of good order and discipline. Also having those beneath you ever guessing whether or not you are pleased with their work will insure without having to micro manage that things are being done correctly and up to our unquenchable satisfaction. However, micro managing is a sport Boatswain’s Mates play out of shear entertainment, and also helps instill fear in those who aim to please us. Chapters three through eight will break all of this down for proper execution of instilling the FEAR.









Staring out at the Great Blue Yonder, this old Boatswain’s Mate contemplates his next move.











Chapter Three:

Good Ol’ Fashion Ass Chewin’



The trusty good ol’ fashion ass chewin’ is a staple for every Boatswain’s Mate to know, love, embrace, and exercise. This is the single greatest and fastest way to instill fear in those you mean to rule. When a new Boatswain’s Mate encounters their first situation for which an ass chewing is warranted, they should feel like the Grinch when his heart grew three times and broke that frame in which a Damage Controlman clearly welded it because it broke. But instead of our hearts growing, scientist have recently discovered Boatswain’s Mates have no hearts, a set of crossed anchors that are in its place will grow five times, breaking any frame ever created. The release of such an ass chewing should be felt by every Boatswain’s Mate within a two nautical mile radius and heard by everyone within three. Ass chewings are authorized for any situation no matter how minute the matter is. When in doubt, scream it out.









Clearly the work of a Damage Controlman







.





Chapter Four:

The Art of Yelling



Merely shouting “Hey you, dummy don’t do that.” will not suffice. Yelling is a true art form mastered almost exclusively by Boatswain’s Mates. When commencing in this verbal martial art, do not be afraid to mix up words, use the wrong words, and make up words that don’t exist, or use two sets of words that contradict each other. The louder, the angrier, the more incoherent you can sound the better. This will immediately put the subject off guard and listen to what you are attempting to say. They will be fixated on your words, because if you’re doing it right, nothing you say should make any sense. Here is an example conversation/scenario on how this should go.

A seaman is cleaning the boat with the wrong brush and is taking too long.

BM: “What the hell are you doing?”

SN: “Well Boats, I was…”

BM: “Don’t interrupt me! Who’d the hell you think you are, a God d@mn, Master Chief?! Who taught you how to clean a boat?! Sure wasn’t your momma, trying to get all that splickitysplack off with that brush! You’re the dumbest, over educated moron on this side of Tim Tebow’s bible verse face paint! Get back to work and quit wasting your time college boy!”



In this example, the relevance of his education level or his work ethic is irrelevant.





No Boatswain’s Mate ever loses his ability to yell.

Chapter Five:

Facial Expressions/Body Language



Facial expressions are almost as important as yelling techniques. Studies have shown body language is more powerful than words. Since Boatswain’s Mates are one of the most powerful beings on Earth, we are masters of this as well. The key principle method of using facial expressions is controlling your mouth. Eyes should be covered by sunglasses almost all the time, even in low light areas. A Boatswain’s Mate never smiles unless it is right after he/she has emotionally destroyed someone or if they hear the word “beer”. There are three facial expressions that are important, the Frown, the Snarl and the most intimidating the Straight Face. The straight face expresses no emotion, you become like an Autobot. Nothing fazes you. This will keep those of lesser grade or rate guessing to which type of mood you are in. This confusion will help drive the fear you desire as talked about in chapter two. Another thing to use is body language. This body language is restricted to the head, shoulders, and arms. The arms should remain folded across your chest. Your head shall never nod in agreement unless conversing with other Boatswain’s Mates. The best practice for this is to observe someone working and stand there motionless; arms folded, sunglasses and cover on, straight face, and very slowly shake your head from side to side with displeasure. Even if whomever you are observing is correct in their actions this will surely double check their work if they are in the presence of a staring Boatswain’s Mate.

















Perfect example of the Crossed Arm You should feel like you morphed into

Straight Face a wolf for the Lip Snarl

Chapter Six:

Silent Orders



Silent orders are one of the hardest types of order to master as a Boatswain’s Mate. The real masters of this craft are Chiefs, Senior Chiefs, and Master Chiefs. Their beady scowling eyes say everything that is required. A silent order is made by simply staring at something in view of a subordinate and showing some form of displeasure. This could either be a simple dirty look, a head shake, a finger swipe across an object, or even a huff. True a huff is not silent, but it is not a vocalization of a word therefore it qualifies. Huffs and gruffs are used to gain attention so that you may not lower yourself to actually speaking to someone of lesser stature. Words should only be used by Boatswain’s Mates when in the process of chewin’ ass, yelling, ridiculing, asking repetitive questions, telling sea stories, and when conversing with other Boatswain’s Mates. An example of the most impressive use of the Silent Order was recently unearthed by ‘National Geographic: Did Boatswain’s Mates Build Rome?’ in their January 2012 edition. Researchers debunked the myth that Rome wasn’t built in a day citing from ancient text “As the Master Boatswain looked upon the land, his minions gave rise to a new city. Silently he pointed to where and which building would be placed and they built his city before the sun lay to rest.” Some may think this is impressive, but this is typical of the raw power silent orders can generate.



The word Gladiator translated from Latin means Boatswain’s Mate. During the Games, Gladiators or Boatswain’s Mates would slay lesser rates such as Machinery Technicians, Storekeepers, and non-rates for the amusement of the masses. Interesting fact from the University of Rome, not a single Boatswain’s Mate ever died in the arena





Chapter Seven:

Ridicule



Ridicule is the fuel that keeps a Boatswain’s Mates’ fire raging. Dubbed as “being an asshole” by other rates, ridicule is used as a quality control measure to insure that a mistake by others will never be made again. There two forms of ridicule, Public and Public. Confusing huh? That’s the point. The first public ridicule is made in front of others who work for you at the workplace. The second is done in front of the general public. Ridicule at work can take place at anytime and anywhere and is highly encouraged. The second is generally done when someone, such as a break-in coxswain, is trying to develop boat handling skills at a crowded marina for example. If you are ever in doubt of whether or not ridicule is appropriate, rest assured it is.



Below are three examples of ridicule.



A seaman attempting to make up a bit by throwing line around it

BM: “What the hell are you doing? That’s not how you make a bit! Do you think you’re a cowboy? Save that for the rodeo Tex. You know what, why don’t you go wrassle up some vittles for me and my posse, dumbass.”



A Machinery Technician attempting to more a boat

BM: “Good God man. If you fixed engines like you drive boats we’d both be out of a job! Get out of that chair and go clean up some oil, bilge rat!



A junior Boatswain’s Mate breaking in coxswain moors the boat to a pier and is seeking approval

BM: “Yeah, that was a good job considering if this was an emergency that victim would have died, slow poke! Christ, I have to go shave again because it took you a week and a half to move the damn boat ten feet! Get out of that chair and watch how it’s done son.”





It has also been disgusted that Boatswain’s Mate are cannibalistic, for we eat our young. This is true not in the literal sense, but is true is the sense that constant verbal abuse is required to build a Boatswain’s Mate.





An old sketch of a Boatswain’s Mate ridiculing his subordinates. Circa 1453AD



Chapter Eight:

Discontent for Other Rates



It shall be known for all time that you either are a Boatswain’s Mate or you work for one. As a Boatswain’s Mate you are required by law to have discontent, disregard, and a general disrespect of other rates. For they were not worthy of becoming a Boatswain’s Mate they must be treated as miscreants and fools. Because a Boatswain’s Mate is so great he divvies out work to those who will grovel at the chance to be near one. A Boatswain’s Mate’s discontent also occurs from the ineptitude of other rates to do their own bidding or work. Boatswain’s Mates often have to tell Yeoman, Storekeepers, Operations Specialist, Machinery Technicians, Damage Controlmen, Food Service Specialist, Gunner’s Mates, and Maritime Enforcement Specialist how to do their jobs. As you can imagine this is annoying. Other rates such as Electronic Technicians and Information Technicians shall be referenced as the ‘Geek Squad’. They torture themselves enough with Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft, therefore any adage to their internal destruction is unnecessary. Also, at no time ever will a Boatswain’s Mate ever associate with any rate from the aviation field. Simply put they are all morons with a death wish. A Boatswain’s Mate takes comfort in knowing there are more planes in the ocean than there are boats in the sky.





How “cool” does aviation look now?









Chapter Nine:

Knowing Everything



Since being a Boatswain’s Mate is already half the battle of knowing everything, here are the ways you get the other half. Other rates see us as being the all knowing rate, which we are, continually seek our guidance. When they ask us questions that we do not know the answers to, don’t take the easy way out by looking it up for them. Make something up. How do birds fly? They wing it. This sets you up for an opportunity to yell at them later on for not knowing something, the fact that you may or may not have led them astray is irrelevant and their own fault for not putting in the effort to find out for themselves. Boatswain’s Mates are always sure of their responses because typically they are never wrong, and by typically I mean all the time. The only time a Boatswain’s Mate can be proven wrong is by another Boatswain’s Mate who is superior to them. If you are that superior Boatswain’s Mate your word and knowledge are as good as gold. Molding young Boatswain’s Mates turn learn these techniques, is paramount to the highest traditions set forth by the rates founder, God.



An actual account of a senior Boatswain’s Mate teaching a junior about how to know everything



BM3: Hey Boats, how do you always have the answers to everything and know so much?

BM1: I just make sh#t up half the time.



End of lesson.



This is what the typical question asker looks like.







Chapter Ten:

Repetitive Questions



The only thing more fulfilling than a good ol’ fashion ass chewin’ is asking repetitive questions. Asking the same question multiple times to the same individual will put them on edge and make them eventually question themselves thus making them ask you a question about how to do whatever it is they are doing. This mental assault on others keeps a Boatswain’s Mate’s mind sharp and keen for any changes to his environment. This incisive inquiring will no doubt get under the skin of your subject, and more than likely will prompt the subject to retaliate with verbal combat. If this happens, joy to the world, you get to have your cake and eat it too. Commence with good ol’ fashion ass chewin’ to put the subject back into his/her rightful place.







Here is an example of this process



A hull painting project in progress



BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”

SN: “Yes.”

BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”

SN: “Aye-Aye”



5 minutes later



BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”

SN: “Yes.”

BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”

SN: “Aye-Aye”



5 minutes later



BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”

SN: “Yes.”

BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”

SN: “Aye-Aye”



5 minutes later



BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”

SN: “Yes.”

BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”

SN: “YOU ALL AREADY TOLD ME THAT!!!”

BM: “Watch your mouth junior! Who do you think you’re talkin’ to! I gave you simple instruction, NOW do what the f@#k I told you to do!!! And if I hear another word out of your moth that ain’t AYE-AYE, so help me God, I will end you!!!!!!!”

SN: “Aye-Aye”



Walks away laughing



As the above has shown, this is the proper way to handle a verbal insurrection.





Chapter Eleven:

Sea Stories



Since the Boatswain’s Mate rate has been around since the beginning of time, most of our history has been passed through the generations in the form of oral history or Sea Stories. As a Boatswain’s Mate every situation you encounter should have a correlating sea story to accompany it. Boatswain’s Mates are obligated to share the long version of any sea story when the time presents itself. If one sea story leads to another then another, so be it. Every sea story shall start with any of the following words “There I was” “Oh yeah, well” “No sh#t, this really happened” “Back at my last unit” “When I was on the”. This will let your audience know to get comfortable because it’s going to a while. If a Boatswain’s Mate tells another Boatswain’s Mate a sea story, the other is obliged to either interrupt with his own story or one up the other story. This process may take hours until a victor is crowned and/or liberty piped. Boatswain’s Mates are hyper-competitive by natural so there will be a winner. Remember, much like ridiculing, there is never a bad time for a sea story.







Example of a Sea Story



“When I was on the HARRIET LANE, it was all of 18ft seas and 50kts of wind out of the northeast when we left Bermuda. Non-rates puking over the side like a bunch of pansies. I just sat on the foc’sle drinkin’ my coffee and lit a cigarette with no problem. I tell you what, it stormed like that for four days, didn’t feed the fish not once. I had to take the watch for two days straight cause everyone was sick. What a bunch of………………………………..................”



And so on and so on and so on



Chapter Twelve:

Silence IS Power



When a Boatswain’s Mate isn’t invading the eardrums of an unsuspecting victim with his tales from the days of old, he uses silence to say it all. When approached by a subordinate who asks you a question, just simply stare at him/her silently until they leave. Your telepathy will tell them to find someone who cares. When a new member reports in, preferably someone who is fresh from boot camp, have them sit in your office in a corner chair. Pretend not to notice them for at least fifteen minutes, if you become really good at this you may actually not notice them…for days. It is essential to assert yourself as the dominate one. While the subject is sitting in a corner chair, feel free to egress the office securing the lights and grab a cup of coffee. When you come back, this is when you break your silence. Ask them either “When did you get here?” or “Why are you in my office?” or both. This confusion will cement your dominance over the subject by making them feel unworthy to be in your presence, which unless they are a Boatswain’s Mate. If a Boatswain’s Mate is transiting a passageway, others believe this when a Boatswain’s Mate is at their most vulnerable. This is of course false; a Boatswain’s Mate is never vulnerable. However, the others do and this is when they try to ask the most questions. It is your responsibility to keep moving as if you did not hear them. Also when a Boatswain’s Mate is toiling the day away at a desk, and is approached with remedial questions, simply use a “Shoo Fly” wave, and they should scurry away.











If they would only let us have these signs.





Chapter Thirteen:

Stealth Mode



Stealth is a tool no Boatswain’s Mate should be without. Your ability to silently sneak up on unsuspecting prey and dispatch them verbally is very important. If you can magically appear from seemingly nowhere and surprise a group of non-rates who are slacking off you win twice. I say twice because now you get to issue a good ol’ fashion ass chewin’. Once you make a sudden appearance it is also important, but not as important as the arrival, to have a stealth like disappearance. This will leave your targets baffled and confused on how a person can just appear and disappear without anyone noticing. Little do they know you are not a person anymore you are a Boatswain’s Mate. Remember the transformation from Chapter One?



Little known fact, Boatswain’s Mates were observed by Northrop Grumman’s Research and Development program on how to convert a Boatswain’s Mate’s natural stealth technology and use it on the B-2 Stealth Bomber for the USAF.

















Chapter Fourteen:

Knives



Simply put knives are cool. This one of the few actual tools a Boatswain’s Mate carries and/or sleeps with. A Boatswain’s Mate forged the first knife from the femur of an Operations Specialist some 40,000yrs ago. Boatswain’s Mate have been wielding them ever since. Invented by Boatswain’s Mate’s and made popular by Boatswain’s Mate action films such as ‘Rambo’ and ‘Crocodile Dundee’, the knife can be used for anything, including threatening, cutting, slicing, and trimming moustaches and fingernails. A Boatswain’s Mate shall retain a ludicrously sharp edge on the blade at all times.







The Operations Specialist who sacrificed his femur for the first knife ever created had his leg removed by a Boatswain’s Mate for waking him up at 0230 for a green flare sighting case. The fossil record showed that the same Operations Specialist was also the first person to be slain by a knife.













Chapter Fifteen:

Painting Perfection



Boatswain’s Mates take pride in everything they do. Painting is at the very pinnacle of this. World renowned painters like Van Gogh, Monet, and Rembrandt have nothing on the skills necessary to paint a boat that a Boatswain’s Mate possesses. Every Boatswain’s Mate is a master painter. From birth a Boatswain’s Mate is given a paint brush with no instruction on how to use it. It is not necessary; a Boatswain’s Mate is born knowing how to paint. During a paint project, Boatswain’s Mates gather like moths to a flame. This can be quite a sight. Since every Boatswain’s Mate is a master painter, they all think the other cannot paint and that they are the best. These battles are fought over who is the best until all non-rated personnel finish the project and there is nothing left to discuss.















Seen here non-rates finish painting project, while Boatswain’s Mates (not pictured) ridicule, share sea stories, drink coffee, critique the non-rate’s painting skills, and talk about how good they can paint.











Chapter Sixteen:

Coffee



Coffee, the nectar of the gods. A Boatswain’s Mate cannot function properly without coffee. A Boatswain’s Mate must retain 3:1 mix of coffee to blood to keep him from going absolutely crazy. There are many ways to have coffee Regular, Black, and Midwatch Brew. Regular is using the prescribed amount in the coffee maker in accordance with manufacturer’s instruction, poured in to a cup with sugar and cream. Black is done in the exact same method using no cream whatsoever, sugar optional. Now the Midwatch Brew. A favorite amongst Boatswain’s Mates, for this use two to three times more coffee than manufacturer’s specifications and let it sit brewing for a minimum of two to four hours. This coffee should be thick, bitter, and strong enough to wake the dead. Boatswain’s Mates coffee ration should be regulated to two to three pots per day. Over caffinenation of a Boatswain’s Mate may result in longer than normal work days, longer than normal sea stories, and restlessness.



Coffee was created by combining the tears of a Food Service Specialist, the shrieks of a Yeoman, and the fear of Seaman. Early Boatswain’s Mates used these ingredients to make a tasty stimulating drink. Boatswain Mitch Coffee was the inventor of the drink in which it is named. Boatswain’s Mates from ancient Columbia cultivated the first coffee beans in the mountains and later sold the plantation to a Mr. Juan Valdez, so that the Boatswain’s Mates could focus on other things like drinking it.









Chapter Seventeen:

Moustaches



Nothing screams Boatswain’s Mate like a moustache. Typically seen on the silverbacks of the rate i.e. BMC thru BMCM, the moustache is a harbinger of doom and desire. Moustaches are seen in many shapes and sizes, all are awesome. If a Boatswain’s Mate cannot grow a moustache it is encouraged to at least pretend that you do. A moustache is not just the most authoritative piece of body jewelry one can wear; it is a symbol strength, honor and general badassness. Each Boatswain’s Mate is highly encouraged to grow one and maintain a moustache in such a way that there is no mistaking your profession. Once at the Chief or above level it is required to have a moustache.







