AS 8 per cent of the population knows, the Greens elected a new leader this week — or rather, to be fair, a committee of new leaders who report to a rotating convener who reports to a citizens assembly who reports to the membership who reports to the upper-middle-class proletariat who reports to the United Nations who reports to Moscow.

Or at least that is as much as we can gather because, unlike Paliament’s other capo-fascist pigdogs, we really have no idea about how the Greens go about anything

Fortunately in yet another extraordinary EXCLUSIVE, I have managed to obtain the transcript of the Greens’ top-secret meeting in which leader Christine Milne resigned …

CHRISTINE: Comrades, I have decided to step down as Leader.

ADAM: What do you mean, Leader? That’s a bit hierarchical!

SCOTT: You’re the Deputy Leader.

ADAM: Yeah, but that’s only because I’m subverting the dominant paradigm.

LARISSA: By acknowledging the dominant paradigm you’re reinforcing the capitalist hegemony.

ADAM: No, I’m reclaiming patriarchal power structures.

RACHEL: That is so sexist.

LARISSA: Don’t you mean genderist?

SCOTT: Because he’s a man?

ADAM: How dare you define my identity type!

LARISSA: Typist.

SCOTT: Sorry.

LARISSA: Apologist.

ADAM: Look, getting back to the leadership, can I just point out I’m the only one here who’s won a Lower House seat.

SCOTT: Hang on, Adam, “winning” is an inverse negative concept. We prefer the term “social de-equalisation”.

LARISSA: Yeah, that’s a bit elitist, individualist and classist.

ADAM: How can I be classist? I’m a Marxist.

LEE: That’s nothing, I’m a Stalinist.

SCOTT: I thought you were a Leninist?

RACHEL: That’s a bit McCarthyist.

JANET: I love Lenin and McCarthy. Didn’t they write Revolution?

ADAM: I love that song but I can’t figure out if it’s populist or pacifist.

LARISSA: That reminds me of my favourite Swedish writer.

SCOTT: Who’s that?

LARISSA: Lindqvist.

SCOTT: Is he a poet?

LARISSA: Novelist.

SARAH: Hey guys, did anyone catch Sea Patrol last night?

JANET: Did she just say “guys”?

LEE: Sexist.

RACHEL: Sexist.

LARISSA: Genderist.

SARAH: But what about the show?

RACHEL: Racist.

ADAM: God, I hate racists.

LARISSA: Monotheist.

SCOTT: Tony Abbott is so racist.

LARISSA: Racist.

SCOTT: Attacking Islamic State.

LARISSA: Racist.

SCOTT: Trying to give Aborigines jobs.

LARISSA: Racist.

SCOTT: Turning back the boats.

LARISSA: Reverse racist.

SCOTT: I can’t believe the Greens are the only party that embraces multiculturalism. I mean, where else would you find such diverse names as Ludlam, Milne, Waters and Rhiannon all in the same room?

LARISSA: Yes, Scott, it doesn’t matter whether your name is Hanson-Young or Whish-Wilson, you’re welcome in our party.

ADAM: Although that Di Natale guy — there’s something not quite right about him.

SCOTT: Oh, that reminds me Adam. There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you …

FOR SOMETHING LEFTIST, RIGHTIST AND OFF-PISTE, WATCH JOE ON STUDIO 10 FROM 8.30AM WEEKDAYS ON CHANNEL 10