On Being “Uber-Gay”

Trans Women and Sexual Orientation

Picture your average trans woman for a second. Got her in your mind’s eye? Ok, good. Now, take a second to picture the sorts of people she has sex with. I’ll wait.

Ok, got it? Sweet.

Photo by Annette Sousa on Unsplash

If you just imagined a tall woman with a strong jaw and a penchant for dresses that has sex exclusively with men, congrats. As far as pop culture and the prevailing societal narrative is concerned, you are correct. However, in reality, you are very, very wrong. And, while your ideas about what the average trans woman looks like and what she wears are inaccurate, a lot of your mistake actually ties back to who society has told you the average trans woman has sex with.

Society pushes all sorts of misconceptions about trans women.

However, many of these misconceptions have their root in one long-lasting misconception: that trans women are essentially just “uber-gay men.” Or, at least, that trans women “used to be” uber-gay men — that’s the marginally less offensive version. This misconception has a long history that others have covered far better than I possibly can. Still, without going into it too deeply, this misconception is tied up in:

past gate-keeping practices that forced trans women to express sexual desire exclusively toward men before they were allowed access to medical interventions;

pop-culture representations of cisgender gay men as stereotypically feminine — even more feminine than your average woman (see traditional examples of drag etc.);

the undeniable overlap between trans and cisgender gay history and identities (for example, Marsha P. Johnson and many self-styled “queens” during the Stonewall era);

the heterosexist idea that being a “real” woman means being attracted to men and vice versa; etc.

In fact, the misconception that trans women are or were “uber-gay men” is one that is so deeply ingrained in our society that a significant part of self-discovery and coming out as a trans woman is about confronting and dismantling this misconception. This is true for all trans women regardless of whether they presented as gay men in the past or whether they are exclusively attracted to men. That said, queer (in the broad sense of lesbian/gay, bi, pan, queer, asexual etc.) trans women are often forced to confront this misconception on a day-to-day basis due to the reactions of others when presented with a trans woman who “doesn’t fit the mold.”

We are the unicorn pegs that do not fit into the round hole of societal expectations.

When presented with queer trans women, most people express confusion. In my personal experience, this confusion is often expressed as follows:

“How come you don’t dress more femininely? You know, dresses, makeup, etc.? Don’t you want to be a girl? Don’t you want to be feminine?” “No, I agree that leather jackets and Doc Martens are cool, but why dye your hair such a crazy color? You’re never going to get a boyfriend looking like that.” “What do you mean you’re ‘queer?’ I thought all trans women were straight.”

You might think I’m embellishing a little, and I am. But really? Not that much. I have gotten this exact response — delivered more politely, and more obliquely — multiple times. And, even when I don’t get it, I can see the shock and confusion in someone’s eyes when they find out I’m trans and I don’t fit their preconceptions of trans women — particularly when it comes to sexual orientation.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

This is because the vast majority of people are weirded out by trans women who don’t fit neatly into the “uber-gay man” inspired niche that society has carved out for us. They don’t know what to do with us. We’re an unknown.

Some people seem to recognize this fact, and use their discovery of “an outlier” as an opportunity to learn more. This response is unequivocally better than not engaging, or invalidating the person perceived as an outlier. However, even this sort of “innocent” curiosity isn’t without its problems. After all, it often results in trans women being asked all sorts of invasive questions.

The most frustrating part of this sort of curiosity, at least as far as I am concerned, is found in one, seemingly innocent question:

“How many other trans women are ‘like you?’”

Sounds innocent enough, right? However, in my experience, the people who ask this question don’t really want the answer. They don’t care about the truth. They just want you to confirm their preexisting idea of the average trans woman as a current or former “uber-gay man.” They want you to tell them that you’re an outlier, and maybe even be embarrassed by it — because that would make them more comfortable.

But of course, there’s an issue with that. Queer trans women are not outliers. Not even close. We are the majority.

The average trans woman is queer as fuck, and we have the data to back it up.

Back in 2015, The National Center for Transgender Equality conducted a survey of transgender people living in the United States. The survey asked all sorts of questions about trans folks’ lives and experiences in the United States. Nearly 28,000 people completed the survey, which makes it one of the largest surveys of trans folks ever done. As such, I strongly suggest that you read the survey report, released in 2016, over at the US Trans Survey website.

However, one part of the survey report that’s relevant to our discussion here is found on page 59. As part of the survey, respondents were asked which sexual orientation best describes them. Their responses to this question are summarized in Figure 4.28: Sexual Orientation — which I have embedded below. The graph breaks out the responses of self-identified crossdressers, non-binary folks, trans women, and trans men.

James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2016). The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.

Picking out the results of just those that identified as trans women, we have:

6% identify as asexual;

20% identify as bisexual;

27% identify as gay, lesbian, or same-gender-loving;

16% identify as pansexual;

6% identify as queer per se;

19% identify as straight/heterosexual;

and 6% identify in a way that was not listed.

Adding up all the trans women who do not identify as straight/heterosexual, we can see that 81% of trans women identify as queer in the broad sense of the term. Eighty. One. Percent. So, queer trans women are hardly an outlier. In fact, you are far more likely to meet a queer trans woman than a straight trans woman. Straight trans women are a significant chunk of our community, but they are far from the majority.

If society’s misconception that the average trans woman is or was an “uber-gay man” were true, we would expect the exact opposite. We would expect the vast majority of trans women to identify as straight or heterosexual. But, they don’t. And, even when we take into account the fact that a trans woman’s sexual orientation occasionally shifts/changes throughout transition, given the strong skew toward queer orientations in the population, the average trans woman is far more likely to have presented as straight/bi/etc. before transition than she was to have presented as a “gay man” — uber or otherwise. At which point, it makes little sense to think of the average trans woman as if she is or was an “uber-gay man.” The data simply does not support that belief.

Further, by thinking of trans women as “uber-gay men,” we only serve to perpetuate harmful messages about trans women that have little basis in reality.

These messages are harmful to all trans women, even those who presented as gay men before coming out and who identify as straight now. This is partly because these messages are tied up in bigoted nonsense, and partly because they are just plain inaccurate and mislead people.

For example, the “uber-gay man” narrative is a significant enabling factor in the dangerous and cissexist belief that trans women were or are “men” in some sense. This can be seen in nearly all depictions of trans women in the media until relatively recently. Whether by directly conflating trans women with drag queens, or through more “modern” depictions of trans women as the butt of a joke or as sex workers, the media routinely codes trans women with stereotypically “flamboyant gay male” traits. This is obvious when it comes to older depictions of trans women and drag queens as essentially the same thing.

Tim Curry as Dr. Frank N. Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show

However, to this day, trans women are frequently depicted with multiple “tells” that invoke stereotypes of gay men. For example, they are given flamboyant gestures and postures, “effeminate” speech patterns etc. These “gay tells,” along with references to various physical traits, are used to inform the audience that the woman being depicted is “actually a gay man.” This then sets up the humor or embarrassment that comes from a cisgender male character being attracted to her. Along with this, trans women are almost never depicted as queer, nor are they depicted as desired by other women. Instead, they exist solely to entice cisgender male characters and leave them feeling repulsed by how “gay” it is to be attracted to a trans woman. In this way, depictions of trans women almost always push the the message that trans women are “actually gay men.”

Outside of the media, the “uber-gay man” narrative has been weaponized against trans women by people like Ray Blanchard and J. Michael Bailey. Blanchard, a “sexologist,” put forward a typology starting in the 80s that broke trans women into two groups:

type one transsexuals (“true transsexuals”) who present as gay men before transition, and who are stereotypically feminine; and

type two transsexuals (“autogynephiles” ) who present as anything other than gay men before transition; and who are really just sexual deviants.

I’ve talked at length about this typology, it’s impact on me personally, and it’s impact on the community in my piece “A Letter To Anne Lawrence.” However, as it pertains to the current discussion, Blanchard and others leverage his typology to reinforce the idea that “real” trans women are “uber-gay men,” and to discredit and malign the trans women who vocally disagree with this idea— the majority of whom are not straight, and are not as likely to have presented as gay men in the past.

Regardless of the context, the narrative that trans women are “uber-gay men” has hurt the community by misleading trans women who are still in the closet as to what “real trans women” are like. In doing so, it has caused a significant number of trans women to delay seeking treatment, and has only served to reinforce other transphobic and cissexist notions of trans women by tapping into society’s rampant homophobia and misconceptions regarding cisgender gay men that flow from that homophobia.

Attacking this misconception is a necessary component of any attempt to address the transphobia and cissexism embedded in our society.

Eliminating something so ingrained takes significant and sustained effort. This is particularly difficult given that many of us do not have direct control or influence on the things that need to change. However, pushing for better and more accurate representation of trans women in pop culture (media created by — and featuring — trans women), and supporting efforts to educate people about the fact that real life trans women do not fit the “uber-gay man” stereotype, are a good place to start.

However, if for some reason you’re still trying to figure out where to start with all of this, I hope that you will at least commit to one small act of personal rebellion. The next time you imagine the “average trans woman,” imagine her as an uber-gay woman (in the broad sense of gay/lesbian, bi, pan, asexual etc.). That’s statistically closer to the truth, anyway.