Art by Valerio Schiti and Richard Isanove

Name : Fabio Medina

: Fabio Medina Code Names : Goldballs

: Goldballs First Appearance: Uncanny X-Men #1 (Feb 2013)

Uncanny X-Men #1 (Feb 2013) Powers : Shoots Gold Balls out of his body

: Shoots Gold Balls out of his body Teams Affiliation: X-Men

About

I was sitting at my computer getting ready to write this article and my dad asked “who are you doing this week?” I started chuckling to myself and replied, “Goldballs”. He paused for a moment and had to know more, what were his powers? Are the balls attached to his body? Why would someone do this? I just sat there laughing, I told him of my fondness for Fabio as he just muttered “Goldballs”. The greatness of the idea began to dawn on him, “Even for X-Men that seems silly, you got the Doop, you got the slughand guy, or slug body, Maggott? Goldballs? Now he should have a standalone comic!” That’s the beauty of what Brian Michael Bendis and Chris Bachalo created, a character that elicits an immediate emotional response and make you realize what kind of fan you are.

Fabio Medina was a high school kid in San Diego working at corndog on a stick when his mutant powers manifested. Perfect gold spheres shot out of his body, bouncing with a distinct POINK! The mutant population was even more distrusted than usual after five of their kind succeeded in taking over the world for a short time. The local police attacked him but they were interrupted by the appearance of mutant revolutionary Cyclops and his team of Uncanny X-Men. Quickly the danger was elevated as Sentinels appeared and began attacking the mutants and Cyclops rushed his team, Fabio in tow, to the safety of their base in the abandoned Weapon X facility.

Art by Chris Bachalo and his army of inkers

Fabio was excited and scared about this new ability, the new reality of his life. He wanted to leave to see his family but is fellow new recruit Triage rebuffed him saying there was no home from them anymore. When Fabio tried to fix the situation, Triage shot back with the insulting nickname of Goldballs and Fabio prayed it wouldn’t stick. It would. They traveled to Australia first to protect Eva Bell’s mother and Goldballs was faced with the one of the only things that could top the day he already had. Fabio and his fellow run away, revolutionary X-Men were caught in a standoff with the Avengers. The escaped but Fabio’s day got worse when he stumbled into a Danger Room simulation because he was pushing all the buttons he could find. But his day, Fabio’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day was still missing the feather in its cap. Magik’s powers began to act erratically and she sent the school to hell.

Art by Chris Bachalo and one of many inkers

The Dread Lord Dormmamu was making a play for control of Limbo and manipulated Magik into doing his bidding by attacking the X-Men with his Mindless Ones. Fabio, having been running a corndog on a stick cart that morning, was appropriately freaked out and useless in the fray. The Stepford Cuckoo’s used their mental manipulation to overwrite his fear and Goldballs charged into battle. The X-Men were victorious but the battle scared Fabio, he was done with his day as an X-Man, he just wanted to go home.

Art by Frazer Irving

The X-Men sent the boy back to his home in SoCal. They told him that not every mutant is meant to be an X-Man, but they all had a responsibility to make the world better than they found it and to be proud of their gifts. Fabio rushed inside, unaware of the SHIELD agents watching his every move. His parents had been worried sick and saying that he had spent the day with an alleged terrorist didn’t do anything to alleviate the situation. As tensions rose in the house Dazzler, Agent of SHIELD, burst in, demanding that Fabio tell her where Scott Summers was. She took him under custody but underestimated her former friends. Cyclops was tracking Fabio and rescued him from the helicarrier. All Dazzler had done was make Goldballs realize that the X-Men were the only home for him now. He trained with the X-Men, even becoming comfortable with Goldballs was his codename and earning the respect of his fellow X-Men. He realized his potential during the Battle of the Atom when the future version of Deadpool freaked out meeting him. Goldballs would become a legend.

Art by Frazer Irving

Goldballs continued to grow in his abilities as he trained at the New Xavier School. On a surprise mission to the hyper-evolved land of Tabula Rasa, Fabio took charge to protect his fellow classmates and got special commendation from Cyclops for his valiant efforts. The training couldn’t last forever, though. After the last will and testament of Charles Xavier was read, Cyclops reached the peak of his revolutionary mental breakdown and closed his school. Fabio did not take the announcement well and attacked his teacher, knocking the veteran mutant out cold. He followed Dazzler and the rest of the students when they attacked Mystique for using Dazzler as a Mutant Growth Hormone farm. There he realized that being a hero, goofy spandex and all, felt good. The kids decided that even if Scott Summers wanted to quit they wouldn’t and set out to be heroes of their own.

Art by Chris Bachalo and his inker friends

The kids rescued a school from a rogue mutant and their escapades were caught on film. The next morning, Fabio awoke to some very unexpected news. Goldballs had gone viral and he was one of the most popular superheroes of the moment. Interviews, magazine covers, endorsement deals, Goldballs stock was rising even if his secret identity was blown away. His parents were being interviewed on national television when they let slip a detail they thought everyone knew, Fabio was a mutant. The tide turned quickly and the next time he went out in public, Fabio Medina was nearly killed by anti-mutant bigots. Goldballs had lost his luster.

Art by Valerio Schiti and Richard Isanove

Goldballs went to the Jean Grey School to continue training but his previous experience in Limbo soured him on the idea of relocating there with the school. He moved to New York and enrolled in a regular high school again, the same high school as Miles Morales. Fabio wasn’t shy about his powers, he had nothing to hid at this point, which drew the attention of Miles best friend Ganke. Ganke looked up to Goldballs because he was a minority superhero with a bigger body type. Ganke tried to convince Miles to become best friends with Goldballs (a noble goal), but Miles resisted. Ganke took initiative and spilled the beans about Miles being Spider-Man to Fabio, who all things considered took it well. Miles stormed off in a huff and Ganke asked Fabio to room with him and Miles. Goldball is going to become Spider-Man’s best friend and join the A-List of the Marvel Universe. The future is golden.

Art by Sara Pichelli and Justin Ponsor

Must Read

Goldballs had been a main character in two whole runs (and one of those is just one issue), which makes this a challenge. The issue where he visits his family and comes out as a mutant is great but I think the real winner is Uncanny X-Men #35, the one where Goldballs gets famous. Disregard the cover, it is 100% unrelated, but dig into a story about the rise and fall of the most glorious mutant in years. Schiti’s art is perfect to show Fabio’s explosion into super stardom and Bendis’s back and forth between character is as good as ever. Pick this standalone issue up on Comixology or Marvel Unlimited, you won’t regret it.

Art by Kris Anka

Ranking

Now comes the part where I make some people really, really angry. I don’t think I have hid how much I love Goldballs. The humor and enthusiasm he brings is exactly what the X-Men needed. Bendis found a way to keep the joke fresh without ever attacking Fabio as a character. There is a weird middle section of goofy but great characters that I think Goldballs falls right into. He is pretty comparable to Glob Herman but I enjoy Fabio more (though to be fair Lemire is doing fabulous work with Glob at the moment is Extraordinary). You can also easily compare him to Maggott but I think we all know where my loyalties lie on that one. Strong Guy is the next easy comparison and I think Guido loses out here because he has done things as a character that really rub me the wrong way. That brings us to Boom Boom and Apocalypse. En Sabah Nur is arguably the most important mutant on this list, but he really works better as a concept than a character. Boom Boom has shown more depth to her character than Fabio, while being almost as fun. That’s why Goldballs is going to slide right between them as the new number 10 in the Xavier Files.

Goldballs was requested by /u/Drebinomics (writer of the fantastic Who the Hell is? column on Nerditis). Thanks for the request, it was as good as gold. If you want to cut to the front of the line, we just started a Patreon if you want to support it and get a line cutting reward. Our first goal is only $15 and it gets rid of those ads and makes the hosting for Xavier Files entirely reader supported.

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Click here if you want to see the full ranked list, with links to every entry in the Xavier Files so far.

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Next week we dig into the tangled mess that is the 3rd Summers Brother, Vulcan. See you then!