Will Ferrell in “Kicking and Screaming”

This is the sixth post in a series entitled Why I Quit Teaching in Private Schools.

This is the low hanging fruit on the list, but to skip it would be somewhat irresponsible (and I would miss the therapeutic benefits of writing it.) We have all heard the terms: helicopter parents, snowplow parents, overprotective parents, tiger mothers, etc.

Point of clarity: some of the best humans I have come to know have been private school parents. It is such a treat to meet level headed, supportive, smart, and constructive parents who want to partner with schools to optimize their child’s learning and development. Working with such folks can be one of the most rewarding parts of the job. During my sixteen years in independent schools, nothing warmed my heart more than when a delightful set of parents would say, “Tell us what you are seeing at school and let us know how we can support the work you are doing.” Even if these people had some concerns about a teacher or class, I always remained open to their feedback; we were partners in the ever-evolving and challenging task of raising a good child in a complex world.

We were bookends on a child’s life, both on the same page, collaborating and communicating regularly to make sure a young person was supported, nudged, and challenged. It was a team approach.

With this said, what takes up the majority of a private school administrator’s or dean’s time (think 85/15 rule) is the high-maintenance, sometimes megalomaniacal, minority. We have all heard the stories or experienced first-hand the nightmare fringe whose members can make our work in education almost unbearable.

Interestingly, research tells us that private school teachers hit the eject button faster on the teaching life; they are twice as likely to leave teaching in the first five years, according to the U.S Department of Education.

We all have our stories in the trenches: a mother knowingly helps her son plagiarize; the parent who verbally attacks a guest judge who is presiding over a speech contest; a father’s attempt to bribe his son’s way into a selective school trip; threats of legal action by a family because their daughter is suspended. I have even ejected a father from a middle school basketball game for physically threatening a referee!

Dirty Secret: Though only a minority of our parents are members of the mega-fringe, those parents dominate administrative and teacher attention. Additionally, because many parents have come to see themselves as paying customers (rather than clients purchasing a service from professionals), demanding their every whim, concern, or question be attended to immediately, working in private school has become a hefty amount of public relations. And, because so much time and energy goes into managing these members of the school community, leadership has very little time to devote to what matters: improving teaching and learning, knowing each student, and innovative curriculum design.

What the heck is going? I have some less-constructive theories, but after reading article after article about parenting today and talking to a handful of some of my favorite clinical psychologist who specialize in kids, one word seems to come up time and time again: fear. Simply put, some parents are so fearful that their child might not make it in the world, or even scarier that he or she might not be “special,” that they are willing to do ANYTHING required to have them make it: lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, bully, threaten, or even bribe, among other scandalous actions.

On a personal note, my wife and I have observed close friends who have “lost their way” in regards to parenting. Because we both teach and administrate in private ed, we have more than once found ourselves struggling to keep our feet planted in both camps, parent/friend and school representative. Tragically, for a couple years when I was a full-time administrator, we just decided to stop attending parent and social events; getting cornered by a member of the megalomaniacal fringe was just too likely.

Sample from Christmas party cornering: “Though I am not the kind of mom who ever calls the school to complain or anything (note: it happens every year), I was wondering what you are going to do about Mr. X’s math class? You know the highest grade on the last test was a B- and that is not what we pay for, you know. A bunch of us are really frustrated.”

It is my humble opinion that schools need to draft anti-bullying and proper behavior policies for parents, and have them sign enrollment contracts that clearly stipulate what is appropriate behavior for adults. These parents need boundaries (and, more importantly, good ones appreciate guidelines) and consequences just like their children. Paying tuition does not guarantee concierge service, though it seems that every year the stories get stranger and more unbelievable.

If you don’t believe me, go down to a private primary school and ask a teacher about what parents are like now. You will hear some comically tragic stories, including parents who want pictures and update emails sent on a daily basis from their child’s teacher. Schools must remain committed to using the “client model” versus the “customer model.”

The megalomaniacal fringe hurts our school cultures, drives away great teachers and families, and sets horrific examples for children in the community, especially their own. Is it any wonder that the children of mega-fringe are often the most difficult, damaged, and hurting?

“It’s so sad,” suggests psychologist Michael Ungar in Psychology Today, who heads the Resilience Research Centre at Dalhousie University. “The point of parenting should be to grow a child who is capable of taking on adult tasks…It is always better to empower children to make good choices for themselves rather than having them remain dependent on parents to sort out problems for them.”

If you want to know what happens to these kids, check out Amy Jones’s article inThe Washington Post titled “How Helicopter Parents Are Ruining College Students.”

There is a link there. I know it. And…I promise you; the situation is not getting better.

Next up: Reason #7: The Corporatization of Schools: Politics, Hierarchies, and the Rise of the Boardroom Culture