Lost Erotic Fanfics of 90’s Alternative Rock

Featuring fascinating — and sexy — pairings of your favorite grunge stars. A Savage Beast exclusive report.

Recently, researchers in the urban Northwest unearthed a page torn from an unknown zine. The mysterious document lists the titles and brief summaries of popular erotic fan fictions circulating among 90’s alternative fans, most likely on Usenet groups, music boards, and band list-servs. While the full texts of these creations appear to be lost, this discovery gives us new insight into the minds and sexual proclivities of those ancient, flanneled people.

The text is reproduced in full below.

Typical illustration from a “Bamesy” fic.

“Steaming Hott Fics ‘98”

Mellon Cuddles & The Infinite Snuggles

The tragic tale of Billy Corgan and James Iha’s doomed romance, as told by Iha’s beloved dog Bugg. Features a dream sequence where bald Billy makes love to long-haired Billy. The author previously won a “Bamesy” award for writing the best Billy/James slash fic of ‘96.

You Were Meant for Me, And I Was Meant for Satan

Opposites attract when Jewel and Marilyn Manson move in together, but soon, her desire to “fix” her lover’s bad behavior leads to a strain on their newfound bliss. Rob Zombie is sad that his friend — and first crush — Mari isn’t allowed to hang out anymore.

Bush in the Bush Gavin Rossdale goes on the prowl at Lilith Fair, and the Indigo Girls are looking to try something new. Meanwhile, Joan Osborne has a crisis of faith after she does a lot of cocaine; Suzanne Vega talks her down during an epic cuddle session.

The Queerest of the Were (or, I’m Only Happy When You Don’t Speak)

Gwen Stefani is a werewolf. Shirley Manson is a vampire. Together, they must kill the mummy queen, Courtney Love. But on the way, a funny thing happens: they bang.

Everdong

A mopey Dave Grohl threatens to ruin the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s annual Christmas orgy, until Eddie Vedder convinces him to open up emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Nevermind, Keep Blowfishin’

Hootie is conflicted about his feelings for Rivers Cuomo, but the ghost of Kurt Cobain tells him it’s ok to be himself.

Elegant Bachelors

Tensions flare when Scott Weiland “accidentally” gets his Vaseline on Stephen Malkmus’s mic at Lollapalooza. Can a rakishly unbuttoned dress shirt reconcile these natural frenemies in the wild? Not if Billy Corgan has anything to say about it!

Nine Inch Nailed

Trent Reznor reveals the meaning behind his band’s name when he asks Baby Spice to dominate him.

Grind Against the Machines

Zach de la Rocha grows insecure when Tom Morello discovers the joys of the Sybian, until he remembers that no machine can rage like the human heart.

Poppin’ Off

John Popper is ready to love his body the way God made it, dammit — as soon as he gets a big furry tail attached to it. [Ed. Note: This story is also one of the classics of Thundercats fan fiction.]

Trompe le Mound

Kim/Kim at its finest, as Deal and Gordon find each other in a forest of douchebag noise rockers. Also, there’s a reason they call a white guy Black Francis.

Lollapasplooga

Anthony Kiedis attempts to organize a massive on-stage orgy at a festival, but everything that can go wrong, does go wrong! Flea finds a way to make his friend feel better.

Fake Plastic Squeeze

Thom Yorke’s crush on Christina Aguilera is finally requited, but he’s crestfallen to discover that she’s been artificially augmented. Once again, an intense experience with modern technology leaves him high and dry.