LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

Bottle-os are the latest business to be hit by mandatory purchase limits after the general population realised a roll of toilet paper would never get them pissed enough to tell old stories about punch-ons.

It’s pretty grim in the sporting landscape right now so our Desert Rock FM Stablemates Hello Sport are here to help you get through the quarantine. Have a listen here:

The law prohibits more than a single purchase of two cases of beer, two cases of premix and 12 bottles a wine per transaction, angering former PM Tony Abbott who cannot believe “citizens will be made to buy only one day’s worth of grog at a time.”

And the Onion King is not alone.

Fans of V8s such as gearhead Luke Schroeder is appalled to learn that the rules that desecrate his sacred races will now be forced upon everyone.

“This is how it starts,” stated Schroeder to the young bottle shop worker who would really rather be at home not risking infection right now.

“Next thing you know I’m gonna have to bring my spare tire in to sneak in a coupla singles.”

According to Schroeder, these Draconian laws are simply giving Australians a chance to experience the blatant discrimination faced by V8 fans, only this time there’s hardly a Holden in sight.

“Forgive us Brocky, this is not what you gave your life for.”