Rape-defending former congressman Todd Akin, to what do we owe the pleasure? The Missouri Republican, now in his second trimester of unemployment, gave an interview to a St. Louis television station in which he was asked whether he regrets publicly distinguishing between less rape-y rape and legitimate rape—the latter being something that will take care of itself on its own because “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down” and the former, we guess, being an excuse for streetwise trollops to fill up their frequent-abortion punch cards and get an 11th abortion free at the cost of the God-fearing American taxpayer.

Akin said “of course” he wishes he had never said that (certainly out loud and in public!) and has “relived” the incident “many times.” So sorry is he that he is considering fixing the “lack of Todd Akin in Congress” situation the only way he knows how: running for office again. “I don’t rule anything out. . . I consider it a bright new future and I’m interested to see what the possibilities are.”

He added: “All of us are fallible—say things the wrong way.” However, top medieval scientists like potion-mixers and leech farmers have shown this to be false: If it was a legitimate gaffe, the white male body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. If it was an illegitimate gaffe, the white male body will just have to live with (and raise) that gaffe for the rest of its life.