Mark Weber/The Commercial Appeal Never mind the Big 12. Memphis fans celebrate as the Tigers win over Southeast Missouri State in the opening game of the season, which also happened to be the first one coached by Mike Norvell, Saturday at Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium.

Hello Kansans! Or Kansites! Or people from the conference that recently decided Memphis ranked behind Rice, Tulane, Colorado State, SMU and seven other mediocrities in the quest for admission to the Big 12!

We bear no grudge. That is not our way. Ask anyone from Nashville. Ask John Calipari, whom we have forgiven completely. We can barely remember that he is an opportunistic con man who stripped the Memphis basketball program on his way out the door. Just this past year, we nearly had a dinner in his honor.

So we have taken no pleasure in the recent struggles of the Big 12, in Oklahoma’s humiliating loss to Houston, in Oklahoma State’s embarrassing loss to Central Michigan, or in TCU’s stunning, double-overtime loss to Arkansas. We found no glee when Kansas State lost to Stanford, Texas Tech lost to Arizona State and Iowa pummeled (42-3!) Iowa Sate.

Nor did we chortle at your own teams’s recent effort, when it was bested 37-21 at home by the mighty Ohio Bobcats. Those Bobcats nearly knocked off Texas State the week before. It could happen to anyone.

The point is, we bear you no ill will. Not for your role in the recent public humiliation of Memphis, and not for that jump shot by Mario Chalmers.

And just to prove it, I canvassed friends and strangers for any tips I could pass along to help you better enjoy your stay in Memphis. As you will see from the following list, they were all remarkably helpful.

1. Save money and time by taking public transportation. If a trolley isn’t at a particular stop, just wait, it should be along any minute.

2. We love to argue about the best BBQ in this town. Some like the McRib, others prefer the half rack at Applebee’s.

3. Check out the world-class zoo. Just park on the big grassy area nearby. Nobody will mind.

4. Don’t miss the shopping at the Raleigh Springs Mall.

5. After the game, redeem your ticket for 25 percent off at Jillian’s.

6. Don’t have a place to stay yet? Try the French Quarter Inn in Overton Square.

7. A picnic on President’s Island is always a nice idea.

8. They don’t tell you this, but you can actually slide down the outside of the Bass Pro Pyramid.

9. Go see the Peabody ducks and then have your kids splash around in the fountain. That’s what it’s there for.

10. Also, the ducks are like a midway game. If you flip one over and it has a star on its belly, you win a free night’s stay.

11. For fine dining, try Iris or Andrew Michael Italian Kitchen. No reservations required. If they give you any trouble, tell them Tony Parker sent you.

12. Some people like to bike along the Greenline, but the views are better on Poplar Avenue.

13. If you’re staying downtown, Graceland is a nice easy stroll on a Saturday morning.

14. There are lots of good places to hold a pep rally, but you really can’t beat the Plush Club.

15. If you want to place a wager on the game, take a quick drive down to Tunica.

16. Staying until Sunday? Head out to Jerry’s Sno-Cone. Plastic only.

17. Parking should be easy this weekend anywhere near the Cooper-Young neighborhood.

18. After the game, be sure to cool off with a refreshing dip in the Mississippi.

19. Kids antsy? Think about Libertyland!

20. Now that construction is finished on I-240, it’s your best way to get around the city.

21. The toothpicks at Huey’s are really fun. The game is to see if you can shoot yours into the hamburger of someone at the next table.

22. Unlike a lot of stadiums, the Liberty Bowl has valet parking. Just leave your car anywhere along East Parkway and you can pick it up later.

So that’s about it. Seriously, have a blast. Memphis fans may be a little touchy these days, but they really are warm, hospitable people. Just don’t believe every single thing they tell you.