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EARTH’S leading lights were kind enough to share their New Year’s resolutions with WWN and we’re delighted to be able to share them with you, the filthy members of the public who aren’t good enough to be used as toilet papers by any of them:

“The end of one year, often gives hope that the year ahead can bring with it progress, cooperation and unity, all the things I fucking hate, so that’s why I don’t have a resolution” – DUP leader Arlene Foster

“Resolution? I resolve to do nothin’ about my descent into sporting irrelevance. If I reversed my fortunes like some sort of erudite and coherent chump, then I might regain some of the respect I pissed away,” – occasional UFC fighter Conor McGregor

“If I’m being honest with myself, I didn’t eat enough babies in 2017 and that’s something I’d like to change in 2018” – Ryan Gosling

“Hillary Clinton is a Russian Jewish paedophile spy who is a member of black Chicago gang that shoots white people” US President Donald Trump

“I don’t abide by the Gregorian calendar, so why don’t you dipshits ask me on Chinese New Year” – former president, current Kenyan Muslim, Barack Obama

“Have you ever eaten so much pizza you vomited through your nose? Me neither, but I’m hoping 2018 will be different” – music icon Beyoncé

“It’s hard to look at your life and I, eh, suppose, hope to improve somewhere, when, you’ve basically knocked it out of the fucking park in 2017” – Taoiseach Leo Varadkar

“It’s going to be a big, big, big year for me next year. I just hope my fans, who have been AMAZING, are as excited about 2018 as I am. Big plans ahead, watch this space. My resolution? To let more companies pay me to endorse a beauty product I never use because it’s cheaply made and complete shit” – Some young one from Instragram with 15 fucking million followers

“Well, eh, you’ve, now, you, you’ve asked me that question and I’m, I can, I’ll get someone, to, eh, answer that for you. If you just give us a little, ahem, time, to look into it, we, I’ll have an answer, gosh, by 2027 at the latest” – Theresa May

“Finish that Better Call Saul, everyone’s raving about it but I think it’s slow as fuck, oh and and completely destabilise the Western world through gaining further pull in the affairs of the Middle East” – Vladimir Putin

“It’s ambitious I know, but I want to learn how to smile” – Roy Keane

“I said I’d check on it in 2017, but then time gets away from you, but I’ll kick myself if someone finds it after a storm or something ya know?” – singer Nathan Carter, on the shallow grave he has buried 74 of his fans in.

“To finally become relevant again in the political affairs of the nation” – Micheál Martin