It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Loona – So What

Loona sending Blockberry broke? Don’t make me laugh. They’re so rich that they just fucking bought the most powerful man in k-pop and asked him to “Redvelvetize” Loona. Unfortunately for us, we got the “Zimzalabim” Red Velvet, not the “Psycho” Red Velvet.

Gfriend – Crossroads

People worried about the BigHit buyout of Source need not fear as this sounds not a bit different to every other recent Gfriend song, which isn’t a bad thing in itself, but it’s not the best version of this song you’ve ever heard either.

Gfriend – Labyrinth

On the other hand their album title track is different and genuinely quite good. It should have obviously been the feature track, but Source music don’t like taking risks with Gfriend it seems.

Everglow – Dun Dun

Actually not bad, and certainly a ton better than anything else they’ve come up with so far. This strikes me as the kind of song that (G)I-dle keep trying to do and completely fucking up at.

Everglow – Salute

Everglow’s other song however is a complete waste of time.

Cignature – Nun Nu Nan Na

The painful irony of a group called “Cignature” sounding exactly like everything else these days. Blackpink-lite right down to the song title.

Bvndit – Cool

And again. I guess “crappy Blackpink clone” is going to be the thing for k-pop girl groups for the next year or so.

DKB – Sorry Mama

Not that most of the boy music is any less languid and posey these days. Come on, pick up the pace a bit kids.

DKB – Elevator

Nothing special here either.

Episode – Open My Door

Some doors should probably remain closed.

Ikon – Dive

It’s just generic YG boy group sound, which normally would be dull but amongst all the trendy bullshit this week it feels like a breath of fresh air.

Ikon – Ah Yeah

This reggae-rap thing is actually stupid.

Platform Stereo – Mercury

Unusual, but also kind of dull.

Saay ft. Woo – Winter

A comically dramatic intro gives way to insipid jazz/R&B nonsense.

Lee Hongki – Mixtape

Calling your song “mixtape” is just confusing in a deliberately malicious way, like calling your pub-touring band “Free Beer”.

High Bro – Good Morning

Look at these fuckwits. I don’t mean the girl, I mean the guys on their instruments. They look like bogans who pretend to play guitar to mock people who play guitar. Go back to your local sports team, fuckheads.

G1nger ft. Jeebanoff – T Shirts

It’s like mumble-rap, but without the rap. Mumble-R&B?

Zene The Zilla ft. Kor Kash, Luka Lavish – S+FEcluber

That green colour scheme, always a warning sign of a shit rap song.

Hash Swan ft. Jamie – Teenage In Closet

What a great self-help video for k-pop idiots who can’t wash and dress themselves.

Vince ft. Zion.T – Emergency

It’s an emergency alright, just not the type of emergency they think it is.

Boy Kim ft. Choys – Song Of Memories

Shit ballads are actually in strangely low supply this week. Enjoy the respite while it lasts.

BamSooSung – #flower

This has an awkward look to it, like the cameraman doesn’t have consent to film this. I keep waiting for her to throw a bottle at the lens.

KittiB ft. Vincent Blue – 1718 Psycho

A good thing maybe could have been done with this track, but R&B warbling isn’t it.

Uneducated Kid – Drop Top

Imagine being so proud that you’re a dumb piece of shit who likes cars that you make a rap song about it.

Moonbyul ft. Punch – Weird Day

The song’s nothing special but looking at Punch is enjoyable. It’s just occurred to me that Punch is one of the most attractive people in k-pop. Having this song here really held up the writing of this post because I just remembered this now and went on a 30 minute Punch binge-watching spree. What am I doing with my life putting people who are not Punch on my bias list. Maybe the next one will be all Punch. If you can relate, and you need to cool yourself off after seeing Punch I now present to you the…

HOW BORING CAN MUSIC VIDEOS POSSIBLY GET SECTION

Taeg.E – Cat

Accurate song title of the week.

Jehee – My Golden Sky

Going to ban all stuff from here which is just someone shooting video on their phone out of the car or train window for the entire thing. Put some effort in, please.

Junjun – Monologue

Standing outside the car or train watching it go by really isn’t any better.

Ha In Ae – In My Window

This jazz cancer song is kind of a mixture of both with a few other random things like clouds and rain. Hang onto your seat.

Minu – Like Shoes Under The Curtains

I guess it really is “shoegaze”. Song’s pretty good actually.

Cadejo ft. Nucksal – Cyber Holiday

Hi, I just bought this computer from your store but when I do online shopping or Excel an extremely shit rap song plays, is this covered under warranty?

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Loona knows every song on Earth!

What’s the biggest strain on the senses – Loona’s “So What”, the girls’ light-speed chatter when they’re all in the same room together, or those t-shirts? You decide!

That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup! More next week!