The Oakland A’s once again failed to move on in the playoffs, despite another successful year in the regular season. They’re now 1-12 in their last 13 clinching games. What may Billy Beane have done to deserve this?

- Charged money to use the soda machine

- Refused to give that old woman with the glass eye a dollar for the bus

- Wished on a monkey’s paw for regular season success. And a sandwich.

- Told Jermaine Dye where he could stick it.

- Tried to recite ancient incantations, but accidentally got them backwards.

- Called Eric Sogard a “Four-eyed square.”

- After trying on a variety of humorous hats, looked at self in mirror, and, in moment of self disgust, smashed it, giving him seven years of bad luck.

- Said “The Oakland Athletics will win the pennant when Congressional approval ratings are sky high!”

- Should never have opened that mummy’s tomb.

- Tried to cover up a murder by stuffing it in O.co Coliseum’s sewage pipes. Hence the dugout spill and swarm of locusts that have blotted out the land.

- His smile is simply too bright.