No shy winks here. Go “Down the Rabbit Hole” for real thoughts from Jessica Rabbit about her very real sex life.​

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE — If you want the low-down of what you can expect from the dating scene in this city then look no further. Maybe you’re thinking about moving here or perhaps you’re already living here, but haven’t had a taste of the penis buffet that abounds. Worry not! This list will give you a good idea of what you’ve been missing out on and even give you a few pointers. Based on my personal sex-capades, I’ve come up with a list of 10 types of men in Bangkok you’ll probably end up dating or sleeping with sooner or later.

1) The Hi-So Man: This is the guy you see in all the shiny magazines like OK!, Prestige, 2Mag, Hello! and of course Thailand Tatler… not to mention all the social pages in the newspapers. Just be glad you weren’t photographed with him at some event and actually landed yourself in one of these pages because it’s more than likely he’s already married. Or divorced with a child and a live-in girlfriend. What I learned? It’s true, you can’t have it all. With money, good looks, and generations of family wealth, these hi-so men know nothing about sex and come faster than the luxury cars they’re speeding around with. It’s not that you want to be exclusive with these pansies… It’s just totally not worth angering their women friends because we all know how that ends.

2) The Bar-Owner: If you like to party then this is your man. Drinks are always on the house so you’ll be well-lubricated. Unfortunately, that’s probably the only thing that will lubricate you. The men who own bars/restaurants aren’t exactly the Brad Pitts of Bangkok. And if you end up getting into a long-term relationship with one of these buggers, buy yourself a vibrator and stock up on the porn. When he comes home at 6am there will be no sex, just a sloppy kiss laced with alcohol and some other finer things in life. Lesson: He’s not going to change his party lifestyle for you and he’d much rather play “host” to his friends over you any night.

3) The Model: If he’s a model then there’s a huge chance that he’s full of himself. I know there are exceptions out there because I was lucky enough to meet one, but he also had a small dick (hence, the humbleness?). The other model I was not-so-lucky enough to go on a date with spent the whole night talking about how crazy his exes were about him. One girl went as far as blaming him for cheating on her in her dream… Not exactly the kind of topic I like getting into on the first date. So we parted ways without doing the nasty and I was left feeling empty-handed with no bragging rights, wishing he’d just kept his beautiful mouth shut. Lesson: Don’t talk to sexy underwear models, just fuck them and leave. Might be a good idea to go for one of those European models who can’t speak any English.

4) The Artist: His works have been shown in one of the top art galleries in the city and everyone knows him because of his powerhouse fashionista girlfriend. You agree to a photo shoot at his place. He lives at home with his parents but that’s okay because it’s a huge piece of land and his “portion” is in a separate building. Anyway, he’s an artist who lived in a NYC apartment filled with rats at one point so there’s some depth in the superficiality of his current persona. As per the norm, you smoke up, listen to Bob Dylan, let him take photos of you naked and fuck. Lesson: You realize that you’ll never be able to truly appreciate his art or get over the fact that people rise to fame in Bangkok purely based on who they’re dating and what family they were born into.

5) The Country Boy: These guys are truly worth experiencing at least once. Whether it’s the naturally “tanned” fitness instructor or the good-looking masseuse at that shady parlor you went to, I think you should definitely treat yourself to one. They’re just crazy about foreigner women, our accents, our “look”, and overall attitude about life (and sex). Yes, we can seem a bit “loose” compared to what they’re used to but that’s exactly what they want, that carefree attitude about sex that most Thai women haven’t grasped yet – unless they’re getting paid for it (oops, did I say that out loud?). Lesson: Besides the fact that they’re built like prize-winning race horses (and hung like them too), these boys have awesome stamina and will worship you like a Goddess both in the bedroom and out in public. Don’t take them for granted and toss them aside too soon.

6) The Director: If you’re going to sleep with a director at least go for someone who’s actually worked on a film. TV commercial and music video directors are sell-outs who went for the easy money and have no soul, but if you’re just in it for the sex, then by all means go for it. All the directors I’ve slept with were pretty alright. They like to go big and then go home… to finish editing a reel or jump on a plane to film in Shanghai. Good thing is you get nice presents from duty free and you can order all the room service you want after they leave you at some fancy 5 star hotel. Lesson: Sleeping with a director doesn’t automatically mean you get you a job.

7) The Backpacker: You probably spotted him among the slew of people hanging out on Khaosan road. It wasn’t hard to talk to approach him and say hello. Let’s face it, people come here to get laid and on top of that – standards have been lowered on both sides of the playing field. You have a few cheap beers and “western” food that tastes nothing like the real deal, play a few rounds of pool, jump into the hotel pool after hours, make out heavily, and fornicate – in the water first, then upstairs in the bedroom. He’s on holiday, you’re the local so you show him around town for the next few days. You go home to grab an outfit and then end up buying more clothes and makeup from the roadside vendors, soon you look just like one of “them”. Before you know it you say goodbye to your Khaosan-fling and wonder how the heck you still have a job. Lesson: Sometimes sex can be totally and utterly meaningless.

8) The Older Guy: Even though you talk shit about all those ho’s sleeping with older men for money, you have to admit at some point in time that girl was you. Even if you didn’t do it for the financial security, you do feel secure being with him because he ain’t getting anyone younger than you! Plus, he has a house, a car, a steady income and for once you don’t have to split the bill on a date. It’s nice to be treated like a lady, but the truth is he’s treating you like the little girl that you are to him. He takes care of you and before you know it, all your life goals and aspirations have evaporated. Lesson: Don’t get sucked into living his life and forsaking your own.

9) The English-Teacher: We’re all guilty of this one. Don’t lie. There’s just too many of them here and they speak the common language, English. The odds are you’ve probably slept with an English teacher in Bangkok, even if you think you haven’t. He’s just the average guy with nothing striking about him at all. You probably picked him up on a night you were too lazy to catch the real fish. He has pasty white skin which he swears all the Thais love – and it’s true, no argument there. Staying inside a school building from 9am-5pm is not helping his look. You don’t quite know how he slipped through the cracks and ended up being another notch on your belt of losers you’ve slept with, and yet there he is, so bright he almost glows in the dark. Lesson: Just because a guy won’t break your heart is no reason to sleep with him.

10) The Gay One: It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, dating a gay guy is more common that you would think. In Thailand, your chances are even higher since it’s pretty much the gay sex capital of the world. The local fairies are often better dressed and more in shape than their straight counterparts so it’s no wonder some of us are attracted to them! His jeans may be tighter than yours, but they just show off his firm ass, right? He’s got on almost as much make up as you, so just be glad he left the lashes at home. You wonder why his family members keep wanting to see him plant a kiss on your lips at the dinner table… well, in this case they were dying for him to be straight! Lesson: Eventually the fag hag chapter of your life needs to close so you can move on to a dick that actually wants to enter you.

So there’s the shortlist of my sexual encounters in Bangkok so far. I think every girl should make a list of the good, the bad and the nasty. How else will we learn from our mistakes?

Read more awesome stories on Coconuts Bangkok:

PHOTO ESSAY: THOUSANDS DRAWN TO FAITH AND FLAME AT NAVRATI FESTIVAL

THE COCONUTS TV FULL MOON PARTY SURVIVAL GUIDE

THE FATTENNING OF THAILAND

THAILAND’S TOP 10 HOTTEST LADYBOYS OF INSTAGRAM

“BLONDE 2 BE WILD” WITH THAI GLAM-POP ICON GENE KASIDIT

SARA MALAKUL LANE TALKS LEAVING THAILAND TO FIND HER SEXY SELF

LOST IN PHONE REPRIEVE, WOMAN’S WORLD INVADED BY PETTY MALICE (VIDEO)

ENDANDERED COMMUNITIES: PRESERVING PLACE AT BANGLAMPHU MUSEUM

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DATED A HOT VIRGIN IN BANGKOK

THAILAND’S TOP 10 HOTTEST TOMS OF INSTAGRAM

MILLENNIAL INTERNET IDOL BECOMES HOTTEST MARKETING TEACHER EVER

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS HOT CHICK’S ‘BEFORE’ PHOTOS

Grove: Coconuts Brand Studio

Fast. Funny. Digital. We produce creativity that delights and influences customers. Join forces with us to slay buzzwords, rise above the noise, and sow the seeds of something great.