Bernie’s Policies Are Good, But How Can He Appeal to the Absolute Worst People Ever?

Since his bid for the Democratic Presidential Primary in 2015, Senator Bernie Sanders has found considerable popularity across the political spectrum, earning him the title of the most popular politician in the United States. I’ll admit, his policies represent a pinprick of light in the vast darkness of a crumbling American Empire, but how can he hope to appeal to decrepit weirdos and sociopathic cretins whose souls, upon death, will walk as a shadow-like mist, haunting the halls of orphanages?

In the age of Trump, the Democratic Party must maintain unity around a central goal: defeating Donald Trump. This means sacrificing all beliefs and commitments to anything other than being the enemy of the orange man. Thus, Democrats must uphold the sacred pseudo-science of electability over all else.

Okay, I’ll concede that Sanders’ policies are good. They’re really good. The majority of Americans agree that getting an education and not dying from preventable diseases are generally positive policy goals, but what about the Americans that don’t? How will a candidate like this earn the vote of completely hateable assholes, who want what’s worst for everyone? How can Sanders hope to tap into the aggressive, bizarrely psychosexual impulses of depraved lunatics whose prefrontal cortexes have been cooked at high temperatures while trying to negotiate the complex emotion of empathy?

You see, Democrats must be able to maintain a centrist character and appeal to creepy freaks who would sooner microwave a hamster than vote to improve our crumbling social programs. Look , are these people a small minority, who we could easily and inconsequentially ignore, instead of focusing on millions of disenfranchised, dispassionate voters? Sure, but this is the Democratic Party for chrissakes!

Indeed, one may “like” Sanders’ populist, pro-working-class ideology that has enticed — let me be clear — millions of struggling Americans, but being dragged too far left means losing the vote of cartoonish top-hat-wearing villains, phrenology-practicing conservative centrists, and Democrat-leaning billionaires residing on secret sex-predator-islands, whose only apparent mission is to make the biosphere collapse faster.

These are votes we simply cannot afford to lose.

This is why the only viable candidate is Joe Biden, who is currently in the ER after his left eyeball popped out and rolled across the stage and into the gaping, waiting mouth of the Abrahamic demon Moloch, who has been following him around since 1652.

You may now see why we must abandon all deeply held political convictions and instead focus on appealing to a minority of cruel, homunculus-like specters who emerge from bubbling peat-bogs, openly cheering on the suffering of man.