The Ashes, eh? Right, glad we got that out of the way. You didn't come here for the front-page headlines and frankly we'd be in a bit of a pickle if you did. Since reading in this morning's Guardian that "senior mandarins" have launched an attack on Labour, the Mill still hasn't been able to fathom when or why small oranges got so ornery.

Flipping over to the back pages (well, the pages just inside the back pages, anyway, or sometimes to the pull-out section in the middle), however, we were back in our element. Football's own small orange has been getting all defensive over the weekend – telling reporters that he has "never been on a sunbed on his life". Perhaps he'll feel more secure this morning after persuading Geovanni to sign a contract extension at Hull.

No one has ever accused Sir Alex Ferguson of frequenting a tanning salon to perfect his uniquely rosy skin tones, but his face may well darken a shade or two if Manchester United fail to bring in any more new faces before the end of the transfer window. After being snubbed by Wesley Sneijder, Ferguson has had another look at Real Madrid's reserve team and decided he will settle for Arjen Robben.

If it seems Ferguson has left his shopping a little late, then he's still got nothing on David Moyes, whose refusal to accept a penny less than £22m for Joleon Lescott means he now has one week to do all his summer spending. Moyes has already lined up a £10m deal for Lokomotiv Moscow's Diniyar Bilyaletdinov, but looks dangerously likely to indulge in a spot of panic buying. That's probably the kindest way to view his apparent interest in Philippe Senderos, anyway.

Like Everton, Aston Villa have not had the best start to the new season, which may explain why they, like Everton, are sniffing around Steven Taylor. Newcastle are said to want £6m.

Elsewhere, Manchester City have been working on a dastardly plot to bring Sylvinho back from the dead, West Ham are close to tying up a loan deal for Eidur Gudjohnsen and Milan have designs on the Schalke wing-back Rafinha.

Have your say on today's tittle-tattle below ...