Sex and Science

Oxytocin is often referred to as the love hormone.

Pump enough oxytocin through those veins and men won’t cheat, love won’t fade, everyone will trust each other, relationships will deepen to obscene levels of intimacy, and the entire world will turn into a giant communal love fest full of once-angry neighbors giving each other slow handjobs while they bare their souls over rosehip tea.

Beautiful. But bullshit.

Part of the reason it chafes my asshole when people slobber all over oxytocin like it’s the answer to the world’s relationship woes is because they completely miss all the sweet stuff oxytocin actually does. Oxytocin is a neurohypophysial hormone that functions primarily as a neuromodulator in the brain. It's directly involved in things like sexual reproduction and childbirth, maternal-fetal bonding, orgasms, physical touch, as well as implied roles in various social behaviors and interactions. Of course this one molecule isn’t going to save your fucked up marriage, but it will make your boobs spray milk through your shirt.

So, before we go balls deep in prairie vole monogamy, here’s a list of some of the shit oxytocin does that doesn’t involve squirting love-me-forever rose petals in your knickers every time you get the romance stomach cramps for some new slab of person.

Baby Removal . While important for cervical dilation during stage one of labor, oxytocin really fucking kicks in during the second and third stages of labor, driving those delightful uterine contractions that are so important for spurting out that kid you drunkenly made last Valentine’s Day. And when labor stalls out and the doctor has Mom-to-be mainline some pitocin? Yeah, that’s just synthetic oxytocin. Push!

The Milky Squirts . Oxytocin acts on the mammary glands and causes milk to move from where it’s made down into the subareolar sinuses. This “let-down” effect is a response to a surge of oxytocin, usually from infant suckling, and feels a lot like a boob cramp. It can also occur at inopportune times that do not involve infant suckling which is why there is a market for breast pads. Because no one wants to inadvertently sploosh breastmilk all down her shirt at the bank because someone else’s fucking kid wouldn’t stop crying.

Prepare the fetal neurons for delivery! The oxytocin surge during labor acts on the fetus’ brain, essentially silencing and protecting it from a lack of oxygen during delivery. It does this by switching the action of GABA neurotransmitters from excitatory to inhibitory, which is a bit like flipping an off switch.

The ethnocentric molecule? A 2011 Dutch study published in PNAS found that oxytocin promotes enthnocentricism and in-group thinking, making people less likely to trust those outside their perceived group. University of Amsterdam’s Carsten K. W. De Dreu and his research team found that Dutch students who were given oxytocin showed increased loyalty to characters with Dutch last names, but did not show the same affinity for characters with German or Arab names. Before people get weird and rename oxytocin the racist molecule, it’s important to consider the function of it in a social setting. Oxytocin, which has been shown to influence social bonding, trust, and cooperativeness, only strengthens feelings within the in-group; it doesn’t make the decision as to who is included in that group. So while it apparently makes you like your friends more, you are still a racist asshole.

Mommy Dearest. Turns out the love molecule isn’t a panacea of warm fuzzies. A study from Mount Saini School of Medicine’s Jennifer Bartz found that oxytocin can have opposite effects on people, based on their relationships and how those those relationships are perceived. Each of the 31 men in the (admittedly small) study group were given questionnaires on the state of their social ties, then huffed oxytocin or placebo and were asked to remember Mom’s parenting style. Of course, given all this love hormone bullshit, oxytocin should make everyone all glowy for mother, right? Incorrect. While those who had positive feelings towards their mom remembered her as more caring on oxytocin, those who felt more anxious about their mother felt even worse about mom after their oxytocin boost.

Pretty Lady Stranger Danger. In a study from University of Bonn, researchers administered oxytocin or a placebo to a group of 68 men then recorded their comfort levels when approaching and being approached by an attractive woman. Naturally, it was thought going into the study that oxytocin, “the trust hormone” would make the men feel more comfortable around the woman. However, men who were in relationships rated higher levels of discomfort around the woman after taking oxytocin, compared to the coupled men who received placebo. It had no effect on single men. Without jumping on the hysterical chemical monogamy train, I feel like oxytocin has a lot to answer for in the awkward boner department.

SCHADENFREUDE! Yes, a study has demonstrated that oxytocin increases envy and schadenfreude. So next time you’re enjoying watching some ignorant hipster kid eat pavement or delighting over some politician getting caught sending casual boner pics to the First Lady, thank oxytocin.

Which brings me to the holy grail of oxytocin and monogamy research, the fucking prairie vole. Everyone is always creaming their pants over these damn voles because they, unlike around 97% of mammals, are monogamous. These voles are cited in all sorts of pop sci bullshit link-bait articles about how it’s impossible for women to have no-strings-attached sex because their bodies are so flooded by the love hormone that they cannot help but suction their uterus to whatever penis starts bumpin’ it with their cervix.

(Oh, Mr. One Night Stand! My body is so flooded by the love hormone when you rub your sweaty face on my loins! Softly nibbling my nipples activates the maternal-fetal bonding circuitry, flooding my body with oxytocin and cementing my deep and unwavering emotional attachment to you, strange man grinding up on my junk! Woe is me for I am a slave to the irrationality of chemistry, the damned moral molecule overriding my powers of observation, personal agency, and choice! Please, Mr. Oxytocin, make me feel like a woman! Make me your wife!)

And these voles, man, they verify all of our deepest needs for biological monogamy. Here’s the basic premise: prairie voles mate for life. If the female vole in the pair dies, the male does not seek a new partner, and vice versa. For the bonding to occur, the male must stay with the female for the entire day following their inaugural mating. Their close relatives, the montane voles, do not do this. What’s the difference?

Oxytocin and vasopressin are the difference. (Vasopressin is closely related to oxytocin and males in some species have their life-long attachment triggered by a release of this hormone.) See, lady prairie voles have a denser-that-normal patch of oxytocin receptors near the reward center of her brain; as such, the oxytocin releases she experiences, are more rewarding. Males have a longer-than-normal gene segment for vasopressin, which is correlated with animals that practice monogamy, also known as bonding animals, such as humans.

The prairie voles fuck once, hang out for a single day, and bam! Bonded for life.

Pretty romantic, right? Except there’s one detail that you don’t see splashed around with the holy monogamous voles stories. What no one mentions, of course, is that prairie voles are socially monogamous. Translation: they fuck on the side.

Oh yes, the oft heralded scientific model of monogamy like to get their little vole dicks wet with the neighborhood vole poon just as often as you can say paternity test. This is where the media gets it wrong. They see voles held up as a champion of mammalian monogamy and start cranking out stories about human sexual fidelity. But the link just isn’t there because that’s not what the voles do. From Monogamy and the Prairie Vole:

”Sexual exclusivity, however, is not a feature of monogamy. Studies of the prairie vole as well as those of other mammals and birds have indicated that absolute sexual monogamy is not necessarily associated with social monogamy. In fact, DNA fingerprinting tests have shown that offspring of female prairie voles are not always fathered by cohabiting males. In some cases, a litter may have mixed paternity.”

And in case you really want to waste some money, they actually sell oxytocin that you apply to your skin, marketing it as Liquid Trust. I so genuinely wish I was joking. Also, please note that even if it really was a ridiculous and magical love hormone, oxytocin is not a fucking pheromone so usage of it in this manner is completely, 100% stupid. This kind of shit makes me howl into the void the same way I howled when they started putting stem cells into cosmetics and face creams. Per the talking animated woman that autoplays on their website:

“Imagine for a moment that everyone trusted … you. You would sell more, love more, and accomplish more than you ever imagined. Scientists have discovered a hormone that increases people’s trust in each other. It is the human hormone oxytocin and for the first time, with Liquid Trust, you can harness this power to increase other people’s trust in you. Liquid Trust is the world’s first trust enhancing spray … Trust is power.”

Trust is power, but bullshit is money. Happy Valentine’s Day.