I've got a soar throat... Doctor says lose weight.

I've got pus pockets all over my fucking scalp, Doctor says lose weight.

I'm depressed and feel like shit therapist says get some exercise.

I'm sorry... Staring at my phone keeps me from thinking about my pain. Playing Xbox makes the time pass without having to think about how many people are assholes in the real world. The assholes online are so cartoonish and easy to destroy and defuse. After all, they're either smart mouth kids or just as insecure as I am. I'm smart and aggressively defensive at least. I'm fed up with people's shit so I cut them back down... But only the trolls.

I'm 37 years old. I am a single father. Ex wife was the love of my life. We met in 2000 and fell in love. She started college that year and we went our separate ways... but timing bright us together in 2005. They were the best years of my life... By 2009 we were married and we had our amazing son in 2010. Over time she started lying to me because we disagreed on something. Instead of standing her ground and me getting over it she did it behind my back and promised to stop over and over again. Each time I caught her lying it destroyed me. I felt like I wasn't loved anymore. I loved her so much and each time hurt. It turns out I wasn't super approachable myself. It hurt more to know I probably deserved the pain she caused. I wanted to fix things I wanted to go to counseling. I started on my own... But it didn't matter. Like I said when I'm being threatened or hurt, I cut deep right back and telling her I didn't think we could have another kid because I don't think we're responsible enough with money was probably bad. I threatened to leave after catching her hiding money a third time as we were struggling. To me, we were struggling with money just like any other couple... To me we were strong enough to pull our shit together. I loved her more than anything in this world. I loved her like I love my son... but I loved her first and I still do. I wanted to change and make things right... She wanted to leave us. 2 years later we share custody. My family... two houses. I'm getting used to it now. I'm coming to terms. My son is amazing. I'm filling his life with love and my time.

This morning I woke up from a nightmare. It's always the same. Spending time with her... She's getting ready for some concert, or some girls night out. We're cordial... we're chatting. I remember we're not together but I feel like there's a chance for us. A chance that in the waking world I know is long gone... A relationship that is ended and will never be again... In the dream is still the hope.

Sometimes the nightmare is that she's ready to rebuild... And I'm happy... And then I wake up. This morning the nightmare was reliving the rejection.

I know how it feels to yearn so hard, to want so badly to pull her in and love her and not want to physically let her go... But to instead to be hated... To be villainized... By the person you would die for. I know it every morning when I wake from these nightmares.

It's too much to bear.

I'm underpaid for all of the damn complicated engineering and professional communication that I do. I'm treated like a simple minded ass because I have a twisted sense of humor which gets me through the tough days. I spend all of my little bit of money that's left on fast food because I work an hour from home and it's too much to decide a meal plan and then want something else later and then if I have a meal planned I don't feel like cooking it when it's time.

I'm faking it so hard in life to make sure my 6 year old doesn't quite see just how broken his father is... Hoping that some day his generation is the end of this cycle of family depression.

My therapist's nurse says my blood pressure is at stroke level. I owe my family doctor $80 for my first visit of the year because my goddamn insurance at work has a $4000 deductable. So I haven't made an appointment since Jan. My therapist finally decided to submit charges to the insurance company and I'm fucked on that front too so I'm done with that now.

I'm done with all of it. I hope I have the stroke. I hope this scalp problem that I have infects my fucking brain. I wish that I would have taken all my medication last night... Or slit my fucking wrists.

I don't need therapy... I don't need a doctor. I need more money to start building my life back. I exercise when there is hope... When there is a life worth living. I leave the house, the internet, and the Xbox behind no problem when there is money in the bank and I can afford to drive into town... Or to the park. Fuck I do that now on days with my son anyway... Just never on my own... Never for myself. And when I do for myself anyway I fall farther behind on bills.

I'm surrounded by successful people and I feel like trailer park trash. The little self discipline I have is just not enough... And I cant get cut a break.

I just spent all the 401k money I had to replace a transmission. I was planning to Uber that 4th of July weekend for some relief. Lol car went in the shop.

Maybe instead of killing myself I should rob a bank. Lol. Wonder what kind of healthcare I can get in jail.

Fuck this life. I need to do something drastic that is constructive... Even if it seems destructive. Maybe jail is the way to go. Nothing to put anyone in danger... Just something that will remove me from society.

Meh seems like that would get boring. I need to just die. Or suck it up and take it like I always do.

Stroke doesn't sound so bad... I guess maybe I just need to file a dnr?