Washington D.C.—

In a dramatic reversal of professional fortune, Senior Adviser to the President Jared Kushner is no longer allowed to eat lunches in the White House cafeteria because of the likelihood that he might overhear any classified information in other people’s conversations.

Kushner previously had security clearance, but on an interim basis that flaunted federal rules. Now he reportedly eats his daily lunches in a stall in the men’s bathroom.

“It’s real embarrassing,” explained a White House aide, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the personal plight of the President’s amateurish son-in-law. “And Jared kind of shows that he knows it. He walks real slow in the cafeteria food area, taking forever to pick out which a la carte items he wants, and he waits for senior-level staffers to come pick out their meals and he’ll beg them for gossip about the Presidential briefings he used to be able to read every morning. But he’s kind of a black sheep, and people ignore him in a manner not unlike the way rich people ignore the homeless. So every day he tries to make small talk, but he doesn’t really make eye contact with anyone anymore so that it’s real awkward. Eventually, Jared will pick out the same meal he eats every day of one bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, a two-pack of Zebra Cakes, and a red Powerade on his tray. Then he’ll slowly take a lap around the cafeteria through the tables, holding his tray and shuffling his feet as he says hello to people eating their lunches with their friends. He does this thing where he pretends he’s looking for a table to sit at but can’t decide which one. Everyone at their tables gets quiet when Jared passes, and it’s just really awkward for everyone because we all know Jared knows that he’s not legally allowed in the cafeteria. Even Ivanka turns her head when he passes by and pretends she doesn’t see him. It’s like he’s desperate to keep up appearances or something. After he wanders around a little bit, he finally leaves and then eats his lunches in a bathroom stall where he won’t accidentally overhear any classified information. But, if at any time two or more White House officials come in to the bathroom at the same time, Jared has to leave the bathroom and wait until one or none are inside just in case they say anything classified while relieving themselves. Then he can go back to sitting on the toilet and eating. I cannot stress enough how uncomfortable it is for everyone to watch this every day.”

(Photo courtesy of the Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staffs.)

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