Hey all! Night Mind recently made a post here on Tumblr that I agree with almost too much. Over the last 6 months, I’ve really been stressed near the point of breaking at times. I’ve been unsatisfied with my work and with that, my channel hasn’t grown as much as it did at one time. The question is, why?

The quality of my work has only gone up. I’ve done some pretty fun things. I’ve created a lot of the things I’ve wanted to start making on YouTube. Yet, here I am, still unsatisfied. I went on like this for quite awhile, jumping from project to project, alienating my friends and making poor life decisions because of how caught up I was in trying to get videos out as rapidly as possible.

There’s one thing you need to be aware of. YouTube’s model is not one that really allows for you to live off quality over quantity. You make more, gain more subscribers, whatnot, the more videos you make. So basically amount of videos + $$$. At some point as a creator, you do get concerned about putting out content that will make you a living. But why? My answer for this has always been “money = freedom.” If I have a steady income, I can start taking longer and put out better content that I’m proud of.

As with most epiphanies, I had a dream the other night. In this dream I was Skyping with Egoraptor (a major creative influence on me) and he was talking about how excited he was about some new video he spent months on and new it would make people on the internet lose their minds. Naturally I was excited for him. I mean, he has a legacy. Something that he can always go back to and say “yeah, I made that.” In marketing terms, they call that “evergreen.” Something that will always be relevant and amazing, as basic as I can make it in this context.

So when Egoraptor asked me, in the dream, what I was working on, I responded with “nothing.” Then he asked what video I was most proud of and it was like every video I had ever made completely left my brain at the same time and I didn’t know. I had no idea. I feel like I don’t have those videos. The amazing ones that everyone can look back on and say “that IS Nyx Fears.” Something that truly blows my subscribers away. Many of you out there would defend me and say I do have those videos, but the bottom line is: I feel like I don’t and that’s a huge issue.

When I woke up, I thought about it longer and I realized I succumbed to what I hoped I never would. I started treating my YouTube channel like a day job and not like a platform for me to express myself. I got caught in the cycle and started going through the motions and the next thing I know, a year is gone and I never made those big, important videos I wanted to.

So what does 2016 hold? Honestly, I have no idea. But I can say that I will be starting this year off strong, clearing out my deadlines and putting out amazing videos to the best of my ability. I’m gonna make those important videos I really want to make. I’ve always wanted to make people laugh, so I’m going to spend more time doing that. While the theme of my channel will be the same, I’m gonna take my time and put out content that I’m proud of. If I’m not proud of it, I’m not uploading it. Simple as that. The money will come after that but til then, it’s art first.

If I ever want to put out content like JonTron’s or Egoraptor’s or RedLetterMedia’s, I have to spend time thinking about what I’m doing in a big way. Hopefully you all understand this decision and you’re excited for what’s to come. I’m still planning on finding something I can do weekly but for the most part, I’m done with deadlines.