Just as the concerns and oppressions of the majority are valid, vital and worth fighting for, so are the concerns and oppressions of the minority, of trans women. For far too long we have been the objects of society: analysed, described, discussed, objects of violence, objects of considerable sexual interest and confusion which can often then lead, again, to violence.

The trans movement has been building its confidence slowly, over generations and we have arrived to the point where we are refusing to be society’s objects. We want to describe our own experiences for ourselves, write our own narratives of what it means to be trans, what it means to be us. We don’t want cis society to hold the power of discourse over us anymore: describing us and naming us.

There is no shame in the word cis — it should be a badge of pride because it is a word that seeks dignity for everyone, for every woman: trans or cis. The only reason to refuse the word cis would be to negate the truth of trans lives: that we exist, that our experience is valid, beautiful, and that we have the right to speak for ourselves, to talk about our lives and our truths.

As women we have always been there. In the past, our ancestors hid in the margins, precarious, often in sex work with the same rights as the most oppressed classes of women and even more vulnerability. When we insist now that understanding gender based purely on what genitalia the doctor saw (or didn’t see) when you popped out is crudely simplistic, out of whack with the depth of human experience and a source of oppression against trans people — we do that because we demand dignity for everyone, ourselves included.

This is what we mean when we say my gender is not up for debate: it means my dignity is not up for debate. I have the right to speak for myself and that is not up for debate. Wreckers often pretend to simply be ‘appealing for debate’ but there are some things that can never be debated. That white supremacism is rancid and should be defeated is not up for debate. Oil companies and their lobbyists try their hardest to ‘open up a debate’ about whether climate change is real and caused by human development. Their intention: to spread confusion, untruth and chaos. If someone’s intention is to wreck our movement, what’s to debate?

Discussion, on the other hand, should be had-a-plenty. How can we keep the movement together? How can we listen to each other more? Learn from each other? How can we stand up for each other? These are the discussions we need to have.

Here’s what cis women who have genuine concerns about what all this trans activism means to them need to know:

We, trans people, are being subjected to a campaign by a minority of feminists and a minority of cis lesbians who don’t take the validity of our lives and voices as a starting point at all. This minority wants to,

hold onto the age old privilege of being able to define us for us;

exclude trans women from all women’s spaces;

exclude us from the LGBT alliance that we helped create;

exclude us from lesbianism, and

exclude us full stop.

The exclusion is dangerous to our lives and their methods are also often a threat to our very lives.

It is the wolf of pure reactionary transphobia dressed in the clothes of feminism.

This is why, when you have these discussion with trans women, or trans people in general, you may often get a defensive response.

Defensiveness is usually a sign that someone doesn’t feel safe. Trans people do want to keep the movement together. The intersectional alliance is vital to us, as one of the most vulnerable groups in it. The most important thing you can do from the start of those conversations is to emphasise that trans women are women, trans men are men, non-binary people’s experiences and genders are valid and help us understand that we are valued and will be listened to. In this hostile, bitter, dangerous environment trust does not come easily and that’s the unfortunate reality of where we are right now.

When two sides in a conversation need to build trust, the best thing anyone can do in that situation is to be the first to try and listen. The more you listen to the other — the more the other will realise it is safe to listen to you too. That goes for all of us.

Of course, it has to be repeated, it is impossible to listen to wreckers. Their rhetoric is dishonest, their intentions malicious and when they demand debate it is only to let bigotry slither into our spaces, grow, tear us apart, get us to tear each other apart. We will only be able to build relationships of discussion and trust if wreckers are kept out.

We are stronger together. Fighting amongst us is useless, self destructive and absurd. You lose nothing if I gain dignity and I have the whole world to gain by being by your side in your fights. I will learn and grow and blossom through that process and so will you. We will demonstrate together a different set of values: opposed and contrasted to the patriarchal conflict-oriented way of negotiating differences. We will demonstrate a culture of listening, of nurturing, of care. We have everything to gain by growing together.

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I came out as trans while living in the wilds and am now turning my home into a free nature retreat for trans and queer people to offer a place to escape and discover a non-urban way of being in the world. Help me keep this project alive with our Patreon campaign and get yourself some cool rewards at the same time! If you like the article, clap and share!