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Son of a bitch, you guys. All the sons of all the bitches, rolled in a shit burrito with hell sauce. I’m still pregnant. And it still blows.

Every stupid morning that I wake up alive, I declare that TODAY is THE DAY. Every stupid evening, I wash clothes soaked in my own pee, no amniotic fluid. This kid is making a fool out of me. He’s making me do so much laundry. Just listen to your mother, fetus.

I was really, really sure last week that things were happening. After some false labor, I was convinced that was the beginning of my body getting ready to make the transition from pregnant to just fat. I went into my OB appointment wondering how dilated I was going to be. On a scale of one to “You can’t have sex for six weeks,” how ripe was my cervix? Maybe we are having a baby today!

Maybe nope, idiot. Maybe nope, you are not. Not a damn thing had changed, except for an increase in the amount of stress my belly was putting on the elastic of my maternity pants. So, despite my solid conviction that if alternative medicine worked, it would be called “medicine,” I have started doing all the stupid old wivesy crap the Internet says will kickstart your labor. Here is an organized list, for your convenience.

1. Pushing That Pressure Point on Your Ankle. Horse. Fart. I watched an episode of True Blood AND an episode of The Newsroom with all the weight and force in my body behind my thumb, pressing that point. No dice. None. Sore ankle. Stupid television shows. Dumbest night of my life.

2. Eat Fresh Pineapple. I should have been in labor weeks ago. I eat a whole pineapple every few days. Sometimes, I eat a whole pineapple in one day. They are delicious. But they don’t do a damn thing for jumpstarting your labor. They just fill your body with juice that you can pee out into your last pair of clean gym shorts you stole from your husband’s dresser.

3. Intercourse. It’ll get a baby in you. End of usefulness. Someone’s stupid husband came up with this one. And his stupid wife believed him. Those idiots deserve each other.

4. Hang Out with a Bunch of Babies. This was just a guess of mine. I thought that maybe if I played with some babies, and was super obvious about it (“Oh wow, we are having so much fun, babies! Too bad my baby isn’t here yet, *cough cough* he is missing out on all these car keys and ice cream!”) that maybe the kid would feel left out and make his way into the world. Nope. My kid is too smart for my passive aggressive behavior.

5. Ride a Bicycle. Granted, I only sat on a bike, and it was in Target. But this was after the ankle-pressing, and most of the things on this list, and no baby. If bikes put you into labor, I should have been able to just say “bike” at that point and had a baby fall out of me.

6. Go for a Walk. I hate moving right now. But I did it anyway. Where did it get me? Nowhere. I mean, technically to the checkout aisle at Target. But it took forever and did nothing and I ended up spending almost $200.

7. Eat Spicy Food. Full disclosure, I am a spice-wuss and mild salsa makes me sweaty, but that was all I had. There’s still a baby in me. Myth: busted.

I am sorry to rain on your parade if you came here looking for guidance or support or an end to your pregnant eternity. Hope does not live here anymore, and you will be pregnant for the rest of time.

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