WASHINGTON—After President Trump openly denounced white supremacy Monday in an errant statement on the mass shootings in Dayton, OH and El Paso, TX, every aide in the West Wing reportedly went into damage-control mode, looking for ways to get him back on message. “Great, now we’re going to be here all night figuring out a way to walk back this offhanded remark,” said White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, who expressed concern that with a single flippant comment, the president had blemished his administration’s record of consistently siding with and empowering people who believe the United States belongs, first and foremost, to white people. “We’ve worked so hard to make sure he stays on message not only by directly voicing racist views, but by personally embodying bigotry—and now he goes off script and criticizes those exact things! We need to get some dog whistles out to the base immediately.” At press time, reports confirmed the president had completely reversed course, tweeting out his thanks to the El Paso shooter for helping to repel invaders at the nation’s southern border.

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