At an early point in childhood, we all worked out how popular we really were. Either we knew we were admired and began to worry about maintaining our special influence over others, or we recognised that others were more popular than us and began to seek more attention.

Our positions in the social hierarchy seemed so important back then, and for good reason: popularity is the most valuable and easily accessible currency available to youth. But there’s something about our popularity in youth that seems to remain a part of who we are.

Most of us never overcame our desire to become more popular, and those old yearnings still have effects today – not just on our own lives, but on attributes our society most values. This may now be truer than ever. Networked society offers the possibility of an interminable adolescence where we can shine a light on those who are popular, create ways to emulate and interact with them and even raise our own level of popularity through new creative platforms that allow any average person a chance to become the most popular, even if only briefly.

Popularity is a topic that social scientists have been interested in for decades, and the results from research studies have revealed a great deal about its origins and significance. What we’ve learned is that popularity is something of a paradox: it is fundamental to human nature to desire to be more popular, but this is not always good for us.

Adults who remember being popular in childhood report happier marriages and work relationships

Much of the research took place between the 1950s and the 1970s. With a large number of veterans from the Second World War, Korea and Vietnam needing psychological treatment, the US government began to fund research into the area. What they discovered was unexpected: one of the strongest predictors of soldiers’ functioning in the military was how popular they were in primary school. Within a decade or two, a number of other studies in non-military populations yielded similar results.

A worldwide study conducted in my own lab revealed that adults who have memories of being popular in childhood are the most likely to report that their marriages are happier, their work relationships are stronger, and they believe they are flourishing as members of society. People who recall unpopular childhood experiences report the opposite.

But it is not always the most popular people who are happier. That’s because there is more than one type of popularity.

At school most people can recall that some of the most popular teens were hated by many. If that seems like a contradiction, it reflects the fact that most of the people high in one type of popularity are actually low in the other. The first type of popularity is a reflection of status – whether someone is well known, widely emulated and able to bend others to his or her will. Research suggests that these types may be at high risk for a number of problems later in life.

The other type of popularity is likability. It captures those we feel close to and trust, and the people who make us happy when we spend time with them. In failing to recognise the distinction between these different types of popularity, many spend their lives searching for the wrong one.

The more we understand about popularity and how it affects us throughout our lives, the more likely we are to break the cycle of interpersonal experiences that began back in school. And the better chance we have for meaningful, satisfying, and rewarding relationships today.

Popular: Why Being Liked is the Secret to Greater Success and Happiness by Mitch Prinstein is published by Vermilion at £20. Order a copy for £17 at bookshop.theguardian.com