Want to learn how to write a personal ad? Well, here are 10 examples how not to.

1. Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.

2. Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.

3. Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.

4. I'm about 5*2 and about 118lbs. I have light brown hair and gray/blue eyes. I wear glasses, I have my belly button pierced and I am slightly tan(because of the sun). I am planning on going to college to be a probation officer. Hop to here from you soon!!!!

5. When I was thirty my dates had to be young, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!

6. Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you--choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

7. Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.

8. I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in Rowanda.

What difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs

are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding

hands, candle lit dinners, and all of that other crap that people never

continue doing after the first date anyway; that didn't even take place

in Cinderella (I've seen the movie). If there is a man out there who:

isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,

isn't an alcoholic,

doesn't have any kids,

doesn't smoke,

doesn't beat women,

isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,

isn't a liar,

isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,

isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,

doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,

likes having sex,

CAN have sex,

is not

in jail,

on probation,

has a court date pending,

isn't a

misogynist,

racist,

classist,

elitist,

lawyer,

politician,

member of the military,

policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King),

bible boy, or

a pompous ass.

What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there,

if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men. Prefer

letters.

9. Austrian-born, Cambridge-educated philosopher/engineer/kindergarten teacher and published author (one book of philosophy, one of spelling) seeks companion/housekeeper adept at soup preparation and prepared to travel to Norway on a moment's notice. Must like: silence; dampness; impenetrable intellectual speculation; detective novels. Must despise: clarity; optimism; fellow academics. Age, race, gender unimportant. Respond ('Y' or 'N' only) to L. Wittgenstein, box 354.

10. Things I won't do for love include replacing corroding soil pipes and trepanning at home. Everything else is A-OK. Eager-to-please woman (36) seeks domineering man to take advantage of her flagging confidence. Tell me I'm pretty, then watch me cling, at box no. 3286.

[Via - Speed Dating News]

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