INTRO - MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU MAGNIFICENT BADASSES!

GUESS WHAT? HULK LOVES CHRISTMAS! TO BE FAIR, HULK'S LOVE OF THE HOLIDAY HAS PRECISELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FOLLOWING: SANTA. JESUS. INDOOR TREES. CHRISTMAS MUSIC (WHICH HULK ACTIVELY DISLIKE). DECORATIONS. SNOW. EGG NOG. CANDY CANES. HOLIDAY ROASTS (THOUGH THEY DON'T HURT). LIGHTS. CAROLS. TRADITIONS. OR EVEN GETTING PRESENTS.

NO, THE THING HULK LOVE ABOUT CHRISTMAS RATHER SIMPLE: IT IS THE ONE TIME OF THE YEAR THAT PEOPLE ARE REQUIRED TO SIT DOWN, STOP WHATEVER THEY ARE DOING FOR LIKE FIVE-WHOLE-SECONDS, AND THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. NOW, HULK KNOW THAT SOUNDS EITHER LAUGHABLY TRITE / SAPPY OR ASTOUNDINGLY CYNICAL / NARROW DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE, BUT THAT HONESTLY WHAT HULK LIKES ABOUT THE HOLIDAY. YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY MIGHT LIKE. AND TO DO THAT, YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHO THESE OTHER PEOPLE ARE. OF COURSE, SO MUCH PRESENT GIVING IS POLITICAL OR EVEN FORCED. AS SUCH, A LOT OF PEOPLE DO IT BEGRUDGINGLY. AND FOR SOME PEOPLE, CHRISTMAS IS JUST A RINGING ENDORSEMENT OF CONSUMERISM. FOR OTHERS, IT SUCKS BECAUSE THEY HATE EVERYONE IN THEIR LIVES. OR MAYBE THEY JUST BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE. AND FOR OTHERS STILL, IT IS A BURDEN OF JUST HOW INCREDIBLY POOR THEY ARE COMPARED TO SO MANY OTHERS WHO ARE MORE FORTUNATE. AND ALL OF THESE REALITIES ARE ALL EQUALLY TRUE. HULK WOULD NEVER WANT TO IMPLY THEY ARE NOT.

BUT THESE REALITIES JUST CLARIFY HULK'S REASON FOR THE LOVE OF THE HOLIDAY. IT JUST SHOWS THAT THINKING OF OTHER PEOPLE (IN A GIVING SORT OF WAY) IS ONE OF THE RAREST OF OPPORTUNITIES WE HAVE IN LIFE. WE HAVE LET SO MANY OTHER THINGS DEFINE CHRISTMAS, ALL THE THINGS HULK LISTED ABOVE. BUT THE PROBLEM WITH THE THINGS ON THAT LIST IS THEY CAN SOMETIMES CAUSE PEOPLE TO FORGET THE ONE SINGULAR, BINDING INTENT OF THE HOLIDAY: TO CELEBRATE. EVEN GOING BACK TO THE OLD WINTER SOLSTICES FOR WHICH THE HOLIDAY IS BASED ON, IT WAS A CELEBRATION OF HUMANITY COMING OUT OF THE DARK AND INTO THE LIGHT (A PRETTY WAY OF SAYING THE DAYS GOT LONGER). AND TODAY IT SHOULD BE A TIME OF CELEBRATION IN WHATEVER WAY YOU THINK THAT SHOULD BE, AS LONG AS IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.

AND YES. SOME PEOPLE HATE THAT FORCED GOODY-NESS OR HELL, MAYBE JUST THE ENTIRE PROCESS. THEY HATE LAST MINUTE SHOPPING. THEY HATE THE PRESSURE OF GIVING THE "RIGHT" GIFT. THEY HATE LINES. IT'S A SHAME THAT THERE SO MUCH PRESSURE BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE FREAKIN' GIFTS. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EXTRANEOUS AND WELCOME NO MATTER WHAT. BUT HONESTLY, HULK FINDS THAT EVEN THE MOST BASIC BIT OF FORETHOUGHT WORKS WONDERS. KNOWING WHAT YOU GONNA GET SOMEONE CAN BE WONDERFUL FORM OF EXCITEMENT. AND EVEN IF WE'RE FORCED TO THINK OF OTHERS, THERE ARE CERTAINLY WORSE THINGS TO BE FORCED TO DO.

THIS IS HULK'S CHRISTMAS. IT MAY HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH THE CULTURAL SIGNIFIERS WE HOLD DEAR, BUT HEY, THAT WHAT YOU GET FROM AN ATHEIST HULK WHO LOVES CHRISTMAS. THAT MAY SEEM LIKE A JERK STATEMENT. BUT THAT NOT HOW HULK MEANS IT. NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CLARIFIED HULK'S FEELINGS BETTER THAN WHEN ABED, A MUSLIM CHARACTER ON COMMUNITY, TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVED CHRISTMAS. HIS CHRISTIAN FRIEND SHIRLEY RESPONDED WITH SURPRISE, AND THEN LATER CHASTISED HIM FOR USING HIS CRAZY-STOP-MOTION-DREAM-LAND-FANTASY TO TAKE THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS AWAY FROM JESUS. IT WAS THEN THAT ABED SADLY HAD TO LET HER OUT OF HIS FANTASY WORLD BECAUSE "...YOU THINK CHRISTMAS BELONGS TO YOU."

WHICH IS A PERFECT LINE. CHRISTMAS DOESN'T BELONG TO ANYONE. SO HULK MAKES HULK'S OWN CHRISTMAS AND, GOSH DARNIT, HULK'S CHRISTMAS ABOUT TINIEST AND LAMEST GESTURES TOWARD OTHER PEOPLE. HULK JUST LIKES THAT VERSION. HULK LIKES GIVING PRESENTS. HULK LIKES GATHERING WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND COOKING GOOD-ASS FOOD. HULK LIKES HEARING YOU SAYING YOU LIKE SOMETHING, SECRETLY BUYING IT AND STUFFING IT AWAY FOR THE RIGHT TIME. HECK, HULK THE KIND OF HULK WHO HAS PRESENTS THOUGHT OF MONTHS, EVEN SOMETIMES YEARS IN ADVANCE.

EVEN YOURS.

THAT'S RIGHT! HULK'S FIRST PRESENT IS A SURPRISE COMING LATER. BUT THE SECOND PRESENT IS THIS COLUMN ITSELF, COMING RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY OWN EYEBALLS. HULK WILL BE DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN CLAMORING FOR FOR YEARS NOW: A REVIEW OF TWO HULK MOVIES. SURE THE LOGICAL CONTINUITY OF THE HULK REVIEWING THE HULK MOVIES MAY BE CONFUSING (OR EVEN DOWNRIGHT EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING!) BUT HEY, JUST ROLL WITH IT! THIS GOING TO BE FUN! EXCLAMATION POINTS!

THE NUMBER ONE REASON IT'S GOING TO BE FUN IS BECAUSE HULK REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVES THE HULK... YOU KNOW... IN CASE THAT NOT OBVIOUS.

AND SO, IN THE BEST OF CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS, HULK WANTS ALL YOU KIDS TO GATHER ROUND THE FIRE (OR THE SOFT GLOW OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN) FOR A LITTLE STORY TIME...

PART 1 - THE BILL BIXBY FACTOR...

IMAGINE A LITTLE SCHOOL-HULK RUSHING HOME TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV. LIKE MOST KIDS, HULK ALWAYS HAD A ROUTINE. HULK WOULD KICK OFF THE DIRTY SOCCER CLEATS AND GET MUD EVERYWHERE, DOWN ABOUT A GALLON OF APPLE JUICE, TAKE THE TWO-ALLOWED COOKIES (BUT REALLY SNEAK ABOUT 5), TOSS ON THE PURPLE SWEAT PANTS, AND THEN FINALLY SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF THE COUCH TO WATCH SOME LITTLE-HULK'S FAVORITE TV SHOWS. AND HEY, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT? ONE OF THEM WAS THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1978-1982).

NOW IT SHOULD BE SAID THAT HULK JUST MISSED WATCHING THE INITIAL RUN OF THE SHOW, BUT THIS WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING. BECAUSE THE ENSUING SYNDICATION ALLOWED LITTLE-HULK TO SOAK UP A DAILY DOSE OF THE GREAT GREEN ONE. HULK REMEMBERS IT ALL SO CLEARLY. WE WERE FAIRLY NEW TO CABLE AND IT WAS ON THE LOCAL CHANNEL 50 WHICH WAS REALLY CHANNEL 12 ON OUR BOX, AND HAD JUST STARTED BEING CALLED W.N.D.S. "THE WINDS OF NEW ENGLAND." AND AS PART OF THAT PROGRAMMING BLOCK THAT HAD A BUNCH OF OTHER SYNDICATED TV SHOWS... HULK PRETTY SURE M*A*S*H* WAS IN THERE TOO. HULK ACTUALLY CAN'T REMEMBER. BUT PERHAPS THE MOST VIVID ASPECT OF THE CHANNEL WERE THE WEATHER INTERSTITIAL INVOLVING A CRAZY WEATHERMAN / LOCAL NEW ENGLAND FOLK HERO...

ALL HULK'S NEW ENGLAND READERS JUST WENT "HOLY SHIT IT'S AL! HIIIIIIIIGH PRESSURE!"

BUT GETTING BACK TO THE POINT, IT IS FAIRLY SAFE TO THE TV SHOW LEFT AN INDELIBLE IMPRESSION ON LITTLE-HULK. NOT JUST BECAUSE THE SHOW SERVED AS A PRECURSOR TO HULK'S OWN TRAGIC ACCIDENT INVOLVING GAMMA RADIATION, TELEPODS-FOR-SOME-REASON, AND THE GHOST OF PAULINE KAEL, BUT BECAUSE THE TV SHOW IS ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD. YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. QUITE GOOD. SURE, WHAT MAY SEEM ON THE SURFACE TO BE AN AWFULLY SILLY, CLUNKY, AND SLOW-PACED 70'S SHOW TO A MODERN AUDIENCE, IS ACTUALLY DEEPLY-FELT SHOW ABOUT THE NATURE OF ETHOS AND PATHOS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HULK WOULD ARGUE THAT EVEN THE BRAND OF SILLINESS WAS WONDERFUL. IT GAVE US TERRIBLE HAIRCUTS. YEARS OF LOU FERRIGNO JOKES. COUNTLESS REFERENCES TO THE LONELY MAN... THIS. BUT THERE IS NO BETTER WAY TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THE DELIGHTFUL ABSURDITY OF THE SHOW WITHOUT, HERE, AND NOW, SHARING WITH YOU ONE OF THE BEST THINGS EVER PUT IN ON THE INTERNET. HULK DOESN'T CARE IF THAT COME OFF LIKE HYPERBOLE, BECAUSE IT IS. THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST ASSEMBLED BY ONE KEVIN KOSTER, A LONG TIME HOLLYWOOD A.D. AND HUGE FAN OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK TV SHOW. IT IS, QUITE SIMPLY, A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS THAT WILL TURN DR. DAVID BANNER INTO THE INCREDIBLE HULK. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. TRUST HULK, IT GET BETTER AS IT GOES ON.

BACK? HULK HOPE YOU HAD FUN WITH THAT. HULK'S FAVORITE IS #23. WHAT'S YOURS?

SO YEAH, THE POINT IS THE SHOW WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF WONDERFUL (HULK WILL GET INTO WHAT MAKES IT WORK IN A SECOND). BUT FIRST HULK JUST WANT TO MENTION THAT IT WAS REALLY HULK'S LOVE OF THE TV SHOW THAT SPURRED HULK INTO READING THE COMICS. SURE, HULK HAD BEEN READING OTHER MARVEL COMICS AT THE TIME, MOSTLY SPIDEY AND X-MEN, BUT THE HULK CHARACTER WAS PRETTY MUCH INCIDENTAL TO BEING PART OF AVENGERNESS. THAT CHANGED AFTER THE TV SHOW AND HULK BEGAN TO DEVOUR THE COMICS. WHAT'S SORT OF FUNNY IS THAT HULK'S MEMORY FOR THE SPECIFIC PLOTS IN THE HULK COMICS IS ODDLY SHODDY. A LOT OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT THEY SEEMED TO DRAMATICALLY ALTERING THE HULK EVERY YEAR. DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITIES, JOE FIXIT, SAVAGE HULK. THEN THERE WAS THE TIME HULK DIED (OR GOT BANISHED BY DR. STRANGE? HULK CAN'T REMEMBER) AND WENT TO SOME SORT OF WEIRD SPACE-LIMBO / CROSS-DIMENSIONAL HELL... THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENED A LOT OF IN 80'S COMICS. AND HONESTLY THE WHOLE RUN WAS NEAT, BUT IT ALL KIND OF BLENDS TOGETHER. FOR SOME REASON, THE QUASI-BAT-SHIT NATURE OF THE 90'S PANTHEON SAGA STICKS OUT THE BEST. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS THE POINT WHERE HULK STOPPED READING (LET'S BE HONEST, MARVEL PRETTY MUCH DROPPED THE COLLECTIVE BALL IN THE 90S). BUT NEEDLESS TO SAY ALL THESE COMICS DEEPLY INFORMED HULK'S AFFINITY FOR THE HULK CHARACTER. BUT NOTHING DID THE JOB QUITE LIKE THE TV SHOW. AND SO IT REMAINED THAT WAY...

ENTER THE MOVIES.

HULK THINK IT SAFE TO SAY THAT AUDIENCES HAVE NOT REALLY GOTTEN THE "HULK MOVIE" THEY WANTED. WHEN CITING THE REASON WHY EVERYONE SEEMS TO THROW OUT IDEAS ABOUT WHY RANGING FROM TONE, TO SUBJECT MATTER, TO POODLES. BUT HULK BELIEVES THERE IS ONE CENTRAL REASON THAT SPEAKS FOR THEIR LACK OF CONNECTION WITH AUDIENCES. IT ISN'T THAT THEY DIDN'T CAPTURE THE "MOOD" OR "ICONOGRAPHY" OF THE TV SHOW THAT EVERYONE SEEMED TO LOVE, IT WAS THAT THEY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE AN IMPORTANT ROOTING COMPONENT OF THE BANNER CHARACTER:

YOU DON'T ALWAYS WANT HIM TO TURN INTO THE HULK.

THEIR FAILURE TO REALIZE THIS SPEAKS TO EVERY OTHER PROBLEM IN THE FILMS. TO EXPLAIN: IN ORDER TO CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO GROUND THE CHARACTER IN A BASIC SENSE OF EMPATHY. AND NO THAT''S DOESN'T MERELY MEAN BEING A LIKABLE GUY. IT IS ABOUT ESTABLISHING A ROOTING INTEREST IN EVERY MOMENT OF THEIR LIFE. YOU WANT THEM TO SUCCEED AND TO BE HAPPY. IT'S NOT A CRAZY OR DIFFICULT CONCEPT. THIS EMPATHY STUFF IS BASICALLY DRAMA 101. AND IT WAS SOMETHING THE SHOW WHOLLY UNDERSTOOD, DESPITE CRAMMING IT IN WITH SOMEWHAT CLUNKY WAYS (OH NO! A BUNCH OF GUYS IN THE GYM ARE MAKING FUN OF HIM! OR OH YES! HE'S MET A PRETTY WOMAN WHO SEEMS TO LIKE HIM!). THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT THE HULK-OUTS, WHETHER GOOD OR BAD, WERE ALWAYS REALLY ABOUT WHAT WE REALLY WANTED FOR BANNER. THE TRAVELER GOING FROM TOWN TO TOWN, JUST TRYING TO LIVE LIFE, HELP PEOPLE, UNDERSTAND HIS DISEASE, AND CURE IT. BUT MOST OF ALL, HE WAS JUST TRYING LIVE HIS LIFE WITH A QUIET DIGNITY. BUT SINCE HE ALWAYS EMPATHIZED WITH OTHER PEOPLE (THUS GIVING THE AUDIENCE A MODEL TO CARE AS WELL), BANNER WAS BASICALLY TORMENTED DAILY. HE COULDN'T HELP BUT BE INVOLVED. TO BE KIND. TO BE A KIND OF HERO THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH TURNING GREEN. AND AS A RESULT HE GOT IN SITUATIONS WHERE HE HAD TO PUT HIMSELF AT RISK. WHERE TURNING INTO THE HULK WOULD ACTUALLY BE BAD FOR HIM. THEY KNEW HOW TO GET YOUR AFFINITY AND EMPATHY. AND THAT'S WHAT MADE YOU INVESTED.

CALL IT THE BILL BIXBY FACTOR.

IT'S TRUE, A LOT OF THE SHOW'S SUCCESS HAS TO DO WITH BILL BIXBY'S NATURAL DISPOSITION. KINDLY. FATHERLY. UNDERSTATED. (QUAFFED?). HE HAD A GENTLE, YET PAINED HUMANITY ABOUT HIM THAT MADE HIM A PERFECT VEHICLE FOR THE NARRATIVE. BANNER SHOULD BE THE LAST PERSON EVER THAT YOU WANT TO BE STUCK WITH THE HULK. THE AUDIENCE HAS TO UNDERSTAND THAT ON AT LEAST A SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL. THEIR MINDS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WAIT FOR THE HULK-OUT, BUT THEIR HEARTS MUST SECRETLY WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY AS BANNER.

AND AS FILMMAKER TAKING ON THE HULK NARRATIVE, YOU HAVE TO REALLY WANT IT TOO.

HULK PRETTY SURE NEITHER FILMMAKER REALLY WANTED IT. MAYBE THEY JUST WEREN'T INTERESTED IN IT. MAYBE THEY JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT. ALL HULK KNOW IS THAT THE FIRST FILM WENT DOWN THE PATHS OF PSYCHOANALYTIC BEHAVIOR, ID-MANIFESTATION, AND SUPPRESSED RAGE THROUGH GREEK TRAGEDY. AND THE SECOND FILM PAID THE IDEA OF EMPATHY SOME LIP SERVICE BEFORE GETTING INTO THE SMASHY-SMASHY. BUT BASICALLY BOTH WERE MORE INTERESTED IN THEIR RESPECTIVE TAKES ON WHAT THE HULK DEVICE MEANS, EITHER THEMATICALLY FOR THE PURPOSES OF MONSTER-FIGHTS. WHICH ARE BOTH FINE REALLY, BUT YOU CAN'T INDULGE IN THOSE ASPECTS AND ALSO IGNORE THE BASIC PRINCIPALS OF DRAMA.

BUT AS MUCH AS BANNER IS THE KEY TO CREATING A GREAT HULK-NARRATIVE, YOU REALLY CAN'T IGNORE THE DEPICTIONS OF THE HULK EITHER. THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS ONE CAN GO: HULK CAN BE THE PERFECT AVATAR OF DESTRUCTION, WHOSE LIMITS IN BATTLE AND SMASHY-TIME ARE UNRIVALED. HULK CAN ALSO BE A SIMPLE JEKYLL + HYDE ALLUSION TO THE ID-CENTERED RAGE MONSTER, A REFLECTION OF OUR DARKEST IMPULSES. HULK CAN ALSO BE THE DOE-EYED-GIANT, THE MAGNIFICENT AWE-INDUCING ANIMAL (THINK A GRIZZLY OR AN ELEPHANT OR SOMETHING) A BEING WHO IS EASILY THREATENED, BUT STILL POSSESSES THAT PURE ANIMAL-LIKE HEART. HULK CAN ALSO BE LIKE JOE-FIXIT (OR VARIOUS INCARNATIONS LIKE IT), WHERE THE HULK-NESS IS MERELY A MASK HIDING SOMETHING MORE THOUGHTFUL AND CONSCIOUS UNDERNEATH ITS SKIN. OR PERHAPS HULK COULD EVEN GO THE BAT-SHIT MARK-MILLAR-ULTIMATES-ROUTE AND TURN HULK INTO A METAPHOR FOR RAGE-VIA-EMASCULATION (ALL OF MILLAR'S BULLSHIT SEEMS TO STEM FOR EMASCULATION AND PENIS-SIZE FEARS. HULK REALLY, REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF IT. MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S WAY BETTER THAN THAT... MAYBE). WHICHEVER WAY ONE GOES IT AN IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER WHAT THESE VERSIONS OF THE HULK MEAN ON A THEMATIC LEVEL AND THAT IT IS ALSO OKAY FOR THE HULK TO CONTAIN MULTITUDES.

STILL, THE ONE THING THAT IS CLEAR ABOUT EACH OF THESE VERSIONS IS THAT THE HULK IS ALWAYS ABOUT SURFACES. A THICK GREEN EXTERIOR. SOMETHING EASILY JUDGED, FEARED, SPOTTED, AND REACTED TO. THE HULK IS ALWAYS PRONOUNCED, BUT ALL THESE NOTICEABLE SURFACES HIDE A BEATING HEART UNDERNEATH. THERE ARE SIMPLY LAYERS TO EACH OF THEM, WHETHER THEY BE RAGE, SOFTNESS, DESIRE, OR CONSCIOUS THOUGHT. TO LOOK AT THE HULK AND REACT IS TO SIMPLY BELIE THE CLARITY UNDERNEATH.

SO FOR THE TWO MOVIES, LET'S LOOK UNDERNEATH THE GREEN SKIN.

PART 2 - HULK (2003) D. ANG LEE

SO, MORE STORY TIME: HULK HAS A FRIEND WHO WANTED A SON MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. WITHOUT COMMENTING ON WHY GUYS ARE OBSESSED WITH HAVING SONS OR JUDGING THIS GOOD FRIEND, HULK WILL SIMPLY GO ON WITH THE STORY: HE WAS ONE OF THOSE GUYS WANTED A SON SINCE HE WAS LIKE 8 YEARS OLD AND GOT MARRIED YOUNG AND TRIED LIKE HELL TO HAVE KIDS. LIKE SO MANY COUPLES, THEY HAD PROBLEMS GETTING PREGNANT AND HAD SEVERAL MISCARRIAGES OVER THE COURSE OF MANY YEARS. AFTER SAID YEARS, THEY WERE FINALLY ABLE TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY DAUGHTER. WHILE HE WAS UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY FOR THIS INCREDIBLE LITTLE LIFE BEFORE THEM, THERE WAS STILL THIS PART OF HIM THAT STILL WANTED A SON TOO (OKAY SO MAYBE HULK DOES HAVE TO EXPLAIN: IF HULK PLAYING ANALYST, THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT THIS FRIEND HAD A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS OWN FATHER, WHICH WAS TRAGICALLY CUT SHORT). BUT SOON AFTER THAT, HIS WIFE WAS STRICKEN WITH UTERINE CANCER. WHILE THAT HORRIFIC MATTER BECAME THE FOCUS OF THEIR LIVES AND THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY MATTERED, IT WAS ALSO THE END OF THEM HAVING CHILDREN. FOR THOSE WHO ALREADY WORRYING, NO THIS FRIEND THIS FRIEND DIDN'T TRY TO FORCE HIS LITTLE GIRL TO BE THE SON HE ALWAYS WANTED, NOR DID HE GO THE OPPOSITE WAY AND OVERCOMPENSATE WITH GIRL-SPECIFIC EXPECTATIONS OF HER. LIKE ALL GOOD PARENTS, HE WAS SIMPLY THERE FOR HER, ALWAYS IN THE WAYS SHE WANTED OR NEEDED. HE WOULD DO ANYTHING. SOCCER PRACTICE. TEA PARTIES. TRAINING BRAS. HORROR MOVIES. MALLS. BOYS. IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT IT WAS. HE WAS HER FATHER AND HE WAS A GREAT ONE. BECAUSE AS MUCH AS HE HAD EXPECTATIONS ABOUT WHAT HIS FATHERHOOD WOULD ENTAIL, WHEN IT CHANGED HE STILL KNEW TO BE THERE FOR WHATEVER SHE WANTED TO BE.

ALL HULK MEANS TO DO WITH THIS LITTLE PARABLE IS TO POINT OUT SOMETHING THAT HULK'S FRIEND LEARNED THE THE HONEST WAY ON CAN. YOU'VE ALL HEARD IT BEFORE BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY ONE THE SIMPLEST, MOST ARCHAIC CLICHES IN LIFE: SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO STOP WANTING A SON AND LEARN TO YOU LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER.

AND AFTER SUCH A SERIOUS STORY IT MAY SEEM TRIVIAL, MANIPULATIVE, OR EVEN DOWNRIGHT SILLY TO COMPARE IT TO THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT, BUT HULK THINK THE IDEA IS VALID: PEOPLE HAVE REALIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH ANG LEE'S HULK ISN'T THE HULK-MOVIE THEY WANTED, MAYBE THEY SHOULD TRY TO LOVE THE WEIRD HULK-MOVIE IT IS.

FUCK, IN SOME WAYS ANG LEE'S HULK ISN'T REALLY EVEN A HULK MOVIE AT ALL. IT OFTEN PLAYS LIKE GREEK DRAMA, REEKING OF OEDIPAL MANIPULATIONS. OFTEN, THE EMOTIONS AND CHARACTER INTERACTION PLAY LIKE LEE'S TRADITIONAL EASTERN RESERVISM. AT OTHER TIMES, IT GOES SO UTTERLY BIG AND BOMBASTIC (BASICALLY EVERYTHING NOLTE). IT HAS HUGE, LONG SECTIONS OF THE FILM THAT REFRAIN FROM ANY KIND OF ACTION OR TENSION. AND WHEN IT DOES INDULGE IT PLAYS THE ACTION FOR WILDLY INCONSISTENT TONES: GRIM SERIOUSNESS (HIS FIRST HULK-OUT), GREAT FUN (THE TANK FIGHT!), TOTAL BEAUTY (HULK JUMPING THROUGH THE DESERT AND REFLECTING IN THE POOL), ARTISTIC MOSAIC (THE CRAZY END-BATTLE BETWEEN GOD-LIKE FATHER AND SON), OR EVEN WHATEVER THIS IS:

HULK WON'T REALLY BEGRUDGE THESE THINGS. THEY ARE ALL CERTAINLY INTERESTING, ACCOMPLISHED, OR EVEN COMPLEX FORMS. BUT LIKE HULK SAID, THEY ARE SET AGAINST LONG SECTIONS OF THE FILM IT MOSTLY DEALS WITH THIS CONSTANT PLAY BRUCE'S SUBMERGED RAGE AND DADDY ISSUES. NOLTE IS A JOY TO WATCH, BUT HIS SCENERY CHEWING-ING BROADNESS ENSURES HE'S PRETTY MUCH IN HIS OWN MOVIE... OKAY JOSH LUCAS IS IN THAT MOVIE TOO, BUT IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT KIND OF BROADNESS. AND WHILE THESE DECISIONS ARE SOMETHING HULK FIND HUGELY INTERESTING TO WATCH, THERE IS NO DENYING THE FILM IS WILDLY INCONSISTENT AND CONSTANTLY CHANGING THE MOOD AND INTENTION. AND AS SUCH, HULK UNDERSTAND THAT MANY, MANY PEOPLE DID NOT LIKE IT.

BUT WHEN IT COMES TIME TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY, OF COURSE, BLAME THE FUCKING POODLE.

HULK TALKS ABOUT "TANGIBLE DETAILS" ALL THE TIME AND HULK EVEN WROTE OLD COLUMN ABOUT IT, BUT THE SHORT VERSION IS THAT MOVIES HAVE A WAY OF WORKING ON US SUBCONSCIOUSLY AND VISCERALLY. WE INSTINCTIVELY KNOW WHEN WE CAN BE LIKE "OH, IT WAS GOOD!" AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY WITH THAT EXPLANATION. BUT WHEN IT COMES TIME TO EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE DIDN'T WORK WE'RE ALL LIKE "THAT ACTOR'S FACE WAS STUPID!" OR "I HATED IT WHEN..." MOST OF THE TIME WE ARE SIMPLY GRASPING ONTO THE THINGS MOST NOTICEABLE ABOUT THE MOVIE. MOST FOLKS CAN'T ANALYZE TONE CHANGES OR PRINCIPALS OF DRAMA. SO WE ASSIGN THE PROBLEMS TO THE MOST NOTICEABLE THING. LIKE HOW INDY 4 SUCKED BECAUSE SHIA SWING ON TARZAN ROPES. NO, THAT'S JUST A THING THAT HAPPENED. THE MOVIE SUCKED BECAUSE IT HAD THE SCRIPT-LEVEL NARRATIVE MOMENTUM OF A CONFUSED TURTLE AND A CINEMATOGRAPHER MAKE ALL THE WRONG DECISIONS WHEN IT COMES TO INCORPORATING CGI. AND YET WE CLING TO THESE SORTS NARROW "I HATED IT WHEN" SIMPLICITIES ALL THE TIME. AND THAT'S HONESTLY UNDERSTANDABLE. MOST PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE SORTS OF MOVIE MATTERS. JUST LIKE HULK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND STUFF OUTSIDE HULK'S ARENA OF INTERESTS. LIKE HULK CAN LOOK AT A CAR AND NOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG IT AND IT BE LIKE "HULK'S ENGINES SUCKS!" EVEN THOUGH THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. HULK JUST CLINGING TO A TANGIBLE DETAIL.

HULK'S POINT WITH ALL OF THIS IS THAT PEOPLE BRING UP THESE SORTS OF DETAIL THINGS WITH ANG LEE'S HULK ALL THE TIME. THEY WERE DIFFERENT FROM THE COMICS IN THIS WAY! THERE WAS A HULK-POODLE! THEY USED A FREEZE-FRAME! ETC, ETC. IT'S NOT REALLY ANY OF THESE THINGS IN SINGULARITY, HECK, THERE'S PROBABLY A HULK MOVIE OUT THERE WHERE ALL THESE CRAZY THINGS MAKE SENSE AND ARE HILARIOUS. BUT LEE PUT THESE CRAZY THINGS INTO A SURPRISINGLY MOODY GREEK DRAMA. AND THE EFFECT WAS BI-POLAR. BUT EVEN THEN, THIS INCONGRUENT DICHOTOMY WAS NOT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM.

ANG LEE'S HULK ULTIMATELY DOESN'T WORK IS BECAUSE THE FILM DOESN'T HAVE THE BILL BIXBY FACTOR. THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR-COMEDY ROUTE MAY BE INTERESTING AND SOMETHING HULK ENJOY, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE A MAINSTREAM HULK MOVIE THAT WORKS IF YOU LACK A BASIC APPROACH TO ESTABLISHING EMPATHY. BY CHOOSING TO HAVE BRUCE + BETTY BROKEN UP YOU TAKE AWAY THE PERSONAL STAKES. HULK LOVES JENNIFER CONNELLY'S WORK, BUT SHE NATURALLY CONVEYS A SENSE OF TRAGEDY, NOT NECESSARILY EMPATHY. HULK LOVES BANA TOO, BUT HE IS ONLY A VEHICLE FOR THE RAGE HERE AND MISSES THAT BASIC FATHERLY, WARMNESS YOU NEED TO LOVE BANNER AND HIS WELL-MEANING WAYS. THE WHOLE FIRST 40 MINUTES OF THE FILM IS MEANT TO BEING WITHHOLDING OF THE HULK-NESS, BUT WE SPEND THAT ENTIRE TIME WITH A BANNER THAT IS "SHUT OFF." IT DOESN'T DO ANYONE ANY GOOD.

WHICH MEANS ANG LEE MADE ALL THESE INTERESTING, FUN, OR COMPLEX CHOICES, BUT THEY'RE ALMOST WASTED BECAUSE HE JUST DIDN'T REALIZE THE MOST BASIC ELEMENT OF BANNER: HE HAS TO BE THE LAST PERSON YOU WOULD EVER WANT TO TURN INTO THE HULK. NOT THE FIRST... AND CERTAINLY NOT THE ONE YOU'D EVER WANT BATTLING A POODLE... OR SOMETHING.

BUT HEY, IT MAY NOT BE THE SON YOU WANTED, BUT IT COULD BE THE DAUGHTER YOU LEARN TO LOVE.

PART 3- THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008) D. LOUIS LETTERIER.

SO LET'S STICK WITH THE CONCEIT: HERE'S YOUR SON.

ONLY HE DOESN'T DO SO WELL IN SCHOOL. HE SLACKS OFF ON HIS CHORES. HE MIXES SOME THINGS UP. HE DOES THINGS AGAINST YOUR WISHES BUT NOT IN A REBELLIOUS WAY, BUT JUST IN A KIND OF STUPID WAY. IN VERY LEAST, HE'S SOMEWHAT EARNEST AND YOU CAN TELL HE PRETTY MUCH LOVES YOU... EVEN IF HE HAS A CRAP WAY OF SHOWING IT. AND YOU LOVE HIM EVEN THOUGH HE'S KIND OF A SCREW-UP.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE KIND-HEARTED, THEN THIS IS AN APT WAY TO DESCRIBE THE FILM.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK AN INTERESTING ENDEAVOR. FOR ONE, IT TAKES ON THE CURIOUS TASK OF BEING REBOOT/SEQUEL COMING JUST 5 YEARS AFTER THE LAST FILM. IT ALSO COMPLETELY OVERREACTS TO THE CRITICISMS OF THE FIRST FILM AND BENDS OVER BACKWARDS TO FIT IN THE BOTH TV SHOW'S AND MARVEL'S RESPECTIVE ICONOGRAPHIES. SUCH TOUCHES ARE OCCASIONALLY FUN AND SET OFF THAT WARM HAPPY PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT ASSOCIATES THINGS TO OTHER THINGS YOU LIKE. BUT ULTIMATELY, THESE MOMENTS JUST FEEL OBLIGING, LIKE THEY ARE MERELY DOING WHAT IS EXPECTED OF THEM. THE FILMMAKERS SEEM TO LOVE THE TV SHOW, BUT THEY DON'T SEEM TO TAKE GREAT INTEREST IN WHAT THAT ICONOGRAPHY ACTUALLY MEANS. AND YES, NOSTALGIA JUST CAN'T BE A BUNCH OF "HEY, REMEMBER THIS!" IT HAS TO HAVE IN-STORY CONTEXT AND MEANING.

SO FOR ALL THE FILM'S NEAT MOMENTS WHERE YOU CAN SEE IT REALLY TRYING: THE CINEMATIC MEDITATION, NORTON HIDING ALONG HIS JOURNEY, THE QUIET MOMENTS WITH HULK + BETTY, THERE IS STILL A STUNNING LOSS OF ACTUAL MEANING AND RESONANCE. IT ONLY SEEMS TO BE INTERESTED IN A) GOING THROUGH THE ICONOGRAPHY CHECKLIST. B) GOING THROUGH A SEPARATE AND LARGER MARVEL WORLD CHECKLIST. C) GIVING MARTIN STARR AND MICHAEL K. WILLIAMS CAMEOS FOR SOME REASON. AND D) DISREGARDING PRETTY MUCH ALL OTHER IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF BASIC STORYTELLING IN ORDER TO JUST GET ON WITH THE SMASHIES.

APPARENTLY, IT WASN'T ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. THERE WAS A HUGE EDITORIAL CLAPTRAP INVOLVING A 3 WAY FIGHT BETWEEN NORTON, LETTERIER, AND MARVEL, BUT SINCE HULK NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN BLAMING ANYONE SPECIFIC, IT JUST FALLS ON THE COLLECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE MOVIE ITSELF. THE FINAL FILM IS THE FILM. NOTHING MORE. NOTHING LESS.

GOING BY THAT, YOU HAVE TO DEDUCE THAT THE FILM IS MOSTLY CONCERNED WITH SMASHIES. WHEN PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT AUDIENCES JUST WANT SPECTACLE AND ACTION SET-PIECES FROM THEIR MOVIES HULK LIKE TO SUGGEST THAT THAT IDEA IS TOTAL B.S.. MOSTLY BECAUSE IT'S DESPERATELY UNTRUE. THERE'S A REASON SPIELBERG MOVIES ARE ALWAYS BIG FREAKING HITS AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING "THE BEST FILMMAKER" BUT INSTEAD BEING THE FILMMAKER MOST CONCERNED WITH EMPATHY AND AUDIENCE AFFECTATION. DEVIN JUST HAD A GREAT REVIEW OF WAR HORSE WHERE HE EXPLAINS HOW IMPORTANT CAREFUL MANIPULATION IS TO CINEMA WHY SPIELBERG THEREFORE RESONATES. HULK ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE THE SAME TO BE TRUE. PEOPLE SECRETLY LOVE EMPATHY. THEY SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS AT EMPTY SET-PIECES AND SAY MOVIES LIKE TRON ARE BAD BECAUSE OF "BAD ACTING" OR SOMETHING. IT'S BECAUSE THESE SPECTACLE MOVIES HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CREATE CHARACTER-BASED DRAMA AND EMPATHY. WHEN THEY DO? HECK SKIES THE LIMIT! PEOPLE EVEN CRAP ON THE TRANSFORMERS MOVIES AS BEING EMPTY SPECTACLE, BUT ALL THEIR SUCCESS IS DUE TO THE MEREST FEW MOMENTS IN THE FIRST ONE WHERE BAY MANAGED TO EEK OUT SOME MANNER OF AFFECTION FOR, UM, THE YELLOW CAR OR WHATEVER.

AND THE PROBLEM WITH THE INCREDIBLE HULK IS THAT THE FILM ITSELF JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET TO THE SPECTACLE. HULK WENT BACK AND WATCHED IT THIS WEEK AND THERE'S SO MANY RUSHED SCENES WHERE HULK LIKE "NO, HULK JUST WANTED ONE MORE SEC WITH- NO, WAIT, NOT AGAIN- SLOW DOWN!" AND LIKE BANA, THERE JUST SOMETHING SO UN-BIXBY-IAN ABOUT NORTON. HE'S OBVIOUSLY A GOOD ACTOR, BUT ALL HIS WORK SEEMS TO PROJECT A RANGE OF INTELLECTUAL, SNIVELING, IMPOTENT, OR EVEN MALEVOLENT. SOME OF WHICH OF COURSE WORK FOR BANNER, BUT IT MISSES THAT BASIC RELATE-ABILITY AND EMPATHY THAT HULK ILLUSTRATED WAS SO IMPORTANT EARLIER. IT SOME POINTS THEY DO THEIR DAMNEDEST TO SHOW IT HIS HANG-DOG EXPRESSION OR LONELY-MAN WALK, BUT AT THE SCRIPT LEVEL THERE IS NO ACCOMPANYING REASON FOR IT TO RESONATE. IT IS APROPOS OF ONLY ITSELF.

BEYOND THAT, THE THEMES AND INTENTIONS OF THE FILM ARE PRETTY JACKED UP TOO. UNLIKE ANG LEE'S MOVIE, WHICH WAS AT LEAST CLEAR AND INTERESTED IN ITS MANIFESTATION OF THE HULK AS THE RAGE-MONSTER, THIS ONE IS DEFINITELY MORE INTERESTED IN THE HULK AS THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF HEROISM. FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THAT UBER-JESUS-Y MOMENT WHERE NORTON FALLS OUT OF THE HELICOPTER AND RISES! AS THE HULK! AND THE FIGHT THERE IS NEVER ANY QUESTION OF THE HULK BEING OUT OF CONTROL OR BEING UNHEROIC. HE'S JUST A SUPER-STRONG GOOD GUY. IT'S AN OBVIOUS GESTURE TO TRY AND TURN THE HULK CHARACTER INTO THE SUPERHERO THAT IS WANTED AND NEEDED LATER FOR THE AVENGERS (MAYBE?), BUT IF THE PURPOSE IS TO MAKE HIM A HERO, WHY IS THE FILM IS EQUALLY OBSESSED WITH THE CURE AND SUPPRESSION OF HIS HULKNESS? WE KNOW IT'S WHAT BANNER WANTS, BUT IS IT WHAT THE FILM AND AUDIENCE WANTS? OR DID THEY JUST WRITE IT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN HULK STORIES? IT'S JUST ONE OF MANY INCONGRUITIES. THROUGHOUT THE FILM WE SEE NORTON BEING HUNTED, BUT WE RARELY SEEM HIM AS A PERSON WITH INTENTIONS OR GOODNESS. SURE THERE'S ONE OF THE QUICKEST OF GESTURES OF HELPING A WOMAN WHO IS JUST, LIKE, THERE AT THE PLANT FOR SOME REASON. AND THEN THEY USE THE TIME-TESTED MANEUVER OF GIVING HIM A DOGGY. BUT ANY FORM OF EMPATHY IS REALLY JUST ASSUMED. IT'S PRECISELY THE LAZINESS OF BIG-BUDGET FILMMAKING HULK FIND TROUBLESOME. ASSUMED EMPATHY. HIS STORY STILL DOESN'T MATTER MUCH TO THE AUDIENCE AND THAT'S BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THE MOVIE ITSELF. IT CLEARLY JUST WANTS NORTON TO TURN INTO THE HULK AND EMBRACE IT (AND ASSUMES THAT'S ALL WE WANT TO), BUT NARRATIVELY IT SPENDS THE ENTIRE RUNNING TIME TRYING TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING. HULK GUESS THEY'RE TRYING TO, LIKE, MANUFACTURE DRAMA BY BEING WITHHOLDING OR SOMETHING, BUT THERE IS NEVER A SCENARIO WHERE WE DON'T WANT HIM TO HULK-OUT IN THIS MOVIE. AND REMEMBER, YOU DON'T ALWAYS WANT HIM TO TURN INTO THE HULK.

SO, ONCE AGAIN, THE CASE OF MOVIES HAVING THE IRRECONCILABLE THEMES RAISES ITS UGLY HEAD. IF YOU WANT AN AUDIENCE TO BE INVESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT A REASON TO CARE OR THINK THAT WAY. THIS FILM DOESN'T WORK. MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS DIRECTED BY SOMEONE NOT ALL THAT AWARE, MAYBE BECAUSE ALL OF NORTON'S INTERESTING IDEAS WERE CUT OUT, OR MAYBE BECAUSE MARVEL WAS SO AFRAID TO HAVE ANOTHER "THINKY" FILM RELEASED AND DEMANDED THEY CUT LOTS OF THE THOUGHTFUL STUFF OUT. IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT WHAT ENDS UP ON SCREEN IS A FILM THAT WANTS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS OF THE AUDIENCE AND REALLY DOESN'T DO THE JOB NEEDED TO DO EITHER.

HULK REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HULK DUMPING ON THE MOVIE. HULK NO MEAN TO. IT DOES A LOT OF THINGS WELL. SOME NICE LOCATION WORK. SOME PRETTY SEAMLESS EFFECT WORK. SOLID PERFORMANCES. BUT UNLIKE ANG LEE'S FILM, IT SUFFERS FROM THE FATE OF MODERATION. THERE IS THIS HOPELESS VANILLA QUALITY TO THE WHOLE THING THAT MAKES IT ALL SO STRANGELY FORGETABLE. HULK SAW IT THIS WEEK, BUT HULK REMEMBERS SO MUCH MORE OF LEE'S MOVIE. IT'S JUST SO CURIOUS TO HULK THAT TWO MOVIES COULD COVER THE SAME SUBJECT MATTER, BOTH CLAIM TO LOVE THE SAME TV SHOW, BOTH GO IN SUCH WILDLY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, AND THEN BOTH ULTIMATELY MISS THE SAME CRITICAL THING.

ALL BOTH FILMS NEEDED WAS TO GET AN AUDIENCE TO GO "NO! NOT NOW! ANY TIME BUT NOW!" BECAUSE THAT'S REAL DRAMA. THE HULK, AND EVERY TRADITIONAL SUPERHERO REALLY, NEEDS TO BE ABOUT EMPATHY. HULK MENTIONED THE BEARD BEFORE, BUT HULK ALWAYS THOUGHT SPIELBERG COULD MAKE THE BEST HULK FILM ON THE PLANET (LET'S BE HONEST, HE COULD MAKE A LOT OF "BEST" KINDS OF FILMS). IT WOULDN'T BE JUST BECAUSE HE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO WITH BANNER, BUT EVEN THE HULK ITSELF. HIS HULK WOULD BE MUCH LESS THE SUPPRESSED RAGE MONSTER OR THE AVATAR OF HEROIC DESTRUCTION, BUT INSTEAD THE NOBLE SPIELBERGIAN CREATURE EQUAL PARTS WONDER, TERROR, AND AWE. IT SORT OF SPEAKS TO THE NATURAL ANIMAL INCARNATION OF THE HULK THAT WAS MENTIONED IN PART 1, A VERSION OF THAT HULK WISHED APPEARED IN THE MYTHOS A LITTLE MORE THAN IT ACTUALLY DOES.

BUT HEY, THIS IS ALL JUST WAXING ON WANTS AND NEEDS.

BECAUSE, ULTIMATELY, THE TWO FILMS ARE WHAT THEY ARE. THE FIRST FILM SWINGS FOR THE FENCES WITH A WEIRD PSYCHOLOGICAL APPROACH THAT IS KIND OF INTERESTING AND DIFFERENT AND DOESN'T QUITE MAKE IT. THE SECOND FILM SWUNG FOR A SAFE-BASE HIT, ROUNDED FIRST AND TRIPPED OVER THE BAG. THE FIRST FORGETS EMPATHY AND THE TV MYTHOS IN THE PURSUIT OF HAIR-BRAINED TRAUMA OR RESERVED DRAMATIC UNDERSTATEMENT. THE SECOND FILM REMEMBERS THE MYTHOS, BUT FORGETS EMPATHY IN THE PURSUIT OF LOUD-SMASHINESS. THE TWO FILMS ARE REALLY QUITE DIFFERENT. WHICH MAKES IT FUNNY THAT THE TWO FILMS, ECONOMICALLY SPEAKING, ENJOYED THE SAME EXACT LEVEL OF SUCCESS. THERE WAS A LOT OF TALK OF THE REBOOT BEING CONSIDERED A "SUCCESS" BUT THAT HAS SINCE SOFTENED (WE'LL SEE HOW THE HULK COMES OUT IN AVENGERS). YET, THERE ARE FIRMLY-SET CAMPS BEHIND EACH OF THE TWO FILMS. AND EVERY TIME HULK INQUIRE WITH THOSE PEEPS, HULK SEEM TO GET A HUGE RANGE OF ANSWERS AS WHY ONE IS GOOD AND THE OTHER IS BAD. AND IT SEEMS LIKE NEITHER FILM IS OUTRIGHT LIONIZED. IT'S WHOLLY STRANGE SITUATION REALLY. HULK CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT IN MOVIE-DOM.

BUT FOR THIS HULK RIGHT HERE, NEITHER FILM IS THE ONE HULK TRULY WANTED.

BUT THEY ARE BOTH LOVED AND APPRECIATED, EACH IN THEIR OWN WAY.

*NOTE: THIS ART BY THE GREAT CHRISTOPHER UMINGA. HULK ALWAYS TRY MENTION AND LINK, AND GET ASKED ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. SO ALWAYS CHECK OUT HIS STUFF. GOOGLE SEARCH SHOWS THE BEST STUFF AND HERE'S HIS WEBSITE.

PART 4 - FILM CRIT HULK, AS A HULK

HULK WOULD LOVE TO LEAVE IT AT THAT, BUT IT SEEMS THAT WHILE WE ON THE SUBJECT OF WHAT MAKES A GOOD HULK, IT AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO TALK ABOUT WHY HULK TALK LIKE THE HULK. HULK HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS THAT JUST URGE HULK TO NOT EVEN BRING IT UP, TO DO HULK'S THING AND SAY "SCREW THE HATERS." DOING SO WOULD PROBABLY BE A GOOD USE OF HULK'S TIME, BUT THAT JUST NOT HOW HULK IS BUILT. HULK LIKES TO ENGAGE. AND MORE THAN THAT, HULK JUST WANT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND.

FOR STARTERS, A GOOD MAJORITY OF YOU SEEM TO DIG HULK'S WRITING AND HULK TRULY THANK FOR THAT. HULK DIG IT TOO! BUT THERE STILL A FEW FOLKS WHO KEEP BRINGING UP THE HULK-SPEAK AND FINDING IT DISTRACTING (OF WHICH BRINGING IT UP IS IT'S OWN FORM OF DISTRACTION). AND THERE ARE ALSO THOSE WHO SIMPLY CAN'T READ ALL-CAPS. WHILE HULK ADDRESSED THIS BACK ON THE OLD SITE, PERHAPS IT TIME TO ADDRESS ANEW.

FIRST OFF, HULK REALLY TURNS INTO A GIANT 12 FOOT TALL GREEN MONSTER TO WRITE THESE ARTICLES AND NONE OF YOU CAN PROVE OTHERWISE. SO THERE.

SECOND OFF, THE HULK-SPEAK NOT GOING ANYWHERE. SO IF YOUR INTENT IS REALLY TO GET HULK TO CHANGE, IT NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. THE REASONS FOR WHY WILL BE DETAILED BELOW AND HOPEFULLY SUFFICIENT. SO MUCH SO THAT IF ANYONE BRING IT UP AGAIN HULK CAN JUST LINK TO THIS PIECE AND SAY "GO TO PART 4."

THIRD OFF, HULK REALLY SORRY IF EYE-STRAIN THE ISSUE. HULK KNOW IT ANNOYING, BUT HULK FIND THAT IT ONLY OCCUR IN ABOUT 5% OF READERS. THE REST EITHER LIKE IT OR CAN ADJUST. AS POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS TO EYE-STRAIN, HULK FIND THAT EITHER ZOOMING OUT DOES WONDERS OR A FEW READERS HAVE POINTED TO http://www.convertcase.net/ AS A GREAT SOLUTION. SO, UM, JUST KEEP IT BOOKMARKED? HULK SORRY FOR THE EXTRA STEP, BUT AGAIN THERE ARE SUFFICIENT REASONS HULK DOES THIS.

SO HERE ARE THE, YOU KNOW, REASONS:

#1. - EVERY DAY. HULK GETS 1-3 MESSAGES SAYING THAT ALL-CAPS IS HARD TO READ OR THAT HULK SHOULD STOP BEING A STUPID-HEAD. AND EVERYDAY HULK GET ABOUT 30-50 MESSAGES OF SUPPORT OR INQUIRY, MOST SAYING TO KEEP IT UP AND NEVER, EVER CHANGE. SIMPLE MATH INDICATES HULK SHOULD KEEP IT.

#2. - SOME THEN ARGUE "But aren't you just excluding potential readers?" NO. THE HULK-NESS HAVE ADVANTAGES THAT RANGE FROM SIMPLE DISTINCTION, TO PEOPLE REALLY ENJOYING HULK'S HULK-NESS, TO A VERY SPECIFIC READING AFFECT THAT HULK WILL GET INTO IN A BIT. HONESTLY, IT SERVES AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT FUNCTION IN HULK'S WRITING. PLUS, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH DOING SOMETHING A FEW PEOPLE DON'T CARE FOR IF A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE IT (NOTE: THIS LOGIC DOES NOT APPLY TO THINGS THAT OBVIOUSLY HURT PEOPLE. LIKE HATE SPEECH. HULK-TALK FAIRLY INNOCUOUS).

#3.- SOME ARGUE "Why don't you just come out and use your real name? Who wouldn't want people to know who they are? It's ridiculous" - WHY FOR BANNER'S SAFETY OF COURSE! IT IMPERATIVE! AFTER ALL, HULK BEAT UP ALL THOSE SOLDIER GUYS BACK AT CULVER UNIVERSITY SO HULK ON THE RUN.

#4. - SOME ARGUE "The shtick is kind of old at this point. The joke wore thin. He should just move on." TO DO THIS IS TO ASSUME THAT ONE'S PERSONAL TIMELINE IS THE ONLY TIMELINE IN THE UNIVERSE. PEOPLE DISCOVER HULK EVERYDAY. PEOPLE FORGOT ABOUT HULK LONG AGO. YOU ALL HAVE PERSONAL TIMELINES WITH HULK. HULK THE ONLY ONE AWARE OF THE COLLECTIVE TIMELINE OF INTEREST THE COVERS EVERYONE. AND THE COLLECTIVE TIMELINE GOING VERY WELL. AND HULK HAVE MOST OF YOU TO THANK FOR THAT. SO AGAIN, THANK YOU.

#5. - SOME ARGUE THAT "It must be a burden." IT NOT BURDEN. IT WONDERFUL. HULK LOVE IT. SERIOUSLY.

#6. - SOME ARGUE THAT "If he just wrote normal, it would be so much better and he wouldn't be excluding people." WHAT FUNNY ABOUT THIS ARGUMENT (AND ALL OF THE ABOVE ARGUMENTS REALLY) THAT IT MAKES THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THAT HULK DOESN'T KNOW THE RESULTS OF HULK WRITING AS BANNER. UM. HULK HATE BREAK IT TO YOU BUT HULK HAS SPENT LIFETIME WRITING AS BANNER. HULK STILL WRITES AS BANNER, JUST ELSEWHERE. HULK USE THE EXACT SAME KIND OF PROSE. AND GUESS WHAT?

THE REACTION FROM PEOPLE REGARDING TO THE CONTENT IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

THE NEXT PART IS SOMETHING HULK NEVER WANTED TO REALLY TALK ABOUT PUBLICLY. WHY? WELL IT SORT OF "EXPLAINING THE JOKE" BUT SINCE HULK'S ENTIRE APPROACH TO EVERYTHING BASICALLY A CASE OF "EXPLAINING THE JOKE" HULK THOUGHT IT PROBABLY FAIR. FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HULK BEEN HULKING-OUT, THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE IN THE LAST COMMENT THREAD WHO KEYED IN TO EXACTLY HOW IT WORKS.

TREVOR LA PAY (WHO ACTUALLY A VERY GOOD WRITER! CHECK HIM OUT!): People say that Science Fiction is a great vehicle for ideas because it's estranging, and helps us get enough distance from those ideas to view them more clearly. Hulkspeak is estranging in a similar way. It's very neat, I think. This was a great article as usual, but as a bonus, I learned that Miles Straume was in X-3.

AND...

MATTHEW LEGARE: And, without getting too deep into WHY THE ALL CAPS AND HULK SPEAK ANYWAY I can't help but think there's a variation of the principles put forth in "The Mechanics of Laughter" - HULK SPEAK WHEN COMBINED WITH DETAILED INSIGHT BREAK BONDS OF MECHANICAL THINKING THUS ENABLE READER TO APPROACH SUBJECT MATTER IN NON-REFLEXIVE MANNER AND JUDGE ESSAY BASED ON CONTENT RATHER THAN PRE-ESTABLISHED CONTEXT. Phew. Now I have to find another pair of pants. This pair's all split now. Where *does* one find a pair of purple stretch slacks anyway?

TWO GREAT COMMENTS. AND WHILE WHAT THEY DESCRIBING MAY SOUND LIKE SOME HIGHFALUTIN NONSENSE, BUT IT'S ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY TRUE. HULK HAS SPENT A LONG TIME TALKING ABOUT THIS CONCEPT WITH SOME OF THE BRIGHTEST MINDS ON THE PLANET (THAT IS NOT AN UNDERSTATEMENT. HULK WAS LUCKY). MORE IMPORTANTLY, HULK SEE THIS EXACT THING HAPPEN EVERY DAY IN COMPARISON TO "BANNER-MODE." SO TRUST HULK, IT WORKS. PEOPLE CONNECT TO THE IDEAS AND THEIR DEBATES HAVE NOTHING DO WITH HULK'S PERCEIVED INTENTIONS OR AGENDAS, BUT THE MERITS OF THE IDEAS THEMSELVES. AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT SHOULD BE. HULK STILL IMAGINE THERE A BUNCH OF YOU WHO DON'T BUY THIS EXPLANATION AND THAT'S FINE. THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY HAS TO ATTEST TO IT'S VALIDITY ARE HULK AND THE FINE PEOPLE AT BADASS. BUT LUCKILY, MANY OF YOU READERS IMPLICITLY OR ACTIVELY REALIZE THIS AND IT HAS BECOME SO MUCH FUN TO TALK TO YOU ALL. REALLY AND TRULY. ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW THAT HULK A REAL HULK!

#7. - SOME THEN ARGUE "Fine, if you're so convinced the writing works, it's still way too long to read." HULK ARGUE THE WRITING NOT LONG, THE SUBJECTS ARE LONG. THE WORLD IS FULL OF EVERYONE WALKING AROUND TRYING TO PAINT A PICTURE OF REALITY IN THE THE SHORTEST, LEAST COMPREHENSIVE STROKES POSSIBLE. WHICH ISN'T ALWAYS PRODUCTIVE. THIS WILL SOUND ABSURD HULK REALLY JUST TRIES TO TAKE AS LITTLE TIME AS POSSIBLE TO DELVE INTO SUBJECTS WITHOUT CUTTING CORNERS. THINK ABOUT HOW BROAD MOST OF THESE TOPICS ARE. A LOT OF THEM COULD BE FULL-ON BOOKS. SOMETIMES HULK EVEN CAME CLOSE! (HULK'S ACTION COLUMNS WITH TOM TOWNEND TOOK UP 120+ WORD PAGES). SO YUP, THEY'RE LONG! BUT LONG THINGS ARE WORTH IT SOMETIMES TOO. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO BE TOO RARE NOWADAYS. AND IF YOU ARGUE "the internet is for short stuff!" HULK DISAGREE. BOOKS, PAPER, PAGES, ARE FINITE. THE INTERNET IS ENDLESS. HULK CAN LINK TO REAL LIVE VIDEOS YOU CAN INTERACTIVE AND WE CAN COMMENT TOGETHER. THE INTERNET IS NOT SHORT. IT'S ONLY LIMIT IS OUR MINDS.

AND BEST PART IS THE COLUMNS ARE THAT THEY ARE ONLY THE BEGINNING. AN INTRODUCTION. A LOT OF YOU HAVE CAUGHT ONTO THE FACT THAT COMMENTS SECTIONS ARE WHERE SOME REALLY THINGS REALLY GET COOKING. WHERE THE IDEAS ARE DELVED INTO WITH INCREDIBLE NUANCE. YOU ALL ASKED SUCH AMAZING QUESTIONS IN HULKS "ARE GAME ART?" COLUMN ABOUT MODERN WARFARE, THAT IT TOTALLY REDEFINED HULK'S APPROACH! HULK COULD LIKELY WRITE A PART TWO TO EVERY COLUMN AFTER ALL YOUR AMAZING INPUT. AND THAT FOLKS, IS WHY HULK HAPPILY REPLIES ON EVERY ALMOST GODDAMN COMMENT YOU MAKE (NOTE: IF HULK DOESN'T IT USUALLY A FUNCTION OF TIME OR NOT BEING ABLE TO THINK OF A WAY TO IMPROVE OR COUNTER TO WHAT YOU SAYING! GOOD JOB). JUST KNOW THAT HULK LOVES THAT YOU COMMENT. THAT YOU TAKE TIME. THAT YOU PROCESS. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF THIS ABOUT. IT'S A COMMUNAL PROCESS, NOT A SINGULAR ONE FOR HULK ALONE.

#8. - SOME ARGUE "Fine! But you still don't even talk like the hulk! It's not even funny!"

IF WE GONNA GET ALL LOGICAL ABOUT IT, THEN THINK BACK TO WHEN HULK DETAILED EARLIER THERE A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT HULKS. JOE FIXIT, SAVAGE HULK. NOW THERE RED HULK. THE HULK HAS ALWAYS BEEN SOMETHING MALLEABLE AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING. IT ONE OF THE THINGS THAT DELIGHT THIS HULK ABOUT THE MASSIVE RANGE OF TWITTER HULKS OUT THERE. THE CHARACTER CAN BE USED IN SO MANY WAYS. AS FOR THE FILMCRITHULK BEFORE YOU, THIS IS WHO HULK IS. AND IT IS A HULK THAT WRITES 10,000 WORD ESSAYS. THAT FINDS THAT THOSE ESSAYS WORK BEST IF HULK USE THIS KIND OF LANGUAGE (HULK LEARN GOOD!). SURE, THE HULK-SPEAK MAY SPUTTERS WHEN APPROPRIATE, BUT IT ALL FITS THIS HULK.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY HULK THINK IT SERVES A REALLY NEAT THEMATIC PURPOSE. HULK SPENDS SO MUCH TIME BEING CONCERNED WITH THEMATIC REASONS IN MOVIES, IS POSSIBLE THAT HULK REALLY HAVE A THEME HERE TOO?

YUP! LET'S GO BACK TO SOMETHING HULK SAID EARLIER.

STILL, THE ONE THING THAT IS CLEAR ABOUT EACH OF THESE VERSIONS IS THAT THE HULK IS ALWAYS ABOUT SURFACES. A THICK GREEN EXTERIOR. SOMETHING EASILY JUDGED, FEARED, SPOTTED, AND REACTED TO. THE HULK IS ALWAYS PRONOUNCED, BUT ALL THESE NOTICEABLE SURFACES HIDES A BEATING HEART UNDERNEATH. THERE ARE SIMPLY LAYERS TO EACH OF THEM, WHETHER THEY BE RAGE, SOFTNESS, DESIRE, OR CONSCIOUS THOUGHT. TO LOOK AT THE HULK AND REACT IS TO SIMPLY BELIE THE CLARITY UNDERNEATH.

HULKS ARE ABOUT SURFACES AND THEN WHAT'S UNDERNEATH. WHICH MEANS THAT PERHAPS THE SIMPLEST EXPLANATION OF ALL OF THIS IS DO NOTHING BUT PROMOTE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE OLD, ARCHAIC TRUTHS YOU LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN, THAT PERHAPS IT'S BEST NOT JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS COVER. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE FIRST HEAR ABOUT HULK AND SAY, SOMETHING LIKE "IT TALKS LIKE THE HULK, BUT HE KIND OF HAS A POINT!" THE ANSWER IS A LOT. AND IT A WONDERFULLY DISARMING LITTLE MOMENT. AND IF WE'RE GOING TO UPDATE THE LANGUAGE TO THAT OLD PROVERB, THEN THE CAPS AND "YELLING" ARE SIMPLY SURFACE WHICH COULD EASILY BELIE WHAT THE CLARITY OF WHAT REALLY IS UNDERNEATH.

IT IS SIMPLY A SURFACE. HARD TO READ. INARTICULATE. MAYBE EVEN FRUSTRATING, BUT IT IS A MASK AND DELIVERY THAT HULK THINK ALLOWS FOR A CERTAIN KIND OF TRUTH... MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WILL, BUT HULK KNOWS WHAT WHAT HULK SEES IN HULK-SELF: A BIG, GREEN MONSTER WITH A BIG HEART, SOME CLUMSY FINGERS, AN UNWIELDY BRAIN, AND A SOFT-SPOT FOR MOVIES.

AND FOLKS, IS A CAPITAL T-TRUTH.

#9. - AND LASTLY, HULK DO IT FOR THE READER THAT COMES AROUND.

ABOUT ONCE A WEEK HULK GET A MESSAGE FROM A READER SAYING THEY THOUGHT THE CAPS LOCK / HULK-SPEAK WAS STUPID AT FIRST AND THEN THEY CAME TO JUST SORT OF IGNORE IT, AND THEN EVENTUALLY EVEN LIKE WHAT HULK DO HERE. HULK FIND THIS TOUCHING. NO, NOT BECAUSE OF SOME NONSENSE ABOUT GLOATING OR BEING "RIGHT." THERE IS NO RIGHT AND WRONG IN THE SCENARIO. IT IS ABOUT UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER. HULK REALLY DESPERATELY TRIES TO UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU COMING FROM WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY HULK SPEND SO MUCH TIME LISTENING AND RESPONDING. ALL HULK CAN ASK IS THAT, IN RETURN, YOU TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HULK DOING HERE TOO.

AND ONCE YOU UNDERSTAND, YOUR REACTIONS CAN RUN THE GAMUT OF WELCOMED ENTHUSIASM, MILD ANNOYANCE OF HAVING TO CHANGE CASE, THINKING THAT THERE NOT MUCH POINT TO IT, OR EVEN FINDING THE WHOLE ARGUMENT A LITTLE SILLY. BUT DON'T JUST ASSUME THAT HULK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING HERE. HULK UNDERSTANDS BETTER THAN ANYONE. AND ULTIMATELY HULK LOVES IT AND HULK REALLY SEES IT WORK. SO ALL HULK ASK IS TO EITHER OBLIGE AND STEP AWAY, OR COME ON DOWN AND ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

HULK WOULD BE GLAD TO HAVE YOU BECAUSE HULK HONESTLY THINK THIS A LOT OF FUN. IN THIS WEEKS BATMAN COLUMN, THE COMMENTS SECTION STARTED WITH MORE HULK-SPEAK NONSENSE FOR THE FIRST 20 COMMENTS, BUT IN THE 280+ AFTER THAT? THERE WAS SOME REALLY AMAZING INSIGHTS FROM READERS AND HULK LOVE TO HAVE AS MANY PEOPLE BE A PART OF THE CONVERSATION AS POSSIBLE.

SO JOIN HULK. AGAIN, IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING "WRONG" BUT UNDERSTANDING HULK'S INTENTION. BUT HULK STILL REALIZE THAT ADMITTING YOU ARE "WRONG" IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO ON THE PLANET. AND IT WOULD BE SILLY OF HULK TO EXPECT ANYONE TO DO SO, WITHOUT HULK DOING THE SAME FOR HULK-SELF.

SO IN THAT SPIRIT HERE A LIST OF THE MOST HUGE, SILLY, DEEPLY-PERSONAL THINGS HULK WAS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WRONG ABOUT. THE LIST IS PRESENTED IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER:

- THAT MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE WOULD BE HULK'S FAVORITE MOVIE EVER

- THAT IT OKAY TO CALL SOMEONE A FAG WHEN YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF THEM

- THAT THE CANCER WOULDN'T COME BACK, BECAUSE HULK JUST A LITTLE-HULK AND THAT WOULD BE CRUEL OF THE UNIVERSE

- THAT NO ONE CAN SEE THAT BONER

- THAT BEING AFRAID TO ASK HER OUT WAS FINE, BECAUSE SHE WOULD PROBABLY REJECT HULK ANYWAY

- THAT RADIOHEAD TRULY CARED ABOUT HULK'S UNDYING DEVOTION

- THAT HULK CAN TOTALLY JUST KEEP RUNNING THE MARATHON ON THAT AILING KNEE, YUP. NO PROBLEMS THERE.

- THAT THAT "GIMMICK" FILMMAKER CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WOULD NEVER BECOME ANYTHING BECAUSE MEMENTO WAS AN EMPTY GESTURE OF FORM INVERSION WITH LITTLE RELATIVE POINT.

- THAT IT OKAY TO TELL A GOOD FRIEND A SECRET WHEN YOUR OTHER GOOD FRIEND ASKED THAT YOU KEEP IT A SECRET.

- THAT FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY WOULDN'T BE THE WORST WAY TO KEEP SOME TEENAGERS OCCUPIED.

- THAT HE WOULD BE FINE WITHOUT REHAB

- THAT HULK WAS THE MATURE ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP

- THAT DRIVING HEAD FIRST INTO AN ARIZONA SNOWSTORM WOULD BE FINE DESPITE MULTIPLE WARNINGS, BECAUSE C'MON HOW BAD COULD COULD AN ARIZONA SNOWSTORM REALLY BE? (HINT: TOTALLY ALMOST DIED!)

- THAT HULK DIDN'T NEED TO BE THERE

- THAT HULK SHOULDN'T PUNCH BRETT RATNER IN THE FACE EVEN THOUGH HE'S RIGHT THERE!

-THAT JUST BECAUSE HULK NICE, THE WORLD THEREFORE OWED HULK SOMETHING FOR BEING NICE

- AND LASTLY, THAT WRITING 10,000 WORD ESSAYS IN HULK-SPEAK WOULD BE AMUSING OR INTERESTING TO ANYONE IN THE UNIVERSE BESIDES HULK-SELF. BECAUSE THE SIMPLEST TRUTH WAS THAT IF NO ONE WAS READING, HULK WOULD BE DOING THIS ANY WAY. WHAT ELSE WOULD A 12 FOOT TALL GREEN MONSTER THAT LIVES IN THE INTERNET DO? BUT LUCKILY, HULK FOUND SOME PEOPLE THAT EITHER INDULGE WHAT HULK DOING HERE, OR MAYBE EVEN LIKE IT.

AND SO, ON THIS DAY THAT IS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, HULK JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS MASSIVE, GAMMA-IRRADIATED HEART.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

<3 HULK A.K.A. Dr. Bruce Banner

P.S. SCREENWRITING 101 COLUMN IN THE WORKS FOR SOON! ... ISH! A LOT OF YOU SAID HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY THE ACTING + ACTION COLUMNS SO THIS WILL BE LIKE THAT. AND SOON AFTER THAT? A SERIES OF BIG COLUMNS WITH SEVERAL OTHER BADASSERS THAT CONCERN SOMETHING HUGELY IMPORTANT TO CINEMA. LIKE, 50% OF THE WORLD IMPORTANT.

P.S.S. SINCE HULK LIKES CHRISTMAS SO MUCH THE FIRST ONE OF YA'LL TO SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND BADASS DIGEST, YOU MAGNIFICENT HULK BASTARD!" GETS SEASON 1 DVD OF COMMUNITY STRAIGHT FROM HULK. PLEASE, ONLY IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW! (OH SNAP! HULK HIDES PRIZE GIVEAWAYS NEAR THE BOTTOM!)

P.S.S.S. THERE'S ONLY ONE REAL WAY TO END THIS...