Video by

I was home on self-isolation, having tested positive for Covid-19, when I first heard President Donald Trump likening the coronavirus pandemic to a war. I initially bristled at the idea of comparing a health care worker to a soldier. Then I returned to work in the busiest emergency department in New York City, and realized that the pronouncement was truer than I could have imagined. Each shift, health care workers enter a battleground thick with the infectious toxicity that this virus had released all around us. The layers of PPE, or personal protective equipment, were not only uncomfortable; they obscured our identities from each other. I no longer looked the way I had been seen, and could not always recognize my coworkers as I had immediately before. It seems like a small detail during a catastrophic time, but this difference can change dynamics drastically. Soon, however, I noticed individual traits of my colleagues with more clarity: their gaits, voices, and sometimes even footsteps came into sharper focus. I experienced with more clarity than ever before the bonds between myself and the other nurses. Our experiences leading up to this time seemed to be practice for this pandemic: the big event.

In the ER, we are surrounded by patients who are struggling for hours on end, no progress made — patients who are so exhausted from trying to breathe that they consent to whatever treatment you have to offer. One of the most devastating things to witness is patients suffering and dying alone, with no loved ones allowed at bedside. This is a problem borne out of a solution; visitors are restricted from visiting their loved ones in the hospital in order to halt the spread of the disease. Witnessing this catastrophe alone would have been unbearable. It’s devastating that despite working in the same capacity as a nurse, I felt more powerless in what I can do for a patient in the worst of times. But it’s something I had to learn to accept: The limits that exist are insurmountable within the structures we have in place in our hospitals and broader health care system. My fellow nurses have been exactly the kind of support for me that I wish my patients could have for themselves in these times. The candor they have shown while sharing their thoughts, anxieties, and fears has allowed me to abide such a terrifying experience.