INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off. “These guys keep freaking out about the guest list and wedding cake like any of that will matter once their friends and family gaze upon these Edisons and have their goddamn minds blown straight out of their skulls,” said wedding planner Martha Lindberg, noting that over the course of her career, she has hung thousands of the replica light bulbs and never once failed to see wedding guests practically shit themselves on cue upon seeing their vintage yellowish-orange hue and exposed filaments. “Listen, this isn’t my first rodeo stringing these bad boys up. So I wish Ashley and Brad would just relax a little about their floral arrangements and choice of photographer. Because once these babies start radiating their warm, retro-style glow, the only worry their aunts and grandmothers will have is how they’re going to pick up their fucking jaws off the floor.” At press time, sources confirmed that the couple had moved on to fretting about the order of their wedding playlist, as if anyone will give half a shit once Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” starts blasting on the dance floor.

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