BOSTON—Following an alarming episode in which New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a mild sprain to his left knee, government officials confirmed Thursday that Massachusetts has been evacuated in order to prevent the state’s populace from having any contact with the star athlete’s knee. “Though we’ve received word that Brady’s MRI showed no structural damage, as a precautionary measure, I have issued an executive order mandating that every man, woman, and child currently living in the state disperse immediately so as to avoid any chance of aggravating his injury,” said Governor Deval Patrick, urging Massachusetts’ 6.6 million inhabitants to seek temporary residence in any one of the neighboring states pending further instruction. “While these measures may pose a minor inconvenience to our citizenry, it is of utmost importance that we do everything in our power to ensure that Brady enjoys a complete, trouble-free recovery and is back at full strength by Week 1. You really can’t be too careful with this sort of thing.” Patrick added that as Brady recuperates, the Patriots quarterback should feel free to use any of the state’s vacated houses and abandoned possessions as he sees fit.

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