The good donuts are for important employees.

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who had the gall to take the best donut in the box for himself.


As recounted by multiple office sources, the easily dispensable Schuler took the premium donut after a selection of complimentary pastries, bagels, and beverages were made available in the office breakroom. His coworkers went on to confirm that Schuler, an employee who could be fired today and nobody would notice or care, did not deserve the prized confection.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” said senior product developer Roger Lindquist, upon learning that Schuler, whose first name he didn’t know until he took the pastry, had shamelessly snatched the sole Boston cream from the box of free donuts. “I’ve been busting my ass here for eight years, and this asshole comes in off the street and thinks he’s automatically entitled to whatever donut he can get his hands on? He hasn’t earned that right, not by a long shot.”


“Who the hell does he think he is?” Lindquist added. “The CE-fucking-O of Sapphire Solutions?”

Several employees told reporters that they were incensed at Schuler’s transgressive act, repeatedly noting that the “top-tier” donuts should be exclusively reserved for managers and the other more valuable members of the team.


By blatantly violating this established hierarchy, numerous Sapphire employees insisted that the insignificant employee had gravely overstepped his bounds.

“The way he just grabbed the donut, he acts like he’s been here forever,” said finance supervisor Marsha Callahan, emphasizing that Schuler doesn’t earn commission, doesn’t take part in the morning sales meetings, and sure as shit isn’t entitled to take any donut of his choosing at the expense of dozens of other employees higher up on the totem pole. “He could have taken one of the plain glazed ones. Or even a cruller for all I care. But that Boston cream was off-limits and he should have known that.”


“Wait, he drank one of those Simply Orange juices, too?” Callahan continued. “Not a good idea to make enemies your first few weeks on the job. Not good at all.”

According to numerous Sapphire employees, the egregiousness of Schuler’s breach of workplace etiquette was compounded by the fact that the nonessential employee remains unaware of the flagrant nature of his error.


“Look at that smug fuck over there, munching on his donut without a care in the world,” said operations director Nathan Brunner, who alongside his peers was covertly glaring at Schuler as he blissfully enjoyed the ill-gotten pastry at his desk. “The good donuts are for important people, and he is not important. I am important.”

“He’ll learn,” Brunner continued. “He made a serious mistake today.”

At press time, Sapphire employees had just about lost their shit upon watching the inconsequential cocksucker stroll back to the breakroom and grab a second donut.