HAVING attended Gamble’s spooky sloshed séance with Janet last week, this week Venus dutifully reports back to the ‘dark side’ about what exactly went on.

Over lunch, she tells Lydia that Janet’s upset she’s been gossiping about her relationship problems.

“She’s making up lies — trying to find a story to get back at me now. They’re pathetic women,” Lydia says of Janet and the others.

Last week’s recap: The ladies get drastic ‘makeunders’

“I couldn’t care less about Janet. She’s a piece of dirt to me. She’s a drunken pig, she’s a pig ... I can’t stand her,” she continues.

Venus has no time for all this drama — she’s throwing a birthday party for her four-year old daughter, Sophia, and she’s assembled a crack team to help her.

At home and with a cast of thousands sat around her kitchen table, Venus explains why she wants this party to be bigger than the Olympics: Sophia’s always had a joint party with her sister, tragically she’s never had a birthday that’s just for her (of the ... three birthdays she’s had so far).

The party planner, cake decorators and children’s entertainment organiser all do their best to bow to her every ludicrous demand.

The true star of the meeting, then, is Susan the Stern Balloon Lady, who has arrived with exactly six balloon options and is categorically not here for Venus’s rich lady bulls**t.

Venus: Can we get confetti in the balloons?

Susan: No we cannot.

Venus: Can we get speckles of gold on the balloons?

Susan: We cannot.

Venus: Do you have anything fancier?

Susan: No.

Later on, Venus preps for an intimate dinner party she and husband James are hosting at home. The only invitees: former foe Gamble and her husband Rick.

Down to earth woman that she is, Venus gets ready by donning a goldem crown and belittling the Help:

Gamble and Rick arrive and the foursome sits down to a … very silent dinner. “You know some parties, you kind of need to drink a bit heavier than others? This is one of those parties,” notes Gamble.

The atmosphere never really thaws — the conversational highlight is Venus humblebragging about her plans to buy a luxury sports car — but Gamble at least notes at the end that Venus’ husband James is “less douchbaggy than I thought he was.”

Not “not a douchebag”, just “less douchbaggy.”

Next we’re up in Newcastle, where Jackie’s receiving the keys to the city, presumably for her commendable contribution to Australia’s pre-mixed spirits market.

The ceremony’s brief, and afterwards it’s back to Jackie’s family home for a heart-warming family dinner. This is the second group meal scene in a row this episode where nobody calls anyone the C-word or throws a cocktail, so it’s a bit of a yawn — BUT! We are treated to brief shots of some amazing pre-Housewives Jackie Gillies family photos:

Finally, the day is here: Venus’ four-year old daughter’s birthday. She’s spared no expense, hiring only the very tallest of door bitches:

As the guests arrive, Venus emerges in full costume, looking like she’s ready for her understudy role in the Toorak Community Players production of Midsummer Night’s Dream:

There’s an enormous four-tiered cake, angels on stilts, a fairy garden — it’s a LOT, and as you’d expect, four-year-old Sophia is quietly bewildered by the OTT display.

Venus forges ahead.

“We wouldn’t normally do this, but as a special gift, we’re going to crown our daughters today … because they really have been the princesses in our lives,” she simpers. Hoo boy.

But Venus isn’t finished — she has a whole speech to deliver, as she talks about the tough time she was having in life before she gave birth to Sophia.

It seems an odd thing to talk about at a children’s birthday party, but Janet and Sally keep the smiles plastered on their faces:

Neither of her daughters has any interest in wearing their crowns, so Venus finally wraps up the entirely unneeded speech.

“…and anyway, we’ve done the best that WE can as parents, and they seem to be happy,” she shrugs.

As you can imagine, the assembled kindergarteners are just eating up this one-woman show:

All the Housewives have arrived by this point, and as the champagne starts flowing — this is a four-year-old’s fairy party, of course there’s an open bar — Gamble’s ‘unusual’ sense of humour gets her in trouble.

Pointing at the adorable little birthday girl, she tells her host: “Venus, if that’s your original nose, your original nose is alright. Have you had [your daughter’s] nose done? Coz she’s got a nice nose.”

Yeesh. Reel it in, hun.

“It’s a cute nose!” she continues, inspecting the small child like she’s a storefront mannequin. “If this is your original nose it’s fantastic!”

The other Housewives shoot her “maybe it’s time you got yourself a glass of water” looks.

But she keeps going, telling Venus that before she saw her without make-up last week, she’d assumed she’d had extreme cosmetic surgery to make herself look like a cat.

“But then when you had no make-up on, you actually looked really fresh and beautiful,” she says, cheerily.

The other women wince. It’s a body blow, and Gamble appears completely unaware of the harm she’s done.

Venus is now in tears, rushing away from the group as Jackie consoles her. This is Venus’s party and she will cry if she wants to.

“What have I done wrong now?” asks Gamble.

Janet adopts a motherly role: “You’ve just hurt her feelings a bit, lovely.”

Gamble rushes over to apologise, and Venus quickly accepts her grovelling, conceding that she may have overreacted. “I’m just over my looks, I’m over the whole looks thing,” explains the woman who last episode launched her own make-up range.

It’s time for Sophia to open her gifts, and perhaps the best present of all is a gorgeous rocking horse, presented to her by ‘Aunty Janet.’

Except, it’s not from her.

“Umm, excuse me? That’s my gift to her,” says Gina, as a sniggering ‘Aunty Janet’ takes all the credit.

“Can I at least have had the joy of giving it to her?”

“Nah, I threw your card away,” says Janet.

Look, we can acknowledge that this is pretty poor behaviour ... but it is also very funny.

Surrounded by young children, Gina handles this gift-giving upset calmsly and maturely: “WHAT THE F**K?”

Venus isn’t happy that this drama is going down in the middle of the party. “This isn’t an occasion for us to fight and argue, this is an occasion for us to hang out with some minors,” she says. How did she just manage to make her daughter’s birthday party sound so suss?

Well too bad, Venus, because this is a Housewives party now. After both fuming in different corners of the room for a while, Janet and Gina spring towards each other like wrestlers ready for another bout.

Jackie, who we all know by now lives for drama, hangs in close and watches intently.

Gina pulls the ‘you’re an old drunk’ card early, telling Janet they should reschedule the fight for a day when she’s sober.

Janet hits back: “Don’t think you’re going to pull that bullying s**t on me like you do with everyone else.”

Jackie’s eyes ping-pong between the two of them.

“Janet, darling, as much as I love you, I can’t be bothered with you anymore,” sighs Gina.

“Fine, then F**K OFF,” yells Janet — and I’m not sure how many times I have to remind you of this — in the middle of a four-year-old’s birthday party.

Gina — and I hope you’re sitting down, because this is wildly out-of-character behaviour for her — storms out of the party while sort-of-maybe threatening to quit the whole show.

This is, what, the eighth episode in a row that’s ended with a Gina Liano walkout?

Venus pleads with her to wait for the cutting of the cake.

“Nup. I’m going. I can’t be bothered with the whole thing, it’s hideous, I’m done, I’m out, I’m gone, I’m finished. I’m not doing it any more, I can’t be f**ked.”

Reader: she’ll be back next week.

Next week: Last episode before the reunion! Gamble finally performs her song to Rick, Sally does a spin class (yeesh they need to give her some more interesting subplots) and the whole season finishes with a truly spectacular group dinner show down. Bring it.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Wednesdays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel — check news.com.au right after each episode airs for our full recap. Chat all things Housewives with recapper and drunken pig Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.