Transcript:

Dear life? I am writing to you to express my dissatisfaction. First, I didn't ask to be here. You put me here. That started us off on a bad foot. Given that rocky start, I'd think you'd strive to be a good host. But no. You fill this palce with unpleasant surprises. As if that's not enough, at some point I apparently cease to exist, in a manner that is most likely shocking, painful, and tragic. Can you say 'rip-off'? Please provide a refund. Rat says, "Where does one send these?"