Supposed Metal Band Doesn’t Even Have “Controversy” Section On Wikipedia Page

CLEVELAND — Alleged metal band Gore God are under scrutiny from the worldwide heavy metal community today after it was discovered they don’t have a “Controversy” subheading on their Wikipedia page.

“It’s not our fault. We’re really trying,” said Jason Campos, Gore God’s frontman. “We play the heaviest music you ever heard, with the most disgusting lyrics about disemboweling women and children… but somehow, we can’t seem to offend anyone. We even have a song called ‘Bring Back Hitler,’ but everyone thought we were being sarcastic in an Anal Cunt sort of way.”

“Last month, our bassist tried to burn down a church,” Campos added, “but the kindling was wet, so it never caught fire… and then he got scared away by a dog he heard barking nearby.”

Specifically, the local, Cleveland-area metal scene largely believes the band is “full of posers” who don’t actually wish to maim anyone.

“Gore God? Look, even if their music is heavy, they’re some of the softest dudes around,” said local metalhead Eddie Mclaughlin. “They’ve never been accused of flipping a tour bus while drunk, no misogyny, no racism, nothing. They aren’t even rumored Satanists. I mean, how good could a band like that possibly be? Any true metal band should have an in-depth ‘Controversy’ section on Wikipedia that talks about the murder of a bandmate, a fan, or even a random stranger. I mean, there has to be some sort of murder.”

Experts agree that the band’s lack of controversial antics are hurting their chances at success.

“Some might say a metal band’s image is more important than its music,” said metal historian Annabelle Duncan. “I mean, name a Murder Junkies song: you can’t. Burzum’s albums suck, and Phil Anselmo only stays relevant with his semi-annual racist tirades. I don’t care how good Gore God’s music is — they better do something really offensive soon, or they’ll be forgotten.”

For their part, Gore God is aiming to rectify their good behavior.

“Oh, man… we got some crazy shit planned for our East Coast tour next month,” Gore God guitarist Guy Vaughn said. “We’ll be lucky if we don’t wind up in jail, or even dead.”

While Vaughn wouldn’t expound on what exactly they plan to do, he was last seen purchasing a smoke machine from a nearby Party City store.