For the first 25 years of my life, I was a Christian.

Specifically, a Pentecostal.

But 14 months ago, I gave it up. Giving up my religious beliefs wasn’t easy. I didn’t randomly wake up one day and decide I wanted nothing to do with religion.

It was a process.

A journey.

A 10-month journey.

Much happened during those 10 months. I prayed. I read the Bible. I read articles and books by religious and non-religious authors. I discussed and debated theology. I went to church and prayer meetings. I listened to debates and lectures by scientists, scholars, historians, and theologians.

What follows is a brief account of my journey from delusion to reality. I did not include every single argument and fact I considered, lecture I listened to, book I read, and person I talked to in arriving at my position. But this should be enough for you to at least understand how and why I arrived at this position.

I am not seeking agreement.

I am not seeking support.

I only seek to be understood.

Pentecostalism wasn’t something I converted to. It was something I was born into. As far as I know, my grandparents were the first converts to Pentecostalism; further back, my ancestors were Orthodox Christians; and further back yet, they were probably members of multiple cults and sects, worshipping deities which have long since been forgotten and lost to history.

At age 10, I was baptized in the holy spirit and began speaking in tongues. Pentecostals believe this is the moment at which god’s holy spirit unites with your human spirit, provides extra spiritual power to overcome the worldly temptations, and guides you to fulfill god’s plan for your life. This experience also seals you as god’s child.

Although Christians who are not baptized in the holy spirit are saved, Pentecostals believe they do not have the extra boost of power that only the baptism in the holy spirit can provide. The ability to pray in unknown tongues serves as evidence that a Christian is baptized in the holy spirit. Unknown tongues are just that – unknown. They are not a language that can be understood by anyone, not even the person speaking it. It sounds just like gibberish.

At age 17, I was baptized in water. Water baptism is a common ritual in most Christian sects, so I won’t take the time to explain its significance. In Pentecostalism, a person can only become a member of the church (and qualify for marriage) after being baptized in water.

Between ages 15-24, I was actively involved in my church, Bethany Slavic Missionary Church in Sacramento, California. I regularly preached at youth services and prayer meetings. Most church members speak only Russian; however, when the pastor agreed to incorporate a short English message every Sunday morning, I became the regular “English preacher” on Sunday mornings as well. I preached over 100 sermons. As of this writing, some of my Sunday sermons are still up on the church’s website.

For two years, I led a cell group. Every Monday evening, my friends and young people from church would come to my house (I was still living with my parents at the time) and we would worship, dive into the Bible, and support each other in prayer.

I was constantly reading the Bible, listening to sermons, reading Christian books, and looking for material to include in my sermons and cell group meetings. At any given time, I would have up to four sermons in-progress. When the opportunity to preach arose, I would put some final touches on my most-complete sermon and preach it. Like a sponge, I soaked in the Bible and interpreted it through my Pentecostal beliefs. It’s thanks to those years that I know the Bible as well as I do.

Preaching wasn’t my only ministry. Ministries that put me in the spotlight on stage and in leadership positions weren’t appealing to me. I firmly believed that god was not impressed by my sermons, cell group leadership, and Bible knowledge. Pentecostals believe that the power of a Christian is determined by his prayer life.

So I prayed.

Oftentimes, I prayed for hours. Non-stop. My brothers and I attended a cell group for almost a year which had us praying for two straight hours when we met every week. One hour we prayed in tongues and one hour in English. Praying wasn’t a burden at all. I looked forward to it. During the two hours of prayer, my praying companions behaved differently. Some cried; some laughed; some fell to the floor, raised their hands and worshipped Jesus. It was an ecstatic experience. The presence of god was undeniable.

At times, the youth leadership called on us to fast. Praying in a fasted state gives your prayer more power. And I wanted my prayers to be powerful.

So I fasted.

I fasted for three to four days at a time. Fasting meant taking in nothing but water. No soup. No juice. No sweetners.

The youth would come together on Friday nights and pray. We’d pray from 10pm until midnight, take a short break, and sometimes continue praying until 4am.

We were prayer warriors.

It was our responsibility to win the youth of our city, state, and country back for Jesus. We prayed for revival. We prayed for healing. We prayed for baptism in the holy spirit.

We prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

During long, emotional praying, my tongues (i.e., gibberish language) would change. I was amazed at how confidently and freely I could pronounce gibberish that sounded like a real language. I had seasoned prayer warriors tell me I had the gift of intercession. This meant that, without my knowledge, when I prayed in tongues, my spirit was actually interceding on another’s behalf. I remember being so excited after being told that! The general baptism of the holy spirit with evidence of tongues was a normal Pentecostal occurrence, but only a few could boast of having a specific spiritual gift. This motivated me. I began dedicating more time to praying in tongues. I wanted more of god. I wanted everything god had to offer.

At Pentecostal prayer meetings, it’s not uncommon for the entire congregation to erupt in loud prayer, mostly in tongues, with sporadic interruptions by prophets who, under inspiration by the holy spirit, prophesied in a language everyone could understand (English or Russian). Goosebumps would run down my back every time there was a “prophecy” because I knew that I was in the presence of god. The “prophets” receive a specific revelation from the holy spirit and then either tell the entire congregation or only the person to whom the prophetic word was directed.

During a prayer meeting, everyone wanted a personal word from god. And we got it through god’s prophets.

Being that I was a well-known youth leader in the church, the prophecies directed at me were mostly positive. Sometimes, I would get burnt out on religion and take a break. I’d allow myself to watch secular movies, listen to secular music, and go for weeks without opening my Bible. However, when I later went back to the prayer meetings, a prophet had a “word from the Lord” specifically for me which was positive and never even hinted that god knew about my backsliding or that he was upset with me. I would conclude that god had forgiven me and didn’t want to bring it up and embarrass me in front of all those listening. I now suspect god didn’t bring it up because the prophet didn’t know about it.

But don’t get me wrong; not all prophets shied away from making bold statements about people’s personal lives and predicting the future. I had specific “prophesies” directed at me. I’m still waiting on most of them to come true.

An all-knowing god would foresee that I wouldn’t become a well-known evangelist. The prophets predicted it anyway. Maybe the prophets’ thinking was, “This kid has potential. Let’s give him some goals to strive for.”

An all-knowing god would know that I’d set out in search of truth and end up abandoning my religion after finding no evidence for it. And yet, the crystal balls of the great prophets didn’t bother to even hint that this was in my near future.

Either god didn’t know, knew but failed to warn me, or god doesn’t exist and all the prophecies are just emotional outbursts by these “prophets” whose prophecies are limited to the information they know about their “victims”. (I tend to think it’s that last one.) I became suspicious of prophecies when I heard from several people that predictions by well-respected prophets at church were very wrong, such as claiming that a marriage was god’s will and later that marriage ending up in divorce.

Around age 20, when I was still seriously pursuing god, I took an interest in the gift of prophecy. I wanted god to speak directly to me and not go through some other person. I set out to learn exactly what the prophets did to get their gift. How did they gain god’s favor? How did the gift operate? How were they able to distinguish god’s voice from their own thoughts? I took prophets privately aside after prayer meetings and asked them these questions. I got very different answers. One prophet told me she heard god dictating to her – word for word – exactly what she had to prophesy. Another told me it was not a word-for-word dictation, but rather as though he was interpreting a thought, which gave him freedom to choose the best wording to describe it. And then there were many that were offended by my questions and refused to give clear answers.

After many months of praying for the gift, I didn’t get it.

At age 24, I was already married, had two daughters, a full-time job, and enrolled in law school. I could no longer commit much time to my ministries. I started declining offers to preach and had another person take over my duties in the youth ministry. The constant pressures of ministry – preparing a sermon and making sure the youth services are running smoothly – were behind me. I was just another church member who could come to the service, enjoy the worship and sermon, and not worry about anything else behind the scenes. Although I still took every opportunity to witness to my co-workers and classmates about my faith and be god’s light in this world, I no longer had an active role in the church.

It started with the problem of morality.

At age 25, as I read the Bible, certain things grabbed my attention which I didn’t bother to notice before. The moral implications behind god’s laws was the first issue I had to struggle with.

The Old Testament law commands a woman to be stoned if she loses her virginity before marriage (Deuteronomy 22:21). However, when Joseph and Mary were engaged, and Joseph found out Mary was already pregnant, Joseph decided to break the engagement and quietly let Mary go so as not to publicly embarrass her because Joseph was a righteous man and faithful to the law (Matthew 1:18).

Did I read that correctly?

“Faithful to the law?!”

The law clearly calls for Joseph to bring Mary to her father’s doorstep and stone her to death. How could Joseph be called “righteous” and “faithful to the law” when he intended to deliberately disobey the law by letting Mary go quietly? Although this story was written in the part of the Bible we call the New Testament, the Old Testament laws were still in full force.

This got me thinking about god’s morality. Is every law in the Bible moral? If yes, then why do I cringe when I read some of those laws? Why is it that I cheered for Joseph when he decided to let Mary go quietly? If the moral goodness of god’s laws was self-evident, then why was I so against Mary – or any other girl who lost her virginity before marriage – being stoned to death?

If I were living during Old Testament times, would I be willing to pick up a stone and throw it at a helpless, young woman as she begged for mercy? What would that say about me? What does it say about the Old Testament god?

It became clear that I, as an individual, was appealing to a standard of morality which was independent of the biblical god’s. This was hard for me to admit. Our personal standard of morality is molded by a number of factors – religion, culture, experience. And it’s exactly those factors that the authors of the Old Testament applied when they wrote those laws.

Today, I, like most people in the civilized world, consider it absolutely immoral to stone a person to death for losing her virginity before marriage or picking up sticks on a Saturday. But that’s what the Old Testament law commands. Christians will say, “Yes, but that was then. Jesus did away with those laws.” But that’s merely an attempt to shift the subject from the barbaric laws of the Old Testament to the updated, more civilized, laws of the New Testament. We cannot ignore that, at some point in history, the biblical god considered it moral to brutally execute people for pre-marital sex and engaging in any type of work on Saturday.

I would ask the Christians of today, “If you were placed in a time machine and taken back to 1,500 BCE (Old Testament era), would you be willing to pick up a stone and throw it at a person again, and again, and again, until that person died, just because that person was picking up sticks on a Saturday?” All Christians to whom I posed this question are reluctant to say that they would, which shows that they are also appealing to some personal standard of morality independent of the Bible.

The issue of morality opened the door to more questions. For the next few months, every time I read the Bible, more and more issues would pop out at me which made me question whether this book really was the work of an all-powerful, all-knowing, perfectly good, merciful and just god. The more I read it, the more it looked like any other ancient text, written by people whose views about our world, human nature, and spirituality were consistent with those of other cultures and tribes in the Ancient Near East.

This scared me.

It started dawning on me that there was a possibility that my religion, the one I grew up believing and relying on for a true interpretation of reality, was a lie. Could it really be that my entire life I was brainwashed into believing a religion that was no more true than Mormonism and Islam? Is it really possible that the god I learned to trust, pray to, and rely on, was just a figment of my imagination?

I felt ashamed and offended for even pondering such thoughts. Just allowing these questions into my mind had me feeling like I committed a great sin. Was it the holy spirit convicting me for these thoughts? What if god withdraws his holy spirit from me for asking these questions? What if I lose my salvation forever?

This scared me even more.

I quickly checked my ability to pray in tongues. I could still do it (still can to this day). If I can pray in tongues, then the holy spirit was still in me. This gave me comfort, knowing I didn’t grieve the holy spirit to the point of him leaving me.

Sure, I can criticize and discredit the gods and holy books of the Mormons, Muslims, and Jehovah’s Witnesses without grieving the holy spirit because, after all, they were blindly following a false religion. But my god was alive! My Bible was inspired by his spirit and contained true history, science, and a perfect standard of morality.

I decided to leave the issue of morality alone and give god the benefit of the doubt. After all, god was all-knowing. Surely he knows much more about human nature than I do. He knows what’s best for me. Just because I think something is cruel and unjust doesn’t mean it actually is. God’s standard of morality was perfect and I have to accept it, even if I may not agree with it or understand it.

But as much as I tried to put it out of my mind, it kept bothering me.

So I decided to do the honest thing. I read the Bible as I would any other book, attempting to be as unbiased as possible. At the time, I still had a pro-Christian bias. I applied my Pentecostal interpretations to parts of the Bible that were, on their face, inconsistent with my theology. This had to stop if I wanted my own honest opinion. I had to pretend I had a secular upbringing with no exposure to religious doctrine or theology and someone handed me the Bible for the first time in my life. What would I think after reading it?

The problems began piling up.

There was the problem of miracles.

Pentecostalism is rampant with testimonies of the supernatural. From seeing demons, to out-of-body experiences, to miraculous healings, to revelations of the future. When you grow up in an environment where all supernatural claims are taken seriously by adults, you accept them as true when you’re a kid and then continue believing them as an adult. The existence of an invisible spiritual realm is an unquestionable fact. Every evil thought, disease, and temptation had a demon behind it. The spiritual world was unseen, and yet, it was more real than the physical world.

Even though I’ve never seen a miracle or healing, I heard so many healing testimonies that I was convinced at least some of them had to be true. But when I set out to find confirmed supernatural healings, I was disappointed.

I wanted to find a miracle/healing which could only be explained supernaturally; absolutely no possible natural explanation. I looked for claims of a broken bone being instantly healed, a missing limb growing out, or a missing eye popping into the skull in answer to prayer. Something like that wouldn’t have a natural explanation. And yet, those sorts of healings were nowhere to be found.

While researching miraculous healings, I stumbled upon the placebo effect. After researching the placebo effect, I had to admit that it was likely responsible for every single healing claim I’ve ever heard. Although greatly disappointed by this information, I didn’t lose faith in god. But I couldn’t ignore the miracles that weren’t there.

So I became a cessationist.

I concluded that miracles may have occurred back in the day when god needed to lay a foundation for the authority of Jesus Christ and his apostles, but god doesn’t supernaturally intervene in human affairs anymore because we now have his word (the Bible) and we are expected to blindly believe the miracle claims in it.

There was the problem of god’s justice and mercy.

The idea of a loving, merciful, and just god allowing billions of people to suffer in hell for eternity with no hope of escape was unacceptable to me. If I were god, I’d annihilate the sinners or put them in a not-so-happy place after death. But an eternal lake of fire, where people would feel the pain of having their flesh burnt forever without end, seemed too much. Eternal fire and torture is inconsistent with the character of the New Testament god.

New Testament scholar, Bart Ehrman, raised a similar issue in one of his blog posts, which I quote here:

So is the Christian god who urges you to love your neighbor, to love your enemy, to pray for those who are against you, to do good to all others, to treat others as well as you treat yourself – is this god the one who came up with the rule that if you didn’t believe certain things you would roast in hell forever? Why would he make up such a rule? My evangelical friends would say, “It’s because he is holy and cannot abide sin.” My response is, “If I’m supposed to forgive sins, he would probably do that too.” They would reply, “He will forgive sins, if we believe in his son.” My response is, “Why is that the rule? Why can’t he just forgive us? I myself don’t require a friend to sacrifice a child before I agree to forgive her!”

There was the problem of faith.

I found it completely unreasonable for god to demand our faith based on really bad evidence, and in most cases, no evidence at all. And then if we don’t believe, god will throw us “sinners” into hell where we will suffer forever and ever and ever.

I can understand god being angry with the Israelites in the wilderness after they saw all his miracles in Egypt.

I can understand Jesus being angry with people who saw his miracles and refused to believe.

But how can god justify his anger towards those of us today who have absolutely no reason to believe the supernatural claims in the Bible?

Humans are rational creatures. When we hear someone make a claim, we apply logic and reason to that claim, weigh the evidence for and against, and then decide to believe it only if there is enough evidence to support the claim.

Why don’t we do that for religious claims?

Why are we expected to put on hold our logic and reason when it comes to religious claims and blindly believe?

I can fathom religion demanding blind faith in its historicity. For example, it may be reasonable to blindly believe that a man named Abraham existed thousands of years ago and a man named David was a king of Israel. There’s nothing really unbelievable about religious historical claims.

But supernatural claims?

How can anyone blindly believe in talking snakes, people turning into pillars of salt, or stars leading individuals to a specific house?

Carl Sagan once said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”

That means that the more unbelievable your claim, the better your evidence should be for me to believe it.

If my friend comes to my house and says, “I just saw a terrible car accident on the freeway,” he is making a claim; that there is a terrible car accident on the freeway. Is that an extraordinary, unbelievable claim? No, car accidents happen all the time. Will I interrogate my friend and demand specific details and information before believing his claim? No. Is it possible my friend is lying? Yes. But if my friend has no reason to lie and I have known him to be a truthful person, then I would have no problem believing him about the accident. Believing my friend’s claim would be logical and reasonable.

But what if the same friend told me he saw a flying lion on his way over to my house? I’ve never heard of flying lions, let alone seen any. Thus, his claim that flying lions exist is an extraordinary, unbelievable claim. Even if I had never known my friend to exaggerate or lie, I would still demand much more evidence for the flying lion than I would for the accident on the freeway. It would not be logical or reasonable to blindly believe in the existence of flying lions just because my friend says he saw one.

Requiring blind faith is unreasonable. And yet, blind faith is exactly what’s required by every single religion. Sure, some religions’ doctrines and theology are more consistent and logical than others’. But we need more than theological consistency to be convinced that a religion is true and that their deity exists.

To punish people eternally for refusing to believe, after they’ve made a good faith effort to seek out evidence and couldn’t find any, is wrong. Even if we assume the stories in the Bible are true, then god did offer proof of his existence to doubters in the past (e.g., in response to Elijah’s prayer, Apostle Thomas when he doubted, Saul on the road to Damascus).

Are we really being unreasonable if we require the same kind of evidence?

Religion demands faith because it can offer no proof. Religion considers faith to be a virtue. The harder it is to believe, the more religion honors you. If a religious person has no proof of god’s existence, his prayers aren’t being answered, he loses his job, his car breaks down, and his house is destroyed in a fire, he will still bring himself to say, “I know that my redeemer lives!” And all religious folks cheer at his incredible faith. Everything in his life clearly points to the fact that no god exists and there is no all-powerful being looking out for him, and yet, his continuing belief in god is praised and pointed to as an example for others. I can certainly understand why religion would promote blind faith that directly contradicts reality (self-preservation). But why can’t this poor man take a step back, look at his situation and consider the possibility that maybe his god is merely a figment of his imagination? Why is logic demonized (literally) when it comes to faith?

Christians blindly accept the supernatural claims in the Bible but are quick to ridicule and demand evidence for supernatural claims in other religious holy books. Promoting blind faith for your religious claims but then turning around and applying logic to the claims of other religions is dishonest and unfair. If I want to be honest, then the standard of proof I apply to other religions’ claims must be applied to my religion’s claims as well. And when I started subjecting my religious claims to the same scrutiny I’ve been subjecting Mormonism and Islam to, I had to admit that my religion required just as much blind faith.

There was the problem of bad logic surrounding Christ’s sacrifice.

Christianity teaches that god sent his son, Jesus Christ, to the earth 2,000 years ago to be crucified and to die for the sins of humanity. This was the only way to redeem humanity.

But I have a question.

If Christ already died for my sins, then why is it necessary for me to still have to do something to be saved? Christ already paid the price in full, so why should sinners have to pay the price again for the same sins Christ’s sacrifice already covered? When sinners show up on judgment day, wouldn’t all their cases be immediately dismissed because someone else (Jesus) knowingly and intentionally served the time for all their crimes?

But there’s more.

How can Christ’s sacrifice be sufficient payment for the sins of every single sinner who ever lived if he only suffered in hell for three days? Doesn’t every sinner have to suffer in hell for eternity, and that’s only for their own sins? For Christ’s suffering to be sufficient payment, he would have to suffer for as many eternities as there are sinners. Why did he only suffer for three days? To cover the sins of just one sinner, Christ should still be suffering in hell. Why does Christ suffering three days cover everyone’s sin, while any other sinner would have to suffer for eternity to cover only his own sins?

There was the problem with out-of-body experiences.

The out-of-body experience testimonies were my best evidence for a spiritual existence beyond this earthly one. The fact that people died, then came back to life and told us what they perceived during their out-of-body experience convinced me, as a Christian, that there was more to life than this physical reality. However, I later found that out-of-body experiences were manufactured by the brain when the brain was undergoing stress. Stress on the brain can be caused by ingesting certain drugs (e.g., ketamine) or undergoing major physical trauma, which is why most of these experiences occur during medical procedures in the hospital or upon being involved in some accident.

I am unaware of any out-of-body experience where it was verified that the person, during his out-of-body experience, saw or heard something that he otherwise could not have known, seen, or heard. The claim that people can die and then come back to life and tell us what they experienced during death is an extraordinary claim. I demand extraordinary evidence.

There was the problem of historical inaccuracies in the Bible.

The Old Testament mentions many historical places and people, but some parts are so interwoven with mythology that it’s difficult to distinguish fact from fiction. Even if we ignore the Bible’s supernatural claims and concentrate on its historical claims, we find that some of its historical claims are clearly incorrect.

I will only point out one inaccuracy from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament.

According to the Book of Daniel, the rulers of the Babylonian Empire were Belshazzar, Darius the Mede, and Cyrus the Great, in that order. This is historically inaccurate. Belshazzar was the last ruler of Babylon before Cyrus the Great of Persia conquered it, and Darius ruled after Cyrus. The historical record has the rulers in the following order: Belshazzar, then Cyrus the Great, then Darius. If the Book of Daniel was authored during the 6th century BCE (as it claims to be) by a person who was well educated and played an important role in the Babylonian government (as Daniel claims to be), he would have known the correct order of the Babylonian rulers during his own lifetime. For this and other reasons having to do with the incorrect prophecies of Daniel, most biblical scholars believe the Book of Daniel was written several hundred years later than it claims – specifically, around 164 BCE when Daniel’s prophecies suddenly start getting history wrong.

According to the Gospel of Luke, Jesus was born during the reign of Roman governor Quirinius, when Augustus ordered a census throughout the whole world. Both Matthew and Luke state that Christ’s birth was during the reign of King Herod the Great. The problem is, King Herod died in 4 BCE and Quirinius wasn’t appointed governor until 6 CE. That’s a ten-year gap between King Herod’s death and Quirinius’s appointment. Their reigning periods did not overlap. Then how could Christ be born during a time when both of them were in power?

There are several other historical problems with the accounts of Jesus’s birth alone, including the fact that there is absolutely no record of the Romans ever requiring people to return to their ancestors’ place of origin for purposes of any census or taxation. And that makes sense. Just think of the disruption and chaos it would cause in the empire if every single person had to go back to their ancestors’ place of origin.

There was the problem of non-falsifiability.

What would have to happen for me to realize that my religion is false? If the answer is, “Nothing can convince me that my religion is false,” then we have a problem.

That was my answer.

I had a problem.

By my religious logic, everything that happens – good or bad – can be explained by my religious view.

If something bad happens to a good person, then god is testing him. If something good happens, then god is blessing him.

If something bad happens to a bad person, then god is punishing him. If something good happens, then the devil just isn’t interested in disturbing him because he already has his soul.

A belief or theory isn’t logical if it cannot be proven false. If the Bible would have claimed that Jesus would return in the year 2010, then Christianity would be falsifiable. All we’d have to do is wait until January 1, 2011, and if Jesus had not returned by then, we’d know the Bible wasn’t credible.

Actually, there are several claims in the Bible which are falsifiable. For example, Jesus states that the events leading up to his second coming, and including his second coming, will happen during the lifetime of some of those listening to him. Obviously, that turned out to be false. All those alive during Jesus’s lifetime are long dead and Jesus still has not returned. This alone falsifies the claim that Jesus was god. But, of course, Christians have come up with other interpretations for that passage to explain away the embarrassing, false prediction by Jesus.

There are many such falsifiable passages in the Bible. And for each such passage, Christians have manipulated the language of the passage to make it say something different; something that cannot be falsified.

For thinking people, this creates a problem.

If you’re a religious person, you must ask yourself: What would have to happen for me to know that my religion is false? If the answer is, “Nothing can convince me that my religion is false,” then you have a problem.

There are other problems with Christianity, including the writing of the Bible and scribes intentionally or negligently adding and/or omitting entire events during their copying of the Bible, Old Testament prophecies inaccurately predicting the future, and an all-powerful god refusing to ease the suffering of those in third world countries who lack the basic necessities of life (food, shelter, clean water). I know theologians have convenient explanations for these problems. I’ve heard them, gave them serious thought, and rejected them.

The more I allowed myself to think critically about my religion and ask the hard questions, the more problems I saw with it. Had I not been a Christian and someone tried to convert me, I would have seen these problems almost immediately, as I do when Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses try to convert me. But I never applied the same level of scrutiny to my own religion. My religion was correct. I was lucky to be born into it. I knew (knew!) it was true. Why bother wasting time questioning it, especially when all it would do is make the holy spirit angry at me for even hinting that I may have some doubts?

But now I could clearly see all the mythology interwoven into the Bible. Many parts which made no sense to me as a Christian now make perfect sense when I read them in light of the legends and myths which were rampant during the time the Old Testament was written. Ironically, the Bible makes much more sense to me now than it ever did. All the mysterious passages about the “sons of god” and “Nephilim” are clear.

Please understand me correctly, I am not claiming that all the stories in the Bible are historically inaccurate. There are real places, people, and events recorded in the Bible that are historical and corroborated by other sources. However, the Bible also contains a lot of mythology.

It’s a myth that the entire universe was created in six literal days.

It’s a myth that the earth is the center of the universe.

It’s a myth that the earth is flat.

It’s a myth that snakes and donkeys can sometimes speak with people in a human language.

It’s a myth that gods can engage in sexual intercourse with people.

It’s a myth that people once lived to be almost 1,000 years old.

It’s a myth that a person can transform into a pillar of salt.

It’s a myth that a man can engage in a physical struggle with a god.

It’s a myth that animal blood smeared on doorposts will deter the angel of death.

It’s a myth that a pillar of fire can lead millions of people by night in a specific direction.

It’s a myth that the sun stopped to give the good guys more time to win a battle. (We’ll ignore the fact that the sun doesn’t move at all, but of course the writers of the Book of Joshua didn’t know that.)

It’s a myth that a big fish swallowed a grown man, spat him out three days later on a beach, and the man survived to tell us about it.

It’s a myth that god calls a heavenly counsel of gods and his sons to help him determine what to do.

It’s a myth that god made a bet with the devil and people found out about it.

It’s a myth that animal sacrifices and the smell of blood pleases god.

It’s a myth that, when god gets angry, smoke comes out of his nostrils and fire out of his mouth.

It’s a myth that god lives above the sky and rides across the sky on clouds and backs of cherubs.

It’s a myth that a virgin woman can get pregnant.

It’s a myth that a star in the sky can lead people to a specific country, city, or house. The star would have to literally be 30 feet above the ground, not way out in space.

It’s a myth that a person can turn water into wine, walk on water, calm a stormy sea, and come back from the dead after three days.

It’s a myth that god killed his only son because he couldn’t figure out any other way to save mankind from their sins.

It’s a myth that people can suddenly start speaking in foreign languages that they never learned.

It’s a myth that a piece of cloth can heal people.

It’s a myth that angels and demons influence earthly politics.

It’s a myth that the world will come to an end when god decides it’s time.

The Bible is fascinating. It’s full of mystery, drama, love, and yes, mythology. The mythology and legends contained in the Bible can be traced to Ancient Babylonian and Greek mythology and religions. The multiple authors who contributed to the writing and editing of the Bible were not intentionally trying to deceive their readers, nor were they dumb; they were merely living in a time and culture which was very superstitious. And their writings reflect that.

I want to also make clear what did NOT play a role in my de-conversion.

I did not lose my faith because I wanted to sin.

Those who knew me for many years know that I took my faith seriously. I wasn’t struggling with addictions or bad habits. Whenever I felt like I did something wrong, and the burden on my conscience wouldn’t go away after privately asking god for forgiveness, I would seek out a pastor, confess my sins, and have him pray for me.

I don’t think it’s actually possible for someone to lose faith in the existence of god because he doesn’t want to answer to god and live according to god’s rules. People can choose to disobey religious rules – and I know many believers who do – but they continue to believe in the existence of god and know that they have to repent and change their ways if they want to make it to heaven.

I don’t have that problem now.

There’s nothing within me telling me I have to repent and live according to the Bible’s rules.

There’s nothing within me telling me I have to repent and live according to the Koran’s rules.

There’s nothing within me telling me to repent and live according to the Book of Mormon’s rules.

That’s because I don’t believe in the veracity of the Bible, Koran, or Book of Mormon.

A desire to sin won’t lead to disbelief in the existence of god. Disbelief in god must come first, and when one realizes there’s absolutely no evidence for god’s existence, the concept of “god” evaporates from his imagination, along with every other imaginary religious concept, including “sin”.

I did not lose my faith because I wanted attention.

Attention isn’t something I crave. Yes, I know, everyone who craves attention says that. But I’m telling the truth (surely, you believe me now).

I was receiving plenty of attention through my ministries, preaching, and simply being involved in church events. It wouldn’t have been difficult for me to work my way up in the church ranks – preacher, youth leader, then deacon, and then maybe pastor within several years. If my goal was to seek attention and popularity within the Russian community, then leaving the church and abandoning my belief in god would be the worst way to go about it.

I did not lose my faith because of Christian hypocrites in the church.

Christian hypocrites never affected my strong belief in god’s existence. That would be an illogical reason to lose faith in god. Just because many Christians are hypocrites, it doesn’t logically follow that the Christian god doesn’t exist. I mostly felt sorry for the Christian hypocrites. They were breaking god’s rules. And what amazed me was that they knew they would stand before god one day and have to account for their actions, and that didn’t seem to bother them.

I did not lose my faith because of something church elders did.

I have nothing but respect for most church elders – youth leaders, deacons, and pastors – at my church. They were always kind, caring, and served as good examples of what a Christian person should be like. I was never the victim of any physical or psychological abuse by any church members or elders. Going forward, I hope my de-conversion doesn’t have too much of an impact on my relationships with Christians.

Again, I cannot stress enough that I did not want to lose my faith. Most of my friends and relatives – everyone I grew up with – are religious believers to some degree. I gain absolutely nothing from not believing in the existence of god, leaving the church, creating tension with my religious friends and relatives, and disappointing many people close to me.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

I do gain something.

I gain the freedom to accept reality as it is and be true to myself.

I tried very, very hard to reconcile all the problems I was encountering with my religion. But there came a point when I had to make a decision: Do I abandon my search for truth and reject the facts just so I can salvage what I can of my religion, or do I boldly continue searching for truth and allow my honest search to lead me where it may?

I made the right decision.

I cannot live a lie.

Even when the lie is convenient and provides comfort, peace, hope of immortality, and a purpose for life, it is still a lie.

We get this one life. There is absolutely no reason to believe that another conscious experience is awaiting us on the other side of death. I’d like to live forever. I’d like for there to be an all-powerful, all-knowing, perfectly good and merciful god who hears my prayers, heals the sick, reveals the future, controls everything in the universe, and who will grant me immortality in an unimaginable paradise in the next life. But what I’d like reality to be, and what it actually is, are two different things.

It’s surprising how emotionally attached I’ve become to my religion after 25 years. That’s why I can understand why it’s harder to give up religion as we get older. If I had such a hard time at 25, I can only imagine how much harder it would have been at 30, 50, and near impossible at 80.

Belief in an invisible spiritual world is illogical. But, boy, does it provide emotional benefits. When we’re undergoing a traumatic event in life, when someone is ill, or when someone close to us dies, we tend to get very emotional. We want to believe that there is someone up there looking out for us; someone who will resurrect us after death and reunite us with our loved ones. Unfortunately, that is not the case. But who wants to tell that to a sick child? Who wants to deliver the news of “reality” to the parent who lost their child to illness? I sure don’t. And it’s exactly those emotional issues which make it really tough to let go of religious beliefs, no matter how illogical and unfounded those beliefs are.

When it finally dawned on me that my religion – everything I grew up believing – was not true, I went numb. For about two weeks, I was in a state of shock. It was as though someone told me I was adopted and my parents weren’t my real parents. But even the news of adoption would have been easier to handle. The stress my mind went through is indescribable.

My perfect fairy tale worldview vanished.

My invisible friends (god, Jesus, holy spirit, angels) and enemies (devil, demons) were mere figments of my imagination.

There is no god who could help me get a better score on an exam, heal my sore throat, or protect me from accidents.

There is no devil to blame for all my troubles.

I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I was in control of my destiny. There was nobody to thank for my good fortunes and nobody to blame for my misfortunes.

After realizing that Christianity was just another false religion, I had to rethink my entire worldview.

Do any gods exist?

I don’t believe so, but I don’t know for certain, so I keep an open mind.

But how can anyone know for certain that Allah doesn’t exist? How can anyone know for certain that Krishna doesn’t exist? How can anyone know for certain that Yahweh doesn’t exist?

If I have a good imagination, I can think up all kinds of beings. I can imagine a Blue Genie. I can even imagine what environment Blue Genie would live in, what his habits and personality is like, and what pleases and displeases him. But no matter how much I think about Blue Genie and wish he was real, nothing will change the fact that Blue Genie exists only in my imagination. But what if I tell my toddler children that invisible Blue Genie exists and they have to believe it? My children will believe me. Kids believe everything their parents tell them. My kids will formulate an entire worldview around the existence of Blue Genie. And after many years of having this belief reinforced (e.g., going to special meetings every week at which we believed Blue Genie was transferring his energy into our minds), the reality of Blue Genie will be so real to them that nothing anyone says or shows them will shake their faith in his existence.

What would you tell my grown children who believe in the existence of Blue Genie? How would you make them snap out of their delusion and come into reality?

You may object and say, “But why do I have to prove Blue Genie doesn’t exist? Shouldn’t they have to prove he does exist?”

You would be right.

It’s impossible to prove the non-existence of something. That’s why the person making the claim always has the burden of proving that his claim is true.

If a Muslim claims that Allah exists, then it’s up to him to prove Allah’s existence. It’s not up to me to disprove the existence of Allah. By saying, “I don’t believe your claim,” I’m not making any claims of my own; I am merely indicating that I am not convinced that his claim is true.

If gods do exist, they aren’t doing a very good job of making themselves known. In fact, it seems like they’re going out of their way to be as undetectable as possible. The ecstatic emotional experiences we have while listening to an inspirational story, singing a sad song, listening to music, or pondering on the incomprehensibility of the cosmos, are not evidence of any god’s existence. We feel what we feel. And no matter how much I’d want that feeling to mean that the gods were nearby and trying to communicate something to me, that’s simply not the case. Any special meaning I attribute to my feelings originates in my mind.

Up to this point in my life, I can honestly say that my religious experiences were merely emotional experiences; the same emotional experiences that Mormons, Catholics, Muslims, and Jehovah’s Witnesses experience and call “presence of god” (their own god, of course).

According to the stories in the Bible, god has clearly shown himself to people in the past. I don’t understand why a loving, merciful, and just god would deny such evidence to every single person who ever lived, or at least to those who were sincerely searching for evidence of him and not finding any. After all, people’s eternal destination is at stake! Surely, a god who was willing to suffer through a crucifixion to keep us out of hell will agree to a simple request for proof of his very existence.

I did all I could on my part to reach out to god. I now realize it was all my imagination. But if any gods are out there and want to prove their existence to me, they know where to find me.

Where do I turn to for moral guidance?

Where do I turn to for a standard of justice?

These questions further demonstrated the firm grasp religion had on me. Religion instilled into me this idea that I was imperfect. I was a sinner. I could never be just and moral on my own. I could never properly think for myself. Religion made me believe that I was lost without it. My only chance of surviving in this cruel and immoral world was to hang on to religion and forever be dependent on it. Don’t think – just obey.

But religion was losing its grasp.

It was as though black-and-white glasses were lifted off my eyes and I could finally see reality in color. I was set free from the religious cage which held my mind captive my entire life.

I was slowly beginning to feel comfortable standing up on my own two feet – thinking for myself, accepting reality as it was, and applying logic and reason as I formulated my worldview.

Okay, I know you’re curious.

You want to know the answer to this one question: Do I now think it’s okay to steal, murder, rape, and cheat on my spouse?

No joke – many religious people are under the impression that if a person doesn’t believe in god, he will immediately steal, rape, murder, and cheat every chance he gets if there was no risk of getting caught. But I fail to see why that wouldn’t also be the case for the religious person. Can’t a Christian just ask god for forgiveness after committing a premeditated murder, and thus be restored in the sight of god? Can’t a Christian repent for theft? For cheating on his spouse?

So how do I determine what is good? I obviously don’t think the Bible is a good standard of morality because I think some of the things it calls “good” are absolutely evil and depraved, such as stoning a person to death for picking up sticks on a Saturday or losing her virginity before marriage.

My morality is very simple.

I call “good” all actions and values that promote the flourishing of conscious creatures. Of course, there is a hierarchy of moral consideration (e.g., humans are more important than bacteria or mice).

I no longer concern myself with how others choose to live their lives nor do I make any attempt to change them and get them to believe and act like I do. I embrace the differences in individuals. As long as a person is not harming anyone else, I believe he should be free to do as he pleases, experience everything his heart desires, and live this one and only life to the fullest.

We like labels.

He’s a “liberal Christian”.

She’s a “homosexual”.

He’s an “atheist”.

Ever since I’ve started thinking for myself, I’ve shied away from labels. To stick a label on myself – deist, gnostic, atheist, agnostic – would be to align myself with a group whose views I may not completely agree with. I don’t want to be forced into the position of a group. I want the freedom and independence to struggle through each individual issue and make up my own mind. It’s our ability to reason that makes us human and I would be doing myself a great disservice to forfeit that gift of reason in exchange for the good feeling of belonging to a group. I’ve spent the first 25 years of my life belonging to a group. The group told me what to think, what was good and what was evil, what to wear, what music to listen to, and what friends to have. In those 25 years, I’ve taken the side of my group on every issue. I am disgusted with myself for some of the positions I took. But it was the position of my group, so I had no choice.

Never again will I allow anyone to do my thinking for me.

I know there are mixed feelings out there about me. Some are proud of me for doing what I believe is right and are wishing me the best of luck. Some secretly have the same doubts I do and are jealous of my courage. Some aren’t sure how to feel. And many are disappointed and shocked that such a good Christian guy lost his faith, and they’re convinced my nonbelief will lead to my family falling apart and my children growing up without any sense of morality. I’ve even had people tell me they see an empty void when they look into my eyes. Funny, I’ve been a nonbeliever for many months now and they didn’t see this void in my eyes until after I told them about my nonbelief.

We only get this one life. There’s absolutely no good reason (other than bad, emotional reasons) to believe that our conscious existence will continue after we die.

This is it.

So why would you allow the negativity of others affect your life? Why bother striving to please others who refuse to be pleased? Why waste a single precious moment trying to conform to someone else’s expectations for you?

It’s your life.

It’s your time.

It’s your unique, never-to-be-repeated conscious experience.

I hope you make the best of it.

Because I sure will.

———————–

Links of interest:

Introduction to the Old Testament https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo-YL-lv3RY

Introduction to the New Testament https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtQ2TS1CiDY

Failure of Daniel’s Prophecies http://infidels.org/library/modern/chris_sandoval/daniel.html

A Question of Miracles https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJfaaPdP0kI

Exposing Healing Scams https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFtLuZPWnWg

A History of God https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlnnWbkMlbg

What is God? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPfFx9JTQl8&t=3s

How Jesus Became God – interview with Bart Ehrman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxiNy8mwHqM

The credibility of the Book of Exodus https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-YlzpUhnxQ

Demon Possession, Exorcism, and Psychotherapy http://works.bepress.com/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1033&context=timothy_thomason

The Burden of Proof (and other videos on critical thinking) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KayBys8gaJY

Is God Imaginary? http://godisimaginary.com/

Problems with the Bible http://errancy.com/

Morality and the Christian God https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3d3VG5gbvo

Debate: Is the Foundation of Morality Natural or Supernatural? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vg7p1BjP2dA

Others’ stories of de-conversion:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOmSYHzeoNA&list=PLA0C3C1D163BE880A

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-91oN4Km5U

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2013/05/09/charles-templeton-missing-jesus/

http://yuriystasyuk.com/why-i-changed-my-beliefs-the-psychology-of-demon-possession/

https://questfortruthanatoliy.wordpress.com/2015/05/25/my-de-conversion-testimony-genesis/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/01/21/i-co-founded-one-of-the-most-popular-christian-rock-bands-ever-and-im-now-an-atheist/

http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/14-07-09/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ryan-j-bell/a-year-without-god_b_4512842.html

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/why-i-miss-being-a-born-again-christian#.gy1Mk0Pmk

Published: September 13, 2015