RICHMOND, VA—Noting how thoroughly he had prepared himself for any potential scenario, sources confirmed that the backup plan local man Connor Foreman devised Tuesday in case his desired menu item was out of stock at Frank’s Diner was the most well-thought-out part of his life. “If they don’t have corned beef hash, then I’ll switch up the entrée from the pancakes to the sausage scrambler,” said Foreman, 34, revealing how much more effort he had put into contemplating his breakfast contingency plan than he had in thinking through how he might one day purchase a home, find a lasting relationship, or achieve his career goals. “I’ll just do a short stack of pancakes as a side, in that case, so I can still finish off the meal with something sweet. And the scrambler comes with home fries and toast, so I can nix the hash browns I was originally going to order, and then I should be all set.” Although he was reportedly able to order his first-choice meal, Foreman—who does not set aside any money and has never once considered how he’ll afford to retire—remarked that it’s still always better to be prepared just in case things don’t turn out as intended.

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