Matt Patricia via Yahoo Sports

Dear Bill,

How’s it going?

I haven’t heard from you in a while. Sorry about writing an email. I don’t think my texts were getting through.

Remember me? It’s Matt. Matt Patricia.

Congratulations on the Super Bowl. That was something huh? I remember what Super Bowls were like.

That defense. Wow. It was something else. I heard your defensive coordinator left. That’s too bad. Maybe don’t fill the position just yet.

Haha, just kidding.

I heard about Antonio. That’s great. You guys are going to be unstoppable. I bet if we had him we could get Stafford to pay attention.

We figured out that if you leave a trail of goldfish we can trap him in the QB room for a while. Until he gets cranky. I can’t get him to stop coloring in his playbook.

Did you see the game? Of course not, I know you’re busy.

We tied Bill.

I didn’t know you could tie.

Everyone keeps talking about kissing our sister.

I don’t have a sister Bill. I don’t know what to do.

Someone stole my little scooter too. It’s so hard to get around now.

I look at your message before every game “Who is this? Stop texting me.” God, you’re such a kidder. Everyone thinks you’re so mean. I know the real Bill.

I really want to come back Bill.

It’s so hard here.

And the player keep making fun of me. They kept drawing rocket ships all over my office. I thought it was funny, you know, because of the whole rocket science thing.

They weren’t rocket ships Bill.

Please. Please. I don’t know if I can do another season.

What if I tie again?

Got to go. I have to wake Stafford up from his nap.

Signed,

Matt

P.S. Do you know if Mrs. Ford is friends with Jim Harbaugh? I keep hearing her talk on the phone with him.