Conspiracy theories are like Adam Sandler movie premises: Aliens must be beaming that shit into our brains, because there's no way the human mind could ever be capable of coming up with something so dumb. There's just no other possible explanation. While we get to the bottom of this mystery, please enjoy a new collection of the most intriguingly stupid conspiracies the Internet has crapped out recently. Such as:

6 "Fifty Shades of Grey Predicts the Collapse of the USA!"

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Remember "The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse," the YouTube genius who blew the lid off of the One Direction/Illuminati/Danny DeVito/Satan connection? Honestly, we could probably fill several articles just with his videos, but here's his most noteworthy recent discovery: Fifty Shades of Grey blows.

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Actually, this makes him slightly less questionable.

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Also, the movie is a prophecy about America's upcoming end. According to the self-proclaimed "Co-Prophet of These End Times" (the other co-prophet lives in a trash container behind an Arby's), the film is a message from the Illuminati about how they, quote, "plan to bring America into bondage." In order to prove this, Mr. Eagle begins by reading the book's plot out loud, which, yes, is exactly like watching your grandparents have phone sex.

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Incidentally, it must have been awkward when he asked his grandson to print out

the Fifty Shades Wikipedia page for him.

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The entire crux of his argument is that the plot of the film resembles events within the Book of Revelation, something which sounds unlikely considering that we'd remember having heard that the Book of Revelation is a fanfic of another part of the Bible. To summarize, Anastasia Steele is the Whore of Babylon/United States of America, while Christian Grey is the Scarlet Beast/Russia who eventually defeats/dominates her. Sadly, however, he never clarifies what the nipple clamps and anal-fisting represent, but our bets are "Crimea" and "economic sanctions."