I have discovered the secret of invisibility. It is not total invisibility but it is not a kick on the backside off it.

I have, for a number of months, not realised that it was in fact invisibility; I was simply bemused by the fact that people seemed not to see me, but i never got any further in my thinking until today.

It all became clear as I stood in Belfast city centre. It was as clear as the Albert Clock. Except that I was as invisible as the "Ulster Says No" banner that still hangs along the front of Stormont.

Here is the secret. Follow these instructions to the letter and you too can be invisible to almost everyone.

Put on a fluorescent yellow hi-viz coat as worn by athletes who run or cycle at night.



Put on a fluorescent green sparkly cycling helmet.



Train yourself to the edge of super-hero fitness (mostly this is in your own head).



Get on a state-of-the-art Chris Boardman hybrid bicycle with panniers and lights.



Be alert, not because your country needs lerts, but because your very life depends on it



Ride down the Greenway from Dundonald to Belfast (the old railway line that is now a cycle/walking path).

You will find yourself totally invisible to women pushing buggies or walking with toddlers. They will throw themselves in front of you to grab their children as if you don't exist.

You will find yourself totally invisible to little old ladies with dogs on the end of extending dog leads. They will wobble and feint to right and left as you approach.

They could not possibly see you or they would simply walk in a straight line or keep to one side. You will find yourself totally invisible to little old men with woolly hats and scarves and walking sticks.

This is not an ageist comment - I am one of those men when I am not on my bike. But why would they lift the stick and wave it with warmth and welcome if they could actually see you cycling down that piece of the path.

Many's the time I end up on the grass simply to avoid the warmth of it all. Who are they waving at? Blokes with killer dogs are the worst - you know the guys. They usually look like a pit bull themselves. They occupy the middle ground as if they are Little John on a tree trunk with Robin Hood approaching.

Their dog then occupies both sides of him simply by the deftness and speed of its movement. Clearly Little John cannot see me approaching. Surely he could not be making some kind of statement about his manliness by refusing to share the space with the fluorescently clothed super-hero "bike-man" who wishes at that moment that he had taken the bus.

If you don't believe you are invisible, try this to prove it. When you get to the Holywood Arches change from the cycle path to the main Newtownards Road and cycle along it into the town centre.

You will be amazed. Bus drivers cannot see you. Car drivers cannot see you. Mind you, many of them don't even seem to see each other.

When you get to the Queen's bridge "road of death" where the flyovers sweep cars down onto you like German Stukas coming out of the sun, where the Short Strand connection to the M3 bridge comes at you from the left like the All Blacks back row, where the Queen's Bridge multiplies into five lanes then back into four lanes then back into five lanes then back into a swirling eddy of lost and confused drivers...YOU ARE TOTALLY INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE.

I thought the captain of the Seacat tooted his horn at me the other day from the Lough because I was so bright but could the car behind me see me? Not a chance!

Today, cycling up High Street and into Royal Avenue, a throughway for buses and bicycles (according to the sign) or maybe it is a warning that bicycles are in fact invisible...people walked into me as i sat at traffic lights, they walked in front of me as I cycled towards Castle Court.

Even as I stood in my super-bright clothes locking my bike to a huge lamp post a woman with a buggy ran it into the back of my legs. At least there was an apology. Who on earth would apologise to an invisible man?

I pay my road tax because I also have a car. I commute on bike because it is good for me, good for the earth, good for the whole cosmos, good for the other road users, cheaper, it annoys Jeremy Clarkson (whom I envy greatly), it makes me feel like Michael Palin, and it is as exciting as an Alton Towers roller coaster without the safety harnesses.

But why does it make me invisible? Am I a bad person who deserves to be unseen like the many starving millions who are invisible to us? Sorry that is no comparison at all! Their invisibility is total and unforgivable.

Now a while ago Isaid my invisibility was not total. There are some people with the gift of sight. Telegraph sellers! They see me and wave newspapers at me. Teenagers in hoodies see me and cheer/jeer as the mood takes them.

Other cyclists can see me - they wave or nod in an "all the best for the Queen's Bridge" kind of way. Dogs see me even when their owners can't.

I wonder if the little old ladies ever wonder what it is their West Highland Terriers are barking at. You know when your dog barks at night in your house and you look out your window to see the murderer approaching but there is no one there.

He is there, but he is not a murderer, he is a cyclist who has ridden past in every light-reflective piece of clothing known to man, but can you see him? No. Taxi drivers can see me, but they have a malevolent spirit about them and, anyway, they want to double and triple park as if no one else uses the road.

So they wait until I am close and they squash me against a parked car or throw open their passenger door in front of me. I suspect they are frightened of what I stand for - people who can get themselves to places - so they want to create a jungle out there that forces people to opt for the comfort and apparent safety of a metal box.

Anyway, I am planning a great train robbery or a "dash and grab" raid on a fast food drive through just to check out my invisibility.

But the ultimate proof - to see a hand held speed camera and with my super-powers cycle to just over 30mph, which i can do for about 200m, and see if they can register my existence. If even they can't see me I am going to attach cameras to my person and you may see yourself and your driving skills on YouTube as filmed by the invisible cyclist!

Adrian McCartney

Have you, like Adrian, discovered something that amazes you? Let us know at Belfast Telegraph Online email digital.editorial@belfasttelegraph.co.uk

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