Just to prove nothing is going to change on this website now that I have a book, I Photoshopped Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on a bunch of stuff.

“So Sam, you’re now a published author and your website just hit its three-year anniversary. What are you going to do next?”

“I figured I’d spend a night Photoshopping Calvin pissing on stuff.”

1 | Jellyfish stings

If you’re gonna pee on something, might as well make it productive. Calvin could go around relieving people’s jellyfish pain, not just befouling the Ford logo.

2 | Judge Judy’s leg

And while he does it, he has to tell her it’s raining.

3 | R. Kelly

How can you know if other people like something unless you try it yourself, right? Calvin can give him something hot and fresh out the kitchen.

4 | Dennis the Menace

There can only be one! This would be the first blow in a Highlander battle between the two impish, towheaded cartoon boys.

5 | A pregnancy test

And, if the peeing-on-pregnancy-test scene in Juno taught us anything it’s that as Calvin pees on the pregnancy test he’ll get to exchange cringeworthy dialogue with Rainn Wilson.

6 | Jeffrey Lebowski’s rug

Calvin cares not about really tying the room together.

7 | A book on copyright infringement

Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, doesn’t get a royalty every time someone slaps a Calvin peeing sticker on the back of their windshield. So in an abstract sort of way, EVERY sticker of Calvin peeing on something is really him peeing on copyright law.

8 | Calvin Coolidge

Frankly, this is just bad luck by Calvin Coolidge — one of the famous Calvins was getting the call here and it turned out to be him. I figured he was just more worthy than John Calvin and less… um… busy than Calvin Murphy.

9 | Brooke Shields and her Calvins

After this incident, perhaps some detergent should come between her and her Calvins.

10 | Kelvins

Absolute zero? Ha! I piss on your theoretical temperatures! (And, in the process, warm them back up and out of the theoretical range.)

11 | Roy Hobbs

Calvin should pee on Roy “The Natural” Hobbs to let him know there’s only one Hobbes who he respects. [Side note: Has anyone ever accused The Natural of being all roided up? I know he had his special bat, but really. Not buying it. Someone make that guy pee in a cup. Although, if he’s clever, perhaps he can buy clean urine for the test. Maybe even Calvin’s clean urine. Full circle!]

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