Before I get into the rankings, let me just say that there have been some doubts regarding my gayness around the office, some more sincere than others. I’ll admit it; I’ve fanned the flames. Drinking Bud heavies in front of KMarko was a mistake, so was not kissing KFC when I had the chance . But that’s water under the bridge. Besides, it’s not like I haven’t shown receipts. I’m talking dick pics, people. Although to be fair they were shown to Riggs’s bad eye after I bought him a $14 spiked lemonade. So who knows what he thought he was looking at. You’d think showing co-workers pictures of other guys naughty parts would settle any uncertainty in regards to ones gayness, not to mention be frowned upon in an office environment. Nope. Not at Barstool. Here at HQ they need proof. Which is great because now I have an excuse to ratchet things up. And since having sex on camera is out of the question (or is it? cc: Asa) I’m going with next logical step, ranking the hotness of the Barstool bloggers. And I use the term “hotness” loosely.

I knew this day was coming. It’s been suggested on multiple occasions that I rank the bloggers and on each of those occasions I’ve resisted. That was until a few weeks ago during our post-combine drinks. I was responsibly enjoying cocktail with a few coworkers when it was brought up yet again. I responded like I usually do, saying I thought it was “too much.” To which Dave emphatically responded, “TOO MUCH WHAT?!” Traditionally, talking about your coworkers physical appearance never ends well. But this isn’t a tradition place. Besides, it’s all in good fun and when the boss man says “jump,” I say “how gay, sir!?”

We may be the only company whose on air talent looks worse than the behind the scenes people, myself included. Swear to G (‘G’ is me ratcheting it up,) the nerd floor is gorgeous, guys and girls. Well-dressed, put together, not hung over. Walk up to the content floor and it looks like a bomb went off. Sweatpants, gym shorts, tank tops. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s important to have a comfortable work environment. I’m just saying, it makes it tough to judge people when you’ve never seen them look their best.

The Rankings:

12. Nate.

Nate made the list not because he’s good looking but because he very well may be a millionaire by Thursday. And I would have a massive no problem calling Nate “daddy” if he was showering me hundo’s on a nightly basis. Besides, what he lacks in stature he makes up for in personality.

11. Smitty.

The ying to Nate’s yang. The dom top to his power bottom. I’d be remiss to not put one after the other. Don’t get me wrong, Smitty’s a good looking guy. His jaw line rivals that of Abe Lincoln (the Mount Rushmore version) and he put up impressive numbers at the combine. But for a guy who put up forty-five reps, he doesn’t really show it.

10. Trent and Riggs.

The Foreplay boys. Trent has that farm boy midwestern appeal and Riggs is everyones favorite uncle. Guy should be called Mr. good time. Some may say Trent could afford lose a few pounds but I don’t want him to. He wears it well. He’s a cub. And yeah, Riggs has “the eye” but I can over look it (pun intended.) If this was a personality blog they’d be number one.

9. Big Cat and PFT.

Another group I just couldn’t split up. I don’t even really know what to say about PFT, other than he’s mysterious, which is hot. Just like those queens said in the video, Big Cat serves trucker daddy vibes, in a good way. Ketosis diet is paying off for both of them.

8. KFC.

Irish, sarcastic, tall-er than most of the guys in the office and funny. He also has hair which is rare in these parts. Even though he’s an actual dad and not a *daddy, he’s still a good looking dude.

7. Francis.

Say what you will but he’s kind of built. Resisting bagel Fridays is clearly working. The amount of times I’ve seen him almost eat junk food is mind-bottling. Francis is one of those gingers who really embraces it. He wears the orange the orange doesn’t wear him. Francis would clean up on Fire Island.

6 Rone.

Is he Italian? Is he Irish? I don’t fucking know. The mix is working though. I don’t know how old he is. I don’t know if he has daughter. I don’t know anything other than the fact that we kind of look alike. He’s a smaller less gangly more handsome version of me. Moving on.

5. Feitelberg.

No, he’s not gay, he just dresses like it. Honestly, I wish he would take me shopping. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in the same outfit twice. He’s also funny, which wins major points. Blonde hair and blue eyes doesn’t hurt either.

4. YP.

I don’t know if he’s technically a “blogger” but that doesn’t matter. He’s on here strictly for the size of his ass. It’s ginormous. Like, huge. I would be doing a disservice to gay guys everywhere not mentioning it. I get that he played hockey, but he makes Kim Kardashian look like Calista Flockhart.

3. Keith aka KMarko.

For a guy who sits in front of a computer 10+ hours a day he’s in surprisingly good shape. Good genetics, I guess. Some would call him a wolf, others would call him an otter. What ever the case, Keith’s feathered hair and high-water joggers work for him. The man practices what he preaches; attention to detail.

2. Dave Portnoy.

Tan, well dressed and cares about how he looks. He’s perfected the island daddi look and I don’t hate it. Not to mention he’s constantly improving his body. I am worried about sun damage though, I saw him shirtless at the combine and he was tan. Like, really, really tan. Not that tan isn’t good, you just have to be careful. Don’t want to end up looking like Steve Winn. I could see him being one of these guys who reverse ages. He’s like the Benjamin Button of the internet.

1. Caleb.

I hate a male pony tail but god damn it, I’m man enough to admit when it works. It’ll be a sad day when the duke of dixie cuts his hair. Caleb has that southern charm about him. Nice smile, even keel, decent shape. Soft spoken guys are usually hit or miss but it’s a hit for Caleb.

Honorable mentions:

The entire 2nd floor, Tex, Glenny Balls, Robbie (illegal to comment)