Okay, seriously, how am I NOT dead right now?

I know I say stuff like that all the time, but you have NO IDEA what it was like walking into work yesterday. I might as well have been walking up to the freaking gallows.

It was our very first preview show of the season — ALMOST as big a deal as real opening night’s gonna be. It was huge for me — my first time actually using any of my design or costuming skills like, publicly. We’ve spent the last two months working our asses off on those costumes, and (more importantly) I spent those two months working my ass off sucking up to my boss and trying to impress her. And I was doing a damn good job of it too…

Until yesterday.

I showed up almost two hours late. They had to get all the costumes ready without me. And I felt like total shit (in more ways than one… that hangover headache was no joke. Ugh).

But believe it or not, Charlotte DIDN’T murder me. Maybe she was too busy worrying about all the costume changes and stuff to plan my horrible demise? Who knows.

I DID get a huge freaking earful from her last night before I went home though. All this stuff about me being “irresponsible” and “not taking this internship seriously” and how if SHE were as late as I was, the theater would fire her (which makes sense… She’s the head costume director. I’m just an intern!). And anyway, her bottom line was that I’m lucky that she’s giving me another chance.

… And then, after that giant angry rant, she complimented me on how nice one of the costumes I worked on ended up looking onstage.

I swear, this woman is worse than Jekyll and Hyde. I mean, she’s like, a huge idol of mine and I can’t believe how lucky I am to get to work under her. Over thirty years heading the costume department of one of the most famous theaters in the entire country? Damn. That’s insane!

But working for her for the next eight months might end up driving ME insane too, so… Interesting trade-off there I guess.

Anyway, the point is, yesterday could have been the end of everything I’ve been working toward for the past four years (or of my actual life too, if Charlotte had been feeling a little more on the Hyde-side). All because I let myself get way too drunk the night before. Ugh.

Apparently I’ve gotta start scheduling my pity-parties a little better in the future. I just ended up letting things get to me way more than I should have. So much that even snuggling Gucci wasn’t enough to make me feel better (yes, really — that bad!)

It all started when I went over to Mama and Papa’s for lunch the other day. Yeah, big mistake there. I had a feeling it was gonna be bad, but it was even worse than I thought it was gonna be. I should’ve listened to Tristan. He’s been warning me it’s getting ugly… And he wasn’t kidding.

It really kills me to see my parents like this. They’re SO miserable now. Like, worse than I’ve ever seen them before, if you can believe it. Tristan says Oma and Opa keep trying to talk to them both about it, but it just makes things worse.

I’m seriously not sure how much longer they’re gonna be able to go on like this. And I know I’ve been saying for years that they’d be better off if they weren’t together any more or something, but… Is it awful that the idea of them splitting up scares the shit out of me?

I know, I know. It doesn’t make any sense. I hate the idea of them staying together and being so miserable, but I also hate the idea of them getting divorced too… UGH. You see? This is why it’s all a trap. They let themselves get totally stuck in this stupid marriage, and now there’s basically no hope for them. Things are gonna suck for all of us no matter what happens now, whether they stay together or not. All because they let themselves get fooled into falling in love, or whatever (Pretty sure you can’t even call it ‘love’ at this point though).

So after all that, you’d think I’d be relieved when Mason called to tell me he and Caroline got engaged, right? This means I’ve officially dodged that bullet. I mean, I already kinda did back when they started dating, but this just confirmed it. And I should be grateful, shouldn’t I?

Or maybe I should pity him for letting himself get tricked so easily. Feel sorry for him for falling into something that’s pretty much destined to lead to heartbreak and doom.

But instead I feel… Okay, ‘jealous’ isn’t the right word. It’s really not. Just… sad. Empty. Maybe a little lonely? All the stuff I totally should’ve been over ages ago. Or better yet, never even felt in the first place.

I don’t love Mason. I never did. Not as more than a friend, at least. But I can’t lie — It’s hard not to let myself wonder what it might be like if I DID love him.

I still remember that second summer we spent together… You remember too, right? Before he went back home, he asked me if I wanted to try the whole ‘long distance’ thing. He wanted to give it a chance — to try and be more than just friends or fuck buddies or whatever we were.

And, well… You know what my answer was. And luckily it didn’t change anything between us. Not til he got with Caroline.

But the other night got me wondering again… what if I’d said yes?

Ugh! Why do I let myself do this? I should be grateful I had enough sense to turn him down. Like I said, I dodged a major bullet.

Unfortunately I was too busy feeling sorry for myself the other night to realize that though.

I ended up totally bailing on my plans with Xander, getting way too drunk, bringing home this guy who turned out to be a major asshole, and, well, you know the rest (or most of it… Not even gonna MENTION the messed-up nightmare this whole thing gave me. I’m already freaking scarred for life!)

Anyway, things smoothed over a lot better than I thought they would. I felt a lot better about the whole Mason thing the next day (fearing for my life at the hands of my boss was a nice distraction, I guess), Charlotte didn’t murder me OR fire me, and Xander wasn’t mad at me for bailing on him either.

That last part wasn’t much of a surprise though — Xander never lets anything bother him. He’s one of the chillest people I know. I don’t know how he does it, but nothing ever seems to get him down. The shittiest trolls from the scummiest depths of the internet come clawing their way into his comment section with the meanest, nastiest stuff you could imagine, and you know what Xander does?

Laughs his ass off, takes a screenshot, and sends it to me like it’s the funniest thing in the world (and, okay, yeah, some of them ARE pretty hysterical, actually).

The point is, if he doesn’t let a bunch of stupid hate and insults get him down, I knew he wouldn’t take it personally if I missed out on Skyping with him and watching his livestream the other night. And he didn’t. He was a little bummed, I guess. But not mad.

I messaged him last night after work, and we’re supposed to Skype later tonight to make up for it. It’s been over a week since we’ve actually talked to each other, so we’re definitely overdue. I can’t wait to tell him all about Charlotte’s rampage face-to-face (Oh, and congratulate him on all those subscribers too, obviously! I still can’t believe he finally did it!).

Not gonna lie though… I’m a little worried too. Xander told me he has some kind of ‘big news’ he wants to tell me — big enough that he even put off sharing it in his livestream, he said. Because he wanted to tell me himself first. “But it’s good news,” he told me. “Don’t worry.”

Uh-huh. Sure. I tried to sound all excited or whatever (luckily it’s pretty easy to pretend through text), but how is that not supposed to make me feel terrified?! The last time someone said they had ‘big news’ to share, Mason told me he was getting married!

Last I heard, Xander hasn’t had a girlfriend since he dumped that stalker Connie girl last year (good riddance!). But with how things have been going for me lately, who the heck knows? Did he run off and elope or something? Knock up some girl and now they’ve gotta get married?

God, I hope not. But I guess I’ll find out tonight…