Forget everything that you have read or heard about that night the Palin family showed up at someone else’s birthday party all liquored-up and ready to rumble.

Yup. Forget the eyewitness accounts, the police reports, and transcripts taken from a police interview at the scene. It’s all bullshit created by a vast leftwing conspiracy out to destroy America’s Favorite Snowbilly Family, and Bristol Palin is here to set the record straight because she was there, man. She was kneee-deep in that shit.

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Bristol, eldest daughter to podcasting babbler and former co-star of the canceled 2008 GOP presidential ticket, Sarah Palin, took to her mommyblog to explain what really went down that fateful night. At least to the best of her ability, since by all reports she was drunker than Peggy Noonan on Reagan’s birthday when interviewed by police.

First of all, do you know why the ‘lamestream media’ is still reporting on this nothing-burger of a story about a family that was almost one melanoma recurrence away from putting a couch out on the front porch of the White House? I mean besides the fact that they went drunk-cruising in a white limo in Wasilla, Alaska on a Saturday night, crashed a party, and then got into a swear-filled bloody jihad with the townsfolk who all apparently hate their guts?

I think I just answered that first question.

However, according to Bristol, it’s the media’s fault that people are interested and pointing and gawking and not the fact that America just can’t get enough of thanking White Jesus that the ‘laboratories of democracy’ didn’t became the ‘fiery exploding meth lab of democracy.’

So please, Bristol, illuminate for us why this is a tale full of sound and fury, signifying nothing:

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….after a month and a half of hearing rumors about myself and family, I’ve finally decided to comment about the situation. Instead of listening to all the people who weren’t there — people who claim they heard this from their cousin/brother/sister-in-law/step-daughter/long lost little brother – let me tell you what actually happened.

It seems that a ‘friend” took a cheap shot from behind from a party-goer and middle-daughter Willow Palin got all up in the grill of the mom of cheap-shotting guy, saying, “get ahold of your son.” That is when Shit. Got. Real.

But apparently the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, because his mom pushed Willow. A grown woman pushed my little sister. By this point, I’d already gotten into the car. But when Willow ran to me crying, telling me that some lady had pushed her down, I got out of the car to go talk to her.

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Yes, 20-year-old Willow was pushed to the ground and ran crying to big sis Bristol because the Palin girls always stick up for each other — like that time Bristol was Facebook-arguing with some kid and Willow jumped in and called critics of the Palin Family “fat” and “faggots” which she can say because the Palin’s are rich and therefore classy.

After I got out of the car, I didn’t get far. I never even got to talk to his mom, because a guy in his late thirties or early forties got in my face. He was towering over me – probably at 6 foot something and over 200 pounds. He puffed his chest out and started yelling. “You c-nt!” he looked right in my eyes and said. “Get the f-ck out of here, you slut!”

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So although Bristol didn’t know who the guys whose party she was crashing was, he had a more than passing familiarity with her because , y’know…. small town, word gets around.

I was alarmed that things had gotten so bad so fast. But it got even worse when this guy started pushing me. He had his hands on me, pushing me down. That’s when I swung and hit his face. Some would say I should’ve never retaliated in defense against him, but certainly he should never have pushed a girl. It didn’t phase(sic) him. He pushed me down to the ground and kept me there. It was scary and awful. He held me down until someone got me out of the situation. That’s it – that’s the story.

Or is it?

This is what I don’t understand. I have mostly stayed out of the public eye for the past few years. I clock in and out of work – yes I actually have a job – like most middle class Americans and chip away at making my son’s life just a little bit easier. So why does the media still choose to put the Palins into an entirely different category of people? This “story” is still running over a month and a half later. Rumors still run wild, unsubstantiated claims are printed as true, and random people who weren’t even there are considered “eye witnesses.”

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At which point Bristol graciously asked that people respect her privacy as an average anonymous middle-class American who just wants to live a simple life of quiet reflection.

Nah, Bristol can’t let it go. Because she’s a Palin:

In the meantime, did you even hear about Vice President Joe Biden’s adult son who kicked out of the Navy for cocaine? (That’s the real Vice President’s kid…) So pause for a moment and consider the hysteria over our stupid “incident”, compared to our actual Vice President’s son not even being able to hold on to a position in the Navy Reserve. I’m sure you heard the happy news that Chelsea Clinton had a baby. But did you know her father-in-law and Clinton family pal Edward Mezvinsky is a convicted felon because of committing bank, wire, and mail fraud?

….and she’s classy.