You ever sit back about a time in your life with a major decision and wonder how different your life could’ve been? Last November and December I was offered a job that would have me split my time between living in Medford and Portland, Oregon. A big boy job for a manufacturing company. I was ready to take it. Big boy decision. I had never been to Oregon, but they have coffee, the Trailblazers, major college football, and it looks beautiful on google images

Beautiful! “It’s a major American city. How bad could it be?”–Myself 11 months ago How bad could it be? HOW BAD?! EVERYONE IS POOPING IN THE STREET.

(source)–Portland has a serious poop problem. The Oregon city recently acknowledged that it removed 3,300 gallons of human waste from the streets in the past year alone. However, the police say they’re powerless to stop homeless people from relieving themselves in public, even if it happens right in front of them. Sgt. Kevin Allen, a public information officer with the Portland Police Bureau, told Pluralist: “It is a topic officers that work downtown hear about somewhat regularly.” The complication, he said in an email exchange, is that an Oregon court last year barred authorities from using a state law in cases of public urination and defecation. “I’m not aware of a legislative fix, so at this point we are unable to address the behavior from a law enforcement standpoint,” Allen said.

3300 GALLONS OF POOP IN ONE YEAR. Look, I come from a place where the thought of one milk carton of human poop is enough to trigger a gag relflex, but 3300 seems like an unbelievably high number. I would’ve been FUCKED in Portland. When I was talking myself into that job I was thinking that it was all literal roses, wineries, coffee shops, a little weed, and Oregon cheerleaders

WRONG. Apparently I would’ve been tiptoeing around poop which covers every street while trying not to get hit in the head with a bike lock by antifa

They’d see me coming with my baseball hat, doughy midwestern body, banana republic credit card, and employment and start salivating over the thought of putting me in the hospital. I wouldn’t have survived in Portland, but I was naiive and ready to go right up until Dave Portnoy and Erika Nardini offered me a job to stay in Chicago where I can blog about poop. I think I made the right choice. Thank god for them.