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CAUTION: PROLONGED TOLKIEN EXPOSURE MAY BE HOBBIT-FORMING

Here’s the perfect shirt for when you want to look Mordorky.

“Whew! My fuzzy feets is killin’ me, Fro-bro. You think maybe we can take a quick breather?”

“OK, sure, but let’s keep it short. This thing is giving me hot flashes like nobody’s business, and we’re almost to the drop-off point.”

“Are we in Mordor proper already? I should check in on Foursquare.”

“DON’T EVEN, dude. You know Sauron monitors that shizzle, like, OBSESSIVELY.”

“I was just yankin’ your chain mithril, dude. But hey—since you brought him up…”

“Yeah?”

“Well, uh… What’s his deal, exactly?”

“Whose deal? Sauron’s?”

“Yeah. Like… What _is_he?”

“What do you mean? He’s the Necromancer. He’s the bad guy.”

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“I mean what is he? Is he like… a person?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I can’t tell. He seems more like… an entity. Y’know. He was an Ainu or whatever.”

”’Ainu.’ That’s not all that helpful, really. That’s… what, exactly? A spirit?”

“Something like that, I guess. It doesn’t totally make sense to me.”

“But Frodster, he’s after the ring, right? He wears rings. He must have hands. He’s got to be basically a dude, or at least dude-shaped, right?”

“You got me, Sam. I think maybe he can take many forms. Some of those forms must have fingers though, you’re right.”

“But I mean—just look at the size of just his one eye. He must be huge. That little hobbit-sized ring will never fit on his gigundous finger.”

“Sam, don’t look at the eye! Get down, jeeze!”

“Hey—hey, get this: If he tries to wear that little ring, it’s going to feel pretty sore on. Get it? ‘Sore on?’”

“Yeesh. That’s a long way to go for a joke that bad.”

“What can I say, Frodster? I’m in the Fellowship of the Ring. Taking the long route is kind of our deal.”

“Anyway, I’m pretty sure the ‘Eye of Sauron’ is not literally his physical eye. It’s like… a thing he conjured. I mean, the ‘Mouth of Sauron’ wasn’t his mouth. It was a person. One of those Black Númenóreans.”

“If you say so, Foderino. The whole thing doesn’t really make sense to me. But what do I know about it? Never had much reason to study the whole metaphysical cosmology of Middle Earth back in the Shire.”

“Well, whatever that eye thing is, it’s just lost its contact lens, look! Now’s our chance to tippy-toe around behind him and slip up to Mount Doom!”

“ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY TIPPY-TOE INTO oh, wait, you’re right, yeah, he’s totally not looking. We’re in like Éowyn!”

Wear this shirt: at the mall. It’s one shirt to rule the mall.

Don’t wear this shirt: under orc armor, unless you want it to smell like that for basically ever.

This shirt tells the world: “Told you I was tricksy.”

We call this color: Brown, After “Brownie,” The Specialist Stunt Horse Who Performed That Scene In The Two Towers Where Brego Finds The Wounded Aragorn Washed Up On A Riverbank, Nuzzles Him Awake, Then Lies Down So The Future High King Of The Reunited Kingdom Can Climb On—Just Because We Appreciate A Well-Trained Movie Horse, Not Out Of LOTR Fandom, Because Actually Brego The Horse Does Not Even Appear In The Novels, And Was Invented For The Movies, Although There Is A Character Named Brego In The Books, But He Was The Second King of Rohan, And Probably Not A Horse (We Don’t Remember Tolkien Specifically Stipulating He Wasn’t, But It Probably Would Have Merited Mentioning If He Was)

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