Jack in the Box, a fast-food chain that does not have any locations in the mid-Atlantic region of the United States, wants New Yorkers to be able to experience its new "Brewhouse Burger," which is being unveiled today. To that end, they have created a VR experience revolving around "the inspiration for the burger." I experienced it, but it wasn't a VR experience so much as it was a bad dream. As such, I decided to analyze it with the appropriate tools: free internet dream dictionaries. Everything that follows happened in the Jack in the Box VR demo, while wearing a pair of "Brew Goggles."

The other day, I had a dream. I was sitting on a stool that was 11 feet tall. I was in a gastropub with beautiful lighting. It was all wooden. All around me were noises that very nearly resembled the noises of human activity — chatter without words, chewing without food, drunkenness without the buzz, and music without the music.

As I looked down, I felt at once like I was going to fall from my perch and that I would never be able to move my arms or legs again. According to the health section on the Today Show website, the former means that I feel something in my life is going rapidly in the wrong direction, and according to most folklore of the Western world, the latter means that there is a demon sitting on my chest.

To my left a woman said, "So, do you come here often?" and I turned away. To my right a man yelled, "Can I get a beer?" and then punched the oak surface in front of him. I looked up, to a skylight, because it was the only place left to me. According to DreamMean.com, the yelling means that someone desperately needs to reach me. I hope it's someone who knows how to discretely leave a gastro-pub you woke up in by accident.

A man with a bun set a beer in front of me. I took it. There is nothing to do in this world but take what is set in front of you. That's the first thing you learn! For a second I was at peace, but then I realized my arms were still paralyzed and I couldn't get the beer to my mouth. I was parched. According to Auntyflo.com, the thirst means that I'm restless. The irony here: I'm restless and I'm paralyzed.

i'm restless and i'm paralyzed

A clown walked toward me slowly. I knew he was a mascot, but I couldn't place him. His head was round and white, like a cue ball. His nose was a blackened ice cream cone and his hat was also an ice cream cone. His eyes were like White Walkers'. His T-shirt was purple, but I suspected that he usually wears a suit. He knew me too well — I hate suits. He shushed me as he set down a cheeseburger. It was for me. The yelling man was jealous. He wore a nice shirt and I think he probably works on Wall Street, even though I do not think this pub is in New York City. I don't think the pub is anywhere. It was so clean.

In regards to the cheeseburger, DreamWell.com encourages me to ask myself, "Are we in need of nourishment, either spiritually or emotionally?" Oh, probably. In regards to the clown, SleepCulture.com suggests I need to let my hair down. It's hard, because I'm paralyzed.

allegedly, i need to let my hair down

WeKnowYourDreams.com says that all the light indicates that I fear nothing. This website is not accurate. I fear a lot of things. I fear walking through Manhattan in the dog days of July. I fear parking tickets and pilsners and sponsored tweets. I fear special sauces. I fear sitting 11 feet in the air. I fear never having a clean, well-lighted place outside of this cheeseburger dream.

I wake up and someone gives me a real cheeseburger. It's very disorienting, like coming out of a movie theater and immediately having a meet-cute with an architect.

Jack in the Box's "Brewhouse Burger" VR experience is available to the public today. It does not come with a real cheeseburger.