Did you know that they say that fights occur 10 percent because of difference in opinion and 90 percent because of how we approach and deliver our argument? That means that a large majority of fights are due to the way we fight, not what we fight about. While there may not be hard evidence to support that statement, it’s very much a fact that we all have our own style of fighting or dealing with conflict. Some of us harbor our feelings inside and release them at very random, very inconvenient times. Guilty. Some of us avoid conflict at all costs. And some of us confront conflict head on. Many fights are a result of two people engaging in conflict with styles of fighting that simply do not align.

My husband and I have two very different approaches to conflict. I internalize things. I like to take a step back and determine what I’m actually upset about and if it’s worth being upset over. I call this “reflecting.” My husband calls this “overthinking.” (To be fair, I have been known to find at least three other issues to be upset about during my “reflection time.”) He, on the other hand, would prefer to have it out and be done with it. He calls this “straightforward.” I call it “confrontational.”

Simply put, our methods of approaching conflict are on two very opposite ends of the spectrum. So when we got married two years ago, we were determined to just not fight at all. We relied heavily on the strategy that if we didn’t talk about it, we wouldn’t fight about it. We got married in July. And we made it until the end of September without any major incident. And then…we. had. it. out. Two months of built-up frustration, two months of sharing a two-bedroom townhome and two months of learning to share finances came spilling out in one, completely unhealthy fight. It was more of an eruption, really. We now refer to this as “that one fight.” See, the entire two months of avoiding conflict (or at least, avoiding talking about it), set us up for disaster. By the time we were forced to talk about it, we had at least 20 unresolved issues and a lot of feelings. So. Many. Feelings.

Fast forward to today, we both recognize the significance of embracing conflict—but doing so in a way that reflects and honors the commitment we made to one another and the respect we have for each other. This is one of those easier-said-than-done kind of things, but together, we’ve developed a list of “best practices” or rules for engaging in conflict—and I can’t tell you that we follow them religiously, but we try to keep them in mind. Why? Because our fighting styles develop patterns, those patterns develop into habits, and habits are hard to break.

Rule Number One: Remember that anger is a secondary emotion.

Anger is often an emotion that masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, stress and fear. Remember when you broke curfew and your mom didn’t know where you were? When you walked in two hours past curfew, I bet she reacted with anger. It’s likely that she was actually full of fear, not anger. It’s important to know HOW you feel in order to understand WHY you feel that way. Are you angry at your husband for canceling dinner plans? Or are you actually disappointed because you had been looking forward to it all week? We often turn to anger because it feels more powerful and comfortable than admitting we’re hurt, sad or disappointed. I have noticed that my husband responds more openly when I’m honest and let him know something he did hurt my feelings, rather than getting angry at him. Anger is what fuels fighting. If we’re just honest about those more vulnerable feelings, we can at least take the anger out of it.

Rule Number Two: Be in control, not controlling.

Learn this difference. Taking control of your feelings means that you are in control of your thoughts. When you are in control of your thoughts, you are in control of your words/actions. And that means that you are in control of your role in the argument. And yes, there are roles and you need to play both parts—you are a talker and you are a listener. When you are in control, you know when it’s time to assume each role. Being controlling means that you are dictating the conversation (and maybe relationship) to fulfill a very self-centered approach to conflict. It also means that you are doing all of the talking and none of the listening. In your partner’s eyes, you are looking to win, not to resolve.

Rule Number Three: Avoid extremities.

Extremities are words like “never” and “always.” They are usually precursors to an inaccurate statement. For one, extremities are almost always inaccurate. Two, because they are inaccurate, they discredit your own feelings. For example, let’s say my husband didn’t do the dishes like he said he would. When I tell him that he NEVER does the dishes when he says he will, he isn’t feeling bad for not doing the dishes last night. Instead, he’s thinking about the four times he did the dishes last week. And now, he comes to the conclusion that I’m upset for no reason—because if I’m upset that he NEVER does the dishes, well, that’s simply not true, and therefore, my feelings are unwarranted. So three things have happened here. I made an unfair claim. I failed to acknowledge all of the times Wade has done the dishes. And I discredited my feelings because my partner thinks I’m upset for no reason.

Rule Number Four: The right to be mad doesn’t give you the right to be mean.

I don’t know about you, but I say mean things when I’m mad. In fact, I say mean things and I say things I don’t mean. (If this is something you struggle with, go back to rule number one and re-read). We say regrettable things when we’re in the middle of a fight. And while we like to dismiss the harshness of our words because we were “caught up in the moment,” the person on the receiving end of these words can never un-hear them. Imagine those words written on a piece of paper. And imagine your partner opens up that piece of paper and reads those words every single day. Would you speak differently? Would you use different words? They might forgive you, but the words can’t be un-said, un-heard or un-felt.

On a related note, here is some advice from my extra-wise mother: the one who yells the loudest is not winning the argument. If there is such a thing as “winning” in this situation, it is not accomplished by talking over your partner. When you talk over your partner, it’s unlikely that they will stop talking and respectfully wait for you to finish your rant. It’s much more likely that they will begin to talk over you. And two raised voices leads to flat out yelling. From experience, yelling resolves very little, if anything.

Rule Number Five: Know your goal.

If you initiated the conversation/conflict, or brought up the conversation that led to the conflict, it was because you are unhappy with something in the relationship or you hoped that something would change in the relationship. If you don’t know what the end-game goal is, you will find it difficult to stop fighting. Retrospectively, if your partner doesn’t know what your goal is, they cannot and will not compromise with you. Having a realistic, attainable goal is the only way that you can progress in your relationship and come to an understanding.