NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With the first Presidential debate just two days away, G.O.P. nominee Mitt Romney has been working intensively on two skills that have eluded him throughout the campaign: talking and thinking.

According to one aide, much of Mr. Romney’s debate preparation has involved rehearsing a slew of prepackaged “zingers,” with mixed results: “We gave him what we thought was a foolproof line about the budget deficit and he somehow turned it into a crack about gay Mexicans.”

Reportedly, Mr. Romney’s practice debates have gone worse than expected, with the former Massachusetts governor getting trounced by a variety of opponents, including the Apple personal assistant Siri.

At a joint campaign appearance in Ohio today, Ann Romney attempted to lower expectations for her husband’s performance at this Wednesday’s debate: “When Mitt starts working his mouth and goes off on some weird tangent about who knows what, please just tune him out. God knows that’s how I’ve survived all these years.”

Mr. Romney also downplayed his debate prospects, telling supporters: “President Obama could very well be the greatest debater in human history. He’s Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow, and the Roman orator Cicero put together. Next to that silver-tongued bastard I’m going to sound like someone with a head injury.”

Later in the day, Mr. Romney’s campaign released a statement apologizing to people with head injuries.

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Photograph by Richard Ellis/Getty.