CHICAGO, IL — This weekend, thousands of Star Wars fans will converge on ultra-violent, crime-ridden Chicago for four days of convention fun — what could go wrong?! Not much, according to Captain Panaka cosplayer Carl Danvers, who arrived a day early to set up perimeters and ensure the McCormick Center is free of Sith, battle droids, and prequel haters.

We caught up with Danvers at the Hampton Inn in Chicago’s Magnificent Mile, where he was running security exercises in the courtyard.

“I can guarantee the safety of everyone on Saturday and Sunday, but fans going to Celebration on Thursday, Friday, or Monday are on their own, because I only have a weekend pass,” said Danvers.

According to the substitute-teacher-turned-Panaka-cosplayer, he’s less concerned about Chicago’s criminal element preying on Star Wars fans than he is of nerd-on-nerd violence.

Specifically, Danvers will be looking out for prequel haters and Disney sequel haters who regularly create and monetize controversy within Star Wars fandom. High on Danvers’ list of potential troublemakers are members of The Fandom Menace — a group of toxic fans who’ve made a lucrative hobby out of attacking Kathleen Kennedy and antagonizing anyone who may have enjoyed the films in question.

“They can kiss their Fandom Menace goodbye in Chicago! I’ve been Queen Amidala’s Head of Security for almost 12 years at conventions all around the country, but at Celebration, Kathleen Kennedy is my Queen. And I will ensure no one boos her or gets out of line. This imitation S-5 blaster has your name on it, haters!”

Strong words from a man in a hand-crafted uniform!

Danvers will be on duty as Captain Panaka all day Saturday and Sunday at Star Wars Celebration. You might even catch him at the FSW Radio booth at McCormick Place, since we’ve convinced him to guard us as well. Believe it or not, FSW has haters of our own. Who’d have thunk?!

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