A solid half hour into your dinner date at Applebee’s, your friend is still scanning the menu like it’s one of the lengthiest and most detailed novels ever written. WTF?

Even though she said she’s, “not that hungry” and “will probably just have a side or something,” Chelsea is scanning the entrees and cocktail list like it’s some sort of epic tale of the hubris of man.

Just pick an app, Chelsea!

While you were quickly ready with your choice of Chicken Quesadilla and the $1 Mai Thai deal, you had to turn the server away for a third time because Chelsea is scanning every single 2 for $22 option like someone who isn’t currently on Keto.

“Ooh I wonder if we’ll have room for dessert later,” your dumbass, slow ass friend says as you check the clock, wondering whether you’ll even be able to get your buzz on before this restaurant shuts down for the night.

Bitch, pick a food! This night is rapidly escaping like a great white whale.

Chelsea continues to scan the Frozen lemonades and wonder aloud about “maybe we split something,” as if she has all the resources in the goddamn world.

As Ishmael would say, “For God’s sake, be economical with your lamps and candles! Not a gallon you burn, but at least one drop of man’s blood was spilled for it.”

At press time, Chelsea asked you what made a pub pretzel different from a regular pretzel.