Ladies, sometimes in life you need to lower your expectations. You're close to (or already in) your thirties; your hormones are screaming out, you're ready to procreate, and yet you're still single? You need a man. Once you're in this particular age...

Ladies, sometimes in life you need to lower your expectations. You're close to (or already in) your thirties; your hormones are screaming out, you're ready to procreate, and yet you're still single? You need a man.

Once you're in this particular age group, you need to stop deluding yourself. You'll have to pick someone from one of two categories:

- the damaged, who's just realized after a 7 year relationship with his high-school sweetheart that she was cheating on him all along with his best friend. Which sucks. He's lost all faith in love and will soon start collecting rifles or develop Klismaphilia.

- the geek. However, I'm not talking about guys with an iPhone, who kick ass at Plants vs Zombies (they're just naive hipsters). I'm talking about a real geek, with a scraggly mess of hair, poor home-furnishing organised around network cables and RAM strips, and who - his mother excluded - talks to two girls a month, and that's when it's time to grab some food like frozen pizza/coke/noodles at the convenience store. The single and rather cute geek is a relatively untapped resource and somewhat neglected, so GO FOR IT GALS.

I won't go over the benefits of having a geek as a boyfriend and father, nor how to get one; it's all been done before. Instead, I'll give you a surefire guide on how to bag one of these shy boys and get him to do the previously implausible: try to hit on you in a clumsy but cute way.

illustration by @toadscroack

1. Intro: using the network to get your net (to) work

You're used to using your skills on regular guys, and you don't go in for the kill until you've found out as much as you can about your target via Facebook. Unfortunately, the geek may have a rebellious streak (he may be really into being a private and untraceable fellow), and may not have signed up for an account. Your target nevertheless surely runs a blog, or has a Twitter account. Between two notes/rants on downloading regulations, or his last discovery on 4chan, you might find some precious information on him, his tastes, or his "world", as they'd say on American Idol.

2. Talk to me nerdy

You'll score big by talking to him. Remember: what's rare is priceless. But be careful, mistakes are easy to make. The geek values intelligence, even if he doesn't have much himself. He tends to put every girl into the same category: "mammal whose main activity is manicures, shopping, food, interior design, candy-pink themes, culture, Dan Brown and Twilight." Avoid these subjects. For the subjects that matter, check out the footnote. Don't forget to be funny. Geeks have a sense of humor too.

3. Be fully aware of geek culture

As you may know, there is a geek culture. Believe it or not, these people have read a lot in their lives, which might be difficult to believe due to the time they spend on their computers. Luckily for you, this likely took place when they were teenagers and had the time to do so, and these key books are still barely out of reach. After reading the first chapter of Foundation (Asimov), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams, thin and cheap) or Dune, you'll be able to get to the fabled "someone I can talk to" status. One sort of nail polish is enough; let me remind you that the goal here is to create the conditions for inseminating intercourse, not talk all night. An afternoon in your local library will do it. If you don't have a library nearby, tell him that your favorite books when you were 12 were part of a thrilling fantasy adventure saga in which YOU are the hero.

4. Now play

Realize that geeks are just kids in adult bodies. In my opinion, a quality geek uses a PC, but let me remind you that you are looking for motherhood here. Don't be too picky, and just be content with someone who likes his games if need be, especially if he's a bit hot. It would be a good idea to get some facts about his equipment and memorise some key names. Especially some battle games that you can play together. Picture this: "So you have a X-Box? D'you think you’ll kick my ass at Soul Calibur?" Followed by a giggle and it’s in da pocket.

5. Mind your appearance

Just a small reminder: the geek is a shy and sensitive being. On the other hand, he's got used to the idea of ending up a long-term bachelor, or with a fat and hairy girl. So, you need to be feminine, but at the same time accessible. Choose between the low-cut top and the skirt, and forget about excessive makeup. Be the girl next door; fresh and smiley. No matter what, you'll never be as hot as Seung Mina.

6. Have a chainmail

The chainmail reveals two things. First, maybe once, you were been involved in a LARP (Live Action Role Playing, a kind of fancy-dress gathering of geeks), then you're ready to fight against a zombie attack. In other words, you’re ready to rumble AND you have strong practical sense, meaning you're the perfect woman, worth propagating his genetic heritage.

7. Use Sed to get him to concede

A perfect way to communicate with a geek is via IM. I'll give you my secret weapon, which is like catnip to any geek (a real one, the kind who writes code). It's sed. One day, eventually, you'll make a typing error. Instead of rectifying immediately like normal people do, just type this:

s/[word to replace]/[replacement word]/

It doesn't seem like much - any first grader can do it - but the effect is just pure magic. In practice it looks like this:

>Tenfloril: I love pizza. What's your fav meal?

>Ursula78: I could kill for peking fuck

>Ursula78: s/fuck/duck/

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: Marry me.

The Digital Economy State Secretary and the Population Explosion Ministry sponsored this post. If it's a girl, you can call her Hillary.

Article taken from our friend Megaconnard's (Big Bastard) wonderful website!