Although He Has Made Zero Effort to Make Amends, It Is Time to Bring Steve the Masturbator Back to Our Office

Folks, I know I’m going to catch some flak for saying this. But, it’s time for me to bravely roll out the red carpet for our cast aside colleague, Steve. You all remember Steve, right? The one who stood up in the middle of our monthly staff meeting and masturbated in front of everyone? Then we found out he had been doing this sort of thing for years and intimidated people into keeping it quiet? And then he sent an apology email where he didn’t use the word “sorry” once? Remember all of this?

Well, I think it’s time we brought Steve back to the office. Now I know what you’re all thinking: Steve the masturbator hasn’t made amends. Steve, the guy who took out his penis and tugged on it in front of many non-consenting human beings for years, has learned nothing from the whole experience. Steve, the strange man who cornered his coworkers and slapped his penis around in front of them, does not deserve a redemption story a few months later.

I disagree with those assessments. Sure, it’s been a few months. That’s plenty of time for us all to move on from the fact that Steve climbed up on our office’s conference table, took out his dick, and played it like a banjo. It’s time to fully rehabilitate Steve because he is a supremely talented accountant and the world deserves to see his accounting. Just forget about all the horrible masturbating he forced many of our employees to witness over the years. This is a once-in-a-generation accountant we’re talking about. His spreadsheets deserve to be shared with the world.

I think Steve has learned plenty of things during his forced sabbatical. He has served his hard time while sitting around his fancy apartment and doing literally nothing to show that he’s grown from this ordeal. I can think of no punishment greater than quietly retreating to your penthouse for a bit and displaying zero remorse. Steve’s done that, inadequately written apology and all. Now, we must forget any of this has ever happened and let Steve the masturbator back into our lives. He deserves to move on with his life, even if that means disturbing your life.

We owe Steve the masturbator another chance. Who’s to say what the right length of time is for a leave of absence after you juggle your private parts in front of non-consenting people? The important part is that Steve feels ready to come back, so it’s on the rest of us to adjust our comfort levels to allow for it.