Most of our lives are spent absorbing information, adapting our beliefs and molding ourselves to fit into civilization. The autonomous life we imagine experiencing once we become adults never happens. We go from living under our parent’s strict rules to having a boss or partner telling us what to do. Let us not forget the expectations society places upon us.

But when do we begin to think on our own?

How many of our choices are based on what’s expected of us to do?

And how do we break away from our programming?

Most of us are acting out of contradicting beliefs we have accepted without question.

I spend the last twelve months attempting to understand myself. Analyzing my choices and questioning whether any of them have been made subconsciously out of fear or past conditioning.

I grew up without having my father around, and it wasn’t until a recent introspection that I became aware of my fear of abandonment. I held back a part of me, afraid the person I was in love with will not love me. I was a people pleaser, unable to let go of destructive relationships.

One evening a friend canceled plans hours after our meet up time, I became so upset tears streamed down my cheeks, moments later the memory of me sitting by a window waiting for my father to pick me up came to my mind. There were many incidents when my dad would tell us he’d be picking us up and never show up. It wasn’t until that very moment that I became aware and was able to seal the wound my dad had created.

We live our lives with open wounds caused by childhood traumas, its time we begin to heal ourselves and stop accepting others opinions and actions as truth. Many believe that by changing a habit we change our conditioning, but this is not true. A great example is cleaning up a flooded room without knowing where the source of the leak is. We can spend forever attempting to remove the water, but it’s not until we figure out where the leak is coming from that the flooding stops.

We are imitators of the world around us. Next time you feel impatient or dumb, try to remember the moment in your childhood when you were treated this way and seal the hole at its source.