I’ve always been a dreamer. I dreamed of having the perfect family with the kids and the white picket fence, something that was my own that I could be proud of. I got the marriage. I got the kids. But I was missing something. This panel in white coats start asking me questions. The one question I really couldn’t answer for a long time was a very basic question. What do I want? When I woke up from that, things were much more clear. I thought I met the love of my life. We decided early on to have a child. By default I was going to be a dad. But it was really a parent’s role. My job was to make sure that he grew up as well as he could and teach him all the things he needed to do, watch him crawl and watch him walk. I was always very proud of my wife and what she had to go through to have these kids. But part of me, I think, really did want to be in her position. The kicks in her belly, I could feel them from the outside, but it just wasn’t the same. Especially when she was she was having trouble feeding, I would have easily taken her — her place. I just wasn’t physically able to. I didn’t realize I was jealous in the moment. Maybe it was a subconscious thing. Once I made that connection that yes, I’m a parent, and yes, I’m a woman, that’s when I really connected that yes, I’m a mother. I could be the dad that everybody wants a dad to be, but it wasn’t me. When I first came out to my kids, we didn’t have a title for me. My wife was very protective of the title of Mom. I respected where she came from, but it was really difficult to hear. I’ll never shy away from the fact that I’m their biological father. At the same time, I don’t want them to see me that way. When I see pregnant women in the world, or I see just babies, I still am jealous. And I don’t know why that is, that I need to have that connection. If I’m out in the world and people see me, they want to call me Mom. That’s just kind of a societal thing. Oh, it’s a woman with kids, must be a mother. But for me it’s deeper than that. It really is a need to want to carry and bear a child. Am I less of a mother because I didn’t get to have that experience? It’s almost like I haven’t earned something. I’m a mother in all senses of the word except the physical one. And there’s nothing I can do about it. And that hurts and will always hurt. My children actually made me a bracelet. Of the four charms that I got, the most important one is a heart that says Mom. It was a validation from my wife that she was accepting this. I think I have trouble with things like, well you were Dad and now you’re Mom. Or you’re a man and now you’re a woman. And I’m like, I think I was always the same person. My head just didn’t connect those dots. People ask, “Why didn’t you wait until the kids are grown and out of the house?” I couldn’t. Kids need strong parents, and I wasn’t strong. I was sad and depressed. And so by finding myself, not only do I help myself, I help them. I don’t think there’s much of a bigger mother quality than that. Inside I didn’t feel connected to motherhood at all. I just felt lost.