When I first saw the trailer for Hotel Artemis, I was very excited, it had an interesting concept with ton of big names and stars on the rise. The film follows a “hotel” that caters to the criminal underworld of Los Angeles when they have been injured. My hopes were that it would be the next in line of great modern action films along the lines of John Wick or The Raid, high hopes to be sure but with names like Jodie Foster and Drew Pearce (writer of Iron Man 3) it had potential… which is why I was so annoyed when the final credits rolled. There were sparks of something special throughout Hotel Artemis, but it never capitalized on it’s potential and will ultimately go down as just another forgettable action movie. But i can fix it…

Now, Hotel Artemis isn’t all bad, like I said it had sparks of greatness in it’s concept and its characters but they were never fully realized so in my fix i’m going to hope to fully explore some of the elements I liked. Before i can do that though i need to identify what was wrong with the film.

Too Many Characters:

The cast for Hotel Artemis isn’t actually all that big but there are characters in the film that represented as important but end up having little to no consequences on the plot and if you remove them from the film, nothing actually changes. Chief among these characters is Jenny Slate’s character, a police offer admitted to the hotel for a brief moment. it is played up as a huge risk with dire consequences but nothing ever comes of it. They fix her up and send her on her way. To address this issue I would simply remove the whole character of the Police Officer. We can explore The nurse’s past in different ways and this would free up more time to explore some of the consequences of other actions.

Poor Casting:

This film has some real star power but some of it was woefully misused. namely Charlie Day and Jeff Goldblum were not used in the correct ways and instead of trying to change the direction and the character I would simply recast them for the purposes of this fix.

Acapulco – Kim Coates

The character of Acapulco is a downright scumbag. The typical slimeball character who thinks he is better than everybody, and in another situation Charlie Day would have been amazing in this role, but i feel like he brought the wrong energy and you never really feel the disgust for him like you should. However replacing him with Sons of Anarchy actor Kim Coates, would bring the hatred I feel we were supposed to have for Acapulco. As Tig Trager in the early seasons you are disgusted with his actions and attitude despite his light and breezy demeanor, a perfect transition into the role of Acapulco. Sorry Charlie Day.

Wolf King – John Malkovich

Jeff Goldblum is a Hollywood sweetheart that can do no wrong and I have no doubt he can portray the friendly mob boss with an under layer of menace but perhaps he was directed wrong in Hotel Artemis because he felt very one note and his threats felt very insincere, it was like a few levels down from his role as the Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok. Another Hollywood legend i feel could portray this role well and really get across the menace of the character would be John Malkovich. Malkovich could make you feel uneasy from the moment he steps on screen in the role, because that’s what he’s good at, i don’t think i have ever fully trusted a Character of Malkovich’s which is important in this role.

No Consequences:

As i mentioned earlier the police officer subplot brings in a whole story without consequences but it happens all throughout the film. When Waikiki and Honolulu head to the Hotel in the original version, they bring a friend who is desperate to get in for medical attention before being taken outside and abandoned. nothing comes of this and scenes are dedicated to it, it feels like a waste of time.

We also have an element about water being owned by a company and sold to people prompting riots which is a bit of world building that has no bearing on any of the film and simply seemed to be shoehorned in as a bit of heavy handed social commentary.

Another element that feels like a waste of time is the sealing of the doors by Wolf King’s men. It is spotted right away and there is still another exit for them at the end anyway. with all these plot threads picked up and dropped and the main threat arriving two thirds of the way through the movie before promptly being dispatched, it felt like this film needed somebody there to trim the fat.

Ultimately the film is the messy, but with the issues addressed I feel like I could make a better version, or at least write one. So below you will find my plot summary for a revised Hotel Artemis.

The Plot Summary:

Things start relatively calmly, with the Nurse (Jodie Foster) going about her daily business set to music. We get to see the inside of the hotel as she replaces supplies in the rooms, flips cushions, administers some first aid to guests, specifically cleaning an eye wound suffered by Acapulco. Nurse looks down to check her tablet to find a notification of a “late check in” she gets to her feet and starts to walk away. Acapulco shoots her a disdainful look as she heads out of the room towards the entrance, this is our first instance that shows that this isn’t an ordinary hotel. We see the large metal gate in front of the elevator doors as the Nurse awaits with her Gurney.

The elevator doors open and two men spill from inside to the floor below. one of them is riddled with bullets and bleeding heavily the other is trying to carry him to the gate. an x-ray scans the men and they are told to lose their guns which they do before scanning their “membership cards” allowing them to enter the hotel. The Nurse tells the men they are staying in the Honolulu suite, identifying the man riddled with bullets as Honolulu and the man carrying him as Waikiki. Waikiki nods as they rush off towards the suite in order to operate, as they go he explains the situation and how they came to arrive at the Hotel (we ran into some bad guys on a job, we weren’t ready) . The nurse wheels Honolulu into his suite and Waikiki tries to follow before being blocked by the massive orderly, Everest, who explains that no visitors are allowed in the suites while they are operating. Waikiki squares up to Everest before ultimately realizing he is outmatched. He heads off towards the Lounge and is told that the Nurse will be with him shortly.

Inside the Honolulu Suite, Nurse goes about her business in a calm manner despite the blood and beeping of the hospital machines. She sets a 3-D printer to replicate a liver after checking the bullet holes on Honolulu. He starts to scream but Nurse sedates him and he passes out. We see Nurse identify needle marks on Honolulu and it makes her hesitate for a second before continuing with her work.

Outside the suite, Waikiki is wandering the halls of the hotel scanning the doors as he goes. he runs his hand over the word Acapulco before heading the the next suite and stopping as he runs his hand over the word Nice. He waits outside the room thinking back to a point in his past when Acapulco walks past pushing him into the door saying she isn’t in there. Waikiki looks back with confusion and anger as Acapulco takes no notice and heads into the lounge. In the lounge we have a woman, Nice, sitting by the window looking out over the violence on the street. Acapulco comes in and eyes her up before commenting on the situation outside. “it’s a shit show out there, but boy is it good for business” Nice looks over and asks if he is an arms dealer, to which Acapulco answers that he is “the” arms dealer. From here the conversation plays out much like in the original film with Nice and Acapulco arguing with one another, Nice saying he is nothing without his toys, and Acapulco remarking “who said I don’t have my toys?”

Waikiki enters the lounge and decides to break up the fight with Acapulco telling him to mind his own business.

Waikiki and Nice reconnect over a glass of brandy, with their conversation playing out much as it does in the film, talking about how Waikiki wanted to leave his life of crime but Nice has thrived in her work as an assassin. While this happens, Acapulco wanders the halls of the hotel and spots the door to the Niagara suite open, he peeks into see the Wolf King writhing in pain on the bed, at this point some armed guards spot Acapulco and push the door closed locking it, leaving Acapulco curious as to what is going on.

Everest enters the lounge to tell Waikiki he’s allowed in the suite now, Waikiki says a short goodbye to Nice and leaves the room leaving just Everest and Nice in the room together. In the Honolulu suite, we discover that Honolulu is a junkie and the Nurse found out how they wound up in their situation as Waikiki enters and tries to stop his brother from sharing too much. He asks her to keep it quiet, whatever she knows. Nurse nods before stepping aside and bringing Waikiki close. The two then have a more personal conversation about “getting out” and why they were still doing what they were. The Nurse asks what brought Waikiki back and he simply gestures towards his brother before asking what the Nurse is still doing there. As he remembers it she was going to leave with her son. as this point a somber look comes across the Nurse’s face prompting Waikiki to apologize, she says it’s no problem and takes her leave.

At this point Nurse heads over to see the Wolf King and she has her first Interaction with him and they seem to have a mutual respect and fondness for one another. This early introduction will give his character a chance to drop subtle hints as to his sinister nature throughout. Nurse tells the Wolf King’s men to leave the suite so she can work so he waves his men off, prompting them to head out into the lobby. She then speaks with the Wolf King about how she hates breaking her rules. “First the guns, then the guys in your suite.etc.” She then asks how wolf king got into that situation. Wolf King reveals that some idiots broke into his house while he was out and were shocked to see him return home early. As he tells Nurse about the situation and how he ended up there, she starts to make the connection that the men in the Honolulu sweet were the ones that robbed Wolf King. A Deep panic sets in and Nurse excuses herself from the room.

When she gets out of the room she can see the Wolf King’s men hanging over Everest who is passed out on the floor. The Nurse rushes to him right away and starts asking what happened. The men say they found him like that and have been trying to wake him up. Nice is nowhere to be seen. The Nurse tells the men to put Everest on the sofa and she tries to wake him only to see that he has been injected with something. She starts to panic and begins trying to find out what he has been injected with. Hearing the commotion Acapulco and Waikiki both step out of their rooms. Waikiki. seeing the place is flooded with men, quickly ducks back inside his room while Acapulco watches him before heading off to the lounge.

This is where the tension increases more as inside the Honolulu suite Waikiki starts to panic. He tells his brother about what is going on outside the room and how they might get caught if they aren’t careful. Honolulu panics even more as he is in no position to move. The two begin to argue with Waikiki blaming Honolulu for the poor state his life is in. Back in the lounge, Everest begins to come around and warns the people about Nice, Wolf king’s men rush back to his room to see him sat taking a sip of coffee as if nothing has happened. Everest explains that he thinks Nice is after somebody at the hotel but he can’t say who for sure. Nurse tells him to rest up and heads out into the lobby.

In the Lobby Acapulco confronts the nurse as he is worrying for his safety. he questions why he is paying so much money for such a poor service but he is ignored by Nurse as she heads into the Honolulu suite. She immediately bursts into a tirade questioning the stupidity of the two as to how and why they would steal from the Wolf King. She lays it on really thick just to hit home how much of a big deal the Wolf King really is. Waikiki says that they need to leave but the nurse tells them to stay put, Honolulu is in no shape to go anywhere and with the rules in place the hotel is probably the safest place for them. She tells them not to move and heads out of the room.

Outside, Acapulco is waiting for her and asks whats wrong, she refuses to answer at which point he pis her to the wall. He says that he has been trying to get help all night and he is sick of waiting, so either the nurse can answer his questions or see to his wounds before he loses his patience. Before the Nurse can respond Everest is standing behind Acapulco and pulls him away. He suggests the two of them go to the roof to get some air and Acapulco reluctantly agrees. On the roof, Everest hits Acapulco and warns him against laying his hands on the Nurse again. At this point the two men spot Nice standing near the generator. Everest is instantly enraged and charges at the woman and we get our first real fight scene with Nice and Everest fist fighting on the roof. Nice eventually gets the upper hand on Everest and incapacitates him. leaving just her and Acapulco on the roof. Nice proposes a deal asking for Acapulco’s help in exchange for not killing him. He reluctantly agrees and asks what he needs to do.

Back inside Honolulu and Waikiki are talking about how the ended up in the mess. Honolulu apologizes but Waikiki is not having it. He refuses to Forgive his brother and blames him for the everything wrong in his life. Suddenly all the lights go out and the life support systems start frantically beeping. Honolulu starts convulsing in his bed and Waikiki rushes up to his bed and tries to help him, he starts presses the nurses button and shouting for help

Elsewhere in the hotel the same situation is occurring in the Wolf King’s suite. The Nurse is present and doing her best to help the Wolf King dosing him with pain killers while she works. She sends the men outside to look into why everything is going wrong and they oblige fanning out into the lobby to look around. Whilst high on pain killers the Wolf King remarks how he was sorry to hear about the Nurses on. Confused, she presses the issue and the conversation in which Wolf King reveals he is responsible for the death of her son. It plays out in a similar way to the original version of the film and with little clues throughout instead of the heavy handedness of the original it will come off as a genuine shock. At this point we are about half way through the film when everything hits the fan so to speak. The nurse backs off and allows the Wolf King to die.

Now upto this point, my version of events isn’t drastically different from the original film however i have cut the police officer subplot which means having to find further use for Everest and a way to look into the Nurse’s son. However now is where the film really changes. Just a sin the actual film the remainder is spent with Waikiki and the Nurse trying to escape while avoiding the Wolf King’s men, but back to the Nurse and the Wolf King.

WK has just died and the Nurse freezes realizing what is just outside the door. She dreads Wolf King’s men returning but has no way out. Back in the Honolulu suite Waikiki is sat on the floor covered in his brother’s blood. He is of course sad but there seems to be something of relief about him. As he sits in silence the door to his suite opens and he looks up to see Acapulco. Acapulco reveals that he has managed to 3D print himself a couple of guns using the device in his room and he is now pointing said gun at Waikiki. He mentions how Waikiki had been pissing him off all night and when he had killed him he was going to kill Nice.

This is where we get our first fight involving Waikiki and he easily overpowers Acapulco quickly disarming him and grabbing the gun for himself shooting the man. from here Waikiki spots Nice in the doorway and asks what that was all about, she says he mentioned his toys and she needed them. He pulls her into the room closing the door and begins to grill her about why she needed the guns. Nice reveals that she purposely injured herself to gain entry tot he hotel so she could get close to the wolf king. Something she wouldn’t have had to do if Waikiki and his brother weren’t idiots and tried to rob his house.The two reluctantly agree to band together as Waikiki needs to escape. Nice says she will help him after she has dealt with Wolf King and the two of them set out towards his suite.

From here we get some interested gun-play scenes involving Nice and Waikiki showing that they have a history together and building on the relationship teased throughout the film. The work their way through the hotel towards the Wolf King’s suite with relative ease and knock on the door. The Nurse answers saying she is busy. Waikiki tries to reason with Nurse but Nice has no patience and shoots the lock stepping into the room. Waikiki immediately spots what has happened and places himself in between the Nurse and Nice.

Nice is enraged at the Nurse for killing the Wolf King and attempts to train her gun on her, Waikiki refuses to move however guiding himself toward the door with the Nurse behind his back. Waikiki and Nice talk about how she doesn’t need to kill nurse. Nice starts to cry saying that Wolf King was her way out and that the nurse had taken that from her. she shoots Waikiki in the leg as warning telling him to move but he refuses and struggles back to his feet. Before Nice has a chance to shoot again Waikiki fires at her arm causing her to drop the gun when suddenly Everest arrives again and smashes her into the wall. He yells at Waikiki and the Nurse to run.

Everest and Nice have yet another fight but this time Everest gets the upper hand and start rag dolling her before killing her in a brutal fashion. before succumbing to his injuries and collapsing nearby. Hearing the commotion some of WK’s remaining men head over and find that WK s dead they then hear a door open and give chase to the sound.

the Nurse and Waikiki are struggling down the stairs when a number of thugs begin to give chase. Waikiki tries to shoot back but in his injured state is unable to hit anybody. they head through a doorway and barricade the door before trying to get away. Waikiki sits up against the wall and instructs the nurse to make a make shift bomb with some nearby supplies before heading off again. the ,men burst through the door a fire a shot form their guns causing a gas explosion. Waikiki is then sat up against a wall as the nurse tries to open the old door. from here the finale plays out the same as in the actually movie. a drawn out fight with Waikiki and a thug that leads to the nurse saving him and them stepping out into the streets of LA where they are met with the violence and rioting, despite this the tone of the film shifts to a relaxed and burden free one as the two make their way into the distance. The End.

Now even my fix doesn’t convey all i want it to but it addresses some of my major concerns which were the jumping plot threads. i changed some character motivations and removed some all together to keep things a little tighter a claustrophobic. Hopefully it’s better than the original but i suppose that’s up for you guys to decided, sorry it;s taken me so long to get another post out but rest assured there is lots more on the way.