I took a picture of you. I hope you don’t mind :)

I sat next to you and briefly joined your friend group on the L train two days ago around 5:30 p.m. You were wearing tights and over-the-knee boots. Your friend Sarah (I could tell it was spelled with an “h”) was standing by the door talking mad shit about Jessie, the president of the board you’re all on. Even though I turned off my music so I could listen to your conversation, I still don’t know what exactly the board is. Though I initially assumed it was a plank of wood, it eventually became apparent it was some sort of committee. Regardless, I totally agree Jessie should not only be impeached, but kicked off this board altogether.

There were two other girls who mostly just listened but clearly also hated Jessie, and so do I because she honestly sounds like such a bitch. There was one guy with you and, no offense or anything, but he was my favorite. Right before you all got off the train, he said, “Wait — who was president before Obama?” And the rest of you said, “Bush,” and I thought, “Wow, these teens are so young and I’m so old haha AHHHHH!” Then he said, “I’m going to be the Barack to her Bush” and I loved it so much that I forgave you all for being so Young.

Your group got off at the Lorimer stop and walked a little bit ahead of me, which hurt my feelings, but I was close enough to hear the guy confirm that you’re all actually 20 years old, which also hurt my feelings. I thought, “Holy shit, these Young teens aren’t even teens anymore haha and I’M SO OLD maybe I should just jump onto the tracks and end it all!” But I didn’t because I wanted to keep hanging out with my new friends (you and your friends).

I followed you toward the G, but then you guys went to the southbound side even though I was heading north and I was honestly surprised because I felt like I was part of the group at that point. I thought there was a possibility you might even let me join the board, whatever it is, or at least talk shit about Jessie, who frankly sounds like such a bitch.

Anyway, I’ve spent the past few days thinking about all of you and I’d love to meet up so I can tell Sarah in person how proud I am of her for standing up to that bitch Jessie. I would also love all of you to suck my cock. I don’t have one, but we can figure it out together.

Tell me what book I was pretending to read while I listened in on your conversation.