Middle-aged don’t give a shit

Having realised that everything is shit and unlikely to improve, four-fifths of middle-aged adults have decided to fuck it all off.

According to experts, eighty-three percent of 40 to 60 year-olds would much rather sit in a chair and shovel copious amounts of booze and lard into their faces than run around like annoying pricks who pretend to enjoy life.

“I wasn’t always like this, I had high hopes 20 years ago,” said 42-year-old Simon Williams.

“Unfortunately I didn’t go to the right school, I’m not related to the right people, and I didn’t kiss enough arses along the way.

“So the way I see it, I could spend the next thirty years doing a job I hate, or I could spend the next twenty trying to blank it out with whatever brief moments of pleasure I can extract from this pitiful existence.”

Despite accusations of promoting witchcraft and heresy, experts warn that unless the middle-aged replace cynicism, bitterness and resentment with salad, exercise and smugness they risk developing severe health problems in later life.

“We are living longer but are in poorer health,” revealed one expert in this sort of thing.

“The future cost of looking after today’s middle-aged will place a huge financial burden on our future generations.

“The people claiming to be happy today will be forced into looking after the people who say everything is shit – and that’s just not sustainable.”

“So, unless something is done in the very near future, the age at which people become bitter and stop giving a shit will reduce dramatically.”