Seems like people (including myself) were taken aback last week when Forbes wrote an article on how Kylie Jenner is on pace to be the fastest billionaire in the history of the universe. There were debates on whether she was “self-made” or not… Consensus was that if it wasn’t for the resulting fame from her big sister’s promiscuity she wouldn’t have the platform to hawk her wares. That being said, most agreed that she does have a knack for knowing the market and seems to work hard on her cosmetic line and also on her cosmetic surgery.

Earnings, earnings, earnings… Or lack thereof. EBAY down 7% and a couple financial names: FITB, BBT, and BK all ~5% lower as the majority of releases missed this morning. MSFT probably biggest name reporting post-close.

I wound up reading Forbes’ list of highest-paid celebrities today, and found something even more surprising than Kylie’s success.

Please read this, and you tell me who really stands out:

Floyd Mayweather ($285 mil in pretax annual earnings), captures the top spot on Forbes’ 20th annual Celebrity 100 ranking of the world’s highest-paid celebrities (p. 106 in Forbes’ August 31, 2018 magazine issue). The boxer’s August 2017 fight versus Conor McGregor generated more than $550 million in revenue, with Money Mayweather earning $275 million, securing him the No. 1 spot for the second year since 2015. George Clooney ($239 mil) is in the No. 2 spot after British liquor giant Diageo purchased Casamigos, the tequila company Clooney cofounded, giving him the best annual take-home of his—or any actor’s—career. Kylie Jenner ($166.5 mil) returns to the list at No. 3, a significant jump from the 2017 newcomer’s spot at No. 59, followed by Judge Judy Sheindlin ($147 mil) at No. 4. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, earning $124 million, rounds out the top five.

I knew about Mayweather, and I knew the tequila sale was a windfall for Clooney because I remembered saying, “Fucking rich getting richer.” when I saw that headline hit. Kylie Jenner doesn’t make a lot of sense to me personally, but, okay.

But Judge Judy made $147,000,000 last year? She made more than The fucking Rock, Howard Stern, Ellen, Oprah, Ronaldo, Steph Curry or U2?

I mean, I am happy for the 75 year old, but you coulda stuck an apple in my mouth when I heard that stat. I have never watched a second of her show, but apparently she kills it pretending to be a judge… I just cant figure this world out anymore.

Bravo, you old rich bitch.

Here’s the full list, if you care…

The Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest-Paid Entertainers 2018

Here’s a guy who wasn’t on that list. Cancer survivor who had his nipples and penis removed because they spoiled the view of his tattoos. He lives in Russia, but had to go to Mexico in order to find a doctor crazy enough to perform the operation… I say, “Build the fucking wall!”, but build it to keep crazy Russians out of Mexico trying to get their cocks cut off.

Again, I have spent 46 long years spinning around this mortal coil, and I am not even close to figuring our world out.

I have some terrible news… Security guard in our building quit yesterday. Apparently, he was taking one of his many smoke breaks, and when the building manager told him to come back inside, he said, “Fuck you. I quit.” Then he finished the cigarette, grabbed his things, and left. His name was Reuben, and I have written about him before as having more “big dick energy” and “perfect nipple confidence” than anyone in this building. I am sad to see him go, but I am thrilled on how he left.

RIP, my friend… You may not be dead, but you are dead to me.

I cant find a picture of Reuben, so here’s a picture of a reuben…

Circle of life… Old-ass Reuben is gone on the same day I took the young-ass interns out for a drink. I have never worked for a firm where I didn’t take the interns out for drinks, and this group of “kids” (they are all 21 or over) seem like a good lot.

I pushed out a Homestretch yesterday around 2, then I grabbed the 7 of them and we ran over to Rocco’s on Madison. I had never been there, but it had an old school Italian steakhouse feel, and I really don’t enjoy most of the places in this neighborhood which seem to specialize in craft cocktails that nobody really likes.

My one small gripe about the interns was that as soon as we got outside the office, they all started to vape… Which just seems sneaky to me. Cigarettes are out front and visible, but kids nowadays tuck their vape pens into their fists, so it looks like they are talking into those 2 way radios the Secret Service uses. It’s a small gripe, but a gripe nonetheless.

Tell you what I did admire. The fact that these 7 cocksuckers had zero issue leaving the office at 2 to get kind of fucked up. Maybe they weren’t expecting it to be boozy, or maybe they think I actually have some power within this company, but either way, they were downstairs and raring to go in a moment’s notice.

None of these kids have ever had a martini, so I decided to order for us all. Sat at the bar and we each had 2 vodka martinis, two beers, I had a glass of red, and they all had a shot of that disgusting tequila that tastes like coffee.

I ordered a medium-rare sliced-up porterhouse for the bar so we would have something to pick on, but the bartender decided to run an audible. This guy totally ignored my order and decided to instead whack up 4 steak sandos. So we each had a half of a ribeye sandwich, a handful of fries, and a couple of onion rings… I don’t like when waiters or bartenders make decisions for me, but this wound up being perfect. Never made it past the bar, but now that I am in the neighborhood, I am going to give Rocco’s another shot. Service was excellent.

Here’s last night posse… Some goofy motherfuckers indeed.

We were there for a couple hours, and not sure what we spoke about because none of the interns were overly interesting. I do remember saying this to them…

“Since these are officially your first martinis, if any of you assholes grow up and become the type of guy that drinks too many martinis and maybe beats up on your wife and/or kids… Well, at least you have nobody to thank/blame but me.”

Got back the office around 4’ish, and you could see they all dreaded going back upstairs, so being their mentor, I bid them all “Farewell”, left them for dead, and walked over to grab the train home.

See you tomorrow, boys.

Take a report.

-Large

Programming notes- I am on this week’s edition of Podfathers, a podcast with Chaps and Clem… It dropped earlier today, and features me speaking on the worst microphone they could find.

I am scheduled to co-host Barstool Breakfast Radio again next week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, 7-9AM. If you get the Sirius app, I sing a karaoke version of “Fuck Her Gently” by Tenacious D at the end of this Tuesday’s show.