Thank You

Yang (Fireballin17)

to Blakey | 12:18 PM (14 minutes ago)

I woke up in a clinic this morning. I mean, I guess you knew that since that's what you recommended and everything. My head is killing me, I'm still shaking and I feel like death, but I didn't wake up in a gutter somewhere, so I count that as a positive thing.

Apparently we talked last night. For, like, a while. I'm sorry, it's pretty crappy of me, but I don't remember most of it. I remember a lot of crying ,and a lot of me apologizing, but beyond that it's kind of hazy. So, forgive me if I repeat anything I said last night, but there are some things I need to get off my chest in a way I can remember, so here it goes:

For years, I've felt burdened. Ever since Summer passed away, I've felt like it was on me to take care of the family. I had to be the one to look after Ruby when dad couldn't. I had to be the one to take care of the household, to pack the lunches for school, to make sure the homework got done, all the things that a mom is supposed to take care of. I couldn't afford to let myself break down, not when I had to be a surrogate parent holding together a broken family.

And you were there, for all of it. You were beside me every step of the way. You were more than my friend. You were more than my girlfriend. You just...were. You were Blake, my Blake. I needed you like I needed air to breathe.

When we went to college, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. Ruby was old enough to take care of herself, I could finally be on my own, not have to worry about holding a household together. Free to let us be whatever we were going to be. But I didn't realize how much my old life still affected me. I still had to be the caretaker, I had to be the one to look after you. I was pushy, and narcissistic and so terrified of showing weakness that I didn't just tell you how I felt when it would have mattered. I didn't ask you to move in with me, I just resented you for not offering. I didn't ask you to leave with me, I just left and hoped you would follow. I couldn't admit how much I needed you because I couldn't let you see me break down. I couldn't let go of the facade.

It almost destroyed me. And when that happened, you were there. Simple as that. I've been such an idiot for trying to keep up this front, for not just being honest with you. Just knowing you were there for me yesterday...Blake, I can't ever tell you how much it meant to me. Thank you. It doesn't feel like enough, but it's all I've got. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I didn't let you in sooner.

It kind of makes what I'm about to tell you even harder, but I'm done lying to you, so here it goes.

Obviously I'm not done detoxing, and also obviously I can't stay in a hospital the whole time I do. And I can't exactly be on the road while I'm dealing with this. It's going to get worse before it gets better. The doctors asked if there was somebody I could call to come get me. I thought about dad first, I really did, but taking off work is hard enough when you don't have to worry about getting a substitute teacher or writing lesson plans, not to mention the cost of the plane ticket to fly out here.

So I called Raven.

I told her what was going on. She agreed to come get me, to let me stay while I get sober. She wasn't thrilled about it, and I get the feeling this is a one time kind of deal, but she agreed at least, and that's something. She's on her way to get me now, apparently she's dragging somebody else up to drive my station wagon back too.

After everything that's happened, everything you've done for me, going back to Chicago is the last thing I want to do. To say I don't deserve you is kind of the understatement of the century, and if you're pissed at me for doing it, or for calling Raven, I understand. But I want you to know that this doesn't change my plans. I'm still coming home, and if you'll have me, I still want to be with you. I'm just… taking the long road I guess.

I love you, with all of my heart. I promise you, when I get there, I'll be the woman you deserve. No more fronts, no more facades. This time, we're going to get it right. I'm going to get it right.

P. S. Please don't tell dad about all this (if you haven't already). I want to call him and tell him myself. He should hear it from me.

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Sent from: Ottawa Illinois

A/N: Hey guys, it's Fawkes. As you may have noticed, this chapter is quite a bit later than intended. I deeply apologize for that, I've had some stuff I've been dealing with that made writing a little tough for me. I'm going to try really hard to make this the last delay though between now and the end of the story. Thanks everyone for your support and for reading the story, and a big thanks to Elfen who tirelessly puts up with me. I hope you liked the chapter.