We have all been there, light cracking through the blinds, a pain dancing around your skull and a throat screaming like you just swallowed a teaspoon of cinnamon. The night before slowly comes back into focus, minus the large swathes of empty time where you corrupted your memory. You had been out for 8 hours, but only the first two and last thirty are available to your recall. Alcohol led you on a merry dance to this place called hangover.

The beauty of a hangover though is it forces you to realign your principles. For that moment you are clear on what needs to change. Before you have even lifted your legs out of the bed you are a reformed character. The mistakes of the past will not be repeated, grand statements are prepared, your excuses refined and your bank balance forgotten. Despite feeling like death, you are a new man. In football terms it means you have arrived at Stoke City.

The Potters used to be the club that partied with the devil in hell, one that got high off the hate, it loved the disdain, it smeared the criticism across a mirror, pushed an Aldi rewards card at it, before inhaling it deep and having the time of its life. The hate was a drug, but like most artificial highs, it eventually lost its edge. They needed more and in fairness to them they realised this before they ended up stealing DVDs from their gran and selling their Mum’s jewellery.

Stoke loved the disdain, it smeared the criticism across a mirror, pushed an Aldi rewards card at it, before inhaling it deep and having the time of its life

However the path from hell up the side of the mountain to heaven is a difficult one. The footballing utopia have put barriers in place to ensure that the view from the top is very rarely spoiled. There are trials to overcome, levels that need ascending, one does not simply stroll into heaven, Stoke have been put into purgatory, a place where they have to undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven. They are in a state of constant hangover, however the benefits are they know their mistakes and they understand how to fix them.

Taking up residence in a place such as purgatory, a place where you need consider the wrongs of your life isn’t a bad thing, you are very close to football heaven, but it is fraught with its own issues. The longer you spend there the more fondly you remember dropping Jägerbombs with hells elite and being dry humped by Marilyn Monroe, whilst heaven starts to look nothing more than a rubbish vanilla football fan TV studio. You also have to endure the temptation that the new members of purgatory bring.

God, or in football terms the trinity of Bayern, Barca and Milan/Inter have cast off their sinners into the wilderness and they have arrived at Stoke, talented yet tainted

The players arriving at Stoke over the last couple of years have been Football Manger legend after Football Manager legend. Players who were deemed to have the world at their feet, but missed the boat. A lack of application, drive or just common sense have hindered their path. God, or in football terms the trinity of Bayern, Barca and Milan/Inter have cast off their sinners into the wilderness and they have arrived at Stoke, talented yet tainted. Each one is temptation, each one has the possibility of bringing the world around Stoke crashing down.

Bojan and Marko Arnautović for example are pin up boys of talented youths who have wasted their opportunities at bigger clubs. The Spaniard was once spoken about with reverence, he was the new wonder of the world, even breaking Messi’s record of youngest player to feature in the Barca XI, yet in the space of one transfer to Roma, his buyout clause dropped from circa £20m to a fee of £1.8m which Stoke paid. Somewhere between Rome, Milan, Barcelona and Amsterdam something went catastrophically wrong.

The Austrian Arnautović, perhaps not on the same level as Bojan, is another whose career did not take the expected trajectory. Inter were supposed to make his loan a permanent deal, but something happened, something that pushed Jose Mourinho to declare: “He (Marko)is a fantastic person but he has the attitude of a child.” For Inter to not take a punt on you, something must have gone drastically wrong.

When it was released he was having issues with man of the people and social expert Roberto Mancini at Inter, Shaqiri arriving at Stoke was a given, it made sense

To their credit and that of their current manager Mark Hughes, they have straightened up and delivered some great performances, therefore the arrival of a spirit such as former up-and-coming star Xherdan Shaqiri at the Potters wasn’t as big a surprise as many media outlets claim. In fact when it was released he was having issues with man of the people and social expert Roberto Mancini at Inter, Shaqiri arriving at Stoke was a given, it made sense.

Another talented ostracised individual slotting in at the ostracised club is a perfect narrative, the fact that his debut will be against Spurs has a vast majority of our fans expecting the typical Spurs finale to the story.

However collecting more than one or two of these individuals offers its own risks, in chasing a footballing utopia, Stoke risk breaking the foundations that enabled them to attract these players.

Strapping Ferrari accessory after accessory to a Leyland Daf van does not make it a Ferrari, by chasing something unobtainable and putting their trust in players known for a lack of mental fortitude and desire is a risk. Every promise I make myself when spinning with nausea in my bed is broken a week later, Stoke need to be careful they do not fall victim to something similar.

Purgatory is positioned precariously between hell and heaven, both are just one move away. Be careful Stoke, sometimes sitting still is moving forward.