GERMAN chancellor Angela Merkel has confirmed the EU would do anything to get its hands on Northern Ireland, the country everybody wants.

Merkel has admitted the only reason Britain was conned into joining the Common Market in the first place was to steal Northern Ireland away from it, and that their long game is finally paying off.

She continued: “Soon, the crown jewel of Europe, with its rugged, rain-lashed coastline, tiny population and disused shipyards, will belong to us.

“Not that competition’s limited to one continent. China has long had their eye on this 5,460 square mile beauty. America would make it a state in a moment. Qatar’s offered £180 billon for it, cash.

“But by setting up a bogus ‘peace process’ to end its long history of sectarian violence, another massive plus about the place, we’re in the perfect position for this plum to fall right into our laps.

“We’re not hoping to discover great mineral wealth there. We don’t need it for strategic reasons. We just want a piece of this paradise on earth.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said: “It really is heaven here. Apart from all the Catholics.”