A little housecleaning before we get started. News broke last week that former ‘ette Andi has a new man in her life. Back when we found out she had been dumped by Josh, I made this post and joked that she could get with creepy Nick (the runner up from her season):

http://thefantasysuite.tumblr.com/post/107916903155/housecleaning



Since I am essentially a savant of all things Bachelor franchise related, it has come out that Andi is in fact dating/hanging out with the same guy that on air told everyone how she fucked him and peaced him out. I spotted them out in the wild:

Is anyone else surprised that we don’t see this more? When Jason was the bachelor he pioneered this move by breaking up with Melissa and getting back with Molly. Maybe this is a thing. Maybe past bachelors and 'ettes can still try this. I know Ben would like another shot after picking that dumb cunt Courtney. Just sort of keep 2nd and even 3rd place in your pocket and call them up when things go south with the winner. Most would be thrilled to help you patch your life back together. Until further notice this technique will be called the “Bach Patch”.

So. Women tell all. I always get so excited for this episode and am usually let down. I’m looking for some Jerry Spring type fights and instead I get people talking about their feelings and shit. I will say that even though there were no paternity results revealed, it was still an entertaining show. Harrison starts off by showing a little montage of him and bachelor Chris breaking into viewing parties around LA. I wish Chris would make a surprise appearance during my viewing party. Even though it would just be some lonely looking guy sitting there watching the episode off the DVR and eating ice cream I think we would have fun. We’d prob have a few beers and he would spill all of the bachelor secrets. Invite me out to LA to watch some of next seasons filming. Let me co-host. I digress. He then talks about the season multiple times using his ever evolving catch phrase “This was the (insert over the top adjective) season of the bachelor we’ve ever had”. Every season is the craziest, most dramatic, heart wrenching season. Then he’ll follow it up with a “seriously”. I think you need some new writers Chris.

Britt is first up in the “hot seat”. We are shown several clips from the show of Carly bad mouthing Britt as Britt sits there and cries as if her 'ette future depended on it. Lots of back and forth before Britt returns to the rest of the girls. I wanted to bring up the audience participants for just a second. While you are typically meaningless, useless, and outright replaceable by mannequins and fake crowd noise you do have an important role tonight. You are there to gauge the interest in the next possible 'ette. You are the voice of those watching from the distance. This is obviously a double edged sword because you cheered your little hearts out for Juan Pablo during the men tell all and look how that turned out. I did pick up on the fact that there was some snickering whenever Carly talked and therefore was eliminated from the pool of potentials. You also seemed rather sympathetic towards Britt as she made you feel sorry for her. We’ll see how this plays out.

Only someone with Satan like qualities would be able to withstand just how hot the seat is for our next contestant. Kelsey, why don’t you have a seat over here. Clips from the show of her are shown and she cries while trying to explain herself. She has a real awkward exchange with Chris Harrison in which he offers her a handkerchief to blow her nose and she somehow makes it weird and people hate her even more. The girls go on the offensive calling her fake and the like. At one point Harrison asks Kelsey if she has anything she’d like to ask the girls. I was really hoping she would have asked why they use smaller words and aren’t as articulate as her. Throughout this, and even Britt’s time, Jillian is oddly supportive of both girls. At one point I thought she was going to go Killian on Carly.

There was a big time fight this weekend that only lasted 14 seconds. Apparently the girl that won just beats ass and handles pretty much anyone that she encounters. Luckily she wasn’t on the bachelor fighting for Chris because Jillian would give her a run for her money:

Next up is my favorite contestant, Ashley S. We see clips of the show featuring Ashley doing Ashley things while everyone has a good chuckle. I hope that footage is archived somewhere so that future generations can look back and marvel at how people like her existed. Thankfully we haven’t reached that point in natural selection and Ashley gets to try and explain why she was hunting for Mesa Verde with a paintball gun. The answer is somehow more ridiculous than the question. I feel like Ashley one day woke up and had no idea who she was, where she came from, didn’t know her name, didn’t know her purpose in life and was extremely good at one thing. If this sounds like the intriguing premise to a trilogy of movies, you would be right. The only difference is that instead of being a trained killer with the ability to survive in any environment, her goal is to weird everyone out and make us question everything about life:

Harrison assures us she isn’t a paid actress *wink wink and invites her to be on bachelor in paradise. She skates around the question (prob has to check with her mental facility first) but I know we’ll see her this summer. I can’t wait.

We finally get to bachelor Chris. The recently eliminated girls ask him why they were let go. The standard answer usually has something to do with just not having the same feelings as you do for the other two. Chris goes a little off script and makes it sound like he relied on a coin flip on who to choose. He also admitted to mistakes by having Katilyn suffer through a rose ceremony at the final 3 and not telling Jade it was super fucking awkward when they looked at her nudes when it was obvious that it was super fucking awkward. Nothing else of note other than Harrison making fun of Chris’ dolphin laugh. Little pissed I didn’t think of that first. But those are the type of things we could talk about when he inevitably shows up to crash my bachelor finale viewing, party of one.

All in all a pretty good women tell all. I mean they didn’t even have time to talk to the girl that wouldn’t shut up about believing in aliens on the show. That should be an indication on how strong it was. Harrison used the last min or two to promote his book. I thought you were better than that Chris. Finale week next week. You’ll be safe if you skip the first hour and a half.

See you next week

- Nick