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The Helpers Who Don’t Help.

Remember when you were in your third trimester and all your close friends and family members started talking about how they were going to come and help you as soon as the baby was born? Well, what they didn’t tell you is that by “helping,” they meant that they wanted to come over and fawn over the baby while you drag your tired ass around the house doing the chores you thought they meant they were going to do. Isn’t that helpful? Now you don’t have to worry about spending time with your precious newborn while she’s in a good mood. They’ll do that for you! Don’t worry. They’ll give her back when she starts to cry.

The Visitors Who Think They’re On Vacation.

These are the evil step-sisters of The Helpers Who Don’t Help. They live far away, can’t wait to see the baby, and they’re going to stay with you and “help” around the clock. But they also expect you to feed them at a time when you can barely feed yourself. They cant understand why you’re asking them to do your laundry while they’re on vacation. And do you have any suggestions for things they can do at night so that they can come stomping back into your house at 2 a.m, just as you’ve finally gotten your little one to sleep?

The Friends Who Show Up Late.

“We’re going to come by at 12 and bring lunch,” they’ll say the night before. “That sounds great,” you’ll say. “We’ve got no food left in the house and eating’s my favorite.” At 11 a.m., the kid will fall asleep and you’ll think, “No, I shouldn’t nap. People will be here soon.” And then, for every minute the clock ticks past noon, you’ll start counting the time you could have spent sleeping and your anger will grow. By 1 p.m., the combination of hunger and sleep deprivation will have thrown you into a Hulk-sized rage. “YOU STOLE MY NAP, NOW WHERE ARE MY DAMN SANDWICHES?”

The Person Who Brought Cake.

At first, you won’t hate this person. Breast feeding has made you hungry and the extra calories you’re burning entitle you to a little treat. Then, at 3 a.m., after having slept five hours in the last two days, you will find yourself standing in the kitchen, eating 3/4 of a coffee cake out of the container with one hand while you try to rock your screaming newborn with the other. Regret sets in immediately. You will never fit into your jeans again. What kind of a jerk would tempt you like that?

The Inventor of WebMD.

This is another thing you’ll think you like until it drives you crazy. When you first get home from the hospital, everything is weird. You’re bloody, swollen and sore. Everything the baby does is strange and new. They breathe weird and get all kinds of rashes that are totally normal. However, when you’re up at 4 a.m., Googling things in your smart phone, everything seems worse than it is. “How did I get pre-eclampsia after giving birth?” you’ll think. “My baby has both Asthma and Impetigo!” Odds are everything is fine and you just need to put down the phone.

The Inconsiderate Sick People.

They show up at your door with runny noses and hacking coughs. “I was sick last week. I’m not contagious,” they’ll say. Others will blame it on allergies. Before you can say, “Please wash your hands,” they’ve started pawing at your poor defenseless newborn. When your guest sneezes, you can actually see the germs spew from her mouth, onto her hand and get smeared across the child’s face, as if you had one of those CSI black-lights. Worrying about a sick baby is the worst. Dealing with a cranky newborn while you’re sick is a fairly close second.

The Mother Who Thinks You Do Everything Wrong.

It could be your mother, an aunt, a friend. It doesn’t matter. They did things differently…CORRECTLY. Why don’t you do it that way? “WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?”

The Husband Who Sleeps Soundly.

During those early weeks, most mothers will wake up if their kid so much as breathes differently. Some fathers, on the other hand, will sleep soundly, even if their newborn is screaming her head off three inches from his face. There may be nothing he could do anyway – particularly if she’s hungry and you’re breast feeding. But you’ll still hate him a little bit, especially if he complains about being tired the next day. (From what? You’ll never know).

The Pregnant You Who Did Not Do Enough Kegels.

One of the main focuses of your pre-natal exercise classes was Kegels. You feel pretty good about yourself because you took that class twice a week. You almost never remembered to do them at home, but you’re sure it’ll be fine. Then, you pee yourself for the first time after giving birth…and then the second time. Things are not fine.

The UPS Man Who Keeps Ringing The Doorbell.

If you happen to give birth just before the holiday season, this will pertain to you more than others. The ringing of the doorbell might not always wake your little one but it will always come at the worst time. Did you finally get a chance to sit on the toilet in peace? Ding-Dong! Did you just get into the first shower you’ve had in days? Ding Dong! Did you just whip your boob out in order to start breastfeeding baby? Ding-Dong! “JUST LEAVE THE DAMN PACKAGE AND GO!”