ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

“It’s not fair,” he said quietly.

“Why is the French government allowed to do that? Why can we be allowed to shoot, gas, bash and imprison people saying mean things about our government?”

Peter Dutton reluctantly took time out of his busy afternoon of reading our encrypted WhatsApp group messages to speak to The Advocate – where he revealed a ‘deep jealously’ for how the French handle civil unrest.

The forlorn Scorpio said the students who wagged school to protest need a reality check.

“You learn a lot about yourself aby been repeatedly bludgeoned into unconsciousness by a masked policeman on a public street,” he said via telephone this afternoon.

“Or being shot in the forehead with a rubber bullet? It’s like when you toe punt a basketball in a good new pair of Ariats. It puts an egg in it, which is the same thing that’d happen to your brain as I imagine,”

“I imagine about those types of things all the time. To drive a tank through a crowd of student protestors. To have Bill Shorten and his entire gang of self-interested socialists placed under house arrest. That is my cup of democracy.”

Dutton then excused himself as he’d just come across an encrypted video of some league prop pissing on his own face during a Mad Monday celebration.

“He needs to be charged with public urination. I must go now.”

More to come.