“Disorder” is the opening track of Joy Division’s debut album Unknown Pleasures. The group formed in 1976 backed by guitarist Bernard Sumner, bassist Peter Hook, drummer Stephen Morris, and—most notably—singer Ian Curtis. Although there are various interpretations for the band’s hit song “Disorder”, many have theorized that it may actually be about Curtis’s epilepsy. Throughout his career, Curtis tragically suffered from personal problems ranging from divorce to depression to epileptic seizures. As the band grew, Curtis—who was known for his depressive and alienative songwriting—suffered from epilepsy that increasingly made it difficult for him to perform since he often experienced severe seizures on stage. Although the band debuted their album in 1979, Curtis committed suicide on the eve of their first American tour in 1980 at age 23—a few months before the release of their second album.

The song “Disorder” has deliberately vague lyrics, yet the common opinion is that the song is about Ian’s mental depression. Lyrics such as “Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?” heavily suggest themes of emotional derealization and detachment from reality. Popular symptoms of depression coincide with Ian’s portrayal of “emotional numbing” or dissociation. However, there’s also a less accepted theory that the song is actually about the singer’s epilepsy disorder (hence the track name). The entire track can be seen as a narration to one of the many seizures that Ian experiences.

I’ve been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,

Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?

These sensations barely interest me for another day,

I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.

From the start, Ian proposes his dissociation from society as one of the main themes of the song. He says he’s been waiting to “feel the pleasures of a normal man”, suggesting that he craves what it’s like to be “normal” and not have to suffer frequent epileptic breakdowns. He also confesses that he can’t do this alone and that he needs a “guide” to help him experience being sane—whether this is referring to a friend or his ex-wife or even God is unclear. What is clear, however, is that Ian suffers from dissociation, and—in many cases—dissociation has been seen to occur as a coping mechanism in order to minimize stress or tolerate psychological disorders—both which conform to Ian’s situation. The last lines of this first verse portray the feeling that Ian experiences at the start of an epileptic seizure as he starts losing “the feeling”.

It’s getting faster, moving faster now, it’s getting out of hand,

On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it’s a no man’s land,

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,

I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.

This is the moment that Ian is starting to lose control and the epilepsy takes over. One of the main arguments towards the epileptic theory of this song is the imagery of “lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now”, which is illustrating a disarray of perceptions that accompanies severe episodes. Epilepsy is strongly associated with flashing lights, which is known as the main trigger; the disorder starts and begins “getting out of hand”. “It’s a no man’s land” and the clutter of lyrics prior does well to convey the disorientated state that Ian is in during the incident.

What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again,

I’m watching you, I’m watching her, I’ll take no pity from you friends,

Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now,

This verse pertains to his derailment of thoughts through the seizure. He “sees” those around him observing him and feels their pity; witnesses to epileptic seizures are often forced to restrain from helping and are simply left to watch as it passes. Curtis, however, doesn’t care what the observers think (“who gives a damn right now”) as he’s been through so many traumatic episodes that he just feels—in a sense—indifferent to caring anymore.

Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,

Throughout the song, the “spirit” is a common motif that is mentioned repeatedly. We can assume that the “spirit” he’s referring to is epilepsy as it’s “taking hold”. In these following lines he’s referring that until we—as listeners—experience epilepsy and the depressing disorders that can be associated with it, we won’t “know” the extent of “the feeling” he refers to.

I’ve got the spirit, but lose the feeling,

I’ve got the spirit, but lose the feeling,

Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling.

These lines in the outro can be figuratively to mean “being normal”. Ian could also be saying that being normal also losing one’s individuality—”the feeling”—so thus by losing the feelings that his epilepsy causes, he can finally live a normal life. There are also various theories that try to define “the spirit” literally as an alcoholic beverage, therefore associating this song with the underlying threatening disorder of alcoholism. Another debatable theory of this song is that it’s about homosexuality and how some may shamelessly feel that it’s a “disorder” instead of proudly accepting it as a part of themselves. No matter what the intended meaning, however, it’s rare for a song with deliberately vague lyrics to create such emotionally potent images which can be interpreted in any way. “Disorder” is the work that pulls this off perfectly, as Ian portrays his feelings of being maniacally trapped within his own chaotic disorder.

Now, on a more sensitive topic, I’d like to explore discussion on a school of thought that has peaked my interest in the past few days: stoicism. Although the popular idea of stoicism rests in the philosophy of virtue and indifference to either pain or pleasures, the stoic viewpoint on suicide is one that attracts a bit more controversy among both modern stoics and philosophers throughout history. From texts of Seneca and Epictetus, I’ve learned that the stoic position on suicide is that it was viewed by stoics as a freedom fulfilled with dignity and strength rather than an escape fueled by fear and weakness. The stoics viewed suicide as the truest freedom a person could have. As long as “the door is open” (Discourses of Epictetus), we’re able to better live a virtuous life knowing that the possibility of an “exit” gave us ultimate authority over our existence and the Nature around us. From his text:

“Has someone made smoke in the house? If it is moderate, I’ll stay. If too much, I exit. For you must always remember and hold fast to this, that the door is open.” (Discourses I.25.18)

Although I don’t advocate stoic view on this subject matter—as it goes without saying that all life is too precious and valuable to give up—their argument on the issue is what came to my mind days later as I read about Ian Curtis’s tragic hanging in Macclesfield, Cheshire, on the eve of his debut North American tour.

In a 2007 interview, Stephen Morris expressed his deepest regret that no one had realized the extent of Ian’s depression and stopped him. Many other band members had also come forth to express their sorrows and guilt. Yes, I understand—Ian Curtis was no stoic. Yet, if you had asked the great minds of Seneca, Aurelius, or Epictetus, they would all say that Ian Curtis had embraced his life fearlessly and ended it with utmost dignity by practicing his most powerful freedom. Perhaps on that night, the fire had become too much for Ian to bear, and—instead of trying to burn himself and those around him—Ian Curtis simply exited. Instead of us grieving over the tragedy that had befallen Joy Division, I believe we should—just briefly—put on stoic lenses and celebrate Ian Curtis’s bravery in his battles against epilepsy while leaving behind the unhindered gift of his music.

Full Lyrics

I’ve been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,

Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?

These sensations barely interest me for another day,

I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.



It’s getting faster, moving faster now, it’s getting out of hand,

On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it’s a no man’s land,

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,

I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.



What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again,

I’m watching you, I’m watching her, I’ll take no pity from you friends,

Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now,

Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,

Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,

Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,

I’ve got the spirit, but lose the feeling,

I’ve got the spirit, but lose the feeling,

Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling.



