Gaming and Cancer

I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, a quite non-lethal type of cancer, though it does require treatment. This causes something of a problem for gamers. You can't take a console to the hospital, it’s looked down upon if you bring a laptop into the waiting room, and shouting "Objection!" at a 3DS is certainly no better on the ward. Here is a summary of events throughout my treatment, and how I fit gaming into a change of the circumstances. Hopefully it can help you understand.

The first step is being diagnosed. This is done after a visit to the GP with a "suspicious lump" on your man parts - other cancers require you finding lumps in other places.

Doctor's surgeries generally have a decent amount of windows, so you will probably be able to get a 3G or H signal if not 4G. Therefore city builder games like Family Guy: The Quest For Stuff, or The Simpsons: Tapped Out are best, as they will distract you from your suspicions that your body has betrayed you. Kinda like a Zen garden, if you could fit a Zen garden in your pocket without sand going everywhere.

After the doctor has had a grope, they arrange an ultrasound to scan the affected area. This is booked by your local hospital, though depending on where you live will dictate just how local that ends up being.

Whilst waiting for your turn at the ultrasound, you may not have a decent signal. This doesn't always matter, but there are many apps that require some kind of internet connection. You may want to test them prior to leaving the house. Games that require fewer permissions are ideal, such as Star Traders RPG, Heroes of Steel or SimpleRockets. However, there are some like Angry Birds and Telltale's Game of Thrones which work just fine sans-internet.

The next appointment can be a week or so later, so spend that time playing whatever you usually play. Deus Ex, Carmageddon: Reincarnation, Marvel Heroes or anything on console, it doesn't matter at this point.

You will be referred to a urologist, and probably have to go to a specialised department of a hospital that is larger than your closest. Again, it being a hospital, you will probably be left with no signal and thusly no internet. Amazing Breaker, Sonic CD, Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lion, or just something to let off steam. There is a foreign mass inside your body, so it needs to be something to distract you from thinking the worst.

When the worst is confirmed as the prime suspect (because they can't guarantee it's cancer without removing it and looking at it), you're sent for blood tests. This might take up to an hour, so tap back into something to remain calm. Direct your frustrations into Carmageddon or Zombie Road Trip. Ignore the strange looks from others - you have suspected cancer!

As well as blood tests, you'll have an orchidectomy scheduled for you, hopefully at a local hospital but most likely the one that can fit you in soonest. It still might be a few days, so Elite: Dangerous and Catlateral Damage will aid in your relaxation. Because that long word isn’t some fancy term Alan Titchmarsh uses for hanging baskets: it’s the removal of one of your balls from your hanging basket!

Going to the hospital for early in the morning, you'll want to spend a few minutes checking that your apps are updated. If you're playing The Simpsons Tapped Out, Spider-Man Unlimited or other games that require periodical downloads, make sure you don't waste your data connection on those, do it beforehand on WiFi.

You'll be checked in and have some observations and chats. Marvel Puzzle Quest is an easy game to play, as is any match-3 game, if you're getting interrupted now and then. You'll have to go into surgery, and spend about two hours unconscious. Maybe more, if you fall back to your dream-less sleep.

After you wake up, you will need to show that you can walk and use the toilet. Then you're discharged and sent home with an adult. While you wait, catch up on your Family Guy The Quest for Stuff, Spider-Man Unlimited or finish off an episode of Game of Thrones.

At home you will want to rest, so more mobile games, or some simple console games. You will have plenty of downtime even if you don't want it, especially if the person looking after you (a must for 48-hours at least) forces you to rest. You’re literally not allowed to operate a kettle for two days, under doctor’s orders.

Replay Just Cause 2 or Fallout 3, start Transistor or Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor, you might even have a go at something like The Binding of Isaac. However, you probably won't want to spend too much time sat in front of a computer. Even with the best posture, you will likely pull on your new scar as it heals. A controller can be held closer than a mouse and keyboard, and most people don't have their computer anywhere as comfortably as their console.

As you recover over the week, you can spend more time on the computer, and might dip back into Elite: Dangerous, whilst still playing mostly on a console or some Pokemon Alpha Sapphire. You need your rest to get ready for your blood test one week after the blood test - and you’ll have a CT scan booked for you 7-10 days after your operation.

The CT scan involves you turning up at the hospital (local one, if applicable) in the radiology department. This means shielded walls, and no mobile internet. You’re there for over an hour, so remember to charge your phone. You’re going to want to play a lot more Sonic CD or Angry Birds.

Hopefully the cannula they put in you won’t affect your ability to play. It’s required to inject some dye into your veins, and give a better view of any affected lymph glands. But that’s during the scan, when you won’t be able to use your phone anyway, so just carry on until they take you in. There are a lot of Angry Birds games.

While you wait for them to convene a multidisciplinary meeting - a meeting of all the specialists who want to look at your CT scan and bloods, and talk about you behind your back - you’re free to carry on as you were.Moonrise, Morrowindor even replay Life Is Strange.

You’ll next attend the Germ Cell Clinic, which deals with certain types of cancer, such as most of the testicular ones. Yes, there are multiple testicular cancers, didn’t I mention that?

As you may have noticed, things move quickly in the world of cancer. Your appointment at the clinic will likely not run over, as most doctor’s and hospital appointments tend to do. So if you turn up on time you might not even have a chance to play anything. Best to take your 2DS so you can stick it on sleep easily, rather than risk running your battery down by improperly exiting a game.

Chances are, there were no errant cancer cells. But if the CT scan shows lymph glands, you might have more cancer. Even if the CT scan shows them - it might be completely fine and just how your body is normally.

Rather than say “Probably something: let’s get it out” as with your now-missing nut, they won’t jump straight to chemotherapy. That could damage your entire body, instead of just make your underwear fit oddly. Which means a PET scan, which is a CAT scan which takes longer and results in you being dangerously radioactive to pregnant women and small children.

You’ll get an appointment which will send you probably to the same hospital you went to for the clinic, in a department that is set apart from the rest of the hospital. Because I wasn’t kidding, you will be injected with radioactive sugar which will be metabolised by any active lymph glands and highlight them in the scan. The radiation isn’t harmful to you, but for the next six hours you’ll have to avoid contact with anyone under the age of seven, including fetuses, and pee sitting down.

As the appointment is for two hours - turn up, get injected and wait an hour and a half for a 30 minute scan - you will definitely need a full charge, maybe even a power pack. Kept in your own room, there will probably be a stack of magazines, maybe even some DVDs, but you’re a gamer damnit! You may be radioactive and a danger to pregnant women and those who share a car with you for an hour, but that doesn’t change who you are. Play more Sonic CD, have a go at The Bard’s Tale - maybe another episode of Game of Thrones is out? That last one is a guaranteed hour and a half, after all.

After half an hour in the PET scanner, you’re free to go home and wait for an appointment to follow within a couple of days to discuss the results. So, can you guess what you go back to playing? Yes, the normal games you would usually play! Batman: Arkham Knight, Just Cause 2… Whatever floats your gaming platform.

Once you’ve waited almost a week and called up to chase why you’ve not had an appointment made yet (your mileage may vary…), you will be back in the Germ Cell Clinic. Remember the last time - it wasn’t a slow appointment. So prepare something light and easy, but also have something just in case you need to tackle the long wait for blood to be taken.

In the minutes I was sat waiting, I barely had time for one level of Spider-Man Unlimited, not including loading, before I was called through. It can be worrying to wait to hear if you’ve got to have further treatment, so the consultant will come right out with it. All clear.

Now, this is where my story and yours (or a loved ones’) story may diverge. I can’t talk about what happens next, if you are told that the cancer has spread to other places. I can’t talk about how long a round of chemotherapy takes, nor even where you would need to receive it.

However, if you are given a clean bill of health, they will want to monitor you for three years. This will include chest x-rays, blood tests along with the occasional CT scan. The frequency of these will be dictated by the type of testicular cancer you had, as there are many kinds.

If you had a seminoma, then you will need an x-ray and bloods done every three months. If it was teratoma, then it’s every two months. I had both, so going forwards I need to be seen every eight weeks, with a CT at three months, then one year, two years and three years. By now, you should have picked up what you will need to bring and when, as I have. The CT scans will probably be the only times you get to do more than play a few levels, so long as the x-ray department isn’t running late and the blood tests aren’t swamped.

Finally, my most important point: play on.