1 The (literally) rubbish diss You know that ex? The one you really hate. Well next time they text you, try one of these responses. We’ve all got one ex who we basically want to die. It’s not pretty, but it’s just the way life goes. But for some reason, your extreme hatred hasn’t put them off getting in touch. Why? Because they’re stupid (but that’s a whole other matter). And no matter what you say, they keep coming back. Like a bad smell. A really obnoxiously persistent bad smell. Well not any more, because we’ve found 18 perfect ways to shut them down.

2 The casual change of subject

3 Letting the facts speak for themselves

4 Agreeing. That really throws them off

5 Deferring to (our new favourite inanimate object) the magic conch

6 The right-back-atcha

7 Taking it to the bad bad place (sometimes it’s the only way) /

8 The in ya face comeback

9 The get the hint

10 The corporate approach