It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Apink – Everybody Ready

After their last couple of comebacks, was everybody ready for Apink to do a cross between one of their boring B-side tracks from 2013 and the dreaded Sistar summer song sound? I sure wasn’t.

Stray Kids – Victory Song

Some nice sub-bass but the rest of this is pure comedy. Listen to that voice at 0:52, imagine him asking his groupmates to pass the cornflakes at the breakfast table with that voice.

Stray Kids – Chronosaurus

The “Chronosaurus” is a dinosaur that lived in the Triassic period and was so stealthy that any noise made from its mouth wasn’t heard by other dinosaurs until five years later. Stray Kids have harnessed its power to bring us a song that sounds like it was written in 2014, which is a good thing in this case because it means no post-first-chorus trap breakdown.

Youngjae – Another Night

What’s with street harassment in boy group k-pop videos. She doesn’t want to listen to you sing, okay? Also, neither do I.

Super Junior D&E – Danger

If k-pop stars are going to get face tattoos now, they should get their names printed in big bold letters on their foreheads so people can tell them apart and we don’t have to rely on those YouTube comments that timestamp the appearance of each member.

I.M & Elhae – Horizon

Open your mouth when you speak, damn. These idols don’t just need better songs, they need better parenting.

Target – It’s Beautiful

Actually good. Of course it probably has about six views.

Hashtag – Freesm

I’m not sure what “Freesm” means, presumably not “free SM Entertainment”, but this song is the typical shit. I like it how the title caption at the start of this song spells the word ASS if you just look at the capital letters, gives you a good idea of what to expect musically.

Hyojung – Sky

If Oh My Girl get anything on the best-of list for 2019 it sure won’t be this.

Lee Jang Woo – Will You Marry Me

If someone wanted to marry me and sung me this, I’d say yes just so I could get the engagement ring, pawn it and hire a lawyer to sue them for making shit music.

The Chain G – Drunk

I like it how they make him look like he’s underwater for most of the video. Someone tie a bag full of rocks to this song and drown it in a river.

Soyoon – Holiday

I got a little bit hopeful when the Gibson Explorer appeared but unfortunately there were no Metallica riffs being played and this stays squarely in crap R&B territory.

Kisum ft. Woody – Say Hi

More of Kisum being a let-down. Hey Kisum I gave you that Nugu Alert feature that skyrocketed you to rap fame, you owe me a decent song, or at least one better than this. Fair’s fair.

Kim Eun Bi – PPP

The camera is blurred about 50% of the time, he’s falling asleep so much that he can’t keep focus, just like me when listening to this.

Logan – Black

This guy wants his girl to take him back while he lies on the couch playing console games, maybe if you gamed on PC instead you could stream PUBG with idols.

Im Som – Love Me

And here’s the female version. Lighting a bunch of candles for yourself is probably supposed to look cute but this just looks like serial killer behaviour to me.

Gyepy – 2019

The ultimate in lazy video-making, kind of suits this tune really.

2Faith ft. Anpi – Gwacheon City

Just because it’s not trap doesn’t mean it’s good by default. This is for those sad people who think De La Soul’s first album was the pinnacle of hip-hop. That shitty “hippy rap” movement was a flash in the pan for a reason. But don’t get too excited if you were one of the three people who actually liked that sound, the song here fuses it with the typical boring Korean R&B sound just enough to dull off any accidental perkiness you might experience.

Wetter – Ggondae

Some weird-ass breakdowns and an odd almost-grunge section save this song from the bin.

The Yangbans – Around Midnight

I thought I heard a 9th chord in the intro so I nearly put it in the section below, but then it became a lighter-waving rock song so that was a slightly better outcome than anticipated.

SHIT JAZZ GUITAR/R&B HYBRID BALLAD FORGETTABLE TRASH THAT SHOULD DIE IN A FIRE SECTION

Lee Gikwang – Nothing

Jazz guitar in slow k-pop songs can fuck off.

Stephanie – Man On The Dance Floor

No, really. Enough with the jazz guitar. Trust an ex-CSJH member to be all over the latest shit trend in k-pop ballads.

Linda Floresta – If You Want…

And more. She sounds like she recorded this guitar with the crappy equipment I use for livestreams.

Kaya – I just Wonder

A video where the protagonist does a whole bunch of stuff that looks just as boring as the song itself.

415 – Shining Star

It was boring the shit out of me until 1:03 and then I nearly died laughing. When you can’t afford a decent synthesiser patch so you just gotta do the line with your voice… I know it’s supposed to be all “impressive” and shit because of beatboxing or whatever but what if it sounds like a wet fart.

A BUNCH OF LIVE STAGES THAT READERS INSIST THAT I COVER, BECAUSE I’VE APPARENTLY OPENED THE FLOODGATES NOW OR SOME SHIT

BTS – Dionysus

A partial throwback to their early sound and it really isn’t too bad especially compared to the Joe-average stuff they’ve been churning out since about 2015 plus isn’t that staging great, but I can’t get past the fact that almost every song SPEED ever did is better than this.

Pentagon – Spring Snow

Actually this is cool, thanks for linking this one. Genuinely grateful that this doesn’t suck monkey balls.

Pentagon – Round 1

And this one’s poop but it’s at least funny to watch them do one of the stupidest dance routines I think I’ve ever seen for a boy group.

Sunmi – Hey You

It’s got just a little too much of that bullshit tropical sound to really take off.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

YouKyung (ex-AOA) drums to Sunmi – Siren

Vintage readers will remember that YouKyung was my AOA fave back when she was in the group more actively, and she has some serious drum skills, plus a YouTube channel where she drums to various k-pop songs – thanks to my stream-watchers for the tipoff about this! I like her fluid understated style which is all about economy of motion, here she manages the deceptively tricky 16-beats and timing changes in Sunmi’s “Siren” like they’re nothing. She’s in some drum competition thing at the moment so you can watch some slightly more technical drumming of hers and vote for her at this link here if you’re interested, and I think you should, I don’t know what she gets if she wins it but hopefully some money or something, which I reckon she could use. The poor girl clearly needs a bigger rehearsal space, that room she’s in is seriously tiny, she can barely even fit her drum kit in there – but at least she’d definitely be safe from Yoochun.

That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse returns with more roundup next week!