COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — “We are neither Irish Catholics nor drinkers at this school and by not wearing anything green tomorrow we are going to avoid even the appearance of evil,” explained university spokesperson, Deirdre O’Brien to a specifically arranged convocation yesterday evening.

In honor of the St. Patrick’s Day “non-holiday”, Southern Adventist University’s administration has tightened the regulations for the university’s dress code (already recognized as the strictest in academic Adventism) with the school vowing to expel any student that wears green clothing on March 17, 2015.

As per their usual scrupulous attention to detail, university officials have promised to issue “pack-up” notices to any student who so much as wears green polka dots or green tie stripes. “I don’t even want to see a sliver of green undershirt showing through,” wrote Dean of Men, Patrick McKendrick in an email to male students titled “Don’t Even Think About It.”

“There will be no parades, no green-dyeing of any body of water, don’t even post a picture on a green lawn or change your profile pic to a shamrock,” said McKendrick. “I am on to just about every trick in the book. As far as we are concerned, any disregard for these rules amounts to an offense on par with sneaking into a girl’s dorm room or smoking in the library.”

Although there have been murmurs of discontent from the student body, most students have decided that, given Southern’s track record on dress code enforcement, they have no choice but to comply. In addition, student leaders of the university’s Greenpeace chapter have cancelled tomorrow’s meeting just to stay on the safe side.

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