Hi, this is a little awkward, I didn’t think I would really end up doing this...

By the time you're reading this, I've already completely uninstalled osu!, and disabled my Discord and Twitter accounts, overdosing myself on 120mg of Nordazepam and 100mg of Brintellix. I’m not sure what this will do to me but it definitely shouldn't be fatal. Without friends or family or anyone to even share one word to anymore, it can’t get any worse anyway.

I've been unknowingly battling depression completely alone for the past ten years, never having any friends or family to talk about anything to, only realising around ten months ago after getting diagnosed. I don't know what will happen to me after I go to bed with these drugs, but it'll be a good addition to the cliche that I always make the wrong choice in every decision of my life. Really though, who gives a shit right?

So, why am I doing this? I don't know either, but it's all I've been thinking about for a few months. I'm selfish, childish, incapable, entitled and unreasonable, and I've realised that after isolating myself from interacting with anyone online (therefore at all) for the first time in twelve years and what has come out of it. I still opened access for at least 20 people to talk to me still. However, out of the ten people I considered my real friends who knew about my fragile emotions, suicidal thoughts and overly extensive history of being physically, mentally and domestically abused, only one bothered to even try saying anything to me once before stopping shortly after, while some of the rest thought close to nothing of it and the remaining continued to publicly boast their great experiences with other friends like I never existed.

So, I'll stop existing. I had dropped out of school purely to pursue my passion of providing content to this community, which has taken well over at least 10 hours of my life each day for over a year (that’s well over a thousand hours), meeting dozens of new people who I would come to trust, adore or look up to, only to be treated lower than dirt by not only most of them but also hundreds of others that I too worked for months at a time for. I don’t want to continue living in an environment where I have to pay to extreme lengths with both my financial and mental health in order to work hard and provide for users for the sake of trying to make this game better for everyone.

I would like to appreciate and thank some good people that I’ve encountered but right now not one name can pop into my mind, especially after seeing how little of an impact I made after already leaving everything. I hope your mockery, deceptions and exploitations were fun while it lasted, I'm out. Can't wait to see where these pills will take me. I’m not running away, I’ve paid my debts. Some still owe me for the commissions I’ve done, but that’s okay, I’d rather not leave it the other way around. I wish I could go on and on about what I’m struggling with and a handful would already know some, but the truth is that not one person in this world did or would now truly care about all the abuse I’ve been going through. I just want people to believe me when I say that nothing I’ve ever done in and for this community was for myself. The more content I created, the more painful any kind of personal insult felt.

No worry, if these pills don’t affect me at all, I still have plenty enough to double my dosage. I’m sorry for anything I left half-finished but none of it is important enough anymore. I’ve planned and waited for this (due to GST2, TT3, COE) for close to six months now and with the recent news a week ago that I’ve been rejected by all four courses I applied and waited for four months to get back into school, I’m leaving the only things that continued to give my life reason, and now the lack thereof. It’s too late for me to come back. It’s too late for me to make friends. It’s going to be too late before I ruin someone’s life unless I stop myself.

I’m sorry for making the lives of thousands of people worse by my own blind actions. I have no social skills, money or friends. I’m very emotional and very bad with my words so I’m scared that nobody will take anything I say peacefully or truthfully. This is all I want. Please, forgive me.