[dolphin noises over soft, bell like electronic music]

Loaf: Greetings humans! You have reached Periwinkle. Ugh, that still sounds weird. Anyway, you have reached the radio host until recently known as Loaf. This is my personal mailbox. If you're calling with a problem for the show, please e-mail us or contact us in any of the myriad esoteric ways we have advised you to, none of which are my personal phone number.

Otherwise, please leave a message after the tone and I will call you back eventually. Please keep in mind I am hibernating until March 13th or until the ambient temperature increases to 17.8 degrees Celsius, whichever comes first.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Frankie: This is Frankie. Um, Sorry to bother you. I know you're probably hibernating. I'm also going to call Janet about this, but, let's face it, she's not going to do anything. So I was looking over the contract we have with an… Armin Nassif? I don't think it's very legally sound at all. But, as I told Mr. Xorfus, I'm not actually trained as a lawyer, especially in temporal law, but he's too cheap to actually bring our legal counsel in until we're already being sued so, as always, I have to do everything around here.

Okay. Sorry. Getting off track. [sighs deeply] Without getting into the legal and temporal details, I'm not sure the version of Mr. Nassif who has been appearing on your show actually signed the contract in his timeline. I'm not sure how it happened, but I think the Mr. Nassif who signed the contract with us no longer exists. To put it another way, we approached Mr. Nassif, and he signed a contract to appear in a certain number of episodes. The contract was valid from the moment it was signed from an objective temporal perspective, which meant versions of Mr. Nassif who had not yet signed the contract were still bound by it. They appeared on the show. Then somehow the timeline was altered so that the original Mr. Nassif never signed the contract. But the earlier versions of him had already been on the show, without a contract, which is legally dicey.

Oh geez. [sighs] My head hurts just thinking about this. But anyway, we need to cover our asses and get the version of Mr. Nassif from this timeline to sign a new contract ASAP. So let me know if you have any idea how to approach that. Have a good hibernation cycle.

Bye.

[Answering machine tone]

[18 seconds of dolphin noises]

[Answering Machine Tone]

Janet: Hi Loaf.. or Periwiiiinkle! It's Janet, your favorite co-host. I know you're in a cocoon or well- I don’t know that it's a cocoon, but whatever it is you’re doing I really don’t care, and I really don’t want to know.

But. Frankie did tell me that you're gonna come out of it now and again to check your voicemail. So I wanted to tell you... I've lined up some new sponsors for the show. And they're organic and gluten free and all that stuff, so you don't have to worry about any of it. But, I know you and I have… disagreed from time to time about the… legal and ethical ramifications of some of our sponsors. Sooo, I wanted to give you a chance to make sure these guys aren't evil or, you know, they're evil, but like the normal kind of evil, like the evil that you just like sigh and say “so evil, but what can you do?” and not the evil where you want to boycott them or like shoot a proton torpedo in their exhaust port or whatever 'cause they killed the pandas and there’s no more pandas, and it's their fault. So if you get this before you finish hibernating, please have a look at the stuff I sent over. I think you’re really gonna like it, or at least not hate it as much as the other stuff I’ve sent you. So. Check it Out.

Oh, also, oooh my gooosh, they’re going to let me host a show all by myself! Wish me luck even though I definitely won’t need any luck. Happy cocooning or whatever it is you’re actually doing. Bye!

[Answering Machine Tone]

Octopus Jess: Loaf, it's me. Octopus Jess. Surreal Cereal is going to be playing a concert on Earth next month. We’re doing this whole outer spiral arm tour. So I thought you might want to sit in on a number or two. Brush off that old Sicovian slide whistle. Give the [long dolphin noise] fans a real treat. Only if you're into it though. Let me know!

[Answering Machine Tone]

[18 seconds of dolphin noises]

[Answering Machine Tone]

Loaf’s Broodmate: Loaf. Periwinkle. Whatever it is you’re calling yourself now. This is your clutch mate, [dolphin noise]. Your broodmom, your first demihusband and your second protowife have all been calling you for weeks and they've heard nothing. They thought maybe you'd be more likely to answer a message if it was sent in this ridiculous human language, so they asked me to call you, since I speak ridiculous human.

We're all worried about you, Eeeheeheehee. Also your family wants to start a new clutch of eggs. When are you going to get over this ridiculous idea of being an intergalactic radio host and come back to the mud pits? We have radio shows here, you know. Well, sort of radio shows. Obviously ours have an olfactory component. But, the point is, we miss you! Please call your broodmom and at least let her know if you'll be home for the caterpillar festival.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Postal Worker: This is the United Federation of Postal Services, calling for an ee-yee-yee-yee-yee? We have several large packages addressed to you stuck in transdimensional customs. You’re listed as both the sender and the recipient. It looks like maybe an alternative version of you sent them? Anyway, you gotta come sign for these. They smell terrible. Please come get them.

[Answering Machine Noise]

Mr. Xorfus: Periwinkle, it’s your boss, Mr. Xorfus. I don’t know how to say this, but, well, Janet tried to do a show without you and it… did not go well. I mean, problems were not solved. We might have created some splinter timelines… Honestly, old friend, we need you back here. You’re the star, you’re the brand. Like, I know Janet gets more fan mail than you and we put giant posters of her everywhere. But that’s just because humans find your species repulsive. They love you. They. Love. You. And it’s not just humans. According to our latest poll numbers, anything with more than two legs loves you the most. Bipeds like Janet. But you know bipeds. Who cares what they think? Anyway, hurry up and finish hibernating. You’re costing us money. JK. I miss you buddy. But also the money thing.



Oh, and don’t tell Janet she’s popular among bipeds, okay? She’s got enough of an ego as is.

Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It was produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season two was written by Austin, Nathan and Michael. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. The voice of Octopus Jess is Justy Gee. The voice of Loaf’s broodmate is Bridget Kraynik. The voice of the postal worker is Pete Lutz. And the voice of Mr. Xorfus is Ron Prudent.

There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of each episode and links to support us through PayPal and/or Radio Public. You can also rate or review us in Apple Podcasts or tag us on social media, our handle is stp_podcast. We’ll be back again in two weeks with another mini-episode. See you then!