You are gone, at least the way I knew you.

You are dead.

You are gone.

You lifted my spirit higher than its ever been before.

then you left and abandonded me,

much like the little girl i was back when i was a little girl.

when my mom left and didnt come back for year.

Is that why, then,

that i keep imagining that there will come a time,

in the future,

a time when you will come back

and you will be there.

again

at last

forever more

make it right

do it right

be good to me

once again

and hopefulyl never change

never go away again.

?

is this a flashback

is this right

i think that make ssome sense, there, but

i never thought of it in that way

until just now.

but it seems to be making some kind of sense

realizations

perceptions

inner reflection.

something you can never do.

not for yourself

or anyone else

and that is to your very own detriment,

my friend.

because you are the only one you ar ehurting my holding in the hurt

the pain you feel is descending therough your body

like blood in your veins

it fills you

in every way

and alqays

and it never will, stop

and i feel for you,

i do.

i think you do know that muich.

but i akso know

that feeling for you does nothing

and will never mean anything,

to you.

so whats the point?

i cant help how i feel.

but i CAN help how i think

how i process and how i deal.

how i cope

its a tough road ahead

the past has been

and its not over yet.

not until

not until i can look at myself with the same glow i did before

when you lifted me so high

i can never see myself that way againsince tyouve gone away

and i hate you for it,

as i hate you,

for so many

so many, many other things, related

this incident struck me and stopped me in my tracks

and you just sit where you sit

and you just be you and moe on and

act like i was

NOTHING

nothing at all.

well,

now,

that is exactly

exactly

exactly how i feeel.

and i swear to God that I love you but i also just want to punch to square in the mouth.

and i hate myself.

i want to blame you for so many things,

i know it isnt right,

but i want to put it on you

maybe because i feel if i do that,

if i out it all on you,

then somehow

maybe

you can take it all away.

mayve one day

if you ever become self aware

maybe you can understand what you have done

what you have

REALLY

done to me

by coming and going

by taking me on a hot air balloon ride and then dropping me off at THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE ADVENTURE.

AND NOT FEELING A THING ABOUT IT

JUST MOVING ON AS IF I NEVER EXISTED

THEN, HWEEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP MY NAME

YOU TAKE OFFENSE AND GET ANGRY

YOU SAY i AM RUINING YOUR LIFE

I AM MAKING YOU FEEL GUILT THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN

ALL BECAUSE i was alive at one point

and now im dead

and you dont want to have anything to do with it.

you want to walk away as if i never existed .

but you made me who i was when iwa swith you

and then you took that babygirl with you

when you left

and now its just me

here

here

here

here

missing you

missing me

missing it

missing that.

and thats okay

because it doesnt make any difference anyway

anyway,

im sorry you are who you are

but i am also so happy yu are who you are

or were who you were,

rather,

but now youre not that man and im devastated

abnd you cant come back and revive the art of me that is gone

but you wouldnt even if you could

you can

you wont

the sad oart is

i would let you

at least at this poit in the journey

i still

i still feel i would

i would let you

i would let you try

and i hope one day taht you do

i hope the day comes before one of us dies

iu hope you love me again one day

i hope forever

i will not feel this way

so dissarray

so full of dismay

i sit here

and cry

and i still wonder why

and i need to know

but you wont et me go

and i cant ever grow

because only you know

and it dfoesnt kill you

sodtly

pr slowly

or at all.

not at all.

and im sorry i am who i am

that i am not more worthy of that

thatkind of love you once gave to me

i am sad

so sad

i am saddneded

and broken

and gone from who i was before

i am sorry.

i want you to be here

and make e feel

so happy again.

but i know tht will never happen

but

but i still hope that it will

that you will come back

and make it eright

like my mom did

eventually.

and im sorry

because it is so

damned

pathetic thast i am sorry.

that you hurt me this way.

that you left

me

right when i needed you most

and you promised youd stay

that you were on my side and

you wanted to be there every day

in every way

i was the light of your day

you said you wanted it all

all of me

all of it

this life

do it right

with a smile

and im a fool

oh

i am a fool.

im sorry taht i am

i

am

a

fool.

forgiving myself NOW.