As always, guys, thanks for everything as I appreciate all your comments and critiques. You're the best.

Alright, Evil!Steven here we are. Phew, this thing ended up being a monologue, but our boy had some feelings he needed to get through. This was an incredibly hard chapter for me to write just because of how anger can transform people. Usually, it either comes out in angry outbursts before someone eventually snaps and blows up (like what we see with Future Steven in the show), or they become numb and disassociate. Long before Bruce Banner ever Hulked out, he would often have dissociative episodes in middle school to combat all the anger and trauma he witnessed by seeing his mother get murdered by his father. This doesn't just happen in comics; dissociation is a considerable part of PTSD and domestic violence, and one of the first things our brain does to defend itself when overloading with mental pain. Dissociation and numbing himself to the pain is part of how I built up my version of Steven's defense mechanisms since he's diverged from his Future counterpart at this point. I've also written more on the psychology of this in the notes if you are interested in reading more.

Chapter Text

—Homeworld—

The Throne Room…

“...”

Steven’s lips moved, but the humming from the electricity behind him drowned out most of what he was trying to say.

Realizing that no one could hear him over the intense surge of energy, he closed his eyes and tried channeling all that immense power back into himself the best he could.

Everything felt so strange, he thought to himself, flexing his hands as the current radiated through him. His body didn’t even feel like it was his own anymore; he was simply a conduit for all this power. Although there was so much destructive force building up inside of him, Steven couldn’t feel the sting and pull of the electricity at all anymore.

It didn’t hurt, which was nice, but he also couldn’t feel a single thing now.

Did that matter, though?

No, no, not really, he realized.

Steven found that he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything.

There was a sort of strange freedom in being this empty.

The throne room quieted as the gigantic pink leviathan that had been looming behind him faded away, crawling back into his body like a parasite reentering its host. Although the massive tentacles of electromagnetic energy dwindled, Steven’s body was still glowing in incandescent light, just like it had two years ago in this very throne room.

This wasn’t a boy split in two this time, one human part floundering on the floor, while the gem part raged against the force that had pulled them apart in the first place. Instead, Steven had been twisted up from the inside out. Both his humanity and gem parts were torn apart right down to their atoms and then rebuilt into something entirely new.

Something that was no longer human or alien anymore.

“Sorry.” He said casually, clearing his throat and trying again to address the crowd of silent onlookers. “That’s better. Geez, I couldn’t hear myself think with all that noise.”

The way he tried to smile at them was strangely performative; his mouth moved, but his eyes closed automatically to hide the fact that the smile didn’t reach them.

Like his gem counterpart all those years ago, the young man’s feet didn’t touch the ground anymore. The boy’s body didn’t have any electrical resistance to direct currents, as the never-ending power source inside him created a magnetic field that separated him from the rest of the world.

Gravity didn’t apply to Steven Universe at all now.

Finding her courage, Connie was the first to approach him. “Steven… are, are you alright?” She asked hesitantly. He still seemed sort of lucid if that sentence was anything to go on. But there was no telling what exactly the transformation had done to his already compromised mind.

The boy blinked at her with what looked like incomprehensible madness for a few seconds before answering. “You know, I’m not sure.” He said hazily, pressing the curve of skin between his thumb and index finger against his temple. “I don’t—I can’t feel anything.”

Steven’s eyes were wide and terrifyingly blank as he met her gaze, “I don’t feel anything, Connie. Isn’t that weird? I mean, I should be feeling something right now, shouldn’t I? It really hurt a minute ago, so much so that I think I almost preferred dying.” He balled his hands into fists on either side of his head before splaying his fingers wide, “But now… now I’m just so numb.”

There was no way an average human could handle even a fraction of the energy that was currently circulating through his body. So Connie was suddenly horrified to realize that maybe it wasn’t that he was unable to feel anything, but rather that Steven was so consumed by pain right now that he had just stopped being able to process it altogether.

Panic rattled down Connie’s spine, cold and sharp at the thought of what someone with his powers and his current mental state could do in a situation like this.

“Steven,” She murmured, reaching for him, even though she knew couldn’t hide the worry in her voice from him at all.

“Don’t,” He said softly, taking a step backward the second he saw her try to grab for him, “I’m dangerous.” There was no sadness or regret in that sentence, only the truth. The power radiating inside him felt like a dozen nuclear bombs, and just because it wasn’t visible anymore didn’t mean it wasn’t right there under the surface.

The thought of losing her somehow really bothered him. Especially the idea that she could get hurt or die because of him, he didn’t like it. Even if Steven couldn’t remember why she was so important to him, Connie wasn’t allowed to leave.

Not when she was his.

Those pink eyes were void of any real emotion, but he almost sounded sad for a minute before he warned, “Don’t try to touch me. I’ll just end up hurting you.”

Angry, guilty tears slid down Connie’s face as she immediately pulled back her hand. Despite how much she cared about him, she also couldn’t help being terrified of him right now, and that sickened her. What kind of knight was she in the first place if she couldn’t even save the one person she had spent all these years fighting for?

“You know, White; Connie did ask you a question a few minutes ago.” The pale-haired boy noted as he moved away from his friend and took a few steps towards the Diamonds. “I’m curious, too, to be honest.” Even though his voice was carefully constructed to sound normal, there was a sharp edge to that usually friendly tone. "Just what did you do to me?” He inquired sweetly.

“I had to do it, Steven,” White assured him, slightly surprised by the little shiver of terror that crept up her spine as he approached. “You have to understand that all of this was for your own good.”

White Diamond was Homeworld’s oldest gem, the planet’s most powerful being, and yet there was no denying that at this moment even she was a little frightened of the rage that was hiding just below Steven’s plastic exterior.

The boy was alight like a tiny supernova. For someone as in tune with luminosity as White was, the power and absolute magnitude that resonated in that little body of his were unlike anything she had ever seen. So even though instinct was trying to warn the Diamond that she was in the presence of something dangerous, she found herself so blinded by her new creation that she couldn’t take any of it to heart.

“Oh, just look at you, Starlight. Why you’re just dazzling!” The gem matriarch breathed in utter adoration, “It was worth all that pain and suffering you had to go through, wasn’t it? You’re brilliant like this.”

“You’re something greater than either a human or a gem now, Steven. You’ve transcended into something not even your fellow Diamonds can ever hope to become. Don’t you see? Our Pink must have understood that you were destined for this from the start. This must be the real reason she gave up her physical form, why she stayed on Earth instead of coming home to us. It was all part of your higher purpose, your primary function. Only you were special enough to survive the transformation. All of us perfect diamonds failed in the past, but you, an impure diamond, you were the key all along.”

“You were right about everything, Steven.” She continued to gush, clapping her hands together in joy, “And I changed just like you wanted me to. Now I see that flaws aren’t something to be afraid of; no, they’re wonderful, fantastic things that help us reach our full potential.”

“… to decide.” The young man muttered, head down, fists clenched, his voice so low that they could barely hear him.

“What’s that dear?” White Diamond inquired, straining to catch what he said.

“I said,'YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE MY FUTURE!'” Steven roared, as all the anger and fury they had seen from earlier came rippling back to the surface. The blast of energy from his explosive temper tore through the rooftop, blinding everyone and blasting through the pillars and diamond lattice windows above them like they were simply cardboard.

“NONE OF YOU DO!” He snarled, teeth barred as bursts of electromagnetic waves surged through the air, “And I’m so sick of everyone around me telling me who and what I have to be all the time!”

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU ALL THAT I’M NOT MY MOM?!”

Everyone that wasn’t a Diamond found themselves hitting the deck to avoid getting poofed or worse, having their heads blown off from the force of the energy ripping into the throne room. In less than three sentences, the youngest member of the Great Diamond Authority had managed to blast thousands of years worth of metal and stone to rubble as though it was nothing.

Instinct and adrenaline flaring, the Crystal Gems pulled out their weapons and prepared for a fight. The last thing anyone wanted to do was hurt him, but it was apparent Steven was unhinged right now.

Before the destruction could get any worse though, Steven’s eyes caught Pearl’s, and for just a moment, the two stared at each other.

It was like he had never seen her before in his life. There was no love or recognition there for her, only emptiness.

Her little boy was so lost right now.

Something akin to childish curiosity flashed across his face once he saw her clutch her trident tighter, but it was less like he was sizing her up for a fight and more like he wanted to see what she’d do in this situation.

But whatever Steven saw in Pearl’s expression managed to bleed the fight right out of him.

Curling in on himself, all he could do at this point was laugh.

The laugh that poured out of him was soft and angelic. It was so innocent-sounding, and out of place that it was even scarier than all that rage had been a moment earlier.

“You win,” He choked in between belts of laughter, “I give up.”

“I can’t fight all of you. If being Pink Diamond is all that I’m good for, then fine, I’ll be the new Pink Diamond.” Steven chuckled, his voice muffled as he buried his face in his hands, “It’s not like I can go back to being me anyways. I’m stuck like this, aren’t I, White?”

Biting those perfect black lips of hers, Homeworld’s sovereign felt a rare sting of guilt at seeing Pink’s son hunched in on himself like this. It seemed that the only reason he was laughing at all right now was that somehow amidst all the madness, Steven had forgotten how to cry.

“I’m afraid so, my darling.” She consented, trying to comfort him while still being cautious enough to make sure not to touch him. “But give it some time. It’s not all bad, is it, to be something greater than a silly little human being? Now you don’t have to worry about all those limitations that make organic life so short. The natural law doesn’t exist for you anymore, Starlight; you’re beyond all that now.” Kneeling beside him, White made sure to use her most soothing tone as she stated, “Now Steven, I know that you must be very angry with me. So you take all the time you need to process this; it’s a big change after all. I just hope that eventually, you’ll come to realize that I’m only doing what’s best for you.”

“What’s best for me...” He repeated darkly before dropping his hands and looking up at her again.

Then the insane glow in his eyes softened ever so slightly, and a sad look passed over his face instead, “You know, I do understand why you did this. You did all of this because you love me.”

Sighing, the teen raked through his messy hair, “I get it, White. It’s scary when you love someone, and you can’t always protect them.”

“We let people into our hearts so easily, and before we even know it, our loved ones end up becoming our main source of happiness. So it can be frightening to realize that someone else can have that much power over you.” The boy empathized, “What’s worse, is that being truly happy can make you afraid of what can happen if you lose that happiness. I think in the end, that’s why we end up hurting each other sometimes. When we put our hearts in the hands of other people, sometimes they can’t help but hurt us despite their best intentions.”

The mask slipped away then, and the false gentleness in his voice made everything sound sickly sweet as he added, “Which is why when you really start to think about it, love is actually pretty horrible, isn’t it?”

Steven’s eyes were utterly dead as he raised his pointer finger towards her.

Underneath that blankness though he was so very very angry.

And Spinel knew what it felt like to look and feel just like that once. That was the reason why she was able to see the attack coming towards White before anyone else.

Stepping between him and White Diamond, the harlequin caught his hand in hers right before Steven could let loose the condensed energy that had been pooling on his pointer finger.

Eyes widening as her gloved hand covered his, the energy dissipated and fizzled from the surprise alone. He couldn’t believe Spinel would do something like this, not after all the warnings he had given everyone about what would happen if they touched him.

C-come on, Stevie, stop it.” Pink’s former playmate pleaded through clenched teeth, trying to ignore the fact that she had pretty much grabbed the hand of a transmission tower. The minute her fingers touched his, Spinel’s face and body began to glitch as the circuits in her gem started to overload from the surge of power.

But even though her whole core hissed and fizzled like it was roasting on a fire pit, she still wouldn’t let go of his hand.

“Y-you don’t really want to hurt anyone, do you?” Her voice was distorted, coming in like static. The fact her jewel was being burned from the inside out making her sound like a broken radio.

“You’re not a one-way kid like Pink was, not you,” She told him as sure of that as she was of anything, “Not Steven Universe. You’re better than this. You’ve always been the best of us, Steven. That’s why I can’t let you become someone like me. Hurting people doesn’t ever make you feel any better about your own pain. If anything, it just makes you feel worse.”

A small outcry was the last thing she was able to get out before the little clown disappeared in a cloud of smoke, her gemstone still crackling from the live current as it clanged to the ground.

And for a moment the teen was so temporarily thrown off guard by what had happened he couldn’t move.

Staring down at the sizzling gemstone by his feet, Steven couldn’t believe that Spinel had just purposely almost shattered herself to protect White Diamond.

The funny thing was she could have easily tried to stop him by force if she had wanted to. Violence used to be the first line of defense for Spinel not even five days ago.

But instead of fighting, this time she had put all her trust in others.

Spinel had chosen to believe in her friends.

She had still believed in him up to the very end.

It was touching to know that she had probably been trying to save him too.

Steven hadn’t expected that kind of loyalty and kindness from his mom’s abandoned friend, and he wasn’t sure if he even deserved it.

If Spinel could change that much in four days, maybe things weren’t as hopeless as they seemed.

Maybe he didn’t have to go through with this; perhaps if he turned back now, there was still some chance that he could get better.

His friends were still waiting for him.

And that realization made the small part of his heart that wasn’t dead strangely ache all over again.

Yeah right.

Steven fought back another chuckle at the thought, immediately covering his mouth with his hand so it wouldn’t slip out and risk spoiling the somber mood.

Sure, and right after that, he’d cure world hunger and fix global warming on Earth.

“Wow. You know she must have really cared about you, White.” He commended, before stepping over Spinel’s gem as if she was just another rock, “That’s so nice, Spinel was a true friend.”

There was no sympathy at all for his fallen friend as he said that.

None.

Steven was just like anyone with power, operating on the mindset that just because he had the strength, he had the right to do whatever he wanted.

“I don’t think caring about you saved her, though.” He pointed out, throwing up his hands for effect, “In the end, it can’t save anyone.”

“Oh, Spinel.” Blue choked, taking a step forward to somehow get her little friend’s gem out from the young man’s radius, only Yellow pulled her back before she could try to reach for her.

The duo quickly became a trio as White stepped back in a panicked sweep beside them, as even she had finally seemed to comprehend the sacrifice Spinel had just made for her. Not to mention the much more disturbing realization that her little Starlight had just tried to shatter her.

Pressed against what remained of their thrones, the Diamonds eyed one another in an unspoken agreement to disarm the teen quickly before he could hurt anyone else—but they were already too late. Steven made the first move since he didn’t have time to spend on any more intergalactic tyrants or white knights ready to fall on their swords in a stupid attempt to save him.

Instantly, the air seemed to be sucked out of the room. Human, gem, everyone was slammed into what remained of the walls with the force and pressure of a hurricane. The gravitational pull was so strong Connie felt her bones creak from the strength of the air pressure alone as he held all of them frozen in place with the energy from his magnetic field.

Even the Diamonds were little more than pebbles when pitted against the kinetic energy Steven was currently controlling.

“Steven, stop! Please stop this.” Pearl cried out as they continued to be pressed just an inch from being poofed themselves, “We understand! You’re allowed to be angry that White hurt you like this, but this isn’t—”

“I’m not mad about White hurting me.” Steven corrected, crossing his arms, “You know me better than that, Pearl. Let’s face it; most of the people who meet me usually try to kill me. I’m so used to assassination attempts and child endangerment by now that hey, what’s a little photon poisoning among family? That’s a typical Thursday night for us.”

“I’m just getting so tired of people using me all the time and then telling me that it’s because they love me.” He explained to her, even though he didn’t expect her to understand, “Love like White’s here, love like yours, love like Mom’s, it’s a joke. All love really is just another way to use someone.”

The fake little smile he was wearing was a contrast to rage burning brightly in his eyes as his pupils turned into thin, animalistic slits, “So thanks, but no thanks, you know? It’s pretty obvious to me now that it’s pointless to care about anything.”

“Steven, what the heck is wrong with you, dude?!” Amethyst gritted out as she desperately searched for some sign of the old Steven in the monster that was currently wearing his face, “Snap out of it, will you! This isn’t like you! Come on; it’s us. We’re you’re family!”

“Family? Oh, is that what we were?” He gasped condescendingly, “Because it always seemed to me that you guys were much more interested in finding gems and completing missions than you were at playing house.”

Eyes narrowing, the boy scoffed, “C’mon Amethyst. We were never a real family. I always wanted us to be one, but the truth is that I was never that important to you in the first place.”

“I mean, do you guys even know why I wanted to be a Crystal Gem so badly in the first place?” He demanded.

“Of course, you don’t. None of you realized that being useful to a bunch of monster-fighting aliens was pretty much the only way I could spend any quality time with you. Sure the missions were fun sometimes, and man does the idea of ‘protecting humanity’ sound cool to a twelve-year-old, but that was never the real reason I did it. It was because being a part of the team was the only way I could ever get any attention from any of you!”

“I would have done anything if it meant not being alone all the time.” Steven continued, “It was always so lonely in our house by myself. Why do you think I worked so hard to master my powers? It wasn’t because I wanted to be like Mom; I did it for you guys. It was always for you guys. Because I was so afraid that if you didn’t need me—that one day you’d just up and leave me.”

“The three of you were my whole world.” He confessed with a sappy smile, “I didn’t want to just be like Mom; I wanted to be like you too. To me, there was no one in the universe as brave and cool and smart as my family was. You guys were my superheroes. “

But in that next instant, his affection for them evaporated, leaving room for only burning resentment instead.

“So I tried to be useful to you because that was always the unspoken rule for getting to hang out with you. Besides, if I wasn’t helping someone, then what good was I to anyone? My entire childhood was one endless cycle of ‘Drop what you’re doing, Steven; you know your time isn’t as valuable as the Gems. Ignore your own interests, Steven; they’re stupid compared to all this magical destiny stuff. Push down your feelings, Steven; they need you to be strong for them right now. Take care of them, Steven, because somebody has to! Put them back together every time they fall apart, Steven, because it’s all your fault that the person they really want is gone in the first place!’”

The poisonous flash in his eyes paled in comparison to bite of his words as he asked, “Do you know how often you made me feel like I didn’t even deserve to exist?”

“All I ever wanted from you was for you to love me for me. For you to tell me just one time that my human half was good too, that I didn’t always have to be Rose’s son, that it was okay just to be me.” He huffed, “The truth is none of you ever tried to understand me even a little bit. That’s why we’re not a real family; families aren’t supposed to be this one-sided.”

Both Pearl and Amethyst were crying really hard right now, momentarily shocked into silence by the venom of those accusations. And in another lifetime, seeing them like that would have hurt him so much. They had meant so much to him once upon a time, but not now.

Not now.

That had been the old him.

Humming the notes to some cheerful little diddy he could no longer remember the words to, Steven simply left it at that.

Turning his back on them both physically and metaphorically, the teen made his way towards the warp pad to leave.

“Steven, please—” Pearl started, desperately trying to find the words to make him stay.

But the happy little boy she knew was gone, and the darkness between them had never seemed this vast and endless before.

Stepping onto the teleportation circle, Steven turned to flash her one last smile, “Hey, look on the bright side Pearl, the Crystal Gems don’t have to worry about dealing with an annoying little tag along like me anymore. From this point on, it’s Era 3, so it’s every gem for themselves. Besides, you guys can always just replace me if you get lonely. After all, you’re really good at that.”

With that, he was all set to activate the warp when a realization suddenly dawned on him.

“Oh, shoot!” He exclaimed, snapping his fingers as he berated his own absent-mindedness. “Y’know I almost forgot, but there’s one more thing I need to say before I head out. Now I know that you guys are guardians of Earth and all that, but I really wouldn’t recommend following me home this time. Consider it some friendly advice. Because now that I’m the new Pink Diamond, the first thing I plan on doing when I get back is to rip apart Mom’s legacy piece by piece with my bare hands.”

Tapping his jaw, he pondered to himself, “Call me crazy here, but I’m actually starting to think that I might have some unchanneled aggression towards her that I need to work through. And leveling Beach City to the ground seems as good a place as any to start.”

To be continued…