Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 3 LSU:

Welcome to Death Valley for what some are calling The Game of the Century; those people are definitely wrong, but they’re still calling it that. There’s no doubt LSU is fired up, Coach O is showing more energy in pregame than the entire Alabama student section has shown all year.

BET YOUR LIFE ON LSU pic.twitter.com/pzse2bR5Tv — David Blattman (@davidblattman) November 3, 2018

Let’s get started.

15:00

LSU won the toss and daringly/foolishly decided to give it to Alabama. We’ll get to find out quickly if they can extend their opening drive scoring streak and if Coach O’s heart can survive past the first series. Tua leads a solid drive down the field until he gets hit right in the Tagovailoas and has to sit out at a play — which of course sends the LSU crowd into their biggest cheer of the night. Bama has to punt, which is better than missing another field goal.

9:43

After an LSU 3-and-out, Bama leads another great drive right through the heart of the LSU defense, although if you listened to the CBS crew you’d think that if Devin White were playing, LSU would already be up 14-0 now.

But, LSU is able to completely change the momentum of the game by … giving up a touchdown to Alabama and not being ejected for targeting. But it works, and the Tigers ride the momentum to block the extra point.

Alabama 6-0.

3:55

LSU goes 3-and-out, gets the ball back, and immediately has to punt again. This game is turning into a defensive struggle in which only one defense is really struggling.

2nd quarter

15:00

Alabama is backed up deep in its own territory, but thanks to some big runs from Damien Harris and a 1-handed leaping catch by Henry Ruggs III, they’re able to quickly move the ball down the field. Brad and Gary compare Ruggs’ catch to Odell Beckham Jr., who’s watching this on the sidelines and trying to think of some way the Giants can trade Eli Manning for Tua, or even Joe Burrow at this point.

8:13

On a 3rd-and-long, Tua is flushed to his left and makes a miraculous throw right at the first-down marker. Gary Danielson compares Tua to Steph Curry, which is perfect because if Bama loses this game, Bama fans can just pretend he was hurt.

LSU is able to make the stop and force a field goal, although if Devin White were playing, he probably would have blocked the kick, returned it for a score and then kicked the extra point himself. But he’s not, so Alabama makes the kick and goes up two scores.

Alabama 9-0.

6:12

LSU needs to do something on offense, its hurry-up straight to the sideline scheme has produced nothing in the first half. So far the height of LSU’s offensive attacks has been Joe Burrow QB sneaks, broken screen plays, and angry cutaway camera shots of Coach O.

LSU punts the ball away again, but for the first time ever, the black voodoo magic of Death Valley gets the best of Tua and he throws his first interception of the season, and probably his life, who knows.

But, like everything else, the interception works to Alabama’s advantage as it pins the Tigers deep. Bama’s D comes inches away from forcing a safety. It sets up Bama in great field position and Tua makes up for the interception with a perfect touchdown throw to one of his 30 5-star receivers. But did they leave too much time for LSU’s offense to score before the half?

Alabama 16-0.

1:52

With the pressure on, LSU turns in an extremely efficient drive, going 3-and-out in only about 20 seconds. That’s called the “Willie Taggart Special.”

Bama knows the only thing that could keep them from winning this game is Tua’s knee, or some sort of Sharknado type of occurrence, so they’re just gonna run the ball out and take in into halftime.

3rd quarter

15:00

It’s Devin White time, but unless LSU is planning to put him at quarterback and offensive coordinator, it might be too little, too late.

LSU gets the ball first, and they pick up right where they left off. Burrow takes a sack and the offense is off the field faster than you can say “At least he’s not Danny Etling.”

8:31

Alabama is backed up with a 3rd-and-18 deep in its own territory, just enough for a 19-yard tight end screen that rips the heart out of the LSU fans. Maybe LSU needs to give up another touchdown to get some momentum.

Right on cue, Tua runs right through the defense for a 40-yard touchdown, just to show he can. Not only did Tua outrun the LSU secondary to the end zone, but he was limping for most of it. It’s the kind of play that makes you think Charles Xavier is going to wheel up to the sidelines and ask him to transfer.

Tua makes a house call, but comes up limping at the end of it. pic.twitter.com/QjcIXBdB5y — CBS Sports (@CBSSports) November 4, 2018

Alabama 22-0.

4:31

LSU gets a big kick return, which sets them up perfectly for another 3-and-out at just past midfield. Have to admire Ensminger’s consistent game plan.

4th quarter

14:12

The Tigers finally get something going on offense, mostly because of a facemask penalty, but that’s OK. Burrow puts them right on the edge of the red zone, but on fourth down, Coach O elects to kick the field goal. Smart move, only 8 more field goals until LSU takes the lead.

Unfortunately, the field goal is wide left and LSU is back to square one, which means heading to the B1G to scout some backup quarterbacks.

9:13

As Death Valley empties out, it’s the perfect time to finally say “Tua Tagovailoa takes a snap in the fourth quarter.” Of course, it’s in a 22-point game and all he has to do is hand the ball off without tearing his ACL, but it’s still fourth-quarter experience dammit.

They’re still scoring touchdowns though, and anyone that bet on Alabama -28 has to be feeling pretty good right now.

Alabama 29-0.

3:45

LSU is paying for pride at this point, or maybe to impress Nick Saban enough to transfer there next year. The Tigers have one last chance to put some points on the board, but Burrow’s pass is intercepted. And LSU’s hope, just like its whiskey glasses, is empty.

Final

The biggest upset of the night comes in the post-game interview when Nick Saban says he’s “satisfied” with his team’s performance. What is going on?

Well, this year’s Game of the Century might have been a disappointment, and LSU will have to go to the drawing board. Hopefully with a top-rated recruiting class, a year of game planning, and a little luck, they’ll be able to make a field goal against Alabama next year.