The Impotent Satyr

"Ouch! My head of lettuce!"

"We didn't want our customer base feeling too high & mighty about themselves for choosing to abstain from animal products," says co-founder Jamie Vulva. "So we installed the auto-slapper to bring the excessive haughtiness down to acceptable levels. What's unique about it is that it only activates if it detects those high levels."





"Yeah, especially because of our 'Pay it Forward Meal Program,' we were aware from the very beginning that the cafe's patrons were walking out the door with dangerous levels of haughtiness," co-founder Kevin Rainsberry told me. "I mean, who knows what someone might do with that righteous mindset? Task themselves with convincing each state's governor to adopt a green energy policy? Go on a months-long campaign and dismantle the NRA's chokehold on American politics? Parachute into the Gaza Strip and broker peace between Israel and Palestine? No one likes that kind of person walking the streets; it's easier to squash the fly in your own home rather than your neighbor's."





The Impotent Satyr finished the interview, ate The Hokey Chokey (the special of the day), left the place feeling pretty darned positive, and was immediately swatted in the face.





As I massaged the red blot on my face, I heard Jaime condescendingly call out after me, "What were you thinking about doing?"





I turned to face her, showing my stinging cheek. "I was going to maybe solve child obesity," I replied.





"And now what are you going to do?" she pressed.





"Probably go home and play video games," I admitted, humiliated.





"That's what I thought. Now get the fuck out of my store."