Spoofs & Satire Nov 14, 2007 Children’s Letters to George W. Bush

The White House is besieged by requests from all corners, even America’s classrooms. A trove of letters to the president, discovered.

Dear President Bush,



We’re almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut. Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I’ll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She’s from Mexico but don’t tell anyone ‘cuz it’s a big secret.



Chip, age 7





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Dear President Bush,



I want a Super Soaker and Rollerblades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he’s just some fat Swede and you’re the leader of the free world. It’s no contest! Anyway, I’ve been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don’t listen.



Sonny, age 10





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Dear President Bush,



Can you really turn back time? Mommy’s life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don’t accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn’t exist. It’s a paradox.



Ashley, age 8





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Dear President Bush,



There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it’s too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It’s small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.



Gene, age 9





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Dear President Bush,



Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I’ll vote for you forever, I promise!



Hank, age 10





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Dear President Bush,



I’m hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can’t afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!



Conny, age 7





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Dear President Bush,



I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I’m not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It’s not fair!



Teddy, age 9





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Dear President Bush,



Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.



Zack, age 8

