PORTLAND, OR—In response to their competitor Nike’s new marketing campaign featuring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Adidas reportedly unveiled former police officer Darren Wilson Tuesday as the new face of the brand. “Darren Wilson represents the values that Adidas stands for—the values of true-blue, patriotic Americans,” said spokesperson Victor Donnelly at a press conference where Adidas displayed a new 30-second black-and-white ad spot featuring close-ups of Wilson, Timothy Loehmann, John Rogers, Andrew Hutchins, and several other police officers who were acquitted in the shooting deaths of unarmed African American men with the new slogan “Believe You’ll Walk Away Scot-Free” superimposed over their faces. “Whether you’re walking carefully through a crime scene to plant a gun on someone or sprinting after a suspect so you can shoot him in the back, Adidas offers the most comfortable, form-fitting, breathable attire for high-performance police work. In these controversial times, brands like Adidas must take a stand, and wherever you go from now on, if you hear or see the word ‘Adidas,’ we want you to think of Darren Wilson.” At press time, Adidas’ stock price was soaring after a massive increase in sales.

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