Epstein, Rich Men, Old-School Christians Ask: “Doesn’t Adulthood Begin at Puberty?”

Aug 13, 2019

America’s 1% have been confused by the scandal surrounding Jeffrey Epstein.

“I read the media lies accusing him of sleeping with girls,” said our nation’s rich men. “But doesn't adulthood begin at puberty?”

America’s fundamentalist Christians echoed a similar sentiment, but just lowering the bar to a much younger age. “When Rivka was chosen to be Isaac’s wife, she was only three-years-old. Muhammad married a six-year-old. Abraham had two wives and several concubines of disputed age.”

Jeffrey Epstein, who was murdered committed suicide in his jail cell on August 10, 2019, lived for years recruiting children as sex slaves for his private island. He hung out with presidents Trump and Clinton, with princes and prime ministers and business tycoons. All of whom lived in a bubble of wealth where sex with children overflowed into their land of milk and honey, which they called Canaan: Abraham’s promised land.

“This is what wealth brings you,” said our nation’s richest Christians. “Sex, and lots of it, with young girls. Except young girls are women according to God’s Law. Your Man Law is made by a puritanical society. We live in the Old Testament here. Down with all you MeToo liberal feminists who are ruining our cherished traditions.”

Upon hearing this, Democrats were quick to mention that there are now 22 sexual allegations against Trump, many of which are from underage girls. And Trump supporters were quick to mention that Trump is Jesus and doesn’t live in the Old Testament… and that they should focus on the crimes from the Clintons instead.

One thing is for sure: thousands of young girls feel incredibly manipulated and violated by Epstein and other rich pedophiles who lived on the mountain top and claimed they were above "the commoner’s silly laws" as they raped children.