by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen.

NEW YORK, NY – MIT’s Sociological Research & Development department released a new research today proving that if you attend a Broadway show and don’t take a selfie with the Playbill covering that little mouth of yours, you didn’t actually see the show, the study confirms.





“I really thought I went,” said local theatergoer Billy Parker after what he believed was a performance of Hadestown. “I remember thinking that it was a little over-hyped, but I guess that’s because I didn’t actually see it? Science is science.”





Other than an unmarked withdrawal of the ticket price from Parker’s bank account, no records indicate that Parker attended the show. Parker’s experience is shared by many in the theatre-going community, which led to a new study funded by the Theater Development Fund.





Dr. Deborah Gifford of MIT shared the results this morning.





“There is an epidemic occurring in our theaters,” she noted while surrounded by reporters and international government officials. “You must post a selfie, specifically while expressing eager anticipation with bugged out eyes. It’s even worse for those who don’t include a caption such as ‘nope, not freaking out at all rn’ or the classic ‘back at it’ to make it clear that they’re a consistent theatergoer,” she added before taking questions, from the press.





Dr. Gifford called upon the Shubert Organization and other theater owners to post signs in their lobbies warning patrons that read “Please, for the love of God, snap a pic of yourself looking like you’re holding in a squeal with the Playbill, so everyone knows you get what all the fuss is about.” Audience members clearly took notice.





“My parents barely remember seeing the original Evita, and I don’t wanna end up like them,” said local Broadway fan Danielle Horace at a matinee of Mean Girls. “If you follow me on Instagram, you’re gonna see my selfie on my main, on my story, and there will be TBTs too soon after I see it. I’ll sleep with the Playbill hanging out of my mouth if needed.You can’t be too careful.”





At press time, lines were around the block at Feinstein’s 54 Below, where a number of organizations have teamed up to host a benefit for those who’ve lost their theater memories to graciousness, humbleness, or even just poor cell reception.