It's been a little while since we've turned the spotlight to our deformed knock-off friends, but I'm heading back to the bootlegs in order to showcase some of the most foul creations this world has ever seen.

Diving into the bowels of the action figure black market is always a dark and harrowing journey. But someone has to expose the world's worst bootlegs for what they are, and that burden has fallen on me. I urge you to turn back and never bear witness to the horrors that await. If curiosity does get the best of you, just remember, you were warned.

1. Blobman

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Let's look past the the Fruit Roll-Up hanging from Blobman's shoulders for a moment, because that is an amazing idea that would undoubtedly boost toy sales everywhere. This figure gets its name from the unfortunate shape its head has taken. I've been trying to find a nose for the last 20 minutes, but misshapen lumps are all I see. If you're a billionaire playblob with a Blobmobile, you probably don't deserve a chiseled jawline anyway. The chunks of green ooze molded into his costume and the disturbingly historic hand gesture are hardly even noticeable compared to that miserable melon of a head.

2. Grumpby

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The bootleggers who produced this figure obviously got the Hulk confused with Gumby. Little did they know they'd be creating pure nightmare fuel in the form of Grumpby, the droopy clay avatar of fear. There is something horrifyingly goofy about his eyes, and his subtle waving pose belies an undercurrent of terror. I can't imagine this figure finding a place in my home, because I'd truly cower in fear at any bump in the night.

3. Moto Ratone de Marte

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I wouldn't be surprised if actual Martians looked like this figure: hideously malformed, nauseatingly hued, and wielding a dangerous array of what appear to be "probes" of some sort. I've never hidden my adoration for Biker Mice from Mars, but I didn't realize the bootleggers would be utilizing my 3rd grade artwork for the packaging. I'm actually pretty honored.

4. Dora the Death Squad Commander

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Wanna hear something funny? The above figure is described as being in "excellent condition." I guess to some people "excellent condition" means deformed joints, battered paint, and sculpts from what could only be a short-limbed T-Rex. But the most disturbing feature of this figure is that his head looks far too much like Dora the Explorer for me to sleep at peace tonight. I just can't handle the idea of her leading an army of Imperial soldiers. "Chewey, no chewing!"

5. El Hulko

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If there's one thing the Hulk was always missing, it was guns. You can tell by his expression just how frustrating it is to finally get the guns he so desires, but be completely unable to use them thanks to his permanently-closed fists. Or maybe he's just upset that both Mr. Transvestite and Guy Gardner got equal billing on the cardback as he did.

Bootlegs are full of misery and still yet manage to bring us so much joy. You've now seen some of the worst that the action figure industry has to offer, and I only have one thing left to say to the heathens who made these blasphemies...

Knock it off.