GREENBELT, MD—In an effort to ensure that all personal effects reached their rightful owner, prison officials returned the bag of semi-automatic weapons and a detailed hit list Friday to Coast Guard terror suspect Christopher Hasson upon his release. “Here you are, sir—your silencers, your sniper rifles. Anything else you might be missing?” said an unnamed prison guard, carefully checking the storage area where convicts’ belongings are kept before officially signing Hasson out on the clipboard of releases kept nearby. “Hold on, was there more than one list? This one just has Joe Scarborough and Nancy Pelosi on it—I feel like there were more people you wanted to murder. Oops, never mind I just saw that there are some names of Democratic politicians, Supreme Court justices, and media figures to kill written on the back. Wait, here are your narcotics and human growth hormone, don’t want to forget those! Are these rounds of ammunition yours? All of them? Really? Wow, okay. Cool. Have a good one.” At press time, several officers were helping Hasson carry his belongings to an unregistered vehicle.

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