For the past few months, the Democrats have been accusing Republicans of waging a “war on women” as if some honest disagreements between the parties — over matters like how an “Obamacare” mandate should affect religious institutions or the proper scope of federal law on tribal land — constitute a deliberate GOP campaign to take away women’s rights.

Ah yes. The record-setting 50 percent increase in anti-choice laws enacted around the country in 2011—plus nearly 1,000 more bills that were introduced but failed to pass? That time Michele Bachmann threatened to shut down the whole federal government until Planned Parenthood was defunded? Nothing more than "honest disagreements."

At this time, I would like to point out that Rep. Bachmann is one of the authors of this Republican erotica, and she is not known for her historical acumen, so it's probably unfair to point out the jaw-dropping inaccuracy of this often repeated lie that Democrats cooked up this "War on Women" talking point a few months ago.

Quite the opposite is true. With the exception of a few Democratic women in the House, the party—including the White House—refused to acknowledge that such a war existed. Women started using the term shortly after Republicans took control of the House after the 2010 election, but it wasn't until recently that the Democratic Party was semi-willing to use such language, and even then, there has not been unanimous agreement among the politicians and strategists of the party as to whether there is a war and whether to call it such. The plain truth is that the Democratic Party only started referencing this was because outside-the-Beltway women had been screaming their heads off about it for more than a year and the party finally, belatedly, realized that acknowledging it just might have some political benefits with that big bloc of lady voters, aka, the majority.

But now the lady Republicans insist that of course they would never belong to a party that attacked women:



Let’s face it: Republican women — like us — would never be part of a party that didn’t believe in women’s rights, equal pay for equal work and strong laws against sexual violence. The Republican Party believes in all of those things.

That must be another "old joke," because the Republican Party—including signatories to this column—have voted against bills to strengthen and enforce equal pay for equal work, like the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and the Paycheck Fairness Act. They've also attempted to redefine rape and block renewal of the Violence Against Women Act.

In fact, if they could point to any specific bill they've sponsored or even voted for that would demonstrate one iota of a pro-woman agenda, presumably, they would. But they don't, because they can't. So instead, they offer nonsense like this:



We fired the first woman speaker of the House, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, because we didn’t like the direction Democrats were taking our country — on the economy, on health care and especially on the debt.

Yeah, because nothing says "pro-woman agenda" like boasting about firing women. This also is not something to brag about:



We’re also the only party in the past 25 years to nominate a woman for vice president.

The godmother of this new "feminist" movement, for example, wanted women to pay for their own rape exam kits, slashed funding for a program to help teen mothers, and opposed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act to help enforce pay equity laws because it was merely a "a boon for trial lawyers."

Putting a vagina on a ticket is not ipso facto evidence of pro-womanosity. Especially when that vagina is named Sarah Palin, and she's never met a policy she wasn't on the wrong side of , regardless of the feminist language she wraps herself in:

Of course, since Republicans really have no other "proof" of how much they love the ladies, they invoke this tired old falsehood that the Palin pick was historic and shows how Republicans are the real pioneers of equality. Which works—if you completely ignore that Democrats put a woman on the ticket a quarter century earlier. Other than that, though ... Yup. Totally historic.

The lady Republicans close with this threat:



We, the House Republican women, will continue to advocate for the positive solutions that women want — and America needs. If the Democrats think we’ll be silent on women’s issues — or any issue — they should think again.

Well, what women want is for Republicans to stop fighting for laws that restrict women's rights, as such radical feminists as Sens. Lisa Murkowski, Kay Bailey Hutchison and John McCain have said . But at least these ladies are saying they won't be silent—because that would be a nice change from the current Republican practice of only allowing men to speak on "women's issues."

Which reminds me of another old joke:



Knock knock.

Who's there?

Shut up, stupid girl!

Shut up stupid girl who?

No, just shut up, stupid girl.

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Get it? Women are stupid and should shut up! Hahahahahah!

If you think that's hilarious—and feministical—you must be a lady Republican.