compiled by Rivers McCown

I GUESS THIS MAKES YOU CHRISTIAN LAETTNER AND EDDIE HOUSE, RESPECTIVELY

"Dream Team." -- Newly signed Eagles quarterback Vince Young (Philadelphia Sports Daily)

"I feel like we are the Miami Heat of the NFL..... Except we win the final game...." -- Newly signed Eagles defensive end Jason Babin (Twitter, actually readable if you highlight the text)

IF YOU TRY TO TAKE ONE OF THE STARRED HELMETS, GEORGE TEAGUE WILL LEVEL YOU

"This team has been around 51 years, and it's a great tradition. You have to earn the right to wear that star, and we're very clear with the players about that. Just because you sign with the Dallas Cowboys doesn't mean you earned that thing yet." -- Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett, on his motivational technique to keep stars off the helmets of rookies (ESPN Dallas)

JUST LIKE DOUBLE JEOPARDY, ONLY WITH MORE INCOMPLETIONS

"I actually have very little faith in Mark Sanchez. Nah, let me stop playing, I wouldn’t say that about my guy. I had to just throw you guys a loophole." -- Jets receiver Santonio Holmes, on his confidence in the young Jets quarterback (Sports Radio Interviews)

EASY AS ONE, TWO, THREE FLYERS RIGHT SET ON EIGHT!

"What used to be ‘Trips Right Zebra Left [something, something] X Dagger Y Shallow Cross Fake 40’ is now ‘Zero Right Slot Ride 126 Z Snag X Quick Out" -- New Titans quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, on the terminology changes between moving from Seattle to Tennessee (ESPN AFC South Blog)

THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL FOR SISQO

"I think he knew it was time. He knew I was ready. He saw me through last year. The highs and the lows and said ‘alright it’s time to unleash you.’ That’s what makes a great coach. He’s going to do what is right for the players and that’s why he has a long tenure in the NFL." -- New Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb, on why Andy Reid was willing to let him go (Sports Radio Interviews)

WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW PUBLICLY FINANCED STADIUM, SIR?

"Does anybody feel just a little bad about calling me cheap last year? Just a smidgen?" -- Panthers owner Jerry Richardson, after his offseason spending spree (Carolina Growl)

NOBODY'S USING IT? WHAT A DUKE-TASTROPHE!

"I mean I hear them all the time. You know, I go with a few of them. I mean, there’s some that kind of catch you off guard, like Aguzman or something like that. You’re like ‘who?’ But you know, I go with a few of them." -- New Eagles cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha, on people trying to pronounce his name correctly (Sports Radio Interviews)

NOTE TO SELF: CHECK PATRIOTS INJURY REPORT RELIGIOUSLY TO SEE IF AARON HERNANDEZ DEVELOPS A STOMACH VIRUS

"I drive a Toyota Prius, so I was going to let him use my Prius on the weekends, and that's about the best I can do right now. I have some left over McDonald's coupons since I don't eat there anymore." -- Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, on offering compensation to teammate Aaron Hernandez for giving up number 85 to him (AP)

ONE WAY FOR HOUSTON TO FINALLY ADDRESS NOSE TACKLE

"I’ll take those touchdowns and I’ll take that production so Mike Lombardi can call it whatever he wants. He can come out here; I’ve never seen him at practice before so, he might have a different take on it if he’s not 2000 miles away commenting on something he’s never seen before." -- Texans tackle Eric Winston on Mike Lombardi's comments that the Texans are "soft" (Texans Chick)

2, 4, 6, 8, TRADE A HIGH DRAFT PICK FOR A SLIGHT UPGRADE!

"We want Orton!" -- Subtle Chad Henne detractors at Miami's scrimmage at Sun Life Stadium (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)

OR MAYBE THEY WON'T, AND IF THEY DON'T, THEN MAYBE WE'LL POSSIBLY BE HAPPY WITH WHAT WE'VE GOT

"I think we’re gonna go with this group. I feel pretty good about them. We have some playmakers both at the tight end position and the wide receiver position. I think this group will get us where we want to go. You always trying to look at things and trying to improve but barring any unforeseen situation coming up this is the group we’re gonna roll with. Things could change." -- Vikings coach Leslie Frazier on if the team will be able to replace Sidney Rice (Sports Radio Interviews)

OR IF YOU DON'T HAVE A POSSE

"Don't fight if. You don't know how." -- New 49ers wide receiver Braylon Edwards, allegedly tweeting before his posse started a fight with staff. Edwards would later claim his Twitter was hacked (Deadspin)

MY DAD ALWAYS PREFERRED TO USE BOOKFACE

"I don't Twitter, I don't MyFace, I don't do any of those things, so I'd probably be the last to know." -- Patriots coach Bill Belichick, when asked of Ochocinco's social media habits (AP)

DOUG FARRAR HAS PROBABLY DREAMT OF DOING THE SAME TO TIM RUSKELL

"He ran in the room and punched me [when he heard the news] and ran out of the room crying, so I get it, I get it." -- Seahawks general manager John Schneider on how his son reacted to Hasselbeck's defection to Tennessee (Shutdown Corner)

ONLY FOR THE LAST TIN OF ANCHOVIES ON THE PLANET

"Could you have turned that down?" -- Panthers defensive end Charles Johnson, with a laugh, on his new contract that pays him a $30 million signing bonus (AP)

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