The lay media has to take Michael Cohen’s story at face value, I guess. Cohen tells the New York Times that he, personally, paid Trump’s alleged porn side-piece, Stormy Daniels, $130,000 out of his own pocket. It was not a “campaign contribution,” says Cohen.

Why? He won’t say. Did Trump know? Cohen says “No.” Folks: Michael Cohen’s OFFICIAL STORY is that he paid a porn star Trump wasn’t having an affair with $130,000 to “protect his client” even though the client never asked him to do it.

Dear mainstream media: THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED! THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED! MOB LAWYERS DON’T DO THAT! Stop pretending that Michael Cohen’s story has even the slightest veneer of credibility. If Michael Cohen told you the Earth was flat, would you act like it could be true? There is simply NO possible theory of events that would result in a $130,000 payment on behalf of your BILLIONAIRE client that the client doesn’t know about. No lawyer does that. There is ZERO CHANCE that’s how this went down.

Cohen’s “admission” to the New York Times IS designed to protect his client, now. Cohen is protecting Trump from having to answer for the HUSH MONEY PAYMENT HE ALLEGEDLY MADE TO A PORN STAR!

It’s clear that Cohen is willing to sacrifice his reputation and risk disbarment to protect Trump’s reputation, which is funny because Trump is basically defamation-proof at this point. NOTHING you say about Trump could damage his standing any further among those who already hate him. And, evidently, nothing you can say about him will damage his reputation with those who have decided to support him. Cohen is throwing himself on a grenade to protect a guy who is invincible.

Still, we should take the idiot up on his offer. Disbar this man IMMEDIATELY. Cohen’s (not credible in any way) admission would be a clear ethics violation if he did what he said he did (which, again, he didn’t). The American Bar Association’s ethics rules plainly state this in Rule 1.8 (e), describing the “client-lawyer relationship”:

(e) A lawyer shall not provide financial assistance to a client in connection with pending or contemplated litigation, except that: (1) a lawyer may advance court costs and expenses of litigation, the repayment of which may be contingent on the outcome of the matter; and (2) a lawyer representing an indigent client may pay court costs and expenses of litigation on behalf of the client.

Get Michael Cohen the hell on out of here. Jesus Christ, IT’S CALLED ACCOUNTABILITY!

Cohen either clearly lied OR clearly violated professional ethics. Either way, he should be PUNISHED. NOW. Start the wheels turning on his ass NOW.

And stop repeating his idiot “confession.” Freaking ISIS could “take responsibility” for the Stormy Daniels payment and I’d believe it before this hot mess from Michael Cohen.

Trump’s Longtime Lawyer Says He Paid Stormy Daniels Out of His Own Pocket [New York Times]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.