ONE SALIVA BUBBLE David Lynch Mark Frost first draft 5/20/87 O N E S A L I V A B U B B L E FADE IN: INT. HIGH-TECH TRACKING STATION - NIGHT A top-secret, experimental, offensive/defensive military installation hidden away in the countryside outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. CLOSE on a beautiful, intricate, state of the art computer panel as it is lifted out of a large console. A huge, dimly lit display board, sporting a galaxy of small running lights, looms above. The panel's removal creates a large, vulnerable opening, inside of which is a massive confluence of electronics. As a small group of refined, well-groomed SCIENTISTS studiously examine the removed panel, their intense concentration is periodically disrupted by the hysterical guffaws of a nearby group of three uniformed SECURITY GUARDS, who appear to be refugees from the Neolithic period. The Guards, totally oblivious to the Scientists, are regaling each other with pitiful and infantile jokes. GUARD #1 ... so she said to him, "poo- poo on your pee-pee". The Guards explode like a pack of howling hyenas. The Scientists glance over at them with a look that seems to say, "How is it possible for us to be sharing the same planet?" GUARD #2 Did you just cut a big one or is Suzie back in town? Guard #3, the biggest Neanderthal of the bunch, stops laughing long enough to contribute a rude, tounge-flapping raspberry, during the course of which ... CUT TO: CLOSE ON FLAPPING TONGUE Unbeknownst to him, Guard #3 jettisons a perfect saliva bubble out into the air and we follow it through space, across the room, past the unknowing, refined, well-groomed Scientists and down into the microscopic copper wires, creating a tiny, seemingly insignificant electrical short circuit, which will soon prove to have monumental consequences. CUT TO: CLOSEUP COMPUTER CONTROL PANEL Unnoticed by anyone in the room, a small, yellow light emitting diode blinks on, then blinks off. CUT TO: EXT. EARTH'S STATOSPHERE - NIGHT A simple, streamlined satellite, which resembles nothing so much as a large red onion surrounded by a hula-hoop, suddenly stops, then spins on its axis. As we MOVE IN CLOSE on the satellite we hear a loud metallic CLICK, and a small panel slides open revealing a digital clock with a readout of: 24:00. Another CLICK and the clock begins to count down. CUT TO: EXTREME CLOSE UP On the bubble rhythmically pulsating between the two copper wires. Bubble MUSIC begins and we roll CREDITS. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE, KANSAS - MORNING A billboard beside the highway on the outskirts of town reads: WELCOME TO NEWTONVILLE LIGHTING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD ... WE'RE ZAPPY TO SEE YOU !!! pop. 43,108 Behind the billboard, two lightning bolts crack the dry desert sky, followed by a peal of distant thunder, under which FADES IN the melodic strains of a happy country waltz. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - MORNING A gigantic, old red barn, its roof adorned by a huge, cement roller skate, whose weatherworn wheels revolve lazily in the warm morning sun. Neon sparks spray out from under the wheels. A sign under the skate reads: GET A CHARGE ON OUR LIGHTNING FAST SPEEDWAY! CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - MORNING BIG TOM and WOODY, the rink's proprietors, sit on a small balcony overlooking the rink, directly above the concession stand, manned by RANDY, a pear-shaped menial. Randy pours two coffees, under the critical supervision of Woody, a man particularly obsessive about the preparation of his java. WOODY One lump you idiot. RANDY How many lumps? WOODY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG TOM (leaning down, kindly) Randy, defrost the "Beefy Cheese Louise". RANDY Yes, sir. Randy moves to a refrigerator, plastered with a garish sign that reads: "HOT AND JUICY BEFFY CHEESE LOUISE" He opens it, revealing neatly arranged rows of bright yellow, cheese-covered hamburger patties. Big Tom and Woody sit back, sip their coffee, gazing out at the lone COUPLE skating around the rink. BIG TOM Not bad business for a Wednesday. Woody looks nervously at his watch, hardly reassured. CUT TO: EXT. ROLLER RINK - MORNING MOVING off the huge skate, we travel down the road and can't help but notice the large, rotating, neon lightning rod on top of an electric pink, pearlescent stucco building. The sign below the rod reads: NNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD COMING SOON SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON Ominous jazz MUSIC fades up and out as we pass Vinnie's. Across the street, on the marquee of the Rialto Theatre we see the words: ONE WEEK ONLY THE FABULOUS CHINESE ACROBATS FROM THE FAR PROVINCES DISSOLVE TO: EXT. USED CAR LOT - MORNING The sign above reads: LUCKY BUCK'S USED CARS AND TRUCKS: 14U DON'T PASS THE BUCK A YOUNG COUPLE examines a used Rambler, parked outside the sales office. CUT TO: INT LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - MORNING WALLY NEWTON, a forty year old milquetoast salesman, wilts under the stern finger of his boss, militaristic, ramrod-stiff LUCKY BUCK. LUCKY BUCK Before you fall out for chow, you yellow-bellied, jelly-spine, you march directly out there, soldier, engage the enemy, and DON'T let them look under the hood. WALLY (quivering) But, but the engine -- LUCKY BUCK Mister, the only BUT I want to hear from you is, "my butt's out there selling that vehicle". Move out! WALLY Yes sir, Lucky Buck. Wally heads directly out the door. The door closes. Lucky Buck watches him go. INTERCUT: LUCKY BUCK'S POV Wally moves to the Couple, engages them in a conversation we don't hear. The Husband points to the hood. Wally nervously glances back at Lucky Buck, who stares at him. Wally pulls his neck in and opens the hood. Lucky Buck shakes his head in dismay, mutters ... LUCKY BUCK Mister, you are one sorry piece of poop. CUT TO: INT. RAMBLER HOOD Empty. No engine. CUT TO: EXT. COMPANY "B" - DAY A large, imposing, 30's style, concrete office building, topped by a gigantic, blue: "B" CUT TO: INT. COMPANY "B" - DAY The lobby reception area; blue carpet, blue walls. Two EMPLOYEES pass by the RECEPTIONIST, all wearing standard company issue yellow uniforms that sport a big blue "B" on the lapel. Looking through the glass front doors we see HORTON THURSBY, a man who from a distance you might mistake for Wally Newton, until you get close enough to feel his radioactively terrifying aura of twisted, homicidal power. His eyes are like black, malignant bumblebees. His sport coat is a hundred decibels. The doors fly open as if to flee from him and he enters without breaking his juggernaut stride. The Receptionist, who on the face of it appears she could give him a run for his money, looks up as he reaches the desk. HORTON Horton Thursby. RECEPTIONIST I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name. HORTON (extremely ominous) What did you say? RECEPTIONIST I s-s-said, no one here, that name. HORTON Because that's my name, tubby. RECEPTIONIST (nailed to her chair) W-who shall I say is calling? HORTON (leaning in very close) Horton Thuraby. Panicked, she rifles through her appointment book and slams her finger down when she finds ... RECEPTIONIST Uh-huh, I s-s-see your name right here. HORTON I have a pointment with Mr. Biggs, bean brain. RECEPTIONIST Indeed you do, of course you do, you certainly do, he's expecting you, he's set aside the time to -- HORTON (a finger in her face) That's enough. RECEPTIONIST (nods vigorously, can't look at him, points) Ma-Mr. Thuraby, if you'd like to take the Ex-exec-executive Elevator -- Horton's already making a beeline for the elevator; its doors zip open and shut behind him as he enters. CUT TO: INT. EXECUTIVE ELEVATOR Horton stands underneath a speaker, piping out insipid Muzak. His icy stare travels up to the speaker. It sputters, gasps and goes silent. His gaze moves back down. CUT TO: EXT AIRPORT, ZURICH, SWITZERLAND - DAY Deep, deep snow and more falling. The Matterhorn is visible in the distance. A sign reads: ZURICH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ALWAYS ON TIME Lederhosen clad PORTERS on skis carry in the curbside luggage of passengers arriving in a variety of sleds and toboggans. A small herd of bell-clad COWS part as a horse-drawn sleigh pulls up and out hops a sprightly, middle-aged, bright-eyed, frizzy-haired genius, PROFESSOR HUGO ZINZERMACHER. He walks up to the DRIVER and hands him a note. HUGO International Airport, please. The Driver looks at him, looks at the note. The note reads: "PLEASE TAKE THE PROFESSOR TO ZURICH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT" The Driver turns back to the Professor. DRIVER You are here. HUGO That may be, however I have a plane to catch. DRIVER Please. This IS the airport. The Professor looks around, looks back at the Driver. HUGO Thank you so much. He takes off his coat, hands it to the Driver and gets back into the sleigh. The Driver exhales heavily. CUT TO: INT. ZURICH AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY Doors open, the Driver hustles the Professor in through the doors, carrying his bag and coat. Two young clean-cut men, BERT FINE and MEL GLEASON, both in bright blue uniforms with a big yellow "A" on the label, spot the Professor, rush across the terminal to him. BERT Professor Zinzermacher? HUGO (cheerfully) No, I'm Professor Zinzermacher. Bert and Mel look at each other. The Driver shakes his head, hands the bag and coat to Bert and Mel and walks away. HUGO (CONT'D) I am Professor Hugo Zinzermacher. Hugo you way und I'll go mine. He extends a hand. They each shake it. Under the following wails the low, sonorous boom of an Alpine horn. BERT Bert Fine. MEL Mel Gleason. It's an honor to meet you, sir. HUGO You boys seemed a bit confused at first. BERT It's a long flight from Kansas, we're a little jet lagged. CUT TO: BERT, MEL AND THE PROFESSOR Mel looks at his watch. MEL That's us. Have your ticket, Professor? HUGO Well, I don't mind if I do. What kind? Mel and Bert look at each other again. BERT Would you mind going through your pockets, Professor -- MEL And see if you're in possession of an airline ticket to Kansas. HUGO (with a faraway look) What if we relate the vector on a parallelogram, equidistant to but not exceeding the bifurcation of the remaining cardinal coordinates? BERT Mel, go through his coat -- MEL (searching him) You can bet that plane's going to leave on time. BERT There was something in the report about his socks ... They both kneel down and each pulls up a pant leg, revealing droopy socks of vastly different colors. One sock yields a toothbrush and the other a crumpled airline ticket which Mel immediately grabs. MEL Let's move. They each grab one of Hugo's arms and start running him towards the gate. CUT TO: Meanwhile, back in Newtonville, Kansas... INT. COMPANY "B" BOARDROOM - DAY Thwack! A telescoping pointer in the hand of Company "B"'s CEO, MR. BIGGS, smacks into a lifesize photograph of Professor Zinzermacher on the wall of the Company "B" boardroom. In the photograph, the Professor's shoelaces are wildly askew. His rumpled, tweed suit is encrusted with food. His frizzled hair looks like a bird's nest. A small retinue of yellow-clad FUNCTIOMARIES sit at the conference table, giving Horton, at the far end, a wide berth. MR. BIGGS He can't even tie his own shoes, yet he's one of the greatest minds of Western Civilization, and who's got him? Company "A"!! According to Mr. Posthole, our worthy mole who's penetrated the innermost sanctums of Company "A" -- CAMERA drifts over and finds MR. POSTHOLE, the Company "B" spy, a shifty blonde guy in brick-thick black hornrims. MR. BIGGS (CONT'D) -- they've purchased Professor Zinzermacher's brainpower for their covert Center for Advanced Nucleacly Abritrary Permutations Experimentation, also known as C.A.N.A.P.E. Yes, they've got the Professor. But, ladies and gentlemen, not for long, because we've got Mr. Horton Thursby. Everyone smiles and all eyes turn to Horton. He doesn't flinch. MR. BIGGS (CONT'D) Thursby, this ... is your target. CLOSE on Horton, as he squints at Hugo's picture. CUT TO: HORTON'S POV Hugo's picture comes into focus and cross-hairs appear between his eyes, as if looking through the telescopic sight of an elephant gun. CUT TO: HORTON As he lights a cigarette, inhales a big drag. His eyes flit back to Mr. Biggs. HORTON It's your money. The Functionary nearest to Horton subtly moves the tabletop "THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING" plaque out of Horton's sightline. CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT Mel and Bert are asleep under blankets, both smiling blissfully, but their sleep becomes more troubled and they are eventually woken by an atrociously loud cellophane rustling SOUND. The Professor is trying desperately to open a small airline bag of peanuts. CUT TO: EXT. VALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY Wally drives his 1950 two-tone, four-door Pontiac Firechief into the driveway of his modest house. He stops the car, cuts the engine and cautiously peers out the window. Silence. He carefully opens the car door, trying to minimize all sounds, gets out and tip-toes towards the front door. Out of nowhere, flies a tiny, yapping Pekinese dog, sporting a yellow ribbon in its hair and baring its hideous little teeth. Wally breaks into a sprint and is about to reach the door when the dog overtakes him and clamps its jaws onto one of his ankles. Wally wildly flails his leg around, trying to dislodge the beast, finally succeeds and sends it soaring into the air over a hedge. Wally bolts into the house, slamming the door behind him, just as the dog jets back on the attack, making a hair net out of the screen door. CUT TO: INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY Wally catches his breath, turns. A savage cry is heard and his son, GORDIE, rolls out from behind an overstuffed chair and empties a toy machine gun at his father's chest and head. Wally just stands there. POLLY'S VOICE Where have you been? Do you realize what time it is? (appearing around a corner) I'll tell you what time it is, Gordie, what time is it? Gordie activates his talking military digital. WATCH VOICE Sixteen hundred hours. Time to bivouac. POLLY Sometimes I think you're stupider than your Cousin Newt, don't you realize what we were supposed to do tonight? GORDIE Newt's an idiot. POLLY We were supposed to look at our video BEFORE dinner so we could practice DURING dinner. I suppose you forgot the wine, too. WALLY I had a -- POLLY Are you going to give me an excuse? You were going to give me an excuse, weren't you? Wally? Do I look like the type of person who'd be interested in an excuse? Demoralized, Wally slouches towards his overstuffed chair, reaching under his left arm to scratch. POLLY (CONT'D) Don't you touch that rash! You'll keep me up all night with your scratching! (Wally slumps in the chair) If I was really interested in hearing some pitiful story don't you think I'd ask to hear it? Do I look like the type of person who lives in a fantasy world? Look at me, Wally. Wally, look at me when I'm talking to you, what do you see? Hmm? (Wally shakes his head) Do you see a poor, tired housewife, holding our lives together by sheer force of will, who received today a phone call? A phone call from your rich relatives up at the Manor who didn't otherwise even know I'm alive, who asked ME to ask YOU to please pick up your idiot cousin Newt tomorrow at the airport? Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? She stands and screams towards the ceiling, repeatedly. Wally covers his eyes and face with his hands. When he uncovers them, Gordie is right in front of him, assuming the classic police stance. He fires six quick rounds from his toy pistol, emptying the magazine point blank at Wally's head. CUT TO: A TV MONITOR CLOSE on the grainy image of a sophisticated couple seated at a candlelit table. Syrupy MUSIC and a dry, industrial film NARRATOR over ... NARRATOR'S VOICE Sniff the cork along with us now and let its heady bouquet transport you into the Wonderful World of Wine Tasting! Part Two. (big music cue) Wally and Polly sit facing the television, each holding a large glass of red wine, staring attentively at the screen. Wally wears an apron that says: DON'T BOTHER ME I'M COOKING NARRATOR'S VOICE (CONT'D) You've made your selection, and by the sommelier's sly little smile you know he approves. The wine's been decanted, it's had a chance to b-r-e-a-t-h-e. It sits, poised in your glass, a ruby nectar beckoning your lips. (hushed tones) Now, band forward ... a little further ... a little further, that's right ... Wally and Polly follow the actions of the couple on the screen. NARRATOR'S VOICE (CONT'D) Extend the neck ... imagine your lips forming the perfect letter "o" ... lower the "o" to the rim ... now, remember the babbling brook ... The couple on screen LOUDLY SUCKS UP AIR AND WINE, making a weird fluted whistling sounds. Wally and Polly mimic it. NARRATOR'S VOICE (CONT'D) ... and again ... Both couples repeat the action. CUT TO: EXT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY CLOSE on a sign that reads: SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM A fierce wind is howling, violently waving a tree limb in front of the sign. CUT TO: INT. SOOTHING BREEZES OFFICE - DAY DR. ANGELA RUTHERFORD, in a sharp, tailored tweed suit, is consulting with the sanitarium's administrator, DR. ETHAN FLORD. As they speak, he watches the fish in a small aquarium on his desk. Angela holds a thermos of coffee. ANGELA So all I really need is your signature here, Dr. Flord, and we can release Newt Newton for his annual visit home. She puts a form in front of him on the desk. DR. FLORD You know, he's not even left us yet and it's as if I miss Newt already. When I'm with him, of course I'm always with him in spirit, as I am with all our patients, even now, against all evidence to the contrary, I sense some small spark of mental activity behind those bulging eyes. Perhaps this is a projection on my part. A projection filled with a physician's unquenchable hopefulness. ANGELA Uh-huh. DR. FLORD Has it been a year already? It seems it was only last week when he was flying off to the bosom of his family, when in fact three hundred and sixty five days, give or take a few -- this wasn't a leap year was it? No, of course not. Ah, remembrances -- remembrances. Fighting off the wave of crippling boredom and mental exhaustion induced by the Doctor's monotone, Angela quickly pours a large cup of coffee, stifling a yawn. ANGELA I only need your signature -- DR. FLORD Was it March of last year when my Aunt was fitted for her prosthesis? I suppose it was. What a difference it made, how it changed her! In ways one couldn't possibly imagine. First, the new carpeting. Inexplicable perhaps, at first glance. But on closer scrutiny, however, an underpinning of rationality seemed to emerge. Angela takes a big gulp of coffee, grabs an arm of a chair and lowers herself into it, struggling to keep her eyes open. The fish in the aquarium begin to slow perceptibly. ANGELA Only your signature. Please, Doctor. DR. FLORD (looking at his hands) As if creation, splintered into a hundred million realities, was actually nothing less than the complicated interweavings ... (locking his fingers together) ... of one, grand design. Well-hidden, mind you, but upon deeper examination, open the doors ... (he opens his hands and wiggles his fingers) ... and there's all the people. (a small, vanilla chuckle) And of course that's when I realized Aunt Hildy had friends and had purchased a pet. Which brings me back to Newt. Isn't it odd how every Newton since Newt's Grandad has been struck by lightning? Newt's Grandad was struck by lightning. He's a complete idiot. Newt's father was struck by lightning. He's no longer with us. And of course Newt was struck by lightning and by golly, he's a complete idiot. And all of them were named Newton. Newton Newton. Newton Newton. Newton Newton ... We hear the SOUND of liquid pouring slowly onto the carpet. We see Angela's relaxed hand tipping her coffee cup towards the floor. We see Angela is sound asleep. A fish in the aquarium slowly rolls and goes belly up. DR. FLORD (CONT'D) Those eyes. Those bulging, happy puppy eyes. CUT TO: NEWT NEWTON'S EYES Bulging. Happy, gleaming puppy eyes. We periodically and rhythmically hear the SOUND of breaking eggs. With each crack his eyes widen. CUT TO: INT. SOOTHING BREEZES CORRIDOR - DAY Angela is leaning over a drinking fountain, splashing cold water onto her face, trying to shake off Dr. Flord's torpor. She moves on and stops to speak to a PATIENT standing in the hall, dressed as and in fact bearing an uncanny resemblance to Napoleon. ANGELA Have you seen Newt? PATIENT Helping out in ze kitchen. Assemble all ze men; tomorrow we march on Moscow. ANGELA Thank you, your Highness and good luck tomorrow. PATIENT We will need it; zose beasts haf no souls. I hope ze weather holds. I saw Bing Crosby in a dream. She moves on towards the kitchen. CUT TO: INT. SOOTHING BREEZES KITCHEN - DAY We see a COOK pick up an egg, crack the egg on top of Newt's head and empty it into a huge bowl. We MOVE around and down the customized chair Newt is strapped into, to his right knee; as we hear another egg crack, Newt's knee jerks up and hits a pedal device that flips a pancake on a long, conveyor-belt griddle. We follow the pancakes on the beltway to he end of the line where another COOK spatulas the pancakes onto the plates of seven ravenous but polite PATIENTS, all dressed as Jesus, passing the maple syrup back and forth. THE JESUSES (variously) Thank you, Brother -- you're too kind -- don't mention it -- Angela enters and moves to the first Cook. ANGELA Unstrap Newt, I've got his sock in the car -- (to Newt) Time to go home, Newt. NEWT Can I pee? ANGELA Yes, in just a moment, Newt. NEWT (a happy eye-roll) Rock' em-sock' em. CUT TO: INT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY A door opens, Newt sprints down the hallway and into a door, marked with the symbol: Angela cools her heels outside the door. CUT TO: EXT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY Angela and an ORDERLY walk Newt to a waiting van. The Orderly is steering the meandering, easily distracted Newt by a handle attached to the back of his jacket. Just above the handle are the embroidered words: GIMME FIVE Angela hands the Orderly a plane ticket. ANGELA Be sure to walk him onto the plane yourself, fasten his seatbelt, remember to tell the Stewardess no liquids for Newt and don't let them check his sock, it's carry on. His cousin Wally will be there to meet him in newtonville. (turns to Newt) Newt, the whole staff will miss you and I'll miss you, too. NEWT Two. Zero. One. Two -- She grabs Newt by the shoulders. ANGELA Have a wonderful time at home, Newt. Angela gives Newt a big kiss; he smiles enigmatically and tries to deck her with a roundhouse right, which she expertly ducks, and he completes his compulsive reaction to her kiss with a sly wolf whistle. The Orderly tightens his grip on Newt's handle. Angela attaches a large, adhesive badge to Newt's jacket that reads: HI MY NAME IS NEWT ARE YOU MY COUSIN WALLY? CUT TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE The satellite clicks and we see that the digital countdown readout is t-minus 12:00 and counting. CUT TO: EXT. LOADING DOCK - NIGHT We see the back of a large semi packed solid with large bricks of a yellow substance, wrapped in waxy paper. A FOREMAN with a clipboard walks back and forth as the two DRIVERS finish tidying the cargo. FOREMAN Boys, you've packed your load/ and it's time to hit the road/ Let the slowpokes eat your dust/ It's Newtonville or bust/ Let the highway be your heyday/ And I'll see you here on payday. The Drivers, who hate this rhyming business, close and lock the doors. A picture of a large wheel of bright yellow cheese is painted on the doors, along with the words: CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK The Drivers move to and enter the cab, as the Foreman works himself into a rhyming frenzy. FOREMAN (CONT'D) Please, boys, please/ Be careful with that cheese/ For the Beefy Cheese Louise/ If anything should happen/ You'll put me in a squeeze/ You'll bring me to my knees/ I could lose all my fees/ Are you sure you've got your keys? (the truck starts) Watch out for all those trees! Hi-ho, hi-ho/ I hate to see you go/ We'll see you back here soon/ Remember: Newtonville by noon! The truck thunders off into the night, obscuring the last wretched rhymes of the Post Foreman. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - NIGHT A police car is parked behind the sign: WELCOME TO NEWTONVILLE LIGHTNING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD ... WE'RE ZAPPY TO SEE YOU !!! pop. 43,108 We see a bright flash of lightning in the distance. CUT TO: INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT DOUGY "SHERLOCK" WATSON, a heavyset, easy-going Highway Patrolman, sits behind the wheel, looking up at the sky. DOUGY "SHERLOCK" WATSON Four hundred and one ... (pause -- then, more lightning) Four hundred and two ... CUT TO: INT. WALLY NEWTON'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Wally sits catatonically in his overstuffed chair, with his shirt off, his left arm raised in an uncomfortable position. A big red rash under his left arm is covered with pink lotion. The room is strewn with Gordie's toy weapons. Gordie himself is violently stomping up and down on a newspaper-stuffed dummy/enemy soldier, screaming as he guts the dummy and plunges the toy knife into its brainpan. GUCCI-GUCCI, the dreaded Pekingese, is busy rending one of Wally's argyle socks. CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT CLOSE on peanuts in the aisle, as we hear a plastic crunching SOUND. While everyone else sleeps, the Professor futilely struggles to pry open his salad dressing container with a plastic fork. CUT TO: INT. HORTON THURSBY'S ROOM - NIGHT Horton sits in his '40's noir hotel room, in a sleeveless t-shirt, boxer shorts and gartered socks, cleaning his massive, chrome-plated .357 Magnum pistol, staring holes in a picture of Professor Zinzermacher on the table in front of him. His moll, LORRAINE, an irresistible, shapely blonde bombshell, lolls on the bed, blowing kisses to the ceiling and watching them float. CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT Randy slowly cleans the concession area. Woody sits at a table near the rink, playing a beautiful, forlorn county waltz on a steel guitar. Big Tom is slowly and gracefully skating around the rink in time to the music. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT The lights around the big skate on top of the rink turn off. The distant waltz merges with the crickets. SLOW FADE OUT: FADE IN: EXT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT - DAY A huge lightning rod in the shape of a key sits atop the modest terminal. A sign on the building reads: NEWTONVILLE'S "BEN FRANKLIN" AIRPORT THE KEY TO ALL YOUR TRAVEL NEEDS BEN SAYS, " CHARGE IT!!" A black stretch limo with a big "A" on the side pulls up in front of the terminal. The stocky Cockney chauffeur, BOB McNABB, gets out, and opens the door for his petite and proper wife, ALICE, who gets out of the passenger side. Both are dressed in yellow uniforms that sport a big blue "A". BOB McNABB Watch your loaf, luv. ALICE (middle-class English) Wait here, Bobby ducks. Back in a tick with Bert, Mel and the Professor. BOB McNABB Standin' by, ready to stab it and steer. Go on, plant one on me boat. Come on then. She shyly gives him a kiss on the cheek. He gives her an affectionate hug and tickle, which makes her giggle. She starts towards the terminal. Bob admires her small, shapely figure. BOB McNABB (CONT'D) What a butcher's; makes me want to fall to me chips'ns. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOG - DAY Wally Newton pulls into a slot, parks and starts digging through the mass of Gordie's toys, piled high from the front seat to the back. He retrieves a piece of paper with some flight info on it, stuck to a huge wad of gum. The array of weaponry and Gordie-and-Polly- generated filth in the car is staggering. CUT TO: INT. BEN FRANKLIN TERMINAL - DAY Alice moves through the terminal, past a small newsstand. We PICK UP and STAY WITH Horton Thursby, lurking near the magazine rack. he sets down the copy of "DETECTIVES IN LOVE MAGAZINE" he was pretending to read and follows Alice toward the arrival gates. CUT TO: A HEINZ 57 COMPANY BANNER Near an arrival gate. The banner reads: WELCOME TO OUR 35 NEW EMPLOYEES FROM LUBBOCK, TEXAS 35 NEW REASONS WHY 57 IS NUMBER 1 We MOVE off the banner to see Horton walking away, still following Alice towards the gate. We PICK UP and STAY with Wally, as he enters through a side door, looking for a trash can. He carries a large conglomeration of hundreds of pink gum wads and other sticky car refuse. We stay with Wally until he crosses paths with a group of thirty-five robust TEXANS, all in goofy, double-knit leisure suits, carrying briefcases. Waiting to greet the Texans under the Heinz banner, beside a big black cauldron are three large CHEFS in white outfits and large chef's hats, bearing the distinctive, ketchup-red "57" logo. As the Texans approach, a TAP DANCER dressed as a bottle of Heinz 57 sauce rises out of the cauldron and begins enthusastically tap dancing to taped musical accompaniment. The Chefs shake the hands of the happy Texans and hand each of them a large bottle of steak sauce. CUT TO: WALLY Still looking for a trash can. Near another gate, he passes another welcoming committee, under another banner that reads: MAYOR BILLY BENSON IS ZAPPY TO WELCOME THE RENOWNED CHINESE ACROBATIC TEAM FROM THE FAR PROVINCES IT'S VERY RICE TO SEE YOU MAYOR BILLY BENSON and his wife, DOTTY, stand behind two BATON- TWIRLING BLONDS and a TRICK DOG jumping back and forth through a hoop. A Sousa march blares as the CHINESE ACROBATS come off the plane, all wearing identical Chinese red sweatsuits with Nehru collars. A great deal of bowing and smiling and unintelligible greetings ensues. CUT TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE The countdown on the satellite continues: it now reads: 00:10. It changes to: 00:09. CUT TO: INT ARRIVAL GATE - DAY Wally's at a trash can, trying to dislodge the sticky gum wad from his hands, when he looks out a window and spots Newt in a crowd of people exiting a plane down a portable stairway. Instead of crossing the tarmac to the terminal with the other passengers, Newt stops at the bottom of the stairs and is quickly left alone. A concerned STEWARDESS moves towards Newt. He smiles and backs up. The Stewardess stops, Newt stops. Wally watches. Within moments half a dozen assorted AIRPORT PERSONNELL are giving chase to Newt, who gleefully darts in and out around the plane's landing gear. CUT TO: HORTON (NEAR ANOTHER GATE) Positioned behind a column, watching Mel, Bert and the Professor deplane off the jetway, where they're greeted by Alice. Mel and Bert are rhythmically bobbing their heads and knees, because they have to urinate with such urgency their back teeth are floating. CUT TO: MEL, BERT, THE PROFESSOR AND ALICE As the Professor shakes Alice's hand. HUGO I am Professor Hugo Zinzermacher. Hugo your way und I'll go mine. Alice stares at him. Mel leans over to Bert and whispers. MEL I gotta pee so bad I can taste it. BERT Me too, Mel. My bladder's stretched out like a water balloon. ALICE Did you check your bag, Professor? HUGO Unfortunately no; they took it from me at the other airport. Alice stares at him again, nods slowly and turns towards the baggage claim area. CUT TO: HORTON As Alice, Mel, Bert and the Porfessor pass by, Horton cautiously follows them. CUT TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE The satellite countdown moves from: 00:04 to 00:03. CUT TO: INT. ARRIVAL GATE - DAY Two burly SECURITY GUARDS carry a rigid, smiling Newt up a jetway into the terminal to the waiting Wally. Newt sees Wally, points at him and breaks into a wild, moonbeam smile. The Guards carry him to Wally. GUARD #1 Are you his Cousin Wally? WALLY Yes, sir, I am. Where's his sock? The other Guard holds up a bulging grey sock with a red stripe. The Guards set Newt down. He and Wally immediately start to circle each other, quickly accelerating into faster and faster revolutions. They stop at the same time and break into huge, identical grins. CUT TO: INT. NEWSSTAND - DAY SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON, a middle-aged black musician is buying a big cigar from the CASHIER behind the counter. He carries a well- traveled guitar case, stenciled with the words: SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON As he moves on, lighting the stogie, HANK THE BARBER, a tall, thin man, wearing sleeve garters and a racy bow-tie, exits the Barber Shop across the corridor and moves towards the newsstand. CUT TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE The satellite countdown moves under: 00:01 and starts counting in seconds: 00:00:59. The satellite begins emitting a beeping sound which gradually increases in tempo, pitch and volume. Another panel slides open and a large, metallic nozzle slides out. CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY The baggage carousel starts revolving and bags begin to appear. We see the following groupings: Alice, the Professor, Mel and Bert. MEL We'll be right back. BERT We're going to the men's room. They begin fast-bobbing towards the men's room. Sammy "The Stomp" Johnson waits just to the right of Alice, who takes out a make-up mirror and powders her nose. Horton lurks behind a nearby column, watching the Professor. The Texans and the Chinese Acrobats are on opposite sides of the carousel, along with their respective welcoming committees. Wally leads Newt to the carousel, takes off his belt, loops it though the handle on Newt's jacket and ties it around a column. NEWT Can I pee? WALLY Soon as I get your bag, Newt. NEWT Rock' em-sock'em? WALLY (hands Newt his sock) I'll be right back, Newt. I see your bag right there. Wally starts after a plaid bag with a "SOOTHING BREEZES" tag on it, trying to dart through the Texans to reach the bag before it disappears. CUT TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE We see the satellite countdown: 00:00:03 / 00:00:02 / 00:00:01 and as it hits 00:00:00 the beeping crescendos and goes SILENT for one brief moment. Then, the satellite produces an emission.; a small burst of light shoots from the nozzle and hear a sound like a sharp slam on a ping-pong ball. CUT TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the United States. The emission, a short piece of light, enters the earth's atmosphere and heads down towards Kansas. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT - DAY The emission strikes the Ben Franklin key on top of the terminal. The key lights up and spins. CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the carousel area. The emission zooms down, strikes the carousel and a glowing four-way beam in the shape of a "X" appears. One arm of the "X" connects Horton Thursby and Wally Newton; the other arm connects Professor Hugo Zinzermacher and Newt Newton. The glowing "X" vibrates wildly and spins, sending off small pieces of the emission in various directions. One piece hits the group of Texans, bounces over and strikes the Chinese Acrobats. Another shard hits Alice, makes a sharp right and slams into Sammy "The Stomp" Johnson. A third bolt hits Alice's open make-up mirror, bounces behind her and nails Mel and Bert just as they open the door to the men's room. This piece of the emission then hits the mirror in the men's room and shoots back out into the corridor, striking the Cashier and Hank the Barber at the newsstand. The bolt continues out an open door, bounces off the three Heinz 57 Chefs, the tap dancing 57 Sauce Bottle and the Trick Dog, all standing by the curb, then smacks into the head of Bob McNabb, sitting behind the wheel of Company "A"'s limo. From there, the beam spreads out towards all of Newtonville. The three Chefs, the tap dancing Bottle and the Trick Dog are suddenly compelled to leap into Bob's limo. And Bob, as if possessed by the spirit of a mad hot rodder, puts the pedal to the metal, lays two hundred feet of rubber, slams on the breaks when he reaches a stop sign, throws it in reverse and comes roaring backwards through the pick-up area in front of the terminal. CUT TO: INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY The glowing "X" of light burns brightly; the clothes of the two opposing pairs fly off and land on the person opposite; Newt now wears the Professor's clothes and the Professor is wearing Newt's clothes. Horton Thursby is wearing Wally Newton's clothes and Wally Newton is wearing the clothes of Horton Thursby. Newt's sock flies into the Professor's hand. He immediately drops it. Horton's .357 Magnum flies across and lands in Wally's hand. He immediately drops it. The "X" hits another level of intensity and now the two pairs literally change places; Newt Newton, in the Professor's clothes, now stands next to Alice. He leans down and picks up his sock. The Professor is in Newt's clothes, strapped to the column. Wally wears Horton's clothes, lurking behind a column and Horton wears Wally's clothes, looking for Newt's bag. Horton bends down, picks up his Magnum and sticks it in the waistband of his pants. The "X" hits its brightest level and completely EVAPORATES. The carousel makes a stressful, screeching sound. Newt, the Professor, Wally and Horton blink their eyes and shake their heads, feeling confused. For no reason they can understand, the Texans are compelled to march en mass to the other side of the carousel, just as the Chinese acrobats, equally befuddled and compelled, walk around to where they Texans were standing. Alice and Sammy "The Stomp" Johnson are still standing side by side. However, their positions have been reversed, she's wearing his sharkskin suit and aviator shades and he's wearing her Company "A" dress suit. The carousel stops suddenly, smoking slightly. Stunned silence. Mayor Billy Benson is the first person who rouses himself enough to speak. He makes a few strange noises, before squeezing out the words ... MAYOR BILLY BENSON It-it-it-it-it was only lightning. Stay c-c-c-c-calm. The crowd, instantly reassured and pathetically grateful for this convenient explanation, murmurs, as one ... CROWD It was only lightning. The carousel slowly starts to revolve again. People begin to move forward to claim their luggage. CUT TO: INT. MEN'S ROOM Mel and Bert, who had been frozen near the door, shake their heads clear and bob to the urinals. CUT TO: INT. NEWSSTAND Hank the Barber picks up a newspaper and hands it to the Cashier. CASHIER The Hank, usual? HANK THE BARBER Bet you. The Cashier takes the paper, opens the cash register drawer and tries to stuff the newspaper inside. Meanwhile, Hank unwraps a candy bar and smears it in a tight circle on his forehead, near the third eye area. The Cashier takes out a handful of nickels and dimes, holds out his arm and throws the coins onto the corridor floor. The Barber and the Cashier look at each other for a moment with a look of complete blankness. The Barber spins violently and storms back to the Barbershop. CUT TO: EXT. CITY LIMITS - DAY The satellite emission beam zips towards the "Welcome to Newtonville" sign, hits the city limits, stops dead, glows brightly for a second, then disappears with a loud pop. A moment later, a semi-tractor trailer barrels down the highway, entering Newtonville. On it's back doors we see the words: CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK CUT TO: EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY High angle. Stock shot. Establish. CUT TO: INT. PENTAGON CORRIDOR - DAY CLOSE on a high-tech security door, with a sign that reads: SDI SECTION FOUR CODE SIX CLEARANCE REQUIRED CUT TO: INT. SDI SECTION FOUR - DAY MOVING along a heavily instrumented control panel, we come to rest on a blinking, and as yet undetected, red warning light. Printing above the light reads: RANDOM COLL. DEEP SPACE EMISSION CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY Horton-as-Wally, undoes the belt that holds the Professor-as-Newt to the column. He hands the plaid bag to the Professor. HORTON-AS-WALLY Time to go, Newt. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT Where? HORTON-AS-WALLY (slight pause) To the Manor? THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT I thought we would go to the ... Institute. HORTON-AS-WALLY You just came from the Institute. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT Oh, I see. They start towards an exit. CUT TO: INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice takes Newt-as-the-Professor by the arm. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE This way, Professor Zinzermacher. Newt-as-the-Professor smiles, grips his sock and they march towards the exit. Stepping out from behind the column, Wally-as-Horton shadows them. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT -DAY Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice and Newt-as-the-Professor exit the terminal to the white zone and stop at the curb. Wally-as-Horton exits after them, hanging back behind a trolly of luggage. A moment later the Company "A" limousine rockets by, the top of the Tap Dancing 57 Bottle sticks out of the sunroof. The limo screeches to a halt at the same stop sign, then shoots back past the white zone again, 70 mph in reverse, tires smoking and screaming. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE (after the limo passes) What is my husband doing ? Newt-as-the-Professor stares blissfully. Mel and Bert come hustling out of the terminal. Due to the peculiar nature of the satellite emission, they, along with everyone else affected by it, are only dimly aware that any changes have occurred. MEL Sorry we're late, Alice. A slight pause. They both look at her somewhat curiously, then dismiss whatever doubt might have arisen. MEL (CONT'D) We were bobbin' like a cork. BERT We'd been holding our water since Zurich. The limo roars by yet again at 95 mph. MEL Where's Bob going? Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice takes out a white hankie, steps to the curb. He speaks in his voice, but with Alice's accent and vocabulary. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE (waving the hankie) Yoo-hoo! Bobby! Ducks! Oh, ducks, come right over here now, we're all ready to go. The limo screams back into view, stops on a dime. Bob McNabb is a desperate man, a vessel for a twisted A.J. Foyt from Hell. His "good" side controls the foot on the break, the "demonic" side pumps the accelerator like Buddy Righ assaulting his bass drum pedal. The entire car shakes and smokes like a dragster on the starting line. BOB McNABB (eyes popping) Jump in, Mates, and make it snappy; I'm ridin' a rhino in a brushfire. Doors fly open, Mel and Bert lift Newt-as-the-Professor into the back seat with them, wedging in between the Chefs and the Tap Dancing Bottle. Stricken with a profound love, the Trick Dog instantly leaps into Newt-as-the-Professor's arms. Equally infatuated, Newt-as-the-Professor grabs the little Dog's cheeks and they smile at each other, point blank. Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice climbs into the front seat beside Bob. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE (a bit stern) Robby-ducks, remind me to speak to you about your tea consumption. It seems to be affecting your driving -- Bob can't hold back the surge any longer and the limo leaps forward like a cheetah on the trail of a leaping ibex. Wally-as-Horton comes forward to the curb, hails a cab, jumps in the back and says to the DRIVER WALLY-AS-HORTON Follow that limo! The cab starts after the limo. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY The Professor-as-Newt stands by, as Horton-as-Wally opens the door to Wally's car. Enraged with revulsion, he reaches in and with two or three violent motions sweeps Gordie's toys and Polly's garbage out of the car, spraying it into the parking lot. HORTON-AS-WALLY What a load a' crap . THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT So it would seem. Horton-as-Wally looks at him askance for a moment, then opens the door for the Professor-as-Newt, places him in the front seat and fastens his seat belt. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (CONT'D) I have a feeling we're not in Zurich anymore. HORTON-AS-WALLY You said a mouthful there, buddy. Horton-as-Wally starts the car and they drive off. CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY The limo zooms towards an intersection. The light ahead turns red. Bob slams on the breaks. The passengers tumble like ten-pins. Bob throws the limo into reverse and floors it. The passengers, just regaining their balance, get thrown again. CUT TO: INT. CAB - DAY The Taxi Driver reacts in horror as the limo shoots backwards towards him. Panicked, he puts the cab in reverse and floors it. Wally-as- Horton holds on for dear life. WALLY-AS-HORTON Did we do something wrong? CAB DRIVER (nonchalant) I see this sort'a stuff every day; the whole world's comin' apart. The limo shoots back past them, swerves, does a 360 and heads back straight for them. The Cab Driver shifts back to drive and burns rubber, the limo right on his rear fender. CAB DRIVER (CONT'D) I gotta admit though, this one's somethin' special. The cab is pushed forward down the road by the limo. They disappear over the crest of a hill. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY A palatial estate, high on a hill, hard by the sixteenth tee of the Newtonville Country Club golf course. A sign reads: NEWTON MANOR CUT TO: INT. NEWTON MANOR ENTRYWAY - DAY In the grand foyer, at the base of a grand, circular staircase, TIDMAN, a nervous, middle-aged, slightly disheveled butler is addressing the assembled Manor STAFF. TIDMAN As you know ... Newt ... is coming home. He will be arriving momentarily. You will recall two years ago, due to a former employee's negligence, one of the garages was not secured. Newt crawled into the workings of the furnace; during the six months it took to undo his handiwork we suffered through the coldest winter in recent memory. Black smoke issued from the faucets. Boiling water was found in the toilets. Thermostat circuitry was hardwired to all the baking ovens. Yes, as a result Chef Pierre did develop his "Jiffy Baked Alaska", which we've all enjoyed, he also developed a rare skin disorder from working in the 113 degree kitchen. A sheepish CHEF PIERRE, wearing heavy medical mittens and hat with asbestos ear flaps, shrugs. CHEF PIERRE Cis la'vie. TIDMAN I want the following words engraved in the core of your beings: this year there will be no such incidents. If air can reach a hidden place, so can Newt. If water can flow through a crack, there too Newt will go. Readiness. Vigilance. Perseverance. May God be with us all. CUT TO: INT./EXT. MANOR HOUSE - DAY Quick CUTS: Fine crockery's locked in high cabinets. Hallway closet doors are nailed shut. Iron grates are padlocked over air ducts. In the garage, a steel box is lowered by winch over the Rolls. In the basement, a GUARD takes his post in front of the new furnace. CUT TO: EXT. MANOR HOUSE - DAY The electric gates swing open. Horton-as-Wally drives Wally's car up the circular drive to the front walk. Tidman approaches the car, flanked by a pair of Orderlies -- IKE and MIKE -- built like refrigerators. Tidman opens the door, Ike and Mike stand by to pounce. The Professor-as-Newt looks up at them and smiles. Horton- as-Wally gets out on the driver's side. TIDMAN (a big cheesy smile) Welcome home, Master Newt. Hello, Wally. HORTON-AS-WALLY Who are the goons? TIDMAN Help for you-know-who. Come along, Newt, we've got the Rocking Horse room all ready for you. The Orderlies lift the Professor-as-Newt out of the car. He smiles at them benignly. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT Two big assistants. This is good. TIDMAN (shocked, to Wally) What a tremendous improvement. (goes to the Professor-as-Newt) Can you say anything else? THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT As I was saying to Bert and Mel, if we relate the vector on a parallelogram, allowing the azimuth to intersect but not confirm the dimensional factors contributing to the parameters of the logarithmic module, it won't necessarily be a part of it. Tidman turns back to Wally, almost relieved. TIDMAN Still an idiot. He gestures to the Goons. One of them picks up the Professor-as- Newt by the handle on his coat, the other takes his plaid bag. TIDMAN (CONT'D) Where's his sock? (he shushes himself) Never mind, let's not upset him. (quietly to Horton-as-Welly) We've got duplicates. Tidman is ready to lead the others into the Manor, when he realizes Horton-as-Wally is still standing there. TIDMAN (CONT'D) You didn't want to ... come in, did you, Wally? HORTON-AS-WALLY What did you say? TIDMAN (shocked, instantly cowed) I said, would you like to come in? HORTON-AS-WALLY What would I want to go in there for? I got a home of my own, pal. Horton-as-Wally cooly gets into the car and drives away. Tidman frowns, perplexed, then escorts the Goons and the Professor-as-Newt into the Manor. CUT TO: INT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY Tidman leads the Professor-as-Newt, his feet barely touching the floor, half-carried by Ike and Mike, into the grand foyer. The Manor Staff is assembled like shock troops about to charge enemy trenches. Some wear chest protectors, others shin guards, a few carry cans of Mace and stun guns. The Professor-as-Newt smiles at them with growing excitement. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (to Tidman) If you could show me to my room I'll start work immediately. TIDMAN (apprehensive) What did you have planned, Master Newt? THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT As you know from my letters, I hope to make a massive breakthrough. It came to me while contemplating a large, smooth concrete floors. TIDMAN Very good, Master Newt. (aside, to an Aide) Get Gordon Cole on the phone; I want a complete inventory of all our floor systems. The Aid moves off, Ike and Mike start carting the Professor-as-Newt up the grand staircase. CUT TO: EXT. COMPANY "A" - DAY A massive office building, across the street from and nearly identical to Company "B". On the roof is a gigantic yellow: "A" The limo tears up in a series of short, brutal stops and starts. Tremendous grinding SOUNDS, billowing smoke, the throttle wide open, fan belt screaming. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE Get out quick before he kills us. (screams at Bob) NO MORE TEA! I'll speak with you at home. Mel and Bert quickly help Newt-as-the Professor out of the limo. Newt-as-the Professor and the Trick Dog still cling to each other. Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice is the last one out, before the limo explodes backwards away from the curb, the three Chefs and the Tap Dancing Bottle still trapped inside. PASSERS-BY cover their ears at the excruciatingly deafening SOUND of engine and tires. CUT TO: THE TAXI Stopped across the street. The Taxi Driver hoses down his flaming engine with a fire extinguisher, while Wally-as-Horton takes out a pair of binoculars and looks through them ... INTERCUT: WALLY-AS-HORTON'S POV - BINOCULAR MATTE We see Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice, Mel, Bert and Newt-as-the Professor enter a side door in the Company "A" building. The door is flanked by two UNIFORMED GUARDS. Wally-as-Horton moves the binoculars up to read the sign above the door: C.A.N.A.P.E. Center for Advanced Nucleacly Arbitrary Permutation Experimentation A DIVISION OF COMPANY A Wally-as-Horton lowers the binoculars, puts them in his pocket. He takes a matchbook and a pack of cigarettes out, lights one up like a nerd version of James Dean, inhales deeply, plunging himself into a spasmodic coughing jag. He jettisons the cigarette into the gutter and while trying to recatch his breath, he notices the printing on the matchbook: VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD A glimmer of confused memory flits across his features. He reaches under his coat and gingerly scratches his rash. CUT TO: INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE CORRIDOR - DAY Bert and Mel follow Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice and Newt-as-the Professor through automatic-opening, glass, sliding doors, bordered in red suede. On the doors are the words: C.A.N.A.P.E TOP SECRET As they move through the doors, CAMERA drifts to find Mr. Posthole, the Company "B" spy, lurking in the corridor. He smiles, as he watches them enter the clean room. CUT TO: INT. CANAPE CLEAN ROOM - DAY Inside the "clean room" reception area are assembled the top brass of Company "A", forming a reception line to greet them, all gently bobbing their heads. The President, DELBERT CORRIGAN, a young, dandified, old-money Ivy leaguer, gives Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice a slightly strange look. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE Gentlemen, may I present Professor Hugo Zinzermacher. Polite applause. Newt-as-the Professor beams, still holding the Trick Dog in one hand and his dirty, bulging sock in the other. Delbert Corrigan steps forward to shake his hand, accompanied by his young, blonde bombshell wife, SIMONE. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE Professor, I'd like you to meet the President of Company "A", Mr. Delbert Corrigan and his lovely wife, Simone. Corrigan shakes Newt-as-the Professor's hand. Newt-as-the Professor won't let go, happily pumping away. DELBERT CORRIGAN This is one of the proudest moments of my life. I can safely say I speak for everyone here when I tell you that with you pulling your oar in our shell we'll be at the mouth of the Charles before you can sing three bars of the Whiffenpoof song. Just dandy. (getting a little uncomfortable) What a darling little pooch. (Newt-as-the-Professor continues to smile blankly and shake his hand) Do you know my wife, Simone? Simone, in a devastating little Chanel number, steps forward. SIMONE (bad Radcliffe French) Professor, je suis tres heureux a faire votre connaissance. She grips Newt-as-the Professor by the shoulders and kisses him on both cheeks. His eyes light up like a pinball machine, he rears back and throws a roundhouse right. Simon and Delbert, using their good genetic reflexes, both shy back in shock. The punch sails past them and lands squarely on Mel's nose with a resounding SMACK. Mel grabs his broken honker, tears squirt from his eyes. He grabs the nearest wall and a piercing, high-pitched, one-note wail of contained agony escapes from him. Mel turns back around. BERT (stunned) The Professor hit Mel. Holding his nose, Mel turns back to them, in extreme pain and feeling somehow responsible for it. MEL I must have provoked him. Everyone else is still speechless. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (looking around) Can I pee? DELBERT CORRIGAN (trying to smile) Yes, C.A.N.A.P.E. (he refers to his CANAPE security badge) And please be assured, the Center for Advanced Nucleacly Arbitrary Permutation Experimentation is absolutely thrilled to have you here. Please, be assured of this. Hiding behind her husband, eyes darting nervously, Simone tries to light a cigarette, her hands shaking like a frog on a hot plate. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR Can I pee? DELBERT CORRIGAN (slight pause) What is it, exactly, that you're confused about? Newt-as-the-Professor makes a fast beeline to the nearby men's room, clearly marked with the following symbol: Mel and Bert quickly confer. MEL That could explain a lot. BERT We should'a let him go when we got off the plane. They both quickly turn to Delbert Corrigan. MEL We should'a let him go when he got off the plane. SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE (also trying to explain) One must continually bear in mind that these geniuses are a queer lot. DELBERT CORRIGAN (the "good sport") I've a few eccentrics swinging from my own family tree. If he delivers the "massive breakthrough" he's promised in correspondence, believe you me, we'll put up with the best the Professor can muster in the Peculiar Behavior Department. From inside the bathroom, we hear the Trick Dog happily barking in a conversational way, as if talking to Newt-as-the-Professor. A moment later the door opens and a big, black puff of smoke rolls into the room. CUT TO: EXT. PENTAGON - DAY The same stock shot. CUT TO: INT. SDI SECTION FOUR - DAY A CORPORAL stares at the blinking red warning light we saw earlier under the words: RANDOM COLL. DEEP SPACE EMISSION The Corporal flicks the bulb once or twice, makes sure it's not malfunctioning. It continues to blink, unabated. The Corporal takes out a key, unlocks a small box, opens it, flicks the switch inside. The blinking red light turns green, continues to blink, turns back to red, rotates and a small telephone slides out of a panel beneath it. The Corporal picks up the phone, without taking his eyes off the still blinking light. CORPORAL (trying to remain calm) Put me through to Colonel Mofler ... (pause) Colonel Mofler? ... Corporal Gumm. Sir, we've got a tuna on the line. Yes, sir, a verified tuna. CUT TO: INT. COLONEL MOFLER'S OFFICE - DAY Colonel Mofler sits at his desk, holding the phone. COLONEL MOFLER Thank you, Corporal. I don't need to remind you this is Code Six ... He hangs up, grimly takes a key from his desk, inserts it into a lock on the edge of his desk. The desk top slides open, revealing a large red book emblazoned with the word: FISH Colonel Mofler pages through the book. We see subheadings that read: TROUT, HALIBUT, GROUPER, ANCHOVIE, MACKERAL. He comes to a page that reads: TUNA. He read something that shocks him. COLONEL MOFLER Holy jumping George ... CUT TO: INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY GENERAL CONRAD stands at the head of the long conference table. A pack of very cool GENERALS with the Right Stuff are gathered around. A number of large, stuffed, mounted fish adorn the knotty-pine walls. GENERAL CONRAD (high fury) A TUNA!!?? A TUNA!!?? COLONEL MOFLER (also standing, data in hand) Yes, Sir, prelim's indicate an albacore ... GENERAL CONRAD That's white meat!!! COLONEL MOFLER Yes, Sir; an emission. GENERAL CONRAD ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THING PEED!!!!???? COLONEL MOFLER Yes, Sir, a contained pinpoint emission somewhere in Friendly Delta Forty. GENERAL CONRAD (covers his eyes in despair) FRIENDLY!! GAHHHH!! (questions the others) Delta? Delta Forty? The other Generals calmly confer. The group's spokesman, GENERAL THRASHER, turns to General Conrad. GENERAL THRASHER Kansas. GENERAL CONRAD It peed on Kansas? THAT THING PEED ON KANSAS!!!??? COLONEL MOFLER Sir ... uh, should we notify, uh, the, uh, Commander in, uh, Chief? General Conrad looks at the red phone on the table in front of him. He picks up the entire instrument and then bangs it on the table with increasing intensity. The other Generals don't move a muscle, brimming over with the Right Stuff GENERAL CONRAD NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!! General Conrad does a backflip and lands heavily, out of sight, with the SOUND of major fracturing. The other Generals respond with slight head shakes, sympathetic whistles and other small, compassionate gestures. A GENERAL (pause, calmly) Mofler, call an ambulance. CUT TO: EXT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY The wounded Taxi limps up to the door. Wally-as-Horton gets out of the cab and cautiously enters the Rod. CUT TO: INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY Pearlescant stucco and a persistent South Seas motif; weathered rope nets, varnished blowfish lamps, dusty spears and shields. The CUSTOMERS, a hardboiled bunch of sleazy criminal types, freeze in their tracks when Wally-as-Horton enters and tentatively makes his way across the room; the denizens part for him like the Red Sea. VINNIE, the short, stocky, balding proprietor, behind the bar is the only person who dares to speak to him. VINNIE Hey, Horton. What's happening? WALLY-AS-HORTON (stops, terrified but handling it) Not much. What's happening with you ... Vinnie? He looks at Vinnie with some confusion. VINNIE (clearly frightened of him) Not much. Wally-as-Horton nods and continues on. He passes a booth full of four GANGSTERS, clearly a few notches tougher than the bar's other customers. Their leader, JIMMY "CRAWLIN" UNDERWOOD, a big Irishman, rises as Wally-as-Horton approaches. Wally-as-Horton's knees shake and he smiles politely. The whole room tensely watches the following exchange. UNDERWOOD (timidly) Me and the boys was wondering what a guy named Mr. Biggs is doing up in front of your apartment. WALLY-AS-HORTON Why didn't you ask him? UNDERWOOD (self-deprecating laugh) Okay, Horton, sure, it's none of our business, you know us, always lookin' for a taste of the action. WALLY-AS-HORTON Would you like me to ask him for you, Mr. Underwood? UNDERWOOD (severe anxiety, backing up) No, no, come on, Horton, you know us, we're not tryin' to muscle in, you're the man, you call the shots. WALLY-AS-HORTON I'm going upstairs now. UNDERWOOD Sure, Horton, sure. So, same time for drinks tonight, huh Horton? WALLY-AS-HORTON Why not, Mr. Underwood? They look at each other uncertainly. Wally-as-Horton exits up a rear stairway and the room comes back to life. Underwood returns to the table full of Gangsters. GANGSTER #1 (an Italian) What'd he say? UNDERWOOD (talking tough) Something stinks, big. Pew. He kept calling my Mr. Underwood. GANGSTER #2 (a black guy) That's your name. Underwood twists Gangster #2's nose. UNDERWOOD Mr. Schmaty Pants: my name's Jimmy! That guy, maybe he's been on top too long. Lemme tell you something; the bigger they are, the harder they fall. (the Gangsters mutter agreement) Hey Vinnie, how 'bout a round a' cheeseburgers? GANGSTER #3 (a Mexican guy) Con mucho queso. The other Gangsters grunt their approval. VINNIE (in front of the open fridge) Sorry, gents, looks like we're fresh outta cheese. The Gangsters raise a ruckus, each in his own dialectical style. CUT TO: INT. VINNIE'S SECOND FLOOR - DAY Wally-as-Horton reaches the top of the stairs. Mr. Biggs steps out of the shadows, flanked by two big BODYGUARDS in Company "B" jumpsuits. Their heads are bobbing like Bert and Mel's were before they peed at the airport. MR. BIGGS So? Has the deed been done? WALLY-AS-HORTON (fearfully thinking on his feet) I'm going to march right out there and engage the enemy. MR. BIGGS Every second that genius' brain is working for Company "A", a fog of trouble engulfs our enterprise in a cloud of uncertainty. (moves closer) One twenty-five cent bullet, Mr. Thuraby, delivered in a timely fashion, will spell victory for Company "B" WALLY-AS-HORTON And I'll bet there's no butts about it. MR. BIGGS I think we understand each other. Mr. Biggs heads down the stairs, followed by his bobbing Bodyguards. Wally-as-Horton quickly ducks into the door of Horton's apartment. CUT TO: INT. HORTON'S APARTMENT - DAY Wally-as-Horton shuts the door, leans back against it, gulping air. He turns on a light and finds himself staring at two huge gun racks, one for rifles, one for pistols. Wally-as-Horton hyperventilates, terrorized. He takes off his jacket and is shocked to see himself wearing an empty shoulder holster. CUT TO: EXT. WALLY'S HOUSE - DAY Horton-as-Wally pulls into the driveway in Wally's car. He gets out, heads for the front door. We hear the ferocious yapping of Gucci-Gucci the Pekingese and a moment later it bursts through the underbrush and makes a beeline for Horton-as-Wally. Horton-as-Wally turns and his gaze narrows menacingly just as Gucci-Gucci leaps up at his face for the kill. In mid-flight, the look in Horton-as-Wally's eyes register in Gucci- Gucci's little mind. Gucci-Gucci puts on the brakes and stops in mid-air, inches from Horton-as-Wally's face, lingers there a moment, then retreats along the same trajectory, with a squeal of total capitulation. Gucci-Gucci rolls over and surrenders, begging for mercy. Horton- as-Wally snaps his fingers. Gucci-Gucci leaps up into his arms and obsequiously slathers Horton-as-Wally's face with Gucci-Gucci devotion. HORTON-AS-WALLY (to Gucci-Gucci) In China they eat dogs. Gucci-Gucci freezes and puts its paws over its eyes. HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D) Lucky for you we're not in China. Horton-as-Wally drops Gucci-Gucci and enters the house. Gucci-Gucci heels after him like a dog with a PhD from Rin-Tin-tin University. CUT TO: INT. WALLY'S HOUSE - DAY Horton-as-Wally enters. With an Apache war whoop, Gordie leaps around a corner, pointing a toy pistol at Horton-as-Wally. With reflexes faster than a jungle cat, Horton-as-Wally whips out his huge, chrome-plated .357 Magnum, puts the barrel against Gordie's forehead and kicks his legs out from under him. Gordie hits the floor like a sack of rocks, Horton-as-Wally kicks the toy pistol away, puts his foot on Gordie's neck and bends Gordie's nose back with the Magnum. HORTON-AS-WALLY Didn't anyone ever tell you it's dangerous to play with firearms? Gordie is shocked into a semi-coma of terror, whimpering like a lost baby seal. We hear Polly coming before she turns the corner. POLLY Wally, did you remember to pick up the cheese for the wine and cheese-- (she turns the corner and sees them) WALLY!!! GET OFF MY CHILD THIS INSTANT!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK!!! Horton-as-Wally's head slowly turns towards her like a robot's. His cold steel eyes meet hers. HORTON-AS-WALLY What did you say? POLLY YOU ARE IN SERIOUS, SERIOUS TROUBLE, MISTER !! I'LL SPANK YOUR BOTTOM SO HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A -- Horton-as-Wally shoots out an arm with the speed of a cobra, snares her adam's apple between his thumb and forefinger and lifts her gently, sliding her up the wall. HORTON-AS-WALLY That's ... enough. She faints dead away. Gordie, afraid to move a muscle, watches them out of the corner of his eye. Gucci-Gucci sits obediently at Horton-as-Wally's feet, wagging its tail and smiling, gazing up at him with blind adoration. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY The wheels on the neon skate are revolving slightly faster than the last time we saw them. CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY Country-waltz music. The rink has a few dozen skaters, all pushing themselves forward with a strange and somehow familiar bobbing motion. Over at the SKATE CHECK-OUT desk, a sweating, beaming Big Tom is distributing skates to an eager crowd; his ability to supply barely keeping up with demand. We hear comments from the CROWD: CROWD (variously) Boy, I haven't been skating in years ... you know I must have driver by this place a hundred times and this is the first time I even noticed it was here ... hey, Jane, you come here often? ... it's the strangest thing; I was just standing there holding the baby and I suddenly got this urge to skate; I ended up bringing the baby-sitter ... I take a nine, Big Tom ... Woody sits at the adding machine, ecstatically cranking out numbers and banking cash. WOODY This is not bad business for a Thursday. RANDY'S VOICE How many lumps, Woody? WOODY ONE!!! RANDY, ONE!!! RANDY'S VOICE One lump, coming up, Woody. WOODY (embittered, to himself) Sure thing, Mister Memory. CUT TO: INT. ROLLERRINK KITCHEN - DAY A bunch of KIDS on skates are clustered around the snack counter, all bobbing their heads. Randy is adding a lump of sugar to a cup of coffee like Madame Curie handling uranium. THE KIDS Hey, Randy, six Beefy Cheese Louise ... man, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse ... me, too ... me three and I just ate lunch ... me, too ... RANDY How many? THE KIDS SIX!! Randy nods and his head starts to bob, somewhat erratically. He goes to the Beefy Cheese Louise fridge, opens it. The patties are brown and naked. No cheese in sight. Randy doesn't change his expression. He closes the fridge, paces back and forth, reopens the fridge, looks at the cheeseless patties again and makes a high whining sound. We hear three loud beeps from a TRUCK HORN. Big Tom calls out to Woody. BIG TOM Cheese truck's here. WOODY I got it. Woody rises, starts towards the back. Randy stares at the fridge, filled with the wonder of life. RANDY What a coincidence. CUT TO: EXT. ROLLER RINK LOADING DOCK - DAY The Drivers are swinging open the rear doors of the cheese truck. Woody's face falls when he looks inside. The Drivers look at each other, then a Woody. The truck is empty. No cheese. White wax paper printed with the words "CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK" wafts in the breeze. DRIVER #2 That damn truck was filled with cheese. DRIVER #1 Where's that much cheese gonna go? WOODY (fighting back panic) You want to try to explain this to me and a barnload of hungry skaters? Out of the Drivers shakes his head, gently kicks a rock. WOODY (CONT'D) HMMM??!! CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAY We see a banner in the plaza in front of the building: WELCOME TO OUR 35 NEW EMPLOYEES FROM LUBBOCK, TEXAS 35 NEW REASONS WHY 57 IS NUMBER 1 A dais is set up under the banner. A relentlessly cheerful HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT is making a speech into a microphone, to the Heinz EMPLOYEES gathered in the plaza. HEINZ VP (head bobbing slightly) It's the start of a brand new tomorrow today and what a beautiful day it is. The sun is shining brightly on Heinz 57. We've got the welcome mat out today -- The microphone picks up a loud rumbling from the VP's stomach. HEINZ VP (CONT'D) --wo, 'scuse me, guess I'm running on empty -- good thing for me we've got the Welcome Lunch out, too. (enthusiastic applause) Good thing for me and for the thirty-five new reasons why Heinz 57 is Number One. Now I understand you folks are all from Lubbock, is that right? We now see the thirty-five Chinese acrobats in their Chinese red sweatsuits, standing at the front of the crowd. They all rapidly confer in an obscure Chinese dialect, then a SPOKESMAN steps forward and beams proudly. SPOKESMAN Rubbock. Applause from the crowd. CUT TO: EXT. THE RIALTO THEATRE - DAY A STAGEHAND bobs his head while plastering up a bill on a wall outside the theater: OPENS TONIGHT THE FABULOUS CHINESE ACROBATS FROM THE FAR PROVINCES As he finishes a delivery truck pulls up. Lettering on the side reads: LIGHTNING FAST CHINESE The non-Chinese Delivery Man gets out, carrying a very large box of Chinese food in the familiar cardboard buckets. STAGEHAND Weren't you just here? NON-CHINESE DELIVERY MAN They phoned up for more. Off screen we hear a horrendous screeching and squealing. The Delivery man hurries across the street and enters the theater. A moment later the Company "A" limo flies by, lurching and bucking like a harpooned whale. CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY The thirty-five, leisure-suited Texans are spread out all over the stage, wolfing down Chinese food like there's no tomorrow. Empty cardboard buckets litter the area. In b.g., the Delivery Man distributes more buckets from his big box. THE TEXANS (variously) Damn; finish one a' these, two minutes go by it's like I never et ... stuff sure don't stick to your ribs ... stuff's startin' to talk back to me ... this beer wash' it down real good ... 'question is, how far down's it gonna go? ... and will it stay there, pa'dner ... sompin' tells me this stuff'll repeat on ya ... ROGER, the light-in-the-loafers Stage Manager minces on state, bobbing his head in an esthetic way. ROGER (clapping his hands) All right, girls, chop-chop -- (points to his watch) Clockse say time for rehearsee, I'm not getting any younger, the band's paid by the hour -- down with the food, on with the tights -- The Texans stare at him balefully. A large one rises, puts a hand on Roger's shoulder, towering over him and turns to the group. TEXAN #1 What do you think, boys? Should we kill him? ROGER Ooh, quell macho behind the Bamboo Curtain -- Roger read you loud and clear, you angry Samurai; time to zippee my lippee. He mimes zipping and locking his lips, then throws away the "key". Roger turns to the BAND, in the pit, and mouths the words: ROGER (CONT'D) Play something! The Band lurches into a loony Chinese overture. As if hypnotized, all the Texans drop their food containers, run to prearranged spots on the stage, roll their socks up over the bottom of their pants legs and bow to each other. Half the troupe leans down and form stirrups with their hands. The other half of the troupe take lumbering runs at them and strain one foot up into the stirrup. With agonized, muscle-ripping heaves, the runners are clumsily lifted in unison a few inches into the air and fall as one to the stage, landing on their backs like felled redwoods. ROGER (CONT'D) Ooh. CUT TO: INT. PENTAGON SITUATION ROOM - DAY Doors open and General Conrad is wheeled into the room on a mobile rig. The General wears a full-body cast, stuck in a position like a freeze frame of someone being tossed into a swimming pool. The other Generals, seated as before around the table, give low-key, respectful greeting. An AIDE stands behind each of the Generals, holding a stack of computer printout data. THE GENERALS (variously) Hey, Pappy ... touch break ... good to see you back in the saddle ... guess you're gonna make that barbecue Saturday, eh Pappy? Colonel Mofler rises as General Conrad reaches the table, in the middle of an extremely long slow burn. GENERAL CONRAD (low, angry, controlled) Tell me about the fish. COLONEL MOFLER Sir, that tuna's been gaffed and he's coming on deck now -- GENERAL CONRAD What've we got !! COLONEL MOFLER (a look to the other Generals) Sir, luckily the emission was confined. (looks at the Generals again) Confined to the limits of one small town. (looks again) Newtonville. Kansas Long pause. GENERAL CONRAD That's IT??!! We're talking about fist piss, what the hell did it DO??!! Mofler looks at the Generals again, then at his notes. COLONEL MOFLER Uh, possible impact on basic metabolic processes. Negative, uh, infringement on calcium and magnesium molecular structures. Uh, very likely some compulsive hyperkinetic rebalancing -- GENERAL CONRAD CUT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TELL ME, COLONEL, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE PULLING UP ON DECK!! Another look at the Generals. COLONEL MOFLER Well, Sir, there's one thing we can say for certain; Newtonville sure as hell isn't going to have any cheese. Silence. General Conrad tightens. His face turns the color of borscht. SOUND of plaster straining. Hairline cracks appear up and down the General's body cast. Strangulated moaning escapes from the General as the cast shatters and he falls out of view like a man going through a trapdoor. The Generals shake their heads in admiration. They clench their cigars, summoning up the Stuff for the ordeal that clearly lies ahead. CUT TO: INT. WALLY'S HOUSE - NIGHT In Gordie's room, Horton-as-Wally pounds the final nail into the last in a wallfull of professional looking gun racks. The others are already loaded with Gordie's toy weapons. Horton-as-Wally turns to Gordie. HORTON-AS-WALLY Load 'er up. Gordie loads the rest of his toys into the rack. HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D) How many rounds in a Luger magazine? GORDIE Nine, Sir. HORTON-AS-WALLY What's the range on that Kalishnikov? GORDIE Accurate to three-hundred yards, Sir. HORTON-AS-WALLY Do you ever point a loaded weapon at another human being if you don't intend to use it? GORDIE No, Sir, never, Sir. HORTON-AS-WALLY That's good, Gordon. Tomorrow we're going to talk about hand-to-hand techniques. Now go tell your Mother we're ready to eat. GORDIE Yes, Sir, I sure am hungry. HORTON-AS-WALLY You and me both, Junior. Gordie exits happily. CUT TO: INT. WALLY NEWTON'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT As Horton-as-Wally enters, Polly, wearing a blond, plastic neck brace, ios setting out large amounts of food on the table, where Gordie's eagerly seated, his head bobbing. POLLY (her voice strangely Munchkined) Wally, I don't appreciate one little bit being told by Gordie that you're ready to -- Horton-as-Wally sits down, calmly takes out his Magnum and sets it on the table beside his plate. Polly inhales her next word and immediately sits. Gordie stares directly at Horton-as-Wally in a trance of admiration. HORTON-AS-WALLY Dig in, Gordon. You'll need plenty of energy when we go hand-to-hand. Polly's impulse to interrogate is just barely contained by her sheer terror. Gordie starts to eat, still gazing worshipfully at Horton- as-Wally. POLLY Wally, you'll remember we're having the wine and cheese get-together tomorrow evening and I'll need you to pick -- (he shoots her a look) -- to remind me to pick up the wine and cheese in the morning. HORTON-AS-WALLY (nods, then to Gordie) If we had some cheese, we could have a wine and cheese party, if we had some wine. Gordie cracks up. He loves his dad so much now. HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D) Son, you're bobbing like a boy who needs a pogo stick. What do you say we pick one up tomorrow? GORDIE (thrilled) Gee, Dad, that'd be great -- what's a pogo stick? CUT TO: INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY A basketball court sized room, the ceilings almost out of sight. The walls are covered with murals of animals and fantasy lands. A gigantic, electric rocking horse sits in the middle of the room, near a desk where Tidman is emptying the contents of a large, grey sock in front of the seated Professor-as-Newt. Ike and Mike are standing guard nearby. The Professor-as-Newt stares at the objects analytically, on the assumption they hold some hidden, symbolic significance. TIDMAN (puzzled) Don't you recognize these items, Master Newt? The Professor-as-Newt looks at Tidman, as if to say, "Should I?" TIDMAN (CONT'D) These are the contents of your sock . THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT My sock. TIDMAN That's right -- (picking each object up) This is your rock. This is your piece of string. This is your pink rubber pig. This is your record player and your very own record. See? Tidman puts the plastic record on the plastic, toy turntable and turns it on; a frantic, emotional children's SONG plays. Assuming this is all a test of his brilliance, the Professor-as-Newt cocks his head like the RCA dog, listening intently. He picks up the rock, scrutinizing it, measuring it with his fingers. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (shrewdly) Instantly I see a relationship to ze string. TIDMAN (humoring him) Yes. They were all in the sock. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT All in ze sock? TIDMAN All ... in .... the sock. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT Ah, a frame of reference. (putting it all together) The sock ... is my universe. I'm going to need a large chalkboard. TIDMAN Master Newt, you've come a long, long way. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT Halfway around the world. TIDMAN Yes. Of course CUT TO: INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - NIGHT As the curtain opens on the small stage, BLACK MUSICIANS are playing an introductory, three-chord blues riff. Jimmie Underwood and his cronies are seated over drinks in their booth at the back. Vinnie comes out on stage and takes the microphone. VINNIE Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce one of the great legends of the blues, it's his first visit here to the Lightning Rod, direct from Gainesville, Florida, the one and only Stompin' Machine, Sammy "the Stomp" Johnson! Round of applause, whistles. Jimmie and his group stomp their feet and yell, heads bobbing in unison: the stomping spreads around the room. The musicians start to stomp, the beat is picked up and amplified by the bass drum. A spotlight hits the stage and out stomps Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp, wearing a baggy, blue-sequined suit, a purple pearlescent silk shirt, white bucks and a black string tie. The audience immediately accepts her at face value and the applause-o-meter shoots into the danger zone. Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp, sounding like a bizarro mixture of B.B. King and Princess Di, skillfully sings a blues standard with a great deal of conviction, passion and diction. Through the beaded curtain at the back, Wally-as-Horton enters the Rod, scans the room, spots Jimmie and company and makes his way to their booth. GANGSTER #3 Hey, Horton, where's Lorraine? WALLY-AS-HORTON Lorraine? Jimmie backhands Gangster #3 across the nose. JIMMIE What the hell business is it of yours where she is? (to Wally-as-Horton) Guy's got a deathwish, huh Horton? You gotta forgive a knothead like this. The Gangsters scrunch together to make room for Wally-as-Horton to join them in the booth. They watch Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp finish her number. Applause. Under which, Lorraine teeters in on stiletto heels, dressed in a clinging, cocktail sheath dress, with a slit up the side halfway to Duluth. She leans down and gives Wally-as-Horton a big wet kiss. LORRAINE Sorry I'm late. Wally-as-Horton's eyes roll back, close to losing consciousness. LORRAINE (CONT'D) What are you doin' sittin' with these creeps? WALLY-AS-HORTON They're going to give me a drink. LORRAINE You mean a Mickey. JIMMY Lighten up, Lorraine, you gonna stop a man from buying a man a drink in this oh-by-gosh-by-golly world? LORRAINE Who me? (she sits) JIMMY If you're not gonna stop me ... (Jimmy winks at the others) ... then I'm not gonna stop you. I can't stop you. And if I can't stop you, then -- THE OTHER GANGSTERS (stupid singing) -- "who'll stop Lorraine?" On stage, Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp overhears the gangsters and interpreting it as a request, launches the band into a tight, explosive cover of CCR's "Who'll Stop the Rain?" Jimmy raises his wine glass. JIMMY I'd like to propose a toast ... Wally-as-Horton, Lorraine and the other Gangsters raise their wine glasses. JIMMY (CONT'D) To Mr. Horton Thuraby, the fastest gun in the west, with all good wishes for continued success, especially in whatever it is you might be doing at the present time, which we have not been let in on but tomorrow's a new day ... They wait to see if he's finished. Wally-as-Horton leans way forward, forms a perfect "O" with his lips, attaches his lips to the glass and makes like the babbling brook. The others look at him like he just flew in from Mars. He continues to make the sound. The Gangsters and Lorraine look at each other. Cautiously, they all lean forward and duplicate Wally-as-Horton's wine tasting technique. The band stops playing, all eyes turn to the booth. The sound of the babbling brook continues. CUT TO: INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT Busier than before. A few happy SKATERS are seated at the lunch counter, heads all bobbing. Holding a sheet of hamburger buns like an accordion, Randy leans in uncomfortable close to one SKATER. RANDY I was telling Big Tom I smell gas. And I still smell gas. Stripping receipts off the spindle nearby, Woody grimaces and pulls on his hair. CUT TO: INT. VINNIE'S SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT Lorraine and Wally-as-Horton make their way up the stairs. Wally- as-Horton is half in the bag, leading them in singing a mutilated version of "Strangers in the Night". They stop outside the door to Horton's apartment. Wally-as-Horton extends a hand. WALLY-AS-HORTON Well, this is where I get off. LORRAINE You and me both, you animal. WALLY-AS-HORTON (shaking her hand) Thank you for a wonderful evening, Laura. LORRAINE You clown -- oh, I see, you want to play Perfect Strangers, I like this. (she grabs his necktie) Why don't you take me into your apartment, Harley and let's see if I can get that big engine of your's started? We HEAR a rapid thumping, increasing in volume and intensity and Wally-as-Horton's shirt starts to kick out like he's hiding a mule undergoing shock treatment in his chest. She opens the door and pulls him by the tie into the dark apartment. The door closes. From inside, we hear Wally-as-Horton's heart beating faster. CUT TO: EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAWN The early morning sun illuminates the "Welcome to Newtonville" sign. Parked behind the sign in his patrol car, Dougy "Sherlock" Watson is catching some Z's. His head bobs slightly in his sleep. In the distance we hear the grinding and screeching of the Company A" limo as it tears down the highway and roars past the sign. "Sherlock" Watson wakes up like someone just poured ice water in his shorts and sees the limo racing away. He starts the engine, hits the siren and screeches out onto the highway, bubble lights flashing, chasing the limo. CAMERA holds on the sign. A few moments later, the patrol car zooms back past the sign in reverse, the limo gaining on his front bumper. "Sherlock" Watson testing the envelope of landspeed-backwards travel. The wretched whine of tortured engines fades. Lightning strikes the desert in background. Moments later, what seems to be a sandstorm erupts in the dry desert around the sign. Descending into this malstrom, we see a contorted, white apparition attached to a harness on a cable; General Conrad, in a new plaster body cast. As he nears the ground, two troop carriers and a jeep speed into frame, combat-ready GROUND TROOPS pour out and lower General Conrad into a steel-tube scaffolding that allows him to stand in the back of the jeep. He's strapped in, a microphone in front of his face and large speakers on either side of him. During above, the Generals with the Right Stuff and Colonel Mofler arrive in a fleet of staff cars and three more transports disgorge three companies of Marines. GENERAL CONRAD (into the loudspeakers) Fall out! Fall out! Secure the perimeter of Newtonville! No one gets in or out without my say-so! Move, move, move! CUT TO: EXT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAWN Songbirds. Peace. No one in sight. CUT TO: INT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAWN An empty corridor. A blaring alarm starts filling the corridor with sound. We hear frantic, running footsteps approaching and moments later a panicked HEINZ EMPLOYEE comes into view around a corner, screaming ... HEINZ EMPLOYEE THERE'S NO CHEESE!!! THERE'S NO CHEESE!!! CUT TO: INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE AREA - DAY Carrying his sock and the Trick Dog, Newt-as-the-Professor is escorted into a small, sparsely appointed laboratory by Bert and Mel. In the room are a chalkboard, a box of chalk, a chair and a periodic table of elements hanging on a wall. BERT These are all the things you asked for, Professor. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR Four MEL (nose expertly bandaged) For your work. You're sure there's nothing else you need? NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR Zero. BERT Okay, Professor. MEL We're going now. BERT We'll leave you to it. No response. Bert and Mel exit. CUT TO: INT. CANAPE HALLWAY - DAY Bert and Mel stop in the corridor. BERT He seems pretty preoccupied. MEL I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind. CUT TO: INT. CANAPE LAB - DAY Newt-as-the Professor looks at the closed door. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Newt-as-the Professor sits on the floor and opens his sock. The Trick Dog sits beside him, watching attentively. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Zero. He takes his piece of string out of his sock and lays it out on the floor. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D) One. He takes his smooth rock out of the sock and sets it down a certain, exact distance from the string. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Two. We move off him towards a large mirror in the wall to his left. CUT TO: INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY In a room filled with whirring computers, the group of Company "A" SCIENTISTS we saw earlier observe Newt-as-the Professor through the one-way glass mirror. Some of them sit at computer consoles, ready to input Newt-as-the Professor's every action into their massive hard discs. Mel and Bert enter and stand at the back of the room, near Sammy-"the Stomp"-as Alice. BERT This is what we've been waiting for. MEL To watch an authentic genius at work. One of the Scientists shushes them. The group watches as Newt-as- the Professor takes his plastic record player out of the sock and carefully sets it down. Video cameras record his every move. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (through a speaker in Room A) Three. They watch as Newt-as-the Professor takes out his record and puts it on the turntable. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Four. Newt-as-the Professor turns it on; we hear the same frantic children's song we heard on the other record player at Newton Manor. The Scientists look at each other, a little wide-eyed. SCIENTIST #1 (reassuringly) Looks like he's getting warmed up. SCIENTIST #2 He's priming the pump. SAMMY-THE-STOMP-AS-ALICE (aside to Bert and Mel) That is one peculiar pump. Bert and Mel look him/her up and down. Newt-as-the Professor takes the pink, rubber pig out of the sock and sets it down near the other objects. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Five. Newt-as-the Professor opens the box of chalk, takes out a piece of chalk and feeds it into the open hold in the pig's mouth. He stands up and starts flying the pig around the room in time to the music. He occasionally grazes the chalk that extends out of the pig's mouth against the blackboard. The Trick Dog starts jumping back and forth over the chair. NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR Candy Pigs. Candy Pigs. SCIENTIST #1 I'd heard his methods were unorthodox. SCIENTIST #2 Stand by on computers; we'll have to be on our toes ... school is in session. The other Scientists nod in uncertain agreement. CUT TO: INT. CANAPE LAB - DAY Newt-as-the Professor cruises around the room with the pig. As he passes the periodic table on the far wall, we notice an eyeball watching Newt-as-the Professor through the letter "o" in the word "oxygen". CUT TO: INT. CANAPE SECRET OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY The eyeball belongs to Mr. Posthole, the Company "B" spy, secreted away in this tiny, dark space. He speaks into a small transmitter hidden in his pen holder. MR. POSTHOLE Now he's simulating a kinetic flow with the porcine symbol ... my guess is he's establishing a spatial vector between the objects for the purpose of conceptual comparisons ... (overwhelmed by the "brilliance") ... my God, I can't believe what I'm witnessing, tell Mr. Biggs he's shed more light on Arbitrary Permutation in the last three minutes than we got in two years out in the bush observing the Mystic Sufis -- (back to business) Am I kidding myself, or does the dog represent Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? CUT TO: EXT. LUCKY BUCK'S USED CARS AND TRUCKS - DAY A beautiful summer morning. Horton-as-Wally drives up, parks beside the sales office and heads inside. He feels like whistling and gets out a note before catching himself. He enters the sales office. CUT TO: INT. LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - DAY As Horton-as-Wally enters, Lucky Buck gestures to him from behind his desk. LUCKY BUCK Soldier, First Bugle's at 0900 hours, I'd like you to take a good long look at your timepiece, bedbug, and give me one good reason why I shouldn't dock you three minutes wages. You're a slacker, a slouch; the original sadsack. Horton-as-Wally, motionless, stares at this creature in disbelief. A twinge of uneasiness filters down to Lucky Buck's cortex but he shakes it off, crooks a finger and summons Horton-as-Wally. LUCKY BUCK (CONT'D) Walk that butt of yours right over here. Private, I want to show you what put me off my breakfast this morning. Horton-as-Wally, stoking a nuclear powered slow burn, ambles over to the desk, under ... LUCKY BUCK (CONT'D) The most pitiful, the most sickening and embarrassing sales record it's ever been my misfortune to encounter. We're talking court martial. Dishonorable discharge. HORTON-AS-WALLY What did you say? LUCKY BUCK (on micro-thin ice) I said if this was Japan and I were to hand you the hari-kari blade and you were anything but the most miserable excuse for a man in this outfit -- HORTON-AS-WALLY That's enough. Horton-as-Wally reaches out, grips Lucky Buck by the Adam's apple and puts him gently against the wall and speaks calmly. HORTON-AS-WALLY The things you've been saying and this attitude you're expressing towards me are unacceptable. You will never do this again. LUCKY BUCK (up about two octaves) I agree completely. HORTON-AS-WALLY Fine. Let's sell some cars. LUCKY BUCK I'm all for it. Horton-as-Wally releases Lucky Buck. Lucky Buck tells his trembling, uncooperative facial muscles to smile, but the result looks like the mouth of a catfish in a wind tunnel. LUCKY BUCK (CONT'D) Thank you. CUT TO: INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY Tidman enters, with Ike and Mike behind him. The Professor-as-Newt sits at his desk, contemplating the contents of the sock laid carefully out on the desktop, deeply lost in thought. A large, blank blackboard stands at the ready. TIDMAN Good morning, Master Newt. No response. The Professor-as-Newt doesn't budge, doesn't blink. TIDMAN (CONT'D) Sleep well, did you? Master Newt? Master Newt? Tidman touches the Professor-as-Newt's shoulder. The Professor-as- Newt snaps out of his reverie and looks up at Tidman. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (instantly alert) Vhat kind of day is it? Is it a cloudy day? Or is it a pleasant day? TIDMAN It's a pleasant day, Master Newt. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT That's good. (they smile at each other) You're the fellow who was in here before. TIDMAN Yes, I'm Tidman. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT Tidman. You'll understand if I return to my work now. He turns back to the desktop. Tidman looks at Ike and Mike, sighs. TIDMAN Master Newt ... it's time for your morning bath . THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (getting aggravated) Please, kind sir, can't you see ... I am this close -- (holds up thumb and forefinger) -- this close -- these symbols are swimming, swarming in my mind like your bumblebees I've heard so much about -- what pulls and pushes is looking more and more like the interwoven fibers of the SOCK!! TIDMAN (a pause, sternly) Do you see your pig? THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (thinking it's a clue, excited) Yes? TIDMAN You're just as dirty as a pig. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (eager to know more) I am? What does this mean? TIDMAN It's time to see your Grandfather ... it's time for your bath. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (a new tangent) Dirt ... water ... like a MEMBRANE!! Tidman motions to Ike and Mike. They pick the Professor-as-Newt up by the arms and carry him towards the door. TIDMAN Master Newt? They stop. The Professor-as-Newt looks back at him. TIDMAN (CONT'D) (holding it up) Don't you want to bring your pig? THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (considers) Vell, yes. I suppose I do. CUT TO: INT. NEWTON MANOR BATH ROOM - DAY Ike and Mike carry the Professor-as-Newt, who's cradling his pig, into the Roman bath-sized room. Tidman follows. Ike and Mike wear regular bathing suits and t-shirts. The Professor-as-Newt is wearing a 1890's style bathing suit. Also wearing the same style suit, GRANDAD NEWTON, an ancient, shriveled version of Newt, stands unsteadily in the far end of the steamy, swimming pool sized bathtub. On the back of both their suits are the words: LONG DISTANCE SWIMMER Ike and Mike carry the Professor-as-Newt down steps into the bath and drop him kitty-korner from Grandad. Tidman announces: TIDMAN Grandad, Master Newt is here. Grandad looks at the Professor-as-Newt, shakes his head. GRANDAD That's not Newt. TIDMAN Don't be mean, Grandad, Newt's come such a long way to see you. And I'll bet he'd love to hear your record; wouldn't you like to play it for him? THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT I vould like to hear your record. Does it have any bearing on the pig? Or perhaps, dirt or a membrane of some kind? Grandad smiles warmly; he likes this guy even if it isn't Newt and he's the only one who realizes it. Grandad reaches out of the pool and turns on his plastic record player, similar to the one from the sock. We hear a sweet, tender, warm-hearted song. As it plays, Grandad takes out his own pink rubber pig and starts to suds it up with a little brush. The Professor-as-Newt watches him intently, smiling when Grandad smiles at him. GRANDAD Clean pig. THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (aha, another clue) A...clean...pig. The Professor-as-Newt starts to scrub his pig. Using long- handled brushes, Ike and Mike begin scrubbing down Grandad and the Professor-as-Newt. Tidman steals behind a column and sneaks a smoke. CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - DAY Moving off a clock that reads 12:33, we see Hank the Barber exit the Barber Shop and move to the newsstand. He picks up a newspaper and hands it to the Cashier. CASHIER The Hank, usual? HANK THE BARBER Bet you. The Cashier takes the paper, opens the cash register drawer and tries to stuff the newspaper inside. Meanwhile, Hank unwraps a candy bar and smears it in a tight circle on his forehead, near the third eye area. The Cashier takes out a handful of nickels and dimes, holds out his arm and throws the coins onto the corridor floor. The Barber and the Cashier stare at each other with a look of complete blankness. The Barber spins violently and storms back to the Barbershop. Moving off them we find General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the other Generals observing the exchange. A SOLDIER approaches, urgently. SOLDIER General, if you'd like to follow me. GENERAL CONRAD What is it? SOLDIER I think we've got a nibble. They quickly follow the Soldier, Mofler and the other Generals carrying General Conrad to the baggage claim area. The carousel has been roped off and a number of SOLDIERS are crawling around, carrying weird, Geiger-counter-like devices, all glowing and emitting whooping noises. GENERAL CONRAD You smell that, Mofler? COLONEL MOFLER What's that, Sir? GENERAL CONRAD Tuna piss. COLONEL MOFLER Yes, Sir. Ground Zero. GENERAL CONRAD Mofler, you know what happens when tuna goes bad? Mofler nods, apprehensive, as the other Generals gather round. GENERAL CONRAD (CONT'D) Gentleman, we've got twenty-four hours to cook this fish before it starts drawing flies from Washington. I don't have to tell you who'll have his barnacles scraped in drydock if that happens. CUT TO: INT. LUCKY BUCKS USED CARS AND TRUCKS - DAY The sales office is teeming with a crowd of anxious, head-bobbing CAR PURCHASERS. Lucky Buck, in seventh heaven behind his desk, is processing purchase agreements as fast as he can write. LUCKY BUCK (over above, voice still high) Take a number, please ... Lucky Buck'll get to you lucky shoppers as soon as he can ... CAR PURCHASERS (variously) I've got to have that car ... Wally said it was the car for me and I think he was right ! ... I love that car ... Wally wants me to have this car and I don't want to upset him, he was quite insistent ... CUT TO: EXT. LUCKY BUCK'S LOT - DAY Horton-as-Wally walks a slow, rheumatic LITTLE OLD LADY firmly by the elbow through the lot. As her head bobs, her eye is drawn to a flashy, sporty convertible. LITTLE OLD LADY But I'm really kind of partial to that one -- HORTON-AS-WALLY No. He stops her in front of a sensible, four-door sedan. HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D) (finger in her face) This is the car for you. They Lady's eye's quiver. We hear a splashing on the tarmac. We see a puddle forming between her orthopedic shoes. LITTLE OLD LADY (not eager to disappoint him) Where do I sign? CUT TO: INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY Jimmie Underwood and the Boys sit around a table, over beers, heads bobbing, deeply troubled. JIMMIE How can you tail a guy who don't go out of his room? MEXICAN GANGSTER What are they doing up there? They all punch him on the shoulders. MEXICAN GANGSTERS (CONT'D) No, I mean, this ain't like Horton; he don't mix business with pleasure. JIMMIE Horton's beginning to act like an enigma. The other Gangsters brush off their sleeves and pick lint off their lapels. Mr. Biggs and his two Bodyguards are eavesdropping on this conversation from the next booth. Mr. Biggs gets up and moves to Jimmie Underwood. MR. BIGGS I couldn't help overhearing what you gentlemen were discussing. I, too, have concern with regards to the behavior of Mr. Horton Thursby. Perhaps we can find a path through this thicket of doubt and confusion to a golden pagoda of mutual satisfaction. JIMMIE UNDERWOOD You're Mr. Biggs. MR. BIGGS Indeed I am, Sir. Let's talk turkey. MEXICAN GANGSTER Con mucho queso. JIMMIE UNDERWOOD There isn't gonna be any turkey or cheese. Your deal's with Thursby. MR. BIGGS Until this moment. I consider it void for non-performance of services. Take Thursby out ... and the deal is yours. JIMMIE UNDERWOOD One, two, three ... The gangsters all give the thumbs up sign on the silent count of "four" CUT TO: INT. HORTON THURSBY'S ROOM A clock reads: 2:00 PM. Wearing a smile as wide as the Mississippi, Wally-as-Horton lounges between the sheets with Lorraine. Wally-as-Horton sings her a little ditty. She giggles like an adored and adorable schoolgirl. WALLY-AS-HORTON (picture Gary Cooper, happy drunk) Gosh, I think you're peachy/ And I'll bet you'd look real swell/ In a swimsuit at the beachy/ You really ring my bell/ Gosh, of gosh, oh gosh. He pinches her nose, then holds up the tip of his thumb between two fingers. WALLY-AS-HORTON (CONT'D) If I keep this, will it start to smell? She giggles. He kisses her "nose" and puts it "back". LORRAINE Oh, Horton, this is the most romantic day we've ever spent. WALLY-AS-HORTON Oh gosh. LORRAINE If I feel anymore love I think I'll just wiggle right out of my skin!! WALLY-AS-HORTON Awww. Me too. She kisses him tenderly and quickly accelerating passion. Wally-as- Horton's t-shirt starts thumping like a jackhammer. CUT TO: EXT. GRAZING PASTURE - DAY A number of dairy cows stand in the field, moving their lips and making an eerie, melodic yodeling. Moving over we find General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals standing on the edge of the field. Behind them, a mass of Soldiers ar