At B1G Media Days, all 12 coaches were asked about how they would handle the recruitment of Penn State players, since they're all pretty much free agents. This is what some of them said*:



*Not even really close to what they said.

Gentlemen, with the NCAA ruling on Penn State, we'd like to get your stance on recruiting their players. Would anyone care to start?

I got this fellas...//pops collar like a douchebag brah

//sweat hits everyone in the room

You know, I'll just say what I always do when something bad happens to someone else. IT'S GREAT TO BE YOUDUB, baby. We're not going to take any players. We don't believe in doing that, unless you're a really good quarterback. Penn State doesn't have that, so we'll take a pass.

Coach O'Brien, would you care to comment?

No.

//checks cell phone

Yeah, I wouldn't have much to say either. You're gonna get pillaged, dude.

//checks cell phone

Says the guy who runs a program that has about as much chance of making a bowl game than I do in the next four years. Why are you checking your cell phone?

Because with the bevy of players I'm going to get from your school, we're going to be good. I'm talking 5-7, bro. We're going to crush you now, and your soon to be former players know it. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring, my man.

//checks cell phone

Well, I'll tell you, at Ohio State, we're not in the business of poaching Penn State players. Unless it's November. And I just got hired. And I really need some players. Then I'm going to get mine, and screw all of you. Cause I'm the Urb and I'M RECROOTIN' DOODZ, Man.

Well, as the head coach and the face of compliance and following the rules, are you going to go after anyone?

Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I have a problem with that. I don't even know what the rules are. Fuck it, I'll take 'em all. Got any wide receivers worth a shit?

Coach O'Brien, care to comment?

No.

//checks cell phone

Well, I just want to say how great it is to be at the University of Illinois, and happy birthday mom. It's important to recognize stuff like that, because MOMS ARE AWESOME, WOO!

Coach Beckman, are you going to actively recruit Penn State players?

Only if they call us.

That's not the rumor I heard.

Well, maybe we had a grad assistant in the state of Pennsylvania.

Really? I heard it was more than that.

Well, maybe one of my assistants were there. But they were in State College, not on campus.

Wow, I heard that your entire staff was right outside the Lasch building, with the exception of you. And that they had two greyhound buses, rope, and a 55 gallon drum of chloroform. That sounds suspiciously like a mass kidnapping, coach.

Hey, THEY CALLED US!

You sound goofier than your predecessor, do you know that? Coach O'Brien, care to comment?

Nope.

//checks cell phone

//leans over to Ferentz

I thought Illinois fired Zook?

Illinois football is like an STD. It's painful and it keeps on giving.

HA! Uh, wait...

//thinks to himself who hates Iowa..

I hate you, Ferentz

Eat a bag of gopher dicks.

Floyd says hi. He spent last night at your mom's.

...

Coach Kill, will you be looking at anyone on Penn State's roster?

Nah, they wouldn't come here on a bet.

Coach O'Brien, care to comment?

Nope.

//checks cell phone

Coach Pelini, are you interested in any Penn State players?

RAAAAAWRARRGHPIUSSSPITTLETERRIBLEFARTNOISE..N IS FOR NOOOOOOOOOOO...NEXTFUCKINGQUESTIONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

So we'll count you as maybe. Coach Hoke, how about you?

I can't tell you how much respect I have for Pennsylvania. Ohio. Pennsylvania is in a unique spot in the conference, and by unique I mean 'gooned'. But we'll keep our business our business. Ohio. And of course by 'our business', I mean 'an arrest a day until week one'.

Marky Mark, what say you?

Well, only if they got somebody who knows how to not run into the punter with the B1G championship on the line. If not, I'll just be happy kicking the shit out of Michigan with one and two star guys.

HOKEMANIA WILL RUIN YOU IN 2012, BROTHER!. WE HAVE THE MOMENTUM OF OUR CONVINCING BCS WIN AND THE ARM PUNTINGEST QB IN THE NATION BROTHER!

Well, that's all we have. Thanks for doing this, gentlemen.

Wait a minute. I have something to say!

//stands, tears ACL

//sobs, tears other ACL

God. Damn. it.

//checks cell phone