Islamabad – Sharia Correspondent: The Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) concluded their 192nd meeting on Thursday with the ruling that women are un-Islamic and that their mere existence contradicted Sharia and the will of Allah. As the meeting concluded CII Chairman Maulana Muhammad Khan Shirani noted that women by existing defied the laws of nature, and to protect Islam and the Sharia women should be forced to stop existing as soon as possible. The announcement comes a couple of days after CII’s 191st meeting where they dubbed laws related to minimum marriage age to be un-Islamic.

After declaring women to be un-Islamic, Shirani explained that there were actually two kinds of women – haraam and makrooh. “We can divide all women in the world into two distinct categories: those who are haraam and those who are makrooh. Now the difference between haraam and makrooh is that the former is categorically forbidden while the latter is really really disliked,” Shirani said.

He further went on to explain how the women around the world can ensure that they get promoted to being makrooh, from just being downright haraam. “Any woman that exercises her will is haraam, absolutely haraam, and is conspiring against Islam and the Ummah, whereas those women who are totally subservient can reach the status of being makrooh. Such is the generosity of our ideology and such is the endeavour of Muslim men like us who are the true torchbearers of gender equality,” the CII chairman added.

Officials told Khabaristan Today that the council members deliberated over various historic references related to women and concluded that each woman is a source of fitna and a perpetual enemy of Islam. They also decided that by restricting them to their subordinate, bordering on slave status, the momineen and the mujahideen can ensure that Islam continues to be the religion of peace, prosperity and gender equality.

Responding to a question one of the officials said that international standards of gender equality should not be used if they contradict Islam or the constitution of Pakistan that had incorporated Islam and had given sovereignty to Allah. “We don’t believe in western ideals, and nothing that contradicts Islam should ever be paid heed. In any case by giving women the higher status of being makrooh, it’s us Muslims who have paved the way for true, Sharia compliant feminism,” the official said.

The CII meeting also advised the government that to protect Islam women’s right to breathe should also be taken away from them. “Whether a woman is allowed to breathe or not be left up to her husband or male guardian, and no woman under any circumstance whatsoever should be allowed to decide whether she can breathe or not,” Shirani said.

Bilawal announces Sukhbir’s concert to raise food for drought victims

Thar – Staff Report: Pakistan Peoples Party (Chairman) Bilawal Benazir Zulfikar Asif Ali Zardari Bhutto (short Bilawal Bhutto) has invited renowned pop singer to Thar for a concert to raise food for the drought victims, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Bilawal believes that Sukhbir’s show, which he dubbed the Thar Festival, will generate enough money to serve the hungry people in the region.

“You have no idea how much the situation in Thar is hurting me personally. The Sindh government is trying so hard to make sure that everyone in the province is happy, and yet we see such appalling pictures. I really feel like I might have to organise another Sindh Festival here,” Bilawal told Khabaristan Today.

He then went on to explain how inviting Sukhbir over for a concert will solve the hunger crisis in the region. “I guess I will have to make do with a mini Thar festival, since another Sindh Festival might not be possible right now. In any case we are inviting Sukhbir over for a concert and all the money generated from the concert would go straight to the relief fund dedicated to the Thar victims,” Bilawal added.

The PPP chairman further said that if concerts can make Imran Khan’s (the former cricketer, not the singer or the actor) Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaaf the second biggest party in the country, they can “sure as hell” make PPP the second biggest party in Sindh.

“Sure, we might be calling the shots in the province but everyone knows who the biggest party in Sindh is, I mean come on,” Bilawal reiterated adding that, “Sukhbir’s party might help us establish ourselves as the second biggest provincial political party and help solve the Thar crisis simultaneously.”

The PPP chairman then went on to do a bhangra dance on “Ishq Tera Tadpaay” exclusively for Khabaristan Today, forcing our camera man to resign unconditionally.

529 Paul Smith outlets open in Charsadda on the same day

Charsadda – Fashion Correspondent: In what was a historic day for fashion 529 Paul Smith outlets opened simultaneously in Charsadda on Tuesday, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Another surprising fact about these outlets was that the outlets only seemed to be dealing in Paul Smith’s latest offering, “Robert”. Even so, in a surprising turn of events the original version of the shoe that is being sold for around $600 worldwide, is being sold merely for Rs600 in these outlets.

We cannot seem to pinpoint the reason behind these bizarre happenings. But Paul Smith seems to have taken global and Pakistani fashion industry by storm this week. Robert seems to be here to stay, despite the fact that sales in Charsadda aren’t particularly high. Locals don’t see anything different in Robert as compared to what they have been wearing for generations.

“I didn’t even notice that all these outlets had opened in this city. Probably because all they seem to be offering are these shoes that my family has been wearing for a couple of centuries now,” a passerby told this scribe.

“And they are selling it at the same rate as Peshawari chappals. No wonder no one’s buying them,” he added.