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The A10 Cyclone SA is named like an industrial vacuum cleaner, and damn if it doesn't look like a scale model of one, too. According to Kotaku, it was introduced to the unwary world as a "sexual home appliance," which is corporate speak for "Yo, here's a Hoover you can finally fuck without ending up in the ER!" But despite its clunky, business-like exterior, let's not rain doom all over this thing right away. Plenty of sex toys look way goofy; it's how they function that counts.

With that in mind, allow the nice lady who is probably really happy to have her image forever associated with this fucking thing give you a quick peek at the gadgetry that lies within:

Via Kotaku

That looks like a good way to lose a finger, even before it starts spinning at high speeds.

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Yes, inside that unassuming shell lies a bona fide, rapidly spinning electrical sander vortex, ready to repeatedly rotate-brush any and all nearby dicks to oblivion. I guess that can be seen as a good thing if you're very literal-minded about polishing your pole, but for the casual masturbator that shit is just overkill. Oh, and because dong-flaying tornado machines only score a solid 6 on Japan's sliding scale of insanity, the Cyclone is also Bluetooth enabled so you can rig it to move in synch with, say, the play-by-play of last year's Super Bowl. Why would you ever want to do that? I don't know, because I'm not the one who's contemplating shelling out $300 for a customizable dick sander.