Hi, Fimfiction. Come in, sit down. Yes, over there. Have a beer. Wait, no, on second thoughts, you’re not allowed, you’re not even two years old yet. Have an apple juice.

I want you to think of me as a cool older brother. Well, okay, older brother.

Yes, I have been drinking, why do you ask?

No, no, don’t get up. There’s no point. The door’s locked. We’re going to have a little chat, you and I. This has been coming for a while, I’ve really been getting quite worried about you. I remember the old days, when we used to have such wonderful fun together; there was a real sparkle in your eyes, but now…

Don’t get all defensive. You know it’s true. You’ve let yourself go a bit, got a bit fat. Yeah, I know you’ve been producing a lot, but I’ve been marking it all, remember? Every night I’m sitting down, sifting through all those stories you’re writing and approving them. It doesn’t mean I approve of them, mind, just that they meet the lowest standards possible, and Fimfiction, so much just doesn’t. What are you playing at?

Yeah, the old days were a bit rough. You were younger then, there was more excuse for being a bit rubbish. I’m seeing good stuff from you, sure, but also lots of awful stuff. Lots of it. So much. You’re throwing over a hundred stories onto my desk every evening. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see you’re so enthused, but they’re all the same!

Oh, don’t give me that “But Blue, there’s only a limited number of stories!” You know what I mean! Sometimes I don’t even think you care anymore. Writing’s important, it’s an art form like, well, art is. There’s not really any excuses for half-assing it.

What’s with all these self-insert fics, Fimfiction? If you stood back and saw just how many you were writing, you would die with shame. And they’re all the same! Literally! You roll your face over the keyboard, writing about how your life is awful and then you travel to Equestria, and OH BOY THE STORY IS ABOUT TO GET GOOD! Then you stop writing and mash your face over ‘publish’. They’re all the same; who do you think will care once you publish without reaching the story? Why do you write the same thing over and over again? It breaks my heart, because I know how talented you can be!

Remember when we were playing Frisbee in the park the other week? I suggested watching a film, and then you started moaning about all the stuff in the cinema at the moment. You complained that it was all derivative, or that all the films were sequels or spinoffs, and you really wanted to see something original, but the “lazy Hollywood fatcats” couldn’t get off their arses and make something original. Then I got home and saw what you had left for me, and, well, they were all sequels. Sequels and crossovers and more sequels. ‘My Roommate Is a Fallout Spike in a Box 2’ or something. Do you remember, we sat down and had a chat, and you just said that it was the only way to make sure people would like your stories.

Well, I guess that’s that mystery solved.

You’re a good kid. I’ve stuck by you when times were tough. I know you have some real talent, but too often you just want to get by on the minimum of effort. No, sit down. Don’t give me that “fanfic doesn’t really count”. That’s like saying it’s fine to draw stick figures instead of real drawings. I know you spend hours and hours on your stories; writing a story takes more time than a dozen intricate drawings or youtube videos, so why do you half-ass the important stuff?

No, stop it. It does matter. It matters because you’re putting a lot of time into this, and you expect me to put a lot of time into reading it. I know you care, deep down, but sometimes you just don’t get it. You think that writing a story is just about putting words on a page, but it’s not. If you write about your character doing A then B then C then D, it’s not a story, it’s just Stuff That Happens. A story is actually about something. It’s about something you care about, there are ideas and themes and it’s all about you putting your heart and soul into it; that’s what turns a story from a crude stick figure into a real drawing. It’s why the original Star Wars films were brilliant movies with real emotion compared to the Prequels, which were about men in robes hitting each other with sticks.

We’re not done yet. Sorry kid. You knew this was coming. I was frankly about to give up on you a few weeks back. Yes, you know why. Your little feature box.

Seriously, sometimes it is absolutely pathetic. That day when I logged in to see your box, that thing you wear proudly on your chest to show off the stories you love the most full of not one, not two, but three stories about filly sex. It’s feeble; is that really what you want to show the world you’re most proud of? Scootaloo getting nailed by Hitler, or whatever the hell it is?

Shut up. Sit down. I am drinking and I have a bottle in my hand which I am prepared to use. Yes, I understand that I can just turn off all the adult stories. But you know what? I’m an adult. My DVD shelf is full of movies rated 18. Some of them are brilliant. Alien! Terminator! Some weird Clint Eastwood film (he’s a cowboy, by the way). I don’t think it’s up to me to chuck all of them in case some horrible sewage also pops up.

The point is this: you churn out loads of terrible self insert stories, but I never see them hit your featured box. Every time though that some squalid little sex story about Sweetie Belle is submitted, I see it rocket to the top. You’re actually proud of it. It really worries me, Fimfiction. Even if it is terribly written, you can guarantee you will point at it and say “Yes, that is what I want people to see I like the best.”

No, I don’t care that ‘the other kids all favourite it, I don’t.’ This is the 21st century, there is a group responsibility. Why are you not championing stories that are actually good, why are you leaving it to all those horrid kids to hoist the rubbish to the top of the flagpole? If you see a story you like, you should upvote! You should favourite! You should tell the author it is good, and tell your friends!

It breaks my heart to see that you spend hours and hours, putting so much time and effort into stories about Rainbow Dash raping Scootaloo. And then you wave it about like it is the latest work of James Joyce. I really, really worry about you. It’s quite depressing to be honest, because you’re capable of so much more.

I’m not a prude, you know that. It’s just… come on, kid. Grow up. You don’t want to get put on some sort of list by the FBI. More than that though, have some self-respect. I don’t want to read your blogs where you moan about how you really wanted to write a story about underage Sweetie Belle but weren’t allowed to because THE MAN won’t let you write that as humanised. I mean… my god. Seriously? Listen to yourself!

I’m still here for you, you know that. You can do so much better than you are though. Get that spark back, stop just writing about the same rubbish again and again. I don’t want to read about you committing suicide and travelling to Equestria. I don’t want to read another of your sequels to My Little Dashie. I don’t want to watch you waste your life pumping out meaningless rubbish.

Again, I don’t care that it’s "only fanfiction". If you’re going to spend hours and days and months of your life on it, you better make sure it’s the best damn thing you ever made. Heck, Douglas Adams turned all his Doctor Who stuff into popular mass-market fiction, no reason you can’t do the same in the future!

Look, take this. Yeah, it’s a plushie. Okay, I know it’s Applejack, I didn’t want to give you something I’d actually miss. But here’s what you do. When you write a story, I want you to talk to your Applejack plushie out loud. Tell Applejack what your story is about. Tell her why you are writing the story. Tell her why your story is unique, and why people will read it and not all of the similar stories. If you can’t, then heck, stop writing and have a good think before starting again.

You’re a good kid. I know you can do it. You can go now; I’ve imparted all my wisdom.

Also I’m out of beer.