Washington D.C.—

According to the D.C. Chamber of Commerce, Washingtonians spent an estimated $6 million on mace spray in anticipation of Roy Moore winning the Alabama special election to replace Jeff Sessions’ seat in the Senate.

“Every Walmart in a 25-mile radius from the Capitol Building has been wiped clean of all mace-related products,” explained Matt Adams, regional supervisor of all Walmart stores in the Chesapeake area. “We’ve done a lot of unexpected business in taser sales, pocket knife sales, rape whistle sales, and even machete sales as well. It appears that the people of the greater D.C. metro area were very worried about having a frequently-alleged child molester in their own backyard. In fact, since election night when Doug Jones proved the winner of the election, about one-third of the self-defense items have been returned for store credit. It appears that many people here in D.C. are relieved that Roy Moore will not be moving here.”

In a “thank you” to Alabamians, who cared enough about the dignity and legacy of Congress to not elect disgraced ex-judge Roy Moore, another approximate third of the self-defense items were gifted to Alabama and distributed to teenaged girls throughout the state by the Red Cross.

“If Roy Moore is not coming to D.C., then it’s obvious that some teenaged girl in Alabama needs my pepper spray and brass knuckles more than I do,” said Sally Richards, a Georgetown resident, who donated her weapons.

However, some Alabamians are disappointed that Moore lost.

“To be totally honest, I did vote for Roy Moore,” explained Lindsey Watterston, a Birmingham resident. “It was 100% selfish, but I don’t regret it at all. I don’t want Roy Moore in my state. If electing him to the Senate was the only way to keep that fundamentalist, gay-hating, slavery-advocating, 19th Century charlatan out of Alabama, well, sorry, D.C.! I don’t like being put in the position where I have to keep mace in my hand every time I want to go shopping at the mall just to make sure that disgraced judge stays away from my daughters. Oh, and I would like to take a moment to thank Paul Kampe of Arlington, Virginia, for gifting me several tasers, as well as the Red Cross for delivering it to my girls this morning. It was a very nice thought, Paul, and my girls thank you for thinking of them and their safety now that that pedophile judge is coming back to Alabama!”

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(Photo courtesy of the US Department of Agriculture.)

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