If – when? – England make it to the final, then will the squad shake hands with Vladimir Putin? A man responsible, or at least being held responsible by the British authorities, for the murder of a British citizen?

Admittedly, Putin, or his cronies/agents/proxies/people-working-to-his-presumed-wishes wouldn’t have targeted the people concerned, but that’s not really much of a defence, just saying “Whoopski!”

It is no idle question. Here we are, on the threshold of England’s first final in half a century, and with a full blown diplomatic crisis going on. The home secretary Sajid Javid has just condemned the Russians for using Salisbury as a dumping ground for their chemical weapons, the defence secretary Gavin Williamson has told the Russians to “go away”. Boris Johnson has compared Russia’s hosting of the tournament to Hitler’s Olympics. (We might also remember that the England football team, captained by Stanley Matthews, gave a Nazi salute before a 1938 “friendly” – it was the age of appeasement – against Germany in Berlin).

Yet, over there in Russia, Harry Kane and the boys are resolutely ignoring all that. Fine, but what happens when they have to get all chummy with this aggressive near-dictator? Should they snub him? Can they snub him?

When the Skripals were attacked there were calls for England to boycott the contest, or try to have it relocated, admittedly with about as much hope as of the team progressing beyond the usual quarter-final stage. But now?

Certainly in the event that England won it would be a global propaganda coup – for Putin. It would be he who, as Russian head of state and government, would be one of the main figures handing out the winners’ medals and the trophy. The ex-KGB boy would be up there dishing out the gongs, just as President Dilma Rousseff did when Rio hosted last time round, or President Zuma of South Africa did in 2010. For that matter, too, just as the Queen did in 1966. You’d hope that Putin wouldn’t take the opportunity to smear some novichok on the Fifa World Cup trophy. He might well, though, insist that the World Cup is not “won” officially until the ceremony is properly completed, which means the money shot with ol’ Vlad.

So it will be a strange event, this meeting between the representatives of two nations, one of which is allegedly committing acts of war against the other, as well as suspected of interfering in the Brexit referendum.

There will, we can be sure, be no senior British figure up there on the stage with Putin – no Prince William, no Theresa May, no – God help us – Boris Johnson. Not even Tracey Crouch. The nearest the Russians could get to a UK dignitary would be Nigel Farage, technically a UK MEP for southeast England. He’d be on the first plane out to Moscow, but I think some of us would consider that a bit of an own goal. Surely we wouldn’t want to inflict him on this golden generation.

Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Show all 40 1 /40 Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Forensic investigators, wearing protective suits, emerge with bagged evidence from the rear of John Baker House in Salisbury, after it was confirmed that two people living in Amesbury had been poisoned with the nerve-agent Novichok. Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Dawn Sturgess, a mother-of-three from Durrington, died after being exposed to novichok Facebook Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok British police are scouring sections of Salisbury and Amesbury in southwest England, searching for a container feared to be contaminated with traces of the deadly nerve agent Novichok. Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Officers hope that Charlie Rowley, whose partner Dawn died in hospital, can help them establish how the couple came to be contaminated AFP Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok An investigator in a chemical suit works behind screens erected in Rollestone Street PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Fire and Rescue Service personel arrive with safety equipment at the site of a housing estate on Muggleton Road, after it was confirmed that two people had been poisoned with the nerve-agent novichok, in Amesbury Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Forensic investigators at John Baker House Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police and military personnel seized a car from a quiet residential street in Swindon as part of their ongoing investigations into the nerve agent incident in Salisbury and Amesbury SWNS Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Emergency workers in military protective suits search the fenced off John Baker House AP Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok A forensic investigator, wearing a protective suit, emerges from the rear of John Baker House, after it was confirmed that two people had been poisoned with the nerve-agent Novichok, in Amesbury, Britain, July 6, 2018. REUTERS/Henry Nicholls HENRY NICHOLLS Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Forensic investigators at John Baker House Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Emergency services arrive at John Baker House EPA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Dorset Fire and Rescue Service at the house PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Tents set up by search teams are seen at the end of Rollestone Street, outside the John Baker House for homeless people in Salisbury. British police are scouring sections of Salisbury and Amesbury in southwest England, searching for a container feared to be contaminated with traces of the deadly nerve agent Novichok. AP Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Dorset Fire and Rescue Service at the house in Muggleton Road PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Fire and Rescue Service safety equipment Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police activity at the house in Muggleton Road PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Emergency services arrive at John Baker House EPA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Fire and Rescue Service safety equipment PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police tents are erected outside a residential address in Amesbury, southern England, on July 6, 2018 where police reported a man and woman were found unconscious in circumstances that sparked a major incident after contact with what was later identified as the nerve agent Novichok. Police on July 6, 2018, raced to find the object that contaminated a British couple with the Soviet-made Novichok nerve agent in southwestern England where a former Russian spy was poisoned with the same toxin four months ago. / AFP PHOTO / Chris J RatcliffeCHRIS J RATCLIFFE/AFP/Getty Images CHRIS J RATCLIFFE AFP/Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Emergency services arrive at the house in Muggleton Road in Amesbury PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Members of the emergency services at the house in Muggleton Road PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Gas masks AFP/Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Forensic tents outside John Baker House on Rolleston Street, Salisbury, Wiltshire, where counter-terrorism police are investigating after a couple were left in a critical condition when they were exposed to the nerve agent Novichok. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Friday July 6, 2018. Dawn Sturgess, 44, and Charlie Rowley, 45, were taken ill on Saturday in Amesbury, around eight miles from where former Russian spy and his daughter were poisoned with the same substance in Salisbury in March. See PA story POLICE Amesbury. Photo credit should read: Yui Mok/PA Wire Sam Blewett PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Fire and Rescue Service personel prepare safety equipment Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police investigators arrive at the site of a housing estate on Muggleton Road Reuters Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok A police officer stands guard behind the housing estate REUTERS Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police on the scene Getty Images Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok The couple remain in a critical condition at Salisbury District Hospital AFP/Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok In March Russian former spy Sergei Skripal and his 33-year-old daughter Yulia were poisoned with the Russian-made Novichok in the town of Salisbury. British Prime Minister Theresa May has accused Russia of being behind the attack on the former spy and his daughter, expelling 23 Russian diplomats in retaliation Getty Images Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok British police are cordoning off places the people are known to have visited before falling ill EPA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok British police officers stand outside a residential property in Amesbury AP Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Deputy Chief Constable of Wiltshire Police Paul Mills makes a statement to the press outside The Bowman Centre after Wiltshire Police declared the situation a major incident Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Amesbury Baptist Centre PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Amesbury resident Sam Hobson, speaks to assembled press outside Amesbury Baptist Centre claiming to be a friend of the man and woman exposed to an unknown substance Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok The pair were found unconscious at an address in Muggleton Road, Amesbury Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police cordon at Queen Elizabeth Gardens in Salisbury. The town is around 10 miles from Salisbury where former Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia were poisoned in a suspected nerve agent attack PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Deputy Chief Constable of Wiltshire Police Paul Mills makes a statement Getty Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Police officers stand outside Boots pharmacy, near to the Barcroft Medical Centre in Amesbury PA Amesbury major incident after couple exposed to novichok Amesbury Baptist Centre PA

We should, though, give them a heroic welcome on their return, with a succession of open bus odysseys around England, plus immediate knighthoods for each member of the squad (no need to make some of them wait decades as we did after 1966). Plus an English bank holiday (which will cover the national hangover).