The digital manager: I am frightened that when I come back my job will have changed, and I will have to fight my way back in

What I wish I could tell my boss: 'I am terrified to go on maternity leave'

I’m terrified to go on maternity leave.

I found out I was pregnant when I’d been at this job for only a few weeks. I was shaking when I told you, and felt on edge the following few weeks, because I was terrified of losing my job and everything that would follow. But you’ve been amazing, as has the team.

I’ve been stunned at how encouraged I felt to attend every appointment while still being paid, and book days off when I wanted them. You’ve gone out of your way to keep me safe and secure, and even suggested measures to enable me to keep working for longer, which has been invaluable. I will be eternally grateful for how easy you’ve made this pregnancy.



What I wish I could tell my boss: 'I won't apologise for my children' Read more

But I’m still terrified to go on maternity leave. You reassure me again and again that the cover you’ve arranged is a short contract. You tell me you are legally unable to get rid of me even if you wanted to, which you don’t. But I have this image of my replacement wowing you, and finding myself jobless with a three-month-old baby.

I think I’m most scared that maternity leave will show I’m not as integral as I think I am; that work will keep turning without me. I’m frightened that when I come back my job will have changed, my replacement will still be there, and I’ll find myself having to fight my way back in. I’m worried I’ll find myself in a different role with less money and my carefully balanced spreadsheet of mortgage payments and childcare costs will collapse. I’m terrified that maybe I won’t be the cool, urban working mum that you are. I’ll be the one that can’t do both and starts talking about nipple pads in a board meeting.



The fact that you’re a working mum should be a reassurance. You have flexible working hours and you work around your family. You lead by example, and you actively show me that a working mum can work well in this company.



But I wish I could tell you how insecure I’m still feeling about having a baby. I wish I could ask you to tell me you won’t forget about me in the coming months, and that you won’t dread my return. My replacement is a man with no ties and no-doubt boundless energy. Will you still want me when I’m a knackered working parent, endlessly juggling work and childcare?



I wish I could give my boss a hug and thank her for making this pregnancy easy, and I wish she would hug me back and tell me she can’t wait for me to come back.