Washington, D.C. — Today, the National Rifle Association announced its support for a controversial procedure in which a human hand is transformed into a living gun.

“A good guy with a gunhand will always beat a bad guy with a hand gun,” exclaimed NRA President Wayne La Pierre.

President Trump spent the morning at <insert local hospital name> comforting and simultaneously taking away health care rights from those recently wounded by the <insert American city name> shooting.

“What about grabbing?” asked Trump. “Can a gunhand grab?”

“Gunhand surgery will set you back about $18,000, but you will never be without your gun again,” mansplained Fox News icon and notorious sexual predator Bill O’Reilly. “Getting a gunhand job is not gay, right? Asking for a friend.”

In response to criticism for her silence over <insert name of this week’s shooting>, Presidential Adviser Ivanka Trump went to the spa, but only after working diligently to create dozens of private email accounts from which she could offer up strategic U.S. assets to our enemies for pennies on the dollar.

“When God wrote the Second Amendment, he did not say, ‘By the way, no gunhands,” claimed Dinesh D’Souza, convicted felon and anti-Obama children’s book author. “I’m smart! Maybe God made me too smart? Cogito ero sum—body stop me!”

“The Mask is still cool, right guys?” D’Souza asked the small hate group stationed at his home.

Later, when briefed about a projected rise in handshake and high five deaths, La Pierre did not appear worried.

“We’ve inscribed the words ‘thoughts and prayers’ on every gunhand bullet, so when you die, our thoughts and prayers will be with you always.”