1. In her first offical act as "serious" 2016 presidential contender Sarah Palin declares war (on Bill O'Reilly).

It's extremely lonely being Sarah Palin, lonely at the outer lunatic fringe of the right-wing universe. There are the voices stringing together those non sequiturs in her head, of course, but where are her Fox News friends? They're faux friends, that's what they are.

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After the universally ridiculed stream of nonsense that issued from Sarah Palin at last weekend's conservative confab in Iowa, she came out swinging during an appearance on "Hannity." Sean Hannity, it should be noted, is apparently conservative enough for Palin. That's a relief. But O'Reilly, who dared question her seriousness about a possible run for president in 2016? He's trouble.

“There needs to be unity, understanding,” Palin told Hannity. “Conservatives have that strike against us right off the bat, that being the media. Even there on Fox, you know, kind of a quasi- or assumed conservative outlet ... and soon we have all day listening to the tease of Bill O’Reilly’s."

Hmmm, did Roger Ailes get the memo about the "quasi-conservative" operation he's running? Someone should really tell him. Palin then spewed some more sentence fragments that made sense to her:

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“[O'Reilly]’s talking about the guests on his show tonight, the commentary on his show, and that would be, ‘All these GOP contenders thinking about running for president, like Donald Trump, Sarah Palin,’ and he named some others — and he said, ‘Oh, what a reality show that would be, yuck yuck. Well the left doesn’t do that, okay? They take this serious [sic] — because this is war. And hopefully the media — even the quasi-right side of the media — won’t be looking at this as some kind of reality show, a joke.”

Hope away, Sarah. They all see you as a joke. All of them. Every last one of them.

2. Donald Trump declares war on Bill O'Reilly's "journalism."

Donald Trump? Did someone say Donald Trump? Nothing gets Trump's attention like his own name.

When he heard that Bill O'Reilly had questioned his seriousness as a presidential contender, the Trumpster took to Twitter, accusing O'Reilly of "bad and very deceptive journalism." This came as a complete shock to O'Reilly, who had no idea anyone considered what he does journalism. He thinks he is just bestowing wisdom on an adoring public.

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The two raging egomaniacs chitty chatted by phone Thursday during O'Reilly's show, and it was amicable enough up to a point.

"I don't think you're going to run for president," O'Reilly told Trump. "But if you decide to run, you've got to know that building the organization that you'd have to build is very difficult for someone who's never done it before."

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No one tells Trump he doesn't know how to build things.

"But how do you know I'm not building it now, Bill?" Trump said.

"Because you're playing golf in Miami, Donald," O'Reilly said.

Isn't that what presidents do?

Trump refused to "take back" the tweet, and O'Reilly advised him, "Don't be a pinhead. Don't tweet."

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This war within the conservoverse is very, very worrisome. This highly combustible combination of blow-hardism and hot air might just explode. Then conservative brain matter will litter the land like confetti, and hopefully be scooped up by scientists who will study the nature of this soon-to-be-extinct species.

3. Megyn Kelly schools Mike Huckabee on, umm, "reality, Mike."

Aw shucks, and gosh golly. Mike Huckabee sure is shocked at how these city slickers act. The author of God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy, and presumed presidential contender, is all about wholesome activities like traveling to the local gun range and not listening to the "mental poison" that is Beyoncé, but he is shocked by the mouths on these big-city women. The cursing! The dropping of the F-bomb! Like it's normal and everything. Someone has to teach these ladies a lesson.

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"In New York, not only do the men do it, but the women do it," Huckabee said in an interview with Iowa radio host Jan Mickelson. "You just are looking around saying, 'My gosh, this is worse than locker room talk.' This would be considered totally inappropriate to say these things in front of a woman. And for a woman to say them in a professional setting, we would only assume that this is a very, as we would say in the south, 'That's just trashy!'"

Fellow Fox newsian, Megyn Kelly does not truck with "trashy." She invited her former colleage on her show this week to give him a quick update on ... women, women who work, life, and reality.

“Well, I do have some news for you," Kelly said at the end of their little chat. "We're not only swearing. We’re drinking, we’re smoking, we’re having premarital sex with birth control before we go to work, and sometimes boss around a bunch of men.”

Huckabee kept that silly grin on his face, but when he realized with horror what she was saying (sex with birth control, egads!) he begged her to stop, said he hated to hear that, and presumably ran screaming into the New York night.

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4. Fox News has very nuanced discussion of sexual assault on campuses.

Oh, hahahhahaha. Just kidding. They totally didn't. Several female Fox newsians did sit around on their half-circle couches and discussed the fact that the University of Virginia has suggested sorority women stay home this weekend since fraternities will be partying hard during something Greek-lifers call "bid week." They discussed and deplored it, and naturally pointed out again that sexual assault, when it does happen on campuses (although it basically does not happen on campuses because women always lie about these things), is women's fault. In a piece of sterling analysis, Stacy Dash pointed out, "The good girls stay home." "Women," her co-hosts interjected. "The bad girls—bad women," Dash snickered, "the ones who like to play, go out and play and sometimes get hurt." But that is okay, because, they are, you know, bad. "Alcohol is not to blame. It's the same thing with guns," Dash said, finally getting to her metaphor. "Guns don't kill people. People do." Also, could we just add, people who play with guns, people who have guns, people who have kids and guns, kids who have parents who have guns, etc....it's never the guns. "Alcohol doesn't get you drunk," she added. "You get yourself drunk." And to bring it all back home, then you get yourself raped. Because rapists don't rape people, people get themselves raped. Clear?

5. Texas governor officially declares "Chris Kyle Day" after real-life "American Sniper."

There are definite perks to being a governor. One is that you can officially declare holidays whenever the hell you want. Republican Texas governor Greg Abbott enjoyed this little perk this week when he officially declared February 2 "Chris Kyle Day" in honor of the real-life American sniper who killed many Iraqis, bragged about it, called all Muslims savages, and got a movie made out of his exploits starring Bradley Cooper.

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Chris Kyle is Gov. Abbott's kind of guy. “In honor of a Texas son, a Navy SEAL and an American hero, a man who defended his brothers and sisters in arms on and off the battlefield," Abbott said during a speech at the Texans Veterans of Foreign Affairs Mid-Winter Convention in Austin. "I am declaring February 2nd Chris Kyle Day in Texas.”

Hallelujah!

He left out the part where Kyle was killed by a disgruntled U.S. veteran on a Texas gun range in 2013. Nor did he say anything about the uptick in violence and violent rhetoric against Muslims who happen to make their home in Texas (and elsewhere) since the film's release. He had zero to say about the Republican lawmaker who proposed that Muslims in Texas take an oath of loyalty to the United States while sporting an Israeli flag on her desk.

So, how exactly should people go about celebrating Chris Kyle Day? Perhaps by going to their local gun range.