Okay, okay, let’s get started. Let it be known that each of them was built with D&D Beyond and at Level 3. If this takes off, I’ll go ahead and share their exact stats and spell-list.



Karamo Brown - Human Paladin, Lawful Good - Oath of the Ancients (Granny)

Karamo is the easiest one to build - Charisma and Strength are the most important stats to a Paladin and I’ve seen enough pictures of Karamo without a shirt to know he’s ripped. He’s a Paladin of Love but took the Oath from Granny in order to uphold her message of self respect. He also has the Fighting Style of Protection - He’s here to make sure you’re the best you can be, and he knows that sometimes that means taking the emotional toil (or fire bolt) off of someone else.

Tan France - High Elf Wizard, Neutral Good - School of Illusion

I found Tan also pretty easy to build. He’s vain by his own admission and clearly the most “persnickity” of the bunch, so he’s an Elf with zero question. He’s also incredibly well educated and observant, so he’d make a fantastic Wizard. He’d go to the school of Illusion because that’s what he’s best at: Making other people look as good as fucking possible through tricks and small touches. I know this could apply for Jonathan as well, but we’ll get to him in a minute. Tan also likes things neat and organized, just like Wizard magic is. He’d totally be working on an enchanted shirt that would French Tuck itself, of course.

Bobby Berk - Earth Genasi Druid, Chaotic Good - Circle of Dreams

So, Bobby was a bit harder than the others, but I figured out that he would be a Genasi - They’re the offspring of genies who are more in touch with nature than others. I don’t think Bobby is all that granola or crunchy, but the Earth Genasi are good at thinking, planning, and make decisions after lots of thought. Perfect for an interior designer, right? As Bobby doesn’t have much of a formal education but is clearly smart in an intuitive sense, I think he’d make a fantastic Druid as well! It allows him a wide variety of spells both supportive and personal. Picking his Circle was hard, as I originally was going to go with the Circle of Grasslands, but after looking at it, the Circle of Dreams fits so much better as it’s about creating comfort and positive energy.



Jonathan Van Ness - Half Elf Bard, Chaotic Good - College of Glamour

Why a Half Elf? Simple: He’s too damn pretty to be a human, and too damn chaotic to be an Elf. Get the best of both worlds. Besides, Half Elves can have beards! Jonathan was SO EASY to pick because of his big personality and pension for knowing a bit of everything or absolutely nothing at times. The College for him was also easy - The College of Glamour allows him to give himself a wondrous appearance. Not only does he look good, but everyone around him gets +5 hit points for not using parabens in their shampoo anymore.



Antoni Porowski - Human Monk, Lawful Good - Way of Tranquility

Antoni was a pain in the ass to figure out because I didn’t want him to be a Druid like Bobby, but brushing through the PHB I figured out the perfect class: Monk. Why Monk? Because the Monks are all about discipline and being skilled with your hands! It’s silly, but this whole thing is silly so let’s just lean into it. The Way of Tranquility fits Antoni best because of the Path of Tranquility, which would allow him to cast Sanctuary early. Sanctuary allows Antoni to have a safe space wherever he goes in order to prepare what’s necessary - In this case, food.

