

Subject: Letter to the Red States Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other

Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware,that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,

Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this

split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research

and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft.

You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture

capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make

the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch

of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be

pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizensback from Iraq at once. If you

need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to

their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's

caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up,

but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water,

more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent

of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of

the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister

schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have

to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent

of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent

of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of alltelevangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,

Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale,

62 percent believe life is sacredunless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws,

44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and

61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States



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