Welcome to this completely serious and ridiculously handy guide on how to be a lesbian.

This guide is suitable for: new lesbians – hello and welcome; old lesbians – hello and nice to see you again; and non-lesbians who want to find out how we have sex – hello and either a) stop asking me or b) skip right ahead to Chapter 7 to find out for yourself.

You may think that being a lesbian is simply sleeping with or being sexually attracted to women, but no, there’s more to it. It would seem that you have a lot to learn when it comes to being a lesbian, so go on and read this fucking guide. Pay attention, yeah?

Like with many things, lesbianism is thought to have originated in ancient Greek times, however, the evidence is scarce because all surviving sources from the classical period were, without exception, written by men. Of course they were. You’ll find throughout this guide that many things regarding gay culture mostly focus on men, but never fear, because I have made my way down into the deep gay hole of the world (interpret that as you will) to find the best bits of lesbian information and have compiled them here for you.

The word lesbian originates from the Greek island of Lesbos where Sappho wrote some downright filthy woman-on-woman poetry. Please note that I don’t know whether the poetry was filthy, but I imagine, with all that sun and ouzo, it probably was.

Also, Lesbos, if pronounced incorrectly, is a term many lesbians are often called in the street.

Other slang terms for lesbians include:

Dyke – rumored to originate from the word hermaphrodite, or the 1940s term bulldyke

Rug or carpet muncher – in honor of the act of cunnilingus, as it were

Doughnut bumper – each to their own; vaginas could look a bit like doughnuts, I guess…

Lezza – a rather unimaginative abbreviation of lesbian

Bean flicker – to flick, rub or massage someone else’s clitoris (or your own)

Todger dodger – a woman who dodges the penis

Muff diver – a woman who not-quite-literally dives into muff, also known as a lady garden

Butch – a lesbian who is, quite frankly, butch

Let’s have two more interesting facts before we really get started with teaching you how to be a proper lady lover:

A lavender rhino was the lesbian symbol in the 1970s, and although it was kind of cute, it was also kind of lame, so it hasn’t stood the test of time. The idea was that rhinos were docile and misunderstood, but they put up a good fight if they needed to.

The myth goes that Queen Victoria didn’t make female homosexuality illegal when she made male homosexuality illegal. This may or may not have been because she wasn’t aware lesbians existed. It might have been because whenever people back in the day heard the term gay they just thought of men bumming instead of women muff diving… and the same often applies today. Or it could be that she actually rather liked the idea of two women together and was actually a big homo herself. Who knows? Not me. Just putting theories out there.

Anyway, on with the guide!

Coming Out

It doesn’t matter if you come out to your parents when you’re 16 or 76 or if they are religious nuts or skeptical atheists, right wingers or left wingers, dead or alive: it’s their right as the people who birthed you to know who you are shagging.

Firstly, ensure that your parents are in a place where they are most comfortable, be it the living room, pub or local brothel. If they’re at ease then you’ll be at ease and it will all go swimmingly, unless it doesn’t.

The best thing to do is not to beat around the bush (metaphorical or physical). Just come out with it (pun intended). Perhaps mention other lesbians that your parents know or have seen on the television and compare yourself to them: “You know Clare Balding? Well you know she’s a lesbian? So am I”. Use a good role model rather than a bad one, so I’d recommend using Balders, rather than someone like Rose West.

If you’re still uncomfortable saying that you’re a proper gay lesbian lady, then why not take the cowardly option and tell them that you’re bisexual? By the time they realize that you’re actually a full-blown lezza, they would’ve gotten used to the idea and won’t be surprised when you only ever bring women round for weekly dinners.

Unfortunately, there are some parents that will take the news badly no matter how well you prepare. They’ll feel that your desire to not sleep with men is somehow a reflection on their parenting skills. They might blame a particularly tomboyish friend from your past, or your unhealthy interest in things that are “for boys” – things like football, the color blue or not liking ballet, for example.

The only thing to do if this happens is to tell them that you are happy being a lesbian and that your happiness should be worth more than their own comfort levels. If they are still total dicks about the whole thing, then perhaps don’t bring up the subject again, emigrate, and become a bit too dependent on alcohol.

You may think that your parents having a good reaction to you coming out as a lesbian would be a great thing, but you’d be wrong. When you go out on a first date with a lady or meet other lesbians you normally swap coming out stories and “they were fine with it” is a bit of a buzz killer. No one wants to hear more about how fine your parents were. Obviously, it’s good for you if your parents are fine with it; you’ll just have to rely on other interesting parts of your personality to use as an icebreaker.

Once you’ve come out to your parents that’s it for life: you never need to come out again. Well okay, just not for that week anyway. In life you will need to come out a number of times: to colleagues, neighbors, gynecologists, the lot. It’s very simple: you just need to slip the word ‘partner’ into a sentence, or if you don’t have one then follow the tips in the ‘butch’ section of the next chapter.

Style Guide

When people think of a lesbian they either think of the pretend naked ones in the porn videos, or the fat, short-haired, man-looking ones in everyday life. In fact, lesbians come in all shapes and sizes; although some styles are obviously more popular than others. Here are the three main lesbo style guides for you:

Butch: The stereotypical style of choice for lady lovers. Clothing preferences include, but are not limited to: polo shirts, men’s short sleeve shirts, men’s long sleeve shirts, men’s hoodies, men’s leather jackets, men’s combats, men’s baggy jeans, men’s boxer shorts and a lovely pair of Dr Martens.

Although style is 80% clothes, it’s also 19% attitude and 1% haircut. Haircuts synonymous with butches are short. Short, short, short. You want long hair? Okay, but only if it’s all just one length and there’s not even a hint of feathering or layers.

Femme: The opposite to butch is femme, short for femdom. Is it? I don’t know, but now that I’ve put that, it kind of makes sense… Anyway, to be femme is basically to dress, act and appear like a straight girl might, you know, with dresses, make up, ballet pumps etc – just don’t sleep with men.

Androgynous: The style that can be hard to get right without looking like the biggest butch out there: the androgynous style. Although it’s similar to ‘butch’, it’s a lot subtler and a lot more hipster-ish. Think smart, fitted, black suit, rather than large men’s tux. Short hair but with more style and flair.

There’s one item of clothing that fits in with all three categories. It’s versatile, smart, casual, fitted, baggy and just awesome: the lumberjack shirt. If lesbians were to have a uniform (OMG that would be great and also terrible at the same time) then the lumberjack shirt would definitely be it. However, if any straight girls are reading this then please can you refrain from wearing these shirts as it throws off our gaydar. Thank you kindly.

Interacting With Other Lesbians

I don’t know about other cities in the UK and around the world, but in London the gay district is Soho, and Soho is mainly full of men. So, when you are on the lookout for a nice lady to spend your life (or night) with then you only really have the choice of two bars in London: downstairs at G-A-Y and She Bar, both underground, both very full of sofas.

Unlike in gay male culture, lesbian culture has a more timid approach when it comes to meeting a potential mate. If you’re at a bar and you see a nice-looking lady, you don’t want to approach her, ask her name, have some banter, then exchange numbers. No. What you want to do is stare at her from across the other side of the room for the entire night. You may then choose to find out her name just for online stalking purposes, but you certainly don’t want to appear keen. That’s not the lesbian way.

Of course, the most popular way to meet a possible mate is on dating websites/apps. All the dating apps have the gay option, so it’s easy to find a wide range of lesbians in your local area. If you’re a vegan (statistics say that if you’re a lesbian then you’re 89.5% more likely to be a vegan) then you’re in luck, as there’s a vegan dating app.

The lesbian scene in London can be quite incestuous. I once had two dates lined up with two different women (please note, this doesn’t happen often and will probably never happen again) who I met in very different circumstances. One was a fellow stand-up comedian and the other was someone whose friend recommended her on a dating website. Well long, boring story shorter and less boring: they were exes.

It’s not uncommon for lesbians to date each other and remain friends after breaking up. It’s also not uncommon for friends to be friends for years, then date and then break up and never see each other again because their bad relationship ruined their friendship. Just a word of warning: if you’re going to shag your friends then make sure they’re not your favorite friend, or you’ll be fucked.

Hobbies

Now that you’ve come out, have chosen a style to follow and have interacted with or stared at another lesbian, it’s time to get some hobbies.

Apart from sleeping with women, lesbians have lots of hobbies, most of which can be used as another way of making friends or just knowing if someone is a lesbo or not. For example, you know a girl who goes camping but you’re not sure if she’s a gay – think of it this way: do you see a bunch of straight women going camping with all their own kit, mallet and all? No, you do not. She’s a dyke, my friend. She’s a dyke.

Camping: the number one favorite lesbian pastime. If you really want to commit to lady loving then I’m afraid camping is something you’ll have to get on board with. Think of it like spending Christmas with the family: no one wants to do it but it’s the law, so get on fucking board.

Rules for camping:

Buy a tent. A big one with at least three compartments: one for sleeping, one for getting changed and one for propping up a little table where you can offer a selection of lesbian tea and biscuits for your fellow lesbian campers.

Bring warmth. Lots of warmth! Even when you’re camping in July it’s fucking cold at night, so lots of blankets and a duvet for your blow-up bed is a must.

Bring food. Lots of it – and preferably stuff that doesn’t need to go in the fridge.

Bring lots of alcohol and games for maximum lesbian fun times.

Bring other lesbians. Not everything is better with other people but camping is definitely one of them.

If you prefer the warm, comfortable interior of a hotel room rather than sleeping in a field with nothing more than a thin piece of material to protect you, then why not partake in some other hobbies popular with muff divers. These include driving Volvos, walking your dog with other lesbians (dykes with dogs), playing football, doing arts and crafts, origami, carpentry, interior design and rambling.

The lesbians love a good walk and if they can do it with Clare Balding for a BBC Radio 4 special, then what an absolute thrill. What is it about carpet munching that makes women want to go for a long walk along the Jurassic coastline? Beats me. DIY.

There’s a very famous saying: give a lesbian a screwdriver and she’ll build you a wardrobe. Teach a lesbian to screw and she’ll make you a community center with a large granny annex and horse stables.

It’s a fact that gay men teach you makeup, fashion and how to be bitchy, and gay women teach you how to install underfloor heating, change a light bulb and utilize your recycling.

Your first toolkit is something rather special but it can be confusing; there are so many tools in B&Q and that’s just the staff. Only joking – the staff in B&Q have always been very helpful and friendly when it comes to my purchases. Homebase on the other hand…absolute cunts. Again, this is a joke. Please do not sue me for calling you cunts, instead send me free stuff for promoting your shop. Thank you.

The things you need to buy for your first toolkit:

Screwdriver – make sure it’s a magnetic one so that you can put it on your fridge next to your recycling schedule.

Hammer – for putting nails in walls or telling the neighbors to shut the fuck up.

Nails – to give you something to hammer into the wall when you’re telling the neighbors to shut the fuck up.

Allen keys – fucking loads of them. You can never have too many in your life.

Pliers – to prise open your girlfriend’s cold, cold heart.

Lastly, you will need a spanner to tighten up nuts – both metaphorical and physical. You own a toolkit now: you’re the boss.

Fantastic. Now that you have your toolkit you need to buy a shit load of paint brushes and at least ten tins of gloss and emulsion paint and paint every wall in your house. Oh, they don’t need painting? Don’t care. You’re a lesbian now and you need to paint your walls, ceilings and skirting boards, and don’t forget to varnish every piece of wood furniture you have.

Celebrity Knowledge

Our lesbian queen is, of course, Ellen DeGeneres. Those next in line to the throne include Billie-Jean King, Clare Balding and Ellen Page.

As you’re new to the lesbian world, I will tell you the celebrities you should know about and a little bit of information about each one. I’ve put the lesbians into three easy to comprehend categories. How bloody kind of me.

Old School Lesbians:

Rosie O’Donnell – large, loud, American lesbian who featured in Will & Grace,

Ellen DeGeneres – the universe’s biggest talk-show host who isn’t Oprah,

KD Lang – Canadian singer who, according to Wikipedia, is also an occasional actress,

Rhona Cameron – Scottish lesbian who outed Sue Perkins on I’m A Celeb,

Jodie Foster – American actress and lamb whisperer,

Billie-Jean King – the Universe’s best female tennis player who didn’t come out of Oracene Price’s vagina (that’s Serena and Venus Williams’ mother for those not in the know).

New Millennial Lesbians:

Ellen Page – short actress and title character from the film Juno,

Kristen Stewart – the annoying girl from Twilight who is now a totes awesome, moody lesbian,

Cara Delevingne – posh English model who has a very nice face,

Ruby Rose – Aussie actress from OITNB and some Vin Diesel flick,

Kate McKinnon – comedian who dresses up as Ellen and Bieber but still looks straight.

Lesbians your mum likes:

Clare Balding – lovely horsey lady off the telly who never seems to be off the telly,

Sue Perkins – comedian, one half of Mel and Sue and ex-Bake Off presenter,

Sandi Toksvig – short Danish QI presenter and new Bake Off presenter,

Elton John – okay, so not a lesbian per se, but the most lesbionic looking man ever.

The Lesbian Bible

If you haven’t already binged watched ‘The L Word’ then what the fuck are you doing?! Oh, you’re reading this very useful lesbian guide. I’ll let you off then. Once you’ve finished this spiffing piece of informative writing, I suggest you rush to your local Blockbuster and rent all six seasons immediately.

Why? Well because many of us lesbos learned our morals and ethics from watching the show. ‘Tis our Bible, our Quran, our Torah, our blueprint. Some things that you will learn about lesbians from watching ‘The L Word’ include: lesbians are terrible lesbians at the start. You think that the hot, lesbian serial dater in your town was born a goddess of all things muff diving? No, when she first came out she was the same frigid, cold, bloated, ugly lesbian that you probably are.

All lesbians are rich. Filthy rich. It’s a fact and it’s represented really well on ‘The L Word’. Everyone has huge fuck off houses, designer clothes and spends most of their time in The Planet. Clearly no one has a job and those that do work only a three-hour month.

Sex

Finally, the sexy chapter. Depending on where you live and how old you are, people may or may not ask you how lesbians have sex. Simply tell them that it involves a chicken, two metres of blue string and a half-eaten bag of jelly babies and leave it at that.

So, how do we have sex? Well you can choose to penetrate another lady with your fingers, fists, arms or entire body – depending on the size of you and the size of her vagina. You might like to buy a dildo or a strap on from a sex shop or online shop that promises total discretion. You can also buy them on Amazon Prime but there’s nothing particularly discrete about Priming a whopping 10” cock for next-day delivery.

Scissoring. People do it but it’s awkward, and you end up feeling like you’re pretending to have a fit while getting kicked in the face.

The main important thing you need to remember when thinking or doing lesbian sex is that there are no ‘men’ in it, and I don’t mean that there are no physical men because obviously there aren’t. I mean that when some dickhead asks which one is “the man” they are too heavily into gender roles, and lesbian sex doesn’t have gender roles. Sausage rolls not gender roles, people.

Like with heterosexual sex, everything in lesbian sex is and can be covered just the same; the only difference is that there’s no sperm and no risk of getting pregnant. Yay! What a turn on.

Whether it’s anal, oral, penetrative or some proper weird shit, as a lesbian you can have sex however the fuck you want. Just don’t do it with a man because that means that you’re bisexual and this is a book for lesbians. Only joking – this is a book for everyone! Don’t get your bisexual rainbow braces in a twist.

One big misconception about lesbians is that we know what the other likes immediately just because we’ve got the same bits. This is fake news, people. Fake. News. Sad. Like with straight couples, it can take a while for the sex to be good and to find what each other likes and doesn’t like.

Unlike with straight couples, both parties normally orgasm and then end on a cuddle where at least one of them cries because they love each other so much. I once read a joke that said if babies were made only when the woman had an orgasm then there’d be only six people in the world. What a stereotypical, lazy and utterly hilarious thing to say.

Lesbian Sex Terminology:

Gold star – you’ve never had sex with a man,

Lesbian bed death – you and your partner stop or very rarely have sex,

Pillow princess – a lesbian who likes to lay there and get all the good stuff but doesn’t actually reciprocate it,

Funch – a quick shag at lunch, wonderful.

Tearing The Homophobes a New One

Now that you’re a proper lezzy lesbo you not only get to enjoy all the lesbian things in life but you also get to enjoy all the anti-lesbian things in life e.g. Bible bashing homophobes.

Please note that not all homophobes bash Bibles. Some bash the Torah, the Quran or any other religious text of their choosing.

You’re not going to win every argument you have with a homophobe, but you will win most of them by using hard facts and wit:

Example 1

Homophobe: “The Bible says being gay is wrong”

You: “The Bible also says that it’s a sin to wear mixed fabrics and eat shellfish so I suggest you take all your clothes off, you fishy cunt.”

Example 2

Homophobe: “What you do in the bedroom is disgusting.”

You: “Do you not go down on your wife? / Does your husband not go down on you? You poor thing! You really must try it; it feels nice and it won’t end up in unwanted pregnancies that drain the state and add to our already overpopulated world.”

Example 3

Homophobe: “Being a lesbian is a choice.”

You: “Being a cunt is a choice and you seem to have chosen very poorly indeed. Now excuse me while I go bump doughnuts with my girlfriend.”

Example 4

Homophobe: “You’re a lesbian because no men will have you.”

You: “No, I’m a lesbian because although I don’t hate men, I don’t want their genitalia anywhere near me and my genitalia. It’s proper minging.”

Congratulations! You have now reached the end of this very useless lesbian guide and are ready to go out into the world as a proper lady lover. Just a quick word of warning before you do: we have gone through what you should do, but I’m going to leave you with a tip on what you shouldn’t do.

Don’t be a ’Scene Queen’. They are the worst type of lesbian and are usually found in gay bars wearing polo shirts with the collar up, sporting Justin Bieber haircuts and an unhealthy love of themselves. They like to sleep their way around the lesbian scene, being an arse to everyone. Don’t be that person.

Now go and lez your way through life, dear child.

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