Dwight Howard has been a Houston Rocket for three weeks. I sent him some text messages.

Me: yo, yo

Dwight: hey

Me: so, man, I mean are you really in the news this much all the time?

Dwight: what do you mean?

Me: well, right around the time that you signed up with Houston, I set up a “dwight howard” email alert and every day there are four or five stories about you

Dwight: :) i have a dwight howard email alert also.

Me: I figured. So there are always this many stories about you?

Dwight: I also have one for “Houston rockets” and I also have one for “hotdog fistfight”

Me: um, what?

Dwight: What what?

Me: what do you mean what what? Hot dog fistfight, bro

Dwight: oh. it mostly just returns zero results but, I’m saying, what if a video pops up of a hot dog fistfight? I don’t wanna miss that.

Me: What’s a hot dog fistfight though?

Dwight: I DON’T KNOW THAT’S WHY I HAVE THE ALERT.

Me: :/

Dwight: it could be something ordinary like two guys that get in a fight over a hot dog (I saw a video like that last year) but it could be something amazing like two actual hot dogs that fight each other

Me: cartoon hot dogs?

Dwight: real hot dogs

Me: this is the most I’ve ever talked about hot dogs in my life

Dwight: did you ever see that documentary The Golden Child?

Me: not a documentary but sure I saw it

Dwight: remember that part where the kid makes the soda can get up and start dancing around?

Me: sure

Dwight: what if that kid shows up one day and decides he wants to make two hot dogs get up and fistfight each other??? Do you really wanna be the guy that misses that video?

Me: jesus christ

Me: dude, question

Dwight: go

Me: I’m looking at videos of you on youtube.

Dwight: me too!

Me: Why’s it seem like you only ever want to dunk or pass?

Dwight: oh. Ha. Easy. I only like to dunk because it’s the only move that doesn’t require the potatoes

Me: ???

Dwight: the potatoes. Every time I get the ball in the post, I say in my head “One potato, two potato, three potato, four, now it’s time to make a move so that Dwight Howard can score” and then I go into my move. But usually by the time I get to the end of the song, a double-team has already come

Me: WTF

Dwight: hakeem taught me that

Me: hakeem Olajuwon told you to sing a song about potatoes before you make a post move

Dwight: what? No. hakeem grant. He used to work in a laundromat near my house in florida

[No response.]

Dwight: I can send you his number so you can interview him

Me: I’m cool

Me: hey, man. I was reading this interview that nash did and he talked about the lakers and the meeting they had with you before you left

Dwight: which nash? steve nash?

Me: omg. Yes. Steve. Are there other nashes?

Dwight: I don’t know. I’m not the king of nashes. I like steve.

Me: you gave him a nickname too, huh? Nash Browns maybe? or the Nashcar Races? Or Angela’s Nashes?

Dwight: i mostly just called him steve

Me: :/

Me: I never have any idea with you

Me: anyway, but that meeting, everyone made a big deal about what kobe said in it

Dwight: kobe’s not that nice of a guy. If he was a hot dog and I was a hot dog

Me: enough with the hot dogs already

Dwight: this is an emoticon hot dog =

Me: that’s just an equal sign

Dwight: you have to squint

Me: what are we even talking about

[No response.]

Me: OK, so but what was it like playing with him? what’s he like in real time? He’s never really been so open with the media

Dwight: did you ever see The Golden Child?

Me: omg

Dwight: he’s like the guy that turns into a hell demon except he’s better at dribbling

Me: ha

Dwight: … aht dog

Me: this has not been fun for me