“I’m 6-months pregnant with a humanzee — eating meat has become a chore, and I’ve developed a ‘fig obsession’. In fact, whenever I see a fig, I lean back and shriek with glee. Are my cravings unusual?”

No! The most common report we hear from hybrid mothers is a sudden preference for tropical fruits, barks, and insects. If you find yourself screaming involuntarily when you encounter a bowl of kola nuts, don’t worry — you’re not alone!

PICTURED: The perfect meal

Also — bad news carnivores — but like an unrefrigerated side of beef, your love affair with meat is about to expire.

Parents of human-chimpanzee hybrids usually convert to a plant-based diet after giving birth. The reasons for this are psychological — having to do with the attachment bonds parents form with their children.

At first, your humanzee baby’s face will look alien, but after a while, you will grow to love it. As your love grows, your distinction between “human” and “animal” will blur. One day you might find yourself staring into your little progeny’s eyes and see a tiny piece of yourself looking back. Later, you might walk by a pond, and wave to the ducks as if they were your neighbors. “Hello ducks!” you might yell to them — “What do you think of my new denim vest? Is it too much? Let me know!”

Your relationship with animals will change, and when it does, they won’t taste good.