BOULDER, CO—According to economic experts, local man and complete reject Dale Everett, 37, remains 100 percent unaffected by the dramatic ups and downs of the American stock market. "No matter what sort of calamity befalls Wall Street, this total failure of a man remains exactly, and happily, the same as he was before," said market analyst Ben Tanaka, who since 2008 has developed high-blood pressure and a stomach ulcer from worrying about the financial crisis. "As long as he has money for rent, cable, and food, which he usually does, he is fine. I have to say, I kind of envy the loser." Tanaka added that unless there was suddenly a 550 percent nationwide spike in the price of beer, Everett's condition would likely continue on without change.

Advertisement