Our Meditation Technique Will Help You Get Promoted and Marry Someone Awesome

Our meditation course is based on the principle of non-judgment. We are the only course to correctly impart this principle. All other meditation courses that claim to teach non-judgment are imitations—inferior hucksterfests for people who don’t know any better. You are more discerning than that.

Our meditation course uses breathing techniques that have their origins in an ancient culture whose spiritual vibrations sent it forward through time and space. But the vibrations have sent it only to our incorporated offices. All other vibrations have been damaged by breaks in the Vedic stream. That has been proven by statistical data.

Our meditation course enables the practitioner to reach the elevated state of non-thinking. The only thought the practitioner retains is that this is the only legitimate course. In every other way, the monkey mind is finally silenced.

Our meditation technique is much more effective than other meditation techniques in lowering blood pressure, raising serotonin levels, and preventing death. You would need to meditate for hundreds of hours just to procure the same amount of health, happiness and immortality for every one minute spent using our exclusive method.

Our meditation technique is way easier than other techniques. You don’t even have stop thinking. You can do it while you’re eating or watching True Detective. It’s crazy accessible.

College students who practice our meditation technique perform better than other college students. High school students who practice our meditation technique are more popular than other students and are perceived by their peers as caring less about stuff. Even young children who practice our meditation technique are better adjusted, more attractive, more likely to eat leafy green vegetables and more grateful to have parents like you. It’s well established that kids who practice other kinds of meditation are overmedicated ADD losers.

Women who practice our meditation technique look younger, prettier, and skinnier than other women, particularly those that meditate using other methods and who often develop premature sagging jowls. Owing to their increased attractiveness, women who practice our technique are also paid a higher wage relative to other women, are more likely to get promoted and have a greater chance of marrying someone awesome.

It goes without saying that men who practice our meditation techniques are more virile.

Our meditation instructors commune with the Somovati spirits to identify the exact right thing to say to make you believe they know something personal about you, like “There is someone in your life who you wish would behave differently sometimes.” Then they will give you a mantra that resolves your deepest unhappiness, but if you tell anyone that mantra, it will become a poison virtual apple that will embitter your life.

Our meditation course will bring you to a state of unbridled bliss and transcendent consciousness. Other courses might cause Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Our meditation course has been written about in hundreds of journals, studies and press releases where its benefits have been scientifically proven. Other studies about alternative meditation techniques are flawed and biased and not scientifically based. Science.

Our meditation technique cannot be taught online, in a book, on a DVD or in any other format that doesn’t require someone to pay for our course.

Our meditation works with everyone—even skeptics, stoners and CEOs. The only prerequisite is that you pay for the course.

Our meditation course will bring peace and harmony to the world once enough people are practicing it. Our meditation course costs® $2000 for the introductory course. Anyone who takes the course and attempts to teach our methods outside the auspices of our movement will immediately lose all the healing benefits of the course and become poor, ugly, and gaseous. In a sense, they will be helping the haters. Think long and hard before you betray truth and goodness and sacrifice your own health and beauty and virility. You will also feel foolish for wasting $2000 and other people will think you are foolish. With soaring medical costs, you can’t afford not to take this course. Stop war and stress and drug addiction and upset stomachs. Our course is not just the answer to Life—it is the only answer to Life. You can use the word 42 as your mantra for an extra $1000.