Translation From PR-Speak to English of Selected Portions of Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang’s Company-Wide Memo Regarding the Microsoft Takeover Bid

Company-wide memo from Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang earlier today, capitalization sic, as filed with the SEC:

Subject: Building on our strengths

Subject: Shitting our pants

first off, I want to thank you for the great job you’re doing staying focused on executing our priorities. there’s obviously been a lot of talk about yahoo! in recent days and we won’t let it distract us from pursuing our transformation strategy.

Thank you for not quitting last Friday.

roy and I have communicated about the thorough review process our board is going through right now. the board is focused on maximizing the value of yahoo!’s tremendous assets for our shareholders. and it is going to take the time it needs to do it right.

We very much want to say “no” but can’t figure out how without triggering a shareholder revolt.

as we’ve said, no decisions have been made about microsoft’s proposal. our board is thoughtfully evaluating a wide range of potential strategic alternatives in what is a complex and evolving landscape. and we’ve hired top advisors to assist through the process.

Does anyone have any wealthy relatives with 40 or 50 billion dollars to invest?

what’s become clear in the past few days is how much people care about this company. we’ve seen a strong show of support from our users, advertisers, and publishers, reminding us how much they love our products and services. and i’ve heard from many of you — and from other friends and colleagues from around silicon valley and across the globe — that we need to do what’s best for yahoo! and our shareholders. i promise you that the board is going to do that.

Everyone seems to agree that Microsoft would fuck Yahoo up but good.

the microsoft interest highlights the tremendous strength of the yahoo! brand and assets: our half billion users around the world, our leading products and services, our open ad network, our technology, and most of all, our amazingly talented people.

Yahoo’s stock was clearly undervalued by the market, which means those bastards in Redmond are getting a good deal and there’s nothing we can do about it.

we have a lot to be excited about and there’s more good news to come.

Where by “more” I mean “some”.

yesterday we announced a digital music partnership with rhapsody and our acquisition of foxytunes, maker of the popular music toolbar plugin.

We are completely irrelevant in digital music.

today we launched zimbra 5.0, a next generation e-mail and collaboration suite that’s a great milestone in our open platform and starting point strategies.

Zimbra will be the first product taken out back to be shot in the head once the Microsoft takeover goes through.

as we look to build on the progress we’ve been making, i want to make sure you all realize how essential you are to yahoo!’s success.

Please don’t quit.

as this process moves forward, we’re going to keep you informed. your hard work and strong commitment are more important now than ever before.

Welcome to Microsoft.