It’s unfortunately common for people, specifically women, to be coerced into sex at some point in their lifetime. It’s especially unfortunate when that coercion comes from a long-term partner that is loved and trusted. “Sexual assault by an intimate partner is neither rare nor unique to any particular region of the world,” according to the World Report on Violence and Health.

These victims are robbed of sexual freedoms and safety that many others enjoy daily. If that isn’t bad enough, these victims are also robbed of the relationships they once held so dear. It’s incredibly difficult to bounce back from sexual coercion once it’s been introduced into a shared bedroom.

At least, it was difficult for me; and to some extent it still is, almost one year and two new partners later.

After spending nearly two years in an abusive relationship, I found it increasingly difficult to be emotionally involved with a potential romantic partner even when I desperately wanted to be. For me, relationships have always been more about the romance and deep, personal connections than the sex and eroticism. Thus, not being able to have that kind of emotional intimacy was really difficult for me.

What made things worse was all the sex I was having without that personal connection. I’m the type of person who needs to have an emotional relationship with someone before I sleep with them. The sexual attraction just isn’t there unless I have a foundation with that person beforehand (fun fact: this is known as demisexuality, which falls along the asexual spectrum).

Imagine the cognitive dissonance I was facing here:

I’m seeing a man with whom I had no emotional connection. I crave this kind of connection, but can’t find a way to achieve it. Regardless, I push on with the relationship, and even take it a step further by sleeping with him when I didn’t want to sleep with him.

I felt like sex was owed and expected — like I had to sleep with this person whenever they wanted, and the sex would be whatever they wanted it to be. I had no authority, but not because my new partner wouldn’t let me have any power in the relationship. No, I just couldn’t get over the learned behaviors left over from my abusive relationship. In that situation, I didn’t have much say in when sex happened and what happened during it. Those habits were hard to break.

I continuously sought out romantic partners with whom I could be emotionally honest, but instead I closed myself off to that kind of connection completely, and reduced the relationship to nothing more than sex I didn’t want to be having.