Dear Eminem,

Here is a list of six complaints about your post-Relapse music from long-time fans who consider your first three studio albums to be the greatest rap albums of all time.

1. We’re tired of your choppy flow

Since Recovery, we’ve been irritated by your tendency to pause at the snare while in the middle of delivering a word, phrase or sentence, and then continuing the rest of the word, phrase or sentence in the next bar. We think you do this phrase-splitting to point your multi-syllabic rhymes out to the listener (or “compound syllable rhymes,” as you would say), but it sounds unnatural. Perceptive listeners will notice most of the multi-syllabic rhyme schemes you were intending without you pointing it out to them in this way.

We have a strong suspicion that you no longer write lyrics to beats. We think that you write lyrics in paragraph form and, because they don’t fit the beat, you pause wherever necessary to keep tempo. It is these awkward pauses that give us the impression that your flow violates basic music theory principles.

Some examples of what we’re talking about:

Going Through Changes

“Feel like I’m losin’ control of myself, I sincerely … / … apologize”, “I am finally realizin’ I need … / … help”, “Marshall, what happened that you … / … can’t stop with these pills?”, “He wouldn’t fuckin’ shoot at … / … nobody”, “Fame’s starting to give me an excuse … / … to be at a … / … all time low”, “I sit alone in my home theater/Watching the same damn DVD of the … / … first tour, the last tour”, “I think I should state a few … / … facts”

Walk on Water

“Or it’s in my grasp, but as … / … soon as I grab, squeeze”, “I know the mark’s high, butter- … / … -flies rip apart my stomach”, “To tarnish whatever the legacy, love or respect … / … I’ve garnered”, “I’m doin’ my best, to not ruin your ex- … / … -pectations and meet ’em”, “Cuz how do I … / … ever let this mic go without a fight?”

Untouchable

“Your tail light is blew … / … out”, “Black boy, black boy, we don’t get your culture, and … / … we don’t care what our government’s done to fuck you over, man”, “Talked to LIKE YOU’RE just a PIEEECE … / … of trash”, “It’s like we’re drifting back in- … / … -to the 60s”, “The average life span of … / … a white man is more than twice than a … / … black life span, I … / … wonder sometimes if it has a price scanner, I feel like checking out on life, can’t e- … / … -scape the circumstance, I’d rather … / … hear ’em say, ‘Die, N Word!’ than Die Antwood”, “We fight back with violence but acts like that are … / … black eyes on the movement, which makes black lives madder … / … at cops, and cops madder, that’s why it’s at a … / … stalemate”, “When we tear it up’s … / … the only time attention’s paid to us”, “And every day’s ano- … / … -ther Freddie Gray for … us”, “Why is it … / … they treat us like dryer lint?”, “Don’t take a scientist … / … to see our violent nature lies in … / … the poverty that we face, so the crime rate’s the highest in … / … the lowest classes, it’s like a razor wire fence and we’re trapped in … / … these racial biases”, “Cuz no one oversees … / these cops and … / … all we see is them BEAT charges”, “Just KEEP marchin’ [Pauses for an entire bar] … till we REACH Congress”, “You’ll be made to feel like a traitor, we’ll … / … treat you like Rodney Dangerfield”

Rap God

“Even you unsigned … / … rappers are hungry looking at me like it’s lunchtime”, “I know there was a time where once I … / … was king of the underground”, “But sometimes when you CUM-bine … / … appeal with the skin color OF mine”, “Here they come tryin’ … / … to censor you like that one line … / … I said on “I’m Back” from the Mathers LP 1 when I … / … tried to say I’ll take seven kids from Co-LUM-bine”

River

“I just feel like the person who I’m turnin’ into’s…/…Irreversible”, “We can’t bring her in this world should’a knew…/…to use protection ‘fore I bit into your forbidden fruit”, “That’s why I may … / … have came at you sideways”

We realize you occasionally would split words and sentences in your prime (1995 – 2002), and that Lose Yourself was genius, but when in doubt, we’d rather hear a complete phrase with a 3-syllable rhyme than a split up phrase with a 7-syllable rhyme. If you’re going to split a sentence at the snare, make sure to avoid the “one word isolation” and the “word split” (see below).

Acceptable way to split up the sentence, “I still want to see Eminem making some great music.”

I still want to see…/…Eminem making some great music

Unacceptable way to split up the sentence, “I still want to see Eminem making some great music.”

The one word isolation: I still want to see Eminem making some great…/…music

OR: I still want to see Eminem making some great music, Cuz…/…I enjoy good rap

The word split: I still want to see Eminem making some great mus-…/…-ic

The only song on Revival that we feel you were flowing properly on was “Heat.” You were flowing properly on most of the non-accented tracks on Relapse and “The Warning.” On Recovery, you were flowing properly on “Love The Way You Lie” and “On Fire.”

Oh, and we’re tired of you rapping all your syllables like you’re beating a drum and mirroring the drum pattern with your flow.

2. We’re tired of you delivering words unnaturally

We’re tired of you butchering the pronunciation of words to force rhymes, usually by emphasizing the wrong syllables. We suspect you do this to point out your multi-syllabic rhymes to the listener but it’s annoying, since people don’t speak like that in real life. Nobody pronounces the word “bulletproof” like you did in “Survival.”

Here are some examples of what we’re talking about:

Survival

“So you better trade your fuckin’ mics in for some Tool. Box. ES“, “So pull out your pliers and your Screw. Drive. ERS/But I want you to doubt me, I don’t want you to BUH. LEAVE/Cuz this is something that I must use to SUC. CEED/And if you don’t like me, then fuck you! Self. UH. Steem…/… must be fuckin shootin’ through THE. ROOF cuz trust me/ my skin is too thick and bul. LUT. Proof, to touch me/I can see why the fuck I disgust you, I must be AH-…/…-llergic to failure, cuz every time I come close to it I just sneeze/But I just go AH-choo, then A. Chieve”

My Life (ft. Adam Levine)

“I was in the fucking shed, sharpening my MUHH-chete“, “…to wolf down this SPUH-ghetti“, “I think you fucking meatballs keep on just FUHHH-getting/Thought he was finished, motherfucker, it’s only the BUH-ginning/He’s buggin’ again, he’s straight thuggin’, fuck who he’s UHHH-ffending“, “Motherfucking wall with 3000 volts of elec-TRUSS-ITY“, “That’ll teach you to go voicing your cocksucking opin-YUNN to me“, “Fuck letting up, you’re gonna end up RUHH-gretting

So Far

“Fuck I gotta do to hear this new song from Luda? Be an exPERRRRT at computers? I’d rather be an encylopedia BERR-tanica”, “But I turned 40 and still sag, teena-GERRRS ACT more fuckin’ mature”, “You’re Dani-KERR Patrick”

Other examples

“To tarnish whatever the legacy, love or RISS-pect” (Walk on Water), “Now they’re ripping out their fuckin’ hair again, it’s hyster-UCKLE” (Rhyme or Reason), “Mine-OR-i-TIEEEES” (Untouchable), “THAT’S racis-UM, the fear that a BLACK face gives UM” (Untouchable), “She just wants to EX-act revenge” (River), “This love tri-AN-gle left us in a wreck, tangled” (River), “Didn’t really wanna AH-bort, but fuck it, what’s one more lie?” (River), “SOMETIMES when you CUM-bine” (Rap God), “A revolver and A. nine” (Rap God), “Co-LUM-bine” (Rap G0d)

Astute listeners will notice most of the rhymes you intend on paper and they don’t need you to point them out with your delivery. You understood this in your first three albums, where you pronounced words and phrases normally, even if they didn’t sound similar enough to register in the listener’s mind as a rhyme on first listen.

And just to give you a sense of just how much attention to detail your true fans pay to your rhyming, here are some hidden compound syllable rhymes we’ve noticed in your music:

“Mister Mathers, the fun and games are over/And just for that stunt you’re gonna get some extra homework” (Brain Damage), “But don’t you wanna give me after school detention?/Nah that bully wants to beat your ass and I’ma let him” (Brain Damage), “How we can go from practically nothin’/To bein’ able to have any fuckin’ thing that we wanted” (Sing For The Moment), “Inside of a hall with my framed autographed/sunglasses with Elton John’s name, on my drag wall” (My Dad’s Gone Crazy)

Not to mention, when you rhymed “chocolate milk” with “dropped and spilt,” you pronounced “chocolate” the way most Americans do – “chawk-lit,” instead of the way you were obviously thinking of on paper, “chock-lit.” And we still knew exactly what you were intending.

There was even a section on an Eminem fan website titled, “Eminem rhymes other people might not have noticed.” Have faith in your listeners; if you intended a compound syllable rhyme, we will find it. Even if it’s an inverse compound rhyme, such as what you did on Sing For the Moment (standin’ on corners/porches just rappin/havin’ a fortune/more kissin’ ass). We know what it is you do, and we are always on the highest alert.

3. We’re tired of you not acting out your lyrics

You used to rap in such a way that the tone of your delivery matched the tone of your lyrics. You used to be like a voice actor in the booth, performing your memorized lyrics as if you meant what you were saying. You sounded like a proud father on Hailie’s Song and you were rapping to the listener: “I spit it slow so these kids know that I’m talking to them.”

On most of the Revival songs, however, you don’t sound human. You sound like a sputtering, monotonous robot who’s reading his lyrics. You got it right on “Arose,” though, since we can hear emotion in your delivery on that song.

4. We’re tired of your puns

We’re tired of hearing your “dad puns.” They’re embarrassing. We find them especially inappropriate on your serious songs, since they ruin the mood you’re trying to create. Your puns are starting to dominate your music now.

Here are some examples of the corny punchlines/metaphors in your post-Relapse music:

“Fuck the world, feed it beans, it’s gassed up” (Not Afraid), “Just shit on my last chick, and she has what my ex lacks/Ex-Lax” (River), “Why do I hear the sound of toilets flushing? Some shit is goin’ down” (Where I’m At), “I’m so done with this shit that I may as well wipe” (Take From Me), “You could put a turd on a plate … you don’t bring shit to the table” (I’m On Everything), “Toilet’s clogged, cuz I talk a lot of shit but I’m backin’ it all up” (Bad Guy), “Stick my dick in a circle but I’m not fuckin’ around” (Cold Wind Blows), “My filet is smokin’ weed, yeah faggot the steaks are high” (Cinderella Man), “Quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap” (Not Afraid), “Sewed shut my own bootyhole/Cuz I ain’t took no shit since I looked down to my nuts” (Echo), “Treat this roof like my daughters and raise it” (Not Afraid) [Shuffle T used this as an example of a terrible bar in the video below], “I ain’t playin’ around, there’s a game called circle” (Not Afraid), “Lift the whole liquor counter up, cuz I’m raisin’ the bar” (Not Afraid), “Shake that ass like a donkey with Parkinson’s” (Won’t Back Down), “I’m swimmin’ in that Egyptian river, cuz I’m in denial/The Nile” (Need Me), “Guess that’s why they call it window pain/pane” (Love The Way You Lie), “I came to cockblock like a square fuckin’ male chicken” (Despicable), “Call me the ballsack, I’m nuts” (Cold Wind Blows), “Treat these shell casings like a soccer ball, I’ma kick the ballistics” (Fast Lane), “Cut my toes off and step on the receipt ‘fore I foot the bill” (Won’t Back Down),

This is what the world thinks of these kinds of puns:

5. We’re tired of the types of beats you rap over

We’re tired of you rapping over oversaturated beats from Alex Da Kid, Rick Rubin and Just Blaze. We miss you rapping over beats from Dr. Dre and the Bass Brothers. Your flow sounded much smoother and more natural on Relapse, an album Dr. Dre mainly produced, than it did on your post-Relapse albums, where Dre had less production.

6. We’re tired of hearing non-Eminem singers on hooks

We suspect you rely on hooks from other singers to inspire subject matter. We’re tired of sampled vocals. When you were in your prime (1995 – 2002), you said you wouldn’t use a singing sample except in rare cases where it was truly special (e.g. “Dream On” by Aerosmith in one of your greatest songs, Sing For The Moment).

We’re tired of your layered, harmonized studio choruses. It’s OK to just rap hooks, or sing them low and subtle with only one track. Insane was the perfect Eminem singing for a hook.

Please show this website to Eminem’s manager (@Rosenberg), friend (@Royceda59), hype man (@mRpOrTeR7) or anyone else capable of showing this to Eminem. Use the hashtag #eminemcomplaints on Twitter.