Welcome to the only opinions I care about are my own.

I figure most people went one of two ways with the whole lockdown/isolation thing. One lot vegetated and took the downtime as a win. The others got to work doing stuff, tried to be heroes and stupidly gave up on having a relax. I fell into the latter category. Managed to get craploads of big and small projects done and it was wholly satisfying. Everything from scrubbing mould in the bathroom to building a workspace. It eventually got all too much and I hit the brakes to just chill a bit.

Jump to this weekend, months out of lockdown, spring on the horizon, and it was time to finally tackle one long lingering project. We're a two-car family. One car gets used daily, the other might get used on a weekend. It's an ugly turd of a thing that costs nothing to run but is reliable and useful for carrying stuff. The problem? Only one REAR speaker works. I sound like a fucking idiot blasting Kesha from one speaker. It's been like that for a good 6-7 years; I've been meaning to do something about it for 6-7 years! So a couple of weeks ago I swung past an audio store. The guy told me their installers are booked solid for 2 months and sent me elsewhere. Then that guy quoted me $400 for a head unit because "that's always the problem with those cars, bro. I've seen it a fukn' million times" plus another $100 for the wiring harness. $500 is probs quarter of the cars value. Also you can buy the same head unit online for $100 and harness for $12. Big markup but hey, meth is expensive.

I decided to do some testing myself with the help of a mate. We pretty quickly debunked the faulty head unit theory and confirmed the speakers were fucked. Then I remembered I still have all the speakers from like 4 cars ago - had one of those full retard systems you could hear from the moon and removed it all before selling so I could put it in the next car. Of course it never happened. Annnyway, dug through my storage, found the speakers and spent half a day swapping them in. And then... sound... but not just sound... SURROUND sound. Amazing. And one of, if not THE, most satisfying project I've tackled all year.

Alright dudes - time to update. Have somehow managed to squeeze a lil downtime this week. Wasn't without sacrifice but do feel happier for it. And is weirdly the case, the update comes out better than if I were here all along. Work that one out. Check it...

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"

--

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"

--

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, nonstop for five minutes". The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight". The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours". The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked "Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".

--

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".

--

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

--

A new, fast, sex-change procedure was unveiled recently at a medical conference. Finally, there is a rapid new method to simply attach a penis to a woman who wishes to become a man. Delegates deliberated for hours trying to figure out what to call this new breakthrough. They sat discussing: "Well, when a man has his ducts tied, it's a vasectomy, when a women gets sorted out down there it's called a hysterectomy, giving a man a woman's organ is called a vaginoplasty... etc". And, so they went on. Until one guy said: "I know, why don't we call it the strapacocktomy?"

--

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop". His funeral is this Thursday.

--

Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago. Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month. I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first. Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?" To which I replied "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up".



I just explained Google images to my mum. "Pick anything to search for" I said. She replied "What about a nice cream pie?" "Except that" I said.

--

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left". "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten" the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."

--

A man walked into the doctor's office. He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril. He asks the doctor "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the guy and says "Well, you're not eating properly".

--

You never realise how anti-social you are until there's a pandemic and your life really doesn't change that much.

ORSM VIDEO

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The Director asks in turn arrogantly "Why are you so interested in that...?" "I have a million dollars in your bank" the shoeshine says "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market".

"What your name?" asks the Director. "John Smith H." he says.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department "Do we have a client named John Smith H.?" "Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account".

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you".

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members.

"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him".

Mr. Smith began his story "I came to this country fifty-years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place".

"Then finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars".

POOLS - ACTUALLY A PRETTY GREAT PLACE TO EXPOSE YOURSELF... WHODATHUNKIT !? Click for Gallery >>

Previously on Orsm: POOL TIME #5 - POOL TIME #4 - POOL TIME #3 - POOL TIME #2 - POOL TIME #1 - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says "I've got an idea" and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. "here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free".

"What the hell, Ray? Now we don't have any money!". "Don't worry, we'll go to the bar, order some drinks and when the bartender asks us to pay the tab, you stand up, unzip your fly, pull out the sausage and I'll start sucking on it".

The two blokes walk to the nearest bar, sit down and order two beers and two shots of whiskey. They down the drinks and order another round, drink those and order another. After the third round the bartender asks them to pay up. With that, Fred stands up, unzips his fly and Ray leaned over and proceeded to suck sausage.

"What the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of my bar!" says the bartender, the two run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says Fred. "Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.

At the end of the night, after about the 12th bar, Ray says "Man, I'm starving. All that beer made me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it".

"Sausage?" says Fred "I ate it four bars ago!"

WAIT WAIT WAIT... HERE'S SOME BABES IN DRESSING GOWNS 👍 Click for Gallery >>

Bob, a young journalism graduate from Tennessee, had gone to work for the New York Times.

His first assignment was to write a brief human-interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back-country farmer and explained why he was there.

The farmer, named Farmer Dick, agreed to answer his questions.

Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Dick replied "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it".

"I can't print that" said Bob, the reporter. "Is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy".

Again, Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack.

He asked Farmer Dick "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied "Well, I got lost once..."

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE

Cinderella was now 75-years-old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy" she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother" said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for" asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had".

At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

GIRLS IN THE KITCHEN previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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ORSM VIDEO

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp.

He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky".

The genie grants his wish.

So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies $10 on the footpath.

Not a bad start he thinks.

As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.

He puts the $10 on the horse, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole $1010 on "Lucky seven".

Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden, he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge". The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl... so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental beauty he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead".

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark".

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

ALRIGHT LADIES LETS GET THOSE TONGUES *OUT* Click for Gallery >>

Previously on Orsm: TONGUE OUT - MORE >>

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer's day when he comes to a clearing.

In the clearing there's a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he's ever seen. The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace.

After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea". She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers.

Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea".

She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing.

After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says "They've got the right idea". She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting.

He can't contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says "Are you sure your dog won't mind?"

ORSM VIDEO

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and said "You know, maybe we should learn a second language". "Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy. "It would help out in situations like the one we just had".

"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any".

LARGE AREOLA'D GIRLS DON'T GET ALL THE GLORY Click for Gallery >>

Chicks with SMALL AREOLAS previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

"I have an idea!" says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

"If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he'll be a preacher".

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table.

He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.

"Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

RANDOM SHITE

Previously: 17th Sep. - 10th Sep. - 3rd Sep. - 27th Aug. - 20th Aug. - 13th Aug. - 6th Aug. - 30th Jul. - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW

A man is stopped by an old woman who was holding out seeds and says "Take these seeds and you will be on your way to success".

The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree.

A booming voice rings out from above him: "Climb this tree to success!"

The man does so, climbing into the tree and climbing up, he finds a clear patch on a thick flat branch and sees an old man, the old man says "I know success well and I can teach you a lot, but continue to climb and you will learn success yourself".

The man agrees and climbs higher, climbing up until he sees that the limbs were turning gold and leaves were becoming jewels, coming to another landing to see piles of gold coins.

The man thinks there must be more if he continues so he continues climbing and comes to the third landing, a beautiful woman was standing there, dazzling in the light of the sun.

"I am the embodiment of your fantasies, I'll do anything you request, but if you wish, you can continue climbing to the top to success".

The man, a buzzing question, what could be at the top, raced through his mind, so he continues to climb. At the very top was the final clearing, the old man from before standing before him. The man turns around with a big grin under his bushy beard and says. "Hello, I'm Cess".

ORSM VIDEO

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No" she says "they're all in the frickin' Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn"...

Previously: ROXANNE RAE - BROOKE BELLE - LEXI BELLE - ADRIANA DEVILLE - NICI DEE - AMY SPEARS - MORE >>

CHECK OUT THIS FUCK OF THE CENTURY ON PORNHUB:

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.

He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

ORSM VIDEO

Well blokes, chicks and children that's the last update for September fucking done.

-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; timer permitting of course.

-Check out the archives. Imagine if Wikipedia and porn had a baby and that would perhaps in some ways indicate just how aweome and huge the archives are.

-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming to you liiiiiive...

-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use his senior position in QAnon to destroy your life.

-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and shhh did you hear that......? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.