The Very Model of a Modern-Age Millennial

I am the very model of a modern-age millennial,

I’ve got no cash, no house, no kids, and student debt perennial,

I know the rules of Tinder, and I’m not sold on monogamy

(For what it’s worth I think that stems from troubles ‘tween my mom and me)

I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters on the gender front

Myself, I am nonbinary; your labels I so do not want

Been disillusioned by my expectations with a lot o’ stuff,

The skills with which I am equipped for life are frankly not enough

My job prospects are hobbled by insistence on a living wage

Compete at entry-level with some washed-up folks at twice my age

In matters of identity, employment and such petty ills

I am the very model of a modern-age millennial

On Monday I killed Applebee’s, on Tuesday I axed country clubs

I’ve never bought a diamond and I have no use for cashmere gloves

I quote dank internet memes in lieu of sharing actual thoughts

For earnestness has been passé since sometime in the early aughts

Still advertisers flail and fail to capture all my buying power

(The sum of which amounts to renting GIG cars by the paltry hour)

I’m subject to the bleak nostalgia of Generation Xers

And YouTube sensibilities adored by web-savvy youngsters

So I get to the take the blame for our country’s tanked economy

While fighting for my basic rights and bodily autonomy

In short I’m fucked in matters from the vital to the trivial

I am the very model of a modern-age millennial

In fact, when I know what is meant by "social justice warrior”

When I can tell at sight a fascist MRA conspirator

When such affairs are treated as unsolvable new mysteries,

I shake my head and wonder if the Boomers studied history

When I have learnt what progress has been made and then just flushed away

My generation’s best bet looks like playing Fortnite drunk all day

In short, if you’re angry right now and spewing aged white vitriol

Remember you created me: the modern age millennial

For I’m the generation raised upon the game Monopoly

You’re hoarding all the wealth and jobs and mock me for my poverty

So now I’m skewing socialist with discourse quite ungenial

Please check your local ballots for the modern-age millennial