Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland.

In a petulant speech given in Edinburgh this morning George Osborne said: “The stakes couldn’t be higher or the choice clearer. The certainty and syrupy high of Bucky or the uncertainty and risk of brewing your own. At the very heart of this choice is the bottle on your shelf and the very real prospect of having to drink 20/20 instead.”

In a curiously blank tone, which witnesses described as being reminiscent of that of the villain from Se7en, the Chancellor called the idea of a Scotland without Buckfast Tonic Wine “patently absurd” before making it clear that it will become a reality if Scotland becomes independent.

“I don’t have a vote on 18th September,” Osborne said. “But I know where I stand. Buckfast Tonic Wine is one of the oldest and most successful wines in the world. I want Scotland to keep it and the near coma-like oblivion it brings.”

He also said some stuff about the pound but that has already been widely debunked as sensationalist scaremongering with no actual connection to reality. However it is rumoured that Osborne’s other threat, that of ensuring that Doctor Who would never be broadcast in an independent Scotland, is being taken very seriously by senior figures in the SNP.

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