If you were a Guns N’ Roses fanatic in the early 90s, the name Craig Duswalt may sound familiar to you: the band dedicated a song to him on their live video set, Use Your Illusion (World Tour 1992 in Tokyo) , and he showed up briefly during the closing credits of their documentary about the making of the “Estranged” video (below).

I was never actually clear what Duswalt’s connection to the band was, but as it turns out, he was Axl Rose’s assistant during the height of GN’R’s fame. Which, as you can guess, means he has some insane stories to share.

And share them he has, via a new book entitled Welcome to My Jungle: An Unauthorized Account of How a Regular Guy Like Me Survived Years of Touring with Guns N Roses, Pet Wallabies, Crazed Groupies, Axl Rose’s Moth Extermination System, & Other Perils on the Road with One of the Greatest Rock Bands of All Time. And while I haven’t read the book yet, this excerpts published in The New York Post over the weekend lead me to believe it may be the single greatest work of non-fiction literature since Mötley Crüe’s The Dirt. Some highlights:

That “moth extermination system” of Axl Rose’s? It involved him laying on the floor and shooting the flying insects with a rifle (see photo above).

Rose purchased a stuffed elephant as a birthday gift for his then-girlfriend, model Stephanie Seymour… and the bought that stuffed elephant its own ticket on the Concorde, at a cost of ten grand.

A Venezuelan promoter “ thought it would be really cool and impressive to empty a whorehouse out and bring them all to the hotel via bus … naked,” resulting in fifty nude women stampeding down the hall of the hotel where the band was staying.

But this bit is my personal favorite, and the part that convinced me I absolutely must read this book:

“Just before a show in Buenos Aires for 80,000 people, Rose was already late — the rest of the band was at the venue — when he asked Duswalt to order dinner for him from room service. “Specifically, he asked for chili and cheese. “Duswalt quietly freaked out. Rose needed to leave within minutes, and chili and cheese was not a room-service menu item. Duswalt was aware that if Rose failed to get his exact order, he could bail on the show. “Duswalt called room service and, despite the language barrier, spent several minutes trying to describe ‘chili and cheese’ to the man on the phone. The order took over an hour to arrive, with the road manager frantically paging Duswalt wondering where Rose was. “Finally, the meal arrived. The waiter brought it inside, ceremoniously lifted the lid, and presented to Duswalt ‘a block of cheddar cheese surrounded by six whole red-hot peppers.’ “Terrified of the ramifications, Duswalt grabbed plates and glasses — including the incorrect order — and hurled them against the wall, “smashing them into a thousand pieces.” “Rose ran out of his room and asked, ‘What the hell is that?’ Duswalt explained that the waiter had screwed up the order and said that he had become so enraged by the mistake that he ‘threw the plates at him in disgust.’ “The singer, distracted from the screw-up with an explanation he could relate to, forgot about his dinner and left for the show.”

Holy crap, that’s crazy. And these are just excerpts! Who knows what other manner of insanity is described in Duswalt’s tome?

You can buy Welcome to My Jungle in hardcover here. The Kindle edition comes out May 13.

[via Metal Insider]