Thank you to everyone who submitted responses to “What It Feel Likes To Get Your D Sucked.” They were all hilarious, touching, and informative. This one, however, took the choco taco! (Okay, we suck at making vagina jokes).

I hate it when a guy asks me to “Tell me what you want.” while we’re hooking up. That’s a dumb fucking question. For future reference, men of the world, I only want one thing, and that is your tongue on my clitoris. If I say anything else in response to this question, it’s because I’m taken aback by the idea that you think I could want anything except that. Wanting anything else has actually not occurred to me until the moment of your asking, and then I’m like, well, fuck, I’m probably supposed to say something like, I don’t know, “I want your huge cock in my wet pussy” or something. But I don’t want to say that because 1. It doesn’t sound like me, and 2. That’s not what I want. I just want you to eat me out, and I want you to do it for a long time with varying speeds, pressures, and tongue patterns until I tell you “Don’t stop,” which is your cue that I’m going to come soon, and at this point you should maintain a constant speed, pressure, and tongue pattern until I orgasm. You’ll be able to tell when this happens, trust me. Then, if you know what you’re doing (or if you just didn’t realize that all of that muscle contracting and hair grabbing and shouting I was doing was indicative of my orgasm), you will take a 5-10 second break and return to eating me out, because multiple orgasms are easily achieved and, like, wow, really awesome.

Orgasms are awesome in general because they make you feel like a beautiful woman, and being eaten out is also like that because guys who are good at it usually really appreciate vaginas. A lot of my girlfriends are like, “You know, I just don’t like it. I just don’t! It’s weird, you know?” and I’m like, “No, I don’t know, actually.” I feel sorry for these friends of mine because I mean, yeah, it is hard to trust a person to put their tongue in and around and in and around your very most private of parts, and I bet that’s why they “don’t like it.” Being eaten out puts you in a really vulnerable position. Here are some of the concerns I might have at any given time before/during the experience: