What would it be like if all of us, except for one guy, acted like the mayor of Toronto when presented with irrefutable evidence of bad behaviour?

I remind you of what Rob Ford said, when asked if he was, in defiance of the rules, reading documents while driving:

He said, “Yeah, probably. I’m busy.”

He also said, “I’m trying to catch up on my work and, you know, I keep my eyes on the road, but I’m a busy man.” He also said, “Ridiculous questions, sometimes.”

Here’s what’s ridiculous:

You cannot read and keep your eyes on the road at the same time but, when he was confronted, he did not say, “Yes.” He said “Probably.”

A side note: if my brother was rich enough to give me a new car for my birthday, and if my brother saw me driving while reading, he’d whack me on the side of the head and take the keys back.

My brother, I note, is not rich. But he’s got his head screwed on straight when it comes to the rules of the road.

Okay, now let’s play out the thesis:

You there, Mr. Guy Working On The Roof Of A House In My Neighbourhood the other day, were you putting shingles on without wearing a secure belt-line?

“Yeah, probably. I’m busy. Ridiculous questions, sometimes, seriously.”

Mr. Policeman, were you standing next to a jackhammer all day long without wearing ear protection?

“Yeah, probably. I’m busy. Ridiculous questions, sometimes, seriously.”

Yo, Mr. Hipster With The Fat Old Dog. Did you lead your animal onto my neighbour’s lawn the other day and not bother to clean up afterwards?

“Yeah, probably. I’m busy. Ridiculous questions, sometimes, seriously.”

I say, Conrad Black, did you remove those boxes of documents from the offices of 10 Toronto St., in spite of an order not to do so?

“Perhaps, my good fellow. However, I am, as you know, exceedingly possessed from time to time with matters of travail. Ridiculous questions sometimes, seriously.”

Mr. Doug Holyday, do you really think, as you inadvertently blurted recently, that downtown Toronto is no place to raise children?

“Yeah, probably. I’m busy. Ridiculous questions, sometimes, seriously.”

Your turn, Giorgio Mammoliti. Did the mayor once call you a gino-boy?

“Yeah, probably. He’s busy. Ridiculous questions, sometimes, seriously.”

A follow-up question, Mr. Mammoliti: did the mayor once call you a snake and say you ought to slither back to the zoo?

“Yeah, probably. He’s busy. Ridiculous.”

Giorgio — may I call you Giorgio? — allow me to interrupt. Did you put both thumbs up when offered a spot in Ford’s inner circle despite the way he has humiliated you over the years?

“Yeah, probably. I’m busy. Ridiculous questions, sometimes, seriously.”

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Mr. Policeman, here’s another question: did you remove your name tag while you were on duty during the G20 Summit in Toronto?

“Probably. I’m busy. You’re under arrest.”

The hell I am.

Mr. Bre-X, did you salt those samples?

“Probably.”

Mr. Mulroney, did you accept a big fat envelope full of cash from Karlheinz Schreiber in a hotel room?

“Probably.”

Mr. Nixon, did you order the invasion of Cambodia, and the burglary at the Watergate?

“Probably.”

May we now have one shining example of a man acting like a man?

Happy to oblige.

Mr. Jared Connaughton, did you step on the line during your leg of the men’s 4x100 metres, and did you cost your team a bronze medal as a result of the evidence shown on the replay?

“Yes. It was my fault. I stepped on the line. The rule is unforgiving. I’m upset. I broke the rules.”

“I’m sorry.”

There’s a man.

Joe Fiorito appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Email: jfiorito@thestar.ca