NEW YORK—According to sources throughout the commercial aviation sector, the nation’s airlines will begin installing awkwardly placed bumps in every airplane seatback this week because it reportedly brings great pleasure to them. “Over the next four to six months, across our entire fleet, we’ll be rolling out seats with an irritating array of lumps and ridges to painfully jab our customers in the back, and we couldn’t be more delighted about it,” said United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek, speaking on behalf of all international, regional, and low-cost carriers, every one of whom admitted to deriving immense joy from watching their passengers squirm and search in vain for a tolerable position. “Let me make clear that these seats will be incredibly uncomfortable, and there is nothing more gratifying than making the experience of simply sitting during one’s flight an excruciating ordeal.” Smisek noted that for an additional fee, customers would be allowed to purchase seats with only a single, pointed protrusion in the lower back.

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