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This morning I had an email which read: “Would you like to interview the only person who can hear the voice of God?”

The answer to which, obviously, is only if he’s had his pills.

Not only does this offer appeal to any journalist as we’re all optimistic the next scoop is the big one, but it has the potential to answer a lot of questions.

For example:

1. What is the definitive pronunciation of the word scone?

2. Elvis. Explain.

3. What in the name of actual ARSE are you playing at?

Because while I would love to know why all the calories went into chocolate rather than, say, dog poo, or why exactly we needed to have paedophilia, the more pressing issue for humanity just now is World War Three.

A war, it must be said, which would be fought entirely over the issue of who God disapproves of the most.

There are already more than 60 nations arguing about the best way of proving it’s not them, with half a dozen carrying out airstrikes on God’s behalf.

It was bad enough that Russia and the USA parked their guns on Syria’s lawn, because they’re unable to agree who is the most disapprovable person within firing range.

(Image: REUTERS)

But now China’s sent an aircraft carrier to the Med as well, unwilling to be left out of all the fun involved in disapproving of someone with extreme prejudice.

In the midst of it all is a group of very religious men who call themselves Islamic State and have decided that God disapproves of just about everything except them.

They think he especially disapproves of Americans, journalists, aid workers, women, homosexuals, ankles, history, photographs and music of all sorts, not just One Direction.

They do approve of necks, but not for very long.

The gentlemen of ISIS – the fact they share a name with a pagan female goddess does not appear to have been noticed yet but will no doubt irritate them once they do – are particularly concerned with what God thinks.

They think that God thinks Saudi Arabia is not Muslim enough, that Hamas are apostates, and that their prophet Muhammad should have been succeeded by his father-in-law not his son-in-law.

This last one is the root of the schism between Sunni and Shia Islam, responsible at a guess for the deaths of millions.

More than anything else, the ISIS acolytes believe only God knows the answer to everything.

(Image: BBC)

On the other hand we have secular nations like Russia and the USA, which happily act like God and rain fire from the sky on to whoever they feel has breached a code of good behaviour arrived at after millennia of religious warfare.

Neither Vladimir Putin nor Barack Obama might seem particularly God-bothering, but their defence and foreign policies are informed by what their millions of voters believe to be morally right.

You could argue the world’s morals stem from its major religions, that those religions nicked morals from the pagans who came first and that the pagans merely codified the most practical way for cavemen to rub along with each other.

But, in the end, it’s all being done in the name of an invisible deity whose opinions no-one can agree on.

(Image: Anadolu Agency)

Russia thinks God likes Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. The USA thinks God disapproves of Assad, dictatorships and barrel-bombing but approves of napalm, white phosphorus and capitalist imperialism.

(No-one ever disapproves of Assad on the basis he’s a chinless ophthalmologist; but if God is as capricious as evidence would suggest, it’s as likely as any other reason.)

Britain thinks God approves of everything America does. France thinks God still disapproves of the Vichy regime and is trying to make up for it.

Turkey thinks God is definitely not Kurdish, Saudi Arabia thinks God likes some beheadings but not all beheadings, and the Chinese reckon God approves of smog, forced labour for people who meditate and waging war wherever possible.

(Image: Xinhua /Landov / Barcroft Media)

The Kurds, the Free Syrian Army and most of the people who live in that part of the Middle East currently being blitzed think God is being a bit bloody quiet and I am forced to agree.

If God exists he or she is a busy deity with a whole universe to keep an eye on, like an extreme form of plate-spinning.

And I know we haven’t explored much of it but as most of the universe so far appears likely to be bacteria, dust or gas explosions an impending nuclear war on our small blue dot might have come to the Almighty’s attention.

If I knew that a billion light years away a group of silly creatures were going to obliterate one another in my name, I think I’d find time to pop over and ask them not to.

After all, God’s had 1400 years to say who should have succeeded Muhammad. He’s had 239 to explain to the USA about diet, exercise and land wars in Asia.

He’s had all of time to explain the difference between execution and murder, although the fact he hasn’t makes me think he can’t because there isn’t one.

If ever there were an appropriate time for God to make his views known, it’s now. So of course I’d love to interview the only person who can hear the voice of God.

I’d like to ask him if there really is only one religion, or if he’s fine with all of them.

I’d ask him if he knows how many people have died arguing about him, and why he didn’t say anything earlier.

I’d want to know where he’s been and what he’s been doing while we’ve had the hole in the ozone layer, child slavery and drug lords.

I’d love the chance to ask him whether Simon Cowell is in any way related to Beelzebub and who he fancies for the 3.30 at Towcester.

(Image: Getty)

But I think it’d be a waste of time.

Because if God’s not turned up at the dawn of nuclear war, either to answer questions or claim responsibility, there are only two possibilities left.

1. God does not exist

2. God does exist, but he’s got the attention span of Jedward, the brains of Joey Essex and all the moral backbone of Josie Cunningham.

And if the truth is option 2, it’s probably best all round if we pretend it’s actually option 1.

(Image: Press Association Images)

If God does not exist, ISIS will not get the apocalypse they are working towards, or even a glimpse of a virgin.

If there is no God, the world would not become perfect. Russia and the USA would think if there’s a deity vacancy they ought to be filling it.

But most of the people on this small blue dot might start blaming each other for bad behaviour and thus, in turn, see a reason to be better.

(Image: Mirrorpix/Ken Lennox)

Which is why I won’t interview the man who says he’s the only person to hear the voice of God.

Not only does half the planet think the same, but I’d rather believe there isn’t one.

The alternative is that God does exist, and needs medicating.

And I’m not sure we’ve got the pills.