A phalanx of obedient cockroaches press the creases out of Ted Cruz’s shirt while a mass of ticks fasten the candidate’s cufflinks.

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.


Cruz, wearing only dress socks and underwear, was said to have been suddenly covered head to toe by hundreds of rodents, worms, and insects, each of which was entrusted with a specific task to help prepare the presidential contender for an upcoming rally. According to reports, the devoted pests rapidly emerged from the room’s floorboards, baseboards, drainpipes, and ceiling cracks on the senator’s command, then spent the subsequent 15 minutes applying Cruz’s makeup, styling his hair, and placing each article of clothing onto his body.

“Hello, my friends,” Cruz said to his frenzied and quickly scurrying horde of assistants, closing his eyes while a pair of weevils dragged foundation sponges across his cheeks and a line of black centipedes crawled through his hair to form a crisp part, which was then held firmly in place by the thick mucus trail of a tree slug. “I have a very important rally today, so I’ll need to look my best.”




The GOP hopeful, whose body was almost completely obscured beneath the legion of creatures wriggling and skittering across it, reportedly appeared comfortable and relaxed as he patiently allowed the throngs of small servants to tend to his appearance. Sources confirmed that as a team of earwigs diligently tweezed his nose hairs with their pincers and two plump grubs devoured a large skin tag on his neck, Cruz carefully studied his reflection in a large standing mirror, offering his faithful subordinates the occasional gentle nod or smile of approval.

With the writhing mass of claws, tails, tongues, and antennae busily primping and priming him, the Texas senator reportedly took advantage of the downtime ahead of the rally to rehearse lines of his speech in the company of his attentive crew of parasites. According to sources, Cruz experimented with several potential conclusions to his address and recited his key talking points numerous times while absentmindedly lifting his arms above his head to allow six dung beetles to roll balls of deodorant across his underarms before pausing and puckering his mouth for a mass of wasp larvae to secrete liquid along his dry, chapped lips.


Reports indicate that Cruz then opened his mouth wide to allow a large black rat to nibble on food stuck in his gums before licking his teeth completely clean.

“You’re looking sharp, Ted,” Cruz reportedly said to himself in a whisper that was nearly lost beneath the persistent din of squeaks, chitters, croaks, and hisses produced by the team of frantically working pests as they scuttled and slithered across his bare chest, limbs, and face. “You’re going to knock ’em dead.”


After being thoroughly groomed, a visibly pleased Cruz was reportedly helped into his trousers and dress shirt by a coordinated swarm of garter snakes, while a possum, which was said to possess only one eye and appeared to be infected with scabies, formed a perfectly balanced four-in-hand knot with a silk Canali necktie. Cruz is then said to have thanked the diseased animal before slipping his arms into a double-breasted jacket that was being held open and aloft by seven bats hovering in place.

According to sources, the blanket of minions covering the candidate’s body then parted to clear a path for a single wolf spider to crawl up Cruz’s chest, where it carefully affixed an American flag pin to his lapel.


“Okay, darlings, it’s about that time,” said Cruz as he waved off a horned toad still smoothing his eyebrows into shape, and sending the remaining vermin obediently scattering away. “You’ve worked your magic again.”

“Wish me luck,” he continued.

Sources confirmed that as he exited the room, Cruz noticed a stray moth emerge from his ear covered in wax that he then promptly grabbed and tossed into his mouth before walking away.