We almost got away with it. For more than a century, a shadow denominational network known as the SBC Deep State has operated from a secret base beneath a Chick-Fil-A parking lot in Nashville, Tennessee.

Ever wondered why the cashier always, without fail, says “My pleasure” when you say “thank you?” That was actually a code phrase. If you said “and my pleasure is the destruction of western civilization” back, they would pull a secret lever (disguised as a Mr. Pibb lever on the soda fountain, a place never interacted with otherwise) and beam you down to our secret lair.

Who makes up the SBC Deep State? Too many people to name.

Russell Moore and Beth Moore, of course. “Moore” isn’t actually a last name, but a title indicating leadership, like “Darth.”

Beyond the Moores, all of the band Hillsong; every seminary professor, as well as any SBC pastor with any seminary degree. Every worship pastor who has written a chorus for a hymn. Pope Francis. Hillary Clinton.

We are—or rather were—many. We were unstoppable…until Jerry Falwell Jr. revealed our existence to the world.

My good friend @jerryvines just told me Dr. Adam Greenway is a wonderful man and not part of the @drmoore SBC deep state regime trying to subvert the will of the church members! So glad to hear this news! @toddstarnes https://t.co/ra7vCnutj9 — Jerry Falwell (@JerryFalwellJr) May 14, 2019

What was our goal? Ultimately, to capitulate the Gospel to culture. But that takes money, even more than George Soros was able to provide. So we came up with a plan.

Remember “What Would Jesus Do?” rubber bracelets? That was us.

Our founder, author Charles Sheldon, came up with the phrase in 1896 in his novel In His Steps. Applying the Bible Code to In His Steps details the plan that the SBC Deep State formed around: popularizing the phrase, buying stocks in rubber bracelet manufacturing companies, and then using the profits to promote postmodern neo-Marxism.

Our plan was insidious because, as true Christians like Falwell know, Jesus does not want us to do what he did. Jesus only healed the sick and helped the poor to show that he was God. If we emulate Jesus, the sick and poor won’t have any motivation to better themselves. Of course Christians shouldn’t emulate Jesus’ example. God hates that because it leads to socialism.

We made lots of money from WWJD bracelets in the 90’s, and the world was on the cusp of falling into our Marxist trap. The election of Hillary Clinton in 2016 would have been the final piece of the puzzle, but we were thwarted by an opposing group known as the Fellowship of Facts and Logic.

The Fellowship (composed of a Canadian prince named Jordan Peterson, an elven businessman named Charlie Kirk, and the hobbit Ben Shapiro) thwarted our efforts by DESTROYING all of our college snowflake agents.

Combatting the Fellowship (especially now that Kirk has a degree from Liberty, making him infinitely more powerful) will require even more funds than the WWJD bracelets provided.

We needed a way to sell more bracelets. We needed more issues that people would buy bracelets for.

The easiest way to do this would be to create political bracelets, but unfortunately, God only cares about two political issues, gay marriage and abortion. To get people to buy more bracelets, we would need to convince them that the Gospel had political ramifications outside of those two issues. Enter the ERLC. So that was our plan. It almost worked: we nearly convinced an entire generation that God doesn’t like locking children up in cages on the US-Mexico border.

We almost got away with it. But ultimately, the power of the Fellowship of Facts and Logic and the investigative powers of Jerry Falwell, Jr. were too great. Our legions are decimated and our snowflakes are destroyed. Our Moores have fled now that the truth is finally revealed. I alone escaped to tell you our story.

We were the SBC Deep State, purveyors of Postmodern Neo-Marxism.

Were.