"So this past weekend I was at a house party and happened to see the single most miserably neglected fish I have ever seen in my life. The water had an opaque layer of something that looked kind of like grease on top and the single fish inside was listless and shrivelled. It smelled FOUL and the guy hosting the party said that they had noticed the fish being kind of stupid since they had changed the water last time (which must have been like a fucking year ago) by just running the tub into the tank.

Being full of whiskey and compassion(?), I naturally decided that the fish was now mine and reached into that disgusting cesspool with a ziplock bag, took the fish home, cackling to myself because what I was doing was just so weird."