New York Post

How to avoid the Civil War

According to Andrew Freaking Jackson and Donald Trump

Oval Office Creamsicle, Donald Trump, gave an interview to Sirius XM Politics in which he declared his affection for President Andrew Jackson and imagined that had Jackson’s presidency occurred later than the 1820s-30s (or maybe he wondered if Jackson could have lived to be nearly 120 years old — who can say what’s going on in that head) the Civil War could have been avoided.

You’ll notice he remarked that Jackson was a “tough person but he had a big heart”. This is in interesting evaluation. Apparently Trump’s critique is based on Jackson’s affection for his wife who died on the campaign trail. The critique is NOT based on the thousands of indigenous people who died on the LITERAL TRAIL they were forced to walk following Jackson’s Indian Removal Act in 1830. Perhaps Jackson’s large blood pumper only began softening after becoming president. Previous to his stint in the land’s highest office Andrew “Sharp Knife” (seriously, that was one of his nicknames…you’ll hear one that’s worse later) Jackson served as a Major General tasked with locating and returning a massive group of runaway slaves who had made their way to Seminole-occupied Florida.

With the help of the army Jackson simply gathered any and all blacks and mulattoes and forced a march to plantations north of Seminole territory and Spanish colonies. Does this seem like the kind of person with the capacity to lead a nation through the cataclysmic differences which preceded the Civil War? Of course not.

Yet DT-45 is correct. If Andrew “Indian Killer” (see…worse) had served as president on the cusp of the Civil War it certainly would not have happened. The nation would go on lawfully buying and selling people and genocide would rage unchecked, but there wouldn’t have been a Civil war!

Here is the little known plan, written by Andrew Jackson himself, to avoid a potential civil war, written as discontent brewed in 1836 (updated in order that horrific racial identifiers could be removed).

Step 1:

Keep murdering everyone. This has worked out so well for me. I can’t believe how effective it’s been. When Jefferson appointed me general tasked with removing the Creeks and Cherokees I thought maybe I should be all subtle and diplomatic. Then one day I just decided, “Hey what if I split up families and use the authority of the government to wage unlawful war in what is currently a foreign nation?” Boom. Suddenly I had a strategy. I feel like that would work now too.

Step 2:

Keep lying. People ask me all sorts of very important questions regarding my behavior and the activities of the military. I haven’t told the truth IN YEARS. I don’t even know what they’re asking about in most cases. Dude asked the other day about conflict with the Sioux and I legit said the biggest threat to the nation currently was merpeople. First thing that came to my head. It’s fairly obvious this country is headed for some ugly shit in the next few decades. As long as people keep listening and refuse to become literate the merpeople thing will work.

Step 3:

Say it with me — R-A-C-I-S-M

I own slaves. There, I said it. Loads of guys everyone loves own slaves. Washington? Slaves. Jefferson? Hella slaves. The key is to make sure our racism feels like an economic theory or national security rather than outright bigotry. Sure, in some rooms bigotry plays and you have to know which rooms those are. For example, in 1830 I said that removing the Indians in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi would “strengthen the Southwestern frontier”. See? That makes me sound like a patriot instead of a racist! But *whisper pen* I’m kinda racist. Shhhh. :) Remind the populace that you love minority races but they have to adjust to “our” system, which ensures safety and prosperity (FOR US!).

Step 4:

Say all the things. I advocate for states rights…and oppose secession. I fight for morality…and profanely attack opponents. I advocate against corruption…and fear-monger. You can’t pin me down! Everyone deserves a vote (minus ladies and non-whites)! Native Americans should have their own land (just not the land they currently have)! I will not be pigeon holed! Nor will I be in any way consistent or intentional.

I think I see some uncomfortable similarities…

Oh, I should mention, the rest of the document is comprised primarily of doodles.