Posted September 8, 2011 by monkeywithamonocle

(Or: Whoa whoa whoa…chill…just hear me out.)

If you take every Disney villain and invite them to a shit-pie pot luck dinner in the Mos Isley space port and multiply that party from hell by 666,666,666 you might get just a fraction of the evil that is the Westboro Baptist Church [WBC].

Now if you’re “too progressive” to own a TV and proudly only listen to podcasts of This American Life (can you hear my eyes rolling?) and have no idea what I am talking about because you just stumbled upon this page while looking for Pokemon posts: check out the clip below.



Not even Team Rocket is that crazy!

The WBC is so extreme on all fronts they make the X-games and 90’s deodorant commercials look like a bowl of lightly salted ice cubes. Their ideals are so out of whack that they don’t line up with any classically real or even stereotypical viewpoints. No normal person can even mistakenly agree with them.

So then why are we so lucky to have them? Two words:

The Watchmen.

If you are a comic book geek or even just a Zack Snyder fan (in which case go kill yourself) you already know what I’m going to say and can now kick yourself for not seeing it sooner.

For everyone else, here is a crash course in Alan Moore’s manifesto comic book:

In Watchmen the world is about to tear itself apart. The cold war is heating up rapidly and nuclear war is imminent. To solve said crisis the presumed villain of the story cooks up a plan to create a fictional enemy and attack the earth thus eliminating all of the squandering and petty bullshit of the world as it unites against this horrible yet make-believe threat.

So what does this have to do with the WBC? Well actually everything.

If the WBC and their leader Fred Phelps weren’t absolutely batshit crazy (this includes allegations of child abuse within their compound) they might be secret geniuses. They claimed to have picketed over 40,000 events sporting signs saying “God Hates Fags” and other fun off-the-cuff offensive slurs.

But…

As their infamy grew people started to take notice and, in the words of Ira Glass, “then a funny thing happened,” people decided as a whole not to take their shit any more and a huge backlash of counter protesting swept the nation in a peaceful attempt to get the WBC to shut the hell up.

It seems for every one story of the WBC changing the words of Santa Claus Is coming to Town to Santa Claus Will Take You To Hell there are two more stories of counter protests for charities and just good natured fun.

In the mix of hate and absolute stupidity there came a new hope (Star Wars!) and good blossomed like a rose from a big pile of dog shit.

My favorite example, the one that got me thinking, was when in Nashville TN, thousands of people lined up to counter protest the WBC and to honor Marine Sgt. Kevin Balduf who had died over seas. They lined the streets and surrounded the funeral precession waving American flags because there were three WBC members there who then left after ten minutes. Do you think Kevin Balduf’s funeral would have gotten the attention it deserved if the WBC wasn’t holding up bright colored signs with the most insane attention grabbing slogans or would perhaps another soldier’s funeral just fade away into the background?

There have even been uplifting counter protests at events where the WBC didn’t even show up.

If the squeaky wheel gets the grease then the WBC seems to make sure all of America is scrambling as one towards a giant can of WD40. Everyone knows they’re crazy but can we bring ourselves to admit that they are actually doing more good than harm? Causing a stir so great that everyone as a whole puts down their ill will towards each other and universally laughs and guffaws about just how idiotic such malice can be?

What with the hurricanes, earthquakes, debt ceilings, and trouble in the middle east (they almost have it this time!) it’s kind of nice to step back and high five your neighbor that you may normally disagree with and say, “Well shit, at least we’re not all like those freaks over at the West Borrow Baptist Church.”

Because seriously, those guys are the worst, am I right? *high five*

Have you been thoroughly controversed? No? Then check out monkeywithamonocle’s other posts Weird Al’s Polka Music Maps The Decline Of Pop Music and What Your First Pokemon Says About You. Or the cartoon shorts: Batman: World’s Greatest Detective and Star Wars: Sins of the Father.

Post your incredibly inferior opposing viewpoints and/or your well thought out and finely crafted appreciation below and “LIKE” the post above; OR contact the primate himself at monkeywithamonocle@gmail.com and follow him on twitter @hungryzoo