When there are no successes to point towards as a reason to be confident in one’s government, the Great Father can be counted on to use fear of a scary enemy to rally the people. A lie can go around the world twice before the truth has even tied its shoes. The Great Father knows this and he also knows that it’s best to have a few enemies waiting in the wings to distract the American people. To be sure, certain among the American people (the species Ovis aries americanus) will fall for this every time. Which is why it remains effective and American foreign policy infomercials succeed in selling wars without genuine objectives. In fact, were U.S. foreign policy a product, it would be sold on late-night infomercials along with spray-on “hair”, vegetable slicers, and compilation CDs of 1970s hits. And if you purchased it, you would get a few wars, absolutely free. Let’s have a look at some of the Great Father’s latest products.

First up, we see “frightening” reports from the Great Father and NATO (North Atlantic Tubthumping Oligarchy) that the Russians are getting frequent-flier miles close to NATO and U.S. airspace. Why, look at that! The Great Father and NATO were just minding their own business trying to lure Ukraine into the car with promises of candy when here came the Russians to interfere! Those Russian waskally wabbits are making NATO fighter aircraft look like Elmer Fudd! Excuse me, Great Father, but those are your enemies, not mine. Vladimir Putin and the Russians have not threatened me, nor are they saying they want me to live under the Russian government. Nor do they pick my pockets, which is more than I can say for you, Great Father. The reason Russian aircraft are doing this, Great Father, is because you are provoking them over in Ukraine. By the way, the Russians warned you against doing that. So Russian aircraft are lurking around NATO airspace, so what? Am I supposed to be afraid of this?

Second, we’re told Vladimir Putin is a pretty scary guy. I dunno, Great Father, I think he seems like a cool dude compared to you. I think we should settle it once and for all. Instead of dragging us all into this Great Father feelings of inadequacy issue, I think the Great Father should challenge Putin to a martial arts match. It would be entertaining and, man, put that on TV and you’d finally have something worth watching! The Great Father will lose, of course, and that’s why I’d watch it. It’d be interesting to see who’s the tough guy without an army to hide behind. I’m not afraid of Vladimir Putin because he hasn’t given me any reason to be. It’s pretty much a given. Putin doesn’t tell me what to do with my own backyard and I don’t tell him what to do with his. Putin has kept the peace while the Great Father and the NATO tubthumpers are just itching to start a war. All Putin is doing is standing up to the Great Father. Am I supposed to be afraid of this?

Next, we have the ISIS junior varsity team running amok. Pardon me Great Father, weren’t they your solution as to who needed to replace Bashar al-Assad in Syria? Why can’t you leave well enough alone? I know your narcissistic tendencies lead you to thinking you know who and who is not a “legitimate leader”, but you should bear something else in mind. When recently asked if you still planned to depose Assad, you said that you don’t think he is a “legitimate leader”. Guess what, Great Father? Many of us think the same about you. The most recent knee-slapper, probably from the U.S. Office of Disinformation, was some ISIS flunky saying ISIS will put the U.S. under Sharia law. Once I stopped laughing, I had to wonder if ISIS is using the same hallucinogens as the Great Father. They’d have less success with that than the Great Father did with Obamacare. “If you like your Sharia, you can keep it…” You can tell they’ve definitely been talking to the Great Father when you see the grandiose yet bizarre, half-baked plans they’ve got. What, I’m supposed to be afraid of these delusional clowns? Americans would drive a hundred miles for a couple shots at an ISIS militia on U.S. soil, are you kidding me? ISIS wouldn’t survive two hours in some downtown areas of major U.S. cities. ISIS may get away with what they do in Syria and Iraq. But this isn’t Syria or Iraq. Am I supposed to be afraid of this?

This brings us to Bashar al-Assad himself. Why am I supposed to be afraid of this man, Great Father? He never bothered me. Not once was there ever junk mail from him in my mailbox asking for my vote. He didn’t demand I enroll in Obamacare or pay a penalty, he didn’t appoint some unqualified guy as an Ebola Czar who has yet to show up at meetings, you know what I’m saying here? Basically, the man was not and is not bothering me, which is more than I can say for you, Great Father. I’m not Syrian, so it isn’t up to me to tell Assad how to run his country. It isn’t up to you, either, Great Father. Assad cracked down on dissidents, you say? So, Great Father, what would your reaction be if tens of thousands of Americans showed up in the streets and demanded your removal from office and the government gone? Somehow, I suspect riot police, troops, and tanks would be rolled out. Assad is the elected leader of Syria, whether you like it or not, Great Father. Am I supposed to be afraid of this?

The Great Father tells us we need to be very afraid of men like Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad. But neither one of these men is threatening Americans. In the case of Putin, he is reacting to the threats NATO and the U.S. are making over Ukraine. To be sure, if the situations were reversed and a hostile nation was trying to corral Mexico into their defense alliance, we’d have already invaded Mexico in “pre-emption”. We’d call that “defending U.S. interests”. In fact, we already did that in a way. That’s how we ended up with the American Southwest, which once belonged to Mexico until after the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. That ended the Mexican-American War and the U.S. got California, New Mexico, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, Wyoming, the entirety of Texas, and more. Regions that were rich in silver and gold, by the way. But no one else is allowed to do that, you see. The Great Father had his Manifest Destiny, but no one else better try that. Putin has a long way to go before he can top what we pulled off in the Mexican-American War.

As far as Assad goes, he’s defending himself against the people we armed to topple him. What would the U.S. do in his shoes? The same. And we have. Remember the Civil War? We talk about all the people Assad has killed and here we are not even knowing how many died exactly in our Civil War. It was between 400,000 and 600,000 people, we’re still not sure. No UN inspectors have ever showed up to exhume our mass graves. And we wiped out cities, too, in case anyone forgot Sherman’s March to the Sea. Plus, POW camps that were nothing more than concentration camps. So, who are we to tell Assad what “excesses” are in his civil war? Don’t forget we were killing each other with single-shot muzzleloading muskets and cannon and look at our impressive number of dead. The Syrian Civil War has been going on for almost as long as our Civil War and they’ve got about 200,000 total deaths using modern weaponry. If anyone is better at mass killing in a civil war, it’s us, not Assad. Poor Assad, if only he was the Great Father’s buddy, we could really show him how to wage a civil war and stop being such an amateur. Because if that was us having another civil war, we’d already be into the millions of dead. And we’d re-enact it for the next hundred years, too, just for fun. Assad is a lightweight.

Nah, I don’t think I see anything worth being afraid of. The Great Father is just being paranoid, as usual. If he really wanted to make a splash, he’d start selling his expertise in these affairs. He’d say, “Oh, come on Assad! What are you holding back for?! Why, in our Civil War if we had the weapons you have, we’d have already killed at least two million people by now! What’s the matter with you? Look, for a price, I’ll show you how a REAL civil war is fought! I have all the Union Army generals’ diaries over there in the Smithsonian!” Then he could tell Putin, “No, no, no, you’re doing this all wrong! The trick is to goad the Ukrainians into attacking you. Then you invade them and make them give you half of Ukraine as the peace settlement! You see? Look, I have all the Mexican-American War documents over there in the Smithsonian. For a price, I’ll let you see how this thing is done right.”

Do as I say, not as I do. Thus sayeth the Great Father.

The Best of Jack Perry