THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remember exactly what year humanity goes extinct. “Dammit, when are they supposed to die off again?” The Divine Creator asked Himself, adding that He could swear it was in 2016 or 3016, but expressed frustration at His inability to recall the precise date the entirety of mankind is supposed to be purged from the Earth. “Maybe it was 1995. I don’t know—my gut is telling me it’s in the next century, but pretty much all of these dates feel familiar now. Shit, I hope I didn’t miss it.” At press time, sources confirmed that the deity had scrapped all former plans and just slated the mass extinction for early next week.

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