Tuesday nights are always a good time for alcohol but, once a year, during the president’s State of the Union Address, it becomes an even better time to get drunk. As such, it’s also a time when every single publication puts out their own drinking game, helpfully instructing readers when to take shots, swigs, or chugs during key moments of the speech.

WATCH LIVE: President Obama Delivers the 2014 State of the Union





President Obama‘s speech tonight is expected to focus on income inequality, as well as a variety of other issues. It will likely be the same 90-minutes of platitudinous droning we’ve come to know from each and every president’s State of the Union Address.

So here’s our helpful guide on how to pass the time and get drunk. Because you really didn’t ask for it:

Take a shot…

…for every “State of the Union Drinking Game” article you’ve opened today.

…if Obama says: “The state of the union is strong.”

…if Obama says: “Jobs,” “deficit,” or “inequality.”

Eat one of those tiny bottle-shaped chocolates filled with liquor…

…if a Fox News host or pundit lambasts the president’s “recycled ideas” or “bully pulpit.”

…if an MSNBC host or pundit fawns over the president’s “legacy” or “vision.”

Take a swig of liquor…

…if Obama says: “Let me be clear.”

…if an Obama “uhhh” lasts more than two seconds. (Keep drinking for every second after two.)

…if a conservative pundit attacks Jason Collins on Twitter during the speech

…if Obama mentions the government shutdown.

Drink some tea…

…if Obama mentions Syria or Iran.

Chug a beer…

…if Obama mentions gun violence.

…if cameras cut away to Sean Hannity in the gallery.

…for every second of every standing ovation. Do not remove the beer from your lips until the last clap dies down.

…if a Fox pundit mentions “European-style socialism” in his/her post-game analysis.

Take a sip of alcohol and dramatically pop a prescription medication…

…if Obama mentions “broken promises” or “glitches” related to the Obamacare website.

Operate heavy machinery…

…if Obama promises anything regarding every American being insured within some sort of timetable.

Do a Jello shot…

…if Obama mentions early childhood education.

Drink a can of Natty Light…

…if Obama mentions “the 99 percent.”

Swirl a glass of scotch around and laugh maniacally…

…if Obama mentions “the one percent.”

…if the camera cuts to a known billionaire sitting in the gallery.

Snort Smarties…

…if you’ve finished all your alcohol and have tuned out entirely.

Hit a bong…

…if Obama mentions the drug war and/or various efforts to decriminalize/legalize marijuana on the state level.

Eat a bag of weed…

…if the president cautions that full legalization may not be the best route to scaling back the drug war.

Fill a mini water bottle with vodka and drink it all up…

…if either Cathy McMorris Rodgers, Mike Lee, or Rand Paul drink from a mini water bottle during their response speech.

Do an alcoholic enema, a.k.a butt-chugging,…

…if cameras cut away to Sean Hannity seated, stern and straight-faced, during a standing ovation.

Pour vodka straight into your eyeball, a.k.a eye-chugging,…

…if you actually are following the rules of this drinking game because, honestly, if you’ve gone this far you might as well pickle your corneas.

Pump your stomach…

…if you’re experiencing severe confusion, sudden lapses into and out of unconsciousness, vomiting, respiratory depression.

Discover Jesus and repent…

…if you recall seeing a bright light and your dead relatives while a “doctor” placed you in a bathtub and shoved that tube down your nose.

[Featured image via Shutterstock]

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