In what would have been a landmark study, Seattle levels of apathy and indifference have reached historic highs, according to survey data yet to be collected.



“We thought it might be cool to do a study on how local weather and culture affect the drive and ambition of local residents,” said University of Washington data analyst John Cox from the comfort of his bed. “It feels like a general malaise is sweeping through the community, but my colleagues just shrugged when I presented the idea.”



The Needling’s reporters then stepped up to assist in Cox’s study. As of this morning, a single, potential data point had been collected from a lady whose only response to questions was “huh?” as she pointed to non-existent headphones in her ears.

“It just seems like people don’t really care,” said a UW student researcher whose name we didn’t get.



Efforts to recruit more volunteer participants for the study ended abruptly just after a hearty lunch around midday nap time.



“The data collected should support our hypothesis that the dreary overcast weather of the Pacific Northwest correlates to higher levels of general indifference in the local population,” Cox, the leading UW statistician, said before taking a giant bong rip. “But we’ll never really know unless … I mean, yeah … I don’t know …”