Hello fellow bleacher creatures...I'm back. I've been away on a short holiday to escape from all the transfer B.S., but it was impossible really. Once you got the football bug, its over, you're finished...there's no escape.

This article was originally supposed to be a short comment in response to this article. The article by Salaar Shamsi was a brilliant preview of the Man Utd v Arsenal clash this Saturday. However, I got so carried away with my comment that I decided to reproduce it as an article.

I will tell you about the 10 key events that will happen at Old Trafford so that you can place your bets accordingly. I'll make this short and sweet.

This is what will happen at Old Trafford on Saturday.

1) Arsenal will spank Man Utd 5-0 in front of their local fans...most of them from China.

2) Nemanja Vidic will ask Sir Alex Ferguson not play him as "he's mentally not ready." Apparently he's pushing for a deadline day move to Barcelona.

3) Patricia Evra will be kicked by every Arsenal player from the first minute to all the way to his native Senegal, where he eventually brakes down and cries like the Patricia he really is.

4) Wayne Rooney will also brake down in tears midway through the second half as finally it dawns on him that his boyfriend Ronaldo left him and will never come back.

5) Rooney will be admitted to a mental health clinic shortly after the game. His teammates will find him sitting alone in the shower, holding a picture of Ronaldo, and wearing nothing but a tin hat.

6) After the match, Sir Alex Ferguson will be struck in the face with a lasagna and slice of Pizza.

7) An inside source will claim that the lasagna was thrown by a middle-aged Spanish man with a dodgy goatee.

8) Shortly afterwards, the police will release photos of possible suspects.

9) Andrey Arshavin will score four goals again in a man of the match performance. Mikael Silvestre, who comes on as late substitute, will score the fifth and kisses the badge right in front of the home fans.

10) Michael Owen will miss a hatrick of chances (absolute sitters) and, as a result, he's murdered by Alex Ferguson after the game. Months later, Ol' red nose pleads in court that it was a crime of passion.

If you are offended by the content of this article, please feel free to sue me at any time. My lawyer is Mohamed Eldin and he'll answer everything in due course.