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Greatest Heroes and Legends of the Bible was a bold little venture that dared to ask one controversial, but vital question: What if we took the most gruesome and awful parts of the bible, paid North Korean sweatshop workers to hastily animate them and then jammed a precocious, androgynous child and its mentally retarded Scooby Doo camel into the whole mess to sing kindergarten rock songs about murder and rape over asound effects reel?

That's a confusing question to ask, I know. But the good news is that Greatest Heroes has an answer for you; the bad news is that the "answer" is just furious screaming and a slide whistle. The show is balls deep in madness and never wants to pull out. Within the first 10 seconds of the actual animation, we have cougars, holy lasers, cougars running from holy lasers and a John Woo style dove explosion. Within the first minute,

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Now, let's meet our cast of characters: Here's the first "angel from God" who visits Samson's mother, an Israelite oppressed by the Philistines, to answer her prayers for a child. He chooses to manifest himself on Earth in the holiest form our culture will ever produce: A winged Sebastian Bach.

Samson's mother follows all of Bach's inexplicable riders -- don't eat or drink from the fruit of the vine, don't cut the boy's hair, only Crunchberries and whores allowed in the dressing room -- and in return he does what Sebastian Bach does best: He impregnates the holy hell out of her. She then produces Samson, and here's our hero now, looking like the answer to the question "What if Steve Perry was The Incredible Hulk?"

Perry Hulk soon meets a Philistine girl, the first of many bullet points on the thesis