Context for Headline: Frieds budget charges full VAT on Books, Newspapers and Heating, things purchased vastly by Pensioners.

Tonight on FOX. Friedmanite19 submits his budget to an absolutely whirlwind of public anguish as it appears the Tories have been locked out of Number 11 Downing Street.

Submitted Anonymously

In a rather hilarious move Friedmanite appears to have revoked the Prime Ministers keys to access the treasury, as he publishes a budget that is so LPUK it might as well start wearing a tin-foil hat and using the letter Z instead of S in many words (because Libertarians are American, get it?). It features many cost cutting measures in order to chase the ever elusive surplus unicorn and can be proudly shown to a set of bored economics students for a riveting laugh.

As usual, once dawn broke we started touting for leaks, begging on street corners and sending in quick-fingered cockney orphans to the house of commons and we got back some delights.

According to ” A former prominent Tory – but tbqh if you can’t work out who I am I’ll be sorely disappointed”, the Budget decimates Northern Investment, with one of the key policies being to abolish the HS2 Rail Line. The former prominent sex icon then goes on to say that the budget was shown to the cabinet, two hours before it was submitted to the Commons at 2am in the morning of the 28th of January. Which is just fucking hilarious. I can only imagine the confusion:

Friedmanite19: “Hey folks, here’s your budget, have a real good look at this, it’s a limited time offer though, here until 2am!”

Cabinet: *snoring because it’s midnight so they’re asleep*

Our friendly leak then goes on to give this scathing indictment of the Chancellor:

Friedmanite is an ineffective chancellor with the political skill of an aardvark. Unable to see the wood from the trees. The prime minister would be wise to let him go as soon as the debacle is resolved, no matter the consequence. The last prime minister to do that saved his government.

At Saltcon we’ve come up with potential titles for some of the budget policies, if they were submitted as Independent Bills by the LPUK:

Abolish HS2 – Destroy Northern Investment Bill

Taxing Libraries – I hate Paper Bill

Electrify and Upgrade Existing Rail Tracks – This has already been done Bill

20,000 New Teachers – More Teachers = More Smart Bill

Defunding Museums – Dinosaurs aren’t real anyway Bill

Full VAT on Books, Newspapers and Home Fuel – If we kill the elderly we save money on pensions Bill

Lottery Grant Cut – We don’t want Olympic Athletes Bill

Funding for Seaside Resorts – Stop going abroad, go to Blackpool like your Grandad used to Bill

Lower Rates of Income Tax – Taxation is Theft Bill

Cut in Alcohol Duties – REEEEEE SIN TAXES Bill

So what can the Government do? What can the Tories do? Rumour has it there is a lot of private unrest (despite the public showings of love) especially with the late announcement and Cabinet not being able to see it. We’ve compiled a short list below of what the Tories could do in order of likelihood (1 being most likely)

Whip for the budget, vote for it and go about reversing things in it or tidying things up next term – New budget but expect a radically different one next time Publically decry parts of the budget but still vote for – Budget pass but weird dynamic Whip against or whip a free vote – Potentially kills the Budget Withdraw the Budget – Kills any chance for a budget at all based on timescales Pull out of the Coalition – Kills the budget and the Government

Naturally /u/Padanub got up and rambled for a bit and nobody listened, but overall we’ve seen some solid salt going on.