PITTSBURGH, PA—Frantically removing his pants while simultaneously shouting “See ya Monday!” through his bedroom door, local man Tyler Mackey wasted absolutely no time masturbating directly after his roommate left to spend the weekend out of town. Upon hearing the door close and the key withdraw from the lock, Mackey waited roughly 15 seconds, called out “Hello?” multiple times, pleased with himself that he was alone in the shared apartment, unpaused a PornHub video titled “Busty Amateur Seduced By Best Friend,” and proceeded to satisfy himself sexually. Kemph, who left the shared apartment for his parent’s house in Philadelphia at 6:00 p.m., was and remains unaware that Mackey was nude from the waist down on their living room couch, penis in hand, by 6:01 p.m.; nor was Kemph aware that the fully erect 28-year-old, entirely unencumbered by the fear of intrusion, would spend the next 48 hours in a state of continual erotic self-stimulation. According to sources attempting to interact with Mackey, the opportunistic masturbator ignored 17 text messages, four phone calls from two different individuals, and two emails, allowing him to bring himself to a state of climax four separate times. Mackey’s plans for the weekend include enjoying the rare luxury of watching pornography with the sound on, pausing only to use the bathroom, acquiring a second tissue box, and eating a hurried meal of microwavable ramen noodles chosen specifically for their one-minute prep time. While Mackey is not currently in a relationship, women who have been romantically involved with him confess the 28-year-old may have learned the technique of waiting for complete solitude before pursuing sexual release from them.

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