Now We're Cooking... with Pot! And We Don't Mean Enameled Dutch Ovens

In my years of getting stoned, I've found that there are generally two types of stoners: the industrious stoners and the lazy stoners. There are the folks who smoke a joint before alphabetizing their record collection, cleaning the bathroom grout with a toothbrush, or designing dynamic and user-friendly computer programs. These are people who, despite a full-time job and maintaining a grow-house, still manage to whip up a marijuana-spiked flourless chocolate cake for a weekday dinner party. These people are successful, productive, and yet somehow, constantly stoned.

Then there are, of course, the people like myself: the lazy stoners. We enjoy sharing a doober, making nachos, then watching two hours of Family Guy and Two and a Half Men reruns. The culinary feats we dazzle our friends with include frozen pizzas, spaghetti and meatballs, and occasionally flipping a few flapjacks on a Sunday afternoon. But thankfully for us, there are lots of easy ways to bring that big bag of marijuana into the kitchen, and none of them require a Moroccan couscoussière.

But whether you're a magician in a kitchen, or your best dish is a jar of bean dip, we've got recipes that will keep you from stressing about the holidays—and instead, drifting through them in a giggly stupor. After all, it's going to be a long, dark winter. So let's pass the time in a productive and enjoyable way—by throwing a party and experimenting with drugs. But please be a responsible host and let your guests know if the food is loaded.

RECIPES FOR THE GANJA GOURMET

Bud Butter

illustration by Jeremy Eaton

Though preparing marijuana butter can take an entire afternoon, you can store it for future projects. Even lazy stoners might want to take a stab at whipping up a batch of the THC-laden butter—it lasts a long time and can be used anywhere you'd use regular old butter. The possibilities are endless!

What you'll need:

1 gallon water

1 pound butter

1 ounce or more of marijuana shake

1 large cooking pot

1 large bowl

Put the water, marijuana, and butter into a large pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and let simmer up to five hours. Turn heat off and run the mixture through a fine metal strainer or cheesecloth into a bowl. Squeeze cheesecloth to remove whatever butter you can from the marijuana. Discard the weed when you're done. Put the bowl of hot water and butter in the fridge or freezer. When the butter hardens, dump out the water, microwave the butter a bit, and then transfer to a Tupperware container. The butter will keep for several weeks.

Marijuana Milk

Like marijuana butter, marijuana milk has countless purposes. Use it in milkshakes or pancakes, or better yet, homemade hot chocolate spiked with Baileys. Now that should give you enough assistance to get through even the most mind-numbing family gatherings.

What you'll need:

One quart milk

One eighth to one quarter marijuana shake

One medium-sized cooking pot

Pour the milk and sweet leaf into your pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about an hour. Thrill your guests with herby mashed potatoes that will blow their minds.

Stoner Suds

For the home-brewers who are suddenly everywhere, throwing some weed in your brew is sure to make holiday parties more surreal. (Look, all your coworkers are totally fucked up!) For five gallons of beer, boil about a half-ounce of weed in water, then simmer for about two hours. Then add the weed and water mix to a high-alcohol brew that is almost done fermenting. Give it a couple days and you're ready to bottle and drink.

Pot Truffles

These pot truffles are insanely rich and delicious, and the chocolate flavor goes great with the pot.

What you'll need:

6 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

An 8-ounce package of cream cheese

1/8 ounce of weed

3 tablespoons instant coffee

2 teaspoons water

1/4 cup pot butter

double boiler or microwave-safe bowl

Melt four cups of the chocolate chips and the weed in a microwave or double boiler. Remove from heat and mix in cream cheese, coffee, and water. Chill in the fridge for about an hour until the mix is firm enough to shape into one-inch balls. Place on wax paper and place in freezer for another hour until very firm. In microwave or double boiler, melt final two cups of chocolate chips and butter. When smooth, drop a few frozen balls at a time into the chocolate mixture and stir quickly. Remove the balls quickly and put on wax paper lined cookie sheet. Allow time to cool and harden.

RECIPES FOR THE LAZY STONER

Chocolate Chip Pot Cookies

This is a favorite recipe that tastes great while requiring almost no cooking skill.

What you'll need:

1 roll pre-made cookie dough

1/4 ounce of weed

spice grinder

baking sheet

Throw your weed into spice grinder and grind until it is fine dust. Cut slices from your cookie dough log and coat each slice in marijuana dust. Put cookies slices on greased baking sheet and follow the baking instructions on the package.

Thanksgiving Day Dope Stuffing

8 cups slightly stale bread torn into pieces

1 cup chicken broth

1/2 cup celery

1/2 cup chopped onions

1/2 cup melted butter

1/2 cup chopped marijuana

2 tablespoons red wine

black pepper

saucepan

Sautee celery and onion in butter in your saucepan, then pour in broth, marijuana, red wine, and pepper. Bring to a boil. Then pour over breadcrumbs, stir, and use to stuff your bird.

The Green Dragon

The Green Dragon is a dangerous cocktail that could knock you on your ass. But then again, you might have fun on the way down.

What you'll need:

One fifth of vodka

1/4 ounce marijuana

fine mesh strainer

Pour vodka and weed into a saucepan. Heat slowly without boiling for 15 minutes. Strain and cool in the freezer. Drink Green Dragon straight over ice or with mixers.

*These recipes are only intended for use during parties to which only people who are legally prescribed medical marijuana are invited. Seriously.

RESOURCES

You'll need a weed dealer. Can't really help with that.

Order a weed cookbook from greencookbook.com, or take a look at thestonerscookbook.com.

New Seasons Markets offers all kinds of different cooking classes including "Fall Desserts" and "Versatile Appetizers with Phyllo Dough, Pie Crust, and Puff Pastry." Hone your skills and become a more impressive chef, with or without dope.

newseasonsmarket.com

Interested in learning to make your own beer? Check out F.H. Steinbart Company for all the supplies and advice you'll need. Maybe don't tell them you're brewing pot beer, though.

F.H. Steinbart Company, 234 SE 12th, 232-8793

Looking for something special like a Moroccan couscoussière (it's apparently for making couscous)? Sur La Table has all the fancy cooking equipment you could ever want. However, if you happen to be broke, I recommend scoring pans and spatulas at your local Salvation Army.

Sur La Table, 1102 NW Couch, 295-9679; Salvation Army, various locations, satruck.com