There are some people in Massachusetts who don’t understand why God created drive-ins. There are even some people in New York City who don’t know what the word drive-in means. If you know any of these people — or any of the unfortunate people living under despotic regimes who are denied the right to attend movies in automobiles — I urge you to clip this article out and send it to them immediately. This is for the poor turkeys who don’t have the advantages that you and me have. This is for the suckers who never got the chance to watch flicks in the great outdoors the way they were meant to be seen.

Numero Uno: Decide immediately whether you are interested in public or private entertainment.

The beautiful thing about the drive-in is that the flick is public but your car is not. So if you have something more interesting going on in your car than on the screen, you should take advantage of the situation by purchasing certain options. One is the retractable steering wheel (to avoid hip injury). Another is the fold-back seat (to avoid the direct imprint of upholstery patterns on the skin). And a final, very important one, is various sundries and toiletry items to be deposited in the glove compartment (consult your pharmacist). If the screen ismore interesting, as it usually is, all you need is one ice chest and anywhere from four to sixteen six-packs. (Lowenbrau specifically forbidden in Texas drive-ins, but permissible in wimp states like Vermont; Lone Star always welcome)

Numero Two-O: No matter who or what you see at the drive-in, do NOT bring lawn chairs.

The worst you can do is take up space somebody could’ve used to park in. The best you can do is look like a jerk, sittin in a lawn chair with a speaker hooked on the back. This defeats the entire purpose — namely, to go out for an evening’s entertainment while still enjoying the comforts of your car.

Numero Three-O: When approaching another car, ALWAYS count the heads before opening the door.

I think this one is fairly self-explanatory and falls under the heading of Class C Misdemeanors.

Numero Four-O: Keep your lights off at all times.

Not only does this muck up the picture for the people who are trying to watch, it can be damned embarrassing.

Numero Five-O: Do not own a van.

If you do own a van, do not bring it to the drive-in because it does not belong there.

© Joe Bob Briggs