HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the fucking park recently,” Ramos said of the rodent, who had reportedly been “bringing its A-game” when it came to climbing the walls of its habitat, playing in a toilet paper roll, and standing up on hind legs to sip from its water bottle. “Up the tube, down the tube, the dude’s killing it. Just the other day, I couldn’t find him and all of a sudden he bursts out of this pile of wood chips. Then he crawled up my arm and just started nipping at my ear. This motherfucker blows our gecko out of the goddamn water.” At press time, sources confirmed that Butter’s magical streak had sadly been broken after an inflated ego had led the gerbil to mess around on the window ledge, fall two stories, and die.

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