Victory in Afghanistan now a real possibility, says Taliban following Trump speech

In the countryside around Kandahar, Taliban troops have experienced a great surge of morale now that Donald Trump is going to be involved in the sixteen-year-old conflict.

Saymoun Al-Ulliamsih, a unit commander in the Helmand province, said the US president’s recent statements gave his men real hope of retaking the country.

“To be honest, most of us had resigned ourselves to martyrdom and relied on our sons to take up the Kalashnikov. The infidel armies are just too well equipped and too well supplied. But since the American devils have chosen the fool with the tiny hands to lead their tribe, we have regained hope.

“Now that he has committed to increasing the US presence, we are pretty confident he will sack his generals and signal a full withdrawal from our country in the next two months. With Allah’s blessing we’ll be in Kabul before the first snow.”

In Washington, White House communications director of the week, Hope Hicks, fiercely denied that Trump had changed his mind on Afghanistan because Jared Kushner got him to watch Rambo 3 over the weekend. The comment surprised the press corps as no one had yet had a chance to ask any questions.

Ms Hicks also highlighted that the president’s tough stance on Pakistan remained unchanged and he was planning to hashtag the country in some pretty damning tweets once the white dots in his immediate field of vision faded away.