Objective 4, Book 4b

Buster and I have made it through Objective 3 and are moving into Objective 4. For this exercise, we are to be ambulant. The commands are to touch a body part then to touch an object. If your twin is unwilling, you move their hand and make them touch what you have commanded them to touch. Of course, there is to be no instruction about touching genitalia.

“Touch your head,” I command Buster.

He responds by touching his crotch and laughing. I am not amused.

“Not that head, ass face,” I snap.

I am supposed to move his hand to his head, but there is no way I am removing his hand from his junk. He moves it to his head himself.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that partition,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your right knee,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that chair,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your left elbow,” I command. Buster complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

Misty and Justice are still on Objective 2 and I can see they are both irritated and ready to be done with it. My peripheral vision catches Justice knock the book from Misty’s hand after she has been instructed to contribute to the motion. This causes me to chuckle, but I can feel her pain. The book lands at our feet.

“Touch that book,” I command. Buster picks it up.

This is technically a bite. He wasn’t commanded to pick the object up. I document this on the paperwork, as he walks it over to Misty.

“No! Get that thing out of here,” Justice snaps while batting at the book again.

“I have a cog,” Buster claims.

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that I am in communication with myself,” he cogs.

“Good,” I respond. “Touch your left knee,” I command. He complies.

“Touch that water cooler,” I command. We walk over to it and he touches it.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your right ear,” I command. Buster complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that desk,” I command. Buster reaches as if he is going to touch the desk, but stops short and smiles. I push his hand into the desk.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

Like every Objective before it, Objective 4 is so repetitive and mind numbing. We will spend several hours running this Objective before Buster finally EPs and then runs me on it. It takes us a couple of days, but we finally both EP and move onto Objective 5.

Objective 5, Book 4b

For this Objective there is a table. The table is for your twin to walk around, in a circle, nonstop, while being give the commands. Like a hamster on its wheel, you are to remain ambulant through the entire session.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your nose,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

Buster continues to circle the table.

“Touch that table,” I command. Buster complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your forearm,” I command.

“Which forearm?” He questions.

“Well obviously your right forearm since that is the arm that you continue to touch the table with, leaving your left arm out of play,” I respond. He smirks but complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that table,” I command.

“I have a cog,” he claims.

“Alright,” I acknowledge, while reaching for the clipboard.

“I realize that I am circling this table like I have repeated the same circle in my life during drug use,” he cogs.

“Good one,” I acknowledge.

“You think? What do you think they are looking for us to say here?” He asks.

“I thought you knew all the EPs,” I respond smugly. “Just run the drill.”

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your right cheek,” I command. He touches his left cheek.

“That’s a bite,” I say, while scribbling it in the paperwork.

“What? Why?” He asks.

“Because I said touch your right cheek and you touched your left,” I reply.

“Oh shit. I didn’t mean to,” he laughs.

“Touch that table,” I command.

“I have a cog,” he suggests.

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that there have been times in my life where I was so fucked up I have not known my right from my left,” he laughs.

I laugh with him. “Are you fucked up right now?”

We both laugh, but I write down his cognition and think to myself, “What a moron.”

“I have another cog,” he alleges.

“Okay,” I acknowledge with an eye roll.

“I realize that I am using intention without reservation when I touch my body then touch the table,” he cogs.

“Sounds good to me,” I acknowledge.

“Alright, bathroom break,” Makayla calls out. “Do you want to take them and I’ll keep an eye on the TRs?” Makayla asks Madison.

Madison grabs the keys, but wears an unenthusiastic look. We follow behind her, as she drags her feet with every step of her walk. I am glad Madison is taking us because she literally gives no fucks to the fact that we will all be smoking in the bathrooms. She is starting to grow on me.

Once back in the classroom, we begin our session.

“Touch that table,” I command. Buster complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your right foot,” I command.

“I have a cog,” Buster suggests.

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that I am in control of whether or not I obey your commands,” he cogs.

“Let’s take our paperwork to Makayla,” he suggests.

This is something he suggests often. If Makayla reviews it and sees that we have the EPs, she will send our paperwork across the street. However, more often than not, she insists that we keep running it because we haven’t run it long enough. Because I know this, it irritates me that he wants to take it up after every cognition. It irritates her too.

“I am not even going to look at that Buster. You need to stay in session,” she laughs, while pointing for him to go back to the table.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your left ankle,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

I continue giving him the commands and he continues to comply, with a cog here and there in between. This is mind numbing and frustrating. Every Book of this program has been so repetitive. What are they trying to do here? What is the point of having us repeat the same crap over and over again? First we suffered the, “Do birds fly drill.” Then we walked back and forth between walls. Looking at them, touching them and then turning around. It’s almost robotic. Like they are molding us for something big, but thus far, I have no idea what the point of any of this and I am still waiting to deal with my underlying issues.

After lunch we come back and to no surprise, we are still on Objective 5. I have heard that this is a breaking Objective for many. Apparently, several people have manifested blows running this one. I can see it. I can sense it. I am the one giving the commands. Being the hamster forced to walk its wheel, looks like a breaking point for me, easily. Every time Buster is caught, leaning on the table or not walking around it, Makayla notices and instructs him to stay ambulant. How many hours do they expect us to walk in a literal circle, over and over again?

“Touch that table,” I command. Buster complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your right hand,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your right knee pit,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your left ear,”I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

This Objective is long and arduous. After awhile, you run out of fresh ideas for body parts and even they become repetitive commands.

“Touch your left ear,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch your nose,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“Touch that table,” I command. He complies.

“Thank you,” I acknowledge.

“I have a cog,” he claims.

“Alrighty,” I acknowledge.

“I realize the table is cold,” he cogs, before flipping it over.

Makayla makes her way over to us.

“What’s going on?” She asks.

“This is fucking retarded. That’s what’s going on,” Buster replies. “I don’t know what you are wanting me to say.”

I can sense his frustration and am curious if he is actually manifesting a blow, or if he is attempting to fake it so that he will EP the Objective.

“I’ll give you a hint,” Makayla informs us. “It’s okay to flip the table over. Get another perspective on it. Realize things about this exercise from all angles.”

“I have a cog,” Buster claims.

Makayla walks off and I grab the clipboard.

“I realize that the underneath of the table is not the same as the top,” he cogs.

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I have another cog,” he suggests.

“I realize that the table is metal,” he cogs.

“Alright,” I acknowledge.

“I have another cog,” he says.

“Okay,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that we don’t always see things for what they really are,” he cogs.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

“I have another cog,” he claims.

“Alright,” I acknowledge.

“I realize that this table has loose screws and that when I am on drugs I have looses screws in my head,” he cogs.

“Good,” I acknowledge.

He continues to cog several more times before admitting to me that he was going to try to manifest a blow, but that I am better at it. This irks me. He really thinks that I faked that last blow to get us to the next Objective. Does he not realize how much he really irritates and frustrates me? Can he not see how these Objectives are driving me nuts and I don’t think I am going to survive them? There are like 12 of these stupid things and I just want them to be over. I never thought I would miss sitting in that hot, stinky, ass sauna as much as I do right now. I really thought that I could do this. For myself, for my daughter and for my family. I can’t take this anymore. It’s mindless. It’s robotic. It’s brainwashing propaganda. It’s dull and I am so done. I can’t do this with Buster. I wish Richard was still my twin. I just want it to be over. I thought that I could rough it and stick it out, but I don’t think I am going to be completing my program after all…

Today’s Theme Song- I Just Want It To Be Over- Keyshia Cole

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**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**