FOLLOWING Nick Kyrgios’ victory over Rafael Nadal, Bernard Tomic rang to say well done and get some tips. Satirist Titus O’Reily has the scoop.

Tomic: Hi mate, it’s Bernard.

Kyrgios: Oh.

Tomic: Just wanted to ring and say well done.

Kyrgios: Thanks man. Appreciate it. Anyway, I better run…

Tomic: Hey, when you lost that second set, how come you didn’t just decide it was time to give in and go for drinks?

Kyrgios: Sorry?

Tomic: You know, when you realise it’s all too hard and you just want it to end as soon as possible?

media_camera Bernard Tomic seeks some new inspiration.

Kyrgios: I can’t say I felt that. I just wanted to win no matter what. I just believed in myself.

Tomic: That makes absolutely no sense at all. Imagine if everyone just went around believing in themselves? Chaos.

Hey, for the next tournament, we should go out together to prepare. Do you prefer to train by getting a lap dance on stage or just drink all night in the VIP section?

I like to mix it up so I don’t get bored.

Kyrgios: Lately, I just pretty much live at the gym.

Tomic: I think I’ve been there. It’s in Miami right? With the rotating dance floor?

Kyrgios: Mate, I have to go, important people are trying to call and I want to get some sleep before my next match.

Tomic: Wait, a tournament goes more than four matches? Oh, you’ve hung up.

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Titus writes an increasingly popular satirical sports blog titusoreily.com

Follow him @TitusOReily