GLENWILLOW, OH—In what is believed to be the largest anti-animal-cruelty rally targeting a household appliance maker, thousands of angry PETA activists descended on Hoover headquarters Wednesday to protest a model of vacuum cleaner that reportedly spooked a dog. “Animal lives are equal to human lives, and a vacuum startling any dog—particularly such a good boy as Ruffles—is nothing short of terrorism,” said protest organizer Rebecca Watts, who brandished a dust-filled vacuum bag she intended to pour on an unwitting Hoover executive. “Ruffles was underneath the kitchen table for several hours while the Hoover corporation said nothing. And that is nothing new—hundreds of dogs are spooked by vacuums on a daily basis, and society refuses to offer so much as a ‘there, there.’ Some repulsive pet owners even go so far as to post videos of their dogs getting spooked by vacuums as if life-threatening trauma is funny. Would you find a video of a toddler being waterboarded funny? The manufacturers responsible for this sonic excruciation machine should be thrown in jail.” Neither Hoover executives nor Ruffles the dog could be reached for comment.

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