So I’m here to respond to some of the very unfair accusations that have been made against me lately. Some women are saying that I’m a “jerk,” a “douchebag,” and “cheated with your sister,” but none of that is true. It’s actually impossible. You see, I was a geek in high school and people made fun of me, so get the eff off my back!

You may see a fully realized man in front of you today, but growing up, I was a fucking geek and nobody respected me. Was I into typical geek stuff like math and computers? Absolutely not, because I’m not a fucking loser. But I did not play sports, and some dick made fun of me once, and that’s why I can’t possibly be a jerk. Are you an idiot? Look it up!

You’re supposed to support a former geek, no matter how badly I broke your toilet to show you how strong I am. Not that I’m asking for your pity or anything—I’m just asking for you to admit the truth: I’ve never been wrong and I’m incapable of screwing up. Now show me your bra!

I didn’t get to fuck a lot when I was in high school because I was a geek, which means I have a lot of fucking to make up for! Noice! Just make sure you clean that shit first, okay? This is supposed to be sex, not torture! Unless you’re into that because you’re nasty, haha. JK, I only do doggy style and will get extremely flustered if you suggest anything else.

Come on! Quit riding my dick and start feeling bad for me! You’re talking to a fucking former geek!

The next time you think about telling me that I’m being a jerk, think again. Remember how a mere 12 years ago, I stopped developing as a person. I hated it at the time but look on the bright side—I’m not a jerk and you’re wrong!!!