Greetings, American Girls!

These days, we at American Girl are more aware than ever of the importance of the young women who shape this nation. Now is your moment—in the face of an Administration and at least three previous generations that have failed you, it is on you to take up the mantle, and to embody what our business model has defined as the Principles That Define America. Awesome!

So it is with pleasure that we present the next crop of American Girls—the Pandemic Collection. Despite the fact that these dolls continue to be available exclusively to the upper-middle class or to those willing to go into debt to see a child smile during one of the bleakest periods in our country’s history, we hope that this counts as doing our part.

Elsie, Who Has Started Talking to Inanimate Objects

Elsie Han was thrilled to move into her first apartment without roommates about a month before the coronavirus quarantine began, and now her relationship with reality is rapidly deteriorating! She is still speaking with her co-workers for five hours a day on Zoom, and, late at night, she texts exes to apologize for things that are unnecessary. But recently, she pretended to marry the one dish that she owns, which can’t be good.

Opal, Who Fled to Her Parents’ Estate

Opal Chandelier was utterly dismayed to find her dream of becoming a third-tier character in a free-form show destroyed by a global pandemic that, given her privilege, will probably affect no one she knows. With her future wrecked, Opal decided to throw caution to the wind and leave her Manhattan apartment to actively endanger her sexagenarian parents at their tax-haven manse in North Carolina. Spunky and shameless, Opal defends her decision to put her parents at risk by noting that they have committed white-collar crimes, which they have.

Rarity, Who Is Frantically Posting Thot Pics and Going on Socially Distanced Dates

Rarity Stevens is as petrified of the apocalypse as the rest of her friends, but she can’t help but take advantage of an opportunity to get an unprecedented amount of attention online. During the outbreak, Rarity has donated to local food banks, digital tip jars, and more, but the fact remains—she is so horny. Last week, after an elaborately staged ring-light photo yielded a match who wasn’t a complete monster, Rarity and an undisclosed second party masturbated in their respective parked cars while locking eyes through filthy car windows, as uneaten Del Taco meals rotted in their passenger seats.

Alexis, the Essential Worker Who’s F***ing Had it

Alexis Carter is a working nurse and a hero and has had it with hearing about how stressful it is sitting at home all day. Read the room, everyone. She would write more here, but she is BUSY SAVING LIVES.

Crowley, Who Is Manically Pursuing Crafting Projects

Crowley Peck has taken the coronavirus so in stride that it makes her loved ones slightly nervous. “This is actually the kick in the pants I needed to take up a new hobby!” she told her best friend on the phone, through gritted teeth, while compartmentalizing existential dread, her body aching from the compulsive five-hour workouts she does to distract from the terror of having witnessed so many tragedies already in her lifetime. Crowley Peck has a new hobby, so nothing else could possibly be wrong!

We look forward to your rampant criticism on Twitter!!!