SOCHI (The Borowitz Report)—Minutes after the Russian men’s hockey team fell to Finland 3-1, a devastated President Vladimir Putin told reporters, “This must be what an actual election feels like.”

Reliving the horrible experience of watching his team lose to the Finns, the Russian leader said, “As the game went on, I started thinking to myself, ‘My God, I have no idea what the outcome of this is going to be.’ I had never experienced that feeling before. It was ghastly.”

Speaking of world leaders who have had to run in free and fair elections, Putin said, “I admire their moxie. I really do. But after what I just went through today, I can definitely say it’s not for me.”

Photograph by Sasha Mordovets/Getty.