Photograph by Andrew Neel

My window blinds are open, but the overcast sky is not giving much natural light to my room. My mood is somber. I’m resting my head in my hands, while my arm is against the table. My scriptures are open, but I can’t bring myself to read anything. I don’t feel persecuted enough to find wisdom from Paul. I don’t feel humanitarian enough to find guidance from King Benjamin. I don’t feel deep enough to be enlightened by Joseph. I haven’t prayed yet. I don’t want to hear the word of God- because I know what he’s going to say.

I feel guilty. I feel disappointed. I feel wicked.

How could I be messing up like this? How could I be choosing sin when I could have chosen righteousness instead? How many times do I fall to my knees, with tears in my eyes, begging God to forgive me? Although I feel the sadness in my heart, and the regret seems to fill my entire soul- I question whether this is real repentance or not. Part of me knows I’m probably going to commit this sin again. So is this just blasphemy? Am I just lying to God?

Then I begin to think about what happened. How could I let one girl have so much power over me? I didn’t love her. I’m not even confident I know her middle name. I don’t know her hometown. I barely know her major. I barely know…her. So why did I let the kissing get so far? Why did I do the college walk of shame to my apartment-again? My entire being feels weak, and without strength to resist temptation. Who cares if it wasn’t sex. It may as well have been. If I’m going to be so legalistic with sin, I may as well change my name to Sadducee.

Of course then, I start feeling a whole new level of guilt. Why didn’t I respect her more? A daughter of God- a sister in the Gospel, such a woman deserves to be treated as an equal. Someone with a soul, not as an object for a repressed Orthodox Christian boy. Then the toughest thoughts come into my mind:

“How could I ignore my covenants like this?”

“What if someone needs me to give them a Priesthood blessing? Now I’ve let them down, because I’m not worthy to do so.”

“Looks like I can’t go to the Temple this week.”

“Should I talk to my Bishop, or just hope the sacrament and earnest prayer covers it?”

It’s been about thirty minutes of self hate and wallowing in despair. Then it’s been an hour. Now it’s two hours, and then I fall asleep. When I wake up from the “nap of shame.” I feel better, not forgiven. Then I take a shower, brush my teeth, put on new clothing, get on my knees, fold my arms and pray. After this, I take a deep breath and remember the Savior, I remember that he died so I could have hope, even after such a sin- especially after such a sin.

The ironic thing is that this is often when people begin to question their faith in God, or their testimony of the gospel. The guilt is too hard, the shame is too hurtful. So they begin to doubt God. They begin to doubt the scriptures. They begin to doubt the authority, the history, the covenants and the hope.

Not me.

I don’t doubt, in fact; my faith is stronger. The warning voice is louder than the comforter, because I’m stubborn and well, human. So I stand up, put on shoes, grab my backpack and head for class. I begin thinking to myself: “Kwaku, you have a knowledge of the heart and of the mind, of the truthfulness of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. You are ordained to the Priesthood. You have seen miracles, God has brought you so far- why are you so weak to sin?”

Only then, do I realize that I am not the only one in this position. In fact, I’m in good company.

“17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. 18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. 19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. 21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. 22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me. 23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time. 24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me. 25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them. 26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?” (2 Nephi 4:17–26)

In the city of Provo Utah, where everyone puts on a show to look great, behind the curtain is human despair and frailty. We show others our outer Nephi — the Nephi who follows the commandments of God. We never let anyone see our inner Nephi, begging for forgiveness. Our hidden Nephi disgusted at his or her unworthiness and covenant breaking. If other people can’t see our humanity, then maybe it isn’t so bad? Wrong. That attitude won’t heal you. We don’t become better disciples by pretending to be. We become better disciples because our Heavenly Father loves us, forgives us and trusts us.

“27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? 28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. 29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions. 30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation. 31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?” (2 Nephi 4:27–31)

Before Paul was an Apostle, he was a genocidal maniac. Not only did he murder people. He murdered the Saints of Christ, the followers of the Son of God. He was consumed with hate. Paul committed the worst sin you can commit in this life, to the most special people. This didn’t stop God from making him into an Apostle, and using him as a vessel to give us almost half of The New Testament.

Alma was the son of Alma the Prophet. He was learned in the doctrine of God, yet rebelled and lead people away from the truth. He was incredibly wicked, he was hateful and a liar. This didn’t stop God from making him into a Prophet, and recording some of the life changing miracles in The Book of Mormon.

If God can work with murderers and apostates, then he can work with me. If God wasn’t finished with them, he isn’t finished with me. Guilt can be good, it is a recognition of wrong doing. However, Satan uses that guilt and turns it into shame. Instead of “Look what you did wrong,” he tells us “Look at how bad you are. There is no hope.” Satan attacks us when we’re weakest, and whispers that God is done with us. Don’t listen to that whisper.

Instead, rejoice because of the goodness of God. Reflect on the mighty plan of salvation, that has given you hope for more than just forgiveness, but hope to be used as a vessel of good in this world. I am not comfortable with sinning, but I’m comfortable with sin, because I know that God is stronger; and because God is stronger, I can prevail over any weakness.

“32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! 33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way — but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy. 34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. 35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.” (2 Nephi 4:32–35)