Dear true Christians,

Did you know that today’s ungodly obsession with pirates and piracy has a historically sinful legacy? Pirates are nothing less than agents of Satan, leading sinful lives and wreaking havoc across the globe. We must combat piracy in all its forms.

Somalia is the current home of many of the world’s pirates. Somalian pirates don’t just steal people and sell them into sexual slavery. They also kill people for their kinky sinful pleasures. Somalian pirates are a sinful, sinful lot. Many of these pirates are heathens that have to carry big guns to compensate for their small faith. Consider these examples:

What can we learn from these sinners? Big gun little faith! Sinful ways yield lives of fear. With Jesus, we don’t fear. With Satan, we always fear. In fact, pirates have increased on a global scale over the past few hundred years. Look at this graph, put forth by the heathen worshippers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to claim that a decrease in global pirates yields higher global temperature. Their correlation on the graph is actually all wrong, it instead shows a correlation between an increase in pirates (more on that in a moment) and an increase in sinfulness on a global scale. Why did Noah’s flood happen in the first place? As a sign that God controls all of the world, even the oceans. The pirates cannot run forever. The flood occurred because of a mass increase in global sin. Modern Earth is inundated with such sin, and the world may flood yet again. The scientists even say that Manhattan might flood because the ice caps are melting. These caps are melting because of an increase in global sin, which directly correlates to an increase in global pirates, as shown on this graph:

And remember the captions are wrong, as I noted above. But the trend in my corrected form is right. Don’t believe that pirates are still a global threat? Then why this warning on DVDs all across America?:

The pirates are in our midst, even as you read this. Yet Americans (and the world) are obsessed over pirates! There is even a pirate pornographic video called Pirates, which (I would assume, since I looked at “Pirates” on the google, in Safe mode of course, and these images came up), most likely shows these heathens getting down and dirty as they march themselves straight into hell:

I have not seen this ungodly film, and suggest that you do not see it either. It probably involves these three heathens having sexual relationships with a monkey, which consistently shows up in pictures on the google. This is the monkey:

Why does the monkey look terrified? The answer is obvious! The monkey is about to be sodomized by sinners! This obsession with pirates having sexual relationships with monkeys shows the problems inherent with evolution. Evolution teaches us that man came from monkeys. If man came from monkeys, then its ok for man to engage in sinful adulterous relationships with monkeys. Evolution makes us bestiality-loving heathens. We must reject the evils of evolution and keep it away from our children. And we must reject the sinful ways of pirates. Look at this movie sincerely! We have two unwashed miscreant men having sexual relationships with an innocent monkey and the whore of Babylon. This is clearly the work of Satan.

Pirates are nothing less than Satan’s sinful smugglers. They sneak sinful ideas into our hearts and minds through pirate porn and other heathen smut, and try to lead us away from Jesus. We must reject them and send them back to hell where they came from.

Join me, and reject piracy in all its forms.

Yours in Christ,

Jim