The way most people meet romantically is through social circles. An example would be when a friend sets you up with someone. Or, you are invited to a party, and meet a woman by being introduced by a mutual friend. In fact, women are used to meeting men in these scenarios. This is why your chances of having lasting relationships with women you meet from your social circle are much higher than if you solely meet them via more anonymous social settings (bars, clubs, even internet dating). So, why not learn some ways then to enhance your social circle, optimizing your opportunities for meeting compatible women? This chapter is devoted to exploring this topic.

Expanding your social circle has a snowball effect. You meet one person, they invite you to a party, and guess what – you have just also met 25 of her friends. You meet three people at the party, which leads to 3 times the amount of people in your social circle. Being open-minded and social is a great way to expand our world in an effort to find like-minded people.

So, what are some specific ways that we can enhance our social circle?

• Saying “Yes”

• Be in the know about happenings in your community

• Doing things alone

• Be a leader

• Start Where You Are

Saying “Yes”

I was recently working with a guy here in New York, in a one-on-one consultation. He mentioned to me that he had lots of friends, but they were not involved in activities that he was interested in. So, I asked him, “what do you do instead?” He said he liked to work out, or go home and read. These are fine activities, but clearly not ways to expand a social life. We realized eventually that his idea of a good time was doing something he knew in advance would be fun, and that this was typically a solo activity. He was not willing to step out of his comfort zone and try something new.

My advice to him, and to you too, is to say “yes” more often. If someone asks you to join them for an event, say “yes”. If a group is heading out for a drink after work and you’re invited, say “yes”. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and experience new things. You will meet new people, and you may find you like the new activity. Your life can only get larger if you say “yes”, and it will only shrink by saying “no”. The only way to grow in this area, or in any area of life, is to consciously choose to be uncomfortable. Once you are comfortable, you have stopped growing.

Also, if you stretch your comfort zone, you will have to relate to people differently than you do in your “safe” zones. We tend to talk about the same things when we spend time with the same people, in the same environments. If we say “yes” to expanding our social network and environments, our social skills will improve.

Passionate people are open-minded, and naturally curious about things they do not know. You can’t lose when you say “yes”. Take advantage of every new opportunity presented.

Know Your Local Events!

Part of being a social person is in knowing what is happening in your local community. There is likely more to your town or city than meets the eye. Find where events are listed for your city, and check it out on a regular basis. As you become more involved in your life by pursuing interests and hobbies, you will be privy to the events surrounding that area of interest. Here in New York, we have The Village Voice which lists each week’s cultural events. Everything is covered, from movies and theater, to music and art, lectures and seminars. Find where this information is kept in your local community, and try some of them out.

You can often find interesting, free events, openings, exhibitions and promotions by searching your community calendar. Often, free events are off-beat, and can provide for an interesting and adventurous evening. If you take a date to an event that turns out to be bizarre, strange, and otherwise horrible, that’s GREAT. Leave it with a laugh, proving that you are both open to discovering new things in your community. It reveals that you have good taste and are unafraid to walk away from something boring and uncomfortable, plus it gives the two of you a great story to tell.

About a year ago, I was leaving the subway on my way home. I noticed a lot of people heading in one direction, so I decided to follow them to discover what it was they were going to see. It turned out that just two blocks away from my home was a rather large, and very cool, cultural center where they were hosting a big party that night. It involved a large gallery opening, a banqueted meal, and a huge dance party that went late into the night. Had I not been paying attention, without an open mind, I would have never known about the event or the venue, which I attended numerous times afterward.

Pay attention to what is happening around you. Often people will post about events, parties and lectures on the community board in a grocery store. This is a great way to meet new people, and expand your social circle.

Going Out Alone

Also, if no one in your current network wants to go, feel free to go alone (gasp). Why not? Go to things alone, and force yourself to interact with new people. I have always had positive results from doing things alone. The key is to make friends when you arrive. Your goal is to meet new people, right? Why not apply a little social pressure to yourself and go alone, so you cannot hide behind what feels familiar? The worst thing that happens is that you attend an event, you extend your hand in introduction to people and they completely reject you (never happens by the way, but this is the worst case scenario) thereby proving to you that they are snobs. You leave knowing you tried to meet new people and they were just too close-minded to make space for a new, cool person in their little world. With the right attitude, going to things alone is a great way to expand your social circle. If you decide to do this, here is a strategy for increasing your effectiveness:

1) Arrive, and introduce yourself to the host of the party or event (I also used to simply hand them my card, and after a brief chat, ask to be put on their mailing list. This is a good tip for developing ideas for things to do in the future, as well as cultivating a network of cool contacts).

2) Mingle with some of the guys there (way easier for most guys to chat with guys…right?).

3) Now that you have some male friends as a base, mingle within their social circle – who knows, they may have single, available female friends with them.

4) Then, begin to mingle off of their social circle. As you converse and discuss things, bring other people into it – “hey, we are discussing ___, what do you think about ____?” Presto, you have just expanded the social circle.

The above is a four-step outline which describes a structure to mingling. Now, you can take this further if there is a woman there that has caught your eye, and you want to meet her.

5) Take the lead, and move the group you are in to “her” area of the room.

6) When you are in her vicinity, bring into your circle the closest person to you that is in “her” circle.

7) Again, take the lead, and present the topic to her circle, connecting the two social circles.

Presto, you are involved in her circle. When she says something, take the lead and respond. This begins a conversation with you and her. One word of advice, if you really want to begin a good conversation with her, and make it look smooth in the process – disagree with whatever she says. That’s right, find a way to disagree with her. Then, it makes perfect sense that the two of you talk – as you now have to work out your disagreement!

The above structure is a classic way of socializing that has worked for me countless times. If your goal is merely to expand your social circle, follow this and find yourself meeting new people constantly. This is also a great way to smoothly meet the “her” in the room. Of course, you can also just walk up to her and introduce yourself that might be simpler, and more impressive too. Doing that is a lot easier if you have made some friends first, and established a home base somewhere in the sea of strangers.

By the way, if someone catches your eye and you feel this strong urge to meet her, here is exactly what you say to meet her. Ready? You may be surprised to find it is super simple. Here goes:

“Hi, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I noticed you from across the room and had to risk embarrassment to meet you. My name is….”

That’s it! You could spend all night trying to come up with the perfect thing to say, or simply say the truth. If you do this with a strong posture and voice, while holding steady eye contact, you will impress her. If she is cold or rejects you, she is probably that way anytime someone is direct and honest with her. Cut your losses and walk away. She just failed the test, not you. Got it?

A basic rule of social circles is: If one person is interested in another person, the way to signal your interest is to talk to them! That’s it – real simple. Above I outline two strategies to get from knowing no one to talking with the one who catches your eye. If you are interested in a woman, are introduced to her or meet her in the above ways,the best way to let her know that you are interested is to simply talk to her for a while.

Usually, when we meet someone new, there is a window of time where we introduce ourselves and make small talk. If you are interested in someone, take it further – show that you are interested by building commonalities and being curious about who she is. Use some of your conversational skills (that we discuss later) to see if you have anything in common with each other. If you decide you are interested in seeing her, ask her for her phone number. It is that simple guys. Talking with her for longer than is the social norm for simple introductions, and you are letting her know you are interested.

By the way, the best way to get a woman’s number in any situation is to simply say the following:

Unfortunately, I can’t continue our conversation now as I have to ____ (go back to my friends, go to a meeting, take a call, whatever the real reason is for you to leave the conversation), so we will have to continue some other time. How do we stay in touch?

I have heard millions of craftily worded lines and gimmicks to ensure getting a woman’s number. If you have to resort to such a highly complex strategy to simply secure her contact information, you haven’t paid nearly enough attention to the basics (demonstrating your personality, storytelling, connecting etc. – don’t worry, we will cover these). If you cover the basics, continuing the conversation is a foregone conclusion. She will want you to have her number.