Sometimes the internet giveths, and sometimes it giveths SO MUCH THANK YOU KIND AND GENEROUS INTERNET. Today the internet unbuttoned her blouse, and shook out the most amazing letter from a frat bro about how to communicate with those wily and mysterious creatures known as "Jewish women".

Upon learning that his frat would be interacting with a sorority filled with Jewish ladies, the greatest little frat dude at the University of Maryland fired off the following missive to his bros.

Just know — "This is funny, but also serious." You've been warned.

([sic] throughout)

Hello Everyone,

Most of the Jewish people in the frat, including myself, are going to be at

[redacted]. Since we will not be there to guide and wingman you tonight, here

is a quick guide to how you should go about talking to these jewish sorority

girls tonight. This is funny, but also serious. Follow my directions and you

will have a way better greek week than you think possible. We're with these

girls for 5 straight parties so make a good impression and hava nagila hava.

1. HOMETOWN: If from an allowed hometown you are fine. If not, lie and say you

are from an allowed area. Note: DC is a toss up area, as is Vermont.

Areas you can be from: New York, New Jersey, PA (only Philadelphia area, sorry

redacted), Massachussets, Rockville/Bethesda area, Pikesville

Not Allowed Areas: The rest of Maryland (especially rural counties, looking at

you redacted), Baltimore, Atlanta, anywhere in the south, Connecticut

2. MUSIC: House is preferable, rap is fine. 90s rock could work, but it would

be better if you stuck to house. Country is out, as is normal Rock.

3. OVERNIGHT/SLEEPAWAY CAMP: Make up a camp you went to. Say it was in upstate

PA, NY, or Maine. Say it starts with "Timber" or ends in "Lake". You could

also make up an Indian (redskin kind, not the slumdog kind) name. For example,

Lack-a-wa-taka or Saska-Rata.

Say you started when you were ten years old, but stopped going when you were 15

in order to play high school sports. You liked it a lot. You still talk to

your camp friends when you can.

4. ARE YOU JEWISH?

If you are Jewish, say yes. If you look somewhat Jewish but aren't (redacted, redacted, redacted) just say you are. If you are not Jewish and don't look Jewish

(redacted) then say:

a. No I'm half-jewish but didn't get bar mitzvahed of anything. My dad is

jewish.

b. No, but I'm from a really jewish area

5. TOPICS OF CONVERSATION

-How terrible it was that you couldn't eat bread during Passover (note: this is

a week long holiday) last week

-How much fun you had at Ultra (even if you did not go, say you went)

-How excited you are for greek week

-How drunk you got on Tuesday at Barking Dog (say you went)

-How excited you are for Fe to re-open because it is your favorite bar and you

are getting sick of Barking Dog and Cornerstone

-How it's funny that most people think our frat isn't jewish, when we are in

fact 70 percent Jewish and all from the NY/NJ/Boston/Philly area. In fact, both

roommates in your triple are from Long Island!

6. MAJOR

-You are a business major or an econ major or a communication major

-You want to "do something with business, maybe finance" or start your own

business

-Alternative 1 to that: Some science major, but you are going to med school to

be a doctor (why? because both your parents are doctors)

-Alternative 2: You are a crim major and plan on going to law school

7. WHAT TO WEAR

-Jeans are definitely preferable to other pants

-V necks are ideal

-Button downs work too, but try to avoid flannel. Solid colors are a better bet

-T shirts and graphic t shirts with words on them are great

-If you wear a cross on your neck, don't wear it

-Hats are fine, if they are backwards and snapbacked