Dear reader. Kind reader. Gentle reader. I am so sorry to do this to you, but I am about to go off the rails from my normal posts. I adamantly try to avoid politics or anything too controversial on Mind Your Dirt. I usually try to be approachable in order to reach the widest audience. My goals have always been three-fold: to learn/teach, to inspire and to amuse.

Today, I will be abandoning this goal. I’m throwing it all out the window and I hope that you can bear with me and perhaps even, one day, forgive me. Afterwards I will return to our normal programming. And as a sign of good will, I made certain to make the feature image above hilariously entertaining. At least it is to me. The entire time I created it, I was laughing maniacally. I really crack me up. I sooo get me. When this all blows over, I and I should move in together and make out a bunch. Replacing Darth Vader’s head with that of Monsanto’s CEO, Hugh Grant, tickled me tremendously. But nothing cracked me up as much as sticking Piper’s head on Princess Leia. I digress.

That said, I am about to go on a rant the likes of which you have not seen from me. There might even be a curse word or two! I have always been angry with Monsanto and companies of its ilk (like Dow Chemicals), but I saw something recently that really pushed me too far. I’ll explain below what that something is, but first let’s all get acquainted with Monsanto, shall we? I know that by now, you have all heard something about this company. I know that you know about GMOs and pesticides. You’ve formed your opinions already. But if you’re here, or are one of my regular readers (wassup guys), then chances are your opinions and mine are very similar.

I want to go a little deeper than that however. For herein lies well over a century of the purest evil, manipulation and widespread global murder the likes of which is seldom seen.

Like all great stories, it’s best to start in the beginning…

Part One: The Dark Lord Emerges:

The company was founded in 1901 by John Francis Queeny, a member of the Knights of Malta and the original Grumpy Cat. He was a thirty-year pharmaceutical veteran. Below is a photo of Queeny at the age of twelve with his pet kitty, Darth Mittens. The powers of The Dark Side had aged him well beyond his years.

He was married to Olga Mendez Monsanto who footed the bill for his shiny new chemical company and was rewarded for doing so by having the company named after her. Huzzah for Olga!

Monsanto’s first product was a well-known substance called saccharin. An artificial sweetener that has been linked to cancer as well as other health problems. The FDA is very mamby-pampy about the health risks, but there have been studies that conclude its cancer causing properties. Yet, in the 1990s, the National Toxicology Program (NTP) removed saccharin from its list of potential carcinogens.

A report written in 1997 by the Center for the Science in Public Interest (CSPI) replied to its declassification as a carcinogen,

“It would be highly imprudent for the NTP to delist saccharin. Doing so would give the public a false sense of security, remove any incentive for further testing, and result in greater exposure to this probable carcinogen in tens of millions of people, including children (indeed, fetuses). If saccharin is even a weak carcinogen, this unnecessary additive would pose an intolerable risk to the public. Thus, we urge the NTP on the basis of currently available data to conclude that saccharin is ‘reasonably anticipated to be a human carcinogen’ because there is ‘sufficient’ evidence of carcinogenicity in animals (multiple sites in rats and mice) and ‘limited’ or ‘sufficient’ evidence of carcinogenicity in humans (bladder cancer) and not to delist saccharin, at least until a great deal of further research is conducted.”

Personally, I’ve never trusted any sugar substitute and I recommend you avoid all of them until adequate studies have been conducted. For a more in-depth look at the long history of Saccharin, go here. An interesting read. If you’re into that kinda thing.

But let’s get back to Monsanto…

Over the next nineteen years, Queeny is believed (by me alone) to have been recruited by an evil Sith lord (whose name I shall not mention here) in hopes to help hone his rudimentary and single-focused poison production to a more widespread and global death-dealing infrastructure. His training was highly successful. However, the quick and easy path, while sexy, is a bastardization of the true power of the force.

I will attempt to summarize the last 114 years as quickly as my stomach will allow. I also do not wish to see my readers become overly depressed. Buckle up, cuz here we go!

Part Two: A Brief History of Death Dealing

In the 1920s, Monsanto expands into drugs and industrial chemicals becoming the world’s largest maker of aspirin (acetylsalicylic acid). Guess what? Also rather toxic. A fact which the FDA finally owns up to JUST LAST YEAR! Monsanto also introduced another lovely little poison in this era of evil. Polychlorinated biphenyls. Better known as PCB’s. Remember those? You should, because even though they have been banned since the 70’s, they are still present in the blood cells and tissue of every living animal on Earth. Today. 2015. Fifty years of production made certain of that.

The 1930s ushered in the first hybrid seed corn from Monsanto as well as detergents, soaps, cleaning products and synthetic rubbers and plastics. Oh yes, those are all toxic as well.

During the 1940s Monsanto was feeling that it wasn’t being as evil and shitty as it could be. Something was missing. So they began doing research into uranium to be used for The Manhattan Project. We all know how that turned out of course. And while we can spend forever debating whether or not we should’ve ever dropped The Big One, what is not debatable is the destruction that was caused. And what better company to help lend a hand in such carnage?

In the 1950s, Monsanto teams up with The Walt Disney Company (another corporation that turns my stomach, but as they will be suing me for copyright infringement for my loose usage of Star Wars likenesses, I’ll leave that alone) to create attractions for Tomorrow Land and focused on the wonders of chemicals and plastics. The House of the Future was made completely out of toxic plastics that would (according to Monsanto) be completely biodegradable. It wasn’t. In fact ten years later when Disney decided to tear it down wrecking balls bounced off of it, torches just angered the poisons inside, jackhammers proved useless and chainsaws just melted it. They eventually had to choke the house into smaller pieces with massive chains only to be stashed away in some landfill somewhere. Great for the soil and groundwater and I assure you it’s still there today!

The 1960s they got together with DOW Chemical (it keeps getting better) to invent Agent Orange for the war in Vietnam. I won’t go into the effect of that evil sludge because I’m already getting depressed and we’re nowhere near the turn of the century yet. I will say that at least in this instance that they were upfront about their goal of murder and destruction.

The 1970s and 1980s are jam-packed with insane lies and government payoffs involving aspartame. Guess who’s behind that? Yep, Monsanto and their partner G.D. Searle (eventually bought out by Monsanto in the ’80s). They had help from Donald Rumsfield in order to buy off the FDA. With a little assistance from Ronald Reagan of course. Read all about that madness here.

Coke jumps back into play by poisoning the world with aspartame in 1983. When sales do so well, other soft drink companies follow suit. This all morphs into the company NutraSweet. Even though tons of independent scientists have come forward with dire warnings of the toxicity, a quick bribe to the National Cancer Institute from Monsanto silences them. Who cares that there’s formaldehyde in aspartame and known side effects include: rage, mania, violence, blindness, joint-pain, fatigue, irritability, nausea, deafness, memory-loss, rashes, dizziness, headaches, seizures, anxiety, palpitations, fainting, cramps, diarrhea, panic, burning in the mouth.

Or, you can win some diabetes, MS, lupus, epilepsy, Parkinson’s, tumors, miscarriages, infertility, fibromyalgia, infant death, Alzheimer’s, yada yada.

The 1990s Monsanto spends millions to defeat state and federal legislation that keeps companies from dumping dioxins, pesticides and other cancer-causing poisons into the drinking water causing so many diseases and birth defects in surrounding areas.

1994 brings the world Synthetic Bovine Growth Hormone (rBGH) made from a genetically modified form of E. coli bacteria. The resulting diseased pus milk that is chock full of antibiotics and hormones is claimed by Monsanto to not only be safe, but healthy!!

Not many were fooled and some farmers began labeling products as rBGH free. Any farmer who labels thusly are promptly sued by Monsanto claiming it gives them an unfair advantage.

1995 brings us to something you hopefully have been more aware of these days—GMO crops and the god-awful Roundup herbicides. Monsanto is at this time actively pursuing a full global domination control agenda. That’s the stuff of Bond villains and is continuing to this day in countries that have yet to ban their toxic concoctions. Countries like the United States.

Scientifically speaking, there is one tiny cock-blocker in this attempt to control and corner the global food market: pollinators.

Birds, bees and other insects like the monarch butterfly stand in the way because they too can create foods by pollinating other plants. Monsanto doesn’t get paid when this happens and their agenda of full control is hampered. Poor Monsanto.

With pollinators standing in the way of a massively evil and powerful chemical company, who do you think will win? And sure enough, we are currently seeing apocalyptic drops in bee colonies as well as monarch butterflies and other pollinators.

Part Three: What Drove Me Over the Edge:

So. that gets you current yes? Pretty much. I definitely glossed over many years of infamy, but my head is beginning to hurt and my dander is rising beyond my liking. I highly recommend that you do your research into Monsanto before using any of their products or byproducts.

I want to get to the heart of why I’m writing this post on my otherwise light-hearted blog about gardening and organic living. Why am I so extra pissed off right now in other words? I’m mad because while I was searching for sustainable and clever ways for you to live and thrive in this world of toxicity and corporate greed on Mind Your Dirt’s Pinterest page I stumbled upon something so vile that my dander has now become permanently raised.

I found a series of promoted pins from Monsanto. Pins discussing environmental conservation practices. One in particular really fueled my rage. This one in fact (and here come the corporate lawyers):

I want to take a moment here for this image to sink into your brain, dear reader…

Not since the propaganda machine that was the Nazis’ Joseph Goebbels, Reich Minister or Propaganda and Public Enlightenment, has such unmitigated gall been vomited out upon the world as a way to mask true evil.

While, admittedly, there are additional causes for the decline of the monarch butterfly population such as habitat loss in their oyamel fir forests in Mexico as well as climate variations in the otherwise perfect microclimate that these high elevation forests provide while they over-winter.

But this is simply one part of the bigger picture and the other part can be directly attribute to Monsanto and their Roundup ready poisons that blanket the entire central portion of the United States.

After everything I just shared with you, I’m sure you can understand the shifty, soulless, greedy and all around general run-of-the-mill evil irony and duality that this infographic represents. The PR spin doctors at Monsanto have added insult to injury by lecturing us on how we can work to protect that which they have almost single-handedly destroyed.

You see Milkweed is, well, a weed. If you’re in the practice of selling or using deadly herbicides and Roundup-ready crops, not a whole lot of weeds are left to taint your crops of corn, corn and more corn. The ones that remain, as well as the flowers of these GMO crops, are specifically engineered to kill all insects that ingest its pollen. Again, the quick and easy path will always lead to the dark side! So now we are left with gigantic swaths of land devoid of any milkweed throughout our country and replaced with poisons. All across the monarch’s migration path in fact.

The migration of this small insect is indeed a fascinating one and you should read all about it and you can also take steps on your own to help provide landing spots for their journey by creating habitats in your yard. However, let’s not get distracted, instead let us now take a look at a map of the United States showing the increased levels of Roundup used in agriculture.

Huh, you know something, I’m no scientist but I can’t help but see a tiny little pattern emerging here. I wonder what would happen if I overlay these two maps…

Yikes! That seems a wee bit suspicious now doesn’t it? It appears to me that after the monarch’s winter slumber, they’re heading right into the heart of this evil storm.

So let’s sum up shall we? Monsanto dominates the agricultural world by strong arming farmers into repeated (and ever increasing) use of their pesticide laden genetically modified crops, thus causing a large chunk of our country to be saturated in poisons. The use of said pesticides has greatly increased over the last decade around the same time that pollinators have been suffering from massive population losses. And it’s going to get much worse. The effectiveness of said pesticides decreases every time they’re used so each year, you must use more and more.

So Monsanto’s tip in the above infographic? Plant more milkweed. Well, no shit!? What a novel idea! Perhaps you should look into getting your own house in order before vomiting your trite manipulative shit all over my fucking Pinterest feed?!?! What the fuck people? Whoa, easy big fella…

Part Four: In Which I Reclaim My Calm:

“You will know (the good from the bad) when you are calm, at peace. Passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.” – Yoda

Okay, I must focus now… The only way to battle a company as large and powerful as this one, especially when they are actively trying to fool the public and have the money and resources to do so, is to be able to recognize when you are being duped. To be ever vigilant. To educate yourself. To draw your own conclusions based on the evidence before you and not your feelings. Don’t believe everything you read and do your own homework.

If you do, you will also discover what I have; that Monsanto has spent the last 114 years poisoning the world that we are to gift to our children. They have killed, lied, bribed and denied for over a century and now they are showing up in my Pinterest feed sneakily nestled between 10 Ways to Add Nutrients to your Soil and How to Properly Prune a Chinese Elm Bonsai!!

Well, the world of my peers did not stand for it. Not for an instant. The stream of comments are pages and pages long. And not a single one of them is warm or welcoming. I checked. In fact, Mind Your Dirt left a few comments that would curl your toes if you have the patience to scroll up all 336 of them (my computer gets very sluggish trying to navigate all that anger). My patented cool demeanor was cast off like so many prom dresses in cheap hotels. I’m assuming that their PR person was executed and buried in the desert (next to Bill Cosby’s PR guy). I encourage all my readers to head on over and leave a comment or two for yourself! What fun we shall have. Just go here.

Something else that worries me is that currently 13841 people have shared this crap and 3216 people that have actually liked it. I’m hoping that they’ve made a mistake and didn’t read the fine print. Some pinners tend to be ill informed. Maybe they just simply give a shit about butterflies but don’t know the backstory. But the spreading of evil propaganda, no matter the intent, is simply doing more harm.

In this post I may have used a tiny bit of copyright material. That said, I’m not sure how long I can keep this up or in what form it will remain online. I have exactly zero lawyers on retainer and am an easy target for assassins. Or at least I outwardly appear to be (ninja traps, shh). So read it fast and then burn your computer afterwards. Or maybe just burn the whole Interwebs. I don’t know, someone somewhere is gonna be pissed and I’m gonna be penniless. Or wait, I already am. Untouchable!!

Or maybe they’ll not notice this tiny paltry blog at all and I can live safely under the radar. Whatever the outcome is, you have one job and one job only; feel rage. Get thyself angry and shake your fists to the heavens because you’ve been lied to, mutated and murdered. It’s swine like this that run the show; for now. But the only constant in this universe is change. They cannot control and poison the world forever. People like you and me are finally beginning to wake up from the chemically induced nightmare. Social media and The Interwebs can act as a watch dog and an extremely loud and unified voice. There can be no more Watergates with that many eyes. The day of The Weasel is coming to a close! Say that again to give it more power. The day of The Weasel is coming to a close!! So take arms, gentle warrior, and join the rebel alliance! I’ll be standing right there alongside you, blaster ready. *pew pew*

Oh boy, I’m soooooooooooooooo getting sued!

POST SCRIPT:

I hate to leave my readers with such a bleak and dark article without showing some ray of hope at the end. So, you should know that there is a very promising scientist that may be on to an actual and tangible alternative to pesticide use! If you haven’t head of this chap, you need to remedy that immediately.

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