I’m twenty five years old and stopped drinking about two and a half years ago, so whenever I go out I’m, ‘the guy who doesn’t drink.’ I personally don’t really give a shit about not drinking because I never had a 'problem’ with alcohol.

Well, not the, “oh, I just shit my pants for the fourth day in a row, missed my child support, and beat up my wife for the 17th time,” kind of problem that some people have with alcohol.

My problem had more to do with my own personality and brain chemistry. You gotta love those good old anti-depressants that I’ve been munching on for god knows how many years. Yum!

If you read the anti-depressant bottle it says, “May intensify the effect of alcohol.” That’s the understatement of the century.

It should say, “May make you contemplate your miserable existence while simultaneously removing articles of clothing.”

Alcohol did two things to me: it made me depressed and it made me take my shirt off. Maybe I just like taking my shirt off and showing off my chest hair, it’s really hard to tell after a couple of Long Island Iced Teas. Anyway, that’s besides the point.

While everyone around me seemed to be drinking socially and having a good time, I’d have two beers and feel like I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I know for a lot of people, alcohol is fun as hell and allows them to forget about the things that are bothering them for a while. For me, two beers felt like I was giving an elephant an ex-lax and he was shitting every negative thought directly into my brain.

So I stopped drinking.

It was as simple as that for me because I never really liked alcohol to begin with. But when you stop drinking, you don’t necessarily stop going to bars, I go with my friends all the time.

But you do get asked questions.

Inevitably, I’ll be introduced to people I don’t know and the topic of my not drinking will come up. I don’t bring the topic up, but when I order a club soda with lemon (fucking delicious btw) the follow up question is usually, “You’re not drinking tonight?”

“Nah, I don’t drink,” I’ll answer pretty nonchalantly.

People will usually look away for a quick second and I can tell from their facial expressions they’re contemplating whether or not to ask why. And to be honest, I can’t blame them.

I look like I’m a 35 year old man, with sad, weathered eyes, for all they know there could be an incredibly interesting story of how I hit rock bottom after a 5 day black out drunken spree in Tijuana in which a transvestite sodomized me and I was forced to escape from Mexico on one of those horses painted like a zebra.

Eventually, their curiosity gets the best of them and they ask, “Why don’t you drink?”

And I feel weird because my story sucks, it’s not epic or anything. I just tell them, “Well, I never really liked drinking, so I don’t do it anymore.”

They always seem a bit disappointed and I hate to disappoint, so I’ll add, “Drinking kinda brought me down, so I just said, hey, why am I even doing this anymore?”

They seem a little bit more pleased with that answer, but still pretty nonplussed.

I’m always tempted to just be overly dramatic and burst into tears and start yelling, “I’M A SAD SON OF A BITCH AND ALCOHOL MAKES ME SADDER! WAHHHH!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR??!! WAHHH!!! OH GOD, PLEASE SOMEONE HOLD ME!”

But I’m not that much of a dick, I know people really struggle with alcohol and I’m not trying to make fun of them. I’m just a dude who found out early on that drinking wasn’t a good thing for me.

And for those of you who may think, “oh this cunt thinks he’s better than me because he doesn’t drink.” You’re wrong, I don’t give a shit if you’re drinking. I only give a shit if you’re drinking and I give you a ride home and you throw up in my car. Then you’re the cunt.

Also, don’t think I’m one of those people who’s all rosy cheeked and is like, “I don’t need alcohol to have fun! I’m perfect the way I am and I can play Jenga alone and feel great just like Tony the Tiger!”

I’m not a fucking mormon.

If you want to hear it from a sober guy: you’re definitely having more fun than me if we’re out together and you’re drinking. You think I don’t know that? Drinking is without a doubt more fun than not drinking if your brain is designed to drink.

But I just keep it real with myself. There’s always Artichoke Pizza to fill that sorry void inside myself. And there’s no disclaimer on the anti-depressant bottle about too much pizza!