So my trade is food. I work for a small catering outfit run by an older gentleman who has been in the restaurant business since the 70’s. He, for reasons I don’t understand, insists on listening to Magic FM daily. If you’re reading this from outside the Detroit area, Magic FM is one of those stations that plays the same six songs looped all day between commercial breaks. On Halloween, they started to play nothing but Christmas music.

I don’t mind Christmas music, as a rule. I collect it. I make mixes for loved ones at the appropriate time of year. I am even more forgiving of the unoriginal, talentless industrial tools played on this stations when its Christmas music. I just thought you should know this before I tear into this particular subject.

If you don’t know the song Christmas Shoes, familiarize yourself and get back. I’ll wait…

Yeah, I know, its fucking unbearable, right.

If you chose not to click that link, you are a smart person. I bet your friends ask you for advice alot. The song is about a boy, a young, I’m assuming poor boy, who is in a shoe store trying to buy his mom some shoes. What the listener, and narrator don’t know is that this little boy’s mother is on her death bed… Like literally minutes away from death. The boy wants to buy some shoes for her, so that she can look nice for Jesus when she goes to heaven. We find out, as does the narrator, that the boy has nowhere near enough money to buy his mom shoes. So the stranger (the narrator) decides that God sent the little boy to teach him about Christmas, so he pays for the shoes.

Okay.

So I’m trying to figure out why this little boy is at fucking Payless when his mom is taking her last few breaths. I know if it were my mom dying, I would never want her final thought to be “where the fuck is that little brat”. Of course, she doesn’t know that he is spending money on shoes for her, which would be sweet, but it seems the boy just wants her to look hot for Jesus, which… I don’t know what this boy thinks is gonna happen between Jesus and his mom, but I doubt a nice pair of pumps is gonna seal the deal. This child would be much better off letting his mom teach him about money with her last moments.

And then there is the narrator. Take everything I just said and strike it from the record. This fucking guy sees a little boy who’s mom is dying, and his first thought is to make it about him. GOD sent this little boy to teach ME about Christmas. No asshole, this isn’t about you.

Don’t jump in my ass about this. If you disagree, do it silently. I don’t read your shitty blog, because you’re perspective is not one I share. My hatred of the song Christmas Shoes is not up for debate. Its an awful song that I am subjected to several times a day, and I am entitled to high levels of cynicism in its wake.

That is all.

Merry Christmas.