Asian guys often pride ourselves on standing by Asian women, but is that more out of choice or necessity? And if it’s by choice, do we do enough to make them feel that they’re our first choice?

Chris, Filip, and Mark explore their past, present, and future to reflect on the state of relationships between Asian men and women, and where it needs to go.

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The following are edited excerpts from “Guys, Do We Take Asian Women For Granted?”, the 13th episode of Plan A’s podcast, Escape From Plan A.

I think one thing that is really important to talk about and reflect as Asian guys is, think back when we were younger. Who were the first girls in grade school we had crushes on. In high school then college. Who were we trying t pursue and reflect on that. Because I think a lot of Asian guys online like to act like they’re noble warriors defending their ethnicity. But if we’re being honest…

— Chris

Some of the research talks about this large disparity between who Asian men and Asian women date. Asian women date out at a large disproportionate rate. But if you look at the numbers for Asian men and how often they date out as in how they date white women or black women, it’s kind of in line with other male racial groups dating out.

— Filip

I think it was probably in college [when I first started liking Asian women] because that was the first time where there were a ton of people from other races and backgrounds. I started to socialize more in my fraternity and there were just more Asian women around. . . . That might be a little more unique for me because I was [adopted and] raised by a white family.

— Mark

Asian guys aren’t any more naturally woke than Asian women. It’s all about opportunity. Do you have the opportunity to gain access to whiteness? And if you do, chances are you will take it. The big difference between Asian men and women is that the women have more of those opportunities. If I were an Asian woman, sometime in college, I probably would’ve found a white boyfriend and that would’ve been game over. In some ways, Asian guys have that advantage in that that [awakening] moment happens when we’re still young enough to appreciate our differences more. That moment has to happen, and it’s better that it happens in your early 20s than your early 30s. Because as you get older, you have fewer pivots left.

— Chris

The only thing I have to say about [how Asian men should act in a future where we are more desirable], is that we need to learn from the past. For me, the core thing that hurt was seeing all the bashing from Asian women online and in person, of Asian men, where it was almost unsolicited. “I hate them!” and all these bullshit excuses. . . . We can’t repeat those mistakes. We can’t just disparage Asian women as a group. We can’t just have on our dating profiles, “No Asian women. They’re disgusting!”

— Mark

We also shouldn’t repeat the mistakes of white men. In coming into this power of acceptance, we can’t fall into the same traps of misogyny that white men fall into. I know men online hate this term, “toxic masculinity”, but there is this aspect of falling into that because suddenly, you’re appreciated a lot and you take advantage of that.

— Filip