Let’s face it, your blog sucks. Your kids lack charisma, your hot takes are hacky and bland, and your product recommendations betray your depressing, white trash origins.

The good news is that we can fix that! Your blog, I mean, not your life. You’re stuck with that dumpster fire. Dr. Dad’s here to help you get clicks and turn tricks with the five most common mistakes that mommy bloggers make – plus one bonus tip!

Why not just call it tip number six? Because shut up, that’s why. The formula is five things and we have to stick to the formula.

Problem #1: Using Your Child’s Real Name

Never use your child’s real name online ever. Not for any stalkery-type reasons, but just because your child’s real name is boring. Or at least it should be.

Michael. Jonathan. Kristin (for girls). These are solid names that will get your child through life reasonably un-picked on. But Stormundo makes for better copy.

Problem #2: Using Your Child’s Real Pictures

Using Your Own Kid’s Pics, Part One

This is going to be hard to hear: your child isn’t pretty enough for your blog. Of course you think it’s cute – it’s a baby. They’re all cute.

Here’s a science fact from Dr. Dad: the vast majority of babies are not actually cute, or as it is known in the community, True-Cute (note the capitalization). Most babies are, in fact, ugly-cute, or, scientifically, pug-puppy-cute (no capitalization deserved).

Fortunately, there’s a test to see if your baby is cute enough: have people come up and offered to pay you money so that they can use pictures of your baby for their blog? No? Then it’s not True-Cute, sorry.

Case in point.

Using Your Own Kid’s Pics, Part Two

Ok, let’s say enough strangers have offered to take pictures of your baby that you have enough data to conclude that it is objectively True Cute and not pug-puppy cute. So you finally shell out to have some professional pictures done, you use post ‘em all over the blog and then what happens?

Some asshole like me comes along and just drags their image directly from your blog to their desktop, and from desktop to, *gasp*, their blog. Next thing you know, your DL’s face is shilling for the competition, drawing all those sweet, sweet clicks that belong to you.

No, better to be the getter than the gotten. Save your pics for the Family albums in your iPhone camera roll and just go to Flickr like the rest of us mercenaries.

Problem #3: Social Media

You’re doing it all wrong. Get some more of it, and make it better.

Problem #4: Showing the Father

You can tell by his baby that the top half of this guy’s face is going to be bad.

I’ve mentioned this before, but no one wants to see your child’s father. He is not pug-puppy cute, he’s grown-ass-man ugly.

Here’s a way to tell if your man is handsome enough to be in your blog: has a stranger ever come up to him and asked him to be the spokesman for their new line of overcoats? No? Then he’s ugly.

If you absolutely must get him in there somehow (like he’s bitching about how you make it seem like he’s dead or something), then try to just show his hands. No one minds a pair of big strong man-hands, plus they won’t ruin the fantasy.

People reading your blog want to project into your life. The men want to be think that they could be your guy, and they’re too uncreative and easily threatened to ever see another dude’s face.

And women just want to think that they can do better than your ugly-ass man. Seriously, at least get him a haircut or something.

Problem #5: Caring About Your Child More Than Your Blog

Look – what’s going to be there for you in your old age – your child, or your blog? Chances are, your child is going to hate you, or worse, suck off the family teat for life. But your blog will always be there for you, making passive income with every click.

It is the unstated goal of every mommy blogger to create a blog so successful that they can spend most of their days half-drunk and poolside. The writing will be outsourced to a team of overeducated, underpaid goons, and your only duty is to do a couple photoshoots a year just to keep the Insta monster fed. Maybe you make a couple appearances at casinos where you blow on some dice, play in a celebrity poker tournament, and get a little drunk by pool. People come up to you and they’re like, “Aren’t you that famous mommyblogger, Dr. Dad?” and you’re like “Ha ha, you caught me,” and they’re like “Can I buy you some drinks over by the pool?” and you say yes, because drinks are always better by the pool. And because sitting around the pool sober is boring af.

Oh, and your kids! Forgot about them. Well, if the blog makes a bunch of money, they get more money too. It’s called trickle down parenting and it works.

Bonus Problem! Eating Gluten

Let me talk to you as an almost non-medical doctor to a non-patient: we scientists do not know what gluten is, and most likely never will. Anyone that tells you differently is trying to sell you something, most likely something with gluten in it.

All that we know for sure about gluten is that it’s bad. Bad for you , bad for the environment, and bad for your child. So just say no to Celiac. Or wait – Celiacs just say no? If only we knew what gluten was or what it did to the body or the role that it played as a binding agent in baked goods.

Ok, how about this: Just say know to Celiac. See what I did there? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?