Trump: The U.K.?! I thought this was just going to apply to Muslim countries.

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Officer: Nope, that’s not what the statute says. Now, we’re going to consider this a request for an entry visa into the Untied States. We’ll be asking you a few questions to determine whether you are one of those people who “share our values and respect our people.”

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Trump: Oh, fine. Let’s get this over with.

Officer: Just to let you know, “Only those who we expect to flourish in our country — and to embrace a tolerant American society — should be issued immigrant visas.”

Trump: Yes, yes. Go ahead.

Officer: Have you ever been sued in connection with fraud or discrimination?

Trump: Well, a few times.

Officer: Have you ever declined to pay creditors in full, daring them to sue to get their money?

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Trump: I love debt. I love not repaying people even more.

Officer: That’ll be a yes. Now, have you ever referred to women in crude, vulgar and insulting terms? In case you may have forgotten, take a look at the screen:

Trump: Maybe now and then. But women love me!

Officer: That’s a yes also. Have you ever attributed criminal status to a whole ethnic group of immigrants? Attributed foreign status to someone born in the United States? Used anti-Semitic stereotypes or defended anti-Semitic images in reference to Jews?

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Trump: I can’t remember.

Officer: Those would be all yeses. What about insulting POWs or attacking a Gold Star family? That’s not something we like here in the United States.

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Trump: But what about free speech?

Officer: I’m getting to that. Have you barred the media from covering you or threatened to “open up” libel laws to sue journalists? And while we are on the First Amendment, have you questioned others’ religious beliefs?

Trump: I’m getting the sense this isn’t going well. Hey, just because I’m a rotten person you think I shouldn’t be let into the country?

Officer: Some people would say that. Now, what about smearing a political opponent by falsely suggesting his father was involved in a presidential assassination? Very un-American, you know.

Trump: But it was in the National Enquirer!

Officer: Ever mock the disabled?

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Trump: I did not!

Officer: Look at the screen, sir:

Trump: Uh, can I get a lawyer?

Officer: Now, are you familiar with the phrase people should “not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character?”

Trump: Well, it should be by whether they are wealthy.

Officer: (Shakes head)

Trump: Not a good answer, huh?

Officer: Not good. Ever exaggerate your wealth or falsely claim that you made charitable donations? All that’s not the American way.

Trump: It was a long time ago.

Officer. More yeses. Now a few constitutional questions. How many articles in the Constitution? Does the president have the power to order the military to commit war crimes? Do judges sign bills?

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Trump: I’m feeling a bit faint.