Twisted Obsession (1989)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum has a series of ill-advised liaisons in this deeply unerotic thriller.

Goldblum presence: 10/10

As if being in every scene weren’t enough, he also supplies an unwieldy narration.

Goldblum hotness: 3/10

Points deducted for terrible hair, casual ableism, dubious consent, and unfortunately prolific use of the word “suck” in a sexual context.

Goldbluminess: 8/10

There are apparently no pianos in Paris, but at least he’s a full foot taller than everyone else in this film.