A groundbreaking study has revealed a conclusive link between cutting the number of police officers and bastards stealing stuff.

According to Dr Nathaniel Swipe of the University of Canvey Island, criminals have realised that they have a better chance of getting away with stealing things if their nearest police officer is four miles away responding to a call out about a foreigner looking at someone a bit funny.

He said, ‘With every cut to the overall British policing budget, the government are basically saying, ‘Yeah go ahead and break into Doreen’s shed mate – Black and Decker, Flymo, the choice is yours.’

‘Naturally when the Old Bill actually arrives they can get an earful from the public for taking so long because they haven’t got anything better to do.’

‘I also asked 1000 criminals if there was a higher chance that they would commit crime if they knew that getting caught was less likely, and a large proportion of them said ‘yes.’

‘As an added bonus, some prick with a smartphone can spot three police cars parked up at Costa at the same time and sell the photo to The Sun.’

‘Obviously that’s what is to blame for soaring crime rates – a synchronised coffee break.’

We asked Dr Swipe if there is any link between this phenomenon and a lack of trained nurses across the NHS coming from overseas.

He said, ‘At the moment we’re not sure.’

‘We are exploring the possibility that Britain becoming a haven for xenophobic knuckle-draggers might deter highly-qualified medical personnel from coming over.’

‘Naturally this all just speculation at the moment.’