So I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but I was caught up in the control room for the past week. Anway, RIP Mini-Me. Maaaan life is so short. I was really upset when I heard the news. A couple of days ago a discussion brewed on radio where I, the resident expert on dwarfism, was called into the radio room to talk about who the new face of dwarves globally should be since mini me is no more. Dave and KFC thought it should be Peter Dinklage. Preposterous if you ask me, but I was hungry at the time so I didn’t really fight it. This got me thinking who should replace Mini-Me as the face of dwarfism, so I decided to do the first ever Midget Power Rankings in the history of Midgets. So without further ado:

For those that maybe unfamiliar, I’m a huge porn guy. My brother accidentally left one of his VHS tapes in the machine when I was 7 years old and since then I’ve been hooked. Later on in life though both my parents are doctors, porn literally put me through high school. I had this intricate business operation where my brother would torrent porn here in America (since we still only had dial up at home), send a pouch full of DVD’s with whoever is flying back to Zimbabwe at that time. Once I got them, I would burn a shit ton of copies and sell them to the dudes at my all boys boarding school. As far as business plans go, this is a mortal lock.

Being a big porn guy I had to give the face of midget porn Jemma Suicide, a shout out. I love this girl. She’s hands down my favorite porn star (sorry Victoria June). When people talk about looking like a snack, this is what they are eluding to:

The nasty things I’ve done to her in my bathroom. This girl was literally made for me. For the first time ever in my life I would actually be able to kiss and……… nevermind.

4.) Tony Cox

This is the dude from Me Myself & Irene and Bad Santa. He’s pretty much the go-to black midget in Hollywood. Of all the movies he has been in, Bad Santa is probably the biggest movie. My only beef with this dude is he typically plays the whole short-man syndrome character. The dude that jumps on tables and just screams at people. You know what I mean right? The typical midget shit. Sad to see! Apart from that when he isn’t being dressed in every costume known to man, he’s actually a swaggy dude. I mean look at this fun-sized toblerone:

3.) Mani Love

For the record the next person to tag me in this video asking if its me, is probably gonna get a lightning strike sent their way:

I’m not athletic at all. Last time I ran 100 yards I clocked a swift 28.71 sec. I can barely jump higher than Nate’s knees, and that motherfucker is barely taller than I am. So being compared to a guy that moves side-to-side as gracefully as a Dikembe Mutombo finger wag, then realizing I’m just a fat megamind-looking slob, is a really tough look. Anyway this dude is a baller and him going re-viral every 2 months, helps him land in the number 3 slot.

2.) Peter Dinklage

In the words of our very own Uncle Chaps, “the haters are gonna be so mad when they see this.” Dinklage comes in at 2 and I stand by my choice which will probably send all the Game Of Thrones hardos into a frenzy. Listen, unless you’re part of the cult no one actually gives a flying fuck about Game Of Thrones. Yes I know it’s the biggest show on TV in America right now but this shit doesn’t travel well. You think this guy that lives 2 trees down the road from me, can’t speak English, can relate to American pop culture?

Newsflash, there’s more of these type of guys than there is Game of Thrones hardos. Its simple math. But I guess people that aren’t on mainland America don’t count.

1.) Wee-Man

People underestimate the impact Jackass had across the globe. Funny crosses cultural boundaries. Funny knows no language. You don’t need to be able to speak English to find someone trying to light a firecracker from his butthole, funny. I mean even the Chinese love that shit (a billion people can’t be wrong, no offense, just simple math). Anyone that thinks otherwise is a moron.

Honorable mentions: Hornswaggle, Warwick Davis, Whiskey Naps, Beetle juice……… No No No, not today.

Anyway, that’s it for the first edition of the midget power rankings. To all the haters, life doesn’t end at the Brooklyn Bridge. If you knew anything about life beyond the Brooklyn Bridge, you’d know I’m right and youre wrong. That’s pretty much the nuts and bolts of it.

Editor’s Note: Za not making himself #1 is the most outrageous think I’ve seen in a while. These new Barstool guys are too humble man. With the backing of Team Portnoy, Za is hands down the most powerful and influential little person on the planet right now.