ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to make do with centuries-old firearms. “The students here really deserve better than a bunch of muzzle-loaded long guns that haven’t been relevant since the early 1800s,” said Hyde, expressing frustration that the school expected him to get by with a couple rusted flintlock pistols and a single Charleville musket that barely worked anymore. “I can’t tell you what a pain in the ass it is to have to pour the black powder charge down the barrel, put the lead ball into the muzzle, and then grab finer powder from my powder horn every time I want to take down an armed intruder, but I’m just trying to work with what I’ve got here. There were rumors last year that we were finally going to get a gatling gun, but it ended up going to some wealthy school district in Columbus.” Hyde added that he was in such desperate need for more modern supplies that he had considered asking students to bring in firearms from home.

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