There was outrage on Teh Internets last night as it was revealed that Mesut Ozil is not on a life-support machine.

The German missed Arsenal’s game against Newcastle through illness and returned to Germany ahead of the international break. Reports suggested that far from being unconscious and on death’s door, he was, in fact, in a Berlin nightclub on Saturday night.

This has led to criticism from certain pundits who are genuinely concerned that Arsenal might have not invested their money wisely enough and certainly aren’t just spouting shite to get themselves noticed.

“I am so cross I could give a wedgie to a 10 year old”, said Hadrian Cumbria of the Filth Bugle and SportTWAT radio.

“When an Arsenal player can’t play because of illness I don’t want to hear about him possibly being in a nightclub even though there were no pictures of him or anything and nobody’s suggesting he was doing a Gazza by ingesting a dozen yards of ale through a hollowed out bazooka.

“If he’s ill, I want him bed-ridden. I want tubes, machines, nurses, round the clock care. I want bleeding from every orifice, projectile vomit, paralysis in at least 50% of the limbs, swelling to glands and gonads, sudden blindness and a tongue the size of a whale’s cock.

“Anything less and I expect him out on the pitch and for him to run around a bit. He doesn’t get paid £140,000 a week for nothing. I mean, I once called in sick because I had the squirts but that’s different, I’m not a poncey overpaid millionaire footballer.

“If I got paid that much I’d play through the pain. Where’s the commitment?”

Newspapers have reported the story with vague implications that Arsenal are possibly, but not definitely, annoyed – but not enough that they might actually do anything about it other than possibly, but not definitely, talk to the player about it. Perhaps. Maybe.

It’s the latest behavioural scandal to hit the club after Wojciech Szczesny and Jack Wilshere were caught smoking, while Santi Cazorla was interviewed by the Metropolitan Police last week as it was believed he was the head of a crime gang planning on stealing the Shard.

He was later released without charge.