THE road was made for cars.

It’s a road that’s slowly being shrunk and chopped up so bike lanes and Lycra-friendly nooks can be carved into parking spaces across the city.

As a motorist I don’t mind sharing the road. With other cars.

But cyclists often take things too far, and I’m not just talking about their leg grooming habits.

Some of the things they do on the road simply drive me mad. So here they are.

MORE: 14 reasons we loathe cyclists

1. WHEN YOU TAKE UP A QUARTER OF A LANE YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE UP THE WHOLE LANE

Cycling 30cm from the gutter means the cyclist is being responsible and allowing cars to use the whole lane, right?

WRONG.

To prevent killing someone, sensible motorists leave at least 1m between their car and the bike, meaning that an incursion on the next lane is necessary.

The car is going at least 60km/h; the bike is doing 35km/h, absolute tops.

The motorist is faced with getting stuck behind the bike or choosing the right time to daringly swerve into the adjacent lane to get around the cyclist and keep traffic moving.

If you take up a quarter of the lane, you’re taking up the lane per se.

media_camera When a cyclist takes up a quarter of a lane, they might as well take up the whole lane.

2. DON’T TOUCH MY CAR

Everybody’s stopped at the lights and the cyclist realises that two wheels don’t stand up on their own.

Thankfully my car is there to lean on! No need to ask, just lean on the car and smudge up that duco.

What would happen if a pedestrian leaned against a bike at the lights? The cyclist would tell them to get f***ed and stop touching their expensive bike.

Well, get f***ed and stop touching my expensive car.

But try telling that to a cyclist. They squirt you with their $60 water bottle and hit the bonnet with an open palm.

There’s no recourse for the motorist, since even the slightest nudge from a real vehicle can kill somebody on a 20kg metal frame wearing almost nothing.

media_camera You reckon you’re Cadel Evans. Well you’re not.

3. YOU CAN SEE ME INDICATING SO WHY PULL UP NEXT TO ME?

I intend to turn left at the lights and the cyclist intends to go straight ahead.

So why pull up on my left side where I can’t see you, then get all upset when I nearly run you over?

The cyclist knows they can’t pull away from the lights in time. They just expect everyone to wait for them.

Please wait behind my car. But don’t touch it.

media_camera When cyclists want to go straight ahead and cars want to turn.

4. YOU WANT ROAD? OBEY ROAD LAWS

Motorists pay through the nose for annual registration and are subjected to all sorts of increasingly absurd measures to keep an eye on our speed and behaviour, including a new super camera than can spot a numberplate from 700m away.

All cyclists have to do is wear a helmet, and often not even that is adhered to.

And red lights? Nah, don’t worry about those red lights. Just have a gander around and mosey on through.

What’s the worst that can happen? A red light camera will log the rego plate? No rego plate! Ha ha.

Outrage.

If I took the same blade attitude to intersections, I’d be in front of a magistrate faster than Silvio Berlusconi at schoolies.

If you want to be on the road, obey the law. And a bike registration system isn’t a bad idea either.

media_camera Obey laws or get off road.

5. YOU GO SLOWER THAN CARS SO DON’T PRETEND YOU’RE A CAR

I’m turning out of a side street, patiently waiting until the traffic is clear.

Finally I get my chance. But wait. There’s a lone cyclist pedalling at 15km/h about 20m up the road.

Should I pull out? Maybe I’ll hit them. But, they’re going very slowly, I guess ... Well, now it’s too late.

My traffic window has been ruined and now I face another wait.

You’re slow, so don’t pretend you’re a car.

And you’re not Cadel Evans either.

Do cyclists drive you mad? Leave your comments at the end of the article.

NEXT TIME: HOW MOTORISTS THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD

Originally published as Motorist: Why cyclists drive me mad