LUNCH: Chili’s

Tableside guacamole; half rack Dr Pepper ribs with smoked potatoes; sirloin with grilled avocado; fries; Miller Lite

Calories consumed: 2,046

Everyone talks a big game about how much they love Chili’s, but when you ask them to go with you for lunch in Jersey City on a Monday, suddenly they’re all sooooooo busy. I invite my friend from Applebee’s, who declines, “Sorry, I treat my stomach like an unrelated minor: It’s a worse crime to abuse it after crossing state lines.” One friend has to work, but suggests I try a variety of complicated orders that each deliver over 5,000 calories. I email a pal who lives in Hoboken to see if she’ll come meet me. She writes back, “I’d love to, but I moved to the city yesterday!” I suspect she’s lying.

So that’s how I find myself ordering tableside guacamole, a steak, a half rack of Dr Pepper ribs, and a side of fries for one. “Is that all?” the waitress says, without a hint of sarcasm.

I brought a book in anticipation of dining alone, but this is America, and lest I question the life choices that have delivered me here or feel bored for even a minute, Chili’s has furnished my table with a tablet from which I can order drinks and desserts or, for a 99-cent fee, play games. I opt for trivia because, duh, put my name in as “Fatty,” and start killing it on clues like “Iconic style setter of Rebel Without a Cause” and “His final role was Plutarch Heavensbee in Mockingjay Parts 1 and 2.” After I answer that one correctly, the screen pops an interstitial: “Fun Fact: Hoffman passed away February 2, 2014.” So much fun!

My guacamole arrives, and while the waitress assembles it, dumping pre-chopped ingredients into the mashed avocados, I ask if it is different from the regular guacamole.

“Yeah, we make this one at the table.”

“But are the ingredients different?”

“Well, this one is made with avocados. The other is just guacamole.”

I have so many follow-up questions, but she is nervously eyeballing the women next to me who have been vocally confused by their tabletop tablet. “Okay, thanks,” I say. “That makes sense.”

She was not lying, though: This guacamole has definitely been made with avocados, and was it really only Friday that I last ate an uncooked fruit or vegetable? Food from the earth is divine. For that matter, so are ribs basted in Dr Pepper. I get that this is a thing Texas pitmasters have been doing for forever and hipster chefs have been doing for a shorter but still long time and probably your dad at some point in the last two years was like, “You’ll never believe how I ate these crazy delicious ribs and there was Dr Pepper involved.” And fine, these are stringier and more syrupy than what you get from any of those people. Still, shouts to Chili’s for getting Dr Pepper ribs onto its menu and onto my table; I house the half rack, easy.

This sirloin with grilled avocado is another story. It’s topped with a cilantro sauce I am heavy into, but the actual steak is gristly and only getting tougher as it cools (I keep getting distracted by trivia). At first, I’m excited by the salad, but it’s coated in some type of slimy dressing that renders it worthless to me.

Smoked turns out to be the operative word with the potato wedges; I’m fairly certain these were cooked in the pocket of someone’s polar fleece as she sang folk songs next to a campfire. The fries are fries, which is to say I eat them happily, until I check my watch and realize my next feeding is fast approaching and I better save some room.