Basking in the glory of their inspirational performance in the recently held Delhi Assembly polls, AAP leaders Arvind Kejriwal and Yogendra Yadav decided to put aside the decision of government formation for the time being and chill out on the sets of Koffee With Karan. How did their rendezvous with ace director Karan Johar go? The UnReal times correspondent Rajniti Sarkarwala brings you an exclusive transcript:

Karan: Hello and welcome to another episode of Koffee With Karan.

My first guest tonight, is a… how does one even pronounce this word, yaa…psephologist? Did I get it right? Hahahaha! (giggles) A social scientist and now, a full-fledged politician and a key member of the Aam Aadmi Party. Ladies and gentlemen, a very warm welcome to Professor Yogendra Yadav!

Prof. Yadav (with folded hands): Namaste, Karan! It is a pleasure to be …

Karan (interrupts him with a bear hug and pecks him on his bearded cheek for good measure): Thank you so much for making it to Koffee with Karan, Prof. Yadav.

Prof. Yadav (a bit red in his face): You are most welcome, dear Karan.

Both of them take their seats.

Karan: Alright, Prof. Yadav! Please tell us about your sexy beard. How did that come about? You are also taken by the stubble fad, haan? (tilts his head and winks)

Prof Yadav: It was from an internal survey, dear Karan, which I carried out in my party to determine whether I should go with a beard, and a resounding majority – close to 99% of them – said that I should grow a beard. One person, namely myself, did not vote because I am no judge of how I should look. Here is the raw data pertaining to the survey (hands Karan a file)

Karan (reluctantly accepts the file and pretends to read it): Er..Wow! Impressive…er…very interesting!

Prof. Yadav: Since we at AAP always believe in striving to uphold the interests of the party and the people, I grew a beard, dear Karan.

Karan (decides he’s had it and feigns a wide smile): Alright, on that note, it’s time for me to invite our second guest – a former IRS officer, an anti-corruption activist and now a politician who still likes to be called as an aam aadmi, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Arvind Kejriwal!

Arvind Kejriwal walks in, but surprisingly turns away from Karan, picks up the TV remote, switches on the TV and switches channels until he finds news footage of Anna Hazare calling off his fast. Arvind removing his slippers, kneels on the ground, touches Anna’s feet on the TV screen, mumbles a prayer and then walks back towards Karan.

Arvind Kejriwal: Sorry about that, Karan.

Karan Johar (hugs Kejriwal): No problem, darling! A pleasure to have you on this show!

The guests settle in the couches.

Karan Johar: Right, so Arvind, there are lot of rumours of a rift between Anna and you. What do you feel?

Arvind Kejriwal: There’s nothing like that. Annaji will always be our guide. It’s a pity that he is being misled.

Karan Johar: Let’s take a look at what your party persons say about this:

The three turn towards the in-studio screen, which comes alive with a clip of Prashant Bhushan.

Prashant Bhushan: Yes, there is a big rift between Anna Hazare and Arvind Kejriwal and the gap is sadly widening.

Arvind Kejriwal (covers his face with his palms): Abe yaar, this is his personal opinion and not the party’s. (Turns to Prof Yadav) He’s becoming the Digvijaya of our party!

Karan Johar (giggles): Hahahahaha!

Next Kumar Vishwas comes on the screen.

Dr. Kumar Vishwas: Is sammelan mein main yehi kahoonga… [In this conference, I would like to say this..]

Angrezon ne chalayai apni manmani [The British did as they pleased...]

(Kejriwal and Yadav say “Wah wah”)

Alag kiya Punjab aur Sind [...Seperated Punjab and Sind]

Congress Bhajpa na duhra sakenge woh kahani [Congress and BJP will not be able to repeat that...]

Sada saath rahenga Anna aur Arvind! [...Anna and Arvind will remain forever together]

(All of them say “Wah wah” in unison. Elsewhere, Baba Seghal and Anu Malik promptly begin to follow Dr.Kumar Vishwas on Twitter.)

Karan Johar: Alright, it’s time for a rapid fire round. Prof. Yadav, we begin with you! Are you ready?

Prof. Yadav: Sure, dear Karan.

Karan Johar (reads from his tablet): The sexier politician – Shazia Ilmi or Priyanka Gandhi?

Prof. Yadav: Dear Karan, what are the criteria under which the sexiness is being assessed? Without having the raw data, I cannot judge them for myself, can I?

Karan Johar: Um…okay (returns to his tablet) If you woke up as Sonia Gandhi or Rajnath Singh one day, what would you do?

Prof Yadav: Karan, our party has refused to have anything in common with the Congress or the BJP. So I would never wake up as either of them. Even if I did, I would apologize to the people and go back to sleep until I wake up as myself.

Karan Johar: Oh dear…okay. Let’s move on. At gunpoint, if you were forced to have a gay encounter with someone, who would you pick?

Prof. Yadav: Dear Karan, having a gay encounter is illegal under Section 377 and I wouldn’t go against…

Karan Johar: Aaargh, alright! That brings us to the end of Yogendra Yadav’s rapid fire round and Prof. Yadav, that was a 4 on 10 performance. Let’s see how well Arvind Kejriwal does. Are you ready, Arvind?

Arvind Kejriwal: Sure!

Karan Johar: Alright, here goes! Rank the following people – Rahul Gandhi, Narendra Modi, Anna Hazare, Sonia Gandhi, Tauqeer Raza.

Arvind Kejriwal: Anna Hazare, Tauqeer Raza, Rahul Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, Narendra Modi.

Karan Johar (smiles): Okayyyyy… if you had to choose between the sarkari Lokpal bill, that you call the Jokepal bill or forming the government in New Delhi, what would you rather accept?

Arvind Kejriwal: Jokepal bill.

Karan Johar (laughs): At gunpoint, if you were forced to have a gay encounter with someone, who would you pick?

Arvind Kejriwal: I have to ask the people who they want to see me in a gay encounter with. I will send 25 lakh letters to people asking for their opinion. They can even SMS me!

Karan Johar (looks a bit bewildered): Hmm. Alright, that was a very tightly contested round and Arvind answered as well as Prof Yadav. Therefore… (pauses for dramatic effect) …you both win this hamper! Congratulations!

Arvind Kejriwal: Thank you, Karan, but we do not want the hamper. We cannot accept the hamper until we score a majority of the points.

Karan Johar (flabbergasted): What?! But you guys are my guests on the show! And it’s I who get to decide who the winner is!

Yogendra Yadav: Dear Karan, we did not participate in this show in order to win the hamper. We were really bored, we just wanted to have a good time and we achieved that, thanks to your generosity. We will not accept the hamper, we only played this game for timepass and we have no idea what to do with hamper if you give it to us. So you can keep it yourself, dear Karan.

Karan Johar: Come on, nothing doing yaa! You’re gonna accept the hamper!

Arvind Kejriwal: Offo, okay hold on… (takes out his laptop and begins to type furiously)

Karan Johar: What are you doing?

Arvind Kejriwal: I’m posting a poll, asking people whether we should accept the hamper or not. Yogi will then analyze the results.

Karan Johar slaps his forehead and collapses in a heap. Arvind sees this, and immediately posts another poll asking his fans if he should call for an ambulance or not. Fade out.