

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA –

Olympians celebrating the end of the 2018 Winter Games had a little bit of a ceremony hangover after their final night in Pyeongchang.

Partying in a wild orgy of drinking, cavorting and general mayhem, athletes from around the globe left an Olympic village strewn with beer cups, cigarette butts, and used condoms, prompting the International Olympic Committee to invoke a rarely-used penalty clause in the Winter Games lease agreement.

The agreement, which the athletes signed when they arrived, allows the IOC to confiscate the athletes’ damage deposit and charge cleaning fees for “failure to return the Olympic premises to its original state.”

Not Mincing Words

This was not the first run in with the campus authority for the Olympians, and the Committee was in no mood to overlook their youthful exhuberance.

In a statement to representatives of the athletes who were recovering in their tents, the Head Dean of the Olympic Committee, Verner Von Wermer said:

“Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there’s a rule against alcoholic beverages in Olympic Villages on probation. You’re out! Finished! I want you off this Olympic campus at nine o’clock Monday morning, and I’ve contacted your local draft boards and told them that you are all, all eligible for military service.”

Totally Bogus

In response to the harsh action taken by the Dean, snowboarder and gold medal winner Shaun White held a press conference and gave the athletes’ response:

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties — we did. But you can’t hold a whole Olympic Village responsible for the behavior of a few, sick perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole Olympic system? And if the whole Olympic system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our athletic institutions in general? I put it to you: isn’t this an indictment of our entire global society? Well, you can do what you you want to us, Dean Von Wermer, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the united athletes of the Olympic Winter Games. Gentlemen!

And with that, Mr. White exited the press conference followed by Jessica Diggens, Red Gerard, Dorfman, Neidermeyer, and John Blutarsky.



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