Another year, another round of April Fools’ jokes (here’s looking at you, Google.) If you’ve learned to be skeptical every April 1 — after being tricked one too many times — welcome to the club. We scoured social media for the most outlandish product launches and services today, and would you believe it, we found everything from bubble tea bread and laksa soya milk to fish skin mala condoms and weight loss meals that are so skimpy, they’re practically non-existent.

Take a look below for a giggle fest.

Bubble milk tea white bread from Sunshine Bakeries

Sunshine Bakeries knows we’re all obsessed with bubble tea. That’s why it’s experimenting with tapioca pearl-studded milk tea white bread, a new flavor that’s apparently high in calcium, iron, and vitamins. The best part? You can even choose your sugar level. Zero percent, please.

Fish skin Durex condom with mala hot pot flavor

It’s not sexy to have fishy-smelling private bits, neither is it a turn-on to numb your nether regions. So yeah, sorry Durex, that’s a hard pass from us.

Ikura sakura shrimp milk tea at Sushi Tei

Bubble tea made with “freshly blended sakura shrimp” at Sushi Tei? It’s vomit-inducing enough for us to cast a doubtful eye on it, so we’re pretty sure this one’s a joke. Shrimp and milk tea are two things that should not go together, much less in a concoction with ohba leaves, butterfly pea extract, and ikura pearls. We’re big fans of boba, but not like this, no.

Jet blade deliveries by foodpanda

No more grumbling about foodpanda‘s slow delivery times, ’cause the company is rolling out jet blades as its new mode of delivery. Hungry for chicken rice? You can get it at your doorstep in less than 15 minutes, thanks to this mind-boggling method, which purportedly makes use of the island’s 8,000km network of connected waterways to speed your food to you. Before bidding goodbye to traffic jams, the brand even made 300 riders go through a 30-hour training programme armed with watertight bags to keep the food safe.

But hey, even though foodpanda admitted the joke today, it’s still offering one personal jet blade session (worth $198) with Ola Beach Club on Sentosa. To win, enter “fpjetblade” into the voucher code box between now and Apr 5 when you order a delivery on foodpanda. And that’s no joke.

NutriSoy’s laksa soya milk

Now you can savor all the bountiful flavors of laksa without the calories from its noodles, prawns, or fishcakes. NutriSoy‘s laksa fresh soya milk apparently gives you four times more calcium than your usual bowl, with more spice than any kind of milk should ever have.

Pizza crust ban on Deliveroo

Pizza crust haters, gather round. The obnoxious extra hunk of crust has been axed on Deliveroo, which offers options to remove the bits of dough that no one eats, thanks to “overwhelming anti-crust feedback from customers”.

The crust cull is a welcome one, a result of angry diners mostly in London, Paris, and Singapore demanding action likely as a side effect of their parents slicing the crusts off sandwiches for them as kids. No complaints here though — because who needs those sauceless chunks of carbs anyway? Absolutely pointless, the lot of them.

Slimbox by Grain

So your resolution this year was to get rid of your muffin top? Perhaps the new Slimbox by Grain can help. Touted as a “revolutionary meal” to make weight loss easy by balancing nutrition, calorie counting and, er, satisfaction, the carefully curated box of culinary wonders is totally on-brand for minimalists. It’s a time-saver, too. One bite, tops.

MAYBE? IUIGA’s diamond ring launch and giveaway

We’re still up in the air on this one. A sparkling $25k diamond ring giveaway by a lifestyle company that brands itself as a platform where customers can purchase products direct from brand manufacturers at rather low prices? That boggles the mind. In comparison, its last giveaway was a set of ceramic zirconia knives and peeler worth just $24.90.

But then again, would IUIGA want to court controversy (and open another Pandora’s Box of irate netizens) with a marketing stunt just for April Fools’? Guess we’ll find out soon enough. And if it’s true, we’d totally say yes to affordable diamond rings.

Grove: Coconuts Brand Studio

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