"Any thoughts I might have about raising children are inadmissible. I am not a mother ergo I do not get to have an opinion on motherhood."

I am childless and unmarried. Although I prefer to say, I am a barren spinster because I think it sounds funny. And I'd rather laugh about it than be the object of people's pity. It's not a pitiful state. Honestly. The world needs a few barren spinsters for balance.

There's no shortage of articles by women espousing motherhood as the greatest thing that ever happened to them. And I'm sure it is. No doubt ladies. Fist bump. Right on. Occasionally you also hear about women who made the conscious decision not to have children. Kudos to them for knowing what they did and didn't want. And of course, sadly, there are also women who desperately wanted children but weren't able to have them. But I don't fit into any of those categories. For me, it just didn't happen. I simply never met the right person and it wasn't something I wanted to do on my own. Sometimes it's just the luck of the draw.

If I regret one thing about not having children, it's the fact that, apparently, it precludes me from having an opinion on parenting. Any thoughts I might have about raising children are inadmissible. I am not a mother ergo I do not get to have an opinion on motherhood. Which is curious because I get a lot of opinions about my standup from people who have never done standup. Professional athletes endure endless opinions on where they went wrong from faddarsed fans who have never played sport in their lives. And people who have never owned a dog are always first in line with advice on how to stop your dog barking.

My point is, unless parents are willing to shut up about everything they've never done, then I think it's time childless people were allowed to offer an opinion on modern-day parenting. Cos I have got a lot of opinions. First up, there is wayyyy too much talking. I really miss that classic 1970s, one answer fits all, parental shutdown: "Because I said so." Let's bring it back. Why? Because I said so.


I recently watched my friend and her husband spend almost an hour trying to persuade their three-year-old to take her medicine. They calmly explained the benefits of penicillin and how she would feel much better if she took it. Maybe they told her the story of Alexander Fleming and his accidental discovery of this amazing "feel better juice". I don't know because I tuned them out after five minutes, as did their three-year-old. All I heard was, "Blah blah blah, mummy and daddy really want you to get better, blah blah blah" from one side and, "No. No. No. Don't want to. No. No. No." from the other.

So annoying. Firstly because I knew the penicillin parley was only the beginning. Up next we would go through the excruciating bedtime routine. I'm sure you've seen this one, it's where the parents take it in turn to go into the bedroom and try and coax their little one to stay in bed and go to sleep. They read story after story, they lie down next to the child, they stroke hair and painstakingly explain why sleeping is a "good thing". Finally they return to their dinner guests only to sigh at their partner: "Sorry darling, she wants you." Tag. And so it goes on. I think the technique is they eventually bore the child to sleep.

Mostly, however, what annoyed me about this medicine fiasco was that I could have helped. I may not be a mother but I can pill a cat like nobody's business and shoot antibiotics down a dog's throat faster than you can say "lookout he's gon biteya!"

I'm not saying I was going to prise the child's jaws open, squirt the stuff down her neck and clamp her mouth shut until she swallowed …although really, would that have been SO wrong? The child had a serious chest infection. Surely, in this case, the end justifies the means.

Parenting is exhausting. To do and, especially, to watch. My own mother clearly knew how tiring motherhood was which is why she never wasted an hour of her precious time explaining the benefits of modern medicine to a three-year-old. Which is why when she said no, she meant no. Not, "oh hang on, why don't we debate the issue for half an hour."

I should be allowed an opinion because I do have experience. I've not been a mother but I have been a child, I have been parented. And my parents obviously knew what they were doing, I mean look at me, I'm a delightful human being. And talk about selfless! I'm doing the world a favour simply by not being a parent. Cos no doubt I'd have been just as tedious as the rest of them. That's right, my barren spinsterhood has spared you all and you are welcome.

PS: I look forward to your opinions on this article … provided, of course, that you have, at some stage, given birth to an 850-word article yourself.