Much like Marx and Mao, Socialist Sanders wants to take away the inalienable of right of a white woman to demand a manager during a retail emergency.

I’m a white gal who loves God and Country. So, you can imagine, I’m used to having my views spat on by the Cultural Marxists who run everything today.

Despite all the identity politics those people are shoving down our throats, we still live in a society. And in American society, women of class have the right to speak to someone of a similar background, like a manager, in case of an emergency.

Hardcore radical Bernie Sanders doesn’t agree. He doesn’t want me to protect my family and my neighborhood! He doesn’t want me to speak up about the injustices I see out there in our malls and restaurants every single day! And this man has somehow been allowed to run for the same office that President Donald J. Trump holds! Shameful!

Let me tell you, I’ve been speaking to America’s first manager (Jesus) about that!

I don’t want a parade for doing what’s right. I see myself as working alongside law enforcement to keep that last thread of human civilization from snapping. Women like me are the steely-eyed guardians of our most important WalMarts and Cracker Barrels, our beloved Lululemons and Krogers. You might not know it, but these places are chock full of leftists, surly minimum wage ruffians from the wrong side of the tracks who are clearly jealous of the blessings of people like me.

Socialist Sanders wants this working-class rabble to have an equal voice, one that doesn’t shut up when I’m speaking! He wants to give them a seat at the table, the beautiful mahogany table that I inherited from my grandmother and that is, like my Southern heritage, a personal birthright! These communists want to hand out free college educations so the riff raff can think they’re better than us! They’re plotting to give away health insurance and houses to the masses just like they’re normal people!

“I’m yelling for the bourgeoisie!”

That’s one thing I love about President Donald J. Trump. He’s the ultimate manager who listens to gals like me. I can see it in his eyes. He’s going to fix my problem personally and maybe send out a free dessert (tax breaks!). I just know someone’s getting fired after my complaints (immigrants? liberal college professors? McDonalds cashiers who dye their hair green? you name it!).

So the next time you see a hero like me dressing down a waitress for putting too much parsley on her plate, remember we’re doing this for you! We’re on the frontlines keeping America free of socialized healthcare and economic equality! We’re holding our working classes accountable for surly attitudes and hundreds of thousands in student debt! We’re fighting for your rights to “service with a smile” and the crushing servitude of the proletariat!

No, no need to throw me a parade. Mortgage relief for a vacation condo and a “Thank you for your service,” will suffice.