“We’re one step closer to getting Trump out of the White House and sending him home to New York City — oh. Quick! Quick! Somebody lock the Lincoln Tunnel and turn out the lights. Everybody on the floor. We’re not home!” — STEPHEN COLBERT



“Now, before you get too excited, please remember that this is just a vote to define the rules for the process of impeachment, all right? They still have to vote on impeachment. Then they vote on the rules for the impeachment trial. Then they vote on whether or not to convict. Yeah, by the time this is over, the Democrats are going to march into the White House, like, ‘Mr. Trump? Wait, where’s Trump? What happened?’ And the woman will be like ‘His term ended 20 years ago.’ ‘Oh, we’re so sorry to bother you, President Kim Kardashian.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“Seriously, there’s like so many steps before you can actually punish an American president. Congress impeaches presidents like white parents discipline their kids: ‘Young man, if you don’t listen, I’m going to tell you again. And then if you don’t, I’m going to talk to your father and then we’re going to talk with our therapist.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“The House voted today to formalize the impeachment process, which means — I don’t know what it means. It means it’ll go to the Senate. Republicans in the Senate will do nothing about it, and Trump will say he won is probably what it means.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Quick follow up: The Titanic just hit an iceberg. The captain is saying ‘It was a perfect iceberg; now we can all make Slurpees for everyone,’ and he’s asking you to handcuff yourself to the port-side rail and swallow the keys. Are you all willing to do that?” — STEPHEN COLBERT