Signs Your Bra May Be the Wrong Size Or a Snake

Are your bra straps constantly sliding off your shoulders? Do they then slither down your arms and swiftly disappear into the silent cornfield, never to be seen again?

Does your bra constrict your breathing? When you try to loosen it, does it calmly cinch itself around you even tighter, cutting off your blood flow and causing you to lose consciousness in short order?

Do the cups of your bra have strange bulges? Are these bulges the approximate shape of a rat swallowed whole?

When you take off your bra, does it leave behind red marks on your ribcage? Do some of these marks resemble pairs of puncture wounds which, when left untreated, seem to cause lethargy, nausea, tachycardia, and kidney failure?

Does your bra lay unevenly under your clothes? Does your bra lay eggs?

Do your romantic partners find it difficult to remove your bra? Have any of them run from the room while emitting a piercing shriek of terror? Do your romantic partners all seem to share an unusual passion for calling animal control?

When your bra is on, are there gaps or pockets of air? Do any of these gaps contain fangs?

Does your bra band ride up in the back? Does it sometimes ride up so high that you lose track of it, only to later find it napping in the branches of a nearby tree, neatly camouflaged among the sun-dappled leaves?

Does your bra rub uncomfortably against your skin? Does your bra also rub against rocks and rough surfaces in an effort to shed its own skin, discarding a ghostly remnant of itself a few times a year?

Do you regularly find yourself spilling out from the top of your bra? Do other things spill out, like regurgitated bones or digested clumps of fur?

Does your bra put pressure on your shoulders, causing you to slouch? Does it ever put pressure on you to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge even though God has expressly forbidden it, causing your permanent expulsion from paradise?

When you take off your bra, do you inevitably breathe a sigh of relief? Is your sigh often drowned out by a loud, threatening rattle?

If you answered “yes” to one or more questions, there is a good chance you are among the 80% of women who are wearing either an incorrectly sized bra, or a snake. To learn more, consult a professional bra fitter and/or your local emergency room.