Everyone has heard the nursery rhyme about the lady who lived in a shoe and had so many children she didn’t know what to do. What most people don’t know is that this is actually a realistic depiction of what waits for loose women in the hereafter. But instead of a shoe, it’s lots of lava.

You see, every single conception you prevent with sins like “condoms” or “the pill” has a real soul and you are sending it straight into Satan’s maternity ward by practicing “safe sex.”

Think about it – hundreds, thousands of squalling Hell-babies, probably with forked tongues and half-formed wings and entirely black eyes, all roasting in brimstone and sulfur because of your wanton lustfulness. Like a giant warehouse filled with demonic Cabbage Patch Kids, wailing in Aramaic, projectile-vomiting blood and blow-flies, little bobbly heads rotating everywhere.

Every single of these little bundles of joy is waiting for you. And if you ever had an “orgasm,” that Hell-baby will be retarded.

That’s correct; your own personal Hell will be caring for these babies for eternity. You will keep gaining weight forever. Your milk ducts will shrivel and start leaking bile. In Lucifer’s nursery, the mandatory uniform is hairshirt sweatpants, squeaky Velcro nurse shoes and baggy bedazzled tops with “99% Angel” written in sequins. And the demonspawn will never go to sleep and they will always be teething tiny razor teeth and you’ll be running around, cellulite crisping in the blistering heat, trying to entertain them all on iPads and stuff but nothing will work because everyone knows a fussy baby in Hell is inconsolable.

Not a pretty sight, is it? Well, if you’re still a virgin or currently pregnant, you’re probably okay, but keep praying just in case. But for those of you who have already despoiled themselves, there is only one way to avoid this fate: blow jobs.

You see, blow jobs were invented by Mary Magdalene as a method of divine transubstantiation where the spunk of your lover is miraculously transformed into immaculate Jesus food. Babies you swallow go right to Heaven and skip this miserable life, so you’re actually doing them a favor. You can’t spell “manna” without a man, so start slurping, because every load you swallow cancels exactly one Hell-baby. Trust me, I’m a youth pastor and understand how the system operates. (Interesting note: Mormons believe anal sex works too, but only if you cry. However, this is unverified. Don’t blame me if there is a writhing ball of armless shit-babies waiting for you in the afterlife.)

But, you whine, what if I only masturbated and didn’t kill any babies? Hell for girls who defile themselves in life consists of an eternal spin class where instead of a seat, the bike has a giant dildo made out of toads and broken glass. “Blurred Lines” plays on loop forever and if you slow down, your father’s skinless corpse drops out of the ceiling on marionette strings and calls you fat. There’s Powerade, but its room temperature.

Look, I’m just telling you how it is. The Bible makes it abundantly clear that God doesn’t want you to have enjoyable non-procreative sex – if he did, He wouldn’t have made vaginas so gross and complicated. It’s intelligent design – penises already sort of look like tasty popsicles and your private parts, well – who is going to bother trying to find the “clit” in that pile of dogfood? Trust in God’s plan and bask in the wonderful things He intended for you, like unpaid internships and having children.

As always, hit me up in the comments for spiritual guidance.