On April 12th, a player by the name of xXCareBear4Life420Xx was threatened on Xbox Live. Unlike most death threats, this was by an Non-Playable Character (or NPC) in Ubisoft’s recently released video game Tom Clancy’s The Division. The threats caused so much social anxiety and fear of going out in public that reports are coming in of the player suing Ubisoft Massive, the developers of Tom Clancy’s The Division, because feelings were hurt and NPCs are scary.

Police were called at approximately 2:33 am this morning after xXCareBear4Life420Xx heard an NPC aggressively yell at his avatar, “There he is! Kill him!”.

“I should feel safe on the internet. And I should feel safe when walking around a post-apocalyptic New York City in a video game,” xXCareBear4Life420Xx explained while we blazed one up in his trailer. “Games are an escape from reality, man, and I feel like it’s scary when an NPC runs at you screaming they want to kill you. That’s just messed up.”.

“We take these types of internet threats very seriously, even though statistically speaking you’ll have more chance of dying from a lightning strike,” police chief Ronald McDoodle said.

The NPC was shot in self defense and was unable to comment, however, we can report that it was a middle-aged white male waving around a sub-machine gun.

With more and more children (or “adults”) on the internet, reports of internet death threats are coming in at an alarming rate. Reports of harassment on Twitter are also catching storm as xXCareBear4Life420Xx had to delete his account after someone said his facial hair looked like shaved pubes pasted on his face. But in gaming, NPCs are threatening more and more online without little involvement from the federal government to take action.

When asked what President Obama was going to do, a spokesman replied, “We’re proposing Congress to pass the National Hurt Feelings bill to stop developers from threatening their fans with offensive and hurtful words via NPCs while waiving a virtual gun at the player. This kind of thing shouldn’t be happening in America. It’s not the 90s anymore.”.

The first court date is expected during this summer during E3. Ubisoft Massive and Ubisoft has yet to return our calls.

Editor note: This is Channel FU44 closing with this: internet death threats are as dangerous as drinking too much orange juice. Once in a blue moon, you may choke on some orange juice. And by that same measure, you’ll be killed by someone on the internet. Gamers have experienced death threats for years since first launching an online game. On Quake III Arena, I learned I was a faggot.

I’ve been threatened my entire life on games. If I could just count the times someone has threatened to rape my mom. So here’s to you, modern internet: grow thicker skin and quit playing real life victim over digital trash talk, no matter how stupid and appalling it is. Muting and blocking does wonders!

But seriously: eff swatters!