No, Ms. Lynch, I am not impressed.

Six of the world's biggest banks will pay $5.8 billion and five of them agreed to plead guilty to charges tied to a currency-rigging probe as they seek to wind down almost half a decade of enforcement actions. Citicorp, JPMorgan Chase & Co., Barclays Plc and Royal Bank of Scotland Plc agreed to plead guilty to felony charges of conspiring to manipulate the price of U.S. dollars and euros, according to settlements announced by the Justice Department in Washington Wednesday. The main banking unit of UBS Group AG agreed to plead guilty to a wire-fraud charge related to interest-rate manipulation. The Swiss bank, the first to cooperate with antitrust investigators, was granted immunity in the currency probe. The four banks that agreed to plead guilty to currency charges are among the world's biggest foreign-exchange traders. They were accused of colluding to influence benchmark rates by aligning positions and pushing transactions through at the same time. Traders who described themselves as members of "The Cartel" used online chat rooms to discuss their positions before the rates were set and suppress competition in the market, the Justice Department said.

What a fake. What a fraud. What an insult to any stick-up kid doing five-to-fifteen for robbing a bodega. The banks don't even have to look between the cushions on the sofa for the loose change they'll use to pay the fines. They get to use their stockholders' money to pay the fine.

The settlements show the eagerness of bank executives to end one of the last big legal cases dogging the industry. Scandals involving the aggressive sale of mortgage bonds and interest-rate rigging helped reinforce the view that some firms are too big to manage properly and should be broken up. "This is a very calculated move to get the Justice Department off their backs, because otherwise this could go on for years," said Phillip Phan, a professor at the Johns Hopkins Carey Business School. "In a way, there's anonymity in the crowd -- you don't know who's more guilty than others."

This is altogether remarkable. Here we have a staggering series of crimes that did very real damage to thousands of people all over the world. Here we have a staggering series of crimes, but not a single identifiable criminal. Who rigged the markets? The bank buildings? A shadowy cabal of ledgers? Motorcycle gangs made up of quarterly reports? This is the only area of criminal justice where law-enforcement actively avoids identifying anyone as a criminal.

Let us face facts. Within these institutions, there have to be hundreds of people who were involved in some way with a scam this large. There were people who supervised those hundreds of people, and people who supervised them. Somewhere, in that mass of criminal activity, I'm willing to bet something substantial that a human being committed an actual crime.

But, no. "The banks" get fined. This is just too freaking hilarious.

Senator Professor Warren feels very much the same.

A Wall Street watchdog group called Better Markets called it a "slap on the wrist" and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) said in an e-mail: "That's not accountability for Wall Street. It's business as usual, and it stinks."

Banks don't cheat people. People cheat people.

Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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