CBS summer reality TV stalwart Big Brother airs the finale of its 17th (!) season tonight, with a crazed poker player, an also-crazed engineering student, and one-half of a pair of identical twins left in the running for the $500,000 prize. Heh, only on Big Brother. The show retains its cult status year on year with few major changes to its structure or, really, its contestants — but this year, it broke ground more than a little bit by casting the first transgender houseguest, Audrey Middleton.

Audrey was a breakout star on the show; a shooting star, really, given that by her own admission she flamed out a little bit early, and was the fourth houseguest evicted. But that's fine! She played hard and fast, and got down and dirty with all the show's sneaky strategy from the get-go, just like everyone else — and that's exactly what she'd wanted.

In the run-up to the finale, Cosmopolitan.com spoke with Audrey about her experiences growing up trans (in the deep South), what drew her to reality TV, and what it's like to go from living on the down-low to being a trans role model in a matter of weeks.

You shared a lot of your story, and your journey toward transitioning as a teen and young adult, on the show. Even as a child, were you always conscious of being "different" and gender non-conforming specifically?

I was always drawn to everything female, everything feminine. I played with girl toys, loved makeup, you know, I would steal my mom's shoes! And it was difficult, because I grew up in a very conservative, devout Catholic family — god bless my parents but they were very sheltered and they weren't expecting to have a child who was so challenging to their understanding of life. I threw everything out of balance.

I would try to be sneaky and experiment in the comfort of my own room, just express myself there. But I'd leave breadcrumbs out there and my mom slowly caught on. That's when [my parents] became ... a little bit concerned.

How exactly did those concerns manifest themselves?

Well, I was sent to a wilderness rehabilitation center, actually. I'm 13 years old and these two grown-men escorts show up in my room, in the middle of the night, and they take me from my bed against my will and throw me in a car. It's like I'm being kidnapped. I had no idea what was going on. It's one of the scariest, most traumatizing things I've ever been through. I'm just thrown into the mix [at this rehab center] with all these young teenage boys who are so different from me — they had real drug and alcohol abuse issues, delinquent histories, and I'm just trying on women's clothing!

I went into survival mode, like, OK, I have to adapt to this environment or else I am not going to make it. The only thing I could do was to act as if I was "cured." So I followed the program, I took accountability, and basically just told people what they wanted to hear, and I was able to get out in six weeks. I went back home and then, lo and behold, you can't "cure" something like this, so my parents sent me to another program and the cycle just kind of repeated itself. I ran away from that program — to my parents, that was the point that was most alarming. It somehow woke them up.

You spoke a lot on the show about how close you are with your folks now. So this was the moment, then, that they began supporting your identity?

It took me a while to be able to understand their perspective because I was so hurt and angry. But it was honestly — and they'll own up to it — it was their own ignorance, because they just didn't know how to raise a child who was so special. And cool; I like to say "cool." They believe in their heart that they were trying to do the right thing; they just wanted to help me. I'm so blessed because we're so close now and they love me so much. They're the most valuable thing in my life.

And if I hadn't gone through all that, I don't know if I would have even had the courage to step into the spotlight on Big Brother.

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Right! Big Brother doesn't have the best reputation either, in terms of its contestants' tolerance. Was that something that worried you — the possibility you'd be stuck in a house with transphobic people?

Absolutely, it was a big concern. But you face prejudice in your daily life, no matter where you go, no matter who you are. Humans are very resistant to change for some reason and so, yes, it's scary because you could go on this show, and it could blow up in your face, and all these people could hate you and hate on you and judge you and make you feel alienated just because of this one detail. But it was really important for me to be able to showcase the courage it takes to come out in front of the world and just say, you know, Eff you if you don't like me, this is who I am. It was a risk that I was willing to take — and it was totally worth it. I'm so grateful that [the other contestants] were so open to my story.

Some of the cast said they'd never met a trans person before, so were there a lot of questions and educational moments?

During the first few days, there were a few who were very inquisitive. There's a scene I've seen back where Steve is asking about trans verbiage — what do I like to be identified as, what do I like to be called. I prefer female [identifiers], because I've got a wonderful vagina, thank you very much. I have a little letter F letter on my driver's license, my birth certificate, my social security card. I am a woman, and that's what I identify as; to me, "transgender" is this label that embodies someone who is transitioning. But I understand that other trans people feel differently, and that's fine.

Did you ever feel like your identity, and your story, affected your position in the game?

I feel like it was a pretty even playing field. I know people have watched the show and said they felt like people were sensitive around me being transgender, but I really didn't feel that way in the house. You saw people who didn't like me and weren't afraid to let me know! And that's fine, that's a part of the game and that's what I wanted — I wanted an authentic experience. I didn't want prejudice but I also didn't want favoritism. I just wanted people to either want to work with me because they liked my gameplay and my attitude, or hate on me because I'm super competitive and, yes, I'm a threat. Or, you know, because maybe I can be annoying.

I did not want to use me being transgender as part of my strategy. Caitlyn Jenner had just paved this huge path open in everyone's consciousness this year, bringing awareness to this minority and I was like, I cannot ruin this. I wasn't going to use being transgender manipulatively. Right from the get-go, I wanted to come out to these people and say this is who I am. [Big Brother] is so deceitful and it brings out the worst in you, so this was the one thing I'm going to be upfront and open about ... I knew I was going to be lying up to my eyeballs about everything else.

What even drove you to want to be on the show — living in a bubble, this hot-mess pressure cooker studio set surrounded by cameras 24/7? It sounds like a nightmare.

I've always loved competition reality-based shows, strategic ones. I loved Survivor; I would host Survivor competitions in my backyard growing up — I would call up all the neighbors' kids and make them play with me. Then I got into Big Brother also, and I even competed in some online versions of the show, games on the Internet. This past year I just thought to myself, This is it. I don't know why exactly, but it was my time. I applied to the show back in December, and this was even before all of the Caitlyn Jenner stuff started, really — right off the bat [in my audition video] I said this is who I am and this is why I'm extra cool and this is what I can bring to the show.

I heard back from CBS and then, [during casting] all the Caitlyn Jenner news started coming out. It made me feel so much better about moving on in this process. I had been nervous to go on television, because I had not even been "out" in my real life. I've lived under the radar, in a sense, as female without having to justify it to anyone and now for the first time I knew I was really going to make it public.

So, in your real-life, people outside your immediate friends and family weren't aware of your transition?

I didn't scream it from the rooftops before because, to me, labels are obsolete. People are who they are and I would never ask anyone to justify their gender or sexual orientation. But [the coverage surrounding Caitlyn's transition] reminded me that this experience goes beyond just myself. Really, when I signed up for this show, I was like, OK, Audrey, you don't get to give any more fucks. You're out of fucks to give.

Did you feel the show's casting team and producers were always supportive?

They didn't interfere or [manipulate] me one bit. This is a reality show and you're being filmed 24/7, so they don't want people who are going to put up a front — I think they really appreciated how vulnerable I made myself. I feel like out of anyone, I showed the most human parts of myself; I mean, I went crazy [in the house]. I could tell that the producers were genuinely engaged with my story, and they empathized with the adversities I'd overcome, and they just really made me feel wonderful throughout.

What has the response been since your eviction?

I've felt nothing but overwhelming love and support. I feel like I'm dreaming, honestly; I pinch myself everyday just to make sure that I'm not. I lived in a shell [before Big Brother] basically, but now I feel like I don't have to carry this burden, this secret in my real life anymore. All these people know who I am, and they're so supportive, and they love me, and they say how much I've touched them and inspired their lives.

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Would you like to remain in the public eye as this role model people see you as now?

I would love to be a spokesperson, I would love to speak out anywhere I'm given the platform to do so. Beyond just being transgender, I really want to share what my perspective is on just being human, because I feel like there's a lot of controversy around [the issue] of diversity. We've been on this planet for all these freaking thousands of millions of years, and we still can't just get along. The world is not going to end because people are different from each other; we are ending the world because we can't get on the same page and just work in cohesion. And so, absolutely, I want to share my story and encourage others to step up and do the same thing and I hope to have an influence wherever I can and help whoever I can.

Note: Cosmopolitan.com also spoke with Audrey's parents, who confirmed the struggles she experienced growing up. "I feel blessed to have the opportunity to have my heart changed," her father Mark explained of growing to understand her identity, adding that her sharing the story, warts and all, is worthwhile "if it helps one single child or one parent" come to terms with a similar situation.

For more resources, visit PFLAG.org or TransYouth Family Allies at imatyfa.org.

Follow Audrey on Instagram and Twitter.

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Alex Rees Deputy Editor of News I’m the news director here at Cosmopolitan.com, and I could really use a cup of tea right now.

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