There was a time in the mid-nineties when geeky, awkward, “alternative” girls ruled the world. I call them “Lisa Loeb Girls” (or LLG for short); named after the very cute and very talented singer/songwriter whose song “Stay” was on the “Reality Bites” soundtrack (a good movie but a GREAT song). They were really smart, really shy and really obsessed with art, music and books. The nerdy glasses, the plaid skirts, the self-effacing irony – fuck me they were hot! Where the hell did they go? Where are the Lisa Loeb Girls of today? All I see now are chicks with tramp stamps, belly shirts and “fuck me” hairdos (sometimes referred to as slut stripes). Trust me, I’m fine with women trying to look like porn stars. Bring it on! But that’s all I’m seeing everywhere I go. “The Hills” girls, “The Rock of Love” girls, “A Double Shot of Love” girls – all of them are skanks and couldn’t hang for one second with my LLG. [And yes there is Tina Fey who is funny and great and is bringing that nerdy, alternative girl back, but she’s not like Lisa Loeb. Let’s be honest. Which would you rather have? A Lisa Loeb Girl who writes a love song about how great you are in the sack or a Tina Fey Girl who uses your premature ejaculation as a comedy bit for her show? Yeah, that’s what I thought.]

LLG embraced their dorkiness and I love them for that. They didn’t like what was trendy. In fact, a lot of things they liked I can’t stand. Have you ever sat in a coffeehouse all night drinking green tea and listening to a poetry slam? There are better ways of spending your time – like gouging your eyes out with a melon baller. But that’s okay because the Lisa Loeb Girls liked it, even though they acknowledged it was kinda lame. And that’s what made the LLG so attaractive. They weren’t trying to be cool. They weren’t trying to be hot. They just were. What you need to understand about a Lisa Loeb Girl is that once she got to know you and like you - she REALLY liked you. And she would show it. And that’s way better than what the ho-bags of today have to offer. All of these “I wanna be really, really famous by any means necessary” girls will only disappoint you in bed. They only care about how they look while they’re blowing you. Lisa Loeb Girls care only if you’re enjoying yourself (which of course, being naked with them, you are). I miss the girls who shopped at the Salvation Army. I miss the girls who carry around a well-worn notebook in their messenger bag to jot down lyrics or book ideas whenever they feel the inspiration. I miss the girls who drink wine not to get fall down drunk but because they like the taste of alcohol when they make out with you.

Come back, LLG, come back. As Lisa sang in “Stay”, “Because I miss you.”