With reference to your recent article (Sherlock is slowly and perversely morphing into Bond. This cannot stand, theguardian.com, 3 January), and with apologies to AC Doyle:

Here is a critic who says with low blow

Sherlock’s no brain-box but become double-O.

Says the Baker St boy is no man of action –

whilst ignoring the stories that could have put him in traction.

The Solitary Cyclist sees boxing on show,

The Gloria Scott and The Sign of the Fo’

The Empty House too sees a mention, in time, of Mathews,

who knocked out poor Sherlock’s canine.

As for arts martial, there’s surely a clue

in the misspelled wrestle Doyle called baritsu.

In hurling Moriarty over the torrent

did Sherlock find violence strange and abhorrent?

In shooting down pygmies and Hounds from hell

Did Sherlock on Victorian niceties dwell?

When Gruner’s men got him was Holmes quite compliant

Or did he give good account for The Illustrious Client?

There’s no need to invoke in yarns that still thrill,

Her Majesty’s Secret Servant with licence to kill

From Rathbone through Brett to Cumberbatch dandy

With his fists Mr Holmes has always been handy.

Mark Gatiss

London

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