Long story short the current national anthem of the United States blows, it's an irish drinking song with some lame poem about a flag laid on top. Talk about scoliosis. My solution is self-evident: replace that song with a different one that's really good. But what? For generations have men, women, and people with good opinions have searched for a song to more perfectly sum up the pile of atrocities in a trenchcoat that is America. A song with some weight to it, that'll slap the nuts clean off your nuts. Enter: Gang-Plank Galleon, specifically the version featured in the 2018 video game Super Smash Bros Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch. It's got everything: Rap. Horns. Guitar going all bwiddly-diddly in the background. A giant imperialistic lizard monster with a gun pillaging the resources of indigenous peoples on Caribbean islands. Monkey. How could it not be the anthem?

My proposal is simple: to the President, to Brussels, and to the Avengers, if you want to see an increase in moshing at the next Olympics, ditch the snoozefest and get a certified banger like Gang-Plank Galleon.

(image source: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/Qbbdr?fbclid=IwAR2JZ0A-9H_y8yt_YHwqCXHUD8KRsF5mN8hk9PyX9qhZQwP-h3wnNAaKc6I