New York, NY—

Fox News studio clown Sean Hannity is reportedly on “standby” with several days’ worth of hysterical, pre-taped Hillary Clinton-related conspiracy segments ready to air in the event that senior adviser and coffee boy Jared Kushner is interrogated by the FBI under threat of several waiting, undisclosed indictments and flips on President Donald Trump.

“I have never been more serious about anything in my life,” Mr. Hannity reportedly said to his staff in a morning pump-up session, with the song “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background. “Donald Jr. just threw Hope Hicks under the bus. It’s only a matter of time before Jared Kushner is indicted for lying to the FBI in that Israel-related interview he conducted with the FBI the day before the FBI dropped the indictment of Michael Flynn for lying to the FBI about his Israel connection. And Donald Jr. himself just opened up a can of worms for himself that no doubt ultimately leads to Trump himself, no matter how long they stall the prosecution with staffer decoys they throw under the bus. Trump won’t be able to throw himself under the bus. So that means we’re in existential-crisis-mode here. If Jared is arrested we have only one hail-mary left to stall Trump’s immediate impeachment and arrest. Are you ready for it? We claim Jared is a secret Hillary Clinton plant who has framed Donald Trump for her Russian crimes. Hillary’s crimes technically are ‘alleged’ and aren’t strong enough to be prosecuted, and so probably are not real crimes at all… and Trump’s Russian collusion was specifically designed to defeat Hillary who won a clear majority of the vote, but ignore all that. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Jared has given money to Democrats in the past, and that’s our Trump card, no pun intended. We mash Jared under the wheels of the bus and he takes the fall and we blame him for the whole Flynn debacle. It’s not airtight, and will likely backfire epically, but—let’s be real—it’s really all we got left. So I have a lot of pre-taped smear segments on Hillary and Jared being supposedly connected in a Trump-espionage conspiracy, and we’re just waiting for the green light of Mueller indicting Kushner. It’s the last play of the game, one second left on the clock, and Jared is the last guy who can rationally take a fall to save the president. So, my faithful staff, go long and deep.”

Hannity then reportedly passed around copies of various memos Josef Goebbels composed throughout his reign as head of propaganda in Nazi Germany, and suggested his staff read it, for tips on what not to do.

Hannity reportedly winked, and then repeated that the assigned reading was for what not to do, with a stressed emphasis on the word “not.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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