As the hangovers fade, as the perma-grins slip away from their faces, as the astonished joy gives way to depressing, cold logic, QPR fans must be very quietly panicking. Abject fear at what might be to come. Icy terror at what next season in the Premier League might hold. For spending an entire campaign watching your team get a thorough shoeing is, as they will know from depressing first-hand experience, no kind of fun.

Harry Redknapp says he has learned from last time, when the tactic of throwing a lot of money at old, experienced and high-profile players backfired in quite a profound way, so attention now turns to the gossip pages for his new, innovative and exciting plan. Let’s see what we’ve got here today …

Oh.

Erm, says here they’re going to sign Frank Lampard, Rio Ferdinand and Joe Cole.

Oh.

But hey, who hasn’t been manager of a club in eye-bleeding amounts of debt and tested the standard definition of insanity by doing the same thing over and over and expecting something utterly different, by giving your nephew £10m to help him ease his career down?

Oh.

A team shopping at the other end of the age scale seems to be Liverpool, who are apparently awfully keen on Adam Lallana. However, if they are to convert that awful keenness into an actual footballer they will have to stump up the thick end of £25m. Or two-and-a-half Frank Lampards, the standard by which all future transfer fees will undoubtedly be judged from this point on.

And while Liverpool are there, they might as well check if the Saints have any other decent players knocking around. Nathaniel Clyne for example, who could be a replacement for Glen Johnson, the right-back currently in the midst of a ‘contract wrangle’ at Anfield, which more brings to mind something flamboyant involving a lasso rather than what basically amounts to some fairly tedious discussions about numbers and clauses and paperwork and so forth.

Another time-saving, job-lot sort of negotiation seems to be happening between Chelsea and PSG who, presumably delighted that they have struck such a smashing deal for David Luiz, seemingly had 10 minutes of the hour they had that meeting room booked out for to kill. Thus, Chelsea apparently decided to use the time productively by asking about Argentinean forward Ezequiel Lavezzi. The French side seemingly also want to take Oscar, Petr Cech and Eden Hazard to Paris, at which point the Chelsea suits puffed out their cheeks, looked at their watches and apologised, because Kevin from HR has a presentation to make in here and they will have to leave things for now.

British people of course always enjoy something to complain about. For example, the ideal end to a brilliant holiday to a wonderful place with a dear friend is to have your flight home cancelled and spend 12 hours shuffling around an airport, poking at low-standard food and trying to avoid the dead-eyed gaze of other disgruntled passengers, and when their flight eventually lands their luggage is still somewhere over the Atlantic. That way, you have a lovely time, but also have a whine with which to bore people back home.

Thus, Manchester United fans might actually be quite pleased that, even after his dismissal, the residual effects of David Moyes are still lingering in the air, like the odour of a particularly potent fish cooked for dinner last Thursday that just won’t bloody shift. In this case the fishy smell is Danny Welbeck’s apparent desire to leave Old Trafford, who is irked at Moyes for playing him out of position and so forth. Spurs are keen to end his hell at being asked to run around 15 yards further to the left than he would like.

Another thing for Reds to kvetch about is Toni Kroos, who most certainly won’t be moving to Old Trafford, all of those stories connecting him and United now exposed as a ruse to spook Bayern into giving him a dirty great new contract. Who knew?

A couple from the pipe dreams department now: Arsenal are sniffing around Karim Benzema and Mario Balotelli, while Liverpool are also hanging their noses over the latter. We suspect there are more chances of Mario taking a desk job at a mid-range software development company (Croydon branch) than that happening, but stranger events have occurred.

Here’s something that will never not be weird: Tom Ince is in Milan to discuss a move to Inter. This being the man who couldn’t get in the Crystal Palace team last season. They lose Javier Zanetti, they get Tom Ince. Sure. Absolutely. Of course.

And finally, joining the amusing stories about cats in that particular genre, there is word that Paolo di Canio could take over from Neil Lennon at Celtic, perhaps in a desperate bid to make Scottish football interesting in any possible way. This absolutely has to happen.