Whether it’s “protecting” US citizens (read White people) from Mexicans or protecting data from those who wish to steal it, imagination somehow finds itself stopping at walls. Case in point: on day one of the Union government’s arguments in the final Aadhaar case hearing, Attorney General KK Venugopal had informed the five-judge Constitution Bench of the Supreme Court that Aadhaar data is safe and secure, emphasising it is stored inside a complex whose walls are 13 feet high and five feet thick.

That settles it. Nothing, absolutely nothing can now touch the Aadhaar data. Not even UIDAI, unless one happens to own a 14-foot-ladder and a rock hammer (and has around 19 years of free time). But in the interest of protecting this data — and it is essential we do so given it has our biometric information — there are a few things that can protect Aadhaar data more securely than just walls.

1) Sunny Deol

Clearly, the government of India has forgotten the most patriotic man in Bollywood. A guy who can break hand pumps with his bare hands, beat up Pakistani soldiers and terrorists left right and centre and has managed to survive the DJ-ing endeavours of his brother can easily protect Aadhaar Data.

Photo: DailyO

2) The Shivaji statue in Mumbai

As has been reported earlier, the 192m-high, Rs 3,600-crore grand memorial for Shivaji Maharaj off Mumbai's coast is not just a beautification project. The statue turns into Batman at night and protects the city from crime. And are we supposed to believe that Batman is incapable of protecting Aadhaar data? No, sir.

3) Cows

This is India and one would rather jump in front of a nuclear missile from North Korea than mess with a cow — dead or alive. In fact, one has a better chance of surviving a nuclear holocaust than trying to steal from cows in India. So why not just put the Aadhaar data in a building made of live cows. It’s eco-friendly as well.

4) Lend the Aadhaar data to Nirav Modi

Seriously, that is the only way no one will get to see it. Not only will the data remain safe and sound in New York, Antwerp or Dubai, the data will also never make its way back into India for anyone with malicious intent to steal it.

5) Bury the data in Ayodhya

The land will continue to remain disputed and no one will dare touch anything that’s a part of it. Even if Ram Mandir is built, there is no way anyone will ever try to steal from a temple in UP. Not as long as Yogi Adityanath is there to protect it.

6) Store Aadhaar data at Jawaharlal Nehru libraries or museums

Photo: DailyO

In the age of BJP, no one cares about Nehru. So of course, no one will care to read about him either. Hiding Aadhaar data in books about Nehru is an ingenious idea because who will even expect to look for it there?

7) Hackers

Seriously. It’s not UIDAI that is worried about protecting Aadhaar data. It’s the hackers. Keeping Aadhaar biometric data with Baptiste Robert, a French hacker who uses the alias Elliot Alderson, and has been busier than UIDAI to find out weaknesses in the Aadhaar database and various websites that use and store Aadhaar data, is a stellar idea.

Surely, there’s no one who is more invested in protecting this data?

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