I was one of the many morons duped into staying awake past the UFC Ultimate Fighter Finale this last weekend to watch Joe Rogan’s special “Talking Monkeys in Space”. It is my understanding that Joe Rogan has been doing comedy now for “years”. I put years in quotes because I am seriously questioning the voracity of this claim.



There were several occasions were it was painfully obvious that he was going to great lengths to be funny. On one of his bits he kept his eyes wide open and told a pathetically unfunny story about being a new dad. It was a diatribe of what felt like minutes of fodder that was clearly designed by an amateur or someone who may have been mentally deficient.



Anyone in comedy knows there is a clear rhythm and tempo in performing a bit, apparently Joe didn’t bother to actually study this craft. It seems to me that he is attempting to ride the coattails of his own success and migrate into a foreign land that he has NO business in whatsoever.



Regardless of your taste in comedy, and mine is vast, it doesn’t take a comedic genius to know that Joe yelling into the mic and attempting to be funny just doesn’t work. I am sure to some die hard UFC fan boys Joe Rogan’s humor isn’t lost, but I simply have to say the following before I have a stroke from holding it in.



Dear Mr. Rogan,



You suck. You aren’t funny. Your performance was terrible, and I truly felt like I was watching a UFC fight where you were kicking the shit of out yourself. The good news is Spike air that crap at midnight and it is very unlikely that anyone who gives a shit watched it. I however am kindly requesting you return my 10 minutes back to me in the form of silence.



Until you can learn proper comedic timing, read “How Not To Yell Into a Mic For Dummies (and Joe Rogan)”, and learn how to be funny. STAY OFF THE FUCKING STAGE. The stage is something you earn, not something you get to do when NBC cancels your show because everyone finally realizes you suck. The stage is not something you do when you are bored or high and your friends say you are hilarious because you resemble an autistic chimpanzee. The stage is a privilege that you continue to rape and I know I am not alone when I say. Please if you have any decency or any honor, just shut the fuck up and go away.



Sincerely,



America…

and anyone else who had to watch that dumb shit