I can’t be the only Pirates fan who can’t stop watching the end of Saturday’s Dodgers-Giants game.

It finished, of course, with that emphatic walk-off home run by Andrew McCutchen, former Bucco and forever Yinzer, whose sixth (!) hit of the night came in the 14th inning and turned a 5–4 deficit into a 7–5 victory.

He knew the ballgame was over as soon as he made contact, and any Pirates fan watching knew the same. How many times have we seen those wrists, impossibly quick, turn on a ball up and in and redirect it into the left-field seats? How many times have we seen that yell, and those fists pumps, the raw emotion of our old fearless leader?

It was all so bittersweet as he bounced around the diamond. As he neared home, I wondered: Would he still do that delayed little side shuffle and restrained helmet tip that became his trademark after game-winners in Pittsburgh? Perhaps this was no occasion to be subdued or play it cool (and besides, he’d already chucked his helmet), but still I felt a twinge of disappointment when he deviated, instead skipping and screaming into the pile at home, arms flying as water bottles sprayed around him, so excited he couldn’t contain it.

The next day, I texted a friend I grew up with in Monroeville about the fireworks in San Francisco.

“How awesome is that,” he said. “I want him to hit .400 this year and hit 80 home runs.”

So do I. But Saturday’s heroics aside, McCutchen is off to a slow start, with a .231 average and .609 OPS. And the Pirates, meanwhile, have surprised everyone by sprinting into first place at 7–2 when the prevailing predictions had them closer to 2–7.

I should be more excited than I am, but the Bucs’ fast start feels less enjoyable than it could. I miss Cutch and his joy, far more than I thought I would.

Call me a rank sentimentalist, but it would have have been nice to have the Clemente or Stargell of our generation there to congratulate Colin Moran on his grand slam, and talk up James Taillon after his one-hit shutout.

Of course McCutchen was the best player on the best Pirates team in decades, the guy who finally turned it all around while scooping up five All-Star Game appearances and an MVP award along the way. But he was also the heart and soul of the team, the chief source of its swagger, the player as likely to make you laugh out loud as say, “Wow.”

We all remember, among so many moments, Cutch banging out pushups in the batter’s box after hitting the deck to avoid a high, hard one; Cutch taking a lead off second and then dancing back as if nobody was watching (the cameras were); Cutch giving his batting gloves to two young fans at a game with their father in San Diego, making their night, and ours.

Pirates management would have you believe the team is better positioned to compete, if not now then certainly in the future, following the trades of McCutchen and Gerrit Cole (who is also making noise with his new team, the Astros). But even if that were true — and it’s highly debatable — am I crazy for thinking that it might not be worth it? Or is it actually appropriate to put rooting for people over, to quote a bit from Jerry Seinfeld, rooting for laundry?

Pirates fans, so far, appear equally dubious. Through six home games, PNC Park attendance is averaging just 16,134 — third-to-last, ahead of only the A’s and Marlins (not including the Cubs, whose Monday home opener against the Bucs was snowed out).

More wins will bring more fans, but maybe not as many as there could be. Maybe the thing they cared about most is gone and not coming back, and they’ve decided to follow suit.

The one exception on the schedule: May 11–13, when McCutchen and the Giants come to town.