by Carl V Phillips

Following on the headline-producing success of recent scaremongering research on e-cigarettes, a flurry of new studies have been produced. A spokesman for the U.S. Fooling and Dramatizing Agency remarked, “we thought it was great when someone figured out that if you cook e-cigarette liquid up to welding temperatures that it produced lots of formaldehyde. So we thought, hey, we have billions of dollars to support that kind of research, so what else can we fund?” The answer was, indeed, impressive.

A new study out of the University of Minnesota revealed the deadly effect of e-cigarette liquid on rodents. They dropped 55-gallon drums of e-cigarette liquid on rats, from varying heights. The found that for even relatively modest heights — no greater than those found in ordinary houses that are home to chiiiildren — there was a nearly total fatality rate. They further reported extensive liver, kidney, heart, stomach, and trachea damage, concluding that the toxic effects of e-cigarette liquid on these organs should be specifically investigated.

A study of hazards from e-cigarette batteries from the University of Southern California found that if you leave a car packed full of e-cigarettes in the sun, it is consumed by fire in an average of 6 days (95% CI: 4.2-8) due to catastrophic battery failure. Commenting on the research design, the principal investigator explained the methodology: “FDA gave us millions of dollars and we had no idea what to do with it, so we responded to an email from China and ordered a container full of e-cigarettes. We still had too much money, so we just started buying used cars on Craigslist. And, well, one thing led to another.”

The American Heart Attack Association reported on the cardiac risk to children from e-cigarettes. Children of vapers were recruited under false pretenses and were told that Mommy was going to die a horrible death within weeks if she did not quit vaping. Subjects’ heart rate and blood pressure increased to dangerous levels.

A new study from UCSF reported the conclusion “these are bad! BAAAAD!! they will kill you!!!” When asked to clarify what data led to them to those conclusions, the researchers appeared to not understand the question.

In a related study from UCSF, researchers reported a high fatality rate from immersing babies in a bucket of e-cigarette liquid. When ask how such research could possibly be considered ethical, the research team replied “our IRB approved it“.

Penny A$$ociates apparently does not have such an accommodating IRB. Their study reported an apparent major health impact of large mods and battery systems, the impact coming after the device is launched from a slingshot at a target dummy. While only a clinical trial could resolve the exact level of health risk with certainty, the results were considered highly suggestive. Cigalikes, however, when launched from the slingshot, did not fly very effectively, and thus were judged to be less hazardous. That research was funded by manufacturers of cigalikes.

Researchers at Ohio State University — er, sorry, The Ohio State University — reported numerous tendon strains and related injuries in an in-patient clinical trial where elderly heavy smokers were deprived of their cigarettes but given empty tank systems, liquid, and instructions for use. A spokesman for the research team commented that perhaps the result would have been different if the hardware had not been screwed together with 35 pounds of torque, but it is important to not just consider best-case scenarios.

Researchers at the University of Vermont also reported an alarming finding. However, when reached for comment, they were all too busy smoking weed to provide any details. I will update if they ever get back to me.

The University of Texas reported that over 70% of teens said that they believed if they were going to indulge in some vice on Saturday night, puffing on an e-cigarette would be safer than snorting cocaine or having unprotected sex. Commented Professor Cheryl Pearish, “if kids start believing that taking trivial health risks is acceptable, it could threaten everything that public health is trying to accomplish.”

Another study….

Oh, hell, why did I type 27 into that title. I am spent. Help me out, dear readers. We ought to be able to come up with 18 more. Here is a good list of target researchers.

[Update: Make no mistake, I am gratified and entertained by the enormous attention this post is getting. But go read the more serious analyses that appear elsewhere in this blog. I.e., go eat your vegetables — it is not all about dessert. Thank you. :-) ]