Posted on December 20, 2009 in Articles

What do 1500 live lady bugs, a therapy book centered on clinching your butt, and a land tank all have in common? You can buy all of them at Amazon! And so I present to you, the top 6 strangest products on Amazon:

6. The Boozeberry

Are you a lowlife drunk that wants to maintain the air of social conformity and success? Then the Boozeberry is for you: a flask shaped like a Blackberry that holds 2 ounces of booze (or if you’re like me, booze and bleach). You can chug from this thing all day long and people around you will merely think “Wow, what an enterprising young man, he can literally suck out the productive business juice from a Blackberry!”

Perfect For: The recently laid off investment banker, who, no longer able to afford cocaine due to a newly-acquired internet bingo dependency, has turned to Aristocrat vodka for his 11 AM wake-me-up.

5. 1500 Lady Bugs

How 1500 Ladybugs live through a couple of days of being shipped around the country beats me. And who exactly needs 1500 Ladybugs?

Perfect for: The next door neighbor who has the too-perfect garden.

4. How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

With such chapters as “Do 3-week fasting, save sex energy and rotate vortex” and “Erase your bad stickiness and multiply various good feeling”, you know this book was written by a professional. Truthfully, I can’t tell if the author or the translator is at fault, but my sex vortex continues to be unrotated. But don’t take it from me, read the happy fun time description on the back cover:

I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

You read right: 3 times in succession without drawing out. The writer, Hiroyuki Nishigaki, also seems to have a monopoly on awful author pictures:

Perfect For: Anyone who smokes too much weed or seeks out homeopathic solutions to their crippling mental issues. One of your Aunts probably fits into both of these categories.

3. Fresh Whole Rabbit

Do you like nutty tasty meats that are less fatty than chicken? Then get a whole rabbit carcass shipped to your house, courtesy of Amazon. At least the customers have a sense of humor about this sort of thing:

Perfect For: Any aspiring PETA supporters or a dog-owner that doesn’t mind feeding the dessicated viscera of a leftover rabbit to their canines.

2. Solid Gold S.E.P. (Stop Eating Poop)

Are you tired of watching your dog make dinner out of his doo-doo? Then the Solid Gold S.E.P. is for you! It contains nutrients and spices that will apparently prevent your dog from being attracted to his own poop.

Perfect For: Anyone who you bought the fresh whole rabbit for and whose dog is going to go in for seconds. Poop-eating prevention may be a good idea for any particularly curious 4 year olds as well.

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

I’ll let this bad boy speak for itself:

The JL421 Badonkadonk is a completely unique, extremely rare land vehicle and battle tank. Designed with versatility in mind, the Donk can transport cargo or a crew of five internally or on the roof, and can be piloted from within the armored shell or from an exposed standing position through the hatch, thanks to special one-way steel mesh armor windows and a control stick that pivots up and down to allow piloting from the standing or seated positions.

Yes, you read that right. You can buy a freakin’ tank on Amazon. It goes 40 miles per hour, comes with a public announcement system, and a 400 watt sound system. I’m just waiting for the day when they come out with a Bang Bus rip-off featuring this land tank.

Perfect For: When you take your next vacation in Fallujah or the Afghan/Pakistani border and a body suit made entirely of kevlar isn’t quite enough protection. Also good for when promoting a cult, as the PA system combined with the alien design form will allow even the most disconnected of zealots to successfully promote their beliefs (I’m looking at you, Scientology!).]

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