According to reports from Australia this Monday morning, Jenson Button has finished the Australian Grand Prix.

The British driver is understood to have brought his McLaren home only 24 hours after the rest of the pack, just missing out on a points scoring position. Unfortunately, Button would have been ineligible for points anyway as team sources admit his race took so long he was forced to stop during the night ‘for petrol and a piss’.

Nonetheless, McLaren bosses are said to be delighted that the MP4-30 made it to race distance, even though there was ‘quite a lot of smoke’ coming out of the back, it was making ‘a funny noise’ and they are ‘pretty sure the VTEC is broken’.

The scale of Button’s achievement in finishing the Aussie GP is not to be underestimated, especially since authorities in Melbourne were obliged to re-open the street circuit to normal traffic last night. According to onlookers, this left Jenson ‘trudging around’ amongst tourists and commuters, ‘like one of those nutters who takes 72 hours to do the London Marathon dressed as a massive anvil’. Sources say the phlegm-voiced racer used remarkable focus to continue whilst surrounded by normal road cars, most of which overtook him.