Who hasn't had a mouth full of cum at some point of their life? Whether you spit, swallow or gargle you will always be left with that undeniable dick taste after you take your lover in your mouth. Most of the time it's not always a pleasant taste either. It's either too salty, too sweaty, or it just tastes like shame. But never fear! Thanks to Paul "Fotie" Photenhaue's new Semenology: The Semen Bartender 's Handbook the taste of semen can be drastically improved. It's literally a book filled with drink recipes to make the perfect, cum cocktail.

Fotie's first book Nature's Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes was very well received when it was released back in 2008—and the sales propelled him to travel the world and find new ways to infuse semen and gastronomy. This led to more experimenting, and his new book that teaches its reader the unconventional art of semen-based mixology. I must admit, the more I read Semenology the less nauseous I became. It's intriguing stuff. It got me wondering why it was considered somewhat haute couture for a pub in New Zealand to serve horse cum shots but the idea of drinking human semen outside of a blowjob scenario is a disgusting concept.

I called up Fotie for a chat and he put all my doubts aside when he explained: "We eat eggs, which is chicken menstruation, and milk, which is cow secretion. That's pretty disgusting. Semen is fresh and you know who the producer is." That quote alone inspired me to throw my own cum cocktail party; so I called up some guys who wanted to donate their semen and some girls that wanted to drink said semen, and us ladies got wasted on jizz.

Maybe it's because we're all so hyper aware of sexually transmitted diseases or maybe we've just had one too many encounters with a bad dick? I'm not sure, and maybe it's just me, but I don't see a problem with mixing myself up a "Watermelon Gin Jizz" while I curl up on my couch and watch Sex and the City after a nice romp in the bedroom.

and matched each man's jizz—based on their lifestyle and eating habits—with an appropriate drink recipe. Tony ended up with the "Jim & Tonic," since he's a heavy smoker. Fotie told me that a smoker's cum would complement the drink very nicely. Jimmy ended up inside the "Macho Mojito," because he's a vegetarian (and presumably) healthier than all of us. My friend Bruce stirred his baby gravy into the "Semen Bomb," a twisted variant of the Irish Car Bomb. He drinks so much I figured his semen would probably be alcoholic to begin with.

It took a little bit of coaxing to get Tony to head into the bathroom, but when he did it was amazing. Armed with a laptop in one hand and a cup in the other Tony asked Levi (our bartender for the night) what his mom's name was. Then he jerked off to her. Luckily Levi didn't really care: "That's ok. My mom is pretty fit."

To set the mood we put on "Super Freak" by Rick James, and Victoria noticed some creepy Dollarama Jesus candles on a mantle. She grabbed one and strode into the bathroom, lit it, and turned out the light to give the room a holy, romantic, you're-going-straight-to-hell feel for the boys. I felt like I was at a sick and twisted Twilight Zone version of a high school house party, talking about boys and what they would taste like while placing bets on who would take the longest to finish.

We heard a loud bang from the bathroom and Tony strolled out with a nice healthy glass of semen. My kinda-willing-to-drink-semen-in-a-cocktail friend Victoria almost puked right there after she stared at the cum filled glass, so we placed it in the kitchen to let it "melt." According to Fotie, the act of melting cum is a vital part of the drink making process. Basically, once you've harvested your jizz, you have to let it sit in the glass for a few minutes so it loses its lumpy texture and becomes a nice smooth consistency, which makes for the perfect addition to any drink or meal.

Jimmy went in next with his own, clean glass. Two minutes later he came back out and posed a very serious question: "Scarlett Johansson or Hulk Hogan's daughter?" As if it wasn't already clear that ScarJo was the obvious choice. We all waited somewhat patiently for Jimmy to finish, but for some weird reason all the party guests had to pee at the same time—so there was no choice but to go outside. For some reason, the girls chose to piss right in front of the neighbour's kitchen window while he was trying to enjoy their late night smoke and completely weirded him out. When they came back in all they had to say was "This is the classiest night of our lives" with a laugh and high fives for all.

When Jimmy finally emerged from the designated jerk off room we gave him a good pat on the back, and a few hugs. His hair was slick with sweat and he looked all doe-eyed and adorable. "I realized halfway through that I was jerking off with my jacket on and thought 'well this is just plain inconvenient.'"

Last but not least, Bruce strode confidently (maybe too confidently) into the bathroom. On his first try, his girl of choice to beat off to was Jennifer Love Hewitt, which all the girls present responded with a very shocked and confused "really?" But he missed his cup and had to go for round two. We offered him some "help", but he didn't want it, instead he asked for my computer password because it locked itself down (it might be self-aware) halfway through his first wank. Finally, after occupying the bathroom for what felt like forever, he finished twelve minutes into a stream of "Scooby Doo XXX" A porno that I absolutely do not want to watch for fear of permanently damaging some very clean and wholesome childhood memories. When he came out of the bathroom, we greeted him with a very enthusiastic round of applause and hugs, which he deserved for coming twice.

Now that all the semen had been harvested, I passed over my trusty recipe book to drinkmaster Levi. As he stepped into the kitchen to whip up our cum cocktails, armed to the tee with ingredients and liquor, making sure that us girls would have the utmost tastiest semen concoctions sliding down our throats by the time he was done.