Forget “Death and Taxes”, the Only 2 Constants are Armada and the New England Patriots

by H. Hernon

Another year, another January. While notably horrendous for most media releases, January is prime time for one thing: sports. Not only are the NHL, NBA, and WWE in full swing (sports entertainment counts too!), but we get the NFL playoffs and a Melee supermajor. The two biggest stages in their respective sports. This adrenaline pumping action should leave fans guessing: Who could possibly take it all? At the end of this month, who will reign supreme? It could be anyone, right? Wrong. It’s never a mystery. Every January the story is the same. Armada and the New England Patriots.



I’m sick of it. Everyone is sick of it. Maybe not Armada yet, but soon. You can only take so much of the same. Just look at their resumes:



Armada in January:



2nd at Apex 2010

1st at Apex 2012

1st at Apex 2013

2nd at Apex 2015

1st at Genesis 3

Patriots (Belichick and Brady) in January:



10 AFC Championship Games

6 Super Bowl Appearances

4 (Eventual) Super Bowl Wins



This is pure domination, and it’s no surprise why. Armada and the Patriots have in their reigns of terror been inhumanly consistent, infuriatingly efficient and inconceivably elite. Personally, I would also add boring to that list, with both taking on the results-based strategy that gets you, well, results.



Armada’s Fox takes the one of the most seat-of-you-pants characters in video game history and reduces it to the bare necessities. Watching Mango win a set with an off-stage side B (ON PURPOSE DAMMIT) wasn’t just a breath of fresh air, it was a fucking oxygen tank. Having to sit through another Hungrybox/Armada Fox set is slowly killing me, and honestly the latter has more to do with it. I can’t stand watching the guy play, and a lot of it is hard to verbalize, but there’s something so monotonous that his sets at this point. Maybe it’s just that I feel like I know the results already. There’s almost no point in watching when you know what’s going to happen. Genesis 3 was fun because all the storylines fell into place, but so was the underdog Patriots winning Super Bowl XXXVI. Trust me, as a football fan, it gets old.



The Patriots have long used this model as well. Watching them play football just isn’t fun. Short, dink and dunk passes slowly down the field. Methodical and inevitable. Pair that with a shutdown defense that thrives without any big plays, their twenty-one takeaways being the lowest of any playoff team. It’s what they’ve been doing for nearly all of their winning years, excluding one particularly swaggy season thanks to dullness-antidote Randy Moss. NFL fans have vilified this team for over a decade now, partially due to off the field controversy, but I think this may play more of a role than people think. It won’t be long until Armada gets the same treatment.



This isn’t to say that what these two have done isn’t impressive. It most definitely is. But impressive and entertaining are two different things, and often work against each other. Spectators clamor for a change of pace, drama, suspense, a spark of excitement. For years now, these unstoppable forces of the gridiron and CRT have prevented this from happening. Although Mango looked pretty fresh Sunday, and Cam’s got those moves… Fuck it. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. See you guys next year.

