Keepers

Nickname: Szczizzle Kicks

Pros: A keeper in the Jens Lehmann mould, he’s fearless, passionate and all kinds of bat-shit crazy. A fine shot stopper and an even better piano player.

Cons: Showing he might be haunted by the ghost of Manuel Almunia following some ill-advised sojourns out of his area this season.

Little known fact: He once tied a hedgehog to the end of a plank and used it as a weapon against Emmanuel Frimpong after the former midfielder went on another incomprehensible Twitter rant.

Nickname: L’Tap

Pros: Demonstrated fine shot-stopping skills at the World Cup, has a sister married to Real Madrid striker James Rodriguez and has a great ‘OOOOOOOOOSPINA’ chant at goal kicks.

Cons: Appears to have a thigh muscle made out of really cheap bog roll. Looks a bit of a short arse at only 6ft.

Little known fact: An ambassador for the National Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia David hosts coffee mornings at London Colney from a customised tuk tuk nicknamed the ‘Gunner Bean’. Steve Bould is particularly fond of his flat whites.

Nickname: Cambio

Pros: He’s tall (6”4). Yet to break both arms and some evidence that all major muscles groups work.

Cons: Aside from a loan spell at Sheffield Wednesday– 4 clean sheets in 17 games – he has very little first team experience.

Little known fact: If he hadn’t been a footballer he would have pursued a career in science. Before he joined Arsenal he had been accepted at the prestigious Institute of Future Technology (IFT) in Buenos Aires to study under renowned professors Dr Eme Marrón and Biffez Tannen.

Defence

Nickname: Le Mohawk Cassé

Pros: Experienced right-back who loves to bite into challenges and bomb up the wing.

Cons: Enjoys a yellow card and has a propensity to trip on invisible landmines at the Emirates.

Little known fact: Alan Pardew’s insistence on cracking ‘Pass Debuchy on the left hand side’ gags grew so obsessive that it was the only thing he’d say in his pre-match team talk. Even when Mathieu wasn’t playing.

Nickname: Taco (Bell)

Pros: Educated at La Masia, he’s technically astute and quicker than a greyhound on rollerblades. Has a volume-tastic quiff.

Cons: Like Chambers he’s still learning his trade at the top level. Could possibly do with another loan spell.

Little known fact: Planning for life after football Hector, along with close friend Troy McClure, has opened a very popular health resort in southern Spain called ‘El Rancho Relaxo’.

Nickname: Baby Cham

Pros: Young, quick and intelligent on the ball, he’s versatile enough to play at right-back, centre-back and (apparently) in midfield.

Cons: He’s still learning his trade and is prone to the occasional positional lapse.

Little known fact: Calum was once part of an amateur boyband called ‘The Apostles’ made up entirely of Southampton Academy prospects. They disbanded in 2011 after a back stage row at the X-Factor live shows about the direction of their neo-punk troubadour Westlife covers.

Nickname: Der Ent

Pros: Unflappable centre-half, great on the ball, positioning and reading of the game unrivaled. Funny guy too. Enjoys the odd Arseblog post.

Cons: Not likely to win a sprint against Usain Bolt. Or Usain Murphy, the one-legged sheep farmer from Ballyhaunis, but still. Also seems incomplete without a fully fit Koscielny beside him.

Little known fact: His father was a serious gambler who, unfortunately, didn’t know when to hold ’em or when to fold ’em. Per has never made a bet in his life.

Nickname: Le Bart Jeune

Pros: Quick, aggressive defender who gets a few goals. Has formed a fantastic partnership with Der Ent.

Cons: Picks up a few too many red cards, gives away a few too many penalties, and has a pair of Achilles tendons that resemble old elastic bands.

Little known fact: He once headed a wall and the wall fell down and they tried to rebuild the wall but they couldn’t because the wall was broken.

Nickname: Chef

Pros: Tall, powerful centre-half. Full of youthful vim and vigour.

Cons: Pretty inexperienced. That’s all we know at this point.

Little known fact: Has a rare eye disorder similar to colour-blindness but every time he sees a squirrel it looks like a mongoose. So far it has not hindered his football career.

Nickname: No BeeGee

Pros: Developing into a very solid left-back who can get forward, provide attacking threat and score goals.

Cons: Unfortunately it seems his muscles are made of old meat squeezed together by an unpleasant farmer and wrapped in a gossamer thin sausage skin before being pounded with bats by angry shepherds.

Little known fact: Served three months in a Chinese prison in 2004 when he was found guilty of punching a panda in the tits on a school tour.

Nickname: El Agacharito

Pros: Experienced defender, more adapted now to English football.

Cons: Being asked to play in an unfamiliar position isn’t doing him any favours.

Little known fact: Due to a genetic deformity can grow Périgord truffles between his toes. Boro Primorac describes them as ‘delicious but perhaps a bit salty’.

Midfield

Nickname: The Mop

Pros: A big influence in the dressing room, he’s the leader the players love to love. Not bad from the penalty spot. Quality passer.

Cons: Could it be that his hair is too thick and lustrous? Legs feeling the effects of time, sadly.

Little known fact: He is unable to eat bananas before 2pm.

Nickname: Welsh Jesus

Pros: FA Cup winning goal scoring, super-quiffed, handsome Welsh bloke. Can walk on water and turn water into wine which means he can walk on wine. Beat that, son of God!

Cons: Dare we say a touch injury prone? Struggling to recapture his form of last season but it’s still early days.

Little known fact: His public persona of slightly dull bloke is just that. At parties he’s absolutely mental and at one soiree put a lampshade on his head and said ‘Look everyone, I’m a lamp!’

Nickname: Exclamation Mark!

Pros: The best homegrown player to come out of the Arsenal Academy since Liam Brady, he’s tenacious, driven, tidy on the ball and has the vision of a cat wearing night vision goggles.

Cons: Still unable to nail down a fixed position. Is he a DM? A deep-lying AM? A number 10? A false regista? A curly 9? Nobody knows.

Little known fact: His favourite member of the A-Team was H.M “Howling Mad” Murdock and he doesn’t care for Hannibal at all as he dislikes the smell of cigars.

Nickname: Tom Strum

Pros: Dynamic and direct on the ball he’s capable of picking up the pace of a game in the blink of an eye.

Cons: Despite his football age being 21, he’s getting on a bit and in the twilight of his career. Not getting much game time at the moment and frustrated by it.

Little known fact: He has a pet lion called John.

Nickname: Alexander Mark David Oxlade-Chamberlain (to his mates)

Pros: Young, gifted, quick, skillful and has all the other attributes of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (except the shell).

Cons: Like Wilshere nobody quite knows where or what his best position is. Also looks like Rachel from Suits (thank us later as you can never look at her the same way again).

Little known fact: Hired Banksy to decorate his house but felt he didn’t get value for money when all he found was a stencil of a squirrel smoking a joint railing against corporations and big government.

Nickname: Nemö

Pros: A masterful, quick-witted number 10 with a chance creation ability unmatched anyone in the Premier League. Nationality and religious beliefs annoy the Daily Mail considerably.

Cons: Doesn’t enjoy being played as a winger, in the worst form of his life. Banjaxed.

Little known fact: Loves dogs. Has two pugs, a spaniel, a Tibetan mastif and the DNA of a Dinodog preserved in amber. He’s simply waiting for technology to catch up.

Nickname: The nosey mole

Pros: Alive.

Cons: Gets brushed off like dandruff this season. Maybe has some balance issues.

Little known fact: Is a big fan of space and last year was involved in an experiment in which a video of him dressed as Harvey Keitel dancing to Club Tropica was beamed by radar to a solar system 42 light years away

Nickname: Bob Balsa

Pros: All his limbs are still attached. Just.

Cons: Career ruined through injury.

Little known fact: He is both a devout muslim and a devotee of muslin, the world’s favourite loosely woven cotton fabric.

Nickname: Mighty Mouse

Pros: Technically gifted, great with both feet, works hard, gives hope to all short, barrel-shaped men that a career in professional football is possible.

Cons: Seems to have forgotten how to score.

Little known fact: Turned down the chance to be in a remake of Honey I Shrunk The Kids as he didn’t want to be typecast.

Nickname: Unbalz

Pros: Now an experienced midfielder with the versatility to play in either full back position.

Cons: Arsene rarely seems inclined to get his Coq out these days.

Little known fact: For some reason his Opta heat-map data always shows up in the shape of the Millenium Falcon.

Forwards

Nickname: #hashtag

Pros: A left foot that could smash a ball up Superman’s arse, great delivery and quality finishing. Hilarious japester. Loves it at the Arsenal. Instragram guru.

Cons: Appears not to have the trust of Arsene Wenger, plays very little.

Little known fact: #there #isn’t #one #when #a #guy #shares #every #bit #of #his #life #on #social #media.

Nickname: The Scotch Bonnet

Pros: Insatiable appetite for closing down defenders, small in stature but aggressive in the tackle and tricky on the ball. He’s a world class talent with a knack for goals.

Cons: It’s a shame he’s not Godzilla sized.

Little known fact: Once had a keepy-up-off with the old bloke who does keepy-ups on the Ramblas in Barcelona. Alexis served him so good the old bloke went off, bought some face paint and now stands stock-still dressed as a civil war soldier. He has never kicked a ball again.

Nickname: DAT Guy (because of his penchant for the Digital Audio Tape format on which he stores all his Semisonic LPs)

Pros: Experienced, strong and super quick he’s a channel runner capable of stretching any defence.

Cons: Yet to prove he can score week in, week out in the Premier League. Good chance he won’t celebrate a goal against Manchester united.

Little known fact: As well as being the star in a series of Man United training videos for their youth team, he wrote, directed and starred in a remake of Big Trouble in Little China featuring Luke Chadwick in the Kim Cattrall role.

Nickname: The Timid Whippet

Pros: Fast as lightning, finishing, control and movement improving regularly. Does scare defences.

Cons: Just coming back from a serious injury, will that affect his pace which is such a huge part of his game?

Little known fact: Used the time he was out injured to write another book, but publishers are concerned that ‘TJ and the overwhelming dark cloud of misery and self-doubt’ won’t appeal to a mass audience

Nickname: The False Depardieu

Pros: A strong, handsome striker who was top scorer last season. Good against most opposition. Is handsome.

Cons: Struggles against the biggest teams, currently broken, not the quickest.

Little known fact: His people recently tried to trademark the finger waggle of intense discomfort. Thrown out of court by Judge Esteban Gloria-Esteban.

Nickname: Haulin’ Oats

Pros: Tall, young, seems quite nimble, name is good for rhyming and stuff.

Cons: Lacks one vital quality any striker needs – the ability to score goals. Sort of like a keeper with no hands.

Little known fact: For many years believed Madagascar to be a made-up land until a chance meeting with Ben Stiller put him straight.

Nickname: The Wichita Lineman

Pros: A willing student who appreciates the need to be patient, he’s improved his all-round game after three loan spells demonstrating his potential in last year’s Champions League against Manchester United and in the World Cup.

Cons: Prone to over elaborating on the ball. No idea if he can cut the mustard in England.

Little known fact: Earlier this year Joel was crowned Costa Rica’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’ champion wowing judges with mesmeric hips during his Cha Cha routine.

Nickname: Fabric

Pros: Built like a bull, the young German has exceptionally quick feet and a great turn of pace.

Cons: Appears to have developed an injury habit and spent six months sidelined in 2014.

Little known fact: Serge was nearly selected as the baby to grace Nirvana’s critically acclaimed album ‘Nevermind’ only to be born four years too late.