Nowadays, any simple puto with a labtop, a Youtube channel and a microphone can become a rapper. Sometimes, these kids don’t even have a microphone; all they need is an iPhone or an Android with a dope recorder and their rap careers are set! For all the incredible music out there, there is a lot of garbage because the standards of recording music has dropped immensely. Just look at all the Soulja Boys running the airwaves and the “CoCo” chanting going on at the clubs. I’m not trying to hate on these knuckle heads, because honestly, I’m a knuckle head with a ridiculous dream of rapping too. When I was a young child in the mean streets of North East Calgary, all I ever dreamed about was picking up the microphone one day and rapping with the legends I admired. After school, I’d rush home to watch the latest episode of Arthur because that was my shit! I was a kid. But when I’d be watching Rap City or Da Mix on Much Music, I would change from a simple child to a Hip-Hop possessed zombie. My parents hated me listening to Rap Music, but they especially hated me watching it’s explicit music videos. Anytime I would bump Rap, I would lock myself in my room and would snap if anybody knocked on the door and interrupted the world I would escape to. There was a time I didn’t even have headphones and I would press my ear against the TV or stereo like a maniac. Maybe that’s why I’m deaf in my left ear! I was obsessed. To be completely honest, I wouldn’t even listen to the lyrics or the beats. I was too busy being trapped in imagination: I was the person making the music and living life like rappers do! If anybody could see the disturbing scenarios and plans I would make my head when listening to Rap, they’d think I was seriously mentally ill. And to this day, I still listen to Hip-Hop in this unhealthy manner. When To Pimp A Butterfly came out, I imagined for 2 months straight I was the mutha fucka in the studio making this classic until I snapped out of it and actually listened to the album. I could never make anything close to perfect like Kendrick Lamar’s modern classic and I’m definitely no Kendrick Lamar; I never will be. Yeah, I can write a few disses and string together a few rhymes; I was the King of MSN Chat! But I am no where near as dedicated to the Emcees I admire!

Despite my bitter realization as an adult I will never be a great Emcee, I still have that dream living inside me. I love stand up comedy. It opened me up and made me who I am. The years I put into comedy let that kid full of fear and fantasies become his own person and reality: Marito Lopez the comedian. Stand Up Comedy helped me create the person I’ve always wanted to be: confindent and funny; but the truth is, I’m a recovering alcoholic, and the bar and liquor atmospheres comedy brings me to is too dangerous for me right now. I had a year and half being sober in Toronto, but my obsession with doing comedy every night made me lose sight of how important my sobriety is. 2 and half months ago, I decided to stop relapsing and finally get help. Prior to entering my millionth Detox Center and Rehab Facility, I was doing pretty amazing things with incredible comedians I admire in Toronto. Even though I was drinking again, I was doing what I loved, and it wasn’t stand up: it was Hip-Hop. Jhanelle Dennis, Aisha Brown, Mark James Heath and I started recording podcasts where we talked about classic Hip Hop albums, launched a Hip-Hop blog/online magazine, and we successfully produced multiple Hip-Hop Story Telling comedy shows at the Comedy Bar in Toronto. It was beautiful. Most importantly, we decided to take it a step further and record our own rap song. Although it started off as a sloppy freestyle at a 3am hotel party in Toronto, “Baby Dick” became my dream of becoming a rapper turning into reality. I got Pino Russo, my supervisor at the juice bar I worked at, to produce a track for us. I showed my crew, and being the talented as fuck artists they are, we immediately wrote a hook and got to working on the verses. When we felt the writing was done, we drove up to Resolve Studios in Mississauga and we recorded the song. It was $40 dollars an hour to record but it was worth it because we learned about layering vocals, mastering and engineering a track, and most importantly, I felt like Diddy making our vision come to life in the studio.

But as I said, I relapsed, and our podcast, the comedy shows, the blogs, and “Baby Dick” were in an awful limbo. My team was determined though and they continued to do work as I was getting better in rehab. I love their hustle and their talents. I couldn’t ask for a better team. And when I got out of rehab (that’s a fucked up thing to say,) they welcomed me back with open arms and we got back to work like nothing was stopping our dream. And now, two and a half months after it looked like “Baby Dick” would be shelved forever, we made a lyric video for the song and put it on Youtube. Also, we are in the process of creating an EP full of more comedy rap songs. And although we are just comedians who are rapping, we are staying true to the elements of Hip-Hop: dope rhymes, dope beats, what more could you ask for? Mark James Heath is not only one of the best comedians in Canada, but he is also an incredibly talented Emcee and spoken word artist, who’s originally from Chicago! Aisha Brown and Jhanelle Dennis aren’t only two of the fastest rising comedians in Toronto, but they can also sing their asses off and rap the gigantic ass off of Nicki Minaj. Also, they’re both from Scarborough, bitches! And the newest addition to our team, the businessman, Kweku Winful will knock the fuck out of Stephen Harper and Donald Trump if he has to. And me, I’m not doing stand up comedy at the moment. A few gigs here and there, but thanks to “Baby Dick” and the marriage between Hip-Hop and comedy, I’m finally able to give the kid I used to be the dream he always wanted. Enjoy.

Written By: Marito Lopez tha god