Ernest Cline Nerd Porn Auteur Lyrics

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any p___o movies

that are made for guys like me.



All the p___ I've come across

was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males

Men who like their women stupid and submissive

Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic c___-hungry nymphos

with gargantuan b______ and a three-word vocabulary



Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected

liposuctioned women

Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation

in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.



These aren't real women. They're objects.

And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.

These vacuum-headed f___ bunnies don't turn me on.

They disgust me.

And it's not that I'm against p___ography.

I mean, I'm a guy. And guys need p___.

Fact.

"Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,"

Guys need p___.



But I don't wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater p___.

I want p___o movies that are made with guys like me in mind:

Guys who know that the s__iest thing in the world

is a woman who is smarter than you are.



You can have the whole cheerleading squad,

I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:

Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.

Oh yes.

First I want to copy her Trig homework,

and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her

for hours and hours

until she reluctantly asks if we can stop

because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.

Summa c__ laude, baby!

That is what I call erotic.



But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?

No.

Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek p___o.

I shall be the quintessential Nerd p___ Auteur.

And the women in my p___o movies will be the kind

that drive nerds like me mad with desire.



I'm talking about the girls that used to f___ up the grading curve.

The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.

Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.

Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses

and chips on their shoulders.



My p___ starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.

My p___ starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.



In my kind of p___o movies the girls wouldn't even have to get naked.

They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and

beat them repeatedly at chess

and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle

or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.



Buy stock in some hand cream companies

because there is about to be a major shortage.



And I'm not just talking about straight p___. Oh no.

There should be f___ films for my nerd brethren

of all s__ual orientations.

Gay nerd p___ flicks with t__les like "Dungeons and Drag-queens."



This idea is a f___ing gold mine.

I am gonna make millions,

because this country is full of database programmers

and electronics engineers

and they aren't getting the loving they so desperately need.

And you can help . . .



If you're an intelligent woman who is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,

and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet,

then you are hired.



It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.

It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.

You are beautiful. . .

And I will make you a star.



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