The president* went to Montana on Thursday night to pump up further Bob Woodward's book sales and, apparently, to try out some fairly new material.

Just remember that I'm going to protect your Social Security. We're going to take care of your Social Security. Matt Rosendale is going to make sure we're not touching your Social Security and Medicare is only going one way that's stronger they're going to end up taking it away from you and you won't even know what happened and on top of that you're going to pay more tax.

I don't know where he's going with this. Even my Madman-to-Sanity app gets confused because it has collected all those Republicans who have said that, because of the devastating effect of that abomination of a tax bill, we are going to have to "study" the "effects" on the federal budget of "entitlement programs." Then, the app ate itself and began running Disney movies to calm us both down.

But you know I've only run once and that was the president and I won. How did that happen right. I won one lot of people who spent their lives trying to be president we know them all. Some we respect and some we don't respect too much. But Ronnie Jackson, he's a doctor. He's an admiral. He's actually the doctor that gave me my physical and he said that I'm in great shape.

You have to watch any public speaker who lapses into Billy Joel lyrics this way. "Ronnie Jackson/He's A Doctor/He's an Admiral/He gives me my drinks for free..."

They write more books now. I have books stacked up this high. Actually the ones that are really good are number one, two and three on the bestsellers list. Right? The ones .. the really good ones are by justice, you know, I call her justice. She’s judge, but she’s justice to me, Jeannine. We love her.

He's going to make Pirro the next Attorney General. Lindsey Graham may never get over it.

NICHOLAS KAMM Getty Images

And you take that, and you do … You’re going to have a country that is going to turn into a third world country. Because if the opposite party becomes president, every time before he even starts, before you’ve even found out whether or not he or she is going to do a great job, they’ll say ‘We want to impeach them!’ and you’ll impeach them. It’s so ridiculous … But! We’ll worry about that if it ever happens. But if it does happen, it’s your fault, ‘cause you didn’t go out to vote.

You are responsible for me, you ridiculous bunch of hay-shaking yahoos.

He took the horse and carriage up from the White House. He wrote it partially in that carriage and partially at a desk in the Lincoln bedroom, which is incredible by the way, in the White House. And he went up to Gettysburg and … he delivered that speech. The Gettysburg Address. And he was excoriated, by the fake news. They had fake news then. He was excoriated. They said it was a terrible, terrible speech. They said it was far too short...Fifty years after his death they said it may have been the greatest speech ever made in America. I have a feeling that's going to happen with us. In different ways, that's going to happen with us."

Let's tote 'em up, shall we? Lincoln took a train to Gettysburg. He wrote it on the train and touched it up in his hotel room in town before delivering it. It got some bad reviews, mostly from newspapers that wanted to settle the war in such a way that we'd all need passports to get to Spring Training now. Edward Everett, the featured speaker that day, wrote to Lincoln, saying, "I should be glad, if I could flatter myself that I came as near to the central idea of the occasion, in two hours, as you did in two minutes."

I don't know. I liked his earlier, funnier material better.

Also, too: "Anominush." How does it work, anyway?

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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