By CCN.com: A charity auction is underway and lunch with Warren Buffett is up for grabs. The latest bid reportedly topped $3.5 million. There’s a sick irony in that Warren Buffett himself would tell that bidder not to waste his money on such a lousy investment.

Don’t Overpay for Lunch with Warren Buffett

After all, Warren Buffett shares all of his wisdom frequently. There’s no secret to be learned from him over lunch.

Excesses in philanthropy are never bad things. Yet that $3.5 million could be invested in ways that would enhance its charitable value, and even Warren Buffett would probably approve.

The Safe Way to Invest That Money

The conservative long-term approach would be to drop that $3.5 million into a broadly diversified, long-term portfolio in the stock market, real estate, and bonds but with a heavy allocation toward alternative investments. Uncle Warren Buffett would probably like this approach.

Alternative investments that are not correlated with the broader market help to stabilize and reduce risk.

That includes about 0.5% allocated toward highly speculative, dopey, hype-driven vapor like bitcoin.

Get Aggressive with that Bankroll

A more aggressive plan would be to use the same long-term diversified approach but with a heavier weighting toward small-cap value stocks (like my favorite, CURO Group Holdings), emerging markets, precious metals, collectibles, and highly speculative, dopey, hype-driven vapor like bitcoin.

This would mean less allocation toward insanely overvalued large-caps in the stock market. With the stock market at its third most expensive in history, now is not the time to throw money at it.

The Armageddon Investment Attack

If an investor wants to get really aggressive with that $3.5 million and forego baked Alaska with Warren Buffett, he’d not only take the more aggressive approach just mentioned but open a hefty number of short positions.

Those short positions would be on the entire S&P 500, NASDAQ 100, and Chinese stocks. Companies in China are notoriously opaque, and doing business over there comes with hidden risks. It makes for a fine, if aggressive, short opportunity.

One would also short Tesla and hold fast, knowing Tesla will one day be bought out at much lower prices.

Or Blow It in the Casino Called Bitcoin

One would not invest in highly speculative, dopey hype-driven vapor like bitcoin – because it’s not an investment. It’s a casino. However, one could buy some bitcoin and play day-trader to try and capture gains with a rigorous trading strategy.

Alternatively, one could just go play craps in Las Vegas and have a better chance of not losing as much as one is likely to lose trading bitcoin.

Or one could just donate that $3.5 million to charity and gift the Warren Buffett lunch to a bitcoin speculator to set him straight. That would truly be charitable.