breaking up is like quitting smoking.

there are withdrawal symptoms involved and you crave your next fix. i’ve learned to use this understanding of withdrawal symptoms to help make break-ups more manageable.

when you are with someone you love, your body starts releasing the “feel good” hormones (oxytocin and dopamine). he touches you, kisses you, hugs you. oxytocin and dopamine are released. you make love and/or have sex. a rush of endorphins flood your system. these hormones mitigate the effects of stress and you feel a sense of calm.

so…you break-up.

suddenly, your supply of oxytocin and dopamine go away. you are left significantly below your baseline. your tolerance level was increased through months or years of love, care and affection. additionally, the stress of the break-up elevates your stress hormones (cortisol and epinephrine).

your body initiates the fight-or-flight syndrome. normally, this would be okay, but prolonged levels of stress can cause adverse side effects:

– your blood pressure goes up

– your heart is constantly racing

– you feel a tightness in your chest

– your immunity goes down

– you experience flu-like symptoms

– you can’t eat because blood flow has been diverted to your vital organs

– you feel nauseated

– you want to throw up

– you can’t sleep because your epinephrine levels are elevated

sound familiar?

so what do you do…

– you cut contact so that your levels don’t get replenished from an unreliable source

– surround yourself with a reliable source of “feel good” hormones and reconnect with family and friends who love you

– let them hug you so that you can increase your oxytocin and dopamine levels

– you can increase your endorphin levels by working out

– don’t place yourself in solitude because it exaggerates the effects of the break-up

– breathe so you can lower your blood pressure

– drink more water

– laugh

– watch happy movies

– listen to happy songs

– meditate and release your stress so that you can lower your cortisol and epinephrine levels

– don’t try to get a quick fix by contacting him

remind yourself of why you both ended the relationship. he couldn’t understand you. whenever he thought he was giving you what you needed, he did so in a begrudging manner. he misconstrued your form of love as neediness and selfishness. he was unhappy in the process of trying to make you happy. your mere presence was a source of stress. you stopped feeling like yourself. all your actions were controlled by his constantly fluctuating moods. you lost yourself. you questioned all of your actions. you questioned the relationship. he never tried to get close to your family or friends. he wasn’t reliable. he wasn’t accessible. everything was on his terms. each time you tried to share your feelings, they were treated as figments of your imagination…it really didn’t happen THAT way. when he acts like he is listening, all the things you say get used against you as additional support to show you how wrong you really are. you feel like he had a self-fulfilling prophecy and did everything to prove to himself, “yeah, i knew she would react that way” or “yeah, i knew this was going to happen.” he stops visiting you and rationalizes it by saying it was your fault. he says he is not supportive anymore because it’s your fault. everything becomes your fault and they can’t completely admit to their role in the break-up.

later on you can start thinking of the good things, but only when your withdrawal symptoms have completely gone away. after all, things weren’t all THAT BAD if you had a committed relationship. but what is most important now is for you to be healthy again. remember yourself.

quit smoking. cold turkey.

remind yourself about the things you wanted before the relationship:

– you want to quit smoking

– you want to start working out again

– you want to explore the arts

– you want to reconnect with family and friends

– you want to raise your children in a healthy environment

– you want to have a healthy and active lifestyle

– you want to learn salsa

– you want to perform at an open mic session

– you want to take a singing class

– you want to learn guitar

– you want to start gardening

– you want to fix your house and make it pretty again

– you want to love yourself

eventually…you can find someone that can love you for exactly the way you are. with all your quirks, nuances and craziness. and they will see them as endearing, as strengths, as compliments to their own life. you can find a partner in life.

when you meet a guy, don’t settle for a status of “you are just talking.” let them know what you really want. tell them that you want a partner for life. you want to grow old with someone. you want to build a happy home. you want to live a full life. and you want to find someone that wants exactly the same thing and would like to share his life with you.

don’t compromise your life. don’t compromise yourself. you are worth more than that.

you are worth being courted, romanced, cared for, supported, cherished, adored, and loved. you deserve your happily ever after…and more. don’t be afraid to pursue those dreams. dont’ be afraid to admit that you want someone to get down on their knees, profess their love to you and tell you that they can’t imagine spending their life with anyone else but you.

don’t ever think that your dreams are unrealistic, childish, naive, or over-the-top. if you are honest with love and with yourself…you know the kind of love you have to give in return. so give yourself fully when someone comes along and offers themselves up to you. keep your eyes, arms and heart open to love.

there is a special person out there for everyone…including you.

it’s okay. you are going to get through this.