Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

My husband and I are ethically non-monogamous. We regularly attend on-premise swinger clubs and play with other couples together. Unlike most of our swinger friends, however, Hubby and I both enjoy playing solo. We each have a Tinder account and sometimes I get a kick out of running his. I like swiping right on attractive women and chatting them up. I’m the ultimate wing-wife.

For both of us, sex is better when you know someone. Chemistry is important, but without trust and friendship, the sex isn’t as fulfilling somehow. We describe it as a friend with benefits situation with an emphasis on the friends part.

Right now, I’m looking for a new friend with benefits, since my boyfriend has decided to try monogamy with a new girlfriend. Hubby has someone he’s been dating for a few months, but she will soon be moving away. We’ve reactivated our Tinder accounts to aid in the search for new, interesting people. Here’s what I learned by swiping on both of our accounts.

1. The problem for men is a lack of supply.

I know this may not come as a surprise to many of you, but men have a harder time just getting a match on a dating app, to say nothing of engaging in conversation. Many of the profiles that men do match with are fake profiles aimed at getting men to sign up for a website. If the profile seems suspicious, and the woman responds to you instantly upon matching, it’s probably too good to be true.

This is not exclusive to my husband, I’ve surveyed every man I’ve matched with on Tinder, and heard the same story. There just aren’t enough real women swiping right these days.

2. Men aren’t the only ones with a supply problem.

The problem for women is that you need body armor and a club to weed through the trash that will pop up on your Tinder. This is especially true for women that have a reference to non-monogamy on their profiles. I do because I like to be upfront about my situation. The number of men who match with me and then randomly ask me to come to their house is ridiculous. I’m slutty, not stupid. I recently added, “Open, but not easy” to my profile. The verdict is still out on the impact of that particular phrase.

Once you do get through the mannerless men, the rest separate into two groups. Group one is full of men who are funny, and charismatic, a joy to converse with, but take a while to ask for a date. I get that they are trying to be respectful, but I have a husband, a career, a pile of kids, and some salacious writing to do! Let’s not waste too much time on the texting game.

The second group is even worse. If a conversation is dragging on for days, I have no problem being the first to propose a drink. The second group contains the men who are only interested in what positions you like, and what you look like naked. Isn’t the best part of sexual variety figuring out what your partners enjoy in person? Let’s not ruin the exploration by giving away all the lascivious details in advance. And about the pictures, if I want a dick pic, I promise, I will ask. If I don’t ask it’s probably because I’m not interested. And no, you may not see my bits…yet.

3. For women, safety is hard to guarantee.

I could have added this to the above section, but it’s so important that it warrants a separate section. Ladies, even when you follow all the “Safety tips” on Tinder (they’re hidden in your settings, under community) it’s still not enough. Tinder advises against sharing financial information, personal phone numbers, moving to a separate messaging format, long-distance relationships, and urges users to report suspicious behavior-which includes those bots we talked about in number 1. They also go through safety for when you decide to meet someone. The problem? First, this safety guide is quite hidden on the app. I imagine that many users never see it. Second, some people are crazy, and even crazy people can pretend to be sane for a short amount of time.

Thanks to an experience that could have been incredibly dangerous for me, Hubby and I changed our rules. If I’m meeting someone new, he comes along. There are plenty of men who aren’t bothered by this, and those that are, well, I think we are probably filtering out some of the crazy.

4. Men, honesty is the best policy.

At first, my husband thought that putting ethical non-monogamy on his profile would kill his chances. The problem with that mentality is that when he did match with someone and decide to share our rules the women would inevitably decide they wanted nothing to do with him. Many of them would have preferred that he was cheating on his wife than that I knew what was going on. This seems completely counterintuitive to me.

Once my husband put ethical non-monogamy on his profile he got fewer hits. Those he did match with were a better fit. They had already read that he was ethically non-monogamous and that he was married, and they still swiped right. The women he’s matched with have not only been ok with our non-monogamous arrangement, but it has also been exactly what they were looking for at the time too.

5. What about profile photos and privacy?

For men, not putting up a picture of your face on your profile is just about the same thing as not opening a Tinder account at all. For women, if the profile says ethically non-monogamous it doesn’t matter what your pictures look like.

The problem with profile pictures is that, as swingers, we like to maintain a certain level of privacy and discretion. I don’t want to know what the other parents on the PTA think of my lifestyle choices. Thankfully, Tinder thought in advance about partners who were non-monogamous, ethically or not. if you pay for a membership, you can change your profile settings so that the only people who see you are people you have already swiped on. So, when my husband came across one of my best friends on Tinder he was sure to swipe left

6. What about when it comes to setting a date?

Both Hubby and I have a policy of not chatting too long with potential partners before setting a time to meet. Our time is limited and we don’t want to invest a lot in a situation that lacks chemistry. Figuring out when to ask for coffee or a drink date is more complicated for men. Ask too soon, and the woman may deem you too pushy, wait too long and you end up as a pocket friend-good for texting, and not much else. Anytime a woman pitches a date to someone she’s chatting with on a dating app the hardest part will be scheduling it.

Hubby has a date with someone new set for tonight. I’m hoping that she is as into our deal as his previous girlfriend. I’ve yet to set something up, though I’m chatting with a few people who are contenders. I’ll be sure to let you know how our search goes.

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