I plan to continue my life as normal. If the Founding Fathers had not packed into Independence Hall, to write on flammable parchment, then where would our liberties be? I understand that this situation is different: I am on fire, whereas they were not. But if we begin to act as though we are on fire, we would be letting the fire win.

Besides, I care a great deal about this bar. Without patrons, what would become of it? No, I hear you: I am “on fire” or whatever, and for some reason people don’t want that indoors. But I am giving them the gift of my presence. Now, not later, when I am not on fire any longer and will not inflame anyone else. This is St. Paddy’s Day!

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Last time I checked, freedom of assembly was my right! Are you saying that just because I am “on fire” I should not exercise my rights? Firearms are clearly protected by the Second Amendment, and my arms are certainly on fire. On fire, or not on fire, I have a right to be here, indoors, with you. Am I endangering others? Well, you know what would be endangering others (metaphorically)? Me, choosing not to endanger others, literally!

No, I know my rights. They are written here in this copy of the Constitution, which I am holding and which has now just gone up in flames. But I am certain they are there.

Pack in, please, everyone. We will show the fire who is boss. If we alter anything about our routine, from an abundance of caution, we will be showing that America can be cowed. That is why I am choosing — on behalf of myself and everyone else in this bar — to be here. I didn’t stop going out after 9/11. Why should I stop going out now, when I am on fire? Those are two totally identical situations, and I will take no further questions.

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Look, I know it’s “not safe” and I am “endangering not just my own life but also the lives of others.” But hey, life is risk, right? We don’t give up crossing the street simply because there’s a chance of being hit by a car. Why should we choose not to pack into public places when we are literally ablaze? Could it be because there is something different about these situations that makes the analogy less than perfect? No, it could not.

You may say that, for most people, the most important thing is not to be on fire and that, indeed, many people prefer to be that way all the time. But I think there are other, intangible things that are even more important, like that feeling I have drinking a shot of Fireball Whisky while literally on fire. Hashtag #WorthIt.

America has faced Great Depressions and Recessions and World Wars — and during those crises people did not stop, drop or roll. Who really believes that those situations were different from this one? Not me. No, I will bear up. I will show this fire who is boss by refusing to alter my routine. I will continue to hug others and draw them close. There is nothing kinder I can do, although I am (as stated) on fire.

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Ordinarily, I do not scream “FIRE” and rush to dunk my whole body in water. Why should I change that routine now, simply because I am on fire? It might cause people to panic. That is the last thing we need. The ones who ought to feel ashamed are the people pointing at me and shouting “FIRE!” in this crowded restaurant! Boy will they look silly later, when they see how they have overreacted! In fact, they look a little silly now, running frantically away, while I sit here, steadily ablaze.

I am not going to decrease the amount of oxygen I am giving myself, to spite this fire. I deserve every ounce of oxygen. I should have mentioned: I am perfectly content to die in a fire, and surely everyone else feels equally blasé about this prospect! I hope I am not wrong about that; I just lit 17 other people ablaze while pushing through the crowd to order another round.

There is nothing more American than making choices for other people, I think. I have chosen to be on fire, and I hope everyone I come into contact with will be equally fine making the same choice. If not, it is too late!

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I am sorry that you are now on fire, having stood too near me in the course of this diatribe. I have made my choice: It is more important that we carry on as normal.

Sorry you didn’t get to choose.

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