I’m going to the inauguration in DC this week. What should I wear?

Rose, by email

Something waterproof, obviously. What? I was referring to DC’s famously poor winter weather. Look what happened to William Henry Harrison when he didn’t wear weather-appropriate clothes at his inauguration – the man died nine days later! So honestly, I was just thinking about everyone’s good health and in no way making some cheap reference to #watersportsgate (the only -gate this column accepts).

So! You’re going to the inauguration, Rose. Well, I don’t think you’ll have trouble getting a seat, put it that way. Despite a lifetime of desperation to be near celebrities, a desperation that has resulted in him appearing in such classy fare as Home Alone 2 and being a guest at QVC’s Oscars party in 2011 alongside Kim Kardashian, Trump is now insisting, from his gold-plated Manhattan penthouse, that he doesn’t care about those elites.

“The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all wanting tickets to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING. I want the PEOPLE!” he tweeted last month, sounding adorably like a seven-year-old who didn’t actually want any of those people he begged to come to his birthday party to turn up. He totally planned all along to celebrate with two teddy bears, a set of Lego and his mother.

And, indeed, Trump proceeded to prove how little he cares about these A-listers by tweeting about how many more people watched him on The Celebrity Apprentice compared with its new host, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Keeping it real for the PEOPLE there.

Anyway, the team around Trump continues to use language in a way that the pigs in Animal Farm can only admire. The head of his inaugural committee, Tom Barrack, said last week that they don’t need any celebrities because “we have the greatest celebrity in the world … ”

… MADONNA?!

“Which is the president-elect.” Oh. “So what we’ve done, instead of trying to surround him with what people consider A-listers, is we are going to surround him with the soft sensuality of the place. It’s a much more poetic cadence than having a circus-like celebration that’s a coronation.”

Wait. You’re going to have to run that by me again: “We are going to surround him with the soft sensuality of the place.”

I’m sorry, have you ever been to DC? I have, many times, and let me tell you, of all the adjectives that come to mind when I think of the place (“clean”, “white”, “clean”), “soft sensuality” does not appear very high in the list. In fact, I genuinely don’t think anyone has sex in that city (too dirty, too little possibility of politics chat.) So the tactic seems to be, instead of surrounding Trump with people, he will instead be surrounded by air, which is totally what I’m going to say to waiters when they give me grief about dining on my own.

“What, you’re eating by yourself?”

“Instead of trying to surround myself with what people consider to be other people I’ve decided to surround myself with the soft sensuality of the restaurant. Can’t you see the poetic cadence?”

Anyway! There is, amazingly, a point to all this, and that is to suggest you try to match this mood board by looking for clothes that convey soft sensuality and poetic cadences. I’m seeing a very Stevie Nicks look here, all flowing sleeves and sheer materials. Honestly, I can’t think of a better look to celebrate this incoming administration than one associated with a band known for self-destruction and in-fighting.

But you must sort your look out fast, Rose, because Trump has said that his inauguration is going to be so popular that “all the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s hard to find a great dress for this inauguration.” Now, you’ll never believe this, but some DC stores have cast doubt on this claim (“We have a wonderful assortment of dresses and gowns,” Bloomingdale’s, a US department store with two locations in DC, has said), but doubtless that is just fake news from the elites, or something something word salad something.

The person who really needs to get a move on is Melania Trump. Some Trump supporters have criticised those designers, such as Tom Ford and Marc Jacobs, who have said they won’t give clothes to her. I must have missed the part in the constitution where it says fashion designers are obliged to give free clothes to the president’s wife, even if she is married to a man who appoints a raging homophobe as his VP, a man who objects to everything about these designers’ lives.

But never mind Marc and Tom, I honestly reckon a bit of Stevie Nicks fringing would suit Melania a treat. A little dancing across the stage, waving her shawl and shouting in Don’s face: “You can go your own way.”

For once, I think Melania would be speaking for Republicans and Democrats alike. Roll on, bipartisanship!