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Noah 2007

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now

living in the United States, and said, "Once again,

the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I

see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing

along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6

months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah

weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have

changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing

with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler

system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the

neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my

yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond

be posted for the future costs of moving power lines

and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage

for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the

sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing

of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban

on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted

owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I

needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal

rights group sued me. They insisted that I was

confining wild animals against their will. They argued

the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was

cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a

confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark

until they'd conducted an environmental impact study

on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm

supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and

Naturalization are checking the green-card status of

most of the people who want to work. The trades unions

say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire

only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,

claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally

with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10

years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,

and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up

in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to

destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."