How To Talk To Babies About Gender Theory

How soon is too soon to begin introducing basic gender theory and Lacanian self-definition to an infant? A primer.

BABY: dont want u

want daddy

ME: GENDER IS A SPECTRUM OF BEHAVIORS NOT A FIXED IDENTITY

STOP DENYING MY AGENCY

BABY: want juice

ME: I’M GONNA READ JUDITH BUTLER TO YOU AGAIN

BABY: [nurses]

ME: you realize youre literally consuming me

BABY: [nurses]

ME: wow

its like de Beauvoir never even wrote The Second Sex

[leans over baby’s crib]

ME: DON’T YOU DARE DEVELOP ALONG FREUDIAN STAGES

BABY: [sleeps]

ME: ARE YOU IGNORING MY REGULATIVE DISCOURSES

BABY: [sleeps]

ME: wow

have you queered anything today

BABY: [cries]

ME: hey

HEY

we have talked about this

BABY: [cries]

ME: what is the function of the imaginary primordial enclosure formed by the imago of the mother’s body

you know this

i know you know this

ME: i dont care how you express your future sexuality

but dont you dare bring a post-structuralist into this house

BABY: [chortles]

ME: THIS IS SERIOUS

ME: IS GENDER A PERFORMANCE OR A CONSTRUCT

PUT DOWN THAT BUNNY AND ANSWER ME

ME: [holding car keys] okay, Baby

show me the difference between the symbol and the archetype

BABY: [claps]

ME: come on

what’s being displaced here

BABY: want fahh

want fahhh

ME: who wants fahh?

BABY: want fahh

ME: Is it I?

Are you learning the function of the I?

Are you ready for Lacan’s mirror stage?

BABY: want fahhh

ME: I didn’t think so

BABY: [eats a Cheerio]

ME: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE

THAT ‘THE REAL’ IS NOT NECESSARILY COEXISTENT WITH REALITY

BABY: [hands me ‘Are You My Mother’]

ME: DO YOU WANT ME TO READ THIS TO YOU

OR ARE YOU FINALLY READY TO CRITICALLY INTERROGATE THE TEXT

BABY: book

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]