Post-2016 Election Cosmo Tips for Decoding Your Man

What he says: “You don’t need to wear all that makeup!”

What he means: “I resent that you feel empowered through your use of stereotypically feminine products and I wish I couldn’t tell that you were wearing makeup.”

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What he says: “I’ll pay for dinner.”

What he means: “I make so much money that I can pay for two dinners. I know that you also make money but I would like to maintain a certain power dynamic.”

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What he says: “Let me get the door for you.”

What he means: “You’ve been talking a lot about how straight white men are the problem but let me show you that I can do nice things, like hold the door. And remember how I paid for dinner?”

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What he says: “I like your shirt.”

What he means: “Is this compliment going to make you want me to touch you again? We haven’t had sex since the election.”

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What he says: How’s Emily? [over-pronounced vowels, like he’s never heard the name ‘Emily’ before]

What he means: “Your friend Emily is the only person of color I know and ‘her community’ seems really worked up about this whole Trump thing.”

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What he says: “Chivalry isn’t dead.”

What he means: “I paid for dinner!!!”

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What he says: “Things have been really hard for me lately.”

What he means: “I have convinced myself that people can be racist against white people.”

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What he says: “Everyone assumes I voted for Trump just because I’m white.”

What he means: “I voted for Gary Johnson.”

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What he says: “Let’s give Trump a chance.”

What he means: “I’ve been thinking really hard and I literally can’t think of a way that Trump’s presidency will actually hurt me.”

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What he says: “Bernie would have won.”

What he means: “Hillary should have been a man.”

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What he says: “Abandon identity politics.”

What he means: “Abandon YOUR identity politics and embrace mine, which I see as baseline and default.”

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What he says: “I’m tired of PC culture.”

What he means: “Why won’t you let me, a white man, say the n-word?! Kanye does it! And he loves Trump! What point am I trying to make?”