Chapter Text

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO: CHANDRA NALAAR

"So," Jace says, recappingly, "we'll track down Exava, the bloodwitch who wants to flay my skin and turn it into a gimp mask, and I'll read her mind, because I have no qualms about reading nasty people's minds, and we'll use the information from her thoughts to find Vraska. Does that make sense?"

"No!" Chandra replies. "That's risky, and stupid, and it'll get you killed, and it makes the exact opposite of sense! It makes esnes!"

"So that means you won't help?"

"No, it means I'm *definitely* going to help, and I'm going to post it to WorldStar."

They do that thing. They succeed. Greg Weisman writes macabre Rakdos bloodsport very well. ...Are you okay, Greg? Not trying to kinkshame, but we're here if you need help.

Jace takes a deep breath. "The guilds sent Vraska to Kaladesh. To kill Dovin Baan. Wasn't I there when that happened? Whatever."

Chandra's cold heart, which has been noted as cold several times already in the book and probably should have put on a sweater before leaving the house today, is suddenly cooked at 350 for an hour. "If anyone should kill Baan, it's me."

"You're not a cold" - Jace turns to the camera and winks - "-blooded killer, Chandra."

"You're right, I'm not a killer. I just deal damage to people. State-based action 704.5g is what kills them."

"NOT WHAT I MEANT PLEASE STOP."

-------

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE: TEZZERET

Tezzeret stands on the widow's walk of his tower, pausing to take a drink out of a mug of coffee labelled "WORLD'S NUMBER ONE HENCHCYBORG, BUT ONLY ON ACCOUNT OF BEING THE WORLD'S ONLY HENCHCYBORG, SERIOUSLY STEP UP YOUR GAME, LOVE NICKY B". As he watches Ral Zarek and The Wanderer approach, he wonders where Nicol Bolas even got the mug, because all the custom printing shops he researched while commissioning a retaliatory "WORLD'S SECOND-OKAYEST BOSS" mug had a strict twenty-five character limit.

"Fufufufu," he fufufufus to nobody in particular.

-----------

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR: KAYA

Kaya, Teyo, and Rat land on Dominaria. (Tourism slogan: What Happens In Dominaria, Is Probably Urza's Fault.)

The trio heads to Liliana Vess' manor, where Rat leads them to the garden, and to a gaggle of servant women, servanting amongst the weeds.

Kaya turns to Rat and asks, "Why are we here?"

"Look at that last servant over there."

"Her? Not quite my type - I like 'em like I like my Arcades decks - but if I were a bit wine drunk, I *suppose*-"

"No, it's LILIANA VESS."

"So? My coochie doesn't care about the Geneva Conventions."

------------

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE: TEYSA KARLOV

"I failed to seduce Tomik," Edward Von DracuStrahd from chapter thirty-nine moans as he sinks into one of Teysa's luxuriant plush chairs. "And vat's vorse, I've fallen in love with *him*! Is it possible ve haff entered a mirror vurld, vere *he* is the vampire, unt *I* am the human?"

"No," says Teysa. She is drinking mimosas from a beer helmet.

"UP EEZ DOWN UNT DOWN EEZ UP UNT TREES GROW ON LEAVES UNT ZE VOODS SHEET EEN BEARS!"

Teysa takes a long slurp of mimosa. *Note to self: Stop buying knockoff vampires from Alibaba. Shipping eats up most of the savings anyways.*

------

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX: VRASKA

Vraska plays tiddlywinks with a young girl she helped rescue during the previous novel. Oh yes, continuity. Grind it into a fine powder and let me snort it out of a discount stripper's buttcrack.

"Queen Vraska!" a devkarin elf shouts as she throws open the throne room doors. "Come quickly!"

"I would love to, but it takes at least ten minutes, even if I'm good and ready."

"No, what I mean is Izoni used a killer spider to make an attempt on the unlife of Myczil Zunich!"

"Jarad's son? from the *Dissension* novel? My. If that were a deeper cut, it would hit bone."

"Indeed. We're arresting Izoni and putting Myczil in your protective custody, undercutting all opposition to your power. Hey, why do you have a receipt for a killer spider from Dovin Baan's Killer Spider Emporium sticking out of your pocket?"

"Tax purposes."

-----------

FORTY-SEVEN: RAL ZAREK

As Ral Zarek and The Wanderer approach Tezzeret's tower, a flight of gargoyles gets in their way.

"Time for a fight scene," Ral says, lightning arcing between his hands as if they were poorly written lesbians.

"You wouldn't hit a gargoyle with glasses, would you?" one of the smaller stone figures squeaks.

"You're not wearing glasses."

"Fuck me sideways, my optometrist swore there were no downsides to LASIK."

------

FORTY-EIGHT: TEYO VERADA

Kaya studies the blank-faced enslaved Liliana. "What? Why? HOW? My head is spinning. This makes too much damn esnes."

"I'll split up and search for clues!" Rat pipes up, unprompted.

"Hey," Teyo heys, "there's a collar around her neck. Maybe we should interact with it." Teyo attempts removes the collar from Lili's neck.

Lili attempts to remove the neck from Teyo's neck.

---------

FORTY-NINE: JACE BELEREN

Jace walks into Vraska's chambers, finally running into Vraska.

"You're back," she says.

"I'm back," he replies.

"Enough Meisner repetitions. You're clearly upset about something."

"You forgot to feed my pet rock while I was gone and it went feral. Oh, and you kept secrets from me."

"To protect you! Wait, that sounds dumb. Pinky promise to never keep secrets from you again. Anyway, gotta prioritize the Golgari ahead of you. Toodles." She gives him a peck on the lips and planeswalks off.

Jace growls, pulls out his phone, and starts writing a text post for r/deadbedrooms.

-------------

FIFTY: RAT

Rat sneaks inside of the mansion. She feels bad for the servants. Rat has a distinct voice and well-realized voice.

Rat finds Liliana Vess, who wears a choker inlaid with sapphire, the fourth-best Pokémon game. Rat also finds a copy of the The Fall Of The House Of Vess, which has a picture of Liliana Vess that looks exactly like Liliana Vess. Uh, Manor!Vess. Not StinkyServant!Vess.

Rat also also finds Nicol Bolas' Gem of... Beholding? Becoming? Believe In Life After Love-ing?

Manor!Vess taps a fork against her goblet, hushing the gathered partygoers. "Shareholders and board members of Cabal Enterprises LLC. As you know, our company suffered a major setback last year when our previous CEO Belzenlok was killed to death by yours truly. As your new CEO, I promise to crush the peasant classes, torment those who would stand against us, and replace our Employee Recognition Program with a monthly ritual where we take the worst-performing worker and beat them to death with a VHS copy of Glengarry Glenn Ross. Thank you."

The company's stock value rises thirty-six cents.

"Hey," Rat epiphanies, "Manor!Vess' zombies don't stink."

"Thank you," the zombies say, "we read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and created some S.M.A.R.T. goals for ourselves. We're glad other people notice the effort we're putting in."

"No, I meant you're not foul-smelling. But good for you."

Acting on a hunch, Rat reaches out to touch a zombie, and it's an illusion! This sets off the glowy necklace.

"After her!" Necklace!Vess shouts. Uh, Necklace!Vess is Manor!Vess, who is not StinkyServant!Vess. Presumably. There's nearly half a book left, shit still has room to get twisty.

Not one to pass up a two-for-five-finger deal, Rat also grabs the Gem of Beekeeping, in flagrant disregard of the five-second rule. It turns her visible! Shocker! She drops the gem and runs.

------------

FIFTY-ONE: LILIANA VESS

You remember those episodes of Dragonball Z that were just characters building up strength and getting ready to strike a killer blow while other characters commented on the first set of characters building up strength and getting ready to strike a killer blow?

You remember how much those episodes dragged?

Now imagine if that were *text*.