Crazy Japanese Toilets: Guy Gear

It’s no secret that Japanese culture is in many ways wildly different to those of us raised in the West. Known stereotypically for their seemingly instantaneous adoption of the latest cutting-edge technology, strict etiquette and fastidious desire for efficiency in all aspects of life, it’s not surprising to see these societal trends shine through in every aspect of their day-to-day lives, even when using the bathroom.

While the old porcelain thrones found throughout most of the first world are indeed a great civility enjoyed by anyone fortunate enough to have one, the reality is they barely scratch the surface of convenience and modesty when placed head-to-head with their Japanese counterparts.

So, short of booking the next flight to Tokyo to conduct a personal pants-down investigation, we’ve compiled a list of five distinctive crazy Japanese toilets and toilet accessories (yes you read it right) guaranteed to make your current commode seem quite obsolete.

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TOTO NEOREST Produced by Japan’s largest toilet manufacture, TOTO Ltd., the NEOREST packs advanced technology into an attractive and amazingly space conscious fixture. While this crazy Japanese toilet’s unique tank-less design may be the first distinctive feature users pick up on, this cosmetic touch is only one of the countless advances packed inside. Described by the manufacturer as the first “aware” toilet, smart sensors allow the unit to detect when an individual is approaching and raise the lid automatically. Likewise, when a user rises, the lid will automatically close and flush. To save water, other sensors will even choose between two different flush amounts based on whether the user is standing in front of the NEOREST or sitting down. While we could go on further with the laundry list of other tech niceties seamlessly integrated onboard this Starship Enterprise of latrines, we’d prefer not to keep you reading all day. In the end, it’s just one more device we’ll one day end up conceding to Skynet. Retail price: $3,950

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Pee Without Noise Stool In a surprising departure from problem solving through circuitry and CPUs, the Pee Without Noise Stool is a shockingly obvious bathroom accessory that eliminates one of man’s greatest restroom concerns — at least that’s how the Japanese see it. Pretty much summed up in the name, the stool was created under the notion that sound created while standing isn’t always something worth broadcasting to other ears in the area, particularly if they belong to those of the opposite sex — like a snooping mother-in-law. Covered in soft cushions, this kneeler positions a user at the exact height to empty at a much slower velocity and, hence, is far quieter than the fast, carefree method of standing. Available in both plastic and a wooded eco-friendly version, using one might remind many American men of their youth spent in Catholic Schools, as well as making them feel assuredly emasculated. Retail price: $78

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Takagi TF 100 Bidet Similar to adding more RAM and a better processor to push your computer to the next level, the Takagi TF 100 is designed to be added to existing lavatory fixtures to upgrade them to a new standard of convenience. Featuring luxury-car-like amenities such as a heated seat, hydraulics for lowering the lid softly without noise and infrared sensors that automatically switch off the fixture’s electronics when not in use, the Takagi is far more than just a souped-up lid or a crazy Japanese toilet. Since bidets are touted as being more hygienic and ideal for preventing various health-related ailments, two “his” and “her” spray nozzles are included to serve gender-related needs. Understanding that everyone’s preferences are different, each nozzle’s water pressure and temperature can be adjusted and saved to match individual comfort levels. It even has a built-in safety system that only allows the spray nozzles to be used while sitting and the system is engaged, so there’s no need to worry about accidentally getting hosed on bleary-eyed mornings. Retail price: $549

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Blooming NB-R770 Bidet In what seems to always be an effort to trump the innovations found in other crazy Japanese toilet accessories, the Blooming NB-R770 ups the ante in the Japanese bidet arms race by including a luminous LED “mood lighting” system. This Close Encounters style flare is designed to eliminate the need to turn on the bathroom light during the night or early dawn, while still providing a, as the press material says, “haute atmosphere” for doing your business. Along with the features mentioned earlier in the Takagi, the Blooming can also be controlled via remote, includes a warm air personal dryer, and even has a deodorization system that catches and decomposes odor particles emitted from the toilet. For user safety, an integrated Help Button can be pressed to trigger a buzzer that alerts others in the house to the fact that you’re in need of assistance or more TP is required. Extended use of over 30 minutes will also trigger an automatic shutoff of the heated seat to ensure those seated aren’t burned. Finally, an auto-cleaning function runs warm air and water around the bowl to keep things looking pristine and hygienic, while a self-cleaning nozzle system ensures the bidet’s water sprayers are free from harmful contaminants. When combined with the toilet’s built-in filtration system that eliminates alien substances from tap water, the Blooming probably sprays purer water than your Brita.



Retail price: $699

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Instant Cardboard Toilet Kit This may be the craziest Japanese toilet on our list. Created with the understanding that plumbing cannot always be counted on, this Instant Cardboard Toilet Kit is a far better emergency solution than dealing with a bedpan or trench. Built from a series of collapsed cardboard panels, amazingly once assembled the box can support users weighing up to 396 pounds. Since the instruction manuals are in Japanese, feeling confident that you constructed the box correctly might be a bit of a problem. To keep things sanitary, the interior is lined with removable bags that are included with the kit and provide an easy method for disposing waste. The top cardboard panel’s surface is also coated with an anti-bacterial sheet that helps prolong hygienic conditions even after repeated use. While all in all it may beat Daniel Boon-style squats, being the one in charge of bag disposal is definitely something we’d recommend trying to avoid, especially if, say, your 350-pound Sumo friends are around. Retail price: $71

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