Asking for a girl’s number is scary. I still have a mountain of fears that come up when I’m about to do it.

What if she has a boyfriend?

What if she says no?

What if she just wants to be friends?

What if she’s under 18?

What if it’s not appropriate here?

What if someone sees me and thinks I’m creepy?

It’s no wonder that guys often don’t even ask for the girl’s number. We try bullshit like the following instead:

Adding her on Facebook

Asking her friends about her

Attending events that she will be attending

And sure, sometimes this actually works. But most often, it just leads to angst, frustration, and chasing after women who are not interested in you.

Side note: it’s not that something is wrong with you and that makes you undesirable, it’s just that attraction is not universal. I have plenty of friends who are able-bodied and conventionally attractive but they still get rejected by women as well.

I would much rather find out quickly, if she is, or is not interested in me. I don’t want to be pining for a girl and “liking” all her Facebook pictures for 6 months just to find out that she sees me as a friend.

You might be thinking “but I can’t ask for her number yet, she doesn’t know me well enough.” And she might not, but the human species is very, very skilled at making snap judgments. She knows rather quickly whether or not she would explore an intimate relationship with you. Sure, you need to chat her up a bit to build that type of connection, but at some point you need to bring it to a decision – is she sexually/romantically interested in you, or not?

I always recommend doing this by asking for her number, and sooner rather than later.

So how do you do that?

Some people say “it doesn’t matter what you say”, and that may be true. But I don’t find that particularly helpful, especially since I’m already fighting my insecurities and fears (see above). So I use a “formula” to make sure I don’t fumble in this critical moment.

In practice, it comes out something like this:

I say “hey, you’re really fun to talk to, and I find you incredibly attractive; so i’m going to get your number,” and then I wait for her reaction, which will tell you everything you need to know. If she is open to it, just unlock your phone and have her put her number in. If she’s not, be respectful and accept her no – learning to deal with rejection is part of dating.

Let’s break this down.

Step #1: compliment her personality and her appearance

Women like to be appreciated for both of these characteristics. However, if you only compliment her appearance, it comes off a little sleazy. If you only compliment her personality, she may think you just want to be friends. Doing both lets her know:

You’re sexually attracted to her You don’t just see her as a piece of meat

Step #2: let her know that you are getting her number

This is a little trick to get you out of asking for her number. Because straight up asking “can I have your number?” makes you feel like a child asking a parent for some candy. If she says yes, it’s as if she’s doing you a favor, and if she says no, it’s a hard place to recover from. In either case, it’s not a scenario that generates attraction.

But when you let her know that you’re getting her number, you are directing the interaction. It’s still her decision, but you’re letting her know what you want. That is a very masculine, attractive behavior (so long as you respect her decision).

Step #3: give her your phone

Some people call this “assuming the sale” meaning you assume that she will be interested in giving you her number, so you act accordingly by giving her your phone. This supposedly makes it more likely that she will give you her number.

I’m not sure if that is true, but I still recommend this because it guides her to make the decision. Does she want to continue interacting with you in a sexual/romantic/intimate tone? If the answer is yes, she will put her number in your phone.

Bonus step #3b: what to do if she says “I have a boyfriend”

I used to think a girl saying “I have a boyfriend” was a dead-end – her way of saying “get away from me.” But that’s not true. In my experience, women have a TON of respect for a guy that comes up to them, starts up a conversation, asks for their number, and remains respectful when they turn him down. And they are usually happy to share some dating insights.

Because it’s not just about navigating your way into her pants. Sex is a wonderful part of the equation, no doubt. But it’s also about being the social, charismatic guy that can adapt to different situations, with the broad goal of making more friends and going on more dates.

In the case of asking for a girl’s number, the point of using this formula is to turn an anxiety-inducing scenario into one that is easy, automatic, and natural. By practicing and refining this formula over and over, I’ve gotten to a place where I no longer hesitate to ask for a girl’s number. And I know you can do the same.