Stay with us on this one, folks. It’s a real wild ride: Prominent YouTube personality/conspiracy theorist/filmmaker Shane Dawson has issued one of the most truly baffling public apologies of all time, insisting that a four-year-old story on an episode of his podcast in which he gleefully admitted to dry fucking and cumming on his cat was actually, in fact, a lie.

Dawson appeared on Twitter this afternoon virtually out of the blue with the multi-tweet apology, which began with the absolute barn-burning line “I didn’t fuck my cat.”

i didnt fuck my cat. i didnt cum on my cat. i didnt put my dick anywhere near my cat. Ive never done anything weird with my cats. I promised myself i wasnt going to make apology videos after last years thing so im just trying to be as short and honest with this as possible. (1/?) — Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) March 18, 2019

Please, we insist, stay with us here.

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The whole shebang stems from a 2015 episode of his Shane and Friends podcast in which he, rather apropos of nothing, drops an extremely detailed and rather graphic story about, well… dry humping his cat and jizzing on it.

I found the audio!! Shane Dawson came on his cat! WTF!!!!! This was on his podcast pic.twitter.com/6slFQRxIeE — Sandwich Ruler (@magician_dragon) March 17, 2019

I mean, not to cast aspersions or anything but that’s the kind of free-wheeling yarn you’d only really get from someone who lived the experience.

Regardless, Dawson today insists that the story was “fake” and based on a “dumb awful sketch idea” (what) that he had at one point back in the day. Sure thing m8.

that story was fake and was based on a dumb awful sketch idea I had years ago that i never made (THANK GOD) and when the opportunity came up for a funny moment in the podcast I told it as if it was a real story which was DISGUSTING and VERY VERY DUMB (3/?) — Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) March 18, 2019

my goal with the podcast and with my videos years ago was to tell shocking stories that would make people laugh and scream "OMG NO U DIDNT!!" and think i was "soooo crazy". its embarrassing and i fucking hate myself for it. (4/?) — Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) March 18, 2019

theres so many things im so proud of. but all of my offensive jokes, over the top stories, and insensitive jokes are something that still haunt me and something I have to be faced with everyday on the internet. and it never gets easier. (6/?) — Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) March 18, 2019

so im sorry for what i said about my cat, im sorry for what i said about anything or anyone that was offensive, and im sorry for being someone who thought being super offensive and shocking all the time was funny. im sorry for my past. but im really to make it right and (7/?) — Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) March 18, 2019

This sorta thing has bitten Dawson on the ass before: In January he issued an apology video after clips from an old podcast episode in which he referred to a six-year-old Instagrammer as “kind of sexy” resurfaced.

Today, however, it’s the cat fucking yarn.

He assures you all he absolutely did not fuck, and definitely did not cum on, his cat.

Didn’t happen.

Y’know.

Probably.