NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fresh from the 2012 Republican National Convention, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) today called being nominated for Vice President his greatest personal triumph “since I won the Tour de France, in 2006.”

“That feeling of adrenaline when I was onstage with Mitt,” he told reporters on the campaign trail. “It felt exactly like that when I crossed the finish line in Marseille.”

When a reporter pointed out that the Tour de France ends in Paris, not Marseille, Mr. Ryan said, “My bad. I’m always mixing them up, ever since I won the Open 13 tennis tournament in Marseille.”

Mr. Ryan said he would bring an athlete’s focus to winning the White House in November: “Every little boy dreams of winning a World Series or a Heisman Trophy or getting to the White House. I’m already two out of three.”

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Photograph by Lauren Lancaster