YOUR Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, Excellencies, honorable members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, ladies and gentlemen 

This is awkward. This is really awkward. Wow.

You know, two months ago, when Thorbjorn Jagland announced that I had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, I said that I was “humbled.” Today I have several other words: “Baffled.” “Incredulous.” “Slightly-very-irritated.”

But ultimately, conventional adjectives fail to convey the powerful rush of emotions one experiences at receiving such a surprising and politically tone-deaf honor. And so I have invented a new word: it’s called “thorbjorn.” As in, “Wow, those Scandinavians completely thorbjorned my hard-earned political capital.” I know, it’s not the best name. In fact, I had hoped that Philip Roth would help me out on this one, but for some reason he couldn’t make it.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I am humbled, humbled and thorbjorned to be here. I am reminded of another great day in my life  July 14  when I had the distinction of throwing out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. Who could have guessed that three months later, I would be awarded the American League Cy Young award? That’s a joke, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously, it was just one pitch.