NEW YORK—Attributing the gains this morning to them being “just kinda in the mood,” top Wall Street investors confirmed the U.S. stock market soared in early trading Friday after they decided it would be a fun thing to make happen. “Often, you’ll see the S&P 500 rise because of a jobs report or international trade news, but other times it happens just because making the market go way up is what we felt like doing that day,” said veteran fund manager Jack Malcolm, who, like hundreds of his colleagues nationwide, reportedly woke up “feeling sorta blah” and chose to send all major U.S. indices climbing as a “nice little pick-me-up.” “To be sure, the catalysts for strong market performance can be complex, and it’s not always easy to put your finger on the factors pushing growth. But this morning we made the Dow rise, like, hundreds of points for no particular reason beyond wanting to see a big spike go way up to the top of the chart. And it did! It looked pretty awesome.” At press time, sources confirmed the entire global economy had entered a major recession after investors thought it would be cool to do that for a while.

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