WASHINGTON–in one of the quickest and most decisive successes in American political history, the Republican-controlled 114th Congress opened today and passed no legislation of any kind, thereby delivering its entire mandate.

“I’m pleased to report that we have achieved exactly what we set out to do,” said John Boehner, who was elected Speaker with overwhelming support from a small portion of the Republican House caucus. “And we were having margaritas in my office by ten o’clock.”

Boehner reported that he planned to spend most of the next two years working on his tan. Other members of the leadership reported that they would be focused on golf or bowling, or in forty or fifty cases just sitting around waiting for the Rapture.

“I have the biggest Republican majority in more than seventy years,” said Boehner, reached by phone from the lounge of the Arlington TGI Friday’s, “and I fully intend not to use it.”

Boehner later expressed irritation that “a lot of government stuff” had taken up ninety minutes in the morning, and vowed to do less of it in the future.