I’m worried my issue will cost me my relationship – but the thought of sex fills me with dread

Over the past five years, I’ve lost all interest in sex. This has already cost me one relationship and I’m worried that my wonderful new partner will leave as well. Don’t get me wrong, I still find women attractive; I just don’t want sex – the thought fills me with anxiety and utter dread. My last partner used to get uncontrollably angry and aggressive, so I just used to have sex to stop any conflict.

People find each other for particular reasons. Whether or not you have been open with your girlfriend about the nature of your struggles, I imagine she has a pretty good idea. She chose you for a reason. You sound lonely in your relationship, but you don’t have to suffer alone or be so frustrated and afraid. Instead, take courage and have a deep, sincere conversation.

My husband only wants sex four times a year – what do I do? Read more

Start by letting her know all the positive feelings of love and admiration you have for her, then try to share truths about your frustration, about your sexual feelings, your strong desire to please her and your frustration that it’s not easy for you to do so.

Ask her to share the task of working through these problems – with professional assistance if necessary. Intimacy involves truly seeing your partner, and being truly seen. Without a greater level of honesty between you, you may be tempted to go through the motions of sex without wanting it, as you did previously.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.