If there’s something I hate more than the taste of chalk, it’s buying Christmas presents. I’m great at buying gifts for myself – I know exactly what I want and I’m never disappointed with the colour or quality.

But I’m clueless when it comes to friends and family. No matter how hard I try, I always end up buying the wrong thing and have to witness that familiar grimace as they open their unwanted gift.

This year I’ve decided to go one better and deliberately buy the worst gifts I can find. That way, no-one will be any more disappointed than usual, and I can have some fun.

Power Juicer

It looks great on the TV, doesn’t it? You fill it with fruit and vegetables and it squirts out a healthy refreshing drink! The drink may be fluorescent green and smell like cabbage, but hey, think of the health benefits!

A juicer is a truly terrible gift. It says “You look like shit! You stuff your face with fast food all day – your body must be crying out for nutrition! You obviously have no idea how to cook, so here’s a machine you just shove fruit into. Think you can manage that?

You’ll have to gulp a glass of freshly-squeezed broccoli every time I visit, just so I think you love your gift.” Ha! Add a Spa day voucher if you feel really cruel.

Glass Clown

If there’s one thing worse than a real clown, it’s a delicately crafted, multicolour Italian glass clown. Yes, from the country that brought you Ferrari and Michelangelo, Italy has now added gaudy deformed ornaments to their prestigious list. Why? Did a glassblower wake up one morning and think “Hey! I mak-a ma fortune by blowing a clown! Bellissimo!” A sad day for Europe.

This gift says “I’ve thought of the most unattractive, scary figure I could think of. I’ve had it made from psychedelic glass that clashes with everything you own. I’ve had it flown all the way from Italy. Because I’ve put so much effort into this gift, you will have to display this monstrosity in the most prominent place in your house. I am then going to buy you one every Christmas for the next 20 years.”

Embarrassing CD

I’ve been the recipient of many cringeworthy discs in my time – some of my relatives must really hate me. Any serious music fan is going to be seriously offended by offerings such as this:

Just be sure you don’t purchase something that is so bad, it’s good. It just has to be really bad.

Your musical gift of love shouts out “This CD shows how little attention I pay to your musical tastes. This CD is going to stand out in your serious music collection like a glowing pus-filled boil. Put it on now! Put on your dancing shoes and boogie on down, party boy! Rahahahh.”

Pet Gifts

It’s fun to irritate a new mother by buying baby-related gifts on her birthday. So why not buy pet gifts for your animal loving relatives? A box of snacky bones or a scratching post is totally useless to them, but their furry friends will love you forever! It’s like stretching one gift to two recipients. Brilliant.

This gift says “I know your pet is the only thing in your miserable life that loves you, so I’ve decided to reward him, the poor creature. You’ll now have to spend Christmas feeding your gift to the dog.”

Balloon Ride

Nothing says “I couldn’t be bothered to think about your gift” more than a free ride in something. And a balloon ride is the worst trip of all. On the face of it, a graceful and romantic balloon ride sounds like fun, but as far as I’m concerned it’s dangerous, scary, pointless and, did I mention dangerous? At least with skydiving you get a parachute.

This gift is great for unpleasant elderly relatives. It shouts “A trip of a lifetime – I hope so, because you won’t be around for another one! Once you realize you’re standing in a picnic hamper 10,000 feet above ground held up by a bag of air, those long-overdue heart palpitations might finally kick in! By the way, can you leave me that antique vase in your will?”

Follow these tips and your Christmas shopping trips will be a breeze! For more inspiration, head over to Shopping Bizarre for more ridiculous gift ideas!