I am sharing this short story as a way to a) send positive vibes to those who might be experiencing spiritual burnout or something similar, and b) help those who know me understand what’s been going on with me a little better.

For about a year, I have been in “reduced participation” with my church (the LDS church). This decision has been really hard and really good for me at the same time. December of 2016… I was feeling so depressed and lost. Church was not a healthy place for me. I knew this, but I didn’t know what to do about it, because church is the place you’re supposed to be able to fix your problems (right?). I started talking to an LDS therapist January of last year who introduced me to the idea of taking a “sabbatical” from church. Here is a link to some of the thoughts that helped me make that decision… go to page 16, Exercise 9: Is a Sabbatical Right for You? (Mormon On Your Own Terms)

Some questions I get asked about this:

Didn’t you served a mission?

Yes I did. Today is actually my 2 year anniversary of coming home from my mission. I went to the Tennessee Knoxville mission for 18–19 months, a time of a lot of weird growth, both forwards and backwards: I will never for a minute regret the friends I made and time I was able to spend with them. It was also a time of decreasing physical, mental, and emotional health. I came home so drained and sick. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my mission. I also cannot WAIT to go back and visit all my friends and family in TN/North Carolina as soon as that’s possible!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

So how does your husband feel about this?

He is 100% supportive of me. My “sabbatical” began a few months after we were married, but the struggle was ongoing long before that, he knew about it, supported me, and has helped me stay grounded throughout this whole process. He has helped me feel OK being honest with myself and has helped me realize I can take my time, and that I am not defined by my religious beliefs. Beliefs change and grow throughout life and that’s ok.

How do you get away with not going to church as a BYU student?

It is actually possible! If you are in this situation, I would recommend talking to your bishop and explaining how church isn’t a safe/healthy/productive/positive place for you right now. Some bishops will be totally on board and help you do whatever you need to do to get to a healthy place. My bishop at the time was not very on board, and I had to get a note from my therapist before he opened up. After that, he was kind and understanding, and my ecclesiastical endorsement ceased to be threatened. (I think another option could have been to bring a note from a dr./therapist to someone in the honor code office and set up some kind of understanding with them, so that they could communicate with your bishop letting them know it’s OK for you to not go to church every week. That might work with more stubborn bishops.)

What’s your relationship to the church right now? How long will this last?

I don’t know. Not in a hurry to make any final decisions. I just knew I needed a change, and however hard it has been, it has helped me clear my head and start focusing on things that have helped to get me back on track and feeling like myself again. Hasn’t solved all of my problems and it is still often hard for me to talk about the “why” behind it all, but it has been a step in the right direction.

If anyone reading this feels they are “stuck” religiously right now (Mormon or otherwise) or need any kind of support, please reach out to me. I know how hard it can be to go through something like this. It really can feel like you’re being torn apart from the inside. I would love to be there for you…. if I can support you or help you find some options in any way at all, I will.

Thanks for reading and trying to understand ❤️