LAMAR, OK—Without ever diverting his eyes from the tiny blinking window in the right margin of the website he initially came to 20 minutes ago, local man Jack Calderon told reporters Tuesday he’s doing really well at the slot machine demo embedded in the ad in the corner of his computer screen. “I’m just getting jackpot after jackpot. What is this, 17 times in a row? I have work to do, but I obviously can’t quit now,” said Calderon, adding that he was nervous about jinxing his hot streak. “After those first three sevens, I thought, ‘If I lose now, that’s fine,’ because I gave it my all and I played well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stoked when I got three sevens for a second, third, and fourth time. Getting three bananas after that was just the cherry on top.” At press time, Calderon confirmed that he was “on such a roll” that he had decided to quit his job.

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