Charlie, a trans friend of mine who was featured in Mashable · Photo by Bryan Derballa, posted with parental permission

To Parents, From a Trans Kid

By Caleb Lucas

My name is Caleb. I’m a 12-year-old transgender boy who lives in Arizona. I was assigned female at birth but I started transitioning to male a little over a year ago because in my mind, heart, and soul, I’m a boy and I always have been. I’m also currently a foster child, so I’ve lived with a lot of different parents. Some have been accepting, some have not, and others claimed to be accepting but didn’t truly understand what being transgender is all about.

I want parents to understand how important it is for transgender and gender non-conforming kids to feel loved unconditionally and accepted for who they are. Being transgender is not just a phase or mindset that kids will eventually grow out of. It’s not something that can be changed. That means if you don’t accept them, that will stay with them for the rest of their life.

I don’t know why some parents aren’t accepting, I just know how it makes kids feel.

Living with my birth parents made me feel extremely depressed and even suicidal. They didn’t accept me. They made me wear girls clothes and no matter how hard I tried to explain how uncomfortable I was, they didn’t believe me. They didn’t even try to understand what I was going through and that was so hard. I hated myself. I couldn’t even look in the mirror without feeling sick to my stomach because the dysphoria was so bad and I didn’t want to live with it anymore. I was eight years old.

When I first went into foster care, I moved in with an amazing family. When I was with them, I finally felt like someone understood what I was going through for the first time in my life. They helped me get into therapy, understand what being transgender actually was, and helped me start my transition. They made a huge difference in my life and for the first time in a long time, I was happy.

I wish my parents and all of my foster parents were like my first foster parents. They made me feel like I was actually worth something. They made me feel like whether or not I was happy actually mattered to them. They allowed me to be a boy both on the outside and the inside and that was the best feeling in the world.

But lots of parents aren’t like that. It hurts me and it hurts my friends.

“I’ve heard my mom talk about when she found out she was pregnant she didn’t care if I was a boy or a girl, and now that I’m a boy it’s like the end of the world to her. Every time I say my name or try and get her to use the right pronouns, she gets mad. The one time my mom used my name I just started to cry I was so happy. When they tell me I’m lying about who I am, it really isn’t easy to hear. Parents are supposed to be there for you no matter what.” — Morgan, age 13 “It took my mom three and a half years to understand I really am transgender. During that time she was denying it and calling me ‘confused.’ It makes me upset that my dad says he has one son instead of two.” — Mihael, age 21 “I’ve felt suicidal so many times because how they treat me. All I want is to be a girl and they don’t understand that, they just keep calling me a freak or fag. I wish my parents would just love me for who I am.” — Savannah, age 16 “I have told my parents I was trans and their response was that I was lying. It hurt a lot to know they didn’t accept me, for the first time in my life I finally figured it out and I was happy but they didn’t accept me.” — Terrance, age 19 “I wish they would be more accepting and not get angry when I try to open up to them.” — Steven, age 21 “I’m scared of being myself and them punishing me in some way because I’m trans, so I don’t feel safe to be myself. I wish they would support me and help me find and become myself a bit more everyday.” — Lucca, age 16 “Look at how much you’ve hurt me and how strong I’ve had to be to save my own life! You didn’t ‘save your daughter’ by forcing me to be a girl; you never had an older daughter. Instead you almost lost your son.” — Tobias, age 16

Parents, please listen to what your kids have to say. Love them, accept them, and be there for them no matter what. You may not understand what they are trying to tell you at first, but keep listening and never give up. Your love and acceptance means more to them than you will ever know.

Sincerely,

Caleb