If there were ever a subset of beauty whose products were laden with gimmicks, it would be hair styling and care. I’m lazily looking for a flat iron (mine is on the outs, but I’m not in a rush because I don’t use it all the time), and I came across this one on Sephora. Overlooking the fact that it is $150 for a non-professional unit, the name alone got me: Agave Healing Vapor Iron.

Healing, huh?

You, a heat styling appliance, will heal my hair. Uh-huh. Let’s check out the claims (copied from Sephora’s site):

This powerful duo works together to create hair that is silky, shiny, and healthy-looking. The professional-quality Agave Vapor Iron smooths, heals and transforms unmanageable, frizzy hair. It allows you to straighten, wave, or curl hair quickly and efficiently with no breakage and damage. Infrared heat energy from the NanoIonic™ iron plates helps seal in essential moisture from the Vapor Infusion, eliminating frizz and split ends. Designed to be paired with the Vapor Iron, the thermal-activated leave-in conditioner, Vapor Infusion, is loaded with agave plant sugars that hydrate and strengthen hair. Hair is left resilient, sleek, and beautiful.

Silky, shiny – okay, so the Agave Healing Vapor Iron does what every other flat iron ever is supposed to do. That seems legit, but isn’t enough to make me spend $150 on it.

Healthy-looking – Well at least we aren’t flat-out saying it makes your hair actually healthy. But really, using a tool like this is going to temporarily mask at least some of the damage wrought upon it anyway.

Straighten, wave, curl… – any flat iron can do these things, this is not a selling point.

…with no breakage or damage – This, flat out, is a lie. Period. You aren’t going to stick a 400° tool in your hair on even a semi-regular basis and expect it to be totally fine and as if nothing happened.

NanoIonic™ – Gotta love marketing buzz-words. Please ignore this, it means nothing to and for your hair.

…eliminating frizz and split-ends – Yes, temporarily, because this is a heat product used in conjunction with a silicone-containing treatment. I could probably get the same results with my four-year-old-and-dying Revlon iron and any decent smoothing treatment.

…loaded with agave plant sugars – is this supposed to be appealing? Why would I want to put agave nectar in my hair? It is not going to strengthen it; it may help protect it when used, but it is not going to strengthen it further. It will not increase resiliency.

Man. What a load of ridiculous.

But wait, there’s more!

Agave Vapor Iron only works when used in conjunction with Vapor Infusion. It features three iron settings: low for fragile/fine hair texture, medium for normal/medium hair texture, and high for resistant/coarse hair texture. Agave Vapor Iron maximum iron temperature is 420°F. Vapor Infusion conditioner is vegan, hypoallergenic, and gluten- and cruelty-free. Agave Vapor Iron and Infusion conditioner were developed by Fernando Romero, International Hairdresser and Beverly Hills salon owner.

…only works when used…with… – I know what they mean here, but it is worded poorly. They’re trying to say, “Hey you won’t reap all the FABULOUS BENEFITS unless you use our snake oil with our snake iron.” Wouldn’t it be funny, though, if the iron would literally not turn on?

Three (heat) settings – that’s it? I prefer a greater degree of control with my irons, personally – this feels too, “a couple sizes fit all,” and that isn’t an appropriate approach to take with hair.

Gluten-free – For the love of tiny cats – really? Even if you are a Celiac sufferer, using a hair product with gluten is not going to cause you discomfort. This is ridiculous, unnecessary marketing.

I checked the product’s site to see if there was any explanation as to why the combination of these two is such that it makes a substantial difference, but I could find nothing of the sort. I find that disappointing – if your product really does live up to what you say, why wouldn’t you include this information? The Agave Healing Vapor Infusion, which is supposedly required with this glorified iron-with-steam, costs $20 for a 4oz. bottle once you use up what you get when you buy the iron – far too expensive to keep up with as far as I’m concerned.

On top of that, the reviews everywhere are not impressive. As always, if it seems too good (or ridiculous) to be true, you’re probably screwed. Steer clear of this one, friends.