MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about everything going on, sources confirmed Monday that a secluded cave on an icy peak in the Andes mountains is the one place left on earth where you can escape this. “If you wish to free yourself from all of this, your sole viable option is to hike 15 days through blistering subzero temperatures to a remote, frozen Argentinian cavern that, unlike every other location on the globe, remains unaffected by any of it,” sources said of the small and almost inaccessible refuge, which is situated 22,000 feet above sea level at the summit of Aconcagua and is the lone spot without internet access and far from radio and television signals where you are still able to live a peaceful, quiet, and honest life in which you are not constantly bombarded by all this. “Not even the most desolate stretches of the Sahara or isolated depths of the Amazon are cloistered enough for you to avoid this entirely. It’s only upon reaching the cave that you will find yourself far enough away from this to actually, for once, hear your own thoughts. Here, and here alone, will everything finally dissipate as the refrain of ‘I am here, I am here’ occupies your serene and, at last, undisturbed mind.” At press time, reports confirmed the icy cave was no longer a place where you can escape this.

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