WASHINGTON—Replacing the patchwork of empty fields, municipal parks, and wooded roadside areas throughout the country where Americans currently engage in such recreational activity, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land for anonymous sexual encounters. “It’s vitally important that U.S. citizens, both now and in the future, have access to a designated, federally protected expanse of dense wilderness and verdant undergrowth in which they can furtively solicit and engage in sex with strangers,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, adding that the lands, which span remote portions of southern Wyoming and northern Colorado, would feature plenty of small forest clearings, abundant tucked-away gullies, and numerous bathroom facilities where individuals could embark on spontaneous, uninhibited trysts with nameless strangers. “Every American should have the right to experience the thrill of flashing one’s car headlights in a dimly lit parking lot, retreating into the park’s vast expanses of tall grasses, and engaging in surreptitious and liberating sexual activity under the cover of darkness before wordlessly departing, never to see that partner again.” Jewell then revealed that an additional 10,000 acres directly adjacent to the parkland would be set aside for perverts who like to peer in and watch that type of thing.

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