Every now and then I like to update my list of personal rules. I find it helpful to have a list so I can later tell an offender “That’s number six on my list of things I don’t do.” It sounds more decisive than simply stating a preference at the moment.

Scott’s Updated Rules

1. Don’t ask me to remind you of something later. All you are doing is transferring your future failure to me. I’m not going to remember your thing.

2. If you don’t have an opinion on where to eat, I’m going to give you two choices. Please pick one. Ideally, that is the end of the conversation, not the starting point.

3. Don’t mail me anything. And don’t ask me to mail you anything. I no longer allow physical mail in my home. I stop it in the garage and process it for recycling. Physical mail is little more than garbage that gets delivered. (Not counting packages you actually ordered.)

4. Don’t send me to find something for you. I won’t be able to find that email or file you want. I won’t be able to find the mustard in the fridge. I won’t be able to find your keys where you claim you left them. I won’t be able to find anything. If it is lost, and you need it, I can’t solve that problem. I’m busy looking for my own lost stuff.

5. Don’t me tell long stories when my body is three-quarters turned away and I am literally miming that I am taking a step away from you. That is the “I need to do something right now” look and it is your cue to wrap up your story.

6. If I invite you to do anything – no matter what it is – do not extend that invitation to some other dude because you think he would like it too. You may invite a woman without checking with me first. But I do not accept dude pass-through invitation. I have enough guys in my life. I don’t want to meet your friend even though I am sure he is terrific.

7. Don’t ask me to have a movie night at my house. It is not possible to find three adults who want to watch the same movie at the same time.

8. Don’t ask me to take a walk with you if you plan to bring your phone.

9. If you’re being a scientific moron, I’m going to call you out, even if we’re on the same side of a social debate. For example, don’t say marijuana must be safe because it is a plant. I’m not going to let that go.

10. The time to tell me that you will be late is when you first know it. Not after you are actually late.

Do you have any rules of etiquette you would like to update?

Scott

Bonus joke: Over on Twitter I just tweeted “The real hero is Donald Trump’s barber. That guy sacrifices his reputation every day to keep Trump out of The White House. #therealhero”

That is another example of an “engineered” joke that “solves” for two unrelated events. See how easy humor is?

In Top Tech Blog:

When computers can analyze your blood and suggest chemical additives to reprogram you to better health or higher productivity, is that not a case of robots programming humans? That’s coming.

At the moment, a human still makes the ultimate decision about what chemicals get added to the body. But once Watson does better than the human doctors (which is probably already the case), it is turtles all the way down.