Pitchfork published a terrific profile of Justin Vernon, aka Bon Iver, aka the guy who writes songs so mournful that he turned a generation of sad boys into sad men. Jeremy D. Larson’s piece is rich with details about the Eau Claire County crooner, but the best one is in the first sentence:

“Justin Vernon lights a blunt as he charges his Tesla, which is affectionately named John Teshla.”

It’s hilarious imagining that the man, famous for writing sad tunes alone in the woods, drives the automobile preferred by Jake Paul. But it’s even better that he’s named it after a pun on everyone’s favorite former Entertainment Tonight host and composer of the best sports theme song.

While we’re talking about Bon Iver, I’ve actually been thinking a lot about the music I liked in high school and college, thanks to the many mutations of the Spongebob lunch table memes that have polluted my timeline:

ATTN 2000s high school grads of the alt persuasion: where are you sitting??? pic.twitter.com/qKjNlCNf9c — Suzy Exposito (@HexPositive) August 13, 2019

(I’m a one, four, and five, in that order — though I have some misgivings about these groupings. Anyway.)

I got to wondering: what would the indie bands I loved a decade ago name their Teslas? So like Justin Vernon, I lit a blunt, charged my electric car, and wrote down some ideas.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Model Y Control

The Shins: Car-ing Is Creepy

MGMT: Electric Feel (don’t even have to do anything to this one)

LCD Soundsystem: Azealia Banks Is Playing at My House

Arcade Fire: My Battery Is a Cage

The Killers: SpaceXman

Interpol: Obstacle Model 3

3 Hoobastank: Hyperloopastank (h/t Sean, who somehow knew that I love singing “The Reason” at karaoke)

Broken Social Scene: Anthems for a 48-Year-Old Baby

Death Cab for Cutie: I Will Follow You Into the Dank Memes

Radiohead: Karma Police (the SEC)

Strokes: Someday (in reference to Tesla’s profitability)

Strokes: Hard to Explain (in reference to Elon’s behavior)

Strokes: You Talk Way Too Much (in reference to Elon’s tweets)

Strokes: Room on Fire (you get the point — the Strokes make this very easy)

All that to say, go read the Bon Iver profile at Pitchfork. It’s a lot more thoughtful than these bad puns. And please drop off your worst indie puns in the comments.