Dearly loved friends and relations, I have the honor of welcoming you all to this ceremony, in which we will wed Matt and Michelle to each other.

They asked me to say a few words to set the proper mood and tone for their wedding.

I thought for quite some time about what I would say, discarding metaphors and quotes of love, before finally settling on a topic near to their hearts – Today I'm going to say a few words about zombies.

Zombies. The shambling ghouls of black and white Saturday matinees and the quick, ravenous monsters of modern horror are all suffering from the same disease – disconnection – from the world around them and from each other.

And aren't we all there sometimes?

Don't we shuffle to work, monosyllabic, until we get our caffeine, and then go through the motions of work and house as if completely unaware of other people? Don't we set our sights on one desire after another, rushing from experience to experience without actually stopping to enjoy any of it?



Haven't you found yourself staring into space, wishing for just a little more brains?

Matt and Michelle were there too and they've decided to take the only vaccine that works – they've decided to get married. By which I mean they've decided to get connected — unashamedly, unhesitatingly connected — to each other.

In this they refuse to become numb themselves, they promise to give each other attention, consideration, and kindness – emotions zombies most certainly do not share. They refuse to feed on the heart and mind of the other, agreeing instead to grow those things together and share them equally. And they vow not to allow the other to become a zombie when they aren't looking – slipping into apathy, numbness, and a maddening hunger. They do these things with the shotguns of their love strapped strongly to their backs and the truncheons of their humor held firmly in their hands.

Together, they will defend their humanity and their home with all the wit, grace, and power of any spunky heroine or over-sized hero.

Together they are an example of what is possible when two people set their sights on the same star. They cut through our 21st century cynicism and prove that, in fact, zombification is not inevitable — that friendship, love, and desire, when held with both hands, are the only weapons any of us need to stay human.

With the zombies held at bay by their mutual promises, Michelle and Matt are ready to face the other monsters of life – defending against the Frankenstein coworkers, the Soul Vampires of false friends, and the Mummy of age itself.

The adventure they are about to embark on has all the magic of any Hollywood movie and all the terror of true Lovecraftian horror – dread Cthulhu has nothing on balancing family Christmases.

But the truest fact is that as long as they stick together, connected to each other, the zombies of life, real and imagined, apathetic and disastrous, cannot harm them.

That said, let's get married, shall we?

– Written by L.E.H. Light, 2008