This election has got me plumb tuckered out. My fatigue undoubtedly stems from the fact that I check the polls more than once a day, that I now know how many electoral votes New Mexico has, and that I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome from registering fake voters for Acorn.

Now look, I have said from the very beginning that I’m rooting for the black guy in this thing. Why? Because I find it funny to say, “I’m rooting for the black guy.” It makes me sound both progressive and ignorant in the same breath, a combination I find irresistible. I also happen to find him the better candidate, as well as the only remaining candidate who, to my knowledge, has never called his wife a cunt. Which, in my mind, is a plus.

And the election has been good for my own marriage because it’s given my wife and I something to talk about for the first time in… ever. I tend to goad her on whenever she starts talking about the election because when she’s talking about her dislike for the Republicans, she’s ignoring her own dislike for me. Which is great.

But enough’s enough. I feel like the kid who’s been given free run of the candy shop and ate himself sick. This election has gotten me nauseous. It’s just not fun anymore. The fact that I now even know enough about Acorn to make a joke about them proves it. The fact that any of us is now familiar with the term “first dude” further proves it. I will be so happy on November 5th when I can finally turn my attention away from electing the leader of the free world and return it to the financial apocalypse currently underway. Whoever wins, Barack or Methuselah, is going to find himself in a biblical-sized shit storm upon taking the oath.

Just to put all of this in perspective, not only has our economic meltdown taken a backseat to formerly obscure domestic terrorist/Chicago “citizen of the year” Bill Ayers, but I feel like NOBODY is talking about the fact that Lindsay Lohan totally came out of the closet! What’s the matter with this country??? When did our national priorities get so completely and totally fucked?