Postpartum Sex, Miss Manners, Slightly Less Gay Friends—Reader Advice Roundup!

This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: Let's say you saw a judgmental gay prude eating ass in a sex club... do you have to keep quiet ? Let's say your ex is into group sex and is pressuring you to have threesomes you don't wanna have... should you get back together with him ? Let's say your relationship is loving but sexless and you need sex to be happy and your partner refuses to discuss it... is there a way to fix this ? Let's say your partner won't share her kinks but will tell you their kinks are scary... what does that even mean ? And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast

Regarding my advice for the very pregnant woman who was wondering about sex post-pregnancy...

I'd like to give my two cents to that one. I'm a physical therapist, and we do a LOT of pelvic floor work. Sex does not have to be delayed (for very long!!) after delivery! Typically, six weeks is what's "recommended," but usually you can just wait until scars heal and go from there... but with low expectations. Try mellow sex positions, or rear entry options, and nothing too fast. If sex is painful for greater than six wks out, that is 100% a pelvic floor dysfunction, and I highly recommend going to see a pelvic floor PT to work on strengthening or stretching tight floor muscles. I also recommend going to see one during the first few weeks of every trimester (but it sounds like we're a bit too late for that one in this case) to figure out what to work on in order to ensure a smooth delivery. Good answer otherwise though! Outercourse is great in the meantime while stuff heals!

And...

Thanks for your advice for the reader! Just a bit of advice from my midwife for postpartum PIV sex for the first couple times: 1. Lube, lube, lube! 2. Vagina haver on top or other positions where they have control... And they control the thrust... (We're not necessarily looking for an orgasm on either end. It's more about getting back into the rhythm of it.) 3. A sense of humor!

Someone did a deep dive into the Savage Lovecast archives...

Working my way through the back catalog, I listened to Savage Lovecast Episode 481 and cannot let go the guy from the Philly area who was dating two “girls.” Speaking as a woman, seems the guy was a douchebag. Maybe there was more to the call than I heard, but seemed like he dishonestly gave them both the impression that he was seeing no one else, which is a pretty shitty thing to do. Not dating two people at once, but lying abut it. He (and you) thought it would be too devastating to be the one not chosen. Speaking as a woman, if I was in her situation and found out he’d been lying about the exclusivity of the relationship, I’d think, “Good riddance and good luck to the other woman.” Anyway, thanks much for a great podcast!

Regarding my advice for Too Confused To Come Up With A Clever Signature...

I disagree with "the gayest friends" part of your advice, Dan. I like the idea of the gay lunch. I do. But not the GAYEST friend. The writer said her dad was reserved, a calm anchor-of-the-family type. I find it hard to believe this guy would open up to Elton John. Now, a married gay couple that looks like everybody else, two guys with normal jobs and a kid and telling stories about their honeymoon to Patagonia a few years ago, those are people his dad could relate to. But not a protein powdered gym rat in orange glasses and stretchy clothes.

Okay, maybe not TCTCUWACS's gayest friend. But I think she should err on the side of inviting—or engineering a meeting with—a friend who is unambiguously gay. Her father, at age 80, may not have the best gaydar and I think she should err on the side of gayer, if not gayest, when she asks a friend to join her and dad for lunch.

Regarding Blabber Mouth...

I was disappointment and a little surprised in the content of your reprinted letter rom Blabber Mouth. I'm only writing you about it because I otherwise generally enjoy your work. Above all else, I wondered if you had considered the potentially serious impacts of "greenlighting" the gossip your writer asked about. In many US states, an employer could legally fire the target of the gossip (i.e. your letter writer's "Prig" friend) if they don't like the idea of working with gays and/or kinksters and hear about this persons acts at the club. Even with legal protection, the gossip can lead to many other forms of personal or professional harm. Now, I imagine your response to this might be that the letter writer has assumed this hazard because he chose to commit this sexual activity in a public arena. But there is a lot of context that you, I, and the letter writer may lack altogether. For example: 1. The gossiper may have misidentified the person performing the sex act in the club. It can and does happen. 2. the person your letter writer spotted and his sex partner (in the club) may not have been strangers at all. Let's imagine they were romantic partners, and after many conversations the target of gossip decided to be GGG and indulge his lover's fantasy of a public, pseudo-anonymous act. It's at least possible, right? Why not remind the gossiper that they should at least consider missing information and unexpected consequences before blabbing? You made room in your article to call out Mr.Prig for hypocrisy. Next time, Dan, maybe you could you also find room to at least concede that gossip can be misinformed and harmful? We've already got so much suicide, depression, bullying, and legal discrimination in the LGBTQ community. Maybe Mr. Prig's priggishness is part of these problems, but so (in my opinion) is the kind of gossip you've fully endorsed in the reposted editorial.

And...

Been reading your column in The Onion since I was ten years old and I had the chance to see you in Madison a long time ago. But about this week's SLLOTD repeat... I need to know: Did Miss Manners ever write back?

She did not, sadly.

Regarding Savage Love Expert, the reader who read the entire Savage Love archive...

Another avid reader here who LOVES you/your column and I thought SLE did an excellent summary of your philosophy. However, I think your description of the essence of your columns needs a slight correction. Your advice is actually more Platinum Rule (“Treat others the way they would like to be treated”) than Golden Rule. Everything from BDSM to cuckholding to a couple's rules of non-monogamy acknowledges the fact that the two people in a relationship may desire different treatment from the other. Support The Stranger More than ever, we depend on your support to help fund our coverage. Support local, independent media with a one-time or recurring donation. Thank you!

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