Heaven—

Due to the political controversies over abortion rights in the US, God is reportedly furious that conservatives claim to speak for what He wants.

“Anywhere from 25-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, considering how many women don’t even realize they ever got pregnant before it naturally ended, so why do conservatives think I’m so adamant women should not have control over their own bodies and reproductive rights?” God demanded in a seemingly intoxicated rant during a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “In general, I can’t say that death and murder bother me. Have you ever seen a nature documentary? There’s nothing that gets me going more than a pack of wolves chasing down and eating a baby deer or sheep! I did not design nature as a soft, cuddly place for fetuses and newborns! Have you ever seen a mommy crab with her thousands of baby crabs just sit there eating them as they hatch? I love that stuff! You know how many species have to give birth to hundreds of young at a time because the only way the species continues on genetically is if enough are born to fill up mommy’s tummy so the others have a chance to run or swim away and grow up? I do, because I’m God, and it’s a f*** ton! Why do you think I designed Hell? I love to see suffering! I’m not a nice deity. Sure, I’ve calmed down since the Old Testament days, but… Remember when I almost made Abraham murder Isaac? It wasn’t a test of faithfulness, I was bored! And remember all the cities I burned to the ground, and peoples I genocided? I don’t know why conservatives are always acting like I think every life is sacred. You know how much life on this planet from single-cells all the way up to humans get eaten alive every single day? I’ll let you in on a little secret: there’s way more pro-life people in Hell than pro-choicers! Ha! I’m anti-anti-abortion!”

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Painting courtesy of Guercino: God The Father And Angel.

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