I have been out on dates, friends, and they have come from the Internet. I’ve been out with doctors and nurses, students and teachers, athletes and academics. I’ve been out with black women, white women, short women, tall women, women who I’m not even sure were women at all. I have met long-term girlfriends on the Internet, and people who became friends I’ll keep for years. I’ve also met women who, if I saw them on the street, I would sprint – not run, mind you, but sprint – in the opposite direction. Why am I telling you this? So that you might learn from my experience.

I have gone on terrible Internet dates so you don’t have to. Take these stories, friends, learn from them, and pass them on. The stigma from computer dating is gone now, nearly everyone has tried it. Perhaps you yourself are considering it right now. First, read these. You’re welcome.

The Sex Crier: I think we can all agree that sex can be, at times, an emotional experience. Especially when you’re doing it with someone as gifted in the ways of intimacy as myself. (Spoiler Alert: Not true.) But to start crying within the first 30 seconds of intercourse is, let’s say, a little off-putting. But hey, things happen, we’re complicated beings. So Sex Crier and I (her name should’ve been a tip-off) have a little conversation. Apparently this is a thing that happens often to her, and the best approach is to just keep on going. While she cries. For a reason she will not discuss. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to have relations while being soaked in a shower of your partner’s tears, but it’s a bit of a mood killer. And It doesn’t help when she starts yelling at you for seeming distracted. Because how could you possibly not stay in the moment when a weeping lady is insisting you have sex with her? This relationship did not last terribly long.

The Deaf Teacher: You never know what will attract you to a person, and in this case, it was her job. I saw a sweet looking girl online who taught deaf children for a living, and I was immediately taken. What an interesting and difficult career choice – I had to get to know her. So I asked her out, and practiced concealing my sarcasm and general lack of good will. Here’s how it went…

Me: So how did you get into teaching deaf children? Not her Deaf Teacher: Oh, I didn’t want to really, but it costs less to get a degree in teaching the deaf than it does to teach normal kids, so I figured, “why not”? Me (mulling that one over): …Oh? Are there government grants or something? Deaf Teacher: Yeah, and now I know why. It sucks teaching deaf kids. They can’t hear at all, and it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I just kinda give up. Me: That seems…you give up? Deaf Teacher: Well, yelling doesn’t work because they’re deaf, you know? They don’t really prepare you for that in the classes. Me (looking around to see if anyone else is getting this): Yeah, no that must be- Deaf Teacher: I just do it so I can have money for AC. Me: AC? Deaf Teacher: Atlantic City. I kinda have a thing for blackjack. I go down every Friday and play through the weekend. When I save up enough I’m gonna quit teaching and become a professional blackjack player. Gambling is so much more fun than working with deaf kids. And you’re allowed to drink. Me: I fold.

Girl With a Mustache: Not much to say on this one. I went out with a girl who had a mustache. Went about as well as you’d expect.

This Date is On Fire: I heard this one from a date, and it’s so good I had to pass it along. A girl has dinner with a guy, and all is going well. He wants to tell her a clever story, so he leans in for effect and moves the dinner candle to the side. Unfortunately though he pushes the flame a bit too close, and before she knows it, the girl’s hair has caught on fire. It really goes up apparently, and she doesn’t now what to do. Her date, being the gentleman he was, takes the matter in hand and…starts laughing. He loves it so much that instead of helping her he takes out his cellphone and snaps a picture! AMAZING. Finally, the poor girl’s waiter runs over and pats down her hair with a towel. I say again, AMAZING. No matter what happens, I will always be a better date then the guy who lit a girl’s hair on fire.

The Girl Who Lived in a Shack: As I said earlier, not all that comes from Internet dating is a disaster. I have met good people and had plenty of grand experiences. One in fact led to a very respectable little six month relationship, which unfortunately ended without explanation. One of those “we have to break up, I don’t really know why, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.” I was downtrodden, but such is life. Then, months later, I saw the roommate of this girl out at a bar. After a bit of chit chat, I asked how the ex was doing. The answer that I will never forget was “oh, I don’t know. She kinda went nutty. After she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.” He was a “survivalist”, whatever that is, and chose to live without electricity or running water to make a point about society. And she lived with him. Fantastic. You know you’ve won a breakup when you hear the sentence “after she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.”

And the sad thing is, I’m only scratching the surface here. I have reams and reams of these stories, believe me. But maybe that’s not sad. The crazy, the unpredictable, the highly flammable – they’re all part of the Internet dating experience. You take the good with the bad, and if the last was lousy then maybe the next will be outstanding. Hey, I know I’m no prize. I mean, I have a blog for God sakes. I’m sure I’ve provided a funny story or two for the women I’ve dated. Here’s hoping they don’t have a blog too.

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