SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling. “Yeah, go ahead,” said Werner, casually assenting in a manner that masked an ocean of pain and regret at having forever relinquished his claim to the fried pork-filled appetizer that, with the entirety of his being, he had so coveted. “No, it’s fine. All yours, man.” At press time, Werner had once again turned his back on his true yearnings by agreeing to split the check down the middle although he had ordered significantly less food.

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