

HONOLULU, HA –

A Hawaiian civil defense worker who mistakenly clicked a button alerting millions of island residents that the arrival of an incoming ballistics missile was imminent, apologized today and said playing the popular internet game Candy Crush was likely responsible for her inadvertent action.

I Am So Addicted To That Game

“I play that game waaaaay too much,” said the state emergency preparedness employee whose name was not released. “Morning, noon, night, I just can’t seem to stop. It’s so addicting! Click, click, click. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even feel my fingers pushing on the screen anymore. They’ve got a mind of their own!”

“I’m just sorry that they kind of took over in this particular instance, since I realize a lot of people were inconvenienced.”

38 Minutes Of Absolute Terror

While state employees worked to notify the general public that the island was not about to be annihilated by a North Korean nuclear missile, millions of people scrambled for cover.

“These were the most terrifying moments of my entire 57 years,” said Marvin Kalawaiia. “I didn’t know what to do. There was nowhere to hide. I just crawled under my kitchen table and waited for the flash. It was horrible.”

“I almost drove off the road when my sister read me that text,” said Lecretia Barwin of Ewa Beach. “I was swerving toward the curb and hit the brakes just in time before crashing into a mailbox. Literally my life was flashing before my eyes. I even saw the face of my first boyfriend which was definitely not something I needed today.”

Those Darn Candies

“I know I shouldn’t be playing at work,” said the employee responsible for the alert. “And I don’t do it often, but I was getting really close to level 147 this morning and just needed a few more triple-triples to get there.”

“I guess after the excitement of playing I sort of just clicked the wrong button out of habit when we were rehearsing the ballistics missile alert. I have that same problem with the game. It’s very frustrating.”

Lesson Learned

Although she wasn’t sure if she would continue to play Candy Crush at work or not, the unnamed worker said she was going to be very careful going forward whenever she was clicking buttons for statewide emergencies.

“We are doing the volcano eruption alerts next week. And I am definitely going to think twice about what I am doing until I’m absolutely sure. Although, it doesn’t help that the alerts are the same color red as those cherry gumdrops in the game. And usually when I see those cherry gumdrops, I click as fast as I can, because they are worth a lot of points.”

A spokesperson for the Strategic Air Command in charge of the US nuclear arsenal said that while the false alarm was regrettable, it was a state error and did not reflect on the nation’s overall nuclear preparedness.

He also added that all defense department workers in the chain to initiate a nuclear strike are limited to 2 hours of Candy Crush maximum per day while on duty. And are allowed to play only 1/2 hour tops when seated at their command station consoles.



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