VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church follows Facebook, Monsanto, and the American Dentist’s Union as the latest to announce its foray into digital currencies. VatiCoin is coming!

The platform, set to launch this Christmas, is “absolutely necessary for the continued convenience to our parishioners around the world,” explained Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Riciclaggio Denaro. “Despite our tax-exempt status, there is still a lot of accounting that needs to be done, and frankly it takes a lot of time. With that burden lifted, we will have much more energy to perform our sacred corporal and spiritual works of mercy. And I really would like to get some more time on the bocce field.”

Cardinal Riciclaggio Denaro

Denaro explained that instead of using the popular publicly visible transaction model – known as blockchain – they will instead be “leaving it all in God’s hands. I can’t think of a more reliable bookkeeper, personally,” he said. “It requires someone even-tempered and detail-oriented, after all.”

VatiCoin

INDULGENCES

In the 1500s the Catholic Church outlawed the sale of indulgences, which are payments given in exchange for forgiveness of certain sins. However, Pope Francis has determined that cryptocurrencies are not subject to the same regulatory strictures as government-issued monies. Pope Francis made a papal decree allowing for the sale of VatiCoin.

VatiCoin holders may receive rewards for trade-ins at certain levels:

1 VatiCoin – forgiveness for one act of unintentional ignorance, i.e. accidental misuse of contemporary slang phrases.

5 VatiCoin – forgiveness for one light sin, i.e. knowingly speeding in a school zone.

25 VatiCoin – forgiveness for one sin of the flesh, i.e. drunkenness, carousing, licentiousness, or nocturnal emission.

50 VatiCoin – forgiveness for one mortal sin, i.e. striking another parent during a Little League baseball game.



So this Christmas, give yourself the gift of forgiveness, buy some VatiCoin!