Charlie Arrowood, 32, is a nonbinary person who parents two kids with their wife of 13 years (Long Island)

I happen to be fairly close with my birth family. We have a fairly small family, and we just are pretty comfortable with each other. So, I didn’t stray far from that in making my own family as I grew up.

I think that a lot of trans people really end up searching elsewhere for that family, because they don’t have a situation like that. So I’m fortunate. We have our moments, in large part around the gender thing, but they’re pretty OK about it.

I’ve been with my wife now for 13 years, so once we got together, I had support, and I was able to sort myself out a little bit more. When I decided that I wanted to have top surgery, she was on board. I didn’t necessarily lean on my birth family as much for support and permission and all that.

When I came out as gay to my mom in middle school, she got upset and she said: I’m disappointed, I thought I would have grandchildren. And I said: well, if you don’t think I’m going to have children, you don’t know me at all.

My kids are three and five, and my parents use my birth name, and they use she and her for me, and my kids will correct them. My son’s teacher pulled me aside at pick-up one day, and said: I know you don’t do Father’s Day, how would you like me to handle this? So, they made me a little Parent’s Day card, and it was adorable.

The kids call me “abba”, which is Hebrew for dad. Before I transitioned, my son called me “eema”, which is Hebrew for mom. And then once I started transitioning, I was uncomfortable with that, so we switched it.

For me, if it’s not sparking joy, then leave it. If people who are part of your nominal family are not making you happy, and they’re complicating your life, and bringing you anxiety and stress and sadness, drop them. Go somewhere else, because there are people out there who you can create a family with.