From Glen Corvus

Good evening, faithful! I hope the Lord’s Day finds you happy, well-fed and blissfully ignorant of the horrible realities that currently plague our blessed world. For in these troubling times, it has never been more important for good Christian men and subservient Christian women to focus on the truly unimportant. However, as we inch ever closer to our Lord’s gruesomely delightful Apocalypse, I say to you we must do more than just ignore social injustice; we must help to cause it! And children of sweet, baby Jesus, that is why I am here today; to speak to you of the true Church of our most-high, omnipotent, jealous, perfect, loving, murderous, multilingual, well-dressed, socio-psycho-telepathic God! That church, followers and wealthy friends, is called the GOP (God’s Only People). I certainly hope you will join me as I reveal to you the prophecy of the Republichristian Church of Jesunomics…

Allow me to introduce myself; I am the Honorable, Admirable, Confirmed, Blameless and Benevolent Reverend, Pastor, Doctor and Preacher Glen Corvus III, PhD, MMA, OB/GYN, and one of the few remaining Highlanders. I speak to Jesus every day; I live a clean, saintly, strictly heterosexual life; and I have personally received the Quickening of over 179 warriors. I am the father of thirty or more God-fearing children, all birthed by the same pure and virtuous woman through insemination; for my holy member is much too Lordly and mighty and would likely destroy my humble wife-servant were I to know her in the Biblical sense. It is most certainly not because I am gay, which I am not. Now that you know my credentials, let us move on to the discussion of the day.

Friends, country-men, wealthy potential donors, the Republichristian Church has accepted a mission from the Lord. This mission, much like the ones you would find in a Tom Clancy video game, is both simple to conceive and conceived to be simple. But do not be distressed when the Leftist, Commie, Pinko, Gaymosexual, Baby-Killing, Nazi Atheists call you simple-minded. Have you not read in the good book that being of simple mind is a clear county road leading to the hidden driveway of your celestial golden mansion? It is written in Second Bocephus, chapter five, verse nine. Bocephus is one of the lost Undead Sea Scrolls; so do not burden yourself with looking it up.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Pretend time is over.

This is just regular old Glen Corvus, terrified citizen of the southeastern United States of Christylvania. I am an ordinary man who has noticed more and more every single day that our country is being run by a group of educated and experienced adults who, for some reason, believe the best plan for the USA is to base our laws on those found in a 2,000 year-old collection of mythological stories. This collection, called The Bible, is at best a cobbled-together, scientifically and historically-flawed, inconsistent and contradictory assortment of stories written by dozens of anonymous tribal nomads who never met, over a period of hundreds of years, during a time-period in which science consisted of stoning to death anyone who chose not to attribute the laws of nature to an invisible man who lived at the top of a mountain.

And yet, this book, despite the exponentially vast and detailed body of scientific knowledge we have discovered over the past century, is still being used to influence public policy. In our country–one we like to consider among the most civilized on the planet–our leaders still turn to a book that offers up trustworthy gems of knowledge like the following: bats are birds, unicorns and dragons exist, gay people and disobedient children should be murdered with rocks, the Earth is flat, and God makes magical rays of multi-colored light after the rain to remind us he will never again heartlessly massacre every man, woman and child on the planet in a flood event every bit as unbelievable as Jack and the Beanstalk.

The influence of this book has spread so wide–by the ruthless conquest of empires and upon pain of death and torture–that we now have to deal with Congressmen reading scripture aloud in an effort to prove Climate Change is unimportant. “God won’t let us destroy the planet; that’s his job!” Recently, these Republichristians have decided that taking away funding from Planned Parenthood is the key to fixing the budget. Why? Because this ancient book of desert mythology said a guy named Onan was punished by God for ‘spilling his seed’. Never mind that this was a specific incident involving one man who was being punished for refusing to continue the family-line of his dead brother’s widow. Never mind also the fact that the Bible never says anything bad about actual, voluntary abortion. And don’t ever even think about minding the fact that the Bible is full of instances of God literally commanding his people to brutally murder children, infants and pregnant women. Remember, this is the God of Noah, who in forty days performed more abortions than every doctor alive combined!

So, while Republicans waste your time and tax dollars trying to convince you that cutting $75,000,000 from a $3,800,000,000,000 budget is progress, think about the fact that this would not be happening if only these people would stop believing in their imaginary friend called God. Over the past thirty years, Republicans have manipulated millions of people into believing that sweet, baby Jesus–the Buddha of the Bible–would stand behind the practices and morals of gigantic, greedy, toxic, evil corporations and the disgusting, vile, criminally-insane financial dictators who run them, all while running those same devoted believers into the ground. The solution seems clear to me; cut the cord. If belief in the bat-shit delusions written in the Bible is what keeps Republicans in power, then I dare say the most important renewable resource in our great land just might be the atheist.

The Right-wing Republican dogma can be boiled down to one essential phrase: “Fuck the poor.” I say we take them up on the offer; but afterwards, let’s raise the resulting children to not believe in fairy tales. I mean, unless you want to abort them or something. ;)