10. Steven Seagal

At some point the Hollywood Seagal became washed up, fatter and fell under the spell of mind-altering silk suits that seemed to take over his wardrobe and persona. His offering to the music world is a slice of pop-contemporary-blues that can only be described as abhorrent.

This film clip features a chubby Seagal enjoying a Gary Glitter-esque trip to Thailand where he woos a teenage girl. She seems confused and somewhat withdrawn when Seagal’s busy hands are used, not to karate chop her skull, but to tenderly (and creepily) fondle her naked back while singing “it’s alright with me” in her ear. Hey Steven she is half your age, weight and wearing half as much silk… of course it’s alight with you!

To detract us from the dark undertone that runs through this musical abomination, he is seen roughhousing village children in a jovial manner and riding elephants that are only slightly larger then him. Sorry Steve, but stick to producing your energy drinks because the taste your music leaves in our mouth is even worse.

9. Crispin Glover

Crispin is most notably known for his role as McFly in Back to the future. Yep, as an actor you could basically hang your hat on that achievement.

Crispin’s song, aptly named “Clowny Clown Clown,” made him a shoe-in for this list. “Clowny Clown Clown” is one of the best examples of hallucinogenic drug abuse manifested in musical form since Ringo Star was given the “artistic freedom” to write Yellow Submarine. The extent of Crispin’s talent is evident in the first few lines of “Clowny Clown Clown” as he somehow rhymes: ground, sound, around, clown and frown. Stand aside Dr. Seuss, I think you just met your match.

8. Joaquin Phoenix

The man has serious acting talent. In fact I’m finding it hard to pick any holes in his body of work. However, his dabbling in music has been the butt of many jokes. The beard, hobo appearance and the almost unforgivable crime of wearing brown corduroy pants suggest Joaquin is Joaqu-o.

7. The Hoff

There is no doubt the great man has versatility. He helped smash the Berlin Wall and topple the iron curtain; he can also smash a double cheese & bacon burger while being outrageously drunk. Perhaps his greatest natural ability was displayed on the set of Baywatch where he was able to magically suck his lower intestine into his chest cavity, giving the impression he was only half fat.

One area the Hoff doesn’t excel is music. He is responsible for a litany of musical disasters but surely his Hindenburg moment was his rendition of “Jump in My Car”. This rare example of lameness dances the uncomfortable line between self-parody and attempting to artistically create something audiences will take serious. A bit like a street mime, I guess (if only the Hoff was just as silent…).

6. Edward Furlong

I know what you’re thinking. When the hell did Edward Furlong have a music career? Well it’s a little known fact that between filming Terminator II and becoming a drug addled, pasty, bloated, washed up child actor he recorded some seriously bad tunes.

His single “Hold on Tight” was so bad that had the T1000 heard it, Edward’s off-pitch singing would have corrupted Arnie’s protection program, causing him to punch a hole straight through John Connor’s throat.

Just as the Germans are to blame for the Hoff’s music career, so the Japanese are to blame for Edward’s- they funded and recorded this album of shame. It can only be assumed that the Japanese love affair with Edward is a result of their love of robots and anyone who’s had a contract on their life from a robot.

5. Bruce Willis

It pains me to say anything bad against the great man but gee whiz, Bruce really stunk the place up with maximum stinkage with his 1987 album Return of Bruno.

Thankfully for Bruce the greatest action movie Die Hard was released the following year, meaning he earned enough manliness credits to absolve his past girly entertainment sins.

If he never appeared in Die Hard, his career would have petered out and his resume would have read Moonlighting, Return of Bruno and Hudson Hawk… *shudder*

4. Corey Feldman

Drugs and music are often a marriage made in heaven. A rare exception to this: Corey Feldman and his ironically named song “Honesty.” If his manager was honest, he would have told Corey Feldman to forget music and concentrate on his one true skill: getting loaded with Corey Haim.

A testament to the hacky badness of “Honesty” is that the most credible moment of the music clip occurs when a guy calling himself “Sir Osis of Liver” introduces the song.

3. Gary Coleman

I don’t like to speak ill of the recently departed but I’m sure Gary’s doing hard time in purgatory for his musical sins on earth.

His duet named “Outlaw and the Indian” features Coleman exchanging cheese ball rhymes with a hyper effeminate Michael Jackson look-a-like in Dion Mial.

Coleman adds to the lack of credibility of this musical venture by performing in a cowboy costume that would have embarrassed an 8 year old playing ‘dress up’ in the 1950’s.

2. Mr. T

Mr. T’s song “Treat your Mother Right” warms the cockles of a listener’s heart the same way as acidy heartburn. And, just like heartburn, the message of this track is very hard to swallow.

It’s hardly surprising to learn that Mr. T received rap direction from Ice-T during the recording of this album, solid proof that Ice-T sold out long before acting on Law and Order: SVU.

1. Leonard Nimoy

I have always wondered why Dr Spock’s ears were a crazy shape. Here’s one theory: the pointy shape of Spock’s ears help to distort repugnant 1960’s hyper camp songs making them palatable to Vulcans. The normal shape of Human and Klingon ears means listening to the same music leads to acute cochlea pain. You have been warned non-Vulcans!

by James Faust

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