* Photo: Tim Morris * Maltitol

This is one of a family of mild sweeteners known as sugar alcohols, or polyols. Typically derived from natural carbs, they lack the harsh, metallic taste of calorie-free sweeteners. Sugar alcohols are absorbed very slowly (or not at all) in the intestines, so they don't cause spikes in blood-sugar level — hey diabetics, go nuts! And since oral bacteria can't digest them, they won't rot your teeth. Why isn't everything sweetened this way? Well, for one thing, that slow intestinal absorption can cause bloating, diarrhea, and flatulence.

Sorbitol

More sugar alcohol. Here, a simple glucose molecule (C6H12O6) is broken apart and two extra hydrogen atoms are added (making C6H14O6). The result is about half as sweet as the original compound. Sorbitol can also be found in peaches, plums, and other fruit.

Gum Base

Know why soft racing tires are called gum balls? Because they are! Chewing gum used to be made from the sap of manilkara trees; now the chew often comes from styrene-butadiene, the same petrochemical used to make car tires. Wrigley won't divulge its recipe but claims to still use some natural ingredients in its gum base — like, oh, boiled pine sap.

Glycerol

The sugar alcohols keep on coming. This clear, syrupy liquid, also known as glycerine, is a favorite in pharmaceuticals and personal care products for its smooth texture and moisturizing properties. A byproduct of biodiesel production, glycerol is now flooding global markets. Plans are afoot to turn it into ecofriendly antifreeze.

Aspartame

This stuff was being used in the development of an anti-ulcer drug in 1965 when a Searle researcher absentmindedly licked his fingers. About 200 times more potent than sugar, here the calorie-free additive compensates for the modest sweetness of sugar alcohols. A synthesis of two naturally occurring amino acids, it breaks down into small amounts of toxic chemicals like methanol and then formaldehyde in the body. The FDA isn't worried, so why should you be?

Acesulfame K

Geeky hip hop name? No, the K stands for potassium. This is another cloyingly intense calorie-free sweetener. It's rarely used alone, since it packs a particularly bitter aftertaste. Unlike aspartame, Ace K is totally artificial, so the body doesn't even try to metabolize it — in layman's terms, you just piss it away.

Sodium Bicarbonate

Orbit White's unique selling point is that it's supposed to help whiten your unsightly chompers. Enter sodium bicarbonate — good old baking soda — a plaque inhibitor and gentle abrasive that cleans teeth without damaging the enamel. Boo-yah! We can finally stop brushing our teeth.

Start Previous: A Stellar History: The Telescope Turns 400 Next: Pimp My Pony: Gear for the Equestrian Commute What's Inside: 2000 Flushes — a Nonstop Potty

What's Inside: Stomach-Bubble-Bursting Mylanta Classic

What's Inside: 'Just for Men' Hair Color

What's Inside: Foamalicious, Vaporlicious Easy-Off Oven Cleaner