NEW YORK CITY—Responding to an anonymous tip regarding alleged suspicious activity, police shot an unarmed black civilian who reportedly matched the description for Covid-19, sources confirmed Wednesday. “In the heat of the moment, it was completely impossible to differentiate between the 6-foot-1inch, 175-pound male and the 0.125-micron pathogen,” said Sergeant Troy Ellis of the NYPD, describing how the tips on the suspect’s shoelaces were nearly identical to the microscopic spikes found on the novel coronavirus. “Obviously this is an unfortunate mistake, but the party in question was potentially a highly contagious disease that could’ve infected the entire community, and we couldn’t take that risk. We’ve received numerous reports of the virus hanging out in the streets of nearby neighborhoods, and it is our responsibility to act. We put our lives on the line out here to serve and protect, and when the suspect put his arm up to cough into his elbow, we had no way of knowing whether he was a virus going for a gun.” At press time, leaked body cam footage revealed that the police officer had dropped a positive test result next to the suspect’s corpse.

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