Dear Mr. O’Leary and Premier Wynne,

Having had the opportunity to review your recent “open letters” to each other, we at the Beaverton have decided to write our own open letter to the two of you, so that we might express our concerns and reservations about your recent interactions. We do this not only for our good, or yours, but for the good of the country we all love so dear. Our main message is this:

Please…

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

I assume you both know that we all kind of hate you, but perhaps you think that a “fun social media war” will raise your popularity. We can not stress how wrong you are. We also can not emphasize enough how transparent what you are doing is.

To demonstrate our point we will now address you individually, in order of strongest to weakest jaw line. So Premier Wynne, you’re first.

Look Kath, we understand that you are staring into the abyss of popularity ratings so low that it seems like you will never recover (it’s true, you won’t). And you figure it can only help to rally the left behind you by picking a fight with “Canadian Donald Trump” aka “Mr. Wonderful” aka “human embodiment of the moment you realize you’ve stepped in dog poop” Kevin O’Leary. But, speaking on behalf of a left wing that has watched you benefit wealthy donors by privatizing Hydro One even as hydro bills went through the roof, we can assure you that won’t happen. You were the best of three bad choices in 2014 and it’s been downhill from there. Shape up.

Now Kev, you’re the worst and we expect this kind of shit from you, so we’ll keep this short. You are running to be leader of the second largest political party in the country and, by extension, Prime Minister. You are going to be criticized. A lot. Have you seen some of the shit we’ve written about you already? Trust me, it’s going to get worse (for a taste please see what we called you in the paragraph above). And when someone calls you out you can’t lose your shit on social media. We know that’s what Donald Trump does but his posts are at least entertaining, not smug and boring like yours.

So again, on behalf of everyone in Canada with a facebook account we here at the Beaverton humbly ask you both to shut up.

Yours truly,

The Editors.