Did you know that moose are the only member of the deer family that can eat while underwater? Take note: from now on, so do you.

I know what you're thinking: "I could never do that! How would I breathe?" Look, I get that right now, at the stage you're at, it seems impossible. You're used to sitting down and consuming every meal at the table or over the sink or in your car while breathing oxygenated air -- typical modern American diet. But I promise you, if you truly commit to the moose cleanse and listen to what your body is telling you, your system will find a way to get the air it needs. Trust is a huge component of the moose cleanse. It's not just physical. It's going to transform every aspect of your life, even the way your heart and lungs metabolize diffused gases.

Now the part everyone seems to want to talk about. Black flies. I won't lie and say they're not a problem. They love moose ... and they bite. A lot. But honestly, that's a big part of what eating underwater is for. It's a natural protection that moose have evolved over countless millennia. I promise you, if you just get yourself and your birch supply underneath the surface of a pond, you'll find the black flies much easier to avoid.

Now, you can of course build your own moose cleanse at home with nothing more than a few solid trees and a pond big enough for submerging; however, I also recommend considering a moose cleanse home delivery system. Not all of us have the time to forage for bark in the woods behind our backyard, I realize. You can sign up for a moose cleansing service and have the necessary materials brought to you every day: seasonal moose cleanse, nut moose cleanse, and active cultures moose cleanse are only a few of your delivery options.

Just like you would study before a test, you'll want to be sure to prepare yourself physically and mentally before you begin the moose cleanse. Whatever your goal is - quitting smoking, getting in touch with your body, boosting energy, glossier antlers - this will help you stay motivated while you moose. Some experts recommend keeping a journal during your cleanse as a way to keep track of how you feel after each meal, but as far as I'm concerned, when you're on a moose cleanse, if a moose wouldn't do it, neither should you. Moose rarely journal. That said, you should take note of any changes in your energy levels in order to anticipate cravings.

Are you excited? Are you ready to make a commitment to stay focused throughout your moose cleanse? Know that this is something you're capable of. Get excited about your moose cleanse. Remember, it's not about "not eating" human food. It's about eating more pondweed. Moose with a partner, and create a moosing schedule so that you can structure your day around it. I recommend moosing every two hours.

For those of you who work in an office and can't very well drag a deciduous forest into the break room with you, I recommend moosing at home whenever possible and bringing the strippings you've managed to accumulate overnight in a Thermos. You won't feel tempted to join the rest of the employees for cake or candy from the vending machines if you've got plenty of moose supplies on hand. And of course, don't forget to hydrate. Sometimes people do forget, and then they die of dehydration. It's very sad and entirely avoidable. Write it down if you have to, but drink water every day. No exceptions, no excuses.

Remember: you're doing this moose cleanse for you. This is your body and you're going to have to live in it for the rest of your life. A body that's full of pondweed and birchbark, covered in dendritic antlers, and used to harsh conditions in both temperate and subarctic climates is a body that's going to move surprisingly quickly when startled or frightened. And it's a body you're going to love.