SEX!!!!!!!!! Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac is upon us, and it’s warming the cockles of the hearts of sex fiends across the land. Inspired by von Trier’s frankly sexual (and very funny) movie, we’re listing our Top 10 Most Sexually Provocative Films.

Editor’s Note: In an effort to keep the list SFW–because let’s face it, we all read these at work–rather than insert clips or images from these films, I will be including images of cute pets. DO NOT CLICK the cute images unless you want to lose your job!

1. Nymphomaniac

The film that inspired the list, Lars von Trier’s sprawling epic tells the story of Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg), a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac, as she recounts her many, many, many sexual encounters to a man (Stellan Skarsgard) who finds her bloody and beaten in an alley. von Trier jumps from one sexual segment to the next with a perverse glee, and for all it’s weighty subject matter, this is actually the funniest film he’s made in years (or maybe ever).

2. Don’t Look Now

Please understand that I’m not accusing 1973’s Don’t Look Now of being a good movie. I personally think it’s a terrible, meandering film, but there is one silver lining (and it’s not the midget in a red slicker). The one redeeming quality of this film is the very real sex scene between co-stars Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie. I always thought of the scene as a very realistic depiction of sex and it wasn’t until I was compiling my picks for this very list that I found out why: THEY WERE ACTUALLY HAVING INTERCOURSE ON CAMERA. That may seem like a tame idea in the 21st century but back in 1973 pornography was just becoming part of the national conversation. The massively popular XXX film Deep Throat had just been released the year before and, in my opinion, this was director Nicolas Roeg’s way of dipping his toe in the water to see if Hollywood was ready for some big screen penetration as well. Without this scene we wouldn’t have Nymphomaniac. Or Showgirls.

3. Crash

No, not the racism one. David Cronenberg’s nihilistic adaptation of J.G. Ballard’s novel tells the twisted story of a group of people who find sexual arousal from car crashes. If you ever wanted to see Holly Hunter bare her breasts after her husband flies through a car windshield, or hear James Spader and Deborah Unger talk about every single detail of Elias Koteas’ dick—all while you get simultaneously turned on and creeped out, Crash is the film for you!

4. Blue is the Warmest Color (La Vie d’Adèle – Chapitres 1 & 2)

This film is a bit of a wild ride on more than one level. First, take director Abdellatif Kechiche, who is a bit of a psychopath. The film was supposed to be shot in 2 months but ended up taking 5 months with a total of 750 hours of footage! That is about 400 full length feature movies’ worth of film.The movie is also the most straight up pornographic “film” I’ve ever see. The plot revolves around a french teenager named Adele, who is discovering that she is a lesbian. As you can imagine this supplies ample opportunity for graphic sex scenes. The strange thing about Blue is the Warmest Color is that the sex scenes are the most distracting part of the film. They end up feeling jarring and go on for way too long in an attempt to be provocative. The issue here is that actor Adèle Exarchopoulos is so amazing that I just want her to get that titty out of her mouth so I can see her act some more.The movie ended up winning the coveted Palme d’Or because judge Steven Spielberg had a massive hard on for it. See what I did there? 5. American Psycho

“Don’t just stare at it, eat it.” Oh this scene. If we’re being honest, this is really a masturbation scene in the guise of a sex scene. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) brings two prostitutes up to his very expensive apartment and proceeds to videotape them have a three-way. Whether the two women are ever really present is debatable (come on, they’re not there) but what is crystal clear is that Bateman is only interested in making love to himself. He’s pointing at himself in the mirror, flexing, winking, running his fingers through his own hair. The cherry on top? All the action is scored by the soulless pop of Phil Collins. If you listen to “Sussudio” you can’t help but think of Patrick Bateman.

6. Secretary

James Spader strikes again. If he’s not getting turned on by car crashes, he’s spanking his secretary. Based very, very loosely on Mary Gaitskill’s short story, Secretary is the story of a woman (Maggie Gyllenhaal, in a career-making performance) who gets released from a mental hospital and goes to work for a rather strange man (Spader). Soon, she’s making errors on purpose, all so she can get aroused from the hard slap of some Spader-hand. When all is said and done, the film turns out to be a rather sweet love story about two very unconventional people.

7. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (American)

Almost everything about this film revolves around sexuality. Journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is in some kind of weird open relationship with a married woman (Robin Wright). The missing girl at the center of the case is thought to have been sexually assaulted and murdered. The film’s titular Girl exudes sexuality in a way that would make most people from any red state uncomfortable. Oh, and also there is a brutal rape scene that results in an equally brutal but ultimately satisfying revenge rape scene.Did I forget to mention that the creepiest man alive, Stellan Skarsgård, has an insane sex dungeon with a built in sound system blasting Enya?The rape scene tends to define the movie’s harsh sexual tone; however, the movie is also full of normal sex stuff, Like Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig banging it out. Let’s just hope Craig doesn’t have Sail Away on his sexy time playlist.

8. Eyes Wide Shut

Stanley Kubrick’s final film (he died a mere four days before delivering the final cut to Warner Bros.) was also one of his most controversial. Starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman back when they were married, the film is the story of a wealthy married couple: he’s a doctor, who runs around flashing his doctor’s license like a police badge, and she’s an art curator, who smokes pot and talks….very…slowly. After attending the most Kubrickian of Christmas parties, Kidman’s character confesses to Cruise that she almost had an affair with a naval officer. This sends Cruise out into the streets of New York (which are so clearly a backlot that it seems intentional), as he embarks on a sexual odyssey. Eventually he ends up at the coolest/creepiest masquerade party in history, where gang-bangs are aplenty, and Satanic undertones abound. In the light of the next day, it all seems like a strange sex-nightmare to Cruise, but it all really happened. And fittingly enough, the last words of the film are “Fuck.”

9. A History of Violence

I’m not talking about the weird cheerleader outfit scene that just screams “CRONENBERG!!!!” from atop the highest cliff top. No, I’m talking about the scene where Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello are coming face to face with whatever is left of their marriage after it’s revealed that all is not as it seems and that white picket fences can only keep the past out for so long. This scene is stripped down pure, desperate emotion. It’s 100% raw, which is how I like my sex.

10. Shame

Shame: The feeling we feel for almost leaving this movie off the list. Shame has the honor of being the most appropriately named movie ever because it exudes shamefulness, and will leave you feeling utterly distressed. Steve McQueen’s other Michael Fassbender movie that didn’t win an Oscar, is probably the best work the duo have done together. The movie is a beautiful portrait of a New York City dwellers struggle with sexual addiction. If you are looking to have a good time and see some boobies, go elsewhere – Shame manages to take all of the fun out of pornography and sex. In one amazing scene Michael Fassbender cleans his apartment of everything that can lead him to sex, including throwing his laptop straight into the garbage. Unfortunately, he is still left crying in the rain at the end of the film.

This list was compiled by the CutPrintFilm staff.