5. That there are whole categories of clothing you can just never wear.

6. Like wrap dresses.

7. And backless shirts.

8. And empire waists.

9. And anything with “side boob” (which for you, would look like “side ham”).

10. Related: the dreaded button gap.

11. That people will accuse you of being intentionally sexy when you’re just trying to get your lifeguard certification, dammit.