I see the latest issue of Highlights For Morons is out from the White House press office. The main feature in this issue concerns the murder and butchering of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. This is the official statement from the Office of the President* of the United States. It says so right at the top, so you won't confuse it with your fourth grader's history homework. We quote it in full.

America First!

The world is a very dangerous place!

The country of Iran, as an example, is responsible for a bloody proxy war against Saudi Arabia in Yemen, trying to destabilize Iraq's fragile attempt at democracy, supporting the terror group Hezbollah in Lebanon, propping up dictator Bashar Assad in Syria (who has killed millions of his own citizens), and much more. Likewise, the Iranians have killed many Americans and other innocent people throughout the Middle East. Iran states openly, and with great force, "Death to America!" and "Death to Israel!" Iran is considered "the world's leading sponsor of terror."

On the other hand, Saudi Arabia would gladly withdraw from Yemen if the Iranians would agree to leave. They would immediately provide desperately needed humanitarian assistance. Additionally, Saudi Arabia has agreed to spend billions of dollars in leading the fight against Radical Islamic Terrorism.

Anadolu Agency Getty Images

After my heavily negotiated trip to Saudi Arabia last year, the Kingdom agreed to spend and invest $450 billion in the United States. This is a record amount of money. It will create hundreds of thousands of jobs, tremendous economic development, and much additional wealth for the United States. Of the $450 billion, $110 billion will be spent on the purchase of military equipment from Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and many other great U.S. defense contractors. If we foolishly cancel these contracts, Russia and China would be the enormous beneficiaries - and very happy to acquire all of this newfound business. It would be a wonderful gift to them directly from the United States!

The crime against Jamal Khashoggi was a terrible one, and one that our country does not condone. Indeed, we have taken strong action against those already known to have participated in the murder. After great independent research, we now know many details of this horrible crime. We have already sanctioned 17 Saudis known to have been involved in the murder of Mr. Khashoggi, and the disposal of his body.

Representatives of Saudi Arabia say that Jamal Khashoggi was an "enemy of the state" and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, but my decision is in no way based on that -- this is an unacceptable and horrible crime. King Salman and Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman vigorously deny any knowledge of the planning or execution of the murder of Mr. Khashoggi. Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event -- maybe he did and maybe he didn't!

MOHAMMED AL-SHAIKH Getty Images

That being said, we may never know all of the facts surrounding the murder of Mr. Jamal Khashoggi. In any case, our relationship is with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. They have been a great ally in our very important fight against Iran. The United States intends to remain a steadfast partner of Saudi Arabia to ensure the interests of our country, Israel and all other partners in the region. It is our paramount goal to fully eliminate the threat of terrorism throughout the world!

I understand there are members of Congress who, for political or other reasons, would like to go in a different direction - and they are free to do so. I will consider whatever ideas are presented to me, but only if they are consistent with the absolute security and safety of America. After the United States, Saudi Arabia is the largest oil producing nation in the world. They have worked closely with us and have been very responsive to my requests to keeping oil prices at reasonable levels -- so important for the world. As President of the United States I intend to ensure that, in a very dangerous world, America is pursuing its national interests and vigorously contesting countries that wish to do us harm. Very simply it is called America First!

What's your favorite sub-primate grunt that ends in an exclamation point? I'll go with, "Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event—maybe he did and maybe he didn't!" This man belongs in a home.

This is positively a Bat Signal to repressive regimes all over the world that it's open season on Americans, or on American residents, whom those regimes find troublesome. This especially includes journalists, which hits it a little close to home.

The Washington Post Getty Images

The CIA came as close as the CIA ever comes to anything to pinning this atrocity on Mohammad bin Salman and yet, because the CIA couldn't find that worthy's fingerprints on the bone saw, El Caudillo del Mar-A-Lago decided that the case against the Saudi crown prince was still as amorphous as ever. (For me, until MBS is hauled into a federal court in this country to reckon with his alleged butchery, Saudi Arabia doesn't get another dime of American money, and we're freezing every dime of their assets in this country. This is why I do not work for the State Department.) That's not even to mention that the president* very likely is in violation of his oath of office (again) by doing private business with these oligarchical hyenas while still living in government housing.

In the last week, he has attacked a heroic U.S. admiral who commanded the raid that rid the world of Osama bin Laden, and he did so while William McRaven is fighting leukemia. He did so because McRaven was mean to him. Now, he's letting MBS off the hook, and putting American lives at risk all over the globe, because the Saudis kiss his ass and throw some business his way. And 30 percent of our fellow citizens are fine with this. Elijah Cummings can't get that subpoena power soon enough.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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