reason 572934 why I don’t talk much

I generally don’t engage in substantial conversations with people who do not recognize the validity and relevance of agender and nonbinary gender identities. I mean, honestly, how could I?

When someone tells me that they don’t think being agender is a real thing, what they are saying is:

“Well, Char, you certainly think you’re pretty fucking special. You just gotta be you, hm? Too damn good to just choose between female and male like the rest of us. No, you clearly need to stand out, grab some more attention, rebel from basic foundational facts of life. How sophomoric. How inane. Look, Char: I know you better than you know yourself. I know this shit you say you take so seriously is all an act. It’s a ploy to win some oppression popularity contest. The truth is, you’re just fucking delusional, and you should probably lay off that fake estrogen and get some serious counseling.”

The best, most concise reply I can think of to all that is “Fuck you,” but that would of course only be seen as immature.

For me, an agender identity is vital. As a child, I never felt any connection with the gender that I was assigned. While I experienced crushing body and gender dysphoria and began to experiment with different presentations and affectations, I never identified with either my assigned gender or the other commonly recognized gender. This lack of gender identity led me to believe that I wasn’t actually trans*- after all, I was taught by the internet in the ‘90s that trans people are defined primarily by their gender identity. So it wasn’t until I realized that I fit comfortably into the trans identity of agender that I was able to take substantial steps in my transition, such as hormone replacement therapy and genital reconfiguration surgery.

Gender is terribly important. It influences how one perceives the world, and it greatly influences how others perceive and interact with you. The fact that I am agender plays out constantly in each of my encounters with others. Being agender is a core, foundational aspect of my identity and my experience.

So when someone takes that fact and tells me to my face, “You’re delusional and making up bullshit,” I find myself disinclined to continue discussion. I just am not confident in the quality of communication that might possibly occur when the conversation opens with “I think your lived experience and your hard-won lessons are entirely void and meaningless.”