Saturday, September 22, 2012 at 11:16PM

Funemployment





Ratings were being made and the ad sales boys were on the phone furiously selling time as the news anchor earnestly informed the city of the events unfolding before the viewing audience. It was an aerial view with a tiny scooter ridden by a big man seemingly dragging a line of police cars slowly behind him.

"A naked man on a scooter has been leading police on a wild chase since three o'clock this afternoon. The chase started in Burbank and has already wound through Pasadena, Highland Park, Downtown, Hollywood and is now entering the beach city of Santa Monica. Multiple agencies have joined the pursuit including Burbank PD, LAPD, Sheriff's, CHP and even the LA airport Police.

"Now I've seen everything."

George was sitting in his recliner in the comfortable den of his retirement village condo. He pointed to the TV as if his mid-thirties son sitting next to him had missed it.

"Wonder what his story is?" Rory said to no one in particular.

"He's a loser, who cares? And speaking of losers."

"I'm not a loser."

"You lost your job."

"I got laid off."

"What the hell'd you do?"

Rory scooted to the other side of the couch. "The whole company got outsourced. I didn't do a damn thing."

Lee walked in, early twenties, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Keep it down, sheesh."

The old man zoomed in on his new target. "Speaking of not doing a damn thing."

"He bro," Rory waved.

"What are you doing here?"

"He got canned."

"Laid off."

"That sucks."

"How's the job search going?"

"Job search? Moron's been out of college a year and still doesn't have a job. Too busy with the damn computer games."

Lee slumped into the couch next to Rory, unfortunately right next to his Dad also. "I'm emailing resumes, looking at job sites, social networking."

"Social networking? When's the last time you left the house. Why not try pounding some pavement?"

"I am, but the pavement's virtual now."

"Bum."

"Luddite."

"Get a job."

"Get modern old man."

Rory looked at the two bickering and wondered if maybe he should have just called. "Damn."

Liz, the mom, poked her head out of the kitchen and chirped, "Din din!"

Everyone watched in disbelief as Rory wolfed his dinner down.

"Honey," Liz cautioned. "You're gonna choke."

"Seriously," Lee added.

The old man shook his head at the spectacle, "Damn son, it isn't a contest."

"Sorry but, I haven't eaten all day."

Rory reached to spoon another load of food on his plate, but George rapped his knuckles with his spoon.

"You're not expecting us to feed you every day are you?"

"George!" Liz admonished.

"We're on a fixed income Liz."

"And now, so is our little boy."

"Yeah well, I earned my retirement and I sure as shit am not gonna blow it on these two ingrates."

Lee grinned sheepishly, "Thanks for having me?"

"Got room for one more?" A tall woman entered wearing tight pants, high heels and a low cut tee like she just stepped out of a plastic surgeon's website.

Liz jumped up happily. "Cathy!"

George threw his hands up in surrender, "Aw hell!"

"Aren't you happy to see me Daddy?"

"Hey sis," Rory smiled, happy for the distraction which he took advantage of by shoveling more food on his plate.

"You only say Daddy when you want something."

"What brings you here honey?" Liz was already setting another plate as Rory shifted a bit to create more room and Lee grabbed another chair.

"I'm guessing a free meal," George pouted.

"Behave George," Liz admonished.

"Am I right?"

"Damn Daddy, I've had a rough enough week."

"Yeah well, any idiot knows anal sex with foot long cocks ain't exactly comfortable."

"George!"

"Seriously Dad, I'm eating," Rory managed between bites.

"Don't George me Liz. She's the Anal Queen of Easy Street, Part one, two, three and four."

Cathy spooned a bit on her plate. "I wasn't in three. You been watching my movies Daddy?"

"No, no, no I haven't," George stuttered.

Lee smiled, "Sounds like you're pretty knowledgeable."

George pointed at his grinning progeny. "You're the one locked in your bedroom making monkey noises and slowing down my damn internet connection."

Liz ran her hand over Cathy's hair. "You OK sweetie?"

"Work's been real slow the last year or two."

"Thought you said sex was recession proof," George crowed snidely.

"We all did, but there's all these idiots giving it away for free on the internet."

Lee pumped his hand triumphantly and cheered, "Yeah, yeah!"

"Oh grow up Lee. People don't want to pay for it anymore. I may have to sell some stuff."

Rory was curious. "What kind of stuff?"

"Mercedes, condo..."

"You're pretty upside down on the condo," Rory pointed out. "You paid what $900,000?"

"Worth three fifty now."

"I know, maybe I can rent it."

George dug in. "I told you to save some of those mega porn bucks you bragged about, but no, you had to inflate your tits, plump your lips, lipo your hips."

"George, she's your daughter!"

"They were tax write-offs Daddy!"

Another head popped in.

"Knock, knock."

Liz again was pleasantly surprised. "Vince!"

A well dressed executive entered the house and gave her a big hug. "Hi momma."

George beamed proudly. "Now here's someone who knows hot to make his daddy proud. How you doing my boy?"

"Well, today I was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury."

Liz's hand found her mouth. "Oh no."

Lee looked at his brother. "Dude, that was you?"

"Don't you read the news?"

"Shithead ain't got time to watch the news. He's too busy."

"What happened dear?" Liz was already scurrying for another plate.

"Just a little misunderstanding."

"A three and a half billion dollar little misunderstanding," Rory cracked.

George turned to Liz. "You sure these kids are mine?"

Liz stretched across the table and set another plate down for Vince. "You sure you want the truth?"

Something hit the wall outside the kitchen sink and Rory looked to see what was happening.

"What's going on out there."

Lee was non-plussed. "Trash day tomorrow. Homeless guy's getting an early start on the bottles and cans."

George slapped the table. "Least he's working!"









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