St. Paul, MN—

Given Senator Al Franken’s retirement from the Senate, there will be a new election to either replace or reelect his temporary replacement, Tina Smith, and former Minnesota representative Michele Bachman earlier this week suggested that she might run for the Senate seat.

When she announced her potential interest, though, she explained that she would first need to pray to God to learn if God supported her decision to run for the Senate. However, it does not appear that God supports the idea of Michele Bachmann returning to Congress, this time in the upper legislative body.

“I did a lot of soul searching when I heard Al Franken was stepping down, and I spent many hours praying,” explained Bachmann. “I don’t do anything—not even tie my own shoes—without asking for God’s guidance and approval, and I believe that after several days’ worth of prayer, God has made His opinion very clear.”

Bachmann was reluctant to explain God’s answer to her prayers in a phone conversation with The Halfway Post, but after our reporter pressed her for more information, she finally gave in.

“Well, actually, I was getting pretty clear signs from the very beginning of my prayer session, though I didn’t want to believe that God disapproved of me running. When I first asked the Lord if I should run for that Senate, all the lights in my house started flickering and then the light bulbs in my kitchen chandelier shattered. After cleaning up that mess, I went back to praying and then my cat Mr. Snuggles came into the room and had the most explosive diarrhea I’ve ever seen in a human, let alone a tiny cat. Then Mr. Snuggles vomited everywhere, and my little cat didn’t even eat the throw up and clean up his own mess like he usually does. It was everywhere, but Mr. Snuggles went right back to normal after he threw up all over my living room rug, so thank the Lord for his infinite mercy that he did not make my kitty suffer. So that vomity, poopy mess took a little bit to clean up, and then I went back to praying, and right after I thought I was finally starting to get a positive message from my Heavenly Father, I witnessed a black man walk up to my front door. I was about to call the cops, but I noticed he was wearing a nice sweater vest so I figured maybe he was one of the good ones, and I opened the door and he introduced himself to me as my new neighbor. A black neighbor! It was literally a nightmare come to life! Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, his husband came over too to meet me, too. Gay, interracial neighbors! I nearly had a heart attack. I thought my subdivision explicitly banned this kind of stuff. I immediately knew the Lord was making it painfully, abundantly clear I should go nowhere near Congress. Luckily my husband came home and he made a diversion for me by going over to their house for a few hours so I that was able to escape upstairs and give myself two consecutive baths to keep the gay germs from spreading on my Godly skin and possibly giving me adverse side effects. My husband, bless his heart came back two hours later walking with a spring in his step and humming the theme song to “Let It Go,” his favorite movie. Maybe he converted them back to being straight. So I’ve decided I’m not going to be running for that Senate seat. I just wish God would hurry up and make those neighbors move away, I mean I’m following God’s will and not running for the Senate. I don’t understand why the Lord is still punishing me.”

Thanks for the phone call, Mrs. Bachmann.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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