Children

Children pretty much have it made. They don’t give a fuck because they don’t have to. Generally, their basic needs are being met by the adults in their lives, and even if they’re not, children can barely tell the difference. Think about it: If someone else was doing your laundry all day, every day, would you give a fuck about spilling sweet potatoes in your lap or upending a yogurt cup on your head? No, you would not. If all you had to do was scream your face off to get a glass of water or a new toy, would you give a fuck about having forgotten where you put your previous glass of water or having drowned your Tickle Me Elmo in the tickle-me-toilet? Nope! And if you didn’t have fully developed fine-motor skills, would you give a fuck about tying your shoes? Not in a million years.

Crying baby cries, gives no fucks.

Part of the reason children don’t give a fuck is that they have no life experience. Their minds are tidy because the world’s bullshit has yet to be heaped upon them. They don’t have anything to declutter, mentally speaking.

Lucky little bastards.

But life is not fair, and they, and you, cannot remain children forever. At a certain point, we all have to suck it up and stop wearing Velcro sneakers. What you can do is find your way back to that magical equilibrium where the burden of adulthood is lifted by embracing the childlike zest of not giving a fuck.

Assholes

Next up, we have assholes. Assholes don’t give a fuck because they are genetically predisposed to getting what they want, no matter who they have to offend, step on, or — yes — fuck over along the way. (Note: some children are also assholes, but for our purposes that does not matter.) These people are not generally well-respected or liked. Feared, maybe, but not liked.

Donald Trump: Asshole

If being liked is important to you, then you don’t want to turn into an asshole. Sure, you might free up a few nights on your calendar every week, but it won’t be because you took charge of your fucks and doled them out to events you really wanted to attend and people you really wanted to see. It will be because the invitations stop coming altogether.

10 Things Assholes Don’t Give a Fuck About 1. Other people’s personal space 2. Making you wait 3. Talking in the train’s quiet car 4. Littering 5. Tipping appropriately 6. Causing gross smells in confined areas 7. Using turn signals properly 8. Blocking the escalator 9. Cleaning up after their pets 10. Being perceived as assholes

Fortunately, my NotSorry Method is about showing you how to have everything you want — and nothing that you don’t want — while also being thought of as a stand-up guy or gal. Which brings me to…

The Enlightened

That’s right. You can attain enlightenment without turning into an asshole. It’s possible to revert to that childlike state of not giving a fuck, but with a self-awareness that kids just can’t claim. Look, there’s a long list of things I still give a fuck about (being on time, getting eight hours of sleep, artisanal pizza), and near the top of that list is being polite. Honest, but polite.

For example, if you’re the kind of person who sends a handwritten thank-you note to your friends after you spend the weekend at their lake house, those same friends are unlikely to be offended when you decline their next invitation . . . to join them at their favorite Renaissance Faire.

It’s just common sense. You like lake houses and hate Renaissance Faires? Send a thank-you note; don’t be an asshole. It’s a win-win!

HOW CAN I BECOME ONE OF THESE PEOPLE?

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck is designed to help you achieve an enlightened state of essential fuck-giving without making all the same mistakes I did.

In the book, I walk you through each step of the NotSorry Method, helping you inventory your fucks and teaching you to identify whether a fuck needs giving and, if it does not, how to take action without turning into an asshole.

**BONUS SHORTCUT: I did a TEDx talk called “The Magic of Not Giving a Fuck.” These 12 minutes could change your life…**

So, are you ready to stop giving fuck and start living your best life? Huzzah! I knew you had it in you.