Rocking an Instagram handle that’s just some permutation of your real name is like naming a movie after a fictional character that no one’s ever heard of. Who tf is Larry Crowne? Nobody knows and nobody cares.

Your Instagram user name establishes your brand. It needs to show the world that you love your kids more than any human ever has, and also that you are open to your child being featured in a major motion picture, Disney Channel TV series, or national advertising campaign.

Here are 55 unique Instagram handles to help you show the world what a good parent you are. Because the family that Instas together In-Stays together.

A Quick Note Before We Begin

For the purposes of this article, we’ll occasionally need to use placeholder names where you would be inserting the name of you or your child. When we need to refer to the Mommy name, we’ll use Calibri and her darling child will be Fig. Last name: Tamarack, and they live in, let’s say…Boise. Why not? I hear it’s up and coming.

Adventuresome Instagram Handles

Because parenting is the real adventure.

AdventuresWithCalAndFig

CalAndFigWanderTheWorld

TheContinuingEscapadesOfFig

MotherSonOutdoorFun

MotherDaughterWhiteWater

No you haven’t been white water rafting, but the handle says that you might.

TheFamilyThatDaresTogether

Family Instagram User Names

Because the biggest rule in the momstagram game is do not show your husband. If you really have to, you can use these family-based names – but no one wants to see your fugly ass man.

ItsTheTamarackClan

AppleTamarackGang

TheTamarackPosseRidesAgain

TamarackStrong

This implies that you’ve been through some real shit together. You probably haven’t, but now everyone will read your posts through the Battered Nobility filter.

TheFamilyThatStandsTogether

Playfully Alcoholic Instagram Handle Ideas

Because if you really had a problem, you wouldn’t be making jokes about it, right? Right? RIGHT?

MomtiniTime

ProseccoPlayDate

Motherhood_Neat

MommerHighLife

HappyHourEveryHour

PumpAndDumpForFig

TheFamlyThtDrnkstgthr

Maybe you’re the one with the problem. Ever think of that, Jack?

Fictional Place Instagram Handle Suggestions

Because you could technically use the place you actually live, but that implies you live in an actually cool place. CalAndFigInBoise? Not gonna cut it.

CalAndFigInOz

CalAndFigInNarnia

CalAndFigInTerabithia

CalAndFigInGotham

Or you can go with CalAndFigInMetropolis, but Gotham makes it seem like you’re up against tougher odds.

CalAndFigInNeverland

The good Neverland, not the creepy one… On second thought, maybe skip this one.

TheFamilyThatWandersTogether

Allergy Instagram User Name Ideas

Because anyone that doesn’t know your child’s weakness is a threat.

CalAndFigsCeliacStory

GoNutsForNoNuts

At the beginning of every flight, make an announcement about your child’s nut allergy. It’s best to just do it while the flight attendants are giving their spiel – they love that.

NonDairyTeamers

EpiPenAdventures

UnshellfishParenting

FromTheHistamineStreets

SoldiersInTheWarAgainstSoy

TheFamilyThatSneezesTogether

Virtue Signaling Instagram Handles

Because if you don’t tell the world that you’re virtuous, who will?

MeatlessMotherhood

ThePatrioticParent

SugarFreeFam

SustainableLove

When what you really want is a handle that says good for me.

FigTheFeminist

WeAreAllRefugees

AnointedAsMother

MotherMartyr

TheFamilyThatReadsTogether

Purely for SEO Purposes Instagram Handles

Because we all bow the almighty power of the algorithm. Find us, oh algorithm, with your fair and objective hand, so that we may spread the word of your beneficence.

GoogleLovingMommy

AppleAddictMommy

TigerKingMommy

IntermittentFastingWorkedForMommy

SonicTheHedgehogsTeethMommy

TheFamilyThatBillieEilishTogether

Emotionally Unstable Instagram Handles

Because you just feel being a parent a little more deeply than the other mothers out there.

HuggingFigForever

TheMotherThatCaresTooMuch

HugYourMother

RabidMommaBear

ISaidHugYourMotherYouLittle

ImNotRaisingMyVoiceYoureRaisingYourVoice

MinivanMeltdown

TheFamilyThatCriesTogether