The Diamondbacks can’t win. The Brewers can’t lose. The Mariners, the official interrobang of Major League Baseball, are somehow within spitting distance of the Astros at the top of the American League West. And with all of this, you’re about 0.001-percent caught up with what’s happening in baseball.

Did you know that Didi Gregorious is bad now? That Scooter Gennett is Jeff Kent, but better? There are teens in the major leagues, do you hear me, teens! Everything is happening much too quickly, and I’m only finding out now that Jorge Soler’s dog is Lockjaw from Inhumans. That was revealed in December!

Deep breaths.

Well, at least we can agree on one thing. And that thing is this:

Baseball is good, actually

Pablo Sandoval started a game at second base. On purpose. In a Major League Baseball game played in front of tens of thousands of paying customers. In front of hundreds of thousands of people deciding to spend their Sunday watching baseball on the TV.

In the first inning, this happened:

Talk about “utility player” #SFGiants A post shared by sfgiants (@sfgiants) on May 27, 2018 at 5:57pm PDT

It ... wasn’t a great play. It looked like a great play because all plays look great when they feature a diving fielder who gets an out from his knees. But if I can use my creative license to describe that first step, it looked like Pablo Sandoval chasing after a ground ball at second base. Slightly lumbering, incredibly eager, surprisingly agile, but not exactly the fluffy Roberto Alomar that Alex Rodriguez uses as a comparison.

At the same time, it was a supremely confident play, complete with a Dikembian finger wag. It’s only May, and so far we’ve seen Sandoval pitch and dive for a ball at second base. The 2018 season has already paid off.

If you’re not sold on the idea of Pablo Sandoval, utility hero, here are some points in favor:

His existence bugs Red Sox fans He’s having fun as a utility player, while taking $18 million from the Red Sox No, he really bugs Red Sox fans

But, mostly, it’s that he’s a Bartolo-shaped player navigating his way through a David Eckstein world. Technically, Matt Stairs was a pioneer in fluffy utility infielderdom, but he played just an inning at second base in 2001, and he didn’t even get a single chance. This is something different.

And the Giants are all in.

Giants optioned 2B Miguel Gomez (making Pablo the backup) and DFAd LHP DJ Snelten to create 25- and 40-man roster vacancies for Dereck Rodriguez, whose contract was purchased. — Andrew Baggarly (@extrabaggs) May 28, 2018

To call up Pudge Rodriguez’s son, the Giants optioned their backup second baseman. Which means Sandoval is the new backup second baseman. Which means there will be more chances to see this sort of majesty.

Or, in meme terms:

Baseball is good because it’s possible to hide a player who doesn’t belong where the manager tells him to go, and it’s also possible for him to make a play that looks absolutely gorgeous when the ball finds him.

Putting a defensive lineman at cornerback? That’s the target for the quarterback on the very next snap. Putting a 6’8” absolute unit at point guard? If he’s not turning the ball over, he’s watching his opposing number zip around him at will. But a rotund third baseman at second? Maybe it’ll work just long enough to seem like a good idea.

The prevailing wisdom was that Sandoval signed with an AL team because it would allow him to transition into a DH role. This is like that, except it’s the exact opposite.

We’re at least a little closer to Pablo filling in for an inning at shortstop, you know.

Let us study this baseball thing

There’s at least a fair chance that in five months, the entire attention of the baseball-loving world will be focused on the Indians and Astros.

In May, though, it’s hard to get anyone to care. There are millions of people who will ditch their families to watch the Cleveland Cavaliers play the Washington Generals on Christmas, but just try to get them to watch a single inning of Indians and Astros in May. It’s not going to happen.

It should happen, and here’s proof. It’s a weird marketing strategy to hype the idea of, “No, seriously, one time out of every 10,000, this thing happens, and it’s totally worth it,” but baseball somehow makes it work. The Indians went into the ninth inning trailing 8-3. They won the game in the 14th, 9-8. The Astros were 99.9-percent favorites to win the game.

Then Jose Ramirez came up:

That was the leadoff batter in the ninth inning where the home team was down by five runs. We’ve covered the spectacle of an overdrawn at-bat before, and it was just last week that we covered an unexpected ninth-inning comeback, but this is the first time we get to bring these two beautiful, special topics together, like baseball butter and baseball jelly.

In order for the Indians to make a once-in-a-decade comeback, Jose Ramirez had to care.

All baseball players care, of course, and it’s not like any of them go up in the ninth inning with a five-run deficit and think, “OK, let’s get this over with.” There are individual stats to worry about, after all. There are arbitration awards and the backs of baseball cards to consider, after all.

Still, you have to think that after about the 10th pitch of an at-bat like this, Ramirez thought about swinging out of his shoes to hit a baseball as far as he possibly can. Just guess and swing, and if you’re right, it’s an incredibly satisfying feeling as you watch the ball sail into the upper deck. If you’re wrong, you shower, go home, and try again tomorrow, like you probably were anyway.

Jose Ramirez took the at-bat as a personal affront, though. This week’s episode of So, You Want To Be A Baseball Player? comes in the form of two screenshots:

In the 13th pitch of the at-bat, Jose Ramirez fouled a 100-mph fastball away, even though it was six inches off the plate. This is the kind of thing you need to do if you’re trying to hit a 17-pitch double. Except, who would want to hit a 17-pitch double, down by five?

This guy.

This double was followed by single, single, single, called strike three, single, single, fly ball, single, single, and it sounds so easy when you put it like that. Just hit a bunch of singles in a row. It’s what I always think when my team is down by a bunch in the ninth.

In the 13th inning, the Astros scored a run, and then the Indians immediately tied it when Yonder Alonso hit it over yonder. In the 14th inning, Greg Allen and his career OPS+ of 63 hit a home run to win it. Except none of this is possible without Jose Ramirez being a special, special, special player.

Every five-run comeback in the ninth is special. None of them are as special as the ones that come with a 17-pitch at-bat to lead off the inning, though. And don’t forget the truism that we’ve already established: Every pitch that Jose Ramirez fouled off was a swing where he didn’t execute exactly the way he wanted to. Which is another way of saying he screwed up just enough to stay alive, over and over again.

This is the sport we’ve chosen to follow, people.

What Shohei Did

This was supposed to be the week of Masahiro Tanaka vs. Shohei Ohtani. And it was! In a way.

But it wasn’t the pitching matchup of Ohtani vs. Tanaka that everyone wanted. There were shirts being sold, fer crying out loud. It was supposed to be a clash of the titans, something that would have been an international event. Instead it ended with an ominous decision to have Ohtani skip a start to rest his arm. What does that mean? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

It’s probably nothing.

But that doesn’t mean that any news about Ohtani skipping a start isn’t worth worrying about. This is such a unique situation that the ancient triggers for freakout situations don’t apply, but good luck telling our brains that. Why isn’t Ohtani starting? WHY ISN’T OHTANI STARTING?

It’s probably nothing?

Well, he’s starting as a DH, and the good news is that he’s still good at hitting baseballs. Although for the last week, he was 3-for-19 with eight walks, which means ...

Ohtani-o-meter: Half-Tim Lincecum and half-Chone Figgins

Wait.

Ohtani-o-meter, real: Fine, half-Tim Lincecum in his prime (but a version that’s not being run into the ground every fifth day) and half-Bryce Harper.

Better. I love covering the Ohtani story in bits and chunks because I have no idea what the ending is going to be. Hall of Fame? A few nice seasons? Is this as good as it gets? It’s probably the Hall of Fame, right? Dunno, and it’s going to take years to figure out.

As of right now, though, he’s still a combination of some of the most electric talents baseball has offered over the last decade, spliced together in the most interesting possible way, and I implore you not to take that for granted.

Also, here’s what it’s like when he visits places like Toronto:

If you’re into lip-reading, you might agree that the poor man in the middle first says, “AHHHH,” then “SHIT” before mustering the resolve to say “RUN.” While his lips are obscured by Ohtani’s body, he shrieks “RUN. BEFORE THEY GET YOU, TOO.”

Then he was swallowed by a sea of arms holding baseballs.

Rest in peace, Canadian autograph hound. Your body will be used for sustenance, as is the custom of your autograph-seeking people.

This Week in Written Rules

I was going to spend an hour taking screenshots of Anthony Rizzo’s slide and breaking down the rules to explain why it was illegal, but Jonathan Bernhardt did all that for me and gave it away for free, like an idiot.

So pretend this is a GIF of me raising a beer in Bernhardt’s direction while I played Celeste on my Switch with that extra hour.

But I was too lazy to make that GIF, too.

Let us not forget that Anthony Rizzo, as delightful and wide-eyed as he seems to be, has a penchant for running into catchers:

The letter of the law is that runners should stop running into catchers. The spirit of the law is that runners should stop running into catchers.

Maybe stop running into catchers?

That would seem to be an easy fix.

John Jaso is living his best life

John Jaso still has the dreadlocks, and he’s upgraded his uniform to tie-dyed tank tops. He is, most definitely, living his best John Jaso existence.

One of my bigger regrets as a baseball writer is that I didn’t realize that Jaso was from Humboldt County as I appreciated his dreadlocks throughout the years. It absolutely makes sense with that context. My dude has spent healthy portions of his life at Clam Beach. He might be there right now. Jaso going full dreads is as predictable as someone from Manhattan wearing a suit for his games.

UMPIRE: Please take the suit off. CHAZ CAMBERTON (2019 - 3rd round, Yale): This is discriminatory.

Jaso’s choices in music aren’t that unusual. A little Led Zeppelin, a little Rolling Stones. He likes his classic rock, but he’s not chasing Gov’t Mule around the country. He’s just extremely John Jaso. At one point, that definition was a little sketchy.

Post-concussion John became noticeably more cryptic. He grew increasingly obsessed with religious history, and asked me if I would be interested in being on his crew for a sailing voyage around the world after his playing career ended

The post-concussion part made it a little hard to buy into, as if the head injuries were what were making him want to sail around the world. With some time to heal, the desire was still there, and it was completely natural.

Jaso said he plans to travel, live on a sailboat and contribute to Puerto Rico’s hurricane relief efforts.

So what we’ve established is this:

I want to be John Jaso One day, I hope that I am John Jaso

Just docking the boat and thumbing my way to a Rays game, enjoying the baseball before me, getting hassled by ushers, and then going back to my boat.

With every click you give me, I get closer to this dream.

When you’re on you way to Christmas dinner, but you forgot a present

Uh, yeah, Mom, here’s something from CVS. It’s the Nordstrom of drug stores.

The best part is that Harrison Bader wasn’t exactly checking his phone while Kyle Crick was winding up.

Bader was looking right at him. “He’s not gonna throw. He’s just cocking his arm back to trick me. He’s just pretending to go into his motion, like I’m some damned fool. He’s not actually gonna ohhhhh jeez.”

This might be a new category for this dumb column: “This week in I’ve literally never seen this before.”

Because, I’ll be entirely honest, I’ve never seen this before.

This week in I’ve literally never seen this before

Oh! Here it is. Because I’ve never seen a player’s dad grimace after his son hit a home run. He grimaced because his son-in-law is also the pitcher?

The woman on the left is Brandon Crawford’s sister The man on the right is Brandon Crawford’s dad The woman on the left is also Gerrit Cole’s wife Gerrit Cole just gave up a home run to Brandon Crawford

It’s a twist worthy of an Encyclopedia Brown ending. And it’s super awkward!

Once I went to a 49ers-Broncos game with the world’s biggest Broncos fan. It was a big deal for us. We drove down from Oregon and talked nonsense the whole way. We split a $40 cigar for the winner to smoke in the other person’s face, even though neither of us liked cigars.

The 49ers won. This is the face I made during the fourth quarter:

I was happy the Niners won! I was also aware that my very good friend was unhappy. But my team won, and if I had to choose between my team and my buddy, I was going to choose my team. But he was kind of crushed, and I could see it. I also patted his displeasure about my face like a seaweed mask. It’s good for the pores.

Also, we’re all clear that you’re going to root for your spouse more than your dorky-ass brother, right? Just making sure.

Also also, let’s appreciate a dad filming his son rounding the bases after a home run on a device that can also show him HD highlights of that home run from three different angles.

I’d make more fun, but at least he’s using landscape. Can’t be maximum dad if you’re filming it landscape.

Baseball picture of the week (tie)

Look, it’s not all about dumb plays and silliness with the week’s best picture. Sometimes there are just great baseball pictures. Do you realize what this picture represents?

Hope.

This picture represents hope. For within Brandon Nimmo’s eyes, you can see the reflection of young, innocent kids thinking the world of him.

They’re in awe of the baseball player, who is just a kid from Wyoming himself. He’s just as surprised as anyone that he’s here, signing autographs, and these fans are just hoping he’ll put a pen to whatever they’re holding. It’s proof that he passed through their orbit for even one second. Just one second.

And he’s hoping he can take the Mets somewhere that will justify their sense of wonder. They’re looking at him like he’s special, and is he? Can he do what they’re expecting him to do?

This picture is a beautiful metaphor for the relationship between player and fan.

Bless you, Brandon Nimmo.

lol this picture is of michael conforto farting a HUGE fire ball after he fell down, and the ball is over there next to his stupid hat, and the words “POT HO” are mocking him, hahaha, more like michael potfartho

Which picture is likelier to be a metaphor for the Mets going forward?

It would appear as if only time ... will tell.

This week in McGwire/Sosa

McGwire

26 AB this week

174 AB for the season

3 HR this week

27 for the season

.316/.480/.842 this week

.322/.492/.839 for the season

The most remarkable part about this early stretch for Mark McGwire is how consistent he was. In last week’s update, he finished with an .839 slugging percentage. In this week’s update, he finished with an .839 slugging percentage. Can you imagine a player having 27 homers at this point in the season? We would all be freaking out. I’m freaking out right now about this dude having 27 homers two decades ago.

We’re still waiting for Sammy Sosa to freak out, though. Is this the week? Is this the week he shows up as a challenger to McGwire, who has 27 freaking home runs?

Sosa

12 AB this week

204 AB for the season

4 HR this week

13 HR for the season

.500/.500/1.583 this week

.343/.415/.583 for the season

Kind of! Sosa missed an entire series against the Braves because he injured his thumb rounding third base, but before that, he was absolutely dominant and ... wait, injured his thumb rounding third base?

Injured his thumb while rounding third base. My goodness, that’s how close baseball was to not being saved.

You almost weren’t born, you know.

Spoonerism of the week

EDITOR: Look, I don’t want to be an ogre, but we have to cut this feature from the weekly column.

Wait, but I was just

EDITOR: I don’t want to be all Standards and Practices here, but there’s no upside here. So you get the reader to think of a dirty word. What next? What’s the end game?

I don’t know, it was funny to me, because I’m a ch

EDITOR: I’m sorry, but this section has to be cut if you’re abusing it like this. I hope you’ll understand.

Totally. I’m sorry. All that I ask is for you to allow me to post one more screenshot from Baseball-Reference.com.

EDITOR: Just a screenshot from Baseball Reference? I mean, sure, why wouldn’t I?

EDITOR: Ah, right, Him Junter, anyway, I’ve scheduled a meeting with HR for the morning. See you then.

ME: