WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate. “This is a great day,” said Chicago resident David Snyder, one of millions of Americans who paused for a moment while trying to determine if their preferred doctor was in-network, checking on the status of an outstanding claim, or fighting a dubious charge that had appeared on their latest billing statement in order to revel in the court’s landmark ruling. “I can’t even say how big a relief it is that—hello? Hello? Dammit, they fucking hung up on me!” At press time, approximately 500,000 Americans were reportedly praising Chief Justice John Roberts for issuing the majority opinion while making a third attempt to navigate their health insurance company’s automated phone tree.

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