mia loves henry miller

Letter 28 – Mr. California Man, A Glance at the Past: Tainted Love

1/17/12- 9:15 a.m.

“In the end you have to come back to yourself. It has got to be you doing something whatever you decide upon. Do what you think you have to do and don’t try to follow somebody else’s pattern because he was successful. You can’t be that way. You are you. You’re absolutely unique and each one has his own destiny. We can learn as much as we wish, listen to the greatest masters and so on, but what we do, what we become, is determined by our character. It is impossible to transmute the bad into the good, the wrong into the right. There is always this possibility. It would be an utterly uninteresting world if everything remained what it seemed to be. I do believe in transmutation. For example, two men are put in prison. One man is utterly despairing; if released he may commit murder again. The other man goes through some inner change and comes out a new man.” –Henry Miller, My Life and Times

Dear Henry Miller,

If we are wise, fortunate, and strong willed enough, we leave our past in the past and move forward in life. But, sometimes I need to take a glance back to the past to realize how far I’ve come. I feel the need to venture to the past and tell you about an important event in my life – two, amazing, yet, emotionally confusing weeks, that changed everything for me and the path that I walk upon today.

It was around this time of year, fifteen years ago. I had been conversing with a man via emails, phone and chatting with him online, for about two months. I was still married to my first husband, Mr. D.A. We had married young – I had just turned nineteen years old. We were now approaching our ten year wedding anniversary. My children were very young at this time. My first husband and I fought all the time, which was very unhealthy for me and for the kids to witness or to be around. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was in this marriage, until I left, to visit this gentleman in California, who I will name Mr. California Man. He told me he could help me sell the mystery, detective novel I was working on. I was young, naïve and desperate enough for success – so I believed that he could help me. Sometimes weird things happen, which turn out to be the best things in my life.

Mr. California man was also married with children. I have no idea how he convinced his wife, who he had been married to longer than Mr. D.A. and I had been wed, to let him purchase a plane ticket for me, and permit me to stay with them as I visited. It was weird and awkward at first. However, my heart raced fast when I first saw Mr. Cali Man, appearing so handsome in a dark, sharp suit, colorful tie, starched white dress shirt and black trousers. Mr. D.A. never dressed up – he generally wore ripped jeans and a dirty t-shirt. He smelled like grease and sweat, instead of pheromone releasing cologne. I have always loved a sharp, well dressed man – one who smells of expensive cologne. My grandfather always dressed nice and smelled good – a very classy man. It’s one of my weakness’ for men. I like them to take pride in their hygiene and how they look.

Needless to say – my knees went rubbery and weak when Mr. California Man met me at the airport, dressed so sharp, greeting me with flowers in his hands and a warm, welcoming smile. I couldn’t slow the rushing beats of my heart. I couldn’t deny the immediate attraction I had felt for this man. We had talked for many long nights via IRC chat room, getting to know each other deeply with written words. I couldn’t deny that his appearance and his romantic gesture with flowers were alluring to me, much like a moth to a flame. It had been a long time since Mr. D.A. had done something romantic for me –he generally made me feel like shit about myself. Or, I let him let me feel like shit. Whatever the case, he wasn’t a confident booster.

Mr. D.A could have stopped me at any time before I took this flight. He also didn’t have to drive me to the airport, if he had any fear of losing me. He wasn’t always the brightest, but I would’ve thought that maybe he would have caught on that there might be something going on between Mr. Cali Man and me – if he would’ve taken the time to observe the hours of chatting I did with him on IRC, emails, or by telephone. I think something deep within me wanted Mr. D.A. to fight for our love and marriage, insisting that I don’t go. But, he never did – which saddened me. I thought I was worth more than that to him.

It was very early in the morning when I boarded on a Delta flight, headed to San Dimas, California. I was too excited. I didn’t sleep the night before. I felt extremely nervous, chatting away to the older gentleman seated next to me, distracting me from the major turbulence we were experiencing, as we neared closer to our destination, due to the strong, Santa Anna winds. He giggled at my popular Minnesota Oli and Lena jokes told to him in my fake Swedish accent.

Up until this point, I had only flown to Arizona a few times to visit my grandparents, when I was younger. I was an inexperienced flier, and the extreme turbulence was making me very tense. I was also very uneasy about meeting Mr. Cali Man. I was finally going to put a face to his voice and words. What if he doesn’t like my appearance? What if he’s mean, sloppy and ugly? What if no one meets me at the airport? What if? What if? What if? I was grateful for the distraction. It eased me, silencing my “what ifs?” for awhile.

I still have the small, navy blue, airplane blanket that the older gentleman I had met, had given to me, to keep the chill off me as we traveled. He tucked it into my bag as we said our goodbyes, departing the airplane. We were both relieved that we had arrived safely at the small San Dimas airport, grateful to each other for making an unpleasant flight a more pleasant experience. I don’t think I will ever forget him.

My first husband and I couldn’t afford the luxuries of flying anywhere. I had worked in Social Services, and was now out on disability leave, and Mr. D.A. didn’t work anywhere. Life was a bitch. I had been extremely sick at this time, due to my kidneys and other complications. The financial stress, the dysfunctional chaos I lived with, being married to my first husband, was getting too overwhelming for me to deal with. I needed an escape!

I also felt lost about not having a career any longer – a job that I enjoyed. I worked as a Vocational Case Manager for adult clientele who had disabilities, mental or physical. I tended to specialize in the difficult cases, like working with individuals with Traumatic Brain Disorder. I loved to get dressed in a sharp, dress suit with my briefcase and coffee in hand, and go to work, where I had my very own, large office, as well as a very long, never ending case load. My desk was always piled high with paperwork and files.

I genuinely liked the challenges which were given to me on a daily basis. I worked so hard and passionately at this job for over five years. And it was suddenly vanquish from my life, due to an illness I didn’t understand. These were definitely not the Golden Years in my life – these were the dark, smelly, crappy times. In a short amount of time, I had experienced many hospitalizations and surgeries. I felt frail and broken – much like my marriage had felt to me. I was looking for something, an answer, anything…but I did not know what.

Shortly after I arrived in San Dimas and we departed the small airport, Mr. California Man and I went to get something to eat, near the beach. The sun was warm and comforting. I was very nervous, often stumbling over my words with my tongue. Even though the temperature was warm, my body trembled as if it were chilled. I could not stop myself from shaking so much as we got acquainted with each other in person, because I was so nervous.

Here was a man who I spilled my guts to via computer for hours and hours with ever night for months. But, I didn’t know him in real person. His handsome appearance hypnotized me. We didn’t have Skype back then. All I had was an IRC chat room and an email account.

I must admit, I was enamored from the moment I saw him with his charm and handsome, chiseled face. His warm, kind appearance felt as if a breath of fresh air. I loved his dark hair, his warm, comforting aura, and the tiny chip he had in his front tooth. I felt intoxicated listening to him talk about his life and his mother recently passing away – staring dreamily at him. I felt as if a strong magnet had been placed between us and was drawing us closer and closer together. It was difficult to deny the magnetism I felt towards this man – a man I had yet to completely discover.

When I was younger, in my mid to late twenties, my days and nights were filled with enormous amounts of fear, doubt, depression, and a lack for life. I had been a career mom, working my ass off days and nights. I always felt so exhausted. Dr. D. A. was a bad house husband. He did the best he could to be a good father, and keep our children safe when I worked. I had to take care of all the meals, shopping, cleaning, laundry, in between my busy schedule of working a full-time job, working a part time job, and taking full time, accelerated college classes, one day a week at Cardinal Stritch University.

“Change, change, change. Change in the blood portending pregnancy or cancer. Change in the air; change in the ozone layer; change in everything we say and do.” –Erica Jong, Parachutes and Kisses

At first, when my physician told me that I needed to take a leave from work and school, I was relieved, yet devastated. My whole world was changing. I love my children dearly, but, I didn’t know how to be a full time domestic house mom. I didn’t want to be stuck with Mr. D.A. all day. I felt completely lost without my career. I felt lost within my marriage. I felt lost about my declining health. I felt stuck in Hell.

“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.” –Muhammad Ali, Woman’s Day, April 1, 2009

I could not believe that I had found the courage to fly a cross country to meet a man I hardly knew. This was unlike me. I was supposed to stay with Mr. D.A.’s aunt in Canoga Park. But, due to the heavy traffic, Mr. California Man insisted that I stay at their home for a few days in San Dimas. I felt extremely awkward when we entered his front door, and I met his two young sons and his wife. Due to my feelings of discomfort, I hardly knew what to say.

Mr. California Man assures me, as I smoked a cigarette outside, long after my introductions to his family, in his beautiful back yard, near his pool, that everything is okay with his wife and to not feel awkward. Easy for him to say! I can’t believe how fucked up this trip suddenly became. I realized I was at the mercy of this gentleman and his unknown family, in an unfamiliar destination, staring at all the damage caused by the recent Santa Anna windstorms.

My emotions kind of felt like that hot, wind storm. I felt warm, frustrated winds whipping inside of me, swirling and twisting. I’m outside of my element, in an unfamiliar warm, sunny place in January, where I’m used to bitter cold. Now, I’m here observing large twigs, small branches and leaves floating upon the top of the water inside the large pool – debris caused by the storm. Mr. Cali Man’s dog Kitana, barked a few times at a nearby bird who teased him just beyond the reach of his chain. I feel a little more comforted and relaxed about my situation. But, not much.

Yet, I still felt so confused about everything, almost regretting that I made this trip. But, something was keeping me here. There was really nothing I could do, but to go a long with everything, regardless of my discomfort. Or, I could demand that this man take me back to the airport and I go home. I didn’t want to return home to an unhappy marriage, where I felt unappreciated, where my world felt dark and dismal. Now, I felt something awakening deep inside of me! I didn’t know what it was just yet. It was a spark of hope, giving me the encouragement to believe that something would change the course of my life for the better.

The beginning of my stay with Mr. Cali Man’s home began really weird. I was taking a long, hot shower on my first night in San Dimas. The bathroom I used upstairs, near the bedrooms, had two doors and two parts to it. The first part had a large, deep sink, with a large, black and white marble counter top, surrounding the sink. There were big cupboards beneath it, and a few drawers for towels and toiletries. And a large rectangular mirror bolted to the wall above the vanity.

The shower was inside the second part of the bathroom, inside a much smaller space – only enough room for a toilet and shower stall. There was a door, which separated this area from the vanity area, which I locked, before I got into the shower. I forgot to lock the door leading to the first part of the bathroom, from the hallway.

I was extremely shocked when I got out of the shower, walked into the other part of the bathroom, with my towel wrapped tightly around me, and this young, teenage boy, Mr, Cali Man’s youngest son, popped out from beneath the sink, bursting open the cupboard doors, yelling loudly, “ROAR!”

That little fucker scared the crap out of me! I screamed, yelping at the top of my lungs. I was so frightened! (I can scare very easily!) Now, I wanted to go home! This was the first time I had really considered it. “What the fuck?” I thought – my body and mind still reeling and attempting to recover from the shock. It took awhile for Mr. California Man to calm me down, convincing me to stay. Eventually, I found humor in it and laughed my ass off. What a weird first day in California.

Mr. California Man and I spent the rest of the evening in front of a low fire in his den, sitting very close to each other, talking about our lives in person, face to face. My heart fluttered whenever Mr. Cali man touched me on the leg or shoulder, after everyone was asleep, whenever I was telling him something deep and dark about my past. I felt easily comforted by him. Our time together seemed to pass so quickly – hours seemed like minutes. It was almost dawn when we departed, said, “Goodnight,” and finally went to sleep. I felt much lighter, as if I had unloaded much of my past. And I slept much deeper – free from nightmares.

1/17/12 4:45 p.m.

I must go and get some art work done. I will try and write to you later, when I am on a break.

1/17/12 7:00 p.m.

For the first time in my life, I was removing old skins, like a snake, leaving them behind to begin anew. My life was changing right before my eyes, knowing that this adventure will drastically change the drama in my life and the direction it was going. I knew that I would never be the same woman ever again. I was being transformed into a different person each day I spent with Mr. California man. I felt stronger, more alive, awake, and more emotionally sound.

We talked about so many things, strolling hand in hand by each other’s side on so many warm, sandy beaches. We spent our days, when Mr. Cali Man’s wife was away at work, and his kids were in school, walking on Venice Beach, Long Beach, Malibu Beach, and then we went to Universal Studios and Disney Land. I was having the time of my life!

I had never seen the ocean and was immediately blown away by its vast beauty and force. I felt dreamy when Mr. Cali Man and I sat closely together, with his arms embracing me from behind, upon a large rock, the warm wind whipping my hair in my eyes. We observed in silence, the waves rippling towards the beach in a gentle rhythm. This man made me feel genuine love for the very first time in my life. It was a respectful kind of love.

I was stuck in a marriage with a man who didn’t respect me for almost ten years, my soul was dying. Mr. Cali Man was reviving me. I needed respect more than ever to grow as a person. I didn’t want to get stuck upon a never ending roller coaster ride of my fucked up marriage, any longer. I desperately needed more in my life. I knew that even if I can’t have Mr. Cali Man in my life forever, I knew that I needed to get out of my marriage. I had to make my life better for myself, or I was going to wither and die. But, having two small children, who I loved dearly, did not make my choice very easy.

Mr. Cali Man and I did our best to resist each other, but eventually our weak souls gave in. We stole kisses whenever we could. We held hands whenever we were in private. Sometimes Mr. Cali man would sneak into my bedroom, late at night, and give me a nude body massage. His hands and deft fingers knew just where to apply pressure, especially the important, overheated, wet places. His touch felt so good, relaxing me, my arousal heightened, my sex dripped with hot desire.

So far it has only been pleasure by his hands and not his cock. We were both uncertain about what we were doing – nervous about how far we wanted to take our spousal betrayal. So, we took it as slow as possible. I felt horrible for doing such naughty things inside Mr. Cali Man and his wife’s house, and behind Mr. D.A’s back. But, the temptation was much too great. We were pulled together by an undeniable force. I couldn’t stop myself from enjoying the sensual pleasures of Mr. Cali Man’s attention. I had been like a dying flower, thirsty for his touch and kisses, which was like water to my wilted soul. I could not resist him. I couldn’t deny the love I was feeling for him.

For the first week, every early morning and afternoon was an amazing adventure with Mr. Cali Man. In the evenings, I tried to escape the awkwardness between Mr. Cali Man’s wife and me – so I would walk across the street to socialize with neighbors Mr. Cali Man introduced me to, and smoke pot with them. They did some wicked shit in that house. The main woman of the house was a sexual maniac. She would chat all day with men she met on AOL chat, and meet them later in discrete places, like old warehouse in real life and fuck them. She was very daring and adventurous! I suppose it was no weirder for me to be in California, smoking pot with people I don’t even know.

Mr. Cali Man and I managed to sneak more intimate moments together, whenever we could, which seemed to transport us into a different world. I got so feverish and wet whenever he would caress the side of my face, or softly fondle my breasts, or make me come with his adventurous fingers. I could no longer deny my emotions for him. Nor, could he – our moments of foreplay came at quicker intervals. I felt horrible for betraying his wife in her house. But, the selfish part of me couldn’t deny my arousal and the undeniable magnetism I felt to Mr. Cali Man. I felt so confused, yet joyful. Henry, I was entangled deep inside my messy life, and maybe this will sound weird, but, it made me feel alive again.

When Mr. Cali Man and I were in Disneyland, we had a very romantic moment. My shoes had been hurting me, after walking the boardwalk for awhile, so I had taken them off. When it came time for me to put them back on, Mr. Cali Man insisted that I sit down in the middle of this courtyard. Next, he went down on one knee, slipping my shoes back on my feet, like a Prince would Cinderella, his hands buckling the thin leather straps around my ankles. I blush whenever I think about it, remembering how many people stopped to stare at us. That moment felt magical.

Afterwards, we leaned over a fence, gazing at a large, spraying fountain, and all the people and activity surrounding it and on the boardwalks. Mr. Cali Man appeared as if he was deep in thought. Before I can ask him if everything’s okay, he says, turning to me, moving in closer, “I want you to have this,” handing me his wedding ring. “I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I want to marry you someday. You will have to be patient with me, because I don’t know how this will happen. I’m unhappy in my marriage and I am falling desperately in love with you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was still unsure about leaving my first husband. My decision was terrifying. I had children, so does Mr. Cali Man. I lived in Minnesota and he lives in California. This is not an easy predicament or decision. I never gave an answer, just took the ring, gazed in awe at it for a bit, and then slipped it silently into my purse, kissing him deeply upon his lips. I know that it’s not romantic to slip the ring in my purse, but I would have hated to accidently leave it on my finger when we went back to Mr. Cali Man’s house and have his wife see it on my finger.

Even though I was uncertain about marrying this man, I did know that I wanted to make love to him. I did not want to wait any longer. Instead of seeing Disney Land, we booked a room at a resort hotel nearby. We took our time pleasuring each other with foreplay, kissing, touching, caressing, licking and sucking – pretty much, your basic vanilla sex. It was romantic – even though my orgasms didn’t rocket me into another dimension of time and space.

During those days I wasn’t extremely comfortable with my sexuality, or being treated respectfully while making love. Mr. D.A. treated me like a worthless piece of ass, taking it whenever he wanted, like when I was deep in sleep, during the night. It wasn’t easy for me to just let go and enjoy the pleasures of sex back then. I wasn’t comfortable enough to silence all the thoughts in my head and to just enjoy the moment. I did the best I could to enjoy it.

I must admit that I did feel much arousal being with Mr. California Man. He touched me softly, lovingly, pleasuring me before pleasuring himself. But, unfortunately those hours of sexual escape didn’t make me feel extremely high and awesome. It made me feel burdened with remorse, because I have now crossed over that edge of no return. I am now a true adulterous.

I was approaching my birthday. I felt so old, tired and worn out, for approaching 29. Mr. Cali Man and his wife want me to go to Las Vegas with them, and stay another week. They have a painting job that they want me to do in their home and will pay me well. This pisses Mr. D.A. off. He screams at me through the telephone – I hang up and go to Las Vegas anyways. I was approaching my 29th birthday. I wanted to end this miserable decade with some fun! It’s been such a long time since I have had any!

There is a war between my mind and heart as we drove through the Mojave Desert. I try to leave my remorse about my encounter with Mr. Cali Man, and my frustrated anger towards Mr. D.A., far behind me. I wanted to enjoy this trip. I may never get an opportunity like this again.

I’m enamored with the scenery. I had only read about the Mojave Desert. I was now witnessing it with my eyes for the first time – fascinating. I didn’t have a cell phone back then. I tried to call Mr. D.A. when we stopped at a small store in a very dusty, desolate area. I can still recall how hot the metal buttons felt on the metal phone, mounted to the store’s outside wall, burning my fingertips, dialing my home number.

Mr. D.A. and I continued to fight over the phone – it was no use to try and reason with him. I slammed the phone down upon the receiver with frustration. My anger boiled inside me in silence as we traveled onward to Las Vegas. I definitely felt that we were at the end of our marriage. There was nothing left to do, but try and enjoy my upcoming adventure. My mood was low, my heart was breaking, and my mind was jumbled with confusion. I sat in the back seat of Mr. Cali man’s car, still silent, sometimes wiping away tears which dripped from my eyes, and down my cheeks, as a stared out the window at the mystifying scenery.

I found comfort in scenery that seems so dry, desolate and dead. I felt hypnotized by the road, digesting every bit of new scenery as I could. I loved the mountains the most. I never thought that I would live long enough to explore much outside of Minnesota. So, I savored each scene, emptying my head, devoid all of my thoughts, and simply let go. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace and relief.

I had only seen Las Vegas in movies and television shows. I couldn’t believe that I was finally seeing it, in all its glory, for the very first time with my eyes. The lights, the crowds of people and the energy revived me, entering Las Vegas and driving to our hotel, Excalibur, which just opened. I felt something new was brewing inside of me. I was somehow finding the courage to decide to end my marriage. I knew this decision would be difficult, but, I needed to feel happy and well taken care of, or I need to be alone, and make my own self happy. I didn’t want to feel like an old, unappreciated mother, nagging at her over grown kid of a husband, any longer. I was tired. I needed respite. I needed some alone time from him to recharge.

“One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.” — Henry Miller, Big Sur and the Oranges of Hieronymous Bosch

End of Part One

Stay tuned for Part Two – Sinning in Sin City