Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is leaving a record number of federal government jobs unstaffed, dramatically diminishing the federal government’s effectiveness, however, one federal responsibility the Trump Administration apparently does care about is Social Security.

This morning a White House spokeswoman announced the selection for the head of Social Security, Bernie Madoff. The pick was instantly controversial, and #madoff trended across the social media sphere.

Critics of the Trump Administration expressed outrage and disbelief over the selection of Mr. Madoff, primarily because Madoff is currently serving a 150-year sentence for committing one of the most egregious fraud schemes in history.

“Picking Bernie Madoff is like asking the fox to guard the henhouse,” said Democratic Senator Allan Buckins of Oregon. “Even if it was appropriate to commute Madoff’s punishment, which I cannot stress enough to the Trump Administration’s legal staff it is not, no doubt Madoff would just embezzle money from the Social Security fund. It would be akin to letting him rob America all over again. His career was literally the personification of the two words making up his last name, ‘made’ and ‘off’.”

Other critics noted that the choice fits the pattern of President Trump selecting individuals to governmental positions whose professional and personal fortunes depend on incompetent and disinterested governance.

Meanwhile, Mr. Madoff was allowed a press conference from his jail cell, in which he promised he was very excited about serving the American people.

“It would be the honor—no, the privilege—of my life to be a public servant for my beloved country,” Madoff said to a pool of reporters, with his hands on the bars. “I understand that Social Security is a sacred bond between the public government and the citizenry, so I can assure you that I will be so hands-off of all your money it will blow your mind. I’m gonna take the Social Security funds and put them in the stock market and earn America billions and billions of dollars. Our Social Security will make us all rich cause I’ll make us all so much money. The only thing is, of course, that Social Security funds will be stalled for a while. Like, maybe a couple of years. But here’s the cool part. I’m going to set up a Social Security waiting list where if you give me money now, I’ll add the interest it earns to your future Social Security earnings. And every time you convince a friend to get on the Social Security waiting list, you’ll earn yourself more future Social Security money. Soon everyone will be making fists of money. Trust me. We’re gonna get filthy rich, you, the American people, and I. Take it from me, I was rich before I was put in prison for some measly $65 billion of fraud. Big whoop. But that’s nothing compared to the Social Security fund of 2.79 trillion with a capitol T. Seriously, this is gonna be amazing. But you have have to go a little bit without any Social Security. Whether it’s six months, one year, ten years, or however long it takes, when we get the pay day it’s gonna. Be. Huge. So call your senator to tell him or her to confirm me for head of Social Security. Mr. Trump is rich, and he picked me because he knows I’m great at what I do. And Donald is a genius. He pioneered the trick of using bankruptcy to screw over everybody who ever does business with him and avoid all personal and moral responsibility for his actions. Instant classic. Come on—me, Bernie Madoff, and Donald Trump together making America’s fiscal health great again? Sign me up. But for real, call your senator. I gotta get out of here. There’s no money in here and I’m going nuts. I just need a little money. Any of you reporters got any cash on you? Any twenties? I just want to touch a twenty again. Okay, fine, fives? Seriously, anyone got any cash on them? Hey, you, do you have any money in your purse? Do you have a couple dollars? Can I see them? Can you pass them to me between the bars? Oh my god, I just want to touch money again. Oh my God, yes. Oh, that’s nice. That’s beautiful. Can I keep them? So crisp, too. Like it just came out of a stack of $50,000 in a briefcase. Yes. Yes. Alright, press conference over, that’s all—I need some alone time. Go on, get out of here. Go. Show’s over. Seeya. Thank you. Buh-bye. Yo, Mikey, you might want to put on your headphones for a little bit.”

(Picture courtesy of Thierry Ehrmann.)

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