PRESCOTT, AZ—Admitting that the fourth-year criminal justice major had caught them completely off-guard, administrators at for-profit college Chapman Technical University were scrambling to design and print a diploma to award a student who was actually on the verge of graduating, sources said Wednesday. “Oh, my God, this guy is just three credits away from actually completing our graduation requirements—we should probably have some kind of certificate ready, right?” said student services coordinator Amanda Lenoch, noting that no one had made it this far in the school’s bachelor’s degree program before as she hurriedly scrolled through her word-processing program for any diploma templates. “Jeez, what’s on these things? I suppose we should probably have our name and logo on there, and I guess his name, too. Something in Latin, maybe? I have no idea. Man, I’m making at least five copies of this thing in case any more of these people come out of nowhere.” At press time, representatives from the school were reportedly scrambling to find someone at the college’s offices with some sort of academic qualifications to sign the diploma.

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