NEW YORK, NY – After presidential nominee Hillary Clinton stumbled and appeared near collapse at a 9/11 memorial service on Sunday, rival candidate Donald Trump and his fellow Republicans began loudly proclaiming that Clinton is too frail to lead the country, marking the first time in history that the party has expressed any interest whatsoever in a woman's health.

"This is a hugely exciting shift for the Republicans," explained political analyst Joshua McCaffrey. "I think we should all be deeply touched that the party would express such tender concern about female wellbeing after all these years of defunding Planned Parenthood and women's shelters, implementing endless legislation designed to shame women who need abortions, placing limits on birth control coverage, and allowing violence against women to remain completely unchecked."

Clinton's campaign staff announced yesterday that she is suffering from pneumonia, and will be scaling her schedule back in the coming days to allow her to rest and heal.

"It was no problem for me to publically question whether Hillary is okay," explains former New York City mayor and Republican Rudy Giuliani. "I just closed my eyes real tight for a second and pretended she was a man. That's how I got myself to feel those nice caring feelings."

Giuliani added that the feelings quickly dissipated when he was unable to sustain them beyond eight seconds.

Trump, however, says the shift in thinking took a bit of work on his part.

"I think about women's bodies a lot," he told reporters this morning. "But this is the first time I've ever asked whether a woman's body is working for her. Usually I ask if it's working for me."

Unsurprisingly, there is no word yet on whether a 70-year-old man who appears to jack up his blood pressure to dangerous levels every time he opens his mouth, and who has a toxic level of hate coursing through his veins, is fit to handle the presidency.

"I can't really comment on how healthy Trump's lifestyle is," explains McCaffrey. "I don't know about his typical diet, or whether he exercises."

Trump quickly laughed off this comment, explaining that every morning he gets up at 5 am and "exercises his right to treat women like the second-class citizens they are."

"I can go for three, four hours at a stretch!" he boasts. "Before work, on my lunch break, sometimes even before bed if I can fit it in. It helps me sleep better."