Halloween parades

Goth chicks have never really had too many problems with hasty, unsanitary, potentially regrettable sex. Halloween parades are, generally, the one place where said goth chicks and "normal" people (like you, assumedly) can congregate and celebrate while dressed up as the Joker or something. The costumes help make potential hookups more anonymous and mysterious, and will probably make decent-to-attractive goth chicks even hotter. Your one goal at a Halloween party is to, while dressed as the Joker, find and bang someone dressed like Harley Quinn.

Oktoberfest

I dunno if you heard, but Oktoberfest involves a lot of alcohol and Aryan chicks in lederhosen. Even if you don't get laid -- and if you can't get laid in a place where 90% of the population is drunk, then you probably had it coming -- you'll at least be sloshed out of your mind. And hey, after your fourth boot of lager, even the ugliest Fraulein will look like Scarlett Johansson!

Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras was always a big celebration of confetti and nipples, but the whole festival has been imbued with a sort of remorseful intensity since Hurricane Katrina. We all looked at New Orleans as the number one Mardi Gras spot on the planet, and after God decided to wipe her off the face of the map, other Mardi Gras celebrations across the globe have felt it necessary to up the ante of their own Mardi Gras celebrations. If New Orleans can't celebrate in the way they so rightfully should be able to, then other cities feel it is their responsibility to party twice as hard to make up for the Katrina tragedy. This means more booze, more dancing, and more really, really bad decisions.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

Now, now. I know what you're thinking: the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is a family-friendly day of floats and fun! How could you possibly pick up chicks there?!

Well, it's difficult, but therein lies the fun: how might you convince someone to have sex with you while a three-story tall Hello Kitty balloon hovers over you, watching your every move with a mixture of confusion and disdain? Statistically, there have to be many single people at a parade that damn big, in a city as huge as New York. Mixed amongst all the families and Today Show hosts, you can definitely find and attract someone. Think of it as a challenge.



Renaissance Faire

The Renaissance Faire is sort of like Halloween, but way nerdier, and therefore way easier to find sex. The women may be marginally less attractive, but they're clothed in interesting period garb, generally have big bosoms (as mildly chubby women do), and will likely be ready to engage in the sort of hedonistic wenchmenship the Middle Ages were known for. No renaissance recreation can be complete without dirty, medieval hookups: if you can have huge turkey drumsticks, jousting, kings and booze but not unsanitary sex, then what the hell's the point?

Brazilian Carnival

We already went into great detail about why Brazilian women are the hottest in the world, and Carnival is one of the biggest parades/parties/festivals in the entire world. The reasons this parade should be worth your time oughtta be pretty obvious.

The Noosa Festival Bikini Surfing Parade

In Australia, the Noosa Festival of Surfing Bikini Parade, in addition to being one of the most grammatically nonsensical titles in history, is as awesome as you'd expect. There's a surfing competition for the men and women, and then a bikini contest/parade thing where the chicks (many of them surfers themselves) compete to see who's the hottest hottie in hottieville. If you go, make sure to at least try to surf; if you try to pick up chicks without hitting the water, they'll see right through your schtick to the would-be pickup artist you're trying to be. You'll have to learn to surf and bring a board if you want to get any, but the rewards will be great.

Disneyland Electric Light Parade

Like the Macy's Day parade, this traditionally family-friendly situation is really just another huge challenge for getting play. It's even more challenging, of course, as the Main Street Light Parade was technically canceled twelve years ago. Still, the various Disneyland parks do parades pretty much every time they get a chance, and (even ignoring the hot college chicks who play Disney princesses), there are an awful lot of repressed teenagers and twentysomethings who still hold onto the hope that true happiness can still be found in small pockets of the Earth like Disneyland.

This is hilariously naive, of course, but showing the same amount of naivete can be a great way to get ingratiated with them. This, of course, leads to coitus in the happiest place on Earth.

Las Vegas Nascar Parade

While probably the most boring parade in fucking history, the Vegas Nascar Parade brings out Nascar fans -- make you own "might be a redneck" joke here -- from the woodwork. So long as we're working off horrible stereotypes, the average female Nascar fan is probably really drunk, confused, and not terribly intelligent. They are, in other words, walking one-night stands.

Nassau Hooters Parade

It's exactly what it sounds like.

Exactly.



Hustler Lingerie Parade

I realize this is a picture of Gemma Atkinson rather than a photo from the actual Hustler Lingerie Parade, but you try typing "Hustler" and "Lingerie" into Google and finding anything even remotely safe for work. It's really not a "parade," strictly speaking -- more of a fashion show -- but it's basically got a hell of a lot of Hustler models wearing lingerie (a step up in credibility from what they're probably used to, given Larry Flynt's proclivities). You'll have to be really good to outdo all the other slobbering manchildren present for the parade and nab the odd female onlooker or, in an even rarer instance, one of the models themselves. Given the rarity of the parade and the illustriousness of the hotties involved, only the ballsiest (or most arrogant) of men need apply.

Berlin Love Parade

The Berlin Love Parade is meant to celebrate the fall of the Berlin wall symbolizing personal and political freedom. The "Love" is supposed to refer to free love, peace, brotherhood and mutual respect.

This, of course, usually devolves into booze and experimental fucking. People will always want to drink and have irresponsible sex, and the "love" in "Love Parade" gives them an excuse. They can pretend that their lust for booze and flesh are in some way symbolic of a great, peaceful struggle against oppression and fascism.

It's total bullshit, of course, but it makes for a nice pickup situation.

