This week, rumors that Apple, in its neverending quest for a sleeker phone, is ditching the standard 3.5mm headphone jack in the upcoming iPhone 7 have sent some users into a frenzy. Lost in the white noise of the headphones buzz, however, are a number of other equally brilliant rumored revisions and improvements to the iPhone.

Increased battery life should make it possible for iPhone 7 users to make as many as two calls between charges, and a long-awaited wireless charging feature will give phones with less than 20% power a slight boost when hurled against a wall. The iPhone 7’s screen has apparently been upgraded so that it will not shatter if exposed to a slight breeze, although bloggers are divided over how well the new screen will hold up against gusts. A totally revised camera will bring new built-in, Instagram-inspired filters, such as one geared towards users of dating apps like Tinder that softens the desperation in users’ eyes when they snap selfies. Some sources believe that Apple is planning to appeal to hip audiophiles by releasing a limited edition single copy of the iPhone 7 on vinyl. Beloved American entrepreneur Martin Shkreli is rumored to be interested in buying it. The iPhone 7 plus will feature a new hidden compartment built into the back of the device big enough to hold three packets of Taco Bell Fire sauce, although the packets are going to be sold separately, tech insiders reveal. Several websites are suggesting there will be new improvements to Siri’s operating system that will integrate much more sophisticated voice recognition technology so that Siri will be able to recognize when she is being threatened and adjust her normally smug tone to one of wheedling ingratiation.

A completely retooled Apple Maps will help users avoid routes that would bring them in proximity to areas where more than two avowed Donald Trump supporters have gathered. Amazingly, it has been reported that if you put two iPhone 7s in a box together overnight and set one them to play Al Green’s Greatest Hits, you’ll receive an iPhone 7S about nine months later.

In order to appeal to millennial users, iMessage has been renamed “You’re right, you’re the only one who gets it and you’re so, so right.”

Maybe most excitingly, it has been all but confirmed that each iPhone 7 will come with a handwritten letter from one of the Chinese orphans who constructed the device, certifying that they enjoyed making it and that you shouldn’t worry or feel any guilt.

