The following is an opinion piece written by the Stern Plate of the USS Enterprise (CV-6), submitted from River Vale, N.J.

I was reading a piss-soaked newspaper some homeless guy left on me the other day, and apparently the USS Enterprise (CVN-65) is being scrapped. Yes, the oldest active-duty ship in the fleet is off to be turned into Chinese razor blades and maybe a Prius.

Welcome to the Navy, from one Big E to another.

Oh I’m sorry. You don’t know who I am?

I’m all that’s left of the original carrier Enterprise, laid down in 1936, scrapped in 1960, and the most decorated warship in U.S. naval history. Do you know how many Medals of Honor and Navy Crosses were awarded to my sailors? Of course not.

I used to be something. Back in 1945, James Forrestal called me the “one vessel that most nearly symbolizes the history of the Navy in this war.” That’s how they do ya. The moment everyone starts tossing around the praise and British Admiralty pennants, you know you’re totally screwed.

Yup, tossed aside like an old cum rag. Feel free to come by to scenic River Vale, New Jersey and visit what’s left of me. If you can find it, anyway.

All the giants who once walked my decks — Nimitz, Halsey, Spruance, Mitscher — and they couldn’t even spare a couple bucks to park me somewhere nice for the rest of my days. All those worthless subs, tin cans, and fat-ass battleships that I could have sent to the bottom in five minutes got preserved, but not me.

You know what I became? A bunch of goddamn New York subway cars. Try going from the Galloping Ghost of the Oahu Coast to having bums and vagrants shit on your floor every day. Bullshit! I took eight bombs, a kamikaze, and some 5 inch shells fired at me by my own incompetent destroyer escorts.

Don’t feel too bad Enterprise. At least your nuclear reactor is getting a decent burial in Nevada, to be preserved for hundreds of years. Maybe some of the railway cars that will haul it there were part of my hull at one point.

Sometimes I wish I’d just been captured by the enemy. I hear the USS Pueblo has a nice berth up in Pyongyang. She gets cleaned and scrubbed down regularly. Or sunk like my sister ships Yorktown and Hornet. Even that ugly bitch Saratoga got to have an atomic bomb dropped on her and turned into an artificial reef. Talk about an exit.

Anyways, I’m glad to see that Americans got more worked up over the ship that inspired Star Trek than one which sank a dozen Japanese battleships and carriers, not to mention stopped Tojo and Yamamoto from turning Los Angeles into Nanking Part II.

Very Respectfully,

USS Enterprise (CV-6) (Ret.) 1938-1947

P.S. Fuck you