This article is more than 2 years old.

February 19, 2015 This article is more than 2 years old.

When Apple stock rises,

And its value goes soaring,

The tech press starts fretting:

“How can we make this not boring?”

We make bar graphs, and pie charts,

And blueprints and floor plans,

We hunt Reddit and Twitter

And Ello and 4Chan,

We send essays and listicles

Flying through the doorjambs,

Yet nothing clicks better

Than “Apple’s worth more than.”

What’s Apple worth more than?

Click anywhere, you’ll see!

It’s worth more than GM!

It’s worth more than GE!

It’s worth more than

Google and Microsoft combined!

“Is there context for this?”

“Who cares?!” “Nevermind!!!”

Apple’s worth more than

The Russian stock market.

Let’s make that go viral!

Let’s fucking Left Shark it!

It’s worth more than McDonald’s

And Wal-Mart put together!

It’s as stiff as a board

And as light as a feather!

It’s worth more than

Switzerland’s whole GNP.

Yeah, take that, you Swiss!

Shove that in your cheese!

And when Apple’s been compared

To every rival and nation,

When each headline’s been sold

With the proper sensation,

When every non-Apple company

Has felt true degradation,

Just compare Apple to oranges

To stoke more excitation!

Like: Apple’s worth more

Than these fancy fast cars!

Or: Apple’s worth more than

These footballing stars!

It’s worth more than

The cost of the coke we all snort;

Add ganja and acid,

You’d still come up short!

Apple’s worth more than

A real Golden Snitch!

Does that make any sense?

Who cares, it sounds rich!

Apple’s worth more than

Like forty-thousand Hublots!

If you were Apple,

You could buy 750 billion slices at 2 Bros!

Is it accurate to claim

Apple’s worth more than Jesus Christ?

Get an analyst to say so!

That makes it all right!

“I know a crazy guy at BlackRock!

I’ll have that post up tonight!”

What’s Apple worth more than?

The list never ends:

It zigs and it zags;

Like an iPhone, it bends.

But when it comes to real worth,

Let’s all tip our hat:

It’s worth shitloads of traffic,

And what’s worth more than that?