Customers worldwide have been complaining about kids in public recently, and businesses have listened. It’s the latest round in the Parents vs. Non-Parents Smackdown, and it’s bringing up a slew of long-standing arguments.

Customers said, “I do not like them on a plane,” and Malaysian Airlines said it would no longer allow babies to fly first class on some flights.

Diners said, “I do not like them where I eat,” and a restaurant near Pittsburgh banned children under age 6 from its dining area.

The upshot is that many parents are outraged, childfree folks are feeling vindicated, and I can’t get Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” out of my head. Except in this version, Sam-I-Am is a chick named Mindy Sue who believes everyone should procreate and green eggs and ham are the little buggers themselves.

I’m Mindy Sue.

That Mindy Sue.

That Mindy Sue.

I do not like that Mindy Sue.

Don’t you want a kid or two?

I do not want one, Mindy Sue.

I do not want a kid or two.

Do you want one in a year?

I do not want one in a year.

I’d rather shove glass up my rear.

I’m happy being childfree.

Now take a hike and let me be.

But don’t you like kids when you fly

Even though they scream and cry?

I do not like them on a plane.

I do not like them on a train.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

Don’t you like them where you eat?

Don’t you think they’re cute and sweet?

Not where I eat.

Not at the beach.

Not at the park.

Not on an ark.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

Do you like them at the store?

I’m sure you would if they were yours.

I do not like them at the store.

I don’t want kids.

But wait! There’s more:

I do not like them where I eat.

I do not like them at the beach.

I do not like them on a plane.

I do not like them on a train.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them ANYWHERE.

But every little girl and boy

Is a precious gift, a joy!

Holy balls, give me a break

I just don’t think kids are so great.

I like to fly and eat in peace.

Now please go take a flying leap.