Re:New email, huh?

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 7:52 PM (10 minutes ago)

I guess Ruby didn't have much to say, huh? I guess that kind of figures. I'm glad you're there watching out for her. She's still hanging around with the Ice Queen? I just remembered her having a stick so far up her ass I was surprised she could sit down. Guess I don't really get to vet her friends if I'm not around though, huh?

I've been sitting here staring at my phone for ages trying to figure out what to type. I guess I hope this job of yours works out. It sounds like kind of a nightmare though, and honestly, I never really saw you as the type to just settle for whatever was easiest. But hey, I guess I never saw you as the type to get a roommate, or the type to go to college parties so maybe I just don't know you anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I get it, I left. I shouldn't complain that my sister doesn't have anything to say to me, or that my whatever-the-hell-I-get-to-call-you-today has changed, but I honestly don't know what you expected me to do. I have a business degree for fuck's sake. It's what I wrote down when I did orientation freshman year because it sounded like something that would make a college education worth it, and I just never found anything better. I had no passion for it, no inspiration, just some vague idea about opening a garage somewhere down the line. News flash, I can do that anywhere, and there are probably way better places for it than Portland freaking Oregon.

I'm sorry, I'm just irritated. You say I'm "dodging the question" or whatever, but I'm not Blake. I'm just sick and tired of repeating myself. I'm sick of you not believing me. I told you when I made the decision to travel. I told you I might not come back, that if I found some place I really liked, I'd consider circling back, but ultimately I wanted to see more of the world. You've always treated this like some sort of phase, like I'm some stubborn child who's pretending to be an astronaut or something. This is my LIFE, and this is the way I want to live it.

Well, almost the way I want to live it.

Sorry again. I wish I could say I was drunk this time, but I'm not. That's kind of irritating too, you know, that I'm holding off for your sake when you're a continent away. I stopped for the night, pulled into some city and found a parking lot that didn't say anything about leaving a car overnight explicitly so I could get wasted. Hell, I'm looking at the bottle, and I really want to start drinking, because I've got a lot of shit going on in my head and it helps me sleep. But I care so damn much about what you think of me.

It helps keep me warm, too. The nights are getting colder.

I miss you so much.

Fuck, what is this email even turning into? Busted, okay? I'm not entirely fine. I felt weird after sending you the email about Raven, and even though I was so ecstatic to hear back from you, at the same time it felt like you were acting weird and I'm beginning to think this whole thing might have been a mistake. I'm frustrated, for a lot of reasons, mostly ones you know, but also because that job you have now? That job I know you hate, the kind of job you swore you'd never take is the reason we're not together right now. And I'm frustrated because you moved into an apartment with my sister, but whenever you talked to me about moving downtown, I was never invited. And that was way before I started talking about traveling. I know, okay? I waited. I wanted you to ask, Blake, for once I wanted to feel like I was important enough for you to ask. How many times did I ask you to come with me? Why was I always the one who had to follow you around like a lost little puppy, desperately trying to earn your approval?

Why did you have to be drunk before you'd tell me you loved me?

I'm sorry. I'm letting myself get emotional, and unfortunately that means I'm probably going to end up sending this instead of just deleting it like I should and sending you another "everything's fine" message.

I am grateful you're there looking out for my family. Really. Tell dad I'll call him, just...not yet. I want to get this Raven thing over with first. One way or another, either she's there or she's not. I think I'm just about dead enough inside right now to handle it.

No I don't know where I'm going

But I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from: Lancaster Ohio

A/N: I think I enjoy writing most when I get to hurt my characters. That might say something about me as a human being, but whatever, I'm enjoying myself, and hopefully you are too! Check back in a few days for Elfen's chapter, I already know she's going to lay on the feels.

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