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ATLANTA, GA – Lost amidst the opioid and obesity crises over the past few years, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has decided to a bring a forgotten issue near and dear to health care professionals back to the forefront: the lost pen epidemic.

“If there is something more important than the loss of life, it is the loss of pens,” CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald informed multiple news outlets this morning. Her pens were surrounded by added security. “We have made strides against opioids and obesity. It is now time to turn our attention to those trillions of pens lost but certainly not forgotten. We may not get those pens back but we can certainly prevent the loss of more. And how do we do that? Hold onto your pen. If a friend asks for it, tell them no, we have an epidemic on our hands. Give them Dilaudid if you have to, just not your pen.”

The CDC has made the formal recommendation against loaning out a pen if someone asks for it. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) is also expected to recommend against the loaning of pens both in the health care setting and in the real world (Grade D recommendation).

“It really doesn’t matter if you have several pens on you or a pen-munition belt, you have to say no,” echoed Surgeon General of the United States Jerome Adams, his pen chained to a belt loop. “If you have five pens and loan one, you’re down to four. Loan another one, down to three. Get the idea? It’s basic math. Before you know it, you’ll wish you were never alive.”

Adams went on to say that it doesn’t matter who asks for the pen either: it could be a dear colleague at work or your 8-year-old kid at home. “You have to stand your ground and say, “F**k off.’ It’s the right thing to do.”