Comedy plays taking the mick of out the great sky deity aren’t the only thing that offend the good Christian men and women of the Democratic Unionist Party – the largest political party in Northern Ireland. The offence runs so deep that we here at Off The Record cannot comprehend the hatred they feel for any number of products, events and liquids that offend their Lord God His Worshipfulness. Let’s have a quick look at five other gems the DUP have banned or attempted to ban over the past few years:

Silly String

Bert Johnston was so offended by the invasion of silly sting that was haunting his community that he put forward the motion of banning the former party product. Not content with the strings of death that forced men, women and children onto the streets in a mass – post London riots style – cleanup operation, the man with the plan bravely fought for this, the most noble of causes. We salute you sir.

Beer at a beer festival

“We in the DUP are totally opposed to this German beer weekend” stated a DUP councillor stumbling out of his local pub stinking of Lynx Africa a vein attempt to no doubt cover up the smell of gin. Indeed, Oktoberfest does actually run against all of the DUP’s core belief systems – fun, friendship and short skirts. The plague that would have been brought down upon Northern Ireland should this heathen festival of alcoholism been allowed to take place would have been unthinkable. Almost enough to turn you to drink.

Peace talks on a Sunday

In refusing to talk to anyone on a Sunday apart from the Lord God His Worshipfulness, the DUP were extremely effective during the recent Haass/O’Sullivan peace talks. Not only did this rather genius decision mean that every member got an extra day in bed to ponder in silence the way forward to peace and prosperity for Northern Ireland, but they had extra time to pray and consult the ‘higher being’ on advice on such matters of importance. If only all other jobs were as lenient as that of politician. Sorry Stan, cant make it in to the Hospital to save the lives of all those dying children today, there is a blonde haired, blue eyed Middle Eastern God/Man/Holy Ghost that needs a good talking to.

Whistleblowers

When DUP Stephen Brimstone – special advisor to Social Development Minister and LOL man Nelson McCausland – attempted to pressure Jenny Palmer into changing her vote to extend a Red Sky contract, Mrs Palmer quite right spoke out. The DUP were not too happy about this breach of trust and questioning of their inherent right to pressure other members of their party into voting in favour of dodgy companies. While they can’t outright ban whistle-blowers they are yet to offer a formal apology and for that it takes a place on this list.

Gay Blood

There was a time when notions of gay and straight blood were never even brought into question. The straight blood sat in the pub all day doing weights, drinking lager and punching other (weaker) man bloods in their Haemoglobin filled faces. The other blood – the bad one – wasn’t mentioned much. But rumours were that they carried diseases and couldn’t be trusted as much as the straight bloods. The rumours got so bad that Edwin Poots, the DUP’s healthiest health minister caught wind of all this and decided to ban the bad ones from public consumption. When this was found to go against the so-called ministerial code the gay bloods were allowed back into the sick people that needed any type of blood to survive.

Jason Murdock Jason Murdock is the Editor of Off The Record and a blogger for the Huffington Post. Interests include local politics, new journalism and the quest for the Holy Grail. Contact: jason.a.murdock@gmail.com or via Twitter @Jason_A_Murdock More Posts - Website Follow Me:



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