ATLANTA—A new study released Monday by the Centers for Disease Control has found a direct link between a particularly aggressive strain of ocular cancer and reading text on a computer screen. “We’ve found that reading a headline followed by three or four sentences on a computer screen will result in a malignant brain tumor 97 percent of the time,” said researcher Jason Lofton, adding that even scanning a phrase modifying the name of a source can rapidly accelerate the cancer’s metastasis. “We’ve discovered that news stories with more than three commas are particularly bad, and readers should avoid compound sentences at all costs.” The study also concluded that the disease is treatable if caught early, unless one encounters the sort of icon that indicates the end of a news article, in which case there is no cure.

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