A Padwan's Guide to Star Wars Pornography

This feature originally ran in December 2015. It’s blasting off again in anticipation of Solo: A Star Wars Story.

It seems like just about anything can get a porn parody these days. A cursory Google search reveals adult knock-offs of Breaking Bad, American Dad!, and even Mythbusters. As the 34th rule of the internet dictates, “If it exists, there is porn of it.”

So, yeah, anything can get a porn parody. But can you get two? Three? Five? That’s when you’ll know you’ve truly made it. And judging by the sheer amount of Star Wars porn parodies out there, George Lucas can finally rest assured that he’s made an impact. In anticipation of Solo: A Star Wars Story (and its eventual porn parody), we at CoS have decided to comb the dark corners of the internet for the best, worst, and weirdest Star Wars live-action smut. Yes, that’s live-action smut, for were we to delve into the animated stuff we’d … well, we’d simply never be the same.

To go about doing this, we set the rule that it had to be a proper, full-length production. None of this skit business, or we’d be here all day. We also broke down categories of analysis, as follows:

A Striking Resemblance: How much does it look like any of the Star Wars movies, new or old or both?

Who Meets During the Journey? Which characters are led together by fate to enjoy one another’s company?

A Long, Long Time Ago: How does the film hold up today?

Does the Force Awaken? Is there anything in this film that may actually be appealing to one end or another for most human beings?

Now, let’s set off for the not-so-distant past.

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Star Babe (1977)

A Striking Resemblance: Star Babe was released the same year as Star Wars, giving it the distinction of being the first film to introduce dongs to the Star Wars universe. It has its own plot – The Star Angels are sent to the planet Phallus to prevent a takeover of Earth, according to IMDB – but it clearly takes place in the same world as Luke and Leia, what with the appearance of Darth Vader and a Stormtrooper, who join forces to double-team one of the Angels. There’s also a terrifying Chewbacca knock-off named Woogie and a busted-ass cantina that makes Mos Eisley look like Alinea. You’ll also hear a garbled riff on John Williams’ iconic score during the opening scroll.

Who Meets During the Journey? You’ll find no Luke Skywalker or Han Solo in Star Babe; the Angels pretty much just get off with Woogie and some weird aliens in the cantina. In the end, they triple-team some dude called Captain Marvelous, who seems to have no precedent in the Star Wars universe at all. Something tells me they only watched the trailer.

A Long, Long Time Ago: Star Babe seems to be remembered more for its poster than the movie itself. Not surprising, really, as it’s pretty standard ‘70s smut: reliably filthy with a touch too much story. Some guys were so struck by the movie’s special effects, however, that they compiled them all into a SFW video that they feel serves as a tribute to Stanley Kubrick. I can see it, honestly.

Does the Force Awaken? Not particularly, unless you’re into watching people bang in monster masks. And maybe you are. No judgement here. Unless you’re into Woogie. Woogie is a walking nightmare.

–Randall Colburn

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Sex Wars (1986)

A Striking Resemblance: Sex Wars at least mirrors Star Wars more than Star Babe, with characters like Princess Layme, Brinker Duo, and Mark Starkiller standing in for their respective namesakes. Here, Princess Layme recruits the boys to help her save Princess Orgasma from the planet Tryos. Once the evil, chrome-domed Baltazar shows up, though, we’re in full-blown Star Trek territory. One character does randomly wear an Admiral Ackbar mask, though, which is hilarious.

Who Meets on the Journey? As thanks for joining her, Princess Layme treats Brinker Duo and Mark Starkiller to a threesome. Otherwise, the sex mostly happens between one of those three, Princess Orgasma, and any number of intergalactic weirdos. There’s more sex among the cantina patrons, too, though this saloon is more The Fifth Element than Mos Eisley.

A Long, Long Time Ago: Sex Wars lauds itself as being the first adult film to have “major studio sci-fi,” a marketing trick that the makers of 2005’s astronomically budgeted Pirates would adopt some years later. The flaccid green screens and cheesy costumes are hilarious now, but in 1986, Sex Wars was at least visually on par with Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. It’s also, like most ‘80s relics, pretty racist.

Does the Force Awaken? Well, there are fewer monster masks, so that’s a bonus. Most importantly, though? No Woogie.

–Randall Colburn

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