Living and working in Afghanistan brought me two things, stomach issues and a high adrenaline work atmosphere. The latter speaks for itself. There have been numerous articles written about the 2001 invasion by the US and its allies, the merits of staying in/out of Afghanistan, the Taliban (one has to mention them in every article), women and children’s rights’ and so on and so on. I won’t here. I want to tell some stories about being a vegan in Afghanistan and what one eats there.

First off, I should point out I love Afghanistan, its people and terrain. And NO I was not in the military there, but a humble aid worker and not on a big fat salary like most of the UN workers – I guess they all say that now. It has a special place in my heart and always shall. But Afghanistan is one of the hardest places on the planet to be a vegetarian, never mind a vegan. It also has the worst diet on the planet – even meat eaters have confessed this to me. The Afghan diet is basically kebabs, rice, some more kebabs and the legendary Afghan naan bread and a lot of eggplant that is basically floating on a sea of animal fat oil. Lettuce is considered a salad in itself and very healthy. You get the picture? Not good for the heart. Not good for the archeries. This may explain a lot about the severe health issues in the country. War and bad food do not mix very well, but throw in heavily infested water-borne diseases with very oily fat food…well, lets just say that the World Health Organization may never leave the country. However, Afghanistan does have some amazing fruit, such as the famous Kandahar pomegranate (ironically close to the spelling of grenade) and a joke lost on most. Then there are the melons. Hundreds and hundreds of different types in all shapes and colours. See the picture. Amazing eh? It has not been photo-shopped either.

So, back to the subject heading: the Afghan Diet. The Kabul diet is very tolerable with all its western style restaurants geared towards the ex-pat with buckets of cash to burn, so to be fair, it is hard for any vegetarian to go hungry in that city in recent years. But try the rural parts of the country for a vegan or vegetarian. One story comes to mind. I was on a work trip to the Afghan-Iranian border and close to the largest town in the area called, Zaranj. It was lunchtime. It was a small village close to Zaranj. There were about two houses (very basic and very remote) in this remote outpost. There were about eight people in our team. Two foreigners and the rest were Afghan.

The cook had prepared lunch. Everything was ready. To be honest, I would have eaten anything as I was starved and it had been a very long day on the road. Sometimes one just has to adapt to your terrain. My body could not though. Some 15 years as a vegetarian had made my body just say: no way man, any meat shall not stay down here. ‘It will come back-up’, my stomach uttered. With this in mind, I sat at the table and watched as piles of rice were served up and the legendary Afghan kebabs just kept coming and coming. To say I was a vegetarian would have meant a discussion and a long and complicated one at that. I thought maybe use the classic ‘religious argument’ as an excuse. Yeah, a religious argument in one of the most religious countries in the world. Maybe. But my small beard simply looked pathetic. I thought, maybe try the Hindu argument, but Indians were deeply mistrusted in Afghanistan and that might lead to a riot. Maybe the Buddhist approach. No remember what happened in Bamiyan (the place where the Taliban blew up the 3000 year old Buddhist statutes). I was running out of options and fast.

‘More rice’, I said and ‘more bread’. I had an idea. I took control of the conversation, mainly work-related and deflected the topic in hand to a colleague. All eyes were on her as she spoke. For the briefest of moments, I managed to get some of my kebab and hid it under the mountain of rice I had built up on my plate, while appearing to fill my mouth. The food plan worked. No one noticed. I done the trick several times and made sure the rice was all over the plate, some on the table, some on me and some on the floor, in order to give off the impression of a meal well spread (literally). My usual eating habits in any case. Success. I had managed to gain respect from the Afghan and my eternally grateful stomach. No meat in this system and an invisible cloak of rice gave off the impression of a satisfied Western man who loves the Afghan kebab.

Feel free to use this trick, but be imaginative people. Verbally rejecting a countries cuisine, especially an Afghan one, mounts to treason in some peoples’ eyes. They also have guns and are not overtly keen on us in any case.

Tip Number One for the vegan traveller in Afghanistan: Just order extra rice and lots of it and keep that table conversation flowing, but deflect it all the time.

So many other Afghan food stories to share! More to follow in the days/weeks and months to come!!

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