Question

My boyfriend is depressed and has adult ADHD, so it is difficult to be sure whether his angry, ignoring, hypersensitive, and double-standards behavior is due to his mental illnesses or whether he is being intentionally abusive. He does not try to control what I wear or who I see. How can I tell the difference?

Community Answer

Neither depression nor ADHD causes a person to be abusive. No mental illness worth any sympathy causes a person to be abusive, and you should never look for or accept an excuse for abusiveness. It is understandable (and may indeed be tied to his illnesses) if he is hypersensitive or irritable or even aloof sometimes, but he should care about you enough to try not to lash out at you and give you the benefit of the doubt on things, and should be remorseful if he fails to do so. Double standards are selfish, unfair and unrelated to mental illness, though they don't necessarily constitute abuse. Talk to him calmly about whatever bothers you and explain that, while you sympathize with his troubles and want to help him, you need to feel cared about and respected in your relationship as well.