Santa Claus Converts To Calvinism, Moves Everybody To Naughty List

NORTH POLE—After a transformative moment reading R.C. Sproul’s What Is Reformed Theology? for the first time earlier this week, legendary Christmas icon Santa Claus reportedly converted to a full-on, five-point Calvinist, and almost immediately moved every single person on the planet to the naughty list, sources confirmed Friday.

“How can I put anyone on the nice list, when every human being is totally depraved from birth?” St. Nick was overheard saying to Mrs. Claus in his office. “No matter what filthy rags of righteousness they bring before the Lord, they are condemned already based on their sin nature.”

The jolly gift-giving man tasked his elves with purging the entire “nice” list and moving all the names over to the naughty list all afternoon, as he lectured them about their need for a Savior who could save them completely.

“He’s actually getting kind of annoying at this point,” head Elf Jing Ullbells said. “I wish we could just lock him in a cage for a few months to let him cool off before letting him interact with regular people again, but we’ve got the busy season going on right now. Ugh.”

Claus reportedly further repented of his merits-based system of giving out gifts, and will now instead select people to receive presents based on nothing good or bad within themselves, but solely on his mercy.

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