As my Twitter followers know, I have been soiling myself at the prospect of Trios being back in the shops. On March 1st we went to Tesco to get some, only to find out that our Tesco doesn’t do things normal people want, like Trios. They do flat screen TVs and kale. So we needed to journey far in order to obtain some Trios. We had to go on a quest!

The Quest

Not much of a quest really, we just went to some supermarkets. Asda only had two packets left. They must have had a run on them. You know, like banks do. So we picked up those packets and guarded them with our lives.

Next we went to Morrisons, but the selfish evil bastards didn’t have any in. They had loads of Penguins, but I would only be letting myself down if I accepted those.

Finally, after accidentally going to Asda again because we forgot, we went to Sainsburys. Trios galore! I grabbed ten packs without thinking, then I worked out that I was about to spend 16 quid on Trios. So I put two packs back.

This is what we bought:

At some point between leaving the flat and returning to the flat, I got it into my head that I should attempt to eat 36 Trios in an evening. I have no idea why this should be so, or why I chose 36. I’ll be honest, if they were cheaper I might have decided I was going to eat 60.

What for do this? Well, maybe my subconscious thinking was that, if Trios really are going to be limited edition, then I should make myself hate them before they go away. You know, like in a film where the hero pushes his one true love away in order to save her, but then he ends up having to rescue her with a sword anyway? That.

Stage 1: Hubris

First 6 Trios. I am slightly ashamed, because they didn’t even touch the sides. This is undoubtedly pre-overload arrogance on my part, but don’t most people get full after a whole packet of Trios? Also, don’t most people not go on quests to buy eight packets of Trios?

Trios 6 – 12: My head is starting to feel a bit tired. What is anything.

Better lay off the Trios until I’ve finished my work. I am now treating Trios like they are vodka.

Stage 2: Trepidation

Trios 10 – 15. I might need a doctor. Also I really want some chips. I once watched Man v Food (which I keep spelling as Man v Foof for some reason), and Adam had to eat a shitload of ice cream. He very wisely decided to eat some chips halfway through, to counteract all the sugar. Or he just wanted some chips, I’m not sure.

Collecting gold wrappers like I’m on The Crystal Maze.

Stage 3: Highlander

I don’t know why this has become so important to me. All I know is that you have to have a goal in life.

No one ever ate 36 Trios by sitting around not eating Trios.

You know what else I miss? Bachelors garlic butter rice. If they ever bring that back I shall eat… wait, how do you measure rice? 36 grains of rice isn’t a lot. 37? A mile?

Bloody stupid Trios. Why am I doing this? What am I trying to prove? I’m also starting to have all kinds of worrying and imaginary side effects, including but not limited to:

Inability to spell

Ennui

Diabetes

Laughing uncontrollably at humorous street names, such as Knob Lick Road.

Polite panic

Commitment phobia

However, I once watched Highlander while I was really pissed, but what I got from it was that the guy had to do a thing. So I’m going to be like Highlander and also do a thing. What I really need is a training montage.

Stage 4: Climate change

Had my chips.

I’ve now backed myself into a corner where, not only is my stomach now full of chips, but I can’t go to bed until I’ve eaten 20 more Trios, otherwise the quest will have been for NOUGHT. I’m going to watch the darts and sulk for a bit.

Stage 5: Poo related uncertainty

I am not in massive pain yet. I really should be. I’m going to pay for this later. I’m supposed to be going to bingo tomorrow. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to have to phone my sister in law and say “Sorry I can’t come to bingo, I gave myself the shits eating Trios.”

Trios 15 – 20: I’m starting to not want Trios any more. I’m also starting to think that if I push on and eat 36, I might actually die. And I can’t do that, I’ve got things to do; I’m going to Alton Towers soon. And I still haven’t launched my range of cleaning products called ‘Shite Away’.

I’m not sure sounds should be this muffled.

In retrospect, I’m not sure this wasn’t quite a bad idea. And I’ve had some bad ideas in my life. Trying repeatedly to phone ‘081 811 8181′. Hogging the kids’ ride ‘Heave Ho’ at Alton Towers in front of furious parents. Using up all the printer ink printing out a photo of Wolf from Gladiators. Attempting to eat 36 Trios in one evening might be among these ideas.

However, I have discovered something from this experiment – Trios are brilliant.