Story highlights Ryan Bell, former pastor turned atheist, says we don't need a divinity to find meaning

Bell: The absence of God has made him appreciate life and its potential even more

(CNN) It was January 2014 and I was sitting on the beach in Malibu looking out at the seemingly endless Pacific Ocean, ebbing and flowing. I had just begun a personal project of challenging my lifelong assumption that God exists.

You see, I had been a Seventh-day Adventist pastor for 19 years. I resigned from my pastoral position the year before , but now I stepped away from my faith altogether. It was a gut-wrenching decision but I couldn't see any other way to find peace and clarity. I encountered major theological differences with my denomination and evangelical Christianity in general, including the way it marginalizes women and LGBT people.

Ryan Bell

I questioned the problem of evils and God's general silence and inactivity. I sought out more liberal theologies and found them to be the slow death of God. Now I had to face the very real possibility that God does not exist.

Would I discover that God was present and involved, or would I discover that the whole web of theological claims I had embraced and helped develop were false?

I was feeling small against the beautiful and terrifyingly indifferent sea before me. Then I started to feel grateful. "What are the chances that I would be sitting on this beach right now, looking at this remarkable scene of beauty?" I thought. I was struck again by how unlikely my existence is.

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