Donald Trump’s supposed running mate – Indiana governor Mike Pence – has been picked for two reasons: he’s too boring to upstage the boss and, naturally, he’s incredibly rightwing

Name: Mike Pence.

Age: 57.

Appearance: If Anderson Cooper was your PE teacher.

Never heard of him. That’s the point. It’s a near certainty that Indiana governor Mike Pence will be Donald Trump’s choice of vice-president.

Why is that the point? Because vice-presidents are always chosen to balance out their running mates. Barack Obama (a nerdy young black guy) picked Joe Biden (a jazzy old white man) to join him on the ticket in 2008. And John McCain (a principled man with intelligence and experience) picked Sarah Palin.

And Donald Trump has picked Mike Pence because … Because he’s a colourless nothing in a suit who ostensibly lends stability to Trump’s endless parade of berserk neon theatrics.

Is that it? Well, that and he’s been specifically chosen to shore up Trump’s popularity with rightwing Republican voters.

Oh, God. Does that mean? That he’s a lunatic? Yes. He has signed overtly villainous abortion bills into law. He signed a segregation-style bill that allowed businesses in Indiana to refuse to serve gay customers. He’s so anti-refugees that he blocked the resettlement of Syrian war refugees in Indiana, before attempting to halt federal aid to any refugees who were already in Indiana.

He sounds fun. Oh, and in a closed-door meeting four years ago, he reportedly compared the supreme court’s decision to uphold the Democratic healthcare law to 9/11.

I thought Chris Christie was going to be Trump’s VP. It seems that Christie blew that chance when he endorsed Trump, and then immediately pulled a face like he’d just agreed to go waterskiing in Puke Canyon without a wetsuit.

Will this play well with the broader electorate? It depends. Between Trump’s anti-immigration stance and Pence’s anti-gay, anti-abortion mindset, it seems as if the Trump campaign is banking everything it has on the assumption that all Americans are awful people who hate everything.

Thank God we’re not like that in Britain. Oh, bless your poor sweet heart.

This is terrifying. On the plus side, “Trump/Pence” sounds like an abandoned denomination of Victorian currency, so at least there’s that. Right?

Do say: “It’s irrelevant. Donald Trump will never be president.”

Don’t say: “Then again, we did also say that he’d never be the Republican candidate.”