Hey, we've got a new president! That was easy.

But now what? If you believe disappointed right-wingers, America is doomed. Our economy will turn Socialist, abortions will become a recreational habit, and all of those terrorists who have been sharpening their knives for the last eight years will see our rookie president and promptly come-a-calling to test him. Believe the Left, and hold on to your socks because shit is about to get good. Racism is over, world peace is around the corner, and on Inauguration Day 2009 Atlantis will rise up from the ocean floor causing a dynamic environmental shift that will cure global warming and cancer.

My guess? Things will fall somewhere in the middle. But that's the beauty of propaganda: It's extremism at its artistic finest. Put a catchy tune to it and people will believe anything.

Anti-Pornography

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Outstanding news reporter George Putnam really hates porn. And don't even get him started on the breast fetish! What I want to know is, whose job was it to make sure that the film wouldn't contain so many awesome erotic images that men would be feel compelled to turn the volume off so they could fully concentrate on the naked women? Because that guy is awful at his job. It's like discouraging alcohol consumption by making people watch Backstage with the Rolling Stones.

LSD

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Not only does she murder an innocent hot dog who begs for his life so that he can continue supporting his wife and seven kids (and bears a striking resemblance to E.T.), but she does it while trying to pull off pink Capri pants with a green blouse? LSD really does mess you up. That's a primary color for God's sake!

Anti-Homosexual

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Did you know that homosexuality is dangerous like small pox -- and just as contagious! And that all gay men are like Wile E. Coyote, constantly setting traps for young, vulnerable boys to take their bait of kindness and sandwiches? If that's the case, then color me gullible, because halfway into that second story I was like, "Aww, he found a basketball friend!" I totally didn't see the whole "shadow of death" thing coming. Not with a jump shot like that anyway.

P.S. Is that first gay man Jack Nicholson?

Popularity

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I agree that parking in cars with boys isn't what determines a girl's popularity. It's what she does in the backseat that makes her prom queen. Hey-ooo!

Maybe I should go watch this one again.

Income Tax

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Income tax may be an archaic economic system, ill-suited for a country so vast and complex and full of rich people with smart, high-paid accountants, but gosh darn it it's the best we've got. And you'd better get on board, because if you don't pay your taxes, the world is gonna end. That's right, your tax dollars keep the world from spinning into chaos. You may not be able to buy happiness, but you can certainly buy freedom -- at the low price of 26 percent of your gross income. Basically what they're saying here is that Joe the Plumber is a terrorist.

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