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A lot of people have described me as “nice.” It never used to bother me, until I started to notice it wasn’t always a compliment.

It’s like growing up and hearing your grandma say “Bless your heart,” with the utmost sincerity, then hearing a Southerner say it for the first time and realizing they just called you a moron.

As I became more self-aware, I started to pay closer attention to the underlying meaning behind the word.

Inspired by Jeff Barton’s post, When Did Being Nice Become a Character Flaw? I realized there are many instances when being “nice” can actually hurt you more than it helps.

When It Keeps You From Being Honest

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As an INFP, I have a natural inclination to keep the peace. In group situations, I try to find consensus and avoid conflict whenever possible. At times, the desire to avoid confrontation has kept me from saying what’s really on my mind.

Fear of hurting someone’s feelings or being perceived as “difficult” should never keep you from speaking up when it matters. Otherwise, people may tell you that you’re nice, but they won’t trust you to be honest with them.

When No One Knows What You’re All About

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We’ve all met someone who has a strong opinion about everything.

“Country music isn’t ‘real’ music.”

“The world will definitely end by 2050.”

“This barbecue sauce will change your life.”

Sometimes it’s annoying, but there’s something I really admire about a person with strong opinions. You always know where they stand, and you can start from there. The flip side of this is someone who seems cool with everything, but you realize you’ve been friends with them for a year and you have no idea what to get them for Christmas. Don’t just agree with everything; stand for something.

When It Keeps You From Making Decisions

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My husband is a genuinely nice guy. He’s compassionate and considerate, which are important qualities when you work at a supervised parenting center.

We’re a lot alike, actually. And sometimes we run into problems because of this.

“What do you want for dinner?”

“Whatever you want, sweetheart.”

“Where do you want to go on vacation?”

“I don’t know, wherever sounds good to you…”

“I’m asking you because I want your ideas!”

There’s a time to compromise and a time to go with the flow, but if you’re consistently avoiding decisions in the name of being agreeable, it’s not helpful. You’re just putting the burden on someone else to make all the decisions.

When You Take On More Than You Can Handle

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For a long time, I wasn’t very good at saying ‘no.’

I cheerfully agreed to client requests, one-off promotions and small favors from friends and family. Most of the time, this was all fine—until I realized I was saying ‘yes’ for the wrong reasons.

Sometimes I’d agree to do something even when I knew it would be a lot more effort than it was worth because I didn’t want to let someone down. Or I’d take the extra shift when I knew I’d be exhausted because I didn’t want to seem like less than a team player.

I was being ‘nice’ to avoid disappointing someone or feeling inadequate. I was agreeing to unrealistic work hours or deadlines, and I was suffering for it.

Worse, I wasn’t really doing anyone any favors because I wasn’t prioritizing the things that would have the greatest impact. I was just doing it all and hoping some of it would be successful.

When It Keeps You In Uncomfortable Situations

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When I was in my mid-20s, a much older man who worked in my building started to take an interest in me. He would read my news stories and columns carefully and stop by my desk to comment on them. I worked second shift with a thin crew, so there were times when I was one of the only people in the newsroom late at night, with not much else to do but wait around. He seemed a little eccentric, but I figured he was harmless. I listened (probably for too long) and engaged in conversation for the sake of being polite.

Then the letters started coming—long, handwritten letters that included his thoughts on local politics and musings about life. The letters started to get more personal, and this man kept stopping by. I didn’t know how to tell him to leave me alone. I kept the conversation short and told him I was busy, but he wasn’t getting the hint. Someone else noticed what was going on and talked to his boss. He never bothered me again.

Even now, I’m embarrassed I didn’t stand up for myself. I see a pattern that persisted for too long. I’ve stayed in awkward conversations too long because I didn’t know how to walk away. I’ve allowed myself to get into uncomfortable situations because I didn’t set boundaries.

Being Nice Vs. Being Kind

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I still consider kindness to be one of the most important qualities a person can have, but I’ve learned there’s a big difference between being nice and being kind. They may look the same on the surface, but psychiatrist Marcia Sirota explains the difference lies in our motivation.

“The nice person is externally motivated,” Sirota writes. “He’s driven by the need for other people’s approval and validation; he craves acceptance and is fearful of rejection,” “The kind person is internally motivated. She has good self-esteem and isn’t looking for approval. She’s less concerned about what others might think of her and more interested in doing the right thing. Her compassion comes from an overflowing of her positive self-regard and not from the need to please.”

The nice person can’t be authentic because he’s too preoccupied with being a people-pleaser, according to Sirota. He has a hard time making genuine connections and while his behavior might be outwardly positive, he can start to feel disappointment and resentful.

The hard truth is, we tend to respect a person who is kind, but we look down on someone who is just nice. A kind person values herself. She’s able to handle conflict and constructive criticism, which makes her easygoing and approachable. A nice person has low self-esteem, so he’s afraid to stand up for himself and acts out of a fear of being criticized.

Looking back, I realize I’ve wasted too much time and energy trying to be nice. It took a long time to take an honest look at myself and start to make improvements, but I’m striving to be a more genuine, kind person every day.

What kind of person do you want to be?