Luxury hotels have always had to contend with toiletries and even the odd bathrobe being pilfered. But now thieves are suddenly much more ambitious

Name: Mattress theft.

Age: Young. This is recent.

Really? Haven’t burglars always looked under the mattress when on a job? Loads of people treat under the mattress like a savings account. This isn’t about stealing what’s under the mattress, it’s about taking the actual mattress.

Sounds awkward! Where are these mattresses being stolen from? Hotels.

It was Lenny Henry! I saw him in one of those beds from the purple hotel, on the beach, also at King’s Cross station. That was an advert, for Premier Inn. This is real. And the hotels are a lot posher.

Posher than a Premier Inn? Shut up! Seriously, we’re talking five stars here.

OK, I have a confession to make: there has been the odd occasion when we have stayed at hotels and nicked the shower gel. Of course, you have to! Along with all the toiletries.

Also the sewing kit and the sponge thing for shining shoes, and the slippers. Naturally.

We have thought about taking the bathrobes, too, but bottled it. Yeah, they are on to that. They now try to guilt you into buying them.

Obviously, we weren’t going to do that. So we took a couple of the smaller towels instead … and the iron. Really?!

Mattresses, though! That seems like a step too far. Agreed, but a survey of hoteliers has discovered that theft of luxury mattresses is becoming what is known in the hotel business as “a thing”.

Especially for five-star hotels? Correct. They are eight times more likely to be robbed of a mattress than four-star hotels. Mattress technology has become so advanced that luxury hotels now pride and promote themselves on their mattresses, which can be worth several thousand pounds, making them a top target.

Yeah, but … You’re going to ask how you sneak it past reception, right?

Exactly! How does it work? You get someone to distract them by asking if they have got a city map, while you just sneak past and pray there isn’t a revolving door? No. The survey, by Wellness Hotels, finds that most mattresses go missing during the night from hotels with direct elevator access to their underground car park.

Gotcha. A quick check of the corridor, into the lift, hit CP, into the van and away. Sweet dreams! For ever, and thank you for the memory foam.

Do say: “Minibar? Yes, just the one Heineken, and a packet of nuts.”

Don’t say: “Oh, plus a handmade luxury pocket-sprung super king size, upholstered using layered cashmere, mohair and alpaca …”