The NBA has had some interesting personalities come and go through the league in its lifetime. “Interesting personalities” is probably the nicest way possible of putting it. The league has done a lot to clean up its public image of a “overpaid thugs”, with mostly great success, but players personal lives still inevitably make it into the headlines. With great athletic ability comes great responsibility to not do dumb shit, according to that quote from Spiderman that I just manipulated.

Athletes today are observed through such an intensely judgmental microscope that any slip up immediately becomes world knowledge. Some of these are hilarious (J.R. Smith trying to get laid), some disturbing (Kobe Bryant trying to get laid), and some aren’t any fault of the athlete (Carlos Boozer), but they all now have a place in internet history. I’ve decided to try and chronicle some of the most stand out moments from NBA players past and present.

Way back in 2006, Prince was leasing a 10 bedroom, 11 bathroom house from Carlos Boozer for $70,000 a month. That was a weird sentence to write. Anyways, apparently Prince didn’t like Boozer’s taste in decor so he decided to make some slight alterations. According to the article, he made the following changes without Boozer’s knowledge:

Painted the outside of the house with purple striping, Prince’s symbol , and the numbers 3121 (his upcoming album title)

Installed purple monogrammed carpet in the master bedroom

Installed purple plumbing and piping to the downstairs bedroom ‘for water transfer for beauty salon chairs.’

Lots of other purple shit probably

As part of a promotion, Prince is expected to hold a private concert at the Hollywood property–which recently was listed for sale at $11.9 million–for album purchasers who find a Wonkaesque ‘purple ticket’ inside their CD cases.

“No way bro, the best concert I’ve ever seen was a very intimate Prince show at a house that Carlos Boozer owned in Hollywood while getting my hair done in a purple salon chair because I found a winning purple ticket in his album sleeve.” How much do you wish you could say that?

The best and funniest off court story of the current year involves Knicks shooting guard J.R. Smith, Twitter, a young woman, and pipes.

Smith was contacted by a young lady via Twitter direct message that went down like this:

Dope. This soon got leaked out onto the internet. The young lady, who was obviously trying to get the pipe (a euphemism for vaginal intercourse), turned out to be a little too young for him. Upon finding out this information, J.R. sent out this brilliant tweet hashtagged “#YouTryinToGetThePipe” containing the Instagram picture above of a bunch of tobacco pipes. 26 minutes later he Instagrammed this image hashtagged “#Truu”:

Again, brilliant.

This NY Daily News article has a bunch of nasty pictures of the event that took place. I guess Chris Brown and Drake got in a fight over Rhianna? I honestly don’t care enough about any of that shit to read the actual article. The only thing I care about is Tony Parker’s poor left eye :(.

The three-time NBA champion said he got some shards of glass in his left eye during the incident on Wednesday. “I was there with a bunch of friends when a fight broke out. They started to throw bottles about … I got it all,” Parker told a news conference. “The cornea has been touched. I can’t do anything for seven days … But I was lucky. The injury won’t prevent me from competing the Olympics in any way,” he added.

Parker could have easily lost vision in that eye and it also could have been a major threat to his career. Not cool, rapper bros.

The Birdman is probably most famous for this incredibly botched dunk contest in which he attempted the same dunk ~70 times without making it. He is also infamous for getting booted out of the NBA for two years for violating the league’s drug policy. The league didn’t say exactly which drug, but it probably isn’t the one you’re thinking of.

For a guy to get that kind of ban, according to the NBA’s collective bargaining agreement, he has to test positive four times for steroids, or one time for what the NBA considers a “drug of abuse.” Those include methamphetamine, cocaine, LSD, heroin, codeine, morphine, and PCP. I tend to doubt that The Birdman has tested positive for steroids four times.

I would assume it was cocaine, the drug that took the life of Len Bias, but with the Birdman you can never really be 100% sure. Does this person look like someone who has dabbled in a little meth, PCP, codeine or Heroin? Yes.

Do the colorful throat tattoos of this person suggest he might have ingested LSD a few times? Yes.

See? Not so simple.

I don’t think too many people have forgotten about this one.

The Kobe Bryant sexual assault case began in July 2003 when the news media reported that the sheriff’s office in Eagle, Colorado had arrested NBA superstar Kobe Bryant in connection with an investigation of a sexual assault complaint filed by a 19-year-old hotel employee. Bryant had checked into The Lodge and Spa at Cordillera, a hotel in Edwards, Colorado, on June 30 in advance of having surgery near there on July 2 under Dr. Richard Steadman. The woman accused Bryant of raping her in his hotel room on July 1, the night before the surgery. Bryant admitted to an adulterous sexual encounter with his accuser, but denied the assault allegation. The case was dropped after Bryant’s accuser refused to testify in the case. A separate civil suit was later filed against Bryant by the woman. This was settled out of court and included Bryant’s publicly apologizing to his accuser, though admitting no guilt on his part.

Kobe dealt with all of his hearings during the season and was frequently flying back and forth trying to be on time for his games. This was also the year where the Lakers signed future hall of famers Karl Malone (40) and Gary Payton (35) to try and make a championship run. They ended up losing in the Finals to the Pistons 4-1, thus ending the Shaq and Kobe era for the Lakers. The entire season ended up being the subject of Phil Jackson’s fantastic book The Last Season: A Team in Search of its Soul.

Delonte West is a tragic NBA figure. He suffers from bipolar disorder and is often labeled a “head case” by many fans.

This label fully stuck after the September 2009 incident where he was pulled over on his three-wheel Can-Am Spyder carrying three loaded weapons. The weapons in question were “a Beretta 9mm in West’s waistband, a Ruger .357 magnum strapped to his leg and a shotgun in a guitar case slung over his back.”

West eventually pleaded guilty to the charges and was then suspended 10 games by the NBA. He later went on to open up to Slam Online about the night he was arrested.

Tucked away in his fully finished basement, West’s studio is his sanctuary. Off limits to children, the sparsely furnished wood paneled room is his home within his home. All of that’s why he thought it was the perfect stash spot. Everything was fine—the guns remained safely hidden—until, on the night of September 17, feeling unusually tired, West went to his bedroom pretty early, took his nightly dose of Seroquel (a drug that treats bipolar disorder) and got in bed. Shortly after falling asleep, he was startled awake by shouting. “Ma Dukes came running upstairs into my room, cursing me, saying she wanted all these MFers out of my house,” recalls West. “I came to like, What’s going on? I was already on my Seroquel trip. A few of my cats had found some stuff in the studio and they were living the whole gangsta life thing—guns in the air and this and that,” continues West. “And I said, ‘Oh my God. What the fuck are y’all doin’ in here? Y’all got to go. Momma ain’t on that. Kids are running around upstairs. It’s time to go.’” Gassed up from the commotion, West decided it would be prudent for him to relocate the guns to an empty house he owned nearby. So, with his other vehicles blocked in by guests’ cars, and expecting it to be a short trip, he haphazardly loaded up his Can-Am and placed the weapons in a Velcro-type of bag—“not a desperado, hardcase, gun-shooting-out-the-side type case”—and set off. “I’m on the Beltway, cruisin’,” West says, voice high, emotional and inimitable. “Soon I start realizing I’m dozing in and out. I open my eyes and I went from this lane to that. I’m swervin’, and by the time I wake up, I’m about three exits past my exit. “There’s this truck flying beside me—” West pauses; this next part is crucial—“and I’m scared to death. So I seen an officer coming up and I try to flag him down. I pull up next to him. He slows down and I get up in front of him. I tell the officer I’m not functioning well and I’m transporting weapons… The rest of the story is what it is.

“I’m not proud of it,” concludes West, “but it looks way worse than it was.”

Delonte actually seems like a pretty chill bro after reading that entire interview.

Just a classic case of an NBA fan being star struck.

While stopped in his car in Manayunk on Christmas Eve, Williams was approached by a man with a gun. The situation was deflated when the gunman recognized Williams and commended him for his work in the community. Williams said he treated the man to a meal at a local fast-food restaurant by giving him some money. “A guy tried to rob me but decided not to because of whatever I do in the community,” said Williams before the game last night. “He’s a Lou Williams fan so he didn’t rob me.” Williams said he was driving in his car when the man approached, knocked on the driver’s window and had a gun drawn. “There’s crime everywhere,” said Williams. “I was debating whether to pull off or help the guy. The gun was already out. He did all the talking and we came up with a solution before I could really say much. I treated him to McDonald’s.”

Gilbert Arenas aka Hibachi aka Agent Zero was a superstitious goofball during his tenure in the league. This goofball even kept guns in the locker room! Hilarious!

Apparently he owed some money to teammate Javaris Crittenton and Javaris inquired about it one day. Well them is fightin’ words according to Gilbert.

The duel in DC — unprecedented in sports history — was sparked when Crittenton became enraged at the veteran guard for refusing to make good on a gambling debt, a source said. “I’m not your punk!” Crittenton shouted at Arenas, according to a league source close to the Wizards. That prompted Arenas to draw on Crittenton, who then also grabbed for a gun, league security sources said.

I like to imagine the exchange went something like this:

Javaris: “Excuse me…Mr. Gilbert?”

Hibachi: “Fuck you want lil’ nigga? Can’t you see grownups is talkin’?”

Javaris: “I was just maybe wondering if…uh…I was just wondering if you maybe had that couple thousand dollars you owed me from the card game the other night?”

Habachi: “GILBERT ARENAS AIN’T NO PUNK BITCH!” *pulls out Yosemite Sam style revolver and pops a couple in the air while making intimidating, Samuel L. Jackson eyes at him*

But seriously, with all jokes about threatening people with a weapon that could end their life aside, this was a pretty dumb thing to do.

During one of the very next games, he was surrounded by teammates and made his fingers into guns, as shown in the picture above. He pretended to shoot them with a big smile on his face.

David Stern did not see the humor in this and Arenas was immediately suspended from the league indefinitely. That indefinite suspension eventually turned into a suspension that lasted for the rest of the year (50 games). Javaris Crittenton got a 38 game suspension.

Back in 1997 Charles Barkley was still in very good physical shape. So much so that he lifted another full grown man up and tossed him through a window.

Charles Barkley was arrested early Sunday for hurling a bar patron through a plate-glass window after the man tossed a glass of ice at him. Police said the Houston Rockets star told the victim as he lay bleeding on the ground: “You got what you deserve. You don’t respect me. I hope you’re hurt.” … “I’m going to defend myself … at all times. I’ve made that clear in my years in the NBA,” Barkley said Sunday afternoon. “If you bother me, I’m going to whup you.” … “He lifted that kid up and flung him like he was a toy and threw him into the window. He broke the whole glass,” said Jerry Colon, a witness. … According to the police report, an officer on the scene separated Barkley from Lugo but Barkley went back and said, “For all I care, you can lay there and die.”

Great visuals going on here. This wasn’t the last time he would be arrested. Oh, Chuck. Classic you.

This story is weird and crazy and sad and I really don’t have much of anything to add. Take it away, Wikipedia:

In July 2002, Dele and his girlfriend, Serena Karlan, sailed on the South Pacific Ocean along with skipper Bertrand Saldo on Dele’s catamaran, the Hakuna Matata. Dele’s brother, Miles Dabord (born Kevin Williams), was the only person involved in the voyage who was seen or heard from after July 8, when the party was in Tahiti. Dele and Karlan had previously kept regular contact with their banks and family members. On July 20, Dabord was by himself when he brought the boat into Tahiti.[4] On September 5, police used a sting operation organized by Dele’s family and friends to detain Dabord in Phoenix, Arizona. Dabord had forged his brother’s signature in order to buy US$152,000 worth of gold under his brother’s name. He had used Dele’s passport as identification.[5] Mexican police later found that Dabord had been staying at a hotel in Tijuana,Mexico. Two days before, the Hakuna Matata, which had been registered in Tahiti under another name, was found off the coast of Tahiti with its name plate removed and some possible bullet holes patched. About the same time, Dabord phoned his and Dele’s mother, Patricia Phillips, telling her that he would never hurt his brother and that he could not survive in prison.[6] The FBI became involved in the investigation along with the French authorities and concluded that Dele, Karlan and Saldo were probably killed, and then thrown overboard, by Dabord. Given that the bodies were likely dumped in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it would be highly unlikely that the three would ever be found.[5] Dabord, the only major source of information regarding the case, intentionally overdosed on insulin and slipped into a coma. On September 27, 2002, he died in a California hospital. After Dabord’s suicide, officials did not expect to find much more regarding the case. A memorial service was then held for both Dabord and Dele. Dabord and Dele were frequently at odds with each other. After Dabord’s death, his lawyer and lifelong best friend, Paul White, was questioned regarding his client but gave little information about what happened. Dabord had said that he knew for sure that Dele and Karlan were in French Polynesia, but not much more other than that he was trying to help Dele.[5]

Yikes.

In 2001 an Atlanta strip club was “charged in a sweeping federal racketeering indictment with facilitating prostitution, extortion, money laundering, credit card fraud, bribing Atlanta police and skimming cash to pay protection money to the Gambino organized crime family.”

Patrick Ewing had visited this club at least 10 times. Being a man who likes the company of women, he engaged in some sexual acts. He then had to testify to those acts.

“The girls danced and started fondling me. I got aroused. … They performed oral sex,” Ewing testified.

Also, very proportional.

Eddy Curry is a 7 foot tall, 295 pound human. Try to picture this man sitting naked in the back of a limo and (allegedly) insisting that you should touch his penis. Yeah.

Stunning court papers charge that Curry, a married father of several kids, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky “in the nude,” saying, “Look at me, Dave, look” and, “Come and touch it, Dave.” Curry, 26, also made Kuchinsky perform “humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [into which Curry had ejaculated] so that his wife would not see them,” the Manhattan federal court suit says. Kuchinsky, 36, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racism, saying Curry hurled slurs at him, including “f- – – ing Jew,” “cracker,” “white slave,” “white devil” and “grandmaster of the KKK.”

So he goes from “Please suck my dick” to “Whatever, I’m just going to jerk off into this towel. Dispose of it for me” to “Fuck you, Grandmaster of the KKK”? That is quite the swing of moods.

Ron Artest Does A Bunch Of Things, Probably Deserves His Own Post