Point: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions?

By Doug Morris


Well, well, well. Look who decided to come out of their safe space to oppress another honest American. What’s wrong, have I somehow “offended” you? Am I in “trouble?” Well, tough shit, buddy. ’Cause I’ll come right out and say it: Nothing will ever stop me from speaking my mind. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

Are the PC police here to arrest me for having opinions?

Ugh, you people are a disgrace. I remember a time not too long ago when you could open your mouth without the whole goddamn country losing its mind. I mean, what is this—America, or East Germany? You gonna kick down my door and drag me away in handcuffs just because I’m saying the truth?


That’s right, snowflake. Run along now. You can’t force me to agree with you just because your narrative falls in line with the mainstream media’s. Go ahead, live inside your little echo chamber. You may be able to cow others into silence with your ivory tower crap, but you can’t scare me.

I come from the real America, and I will not abide while your kind tries to take away my voice.


Because, you see, in this great nation, we have something called the First Amendment. Let me break it down for you. Everyone has the right to free speech. So if you’re going to make it some big taboo to have independent thoughts, then you might as well call up the entire armed forces and let them know they should pack it in. Otherwise, what’s the point of even having a military?

I’ll bet if you could have it your way, we’d all be living in some sort of propaganda groupthink police state. Yeah, you’d probably love it if I just sat down, shut up, and mindlessly accepted everything you said. Well, too friggin’ bad. Last time I checked, this is a free country and I can say whatever I want, no matter how “problematic” it is for you.


If that’s a crime, then you can lock me up.

Counterpoint: Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide

By Officer James Parker


Sir, sir, please, just relax. We are the regular police. This is an indoor jungle gym, and I’m going to need you to come out from the slide immediately.

We’ve received multiple reports of a middle-aged man loitering around the premises and physically and verbally intimidating the clientele. Several guests fled with their children, and I have a manager over here with a welt on her face saying that you whipped balls from the ball pit at her. So, sir, for the last time, you need to cool off, stop shouting, and climb down here so we can escort you outside in an orderly manner.


No—stop—don’t wriggle your way back up the slide. We’re not here to “silence” you; we’re simply here to keep everyone safe. Please keep your hands where we can see them and calmly exit the play structure.

Yes, this is America, but you are on private property, and this business is fully within its rights to ask you to leave. We’ll be happy to speak to you one-on-one as soon as you climb down from there. If you’d like to call a lawyer, that’s your right as well. Please, sir. Stop screaming and put your pants back on.


This has nothing to do with the First Amendment. We’re not trying to “strip you of your constitutional rights.” The sign clearly limits entry to guests under the age of 12, let alone a fully grown man guarding the entrance to the tube slide while screaming and cursing at the top of his lungs.

Sir, this is for your own good. You’ve clearly cut your hand by banging on the little plexiglass window. This is a now health hazard, too. We need to take you somewhere you can receive medical attention.


Sir, are you urinating right now? Please stop. We’ll take you to a restroom.

We understand you’re upset, but no one is trying to muzzle you or encroach on your freedoms. You’re absolutely free to express anything that’s on your mind—anything at all—but let’s do it at the station after you’ve had a chance to settle down.


Okay, now you’re resisting arrest. If you don’t calm down, we’re going to do this our way. Consider this your final warning.