10.





Oh, Robert! Your tawdry escapades will certainly go down in the ribaldry hall of fame!

I don’t even know what sort of clothing Suprema (yep) Is meant to be pulling off/removing here. Perhaps she is merely pulling taffy while wearing her skirt. That’s probably it.

If I were Suprema, I would never stop screaming I would probably get my front-spine checked out, as well as my broken clavicle and my extremely narrow set of abs between two of my larger sets of abs. Because that is probably a hernia.

9.







Captain America's shield is lens flaring IN THE RAIN AT NIGHT.





I have no idea why Liefeld gave Captain America such a Ren & Stimpy ass, but there you go. And I'm pretty sure that drawing of Cap started out as Cap from the front. You can't even tell, can you? Liefeld torsos look like Liefeld backs and vice versa. You also can't tell the difference between kneecaps and the backs of people's heads when he draws them.





This is just awful. Crossbones is at least 12 feet tall and has a skull-themed pouchbelt (where he keeps his crossed bones) around his waist and another around his thigh, and he's wearing WHITE DINNER GLOVES. What is it with Liefeld and white gloves? Every six years he learns to draw a new thing and puts it in everything. Learned how to draw white gloves? Cable suddenly has white gloves! Learned how to add lens flares on the computer? Cover Cable in flares! Learned how to draw a woman from the neck down?





lol no

8.





Here is a brilliant, BRILLIANT (read: catastrophically horrible) example of "Liefeld likes to draw shit out of order." In the original pencil drawing for this cover, do you imagine Warchild was ever meant to be holding a sword? Or that sword, at any rate?

Extend index and middle finger of right hand. Bend slightly at first knuckle Clench fingers and thumb of left hand together like you’re making a chicken’s head with your hand Press right and left hand together NOW HOLD A FUCKING SEVEN-FOOT SWORD

Once again, the blade of the sword doesn’t even come close to meeting up with the handle of the sword, but I guess when you’re adding it all in after the fact, it doesn’t matter. Oh…oh no. He…he was holding his wang in the first draft, wasn’t he? Just pointing his peener right at the audience.

Also what is going on with the blood in that guy’s mouth in the background? Does blood form in a web and I just never knew that before? Holy shit, I can’t believe Rob Liefeld never "invented" an "edgy" version of Spider-Man called "BLOODWEB." He could have a shitty haircut and pouches, or something. Maybe have a couple of swords on his back and carry a gun that looks like a hair drier. I dunno, I’m just spitballing here, Rob. You’re the professional.

7.





I WILL FLEX SO HARD I WILL BEND THIS SWORD

AND ALSO CLENCH MY FIST IN SUCH A WAY AS TO HAVE THE SWORD HANDLE COME OUT OF SOME INDETERMINATE POINT SOMEWHERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT.

Let’s not deal with the angle of the sword and the angle of the reflection and exactly what course Cannonball is taking towards Shatterstar and/or his sword. It would take too long and be too big of a headache and nobody cares (least of all, Rob Liefeld), so let’s just agree "lol" and move along to the next talking point.

Rob Liefeld will just keep adding lines to shit. Just keep adding lines and keep adding lines and won’t stop until his pen runs dry or his assistant comes by and wrestles Rob’s arm free of the drawing board. No person exists with that amount of striation in their muscles. No one. Look at how many side-abs he gave Shatterstar. It’s like a bowl of peanut M&Ms.

Let’s take just a moment to talk about composition for a moment. At first glance, you think, hey! The sword comes to the foreground and gives space to the character in the reflection. The negative space suggests the offscreen character. But no. It doesn’t. Liefeld just found a way to draw less. "Hey! If I move him over HERE, I only have to draw one arm and just part of one thigh! I don’t even have to draw a second hand! Second hands are tricky, because the thumb is on the other side on the second one. No one will even notice that he’s just sort of awkwardly standing there with his sword held over his ding-dong area and flexing the shit out of every muscle. It’s the perfect crime!"

6.





"Hi, my name is Rob Liefeld. For Halloween, I'm dressing up as Jae Lee."





Bill referred to this one as Rob "trying to Silvestri it up", and I think the lesson we learn is that when Liefeld deviates from his natural style of guns and pouches and guys with no feet gritting their teeth, the only thing he can draw are the dogs from Ghostbusters.





You'd think he would've at least put Shadowhawk on a black background, but I guess that ruins the shitty comic book Terry Richardson thing he's going for. Notice how much longer Shadowhawks legs are than his arms. If dude stood up he'd be a Tyrannosaurus. This is also another concerning example of Liefeld not knowing that the two halves of the butt are supposed to work together to make one thing, and aren't just pecs at the end of the legs.





5.





Modern-day Liefeld occasionally goes for what he feels is a more photorealistic approach. Except that his version of "photorealistic" usually translates to "crinkle-faced, horse-skulled pig-snoutery."

The guy on the right is Sam Guthrie, AKA Cannonball, who is supposed to be anywhere between 17 and 25, depending on who is editing the comic. The guy on the left, I don’t know, so we’ll just call him Soul Patch Jones. I don’t know how old Soul Patch Jones is supposed to be, but I’m going to guess significantly older than Sam. Because he’s tanner. There’s literally no way to tell any sort of age difference between these characters. They look like they’re both 80. Cannonball looks like Morgan Fairchild looked into the Ark of the Covenant.

This is Liefeld’s idea of an ideal face, everyone. A jawline you can slice roast beef on and eight-inch cheekbones. Skin like onion paper that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer. A philtrum you can store a cashew in and lips the texture of Red Vines. And of course, floppy bangs.

4.





Yeah, Shrink is like finding out Bil Keane has died and put Joseph Kony in charge of the Family Circus. They're so bad I can't believe they're real. Unless Rob Liefeld is secretly my 75-year old grandfather or Tom Green there's no explanation for him drawing a melting snowman with the caption "be cool, snowman, chill out" under it. No fucking explanation. There's also no explanation for the amount of hack laziness necessary to draw something that big and still put scribbles on the diploma. I guess I should be congratulating him for not putting the snowman against a white background.





I think graphically-drawn dickholes with Ziggy punchlines is objectively the worst comic strip you could create. Joking or not, Rob Liefeld has given a terrible thing to the world and should be punished for it.





This shit wouldn't even fly in Highlights For Children. Gallant would take one look at this garbage and throw it in the toilet. Goofus would probably publish it and call it "awesome comics".





3.





This is the prototype of "that" Captain America drawing, and I honestly can’t decide if this is worse, or better. What sort of reference guide so you suppose Liefeld looks at for drawing musculature and anatomy? Ha! I’m kidding, of course.

"Hey dudes, how many abs are on a guy? Like a million? Shit, wait, what do abs look like? They’re like those small, edamame-looking things, right? I’ll just stick those in there. Nice. Hey, how do veins work? They’re all criss-crossy, right? Heh, what am I talking about? They gotta transport blood everywhere, right? So they probably just intersect and overlap all over the place. Easy as cake. Hey, come over here. How does a shirt look where the arm meets the chest? What’s that? ‘Like a cat’s asshole’? Hey, makes sense to me! Crud, I’m getting kinda close to the deadline here. Knew I shouldn’t have waited until the day before "YOUNGBLOOD: STRIKEFILE" #5 went to the printers. Well, I’ll just sort of fade ‘im on out down at the bottom here with some crosshatching. Whoops, no time to cross; just "hatching" it is, then. No one looks at the bottom of drawings, right? Thought so."

2.





i can't with this





In the first panel, Wolverine looks like he was drawn by Kate Beaton as a joke. I've already typed "lens flares" so much in this post I want to literally vomit, and I can't even begin to explain away the "it's small so I'll half-ass it" qualities of the bottom two panels. Liefeld has no idea how action works. There's no flow or motion to anything he draws. He's just drawing one of the ten poses he knows, coloring in a background (or not) and sending it to press.





I guess the problem with Liefeld's legs is that he is compelled by Christ (or whoever) to draw them HYPER MUSCULAR, so they don't look normal standing or jumping or walking and he's got to find ways for characters to stand with one leg straight and one out or have them jump and bend their knees and jam their heels into their crotches or hide the legs completely. And then Cannonball shows up, and he doesn't have legs! PAGE DONE.





1.

Hoo boy. This is it. This is the mother lode. The perfect storm of every Rob Liefeld criticism all sitting there in a jumble of tumorous musculature. You've got the tiny feet, the hidden feet, the people balancing on their tiptoes because drawing is hard, the awkward "chest-and-ass thrust out as hard as possible in opposite directions at all times" poses, the inconsistent perspective and sizing where everyone is either twenty feet tall or five feet tall or the entirety of reality is in flux oh my god what is happening I can't feel my face.

The real crux of this piece, of course, is "Troll." Liefeld took Wolverine's head and slapped it on Puck's body and then gave him hooves and filled him full of horse steroids and gave him a uniform that bunches up like crazy around his dick for some reason. Troll is supposed to be holding a helmet under his arm in the first panel, but the only reason you know that is because I just told you. If I hadn't told you that, you would assume the gold area under his arm is just part of his costume and that his arm terminates suddenly in a near-90-degree angle. I know I'm weird, but when I have one arm bent in toward my body and the other arm hanging by my side, they're not the same length.

See the lady standing on tiptoe for no reason? Her name is Psilence. PSILENCE. No further comment is needed. PSILENCE.

Please take a moment to enlarge this so you can check out Shaft (guy in background, in red, to the left of PSILENCE). His top half and bottom half are stuck together at opposing angles. Check out how his legs sort of trail nebulously off behind the foreground bench. And where Liefeld couldn't avoid it: one tiny foot.

The only things keeping this from being the perfect Liefeld drawing are 1. woeful lack of pouches and 2. only six of the nine characters shown have shit strapped to their backs.



