WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able to find dad way deep in here!” said Donald Trump Jr., who stapled a note with the message “definitely no president inside” to blankets as an extra security precaution while Eric Trump punched air holes through the pillows with a pair of scissors. “Stay right there, dad, and don’t move till 2050. We read through the whole constant tuition [sic] and it says those guys can’t impeach you if they can’t find you. Here are two pieces of bread for dinners, and a straw you can use as a snorkel. Close your eyes real tight and you’ll be totally invisible. Okay, see you later. We’re gonna glue the bunker door shut.” At press time, the Trump boys were panicking after realizing they’d lost their father.

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