Readers of my previous column (hello Mum) will know I recently invented a thing called “curtain”. To simplify the message, it’s about how companies need to keep their noses out of my business, and get their thieving hands off my data. It’s my data. It belongs to me.

Whoever you are: you have no right to collect or sell my data without my express permission. You have no right to trade it to some catalogue shop-owning sh*t who’ll use it to leach cash out of the elderly. You have no right to use my data so that my mobile, my laptop, my desktop and my tablet become your very own little advertising hoarding.

FYI (whoever you are) “my” is the possessive singular. I use it when I want to say that something belongs to me. And when something belongs to me, I decide whether someone else can have it. Sorry. I forgot. I ticked the T&Cs. Silly me to tick something because it was the only way I could access some essential service that I have to have to run my life.

Are those T&Cs legal? Of course not. I’m now mobilising the world’s 2.94 billion internet users to mount a class action against every company on earth so that we can curtail this abuse. (The legal challenge is watertight: buying, selling and exploiting people’s data without their knowledge clearly contravenes Article 8 of the Human Rights Act). Sidebar: when I say “now” I mean “tomorrow”. I’m a bit busy this evening. And when I say “mobilising” it’d be more accurate to say I’m writing this post.

As an interim measure, I have drawn up a plan. It’s initially directed at Google (“Do no evil”: yeah, right. You can still “do pretty nasty stuff” which isn’t technically evil. Neat loophole). Now Google has grown very rich trading on data. It turns data into cash. Data (accurate data) is its currency. So the plan (I’ve not quite worked out all the details, but let’s face it, they’re just that: details) is to devalue Google’s currency (data) so it’s worth nothing.

Let’s say you have accurate data on 1m people (their interests, habits, income and behaviour). Now, let’s add in inaccurate data on 19m people who don’t exist. That’s data on 20m people. But only one twentieth of that data relates to genuine human beings (sorry, units of retail consumption). Which is which? How do you tell the difference? And if you can’t tell the difference, what use is any of it? Who’d buy data if there was a 95% chance it related to thin air?

So now we come to “Google Scramble”. This is a programme which I have invented which quietly runs in the background on your computer whilst you’re on the web. As you leave an Abominable Snowman-sized internet footprint for marketers to follow, you activate “Google Scramble” which spends its time surfing the internet, enquiring into a load of stuff utterly unrelated to you, using a range of random personae.

It could create a search pattern for a 46 year old party planner from Ilford who has a Nissan Micra with gearbox problems, a boyfriend who’s lying about an STI, a poorly performing fridge freezer and a weakness for Cheesy Wotsits. Simultaneously, it’s a 38 year old from Dundee who loves stationery products, and … well you get the picture.

If you opt for the “Pro” version you can create ten (minimum) tailored individuals that amuse you, and observe what they get up to. Ten fake people who don’t exist that you really know. Rather than 2,000 fake “friends” you don’t really know but who do exist. (Facebook).

If you’re prepared to shell out the full £19.99pm for the Pro++ version, you can produce individual users which exhibit such inconsistent and contradictory behaviours that they cause all those funny marketing algorithms to run back into their little algorithm houses where they have an algorithm breakdown and sit in the corner, crying.

So now we have a load of data which is a heap of worthless junk. I.E. the currency has collapsed, no one wants to trade it, and we all live happily ever after. Seems like a perfect plan to me. Obviously, there are a few flaws like … I have no idea what I’m talking about, technically. Never mind. At least I've registered the domain. www.googlescramble.com.

As a complete sideline and totally off-topic, I’m afraid I have something else to get off my chest. If I hear one more – yes one more – bunch of young-gun idiots in this industry say “we are passionate and disruptive”, they can expect me to visit their offices with a Kalashnikov. Then they’ll know what passionate and disruptive really is.