I always thought my awkward years would be in high school with the whole awkward teenager thing. My entire friend group started dating and a few of them started having sex. You know how much of a big deal that was back then. I always wanted someone to date but didn’t really know what I would do from there. Sex was never really a goal for me. But I wanted to fit in so I forced myself to try to think the way they did but at the end of the day I was still the same person.

College made socializing worse. My friends seemed to be fitting right in and I felt more alone than ever. But even more than that I felt like I didn’t know myself. Classic college woes I know. I saw a counselor and talked to my parents and eventually things started to turn around. I made some friends and became better friends with the ones I already had. But I still felt like something was missing. Things like how guys on my floor would be so excited to go out partying to hook up with strangers. It’s all they would talk about and I just didn’t see the appeal. But it wasn’t just the appeal in real life. I’d watch shows like Mad Men and Game of Thrones and not understand why sex was a rampant part of the show. It seemed like it ruled over some of the characters (both real and fictional) and I just couldn’t relate. I wasn’t a teenager anymore so what was going on?

Fast forward to my first year of graduate school. By this point I figure, it’s just the way I am and there’s no explaining it. But I’m a math guy, I always want answers to things I don’t know. And one day my answer came. While talking about these issues with a friend, she asked if I was asexual. Asexual? I had no idea what that meant, so I looked it up. Asexual means that you are aren’t sexually attracted to people or have little to no interest in having sex. It was me. It described me better than anything I had ever read before.

And it answered so many questions! It was literally just who I am but now I knew! I never thought that just a word, a label I could give myself could make me feel so much better about who I was. There was a community of people out there who were the same as me. Statistically, I’ll never meet them but it doesn’t matter. I am not alone.

I am not alone.

I need to say it again. I am not alone! It’s too easy to fall into the trap of trying to fit in and just be “one of the guys”. Whenever that happens I just feel like I’m acting and not being myself. But there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m going to not understand things and it’s going to be awkward and there’s nothing wrong with that. Despite what my worries say, there are a lot of nice people out there who won’t think less of me for not being like them. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s time I stop saying it and start believing it.

My name is Michael and I am an asexual man.