Chapter Text

Off in another session, a girl bounces around a bank of machines she has set up outside of her tower. Although most lie abandoned and unnecessary, she still has a small hoard of consorts about to keep the remaining systems running. Instructions are being passed along, when a beeping calls her back to the computer terminal at the center of it all. After a brief glance at the screen, she begins typing.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: yo jade you there

GG: hey dave!!!

GG: i was just finishing up our response to the trolls.

GG: whats up with you?

TG: oh nothing much

TG: just surfing on the waves of time

TG: planting confusing clues for archeologists

TG: robbing spaceships

TG: teaching mayans how to rap

GG: soooooo cooool.

TG: yknow time stuff

GG: have you really done all that?

TG: nah

TG: turntables wont let me go back more than like a day

TG: but i can dream cant i

GG: sure dave.

GG: just get a better time machine and we can beat up morlocks together.

TG: sure no problem

TG: i actually wanted to talk to you about your little transmitter there

GG: oh? you have something to say to the trolls?

GG: weve got plenty of space now.

GG: oh! you want to reply to those troll raps!

TG: well that too

TG: but i had a more important idea

TG: i mean if it were possible to be more important than rap battles

TG: which of course it isnt

TG: i mean obviously the final boss of this game is a high stakes rap off against one of the trolls

TG: gotta out rhyme the fucker before he tries to spray your blood all over the walls

GG: you can do it dave!

TG: adoring fans raining down all around

GG: raining fans?

TG: yeah that might have gotten away from me a bit

GG: but you had something important?

TG: oh right

TG: i know you like your little blue dudes over there

TG: especially now that a bunch of them have been brutally laid off

TG: but i think ive figured out how to give the rest of them pink slips

GG: oh?

TG: i mean like could save you whole barrels on boonbucks

TG: or like you could just repurpose them towards actually trying to sort through that fucking tome of horrors that the trolls sent us

TG: i mean id ask rose to take a look at it

TG: but their general ramblings and misuse of the english language might cause her to explode

TG: black ink and yarn flying everywhere

TG: like some kinda cotton squid making a mess all over the walls

TG: so yeah uh

TG: maybe ill not do that

GG: but you had some idea though.

TG: right

TG: time travel

TG: its a thing that exists here

TG: i should know being the one that does it

TG: so i back in the future i looked up the next message that you sent them

TG: and made note of its code

TG: but like youve gotta promise not the alchemize this shit

TG: because that sorta time paradox shit can mess up all kinds of stuff

TG: ive not enough dead daves as it is

GG: youre going to DIE?!?!?!? :O

TG: shit no dont worry jade its not like that

TG: i mean i dont think so

TG: shit

TG: well its kinda like that but not really

TG: ill be ok

TG: just dont fucking alchemize it

TG: just include the code in the message so that the trolls can find the next message without having to fucking search for it

TG: you only need to make the one copy

GG: oh hmm...

GG: that might work :)

GG: oh oh!

GG: dont tell me the code.

GG: just encrypt it using the trolls next message. that way they cant use it to look ahead either.

TG: oh sure

TG: let me just plug it into my cryptobox

TG: by which i mean went back to the future and ask you to do it for me

TG: c92h!RpL

TG: just tell them that and how to decrypt and you should be good to go

TG: no more need to make a hundred bajillion copies of everything

GG: dave. it doesnt take that many.

TG: oh are you an expert on how big a bajillion is now

GG: what? no of course not.

TG: then how do you know its not a hundred of them huh

GG: but a bajillion is supposed to be huge!!!

TG: just shut up and thank me ok

GG: sure! thanks dave :D

TG: heh all i needed

TG: later jade







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The next hour is a flurry of activity for Jade. The troll’s reply includes the encrypted code for their next message, and other than the occasional check with Dave to find the next round of their own codes, Jade is able to run the communications with the other session more or less on her own.

That is not to say that she is working alone, as she is in near constant contact with her other teammates, passing on information from the other session, and listening to their queries in return. A strange message asks for more information about human computer systems. No explanation is given for the request, but Jade manages to pester John for the codes for some of his programming books to pass along. Becsprite pesters her about working with the frogs, but her attention is too wrapped up in keeping the channel open. Until a message from the other side once again changes the way things are done.

It is short compared to the texts she has lately been receiving. She quickly alchemizes the page and reads it over.

“2o thii2 whole 2y2tem ii2 2tiill pretty 2low and tiime con2umiing. but iive fiigured out how 2 automate iit. ju2t alchemiize ComRelay and 2end u2 the code on the front panel. ba2iically iit doe2 what we were doiing but much fa2ster. iit connect2 to your computer network and record2 any packet2 2ent 2 iit. 2 tiime2 a 2econd iit 2ends the data chiip back iin tiime and record2 the code on the previious one. the fiir2t code iis the one iit tell2 you 2 2end 2 u2. from that the machiine iin our uniiver2e can alechmiize each chiip iin order, ju2t liike your2 wiill do wiith our chiip2. the packet2 encoded iin the chiip2 are then broadca2t over the other network. up 2 the 1/2 2econd delay, iit 2hould be ju2t a2 good a2 beiing on the 2ame network, ju2t plug iin your chat cliient and go.

or for any moron2 over there who cant be bothered wiith the above, ju2t make the thiing and 2end u2 the code and the machiine wiill magiically let u2 talk over the network liike normal people.”





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CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [ CCG] RIGHT NOW opened a new memo on board WELCOME HUMAN INTERLOPERS.

CURRENT adiosToreador [ CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CAT: sO, UM, ARE THE HUMANS CONNECTED NOW?

CCG: YES. I SENT THEM AN INVITATION. THEY SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE ONCE THEY MANAGE TO STOP ACTING LIKE COMPLETE MORONS AND GET THEIR ACT TOGETHER.

CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CCC: I AM SO -EXCIT-ED!!!

CURRENT ghostlyTrickster [ CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CGT: hello world!!!

CCG: WORLD? ARE YOU SPONGECLOTS CLOGGED OR SOMETHING? THIS ROCK COULD ONLY BE CONSIDERED A WORLD BY AN INTERPRETATION SO OBSCENELY GENEROUS THAT VIEWING IT WOULD BE BANNED FOR WIGGLERS UNDER 9 SWEEPS.

CURRENT twinArmageddons [ CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CTA: chiill kk. iit2 ju2t the thiing human wiigler2 make theiir computer2 2ay.

CCG: WHAT? DID HE JUST SEND A BOT TO THIS MEETING?

CURRENT gardenGnostic [ CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CGG: no. johns just being a dork.

CGG: hi karkat :)

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [ CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CGC: N333RDS.

CGT: hey i’m not that bad!

CGC: YOU OP3N3D UP W1TH 4 COMPUT3R R3F3R3NC3

CGC: TH3 COURT RUL3S TH4T YOU 4R3 4 TOT4L N3RD

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [ CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CGA: Terezi Stop It We Do Not Need To Be Antagonizing Out New Allies

CGC: OH K4N4Y4 1 D1DNT R34L1Z3 YOU F3LT TH4T W4Y 4BOUT M3

CGA: What No It Is Not Like That

CGC: H4H4H4H4H4

CGT: huh? like that?

CCG: CAN YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP AND INTRODUCE YOURSELVES LIKE NORMAL SOPHANTS.

CCG: I MEAN ASSUMING THAT YOU CAN PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR COLLECTIVE ASSES FOR LONG ENOUGH FOR THE TERM TO EVEN APPLY TO YOU.

CCG: HI EVERYBODY, I’M KARKAT VANTAS. IT’S MY JOB TO ENSURE THAT THINGS ON THIS END RETAIN THE MODICUM OF FUNCTIONALITY THAT THEY NORMALLY DO.

CCG: SEE? THAT WASN’T SO HARD. I BET EVEN THE REST OF YOU NUMBSCULLS CAN FOLLOW. YOUR TURN.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [ CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CTG: yo im dave

CTG: i like insulting my friends and holding down the capslock key and basically being a jerk to everybody

CTG: wait no i dont that would be stupid

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [ CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CAG: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! They’ve got you pegged, Karkat!

CCG: SHUT UP VRISKA. YOU AREN’T HELPING HERE.

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [ CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.

CTT: Actually, I’m curious Karkat. Why do you feel the need to belittle your colleges?

CTT: I suppose that I may be missing some sort of cultural differences, but if a human were acting similarly, I would imagine that it was some kind of defense mechanism.

CTT: Would you say that you had a similarly combative relationship with your lusus?

CCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING AT? MY LUSUS WAS GREAT.

CTT: Hmmm... a but defensive are we?

CCG: NO! SHUT UP. GET BACK TO THE INTRODUCTIONS. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A NICE PRODUCTIVE INTRODUCTION.

CGC: NO K4RK4T 1 W4NT TO H34R TH1S

CTG: yo dude i think we left productivity in the dust ages ago

CTG: its going to need to hitchhike for like 10 miles just to catch up with us

CTG: and thats if it isnt picked up by some weird serial killer on the way

CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS FUCKING TYPICAL. I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO TRY TO ACTUALLY ASSEMBLE SOMETHING REMOTELY USEFUL AND WHAT DO I GET?

CCG: A BUNCH OF PANFRIED BOTTOMFEEDERS MAKING A MESS OF IT.

CCG: BUT WHATEVER, JUST KEEP MESSING WITH YOUR SPHERES WHILE THE IMPS EAT YOU FOR ALL I CARE.

CCG: I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

CCG banned CCG from replying to the memo.

Karkat stood up from his keyboard in frustration. This was not going at all as planned. Hopefully the communications with the aliens would eventually settle down, but he wasn’t going to touch it until it did.

Karkat left his block and began to wander the meteor. He found Sollux in the computeblock, hard at work at one of the terminals. Karkat wandered over to watch, but quickly found himself unable to follow what his friend was doing.

“So, did you manage to hack their systems like we discussed?”

“Only in the first two minutes”, his friend replied. “I’ve got visuals on all of them from their respective devices, and I’m working on getting access to the computers hooked in to Jade’s alchemiters. Just give the word, and we can give them a real mess to deal with.”