In today’s gossip roundup: Michael Bay ran off the stage at CES, Kaley Cuoco made a backstage wedding video, and Justin Bieber’s manager is engaged.

Oh dear. Michael Bay, the arthouse director of neo-New Wave films like Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon, was set to present a new Samsung television at CES (Consumer Electronics Show for you n00bs) in Las Vegas yesterday, but an incident occurred and he had to suddenly run off the stage. What happened is that terrorists stormed the convention center, forcing Bay to fight them off with a comely, be-Daisy Duked young lady by his side. There were explosions and slo-mo shots of American flags and fighter jets streaking across the sky and it was all very dramatic, electric guitar music blaring as Bay walked through the flames, a triumphant macho god. He’s a hero! Well, erm, no, actually, what happened is the teleprompter broke so Bay ran off the stage instead of ad-libbing. Yeah. Oops. Here. There’s video.

So… yikes. The mighty Michael Bay, felled by a broken teleprompter. To his credit, he did try to struggle along for a few noble seconds, but ultimately it was too much. “I’m sorry,” he said, as he quickly slinked off the stage, leaving Samsung exec Joe Stinziano flapping in the wind. Bay later took to his website to say that he “embarrassed” himself, and that “live shows aren’t my thing.” Which is fine, but what then are we to make of all the bluster in his films? The creator of such glossy American visions of male prowess and bravery can’t even ramble extemporaneously about some curved television (that’s what Samsung was selling, a massive curved television) for a few minutes? This is rather shocking! And dismaying, isn’t it? We’d expect this from lily-livered pansies like Steven Soderbergh or Spike Jonze, but Michael Bay?? The great bard of muscle and motor oil, the weaver of sleek pheromone fever dreams, the Michael Bay, can’t even hack it in front of a bunch of nerds without a teleprompter? It really rocks one’s understanding of the world to the very core, doesn’t it? What’s next, Martin Scorsese scared of a mouse, standing on a chair and shrieking as Fran Lebowitz whacks it with a skillet? Clint Eastwood jumping up and down saying “Ow! Ow! Ow!” and flapping his arms like a girl after getting a papercut? If Michael Bay, man incarnate, can be defeated by a broken teleprompter, I just don’t know where that leaves American maleness. I really don’t. Who will the Shia LaBeoufs of this world look up to? To whom will the Megan Foxes and Bar Palys and Rosie Huntington-Whiteleys flock like sexy moths? This may be not just the end of an era, but the death of a dream. There, running off a stage in Las Vegas. There goes America. There goes virility, shrinking into the shadows. The effeminization of this once gruff and proud nation may finally be complete. Thanks a lot, Steinem. We are now a country of she-cowards and gracefully curved televisions—the curve, of course, being a feminine shape. We are no better than France. No better, even, than France. [Page Six]

Speaking of somewhat unpleasant videos! Kaley Cuoco, the acclaimed third-lead of The Big Bang Theory, was, as we all know by now, married on New Year’s Eve to her husband @ryansweething . It was a lovely affair, with an upside down chandelier cake and lots of gaiety and frivolity throughout. And now those of us who weren’t invited get to experience some of the backstage magic, as it seems that Cuoco recorded a video of her preparations for the event, mostly getting her hair and makeup done, but also crying and gushing and gasping and shrieking about her big exciting day.

And, I dunno, of course it’s a happy occasion and however one wants to document one’s wedding is fine, that’s one’s choice to make, but something about how she says at the beginning of the video, “Hi, I’m Kaley Cuoco,” just makes it seem so oddly . . . impersonal? As if she’s hosting a show or something. And I guess in some ways she is, what is a wedding but a grand and elaborate show, but not really in the back-of-the-taxi LXTV First Look way that Cuoco sot of makes it seem here. Look, Kaley Cuoco is obviously doing plenty well for herself without the likes of me coming in and saying “Here’s what’s weird about this, Kaley,” but isn’t there something a little weird about this video? Just the tiniest bit? Something the teensiest bit synthetic about the whole thing? Maybe I’m some crazy cynic who sees cold glimmers of naked opportunism in everything I see, but I just wouldn’t be that surprised if I was on a plane in the next few months and Kaley Cuoco’s Wedding Spectacular was one of the in-flight viewing options. Like, way down past the second-run movies and episodes of Castle and whatnot. Y’know? I just wouldn’t be all that shocked. That’s all! Anyway, congrats, Kaley. It looks like everyone had a lovely time.