I’m no fan of Ted Cruz, but this is so, so unfair. He almost certainly has testicles. He has a daughter who finds him frightfully off-putting, after all:

They say blood is thicker than water, but Ted Cruz revulsion is universal.

So the #TedCruzHasNoBalls hashtag got started because Cruz attempted to make a joke, which is never a good idea for him:



x A fair point. Many liberal males never grow balls…. https://t.co/FhHmIPFUpJ— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) September 11, 2020

And then things just spiraled out of control.

Anyway, here are some examples of things you definitely should not be posting on Twitter, even though Cruz is now besties with the man who called his wife ugly and implied his father was behind the JFK assassination:

x Rafael Cruz is a cowardly, Canadian born Cuban immigrant who is trying to pass himself off as white good ole boy named Ted.

John Bohner knew him well! #TedCruzHasNoBalls bcs he uses Satans’! #LuciferInTheFlesh pic.twitter.com/3gxKZnC00u — JakeMusc96 (@Musc96) September 12, 2020

x Hey, @tedcruz. What's that about not having any balls???#TedCruzHasNoBalls pic.twitter.com/txwpyhQmVM

— Larry Tate (@LarryTateLate) September 12, 2020

x The look on @SenTedCruz face when he finds out he's trending…but with #TedCruzHasNoBalls hashtag pic.twitter.com/icz9fWayrP

— swader1 (@swader1) September 12, 2020

x Ted Cruz ?

This #TedCruz ? #TedCruzHasNoBalls pic.twitter.com/aBsVdwhxY1

— Marko Silberhand (@MarkoSilberhand) September 12, 2020

x Ted Cruz buried in jokes about his anatomy as #TedCruzHasNoBalls trends nationwide on Twitterhttps://t.co/uGpZycApYS

— 🇨🇦Golden Resister 🌊 (@rjcrock2003) September 12, 2020

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And, no, Ted Cruz is not the Zodiac Killer, either. The timeline is impossible. What, do you think Cruz bathes in the blood of abducted infants inside his vampire lair under Space Mountain Disneyland in order to remain youthful-looking because in reality he’s the ancient, primeval incarnation of pure, insensate evil?

I mean, ha. What? Seriously?

Okay, come to think of it, that theory actually checks out.

But he almost certainly has balls.

(By the way, “having balls” does not make you brave. Hillary Clinton, for example, has more courage than all the male Republican congresspeople put together. You might say she has real ovarian grit. Or something. The “no balls” shtick is just part of the vernacular. End disclaimer. Please don’t get testes with me.)

Good gourd, you won’t believe this. Two of Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s books are now available for $1.99 apiece! Lasso copies of Dear Fcking Moron: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 Letters to Donald Trump for this comically low price (tomorrow the price goes back to normal). And, as always, you can get your copy of Dear F*cking Lunatic and preorder the final installment, Goodbye, Asshat.