As you may have heard, a woman at Arizona’s Hacienda Healthcare facility gave birth last month. Under, uh, unusual circumstances.

The 29-year-old’s been a patient at the care center for almost her entire life. Oh, and she’s also been in a severely debilitated state for years.

So…

Somethin’ was afoot. Or, not a foot, but another part.

Naturally, an investigation ensued.

Well, Eureka:

A nurse for the Phoenix facility has been arrested, and it wasn’t for handing out illegal Cuban cigars.

Authorities announced Wednesday that 36-year-old Nathan Sutherland will be charged with one count of sexual assault and one count of vulnerable adult abuse.

How about one count of being a gigantic weirdo creep?

At a press conference, Police Chief Jeri Williams said the department had worked tirelessly to solve the case of the mysterious birth:

“From the minute we first became aware of the crime, we have virtually worked nonstop seven days a week to resolve this case.”

State records reveal Sutherland was born in Haiti and passed the National Council Licensure Examination for Practical Nurses in October 2011. His license — which allows him to practice in multiples states — expires in 2020.

Of course, occupational rape is grounds for dismissal, so he won’t be nursing much for quite a while.

Hacienda officials explained that Sutherland received an “extensive background check” before he was hired. The care facility released a statement:

“Every member of the Hacienda organization is troubled beyond words to think that a licensed practical nurse could be capable of seriously harming a patient. Once again, we offer an apology and send our deepest sympathies to the client and her family, to the community and to our agency partners at every level.”

Sutherland was booked Wednesday. His next court appearance is scheduled for January 30th.

According to Fox News, the victim/new mom has been incapacitated since the age of 3. NBC reports she is not — as some stories claimed — in a vegetative state, but rather, a “minimally conscious” state.

Staff didn’t know she was pregnant until she gave birth. Surprise!

Speaking of babies and birth, please — if you haven’t already — read about New York’s Tuesday monumental decision to allow abortion up until the moment of birth. Find the story here.

-Alex

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