'Sarah' found that sometimes psychological abuse is just as bad as physical

I met him through a job I had when I was 19. He was a manager there, and about twice my age. I noticed that he paid me a lot of attention. He helped me with my work a lot more than the other people that worked for him, and made big promises about my career and our future together. He would shower me with compliments, he was extremely romantic, and our friendship slowly turned into something more.

Even at first, there were little things that didn’t seem right. I noticed he didn’t like me talking to other men and he fell out with people very easily. If I had an issue with someone else, he would defend me aggressively and he was paranoid that people were out to get us. But I felt protected, and he blamed it on stress and alcohol, which he drank a lot of.

He used to say that I’d changed his life, and he’d never felt like this about anyone before. He was very attentive when I wasn’t well or was upset, so I just tried to ignore the worries I did have. He was keen to meet and impress my parents, who were naturally a little concerned given the age gap, but they were happy as long as I was.

At work, he started to ask me questions about sex which made me feel uncomfortable but flattered at the same time. Because he was my boss, I thought his behaviour was normal and I was scared to reject him.

Over time things got worse. He would choose what we did in our free time, like what films we saw. He isolated me from family and friends, at first by slagging them off, especially if they were different to him. Then he would ring and text me a lot during the day to find out who I was with and what I was doing. He would turn up at work to check up on me. If he disapproved of where I was he would get aggressive and then hang up on me. He started demanding that I show him my phone to see who I was texting, and he would go through my internet history. If I did go out he would give me a curfew and lock me out if I missed it.

My routine was dominated by how he wanted me to live my life. He didn’t like me painting my nails, putting accessories in my hair or wearing heels. He would control what I ate; how much food I was allowed on my plate. He didn’t like me having second portions of dinner because he said he wanted to keep me thin, we only ate when he wanted to eat.

I didn’t feel I could call the Police. Sometimes, after he’d been aggressive, he would call them claiming that I was the abuser.

He was negative about anything I did. Something minor which he didn’t like would trigger him to be verbally abusive. At first he was apologetic, then he started to deny the abuse or blame me. I was afraid to have an opinion on anything. When it first started happening he would sober up and be extremely apologetic afterwards. But then it happened more often and he would say it wasn’t that bad, deny it or blame me.

He got aggressive if I expressed an opinion that was different from his, such as something on the news. He banned me from saying certain phrases. He would also be extremely graphic when talking about sex. He would bring up rape and murder all the time and sexual affection was only on his terms. On one occasion he did try to rape me.

He belittled my achievements, the things I had achieved so far in life. He controlled the jobs I worked, and the income I had. I had to live in an area that he approved of, which was expensive, and I got in debt. I would have to give him money and sometimes pay his rent. He decided who I could tell about our relationship.

If I did something that he considered wrong he wouldn’t say anything around people that we knew, but would wait to get home before exploding. The occasions that he was physical didn’t seem too serious at the time, such as pushing and shoving, or standing so close to me that I felt intimidated and afraid. He didn’t leave a mark but I knew things were getting worse when he tried to push me in front of a car. He once threw my things outside when it was raining, locked me in his room and lied to me that someone had stolen them. He tried to convince me I was going crazy.

I didn’t feel I could call the Police. Sometimes, after he’d been aggressive, he would call them claiming that I was the abuser. He would calm down by the time they arrived, but I was so distressed it was easy for him to say that I was unstable. Afterwards he would go silent for days to punish me.

I was constantly on edge, even on the days when he was calm and things were going ok. This made me think that one day he would change. I was constantly treading on egg shells, and felt like he had control over every aspect of my life. I felt like I had to change my speech, behaviour, personality, actions, opinions and decisions to please him. I tried different tactics to keep the peace, but I realised I couldn’t change who he is. I didn’t have any self-confidence left, and I became a shadow of my former self. I couldn’t be myself around him and had to change who I was.

I was constantly on edge, even on the days when he was calm and things were going ok.

You’re probably asking why I didn’t just leave. When it’s in black and white like this it’s difficult to see why I couldn’t just escape. Just run and never look back. But living through it is different. I wanted to get away but felt dependant on him and was scared of what he would do if I left him. Because he would twist things to the extreme, I didn’t know what reality was anymore. I didn’t know how to explain what was happening because there were no physical marks – but what I went through was just as damaging, and almost impossible to describe. Friends and family noticed something was wrong, but couldn’t guess what I was going through. I was emotionally broken, and felt like I didn’t have the strength to leave him. I didn’t trust the Police to help, to protect me, and to be honest you find ways to explain things, to justify what’s happening to you, just to keep going – you look to some hopeful conclusion where everything ends up okay in the end.

I was nervous when I first came to Victim Support, but it wasn’t long before I said for the first time out loud what was happening. They listened, without judging me or telling me what to do. Through talking, they guided me to understand that what was happening was wrong, and gave me practical support about things such as reporting to the Police and keeping safe. I was never forced to do anything I was uncomfortable with.

When I did separate from him, things did get worse at first, but Victim Support supported me to get where I am now, where I’m happy and my life is my own.

I’m sharing my story with you because if it sounds familiar, I want you to know you that giving Victim Support a call isn’t as scary as it sounds.

To protect the person who wrote this article dates, times, names, along with other specific details, have been changed.

You & Co says:

If you are in a relationship like Sarah’s, You & Co can help. We will never tell you what to do, but we can help you decide what you want. Whatever you decide, we can give you practical support to keep safe. We can help you work out who else you want to tell, so that you have other people there to support you as well. You & Co understands how people come to be in relationships like Sarah’s. We will not judge you.

This article was produced in partnership with You & Co, the children and young people’s part of Victim Support. You can contact Victim Support in Haringey on 020 7336 1777 or call the national support line on 0845 3030 900. For more info: www.victimsupport.org.uk