Daveyoufool's Proposal

Notice from the Records And Information Security Administration In light of the events of Incident-OO1-Omega, the following document has been made public to all Foundation staff to ensure the peaceful and effective execution of Contingency Schubert-9.

SCP-OO1-J

Object Class: Apollyon

Special Containment Procedures: As of Incident-OO1-Omega, there is no longer any feasible way to contain SCP-OO1-J or to prevent the coming of Scenario XK-OO1-J.

To maintain calm and ensure a smooth transition of the human race into the wide variety of customized and readily-available afterlives , Contingency Schubert-9 is to be enacted immediately.

Description: The description of SCP-OO1-J is a lethal cognitohazard, and as such, is available on request for all interested personnel.

Addendum - Contingency Schubert-9: Contingency Schubert-9 is comprised of an auditory alarm system at all Foundation sites. The following alerts are to be played constantly.

Threat Level Alarm Meaning Epsilon-Green Foghorn SCP-OO1-J has been stopped, because miracles are real. Delta-Green Klaxon No activity from SCP-OO1-J. Delta-Blue Klaxon but slightly higher in pitch SCP-OO1-J has opened its eyes (unconfirmed). Delta-Yellow O5-11 imitating the Delta-Blue alarm SCP-OO1-J has opened its eyes (confirmed with photographic evidence). Delta-Orange "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones SCP-OO1-J has opened its eyes and is looking at Earth. Delta-Red "It's Not Unusual" Norwegian black metal remix by Dr. Naismith SCP-OO1 has opened its eyes, is looking at Earth, and Dr. Naismith wants to promote his band. Gamma-Green Klaxon, Foghorn, Buzzer at the same time Civilian casualties have begun. Gamma-Blue The entire soundtrack of David Lynch's Dune Civilian casualties continue. Gamma-Yellow Same as Delta-Orange, but with air horns Civilian casualties continue, but with more of an aggressive subtext. Gamma-Orange Same as Epsilon-Green, but with a muffled eagle cry in the background SCP-OO1-J is targeting your site, prepare for death. Gamma-Red "Don't Sleep In The Subway" by Petula Clark This site has been destroyed by SCP-OO1-J, ergo, I can enjoy Petula Clark as much as I damn well please and only corpses will judge me. Beta-Green 10 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically. A species has gone extinct as a result of SCP-OO1-J. Beta-Blue 14 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically. A city has been destroyed as a result of SCP-OO1-J. Beta-Yellow 14.3 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically. A country has been destroyed as a result of SCP-OO1-J. Beta-Orange Beta-Yellow, but "Nearer My God To Thee" plays in the background on an accordion. A continent has been destroyed as a result of SCP-OO1-J. Beta-Red Beta-Orange, but backwards. The old woman we recorded is still very sad about the whole affair, and could use a hug. Alpha-Black-Omega-Death-Death The entire discography of Toby Keith "Good goin', OO1-J, you destroyed our civilization. This is your reward, an eternity of Toby Keith. Was it worth it?" Actually, I'm deaf.

It is believed that proper execution of Contingency Schubert-9 will maintain good morale, ease suffering, and relieve stress.

In addition, testing prior to Incident-OO1-Omega has found that the volume of these alerts is directly proportional to the level of calm during times of stress. Therefore, usage of additional amplification assets, as well as maximum volume, is encouraged.