Lysol Introduces Shoulder-Mounted Turret That Automatically Blasts Anyone Who Coughs Within Six Feet Of You

SLOUGH, BERKSHIRE—Lysol has unveiled a new shoulder-mounted turret that automatically blasts anyone who coughs, sneezes, or emits mouth droplets of any kind within six feet of you.

The Big Lysol Turret 9000 is especially useful during epidemics and flu season, though many who are fearful of germs and disease say they plan to use the product year-round, just in case.

"COUGH DETECTED. DEPLOYING COUNTERMEASURES," the system blares as it activates, coating the offender with an entire can of Lysol spray. "DESTROY ALL GERMS. DESTROY ALL GERMS."

Target, Walmart, and other big box retailers are stocking the device now for the low price of $99.99, though they immediately sold out. Customers mobbed the stores as soon as they opened this morning, gathering in a big crowd to be the first ones to get the turret guaranteed to stop germs and prevent infection. They also bought a bunch of toilet paper for reasons unknown.

"Rest assured, we are working to get more BLT-9000s to customers as soon as possible," said a spokesperson. "In the meantime, consider just pushing people away with a pool cue."

For extreme germophobes, the turret can be reprogrammed to blast anyone who simply gets within a certain distance, cough or no.

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