BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on. “Over our five years of observations, we consistently found that test subjects exhibited low self-esteem, despair, and lost interest in normal activities after being dunked on with a devastating monster jam,” said head researcher Randolph Murray, adding that study participants were at far higher risk of experiencing mood swings, social isolation, and the inability to concentrate on tasks when the dunking party then swung from the rim above them and screamed “This is my house.” “These findings apply to individuals from every demographic group, all of whom displayed behaviors such as angry outbursts and persistent feelings of sadness after getting totally schooled with a windmill, double-pump, reverse, or tomahawk jam. Furthermore, when a participant was dunked on following a half-court alley-oop pass, we observed a sharp increase in the expression of suicidal thoughts.” The study follows similar research published earlier this year by a team from UCLA, which found an increased incidence of depressed mood and self-medication among test subjects who get absolutely lit up by a linebacker.

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