ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Member for New England, Barnabus Decimus Meridius Joyce, has effectively ended the internal coal war plaguing The Nationals in recent weeks amid news that an online petition is calling for him to do so.

The dogmatic Aries spoke briefly to journalists as he enjoyed a Golden Gaytime out the front of a Yamba newsagency, on the New South Boomerstan Mid-to-Upper North Coast.

Between mouthfuls and sneezes, Joyce said once he was told about an online petition calling for the government to abandon new coal infrastructure projects, he thought that was enough to jump on the anti-coal bus.

“I’m not here to be on the wrong side of history,” he said.

The former Deputy Prime Minister then let out an earth-shattering cough, sending bits of ice cream and biscuit onto an ABC reporter standing opposite him.

“Fuck, sorry about that. Brain freeze. Anyway, my staff showed me an online petition that said coal is bad and it’s not popular, so I decided to bush the idea,”

“Now, I know what you’re all thinking. What does Gina (Rinehart) make of all this? Surely she’d be ropable, right? Well, truth to be told, I don’t know. I went into the surf with my phone on the first day and it’s fucked. She’s probably been trying to ring me all day. Anyway, have a nice day, fellas. I’ll see you on the campaign trail.”

And with that, Barnaby began walking away carelessly down toward the Pacific Hotel, chewing on the paddle pop stick.

He sneezed suddenly, sending the chewed stick to the pavement.

More to come.