As a man who used to work part-time at a cinema, I have as good a reason to hate Disney as much as anyone. Every time one of Walt “hey, freeze me once I’m dead, kewl?” Disney’s movies got released I would witness a steady, endless stream of screeching, messy, unruly little children hyped up on sugar turn a cinema screen into their own personal playground and my own private hell. The fact is, Disney have laid claim to generations of kids – as teacher, entertainer, ruler and spiritual guide – and we never really batted an eyelid about it. Whatever keeps them off the whiskey, right? The thing is, once you scratch off the smiley surface of Mickey Mouse and his alarmingly un-trousered friends, the ugliness beneath it all is difficult to ignore. Behold the truth of Walt et al, and bring that whiskey we talked about. You and your kids are gonna need it.



1. They Love Subliminal Messages

If you thought Tyler Durden splicing in a frame of an erect penis into a children’s animated movie was far-fetched, think again. There has been so much sexual imagery weaved into Disney’s back catalogue from The Little Mermaid’s “dildo” under-the-sea tower; to Sex written in the stars above Simba in The Lion King; to Jessica Rabbit’s lady garden being Marilyn Monroe’d; it could be argued that most of the Disney animators, or perhaps at least a select few, really are a bunch of dirty old pervs. There is also the subliminal messages woven into their films that suggest Disney’s leanings towards Satanic iconography and certain, shall we say, racial stereotypes and prejudices towards black people and Jews, most recently parodied by Family Guy. See Dumbo’s backwards speaking crows as an example of the worst kind of stereotyping and Donald Duck in a cartoon where he so sweetly portrays life as a Nazi.

2. They Want To Take Over The (Whole New) World

Disney is one of the largest corporations in the world, generating billions of dollars in revenue every year from their surplus of television programming, cinematic ventures, merchandising, music, board games, toys, food brands, clothing lines and promotions. Mickey Mouse’s face stares out at you from every conceivable dark corner on this planet, and their team of lawyers are famous for coming after anyone – and we include Florida Day Care Centres on this list – who they think might mess with their globe-crushingly-powerful brand. Endlessly plowing the public domain for ideas before building iron-clad fences around characters that were originally free for anyone to enjoy (Pocahonus, Peter Pan, Hercules, the list goes on…), Disney send out their message loud and clear – Do Not Mess With The Mouse. With their entire net worth, Disney could be easily classified as its own small country. I dread the day they decide to start developing their own nuclear weapons program. Mickey M’s logo along the side of a missile. Trust me, it’ll happen.

3. They Decide Who Gets Famous

Entire careers originated and were moulded in The Mickey Mouse Mafia – sorry, Club – from Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Kerri Russell, Justin Bieber and most bizarrely of all, Ryan Gosling. Add the honorary Disney movie débuts of Lindsay Lohan, Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus, and it becomes clear; they’re creating an army of celebrities with ties to their organisation. It’s like the Mafia. Only worse. These celebrities are initially praised and worshipped as excellent role models that instil a sense of virginal Christian values into their public personas. But of course, they are just personas perpetuated by a need to make money. Lots of it. And that pressure inevitably drives these Mickey Mouse club idols to go off the rails in an orgy of drugs, scandal, sex and self-destruction. They can’t all turn out like Kurt Russell now can they?

4. Making Money From Films Isn’t Enough For Them

Ah, Disneyland . I was forced to go there when I was seven years old and I hated every terrifying, plastic minute of it. Yet families flock to this artificial, dreadful excuse for a Magical Experience every year, simply so that Disney merchandise can be flogged to maximum potential. It’s like taking a visit to a Pagan festival that somehow got some serious funding behind it. Only significantly less fun than that.

5. A rival company? They’ll eat you.

Disney found the future of the box office in the talents of a studio called Pixar, and decided that they wanted it. And what the mouse wants, he get. Partnering for the Toy Story trilogy in 1995 under assurances that the small studio would still stand alone, ten years on we were hearing the inevitable news that Disney had bought Pixar out completely. Not only did this underline that fact that Disney have no partners -only victims, it meant that we experienced the steady decline of traditional 2D animation, in almost all mediums. Some say it was a revolution, others say it was the permanent abandonment of true hand-drawn artistry; whatever your POV, it’s fair to say that whatever developments come along next, Disney will make damn sure they’ve got a solid grip round its neck.

6. High School Musical 1, 2 and 3.

To some, it’s a “family friendly trilogy”, to others it’s “proof that there cannot be a God.”

7. They traumatised us forever with their damn beautiful tragedies

Bambi’s Mum! Dumbo’s Mum! Simba’s Dad! The terrifying donkey-boy! Why hurt us so, Disney? Why? Do the tears of innocent children continue to keep Walt’s body in cryogenic stasis?

8. They pretend we don’t have to be beautiful even though that’s a lie

Let us recall Beauty and the Beast. Sure, Belle falls in love with a massive… bear? Wolf bear? Some sort of creature, anyway, and hooray, it doesn’t matter what he looks like, spell is broken! Except then he turns into a prince. And that’s, quite obviously, a hell of a lot better. Also, it doesn’t have any slightly nasty tinges of bestiality (step up The Little Mermaid). Can you think of a Disney heroine who doesn’t encourage poor young girls to fall onto broken glass in desirability-based despair? No. Us neither.

9. They are on-going supporters of the horrible 3D format

Meaning that every painful three-dimensional second of their new releases will be impossible to hide from, no matter what universe you’re living in.

10. Do they… love Satan?

Rumour has it that Walt Disney’s signature itself is a sign of his dedication to all that is unholy. It appears to mark the symbol of three sixes on each of the whirl shaped letters– 666. The mark of the Beast. Coincidence? We think not…

So, unscrupulous in business, morally bankrupt, sexually depraved, (probably) Satanic in motive and purpose, Disney crush their competition and silence their opposition. They do not tolerate resistance and they take no prisoners. They encourage children to follow in the examples of Shave Me Bald Britney and Gonna Get Dirty Christina. And dammit their songs are catchy. What hope do we have, world? We’re waiting for the day Walt wakes up – he’s going to have a lot to answer for.