By US Secretary of State John Kerry

You Israelis are so hypersensitive. You overreact to every little distortion, every little indication that I’ve swallowed the big Palestinian lie hook, line, and sinker. But you should save your bile for when I make pronouncements far more offensive than attributing the threat of the Islamic State to the unresolved Israeli-Palestinian conflict. That’s bupkis. I also contend that the unresolved Israeli-Palestinian conflict caused the Ebola outbreak in Africa.

The repetition of the Palestinian narrative that they are the indigenous people dispossessed of their land by foreign Zionists has succeeded: not only does most of the world view Israel as an illegal usurper, but they completely forget that there never was such a country as “Palestine” from which the citizens could be dispossessed. The ease with which the made-up notion has become current demonstrates an important principle of diplomacy, which happens to be my specialty: I can say anything I want, despite all the contradictory evidence, and expect to be taken at my word. So here I go: Ebola is the result of the unresolved conflict between Israel and her neighbors, and the only solution to the epidemic is for Israel to cease building homes for Jews in their historic heartland.

No evidence is necessary. All I have to do is make noise about it, repeatedly, and the world will eventually buy it. That’s the way international diplomacy works.

I know all about the threat the disease poses to society as a whole. Its spread beyond Africa is all but assured – the question only remains to what extent, and which other societies will crumble as a result. That’s why it’s crucial that we resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict now, before more cases start popping up in Spain or the U.S.

See how easy that was? Appeal to the need, ignore the necessity for a logical link between the two. Here’s another good one: Israel’s settlement policies are the root cause of smoking-related deaths in the U.S. That’s hundreds of thousands of deaths every year! We must act now to curb that construction, or even the announced intent to plan zoning to enable future tenders for construction. It’s that important. You can’t be too careful when it comes to human lives!

Except for all those civilians being killed by American airstrikes against IS positions. But if you give me a minute, I’ll blame Israel for that, too. It’s a helluva pinpoint operation.