Posted 01 April 2018 - 22:02

2018 Verizon Indycar Series Round 2 of 17: Desert Diamond West Valley Casino Phoenix Grand Prix

Shock to the System

Hot in the City

ISM Raceway

Map of the Fourth Dimension

Friday, April 6

Saturday, April 7

Eyes Without a Face

Save Me Now

Championship Standings

Flesh for Fantasy

Conor Daly Career Update

Betcha Didn’t Know That…

It’s a Nice Day to Start Again

“In the midnight hour, she cried ‘Indycar’.” – Billy IdolReady for another dose of open-wheel patriotism? I am! The next stop for the Verizon Indycar Series is Phoenix, Arizona, the first in a chain of incongruous US geographical locations once crooned by Steve Miller. The first oval of the year will also be the first night race of the year. Prepared for another round of high-speed thrills under the lights, as our beloved heroes go spinning around the Phoenix dustbowl like a series of sponsored mechanical tumbleweeds caught in a asphalt whirlwind? Don’t go dancing with yourself–welcome to Indycar!It’s hot here at night–lonely, black, and quiet. And then suddenly INDYCAR, one of the two most popular racing series in the US with ‘car’ in its name. While other racing series have gone around piling on downforce, Indycar’s taken it off! The effects of losing invisible weight have been surprisingly visible, with last weekend’s race blasting the St. Pete overtake record into as many pieces as there were passes. The road/street course side of the calendar is showing plenty of promise, as old-school CART anoraks the world over are nodding their heads in silent approval, but that’s not why we’re here–it’s time to OVAL.19641.022 mi (1.64475 • 10ångströms)Asphalt248253.456 mi (4.111874 • 10ångströms)Al Unser (6 wins)Team Penske (8 wins)March/Dallara (9 wins)18.8701 s (194.975 mi/h avg)Simon Pagenaud144.058 mi/hYou, like me, are probably wondering what the hell an ISM is. Webster’s tells me the following:1: a distinctive doctrine, cause, or theory2: an oppressive and especially discriminatory attitude or beliefThis suffix is frequently used on the end of a religion to indicate its status as a belief, such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Indycarism. That last one is illegal in 13 US states.This tells us little about the mysterious ISM–Ingenuity Sun Media. It’s not immediately obvious through any perfunctory web searches what ISM actually is, other than that they are focused on solar power and have an obsession with advertising in parking lots. My inner child thus paints them as some sort of solar-powered version of SPECTRE, looking to hold the world ransom for $1 MILLION DOLLARS by blinding its unsuspecting citizens through their myriad of hyperluminal advertising stations located in parking lots the world over. In reality, it’s far less sinister than that, because they don’t even have a website . Only Indycar could race at a track which has just secured a decade-long title sponsorship deal with a company that doesn’t have a website.You have still learned nothing about ISM Raceway! What is wrong with you? Whatever. Phoenix rejoined the Indycar calendar in 2016, to much fanfare from its participants. Scott Dixon won in 2016 and Simon Pagenaud won in 2017. The 2016 race involved an alarming amount of Max Chilton and the 2017 race involved an alarming amount of nothing. Both races had loads of tyre drama–the camber on the tyres will be so intense here that in a straight line, the front left will barely be on the ground. Unfortunately–partly because of the tyre wear, partly because of the layout–this race isn’t likely to be a barn-burner–a phrase so cool it’s almost enough to make me want to change my username. The things I would do if I were an admin!Anyway, overtaking at here has historically been so difficult that the powers-at-Indy have considered artificially rubbering in the outside line around the track at Phoenix in an attempt to allow the track to… uh… rise from the ashes of previous years. Given that artificial attempts to improve racing have been a rather hot-button topic in recent years, this particular approach has garnered an alarming lack of press attention. My internet acceptance baromerter indicates that this news flying under the radar may indicate either an acceptance of the idea or the old guard being too tired complaining about everything to give a damn anymore. The first glance at Racer’s comments section suggests that the latter is unlikely and will continue to be for the foreseeable future.All times are local (US Mountain Time)11:00 – Gates Open11:00 – USAC Quarter Midget Races (DC Solar Power Pavilion)11:30 – USAC Silver Crown Champ Car Series Practice 112:45 – USAC Silver Crown Champ Car Series Practice 215:15 – Vintage Desert Classic Session 116:15 – USAC Silver Crown Champ Car Series Qualifying18:15 – Vintage Desert Classic Session 212:00 – Gates Open12:00 – USAC Quarter Midget Races (DC Solar Power Pavilion)14:30 – Vintage Desert Classic Session 315:30 – USAC Silver Crown Champ Car Series Race: Phoenix Copper Cup (100 laps)16:30 – Pre-Race Concert: Spin Doctors16:50 – Vintage Desert Classic Exhibition Parade Laps17:55 – Driver introductions (DC Solar Power Pavilion)“With Paul, you get a completely unvarnished, highly blunt opinion on whether somebody’s good or absolute crap, and there really isn’t any in-between” – Townsend Bell on Paul TracyThe race will be broadcast on the NBC Sports Network, where we thankfully welcome back our regular assortment of Leigh Diffey, Townsend Bell, Paul Tracy (BOOYAH), Robin Miller, Brian Till, Jon Beekhuis, and others. Pre-race festivities should begin something like 30 minutes to 1 hour before the race.It’s my understanding that BT Sport or ESPN is carrying the race in the UK. I’m getting really tired of copy-pasting that statement.: Check your TV listings! If there is any information you have for all of us that you’d like others to be able to find in the OP, let me know and I’ll update it here.There’s also this super-awesome social-digital thing called Indycar Mobile. If you’ve got an iDroid, you can probably find it on the app market. If you’re a Verizon customer (because obviously all the other networks suck), this will give you access to a series of exclusive in-car cameras and streaming broadcasts of all the practice and qualifying sessions, over America’s Fastest Advanced 4G LTE network. The eponymous parent company of ShopHonda.com has also forked out a cubic shitload of money for naming rights to Indycar’s race-starting two-seater vehicle. If you go to their website, you can enter a sweepstakes for a chance to become a passenger to an Indycar legend like Mario Andretti. Unlike most Mario games, you won’t have to frantically bat off a blue shell and be dragged behind the car should your driver make a mistake.Indycar 2021 ruleset concept art.Only Indycar could undergo a mid-season break right after the first race, forcing us all to find myriad ways to keep ourselves busy since our last Indyhigh. Maybe the four-week break has given you plenty of time to find the right Alanis Morissette song to describe your relationship with F1, or practice awkwardly inserting “Firestone Tyres” or “Sunoco Fuel” into random sentences (or perhaps into other random things–FYI, you can get arrested for that). It’s given me plenty of time to digest everything that happened in St. Pete–and boy, did a lot happen. According to Indycar’s official stats, the new aerokit presented us with a hand-sawing orgy broke the track record for both full-course yellows (8) and number of overtakes (366).Season pre-favorites Chip Ganassi Racing got off to a crappy start (search “chip ganassi st pete toilet crash” if curious), and didn’t improve much whenharpooned Japanese Action Heroon a late-braking maneuver that was very much late and very little brake, leading to a lengthy nose repair and two penalties. None of this sounds impressive, but harvesting a sixth place finish from that disaster is friggin’ ridiculous. Right behind Dixon, defending champhad a rather anonymous day in the Grand Marshal’s old car, perpetual uncertainty devicequalified second and spun out in Turn 1, andday was a slot machine that ended on second.Our rookie class shined dramatically in qualifying and thenDAMMITI hate it when that happens.Anyway, the rookies had as wild a Sunday as they did Saturday. After putting in an outstanding qualifying, AJ Foyt’s young Brazilianshowed he would be theof our concerns as the race went on, having an early unplanned date with the barriers. The next victim would be Mike Shank driver, who suffered a puncture which pitched him into the wall. After everyone calmed down for a little while,decided the race needed a little more excitement with 10 laps to go (“Binder? He hardly knew her!”).The last hope amongst the rookies was cosplayer fan , who had led pretty much the entire affair.was more Reigate Rock than Reigate Rocket, smacking the barriers with 3 laps to go and then stalling his car in the middle of the track, necessitating a yellow flag that setup for a lobsterlicious final shot at the win. This ended in pretty much the only way a 2-lap sprint to the chequered flag between two young drivers could end.And Canadian social media servers went up in smoke.Rossi blamed Wickens, Wickens decided he didn’t care, race control agreed with Wickens, and the Internet blamed Rossi. Victorious amongst the inevitable Category 4 shitstorm that ensued was, who had been hanging on to the front all day on an alternate strategy when the Rossi/Wickens incident allowed him to… er… seal the deal. His team’s partner-owner Mark Plourde was ecstatic.I told you, I sell seals!As our beloved Allen Bestwick once famously quipped, “Restarts are the ultimate point of the race: good things can happen and bad things can happen.” Technically, he wasn’t wrong. So now, after a race hotter than a dead coyote’s sunbaked ass, we move onto Phoenix!Isn’t it too early to be thinking about this? What do you want, extra credit? There is none, so don’t ask.– Sébastien Bourdais (51 pts)– Graham Rahal (40 pts)– Alexander Rossi (36 pts)– James Hinchcliffe (32 pts)– Ryan Hunter-Reay (31 pts)– Scott Dixon (28 pts)– Josef Newgarden (26 pts)– Ed Jones (24 pts)– Marco Andretti (22 pts)10– Will Power (20 pts)Enjoy this while it lasts, because it’s probably the only time all season you’ll see Marco Andretti ahead of Will Power.At the last minute, Indycar rebooted its wondrous fantasy experience and made it available to us mortals. Within minutes, more than 50 of us stampeded the ‘sign-up’ button like thirsty Arizona desert-walkers swarming a fresh cactus. There’s plenty of water left in that spiny succulent, too–with prizes being given out every race, it’s not too late to join the caravan. You can sign up for the Internet Racing League (I may sue for royalties) here . Here’s how our brave bunch of parched nomads did last month:While we can’t tell you who you should pick in the Fantasy game, we can tell you who you shouldn’t pick, namely Rene Binder. This should be easy because he’s not even racing this weekend!In case you’ve missed it, fan favorite Conor Daly lost his AJ Foyt ride at the end of last season. This season I decided to follow his endeavors to land a ride for an in-depth look at what life on the skids looks like for a professional racing driver. Unfortunately, it looks like I’ll have to throw away all the dramatic documentary footage I amassed during the off-season, because Conor’s gone and bucked the narrative by finding a ride! Congratulations!Except the fact that he’s going to have one of the ugliest paint schemes ever.I bet he’s not complaining, though. A drive’s a drive. I’d feel the same way in his shoes–unless I was Tristan Gommendy, anyway.- Goodyear had a 30-year open-wheel victory streak here from 1964 to 1994.- The first non-American driver to win at ISM Raceway was Teo Fabi.- He’s also the only Italian to have won the race.- The 2016 Phoenix Grand Prix was won by 2015 champion Scott Dixon, and the 2017 Phoenix Grand Prix was won by 2016 champion Simon Pagenaud.- If the race had been run in 2015, Will Power would’ve won.- Phoenix Raceway is also known as ZOOMTOWN USA.- “Desert Diamond West Valley Casino Phoenix Grand Prix” is an anagram of “Mixed lava rains chopped Dixon’s tangly iron reed stew.”- Of all the words in the race’s title, “Phoenix” is the highest-scoring in a game of Scrabble, earning you 19 points.- The numbers of the top three finishers in St. Pete were 18, 15, and 27.- 181527 is the product key for a Flambeau Outdoors Maximizer Tackle Locker.Oh, Phoenix–I’m comin’ home. For the third year in a row, we’re treated to a wonderful desert sunset coupled to the glorious open-wheel buffoonery that is Indycar. You guys ready to go? ‘Cause I sure as hell am. There’s nothing sure in this world, there’s nothing pure in this world, and if there’s something left in this world–it’s Indycar. It’s midnight in the Garden of Good and Indycar–and it’s time for the 2018 Phoenix Grand Prix!Actual first image search result for “2018 Indycar”. Yeah, I know, it couldn’t be more appropriate.