Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,

We've all been hearing a lot about the Oscars lately. As is typically the case whenever celebrities gather, there were just too many bronzed moments of stupidity to number (see Why Chris Rock's Pathetic Oscar Race-Baiting Was an Epic Fail).

Let's cut to the chase. Leonardo DiCaprio, you won your first ever Oscar last night. Way to go! A talented actor "earning" a "prestigious" award should be something everyone can feel good about. Except when said actor opens his mouth and starts saying things that make one want to cause themselves bodily harm. I know, I know, with you, it was bound to happen.

See Leo, here's the problem. You had the chance to thank everyone who really made the film happen. Sure you sat in the cold, damp snow for hours on end to get the right shot. You know who else did? The key grip. You know what he's being paid? Not $30 million. You could have been gracious, and taken the time to highlight the oft-forgotten heroes of film. Instead, you took it as a chance to make a political statement, and pump a firm jab at those who don't adhere to your "progressive non-science science". Makes sense. Claiming moral superiority is a favorite pastime of the rich and famous, after all.

So many things can go wrong in a few minutes. We'll just highlight the worst ones. First, you make the obnoxious claim that climate change is "the most urgent threat facing our entire species." Yes, really. You spoke those words. In that order. To form that sentence.

Really? Not religious extremist groups like ISIS, who've been personally responsible for the execution of at least 10,000 people just since 2014? Not gang violence, which averages about 2,000 deaths per year? Not even smoking? No, it's the theory of man-made global warming climate change... Which is still just that, a theory. One that NASA themselves finds to be holding less and less water (read "Climate Models Used for Last Six Decades DEFINITIVELY Proven False" here)

But let's suspend our disbelief and take your word for it. Let's say that you, Leonardo DiCaprio truly believe the garbage you're espousing. Okay? Okay. Then why are you funneling copious amounts of money into not-so-environmentally-friendly investments, like the heating and cooling of your collection of multi-million dollar mansions? You own your own freaking private island, but it's time for all of us to start sacrificing and working together to make a change... What about you, Mr. Moneybags? When will you do your part?

With a net worth of $220 million, couldn't you toss a little pocket change toward the "good" fight? Since it's THE most urgent threat humanity has or ever will face, right? You needn't give your entire fortune away. Maybe you could make do living on just a paltry $50 million for the rest of your life, and give the $170 extra million or so to environmental research. You know, for humanity's sake? That is what you're demanding the rest of the world do. So what's a few less $100,000 sports cars?

So if your answer, Leo, isn't to spend your own money and contribute your own resources to eliminate Earth's most imminent threat, what is it?

"We need to support leaders around the world who do not speak for the big polluters or the big corporations, but speak for all of humanity, for the indigenous people of the world, for the billions and billions of underprivileged people who are most affected by this, for our children's children, and for those people out there whose voices have been drowned out by the politics of greed!"

Hm. Do these "big corporations" include the likes of production companies such as New Regency, who spent millions of dollars to fly actors first-class on carbon-emitting airplanes to and from third world countries to exploit their resources for the sole purpose of entertaining the industrialized world (as they stuff themselves silly with GMO popcorn and corporation-created sodas)? How about Warner Bros or 20th Century Fox who helped distribute thousands of films (including "the Revenant") that came along with not only lavish press junkets but petroleum-made merchandising produced in third world factories? Not to mention the DVD's themselves, which will be watched on countless plasma TV screens across the world. Do you mean those kinds of corporations?

I know, I know. Pointing out hypocrisy among leftist, Hollywood elites is like pointing out Trump's political past. No one cares. But there is an important point here. These "collective" efforts often come in the form of policy proposals like the Kyoto Protocol, communist-inspired "one child policies" or ultimately enforcing carbon emission standards, that hurt... who? Me. The person reading this. The little guy. The person who can't afford to run away to a private island when the s*** hits the fan. Even worse, the even littler guys on the plains of Africa who never get to have an industrial revolution. They don't get to use fossil fuels or crude forms of energy that could save their lives. Why? Because of rich, white, privileged jackasses like you and your subsequent policy proposals.

I'm speaking, of course, of the Pygmies.

At the end of the day, cats like you get to talk up "helping the poor" or rejecting "politics of greed", from a luxurious award ceremony, surrounded by people who burn through money like it's just another energy bill at the DiCaprio residence. Hey Leo, when you say "we" need to make an effort - does that include your pal Jennifer Lawrence, who spent $100,000 on a dress she'll probably wear once in her lifetime? She's worth a couple hundred million, why don't you hit her up? What about James Cameron, who amassed a $700 million dollar fortune selling petroleum-based action figures of little blue people to four-year-olds? If you took all of the self-professed "green earth" attendees at the Oscars, your combined net worth would be well north of $200 billion dollars. More than the entire GDP of many countries! But you want us to lobby their leaders? You and your buddies have the money, power and influence. Why don't you lead?

See Leo, your speech just perfectly showcases exactly how the left thinks. Whatever applies to us does not apply to you. That's why you, Leonardo DiCaprio, with nothing at stake, will be heralded as "selfless" merely for delivering a self-important speech at a gala who's parting gift-basket is worth more than most cars. Though I hear the wrinkle cream this year is lovely.

Meanwhile, the rest of us peasants get to pay twice as much at the gas pump and watch the costs of our goods and services sky-rocket, all so we can meet the policy set forth by your rich, white, liberal, privileged environmental buddies. Don't worry, I'll be sure to compost your Blue-rays.

Also, your life-size cardboard cut-out I keep next to my nightstand. You've no right to judge.

Jackass.

Send your hate-tweets to @SCrowder and I'll be sure to not get right back to you.