FROM asking for a phone number for the internet to inquiring about a refund for your dead cat's unused nappies, when it comes to checking on our rights as consumers no question appears to be too wacky.

Fair trading and consumer affairs authorities across the country receive more than two million inquiries every year but some simply stand out of the pack and leave you scratching your head.

So if you were hesitating about asking a question or clarifying your rights, don't.

Because your inquiry can't be any crazier than this baker's dozen of doozies:

1. "Do you have the number for the internet?" (WA)

2. A woman complained that her guests were rude and disruptive. Was she was required to provide them with notice to vacate her house? The inquiries officer asked whether there was a tenancy agreement between the parties. No. The guests were the woman's in-laws from England. (Vic)

3. A consumer called seeking redress for a hat that blew off her head on a windy day, claiming the hat was not fit for purpose. (NSW)

4. "What do I do with a dead body? What if the person is not dead yet? If I discover the body, am I responsible for the funeral costs?" (NSW)

5. A woman organising a hen's night booked a male erotic dancer from photos on the internet. However, the man who turned up wasn't anything like the man in the photo. There was disappointment bordering on anger. The woman said: "You would expect him to be better looking than your husband, and he certainly wasn't!" The woman was told there are consumer laws covering products and services not being "as described" or "as advertised" and she may have a valid complaint and be eligible for a refund. (WA)

6. "My cat died. Can I claim a refund from the supermarket on its unused nappies?" (NSW)

7. "Do I need a council permit to build a tomb in my backyard?" (NSW)

8. A tenant phoned to inquire about her right to break the lease on her rented house, which she believed was haunted. The tenant's landlord had agreed to allow her to break the lease early if a planned exorcism failed to remedy the haunted house. The inquiries officer advised the tenant to ensure she obtained this agreement in writing. (Vic)

9. Caller: "My builder has moved a rock, modifying the appearance of our property."

Fair Trading rep: "How big was the rock?"

Caller: "The size of my hand." (NSW)

10. From a media release: "The caller informed Fair Trading they were working at a brothel and having problems with a customer demanding a refund. The customer had paid for a service but been unable to claim the service and although the caller advised the customer she was more than happy to provide the service at another time, the customer was insisting on a full refund. The Fair Trading officer informed the caller that as she had been prepared to fulfil the contract she was not obliged to give a refund." Similar inquiries have been received several times. (NSW)

11. A consumer requested advice after a taxidermist allegedly overstuffed her dog to the extent that the dog no longer resembled the animal when he had been alive. (NSW)

12. "Can I speak to the Strata Medication Unit?" (NSW)

13. A consumer called to inquire about his refund rights regarding a packet of tobacco he purchased prior to deciding to quit smoking. He had attempted to return the tobacco to the retailer, who would not accept the return or provide a refund. (Vic)

Here's the numbers on your state authority at work:

* NSW Fair Trading took more than 1.03 million calls in 2011-12 and another 203,000 face-to-face.

* Consumer Affairs Victoria fielded 135,000 general questions in 2011-12 among the more than 500,000 calls it answered.

* Queensland's Office of Fair Trading provided information to 305,000 people over the phone.

* WA Consumer Protection responded to 200,000 phone calls and 14,500 emails, plus 17,000 over-the-counter queries in 2011-12.

* South Australia Consumer and Business Services received 50,000 calls last financial year.

* Tasmania Consumer Affairs and Fair Trading answered nearly 30,000 inquiries in 2011-12.

* NT Consumer Affairs took more than 3000 calls last financial year.

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