When she returned after a long hiatus from WWE programming, British vixen Paige looked “like she had put on a pound or two,” according to the gurgled critique of an elephantine wrestling fan who doesn’t realize his TV’s remote control is currently wedged into one of his dorsal folds.

“I mean, she’s still pretty hot,” wheezed the fan, struggling to dislodge his left forearm from a near-empty can of Pringles.

“I would still totally do her,” he added, seemingly unaware that Paige would never, ever “do” him, even if the fate of the entire human race relied on the two of them conceiving a child.

Paige, for the record, has not gained any weight — nor have Bayley, Alexa Bliss, Mickie James or the countless other female wrestlers whom the fan has described as “chunky” while watching wrestling from a sofa from which he is almost completely incapable of extricating himself.

The fan, who goes by the alias NJPW_2_Sweeeet on various online wrestling forums, is notorious for using critical terms like “shoddy workrate” and “lazy booking,” though he often misspells the terms on account of his plump fingers and steadily declining motor control.