Am I A Selfish Bitch or Are You Just A Controlling Gaslighter?

We all think we know what it means to be “selfish” and have collectively decided it’s a bad word. But what if it’s not — or not entirely? And what if accusations are less about any moral deficiency in you and more about an attempt to control you?

When we talk about a selfish person, we might call them self-centred (preoccupied with oneself and one’s affairs), self-serving (having concern for one’s own welfare and interests before those of others) and self-interested (concerned for one’s own advantage and well-being). Selfishness, then, is primarily concerned with self-care, with an investment in one’s own well-being. Some people might extend the term to mean unkind or lacking empathy, but when the term is used to describe simply placing one’s own needs, interests and well-being above the needs, interests and well-being of others, without hurting or endangering those others — that’s what I’m speaking in defence of here. As the Wiccan Rede I learned during my spiritual phase in college would have it, “An it harm none, do as thou wilt” — generally interpreted to mean “do whatever you want without fucking it up for anyone else”. I long-since strayed from the witchy path to walk the cold bright road of atheism, but the phrase still rings true to me. As an independent individual who doesn’t fit neatly into the role of “nice lady”, I am not over-concerned with showering people with gifts/time/blow jobs — unless I freely and genuinely feel like giving them those things. I don’t allow anyone to make me feel obligated or guilty. Unfortunately this causes certain people to call me, pejoratively, selfish. Particularly when they have lavished me with excessive attention and/or gifts, they feel I owe them something, and by not reciprocating I am revealing my true colours as, if they really want to drive their point home, a cold bitch. But why are they so offended by my belief in self-care?

You have no idea how many Dawson memes I trawled through before I just created this one…

People who call us selfish are usually doing so because their needs (or demands) have not been met. You have refused to give them something and therefore you are selfish. According to them, being selfish is bad because it is all about your needs being placed above theirs. But wait, isn’t that exactly what they are doing now, calling you selfish because you chose to meet your own needs and not their own? Does this not imply that their needs are more important than yours? And isn’t it weird how what they’re calling selfish, others might call healthy boundaries? Something tells me this charge of selfishness is not coming from a place of genuine moral concern but from a place of frustration. They are frustrated because they cannot control you. You are not selfish, you are free (able to act as one wishes and not under the control of another) and that irks them. If you are free, how are they going to be assured that you will meet their needs? I have been called selfish for making decisions that benefit me, without hurting anyone else, simply because those decisions don’t also directly benefit the other person. In other words, for making choices that make my life better, without also making your life better. I mean, how dare I?

You may be thinking, “but selfishness is obviously bad, it’s the opposite of generosity and altruism”. Okay, let’s talk about altruism for a moment.

Firstly, as a feminist, I find it incredibly interesting to examine the synonyms for altruism and compare them with those for selfishness. If being selfish is all about putting one’s own needs first, what is altruism about? It is about self-sacrifice (willingness to give up one’s own interests or wishes in order to help others) and self-denial (a restraint or limitation of one’s own desires or interests), the two qualities most consistently expected of women under patriarchy. Your wants and needs have no relevance here, woman! There are children and husbands to look after! Your desires are not important right now, miss! A man is in need of a blow job! When a woman steps outside of the society-approved roles of wife, mother and nurturing caregiver, accusations of selfishness are never far behind.

Secondly, altruism and its creepy buddy generosity may not be what they seem. Defined as “showing a readiness to give more of something than is strictly necessary or expected”, generosity can also be an instrument of — you guessed it — control. A generous person does not content themselves with giving what is needed and asked for, but goes the extra mile, giving time, gifts, attention and advice above and beyond the call of duty. Now this may sound perfectly lovely in theory — and it can be in practice too, in moderation — but unless this generous person is Taylor Swift, chances are if they are consistently bombarding you with generosity, they have an ulterior motive. This may not be a conscious or nefarious motive, but it usually has something to do with wanting something from you. In my experience, people who describe themselves as altruistic are more likely to accuse others of selfishness. These people see relationships as transactional. The trouble is that when they give you a product you never asked to purchase — giving more than is strictly necessary or expected — this creates a debt in their eyes. When you are “selfish”, you have fallen behind on your payments.

I, on the other hand, see relationships as a serendipitous matching of available resources and grateful recipients. Relationships are not co-dependent transactions of trading like for like, where we must bend over backwards to give unsolicited gifts to others in order to be worthy of their love and they must reciprocate these gifts or show themselves unworthy, but a complex system of everyone offering what they can and accepting what they need. Let’s just assume everyone is worthy, regardless of how much they put in the kitty, okay?

Thinkers from Hobbes to Dawkins (yeah I know, that guy…) have described altruism as a kind of self-interest, a strategic deployment of resources that benefits the benefactor. Whether true altruism exists is hotly debated and that debate is not going to be settled here. But if we are to accept that at least part of why most people act unselfishly, is for selfish reasons, then using “selfish” as an insult becomes meaningless. That which serves me does not automatically do a disservice to you. Self-interest and kindness are not mutually exclusive.

The term “gaslighting” is named for the 1944 film Gaslight, in which Ingrid Bergman’s husband slowly manipulates her into believing that she’s going insane

Also worth noting are the roles that accusations of selfishness and unsolicited generosity have in cases of abuse, emotional or otherwise. As described in Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear, abusers will often use a technique known as “loan sharking”, in which they give unsolicited help in order to create a sense of obligation and make their victims feel in their debt, before making unreasonable demands. Calling a person selfish is one of the key weapons of gaslighting, a form of mental abuse in which the perpetrator convinces you your perception of reality is false. By convincing you that you are selfish, they ensure that you will try to make it up to them with indulgence and forgiveness, especially useful when the harsh words and fists start flying. Because it is so abstract, selfishness is not an easy label to refute and often people will do anything to prove they are not selfish. No one wants to be thought of as a bad person.

I am in no way advocating that we all take to the streets and do whatever we want, like some kind of crazed narcissistic libertarians. I am simply saying that when someone calls you selfish, this probably means they don’t like taking “no” for an answer. They think they deserve what they asked for and you are not appreciating them by refusing. You aren’t playing ball, aren’t playing by the rules. Love, however, is not a transaction and gifts are not deposits on requests to be made later. Accusing your loved ones of selfishness is demanding and needy and entitled and possibly abusive.

You’re right, I am selfish. And I don’t owe you anything.