"Hello? This is Hilaire."

"Chris Gayle is ready to apologise."

"I'm sorry?"

"He'll do it. Chris Gayle will say he's sorry."

"Oh. That's nice. But we'd really like to hear it from him."

"This is Chris Gayle."

"You are Chris Gayle?"

"I am Chris Gayle."

"Well why didn't you say so? Well go on then. Apologise."

"Chris Gayle is sorry."

"I thought you said you were Chris Gayle!"

"I am Chris Gayle."

"Oh. I'd forgotten about the whole third-person thing. Why do you do that? Anyway look, let's try this again properly, shall we?"

" "

"Well, go on, say you're sorry."

"Chris Gayle is "

"You're doing it again! Look, just repeat after me. Ready?"

"Yes."

"I "

"Chris Gayle "

"Sigh. Look, just forget it. We'll do it your way. It'll have to do. Go on, say it your way."

"Chris Gayle sorry "

"Great. Fine. You'll hear back from us."

" for your mama."

"I'm sorry, Chris, I didn't catch that. Could you repeat that last part?"

"..."

"Let me ask you something. And this is for the record now. The question, Chris, is this: What are you sorry for?"

"Chris Gayle?"

"Yes, what is Chris Gayle sorry for?"

"I don't know. What am I supposed to be sorry for again?"

" "

"Hello?"

"Damn it, I don't know either. I've forgotten."

"Oh great, now what do we do?"

"I don't know."

" "

" "

"Chris Gayle is quite possibly the most destructive West Indies batsman since Viv Richards. You know who said that?"

"Who?"

"Your mama."

"Look, leave my mother out of this."

"A smart woman that. You should talk to her more often. Might drill some sense into you yet."

"Hey..."

"So now the question is "

"Since when do you talk so much, anyway? I'm confused."

" given the fact that most people think Chris Gayle is the most destructive batsman since Viv Richards, how do you explain to West Indies fans your seeming lack of willingness to resolve the issue in their best interests?"

"Is this you, Dad? This isn't funny, you know."

"How do you sleep at night?"

" "

"Dr Hilaire, are you ready to apologise?"

"I... wait, what?"

"The West Indies people need you to apologise, Dr Hilaire. Maybe that's the first step towards resolving this. Come on, wouldn't that be sweet azz?"

" "

"Just say you're sorry, Hilaire."

"You say it first."

"You say it first. You owe West Indies cricket to back down."

"You owe it to yourself, Chris."

"Okay, on the count of three?"

"Okay."

"One "

"Two "

"Three."

" "

" "

"What happened?"

"I was waiting for you to apologise."

"I thought we were going to do it together."

"So did I."

"But we didn't."

"Apparently not."

" "

"You weren't really going to apologise, were you?"

"Nope. You?"

"Nah. Phew, that was close, though!"

"I know. We almost slipped there, didn't we?"

"So we're good?"

"I think so. Want to call it a day and try again tomorrow?"

"For the sake of West Indies cricket?"

"What else?"

"Sweet "

" AZZ!"

(laughter)

"Aw, you complete me."

"You had me at hello."