I want to be as fair-minded as I can in what I am about to say. Now, the media acts like the government has been running better than a Swiss watch for the last eight years. And I don’t want to sit here and act like it ran like a Swiss watch the eight years before that, either. Nor will it run like one going forward. Why? Because it is still the government we are talking about. One man isn’t wholly responsible for this train wreck we see before us. But what’s more, one man will not be fully responsible for future messes, as much as the media would have us believe.

I will save time and refer to our federal government as Guv from here on. Look here, Guv, the population of homeless people has been increasing every year. Now, how is it that you’re able to run around and blather this nonsense about us being “the greatest nation on Earth” when every city park looks like a refugee camp? And why do they look like refugee camps? Because they are! They’re economic refugees! You clowns have collectively spent the prosperity of three or four generations now! And for what? The Vietnam War? The Iraq War? This horrifying nightmare you brought to us trying to bring Dumbocracy to Syria? I see the homeless every day. More than half are seriously mentally ill. No, let local police handle it, right?

Speaking of the homeless, there are flyers and handbills everywhere telling homeless veterans where they can try and get help. No, not from the VA. I’m talking hot meals, showers, a place to sleep. Some of them are so recently discharged, you can hear their dogtags still jangling under their shirts as they walk. See, these are the results of your trying to bring “democracy” to people who will fight tooth and nail to keep your version of that out of their countries. But you’re done with them, right? Again, let the local police handle it. We’ve got a war to start with Russia, after all.

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I’m tired of hearing this nonsense about how great Guv has been for the last eight years. Sorry, but this is the same Guv that has been in control for over a couple hundred years now and they’ve done nothing but pauperize huge swathes of the nation that used to have economic stability. Tax this, tax that, pass this law, sign BS trade treaties over here, jail people for smoking weed, and on and on it goes. We have more people per capita in prison than the Soviets had socked away in gulags and you jokers want to tell me we’re so great? Flush out your headgear, dummies. You jail people over smoking some flowers while you people commit multiple felonies, torture human beings, start illegal wars, and kill people all over the planet and not one of you—not one!—sees a day of jail time for it. No, jail is also the relocation camp for the economic refugees your insane policies have created. And the mentally ill, too, by the way. Make America Great Aga... Buy New $10.99 (as of 06:00 EST - Details)

The poor, yeah, you’re all so keen on us, aren’t you? As if we’re cute little waifs in a Norman Rockwell painting that you condescend to flip a dime to on the street corner. Excuse me, but the fundraisers you all attend cost $25,000 a plate. That’s more than we earn in a year! And, what, Guv? You think you KNOW us and what our needs are? Many of us haven’t even heard of the crap you serve at these shindigs and you want to act like you’re in solidarity with us? Here’s a news flash for you: I don’t trust any of you and I don’t even like any of you. I’ve seen too many broken promises. Too many people that went to jail for weed while you people, again, committed multiple felonies and flippin’ walked.

You do these stupid things like provoking the Russians—the Russians!—and act like we’re all behind you on this? Yeah? We’re the one that will be incinerated. If we’re lucky. You’ll all be hiding in those bunkers you built for yourselves with that 100 year supply of Xanax and heaven alone knows what other drugs you stashed away down there. Right, no jail terms for you! Let some poor soul have a bottle of Xanax without a prescription, he goes to jail. You guys stash a century’s worth of it for a couple thousand people to party like it’s Doomsday (because it is) and they probably high-fived throughout the Pentagon and put in a few purchase requisitions for Quaaludes.

Look here, Guv, what makes you think you’re so dang smart? Smart people don’t get into wars they can’t win because they don’t get into wars. Look at the Swiss. They make nice watches. They make lots of nice stuff besides that. Why? Because they’re not flushing away their prosperity down the commode on senseless wars that drain the economy. You run around with this BS meme that “war is good for the economy” and the only “economy” it’s good for is the offshore one the CIA has through black markets, shell corporations, and bogus bank accounts. Man, the German SS had nothing on these guys! Those bush league buffoons in black uniforms wouldn’t make it through Day One at Langley. Not crooked enough. Great team you’ve got there, Guv. CIA means Crooks In America.

You created a humanitarian disaster in Syria and a war of epic proportions. That war will not be truly be over for a decade, I’ll bet. And the terrorist attacks coming from it will plague Europe and the United States for two decades, at least. And for what?! Democracy?! My word, do any of you realize what you have done?! Almost 300,000 people dead and more to die and you think they care about voting for some charlatan with a pass key to the bathroom at Langley? If this goes on, in order to have elections in Syria, you’ll need to hold a mass séance. You spent how many hundreds of millions of dollars on this insane war and vets from the last one are sleeping on the streets. Bravo, Guv! Outstanding performance! Those Hollywood celebrity policy parrots will be glad to play you in the next movie to glorify this endless slaughter. Then you can invite them up to the White House and give them the ear you have long refused to give to the real people who aren’t playing real people on TV.

You see, Guv, I am not fooled by this. I know that it doesn’t matter who is president, the United States military, probably on orders from the CIA, will continue to provoke the Russian military until someone gets nervous and shoots. Bravo! The border skirmish we’ve all been waiting for! Now we can jump right in and lose another war. Notify local police departments across America that the homeless population will soon be increasing rather rapidly. Well, those who live anyway. Right, let’s park American troops in Poland. Because that’s right where the last world war we had began in earnest. Might as well keep using a winning combination, right? Those poor, duped Poles. Waving American flags as American tanks and Humvees roll in. And none of them know they’re expendable and we can’t beat the Russians in a conventional war. Meaning Krakow will be a smoking, radioactive crater within 48 hours of a border skirmish escalating into a full-scale launch-on-warning. Let’s see you wave American flags then.

And how does a war with Russia help us, exactly? Oh, I know! Then we can pass more wartime measures, more laws that will probably govern and dictate when a red flag needs to pop up on a Homeland Security because someone checked out a “flagged” book at a public library in Twin Falls, Idaho. “Patriotic Americans will not read Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, or any such Russky propaganda! We have instructed public libraries to remove these books from their shelves and give us a list of names of who has checked them out over the last twenty years! If any librarian refuses to do so, he or she will be subject to arrest as a person-of-interest! And anyone found in possession of music by Shostakovich is subject to arrest! Let no one even think of cooking Beef Stroganoff! After all, if it saves just one life…” That’s how you think, isn’t it, Guv? Everyone is a suspect, everyone is guilty. Except you, Guv. And you’re the one actually committing the crimes! Brilliant! Perfect alibi! “How can I be the crook? I wrote the laws!”

So don’t hand me this crap that the government has been rolling along, slick as you please, for the past eight years. The government has rolled the world into a humanitarian disaster. The government is rolling the world into another world war. And the most fascinating thing about it is that most of Europe, who will be the nuclear battlefield as far as the first salvos of tactical nukes go, thinks that Guv has not been behind it! And practically begs Guv to provoke the Russians even more! Ukraine changed hands between Russia and Poland for hundreds of years and, what, now we’re concerned about it? Gosh, how did they ever manage to bicker over this piece of territory while the United States was busy shooting its indigenous population in the name of Manifest Destiny? Right, Guv, you’ve got the proven track record on what can and cannot be done with lands and populations one side deems up for grabs, right? As long as you apologize for shooting them later, it’s all good. What? Give the land back? No, Guv has moved on. Now Guv tells other countries to give back land or enforces no-fly zones. And Europe seems to forget what their cities looked like the last time the Russians came through. And Guv, too, for that matter. Crippled America: How ... Donald J. Trump Best Price: $1.48 Buy New $8.97 (as of 03:40 EST - Details)

Right, everything has been just peaches and cream for the last eight years. Gosh, I know I’m impressed. Russia is conducting mass civil defense drills for the first time since the end of the Cold War. They’ve fielded another 100 thermonuclear warheads with dozens of new ICBMs. Gee, Guv, sure is a smart move to put troops into places where the possibility of a border clash is certain. Or, perhaps, some trigger-happy Polish soldier decides to “get even” and takes a shot at the Russians and hides behind an American tank. Or some Estonian. Or some U.S. naval vessel fires on a passing Russian warplane. “We can’t let the Russians embarrass us!” Indeed. It’s certainly worth the deaths of several billions of people to ensure we are never embarrassed.

It sure is swell to see everyone feel that the CIA is now telling us the truth. At least the news media does. Why not? Many of them probably get press releases from some press agency funded by In-Q-Tel. Look that one up. Right, CIA venture capital firm. Gee, Guv, exactly what companies do they fund anyway? Or do you even know? Of course they must be telling us the truth. Like they told us the truth about Iraq. And Syria. Now, we know the CIA tortured people. So if the news media affords this organization impeccable truthiness, it would be like the news telling us in 1939, “Oh, yes, we know the Soviets tampered with our elections. The Gestapo told us so!” Why not? Guv brought over several Nazi war criminals here during Operation Paperclip and afforded credibility to them, too. Must be where Guv learned it.

Nazi war criminals helped us win the Space Race, too. The one liberals think was so peaceful and not about proving who had the most accurate ballistic missiles. “If we can put a man on the moon, we can drop a warhead right into Leonid Brezhnev’s vodka tumbler!” Later, they padlocked psychiatric hospitals, shook them all out on to the streets, and built the Space Shuttle. Yay! The Guv-lovers all want more money spent on NASA. Well, in order to do that, we need to order local governments to build more city parks. That way, there will be a place for the burgeoning population of homeless to be sequestered. Then we can afford to send a mission to Mars to prove that planet is less viable than Death Valley. But, hey, we’ll beat the Russians to another orbiting sphere of lifeless rock! I understand Guv entertains notions of building a “base” on Mars. More likely, a secret prison for “unlawful enemy combatants” and other non-people who no longer exist. “It’s not on Earth! So no laws regarding the treatment of human beings apply! On Mars, we don’t even have to think of them as human beings!” But, no worries. They won’t be able to afford to cart the homeless up there.

Sell this government to someone else. I’m not buying it.

The Best of Jack Perry