ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Dolphins haven’t been seen in Doug Hanratty’s body for decades but now that he’s been effectively locked up for three weeks, those dolphins have started to return.

For over twenty years, the 35-year-old has dumped vast quantities of drugs and alcohol into the many canals and passages that criss-cross his pathetic meat sack.

Doug’s time in isolation has taught him a few things about himself; one of the more important lessons being that he’s only really a social drinker – in that he only really consumes anti-social amounts of alcohol when in the company of family and friends.

But the oddly-meek Scorpio lives alone which doesn’t present many opportunities to get pissed for a social drinker.

Speaking to The Advocate via telephone, Doug said he started feeling ‘very funky’ over the weekend and decided to present himself to the Royal Betoota Base Hospital emergency room last night.

“They said I had acute dolphin,” he said.

“In that, there were millions of tiny dolphins swimming through my body. I haven’t felt like this since I was 15. They said the dolphins came back because the pollution levels in my bloody are now at an all-time low,”

“I don’t know how I feel, though. I feel kind of weird – and sad. Because all these dolphins are going to die when the pubs open back up and the boys get back together.”

Our reporter hung up on Doug and decided that was enough human interaction for today.

More to come.

