FORT BRAGG. N.C. ⁠— Army Chief of Staff Gen. James McConville has officially forbidden soldiers 18- to 20-years old from getting married while in the Army. The decision results from the study of decades’ worth of empirical evidence. Eighteen-year-olds throughout the ages have proposed to their high school sweethearts, only to deploy or PCS and for the relationship to not work out.

Off-post courthouses across the nation have cheered for the decision, but pawn shop owners are not happy about it. One owner said, “Listen, I don’t know how these generals think I’m going to make a living anymore. I had one wedding ring come back here five times in the same year.”

“You know what kind of hit I’m going to take if I can’t sell these things to soldiers every few months anymore?”