Burnaby, BC – As results came in from the Burnaby by-election, members of the federal NDP were disheartened to learn that they would be stuck with Jagmeet Singh as their leader for the 2019 election.

“We were out there everyday working hard to sabotage his campaign,” said one disappointed NDP insider who worked on Singh’s campaign. “We had [former NDP Leader] Thomas Mulcair accuse him of international war crimes on national television, handed out Jehovah Witness material instead of campaign flyers, and spread a rumour that he wants to build nuclear weapons to blast baby whales out of the Strait of Georgia and force vegans to eat their radio-active carcasses.’”

“No matter how hard we tried to backstab him to save our chances in Quebec, nothing seemed to connect,” said a woman wearing ‘Elect Jagmeet Singh’ t-shirt. “I even tried to kick him down the stairs forgetting he has an excellent balance thanks to his jiu jitsu training.”

Dozens of despondent supporters flanked the newly elected NDP leader during his electoral victory speech as he promised more affordable housing and a progressive alternative to Justin Trudeau.

“We signed up a whole bunch of people to vote against Singh and drove them to the polls,” said one dumbfounded partisan. “Now we’re doomed to be a weak third party in Parliament, instead of a moderately strong third party like we’ve been dreaming about.”