… And there are a lot of bad heroin-smuggling plans out there. Witness: California resident Donald Dennehy hoped to get some heroin to his son in prison in Colorado, so his son could sell it to fellow inmates. According to the Smoking Gun, Papa Dennehy decided the best way to do this would be to somehow get the heroin into his son’s mouth so he could swallow it. Then his son (also named Donald) would wait until he passed the heroin through his system and collect it later when it came out the other side. Gross, right? You don’t even know the half of it. When the Donald Dennehys couldn’t find a woman without a prison record to come in and pass the heroin from her mouth into the son’s mouth through a passionate-seeming kiss, Dad Donald decided he’d do it.

Now, this was a sizable item — a finger-size lump of black-tar heroin, so this would have to be a serious father-son make-out session. But how to get the drugs into the prison? After all, Dad Donald would have to fill out papers and talk to officials, and he couldn’t very well do that with a big bag o’ heroin in his mouth. And since he’d be searched on the way in, well, he didn’t have much choice. He shoved it up his butt.

Just to sum it up for you: The plan was for the heroin to go from anus to mouth, to mouth, and then all the way to anus again. Luckily for everyone involved, the Donalds made this plan over the phone. These two criminal masterminds are apparently the only two people left in America who don’t know that calls to inmates are tapped, and prison officials stopped the ghastly plan before it could be put into action, searching Dad Donald until they found the drugs protruding — oh, never mind. Anyway, if they had succeeded, it would have netted the duo a whopping $22,000.

We’re pretty sure it wouldn’t have been worth it.