I’m a Spike-Johnny.

A Spike is a very competitive player. He always brings the best deck to a tournament and wins at all cost. A Johnny on the other hand is a player that thrives in a kitchen table Magic setting. He always has some zany combo or flavorful deck with creatures he finds fun to play and creative spells to cast.

Unfortunately for me, I was born both.

I have made decks in the past based around a single card. I have also chose to put a poor creature in my deck as opposed to a good one just because the art was better. I often brew decks based around Gilder Bairn because heck, surely a little fella in frog pajamas has to be good. Right?

My inner Spike-Johnny has usually gets the best of me in tournament play. Bringing the best casual deck at a tournament may get you a few laughs and back pats but just doesn’t pay off. In competitive play you just cant have the best of both worlds. I am a competitive player but my inner Johnny ruins my competitive play.

In comes what I call “The Worst Deck Ever”. Over the years, there had been a few cards sitting around my collection that I really wanted to do something with. A very special pile of crap. These weren’t creatures and spells that were bad. They were horrid. Creatures that damaged me when opponent’s cast creatures, even a creature that gave life to my opponent the more they beat on it. There were even enchantments that did nothing until specific events happened to change them into creatures. Here is the list of fail for those of you that wish to lay your eyes on it…

Here is the punch line. I made this deck with virtually no expectations. My girlfriend of mine was playtesting with me and asked me to play with the “worst deck I had” to see where the power level of their newest brew was at. Freshly made, I pulled this one out for it’s maiden voyage. She was stunned at this efficiency of this 60 card pile of garbage. So was I.

The deck contains creatures with strong power/toughness for their casting costs with some added personal drawbacks. The Phyrexian Negator used to be a strong contender in days past when Dark Ritual was in every black deck but has fallen by the wayside since. Grollub and Wretched Anurid are mostly there to survive a well timed Massacre. Skittering Skirge can be sacrificed as needed only to cast Unearth later and has flying for added evasion..

The enchantment creatures trigger more often than not. Lurking Skirge is good to have in play as you cast Massacre to kill the weaker opponent’s creatures. Getting your opponent down to 10 life as quickly as possible will also activate Lurking Jackals and keep the black avalanche rolling.

Death Pit Offering is a fun card in this deck. Granted, it will kill all creatures you control but why would you care if they die? You command some of the worst creatures ever printed. With the enchantment creatures already in play but untriggered, they will be unaffected by a cast Death Pit Offering.

Bubble Matrix and Crawlspace round out this deck. Bubble Matrix spares you having to sacrifice permanents from Phyrexian Negator as well as Grollub’s adverse ability. Crawlspace ensures you don’t get overrun.

Everything in this deck revolves around timing. Casting Massacre or Death Pit Offering at just the right time is essential to how the deck runs as well as when to play to Phyrexian Negator or even what creature is worth casting to sacrifice a triggered Skittering Skirge. I guess that’s where my experience pays off while playing this deck.

My girlfriend didn’t like this deck as much as I did. She now asks me to play my “second worst deck ever” while playtesting. This deck could use a bit of a tune up and is by no means ready for a tournament scene but has a certain kind of charm to it, like a mutt that so ugly that it’s cute. But for nostalgia, I’ll leave this alone for now.

Blame my Johnny side.

Aiokii has been playing Magic for 20 years and has accumulated at least that many “Worst Decks Ever.” Let’s hear about your worst deck ever! Contact the Paper Champion on Twitter or Facebook or message or post in the comments below. Also take the time to check out Reddit Budgetdecks for cheap Magic: the Gathering goodness.