Reuters / The Ivan Von Noshrilgram Foundation

By ALISTAIR A. VOGAN

WASHINGTON, DC - This week, Clearview AI, Google and Amazon disclosed their recent deliberations with the Library of Congress in Washington and the Senate Subcommittee for Literacy Reform over the legal right to purchase, and possess indefinitely, the copyright of English vowels. Senator Ralph Skinner who, until recently, spearheaded the Senate subcommittee, reported in the Washington Post on Wednesday that the proposal included all vowels. Later that evening, however, he was forced to back down from this claim, stating, "In fact, it will be the five 'power vowels,’ that is, ‘A’, ‘E’, ‘I’, ‘O’, ‘U’, and, unfortunately, only sometimes ‘Y’.” Those present said he looked sad as he added the final phrase.

Samsung, Facebook, and Apple have also announced that they are investigating the copyrighting of the hard consonants, 'K’, 'T’ and 'B’, which, some say, makes economic sense. Mr. Skinner, though no longer officially speaking on behalf of the Senate Subcommittee for Literacy Reform, has pointed out that the American government has a clear fiduciary duty to the American public. "Americans expect our actions to be in agreement with our stated aims. We’ve said we’ll balance the budget. Let’s show them how to do it!” Skinner was quick to state that the present negotiations only concern the American alphabet and will not "in any way” affect its trading partners. "That’s a promise, China!” Skinner said, his two thumbs up.

Enthusiastic supporters of the proposal believe this will provide a real, and much needed, boost to the economy - though no one has yet stepped forward to explain how. Still, a pay-as-you-go plan has been proposed that would make the vowels, and possibly in the future, the hard consonants, if not the entire alphabet, available to the American public, for an affordable price. It is speculated that the top 1% will choose a one-time fee that could be extended one or more generations. A spokesperson for Jeff Bezos of Amazon assures the public that rates will be very competitive: "We’re on the public’s side with this one.”

Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, states, "This will absolutely help fund much needed services still affected by Obama’s Great Recession, like our public schools...” She speculated that lower income families would initially receive subsidies to continue to use the language outside of such public institutions. “Americans. Your voices matter to us…”

Obviously, an element of trust and good citizenry will be expected, at least until the latest artificial intelligence technology is in place.

Detractors point out that all of this is akin to the great land grab of the 1800’s. In addition, it is argued that implementing the proposed reform will be next to impossible and cost taxpayers millions. "And anyway,” states Dr. Biba Von Noshrilgram of The American Voices Project, “access to language is a fundamental human right. The alphabet belongs to everyone, doesn’t it?”

"Nope,” says Bill O’Reilly, former host of The O’Reilly Factor and one of the proposal’s staunchest supporters. "Did you invent the English language?” he asked Amy Goodman on Wednesday’s heated broadcast of Democracy Now! "No,” he answered for her. "And, I suggest, Amy, that if you are using it, just as I am, admittedly, then you are in a position akin to squatting. …Unless you pay for every phoneme you consume.”

"I’d say I’m speechless, Bill, but I’m sure that would cost me more than I could afford,” Amy Goodman is purported to have responded.

"Actually, that’ll be a dollar fifty, Amy,” said Mr. O’Reilly.

"No one has purchased the vowels yet, Bill,” clarified Ms Goodman.

"And if you don’t own them,” Mr. O’Reilly continued, “but you use them, and you don’t pay, don’t be surprised if there’s some form of legal action. The free ride is over! And don’t come crying to me, or anyone else, unless it’s with consonants, exclusively. If bleeding hearts have a problem with this proposal, heck, I say go and invent your own language!”

"…Or go back to their own country?” it is reported Amy Goodman added.

"Sure Amy. That’s fine with me.”

"I don’t like it, Bill,” she continued, “And I’m American.”

"Amy, it needs to be stated. In the end, the alphabet has gotta be regulated. We need to know where it is and how it’s being used, all the time, perhaps for national security reasons. Outside of book sales and publishing in general, which, of course, Amazon is famous for…”

"Infamous,” Ms Goodman corrected him.

"…no one really knows what the vowels have been up to...”

"Google says,” Goodman added, “they too have been 'concerned’ for some time…”

"…I’m sure they have, Amy.”

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Copyright (2016) Alistair A. Vogan