I’m going to be completely honest: I didn’t think my marriage was going to survive after I had a baby.

Friends and family had warned me that my husband, Chris, and I might hit a rough patch after our son arrived, but I laughed it off. After all, between dating and marriage, we’d been together for nine years by the time we had a baby. We were veterans at this relationship thing—we’d be fine.

We weren’t.

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The second our son arrived, Chris and I immediately stopped working as a team. It was like a wedge had suddenly been driven between us, and we couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it.

We battled over everything. It seemed like everything that I thought was right, Chris felt was wrong—and vice-versa. He couldn’t understand why I was so worried all of the time, and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t worried more. Together, we were volatile.

I worried that Chris would trip and accidentally drop our infant when he held him while walking down the street instead of using a baby carrier or stroller like I did, and I almost killed him when he texted me a photo of our newborn snuggled up next to our 90-pound, totally unpredictable dog.

He didn’t understand why I would get upset when he wanted to stay out late with his friends; I didn’t understand why he thought that was okay.

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Now that we’ve come out on the other side, I’ve learned that our situation wasn’t rare. But at the time, I was freaked out. Instead of the solid unit I thought we would be, we were hanging by a thread.



While some friends told me they became even closer with their partners immediately after having a baby, the majority said their relationships took a serious hit and only recovered after a few months—or even years.

Case in point:

“I feel like we fell apart for a good year. Those first six months, we screamed more than we ever have. I don't even remember the details, but I do remember standing in the bathroom, screaming, sobbing, and thinking, ‘OMG, you are the most inept a-hole I've ever met.’ I felt really scared when we'd fight because I didn't know we were capable of having that much anger toward each other. I also remember thinking that the qualities I love in a husband—carefree, silly, laid back—are not the qualities I needed in a father/partner, and it really hit me over the head that I might have two kids to take care of. I resented that a lot. Eventually, I felt like we'd gone from me hating him and him just feeling disconnected to us becoming more kind to each other. We were a good team and were super nice about it all, but we felt really different to me. I think when the baby turned a year, things began to shift for the better. It wasn't perfect, but we did an overnight and left the baby with my parents. That was nice, and I remember feeling like, ‘Oh yeah, this is who we are!’ We'd lost ourselves, and our relationship was part of that, during that year.” —Karen

“It was like Armageddon in our house after our son was born. My husband has a high-pressure job and was working all the time, so he wasn’t much help at all. He slept in our spare bedroom for the first four months so that he could actually get some sleep while I took care of the baby at night. I also suffered from post-partum depression, and I think he didn’t know how to deal with me. I just felt alone and sad. It was really, really hard.” —Sarah



“Our roles changed after we had a baby, and we both had to figure out what we were comfortable with so that things were still fair. It was a hard adjustment. I stopped working after we had our second baby, and that really switched things up for us. Suddenly, more chores and responsibility fell on me. It wasn’t an easy adjustment.” —Audrey

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“After we had a baby, I was doing everything for our newborn and most of the stuff around the house, too. I was going insane and would cry for most of the day. I’m not a silent sufferer, though—I made it known that I was unhappy. I started to shift tasks to my husband, but then I became a nagging wife. It took a while, but we took some big steps in the right direction and are now working toward a common goal.” —Kelly

It took Chris and me nearly two years to get back to normal. Yup, two years. Now, we’re better than normal—we’re great. The truth is, our relationship had never really been tested before we had a baby. But we survived—and ultimately, it brought us closer together.

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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little 2-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.

Korin Miller Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more.

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