Authored By chloe.morrison

For most of her life, self-hatred permeated every decision that Chattanooga resident Ashley Bell made.

“I’ve always been a bigger girl,” she said. “I had been bullied pretty severely. When I was 12 my greatest fantasy was to not wake up in the morning.”

Shortly before she graduated high school, her father got very sick and had several surgeries. At that time, she was sharing a room with her parents. She said she’d wake up at night and hear her father crying in pain.

She felt helpless.

She’d been trying to go to school, but it wasn’t working. She didn’t have transportation.

She felt stuck.

The story of how she freed herself has several parts-The Avett Brothers inspiration, the Chattanooga Room in the Inn connection and a self-esteem boost from a new photographer friend.

Bell is still working to overcome challenges, but she has decided to start trying to love herself-a first step to self-improvement that’s usually the hardest.

The Avett Brothers inspiration

Something inside Bell forced her to move forward even when she was feeling low, and in 2011 she started participating in suicide prevention walks.

Bell loves literature, writing and music-all things that have helped her during tough times.

And she loves The Avett Brothers.

As part of her volunteer efforts for the suicide prevention cause, she painted signs with inspiring lyrics and hung them where the walks would take place.

At that time, those signs were the only way she could express herself and maybe help another person, she said.

“Decide what to be and go be it.” “There was a dream and one day I could see it. Like a bird in a cage, I broke in and demanded that somebody free it. And there was a kid with a head full of doubt. So I’ll scream ’til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out.”

One of the first signs she created had lyrics from The Avett Brothers’ song “Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise.”

Soon after she started sharing The Avett Brothers lyrics in her volunteering efforts, she found out the group was coming to Track 29 and there was a contest to win tickets.

To win she had to explain why she deserved to see them.

“I was still feeling kind of backward … but my love of The Avett Brothers far outreached any of my fears,” she said.

So she posted a picture of herself and another girl at one of the suicide prevention walks. She explained that the group’s lyrics inspired her to volunteer for suicide prevention and if she is able to help even one person- that’s everything.

“Within two days it spread across the country-all because of fans of The Avett Brothers,” Bell said.

She didn’t win the contest, but she met her best friend and countless other comrades through social media and the power of The Avett Brothers, she said.

And she still got to attend the concert.

“Someone saw my story and came through with tickets,” she said. “It was my first live music experience since I was 8.”

She’s received valuable support from people across the country who she now considers friends. And now she has a job at Track 29, occasionally working shows in the very venue where she found so much inspiration.

“I know first-hand the power that music has to bring people together and to foster healing,” she said.

Chattanooga Room in the Inn connection

In an effort to turn her life around, Bell promised herself to start doing everything with purpose-to start showing herself love even when she didn’t always feel like it.

And she started seeing a counselor who mentioned possible help through Chattanooga Room in the Inn, which has a nine-month residential program for homeless women and children, as well as other services and training.

She saw the local nonprofit as a way to become self-sufficient and independent.

She was living in the same room as her parents at the time, but to be eligible for help she needed to be homeless.

“I had to make the pretty scary decision to just take a flying leap into the unknown,” Bell said.

She slept on friends couches until there was a place for her at Chattanooga Room in the Inn, and since then she’s graduated from the residential program, she said.

Self-esteem boost through photography

While Bell was at Chattanooga Room in the Inn, she met local photographer Shauna Morrison of Kaleidoscope Photography.

The idea behind the name of the business is that even when things feel broken, they can still be beautiful-especially in God’s eyes, Morrison said.

Morrison had been through her own share of trauma. When she was a child, she and her mother got help from a women’s shelter, whose leaders gave her family a box of food.

“I remember everything in that box,” Morrison said. “I thought ‘Why are they helping us? They don’t even know us.’ And ever since then I knew I wanted to give back.”

So that’s why Morrison was at Chattanooga Room in the Inn-to help, to offer the women free photo shoots.

She hoped to show the women the beauty they might not see in themselves.

When Morrison met Bell, she was inspired. She admired her bravery.

“The courage it takes to face your demons and to look inward-to say, ‘I’m going to work on me.’ Most people don’t do that. They just shove it down,” Morrison said about Bell.

Bell loves all things vintage, so she did a pin-up style photo shoot. There were times she was nervous and insecure. But Morrison encouraged her, and the result was photos that both women are proud of.

They both found strength and inspiration through the experience, and are planning another photo shoot together.

Bell is better off than she has been, but she’s still working toward everything she wants for her life-like being a writer or a public speaker, anything to help someone who has felt defeated like she has.

Through her journey, she learned she can’t put her life on hold until circumstances improve. You can’t wait until you have a better job or until you’re skinnier or feel beautiful, she said.

“It doesn’t work that way,” she said. “The progress has to come from making a decision even when you don’t feel beautiful. You have to jump out and make a decision or you’re going to risk being stuck forever.”