Occasionally, Craigslist offers us a naked glimpse into the world we live in now and the insufferable private lives of its inhabitants, much as it offers us a window into the horrors of SF rental properties. Today this comes via a job posting that went up around 1 a.m. this morning for a personal assistant in South Park that basically sounds like indentured servitude and psychological torture for $25-$30 an hour, depending on your tolerance of either of the above.

The posting comes from a 30-something couple who describe themselves as executives who have crazy work lives these days "which means that we don't have time to maintain our personal lives." What that amounts to (and I'm going to assume the poster is female for reasons you'll understand) is that this couple has resorted to eating "unhealthy take-out and processed foods," "personal social media accounts are neglected," they don't go on date nights because they don't have time to open an app and make a reservation, and vacations aren't taken because "there's no time to plan them." The dog needs walks and brushing. The dishes need washing. Also, "nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped, investment opportunities go un-researched," and "I buy fresh flowers but don't have time to trim daily and change the water."

[Update: The couple appears very real, they've responded to various media inquiries, and now they admit they're actually "40-something."]

Basically their lives are utter hell, and they need someone with a litany of characteristics, sensibilities, and abilities to do their errands, clip their toenails, post to their Instagram, and attend to their every whim so that they can sit on their laptops and work work work, and hopefully go to dinner sometimes.

Now, while it's a given that the job of personal assistant  especially in Hollywood!  takes a certain kind of person with a great deal of patience, a subservient streak, and a high threshold for abuse, the requirements for this job, and the description of the ideal candidate  which is really an unvarnished look into this one person's manic psyche  is pretty special:



You aren't dramatic or tightly wound, however, you're also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You're level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You're down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you're wrong. You aren't too stubborn to apologize. You don't get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren't dramatic and you aren't having regular melt-downs. You're warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is -- big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You're observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say "Oh, I forgot." You believe that there's a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You're naturally organized and clean. You don't like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they're crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don't feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won't seem happy.) Your friends think that you're the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You're very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look -- whatever that "look" or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you're "bohemian chic" but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you're "cool hipster" but don't wear the super tight jeans that won't leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog's potty bags, you're totally "minimalistic modern" but avoid the white on white look so you're not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)

And that's not all!! The commitment is basically seven days a week, with on-call required 24-7 for "urgent" matters. And you're required to swim into the ocean if the dog ever swims out too far, to fetch him. You also had better enjoy giving mani-pedis, have a good sense of style, watch Game of Thrones, work out regularly when you're not tending to this couple's every need, and not drink more than FIVE DRINKS PER WEEK. It doesn't even pay as well as this $175K/yr gig that a rich Noe Valley couple was offering last year.

REQUIREMENTS: ---------------------- * Written and spoken English language FLUENCY

* Able to maintain strict confidentiality

* No smokers (cigarettes, marijuana, other)

* No heavy drinkers (max of 5 drinks per week)

* No drug users

* No past criminal record

* Must love dogs and animals

* Valid drivers license (car will be provided if necessary for work) with experience driving in SF

* Experience with GSuite, MSOffice, Adobe Suite

* Experience with MacOS and iOS (computer and phone will be provided)

* Touch typing 60+ WPM

* Prior experience as dog owner

* No injuries or physical constraints that would impede your ability to rearrange furniture, lift a 40 lb dog up several flights of stairs, carry heavy grocery bags or luggage, etc.

* Able to swim well in the ocean (dog likes swimming; you may need to get him when he goes out too far)

* Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog

* Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea BONUS POINTS:

---------------------- * Multilingual

* Experience as a personal/executive assistant

* Experience with a high-maintenance dog (long haired, allergies, etc.)

* Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)

* You are a great cook and know how to make both rich, savory vs. lean, healthy meals

* Enjoy giving manicures/pedicures

* Well-traveled

* Experience in high-end/luxury retail or hospitality industry

* Good eye for design and style

* Prior experience reviewing and negotiating contracts

* Prior experience with home redesign, remodel, contractor management

* Physically strong

* Lift weights and/or tone as exercise

* Practiced in self defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)

* You like fashion

* You watch GoT and/or Silicon Valley

* Former or current aquarium owner (know how to set up a tank and create an ecosystem)

And (Jesus Christ), they ask as part of the application process that you write an email describing how you're both perfect for the job and imperfect, and "record and attach a 5 min video of you answering ALL of the following: What did you like about this posting? Confirm if this posting applies to you 100% (including personality description, qualifications, schedule, responsibilities, etc.)... Can you cook us delicious food? What else should we know about you?" and more.

Are these the worst people in San Francisco? Should we take this as an example of what New San Francisco hath wrought on this city where once upon a time the joke was "San Francisco is where young people go to retire"?

I'm going to say no, because a) I'm sure there's someone worse, and b) perhaps this job posting came out of the mind of an extremely stressed, overworked person who believes in the magic of fictional servants like Mary Poppins and Pepper Potts, and who really just needs a Xanax and a bottle of wine before she hurts someone.

Know anybody with absolutely zero pride or self-worth who really, really needs a job? Bonus points if they have no life of their own and are willing to perform sexual favors for one or the other half of this couple when the other is too busy sending emails.

Related: Extremely Fancy Noe Valley Rich People Seek $175K Pantry Organizer

