DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach. “We used a combination of selective breeding and genetic modification methods to engineer a new type of peach that just gushes all over your face the second you bite into it,” said head researcher Margot Corman, adding that the peach variety is so slushy that the flesh of the ripened fruit instantly liquefies in your palm, causing the juice to run all the way down your arms and drip from your elbows. “The peach is so wet and mushy that the skin just slides off, and the whole fruit loses its form and turns into a puddle of glop if squeezed.” The scientists confirmed that the sweet, oozing fruit is best consumed over a sink while shirtless.

Advertisement