Berkeley, CA — “I’ve never considered myself a method actor or anything,” says the 43-year-old actor, filmmaker and recent co-star of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, “but the second I saw that image of J.K. Simmons doing bicep curls looking like an inexplicably swole hobo Popeye, I said, ‘F--k that. I’m a method actor now.’ Because I’m getting to the bottom of this. There’s no way I’m letting a 61-year-old, Coke-bottle glasses-wearing Commissioner Gordon look more jacked than Batman.”

Affleck is referring to this photo, originally posted on user aaronvwilliamson’s IG page:

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Santa with Muscles ain’t got s--t on me.

Affleck describes his modus operandi, after completely immersing himself in the role of Batman, as “epiphanic. When I truly began to think like Batman, I realized, ‘You already know the answer, Be- I mean, Bruce. You already know the answer to everything, you prep-time finessin’ son of a bitch.”

That answer was, not surprisingly, a well-known item from the Batman mythos: “I mean, the guy is clearly on Venom.” Venom, the highly addictive super-steroid most notorious for fueling the superhuman physicality of Bane, perhaps Batman’s most formidable villain.

“You don’t need to be the World’s Greatest Detective to figure that out. Even though… I am. Anyways, if you’ve read the ‘Venom’ storyline written about me by Dennis O’Neil, which I didn’t, but I lived through it, so why would I need to read about it, you’d know that this Venom stuff — it’s no good; not only is it an illegal super-steroid that increases aggressiveness along with bone density and muscle strength — but the withdrawal periods are so harrowing that you basically can’t live without the stuff. So you’ve got a bunch of super-strong freaks running around out there constantly going through withdrawals that drive them absolutely bat-s--t crazy. We can’t have our good Commissioner being a drug addict. That’s why I, as much as it pains me to say this, must expose Jim with complete indiscrimination; not even he can be exempt from the law.”



“The best me is drug free,” says Bat-fleck.

When asked what approach he’d take to “expose Mr. Simmons/Gordon,” Affleck simply stares, holds his arms out and flaps them like he’s ruffling the cape of his Batman costume, even though he’s only wearing a deep v-neck t-shirt, a casual vest and JNCO jorts with a wallet chain.

When asked what a more physically imposing Commissioner Gordon, like the one that recently took over as Batman in Scott Snyder’s run, could contribute to DC superhero films: “Nothing. I don’t consider anything Snyder does as canon and… just nothing, okay? It’s selfish of [Simmons] and it clearly shows the sickening levels of vanity and hubris the man possesses. It’s like when WWE owner Vince McMahon started pro-wrestling and he was more jacked than like half of his own roster for some reason. Sure, [Simmons’ Gordon] could probably beat Oldman’s in an arm wrestling match — but no one’s here to see James Gordon putzing around putting criminals in half-nelsons and flexing his rain-polished biceps while he’s turning on the Bat-Signal. If Batman needed help from a physical specimen of a septuagenarian, he’d ask one man: Alfred Pennyworth. That’s right. Good ol’ Alfred,” Affleck explained, with a hint of a smirk, breaking Batman character for a moment. “True Bat-fans should be amped. Alfred is gonna open up a steaming, British teakettle of whup ass in the Batman script I’m writing. Several of them in fact. Marvel Studios can suck my dick.”



Alfred showing what happens when you mess with a butler.

JK Simmon’s personal trainer, Barry Canseco, came to his client’s defense. “Sure, JK’s no spring chicken, but they couldn’t have picked a harder worker for the role of Commissioner Gordon. The guy just doesn’t have an ounce of quit in him.” That includes the spartanic diet routine Simmons has been following for the past three months, one Canseco describes as “probably not what would first come to my mind for a police commissioner, but a 1,500 calorie a day medley of coddled ostrich egg-whites, oatmeal and pigs in blankets. Oh yeah, and those cigars he smoked all the time in the Raimi Spider-Man films? Filled with HGH.”

JK Simmons had only this to say: “Wanna know how I got those arms? From lifting up my great big Oscar, bitches. Get fukd.”