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THE GOVERNMENT has recommended moving to Dublin for any culchie with an interest in public transport and getting from A to B, amid fears Bus Éireann could face insolvency.

“Regardless of whether or not Bus Éireann folds, if you want to get somewhere on public transport, living in Dublin is a sure fire way to do so,” Minister for Transport Shane Ross explained to the country’s culchie population. The Minister then repeated himself a second time, only much more slowly in order to ensure they all understood.

Public transport, usually associated with providing the public with a variety of options and ways to get to certain locations without putting profit at the forefront of its concerns, differs in Ireland to other nations in that successive governments have pledged to make all services ‘a pain in the bollocks’.

“If you wanted timely and affordable transport or even a bus that passes through the town, 3 or 4 times a year, you should move to Dublin lads,” added the Minister, regaling reporters with the tale of the time he used a bus once.

Incurring losses of €8 million in 2016 due to increased competition on busier routes, Bus Éireann confirmed it was contemplating switching to ‘Dublin only services’.

“Given the choice, who’d want to live outside Dublin in fairness,” confirmed a spokesperson for Bus Éireann Dublin Only. The government confirmed that any culchies complaining only have themselves to blame for living outside Dublin.