US Government Changes Money to Say “In Rapists We Trust”

Sep 29, 2018

Perhaps this country truly is going to hell.

President Trump signed an executive order today removing “In God We Trust” from fiat currencies.

“In God We Trust was only added recently,” says US Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “In 1956, Eisenhower put God on our money as a response to the communist red scare.”

But “In Rapists We Trust” goes back way further than 1956.

It’s all over the Bible, for starters. When a man rapes a virgin, Deuteronomy 22 says you must pay the father fifty shekels of silver and marry the girl. In Genesis 34, Shechem (the son of a prince) just needed a quick circumcision to sanitize his rape of Dinah.

“As your president, I’m here to keep our most sacred traditions safe,” continued Trump. “I’m here to Make Rapists Great Again.”

So far it seems to be working. Brett Kavanaugh, despite having had testimonies that he gang raped heavily sedated women, is now one step closer to joining fellow accused rapist Clarence Thomas in the US Supreme Court.

The emboldened Supreme Court is expected to enforce a new GOP-sponsored Act of Congress, allowing “all rich white men worth their shekels in silver can now grab married b*****s by the p***y, provided they use tic tacs.”

Indeed, men of privilege seem to already have much leeway in the eyes of sympathetic judges. Recently, Doctor Shafeeq Sheikh was given no jail time for raping a sedated woman at his hospital. Stanford University swimmer Brock Turner sexually assaulted an unconscious woman and was given a lenient sentence of just a few months.

But not all rapists are safe. The organic #MeToo movement has erupted to change the millennia of institutionalized white male supremacy that propagates sexual abuse. People such as Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Jerry Sandusky, and Catholic priests have all had their crimes brought to light by the #MeToo movement.

“But women challenging our supremacy is un-American,” said Trump. “So just as ‘In God We Trust’ was added to fight the atheist communists, ‘In Rapists We Trust’ shall be added to protect us from the rise of feminism, praise Jesus. Feminism… ugh. Rosie O’Donnell. Come on people. She’s fat. Make women sexy again and let men to do as they wish upon their bodies, especially when you’re a celebrity, for Christ sakes.”