In the wake of Jamie Pollard’s announcement that Iowa State’s coaching staff had collectively offered to take pay cuts to potentially save a few athletic programs, a move which many colleges may be making in the near future, University of Iowa Athletic Director Gary Barta has made a landmark announcement on his plans to help soften the blow of the pandemic to the department budget.

“After speaking with various administrative personnel, as well as all of our coaching staffs, we’ve come to the conclusion that the most effective way we can curb short term damage to the athletic department is for me to avoid creating any new lawsuits for the University for a short period of time.” Barta said at a Friday press conference.

Gary Barta’s long history of lawsuits with the University of Iowa dates back to 2007, and includes discrimination on the basis of sex and sexual orientation, intimidating victims of sexual assault, hiring and retaining coaches with a history of causing and neglecting player injuries, and employing advisers that trade football tickets for sexual favors and sexually harass students for decades on end. Those lawsuits have totaled nearly $7 million in payouts, money which can help avoid looming budget shortfalls as the pandemic threatens to claim the 2020 college football season as a victim.

“We ran some numbers through the computer, and after many hours of science and calculations we found a column in Quicken labeled ‘Gary Was a Piece of Shit Again’ and saw the money we allocate to that fund as a potential source of relief for future budget issues,” added University of Iowa President Bruce Harreld.

This round of budget trimming is hardly the first effort by the Iowa Athletic Department to look for places to save money. In a 2005 effort to reduce the cost of student-athlete housing, Hawkeye offensive lineman and son of disappointed father Brian Ferentz was placed in low-income subsidized housing.

A similar effort is currently underway within the Iowa men’s basketball program, as two of coach Fran McCaffrey’s sons, Patrick and Connor, were placed on athletic scholarship to relieve the budget strain of their tuition and cost of attendance at the University of Iowa.

Barta was quick to mention that he hopes the budget cuts are just temporary, and that he will be able to resume discriminating against women and the LGBTQ+ community upon the resumption of athletic activities following the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I’m looking forward to things returning to normal following this unprecedented time, so we can show off our new championship banners and female repellent system to the Hawkeye faithful.”