Trinitykiller89 Thu 03-Jan-19 20:35:00

Such as:

1.Register with the doctors around my mums, make an appointment and get some medication to help me and keep regular visits.

2.Speak to someone about my debt relief order and being on benefits if I could still work a part time job and keep my dro in place.

3.Arrange some counselling to help my head space and have someone I can talk these issues through such as my debt avoidance and try to find the source of that behaviour.

4.If we got back together and I moved back in I would want to sit down and discuss that financial side of things, for example if I was allowed to do a part time job whilst my benefits and dro is in place then I could give him a good chunk of money each month, this would lessen the strain on him financially and enable us to do more with the house.

5.I would want to make more of an effort with his friends – it’s hard for me as they are Polish and unlike Adrian they do not have a good grasp of English so I am often sat next to Adrian but unable to join in any conversation the whole night. However I would like to really try make more of an effort, we had a poker night beginning of December and that was a great deal of fun for us all so I would like to arrange things like that or he go see them more alone – however he says he prefers it when I am with him or he misses me.

6.I would want to make it up to his parents; given the help they have given with paying his house deposit we would never have got the house without them. They are so very careful with money that they are incredibly upset with me now he has told them about this and I get that completely. It would take time but I would need to build bridges there. I love his family and he mine, we have both been so accepted so its another blow to us both being apart. I have helped his parents a lot with regards to them having a language barrier I would like to mention which they are always so grateful to me for.

7.If I moved back I would use more time to try make the house perfect everyday, I struggle with a lot of pain most days but as I don’t have much else to do at home I should have been on top of this everyday. Motivation was lacking partially due to my mental health but given my current situation I have the biggest motivator and kick up the bum.

8.Arrange us to go out more, we both like to game and binge was tv shows or films and we do forget to get out of the house even though we both like to go for walks and such. So that would be a great thing for health and bonding.

There’s going to be more but I hope you get the idea. I ended up writing him a long email – I’d write him letters randomly which he loved and before I left to come to my mums I asked if I could send him something.

Unfortunately my emotions got the better of my on New Years Eve and I wrote him this email and explained the things I wanted to work on like above. It wasn’t too bad however I now wish I had never sent it and not contacted him, I did update him of all I had already done though. Because of this I have stopped contact now and will continue to refrain unless he messages me.

Yesterday my mum looked into things and found given my situation health wise and not working I would be possibly entitled to council housing help and if I were to live alone and support myself me and Adrian could choose to date and then by December 2019 by debts would be gone and that time may be enough to prove to him I can change. It’s a brilliant idea and although my mum agreed with me not contacting him she did feel that was something I should let him know as its another option for him to consider while we are apart.

I have not arranged the housing yet as until we know where we stand I can’t apply for a place. If I end up declining somewhere while I am still waiting to see him then I could get put so far down the waiting list it could take up to 18 months before I get accepted somewhere.

So on my mums suggestion I messaged him this:

Hi Adrian. Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to make you aware of another option we have. I am in a position where I can apply for council housing and get extra support due to my benefits. This means I could live on my own, support myself and we could still date and see each other. I cant arrange this yet until we know where we stand as once I apply if I turn down a place while we’re still unsure then it’s 18 months before I can reapply at least – once I apply I might have my own place within a month. My thinking is, we can date without the pressure cooker of my financial position under the same roof. It gives us both space but keeps us both together. It just means we would have to travel a bit to see each other but I get a chance to sort myself out xxx

He replied with “That is always an option Amy. I was thinking you might be eligible for that. X”

This for him is an unusual message, he doesn’t normally call me by name and always gives 3 xxx. I know I am looking into that a little much – given my mental state right now its hard not to.

Before we parted which was incredibly hard for us both he promised there is a chance for us – that he couldn’t promise anything but there is a real chance and that’s why we’re having this break.

I am just so scared that he was just saying that but I’ve always told him to just be honest with me. He is not the kind of guy that would be that cruel to give me false hope and I said as much.

So I have to believe that there is a chance so I am trying to focus on myself which right now is harder than it sounds.

I have been apart from him now for 4 full days and it is killing me. I am experiencing all the normal heartbreak feelings – everything reminds me of him, programmes we watched together (I introduced him to a lot and Friends was the last big thing we binged together so I cant even consider watching it) all of my clothes, music, even being at mums reminds me of him as my parents love him dearly and he them. My mum is incredibly disappointed in me too, she is trying to be supportive but keeps pointing out that what I did was wrong and I know that, she says I put too much on him and that although there is a chance to not put all my hope in it right now.

I feel lost and very lonely, I don’t have anyone I can really talk to whenever I need and right now it’s very hard not to cry all the time. I can contain myself for most of the day but random times I will feel that heart wrenching ache, can’t breathe and I start this keening noise as I cry. It’s so overwhelming I can’t see past this right now. I know I will and I am hoping I feel a little better next week. Since the break up on Saturday, I didn’t eat for the first 3 days and today have only managed a very small bowl of soup, I have been being sick but its just stomach acid mostly and the other end isn’t fairing much better. As soon as I think of him I feel it all too much and I feel sick and like I’m going to poop myself (sorry).

I can tell my mum is getting worried and I have looked online so much to check this is normal and that seems to be the general consensus.

I want to show the things I have already done and things I have put in place:

I went to the Doctors on Monday, the day I sent Adrian the email. Doctor has given me a strong anti-depressant Sertraline (I was supposed to be on antidepressants anyway but the last bunch I’ve tried made me very ill) she is confident this is going to help me a lot but will only give me a weeks’ worth at a time so I have to see her weekly, I am actually happy about this.

My doctor has referred me for counselling as requested, though this could take up to 6 weeks to arrange but it’s in place now and I am looking forward to that as right now I do not have much of a release.

I spoke to my debt people about potentially taking a part time job (it’s a risk as none of us know if I can yet hold down a job due to my health so it’s not a permanent decision) and they have confirmed that providing I am not left with additional funds each month then my dro won’t be affected. This is great because if I took a small job, even 5 hours a week it would go straight to Adrian. My benefits entitle me to work up to 16 hours a week so that should be fine.

I have started to help my mum in the house, although this doesn’t impact Adrian it’s something I can do for myself, for my mum and keeps me busy. It’s a distraction and a way I can show him eventually that I am not just sat about moping – I am moping but I’m busy while I am.

Although I am not living with him right now I am trying to get out of the house, walking my mums dogs. It’s difficult at this time as I am so weak from not eating and being sick however I have to try this one step at a time.

This weekend I am going to London with my mum – it’s a history visit, we both love English history and she arranged this as part of my Christmas present. Admittedly I am no longer excited to go, I hope I will enjoy it and I will try my best but it gets me out of the house and another distraction.

I am trying to act normal, it’s hard. I have been avoiding facebook too. We agreed not to delete each other but I can see when he is online and I hate that but I do not want to delete him unless he tells me it is over. I saw in my feed that he had gone to his friends for new years and posted a picture not of himself but the drinks in front of him, It was already planned him going but my god did it set me back just seeing that. So I have snoozed him for 30 days so he doesn’t appear in my news feed.

My mum says I need to be normal on facebook too, I would normally share the odd funny or cute post, or write a post and put up pictures. So this weekend in London I know I will have loads of pictures and I will post them but I don’t want to upset him either.

I am going to try my utmost to regain myself again, I know this will get easier or atleast I keep getting told that or read it online.

But I cannot see past Adrian, I cannot bear the thought of being with anyone else. We have such a wonderful relationship besides what I have done and are generally happy all the time. I love making him smile and its always been easy for me to do that.

I am so in love with him and will do anything I have to but I know I have to make these changes for myself first. I cant risk this happening again so in the words of my mother I need to grow up.

I fully intend to and intend to change a great deal, it will be hard and it will be slow but I sincerely hope that Adrian wants to give me that chance and see the proof of my changes as they happen.

I have already done what he told me he wanted me to do regarding checking about the potential for a job and to sort my doctor stuff out so I need to keep on top of that.

The whole reason for this post is I need advice and opinions on if anyone thinks I really do have a shot of winning him back.

He feels as strongly as I do and you can tell he loves me dearly when he looks at me, but is this too late now? I hope not.

We both want the same things and had many plans – I truly think what we have is worth fighting for and I am willing to put the work in.

I will never forget this experience, regardless if he takes me back or not this has burned itself into my memory exactly the same way my debt weighs on my mind I know I never want or will take out credit – if I can’t afford something simple, I don’t get it.

I hear of so many success stories and they all say the first step is no contact so I am hoping that the time apart and lack of communication (I last messaged him yesterday about the housing thing and I don’t intend to message him again now) will help him heal some of those negative feelings and miss me but I can’t count on that.

I know this is a long post and ofcourse there is plenty more I could go into detail on but I hope this is enough to give some insight my situation.

I am wholly broken hearted but quietly determined to change – I know I can do this and I have to for my own sake as well as his. We are so well matched and compatible that I really feel like we can overcome this.

Please, any help would be greatly appreciated. Also it would be nice to not feel so alone in this. Is this false hope? Are there any other suggestions?

Many thanks

Amy