NSW Premier and part time Uber Eats cyclist Gladys Berejiklian has today pushed back at claims that NSW is falling behind in health legislation, after neighbouring state Victoria introduced new euthanasia laws. Stating that NSW has simply taken a different approach, Premier Berejiklian today explained that the NSW government had simply opted to kill its citizens from the inside instead, and that the whole of Sydney has been successfully devoid of a heartbeat since at least 2012.

“Admittedly, some parts of Sydney are still clinging on to life, like Newtown and the Maccas at central,” continued the Premier, “but rest assured these places are simply on life support for now, and we will be euthanising them with needless red tape in good time.”

The Premier also pointed towards the large number of music festivals the state had successfully put down in recent years. “From Mountain Sounds, to Psyfari, our state is still the number one state when it comes to shutting down fun,” announced the Premier proudly. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some delicious plain brown rice waiting for me back in my office. Bit of a birthday treat to myself.”