Like the playground bully in 3rd grade, I heard my fair share of gay slurs directed towards me. I spent most of my adolescence defending myself against what I truly was. I do not blame my bullies, they were just as ignorant as I. I wasn’t alone in confusion. I feel for the boy I made uncomfortable by saying “you’re cute”. The way he reacted made me feel uncomfortable and I knew what I did wasn’t normal. There was zero understanding. Too young to know our rights from our lefts, let alone someone’s sexuality…

When I hit my preteens, life was rough to say the least. Just like every other sexually frustrated teenager, I wanted to figure out what this thing in my superman boxer briefs did.

I confided in some peers of mine, mostly guys, about some things I was curious about. Sometimes it got me in trouble. Just like every middle school gossip game of telephone, things got around and rumors were spread.

My vulnerability was my biggest enemy. The people I wanted to understand did not. I found myself stuck in a cycle of trust, denial, and disappointment. There were some friends at that time who provided a great source of expression. Some who were in the same boat as me.

Throughout high school I had a better sense of self. I knew I was attracted to guys, however I did not make that known to anyone. There was one person in my life that made me feel normal. We would stay up nearly every night talking, confiding in each other secrets that only we would know. On weekends we would stay at either one of our houses and enjoy sleepless nights with prank calls and blanketing the neighbors yards with toilet paper. Although there were differences in the way we thought, he treated me like a brother and am thankful for that.

My time in high school came and went. College hit me like a freight train and the next thing I knew, I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 6 fellow Ventura College athletes. I wanted a fresh start, and for some reason moving into a crowded, loud, busy, party filled apartment was the way to do that. Almost immediately I made connections with two fine gentlemen named Mitchell and Alec. Our long nights playing smash bros and drinking brews are some of the most simple and best memories I have. I still hadn’t told them that I had found guys attractive, and hadn’t fully come to the understanding that I was gay.

One night, my insomnia kicked in along with a huge load of life reflectance and deep thoughts. I walked into the bathroom my roommate and I shared and I stared at myself in the mirror for what must have been an hour. I stared straight into my own eyes. I remember noticing my light brown eyes for the first time. Acknowledging the beauty I saw in my own eyes. Immediately, I broke into tears. My thought was this, “How am I just now noticing the details of my eyes? What else am I missing?” Continuing to stare into my tear filled eyes, I was overwhelmed with a feeling clarity. I realized, just like my eyes, detailed and unique, I am my own person. I didn’t have to continue pretending to be someone I wasn’t…

The next day I had an urge to tell someone. I knew Alec and Mitch were trust worthy, I just wasn’t sure how they would react. So instead of telling them face to face, I texted Alec and said I had something to tell him. After beating around the bush for long enough, I told him that I liked guys. I don’t remember what he said word for word, but it was along the lines of “cool dude, proud of you”. I was instantly overwhelmed with pride and joy. I was proud of myself, ecstatic that I still had my best homie, and wanted to continue sharing this part of me with people.

I found that it was easier to tell people whom I didn’t really know rather than my close family and friends. It took one of my closest friends calling me out for not telling her to finally admit it. I KNEW she would be fine with it, but I felt like I had been lying to her throughout our friendship, and I was nervous to tell her the truth. Within the next 6 months every close family member and friend knew the truth about who I was. With every person I told, I felt relief. I began to get to know myself and what I had been shelling up for 18 years.

To this day I still find myself not being outspoken about who I am. But I do this on purpose. I do not believe being gay defines who I am. I would like someone to get to know my being rather than judge me because of what I like. When I moved into my first college dorm at Colorado Mesa, I did not tell my suite mates about my sexuality. Rather, we got to know each other and discovered differences in one another’s life. Differences we were able to share and educate the other on. Later on in the semester one of my suite mates offered to set up a date with this girl for me. She seemed great and pretty, but just not my type ;). I told him thanks, but I prefer to date guys. The shocked look on his face was priceless. I wasn’t sure what his next move was going to be, but I sure as hell didn’t think it would have been what he did. He began to talk about this guy he knew who I might like and have stuff in common with.

It was the coolest and one of the most humbling experiences I have had thus far. After the shock of what I said, he went back to treating me like a bro and wingman like we were for each other all semester.

Sometimes I catch myself saying things without caring who is listening. I guess I’m just living the way I want to live now, not caring about the stereotype or stigma. I am my own person. I love who I am, and I understand those who don’t. I’m not here to rub my lifestyle in your face. I’m not here to make you feel uncomfortable or change your mind. However, I AM here to fight for my right to to be to be me, just like you. I AM here to make sure my family are safe and supported, and future family to grow up better than I did, just like you. I AM here to lend a voice to someone who can’t be heard, just like you. At one point in my life I did not have the information I have today. For me, learning new things has helped me grow into the person I am today. I hope to continue to learn about myself and others and love one because of our differences. This life is too short to tell other people how to live their lives. Live yours to the fullest and love the life you live. I do 🙂

With much love,

Tyler