I have received everything a man shall need for life. In a shoebox.

First, the bacon tablets for water. If ever there was a dull thing to drink, it was water. Now, I can proudly drink my water like a man again!

Once I was done with the water, I noticed a strange growth on my face. The masculine beverage had spawned an equally masculine mustache on my upper lip. Not only that, but it was also filled with small candies!

Now, I was in a small quandary. I could lessen my manhood and enjoy the candies, or I could maintain the mustache proudly. It was a difficult choice, but there was another gift in the box that would assist me with this decision. I quickly assembled it and presented it with my query, "Shall I remove this mustache to enjoy the tasty candies?" Some time later, after carefully weighing all the consequences, it delivered it's answer. "Definitely." So be it, and thus, this gift was enjoyed.