Wait, what? Serious You Guys?

Oh, the delusional Amanda Marcotte is at it again. Ace of Spades explains:

You may think I'm exaggerating; I'm not. @amandamarcotte's constant refrain is that men are anti-choice because… — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

…all we want to do is "Control Women's Sexuality," deny them consequence-free sex, and force them to have our babies, which obsess us. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

She literally posits are world in which men are Baby-Crazy and women are all like, "Nah, can't we just do oral?" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

.@amandamarcotte, discussing someone *not* named "Amanda Marcotte:" "The note of persecution is painful." Inded. http://t.co/btlIjolZVi — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

Warning: Marcotte’s writing is not safe for sanity. The real war on women? It’s perpetrated by “feminists” like Ms. Marcotte. But, no worries! Ace of Spades is here to graciously teach her something about the facts of life.

btw, by tweeting that I have shown my desire to "control her sexuality" or something — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

They cancelled Firefly just so men could force women into being unwilling broodmares for their evilseed. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

All men see when they direct the Male Gaze at a woman is a playpen and colorful mobile. Because that's all we want from women: Toddlers. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

These damn men with their never-ending obsession with consequence-full sex, childbirth, motherhood, and what color wallpaper for the nursery — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

everyone knows that what a man wants from a relationship is marriage and babies, right? I mean, obviously. We're notorious for that. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

So to get that, we have to "Control the Sexuality" of women who don't want anything but a quick bout of gratification and maybe some bisque — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

it's the most bizarre ideologically-based inversion of reality I've ever seen. I'm not saying men don't wnat children… — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

..but what kind of strange world does she live in where she thinks men's primary goal in sex is child-rearing? — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

Life is hard!

Ace and his fellow hilarious happy warriors continued to teach Ms. Marcotte some valuable lessons. They also delved into her delusional mind and plucked out some pick-up lines. Get ready to weep with laughter:

"Look at that rack… I'd like to see THAT eight months pregnant!" WTF? — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

"Nice ass…I'd like to set her career back by three years, if you know what I'm sayin'" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

For men, Third Base = Picking out a name — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

"Nice legs… I'd like to see THOSE behind a stroller, if you know what I'm talkin' about and I think you do" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ Sometimes when I'm lonely, I furiously buy diapers at Target. Then I take a nap. — Jeb Bos (@BigJebBos) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ What're you wearing under that? I hope it's maternity friendly. — Tad Karpis (@tkarpis) August 4, 2013

When we have breakfast in the morning, do you want me to call you on the phone, or just meet at my OB/GYN's? — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ One of my guy friends is stressing because he keeps having sex with this girl, but she's super non-committal — Some things matter (@EvanDMyers) August 4, 2013

@EvanDMyers oldest story in a world, dudes just want that Baby and girls are all like, hit it and quit it — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ "You know what would go good with those shoes, girl? A mid-wife." — PrivilegedGreg (@murgatr0id) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ When my girlfriend is out, I poke holes in her diaphragm with a safety pin. — Ben (@BenK84) August 4, 2013

Hey @AceofSpadesHQ, I looked at @AmandaMarcotte's TL and there's lots of talk about "Dr. Who." Why is she buying his patriarchal paradigm? — Kurt Schlichter (@KurtSchlichter) August 4, 2013

@KurtSchlichter @AmandaMarcotte probably just an escape from all the guys who want her to give them Blue-Eyed Racist Sons — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

.@AceofSpadesHQ -In the baby food section of Walmart right now…. Gettin' my fix. — ConservativeInsurgnt (@die_mich_zwei) August 4, 2013

I know some of you think I'm joking, but I'm not. This is the claim she makes, more or less literally, every day. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

Women just want to skip and frolic and have some good hit it/quit it sex, and men are essentially chaining them down saying "GIVE ME SONS!!" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ "… and I was all like, 'You're just pleasuring me to avoid discussing the whole purpose of sex: Procreation." — ryuge (@0ryuge) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ I know when I'm having sex with a woman, I'm totally thinking about how awesome it's going to be to pay child support. — Dino Yiannopoulos (@CrankyTRex) August 4, 2013

.@AceofSpadesHQ "Hey, baby, what's your name? You can call me 'bassinet', because I can totally see myself in your delivery room." — Tim Shutters (@TimShutters) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ Who didn’t have a bunch of 1970s “Parenting” back issues stashed away as a teenager? — Bill Kunz ⚾ (@billkunz) August 4, 2013

https://twitter.com/Amyatbeach/status/364169290536075264

@AceofSpadesHQ I have a basement full of back issues of Modern Groom magazine. But you know what they say, "Always an usher…" — AgainstTrumpDude (@TheAmishDude) August 4, 2013

After a date, my buds are like "So did you get (puts one finger through hole made of other forefinger and thumb) Engaged?" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

sorry that was a good joke I thought but it took a bunch of tries. Sort of like impregnating women when I get Baby Fever which is always. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

You know why men like boobs? They remind us of baby rattles. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

Yeah, that’s the ticket! In insane Marcotte-ville. Bazongas? More like babies-on-yas.

https://twitter.com/cactusncarolina/status/364171157538627584

men have a saying: "Crazy with the bras, crazy at LeMaas" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

Every dude's reaction on finding out his girlfriend flunked her pregnnacy test: "Damn! Soclose!" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

saw the hottest girl the other day. I turned to my friend and said, "She looks like she knows how to, uh, Rock a Cradle, know what I mean?" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ I liked to slip fertility pills into my GF's coke when she wasn't looking. — CoolCzech (@CoolCzech1) August 4, 2013

soooooo many "Dudeflick" movies are about maternity & weddings — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

The other thing men love about pregnancy is the big drop in sex after childbirth. We're all like, "Whoa, FINALLY, that's out of the way!" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 4, 2013

https://twitter.com/1JezusFreak/status/364173397082652673

@AceofSpadesHQ I saw a totally hot chick the other day. She had on hot mu-mu and a pair of CFM shoes. (Comfortable For Maternity) — AgainstTrumpDude (@TheAmishDude) August 4, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ oh boy, yeah, more time for knitting — Matt Dawson (@SaintRPh) August 4, 2013

https://twitter.com/Drake_Stones/status/364173891247149056

@AceofSpadesHQ To try to break the cycle TV edits all those Maury shows but the guy is actually celebrating when he is the father. — Does not matter (@Furbysbadday) August 5, 2013

the most erotic films ever made were Look Who's Talking and Look Who's Talking Too. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ let's not forget 3 Men and a Baby. Classic erotica. — MsShakes (@MomMilkshake) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ Them boobies…great for feeding my children. — Carla (@ChuckieMom1) August 5, 2013

@ChuckieMom1 yup, all we can think is "Those sure look nutritious for the next generation" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ before we went out to bars me and my buddies would meet up at Babies R Us to remind us of our mission — InLemaireWeTrust (@TrustInJacques) August 5, 2013

When men see a nice pair they all think the same thing: "That's going to help Us economize on formula for Child" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ I can't tell you how often I find my hubby late at night watching our videos of me giving birth #pregnancyporn — Jenn (@jenndeedee) August 5, 2013

Hugh Hefner originally produce Playboy as a babies-and-wedding-gowns magazine but it was banned in 30 states as obscene, so changed format — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

The original Playboy symbol was a Stork — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ DTF really stands for Diapers, Teething, Formula. — Thomas S. (@tsluf273) August 5, 2013

Men have a saying about sex: "Five minutes of regret, but then a lifetime of Joy" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ Getting up at 4 AM to give a baby it's bottle and change a shitty diaper is all I think about. — THE Dread Pirate Ron (@RonD1954) August 5, 2013

I hate these NBA players going from town to town deliberately lying to women about their own fertility to "Seal the Deal" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ Why buy the milk when you can get a whole cow? — WMBC (@MoonbatCatnip) August 5, 2013

riff-closer RT @MoonbatCatnip 1m @AceofSpadesHQ Why buy the milk when you can get a whole cow? — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

That was a win, but luckily that wasn’t the end of the riff.

You look good tonight honey. You know what would make you look even better? Stretch pants. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

men are so superficial. We see a girl and our only thought, our ONLY thought, is "Would she make a good caregiver?" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

Look at the mouth and lips on that one. I bet she's good at teaching Phonix. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

Once I dated a girl whose dad owned a Bed, Bath, & Beyond and I was like "Am I dreaming?" — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

same argument in every house: Wife wants a Porsche, husband wants a roomy Volvo station wagon to ferry around the soccer team — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ I can't wait for the yearly Sports Illustrated Maternity issue. — THE Dread Pirate Ron (@RonD1954) August 5, 2013

One time I had sex with a girl who was On The Pill, but I didn't like it. I could barely feel anything, emotionally. — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

men only attempt late-night booty calls because we know women hit peak fertility at 2 am — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

I'm sick of rappers bragging about how many bassinets they own — Everyone's Famous (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 5, 2013

Sides. Aching.

The best thing Amanda Marcotte has ever done is inspire that riff. So, there’s that!

Related:

Full Twitchy coverage of Amanda Marcotte

Full Twitchy coverage of Ace of Spades