A Year Out

An Introspection in Pictures.

It was exactly 1 year ago today that I revealed to my wife that I was transgender. While photos might lead one to think that this has been a simple process, I can assure you it has been anything but simple. Transition is absolutely a challenge for the individual, but it’s also a massive challenge for spouses and family. Pictures can paint a pretty picture, but beneath the superficial nature of these images lies the real story. The one where a couple have struggled daily to reaffirm their commitment to each other and that any successful relationship isn’t achievable without unconditional love.

During this past year I have been faced with seeing images such as these on our walls. Some came down quickly, others still linger. The images encapsulate a life built on shame, and inner turmoil. But they are also a reflection of a person my wife loved, a man I loathed and hated with the core of my whole being. Invariably, what this means is that as I have been transitioning, my wife had to watch her lover slip away. Pictures coming down are a reminder of what’s been lost, and for her it’s like having a wound repeatedly ripped open.

The pain of my transition is two-fold for me. Reconciling who I was, with who I need to be is a challenge, and seeing these old images are a constant reminder of a past that will always haunt me. But the pain I see in my wife’s eyes every time I seek to take down one of these physical mementos from our walls is excruciating. In nearly every instance I fall into ideations; in those moments, death is a more comforting thought than the continued pain she’s made to bear.

So why would I leave this here? My past, and our past isn’t something that I can arbitrarily break ties with. It will forever be a part of who we both are. The physical pictures will come down in due time. But I leave them here as tribute; an acknowledgement of what was and will never be gone. Something permanent for her to see, something that shows the world that my love for her didn’t begin on August 27th 2016, but rather the day I was born. My love for her existed before we’d ever met.