BANGS: The Movie

In the latest collaboration between Jennifer Lawrence and Francis Lawrence (no relation…or so they say), who previously directed her in several installments of The Hunger Games franchise, Lawrence (Jennifer, not Francis) plays a woman with BANGS. As a Russian ballerina who’s sent to “whore school” and then becomes a spy or something (I dosed a lot), Lawrence (Jennifer again) gives a restrained performance — unlike her BANGS, which chew up all the scenery, quite literally, because if you see this movie in theaters, there will be times when the BANGS are at least 10 feet tall and just as wide, devouring all kinds of buildings and vegetation.

The film takes place in Russia and Budapest, where it’s uncommon for natives to speak English with one another, yet most of the characters, including Lawrence’s (Jennifer) speak perfect English with a light accent in order to remind us that they are not American. Lawrence’s (Jen) BANGS don’t have an accent, but if they did it would be as thick as the hair that comprises them (extremely).

Throughout this nearly two and a half hour film (JK it’s for sure a movie), it was hard to follow what Lawrence’s (J Law) character was doing becuase I was either asleep or distracted by her BANGS. One thought that occurred to me several times while watching the film (JK) was: wow, those are some serious BANGS. Does Lawrence (talking about Jennifer) give a good performance? I can’t say because her BANGS are in her eyes the entire time, obscuring her emotions and making it impossible to focus on anything else.

One thing I can say for sure about Lawrence’s (Jenny) character is that she changes over the course of the film (JK), which I know because in the beginning her BANGS are brown, but about halfway through she dyes them blond, which represents a shift in her character and makes her BANGS possibly even more distracting. Another thing I can say for sure is that in a small role, Mary-Louise Parker completely steals the film (JK) from everyone else, even Lawrence’s (Academy Award winner Jennifer) BANGS.

Ultimately, Lawrence (Francis this time) has made a long ass film (JK) about BANGS with some muddled geopolitical undertones that thinks it’s more insightful about gender dynamics and female sexuality than it actually is. While you should expect to see plenty of action and some gruesome violence, the one thing you shouldn’t expect to see is Lawrence’s (JENNIFER!) eyes. Because you won’t. Because of her BANGS.

RATING: 5 out of 5 BANGS, 0 stars