My friend and I were talking about temperature scarves, and how pointless they are. Want to knit stripes? Just knit stripes - you don’t need a thermometer to dictate what stripes you should knit. Want a record of your ambient temperature? Weather Underground has this information, by city, for every day going back to the 1970s. The same internet that enables people to use Ravelry also gives them access to this data.

Then I said “if people want a knitted record of some daily event, it should be something more important than temperature. Like their poop or something”. And there it was, The Idea.

So skip the temperature chart - your weatherman knows what the temperature is. Use the Bristol Stool Chart to knit a poop record.

The Bristol Scarf can be knit as a scarf, a wrap, or a blanket. Bring it with you to your gastroenterologist’s office, so he or she can see how your gut health has been. Use it as a conversation piece: “see this section? That was my trip to Mexico!”. Make one for your child, then present it to him or her as an heirloom wedding gift. See how your diet can change your knitting.

DISCLAIMER: This pattern is meant to be humorous. Readers are advised to take it in the spirit in which it is intended, and are implored to accept my apologies for any offense taken (I happen to think poop is funny). Most importantly, DO NOT ACTUALLY ATTEMPT TO ALTER YOUR BOWEL HABITS FOR THE SAKE OF A KNITTING PROJECT.

No pattern support is available for this pattern - I ain’t your gastroenterologist. This pattern has not been test-knit (nobody wanted to).

I apologize if this pattern, and its subject matter, offends anyone. If it does, consider using the “mature content” filter in the future.

Addendum, 5/13/2018: Yesterday, I saw that this humble little pattern was on page five of the “Hot Right Now” list, and that gave me a happy little giggle. Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and found it on page one! Let’s just say I almost had to hurry up and knit two rows of orange. Thank you, Ravelers, for your sense of humor! -K

Addendum, 5/14/2018: OMG. Poop Scarf is on Facebook now. It figures - some people go viral because they save babies from burning buildings or some crap like that. I go viral for designing a scarf about shit.