What is an effective parental response to a 13 year old teenage girl who is using Facebook to post pictures of herself in her bra? To a teenager who has done similar postings several times prior, in spite of parental lectures and her mom taking away the girl's computer?

Take a look at this video, and decide for yourself. I'll then give you my reaction.

Here's my view of whether this parenting method is to be lauded or labeled abusive.

On the one hand, I respect that this mother, Val Starks, truly does want to save her daughter from "making bad decisions."

Val used that phrase in one of her multiple TV interviews about her way of trying to get her daughter back in line. Val herself, she says, had made a bad decision in her younger years, a decision to involve herself in the illegal sales business. That bad decision landed her in prison. Even worse, her prison record has made finding a job next to impossible (any readers in Denver, or elsewhere, who could offer her work?).

On the other hand, what Val and many of the over-10-million Facebook viewers of the video of her lecture to her daughter considered effective , I would call abusive parenting.

Here's why I regard Val Starks's way of trying to help her daughter as emotionally and verbally abusive:

1. and shaming cause to the child. This is emotional abuse. This Facebook humiliation and shaming is so overboard that is likely to cause her daughter to rebel further, as well as to hate her mother forever.

2. The lecture uses personal information about the daughter to disgrace her. Bringing up personal information such as about her daughter's underwear and toileting habits is way out of bounds for any parenting lecture, never mind one that will then be used for a public shaming. This is verbal and emotional abuse.

3. When the daughter begins to cry, the mother angrily tells her "Don't cry!" Don't feel what you feel. This is a classic emotional abuse technique.

4. The lecture is sadistic and controlling, forcing the daughter to say and do things that make the daughter feel terrible. This again is emotional and verbal abuse.

What would be a more effective and humane parenting strategy?

1. Sit down with the daughter and express the concern and dismay you felt when you first saw the Facebook post of her in the bra and claiming to be 19.

2. Explain your concerns about the men who now are trying to contact her.

3. Ask the daughter what, if she looks in the best possible light at what she thought she was doing, was she trying to accomplish. Did she want ? Did she want a boyfriend? Does she feel ? Neglected? Ignored?

4. Talk with her daughter with the two of you brain-storming together about alternative ways to accomplish the same positive . For instance, how about arranging for her to go to modeling school? (Any readers here who have contacts with a Denver modeling school?)

5. Share with her daughter about the mistakes the mom herself made in her teenage years, the consequences from them, and how much, because she loves her daughter, she wants to spare her daughter similar bad consequences.

6. Tell her daughter how much she loves her, and ask her daughter what she herself might do differently that might help her daughter to never again do a Facebook post that shows herself in a compromised light.

7. If her daughter has felt unloved and/or abused in the past, to her, genuinely. Explain how her own mother used to treat her the same way, and how she herself had reacted then. Explain that if she had known a better "discipline" method, she would have used that instead.

8. Explain that the humiliating Facebook picture was genuinely meant to be helpful, but that she understands now that there are better ways to help her daughter. Hug her, and tell her again how deeply you love her.

What can all of us learn from this Facebook post?

The biggest lessons for me are:

1. In a poll taken by foxnews31 in Denver, 80% of the viewers regarded Val's Facebook-posted lecture as good "tough love" parenting. Clearly too many people in our society do not recognize parenting when they see it. This lecture was not effective parenting. It was classic abusive parenting.

2. I do believe that Val was genuinely trying to do the best for her daughter. Our society has let both of them down by not teaching parenting skills to adolescents, college students, new parents, and parents whose children are showing signs of family .

High schools could teach the how-to's of parenting. While they are at it, they also could be teaching collaborative communication skills for sustaining a healthy and success in workplace relationships.

Colleges could offer courses that study research on effective and ineffective parenting and their consequences. How is it that our college students learn about Chinese history and art but never learn how to raise a healthy next generation of American children?

Most importantly, pediatricians and preschool teachers could play an especially key role in identification of parents who would benefit from parenting classes. A recent Colorado Public Radio special report highlights skills they could be teaching, skills being emphasized by researcher Sarah Watamura, director of the Child Health and Development Lab at the University of Denver.

The following skill, for instance, could have made all the difference for Val Starks both if her own mother had been able to pay attention to her in this way, and if she knew to communicate with her daughter in this manner:

...the way a child develops their brain is through a concept called "serve and return." Basically, all day long, your child is serving a ball to you. "You have to pick up on those cues and make an appropriate return,” says Watamura. “That back and forth, that give and take is what’s helping them connect..."

When a mom (or dad) does not pick up on a child's attempts to communicate, the child feels invisible and builds a longing to be noticed. Could this have been the missing parenting piece that Val experienced growing up, and then passed on to her own daughter, so that both of them sought attention via Facebook?

3. When a child is suffering parental emotional abuse, where can she or he turn for help? Social services only treats physical abuse. If teachers see the emotional scars that signify emotional abuse, what can they do that would be helpful.

The comments to an earlier article I wrote on verbal abuse of children clarified for me the dire needs of these children and at the same time the dearth of resources to help them.

What will come of this Facebook posting?

My profound hope is that the curse of this Facebook example of parental emtional abuse will be turned into a blessing. May all readers emerge with increased understanding of what emotional abuse is. May you all think about what you personally can do if any child or teenager you know is possibly having to cope with this kind of poignantly and powerfully toxic version of parenting "discipline."

And may you post this article and others by people with similar views on your Facebook pages!

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Denver psychologist Susan Heitler, PhD is author of multiple materials to help people learn how to handle difficult situations with humane, collaborative and effective communication skills. See her books, her free audio podcasts, and her interactive skills-coaching program to assess whether your parenting and partnering skills could use an upgrade.

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