All in all, Marcin Gortat is a pretty good NBA center. He's big, he's strong, he's got pretty nimble feet for his size. He sets devastating screens, he's an outstanding finisher rolling to the hoop, he's generally OK at being in the right place defensively. He also happens to be a ludicrously enormous and quite terrifying Eastern European man. Look at him. Look at his scary Meg Mucklebones nose, his big heavy awning of a brow. Look at his arms! Those things are bigger than my kids. They're bigger than my legs! Marcin Gortat's arms are scary as hell.


Still, when people talk about terrifying NBA ogres, ol' Gordo tends not to come up in the discussion. It's all, oh, Nikola Pekovic tears car doors off for scary Montenegrin gangsters, and Ivan Johnson could pull my head off like it was nothing, and Pero Antic literally eats babies and I can't even look at him without sobbing and puking. Gortat, by contrast, I dunno, maybe he comes off docile? Good-natured? Like a self-aware goober just playin' basketball, drivin' an armored Humvee, and havin' a good-ass time?

No more. Marcin Gortat has a mohawk now; now, Marcin Gortat is a fucking nightmare.


Look at that badass hair. No one stands between a mohawked Eastern European giant and the hoop. How will the Wizards ever lose again? They will never lose again. The Wizards literally will never lose again.

Here is some footage of Marcin Gortat operating in the post with his new hair:


Oh man. Try defending that shit, suckers.

[DC Sports Bog]

Top image by Jim Cooke