You lie awake in bed at night dreaming of coming up with stories that are half this good. And this one is absolutely true.

A learner driver in South Australia will have to front the Magistrates Court on drink driving offences, after his appeal to the Supreme Court to have his case classified as “trifling” was thrown out.

In February of last year, Timothy Withrow was at his home in Port Willunga to the south of Adelaide. Through reasons or actions that are unknown, but point towards some fairly legendary behaviour, Withrow suffered a wound from a chainsaw.

He called the Noarlunga Hospital and Flinders Medical Centre, but was told they were extremely busy and that he would not be able to receive treatment for his wound – described as “gaping” – for around 10 hours.

Here’s where shit starts getting particularly gnarly.

Fearing the wound would become infected, Withrow used a needle and FISHING LINE on himself to stitch the wound closed. Not having antiseptic in the house, he then flushed the wound with GIN INSTEAD, and then proceeded to manage his pain levels by drinking the rest of the gin.

Assessing that he still required medical assistance, and because he was unable to contact his wife, he then decided to drive himself to hospital. And that’s when he was pulled over by Police after failing to stop at a Stop Sign, subsequently blowing 0.175. This resulted in an immediate disqualification of his license and being charged with a raft of drink driving offences, including failing to stop and breaching conditions of the learners permit.

But whilst Withrow pleaded guilty, he sought to have the issue classified as trifling – a legal precedent in South Australia that can overturn or mitigate penalties for drink driving and traffic cases in rare circumstances. Which meant the matter skipped the Magistrate and landed in the Supreme Court. But Supreme Court Justice Kevin Nicholson was hearing none of it, dismissing Withrow’s appeal and sending the matter back to the Magistrates Court to be dealt with.

Just to recap here.

My man nearly slices himself in half with a chainsaw.

Stitches the wound closed HIMSELF using goddamned FISHING LINE.

Washes it with gin, then necks the rest of the bottle.

Decides “Actually, this is bad” and drives himself to the hospital pissed out of his brains.

Only gets pulled up because he rolled through a Stop Sign, of all things.

Blows the absolute arse-end out of the breatho.

And STILL has the gall to not cop the license DQ because “FUCK YOU, THERE’S DAYLIGHT SHINING THROUGH MY LEG.”

I know you absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, condone drink driving in any form or fashion.

But holy mother of christ. Say it with me, kids!

OSS. TRAY. LEE. AH.

via ABC News.