SOUTH BEND, IN—Triumphantly celebrating victory with an adoring crowd of supporters, vindictive former Democratic presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar was elected mayor of South Bend, IN, sources confirmed Thursday. “South Bend has taken a step into a bright new day by finally electing a leader it deserves, and I’m here to help heal this broken city,” said the newly elected Mayor Klobuchar, relishing the crowd’s applause as confetti rained down over her shoulders. “When touring across America, I saw no city that had been more mistreated and dismissed by its local officials than South Bend. I promise you, I will work tirelessly to overturn the mistakes of the previous administration. We’ll be destroying the river walk and the smart sewer system and ending the Commuters Trust—all wastes of taxpayer money. You deserve a mayor who doesn’t abandon you to fly to other states that he has no chance of winning, or take time away from focusing on your welfare to criticize the intelligence of dedicated, experienced senators. Congratulations, South Bend, your eight-year nightmare is finally over.” At press time, Klobuchar’s administration had convicted 80% of the city’s black population.

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