As Ontario took yet another step back in time – to a simpler era where serfs knew their place, as well as how much of their labour was owed in dues, and how to avert their eyes when the noblemen Escaladed amongst them, promising that they were for the people – Doug Ford remained adamant in saying that if people wanted guaranteed income, they should get off their ass and be born into a wealthy family the same way he was.

“Folks. Money doesn’t just grow on trees,” the noted arborist – and current premier of Ontario – said, reading haltingly from his cue cards. “It is put into your account by your mom and dad every Friday like mine was. If you don’t have a mom and dad with a lot of money that is sad. But I can’t help that. What I can do is buy you a beer. For a dollar. Thank you.”

The premier’s moving speech was delivered after Lisa Macleod, Ontario’s newest Minister Of Returning To A Feudalistic Society, informed the province that her government was cancelling the basic income trial program mid-stride, because, “That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, we like it.”

Hearing of incidents in which those already involved in the pilot project have enrolled in schools, signed up for skill-acquisition programs, and made plans to live some semblance of a realized life if that’s ok with everyone else, Premier Ford doubled-down.

“Look guys, when my wife’s cooking in the kitchen and she needs a dish to hold her scallions, she uses something called a ramekin. Not a ramecan’t. You know what I’m saying?” Sensing that the large crowd of reporters did not, in fact, know what he was saying, the premier confidently continued.

“It’s basics people. You got your haves, and you got your have-nots. That’s as old as people borrowing land from knights in exchange for giving them the bulk of what they grew on that land. Why did that system die out?” The premier nodded to Macleod to look into it. He then returned his attention to a text from his investment adviser. And only when that was complete, finished his thought.

“Let me put it as simply as I can: tax cuts for the wealthy aren’t cheap. Neither is underwriting gas prices to encourage everyone to forget that climate change malarky. And dollar beers don’t pay for themselves. Luckily for you though, I’m buying. But don’t thank me. Thank my dad.”

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