The first time I witnessed M stand up against a bully was terrifying. Not because he did it but because of my own embarrassment. Before this happened, I had told him to fight back, but I never understood what it meant. However, I realized it that bright December day as M joined a group of his friends on a large pile of snow after the school day.

From what I could see, he was playing well, sitting at the bottom of the snow pile, slowly building a wall of snow at the base. He glanced up at the children above him and a shadow passed over his face.

As I quickly made my way over, I heard several boys at the top of the hill taunting him, “M! You should go into the parking lot and get killed by a car.” “Yeah, M. You should go and kill yourself.”

I gasped in horror, my pace increasing as I tried to reach the hill to stop the bullying. A few steps from the hill, one of M’s frequent bullies grabbed a large boulder of ice, over twice the size of M’s head, and threw it at him. It hit him squarely in the forehead. I glanced around at the other parents who were closer to the group and ground my teeth as they simply stared at the children.

Before I could get to M, he ground out, “That’s it,” so quietly I barely heard him and then he lunged up the hill. I screamed his name as he pushed the kid over and placed his arm across his chest. His freehand clenched into a fist; he began punching the kid in the stomach, head and shoulders. The parents who had stood there during the bullying glared at me as I scrambled up the hill and grabbed him. I pulled him to the car, aware of every dirty look the other parents were giving me and started reprimanding him for his actions.

I broke my promise. I had told M that if he had ever stood up for himself like that, I would not be mad, but I was. I was mad at him for fighting; I was mad at the bully for what he did, and I was mad at the parents who had stood there watching all of this happening. I was furious that they were judging M and not the children who were bullying.

Like every parent, I made a mistake, and I apologized to M for it. I reminded him that I wasn’t mad about him fighting back and that I understood why he did. I am aware of what I had chosen to do. I had entered that age old debate of whether you should teach a child to turn the other cheek or teach them to fight back. It is a question that many parents ask when their children are being bullied – should I tell my child to hit the bully back?

Before I go into the debate, I want to start with a bit of my background. I am, or rather was, an Early Childhood Educator. I graduated with honours in Early Childhood Education. Through my courses, I learned conflict resolution for children. This entailed telling the teacher, problem solving with the other child and a hundred other ways to problem solve a conflict. In all of those situations, I have never once promoted hitting; however, as a parent, when all those fail safes have not worked, I found myself telling both my children, “If the bully hits you, hit him back.”

It went against everything that I had been taught and everything that I have taught children in my classroom. There are pros and cons to standing up to a bully, but it is a choice that you have to make as a parent. If you do choose to have your child use physical defense against a bully, then there are a few things you need to do with your child.

Number One: Identify the Use

First, identify when it should be used. My kids know that fighting is used when nothing else works and only when there is physical violence towards them. This does need to be changed depending on the situation. For instance, G was physically bullied during grade 2 and grade 3. By the end of grade 3, we had had enough with the schools and enrolled both kids in Kung Fu. We then told G to fight back if, and only if, he was hit first. G spent most of grade 4 in fights with various bullies and quickly became the kid that stood up for all of his peers who were being bullied.

The bullies stopped physically hurting him and began to use social and verbal bullying against him. At that point, we took a lesson from the bullies and G told them if they continued to bug him, he would beat them up. It was a horrible thing to hear him say, but the bullies never tested it. They left him alone and even to this day; he walks with a certain confidence that keeps people from bullying him.

With your own children, you need to identify when it is acceptable. Make sure that it is not the go to defense or reaction against the bully. Start with conflict resolutions your school has in place. Make sure that you check your school as they all use different bullying initiatives. M’s school uses Kelso’s Choice. Be clear with your child that the initiative, such as Kelso’s Choice, should be used first. My rule of thumb with fighting a bully is that the bully has to make the first attack. After that, my child is allowed to fight.

Number Two: Be Clear to the School

Trust me, if you do not tell the school, your child will. Let the school know that you allow your child to fight back if he is bullied. This works in two ways. One, it helps minimize the damage that fighting can cause with the school. Two, it makes the school more vigilant.

When I first let the school know, I told them the facts in a calm manner. I went to the principal and had a quick meeting with her. I outlined the bullying, the physical evidence of bullying, and I told her how the kids had permission to defend themselves if the teachers were not going to protect them from bullying.

The first fight G was in, I was pulled into the office, and the exact words used were, “G isn’t in trouble per se…” I nodded, told her she knew my feelings on it; asked if the child was hurt, the reason for the fight and reminded her of our rule. Nothing occurred with G, but we were prepared for a suspension.

Number Three: Be Prepared for the Consequences

As I mentioned, I was prepared for a suspension when my oldest had his first fight, and it is extremely important to be prepared for it as well. Talk to your child about what could happen and make it clear how you will react. If you are telling him that he can fight the bully, be clear that you won’t be upset about a suspension. With my own children, I stress that they are not to start the fight. If they start it, then there will be a consequence to the suspension; if they don’t, then it is just a day off school. The only exception I made to that was when G was being verbally and socially bullied.

When you encourage your child to stand up against a bully, make sure that you provide him with the tools to do so. Sign him or her up for self defense classes or something that will give your child the confidence to stand up. Trust me, it is a big step and can be terrifying for the child to make.