TEHRAN, IRAN—Slamming critics in the wake of the government’s violent crackdown on mass demonstrations, President Hassan Rouhani attacked activists trying to come up with a protester body count Monday for being complete dorks obsessed with numbers. “Not only are these allegations baseless but anyone trying to compile an accurate death toll is a huge nerd who needs to get a fucking life,” said Rouhani, who noted that regardless of whether 100, 200, or 500 protesters were slaughtered by security forces, they’re all just stupid numbers that only a bunch of socially inept weirdos would care about anyway. “Sure, at least a few people died, but it’s super lame to get caught up counting them. I’ve seen people go as far as making charts with statistics and names, and it’s, like, who gives a shit? No one wants to watch you brainiacs spazzing out about a bunch of annoying facts and figures. How about you try going outside and holding a pro-government demonstration for once?” Rouhani added that if these losers didn’t shut the fuck up soon, he would have to impose an Internet blackout once again.

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