Impact Wrestling Report 8/20/14.

By John Thome twitter.com/john1980star

August 20th, 2014

Who am I? Unknown stand-up/sketch comedian (youtube.com/19eightystar). Life long pro wrestling fan. Short sentence & parentheses enthusiast. Poor grammarian (any editors out there?).

Why? I enjoy pro wrestling and I find this kind of stuff fun. I’m trying to write more and this is something I’ve been wanting to do. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, I’m respectful of all opinions even if I don’t agree. Have an issue with me or the report? Ideas & suggestions? Hit me up at john1980star@gmail.com or previous mentioned twitter account (cheap plug.)

And I know I’m in the minority here, but I enjoy Impact Wrestling. I enjoy Impact Wrestling more than WWE Raw. Do I think Impact is a finished product? No. But I think it is improving and has more potential to be enjoyable pro wrestling for adults (specifically: me.)

To the show!

Hardcore Justice.

Manhattan Center: New York City.

#StairwayToJanice

The newly announced pregnant Christy Hemme introduces us to Bram vs. Abyss in the #StairwayToJanice match. Janice is a black 2X4 with nails going through it, for you very few new viewers. They’re mad & they’re brawling, you know mad because they’re doing a whole lot of screamin’. Abyss with a Belly-2-Belly suplex onto the ladder. The brawl continues outside, Bram’s all up in Abyss’s biznass with some trash can shots to the dome. Bram gets opened up and the blood is flowing. They’re back in the ring where Abyss has the #BarbwireBoard set up in the corner. In a big spot Abyss chokeslams Bram off the top of the ladder.

(Sidenote: Does anyone else dislike Janice? Looks bad. Looks corny. Super anti-climatic when used. Sigh.)

Abyss grabs the bag of tacks that are conveniently hanging out under the ring (maybe to put up posters of cool muscle cars?). Bram goes for a spear/shoulder tackle, Abyss sidesteps, Bram goes through the #BarbwireBoard. Abyss climbs the ladder towards Janice, gets tipped into a DIFFERENT #BarbwireBoard, which gives Bram enough time to snag Janice. Abyss avoids Janice and Blackhole Slams Bram onto the tacks. It’s not enough to stop Bram though as he grabs Janice and swings it into Abyss’s abdomen (Janice being used = always anti-climatic.)

Result: Bram beat Abyss. Bram gets to own Janice now I guess? Good luck flying with that.

Backstage: EC3 isn’t happy about his time in jail but says those that are accountable will be held accountable.

Commercial break.

Backstage: Magnus isn’t going to let Bram outshine him and says, ‘hey, guess what? I’m going to win the #1 contenders match.’

EC3, Rhyno & Rockstar Spud (wearing a bright pink suit (Rockstar Spud = the best)) enter the ring. EC3 isn’t happy about #ItHappened. ‘Yes’ chant breaks out. EC3 thanks Angle for putting him jail because it brought him clarity. He’s mad at Bully Ray but MORE mad at Rhyno. EC3 says it’s all Rhyno’s fault. Rhyno doesn’t enjoy being talked to like that and lets EC3 know, verbally. EC3 open hand slaps Rhyno. Spud tries to keep the peace but to no avail as EC3 attacks Rhyno. Spud tries intervene but gets tossed aside.

Backstage: Samoa Joe says Low Ki has self confidence but it won’t be enough.

Commercial break. (Mr. Anderson talks about his battle with cigarettes.)

Backstage: The Hardy Boyz say they still have plenty to prove.

#JoeVsLowKi

Promo of JoeVsLowKi. Mr. Ki is out first in a new less Power Rangery outfit. I’m a fan. Taz & Tenay think Low Ki has the home court advantage, as the crowd chants, ‘Joe’s Gonna Kill You.’ Feeling out process starts the match. Joe gets a big pop for a powerful looking running back elbow and takes control of the match. Joe is dominating and the crowd is enjoying it. Ki turns the tide with a double boot stomp. #ThisIsAwesome chant. Joe with the powerbomb to Boston crab to STF. Crowd is split and cheering for both. (Crowd has been great at all NY tapings.) Joe gets Ki in the Musclebuster and uses it for the clean win.

Result: Samoa Joe beats Low Ki.

Backstage: The Hardy Boyz hit up Bully Ray & Devon’s dressing room.

Backstage: Jeremy Borash interviews Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson is sick and tired of the creepy bastard Samuel Shaw. Shaw, creepily, listens in on the interview and a fight erupts.

Commercial break.

#HardcoreJustice returns with Anderson and Shaw brawling near the entrance. Shaw, wearing street clothes per usual, asks Anderson to quit but it’s not happening. The crowd is dead, per usual with this feud. Gunner is ringside. Anderson breaks out of the Camel Clutch with some sweet hip thrusts. Anderson, after being dominated for most of the match, puts Shaw in some shoulder/arm bar combination, and gets Shaw to quit. Shaw might go down in history as the easiest quit in an I Quit match history.

Backstage: The Hardy Boyz leave Bully Ray & Devon’s dressing room, Ray thinks they’ve come up with a plan to change tag team wrestling history.

Commercial break.

Earlier today: Bobby Roode wants to be the best.

Matt Hardy & Willow’s alter-ego, Jeff Hardy, make their way to the ring. Bully Ray & Devon make their way, Devon still wearing some awful looking sunglasses. The two tag teams share some respect and the crowd wants them to wrestle one more time. The Wolves come out & say if someone wants to challenge them for the titles, they’re down.

Earlier this day: Mike Tenay is sitting on Dixie Carter’s bed interviewing her, Dixie is under the covers. Dixie says she has been in pain since #ItHappened. Says she broke her back.

(Sidenote: I’m not about Man vs. Woman violence. TNA says that this was different because Dixie was playing a character and it didn’t count. Now they have her talking as the ‘real’ Dixie Carter. Hmm…)

Dixie says she’s going to focus on behind the scenes stuff & kicks Tenay out.

Commercial break.

Christy Hemme Is Pregnant!

Fun Fact: As they were recapping Storm/Sanada my dog (#Chihuahua) growled at the TV. He shares my thoughts on the segment.

Angelina Love vs Gail Kim Last Knockout Standing Match.

Kim does a modified back body drop from the top rope onto a chair to win the match.

Result: Gail Kim beats Angelina Love.

Commercial break.

Backstage: Angle announces Hardyz vs Wolves vs 3d in a tag team title series. First team to win 2 matches wins the series and the titles. Win the match, pick stipulation for the next match. Starting next week.

MVP, Kenny King & Lashley. MVP builds up Lashley. I don’t know, I zoned out. I’m sorry.

Commercial break:

#6SidesOfSteel.

Austin Aries, Eric Young, James Storm, Gunner, Magnus & Bobby Roode battle it out for the number one contender spot. Roode is putting off a sweet 70s/80s southern babyface vibe. Crowd seems split between Aries and Roode. Faces work together to take out heels.

Commercial break.

Roode applies a submission to Storm, EY puts Magnus in the Sharpshooter & Aries puts Gunner in the Last Chancery.

(Sidenote: Tenay is such a shill. Do what you got to do homey, but ugh. Who do you like less, him or Michael Cole?)

Double powerbomb top rope suplex spot.

Roode and EY race outside the cage. Both think they escaped first. There’s an argument. No view shows them escaping at the same time. It’s INCONCLUSIVE!

Result: EY & Roode…tie?

Next week: Hardyz vs. 3d vs. Wolves. Who is the greatest? Will Bram use Janice? Will Spud continue to be the best? (Yes.) Will Roode or EY get the title shot vs. Lashley? Will I get any better at writing!? Stay tuned!

See you next week.

Fun Fact: If you refer to yourself in 3rd person, you annoy John Thome.

twitter.com/john1980star