The third of the sublime states is sympathetic or appreciative joy (in Pali, muditā). It’s a particular form of happiness that comes when we celebrate someone else’s good fortune. When someone we care about finds a happy relationship or a promising job, or receives recognition in a way that’s important to her, we feel the warmth of that joy along with her. Emotions are not only contagious, they amplify each other.

Ajahn Amaro, in his small books about the sublime states, takes the approach of examining their opposites to help us recognize what we’re doing. What’s the opposite of joy? Ven. Amaro selects addictive behavior as joy’s opposing force. His booklet on the subject is titled “Just One More”, and here’s an excerpt from the introduction:

… we will be investigating muditā through the lens of self-centred desire and its relationship to dissatisfaction; how the quest to fulfil personal cravings leads not to joy but rather to pain-haunted addictions; how joy, instead, comes from unselfishness, giving and consciously delighting in the blessings that others have; how those blessings of others need not feed a sense of lack or unworthiness in us but rather, marvellously and mysteriously, be a contributor to our own well-being.

Of course there are plenty of energies and situations that obstruct joy that are not outright addictions. At the same time, there are examples of people who have found joy in the most unlikely places. Even in dire situations, a kind connection can cut through to joy. Sometimes when people come to the final stage of life, the sweetest exchanges are made, love is shared, and there is great satisfaction.

Once a former alcoholic described the feeling that drove her as “always being just two drinks shy of fine”. We often fall into the mistaken notion that if a little is good then more is better, but it hardly ever is. More food, more drink, more drugs, more videos, more social media, more sex, more shopping, even more work — there’s a natural limit to the satisfaction these things can offer and when we don’t recognize that limit, we can become addicted. We get stuck in a loop of trying harder and harder to get what cannot be gotten from these activities. Meanwhile we miss the opportunities for joy.

Most of us live with a mix of concern for ourselves and for others, and it can be tricky to find the right balance. There’s no correct ratio, it will vary from time to time. But within this framework, it seems as if gravity pulls us towards self-concern and concern for others happens “when there’s time”. However, if we pay attention to what brings us joy, we can cultivate it and create a new momentum.