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RAUL CARRANZA FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT

CSPAN / WikiCommons

Disability comes in many forms. Mine -- a genetic mutation presenting similarly to muscular dystrophy -- came in the form that made high school into an isolating experience. Going to parties was never an option, so I turned to the internet. I found communities that accepted me and didn't care about my disability. They were communities filled with people that shared my interests, and also middle-aged white men.

Discussions rarely turned to politics, but I was fascinated when they did. Tax reform, the welfare state, burdensome regulations, the rights of the individual, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, immigration ... These were the things the grown-ups talked about and, if you were a "serious" person, this was what you believed -- at least according to them.

It was the first time I had seen those ideas expressed explicitly, but they were, and are, all around us. They float around like radioactive dust just waiting to be breathed in so they can fester and grow inside us.

I've heard people say that the older you get, the more conservative you become, but I was the complete opposite. I am as left as you can be. I believe in taxing the rich, worker's rights, free health care and education, and that "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" is only an option to people with a tremendous amount of privilege.

And yet I have never been able to wash the dirt off. I still feel guilty for taking government benefits. I still remember when, a few years ago, I was told that I was selfish for wanting to stay alive because I'm a burden and I should kill myself, because that's what you do with a sick dog. I remember it and, even though I know it is nonsensical dribble, I can't help but feel like there might be a kernel of truth in it. I tell myself it's not my fault, that it's just the air we breathe, but I struggle with it every day. It's the little voice in my head saying, "You're a parasite. Worthless. You shouldn't have nice things. You should have never bought that flat-screen TV 10 years ago. You should definitely not be telling them about it. You should be ashamed of it." And I am. All the logic in the world will not wash away the shame, or the fear I feel just writing about it. The dust … it infects you and you can't escape it.

What the hell does this have to do with Brett Kavanaugh? Well, everything.

I grew up with him and his ideas. His nomination is a threat to people with disabilities on an existential level. The following quote comes from his dissent in Doe ex rel. Tarlow v. District of Columbia, a case in which people with intellectual disabilities challenged the constitutionality of being subjected to elective surgeries without their consent:

Consideration of the wishes of patients who are not and have never been competent is … not required by the Supreme Court's procedural due process cases ... plaintiffs have not shown that consideration of the wishes of a never-competent patient is "deeply rooted in this Nation's history and tradition" and "implicit in the concept of ordered liberty," such that 'neither liberty nor justice would exist if [the asserted right] were sacrificed."

Translation: It's optional. Should the government determine that, by our arbitrary standards, you are incapable of making your own decisions, then it is up to you to convince me that cutting you open without your consent is against the Constitution.

These are now the terms of the debate.

Issues that should have been settled long ago are suddenly up for discussion again: Should businesses be able to discriminate against me? Is asking them not to infringing on their rights? Should I have the right and opportunity to receive an education? That is now the framework of the debate, but bubbling beneath the surface: Am I your equal? Am I a person? Should I exist?

What used to be unacceptable is now elevated in public discourse by the far right. That is the damage Kavanaugh and the Trump administration have wrought. More than policy and executive orders, this is what will cut the deepest. Just like Trump's failure to admonish neo-Nazis after Charlottesville gave white supremacists the courage to come out and add their voices to "the Marketplace of Ideas," nominating -- and likely confirming -- Brett Kavanagh signals that it's open season on disability. On me. On you. On our right to exist.