NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who cheered them on,” said legendary motherfucker Alex Rodriguez, adding that no team, not even the Boston Red Sox, could match the Yankees’ 115-year tradition of embracing and fielding total fucking bastards. “Assholes have made such a huge contribution to this franchise, from the miserable fucks who founded this team to the shitheads who currently own it. And, of course, without the millions of fuckwad fans and their asshole children, the Yankees would not be the organization they are today.” In honor of asshole heritage, Yankees merchandise stands were offering special discounts on dickhead hats and douchebag T-shirts.

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