STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings confirmed a long-suspected absence of goddamn willpower in our species, researchers at Stanford University said Tuesday that the reason humans crave sweet foods is simply because they’re weak—they’re weak, and they’re small. “Our study suggests that the average person’s desire for sugary treats is directly linked to the fact that they are pathetic overgrown babies with no control over themselves whatsoever,” said lead researcher Dr. Natasha Cott, adding that her team had found that most people’s tendency to be drawn to items like chocolate and other confections is entirely due to their being pitiful and sad, not to mention stupid enough to be enticed by these unhealthy foods in the first place. “If people ate salads or fruits on a regular basis, for example, it would demonstrate a measure of inner strength and resolve. But they don’t. You don’t. All you care about is stuffing more and more handfuls of sugar between your rotted-out jaws. The only thing we couldn’t determine is whether you were more spineless or disgusting.” The study concluded that while sugar was linked to the nation’s obesity epidemic, feeble Americans had brought it upon themselves and absolutely deserved it.

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