Michael J. Matheron, July 4, 2017

Being caught cheating on voter registration rules signals controversy especially when the one snared was Secretary of State Kris Kobach. Especially so if you are the Co-Chairman of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity, described on this site earlier this week. Perhaps in response to the discovery by his own commission that his name and last four social security digits appeared 453,000 times on the voter rolls of the nine state records thus far examined, Kobach, a long-time voter fraud accuser, speedily and voluntarily tossed himself into the Gulf of Mexico early this morning, disappearing apparently forever into the jaws of an unearthly creature known here in Mississippi as “Dabaloo.”

Supporters of his hastily announced move, watched as Kobach disappeared into what many called “a void-like monstrous thingy” that popped up to greet him when he dove head first into the Gulf. Before he leaped, we heard him scream, arms held aloft,

“Dabaloo, Dabaloo, Pompatous of the Gulf, I invoke you, I invoke you, I invoke you. Take me home.”

My simple rendering of Dabaloo swallowing Congressman Kobach appears at left, but falls far short of the experience itself. Discovering that our cameras, cell phone or otherwise, were rendered useless during the entire affair we improvised middle 20th century-style. No calls in, no calls out, a complete blackout ensued.

Forced to use pen and ink, crayons and burnt wood scraps, we few hundred spectators, including the aptly named Secretary of State of Mississippi Delbert Hosemann, tried to write our memories. Yet, near hurricane strength winds whipped through us, turning a gloriously hot Mississippi 4th of July beach into a cold and darkly imposing set for Mr. Kobach’s send off. Only as he disappeared into the Pompatous of the Gulf, did we feel relief.

And, Lordy forgive us, we cheered! We cheered like we Mississippians had witnessed an overtime touchdown pushed Mississippi to a win over Alabama. We cheered. A cheer mash-up of screams and whispers of “Dabaloo, Dabaloo, Stay and be friendly.”

Delbert Hosemann flopped on the beach creating beautiful “snow angels” whilst speaking in tongues, happy verses that I understood not a word. But happy they were! Recall that the Secretary of State was especially pleased having called upon the late Mr. Kobach to “go jump into the Gulf of Mexico” when Mississippi received Kobach’s letter “requesting” voter rolls . Mississippi, home to a states rights rigor it can straighten your hair, was asked to provide Kobach’s commission a summer storms worth of information about its voters that include such personal information as shoe size, number of teeth, a video of their sexual history in pantomime, and a urine sample from the entire family, including all pets, from fish to raccoon.

“Darned if he didn’t just up and do it,” Hosemann announced. “Boy did you see that Dababaloo! It’s our new state mascot. Oh, and thoughts and prayers to that bastard Kobach’s family.”

Who knows, this event might give pause to further interruptions of what once was called normal life by President Trump’s Voter Fraud Commission. It turns out it’s time-consuming and, well, just weird to squeeze a urine sample out of a tropical fish. Not that I’ve tried.

Really.

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