(c) Josh Sager – February 2012

As a foreword to this parody, it is necessary to point out that there are certainly some principled and intelligent Republicans who don’t deserve to be tarred with this brush. Unfortunately, the average modern Republican has become an extreme self-parody and reminiscent of the once-fringe John Birch Society.

You may be a Republican if you ________________

Find yourself to be perpetually on the wrong side of science Are constantly defending leader who are “just taken out of context” when they say something ignorant or racist. Believe that the USA is a Christian nation and all other religions are simply allowed to exist due to your munificence. Believe the right to free speech can be abridged if the person is saying something that you don’t like, but the right to bear arms is absolute. Believe that next time the money will actually trickle down to you. See little problem with a man who has had multiple affairs and/or divorces pontificating upon the sanctity of marriage; or at least the immorality of granting some people the right to marry the first time. Consider Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, or Bill O’Reilly to be an authority in anything but character assassination and the use of nonsense to combat factual arguments. Believe that spending only what the entire rest of the world does combined on our military poses a dire risk to our national security. Believe corporation to be people with guaranteed rights, while believing that some people are not to be afforded their guaranteed rights. Are pro-life and believe that every human being is to be considered priceless, but only until they are born; then they can fend for themselves and you don’t want to pay for their upbringing. Idolize the constitution, but want to alter it to discriminate against homosexuals and don’t care when any amendment but the second is violated. Don’t understand why those liberals are so upset about torture. Believe that the earth is 6000 years old and that we don’t need to take care of it in the face of industrialization. Believe that the mainstream media is just biased against you and that Fox News is the only balanced news source. Are able to forget that the policies that you are now fighting were your own position less than a year ago; the only thing that has changed is that the other side is now supporting them. Want government to keep its hands off of your Medicare or Social Security. Self-identify as a Christian but can’t stand liberal, hippie ideals such as: redistribution of wealth, clothing the poor, healing the sick, feeding the hungry, or turning the other cheek. Believe colleges to be bastions of liberal indoctrination to be avoided. Think it is fair that Warren Buffett’s secretary pays more in taxes than he does. Fail to see the correlation between the widespread cutting of teachers’ salaries and the rapid decline in quality of the US educational system. Are willing to disenfranchise hundreds of thousands of voters for the terrible crime of voting against you. Believe that Acorn (even though it no longer exists), Planned Parenthood, NPR, and Medicaid account for a significant percentage of the deficit. Fail to see the cognitive disconnect between being pro-life while at the same time being pro-death penalty. Are willing to spend massive amounts of money to invade and destroy countries but are unwilling to dedicate at least the same amount of money to rebuild ours. Would rather allow amoral corporations to control society than to find the best, although inevitably flawed, elected officials to represent you. Find yourself hating things that you only understand in the most limited of manners; you hate them because your leader tells you to rather than any objective personal knowledge. Believe that Obama and the current Democratic Party are socialist leftists. Believe that the only “real” Americans are the people who look and act like you. Everybody who isn’t a “real American” is, by default, immoral and after your tax money. Credit the current economic plight of the USA to ObamaCare and unions rather than to Republican tax cuts, wars, and deregulation. Consider all money to be speech, unless that money comes from George Soros, unions, or simply those making less than $1 million a year.

Scoring System

0-3 characteristics = nobody’s perfect

4-10 characteristics = you may be experiencing AFNC [Acute Fox News Poisoning]. Don’t worry as this is treatable given time and a steady diet of facts; I suggest that you begin reading reporting from ThinkProgress to balance out your Fox News consumption until you are able to go cold turkey on Fox.

11-20 characteristics = I seriously doubt that anything I can say to you will change your mind on any of the pertinent issues but I would hope that you eventually come to your senses; hopefully before you find yourself poor, jobless and guilty over the part you played in the decay of America.

21+ characteristics = I would not be at all surprised if you had portraits of Ayn Rand, Dick Cheney, Joseph McCarthy and Roger Ailes tattooed on your posterior; I would also hazard a guess that you are terribly lost if you find yourself reading this post.