-If you were once in a similar situation and felt safe saying no and you didn’t get pushed further, ignored, or physically hurt, that’s fucking great. That’s also rare. Most murdered women are murdered by men they are intimate with: husbands, boyfriends, dates. The safety you experienced is not something everyone can count on, and if you’re already shocked by having fingers in your mouth that you didn’t invite there, can you really trust that worse won’t happen if you yell no when backing away and asking to take it slower already failed to work?

-Men aren’t taught to care or value women as living beings. We are taught to accept this treatment of us.

-Why are you ignoring the cognitive dissonance required to write a memoir about sex and dating and men being creeps to women and then sticking fingers in someone’s mouth without asking them?

-Why is trying to have a nice date with a man she admires wrong?

-Why is it wrong to have expected that a man who explicitly says he respects women, is anti-sexual assault and rape culture, and wants men to be better — why was it wrong for her to expect that he wouldn’t move immediately to sex without any discussion beforehand?

-Do you really want to live in a world where the assumption that she could have a nice date with someone who explicitly says that, is a wrong and mistaken assumption?

-What is up with you — why do you CARE so much about minimising what we all agree was a shitty sexual encounter where a man MISSED a woman’s SIGNALS and act like that’s okay? When women are trained from birth to be hyper vigilant, why are you okay with defending that status quo that allows men to continue to pretend to be unable to understand what backing away means, to pretend that they have to be told what to do or what not to do (think about all the boyfriends who would totally help out around the house babe but you never tell me what needs help) — why is this something you are okay continuing? putting the burden on women to interpret and monitor men and defending men’s continued indifference to women’s humanity? for white supremacists and the conservative right and Christian patriarchs I understand, misogyny is integral to white supremacy, but for older women who are espousing feminism in the same breath, WHY?

Here’s the thing: Aziz has spent huge chunks of his life writing thoughtful and hilarious comedy that hinges on being able to read his audience and also hinges on him performing a person who understands nuance. He knows you shouldn’t just shove your fingers in someone without asking.

And he went on a date with a 22 year old girl whose brain isn’t finished forming, who admires him, who understands him to be who he SAYS he is — she’s not expecting him to shove his fingers in her mouth or cunt, she’s expecting him to be the sensitive thoughtful guy he has presented himself as in hours of comedy and a book. She admires him, she likes him, she wants him to like her, AND she has ZERO reason to expect him to be the kind of guy who won’t be able to read her backing away from him and asking him not to force her: both things which she did and which he ignored.

If she can’t have a reasonable expectation of going on a date with the person Aziz Ansari has presented himself as without getting her hand grabbed and put on his dick after she’s asked him not to force her, if she can’t do that without being told she’s a wimp and a pussy and deserved it, there’s something wrong.

And that’s true: there is something wrong. Not just with Aziz, but with our entire culture. It’s beyond time for that to end.

Sources for the studies cited in the tweets:

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0957926599010003002?journalcode=dasa

And let’s not overlook this very good point from Jezebel:

“Because Babe did not have the range or depth to present Grace’s story for what it is — a starting point to discuss the ways consent can feel blurring, no matter how clear we might wish it were, and our lack of language to describe this — we all ended up opening up a conversation that did us no good at all.”

https://jezebel.com/babe-what-are-you-doing-1822114753