Like every best zombie apocalypse plan, a little preparation is the key to not getting caught masturbating. With the growing popularity in immersive VR porn headsets, sadly the danger has gone up a gear as we no longer have our eyes and ears as a last line of defense.

I am sure you’re thinking “Why would I wanna listen to this guy, when I’ve been practicing for the fapping Olympics all my life!?”. Well, having argued numerous times with my boss about the dubiously titled “Admin” charges on my timesheet and then having them paid, you’ll have to forgive the cliché but “Trust me I really am a professional”

With this ever growing danger at our doorsteps, we could all do with sharing a little advice. Especially in these days of totally immersive VR porn where the outside world is exactly that and even more so if you’re not lucky enough to be enjoying a single-time of life where the only thing you need to worry about is running out of beer, vodka or whatever else tickles your fancy…

Reconnaissance

This is key but don’t go peeking through the blinds with your binoculars. What will that prove if she’s coming up the path and sees you?!?

Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash

Try a little feeler text instead i.e. ‘Can you pick up some milk?’, ‘Any plans tonight?’ or ‘What do you fancy for dinner?’ A lack of response might not be reassuring and could be a sign of your impending doom. If you are really lucky you’ll get one of those replies you were hoping for “I am sorry, I am staying late tonight. I won’t be home until 7pm”. Go go go!

Secure the area

Trip wires might be a step too far unless you’re ex-military and have the pre-requisite know-how but the theory is still sound. Try my personal favourites like a half-turned key in a locked door or closing the driveway gate.

If that seems too obvious then how about leaving out their favourite mug or the days’ post to distract them? Those precious few seconds might be all you need to save your relationship and reputation, whichever you value highest!

Set the scene

No, I am not talking about candles and soft music. I am talking about laying down the foundations, if all of a sudden the curtains are closed during the day, you’re in bed in the afternoon or you are sitting alone in the dark then it may be highly suspicious. Myself, I guess I am quite fortunate in that sense. The sunlight glares on my computer while I am trying to work; I love a good mid-day nap and I read all of the time with just a low lamp light for company – well, at least my partner believes these are all true anyway.

Prepare to be caught

An emergency escape button is a must and it should be kept close to hand or it loses its purpose. Merely flicking over to a non-descript YouTube channel or trying to stash your headset isn’t going to fool anybody but lining up a good horror movie might explain why you’re visibly shaken, sweating and out of breath. Or perhaps you don’t usually go that hard 😉

Game Over

Your trip wires have failed, they’ve dodged the watch towers and you’ve been busted with your headset on and your hands somewhere other than the controllers. The emergency towel is your last line of defense and it’s best to have it close to hand! The least you can do in this moment is salvage whatever dignity you have left. You’re going to be in for a life-time of jokes at your expense so let’s try to keep the material as brief as possible.

Home Free

You have made it this far and now is not the time to be getting found out. Dispose of the evidence – use incognito browsers always and close them when you are done, bin it, flush it and wipe it off. Have a shower (maybe a smoke if you’re feeling a sense of achievement 😉 but whatever gets you back to normal fast, I am not going to elaborate.

A final word

Like any good plans there are always going to be hiccups and errors of judgement. The last thing to consider would be that some times the best plan is no plan at all. For example, in the time it has taken you to read this article, you could have already completed ‘Level 1’ before considering pushing for another and as much as I love the sound of my own voice I also often ignore it.

Be brave… but be prepared….