OTTAWA (NEWS1130) – The mother of the man who gunned down a soldier in Ottawa last Wednesday says she will never understand what drove her son to such senseless violence.

In a letter published by Postmedia News, Susan Bibeau says she feels shame for what he did.

She says her son — Michael Zehaf Bibeau — was an “unhappy person at odds with the world” and mentally unbalanced in his final days. She also writes that he told her he wanted to go to Saudi Arabia where he could study the Qu’ran.

The RCMP have said they believe Zehaf Bibeau wanted to go to Syria.

Susan Bibeau’s letter to Postmedia News

To Mr. Quan

I am writing to you because I read your message and believe what you said about looking for context. I am trying to provide that. I hope that you are not just one of those headline seeking journalists looking for the scoop, not that much interested in truly getting the facts and trying to get the true picture even if it is not as sensational. I hope you have the integrity I perceived in your message.

I have been hounded by the media since the events took place and for me it is simpler to express myself in writing where I can try to be as accurate as possible, where I can edit and ensure that I am clearly expressing what I am trying to say. This will be my last statement. So don’t contact me further.

The horror of what my son did does colour the issues. It is awful.

At the front of my mind is the family of Mr. Cirillo. There is nothing I can do to repair the damage my son has done. I cannot express the sadness I feel. Their family is broken, a wife without a husband, children without their father. The unfairness of it. I don’t know Mrs Cirillo, If I can do anything? I don’t know what is appropriate in these circumstances.

What do I feel, my side of the story I was asked. It is not simple. As a person and mother I amhorriﬁed my the actions of my son, I am sickened by it. I will never understand what drives aperson to such senseless violence.As a mother I am sad, but that is not the emotion that is current driving me, mourning my son is deep within me, I am not ready to go there.

I feel mad at my son for what he did, I feel shame for what my son did, yes as someone wrote to me I must have been a bad mother, you can never express it as deeply as I feel it at this time.There will always be guilt. Emotions are complicated, never in a single dimension.

What about Michael, if I try to understand his actions, for me he was an unhappy person at odds with the world. In his ﬁnal days, I would add mentally unbalanced. Religion and Islam what his way of trying to make sense of the world, I don’t think he succeeded. It did not bring him peace.

My son did not want to have much to do with me or my husband. When he left for Vancouver 5 years ago, we had no contact till this year when he wrote a short e-mail to say he was well and he was only writing because his religion dictated to him to be good to his parents, it was his duty.I read about the incident in the mosque in Vancouver. I am not sure if it is accurate or not, but if they did turn him away I am sad that it is so, for that is what religion should be about, helping people in trouble, providing emotional support, not turning people away because it is ugly and complicated.

As mentioned my son wanted to have little to do with me, he was troubled and spoke of religion, and religion is not a subject I can easily relate with. So our conversations were one-sided where he would talk about religion and I would listen.

What did he talk about at our ﬁnal lunch, he talked about religion, how it was good. How I was wrong to pursue the materiality of this world. He had come to Ottawa to try and get his passport. He ultimately wanted to go to Saudi Arabia and study Islam, study the Coran. He thought he would be happier in an islamic country where they would share his beliefs. He mentioned that he had applied more than one month ago and thought the difﬁculty in getting itwas the name of the reference he had given. So he had come to Ottawa to try and convince them to give him one. He said that the shaytan was testing him. This was not new, he often spoke of the devil and his attempts to entice people to him. I want to correct the statement of the RCMP I never said he wanted to go to Syria, I speciﬁcally said Saudi Arabia. They taped my conversation so there can little doubt about the accuracy of what I said. I did phone the agent to point the error, I don’t know it they corrected it.