On the 14th day of Christmas my true love gave to me the repeal of net neutrality a new made-for-TV holiday movie starring former four-time Bachelor star/current single person Nick Viall. Yep, that’s right. The rumors about Nick Viall pursuing an acting career are true, and he’ll be making his debut on something called Ion Television, which is totally not a TV channel he just made up so he can be in shit. The movie is called A Christmas Cruise, and let me tell you, it might be truly the greatest holiday gift of all.

So what do we know about it? Well, not much, aside from the fact that it stars Viall opposite actress Vivica A. Fox (???) and is described on the Ion TV website thusly:

“When her best friend invites her along for a holiday themed sail, an aspiring novelist, Pam, unexpectedly finds love of her life on board. But what will happen when the ship returns to port for Christmas?”

Okay, so I immediately have ten thousand questions, in no particular order:

1. Isn’t this kind of below Vivica A. Fox?

2. Isn’t this kind of above Nick Viall?

3. Is there anything sadder than the job title “aspiring novelist?” Like, can’t anybody just be a novelist if they write a novel? I wrote a 650,000 word Harry Potter fan fiction in high school (literally true) so like, get your shit together, Pam. I guess maybe that’s why she’s going on this cruise…

4. WTF is a Christmas cruise? A cruise that happens the week before Christmas? It must be, if the boat returns to port for Christmas, but don’t people traditionally have the week *after* Christmas off?

5. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THE SHIP RETURNS TO PORT FOR CHRISTMAS??!?

Real talk though, the best part of all of this is the promotional image for the show, which Ion TV released. Just look at this shit:

So like…this is literally a photoshop of a Nick Viall promotional image copy/pasted behind Vivica Fox’s headshot and a tree. Was there no point at which they could take promotional photos together? Did nobody have a phone with them on set to snap a real pic? Is this movie CGI?

Omg I hope this movie is CGI.

This marvelous monstrosity airs Saturday December 16th at 9pm so like, I will not be watching because I have a social life, but hopefully they’ll put that shit on streaming ASAP because I literally cannot go into 2018 with my pressing Christmas Cruise questions still hanging over my head.

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