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If you're an adult, should I really need to explain how Christmas is the name of our nation's most popular holiday? Aside from "By street law, you are now leader of our karate gang," it's hard to imagine a phrase I hear more often than "Merry Christmas." You whimpering cow, Christmas has its own aisle in every drug store. How have you convinced yourself, much less a packed theater, that dangerous pansies are plotting against your right to say its name? You've given yourself the right to be hostile because of someone who doesn't exist doing a thing no one will ever do. Maybe you're just fucking garbage?

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This makes up the core appeal of the conservative fantasy: You have enemies everywhere, but you can defeat them simply by being bold enough to wear a red hat or say "Christmas" out loud. Right-wing thought is the Ready Player One of philosophy -- you create this elaborate world of fantastic bullshit around yourself where your ordinary whiteness suddenly becomes the most important trait a hero can have.

Brad claims his lack of mainstream success comes from a vast anti-conservative conspiracy, but it might be because he can't relate to anyone with the tiniest bit of self-awareness. When you consider "people offended by holiday names" not only to be actual people, but also an issue that needs to be discussed, I don't think your sense of outrage can be trusted around real problems. Compared to potentially Scroogey atheists, wouldn't airport traffic or Comcast customer support calls seem like a horde of skeletons ripping apart your wife?

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And like all conservative funnymen, Brad won't shut up about political correctness. How is anyone expected to be funny when every word and viewpoint is offensive? It's frustrating because anyone with a TV or an internet connection could tell you how if you're funny, you get to say anything you want. If you personally think political correctness is stifling you, then good. Hang on to that feeling, you bitch-hearted coward. Society wrote those rules -- which again, don't actually exist -- for people like you, who can't be trusted. It's like how women say they don't like strange men complimenting them on their looks. Creeps complain that they're not allowed to even approach women anymore. Meanwhile, the rest of us are walking right up to them, establishing relationships in respectful ways, complimenting the shit out of their looks, and crushing ass in the Walgreens Christmas aisle. Hi, ladies.

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Political correctness doesn't oppress truth-tellers, Brad Stine. It establishes a baseline of decency that only the laziest of assholes can't figure out. And jokes need it to be there if you want them to be even the tiniest bit outrageous. If I tell a slut to get in the kitchen, and that's the whole bit, she and everyone who hears it is right to hate me. But if I ask a lady to get in the holiday aisle for a 35-40 percent chance of climax, she and I are starting to really build something together. Hi again, ladies.

Seanbaby isn't single but might still make you climax on Twitter. The chances are only slightly lower with his hit mobile game Calculords.

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