Round 2 – Cats take on Turtles for the greatest theme tune top spot.

Did I suggest things would be going downhill after the Turtles Theme. Well that’s probably because I hadn’t just listened to the THUNDERCATS theme tune a few hundred times in a row.

You know, I could probably listen to it another few hundred times. But I won’t. Ever.

SOUNDS

The theme starts with a gladiatorial fanfare accompanied by a mechanised big cat growl and the whisper of promise of what is about to come.

Then enters the driving piano backbone for the entire song, double time, hitting that repetitive note. In the back ground there are more synth growls letting you know shit is about to go down, and then it comes:

thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOOOOO!

If you have just noticed its darker than when you first started reading don’t worry you probably just blacked out for a short while at the power of that shout.

Now listen to those trumpets coming in with the main theme underneath Lion-O’s chant. That sounds like real brass to me. There were probably trained classical musicians playing this shit. They earn their day’s pay when they up the pitch with that long pre-verse swell but they are outshone by the drums at this point delivering a hi-hat frenzy before dropping the fattest drum fill since Phil Collins melted faces with In The Air Tonight.

Then that double time piano is back in driving the entire verse. That’s confidence. Why have a fancy riff or chord sequence when you got a piano note that won’t quit. “I’m just gonna keep bashing this same note for the entire verse. You don’t like it? Go fuck yourself!”

Meanwhile the lyrics are getting busy.

Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose.

Feel the magic, hear the roar. Thundercats are loose.

That’s it. That’s all the lyrics in the entire theme song. Surprising I know. Here you were trying to see if you could remember that second verse. No you can’t. It doesn’t exist. All that remains lyrically is the repetition of the name which doesn’t quite beat TMNT at only 10 mentions of the full title, but really drives it home with an additional 15 mentions of “Thunder”.

So in the lyrics stakes we’re missing out here. Who are the Thundercats? Where do they come from? what makes them tick? Which one is cool but rude?

The theme makes up for its lack of lyrical content though, by punctuating the available lyrics with a couple of brass bursts at the end of each line. They give it a “ta dah!” like the lyrics have mysteriously appeared from beneath a magicians cape.

At this point I also start to become more aware of the sound effects. In this case Tigra’s whip thing followed by some explosions. There are a LOT of sound effects in this. If I take a step back to the “Thunder, thunder, thundercats hooo” segment, there are 3 separate distinct effects for sounds of Lion-O’s sword extending. And there’s a whole load more besides that. Here’s what I can make out

Robotic cat roar x 3

Sword extending x3

Lightning x3

Weird synthy noises x 3 or more

Explosion x a bunch

Lasers x shit loads

Whip sound

Running quick sound

Jump sound

Spinning staff sound

Monstrous scream

The sound department really put in some extra hours on this one. This must be where the lyrics budget went.

Anyway back to the song and we hit that epic chorus. I’ve already mentioned the words but what I have failed to mention is the guitar wailing at the end of each line, increasing with intensity each time. After the first Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats we get a couple of bends, after the second we get a nice trill followed by an additional bend. But then after the third iteration we get the most badass tapping guitar fill since Eddie Van Halen melted faces with his ‘Beat It’ solo.

It’s like Wyld Stallyns were invited to guest on this one (Mental note: do Bill and Teds Excellent Adventures for a future Intro-spective).

You probably noticed that the Fuck-you piano guy has taken a break finally as the chorus kicks in. He lets the bass keep driving the rhythm, but at this point he’s happy to kick back and listen to that guitar. After the third time round, though, he’s tired of being shown up in the techy skills department and he’s like “I’ll take the reigns’ this time. Check out these serious jazz chords, I hope you can hear me among all these ‘splosions.”

The guitar answers with a final massive bend so the only response left is for piano to hit that same damn note again and again finally shutting up guitar.

The next section is an instrumental verse. The piano keeps pumping away and the melody is played on the brass rather than the vocal chords. But this is all backdrop for Mumra’s transformation and that epic scream sandwiched by the aforementioned lightning crashes. There are a couple of nice little brass fills at the end of each phrase but they pale in comparison to the guitar from earlier.

Finally we hit another chorus, again instrumental. I could have done with the vocals coming back in at this point. They had the opportunity to add 6 more “Thunder”‘s and 2 more “Thundercats” to the total but they blew it.

So you might think we’re about to end on a down note, but our spirits are brought up one last time in the final moments with another excited whisper “Thundercats” and a final electronic cat growl. Bravo.

SIGHTS

The first thing we see is a blood red screen. For some reason I’m instantly reminded of Conan the Barbarian and I know swords and muscles are on their way.

A flash of light and then that famous logo. That famous logo that says “It’s dress down Friday” and must be accompanied by faded jeans, converse sneakers and slightly thinning hair. This, I now realise, is also the logo for the Thundercats.

This is followed by some kind of laser ejaculation through space which finds its way down through the Third Earthian atmosphere to Lion-O’s sword. Lion-O is stood atop a mountain and is basically dressed as a pro-wrestler complete with championship belt.

There is definitely some phallic imagery here after that laser space cum hits the vagina symbol on the hilt of Lion-O’s sword he gets increasingly excited, his sword extending multiple times now held proud and firm in front of him as it reaches full length, before finally shooting that same laser ejaculate back out above his head only to become the Thundercats logo once again. It’s a beautiful parable of the circle of life.

Next we get the profiles of all the team looking up ready for Lion-O’s seed to motivate them to action. Only Snarf gets an introduction to his personality at this point by showing he’s the only one smart enough to be scared by Lion-O’s overt eroticism.

However, the other characters soon get to show of what they’re all about.

First up – balls and shaft.

We see Tigra cracking that whip with style. But what is it he whipping at? Well, it seems it is some kind of self defense as it becomes apparent his so-called friend Panthro is trying to mow him down with the Thunder Tank. Panthro means serious business. He smashes through rock with no thought given to the life he’s about to destroy. Tigra’s quick thinking and his apparent ability to fly allows him to escape but his intention is now to wind Panthro up further by landing in his passenger seat.

This enrages Panthro to the extent that he risks his own safety jumping out of a moving vehicle rubber fist dildos in hand to deliver a flying kick so powerful that it bends space time itself creating a leg vortex that kind of melts his boot and leg together and forms some kind of plant seed pod.

Seriously which bit is his foot?

Also note close up of said sex aids. Do not ask where he intends to stick these things.

I was going to leave the sexual imagery behind there but suddenly in comes Cheetarah – every furrys’ ultimate fantasy. Her job is to run fucking fast and look fucking hot.

Also to scare the shit out of these guys –

Next Wilykit and Wilykat come along and destroy foes with explosive m&ms.

Wilykat apparently loooves killing. Everyone so far has either been dead serious or just running past dudes but this is the look on ‘kats face before leaving his enemies with severed limbs.

Brutal.

Take note as the team now line up for their class photo, little Snarf being not cool at all as he just trundles in along the ground as the rest of the team somehow jump backwards into perfect position without looking and Ghost Dad looks on.

Now things take a dark turn as we meet the villains and baboon guy forgets not to look at the camera as it pans past.

Mumra, in his creepy form appears. Kind of reminding me of the original Emperor Palpatine in the Empire Strikes Back. You know the one played by the old woman with superimposed chimp eyes before it all got specialed up –

Following another extremely painful (if the screams are anything to go by) cartoon-intro transformation, Beefcake Mumra awakens. Only something’s not quite right. He seems to have cake where he should have beef. There’s definitely four pectorals and some unusual stomach action going on there, but maybe I shouldn’t judge him on my human idea of muscular perfection. Anyway he looks good in a skirt and formidable enough to thump a Thundercat or two. He’s even got some badass purple lightning magic hands.

Lion-O has to use some mad contortion skills to get away from that.

Those things at the top are his feet!

In the final scene the Sword of Omens, now able to fly somewhat like a paper aeroplane, loops into frame and simultaneously impales a pyramid and Mumra’s ghostly crotch, causing it to explode and reveal the title card. Only this time, the logo on the left looks kind of like regular logo’s deformed twin.

Fade to black.

Music wise I have to say this thing rocks, but the lyrics leave me cold. There are only two lines and they rhyme ‘loose’ with ‘loose’. Weak.

The visuals are pretty cool but I kind of feel like there are a lot of bells and whistles to distract from the poor lyrical content, lots of sound effects, lasers, explosions and lightning but it doesn’t tell me an awful lot more than that all involved can run and jump and flip.

This is a damn good but not perfect theme tune. Not quite a Turtle beater but certainly up there in the top ranks.

Intro-Spective 1 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles