Image by the amazing Stuart F Taylor

To be honest I struggle to explain to people how they can be good in bed. When asked for sex advice, my answers are boring and waffly, because being ‘good in bed’ depends so much on your own desires, and those of your partner. But the other day I re-watched ‘How To Maximise Misery’ by CGP Grey, and I figured it may be easier to explain things the other way round. So here’s how to be really bad in bed. I should warn you in advance, though: while all humans have the capacity to be a bit bad in bed, being truly bad in bed requires dedication and hard work…

Sex tips: How to be really bad in bed

First thing’s first: raise your expectations. Don’t dream of sex that just scratches an itch or brings a smile to your face – dream bigger! Dream of sex that will make the entire Earth move around you. Sex that will fulfil every single one of your fantasies. Dream of lovers who instinctively know how to touch you in ways you had never imagined you could be touched. Dream of sex that will shake the foundations of what you thought was possible. Sex that could shatter your soul.

Then force yourself to forget that you are dreaming.

When selecting people to go to bed with, make sure to choose ones who are, at best, indifferent to you. Treat them with disdain: play it cool. Make it clear to them that if you had a choice, they would not be your first one. This is especially true, of course, if the person you’re going to bed with is yourself. You can maintain your impeccable standard of being bad in bed even if you’re the only person in it: remind yourself that the reason you’re alone is because you’re ugly and unloveable. Your body is unwanted, and your sex is mediocre. The only person pathetic enough to have it with you is you. Do not let yourself enjoy this time, find a way to turn it into a mild form of self-hating punishment.

A brief note on sex toys: if you plan to use them, go ahead! But remember that they are probably your enemy. If you’re with someone else, a good rule of thumb is that the more they love a particular sex toy, the more suspicious you should be of it. If it’s a sex toy that you like, remember that owning it is shameful. Using it, doubly so.

If you are in bed with other people, this next step is absolutely key: do not communicate what you want. The ratio of time you spend talking about sex versus doing it should, in an ideal world, be zero to one. For every minute of time you spend doing it, spend zero minutes discussing it – with your partner or anyone else.

Consent is important, of course: you want to be bad in bed, not an outright criminal. See consent as both your baseline and the highest possible bar over which you’re willing to drag yourself. Seek a definite ‘yes’, then explore no further.

The one exception to the communication rule is when it comes to criticism. Criticise all you like. Pick apart your partner’s manner, their skillset, the way their tongue feels when it touches your skin. Mock the noises they make when they let themselves go, or the faces they make when – against all odds – they experience some pleasure with you. If you want to be really bad in bed, you need to avoid confining this criticism solely to the bedroom: let it fly wherever you are, at opportune and surprising moments. “See that woman in the leggings just above us on the escalator? God, what a monster.” “Bet he’s got a tiny cock.” “Have you done something to your hair? It looks… terrible.”

You should by now be ready to whip your kit off and start being bad in bed. From here the steps are easy, because you simply follow the script: kissing, kissing with tongues, groping, fingering, oral, penetration, facial. If you want to take things further, round 2 goes: anal, bondage, spanking, piss-play, threesome, threesome, threesome, fisting, scat.

Don’t use lube. Ever.

When you’ve mastered being bad at every single stage of the sex script, practice moving from one to the next within an unrealistically rigid time frame. Set a timer in your head for a specific number of minutes, and do not adjust that time-frame for anything. To be really bad in bed, you must maintain that momentum. No pausing to enjoy the moment, or luxuriating in an especially good bit. Keep. Marching. On.

If it helps you to disassociate, try picturing other people having sex in your head to distract you. Remind yourself of all the things you are likely doing less well than those who do it in porn. They may be professionals who shag for a living, but remember those high expectations you kindly gave yourself at the start? Use them. Compare yourself. You will never be as good as the people in porn: you are out of breath, unaccomplished, boring, ugly and unloved. Your partner, of course, is all these things too: why else would they have agreed to get into bed with you? To be bad in bed, you need to usher these thoughts in and welcome them like trusted friends.

Are you bad in bed yet? Perhaps, but it’s unlikely. I don’t expect any of you to master this stuff straight away. If you’re eager to have sex, and you like your partner, your natural instincts may well take over as you find yourself asking them what they enjoy, communicating what you enjoy, and generally leaning towards having a pleasurable time. To be truly bad in bed you need to suppress these instincts. Practice these tips. Nurture your apathy and indifference towards your partner, while simultaneously stoking your expectations of them, until nothing they do in real life could possibly compare to your fantasies.

Complain, bitterly. Communicate only the worst things, and keep the good things to yourself. Remind yourself that sex is supposed to blow your mind, so any time it does less than that should be chalked up as another failure: yours or theirs. Avoid communication, connection and lube at all costs. Stick to the script. Be vigilant against joy.

Do this until being bad in bed no longer seems like something you control. Bad sex is a punishment the world is inflicting on you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. You’ve forgotten how to communicate, you treat everyone with open contempt, and your expectations are so high no one could ever hope to meet them.

Congratulations, champ. You made it!