Photo : Doug Mills ( Getty Images )

Where is President HooHoo Von Swizzledick?



It’s been 13 hours since the president delivered his long-ass, shoutout speech, in which he begged up Navy veterans, a child cancer patient, himself and his wife, Melania—who came to the State of the Union in a separate car because even she’s hate riding with his ass—and the president can’t be found.


Not one wayward tweet. Not one appearance. It’s as if the president walked out of his long ass SOTU speech and got into his car alone and blocked off the next 13 hours as executive time.

Has anyone checked his sleeping coffin to see if he’s OK? Has, the executive aide in charge of bringing him his warm goat’s blood in a sippy cup seen him? If he’s not tweeting and if he’s still sleeping the n is South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham OK? Graham normally sleeps at the foot of the coffin in case the president has the urge to punch him in the face and without the president’s had up his ass to help move his mouth, is Graham even able to communicate?


Is Russian President and Trump’s boo Vladimir Putin in the White House? Did the schedule private time after Trump’s speech so that they could hold each other and watch Pinky and the Brain? Did he use the private entrance to Trump’s bedroom? Has anyone else noticed that Vladimir Putin’s initials are V.P.? It’s been right there in front of us this whole time! Vladimir Putin is the goddamn Vice President! Has anyone checked on the Mike Pence ventriloquist dummy doll that sat behind the president during his SOTU address?

I never thought I’d see the day where I was looking for a presidential tweet but the absence of Trump being snarky on Twitter or at least clapping back at all of the negative media surrounding his speech has me worried. Unless today is presidential bath day and then we all know that can take all day to get the fire department grade hoses to clean all the government grade orange tint off his flaky white skin.

Someone needs to tell us something.