** ****by **Joan Rivers**Photograph by **Martin Schoeller

So my agent tells me Louis C.K. wants me to guest star on his TV show. I said, "You’re kidding me...Louis C.K. has a show?" The truth is I’d been really underwhelmed by most of the new comics. I saw Dane Cook on TV once and thought, ’Oh, this poor schlub is bombing in a club somewhere.’ Then the camera pulled back and the guy’s in a stadium! So I bought Louis’s DVD (retail) and he actually made me laugh out loud, which I just never do unless Michele Bachmann is speaking. Louis says stuff onstage that nobody else is saying—that’s what makes a star. He’s fearless and he hates a lot of things that deserve to be hated.

Doing Louis’s show was a blast. When I asked for script changes, we rewrote it together. And Louis knows cameras, lenses, directing—he does it all. I walked out of there thinking, ’Where’s the gift shop? I want a Louis C.K. T-shirt.’

Judging from the way he dresses, I’m not sure Louis C.K. ever reads GQ, but just in case he picks this up by mistake during one of his late night newsstand porno runs, here’s my advice:

**Dear Louis: **

Here’s the good news, kid: You’re here to stay. The bad news? Your chosen life’s work, comedy, is a steaming shithole of cruelty and degeneracy owned and operated by deranged, unattractive thieves. Ignore them. Push forward. Play by your rules and KEEP GOING. Wear blinders if necessary, but KEEP GOING. Don’t let other people tell you what’s funny. Don’t read your reviews— the bad ones hurt too much and the good ones make you weak. It’s all about ego and the moment you start to think you’re wonderful, it’s over—you’ve peaked.

Finally, and I can’t stress this enough, always be good to older Jewish comediennes who were nice to you when you were starting out and had your head so far up your own ass that you had to clean out your ears just to see.

You’re welcome. Now, who do I see about my check?

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