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NOTE TO SOUND GUY: Play “Pomp and Circumstance” as I enter, fade when I give you the twirling finger sign. You know the drill, yeah.

We are gathered here today, yeah, in recognition of the riiiiiise of the LORD from his grave in that cave! Can I get an “OH YEAH?”

Now, Mean Gene, some people have TAKEN this HOLY DAY to become a day of CHOColates, yeah, CANdy, yeaaah, little RABBITS hoppin’ around handin’ out GOODIES instead of that gooood wooooord, YEAH! That makes Macho wanna FREAK OUT on ’em, set ’em STRAIGHT with a FLYIN’ ELBOW from the top rope, yeahhh, just like our LORD did to the PHARISEES and the MONEYCHANGERS in that temple YEAH, CAN I GET AN “OH YEAH?”

NOTE TO SELF: Smash podium at this point; make sure breakaway podium is in place this year.

I TELL YA THE MACHO MAN CAN’T STAND THE ABUSE OF EASTER ANY LONGER MEAN GENE, AND HE KNOWS THE HULKSTER IS BEHIND IT! C’MON OUT, HULK, AND SHOW YOUR COWARDLY YELLA FACE CAN I GET AN “OH YEAH!”

NOTE TO TERRY: Enter at this point; please carry breakaway crucifix this year

Hulk Hogan: Well BROTHER let me tell ya somethin’, all the little HULKAMANIACS in this Second Baptist Church on 3rd & Durant are gonna run willlld on ya, once they figure out you wanna take away their See’s chocolates, and their Brach’s hard candies, BROTHER, and their Cadbury creme eggs, DUDE! If you want your Christ so much, why don’t you come take him from me, HUH?! FIGHT ME FOR JESUS, MACHO MAN!

Macho Man: HULKSTER YOU LET OUR LORD AND SAVIOR GO YEAH RIGHT NOW OHHHH YEAHHHHHH!

NOTE TO TERRY: This is where we struggle with the crucifix and it breaks, proving that fighting in Christ’s name is futile and hurts us all, yeah; I do this sermon every year because our profession is so violent, and I want to remind the youth that we only do it so we can “Render Unto Caesar” as it were; I would rather be the Mild Man Randy Humble, but, alas, God gives us such talents as He does, and we must use them as best we can, no?; anyway then you “Hulk Up,” punch me with the crucifix pieces, and give me a signature Atomic Leg Drop on the altar, bringing the sermon to a Wrestlemania-quality finish; please avoid any blood this year as we do not have the budget for the cleaning fee, yeah.