Follow @FootballGuyBook on Twitter

Although this list is critical of PFF, I would like to note that I respect Mike Florio and his takes, but not the idiots that recite them without thought like they’re a North Korean Citizen being asked how much they love their country. We’ll be doing our list in alphabetical order for the sake of simplicity. I know that the PFF disciple’s, (whom we have dubbed, “Florons”, because of their affinity for Mike Florio) will lose their minds if we go out of alphabetical order and I want them to know how wrong they really are. So without any further ado, let’s begin.

1. CB, Larry Fitzgerald, A

I didn’t know Larry Fitgerald played Cornerback, but PFF was kind enough to let me know otherwise.

Now let’s get down to the grades

Oh, PFF you prankster, first you bamboozle me by saying that Ole’ Sticky Fingers is a CB, but then you lay on the biggest punchline of this century by informing me that he’s actually a wide receiver. You really pulled a fast one on me there, good prank.

Now let’s break down the rating. This is a pretty good rating, but PFF overlooks some major aspects. First, Fitz is probably the most genuine dude in the NFL. When he isn’t being old or bringing life to the room with his smile, he’s being described as a “Class Act” by everyone under the sun. This should bump Larry up a solid 5 points in my book. Second, Larry is old and still able to perform. Old golfers get a bigger golf handicap, so I’m going to give Larry a handicap until he moves onto the senior tour. With these factors in mind, he should be rated much higher. And don’t even get me started on his hair. The man has the dreads of a Rastafarian Prince and then some.

Overall, pretty shitty job by PFF, but that cornerback prank is sick, so I’m going to give them an A.

2. RB, David Johnson, D-

David Johnson had an interesting year, to say the least. Although he came off a broken wrist he was pegged as a potential top 10 running back coming into the season. And boy were we wrong. Don’t get me wrong, he managed to run for over 900 yards, but he only caught for 50 yards. And in a league where receivers catch more balls than gay porn stars, you can’t overlook that number. With that being said, something much worse than a broken wrist plagued Johnson this season. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. Samuel. Jacob. Bradford. Bradford only played a few games, but the short stay traumatized Johnson, and the journeyman haunts his mind to this very day. Fever dreams filled with blown check-down passes and interceptions flash in his mind as Johnson tosses and turns in his California king. Whenever Johnson closes his eyes, he sees “$15 Million Guaranteed” while Bradford’s stupid grin lingers in the background. The damage is done. Will Johnson recover? Only time will tell.

But we know something. PFF didn’t take Bradford’s impact on the mental health of the entire team into effect, resulting in more adversity than Johnson could imagine. For these reasons, I think Johnson should be rated much higher and I give PFF a D-.

3. CB, Patrick Peterson, B-

For the entirety of Patrick Peterson’s career, he has played in the shadow of the opposite cornerback, Larry Fitzgerald (fine I’ll drop the gag). This season Peterson outperformed expectations. Some people were surprised and some weren’t. Pat edges closer to 30 every day, and analysts expected his production to decline, but it actually improved. The Patrick Peterson of old dazzled and danced in coverage as if he was a spring chickadee prancing in the fields. And seemingly this came out of nowhere. So naturally, I have some theories about his renewed vigor.

1. Larry Fitzgerald revealed his secret ointment to make you ageless and fuckable well into your late 30s. If he continues, to use Fitzgerald’s methods he’ll look fuckable, and continue to perform at a high level for years to come.

2. He just had an off year last year because players take hits, get hurt, but continue to play even though it affects their ability to perform.

3. PEDs

4. In the offseason, Patterson worked hard to improve his game so he could continue to play at a high level

5. Reason 3 + Reason 4

Patrick Peterson played well this year, and PFF did a pretty good job with the ranking, but I would put him in the “High Quality” tier if I worked for PFF. For those reasons, I give them a B-

Well, those are my cardinals rankings.