One of the things I worried about the most when we were deciding to have kids was raising children in a non-traditional family. I once sat through a really awkward conversation where everyone agreed that being gay was fine, and adults were free to make their own decisions, but that it was irresponsible and cruel to bring innocent children into that lifestyle. They argued that kids didn’t ask to have a target put on their back for bullying and being different and it wasn’t fair to subject them to something they didn’t choose. Of course nobody in that group of people knew I was gay and only months away from getting married. People are much more honest when they don’t know.I never would have considered not having kids just because they’d be born into a different type of family, but I did worry about it a lot. What helped was seeing some of my friends raising happy children in two-mom families. I also met a couple of kids at a school I work at that have two moms. They were only preschoolers but none of the other kids teased them, or thought it was that weird. I suddenly felt fortunate to have been born in a time and in a country where other types of families are more welcomed and accepted than in the past. At the same time, I know there will come a day when one of my kids will come home from school sad because someone is picking on them because of me and their Mama. And on that day, whether I deserve it or not, I will feel very guilty for having been the cause.

Something I thought I would worry about a lot was not being considered as much their mother as Katie is. I thought other people might think of Katie as their parent and me as a kind of add-on. A lot of people think that biology is important and that without biology you are not a true parent. I know it’s a load of crap, but something about becoming a parent brings out the worst insecurities. It didn’t last long though since early in the pregnancy I was treated like an equal partner by friends, family and doctors.

I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised when we were treated like any other couple expecting babies at the fertility clinic, the OB office, the labor and delivery and maternity wards, the NICU, the pediatricians office and the daycare. I didn’t expect any outright bias or hate, but I did expect some awkwardness or distance from some of the people we came across. When we got to the pediatricians office, we were led to a room by a nurse who asked “and who’s the mom?”, I answered “both of us”. She just said cool and went about her introduction to the office. The daycare director, NICU nurses, our OB and pediatrician have all been just as involved with me as a parent as they have Katie. I have not once felt like less of a parent than Katie even though biologically I have no relation to these babies. Like I said, I am beyond fortunate to be born in a time and in a country where I am given the same rights and treatment as their parent as Katie is.

It also amazes me how today we’re seen for what we are. 10 years ago I think most people assumed we were just friends, or roommates when they saw us shopping at Wegmans together, or going out to restaurants on dates. Today, most people immediately see us for the married couple that we are, which I think is another fortunate outcome of the times. There is a higher awareness and openness that makes us more visible. I’ll admit that in the past I’ve let people assume we were just friends because it was easier but now as we’re walking through our middle class suburban neighborhood and people congratulate Katie on the babies, I say thanks too.

The only person who’s been left in the dark was our mechanic who I was impressed with because I thought he was being very accepting when I dropped Katie’s car off for a brake service. I told him I was dropping it off for her because she was recovering from a C-Section and we chatted a bit about how the babies were doing in the NICU. He even commented on the NICU bands I was wearing and I told him we couldn’t be let in to see them without wearing the bands. I was so surprised at his attitude after I assumed I’d outed myself. He’s said some colorful things about the local Puerto Rican community so I’d just assumed he was a close-minded ass. Later that day though when I picked up her car, he handed over the keys and happily exclaimed “tell your sister congratulations and to enjoy those babies”. *face palm* I just answered “will do” and walked out the door. I guess not everyone is there yet.

Now there have been a few things we had to figure out that tradition families take for granted. The first took us months and months. We needed to decide what we wanted the babies to call us. We figured out pretty quickly that Mommy (Mom) and Mama were the best two names, but we couldn’t decide who would be who. In the end, I got Mommy and Katie got Mama. We thought the matter was behind us until we were writing in the baby book and realized we didn’t know if it should be spelled Mama or Momma. Katie decided on Mama and that was that.

The next thing was Mother’s Day which came up pretty quickly after the girls came home. We decided it didn’t make much sense to both be honored on Mother’s Day because at least for the next five or six years, Mother’s day is going to entail one parent helping the children spoil the other. We couldn’t both be spoiled and honored at the same time. Who would help the kids make breakfast in bed? Who would help them secretly paint little hand print art projects? So we celebrated Katie on Mother’s Day in May and we’re going to turn Father’s Day into June Mother’s Day for me. When the girls are in school we’ll just let the teachers know to direct May crafts to Katie and June crafts to me. Problem solved.

The third thing is we need to decide if I should formally adopt the girls. As it is, my name is on the birth certificate and I have full parental rights. But still, the chance that things could change scares me. I’m sure it’s smarter to be safe and just do it, but the idea that it is necessary irritates me.