Photograph by Ed Jones/AFP/Getty

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report) — As the mystery surrounding the absence of dictator Kim Jong-un deepens, the North Korean government on Wednesday issued an official statement reassuring its citizens that it had “a deep bench of brutal madmen.”

While it offered no comment about the status of Kim, the statement from the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) emphasized that “making North Korea an authoritarian horror-drome is not the achievement of one man; it has been and will always be a team effort.”

“There are at least twelve highly unbalanced people at the upper echelon of this government who, at a moment’s notice, can imprison an ex-lover, execute a relative, or threaten to incinerate the United States in a sea of fire,” the statement read. “No other government has a roster that strong.”

“As North Koreans, you’ve come to expect a level of mercurial brutality unrivalled by any other country on the planet,” the statement continued. “As your leaders, we promise that will never change.”

In a further effort to reassure the North Korean people, the statement concluded with a declaration of war against Mars.

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