The Texas Longhorns shocked the college basketball world by winning a share of the Big 12 Conference Tournament without making a single basket. The Big 12 Tournament was cancelled due to COVID-19 precautions just before Texas and Texas Tech were scheduled to tip off, thus landing the Longhorns in an eight-way tie for first place. With no mention of make-up dates, Shaka Smart’s crew has now won the last two post-season tournaments they have entered. “Clearly, Shaka Smart has turned things around at Texas and deserves another year” Texas AD Chris Del Conte said to reporters through the transparent wall of his hermetically sealed Sprint Center luxury suite. Del Conte dismissed reports that he received a note from the one Texas basketball booster that said booster had lost his fortune in the stock market after backing the first dating app which matches people who like to lick everything in public spaces together, stating that the failure of the unfortunately-named COVID-69 app had nothing to do with Smart’s retention. “Smart won the final NIT Tournament ever played and followed it up with an eighth of a conference tournament title, and that’s progress if I’ve ever seen it” the Texas AD explained to the reporters who were stationed exactly one meter away from the plexiglass wall after being disrobed and deloused. Del Conte continued, “We’re Texas and money is no object as long as oil prices remain high”, at which point the assistant AD used the pneumatic tube attached to the luxury box to interrupt CDC with a sanitized printout of today’s market data.

There are no plans yet for which 1/8th of the banner Texas will receive - the players voted for the ‘X’ in ‘XII’ but negotiations are ongoing - when it will be fumigated, or what date it will be raised in the Drum.

Final Big 12 standings:

1t. Kansas

1t. Kansas State

1t. Oklahoma

1t. Oklahoma State

1t. Texas

1t. Texas Tech

1t. West Virginia

1t. zBaylor

9t. Iowa State

9t. TCU