DALLAS, TX—Seeking to showcase his pride for his comrades’ heroism, hardline pastry chef Dave Southerton had reportedly displayed a black-and-white American flag with a raspberry cream stripe Tuesday to honor the sacrifices bakers make every day. “My profession is constantly under attack nowadays by people who claim we’re overusing confectioners sugar or that we’re trigger happy with our piping guns, but until you’ve been in our kitchens and had to make a snap judgment about when to take the cake out of the oven, you’ll never understand what it’s like,” said Southerton, telling reporters that the flag symbolized that he was part of the “thin meringue line” that separates order from chaos. “It’s easy for people to accuse my brave bakers-in-arms for their use of extreme flavors and nitpick a few bad apple turnovers. They might feel different if they ever had to experience the fear of walking through an unlit pantry at 3 a.m., only to discover the flour got all clumped together. I hope no civilian ever has to experience that, but maybe before you knock the toque and apron, you should think about the fact that when I leave the house every morning, I don’t know if I’ll be coming home that day covered in red velvet.” When asked about the numerous high-profile news stories where nut allergy sufferers died after receiving cake against their will, Southerton claimed this was an unfortunate but necessary consequence of serving the community.

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