Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. From yesterday’s Daily Mail : ‘A transsexual man went to court for the right to contact the child of his former lesbian partner.

‘He brought the civil case despite having no connection with the nine-year-old girl. Identified only as Alice, she was born to two lesbians who used donor sperm from a man also in a same-sex relationship.

‘The couple — known as Rachel and Helen — split up when Alice was three. Rachel, who was her natural mother, was sectioned with schizophrenia and Helen entered a relationship with Matthew, the man who has brought the case.’

Family tree: The transsexual partner of a former lesbian lover of a nine-year-old's natural mother has been refused access to see the girl after a judge found that her life was complicated enough

Run that by me again.

And I’m not the only one confused. Several puzzled readers emailed yesterday morning in relation to this story. The reaction of Paul Oliver, from Ilford, was typical: ‘You’re an intelligent man, Rich. Can you explain this? I can’t keep up.’

I’ll do my best, guv.

‘When he [Matthew, presumably] met Helen he was a woman having treatment to live as a man. They were together for four years — Alice living with them — and he claims she called him “Daddy” and he became her effective stepfather.

Self-defining gender: Caitlyn used to be a male athlete called Bruce Jenner, and is featured on the cover of Vanity Fair in a strapless corset

‘They [Matthew and Helen, do pay attention] split up in 2013 and Matthew has had no contact with Alice, who has been diagnosed with autism, for almost a year.

‘Having completed his gender reassignment, Matthew asked the Family Court to allow him to apply for an order for contact with Alice. His request was opposed by both Helen and Rachel, who said Alice had started to call herself Daniel and claim she was boy while living with Matthew.

‘Helen was said to be very concerned that he encouraged Alice [Daniel?] to wear boys’ clothes and told her to avoid playing with gender appropriate toys.’

I’m sorry if you read this yesterday, but it is worth repeating in some detail if we are to get any kind of handle on what on earth is occuring here. I’ll try to edit it as I go along.

Apparently, Helen claims that Matthew was ‘controlling and verbally and mentally abusive’ and became aggressive during his testosterone treatment.

As a result: ‘Helen, who suffers from personality disorder and has limited mobility, said she did not want Alice to stay overnight at the home of Matthew and his new partner James.’

Hi, James! Welcome to the House of Fun.

‘Rachel, who had been Helen’s civil partner, said Alice already had contact with both her mothers and her biological father, the gay sperm donor.’ Rachel now lives ‘in the community in supported accommodation’.

‘Matthew, who also has psychiatric problems, said Alice knew he used to be a woman but had only known him as a man.’

Hang on, when Matthew was living with Helen and Alice, he was still a woman undergoing gender reassignment treatment. We don’t know what his name was before he started calling himself Matthew, but it’s academic, anyway.

None of those involved can be identified for legal reasons to protect Alice’s (or should that be Daniel’s?) anonymity. And there’s the crux of all this. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that at the heart of this flying circus of selfishness is a vulnerable nine-year-old girl who has allegedly been encouraged to think of herself as a boy by a man who used to be a woman.

Is it any wonder Alice is confused, poor kid?

Alice was brought into this world by two lesbians, using sperm donated by a homosexual who was living with another man.

Her biological mother, Rachel, was subsequently sectioned with psychological problems and Alice was left in the care of Helen, the other half of the lesbian relationship, who suffers from a personality disorder and has limited mobility.

Helen took up with Matthew, who also has psychiatric problems and at the time was a woman undergoing gender reassignment treatment to become a man. Did no one at any stage stop to think what might be in the best interests of the child?

The lesbians were busy exercising their ‘right’ to have a baby by artificial insemination. Matthew was exercising his ‘right’ to become a man.

But what about their responsibilities towards Alice? Where the hell were social services in all of this? Celebrating diversity, probably.

No doubt in the authorities’ determination to be ‘non-judgmental’ any concerns about the welfare of this little girl went straight out of the window.

This is where the insanity of the ‘rights’ culture leads. And there is no group more militant or vituperative than the minuscule but totalitarian ‘trans’ lobby.

The BBC’s James Naughtie has been hounded into issuing a grovelling apology because he referred to someone called Caitlyn Jenner as ‘he/she’. Caitlyn used to be a male athlete called Bruce Jenner, and is apparently something to do with the American TV freak show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Jenner is featured on the cover of Vanity Fair in a strapless corset. Even though the athlete formerly known as Bruce has fathered children and is still, reportedly, in possession of a full set of male genitalia, his supporters insist ‘she has always been a woman’.

According to the new orthodoxy, people are allowed to self-define their gender. So if a man says he’s a woman, then the rest of us have to go along with it. There is no reasoning with these fanatics.

Presumably, then, I could announce that I was a Nigerian lesbian and no one would be able to argue with me. This is madness.

Look, I’ve written before that I support the right of the tiny number of people affected by gender dysphoria to receive treatment on the NHS. But there are other considerations, not least the impact on any children involved.

Children are moulded by their upbringing and environment. And in this case, it’s no surprise that Alice is such a crazy, mixed-up kid, given the adult role models in her life. She should have been taken into care years ago.

Fortunately, the Family Court turned down Matthew’s application for contact with her, on the grounds that it could be damaging to her wellbeing. How did this ever get to court and how much has it cost us?

After handing down his ruling, Judge Clifford Bellamy, an ordained Methodist minister, felt obliged to add: ‘Alice’s story is an example of the different ways in which modern family life is formed. It can be complicated.’

True, but please don’t try to pretend this is the new normal.

When Call Me Dave became Conservative leader in 2005, he insisted that we must support families of all shapes and sizes.

Fair enough. But I don’t think Alice’s dysfunctional ‘family’ — two lesbian mums with psychiatric problems, a gay sperm donor dad and a transsexual ‘step-father’ who encouraged her to become a boy — is exactly what he had in mind.

Obesity is in the news this week, with the Government warning that the number of dangerously overweight children is reaching epidemic proportions.

The head of the NHS said parents who let their kids gorge on fast food are putting them at risk of an early grave.

In Scotland, serious efforts are being made to tackle the problem of obesity. The Scottish Parliament has just introduced a Mars Bar packed in filo pasty — a healthier alternative to the popular deep-fried-in-batter version.

It’s not just humans, either. Scientists have revealed that, given the chance, chimpanzees would always choose hot food over cold.

They have a particular fondness for roast potatoes. If they ever get their hands on a chip pan, let alone deep-fried Mars Bars, the world could be taken over — Planet Of The Apes-style — by chimps the size of King Kong.

Gang of men in traffic cone costumes: Newquay faces a new menace on the fancy dress front

Conemen the barbarians

Today’s edition of Bring on the Oompa Loompas comes from Newquay. On Tuesday, I mentioned that the Cornish resort had been forced to introduce a ban on men wearing Borat-style mankinis.

Now Newquay faces a new menace on the fancy dress front. A gang of men in traffic cone costumes blocked the road and caused tailbacks in the town centre.

One of them even dived on the bonnet of a passing BMW. Others surrounded parked cars and held up a lorry. There were about 15 of them and they had been thrown out of a local pub, even though it was only just after 5pm.

Newquay has become a popular venue for stag and hen nights and every weekend the streets are invaded by drunks in increasingly extreme fancy dress outfits.

Mankinis are one thing. But the idiot dressed as a traffic cone who plonked himself in the path of a lorry is lucky he didn’t end up in the gutter like a squashed Cornish pasty.

One of the central figures in the Fifa scandal is a 30-stone, corrupt American official called Chuck Blazer. He sounds like a walk-on character from one of my Brit Limey U.S. television spoofs. A number of people have asked me if I made him up.

No, but I wish I had.

The BBC is reported to be offering Richard Hammond and James May a small fortune to recreate Top Gear with a different third host every week, the format adopted by Have I Got News For You after Angus Deayton’s enforced departure.

Both May and Hammond played a significant part in the programme’s staggering global success. But they were the backing singers.