RWW’s Paranoia-Rama takes a look at five of the week’s most absurd conspiracy theories from the Right.

Surviving Obama’s America isn’t easy. Not only do you have to watch for immigrant militias hunting straight men, but you can’t even go online without facing attacks from Big Government or demonic covens.

5) Beware Facebook Curses

Televangelist Pat Robertson has come up with a whole new reason to avoid Facebook oversharing: demonic curses. Robertson told a concerned mother that a satanic coven may levy curses on her daughter’s family if she posts an ultrasound photo on her Facebook page.

“There are demons and there are evil people in the world, and you post a picture like that and some cultist gets hold of it or a coven and they begin muttering curses against an unborn child,” Robertson warned. “You never know what somebody’s going to do.”

4) Fifty Shades Of Demons

The film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey” is out in theaters, which Charisma News pundit Ron Cantor would like us to know is no laughing matter. Cantor explains in a column this week for the right-wing outlet that the book and movie pose a grave threat to audiences, who may unknowingly succumb to the “honey trap” of demons: “I want to strongly encourage you: DON’T GIVE IN! It is a gateway to demonic bondage.”

Cantor related a personal experience in which he sat next to someone reading the book on an airplane, proving that “Fifty Shades is the forbidden fruit that is cool to eat—in public.”

“Many will be lured to this honey trap out of pour [sic] curiosity and some will leave with a fledging [sic] addiction,” he wrote. “No, not everyone—but why take a chance? Bottom line, is that this movie/book is dangerous not matter how trendy it is and will release a spirit of sexual perversion in the world.

3) Glenn Beck Still Doesn’t Understand Net Neutrality

The Obama administration’s efforts to protect net neutrality have been met with fierce criticism from conservative activists who are under the false impression that net neutrality is an entirely new principle that will undermine freedom.

Take for example Glenn Beck, who once unknowingly made the case for net neutrality during a diatribe against it, who this week insisted that the preservation of net neutrality means America is “stupid” and “deserve[s] to be wiped out.”

Beck then justified his position by claiming that he is “as convinced of this as I was about the caliphate,” referencing another false claim that he predicted the rise of the so-called Islamic State.

2) Straight Men Under Attack

While it is difficult for many to comprehend how hard it is to be a white heterosexual man in America, William Gheen of the anti-immigrant group ALIPAC gave us a hint about the daily hardships people like him are forced to endure during an interview with a right-wing radio show.

Gheen said that “Democratic socialists” are prepared to give undocumented immigrants “a badge and a gun and dominion over you” with jobs such as “prison guards, social service agents, federal and state employees,” and will eventually turn them loose on “people like me … a center-right, Christian, heterosexual male.”

1) Obama’s Muslim Finger

F.W. Burleigh, a columnist for The American Thinker, saw a photograph of President Obama at a summit with African leaders and, after a lot of thinking, determined that the president was “flashing the one-finger affirmation of Islamic faith to dozens of African delegates.” Burleigh wrote that the “astonishing photo” proves without a shadow of a doubt that Obama made “the distinctive Muslim gang sign” that “is symbolic of the one-God concept of Muhammad.”

Clearly, Obama is the first ever American politician to ever put their index finger in the air, except for all of these people.

But as in the case of Obama’s purported Muslim ring, Burleigh might just need to take a closer look.

The myth-busting website Snopes found video of the event, which clearly shows the president wagging his finger while joking with one of the dignitaries behind him. But perhaps laughter is another clear sign that Obama is a secret Muslim