Evidently most women and girls are only like virgins

By David Futrelle

Today’s Screencap of Wonderment comes to us from Reddit, I think, via the Bad Women’s Anatomy subreddit. In it, an inventive fellow tries to explain why, according to his calculations, virtually no “females” are actually virgins any more — even if they’ve never had sex.

Put on your thinking caps for this one, because his theory is a little convoluted.

I think this might have been written by Quentin Tarantino.

Here’s the dialogue in full in case you want to study it:

MR. BROWN

What the fuck was I talking about ? MR. ORANGE

You said “True Blue” was about a guy, you said it’s a girl who meets a nice guy.

But “Like a Virgin” was a metaphor for big dicks. MR. BROWN

Ok, let me tell ya what “Like a Virgin”‘s about.

It’s all about this cooze who’s a regular fuck machine.

I’m talking, morning, day, night, afternoon,

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. MR. BLUE

How many dicks is that? MR. WHITE

A lot. MR. BROWN

Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it’s like, whoa baby.

I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in “The Great Escape.” He’s diggin tunnels.

Now she’s gettin this serious dick action,

She’s feelin something she ain’t felt since forever. Pain. Pain JOE

Chew? Toby Chew? No. MR. BROWN

It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn’t hurt.

You know, her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now.

But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like it did the first time.

You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what is once like to be a virgin.

Hence, “Like a Virgin.”

In Tumblr dude’s mind, this is pretty much the story of every mom on earth. My mom. Your mom. Every mom.

He’s probably been watching way too much MILF porn.

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