I woke up one morning a year and a half ago and I wasn’t even certain of where exactly I was or what was going on. I was wearing two different socks, for example. And they weren’t even somewhat alike. One sock was dark blue and the other was light green with black stripes.

Anyway, I was in a messy waterbed, there were unused drugs lying on almost every surface in the room, and empty bottles of vodka cluttered the gestalt. It was a pretty wretched scene. I had vague recollections of the night before, and they were ugly recollections. Try waking up sometime with seratonin depletion from excessive chemical consumption and the fleeting remembrances of a sweaty, bloated, amphetamined Alex Jones standing behind you as you slump down on all fours, submissively accepting his anti-NWO manhood in all its porkly glory.

COINTELPRO? I was a COINTEL-HO – and a shameless one at that. I needed a new direction in my life.

So I reached out to the Illuminati. I had for too long endured the damage that paling around with the main anti-Illuminati warrior Alex Jones had done to my life. Perhaps I was barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. Perhaps I needed a change.

The Illuminati were warm and welcoming when I told them what had been going on. Instead of judging me, or rejecting me, they invited me to a special gathering at the Bohemian Grove. While I did involve myself in anal fornication during one particular orgiastic ceremony in honor of Moloch during my time at the Grove, I did not wake up feeling bad about it. On the contrary I felt totally alive. And while association with Alex Jones offered me a wealth of Youtube followers and discounts on infowars paraphernelia, the Illuminati were able to offer me fame and riches beyond my wildest dreams.

All I need to do is attend a few more ceremonies at the Grove, maybe sacrifice a virgin or two to Moloch, and I’m golden.

While Alex Jones and his sweet-talking may seem alluring to the young and easily fooled, take it from me: the Illuminati are your true friends. Jones will use you and just throw you away.

Don’t be an infowhore.