hmm…

Climbing in the new millennium is here, and with it brings the joys of consumerism and culture for the masses. Looking through the web, new products are being invented all the time and this comes at perhaps the benefit of climbing, but also may come at the bane of those who believe in slow development, promises that aren’t magical and generally the idea of good product design through iterative process. Too bad!

I listen to a podcast titled “Your Kickstarter Sucks,” which is where this article draws inspiration. I will look through some funded Kickstarter campaigns here (and some failed) and perhaps point out where I think the first round of questions would really come up for me.

Before I get into this, however, please know that if a product is good it will speak for itself and so please use the “f*ck the haters” motto here if you are a kickstarter that I am bashing. Let your dreams only be limited by the amount of molecules on this green Earth. Honestly, most of these were funded and in such allowed a certain amount of people to hopefully be incrementally happier.

The inflatable portaledge (G7 POD)

Okay

The first one here is the G7 Pod: an inflatable portaledge that doubles as a sleeping pad as well.

The upside is obvious: ditch some weight while you get up that big wall. Generally, portaledges are hefty, heavy (15 lbs) and awkward, on the best of days. These guys want to make this as simple as possible.

What else is astonishing is that they got funded in 42 minutes. Get that bag, player. I guess that the having the highest tier, which is the $770/$895 dollar tier at 40 backers makes this auto-funded. 40 people willing to dish out for this thing seems not crazy, and thinking that they know lots of industry and shops makes sense. I heard somewhere that one of the designers worked for a few big brands and are using some of the technology, which is great.

What the big detractors I see immediate are what follow:

The constant abrasion through the person sleeping and moving or the wind would easily turn one side of the ledge into mashed potatoes. Re-inflation during the night would be a giant ordeal. Any sort of valve damage would require a recall and replacement the person closest to the wall seems to lose a lot of real estate when it comes to the pad No rigidity makes the taco effect obvious, especially with the suspension method. Ice forming in it would degrade the materials quite quickly (humidity being trapped) Honestly, the weight advantage is not enough to bet the house on this thing. Generally you’re looking at a 200+ lbs pig for a multi-day climb, why would taking out 10 lbs be enough to sway your feeling about the wall?

That said, I’m sure there are good ways to counter this but I really am not super sure this will ever be the norm. If you do more than a few walls a year, it would surprise me that you would invest in this. Perhaps extreme alpinists would use this (but watch your crampons). I do see a use case for rescue, but once again, a helicopter is pretty good a carrying 10 lbs.

The Firefly

Re-inventing the wheel.

Another project that is highly dubious is the Firefly. It promises to never lose a draw ever again by way of lowering your draw for you.

The first thing that comes to mind now is that every newly minted gym climber and their massive crew of friends are going to be trying basically all the hardest routes above their head without the need to ever think about lines or being courteous. Just great.

What is more annoying, however, is that this is actually something you can do without a widget that is purposely constructed for this. It’s called the Texas Rope Trick and has been around for a long time. You basically just rap down off a sling that you tie off.

Another thing that is concerning is that now we are going to increase the likelihood of people dying off rapping off one bolt. A single point of failure is pretty fun and will be normalized by this piece of gear.

Add a prussik to this death device

I guess what makes me mad about all this is the gym-atization of the crag and the lack of even learning skills to get your stuff back and rather buying something that will save you. Climbing with stronger climbers, trying routes you know you can do and stick clipping on lead are already all available! Why do we need this thing?!

Finally, I think you can easily pay 3 bucks for a quick link that you use every once in a while. Call me old school but this seems like it will never amount to the 40 dollar price tag needed here. Who is constantly bailing off hard routes that can’t afford a quick link? Stop trying these routes!

Penis Nut Tool

Yeah this is extremely confusing why someone wouldn’t want a extremely inefficient, just-for-kicks, looks like a penis nut tool.

I mean, guys, it’s a penis. Did i mention you clips one of the nuts?!

Rocket pack (made by Organic)

I mean it looks good. But for $168, I wonder why they weren’t able to make up the costs of starting up this product.

If I had this much money to spend I’d probably go with something that people actually climb with: Patagonia, Arcteryx or Black Diamond packs. I’ve ordered packs without knowing anything about them and let me tell you it’s not easy to know how something is going to fit your body before placing an order (read: they didn’t fit me).

Plus, you know this guy is taking a hefty cut as there is no way this is worth that price tag. Organic makes a pack for $85, which looks just as good if not better. I’m sure if he’d have started a bit lower than a 50%+ uplift for himself it may have gone through. Tough!

Rack Sack – Trad climbing bag

There is no good use case for this product. You basically have little straps and compartments for your gear to keep it from touching. Perfect. I really hated the way my quick draws touched my cams.

What sucks the most about this is that it only carries the amount of gear that this guy decided on. Water bottle? Triple rack? Offwidth rack? Nope! you’re taking the standard doubles rack you know and love every time. Like to eat? You’re taking another bag! I would consider this better if it had more space and didn’t seem so anti-ergonomic.

Astonishingly, he adds a figure 8 descender in there just to show us what we can carry. Here’s an easy way to not have to spend $150 USD or $220 AUS on a bag: buy some dry bags to separate everything. Honestly, 5 dry bags cost a total of $50 and would easily keep you from spending this much on a single use product. Also they are waterproof and can carry non-trad gear.

Modular Climbing wall

This kickstarter wants to bolt fancy panels to your wall complete with holds. You may ask: Why do i need these guys to cut out panels and add T-nuts for me? In which you’d be completely correct in questioning this kickstarter.

Another thing here is that it’s all great until someone uses chalk on your wall. Also, you need a specific wall stud layout to add to your wall. Also, you’re going to be doing the install. Also, all your climbing is now perfect vertical climbing (you know, the most common angle).

Who wouldn’t want this?

What the funniest bit is is that you get a bunch of holds from them. You know, this company that doesn’t usually make holds. Who knows which holds you’re getting. Maybe extremely bad holds. Hope you like chalk all over your house. Hope you like whatever holds we’re giving you.

Titanium nut tool

Another thing we didn’t know we didn’t need until some guy decided to try.

Honestly, not sure why aluminium or steel is too heavy. Shaving grams here. Doesn’t even have any other functions. I preferred the penis.

Tiny Magnetic Holds for Fridges

So this one is at least a little cuter than the others. I can relate to wanting to do this. It’s a really fun gift for someone who is a gym climber or a setter. As well, it’s objectively fun to play with magnets.

That said, I already hate being asked about rock climbing on the daily when it comes to what it all means and what a hold is and what indoor vs outdoor is. This would only exacerbate this feeling. People would walk into my house and say, “oh cool magnets, can you tell me about Alex Honnold?”

What really confused me is that the price to entry was set at $35,000 dollars. What were you expecting? I can expect that this would have taken off as a stocking gift during the winter but who were you kidding with this goal? It seemed like there was no willingness to take any risk here. The person deliberately wanted all the sales to be done before the holds were made. Basically just drop ship these, I don’t feel like having stock.

Spring Loaded Nut Tool

A spring loaded nut tool that supposedly takes nuts and cams out easier. This one seems fine. It got funded. No reviews from anyone that I’ve ever seen.

What is weird here is that the action of a nut tool is not to smash something in any direction. It’s to actually try to move it in the setting direction. This would only lead to people thinking stuck nuts were a reality instead of trying harder. This basically makes the same list as the Rack Sack (same designer, actually) in which it is something that didn’t need to be invented and yet was invented.

People love springs. I refuse to believe this isn’t useful.

Ape Chalk Bag (for charity)

This ape chalk bag is supposed to be both a fun ape toy chalk bag and would plant one tree per chalk bag for apes. Unfortunately I was born a cynic and I hate everything, especially this, as I cannot see why more materialistic consumerism would help our friends the animals and the Earth. Seems like this person wanted to make chalk bags that were cute.

Besides, doesn’t this really just make the point of one of these chalk bags, that it would be original, not so? If you wanted a cool goofy chalk bag, I wouldn’t buy one that was identical to a thousand others.

Gym that wanted to fund a Moonboard

This gym wanted to hold a fundraiser and decided to do so on Kickstarter as a fun way to waste a bit of the funding and to also make all their member sign up for longer memberships.

What I don’t get here is the why. Why waste this money giving it to kickstarter if you can just talk to the customers directly? Below I’ve decided to write a script:

Dear sir/ma’am. We, the climbing gym, would very much like to get a moonboard. However, we cannot afford it right now without a large intake of memberships or by waiting some time before doing so. We’ve decided not to hold a competition or a movie night, known fundraising events, as we don’t believe in this sort of trickery. That said, could you please buy a membership and we could afford more stuff? We really need more memberships right now.

Honestly, I don’t get it. Just buy it for your customers. It seems like you could have had more success in this way. Or perhaps this was a weird way to drum up business.

That said, I looked up the gym and it seems like it is now permanently closed. Seems like there’s another gym in town now. Who knows what happened here, I’m sure there is extremely good gossip here in Rochester, Minnesota, which could be shared. What a beautiful world we live in.

Beta Climbing Holds

This hold company is setting out to start making holds. However, their hold set, color choice and general attitude in the kickstarter seems to really look extremely low budget. Generally people are going to want to invest in something new. The world’s biggest hold! The best holds for training! A hold that is more fun than sliced bread!

No, nothing new to see here. Just buy some holds. We’re already making them. No updates from the campaign. A quick slideshow video.

Final thoughts

Do i think kickstaters will continue to exist? Yes. Unfortunately. But, what’s extremely annoying is that generally they are just bad ideas with people looking through rose colored eyeglasses. The first idea was the only idea that I could get behind, and even then it seemed like a stretch (note: I don’t do wall climbing so what do I know).

New ideas should be monetized by someone who starts a company, markets to their community and organically grows outwards. If you buy a piece of climbing swag online without it even being made, I think it may lead to some incredibly under-satisfied people in the end. Remember, none of these have quality reviews or have been tested before production (outside of prototypes) for long term use. Pictures are taken to make things look good and videos to show best case scenario. Even that spring loaded nut tool is already looking like it needs to be re-calibrated, based on the creator’s website.

Feel free to roast me, but hey, I don’t love this new business age that we live in! Bring back catalogs!