Don't miss Coleen's weekly email newsletter Sign up Thank you for subscribing We have more newsletters Show me See our privacy notice Invalid Email

Dear Coleen

About 15 years ago I went out with a girl who was nearly four years younger than me. There were lots of great times – she was attractive and had a great sense of humour, but she could also be very immature.

After a while this began to get on my nerves and I told her I wanted to end things, but never took the time to explain why.

Then a few months later I met my future wife and my ex began stalking me. I thought she’d get fed up in time, but it carried on and eventually she started to sit in her car and wait for me to come back from work each night.

After a week of it I totally lost my temper and said if she didn’t leave me alone I was going to tell the police. Well, that worked and we never saw her again.

I’ve now split from my wife, although we get on fine and have two fantastic sons together. I’ve never forgotten my ex, though, and over the past five years I’ve start to think about her a lot. I feel guilty about the way I treated her (my ex-wife says I can be impatient and intolerant at times), and I’ve been thinking that she probably wasn’t that immature, but the age gap was maybe just too much at that time.

I’ve found out she’s moved back in with her dad to care for him and I’d love to contact her, not really to begin a relationship again, but to have a talk and hopefully become friends.

This business about calling the police is a real problem – I just wish I’d handled things better.

Do you think I should contact her or leave things as they are?

Coleen says

I think you have to get straight in your mind why you’re contacting her.

After what you went through with her, why does it make sense to get back in touch? Are you just feeling lonely since splitting from your wife?

Make sure it’s not for selfish reasons – perhaps you haven’t met anyone since your divorce and it would be good to get back in touch with someone who was besotted with you?

That’s not fair on her, especially if you make her feel there’s something between you when there isn’t.

It sounds as if she was young 15 years ago and didn’t handle things ­brilliantly, but she will have grown up and might be embarrassed about how she reacted at the time.

People do change – you can look back and admit that you didn’t behave well either by not explaining why you ended the relationship.

If you do get in touch as a friend to apologise for the way things ended, then fine. But don’t lead her on, because you’ll probably regret it.

More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan's advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems