The concept of celebrating fathers, today, is nearly a universal one. According to Wikipedia, “Father's Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.” However, many may be surprised to know that the official holiday is only 43 years old and that historically it had a dramatic and slow emergence characterized by . Before focusing on how to grow resilience through practicing , let’s briefly consider this history, to truly appreciate the holiday.

A Brief History of Father's Day

In Fairmont, West Virginia, in 1908, a woman named Grace Golden Clayton was the loss of her father who had recently been killed along with 360 other men, 250 of them fathers, in a Mining Disaster nearby. In the wake of this tragedy that left a thousand children fatherless, Clayton asked her pastor to honor all the fathers. The event was held, but it did not gain any traction as a holiday. Two years later, another Father's Day celebration was held in Spokane, Washington, at the YMCA thanks to Sonora Smart Dodd, who wished to honor her father, William Jackson Smart, a Civil War veteran who had raised his six children on his own. Inspired by a recent Mother’s Day sermon at her church, she urged her pastor to hold a similar holiday for fathers. This time the celebration gained more traction; honorary sermons were held throughout the city, and Dodd tried to raise national awareness by teaming up with trade groups and approaching manufacturers of traditional gifts for fathers (e. ., ties, tobacco pipes) to advertise this celebration honoring fathers.

But Americans resisted the holiday for a few decades because they were cynical and thought merchants were just trying to make a buck, just like they had done with Mother’s Day. Though a bill giving national recognition to the holiday was introduced by Congress in 1913 and President Woodrow Wilson tried to make it an official holiday by returning to Spokane to speak in a Father's Day celebration three years later, like the American public, Congress also resisted its recognition out of concern that it would become commercialized. Resistance to the holiday continued, and though other presidents encouraged its recognition as a formal holiday (Calvin Coolidge in 1924 and Lyndon Johnson in 1966), it wasn’t officially signed into law until 1972 by President Richard Nixon.

Can We Be Grateful For a Terrible Father?

So this Father’s Day, with blogs buzzing about what makes the quintessential dad, or about top ‘pop’ gifts, what about those who have not-so-great dads? Is it possible for them to appreciate a holiday dedicated to fathers? After all, dads make us, shape us, and they come in all varieties. Therefore, let’s get real for a second and accept that mediocre or “bad” dads exist and jump to the more interesting question – can one be thankful for a terrible father?

Absolutely. Hear us out.

While plenty of research has focused on resilience and how to support it, research in psychology is virtually mute about how to find gratitude for a parent who disappoints or fails us. The concept is difficult to grasp, partly because our own choices and contortions end up factoring in (e.g. we might be competitive to prove dad wrong, or angry with ourselves for making bad choices in reaction to dad). However, there’s always a silver lining that can lead to gratitude and growth. And it’s helpful to know how to grow positively thanks to dad, even with dads that are less than loving.

But how, and what’s the key?

A recent conversation among team members at the Youth Gratitude Project — a lab I direct exploring the measurement and promotion of gratitude in children and adolescents — provide some clues.

Jacklyn Kim:

"Last month I found out my uncle’s been in the hospital suffering from stage four pancreatic cancer. Cancer for anyone is ugly news, but our family’s initial shock came from the fact that he refused to tell us about it, until the hospital called.

His first reason for shutting us out was pride. My uncle never needed nor felt obligated to stay connected to the people in his life. He was an abusive , abandoned his wife and kids without a single child support check, didn’t attend either of his two sons’ weddings, and when his youngest son was in and out of the hospital for a year on dialysis, fighting for his life, he never visited even once. And the list goes on…

The second reason he refused to tell us: he knew he hurt us, and no one would come for him.

And yet, as much as my family thought we hated him, we had to visit. For the first time in my life, I saw my two cousins look at their deteriorating father with filial dutifulness, not resentment. I saw him hold his ex-wife’s hand in tears, wishing their lives had been better. He wasn’t the most pleasant to be around at a cranky 90-pounds undergoing radiation, but we did everything to show him the only thing we could – family.

I can’t say my cousins are grateful for the things their father did, but when I see them today, they’re such awesome characters. The bittersweet lessons harvested from their father have shaped them indelibly, and I’m proud to say they’re both living fulfilling lives ready to father children of their own."

Yvonne Huffaker:

"I can relate. The message I got growing up was that I was “not good enough, not smart enough, and if I disappeared, everyone might be happier.” Dad left when I was 16, and I left home before graduation. I hung out with the wrong crowd, dated losers, and had friends who were anything but friends. I felt worthless; was often negative. Nothing went right; nothing was easy. Everything felt like .

Until I met Louie. He and I were day camp counselors together. He was a school teacher – my aspiration – who took me under his wing. Louie saw something great in me that I didn’t. He saw “good;” he saw “smart;” he saw “amazing.” Baffled, I thought, “He must be crazy!” When we sat together at lunch, he would make comments about how creative I was, or how great I was with the kids. The compliments—I had not gotten many as a kid — felt strange and foreign. Louie would stop me in the middle of a negative comment and ask me if this was the “truth that I wanted to believe?” It sounded crazy, but negative events started becoming inconveniences, not punishments. He helped me focus on the good things. And more good things happened.

Toward the end of the summer, Louie gave me a Winnie the Pooh piggy bank and on the bottom he wrote, “To be filled with happy thoughts.” Perplexed, I said, “What?” He told me to write one good thing every day on a slip of paper and deposit it. Every day seemed impossible, but I agreed.

Early thoughts were barely positive: “Today didn’t suck,” “Nothing bad happened.” But with time, the thoughts changed, and strangely, I started believing in good and in what Louie saw in me. One day, a year later, I went to make a deposit: the bank was full! I dumped out the slips, weeping as I read them. A few days later, I applied to four top colleges despite thinking I had no chance. Turns out, Louie was right — I got accepted to all four with scholarships!

So, I had a relationship with my dad that left me raw, alone, and feeling worthless. Am I grateful? Sometimes. But without my dad, I wouldn’t have been ready for Louie; might not have cared or noticed even him. But I got the message and ran. I changed. Confident, I became driven, got my teaching credential, my masters (graduated with honors), married my best friend. I wanted to matter."

Choosing Gratitude Even When It's Difficult

So when I say it’s possible to be grateful for not-so-great-dads, I don't mean to offend or disparage those in less fortunate circumstances. Whether your dad is perfect, challenging, or gone, it’s worthwhile to think about the valuable lessons that no one but you can gain in your situation. We ALWAYS have choices, even when things seem dire. Research shows that we commonly underestimate how resilient we are and that we actually are not very good at predicting our own future. So even if you have, or had, a bad dad, you can still find something to appreciate in your journey thanks to dad. Consider how he challenged you, taught you sacrifice or persistence, spurred you to take risks, showed you courage, etc.

We are learning that social connections can transform us if we adopt an attitude of gratitude. Your story is not set in stone. Believe in fervently. Indeed, recent research shows that belief in free will is an important quality for experiencing gratitude. Quite simply, gratitude is about becoming the best intentional person you can be in the world. Gratitude discovered energizes us to love, help others, and make a difference in the world. This is how you can grow gratitude that’s just as authentic for a terrible father as for an ideal father. Be grateful for these lessons, because no holiday should be spent wistfully. Who knows, like Louie, you might just save someone too, just like these dads:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoQssWPRNR0

Note: Yvonne Huffaker (Youth Gratitude Project Coordinator) and Jacklyn Kim (journalism student at CSUDH) contributed to this article.

For more ideas on living and extending gratitude to the young people in your life purchase Making Grateful Kids at: http://amzn.to/1vtQYxK

Copyright Giacomo Bono, Ph.D. 2015

References:

Gilbert, D. (2009). Stumbling on . Vintage Canada.

Father’s Day (n.d.). In Wikipedia. Retrieved June 19, 2015, from

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father%27s_Day

MacKenzie, M. J., Vohs, K. D., & Baumeister, R. F. (2014). You didn’t have to do that: Belief in free will promotes gratitude. and Social Psychology Bulletin, 0146167214549322.