‘Absolutely nothing has changed’

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Brianna Fisher Photograph: Courtesy Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school

I used to scroll through Instagram to look at the pictures of my friends out to dinner or at the beach – I thought my life revolved around following them. But when 14 February changed my life, it also changed my Instagram feed.

What I saw were memorials and obituaries dedicated to the victims of the shooting. I saw tributes to the school and reminders that this community was “MSD Strong”. Worst of all, I saw pictures of the shooter plastered on my phone.

A year later, absolutely nothing has changed. Every 14th of the month – social media, whether that be Instagram, Snapchat or especially Twitter – is flooded with posts in honor of the victims. My “popular” page is filled with strangers sharing news articles from the shooting and videos from the shooting.

Social media used to be my way of escaping and taking a break from reality. Now, it is yet another medium through which I am trapped in living my new reality: having survived a school shooting. Brianna Fisher, 16 years old

‘I question myself: what’s wrong with me?’

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Leni Steinhardt Photograph: Courtesy Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

My ability to concentrate has always been tested in high school. But now, I find it difficult to make it past five questions on my math test without having my mind overridden by fears and doubts.

My most difficult times are when I am in the building where the massacre occurred. In my trigonometry class, if I look up for just one second to think of a possible equation, the building stares back at me. I quickly scan the room of places I would hide if the shooter ever came back, where my evacuation site would be and if I would be the student gunned down first because I’m near a window or door. I question myself: what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I stop looking?

I haven’t been able to pick up a novel in months. Even when I do, my mind dwindles off to the dark and crowded classroom I was hiding in on 14 February. It’s as if my mind takes over, and I go into autopilot. I am constantly distracted. Leni Steinhardt, 17 years old

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‘It could happen again’

Walking these halls is hard. I won’t lie. It’s hard to think, “this is where I would always see Gina” or “this is where that infamous video of Joaquin was taken”, but in order to get to third period, I have to pass those spots around school and my brain has convinced itself that I need the daily reminder of what used to be there.

Walking with friends makes the commute more bearable but walking alone to the bathroom, or alone to classes, allows my brain to venture into this little dark corner that has formed around the idea that it could happen again.

The memories are still here, fresh. We have spent every single school day inside this school, where 17 lives were unjustly taken, walking the halls they used to walk. While the news trucks have driven off to cover other tragedies, we are still here, aching, yet pushing through the pain until we reach graduation. Year after year, class after class will finally be freed from this campus, but our teachers need to stay, living through what we have finally escaped. Einav Cohen, 16 years old

‘It’s like a song on repeat’

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Zoe Gordon Photograph: Courtesy Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

Everyone loved it when they had a class in the freshman building. I was always thankful for the cool gushing air from the AC that blasted on my face during the hottest of days. But since 14 February, my feelings about it are forever changed. It looms over all of us, as we are constantly reminded of attending a school that is also the site of a crime scene.

As I walk into school – now having to walk around the entire building due to new security changes – there is an unspoken understanding between us to look directly forward and not say anything.

Why we do this is unclear. Maybe we are trying to focus on the fact that we walk into school to better our lives, not end them. I keep blocking out the horrific thought of classmates running away from bullets.

I will never have the high school experience that most other teens get to boast about, despite how our administration tries to make our school “normal” again. By walking past the building every school day, I am forced to relive that day in my mind, like a song that is on repeat. Zoe Gordon, 16 years old

‘We are still here and still struggling every day’

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Dara Rosen Photograph: Courtesy Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

Having gone through a traumatic event on Valentine’s Day, I don’t think I will ever get over the rest of the world celebrating a “day of love” when we are mourning the anniversary of 17 deaths and our normalcy being stolen.

In stores just a few miles from my high school, I’m confronted with huge, extravagant Valentine’s Day displays and find it overwhelming and insensitive. Going back to the site of a mass shooting day in and day out is a struggle enough.

As soon as I see these displays, my day is immediately ruined, and in my mind, I go back to 14 February 2018 and am once again trapped in a dark room for hours.

It has only been a year since the shooting and it seems as though even our own community has forgotten that, we are still here and still struggling every day. While I understand that businesses are just trying to make money or be in the “spirit of love”, that is no longer what the once cheesy, fun holiday of Valentine’s Day means for many of us. Dara Rosen, 17 years old

‘I have panic attacks daily’

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Taylor Yon Photograph: Courtesy Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

After the shooting, I tried to jump right back into my normal life. I wanted to be strong for my friends, so at times I would suppress my own emotions to help others. I put on a happy face and held back my tears.

Coming back to school this August caused all my feelings to resurface. I started school with confidence, hoping that I would be able to persevere. But the shooting worsened my anxiety in and out of school and left me with horrifying nightmares every night.

I am typically an A/B student, but this year my grades have dropped dramatically. On 14 February, I was in my Algebra 2 class in the freshman building. To me, it is not a coincidence that I have the biggest problems with math.

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I sleep during the day after school because I can’t get through the restless nights. This leaves me with lots of unfinished assignments and zero motivation to fix it.

I have panic attacks on a daily basis. I have been going to a therapist and we have tried different techniques to help me relax, but nothing is working so far. Most days I feel as if going to school and getting my work done is a battle that I’m fighting. Taylor Yon, 17 years old

This story was reported by the Eagle Eye, the award-winning student newspaper of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida where 17 people were killed in a shooting one year ago today. It is part of an ongoing partnership between the Guardian and the student journalists, who also ran The Guardian’s coverage of the March for our Lives protests against gun violence last spring.

