SPOILER ALERT: This blog is for people watching Downton Abbey series six. Don’t read on if you haven’t seen series six, episode one.

Break out the Veuve Clicquot from the coolest part of the cellar! Isis’s backside is back! It’s typically Downton that they will never change the credits, not even out of respect for the dead. Poor Isis. Gone. But her backside never to be forgotten.

And so we return to the usual collision of wonderful emotive acting performances and ludicrously bonkers exposition. Hooray to the max for this first episode of the final season, though, as Carson and Mrs Hughes are still getting married! But what’s this? She’s having doubts? Oh, only about taking her pinny off in front of Mr Carson.

This was one of the most enjoyable mini-plotlines in the whole of Downton’s history. Making Mrs Patmore ask Mr Carson if he was only marrying Mrs Hughes so that he could get his end away. Except she wasn’t able to come out with that and so we saw her navigate the situation with a series of increasingly desperate but brilliant euphemisms. “Yes … but do you expect to share your, er, way of life?” If this were an episode of Friends it would have been called The One With Too Much Information.

Other news: Thomas has become a manny. (“You let those children run you ragged.”) Lady Mary wants to run the estate but not before seeing off a nasty blackmailer lady with a pronounced regional accent. (I presumed the Mr Pamuk blackmailing would return here but I was wrong. This was over the illicit hotel visit with Tony Gillingham on the day of The Famous Monkey Haircut.) And Cousin Violet and Cousin Isobel are at war over something very tedious about a hospital.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Potential blackmail alert! Photograph: Nick Briggs/ITV

Edith is looking obscenely gorgeous, even if the narrative threads that have defined her haven’t changed in three series (spinster, Imposter Child, newspaper job). Oh, and by the way, she has met Virginia Woolf! I love that Edith is still supposedly running the paper by phone, taking important calls in a series of ever increasingly fabulous outfits. “He doesn’t like taking orders from a woman.” No, I think he doesn’t like taking orders from someone who is trying to run a newspaper from North Yorkshire.

Best bit? Mr Spratt saying “in your usual maladroit fashion” to Denker. The definition of contempt. Whatever nuclear stink Spratt has under his nose at all times, he should bottle and sell it to the War Office as it could be used in international warfare. Go, Spratt. And welcome back, Downton. We love you. This isn’t some pat-a-cake friendship lie. Well, it is a bit. But welcome back anyway.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Sergeant Willis (Howard Ward) arrives to try and explain what happened in that murder that no-one quite understands. Photograph: Nick Briggs/ITV

Random subplot alert

Finally we know that neither Anna or Bates killed Mini-Den, the valet Green. Did anyone follow exactly how he was killed? It was extremely convoluted and unlikely and valiant though the efforts of the Hopeless Expositionary Policeman were to convey this twist, it all seems rather shrouded in mist. Green insulted this woman and she pushed him over and now she has confessed? So it was supposed to be an accident? Or it wasn’t an accident? Or it doesn’t matter? Seeing as we have been following this “terrible murder” for two years, this seems like something of a let-down. But at least Anna is off the hook. Meanwhile, Bates redeemed himself with the wonderful scene between him and Anna where she revealed her miscarriages. Damn you, Downton.

Surprise character development

Following her re-education as a quasi-Nobel prize winner for maths in previous series, this episode it was Daisy’s turn to speak up for the workers’ right as she pointed out the injustice of the new owners of a manor turfing out lifelong tenants. The reaction of her father-in-law behind her back, shuddering and collapsing like one of Mrs Patmore’s jellies on a bad night, was vintage. Daisy (Sophie McShera) is adorable and I do wish they would give her more to do apart from the odd bonkers outburst from time to time.

Golden eyebrow of the week award

Step aside, everyone. Only one person can be in contention and it’s multiple golden eyebrow winner Mr Carson. “I hadn’t fully considered all the aspects of marriage ...” “I don’t understand what aspects?” Pause. “Oh my Lord. You mean ...” Pause. “Yes. That is precisely what I mean.” This was not the raising of an eyebrow. This was the stratospheric upward rocketing of the entire brow, forehead, scalp and hair follicles. Absolutely fantastic stuff from Jim Carter, whose mastery of the brow area is a challenge to the entire cast. Consider the gauntlet thrown down, fellow actors.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Arch that eyebrow Mr Carson, we know what’s on your mind… Photograph: Nick Briggs/ITV/PA

Excuse me, could you just repeat that awkward line of dialogue?

“Do you really like riding like that when a side-saddle is so much more graceful?” Let’s not talk about what’s been between Lady Mary’s thighs. The ghost of Mr Pamuk wept.



“No-one’s clapped eyes on him without his togs for years.” Mrs Patmore on Mr Carson. Oh but in our dreams, Mrs Patmore, in our dreams ...



“He’s a nice boy and I think I’ve shown him the right way to go about things.” Thomas to the new boy, Andy. Now, Thomas, come along. You know where this sort of thing has led before ...

“Well, then, Mr Carson, if you want me, you can have me, to quote Oliver Cromwell, warts and all.” Oh, Mrs Hughes! Or shall we call you “Elsie”?



Next week

The battle lines are drawn in the Great Tedious Hospital War! Mary has taken the Imposter Child back to the farm! And Thomas is arguing with Mrs Patmore. We can see the intensity of the excellent performances on show here already. But there’s no getting away from the fact that this is going to be a very long and drawn-out finale …