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So a dear cousin of mine got married a week back and in the two days that I was there, I spent half of my time getting emotional and the rest observing everything and creating a list of instructions which would be useful to noobs to the Indian wedding. Here’s what you need to do survive a typical Indian wedding:

1. Beta, paani mat lana

If any dada-nana asks you to bring water, make an excuse and don’t bring it. Because if you do, then every other person who sees you bringing water will ask you to get it for them and it’ll start a never ending infinite loop.

2. Shit happens

Shit happens, but it’s worse when it happens without the availability of water. Whenever you’re going to the toilet, even if ‘it’ is bursting out of your holes, take 5 seconds and check if there is water in the taps and then prepare yourself accordingly.

3. Don’t explore the unexplored

In an Indian marriage, no one is a stranger. Going into a room that you haven’t been in before only means meeting more people who you haven’t met before and telling them stuff about how you are, how your family is and what is going on with your life, the same as you’ve been doing for the past 4 hours. Or you carry multiple copies of a short resume and give it to anyone you meet.

4. Stay away from the know-it-alls

If you’re studying engineering, don’t go anywhere near any mama or chacha who happens to be an engineer, and if you do, be prepared to tell them each detail about what subjects you’re studying and to hear all their college-time super pakau stories and force a fake-smile and fake-tell them how awesome they were.

5. Khana lag gaya hai

Grab a plate, get your food and hide in a corner as soon as you see food, because if you wait for elders to finish first, you’ll be stuck in multiple infinite loops of point 1 of bringing water, roti, daal and achar to everyone you’ve encountered by not following point 3.

6. Sawari apne saaman ki zimmedar khud hai

Take care of your belongings. If you don’t wear your chappals, someone else will and that someone else will be your chacha from whom you can’t ask for your chappal back. But you can afford to be careless if you, yourself, are a chacha and have people whom you can steal chappals from.

7. Look busy

Always look busy, because if you don’t, the ladki ki maa aur ladke ka baap hand you some work and make you busy. And you go to wedding to eat free food and not to actually work, right?

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