Donald Trump, darling of the far right, has just announced plans to write an autobiographical manifesto of sorts, detailing his plans, hopes, and dreams for the future of the United States. “I’ve had a hard life growing up,” Trump told reporters. “My dad could only give me a small seven figure loan to get on my feet, and it’s amazing I’ve been able to come so far, considering all the ways this country’s policies has made life difficult for me. Rich white men are really discriminated against these days, and I want to make sure the world knows all about it.”

The book plans to outline a fair chunk of his political ideology as well. It will cover such topics as why Muslims are the root of all problems in America today. “America should be for Americans. We don’t need any of these refugees coming in here. Terrorists. Drug dealers. We need to come up with an answer to all of this. A permanent answer. A final solution of some sort, so we don’t need to keep revisiting the issue. Maybe they should all move to Madagascar. Maybe something else. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be huge.”

Of course, Trump has big plans for himself these days. He remains the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for President, and he’s already planning some of his policies, should he be elected. “Right off, I’m going to invade Poland.” (At this point, an aide leaned over and whispered something in his ear, after which he cleared his throat and continued.) “Syria. Invade Syria. Sorry about that. Freudian slip. I also have been eyeing the Sudetenland.” (Another pause for another whispered conversation.) “Or rather, Canada. They’re pretty much America already. I’m sure they’d love to have me running their country. America could really use some breathing space up north, you know? A little bit of Lebensraum.”

And finally, no interview with Mr. Trump could be complete without one final question: his hair. Is it real, or a toupee? “Absolutely real,” Trump reassured us. “And it’s key to my image. History has shown how great leaders always have something going on with their hair. Something special. I thought about growing out a little mustache for a while. Nothing big. Something tidy that sits right under my nose. I even tried it, but it made my face tickle, and it made me look even more like a rodent. The combover was my next idea, and it fits me.”

The publishing world eagerly awaits the new book by Trump. In the meantime, we’ll all have to settle for his keen insight and quick wit. His effortless tact and scintillating acumen. It’s hard to imagine a more charismatic leader, able to whip up the nation into a furor. Stay tuned as the story continues to develop…

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