Folks, I’ve done it again. It’s all “James Neal this” and “James Neal that.” Well, I’m here to tell you that Milan Lucic is better than James Neal and I’ve got the science to back it up, so buckle up.

Firstly, sure, Neal may be second in the NHL in goals, but it’s actually a bad thing and here’s why: Connor McDavid is “arguably” the greatest player in the league (even though Johnny Gaudreau literally exists but okay), and the only thing he has going for him is some people (maybe about 1% of hockey fans) thinking he’s the greatest player in the league. Then comes James Neal and scores four goals in a game, taking away McDavid’s shine. Now, not only is McDavid not leading the league in goals but he’s not even leading his team in goals. Lucic would never steal the shine from anyone on the Flames. We’ve got to give a point to Lucic here.

Sure, Neal scored four goals in a game. Big deal, a baby could do that. Lucic made a nice pass over to Sam Bennett so he could score against the Detroit Red Wings. Neal was never able to help Bennett score. You could score all the goals in the world, but only a truly elite player can make Sam Bennett look good, so we’ve gotta give a point to Lucic for that.

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Neal’s nickname is “Real Deal James Neal”. The point of nicknames is to be shorter than your current name, meaning he’s a moron. Lucic’s nickname is “Luuuuuuu”, shorter than Lucic, meaning Lucic is not a moron and knows what a nickname is. Adding on to that, James Neal has two first names. It’s a known fact that you cannot trust anybody with two first names, deeming him untrustworthy. Moreso, saying “Real Deal James Neal” takes much more effort than just saying “Luuuuuuuu”. That should technically be three points for Lucic, but we’ll just give him one for that to not completely obliterate Neal in this battle.

Lucic has vocally expressed his hatred for the Vancouver Canucks and their fans. After being punched in a nightclub in 2013, he stated, “I have no reason left to try and defend my city, and the people of my city. Other than being at Rogers Arena, no one will ever see me in downtown Vancouver ever again.” Neal has never expressed any sort of dislike for Vancouver or their fans, so we’ve gotta give a point to Lucic here.

Neal also asked to be traded away from a playoff team meaning he values his own stats more than the team. Lucic waived his NMC to join a team he could contribute to, which shows how much of a team player he is. Another point for Lucic.

I do have to give one point to Neal, though. Last season, he was seen on the ice giving Mike Smith shit for playing a puck that would have been icing (skip to about 10:12 of the video).

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He also supposedly told Mike Smith in the locker room to “make a fucking save.” Lucic has never told Smith to “make a fucking save,” so a point to Neal for that.

Right now, Flames fans are a little sad seeing how successful Neal is with the Edmonton Oilers. Oilers fans are not upset seeing Lucic in Calgary. The “better” player would not make fans of a team upset, therefore Lucic gets another point.

Moreso, people had high expectations for Neal in Calgary, meaning he disappointed quite a lot of people. Nobody in Edmonton had high expectations for Lucic and therefore he did not disappoint anyone. Another point for Lucic.

Milan Lucic wears the number 17 to honour Flames Legend Lance Bouma. Neal picked 18, a huge disrespect to Matt Stajan. Nobody should wear the number 18 again, Matty Franchise deserves to be the final player in Flames history to wear that number. Gotta give a point to Lucic here.

Adding on to the jersey numbers, the greatest player to wear 17 was Jari Kurri – one of the greatest Finns ever to play the game. The greatest player to wear 18 is Denis Savard, the guy who tried to act like he created the spin-o-rama (spoiler alert: he didn’t) and is even taking credit for the name “Savardian Spin-o-rama”, which is for his brother, not him. Yeah, his brother also wore the number 18, but that’s not the point. The point is that he’s a thief and a fraud, just like Neal. Another point for Lucic.

Lastly, I did my own research, because I care about science and facts. The number 17 has a pretty deep meaning, stating that it is “responsible for insight, responsibility, self-discipline, strength, compassion, spiritual consciousness, and wisdom, a desire for peace and love for all of humanity.” Wow, chills. The number 18, on the other hand, is a little more complicated. It is apparently the Angel Number. What does that mean, you ask? “The number 8 is the number of material abundance and prosperity. When you see the number 8 in your experience, it is usually a sign that abundance is on its way to you now. When coupled with number 1, this is a sign that you are now, or will soon be manifesting your material desires.” See, I don’t even understand what that means. Lucic gets a point for not confusing me.

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Just like one of the reasons that Gaudreau is better than McDavid, Neal must now live in Edmonton. Lucic now does not live in Edmonton. Gotta give a point to Lucic here.

Lastly, in 2014, the Pittsburgh Penguins tried to do an “#AskNeal” hashtag on Twitter where he would answer fans questions. However, it completely backfired since many weren’t even fans of the Penguins and many related to his five-game suspension he received a few months prior at the time for kneeing an opponent in the head. No team would ever be dumb enough to do an Ask Lucic hashtag, so we gotta give a point to Lucic here.

Conclusion

Based on my calculations, that’s a 12-1 win for Lucic. How useful is that four-goal game now, Neal? Check and mate.



