The spotlight on South Africa may have subsided with the departure of the royals, but foreigners are camping outside the UN refugee agency in Cape Town, clamouring to leave because they are no longer safe.

Last month brought a surge in xenophobic attacks in and around Johannesburg, and there were huge protests in Cape Town and across the country against the government’s failure to deal with rising violence against women. Gender-based violence is an hourly occurrence.

Following recent attacks, the government ruled there would be no more bail for rape suspects. The military was deployed to address gangsterism. The president, Cyril Ramaphosa, apologised to his counterpart in Abuja, Muhammadu Buhari, for xenophobia towards Nigerians.

But these are reactive and superficial responses. If gender-based, xenophobic and gang violence is to stop, we need more than policies and diplomatic apologies –we need approaches that recognise the pain of disenfranchisement; that heal, and build trust and empathy across differences. We need proper redistribution of economic power and land, for this violence is the legacy of apartheid and patriarchy.

We write as three peace and gender activists of different cultures, genders and – in many ways – different worlds. Two of us were once prison inmates; another worked in a jail. But we share a conviction about what helps to stop violence. We know this professionally, and from our own histories of perpetrating or experiencing violence.

One approach that we know works is the alternatives to violence project (AVP) training programme. AVP workshops create community and trust by encouraging people to share stories of physical or emotional violence. In workshops you may find rival gangsters who have occupied the same cells for years sharing stories that have never been spoken aloud: experiences of growing up in homes with domestic violence, or broken relationships.

Because gender norms discourage men from seeking help, cycles of violence continue

The gender equity and reconciliation (GER) programme is a similar, more intense process that brings people together to reflect on their gender conditioning, and share stories within and across gender groups. In so doing, it tackles the roots of patriarchy.

How do these processes help? They transform perceptions of “otherness” and build empathy as people speak and hear about each other’s pain, fears and hopes. This may smack of idealism, but the impacts are real.

One of us, a former gangster incarcerated for murder at 18, maintains that prior exposure to AVP would have prevented the crime occurring in the first place.

There haven’t been enough resources for comprehensive evaluations of these programmes in South Africa. But limited research suggests that a high percentage of AVP participants had not reoffended three years after release.

Harmful masculinities are at the core of much violence. Helping men to emotionally connect with themselves and others is key to stopping it. This is important in South Africa, where colonialism and apartheid left a legacy of violent, almost militarised masculinities. During colonisation, certain features of British patriarchal masculinities were incorporated into southern Africa.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest South African president Cyril Ramaphosa addresses protesters against gender-based violence in Cape Town. Photograph: AP

Men often perpetrate violence because they have experienced great pain that they have not dealt with. But because gender norms discourage men from seeking help, cycles of violence continue. Patriarchal conditioning, trauma and alcohol can produce a lethal cocktail.

We are not suggesting AVP and GER processes can end all violence. But we know they can help to heal and prevent it.

However, surprisingly few workshops happen. Despite their impact, they are seen as a “soft” approach and are not adequately resourced.

It is time for that to change. Given the recent spike in violence and ensuing desperation – prompting calls for the return of the death penalty – a programme of psychosocial support across communities, police, business, education and in prisons, with proper impact evaluation, is essential.

This is where the 1.1bn rand (£58.2m) Ramaphosa committed to fighting gender-based violence should be spent.

After severe xenophobia in 2008, AVP workshops took place in refugee camps with positive results. But there were not enough resources to continue. Other powerful programmes, run by Cape Town NGO Sadra, address xenophobia through conflict resolution. These approaches should be held widely with migrants and locals together, including community leaders. Rolling out these initiatives in the Western Cape to address gangsterism will be much cheaper than the 23m-plus rand anti-gang military intervention currently under way, and infinitely more successful.

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Implementing this work requires not only money but political will. It also demands a willingness to get into the messy business of emotions. All this sounds demanding, ambitious and expensive, and it is. But it is far more expedient than state expenditure on the fallout of xenophobic, gender-based and gang violence. It also offers a real opportunity to build a peaceful and just society, where citizens can undergo collective healing without fearing for their lives.

Xolile Professor Zulani facilitates GER and AVP workshops in South Africa and Kenya.

Antonia Michaela Porter works on conflict and social justice issues such as gender and masculinity.

Peter John Christians is an AVP facilitator and performer.