Helpful Advice: “Organic Vampire Composting” Timothy Cree

Editors Note: Tim was so “excited” about the release of “Breaking Dawn, Part 2” and the end of the Twilight Saga that he’s spent the last couple of months researching vampires. This is an excerpt he found from a prominent gardening magazine written back in the mid-90’s during the great vampire war (you don’t remember that?) when people were trying to figure out positive uses for vampire remains. This is all totally legit. (J. Dubinsky)

Excerpt taken from “Better Gardens and Gardening” magazine, April 1996 issue.

The 6-Part Series on Alternative Gardening Methods

Part 5: “Organic Vampire Composting”

The following are letters from BG&G’s readers. Our talented staff of gardeners, biologists, slayers and farmers have selected a sample of queries from the hundreds of letters and faxes received and the winners below will be contacted to receive a free one-year renewal of their subscriptions. And now… on to the questions.

“I’ve heard that Vampire dust is excellent for gardens, but I don’t know anything about it. What are the best resources?” – Abraham Van H.

Dear Abe, Vampire dust is excellent. To learn more, contact your local county extension office for more information. Additionally, many community colleges offer courses on composting as well as classes in luring and dusting vampires for organic use.

“Is vampire dust rich in iron?” – Bram S.

Bram, while iron builds up inside a human body and blood over time, once someone becomes a vampire there is no real growth or nutrition taking place and the iron levels do not improve. The existing vampire dust can be combined with sodium to create a chelated iron for the purposes of agriculture.

“Won’t a dead vampire simply be a pile of meat on the ground?” – A. Lincoln.

Great question. Luckily, Lincoln, no. Humans (the living variety) are a pile of flesh when the die, but vampires have no flesh per se to rot when you slay them. Vampires turn to dust when burned, beheaded or staked through the heart and the resulting ash is devoid of flesh.

“If I burn a vampire to death, will the ash still be usable, like, totally composty and stuff?” – Sarah G.

Yes, Sarah, the ash will be, like, totally composty and not ruin the resulting ash and stuff.

“Do I want to lure a vampire into my garden and then try to kill it, or should I just kill any vampires wherever they show up on my property and forget about it?” – Wesley S.

Wesley, if you want to remove the ash from a kill site and use it for organic composting, simply get a dust broom and scoop or use a Dirt Devil or other handy suction tool.

http://dirtdevil.com/products/details/bd10045red/accucharge-technology-cordless-15-6v-hand-vac/

There will always be a residual left over from the dusting so whatever rests (or is planted) at or under the former vampire will be fruitful and grow plentifully. Naturally, staking a vampire in the garden is preferred, but that may not always be a viable or safe option.

“Won’t the vampire compost in my garden attract other wild animals or vampire or nasty creatures that I don’t want in my personal pumpkin patch?” – Kristy S.

This is a popular question, Kristy, thanks for bringing it up. Lucky for your gourds, the ash will only attract vampire bats. The benefit of bats is, of course, guano. Guano is an excellent fertilizer, rich in enzymes and bacteria and guano beetles control soil diseases. Guano is also rich in phosphorous and nitrogen. In this regard, using organic vampire compost is doubly beneficial.

“My neighbor’s kids were just turned into little adolescent neckbiters. Would they be good to use for organic gardening? I never believed in vampires but I believe my own eyes and what my eyes see are &*$&%# vampires. I never liked the little s*&$s and staking them would be a real pleasure.” S. Gecko.

Sorry to hear about the pesky neighbors. Sadly, younger vampires have very little body mass when they are turned so they aren’t nearly as useful for composting. Conversely, very old, large vampires will yield a noticeable richer triple super phosphate. Oh, the yields from an aged, corpulent vampire! You will really see enjoy the difference.