FX's superspy took over as EW's film critic and wrote reviews of all 24 Bond films

Spectre type Movie genre Adventure

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[Read Archer’s 24 Bond movie reviews below] We asked FX’s superspy Sterling Archer to take a break from saving the world and nuking his liver to work as EW’s film critic this week. His assignment? Review every single James Bond movie! Not only did Sterling agree to solace our quantum, Archer showrunner Adam Reed and his team made a video of Sterling critiquing some of his favorites. The video is above, and below are ALL of his written reviews. Be sure to watch the return of Archer on March 31 as his team relocates to L.A. and opens a private detective agency. Now here’s Sterling:

1. Dr. No

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“In the first film of the series, James Bond, played by Sean Connery’s eyebrows, goes to Jamaica and stops the evil Dr. No from disrupting the Project Mercury space launch.”

LIKE: “There’s a character named Puss Feller!”

DISLIKE: “Sean Connery has the arms of a 15-year-old boy. Seriously, it looks like he’s never even tried shower sex.”

2. From Russia with Love

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“Bond must foil SPECTRE (Some Pretty Evil Cat-loving Terrorists who Ransom Everything)’s plan to steal a Lektor decoding device from the Soviets and sell it back to them.”

LIKE: “Bond gets attacked by a woman with poisonous toe-spikes, which are pretty much exactly ! what they sound like. Bond kills her (and the audience) with the line, ‘… she had her kicks.’ “

DISLIKE: “Donald ‘Red’ Grant’s (Robert Shaw) distractingly small nipples.”

3. Goldfinger

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“Bond must stop bullion dealer Auric Goldfinger, played by Gert Fröbe (talented violinist/Nazi), from breaking into the gold reserve at Fort Knox.”

LIKE: “Goldfinger’s personal pilot: Pussy Galore! One time I got a lap dance from a stripper named Lada Moning, but Pussy wins. Pussy always wins.”

DISLIKE: “The only thing worse than playing golf is watching people play golf.”

4. Thunderball

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“Bond is sent to recover two highjacked warheads in the Bahamas where he gets into an underwater battle that’s nine minutes too long.”

LIKE: “The classic line where a woman in a bathtub asks Bond, ‘… would you mind giving me something to put on?’ and he hands her a pair of heels. I tried that with Lana once and she stabbed me in the hand with a corkscrew.”

DISLIKE: “Bond gets thrown into a pool of sharks and doesn’t fight a single one. Way to give the people what they want, Connery.”

5. You Only Live Twice

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“After the highjacking of an American spacecraft, Sean Connery, a 6-foot-2-inch Scotsman, is sent to Japan where he fools everybody by disguising himself as a Japanese fisherman.”

LIKE: “Written by Roald Dahl? Who knew!”

DISLIKE: “Bond tires to transform into a Japanese fisherman but he ends up looking like Spock. This is why I only do mustaches.”

6. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

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“Bond goes to the Swiss Alps to track the head of SPECTRE, Blofeld, who has established a clinical allergy-research institute for female patients where the only cure is George Lazenby’s penis.”

LIKE: “‘Intense bobsled chase’ doesn’t seem like three words that should be next to each other but it totally works.”

DISLIKE: “George Lazenby’s ears. Did nobody have safety pins on set?”

NEXT PAGE: Diamonds Are Forever through For Your Eyes Only …

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7. Diamonds Are Forever

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“Bond is tasked with investigating a major diamond smuggling ring. He is given a case of diamonds and moves through the chain that leads him to the Whyte House in Vegas, shot on location with real alive prostitutes.”

LIKE: “An elephant pulls a slot machine.

DISLIKE: “The scene where Bond escapes on a stolen 10 miles-per-hour moon buggy is even less enthralling than it sounds.”

8. Live and Let Die

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“Bond investigates the operations of a ruthless gangster/heroin trafficker whose alter ego is the dictator of a Caribbean island, a place created from the depths of Ian Fleming’s racist imagination.”

LIKE: “The speedboat chase scene in the Bayou Des Allemands, ‘The Catfish Capital of the Universe’ (their words).” DISLIKE: “Two words: crocodile farm.”

9. The Man With the Golden Gun

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“Bond is sent to retrieve a device that can harness solar power from Francisco Scaramanga, an assassin with a third nipple who — did I mention has a third nipple? Just wanted to nipple check.”

LIKE: “AMC Hornet X 360-degree mid-air twisting corkscrew jump across a broken bridge in Thailand. One of my favorite stunts of the whole series.”

DISLIKE: The third nipple, obviously.

10. The Spy Who Loved Me

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“Bond investigates the disappearance of British and Soviet ballistic-missile submarines and is led to Karl Stromberg, a man who wants to destroy the world and live under the sea like a grumpy old mermaid.”

LIKE: “JAWS! Played by the 7’2” Richard Kiel, this henchman bit a goddamn shark.”

DISLIKE: “Bond’s submarine car would have been much more impressive if it wasn’t a Lotus Esprit.”

11. Moonraker

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“Bond must stop Hugo Drax, business tycoon and Kim Jong-un dress alike, from destroying all human life and starting a new civilization on his undetectable space station.”

LIKE: “Aww Jaws falls in love. Oh, and he also BITES THROUGH A CABLE CAR WIRE.”

DISLIKE: “Part of me wanted to see an anaconda eat Roger Moore whole.”

12. For Your Eyes Only

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“Bond is sent to recover an Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC), a mission that requires him to fight off hockey players, a biathlete and a horny teenaged figure skater.”

LIKE: “One of the better assassination attempts of the series. Bond gets tied to the back of a boat and dragged through coral which, honestly, sounds like the absolute worst.”

DISLIKE: “Luckily, Bond resisted the young figure skater’s attempt to go for the gold. I’ve been there before. Those slutty ninjas are hard to fight off.”

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13. Octopussy

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“Bond must stop Orlov, a renegade Soviet general with eight vaginas, from expanding Soviet borders by blowing up a U.S. airbase with a nuclear warhead.”

LIKE: “Bond tells a tiger to ‘sit’ — and it does!”

DISLIKE: “Octopussy was given that nickname by her father. Ew.”

14. A View to a Kill

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“Bond must foil industrialist Max Zorin’s plan to destroy Silicon Valley, which would therefore eliminate his competition against other nerdy millionaires.”

LIKE: Zorin, played by Christopher Walken, was the product of a Nazi scientist which is disturbing. Just look at Krieger. He’ll eat from fast food bags he finds on subway seats.

DISLIKE: “Why is Zorin’s lover dressed like a Disney villainess?”

15. The Living Daylights

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“Played by Timothy Dalton’s adorable chin dimple, James Bond investigates a scheme by a KGB officer and an arms dealer to embezzle KGB funds and use them to purchase diamonds and drugs.”

LIKE: “Did you know Timothy Dalton dated Whoopi Goldberg?

DISLIKE: “The Atlas Mountains were beautiful, but think about all of its native inhabitants that have gone extinct: the Barbary Lion, the Barbary Leopard and the Atlas Bear. It’s just kind of sad, that’s all.”

16. License to Kill

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“Bond becomes a rogue agent once he seeks to kill Sanchez, a drug lord who maimed his friend, CIA agent Felix Leiter, with a shark. He also raped and murdered Felix’s wife (not with a shark).”

LIKE: “Do you want to see some guy’s head explode in a diving chamber? Well, you’re in luck.”

DISLIKE: “What is Wayne Newton doing in this movie? Get him out of here, danke schön.”

17. Goldeneye

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“Bond must stop a presumed dead MI6 agent from stealing money from the Bank of England via wire transfers before erasing their bank records. So non-confrontational. So British.”

LIKE: “Bond steals a tank and plows through St. Petersburg. Then again, who hasn’t?”

DISLIKE: “Good news for you synthesizer music lovers out there: it’s in pretty much every scene.”

18. Tomorrow Never Dies

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“Bond and Chinese agent Wai Lin follow media mogul Elliot Carver, who had used a stolen GPS encoder to incite a war between China and Britain for ratings because, who wouldn’t watch that?”

LIKE: “Bond has to escape on a motorcycle through the streets of Saigon while handcuffed to a beautiful woman? Excuse me while I cross my legs to hide my erection.”

DISLIKE: “Pierce Brosnan dresses like a Holiday Inn hotel manager.”

NEXT: The World is Not Enough through Spectre.

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19. The World is Not Enough

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“Bond must prevent a KGB-agent-turned-terrorist and an oil heiress from blowing up a submarine to increase the value of a pipeline. He is assisted by a nuclear physicist, Christmas Jones, who was named that so Pierce Brosnan could say at the end of the film, ‘I thought Christmas only comes once a year.'”

LIKE: “Sunglasses that enable X-ray vision for finding concealed weapons but mostly lace lingerie.”

DISLIKE: “Robbie Coltrane falls into a pit of caviar and acts upset? I’d take a book in there with me.”

20. Die Another Day

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“Bond must stop Colonel Tan-Sun Moon from reuniting North and South Korea by force. Moon’s plan includes transforming into a white British billionaire but hey, I guess the Moon’s the limit. Which reminds me, if you like cheesy one-liners, this movie is chock-full of them.”

LIKE: “Halle Berry’s haircut. And just Halle Berry in general.”

DISLIKE: “Madonna’s unnecessary cameo as a fencing instructor. I can only imagine her conversation with the producers went something like this. Madonna: ‘Can I be the Bond girl?’ [Seven seconds of silence]. Producers: ‘We’ll find ya something!'”

21. Casino Royale

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“Bond must defeat a weapons dealer by playing the world’s longest game of poker.”

LIKE: “I drank six Tom Collins and took an hour long nap. And I really needed that.”

DISLIKE: “As a secret agent, you learn to get in and out quickly, and that’s something this director clearly did not do while directing these scenes. Sorry. Gin makes me grouchy.”

22. Quantum of Solace

“Bond uncovers a plot between an environmentalist, Dominic Greene, and an exiled Bolivian General that would give Greene a monopoly to run the water supply to Bolivia. Just imagine how terrible that would be for nobody at all except Bolivia.”

LIKE: “The shortest running time of all Bond movies.”

DISLIKE: “Dominic Green as a villain. Then again, nothing is scarier than an economic predator. Except for an apex predator. Or just a Predator. Or a Predator II.”

23. Skyfall

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“After being presumed dead, Bond goes in hiding where he gets drunk off of scorpion shots and is presumed wasted. He returns to duty to stop Raoul Silva, a vengeful former MI6 agent who plans to ruin M’s reputation before murdering her.”

LIKE: “Bond gets a Walther PPK 9mm with micro dermal sensor to grip so only he can fire it? (wipes drool with sleeve).”

DISLIKE: “Javier Bardem’s haunting analogy about rats eating each other kept me up last night. I ended up grilling a cheese and watching Antiques Roadshow.”

24. Spectre

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“Bond walks to the ends of the earth to … eh … I’ll be honest, I walked into the wrong theater and just sat through The Peanuts Movie.”

LIKE: “I was the only person in the theater.”

DISLIKE: “Charlie Brown plays it safe too much.”