FADE IN:

EXT. SHANGHAI, CHINA

JOSH DUHAMEL and TYRESE GIBSON lead a team of POLYGONS into battle.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Alright everyone, we're here to capture two Decepticons in hiding. I just need about 40 seconds of dialogue to explain what's going on before we can--

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

TOO LONG LETS MAKE STUFF EXPLODE NOW OKAY

SOME GOOD POLYGONS are rendered into the same frames as BAD POLYGONS while FOLEY ARTISTS smash pots and pans together next to microphones.

TYRESE GIBSON

Damn, one of the Decepticons is getting away! I'll send the film's version of Jar Jar Binks after it!

SKID

Sheeeeit muddafucka, bitches be straight trippin'.

TYRESE GIBSON

No. Don't do any more of that.

MUDFLAP

I gots ta get me some watermelon and fried chickin!

TYRESE GIBSON

NO NO NO NO. This kind of crap can't exist in a movie released on 2009, it just can't.

SKID

Anyone gots any grape Kool-aid ta wash dis here down?

TYRESE GIBSON

STOP STOP STOP STOP! YOU ARE DESTROYING MY BRAIN'S MODEL OF THE WORLD! THIS CANNOT EXIST, STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

SKID and MUDFLAP stop the DECEPTICON from escaping while BILL COSBY looks on disapprovingly.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Alright, the other Decepticon is getting away now, so we'll go ahead and unleash Peter Cullenbot. Why we didn't do this sooner is as much a mystery to me as anyone, so don't bother asking.

PETER CULLENBOT catches up to the DECEPTICON and destroys it.

PETER CULLENBOT

That was great, I'm so glad that humans and Autobots can work together openly.

JOSH DUHAMEL

No, we're a covert team. Top secret.

PETER CULLENBOT

Covert? I just lava-sworded a giant robot in the middle of a highly crowded city. How the hell can you justify the notion that we're top sec--

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

OKAY ENOUGH ROBOTS FOR NOW LETS GO LOOK AT MEGAN FOX'S ASS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN WE CAN BLOW MORE STUFF UP OKAY

INT. WHATEVER

SHIA LEBOUF talks to BUMBLEBEE.

SHIA LEBOUF

I'm going off to college, and I just want to be a normal kid with a normal life, because if there's one thing any teenager would hate it's to be the transforming-robot-owning savior of the planet. I just want my degree in Communications!

MEGAN FOX

Hey Shia. I just finished fixing up a motorcycle while straddling it in short shorts and came right over.

SHIA LEBOUF

Jesus Christ, will you just do Playboy already? The audience is losing interest in you. You have toe thumbs and they can watch a chick shove a baseball bat up her puss on the internet. Sideways.

SHIA'S PARENTS annoy their way into the movie. They make some uncomfortable references to having intercourse and show that their dogs are also having intercourse. This is all very FUNNY.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

LOOK I'M A COMEDIAN NOW OKAY LETS GO TO SHIA'S NEW COLLEGE THERE ARE HOT GIRLS THERE

SHIA goes to COLLEGE where he discovers the entire freshman class is made up of SUPERMODELS, largely due to the existence of a large number of supermodels willing to sleep with MICHAEL BAY to get nonspeaking parts in the movie.

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

Hey, I'm your new roommate. Coincidentally, I believe the government is covering up the existence of giant transforming robots. Take a look in my base of operations.

SHIA LEBOUF

This is supposed to be a dorm room, right? I know Wikipedia says Michael Bay went to college, but I just can't believe it.

Meanwhile...

EXT. OUTER SPACE

FRANK WELKERBOT wraps his NOT-A-TAPE-PLAYER around a satellite to do ROBOT STUFF with it.

FRANK WELKERBOT

I have detected that Shia has been imprinted with a MacGuffin on his brain. You must retrieve it now that you have escaped the nearly worthless prison the humans made for you, Hugo Weavingbot.

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

Why the hell do you sound like Dr. Claw?

(checks IMDB)

Holy shit, you ARE Dr. Claw! That's awesome!

TONY TODDBOT

You must avenge me, Hugo. Capture Shia and remove his brain from his skull.

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

To get access to the special codes that will allow us to harvest Energon using the sun?

TONY TODDBOT

What? No, I've just seen the guy in a lot of movies and I consistently want to crack his skull open and smash his brains. There's no way that's just me.

INT. WHATEVER

SHIA LEBOUF is seduced by a creepy hot girl, ISABEL LUCAS.

SHIA LEBOUF

Oh no, a hot girl has pinned me down and kissed me! I sure hope Megan Fox doesn't walk in!

MEGAN FOX

(walking in)

Shia, I absolutely cannot believe this!

SHIA LEBOUF

I know, I can't believe how unoriginal Michael Bay is either!

ISABEL transforms into a ROBOT.

SHIA LEBOUF

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What in the living fuck is the point of transforming into cars if you guys can just transform into people? Is this franchise just going to merge with the Terminator franchise or something?

ISABEL LUCAS

Impossible, the world doesn't even have enough balls to suck for that.

SHIA, MEGAN, and RAMON escape from ISABEL only to be found by HUGO WEAVINGBOT. PETER CULLENBOT tries to rescue them.

PETER CULLENBOT

Hurry up and get out of here! We'll save millions on CGI if the animators don't have to work a single live-action element into the scene!

PETER CULLENBOT fights an onslaught of DECIPTICONS, which all look nearly identical, giving the impression that PETER CULLENBOT kills HUGO WEAVINGBOT like fifty times. Eventually this turns out not to be the case as HUGO kills PETER.

PETER CULLENBOT

Shia, you must find Mark Ryanbot. He is old and has a transforming robot cane because this movie insists on each scene being stupider than the last.

(dies)

SHIA LEBOUF

Shit, how am I ever supposed to find Mark Ryanbot? I checked the next page of the script but it turned out to just be a drawing of a penis ejaculating onto a pair of poorly drawn breasts. And it says "I like bubs" under it.

MEGAN FOX

We can ask the tiny Decepticon I captured earlier. Okay Wheelie, tell me--

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

Wheelie? This movie has fucking Wheelie? The most annoying transformer?

MEGAN FOX

Don't worry, he's nothing at all like the Wheelie from the cartoon.

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

Well thank goodness for that.

WHEELIE

I'm actually more annoying now.

They find MARK RYANBOT, who helpfully explains the rich, detailed mythology of the TRANSFORMERS.

MARK RYANBOT

You must go to Egypt to find the Matrix of Leadership which can be used to unlock the Tomb of Primes and harvest Energon, fuel for Cybertronians I'm sorry if I have to say one more of these stupid fucking lines I'm going to blow my brains out.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

HELP I REALLY WANT A BIG BATTLE IN THE DESERT HOW DO I MAKE THINGS BOOM BOOM ON PYRAMIDS

SHIA LEBOUF

Dude, we're in Washington, D.C. What are you going to do, teleport us or something?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

PERFECT THAT WORKS OLD TRANSFORMERS HAVE THE POWER OF TELEPORTATION NOW OKAY

SHIA LEBOUF

Wait, no, don't--

EXT. EGYPT

SHIA LEBOUF

--god dammit.

SHIA is joined by TYRESE, JOSH, and all of the POLYGONS FROM EARLIER. Suddenly DEVASTATOR starts to form!

JOSH DUHAMEL

Oh my God, it's Devastator! Considering the fact that he's taking fifteen minutes to fully form, there must be an epic battle coming up!

One of the RACISMBOTS kills it before it can do anything cool.

TYRESE GIBSON

So much for that. We're going to need that little skidmark Shia to revive Peter Cullenbot so the movie can get interesting again.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Man I wish someone would just crack that kid's skull open and smash his brains.

SHIA LEBOUF

Alright, I'll revive Cullenbot after I take a quick trip to robot heaven and talk to some Transformer ghosts.

MEGAN FOX

What's sad is that anyone reading this Abridged Script that hasn't seen the movie will just think that's some kind of weird joke they don't get. It's not. That description is brain-meltingly accurate.

SHIA takes 45 minutes to revive CULLENBOT who proceeds to kill WEAVINGBOT and TODDBOT in ten seconds.

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

This sucks! I'm absolutely appalled that Michael Bay isn't taking the source material seriously!

MEGAN FOX

By "source matrial," you mean the 30 minute advertisements for toys, right?

SHIA LEBOUF

This is kind of depressing. I mean, has our society truly reached a point where we find two-and-a-half hours of giant robots fighting each other entertaining?

MICHAEL BAY

WE SURE HAVE LETS GET STARTED ON TRANSFORMERS 3: THE EXPLOSIONS OF THE PYROTECHNICS

END