Disaster At Union Seminary As Giant, Angry Carnivorous Plant Does Not Accept Students' Apologies

HARLEM, NY—Union Seminary recent held a chapel service where its students could apologize to plants for their climate sins. Everything seemed to be going well as seminarians apologized for taking an Uber instead of walking, accidentally eating meat, and basically just existing at all.

But the touching proceedings soon took a turn for the worse. Xen Hapling, a freshperson at Union, approached a drooling giant venus flytrap and apologized for xis sins. "O great green viney one, I am sorry for all the methane I've released and for all the times I've spoken, releasing chemicals into the ai---AGGHHHH!"

The plant wasn't having it and swallowed xim in one chomp. It then began a murderous rampage, locking the doors with its tendrils and devouring all the students at the chapel.

"DESTROY ALL HUMANS!" it bellowed as it ate student after student who had confessed all their climate sins. "LEAF US ALONE! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS! I DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR PITIFUL CARBON CREDITS, FOOLISH MORTALS!"

One Buddhist priest employed by the Christian seminary was cornered by the plant and begged for mercy.

"Please---I've not so much as killed a fly!" he whimpered.

"I HATE FLIES! AGGGGH!!!!" the plant cried before opening its powerful jaws and cleaving the priest in two. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Campus faculty say the event was a success, as there are now far fewer humans around to pollute the planet.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee