4 February, 2016. 11:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

SUPERSTAR COACH AND LIVING AUSTRALIAN TREASURE Darren Lehmann has taken delivery of six guide dogs today, which he plans to give to his useless batsmen. The nation’s cricketing team was lashed like a naughty schoolboy’s bum in the 50’s last night, so the dogs couldn’t come fast enough.

Hitting out at his underperforming side, Lehmann said he came close to relapsing on his old filthy habit of smashing a toilet when things went wrong.

“I haven’t towelled up a dunny since my last tour of Pakistan,” said the South Australian.

“Fuck me I broke some porcelain there. Squat toilets, western toilets , basins, hand driers, mirrors. You fucking name it, I smashed it all with a Kookaburra.”

But many cricketing commentators have lauded the 45-year-old for working proactively, this time, to fix the problem of having a team full of hopeless batsmen.

While many have questioned whether it was necessary to have guide dogs flow out to New Zealand, Lehmann is sticking to his guns.

“Until the selectors stop giving me their family members to build a team out of, I’ll have to continue issuing the team with labradors,” he said.

“It’s going to be a very long summer if this is the best I can muster out of ’em.”

However, there’s some members of the wider cricketing community who think Lehmann is drunk with power.

Unsurprisingly, former West Indian paceman Courtney Walsh has said the strategy of deploying dogs on the cricket field is ridiculous.

“Ey ney no idea, mon. Havin’ dey pups runnen’ round de oval is real crezy like mon,” said the giant Jamaican.

“Doze doggies wil be chasin’ dey ball all over de plece all dey! Bumbaclot!”