SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed. According to witnesses, Talbott quickly lost control of the situation after the first major mutation from “Bri” resulted in a half-dozen new variations, including “B-Rye” and “Big B,” all of which have gone on to propagate exponentially over the past several days and create their own entirely new strands of nicknames. Sources also said that Talbott could only watch in horror as every possible permutation of his name or initials was transformed further by the addition of rhyming words and suffixes like “-dog” and “-irino,” resulting in Talbott being referred to repeatedly in meetings and in the office break room as “Bri Guy,” “Talboss,” and numerous other monikers. At press time, a new nickname, “El Tigre,” appears to have emerged with characteristics completely independent from Talbott’s original name and has itself already produced more than a dozen variations.

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