First off, I have a deep, unabiding feeling that Macaulay Culkin and I would be really good friends. There are no real facts or confirmations to bolster this assumption; it is just something that lives deep in my soul. In fact, I once tried to interview him and his rep said no because she thought I would treat him like a "spectacle" instead of a person, and I was like, "No, I actually just really, really want to be his friend and play a tambourine with him." Though, I understand the idea that a lot of media outlets might want to make him a spectacle: He was a very famous child actor who has decided to be weird, live in Bushwick, and make a Velvet Underground-themed band that revolves around pizza, cleverly called The Pizza Underground. Which might be curious to the E! Networks of the world but makes him basically like all of my friends or most people who live in north Brooklyn already. So much delicious ennui.

Here, he makes a video where he looks like every guy in my neighborhood and plays a kazoo, taking the novelty band thing seriously. Mac, if you are reading this, let's go to Tandem and get a beer when you get a chance. Okay?