I’m a White, 26-year-old Stanford Grad, and I’m Lowering the Price of My Eggs to $80,000

Hi! You’ve expressed an interest in buying eggs to conceive your own child. Oh — sorry — not buying — I meant “receiving eggs as a donation and compensating the donor with money.” Look no further; you’ll find no better eggs than mine. I’m 26, I’m white, and most importantly, I went to STANFORD. Like, the one in California. Furthermore, due to limited demand, I’m donating my eggs for the bargain basement price of $80,000.

You might be wondering why I’m donating my eggs. I’m a philanthropic spirit, and I’d like to help you complete your family! Also, I don’t have a job. I quit working recently to focus on my career as an artist. In my past, I’ve worked as a data scientist, which is pretty fancy, right? Data scientist and artist? I bet you didn’t know such a dynamic mix was possible. As it turns out, it’s probably not. Anyway, these eggs have smart genes, as is common for STANFORD grads.

Let me get you up to speed on me. I’m in pretty good physical condition. I’ve never had any surgeries or major health scares. Furthermore, I’ve only eaten four servings of vegetables in my entire life, and I’m still in decent shape, so I clearly come from strong stock. These eggs are healthy, so get ‘em while they’re on sale! I am required by law to disclose that I went to the ER in the past year. However, I had also taken a lot of Adderall that day, so I’m sure it’s not reflective of my genetics. Nonetheless, Adderall is something your child needs to be wary of if he/she goes to STANFORD because it’s a very intense academic environment. I know this because I went there. A healthy STANFORD grad? $80,000 for these eggs is an absolute steal.

You might be curious about my physical appearance. I think I’m pretty OK, although many may disagree. I get cat-called an average of twelve times/week, so your future child has that to look forward to. My metabolism is below average (as I explain to my doctor every year, and he still says Snapea Crisps aren’t vegetables), so make sure your Petri dish baby doesn’t eat ice cream for breakfast. But I don’t really think it matters that much what I look like. Because I went to STANFORD. You’d be lucky to get my average-looking eggs for a cheap $80,000.

A lot of potential egg recipients have wanted to know about my “personality” from my “friends.” If you must know, I’ve provided three personal references. Yes, it’s all the same person (my third grade gym teacher), but she has three different email addresses. Some egg recipients have raised the issue that I’ve never been in a stable romantic relationship with a man, to which I have only one response: you’d also be too intimidating for men to date if you’d gone to STANFORD. So just shell out a mere $80,000 and stop asking me what exactly I find so terribly challenging about eye contact.

I guess I could briefly touch upon some mental health issues that have been of concern to past prospective egg buyers. Apparently, there’s an evaluation on file from my psychiatrist, and that little shit says I struggle with “narcissistic personality disorder.” You know what, Dr. Dumbface — you’d be narcissistic too if you went to STANFORD. I’ve also been diagnosed as having an addictive personality, which I believe means that men are easily addicted to my personality, amiright?! I went to STANFORD.

All told, I think it’s pretty clear that $80,000 is a great price for my highly desirable eggs. Sure, I have a few minor issues, which is why I lowered the price from the original $2 million. However, you’re not going to find another STANFORD grad willing to sell their eggs. I know because I asked all of them. They all seem to prefer earning money through their “careers.” It would be an absolute honor to donate my eggs. An honor for you. Because I went to STANFORD.

Did I mention I got a 2360 on the SAT?

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Disclaimer: I am legally required to report that Stanford University™ does not guarantee admission to the child born of my egg.