Plasmididdlydoo

SCP-████ temporarily removed from containment.

Alphanumeral Designation: SCP-2429

Object Classification: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2429 is required to be situated within the locker room of Site-73, sealed via keypad. Admittance to the aforementioned locker must be granted by Dr. Junior Researcher Johnson, Dr. McMullin, or O5-██, of whom must remain exclusively the only on-site personnel with knowledge of the required keycode required to access SCP-2429.

Description: SCP-2429 appears to be a heavily deteriorated novel which dates back to 1870. This document consists of mostly sugarcane parchment, plus a roughly textured leather cover. When opened, the current reader will see a title page, degraded past recognition, followed by approximately 184 parchment sheets, all of which appear to be completely blank. A selection of these pages appear to be stained from whiskey, beer, and/or a currently unidentified amount of differentiating forms of alcoholic beverages. It is to be kept in mind that a number of these markings correspond to modern day brands. These instances are currently not yet explained.

The anomalous properties of SCP-2429 are exhibited upon any form of reference to the novel, be it vocal, written, or keyed. SCP-2429 generally forces the minds of individuals to use complex wording, of which are lengthy, and uncommonly utilized, whenever the individual mentions it, along with the individual speaking with a British tone; the kind of which was common in Victorian times. SCP-2429 induces these effects seemingly without subjects realizing what is happening.

SCP-2429 also seems to trigger mild aggression in subjects currently affected by the object's anomalous properties, as long as the subject is aware of SCP-2429's effects. Generally simply perceived as slight annoyance, this can turn into extreme agitation, resulting in victims attempting to injure or slaughter the object. SCP-2429's title page triggers immediate irritation when viewed directly, while viewing copies of said page, regardless of shape or form, causes similar anger levels within 75 seconds. Subjects also report feeling slightly drunk during these effects. It is unclear whether or not the aforementioned aggression is due to this or not.

+ Audio-Log 2429-A | L-3+ ACCESS ONLY - ACCESS GRANTED. D-20391 was a Caucasian male aged at 36 at the time of recording. The subject was arrested for the violent murder of two women behind █████'s Bar & Grill in ███████, Wisconsin. [BEGIN LOG] Dr. McMullin: Would you kindly describe SCP-2429? D-20391: I haven't any idea; you wankers just said it was a book! Dr. McMullin: Alright then, describe your time with the Foundation. D-20391: Well, after the bobbies arrested and banged me up in prison, we're all summoned into the cafeteria three days later. I didn't care for their little speech very much, but the moment I heard "freedom" they had the whole lot of us at attention. I didn't pick up a single word, but I signed up anyways. and the next thing I know I'm in another jail with an entire plethora of things that don't make a lick of sense. If you people wouldn't constantly blather your big-ass porkies at us, maybe we would be more willing to do your little tests! To be completely honest, however, that steel cylinder thing- what was it, 721? That, or 712, I don't bloody remember. That one had me utterly gobsmacked.. Dr. McMullin: Thank you for your time, D-20391. You will now be escorted back to your cell. D-20391: Wait, I'm not going back to that concrete box of a cell! You're a bloody git if you think I'm goin' back in there! Augh, why the hell am I speaking like a Brit? I don't even like tea. Just send me back there already, its better than this. [END LOG]

Author's Note: I need this to sound more sophisticated than it already is. I've marked the words or sentences I'd like to change in italics. May I have some help?

Thanks..