Even though England has made great strides in the last fifty years – by which I mean they lost their entire colonial empire, stopped being a premiere world power and decided to rule the world through boy bands instead – EVENTHOUGH they have made great strides, Brits still believe in the Queen like kids believe in the boogeyman or George R.R. Martin believes in incest.

Brits might not agree on much – like immigrants, foreign policy and whether or not Ricky Gervais is a stuck-up prick – but no one will argue that the Queen was made from God’s own semen. And indeed she looks like an old, wrinkled and frail sperm these days.

No one cares that the Queen technically doesn’t have any power anymore and that she is a complete figurehead and has passed less laws than Bosco, the dog mayor of Sunol, California. It’s like giving elderly folks a quarter when they win the weekly Bingo game just to make them feel alive again.

All of which makes the Michael Fagan incident all the stranger –

Michael Fagan Incident – Rarely in history are there stories as refreshing as this – refreshing as in if this happened then my life is utterly and completely normal and I should never be ashamed of any of my actions. For on the morning of July 9th, 1982 an unemployed man named Michael Fagan pretty much accidentally just wandered through Buckingham Palace and talked to the Queen while she was in her bed.

And it wasn’t even his first attempt,

By his own account, it was his second attempt: on his first he scaled a drainpipe, startling a housemaid, who called security. When guards reached the scene, Fagan had disappeared, leading them to believe the housemaid was mistaken.

A classic case of the housemaid crying ‘intruder.’ How could someone be mistaken about seeing someone climb down a drainpipe? That seems like a pretty set in stone observation. The first of many questions.

Fagan was not a man to be turned away though and he quickly found an open door on the roof and proceeded to spend “the next half hour eating cheddar cheese and crackers and wandering around.” This is the equivalent of entering a bank while it is closed and stealing a couple toothpicks and sucking on mints and then gazing in awe at the architectural beauty of the vault door. Or being this guy.

Then Fagan proceeded to drink a half bottle of white wine “before becoming tired and leaving.” This man, AN UNEMPLOYED FATHER OF FOUR, GOT BORED WHILE ILLEGALLY WANDERING AROUND BUCKINGHAM PALACE IN THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING. I don’t even want to know what gets him excited.

The next time though, on the same fucking morning, he decided to do a little more. This time he ventured into the Queen’s room itself and calmly sat at the edge of her bed and said nothing. All he asked for was some cigarettes. Which proves that British people truly are a bunch of unimaginative, dreary, piss poor, gits who have no sense of adventure anymore. Buncha goddamn Muggles.

In my imagination it would be the perfect time to interview the Queen on the hard-hitting questions of our age – “Do you ever just want to burn it all down and run away back to the Colonies? Do you wish you could still tour Africa and call them ‘my little boys’? Do you realize that you are completely obsolete, that you are the pager of the British government? Typical questions.

And the reason why Mr. Fagan was allowed to wander around here with nary a security guard in sight? The armed police officer had been “out walking the Queen’s corgis.” Meaning that in 1980’s England, the walking of corgis was more important than the protection of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II – which seems about right to me.

Fagan himself was never even arrested for entering Buckingham Palace that morning because it wasn’t even against the law for him to do so. Not until 2005 was it illegal to trespass on Buckingham Palace, which is almost as embarrassing as lynching being legal in North Carolina until 1972 and Limp Bizkit ever selling a record.

Later in his life Michael Fagan parlayed this incident into the most ironic recording of “God Save the Queen” ever under the name Michael Fagan and the Bollocks Brothers. Because. England.