THE HEAVENS—Feeling unnerved after sensing a sudden movement in His peripheral vision, an increasingly jumpy God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly starting to worry Monday that Heaven may be haunted. “No, seriously, this is not okay—I’m really freaking the fuck out here,” said the Lord Almighty, adding that He was becoming more and more sure that the hazy, ghost-like apparitions lurking behind clouds were of paranormal origin. “Every so often, I get this cold shudder and it’s just, like, there’s someone there, you know? The angels tell me it’s all in my head, but I swear I’m telling the truth. I obviously don’t believe in all that afterlife stuff, but it’s starting to feel like there’s no other explanation besides that this place is haunted.” At press time, God had shrieked in alarm after catching a glimpse of a shadowy figure that bore a stark resemblance to His son, who had been dead more than 2,000 years.

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