The fight was more intense than it had ever been. Bowser knew that this time would be different … this time, victory was within reach. Peach was within reach. He lost himself for a brief moment imagining the life he would lead together with his beloved princess after the wedding, but this momentary lapse was long enough. The idiot plumber had managed to duck around Bowser's colossal frame – once again – and was heading for the lever.

Bowser turned as quickly as his massive bulk would allow, horror-struck.

"No you don't!" he roared, and a jet of billowing flame flew between his bared teeth. Bowser launched one fireball after another, but the fat man was somehow too athletic, and dodged every single fireball.

Finally, Bowser launched himself towards the little human in one desperate lunge to stop him, but … it was too late.

The red man was grinning beneath his pathetic tiny mustache, as his white mittens closed around the lever, almost as tall as he was. In one swift, fluid motion, the smirking mustache slammed the lever to the ground, and Bowser knew he didn't stand a chance.

With the speed of a bullet bill on acid, the bridge to the plumber was sucked away beneath Bowser's feet. And with the realisation of a koopa who has found itself stepping off a block into a bottomless pit, Bowser found out once again that he, too, must obey the rules of gravity. He plummeted down into the lava below, face-first. Initially he had opted for shell-first, as the shell was quite hardy and took a while to melt down, but after a while Bowser had realised that this was delaying the inevitable, and it was sweltering hot work, laying in a pool of lava, waiting to be burned to death.

So this time, it was a quick job.

And Bowser knew no more.

Bowser was alone, in a black void that stretched out infinitely in every direction. The only thing he could see was the familiar glass door in front of him. He lumbered towards it with footsteps that made no sound, and placed the palm of his clawed hand on the glass surface. The door always required a great amount of effort to push – which was saying something, given how awesomely strong Bowser was. Nonetheless, the door eventually yielded to Bowser, and began to rotate, allowing Bowser to pass through the invisible wall.

The other panes of the revolving door slotted into place behind him. Exactly into what, a more thoughtful Bowser might have wondered, but the fact that there was no obviously visible wall surrounding the door had never particularly bothered – or even occurred – to him.

As Bowser made his slow progress further into the void, four ethereal figures puffed into being before him.

"Bowser," oozed the tallest. His arms and legs were stick thin, with long, slender fingers steepled together in contemplation. His face was long with a pointed chin ending in a silvery goatee. Thin grey eyebrows sat on a high bald forehead, above steely grey eyes that bore into Bowser. They always managed to make Bowser feel slightly uncomfortable – not that he would ever say so.

The spirit spoke once more. "How good to see you again. Shall we begin?"

Bowser grunted. "Whatever."

At this, a scroll appeared in the spirit's spindly hands, and he read from it.

"King Bowser Koopa the first," he announced. "Death number six hundred and ninety-seven. I Perceive the cause of your death to have been Mario Mario, the plumber from the Mushroom Kingdom, who pulled a lever resulting in the retraction of a bridge, resulting in your falling into –"

"Yeah yeah, I hear this every time," Bowser waved his giant paw in exasperation. "Can we just move onto Comprehension already?"

The first spirit wrinkled his eyebrows in irritation. "As Perception," he began stiffly, "It is my sworn duty to recall the exact circumstances of your –"

"Give it a rest, Perce. He's heard the gaffe enough, I'm sure he knows it backwards," spoke the fourth spirit, an easy-going figure who was somehow lying back in thin air.

"I thank you, Benevolence, to wait your turn," Perception's eyes flashed dangerously towards the spirit who had spoken. "The rules are there to be followed."

"And so we obey," the other three spirits intoned, with an unmistakable hint of sarcasm.

Perception cleared his throat in obvious displeasure, and said "Very well, if you please, Comprehension."

"So, Bowser," the second spirit began. She was almost as tall as Perception, with a softer yet discerning expression. She had no hair, just like the other spirits, but her eyes were blue. Bowser often thought that if she were human she would look a lot like Peach.

"The circumstances were pretty simple. What happened was that Mario got under your guard, slipped beneath you when you were not fully paying attention. Was something affecting your concentration?" She tilted her head in apparent concern.

Bowser turned his thoughts away from his fantasies of Peach and the blue-eyed spirit together, and snapped back to non-reality.

"Uh, nope. I'm not sure what happened there," Bowser scratched his head. "Probably realised one of the tiles on the castle wall was loose."

Comprehension raised an eyebrow, but did not say anything else. She and all the other spirits were omniscient, so nothing was hidden from them anyway.

The third spirit cleared her throat. Prudence was the smallest of the spirits, and spoke with a quiet but sensible voice. She opened her scroll and began to speak. "So, I see several potential remedies here, Bowser. I know this is a sore subject with you, but I think it's time to consider –"

"Oh, I know, you think I should get rid of the bridge lever," Bowser snorted derisively. "And make the little fat man think I'm weak? Think I can't take him on? Think I'm so scared of him that I should just nail the bridge in place?"

"It would certainly improve your chances of survival," Prudence continued, patiently.

"You heard the man, death number six hundred and something now," Benevolence interrupted. "Maybe take some notes this time."

"Benevolence, there is a procedure –"

"Yeah yeah, sorry Perce. Carry on Prue."

Prudence cleared her throat once again. "As I said, there are several other options to consider. How are your fortifications?"

"Perfect!" Bowser boomed. "My koopa troopas and goomba regiment are the cream of the castle."

"Nonetheless, Mario continues to evade their manoeuvres and make it to your throne room every time he tries. So why don't you consider changing their tactics?"

"Nonsense," Bowser snorted. "Slow marching and moving in the direction of the enemy is how you bring 'em down," he slammed his fist into his palm to emphasise the point.

Prudence chose not to comment on this. "Have you considered adding additional soldiers? Five hammer bros, five fire bros and ten lakitus per castle section would make the castle impossible to navigate by even the most experienced intruder."

"What do you think I am, made of money? Do you know how many coins I need to raise to build these castles? Bros are expensive whiners," Bowser complained.

"Last time I tried to hire those fancy hammer flingers they demanded holiday pay, and stomp insurance. Next time I give them the time of day, they'll be trying to unionise."

"In which case, you may wish to consider closing your castles completely, so that Mario can't get in," Prudence continued.

"So that he can't get in?!" Bowser roared, and was disappointed when none of the spirits looked remotely intimidated. "What do you think I am, afraid of the little fat man?"

As Bowser spoke, Prudence had been crossing off words on her scroll with a cape-feather quill. She had almost reached the end of the scroll.

"My last suggestion for future survival," Prudence read off the list, "Is to try different forms of fortifications. Have you thought about, for example, a flying castle which Mario can't get to?"

Bowser visualised his majestic castle, floating high in the air. The stupid fat man down on the ground, desperately trying to jump up and reach the Princess, but it was too high for him. He smirked, and then quickly tried to look unimpressed.

"Hmph. What a stupid idea."

Prudence vanished her scroll away in a puff of smoke, and turned to Benevolence, who straightened up in his non-existent seat.

"Bowser," Benevolence began with a grand air. "I'm here for you."

Bowser waited, but more did not come.

"Gee thanks Ben. You outdid yourself this time," Bowser grunted.

Benevolence bowed, and in an instant, the four spirits vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Idiots," Bowser mumbled to himself as he turned away from the receding smoke, back towards the glass door. "Think they know everything … Hammer bros … flying castles … none of them ever invaded the Mushroom Kingdom as many times as I have!"

He continued ranting to himself in this vein as he reached the revolving glass door, pushed the pane, and squeezed through to the other side.

As the glass door closed behind him, Bowser fell off an invisible ledge, and descended, screaming, into the darkness ...

When Bowser woke up in his castle bed, his memory was blurry. He remembered having a bad dream last night. Something about a moving building that Mario couldn't get to …

Bowser grinned. He suddenly had an idea.