RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there. “Jesus Christ, are they going to yank this kid or just let them keep teeing off on him?” said spectator Chris Wheeler, who added that even the smallest batters on the opposing team have gone yard on the helpless fifth-grader. “I mean, he can barely lob his pitches over home plate. Poor little bastard. I feel bad that his parents have to sit through this.” At press time, an opposing baserunner had successfully stolen second after the catcher sent the ball sailing into center field for the fifth consecutive time.

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