The British Invasion is back and better than ever, thanks to Theresa May’s anti-straw ban that will soon take effect in UK. North America is in a tizzy over this season’s most revolting accessory – the plastic drinking straw.

Just like 5 years ago you wouldn’t be caught dead with a plastic water bottle (unless it was filled with a delicious fresh-pressed green juice), can you even fathom the embarrassment of using a plastic straw in public in 2018? Of course not!

Straws are an absolute frivolity that need to go! An unnecessary luxury that are single-handedly killing the planet! So this summer, choose to be the saviour Mother Earth needs by loudly declaring that, “No I don’t require a plastic straw. I have my own.”

But why stop there? The only way to prove how dedicated you are to the anti-straw movement is to constantly bring it up! Leer at those that have physical conditions that affect their ability to hold a cup or swallow and thus actually rely on straws, and shame them. Shame them.

Whip out your own stainless steel cylindrical badge of courage that you must now carry on your person at all times, and let your overwhelming guilt for our irreversibly damaged ecosystem triumph over your sense of public decency.

But maybe you’re thinking to yourself, isn’t the whole cup and lid of my iced coffee made of plastic too? And to that we say, don’t you worry your pretty little head!

After all if you can prevent even one straw from getting lodged in the throat of a baby turtle by screaming at a stranger that asks for a synthetic polymer death-trap, it will all have been worth it.