Masturbation: It’s dangerous and will likely kill you, if you’re masturbating in the comforts of the open road with a rabbit vibe while a seafood truck is careening towards you.


That’s all laid out in a recent news item about a woman who was living her best life, until she wasn’t. According to The Bristol Post, an unidentified woman crashed her Mini Cooper into a seafood delivery vehicle when she took her eyes off the road due to the pleasures she was receiving in her genital region. The Post reports that the driver of the seafood truck was worried he might be fired for the crash; it was, remarkably, his first day on the job after not being able to find work for a very long time.

Fortunately for the driver, but not so fortunately for the woman you’re reading about, his bosses only had one thing to ask him: Did you see the video?


The seafood truck, as it happened, was equipped with a rear camera, and its unblinking eye caught everything, including the woman’s public indiscretions. In fact, what was caught on the video was so damning that Bro Bible suspects that the woman was not opposed to others seeing her, citing the fact that Mini Coopers are very low to the ground, and anyone driving a truck or a higher-sitting car would have been able to watch the woman going at it with reckless abandon.

Luckily, no one was hurt during the incident and the case is now with the seafood company’s insurance company. The company’s not commenting on the situation, but sources have reported that the accident happened during a traffic jam, and the vibrator is alleged to have been “rabbit-style.”

This is a good reminder to never masturbate on the highway until you’re very sure that you can handle both the mortal sin and the maneuvering of your vehicle.

Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com .