Equestrian

Price: Saddle sores/horsemeat scandals

If you are serious about being wealthy, one of life’s great pleasures is developing a sense of class that is far beyond that of the common man. This means enjoying activities like polo, croquet and collecting ascots. While nearly everyone has donned a cowboy hat and straddled a petting zoo pony or mounted a dude ranch work horse better named Gluestick than Silver, the truly wealthy do not consider these representative of a true equine aficionado. In fact, the rich consider anyone that wears blue jeans and a straw hat more likely to be proficient with a pitchfork and a wheelbarrow than a saddle and a bridle. Instead, one simply must own a proper collection of riding boots, flared riding pants and a helmet reminiscent of Marvin the Martian, if Marvin owned a Bentley.

While a trusted steed may elicit images of John Wayne, the Lone Ranger or Clint Eastwood, rich people know that only and elite few can exhibit the grace and elegance of an equestrian rider. The majesty of rider taming a well-papered beast and becoming one as they gracefully vault over obstacles in a race against time is akin to watching a an Italian mechanic tune a classic Ferrari…while it is moving. Equestrian may at first blush appear a frivolous pastime but one must move beyond the literal interpretation and realize it is in fact a metaphor for success as many wealthy patrons believe they have pulled themselves up by the bootstraps overcoming humble beginnings as trust fund children who did not see a penny until they turned 21 or until they narrowly graduated from an Ivy League college at a campus littered with buildings named after their forefathers.

As always, the challenge is not how to mock the frivolities of the wealthy but to embrace them as a means to gallop into the inner circle. Naturally, as with other stuff rich people love, there is a vocabulary to learn. Understanding that the obstacles are called verticals or fences and that the horse and rider are called jumpers is table stakes, so the ability to discuss the finer points of the sport becomes critical. I recommend intimating a knowledge of dressage or perhaps the cultural importance of the fox hunt as light-hearted means to inspire your host to wax poetic on their thoughts about warmblood and thoroughbred breeding or their leaning towards Badminton versus Burghley as the pinnacle of success. Some may suggest that sincerity and genuine interest are keys to winning friends and gaining influence. Others believe that rich people are much more inclined to appreciate a sycophant that feigns interest rather than engaging in meaningful dialogue. Perhaps it is why horses make such great team mates.

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