FIVE DAYS OF WEEKEND, Y’ALL! Thanks to our early presidents’ greatness–now that we have works of art such as Hamilton and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, we can truly see Washington and Lincoln for the gods they were–the federal government has mandated a holiday on February 15th. So if your job is kind enough to follow the feds’ lead, you’ll have an extra day to enjoy yourself with a Third Coast Review curated event.

President’s Day really couldn’t have come at a better time, as the 2016 presidential election seems to have taken up the entirety of the national psyche, thanks in no small part to a certain real estate mogul/narcissist who besmirches one of our city’s more beautiful buildings with his ugly name plastered across the side. Speaking of Trump, if you haven’t seen Funny or Die’s fake biopic The Art of the Deal: The Movie, starring Johnny Depp as The Donald, stop reading this now and go watch it. It’s wonderful. (Then come back, please.)

Of course, by now you know that Trump was joined in the doghouse of shame this week by none other than Marco Rubio, who up until now had been the anti-Trump–clean-cut, polite, young, without a disgusting toupee. Everything changed for young Marco when the wiring inside his cranial cavity malfunctioned, causing him to repeat the same phrase four separate times in last weekend’s debate.

Chris Christie may have dropped out after his poor showing in New Hampshire, but what a way to go down. Rubio limped to a fifth-place finish in Tuesday’s primary and now has to deal with allegations that he’s a literal robot for the next few months. I don’t trust a robot to be president, and even if I did, I’d vote for Watson over Rubio in a heartbeat.

That said, one aspect of Rubio’s glitch proves to me that he isn’t a robot, and yet it may even be a more critical error than the fact that he apparently lacks a short term memory:

“Let’s dispel with this fiction once and for all that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing: he knows exactly what he’s doing.”

Can you spot the egregious grammatical error in the above sentence?

The correct answer: the word “with” BELONGS NOWHERE IN THAT PHRASE! You can do away with something, but you do not dispel with something; you just dispel it. That verb needs an object, because it is a transitive verb, and the way Rubio has stated his glitch, IT DOES NOT HAVE AN OBJECT. One could almost say that Rubio lacks object permanence, which, along with his paucity of short term memory, would indicate that he is a child under the age of four. Or he’s an alien, or even a resident of Kant’s noumenal world. Whatever the case may be, he clearly isn’t a fully functioning human adult, so he belongs nowhere near the Oval Office. Grammar Police saves the day yet again.

Anyway, on to this long weekend’s events!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11TH

Reggae Gold @ Subterranean, 2011 W. North Ave., 10:00 PM

WHAT: A goddamn reggae dance night at Subterranean. It happens every Thursday, as you can discover in ourfeature on the Wicker Park venue, but this week we decided to feature it on the calendar because it’s really cold.

SO WHAT: It’s really cold, you want winter to be over, and with all the bodies in SubT’s downstairs lounge for this, it will probably actually be more humid than it is in Jamaica. Be sure to bring your Bob Marley wigs, but it’s probably advisable to smoke beforehand, if that’s how you roll.

NOW WHAT: Tickets are $5 at the door.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12TH

19th Chicago Bike Winter Art Show @ Motor Row Gallery, 2345 S. Michigan Ave., 5:30 PM

WHAT: Single digit temperatures and thirty mph winds aren’t enough to stop Chicago bike and art communities. What better way to flip Winter the bird than celebrate the intersection of those worlds? SO WHAT: Over fifty works have been submitted to the 19th annual show sponsored by Bike Winter. Motor Row Brewing from down the street will be slinging some black lager and DJ Jivefresh will provide the tunes.

NOW WHAT: It’s free. It’s all ages. Just get on your bike and go! (though we wouldn’t blame you for taking the Green Line).

Henry Rollins @ Thalia Hall, 1807 S. Allport Ave., 8:30 PM

WHAT: The sold-out Parquet Courts and Godspeed You! Black Emperor shows at Thalia got you down? Well, the venue has plenty of events to go around. This weekend, Henry Rollins will be telling his stories of wreck dives, of travel, of making a few new films, and much more. SO WHAT: Rollins is many things. Though perhaps best known for singing in the hardcore punk band Black Flag, his work a few decades ago might eclipse his other creative work. He hosts a show on KCRW, writes regularly for LA Weekly, and hosts the show 10 Things You Don’t Know About. And this might just be scratching the surface. NOW WHAT: He’ll be staging his stories two nights in a row. During both nights, doors will open at 7:30 and the show will start at 8:30 . Tickets cost $26 and can be purchased He’ll be staging his stories two nights in a row. During both nights, doors will open atand the show will start at. Tickets cost $26 and can be purchased here for Friday and here for Saturday

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13TH

Ben Gould Opening Reception @ Ballroom Projects, 3012 S. Archer Ave., 7:00 PM

WHAT: is opening their exhibition calendar for 2016 with The Ballroom Projects is opening their exhibition calendar for 2016 with Ben Gould’s show, “Don’t You Ever Tell Me to Get Real, I Know What Fucking Real Is, Okay?” SO WHAT: The exhibition will include a transformation from the real to the beautiful — and if the title doesn’t lure you in, the mysterious nature of the work sure will. Ben Gould lives and works in Kansas City, Missouri. NOW WHAT: Ballroom Projects is located in a gorgeous DIY gallery space in Bridgeport. The reception will be held from 7-10pm , with a performance at 9pm , and the exhibition will be on view until March 5th .

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14TH

Valentine’s Day Musical Review @ The Hideout, 1354 W. Wabansia Ave., 6:00 PM

WHAT: A bunch of love songs sung by a bunch of really good singers to benefit the Chicago Diabetes Project. SO WHAT: If you’re still looking for Valentine’s Day plans, look no further. The Hideout is an awesome venue, and what makes you look like a better person than taking your significant other to a romantic charity event? Not that you’re doing this for appearances, of course…right? NOW WHAT: Tickets are $75 for singles and $100 for a pair, but you’re not seriously going to a night of love songs on Valentine’s Day stag, are you? Unless you’re super passionate about finding a cure for diabetes, in which case you’re a better person than us. *NOTE: It is also acceptable to take your significant other to a lovely restaurant, or to sit them down on the couch and watch Disney XD’s Gravity Falls marathon, which is what I’ll be doing all weekend. MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15TH Teach-in: Light of a Black Star @ BING Art Books, 307 E. Garfield Blvd., 2:00 PM

WHAT: In an interactive teach-in, Chicago MC and Arts + Public Life artist-in-residence Aquil Charlton will disclose his research on the music of rebel singer-songwriter Eugene “Gene” McDaniels and its subsequent impact on generations of listeners, artists, and activists.

SO WHAT: Gene McDaniels made music in all sorts of genres, and his philosophical transformation over the course of his career holds a lot of lessons for us given the volatile state of race relations in America. Also, free food and drinks.

NOW WHAT: The event is free, but RSVP here.