TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact

A local woman’s body has taken revenge on her today after she poisoned it over a period of 12 hours last night.

During the week, Tamara Johns (26), struggles to wake up with her 6am alarm, but it appears her mind had other plans for her as it clicked into gear and started processing over a hundred different non-existent scenarios that occurred during her night out last night.

The Advocate used a resident clairvoyant to speak with Tamara’s body to understand exactly why it was so vindictive towards its other self even though it would be within the firing line.

“I don’t care if I’m affected by this. She wakes me up at 6am every day when all I want to do is sleep, so now it’s my turn “

“Screw her”

According to Dr Christopher McPhone, a virginal yet a reputable biological researcher, it’s quite common for people like Tamara to be betrayed by their body when they least need it.

“It just comes down to our circadian rhythm, which is a biological process that displays an endogenous, entrainable oscillation of about 24 hours. These 24-hour rhythms are driven by a circadian clock, and they have been widely observed in plants, animals, fungi, and cyanobacteria.”

At the time of press Tamara was still in bed tossing and turning, doing her best to defy her wide-awake back stabbing body.

More to come.