Image Via Amber Leventry

I don’t understand “girly girl” culture. The hair, the makeup, the clothes and shoes, and the time and money spent on all of it really baffles me. Seeing a woman gracefully walk in heels or perfect her eyeliner at a traffic stop is pretty incredible, though. I appreciate some of the things women do, but I don’t always understand said things.

I am queer and nonbinary. I am the gay friend who was assigned female at birth but doesn’t identify with the binary of being male or female, yet I have a vagina and fall in love with vagina carrying women. I know: I am super fun. In a rainbow nutshell and based on gender stereotypes, I am kind of like your boyfriend or husband but also understand you like a girlfriend. To a degree.

I have lots of straight, cisgender lady friends, and I just don’t get some of what comes out of their mouths, especially when it has to do with “girly girl” stuff. Yet they look at me for sympathy when they tell me they can’t find their jade roller. I just stare and blink at them like Dora the Explorer. Sorry? WTF is a jade roller? And why did that make you cry?

How about a rolling pin? No? I have a caulking gun. Want to borrow that? HELP ME UNDERSTAND. Because I don’t. I get that it may be hard for you to wrap your head around the fact that I am nonbinary, but guess what ladies? I am just as confused by a lot of what you do. Your makeup routine, for example. I saw a friend take a motorized brush to her face this summer to remove her makeup.

First of all, how much are you wearing that you need what reminds me of an electric sander to remove it? Can’t you just use a wet washcloth? Or soap and water? And the number of brushes and sponges and types of both and OMG. Is this how you feel about my drill bits? (Pun intended.) And there are steps, apparently. I am learning that if you mess them up, that’s bad.

Realizing you forgot to apply blush and brush off the excess eyeshadow from your face!! #girlproblems #myfacelooksdirty #attheairport #calgontakemeaway — Suzie Spencer (@SpencerSuzie) December 5, 2018

And there are injuries.

You haven’t experienced true pain until you get an eyelash extension stuck in your eyeball in the middle of the night #girlproblems — Amanda Haarer (@amandahaarer) December 5, 2018

WHY? I mean, if this is fun for you and makes you feel good, have at it. I will support you. But if you think you need to roll or mask your face (I tried it just to see what the big deal was and I think I did it wrong) or get poked with synthetic eyelashes to look good, then let me clear things up: You all are already beautiful.

And I got nothin’ when you say shit like this:

Just bought a new lipgloss that burns my throat after I lick my lips #girlproblems — Bambi Dawn (@BeDeeCee) December 7, 2018

And now the hair. It’s like you start at the top and work your way down in a series of torture treatments. What information are you trying to get out of yourselves? And my god, the agony over bangs. I never give it a thought, yet so many of you seem obsessed with this and are so full of regret.

Bobby pins, clips, blow drying, and straightening. I am exhausted from all that seems to go into maintaining the hair on your head. And sometimes makeup and hair meet, and I am so, so sorry.

I never have these problems with ChapStick.

I’m going to skip the neck down for now and go right to the shoes. However, please know that I hear you when you go off about boobs, bras, Spanx, thongs, yoga pants, and dresses with pockets. I SEE YOU, OKAY? I just don’t know what to say. I stick to sports bras and go commando or wear boxers. And all of my shorts have pockets. Want me to carry something? Wait, no, you have 95 purses. Hold my keys please.

Got any snacks in there?

But really, shoes. You are either going bankrupt from buying one more pair of cute shoes or are complaining about how a pair is causing cramping and bleeding. Again, torture should not be a part of your daily routine.

Breaking in flats for the fall? Biggest pain in my tush #girlproblems #shoes — Stephanie Ramos (@ImStephRamos) September 4, 2013

What does this mean? Do you only wear flats in the fall? Why must you break them in?

You can always turn back. But I guess complaining about it for the rest of the night is cool too.

You are planners and multitaskers though.

When you have to plan your workout so it doesn’t involve any legs cause you know you’ll be in heels all night tomorrow #GirlProblems — darya (@Daryax22) December 6, 2018

13 hour day & 5 inch heels aren't the best mix. On the plus side, bit of a leg workout 😉 #girlproblems #heels #shoes — Kim (@smithie_k) August 12, 2014

I just don’t get it. I can be high maintenance when it comes to self-care—I like defined eyebrows and a dope outfit too—but all of your #girlproblems seem pretty easy to fix. I love you, gals, but I will never understand your culture.

I want cute nails and lots of makeup and the best shoes but all I got is 10 dollars #makeup #girlproblems #shoes — Joanne P. (@Joanne_P98) April 27, 2016

Blink. Blink.