Well, it’s that time of year again. A time to enjoy the simpler things in life. Family. Friends. Gathering around the light from a cellphone in your blacked out living room because the power’s down in three suburbs in every direction.

I know nobody likes a whiner, but if you can’t laugh at Eskom, and their plans for another series of rolling blackouts while more generator repairs are undertaken, who can you laugh at?

This one’s for everyone back in South Africa, and our beloved electricity provider.

The Twelve Rolling Blackouts (A Christmas Tale)

On the first rolling blackout, my true love gave to me, a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the second rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the third rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

3 kids, so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the fourth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the fifth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

5 golden minutes in which we thought the electricity was back on but it was all a lie oh my god there is NOTHING to do wanna play another game of fucking gin rummy?

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the sixth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

6 backlogged work days,

5 golden minutes.

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the seventh rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

7 hours of boredom,

6 backlogged workdays,

5 golden minutes.

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the eighth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

8 traffic fuckups,

7 hours of boredom,

6 backlogged workdays,

5 golden minutes.

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the ninth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

9 handwashed laundries,

8 traffic fuckups,

7 hours of boredom,

6 backlogged workdays,

5 golden minutes,

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the tenth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

10 candlelit dinners,

9 handwashed laundries,

8 traffic fuckups,

7 hours of boredom,

6 backlogged workdays,

5 golden minutes,

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the eleventh rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

11 “agge nee, man”s,

10 candlelit dinners,

9 handwashed laundries,

8 traffic fuckups,

7 hours of boredom,

6 backlogged workdays,

5 golden minutes,

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.

On the twelfth rolling blackout, my true love gave to me:

12 unsaved essays,

11 “agge nee, man”s,

10 candlelit dinners,

9 handwashed laundries,

8 traffic fuckups,

7 hours of boredom,

6 backlogged workdays,

5 golden minutes,

4 bloody gas stoves,

3 kids so bored,

2 frozen showers,

And a blackout schedule no one believes.