MY WORK

The culmination of not just my project, but of my high school years

SELF

As months go by I'm paralyzed

No progress has been made with me

I'm just another boy that's stuck

On the edge of the balcony Surrounded by people who with

Each other talk and love and care

But my sense of unity with all my friends

Is neither here nor there I have to force myself to be around them

Maybe that'll change

My feelings or at minimum

I'll keep myself from going insane I pick my brain it's all the same

No matter what I'm still in pain

Whose blade is only sharpened by the

Voice inside my brain that's singing ​ Don't kid yourself

You know you have no sense of self

You model your own actions

After everybody else Don't try to reinvent the wheel

In order to earn mass appeal

You have to reach down deep inside you

And find out how you feel ​ But,

When in Rome they say

You got to do as Romans do

So maybe I'll just scrap my personality

And start anew I'll build my life my hopes my dream

‘Round being one of them

And maybe once I'm one of the boys

I'll soon be a man I remember where I was walking

When I got the call

I was strolling down the path

To go from school into the fall And my best friend who I knew

Since I was 12 was on the line

And he reaffirmed my action plan

For how to make things fine He said I shouldn't distance myself

From the friends I had

And if I tried to prove I wasn't one of them

Then that would just make me more sad It was fine advice but maybe

I just took too much to heart

Though initially my plan

Didn't get too bad of a start But six months later I was feeling

Like a vessel or a shell

Of a human and I had this voice that

Kept telling myself that ​ Don't kid yourself

You know you have no sense of self

You model your own actions

After everybody else Don't try to reinvent the wheel

In order to earn mass appeal

You have to reach down deep inside you

And find out how you feel ​ By the ending of 10th grade

I don't think that I ever dreamed

That I'd feel like someone else

By the time I was seventeen I was too deep in the closet

Even deeper in my hell

But I guess it's as they say

You cannot escape from yourself

LIVE

One lone search away Was a place where people were free to say The parts they expressed in a different way And it was in this place that I chose to stay

And I all felt it coming back to me The parts of my youth I didn’t want to see As I thought about it more memories unfurled Where I was ashamed to like something cause it was for girls ​ I remembered I was little A free spirit through and through When I went to go out shopping And came back with bright pink boots

No one gave a single care Back in my kindergarten days But I can’t help but wonder if That was only in that place

Pillows strapped to the body With helicopters ahead Make an anxious mother happy And a kid that’s been mislead

When I managed to stay safe Under hyper-careful watch I can’t help but wonder If my independence had been lost ​ Years later I have found myself Inside engulfing echo chambers Where the hurt that’s on this earth Is reduced a quiet whisper

Trapped inside these rainbow halls I wonder what’s on the outside And if I ever go out again Will I be forced to hide?

Do I have to stand out? I don’t have the courage When violence towards people Like me is encouraged

Do I have to be the token face Of a whole damn movement? I just want to live the life I haven’t finished yet ​ Do I have to give my life? In order to live my own? Do I have to give my life? In order to live my own? ​

FIRSTS

So I’m on the other side And there’s no way back But there’s no path forward Just a room of black

And with no light to look up to I’m engulfed by all the dark And I can’t find light within me ‘Cause there’s fear inside my heart

Maybe someday I’ll depart But right now I’ll fall apart It feels the walls are closing in As side to side I dart

In retrospect I see the walls Were really just illusions Projected by gender norms That just foster exclusion ​ I try to find myself But all I get is push back They wanna make me travel ‘round But I have to unpack

In my room alone Just as I rehearsed I’ll take out my bag And try another first ​ First time that I went out shopping There was fear inside my eyes In the forest of people I Felt like I’d been petrified

Would I manage to get anything Without the trailing eyes? I told myself they weren’t looking But I was telling lies

Upon arriving home I crammed everything away In a closet whose hinges Were just about to break

While I had mentioned beforehand Female clothes were what I sought I won’t forget my terror When my mom asked what I bought ​ I try to find myself But all I get is push back They wanna make me travel ‘round But I have to unpack

In my room alone Just as I rehearsed I’ll take out my bag And try another first ​ It’s one thing when you wear dresses In the comfort of home It’s another when you’re with no friends But you are not alone

On the streets I go to roam And there’s no hiding the fact I stick out, I am trans How the hell will they react?

But my vision fades to black And the looks fade from their faces I imagine this, but it’s what I face on a daily basis

Still I try to take it day by day And not listen to what they say I learned dissociation Can make it all go away ​ I try to find myself But all I get is push back They wanna make me travel ‘round But I have to unpack

In my room alone Just as I rehearsed I’ll take out my bag And try another first ​ Eventually I found support Of people who heard what I said And knew that my experience Was like the one that they had led

I was so thankful I never met Anyone that wanted me dead At the same time I wanted to Save them from the walls they fled ​ We try to find ourselves But all we get is push back They wanna make us travel ‘round But we have to unpack

In our rooms alone Just as we rehearsed We take out our bags And try another first

EPILOGUE