The holidays are upon us, and the gatherings are usually met with diverse reactions. Some families in America are fortunate enough to share the same politics views, or even watch the same news channel. In years past, the families that had political differences were better able to put those differences aside, and talk about football, life, and the awesome meal that brought them all together. These days, however, even the most moderately divided household is struggling to put politics aside. Only a small fraction (15%) of Americans are looking forward to discussing politics this Thanksgiving dinner. [1] With the shrinking number of current events being apolitical, how can we prepare for the almost inevitable moment of strife?

Only a small fraction (15%) of American’s are looking forward to discussing politics this Thanksgiving dinner

Choosing whether or not to engage in a political discussion can be highly situational and social norms might pressure us to just take a deep breath, preemptively agree to disagree, and keep putting food in our mouths instead. I would suggest that you speak up early in the conversation if you have a good opportunity, and be the voice of reason and humility at your table. Those seeking to make a stand and correct your misguided aunt, consider that you are probably not going to change her mind that night. Instead, accept the fact you are not going to change anyone’s mind and instead, treat it as an opportunity to learn why someone has differing views to yours.

I’ve gathered together 5 tips that I find to be particularly helpful when engaging my own family and friends in political discussion.

1. Know your audience and be helpful

Check in on everyone before going to the table. How did the preparations go? Did anyone need to do a last minute run to the store, or have a car full of screaming kids on the way over? Take someone’s coat, help the elderly walk up that pesky front step, and show everyone why gathering together this year was a good idea. Once everyone is relaxed and welcomed, bring up some small talk to see what’s on people’s minds. Anyone stretching topics to touch on politics? Let’s keep tabs on the people who brought their boxing gloves to the table.

Take someone’s coat, help the elderly walk up that pesky front step, and show everyone why gathering together this year was a good idea.

2. Consider the topic

It would behoove of us to avoid, if at all possible, a few particularly touchy, emotionally-charged topics. And let’s not forget who else might be in the room. Anything that might bring up a personal trauma should be absolutely avoided in an open setting. No abortion, or physical abuse, police brutality, or a recent tragedy. If you identify a topic like this being brought up, do the responsible thing and help steer the conversation to a new subject. However, if the topic seems to be on the lighter side, use it as an opportunity for a fruitful discussion.

Anything that might bring up a personal trauma should be absolutely avoided in an open setting.

3. Listening is more important than talking

Let’s first take a step back and acknowledge that we don’t know everything, that we could be wrong, and that we might learn something new that could change our minds. Avoid speaking out as soon as you have a talking point that counters what someone is saying, just so you can revel in that gotcha moment. Instead, let someone complete their sentiment and really try to understand where they are coming from. Studies show a measurable increase in a change in bias if we can speak to the values of the person we want to persuade. [2] Why do they think their point was worth bringing up? What deeper meaning could this have for them? How could you imagine sharing that view? Press pause, and try to understand the core value systems at play.

Studies show a measurable increase in a change in bias if we can speak to the values of the person we want to persuade.

4. Ask questions, but don’t accuse

Put yourself in that hypothetical reality that assumes the person speaking is being 100% truthful and sincere. They might be family after all, so let’s give some benefit of the doubt and ask questions that might string together what we don’t understand about our new reality. A why question might give you valuable insight on their value system. Encourage a story for more background on their upbringing, or key life events that helped shape their view.

Encourage a story for more background on their upbringing, or key life events that helped shape their view.

Asking how questions can actually be the key to de-escalating a misinformed speaker. Experiments have shown that when asking participants their level of knowledge about a certain issue, and then encouraging them to explain in as much detail as possible how one interconnected part connects to the next interconnected part of a very complicated topic, the majority of participants recalibrated their own assessment shortly after. [3] So long as you are asking questions in an honest and humble fashion, a series of how questions not only lessens the speaker’s confidence in their view over time, but it also sets up a foundation for mutual understanding of both sides.

5. Look for mutual agreement

If you are having these conversations, you might discover you share similar concerns with the country and you may even agree on what is the problem but may not share in a solution. That’s alright! Identifying and agreeing on those mutual agreements builds trust which can help maintain a calm environment for emotionally-charged topics. Even if you can’t agree, these moments remind us why we believe and think a certain way.

Political ideologies speak deeply about our personal values, hopes, and fears. Looking to understand those aspects of the person, and you will learn far more about the person and their politics.

If you happen to read this and try it out over Thanksgiving dinner, please let us know in the comments. And if the conversations didn’t go so well or you’re looking for civil political discourse, try our new messaging service, Confidist. Happy Holidays!