WASHINGTON—Kicking off the power cord that was coiling itself around his ankle, Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang frantically attempted to load a shotgun Monday as a hissing, crackling copy machine lurched towards campaign staffers. “I’ve got the copier. Zach, you destroy the cell phones, and for God’s sake, everyone, stay away from the Keurig, it’s sparking,” said Yang, firing a shot that obliterated the sentient machine’s paper tray before pumping three more rounds into the dishwasher that had crept up behind him from the break room. “Quick, that fax machine is reactivating all the desktop computers, smash it before it gets to the thermostat. It’s me the electronics want, and they’ll kill anyone who gets in their way.” At press time, a lone iPad had beeped to life amidst the smoking ruins of democratic candidate’s former campaign headquarters, its charred, cracked screen reading only, “Yang Must Go.”

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