Police believe paraplegic Olympian Oscar Pistorius got in an argument with his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, hit her in the head with a cricket bat and shot her. Oscar has a different story. He gave his full statement in court on Tuesday and it makes absolutely no sense.

According to an unverified transcript, Oscar is still sticking with the mistaken intruder story. He says that on the night of February 13, Reeva spent the night at his place in his bed. Being “accutely aware of people gaining entries to homes to commit crime” and having received death threats, Oscar sleeps with a 9mm under his bed.

That night, he went to close the sliding door without his legs and heard a noise in the bathroom. The first thing any normal person would think is that THEIR GIRLFRIEND IS IN THERE. But not Oscar. He thought it was an intruder. So he took out his gun, went to the bathroom and screamed at the intruder. Remember, he didn’t have his legs on at the time so he “felt vulnerable.” And also remember, his girlfriend wasn’t your average human being who’d respond when being yelled at from outside the bathroom.

Oscar then fired shots through the bathroom door and “told Reeva to call police.” That’s when he walked back to bed and saw Reeva wasn’t there and that’s when he realized Reeva must have been in the bathroom the whole time. Dun dun dun.

He went to the balcony and screamed for help, put on his prosthetic legs and tried to kick open the door. He then went to get a cricket bat to bash it open. He called paramedics and complex security but it was too late. Reeva had died in his arms. Says Oscar, “I am mortified.”

Hm, maybe use a stronger word next time. Mortified is what old ladies are when you wear white after Labor Day.

His statement went on, “I believe the forensic evidence will prove what I am saying. I used a cricket bat to break open toilet door. I am an international sports star, I will not evade my trial.”

So to answer your question, yes, did he just use a variation of “do you know who I am?”

Having a brain and common sense, the judge denied his bail.