Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome


MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-comedy film Hudson Hawk, and mail. “For all the chatter that’s surrounding tonight’s contest, when everything’s said and done, pens, John Cheever, and whether ferns require direct sunlight just aren’t going to come into play,” said NBA On ABC analyst Mike Breen, while systematically listing every single person, place, object, event, and concept that likely would not impact the pivotal championship game in the end, such as ocelots, the Stockholm School of economic thought, and rice noodles. “The fact is, after that final whistle blows, sea levels, cotton, Minsk, cell phone data plans, faucets, Incan burial rites, selenium, ribbon, bulldozers, light-emitting diodes, romaine lettuce, spelling, napkins, sustainable design, Space Shuttle Endeavor, gravel, the Frankfurt Auto Show, pumpkin recipes, chairs, strategic petroleum reserves, Erik Spoelstra’s coaching ability, interstate commerce, hiking trails of the Great Smoky Mountains, acoustics, the deceptions of nostalgia, tunnels, wheat, and Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’ video just won’t have been a factor on the court. This isn’t the Western Conference Finals we’re talking about, after all.” Though at press time Breen and his colleagues were just three hours into enumerating those things that would not influence the outcome of Game 6, sources close to the analysts have confirmed that the commentators are also planning on cataloging the things that will in fact affect the matchup, a far shorter list that consists solely of the Spurs and Heat rosters, how well these players perform, and Spanish Colonial architecture.