Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

The Hard Truth

On November 2, 2018 my father completed suicide by shooting himself in the bathtub of my family’s home. He was a True Believing Mormon (or more accurately Active Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, with a current Temple Recommend)*. My father had a history of anxiety, but no history of suicidal thoughts. I’m not sure about his status around depression. He was happy to admit his father suffered from depression, but he never talked about it to me in that sense.

My father was a feeling man. When he felt an emotion, his whole body felt the emotion. When he believed something, he believed it completely. In the last year of his life, he began to excessively lose weight. He lost his appetite and it really bothered him. Suddenly, found himself frail, weak, and in pain. No one realized how much pain he was in until it was too late. My mother came home from work to find a note from him that said he was in the bathtub. She dropped the groceries, sensing something menacing, saw blood dripping over the bathtub, and peeked behind the curtain enough to see him hunched over with a gun between his feet.



The Shock

My parents had just come back from vacation to Israel and Egypt, and had been home for about a week when he killed himself. He had been pretty miserable on the trip, but the group really tried to help him have fun. He posed for pictures, sort of.



My Dad’s suicide came as a shock to everyone. He was the youngest of six siblings, and the first one to pass. His brother told me, if you would line all of us up and ask who is the most likely to commit suicide, Doug would have come in seventh. People from his church expressed similar sentiments to me. The problem with suicide is that you can never really know everything, and you never stop speculating.

My Dad’s Mental Health

There was no question that my Dad was heading toward some kind of dementia. Often, he acted confused, clingy, and forgetful. He had a fear of hospitals and facilities which made his anxiety worse. He refused to go to the doctor, and when he did the doctors would report nothing was wrong with him. An emergency room doctor asked him, why are you even here?



After 48 years of marriage (shy of one week–the jerk!), my mother saw more signs than anyone else. Instead of realizing how big the signs were, my mom focused on hiding them from other people. She was afraid of what people would think of his emotional frailty. This comes from a lifetime of living with my outspoken father who was constantly offending people. Her survival mechanism was to do damage control. Unfortunately, this weighs heavily on my mother after the event. I don’t know what extent she blames herself, but I worry about her.

My Speculations On Why He Chose Suicide

I was raised by a very passionate man. He didn’t just believe, he knew the church was true. He knew the Book of Mormon was true. He knew that all of the teachings of the church were true. He knew, he knew, he knew. Why would such a religious man choose suicide?



I’ve been told that the church has begun to shift their stance on suicide, saying that its members shouldn’t judge because often it can be caused by mental health problems. My father had recently been asking about quitting his medications, and wondering if he died because of it, would that be considered suicide? In these investigations, I suspect he learned that the church did not have a hard line against suicide.



Obsessed with Death

Photo by Josh Marshall on Unsplash

I’ve noticed since leaving the Mormon faith, is that Mormons are obsessed with death. It’s not surprising when you believe that you will become Gods and Goddesses in the after-life, you can’t wait to get there. For many Mormons, they see our present life as a test (meaning bad that are going to happen) to prove their worthiness to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.



Forgiveness

I believe my father convinced himself that God would completely forgive him for the suicide, and went for it before he could change his mind. When I try to line it up with other teachings of the church, I’m sure he neglected to go through all the teachings he subjected me to over the years. Surely he would think this a sin, you have to repent of sins, and be forgiven while alive so you can take the sacrament to wash them away. (Other Mormon readers, correct me if I’m wrong!) So being of sound mind enough to decide that you will be forgiven doesn’t make sense. However when I weigh all of my information, this still makes the most sense to me.

What This has Done to Me

I have been really angry since my father’s suicide. It was a selfish decision by a selfish man. I can’t help but think about how he preached that a man is supposed to take care of his wife, and yet he forced my mother to be the one to find him. He left her to be independent in a world where she was always dependent on him. He never called me since returning from his trip. They were so recently back and I was going to see them soon for Thanksgiving so I didn’t call just to give them time a space to settle in after such a big trip.



I’m angry that he put suicide on the table for my family. I’m afraid that another person close to me is going to be more likely to choose this route because suicide is contagious.



Oh! The Dreams!

My dreams have been very strange since my dad’s passing. Many times I dream that he’s back and preaching to his family again. I ask him why he isn’t dead, and he shrugs says, Death is nothing in the eyes of the lord. I have daydreams about him pulling the trigger and I freeze. I wake up anxious in the middle of the night and struggle settling down back to sleep. I’m not sure I’m ever going to see the end of these dreams.



What’s next?

Really early on in my grief (well it’s still early on) I recognized the need for self care. Many Mormons like me who have left the church reject all spiritual practice. I did for a long time. In the last few years, I’ve begun to research and develop a personal spiritual practice. In my time of grief I have turned to guided meditations. They support my weaknesses and bolster my strengths. Many Mormons do not understand what people mean by a spiritual practice. The phrase feels so wrong when you look at it through a Mormon lens. I hope to help others not fear spirituality.



Next up on the blog

Come back next weekend for a new post about basic meditation. I plan to post every weekend. Sometimes about my Mormon childhood and its effect on my life, and sometimes about my spirituality. Next month I will cover my personal experience of child sexual abuse and the church. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! See you next week!

*Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (which I refer to as “The Church”) have embraced the label “Mormon” until on 16 August, 2018, the President, Russell M. Nelson, made an official statement that members should no longer refer to themselves as Mormon. I refuse to accept this confusing change and attempt to rebrand, and will continue to use the Mormon name reference.

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