Admit it, you're guilty. When you fall off, it's never your fault. The conditions weren't right, your belayer is an inattentive fool and the latest rock shoes you bought just aren't up to scratch. They say a workman never blames his tools. A climber, on the other hand, can apportion blame for failure to a seemingly endless list of both plausible and immaterial causes.

Lowering after some big air time in Ceuse, france © Natalie Berry

The most imaginative of climbers have an eye for detail when it comes to conjuring excuses reasons for falling off. Logic goes out the window and all manner of incongruous cause-and-effect explanations come to the fore. Inadequate morphology, unknown external influences, pre-session nocturnal alcohol consumption or previously uncharted fluctuations in gravitational forces - all legitimate reasons for those with expertise in excuses.

What's the most ludicrous excuse for falling off that you've ever heard? It may well feature in this list. Walls have ears...

I Fell off Because…

It’s a high gravity day The walk-in tired me out My shoes are too old My shoes are too new My shoes are too big My shoes are too small My shoes were dirty The route was chossy I didn’t have a cup of tea beforehand I didn’t have Weetabix for breakfast I wanted to do a practice fall I climbed yesterday I haven’t climbed since yesterday My hands were greasy The hold was wet I ran out of chalk My chalk isn’t absorbent enough I used too much chalk The tick marks threw me off I had a cooking injury last night and cut my finger I was live-updating my UKC Logbook It started raining The wind blew me off The sun came out The sun disappeared

© Rob Greenwood It was dark.

My belayer pulled the rope tight It was sabotage The pads were in the way My mate gave me rubbish beta Crimps aren’t my thing Slopers aren’t my forte My fingers are too fat for pockets Jugs aren’t my strongpoint… I’m too short I’m too tall My legs are too long My arms are too short My legs are too short My arms are too weak I’m not flexible enough Falling looks great on a GoPro My skin is sore My feet are achy My training program only started 6 months ago I’m due to peak in a week’s time I’m too old I’m too young I’m past my physical prime I’m more of a boulderer I’m more of a trad climber I’m more of a sport climber I’m more of a rambler or scrambler than a dangler I'm more of an alpine climber I'm more of an armchair climber. Wait, what?!...

There were no holds. © Rob Greenwood

The route wasn’t my style The route was rubbish Rockfax told me to go the wrong way… The crag was too busy The crag was too quiet I ate too many baguettes I didn’t have my protein shake I drank too much last night I didn't drink enough last night I didn’t do my yoga this morning The ambience wasn’t right The route has clearly changed The jug fell off There was a spider Thee was a snake There was a bird There was bird poo on the hold The hold broke I didn’t want to polish the holds The bolts ran out The bolts were rock-coloured and camouflaged My belayer farted I farted and lost my body tension I forgot to breathe

It's snowing... © Rob Greenwood

A dog barked A bird laughed at me menacingly Local youths shouted abuse at me My phone rang I didn’t want to show up my mate I didn’t want to get too tired I got a whiff of smelly climbing shoe Onsighting is boring anyway I like the challenge of redpointing I wanted to pretend I was Superman I wanted to pretend I could fly Falling looks cool Adam Ondra falls off lots anyway My beanie fell over my eyes I got chalk in my eye I got grit in my eye I got muscle cramp in my forearms I got Elvis leg I got grit rash I spent too much time on the UKC forums this week I don’t ‘do’ tufas My spotter pulled me off A drone flew past There was too much rope-drag My mum told me to come down I don’t climb well on Wednesdays Nor any day ending in a ‘y’ I was wearing too many layers

I was wearing too many layers. A winter's day at Gogarth © Rob Greenwood

My lycra was so bright it dazzled me I rested too little yesterday I rested too much I got too hot I got too cold My mate put a brick in my chalkbag Nobody was shouting “Allez!” People were shouting “Allez!” There were too many spectators There weren’t enough spectators I spent too long trying to remember what the guy did in the YouTube beta video I wanted to log “DNF” in my UKC logbook The route wasn’t in season My picks are too blunt Conditions were not perfect Conditions were “smeggy” Conditions were "disappointing" Conditions were [insert pretentious synonym for 'wet']

Conditions got Scottish... © Chris Prescott