In what is definitely not a cynical cash-in, the producers of Spielberg's scaly masterpiece are rereleasing it with all the latest cinematic gimmickry. The problem is, it's definitively a 2D film

Reading this on mobile? Click here to view

Jurassic Park might have been released almost 20 years ago, but that doesn't mean that people have ever stopped complaining about it. On and on they go. "It didn't make me feel violently nauseous!" they cry, and "I didn't get eye-strain, not even once! I hate you, Jurassic Park!"

Well, finally, the Jurassic Park producers have listened to you. They know a Jurassic Park that doesn't make your eyes throb after 20 minutes is no Jurassic Park at all. That's why next year they're rereleasing the film in digital 3D. No, they're not doing it as a cynical cash-in job because James Cameron did it with Titanic and it made him loads of money. They're doing it because they genuinely believe that people want to sit through a film they've already seen a billion times in a pair of uncomfortable glasses that make their nose and ears hurt. Well done them, I say. The Jurassic Park 3D trailer has just been released, so let's see what's in store.

Jurassic Park 1

Well, this is encouraging. Apparently, at the start of Jurassic Park 3D the Universal logo magically whooshes right out of the screen at you! Or at least it very briefly gets slightly bigger. You see, that's worth the extra fiver alone, isn't it? No?

Jurassic Park 2

This is more like it, though. Travelling through the famed Jurassic Park gates was thrilling enough back in 1993, but imagine how much more impressive it'll be with the swoop and pomp of a 3D overhaul. This might not be a colossal waste of money after all.

Jurassic Park 3

And of course, who can forget the moment when Dr Alan Grant gets his first glimpse of a real-life dinosaur? This is hands-down one of the most iconic moments in modern cinema. Just think of what it'll be like to sit in packed cinema during the 3D rerelease. Grant's jaw drops in disbelief. The John Williams score swells to its most majestic peak, and the audience cries out in unison …

Jurassic Park 4

"What's that? I can't see – 3D films are so murky. Is that a crow? A crow sitting in a puddle? What are those blurry little dog things on the right-hand side? My eyes hurt and I'm getting a headache. This was a stupid idea." It'll be a magical moment.

Jurassic Park 5

But still, that's not to say that Jurassic Park 3D's other iconic moments won't be enhanced by all this stereoscopic technology. Just look at this bit, where the T-Rex attacks the car. Except, hang on, no. The dinosaur is behind a pane of glass. That limits the 3D effect somewhat.

Jurassic Park 6

OK then, what about the scene where the raptor exhales noisily into a … ah, no, again, this all happens behind glass so the 3D will add nothing. Sorry.

Jurassic Park 7

How about the bit where the car flies straight into the audience? Or, to be more precise, the bit where the car would fly straight into the audience if it weren't for the branch in the foreground that renders the potential 3D quality of this scene redundant? No? Still waiting to be convinced?

Jurassic Park 8

Fine then, here's a furious dinosaur attack that … oh, it's behind glass again. Never mind. Who knew there was so much glass in Jurassic Park?

Jurassic Park 9

You'd think that by now the Jurassic Park people would have realised that an object either behind or reflected in glass is inherently two-dimensional, and so converting it to 3D won't enhance the action or augment the action or even make a blind bit of difference to the action. At the moment, this Jurassic Park 3D venture seems like a giant waste of time and money. You've got one last chance to prove me wrong.

Jurassic Park 10

What's that? There's a new animated Jurassic Park logo, and it leans out and bites at the screen? And it looks like it's been drawn on an Amiga 500? I take it all back. Count me in.