HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates. “Of the 2,000 individuals surveyed, we found that nearly nine in 10 said they would be watching tonight’s debate on the off-chance that they might get to witness the roof of Hofstra University’s Hagedorn Hall suddenly cave in and crush the nominees for president,” said Quinnipiac spokesman Michael Jovan, adding that the vast majority of the poll’s respondents expressed interest in how the candidates would respond to the entire overhead lighting grid or large chunks of the ceiling falling directly on top of them. “Our data also showed that over half of those surveyed wanted to hear what the Democratic and Republican nominees would scream if the floor of the debate stage suddenly splintered apart beneath their feet due to a massive earthquake directly below the building that swallowed both of them into the bowels of the earth.” Researchers noted that roughly one-third of survey respondents expressed displeasure with the debate format, saying that Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson should have been allowed onstage to be squashed alongside the major-party choices.

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