Matt Latimer is a former speechwriter for President George W. Bush. He is currently a co-partner in Javelin, a literary agency and communications firm based in Alexandria, and contributing editor at Politico Magazine.

Bernie Sanders' and Donald Trump's smashing victories in New Hampshire have left the political world shaken, even afraid. But the pundits are ignoring one amazing consolation: If this thing keeps going, we're going to see the most mind-blowing debates in the nation's history this fall. Imagine what it would look like to see these two men on stage, battling each other before a national television audience to become the most powerful leader on earth. Here, purloined from the future, is a transcript:

FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE


September 26, 2016

Wright State University

Dayton, Ohio

Ifill: This is Gwen Ifill with the PBS NewsHour. Welcome to the first presidential debate between the Republican nominee, businessman Donald J. Trump, and the Democratic Party’s nominee, Sen. Bernie Sanders. A note to our viewers: For the first time ever, we are transmitting this debate on a 30-second delay in case our producers need to bleep out any words expressed by one of the candidates. Gentlemen, welcome.

Opening Statements

Ifill: We’ll begin with Donald Trump.

Trump: Thank you, Gwen. We are going to make America great again. We are going to make America greater than it’s ever been, and I’m talking George Washington's time, OK? And the polls—the polls have been unbelievable. That we are up so much in places like Utah, and Idaho, and Wyoming. Republicans have never won in places like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are going to be so thrilled with the winning. With the beating of China—and I love China. I love China. But we’re going to do it, OK? And then there’s the deficit. We are not going to have a deficit anymore. It’s bankrupting our children. It’s not going to happen. And I want to point out my beautiful wife, Melania–what she puts up with from me!—and there’s Ivanka and the rest. And, so, very, very happy to be here today. Make America great. We’re going to do that. No socialism. No spending, spending, spending. I mean, the spending is ridiculous. And it starts right now.

Ifill: Sen. Sanders?

Sanders: I thank you for this opportunity. When I was driving over here this evening in my lime-green Prius, I never thought that we’d see a day like this. My hero, Eugene Debs, is looking down from heaven—if you believe in heaven—with a big smile on his face. This debate is my dream come true and I’ll tell you why. Because the system is rigged. It’s rigged by billionaires just like Trump here. He is the representative of a crooked system that rewards the very, very few at the expense of the working class. And—

Trump: Give me a break.

Sanders: And, I get to finish my statement.

Ifill: Mr. Trump, you agreed to these rules—

Trump: Gwen, I’ve been nice to you. Now I expect you to be nice to me. Bernie, save this for your Sons of Stalin meeting. Not gonna work.

Sanders: The elites can’t stand hearing the truth, can they, folks?

Ifill: Mr. Trump—

Trump: Gwen, he talked about me, OK? I get to respond. I’ve got to tell you, quite frankly, that this is going to be the easiest 90 minutes of my life. Because we’ve never, ever seen an election in which an avowed Communist is the Democrat Party nominee. People are telling me some really incredible things about this guy, Bernie Sanders. That the first book he read as a child was "Das Kapital." That he grew up pledging allegiance to the Cuban flag. That he was a KGB informant. That he does not tip well at restaurants. That’s what I’m hearing from some really, really smart, really connected people. And I’ll tell you something else—

Ifill: Mr. Trump, your time is expired.

Trump: And I’ll tell you something else. Kids of America, are you listening? Kids, if this guy gets elected, this is your last Christmas, OK? Christmas, kaput.

Ifill: Mr. Trump—

Trump: He is a Communist. And he is a Jew. And I love the Jews. But you do the math, OK? Thank you.

The Economy

Ifill: Sen. Sanders, many Americans are expressing anxiety about the state of the global economy. You’ve promised a radical change in America’s domestic priorities. Universal health care. Universal child care. Can you tell us how you are going to pay for this?

Sanders: The very, very wealthy in this country control almost all of America’s prosperity. They have taken advantage of a corrupt system that has gotten them richer at the expense of the working class, the labor movement, the middle-class families struggling to put food on the table. So, yes, I want more Americans to share the bounty of their work. Free health care. Free child care. Free groceries. And maybe we take some of these billionaires, pull them out of their mansions, and put them to work as free babysitters. I’ll go further. I want the working class to be able to go into doctor’s offices and take the free magazines they find in the lobby back home with them—without any judgment or reprisals.

Trump: What a [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP.]

Ifill: Mr. Trump, please.

Trump: I mean this is some very, very scary stuff we’re hearing from Comrade Sanders, OK? Remember, kids, no Christmas for you. Say goodbye to Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman and all of your little cuddly friends. Santa’s going to work in a Chinese sweatshop, kids.

Vice Presidency

Ifill: Mr. Trump, questions have been raised about your vice presidential selection, Oprah Winfrey, and her knowledge of basic foreign affairs. Most recently, she seemed to advocate that your administration’s policy toward Russian President Vladimir Putin would be to help him quote “feel his truest truth.” Unquote. She also said she was going to urge China’s President Xi to start “journaling.” Do you think Ms. Winfrey is ready to serve as commander in chief?

Trump: Now let me tell you something, Gwen. You are asking some very nasty questions right now. I don’t know what time of the month it is—

Audience: BOO

Trump: It’s true.

Audience: BOO

Trump: Look, I know this audience is filled with your PBS henchmen. But they aren’t going to intimidate me. Let me tell you something—PBS is very, very low rated. I hear it has all sorts of financial problems, OK? Some very smart people have told me that PBS needs to rely on government handouts just to survive. Look, there are some good things about PBS I love. The "Sesame Street" thing. My son Barron liked Elmo—to me, personally, that dirty red washcloth with a man’s hand up its [BLEEP] is a total [BLEEP] [BLEEP]. But that’s me, OK?

Sanders: Gwen, Gwen, if I may.

Ifill: Sen. Sanders, please.

Sanders: The reason Mr. Trump is not answering your question is that Oprah, like Donald, is a billionaire. She has taken advantage of millions of Americans to fatten her own wallet and she has absolutely no clue how to run this nation.

Trump: America does not have time for political correctness, folks. Yes, Bernie, Oprah is fat. But your vice presidential nominee is definitely no prize, let me tell you something. You want to put Hillary Clinton in the White House—one heartbeat away from the presidency? If I were you, Bernie, I’d have someone taste your Metamucil every morning to make sure she hasn’t poisoned it.

Health

Iflll: We are 45 minutes into this debate and we’ve had to use the 30-second-delay-button six times. Again, I would ask the candidates to please refrain from foul language in their answers.

We want to turn now to concerns about your health. Gentlemen, both of you would be over 70 years old if elected to the presidency. Either of you would be the oldest men ever elected to the White House. Does that cause you any concerns? Mr. Trump?

Trump: Gwen, I have the greatest doctor in the world, OK? I mean, he’s absolutely terrific. He’s a dear friend. I met him while I was on the ninth hole at the Trump Course in Scotland. And that is a beautiful country. Really wonderful people. So he has examined me for 26 years and every time he asks me to get undressed, he and the nurses can’t help themselves. They say, “Wow.” They say, “This is an incredible, very fit body.” They call in people from other rooms and say, “You’ve got to check out man’s beauty in its purest form.”

Sanders: I don’t think any of that happened, Gwen.

Trump: Check with me backstage after the show, Bernie, if you get my meaning.

Audience: BOO

Trump: So I don’t have any worries about that, Gwen, OK? I’ve got no problems in the virility area, if you catch my meaning. And neither should America. We will win.

Ifill: Sen. Sanders?

Sanders: Well, I don’t trust most doctors, Gwen, first of all. Most of them are extremely wealthy, and take advantage of the nursing profession. They are partners with corrupt drug companies that are bankrupting the proletariat—I mean, the public. So—

Trump: Answer the question, Bernie. I mean, let’s be honest here. Look at this guy—suit off the rack, hair like the mad scientist in “Back to the Future.” This is an absolute fossil—where did they dig up this guy? What happens, Bernie, if you’re in a meeting with Vladimir Putin—who likes me very much, by the way—and your hearing aid stops working? What—are you going to say, hold on for a second, while I change the batteries?

Sanders: I don’t wear a hearing aid.

Trump: And those glasses—were these a two-for-one deal at Wal-Mart? You can’t afford contacts? Anyway, those glasses are very, very third rate.

Closing Statements

Ifill: Now to our closing statements. Sen. Sanders, you are up first.

Sanders: This has been a very illuminating debate. We’ve seen firsthand the anger, the aggression, the last gasps of the 1 percent. They see a revolution coming. We are going to seize the tools of the state and bring prosperity to millions of Americans who have been oppressed for so long.

Trump: Bye-bye, Santa. Bye-bye, Jesus. Bye-bye, Easter.

Ifill: Sen. Sanders, please finish your statement, sir.

Sanders: The system is rigged, folks. That’s it. Thank you.

Ifill: Mr. Trump?

Trump: We are going to make America great again. I’ve said this many, many times throughout this campaign and people nod their heads. I don’t know—I guess no one’s ever said something like this to them before. We don’t think America can be great anymore. But we can be. I see this guy, Bernie Sanders, and I think about what the Russians tried to do to us in "Rocky IV." And Sylvester Stallone—and I love Sly who has endorsed me, by the way—and he wouldn’t put up with it. Neither should we. And Mexico will pay for our border wall. We are going to start winning and make everyone else lose. And we are going to save Christmas and Santa Claus from the Hunt for Red October over here. Thank you.

