Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God.

What's the problem?

I can't ... I can't tell you.

If you can't tell me your problem, it's going to be very difficult to provide a solution. We'll have to go through all the solutions, one at a time. Have you tried stopping, dropping and rolling?

No. OK. It's ...

What you'll need to do is drive the adrenaline shot through the breastplate, directly into the heart.

No, I'll tell you. It's ...

Seven.

What?

Douse yourself in tiger urine and use the bamboo to create a spear or similar type of polearm.

Getty

A halberd if you have the skill and time.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Shut up for a second! I'm going to tell you what my problem is.

You're out of bamboo?

No. I have ... a thing ... in my ... b ... b ... I can't tell you.

Bonnet. You have a bee in your bonnet. OK, that's actually easily dealt with.

No. My bottom.

Ouch. How'd you get a bee in your ass?

It's not a bee. It's a ... it's a gerbil.

AHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ONE OF THESE FOR FOREVER.

What?

You have no idea how big something like this is in the advice world. This is like stepping up to the advice plate with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, with everything on the line, and you're facing the hugest pitcher that Soviet science can produce.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

So ... you'll help?

Your pain is my opportunity for a fucking book deal. Of course I can help!

So what happened is ...

WHOA. I absolutely do not want to know how you got a gerbil in your ass. OK? For the time being I'm going to assume that this was caused by a really powerful and unlikely explosion in a pet store. Please do not correct me.