Boyfriend Down to Two Stocks After Being Knocked Off Bed

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local boyfriend Dennis McElris is reportedly down to just two stocks after being knocked off the bed by his sleeping girlfriend Jennifer Knapp last night at 3 a.m., tired sources report.

“Jenny rolled over in her sleep, but it was way more than that,” McElris said, rubbing a bump on his head. “She went to turn over but she kinda hopped up a bit, shifted down into the bed, slid across it, kicked her leg up, and then hit me with her arm. Next thing I knew I was on the floor.”

“I even tried to get back up onto the bed, but Jenny bedgeguarded me and kept swiping at me with her arms to prevent me from doing so,” McElris added. “All while she was asleep.”

According to those familiar with the situation, this is a common occurrence in the apartment shared by McElris and Knapp.

“I basically get JV four-stocked over the course of every week,” McElris explained, holding his head in shame. “I don’t really know what to do. I’ve tried knocking her off the bed too — which feels mean because it’s intentional — but she always managed to block me. Sometimes she does it super quick and her eyes glow yellow; it freaks me out. Again, all while she’s asleep.”

“And don’t tell me to practice — I practice!” he exclaimed. “The other day I took a sick day from work and just spent the whole day in bed, shifting my legs around, trying to roll over pillows and shit. I can’t get any movements down smoothly. I’m a sitting duck out there.”

When asked to comment, all Knapp had to say was, “Oh, did I win?”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour: