“Says the sweaty old man who’s mad at a magazine because they didn’t put him on the cover of it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“The president of the United States is on Twitter bullying a teenage girl. Just try to imagine any other president doing something like this, huh? Like, imagine F.D.R. doing a fireside chat where he just goes in on Shirley Temple.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Donald Trump has no right to tell anybody to chill, all right? He is the least chill human being of all time. Like, if there’s anyone you wouldn’t want on your meditation app, it’s this guy. Could you imagine him trying? It would be like, ‘Inhale and exhale. Let the air rush into your lungs, like the criminals and rapists swarming across the border coming to take your jobs and kill your parents.” — TREVOR NOAH

“And the fact that Greta Thunberg is a teenager makes this especially insane. I’m old enough to remember a time when everyone at the White House had a full-blown hissy fit because a witness at Trump’s impeachment hearing had the gall to to say the word ‘Barron’ in a completely benign fashion. That time was last Tuesday, by the way.” — JIMMY KIMMEL