The relationship I had with the father of my 3 kids was not a healthy one. In more ways than one. No, he wasn’t abusive but he was selfish, neglectful, and a drug abuser.

Even without the drugs, he had no business being in a relationship. He didn’t want to do any of the work that comes with a partnership. It took me a lot of years to realize it wasn’t just the drugs that made him a poor partner.

It took having our daughter that made me realize that I never want her in a relationship like that one. How could I show her not to settle if I was doing just that? How could I show her that she needed to be treated with respect if I was accepting less than that?

When she was really small I said to her dad,

“Would you want her dating a guy like you?” “Well as long as she was happy.” He said.

But I wasn’t happy. I was just holding on for him to get clean. I was just trying to keep our family together. I was far from happy.

My answer to that question was I would absolutely NOT want my daughter to date a man like her father. I also didn’t want my boys to turn out like their dad.

Ending My Relationship For The Kids

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There were obviously so many reasons to end that relationship. I have to say though, that the thought of my kids watching me put up with their dad’s crap and thinking it was how relationships work was a big reason I ended things.

I didn’t want my boys growing up thinking they could treat people with so much disrespect and still expect them to stick around. I didn’t want my daughter to think that she had to put up with so much nonsense to keep a man.

Frankly, I was a better role model being alone. I could show them how to be strong and how to take care of yourself. I could show them that you don’t need to settle when it comes to choosing a partner.

I could show my daughter she could make it on her own and that having a partner isn’t the be all end all of being a woman.

Being Alone Was Better

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I would have been just fine on my own forever if it had come to that. At least my kids wouldn’t have that negative influence in their lives. It was a sacrifice I was willing to take.

If a man wanted to be a part of my life, he would have to be a role model for my children. He wouldn’t have to be another dad, but he would have to treat me with respect. I would accept nothing less.

My kids were watching and I couldn’t let them see me become a slave to a man’s attention.

If there was going to be another relationship in my future, it would have to be a healthy one. Or nothing at all.

By some stroke of luck, I found that person. We took it very slow. Nothing was rushed. He didn’t meet my kids until months after we had been dating. Him coming to live with us wasn’t discussed until a year had passed.

Modeling A Healthy Relationship

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He was (and still is) very respectful of my wishes. He is gentle, kind, and helpful. He wants the best for us and will do what he has to do to get that.

He is a good listener and is aware of how his actions could impact others. We are both respectful to the other’s moods and work well as a team. We also laugh A LOT.

This is what I wanted my kids to see. I wanted them to see that relationships don’t have to be a one way street. It isn’t always about one person taking care of the other.

It’s both of us taking care of the other for the greater good of the family. It’s us wanting the other person to be happy and doing what we can to help them get that way.