I was never bullied, but I always felt like I was about to be — any second.

I knew I wasn’t like everybody else. All through my school years I never felt like I fit in. I tried. Oh, how I tried. But every single ordinary day just felt kind of surreal and uncomfortable. Most of those days should have just been kind of humdrum, but instead I was always in fight-or-flight mode. No matter what was on the menu, so to speak, I always felt like I was put on the spot and left there for everybody to snicker at. I wasn’t. But it felt that way. I was forever told to “speak up”! I was too quiet, too serious, too adult for my age, too uncomfortable, too bookwormy, too whatever. Don’t get me wrong; I was an A student. Always. But that was probably due to my overall excellence in writing and testing. Not everybody is that lucky, and I hated the entire experience with a passion. Not the “learning” part mind you, just the system.

Wet blanket

Through my boring ways I often ended up being the teacher’s solution to ending chatter and wild behavior in the classroom. Oh, just put the wet blanket right in the middle of the troublemakers and things will fizzle out. She was right. She had found my super power! I could bore people into submission. Honestly, it wasn’t all bad. It could have been, but it wasn’t. I ended up actually making friends with the worst bullies because I just couldn’t be rattled, provoked or challenged into any kind of peer pressured situations. I would just ignore everything, walk away and do my own thing. Where’s the fun in harassing someone like that? But the danger for a lot of introverts or HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons)lies in their lack of conformity. They stand out although they probably try very hard to just disappear into the floor.

Photo by James Sutton on Unsplash

Anthropologist-in-training

Even in early childhood I found my peers “childish”. Their activities often puzzled me. I knew I was supposed to enjoy whatever they were doing and join in, but so much of the time it all just seemed incredibly pointless and stupid. I hated the noise and the absolute chaos of it all. I remember thinking to myself: “Why am I made to endure this? Why can’t I just be allowed to sit in peace and quiet and read a book?” I would find a quieter area and just observe, kind of like an anthropologist would. It was odd. Very odd. I hated that existence to the point of actually running away from kindergarten, which was the weirdest thing I’d ever done in my otherwise super compliant life. It was not that I was scared or bullied or in any conscious way made to feel out of place. But I just couldn’t stand it anymore. The bewilderment and panic overtook me completely and I had to get out of there. No one even noticed and I just quietly walked home. Mom immediately returned me like some kind of escaped convict. I felt so betrayed! Back to watching the screaming maniacs climb the walls in the “playroom”. For what?

As early as first grade I can remember dropping out of any “fun” classroom activities as quickly as I could just to avoid having twenty-five kids staring at me. Games, gym class, competitions, anything that most kids love I thoroughly despised. A lot of the time I would avoid putting my hand up to answer a question. Why? Same reason: too much attention was soooooo uncomfortable. Knowing the answer really had very little to do with it.

Later on this behavior turned into a kind of vetting process in my head to decide ahead of time if any posed question was worthy of my time. Too easy and I would refuse because that was just beneath me. I somehow felt that it would make me seem dumb to take the time to volunteer to answer such silly basics. Too hard and I would refuse because it would take too long to answer and I would risk possible follow-up probing. Oh no no no, thank you very much. In hindsight this behavior must have made me seem a lot dumber than I really was.

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

Paralyzing anxiety

Oral presentations were an absolute terror and completely useless as a learning tool for me. If a class of 25 kids were to present something it would take an entire semester. If I was not one of the first to go, that entire semester would be lost to me, kind of a black void really, because I would spend the entire time in a panic over what was to come, even though perhaps months away. I was oblivious to everybody else’s work. I didn’t see it, hear it or have anything to say about it whatsoever. I learned less than nothing because I was just festering in my own private hell, watching my anxiety grow worse and worse without having any tools or understanding of what exactly was wrong with me.

Socialization is not always the solution

As a society, we expect everyone to want attention and love “show-offy’ kinds of activities. Introverts/HSPs are often looked at with skepticism and labeled weird or worse. We want kids to “socialize” and have tons of interaction with other kids. It is thought of as a necessity for a healthy childhood. You hear it all the time as a put-down of virtual schools. “But they just don’t get the socialization!” But we’re forgetting that little kids can be utterly ruthless, and the sensitive ones lose out in every single category. Bullying, anxiety and stress are not conducive to learning, and forcing people to live in constant fear and anxiety is not only unfair, but also completely counter productive.

They are often picked on (or worse) both at recess and in the classroom. They are put at a huge disadvantage when it comes to learning, because the entire system is built for kids who are in effect their opposites. Just like left-handed kids used to be thought of as somehow defective and forced to use their non-dominant hand, our sensitives and introverts are forced and expected to completely ignore who they are and cater to the majority. I say it’s time to let them flourish in whatever form they are meant to be. A society is not at its best or strongest when everybody is the same. Let it be!

If you are a parent who recognizes a thing or two here, reach out and talk to your child and maybe even brainstorm with him or her to try to come up with solutions. Be open-minded. Introversion and sensitivity are not defects, and learning and comfort are related. Our children need to know that we love them no matter what, and if junior is not thriving, consider changing the environment. It might just be as easy as that.