WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday that one cantaloupe currently for sale in the continental United States contains a check for $10 million. “What’s the only thing better than the sweet, delicious taste of a Dole cantaloupe? One that’s worth 10 million smackaroos, of course!” said company spokesperson Gene Harvey, adding that, as of last night, Dole had slipped the money inside a single “golden cantaloupe,” placed it onto a heavily armored delivery truck, and sent it to a supermarket with a still-unknown location. “Just below that glistening, orange flesh lies not only vitamins and minerals, but also a ticket to brand-new life. And don’t worry—if you’re not the grand prize winner, there are still plenty of other surprises hidden within our fruits, including several $50 checks or a coupon for a free Dole cantaloupe!” At press time, ravenous mobs of shoppers had reportedly stormed several supermarkets, sprinted straight to the produce section, and begun smashing open random melons in the aisles.

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