11 months. That’s how long it has been since I have been home. It seems like this past year has been such a blur, with so many thoughts and emotions. I think about my mission every single day; the people I met, the experiences I had, the incredible blessing it was to me to be able to serve in the best mission for me and my situation. I couldn’t ask for a better mission.

But sometimes, the ‘what if’ question pops in my head. What if I would have stayed? Who else could I have helped? What other experiences would I have been able to be a part of. And thinking like that hurts me. A lot. I mean I don’t mean to brag or sound conceited, but I was a dang good missionary. I put my heart and soul into everything I did, even when my depression and anxiety felt like they were getting the better of me. I know if I would have stayed, I would have been able to continue to be that great missionary, and help the people of Alabama, wherever I served.

And that didn’t happen. 9 months in, I realized that my time was up, and after talking to my mission president and his wife, I hopped onto a plane and was shipped back to California. After the decision was made, I went through the stages of grief. When I first got home, I was mad at myself for letting my emotions get the better of me. It’s hard for me to admit this, but I was mad at Heavenly Father for “taking away” my mission. I felt like I had failed everyone around me, and that I failed Heavenly Father. These emotions just made me more mad, and more frustrated. How could this be happening? I missed everything about Alabama, and I felt like I had just mad the biggest mistake of my life. I regretted coming home, and I regretted not pushing harder.

I have learned over time that sometimes pushing against depression and anxiety is like pushing against a brick wall. You can give it all you’ve got, but eventually you are going to have to take a breather, and figure out another way around it. And that’s what happened. I pushed and pushed while I was in Alabama. Some days I had a good grip while I was pushing. Other days, I was pushing while standing in mud.

There were a lot of really supportive people who welcomed me home with open arms. But I could tell that they didn’t know what to say, or how to act. I mean, how do you? How do you ask someone about their mission in a way that doesn’t bring up the fact that they are home earlier than they intended to be? I put on the best face that I could and tried to be the “returned missionary” that had served for 18 months. But when people would ask, “Wait, you were only in 2 areas? How is that possible?” and I had to answer, “I came home early,” it’s hard to see their reaction, no matter how much they try to hide their confusion or disappointment. It’s hard to see the them mentally try to figure out what to say, or try to figure out why I came home. I know people don’t mean it. But it happens. And it still stings a little.

I would love to say that I have come to terms with coming home. But that would be lying. I am not completely over it. Every time I go out with the sisters and help them teach, I feel the sting of jealousy. When I have friends come home from their mission after serving for 18-24 months, I feel it then as well. I wish that I knew why exactly I came home when I did. I could see how much Heavenly Father helped me during the time that I was in Alabama, and I often wonder why he couldn’t have just helped me for the last part of my mission. I may ponder that question for the rest of my life.

I have thought a lot about why all of this may have happened, because it still stings thinking about being home. The most important reason this may have happened was for me to grow closer to my Savior. He has done so much for me, for all of us, and if I have the opportunity to experience just a little of what He did, then I am grateful and better for it. I couldn’t have made it through this without Him.

Looking back on this past year, I don’t think I would change anything from this experience. This is the path Heavenly Father has had for me all along. I am so grateful that I was able to serve, even if it was only for 9 months. I have been through the refiners fire this year, and I have overcome. I am closer to becoming all that the Lord needs me to become, and when it comes down to it, that’s all that matters.