One of the first book series I can remember choosing for myself and absolutely falling in love with is Artemis Fowl. I was nine years old when I read the first book in the series and it blew my little fucking mind. I had never read a book with a character like Artemis, essentially an evil genius and yet he was the main character. Kids books didn’t do that before. It was “Die Hard with fairies” but the main character was a young Hans Gruber with a more marketable accent. What’s not to love?

Then, a couple weeks ago, I saw the abomination of a trailer for the movie adaptation, due out on streaming later this year. How could they do this?! Was my first thought. Followed by: did they read any of the books? Did they even know there were books? Were they trying to make the blandest, least unique-looking kids movie in history? How much did they have to pay Colin Farrell? Who let Josh Gad out of his cage? While I still hold out some tiny hope that the movie isn’t a travesty on the level of Eragon or The Last Airbender, the trailer gives me little confidence. So, in an attempt to assuage my anxiety while answering my first question (and in no way blatantly ripping off Roger Ebert), I will give you my best guess as to how this movie came to be.

Our tale begins in the far distant past of 2001.

Studio Executive A: Just got off the phone with my buddy over at Warner Bros. and he’s talking about buying a fourth private jet. Harry Potter is going to make them so much money.

Studio Executive B: Four private jets?! That’s ridiculous. Everybody knows you only need three. One for yourself. One for your wife and children. And one to lie about on your taxes.

Executive A: (nodding) That’s what I always liked about you, B. You’re a reasonable man. That’s why I supported your promotion. But the fact is, they’re making fourth-private-jet money over at Warner Bros. and I want some of it. We need our own Harry Potter.

Executive B: Well, my kid’s been going crazy about this book of his lately. I think it’s called Artemis Fowl.

A: Artemis Fowl, huh? I like the name. What’s it about?

B: Well, my son says th–

A: It doesn’t matter.

B: It doesn’t matter?

A: Not at all. Kids will watch anything you put in front of them. I mean, did you see First Kid? Not even Sinbad could make that turd of a script shine and we still made money.

B: Clearly, sir, there is no mind in Hollywood that better understands what the younger generation wants out of their entertainment than you.

A: Indeed. Now we need a director. Larry Guterman has just finished up Cats & Dogs, and I have to tell you, one look at that movie and you know it’s going to be remembered forever. Let’s lock him up.

B: That’s brilliant, A. The performance he got out of Alec Baldwin voicing the hard-ass secret agent dog was so pitch perfect people are going to be talking about it for decades. It’ll be Baldwin’s most famous role, for sure. With that director, we have a surefire hit on our hands.

A: Get to it, man! Lets get this movie made and shoved in front of the children.

2011

A: So that didn’t work.

B: No it didn’t, sir. What happened?

A: It’s impossible to tell, B. Whoever had the idea to hire the Cats & Dogs director is a fucking idiot. That’s all I can tell you.

B: But that was us, wasn–

A: It’s impossible to tell, B. Just impossible to tell. These things happen, after all. It’s no shame to get a movie of yours stuck in development hell.

B: You know, I’ve never really got that term. Doesn’t it just mean we gave up on a property? And isn’t shepherding movies through development and production like the whole point of our jobs? So wouldn’t losing a movie to development hell just mean we suck at our jobs?

A: (warning) These things happen, B. Nothing we can do. Nothing to be ashamed of. (sighs) Although I do miss the bonus we would have gotten. Buddy over at Warner Bros. just bought his third yacht and second private island with all his Harry Potter money. Here I am like some peasant still paying off my fourth private plane.

B: But that’s great to hear, sir. I know how much you wanted fourth-private-jet money.

A: (disgusted) It’s a prop plane, B. It barely even counts.

B: I’m so sorry. That must be hard for you.

A: It is. But we all have our burdens, B. We move on. That’s why I called this meeting. We’re going to try again on Artemis Fowl. I have a new director lined up. Jim Sheridan.

B: The guy who directs serious adult movies starring Daniel Day Lewis like My Left Foot and the 50 Cent biopic and has never ever worked on kids entertainment or fantasy? That’s genius!

A: Your blindly enthusiastic praise speaks well of your intelligence, B. That’s why I kept you by my side these last ten years.

B: Are we going to actually read the books or care about staying true to the spirit of the series this time?

A: Don’t make me take back my compliment, B. Do you think the Harry Potter people gave a shit about the books?

B: …Yes?

A: (scoffs) NO!! Some old woman in France or wherever writes the books. We get the movies made. The two things are completely unrelated.

B: You’re right of course. I apologize I asked such a stupid question.

A: It’s alright for now, B. Just think before you speak next time.

B: Yes sir.

A: Good. Now let’s get this movie made! I want to one-up my friend’s second yacht with a new-construction skyscraper.

2019

A: It’s gonna happen this time.

B: Is it, sir? Our last attempt fell apart so quickly. Are we just bad at our jobs?

A: It’s never the producer’s or executive’s fault, B. That’s a rule. No one thinks to blame us. First the writer gets the blame, then the director, then if it’s really bad an actor might get it. But never us. All we do is hold the money over their heads and have final say on all their creative choices. How could it be our fault?

B: Of course. I’m sorry. I should have remembered that.

A: It’s alright. We’re all getting older here. I mean sometimes I’m so tired I can barely even ski the mountain that I own.

B: The ravages of age, sir.

A: Quite. But it’s going to happen this time. I’m sure of it.

B: Why is that?

A: Disney’s backing us this time. And we got Kenneth Branagh to direct. Those two get movies made. It’s happening.

B: But isn’t Kenneth Branagh someone who used to have artistic integrity but then so clearly sold out almost everything that made him a unique actor and filmmaker that he’s nearly unrecognizable now?

A: Yes!

B: And is Disney really willing to take a chance on a main character that essentially functions as a villain or at least an anti-hero for all of the first book and a lot of the second?

A: No!

B: They’re going to change everything about the story that might have made it stand out from other kid’s movies, aren’t they?

A: Now you’re getting it, B. Almost two decades and you’re finally learning how this business actually works.

B: But isn’t this exactly how we got Percy Jackson so wrong?

A: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

B: But what if we actually did our jobs and read the books and found a director and screenwriters who actually know and care about the source material? What if we tried to make something kids will actually remember and care about for years after? What if we tried to make a good movie?

A: You were doing so well, B. But now you’re just talking crazy. Anyway, I have to go, I have a meeting with my realtor. We’re burning down the Everglades to make room for my 150 acre estate complete with nine hole golf course and four tennis courts. My Warner Bros. buddy already claimed the Muir Woods for his place.

B: Do you ever worry that all this conspicuous consumption so distances us from the everyday concerns of our target audience that we have no idea how to connect to them or what it is they really want out of entertainment? So that we just keep force-feeding them the same bland drivel over and over and wonder why the movie industry makes less money every year?

A: (serious) Any more talk like that, B, and I’ll have to report you to HR. Have to be careful nowadays.

B: Yes, sir. Sorry I got out of line.

A: It’s quite alright, B. Tell you what, I’ll take your mind off all these pointless questions of movie quality and connecting to our audience. Have you ever been Rhino hunting?

B: Can’t say I have.

A: It’s a blast. Now come along.

Artemis Fowl will be released on Disney+ sometime in 2020. I hope someone is excited.