CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him. “This is absolutely great—the extra money is going to help out a lot,” said Lofland, who was reported to be beaming with pride over the 15 percent increase in his salary, which two years from now, company executives will decide would be more effectively allocated to two younger and far less qualified hires. “I’ve been waiting on this for a while, but I’m certainly not going to complain. Drinks are on me tonight!” At press time, Lofland was sending an email expressing his gratitude to the supervisor who will one day explain his severance package.

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