There’s no derogatory label for people who label others. This creates an imbalance in the linguistic arsenal. Example:

Person 1: “If you don’t watch sports, you’re a racist.”

Person 2: “Oh yeah? Well, you’re…a…person who assigns labels that are not sensible!”

See what I mean? It’s like being in a stick fight and not having a stick. But we can fix that by concocting a…wait for it…label for labelers. I suggest that such a person be called a labelass. Example:

Person 1: “If you don’t watch sports, you’re a racist.”

Person 2: “You’re a labelass.”

Person 1: “What just happened here?”

It will take some work to make labelass a real word and imbue it with the king-of-kings argumentative superpower it needs. Let’s start that journey by giving it a proper definition.

Labelass: A special kind of idiot who uses labels as a substitute for comprehension.

We also need a name for people who believes that everyone who has a different point of view has the same opinion as everyone else who also has a different point of view. Example:

Person 1: “I don’t think we should bomb Elbonia just because someone said they have a giant slingshot.”

Person 2: “Typical liberal.”

Let’s call a person who believes there are only two viewpoints for every topic a binarian. And don’t worry that using the word will make you a labelass. A labelass is one who uses a label as a substitute for comprehension. If someone is indeed being a total binarian, the label fits.

Binarian: A special kind of idiot who believes that all people who hold a different view

from oneself have the same views as each other.

And we need a new word for people who misunderstand another person’s point of view and proceed to debate that misunderstanding as if it were the real point of view. I think we should call that person a masturdebator.

Masturdebator: One who takes pleasure in furiously debating viewpoints that only

exist in the imagination.

Example:

Person 1: “It’s clear from your statement about this year’s corn crop that you deny the Holocaust.”

Person 2: “What do you do with the other hand, masturdebator?”