This article is quite personal. I hope it helps those avoid the errors I have made and maybe helps everyone in the world of comics treat each other just a little better. Some names have been removed or adjusted. Those that have been named are done so in good faith and can be removed upon request.

I’m not a saint, I like to think the vast majority of people have nice things to say about me but I know there are some out there that wouldn’t. Some of this is my own doing, some of it not so much. In the last few months I’ve seen a lot of ugly hostility in an industry I adore. Creators and professionals being attacked for standing up for what they think is right, their appearance, their gender or their race. Not too long ago a group of Marvel employees were insulted due to wanting to enjoy a beverage I’m sure the vast majority of us have also enjoyed at one time or another.

It’s a pretty crazy time in the industry and it got me to thinking how I’ve acted to my peers, both those on a similar indie level to me, those on the rise and those at the highest seats in the industry. Working in comics is like working anywhere else, in companies people talk and its easy to get a reputation whether you warrant it or not. Comics is a big industry, its popularity is growing all the time but the people in it are usually quite close. Professionals at Image, Marvel and DC seem to talk to one another regularly, there is perhaps a friendly professional rivalry but there is no bitterness in general between the three major companies. Often creators at one company will go out of their way to compliment a book or creator that is coming from their competition. I think this is because ultimately, we all love comics, we all want to read good comics and there shouldn’t be any issue in a Marvel writer saying they loved the latest issue of Batman or a DC writer saying they love the new Fantastic Four title or any variation their upon.

Because creators do seem to be friendly towards each other, they talk frequently and in a specialist industry like comics, I’m sure there are people who say ‘this person is great’ or ‘that person is trouble’. Much like pro wrestling, another big industry with a close nit community having a good or bad reputation can influence your career and who will work with you.

I’ve been trying to break into comics for over ten years. Some people would say I’ve have a bit of success while I would say I’ve not moved much further than the ‘GO’ on the monopoly board of the industry. I’ve been featured in annuals, one shots, mini’s, had a lot of very nice reviews and even had some pro’s go ‘hey kid, you’re okay!’ all of which has meant the world to me. However, often I have felt unsatisfied, craving more and often resenting the success of others. At times I’ve gone through borderline obsession, acted poorly, fallen apart, quit the industry forever, made friends for life, been betrayed, been robbed, been let down and let down others in turn.

The majority of my most prominent work has come from two companies, both of which I had poor break ups with. One is only seemingly in existence in name only and the other has been a hurricane of differing stories, tales and discussion over the last month. One of these break ups was the result of a slow but steady push while the other was a rather abrupt shove. Both were my choice but I think they would have happened eventually both through to how one was affecting my mental health and the decisions the other was making I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. I liked people in both companies, some of whom I consider close friends and great creators while others…well we’re not exchanging Christmas cards.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, likely caused by a troubling childhood I won’t bore you with. For 28 years I lived in a nightmare reality where every shadow was the enemy, thoughts of conspiracy, paranoia and that no one liked me really were common, enjoyment came in the form of fiction not in reality and very view people could pierce through that veil I lived in.

I started taking medication and within a month I felt like I had woken up from said nightmare. People did like me, I did have talent but perhaps poor fortune, life could be enjoyable and overall I’m a better more happier person that doesn’t put so much onus on themselves. I still slip up occasionally but I’m much better than I used to be. I don’t worry about things as much, I can enjoy my life as is and if comics aren’t working right now, I can console myself by thinking well that doesn’t mean they won’t ever will.

My behavior in the past though when I wasn’t well…has been less than stellar. I want to own up to that in some ways because even though I’m sure most people in the industry would be like ‘who?’ when they hear my name I want more people to say good things than not. Maybe it shouldn’t matter but with so many people using social media and the internet to attack each other, maybe I can use it as a force for good and to make amends.

I think its important to know when you’ve been in the wrong. Nobody is right all the time, especially me but if you act like a dick trying to be right its good form (I feel) to apologize and try to move on. The other party doesn’t have to accept your apology, that’s their prerogative and their right. I know I can be bitter as hell towards some people who have mistreated me in the past. I can’t help it, it’s a flaw of mine that I have a very good memory and that I can’t forgive people who more than likely have forgot I have existed after treating me poor, stealing money from me or taken advantage of me.

However, I’m no saint and I have done wrong. When I was a part of one of the companies I alluded to earlier I was an editor (a job I had no experience in but I think I performed in competently enough). Being an editor meant staff e-mails which were…something to behold. The company wanted to release an anti-bullying comic in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting many years back, something I loved the idea of but while there was a message of treating others fairly and not being a bully, in those company e-mails it was a different story. Creators both writers and artists would be insulted or demeaned, including those I consider close friends. I don’t recall ever participating in what was said but I feel in retrospect I should have said something about it at the time. I was afraid to because I didn’t want to become the target of said insults and I didn’t want to feel excluded either. I was on the ‘in’ for the first time after being the one who was being talked about or sneered about I was the person who was with those who did the insulting. I was safe, I was with the ‘cool kids’. Then I would see e-mail chains with the people that were being insulted and the story was different, it was something to behold the same people treat individuals two different ways. I had a brief unsettling thought ‘if they’ll say x about y behind their back…are they doing the same to me?’ I dismissed the thought, wanting to live in ignorance even though I later found out that was the case. It was a toxic environment I was devastated to be apart from when I ended. I was like an addict who didn’t want to stop taking the drug that was bad for them. I’ve been apart from these negative people for four or five years now and I never regret it. I still often think about how I should have come to my friend’s defense at the time though and for that I’m very sorry.

Some years ago, an artist named Pau Vassileva was someone I wanted to work with. I can’t remember if I wanted her to be among the many artists Living With Death has had or it was when I was seeking a replacement for Sparks. She’s very talented and wanted to do a formal contract which I reacted poorly with. An individual (one of the negative people alluded to previously) who had stolen quite a bit of money from me liked their contracts. Ultimately I heard from several people (including myself) that these contracts were seemingly not honoured. The thought of someone doing the same thing to me had me react poorly towards Pau who I wish I had gotten the chance to work with and am now too embarrassed to ask. This was years ago and I’m sure Pau (who I remained friends with on Facebook) doesn’t remember but its still something I regret when I see her lovely art and I wanted to share that.

Finally there is one other person I did wrong by in comics and its probably my biggest regret as a creator. More so than not being able to make Living With Death work or Sparks being slow to get out or any of the other poor projects of mine that didn’t get to see the light of day its not a project I regret the most, its how I treated an artist and a friend in Kell Smith. For those that don’t know, Kell was the artist on my crime one shot Sparks which was released through one of the companies I’ve alluded to above before being rereleased through Nemeses Studios a few years ago. A painter and a penciled, Kell had delivered some fantastic covers and strong interiors for a few anthologies and I was fortunate enough to work with her on a horror story that centered around my detest for flying. Following a complicate series of events (some of them unfortunate), Kell became the artist on Sparks. We grew close, would talk about long term plans for the crime series and a new project involving time travel I was very excited about.

Mostly, Kell was a dream to work with but there was two things I found hard to deal with. Firstly, she didn’t consider herself a co-creator on Sparks and didn’t want to be labeled as such. Now, I had created the concept of the crime series in my teens but it was Kell who finally brought the characters to life. All other artists who have drawn them are using Kell’s models and Sparks would not have happened without her. I’m very passionate about equal credit in comics but it didn’t seem like something she was interested in which I found odd. She also would disappear for long periods of time with no update on her work which in my obsessed phase of wanting comics to happen found frustrating. Finally when she completed the work on the Sparks follow up I sent her a very blunt and unkind e-mail about the work she had produced. I felt the pages lacked the quality of her usual standard and would need some serious retooling and I acted more like her boss than her co-creator or more importantly, her friend. We haven’t spoken since.

I found a new artist to draw Sparks: The Way I Was, another female artist in Katie Fleming who has benefitted from my much more sane and balanced perspective in regards to making comics. I often think about how I treated Kell with feelings of sadness and regret, I sent her an e-mail recently to the only e-mail I had of hers expressing my regret and offering an apology. I hope her talent had found someone who appreciates it more than I did at the time.

I don’t like to think I’m a bad person and one of the things I’ve come to terms with while dealing with my own issues is that sometimes good people do bad things. Comics is a small community and I’d like to think mostly people that know me would say positive things…or not know who the heck I am.

I don’t think we should or can always get along together, human beings are an opinionated and stubborn group. Conflict is in our DNA but I think that we benefit these days from the tools we have given to us to find more people that agree than disagree with us. You can find some people to have healthy and rewarding discussions with in regards to differing opinions but lately I see a lot of people yelling at each other. There is little talking WITH each other and a lot of talking AT each other and I think regularly ‘who has the time?’ Social media is a wonderful tool that lets us meet likeminded people but also offers us a protection against those that disagree with us to such a level we can simply block them. No one deserves to be mistreated for who they are, why they love or what they believe both in real life and online. Everyone has a right to simply enjoy themselves and what they enjoy, if you meet someone that disagrees with your or your views and it leads to hurt feelings or bullying then life’s too short. Ignoring them and moving on is the best bet because remember, if you have someone that’s consistently unpleasant then word will travel fast in the small community that comics is.

Be polite, be understanding but don’t feel like you have to put up with anyone’s insults either. Don’t make the mistakes I have and treat everyone as fairly as you can, know who your friends are and remember something I wish I had realized a long time ago.

Comics are fun. They’re there for our entertainment. Maybe if we all remembered that now and then, there wouldn’t be so much yelling into the abyss that I see in an industry I adore. Treat the industry well, it’ll be around longer than you and can have a long memory.

Previous installment in the Breaking in with Break the Fourth series can be found here.