



The Week’s Most Pathetic, Splenetic, and Phrenetic Headlines

HILLARY CLINTON: STILL NOT SICK

In order to silence the endlessly paranoid conspiracy theories spawned like demon seedlings from the right-wing fever swamps that have been insisting without any evidence that Hillary Clinton may be ill, the Democratic presidential candidate took the stage in Cleveland on Labor Day and proceeded to hack out her lungs for four straight minutes. But only a bigot would insist she’s physically ill, because it’s obvious to anyone who’s half-sane that she was merely delivering green alien eggs through her mouth.

On Friday night at an LGBT fundraiser where mega-yenta Barbra Streisand performed, Hillary stopped coughing long enough to claim that roughly half of Donald Trump’s supporters could be lumped together in a “basket of deplorables“:

You know, to just be grossly generalistic [sic], you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the ‘basket of deplorables’. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic”you name it.

She forgot to name the people who hate closeted muff-divers and open rape-enablers and serial liars and charmless sociopaths willing to murder anyone who gets in the way of their ego and the globalist financiers who are their puppet-masters. If we”re going to be inclusive, let’s not forget those people, either.

TAMPONS IN THE MEN’S ROOM

In case you”ve been living under a rock, this is 2016, and anyone who doesn”t realize that men menstruate is clearly insane. After all, what are the first three letters of “menstruate?”

“Apparently an Italy without Italians is not an urgent problem.”

Hoping to dispel the clouds of ignorance that clog the tiny minds of those in flyover country, Brown University has launched a campaign to supply all nonresidential bathrooms on campus with menstrual products. According to student body president Viet Nguyen:

We wanted to set a tone of trans-inclusivity and not forget that they”re an important part of the population. I”d be naÃ¯ve to say there won”t be pushback. I”ve had questions about why we”re implementing this in male bathrooms as well. It’s an initial confusion, but people generally understand when we explain it.

Thanks for attempting to transplain it to us rubes and yahoos, Viet. But we still don”t understand. Not even generally.The trans-jihadists, who are probably the most insane and rage-filled identity contingent currently in existence, erupted in furor at a recent trending Twitter hashtag known as #IfMenHadPeriods. The tag was started by feminists as a way to suggest that men would be even more psychotic and irrational than women if they menstruated. According to a Twitter user of indeterminate genitalia who refers to him/her/itself as Common Trans Boy“:

#IfMenHadPeriods is trending and I’m pissed off because I’m a man currently on my period and I feel like murdering everyone

Nice way to prove to a bigoted world that you”re not delusional and unstable, Common Trans Boy.

A COLLEGE DEGREE IN “SOCIAL JUSTICE”

The University of Iowa has announced that starting next year it will offer a bachelor’s program in “social justice,” a term that is unquantifiable and has absolutely no meaning. Starting in 2021, expect your Starbucks barista to greet you with a warm, “Hello, my name is Jessica, and I have a BA in Social Justice, which has indebted my parents to the tune of $100,000. What sort of coffee would you like today?”

QUEER TRAFFIC LIGHTS IN LONDON

Londoners near Trafalgar Square were bemused, confused, and mentally abused recently at the sight of pairs of green same-sex symbols on their traffic lights where once was either a “walk” sign or a single “green man.” Across fifty or so traffic lights, the lone green man has been replaced variously by two green men, two green women holding hands, two male symbols, two female symbols, or the eternally annoying transgender symbol.

When the gay lights were installed in June, London’s Muslim Mayor Sadiq Khan said: “I am very proud of our LGBT community here and I am looking forward to working closely with them.” We agree with Mayor Khan”putting the genitals of someone of your own gender in your mouth is an achievement rather than a sex act, and thus it is a matter of pride rather than a matter of privacy.