As for incoming transfers, well, until we collectively decide on big money marquee splurges (personally hoping we get to spunk £180 million up the proverbial wall bringing both Allan Saint-Maximin and Adama Traore to the Parc Des Princes to play on opposite wings and continuously run the ball out of play whilst Icardi and Mbappe impatiently wait for accurate crosses that are just never, ever, going to come), I had some ideas for budget squad filler. Yeah, I had some ideas.

They are, in no particular order:

- The greatest left peg in the history of football (@ me Laurent Robert stans), available for just £1.5k per week

- Whatever on earth is left of Yaya Toure, fresh off the back of a second division title in China with Qingdao Huanghain, and now ours for just £1.6k per week

- And Alan Hutton. Who is Alan Hutton.

Mile Jedinak and Mile Jedinak's big, erotic lumberjack energy were also in the mix until he demanded £41k per week to sit on the bench and occasionally scald Neymar which, yeah, fair enough, that would help, but I can get Alan Hutton to hang him up on a peg in the dressing room, via his Calvin Kleins, for a fraction of the price, so... what's the point? Have to be fiscally responsible here, you know.

Which brings us neatly to the last item for the day. Tactics. The field in which Tim Sherwood, I mean Tactics Tim, made his name. I, no, he has been hard at work during the first week of self-isolation with a marker pen (couldn't find a dry-wipe, the little board he uses to do the family bins rota is now completely fucked) and his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth drawing up formations with which to do the unthinkable. To go to Mustard FC away and stuff them 8-0 with a team of joyless mercenaries paid bonuses to clap their own fans by the wealthiest state in the entire world. My name is Tim Tactics, manager of managers: Look on my works, Miguel Delaney, and despair!

Here are our four options, trusted assmen and asswomen:

Option 1: Park the Yacht

Essentially we turn a squad of players worth as much as a planet into a slightly better version of Crystal Palace. Please do not vote for this.

Option 2: The Reverse Christmas Tree

Tim has no idea if this will work (it obviously won't work) but he thinks it looks interesting. And I have to say, I'm in full agreement. It does look interesting.

Option 3: Pretentious Nonsense

A sweeper? Check. A segundo volante? Whatever that is? Check. Asymmetric? Oh god, check. Every Football Manager newbie's wet dream until they get spanked 5-0 in their opening game and revert to a simple 4-4-2 to keep their job. I may or may not have earmarked that libero slot for Yaya or Alan. It's a straight shoot-out.

Option 4: The Trebuchet

We pump the ball down the wings (ideally to the Gucci Headband Twitter King and Football's Answer to Popeye) and then, consequently, pump it into the box. Ideally to Andy Carroll or another titanium-foreheaded Golem. Imagine Sam Allardyce's Bolton Wanderers except instead of Kevin Davies and Kevin Nolan, the Kevins, we have any two of the following 6 foot 7 monsters flicking on long throw-ins until their skulls explode:

The poll will be up shortly so get voting, with the (likely appalling) friendly results of the chosen tactic to follow in Episode 2, once I have eaten my own bodyweight in tiger bread. Not because of the lockdown. I just really like tiger bread. I've been doing this for months.

@kylepicknell