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Responding to a national analysis by U.S. News & World Report that ranks Louisiana dead last for the third straight year in quality-of-life measures, Governor John Bel Edwards today said the findings present a one-sided, inaccurate view and that citizens should be extremely proud of the achievement.

“We’ve been the absolute BEST worst state for a while now, by far. With this threepeat, we’re a dynasty. I think Louisiana is now up right there with the [New England] Patriots and [Golden State] Warriors in dominance. To me that’s really saying something you can hang your hat or coat on,” Edwards said as he excitedly pointed his office’s life-size unicorn hat rack, insisting Neutral Ground News editor Don Kiebels use it.

U.S. News & World Report released its third annual “Best States” ranking which looked at health care, education, infrastructure, crime, and other quality-of-life measures to come up with a list that puts Louisiana at what it calls the “bottom.” The feature was launched in 2017 to provide insight into which states people should run like hell from in specific areas of interest.

“If you’re in outer space, then top, bottom, up, and down are all arbitrary terms that mean absolutely nothing. The only thing that matters are the bookends that hold it all together, and Louisiana is one of only two states, out of 50 I remind you, to have this great distinction. The people of Louisiana deserve the best, and I think, between [former] Governor Jindal and I, this recognition proves we’ve absolutely delivered. They create case studies on this kind of stuff.”

In addition to coming in 50th overall each and every single damn time the report has been released, Louisiana this year also ranked 50th compared to all others in individual analyses on crime, opportunity, and the environment. Other categories scored included the state’s economy (49th), education (48th), fiscal stability (43rd), health care (45th), infrastructure (48th), uggos (9th), scent (47th), and vaping (14th).

In a role reversal, two different publications have New Orleans headed in the opposite direction in at least two categories: employment opportunities for criminals and most romantic city to contract a disease.

Following the U.S. News & World Report analysis, Edwards announced a new public relations initiative for Louisiana to promote the positive image for residents of the state. Enlisting the help of rapper Drake, Louisiana’s “Started from the Bottom, and We Still Here” campaign aims to focus on the state government’s storied journey from rags to more rags.

“When it comes to poorly run states we’re last name ‘Ever,’ first name ‘Greatest,'” Edwards said.

Documents obtained by Neutral Ground News show that Louisiana taxpayers will pay Drake $2.3 billion for the song’s copyright.