OPINION

I wrote my truth, held my breath and waited. I now care about lots more things than I used to, and I've finally embraced my Asian-American identity.

Kurt Bardella | Opinion columnist

One year ago, I published a column in USA TODAY announcing my decision to leave the Republican Party and become a Democrat.

My first year as a Democrat has given me an appreciation of the gulf between the world views of Republicans and Democrats. Even how we digest and process information is so different. In the decade I spent working in Republican politics here in Washington, I don’t think I ever heard climate change come up as a serious topic of social conversation.

Shocking as it may be to learn, Republicans do not sit around and talk about the environment. As a Democrat, I feel like this topic is a consistent focal point of social conversations. In fact, I’ve found the same thing to be true about gun-law reform, racial inequality, social injustice and sexism. As a Republican, I just never talked about these things, but as a Democrat, I talk about them all the time.

I’ll tell you, being a Democrat is a heck of a lot more emotionally exhausting than being a Republican was, because I care about a lot more things than I used to. There must be some wisdom in the old saying that “ignorance is bliss.” It’s funny, because I remember as a Republican, we would often mock “bleeding-heart liberals” who are always “caring” so much. I think to myself now, what the hell is wrong with these Republicans who don’t seem to care about anything at all?

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On a personal level, one of the biggest changes for me has been how I view issues of race. I’ve spent the bulk of my life avoiding race. My first name is German, my last name is Italian and I was born in Seoul, South Korea — I’m adopted. I grew up in a very rough part of upstate New York where I was taunted and at times beat up by kids because I was (and looked) different. On some level, I was conditioned through this treatment to believe that being different was a bad thing and so I avoided it.

I’ve spent the bulk of my life rejecting my Asian-American heritage. Quite frankly, as a Republican, this was very easy to do. The Republican Party’s attitude toward anyone who isn’t white speaks for itself. Why would I want to even pursue an association as a “minority” in a political party that spouts hateful rhetoric about minorities and pushes policies that discriminate against anyone who isn’t white? It was a pretty cowardly attitude considering how many have been brave enough to take a stand and fight for minority rights and confront social injustice.

But once I stepped away from the Republican Party, its efforts to promote racism through rhetoric and policies offended me on a very personal level. I began engaging in these issues and exploring what it means to be a minority in America. One of my favorite moments of this year was participating in a panel at Politi-con called “Crazy Political Asians.” At one point, the moderator, MSNBC’s Richard Lui, asked our panel what year each of us owned up to being a member of the Asian-American Pacific Islander community. Most people gave answers like kindergarten or middle school. My response was “2018.” It may seem like a small thing, but saying this in public for the first time was a big deal for me.

For 2 years I felt like a fraud as a Republican

When I made the decision to announce in such a public way that I was leaving the Republican Party to join the Democrats, I remember going through a whirlwind of emotions: nervousness, anxiety, fear, uncertainty and relief as I prepared to publish my column last December.

Nervousness over how my very pointed words would be received. I mean here I was, a lifelong Republican, declaring that this party is not one “trustworthy enough to protect innocent children from sexual predators.” Anxiety over the decision to leave behind my entire professional identity and basically start completely over in my mid-thirties. Taking more than a decade’s worth of professional relationships and networking and effectively flushing them all down the toilet.

Fear and uncertainty over what this would mean for my own livelihood going forward. Since virtually all my experience was working in Republican politics, how on earth would I financially survive going forward and with practically zero relationships in my new party? I had no idea what the next year of my life would look like and at 34 years old, that was an incredibly unnerving reality.

Relief that I was finally able to speak my truth. For the better part of two years, I had felt like a fraud still calling myself a “Republican.” I guess on some level, I had hoped that the cancer that is Trumpism would be isolated to a smaller segment of the Republican Party. Instead, it spread to infect the entire GOP with so-called “leaders” like House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell becoming the biggest enablers and defenders of Trump’s unique brand of toxicity.

Their refusal to forge a different identity within the Republican Party divorced from Trumpism forced me to confront a reality I had tried to avoid — that there really was no virtue in trying to be a sane voice within the GOP, and it was time to embrace a different way.

It's never too late to find your voice and use it

And so, I wrote my truth, held my breath, and waited to see what reaction, if any, my words would receive. The response blew me away.

Actor Richard Schiff of "West Wing" and "The Good Doctor" shared my piece on social media with the message, “welcome to the other side!” Mary McCormack, another "West Wing" alum, tweeted, “How cool is @kurtbardella? Welcome and thank you." Former Housing and Urban Development secretary and likely presidential candidate Julian Castro tweeted, “Excellent column. Lots of folks leaving the Republican Party these days…” Perhaps the most meaningful message came from Ron Klain, former chief of staff for vice presidents Joe Biden and Al Gore: "Kurt was a foe many years ago, he’s become a friend more recently — and all Democrats should be thrilled to have him as an ally.”

Social media can often be full of vitriol, harshness, and negativity. But these small words of encouragement would mean so much to me. More than anything, I felt liberated and empowered. With no masters to serve, I was truly free to say whatever I wanted. I spent so many years speaking for other people and parroting talking points that I had never truly experienced what it was like to speak for myself. In the year since I became a public Democrat, I’ve published more than 90 columns, many of them here at USA Today, about issues and topics that I am passionate about like gun-law reforms, race relations, gender equality, free speech, free press, and the state of our political system.

In making this change, I have found my own voice and, much to my shock, people have listened. It is no exaggeration to say that 2019 is shaping up to be one of the most tumultuous years in our nation’s history. If there’s one lesson I want to share, it's that it is never too late, and there’s not a more important time, to find your voice and to use it.