“I figured, as long as we got old Doris here, we’d use her,” said Dave, slapping the side of the van in question at a press conference held at the Wawa off Main Street in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. The singer then yanked open the side door of the van dramatically, revealing that its back compartment was filled to the ceiling with rolls of toilet paper.

The news came on the heels of the band rescheduling their April/May van tour to this October. According to Dave, the band had already paid a non-refundable deposit on the van in question, and, since they were stuck with the vehicle, only one sensible recourse came to mind.

A recurring theme of the COVID-19 quarantine has been toilet paper, with stores worldwide suffering shortages of papers goods as individuals hoard them in fear of an apocalyptic scenario. Now, Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl has decided to do his part, announcing this morning that he intends to deliver toilet paper to every single American household.

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“Check it out,” said Dave, pausing momentarily to take a slug from an Extra Gold tall-boy and belch dramatically. “I’m going to play quarantine Santa Claus. I figure me, Taylor [Hawkins, drummer], and Jack [Black, singer/guitarist of Tenacious D] can pile in up front and help America out. Taylor’s on navigation, and Jack’s packing bowls.”

“It just seems like a bummer that some people are gonna go through all of this with a crusty ass, you know?” added Dave with a shake of his head before lightly kicking the back right tire of the van. “Look at that, though. Needs air.”

When contacted about their involvement in this campaign, representatives of Jack Black said that this was the first they’d heard about Dave’s plans, but that Jack had told them he’d be “mega-down” if Dave would “shoot him a text when he’s fifteen minutes out from the house so that [Jack] has time to toss some Carhartts on.” Taylor Hawkins merely responded with a ‘hang ten’ hand motion and a high-pitched ‘zwip’ noise.

Many have questioned Dave’s ability to bring a roll of toilet paper to every single one of America’s approximately 128 million families, referencing his ill-fated presidential bid for 2020 as proof that he has bitten off more than he can chew. In response, Grohl crinkled up his nose, waved a hand, and replied, “Nah nah nah.”

“It ain’t like that,” said Dave. “Running for prez was one thing, and hey, if Flea’d had time to be my VP, I’d be down. But at the end of the day, though, I know that was a bit of a trek, even for me. But delivering a roll of shit-wipe to every single American? Totally doable. Just give me a couple of days.”

Upon dismissing the conference, the Foo Fighters singer loudly asked the gathered press if they could break a dollar for the air pump.

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