XVI

The Jacob Family Sexploits

(Genesis 29 & 30)

These chapters are absolutely X-rated.

Jacob, having been sent away to his Uncle Laban in order to find a wife and avoid being justifiably homicided by his brother, arrives at his destination, where he immediately begins to make a know-it-all nuisance of himself. While he’s busy telling professional shepherds how to herd sheep, his cousin Rachel arrives with another flock. It’s lust-at-first-sight for him. He proves his manly-manliness by rolling away the stone covering the well, waters the sheep, and then grabs Rachel and kisses her without so much as an “if you please!” He then bursts into tears and tells her they’re cousins, as one does after manhandling a nubile young stranger (Gen. 29:1-12).

Laban has no problem with his nephew macking on his daughter. He lets Jacob come live with him, and eventually they negotiate wages: Jacob will work seven years in exchange for Rachel. He could’ve asked for her older sister Leah, who has really pretty eyes, but decides Rachel’s the most gorgeous. Laban says he’s fine with that arrangement (Gen. 29:13-19).

Jacob’s so lovestruck that seven years just fly right by. We’re not told if Rachel’s just as excited, or if she spends the next seven years hoping she’ll die of some merciful disease rather than having to marry this brother-cheating douchecanoe. Of course, no one cares what the property thinks (Gen. 29:20).

The instant his seven years are done, Jacob demands his piece of ass. He wants to get right to the screwing. Laban makes the horny bastard wait while he throws a huge party. Once it’s dark (and, one suspects, Jacob is thoroughly sloshed), he pulls a sister-swap and brings Leah for Jacob to fuck instead. Jacob doesn’t even notice he’s got the wrong girl: he takes her and thrusts lustily away. Again, we’re not told how Leah feels about all of this. One suspects being rogered by a dude who’s shouting your sister’s name isn’t the most awesome way to lose your virginity. It must be especially embarrassing the next morning, when he sobers up, takes a look at you in the early morning light, and instantly runs screaming to your father: “Dude, what the fuck, man? I wanted Rachel!” (Gen. 29:21-25)

Laban, being as much of a double-dealing con artist as Jacob, tells him them’s the breaks, kid. “In our country, we don’t give away the younger sister first. But I’ll make you a deal. You keep Leah for a week, then you can have Rachel, too – but you gotta work for me for another seven years.” (Gen. 29:26-27)

This works out about as well as you’d expect. Jacob spends the week with Leah as he must, but he can’t wait to bury himself balls-deep in Rachel. Once he does, of course, he loves her way more than Leah. But he keeps fucking both sisters (Gen. 29:28-30).

God gives Leah a slight consolation prize for her loveless marriage by making Rachel barren, while Leah’s allowed to push out sons like a deluxe baby factory. She figures the first one will make her husband love her, but he just keeps duty-fucking her while slavering over her sister. She pops out another boy, and her husband’s still a gigantic shit. She figures the third son’s the charm, but Jacob remains a total asshole. After the fourth son and no love, she gives up, praises the Lord, and closes her legs (Gen. 29:31-35).

Oh, Leah. All the feels, kiddo.

In the meantime, Rachel’s been getting the lovings and the fun sexy times, but you know a woman’s worth is measured in how many sons she’s able to squirt from her lady parts, so she’s watching her sister pump out males like a boss and getting more and more jealous with each birth. That’s really gotta do wonders for the family atmosphere. Great plan, God. Rachel finally tells Jacob to give her babies or she’ll die, which pisses Jacob completely off. “I’m not God!” he yells. “I’m not the one keeping you from getting pregnant!” (Gen. 30:1-2)

Rachel then has a brainwave: “Hey, honey, fuck my slave Bilhah, here: she can have kids for me!” (Gen. 30:3)

Jacob apparently thinks this is a fine idea. They have a threesome, the slave squeezes out a son, and Rachel thinks this means she’s got God on her side. She has Jacob do another orgy, and her slave has another son. Rachel figures she’s done such an amazing job figuring out how to beat her sister at this baby game that her slave’s two sons are worth even more than Leah’s four. She’s all, “Ha, ha, bitch, I win!” (Gen. 4-8)

Well, Leah’s having none of this. She discovers she’s now barren, but she’s got a slave, too. She convinces Jacob to have a threesome with them. Of course, the slave girl squirts out a son, and Leah’s thrilled at her good luck. They all three do it again, and end up with another slave-born son, which thrills Leah to bits. This seems like the first time she’s ever been happy in this wretched marriage, mostly because all of the other women will call her happy for having all these kids. Too bad her happiness comes at the expense of her slave. The poor wretch doesn’t even get to name the kids she bears for her masters (Gen. 30:9-12).

For those keeping score at home, the tally is currently:

Well, Team Leah so handily winning this baby-making battle apparently pisses Rachel off, so she tells Jacob to stop sleeping with both Leah and Zilpah. Fortunately for Leah’s sex life, it isn’t long before her son Reuben comes home with a bunch of mandrakes for Mom. Rachel asks for some, and wants them so bad she even remembers to say please. Leah’s all, “No way. You took away my husband, and as if that’s not bad enough, you’re trying to get my son’s mandrakes, too? Hells to the no!” (Gen. 30:14-15)

You go, Leah!

Rachel’s desperate enough for those mandrakes to pimp out her husband, so Leah trades them for a night of passionless sex. I wish the Bible had described the expression on Jacob’s face when Leah greeted him with, “You’re sleeping with me tonight, cuz I bought your ass.” (Gen. 30:15-16)

Of course, she’s not doing this for sex, but another son to rub in her sister’s face, and God’s happy to help since Leah was so generous with her slave, so she gives birth to a fifth son. Jacob apparently decides Leah’s worth fucking a few more times gratis, because she has yet another son, then a daughter. The poor woman thinks her husband will finally honor her now that she’s pumped out so many boys for him (Gen. 30:17-21).

God finally remembers that Rachel’s a member of this nice nuclear family, which is the traditional one man, two wives, and two slaves. Rachel’s at last able to squirt out a son of her own, and is just thrilled to bits, saying, “Please, God, may I have another?” God doesn’t give her one right then, but she’ll eventually give birth to a second (and last) boy (Gen. 30:22-24).

Final tally (including Leah’s daughter):

Go, Team Leah-Zilpah!

To sum up, over a chapter and a half, we’ve had: women traded for labor; a dad swapping sisters so Jacob would fuck the wrong one; polygamy; two sisters having a baby arms race; two slaves used as brood-mares; multiple rapes of said slaves; hate-fucking; husband-prostituting; and God enabling all of the above.

Yes, I can see this is a wholesome book, chock full of shining moral examples for the kiddies. And the same people who assure me that the above scenes are definitely not filth and pornography are the same ones who cover their kids’ eyes every time it looks like adorable young lovers in a wholesome movie may give each other a chaste peck on the lips, and decry the terrible smut on prime time television.

Excuse me. I seem to have a lot of shrapnel from an exploded irony meter lodged in my skull. I must go have it removed while I’m still numb from shock.

Copyright © 2015 by Dana Hunter. All rights reserved.

Really Terrible Bible Stories vol. I: Genesis is now available at Amazon! Worldwide, even! To order outside the United States, visit your country’s Amazon website and search for “Really Terrible Bible Stories” by Dana Hunter. Thanks for reading!

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