PCUSA Reaffirms Inclusive Stance Toward Everyone With Exact Same Beliefs As PCUSA

PRINCETON, NJ—The Presbyterian Church (USA) issued a statement Thursday reaffirming its inclusive stance toward everyone who holds the exact same beliefs that they do.

Hundreds of PCUSA leaders signed the document affirming their progressive, forward-thinking tolerance for everyone except those who disagree with them at all.

“As a denomination, we just want to reiterate our sincere desire to extend a warm embrace to people of all backgrounds, as long as they don’t disagree with us on any single issue,” Rev. Craig Barnes said on behalf of the group, speaking to church leaders gathered at Princeton Theological Seminary. “We are totally committed to being accepting, loving, and never condemning—unless you’re a filthy, toxic traditionalist. Then all bets are off.”

“I mean, come on, it’s 2017, idiots,” Barnes added.

At publishing time, the denomination had agreed to posthumously denounce and honorarily excommunicate several “backwards-minded” Reformed and Presbyterian thinkers, beginning with Abraham Kuyper.

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