If you had come to doubt Boris Johnson’s competence as Foreign Secretary, you must be feeling a proper Charlie now.

I know I am.

I am not about to make excuses. Sometimes, you have to take the shame. But somehow I got bamboozled into confusing Boris’s diplomatic masterstrokes – joking about Libya’s tourist potential once the streets are cleansed of the corpses; risking a British woman’s freedom with false claims about the purpose of her visit to Iran; reciting a colonialist Kipling poem and mocking Buddha in a Myanmar temple; that sort of caper – with monumental unforced errors. The kind of howlers that would ordinarily disqualify someone, for life, from the lowest rung of the Toytown government.

What a relief, then, to find out that Boris is doing a bang-up job after all. We know this because Michael Gove said on Sunday on The Andrew Marr Show that “Boris is doing a great job as Foreign Secretary”, and no one speaks with more authority on the matter than him.

UK news in pictures Show all 50 1 /50 UK news in pictures UK news in pictures 18 September 2020 A model presents a creation during the Bora Aksu catwalk show at London Fashion Week 2020 Reuters UK news in pictures 17 September 2020 World kickboxing champion Carl Thomas during his attempt to run a marathon while pulling a plane at Elvington Airfield near York. 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The first known spire was completed in 1297 PA UK news in pictures 26 August Giant waves at Seaham in County Durham, as the bad weather continues PA UK news in pictures 25 August An assistant at the Wallace Monument cleans the case which houses the William Wallace sword in the Hall of Arms room at the monument near Stirling as they prepare to re-open PA UK news in pictures 24 August Restored World War Two landing craft LCT 7074 is transported from from the Naval Base in Portsmouth to its final resting place at the D-Day Story at Southsea PA UK news in pictures 23 August Jenny Nguyen and Tony Cao, from Vietnam, pose for wedding photos on Tower Bridge in London, as it remains closed to vehicles after it was stuck open on Saturday due to a "mechanical fault". The landmark's Twitter account confirmed only pedestrians and cyclists could use it on Sunday morning PA UK news in pictures 22 August England's Zak Crawley hit 267, joining the exclusive Double Hundred club, on day two of the Third Test match against Pakistan at the Ageas Bowl, Southampton PA UK news in pictures 21 August Harri Teale gathers lavender during the annual harvest on the Wolds Way Lavender farm near Malton in North Yorkshire PA UK news in pictures 20 August Parents and a student react after checking GCSE results at Ark Academy in London Reuters UK news in pictures 19 August Tate Modern workers hold a strike outside the gallery in London, to protest the institution's announcement that it would cut more than 300 jobs from its commercial arm, Tate Enterprises PA UK news in pictures 18 August Two rescued brown bear cubs, Mish (left) and Lucy, cool off in a pool after arriving at their new home with the wildlife conservation charity Wildwood Trust in Herne Bay, Kent. The orphaned pair, who have been living in a temporary home in Belgium since they were found abandoned and alone in a snowdrift in the Albanian mountains, will be acclimatised to their new life in the country before moving to a permanent home PA UK news in pictures 17 August A level students celebrate outside the Department for Education in London after it was confirmed that candidates in England will be given grades estimated by their teachers, rather than by an algorithm. The government U-turn comes just days after Education Secretary Gavin Williamson vowed there would be "no U-turn, no change. PA UK news in pictures 16 August Wasp players take a knee as Northampton Saints stand prior to kick-off in their Premiership match at Franklin's Gardens PA UK news in pictures 15 August Piper Colour Sergeant Lil Bahadur Gurung attends the VJ Day National Remembrance event, held at the National Memorial Arboretum in Staffordshire, Britain Reuters UK news in pictures 14 August People including students hold placards on Whitehall outside Downing Street as they protest against the downgrading of A-level results. The government faced criticism after education officials downgraded more than a third of pupils' final grades in a system devised after the coronavirus pandemic led to cancelled exams yes AFP via Getty UK news in pictures 13 August Benita Stipp (centre) and Mimi Ferguson (left) react as students at Norwich School receive their A-Level results PA UK news in pictures 12 August 2020 A train derailment near Stonehaven has left three people dead. Driver Brett McCullough, conductor Donald Dinnie, and a passenger were killed when the 6.38am Aberdeen to Glasgow Queen Street service crashed amid heavy rain and flooding BBC UK news in pictures 11 August 2020 A woman hydrates in the sun after open water swimming at the West Reservoir Centre in north London Tolga Akmen/AFP via Getty UK news in pictures 10 August 2020 Prime Minister Boris Johnson takes part in an archery session as he visits Premier Education Summer Camp at Sacred Heart of Mary Girls' in Upminster Reuters UK news in pictures 9 August 2020 People cycle through Cambridge as the heatwave continues in Britain EPA UK news in pictures 8 August 2020 Healthcare workers take part in a protest in London over pay conditions in the NHS Getty UK news in pictures 7 August 2020 Emergency services make their way along the seafront on Bournemouth beach in Dorset on one of the hottest days of the year PA UK news in pictures 6 August 2020 Alison Murphy poses for a picture by husband Peter as she walks through a field of sunflowers in Altrincham, Cheshire PA UK news in pictures 5 August 2020 Pakistan's Abid Ali being bowled by England's Jofra Archer during day one of the First Test match at the Emirates Old Trafford, Manchester PA UK news in pictures 4 August 2020 The 'Timbuktu tumblers' from Kenya perform their balancing act on the Southsea waterfront as Zippos Circus reopens in Portsmouth Rex UK news in pictures 3 August 2020 Pelicans interact with a visitor in St James's Park in London PA UK news in pictures 2 August 2020 Lewis Hamilton drives with a puncture towards the finish line to win the Formula One British Grand Prix at Silverstone POOL/AFP via Getty UK news in pictures 1 August 2020 Arsenal's Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang celebrates with the trophy and teammates after winning the FA Cup, as play resumes behind closed doors following the outbreak of the coronavirus disease Pool via Reuters UK news in pictures 31 July 2020 People enjoy the sunny weather at a Bournemouth Beach Reuters

The last time he shared his insights on Boris, as if anyone needs reminding, was in late June 2016, when the latter was trying to replace David Cameron as prime minister. As his loyal friend, Brexit-Pinocchio compadre and leadership campaign manager rolled into one, Gove was uniquely well placed to appraise Boris’s fitness for high office. As indeed he did.

Boris simply lacked the grip and focus, he said then. Excruciating as it was – oh, the agonies to which his selfless compulsion to do the right thing exposed him – he had to save Britain from disaster. So it was, in accord with his interminably repeated insistence that under no circumstances would he ever run for PM himself, that Govey announced he would be running for PM himself.

It was a tragedy that he had no more luck there than the dear, dear friend he knifed in the back without a thought for the personal ambition he proved he never had by running for PM in his place. But less than 18 months later, rejoice, rejoice! The two halves of everyone’s favourite political pantomime horse are back in harness.

With Boris at the front and Govey cast to type as his hind quarters, this adorable creature seems to have seized control of Brexit via a genteel coup d’état.

Michael Gove says he doesn't know what Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe was doing in Iran

How long this alliance will last is not guessable given the personal history, let alone the context of a rapidly disintegrating government. But for now, the Boris-Govey axis appears to have Theresa May in its power, and is dictating the ultra-hard Brexit that occupies the very wettest of its dreams.

On Marr’s sofa, Gove confirmed by not denying that the pair recently sent May a “secret” letter laying out her actions on this minor matter of national interest. Delivered by hand to May’s chief of staff Gavin Barwell by Postman Boris, and explicitly for their eyes only, the missive constitutes something between an ultimatum, a ransom note and a power grab. After receiving it, May hardened her Brexit stance accordingly.

How her obedience could stretch to following their orders to impose a unified Brexit line on the entire Cabinet is hard to imagine when she is too weak to move Boris, let alone sack him.

Yet the significant point is not that she lacks the authority to bully Philip Hammond and others on speaking terms with Brexit realism into parroting a blatantly false line. The point is that these two clowns felt emboldened to fill the power vacuum and take charge.

And it isn’t so much that Theresa May is the hostage of two politicians she knows better than anyone have no place in the Cabinet. It is that Britain’s future might also be their hostage.

There is still time for the doomsday scenario of the nightmare pair engineering a formal putsch and divvying up the posts of PM and Chancellor between them. My hunch, which any regular reader will value at a fair bit less than zero, is that the next leader will be someone younger and less tainted by cabinet office, who will burst out of the pack in the closing furlings in the usual Tory style.

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Yet at this moment, in this borderline anarchy, all things are possible. One of those is that the Johnson-Gove partnership – possibly to become known as Jove by those who like their celeb lovers’ portmanteau shorter than Brangelina – will be leading us inexorably, cockily and abrasively towards a “F*** the filthy foreigners (aka no deal) Brexit”.

Without wishing to alarm you further, these two very different personalities have one gigantic thing to bind them. They are Rupert Murdoch’s placemen in the Cabinet. They’re the lads Rupert dines with in Mayfair whenever he graces us with a state visit. They are the boys he could rely on to ensure that his troubled bid for a 100 per cent stake in BSkyB is permitted.