Blizzard Entertainment’s Overwatch League (OWL) will ban all tanks going forward from Overwatch.





This aggressive move is meant to nerf the three-tank, three-healer composition GOATS, after more than a year of balance changes focused on bringing GOATS in line with other team compositions. The Overwatch Developers cited a desire to see more “five DPS comps in the game” as a primary motivation for the move. But will it work? Will this move finally actually kill GOATS? The community waits in breathless anticipation.





“We really just want Overwatch to be fun... well, fun for the professionals,” one anonymous Blizzard employee said while planning a new buff to bastion. “To do that, we decided to remove tanks entirely. It’s the only way to kill GOATS, which has been a huge thorn in the side of the OWL since the start.”





This move seems like it should kill the GOATS composition, but many players still have their doubts. One player said, “We’ll see, they’ve been trying to nerf GOATS for a long time. I am not sure if anything can kill the composition. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if removing tanks can kill it.”





Despite their removal, the heroes who were formerly tanks will be reclassified into DPS roles. These roles simply scale down the original heroes into DPS heroes. All barriers have been removed from the game, except for Brigitte, of course, because Brigitte is perfect and not overpowered at all.





Here is a short list of some of the most interesting adjustments made to each former tank heroes.





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D.Va’s movement while shooting has been reduced to zero, and her Meka has been replaced with an old broken down Honda Civic which will need to be refueled and repaired every 400 yards of distance traveled. This change is meant to encourage D.Va to “stop moving so much.”





Torbjorn will also be necessary to fix D.Va’s meka, so more teamwork will be required to succeed.





Zarya’s changes are pretty simple. Blizzard took away her anabolic steroids. Now she only has 200 health, and she can’t deadlift Winston. She can still deadlift, like, anyone else, but Winston’s pushing it.





This change comes after USADA raised concerns about Zarya’s abuse of performance-enhancing drugs in the form of “recharging shields” which USADA said were an unfair advantage over characters who play the game without abusing steroids, like Zenyatta, who uses the Iris to recharge his shields. Although, admittedly “the Iris” definitely sounds like a drug, too.





Reinhardt has retired from the game, citing knee problems from “years of physical trauma and strife.” Reinhardt said that he will be spending more time listening to David Hasselhoff and other classical musicians, rather than working with the illegal and defunct Overwatch unit.





Hammond has changed to a normal-sized hamster and hamster ball, in the name of realism. “New Hammond is perfect,” One developer said. “I think, if anything, new Hammond will actually be more effective, because he will be such a tiny target. Infallible logic.”





This is satire. Obviously. The shittiest of shitposts.