CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND a screenplay by Charlie Kaufman based on CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND an unauthorized biography by Chuck Barris third draft (revised) May 5, 1998 MUSIC IN: OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL TEXT, WHITE ON BLACK: This film is a reenactment of actual events. It is based on Mr. Barris's private journals, public records, and hundreds of hours of taped interviews. FADE IN: EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHT SUBTITLE: NEW YORK CITY, FALL 1981 It's raining. A cab speeds down a dark, bumpy side-street. INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS Looking in his rearview mirror, the cab driver checks out his passenger: a sweaty young man in a gold blazer with a "P" insignia over his breast pocket. Several paper bags on the back seat hedge him in. The young man is immersed in the scrawled list he clutches in his hand. A passing street light momentarily illuminates the list and we glimpse a few of the entries: double-coated waterproof fuse (500 feet); .38 ammo (hollowpoint configuration); potato chips (Lays). GONG SHOW An excerpt from The Gong Show (reenacted). The video image fills the screen. We watch a fat man recite Hamlet, punctuating his soliloquy with loud belching noises. The audience is booing. Eventually the man gets gonged. Chuck Barris, age 50, hat pulled over his eyes, dances out from the wings to comfort the agitated performer. PERFORMER Why'd they do that? I wasn't done. BARRIS (AGE 50) I don't understand. Juice, why'd you gong this nice man? JAYE P. MORGAN Not to be. That is the answer. The studio audience laughs. 2. INT. TAXI CAB - NIGHT The cab sloshes to a stop in front of a liquor store. The young man gets out, jogs through the rain toward the fluorescent storefront. The cab driver waits, listens to staticky reports in a foreign language on his radio. The meter is running. The back seat is piled high with bags. GONG SHOW Chuck Barris spastically dances on the screen along with Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. Barris turns to the camera, points at it. BARRIS We'll be right back with more stuff. INT. TAXI CAB - NIGHT The back of the cab is filled with even more bags and boxes. The cab stops. The young man gets out and confers with a shady looking guy on the corner. The young man pulls out a big wad of cash. Money and a small package change hands. The meter in the cab is at thirty-five dollars and change. THE GONG SHOW Chuck Barris is being sniffed in the crotch by a large dog. The audience howls with glee. Suddenly the video image explodes. Slow motion sparks and shards of glass shoot toward the camera. We pull back to reveal we're in a darkened, messy hotel room. We pan across the walls, past taped-up, yellowed newspaper clippings with headlines like "Gong Show a New Low in Television", "The Dumbing of America", and "Chuck Barris is the Decline of Western Civilization." We come to rest on a naked middle-aged man crouching in the shadows in the corner, holding a gun. This is Chuck Barris. The television continues to sputter, spark, and smoke. There is a knock at the door. BARRIS (mumbly) Fuck. Shit. Piss. Naked Barris, still holding the gun, seems panicked. He hesitates, trying to determine his options. Should he answer the door? Should he climb out onto the window ledge? Finally, he creeps to the door and peeks out the peephole for a long moment. He unlocks the door, opens it. The sweaty, young man, a bellhop, stands there with his many bags. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: He tries to appear casual as takes in the sight: a naked Chuck Barris holding a gun, an exploded, smoking tv set in the background. BARRIS (CONT'D) (weakly) More stuff? BELLHOP Yes sir, Mr. Barris. Everything you requested. Except I couldn't find a... (consults list) ... DH-10 directional fragmentation mine. BARRIS Well, it's late. (mumbling and bowing) But thank you. Thank you for trying. You are a scholar and a... Barris trails off, gives a quick glance both ways down the hall, then motions for the bellhop to enter. The bellhop places the bags on a table, fishes in his pocket and pulls out some bills. BARRIS (CONT'D) Keep it. It's okay. Keep it. You are a scholar and a... Barris trails off. BELLHOP (eyes averted) Thank you, sir. Suddenly Barris becomes agitated. BARRIS Why are you not looking at me like that? Do I look ugly to you? (runs to the mirror) It's the not sleeping. I'm not sleeping, see. I have a lot on my... Barris trails off. There is a pause. The bellhop attempts to make conversation. BELLHOP (re: exploded tv) Um, another Gong Show rerun, sir? The naked Barris approaches the bellhop, drapes his arm over the young man's shoulder and walks with him. (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: (2) BARRIS (conspiratorially) You know what I'd do? -- And don't tell anybody -- I'd rub... I'd rub Alpo brand dog food on my dick so the dogs would stick their noses into my... dick. Guaranteed big laugh, right? That was my trick, my great contribution to the world. How wouldn't I degrade myself, I ask you. There is a silence. BARRIS (CONT'D) (screaming) I ask you! BELLHOP I... I... I don't know, sir. Suddenly Barris punches himself in the head, flops down on the unmade bed. The bellhop glances at Barris's bare ass, looks away. BELLHOP (CONT'D) Mr. Barris, maybe if you just don't watch the show every night, you wouldn't have to -- BARRIS I always pay for the damn tv's, don't I? (turning to face him) Don't I?! BELLHOP It's -- Yes, you do, sir, and we appreciate that -- It's just that there've been complaints from some of the other guests, and Mr. Andrews, the assistant manager, requested that I -- BARRIS Still? Complaints? I specifically used the silencer this time! Specifically! BELLHOP Well, the people in 917 found a bullet lodged in their wall. And while we want to accommodate you -- we certainly value your patronage -- there is an issue of customer safety. Barris lets this sink in. (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: (3) BARRIS Yes, of course. Barris finds his pants draped over a chair, pulls out his wallet, holds some more money out to the bellhop. BARRIS (CONT'D) My apologies. Buy -- 917, is it? -- buy them a magnum of your finest champagne. And... and your finest spackle. Oh, and get me a bag of plastic army men while you're out. I forgot to tell you before. The bellhop sighs, takes the money. BELLHOP Thank you for your understanding, sir. The bellhop exists. BARRIS (calling after) And some black socks! Seven black socks, you rascule! Barris locks the door, dumps the contents of the bags onto the floor, fishes through the mess for a cigar, puts the cigar in his mouth, studies himself in a full length mirror. BARRIS (CONT'D) Bellhop Johnson was clearly repulsed by the sight of me. And why not? I'm wrinkled... (searches for simile, then proudly) ... like a prune. Covered in liver spots... (searches for simile) ... like an old guy. My hair is falling out in clumps, leaving exposed patches of white, sickly scalp. A flabby inner-tube of fat hangs from my waist, practically obscuring my bedraggled prick -- dark and shriveled and dead. Still leaking urine even though I left the toilet ages ago. My asshole itches. Hemorrhoids abound. George Orwell said every man has the face he deserves by fifty. Does every man have the asshole he deserves by fifty, as well? Does every fifty year old asshole have the asshole he deserves? 6. EXT. TERRACE - DAY This feels real, verite. The actual Chuck Barris, smoking a cigar, is being interviewed. He stands outside his villa in St. Tropez, older than the middle-aged Barris depicted in the hotel room, and talks to someone off-camera. ACTUAL BARRIS It was 1981. I had holed myself up in this New York hotel. Parker Hotel. Terrified of everything. Ashamed of my life. INTERVIEWER (O.C.) Ashamed? What do you mean? Barris walks through a small vegetable garden as he talks, occasionally adjusting a stake or pulling out a weed. ACTUAL BARRIS When you're young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be great. You might be Einstein. You might be Goethe. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment. But I remembered something Carlyle wrote: "... there is no life of a man, faithfully recorded, but is a heroic poem of its sort, rhymed or unrhymed." I realized my salvation might be in recording my wasted life, unflinchingly. Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale. Maybe it would help me understand why. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Barris, now in a hotel terrycloth bathrobe and a porkpie hat, sits at a desk and types manically. BARRIS (V.O.) My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mind- numbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered thirty-three human beings. I am damned to hell. DISSOLVE TO: 7. EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY It's sepia. Three year old Chuck, dressed somewhat girlishly and sporting a blonde pageboy haircut is being posed on a pony by a photographer. His mother stands by anxiously as the boy totters on the animal. BARRIS (V.O.) Born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1931, my early childhood remains accessible to me only as a series of elliptical, enigmatic memories. INT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY A smiling butcher hands a slice of bologna to young Barris, who puts it in his mouth. BARRIS (V.O.) The taste of bologna fresh from the butcher. EXT. CEMENT YARD - DAY A baby doll is set afire. Young Barris dances around it. BARRIS (V.O.) The sickly sweet smell of a burning babydoll on a crisp autumn day. INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - DAY Young Barris is being dressed by his mother. We're close on the velvet material being slipped over his head. BARRIS (V.O.) Velvet brushing against my tender young skin, as my mother dressed me. EXT. SCHOOL YARD - DAY Young Barris rolling on the ground in battle with another boy, as a crowd of children look on. BARRIS (V.O.) A constant, inarticulate rage leading to fist fight after fist fight. INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - MORNING Young Barris watches dust motes lit by the early morning sunlight pouring through his bedroom window. (CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: BARRIS (V.O.) The calm I felt watching dust suspended in the early morning sunlight. INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - NIGHT Young Barris sits on the floor and watches the shadow of a man walking upstairs. The young boy is clearly terrified. BARRIS (V.O.) I remember fear. INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING Toddler Barris watches his mother change clothes. He studies her pendulous breasts. She looks down, smiles warmly. BARRIS (V.O.) Love. MOTHER You like the way mommy looks, Chuckie? BARRIS (AGE 4) Yes. MOTHER I bet you would like to be a mommy some day, wouldn't you? BARRIS Yes, mommy. Please. MOTHER C'mere, you. His mother lifts the little boy to her breasts and presses his face against them. He is in heaven. INT. CHILDHOOD HOME - DAY Four year old Chuck sits at the dining room table with several other four year olds. They all wear party hats. Barris's father, a milquetoast middle-aged man enters in birthday hat, carrying a cake decorated with four lit candles. He leads the children in "Happy Birthday Dear Chuck" as young Chuck beams. BARRIS (V.O.) Rejection. (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: Chuck glances at the kitchen doorway. His mother stands there, staring at him. She dressed in black mourning clothes, complete with veil. INT. NURSERY - DAY Young Chuck peeks in as his mother sits in a rocking chair and holds Barris's infant sister. She fusses with the bows and frills on the baby's outfit. The light in the room is golden and warm. BARRIS (V.O.) Expulsion. We move in on the little boy's devastated face, then follow him as he turns and walks down the hall into darkness. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY A sixteen year old Barris lies on his back on a couch lazily tossing a football in the air. Tuvia, a thirteen year old girl, sits on the floor playing with a puppy. In the background, throughout the scene, we hear the inept playing of scales on a bass violin. BARRIS (V.O.) When I was sixteen I had an experience with my little sister's friend Tuvia that left an indelible impression. BARRIS (CONT'D) Phoebe's no Walter Page, huh, Tuvia? TUVIA I don't know who that is. BARRIS Of course you don't. (beat) Why are you waiting around anyway, listening to this cacophonous cacophony, when you could be in your own abode disrupting the lives of your own siblings? TUVIA I don't know what anything you say means. BARRIS No. You wouldn't, would you. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: Barris watches Tuvia playing with the dog. She gets on all fours and yelps, imitating the dog. This excites the dog, who bounces around her. Barris studies Tuvia's exposed white underwear for a while. This excites Barris. Finally he pulls an afghan off the back of the couch and drapes it over his pants. We hear him unzip his fly. BARRIS (CONT'D) Hey. TUVIA (not looking) What? BARRIS Hey, Tuvia. TUVIA (turning) Wha-at?! Tuvia sees Barris fiddling with something under the afghan. She gets quiet. BARRIS You wanna lick it? Tuvia snorts, goes back to playing with the dog. TUVIA No. Why should I? BARRIS Well, for one thing it tastes like strawberry. My sister tells me you love strawberries. TUVIA Yeah, well... I hate strawberries. BARRIS Honestly, a man's penis tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop. TUVIA Look, I know that's not true, so -- BARRIS It is true. It's weird but it's true. I just read a research paper on it. Tuvia looks at the afghan. 11. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Middle-aged Chuck Barris turns from the typewriter and stares out the window at the dark night sky. BARRIS (sadly wistful) My first love. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Tuvia's face jerks up into frame. She spits. TUVIA Uchh. Yech. It doesn't taste anything like strawberry, you creep. The dog sticks his head under the afghan. Barris shoos him away. BARRIS (curious) Well, what does it taste like? Tuvia gets up. TUVIA Y'know, I'm gonna tell your mother what you just did. BARRIS If you do, I'll tell your mother you made our dog lick your crack. TUVIA I did not! BARRIS (shrugging) So what? INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Middle-aged Barris types as the camera glides over some of the acquired detritus in his room: skin magazines, a gun and silencer, liquor, a copy of Beyond Good and Evil, a disguise kit, a kid's sprouted lima bean science fair project. BARRIS (V.O.) Perhaps my whole life turned at that point. The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed by the tastebuds of a ripening pubescent girl. 12. MONTAGE Sequence of young Barris unsuccessfully attempting to pick up girls at bars, unsuccessfully attempting to cop a feel on a date in a movie theater, standing on a front porch unsuccessfully attempting to kiss a girl good night, standing outside of a movie theater in the rain, holding an umbrella over his head and checking his watch. BARRIS (V.O.) (CONT'D) And so I found myself in a downward spiral of debauchery. Endlessly chasing pussy. My only focus in life: to get laid, to get blown, trying to fool myself into believing that given the right combination of circumstances and deception, maybe the Tuvias of the world could desire me the way I desired them. I only wanted to be loved. INT BAR - NIGHT Barris is fighting another drunken guy. He's getting pummeled. BARRIS (V.O.) A constant, inarticulate rage led to bar fight after bar fight. The two men get tossed from the bar. EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS The other guy gets up, brushes himself off, orients himself, and after a moment starts beating Barris again. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY SUBTITLE: New Jersey Turnpike, 1955 A bus drives along. We see from the sign above the windshield that it is bound for New York. INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS Young Barris, age 24, in traveling clothes and red hunting cap, stares out the window. BARRIS (V.O.) As much as I tried, I couldn't understand my past and my present was miserable, so, at twenty-four, I decided what I needed was a future... 13. EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER (1955) - DAY Young Barris, suitcase in hand, looks up at the impressive building. People hurry by. BARRIS (V.O.) ... I had heard that television was an industry with a future. Barris enters the building with resolve. INT. NBC STUDIOS (1955) - DAY Young Barris, age 24, dressed in an NBC blazer is leading a group of sheep-like tourists down a hall. BARRIS Next, we'll have a look at the studio where they produce the Today Show. The tourists "ooooh." Another tour group comes around a corner. This one is led by Georgia, a perky, blonde southern girl. The two groups squeeze past each other. Chuck tries to make eye contact with Georgia. He smiles at her, but she ignores him. INT. NBC COMMISSARY - DAY Barris is at the cash register paying for his food. He looks around for a place to sit. He spots Georgia, sitting with a female friend, and he sits at a table behind, so as to listen unobserved to their conversation. GIRLFRIEND That fella Raymond in payroll is kinda cute, huh? GEORGIA Cute's all well and good, Mary Ann, but what you want is a man who's goin' places. A go-getter on the management fast-track. Barris registers this information. INT. NBC PERSONNEL OFFICE - DAY Barris stands at the counter talking to a female clerk. BARRIS Management trainee application, please. The clerk hands him an application without looking up. (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: BARRIS (CONT'D) How many people applying for this so far? CLERK (calculating) Let's see, including you... about two thousand. BARRIS For how many positions? CLERK (looking up and smiling) Five. INT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY - DAY Barris sitting with a book and copying the names of three of the board of directors of RCA onto his application under the heading of "Personal References." INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Young Barris is having sex with Georgia. They finish. Barris rolls off her and onto his back. Georgia sighs. GEORGIA Tell me again. BARRIS Head of network sales at thirty. Head of the entire network at forty. GEORGIA And? BARRIS (rote) Dead of a heart attack by fifty with all my millions left to you. GEORGIA You're wonderful. I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris, management trainee. She climbs on top of Barris and begins kissing him all over. BARRIS (V.O.) Life was sweet. For a minute. 15. INT. BARRIS'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON Georgia is looking radiant as she reads a movie magazine. Barris enters. She runs over to kiss him. GEORGIA Baby doll! BARRIS I got fired. She pulls away, studies him for a moment, lets it sink in. GEORGIA Fired? BARRIS Fired. F-I-R... GEORGIA Fired? What the fuck did you get fired for?! BARRIS I don't know, efficiency cutback. Some bullshit... Look, it's gonna be... GEORGIA Well, I'm pregnant, you fuck! BARRIS Pregnant? GEORGIA Yeah, pregnant! BARRIS What the fuck did you get pregnant for?! GEORGIA What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for? You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck! BARRIS Well, fuck you. INT. BAR - NIGHT Barris sits drunkenly at the bar. He talks to a drunken guy next to him. (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: BARRIS So I figured I'd skip town. I intend to be important, y'know, I can't be saddled with this.. But then I remembered something Carlyle said: "Do the duty which lies nearest thee." BAR FLY Who's Carlyle? BARRIS Dear God, why do I even bother? BAR FLY Hey, fuck you, you condescending prick. BARRIS Hey, fuck you. BAR FLY Hey, fuck you. BARRIS Hey, fuck you. The guy punches Barris. A fight ensues. INT. BARRIS'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Barris is drunk on the couch watching a tv game show, his face swollen from the fight. Georgia enters. GEORGIA (pissy) Looks like I was just late. Barris barely acknowledges this, continues to watch tv. INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING Barris and Georgia are in bed. Georgia is asleep. Barris opens his eyes, quietly climbs out of bed. INT. APARTMENT - DAY Another verite-looking interview. A middle-aged blonde woman, the actual Georgia, is talking to someone off-camera. Sitting next to her is a Jewish-looking middle-aged man. ACTUAL GEORGIA I woke up and he was gone. No note. No nothing. I never saw him again. Until that stupid tv show he did. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: JEWISH-LOOKING MAN The Gong Show. ACTUAL GEORGIA I know what it's called, jerk. INT. COMMUTER TRAIN - DAY We're close on a copy of the NY Herald Tribune. The headline reads Clark Testifies Before "Payola" Committee. We pull back to see young Barris, in a suit, reading the paper in a passenger car of a moving train. BARRIS (V.O.) In '61 I was thirty. I had become a minor suit at ABC. It was during the music payola scandal... INT. TV STUDIO - DAY American Bandstand is taping. The studio is filled with dancing teens. Barris sits off to one side behind an imposing desk in the semi-darkness, suspiciously watching Dick Clark's every move, and taking copious notes. Clark glances over nervously. BARRIS (V.O.) ...so my job was to commute to Philly every day to the American Bandstand tapings, and keep an eye on Dick Clark. INT. OFFICE - DAY The actual Dick Clark is being interviewed. DICK CLARK Chuck Barris? He spooked me. I tried to keep on his good side becuase he was sort of... spooky. INTERVIEWER (O.C.) How so? DICK CLARK I dunno, there was something in his eyes. Something dark, like unbridled ambition, maybe. Or an inarticulate rage. EXT. PALISADES PARK - NIGHT Barris walks through the crowds. A dark look in his eyes as he follows some giggling teenage girls in poodle skirts. (CONTINUED) 18. CONTINUED: BARRIS (V.O.) On weekends I used to hang around amusement parks. Because that's where the young girls were. INT. BARRIS'S TENEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT Young Barris lies in bed masturbating. BARRIS (V.O.) I wrote a song about my experience. The song "Palisades Park" begins. FREDDIE CANNON Last night I took a walk after dark/to see a place called Palisades Park/to have some fun and see what I could see/that's where the girls are DISSOLVE TO: INT. TV STUDIO A sign above the stage reads The Dick Clark Saturday Night Beechnut Show. Freddie Cannon is on stage singing "Palisades Park" as a crowd of 1962 teenagers dance on the studio floor. BARRIS (V.O.) I got it to Freddie "Boom Boom" Cannon through my friendship with Dick Clark. Dick really wanted to help me out. FREDDIE CANNON I took a ride on the shoop de shoop/that girl I sat beside was awful cute/and when we stopped she was holding hands with me/my heart was flying/up like a rocket ship/down like a roller coaster/fast like a loop de loop/round like a merry go 'round... Young Barris watches happily from behind the cameras. He spots, Debbie, a pretty, bland young woman with headphones and a clipboard. He sidles over to her. BARRIS Hi. DEBBIE What? (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: BARRIS Hi! DEBBIE Oh. BARRIS I wrote this song. DEBBIE Oh. Uh-huh. BARRIS It's number three on the pop charts. Barris pulls out music magazine clipping as proof. DEBBIE Huh. INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT Barris and Debbie are having dinner. BARRIS See, I believe there's a great future in television. DEBBIE Uh-huh. BARRIS So I'm going to take my royalties and create a pilot. A pilot is what they call a test tv show. DEBBIE I work in tv. BARRIS Yeah. It's gonna be a game show. I believe there's a great future in game shows. DEBBIE That's good. BARRIS Everyone loves game shows, right? DEBBIE I don't know. (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: BARRIS Well, they do. DEBBIE That's great then. BARRIS I'm on my way! There is a long, awkward silence. They both saw away at their steaks. INT. DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Barris and Debbie are having sex, sort of mechanical. They're plowing through, kind of like sawing through their steaks. When it's over, they both just lie there. INT. DEBBIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Young Barris, in his underwear, sits alone in the semi- darkness and stares out the window. The front door unlocks and a woman enters, backlit from the hallway. She turns on the light. This is Penny Pacino, eighteen, a beatnik in a black leotard and skirt and black mascara. She has red hair. She sees Barris on the couch. PENNY Hello. BARRIS Hi. Don't be alarmed I'm with Debbie. PENNY Yeah, I figured. Penny walks past him, drops her keys and bag on the counter, and enters the kitchenette. Barris watches her ass. PENNY (CONT'D) You hungry? BARRIS Um, no thanks. PENNY Thirsty? BARRIS If you have a beer. Penny returns with two beers, hands one to Barris. She sits in a chair across from him. They both drink. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: PENNY So how was sex with Debbie? I've always wondered. BARRIS (a little taken aback) It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking. PENNY No problem. I just got fucked by this drummer cat. A really righteous Negro hipster. BARRIS Huh. Interesting. PENNY See, I believe in the brotherhood of man. Last week I got fucked by an Oriental. (beat, studies him) What are you? BARRIS Jew. PENNY That's what I thought. I had a Jew, but he was Sephardic. You look Ashkenazi (pronounced Ashkuh-Natzee), I'm guessing. BARRIS Ashkenazi. PENNY Right. Ashkenazi... I haven't balled one of them. BARRIS You're a romantic. PENNY Eh, I just don't get into all the bullshit between cats and chicks. BARRIS I know what you mean. PENNY (not hearing him) You know what I mean? BARRIS I know what you mean. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: (2) PENNY Besides, you fall in love with a cat, you only get hurt. Right? BARRIS Don't I know it. PENNY (beat) We could ball if you want. I seem to like you pretty well. BARRIS Well, that would be good. But, you know, I'm kind of here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right. PENNY Yeah. That's true. I didn't think of that. (getting up) Well, I'm going to bed. Nice meeting you. Penny shakes his hand and heads off. BARRIS What's your name? PENNY Penny. BARRIS I'm Chuck. PENNY Oh, you're the one who wrote that Palisades song. I love that song. It's such sentimental bullshit. Penny exits into her bedroom. Barris drinks his beer. INT. BARRIS'S TENEMENT APARTMENT - DAY Barris and Penny are having sex on the kitchen floor. It's quite passionate. INT. TENEMENT APARTMENT - LATER Penny is taking a bath in the tub in the kitchen while Barris broodingly cooks dinner at the stove. (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: PENNY (animatedly) ... so this ape and I were looking at each other. It was, like, across time and evolution. Then he began to talk, but it was a language I didn't understand, maybe Swiss. Then he turned into Perry Como, real square and... what's wrong with you? BARRIS Nothing. PENNY Just because we fucked, doesn't mean there are strings now. It's okay. BARRIS Okay. PENNY Okay? I only wanted to tell you my dream is all. Nothing more complicated than that. Don't panic. BARRIS I'm just used to all this dating bullshit, y'know. Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say. PENNY Don't worry about it, I'm not into those games either. So, anyway, this monkey turns into Perry Como and I say -- BARRIS Holy fuck! PENNY What? BARRIS Holy holy fuck! (runs over, kisses her) You just gave me an idea. (starts pacing For a show! Fuck! PENNY A show about monkeys? (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: (2) BARRIS In a way. About the craziest monkey of all: Monkius Humanius! Don't you see? About people! About sex. About romance. About the bullshit of dating! INT. LEONARD GOLDBERG'S OFFICE - DAY Leonard Goldberg, ABC executive, sits behind his desk as Barris, holding a cardboard model of a game show set, excitedly paces the room giving a pitch. BARRIS I call it The Dating Game, Mr. Goldberg. And that's what it's about. A pretty girl asks three handsome guys, who she can't see, silly questions. And based on their answers, she picks one to date. And we pay for the date. That's it! That's the show! It's got everything! EXT. ABC BUILDING - DAY Penny leans on a signpost smoking a cigarette. Barris emerges from the building with his cardboard set. He looks grave. He approaches Penny. PENNY No? BARRIS (lighting up) They bought it! Penny screams, hugs Barris. BARRIS (CONT'D) They bought it they bought it they bought it... The two dance around on the street. BARRIS (CONT'D) They're giving me seventy-five hundred fucking dollars to make a pilot! PENNY Oh my God! Oh my God! We gotta go celebrate! Let's go roller skating! Penny kisses Barris. (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: BARRIS I can't, Pen. I got a date. PENNY Okay. That's cool. Call me after. BARRIS Yeha, okay. I will. Barris walks off. We stay on Penny smoking her cigarette. MUSIC IN: DATING GAME THEME THE DATING GAME PILOT BEING MADE, QUICK SHOTS OF: BARRIS TENSELY DIRECTING ACTIVITY ON THE SET. GIGGLY BACHELORETTE ASKING QUESTION. GAWKY BACHELORS MUGGING. TOOTHY HOST GUFFAWING. ACTUAL BARRIS (V.O.) I figured I was in. All I had to do was get the pilot made and I'd be a millionaire. Everyone would love me. MUSIC OUT SUDDENLY. EXT. TERRACE - DAY ACTUAL BARRIS (staring off) Was anyone ever so young? INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - DAY Barris, 32, lies on his bed on his back and tosses the football in the air. A very very very old dog lies on the floor. Phoebe, Barris's 26 year old sister enters. PHOEBE Chuck... BARRIS Albert's dead. PHOEBE Well, he led an amazingly long life. BARRIS Still, it's hard to go on. (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: PHOEBE Y'know, you've been staring out this window for six months now. BARRIS I'm trying to come up with new tv shows, if you must know. Okay? That's what I'm doing. I believe there's a real future in tv. (holds up notebook, shakes it) Look. Ideas. Okay? PHOEBE You're thirty-two years old, and you have no career and no prospects. BARRIS Thanks for the status report, Phoebe. Look, I just gotta come up with the right concept. Then, boom. (holds up notebook again) Which, by the way, I've almost got. PHOEBE You're breaking mom's heart. You know that, don't you? Barris looks out the window at his emaciated mother sitting in the yard in an old wicker-backed wheelchair and staring off into space. BARRIS Somehow, and don't ask me why, Phoebe, my being born broke mom's heart. Barris watches his mother for a long moment. BARRIS (CONT'D) Hey Phoebe, you ever see what's-her-name, Tuvia, anymore? PHOEBE Who? BARRIS Tuvia. Your friend. Tuvia. The girl. PHOEBE Oh. No. I heard something. I think she got divorced recently or something. BARRIS Oh, yeah? 27. EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY Barris knocks on the door. There is some movement inside and a woman answers the door. This is older Tuvia, 20's, attractive but a little hard-edged now. She balances a baby on her hip OLDER TUVIA Yes? (registers) Well, if it isn't Strawberry-dick Barris. BARRIS Hi, Tuvia. Barris taken by the changes in Tuvia. The baby and the full, milk-producing breasts get him excited. OLDER TUVIA What do you want? BARRIS I came by to apologize. OLDER TUVIA Okay then. She closes the door. He knocks again. She opens the door. OLDER TUVIA (CONT'D) Well, if it isn't Strawberry-dick Barris. Now what do you want? BARRIS So I'm back in town. For a while. I thought maybe you and I could -- OLDER TUVIA Jesus, you've got to be kidding. Tuvia closes the door. Barris stands there for a moment, considers knocking again, then turns and leaves. EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK - NIGHT We move along a park bench, past several homeless people, one holding an old doll, others holding other sad items. We come to Barris. He's wrapped in a horse blanket and holding the miniature cardboard Dating Game set. An open notebook sits on his lap. The pages are blank, except for one entry: The Something Else Game. Barris holds a pen poised to write, but doesn't. 28. INT. BAR - DAY Barris is drunk and in a fight. He is losing, flailing, swinging wildly. Jim Byrd, a middle-aged, business man- looking guy, in tinted glasses and sideburns, watches from the bar. Eventually Barris and the other brawler get thrown out of the bar. Byrd takes a sip of his drink. EXT. BAR - DAY Barris sits on the curb, nursing his wounds. Byrd exits the bar and casually approaches. BYRD You're a pretty angry young fella, aren't you? Can't fight worth a damn though. BARRIS Screw off, fag. Don't think I haven't seen you watching me in that bar for a week now. BYRD Kind of a loner, I'd say. Fairly bright. A tad anti-social. Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch? BARRIS Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down. Why don't you go trolling there? Barris gets up and starts to walk away. BYRD I could teach you at least thirty different ways to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris. Barris stops. BYRD (CONT'D) Might help you in future bar fights. Just a thought. Barris just stands there. BYRD (CONT'D) Oh, and there's money in it. Good money. Barris turns. 29. INT. DINER - DAY Barris and Jim Byrd sit in a booth. Barris is wolfing a hamburger. Byrd sips coffee. BARRIS (mouth full) ... and I figure if I can keep afloat until I come up with my next game show idea, then all will be copacetic. BYRD That sounds great, Chuck. Y'know, I've never known a television producer before. I'm impressed. BARRIS Yeah, yeah. So what's this money deal you were talking about? BYRD Well, I work for a government agency, and I can always use good, enthusiastic men to help me carry out my directives. BARRIS What kind of work? What government agency? BYRD (matter-of-fact) Problem solving work. For the Office of Diplomatic Security. BARRIS Office of what? Never heard of it. Is that the fucking CIA or something? BYRD Please be discreet, Mr. Barris. BARRIS (whispering) Jesus, it is the fucking CIA! Hell, I'll be a spy! Where do I sign up? Are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me, aren't you? BYRD Hardly. And you wouldn't be with the company. You'd be a contract agent. Independent. No official tie to any agency. Is that understood? (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: BARRIS (beat) Why me? BYRD As you know, I've been watching you. For years, actually. I've only let you know about it for the last week. Chuck stops chewing. BARRIS Jesus. BYRD I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris. Are you interested in this work? Long pause. BARRIS Well, what's the profile? BYRD Are you interested in this work, Mr. Barris? BARRIS Yeah, sure, I wanna be a secret agent. Contract agent. Whatever. Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women. Wear a trenchcoat. Sounds like a kick. BYRD The work we do is very serious. It's essential in quelling the rise of communism and allowing democracy to gain its rightful foothold around the globe. BARRIS Sure. Yeah. Okay. That's good. EXT. ABANDONED ARMY BASE - DAY The place is ramshackle and overgrown. It looks deserted. A barbed-wire fence surrounds it. INT. BASE REC ROOM - DAY A severe-looking instructor is teaching a class to an assembled group of scary-looking men: losers, psychos, mercenaries, Latin American thugs, and Chuck Barris. (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: INSTRUCTOR #1 There are several efficient methods of killing a man, were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand against the adversary's Adam's apple. (demonstrates on mannequin) This will crush the windpipe causing strangulation and death. The students take notes. INSTRUCTOR #1 (CONT'D) Boxing your adversary's ears with proper force will cause his ear drums to burst and possibly result in bleeding in the brain. And death. EXT. BARRACKS - NIGHT It's dark. Byrd sits on a step, smoking a cigarette. Barris approaches. BARRIS You're training me to be a killer. BYRD See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly bright. BARRIS I can't kill people. My future is in television. BYRD Listen, you're thirty-two years old and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by thirty-three. Better get cracking. BARRIS I have ideas for shows. BYRD Oh, good. Why don't you spend another six months developing 'em while staring out the window at mommy's house next to poor dead Albert the dog. BARRIS How do you know all that? (CONTINUED) 32. CONTINUED: BYRD I know everything about you, Chuck. For fuck's sake, I know which hand you jerk off with. Barris lifts his hands, tries to remember. BYRD (CONT'D) Right. Leave in the morning, if you want. But I'm here to tell you this is honest work for good pay. You'd be helping to make the world safer. And your country would be grateful. Byrd rises, stubs out his cigarette in his hand. BYRD (CONT'D) It'll toughen you up. Barris sits there staring into the blackness. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Another big, frightening instructor stands before the class. Behind him is a full-sized diagram of a man which illustrates all major arteries and organs. He is demonstrating the proper way to grip a knife, then using the knife, he points to various sites on the body. Angle on Chuck Barris. He has copied the diagram of the man in his notebook and is writing "Carotoid artery carries blood to brain. Death in seconds." He then writes: "Game show idea: Slice of Life. Interesting!!" EXT. FIELD - DAY Several canvas dummies are propped up in the field. Barris and other students slash at the dummies with big knives. INT. WORKSHOP - DAY Barris and other students are assembling rifles. EXT. MUDDY FIELD - NIGHT Barris and other students crawl on their bellies through mud. INT. LABORATORY - DAY The severe instructor, in a lab coat, is mixing chemicals. (CONTINUED) 33. CONTINUED: INSTRUCTOR #1 Glycerin is, of course, the best-known nitrating agent. Now keep in mind, nitroglycerin is extremely unstable. A slight tap, a one degree change in temperature and it'll blow up in your hands. Yee-haa, let's mix us up a batch! Instructor #1 holds up a beaker. INSTRUCTOR #1 (CONT'D) Everybody take your 75 ml beaker and fill it to the 13 ml level with fuming red nitric acid, 98% concentration. The students nervously pour nitric acid into beakers. INT. BUNKER - DAY The severe instructor is demonstrating how to use an army field telephone to torture a man. A canvas dummy is tied to a chair as the instructor attaches wires from the telephone to the dummy's genitals and to his mouth. The students watch closely, take notes. EXT. BARRACKS - DAY The students with suitcases and in traveling clothes are hugging and saying good-bye. The end of summer camp. A tearful Barris heads toward one of the waiting buses. Byrd pulls him aside, discusses something with him. INT. PLANE - DAY Byrd and Barris, now dressed in a suit similar to Byrd's, sit in first class. Byrd stirs his scotch and water with his finger as he stares at nothing out the window. EXT. AIRSTRIP, MEXICO CITY - DAY SUBTITLE: MEXICO CITY, 1965 A commercial airliner comes in for a landing. INT. CAFE - DAY Barris, Byrd, and two sleazy, sweaty men, Benitez and Brazioni, sit in a booth in the back of the dark cafe. Benitez opens up his brief case and pulls out a pile of grainy photos of a man leaving a residence and a street map. He lays them on the table. (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: BYRD Salvador Panagra Renda, gentlemen. BENITEZ Si. In the flesh. BYRD What have you got for me, Manny? BENITEZ (re: map) Renda leaves his apartment every day at 8:30, alone, walks east two blocks to this news kiosk, buys a paper and heads south four blocks to the plaza of the Museum Nacional to read it. BYRD Okay. Chuck, you're here at 8:25. Dress like a tourist. Start walking north. You should pass Renda here. Stop him and ask him in bad Spanish where the museum is. Make sure he doesn't understand what you're asking. BARRIS Okay. BYRD (to Brazioni and Benitez) You'll be parked here. Brazioni, you're behind the wheel. Benitez, you're on the street leaning into the car chatting with Benitez. When Chuck stops Renda, you turn to help with the directions, stick a gun into Renda's ribs, and direct him into the back seat. Chuck, you get in first. Renda's between you and Benitez. Brazioni, whaddaya got? Brazioni opens a case to reveal three Walther P-38 pistols. BYRD (CONT'D) Nice. You got suppresers with those, I'm assuming. BRAZIONI I am not an imbecile. BYRD (smiling) Glad to hear it. Wasn't sure. (CONTINUED) 35. CONTINUED: (2) BARRIS (to Byrd) Where are you going to be, Jim? BYRD Poolside, Chuck. INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT Brazioni and Benitez are at a table, drunk, sweaty and loud, flirting with some women. Byrd sits at the bar, sipping a scotch. Barris enters, spots Byrd, sits down next to him. BYRD (not looking up) Hola, Chuckito. Que pasa? YOUNG BARRIS So what'd this guy Renda do anyway? BYRD It's your job to follow directives, not question their validity. BARRIS It's just... BYRD He's a bad guy, Chuck. He's one of the bad guys. Okay? BARRIS Bad for the U.S., right, Jim? Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the U.S. BYRD Don't fuckin' dance with me, Barris. Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Co. He's bad for me personally. You work for me, and Renda's bad for me. You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. YOUNG BARRIS Look, this is -- Byrd grabs Barris and pulls him over to a dark corner of the room. No one looks up. He pushes Barris against the wall. BYRD There's no backing out now, Chuck. We've let you in on everything. So you don't play, you don't leave Mexico. Comprende? (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: YOUNG BARRIS I was just -- BYRD (softening) I like you. I really do. And you're gonna do fine tomorrow. And we're gonna become great friends. And you're gonna have a very nice little career. But you've got to grow up. There's a war on. YOUNG BARRIS What war? BYRD (walking away) That's not your concern. INT. MEXICAN HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT It's hot. There are two twin beds in the room. Byrd sleeps soundly in one. Barris lies in the other, eyes wide open. EXT. MEXICO CITY STREET - DAY Renda is buying a newspaper at the kiosk. He completes the transaction and takes a few steps with his paper. Barris blocks his way, holding a phrase book and shaking. BARRIS Excusa me, por favor, Senor. Renda stops. BARRIS (CONT'D) Donde es-bla ra-ba-blala los bloteros? RENDA No comprende. Renda tries to get away from this pesky tourist. Barris follows him, calling after him. BARRIS Ra-bla-bla-mamos las minjares? Renda picks up his pace, as does Barris. Benitez approaches. BENITEZ May I be of some assistance here? Renda appears relieved, until he feels the gun in his back. 37. INT. CAR - DAY Renda's in the back between Barris and Benitez. Brazioni drives. Renda seems pale and nervous, as does Barris in his gaudy tourist wear and sunglasses. The car drives slowly through the crowded Mexico City streets. They arrive at a jammed intersection and are suddenly confronted with a big parade. It's Day of the Dead; the streets are filled with dancing skeletons. It's wild and frightening. Brazioni glances at Renda in the reaview mirror. BRAZIONI Day of the dead. EXT. FIELD - DAY The car stops in a deserted field. Barris gets out first. His shirt is soaked through with sweat. Suddenly there's a commotion inside the car. Renda has gotten hold of a gun. He shoots Brazioni and Benitez. Barris panics and dives behind the car. Renda steps cautiously outside of the car, looking for Barris. Barris grabs Renda's foot. Renda falls, the gun flies from his hand. Barris kicks the gun under the car, his own gun drawn. He points the gun at Renda, who is on his stomach. Barris doesn't shoot. He's scared, shaking wildly. Renda looks up at Barris, trying to figure him out. He slowly rises to his feet, turns to Barris with a pleading look in his eyes. RENDA Por favor. No me mates, senor. Tengo tres bebes. Barris sucks in a deep gulp of air. His hand shakes. He pulls out Spansh-English dictionary. BARRIS Again. RENDA Que? BARRIS Repitolo. Again. RENDA No me mates. Tengo tres bebes. Barris flips through the dictionary. A church bell chimes, startling Barris. His gun goes off accidentally and the bullet hits Renda in the face, tearing most of it away. Renda falls, but is still alive. He screams out of where his mouth was. A wedding party emerges from the distant church. (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: BARRIS Oh Christ. Oh crap. Barris tries to stop Renda from screaming by covering the hole in Renda's face. Barris throws up, some of it landing on Renda's pants. He wipes his own mouth with his bloody hand and looks at the still screaming Renda. The churchgoers are starting to squint in Barris's direction. Barris shoots Renda again. And again and again and again and again. More blood spatters Barris's clothing and face. The church bell continues to chime. INT. AIRPLANE - DAY Barris and Byrd sit side-by-side in first class. This time Barris has the window seat and stares out. BYRD Beautiful country, isn't it? YOUNG BARRIS Yeah. BYRD You did us proud, Chuck. Barris doesn't say anything. BYRD (CONT'D) Renda was a bad guy. He really was. BARRIS Yeah. INT. APARTMENT - EVENING Barris enters carrying an overnight bag and some mail. He flips on the hall light and stares at himself in a mirror. BARRIS (V.O.) I had changed. I could see it in my eyes. Something dark. Barris notices a fleck on the side of his nose. It's dried blood. He distractedly rubs at it. EXT. FIELD - DAY Renda's contorted face in close-up as he is shot. Blood spurting. Echoey church bells chime. RENDA No me mates. Yo tengo tres bebes. 39. INT. APARTMENT - EVENING Barris puts down his bag, pulls the Spanish-English dictionary from his pocket, and tries to translate what Renda said. It takes him a while but he does. BARRIS "Don't kill me. I am three babies." I am three babies? What the fuck does that mean? (studies dictionary) Oh. "I have three babies." Oh, God. Barris drops to the floor and throws up into a trash can. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches a movement in the living room. He lurches backwards, knocks over the can. Vomit spills onto the carpet. PENNY (O.C.) (groggily) Chuck, is that you throwing up? In the dim light from the hallway, Barris spots Penny lying on the couch. She is dressed as a hippy. A backpack and a duffel lie on the floor next to her. BARRIS Jesus Christ, Penny. You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here? PENNY Sorry. I just been crashing here for a few days. Waiting for you. Where you been, man, where you been? BARRIS Mexico. Just on a little vaca... PENNY You drank the water, didn't you? BARRIS Yeah. PENNY You're not supposed to. Montessori's Revenge. You're not even allowed to open your mouth or your eyes when you take a shower. It's crazy. How come our water is so good and their water is poison? It's the same ocean. (CONTINUED) 40. CONTINUED: BARRIS I don't know. PENNY It's weird, huh? (beat, then proudly) So I'm a hippy now. Look. Penny stands in the dimness to show off her outfit. PENNY (CONT'D) I've been in San Francisco, and it's amazing. Everybody loves everybody and there's lots of colors. We're gonna change the world, Chuck. Come back with me and be my old man, okay? Not that old! Ha ha ha. BARRIS Penny, I'm a little tired now, so... PENNY Oh! You gotta hear this song! Penny shrieks excitedly as she runs to the record player. She turns it on, plugs in a strobe light. "Sunshine Superman" starts up. Penny sings and dances along, directing the lyrics at Barris. Barris looks around at his strobing apartment. He sees Penny's mess: pot paraphenalia, anti-war posters, a gold dove painted on the wall with a phone number underneath. PENNY (CONT'D) (singing) "Cause I made my mind up, you're going to be mine..." BARRIS Penny, what did you do to my wall? PENNY (looking) Oh, it's a guy who called a couple a days ago. Gold-Bird. Isn't it pretty? BARRIS Leonard Goldberg?! You're kidding? (dials phone anxiously) Hello, this is Chuck Barris returning for Leonard Goldberg. Pause. Barris paces. Penny sings and dances in background. (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: (2) GOLDBERG (PHONE VOICE) Hi, Chuck! BARRIS Mr. Goldberg! I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. I was out of town. Vacationing in Mexico. GOLDBERG Good for you. Listen, Chuck. We've ended up with a damn hole in our daytime schedule. I've been reviewing some options, and it occurred to me there might be a place here for you and your baby. BARRIS My baby, Mr. Goldberg? GOLDBERG The Dating Game. (joshingly) That is your baby, isn't it, Chuck? BARRIS Yes sir, it is. GOLDBERG Are you still interested? BARRIS Yes sir. Very interested. Sir. GOLDBERG Good man. We'll need to start airing in about six weeks. Is that do-able for you and your people? BARRIS My people? Six weeks? Sure. Yes sir. GOLDBERG Great. Keep me posted. Dial tone. Barris sits there, phone in hand, then throws up again into the trash can. Penny stops dancing, watches. PENNY Damn Mexicans and their water. 42. INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY An episode of the show is being taped. Barris paces nervously behind the camera. BLONDE BACHELORETTE Bachelor number two, what would I like most about you? BEANPOLE BACHELOR I am very romantic and I would send you flowers every day. The studio audience "awwws." BLONDE BACHELORETTE Aww. That's sweet. Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you? FRIZZY-HAIRED BACHELOR My big cock. The bachelorette makes a mock-horrified expression as the studio audience erupts in laughter. Barris buries his face in his hands. INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY A brunette bachelorette asks a question. BRUNETTE BACHELORETTE Bachelor number one, what nationality are you? HANDSOME BACHELOR Well, my father is Welsh and my mother is Hungarian, so I guess that makes me Well- Hung. The audience goes wild. Barris pulls at his hair. INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY A black bachelorette asks a question. BLACK BACHELORETTE Bachelor number three, I play the trombone. If I blew you, what would you sound like? The audience screams with delight. 43. INT. BOARD ROOM - DAY Leonard Goldberg, a bunch of network executives, and Barris sit around a conference table and watch a tv. On it is The Dating Game. A black bachelor is responding to the trombone question. He simulates the receiving of a blow job, moaning and writhing in his seat as the studio audience howls. Barris has his head in his hands. Goldberg signals an assistant, who switches off the television. The executives look quite grim. GOLDBERG Chuck, quite frankly these episodes are unairable. BARRIS Look, Len, the show's spontaneous, it's unscripted. That's it's charm. I can't control what people say. EXECUTIVE Be that as it may, Mr. Barris, we can't have black men getting blow jobs on national television! GOLDBERG The point isn't that he's black, Hank. EXECUTIVE (beat) Well, I know that. That's not what I meant. BARRIS Look, Len, nobody is indifferent to these shows. Right? And that's good. Show business must avoid indifference at all costs. EXECUTIVE Even when taste is involved? BARRIS Taste is just a word. EXECUTIVE You don't fuck with taste, my friend! BARRIS (uncomprehending) What does that even mean? I don't even under -- (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: GOLDBERG Chuck, we cannot air this stuff. That's it. If you can't figure out how to retain your spontaneity without the contestants being lewd, we're going to have to pull the show. INT. BAR - NIGHT Barris is drunk and brooding. He picks a fight with a big man who has unintentionally knocked into him at the bar. Barris is brutal and effective, utilizing the techniques he learned from one of the scary instructors at training camp. This gives him an idea. INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY The contestants are onstage. Barris appears, warm and charming. BARRIS Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. The severe training camp instructor joins Barris onstage. INSTRUCTOR #1 (increasingly psychotic) Thank you, Mr. Barris. I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make licentious remarks on a network television broadcoast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison or a ten thousand dollar fine or both. Anyone making a sick, subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I will then personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcast Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison. Just you and me. No other witnesses -- BARRIS (jumping in) Any questions? There are none. The contestants are paralyzed with fear. Jenks is red-faced, trembling. (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: BARRIS (CONT'D) Okay. Have fun, everybody!' EXT. TERRACE - DAY The actual Barris being interviewed. ACTUAL BARRIS Sometimes as a younger man I stretched the truth to get what I wanted. "Through all the lying days of my youth/I swayed my leaves and flowers in the sun;/Now I may whither into the truth." Yeats. You heard of him? INTERVIEWER (O.C.) Yeah. Of course. ACTUAL BARRIS Sure you have. (beat) Anyway, my little lie worked. We aired and become a big hit. A phenomenon, really. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE, BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - DAY SUBTITLE: BARRIS PRODUCTIONS, LOS ANGELES, 1967 This is the sixties and the office is crazily appointed. Street signs, funny posters, faux Tiffany lamps, mobiles, lava lamps, an inflatable sex doll, etc. Barris, 36, is behind his desk, feet up and on the phone. He wears a t- shirt and jeans and loafers. This is a new Barris, confident and successful and hip and relaxed and slovenly. Outside in the bullpen area we hear the hustle and bustle, laughing and screaming of a busy but casual office. BARRIS (into phone) Terrific, Rod! Yeah, I'll get back to you on Monday. Great. Thanks. Bye. Barris hangs up the phone. His jovial facade disappears. He opens up his ice bucket. It's empty. BARRIS (CONT'D) (yelling) Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Loretta, Barris's pretty young secretary, enters with a new bucket of ice. She is braless and shoeless. (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: LORETTA Jesus, Barris, take a Darvon. Loretta drops the bucket of ice on his desk. Barris grabs her arm, pulls her toward him, kisses her on the back of the neck. BARRIS Hey, baby. Loretta acts annoyed, but it's playful. LORETTA Asshole. BARRIS I know. Sit. Talk to me. Loretta sighs and drops into a bean bag chair. Barris puts some ice in a glass and pours himself a scotch. LORETTA I'm busy. We're in the middle of a bachelorette crisis out there. BARRIS I just got a call from the network. Drink? LORETTA You got any weed? BARRIS I wish. LORETTA Then I'll have a drink. Bad news? Barris pours a drink for Loretta. She gets up, takes it off the desk and falls back down into the bean bag. BARRIS The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled from Saturday night. LORETTA (mock concern) Oh my God! (drily) So? (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: (2) BARRIS They want to put a prime-time version of the Dating Game on in its place. LORETTA Shit! You're kidding! That's fucking great! BARRIS But they say the day-time version's not hot enough. They want me to make it more exciting for night-time. I got forty- eight hours. LORETTA What do you have so far? BARRIS Nothing. Bupkis. I mean, the show is what it is. I don't have a clue. This could be my big break, Loretta. LORETTA Yeah, I know. Don't blow it. Loretta smiles at him, downs her drink, gets up and pads out of the office. Barris watches her ass. BARRIS Thank you for your help. LORETTA (not looking back) Hey, I brought the ice. She is out the door. Barris picks up his guitar and noodles on it. INT. DATING GAME SET - LATER Barris paces on the darkened set. He is trying to think. A shadowy figure appears at the top of the bleachers and creeps down the aisle. Barris is deep in thought and doesn't hear. The man appears behind Barris and locks his arm around Barris's neck. Barris is startled, choking and flailing trying to remove the arm. He can't. Finally the man releases Barris and tweaks his crotch. Barris turns wildly around. It is Jim Byrd. BYRD Boy, didn't I teach you anything? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: BARRIS You son of a bitch! Barris swings at Byrd. Byrd easily blocks the punch. BYRD You're so rusty, it's embarrassing. BARRIS You're a stupid fucking turd, you know that? BYRD Can I buy you lunch? INT. MARTONI'S - DAY Jim is downing his bourbon and signals the waitress for another. Barris, still pissed, sips a martini. BYRD Ah, lighten up, hombre. BARRIS My fucking neck hurts. Okay? BYRD Poor baby. Look, I've been put in charge of a fairly large wet operation and I could use your help. BARRIS Have you noticed, Jim, I've got a tv show on the air? I don't need to kill people for hire anymore. BYRD I know you don't need to. But you'd like to. BARRIS That's insane. Byrd shrugs, unconvinced. He sips his drink. BYRD Think of it as a hobby. An avocation. Something you do to relax. You can be an assassination enthusiast, a murder bug. (CONTINUED) 49. CONTINUED: BARRIS I've got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you. BYRD Okay, I'll help you out with your little show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy I am. I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck. And I have a thought. BARRIS What, now you're a television producer? BYRD Hey, I'm CIA operative John Q. Public when it comes to tv and that should make my opinion of interest to you. BARRIS Let's hear it then. BYRD Well, what do you have now? The couple gets sent to some stupid second-rate Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right? Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not too exciting a prize to us vicarious- living boobs out in TV-land. BARRIS Yeah, what's your point? BYRD Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send 'em to some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast Asia, for example. BARRIS The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together. BYRD (shrugs) Send 'em with a chaperone. Some respectable old lady with a sewn closed snatch. BARRIS (considering) Y'know, that's not half bad. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: (2) BYRD I'm telling ya. And... And sometimes you can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful tv producer, above suspicion, chaperones the young couple, and while you're there, blam! you take care of some Company business. It's the perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative by night. BARRIS I told you, I don't have to kill people for money anymore. BYRD Chuck, when I said you fit our profile, very little of that had to do with you needing the money. Some of it, but very little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but you botched it. Don't you want to get really good at something, Chuck? Barris stares at Byrd. INT. BOOTH (DATING GAME SHOW) - DAY The director calls the shots. Barris stands in the back watching the show in progress. On the stage is a pretty blonde bachelorette in a short black dress and three bachelors. Bachelors two and three are attractive and stylishly dressed and groomed. Bachelor one is a fat, not- too-bright looking guy in a yellow-ochre leisure suit. His slow, unfocused delivery contrasts with the fast, sharp chatter in the booth. DIRECTOR (rapidly) Ready one, take one. Ready three, take three. Ready one, take one. BLONDE BACHELORETTE Number one, can you please tell me what a girl is like who hasn't been on a date before and how you can tell she hasn't been on a date before? DIRECTOR Ready two, take two. This guy has never been on a date. Everyone in the booth laughs. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: FAT BACHELOR Well... BARRIS Jesus, she's gotta pick this guy. This is just too good. FAT BACHELOR ... I'll ask her what she likes to do and -- DIRECTOR Ready one, take one. Ready two, take two. FAT BACHELOR And if she doesn't know what she likes to do -- DIRECTOR Ready three, take three. The only date he's ever had is with his right hand. Guys in booth laugh, except Barris. FAT BACHELOR ... then I'll know she hasn't done it yet. EXT. PICCADILLY CIRCUS - DAY SUBTITLE: LONDON, 1967 It's all mod and colorful. Chuck Barris shuffles along, taking in the sights with the Dating Game couple. The blonde bachelorette did indeed pick the fat guy. But it's clear she thinks she made a mistake and pays him no attention whatsoever, walking about twenty feet in front of him and Barris. Barris seems bored. INT. PUB - DAY Barris enters the pub alone. He's dressed in a blonde wig and moustache and glasses. It's crowded and he searches the room for someone. He spots a pretty young woman by herself at a table. She wears white go-go boots. BARRIS Excuse me, is this seat taken? WOMAN By you. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: Barris sits across from the woman. BARRIS London is wonderful this time of year, isn't it. WOMAN Yes it is. BARRIS (beat) Oh. Sorry. Barris gets up, glances around, spots another pretty young woman in white go-go boots, sitting by herself. He approaches her. BARRIS (CONT'D) Excuse me, is this seat taken? PATRICIA By you. Barris sits. BARRIS London is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? PATRICIA Especially the fog. It affords one solitude, even in a city full of people. BARRIS I'm Chuck. PATRICIA Yes, I gathered. BARRIS And you are? PATRICIA (smiles) Here you go, Chuck. She hands him a manila envelope, and stands to leave. BARRIS At least give me a made-up name. Something for me to cry out during those dark nights of the soul. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: (2) PATRICIA Cry out, "Olivia!" BARRIS That's Twelfth Night. PATRICIA Very good, Chuck. I'm pleasantly surprised. You're not like the other murderers. She smiles and leaves. Barris watches after her, then opens the envelope and pulls out a black and white photo of a man. EXT. WESTMINISTER ABBEY - DAY It's raining. A bored Barris, dressed normally, waits with the fat bachelor under an umbrella near the entrance. The fat bachelor checks his watch. FAT BACHELOR I thinks he's really pretty and I want to be her boyfriend. EXT. CHURCH COURTYARD - NIGHT Barris, in wig and moustache, stands in the middle of the empty, dark courtyard. ENGLISHMAN (loud whisper) Here. Barris approaches. BARRIS Do you have it? ENGLISHMAN Do you have it? BARRIS Sorry. Yeah. Barris reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope. The Englishman takes it, opens it, pulls out a wad of cash and counts. BARRIS (CONT'D) Don't worry, we're not gonna cheat you. ENGLISHMAN Just the same. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: The Englishman finishes counting the money, pockets it, and hands Barris a box of Polaroid film. BARRIS Thank you. Oh, one more thing. Barris pulls out his automatic with attached silencer and jams it into the Englishman's mouth. The silencer breaks the man's front teeth. The man makes a muffled grunt. BARRIS (CONT'D) Sorry about your teeth. The Englishman's eyes are wide with terror. Barris pulls the trigger three times. The back of the Englishman's head explodes. Blood and hair and brain are spattered against the church wall. The Englishman slumps to the ground. Barris reaches into the man's jacket, pulls out the envelope of money, pockets it, and makes his way toward the churchyard gate. There stands the fat bachelor, watching, confused. After the initial shock, Barris smiles warmly. BARRIS (CONT'D) It's Ronnie, isn't it? The fat bachelor nods. BARRIS (CONT'D) C'mere, Ronnie. I want to show you something neat. It's okay. The fat bachelor enters the courtyard. EXT. TERRACE - DAY ACTUAL BARRIS I felt bad about Ronnie. But really I did that ugly, fat, stupid kid a favor. He was ugly and fat and stupid. More life wouldn't have changed that for him. No woman would ever have loved him. That's just the brutal truth, y'know? INT. LONDON HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Barris enters the room, shaky and scared. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Barris rips open the Polaroid box, pulls out the foil paper that protects the film, rips that open and pulls out a small white plastic vial. Barris greases the vial with Vaseline and sticks it up his ass. (CONTINUED) 55. CONTINUED: He looks at himself in the mirror, naked and pathetic. There is a knock at the door. He stiffens, grabs his gun and pads out of the bathroom. INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Barris peeks out the peephole. We see a fish-eye view of Patricia Watson. BARRIS Olivia? PATRICIA It's Patricia, actually. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER Barris and Patricia sit sipping champagne. Both are drunk. PATRICIA ... and so then I spent a year in Operation Chaos, inside the anti-war movement as an agent provocateur, nudging it toward violence in order to discred it. That was fun. I got to wear granny glasses. BARRIS Sounds fun. So tell me, Patricia, why'd you come up here tonight? PATRICIA I don't know. You're sort of cute in a homely way. And it's always lonely when that civilian you're fucking calls out the name off your fake passport. BARRIS "All the information I have about myself is from forged documents." PATRICIA Nabokov. Barris is thrilled and kisses her. It begins to turn hot and heavy. Suddenly Barris pulls away. BARRIS Actually, I just gotta go into the bathroom and take care of something. (CONTINUED) 56. CONTINUED: PATRICIA No, baby. Leave the microfilm in. EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - DAY A plane lands. INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT TERMINAL, CUSTOMS - DAY Barris waits sweatily in line with a small a carry-on suitcase. When the line moves, he walks as if perhaps he has something up his ass. A customs agent walks past the line with a dog. The dog sniffs Barris's ass in passing. EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY Barris steps out of the terminal. A black limo pulls up. The back door opens and Barris gets in. INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS Seated in the back are Jim Byrd and Simon Oliver, 50. Oliver is pure ivy league with a pipe. When he speaks it is with an affected British accent. Byrd is pissy. BYRD Hey, buddy. This is Simon Oliver. BARRIS Hey. BYRD Everything go okay? You don't look too good. OLIVER Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize one of my missions by killing a game show contestant. Is that understood? BARRIS You're welcome, pal. OLIVER Do I make myself clear? BARRIS Fuck you! They're my contestants. OLIVER Amateur. (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: BARRIS Faggot. BYRD Chuck -- OLIVER Lovely. Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm? BARRIS Yeah, I got it. OLIVER Let's have it then. BARRIS It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you reach on up there and get it. Oliver tamps his pipe. Byrd stares down at his thumbs. BARRIS (CONT'D) I just feel I deserve some appreciation for my efforts. OLIVER What do you think Patricia Watson was? Barris looks at Byrd. Byrd almost imperceptibly shakes his head "no." BARRIS Prick. INT. BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - DAY Barris, now in t-shirt and jeans, shuffles through the busy bullpen area. Employees wave, say "hi", give Barris the peace sign. He returns the gestures, but halfheartedly. He seems depressed. Loretta sidles up beside him. LORETTA Well, if isn't the hitman. BARRIS (turning, wild-eyed) What? OFFICE WORKERS Hitman! Hitman! Hitman! Hitman! (CONTINUED) 58. CONTINUED: LORETTA I said, well, if it isn't the hitman. Just heard through the grapevine that ABC is going to pick up The Newlywed Game. BARRIS You're kidding me. LORETTA Not kidding you. Day-time and prime- time. BARRIS Oh, fuck, Loretta. That's sensational! Barris kisses Loretta. OFFICE WORKERS Hitman! Hitman! Hitman! Barris joins them chanting "Hitman" and dances around the office. EXT. TERRACE - DAY ACTUAL BARRIS The Newlywed Game was based on my theory that almost any American would sell out their spouse for a washer-drier or a lawnmower you can ride on. Such was my respect for that most holy of unions. I must've been on to something, because the show aired for thirteen years. EXT. MUSTANG CONVERTIBLE - DAY Barris speeds through the curvy streets of the Hollywood Hills. Penny Pacino, dressed as a hippy, sits in the front passenger seat. SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD HILLS, 1969 PENNY Great wheels, man. BARRIS Yeah, I decided to start treating myself right. You spend so much time denying yourself things. Life's too short. PENNY Yeah, I really gork what you're saying, man. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: BARRIS You really grok what I'm saying, man. Not gork. PENNY Oh. (beat) Really? The car screeches to a halt in front of a fancy house with a "For Sale, Open House" sign out front. INT. FANCY HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER The house is empty. Barris and Penny are greeted at the door by a real estate agent. PENNY (looking around) Outa sight! Buy this one. REAL ESTATE AGENT Hi. Welcome, folks. If you wouldn't mind signing-in on our sheet over th -- BARRIS I'll take it. REAL ESTATE AGENT I'm sorry? BARRIS I'll take the house. PENNY Yay! Penny happily kisses Barris. REAL ESTATE AGENT (beat) Very good, sir. INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Barris and Penny are having sex on the floor. PENNY So, man, are you seeing anyone? BARRIS Nobody serious. You? (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: PENNY No. I think we should get married. BARRIS Aw, Pen, don't start -- PENNY No, listen, it makes sense. You and I feel exactly the same about marriage, right? How much bullshit it is, right? And the odds of us finding someone else with the exact same view on it are small. So, it makes sense. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Barris, 50, types away. He is sweaty and naked except for a towel draped over his head. BARRIS (V.O.) I liked Penny. I even loved her in my way. But the idea of tying myself down for the rest of my life... I remember my parents' marriage. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CHILDHOOD KITCHEN - NIGHT Barris, five, sits at the dinner table with his parents. His father, dressed in a dental smock, stares down at his plate as he eats. His mother absently chews and stares vacantly into space. MOTHER We need a new ice box. The father shrugs. INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY The set, which holds four couples, divides in the middle to reveal a new refrigerator. ANNOUNCER A brand new Amana refrigerator-freezer with automatic ice maker! One of the couples is cheering and screaming hysterically, happy and in love and kissing. The other couples look disappointed and angry at their spouses. We pull back to reveal we're watching this on a tv in: 61. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - MORNING The office is filled to capacity with with hippy-like employees watching The Newlywed Game. Many sit on the floor, jammed up against each other. A few women are nursing infants. Someone passes a joint. Barris sits behind his desk, with a "Make Love Not War" helmet on his head, his feet up, and a guitar in his lap. BARRIS Beautiful. Did you see that? How much they loved each other just then? That's what it's all about, kiddies. Everyone agrees. Someone switches off the tv. BARRIS (CONT'D) Okay, guys, new business. We're winning our slots every week. Everyone cheers. BARRIS (CONT'D) But that means we need you Bandits to get on the contestant mill. Our supply of dumbfucks is lagging behind our demand for dumbfucks. And I'm gonna be introducing three new shows in the coming months: The Parent Game, The Game Game, and the Dollar Ninety-Eight Beauty Pageant, so we're gonna really need you guys to carry your weight. Nuff said. Any other business? EMPLOYEE #1 Yeah. Rick took four slices of pizza at lunch yesterday. Everyone else only got two. BARRIS Oooh. Is that true, Rick? Where are you? RICK Here. No, it's not true. BARRIS Any other witnesses to this alleged infraction? EMPLOYEE #2 I saw it. He took four. I only got one. (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: BARRIS Rick, you're dead meat, buddy. (shoots Rick with finger) I sentence you to... dance for us in today's post-meeting version of "Out of Limits" featuring the musical stylings of the CBP Stompers. Everyone cheers. RICK Aw, Chuck. BARRIS Get up here, you rascule, you. Rick heads up to Barris's desk. Everyone laughs. A few employees have joined Barris at his desk with instruments. They break into a raucous banjo version of "Out of Limits." Rick dances. Everyone's laughing and clapping. MONTAGE As "Out of Limits" continues, now the actual version, we see montage of Barris shooting, stabbing, and garroting various foreign-looking people in strange, murky locations intercut with Barris having sex with Patricia Watson in different bedrooms and motel rooms, Barris dancing with Patricia in various exotic locales, and Barris on the set for his many game shows, happily directing the bustling activity. INT. RANCH-STYLE LIVING ROOM - DAY The actual Jim Lange, host of The Dating Game. JIM LANGE Sometimes Chuck would just disappear for weeks. I remember once we had a conflict on the set over the right way to throw that kiss at the end of the show, y'know... (demonstrates kiss) ... and Chuck was just not reachable to resolve it. INTERVIEWER (O.C.) What was the conflict? JIM LANGE Look, it's water under the bridge. I'm not gonna talk about it. 63. INT. BARRIS'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The previously bare room is now filled with lovely and expensive furnishings. But Barris and Penny are again on the floor, now playing Scrabble by candlelight. Penny lays down some tiles: I-N-T-E-R-P-E-T BARRIS The word's interpret. PENNY Interpet. BARRIS Interpret. PENNY Well, do you have an extra "r" then I could borrow? BARRIS I'm not going to give you a letter. You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn. PENNY Oh. Okay. Penny retrieves her letters and studies the board. Barris empties the wine into Penny's glass. There wasn't much left. BARRIS I'll run to the store and get some more. PENNY All right. BARRIS Don't cheat. PENNY You neither. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT Barris pulls up in a Jaguar XKE convertible. A pretty, innocent-looking young woman, Monica, is emerging with a big laundry bag from the laundromat next to the liquor store. She glances, momentarily, at the Jaguar and at Barris. 64. INT. BARRIS'S LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER Barris enters with a bottle of wine. Penny is in the same position on the floor. PENNY Intrepet's a word, right? BARRIS Intrepid. PENNY Shit fuck piss. (concentrating) Okay okay okay... BARRIS Pen, we should call it a night. I'm kinda tired. PENNY You're tired. BARRIS I got a date. PENNY Since when? BARRIS I just met this girl. PENNY Like, just now ? You mean just now? BARRIS Yeah. Kinda. PENNY Well, that's rude. BARRIS Sorry. PENNY Yeah, well, see ya... Penny picks up her bag and exits in a huff. INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM - LATER It's a young woman's apartment, small and girly. The doorbell rings. (CONTINUED) 65. CONTINUED: Monica, clearly not out of her teens, enters the room and answers the door. Barris stands there with the bottle of wine. BARRIS Hi! MONICA Hi! BARRIS Wow, this is a beautiful place you got! Barris enters, looks around. There's another teenage girl in pajamas in the kitchenette, mixing tuna salad. ROOMMATE Hi. BARRIS Hi. MONICA Chuck, this is Mindy, one of my roommates. BARRIS Hi. MONICA Have a seat. Barris sits on the couch. Monica sits next to him. Mindy is in the background, futzing around in the kitchen area. MONICA (CONT'D) So... have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior, Chuck? BARRIS (beat) Yes, I have. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER Barris, Monica, and Mindy sit on the couch watching a religious show on television. 66. EXT. TERRACE - DAY ACTUAL BARRIS Yeah, I remember that religious girl, sure. Monica Something. Fleming. Oh God, she had the softest, fleeciest clam I ever experienced. It took a little more work than usual, but I got in there, baby. (smacks lips, then stares off into space) It was some clam. Oh Lordy. You get old, y'know, but the taste for soft clam, it just doesn't go away. This is the great tragedy of getting old. INT. BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - DAY The room is abuzz with activity. Lots of people on the phone talking. A potential Newlywed Game couple being interviewed. Monica sits in the waiting area, eavesdrops on the interview with the Newlywed Couple. WOMAN Getting married to Alan is the best thing I've ever done. It's just so wonderful knowing that you've got someone by your side through everything for he rest of your life. The couple kisses. LORETTA 'kay, Mon. He's off. Monica enters the office. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Monica enters. Barris wears a deerstalker cap. BARRIS My sweet little clamato. Monica leans down and kisses Barris. MONICA I'm pregnant. Barris's eye twitches. (CONTINUED) 67. CONTINUED: MONICA (CONT'D) (crying) I can't be pregnant, Chuck. BARRIS Is it mine? Monica looks at him incredulously, flings an ashtray at him, misses. She sits at the desk, looks glumly out the window. MONICA I can't believe you asked me that. BARRIS I know. I'm sorry. (beat) But you're sure, right? MONICA I hate you so much right now. BARRIS Look, we'll take care of it. MONICA How? Are you gonna marry me? BARRIS (carefully) Well, no. Not at this point. MONICA I'm not murdering my baby! (weeping) I can't... do that. Please... Barris sighs. He touches Monica's hand. INT. AIRPLANE - DAY Barris and Monica sit in first class. Barris stares out the window. Monica stares straight ahead. BARRIS Beautiful country, isn't it? EXT. MEXICAN ALLEY - DAY Barris leads a crying Monica down the garbage-strewn alley. They find a doorway. Barris opens it. BARRIS Here we are. (CONTINUED) 68. CONTINUED: MONICA (collapsing) I can't I can't I can't I can't... Barris supports her and leads her into the office. BARRIS It's okay. It'll be okay. EXT. SCULPTURE GARDEN, UCLA - DAY Barris and Penny walk sadly through the garden. PENNY What a waste. BARRIS Tell me about it. I figure over the years I must've spent close to twenty grand on these abortions: airfare, hotels, doctors, gifts. PENNY That's not what I meant. BARRIS And I don't even know how many of these fetuses were mine. That's what really kills me. A SERIES OF SHOTS IN VARIOUS LOCALES OF MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN WITH PAIN-ETCHED FACES, ADDRESSING THE CAMERA. WOMAN #1 It was his. WOMAN #2 Yeah. It was his. WOMAN #3 It wasn't his. I lied. WOMAN #4 Yes, it was his baby. WOMAN #5 Yeah. WOMAN #6 The godamn son of a bitch. He asked you to ask me this? (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: WOMAN #7 I was screwing a lot of guys at the time. It coulda been his. WOMAN #8 Uh-uh. I just needed someone to pay for it. He was a wallet with legs. WOMAN #9 Yeah, I was just a kid. It ruined my life. EXT. TERRACE - DAY ACTUAL BARRIS I don't really want to talk about this. We hold on a silent Barris. EXT. SCULPTURE GARDEN - DAY Barris and Penny walk in silence. PENNY So I'm assuming this means Monica is out of the picture. BARRIS Yeah, I got baptized for nothing. PENNY Chuck, I was thinking... I have this plan now, now that you're free -- BARRIS God, you look cute today. PENNY I always look cute. Don't distract me. What was I going to say? BARRIS I don't know. PENNY You do know. (enthusiastically charged) Chuck, why don't we get married? We've known each other forever. We've fucked each other forever. You think I'm cute, you just said. You always come to me when you're in trouble. And you're almost forty, Chuck. (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: Barris turns violently toward Penny. BARRIS (shouting) I know how old I almost am! That's it. Don't ever ask me to marry you again! PENNY (quietly) I won't. INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Barris and Penny are having sex. It is gentle and quiet. Penny is crying, trying to conceal it. Barris notices. BARRIS I'm sorry I yelled at you today, Pen. PENNY I'm not crying because you yelled at me. This is it, isn't it? This is us. Barris studies Penny's face in the dim light. EXT. TERRACE - DAY The actual Barris puffs on his cigar. ACTUAL BARRIS I almost asked Penny to marry me right then. But I didn't. INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Barris sits naked on the bed, swigging from a bottle of vodka, as a prostitute in a black dress and veil sings "Happy Birthday" to him. When she's done, she lifts the veil, looks confused. PROSTITUTE Is that right? INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY Barris sits staring out the window. His mood is somber. On the table beside him are many birthday cards. The anarchic and youthful decor of the office seems to mock Barris now. Loretta enters. LORETTA Chuck? (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: No response. LORETTA (CONT'D) Chuck? BARRIS (not turning) Uh. LORETTA Rod Flexner's here. BARRIS Shit piss fuck, send him in. Flexner enters. He's a suit. FLEXNER Chuck! Great to see you. BARRIS What's up, Rod? FLEXNER Well, the thing is, Chuck, some of your shows aren't doing too well in the old ratings war. The Family Game, for one. BARRIS Okay. We move into Barris's eyes. INT. FAMILY GAME SET The show is in progress. Suddenly shots are fired from offstage. The host and contestants are slaughtered. It's bloody and violent. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY We're on Barris's eyes. FLEXNER And How's Your Mother-in-Law is, quite frankly, in the toilet, Chuck. INT. HOW'S YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW SET A mother-in-law is being garotted with piano wire. Her neck is sliced. Blood spurts. 72. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY FLEXNER Now, as you know, Dream Girl is flailing terribly. INT. DREAM GIRL SET Dream Girls lie bloody and flailing all over the set. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY FLEXNER And The Game Game has no life in it at all. INT. GAME GAME SET The contestants on the set are all bloody and dead. An applause light flashes on and off, but the audience members are also dead. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY FLEXNER So I've been put in the unfortunate position of having to inform you that the network is canceling all four of these shows. Now don't shoot me, Chuck, I'm just the messenger. INT. BAR - NIGHT Barris drinks alone. He's sullen and sauced. BARRIS (to bartender) They killed my babies. Just like that. I pushed them into the world through the birth canal of my imagination. Lovingly. Tenderly. Where's the humanity of these people? BARTENDER The fucking bastards. BARRIS What am I gonna do now? (sees pretty woman) Hey there, can I buy you a drink? (CONTINUED) 73. CONTINUED: LARGE MAN What are you blind, asshole? This lady's with me. BARRIS (screaming) Fuck you! The large man stands to face Barris. He is very large. Barris stands. The man swings at Barris. Barris easily deflects the punch, grabs the man's forearm and breaks it with a sickening crack. The man screams. Barris gets him in a chokehold from behind. The man whimpers and gags. BARRIS (CONT'D) Let's see, if I remember correctly, the next move breaks your neck, which kills you instantly or paralyzes you. Depending on your luck. LARGE MAN Please. BARRIS (lets go) Get out of here, you pussy faggot piece of shit dog-shit shithead. The large man hurries from the bar. Everyone in the bar, including the large man's date, watches Barris. BARRIS (CONT'D) (to the woman) Hi. I'm Chuck Barris, tv producer. Have you ever done any acting? INT. BARRIS'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Barris and the woman from the bar are having sex on the couch. Penny enters. PENNY Hey, I was just in the -- Penny sees Barris and the woman. PENNY (CONT'D) What is she doing here, man? BARRIS She's -- (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: PENNY This is our house, man. Our house! It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs. But this is our house! BARRIS This is not our house, it's my house. PENNY It's our house! I found it with you. I decorated it for you! I spent six months sitting on that fucking couch she's fucking you on, fucking waiting for the fucking plumbers to come! God, you are such an asshole! Penny throws the house key at Barris. It hits him in the forehead. Then she turns and storms from the house. Barris looks over at the woman. She looks confused. WOMAN I should go. This doesn't feel right. The woman stands, grabs her purse, pulls out an 8x10 glossy of herself and hands it to Barris, then exits. Barris stares at the photo for a moment, then opens a drawer and puts on top of a pile of similar photos. EXT. PENNY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Barris pulls up, gets out of his car, and heads toward the building. INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT Barris walks down the hall, carrying a bouquet of flowers. He arrives at Penny's door. There is an envelope attached to it with Barris's name on it. He opens the envelope and reads the letter. Dear Chuck, I'm dead now. I hope you're happy. The door's open. Love always, Penny Barris hurriedly opens the door, enters the apartment looks around, finds Penny face down on the floor, surrounded by empty champagne bottles and vials of pills. He stares at her body for a moment, feeling faint. He drops to his knees. (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: PENNY (face down) Wanna see a stupid girl vomit? INT. DINER - NIGHT Barris and Penny sit in a booth. Penny has black coffee in front of her. She is pale and drawn. PENNY Why were you with that girl in our living room? BARRIS It's not our living room, Pen. PENNY That's your defense? You know what it feels like to see you with someone else? In any living room. BARRIS You know who I am, Penny. I don't force you to hang around. PENNY (incredulous) You don't force me? Fuck. So you're saying you have no interest in this, one way or the other? BARRIS No, I'm not saying that. PENNY Well, then, what are you saying, Chuck? Do you want me around or not? Do you even like me? BARRIS Of course I like you. PENNY How much? BARRIS What? PENNY I need to know how much you like me. (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: BARRIS (beat) I don't even know what that means, "how much?" How can I rate a person in that way? That's ridiculous. PENNY You could if you felt it. If you felt it, it would be easy to rate me. You could spread your arms as wide as they would go and say, "This much, Penny." BARRIS Everything's complicated, Pen. Nothing's black and white like that. PENNY Do you want me around or not? If you don't, just say so, so I know. Okay? Barris and Penny look at each other. She starts to cry. BARRIS I love you, Pen, in my way. Maybe not in that crazy, head-over-heels thing, but what is that, anyway? Romantic love. Isn't that just an illusion? PENNY (beat) But you just said you love me, right? EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT A non-descript American car is parked on the quiet wooded street. Barris pulls up in his Jaguar. He gets out of the car, looks in the window of the empty American car. BYRD (O.S.) Over here, Strawberry-dick. Barris looks over and makes out Byrd sitting on a rock with a view of L.A. spread out in front of him. Barris joins him. BARRIS Jesus, how do you know these things? BYRD We even know what she actually thought it tasted like. (CONTINUED) 77. CONTINUED: BARRIS Really? I could never find that out. What did she think? BYRD It's a "need to know", my friend. So tell me, what can I do you for? BARRIS I could really use an assignment, Jim. To straighten my head. BYRD I got something for your head. INT. DATING GAME SET A Dating Game couple waits anxiously for host Jim Lange to announce their destination. JIM LANGE ... and we're the sending the two of you for three days and three nights to beautiful... West Berlin! The couple screams excitedly by reflect, but as the destination sinks in, their perplexity becomes apparent. EXT. WEST BERLIN STREET - DAY Barris and the Dating Game couple walk along. It's cold and gray and they all wear heavy coats. The couple wear cameras around their necks. Nobody looks happy. INT. BEER HALL - NIGHT Barris sits in the corner of this noisy, smoky place. He has a stein of beer and reads a paper as a group of drunken Germans in the background sing a song. Patricia Watson approaches and sits. Barris looks up and smiles. BARRIS Treesh. PATRICIA Leibchen. (kisses him, sits) So, here's what we got. Name's Hans Colbert. (pulls out photos) Other side of the wall. We don't like him very much. (CONTINUED) 78. CONTINUED: BARRIS (singing Toot-toot-tootsie) Bye-bye, Colbert, bye-bye. PATRICIA You'll work with a kraut named Keeler. He's been trailing Colbert for a month now. Knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk, so you stay sober and take charge. BARRIS (collecting photos) Done and done. See you after? PATRICIA Prove how much you love me, baby. Kill for me. Then I'm all yours. INT. TUNNEL - DAY Barris crawls through a long dirt tunnel. Telephone cables run along the floor. An occasional bare bulb lights the way. INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM - DAY A middle-aged man stands in his underwear at a mirror and shaves. The stall shower pushes away from the wall revealing a hole. Barris steps through it, covered in dust. He nods at the shaving man. He nods back, hands Barris a gun and a change of clothes, and continues shaving. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Barris exits the apartment building in the clean clothes. We see the East Berlin side of the wall in the background. A car pulls up and Barris gets in. INT. CAR, RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY Barris sits in the parked car with Keeler, a heavyset, silent German man with nicotine stained fingers and teeth. He is constantly smoking and writing in a tiny notebook. There is a long silence. BARRIS What you writing, Sig? KEELER I am keeping track of all the goings on on this street. Barris looks out the window. There is nothing going on, yet Keeler keeps writing. More silence. (CONTINUED) 79. CONTINUED: BARRIS Hey, Keeler, a bird just flew by. KEELER Yah. I know how to do my job. DISSOLVE TO: INT. PARKED CAR - NIGHT Barris and Keeler are still in the car. Keeler continues to smoke and write. A well-rested, happy-looking Colbert walks by with a group of people. DISSOLVE TO: INT. PARKED CAR - AFTERNOON Barris looks even more sickly. Colbert rides by happily on a tandem bike with a lovely woman on the back. Keeler continues to smoke and write. DISSOLVE TO: INT. PARKED CAR - EVENING Barris and Keeler wait in the car. Colbert emerges from his house, alone, and walks toward the car. A drained Barris sighs a sigh of relief, then suddenly and with unexpected force, Keeler swings open the passenger door. The door hits a stunned Colbert and sends him flying. Keeler races around the car, grabs Colbert, throws him into the back seat, and jumps on top of him. Barris watches, surprised at the dramatic personality shift in Keeler. Keeler is strangling Colbert. A cigarettes is dangling casually from his lips as he does this. Keeler turns Colbert over so he's facing him, so he can watch him die. KEELER (calmly to Barris) Under the seat, please. Barris reaches under the seat, pulls out a Polaroid camera. KEELER (CONT'D) Please, if you don't mind, a photograph. To remember. Barris is stunned, scared. He takes the photo. The flash illuminates the bulging-eyed Colbert and the calm Keeler. 80. INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING Barris types. A knock at the door. He looks up, panicked. BARRIS (falsetto) Who is it? HOUSEKEEPER (O.S.) Housekeeping, Mr. Barris. Barris looks around. The place is a disaster. Food wrappers, crumpled papers, liquor bottles, strewn clothing, plastic army men set up for battle. He gets up, puts on a hotel bathrobe and his hat, grabs his gun, checks the peephole for a long moment, and answers the door. The housekeeper is plump and kind-looking. BARRIS Good morning, Mrs. Reynolds. HOUSEKEEPER (looking around) Another rough night, huh? BARRIS (tapping his head) The human psyche is a wondrous thing. HOUSEKEEPER (smiling maternally) Yes, I know it is. (taking gun) We don't need this now, do we? Why don't we just put this away? She puts the gun in a drawer, starts to pick up. Barris watches her, then: BARRIS Mrs. Reynolds, may I rest my head on your bosom for a little while? HOUSEKEEPER Oh, that doesn't really seem like a very good idea, Mr. Barris. BARRIS I'm sorry. You're right. I just... I'm just without... comfort of any sort, and I... please forgive me. (CONTINUED) 81. CONTINUED: HOUSEKEEPER (smiles at him) No harm done. Barris smacks himself in the head. BARRIS (bowing) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are a scholar and... HOUSEKEEPER It's fine, sir. BARRIS Mrs. Reynolds, what do you suppose God thinks of someone like me? HOUSEKEEPER God? BARRIS Yes, God. HOUSEKEEPER Well, Mr. Barris, your television shows have brought laughter and joy to millions of people. That's a very important thing, I think, in these difficult times. I would imagine God likes you very much. Barris smiles a rubber-band smile. BARRIS Thank you, that's very kind. (glances at her ample bosom) So... I should get back to... HOUSEKEEPER Yes, of course, sir. Don't mind me. Barris resumes typing. The housekeeper cleans. EXT. EAST BERLIN STREET - EARLY MORNING A hollow-eyed Barris approaches the building that conceals the tunnel entrance. Suddenly there's a commotion on the quiet street. The shaving man is being led handcuffed out of the building by two trench-coated men. They shove him into a car. Barris continues to walk by, betraying no interest. He glances casually into the entranceway of the apartment building. Another trenchcoated man waits inside the shadows. (CONTINUED) 82. CONTINUED: The car drives away. Barris stops at the end of the block, stares at the imposing wall. BARRIS I'm really, really fucked. Another car pulls up next to him. Picard, a serious-looking Frenchman, sticks his head out the window. PICARD Get in. BARRIS What? Who the hell are you? PICARD No time. Get in or die. Barris hesitates, gets in. The car screeches off. INT. PICARD'S CAR - CONTINUOUS Picard drives fast. Barris eyes him suspiciously, fingers his gun. Picard spots a Fiat in his rearview mirror. PICARD Merde. KGB. They know who you are, Monsieur Barris. It is their intention to kill you very much in East Berlin. Barris checks in the passenger side mirror. BARRIS Merde! MERDE! PICARD Not to worry, my friend. Picard speeds up dramatically, but continues to drive calmly. Barris is agitated. PICARD (CONT'D) I am Paul Picard, by the way. Nice to meet you. Do not worry, I am not KGB. I do not want to kill you, I want you to live a long happy life and have many dancing grandchildren to admire. Picard screeches around a corner, then another one. He's lost the Fiat, for the moment. 83. EXT. QUIET EAST BERLIN STREET - EARLY MORNING Picard's car stops at the curb. Picard and Barris emerge. Picard opens the trunk. He lifts out a big folded-up clump of rubber with a an engine mounted on it. BARRIS What the hell is that? PICARD Your ride, Monsieur Barris. Picard unfolds the rubber mass. He pulls a cord and it begins to inflate. It is an airplane, a one person inflatable plane. BARRIS No fucking way. PICARD It's quite reliable and easy to operate. It will get you over the wall. Or you can stay here. In the German Democratic Republic. I will arrange for you to get a good factory job. No, you must fly, like Daedalus before you, to the freedom of the west. BARRIS Christ. What about you? PICARD They do not catch me, monsieur. This is my talent, to get away always. In guerre. In amour. This is my talent, and perhaps this is my curse. EXT. BERLIN WALL - DAY The fully-inflated rubber plane flies down the street, dipping and rising erratically. The noise is deafening. Barris lies on his stomach and steers, looking petrified. He approaches the wall and manages to get the plane over it. The plane is shot by a soldier. Air hisses out. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY Barris sits on a park bench. Jim Byrd approaches, sits. BYRD (chuckling) So, did you have a nice flight? (CONTINUED) 84. CONTINUED: BARRIS Fuck you, Jim. It was terrifying. BYRD Seems the KGB knew exactly what you were up to. You were there to kill Colbert, they were there to kill you. I'm thinking we got a mole. So much hate in the world, Chuck. BARRIS Am I in danger still? BYRD Jesus, yes. KGB didn't go out of business since yesterday, so far as I know. You're fucked, Chuck. But our main concern should be: if they know who you are, they know who I am. BARRIS Fuck off. What do we do? BYRD Bow out. Lay low. That's what I'm gonna do. You're lucky you have another career to immerse yourself in. INT. REHEARSAL HALL - DAY Barris sits with a several network executive and some other staff members watching a fat man tap dance badly and, because of his weight, extremely loudly. It's painful for everybody to watch. The fat man finishes. BARRIS Thank you. Thanks. That was great. The fat smiles and exits. Barris puts his head in his hands. EXECUTIVE WOMAN I don't know, Chuck. It's looking bleak. BARRIS There's gotta be somebody in America with some talent. Ted Mack got bookings every week. The executives look at each other. BARRIS (CONT'D) Bring in the next thing. (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: An assistant opens the door and a middle-aged woman in pale blue polyester pants and Joan Crawford painted on eyebrows enters with a guitar. She begins to sing a folk song, very sincerely, in a very off-key monotone. It's unbearable and depressing. Barris glances over at the executive; she's checking her watch again. The song is endless. Barris's eyes grow cloudy. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FIELD - DAY This is the same field where Renda was shot. Now, the folksinging woman is in the field singing. Barris pulls out a gun and aims it at the woman. Her eyes widen in terror, but she keeps singing. A church bell chimes and Barris shoots her. She flies back, spurting blood. Her guitar hits the ground with a twang. INT. REHEARSAL HALL - DAY Barris snaps out of his fantasy with renewed energy The folksinger is still droning on. BARRIS (ushering out) Thank you. Thank you. We'll be in touch. That was wonderful. Barris closes the door behind the folksinger and turns to the executives. BARRIS (CONT'D) We've been going about this all wrong. Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts, we just book bad ones and kill them. EXECUTIVE #2 Chuck, it's torture to sit through even one of these people -- BARRIS We kill 'em before they're through. As soon as it gets unbearable, we kill 'em. Dead. EXECUTIVE WOMAN For God's sake, what are you talking about? (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: BARRIS Celebrity judges ring a bell to end the act... to kill 'em. And when you kill something, it stops. This I know to be true. INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY Barris and some suits watch from the booth as an octogenarian woman on stage sings "Born Free" in an impossibly high voice. Jamie Farr gongs the woman. The woman is angry. A vacuous host with great hair appears next to the woman. He seems genuinely agitated. HOST Why'd you do that, Jamie? This is someone's grandmother. She was really trying. JAMIE FARR This is The Gong Show, not the Van Cliburn eliminations. HOST This is a human being with aspirations. BARRIS (muttering) Oh, fuck me. This guy sucks. He's bringing everyone down. The executives eye each other. EXECUTIVE WOMAN None of the hosts are getting it, Chuck. But we have a thought. BARRIS What? EXECUTIVE WOMAN You host. All the executives smile at Barris. EXECUTIVE WOMAN (CONT'D) You get it. And we believe your awkward, non-professional, mumbling persona is exactly right for the show. BARRIS I don't want to be on tv. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: EXECUTIVE WOMAN Listen, we can't sit through anymore of these test shows. Do it, Chuck, or we advise the network to pull it. INT. BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - NIGHT Barris switches on the lights, walks through the empty bullpen area to his office, unlocks the door, enters. INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Barris enters, stares out the window, looks at himself in a full-length mirror. BARRIS (stiff) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Gong Show! I'm your host, Chuck Barris! (turns away in disgust) Ucchhh. Barris sits behind his desk, draws a line down a piece of paper and writes "Pros" and "Cons" at the top of the page. He thinks. Under "Pros" he writes "Become National Celebrity", "Get More Attention from Stewardesses", "Even more women will want to have sex with me". Under "Cons" he writes: "Easier target for KGB." He gets up, paces. Suddenly, a shot rings out. It comes through the window and shatters the mirror. Barris dives to the floor. More shots, crazy relentless shooting. Barris crawls on his belly to the window, carefully reaches up and lowers the venetian blinds just as another shot whizzes through. The blinds explode. The shooting stops He waits on the floor, shaking like a leaf. He pulls the list off his desk and writes under "Pro": "I need another hit before I die." INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY Center-stage is empty. The band begins to play. The studio audience cheers. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And now, here's the host and star of our show, Chuck Barris! The curtain rises. Barris appears in a tuxedo coat, denim work shirt, cowboy boots and a hat pulled down over his eyes. BARRIS Welcome to The Gong Show. Here's an esoteric act if there ever was one. Ephemeral. It's an epheme