When my iMessages get ignored, I do the one surefire thing to get me some much-needed attention (I live and breathe it, can you tell?): I lay a thirst-trap. Oh, and I down some Henny, but that's neither here nor there.

My booze-Instagram-attention cocktail can only take a girl so far, though. I ran out of sly poses pretty quickly. So I went to the queen of plandid, Kim Kardashian, and sought out recreating her most iconic looks for my own grid.

Here's how my plus-size copycat plan went:

First, I started with Kim's 'Thong Gaze' thirst trap

I love when girls pretend not to notice being photographed. It's like the image that sits adjacent to the definition of plausible deniability.

Now when Kim posed for this thirst trap, she looks super flawless. But my thighs are so thick, they could swallow Timothee Chalamet whole! So sitting on them in this position, waiting for my sister to finish snapping pics, was no easy task.

Then I tried her 'Sleepless In Calabassas' thirst trap

If I had my own photographer, I'd also pay them take my photo while I was too busy enjoying my bed — it's when I look the most Casually Ethereal™, you know?

We all know how much work taking the perfect thirst trap pic is. With Kim's coin, I'd bet she was so lazy, she hired someone to position her body to do said pose, adorn her with luxe oils, take the pic, THEN put it through that app that makes all of her pictures look like they were taken in 1995 Russia instead of 2018 Calabasas.

Next was her 'rise and grind'

Rise & Grind A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jan 5, 2018 at 7:55am PST

I have to give Kim her credit. This rise and grind shot was a pain to pose for. Turning to the side, poking out the booty and keeping my legs crossed and bent was tough with dealing FUPA and thighs. Kim proved that sexy should be a full time job. But as you can see, I managed and I look fucking hot.

Her Bo West was a bitch to sit pretty for

BO WEST A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jan 29, 2018 at 12:58pm PST

Kim may be a masochist because taking these pics was not a fun time. I may look pretty, hot and thick, but that's all misery etched into my face.

And finally, the 'no comment'

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jan 29, 2018 at 2:06pm PST

This thirst trap was takes the crown as my favorite. It's a candid shot that reads "I don't know her" as if tits in the wind were the most natural thing on earth. Good luck on nabbing guys, Northie. You've got a great teacher who specializes in the art of stealing your man. I'm obsessed.

Kim and I could definitely takeover the world (and your crush's DMs) being the thirst-trapping thots that we are. But please girl, stop with the braids. You're sexier with your own Armenian locks, anyway.

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@aribines