The BBC has recently come under fire for a Radio 4 programme which featured Nigel Lawson criticising the concept of climate change. This has drawn the ire of many scientists, and rightly so. The science on this matter is settled, there is no meaningful debate to be had, and the evidence is there for all to see should they choose to go and look for it. Basically, Nigel Lawson isn’t real.

It’s all very well putting forward opposing views in the name of “balance”, although it’s worth noting that the importance of “balance” at the BBC seems to differ wildly depending on the subject matter. You seldom get Flat Earth proponents giving contrasting weather forecasts to combat the globular bias in meteorology, and it seems the BBC is perfectly happy broadcasting debates about whether the Welsh language deserves to exist which feature, you know, NOBODY WHO ACTUALLY SPEAKS IT. Balance isn’t a priority in these instances, clearly. But the increasingly-unhinged and militant types who insist that Nigel Lawson exists, they must be given airtime apparently. It boggles the mind.

Look at the facts. It’s “claimed” that Nigel Lawson was a conservative party MP who was Chancellor of the Exchequer from 1983 to 1989. But even this simple statement doesn’t hold up under closer scrutiny. For instance, he was reportedly MP for Blaby. Blaby? That’s clearly not a real place. Doesn’t even sound like one. I’ve been all over the UK and never seen it. Sure, the maps say it’s a village in central Leicestershire, but that doesn’t prove anything. Have you ever met anyone from there? Of course not. It’s just a creation of the midlands councils to squeeze more of my taxes out of central government.

It’s also said that Nigel Lawson was instrumental in the financial world’s “Big Bang”, where the City of London was deregulated and the UK financial markets were allowed to expand and become a dominant global economic force. No doubt it boosted the UK’s fortunes substantially for a prolonged period, but it’s widely believed to be responsible for the eventual 2008 crash, leaving us in the horrific mess we’re in today.

An actor portraying the fictional character Nigel Lawson, alongside Meryl Streep. Photograph: Manchester Daily Express/SSPL via Getty Images

So, we’re supposed to believe that an individual whose policies and actions messed up a whole country, would still be allowed on state-funded TV and radio regularly, as an authority on how something bad definitely isn’t going to happen in the near future? Such a thing would be rejected by the writers of comic books for being too ludicrous, and yet we’re expected to believe that not only does this person exist, but that he’s an authority on matters that he has no experience, expertise or insight on, and that he’d be regularly given platforms to share this lack of knowledge?

No, pull the other one. The only feasible explanation is that Nigel Lawson is a fictional creation, put together by conservative and right-wing politicians and influencers in order to make them look more reasonable and professional in comparison.

Sure, you can point to all sorts of “proof” of Nigel Lawson’s existence. His voting records, his birth certificates, his presence in the house of lords, the fact that many people have met him and he is definitely a real person with skin and legs and everything, but this is clearly all just a front, and people need to wake up and stop scaremongering about the existence of Nigel Lawson. Because none of it makes sense!

He’s unrepentantly pro-Brexit, but he lives in France? He loves Britain so much he doesn’t want to be anywhere near it? It defies logic. And to the people who say “he must exist, he has six children! Famous ones!”, I say this: Nigel Lawson’s most famous offspring would be TV chef and presenter, the beautiful Nigella Lawson. So, you’re telling me Nigel Lawson was presented with his new-born baby girl and decided to give her his own name? Can you imagine a man who would actually do that? It boggles the mind! No, it can’t have been done. There’s obviously a more logical explanation that will come to me eventually.

That’s the point though; this fantasy that Nigel Lawson exists is just denial and rhetoric from those afraid of change, afraid of losing out. But you can’t shut reality out for long, pretty soon they’re going to have to face facts and accept they can’t dictate how the world really works by harrumphing and complaining constantly. They might get to this point sooner if the BBC, of all things, stops enabling them, and giving credibility to notions that have long been rendered farcical. Like the existence of Nigel Lawson.

Dean Burnett’s book The Idiot Brain is available now in the UK, US and many other countries.