Scientists and researchers at the University of Colorado came to the conclusion, Friday, that condescending, self-righteous, narcissistic assholes who judge, criticize, and ridicule those around them actually do find happiness in the long run.

After studying numerous surveys and analyzing both 'qualitative' and 'quantitative' data, lead professionals at the university found that cold-hearted, calculating people with selfish interests in mind eventually attain highly-fulfilling, meaningful lives full of wonderfully-intense, naughty, 'heart-pounding' sex with occasional trips to tropical islands full of paradise.

Although taking your weaknesses out on others, manipulating those around you, and ruthlessly belittling everybody who comes across your path are typically considered negative actions, subsections of the report contained undeniable evidence that such tactics lead to richness, relaxation, pleasure, universe-shattering orgasms on beaches next to the Atlantic Ocean, and an indescribable type of euphoria that simply can't be explained.

Instantly and aggressively categorizing co-workers and random people as 'worthless,' changing your mind all the time, forcing your will on others, and then ruthlessly stomping on the 'weak', was ranked the number one key to success, with pathological lying, withholding secrets, focusing on money, being abusive, hurting people with words that can never be taken back, and forgiving yourself in Church because 'Jesus Loves You' coming in at a close second.

Being a soulless, greedy, bossy, violent, two-faced, tyrannical butt-fucker came in third, and enjoying the endless, wretched weeping of the 'broken-hearted' was fourth.

Writhing in profound agony in a depressed mood while crying on a park bench as 'the love of your life' gets pounded silly by your neighbor was noted as something that successful people usually never do, and ferociously masturbating to cheap-budget 80s movies, such as Lisa: Winter Queen of The Small-Breasted Eskimos, was also identified as an action that typically never leads to warmth or fulfillment.