My job was a place where I could feel normal. That all changed when I informed you of my condition

What I wish I could tell my boss: ‘Telling you about my mental health was a big mistake’

Between my panic attacks and spells of mental numbness, work was a place where I felt more normal. Somewhere I was responsible. That changed after I spoke to you about my mental health.

When I informed you of my condition, it had gotten to the point where my illness was starting to affect me at work. Unable to get a good night’s sleep, I would wake up depressed and go to work feeling like a zombie.

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After I confided in you about what I was going through, your behaviour towards me changed. It seemed that you were constantly watching me. Maybe you thought you were supporting me, but micromanaging my every move isn’t support. You started asking me how I was each morning, which didn’t help, because I was forced to either lie, or face a conversation with you in a small meeting room trying to justify how I felt.

Perhaps it’s my fault, I should have told you sooner, or marked myself with a disability in my job application form – but at the time I was too frightened. I worried “What if they won’t employ me?” or “What if they ask me how my illness will affect my work?” The truth is – unless I am going through a particularly bad episode – it doesn’t.

As a young male, I’ve always had trouble talking about my mental health. It was hard to open up to family, friends, my GP and you. I feel like I have to be enthusiastic and approachable, but I can’t be, not all the time.

After speaking to you, I had a brief time off for a loss in the family. While I was gone I kept getting calls from you asking me how I was, and this just made me worse. When I came back I felt guilty and isolated from the team. You said there had been changes, and I was told I wasn’t being kept on.

Despite what you told me, I knew it was because of my mental illness. I had trouble fitting back in, and I couldn’t work with a team that didn’t want me. I am sorry I took time off – it’s still something I regret to this day.

My mental health doesn’t change who I am, but if affects how I deal with things. I can still work, I can still hold responsibility. I’m not after extra support, just a little understanding. What I want to tell you is this: please, next time someone comes to you with a mental health issue, take some time to understand why and initiate contact, but don’t interrogate them. All I really wanted was somewhere to fit in and be appreciated. Work was that place, until I told you how I felt.