This may sound like the sickest of sick jokes. Unfortunately, it’s not. As The Washington Post reports, Trump is determined that people feel grateful, dammit, that he applied his scribble to legislation to which his only contribution was making sure it screwed the Postal Service. So no one gets a check until the IRS works out a way to get his name onto every one.

The trouble is … that’s never been done before. Because, believe it or not, past White House residents have not put their ego ahead of people’s basic needs. And Trump’s scrawl can’t go onto the signature line, because, by law, he’s not authorized to disburse funds. Getting Trump’s name in place actually took changes to the programming that prints the automated checks. So with some emergency coding, a big, gratitude-inducing “Donald J. Trump” is being squeezed in over in the memo field.

Making that happen and seeing that each and every check gets Trump’s name is slowing the whole process by “a few days.” But it’s not like people can’t go without food, medicine, housing, and everything else for a few days in exchange for something as important as another stroke to Trump’s ego. After all … this is an emergency. Trump hasn’t felt comfortable playing golf in days, and instead of rallies where thousands cheer every inane utterance, he’s had to settle for taking over every television network for hours each day to explain how he has absolute power, but zero responsibility. Now buy his drug.

Of course, by the time the checks actually arrive, it may be too late for that rent or food or medicine you had planned for that money. Leaving your family with a real puzzle over how to spend all those Trumpbucks.

That’s why we’re opening a special pop-up store to sell a $1,200 pitchfork and box of torches special. Act quickly to receive a free gallon of tar and a bag of feathers. And believe me, it all has Trump’s name on it.