COLUMBUS, OH – Leaders of the Unity Church of God were recently surprised after one of the many care packages they have sent to anonymous service members overseas was returned with all of its original contents — but had an additional note inside from the soldier who had received it.

The note read: “Thank you for the kind gesture. Unfortunately, I have no need for any of this stuff. Please send porn and beer.”

It was signed as ‘Every American Soldier Ever’.

After extensive investigation, the anonymous soldier was tracked down and identified as Specialist Christopher Applewood with 3rd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division.

When reached for comment, Applewood was unapologetic.

“I don’t see why they’re so mad. How many toothbrushes, decks of playing cards, or little packets of gum do we need? I get that stuff at the PX. I’m twenty years old and haven’t had sex in fourteen months. My balls are so blue they’re cobalt. I’m not exactly sure what that means but lets just say it’s bad.”

The note has set off a firestorm between the military and charity organizations. An in-depth investigation by the soldier’s commander further stoked the flames when the report issued was extremely brief and confirmed Applewood’s remarks.

The report included statements from various soldiers, including “[we] have enough damn baby wipes” and “there is a real shortage of high-quality material for the jack shack.”

Other service-members oppose the investigations findings. They believe the care packages for soldiers are well-meaning and allow those who cannot serve the opportunity to contribute to the war effort.

Marine Lance Corporal Jared Headley, of 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines, is one who disagrees with Applewood.

“We’ve been at war for over a decade. How can you not find porn in Iraq or Afghanistan? I’m stuck in a crappy COP [combat outpost] in the middle of nowhere and I have three terabytes of porn meticulously categorized by genre. That dude needs to make some friends. I could use a beer though.”

Church officials, having finally learned what ‘Every American Soldier Ever’ wants, have begun including the new requests in the care packages. Local porn shops, however, have suffered from the newfound revelation.

“I hate it,” said Rex Rudder, owner of ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’, a porn shop outside Fort Bragg. “Those buses pull up and all these church moms come pouring out into my store. My regulars usually beat feet because who wants to buy Donkey Dongs 6 when the church lady is behind them in line?”

Rudder shakes his head and continues.

“I guess if it’s soldier care packages for the troops, it’s ok. All these people out here just get a bumper sticker on their car and think that’s enough. Hell, I’m doing real work for the war effort — I’ve even thrown in a few fleshlights to do my part.”