Ever since Janet Jackson’s infamous Super Bowl Halftime performance in 2004, the FCC has been on a mission to censor any and all instances of TV nudity. They’ve even gone as far as cutting the scene in How The Grinch Stole Christmas where we see the Grinch’s dick. That is a MAJOR plot point in the movie! His self-consciousness over his weird dick is the whole reason he hates Christmas in the first place! But most kids today have never even seen it. It’s absurd! (Luckily, my parents taped it off TV before the Janet Jackson thing so I can still see the Grinch’s penis whenever I want.)

To prove my point, I asked everyone in the office to draw me a picture of what they THOUGHT the Grinch’s dick looked like.

Here are the results:

Zack

Clearly it’s been a minute since Zack has seen the Grinch’s dick. This is not even close to what it looks like. I mean first of all it’s in sections? Whose dick is in sections?! I wonder if Zack has ever seen ANYONE’S penis, let alone the Grinch’s sweet rod. This is just a really poor effort, dude.

Jason

Couple things here, Jason. First off the Grinch is not hung to his knees. Nobody with that big of a dick would ever be upset about anything ever, let alone Christmas. He would LOVE the baby Jesus cause of this amazing gift from God. SECONDLY, and more importantly, this is clearly the Jim Carrey Grinch. That’s not what we’re talking about here. No one cares what Jim Carrey’s dick looks like.

Jenny

What sort of M.C. Escher penis is this? The Grinch’s penis looks nothing like The Grinch. This drawing is — I don’t know what this is. A stunt? Are you doing this for attention, Jenny? Whatever the reason, you’ve wasted everyone’s time. This is the worst so far.

Melinda

This looks like something out of Pan’s Labyrinth not Wooville. Does it split in half? Or is it two dicks? I mean I’ll give you that anyone with this sort of wiener would be a jerk but this is still way off base. Also what does “aerial view” mean? Are we supposed to believe this is what it looks like from space? The Grinch is like five feet max. You can’t see his dick from space, Melinda. You might be able to see your head, though, since that shit is clearly IN THE CLOUDS.

John

Again, guys, we’re not talking about Jim Carrey. I don’t know how many times I can repeat myself. Secondly, this isn’t even The Grinch, it’s The Mask. Also I’m 100% positive The Grinch’s dick doesn’t say “Smokin’!” Dick’s can’t talk. The rest of this penis, I’ll grant you, is pretty good. It’s got a nice, non-threatening shaft.

Nate D.

This dick at least gets something right. The Grinch’s dick DOES grow three times its size at the end of the movie. But, looks wise, this is still wrong. Nate, is this what you think dicks look like? Imagine if you were in a locker room and someone had a FROWN EMOJI for a penis. You’d call the police! Nice try, Cockter Suess!

Pat

This is just a coat hanger with nuts. Next.

Dan

I’ll give you anyone with a menorah for a dick would hate Christmas. But this is still wrong. The Grinch isn’t Jewish, he’s a Christian Scientist. Everybody knows that! Also, are all these mini dicks functional? Like do they each get hard? That’s too much blood flow and The Grinch would pass out. He already lives high on a mountain where the air is very thin.

Nate M.

First off The Grinch’s dick is not “trill” so this caption makes no sense. Also that thing is way too big. It’s got the whimsical twists and turns of a Dr. Suess drawing but a Grinch cock it ain’t. It drags on the ground! We’d see it the whole movie! Also it just turns into fringe at the end. How do you pee or fuck with that thing? This is the worst Grinch dick of the entire lot. I’m actually sort of mad about it. Also The Grinch is circumcised. That’s the only reference to his dick that’s still in the TV version. There’s a part where they’re singing like, “You’re a mean one / Mr. Grinch / You got circumcised / Mr. Grinch / But not till you were 17 / Mr. Griiiiiinch” I can’t believe you forgot that verse.

Drama

Yes. This one is right. Good job.