ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A man with smaller hands would have to wingardium leviosa his four schooners of Betoota Bitter off the bar and over to the table – but lucky Tim Coleman has hands the size of 4-slice toasters.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate on this stinking hot Friday afternoon in our desert capital’s fourth-most exclusive waterhole, the 29-year-old grazier said discovering the special Schooner Express line at The Dickless Parrot in Betoota Heights is the closest he’ll ever get to realising his childhood dream of finding Platform 9¾.

“Back when the book came out, there was only 4 platforms at Betoota Central Station,” he said, pausing halfway through to burp.

“If there were ten platforms, like there are now, maybe I would’ve been able to find it but yeah. I dreamed and dreamed when I was a kid, hoping I’d find Platform 9¾ – but I never did,”

“But get a load of this. The Schooner Express. This is just as good.”

The Dickless Parrot, one of two Merivale bars in the Channel Country, was the first of its kind to put in a dedicated line for schooners in the district – something the community had been crying out for close to a fortnight.

But as it is 3pm on Friday, much of the local media industry has clocked off for the week, including our reporter.

More not coming.