When you have a successful franchise, there can be overwhelming demand for a sequel. Yet writing installment after installment can get tiresome, so sometimes a franchise will just kinda write their characters into an unrelated screenplay. Or, in the case of Die Hard, they just never used an original idea to begin with. Yes, even the original Die Hard wasn’t supposed to be a Die Hard...

Die Hard

When Frank Sinatra turned down the sequel to his film The Detective, the script was retooled into a Commando sequel. However, Arnold Schwarzenegger also turned down the role after the failure of his previous sequel attempt, Conan the Destroyer (of Franchises). He instead acted in Twins, a film in which he plays Danny DeVito’s twin. So the script was changed yet again into a standalone film that would become one of the most famous and beloved action movies ever made, skyrocketing Bruce Willis’s career. Schwarzenegger would go on to take political office despite questionable citizenship (years before Obama did), and Sinatra would go on to die.

The main change from the source material was making the lead character younger, because nobody would ever watch a Die Hard starring an old man. Many iconic scenes are ripped directly from the book, including McClane jumping off a roof with a firehouse tied around his waist, which won an Oscar for best Hollywoodest Thing Ever [citation needed].

Die Hard With a Vengeance

Die Hard with a Vengeance was based on a screenplay called Simon Says. If Willis’s dynamic with Samuel L. Jackson seems a little familiar, it’s because the screenplay was going to be Lethal Weapon 4 before Die Hard got its hands on it.Â It would have been fun to see Danny Glover in the suburbs wearing a sandwich board reading “I hate wiggers.”

The first half of the film is nearly identical to Simon Says, but with a burglary thrown in because burglary is all McClane really knows.

Live Free or Die Hard

You can’t sustain a franchise forever solely by snatching up other screenplays. That’s why Live Free or Die Hard was based on “A Farewell to Arms,” an article from a 1997 issue of Wired. Yes. An action movie based on a science magazine article. Keep an eye on this article–it may become Die Hard 6: Who Took My Penis Pills?Â Â By then Bruce’s kids, who were mere toddlers in the first film, will have kids of their own.Â Picture this: A weathered Willis is chilling by the duck filled pond in his retirement community when a bunch of thugs bust in, trying to secure the pharmaceuticals.Â Willis would naturally save the day, along with several boners that would have been silenced.

A Good Day to Die Hard

Okay, so we’ve had Die Hards steal from movies, magazines, and books (yeah, Die Harder is based on a book. It didn’t get a full entry on this list because if you cared about books you wouldn’t be on the internet right now). So what could they possibly have used this time–a porno (Die Hard-on)?

Nope, they went back to using screenplays, but this time they stole from themselves–Die Hard 5 was a rejected script from Die Hard 4. The film that was deemed inadequate in 2007 was somehow good in 2013 because… I dunno, inflation?

Turns out they were right in 1988 when they decided nobody wanted an old John McClane.

Matt Pass is looking for a wholesome gal to put her feet in his mouth.

Serious inquiries only.

On Twitter @mattpasscomedy or mattpasscomedy@gmail.com