BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind the scenes he struggled with a dark history of maturation that few were brave enough to confront him about,” said Beverly Hills Police Department spokesperson Sgt. Lawrence Ward, adding that Douglas was successfully able to conceal his struggles with aging until he began experimenting with more and more intense forms during the 1970s and the 1980s. “Family and friends told us that as time wore on, they eventually noticed his body’s slow deterioration, observing that he developed the telltale liver spots, gray hair, and gaunt face that so many of the elderly display. Of course, Mr. Douglas knew the risks, but once he started dabbling in age past 80 or 90 years, all that time began to catch up with him.” Ward went on to tell reporters he hoped this tragedy would serve as a cautionary tale, and warned anyone with an octogenarian in their family to seek help before it was too late.

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