Meet Chinese internet celebrity 留几手 Liu Jishou, who rose to fame on China’s leading microblogging platform Sina Weibo starting from late 2012 for giving acerbic “reviews/ratings” of netizens who voluntarily direct his attention to photos of themselves, often explicitly begging him to make fun of them.

His username literally means “to hold back a few tricks”, adapted from 留一手 Liu Yishou, literally “to hold back a trick”, which is his username on Chinese social network Douban, where the self-introduction on his profile page reads:

Cunt.

Stupid Cunt.

A stupid cunt who is welcomed wherever he goes.

Brother [referring to himself] is a mature man.

But my looks appear young.

My body is well-proportioned, giving people the feeling that I’m a homosexual.

I am Douban‘s one and only high-end figure/personality.

Wearing 5-yuan neckties, a head full of hair gel, I walk through wind and rain every day.

Pet phrase: Make just a little progress every day.

Brother is very easy to get along with, is an extremely crazy idealist.

If you don’t get along well with me, then it must be due to the way you look.

If you have nothing to do, don’t come disgust [bother] me!

At time of translation, Liu Jishou had nearly 5 million followers on the popular Sina Weibo social network. Below are some of the “reviews/ratings” that Liu Jishou has given male netizens. The next translation will feature some of the reviews he’s given female netizens.

From Sina Weibo:

@__晨曦Steven: @留几手 @留几手 @留几手 @留几手 @留几手 @留几手 @留几手 Brother Hand, requesting a score, will humbly accept your criticism, and will never delete this photo.

@留几手: Zhumadian trendy guy, just back from shopping on Taobao during Double 11 day. Chang Chen-yue‘s glasses, Edison Chen‘s jeans, Shawn Yue‘s cardigan, plus a Levi’s tank top and a handbag used by the British when collecting the water bill, the whole set only 98 yuan. At every moment, you lead the whole town’s fashion trends. Look at you, you’re as skinny as a dog, with the edges of your shoulders almost falling out. Hurry and get to your hair salon for work, the guests there are waiting for you to wash their hair! 1 point. Fuck off.

From Sina Weibo:

@蓝飞洋: Hand Brother, requesting your point-by-point commentary! We’re from the same hometown! I swear I won’t delete this photo! @留几手

@留几手: A young man from the suburbs between urban and rural areas who has entered Beijing for a life of drifting [migrant worker]. Introduced by someone from your hometown, you came to the gate of Beijing Film Studio, where every day you hold a sign: “Well drilling, Drain Clog Removal, Fight Scene Extra, Stuntman”. When you are lucky, you get on the cast and get to eat some box lunches, your role either being that of a bandit who is smoothly killed with a single shot or that of a Japanese devil whose head is cut off by Li Yunlong [the main character in the popular 2005 Sino-Japanese War TV Drama Showing Sword]. Your biggest hobby is borrowing an outfit from one of the hair salon workers that works at the cast’s hair salon, then coming to Yon Ho [the Chinese fast food restaurant in the photo] to click a self-photo. 2 points.

From Sina Weibo:

@八针菌: Job interview tomorrow. Brother Hand, please rate me. Let me benefit from your good luck. @留几手

@留几手: A Sales dog, even with an extremely low Gaokao college entrance exam score, you managed to squeeze yourself into college, and likely the dregs that flunked out of majors like Biology, Business Management, International Trade, Foreign Languages, etc. You live outside Beijing’s 9th Ring Road, live in a rented apartment with a bunch of other people, have absolutely no specialized skills and run into walls wherever you go [get rejected], and even when you’re handing out flyers on the streets, you’re unwilling to take off that low-end suit that represents your dignity. In your left hand is a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, and in your right hand is a copy of Currency Wars. Carrying a briefcase, whoever you meet is whoever you stuff with a business card. Negative points, fuck off.

From Sina Weibo:

@少年派的漂漂漂漂流: Brother, dare to rate me? @留几手

@留几手: A Marketing dog or Product Manager. Since attending several “how to be successful” seminars, you pass yourself off as being successful. Whatever you do, fails. Whatever you eat, you still want more. All you know how to do is make PPTs [Powerpoint presentations] pretending to know what you’re talking about, constantly repeating the same three words: Cooperation, efficiency, passion. Even for the cunt-smallest of things, you’ll send an email, carbon copying a bunch of people. With a head full of bullshit, you make a schedule every day: 6am wake up, 6:10 take a shit, 6:30 go downstairs to buy youtiao. As if you’re busier than the president. Negative points, fuck off.

From Sina Weibo:

@杨云凯: @留几手 Master, please rate me.

@留几手: I’m impressed [sarcasm], this big brother, you’re already in the ICU, someone who could die at anytime, and still in the face of death you don’t forget to seek a review. So I’ll summarize your life then: Born in the 1990s, unruly personality, hairy, values comradeship, a person who willing to be stabbed twice [do anything] for his friends, and willing to stab his friends twice for women. Sadly, you followed the wrong big brother [mob boss/gang leader], was caught peeping at your big brother’s wife when she was pooing, and grievously cut down. Died in 2012, your life over but still negative points, never having turned positive.

From Sina Weibo:

@留几手: An unemployed peasant from Shengdiyage [Pinyin romanization for San Diego], America, who snuck into China on a cargo vessel to make a living. Your occupation is pretending to be a foreign expert in spurious TV shopping commercials. You’ve played the role of a French wine appraiser, an Italian tailor, a German automotive expert, a Harvard Medical School professor…moonlighting as a European executive assigned to the Zhumadian region cutting ribbons at the opening ceremonies for shopping malls. By saying nihao [Hello], you make enough money to eat, but still ask to split the bill when going to bars on the weekends to trick a girl into sleeping with you. Fu fen [Pinyin romanization for “negative points”], fuck off!

From Sina Weibo:

Hand Brother, rate me, don’t hold back at all.

@留几手: Please cherish the fat guys around you! Fat guys usually have cocks that are short and small, and thus won’t be competition when picking up chicks; fat guys are big eaters, so they can finish your leftovers; fat guys are good-tempered, so you can insult and bully them however you wish without them fighting back; fat guys can take a beating, so when you come across hooligans fat guys can be used as human shields, covering for you as you escape; fat guys run slowly, so if you come across bears in the wildness, fat guys can save your life! Fat guys were all angels with broken wings in their previous life, so cherish him! I give fat guys negative points.

From Sina Weibo:

@[Censored]: @留几手 Begging for abuse, [a photo] someone just took of me in my dorm room.

@留几手: An academic hegemon [overachieving student], 800 degrees of myopia/nearsightedness, essentially half blind. A top student majoring in Polymer Materials and Engineering at a Project 211 university. God helps those who help themselves, so you study hard at university, score 90+ in every subject, pay no attention to outside matters, and have absolutely no social life. You are 22 years old and have never held a girl’s hand or watched AV. Walking on the edge of insanity/perversion, you’re confident that after graduation, your invention can change humanity, while in reality, 2 years later, what you’ll be doing is applying mobile phone screen protectors. Whether you believe it or not is up to you. Negative points.

The following two involve Chinese television star 陈赫 Chen He from iPartment and Chinese television host 杜海涛 Du Haitao. Liu Jishou’s reviews of them require a high level of familiarity with who they are and their TV shows to be fully appreciated. See if you know what he’s referring to!

From Sina Weibo:

@陈赫: Only a man that Brother Hand says is good is a good man [referring to his classic line in iPartment]. Nervous, don’t be too hard on me… hahaha!!

@留几手: Since you, the self-proclaimed good man, were ruthlessly abandoned by Yifei [one of the lead female characters in iPartment], you have finally understood: Incessant nagging can’t get you a house or car. You put aside your dignity and came to a vocational school which gave you free trial classes before charging you and promised a refund if you couldn’t master the skills. Among a dazzling galaxy of majors like Numerical Control, Evacuation, Auto Mechanics, and Welding, you picked your favorite Auto Mechanics. [It takes you] 10 seconds to fix a car, [guaranteeing] no oil leaks for 10 thousand li. Once finished you adjust your clothes and left, keeping the good deed to yourself. I give you 0.5 points. Are you able to come to my house to fix a [bike] pedal for me? @陈赫

From Sina Weibo:

@杜海涛Hito: Brother Hand, I specially found a photo that will be easy for you to display your talent with. After surviving so many years of wind and rain [being made fun of], I should be able to endure [your review]. You may begin! @留几手

@留几手: A Northeastern vagrant. After a three-day trip to the Yanbian, your brain was was severely infected by the Korean Wave. From then on you were distracted at work, failed to focus on the art of Er Ren Zhuan, and finally fled to the Mango channel, launching your Northeastern+South Korean anti-mainstream medley of an entertainment career. Every day you suffer the living hell of people hammering huge stones on your chest, drinking pesticide, and performing human-flesh-wind-fire-wheel. Every time you think of fellow villagers Liu Neng and Zhao Si’s careers thriving with each passing day, even a full-body angry pheasant costume can’t conceal the desolation in your heart. Oppa, 0 points.

The photo at the top is not actually Liu Jishou, it’s just his Sina Weibo profile photo. Here’s Liu Jishou as his follower count on Sina Weibo reached 4 million…

From Sina Weibo:

@留几手: Begging for abuse. Recorded a song. If abused well, I’ll give it to you guys.

From Sina Weibo: