"PC World... got to watch what you say in there."

- Seymour Mace

"Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas."

- Robert Garnham

"Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs."

- Paul Savage

"I was going to have a poached egg for breakfast today but then I remembered the camera on my phone was broken, so I had a fried egg."

- Adam Hess

"The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in."

- Gráinne Maguire

"I just gave a guitar to my girlfriend. A Fender? No she liked it."

- Tim Vine

"My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically."

- Evelyn Mok

"One thing about going to Eton is that you get pigeon-holed. But on the plus side, you do get a pigeon hole."

- Ivo Graham

"A lot of older people wonder if there'll be life after death. There will, it just won't involve them."

- Lee Nelson

"I like to think the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call is 'brella' but he hesitated."

- Andy Field

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