Portland, Oregon needs your prayers. Or, at the very least, a whole bunch of plastic bags. There is an as-yet-unidentified man roaming around the city, pooping in public places, and leaving it there for the world to see and smell. Portland residents have begun calling him “The Portland Pooper” because, honestly, there’s no better option.


KOIN, the city’s local CBS affiliate, reported on the serial defecator after a video of him emptying his colon on the wall of an office building was captured by a security camera. One woman they interviewed about the fecal vandal, a resident named Catrina Salazar, told reporters she found it “interesting” that he had toilet paper with him. She’s not wrong!

Salazar continued:

“You just don’t really know what to expect around here. People, they like do their own thing, they kind of march to the beat of their own drum.”


It would appear that the beat of the Portland Pooper’s drum is in triple time, as though accompanying a steady chant of, “Poop right now, poop right now, poop right now, poop right now.”

Please contact the Portland po-po if you have any information regarding the poo poo.

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com .

