Warning: Here be series-wide spoilers!

It’s the Spring of 2009, and Survivor is off to the Brazilian highlands. Where there are random spells of torrential rain and even the risk of deadly wildfires on top of the unbearable heat. And 16 brand new castaways will try to outwit, outplay and outlast each other to get a million bucks.

I’ve picked a nice easy season for me to get started with this project, it’s one that is still a fan favourite to its day, in large part to an entertaining and beloved cast and its unique location. Plus it happens to have my favourite male winner of all time, so I get to start off on a happy note. It’s also the last season to have a truly “old school” feel, so those of you who are not fond of the modern BIG MOVEZ era will appreciate this season.

We first meet our castaways being carted off in a truck, and they’re already split by tribe. Jalapao in red, and Timbira in black. And as Jeff rattles on with his introduction to the season, the cast are already making their first impressions of each other.

This is Erinn, a hairdresser from Wisconsin. She’s already got the hots for “tall spiky-haired model boy”.

The “tall spiky-haired model boy” in question is Tyson, a professional cyclist from Utah. He’s a Mormon. And we’ll see him two more times in future seasons.

Not even two minutes in, he provides us with our first real funny of the season…

Ouch. Hope she wasn’t too crushed watching that.

We get introduced to a couple more of our castaways…

This is Stephen, a corporate consultant from NYC and future Survivor Know-It All. He’s looking at an older lady and he’s already relieved as he now believes he won’t be the first boot. Savage.

The older lady is Sandy, a bus driver from Kentucky. She’s looking at Stephen in return and comments on his incredibly obvious geeky appearance and how she could easily drag him around.

This is Sierra, a model from Los Angeles. She’s recovering from strep throat and is really miserable. I feel your pain honey, that would totally be me.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by this Missouri guy with the ridiculous long hair, who likes to call himself “Coach”, named so because he coaches a university soccer team. You will also see him a couple more times in future seasons. You will love to hate him.

Finally the truck stops, and Jeff tells the two tribes to grab as many supplies as they can within 60 seconds. Chaos ensues.

After all that, Timbira are feeling smug as they have all the water and beans. After they’re handed the maps to their camps, Jeff throws a major curveball: each tribe has to leave one person behind.

Ouch.

Coach however, has no qualms about the whole thing. He’s more than happy to get rid of the chaff at the earliest opportunity.

Based on nothing but first impressions, Jalapao vote out Sandy and Timbira vote out Sierra. To say that both ladies are pissed is an understatement.

However, in typical Survivor trolling fashion, Jeff then explains that he said nothing about eliminating anyone, he simply asked for two people “who will not be making this adventure”.

So what does he mean by that? Well, the two ladies get to have an awesome helicopter ride to their respective camps, while everyone else has to make a four-hour trek by foot.

Feeling bad now, aren’t you guys?

So as the helicopter rolls in, the two tribes start their long trek to camp. We now get to meet some more of the Jalapao castaways…

This is Spencer, a college student from Florida. He’s a superfan and at time of filming was the youngest castaway in Survivor history. He’s very excited like any fanboy would.

We finally get introduced to our eventual Sole Survivor. This is J.T., a cattle rancher from Alabama. He’s more than just a good ole fashioned Southern boy as you’ll find out.

Stephen takes one look at him and is convinced that they won’t get along. Oh, hindsight is a wonderful thing…

Already the tribe are starting to struggle with following directions, and try to figure out how to use the compass. They get back on track in the end though, they have cameramen to help make sure they don’t get lost after all.

And already we’ve had a casualty in this game: Stephen’s pants.

We hardly knew ye.

A couple of miles away, Timbira are stumbling across the fields trying to carry all of their swag.

Let’s meet some of their delightful members…

This is Jerry, a US army sergeant from South Carolina. He literally just got back from a tour of Afghanistan before competing. Don’t let his size fool you, he’s a real machine under all that blubber.

As they take a quick pit stop, Coach very quickly goes into a long diatribe about how he’s a natural leader, the ancient warrior spirit, and all sorts of pretentious New Age gibberish.

This is Brendan, an entrepreneur from NYC. He’s not as smart as he thinks he is. He’s immediately suspicious of Coach, and given how this season plays out, he has every right to be.

As the heat takes its toll on everyone, Sandy and Sierra make it to their respective camps thanks to the awesome helicopter without breaking a sweat.

First we have a look at how Sandy gets on while enjoying camp by herself, and she’s still pissed that her tribe wanted her out.

Shortly afterwards, she stumbles upon a scroll. It tells her that she has a choice of either currying favor for her tribemates and set up camp for them, or screw them over and look for the Hidden Immunity Idol instead.

She picks the idol. And gets a bit too excited.

Meanwhile, Sierra arrives at Timbira’s camp and finds her scroll with the same instructions. Unlike Sandy, she decides to try and set up camp.

It’s almost sunset, and Jalapao have finally found their camp!

Sandy immediately hears them approaching, and scrambles to avoid looking suspicious by stuffing the clue in her bra.

The tribe reunite and they are not happy that she didn’t set up any shelter, not least this lady…

This is Carolina, a bartender from California. She mouths off about the situation with an annoying squeaky voice. This won’t be the first time this episode she mouths off, so brace yourselves.

Sandy doesn’t care though, she’s still bitter as fuck and is hellbent on finding the Idol.

Timbira, on the other hand, don’t reach camp until nighttime. They arrive to find Sierra lugging around building materials and appreciate her efforts.

It’s Day 2! And Jalapao finally get started on building their shelter.

Makes me wonder how they slept that first night, at least it didn’t rain.

As this is going on, Carolina can’t keep her mouth shut, and is bossing the guys around over what she wants their shelter to be like.

Meanwhile, Sandy decides to excuse herself and go idol hunting on the beach. After some digging, she finds the second clue.

But she comes a cropper when she gets confused over what a “pace” is. Spoiler alert: she soon gives up.

Meanwhile, the rest of her tribe are concerned about the amount of time she’s been away.

Oops.

Over in Timbira, they’ve already emptied the water supply they grabbed from the truck, so a few of them go off to the river to get more. They soon regret it when Tyson decides to go into exhibitionist mode.

He makes it pretty clear that he’s not your stereotypical square Mormon, and he’s out to win that $1mil, bitch.

IMMUNITY/REWARD CHALLENGE!

Our tribes have to run over some sand dunes and bring back some planks from a raft. Those planks make a staircase that the whole tribe needs to climb up. They then have to complete a table maze. The winners get some flint, the losers get Tribal Council.

Off we go and the first thing you think upon watching is “holy fuck is J.T. fast!”, the guy should be an Olympic sprinter, Usain Bolt would be quaking in his boots.

Once they get their rafts, Timbira makes the smart move by carrying as many planks as possible. Who would’ve thought that such a skinny guy like Tyson could carry so much bulk?

Sandy does her best to redeem herself by calling the shots on which plank goes where, and her efforts are rewarded when Jalapao are the first to complete their staircase.

Meanwhile, Sierra is screaming her head off in one of the least flattering shots she could find herself in.

Despite being behind by a long way, Timbira are savvy enough to get through the maze like a boss.

Timbira wins immunity!

As a dejected Jalapao tribe walk back to camp, we get introduced to Sydney, a model from North Carolina. She’s so pretty it makes you quite angry. And she feels really bad for having to potentially vote Sandy out because she recognises the huge effort she made in the challenge.

As soon as they get back to camp, Carolina starts mouthing off again about what they could do to improve tribe morale. This starts to really get on everyone’s nerves.

This is Taj, a former singer from Nashville, and she will be the Team Mom of the season. She’s tired, dehydrated, and not least of all she’s not impressed with Carolina’s bossy attitude.

It’s at this point where the rest of the tribe start to seriously question whether voting out Sandy first would be such a good idea after all.

This is Joe, a real estate agent from Austin. He always looks like he’s squinting. And he’s planting the seeds for Carolina’s eventual demise.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!

It’s time for the first boot of the season, and Jalapao get to light up their torches for the first time. Unfortunately for one of them, it’ll only stay alight for about 10 minutes.

They get started and straight off the bat Jeff brings up how “no-one likes the old lady”. It very quickly becomes apparent from the rest of the tribe that Sandy’s decision to go off idol hunting might have just royally bitten her in the ass.

However, in a hint of not-so subtle foreshadowing, Jeff eventually turns the discussion on people’s impressions of Carolina, in which she reiterates how bossy and mouthy she is.

It’s time to vote!

Let’s read the votes. Who’s going to be Season 18’s first boot?

Welp. Goodbye Carolina, too bossy for her own good. We hardly knew ye.

See you guys for episode 2!