The Council for the Curriculum, Examination and Assessment (CCEA) has been forced to introduce a new qualification which will help parents and pupils understand the GCSE process.

They announced the plan this morning, after thousands of bewildered families received results letters.

“Apparently I’ve got 196 in Biology Unit 1A Higher Intermediate Geography,” we were told by 15-year-old Luke Stumped. “Seems this is a D, but it’s only worth 15.673% of my total mark, which I get after I do Unit 234 next June.”

“I haven’t a baldy what any of this means,” was the reaction of confused mother Nora Clue. “My Jack seems to have got an A* in Foundation Heart Surgery (Module 1.2 C) even though he didn’t sit the exam.”

A spokesman for CCEA claimed that the results were easy to understand.

“Look, you’ve got a column here which shows the subject, one for the module, then the mark, then the grade,” said the Council’s Head of Bollocks Barra Graph. “For example, if you want to get your final grade for Chemistry, all you have to do is add together the marks for Units 1, 3, 5 and 2, then allocate a weighting to each module, then multiply by 6 and divide by 12.”

“Then you just have to go to our website where you’ll find a series of cryptic challenges and a treasure hunt. If you complete all these tasks, you’ll be rewarded with an envelope containing the same figures that you started with.”

The new GCSE in GCSE Studies will begin in September. Students will be expected to complete 132 modules by November, when they’ll begin coursework which will contribute 83% towards one-third of their final mark.

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