CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Local CEO, Langcock Ryan-Hart (93) has today made a very stern phone call to his close friend and the gracious beneficiary of millions of dollars worth of political donations, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Lock them up, Scott”

“You promised to serve me unconditionally… Above all else!”

“You have one job. And that is to do away with these protestors and neutralise their movement!”

Mr Ryan-Hart has told Morrison that the parasitic druggie lefties involved in the Extinction Rebellion are disrupting his ability to continue accumulating an unsustainable level of wealth, after the CBD blockades and protests continue to compromise Australia’s 3rd-world standard public transport system.

With thousands of wage slaves working underneath him, Mr Ryan-Hart says if those people don’t get to work, he doesn’t get paid. And if he doesn’t get paid, the Coalition government doesn’t get paid.

He says this hysterical idea that the environment is suffering from burning fossil fuels non-stop at an accelerating rate for the three centuries since the industrial revolution is preposterous… and he shouldn’t be forced to consider even making the slightest compromise because some so-called scientists think he’s contributing to the end of humankind.

“These protesters are only doing one thing. Interrupting my means of production”

As a third-generation CEO of a family-owned resources corporation, Mr Ryan-Hart says his siblings and underachieving adult sons have been hit hardest by these protests.

“If they hurt me. They hurt the local economy. Both here in Mosman and in the Niseko ski fields” he says.

It is believed that Mr Morrison has assured the CEO that he is working hard to squash this growing public sentiment, and offered him yet another invitation to join his family at this Sunday’s HORIZON Church service in Cronulla. The invitation was again declined.

“I don’t care about any of your gotdam Happy Clapping. Just get these people off the streets so these fucking peasants can get to the office!”

“Ryan-Hart says after a week of protests shutting down the top-end of town, he’s got no option but to dock his employees wages for coming to work late due to incidents that are well and truly out of their control.

“But we all know who’s fault it really is. These bloody protesters!” he says.

“They need to get a job. I would hire them at the Blue Sky Mine office if they got a haircut… “

“But judging by their placard-slogan-writing abilities, they appear to be far too up to date with the Fair Work codes. It’s disgusting.”

“They are unemployable. Cut off their welfare”