So, you’re stuck at the office for what could be the biggest soccer match in American history, huh? (*Author’s note: I’m sure this is debatable, or maybe even laughable to bigger soccer historians than I, but that’s my feeling.)

First off, that sucks.

Second off, I feel your pain.

No, seriously. I’ll be there, right along with you, double clicking through screens chalk full of acronyms, legalese, and PowerPoint slides that utilize one of those corny-ass dissolving transitions every time.

Sure, some of you guys and girls might already have the day off (*Author’s note: lucky bastards) or some of you might be getting up from your parents’ couch in the basement to stumble out and grab an AM Crunch Wrap from Taco Bell with no other plans for your day than hitting the bong harder than Seth Rogen on 4/20, but some of us have to work.

The USMNT (*Author’s note: U.S. Men’s National Team, for those of you who don’t care or live in a Ted Kaczynski condo in the Montana woods) is going to be taking on Belgium at 3 PM CST — or in modern terminology, “Just Google it for your time zone” — and for most of us that means we’ll be smack dab in the middle of the work day.

So, what do you do? You can try to call in. You can hack and wheeze and try to self-impose a frog in your throat so large you sound like Louie Armstrong singing about wonderful worlds. You can hope that Jurgen Klinsmann writes you another note to take the day off.

Checks out on our end. All good for Tuesday too?? RT @aplusk: To whom it may concern… #LetsDoThis pic.twitter.com/Kcd8JhdzYw — U.S. Soccer (@ussoccer) June 27, 2014

You can drown your sorrows in a freshly-renamed, steaming-with-pity, pile of syrup-doused Freedom Waffles and then sit at your cubicle blankly staring straight ahead and wishing that you could watch Tim Howard shred Marouane Fellaini’s manhood in 1080p.

Or. . .

You can follow these tips, catch at least some of the game on the low-low, and murder your work productivity while simultaneously exponentially increasing your patriotism just in time for Independence Day. So, what’re you gonna do?

1. Download the FIFA Smartphone App. or the Watch ESPN App

Are you essentially lining the pockets of that corrupt, plutocratic pissant, Sepp Blatter? Are you continuing our societal decay into a social-media driven blackhole of non-real-time-interaction? Who the F- cares?!?! This is do or die, Red, White, and Blue, screaming eagles in a divebombing, talon-grenade of glory.

At this point, if you don’t have a smartphone you’re either my Mom or you’re still riding the horse and buggy into town with this guy to try to sell your handmade rocking chairs.

Get the App. Use Twitter to openly root for Sepp to get a Blatter infection. Give yourself a chance to watch the U.S. move on.

(*Author’s note: a word to the non-unlimited-data folks out there: make sure you hop onto a wireless network or you’re going to slash and burn through your data plan with all the grace of a napalm explosion. I somehow got booted off my wireless while watching an earlier game in the Cup and ended up maxing out my data plan faster than you could say “Luis Suarez is a cannibal.” You try explaining to your wife why it’s so crucial that you watch Brazil play Mexico to a 0-0 tie in the group stages that you just ran up a gigantic tab from Verizon. See how it goes.)

2. Make sure you come correct with your earbud game

Discretion is the name of the game, here, people. It doesn’t matter if you dropped a hot $300 on a pair of Dr. Dre’s dopest Beats headphones, you can’t have the bossman see you toss on your gigantic, Princess Leia-looking red flags.

Whether you’re listening to the game on the radio, watching it on the phone/computer, or somehow pirating in a livestream from an obscure, virus-ridden site on the web it’s all about keeping things covertly low-key.

Run that flesh-toned ear bud up through your shirt like you’re Jack Bauer on a stealth mission. It’s virtually undetectable by the ruling class of the office and it also allows you to melodramatically throw it out of your ear like a lip-syncing Beyoncé whenever something exciting happens in the game.

3. Have your parachute page ready to go

What’s a parachute page? It’s a digital panic room for when you hear the boss’ wingtip loafers heading your direction. It’s what you use when it’s time to jump off the flaming, nose-diving, airplane of a career move that is live-streaming the World Cup on your office computer.

When you hear those ominous Steve Madden footfalls heading your direction just leap into an innocuous, psuedo-important looking document with a vague title that you have ready-made and you’ll appear to be doing actual, you know, office stuff. Here’s one I whipped up in short order.

4. Make sure your work schedule is clear for the time of the game

If it’s 2:45 and you hear someone further down your row mentioning a meeting or a project of any kind this is what you need to do:

5. If you’re going to try to listen to the game/follow it on social media and then mad-dash to a TV in the company break room to watch the climactic last few minutes, you need a gameplan

You can’t just expect to catch the last few minutes of the United States of America V. Belgium without having a gameplan laid out to allow you to succeed. I recommend drawing up a play and then preparing to execute when the time comes.

6. Try to find company approved acronyms so you can technically chant “USA. . .USA. . .USA!” and still have it be work related.

Here’s a list that I was able to find online. Chant away, people.

United States Attorney — For all you lawyers who will be watching in your leather chairs from your office that smell of rich mahogany.

United Synagogue of America — If you’re a soccer loving rabbi and you don’t want to get busted for catching the game.

United Scenic Artists — If you’re not actually employed.

Unicycling Society of America — If you’re working for an online dating company and you’re recommending to clients what not to put on their profile.

Universities Safety Association — If you’re really not very good at your job as a campus cop and you are catching some of the game while an entire football team of delinquents steal hundreds of bikes.

Underground Sewer Adapter — Because even plumbers need a break from working on pipes and fighting giant, prehistoric, monsters in your sewer system.

FIN