There isn’t much going on in the sporting world today. Sure, ESPN would have you believe that today is a big day in Citius, Altius, Fortius, but we mostly know that the 2015 ESPYs are a self-aggrandizing congratulations-to-us for a network that pats more backs than a Shiatsu masseuse.

But, let’s be honest: what else are you going to watch? It’s the middle of summer. It’s Wednesday. RIP, Shark Week. So why not sit down, fire up your internet-hate-watching-commentary device of choice and turn on the ESPYs. Better yet: why not crack open a cold one or dive into your liquor cabinet (*Author’s note: you snob!) and play our 2015 ESPYs drinking game to make ESPN go down a little smoother.

Take One Drink:

“And now, from the upcoming film. . .”

When Joel McHale makes an obligatory LeBron joke *Bonus Drink*: when the camera cuts to LBJ and he laughs — in equally obligatory fashion — hysterically.

When cameras find Gronk and he looks like he’s, at the minimum, 8 Vegas Bombs deep.

If Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Sports Awards Host Russell Wilson and his boo-thang Ciara are caught on camera and it appears that Russ is distracted due to his, you know, talking to God and stuff.

*Bonus Drink*: if you’re going to always call him either THE PROPHET Russell Wilson and/or Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Sports Awards Host Russell Wilson from now on. I know I am.

If someone makes a “well, Jeter does have lots of time on his hands, these days” crack, clearly showing that they lack the proper Re2pect for the Jeets.

If McHale makes an Arm-bar joke involving Ronda Rousey.

**WOMEN’S WORLD CUP STANDING OVATION ALERT!**

Take Two Drinks:

When Jack Bauer comes to the stage to present. No gimmicky joke here. You just make damn sure you pour one out for the man who repeatedly saved our country from bio-terrorist attacks & presidential assassination plots. *DRINK YOUR ENTIRE DRINK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY KIEFER SUTHERLAND’S FULL NAME*



When you have to Google: Who are Crown and the M.O.B.?

When you find them on the internet and you realize that ESPN’s house band looks like a hipster version of The Roots.

When someone comes with a DeAndre Jordan changing his mind joke! *BONUS DRINK*: if it somehow involves emojis.

If anyone has the stones to mention the dearly departed Bill Simmons

If anyone mentions Joel McHale’s crowning theatrical achievement.

If Hardashian is shown on camera and James looks like he borrowed his outfit from Khloe’s women’s line of clothing. (*Author’s note: That’s my new name for the James Harden/Khloe Kardashian fledgling power couple. Do we still do that thing, where we take both names and then put them together for one name?)

Take 3 Drinks

When there’s a mandatory reference to deflated balls.

If that mandatory reference is actually about Brett Favre and not the Patriots

When JJ Watt makes an appearance and you realize that his suit required more fabric than the entirety of New York Fashion Week.

They call out the nominations and you realize that some a-hole at ESPN wanted to turn A-Rod into human click-bait by adding including him in the festivities.

If anyone you know, have spoken with, or may have shared the same hemisphere with, admits to picking a play from The Bahamas Bowl as the “Play of the Year.”

Peyton Manning’s 5-Head explodes onto your screen in such epic proportions that you feel certain it’s in 3D. Even though you don’t have a 3D TV.

Chug it. . .Chug it

When Vince Vaughn gets to present an award and ends up firing into an unintelligible monologue that somehow involves rats and papier mâché and leaves everyone really confused and unhappy feeling about everything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgI0CZhXbo0

If Britney Spears does her presentation and the only thing you can think about is how she should’ve done it in this absurdly squeaky leather jumpsuit.

If, in a stunning turn of events, escaped Mexican drug lord, El Chapo, pops up from a tunnel that has been built constructed underneath the Microsoft Theater and claims his Comeback Player of the Year award.

FIN