







there’s a new star trek game. It lets you pull any crewmembers from any time… I have decided to produce a horror of unimaginable annoyingness, because sleep evades me and the poison ivy on my arms is driving me to research the exact provenance of Scotty’s liquer on the Green. I submit this to you, my masterpiece… The worst crew a Q could pick. The team that cannot survive… and probably will, because there’s always some plot armor left for the ones you hate the most. Behold, a Team so bad, Adding Arnold Rimmer would be improving their effectiveness by 200%.



The captain must be as weak as he is indecisive. There must be someone whose ability to fuck things up is only matched by his inability to die from his mistakes. Captain Reginald Broccoli Barkley takes the chair.





A first office must be strong, Decisive, and fill in for his captain’s weaknesses. Since we hate this crew and want them all to die, Wesley Crusher takes the number one runner up prize. A more suitable candidate we can’t find outside of Starscream, but he’s two universes over.



Look at him. A Dictionary Example of Backpfeifengesicht.



Our chief engineer must be knowledgeable, react quickly, and work with his staff. That’s something we actually have right - But it’s Lore Soong, so if his engineering gold-shirts survive more than an episode without maimings, well…. Let’s say we have to keep our medic busy.



Chief medical officer… Doctor Phlox. Competent. Abraisive. Like Neelix with a bedside manner. I actually Like Phlox, but he’s got Token Bizarro Cultured Alien Syndrome and a medbay full of xenobiological contaminants specimens waiting to be set loose, so he’s in.









Our Communications officer…. Neelix. Because he can’t just poison them all. We want them to suffer. Ergo, Out of the kitchen and into the Comms seat he goes, where he can do the most damage.



For our helmsmen… we need Jake and Nogg. Because nothing says helmsmen like the two self sealing stem bolt salesmen that made you wish for Westley…but only for a microsecond.



And for security… Hm……. Ezri Dax… because, while she has all the knowledge of Klingon fighting technique (and opera) and combat experience she could ever hope for from her tenure as all the other Daxes, including the intimidating Jadzia … well… Watching her put that to use instead of her skills as a Councillor may make up for the hate I feel for the rest of the ship. She’d be Adorable, like a bunny mauling a Targ. And hey, someone on this boat has to be normal.

This crew, aboard the Soul-eating speed-ship, The Equinox, from Voyager, because nothing says Diplomatic Mission like an actual vessel-powered-by-warcrimes, will take on the universe, as directed by Q…. I may indeed be a monster.

