ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying the lack of conclusive data from the demographic group had only piqued their interest further, officials at Rasmussen Reports admitted Tuesday that, despite their best efforts, they were no closer to being able to predict the mercurial behaviors of the nation’s beguiling female vote. “Based on our findings, the true beliefs and political persuasions hidden within the fickle mind of the female voter cannot be learned through a geographically distributed 12-question landline survey alone,” said Rasmussen spokesperson Peter Carignan, smiling and shaking his head in intrigued puzzlement as he presented survey responses showing women of different ages giving starkly opposing answers to which 2016 presidential candidate they favored. “Every time we think we’ve pinned down where this peculiar and bewitching voting bloc stands on gun control and the Affordable Care Act, they surprise us with their distinctive feminine caprice, and we find, much to our chagrin, that we actually know less about them than we believed we did at the outset. It’s time to face the possibility that we may never know what makes these enchanting, mysterious voters tick.” Carignan added that the voting behavior of white evangelical males aged 55 to 70 remains mind-numbingly boring to predict.

Advertisement