I don’t even know where to fucking start.

Guess the beginning. The second I heard the patter of piano at the end of the Chuck Season Two premiere, I knew I’d found something special. Immediately googling the lyrics “I need human heat” I found the song: “The Twist” by Frightened Rabbit. Being 14, I had to wait until Christmas for an iTunes card. Come Christmas 2009, I finally was able to download The Midnight Organ Fight. The album’s first track, “The Modern Leper” became one of my Top Ten favorite songs of all time. The lyrics to this song and every other song on the album are graphic, yet beautiful. They are personal. They are vivid. I was able to gather from these lyrics that the singer had dealt with mental illness, but had music to cope with and share with others. Over the course of 9th and 10th grade, that album was basically all I listened to. I still have a song I wrote in 2010 tentatively titled “Leper” because of that song’s influence. I know of at least two more demos (“Walk Away” and “FRabbits”) that I heavily “borrowed” Frightened Rabbit vibes from. Frightened Rabbit’s Midnight Organ Fight and Weezer’s Pinkerton were wholly responsible for my development as a songwriter.

My dad and I had tickets to see them in Seattle in 2010. It was a Sunday and we’d driven all the way up to Neumos. Upon arriving, we learned that Frightened Rabbit would not be going on until around midnight. Unfortunately I had school the next day and my dad had work. We decided to sell our tickets to a couple of fans that weren’t lucky enough to score tix.

Fast-forward to 2013 and Frightened Rabbit released a fantastic new album, Pedestrian Verse. “State Hospital” and “Acts of Man” are still staples on many of my playlists and stellar additions to Frightened Rabbit’s catalogue. That March, I finally was able to see them. It was a Friday in Seattle. My entire family had tickets to it. The show was incredible. The Twilight Sad was the opener and the singer appeared to have pissed his pants or spilt something right before show time. Frightened Rabbit did not disappoint. It was a blissful hour and thirty-eight minutes. I owe special thanks to the guy who repeatedly shouted “The Twist” enough times where lead singer Scott Hutchison obliged. Hearing the song that introduced me to Frightened Rabbit played live was a magical moment I was lucky enough to capture. I don’t believe there was one song I wanted to hear that wasn’t played. They delivered that night.

Over the next couple years, my love for Frightened Rabbit fell slightly to the wayside. Scott released a solo album as Owl John that didn’t quite strike me and I probably found other bands or something. I’m not exactly sure what went on, but in 2016 Frightened Rabbit announced a new record and my hype returned. Snatching up tix to their Portland show for the whole family, we were beyond excited to see our band again. I actually ended up winning a contest to gain two additional tickets as well as a signed poster.

That signed poster along with the signed album I scored via preorder are now two of my most prized possessions. Last week Scott was reported missing after a couple of troubling tweets. I’d heard that Scott would disappear occasionally to clear his head and escape but never had the band posted a message urging fans to contact the police if they’d seen him. The next two days, I was constantly checking Reddit, Facebook and Twitter hoping to see good news regarding Scott. Just as I was going to bed that night, I saw that police had recovered “a body” in the search for Scott. My heart sank and I knew what news I would be waking up to. I put down my phone and went to sleep. The next morning I saw confirmation that the body had been Scott’s. I was heartbroken. The man who’s voice taught me how to write songs was gone. It was like I lost a best friend or family member. Spending the following weekend with my friends was a pleasant distraction but I kept needing to hear Scott’s voice. I would need to play a Frightened Rabbit song every so often because I still couldn’t believe Scott was gone. The next few days I tried to listen to other artists but again, I was drawn to Scott. I miss him so much. A man I’d never met, seen physically twice, but I’d known for years. In my saved photos I have the initial post’s screenshot stating his disappearance. The last line keeps cutting into me. “We are worried and we love you so so much.” That duplicate “so” is devastating. Scott’s brother Grant (Frightened Rabbit’s drummer) made an additional desperate plea stating, “we love you very very much.” Seeing these posts in my saved photos constantly brings me back to this sadness. When David Bowie died, I was sad for a day, maybe two. I have never felt the sadness I feel for Scott. He truly played a crucial part in my personal and musical development. I wish I could have been with him and I am so sorry his last thoughts must have been so negative. He did so much for me and inspired such positivity for all his fans. We didn’t just lose a singer to our favorite band. We lost our friend, drinking buddy, teacher, and conscience. Thank you Scott. Thank you so so much.

Favorite Albums:

Pedestrian Verse

The Midnight Organ Fight

Other Albums:

Painting of a Panic Attack

The Winter of Mixed Drinks

Sing The Greys