Any and all song lyrics or quotes or whatever, wherever you put them and whatever kind of lettering, it all sucks, sucks, sucks. There was an astoundlingly eloquent piece written against this sort of thing and I'll be damned if I can find it. If I ever do find it again, I will link to it, promise. EDIT: Thanks to bad-ass readers Al and JonDredd, I have the link right effin' here . Please read, it's great stuff.

I know what you're thinking: "Well, YOU'RE the artist! YOU use your imagination to design something!" I'd love to. But you want stupid fucking lettering. There is nothing remotely interesting or imaginative about that. If you handed me the lyrics and said, "Draw me a picture of what these words inspire," That would be kick ass. Once, as an experiment, a regular of mine handed me a printout of lyrics for a later appointment. For shits and giggles, I drew a picture of what I saw in my head. She came back for the appointment and okayed the lettering. Then I pulled out the drawing. She took it in her hands, and I could see her trembling. Tears welled up in her eyes, and with a hitch in her voice, she said, "Oh, my God, that is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

She got the lettering tattoo anyway. And I never again wasted my time creating a breathtaking, one-of-a kind artistic masterpiece for someone who wanted lettering.

Let me also add, and this is in particular regards to song lyrics, that your tastes do change as you age. This would fly in the face of the idea of tattoos altogether, that you might outgrow them as you get older. Not so; with an image, you can merely ascribe any meaning to it that you like. The roaring lion that you got to be a badass when you were twenty could be the symbol of familial pride as you become a parent, then a grandparent. The butterfly you got to represent your youthful beauty could come to represent your emergence as a wiser woman after a bad marriage. The meaning of images is mutable, the meaning of words is fixed. There is no flexible explanation for the tattoo pictured above, its meaning remains constant for an eternity.

I'm what they call 'middle aged' now. The other day I was driving along and a song came on Pandora that I hadn't heard in ages. As I listened to the lyrics that I used to joyfully shout at the top of my lungs as a teenager, I found myself saying, 'Oh, my God!" aloud to no one. I was horrified, and gave the song a thumbs-down, hoping to never hear it again. Immediately, I gave silent thanks that I did not grow up in the era where one gets a massive tattoo of their favorite song lyrics, for I would indeed have some serious cover-up work to get done today. Speaking of cover-ups, don't think you won't one day. In the last two weeks alone I covered up three tattoos of song lyrics. All three people said the same thing: "Well, it really meant something at the time...." And what is a more expensive pain in the ass than trying to cover a giant block of all-black bullshit? Nothing. If you have lyrics tattooed on you anywhere, I suggest you start a small savings account for your future coverup.

4. The Magical Side Of The Finger Tattoo That Will Always Look Perfect Because Rihanna's Does.

A man wrote a very thoughtful piece about his finger tattoos which is pretty relevant to what I'm saying, although his take on the matter was rather philosophical. It was a great piece, but I'm going to cut to the chase here and show you what happens. And when you come to me and want "Shhh" on your finger because Rihanna has it, I will explain to you what's going to happen. And you will insist that her tattoo always looks perfect and never fades. I have three explanations for this:

1. Rihanna can afford to get tattooed whenever she wants, and going to the tattoo parlor every other week is likely part of her routine

2. Photoshop

3. You have no fucking idea what you're talking about

Despite what I tell you, you will remain convinced that you will beat the odds, and you will not. Here is the aforementioned man's finger tattoos, before and after:





This is pretty much what 99.99% of finger tattoos become. I'm only telling you to stop getting them because you refuse to listen to what we tell you about them, you refuse to manage your expectations, and then you have the gall to come back, shove your finger in our faces and say, "LOOK at it! It's ALL FUCKED UP!" Yeah, well, we warned you. Sorry you're not as magical as you hoped you were, but we tried to tell you that. Until you can get these and stop acting like whiny twats about it, I'm resisting. Besides, hand tattoos are for hardasses. Well, they used to be. Also, not to be a wet blanket, but the economy is in the toilet. As an unemployed recent grad with 70K in student debt and no job, you might not want to try so hard to make yourself unemployable. Jus' sayin'.