While it may look like the canopy bed’s older svelte brother, the HiCan #smartbed is actually a lot weirder than that.

It’s described as “an intimate cocoon to connect and communicate” and promises “to make life experience more authentic.” Not sure whether that’s before or after you start to “enjoy a new concept of lifestyle and comfort.”

… Yeah.

I’m not convinced that the act of sleeping needs disruption to this degree. And even if it does, then getting a $38K wifi-enabled bed with a built-in HD-projector and 70”-screen in addition to the Apple TV, dimmers, an invisible surround sound system, and blinds (all app-controlled) seems like an incredible commitment to a sedentary lifestyle. And that’s all before learning it can be paired to an X-Box or Playstation.

Bed (3 images)

On one hand, it’s the kind of thing we drew pictures of as kids imagining our dream toys. And I’m not going to lie, movie nights in this thing would be the best thing ever, every single time. But on the other, it’s maybe too much like a dream toy. When I’m trying to get a good night’s rest, the last thing that helps are pings, flashes of light or sounds. Also: can I see the data that says an authentic life is best lived supine with phone-hand cramps?

And then there’s this slightly unsettling answer to an FAQ:

“There are many ways in which you can potentially profit from owning a HiCan due to its unique nature and mass appeal. Like us, you can perform media demonstrations, attend shows and events, gain corporate sponsorship, and even lease your bed out for film and commercial work. We can help provide you with some of these opportunities.”

What kind of film work we talking here? This is all starting to sound like a big commitment for a smart mattress.

Our bed may be dumb, but at least it has good memory foam.