“It was like watching ‘The Irishman’ with just one unconvincingly de-aged criminal.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The only purpose of the press briefing is to give valuable information to a confused public in the middle of a national crisis, so, of course, Trump used it to brag about himself. It’s like if the fireman showed up to your burning house, and instead of picking up a hose he said, ‘Wow, this inferno is the perfect backdrop for my one-man show about how it’s not my fault that your house is burning down. And a five, six, seven, eight: [sings] I didn’t start the fire! It was always burning but you didn’t listen.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“He was almost foaming at the mouth. He was huffing and puffing so much, you’d think he’d just done a sit-up.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“But true to his word, Trump did have a list of what he did to fight the coronavirus in February, and in a ‘Late Show’ exclusive, I’ve got it right here. It includes: ‘a lot’; ‘banged pots in case virus is like bears’; ‘sent virus $130,000 to make it go away’; ‘wrote angry letter to the prime minister of Corona’; ‘socially distanced Eric’ — that’s smart; ‘called virus “little covi” on Twitter’; and ‘put off everything until March.’ Let’s have that note notarized and sent to the Library of Congress, please.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“OK, just so we’re on the same page, Trump has now promised us a list of all the preparations he took in February, and an explanation of why he has total power as the president. And I’m assuming he’ll deliver all of those pieces of paper when he sends over his tax returns and his high school report on ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.’ Yeah, at this point, Trump has more pages to release than George R.R. Martin. Where’s the final book, George? You’ve been stuck at home with nothing else to do!” — TREVOR NOAH