Consumer groups have long bemoaned the "Servicewüste Deutschland" (service desert Germany), a dearth of decent, polite sales assistants in shops and restaurants. The Bundesliga, too, seems to be blighted by this shameful phenomenon these days: when the Stuttgart keeper Jens Lehmann asked a Hannover ballboy for a quick return of the playing object – his side were losing 0-1 in the AWD-Arena on Saturday – the lad took his time and then cheekily threw the ball over Lehmann's outstretched arms to chew up another fraction of a second for his team.

"What kind of culture is this?" the 39-year-old was heard cursing loudly after his team's fourth defeat in a row. "I wonder if people want to see these scenes. By faking injuries and pulling stunts like those, Hannover wasted 10 minutes. I find it awful that ballboys are being taught to cheat."

But was it all a case of mistaken identity? With his earring, Sandy Toksvig-haircut and voluptuous body shape, the offending ballboy looked suspiciously like … a ballgirl? Hannover later did confirm the perpetrator as one Aron Schulz, 14, however. "I was only doing my job," said the boy, even though he patently wasn't. The referee, Guido Winkmann, duly reported an incident of "unsporting conduct". Hannover will be fined, Schulz perhaps suspended (or demoted to an amateur game?) but Stuttgart are unlikely to benefit. They have slumped to 14th spot and remain in a severe crisis.

"We are patient," said the sporting director, Horst Heldt, about Markus Babbel's future prospects on the Stuttgart bench. "He's not our manager because of his good work in the past but because of his good work now." Babbel once again bemoaned his side's profligacy and insisted that "the positive trend" continued – "I can't fault the team, as stupid as it sounds." To be fair, Stuttgart were supremely unfortunate to lose against 96. They hit the post twice and conceded a goal by Didier Ya Konan that should have been ruled out for offside. "I don't think it's possible to have more bad luck," said Lehmann. "I hope that we've hit rock bottom now. It can only get better now."

Stuttgarter Zeitung is less optimistic, though. "Welcome to the relegation fight," was their take on the proceedings, mindful of the fact that the Swabians will entertain Bayern Munich on Saturday. Babbel, who has been unable to integrate the expensive new boys Alex Hleb, Pavel Pogrebnyak and Zdravko Kuzmanovic, knows that the board's backing won't last forever. "When there's no success, somebody will pull the emergency brake," Babbel said before the latest defeat. Tuesday night, a German Cup match at Second Division team Greuther Fürth, will probably constitute his last chance to avoid the sack.

Acute lack of credit is also Felix Magath's problem at Schalke, albeit in a more literal sense. His Royal Blues played out a thrilling 3-3 draw with Hamburg on Sunday night; Kevin Kuranyi and the HSV striker Marcus Berg each scored twice in a game that had pace, class and all the goals that were missing the week before.

Unfortunately, it was slightly overshadowed by newspaper reports that painted an ever darker picture of Schalke's finances. Welt am Sonntag exposed a complex net of subsidiary companies which allegedly circulate money between themselves and mask the true extent of the club's debt. As much as €100m (£91.7m) could be owed by these companies in addition to the €137m deficit that Schalke have reported to the league. "We've never hidden these numbers," insisted the managing director, Peter Peters. Magath, however, seems shocked by the figures. "I haven't yet completely understood the financial set-up," he said cryptically. "I get the feeling this complex system is designed in order that one doesn't have to disclose certain things."

It all comes back to Schalke "living the dream", the same way Leeds United and Newcastle did. Following the two clubs' lead in 2003, Schalke raised €85m through a securitisation deal that mortgaged future ticket sales. The same London-based financier, Stephen Schechter, then raised another €55m for the club by borrowing against sponsorship deals with Adidas and Gazprom. Schalke have spent all this money upfront and need to plug a €20m gap in the budget for this season. Magath will either have to sell players or reach the Champions League, otherwise S04 need to raise new equity by selling parts of the stadium. If they default on the €85m loan, they even could be forced into insolvency.

The other week, when Magath returned to Stuttgart and won 2-1 with Schalke, the manager was asked whether he preferred to be in Markus Babbel's shoes. What was better, points on the board but no money in the bank, or vice versa? "Perhaps Stuttgart can buy the points off us," came the sarcastic reply. As far as Schalke is concerned, this is actually a tried and trusted method to do business – but sadly, like most get-rich-quick schemes, quite illegal. Expect plenty of "Manuel Neuer to Man Utd/Arsenal/Bayern"-type stories in the coming weeks in the run-up to a January fire sale. "Kevin Kuranyi to Liverpool" is unlikely to happen, however. Now that the 27-year-old has ditched his comedy haircut, it's hard to fathom what Rafa Benítez could possibly see in him.

Talking points

• Taking off one of your forwards for a third centre-back is a classic managerial ploy – but not when your team desperately needs a goal. After another semi-shambolic display, Bayern were being held to a 1-1 draw by Eintracht Frankfurt with four minutes to go when Louis van Gaal brought on Martín Demichelis in place of Luca Toni. The 69,000 fans in the Allianz Arena had barely time to shout the German equivalent of "You don't know what you're doing" (Hey! Pfui!) at the Dutch manager, before big Daniel van Buyten popped up with the winning header. Van Gaal had asked the defender to deputise as a striker while Demichelis slotted in at the back. Just in case anyone had missed this successful trick, Van Gaal jumped up and down on the touchline, pointing his index finger at his forehead. It's all in the mind, in his brilliant mind, you see. Van Gaal, (a little) wary to be seen as arrogant, later joked that he was just rearranging a strand of hair.

• Günter Netzer scored his famous 1973 cup final winner, again and again. You couldn't move for lucky boots, lucky shirts and droll anecdotes in the pre-match build-up and even German police, fearing hooliganism, believed the hype: for the first time in the history of the Bundesliga, a total ban of alcohol was imposed on a city before kick-off. All five pubs in Mönchengladbach had to stay shut, in other words. Unfortunately, little of note happened on the pitch during the Rhein derby between Borussia and Köln. One TV pundit said he had enjoyed queueing at the autobahn exit more than this drab 0-0 affair. The main talking point came when Lukas Podolski refused to take a corner because of missiles from the stand. Gladbach accused him of play-acting, Köln said he didn't. Which just goes to show that there was actually no main talking point.

• Manuel Friedrich scored the equaliser in Leverkusen's 1-1 draw at home to Dortmund and was later slapped in the face by the Borussia manager, Jürgen Klopp, for his troubles. "The German FA needs to investigate the incident," said the defender after the final whistle. But this was the famous sense of German humour at play: Klopp and Friedrich are in fact best buddies after working together at Mainz, and Klopp's attack was the footballing version of a love bite. "If anyone had to score against us, I don't mind that it was him," said the Dortmund coach, smiling at his former player. The point was enough for Bayer to stay top.

Results: Leverkusen 1-1 Dortmund, Bayern 2-1 Frankfurt, Mainz 3-0 Freiburg, Gladbach 0-0 Köln, Hoffenheim 3-0 Nürnberg, Hannover 1-0 Stuttgart, Schalke 3-3 Hamburg, Bochum 1-4 Werder, Hertha 0-0 Wolfsburg.

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