Guest TML: Mike Brown has made the Bengals the Uruguay of the NFL

We are nine days away from the Super Bowl, and for the 30th consecutive season the Bengals will not be participating. Apparently that stretch of futility is not only acceptable to the denizens of 1 Paul Brown Stadium but promulgated. If you want to read about Federer making another Australian Open Final, the return of the XFL, or over-hyped topics such as Tiger Woods’ season debut or the NBA All-Star game draft, you should skip this and return or Monday for Doc's varied musings. If you prefer to participate in some primal scream therapy about the Bengals, stick around.

Intro. Still here? Great. Thanks for continuing. I am still flabbergasted about the interview that Mike Brown gave to the Enquirer last week and his incredible level of detachment from what most of us view as an objective set of facts. Please do not get me wrong – I have tremendous respect for Mike as a person and as a member of the community. He kept the Bengals in town in 1995 when charlatans such as Art Modell, Bud Adams and Georgia Frontiere broke the hearts of their communities by moving their teams. He also furtively reiterated that he will not leave in 2026. I have written to Mike Brown three times over the years and he has responded thoughtfully all three times. He remains true to his principles and is also quietly civic-minded while also taking care of his former players. That said, his myopia about his franchise operation skills and tactics makes Stevie Wonder seem eagle-eyed.

On Jan. 2, my friend Martin started an email with “I see that the Bengals are hiring your favorite coach.” With irony being difficult to convey in an email, I initially thought “Great, the Bengals hired Brian Kelly. What an uncharacteristic, out-of-the-box move by them. I wonder how BK will do in the NFL?” About 30 seconds later (I can be a bit slow at times), I realized that he meant that Marvin was returning. My joy and inquisitiveness rapidly turned to despair and anguish.

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Uruguay of the NFL. Are the Bengals the most non-newsworthy team in the NFL? NFL beat writers discuss the free-agent signings and draft maneuverings of seemingly every team in the NFL except the Bengals. No buzz ever emanates from 1 Paul Brown Stadium unless they draft a player who slugged his college girlfriend. The most coverage the Bengals received recently was last month when scribes thought that Marvin was not returning so reporters speculated on possible successors. Most reports about candidates stated that the Bengals would only hire someone who had career ties to the Bengals, presumably because only someone with ties would take the job. After Marvin was retained when every other franchise similarly situated would have fired him, I finally realized that the Bengals are akin to Uruguay.

There are 31 NFL teams who have a way of operating and then there are the Bengals. Some countries are economic powers (China, Germany), some are tourist spots (Italy, New Zealand), others live on faded glory (Austria, Greece), some are evil (Russia, Iran), and others are merely irrelevant on the global stage (Uruguay, Equatorial Guinea). The same applies to NFL franchises with the Dolphins and Giants representing faded glory, San Diego the tourist spot, and the Steelers and Patriots filling the roles of both power and evil. The Bengals are Uruguay – they have their own customs (no general manager, family-operated, prefer to hire from within) minimal tradition and history beyond the Freezer Bowl, and no presence on the larger stage of the NFL. Also, how a coach is involved in the community is a factor in retaining him despite two consecutive underachieving seasons, seven playoff losses and never once out-coaching an opponent. Meanwhile, the local minor league soccer team will soon have a practice bubble before the billion dollar NFL team does. FC Cincinnati is thinking and competing globally while the Bengals are content being Uruguay.

Everyone Remain Calm. After a year in which the Bengals missed the playoffs because their offense ranked last in total offense and 26th in scoring while only scoring more second-half points than first-half points in three games, some change should be forthcoming whether at the top or on the offensive side. Not in Uruguay, where the status quo remains. This week Cleveland (Cleveland!) hired Todd Haley who was the coordinator of the Cardinals when they reached the Super Bowl and produced explosive offenses for the Steelers the past six years. Green Bay re-hired Joe Philbin, who was the coordinator of their 2010 Super Bowl winner. The Bengals passed on both of those coaches and retained their coordinator, Bill Lazor, who had been fired by the lowly Dolphins the previous year. His primary credential was he had the benefit of inheriting the position after the hapless Ken Zampese was finally fired. In Uruguay, inertia trumps boldness or even common sense.

Katie, Have You Met Prince Charles? Every Bengals fan assumes that Mike Brown’s daughter, Katie Blackburn, will assume control of the team when he eventually retires. Her fingerprints were all over the hiring of Marvin Lewis in 2003. However, she cannot be so tone deaf to the desires of the fans to move on from Marvin that she acquiesced to his re-hiring earlier this month. This begs the larger question of when she will eventually obtain control of the team. There is a parallel to the British monarchy where the doddering old monarch clings to power too long while the successor in waiting misses out on her prime reigning years. Sadly, Mike Brown wields more power than Queen Elizabeth II, who is a mere figurehead. More sadly for Troy Blackburn, he is Camilla Bowles in this analogy.

Like Mike Brown, Dan Rooney and Wellington Mara were both sons of NFL owners. George Halas was a league founder and Al Davis was instrumental in the success of the AFL. All are lions of the NFL and have far larger legacies than Mike Brown. How they transitioned power should be instructive for Mike Brown, but he has ignored their actions. Because.

Rooney made the perennially horrible Steelers into the most successful team of the 1970s before he stepped aside in favor of his son at the age of 71. After a long playoff drought followed by a loss in the Miracle in the Meadowlands, Mara hired a general manager in 1978 and saw his franchise enjoy 25 years of success and win two Super Bowls before his death. Halas stepped aside as general manager and coach at the age of 72, although he was instrumental in hiring Mike Ditka the year before he died. Davis was his own 72-year-old general manager when the Raiders lost the Super Bowl to their former coach. He should have retired then, but he continued for another dismal 10 years low-lighted by the drafting of JaMarcus Russell. In Uruguay on the Ohio, the owner continues to operate the team long past the retirement ages of these more successful owners. He remains content with the status quo of not winning a playoff game during his entire tenure and retaining the coach whose playoff record of futility will never be surpassed.

In some families, the children take the keys away from their elderly parents for their own safety and the safety of others. In others, the 80-year-old parent's most important decision is where to eat Sunday dinner. In the Brown family, the patriarch is permitted to operate the family business and serve as its public face while causing the customers to lose their collective minds.

Groundhog Day. Does anyone think that the operations of the Bengals will change significantly when Mike Brown retires? I vote no. Even if her opinion and style of management differs significantly from her father’s, how soon can Katie make changes without being disrespectful to her father’s way of operating? Would it be easier to make those changes while he is alive and he can see them and feel slighted by them? Or would it be easier after he dies and she is in charge of his legacy, which would be further tarnished by drastic operational changes? This might be the most depressing aspect of this entire piece. Either way, changes will be slow and Bengals fans will continue their tortured existence.

Pandora’s Box. Raise your hand if you detest the Ravens as much as I do. They are my least favorite team in all of sports. I enjoyed the Dalton to Boyd miracle pass to knock the Ravens out of the playoffs. But, knowing what we now know, that the last-second victory over a very flawed Ravens team was instrumental in the re-hiring of Marvin Lewis, would you give the victory back? My answer is heck yes. Not only that, I could live with the Ravens winning the Super Bowl and seeing Ray Lewis interviewed and treated as a respected elder statesman if it meant that the Bengals were willing to contend for a championship rather than merely make the playoffs the next two years.

And This Makes Sense. While researching the Eagles' and Vikings' playoff frustration records last weekend, I ran across the stat that the Bengals are the team with the all-time worst playoff record. 5-14. The record is so bad that unless they win the Super Bowl the next time they make the playoffs they still will not move into 31st place. In looking at those stats, I realized that perhaps the reason Mike Brown is so tolerant of Marvin’s winless playoff record is that Paul Brown was winless in three playoff trips for the Bengals. But it also explains so much more. In Uruguay on the Ohio, it all comes down to what the old man did 50-plus years ago, modernity be damned.

Song of the Day. Sufan Stevens crafted a gorgeous piece of pop as the title track for “I, Tonya,” unsurprisingly titled “Tonya Harding.”

Thanks for reading. Thanks to Doc for allowing me to vent. Enjoy the weekend.