Less than 24 hours after the Senate’s Republican majority saved him from getting kicked out of office in the impeachment trial, President Donald Trump appeared in front of a podium in the White House and spewed a free-wheeling victory speech filled with personal grievances and bizarre tangents.

Trump’s First Target: Former FBI James Comey

Comey had nothing to do with the impeachment proceedings, but he’s apparently become a permanent resident of Trump’s brain nonetheless.

“Had I not fired James Comey, who was a disaster by the way, it’s possible I wouldn’t even be standing here right now,” he told the audience.

Trump was referring to his conspiracy theory that Comey was trying to take him down early in his presidency, but the President likely didn’t realize that his comment made it sound like he’d fired the law enforcement official to save himself from being investigated.

Trump says "it's possible" he wouldn't be in office if he hadn't fired James Comey pic.twitter.com/4mIYCi3VyT — TPM Livewire (@TPMLiveWire) February 6, 2020

Jim Jordan’s Physique And Workout Routine

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), one of Trump’s most loyal flunkies in Congress, got a special shout-out from Trump for keeping it tight.

“When I first got to know Jim Jordan, I said, huh, he never wears a jacket. What the hell is going on? He’s obviously very proud of his body,” the President commented as the audience laughed.

“They say when Jim works out, even though he’s not as young as he was but he works out, the machine starts burning,” he continued. “It’s just a different form of a workout than us, right, Sonny?” The President was perhaps referring to Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue.

Trump praises Rep. Jim Jordan's body and points out his wrestling ears pic.twitter.com/Cwn0JTRWX8 — TPM Livewire (@TPMLiveWire) February 6, 2020

Steve Scalise’s “Record For Blood Loss”

Trump spent several minutes describing in great detail how House Minority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA) was shot (or “whacked,” in Trump’s words) during a congressional baseball game practice in 2017.

“I think you set a record for blood loss,” he told the Republican congressman. “And actually I think you’re better-looking now. You’re more handsome now. You weren’t that good-looking.”

Trump praises Scalise pic.twitter.com/7C6BZ1JXsz — TPM Livewire (@TPMLiveWire) February 6, 2020

Not-So-Subtle Jabs At Romney

Trump had the restraint to not call out Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT), who was the one Republican to convict him, directly by name — but he might as well have.

“Then you have some that used religion as a crutch,” he said, an obvious reference to the GOP senator’s speech in which he cited his Mormon faith as the reason for his decision.

“But, you know, it’s a failed presidential candidate, so things can happen when you fail so badly running for president,” Trump snarked, echoing the same barb he had lobbed at Romney earlier on Thursday morning.

Trump invokes Mitt Romney, saying the Utah Republican used "religion as a crutch" in his vote against the President pic.twitter.com/2GMyXXERKO — TPM Livewire (@TPMLiveWire) February 6, 2020

Two Seconds Of Ceasefire With The Media

“I’ve done things wrong in my life, I will admit. Not purposely, but I’ve done things wrong. But this is what the end result is,” Trump said, holding up a copy of the Washington Post with the headline “Trump acquitted” splashed on the front page.

“We can take that home, honey, maybe we’ll frame it,” Trump joked to his wife, Melania. “It’s the only good headline I’ve ever had in the Washington Post.”

“But every paper is the same. Does anybody have those papers? Does anybody have them? Because they’re all like that, so I appreciate that,” he said in an apparently sincere tone.

Trump shows off the front page of the Washington Post pic.twitter.com/8mq7h7e22c — TPM Livewire (@TPMLiveWire) February 6, 2020

“It Was All Bullshit”

No Trump speech is completely without some form of whining about how unfair the media and/or investigators are to him, but the President’s rage ran truly unfettered on Thursday as he howled against those responsible for the impeachment that will forever stain his legacy.

The impeachment proceeding were “a phony, rotten deal” brought on by “very evil and sick people.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) “is a horrible person.” House Intelligence chair Adam Schiff (D-CA) “is a vicious, horrible person.” All the Democrats who voted for impeachment are “vicious as hell.”

But for Trump, the injustice began with the Russia scandal.

“We were treated unbelievably unfairly, and you have to understand we first went through Russia, Russia, Russia,” he fumed. “It was all bullshit.”