1. God damn, this is long af.

I’m used to long Drake albums after Views and More Life but holy shit, this thing just felt like it went on forever. At least More Life, which had a shorter runtime by the way, featured other artists and had songs like “4422” which gave us a break from the same droning sound of Drake’s voice. But, on Scoprion, with only four features over 25 songs, you’ll feel like you’ve gotten more from Drake than he’s given his own kid. Scoprion only further cements the idea that Drake doesn’t know how to structure an album. He can make a few hit singles but then he’ll just shove them in there with 20 or so other songs. “Nice For What” sounds incredibly out of place on the second side of the album and “God’s Plan” truly fits in nowhere (but there was no fucking way he was leaving that money maker off of this album).

2. This is sort of disgraceful to MJ.

One of the four features on the album is the one and only King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Drake decides to use a previously unheard sample of MJ on “Don’t Matter To Me”, which sounds like every other slow Drake song ever released. MJ’s vocals are distorted and AutoTuned to shit. It just seems sort of weird that he would choose to include such a sample, distort it, and call it feature. Jay Z, one of the other three features on the album, provides a verse that sounds like it wasn’t mixed properly. It sort of makes sense because Jay references XXX’s murder, meaning he would of had to have recorded it in the last week, but, still, why include an unmixed verse on the album? Both features sound out of place and forced, especially when compared to another feature, like Ty Dolla Sign, who, undoubtedly, has one of the best verses on the whole album. It’s as if Drake really thought he needed Jackson and Jay Z’s names to boost his sales numbers– which brings us to point #3.

3. Drake is not Gospel. Or Ambient Chill.

So why is it that he’s on the covers of the “Fresh Gospel” and “Ambient Chill” playlists on Spotify? And every other single playlist? Drake reportedly broke every Spotify streaming record with the release of Scorpion. I wonder why.

4. Happy Birthday Ratchet.

So fire it hurts to listen to.

5. Will Drake ever grow up?

Drake is a 31-year-old father rapping about Instagram models. Just about every song on Scorpion could have been on Views or More Life and I’m tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. Drake has reached the absolute top of the rap game, there is no arguing with that, but he’s stagnant nonetheless. He’s made the same song over fifty times now in the last three years and it’s time for something new. I haven’t heard him take any risks since If You’re Reading This You’re Too Late and I haven’t liked a full project he’s released since Take Care. I do believe that “God’s Plan” is the best song he’s ever made but, still, it sticks out like a sore thumb on Scorpion. The album feels rushed and as if half of it was rerecorded after the Pusha T diss to make it seem like Drake was going to acknowledge his child all along.

In the end, it’s just another Drake album. People with go crazy over it for a little while, they’ll realize that only like five songs are worth listening to, and then Drake will drop the same album next year with a different five songs.

Rinse and repeat.