Millions of closet Tories to come out in UK’s first Greed Pride march

Selfish bastards from across England who have consigned the rest of the UK to a five-year shitstorm, have decided to come out of the closet in an unprecedented show of public pride.

Tired of the refrain “But I’ve never actually met a Tory,” those who too ashamed to share their voting intentions with even the opinion pollsters will march in central London to state publicly just how mean-spirited they are.

“My dream is that one day declaring to friends or colleagues ‘I don’t care about poor people’ will be just as socially acceptable as ‘I’m gay’ or ‘I’m a woman’ has become,” said 35-year-old marketing manager Darren Casey, one of Greed Pride’s founders.

Previously anonymous Tories spoke of the relief of finding others willing to go public about voting preferences deemed degenerate by right-thinking members of society.

“Even since I was about 11 years old I’ve known I was a Tory but I’ve just not felt able to admit it,” said one Greed Pride marcher.

“There’s such a stigma attached to it.”

“I’ve always had to bite my tongue when lefty friends say something like, ‘children in poor areas should be educated’, or ‘disabled people aren’t all feckless spongers’.”

Greed Pride

For others, the appeal of Greed Pride is more visceral than intellectual.

“I got the horn when Julian Clary said he’d been fisting Norman Lamont all those years ago,” drooled Tory voter Chaz Borthwick.

“But there was no way I could admit it. Thanks to the breakthrough of Greed Pride, millions of us can now get off on George Osborne shafting the entire nation,” he added.