please, ebbe. please.

Dear Ebbe,

You’ve now been the Linden Lab CEO for at least ten minutes, and I want to congratulate you on your work thus far. I don’t know what exactly you’ve done… but I’m sure it’s been incredible.

Many people from the Second Life creator/artist community have reached out to you with long and mundane diatribes about what you need to do to keep this virtual world thriving. Do not listen to these people. We both know they’re kinda boring. Let’s be real, Ebbe.

By now you probably know how much of the Second Life economy rests in virtual penises and sex couches. Your SL citizens invest a staggering amount of money in making sure their characters have access to countless ways to have sex in many different interesting, yet sometimes unrealistic, positions and places.

Everyone—bronies, furries, rednecks, old people—just wants to abandon their grotesque physical form to engage in some uncensored pixelated debauchery, and GOD BLESS THEIR SOULS! This is freedom, Ebbe! Freedom to bang anyone you want! This is the essence of Second Life!

This is my plea to you to nurture these communities. Schedule some LL-sponsored orgies. Throw in some lectures on the importance of foreplay. I don’t know. It’s up to you.

This would be beneficial for the both of us.

Thanks, Ebbe.

Sincerely,

Critically Acclaimed SL Auteur, Charles ‘Fast Car’ Winsmore