During Sunday night’s broadcast of Disneyland 60, a tribute to the world famous theme park, Harrison Ford introduced a teaser video for Star Wars Land, Disney’s ambitious new expansion set to debut at Disney Land and Disney World Resort. The clip was light on details outside the obvious experiences: you’ll be able to fly the Millennium Falcon, watch a battle between the Resistance and The First Order, and tour Star Wars-inspired locales including a cantina, a space lounge and a restaurant. Ford’s voiceover did most of the heavy lifting as the teaser was limited to a few seconds of video and lots of slow panning shots of concept art. Some of the illustrations shown looked suspiciously like Disney’s planned Avatar Land, but to quote Maz Kanata, “That’s a story for another day.” Hopefully Disneyland 60 left you thirstier for more intel on Star Wars Land, because that’s what we’re serving up after the jump. Unless you’re a droid, of course.

FSW reached out to several sources yesterday to dig up more details regarding Star Wars Land. As it turns out, a friend of a sister of a cousin of our good pal Jacen’s texted us back in time for this morning’s deadline. And what “Darth Shkrellious” shared will make you book your tickets to Star Wars Land yesterday!

It appears most of the new experiences planned will revolve around the Sequel Trilogy for the time being. There will be a few token rides that pay homage to the Original Star Wars Trilogy a la Star Tours but it’s clear Disney is focusing on integrating rides based on the newest films. Sadly yet unsurprisingly, there is nothing based on the Prequel Trilogy at Star Wars Land. There is a bit of good news for pod racer and gungan fans though. “Darth Shkrellious” mentioned Disney may integrate rides based on Episodes 1-3 in a decade or two after the installments are redone and corrected for their perceived shortcomings.

Now let’s take a tour of the rides our source claims are being constructed for the debut of Star Wars Land tentatively scheduled for December 2018:

Rathtar Run — Imagine being trapped in a maze fashioned to look like Han Solo’s freighter. At every turn there are Kanjiklub and Guavian Death Squad members, which you must avoid. But then a circuit is heard, and a trio of rathtars come rolling through the corridors! “Shkrellious” claims Rathtar Run will re-purpose a few boulders that didn’t make the cut for the Indiana Jones Adventure motion ride. These large spheres are being painted with a mix of latex and spaghetti sauce to look extra red and deadly delicious. Several appendages are also being hot glued onto the rathtars. The actual technology behind the smart sphere boulders is being developed by Spheero, the company behind soccer ball droid BB-8. These rathtars will be the biggest smart spheres the company has ever developed. Operators will be able to send the rathtars careening in any direction and control both their speed and arm suckers independently.

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ OR RIDE THE FOLLOWING EXPERIENCE IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE FORCE AWAKENS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!



Han Solo’s Death Drop – This one’s sure to be controversial among fans. Taking place 3 stories off the ground, Han Solo’s Death Drop lets you re-enact the most heart-wrenching moment of Episode VII. As you approach a hologram of Kylo Ren, you must scream “Ben!” to make the villain turn around and remove his helmet. Disney is using bleeding-edge hologram tech for this experience and Kylo is said to look amazingly life-like, especially in the darkened rafters housing the experience. After Ben Solo delivers his monologue, he’ll then skewer you with his lightsaber, recreated with a vibration that you feel from head to toe. The villainous son of Solo then tosses you off the bridge… onto a huge air mattress.

As great as that sounds, the keepsake for the traumatic, pathos-laden encounter might even trump the free fall. A camera captures the moment you get skewered, and you can purchases your “Death by Kylo” souvenir photo at the booth just outside the experience. We are definitely doing the hand caressing face bit on the hologram. Our “Death Drop” photo’s going over the holiday mantel. Sorry, Sheev on a Shelf.

The Jedi Steps Rock Wall – Hope you’re in shape, Star Wars fans, because this experience requires you to scale several cliff walls, stacked one on top of another, then climb hundreds of stairs, in order to finally come face to face with Luke Skywalker. We’re told the physically demands are worth the payoff as Mark Hamill filmed a special video for the experience. Apparently this is the only place you’ll be able to see what Luke says as the footage will not be made available to media outlets, and no smart phones will be allowed onto the faux cliff site.

Snoke’s High Chair Throne Room – Remember the rampant speculation regarding Supreme Leader Snoke’s actual size vs. his holographic appearance? Turns out Snoke is only 7-feet tall but the focal point of his throne room is a massive 25-foot tall chair! Which. You. Get. To. Sit. In! The Snoke selfie is sure to be huge – no pun intended. We hear Disney may incorporate a hologram filter on the accompanying Star Wars Land app currently in development.

Maz Kanata’s Castle Dining Experience – Following the massive success of the Dining with the Disney Princesses promotion, the company will be introducing a similar experience starring the Star Wars princesses. Patrons will be able to dine with four generations of Leia: A New Hope Princess Leia, Empire Strikes Back Cloud City Leia, Return of the Jedi Hutt-Slayer Leia, and TFA General Leia. Or they can choose to break bread with the new prince and princess: Rey or Kylo Ren. FSW believes these options make it clear Rey and Kylo are brother and sister.

Once you’ve picked your prince or princess and scheduled your experience, the Disney MagicBand works its… um… magic. Upon entering Maz’s castle, the small person playing Maz will scream out your name… the Star Wars version of “Norm!” from Cheers. “Shkrellious” has heard there will be other activities for parents and fans without children to enjoy within the pirate castle as well. One which has gotten us more riled up than Teedo is Mechanical Luggabeast Riding!

Free (Bro) Hugs — Throughout Star Wars Land actors cosplaying as Finn and Poe will “bro” out at the sight of other males. They may hug you, fist bump, or even give you a piggyback. So keep an eye out for the bromantic duo. Women and girls will receive slightly less energetic greetings. Maybe a wave.

Extreme Jakku — “Why does everyone want to go back to Jakku?” asked Finn in TFA. One look at this experience and the answer will be extremely clear: the rides, bruh! Disney is creating an extreme sports wonderland in the sand. Expect everything from sandboarding through star destroyer ruins to a half pipe constructed out of AT-AT remnants. Our source tells us Disney will also introduce new sand speeders which you can race as well. (This is the closest thing we’ll get to pod racing on Tatooine for the moment, PT fans)

The Big Dig & Unkar Plutt’s Arcade — Next to Extreme Jakku, Disney is creating a huge sandlot for smaller children to get their scavenger on. Hidden throughout the landscape will be all kinds of kid-safe wreckage, which can be exchanged for prizes at Unkar Plutt’s arcade! Think Chuck E. Cheese rewards system, but slightly crappier exchange rates — this is Unkar after all. The grouchy trader even has a mini-golf course on the grounds, which he’s dubbed “Unkar’s Plutt-Plutt.”

R2-D2 & BB-8 Maps — Disney will have several R2s and BB-8s throughout Star Wars Land. The droids will provide real-time holographic maps for visitors and be equipped with first-aid kits along with tutorials on how to best administer care. No one dies at Disney!

Mind Reading Maz Booths — Who needs Zoltar when you have a 900-year old Force sensitive orange woman instead? These retro-style booths provide a look into your past or a glimpse into a possible future, courtesy of Maz. We hope she doesn’t just spit out “That’s a story for another day” over and over again… but can see that happening.

Knights of Ren Dinner Theater Show — Imagine Medieval Times… with lightsabers. That’s all our source was able to provide regarding this experiences. Somehow we imagine this will involve a live re-enactment of Kylo and his gang’s destruction of Luke’s Jedi Academy. We can see the showstopper being a final duel between the evil student and his Jedi master.

TIE Fighter Takedown — This is probably our favorite attraction of Star Wars Land. TIE Fighter Takedown is an interactive roller coaster at you and a friend, or total stranger if you have no friends, “steal” a fighter to escape Kylo Ren’s star destroyer. The duo of riders will sit back-to-back as the front sitter rider “steers” the single car as the back sitter takes out TIE fighters in pursuit. The ride will abruptly end as the car “crashes” on Jakku, don’t worry no one will get thrown from the ride. There will be great special effects during the course of the attraction including, pyrotechnics, 3D HD displays surrounding the car to show the TIES and space outside of your “TIE,” and onboard cameras recording your entire adventure for you to purchase after the fact! The ride is basically an amalgam of Disney’s Buzz Lightyear dark ride shooter, Universal Studio’s The Amazing Adventure of Spider-Man, and Ceder Fair’s Flight of Fear. Enjoy!

That’s all the information “Darth Shkrellious” was able to provide us with at the moment, but he promises more intel will be forthcoming. Hell, this already makes Star Trek: The Experience look like Star Gate: The Experience. Everyone at the FSW office is pumped for Star Wars Land. What are you most looking forward to? Tell us in the comments or join the conversation on our new messageboards!

-William Bobo