A couple days after my article on emotional labor went viral, I spent the morning locked in my office writing. I generally make it a rule not to work on the weekend, but I had skipped a workday while my dad had surgery and deadlines were piling up. While I worked I found it hard to shake off my stress, not because I couldn’t handle the job, but because I had left my husband entirely in charge of our upcoming outing. We were planning a family trip to Apple Hill for the afternoon, and would have to leave as soon as I finished work.

Normally, this would mean my husband being “ready to leave” while I frantically run around the house trying to gather everything everyone else needs. Water bottles, a change of clothes, diapers and wet wipes, my daughter’s detangling hairbrush, sweaters, sunglasses, hats, sunscreen, snacks—the mental list that needs to be checked off for a day-long outing with three children is extensive. While my husband said he would take care of getting everything ready to go, I wasn’t sure he understood exactly what that entailed.

Photos courtesy of Gemma Hartley

Yet when I finished my work and got in the car, I saw my daughter’s detangling brush and extra hair clips in the center console. Everyone had their water bottles and snacks. There was a fully-packed bag of clothing in the back of the car. He had grabbed my sunglasses, which I nearly always forget. He had taken into account what everyone would need to make the day happy and fun—shouldering the emotional labor which has so long been my domain. It felt entirely foreign to grab my purse, get in the car, and simply go. I ran through the checklist in my head, but it was clear he had covered every base. This must be what it feels like to be a man, I thought to myself as we set off to enjoy a day I took no part in planning.

.

The experience was a first, but my husband assured me it would not be a last. Since writing out my struggle with finding a balance of emotional labor in our relationship (which he knew about well before publication), something had, at last, clicked. I had finally put into words the tricky frustration that had plagued me for so long. I needed him to help without having to ask. I wanted him to take the initiative to learn how to handle the work I so often do, the invisible labor that he has long taken for granted. It’s certainly not easy, but he’s stepping up, and so are other good men like him.

In the days since my article posted, countless women have spoken to me about how it has changed their relationship, finally giving them the language they needed to speak openly and honestly with their partners about emotional labor. Perhaps more surprising to me, though, were the men who have responded in thoughtful and honest ways, vowing to change the course of their actions now that they more fully understand the concept of emotional labor.

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Men, if we consider ourselves feminist allies, we need to read this. And understand it. @gemmahartley on the frustration of emotional labour https://t.co/OwVu3dw1fW — Samuel West (@exitthelemming) October 3, 2017

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

This was epic. My wife & I don’t fight but I do a lot of “why didn’t you just ask me to help?” This is the first time I’ve truly understood — Jing Yao (@theJingster) September 30, 2017

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Guilty! I have to confess. My fellow men, let's "man up"...Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up https://t.co/QDdLzImN5D via @harpersbazaarus — Art Pulaski (@ArtPulaski) September 29, 2017

Joe Parker, a 34-year-old senior security and IT manager, said when he came across the article posted by a friend on Twitter, he expected to be reaffirmed in his belief that he was “one of the good ones.” What he found instead was the sobering realization that he had been oblivious to a problem he had contributed to.

“I had not fully appreciated the mental and physical load that goes with this unpaid and thankless work,” Parker said. “I was left feeling like I could do more—that my work was not complete. Now, I have committed to my wife to work at this and improve.”

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Thanks for posting this Katie. I came home and talked to my wife to see how to avoid this. I really appreciate it. — Joe Parker (@joesparker) September 29, 2017

He is not alone in his resolve. Abraham Rodriguez, a 34-year-old architect, said he was embarrassed when his wife felt the need to send him the article. Though it was not their first conversation about emotional labor, he admitted hearing it again from a third party made the concept stick.

“I've always known that she does the bulk of the planning,” Rodriguez said. “But now I have a framework for understanding her frustration in terms of doing all the emotional labor. What before seemed like just overreactions and ‘nags’ I now understand as her just being overworked and overwhelmed with all the planning.”

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

My wife just sent me this article. Yeah, that's pretty accurate sadly. But I apreciate having this, thanks! — Abraham #BlackLivesMatter 🇵🇷 (@AbrahamNR) September 29, 2017

It’s certainly not an easy concept to come to grips with, especially when you see yourself on the side of the “problem” instead of the “solution.” Admitting that you've been wronging someone you love, even unintentionally, is a hard pill to swallow. Yet that is exactly what is needed if we're going to come out on the other side of this conversation better and more balanced in terms of how we handle emotional labor in our relationships.

.

Matt Schaar, a 36-year-old tech industry marketer. said he identified with the feeling of “being attacked” when emotional labor was brought up, yet took the article as an opportunity to absorb and reflect. “It's really only when I realize that my ego being bruised is a byproduct of my own insecurities that I begin to come back around and start thinking about what's really being said.”



Schaar said it sparked a valuable conversation with his partner, and helped him realize the immense strengths brought to the table by someone who is practiced in emotional labor.

“My girlfriend is extremely adept at unpacking our thoughts and emotions and creating a safe environment to discuss both,” Schaar said, adding that they were able to identify some of his emotional strengths in the conversation as well. “The space she provides—well, it's indispensable.”

Yet not all progressive men were able to accept emotional labor as it was presented. While they understood the concept, the narrative didn’t quite fit, and not for the reasons one might suspect. Vincent Ambo, a 24-year-old from Norway, said he recognized the pattern, but not the gendered stereotype. Despite the fact that he and his same-sex partner both work as software engineers, they have many of the same problems in balancing the running of their household, where the bulk of management falls to him. Ambo assumed the pattern played out because he is the more organized of the pair, and since he’s “naturally” better at keeping things neat and tracking to-do lists, the running of the household has become his domain. He has a particular way he wants things done and his partner doesn’t care that much. It was a story that sounded all too familiar.

His partner would take cups from the kitchen and leave them on the bathroom counter until it became crowded with water cups before returning them to the kitchen. If his partner needed a plate after the dishwasher ran, and there were none in the cupboard, he would get one from the dishwasher—but never empty the whole dishwasher. If asked, his partner would do these tasks immediately, but only if he was asked.

“Before the article I hadn't spent so much time thinking about the ‘role’ that I have,” Ambo said. “Frustration came more from occasional incidents like having to make sure we don't miss certain events, or having to remind him several times about when people are coming over to visit.”

Luckily, the conversation between Ambo and his partner about finding a solution to their imbalance was not a fraught one, because traditional gender roles don’t define their relationship. “There are no expectations coming either from us or from our social circle about who is ‘supposed’ to be doing what, so it's much easier for us to take a step back and figure it out on our own. He just changed the bedsheets—so maybe we're getting somewhere with this!”

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

today Dustin emailed his mom twice, scheduled a thing, offered to find a babysitter, and let me know about a future work commitment heh heh — Meaghan O'Connell (@meaghano) September 29, 2017

I wish my conversation with my own husband had been so easy. To be honest, the article didn’t immediately open up the dialogue I had hoped for. Instead it dredged up feelings of guilt on his part. I felt simultaneously validated and frustrated as he repeated how bad he felt, because that wasn’t the point I wanted to drive home. I didn’t write the article so my husband would feel bad. I wrote it so things could change.

Guilt is part of the process, but action is the goal.

We’re still talking about emotional labor quite often, especially as my words spread across the internet, stoking the conversation far and wide. My husband is committed to understanding it, and wrapping his mind around all the ways it manifests in our relationship—and I’ll be honest, it’s working. This morning I found a laundered pair of folded underwear in my drawer that had appeared as if by magic. There was fresh milk and orange juice in the fridge that I neither bought, nor asked him to pick up. I can see all the “invisible” work he is doing, because I have done it for so long. Each task, however small, brings me almost to the verge of tears, because now I know he finally sees me.