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IRISH Rail are to take full advantage of the slight change in weather as Autumn rolls in by implementing a series of completely random stoppages, delays and service shortages, all housed under the ‘adverse rail conditions’ banner.

Passengers on anywhere-bound services have already gotten themselves used to tannoy announcements declaring that their train has been delayed due to ‘adverse rail conditions’, with little explanation as to what that actually is.

A spokesperson from Irish Rail confided to WWN that ‘pretty much all’ rail conditions can be described as adverse, allowing them to roll into the station at any time they damn well please.

“If it’s sunny out, then hey, what do ya know; that creates adverse rail conditions,” said the spokesperson, who was just some Irish Rail worker chatting to us while on his smoke break, making him more of a smokesperson really.

“We can’t really get on the speaker and say ‘look it, your train is delayed because the rail network in this country was gutted decades ago and what we have right now is too many passengers on too few trains, running on too few rails to too many destinations’. So while it’s wintery out, we can just say adverse rail conditions and leave them standing in the cold for a half-hour here and there”.

Irish Rail added that in instances where services were halted, your ticket is valid on Dublin Bus, for all the fucking good that does you.