Nearly a million people are living with dementia in the UK, towns from Skipton to Falmouth are becoming “dementia friendly” and care homes are engaging residents through poetry classes and pony visits. As the ignorance and stigma begin to fade, studies of the condition proliferate and it has developed from an unspoken possibility in literature – is King Lear a study of declining brain function? – to a major plot device.

When it comes to practical help, few books can improve on psychologist Oliver James’s Contented Dementia. James argues that it is better to indulge a loved one than insist on brutal truth and make every encounter into a battle, constructing his argument through case studies that offer examples of difficulties as well as success. There is no single version of dementia, and no one prescription, but James encourages carers to respond with flexibility and love.

It may be useful to understand what is going on from a medical point of view, but families also need models for their sense of loss. The poet and novelist Erwin Mortier explores how Alzheimer’s disease affects a whole family in Stammered Songbook, a beautiful but heartbreaking account of his mother’s decline. This is not the playful, humorous version of memory loss, where the reader is reassured by a patient who is cheerful or at peace. Instead, fear looms large, and cracks appear in the relationships. But the poignant beauty of the prose is its own comfort.

‘Families also need models for their sense of loss’ ... Emma Healey. Photograph: Murdo Macleod/The Guardian

Looking at the condition from the outside can only get us so far, but the best fiction can almost put us inside the head of another person. The “For” section of Ali Smith’s brilliant novel There But For The recreates the internal workings of a mind with dementia. Written as a stream of consciousness, vivid moments from the past are presented between parentheses and in the present tense, giving the sense that those memories are much more immediate than the past-tense contemporary account. Playful and quick witted, the sum total of a woman’s life – her tragedies, jokes and certainties – is jumbled together, yet Smith creates a vivid sense of a person rather than a sufferer.

Poetry can also give a flavour of life where words elude us. Elise Partridge’s “Chemo Side Effects: Memory” isn’t about dementia, but it does capture the problems created by illness perfectly, especially when it comes to language. One line, “Groping in the thicket …” gives us the perfect image. The poem continues with a series of arresting, though contradictory images, such as the moment when “the wrong item creaks up / on the mental dumbwaiter”. Partridge reveals the tension between blankness and stifling crowdedness that creates mental confusion.

Children too, need orientation. In Kate De Goldi’s The ACB with Honora Lee, funny, constantly curious, “unconventional” Perry regularly visits her gran, Honora, who answers her with non-sequiturs and is convinced she’s about to begin a journey despite never leaving the care home. This charming look at the connection between grandchildren and grandparents sees Perry compelled to find order in her grandmother’s disordered life. Although she doesn’t understand what makes Honora confused and unable to play I-spy properly, in the end she is more understanding than her parents.

• Emma Healy is the author of Elizabeth Is Missing and Whistle in the Dark.