Trevor Noah

A new Fox News poll found that 51% of registered voters supported both Donald Trump’s impeachment and his removal from office – a finding from his favorite channel that “must’ve hurt Trump”, said Trevor Noah on the Daily Show. “That’s like if Gayle said she was 51% against Oprah.”

The big news of the day, though, was Turkey, which invaded northern Syria just two days after the Trump administration virtually approved the move by removing US troops from the region.

Trump ordered troops to step aside in Syria, allowing Turkey to attack our Kurdish allies. And guess what: it happened. pic.twitter.com/yPyIZua1j2 — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) October 11, 2019

Turkey’s military incursion against the Kurds – US allies in the fight against Isis — is “a shitshow”, said Noah. “Thanks to Trump’s impulsive decision, people are now fleeing Syria, the Turkish are now bombing the Kurds, and over 10,000 Isis fighters could be back on the loose.”

And in the midst of this disaster, Noah continued, Donald Trump “is responding the only way he knows how: by being petty as hell”. In a press conference on Thursday, Trump defended his decision by saying that the Kurds did not help the US in the second world war. (They did, in fact, assist the Allies). The argument is ridiculous, Noah said, though “to be fair, not helping in a war is one area President Bone Spurs has experience with”.

One major concern of Turkey’s attack is the likely release of many Isis prisoners, though this didn’t seem to concern Trump; asked his thoughts on the threat this could pose, he responded: “Well, they’re going to be escaping to Europe, that’s where they want to go.”

“That’s really heartless,” Noah said. Trump also needs Europe, because “without Europe, there’s no Romania. Without Romania, there’s no vampires. Without vampires, you don’t have a lawyer,” Noah said over a picture of Rudy Giuliani. “And then who would the FBI indict?”

It’s also a shortsighted strategy, Noah continued. “They could come back stronger than ever. It’s like the Backstreet Boys – we took our eyes off them, they regrouped, and now they’re touring all over the world.”

Seth Meyers

Support for impeachment among voters has increased in recent weeks, “and it really feels like a potentially seismic political shift is happening right now”, said Seth Meyers on Late Night. Meyers also pointed to the Fox News poll, which showed 51% support for Trump’s impeachment and removal from office.

The poll must be especially infuriating for Trump because “Fox News is what Trump watches to feel good about himself,” Meyers said. “That’s like if a kid turned on Sesame Street and Big Bird was just smoking a cigarette going: ‘Face it, kid, you’re never going to learn how to spell.’”

Meanwhile, more and more details continue to emerge on what Meyers called “the scheme Trump and his gang of mafia-themed Pez dispensers concocted to get Ukraine to dig up dirt on Joe Biden”.

For instance, Trump initially attempted to blame the phone call with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy – the one that launched a whistleblower complaint and impeachment inquiry – on the energy secretary, Rick Perry. But reporters have now uncovered that Trump directed Perry to meet with Rudy Giuliani about Ukraine, which means “Trump concocted a scheme to dangle hundreds of millions of dollars in military aid to Ukraine, as part of a quid pro quo to get them to dig up dirt on a political opponent, and to carry out this plan he chose as his henchman Rick Perry and Rudy Giuliani, who are famously two of the dumbest people in politics,” said Meyers.

“That’s like if Lex Luthor hatched a plan to kill Superman and chose as his assassins Mr Bean and Woody from Cheers.”

Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel also enjoyed the findings of the latest Fox News poll – 51% in favor of impeachment and removal from office, up nine points from July. “I would love to have been with him when he saw this,” Kimmel said. “He’s sitting there, enjoying some Lou Dobbs time, and this pops on the screen. I bet he spit his McFlurry all over the room.”

The vice-president, Mike Pence, meanwhile, traveled to Iowa to rally support for the president. “The vice-poodle has been a very good boy for his president,” said Kimmel – Pence had said in order to help exonerate Trump, he was willing to release transcripts of his own calls with the Ukrainian president. “In other words, I will prove my boss didn’t rob that convenience store by releasing a video of me not robbing a convenience store,” Kimmel explained.

Finally, two clients of Rudy Giuliani were arrested on Wednesday for illegal campaign donations while they attempted to board a one-way flight to Europe. “Not only does Trump hire the worst people, he hires the worst people who go on to hire more of the worst people,” Kimmel said of Giuliani’s team. “It’s like a worst people nesting doll he’s got.”

Trump of course said he didn’t know the two men (Kimmel showed a photo of him with one) and told reporters he had “nothing to do with it”.

Translation: “Goodbye, Rudy!” said Kimmel. “I love to watch Trump turn on these guys who would kill for him. We’re about three weeks away from him claiming he never met Rudy Giuliani.”