DES MOINES, Iowa–seeking to enhance his agressive policy credentials, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) today not only criticized President Obama’s traditional pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey, but then proceeded to steal the bird, drive to Iowa, and then rip it apart with his bare hands at a senior center here in Des Moines.

As the elderly crowd did its best to chant “U.S.A! U.S.A!” Cruz not only killed the bird but then proceeded to wave it around his head, handing out feathers to a few children in attendance.

“Senator Cruz is just the right man for the job,” said Dave McCormack, an orderly working here at the Florence Williams Retirement Center. “He’s said he’s going to tear up ISIS the way he tore up that turkey, and why shouldn’t I believe him? I’ve seen it with my own eyes. No stronger proof than that.”

A patient-sounding spokesperson for Jeb Bush (R-FL, retired) explained that while the former Governor had no plans to kill anything himself, he was planning to tuck into a “tidy parcel of white meat, stuffing, and potatoes.” The spokesperson also noted that Bush had a sixty-two point plan to defeat ISIS, “or at least to inconvenience them to no small extent.” The plan included ordering many, many pizzas to be delivered to ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq, and also to apply for a number of personal loans and thereby ruin the terrorist organization’s credit rating.

While Cruz’s staff expressed satisfaction at the tough statement made with the turkey, they then exhibited some concern when Cruz seized the bird’s carcass, grabbed an assault rifle, and drove off into the hills, vowing that “they’ll never take me alive.”

“I think he really has his finger on the pulse of his supporters,” said an aide, hopefully.



“If you are an enemy of America, we will hunt you down, remove your little bag of giblets, and then fill you with bread stuffing,” said Cruz.