House Show Venue Not Legally Designated as Venue, House

PITTSBURGH — Attendees and residents at the local DIY house venue known as the Crumb Dumpster were informed last week that the property does not legally qualify as a music venue, nor an inhabitable living space, authorities confirmed.

“I guess it never crossed my mind that the place wasn’t safe,” said regular attendee Kay “Stime” Stein. “But when the city shut the place down, everything sort of came into focus. The walls were just old newspapers and calendars, and I’m pretty sure the foundation was just crushed Natty Ice boxes. The electrical wiring was all exposed. Man, what a sick place for a show.”

The improvised dwelling/venue steadily hosted shows and residents for the past two years, but has consistently been unable to get performers to return.

“They asked us to play their show, and we’d never been there before, so we thought it might be fun,” said Jeff Andrews, the drummer for grindcore band Appendage Eater. “But when I brought my kit down to the basement, some guy yelled at me for being in his room. He pointed at this sign that read, ‘This staircase is someone’s bedroom. Please keep out!’ So I had to lower my gear down through a hole in the floor. The floor was made up of old pallets and broken milk crates, though, so it wasn’t too bad.”

Others echoed Andrews’ complaints.

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“If you somehow made it down into the basement, you’d find the stage was a giant picnic table. Like, so giant, there’s no way they could have moved it down there. I feel like they built the house around it,” said Erica Patowski, a former four-month resident. “And all they had for a mic was a megaphone taped to a broom handle, stabbed into the dirt floor. You guys don’t even want to know what they’re calling a bathroom.”

Current tenants were upset with the city’s decision to condemn their home.

“Everything here is up to building codes. Those old bike frames propping up the east wall were all signed off by a city inspector. I swear,” said resident Tony Marinelli. “Whatever. We’ll be back up and running soon. I just found a shitload of tin siding in the woods behind Dunkin’ Donuts that will get this place looking like the Governor’s Mansion.”

The Governor’s Mansion was a similar DIY venue recently swept away during a powerful rain storm.

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Article by Courtney Baka @CourtneyBaka.