WASHINGTON, D.C. – Scientists and sociologists alike are shaking their heads at the discovery of America’s greatest natural resource, which had been kneeling in front of them for hundreds of years without being noticed. “It’s just so obvious,” said Michael Bradford of the Department of Energy. “The married woman is by far the most efficient energy source the world has ever seen, and seems to have escaped attention mainly by avoiding confrontation.”

The discovery occurred by total chance after nuclear systems engineer Nora Palton attended the Mrs. America pageant in support of her married sister and realized that every one of the contestants accomplished more things in a single day than most of the systems she studied. “The ratio of effective output to total input is astonishing,” said the single engineer. “I’m considering getting married so I can finish the paper I’m trying to publish, run my first marathon, and master ancient Greek by next Wednesday.”

Married women everywhere are both appreciative of the sudden interest in their lifestyle but also wary of being used by the government in strange energy-production facilities buried deep in the desert. Reporters asked contemporary American housewife Kayla Krutz if she ever felt as though she or her married female friends had special gifts, to which she responded “of course we knew, but it’s not like we really had a choice. Who else is going to do all this shit?”

This raises a whole new onslaught of questions surrounding the renewability of the resource, storage capacities, and, as always, consent.