A team of doctors are advising people to eat meat once or more a day after discovering it reduces the risk of becoming vegetarian by 100%.

Symptoms of vegetarianism include a pallid sheen, dizziness, bloated ego, kinship with Morrissey, chronic verbal diarrhoea, and dreadlocks.

‘Vegetarianism affects physical, mental and social health. No-one wants to talk to the white guy with dreadlocks about the benefits of bean burgers at a party,’ said Dr Beefham, a leading researcher in the meat sciences.

While vegetarianism isn’t lethal on its own, it can lead to veganism – which is.

Fortunately the solution is easy. Just one serving of meat taken daily completely obliterates your chance of becoming vegetarian.



‘It’s both a preventative measure and a cure,’ said Dr Cowlick.

But what happens if you are to miss a day of eating meat? Do you run the risk of turning vegetarian overnight?

‘As long as you eat a bacon sandwich the next morning, you should be fine,’ said the doctor.