WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Republicans today vowed to filibuster a controversial bill supporting the right not to get shot.

G.O.P. leaders lambasted the bill, arguing that the right to go to school, work, or one’s home without fear of being shot was not guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution.

“The Second Amendment makes it very clear,” said Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyoming). “The right to bear arms shall not be infringed by a tiny minority’s desire not to be shot.”

But according to the pollster Harland Dorrinson, of OpinionFact Polling, the right not to get shot, while controversial, is beginning to gain traction with the American electorate.

“Like gay marriage, not getting shot is an idea that has taken some getting used to, but people are starting to wrap their brains around it,” he said.

Poll numbers notwithstanding, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said today that he would join the effort to filibuster any not-getting-shot-related bill: “The only way we Republicans can protect our democracy is by preventing a vote.”

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