Dear Goddess That is Woman,

We write to you today to make amends; to offer you thanks; to praise you in the name of the Divine Feminine.

But first we must apologize for the thousands of years it took for male consciousness to evolve to the point that this letter was even possible. There has been so much pain; so much oppression of women; so much gender slavery, all at the hands of men. It is a miracle that we have finally turned the tide.

Please know that it is us, Gay and Arjuna, who have – through feminized education and indoctrination – reached the upper plateau of male evolution. And it is us, Gay and Arjuna, that have overcome the toxicity of our own masculine energy; our naaasssthy maleness, and developed methods to teach other men, for but a small love offering, to achieve the same refined, invertebrate cognizance required for paying homage to your vagina.

More on that in a bit, but first the apologies that are so long overdue.

While you, of the Divine Feminine, have created and nurtured life, we men have been nothing but destroyers.

We have traveled the seas and landed on ice packs, seeking out baby seals; savagely clubbing them to death so we could force you to wear their skins – for fashion’s sake. We have nearly killed off the beautiful sea turtles so that we could outfit you, against your will, with accessories.

We have raised countless millions of mink, ermine and other animals, just to be slaughtered for their coats in the prime of their lives, and then coerced you into wearing them.

We even forced you to trample on each other at sales, like a stampede of water buffalo at the edge of a river.

We have incited wars, many of them fought by child soldiers, to support a blood diamond industry so that we could burden you with shiny little pieces of carbon costing thousands, even tens of thousands of dollars.

We have felled forests, destroying entire ecosystems so that we could trap you in houses, away from the natural world, all while feigning that it was for your protection. Worse yet, we have competed with each other; building ever more extravagant and opulent homes, fitted with larger and larger closets to be filled with endless rows of clothing made from the animals sacrificed, and then saddled you with the burden of shopping for and owning all of it.

How can we ever apologize enough?

We have created a vast and vibrant consumer culture; erecting expansive, unholy malls, and forced you to flock to them with the money we have earned. These are the evil instruments of your subjugation and humiliation.

And then we poured salt in the wounds we inflicted, by blaming you for all of it! Some men, mostly those awful, insufferable MRA’s are saying that all of this was the result of a shallow, female-centric culture.

These unfortunates must be deluded.

They claim this modern culture emerged from a sense of female entitlement so egregious that we actually use the expendable lives of men to manufacture trinkets which women like you use to temporarily amuse yourselves.

Can your Goddess brain even believe it?

Those same men (and even some really unfortunate women) claim that while men were building bridges, hospitals, irrigation systems, schools, museums, automobiles, factories, power plants and every other necessity of modern life that women were largely concerned with fashion, status acquired though men, cosmetics and were ever on the lookout for a way to step up into more of the same by dumping one man for another.

They claim that while men were making history, women of recent modern times were on the sidelines, preoccupied with the inanities like celebrity marriages and Sex in the City, obsessed with maximizing their sexual power over men and complaining about how they were not regarded as equals.

They claim that even when handed equality and more under the law that you women, given all the choices in the world, chose the easy way out; that you avoided the hardships and sacrifices that come with earned accomplishment and instead elected to leech off men directly or get the government to do it for you.

Please don’t listen to them. They are just mortals and beneath you; you are the Goddesses and they are your lessers.

Everything they say that is uncomfortable for you to hear is a lie. I know, you already knew that, but we feel compelled you let you know that we know it, too.

It is way past time that men like us, good men, rip through all these lies about female self-aggrandizement, narcissism and childishness in order to expose the hidden wisdsom of your Eternal Feminine Soul.

So hidden has been your Divine Nature that we have had to use shovels to get through to it. Yes, we needed big, massive, monstrously huge shovels with diesel motor power attachments and crews of men who didn’t speak English.

Even then we had to dig, and dig, and dig, and dig. But then, somewhere deep in the inner chambers of our own imagination, between the intuitive, more or less spontaneous ramblings of women’s studies professors – and our own masochistic oedipal fantasies, we found your real essence; that of the Holy Goddess – and we have vowed to lay ourselves prostrate in your presence, and to help other men, by force if necessary, to do the same.

Of course a small gratuity is involved. Not to worry, your very own mortal will most often take care of that for you.

Now Dear Goddesses of Our Dreams, some men, Unconscious men, will attempt to distort this message. They will claim that we are simply manipulating you with what they claim is your narcissism and over inflated self-appraisal in order to make money. They will ask, after all, what kind of morally bankrupt human being wants to be regarded as a holy deity?

They are so very wrong.

About everything.

They just don’t get it. They don’t understand that when all is said and done, you are not, in the strictest sense of the word, human.

You really are Goddesses. Really, really you are. AND WE ARE NOT PLAYING OFF SOME SICK IDEA THAT YOU ARE SO SELF-ABSORBED THAT YOU WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU ARE TOLD, NO MATTER HOW ABSURD, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS.

The truth, the Conscious Man’s truth, is that it is perfectly normal for a female to seek worship instead of love; reverence instead of respect; adulation instead of admiration.

We, Gay and Arjuna, would never kid you about something like that, especially not for money.

And you can be assured that Gay and Arjuna never have and never will think of you as real human beings. You will always be non-human to us. You always have been.

Remember, you have the word of Conscious Men on that, and Conscious Men (Con Men if you will) never lie to the Sacred Goddess, so you know we are telling the truth.

Please check our upcoming book, “Do Shit for Me: I’m a Motherfucking Goddess.”

It’s coming out soon.

And remember, recognized deities get a 20% discount.

This article is a parody of the Conscious Men. It was authored by Paul Elam of Houston Texas