Illustration by Istvan Banyai

W_henever a friend asks me if I have any interesting tales involving text-messaging, I think of Jeremy. Jeremy, a man I am no longer in touch with, was someone I once considered a friend. It started out very simply: one day I received a text message from a phone number I did not recognize. Intrigued, I replied, and thus began an intimate and illuminating correspondence. I wish to share with you now my record of this peculiar kinship._

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/5 9:46 PM

sup you comnig to this thing?

MICHAEL 12/5 9:46 PM

hi oops I don’t know this number. I’m Michael, who is this?

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/5 9:58 PM

oops my mistake

MICHAEL 12/5 9:58 PM

hahahaha no problem—happens. . .where are you anyway? Like what city? Los Angeles? or. . .

MICHAEL 12/5 10:06 PM

I’m in LA

MICHAEL 12/5 10:34 PM

haha. I don’t really recognize your area #

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UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/6 11:39 AM

oh shit just saw yur messages yea I live north of la wish i lived down there tho :p

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/6 11:40 AM

sorry for the wrong number. peace

MICHAEL 12/6 11:42 AM

hey listen I already said don’t worry about it and I meant it. it’s no problem.

MICHAEL 12/6 11:46 AM

?

MICHAEL 12/6 12:14 PM

aaaannyway haha. how was da party?

:}

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/6 12:59 PM

not bad. not like a hollywood party lol like where you live. thad be fun

MICHAEL 12/6 1:30 PM

you should come to town one night and I’ll take you to a party at my buddy Michael Cera’s house

MICHAEL 12/6 1:43 PM

the actor haha

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UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 4:53 PM

you know him? yahh man thad be sick hes a cool

MICHAEL 12/7 4:59 PM

really? you don’t think his range is limited?

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 5:04 PM

lol nah whadever may be true

MICHAEL 12/7 5:14 PM

hahahahahahha

MICHAEL 12/7 5:19 PM

anyway i was just kidding before that’s actually me

MICHAEL 12/7 5:25 PM

hahaha

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 5:37 PM

huh? yur michael cera??

MICHAEL 12/7 5:38 PM

hahahahahahaah

UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 5:39 PM

tha actor?

MICHAEL 12/7 5:41 PM

yes except I spell it with capital letters at the beginning of my first and last names, kind of like a display of common respect kind of thing

MICHAEL 12/7 11:48 PM

but yeah I’m that Michael Cera. . .

MICHAEL 12/7 11:54 PM

hahaha

—

MICHAEL 12/8 7:11 AM

didn’t catch your name btw. . .

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UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/9 12:39 PM

yah my name is jeremy i live in delano ca. had your number confused with a friend from la lol. sorry bout that. peace

MICHAEL 12/9 12:39 PM

nice to meet you Jeremy, what’s your last name anyway? right now I just have you saved as “Jeremy Delano” haha

MICHAEL 12/9 12:48 PM

and that won’t do, will it? ahahaha

—

JEREMY 12/10 7:20 PM

yoooooooo i just saw you on tv ha so fucking weird

MICHAEL 12/10 7:20 PM

no way! what was it? one of my Films?

MICHAEL 12/10 7:28 PM

?

JEREMY 12/10 7:41 PM

yah a movie. . .you as a caveman

MICHAEL 12/10 8:13 PM

“Year One”! a comedy I made with Jack Black. really cool guy

MICHAEL 12/10 8:18 PM

you would really like him, he’s funny

MICHAEL 12/10 8:27 PM

and it was directed by Harold Ramis another comic luminary. . .haha

JEREMY 12/10 9:48 PM

hah nah it wasn’t that

MICHAEL 12/10 9:49 PM

yes it was :/

MICHAEL 12/11 1:41 AM

not really worth arguing about haha

JEREMY 12/11 12:08 PM

nah man no argument. all good right?

MICHAEL 12/11 12:08 PM

right!

MICHAEL 12/11 12:09 PM

k whoa you just now woke me up from craiest dream ever starring harry potter. . .tha fuck!? hehehe

MICHAEL 12/11 12:34 PM

our minds can be interesting some times. . .

Already I had become fascinated with Jeremy. It was clear that he was unsure exactly where the boundaries lay between celebrity and civilian, and he was afraid of accidentally overextending himself. Thankfully, he soon found his way to overcoming this feeling, and chanced an invitation.

JEREMY 12/19 4:33 PM

you party ever man?

MICHAEL 12/19 4:34 PM

hey man! your thumbs must have been burning because I was just texting someone about you!

MICHAEL 12/19 4:36 PM

yeah sometimes I party. just for fun

JEREMY 12/19 4:52 PM

yah man you should come by my friend j’s house

MICHAEL 12/19 4:52 PM

hahahahahah does his name have any other letters in it or is it just that one?

MICHAEL 12/19 4:56 PM

anyway. . .like when?

MICHAEL 12/19 5:05 PM

is it like a big group of people over there? is it weird if I don’t bring anything?

JEREMY 12/19 5:19 PM

it’s just me an j. he seen you in juno

MICHAEL 12/19 5:19 PM

oh cool! “Juno” was a really fun experience for Me

MICHAEL 12/19 5:21 PM

the script was really strong and the director Jason Reitman had a vision

MICHAEL 12/19 5:26 PM

what’s address? I’ll make a lotta soup and bringit! yyeeeeeah!

MICHAEL 12/19 8:47 PM

cool so I guess prolly I’ll just flush all this soup down the toilet. . .?

JEREMY 12/19 8:58 PM

hsit sorry hada pick up my sister and i was tired

MICHAEL 12/19 8:59 PM

yeah well fuck you too

JEREMY 12/19 10:42 PM

haha whoa chill

MICHAEL 12/20 3:30 AM

I don’t mean to be so pissed off but I made a lot of soup and nobody got to eat it

MICHAEL 12/20 3:31 AM

cause i dumped it into toilet when i got mad

MICHAEL 12/20 3:33 AM

so I thought that was kind of fucked i hate wastefullness and yeah its all over the floor of my bathroom now little bit

MICHAEL 12/20 3:40 AM

but thats nodyboys fault but mine i guess sorry I lost my cool I’m just a person too believe it or not. yeah so what are you up to?

JEREMY 12/20 11:28 AM

chillin dealin with people actin crazy

MICHAEL 12/20 11:29 AM

what people??? Me???

JEREMY 12/20 12:53 PM

nah

—

MICHAEL 12/23 3:08 PM

you got any kids? just realized I don’t know that. . .

MICHAEL 12/23 3:12 PM

cue jeopardy music. . .

MICHAEL 12/23 3:18 PM

haha. . .sensitive subject?

JEREMY 12/23 6:09 PM

nope

MICHAEL 12/23 6:12 PM

same. want to though. gotta meet the right girl. she’s out there somewhere! if you see her, give her my number! ha!

MICHAEL 12/23 7:49 PM

please really though please don’t give my number out to people cause I don’t want a bunch of weirdos like calling and wanting to meet Me and stuff

MICHAEL 12/23 7:55 PM

I appreciate fans though! just need space

JEREMY 12/23 8:53 PM

ya must be fuckin weird bein a actor

Despite our never having met, I now considered myself fluent in Jeremy’s emotional language. What I perceived intuitively was that he was unsure of who around him he could turn to for solace and fellowship. Fortunately for both of us, I’ve never been one to turn away from a challenge that I felt I could manage.

MICHAEL 12/24 8:55 AM

hey what are you up to tomorrow?

MICHAEL 12/24 9:23 AM

haha would you like to phone a friend or ask the audience maybe?

JEREMY 12/24 11:58 AM

i’m goin to my sisters house in south taft, t town. wht about u?

MICHAEL 12/24 12:10 PM

oh wow! and you guys are doing a family christmas type thing?

JEREMY 12/24 12:51 PM

xactly

MICHAEL 12/24 1:03 PM

is it like weird that you don’t have your own family so you are going and staying with hers on christmas?

JEREMY 12/24 1:14 PM

nah man shes the best

MICHAEL 12/24 1:47 PM

no way man that’s too sad. why don’t you drag your ass down to LA and hang with Me and some buddies of mine?

MICHAEL 12/24 2:09 PM

what do you think man? please let me know quick cause I’m at grocery store and need to know how much crane sauce to buy. ha!

MICHAEL 12/24 2:46 PM

*(A picture message of six cans of cranberry sauce in a shopping cart.)

MICHAEL 12/24 6:36 PM

hey Jeremy, you on your way? or. . .

JEREMY 12/24 6:43 PM

yoo just saw these. i’m in t town!

JEREMY 12/24 6:54 PM

*(A picture message of Jeremy, mouth open, holding a whole raw turkey up to his face.)

MICHAEL 12/24 6:55 PM

whoa!!! you’re black?

MICHAEL 12/24 7:23 PM

damn! I thought you were coming over. . .I sort of got a bunch of food, think your sister’d mind if I came up there?

JEREMY 12/24 8:22 PM

prolly not cool, we don’t see each other much. plus it’s a long ass drive from la lol

MICHAEL 12/24 10:19 PM

haha yeah my sister is the same way! hey actually I’m just pulling into south taft now like near the big town square, is your sister’s house kind of near here?

MICHAEL 12/24 10:21 PM

or. . .

JEREMY 12/24 10:25 PM

nah not really its kind of far actually

MICHAEL 12/24 10:26 PM

can’t be that far

MICHAEL 12/24 10:28 PM

can you give Me a break man? give me the address it’s getting silly

MICHAEL 12/24 10:32 PM

times up loser sorry.

MICHAEL 12/24 10:35 PM

going back to LA

JEREMY 12/24 10:45 PM

shit drive safe man

—

MICHAEL 12/25 1:33 AM

got home safe merry xams

—

JEREMY 1/3 8:40 PM

wer you in zombieland?

MICHAEL 1/3 8:42 PM

hi man. no. that’s jesse eisenberg

MICHAEL 1/3 8:43 PM

I also was not in adventureland

MICHAEL 1/3 8:48 PM

yeah there’s a thing called imdb

JEREMY 1/3 9:09 PM

oh dam! i thought that was you

JEREMY 1/3 9:10 PM

haha

MICHAEL 1/3 9:12 PM

I know

—

MICHAEL 1/5 12:01 PM

wow!!! we’ve been friends for a month! crazy. . .

MICHAEL 1/5 12:09 PM

time moves.

MICHAEL 1/5 12:46 PM

sorry bout our christmas fight we had. your sis is mad at me? or. . .