Think of the common sheep: docile, naive and easily led. I find that many people are precisely the same. They are what some call “sheeple” (a portmanteau of “sheep” and “people”). For the most part, they just follow the herd and succumb to their shepherd.

When you’re a sheeple, life is very simple. Each day you wake up, go to work, get back home, watch some TV, eat three meals and take one good shit. You’re not exactly living to your full potential, but you’re not stressing yourself either.

And being a sheeple is not hard, which is probably why lots of folks are doing an excellent job at being one. There is just a small set of specific things you have to do, and you’re guaranteed to be a certified sheeple. Here they are:

1. Emulate Other People’s Goals in Life

When you decide how you’re gonna spend the next 10, 20 or 50 years of your life, just look around at what other people want and want the same. Take on their life goals as your own.

You’ll probably decide to get a 9 to 6 job, get married, get a mortgage, buy a house and have a couple of kids. Because that’s what most people do in life, right?

Who cares that most of them hate their jobs, over 50% of their marriages end up in divorce and the rest aren’t exactly heaven either, many of them have serious health problems and they retire broke? Play it safe and imitate the pack.

2. Always Follow the Latest Trends

Remember: your image is everything. And if you want others to have a good opinion of you, you have to keep up with the latest trends and fashion at all times.

In order to do this, you need to constantly be cognizant of the latest trends regarding everything: clothing, gadgets, music, clubs, slang, etc. And you need to always be in line with them.

If this season torn up jeans are in style, that’s what you’re gonna wear. And 6 months from now you’re gonna throw them away because you don’t want to appear like a retard following the fashion from 6 months ago.

3. Buy Expensive Stuff just because it’s From Famous Brands

All people will know you’re cool and they’ll respect you if they see you own and use expensive stuff from the top brands. That’s what they base their approval of another person on.

And since other people’s approval is so important in life, you should spend as much money as you can to buy pricey branded stuff.

For example, buy an Omega watch, which will cost you at least $3000. Sell a kidney to pay for it if you have to.

It doesn’t matter that you can buy a watch of identical quality in terms of functionality and design for less than $300. It’s a fucking Omega watch! James Bond wears one! You wanna be like James Bond, don’t you?

4. Hang Out With Mediocre People

Fuck high achievers! They can be arrogant and intimidating. And they talk about shit you don’t understand. Interacting with high achievers is not for you. Surround yourself with average individuals and only interact with them.

That guy who spends all his free time drinking beer, watching football and whacking it to internet porn is your ideal friend. You’ll never feel inferior, incompetent or invalidated in any way when he’s present. Hang out with him as much as possible.

5. Get All Your Information from Mainstream Media

We all know that what you hear on TV or read in popular magazines is the proven, accurate truth. Getting all your data from mainstream media will insure that you’re always well informed and properly educated about the most important aspect of today’s reality.

If some guy on TV tells you to avoid eating fat because it will make you fat, then it certainly must be true.

It doesn’t matter that there is little actual scientific research to indicate this, and the one that exists is either poorly done or badly interpreted, and that the most rigorous scientific research actually shows that eating fat doesn’t make you fat, eating carbs does.

The guy speaking to you through the monitor is never wrong.

6. Don’t Stay Too Well Informed

Whatever information you do acquire, make sure it’s not too much of it. There is only so much space in your memory, and if you put too much info in there you might forget the password to your email account.

Avoid reading to many books, if any. And if you do read books once in a while, choose fiction over non-fiction and books with lots of pretty pictures instead of books with heavy text. It has almost zero educational value, but it doesn’t strain your brain.

Moreover, books cost money, which you need to save to buy that pricey Omega watch.

7. Adopt the Opinions of the Majority

One of the best ways to have intelligent opinions is to adopt the opinions of the majority. And the majority can mean the majority in your peer group, your community or society at large. Because what most people believe is what is accurate.

Therefore, don’t think for yourself. What the majority thinks, you think. Your thoughts should be a barometer of public opinion.

And even if sometimes an idea most people believe in is not accurate at all, you still score points with them for believing it and proudly declaring this. They’ll adore you!

8. Always Obey Authority Figures

Whatever your parents, teachers or bosses say is the law. You must never question it and you must always act in accordance to it.

The fact these people have a contextual authoritative position over you clearly signifies that they know a lot more than you and they are superior to you in every way. Act humble around them and do what they say.

Plus, if you don’t obey them and you break the rules, you are certain to get into trouble. Fire and brimstone will come down upon you. So, no matter how insipid a rule or command seems to you, comply with it.

9. Avoid Disapproval like the Plague

Disapproval is bad; really bad. And it hurts like shit. So you should avoid it at any cost. Avoid getting embarrassed, upsetting others, being inappropriate, tainting your reputation or getting rejected in any situation.

In order to do this, you have to mimic the opinions, ideals, behavior and lifestyle of others around you. You have to conform to all norms and expectations, and fit in perfectly. It’s not easy, but if you manage to strip away your individuality entirely, you’ll be able to never elicit other people’s disapproval.

On your death bed you’ll look back at your life and see an empty and unremarkable existence, but at least you’ll know you didn’t bother others.

10. Reject Divergent Ideas by Default

When someone expresses a perspective that’s different from your own, immediately assume it is wrong and ignore it or shut it down. If you actually assess it and analyze the evidence, you might find out it makes much more sense than yours, and you’ll feel like a sucker for having believed something else.

Not to mention that assessing a new idea can entail a lot of mental effort, and maybe even some hardcore research.

In addition, if you accept a perspective that differs from yours as more sensible, others will also expect you to align your behavior with this perspective. And that’s a lot of hard work, which can be easily avoided by being stubborn as a mule. Or, should I say, sheep.

11. Let Inertia Be Your Guide

Since intentionally behaving in a certain way you’re not used to is hard and entails effort, you want to avoid it. Only do what comes easy and feels natural to you. Inertia should be the only force propelling you through life.

If inertia directs you towards doing something that gets you no results, so be it. If inertia directs you towards not doing anything, lying on the couch all day, eating potato chips and watching reruns all day, then that’s what you’ll do. Conscious change is overrated.

12. Judge Others Based On Appearances and Stereotypes

There is no need to genuinely get to know another person before forming a firm opinion about them. Relying on appearances and stereotypes is sufficient, as they are exact and universal indicators of how people are deep down.

If a person is from a small town, they are clearly stupid. If a person is Asian, they are obviously a nerd. If a person is overweight, they are evidently slothful. What’s so hard to understand?

By the way, some people will think you’re a narrow-minded, superficial fuck for judging others in this manner and they won’t wanna make friends with you. Pay no heed to them. They’re just haters.

13. If Your Life Sucks, Blame the System

If you live by the rules I outlined so far, without any doubt, your life will suck. Yes, it will be simple and uncomplicated, but it won’t be fun and fulfilling either. Your emotions will mostly swing from boredom to mild amusement to frustration to depression to boredom again.

You’ll have little noticeable accomplishments and the main “adventures” you’ll go through will be stuff like spending an entire night at the office to get “an important report” ready for the next day.

When they realize their life sucks, the distinctive reaction of any authentic sheeple is to blame the system. So, do this.

Convince yourself that it’s not your fault; it’s the system’s fault. The system should have taken care of all your needs and make you happy, without requiring you to think for yourself, not believe everything you’re told, have initiative, find your own path and follow it.

Assuming responsibility for your own existence implies thinking responsibly and rationally. And that’s not what a sheeple does. It’s so much easier to blame the system! Your life will continue to suck, it will probably get worse with every passing day, but at least you will not feel guilty about it.

Okay! You now have the precise instructions for being a sheeple. I hope it’s obvious from the tone of this article that I showed you these instructions hoping that you’ll to the exact opposite of what they prescribe. This article is intended as a satire.

However, if taking the easy path is more important to you than living the best life you can, than by all means, follow these instructions. After all, that’s what a good sheeple does. It follows. And it’s possible that society needs sheeple, just as it needs free thinkers.

Any path you choose in life, I wish you massive success!

Eduard Ezeanu