Last week, while attending a quiet play called “The Road to Mecca,” a theatergoer’s cell-phone vibration went off. Not unusual, and not as bad as a ring, but noticeable enough to anyone in the vicinity.

The caller must have left a message, because 90 seconds later, we all heard a 3-second reminder buzz. How do I know it was 90 seconds later . . . and lasted for 3? Because it happened again, every 90 seconds, for the remainder of the play — even after the intermission. Plenty of opportunities to count it out.

I finally got the tiniest sense of what waterboarding is all about.

At play’s end, a justifiably apoplectic woman stood up behind me and interrogated every exiting person in her row. “Was that your phone?” she demanded. “Was it yours?” No one with a will to live, of course, would fess up. So she just yelled out to one and all, “That was the most abominable, atrocious thing to do! Shut off your phones!”

Amen, sister.

Bad behavior in the theater is a subject I never tire of revisiting. Because people need the reminder — and the stories just get more and more absurd. After a while, mere gum-clacking, loud talking and candy-wrapping stops fazing you because they are now such common occurrences. People behind you will use the back of your chair for a footrest. People in front of you will drape their coats into your lap.

Even answering a ringing phone during a performance isn’t all that unusual anymore. It was unusual last week when the woman sitting next to me at the Denver Center’s “Blind Date” placed the call, and initiated a conversation.

Luckily, I am not alone. Our readers are an unending source of etiquette anecdotes.

What’s an actor to do, when the ushers and theater staff won’t do their jobs? Lindsey Pierce planned to take the civil route with a woman in the front row who was prattling on in full voice. Pierce’s plan was to silently tap the woman gently on the knee. “But what shot out of my mouth was . . . ‘Shut the (bleep) up!’ ” she said — to applause.

Many young theatergoers are oblivious to the fact that their cell screens can be seen by everyone behind them. When Drew Kowalkowski was stage managing a college production for a primarily text-mad student audience, his light-board operators used their laser pointers — to point out the texters.

I could go on, but instead, for a change — a word of caution. Things are not always what they appear to be. I attended a play where a seemingly unlocatable cellphone kept going off every few minutes. Only later did we learn it belonged to one of the actors, who stored her device behind a piece of scenery in a small theater that had no backstage.

I was never more indignant than on the day I was at a musical so packed, the ushers had to sit in the aisles. One nice woman sat herself down a few feet to my right. But not only did she sing along, I could hear this unending rustling of candy wrappers as she cheerily shifted her weight along to the melodies. “An usher!” I thought.

As a critic, it’s my job to remain as invisible as possible in a theater. But after a while, I thought, “How long does it take to eat a bag of M&Ms, really?” I decided to be a hero to all those around me. I worked up the courage to turn 90 degrees, look this woman in the eye and give her what-for.

I turned, but to this day I am grateful that my brain issued a cease-fire before words crossed my lips. There was this sunny elderly woman, all right. But no candy wrapper in sight. No . . . it turns out . . . the sound was coming from a rustling plastic undergarment. I slinked back into my chair, hating myself just a little bit.

Readers weigh in with their own etiquette horror stories

And a few of our previous rants on the subject of theater etiquette:

Theaters’ worst acts take place in the seats

Theater etiquette: Calling Jack Bauer

Briefly …

The Denver Center Theatre Company has won a prestigious Edgerton Foundation New American Play Award, $28,000 for the ongoing development of its big-buzz world-premiere comedy, “Two Things You Don’t Talk About at Dinner,” by Lisa Loomer. It opens Jan. 26. . . .

Rising experimental playwright Young Jean Lee, author of “Church” at Colorado Springs’ TheatreWorks, will speak at 2:30 p.m. today, before the play’s 4 p.m. performance at the Bon Vivant Theatre on the University of Colorado-Colorado Springs campus. 719-255-3232. . . .

And finally, here’s our Twitter-sized review of And Toto Too’s world-premiere comedy, “Whacking the Turkey,” about an eerily familiar face who wins the presidency based on an American Idol-like competition: “Messy Sarah Palin parody bastes our pop-culture priorities, but with Bible Spice in our rear-view mirrors, the comedy tastes a bit dry” (Through Nov. 12, at 2701 Lawrence St., 720-280-7058).

John Moore: 303-954-1056 or jmoore@denverpost.com

“Anonymous”: Shakespeare or Fakespeare?

Call it the Bard Bout of the Centuries: Shakespeare vs. Fakespeare. While the new film “Anonymous” makes an audacious case against the Bard, a local panel of experts just isn’t buying it. Read the full story here.

Post’s John Moore among nation’s most influential theater critics

The Denver Post’s John Moore has been named one of the 12 most influential theater critics by American Theatre magazine, in part for the multimedia innovations he has implemented at denverpost.com/theater. Moore, who returned to The Denver Post in 1993 as an assistant sports editor, was cited for his ability to cover the news related to more than 100 active theater companies in Denver and to provide clear-eyed criticism of their productions. Read more about it: on our Running Lines Theater page and here’s the link to the complete American Theatre story.

This week’s upcoming theater openings

Opening Wednesday, Nov. 2, through Dec. 4: National touring production of “The Lion King,” at the Buell Theatre



Opening Thursday, Nov. 3, through Nov. 13: Red Rocks Community College’s “Pieces of Eight,” a collection of original short plays Lakewood



Opening Friday, Nov. 4, through Nov. 20: 73rd Avenue Theatre Company’s “Billy the Poet” Westminster



Opening Friday, Nov. 4, through Nov. 19: Longmont Theatre Company’s “Frost/Nixon”



Opening Friday, Nov. 4, through Nov. 6: National touring production of “South Pacific,” at the Lincoln Center Fort Collins



Opening Friday, Nov. 4, through Dec. 11: Germinal Stage-Denver’s “A Streetcar Named Desire”



Opening Friday, Nov. 4, through Nov. 19: Devil’s Thumb’s “Accomplice,” at the Dairy Center Boulder



Opening Friday, Nov. 4, through Nov. 13: Southern Colorado Repertory Theatre’s “Trinidad: Our Stories, Vol. One,” at Mount Carmel Community Center Trinidad



Opening Saturday, Nov. 5, through Dec. 10: Curious Theatre’s “Collapse”

This week’s upcoming theater closings

Today, Sunday, Oct. 30″ Denver Center Theatre Company’s “To Kill a Mockingbird,” at the Stage Theatre



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Vintage Theatre’s “The Grapes of Wrath”



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Cherry Creek Theatre’s “The Unexpected Guest”



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Springs Ensemble Theatre’s “Coronado” Colorado Springs



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Heritage Square Music Hall’s “Who Done It at the High School Reunion?” Golden



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Arvada Festival Playhouse’s “Charles Dickens’ Ghost Stories”



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Front Range Theatre Company’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” Castle Rock



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Backstage Theatre’s “Cannibal, the Musical” Breckenridge



Today, Sunday, Oct. 30: Thin Air Theatre Company’s “The Vampire of Cripple Creek” Cripple Creek



Monday, Oct. 31: Mercury Cafe Motley Players’ “Making a Killing”



Saturday, Nov. 5: Boulder’s Dinner Theatre’s “Slow Dance with a Hot Pickup”



Saturday, Nov. 5: Byers-Evans’ “An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe”



Saturday, Nov. 5: Shadow Theatre’s “The Final Mile to Providence,” at Su Teatro’s Denver Civic Theatre



Sunday, Nov. 6: Denver Center Attractions’ “Blind Date,” at the Galleria Theater



Sunday, Nov. 6: Creede Repertory Theatre’s “The Road to Mecca,” at the Arvada Center



Sunday, Nov. 6: TheatreWorks’ “Church” Colorado Springs



Sunday, Nov. 6: PHAMALy’s “Vox Phamilia: Quadrapalooza,” at the Avenue Theater (also plays Nov. 7-8 at Wit’s End, Westminster)



Sunday, Nov. 6: Nov. 6: Ignite Theatre’s “A Chorus Line, at the Aurora Fox



Sunday, Nov. 6: Evergreen Players’ “Brighton Beach Memoirs”



Sunday, Nov. 6: Union Colony’s “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” Greeley



Sunday, Nov. 6: Theatre Or’s “Apples from the Desert,” at the Mizel Center’s Pluss Theatre

Most recent theater openings

“Church” In this one-act “story,” bear witness as rising playwright Young Jean Lee transforms her life-long struggle with Christianity into an exuberant church service featuring one charismatic preacher and three members of his vestry. This experimental play, not a simple parody, is designed to test the expectations of religious and nonreligious alike. Through Nov. 6. The playwright leads a pre-show talk at 2:30 p.m. Sunday (Oct. 30). Presented by TheatreWorks in the Dusty Loo Bon Vivant Theater, corner of Union and Austin Bluffs Parkway on the University of Colorado-Colorado Springs campus, 719-255-3232 or theatreworkscs.org

“Hello, Dolly!” This classic Broadway musical is a whirlwind race around New York at the turn of the 20th century, following the adventures of America’s most famous matchmaker. Songs include “Put On Your Sunday Clothes,” and “Before the Parade Passes By.” Through Nov. 12. StageDoor Theatre, 27357 Conifer Road, Conifer, 303-886-2819, 800-838-3006 or stagedoortheatre.org

“Kama Sutra” Pamela and Tristan have been strolling down the path of monotonous monogamy for 25 years. One day, Pamela comes across the “Kama Sutra” in the library, sending her on a journey of sexual exploration. Through Dec. 18. Dangerous Theatre, 2620 W. 2nd Ave., 720-233-4703 or dangeroustheatre.com

“Proof” David Auburn’s Pulitzer-winner about a young woman who has spent years caring for her brilliant but unstable mathematician father. After his death, she wonders how much of his genius — and madness — she has inherited. Through Nov. 12. Presented by the Coal Creek Community Theatre, Louisville Center for the Arts, 801 Grant St., Louisville, 303-665-0955 or ccctheater.org

“The Rocky Horror Show” Brad, Janet, alien transsexuals from the planet Transylvania and Dr. Frank N. Furter. Songs include “Time Warp.” Through Nov. 27. Presented by OpenStage at the Lincoln Center Mini-Theatre, 417 W. Magnolia St., Fort Collins, 970-221-6730 or openstage.com

“Vox PHAMILIA: Quadrapalooza” The handicapped theater PHAMALy’s fourth annual fall evening of sketch comedy. Their original material, written from personal experience and honed into an evening of short scenes by director and comedian Edith Weiss, skewers the absurdities of their everyday lives with brain injuries, diseases, mobility issues and more syndromes than you can count. Recommended for 16 and older. Through Nov. 8. Presented at the Avenue Theater, 417 E. 17th Ave. (through Nov. 6) and at the Wit’s End Comedy Club, 6080 W. 92nd Ave., Westminster (Nov. 7-8). 303-321-5925, (303-430-4242 for Wit’s End); phamaly.org and here’s our preview story

Complete theater listings

Go to our complete list of every currently running production in Colorado, including summaries, run dates, addresses, phones and links to every company’s home page. Or check out our listings by company or by opening date

The Running Lines blog