Lets go USA women's hockey.Beat Canada. get that gold,dang them ladies like to get physical. Lets get physical -song reference #goldenwomen — Derek Holland (@Dutch_Oven45) February 20, 2014

I don’t really follow baseball teams other than the Red Sox so before today I’ve never heard of Derek Holland, but this is the kind of tweet that gets my attention. This tweet is perfection, he covers every base (see what I did there). Patriotism? Check. Canada bashing? Check. Out of place and weirdly sexual song reference? Double check. He even meant to use the hashtag #Goldengirls but is on such a different level that he used a more mature one, probably to show respect to women. You even have to admire the complete lack of adherence to any grammar, punctuation or capitalization rules. I needed to know what makes this man tick, if only to better myself. So, like any real journalist, I headed to wikipedia to gather background info. That’s where I saw this gem:

Literally everything I see about him impresses me more. Like, do you think being named the Dutch Oven is inappropriate and disgusting? Well take another look at this face:

Now try to tell me that son of a bitch doesn’t look like a Dutch Oven.

PS: I kinda thought the pedostache was a little much. It’s okay though, he doesn’t drive a van. He drives this:

No way a pedophile would drive that.

#TeamDutchOven