I have few personal insecurities when I go on a first date. I like my looks enough for two people, I generally believe in my own ability to Attain Things I Want, and I don’t believe that a successful date predicates my happiness or ability to love life.

But holy cow, I get nervous explaining my identity as a feminist.

It’s not about my own gender or the usual gender-persuasion of my dates; it’s about society and human nature and chance. Society cultivates ideas about words; humans gobble up ideas and incorporate their nutritious bits into their very beings; and chance dictates what bits their beings will actually believe are nutritious.

So I don’t know what to expect when I use the word “feminism” on a first date. Maybe my date’s mom is a feminist, and Date really respects Mom’s idea of feminism. On the other hand, maybe Date’s ex was another kind of feminist, and Date is pretty darned tired of being berated every time Date refers to multi-gendered groups of humans as “guys”. Or maybe Date’s only understanding of feminism comes from, like… Fox news. Or /r/mancave*.

*I do not know if this is a real subreddit, and if it is I cannot speak to its contributors’ undoubtedly varied opinions of feminism.

In all cases, I have grown to expect that when I admit to “feminism,” my date will make instant, automatic assumptions about me and about my values. Some will be accurate and some will probably be really not.

So, here I am, ready to spread the word: feminism is no one thing. Feminists are as widespread (and therefore as varied) as gamers, as Christians, as the-glob-of-people-referred-to-as-“employed”. You just can’t know what it means for any one person to be a feminist, can’t use that knowledge to fully predict a person’s values and responses to stimuli.

Here’s what it means to me.

I am for gender equality, and I believe that requires elevating women in ways in which women are currently — whatever the opposite of elevated is. Downtrodden, perhaps. I don’t mean elevating women above men (and other genders), but to the same level.

Practically speaking, this means that I wish women could walk through the park late at night without a man, pepper spray, or, you know, fear. That accusations of rape would always be taken seriously. That there would be no pay gap among genders.

It’s not just the big-ticket items. I also think activewear companies should consider pants designs that allow female wearers to pee without removing said pants along with other activewear (as a front-facing zipper allows men to). I think detachable shower heads should be more prevalent. And bathrooms should have trash cans within arm’s reach of the toilet.

These changes require work on the part of all genders. It might be useful if men learned a little more about what it’s like to be a woman, since they might not all actually know why the trash can should be next to the toilet. It also would help if women could help empower each other rather than compete, especially in competitive or high-power workplaces, since it will take a large team of women to design, build, and market this detachable-crotch activewear.

And what it doesn’t mean to me.

My feminism doesn’t require men to be put down in any way. It doesn’t support picking on anyone for not being familiar (yet) with the struggles of women. Nor does it support unduly incriminating men, or individuals of any gender.

For other ideas on feminism, perhaps start out with the very-possibly-accurate account of Wikipedians: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism, or leave a comment strongly suggesting I do the research and find better sources to recommend.

A final meta-word.

I introduce this topic as being relevant to me when I go on a first date, but really that situation is simply an example of when it can be scary or vulnerable to come out, as it were, as a feminist. This fear of pre-judgment exists for a lot of other identities, as well. The best I imagine we can do to dispel it is to be up front with others about what we have heard them say, what it means to us, and our willingness to let them redefine themselves in our eyes with further conversation. Then hopefully others will extend us the same courtesy.