"i felt like i had to work hard to deserve everything .

even the basic, for granted things.

i couldn't just eat, i couldn't just be loved.

in the same way i would compensate for a meal,

i always thought i could only love after making up.

i had to keep scores so i could stay one step behind.

i had to suffer to prove to myself that i was deserving.

what a heartbreakingly silly thing to have learnt."