The cosmic march of time has claimed a UC Davis student

The UC Davis Safe Ride program has been growing in popularity as a secure taxi service for individuals in need of a later ride from campus to home. However, as the program has experienced more demand, the wait time has increased for those who take advantage of the free service. Tragedy struck Tuesday when a student was faced with a wait so long that it robbed him of his mortality.

Onlookers could only watch in horror as sophomore Sam Tierney was slowly disassembled by the forces of entropy before the student-operated escort service could arrive.

Forever the optimist, Sam was heard defending Saferide to his friends, announcing, “They’ll be here in just a sec,” and “Guys, nobody is even drinking on Tuesdays.” Generations of eyewitnesses watched in prolonged agony as Sam steadily deteriorated into a mound of ashen remains over the course of many millennia.

This most recent tragedy comes on the heels of a string of student check-ins at the Health and Wellness Center after using the Safe Ride service. A clinical advisor reported that students displayed sudden personality changes such as a profound interest in cushioned toilet seats, Wheel of Fortune, “the late, great Rock Hudson,” and other age-related symptoms.

However, this latest development shocked even doctors: A student’s slow desiccation in the steady unyielding drumbeat of time and space as he waited for the campus ride program to arrive.

In an effort to mitigate wait times, Safe Ride has proposed some alternatives to the program, including piggyback rides from a tired man named Todd, a king-size bedsheet that may be held aloft in case of strong winds and a bag full of carpenter ants you may attempt to convince to carry you to your late-night destination — all which have been determined to be faster than the current system.

Although these ideas provide a glimmer of hope, some still are haunted by the memory of a student reduced to a silty collection of granulated human remainder as he waited for the student taxi service.

Written by: Parker Nevin — phnevin@ucdavis.edu