LANSING, IA—Describing it as “a raging desire over which [she] has absolutely no physical or psychological control,” local mother Sandra Bedo told reporters today that she regularly experiences an intense, violent compulsion to festoon her home’s front doorway in decorations that reflect the visual traditions of the current season.“God damn it, I need dry corn stalks now—where are the dry corn stalks?” the 46-year-old mother of three said with a pinecone between her teeth, frantically stringing miniature gourds along twine for a harvest garland. “October is almost here and I need a fucking cornucopia of berries and Indian corn to go at the base of the door next to the pumpkin cluster with the paper cutout of the scarecrow that will look darling leaning against the foliage wreath. Son of a bitch, this feels good! I feel alive!” At press time, Bedo—who claimed to be “propelled by a force far larger and more powerful” than herself—was physically shaking as she purchased a doormat with a cartoon pilgrim on it at a local craft store.

Advertisement