In a move that has been heralded as “groundbreaking” by commentators, Las Vegas nightclub Tech-yes, have embarked on ambitious plans to completely replace all of their scheduled DJ appearances and live musical performers and offer customers free Wi-Fi instead.

Pointing to the fact that booking DJs and live acts to attract punters can cost nightclubs several thousand dollars each week and even then is risky as the performers might not fill the room, leaving the club with a net loss.

“Our thinking behind this move is that booking DJs and live acts, while it can be great for the club, can also be a massive risk,” explained club founder David Harley. “Piping in some decent Wi-Fi and making that the centre piece of the clubbing experience is cheaper and, in a way, forward thinking.”

David claims that having observed the audience at a recent Nervo show he noticed that more people were spending time on their phone “posting vacuous tweets about what a good time they were having”, “listlessly Shazam-ing tracks” and “taking gormlessly smiling selfies that they will never look at again”.

“Having DJs is now largely unnecessary as most of the people who attend nightclubs are only there to Instagram pics of their neck tattoos and to hold up drinks while saying ‘this is awesome brah,’” continued David. “They’re there to be there, not to see some band or DJ, so now we just have a massive iPod Shuffle hanging from the ceiling playing a constant loop of Beatport Deep House charts.”

“We were going to pipe in some live events on a big screen for people to watch,” he added, “but everyone just sat there gazing at their phones anyway so we replaced it with nothing and that seemed to work.”

Regular attendees of Tech-yes are delighted with the advent of the Wi-Fi, which is a super fast 50mbps, claims shot-girl, promoter, raver chick and moron, Cyndeye, “People are so on board for this, they get to come to a place that serves expensive alcohol while making limited eye contact with their friends and not being distracted by some DJ.”

“Listening to DJs play music, or anybody do any kind of live performance, pales in comparison to looking at my phone,” continued Cyndeye whose right hand has fused into a kind of iPhone shaped fleshy claw. “The only thing preventing me from going clubbing was having to use my own data to play on the internet while there, but now that they have free wi-fi I’ll be there all the time.”

“It’s amazing, I can’t wait to go, I’m going to check my Facebook and maybe buy a cheap flight online,” gushed Cyndeye. “Isn’t that what clubbing is really all about, phones!”

David claims that the reaction among DJs hasn’t been “that bad” as “most of the good ones don’t really want to play in shiny shit-factories in the middle of the desert and the rest can afford not to”.

“We won’t have any of your favourite DJs in person but I’ve got a David Guetta megamix on my iPod and we’ll for sure keep the VIP area,” he concluded. “Except in there customers get to use a goldplated iPhone while sipping champagne and using an internet speed that is just slightly better than the one everyone else is using.”