“A New York man who dresses as Elmo in Times Square was arrested this week after allegedly going on an anti-Semitic rant in front of Toys ‘R’ Us. Though what I find most shocking about this story is that there was a person inside one of those costumes and not, as I assumed, 100 rats working together.” — Seth Meyers

“The only time you should smoke an electronic cigarette is after you’ve had sex and faked the orgasm.” — Mark Normand

“In the Hulk Hogan sex tape, it takes Hogan a minute to open the condom wrapper. I bet he wishes condom wrappers were made out of yellow T-shirts.” — Mike Lawrence

“When Khaleesi’s dragons grow up, they turn into the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. #spoileralert” — Amy Schumer

“Even after 20 years of marriage, there is still this tension between my wife’s father and me. He’s always giving me a look like, ‘You’re having sex with my daughter.’ And I’m always giving him a look like, ‘Barely.’ ” — Brian Kiley

“I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.” — Jon Friedman

“My husband wants me to dress up in the bedroom as a nurse, ’cause that’s his fantasy — that we have health care.” — Wendy Liebman

“Many people believe that laughter is the best medicine. That’s insane, because medicine is actually the best medicine. That’s why they call it medicine.” — Lewis Black

“True story: I walked into a public bathroom last night, looked at the handicapped stall and thought, ‘Treat yourself.’ ” — Karen Kilgariff

“DNA studies show that our ancestors stopped interbreeding with Neanderthals about 47,000 years ago — which coincides with the point at which Neanderthals started to get really clingy.” — Bruce Cherry

“I’ll buy it that some people were kung-fu fighting.” — Dave Hill

“I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, ‘I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?’ Then just shrug his shoulders and MOVE ON.” — Ophira Eisenberg

“I’m forever damaged. I was in one of the stores at Disneyland when I overheard a mom say to her young son, ‘I’m going to hold onto your Woody until we get outside.’ ” — Jeff Dunham

“Mark Sanchez is just like the Mayan calendar. Their fans exaggerate their accuracy, but everyone knows their finals days are in 2012.” — Geno Bisconte

“I made so many jokes over the years about being flat-chested that when I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, I began to wonder if maybe my boobs overheard me and thought, ‘You know what? She clearly doesn’t appreciate us. Let’s get out of here.’ ” — Tig Notaro

“I don’t think old people are any more racist than the rest of us. I just think they think they’re still whispering.” — Josh Gondelman

“I will not talk to someone who has less than 10 toes. I am LACK TOES INTOLERANT.” — Gilbert Gottfried

“The week of Hurricane Sandy, Mayor Bloomberg thought it would be OK to run the New York Marathon. He said it would lift people’s spirits, it would cheer them up. Thinking back to when my first wife left me and I was sitting in an empty house — no heat, no furniture, no anything, as depressed as I’ve ever been — all I needed was to see a guy from Kenya run by me like he was chasing a gazelle and that would’ve turned my mood right around.” — Rich Vos

“I just saw ‘Argo,’ or as it is titled in Iran, ‘The Mean Trick.’” — John Mulaney

“Everyone knows hipsters are like human bedbugs. You see one, there are probably 40 more under your bed, judging your music.” — Dan Soder

“Here’s hoping this pope upgrade comes with better child-safety software.” — John DeVore

“Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.” — Jenny Johnson

“Manti Te’o is very confused. When you’re a famous athlete you’re supposed to pretend your girlfriend doesn’t exist.” — Nick DiPaolo

“I think if I had a lot more money, I could make more jokes at my own expense.” — Erica Rhodes

“Inventor of Etch-A-Sketch dies in France. His family is shaken but ready to start over.” — Chris Illuminati

“My wife wanted to name our baby girl, Anita. I had to remind her that our last name was Cox.” — Bryan Cox

“Just got a bill in the mail that said, ‘Final Notice.’ So that’s a relief.” — Joe DeVito

“I just had a CAT scan. They found cats.” — Paula Poundstone

“I’m really good in bed. I can sleep for like 10 straight hours without waking up once.” — Jen Kirkman

“Growing up in Louisiana you could always tell the ‘fashion forward’ Klansmen, because they wore the fitted sheets.” — Theo Von

“I know I’m not mentally qualified to own a gun, because at least five times a day I think, ‘I wish I had a gun right now.’ ” — Jim Norton

“I was watching ‘Annie Hall’ on TV, and my girlfriend came home and started complaining about her office drama. She asked me, ‘Are you tuning me out for ‘Annie Hall?’ I said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Was your story nominated for seven Academy Awards?’ ” — Sam Morril

“Working in politics for 10 years has taught me one thing: Together, we can do amazing things. But we won’t.” — Jeff Maurer

“I used to read comics as a pre-teen and get really upset. I was like, ‘Really? That’s how big my boobs have to be if I want to fight crime?’ Holy crap! I better start drinking milk!” — Erikka Innes

“Funny how if I have breakfast in bed I’m ‘romantic,’ but if I also have lunch and dinner in there, I’m ‘suffering from crippling depression.’ ” — Matt Donaher

“Straight guys will never know how expensive it is to be a woman. And that’s why you pay for dinner.” — Livia Scott

“I grew up near Newark, New Jersey. If New York City’s the city that never sleeps, Newark, New Jersey is the city that watches you sleep.” — Dan St. Germain

“Pot has been legalized both in Colorado and in Washington state, a development that calls not only for a re-examination of our drug war, but also a complete re-routing of my touring schedule.” — Bill Maher

“My mom keeps calling the new Tarantino movie ‘Jenga Unchained.’ Not that that wouldn’t be exciting. Jenga can get pretty out of control.” — Aisha Tyler

“My girlfriend told me she wanted me to dominate her, so I said, ‘Let’s play Scrabble.’ ” — Myq Kaplan

“There’s no way with any dignity can you walk out of someone’s bathroom and ask, ‘Excuse me, where’s your plunger?’ ” — Seth Herzog

“Good news: Harrison Ford is returning to ‘Star Wars.’ Bad news: He’s playing his character from ‘Regarding Henry.’ ” — Paul Scheer

“Can we all agree that America broke up sometime around Bush vs. Gore? At this point, we’re just living together because of the lease.” — Christian Finnegan

“Being a wife and mother is exhausting! That’s the reason housewives love that book ‘50 Shades of Grey.’ It has nothing to do with the sex. It’s because the main character ties the woman up. And, while you’re tied up, you don’t have to do the laundry, the dishes or drive anyone anywhere!” — Tammy Pescatelli

“I think, if I ever have to make a concession speech, I will do it from a concession stand, and everyone will realize they made a mistake.” — Andrew Mayer

“I grew up poor, but to be honest, when you’re poor as a child, you don’t notice because you just eat food kids already enjoy. Applesauce sandwiches for dinner again?! IT’S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!” — Jermaine Fowler

“In order to score seats on overcrowded subways and buses, some women in China have begun strapping on silicone pregnancy bellies. It’s kind of like what New Yorkers do for a seat on the train, but instead of faking a pregnancy, they just throw up on people.” — Eliot Glazer

“If a girl in a bar asks you to guess how old you think she is, always respond: ‘24?’ It’s a compliment no matter what.” — Aaron Karo

“Weather reporters are forecasting a ‘wintry mess,’ which is what I call drunk white women in Uggs.” — Kate Hendricks

“Recently Dane Cook was unable to get an audition for the show ‘Person of Interest.’ ” — Andy Kindler

“I think my parents have become ghost hunters because every room they go in they think is cold.” — Matt Weinhold

“I find that if you sing most things ‘Les Miz’ style, people take rejection way worse.” — Renee Gauthier

“The US is stopping the use of the term ‘Negro’ for census surveys. They’re going to use ‘Brotha’ and ‘Sista’ from now on.” — Monroe Martin

“My whole family thinks we’re cursed. They keep going on about ‘The family curse! The family curse!’ I’m like, ya’ll, we’re not the Kennedys. We just make really bad decisions.” — Bobbie Oliver

“Sometimes I’ll be in a bad situation and think, ‘Pretending to text is the only way we’re gonna get out of this one alive.’ ” — Greg Barris

“Enough is enough — it’s the same word. It’s even spelled the same way.” — Nick Thune

“The story of the Titanic speaks to me, because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party and then killed over 1,500 people.” — Rob Delaney

“People spend so much on their pets. A hairless cat is $1,200, but an uncooked chicken is $8.95. It’s a no-brainer.” — Abbi Crutchfield

“If you ever get stuck talking to a 9/11 conspiracy theorist, punch them in the face. Then spend the next half hour explaining how that punch actually came from inside their own head so they can know how annoying it is.” — David Kinney

“Martin Luther King Jr. was 26 years old when he led the Montgomery bus boycott. Seriously, though, don’t rush into starting that podcast!” — Matt Goldich

“I’ve been wearing so many scarves lately that I wonder if my ancestors were part Steven Tyler mike stand.” — Selena Coppock

“NFL GM’s are asking draft prospects if they’re gay. That’s wrong. It should be between the player and his teammates he’s looking at in the shower.” — Jim Florentine

“You ever soak in the tub too long, and your fingertips get wrinkly? You ever cry and you soak in your own tears, and your face gets wrinkly? But then you realize that’ʼs just because you’ʼre old?” — Charlyne Yi

“The Catholic Church is now attempting to find a new pope, which is not easy to do. They’re actually considering using Christian Mingle.” — Cathy Ladman

“Two cities in England fighting over the remains of King Richard III. Because if you want to make a truly authentic King Richard soup, you really need the bones.” — Bobby Slayton

“I like the British royal family. Although I was a little suspicious when they knighted Mix-a-lot.” — Kurt Braunohler

“Obama said if we agree with him on his tax increase on the rich that he needs us to e-mail our congressmen and representatives. I thought, well then, I’m gonna need you to e-mail me who they are. Because unless they’re hosting ‘Shark Week,’ I’m probably not familiar with their work.” — Kathleen Madigan

“I like my men like I like my wine: rich, bold, brooding and not permitted on a flight.” — Jena Friedman

“When I see someone smoking an electronic cigarette, I know that person used to be cool.” — Josh Comers

“Everyone talks about how work is such a good thing, until a woman gets it done to her face.” — Jessica Delfino

“I only drink on special occasions. Like when it’s someone’s birthday . . . on Facebook.” — Jamie Lee

“I almost feel bad for racist people nowadays — it’s got to be tough. I imagine that somewhere out there, there’s an incredibly racist man that knows all the lyrics to ‘The Fresh Prince.’ ” — Kevin Barnett

“I like my coffee like I like my women. With an equal wage structure and no pressure to fit into social expectations of beauty. (Please date me.)” — Ed Weeks

“My mom is from Spain, and she’s always giving me a hard time about being broke. She’s like, ‘You’re always broke.’ I’m like, ‘Your whole country is broke.’ ” — Carmen Lynch

“I was watching ‘Jeopardy’ once, and the answer was, ‘This leader did some sightseeing in a newly defeated Paris in June of 1940.’ Then the contestant said, ‘Who is Adolf Hitler?’ And Alex Trebek replied, ‘That is correct.’ Really? That’s the answer to the question, ‘Who is Adolf Hitler?’: a guy who went antiquing through Europe? Because I feel like I know that name from something else.” — Jane Borden

“The best part of a root canal is the walk home with your very own

magical family of gnomes.” — Tom Papa

“My parents will be in my apartment in 15 minutes. I feel like a real estate agent staging a place.” — Rena Zager

“I’m an opportunist. I see the glass as half off.” — John Marshall

“The half-marathon is great because what else can you do halfway and still feel like a winner? ‘Wow, you ran a half-marathon. I’m semi-impressed.’ ” — Andrew Ginsburg

“Things in LA you can always overhear people talking about: traffic and gluten.” — Dan Levy

“El Pollo Loco’s slogan is, ‘Crazy You Can Taste.’ Why would I want to taste crazy? I’ve already tasted what hate taste like: Dairy Queen.” — Lou Santini

“I don’t set people up because I don’t want to be held responsible when one of them turns out to be a werewolf.” — Melinda Hill

“Life is a mystery! You will never really know if you are talking to someone that can tolerate eating soggy bread.” — Lynn Shawcroft

“As a male above age 30, I get all these targeted, personalized ads for, like, mortgages and sexual aids. So annoying! I don’t need information about mortgages.” — Jeff Kreisler

“Had a one-night stand. When I woke up this morning she’s gone. Written in lipstick on the mirror, ‘Welcome to the wonderful world of the flu.’” — Dane Cook

“If we get rid of pennies, how will old people hold up supermarket lines?” — Stephen Colbert

“Happy White People’s Independence Day. The slaves weren’t free, but I’m sure they enjoyed fireworks.” — Chris Rock on July 4

“I haven’t been following the controversy surrounding ‘Zero Dark Thirty,’ but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.” — Amy Poehler on Kathryn Bigelow at the 2013 Golden Globes

“Everyone thinks I’m a weirdo for carrying a canned ham everywhere — until someone wants a sandwich.” — Jim Gaffigan

“I’m ready to go on ‘Oprah’ to admit doping in 1968.” — Steve Martin

“When a woman doesn’t wanna get married, she’s a weirdo. When a man doesn’t wanna get married, he’s George Clooney.” — Sarah Silverman

“I went to the movies the other day. There’s a new announcement in the theater mixed in with the trailers: ‘Please pick up the garbage from around your seat.’ Oh, OK. Maybe I’ll bring my orange jumpsuit and a wooden stick with a nail in it, too. Why would I throw it down and then pick it up? There is an agreed-upon deal with us and the movie theater people. The deal is — you’re ripping us off. OK, we get it, we’re fine with it. In exchange for that, when I’m done with something, I open my hand.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“If we don’t change the way we live, pretty soon you’ll be getting droned for drinking a 32-ounce soda out of assault rifles — and with no pope!” — Colin Quinn

“’You need one? Here’s 50.’ — paper towel dispensers” — Julius Sharpe

“Sometimes I get scared robots are going to take over. Then I use a motion-controlled sink.” — Damien Fahey

“Alec Baldwin and his wife disagree over a baby name. She’s undecided. He’s dead-set on ‘Ungrateful Little Pig!’ ” — Lisa Lampanelli

“I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too and I can just stay home.” — Demetri Martin

“Sky Mall Magazine sells a ‘life size’ statue of Bigfoot. And just who determines that? They should send two-inch statues and say, ‘Prove us wrong!’ ” — Brian Regan

“Bad names for Restaurants: 1) Dead Things in Sauce. 2) End of the Road. 3) This is a Tax Shelter.” — Eddie Pepitone

“I’m the Michael Jordan of baseball of comedy.” — Alec Sulkin