In what he termed a "strong blow to fight crime," a highly placed sourced yesterday said motorcyclists in Manila will soon be banned from wearing helmets and clothes.

"This is a decisive measure against the so-called riding-in-tandem crooks," said dubious, greasy-looking and alleged law-enforcement spokesperson Atanacio Salvatroll.

"Riding-in-tandem" is a colloquial term for armed criminals, mounted two to a motorcycle, who rob and in some cases murder people on the streets. Usually wearing helmets to conceal their faces, the gunmen use their motorcycles for quick escape.

To deal with the threat, some districts have already banned motorcyclists from wearing helmets, so riders can be identified. Other districts have forbidden two people from riding a motorcycle unless they can prove they are relatives. <-- WARNING TO READERS: This paragraph is NOT satire

The new regulation is "merely logical," said Salvatroll. He noted now, by banning motorcyclists from wearing helmets AND clothes, police will have an easier time performing what he called a "real-time criminal threat assessment."

He explained: "It's simple, when a policeman sees people on a motorcycle, he will conduct an instant ocular inspection and ask himself mentally: 'are they naked?' If the answer is 'yes' then the officer classifies them as a low security risk, depending on closer scrutiny.

"If they're wearing clothes and/or helmets, he immediately opens fire."

Asked if the sight of naked motorcyclists in the city could cause alarm and scandal, Salvatroll shrugged and replied "it can't be more disturbing than seeing Bongbong Marcos on television."

He said that if the plan works and riding-in-tandem crimes are reduced, then the government might consider easing the restrictions.

"For instance, we might relax the rules saying tandem motorcyclists have to be relatives. The passengers won't need to carry birth certificates pasted to their bodies."

But if the plan doesn't succeed, he warned the government would have to take "stronger measures."

"We might consider banning motorcyclists from bringing their motorcycles. Under that plan, they would have to leave their bikes at home and go around on the streets making 'VROOM VROOM VROOM' noises.

"And they would still need to be naked."

Atanacio Salvatroll said authorities were already planning similar schemes to deal with the city's perennial traffic problem.

"We've discovered that a lot of traffic is caused by private cars, so we think we can greatly reduce traffic if we ban cars.

"If that doesn't work, we might ban all vehicles from the streets. No vehicles. No traffic.

"If that STILL doesn't work, we're considering banning streets."

According to Salvatroll, "you need cool logic to solve our city's problems."

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