You there! Fellow American! I need your help! There’s a July 4th-mergency! I’m throwing my famous United Meats of America cookout, which celebrates out history & culture through expert butchery & cookery, but nobody can enjoy themselves, because we’re being haunted by an actual Spectre of History. He keeps floating from guest to guest, discussing whatever topic from American history he thinks of. And that’s a huge bummer, because it’s really hard to celebrate America when you’re aware of its history, you know? I gotta get rid of this thing, A S A P!

See that big robed figure, looming over that big buttery pile of corn-on-the-cob? That’s him. Currently, he’s lecturing my guests on the history of corn, with a real heavy emphasis on our savage betrayals of the Native Americans, the development of corporate mega-farms, & the wasteful rise of food getting used as a fuel source. It’s really bringing the mood down, so I hope you can help me get him out of here soon! Sure, the facts will still be true once he’s gone — our country will still be engaging in abuse of Native communities because why break a perfect streak — but I’d really like to go back to pretending I don’t know about any of it! Can you call a Ghostbuster, or something?

I first noticed him around 7AM, when I was putting up the red, white, & blue bunting. He terrified me, because I thought it was Death! But then he explained that he was merely the Spectre of History, and I got kind of excited. I love history! I mean, not History history, but I enjoy learning fun things that I didn’t know about. Y’know, how fat Taft was, or how Coca-Cola had cocaine in it, or a reading a solid deep dive into the behind-the-scenes of shooting the outhouse scene from Jurassic Park. I do not enjoy reading detailed accounts of the horrendous genocide that birthed this nation, the racist slavery that built it, nor the subsequent & ongoing refusals to reckon with that legacy!

Sheesh! It’s too much, man. I’m like, how can I enjoy these hot dogs if I know that they’re full of cruelty & abuse? I can’t, & that’s just not fair! A 4th of July BBQ is my right as an American, damnit! Just like due process, privacy, & the right to care for my children, which I’m sure this stupid spirit will tell you are under attack. But I mean, is he a historian or a newsman? Pick a lane, spirit!

Maybe if we turn this block into a gated community, with armed private security, I can go back to pretending America’s fine? I know it’s worked for other people. Rich people, sure, but still people, technically. You know what? I’ll just run a poll on NextDoor about it later. But that won’t get rid of this ghost! That’s the real problem here, this loud, well-read spirit, incessantly listing all of America’s various sins. Some of them are really old! How am I supposed to worry about old stuff that didn’t involve me? It’s not like it still affects people!

Ugh. What’s he doing now? Is he folding that dollar bill? Ohhh boy. He’s diving into the Illuminati & making Nazi analogies. Seems like the Spectre of History’s going off the rails, no? Say, maybe that’s the key! You let a historian go on long enough, they get sidetracked, & you can just start dismissing ‘em! I mean, if he’s wrong about that, what else is he wrong about, right?

Yes, that’s perfect. We’ll just wait this out. The moment for self-reflection will pass, then we can all just go back to eating our hamburgers, like the good ol’ days. Besides, America’s institutions are strong; I’m confident we’ll be back to politics as usual soon enough. It can’t happen here, right?

I mean, the Spectre probably thinks it can, but what does he know? He’s busy blaming us for 9/11! What a kook.

All right. You want a beer? Happy 4th!