You message your ex. And keep it a secret from your partner

You are flirting with someone online but you hide your chats from your partner

You are actively stalking social media accounts of someone you find interesting

You are sending romantic or subtle sexual emoticons like a kiss, heart, etc to someone other than your partner

You are making more effort than usual to dress up every time there is a chance to bump into a special someone

You have saved this interesting person’s phone number under another name

You have a Tinder account just to surf – and don’t tell your partner about it







-Pallavi Shankar



Jab Meeta Sinha met Aakash Kapoor (names changed), over a business lunch, something started cooking between the much-married — not to each other — duo. They exchanged numbers and the texts started. To begin with, it was all ‘safe talk’ on similar interests, hobbies, films. A few months later, the chats became a daily routine – woven into their commute, work, lunch hour and, sometimes, at night. Kapoor wanted the frequency of texts to increase – when that didn’t happen, he went through a phase of mild depression that put him on the couch. The diagnosis: micro-cheating.WHAT IS MICRO-CHEATING?Is it only a buzzword in the ever-changing relationship landscape? A new term for digital infidelity? Yes and no. For instance, Kapoor wasn’t being ‘unfaithful’, at least not in the classic sense. Counsellors call it ‘micro-cheating’ – to describe this ‘kinda-sorta’ infidelity that stops short of physical contact. “Micro-cheating happens when you create small opportunities for affectionate behaviours that fall outside your relationship,” says therapist Tammy Nelson, author of the book The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity. Simply put, it is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship. It could be: checking their social media posts, late night messaging, using romantic emojis or saving their number under a false name.AM I A CHEATER?“Nice profile pic”, “Stunning photo!”, “Gorgeous tattoo” – not all texts are loaded. Sometimes a comment may just be that: a harmless comment. Psychiatrist Dr Deepak Raheja says what becomes micro-cheating is the context and intent. “If it is the thrill of communicating with someone to escape the mundaneness of life, it’s harmless; but if it’s to escape your relationship/marriage, it’s a grey zone.” Agrees psychiatrist Dr Jitendra Nagpal and adds that when communication with this ‘other’ becomes high priority, it leads to confusion. Secrecy and sneakiness are cheating’s best buddies. Psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh, says, “When you are hiding a friendship/connection, real or virtual, it is cheating.” So, when you notice yourself withholding information related to a person, you are slipping towards micro-cheating.When AM I cheating?Ask yourself. Or rather ask your partner, because what constitutes micro-cheating is vague – depending on whom you ask. Every couple decides their own cheating threshold. Relationship counsellor Dr Rachna K Singh uses “attentive conversation” to identify the micro-cheaters. For instance, when you notice and comment on a cute neighbour’s blue tie or a colleague’s red nails, you are paying attention to details. Like media professional Deblina Guha felt cheated when her husband made a comment on another woman’s tattoo. “He didn’t notice my new haircut but commented on his Twitter friend’s tattoo!” Chugh says, “Let’s face it, a committed partner will not like it even if their significant other notices an opposite sex’s appearance, plus it may affect the primary partner’s self-esteem.”WHAT ABOUT TRUST?According to a research paper in Psychology Today, online communication and social media allow people the opportunity to interact far more easily, giving rise to more cases of what comes in the ambit of micro-cheating. As columnist and writer Anil Dharker notes, “In the era of landline, communication with a third person outside your primary relationship was not easy. With smartphones loaded with chatting apps, every contact number can be a potential romantic collaboration.” Nagpal says micro-cheating gets a free pass as its scope is undefinable. The relationships landscape has just got a wee bit murkier.Texting your way to the danger zoneIf you’re indulging in consistent emotional conversation and hiding it from your primary partner, you’ve entered the grey zone. Though boundaries in relationships are largely personal, and depend from couple to couple, if you think your partner won’t be happy to see a message you’re sending someone else, it’s a red flag zone.Everyday exchange talk/chat about routine, mood, life, too falls in this red flag zone. Counsellors call this dependent conversation, which has risen manifold in the age of social media. These discussions may be with a colleague, social media friend or an ex-flame.Noted anthropologist and relationship scholar Helen Fisher calls cheating via social media and smartphone “remote infidelity” and it is coming up as a relevant research topic"With smartphones loaded with chatting apps, every contact number can be a potential romantic collaboration." —Anil Dharker, columnist"Around 40 percent of real-life cheating cases of couples that I have seen has started with micro-cheating." —Dr Jitendra Nagpal, psychiatristAre you a micro-cheater? Here is a quick checklist: