I was thinking about becoming a Republican the other day.

No, really, I was! Ya know, the moneyâ€™s good. And you donâ€™t have to share. And you donâ€™t really have to care about the impact of what you do, or what people think of you. Rich, selfish, carefree. Thatâ€™s not such a bad life, is it?

Yeah, I was really considering it. But then I realized that in so many ways, Iâ€™m not really cut out for it.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that people would know that I thought George W. Bush was cool.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I really donâ€™t feel comfortable demanding that my underclass â€˜volunteerâ€™ military fight wars that I myself would refuse to fight.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I just donâ€™t need another expensive car as much as poor kids need healthcare.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like limited presidential power.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like separation of church and state.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like freedom from government search and seizure without probable cause and a judicial warrant.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like Congress being the lawmaking and oversight branch.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t really think itâ€™s such a great idea to bungle everything in sight, like Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Katrina, and more.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not comfortable with just about the entire world hating me.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not sexually twisted enough.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not completely freaked out about how sexually twisted I am, if I was sexually twisted (which Iâ€™m not).

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not so freaked out about how sexually twisted I am, if I was sexually twisted (which Iâ€™m not), that I need to wreck the lives of other people by politically demonizing them for their â€˜deviantâ€™ sexual preferences and practices.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not frightened of women.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t hate Hillary Clinton. Okay, well, actually I do kinda hate her, but itâ€™s not a foam-at-the-mouth kind of hate, and itâ€™s because of her embarrassingly lame policy positions, not because she happens to combine having power with having a vagina.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not insecure enough about myself that I need to stomp on brown people.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Pat Tillmanâ€™s family would probably kill me for it, and how could I blame them?

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that my own children would probably kill me for it, when they get the tax bill our generation is leaving them.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not comfortable with the idea that my country and my government have become giant cash cows to be milked dry by plutocrats.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™m not nearly corrupt enough.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I have a word to describe people like Bush, Cheney, DeLay, Scalia, Libby, Rove, Wolfowitz, Gonzales and the rest, and it isnâ€™t â€˜admirationâ€™.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t really want to wake up in the middle of the night with the screams of mangled Iraqi children ringing in my ears.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in making decisions on the basis of scientific evidence, not on the basis of some televangelist scam-artistâ€™s interpretation of texts written by unknown authors and cobbled together thousands of years ago by equally unknown text cobblers.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I find incessant, blatant and pathological lying really depressing.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized Iâ€™d have to spend most of the rest of my life apologizing to Terri Schiavoâ€™s family.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t subscribe to the notion that the planet we live on is just one big coal seam to be strip-mined and left like an open scar once its monetary value has been depleted.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t think itâ€™s a real good idea to refer to our centuries-long allies as â€œcheese-eating surrender monkeysâ€ just because they refuse to follow us over a cliff into a war theyâ€™re smart enough to see is insane folly.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that, ridiculously enough, I actually do think the Vice Presidency is part of the executive branch.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that war-avoiding chicken-hawks who mock and degrade actual war heroes in order to win elections are disgusting beyond the words available in my unabridged dictionary.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that hiding behind national security to cover-up corruption and Constitution slashing is not something I particularly admire.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that using the Justice Department to prosecute political opponents and deny suffrage to people on the basis of race isnâ€™t my definition of â€˜justiceâ€™.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t like the idea of people like Dick Cheney telling me which sexual orientation is okay, but applying different rules to their own daughters (and, of course, themselves).

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that arrogance is not very pretty.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that stupidity is even less pretty.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that arrogant stupidity is the least pretty of all.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that polarizing the country in order to win elections, especially after a major national crisis, is a shameful thing to do.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the rule of law, and that it should be applied to all, not just us working stiffs.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t want to be even remotely associated with the guy who is without doubt the absolute worst president in over 200 years of American history.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Iâ€™d have to explain to rightfully enraged future generations how my party blocked any solution to the global warming that is wrecking the planet.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that, forty years later, Iâ€™m not running around still angry about the Sixties. In fact, I rather liked the Sixties.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I want to hurl when I think about Halliburton raking in over $20 billion from no-bid (and apparently also no-work) contracts, while American troops still donâ€™t have sufficient armor, all while my would-be party constantly hides its broken policies behind the welfare of the troops. As if they actually gave a damn.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I donâ€™t want anything to do with a political party that stood by watching while a major American city drowned.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Brownie really didnâ€™t do a heckuva job, after all. And neither did Bushie, Dickey, Rummy, Ashcrofty, Albertoey, Powelly or Ricey.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then â€“ above all â€“ I realized how much I utterly despise hypocrisy.

So, uh, now that I think about it, I guess you guys can keep your Grand Old Party, after all.

The truth is, I donâ€™t see anything particularly Grand about it, anyhow.

Just Old.

Like Caligula, Genghis Khan and Torquemada.

_______



About author David Michael Green is a professor of political science at Hofstra University in New York. He is delighted to receive readers' reactions to his articles ( David Michael Green is a professor of political science at Hofstra University in New York. He is delighted to receive readers' reactions to his articles ( dmg@regressiveantidote.net ), but regrets that time constraints do not always allow him to respond. More of his work can be found at his website, www.regressiveantidote.net