TUNA SALOONA, UGLY

Ugly Tuna Saloona, 14, will close its doors on Wednesday, May 2, one day after the ultimate celebration of life with Senior Crawl. Tuna’s life will come to a close because of Ohio State’s incredibly wise decision to turn the location into office buildings, an extremely beneficial use of space on High Street, right in University District. Ugly Tuna Saloona was proceeded in death by Too’s Under High, and will be succeeded in death by the O Patio and Pub, which will close this coming summer.

While its life will be cut far too short, Tuna had a large array of hobbies and could always brighten someone’s day and make them smile. Tuna was happiest during Ugly Hour, where friends and patrons could get schwasty with $1 drinks, and, therefore, still have enough money afterwards to eat Cane’s for their drunk food fix. Tuna was known for its sense of style, with eclectic blacklight walls (almost too perfect as an Instagram backdrop) and its fishy, beachy, mermaid-esque style, because we already know that you or one of your basic friends probably identifies as a “real mermaid.”

Ugly Tuna Saloona welcomed all.

At Tuna, you could drop it low to all of your favorite, early 2000s, middle school panty-droppers, including but not limited to “London Bridge,” “Low,” and “Bye Bye Bye.”

Even though Ugly could sometimes smell like B.O. from the stench of horny freshmen clad in crop tops and Adidas, it was only because of all the people who loved Tuna, and the smell was bound to happen anyway.

One of Tuna’s greatest characteristics was its understanding nature. Tuna bartenders, knowing that you were already double fisting it and had no more hands to carry a third, faithfully and sincerely poured drinks directly into your mouth from Tuna’s beloved elevated surface.

We’ll always cherish the memories of getting drinks right from the slushie machine, and using restrooms that remained disgusting, but were slightly better than Midway’s. Tuna was there for us in our ugliest hours.

In lieu of flowers, Tuna has asked that you use your money to purchase a fish bowl and get fucked up before it is gone forever. Tuna will receive family and friends at calling hours on Tuesday, May 1, starting at noon. A funeral will take place at Tuna’s later that day when everyone from Senior Crawl is also on the verge of death.

We’ll miss you, Tuna. Stay ugly.

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: