BANGKOK — One of Bangkok’s most-visited tourist walking streets will be paved over to make way for a new luxury mall, organizers announced Wednesday.

The entirety of Khaosan Road will be demolished to make way for an ultra-luxury mixed-use space called “IconKhaosan: The Icon of Prosperity and Quality Tourism” and will feature luxury re-imaginings of traditional Khaosan-ian offerings housed in an ultra-luxury mall with ultra-luxury residences.

“IconKhaosan will become a new icon of prosperous tourism for the future of Thailand,” CEO Sukohok Lorlenbhanichtra said. “You know, with only the rich kind of farang tourists.”

The black grime papering the edges of cocktail bucket menus, the stray dreadlock hairs from that Danish tourist excited about “discovering Asian energy,” the questionable pad thai toppings no Thai would come within 2 meters of – all that will be luxurified with clean uniform marble and the largest flagship Hermes store in the entire Southern Hemisphere, probably.

The “Street Food Food Court” on the Riceberry Helix Zone will feature street carts so elite, it will make tourists feel like locals who never have the time or money for Michelin-starred street food, but are suddenly able to. Jay Fai’s Crab Omelette? So 2018! Experience the delicacy that is Madame Mole’s Lobster Egg Souffle.

Police officers inspect Songkran water festival at Khaosan Road on April 12, 2018

Wave a happy goodbye to those scorpion snacks and crocodile carcass you can’t even take a photo of without paying 10 baht, and the Indian hawkers asking sir and madam to look at the cheap menu. Say sawasdee / konnichiwa to Japanese food court food sample specialists who will bow a perfect 90 degrees even when your used toothpick accidentally stabs them in the palm.

For 25 times the price of massage parlors in Khaosan Road, the “Luxurious Spa and Massage Experience” at IconKhaosan’s Golden Rice Helix Zone offers 30-minute foot massages starting at 4,999THB++++ (Tax 10% and Vat 7% not included). The plonky Green Music is intended to lull tourists into a deep, undignified sleep just the same.

CEO Sukohok insists that the luxury spa will only offer massages, and staff are trained to turn down any “special requests.”

The same massage specialists will gently place Luxury Thai Silk Friendship Bands on your wrists in IconKhaosan’s Sticky Rice Cultural Handicraft Bazaar Helix Zone. Everyone is trained to keep the straightest of faces, and only give The Thai Smile and slight nods to even the most bizzarest and cringients requests for text customization options for your bracelet, including but not limited to “WHAT HAPPENS IN BANGCOCK” and “LADYBOY MAGNET.”

The same unique EDM tracks and amazingly inspiring trance music at Thonglor-area cultural hubs such as Beam and Nunglen will be transported to IconKhaosan’s Red Rice Party Helix, where one can view some English teacher from Websford Hua Hin trying to score with a Year 13 just out with her friends.

City officers check out some scorpions at Khaosan Road on July 4, 2019.

The ultimate luxury security experience will also be afforded on entry for the trust and confidence of all of our guests. The IconKhaosan Farang Kee Nok Fashion Police will be stationed at all entrances, exits, and drone shooting areas to make sure not a single pair of elephant pants, monk bag, or tank top with a local beer brand logo is visible.

“Our drones are even equipped with biometric data to make sure no one is using the Buddha as decoration, whether as a clunky wooden amulet or silk-screened Tshirt bought on Amazon and brought here from overseas,” Sukohok clarified.

Listen to the enchanting aunties armed with wooden frogs croak up an orchestra at the IconKhaosan World Luxury Cineplex in the IconKhaosan Jasmine Cineplex Helix Zone in the daily “Wooden Frog Lady Concert and Opera” shows. IconKhaosan makes sure to give these talented women their fair share of the 1,500THB+++ ticket price, of course.

“We made sure of that in that press release and Facebook photos we posted of the Board smiling with one of them, didn’t we? Why? Did one of them not smile for your souvenir photo? Which one? It was the one on the back row on stage right, wasn’t it, that wooden frog tenor bitch,” the CEO commented.

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