Other politicians in American history have suffered, at best, minor unpleasantnesses. James Garfield got a fat, lazy, Monday-hating cat named after him, which was a pretty cruel thing, but other than that nothing really bad occurred.

John F. Kennedy had to listen to Marilyn Monroe sing, and everyone knows that she was quite hefty and could not sing as well as a Miss USA contestant. But his life was basically fine, even if Ted Cruz’s dad did conspire to give him a very unpleasant surprise during a visit to Dallas.

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Abraham Lincoln never had to suffer like this, except possibly one time when actor John Wilkes Booth was very rude and disruptive while Lincoln was trying to enjoy a play.

Joe McCarthy did a witch hunt, but this was only fair because he was being cruelly persecuted by actual witches, one of whom must have caused the names on his list of Known Communists to become INVISIBLE.

Franklin D. Roosevelt was married to a homely woman, which is sort of a witch-related suffering, but not really.

No, no politician in American history has ever known such suffering as Trump. Richard Nixon had to talk to a man named Bebe Rebozo all the time, which sounds like it would not have been fun for him, and he constantly recorded himself, which — ugh! Nothing worse than hearing the sound of your own voice. No wonder he left office.

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But nothing like Trump.

There were people in Salem who got witch-hunted, literally, but they were nobodies and also some of them were women (read: witches!). And that was different. That could not have been political, even if it was used to target financially independent women and people in positions of power in the Massachusetts town. They had not even invented Democrats yet.

So we must ask: Why is this happening to this man? Why is this witch hunt even taking place? Why do so many people think that Trump is a witch?

True, he may not think he is a witch. But are there not grounds for suspicion?

He has lots of things a witch might have, like invisible riches that fluctuate depending upon his feelings and the ability to make White House press secretary Sean Spicer squirm and twitch in his absence until Trump gives the word for his suffering to cease. Have you ever seen him recite the Lord’s Prayer all the way through? I have no idea if he floats when not on a yacht. Also, his hair stands on end at all times. Since he has taken office, Americans have begun aging 300 years in the course of a week. Time is out of joint. A ghastly specter has risen up from a vile mist and might be offered a position at the Department of Homeland Security. The world is a mist of illusion. Is this not witchcraft?

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Then again, no. He would be a wizard. Witches are nasty women, whereas Trump is a mighty warlock whom we do not adequately appreciate and for whose witch’s teat and demon familiar we should immediately cease our search. If he has signed his name in the Devil’s Book, that simply means that the book is now much more valuable and classy.