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SELF-isolating. Adequate social spacing. Phrases that have sprung into common parlance in the advent of the Coronavirus, all useful when keeping yourself and your loved ones safe; but where does that leave people when it comes to sex? WWN investigates.

“We’ve had to completely ban the slow set” said Michael Hotstepper, owner of Waterford nightclub ‘Michael’s’.

“Too many hot, sweaty people in close proximity to each other, breathing on each other, actively rubbing their open mouths together; the dancefloor was a petri dish. So we took it upon ourselves to be the first nightclub in Waterford with a ‘No Tongue’ policy, and while it’s kept the Covid-19 cases down, it has opened up a huge hole in the hole-getting landscape here”.

So if single people can’t rely on drunkenly mushing into each other on the dancefloor in the hope of getting someone to get home to their unsanitary flat, how are they coping? Where are they getting the ride from, if not from drunken mistakes? Waterford sex expert Sheila Hand has her theories.

“It’s very possible that we could see the dawn of a new form of sexual expression, called ‘leaving each other the fuck alone'” said Hand.

“Before Coronavirus we had your traditional ways to pleasure each other sexually, but now we may see some non-physical methods becoming more popular. So say goodbye to actually having to learn how to please a partner; instead, you just sit there, they sit there, the two of you look after yourselves, and then you sit down and watch a bit of telly. No need to keep your body in shape so that you look good naked, no need to buy anything sexy. Just nice, simple, clean sexy fun. Oh, and remember to clean up after yourself and dispose of your tissues and wash your hands and don’t sneak out without saying goodbye”.

Hand went on to state that in many instances, people don’t even need a partner present in the room, which comes as great news to the thousands of Waterford singletons who can’t get the ride to save their life.