I have been working in IT for way to many years to be still considered a sane and well adjusted individual. After you spend a few years in this industry you realize that some questions asked by users keep recurring like bad dreams or glitches in the matrix.

Below is my attempt to compile a comprehensive list of frequently asked IT questions you might encounter when working as a systems administrator or help-desk drone. All of these are actual quotes from various ticketing systems and email exchanges. I preserved original grammar and spelling wherever possible.

Feel free to print this out and use it in your help desk training manuals.

Is it a virus? No. Are you sure? Yes. My Microsoft is error! Reboot. I already did! Disconnect all cables and peripherals, remove the battery and hold down the power button for 60 seconds. Oh, am I doing this to discharge the capacitors on the motherboard? No, you are doing this to ensure that you actually reboot the machine rather than browse Facebook for 5 minutes and say that you did. Is the email down? No. Flip the WiFi switch on the side of the laptop. Is the server down? No. Flip the WiFi switch on the side of the laptop. Is our website down? No. WiFi switch. Is the WiFi down? No. Flip the WiFi switch! When I my microsoft then it goes and goes not and then it doesn’t. WiFi switch… Probably. Then reboot. Then turn on grammar-checking in Outlook. My computer is slow! No problem. Someone will pick it up tomorrow and it will be re-imaged. Will I loose all my stuff? Yes. Your stuff will be loose. Also, everything not work related and stored on network share will be gone. Ok, my computer isn’t slow anymore. No need to re-image. Too late! Ever since I upgraded Java/Adobe nothing works. That was actually a virus. Good job. Lawl, you forgot to renew corporate antivirus. I had to use my credit card. Call credit card company, demand charge-back then cancel that card. Can you set up away message on my email? No problem. Also, enjoy all the the SPAM in the world. I’m getting too much spam now! Increase spam filters! Ok. Someone said they sent me an email but I didn’t get it. Is it spam filters? No. Are you sure? Yes. I think spam filters make my computer slow! Nope. Spam filters ate my TPS report! No they did not. We actually lied when we said we increased the sensitivity. Please stop obsessing over it. I’m unable to install iTunes. Good. Can you help me install iTunes? No. Can I haz Admin? No. But I need it! No you don’t. I convinced my boss that I need admin. Sigh, ok then. I tried installing iTunes and now my computer won’t boot. Good job. Admin revoked. Can I has Windows 8? No. But I need it! No you don’t. I convinced my boss that I need Windows 8. Sigh, ok. WTF IS THIS SHIT!???? Windows 8. I don’t want it anymore. Tough, deal with it. Windows 8 is now hurting my productivity. Ok, you are now upgraded to Windows 7. Can I haz new computer? No. But I need it! No you don’t. I convinced my boss I need a new computer. Ok. New computer too bulky. I want a thin one like MacBook Air. All employees get same model. Sorry. But I need it! No you don’t! I convinced my boss that I need it. I unconvinced your boss by giving him detailed outline as to how many man-hours it will take to test and deploy all custom software for that model, create and test images and etc… Can I haz iPad? No. But I neeeeed it! No you don’t! I convinced my boss I need it. Ok. Help, can’t install games on company iPad. Good. What is it good for then? Work? You said you needed it for work. I bricked my corporate iPad while trying to jailbreak it. Can I haz new? ಠ_ಠ I accidentally sat on iPad. Can I haz Android tablet as replacement? That will be locked down too. Actually, I no longer need tablet or iPad. Good. I think I got that upside-down screen virus! It’s not a virus. Just do: Ctrl + Alt + ↑ Can I have an extra power strip that I can plug into the power strip under my desk? No. Why not? Fire code. Microwave oven is broken. Not an IT issue. Office refrigerator is running. Not an IT issue. Elevator is broken. Not an IT issue. Lights in the hallway are flickering. Not an IT issue. AC Units in Server Room stopped working. Not an IT issue. Wait, yes it is. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUUUUuuuuuCK! SHUT! DOWN! EVERYTHING! Can’t access webmail! Don’t type in the www in front of the URL. Can’t access intranet site! Type in URL into address box, NOT into google. Can you show me how to hack into someone’s Facebook? No! Also, shame on you. I think some virus put all these porn websites into my browser history. Cool story, bro. My laptop was stolen from my car. Can I haz new one? No problem. Let me just log in to Prey, enable geo-tracking and information collection and… Wait, you can do that? Did I say stolen? I meant my dog… Err… dropped it… ಠ_ಠ My USB port is not working! That’s an Ethernet port. My Ethernet port is not working? That’s a telephone cable. CD stuck in the drive!!! Paper clip it. My laptop has no CD. Yes it does, it’s slot-loaded. Eject key is above main keyboard. It said “do not shut down your computer” so I shut it down. Now it won’t boot. What do? Work on your reading comprehension. We’ll pick up the laptop for repair in the morning. How come my laptop wont turn on when I remove the battery? Physics. What do I need to access files on these 5 1/ 4 inch floppy disks? A time machine. My Excel is broken. I literally can’t anything!!! Press Scroll Lock . I wrote 100 page report, then it asked me if I wanted to save so I said no. Now I can’t find it. Your computer appears to be working correctly. My computer is freeze or error but sometimes is not. These could be early symptoms of a failing memory chip or an issue with the memory slot on the mobo. Please drop laptop off at the IT cave and we’ll run memtest overnight. Every website tells me the SSL certificate has exprired? The date setting in Windows is in the future. Windows update is error. The date setting in windows is in the past. I downloaded pirated Windows 8 and installed it on company laptop. Now all my data is gone and stuff is weird. Please pick up replacement laptop with booting from CD/USB disabled in BIOS at the front desk. My computer shuts down for no reason. Remove cat fur from the fan vents – it’s causing it to overheat. My computer doesn’t even Microsoft only black and hyphen is blink. Sounds like boot sector got corrupted. Drop it off at the cave. My computer is blink!!! Probably memory or mobo issue – we’ll be able to tell from the blink code. Drop it off. I got hacked! My computer is beep when turn on! No. RAM chip got dislodged. Slam the laptop on the table harder, why don’t you. I got hacked! Keyboard doesn’t even like crazy all the time!!! Shorted laptop keyboard. We will replace it right away. Fox fire is error! You have been trying to access a black-listed malware attack site for the past three hours. Please stop. Help, government is reading my email! No it doesn’t. Yep. :( Printer is jam! Says open front cover. Open front cover. Then close it. Printer is un-jam. Outlook is slow! Your PST file is 99 GB. It is physically impossible for Outlook to be fast. Dominos relationship trust is fail when laptop turn on. Ah, yes – the domain relationship trust issue in Windows 7. Workaround: unplug Ethernet cable, log in, plug back in. Actual solution: leave domain, then re-join it. Can I haz Powerpoints? Already installed. Powerpoints is hard. I will dictate, and you make slides, yes? No. My laptop display spontaneously shattered for no reason. I’m assuming the impact marks and cracks on the side also developed spontaneously and not as a result of the laptop being dropped, right? I deleted a file six months ago, then defragged and ran CCCleaner with the feature that zeros-out empty space on the HD twenty seven times in a row. Can we still recover that file? No. But check your email. I’m sure it’s in that 99GB PST file at least twice. I am physically incapable of replacing the toner in my desk printer. Flag down closest intern and hand him/her the following instructions: “PLS REPLACE TONER”. They’ll know what to do. Word is compatibility error! Save as XLSX or XLSM. Our website was hacked! No it wasn’t. You managed to pick up some redirect Trojan though. Can I disable the nightly backup script? It is annoying. No. I convinced my boss nightly backup is hurting my productivity. Ok, but you are responsible for backing up your work from now on. My stuff isn’t backed up automatically anymore, WTF? I lost work! Automated backup script has been re-enabled. What’s a good home theater system for my living room? Not an IT issue. Also, I wouldn’t know. Can I use that TeamViewer software to spy on my girlfriend without her knowing? No. Also, you are a terrible person. When I shake my laptop really hard it freezes on me. Stop shaking it. I gave my work laptop to my two year old to play with, despite you warning me not to do that and now the computer is completely destroyed. Can I haz new? ಠ_ಠ I opened up the laptop and I tried to jam this random memory module I found into some card slot on the motherboard. It wouldn’t fit so I forced in but it still won’t work. Also, second completely unrelated issue: laptop won’t boot up now. Yep, completely unrelated. Is it a virus? Still no.

Illegal Disclaimer: please do not use this for training manuals! If you do, may blog have Marcy on your soles.