These girls may be gone for now, but not forever. Every week The Bachelor Bros will lock themselves in a room, break down the film, and preview one of the top prospects for the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise. The D-League, Triple- A Baseball, College Football…none of these farm systems compare to the pool of prospects in every season of The Bachelor. It’s the dead of February, it’s cold, it’s windy, and we all can’t wait for summer Paradise…so let’s see what this year’s class has to offer. Just to be clear: The wilder, the more “fun”, the more severely bi-polar…the better.

This week’s prospect…

Becca

Draft Board Ranking: #5

Craziness Rating: 5.1 (only cuz she did this show twice)

Wilt Chamberlian‘s Libido Rating: -10 (The computer wouldn’t let me go any lower)

40yd dash: 4.7s (great hands, sneaky quick)

Wonderlic Test Score: 39/45 (Smart, but again, why twice?!)

Bikini Bod Rating: 8.5 (But a 9.98 from the neck up)

Weakness: Tighter than an Aaron Rogers spiral on 1st and five, more impenetrable than Tom Brady’s O-line in 2001, closed for business more often than…you get the point.

Film Breakdown:

The Bachelor’s Virgin Mary is on the board! They say happiness with your draft pick is a function of expectation. Well, if your team expects to display zero emotion and abstain from sexual interaction of any shape or form for their entire lives, boy oh boy is Becca the captain for you. Becca’s round two performance on The Bachelor ended very similar to round one; shockingly cast away off the show in a barn in the middle of White-America, with her hymen still firmly intact. Becca’s only request was for Ben to not blind side her. Well Sandra Bullock called and Becca, you got a full scholarship to Ole Miss. Ben’s biggest loss is Mexico’s biggest gain, as the best prospect you’re not taking home on a Saturday night is heading south. Becca, I know what you’re thinking, “Why the f*ck would a normal, educated, self-respecting girl like me go to Paradise?”. My first answer: Bartender Jorge’s Mai Tai’s. Second answer: Tim Robbins had Shawshank, Tim Duncan had the 2014 Heat rematch, and Tim Allen had Toy Story 3…Becca your name may not be Tim, but Bachelor in Paradise 3 is your shot at redemption.

Draft Prospect Ranking: #5

Tom Brady looked like my accountant when he showed up at the NFL combine. Draymond Green couldn’t hit a house coming out of college. Becca is a virgin. For better or worse, there is always a reason some of the greatest to ever lace ‘em up slip in the draft. You should take a hard look at Becca if you’re the Golden State Warriors: fresh off back to back championships this summer and ready to load up for round three. I know what the scouts are saying: “she’s boring, she won’t put out, and she’s duller than a Marble Board Cheese Knife,” but Becca Tilley is coming to Paradise with a chip on her shoulder. And like The Sheriff Peyton Manning once said, “this ain’t her first Rodeo!” Becca’s a veteran who knows how to play the game. She’s looking for Mr. Right for now, and if your team is on the clock, listen to our analytics department and take Ms. Tim Tebow. After a few quadruple Bahamas Mama’s, she’ll be letting down that hair, ripping off that chastity belt and be the missing piece to your three-peat puzzle.

I see Andy Dufresne down the coast line, soaking in the sun, chilling on the beach…and he looks a lot like BECCA!

In homage to Mike Mayock, the man who’s never come across a Division VI walk on bench warmer from Omaha State Christian Navel Academy that he hasn’t evaluated…