People going through religious struggles or an off-the-derech journey are often confronted by well-meaning individuals who make useless and even offensive comments. I did a little survey of my OTD friends and here are the worst offenders, in no particular order:



1. Oh, you’re off the derech? You must meet my Rabbi. Variations: you must go to an Aish seminar, visit R’Amnon Yitzhak, get a bracha from my rebbe, learn this sefer.



If you must say these things, say them to a person just starting to doubt. Don’t imagine that the person standing in front of you with a cheeseburger is going to run to your rabbi or learn this and that sefer. Leaving your community and way of life is not easy, and, in all likelihood, this person has already tried seforim and rebbeim and seminars.



2. This is just a phase, you’ll be back soon . Variations: you’re just rebelling, you’ll change your tune when you’re on your deathbed, are you done with this stage yet?



These comments, like many others here, blithely dismiss the OTD person’s struggles and difficult decisions. It makes an OTD person sound like someone trying out vegetarianism, someone who will drop it at all at the sight of a good chicken sandwich. If you really think the person will come back, keep it to yourself.



3. Were you abused? Variations: Were your parents divorced? Who hurt you so badly that you are leaving Hashem? What’s the real reason for all this?



Many OTD people have had bad experiences with the frum community, but not all. There are many reasons for leaving a Torah lifestyle and abuse is only one of them. This type of comment translates into: you are leaving the Torah lifestyle because you are broken, maybe you are even mentally unwell. But, the good news is that all you need is a competent therapist. Also, look- it's very unlikely that an abuse victim will suddenly share his or her most traumatic experiences with you out of the blue. Don't be weird.



4. That’s what happens when you eat cholov stam. Variations: have you checked your mezzuzos? This is what happens when you let kids visit the library/wear denim skirts/ play with the neighbors/ go to MO schools.



These comments are simply useless. OTD people don’t think going to the library or eating cholov stam is evil and this type of statement just solidifies their impression of you as a superstitious and uneducated fundie.



5. You’re not really interested in the answers, are you? Variations: you are just leaving because you want to have an easy life/do drugs/have s-ex with everyone you meet.



Not only is this attitude dismissive of the person’s struggle, but it also evidences your basic misunderstanding of the secular world. The OTD person is not taking the easy way out. He has lost his whole family and community. She may be losing her children in a religious custody battle. Many have to re-educate themselves to get a job. OTD people have searched high and low for religious answers and they haven’t found them. And, fyi, the secular world is not defined by drug-induced orgies. Real life is not a “Who’s Your Baby Daddy” talk show.



6. But non jews have such empty lives! Variations: How can you leave such a meaningful life for a world of sheker? non jews will never accept you, they all hate Jews.



OTD people understand that the Torah lifestyle is meaningful to you. But again, the secular world is not a “My Mom Slept with My Boyfriend” talk show. Regardless of what you were taught in school, most secular people live meaningful and productive lives. They raise their families, they help those in need, and they are accepting of other cultures. This comment reveals your ignorance about the secular world and also implies that the OTD person before you is a shallow and empty excuse for a human being.



7. Don’t you want your grandchildren to be Jewish? Variations: You’re killing your mother/father, how will your siblings get married, how can you be so selfish? Your ancestors died for the Torah and you are throwing it away.



These guilt trips do not help. They might make the OTD person feel bad, but, ultimately, won’t change his or her decisions. Think about it: if your perspective or world view radically changed, would you really limit the outcome based on what your grandchildren or siblings may or may not do? You might hide it more, but not forever. It’s kind of like saying to a BT: What? You’re becoming a chossid? But don’t you want your grandchildren to have a secular education? Don’t you want them to have a job?



8. I’m davening for you. Variations: I’m so sad for you, I’m saying tehillim for you, Hashem should help you.



OTD people don’t have cancer. They view their decision in a positive light, as difficult as it may be. They don’t want to be pitied and they don’t want to be viewed as defective. If you want to daven for them, don’t tell them about it.



9. Do you really believe in dinosaurs? Variations: You know, evolution is just a theory, haven’t you heard of the watchmaker analogy, let me tell you the Kuzari proof for Matan Torah, do you really think the Rambam didn’t think of all these questions first? Was Rashi a fool?



If you are going to debate science or history with an OTD person, be very well prepared. They have studied the arguments pro and con and know details that your education probably did not cover. If you make silly generalizations, you will look like an idiot.



10. Mean things. Are you trying to finish Hitler’s work for him? You were never really one of us to begin with, I can’t let my children play at your house anymore, why doesn’t your wife divorce you?



I was shocked at how many horrible things people have said to OTD folks. Everyone understands that you feel strongly about the Torah lifestyle, but comments like the above just alienate the OTD person even further. If you really can’t eat at the person’s house or let your kids play there, handle it under the radar. Be a mentch.



What do OTD people want? Just be kind. Be supporting and hear them out without judgment. Don’t ask them over for a meal just so you can mekarev them. Don’t have coffee with them so you can convince them to keep Shabbos. Be a good friend, just as you would be to anyone going through a difficult phase. And if you can’t, because you’re too hurt, at least don’t say anything.