You BEAST, Dennis Jensen.

“Yasmine didn’t believe in wearing bras; in fact, she really didn’t need to wear them as her breasts were still as firm as they had been in her late teens. Rono massaged her small, soft brown breasts, luxuriating in the silky complexion of her skin. He moved his hand up her inner thigh. ‘Yes,’ she moaned. ‘Do it now, please, don’t wait any longer.'”

And a sexy good morning to you too, world! Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey, the world’s been craving a hot, throbbing new piece of literary meat to devour. Well good news, divorced middle-aged aunties of the world: a wild, sensual new book from a surprise debut author is going to rock your world.

As for the man behind it? Set your loins to froth.

That modern-day Marquis de Sade is Dennis Jensen MP, a federal government backbencher from Western Australia and the new erotic fiction author of your wet dreams. Jensen is best known for his political exploits: calling Aboriginal women racists and telling them to “get over” colonialism, describing people in remote Aboriginal communities as living a “noble savages” lifestyle, questioning the existence of man-made climate change. Standard politician stuff.

But as The Australian reports this morning, Jensen has another passion: writing steamy novels about war, intrigue and “small, soft brown breasts,” and trying to get them published under a pseudonym. The Oz has gotten its hands on a letter Jensen sent to publishing house Curtis Brown in 2007 trying to score a deal for his unpublished novel The Sky Warriors, a thriller which “involves a fictional war between Australia and Indonesia, with Chinese involvement. The book begins with a takeover of Indonesia by a military dictator who … despises Australia. He decides to prevent any further breakup of Indonesia by invading Papua New Guinea.”

Considering Jensen is a member of Parliament’s Joint Standing Committee on defence and foreign affairs, it’s mildly awkward that he seemingly spends his spare time fantasising about Australia going to war with our nearest and largest neighbours. The fact that Jensen sent that letter on his Parliamentary letterhead also raises questions about appropriateness — he initially denied marketing the book to potential publishers since he took office in 2004, but admitted he had done so when the Oz informed him they had a copy of the letter.

But by far the best takeaways from this whole caper are the sex scenes Jensen has written between the mad Indonesian dictator, Rajiv Rono, and his young mistress, excerpts of which were included in the letter. Get a hot load of this:

“[He touched] her inner thigh until he felt the warm wetness with his hand … She pulled his trousers off, ripped the underpants off excitedly, and took him in her mouth.”

Jensen, you beast.

Given one of Jensen’s Liberal colleagues told a meeting of WA Libs that Jensen was a “disgrace” and that his dog Rex could do a better job as the local MP, it’s good to know Dennis has a glittering career as a velvet-robed literary genius/sex god ahead of him if politics doesn’t work out. In the meantime, someone needs to leak the full transcript of The Sky Warriors immediately.

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Via The Australian.