Go Ahead and Groan...You Know You Want To!

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Sonoita. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies." A young cowpoke and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." A man was invited for dinner at Rancher Jim's house out in the country. He was in awe to see that every time Jim spoke to his wife, he started by calling her 'My Love', 'Darling', or 'Sweetheart'. The man looked at Rancher Jim and said, 'That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep calling her those little pet names.' To which Jim replied, 'Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name.' In a small town, the ranchers of the community had gotten together to discuss a land swap with a big mining company. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the ranchers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the mining representatives stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your shoes sir, and count them yourself!" An Arizona cowboy had taken a couple of city feller speculators out to look at some land. The buckboard was rolling along a ridge when a rattler suddenly spooked the horses who began to run wildly. The cowboy (who hated wagons anyhow) fought to control the horses and managed to pull them up just as they approached a cliff. Unfortunately, the wagon hit a rock and bounced the cowboy and the speculators out over the horses and over the cliff. The cowboy had presence of mind to hang onto a rein, and was dangling over the edge. Each of the speculators managed to grab rein on their way over the edge as well. The combined weight was more than the rein would hold and someone was going to have to let go, dropping 200 feet to his death. The two speculators started fighting about who was most important and who should let go. The cowboy listened for a few seconds then began to recite his favorite Cowboy poem. He spoke quietly of how he loved the land, the cows, and ranching and how he was going to miss it all. The land speculators were both so moved they applauded. Two old Arizona cowboy friends had scraped enough money together for a ranch. They bought a few head of cows from their neighbors but needed a good strong bull. Zeke had family in the east that he wanted to visit, but he and Keats agreed that he would stop at a ranch in Texas to buy a bull they'd seen advertised. Once the sale was completed Zeke would telegraph Keats and continue on his way. Zeke headed out with their $200. He got to the ranch and found that it was indeed a fine bull just like the rancher had advertised. "How much will ya take for 'im?" "Can't let him go for less that $250" "All I got is $200, and I have to telegraph my partner." "Well, if you let me do one more week of breeding with him, I'll let him go for $199." "Deal" Zeke paid the rancher and headed to the telegraph office. "How much for a telegraph? I need to let my friend know I bought a bull for our ranch." "90 cent set up and 10 cent a word." "Okay, set up a telegraph to Keats Wilson over to Sonoita Arizona." "Fine, what's the message?" "One word, comfortable." The telegraph agent looked up a bit confused, "Now, how the dickens is your friend going to know what that means." Zeke smiled and explained, "Old Keats, he's a smart man, but he never learned to read real good. He'll mull over that word, sounding it out bit by bit....Cum-for-da-bull." A visitor to Arizona once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that." The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Tucson theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." 3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy, a doctor, says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy, a teacher, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children."

The last guy, a grizzled old cowboy, replies, "I would like to hear them say ... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'" I'm a Santa Cruz County attorney, and one day in divorce court I noticed a laconic cowboy as he took the stand at his hearing.

"You allege there are irreconcilable differences between you and your wife," the judge said. "Is that true?"

"Yep," came the reply.

"Could you tell the court what they are?" the judge inquired.

There was a moment of silence as the cowboy turned the question over in his head.

"Well, Your Honor," he said finally. "I just don't much like her boyfriend."

The divorce was granted immediately. Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher was getting a new bull.

His three bulls were discussing this pending event.

"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up to some new comer." Boasts bull one.

"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.

Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"

About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the three had ever seen.

"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull one.

"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.

Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"

"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!" Send your jokes and humorous stories to Sonoita Networking at PO Box 286, Sonoita, AZ 85637. Copyright 1998-2005, Sonoita Networking .