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John Cena filmed a national Ad Council PSA for release on the 4th of July that called everybody a bigot. Not everybody, just white people with working legs. Sort of a bummer message. You’re not a patriot because you didn’t know the nation has three times as many Muslims as it does active duty military. Are those two mutually exclusive? We need to rethink our parade floats.

Cena asks viewers to close their eyes and picture what an American looks like. For the sake of this eagerly insulting PSA, his narrative assumes you picked a white guy with blond hair who runs a bank. I actually pictured a fat chick in line at the casino buffet in Reno. Just like I do when I’m masturbating. Cena corrects your obviously biased imagination:

There are 319 million Americans. Fifty-one percent are female. So first off, the average American is a woman.

Oops, looks like somebody missed Mean, Median, and Mode day in school. Cena rips off a shitload of U.S. census demographic statistics that are supposed to surprise you about the American population, but won’t. When surveyed, Americans routinely overestimate the percentage of minorities and gay men and women among the general population. That’s heavily influenced by media programming and news coverage of population sub-groups. After months of Target bathroom talk, very few would guess that the tranny population is less than a third of one-percent. They’re all over the place. They’re coming down my chimney, Bob. Fucking trannies flooding down my chimney! There are more Bulgarian-Americans than there are dudes who’ve lopped off their dicks. By a lot. When’s the last time MSNBC broke into regular programming with breaking news about Bulgarian-Americans?

The Ad Council routinely wastes a ton of taxpayer dollars promoting the people for a perfect world agenda of futility and nonsense. Promoting peace and harmony are lovely ideals. Fucking up the Fourth by grabbing a WWE star to call everybody a small-minded bigot who hates redheaded Latina disabled people is inevitably how the lovely plays out.

I’ll tell you what patriotism is. Leaving people the fuck alone with your ideology. You conveniently refer to your ideology as “truth” rather than opinion to justify your intrusions. You spin into fits of apoplexy when religious and social groups do the exact same thing. Are you unable to see the similarity? Like most Americans, the roofs I accidentally ignited with my illegal fireworks were not selected based on demographic labels. And not my fault, since the Chinks really do make shitty fireworks. God Bless America. All its versions.