Photo Credit: Stephen Louis Marino

The ladies of UC Santa Cruz have reached their verdict. College boys are creepy, arrogant, and bad in bed. UCSC guys fail in all categories. They creep out female students with their awkward social mannerisms, they bore their dates with their self-centeredness, and frustrate their lovers with their inept penises.

“He gave me my first UTI. He stopped talking to me immediately afterward (he was dating somebody else)” -Allison, 19

Allison shows me a list on her iPhone. “I try to keep track of the guys I sleep with,” she tells me. The list has 16 names on it. “Literally, only one of these guys knew how to go down on me,” Allison continues, “That’s one of my biggest gripes against men, none of them know how to eat a girl out. I dated this guy for months; he was super inexperienced. He refused to perform oral, he finally tried for like 2 minutes and ran to the bathroom and washed his mouth out. He told me it was gross. We just went straight to bed after that. I don’t like confrontations.”

Allison asserts that most men also struggle with tasks that are much more elementary than eating pussy, such as maintaining conversations. “Guys here are just boring and mediocre,” she says, “the good majority of them are self-centered and egotistical. All guys want to do is talk about themselves or just ask me questions,” she continues. Allison thinks that college boy ineptitude boils down to basic laziness. “The average man sees that everything is about him. Men never bother to think about women. Unsurprisingly, they never learn about women.”

Allison came to Santa Cruz two years ago from a sexually repressed Catholic school environment in Southern California. Shortly after arriving at UCSC she matched with a tall attractive super senior named Austin. He was muscular, tattooed, and drove a motorcycle. They went out for coffee and really clicked. However, things went awry quickly: “the very next day he texted me and said I am not ready for a relationship.” Austin then changed his mind and met with Allison again. Predictably, he called her the next day and told her “I am sorry I can’t get into this.” “A few days later we met up and randomly hooked up,” Allison says. “He gave me my first UTI, and I couldn’t have sex for like two weeks. He immediately stopped talking to me; he later admitted that he met someone else,” she continues.

Photo Credit: Stephen Louis Marino

“I would rather date a boy with a coke problem than a sadness

problem” -Natalie, 20

“College boys always have a plan, and they are always conspiring,” Natalie tells me over coffee at Verve. She is a short girl with curly blonde hair and a gold nose ring. Her hands help narrate her fast-paced speech. I struggle to keep up with her. It’s Saturday morning, and I battle a sharp hangover. Natalie continues, “I live with a bunch of cis-gendered, hetero men from different backgrounds. The only thing that binds them together is their objectification of women.”

Natalie describes the term “college experience” as an “economic market system made for dudes.” “Most guys go to parties to find really drunk sloppy girls.” Natalie tells me that drunk guys usually approach “very dumb girls,” and adds that it is “socially acceptable to play stupid and ignore all their morals in college.” “It’s very funny to watch people waste tens of thousands of dollars on a social experience,” she says with a chuckle.

“Sad Boys” bother Natalie the most. “It sucks when intelligent people with normal brain chemistry choose to be depressed,” she says. Natalie concedes that she would “rather date a boy with a coke problem than a sadness problem.”

Photo Credit: Stephen Louis Marino

“I was Champagne Drunk and Vomited All Over the Car. We Still Fucked. He was Really Bad.” Veronica, 20

“Guys don’t care about anything except getting their dick wet. They think they are Gods until they cum in two and a half minutes.” -April, 21

Photo Credit: Stephen Louis Marino

“He definitely spends more time and resources on dyeing and maintaining his eyebrows than any female I know.” -Evanie, 20

My friend Evanie volunteers to share her experience almost immediately after I tell her about the article. “I would love to see my struggles go towards the public good,” she tells me.

Evanie sees her male housemate as the epitome of toxic masculinity. Her roomie hogs their shared bathroom, grooming himself meticulously and compulsively checking out his steroid enhanced physique in the bathroom mirror. “He definitely spends more time and resources on dyeing and maintaining his eyebrows than any female I know,” Evanie recounts with a sigh. She also touches upon his dating behaviors. “His system for getting laid seems to be capturing very emotionally damaged girls at Motiv (nightclub), bringing them home (at a rate of approximately five per week), and then ejecting them from our house at approximately 1 p.m the next day.

Evanie recognizes similar narcissistic behaviors in many of the college boys whom see interacts with on a day to day basis. “It’s a general theme that their sense of self-importance outweighs their actual positive contributions to female life.” She is unsure whether these traits apply to “college men in general or whether they are especially bad at UCSC.” “The boys here seem genuinely afraid to like anyone except for themselves” she concludes.

Photo Credit: Stephen Louis Marino

“They’ll say things like ‘your sexuality is a joke’ or ‘you just don’t want people to think you’re a slut, so you lie about your sexuality.’ Sometimes I get ‘you’re just a scared virgin who’s never gonna get laid.’” -Rebecca, 20

“Too many guys look so enticing and eclectic on the surface. Wearing beads and rings and sporting a man bun is a great tactic. But then I find out they’re from Orange County, voted for Hillary Clinton in the primaries, and have never left the country.” -Josie, 20

“My position is high enough that most guys won’t cross my boundaries. Dealing with creepy guys is easier because I have more power than they do.” -Tamra, 21 Vice President of Student Life, UC Santa Cruz Student Union

Photo Credit: Stephen Louis Marino

“I really don’t get why boys act like this. You have your hand. Go watch porn and jack off and don’t get it all over me!” -Sara, 19

I meet with Sara in McHenry Library. She is an attractive girl with curly black hair and olive skin.“I actually really thrive in this hookup culture,” Sara tells me, “Maybe I have commitment issues after moving 13 times as a child,” she says with a laugh.

Nevertheless, some aspects of college culture bother Sara. “There is an entitlement complex among the guys here; they just assume they deserve casual sex from drunk girls.”

Sara says this sense of entitlement extends down to people she has no intention of fucking. She recounts multiple stories of rejecting sexual advances from her platonic male friends. “There is this feeling that sex is just expected. It’s almost frightening when you deny them. There is this tedious art to refusing sex from someone. You have to strike this balance where you don’t embarrass them or hurt their fragile masculine ego. Worst of all, men only respect other men; the only excuse that can get me out of these awkward situations is to pretend I have a boyfriend,” she says. The “grab and kiss tactic is the worst,” Sara tells me, “they get all caught up in the moment, and I’m not into them at all! I really don’t get why boys act like this. You have your hand. Go watch porn and jack off and don’t get it all over me!”

“I prefer the overtly creepy guy to the quiet, brooding creep. At least the overt creep scares you right away; the quiet creep can trick you into thinking that he’s cool and you end up inviting him places,” Sara says. “I attract the wrong kind of guy. I even made up a whole persona to describe him. Let’s call him Dillon. Dillon orders food for you because he knows your taste, he always smells like cold brewed coffee and spends thousands of dollars on clothes to look homeless. He writes me these poems that he thinks are cute. He grinds on me at the party for 30 minutes but cums inside me after 30 seconds. This type of guy is way too common at UCSC,” Sara adds.

Sara recalls one last incident which she says summarizes the dating situation at UCSC. “I recently matched with this guy who goes to our school. We hung out a couple of times. He is a borderline frat boy, meaning he is really hot, but he isn’t in a frat. He lives off-campus in a nice house that mommy and daddy spend a lot of money paying for. He asked me what I wanted for dinner. I told him I didn’t care. Finally, after he badgered me, I asked him to make fish. We agreed on tilapia because he hates salmon. I watched him cook, and he obviously had no idea what he was doing. He just poured all the salt and all the spices into the pan and burned the Tilapia really badly. It tasted like I was biting into someone’s arm. I tried to eat, but I physically couldn’t swallow it. He couldn’t even eat it either. I tried to explain to him what he did wrong cooking the fish, and he flipped out. He regressed to a child. I told him I wouldn’t fuck him. Having sex with him would be surrendering to misogyny,” she tells me.

Sara sighs, “I never hung out him again. I was so angry. I wanted to burn that bitch’s house down, but I could never do as much damage as he did to that fish!”

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