CIGARETTES are a health boon, according to doctors.

Following a move to ban smoking on NHS premises, doctors announced that smoking is better for you than eating lots of fresh vegetables.

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “I’ve been a smoker for 20 years, and I’ve treated lots of smokers for illnesses that are in no way related to smoking, so I know all about this.

“Tobacco aids digestion, calms the mind and helps build strong muscles. I advise my patients to smoke whenever possible.”

Hospital doctors stressed that there was ‘”no fucking way” they were going to go off work premises to smoke cigarettes.

Heart specialist Roy Hobbs said: “Firstly, cigarettes are good for you, which is why pretty much all doctors smoke like World War I soldiers about to go over the top.

“Secondly standing in the rain to have a fag because your stupid boss has banned smoking shelters means you will get wet and then die of influenza.”

Doctors added that everything they used to say about smoking before the 1950s is accurate, and everything after that is bollocks.