Photo from NIMH

I’ve been pondering life again. (Always a dangerous endeavor.) I’ve noticed that I’m generally in an ironic situation around work, and have been for some time.

As a bipolar person, when I’m manic I am extraordinarily productive, and just generally sharp. I’ll work for a 15 hour stretch without losing my stride and will make few mistakes. I have the ability to juggle multiple projects with many details and complete them all quickly and to a high quality standard. I am more creative and artistic, with tremendous focus, drive, clarity, energy – you name it.

Applying this state of being to my artistic life, I feel like I learned forty-thousand new business skills, and become the best Executive Assistant anyone could imagine, for myself: I do my own Search Engine Optimization for Etsy listings management and my website; my own Social Media content generation, Marketing, Scheduling and Streamlining; I look after my own calendar management, which is actually a nightmare in inventory management while I make sure that my art and myself don’t have to be in two (or three) places at once; I have become adept at budgeting, though I do always cut things a little too close and need to learn to leave a buffer; I seek out resources to learn new artistic skills; I set myself an artist study schedule; I am the web technician and the customer service staff, transportation, shipping and receiving, catering, everything, and the central coordinator and management as well, of course.

I also have quite a lot of administrative and retail experience, including as an “official” Executive Assistant, and education in Music, Psychology and Training.

So, you would think that with all those skills and some notable experience to boot, I would be eminently employable in a financially and emotionally rewarding position.

My problem is, I’m not “reliable” in the traditional sense. I will always get the work done by a (reasonable) deadline, and it will always be of (probably obsessively) high quality, but I don’t look like a “normal” person in the way that I go about getting the job done, and this makes me not very comfortable or effective in traditional office environments.

See, I bounce around a bit when I am manic. I like to talk or listen to music while I work, for the energetic flow. I take on more lofty goals than seem manageable, and I work right up to the deadline. I wear really bright clothing. Other people find this energy distracting or tiring. Here’s the sort of mess I create as well, definitely a downside:

Accepting Impermanence in Progress Framing Soul Blossoms with Higgy’s help Eeeeep! Frame delivery.

On the other hand, when I’m depressed, I have panic attacks when I try to leave the house. This makes me not-very-punctual. I also am very, very, tired through these depressive periods and need 12-14 hours of sleep in one shot and a sufficient amount of daily natural light. My focus and concentration drops below anyone’s average (instead of exceptional), and honestly I just get a bit stupid because I’m easily overwhelmed and sore all over. This means that I need to take frequent breaks and work shorter hours. This usually happens in the winter.

“Compared to bipolar’s magic, reality seems a raw deal. It’s not just the boredom that makes recovery so difficult, it’s the slow dawning pain that comes with sanity – the realization of illnesss, the humiliating scenes, the blown money and friendships and confidence. Depression seems almost inevitable. The pendulum swings back from transcendence in shards, a bloody, dangerous mess. Crazy high is better than crazy low. So we gamble, dump the pills, and stick it to the control freaks and doctors. They don’t understand, we say. They just don’t get it. They’ll never be artists.”

― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

I have other weird limitations, too; I would happily work in a factory assembly environment, or a printshop, but the noise triggers psychotic episodes. I’d happily work in a warehouse, but they are mostly 12-hour shifts with no flexibility.

Basically I need a job where I have no defined hours at all (i.e. I could work a double shift one day and not come in the next), with defined objectives and deadlines, but little supervision or teamwork (because it is exhausting trying to explain how I work) in a quiet environment, that is intellectually and creatively stimulating and challenging, but not stressful. (Hah.)

I know for myself that the manic periods balance out with the depressive ones, but traditional working environments value consistency and a more narrow definition of reliability. So the reality is, that while I have more-than-the-average number of skills, and a varied range of experience, no one really wants me to work for them because I’ll take sick days when I’m not working 15-hour days, and I’ll be late every morning.

So the irony is that I’m brilliant (and I know it because I’ve been told it a few too many times), but brilliantly unemployable.

The saving grace is that I am really good at self-motivating and self-directing, so I can work for myself when I am doing well.

This is why I’m plugging along learning to make a living doing what I love; creating art and getting it out into the world. People expect artists to be a little – different. Not unreliable, but maybe a little erratic, eccentric, unpredictable.

That suits me just fine. I’m in good company, with Robin Williams and Stephen Fry.

OH….. and by the way, I significantly dropped ALL the prices at my Etsy shop! Maybe you can help me with this support-myself project. 😉

Yours,

Christine Shaheen

http://www.christineshaheen.me