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WASHINGTON, DC—Following the Republican sweep of the midterm elections yesterday, leaders across the nation have declared that the country is now fixed. “Everything is good now,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, who is set to become the Senate Majority Leader now that Congress and the rest of the United States government are all better. Voters elected GOP leaders for House, Senate, and Governor positions in various states, pushing Democrats out of power and causing citizens to wake up to a completely rehabilitated nation on Wednesday devoid of any problems, issues, or unrest. Further, according to political insiders, the country is no longer broken or on the wrong track and everyone is happy again. Sources added that international political leaders congratulated the United States on finally repairing all of its problems, creating a new path of peace and prosperity for the entire world. “It was a long time coming, but we can finally say that the USA is perfect again,” added McConnell. At press time, never mind.

This post was originally published on The Whiskey Journal