FOR THE WANDERER

‘We Are the 1 Percent’ Globe ($2,914)

Ever think to yourself, “there are just too many countries”? Well, then, this beautifully enameled, reclaimed, no-kill ivory globe is just for you. We removed any countries with a G.D.P. of less than $2 trillion, according to the World Bank, leaving the United States, China, Japan, Germany, Britain, France, Brazil, Italy and India. These countries have been arranged according to celebrity child consultant North West in a cute, minimalist neo-Pangaea land mass.

Human picture frame ($670-$1,890 plus annual food and water stipend)

A picture frame for people who don’t do picture frames. Hire this human adult man to hold your photos silently in front of his face. Comes in three practical sizes: tween, medium and Swedish.

PETD membership ($530,700 for one year)

Give the gift of a one-year membership to this up-and-coming association created to protect and advance the art of dreams. It’s very exclusive. There are very few members. There is only one member. I am the only member.

FOR THE FUN-LOVER

Real-Life Monopoly set (about $42,420,595)

Why still play old-fashioned board games with rinky-dink pieces and flimsy dollars? It’s 2015, for my-close-friend-Pete-Sampras’s sake! We’ve found an incredible option for the serious gamer: a real-life Monopoly set using real U.S. currency, houses and hotels. Each kit comes with thirty-two (32) actual, livable houses strewn across the Eastern Seaboard, each worth $200,000, and twelve (12) fully-functional hotels each worth $3,000,000. Price includes a beautiful locally sourced burlap sack with actual bills worth $20,580.

Floor-length jean shorts ($4,415)

As if jorts couldn’t get more stylish! A bit pricey, but you’re paying for the detail: The seamstresses who make these fashion essentials have painstakingly pulled out the seams of jorts to create an entirely new kind of pant, one that stretches down to the floor.

Twister With Gwyneth ($4,600)

I’ve put my own spin (pun intended!) on the classic contortion-based child’s game. Instead of a bunch of colored dots on a mat, my Twister is just one ecru dot in the middle of the tarp. It’s sleeker and has a gorgeous minimalist aesthetic. To play, you just stand in the middle of the mat and have your human picture frame read you a Basho haiku. So fun.

FOR THE SPLURGER

D.I.Y. novel set ($13,000)

These inspirational books will have you writing in no time. We’ve found a whole set of first-edition Jane Austen novels, ripped out all the pages, and replaced them with blank pages. You’ll feel her spirit in every line that you write.