Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) welterweight Nick Diaz does not like to start trouble.

No, seriously.

Having spent a night with him inside a Las Vegas nightclub, I can assure you the one thing he loves to do above all else is drink moderately and explain the complexities of life ... to anyone who will listen.

Just don’t look at him funny. In fact, better to not make any eye contact at all.

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I’m not sure why the unnamed thug decided he was big enough and bad enough to chase down the Stockton slugger, but as longtime funnyman Marlon Wayans told TMZ Sports, the story does not have a happy ending.

“I said ‘Brah, you fucking with the wrong dude.’ He goes ‘Fuck that, bro. You don’t know me. I’m gonna fuck [him up].’ Nick grabbed his ass ... Pop! Pop! Pop! Three elbows. Pop! Pop! Two knees. Fight was over. Blood everywhere. I just tapped the dude and said, ‘I told yo’ ass!’”

He should have brought his Bic rollerball.

Diaz was recently cleared to make his Octagon return, but will first have to enroll himself in the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) drug testing program, which will no doubt cause all sorts of problems like this.

Can’t we get him one of these instead?