Transference and projection

We instantly make assumptions about how people think, feel and react. We assume that they think certain things about us, or will react in a certain way when confronted with a particular situation. But if you ask the other person, it is often not true, they think totally different (often not so negative about you as you have thought…) or react much better than you would have thought. Unfortunately, making these assumptions and projections is something we all do on a daily basis. How to deal with projection will teach you more about yourself as well as others and will help you build healthy relationships.

Learning about your own defense-mechanisms can help you progress further in life. For example, your communication with others will become much better & constructive and good relationships will help you advance in life. The trick is to see through the guise of projection and to become aware of it.

Understanding defense mechanisms

There are different defense mechanisms that we use. Transference and projection are the most common ones. We use them unconsciously and on a daily basis.

Psychological transference

Psychological transference is the unconscious redirection of a relationship from the past to the here and now. You redirect the feelings you have about persons in your past to the persons in the present and repeat that relationship. It usually concerns feelings from a primary relationship during childhood, like the feelings you had towards your parents.

Psychological projection

Psychological projection is the process of attributing your own emotions, feelings and characteristics to others. You unconsciously place your own feelings in another person: you project the way they feel or how they think.

Mirroring your thoughts onto others

Both defense mechanisms occur in everyday life. You mistrust somebody that resembles someone from your past or a new person that reminds you of someone from your past. It can be either positive or negative. In the positive case you transfer or project positive emotions like attention, joy, safety. An example of negative transference is when you react strongly towards your manager: you never take me seriously! While he only had a small comment on your work. This strong reaction signals transference (for example a dominant father that was never happy with what you did).

When does it happen

Feelings of transference and projection are triggered by the familiarity of a person or a situation. For example, a person reminds you of someone in your family or a situation resembles a situation during your childhood. Unsafe situations and hierarchical relations can all trigger feelings of transference and projection.

How to recognize your own projection and transference

You can recognize your own transference or projection by the way you react to others.

If your reaction is very intense when you objectively look at the situation, for example intense irritation, disappointment or strong feelings of powerlessness, you are likely to engage in transference or projection. The stronger the projection or transference, the stronger the emotion.

Another sign of transference is when you repeat certain behavior and relationships. For example, you keep looking for confirmation in other people or you keep engaging in abusive relations.

How to deal with projection and transference

Here are 4 steps in dealing with these defense mechanisms.

1. Know yourself and your themes

Self-knowledge and self-awareness are very important for healthy relationships. Good relationships attribute to a better life and to your happiness. It makes you progress further in life. Getting to know your own transference and projection mechanisms through self-reflection is a first step in dealing with it. When you are conscious of your own transference and projections, you can prevent it from happening. Acceptance of yourself and your themes in transference play a crucial part in this.

2. Judgement

We judge situations, other people and ourselves in just one millisecond. That gives us ample time to really grasp what is really going on in the here and now. We see the world through our own disturbed lenses. We do this unconsciously. If you react strongly to a situation or a person stop and pause for a second. What is going on? Is the behavior you are exposing suitable for the here and now or does this come from your own projection and transference? Stop and think what made you react this way.

Stop and think about your emotions and reaction.

3. Analyze your emotions

Talking about your emotions and behavior with people you trust can really be eye-opening. Reflect on it yourself, talk about it with others, ask for feedback and confront yourself with your themes so you can deal with it. It gives you the best insights and can even neutralize your transference and projections.

4. Respect and accept others for who they are, as well as yourself

Respect means you should treat another person the way you want to be treated. It is the willingness to allow another human being to be whoever he/she is. That does not mean you have to approve everything, but it does mean you can acknowledge someone else for who he or she is.

Accept people for who they are and be empathetic to towards them. We all have our own demons from the past. The reason why somebody reacts strongly towards you might have to do with something completely different. It probably has nothing to do with you. Be the grown-up, be calm and give them feedback. Tell them what you see them doing in a calm, respectful manner. Respect them and react in an empathetic way. And treat yourself the same way.

Properly addressing transference can help you regain a healthy life, productive relationships and with that more success in your life.

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I empower clients to create the Life & Business they love. Angelique Buist – Life & Business Coach, Consultant, Executive Coach, Entrepreneur & Digital Marketer, Blogger on Personal Growth, Information Publisher.

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