"From here on out it is against the rules to use Rob Gronkowski." - Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports

Note: The below timeline is satire. It is not real, and not serious. Thank you and Happy New Year!

January 4th: The Patriots don’t play during Wildcard Weekend, having secured a first round bye. Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady notes, "We are just focused on winning the Super Bowl and heading into a quiet offseason as champions. We have no distractions, and won’t have any until that goal is accomplished."

January 10th: The Patriots defeat the Baltimore Ravens in a tense game, 35-31. Baltimore Ravens Head Coach John Harbaugh is incensed when the Patriots run several legal trick plays, calling it "uncouth, ungentlemanly, and lacking in athletic manliness."

January 17th: Patriots defeat the Colts 45-17 in the AFC Championship game. Before the game, Colts General Manager Ryan Grigson e-mails the league and accuses the Patriots of forcing him to trade a 1st round draft pick for Trent Richardson.

January 18th: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tweets that 11 of 12 Patriots footballs were exactly 2 pounds per square inch (PSI) below the league minimum in the AFC Championship game. He subsequently calls himself a "shoe-in" for the Pulitzer Prize in Journalism.

January 21st: NFL announces that its investigation into the alleged deflated footballs in the AFCCG will be completed "…in a few hours. Or, barring that, after a multi-million dollar investigation over several months."

January 22nd: 147 juvenile males nationwide are hospitalized with laughing-induced breathing trouble after Tom Brady says the word "balls" multiple times in his press conference. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell publicly apologizes, calling it ‘‘the worst safety issue in the history of football."

January 23rd: NFL announces that Ned Wells and NFL General Counsel Jeff Pash will head the independent investigation into the scandal now referred to as "Deflategate." Mark Brunell cries on television while offering his opinion that Tom Brady let a small amount of air out of some footballs.

January 24th: Bill Belichick explains his theory on the deflated footballs, referring to the Ideal Gas Law and the film ‘My Cousin Vinny.’ The NFL announces that the Ideal Gas Law "sounds made up," but agrees to hire Mona Lisa Vito as a legal advisor.

January 25th: NFL issues a correction on Deflategate, noting that the co-lead investigator’s name is "Ted," not "Ned." The league apologizes to Ted Wells for the confusion.

January 26th: Roger Goodell is hospitalized with laughing-induced breathing problems after Robert Kraft demands an apology for the Deflategate investigation.

February 1st: The NFL takes time off from its busy court schedule to organize a football game. The Patriots win 28-24 on a last-second end zone interception by Malcolm Butler. Patriots radio announcer Scott Zolak’s head explodes during the live broadcast.

February 28th: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen announces that after spending 18 hours on the phone with technical support, he’s unclear what Twitter is.

March 5th: Tom Brady meets with Deflategate investigators. ESPN reports that according to league sources, Brady "…refused to clarify his role in the Kennedy assassination."

March 15th: Mark Brunell cries on national television after someone tells him the ending to ‘Old Yeller.’

April 30th: Patriots select Texas Defensive Tackle Malcom Brown with the 32nd pick of the draft, the heir-apparent to Patriots legend Vince Wilfork. Colts General Manager Ryan Grigson sends an e-mail to the league accusing the Patriots of "hogging all the good players."

May 6th: Co-investigators Ted Wells and Jeff Pash release the results of their investigation into "Deflategate." They conclude that it is "more probable than not that Tom Brady is an NFL quarterback," and that Brady was "at least generally aware" that footballs have air in them.

May 11th: NFL Vice President of Operations Troy Vincent suspends Brady without pay for 4 games, and fines the Patriots $1 million dollars, a 2016 first-round draft pick, and a 2017 fourth-round draft pick, claiming that the Patriots footballs had "significant shrinkage."

June 23rd: Tom Brady appeals his suspension and testifies under oath. Commissioner Roger Goodell agrees to allow the group to order pizza for lunch "as long as I don’t see anyone eating it."

June 24th: NFL issues a correction on Deflategate, noting that "anyone can say anything even remotely true under oath," and that Brady "didn’t not deny" deflating footballs.

July 27th: NFL leaks report that in March, Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone, burned his car, and was caught by NFL security at the airport with tickets to the Cayman Islands and briefcase with over a million dollars in cash.

July 28th: Roger Goodell upholds Brady’s suspension, announcing that "Roger Goodell has heard the appeal of Roger Goodell’s decision, and affirms that Roger Goodell was fair, correct, and magnanimous. Roger Goodell appreciates Roger Goodell’s consideration of this matter, and thanks Roger Goodell for his time."

July 29th: The NFL releases the full decision upholding Brady’s suspension. The document accuses Brady of masterminding a scheme to deflate footballs, kidnap opposing players, shake down team owners, corner the artichoke market in New York City, illegally trade security derivitives, "usury," and "commit regicide."

July 30th: Mark Brunell cries on national television, telling the audience that it was "something that happened during recess."

August 1st: The NFL announces a new process to randomly test football air pressure during the 2015 season. After hours of deliberation, they agree that the best way to share the results will be anonymous leaks to Chris Mortensen.

August 4th: Chris Mortensen announces that he was able to delete his January Deflategate Tweet after upgrading from Netscape Navigator. He nevertheless stands by the Tweet, arguing "It’s a fact that there were footballs."

August 12th through 31st: Attorneys representing Tom Brady and the NFL argue their cases in front of Federal Judge Richard M. Berman in New York City. The NFL responds to all the Judge’s questions with, "Because Roger said so." Roger Goodell is reported to be very confident in victory.

September 4th: Judge Richard Berman overturns Tom Brady’s suspension, allowing him to play immediately. The NFL releases a statement saying it will appeal and that "The Collective Bargaining Agreement gives Roger clear authority over Federal judges, politicians, and the laws of physics."

September 8th: ESPN releases a story detailing what it claims are years of cheating by the New England Patriots, as told by over 50 anonymous sources. ESPN stands by the credibility of the story, noting that "anonymous sources have never given us bad information."

September 11th: The Patriots defeat the Steelers in the first game of the season. Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin accuses the Patriots of cheating, claiming that they had advanced knowledge of a brand new Steelers defensive package, "Cover Zero Gronkowskis."

September 20th: The Patriots defeat the Buffalo Bills 40-32. The game is marred by officiating controversies, including a referee blowing a whistle in the middle of a play, and another referee ending the game early. In response, the NFL assures both teams that it is investing more money in its Deflategate Appeal.

October 17th: Before their game against the visiting Patriots, the Indianapolis Colts raise a new banner in Lucas Oil Stadium reading, "2015 Pre-season Super Bowl favorites."

October 18th: The Patriots defeat the Indianapolis Colts 34-27. The Colts run a trick 4th down play in which a single player takes the field and offers the ball to the Patriots.

"That was a planned play," said Coach Chuck Pagano after the game. "We felt we could take them by surprise if we turned the ball over to them when they didn't expect it. 4th down in our own territory was a perfect scenario for a surprise turnover. It was a good play."

October 25th: The Patriots defeat the New York Jets 30-23. It is later reported that NFL personnel swept the Jets’ locker room for bugs prior to the game, but that "the only bugs we found were a couple of ants and mosquitos."

October 26th: ESPN runs headline, "Multiple bugs found in Jets’ locker room at Gillette."

October 29th: The Patriots defeat the Miami Dolphins 36-7 when the Dolphins assign their starting defensive squad to guard their equipment instead of playing.

"We heard they had a scheme to switch our cold Gatorade with warm Powerade. I wasn’t going to let that happen," said Dolphins General Manager Mike Tannenbaum.

November 8th: The Patriots defeat the Washington Redskins 27-10, but lose breakout star running back Dion Lewis for the season. The broadcast ends awkwardly when CBS assigns the post-game show to recent Harvard graduate Barrett Harrington, who gave this now infamous analysis:

"When the Native Peoples offense finally got into Patriots territory -- I mean, not that it was the Patriots' territory. It was the Native People's territory first, right? They had a right to be there, is what I'm saying. They weren't doing anything wrong. I didn't mean to imply they were doing anything wrong.You know I would never say that, right?"

Harrington then spent the next two minutes on camera looking at his phone, checking if he had provoked any Twitter outrage.

November 29th: New England suffers its first loss of the season at Denver, another game marred by questionable officiating and special teams miscues by the Patriots. The NFL vigorously defends its referees, stating that "…almost none of the officials left early."

December 6th: The Patriots lose their second game in a row, 35-28 to the Philadelphia Eagles. After the game, Bill Belichick says of opposing Coach Chip Kelly, "They had a hell of a game plan. That guy is going to be coaching there for a long time."

December 13th: The Patriots defeat the Houston Texans 27-6, ending their two game losing streak. Bill Belichick suggests the NFL implement sideline cameras after a spectacular catch by running back James White is overturned.

December 14th: Roger Goodell rejects the suggestion of sideline cameras. "Coaches and players are always demanding new things," Goodell complains. "Sideline cameras. Goal line cameras. Referees who know the rules. The league can’t afford that kind of luxury. We’re on a fixed income here."

Goodell paused to blow his nose into a $100 bill, and then continued. "Next they’re going to tell me that I have to abide by the –"he paused and made air quotes, "CBA."

December 24th: Mark Brunell cries on live television after watching ‘Home Alone,’ explaining, "It was the old guy. He got to me."

December 26th: An Al-Jazeera report accuses Peyton Manning of using Human Growth Hormone (HGH) in 2011. The same report accuses Ryan Grigson of using HGMH – Horrible General Manager Hormone.

December 27th: ESPN runs a story on the Peyton Manning accusation with the headline, "Third-world news company lies about NFL legend and fine American."

December 28th: The NFL is required to re-file its 2nd Deflategate Appeal brief after it is filed with the wrong color cover. NFL lawyers argue that they were given no notice of color requirements and that the law only allows for a small fine anyway.

December 29th: The Patriots hold a job fair after a rash of injuries leave them thin prior to their Week 17 game against the Dolphins. Former NFL receiver Terrell Owens shows up with a collection of wigs and submits seven applications.

December 30th: "Dorito Dink" is #2 on the list of Most Popular Baby Names for Boys in 2015.

December 31st: The NFL rings in 2016 by releasing ‘Deflator,’ a dramatic motion picture about the dangers of improperly inflated footballs. The league demands that theaters screen it instead of ‘Concussion,’ the Will Smith film about the discovery and subsequent cover-up by the NFL of research suggesting significant long-term health effects from concussions.