I’ve Found Love as a Single Mother By Choice

A Personal Story of Constructing A Family That I’ve Always Wanted.

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Raised in a conventional household with a mom, a dad, and a sibling, I always thought of love as something that I must find. In my 20s, everyone seemed to be looking for a boyfriend. I put makeup on myself and put my best foot forward for men who were not the best fit for me. Occasionally, I came across men who seemed to be a good fit, but they were already in a relationship with someone else.

I was impatient. I wanted some kind of resolution. I didn’t enjoy dating.

My most successful relationships were with people who started out as my friends. We shared interests. We were passionate about each other. We were passionate about our shared work as well. Spending 12 to 14 hours at work meant that my work was a huge priority in my life. Anyone who didn’t understand that was not a good fit.

I spent many years ending relationships with men who were either too toxic or men who were not right for me.

After a while, in my mid-30s, I finally realized that maybe I am built differently. I am the kind of person who MUST work to feel fulfillment. My creative energy and analytical energy need more outlets than most people. I have to spend time creating otherwise I will feel stuck. On my free time, I prefer to pursue my interests instead of carrying on casual conversations in coffee shops. I never enjoyed dating anyone who didn’t share my interests.

At some point, I felt that I had less than 10% of a chance of actually finding the right person before I turned 40 years old.

This is when I started to think about unconventional methods for starting a family.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. Motherhood is “the one” milestone that I didn’t want to miss out on. In some ways, I am made to be a mother: my compassionate nature, my devotion, and my empathy. With my childhood traumas, I am eager to be a “good” mother to my son to validate my own healing as well as to end the cycle of trauma.

After spending two years investigating all the options, I decided to start a family as a single mother using donor sperm. Although Single Mother by Choice is very common now in the United States, it is still a practice that many find offensive.

The idea that one person can start a family seems to be in violation of the concept of Adam and Eve. At every turn, I encountered people who questioned my choice.

Do you have family support for your child?

Who will be your son’s male role model?

I get it. Most of the time, people have great intentions. They wanted to make sure that I thought through this decision. I was prepared to make sacrifices.

It is a difficult road ahead.

Those kinds of comments I appreciated. I was grateful to be able to talk through my decision with these friends.

However, there were also people who were not kind. My existence offends their community in some way. Our family’s success violated their notion of love and family. Although I try not to think about the comments from these people, the comments still linger in the back of my mind.

Single motherhood is hard without another parent to offset your workload.

However, the love that flows within my family seems to be endless. In my childhood, I had both parents. But, due to both circumstances and inadequate parenting, I was love-starved. As a single mom, I often think my son receives 50% of the love that he needs. But, actually, he receives the full 100% of the love that he needs.

As a single mother, I was skeptical. I felt insecure about my own decision to start a family.

Lately, I increasingly realize that I made the right decision.

Love is not something that you find.

Love is something that you cultivate.

Love is something that you grow.

Love has many faces: romantic love, parent-child love, friendship love, man-kind love.

For me, the parent-child love between my son and I renewed my faith in all kind of love relationships. This relationship is teaching me how to love.

Love is when you give someone the maximum freedom to grow into themselves while balancing your own needs.

It is a process that allows everyone in the relationship to attain greater self-actualization.

It should not restrict people.

It should not bound people to one another.

It should not induce guilt and shame in people.

For me, being a Single Mother by Choice is just another step forward in fulfilling my own destiny. Through this process, I am cultivating my garden of love. I am growing my love each day. One day, if I am lucky, this love will extend its tentacles to reach other aspects of my life to include a partner and other friends.