Don Pemberton ’14 confessed yesterday that he often imagines what it would be like to defend white people from racism as a black woman, thus demonstrating the good intentions of whites everywhere and convincing other black people to seriously re-examine their own lives.

“I can’t count the number of times a well-meaning white guy like me has been baselessly accused of racist or sexist behavior,” said Pemberton. “And no one listens to me when I point out how unfair that is, because I’m white. I only wish I were a black woman who could set these people straight.”

Pemberton said he often constructs elaborate scenarios in his head where, as one of the few minorities who recognizes that America has transcended old racial divides, he stands up for beleaguered whites everywhere. “We need to take a long, hard look in the mirror,” said Pemberton, speaking to his African-American peers in one of his fantasies. “In harping on issues of race, have we become the truly racist ones? Think about it.”

“It’s like Martin Luther King said: we shouldn’t judge people based on the color of skin,” continued Pemberton, in his head. “Honestly, it seems like the people violating his legacy are mostly us: black people. And I’m allowed to say that.”

“We’ve really learned a lot from her,” said Mark Wardwell ‘15, a previously belligerent black man concocted in Pemberton’s imagination. “We weren’t ready to hear this coming from a white man; we would have unfairly assumed that he was racist, just because of what he looked like. I wish there were more black woman out there like Chantel.” Chantel, Pemberton confirmed, is his first name in his fantasies.

“She was right all along,” said Pemberton figment Susan Li ’14. “Affirmative action hurts minorities the most. And to think—we needed a black woman to teach us this.”

Pemberton went on to describe his other fantasies, including one where he points out to his black friends that without whites, they wouldn’t even have the internet that allows them to spew their hateful vitriol, and another where he convinces a roomful of angry minorities that we’re all just humans, at the end of the day.

“But alas, they are just fantasies,” said Pemberton. “I can only hope that my children will grow up in a world where whites are no longer hounded by minorities calling them racists. Until then, I can only emulate my hero Martin Luther King: I can dream.”

As of press time, Pemberton was registering the username queenbey47 and getting set to dive into some race-related sub-Reddits.