Music Snob EMT Can’t Decide Which Song to Set Chest Compressions To

ATLANTA — Emergency Medical Technician Avery Jamison searched through his Spotify playlist for several minutes yesterday before administering chest compressions to a civilian going through cardiac arrest, concerned onlookers reported.

“I’m sorry, but last I checked it was my job to help people… and the best way I can do that is introducing them to some new music they will most certainly love,” said Jamison, a self-proclaimed audiophile and recently certified EMT. “In school they teach you to set the rhythm of chest compressions to ‘Stayin’ Alive,’ which is apparently what everyone does. But I know if I came back to life and someone was singing that shitty song at me, I’d wish I stayed dead.”

Allegedly, this is not the first resuscitation Jamison delayed to try to find a track with 100 beats per minute that also “fits the general vibe” of the incident site.

“We’ve had a few close calls before, but now it’s really gotten out of hand,” shared Crystal Miranda, Jamison’s coworker with MetroAtlanta Ambulance. “He overheard me singing ‘Dancing Queen’ under my breath when I was performing CPR once and shouted the lyrics to ‘Braineaters’ by Misfits over me. He said he couldn’t stand my ‘Top 40 bullshit.’ It was really fucking up my rhythm.”

Indeed, many critics and other medical professionals suggest that tailoring healthcare that specifically is completely unnecessary.

“When you’re part of an emergency response team, you don’t really have time to waste,” explained Samuel Ferris, Chief of Atlanta Fire and Emergency Services. “Do I love that one of my team members is not only breaking protocol, but also using that precious time to blast some bullshit Propagandhi song from the ambulance PA system? Of fucking course not; the system isn’t even set up for that. I think he just holds the radio transmitter up to his phone so everyone can hear it at the same time. It’s fucking unprofessional.”

Though the team was unable to resuscitate the patient at the scene, Jamison has reportedly offered his services to the family should they need a DJ for the memorial.

Photo by Jack Bravstein.