COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—Wincing at the declaration as he stood backstage at a campaign rally Thursday, former Republican senator Rick Santorum admitted that he was slightly embarrassed for the man who had just introduced him as the next president of the United States. “Oh, God, did I just hear that right?” Santorum reportedly said, later adding that he was okay with being described as a “true American” and a “man who deeply loves this country,” but that it would have been better if the description had just stopped there. “It’d be one thing if he said it to me in private, but this was in front of, like, 300 people, not to mention the dozen or so TV crews that got it on tape. This is so humiliating.” Santorum reportedly grew even more mortified while walking out onstage as the audio tech cued up “Hail To The Chief.”

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