My differences and reservations and concerns were few, and I dismissed these things, I put them on a shelf and ignored them. I gained my testimony like so many others that I have heard about, you pray and pray and read and read until at some point you feel like the answer comes in a moment when everything feels right, feels good, and you feel of an impression that translates in your mind toor something of the sort. This came to me at BYU-I (then Ricks College) while I was reading the Book of Mormon (BoM), I would do this many times a week for 30-60 mins at a time, I did this because I was trying to figure out if the church was true because I felt the pressure to serve a mission and I needed some kind of confirmation to feel good about going. This impression was not overwhelming but it felt good, and the church had always taught me that this was God’s spirit confirming truth to us. (Now I realize how over-simplified this idea is in light of the human experience.) In the decades that followed I chose to attribute good feelings that were in harmony with the church doctrine to a confirmation from God of the truthfulness of the church, and the lack of good feelings about a church policy, position, or doctrine to the fact that I lacked faith and/or the confirmation would come in the future. Bad feelings about church doctrine or positions I pushed aside and ignored… why?It was all I had ever been taught to seriously consider.

and that one day, millions of years from now, we could grow and progress to the point where we could create worlds. I still believe that today, although not in the same way that the LDS church teaches it. I have no idea if this is actually true (there is little that I KNOW about God or the afterlife), but it is a beautiful idea with no way to know one way or the other and so I believe. I loved the idea of eternal families. I loved almost all the intricacies and details of the doctrine and the scriptures.(with the one qualification in knowing that there were some errors in the Bible – this is what the church teaches and I really didn’t know where the errors might be, or how many, or how significant but for some reason it really didn’t matter). I felt good when I read the scriptures when they spoke of amazing stories, faithful heroic figures, and God’s love; however I struggled with the scriptures when they spoke of the anger, wrath, judgement and condemnation of God for those who sin. This always made me uncomfortable. I knew I was a sinner. I never knew for certain that my repentance was enough. I was always acutely aware that my natural state was an enemy to God (I had been taught this from my youth), and I was aware that my natural state, my natural man, was what I was most of the time, even though I did my best to be good.I never felt that, and I wondered why; I was always chasing a desire to feel good enough, even as I did feel good about the service I gave to other people. Through my good works I chased this desire to feel good enough my whole life. I accepted every calling (primary teacher, young men’s president, ward missionary, elders quorum president, bishopric counselor, and so on), I did my best at them, I fasted, prayed, read scriptures, had family home evening, served a mission, got married in the temple, paid my tithing, did my home teaching, helped people move, went to the temple, setup chairs, took chairs down, cleaned the building, and so on. Don’t misunderstand, I didn’t do any of these things perfectly. Some I did great with whole heart, some I just did, and some I did as best I could which varied from year to year. I also made some big mistakes along the way which I did my best to fix.

. It was all “anti” and full of lies and misinformation and rumor, and they always warned that it would damage my faith. I didn’t want to damage my faith. I wanted to see my father again (he passed away when I was 11). I believed that if I didn’t stay faithful and be a good Mormon that I would not make it to the Celestial kingdom and that I would never see him again. Until I was about 38 years old I never felt like I was doing good enough to get into the Celestial kingdom and that was always a burden in my soul. At this point in life I started to believe more on the grace of Christ rather than my own works (I was hungry to find peace and feel good enough) and I thought the balance the church struck between preaching saved by grace, and saved by works was off balance. This did not make me think the church was not true, just not perfect in the nuance of how the doctrine was taught at the local level.. I always carried with me a worry that my kids would grow up feeling the burden of near-perfection that I always had, and the rigidness of the pre-defined Mormon life (only date Mormons, seminary during high school, mission after HS, then BYU, married in the temple, accept every calling, and so on). The feeling of never being good enough, even though we were good people.

When my son came to me with his disbelief,, but I wanted to be able to talkmy son about these things, not just talkhim and tell him the meaningless answers of(not knowing what he was reading), or(when having faith would be denying or ignoring facts). I wasn’t going to do that to him. I knew how isolating that would feel and I worried about his emotional state and our relationship should I invalidate him that way. So, which were: women’s place in the church, blacks being denied the priesthood, church leaders getting paid, and trusting the feelings of the spirit.. I was a grown man with 40 years of good spiritual experiences behind my testimony of the church. I figured that if my 40 year-long testimony couldn’t hold up against some troubling facts then it wasn’t what I thought it was, or what the church taught me it was. We are taught that nothing is more convincing than the whisperings of the Holy Spirit which was what our testimonies are built from; even stronger than an angelic witness is what we have always been taught. So then, what did I have to worry about in looking into my son’s concerns?

, the lies the church had told, the information they had allowed to be kept from members like me, falsehoods that I believed my whole life. Still, I searched more, I went to the church official essays and FAIRMormon to find the best pro-Mormon answers I could find.. Their answers were insufficient and what surprised me also is that they did not (in almost all cases) deny the problem. They simply tried to provide a rationale which did not hold up for me. It sounded like spin to me, and the essays of the church read like careful wordsmithing which skirted the core issues and gave no real answers while continuing to obscure the main facts. The number of issues with the truth claims of the church was shocking. I felt multiple simultaneous overwhelming emotions for quite some time.– I was deeply hurt that the church would deceive me as they had;– how could I live for 40 years and not know any of this stuff, how could I have heard rumblings of these things and never had the courage to look into them, how could I just dismiss them so quickly, I felt like a fool;– I became afraid of what this was going to mean to my relationships, most importantly my wife, then my kids, then my extended family, then my friends. I feared that most of them would see me as I had always seen others who had stopped believing in the “One true church.” I would be counted as fallen, deceived, an apostate, and even potentially an enemy. I had seen it before as I sat in bishopric meetings, ward councils, and PEC meetings talking about the “threat” that certain members (good men and women) were to the ward now that they were non-believing apostates. Now this was me and I was scared.

But I now knew what was stronger and more convincing than the perceived whisperings of the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. Facts. Truth.

Although the two may have a relationship, they are not the same. The former is common, the latter is not, and to mistake the one for the other is to deceive oneself. I could now see this clearly whereas before I could not. The church taught me they were virtually the same and now that I am thinking more clearly, I understand that they are not. It has been wonderful to listen with an open and clear mind to many thoughtful voices ( REFERENCE ) and it has been rewarding to realize that Idistinguish between well-founded claims through facts and dubious claims rooted in biased option, and I do not need to fear conversation as I had been taught.

. Don’t tell anyone and live as if I still believed and keep this to myself. Basically, live a lie. This would spare my wife and my marriage the stress of all that would come between us when she learned I no longer believed in the truth claims of the church. If I did this I worried I would be betraying my son who was brave enough to admit to me and his mother that he didn’t believe in the church, but I would not be brave enough to be as honest as him. I also knew this option would likely not be sustainable and eventually I would hate myself for not being true to what my conscience was telling me, what I believed to be right. The other option was to tell my wife and disappoint her deeply, risk losing my marriage and never having a happy wife. But I would hopefully be able to live with a clear conscience that I was being honest with myself and living true to what I believed was right, even if I lost the respect of people I loved. I did not know what this would do to my other children and still don’t, they do not know yet, but at some point I must tell them the basic truth that I do not believe the truth claims of the church anymore, otherwise I will feel like I am being dishonest with them, I already do, and that is not being a good father.

I know that not all my life’s problems are because of the church, many I have no one to blame but myself. But the fact that I have believed a theology my whole life and have taught my children this theology all the while critical issues and lies lay hidden from me is a position the church has put me in by not telling me the truth about many core and critical things that are foundational and essential to the validity of the church’s claims of being the one true church.

I am being honest (to anyone that asks to hear) about what I believe and what I feel is right. I know I will be able to live with myself in the years ahead, even if that means I lose love and respect and friendships. I do not need anyone else to stop believing in the church. I only need those in my life to find peace in my living according to my own conscience and not think I am simply deceived or fallen or a threat and thereby look down on me for doing what I think is right. That is my hope.

. This didn't come easy... depressive suicidal thoughts and feelings is a high cost to break the dependence I had on Mormon authority. For months I have been asking myself so many questions that I have never had the liberty to think through before on my own. Do I believe that these 15 men are prophets, seers, and revelators? Do I believe that they have “the absolute truth?” I wanted the answer to be yes. I wanted there to be reasonable answers to all the problems with these claims.I have loved the Mormon theology my whole life (despite my mistakes at times when trying to live it). The idea that everything I have based my understanding of the universe on for 40+ years might crumble under clear thinking is very sad to me, but

In asking, are these men prophets, I have asked...There is evidence both ways for Joseph Smith (JS), in all that I have read it seems one can believe whatever one wants on this issue, there are many “prophesies” (the term is vague in my mind) that did not come true and some that did. There was no smoking gun in my research on this subjectone argues thatof a true prophets prophecies should come true (a very reasonable argument in my mind, unless God is toying with us, and this is consistent with), in which case JS fails the test. I don't come up with any significant prophecies after JS to evaluate (although much of what Brigham Young prophesied or taught is deeply troubling and did not prove true), nor do I feel it is critical to do so. However, recent suggestions might be:- hardly groundbreaking information, most of the modern world has believed in the importance of the traditional family for thousands of years.- just a reaffirmation of the main point of the New Testament.- reaffirmation of morality standards that are eroding over time.- saying we are going to build a lot of buildings?- micro-financing has been around for a long time, and this is just a program of the church, like building temples, I don't see this as prophecy, but I was trying to find examples, but none of these are convincing to me that these prophets and seers are seeing the future in any substantial way that most other people do not.

Honestly, the fact that they get paid doesn’t really bother me (although the Bible teaches that they shouldn’t), what bothers me is that I spent my life knowing (because I had been taught it at church countless times) that our church leaders do not get paid. I taught it on my mission every day. I taught my non-member friends this falsehood, I taught my children this lie. That is why this bothers me.

Why do they, who are supposed to be God’s mouth pieces to the world, not speak directly and clearly to clear up this confusion? Why do the members not clearly know when these men are speaking for God and when they are speaking as men? Why the guesswork after the fact?

The first thing I discovered and was shocked to learn is thatThe papyri have nothing to do with Abraham, and was NOT written by Abraham as JS said. It is a common funeral document of which we have hundreds of similar artifacts. The church now implies, in the essay on the Book of Abraham ( REFERENCE ), that the word translate may not mean translate, which is not what they have taught for 150 years, nor is it what JS himself said, and it seems like spin. I was also surprised to learn about JS claiming the authenticity of the Kinderhook plates ( REFERENCE ) and translating them only to later have the plates discovered and proven as a fraud.and the issues with the BoM are vast as I’ll discuss more.

I am confused by the claim that the BoM has the fullness of the gospel and yet it says nothing about endowments, or washing, or anointing, or 2anointing ( REFERENCE ), or the degrees of glory, or sealings, or the pre-mortal.

As I read through the changes to the BoM over the years (numbering in the thousands, and I did not read every single one but I read many) and. The church claims this was to clarify meaning… perhaps, but why the need if the BoM isRemoval of words from Alma 29:4 which originally stated that these words of God should not be altered (although later these were put back in) seems very suspicious. And the original version revealed the name of Jesus in 1 Nephi (which was removed) even though 2 Nephi states that his name first was revealed then. The original had King Benjamin doing things after his death and this was changed to King Mosiah once it was discovered. JS stated in history of the church that “we heard a voice from out of the bright light above us, saying,(History of the Church, by Joseph Smith, Vol. 1, pp. 54-55) so

Martin Harris (and others that gave this same testimony) explained how the translation couldhave included any errors, God did not allow it, he saidHow could have the error about King Benjamin vs. King Mosiah gotten in there if this was true? According to JS and Martin Harris, God would have not allowed the translation to continue till it was correct. Later the church stopped making the claim that the exact words were given to JS because the number of grammatical errors were simply too numerous to believe that (although that is what JS claimed himself). [Andrew Jenson, ed., “The Three Witnesses,” Historical Record 6 (May 1887):216-217)]

There are word errors in the BoM that strongly suggest JS sourced the words from the Bible not God – Thewords which should not be there, they were added by scribes hundreds of years after the books were authored. The use of Cherubims (which is Hebrew) in the original version of the BoM is an incorrect usage in the addition of theto make it plural (which the Bible also does in error which JS could have picked up, but God wouldn’t make this error). This same problem is true with the Hebrew word Seraphims in the BoM. The most likely explanation is that JS used the KJV of the bible as source material in the bringing forth of the BoM, either through memory or direct sourcing, or both.

Adieu is French. Why would God use a non-English word when giving an English translation? Some suggest that God would do this because its meaning fits the context of the sentence. It does, but why wouldn’t God just use the equivalent English words since he is indeed providing an English translation. I suppose we will never know. It’s a small thing, but seems strange and doesn’t really make sense.

There are inconsistencies everywhere, I could go on and on, there is MUCH more to discuss regarding problems with the BoM ( REFERENCE )). I asked a dear friend (who is in his 6th year as bishop and who is the closest thing to an intellectual I personally know) about the translation of the book of Abraham not being correct. His response was - yeah it makes no sense but that's why we have to have faith. He went on to mention how the Golden Plates were not used for the BoM ( REFERENCE ) translation either (something the church mislead members about for over 100 years) and he imagines that if someone got their hands on them and re-translated them that it would not read like the BoM, and I thought...How does that make sense?We preach that REFERENCE ) and yet think that God would have his prophet bear true fruit that by modern investigation makes them look like frauds? If that's true then God is just toying with us. That would be terribly unfair given how the odds are already stacked so heavily against us in mortality in making sense of this experience.

I have reflected recently on many conversations with non-LDS Christian friends about eternal families and what is odd to me is that we teach that, if not sealed in the temple, families and loved ones will not, or may not, be together, and yet many other faiths do not believe this. They believe that we will be together in heaven, maybe not as husband and wife, they often do not know, but all as free individuals with free association with one another. So it feels like we are the religion that holds hostage the ability to be with loved ones after we die on conditions of the temple. And I ask myself, if heaven is really heaven, why would we not have the freedom of free association there like we do here?It doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't sound like a kingdom of glory if we have less freedom there than we have here on this earth to be with people we like and love.

I think about how we preach of the kingdoms of glory, and how there is a limit to the progression you can make in all but the highest kingdom. So let's say you go to the Telestial or Terestrial, and you are able to progress a lot, perhaps a million years’ worth, but at some point, you’re stopped. No more progression. Now for the rest of ETERNITY you are stuck, no more progression. Well, for all intents and purposes... you're now damned.

Also... outer darkness... sons of perdition... it occurred to me recently that in my opinion. Not even Hitler, or Mao, or Pol Pot, or Stalin, or Judas, or anyone... these were TERRIBLE humans, but not even their crimes can possibly justify punishment for ETERNITY! Do you know how long eternity is?!

I am a loving father, but infinitely less so than Heavenly Father is supposed to be, and I even love my kids enough not to teach them through fear and threats of violence and damnation. I am done with that kind of God. I had another epiphany recently wherein I was pondering about the doctrine where Christ says that “Salvation is free” and it occurred to me that just as we claim that death has come into the world through no fault of our own and we are doomed to die and therefore the resurrection is given to us freely, SO TOO sin has come into the world by virtue of the fall and we are all doomed to sin, there is NO WAY to avoid it, so while the specific sins are specific to us,So it makes perfect sense to me that God himself would make a way for our escape from sin just as he does death.

I believe we are simply wrong when we behave as though we have to earn our salvation through our good works, our worthiness (and this is deeply embedded in Mormon culture and doctrine). We talk of the Atonement, but we live as if salvation rest heavily on us, and it will come down to our worthiness.. And our hyper-focus on worthiness and righteousness is just a recipe for self-righteousness, chronic guilt, judgement of others, pride, self-alienation from others, condescending attitudes, and self-abuse and self-hatred. And we wonder why Utah has the highest rate of antidepressant use in the nation (twice the national average ( REFERENCE ), other article ( REFERENCE )), and a high level of suicide (5highest in the nation ( REFERENCE )). IF we know the most about the love and goodness and mercy of God and his plan of happiness for us that is supposed to bring joy to our hearts, then shouldn’t our rate of suicide and depression be one of the lowest? What are we not understanding?

He is all-knowing! So it’s totally illogical to say that God is disappointed in us when he knew and has always know exactly what we will do. To be disappointed means that he was expecting or hoping that we would do something different. That makes no sense any yet it is taught all the time.

We say that God is no respecter of persons, meaning plays no favorites –Mormons or the Israelites? That has never made sense to me. Why does God send angels to intervene with some that are going astray (Saul/Paul, Laman/Lemuel) and not others but kills them instead (Laban)? Do we really believe that God ordered the mass slaughter of men, women, and children in the Old Testament (Canaanites)? I don’t.

The bible says if any man lacks wisdom that he should ask of God that giveth to all men liberally (James 1:5), and yetHow many millions of people are praying, vocally or in their hearts, day in and day out to understand and make sense of this world and the problems therein and they get no clear guidance? And those he seems to give some direction to he is giving vastly different “wisdom” to and sending us in countless different directions, because almost everyone is asking God for direction, seeking wisdom, truth, knowledge, and yet everyone is going in different directions.

The brethren teach that a testimony is found in the bearing of one ( REFERENCE ). To stand and testify even if you are unsure and therein the Spirit will witness of the truthfulness of what you are saying.We teach our children to stand and bear witness to things they cannot possibly know, they mimic us sayingandthey receive anfrom hundreds of adults and praise for their testimony (which is meaningless and based on nothing but repeating words from their parents) andover time they will associate this with a sense of accomplishment and praise and good feelings (i.e. the Spirit). It is scary to get up in front of a crowd and speak but you do it and those nervous feelings are rewarded by praise of your parents, teachers, and self-satisfaction that you did it! Of course it feels like a witness.

My stake president (after not being able to answer any of these concerns, in fact he had never even heard of any of these things I am discussing here) didHe told me he always feels the Spirit when he gives a priesthood blessing. I am sure he does. He is doing something he believes to be kind and good and serving to another person; why wouldn’t that feel good? He feels good (and counts it as a spiritual witness) just as thewho denies the divinity of Jesus also feels good confirming feelings of that “truth”, just as thewho preaches that Mormonism is a cult and feels confirming good feelings of that “truth”, just as thewho denies herself a family in the name of God and feels good and holy in that “truth”, just as thefeels good teaching his “truth” that there is only one true prophet and his name is Mohammed.. I also felt genuinely good giving priesthood blessings, but I also never clearly received words or inspiration on what to say, but because I wanted to demonstrate faith I always assumed my words were inspired of the Spirit but I have no evidence that they were. I always attributed this lack of clear inspiration to my lacking and it was another reason I felt bad about myself. Although I was often doing everything I could to live faithfully so that I might get revelation. At times of my greatest most desperate need when I prayed for guidance, answers, clarity, wisdom, when critical life choices depended on me knowing more, understanding more… I got none, and wondered why Laman and Lemuel (wicked guys) got an angel visit.

The stake president has stewardship and powers ofover 10 congregations, 10 other bishops, roughly 3000 people, and he had never heard of these issues, had no insight to offer, and in fact asked me,regarding there being no evidence that the BoM was true (other than people’s impression of ‘the spirit’) but much evidence that it wasn’t.It especially matters when that claim of truth is the basis for divine authority of judgement of a man’s soul, of his worthiness, of his standing before God, his righteousness to be with his wife through eternity! It matters when dependence is created on the doctrine of these claims. It matters because there are countless obligations of how one should or shouldn’t live their life, and with that burden comes countless ways we feel guilt, shame, and it defines the degree to which we are disappointing or making proud God almighty! It matters because the church asks for thousands of dollars from people’s paychecks, countless hours of service, and obedience to leaders. It matters because the church asks young men to spend years of their life preaching this as the one truth on earth, to postpone schooling and careers in order to do so.It matters because once people find out these things later in life they have a traumatic faith crisis. Instead of having a healthy evaluation of their faith in their youth with all the facts at a time when they are independent and can find the balance of beliefs that they will be comfortable with, they stumble upon these things later in life when spouses and children are now dependent upon them and have in turn trusted them to teach them “the truth” when in fact they have unknowingly perpetuated lies or hidden the truth. These reasons and so many more are why it matters.

Why if the restoration of the priesthood really happened (in 1829 ( REFERENCE )), and was such a monumental moment in the forming of the church, did JS not tell anyone about it till 5 years after it occurred? Even Bushman in the bookwhich can be bought at Deseret Book, concedes thatJS said nothing to the members or leadership about the restoration of the priesthood until 1834? ( REFERENCE

The D&C says that the name of the higher priesthood was changed from “the Holy Priesthood after the order of the Son of God” to Melchizedek but “out of respect or reverence to the name of the Supreme Being, to avoid the too-frequent repetition of his name” ( REFERENCE ) but that long name does NOT contain the name of Jesus or Elohim. “Son of God” is not his name, it is a title and one we use all the time. This makes no sense and never has to me.In fact, since it is HIS priesthood, wouldn’t it make perfect sense to name it after him, just like we do the church?

Tithing was taught very differently from JS than what is taught today. It was 2% and then later 10% of your SURPLUS, meaning after all your bills were paid. We teach in church that the law is “10% of your interest” and give the definition of the word interest to mean “income” but in 1828 the common understanding of the term was “surplus.” Why the change?The law of tithing as originally taught by Lorenzo Snow was thisThat is the original quote from Pres Snow and it is in line with JS teachings on the subject. However today the manual has this quote as follows,JS did not want people to experience hardship in order to pay tithing, but today the church teaches you should pay your tithing before all else, even if you think you will go hungry, even then and rely on God to bless you. Also, why does the BoM say nothing about the law of tithing except to quote the Old Testament with the accusation of Malachi of the Levities which wouldn’t be applicable to the people in 3 Nephi where it is dropped in randomly? ( REFERENCE

Tithing was part of the Law of Moses; a law that was fulfilled in Jesus and, according to the Bible, ended (like animal sacrifice) in the New Testament. Tithing is not taught in the New Testament but the principle to give voluntarily to support the needs of others is (Acts 2:45; Romans 15:25-27), support Christian workers (1 Corinthians 9:11-12; 1 Timothy 5:18), and expand Christian outreach (Philippians 4:15-16). No specific amount is ever commanded, and no percentage is suggested.

I used to have all sorts of rational thoughts about the place that women had in the church and how theirs was as equal as the men’s. Then I read this article ( REFERENCE ) and my eyes were opened and I’ve never thought that again. I reflected upon the temple, and how the woman is given to the man, like property, in the sealing ceremony, but he is not given to her. There is clearly a relationship of ownership in that ordinance that I never saw before andIn the endowment, the woman is put under covenant to hearken to her husband and the man is put under covenant to hearken to God. Why can’t a woman listen to God directly? Why the dependence on a man? It’s belittling and carries with it the implication of some degree of servitude. I can get remarried (and sealed) to another woman if my wife and I divorce, I don’t need her permission, but she would need mine in order to get sealed to another man. Even if that man was a worthy priesthood holder and I was an apostate. And if I didn’t give permission because I decided to be a jerk then too bad for her.

I think about the Word of Wisdom ( REFERENCE ) -I don't. The idea seems absurd (and is not scriptural if you read who could be baptized in the Waters of Mormon - take upon them the name of Christ, and bear one another's burdens, and mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those is stand in need of comfort, and witness and serve God v8-10 ; that was the criteria for baptism in the BoM, Mosiah 8 (of course Alma baptized himself too in that case, but we assume that's ok, at least for him, because the spirit confirms it v14 although this would be an abomination today if someone did it)) and yet the prophets do believe this doctrine but it is nowhere in the scriptures.

Why do we ban beer at all when the scripture specifically says it is OK! Mild drinks of Barley are OK. Read the Section for yourself – where is the revelation that reverses these words from God in D&C?

Why do we ban beer at all when the scripture specifically says it is OK! Mild drinks of Barley are OK. Read the Section for yourself – where is the revelation that reverses these words from God in D&C?

In fact, Brigham Young said in 1861, “Some of the brethren are very strenuous upon the Word of Wisdom and would like to have me preach upon it and urge upon the brethren and make it a test of fellowship. I do not think I shall do so. I have never done so.” In 1870 in General Conference said,

The word of wisdom is specifically called out as “not a commandment” in the D&C but we act as if it is, which was not widely pushed by the church leaders till about the time of prohibition.

I am grateful that now because I am thinking more clearly and because I claim authority to live by that which makes sense to me, that I am not burdened by this morass of unclear and contradictory creed ( MORE ).

Mormons teach that God answers prayers, often taught that every prayer will be answered in God’s own way and time,I had an epiphany recently as I prayed over our family dinner asking God to bless the food. It occurred to me how absurd it was to think that God would grant this prayer and bless this feast of high quality food for a bunch of fat, free, rich Americans while 80,000 children go missing every year in India who are starving, cold, and abused without answering their prayers of a warm and safe place to sleep and a little bit of food. What about the unspoken yet crystal clear prayers of the heart that these little children have? If God was to actually answer my prayer while those kids suffer, I do not want to worship that God.

I think about how Pres. Hinkley said in this interview with Larry King and when asked about polygamy he says "it's not doctrinal". It is canonized in the 132 section of the D&C ( REFERENCE ). A section by the way that I never remember reading closely or studying or even discussing in church, but says that if "any man" wants to take another wife and if "she be a virgin" then he can, but he needs to tell his first wife and ask for her permission BUT if she says no, he can do it anyway, AND if the first wife doesn't agree then she will be destroyed by God. That's SO terrible and flies in the face of everything I believe about agency. And one could go further and ask why if this is the revelation on how polygamy is supposed to work, why didn't Joseph follow these rules? He married women (34 of them) many who were not virgins (11 of them already married to living husbands ( REFERENCE )) and he didn't always tell Emma about it.Section 132 of the D&C is abusive and dismissive of women and their rights to freedom of choice and goes even further to threaten them with destruction if they do not concede to the man whenever he desires to take another woman to wife. The New and Everlasting Covenant which we currently teach as simply a temple sealing is NOT what this section of D&C teaches. This section clearly states that The New and Everlasting Covenant is plural marriage. Brigham Young (and other prophets) taught unequivocally that no one would be entered into the Celestial Kingdom without practicing polygamy ( REFERENCE ). After reading the teachings of the brethren on this subject, it is not inaccurate to say that

Why does it say in the BoM ( Jacob 2:24 ) that the wives and concubines of David and Solomon (nearly 1000 ( REFERENCE )) were an abomination but in the D&C 132:38-39 it says that they were given of God and David and Solomon did not sin?The apologists acknowledge ( REFERENCE ) that the only reason for polygamy is “to raise up seed” to God, the essays ( REFERENCE ) imply that this was the reason for polygamy in the church, but if you look at the footnoteit disproves this assertion. This is crafty writing to give a false impression in the text to justify polygamy, but then cover themselves by disproving it in their own footnote. There is simply so much to say about polygamy that is just wrong ( REFERENCE ).

we make monsters out of more than one ear piercing, tattoos, shorts above the knee, not attending church meetings, colored shirts to church, sleeveless dresses, watching TV on Sunday, recreational activities on Sunday, coffee, tea, rated R movies, swear words, saying “thank God”, loud laughter (whatever that means), and so much more… add to that sins of omission: preaching that we should know how to pray better, study the scriptures better, serve better, and on and on. Add all this to the endless ways in which the church asks for our time and commitments and we have an infinite supply of reasons to not feel like we are good enough, to recognize shortcomings in others, and yet we are spending our lives in the effort to prove that we are “worthy” and “righteous”, when all that we should be focused on is being kind and loving and forgiving and not judging a soul. We supposedly have the “fullness of the gospel” and even as we are supposedly living the closest to the way God would like us to live (because we have the restored gospel and the rest of the world is ignorant of it) we are a culture filled with guilt and the feelings of inadequacy. I know that what I just described is tied to my own personal experience with Mormonism and may not be universal, but I do not believe it is uncommon from what I have observed over 40 years, it is pervasive.

I cannot identify a doctrine more spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically damaging to a person, than to tell them that God Almighty, the creator of the universe says they are fundamentally broken; that their natural born desire to love a certain way is evil; that they cannot partake in romantic love during their lifetime; that they must live a life with no sexual fulfillment; and that in the next life they will be "fixed" and made into a "normal" person.

Conservative estimates indicate the percentage of homosexuals to be about 1.5% which would be 112,000,000 people; that is 7 times the number of Mormons (or 22 times more if you only count active Mormons). So in God’s wisdom, he deemed it good to give a hundred million more people the "trial" of homosexuality instead of giving them the “fullness of the gospel.” Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t to me.

Free from the threat of being a bad Mormon who lacks faith if I don't just peacefully accept all that the brethren tell me. I know that the church does many wonderful things and brings many wonderful values to the table, but I also see for the first time in my life, through deeply painful and costly personal experienceI do not mean to be melodramatic; I have seen and experience (and still am experiencing) these stakes first hand.

I think about all the millions of people who witnesses of the spirit ( REFERENCE ), just as we do, some in religions that seem reasonable, and some in religions that are ridiculous to clear thinking people.It would be arrogant to do so. What would it be based on? There are 1 billion followers of Hinduism, 500 million followers of Buddhism. Is that not significantly greater evidence that one of those religions may be God’s truth? There are 1.5 billion who claim that Islam is the true religion. Why is that not significantly greater evidence than the 15 million Mormons?Not to mention the roughly 2 billion Christians that would testify that their version of Christianity is the correct one and ours wrong. That is nearly 5 billion people (against 15 million ()) that would testify of their spiritual witness that a belief system different than Mormonism is “the truth.”

Isn’t it fascinating that we find it so easy to be critical and dismissive of other “spiritual witnesses” (Islam, Hinduism, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholicism, etc.) when they come knocking on our door as having no merit, but we don’t for a moment turn that critical thinking on our own religious experiences asking if perhaps they too have no merit.

if I as a parent were to have two children, a daughter and a son. To my daughter I taught that it is good to eat sugar with every meal and that this was the ultimate truth, and separately to my son I taught that sugar was poison and that this was the ultimate truth. In addition, I taught each of them that understanding this truth would determine their ability to be happy and please me while in their youth as they lived in my home, but not only that… the proper understanding of this truth is what will determine their ability to be happy or miserable once they became adults and lived out the rest of their lives. What kind of relationship I have setup for these children to have with one another? If any of these “spiritual witnesses” have merit, then they all do, and if they all do then what I just described is what God has set up for his children.

. This video ( REFERENCE ) articulates my concerns on this topic clearly; it is part 8 and the previous parts are very thoughtful and I encourage you to listen to this man’s story from parts 6, 7, and 8 ( REFERENCE ).tap into truth ( REFERENCE eternal truths ( REFERENCE ), but when one of us, or some of us, claim to have a special ability in this and claim divine authority in it, and have ability to judge us on God’s behalf and thereby require us to follow them, then I think we have moved into dangerous ground and created an unhealthy dependence and dynamic.

The fact that so many of us are having “spiritual” experiences is nearly impossible to deny. However, we have incorrectly associated these experiences as a witnesses of ancient conflicting ideas that put us at odds with one another and prevent us from understanding their real meaning. (

I have realized thatIt is clear to anyone that is capable of basic moral reasoning that it is generally better to cooperate with people to accomplish a common goal than to use force. Is it clear to most human beings that it is better to be kind to others than cruel, and that the exception to that is when someone is being victimized and then it may be rational to offer a defense on their behalf, and that increasing human well-being is better than increasing human suffering. These truths are self-evident to the majority of the human family. It is when we begin to believe that, or, a certain idea about God and the afterlife (for which there is no real evidence) that determines if we inherit an eternity of punishment when we are often led to irrational levels of judgement and cruelty to one another and divide ourselves into groups based on what we believe rather than the kind of people we are.

How unhealthy that was! How vulnerable that was! How dependent that was! I think about how I have felt subtle intimidation my whole life in meeting with church "authorities." Intimidation which they never meant to create but nevertheless was there because of the system/organization itself removing authority from me , the individual, and placing it in the hands of strangers (bishops, stake presidents). This is not right. And I really do not think I am alone, or uncommon, or rare in this dependence. I see it everywhere. I have reflected on my behavior as I sat in confessional with the bishop, how desperate of a human being I was, how in bawling tears I was broken in shame by my unworthiness and guilt. I reflect on that and the utter dependence I had on the Mormon church and these men to define my relationship with God, to validate my worthiness as a believer, to establish my value as a child of God. I look back at that now and so much has become clear to me.I think about how I have felt subtle intimidation my whole life in meeting with church "authorities." Intimidation which they never meant to create but nevertheless was there because of the system/organization itself, the individual, and placing it in the hands of strangers (bishops, stake presidents).And I really do not think I am alone, or uncommon, or rare in this dependence.



I was deeply hurt by this inappropriate claim and use of authority; I sat before ordinary men who, with good intentions, judged me and shamed me and embarrassed me. Men who knew little to nothing about me except what I had done in my weakest moments and summed me up with that sliver of information and passed judgement on my soul and found me wanting. These moments have been the most emotionally and spiritually damaging experiences of my life, sending me to depression and self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. I find it bewildering that I was punished for crimes that pale in comparison to the crimes committed by the founder of the religion. These men think they are doing good, helping to correct the sinner, but I testify that they are not. They are simply playing God and I believe that someday many of them will realize they have simply spent much of their time and energy judging people. Nothing more.

“President David O. McKay has pleaded: Your virtue is worth more than your life. Please, young folk, preserve your virtue even if you lose your lives.” – Spencer W. Kimball, “The Miracle of Forgiveness”

“We have been taught, thousands of us who have been reared in this church from our childhood days, that second only to murder is the sin of losing our virtue;” … “There is no true Latter-day Saint who would not rather bury a son or a daughter than to have him or her lose his or her virtue” – Heber J. Grant, General Conference 1944 (REFERENCE)

These are TERRIBLE teachings!





Mormonism tightly couples Virtue and Virginity and this is wrong. Virtue should not be defined by an attribute of our physical make up, or a historical event, or the absence of some future event, but rather by the nature of our character. Our righteousness, our worthiness, our value, our character and virtue is NOT determined by an event but rather by who we are as demonstrated by how we interact with our fellow human beings. The ancient philosophers (Plato, Aristotle, the Stoics) had this better understanding when they declared the 4 great virtues to be: Courage, Temperance, Wisdom, and Justice. To define virtue as simply not being sexual (outside of marriage) is an extremely juvenile definition of virtue, and when coupled with the transfer of authority to another who can and must judge you and control you based on this “virtue” is highly inappropriate, manipulative, and damaging.



Also, no one is perfectly virtuous, this is a fallacy, just as it would be to say that there is a perfect age that someone should be. In fact, the myth of the perfect Jesus perpetuates this fallacy and projects an infinity of imperfection on the human race that is infinitely unhelpful. It gives us every reason to believe that we are not perfect, we are broken, and in need of rescue when in fact we are perfect in our creation, meaning we are perfectly human. Our goal and object should not be perfection, but the gaining of knowledge and the exercise of virtue (as I defined it above). If any theologian wants to make any comparisons between me and the demi-God Jesus figure – I will be happy to have that conversation once I too am a demi-God and the comparison makes some sense.



The apex in the cruel religious irony of my life is when at times I found myself sitting in humiliation, guilt, shame, and judgement of such men for sins and crimes that utterly pale in comparison to the founder of the religion which was now condemning me. These men, largely strangers to me, knowing me primarily by my sin that had brought me into their acquaintance, would proceed to interrogate me and then pass judgement on me and restrict me to one degree or another from participating in church activities. The whole thing was horrifically traumatic emotionally and spiritually to me at the time, but now I see it for the kangaroo court that it is.

History accuses Joseph Smith of the following sins/crimes: (1) illegally marring 34 women, (2) 11 of which had husbands, (3) 7 of which were teenagers (14, 15, 16, and three 17 yr olds while he was in his late 30s), (4) some of whom he coerced with threats of his death and promises of salvation, (5) several of which he married after he sent their husbands away on missions, (6) most of whom he never told Emma about, (7) all of which he lied publicly (and to the church) about his entire life, (8) illegally ordering the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor printing press leading to this arrest and jailing, (9) falsely claiming to translate the BoA, (10) falsely claiming to translate the Kinderhook plates, (11) falsely teaching the American Indians are descendants of Jews, (and more… but that is sufficient for me.)