The 2012 Summer Olympics, sponsored by McDonald’s, kick off in London on Friday. The quadrenniel event bring together some of the greatest athletes in the world, which means lots of very fit men exerting themselves in very tight or very little clothing. It’s a vital ogling occasion for dedicated man-fanciers.

At the request of my friend Red Scharlach, and for the good of humanity, I’ve put together my illustrated pick of the top 50 hunks at this year’s games. I have no idea if these men are likely to win medals, but they’re the athletes to watch if you want some gratuitous eye candy between now and August 12th.

This list favours my tastes and panders to my types. It’s not meant to be your list. It’s not meant to be everyone’s list. It’s just my list.

50. Hugo Parisi

Diving, Brazil, 27

Because not all Brazilians are waxed.

49. Vavrinec Hradilek

Canoe Slalom, Czech Republic, 25

He looks more like a holiday ski instructor than a canoeist, right? But I don’t actually know what canoeists are meant to look like. Until today I didn’t even know canoeist was a word.

48. Tory Nyhaug

Cycling, Canada, 20

The Olympic village will eat him alive.

47. Oscar Pistorius

Athletics, South Africa, 25

Sexy cyborg. The celebrated Paralympian competes in the Olympics for the first time this year.

46. Luiz Alberto de Araújo

Decathlon, Brazil, 25

Probably the best smile at the games. (The rest of him is great too.)

45. Alin Alexuc-Ciurariu

Wrestling, Romania, 22

Adorable broad-shouldered Romanian cub.

44. Julio Alsogaray

Sailing, Argentina, 32

Possibly the most Argentinian-looking Argentinian I’ve ever seen. And he has a yacht! Well, a sailing dinghy. You can have cocktails on a dinghy, right?

43. Andre Vonarburg

Rowing, Switzerland, 34

Another tasty chunk from the people who brought you Toblerone.

42. Tervel Pulev

Boxing, Bulgaria, 29

Almost certainly not a hitman in his spare time. I’m nearly sure of it.

41. Tales Cerdeira

Swimming, Brazil, 25

Sure, he looks like a punk, but he’s a punk in trunks.

40. Bahram Muzaffer

Boxing, Turkey, 25

I believe I am contractually obliged to use the phrase “Turkish delight” here.

39. Helge Meeuw

Swimming, Germany, 27

The Ryan Gosling of the German swim team. (And he knows it, or there wouldn’t be moody black-and-white photos of him peeling off his scanties.)

38. Ruben Limardo

Fencing, Venezuela, 26

One of three unexpectedly sexy fencers on this list. Sorry, fencers; I just didn’t know you were sexy.

37. Samuel Piasecky

Gymnastics, Slovakia, 27

This guy almost certainly grew the goatee to make up for his way-too-pretty eyes.

36. Pete Reed

Rowing, UK, 30

Not a fancy dress costume; preppy Pete Reed is an actual serving Royal Navy officer. He’s also 6’ 6". Tall, dark and military.

35. Valtteri Jokinen

Judo, Finland, 29

Evidently they teach martial arts to farm boys in Finland.

34. Christopher Patte

Modern Pentathlon, France, 22

Remember, pentathletes have to shoot, fence, run, swim and ride a horse, so this guy is basically a French secret agent.

33. Elias Cuesta

Archery, Spain, 27

You’re not going to find any bronzed Abercrombie twinks in the archery competition, but you will find at least one hot bearish Spaniard.

32. Ryan Bailey

Water Polo, USA, 36

Water polo players are essentially rugby players in swimming trunks (and silly hats). So you’re going to see quite a few water polo players in this list. You should set your Tivo for the water polo, is what I’m saying.

31. Nicholas Santos

Swimming, Brazil, 32

Let’s replace the swimming contest with a wet t-shirt contest.

30. Philippe Beaudry

Fencing, Canada, 25

Handsome. Gallic. Carries a sword. Any questions?

29. Drasko Brguljan

Water Polo, Montenegro, 27

Obviously the hot dork of the water polo circuit.

28. Danell Leyva

Gymnastics, USA, 20

Dark Latin eyes. Bee-stung lips. Compact muscular body. A lot of people will be watching Leyva compete. Some of them might care if he wins a medal.

27. Luke Rowe

Football, New Zealand, 20

Luke Rowe is half Maori, which explains why he’s small and plays football and not big and playing rugby. As rugby union hasn’t been an Olympic sport since 1924, rugby’s loss is our gain.

26. Leandro Guilheiro

Judo, Brazil, 28

Judokas compete wearing oversize dressing gowns that frequently come undone during the fight. I thought you should know that.

25. Marcelo Chierighini

Swimming, Brazil, 21

Photos tell me that the beaches of Brazil are basically full of guys that look and dress like this, which makes me wonder why I’m not currently on a beach in Brazil.

24. Peter Mankoc

Swimming, Slovenia, 34

Everybody loves Mankoc! (I believe it’s pronounced “man-kosh”, but let’s not tell the broadcasters that.)

23. Dusko Pijetlovic

Water Polo, Serbia, 27

Big wet goon. Have I convinced you to watch the water polo yet?

22. Isco

Football, Spain, 20

I really hope Isco is a good footballer, because they don’t usually give underwear modelling contracts to the bad ones.

21. He Chong

Diving, China, 25

China doesn’t publish nearly enough good pictures of its hot athletes. Babyfaced He Chong is a rare exception.

20. Bolade Apithy

Fencing, France, 26

Seriously, where has fencing been hiding these guys? Can they change men’s fencing uniforms to something resembling women’s volleyball uniforms, or would that be dangerous?

19. Andrey Amador Bakkazakova

Cycling, Costa Rica, 25

I like that this cyclist’s solution to helmet hair is cute ruffled bed head.

18. Jordan Burroughs

Wrestling, USA, 24

This body really exists, people. This body actually exists.

17. Vjekoslav Paskovic

Water Polo, Montenegro, 27

They have hot flannel-shirted bros everywhere now. Even wherever Montenegro is.

16. Tyson Chandler

Basketball, USA, 29

I assume Tyson Chandler is well known in the US, which begs the question; why did no-one ever tell me about him? I thought basketball players were all lanky beanpoles!

15. Murat Shakenov

Water Polo, Kazakhstan, 21

Evidently there are hot guys in Kazakhstan. This is now the only thing I know about Kazakhstan.

14. Alexandre Despatie

Diving, Canada, 27

Delightful Canadian water pixie. He should play Northstar if they ever make an Alpha Flight movie.

13. Dmitriy Klokov

Weightlifting, Russia, 29

Not everyone shares my fondness for large Russians, but those that do will hopefully appreciate Dmitriy as much as I do.

12. Saul Craviotto Rivero

Canoe Sprint, Spain, 27

God made Michael Fassbender as a warm-up for this tall drink of cerveza.

11. Riley McCormick

Diving, Canada, 20

Alexandre Despatie must be nearing retirement, and Canada needs to hold on to the title of “world’s cutest diver”, so they invented Riley McCormick. Good job, Canada.

10. Sebastian Prieto

Handball, UK, 25

I didn’t even know handball was a thing, but I’m going to watch it this year.

09. Jai Opetaia

Boxing, Australia, 17

OK, he’s too young. But that just means he can stick around and be adorable for at least two more Olympiads (if he doesn’t go pro).

08. Aljaz Sedej

Judo, Slovenia, 24

Is it me, or does he have a sort of Judo Gordon-Levitt thing going on?

07. Koji Murofushi

Hammer Throw, Japan, 37

Presumably one of the biggest men in Japan, and one of my favourite Olympians three games in a row.

06. Daigoro Timoncini

Wrestling, Italy, 26

I like that they matched his bulging wrestling singlet to his beautiful eyes.

05. Anthony Ogogo

Boxing, UK, 23

Fun fact: Ogogo used to be a Big Brother housemate. He’s still the best thing ever to happen to Big Brother.

04. Andreas Miralis

Water Polo, Greece, 24

Better than any Greek statue. I’d like to imagine Alexander the Great’s boyfriend looked like this.

03. Manoji Kumar

Boxing, India, 25

Memo to opponents: Please don’t punch him in the face. Unless he’d look good with a broken nose, in which case, go for it.

02. Louis Smith

Gymnastics, UK, 23

Louis Smith arouses my patriotism.

01.Clemente Russo

Boxing, Italy, 30

This is what the phrase “handsome brute” means. For my money, Clemente Russo and his heavy brows and razor-sharp cheekbones are the main attraction at this year’s games.

Based on my ample study, the hottest sports at these Coca-Colympics will be boxing and water polo, followed by swimming and diving. Gymnastics and wrestling will offer some obvious hotness; the surprise hotness will apparently come from fencing and judo. The hottest nation is Brazil, with the US, UK and Canada in joint second place, followed by Spain. Now you know.

Enjoy the Games! Brought to you by Cadbury.