WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Issuing a new distancing guideline on Wednesday, Donald Trump said that he was now practicing distancing from all of his previous statements about the coronavirus.

“As of today, I will be keeping a great distance between myself and anything I said about COVID-19 in the months of January, February, and March,” he said. “I will be staying at least six feet away from those statements, and probably more like ten thousand feet.”

Trump said that he could not predict how long his new practice of distancing would continue, but indicated, “Next week, I will probably be distancing myself from things I said this week. This could go on for a long time.”

He urged all Americans to distance themselves from his previous statements, as well. “If you’re watching CNN or MSNBC and they start showing things I said in February, leave the room immediately,” he advised.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed virologist, expressed approval of Trump’s new policy. “Personally, I have been distancing myself from his statements for months,” he said.