MEDFIELD, MA—Despite not receiving a formal invitation or any other signal that he had been tapped to speak, former Major League Baseball pitcher and outspoken conservative Curt Schilling reportedly just went ahead and assumed this week that he’ll be addressing the audience at the Republican National Convention. “I haven’t heard anything, but if I had to guess, I’d say I’ll probably get about 30 minutes on day three or maybe the morning of day four to talk about how we need to turn this country around,” said the retired right-hander, adding that he had already given some thought to an analogy likening the enactment of Donald Trump’s economic and national security policies to coming from behind to win Game 7 of the World Series. “It’d be nice to know if they want me to hit traditional family values or Muslim terrorists or how far America will go downhill if Hillary is elected, but I’m fine either way. I can always just get up there, probably after a speech by one of the Pawn Stars guys or maybe Steven Seagal, and just lay into Obama and PC culture for however long they need.” Schilling said he had also prepared some remarks about how abortion constitutes murder on the “very good odds” he’d be asked to weigh in for a live cable news segment from the RNC floor.

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