Few television shows have brought me as much unmitigated joy as Amazon’s Bosch. Now, to be fair, I’ve never seen an entire episode of Bosch… or any Bosch at all, really. But I’m genuinely happy that it exists. Let me be clear: I am not too cool for Bosch. I unironically enjoy Matchbox Twenty and have seen every single episode of the hit USA drama Suits. If anything Bosch is too cool for me. One sweet day I will allow the show’s dulcet procedural charms to wash over me as I watch all of it yet retain none of it — like Hulu’s Chance, Burn Notice, or any documentary centering around the high-octane world of CrossFit.

But that day is not today.

Over the past month, I texted the word “Bosch” to 100 different people. No preamble. No context. Just Bosch. Here’s an example of one such text exchange:

I know what you’re thinking, Wow, you truly lead a whimsical life filled with magic and wonder, Josh. That’s true. Thank you. But you also might be thinking to yourself, Hey, weirdo, why the hell did you do this? Fair question, belligerent stranger, but I don’t have a concrete answer. You know that legend about a parent being injected with a surge of hysterical strength and using that adrenaline to lift a car off their kid? I think it’s similar to that, except instead of hysterical strength I’m often subsumed with copious amounts of gobbledygook. What I’m trying to say is that divine intervention works in mysterious ways.

ANYWAY, Decider’s digital maestro Dillen Phelps created a handy pie chart categorizing all 100 of my responses. Like the true social scientist that I am, I detailed the results of my experiment below.

45% Of People Responded With Bosch-Neutral Replies

Television is a magical medium that has the ability to bring people together. Bosch, a series TV critic Alan Sepinwall once called “very solid,” is no exception. Many of my initial responses were what I would call “Bosch-Neutral.” Some were quizzical in nature (“The show?” “Say what?” “Was that mean for me?”) while a few were… less pleasant.

In related news, Jade Budowski no longer works at Decider.

Undeterred, I asked myself, What would Bosch do? This didn’t help because, again, I’ve never seen the show. But from trailers, context clues, and Titus Welliver’s steely 1,000-yard stare, I deduced that Bosch is the type of hard-boiled detective who likes to play by his own rules.

Bosch (probably) operates outside the system. And so do I.

28% Of People Ignored My Text

It’s official: Monsters live among us. Sure, I expected a few bad eggs to ignore my text, but almost 30% of people refused to respond to my extremely strange, very unsolicited text message. Rude.

These scoundrels include:

My Mother

Reason given: “I don’t know what a Bosch is.”

My College Girlfriend

Possible reason: This was our first contact with one another in six years.

Probable reason: She’s never seen Bosch.

Decider’s Lea Palmieri

Reason given: No idea. I didn’t ask because we are no longer on speaking terms.

Laura Law Class?

Fun fact: You may know 100 people, but you probably don’t talk to 100 people on a regular basis. I’ve had the same phone number since college, so I’ve accumulated just under 600 phone numbers over the past fifteen years. Am I sharing this info to impress you? Yes. But I’m also disclosing this tidbit because I texted “Bosch” to a girl from my college law class, Laura. All I remember is that we sat next to each other and once kissed for 10-15 seconds outside of a party. Would Bosch be the spark our admittedly dormant relationship needed to go from fourteen years of silence to casually texting about a Saturn Awards-nominated Amazon series?

No. Even Bosch, a show Sarah Rodman of The Boston Globe called “a sturdy ride,” couldn’t save our romance. Maybe that kiss meant more to me than it did to her? Perhaps her name is actually Lauren? Who knows.

Apropos of nothing, here’s a link to Natalie Merchant’s 1998 hit single “Kind and Generous.”

Possible reasons for her silence: We haven’t talked to one another in fourteen years; this was our very first text message; I don’t know her last name; I might not even have her correct first name in my phone; she’s too busy with her one true love: the law.

Probable reason for her silence: She’s never seen Bosch.

19% Replied With Question Marks

My research shows that one out of every five people you text “Bosch” to will reply with a question mark. Here’s one from a man I met while working as a production assistant on the hit Will Smith film I Am Legend.

I have no idea if this is the Dan Levy who co-created Schitt’s Creek or just another Dan Levy. Despite having this number in my phone for twelve years, this was our first interaction.

Anyway, your biggest takeaway from this section should be that I personally know Will Smith.

3% Responded By Simply Naming Another TV Show

I don’t know how to play television chess, mostly because it’s a game I just invented, but I assume this is how it would work: I text you the name of a TV show and then you text one back. This continues until, eventually, one of us dies.

Only three out of a hundred recipients responded to my message by texting me back another television show. Interestingly enough — and, yes, I’m using that term very loosely — the three shows sent to me were exactly the type of shows you’d expect: Sneaky Pete, Goliath, and, yep, you guessed it:

2% Of People Referenced Former Toronto Raptors/Miami Heat Star Chris Bosh

You have a crime in need of solving? Call Harry Bosch. You need a rim protector who can nail an eighteen-foot jump shot with ease? Dial 0 and ask for eleven-time all-star Chris Bosh. One my favorite Bosch responses was from UCB veteran Clara Morris.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Does Not Have Time For My Shenanigans And/Or The Hit Amazon Prime Video Series Bosch

Celebrities really are just like us… in that they will IGNORE YOU.

I wanted to make sure The Rock had an opportunity to weigh-in on this very important and not at all stupid matter, but I seemed to have misplaced his phone number, so I decided to tweet him. I didn’t expect the star of San Andreas 2: San Andreas-er to respond with a detailed plot summary of Bosch, but part of being a universally beloved beacon of hope and muscles is that you take the time to respond to your fans.

I’m not angry at The Rock, but I am disappointed in The Rock.

Out Of 100 (Okay, 99) Texts Sent, There Was Only 1 Overtly Positive & 1 Overtly Negative Response To Bosch

Despite not receiving a text from me in two years, my pal Kelly Thomas replied “I LOVE Bosch” seconds after receiving my message. On the flip side of the coin, my good friend and noted Rob Schneider enthusiast Joe DiBella had a different response:

Simple and to the point. You gotta respect that. The end of this article reminds me of my favorite Bosch quote, which is the only one listed on IMDB:

Jerry Edgar: Golf is a great sport.

Harry Bosch: Golf is not a great sport. If you can smoke and drink while doing it, it’s not a sport.

Ha. Classic Bosch. Probably.

Where to stream Bosch