JOHNSTOWN, OH—Anxiously searching through the variety of brands on display for an acceptable offering, local man Nate Walsh reportedly scanned the beer aisle of his neighborhood Kroger Thursday for something his asshole friend wouldn’t mock. “I never heard the end of it when I showed up to Dave’s New Year’s Eve party with a case of Heineken, so I’m definitely not going to make that mistake again,” said Walsh, examining and ultimately rejecting a 12-pack of Fat Tire after imagining the ridicule he’d face for choosing such a pedestrian amber ale. “I know if I bring, say, Blue Moon, Dave will make fun of me for getting something so mass-produced, but if I go with some obscure Belgian-style saison, I’ll get totally roasted for trying too hard. I might be safe with an IPA from a local craft brewery, but honestly, if it doesn’t have a good flavor profile, that prick is going to rip me to shreds regardless.” At press time, a panicking Walsh was headed for the checkout after just grabbing the first bottle of wine he could find.

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