I'm GLAD I never had children - and GLAD I'm not a granny: For many it would be an aching regret. But singer KIKI DEE, now 66, has a startling confession



Kiki Dee



A couple of weeks ago, I bumped into my old friend Elton John. We see each other rarely these days, but when we do we're right back where we left off.

This time, he was gushing about his two little boys. ‘Come and look at these photos, they're gorgeous!'

Sure enough, boisterous Zachary, two, and his eight-month-old brother Elijah were beautiful. But that didn't stop me thinking: ‘I'm so glad they aren't mine!'

Anti-gran: Kiki's career has always come first. The singer's album came out on Monday and she is in the middle of a three-month tour

I'm a childless woman, yet I felt no maternal urges whatsoever. The prospect of years of broken nights and nappy changes holds no appeal for me.

Of course, at 66, I'd be far more likely to be showing off photos of beloved grandchildren than kids of my own, but there's no regret there either.

This is where I break one last taboo: I'm incredibly glad I'm not a granny.

While many childless women come to rue their decision post-60, when all their friends are delighting in grandchildren, I feel quite the opposite.

It's not because I dislike kids. I adore them - there's nothing more beautiful than a laughing or sleeping baby.

So wouldn't I like to dandle a plump little poppet of my own on my knee, safe in the knowledge my genes have been passed on before I shuffle off for good?

Not a bit of it. I am perfectly happy with the delights and challenges of my career (this is my 50th year in the music business), not to mention my friends and relatives. There really are some of us who don't need any more to feel fulfilled.

Commitment: The singer has been in the music industry since she was 16. This year is her 50th in the business



I recognise this could make me sound a bit odd. The majority of women seem to have a physical urge or mental desire to procreate at some stage.

It's not so much that I ever declared: ‘I will never have children,' I just never found the right man to settle down with, so it didn't happen.

Perversely, the only explanation I can see for my apathy towards motherhood is my own, very secure childhood.

The youngest of three - my brother David is 73 and my sister Betty is 68 - I was cossetted. We lived in a terrace in Bradford and didn't have much. My dad started work at 14 in a textile mill and spent his life providing for his family.

My mother stayed at home to look after us throughout our childhood and we were very happy.

We had idyllic summer holidays, building sandcastles with my father on the beach at Bridlington. It might sound strange, but I think that secure cocoon of familial love was so nourishing it gave me the strength to live life on my own.

I suspect one thing that often spurs people to have families is not having had happy childhoods themselves. They want to create their own secure units, having children whom they hope will adore them unconditionally.

A looker: Kiki has had plenty of boyfriends, but she realised early on that she didn't need a partner to be happy

Thankfully, I never got a word of complaint from my parents about my decision not to have children. They knew right that I wanted different things.

It certainly wasn't usual for a girl from my background to end up the first white European signed by a Motown record label - let alone tour the world with Elton John.

And as for relationships, I have an uncanny knack for choosing the most commitment-phobic men - lovely guys, but not into providing for wives and children.

Most of my relationships peter out after six months. My most serious affair lasted four years during my mid-20s - with Davey Johnstone, one of Elton's guitarists.

Performing with Elton John: Kiki's most serious affair lasted four years during her mid-20s, with Davey Johnstone, one of Elton's guitarists

Our big hit, Don't Go Breaking My Heart, topped the charts in 1976. I fell in love but Davey was only 24 - four years younger than me - and girls were throwing themselves at him.

We were living together in Hollywood when I discovered he was seeing another girl. I was devastated and threw a chair at him, but it went straight through the flimsy door, the legs poking out the other side. This dissolved the tension as we both burst out laughing. But our break-up was painful. It took me years to get over Davey.

LA is fantastic when you're on the A-List, but when you're down on your luck, it feels pretty shallow. After a few months, I returned to London to lick my wounds. Eventually I bought a flat and started to piece my life back together.

I realised I didn't need a partner to be happy - plus, Davey was a tough act to follow. I went on to have lots of boyfriends, but there was no one really significant.

When I turned 30, I admit I did start to feel troubled about not following the conventional path of having a husband and children.

In the Eighties, there was a lot of talk about women being able to have a family on their own: sperm donation was brand new and there was more of a sense that women could manage as single mothers.

I thought fleetingly about it, but I simply wasn't plagued by maternal urges like some of my friends.

Then, at 38, I was recording in Paris when I met a gorgeous sound engineer, Pierre, who, at 24, was 14 years younger than me. I fell madly in love in ten minutes flat.

We had a six-month affair and I realised that if I had really wanted babies, I wouldn't have gone for Pierre, I'd have picked a man who was ready for fatherhood.

Three years later, the baby question was taken out of my hands. Waiting for the results of a routine smear test, I got an ominous feeling.

I went in and the doctor said: ‘I'm afraid you've got cancer of the womb. Do you need a cup of tea?'

It was a shock. I left and drifted down the street in a daze.

'Clucking' days: If Kiki wants a baby to coo over, her best friend has a 20-month-old grandson (pictured)

Thankfully I was only ill for nine months. But the radiation treatment left me infertile.

An experience like that has a profound impact. For the first few years all I was interested in was survival - thoughts of men and children paled into insignificance. And that's where they've stayed.

As soon as I was well enough, in 1987, I threw myself into the musical Blood Brothers, in which I played the lead, and it consumed me. I did over 1,000 shows.

The first review said: ‘Kiki Dee can only get better'. I ended up nominated for a Laurence Olivier Award.

My determination to make a success of every project I take on perhaps points to another reason I never had a family of my own: my career has always come first. My dad taught us a fierce work ethic and I've never stopped.

People imagine that not having children means you're lonely when you get to my age. And it's true that - thanks largely to my predeliction for commitment-phobes - I haven't had a long-term lover for years, although I never say never.

But I have never felt isolated. Perhaps it harks back to the solid foundations of my childhood.

I am close to my siblings and their children, I have a wonderful best friend, and the Hertfordshire village where I live is a close community. But I haven't allowed myself to think about what will happen in 20 years time when I'm in my 80s.

Freedom: Kiki has never felt so complete

I think my niece, who is 43 and lives in London, an hour away, would care for me, though we have never talked about it. We are very close - we share all the best bits of a mother-daughter relationship.

I'd prefer to live alone if I'm able to. I should probably start putting some money away for the future.

And while I might not have grandchildren, I have two great-nephews and two great-nieces - aged between ten and 16 - to spoil and take out for treats.

I get all the fun parts of parenting, but none of the responsibility. So I rather like being an eccentric Graunty (great aunty). And if I want a baby to coo over, my best friend Jenny has a 20-month-old grandson, Levi. We have what we call ‘clucking' days where the pair of us fuss over him.

Work is still a major part of my life. My guitarist and producer of 19 years, Carmelo Luggeri, and I have never been busier - it feels like the Seventies all over again.

Our album came out on Monday and we are in the middle of a three-month tour. I wouldn't be tearing up and down the country with my guitarist if I had a brood of grandchildren to look after.

There's a certain freedom to being on your own. So don't feel sorry for us non-grannies - I've never felt so complete.