I know that sexual harassment can be a touchy subject around these parts. If reading another post that addresses this topic is going to be frustrating and bothersome for you … well, I don’t really know what help to offer. Don’t read, I guess? This topic does need to be addressed on this particular blog, several times and from multiple angles. Many in our community have expressed that sexual harassment is a problem in their lives and that they have a tough time knowing how to recognize it, respond to it, prevent it, and so forth. If it hasn’t been enough of a problem in your life that these kinds of posts are relevant to you, rejoice! I am so sincerely glad that has been the case; it gives me hope. Recognize, though, that this is a problem for others, even though it isn’t a problem for you personally.

Some months ago, I read a comment that’s stayed on my mind, and that comment heavily (heavily) inspired the rest of this post.

When it comes to sexual harassment (or any kind of crime or misbehavior), we sometimes get caught up in figuring out why people do what they do. We want to know the reasons, hopefully so we can create change. That’s important; let’s keep doing that.

Here’s the thing, though: no matter the motivation or underlying issues, the harassed person is just as harassed. It doesn’t become more okay or less harmful because of the perpetrator’s special circumstances. And if we ever feel reluctant to name or stop harassment because we’ve become tangled in those special circumstances, it’s time to reevaluate. We’ve got to say that harassment isn’t acceptable for any reason if we’re going to have a helpful conversation moving forward (and we will have that conversation; look for future posts on the subject). The back story can often explain a harasser’s motivations, but it can never excuse his/her actions. You are not deserving of harassment; the back story doesn’t do a thing to change that.

Or, in other words:

If someone steps on your foot, they need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot without meaning to, they need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot without realizing it, they need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot because they thought you wanted them to, they need to get off your foot and figure out how they misjudged the situation.

If someone steps on your foot because they’ve stepped on lots of other people’s feet in the past and they were fine with it, they need to get off your foot. It would also be a good idea for them to consider that those other people actually weren’t fine with it but were too afraid to say something. And if it turns out that all those other people really didn’t mind the foot-stepping, this person still needs to understand that you are an individual with your own boundaries, which they need to respect by getting off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot for the 20th time and this is the first time you’ve told them you don’t like it, they need to get off your foot. The fact that you haven’t said something previously doesn’t change the fact that they need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot and perceives by your body language that you might not be okay with it, even though you haven’t explicitly said so, they need to get off your foot. The two of you can then have a conversation about how to proceed in the future, if you so choose. Foot-stepping is not polite or respectful, and this person doesn’t get a free pass on doing something rude just because you didn’t directly tell them it was rude. You have enough responsibilities in your life without also having to be in charge of making sure your foot doesn’t end up underneath theirs.

If someone steps on your foot because everyone in their culture steps on feet and it seems completely normal to them and they’ve honestly never thought someone would dislike it, they need to get off your foot. They also need to start questioning what they learned in their culture and work on correcting their ideas of acceptable behavior.

If someone steps on your foot and they are too young to know better, they need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot and they are too old to learn differently, they need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot because you’re wearing revealing footwear, they need to get off your foot, and they also need to start taking responsibility for their own choices, because, in fact, your sandals didn’t make them do anything.

If someone steps on your foot because they thought it would be funny, they need to get off your foot. And it’s not funny. You are under no obligation to act like it is.

If someone has foot-stepping disease, making them unaware they’re stepping on feet, and they proceed to step on your foot, they need to get off your foot. Their disease is part of their life; they have the responsibility to manage it in whatever way is best, and whatever that management may look like in their unique situation — whatever the trial and error process they may go through — they still need to get off your foot.

If someone steps on your foot because someone stepped on their foot at some point in their life, they need to get off your foot. Whoever stepped on their foot shouldn’t have, just like they shouldn’t have stepped on yours. They should consider seeking professional help to heal from their own pain and to stop foot-stepping from hurting them and the people around them any longer.

If someone steps on your foot because they were raised to believe that people with your kind of feet were just the tiniest bit inferior to them and kinda-sorta deserved to have their feet stepped on, they need to get off your foot. They were taught the wrong thing, unfortunately, and it’s up to them to overcome this aspect of their upbringing and to find whatever help they need to do so.

If someone is in a position of authority and they use that authority to step on your foot in even one instance, they need to get off your foot. They are abusing their authority, and that is a huge problem.

If someone has lots of wonderful qualities and is a fantastic person in all sorts of ways and they step on your foot, they need to get off your foot. Their general goodness does not erase the badness of this particular choice, nor does it exempt them from having to treat you respectfully.

If someone steps on your foot just a little bit, they need to get off your foot. Even when other’s feet have been stomped a lot harder, that doesn’t mean that your stomping isn’t worth bothering about. If it stings a little or smashes your foot to a bloody pulp, it still hurts, and they need to get off your foot. (this example added on 9/2/2013)

If someone is a serial foot-stepper and they feel they’re entitled to step on people’s feet because they’re just that awesome and decent-people rules don’t apply to them, they need to get off your foot. They have a messed-up view of the world and how they fit in that world, and it’s on them to fix that.

If someone steps on your foot, for any reason at any time, they need to get off your foot. Please believe that, or if you can’t, then work on getting to a place where you can.