Pigskin Prophet - Week 3

TigerNet Staff by

After a sizzling first week, the power brokers in Las Vegas sent a limo to my house to pick me up so I could fill them in on all my secrets.

After last week’s lack of success – the ACC is really killing me – Vegas sent me a coupon for the super buffet in Greenville in order to keep me as far away from Vegas as possible. The food was good, but the rejection really hurt.

In order to try and make things better, I am almost 100 percent guaranteeing a perfect record this week, give or take 10 games.

Here are this week’s picks, and remember - don't take any of this too serious. It's all in fun.

THURSDAY

RUTGERS AT SOUTH FLORIDA – I saw this was the Thursday night game [I love college football on Thursday nights], and wondered who it is that hates us so much we have to watch this. I get it – Skip Holtz is a good coach and can actually talk without spraying people like a fire hose, but that doesn’t make this matchup any more intriguing to me. Does anyone need their grass cut? Their CD’s or DVD’s sorted? Is there an NFL game on? SOUTH FLORIDA 27, RUTGERS 17

FRIDAY

WASHINGTON ST. AT UNLV – Now this is more like it!!! We get the Mike Leach show on a Friday night as the crazy pirate and his band of Cougars invade Las Vegas. Now, usually when Cougars invade Las Vegas, it’s the young men under the age of 30 who benefit. This time, it’s no different. Leach will go into Las Vegas, and his biggest challenge will be keeping himself away from Treasure Island, the pirate-themed resort and hotel. COUGARS 31, MEN UNDER THIRTY 20

SATURDAY

WAKE FOREST AT FSU - This game is very, very important to me. Not because I care about the teams that are playing, because I don’t. But Wake head coach Jim Grobe looks just like my crazy Uncle Stew, and FSU head coach Jimbo Fisher looks just like my nine-year old nephew, Danbo. Except Danbo is taller. A lot, lot taller. The Seminoles look fantastic, just like ESPN told us they would, with impressive victories over the Pickens YWCA and the Oak Grove Baptist Church’s Ladies Bible Class. This week, the Demon Deacons won’t be a pushover because all of their players are redshirted and are really, really old. FSU 34, WAKE 16

VIRGINIA TECH AT PITT – The world’s greatest quarterback (Heisman Trophy campaign slogan, in case you’ve forgotten, is “He’s so tall!!!”) in Logan Thomas takes his band of Hokie Pokies into the Steel City for a date with the men of Pitt, who lost in week one to the Oak Grove Baptist Church’s Ladies Bible Class when Sister Sadie Mae Dinkins threw for 300 yards against the Panther defense. This week, it gets worse, because Thomas is much, much, much taller than Sister Dinkins, who had to stand on her pew to make the throws. Thomas is deadly when given time to complete his passes, coming in at just under 8% on the year. He won’t have a problem with Dan Marino’s old school. POKIES 20, PITT 9

LOUISIANA-MONROE AT AUBURN – UL-Monroe pulled off the upset of the week last week when they knocked off Arkansas at Wal-Mart Field, and they look to do the same this week when they travel to the Plains [watch out for Indians] to take on Gene Chizik and his band of wounded War Tiger Eagle things [and has anyone else noticed that Auburn’s mascot looks like a chipmunk with the measles? Just sayin]. Chizik is now something like 2-52 without someone named Cam Newton as his quarterback (it is actually something like 21-31) and needs a win in the worst way. Word on the street is that he is scouring Atlanta’s churches to find a preacher’s son who will be willing to quarterback for $100,000 or less. Won’t help this week, and his new original slogan [Give Women the Right to Vote!!!] simply confuses his players. Does he get a win? Auburn 20, ULM 19

UCONN AT MARYLAND – Really? This is on the schedule? I hope one of the 19 people in attendance tells me who won. Not. And since when does UConn rate playing all of the ACC’s best (snicker, snicker).The Ghost of Edsall Past 16, the Ghost of Edsall Present 13.

UTSA AT GEORGIA ST. – Again, WHO??????

PRESBYTERIAN AT VANDERBILT – I feel so sorry for Presbyterian, because they have to go to Vanderbilt this week and contend with all that SEC speed the Commodores possess, even though that speed didn’t show up in a bad loss to Northwestern. Early on, we heard that Vandy would contend for the NFC East title with the New York Giants, but have looked slightly underwhelming to me. VANDERBILT 38, PC 6

UAB AT SOUTH CAROLINA – The Blazers (hey, you can wear a blazer with jeans or khakis, I get it) travel to Columbia (not the one in Missouri) to take on head coach Steve Spurrier and the Gamecocks. Spurrier can only hope that he gets up by 60 so he can try out his new play – the flip to the wide receiver in the flat, who then throws to the halfback and back to the quarterback and then downfield to one of the midgets for a TD – cause nothing says “I am better than you” with class than a trick play when you’re winning big. Running back Marcus Lattimore has another big game – eclipsing 50 yards this time – and joins Logan Thomas as the front-runner for the Heisman. YARDBIRDS 40, COATS 10

ALABAMA AT ARKANSAS – Nick Saban takes his NFL squad into Wal-Martville, and when this one is over, there is going to need to be a clean-up on aisle five. But here is what needs to happen – Arkansas head coach John L. Smith needs to go out and hire a “recruiting coordinator” like his predecessor had, and I have the perfect gal in mind – the one with the pig on her head and the taped-up nose that sang to her pigs on YouTube after their whipping last week by Sister Dinkins. Nothing helps an old coach out like some new tricks, even though I would make her take the tape off the nose first. It still wouldn’t help. BAMA 38, ARKANSAS 17 (EDITOR’S NOTE: If you haven’t seen the video of the girl, go watch. I cried. I really did. She needs to be checked into some kind of mental care facility right away and have the tape removed from her nose. That scared me. It really did).

UNC AT LOUISVILLE – I am really excited about this game as well, because I want to see if Tyler Hansbrough’s mom shows up now that she has to pay her own way. The guess here is no, but I can see ACC Commissioner John Swofford watching the game in some far-away corner of the stadium, tears in his eyes, as the Fighting Fedora’s lose another one…..PAPA JOHNS 27, UNC 21

FLORIDA AT TENNESSEE – This game is of particular interest because….hmm…GameDay is here? The powers that be at ESPN decided this one is worthy of having the GameDay crew show up, even though better matchups exist, like UTSA at Georgia St. (WHO???). Both of these teams have dynamic offenses and defenses (not really) and this is one of those old-fashioned SEC bloodbaths that ESPN tells us is must-watch TV (it isn’t…I would rather watch the video of the pig girl.) TENNESSEE 24, FLORIDA 20

FURMAN AT CLEMSON – This game features the return of Sammy Watkins Sammy Watkins

So. Wide Receiver

#2 6-1, 205

Fort Myers, FL

View Full Profile , and his lack of chemistry with his teammates is immediately apparent as Chad Morris Chad Morris

Offensive Coordinator / QBs

View Full Profile ’ offense runs just 46 plays in the first quarter. This makes ESPN’s Heather Dinich all giddy, because she has put Clemson on Upset Alert yet again!!!! However, the offense gets it in gear by midway through the second quarter, and this one gets away from the Purple Power quite quickly, despite rushing for 300 yards on the opening drive. This one gets ugly like last week, and by midway through the fourth quarter IPTAY is doing a raffle for fans to go out on the field and play. CLEMSON 46, FURMAN 13

LAMAR AT HAWAII – I am not sure who Lamar is, but he is going to Hawaii and I hate him.

VIRGINIA AT GEORGIA TECH – I have to be honest – the only reason I watch Georgia Tech is so I can see how many times the camera shows Paul Johnson uttering a profanity, sending a local radio host into a spasm of delirium. The Bees beat up on Presbyterian last week, but have a stiffer test in Mike London’s Cavaliers. London and his Cavs have prepared for Tech’s offensive line by having assistant coaches follow his defensive linemen and linebackers to class all week and jump out from behind walls and from behind bushes, do a chop block, or fall on the ground and roll around in front of them at various times. Will it work? You bet your %&&$ this [email protected]*#*won’t (*#*$* you **$*&$&. HONEYCOMB 28, VIRGINIA 21