United Methodist Church To Split Over Whether Or Not To Be Christians

NASHVILLE, TN—Leaders from the United Methodist Church have announced a tentative plan to split the church over differences on whether or not Methodists should be Christian or some sort of social group with a vague deist motif that makes up morality based on whatever it feels like.

“There was just no way to reconcile differences,” said Rev. Lloyd Patrick, one of those dismayed by the recent push by traditionalists to follow the Bible instead of each person’s own heart. “A lot of people still want to follow Jesus -- a person from 2000 years ago who made no statements about pronouns and thus has no relevance today -- which is just silly since we all know so much more now and have a better grasp on morality than a bunch of ancient people.”

Rev. Patrick went on to describe how Christian beliefs put an unnecessary burden on people, as they can lead to ridicule or even being canceled. “I guess they don’t have to worry about that in primitive places overseas,” Rev. Patrick said, “but we can’t be expected to deal with that in the U.S.”

While most of the U.S. Methodist churches are moving in a more modern direction, away from outdated beliefs like Christianity, it’s mainly in less developed nations in places like Africa that are still hung up on things like the Bible, necessitating the split. We got no statements from anyone there, though, as it didn’t seem worth listening to such unenlightened views.

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