‘Tis the season for awards shows and for the first time ever, The Black Sheep is hosting the Sheepie Awards. Thanks to the hundreds of people who cast their vote online for this swear-to-god 100% real thing we did. Here are the winners of this year’s most prestigious honors:

Best Bar Bathroom to Drunkenly Have Sex In:

Winner: The Red Lion (44%)

TRL’s bathrooms are conveniently located right next to the main bar, making this the obvious choice for a quick romp after pounding one too many shots.

Best Bar Theme Night:

Options: Country Night, Wine Night, 8th Grade Dance Night

Winner: 8th Grade Dance Night (41%)

Ah, nostalgia. 8th Grade Dance Night is a flashback to middle school when your crush turned you down for some other booger-picking loser, except now you can drink so much you’ll forget it’s because you literally shit your pants when you went to ask her out.

Best Campus Newspaper:

Options: The Black Sheep

Winner: The Black Sheep (100%)

A clear choice for its literary prestige and honest reporting.

Worst Campus Newspaper:

Options: The Odyssey

Winner: The Odyssey (100%)

We’re not even sure how this toilet paper is even considered a publication, but when someone takes events like “Frachelor” and “Srachelor” seriously, you know they’re the worst.

Best Restaurant To Catch a Disease and a Bite to Eat At:

Options: Chopstix, Sushi Rock, Papa D’s

Winner: Papa D’s (51%)

After briefly shutting down for failing a health inspection, Papa D’s is up and running to serve drunken Illini, who probably would have never noticed the violations anyway.

Who has terrorized the UIUC campus the most?

Winner: Dennis from Sub Ex (62%)

Known for suing customers and posting personal information and odd stories on their website, Dennis is truly a menace. Watch out, word on the street is that he is going to start suing customers for even thinking bad thoughts about the company. (Editor’s Note: Dennis, don’t sue us, this was a survey!)

Most Evil Professor Award:

Options: Professor Who Gives an Exam On Unofficial, Kilgore, Susan Curtis

Winner: Professor Who Gives an Exam On Unofficial (71%)

We don’t always get up at 6 a.m., but when we do it’s to drink on Unofficial, not take an exam some asshole professor couldn’t wait one day for.

Best Football Team:

Options: Illini Football, My Buddy Rick’s Intramural Flag Football Team, Soccer

Winner: TIE: My Buddy Rick’s Intramural Flag Football Team, and Soccer (futbol) (38%)

The Illinois football team couldn’t even win this one. Plus, Rick made this sick-ass catch the other day while he was texting – like, he didn’t even see it coming.

Most Hipster Spot on Campus:



Winner: Café Paradiso (48%)

This coffee shop is so hipster that it’s even in Urbana. Don’t even think about going in for a $5 cup of coffee if you’re going to ask for anything non-organic or non-soy, because they won’t serve your mainstream ass. Plus, the baristas wear nose rings.

Most Overrated Place to Eat on Campus:

Options: Kofusion, the Ike, Chipotle

Winner: Chipotle (45%)

Located in the heart of Green Street, Chipotle is always completely packed with a guaranteed 20-minute wait in line. And for what, an $8 burrito? No thanks, and we won’t be paying the extra $1.90 for guac.



Worst Way to Get Home:

Winner: Suburban Express (66%)

It’s another win for Sub Ex at The Sheepies, and Dennis should be proud. Sub Ex is the worst way to get home because it’s not only unreliable, but you’ll probably get sued for even reading this paragraph.

The Most Basic Things You Hear on Green Street:

Winner: “The line at Chipotle is WAY too long.” (49%)

Another reason why Chipotle is so overrated is because it’s basic as fuck. Everyone has seen someone walk by looking into the window and walking away because the line goes back to the drink machines, muttering about how the wait is too long. Basic.

And The Worst Roommate Award Goes To:

Options: Chad, Tracy, Yours

Winner: Chad (54%)

Chad’s a total asshole, and we all know it. He always brings people over when we’re trying to study and never does his dishes. He clogs the shower drain with his hair and blames you when the electricity goes out because he didn’t pay his share of the rent.

Biggest DILF on Campus:

Options: Robert Easter, Professor Snodgrass, Grainger Bob

Winner: Grainger Bob (50%)

Bob is not only a smart dude, but is well deserving of the DILF award because of his rock-solid bod and seductive stare.

Complaint of The Year:

Options: “There’s too much construction here,” “McKinley sucks dick,” “It’s too cold to walk 10 minutes to class.”

Winner: “It’s too cold to walk 10 minutes to class.” (44%)

Illinois winters are brutal, and UIUC students should be prepared to have the same conversation every day from December through April about how cold the weather is.

Diagnosis Of The Year (Sponsored by McKinley):

Options: Ebola, measles, a sore throat

Winner: Ebola (46%)

You thought you just had a sore throat when you went into McKinley the other day, but surprise, bitch, you have Ebola! Doctors will write you a note to get out of class for one week.

Best Game The Illini ALMOST Won:

Winner: Illinois Loses in the I-Forgot-Bowl, 35-18 (39%)



After raising their fan base’s hopes, the Illini disappointed in what should have been a chance at redemption. JUST FALL ON THE GROUND JIHAD, JESUS CHRIST WE WOULD’VE WON THE GAME.