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PLANS have been put in place to ‘wrap up’ rural Ireland by 2019, completing a 50-year-long the process that has rapidly picked up pace over the last decade.

Having worked hard to decommission the rail service that linked towns and villages all over Ireland in the seventies, as well as closing dozens of Garda stations over the last five years, the government is to stand back and allow An Post to shut down up to 400 post offices in rural Ireland over the next year, which will be followed by the closure of everything else over the next eighteen months.

People living in rural Ireland have been advised that there will soon be ‘fuck all else left for them’, and that their best course of action would be to move to their nearest town before the bulldozers are sent in to scrape the countryside into the sea.

“Getting rid of rural Ireland answers so many culchie questions,” said spokesperson for the Rural Ireland Eradication Scheme, James Hennessey, “such as ‘when are you going to provide a decent broadband network?’ and ‘what are you going to do about crime in rural Ireland?’ or my favourite ‘how come the suicide rate in rural Ireland is so high?’

“Come 2020, those little things will all be sorted, ‘cos rural Ireland is going in the friggin’ bin,” he confirmed.

With rural Ireland gone, Dublin will now span over 80% of the country, with areas as far as Cahirciveen in County Kerry being re-named Dublin 764.