THE prime minister has two choices. To edge down the narrow pathway to a Brexit deal, or to commit an act of self-abuse that will ruin everything. Which will he choose?

Going for a deal

If he gets a Brexit deal with the EU through Parliament, Johnson would go down in history. Certain to win an election as the man who united a divided country, he would reshape the Conservatives – and Britain – in his own image. Sounds an awful lot like hard work. Wrecking the UK would be easier.

Walking out

Any Brexit deal would involve long negotiations with the EU, which seems like the very thing we voted against. If Brexit’s about anything, surely it’s about having no time for foreigners and their jibber-jabber. Better just to not bother and hope for the best.

Wanking off

For some, becoming prime minister is about serving the country. For others, becoming prime minister was an easy way out of a dead-end PR job. But for Johnson, becoming prime minister was a big old wank in the nation’s face. A bit of Brexit brinksmanship right now would be just the thing.

Boris droop

Whapping out the old de Pfeffel is fine in a fantasy when everyone’s impressed, but the first inklings are beginning to stir that it won’t work quite like that in real life. Instead Johnson may find himself standing, trousers around ankles, being gawped at by the world’s leaders like a masturbating chimp in a cruel zoo.

Cui bono

Who do you really want to serve, as prime minister? The people? The new definition of the people, which begins with the 17.4m who voted Leave and subtracts all the weaklings who’ve selfishly changed their minds or died? Or the right-wing press? Well, can ‘the people’ offer a seven-figure position post-resignation?

Maximum clarity

Any Brexit deal with the EU will then have to pass through Parliament, then the Lords, then there will probably need to be an extension, then there’s the whole political agreement and trade deal to negotiate post-Brexit, which is apparently the difficult bit. On the other hand, you know where you are with a wank.