Hello all. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, where you saw all your extended family, and in Alexis’ case, slept with a few. Blood is thicker than condoms, as they say in her trailer park.

Anyway, MTV, like the true terrorist group they are, ran a fucking episode of this D-list trash the night before Thanksgiving, right in the middle of my prime hometown drinking time.

ME, SEEING A NEW EPISODE ON MY DVR THE FRIDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING:

So yeah, I’ll be trying to include parts from last week’s episode in this recap as well, so this show doesn’t feel more nonsensical than it already is. LOL, like that’s hard.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

If you thought you would miss a week of this show and they would actually improve during that week, have I got news for you!

They get three beams, on week nine. Terrence J is like, “That’s the lowest anyone has ever gotten on this show,” and it’s like, okay, that depends on your definition of “low.” Like, between possibly losing the money and going home with an STD, this whole show is rock bottom.

Don’t worry though, guys—Keith, the guy who wears spandex American Flag shorts and looks like every man I have ever avoided at the bar, has got this!

Apparently, he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech, which actually sounds like something every guy you avoid at the bar would say. I trust Keith about as much as the American public trusts our president.

According to Keith, Michael and Keyana are a match. Everyone is like, fuuuuuuuck really? While Keyana is like fuuuuuuuuck you all; I told you. I’m rooting for them to be a match, but I’m also 79% sure Michael will eventually bat for the other team. You can trust me, I studied statistics at Virginia Tech.

Shad is openly skeptical about this whole “blindly trusting Keith” thing, and I can’t blame him. But then again, who could you trust? A dude named Shad? We’re honestly between a rock and a dude with an IQ of a rock here.

Michael is so happy he can openly flirt with Geles now that he and Audrey are a no-match. They’ve been talking about their sexual chemistry for eight episodes now, and it’s like, we get it, you wanna bone.

PERSON IN THE HOUSE: Wow, the weather is really nice today.

MICHAEL AND GELES: Honestly, we have so much sexual chemistry we need to release.

They release the sexual chemistry on the bed that Zoe is literally sleeping in, in the communal area, in front of Audrey. 3/3 for being the worst kind of people. Like, you heathens couldn’t even go to the Boom Boom Room? I know Geles is made up of 80% eyelashes and extensions, but somewhere in that body there has to be a brain to tell her that this is fucking gross.

Audrey is crying to Shad, and he’s like, “You’re the whole package, and you can have my whole package too.”

Shad goes into this whole talk about how women are like weather, and he’s like an oak tree that can withstand the weather, hence why he is perfect for Audrey. Okay, I’ll have what Shad’s having.

SHAD: *hits blunt* I’m like, a tree, ya know?

DD and Kareem are bonding over the fact that they both are from the same state, and they both “hate being screwed over.” Wow, what a shocking coincidence. It’s so amazing when you have an unbreakable bond with someone who shares the same generic and obvious traits as you. Love is beautiful.

Meanwhile, at a Donald Trump rally near you, Keith and Alexis are still dating. Honestly, Alexis must have a platinum vagina, because the fact that Keith still is with her after she told him to die in a car crash and then hysterically introduced him to her stuffed bunny rabbit friend is inspiring. I once told a dude I didn’t like avocado, and he asked for the check.

Oh, to be young and redneck.

THE CHALLENGE

For the challenge they need to have one of three couples go in, Dimetri/DD, Clinton/Geles, or Nicole/Tyler, so they can finally get a fucking perfect match.

The guys will get asked a question about the girls, and if they are wrong (or don’t answer first), then they need to move a pole from a tower that has balls in it. If the ball falls, that person is out. That felt really technical…. Let’s throw in a “fuck” in here to keep it up to brand.

Anyway, Keith, Tyler, and Anthony—the guy with the lisp that haunts me in my dreams—win.

Keith takes DD because she hasn’t been on a date yet, which is kind of nice. Anthony takes Zoe to low-key piss off Geles, which I approve of. And Tyler picks Nicole, obvi.

They are going to a haunted mansion, which sounds like the worst date ever. If my date tried to take me there, I would just scream, “I don’t like avocado,” and hope he takes my ass home.

TBH, no house could possibly be scarier than Anthony’s ripped jeans. They really need to win this money so this poor boy can afford actual clothes. Poor Tyler, he knows that if shit goes down, that he’s going to be the first to go.

Duh, because he’s the largest and easiest to grab! Get your head out of the MAGA gutter!

Anthony says to Zoe, “You were the girl I wanted to date since day one,” which is some babyback bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.

ANTHONY: I liked you from the moment I saw you.

ME:

Zoe refuses to have sex with get close to Anthony because she is friends with Geles, which is—wait for it—fucking stupid, since Geles and Anthony haven’t been a match since the beginning of time. I mean, if Zoe was like, “I can’t get to know him because of his speech impediment,” I’d be like, fair enough.

Nicole tells Tyler that she likes to date shitty guys and then fix them, and Tyler’s like, “Oh, so you’re the worst kind of girl ever, then. Got it.” He tells her that she has the system all wrong because he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech it never works.

They start making out and downing wine, which is always a great start to a relationship. Even though Nicole still looks like she is in physical pain being with Tyler, I am still rooting for them.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Obviously, everyone sends Tyler and Nicole to the truth booth. And thank you sweet baby Jesus, they are a perfect match.

The house is super excited, and they start singing a made up song about AYTO. Worst remake of High School Musical EVER.

ME, WATCHING THIS:

Geles and Clinton are talking—and by talking, I mean, Geles is shoving her tits in Clinton’s face—while Clinton is asking Jesus for forgiveness for thinking impure thoughts. Uche walks by, super pissed off, and Geles is like, “She kind of scares me.” Really? Uche’s personality is on par with paint drying on a wall, so the only way she could hurt you is like, by boring you to death.

Geles is low-key begging Clinton to make out with her, and this is what I imagine is going through Clinton’s dumb but pretty head:

Eventually, Clinton goes back to Uche. He’s been really tired lately, and he figures a 10 minute conversation with her will put him straight to sleep.

MY MOM: Say what you will about Geles, but at least she’s getting to know all the guys in the house.

Yes, I’m sure Geles is very popular.

OTHER SHIT

The house decides to practice out the strategy with Keith acting as Trump and Alexis acting as Sarah Sanders. Shad takes the role of the FBI and decides to question wtf is going on here.

Keith asks Shad if he thinks he and Audrey are a match, and Shad’s like, “Well yeah, because when you see yourself in five years…” and Keith is like, “WRONG! That’s not an answer. Crooked Shad! Always Lying! I’m the best at answers, believe me.”

Shad keeps trying to explain himself, and literally, no one lets him fucking speak. Alexis is like, “Don’t listen to Shad, he’s dumb. Keith is smart.” Alexis, you literally have a third grade education. A fucking high school junior is like Einstein to you.

They are basing this whole strategy on either Joe and Zoe being a match or Shad and Audrey being a match. Though Shad swears to god they are, he’s sadly disregarded (much like our FBI), and they go with the dumber solution instead.

I want justice for Shad. #TheResistance

THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Keith is hoping this match-up gives them more information, so ya know, he can Virginia Tech this thing up. For a guy so good at math, he should know the odds of Alexis killing him one day are like, really high.

Anthony goes first and picks Uche. Well, there’s a couple I would never associate with ever.

Joe picks Zoe, because strategy.

Dimitri picks Audrey. After last week and his bullshit with Jada (he basically was the biggest dick to her because he didn’t want to be her match), Dimitri, or Demitri or whatever the fuck his name is, can eat a bag of dicks. JADA DOES NOT DESERVE YOU PEOPLE.

Shad picks Alivia, who is offering her first born child for this to not be real.

Clinton picks Geles obvi.

Uche gives Geles the go-ahead “to do whatever she wants with Clinton,” and Geles is like, “See all the roadblocks stopping me from getting to know Clinton!!!!!!! So many obstacles!!!!!”

Malcolm picks Alexis. LOL, like Alexis would ever bring Malcolm home to mom and dad.

Keith is up next. Everyone is, like, very concerned about this strategy, especially Shad. Shad tries to speak again, and Keith tells him to shut the fuck up. Normally, I would be rooting for a fight here, but Keith would wipe the floor with Shad’s Abercrombie ass.

It’s so hard having to watch two dudes you love, but also equally hate, fight. :/

Keith picks Jada.

Ethan picks Nurys. Yeah, that’s another fight I wouldn’t bet on. How in the world is Ethan going to handle Nurys’ dick?

Kareem picks DD because they have so much in common. I mean, did you see how she has teeth AND he has teeth?! Unreal!

Michael picks Keyana, who is ready to be petty AF when it turns out she is right. YAS GURL.

So, they end up getting five out of 11, which is like, not good. But what do I know? I didn’t study statistics and math at Virginia Tech.