My Story - 20min read.

On December 23rd 2015, with my whole family home for Christmas, I interrupted the light evening conversation and stuttered. “So I’ve got, um … something to say. It’s probably best everyone sits down”. There was an awkward dis-ease in the lounge. It was clearly obvious I was nervous and that this request was quite out of the ordinary.

I reached for my laptop and read this short passage out.

******

Over the last 5+ years, I’ve been battling with my faith. As it stands right now, I have very serious doubts about the Christian faith. The more I have studied and searched, the more I find the arguments for a belief in God to be built on very shaky foundations, a failure to think critically and an ignorance of the strong evidence around us. My search for the truth has come to a point that it’s become quite hard to continue identifying myself as a Christian. I really struggle to believe in the Christian God or a God of any kind at all. I just don’t see any good evidence to believe in one, but I do find many compelling reasons not to.

I’m not opposed to there being a God. I would 100% love to believe in a God, especially one with the attributes the Christian God has. And I’m completely open to God showing himself to me, but for various reasons I highly doubt this will happen.

Through this journey I’ve been on, my heart has been to genuinely seek and find the truth, and that’s all. There’s no alternative motive to this. I’m not running away from God to justify living a life of sin. I’m not hurt by the church or anyone in particular. I’m not hurt by personal experiences in my past. All I want is to make sense of this world and have a belief that is real to me.

My journey hasn’t stopped. I’m still searching for a truth that makes sense to me and I’m going about it as honestly as I can. I just see no point in being wilfully ignorant about the world around me, and blindly living a faith full of holes.

Where ever the truth takes me, I’m happy to go. I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but right now it’s taking me in the opposite direction to believing in any God at all.

******

I never ever thought my story would read like this. Over the last few years of searching, I have made a complete reversal in what I believe. Even now it still blows me away how massive the change in my worldview has been.

I remember while at University some 13 years ago, I was walking down the driveway to the hostel I was living at and clearly remember thinking two things. 1: I know that I know that I know, that the Christian God exists. And 2: Everyone else knows he exists too, but they’re just too dishonest and self-centred to admit it.

It’s actually quite scary how much things have changed since then.

My Christian Life:

To give you a brief insight to where I came from, here’s a brief history of my life as a Christian.

I was brought up within a rich Christian heritage. My great grandparents were strong Christians. So was both my grandparents and all my aunties, uncles and cousins on both sides of the family. My Mum, Dad and all my siblings are strong Christians too.

I went to church every Sunday from day dot. At about 4 or 5 years old, I gave my heart to the Lord Jesus and became a Christian. I was a shy boy who quite happily accepted what I was told about God. My whole world was surrounded and shaped by Christian thought and culture. I never had any reason to question it all.

I lived a pretty clean Christian life. I went to Sunday school every single week. Youth group as a teenager. No non-Christian girlfriends. No drugs, no alcohol, no un-Christian parties. I read the bible cover to cover, many other Christian books and only ever listened to Christian music. I received prophecy, got baptised in water, spoke in tongues and got slain in the spirit. I attended church retreats, easter camps, and many parachute festivals. I raised my hands and was deeply moved during worship services.

I regularly prayed to God and he spoke to me through his word. I prayed for godly wisdom and I felt I had the Holy Spirit living within me.

And all this was of my own genuine desire. I could see the positive aspects of Christianity working in me and it really was beneficial in my everyday life. It shaped me into someone with a strong identity, morals and an optimistic outlook on life. It gave me a place to offload my worries and somewhere to channel the awe and beauty I saw in life.

Christianity really worked for me, and I know it has worked for many others too. In some cases, quite powerfully indeed.

I felt there was a strong spiritual blessing on our family, handed down from the generations before me. I knew God had a strong plan for my life. He was keeping me pure so I could be used powerfully in his kingdom. This is kind of embarrassing to show you, but here’re a few notes I journaled over the years on the calling I felt I had.