At greatest risk for suicide, transgender students often feel unsafe in their own schools

GERMANTOWN - When TJ Esser thinks about his future, he smiles. He wants to work as a biomedical engineer and design prosthetic limbs. The Germantown High School sophomore is a perfectionist in school, a jokester, a people person.

That's who TJ has always been, even before he was called TJ, even when people saw him as a girl. Before coming out as transgender, TJ's vision for his future had one big cloud: He couldn't see himself as a wife.

"Now it's like, 'I'm going to have a wife one day, and I'm going to be able to have kids and raise a family and impact a little kid's life someday, and that'll be good," TJ said. "That'll be important."

TJ, who is 15, sees a therapist to help with some anxiety issues, but he said the therapy is more helpful for his family. He doesn't have severe mental illness. He doesn't think about suicide. He has a strong sense of identity and has felt supported by family, peers and his school.

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TJ lives in a state where youth suicide rates are above average and transgender students are most at risk. Two counties over from TJ's home, a 2015 survey had alarming results. About 65 percent of transgender students said they'd recently thought about killing themselves; 35 percent said they had tried.

Transgender students are less likely to feel safe at school, less likely to have trusted adults and more likely to be bullied. Many report holding their bladders all day to avoid confrontation. Some teachers refuse to recognize their gender.

But TJ's experience points to a different path that is possible for young people — one that could save their lives.

There's no mandated process for Wisconsin school districts to accommodate transgender and gender non-conforming students — such as making a safety-planning team, providing comfortable access to bathrooms, and teaching staff how to respect student's identities.

While the state has a federal grant to help 15 districts foster safe and supportive environments for these students, there are about 400 other districts carving their own paths.

'Linked to mental challenges'

Being transgender typically means that a person's gender doesn't match the sex they were assigned at birth. Some people, who may or may not consider themselves transgender, don't feel their gender identity fits neatly into the two choices of male or female. Those students may identify as gender nonconforming or use other terms.

Historically, being transgender has been linked to mental health challenges. Until 2012, "gender identity disorder" was listed in the professional manual for diagnosing mental illness.

More recently, health professionals have recognized that being transgender or gender nonconforming is not — on its own — a basis for mental health challenges. Rather, discrimination on the basis of gender can contribute to mental health challenges.

"We have kids who are feeling unsupported by friends and family members and that leads to increased anxiety," said Jacquelyn Smith, a pediatric psychologist at Children's Hospital who helps run a support group for transgender and gender-nonconforming youth. "But when these kids are in situations where they feel supported, they do really well."

TJ, who is part of Smith's group, can relate.

"A lot of people look at it as something to fix; something's wrong," TJ said. "It's not that something's wrong. It's that something's right and you need to follow that."

No more dresses

TJ always hated dresses.

"When I was younger, my wardrobe was basketball shorts, Nike T-shirts and a backwards hat," he said. "And when I had to dress up for something, it was World War III."

He had an especially hard time with his First Communion. He had to wear a dress and get his hair done for the ceremony. He changed as soon as he got home before the family's guests arrived for the party.

"I was like, no, I'm not changing back into the dress," TJ said. "You missed it. Snooze you lose."

When puberty hit, TJ said, he realized the issue was deeper than a few outfits. He started to find language for how he was feeling by watching YouTube videos made by other transgender people around the world.

By eighth grade, TJ knew he was transgender. When his sister figured it out, she told her parents they needed to talk with TJ. Their mom, Jill, confronted him.

TJ recalled: "I said 'I'm trans.' And she was like, 'What does that mean?' And I was like, well, this is going to be a trip."

Jill said the news was difficult. She said she grieved, letting go of the idea that TJ was her daughter. But she and her husband Erik got to work studying up. She found a support group for parents of transgender kids.

Now Jill is one of TJ's greatest allies. She educates others, gives him his testosterone injections, and fought an insurance policy that was preventing TJ from getting chest surgery before he's 18. The family found out they won that fight Tuesday. It will mean TJ no longer has to bind his chest, which he said causes pain and restricts his breathing, particularly when playing sports.

Before TJ started high school, the family made a Facebook page to come out to the wider community.

"We just went on and said this is who our son is: He's a great kid and still has that heart and generosity that he always has," Jill said.

At school, TJ said his friends were very supportive. Peers and staff were mostly respectful as well, though there have been some issues.

The summer before freshman year, TJ met with the assistant principal and his guidance counselor. They suggested he use the female staff bathroom, and he said no. Then they offered the staff bathroom in the school's office, and he agreed. TJ wasn't sure if he wanted to use the boys' bathroom.

"People knew me prior to transitioning and I didn't want push-back or stares from people in the bathroom or locker room," TJ said.

While most people have respected his pronouns (using "he, his and him" in reference to him), he said he has had two teachers who insisted on using "she, her and hers" despite everyone else in the class using the right pronouns. In one case, he let it go. In another case, he dropped the class.

Patchwork of policies

Wisconsin officials have limited information about transgender students. The 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Survey asked students whether they are transgender, but the state Department of Public Instruction has not yet released information about how these students responded to the other questions on the survey about comfort, safety and mental health.

About 2.2 percent of Wisconsin students identified as transgender, and it was more common among younger students. The survey did not ask about students who identify as gender non-conforming.

The numbers of openly transgender and non-conforming students are growing, officials agree. There's now an understanding that gender exists on a spectrum that doesn't have to be defined by anatomy, said Sawyer Johnson, a program coordinator for GSAFE. The group is a Madison-based nonprofit that helps schools build safer environments for LGBTQ+ youth in Wisconsin.

Dane County offers a more detailed picture of transgender students. Schools there participated in an expanded version of the state survey, and county officials released 2015 data to GSAFE to analyze results for transgender students.

GSAFE found:

Johnson said only half of Wisconsin students attend schools that have non-discrimination policies that protect students on the basis of gender identity and expression. The state Department of Public Instruction offers model policy on this but does not require districts to use it.

Many districts are currently considering new policies and facilities for transgender and gender nonconforming students.

In Wisconsin Rapids, school officials recently added a gender-neutral bathroom to plans for a new locker room. Matthew Green, director of pupil services, said staff members have mostly been supportive of transgender students but he hopes staff continue to get training to address persistent biases.

"I think some people have more of a traditional feeling toward gender roles," Green said.

In Neenah, a district committee is preparing to present new policy to the school board, following the lead of the Menasha Joint School District.

"I think we sat back initially because it was so controversial," said Mike Altekruse, mental health coordinator for the Neenah School District. "And we did get backlash, but these are minorities of folks."

Altekruse said school surveys showed that LGBT students were struggling with mental health challenges related to not being accepted. He said some staff have had issues using the right pronouns for students, especially those who don't use "he" or "she," but use gender neutral pronouns like "they" or "ze."

That's one example of why Johnson said GSAFE recommends that districts implement staff training alongside policies that honor students' names and pronouns.

Fifteen Wisconsin school districts — including Appleton, Green Bay, Fond du Lac, Wausau and Milwaukee — have received special funding for such training under a federal grant facilitated by the state Department of Public Instruction.

Other districts interested in building safer school environments can contact DPI or GSAFE for guidance.

Reflecting on teachers and others who've said hurtful things, TJ said he thinks their resistance comes from fear.

"I think people are afraid, simply because people don't like change. And they're afraid that we are a change. And we're not. We've always been around," TJ said. "But kids now are a lot more accepting and I think that scares a lot of adults. They're not used to accepting people that are different than them.

"This is our world. This is our future."