New+Enthused: Hi, everyone. I was in my boss’s office a few days ago, and I noticed that he was writing with a fountain pen. I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone actually use one before, and I said so. He offered to let me try it—and it was love at first “write.” Now I want to buy a fountain pen for myself, but first I thought I’d ask some of you veterans, which is the best nib: extra fine, fine, medium, or broad?

PenLover99: Welcome, New! You’ve just joined a brother-slash-sisterhood linked by a shared passion for all things chirographic. As for which is the “best” nib, I don’t know that there’s any such thing. I myself like a nice broad nib, or, as I like to call it, a “bold” nib, because that’s exactly how I feel when writing with one (wink). (I don’t use emojis.)

ClassicsFan: Yes, New, welcome! This is the place for opinions on every aspect of fountain pens, most of them offered unsolicited by PenLover99. (Just kidding, PL.) While I suppose that broad nibs have their place, personally, I swear by my fine nib. It produces a line that not only looks elegant; I think it bespeaks a quiet confidence.

New+Enthused: Thanks for making me feel so welcome, everyone! Question, ClassicsFan—it kind of sounds like you don’t really like broad nibs at all?

ClassicsFan: That’s not it, exactly. I just think some people rely on line width to project the illusion of profundity while disguising the fact that they actually have nothing of substance to say.

PenLover99: Referring to whom, exactly?

ClassicsFan: I didn’t mean you.

PenLover99: Didn’t you?

PenWonk: Actually, the luxury of having any choice at all in nib width is a relatively recent phenomenon. People forget that though scholars have found references to reservoir pens dating as far back as 973 A.D., the “modern” fountain pen wasn’t patented until 1827.

PenLover99: I’ll tell you what a fine point says to me. It says, “Here’s a thin, nondescript line that I hope you mistake for ballpoint ink, because I’m too insecure to admit to the world that I use a fountain pen.”

PenWonk: Guys, I don’t think nib width is really that big of a deal. Remember, if European monasteries hadn’t preserved calligraphic traditions during the Dark Ages, we might not be talking about pens at all!

PenLover99: Really off topic, PenWonk.

ClassicsFan: Yeah. Take it over to the History and Lore thread.

NotFooled: Your prissy little argument is entertaining, but you’re all completely missing the larger point—pun NOT intended, because puns are a device They employ to distract you from the truth. Do you not see that the puppet masters WANT you to use a fountain pen, because the ink runs and fades and one day a hundred years from now they can tell your grandchildren, “There’s no evidence that your forebears ever wrote anything down, probably because they knew their belief system wasn’t worth preserving—now prostrate yourselves and submit”?

ClassicsFan: Right on cue, here comes Captain Conspiracy. Hey, NotFooled—did you ever hear of permanent ink? Why don’t you take a break from your pen paranoia once in a while and walk into a Staples?

PenLover99: Yeah, NotFooled. Go to the Morgan Library and look at some medieval manuscripts before you start spouting your Black Helicopter crap here.

ClassicsFan: Right. The Morgan Library. La-di-da, Mr. Ivy League.

PenLover99: ANYBODY CAN GO TO THE MORGAN LIBRARY. You’re the one who used the word “profundity.” Now who’s a member of the élite?

NotFooled: The globalist élite?!?

PenLover99: No, just the regular élite.

PenWonk: Actually, to your earlier point, ClassicsFan, permanent ink is even older than you think. The Chinese were using pigment inks in 2500 B.C.

ClassicsFan: Shut up, Matt.

PenLover99: Yeah, shut up, Matt.

PenWonk: Come on, guys, use my forum name!

New+Enthused: You know, I really didn’t mean to start anything. This whole pen business is a lot more complicated than I realized! I think I’m just going to stick with my trusty rollerball.

PenLover99: Rollerball?!?! Who are you, anyway?

ClassicsFan: He’s a bot, obviously.

PenLover99: Nice try, bot! Give my best to Vladimir!

NotFooled: He means Hillary!

ClassicsFan: He means the Kochs!

Cursive4Ever: Hey, everybody, I’m new to fountain pens, and I’m just wondering, which kind of ink is better: cartridge or bottle?

PenLover99: Go to hell.