Liberals have been mourning the deaths of terrorists in Kashmir for the past few days, but now even the God has jumped on the bandwagon and expressed his concern. The reason for his concern, though, is entirely different, and is believed to be the shortfall of virgins in heaven.

Several centuries ago, God reportedly promised human race of a certain ethnicity that upon death, every believer will go to heaven where the individual will be granted the company of 72 virgins (along with other entitlements which no one paid attention to).

Since then, people have been embracing death over life and the number of unnatural deaths started to rise at an alarming rate. And eventually, God became a victim of the high expectations he raised among his followers.

As the situation turned uncomfortable, he was left with no option but to issue a sermon via Peace TV, a hugely popular channel among his intended addressees opting for unnatural deaths, and urged them not to die.

Explaining the crisis, Dr. Zakir Naik, the founder and president of Peace TV, said, “See brothers, we have a situation here. God has informed me that there is no virgin left in heaven. So, you cannot die now.”

“But we were told that 72 virgins are awaiting us in heaven,” asked an impressionable youth.

“Yes, they were there but not anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“They have…ahem, I mean, the process….,” he took a deep breath and said, “See brother, it would be virtually impossible for me to explain the issue without sounding like a misogynist. I have already been labeled a terrorist, which is fine. I will get the support of liberals across India and I can deal with this. But once I am profiled as a misogynist, the same liberals will denounce me and will treat me like a war prisoner every time I meet them. So just remember, dying under the current circumstances is not permissible in Islam. Thank you.”

God did not want to take a chance and decided to personally discuss the situation with the army, who have been mercilessly killing innocent terrorists. He appeared in their dreams and said, “See, I would urge you to refrain from killing the terrorists. I understand they open fire at you, but I am sure, you can resolve your differences amicably. Ask your liberals and they will advise you on this. Moreover, if you die, it’s not going to be a major problem for your God as you haven’t been promised anything. You were just vaguely told about heaven and hell, and so you are mentally prepared for afterlife uncertainties.”

Meanwhile, the terrorists who died in the past few days are waiting in heaven to discuss with God the process of meeting those 72 virgins. Unfortunately, God is avoiding them and has put a board ‘out for lunch’ on his office door.

They have been asked to wait in the hall where they are currently watching Peace TV.