When do we have to stop calling this weather a “heat wave” and accept that July is a real thing that has to happen once a year, every year, until you’re lucky enough to die during winter?

This is no heat wave.

This is Kathy Bates in Misery.

But instead of tying Summer up to a four poster bed and breaking its ankles with a hammer in a very, very calculated way, I’m going to make Gazpacho. Those were honestly my only two options. Summer is a hell of a drug.

A couple little twists to make this Gazpacho special…

First off, have you ever heard of Rick’s Picks Windy City Wasabeans? No? I’m afraid to inform you that you are not aware of what living is. It might be thanks to the 5 months I spent in New Orleans or just the simple fact that pickled green beans are the nectar of the tiny vegetarian girl gods, but they belong in everything. Gazpacho included.

Also? Banana rings. I’ve gone through almost an entire jar in about 4 days. Not only do they make lovely garnishes, they bring a certain added brightness to the Gazpacho that can only be matched by Ryan Gosling’s twinkling bespectacled eyes. Stalk Try as I may, I was unable to bottle that. Banana rings it is.

Gazpacho

makes six servings, 6-7oz each

Adapted from You’ve Got to Taste This and Shape Magazine

I get off the subway a thousand stops too early after a full day of work to gather these things at Whole Foods because I’m a sucker:

3 medium tomatoes

2 cups cucumber, diced (I used 2 Kirby cucumbers because WF had Kirby cucumbers? And I peeled one and left one unpeeled because?)

1 medium orange bell pepper, diced

2 oz wasabeans (or another pickled green bean), diced

50g shallots, finely diced

1/2 oz or so banana pepper rings

1 clove of garlic, minced

1/2 cup low sodium vegetable stock

1 cup tomato juice

1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

tabasco to taste

pepper to taste

Optional garnishes:

goat cheese crumbles

feta crumbles

more pickled green beans

even more banana peppers

basil

a spoon

Let’s beat the heat with a baseball bat and our good looks:

Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil. Plop your tomatoes in there and let them blanche briefly, until the skin just breaks a bit. Remove from the pot and peel your tomatoes. Dice them and remove the seeds as best you can. Then try harder, you can do better.

In a food processor or chopping implement of some sort, puree about 3/4 worth of your chopped vegetables (tomato, cucumber, bell pepper, pickled green beans, shallots, banana rings), all of your garlic, the vegetable stock, and half of the tomato juice until smooth. Put in a large bowl, add the apple cider vinegar, remaining tomato juice, tabasco, and pepper and whisk a bit. Add the remaining diced veggies. Toss in the fridge for a few hours. Serve in a fancy pants way with some of my suggested garnishes or go nuts and put something else on there. You’re a grown up now and you can do whatever you like.