Opinionated arseholes ‘really looking forward to election’, report shows

With less than five months to go to a general election, the highly opinionated people in your social circle are already gearing up for what will be the highlight of their year.

Retailers across the country have reported a sharp rise in sales of Red Bull and adult nappies, guaranteeing you a non-stop service of unhinged comments about the democratic process from people you’ll soon regret ever adding on Facebook.

Maddie Jones, from Rhyl, said, “There’s Tim, who I’ve not seen since school and only friended out of curiosity.”

“He’s really into UKIP now and says things like ‘EUSSR’ a lot. He already called my mum a traitor and a LibLabCon stooge because she went to Brussels for a weekend, and I don’t even know what that means.”

“Then there’s Annabelle from work who’s Green and spends about twenty hours a day online telling people to use less electricity.”

“She also links to nothing but articles about fairness from the Guardian and petitions about desperately uninteresting shit, really.”

“I wish she’d post something else. Cat pictures, maybe. Or invitations to play Bubble Witch. Anything. At all. Please.”

“And that was at Christmas. God knows what either of them will be like come May.”

Election 2015

Meanwhile, in Glasgow, Maddie’s friend Callum said, “If Maddie says anything I can twist or misinterpret as being critical of Scottish independence I’ll be there, and if she disagrees with Alex Salmond then

God help her.”

“I plan to show her how much I value our friendship by calling her evil and stupid at every opportunity if she tries to disagree with me.”

When asked how she plans to vote, Maddie said, “Britain First. I’ve got loads of their patriotic material that I’m planning to post.”

“And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go back to where they came from.”