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“My partner has a low libido, and being expected to initiate sex every time is starting to wear on my confidence. How do I lessen the impact this has on my relationship and my self-esteem? And if we don’t make it, how do I avoid this in the future?” —Reilly, Halifax

I feel you, girl. Oooh, boy, do I feel you. Hi. I’m Briony, and I’m a high-desire person, i.e., I’ve been the hornier one in most of my relationships and flings. Now, this is stressful enough, but being the high-desire partner and a woman is its own special hell. This is because we have been conditioned our entire lives to believe that men want to have sex all the time and women don’t. Want to rev him up? Just slip him your panties under the restaurant table! He will jump you the second you get home! This glorious future I was promised never came to be. My (male) partners seldom had a higher libido than me.

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I’ve noticed a similar pattern among my female friends, many of whom have gone through breakups over desire discrepancy. Many of them suffered for years, crying to me about the emotional toll the rejection and lack of regular action took on them.

So why do these stereotypes persist? “If you think of the way that we talk to young girls about sex, or the way that we’re socialized as girls, it’s very non-sexual. There’s no encouragement of masturbation or self-exploration, and then, even into adulthood, there’s no emphasis on female pleasure,” says sex and relationships researcher Kristen Mark, director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at University of Kentucky. “You really have to call out and challenge those societal messages that people are receiving, because some people don’t think about it that way, which is what makes it particularly painful.”

Don’t worry: Your high libido is perfectly fine. And you’re not alone! So, how can you deal with your low-libido partner? Once you’ve addressed the more clear-cut culprits—hormone imbalance or meds, serious work stress, depression, etc.—there are a few things you can try to help you sync up better.

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

When your partner doesn’t want to hit it, it can make you feel hideous, frankly. Am I ugly? Do they not like my body anymore? Am I doing something wrong in bed? This can cause your self-esteem to plummet, but it is so, so important to remember that this is not your fault. Repeat after me, Good Will Hunting-styles: It is not your fault. It has everything to do with where your partner is at.

Desire discrepancies are incredibly common. And they can change over time, too; one day, you might be the one who is perennially unhorny. “Anyone who is in a long-term relationship should expect that, at some point in time, their desire is going to differ from their partner’s. We have such a variety of reasons why our own sexual desire as an individual fluctuates, and so you can’t possibly anticipate that it’s going to stay the same throughout a long-term relationship,” Mark says. “It doesn’t always have to be a bad thing for the relationship. Some of our research is finding that [having realistic] expectations and knowing that it is actually quite normal, and you may not have sexual desire consistently for your partner throughout your relationship, really helps to protect you against the negative effect on satisfaction.”

Instead of quivering with rage at your partner’s lack of enthusiasm, try and have a little empathy. They probably feel awful that they aren’t in the mood as much as you, and harping at them about it will just make them feel worse. It’s also important to show them that you appreciate it when they do put out—rather than complaining that they should do it more.

COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE

Screaming “Why won’t you fuck me?!” may feel cathartic in the moment, but it won’t help anyone. Neither will bringing it up every night, no matter how calmly. Pick your time (out of the bedroom) and communicate with compassion instead: “I feel you haven’t been very into sex lately. Is there anything going on you’d like to talk about? Is there something you need from me?” That will provide a chillwave space for your partner to open up about any factors that have been contributing to their lack of sexual interest.

If you’ve already tried this several times and they’re struggling with opening up about their feelings, enlist a pro and head into couples counselling. A therapist can pry out some reasons behind the incompatible-libido sitch.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO COMPROMISE

Does your low-libido partner like to have sex a certain way? Maybe they are a morning-sex person. Maybe they love doing it doggy. Maybe they have a favourite set of lingerie. Incorporating these faves into your come-on means your low-libido partner may be more inclined to partake.

If you want to fool around and your partner doesn’t, however, they also need to make an effort. “It’s about meeting in the middle and finding ways in which you can meet each other’s needs without someone feeling like they’re always saying ‘no,’ or feeling like they’re always having to initiate,” Mark says. “Coming up with those ideas together is helpful in a number of ways.”

They could work your tits while you work the vibe. They could contribute some hand stuff to your masturbation, or you could jerk off together. Or they could go down on you for a bit. Aim for a ratio that works for everyone. For every five times a high-libido partner wants sex, for example, a couple might compromise by not doing it twice, fooling around twice and having sex once.

SCHEDULE SEX

Strangely, this is not as much of a chore as you’d think. When you’ve been sleeping with the same person for a while, spontaneous desire—that urge to throw someone on the ground and ravage them—usually evolves into responsive desire, i.e., you need to shovel some coal in the fire to get it going. This means that once you start going at it, you’ll probably get into it. Scheduling sex benefits both folks in the relationship: The low-desire person isn’t getting harassed for sex all the time, and the high-desire partner has a date to look forward to.

SEE SOMEONE ELSE

Why not give non-monogamy a try? If sex isn’t a huge priority for one partner, the high-desire partner could be freed up to seek sex elsewhere. These types of set-ups are quite common and can either be a don’t-ask-don’t-tell arrangement, or the non-monogamous partner can share tales of their exploits with their partner (it might even make the other feel frisky). Not sure you have the time to go out and find civilians to sleep with or are worried about managing the emotional side of it? Hire a sex worker instead. Hot tip: You can find lots of lovely pros on Twitter.

BREAK UP

Sometimes, there just isn’t any way around it. If you’ve tried talking about it, compromising and professional counselling and one or both partners are still feeling unsatisfied, it’s probably time to end it. Some people just have a perennially lower libido—they might even land somewhere on the asexual spectrum—and that might never be the right fit for you. There’s no shame in leaving a partnership because you’re not getting what you need and seeking out a partner with a libido level closer to yours (especially since both your libidos are likely going to fluctuate long-term).

LOOK FOR A BETTER MATCH

It’s time, IMO, to start prioritizing sexual compatibility, rather than relegating it to nice-to-have status and then suffering the emotional fallout when it disappears. First-date drinks isn’t the ideal time to bring up your desired sex frequency, but it’s not a bad idea to make some inquiries sooner rather than later. Seeing someone new? If your libidos are a good fit so far, Mark recommends saying something like, “‘We seem to be super well matched on desire. What’s it been like for you, previously, in longer-term relationships? How often have you typically wanted to have sex?” If you do seem mismatched, try asking, “We’re having sex regularly now, but what is your typical desired frequency, long-term?” This will, hopefully, help ensure that you end up with someone on board with your preferred sex schedule and who will enjoy boning you on the regular for many glorious years to come. Good luck!

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