It’s Oscar time again, the glittering jewel in the crown of Award Season. The time when all of the biggest names in the flicker shows all get together and give each other trophies of naked faceless men. And we at Van Full of Candy are legally obligated to lift our faces skyward and take notice of the greatness of these Silver Screen demigods by way of predicting which talkies will be rewarded for their splendiferousnessitude… Oscar picks!

We have randomly (not really) selected a hand full of categories to make our respective predictions. We will each be making individual picks for each category based on our respective areas of knowledge and expertise. So let’s meet the award show guessers.

In the green corner…

Jesse: I’m a long time viewer of the Academy Awards presentation ceremony festivities program, and as such I believe I have found a valuable insight into the minds of the academy which will help make my predictions logically flawless. If there is one thing consistent from year to year, beside no one having seen the majority of the nominated films, it’s that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences love Nazis. Nothing polishes their Oscar more than a good master race picture show. So I have devised a highly scientific formula which will determine which nominee in each category is the Naziest, and therefore, the most likely to give the Academy a grief boner.

And in the blue corner…

Jason: I pick my movies the way I pick my favorite football teams. By how awesome their uniform is. Since none of the movies that we are making predictions for had any kind of cool posters or covers, I only half-heartedly watched any of them, and I was usually on Valium to make it through any of them because of my migraines. So with my thorough knowledge of these fine movies, I will make my predictions based on my acute memory and my love for flashy uniforms.

So let’s get to the picks.

Art Direction

Alice in Wonderland // Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 // Inception // The King’s Speech // True Grit

Now you might say that this one is a no brainer based on my system. “The King’s Speech” is all about Nazis, and a talking king I guess. But take a look at the other nominees, they all have a little bit of Nazi in them if you are willing to just look hard enough for Nazis in everything, like I am. And with this being the Art Direction category, I must look for the most artful depiction of Nazis in film this year, and really, “The King’s Speech”? Isn’t that a little on the Nazi nose? Not artful at all. So then, which movie has the most artful depiction of Nazis? (Winner: True Grit) (My pick: Alice in Wonderland) The only real art that could actually be directed would have been in Alice in Wonderland since it was set in a magical place. The other movies weren’t really magical, except MAYBE Harry Potter, but the art in Alice was the most “alive” and “real” and could actually take direction from a human being. This should be the easy winner, however Potter will come in a close second. But if Potter eeks out a win, I change my mind to Harry Potter.

Documentary Short Subject

Killing in the Name // Poster Girl // Strangers No More // Sun Come Up // The Warriors of Qiugang

Terrorism? Iraq? Global Warming? China? Nonsense. The Academy couldn’t give a shit less. Israel? You bet your foreskin! (Winner: Strangers No More) (My pick: Sun Come Up) All the other movies are about war and death and killing, that’s just way too depressing. Sun Come Up is at least about something cheery, global warming. It’s like a warm spring day as you lay in the sun that’s beaming through your window. This should be a favorite to win.

Foreign Language Film

Biutiful // Dogtooth // In a Better World // Incendies // Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)

Calling the foreign language film winner can usually be very difficult as the only thing that’s ever happened in most foreign countries was World War II. This year is a little different. While some of the films attempt to tell stories that don’t some how come back to how much of a meany Germans were, the award goes to the one set after the Big One. (Winner: Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)) (My pick: Incendies – Canada) This one is a hands down winner, so if you’re into betting, bet the farm. I can totally understand what Canadians are saying for the most part. The other movies were just way too hard to understand. They may as well have been speaking Greek. However, I could pick out a few words in the Mexican movie, but they totally spelled Beautiful wrong, so that’s the second main reason I didn’t pick them.

Makeup

Barney’s Version // The Way Back // The Wolfman

It’s a well known fact that Hitler was working on a project to develop Nazi wolfmans. And any time anyone attempts to make Paul Giamatti look like a human being is like a practice in eugenics. But you can’t beat a good gulag road picture. (Winner: The Way Back) (My pick: None of them) I think the Academy really messed up on this nomination and now an award will sit alone backstage. First of all, Wearwolves don’t wear makeup, they don’t have time, and the other two movies are about men. My grandpappy told me “Men don’t wear makeup”, so, considering nobody in any of these movies actually wore makeup, there cannot be a winner. Stupid.

Music (Original Score)

How to Train Your Dragon // Inception // The King’s Speech // 127 Hours // The Social Network

Original Score refers to all of the music in a movie that you normally would never listen to. For this category I purchased each of these movie sound tracks and played them as loud as I could in my living room while locked in a closet in a neighbor’s bedroom to determine which sounded most like the sound of an approaching war machine. (Winner: How to Train Your Dragon) (My pick: The Social Network) This category is really really hard to pick a winner for because none of the music was made by a pop star whos name I recognize. I’m just going to have to go with Trent Reznor only because I know he was in a nail band and made cool sounds that actually don’t sound like music, so yeah, I’m gonna go with that based on principle.

Sound Mixing

Inception // The King’s Speech // Salt // The Social Network // True Grit

Truth time now. I’ve seen 2 1/2 of these nominees, none of which was “The King’s Speech”. But I have to assume, that at some point in the movie there is, if even in the background, a clip of a shouty, angry Fuhrer screaming something in foreign. And if that’s audible at all, then show’s over folks, call this one a Nazi. (Winner: The King’s Speech) (My pick: Two way tie between Inception & The King’s Speech) Sound mixing is one of those things that you love, or you just straight up hate. It just happens that I straight up hate it, so based upon the number of people it took to mix the music for these movies, I’m gonna have to go with the ones who had the less people because they had to work that much harder. My picks only had three people doing all the work and the other three movies cheated a little with four people doing the work.