We enjoy our successes but we grow from our failures… or we don’t!

The difference usually comes down to choices. I believe our experience of Failure speaks more to our choices than our circumstances.

What do I know about failure? Plenty.

I authored one of the greatest failures of my generation. I’m blamed for single-handedly destroying the billion-dollar video game industry of the early 1980’s. I did this by creating the worst video game of all time: E.T. for the Atari 2600. A failure so huge, Hollywood actually made a movie about it! Check out Atari: Game Over on YouTube. And that’s not even my greatest failure. I’ve been fortunate enough to have many, in all aspects of my life; personal, professional and relational.

From pioneering new tech to rewiring old habits, my breadth of experience helps me understand the many ways things can go wrong and how best to deal with them.

I’ve had successes too, but I’m most grateful for my failures because they’ve enabled me to enlist my esoteric skill set in the service of healing a wider range of people. As the Silicon Valley Therapist, helping people deal with failure and disappointment is a core competency. My failures have made me a better therapist… and a better person.

How does Failure fit into the fabric of your life?

Before you answer, please consider some lessons Failure taught me…

1. Failure is a Perspective, Not an Occurrence

Failure is not what happened. The happenings of life are neither successes nor failures, they are merely circumstances.

There are many possible interpretations we can put on those circumstances… Failure is only one of them. Our choices determine what we carry forward from the current situation, which then shapes how we handle our next encounter. When you mind what you bring to events, you bring a better mind to them.

2,000 years ago, Epictetus said “It is not events which shape our lives, but rather our view of the events.” We choose how we view things, and these choices have far ranging life consequences.

Failure is a frame of mind, not a state of affairs.

2. Failure Lacks Context

So you failed. This may feel like hard times, but the truth is: It's impossible to know where you are until you see where it takes you. Life is complex and it’s hard to predict how things will turn out from the current picture. The caterpillar and the butterfly share the same DNA.

This so-called failure is but a single moment in the story of your life. Why be so quick to judge your situation… or yourself?

After all, some failures turn out to be blessings in disguise. Have you ever invested yourself totally in winning a job/deal/accolade only to find out later it wasn’t what you thought or hoped? Sometimes when I trip and fall I wind up dodging a bullet.

It’s also true that major failures are frequently enabled by significant successes. You can’t fall too far unless you’ve first scaled the heights. Do you focus on the loss, or your ability to climb?

Every failure has the potential to launch you later. Early stumbles can be wakeup calls in disguise. This experience could be the greatest teacher you’ve ever had, please try to release your disappointment and zero in on the lesson.

Because…

3. Failure is a School, Not a Prison.

In life: Mistakes are mandatory, learning is optional.

The learning process can be seen as continually making mistakes and never repeating them. If I’m paying attention I’m accumulating a pool of avoidable mishaps. Every failure has the potential to grow this pool, making each future “project” more likely to succeed.

But to implement this strategy I must be willing to review my failure and glean the lessons. What could stand in my way? Shame, fear and denial… exacerbated by ego.

Many are taught failure is bad. We may come to believe we are bad if we fail. Shame is an easy place to get stuck. Ego can lead me into denial and away from learning from my failures because ego can highlight my fears.

In the HiTech world, you can’t swing a USB-cable without hitting a sizable ego. And denial runs rampant in many organizations (other people’s denial is the easiest to spot). What we may not see so readily are the fear and shame lying beneath the surface.

Some fear failure so intensely they never try because they can’t afford the risk. This is withdrawal, a self-limiting mindset.

Others are bolder. They’re willing to try many things, but they are also ready to bend reality or rewrite history rather than face the shame of acknowledging any failed attempt. This is denial, and denial has a problem: While the denier denies the failure, the denial denies the denier the opportunity to learn from the failure.

Simply put, the price of denial is lost opportunity. This can be very expensive!

Locking yourself in the Prison of Shame & Denial is an option, but it isn’t terribly productive. Punishing yourself for a miss doesn’t do much to improve your aim next time around.

Why not punish less and learn more? Instead of judging yourself, go to school. Take the Failure Quiz:

What really happened here?

Did any of my actions help it go this way?

What might I change to improve my odds next time?

Answering these questions frankly and honestly results in a more robust tool box…

4. Successfully Handling Failure Requires Tools

Here are two different worldviews:

Life is an unrelenting all-or-nothing make-or-break proposition where my wellbeing is constantly on the line.

-OR-

Life is a series of successive approximations in which I’m always learning and trying to do better next time.

Neither is guaranteed to be correct. You’ll find super-achievers and ne’er-do-wells in both categories. Which feels more productive? Which better accommodates failure? Which one is currently you?

For my own part, I advocate the second but I catch myself slipping into the first at times. When I do, it’s my toolset which helps me get back on course.

The toolset for this second worldview consists of Curiosity, Resiliency, Humor and Forgiveness.

Curiosity is the single best tool for learning! Curiosity leads us to find value. Judging leads us to create drama and pain. Admitting and owning my failures requires honest self-assessment, not harsh self-judgment.

Don’t sell yourself short on shortcomings, they may be your greatest asset.

Resiliency is important as well, it’s the shock absorber of life. When we get too fragile, even small bumps can break things. The easily shattered have a tough time moving into unpaved territory, which is where every next big thing comes from.

Humor is one of the greatest sources of resiliency. Laughing at my folly reduces its sting. For decades, people have asked me how it feels to have made the worst video game ever? I tell them I enjoy the distinction. I also made Yars’ Revenge, frequently cited as one of the best games of all time. So if ET is the worst game ever, I have the greatest range of any game designer in history!

Humor is great medicine and it’s always available. If you can’t find the humor, you may be missing other things as well. Things that could help.

Forgiveness is another essential component. Forgiveness is not condoning or accepting transgressions, forgiveness is permitting myself not to spend today’s energy on the indelible past which will never change. Energy wasted on resentment & regret is energy which could make the difference between success and failure on my current project. Forgiveness isn’t something you give to another, it’s a gift you give yourself.

Don’t let failures become baggage. Own the fail, learn the lessons, then let it go. The more baggage you carry, the fewer doors you can fit through. Lighten your load and ease the journey.

5. The Big Win: Converting failure to wisdom!

Again: We enjoy our successes but we grow from our failures… or we don’t.

The way we grow is by converting our failures into wisdom which can guide us more effectively in future decisions. Failure is the #1 source of wisdom in life.

Think of Wisdom as a commodity. It’s mined from the ore of our mistakes. Which means each of us is sitting on the mother lode! And like any mining operation, when the refinery is closed the stock price drops considerably.

In other words, every bit of wisdom you don’t acquire makes you dumber than you would have been had you learned it. Don’t worry, you’re still just as smart as you are, you simply missed a chance to be smarter. Unfortunately, staying the same in a rapidly changing world means constantly losing ground. I need to make an occasional step forward just to stand still, so it’s best to keep my refinery humming.





Therapy (like Life) is all about the breaks, breakdowns and breakthroughs. People come to me in the former and I help them find the latter. Know this: Time spent wallowing in the breakdowns is time that could be spent cultivating the breakthroughs. To paraphrase Einstein: You should move through it as fast as possible, but no faster.

Now that you have some new perspectives on Failure, consider this question:

How will Failure fit into the context of your life?

I believe it can be as simple as this: Life is a series of successive approximations. When I invest the effort to learn from my failures, my every “next step” is improved and my life’s path converges on satisfaction and happiness.

When handled skillfully, Failure is not an end, it’s a launching point!