DEAR Santa,

We, the 18 AFL clubs, wish you a very Merry Christmas, and humbly ask that you tear yourself away from dropping off presents to deserving and undeserving children all over the world to think of us. Please.

We've been good. Honest.

Yours hopefully,

The clubs.

We know that our beloved Rory Sloane wants a new players' pay deal, a surfboard and/or a blender for Christmas – and good luck to the lad – but as a club we'd quite like to see Eddie Betts cloned and Eddie 2.0 quietly put away in a fridge until required when the original Eddie goes off the boil, which we pray won't be for a very long time.

Colourful and stylish name tags, so all the new players and coaches can get to know each other: "Hi, I'm Chris. I'll be your coach this season." "Hi, I'm Tom. I may or may not be your captain this season." "Hi, I'm Dayne." "Hi, I'm Dayne. No the other one without the tattoos."

A special reunion party for the several hundred ex-GWS players on the Blues list when the Giants come visiting in round 12. A terrific chance for all the former Giants to reminisce with their ex-teammates about not being able to get a game for year after year. Steve Silvagni to host.

A Logie for Eddie – gold preferably, but silver will do. A backline for Bucks. In fact, a premiership for Bucks. And one for the AFLW team. And while we're at it, one for the netball side as well. We're all about diversity here at the Pies. And premierships. And Logies.

Lots and lots of empty canisters to capture all the lovely clear air that's circulating around Bomberland now that the dreaded saga has finally been consigned to the history books. Bottle the stuff, and sell it off to fans, tourists and the generally gullible – that will help to start to claw back the $9 million loss the Dons made in 2016.

A new start to the off-season, which has been about as 'off' as you can get. In fact, how about a big fat 'REWIND' button for the whole year. Then we'll be coming off a third-placed finish, with the reigning Brownlow medallist fit and healthy, and a snarky small forward happily wearing the purple. Lid off!

An AFL debut for Wylie Buzza. Just because we want to hear the commentators going off their heads at his name. And a new suit for Danger, who still hasn't managed to get the salt out of the last one after filming that ad with him surfing at Moggs Creek in his bag of fruit. He'll need it when he collects all of 2017's awards.

A mind–altering drug or hypnotism program to stop Gary Ablett thinking about Geelong and returning there to see out his career. If that seems all too "pharmacologically experimental", a simple bungy-style tether that won't quite stretch from Metricon Stadium to Gold Coast Airport should do the job.

A trophy cabinet – nothing cheap and nasty from the post-Christmas sales, please Santa – because we're going to have a stack of silverware to house in the next few years and we don't want to have be reinforcing the shelves every time we leave the podium with another cup.

A new name via deed poll for Mitchell Lewis, who's going to get awfully sick of the same joke time and time again. Something that rolls beautifully off the tongue and is entirely distinctive … Matt Spangher, perhaps. Or Shem-Kalvin Tatupu.

Some nice beard oil for Maxy Gawn's heroic, All-Australian quality facial fungus. Heaven forbid that there ever be a reason to chop it back because it has become unruly – there lies Samson-and-the-consequences-of-cutting-his-hair territory. And perhaps a fire hose to dampen down those wacky finals expectations, Demons fans.

Some new gym equipment for Majak Daw, who desperately needs to build up his physique. And some kind of hobbles to stop Brent Harvey from involuntarily sprinting onto the ground looking for the old one-two when he's meant to be training the father-son prospects and next generation academy kiddies.

A Chinese phrase book for the players, officials and supporters travelling to Shanghai for the big clash with the Suns. By the way, this is how you say, "How do I get to Jiangwan Stadium? And go Power" – "Rúhé dàodá jiāng wān tǐyùchǎng. Qù lìliàng." And "One pie with sauce, please" is "Yīgè xiàn bǐng qǐng jiàng." Apparently.

Some early wins – and we don’t mean in the JLT Community Series or a shirts-v-skins intra-club match – to take the pressure off Dimma. And some mid-season wins. And some late in the year. Ah, hang it all. Please give us the flag, big fella. Nothing short of that will satisfy the long-suffering yellow and black diehards. We don’t want another load of horse poo dumped at the front door.

A wristband with the message, 'Remember, you're not captain any more, so please don't run out first' for Nick Riewoldt. After 56 years and 3296 games as skipper, he will need plenty of reminding that someone else gets to lead the Saints onto the field.

Hey Santa, we've always thought you looked good in the red and white. Could do with a decent pre-season to lose a few kilos, but anyway … we'd quite like to have our beloved COLA back, if that's OK? Devilishly expensive up here, you know.

A magical new knee for Nic Nat, so that Plan B – essentially, panic – doesn't have to be enacted. And given that we've now got a new Brownlow medallist – after all, Sam Mitchell was an Eagles player when he received his medal – can we also have the four flags he won with that other team? Seems only fair and reasonable.

A time capsule for the premiers, so that the miracle of 2016 can be repeated, minus the bit where St Bob Murphy's knee buckles. A DVD of the Grand Final for Tom Boyd to watch on loop to show him just how good he can be. And finally, a directional radar for the newly acquired Travis Cloke's left boot.