RACINE, WI—Begging consumers to immediately cease endangering the safety of our ecosystem, consumer chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson & Son recalled every single product from their Raid brand of insecticides Tuesday after realizing the food chain would simply collapse without bugs. “We’re urging customers to immediately return all sprays, baits, foggers, and barriers as they pose an extinction-level threat to insects and, because the intricate balance of the food web is very delicate, killing bugs will eventually have horrible consequences, if you think about it,” said spokesperson Melissa Eden, explaining that exterminating a cockroach, ant, spider, or even flea with one of their products “sends a huge ripple through the ecosystem” and “throws off everything in the biodiversity cycle, like the butterfly effect.” “If you continue spraying your plants with our House & Garden aerosol can, you’re going to drive caterpillars to extinction, which takes away a crucial food source for the robins, then a few links later the wolves are gone, and then how long does the Earth have left? We beg you to please return our Scorpion Killer, our Flying Insect Killer, even our Bed Bug Killer to our central distribution center so we can dispose of them safely—or Raid will have killed both bugs and humans dead.” Eden added that consumers should keep an eye out for forthcoming Raid products aimed at giving insects the nutrients they need to gain strength and safely populate in habitats in and around consumers’ homes.

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