GRAHAM, WA—In a feverish statement that captured their excitement and adoration, the nation’s logging industry announced Thursday that they “just can’t fucking get enough” of logs. “We stand before you today to let it be known that we love logs. We love them deeply and completely. We love stacking logs, chopping logs, sawing logs, carrying logs, trimming logs, debarking logs, processing logs, drying logs, throwing logs in the back of a trailer, ratcheting down logs, driving logs to a lumberyard, turning logs into planks, building a house with logs—hell, sometimes we like to just stand there for hours and stare at a log, smiling ear to ear the whole time,” said Bill Wright, CEO of Zuelke Logging Service, echoing the sentiments of the 67,000 other members of the logging industry in confirming that logs kicked fucking ass. “We go totally apeshit for logs. A list of our interests starts and ends with the word ‘logs.’ We wake up each morning champing at the bit to chop more logs, and every second we’re not spending in a lumberyard, a forest, or the woods is a second wasted. We love how logs smell, we love how they feel, we love their shape, and we just can’t contain ourselves when we’re moving a log around with a logging crane. Logs in the morning, logs at night, and in between? Logs. Turn them into paper, turn them into timber, log our logs in the log log and then log into our logging blog. Big logs, small logs, average logs—we love them all. Even as I speak at this very moment, I’m thinking about logs and praying to God this press conference—which is at least about logs—wraps up soon so I can go back to my logs and be happy. Logs. Ah, logs. Fuck! Logs, man, no shit, I fucking tell you. Logs.” The logging industry solemnly added that Wright was crushed to death later that afternoon by a log, as per his dying wish.

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