“The Great Gatsby”

Regarding his tax returns, the American people clearly do not care about them, so Mr. Gatsby will not be releasing those. The New York liberal media constantly and unfairly paints Jay Gatsby as a playboy, a bootlegger, a man obsessed with some green light. What about all the philanthropy he has done? What about the wonderful gatherings he hosts for the community? What about the many other colors of lights he enjoys staring at? People love this man and they respect this man. Look at these undoctored photos of his parties—there are so many people there, more people than at any other get-together in history. Also, Mr. Gatsby has many beautiful shirts. Why doesn't the press talk about his many beautiful shirts?

“Don Quixote”

I am offended by the media's characterization of Don Quixote as “absent-minded” and “aimless” and “delusional.” It's very disrespectful. I've worked extremely closely with Mr. Quixote. He was hugely successful in La Mancha, and he is going to bring that same success all across the country. He connects with people and communicates with them. Just look at his approval ratings among goatherds! I also resent the claim that his squire, Sancho Panza, is calling all the shots. That's completely untrue. Don Quixote makes all of his own decisions. And, despite what the courts say, windmills will continue to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

“A Christmas Carol”

Ebenezer Scrooge is not a grumpy, mean-spirited old man, and he certainly does not need to undergo any personal change via ghostly lessons, as has been misreported by the lying media. Look, I'm a pollster. I know data well. There's no way to accurately assess just how grumpy Ebenezer Scrooge is. I wouldn't say he's any more or less grumpy than the average citizen. And, given the state of the world, wouldn't it make sense for him to be a little grumpy? Maybe there needs to be less coverage of Mr. Scrooge's disposition and more coverage of the various terrorist attacks around the globe, such as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

“Moby-Dick”

Time after time, I see the land media refer to Moby Dick as the embodiment of evil, and, frankly, this sort of coverage disappoints me. If they keep this up, partisanship will continue to divide creatures of the sea and creatures of the land. Throughout his campaign, Captain Ahab constantly blamed someone else for his own despair, but sometimes you just have to take a look in the mirror. All the polls said that Moby Dick had no shot against Captain Ahab, but look at what happened. Ahab's ship was destroyed in a nautical landslide. The land media, the pollsters, the crew aboard the Pequod—they all got it wrong. Now it's time to let the large whale-beast govern.

“The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”

Let me get one thing straight: just because the White Witch has cast Narnia into an endless winter with no Christmas does not mean she is leading a War on Christmas. The White Witch loves Christmas. She loves it so much that she is restricting the number of Christmases so that the citizens of Narnia can have one amazing mega-Christmas when the time is right. I do not have an exact date for when that mega-Christmas will be, but rest assured—it is coming. Why does the woodland press insist on constantly bringing up Christmas? Can we please focus on important issues that Narnians care about, like defeating radical Aslanic terrorism?