I'm going to cut out any contrived intro and just say this. Conan are probably the best metal band in the world. Conan are the fucking best because they make albums that allow a listener on no drink or drugs able to visualise Skyrim buttfucking Westeros in some huge super galactic bunga bunga party.

Recorded last year in Winter at Jon Conan’s Skyhammer Studios; don’t you fucking laugh you cunt, that is the best name ever for a studio. The band laid all their shit down with help from Chris Fielding (Electric Wizard etc) and sent their huge slabs of filth to the legendary James Plotkin to weave his magic on. Going back to the studio name, one of the most amazing things about Conan are what they call things. Like the band name, Conan? WHY WAS THAT NAME NOT TAKEN ALREADY? Maybe because Conan have always existed and time isn’t real. WOW. No, it’s because folk overlooked it.

Right, names. Here’s the names of the songs on Blood Eagle. 1. Crown of Talons 2. Total Conquest 3. Foehammer 4. Gravity Chasm 5. Horns for Teeth 6. Altar of Grief AND the fucking album is called Blood Eagle. I never knew this but I read elsewhere that a 'blood eagle' is when you have your ribs pulled out through your back. Fucking minging huh? Well it’s just as well the album isn’t fucking revolting.

'Crown of Talons' begins with the song growing and growing from a single note into an absolute psychopathic avalanche of fuck that doesn’t understand that no means no. It’s so low in tuning that the band probably created a new note. 'Total Conquest' is all sorts of heavy. Coming in guided by the drums it’s the big sound from Monnos upgraded. This song will kill people at gigs.

'Foehammer', or Gandalf's Sword to guys that never got their hole until they discovered prostitutes, is a high charged, drum daft tune that will be a live favourite. Jon’s Scouse dragonspeak sounding like it was being belted out from the bottom of the Mariana Trench, this is utter fucking filth, metal at its finest. Your neighbours will love it. Turn it up loud so they can hear it when you get the album.

‘Gravity Chasm’, I don’t know what the fuck a gravity chasm is but it’s hands down one of the best song titles ever. It’s also such a good tune I dare you not to wank all over your lovely vinyl in pure respect for it. No spidermaning/multiple miggsing the band live but. I think the bassplayer Phil sings this one. It’s GOOOOOOD. Pure manky sexy sludge. Lots of shouting. Bass. Drums on form.

'Horns for Teeth' starts like it found out you shagged its mum, angry. It’s massive. Jon’s down in the abyss again here singing at times joined by Phil, who has the voice of a pavement saw. There’re shifts in this sound that caught me off guard. Not wanting to sound negative but it definitely sounds like the band wanted to go beyond their previous structures in sound on Blood Eagle and here it shows. Final track 'Altar of Grief' is like that bit in Hellraiser when the cenobite crawls out of the man’s anus wearing a Mayhem t shirt. Mental, powerful and stylish. No idea what Jon’s singing about, I seem to always hear them shouting "wiiiizzzzzzaaaaarrrrdddd". This last tune is epic.

There are definitely no tracks on Blood Eagle that hang about too long; something that deserves credit to all involved in its creation. Conan can be found on this record to have clearly progressed on all fronts while holding onto their low and loud sound that may not sound unique but I challenge you to go and see them live, nothing is as sore as that. Cover your baws too. I’ve no idea if bass waves can hurt vaginas so you are warned. I recall a woman cumming to them in a film once. Hmmm...

Something I’ve been pondering over regarding Conan is the finesse-ness of the drums, while some bands would opt for loud, heavy low sounding drums battered, this band prefer them tight and sharp, this along with the mega mega low frequency sound of the guitars presents a fantastic edge to Conan's output. Also, I fucking love Tony Roberts. He is the dude that made the cover. It’s mesmerising. The character from all the covers (Slomatics split onwards) is holding some cunts head.

Not only do Conan make amazing music but they are also among the nicest guys I’ve met in music, they worked hard on this record and deserve everything coming to them, probably even the cum slinging. Buy fuck oota Blood Eagle. Buy it! But definitely go see them live, you won’t regret it even if you do get tinnitus. This is pure Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Metal.