“What about if we… and just go with me here…. what if we write this as some kind of public exploration of Kink. We shouldn’t shame fans who are just trying to explore things like a golden shower celebration. Maybe we shouldn’t judge until we try to throw cups of urine at each other,” stated one junior reporter who was advised to go to human resources and show what his browser history contained.

“Look. I’ve got two words for you….. R. Kelly,” stated one contract employee who was immediately let go.

“How about we go with some combination of pissed off/pissed on…. oh I dont…. jesus did you see this video,” stated one staffer who was working on changing his in-stadium reporting position from the supporters section to literally anywhere else.

“This is clearly a false flag by the industrial piss complex,” stated one janitor as they passed by the newsroom.

Staff members and editors reportedly spent hours huddled together in a war room as they attempted to find anything more ridiculous than celebrating the US Open Cup by throwing a cup (or multiple cups) of piss at your fellow celebrating fans.

“All we can say is that satire is dead. Satire is absolutely and positively dead,” stated one anonymous writer. “If you excuse me, I’m going to go celebrate the US Open Cup in the men’s room.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one copy editor runs out of the room screaming, “GODDAMMIT. IT’S TOO MUCH.”