Based on penile enlargement and vaginal rejuvenation numbers, these countries are quite insecure with their stuff.

This is the second part of my oddly deep investigation into international cosmetic surgery of the genitals. Check out the first part, 11 Countries Most Secure With Their Genitalia, to get primed.

For these two lists, I used international plastic surgery data in two categories: Penile enlargement and vaginal rejuvenation. Then I used male and female population data (respectively) to determine the rates at which countries get their genitalia touched up.

These are the 11 countries with the highest average rates of people choosing to surgically enhance their genitalia — thus, the 11 countries least secure with their genitalia. I’m not sure that calling them out will help that cause, but we’ll roll with it anyway.

11 | Taiwan

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/48,446 men – (11th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/17,457 women – (11th highest)

But in the genital cosmetic surgery Olympics, the 11th least secure country would be called Chinese Taipei. So that’s something.

10 | Germany

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/29,764 men – (7th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/18,435 women – (13th highest)

This explains an awful lot.

9 | Brazil

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/154,904 men – (18th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/6,546 women – (2nd highest)

Congratulations, Brazil, for having one of the largest differences in gender rankings. The second-most vaginal rejuvenations and the 18th most penile enlargements. One penile enlargement for approximately every 24 vaginal rejuvenations? That’s a huge gap. (Heh.)

8 | Venezuela

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/82,630 men – (14th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/8,498 women – (5th highest)

Genital insecurity starts at the top. Back in 2009, Hugo Chavez personally launched a Venezuelan discount cellphone called Vergatorio… which is apparently the Venezuelan slang term for penis. With Google’s safe search on, that’s the only thing that comes up when you search for Venezuelan penis. When you turn safe search off… well, you probably don’t want to turn safe search off.

7 | Colombia

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/142,211 men – (16th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/6,466 women – (1st highest)

Colombia has the highest rate of vaginal rejuvenation of the countries in the study. They just slightly beat Brazil — 1/6,466 women in Colombia, 1/6,546 in Brazil. With margin of error, that’s as good as a tie. (I wouldn’t settle for a tie, so I ranked them. But they’re ok with ties. Those are soccer countries. Fast kicking, low scoring and ties? You bet!)

6 | Spain

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/25,397 men – (4th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/15,065 women – (10th highest)

If I remember my Hemingway correctly — and I most certainly do — the only things that go on in Spain are bullfighting, sex and self-actualization. So this ranking seems juuuust about right.

5 | Netherlands

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/25,967 men – (5th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/15,006 women – (9th highest)

I keep trying to write different things here but just won’t stop gravitating back to puns featuring tulips or “the kid who saved Holland by putting his finger in the dike.” Maybe my calling really IS being a writer on 2 Broke Girls.

4 | South Korea

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/28,191 men – (6th highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/10,513 women – (6th highest)

Last year there was this map floating around of penis size rankings by country. And South Korea came in dead last, at an average of 3.8 inches. The Republic of the Congo came in first, at 7.1 average. Meanwhile, neither the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea nor the Democratic Republic of the Congo contributed statistics. That’s some fun geopolitical wordplay to throw around next time you’re at a dinner party and the conversation gets a bit randy.

3 | France

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/22,275 men – (3rd highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/13,409 women – (7th highest)

In the most recent global survey I could find, France was rated the number one country for sexual activity. So their number three rank here just shows they’re willing to spend money on their hobbies. A French person getting a their genitals touched up is no different than you buying model airplanes or a rare buffalo nickel.

2 | Italy

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/14,055 men – (2nd highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/7,960 women – (4th highest)

Can we blame them for wanting their genitalia to have the perfect proportions devised by Leonardo, to embody the majestic elegance crafted by Donatello, or to transform them into party dudes like Michelangelo?

1 | Greece

Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/9,168 men – (1st highest)

Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/7,362 women – (3rd highest)

Beauty is truth, truth beauty. And if the truth is that they aid their naked beauty via the world’s highest rate of cosmetic genital surgery, so be it. If it was good enough for a Grecian urn, it’s good enough for Grecian sex organs.

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Hope you enjoyed all those bastardized literary and art references skewered into awkward crotch jokes. Check out 11 Countries MOST Secure With Their Genitalia too. And have a wonderful weekend.

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