With each day that passes, FilmDrunk gets closer and closer to our stated goal of becoming the number one source of faith-based movie news. So it was that the president of YouTube personally sent me (figuratively speaking) this new trailer for the ChristianMingle movie. Wait, did I say “Christian Mingle Movie?” You’re damned right I did, heathen! The popular dating site for people who want to get busy in a Godly way is now a feature film coming in October. It’s called, creatively, Christian Mingle: The Movie.

It was directed by Corbin Bernsen (perhaps best known as Roger Dorn in Major League) and stars Lacey Chabert from Party of Five, who also played Gretchen Wieners in Mean Girls. Who knew she’d end up competing with Lindsay for least impressive post-Mean Girls career? Supposedly this opens “in theatres” in October. Haha, good one.

Gwyneth Hayden is a 30-something marketing executive with a top-notch career, killer wardrobe, dream apartment and great friends. She thinks the only thing missing is a man. In a moment of inspired desperation, she fills out a profile on the dating website ChristianMingle.com hoping to find Mr. Right. However, Gwyneth’s attempts at impressing her dream guy end in disaster when he calls her out on her “faux faith.” In an honest realization, she sees her superficial life for what it really is, and she’s driven to create a personal relationship with God. In the end, He delivers on the true desires of her heart: “life-changing” love.

Faux faith! You’re all posers in the eyes of God! By the way, they really went all in on casting the two most inoffensive-looking f*cking crackers I’ve ever seen in my life in this one:

These two are such bland dorks, even Dwight Eisenhower is rolling over in his grave to stick his finger down his throat. The buttoned collar. The side part. The gee whiz expression. This man is a human braided belt.

And the trailer has not one, but TWO, count them, TWO record scratch sound effects. Talk about dramatic reversal! Not even MC Twistmaster himself, M. Night Shyamalan would be so bold as to put two record scratches in a trailer, he’d be afraid to overpromise. Christian Mingle: The Movie must be one heck of an emotional whodunnit.

Also, Roger Dorn wants you to know that even though this is called Christian Mingle: The Movie, it is NOT a commercial for the website. Haha, of course, Dorn, what would have ever given us that idea?

The movie has been made by Home Theater Films in partnership with ChristianMingle.com but Bernsen was keen to stress on his Facebook page that it is not an ad or paid promotional piece for the dating website. [ChristianityToday] “You might ask why do include “the movie” in the title? One of my first jobs is to let everyone know that this is a pure, straight up Romantic Comedy and NOT an ad or paid promotional piece for Christian Mingle.com – the popular dating website. They have been incredible partners and friends in allowing us to use their name and play an integral role in the film, but one of the first rumors I want you to help me dispel is that this is a commercial for them.”

“Look, they’ve been incredible promotional partners, putting up money in exchange for us constantly mentioning their name and depicting them in a positive light, but we are NOT advertising for them. That’s just crazy! Now go out and see CHRISTIAN MINGLE, THE MOVIE.”

I don’t know what’s more honest, the fact that they just called it Christian Mingle: The Movie, or that the distributor is called “Home Theater Films.”