Simon Cowell wins X Factor for record 10th time

Simon Cowell shocked morons everywhere last night by dramatically securing his tenth successive victory in ITV’s X Factor.

The victory has come as a shock to millions of people who appear to have no idea what they are watching, and who for some unfathomable reason seemed to think victory belonged to a female singer called ‘Sam Bailey’.

Cowell told reporters after the win, “This is just like winning the lottery. Again. For the tenth year running.”

“People said it was impossible to win it all over again, but then I pointed them to a format that I completely own, and my record company that now owns all of the acts on the show, and then they have to admit it looks a lot like ‘winning’.”

“I’m simply overjoyed, and I can’t thank the fans enough for believing in this money making charade disguised as a talent show. Without them I would be significantly poorer.”

“Sam is quite pleased as well, and will be until she realises how little she actually stands to make from all this.”

Cowell wins X Factor

Experts have said that this latest victory yet again illustrates Cowell’s incredible natural gift for extracting money from simpletons.

Music industry analyst Simon Williams told us, “He’s like a force of nature, and fully deserves this tenth successive win.”

“Never before have we seen anyone so incredibly talented when it comes to turning the feeble-minded majority into cold hard cash.”

“To be honest, I don’t see how anyone will ever beat him.”

I’ll watch X Factor when I’ve finished watching A Factor to W Factor