How does it work and how can we reduce the gap?

It is a well-known fact that both men and women’s sexual desire declines over time in love relationships. Previous studies confirmed that this reduction in individuals’ level of sexual desire is not only normal and natural but even inevitable. But, not surprisingly, the decline is different across men and women, confirming the existence of significant differences between the two genders.

For men, the decline seems to be slower than for women. For the latter, it seems that the decline in sexual drive starts as early as after 1 year into the relationship. Moreover, this seems to be consistent across the different sexual orientations. Even though the decline is well known and documented, little is know about women’s first-hand experiences.

In a new article, published on the Journal of Sex Research by Moor, Haimov, and Shreiber, interviewed a group of women to better understand how the reduced level of sexual desire affects themselves and their relationships.

A couple enjoying themselves outside (Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash).

The present study

In this study, the authors interviewed 15 Israeli Jewish women aged between 25 and 59 years old, who have been in a relationship for at least 1 year.

By using a semi-structured interview, the authors inquired about participants’ decline in sexual desire, their explanation behind the decline, and how it impacted them and the couple life.

Transcripts of the interviews were analyzed and divided into eight main themes: (1) women experience of decline in sexual desire, (2) relationship between love and desire, (3) pathologization of sexuality decline, (4) conflict and pressure, (5) sexual compliance, (6) avoidance, (7) sexual pleasure and interests, and (8) bridging the gap between males and females.

What women say

Analysis of the interviews confirmed a significant decline in women’s sexual desire over the years. While in the initial stages of the relationship, men and women decline followed the same pattern, over time, women’s desires declined faster than the desire of their partner. This resulted in a huge disparity between the partners. Moreover, women reported that the decline in sexual desire was not correlated with a decline in the quality of the relationship. All the participants in the study reported their relationship as full of love, respect, openness, and reciprocity, giving the picture of a solid and good relationship. Additionally, they confirmed that the decline in sexual desire never made them doubt the quality of their love relationship.

Some of the participants mentioned that there were times when they were having sex with their partner that they just wanted him to come so that the sex would end.

Concerning the pathologization of the decline, about half of the interviewed women described feeling something was wrong with them, leading them to a state of confusion and conflict. In fact, almost all of the participants reported that the partners’ desire for sex led to some conflict, or in them being pressured to have sex. The feeling of discomfort and the partner’s pressure led two-third of the interviewed to consent to have sex unwillingly, consciously disregarding their own needs to fulfill the partners’ desires. On the opposite, some of them reported attempts to avoid physical contact and sexual activity with the partner.

A couple talking while sitting on a bench (Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash).

An interesting aspect is related to women’s sexual pleasure. In fact, even thou their sexual desire for the partner suffered a decline, women reported that their sex drive was aroused during sexual contact and that they still felt attracted to other men.

Coming to solutions to bridge the gap, women reported honest and open communication between the partners, as well as the need to compromise between the needs of the two as central approaches to reduce the gap between partners’ sexual desire.

To sum up

To sum up, in their work the authors of the present study investigated women’s sexual decline during long term relationships. Not only they provided further confirmation of the existence of significant differences between the gender, but they also stressed the importance of refraining from pathologizing the decline. Moreover, they reported women’s’ perception that an open and honest dialogue can help to bridge the gap between men and women.

TL, DR: Women’s sexual desire declines faster than men’s. This is normal and inevitable, but talking about it can reduce the gap between partners’ needs.