Who is Velvet Smooth? A no-nonsense 1970s blaxploitation heroine, or a new yogurt brand full of decadent dessert flavors? It’s the former, baby, so put down your spoons and get groovy!

Velvet Smooth is a detective in Harlem - unlike the detective in The Guy From Harlem, who lives in Miami. Here’s hoping the two of them will meet up in some future Avengers-type supergroup movie, maybe when The Guy returns to Harlem to pick up some of his old stuff from a storage unit.

Velvet Smooth is just minding her own business, lounging and generally being a foxy far-out chick, when she gets hired by a crime boss with the world’s most upsetting rat-tail. The rat-tail guy is in trouble because some masked goons keep robbing the shoeshine stands and magazine salesmen that make up his less-than-impressive criminal empire. Can Velvet help him out? You bet your bellbottoms she can. Can anyone in this movie full of martial arts action do convincing martial arts at all? No. No, they cannot.

Enter a world of wood paneling, basement casinos, and hideous sectional sofas. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Velvet Smooth!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka and Sean Thomason

Contributing writers: Jason Miller and Zachary Shatzer