Former Hollywood “It” girl Lindsay Lohan is ready to return to the limelight, and she’s got her eyes set on an absolutely killer role in Star Wars. The famously red-headed Mean Girls star hopes to portray the space opera’s most iconic ginger character: Mara Jade (Sorry, General Hux.) FSW caught up with Lohan at the grand opening of the LOHAN nightclub on the Greek island of Mykonos.

“I absolutely love, love, love Mark Hamill. I’ve been crushing on him since before I was born. And honestly, his work in The Last Jedi helped bring me back… it reminded me of my first love of partying with hot older guys. So like, I’m really into the idea of a Disney live action TV show where I play his badass wife. That would be so fetch!”

According to Lohan, she’s perfect for the role of Mara Jade, because Jade began her career as The Emperor’s Hand – Sheev Palpatine’s personal assassin, carrying out stealth executions — while she has similarly exhibited a kiss of death on everything she worked on during her troubled youth.

“Mara then worked with the mysterious Talon Karrde, just like I worked with random European and Dubai-based billionaires. In both our cases, a love of Luke Skywalker helped to redeem us and bring us back to our senses. Mara became a Jedi Master and Luke’s bride, and I became a Muslim on a mission to reboot my acting career.”

Lohan makes a compelling argument for how art can imitate life. After her much publicized substance abuse issues, excessive partying and battle against underwear, the teen idol left the limelight in pursuit of greater meaning. Over the last decade, Lohan has become a well-respected night club magnate and an internet entrepreneur via Lawyer.com. She’s even dabbled in larger-than-life real estate innovation.

“I designed my own island in Dubai at the World Islands. And you better believe I carved out the ultimate honeymoon spot for me and Mark… I mean Luke. I want the first season of our show to end in a wedding and honeymoon set right here on Lohan Island. The fans deserve to see Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker’s happy days together.”

The re-energized Lohan revealed that she’s already begun training for the role of Mara Jade. In fact, every week during “Mara Mondays” at any of her LOHAN nightclubs in Greece, you might find her cosplaying in a beautiful display of electro dance moves with a neon purple light stick in one hand and a lightsaber in the other.

Despite her eagerness for a Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker TV series, Lohan is realistic about the odds of getting her dream Star Wars project off the ground. “Oh, I’m also pitching Disney a straight-to-streaming sequel to one of my biggest hits. Yeah, Herbie: Fully Reloaded may finally be a thing, too!”

Thanks for the exclusive, Lindsay! As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo