Governor Northam: 'Virginia Will Be Kept Comfortable While Lawmakers Debate Whether To Kill It'

RICHMOND, VA—As Governor Ralph Northam has begun to dismantle Virginia in a systematic fashion, many Virginians began to grow concerned that he was just going to destroy the entire state.

But Northam has assured Virginians that the state will be kept comfortable while discussions ensue over exactly how they're going to accomplish the complete destruction of the once-great state.

"The state will be kept comfortable," he said in an address, "and the state will be resuscitated if that's what we desire. And then a discussion will ensue between us politicians over what course of action to pursue. It's really the most compassionate way to handle this kind of thing."

"It's the government's constitutional right to choose."

Northam reminded everyone that Virginia is his state, his choice, and that it's not a state full of American citizens with God-given rights unless he declares it to be so.

He was frightened, however, to learn that Virginians own guns and can defend themselves if threatened by callous governments, unlike unborn babies.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee