I’ve eaten one million hamburgers, cheeseburgers and steaks. I’ve inhaled beef jerky, gyro meat, bison and smoked ham sandwiches. I recently tweeted that I hit up the McDonald's Pick Two menu and had trouble editing my order down. I had five burgers and five orders of nuggets … all for $15! Then I fell into a food coma and got a $22 parking ticket. Worth it.

Taco Bell’s drive-thru employees know me as well as my best friend, and I’ve killed for a steak at Five O’Clock Steakhouse – literally! My idol, Don Gorske, has consumed more than 29,000 Big Macs, and for decades, it was my goal to destroy that record.

But today is the day it all changes. Today is the day I go vegan – and for good.

You may be asking, why? How did my relationship with meat change? How did it do me so wrong after decades of doing me oh so right? It really isn’t meat's fault; it’s mine.

I fell in love. With a chick. An actual, adorable baby chick with bright yellow hair, ruby red lips – eh, more a beak, but ruby red all the same – and skinny shapely legs. Her tiny chirps are music to my rock-laden ears.

There I was, just living my meat-eating life, when all of a sudden I saw her through the window of a local pet store. She was so beautiful and sweet – and talking to her, she just always knew what to say to make me feel better. Mainly because she can't physically speak English, or any human language at that, but that's beside the point. Within minutes, I knew she must be mine. So I went to the counter and bought her for $17, and now we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. I will teach her to enjoy Pappy Van Winkle bourbon.

And how could I eat a mound of chicken wings knowing that one of them may have been her mother or father? I could never do that – not anymore.

Her breasts will become plumper, she’ll develop a sexy little saunter, and I want more for her, her life and her future than some man to eat her up like she doesn’t matter.

She matters. All the meat now matters. Just like that, my life has changed. My days of trying to eat an entire cows' worth of beef in 24 hours are over.

So, please, think of Cluckie. The next time you are about to bite into that McChicken please, please think of my new pet chick and the future of those like her. And then order the Fish Filet instead. Because who cares about fish?