ATLANTIC OCEAN—Concerned that the unappealing affliction would spoil his plans for a romantic evening, an embarrassed right whale was reportedly panicking Monday after having a huge barnacle outbreak before an upcoming date. “Oh god, I look terrible, they’re all over my face,” said the mortified cetacean, scrambling in vain to clear his skin by rubbing against a nearby rock outcropping. “I can’t believe this, I haven’t had a single barnacle in months, and tonight of all nights I get dozens of them. The worst part is, there’s basically nothing I can do about it. I guess I’ll just take her to a darker part of the ocean and hope she doesn’t notice. This is so humiliating.” At press time, the whale was reportedly feeling much more relaxed after his companion showed up for their date with her face completely covered in a fishing net.

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