Halloween is a magical time of the year for both attention whores and regular whores. It's a time for unfunny people to demonstrate their shortcomings theatrically. And all that's fine. On Halloween, you're allowed to show the world your terrible sense of humor or tits without judgment. Unless you're dressed like one of these things. We're better than this, and you should be better than this.

The following costumes, available now at most retail outlets, are for stupid assholes. I realize that's a generic and subjective term, so each ensemble will be rated scientifically on three criteria: Wanton Stupidity, Cultural Insensitivity, and Sexual Desperation. Let's begi- oh shit, wait. The results are encoded in Spooooky Vision. You'll need to cut out and wear these Cracked.com Rootin' & Tootin' Halloween 2014 Secret Costume Plus-Size Sexy Cowgirl Spy Goggles Featuring Sunbathin' Borat in order to see them.

OK, NOW let's begin.