In an op-ed for Business Insider titled "I'll decrypt the San Bernardino phone free of charge so Apple doesn't need to place a back door on its product," libertarian presidential candidate and former antivirus developer John McAfee waded into the ongoing battle of words between Apple and the FBI with some choice words of his own.

Never one to bring a knife to a verbal gunfight, McAfee unleashes a howitzer of invective, blasting the United States government for undermining the country’s "already ancient cybersecurity and cyberdefense systems." It takes only four short paragraphs for McAfee to start talking about Nazis and Hitler. Two paragraphs later—not counting blockquotes—McAfee proclaims that by pressing Apple to "back door" (his words) the iPhone and bypass or defeat the mechanisms keeping its data secure, the government is seeking to bring about the end of the world (as we know it).

This is heavy stuff.

We’ve written plenty of our own takes on the current situation with Apple and the FBI, but rather than telling Apple what it should or shouldn’t be doing, McAfee has a novel solution: just stand back, folks, and he'll hack the damn iPhone himself. McAfee will step up and play the part of Batman to Tim Cook’s Harvey Dent, becoming the hero we need, even if he’s not the hero we deserve. Or maybe the FBI is Harvey Dent. Or maybe McAfee is the hero we deserve instead of need? I’ll be honest—I don’t exactly remember how the damn Batman movie ended but I am pretty sure that if you’re thinking of John McAfee as Batman then you're getting out of the op-ed exactly what McAfee wants you to be getting.

"With all due respect to Tim Cook and Apple," writes McAfee, "I work with a team of the best hackers on the planet. These hackers attend Defcon in Las Vegas, and they are legends in their local hacking groups, such as HackMiami. They are all prodigies, with talents that defy normal human comprehension. About 75% are social engineers. The remainder are hardcore coders. I would eat my shoe on the Neil Cavuto show if we could not break the encryption on the San Bernardino phone. This is a pure and simple fact." (Emphasis ours because this is totally the best part.)

"So here is my offer to the FBI," he continues. "I will, free of charge, decrypt the information on the San Bernardino phone, with my team. We will primarily use social engineering, and it will take us three weeks. If you accept my offer, then you will not need to ask Apple to place a back door in its product, which will be the beginning of the end of America."

Hack the mf'ing planet

I am, I admit, not a hacker. I do not have a mohawk or "10-gauge ear piercings," as McAfee says his people do. I don’t smoke weed while I’m working (though I'd probably be doing that if it were legal in Texas Uh, see me after class, Mr. Hutchinson -Ed.). I sure as hell am not in any way, shape, or form equipped to bypass the passkey lockout mechanism on an iPhone. I might, therefore, not be in the best position to judge whether or not McAfee is actually serious or just peddling outrage and seeking attention to his presidential campaign. Maybe I’m just not equipped with the perspicacity to hold all of McAfee’s burning bright vision in my mind and appreciate its fearful symmetry; maybe I’m just too dumb to see the truth in the words.

But the idea that the fate of the free world hinges on one misfit and his rag-tag team of infosoldiers socially engineering a dead man’s phone into an unlocked state in three weeks when you only have 10 attempts to enter the password before the device self-destructs seems a little…I don’t know, what word am I looking for here? Grandiose? Theatrical? Presumptive?

Oh, no, wait, here it is: it seems hilariously dumb. (Damn, that’s two words.)

It's not that I don't think it can be done—I'm sure there are technical solutions to the problem (at least as far as working around the unlock restrictions go). I just think that McAfee might be taking a little on himself here by volunteering to save Apple from fascism and Nazis and stuff. Still, who knows—maybe I'm the dumb one here. "If you doubt my credentials," finishes McAfee in a resounding mic drop, "Google 'cybersecurity legend' and see whose name is the only name that appears in the first 10 results out of more than a quarter of a million."

Boom. Well, I’m no cybersecurity legend. But you know what? I am at least smart enough to know when something smells funny. If you doubt my credentials in that area, just google "soylent farts." Boom, page one, right there on the list. That’s my name you’re looking at, John McAfee. Who’s the expert now?