JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that the new procedure is far more efficient and has completely streamlined the investigative process, representatives from the Jacksonville Police Department confirmed Wednesday they have been able to sharply reduce costs by reusing the same evidence in every case they handle. “Our department used to spend considerable time and manpower scouring crime scenes for clues, obtaining search warrants, interrogating suspects, and interviewing witnesses, but since we started using the same gun and DNA swab for every crime, we’ve been able to breeze through investigations in no time,” said police chief Alec McCarthy, who stated that the Jacksonville police have been able to close every case that has come up since the new protocol was enacted as well as make a significant dent in the department’s accumulated backlog of unsolved crimes. “Homicide investigations would often drag on for weeks, but now we’re in and out in two hours. We knocked out a triple murder, four breaking and enterings, and two aggravated assaults with a deadly weapon just this morning, and we’re on track to wrap up a couple of old child abduction cold cases by the end of the day.” Citing the success of the new program, the department said it is considering reusing the same signed confession for each case as well.

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