BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside its stainless steel housing and a five-horsepower electric motor, so it can decapitate chicken after chicken after chicken without overheating or burning out,” said KitchenAid spokesperson Danielle Robertson, later adding that the compact appliance takes up minimal space and would fit easily alongside blenders and toaster ovens, going on to reveal that the blood tray was coated with Teflon for easy cleaning. “Slide anything up to as large in circumference as a turkey’s skull through the slot and you’ll be amazed at how quickly and quietly you’ll have a headless, still-twitching bird carcass laying on your counter.” Although Robertson refused to comment on rumors about other forthcoming KitchenAid products, sources said that the company has filed several patents related to the first hog disemboweler approved for in-home use.

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