‘We’re Going To Have To Be Very Selective,’ Say Researchers


MEDFORD, MA—Explaining that the country would need to be extremely selective going forward, a report published Wednesday by researchers from Tufts University revealed that the U.S populace has the collective goodwill to come together for only five more major tragedies. “Given how often Americans have had to unite and display communal resolve in the face of unthinkable atrocities over recent years, we found that the nation as a whole has barely enough in reserve to stand together in solidarity for four or maybe five more devastating events,” said lead researcher Sarah Timmons, adding that citizens would now have to be careful not to automatically enter into a nationwide period of mourning over merely any senseless act of violence or unforeseen disaster, no matter if the circumstances were particularly brutal or involved children. “From here on out, we’ll have to prioritize joining together as one for those things that are truly and deeply horrific in nature and scope, and not waste our precious remaining outpourings of collective sympathy every time something terrible happens. We really have to make these last few moments of national unity count.” At press time, Timmons reminded citizens to forgo any emotional response to an active shooter situation currently unfolding and save their shared outrage and grief for something far more unconscionable.