Hunt Demands Doctors Smile Awkwardly at Patients at Weekends

The Health Secretary has told doctors they must tell patients every variation of “It’ll have to wait until Monday” or face the consequences.



Jeremy Hunt said that the first step towards a modern, 7-day health service was that doctors’ bodies had to be physically inside NHS buildings at all times.

“At first, the doctors will just have to stand there. But eventually we’ll give them the technicians, porters and support staff so that they can actually do things.

“Unless we have to spend more money, of course. George wouldn’t be happy if we were spending taxpayer’s money on luxuries like a scrub nurse to facilitate weekend surgery.”

A visibly irritated Paul Block, spokesperson for the British Medical Association, reacted to the announcement.

“We’ve tried to explain to Mr Hunt that doctors don’t just walk around with diagnostic labs in their pocket. But he just kept muttering “lazy fuckers,” and “I will make you.”

“Every time Jeremy has a bright idea, it’s 3 months of work for us trying to make nice graphs and charts that prove to people that he’s wrong. We’re really not fucking kidding this time.”

But Van Driver and Daily Mail subscriber John Tooting was sceptical of the BMA’s motives.

“I tried that trick as well when I told my boss it took 2 people to load the van. But my boss assured me it is completely safe for one man to lift a piano by himself.”

“Now I see through all that “evidence-based argument” crap the BMA go on about. Everyone knows you can’t trust doctors.”

“I don’t work that job anymore. Back problems.”