People rarely learn languages without expecting any validation in return, even if covertly. Humans are wired to be social, so there will always be some desire for validation, some indication from other people that they are doing a good job or that they are amazing just for learning and speaking the language.

Validation is defined as recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

Praise from others is nice, but when you focus too much on validation, you’re bound to search for ways that will help you receive more praise, but not necessarily sharpen your language ability.

Below are different areas where learners try to maximize validation, while forgetting what really matters.

Filler words and slang: In English, it would be words such as “umm” or “like”, but it is different in each language. You can find out what they are by asking native speakers or observing natives speaking to each other. There are also slang words that are used in casual conversation, some of which may be offensive.

Common advice: “Pepper your speech with excessive filler words and slang, even if your actual speaking ability is much worse, because it makes you sound more native.”

The ironic thing is that native speakers are told to explicitly avoid filler words in their speech because they make communication harder and also makes you sound unsure of yourself. But learners will still use filler words regardless because using filler words make people think you are better at the language which in turn leads to more praise and validation.

Also using slang is supposed to make you look cool, but it can also make you sound like a fool especially if you use the wrong word at the wrong time. Some learners don’t care as long as they appear native and earn praise.

Vocabulary: There are many categories of words that can be used to express all kinds of ideas. Some of these words are absolutely necessary to know, while others are rare words that only appear in a few pages of a novel.

Common advice: “If you use big words in your speech, you can impress natives with your deep knowledge of the language.”

Native speakers are told to be concise and clear, even if it means using simpler words. Learners on the other hand are told to use as many advanced words as possible because it shows that you are serious at the language and not just dabbling like all the other wannabes. It also makes you appear smart by showing that you read a lot of advanced native material or studied a vocabulary list. Learners will keep on trying to use big words to create an image of being fluent and sophisticated, even though what really matters is the quality of ideas that they discuss.

Because at the end of the day, speaking isn’t for impressing people. It’s about getting your message across as clearly and precisely as possible. It is far better to have no problems with communication and in doing so, you will arguably impress the other person more, even though you won’t even care at that point.

Quantity of speech: This category is about how much you contribute to a conversation, whether it is between two people or a group.

Common advice: “Speak as much as can, you have to practice a lot. There’s no such thing as bad practice. Dominate the conversation, this shows confidence and fluency. “

I have already written about getting quality practice and avoiding bad practice earlier, where I suggest to limit your practice to a few high quality practice partners unless you enjoy the conversation for its own sake. Anyone who says to practice with random people for bad practice doesn’t value their time much because they think that getting a few words out or listening to a stranger talk somehow improves their language level, when they could have done the exact same thing at home with native media in less time.

If you are going to talk, I believe it is better to say as much as needed and no more. This means focus on the delivery of the message and make each word count. Reading stuff written in the humor and satire department can help because these writers are expected to have a fine sense of the language. They have to get their point across quickly, so they can’t afford to piss around with their words.

Talking more for practice doesn’t make much sense because you are only outputting what you know and you’re doing it mostly to show (and impress) the other person with your breadth and depth of the language. You’re more likely to develop bad habits by saying incorrect phrases. Also if you think talking fast makes you sound more confident and fluent, I have some bad news: it doesn’t help.

There is one exception to speaking little and that is describing a single topic in great detail for a few minutes, without ever switching the topic. This skill helps increase depth of vocabulary and expression in a certain topic because you will easily exhaust a lot of words in that topic without trying to repeat yourself. However you should practice this skill for improving yourself and not to impress people for validation.

The Comparison Game: Constantly playing the comparison game will lead to nothing but unhappiness. There are a lot of people who have started learning languages earlier than you and might be better. Some Europeans speak 3-4 languages at a C2 level by the time they are 18, while you were still monolingual.

When another person seems to enjoy a lot of social success and validation due to their fluency, this can lead to unhappiness. Social media and internet polyglots tend to exacerbate this issue. Some people get lots of validation for saying a few phrases with a mangled accent, while you get ignored despite speaking at an advanced level.

A lot of social success is overrated. Someone might receive more praise than you even though they are worse than you at a language, but it almost never matters in the long run. If you are unhappy, you should not be focusing on trying to be more social and one-upping others. It is better to work on yourself, even if it means going out less. Relax and enjoy the journey. This does not mean becoming a hermit forever, but being content with being alone is an important life skill that is often confused with being antisocial. Genuine inner peace and happiness happens when you are anchored in the present.

Conclusion

Don’t focus so much on validation. If you care about improving in your target language, focus on getting more input. Listen more and talk less. Make your words count.

Once you reach a high enough level, you are also less likely to care about other people’s opinions, which may have been your source of motivation to begin with.