DAVID Davis is to get through the next round of Brexit negotiations by cupping his hand to his ear and pretending he is unable to hear.

A government spokesman said: “It’s becoming increasingly obvious to Michel Barnier that we haven’t got a fucking clue, so rather than dig ourselves a deeper hole by talking more, David Davis is just going to pretend he can’t hear what is being said.

“You know when you ask your nan if you can watch something other than Flog It for five minutes and she pretends she can’t understand the question? Like that.

“Each round of talks only lasts a few days, so we reckon we can get through the next one at least before Barnier’s manners crumble and he calls David Davis a cloth-eared twat, or whatever they would say in Paris talk.

“And our strategy after that? Not sure. We’ve already tried crossing our fingers and that didn’t work so your guess is as good as mine.”