“Hoping for a debate about freedom, not fatness, the industry has created a coalition called New Yorkers for Beverage Choices to coordinate its public relations efforts in the city. On Thursday, the group introduced its first radio spot ... proclaiming, ‘This is about protecting our freedom of choice.’ ” — The New York Times, July 1

I. A well-stocked fridge, being necessary to the stuffing of the face, the right of the people to consume alarmingly large sandwiches washed down by more than 16 fluid ounces of soda shall not be infringed; nor shall any person have to answer for the number of sticky buns consumed in a single sitting, except in a time of public danger, such as a Congressionally declared sticky-bun shortage.

II. All people traveling by air shall retain the right to move freely about the cabin so long as it remains possible to hurdle the thighs of the person in the aisle seat. In the event that a passenger reclines so far as to drive a tray table into the lungs of the person seated behind, the injured party shall retain the right to say “Seriously?” in a voice that is quiet but still audible to everyone within three rows.

III. The freedom to appear on a reality TV program in which one is humiliated and cursed at before being booted off by a B-list celebrity host shall not be restricted. If accused of being a skank, one must be informed of the accusation, be able to obtain witnesses in his or her favor and be allowed to defend the alleged skankiness during a weepy confessional that reveals that the accusers, are, in fact, the true skanks.