OH COOL, A PREVIEW ! ( announcer )Coming this summer, it's the classic filmthat changed America. "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial" ! The new, redone versionfor 2002 ! All the E.T. effects have beendigitally upgraded. All the guns have been digitallychanged to walkie-talkies. And the word "terrorist" hasbeen changed to "hippie". AW, DUDE, WHY WOULDTHEY DO THAT ? YEAH, HIPPIES AND TERRORISTSARE THE SAME THING. NO, DUDE, SPIELBERG CHANGEDTERRORIST TO HIPPIE TO MAKE E.T. MORE P.C. THAT'S GAY. Coming this summer, It's the motion picturethat changed America. "Saving Private Ryan",the re-re-release, where the word "NAZI"has been changed to "persons with politicaldifferences". And all the guns have beenreplaced by walkie-talkies. ( gunfire, screaming ) WHY THE HELL DO THESE DIRECTORSKEEP UPDATING THEIR MOVIES ?! And now for yourfeature presentation ! The classic re-re-re-release of "Star Wars: The EmpireStrikes Back ! ( all )WOO HOO ! ( all )AAAAAGHHH ! GOD DAMMIT,THAT PISSES ME OFF ! YEAH, WE WANTOUR MONEY BACK ! SORRY, SUCKERS ! YOU ASSHOLE ! WHY DON'T THEY LEAVETHOSE MOVIES ALONE ! WE LIKED THEM THE WAYTHEY WERE ! DON'T YOU SEEWHAT THIS MEANS ? ALL OUR FAVORITE MOVIES AREGOING TO BE CHANGED AND UPDATED UNTIL WE CAN'T EVENRECOGNIZE THEM ANYMORE ! TWEEK IS RIGHT. IT ISN'T FAIR FOR THOSEASSHOLE DIRECTORS TO KEEP CHANGING THEIR MOVIESAND MAKING THEM DIFFERENT ! MOVIES ARE ART AND ARTSHOULDN'T BE MODIFIED ! YEAH, WHAT IFTHEY HAD MODIFIED THE ROMAN COLOSSEUMEVERY YEAR ? IT WOULD JUST BE ANOTHERBIG "DOUCHIE" STADIUM NOW ! WE HAVE TODO SOMETHING ! LET'S FORM A CLUB ! YEAH, WE COULDFORM A CLUB THAT TAKES FOOD STAMPSFROM POOR PEOPLE AND THEN SELLS THEM BACK TOTHE GOVERNMENT FOR A PROFIT ! NO, FAT-ASS ! I MEAN A CLUB TO PROTECTFILMS FROM THEIR DIRECTORS SO THEY CAN'T BEMESSED WITH ! YEAH, WE'LL BE THE "SAVE FILMSFROM THEIR OWN DIRECTORS' CLUB". YEAH ! NO !NO, NO ! I DON'T WANNA FORM A CLUB !THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE ! LOOK, I'M SUPPOSED TOTAKE IT EASY. JUST WATCH THE CLOUDS,SIT IN THE GRASS. IF WE FORM A CLUB THERE'LL BERESPONSIBILITIES, COMMITMENTS ! TWEEK, NOW GOD DAMMIT, WE PICKED YOU TOREPLACE KENNY BECAUSE WE THOUGHT YOU WEREA TEAM PLAYER ! I'M NOT ! I'M NOTA TEAM PLAYER ! NOW EITHER YOU STOP WITHTHESE "FAGGOTRONICS" OR WE'LL FIND SOMEONETO REPLACE YOU ! AAAGH !OH, JESUS !

YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS ! OH GOD !I'VE GOT TERRIBLE NEWS ! WHAT ? TED KOPPEL WANTS USTO APPEAR ON "NIGHTLINE" TO TALK ABOUT OUR CAUSE ! REALLY ?THAT'S GREAT ! NO, IT ISN'T, MAN ! THAT IS WAYTOO MUCH PRESSURE ! IF WE GO ON NIGHTLINE, THE WHOLECOUNTRY CAN HEAR ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING TOOUR CLASSIC FILMS ! JUST REMEMBER THATI DO ALL THE TALKING. YOU ? WHY ? BECAUSE I'M THEOFFICIAL SPOKESMAN. I GOT DIBS ON IT. WHEN DID WE DODIBS FOR IT ? JUST NOW.ONE TWO THREE-- DIBS ! KNEE. ALRIGHT, FINE, YOU'RETHE SPOKESMAN, CARTMAN. BUT YOU BETTER NOTSCREW IT UP ! WHAT COULDPOSSIBLY GO WRONG ? A NEW MOVEMENT ISSWEEPING THE COUNTRY, LED BY FOUR DETERMINED BOYSFROM SOUTH PARK, COLORADO. THE ORGANIZATION WAS CREATEDTO PROTECT HOLLYWOOD'S CLASSIC FILMS FROM THE HANDSOF THEIR DIRECTORS, AND ALSO TO FREEHAT McCULLOUGH. SO BOYS, I'LL ASK YOUTHE QUESTION THAT'S ONEVERYONE'S MINDS. WHY DOES YOUR ORGANIZATION WANTTO FREE HAT McCULLOUGH, THE CONVICTED, CONFESSED SERIALMURDERER OF 23 BABIES ? I BELIEVE THAT CANBEST BE ANSWERED BY OUR OFFICIALSPOKESMAN, TWEEK. AGH ! WELL, HAT McCULLOUGH ADMITTEDHE KILLED THOSE TODDLERS, WHY DO YOU WANT HIM FREE ? OH, JESUS, MAN ! JUST ANSWER METHIS, TWEEK-- WHAT DO YOU SEE AS POSITIVEABOUT TODDLER MURDER ? UH, UH, IT'S...IT'S EASY ? YES, IT IS EASY. ALRIGHT, THEN ON TOYOUR OTHER CAUSE. "SAVING FILMS FROMTHEIR DIRECTORS". WHAT GOT YOU BOYSINTERESTED IN THIS ? ESPECIALLY GIVEN YOURPRO-TODDLER MURDER STATUS. WE BELIEVE THAT FILMS HAVE TO BETAKEN AWAY FROM PEOPLE LIKE STEVEN SPIELBERG AND GEORGELUCAS BECAUSE THEY'RE INSANE. I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT, BOYS,BECAUSE JOINING US NOW ARE STEVEN SPIELBERGAND GEORGE LUCAS ! OH CHRIST, AGH ! HELLO, TED.HI, TED. GENTLEMEN, THESE TODDLER MURDERFANS THINK THAT YOU'RE INSANE AND SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWEDTO ALTER YOUR FILMS.YOUR RESPONSE ? WELL, FIRST OF ALL,BOTH GEORGE AND I ARE VERY FIRMLY AGAINSTTHE MURDERING OF TODDLERS. HEAR, HEAR. DUDE, THAT'S STEVEN SPIELBERGAND GEORGE LUCAS. GET ME OUT OF HERE ! PLEASE SOMEBODY GET MEOUT OF HERE ! AND AS FORALTERING OUR FILMS, ALL WE'RE DOING REACHINGA NEW AUDIENCEWITH OUR MOVIES. AS THE MAKERS OF DREAMS, WE LIKETO SPEAK FOR THE CHILDREN. UH, WE THOUGHT WE WERESPEAKING FOR THE CHILDREN. YEAH, WE'RE CHILDREN. LOOK, IF THE BEATLES WENT BACKAND UPDATED "THE WHITE ALBUM" EVERY FEW YEARS,WHAT WOULD WE HAVE NOW ? YEAH, THESE GUYS ARE ONLYMOTIVATED BY MONEY, TED. HOW SO ? THINK ABOUT IT--SPIELBERG: JEW. LUCAS: JEW.KYLE: JEW. COINCIDENCE ? I'M NOT A JEW ! YOU LITTLE BRATS-- I MEAN,YOU DARLING CHILDREN DON'T KNOW WHATYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. CHANGING E.T. WAS THEBEST THING I EVER DID. DUDE, DON'T YOU SEETHAT IT'S NOT ? IT'D BE LIKE CHANGING"RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK" ! WAIT A MINUTE,WHAT DID YOU SAY ? THAT'S BRILLIANT ! YES, CHANGE RAIDERSOF THE LOST ARK, WHY DIDN'T WETHINK OF IT BEFORE ? NO ! NO !

THE POLICE AREON THEIR WAY, BOYS. SOON YOU'LL BE IN JAILGETTING RAMMED ! AAGH ! THOSE RAMS CAN DO TO US WHATTHEY WILL, MR. LUCAS, BUT WE'LL NEVER STOPTRYING TO PROTECT FILMS ! IT'S NOT TOO LATETO DO WHAT'S RIGHT. GIVE US THE PRINT. THERE'S STILL SOME GOODIN YOU, MR. LUCAS, WE KNOW THERE IS ! IT IS... TOO LATEFOR ME, BOYS. YOU YOURSELFLED THE CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE COLORIZATIONOF FILMS. YOU UNDERSTAND WHY FILMSSHOULDN'T BE CHANGED ! THAT'S DIFFERENT. THESE ARE MY MOVIES,I MADE THEM, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DOWHATEVER I WANT WITH THEM. YOU'RE WRONG,MR. LUCAS. THEY'RE NOT YOUR MOVIES,THEY'RE OURS. ALL OF OURS. WE PAID TO GO SEE THEM, AND THEY'RE JUST AS MUCH A PARTOF OUR LIVES AS THEY ARE OF YOURS. WHEN AN ARTIST CREATES, WHATEVER THEY CREATEBELONGS TO SOCIETY. HAVE I...BECOME SO OLD THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN WHATBEING AN ARTIST IS ABOUT ? GIVE THE PRINT TO US SO THAT WECAN PROTECT IT FROM SPIELBERG AND ANYONE ELSEWHO WANTS TO ALTER IT. PERHAPS...YOU ARE RIGHT. ( door opens )STOP ! WHAT ARE YOUDOING, GEORGE ? STEVEN, I-- GIVE ME THAT PRINT,GEORGE. WE NEED TO MAKETHE ALTERATIONS. STEVEN, THESE BOYSHAD A POINT. I DON'T REMEMBER WHATIT WAS, BUT IT WAS GOOD. YOU HAVEN'T LET THESEDOE-EYED CHILDREN AFFECT YOUR JUDGMENT,HAVE YOU, GEORGE ? DON'T FORGET--YOU BELONG TO ME. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM ! YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TOPRESERVE YOUR FILM ! I'M...I'M SORRY, BOYS. HA HA HA-HAAAA ! NOW, TAKE THE CHILDRENPRISONER ! WHAT ?! YOU TROUBLEMAKERS SHALL BEMY GUESTS OF HONOR AT THE PREMIERE OF THE NEWRAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK ! YOUR GAY LITTLE CLUBIS OVER ! ( bleep ) YOU,STEVEN SPIELBERG ! COME ON, YOU GUYS ! OH MY GOD, THEY'REGONNA KILL US ! DON'T EVENTHINK ABOUT IT, KID ! I'M NOT AFRAID TO USETHIS WALKIE-TALKIE. THE ONE WITH THE COCAINEPROBLEM ESCAPED,MEIN DIRECTOR ! LEAVE HIM ! LET HIM RUN BACKTO HIS MOMMY. WE MUST GET THE FILM READYFOR THE PREMIERE. LUCAS ! COME !

DUDE, THAT SIGN SUCKS,NOBODY'S GONNA SHOW UP ! WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT ? LOOK AT IT, DUDE, YOU'RE NOT OFFERINGANY FABULOUS PRIZES. YOU HAVE TO OFFERFABULOUS PRIZES IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO SHOW UPFOR YOUR STUPID CRAP. HERE... FREE HAT ? YEAH, IF YOU OFFER FREE HATS,MAYBE PEOPLE WILL SHOW UP. BUT WE DON'THAVE HATS ! WE CAN MAKE THEMOUT OF PAPER. IT'S NOT HARD, JUST STUPIDLITTLE PAPER HATS. PEOPLE JUST NEED FREE STUFF. DON'T YOU GUYSKNOW ANYTHING ? YOU SEE ? FIRST WE WERE JUST FORMING ACLUB, NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE HATS ! WHERE DOES IT END ?! ALRIGHT, LET'S GO GETTHE GYMNASIUM READY. TWEEK, YOU GO MAKE50 HATS. 50 HATS ?OH JESUS ! I'LL NEVER MAKE IT !I'LL NEVER MAKE IT ! TWEEK ! CALM DOWN, SON. REMEMBER WHATDR. NORRIS TOLD YOU-- FIND YOUR CENTER. MY CENTER ? MY CENTER. CALM... PUPPIES. ( Cartman )TWEEK ! TWEEK !! TWEEEEEEKK !!! HOW MANY HATSHAVE YOU MADE ? OH GOD ! WE ONLY HAVE UNTIL 10 A.M.TOMORROW, GET THE LEAD OUT ! AAGH, OH GOD !

I WAS UP ALL NIGHTMAKING HATS-- I ONLY SLEPT FOR AN HOUR-- AND THEN I DREAMT ABOUTMAKING HATS ! BUT I ONLY MADE 15 ! CALM DOWN, TWEEK.15 MIGHT BE ENOUGH. YEAH, LET'S SEE IF ANYONE'SEVEN SHOWN UP YET. DUDE, THERE'S LIKE A THOUSANDPEOPLE IN THERE ! A THOUSAND ?OH JESUS, MAN ! I DON'T HAVE NEARLYA THOUSAND HATS ! THEY'RE GONNA KICKYOUR ASS, TWEEK ! TWEEK, IT'S OKAY ! LOOK, MAYBE THESE PEOPLEALL TURNED OUT BECAUSE THEY BELIEVEIN SAVING FILMS ! MAYBE THEY DON'T EVEN CAREABOUT THE FREE HAT ! ( crowd chanting )FREE HAT !FREE HAT !... OH GOD ! I TOLD YOU GUYS-- NEVER UNDERESTIMATETHE POWER OF A FREE HAT. I GOTTA MOVE AWAY,YOU GUYS ! RELAX, TWEEK, WE'RE JUST GONNAHAVE TO GO IN THERE AND EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGSRIGHT NOW THAN FREE HATS. ( cheering ) OKAY, UH, WE WANNA THANK YOUALL FOR COMING. WE'RE REALLY HAPPY TO SEE SUCHENTHUSIASM FOR OUR CAUSE. UH, ONE THINGBEFORE I CONTINUE: UNFORTUNATELY, WE DON'T HAVEENOUGH OF THE FREE HATSFOR EVERYONE. ( cheering dies off ) UH, EXCUSE ME ? YES, WE APOLOGIZE,BUT OUR FRIEND TWEEK HERE, DIDN'T MAKEENOUGH OF THEM. OH JESUS, DON'TTELL THEM IT WAS ME ! WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. YOU DON'T ? YOU MEAN YOU JUST CAME BECAUSEYOU BELIEVE IN OUR CAUSE ? YEAH, FREE HAT ! WHAT ?! HAT McCULLOUGH ! HE WAS SENT TOPRISON IN '82 AND WE BELIEVE HE SHOULDBE RELEASED ! YEAH ! ( chanting )FREE HAT !FREE HAT !... OKAY, APPARENTLY,THERE'S BEEN A BIT OFA MISUNDERSTANDING. THIS IS A RALLY TO SAVE FILMSFROM THEIR DIRECTORS. TO DO WHAT ? WE BELIEVE THAT FILMS ARE PIECESOF ART THAT MUST BE PRESERVED FROM THE PERVERSE HANDSOF THEIR AGING FILMMAKERS. OH... SORRY. COME ON, EVERYONE, GUESSWE'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE. FREE HAT !FREE HAT ! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT ! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENINGOUT THERE ? THE FILMS THAT YOU ALL GREW UPWITH, THAT TOUCHED YOUR LIVES AND ARE A PART OF YOUR SOUL, ARENOW BEING UPDATED AND CHANGED. JOIN US AND WE CAN BE A GROUPTHAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE ! CAN WE ALSO WORK TOWARDSFREEING HAT ? UH, SURE, AND WE'LL ALSOTRY TO FREE HAT. ( raucous cheering ) FREE HAT !FREE HAT !...

MEMBERS, THIS IS OURDARKEST HOUR. WE HAVE JUST LEARNEDTHAT GEORGE LUCASAND STEVEN SPIELBERG NOW INTEND TO UPDATE AND CHANGE"RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK". ( murmuring ) THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY WE CANSTOP THIS IMPORTANT, HISTORICAL PIECE OF ARTFROM BEING HARMED. MR. SECRETARY ? THANK YOU. OUR INTELLIGENCE TELLS US THATTHE ORIGINAL NEGATIVE TO RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IS CURRENTLY SOMEWHEREIN GEORGE LUCAS' HOUSE. WE NEED TO FINDAND USURP THAT NEGATIVE. AND IF WE CAN GET A HOLDOF THE NEGATIVE, THEY CAN'T CHANGETHE MOVIE ? THAT'S OURUNDERSTANDING. SOUNDS LIKEA GOOD IDEA TO ME ! I DON'T WANT THEM TO CHANGERAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK ! YEAH ! WE SHOULD GET THATNEGATIVE AS SOON ASWE GET HAT FREE ! ( crowd )YEAH ! FREE HAT !FREE HAT ! NO, NO, WE NEED TO DOTHIS FIRST. BUT WE HAVE TO FREE HAT. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,HE KILLED 23 BABIES. YEAH, BUT IT WASIN SELF-DEFENSE ! YEAH !YEAH ! HE KILLED 23 BABIESIN SELF-DEFENSE ? HAT WAS ATTACKED MALICIOUSLYAND UNPROVOKED BY A GANG OF BABIESIN WESTOWN PARK. WHEN THAT MANY BABIESGET TOGETHER THEY CAN BE LIKE PIRANHA. THREE EYEWITNESSESTESTIFIED THAT IF HAT HADN'T KILLED THOSEBABIES, THEY'D A KILLED HIM ! YEAH !FREE HAT ! FREE HAT ! ALRIGHT, BUT RIGHT NOWWE GOTTA FOCUS ON GETTING THOSE ORIGINALPRINTS OF RAIDERS. HE'S RIGHT,WE BETTER SPLIT UP. SOME OF YOU GO WITH THE BOYSTO GET THOSE FILM PRINTS, THE REST COME WITH ME TO GO TALK TO THE GOVERNORABOUT FREEING HAT ! YEAH ! FREE HAT !FREE HAT !... WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNAHAVE TO DO THIS OURSELVES. NO, THAT'S IT !I'M OUT ! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE STRESSYOU GUYS CREATE ! WE'RE JUST GONNAFLY TO CALIFORNIA AND BREAK INTO GEORGELUCAS' HOUSE-- WHAT'S STRESSFULABOUT THAT ? AAGH ! OKAY, TWEEK, LET METELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU'VE BEEN OUR NEW FRIEND NOWFOR TWO WEEKS, OKAY ? AND I'VE GOTTA BE HONEST WITHYOU, IT ISN'T GOING WELL. PEOPLE AREN'T THAT INTO YOU,TWEEK, THEY FIND YOU ANNOYING. NOW I'D SAY YOU'VE GOTONE LAST SHOT HERE, AND I DON'T WANT YOUTO BLOW IT, OKAY ? DOES THAT HELP TAKETHE STRESS OFF ?

OKAY, GO. I'M NOT BREAKING INTOGEORGE LUCAS' HOUSE. I'M NOT BREAKINGINTO GEORGE LUCAS' HOUSE. I'M IN A GREEN FIELD. SHUT UP, TWEEK, THIS IS NOTTHE TIME FOR "FAGGOCITY" ! THIS LOOKS LIKETHE RIGHT ROOM. I'M IN A FIELD,SURROUNDED BY DEER. OVER HERE ! THAT'S IT ! ALRIGHT,GET IT, TWEEK ! NU-UH ! GET IT,YOU PIECE OF CRAP BEFORE I GRAB YOUR NUTSACKAND TWIST IT ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?! OH GOD !OH JESUS ! YOU'RE THE BOYS FROMTHAT STUPID CLUB ! GIMME THAT ! DO WITH USWHAT YOU WILL, MR. LUCAS, BUT PLEASE DON'T CHANGERAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. WE'RE GONNAMAKE IT BETTER. THE MOVIE IS GONNA BE CHANGEDAND THAT IS THAT ! ALRIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT. I'M AFRAID YOULEAVE US NO CHOICE ! IT'S TIME FOR PLAN B. ! AW, REALLY ? OH GOD,NOT PLAN B. ! YOU HAVE A HEARTMADE OF ICE, MR. LUCAS, SO WE'RE GOING TOMELT YOUR ICY HEART WITH A COOL ISLAND SONG. GENTLEMEN ? WHAT ?! HIT IT, TWEEK ! ( steel drum music ) ♪ IN THE TROPICAL ISLESWITH THE COCONUT TREES-- ♪ WAIT, WAIT ! I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNACOOL HIS HOT HEART WITH A COOL ISLAND SONG. NO, HE HAS A ICY HEART. BUT YOU CAN'T MELT ICE WITHA COOL SONG, R-TARD ! SO WE HAVE TO WARMHIS ICY HEART WITH A HOTISLAND SONG ? IT'S A COOL ISLAND SONG ! THEN WE'RE GONNA END UPFREEZING HIS HELLISH HEART WITH A COOL ISLAND SONG. AW, DO WE WANNADO THAT ? ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT !

OF THE VERY FIRST, PILOT EPISODEOF "SOUTH PARK" ! YES, THE CLASSIC, ROUGH,HAND-MADE FIRST EPISODE IS GETTING A MAKEOVERFOR 2002 ! THE SIMPLE, FUNNY ALIENS ARE NOWSUPER BAD-ASS AND COOL ! THE FLYING SAUCER ? NO LONGER CHEAP CONSTRUCTIONPAPER-- BUT A 4.0 MEGAPIXEL NON-DROP DIGITAL MASTERPIECEOF TECHNOLOGY ! YES, EVERYTHING'S NEW.NEW IS BETTER ! WHEN WE FIRST MADESOUTH PARK, WE DIDN'T WANT TO USECONSTRUCTION PAPER, WE JUST HAD TOBECAUSE IT WAS CHEAP. NOW WITH NEW TECHNOLOGY WE CANFINALLY RE-MASTER SOUTH PARK TO MAKE IT LOOK SHARP,CLEAN AND FOCUSED. AND EXPENSIVE. YES, ALL THE CHARM OFTHE SIMPLE LITTLE CARTOON WILL MELT BEFORE YOUR EYES AS IT IS REPLACED BY NEWER ANDMORE STANDARDIZED ANIMATION ! FOR INSTANCE, THE SCENEAT THE BUS STOP. WE ALWAYS MEANT TO HAVEIMPERIAL WALKERS ANDGIANT DEWBACK LIZARDS IN THE BACKGROUND, BUTSIMPLY COULDN'T AFFORD IT. GET THIS SPECIAL ENHANCEDVERSION QUICK ! BECAUSE ANOTHER ENHANCED VERSIONWILL LIKELY BE COMING OUTFOR 2003 !

MEMBERS ! UH, OH JESUS--YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ! OUR CLUB'S PRESIDENT, TREASURER,AND SECRETARY HAVE ALL BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGEBY STEVEN SPIELBERG ! AGH ! PRISONER ?YOU MEAN LIKE HAT ? YES, JUST LIKE HAT ! BUT THE GOVERNORWON'T PARDON HAT, SO HOW CAN WE GET HIMOUT OF PRISON ? YEAH ! NO, LISTEN TO ME ! WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUTHAT RIGHT NOW, OKAY ? GET IT ?! LOOK, WE WENT TOGEORGE LUCAS' HOUSE AND TRIED TO MELT HIS ICY HEARTWITH A WARM ISLAND SONG, BUT THEN SPIELBERG SHOWED UP AND TOOK THREE OFOUR MEMBERS PRISONER ! THEY'RE GOING TO PREMIERE THENEW RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK AND WE HAVE TO RESCUE THEM,DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?! HEY, HE'S GOTA POINT THERE. YEAH, MAYBE WE COULD MELTTHE GOVERNOR'S ICY HEART WITH A COOLISLAND SONG ! YEAH !LET'S GO ! NO ! NO ? NO, HE'S RIGHT. WE HAVE TO FREEZE HIS HOT HEARTWITH A COOL ISLAND SONG ! OR IS IT FRESHEN HIS HOT TEMPERWITH A COOL ISLAND SONG ? LET'S COOL HIS HOT TEMPERWITH A FRESH ISLAND SONG ! THAT'S IT ! OH GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE TODO THIS MYSELF ! OH GOD !

TONIGHT, STEVEN SPIELBERGAND GEORGE LUCAS WILL BE AT THE PREMIERE OFTHE NEW, SPECIAL EDITION OF RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. LOTS OF CELEBRITY GUESTSAND OTHER RICH PEOPLE WILL BE ON HAND TO WITNESSALL THE UPDATED EFFECTS AND MODERNIZED TECHNOLOGY ! HO-OH ! THE KID ? THE TWEEKED-OUT KID ? I'M GONNA BLOW UPTHE PRINT, SPIELBERG ! ( guns cocking ) YOUR PERSISTENCESURPRISES EVEN ME. SURELY YOU DON'T THINK YOU CANESCAPE FROM THIS PREMIERE ? THAT DEPENDS ON HOW REASONABLEWE'RE ALL WILLING TO BE. ALL I WANTARE MY FRIENDS. WOW... EXCEPT FOR CARTMAN,YOU CAN KEEP HIM. AH ! AND IF WE REFUSE ? THEN YOUR PREMIEREHAS NO MOVIE ! HE'S DEFINITELYLOST IT. YUP. OKAY, OKAY,STAND BACK. STAND BACK, BACK ! OKAY, KID, YOU WIN,BLOW IT UP. ZUROCH ! ZUROCH ! BLOW IT BACK TO GOD. ALL YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN THEPURSUIT OF SEEING A GREAT FILM. THIS NEW VERSION OF RAIDERSHAS DIGITAL EFFECTS BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS. YOU WANT TO SEE IT SCREENEDJUST AS MUCH AS I. COME ON, TWEEK,BLOW IT UP ! SON, WE ARE SIMPLY PASSINGTHROUGH HISTORY. THIS-- IS IMPROVED HISTORY. DO AS YOU WILL. ( guns cocking ) ♪ IN THE TROPICAL ISLESWITH THE COCONUT TREES ♪ ♪ THE AIR IS FRESH ANDTHE PEOPLE ARE FREE ♪ ♪ BUT HERE IN THE MOUNTAINSTHERE'S NO FREEDOM LIKE THAT ♪ ♪ THERE'S A MAN IN PRISONAND HIS NAME IS HAT ♪♪

HAFFAAA MALI FI ! THANKS FOR COMING,EVERYONE ! THIS IS THE BIRTHOF THE NEW VERSION OF RAIDERSOF THE LOST ARK ! WE SHALL SCREEN IT HEREAND THEN DESTROY ALL THE OLD PRINTSIN CELEBRATION ! HOORAY ! BEGIN THE FILM ! OHH, AAAHH ! YOU GUYS ! CLOSE YOUR EYES,DON'T LOOK AT IT ! WHAT ? DON'T WATCH THE MOVIEYOU GUYS ! IT'LL BE TERRIBLE,CLOSE YOUR EYES ! OOHHH...AAHH... IT'S BEAUTIFUL ! ( Ewok chatter ) WAIT A MINUTE. THIS VERSIONIS AWFUL ! YEAH, THEY RUINED IT ! OH MY GOD,IT'S TERRIBLE ! AAAAGH ! ( screaming ) YOU...YOU GUYS OKAY ? YEAH, I THINK SO. MAN, THAT NEW VERSIONMUST'VE SUCKED BALLS. ( cheering,marching band music )