'I applaud any initiative that brings science closer to the average layperson, even if it has to be porn, so be it,' an anonymous CERN researcher claims.

Fabio Pantalone, CERN’s spokesperson, explains: ‘What we do at the Large Hadron Collider is among mankind’s most serious and expensive scientific experiments. We learn a lot about the universe and hope to answer fundamental questions about it. Juvenile jokes about ‘long tunnels’ and ‘orgasm fields’ debase us and make us look bad.’

One can’t fault SMUTZ Studios, the German company that made the Large Hardon Collider parody, for not being creative, though. Promotional material claims that ‘scientists discover new sex particles every day’ and ‘ram into each other at high speeds’, in addition to ‘attempting to penetrate the ultimate black holes.’

Characters include Neil deAss Tyson, as a parody on the famous American phycist, and most shockingly, a wheelchair-bound adult actor who is meant to be a parody on the British scientist Stephen Hawking. Mr Hawking’s porno antipode sports a bristling moustache and speaks with a conspicuous Polish accent.

‘We don’t have a problem with comedy,’ says Mr Pantalone, ‘but there are already enough people who call CERN into question that an adult movie is not something that is welcome at this point. Not to mention it is disrespectful to well-known scientists.’

Not everyone is convinced CERN has the right to be angry. Ian MacDonald, a phycisist involved with the institute, says: ‘What we do is very far removed from every day reality for most people. I applaud any initiative that brings science closer to the average layperson, and if it has to be pornography, so be it.’

Managing director of SMUTZ Studios, Dietmar Breitling, declined comment but did put out an official statement. ‘Adult entertainment is a fundamental part of freedom of expression. We do not mean to ridicule the important scientific achievements of CERN. Science is sexy, and we want to show that.’

Mr Breitling goes on to add that parody is fundamental to pornography: ‘In the past, we have produced highly acclaimed films such as ‘International Sex Station’, ‘Spank Bank Crisis’ and ‘Collateral Cum Swap’ that pay tribute to cross-border issues of the day. CERN has no reason to feel ashamed or angry.’

Fabio Pantalone, CERN:

‘Juvenile jokes about ‘long tunnels’ and ‘orgasm fields’ make us look bad’

CERN is located in Geneva, Switzerland and was founded in 1954. It’s self-avowed mission statement is ‘probing the fundamental structure of the universe ‘. If we are to believe Mr Breitlings Large Hardon Collider, its scientists are equally adept at probing other things.