I am very very very embarrassed about this and it is 100%% true...please no haters! My life really sucks because of this. Ok, here it goes...

I have done this since I was 13 or so and I don't remember how I started, I wish I would never have! I found some kind of pleasure in making myself poop bc it was convenient for me to poop on my time. I was in dance, tennis, drama club, chorus and many other afterschool activities and pooping was so annoying. So I guess I figured out how to "make myself go" when I was at home, comfortable. I did this by squatting in front of the toilet and inserting one finger into my anus, this gave me the feeling of having to go, and miraculously, wiggling it around "tricked" my body into helping me trigger the "gotta go" gland and made my muscles easily push and out came the poo and I was relieved. I continued to do this for the last 9 years, and I am nearly 23 and can't make myself poo any other way! I have tried eating lots and lots of fiber and my stools are soft, but over time that I wore that "trigger" out! So now, my was is THE ONLY way I can poo! It is sooooo bad, I can't go ANYWHERE in public like an airplane, etc. I have classically conditioned my body to avoid long gatherings in case I get the urge to go and can't bc the stall's walls don't go all the way to the floor or someone will notice that "distinct smell" on my hand eventhough I scrub and wash my hand with hot water and antibacterial soap for atleast a min after I go. Does ANYBODY else have this sort of trouble?? please Help me! How am I going to work? School is hard enough, I have to schedule my classes in such a way that I can go home often. Help me, this isn't a prank, or a lie, or a joke... I am serious. It is ruining my life. I have tried to sit on the toilet and push, and push and push, and sometimes it works, but most of the time I can never "finish" with that "refreshed/relieved" feeling like I did when I was a kid. If there is anyone out there that has/knows of/ etc. this problem. I am all ears. I feel so bad, what have I done to my body???