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RENAMING his staff’s gratuity payments for their dedicated service over the past year as his ‘rainy day fund’, restaurant owner Mike Davis admitted he was now glad that he held on to all those tips which have been fuelling his lockdown expenses for the past 5 weeks.

“It must have been a subconscious decision where a part of my brain foretold of a downturn in revenue, forcing a default survival mechanism, telling me to hold on to all those tips,” Davis opened up, admitting that spending the tax free money didn’t feel as bad as actually spending his own.

“Drinking every night and ordering takeout really eats into your finances and I wouldn’t know what I’d have done without all those tips – I’d probably have spent all my own hard earned money instead,” he said before going on to thank loyal customers for unintentionally donating their money directly to him, “it goes to show, when you run a good business you will get rewarded for your hard work eventually”.

The money, which was dropped into a tip jar labelled ‘staff tips’ by customers hoping to reward waiting staff for their excellent service, had been accumulating in the company safe for ‘safekeeping’ for several months now, with Davis making promises to staff of holidays abroad, team nights out and at one point an actual envelope containing their deserved tips.

“I could never decide on what to do with the tips so obviously the cosmos meant for this to happen and for me to have it all,” the miserly prick justified to himself, conveniently compartmentalising several meetings which saw staff asking ‘where all the fucking tips were going’.

“Such a shame I have to let go of all the staff now because of this lockdown, but sure look; we will rebuild another restaurant empire with new, not so cocky staff members who can just do the work without all the human rights and work violation malarky,” Davis concluded, before ordering a nice expensive €39.99 bottle of Chablis online.