The good news: I think you should have no great trouble finding what you seek, you can influence it yourself, massively.

TL;DR: change yourself, not your company (with minor exceptions).

Obviously, look for companies that embrace home office work. Aside from that:

I don't like making friends at work,

I have, in fact, never seen a place where people wanted to be friends. I have witnessed plenty of people in the office where I would never ever have the slightest intention to befriend them, and where it still was easily possible to work together with them.

You don't even need to be all smiles and happy face, in most places. You should be generally acceptable though, i.e. don't start growling whenever someone passes you.

going out to eat with the team,

Just say "no", done. Don't explain, don't complain, just don't do it. They will pick it up very quickly and it should be no problem. If it is, that is if your company actually wants to enforce this, then you might have a small chat with your boss, and if he absolutely insists, then look for a new job. I'd say most companies of a decent size should be fine in this aspect.

having to go get drinks,

Drinks?! A requirement for careers? Around here (in a country where alcohol is flowing freely, in private), if someone were to order even a light alcoholic beverage, in a team of "technical" people, it would be weird.

Besides, why do you care about what people do. Even if you should happen to find yourself in company with someone ordering a proper drink - just don't do it, order water or a coke, or nothing.

team lunches,

Just say no, same as above. Bring your own stuff, eat alone. Convince them that you prefer a period of stillness or a walk instead of eating. Again, if there is real pressure, look for another employer, but I'd say you should have no trouble finding one where this is acceptable to skip.

"team outings",

If it is a simple thing (going bowling), just say no. Same as above. If the company is throwing a big event (high costs involved, the whole company or department going somewhere, with upper management addressing the mob), then it may just be that you would indeed be served well with being there. Stick through it, be done with it. This should not happen all to often.

meetups,

Meetups to discuss work really cannot be avoided - clearly this is a thing you have to work on. You still can keep it strictly business.

open offices,

Sometimes hard to avoid if there just are not enough closed spaces. Bring a big headset with noise cancellation...

or having to fit in with the culture.

Most "hippster" cultures appreciate individuality. Those cultures that do not are probably exactly what you are looking for (e.g., the business suite mentality)?

One thing that makes you seem to fit in without hurting you too much is just to grit your teeth and clothe vaguely like the average guy around you. I.e., if everyone is running around in business shirts, then just get some yourself, etc. You don't need to splash tons of money, or clothe yourself really uncomfortable; just try not to stick out that much.

I just want a job where I can show up, get my work done, and go home.

Sure, plenty of people do that. The trick is to encapsulate the things you cannot possibly avoid (meeting other people to talk about work) so that it part of "getting work done".

If you actually just want to get mechanical work doled out by a ticket system and never ever talk to anybody, then, as a web developer, you're basically out of luck.

You could look into maintenance, low level support (where you hunt for non-spectacular everyday bugs in applications), etc., and carve out a niche for you. Ask for all the boring, mechanical work that most other people are not happy about. Make sure people do not send the stuff to you by phone or mail, but by using a ticket system (you can find good reasons for that which are not related to your social preferences).