Fortunately, they didn’t have to compare the size of our penis because I’m 99% sure that mine, even in its most excited state and theirs being held by an icy hand of snow, would pale in comparison. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if their groins get charge an additional fee for being an additional piece of luggage at the airport. But Tony and Ramon are professionals while conversely, I was just there to be creepy guy in mask number 6. Yea, this is the sort of stuff that Asa gets me into, one moment eating our salads and talking about diet and the next, casting me Squirt Woman. Of course I could have said no but who knows, maybe she finds another driver who says yes and next thing you know, I’m selling oranges and flowers at the freeway off ramp to Asa and the guy I could have been.

The location was located at a dungeon in the industrial part of Los Angeles, amid some lofts and boutiques where hipsters walked around with their mustache ends tied together tight. A man with hard of hearing let us in while the rest of the crew were prepping the scene - large mirrors, full and knee height cages, phone booth containers, thrones, s&m masks, vinyl sofas in the shape of a person in doggy style, mirrors, jesus christ size crosses, dildos, anything sexual and it was there. There were about 6 or 7 people roaming around, all very friendly making me feel at ease. Because the porn industry is so small, there’s a comfort and sense of familiarity that fills the set. Asa isn’t in the film (she’s contracted to Wicked Pictures so she’s not allowed to appear in any other movies) so she prances around the set, pulling me into her dervish whirlwind of carefree fun while taking photos for her instagram. The other people don’t seem to mind so I begin to enjoy myself. Forget Disneyland, this is the most happiest place in the world.

We get into our wardrobe, a black cloak and hood and a white mask, and stand in line facing the throne. The camera rolls and Bonnie Rotten, this years AVN performer of the year (Asa who?) dressed in a latex wicked queen outfit walk over to the throne and point over to one of the hooded creepers. He walks over and stands next to her while another kneels in front. Rotten takes off her gold bikini bottom and starts rubbing her vagina. She’s an expert at female ejaculation and after a few seconds of moaning and groaning, she starts hard spraying some clear liquid. And not just a spritz but a long fire hydrants worth. Whaaat. As Jeff Spicoli would say, “I shit you not”. There’s wetness all over the floor and poor guy got it straight in the face. Now that guy knows what it feels like when he decides it all fun and games to cum on his lover’s mug. Everyone is amazed and even Rotten is surprised at the amount of g-spot juice that got emitted.

Well, my job is done, I fill out some paperwork and leave with Asa. They still have a double penetration scene but we’re hungry so Asa and I go grab some lunch. Another salad, maybe another adventure.