The White House asked the fourth-graders at Lincoln Akerman School in Hampton Falls, New Hampshire, to name a red-tailed hawk that had started living at the White House. The kids, true to their name, decided on "Lincoln," presumably in reference to the school's name and also to the Sylvester Stallone character in the 1987 arm-wrestling classic Over the Top. The bird has a Twitter account and everything. Look at Lincoln in all his sepia-tinted glory:

But wait — why is the White House asking a random group of New Hampshire fourth-graders to name a goddamn bird? Well, the fourth-graders of Lincoln Akerman School happen to really love red-tailed hawks. And New Hampshire politicians decided to take that love and smash it into a thousand tragic pieces: