GAME 15 DRUNKEN RANT

Cincinnati Bengals (5-8) @ Minnesota Vikings (10-3)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Alright, I’m going to quickly gloss over the absolute and thorough beat down the Bengals received at the hands of the Vikings so I can get to the shit you really want to talk about.

By the numbers:

1 – The number of first downs the Bengals had in the first half.

– The number of first downs the Bengals had in the first half. 7% – Bengals third down conversion rate.

– Bengals third down conversion rate. 161 – Total yards of offense by the Bengals.

– Total yards of offense by the Bengals. 39 – The age of the guy who came exploding out of his wheelchair in the retirement home to pick off Andy Dalton.

– The age of the guy who came exploding out of his wheelchair in the retirement home to pick off Andy Dalton. 34-7 – The final score.

– The final score. 0 – The collective number of shits given.

The Bengals didn’t lose because they were fucking heartbroken over the news of Marvin Lewis leaving (allegedly); they lost because they were ill-prepared, under-coached and out-played by a vastly superior Minnesota Vikings team. They got their shit pushed in by the long, throbbing coaching prowess of the guy that should currently be at the helm of this team.

I fucking miss you, Zim.

In an alternate universe where we had anyone other than Mike Brown at the helm – you’d be our coach and you’d be leading us to the Promised Land.

I don’t want to talk about that game because I sure as fuck don’t care and I know you don’t either; there’s a far more interesting news story that developed over the weekend.

The UC Bearcats going to UCLA and laying down the fucking lumber on the Bruins. Awwww yeeeeeeeah.

Right!? Right? No?

Fine…

Alright, *sigh* let’s talk about Marvin Lewis.

The Marvin Lewis news week started before the big story dropped on Sunday, it started earlier in the week when he said that it’s “not my responsibility” to get his players motivated to play.

The fuck you just say, Marv? Are you fucking serious? Do you think you’d ever hear Mike Zimmer say that? Mike Tomlin? No, you wouldn’t, because those guys are fucking football coaches.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I would like to think that our players have their own motivation$ to fucking try and I know that not all players respond to that rah-rah shit, but come oooooon. It may not be “your job” to motivate your players, but it’s the job of the organization to energize your fan base and how the fuck do you think we feel after hearing shit like that?

Do you think we should give two tits on a Ritz whether or not you beat the Lions? Fuck, man. I hope you lose, Marvin. I hope you get your ham shanks slapped on Sunday. This attitude is a big middle finger to the fan base and to this city and you can take that finger and shove it right up your ass.

Dick.

Back in 2003, Marvin Lewis took over a Bengals team that had only 5 playoff wins in franchise history. In 2017, after 15 years, Marvin Lewis will leave a Bengals team that has only 5 playoff wins in franchise history. — Elite Andy Dalton (@EvilAndyDalton) December 17, 2017

Now, as for “the news”. Adam Schefter broke the story about two hours before kickoff that Marvin Lewis would be leaving the team after this season.

BREAKING: After 15 seasons in Cincinnati, Marvin Lewis is planning to leave the Bengals after this season to pursue opportunities elsewhere. pic.twitter.com/U9oEIa3YjA — Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 17, 2017

LET’S CELEBRATE! Right? Right?!

Finally we are free.

Finally… ?? #MarvinLewis A post shared by Cincinnati Problems (@cincyproblems) on Dec 17, 2017 at 8:28am PST

Nope.

Just kidding.

This is Cincinnati sports… you know better than to be hopeful and optimistic.

Instead of riding off into the sunset on his 0 playoff winning horse, Marvin decided to keep the clown show rolling ahead full steam. Marvin immediately denied the “rumor” that ESPN had broke, because of course he fucking did.

Holy shit. Marvin Lewis just laughed and denied the @ESPN report that he is leaving after this season. pic.twitter.com/96CCNYsvlw — Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 17, 2017

You can shit on the media all you want, but Adam Schefter is probably the most connected media member on the fucking planet; for Marvin to flat-out say that it’s not true is just such a dick-bag move, especially after his BFF Hue Jackson confirmed the report.

Hold off on the parade for now..

Every day since it has sounded more and more that the rumor is true, so, the question now is ‘Who do the Bengals hire?’. I’ve heard everything from eye-rolling internal candidates like Darin Simmons, to why-the-fuck-would-they-come-here names like Brian Kelly.

I have absolutely no idea who they’ll hire and I’m holding back my optimism for one wrinkly, liver-spotted reason; Mike ‘mock turtle soup’ Brown.

He is the cloud of dread that hangs over the hope I have for this football franchise. Do you really have faith in Mike Brown to hire someone that will right this ship? Do you see Mike Brown hiring a fiery, out-spoken, strong-willed football coach? Do you see him going out and landing a marquis candidate, a household name? I sure as fuck don’t, because Mike Brown doesn’t do that, but like most things when it comes to the Cincinnati Bengals, I can hope.

On an unrelated note, for a team that doesn’t care about the Cincinnati Bengals, the Pittsburgh Steelers sure act like they care about the Cincinnati Bengals. First they had their TD celebration mocking AJ Green, now they have a TD celebration mocking Ju-Ju Smith-Schusters illegal hit on Vontaze Burfict.

Really?

Celebrate hurting people and no one will blink when it happens to you. (stay classy @TeamJuJu) pic.twitter.com/Bgg462xz4H — Elite Andy Dalton (@EvilAndyDalton) December 17, 2017

You’re going to mock an illegal play that sent a player out on a stretcher? While Shazier is barely strong enough to wave his little towel and Brown just limped off the field?

For a team and fan base that claims to be the “class” of the NFL, they sure do act like a bunch of classless pricks. Maybe they should focus more of their energy on learning how to complete a catch.

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season From THE JUNGLER

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