Another prime example of how women will likely consider dumping a nice guy for no real valid reason...

Let's not generalize, shall we? That doesn't help anyone.

And - to be fair - are you prepared to tell us all that you've never once considered dumping somebody for something that others might consider "not a valid reason".

There was an enormous [non-infidelity] red flag raised last year in the thing I recently called time on. For many people, that single incident would have been cause enough to walk right then and there. And, indeed, that was my initial instinct - "That's not acceptable, I'm out - call me when you have your shit together". For other people, that might not have been such a big deal.

Anyway, an explanation - not, I stress, an excuse - was provided. A chance was requested. Unsolicited corrective action was taken and remedial efforts were made. So, a chance was given. And it was given willingly and without reserve. I don't believe in setting somebody up to fail, or making them feel like nothing they do is even good enough because you're sitting there with a metaphorical airstrike on call if they so much as breathe incorrectly. That's just a crappy situation, and I don't see how it benefits anyone.

Unfortunately, this red flag saw the raising of other red flags a few months down the road. And this time, I wasn't prepared to be in the thing while more poor choices were made, compounding the damage. So I left. I don't have hard feelings about it, I don't go around trash talking the person - we were together for a while, had a good time until we didn't and we have fundamentally different ideas about what's okay and how to "do life". That's called "being incompatible". It doesn't mean that she's some sort of demon spawn that needs to be nuked out of existence. She's a fundamentally lovely person who loved me and who I cared quite a lot about, but who has not got a grip on and resolved stuff that she needs to straighten out. She's also gorgeous. I hope she sorts herself out and deals with the stuff that tripped her up here and in her marriage (she was a BS) before getting into something else. A pattern will most definitely be repeated if she doesn't.

It's not entirely unlike things with XW. Four years before D-Day, there was an exasperating period of stupid, immature behavior involving an unhealthy female friend of hers and far too much alcohol. I say "far too much alcohol" because XW was trying to keep pace with her friend, who would drink a platoon of Marines under the table at her ease. That was a red flag. Stuff got sorted out, she came to her senses and things were okay until the summer before DDay when that behavior started again. Now, my instinct said "Get the hell out", but I was married, was buried at work with serious criminal cases etc. and I basically left it at "Sort out your nonsense or I'm going to want a divorce - I didn't move over here to put up with this shit" and I pulled what was essentially a 180 (although I didn't realize that's what I was doing). Stuff came right a few months after that, probably thought she'd successfully hidden the affair only she'd managed to get herself pregnant and it all came out in a very tragic and painful way.

People are human and people mess up. It's how they handle the aftermath of the ball being dropped that matters.

Or, as a very smart person once said, "It's not the crime; it's the cover-up".

Karmafan had a thing with a guy that "made her feel" all the stuff that she's written about. That thing ended. Now, a person takes as long as they take to get over somebody. That stuff isn't linear, and there is nothing objectively "wrong" with thinking about how something might have worked out. The real trouble starts when the past doesn't stay in the past, and if you invite it into the present - particularly if you're in something with somebody else. Bringing "the one that got away" into "your new beginning" because you haven't resolved whatever it is you haven't resolved is only going to end up in chaos, drama, badly hurt feelings and quite possibly gunplay.

Finish one thing before starting something else. And if this hoover that Dude One has just pulled is THAT strong and the OP wants to go for it with Dude One that badly , then at least let her have the common courtesy to at least let Dude Two know what time it is. An ex is usually an ex for a bloody good reason or reasons, and fifteen minutes with the reality of Dude One would have the OP realizing that she's being a bit dim.

I also want to make it clear that no judgment is being passed by myself on the OP. I don't get the sense that she's going to do anything inappropriate here, and I think the fact that she came to SI and posted what she did speaks to her integrity etc. That said, if she's "not actually over" Dude One, then that's not exactly fair to Dude Two. I think most people would agree that they would prefer to be by themselves rather than with somebody who isn't committed to making whatever they have going on the main focus of things.

TL/DR Version - Sort your head out. Just don't be sneaky about stuff. That's not cool.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 5:35 PM, June 28th (Wednesday)]