Oh hey, radical video gamers. I don't like video games so much. I mostly can't wrap my head around the bizarre concepts, or I get completely discombobulated trying to navigate a non-side scrolling animated world. I do have an Xbox, however, and it's almost strictly to play NBA 2K. Sure I watch a little Netflix and even stumbled onto an HBO Go password, but 2K is the reason I bought that sucker. I also have the occasional rampaging urge to get a 5-star rating in Grand Theft Auto, but seriously-- 2K like a maniac weirdo.

Every year the 2K team seems to up the ante a whole lot more, and this year is no exception. One of my favorite things to do ways to waste time has always been to make a draft class of my computerized friends (basketball and otherwise), and then put them into the game and randomly bump into them at some point during my strange 2K journey. This year I may be taking that to a whole new level with the inception of the face transmogrifier. Check this wild future crap out:

Maybe you won't be able to do that for an entire draft class this year, but at the very least, that's probably in the works for the next iteration. I couldn't be more impressed by that, unless they digitally recreated my dog's face perfectly too. I would totally play as Gladys. But this soul thieving thing is pretty cool. Even for me, someone with a perfect nose and a fantastic beard, it was always tough to look as magnificent as I feel, ya know? Now I can just slap the real deal sourpuss on my guy and Rondo around for as long as I damn well please.

In the video all the way at the top there, we get to see some interesting changes in the quick play calling with more realistic spacing. The nitwit playing with the Knicks had no clue how to run a pick and roll from the Triangle and decided to Woodson things up midway through the first quarter. What you see with a top of the key isolation is now a lot more NBA-like. The players set up in a 1-4 low and give Melodious the opportunity to pull up from practically anywhere on the floor. Previously an isolation like that would have just been a 5-out type of situation, where the wing defenders can help and recover much too easily.

I don't want to give away too many of my stingy secrets of the game so you can play like me. That's actually happened to me before. I once accidentally created a school of ping pong thought at my old college. I came back one day and everybody was serving like me with the same spins and everything. Even caught a few of those fools playing with the off hand in the pocket! Doing the "whatever, dude™". I was so upset!

Anyway, a big stink has been made about there only being four players with a 90 or better rating. After looking at the overall ratings of most of the players though, it seems like 2K is creating a broader middle class. Take a look at the full rankings here. The Knicks are not one of the teams with a 90+ guy, somehow (ahem, Cole).

Here's how we shake out:

New York Knicks

89 Carmelo Anthony

78 Jose Calderon

78 J.R. Smith

77 Iman Shumpert

77 Tim Hardaway Jr

77 Amar'e Stoudemire

76 Samuel Dalembert

72 Pablo Prigioni

72 Andrea Bargnani

72 Shane Larkin

72 Jason Smith

70 Cleanthony Early

69 Travis Outlaw

67 Quincy Acy

67 Cole Aldrich

Another big stink has been made over the fact the Ernie Johnson and Shaquille "The Big Stink" O'Neal are doing some sort of studio show while the game loads and stuff. I think that's pretty cool. The biggest stink, in my opinion, is the return of Clark Kellogg and Steve Kerr. Kerr is a coach now, and the inevitable Kerr on Kerr jokes are going to bother me to no end. Meanwhile, Kellogg is a college guy, and keeps it as uninteresting as you can possibly get, fumbling over words and making up strange, forced idioms. Give me Hubie Brown or Jeff Van Gundy, or give me the ability to turn the announcers off without having to dial the meter all the way down. Its a virtual 8-second violation, and I don't like it one bit.

Oh hey, if you're in the New York City area:

New Yorkers! Came to #NBA2K15 Midnight Launch Monday. Tim Hardaway Jr. in the house! RSVP http://t.co/lFY7nVUIBy pic.twitter.com/5fQCukBDB2 — NBA 2K 2K15 (@NBA2K) October 5, 2014

There's a ton of other crapola to be excited about too, but unfortunately i don't have an Xbox Platinum or a Playstation Primavera or whatever they call them. So I get to miss out on some of the coolest stuff. Wrangle me some 2K thousand dollars and I'll keep up with you Joneses. Then I'll whup your butts up and down the court with any team you want me to pick. I'll even start whoever you want me to start, and you can even tell me who should be my leading scorer. I can't wait to watch you rage-quit when i drop 40 on you with Michael Kidd-Gilchrist through three quarters, and you're only down two. Until then, what are you looking forward to?

Good game, good game, good game...