Illustration by Bendik Kaltenborn

You heard me.

Yeah, you. I will slap you.

You want to look at me like that?

I’ll slap you so hard you’re gonna wish I hadn’t. I’ll slap you so hard you’re gonna be, like, “Don’t.”

And you? I’ll slap you, too. I’ll slap you right in the face.

Or the neck. Depends on how tall you are when you stand up.

’Cause I’m five-three, baby. Five slaps in three seconds.

That’s right. I’ll slap you so fast you won’t even know what hit you.

I mean, you’ll have a pretty good idea. Because I told you in advance. But you’ll also be distracted by—what’s that?—a second slap.

This time with the back of my hand.

And, yeah, that is a Ring Pop. Berry Blast, bitch.

Excuse me?

Oh, is this funny to you? ’Cause I’ll slap that smirk right off your face.

Then I’ll slap the ugly off your face. And onto your body.

So now you’re handsome but dumpy. Guess you’d better hit the gym, pretty boy.

And you? You think you’re tough all of a sudden? I’ll slap you so hard your grandchildren will feel it.

Like, out of nowhere, they’ll just feel a weird slapping sensation. And they’ll think, I wonder if this has something to do with our dumb-ass grandfather who’s always running his dumb old mouth.

’Cause, trust me, I’ve slapped dudes half your size. And women twice your age.

I’ve slapped men twice your volume and one-tenth your density.

I’ve slapped goat-men half your species and twice your gender. So I will not hesitate to slap you upside the head.

Like, on top of your head.

Like, a little patronizing pat on the head.

And I’ll say, “Who’s a big boy?”

And you won’t know what the hell to think.

And you? Reading your little “book.” Man, I can’t believe I haven’t slapped you already!

I’ll slap you so hard you’ll be seeing double. Like, twice as well. Because those glasses I slapped off your face were the wrong prescription.

Then I’m gonna slap you so hard I’m gonna miss entirely and hit that floral arrangement next to you. But then I’m gonna pretend like I was just giving it a high five.

So you’ll still be the loser.

Oh, what’s that?

I’m causing a scene? Well, guess what, I’ll slap you and the horse you rode in on.

Oh, excuse me, Ma’am.

No, your face looks regular length and it’s perfectly normal to give your son a piggyback ride.

But this dude?

Oh, I’ll definitely slap you.

I’ll slap you and that wheelchair you rode in . . . in. Then I’ll slap you right out of that wheelchair.

’Cause you can walk now. Praise Him.

But you? You’re not so lucky.

’Cause I’m gonna slap you silly. Then I’m gonna slap you slowly, and seriously.

Like a tearful caress.

Remember what we used to be?

And then I’m gonna slap you sideways. So, like . . . a karate chop.

I don’t know, I didn’t think that one through. Bottom line is, I’m gonna slap you so fast I’ll be back on my recumbent bike before you can even say, “Why would you do that, Brad?”

I’ll slap you so hard you’ll wish you hadn’t even joined this book club.

And, last but not least, we’ve got that big idiot Marvin. Hey, Marvin, you big hulking idiot, I’m gonna slap you so har—

Ow!

What the hell, Marvin? You slapped me! Ow, that really hurt.

Yeah, but I was joking!

’Cause it was funny! That’s why everyone is basically laughing. You don’t actually slap someone for real, you fat jerk—

No! I’m sorry!

Don’t do it again.

Just . . . leave me alone.

(Mumbling) Or I’ll slap you.

What? I didn’t say anything, Marvin.

Damn it, I think all my teeth are broken. ♦