Going bald is like the man-menopause of being a man. So long as “increased chance of osteoporosis” actually means “increased chance of bagging a hot babe with your brand new, red, sports convertible.

Babes love bald because it’s manly. Here are my top ten reasons why.

Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Going Bald is Manly

10. Doing your hair is a loss of Man Points!

And so is showering in the first place. A bath? Don’t even get me started. The only time it’s manly to care for your personal hygiene is when you’re in a shitty wooden tub full of water and borax and you paid a quarter to soak for an hour — and it’s 1855. Otherwise, you’re losing about ten Man Points a minute down your girly shower drain.

I took a one and a half minute shower last week. That’s got to be some kind of record.

9. Messy Hair Makes You Look Like A Jackass

Have you ever seen one of those guys with a frizzy mop of hair sticking out his head? What are they called? Oh yea, they’re called teenagers. If there’s one thing I know about teenagers, it’s that most of them don’t get laid and all the rest are liars. Sex doesn’t occur unless there’s a man involved. That’s why all men are cool with bringing another girl into a sexual relationship. It doesn’t actually count as cheating because it’s just like adding another appetizer to a meal. Fuck it, there’s still just one main course.

My point is, having hair means you’re going to have messy hair at some point and that looks stupid.

8. Accessories Are Woman-ccessories

Combs? Spray? Shampoo? These are silly, womanly things that must be fumbled around for. Anything a man touches should never be fumbled for. It should be revved like some kind of great fucking mechanical beast; belching smoke and fuel out at incredible angles and forming a cyclone of poison around the wielder. Aquanet doesn’t even come close.

Did you know that on average a bald man uses a motorcycle more than a haired man uses shampoo? Holy fuck that’s manly!

7. Bears Are Hairy

Men are not animals. Sure we may be as tenacious as man-sharks and as powerful as locomotive rhinoceroses, but we’re men. We’re our own unique species of animal about a million times better than all of God’s other crappy creatures — including women. Being bald is like sticking it in the face of the whole lot of them. A bald man says, ‘Fuck opposable thumbs. I don’t even need hair.’

6. Fuck Mother Nature

Speaking of Fuck something’s, just like it’s manly to never ever wear a jacket for any reason, it’s also manly to not have hair. You’d think you could just shave your head and be as manly as a baldy, but you can’t. That’s like bringing a jacket along “just in case”. Jesus Christ, that’s the womanliest thing there is the world.

A bald man burns his jackets.

5. Sean Connery Is Bald

So is Vin Diesel, who kicked about fifty spies’ asses in XXX.

4. Bald = Man Smart

You know how in movies they always give some braniac with the cure for cancer or aliens this massive fucking hideous comb over? That’s because being bald makes you smart. Don’t be a cunt, I know it doesn’t actually make anyone smarter. It just gives a man the appearance of having spent a studious life toiling over the state of math and science. But in the end, is there really a difference? One man looks smart because he says and does smart things. One man looks smart because he’s bald. Either way, it’s about looks.

3. Bald is Badass

One bald man can kick the asses of six non-bald men. When you have a bald head, you have some kind of supernatural man-ass kicking power. It’s in all the movies. Any time a bald guy shows up, you know some serious fighting is about to transpire. I believe it’s because of the naturally reflective surface of the bald head. Like how a cobra has a large set of eyes on the back of its head to frighten away predators, the bald man can use his refractory head to shine a reflection of his enemies’ eyes right back at them. Touche.

2. Bald Men Remind Everyone of The Penis

There is a feminist idea shitting all over our culture saying that the penis is a myth. The penis is not a myth and bald men are here to remind us of that. Just when you’ve forgotten about The Penis or just when some women gets it into her head that she might want to stop going to the gym and maybe eat another hour d’oeuvre before her salad comes, in walks some bald guy with his giant penis shaped head to set her straight — and I do mean straight. Straight like The Penis.

1. Bald is Beautiful

Women will think and say whatever you as a man tell them to think and say. Just ask Sharon Blynn; she just wrote a book about that called Bald is Beautiful. If women want to eat an apple and you hand them an orange, they’ll fucking love it like it belonged to Paul McCartney. Bald or not, you’re still man.

And someone tell Natalie Portman to put a fucking wig on. What’s next? Is she going to date someone half her age?

Gross.

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