I left off last at the very crescendo of the horrible crisis we were in; out of treatment options, no insurance that would cover her care for a month and knowing in my heart she didn’t have another month to survive this sickness.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with Dan as did Ava that week. He saw her beneath the pain she was in, he sensed her “spark”. He actually ended up writing a post about her called “Ava Laughs Pure Sunshine” and he is so correct. I couldn’t lose her. Because of my many Facebook posts during this time, a lot people became attached to her, and were emotionally invested. She became cared about by countless strangers, many of which still follow our story to this day, or have become some of my best friends. This picture is what made people pay attention, hence the name of this blog. They saw her. Not a junkie, a lost little girl, and a mother in agonizing pain because I knew I was losing her.

(One of the posts and the hundreds of people following our rollercoaster of a journey by then. I’m still so grateful to all of you on Heroin Support ❤️)

I couldn’t sit back and do nothing even though it seemed like there was nothing to be done. It was during this time I received an interesting, risky as fuck, proposal that ultimately would aid in saving her life. We had just lost my brother-in-law’s little brother Kevin, and his cousin reached out to me. We had been friends in highschool and he is extended family. He had suffered several losses from addiction recently and sent “I am living on a boat docked in the ocean off the California coast. I’ll take her and sober her up.” I know he was in pain and wanted to help save a lost one. He couldn’t save those already gone, but this girl still had a chance. After speaking to him on the phone a while, and a lot of deliberation between myself, my then fiancé and my ex-husband, we decided there was really no other option. So we scrounged up money for a plane ticket.



This whole thing wasn’t as easy as I’m protraying it. At this point, a few days after her OD, Ava was currently SOMEWHERE with a man she left rehab with, the same one she OD’d with. So first, I had to find her. I was relentless. I got the man’s number and started messaging him. I had to think of a way to find out where she was and get her back. I pulled some shady shit to do this. I told this 44 year old man that my daughter was a minor (she looks much younger than her age) and that I would file charges. I kept messaging and messaging until she finally answered me with an address. I believe it was 9pm or so, I dropped everything and went for the hour long drive because who knows where she would end up the next day! This is important to know; when you find your “lost one” GRAB THEM THAT SECOND! Don’t wait or you may lose them all over again, or lose them forever.



(If this doesn’t scream “desperation”, nothing does! Message to the dude she was with)

I went and waited in my car outside the house. She didn’t come out for a long time but kept assuring me she was just collecting her things. That 20-30 minute wait felt like eternity. All I kept thinking was that she played me and wasn’t really there. I was terrified the whole time. “What if she’s not here? Then what?” My hopes had been so high now that we had a plan, like SO many times before, I didn’t know if I could honestly handle any more disappointments. I was barely hanging on by a thread by then. When she finally came stumbling out with the few things she had left by then (one thing to keep in mind is many people lose most, if not all, of their material possessions in active addiction), I felt like my heart started to beat again. It’s as if it had just stopped the whole time I was waiting.

Once she got into the car I was able to see the condition she was in. It was really heartbreaking. She was very high, and we had to stop and get her a phone for her trip that was scheduled to leave early the next morning. That was not a fun experience at the store AT ALL…she was so fucked up and I don’t like to admit it but I was embarrassed to be out with her. She was talking gibberish to random strangers in there, being demanding and belligerent with the employees, and anyone with eyes could tell she was an addict. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.

The ride home was a little better, but it’s so hard to see your child in this condition, especially since she had just OD’d a week earlier. It took a long time for me to be able to understand the mindset one is in while in active addiction. To someone like myself, I couldn’t at the time wrap my head around it. How do you almost die then go right back out and do it again? To me this proves just how sick people are while using. No one who isn’t very sick would do that. She just didn’t care anymore. Didn’t care if she lived or died. Didn’t care about consequences of her actions. Didn’t care about how she was affecting everyone around her. Heroin had it’s claws in her and wasn’t letting go no matter what.



Packing was fun *insert eye roll*. She frankly was a complete bitch about everything. Demanding new clothes even though her actions led her to lose most of her belongings. Insisting she wasn’t going to get on the plane without certain things. I now realize that an addict feels very out of control, and getting clean is so frightening that they will cling to possessions and look for any way to feel a semblence of control over the situation. I didn’t know this at the time, so to me she was just being a HUGE pain in the ass!!! I gave her half my clothes to shut her up and get her on the plane. I went and bought her a few more things, ANYTHING to get her to go! Addiction is a selfish disease. It just is. That wasn’t Ava, that night all I saw was heroin and nothing else. Not even a shred of my daughter was there.



(Us packing. Ya, this picture says a thousand words. It was about midnight by then, I was still in my work clothes, she’s high as hell…just NOT FUN!)

I don’t think I slept at all that night. I was so terrified she was going to bolt at the last minute. Thankfully she was pretty high and just passed out eventually or she very well might have.

So bright and early the next morning my ex-husband (I’m tired of just calling him this, he is so much more to me than that. His name is Ben), Ava and the my children headed to the airport. I was sending my baby literally across the entire country to stay with someone I hadn’t known well since highschool. THIS is how desperate we were. Well…here goes nothing!



(Off to the unknown. Our fearful goodbyes)