"Minato!"

I was startled out of my thoughts when one Takeba Yukari unceremoniously stormed down the stairs from the third floor. There was no one else around on the second floor lounge, which left me to deal with my girlfriend's strange mood alone. I couldn't think of anything I could have done to upset her in the past week (occasional teasing aside), so I was genuinely fearful of whatever had her so riled up. I put my homework aside, lest it suffer what appeared to be my inevitably gruesome fate.

"Yes?" I answered timidly, unsure of just how volatile she was at the moment.

"Aigis…" she trailed off and refused to look me in the eye.

"Aigis…?" I prompted, sweat beading on my forehead.

"Aigis asked me about…"

"About…?"

"…babies."

Wait, what?

"Well," I breathed in relief, "if that's all it is then…"

"And when I answered her, she asked when… when… when we would, um, you know…" Yukari's cheeks darkened considerably and her arms made some interesting flailing motions. "Anyway, Aigis is being a nuisance, and I don't know what to do with her!"

The robot in question came thumping down the steps, her eyes narrowed in confusion. "Yukari-san, you still haven't answered my question." Then she noticed me. "Ah, Minato-san, perhaps you can answer my question? …When shall you and Yukari-san expect babies?"

Yukari's glare was looking exceptionally dangerous today, causing me to fear for my wellbeing. Luckily, the heavens seemed to be on my side and sent my salvation down the stairs in the form of my cheerful adopted sister.

"They don't need any babies right now… After all, they already have one right here," she declared with what I thought was a smug grin.

Scratch that thought. Damn Minako.

"Haah? Wh-what are you talking about, Minako-chan?"

"Right here?" Aigis looked puzzled and started scanning the area. "We are the only ones here at the moment." Then she turned back to me. "Have you and Yukari-san really procreated here, Minato-san?" Her word choice definitely needed a little work.

"No, I was talking about you, Aigis," Minako replied cheekily, leaning on the railing lazily.

"Me?" she questioned, bringing a finger up to gesture at herself.

"Y-yeah!" Yukari chimed in with flushed cheeks, "What do you mean by her?"

Maybe I could still salvage this…

"Don't you guys realize how much you baby her?" Minako questioned before I could speak. "And it's only you two who do it, you know… Yukari-chan always wants to know where she is, even when Minato is right next to her, and Minato always treats her the way he treats Maiko-chan and Ken-kun… who are both elementary school students."

Whatever I thought I was going to say died in my throat and ushered in my choked silence. Both Yukari and Aigis seemed to be at a loss for words as well, so Minako took this as a sign to continue with whatever it was she thought she was saying.

"You two care for her way more than everyone else. As such," she paused for a moment as if to make sure we were listening, and her eyes took on a mischievous glint, "I propose that the two of you act as Aigis's surrogate parents for the next couple days."

"What?" Yukari and I exclaimed simultaneously. My cheeks reddened slightly from the realization that we had been in such perfect sync, and it seemed that the same thing was dawning on my girlfriend as well.

"Well?" Minako turned to Aigis, completely ignoring us. "What do you think?"

"I…" Aigis actually seemed to be considering it!

"I believe that experiencing a familial situation such as this is good experience for interacting well with others," the red-haired devil continued with a well-concealed smirk. "Let's talk to Mitsuru-senpai about later, okay?"

"I understand," Aigis answered. "I do believe that this simulation would be beneficial for my future social interactions."

"W-wait, Minako-chan! Please don't ask—!"

"It would be in your best interests to cooperate," Minako interrupted. "Unless you want me to tell Mitsuru-senpai about all the 'unscrupulous' things you've been doing under this dorm's roof and—"

"Okay, okay!" My widened eyes shot to Yukari's flushed face. Wait. My sister knows about—?

"Alright, then!" she exclaimed with a smile, completely breaking my train of thought, and clapped her hands to close the argument. "I'll take Aigis with me when I discuss the matter with Senpai later. Now then, you two lovebirds talk it out… Come on Aigis, let's go wait in the lounge!" And with that, Minako took Aigis by the arm and disappeared down the stairs.

There was a very uncomfortable silence between the two of us, and of all the things I wanted to ask, the worst one left my mouth first.

"You talk to Minako about our sex life?"

"No!" she answered a little too quickly for my tastes. "Um, it's just that… she knows things. She puts Mitsuru-senpai's hawk eyes to shame."

I regretted asking that question when the silence somehow became even more awkward.

"I believe that this is a good idea," Mitsuru said before taking a sip of her tea. "And as Iori so eloquently stated, it's not as though you will be acting much different from usual."

"Yeah, and you only have to act like parents when we're here at the dorm," Minako added cheerfully. Somehow, the whole proposition had hit off with not just Mitsuru but the entire dorm. "Want me to be Ken-kun's mother, so you guys won't feel lonely?"

"You should. I'm sure Amada would appreciate the gesture. Wouldn't you?" Mitsuru cast her eyes over to the boy in question, and he reddened at the sudden attention.

"I-if Minako-san wouldn't mind…" he trailed off to look down at his feet in embarrassment. If I remembered correctly, Minako often took the young boy out to eat dinner and fussed over him much like a mother would…

The smile suddenly fell from the face of the girl in question. "W-w-wait! I was joking! U-um…"

"No take-backs," I chided her with a smirk. Divine retribution.

"Yeah, and Akihiko-senpai can be the father… unless you want me to?" Junpei teased from his spot at the table.

"No! I'll take that position!" Akihiko abruptly exclaimed, standing from the sofa and suddenly flushing a deep red. Minako's face suddenly matched his, and I had to resist the urge to tease the two of them about it.

"Then I guess we aren't going to Tartarus for the next few days, are we?" Fuuka questioned without pausing in her typing. All the excitement in the lounge halted at the subject, and Mitsuru looked up at me expectantly.

"It's your call, Arisato."

"I… suppose not." The whole point was to allow Aigis to understand what it was like to be in a family, and going to Tartarus during any of this would kill the experience. I mean, really… How many families doubled as a shadow-extermination unit?

"Then if that's the case… I must be making dinner for my family! If you'll excuse me…" Minako hopped off the couch and practically skipped into the kitchen. Suddenly, all eyes were on Yukari, who was fidgeting at the division between the sitting and dining areas.

"Well, Yukaricchi? Aren't you going to cook a meal for your family?" Junpei asked expectantly from his spot next to Fuuka. "Your 'husband' is looking pretty hungry."

I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help the eager glint that shone in my eyes at the thought of her cooking. For me… and for Aigis…

"A-alright!" she finally broke down and threw her arms up in the air. "Just don't expect much out of me."

I watched her storm into the kitchen and tried not to laugh while Aigis and Koromaru glanced at me curiously from their spots in front of the television. "What is the matter, Minato-san?"

"That's no good, Ai-chan! You gotta call him 'Dad!'" Junpei called from his spot on the sofa.

"Or 'Father,'" Mitsuru added after a sip of tea.

"What would you want Aigis to call you, Minato-kun?" Fuuka asked, finally looking up from her laptop. I scratched my head, words suddenly failing me like they often seemed prone to.

"I think… I'd like to hear 'Papa,'" I mumbled, heat spreading across my cheeks.

Junpei suddenly snapped his fingers as though realizing something. "Oh, you're right! When you've got a little girl, the cutest thing is hearing her say 'Papa' or 'Mama,' man! Nothin' beats that."

The cogs seemed to be turning in Aigis's head. "Affirmative. For the duration of this experiment, while stationed here at the dorm, I shall refer to Minato-san and Yukari-san as 'Papa' and 'Mama.'"

"Ooh, ooh! I have a question!" Junpei waved his hand wildly as though he was in a classroom, and when he got several nods of consent, he began to wriggle his eyebrows suggestively. "Does that mean they gotta sleep in the same bed, too?"

Before I could answer, Mitsuru beat me to the punch and nearly slammed her porcelain cup against the plate. "There shall be no such interactions after hours in this dorm under my watch," she said icily and shot demon glares at me and Akihiko. We both gulped in apprehension. "The punishment for such frivolities will be execution."

The way she enunciated each syllable told me she was dead serious.

I looked between the meal Yukari prepared and the one Minako prepared before looking up at the chefs in question. The normally glued-at-the-hip best friends were staring each other down in challenge, but it seemed Minako's glare had a little more edge to it as a result of her Jack Frost apron set that was currently equipped—er, what the hell was I thinking?

Anyway, it had suddenly become Steel Chef Iwatodai in here or something.

"A-alright then, Aigis," I turned to Aigis, who was seated next to me, and urged her to eat. "Don't let your 'mother's' effort go to waste."

Aigis inspected the food and then Yukari's suddenly eager face. "Thank you for the food."

"Let's eat!" rang out through the rest of the dining area as others began to dine. Other members of the dorm, not wanting to be left out, had divided up and joined one of the two families. Junpei and Koromaru joined Minako's family while Mitsuru and Fuuka joined mine. The uncle and the dog, and the two aunties…

"Mama…" Aigis paused for a moment as if to get a feel for the unfamiliar term and sought Yukari's eyes. "…it's… delicious."

Something flashed in Yukari's eyes for a moment but was gone just as quickly, and I made a mental note to ask her about it later. "It really is good," I assured her, and both Fuuka and Mitsuru nodded in agreement.

On the other side of the table, Minako's little makeshift family was starting to get rowdy thanks to Junpei, but that didn't matter to me. Yukari was at a loss for words, and Aigis's eyes were shining in a way I'd never seen them before...

"Hey Ai-chan, maybe, if you're lucky your mom and dad will give you a lil' brother or sister!" Junpei grinned at the idea and cupped his chin in thought. "You know how babies are made, right?"

No one complained when several sets of chopsticks were thrown across the table at him.

"You okay, Yukari?" I asked while helping her with the dishes. Minako had offered to "babysit" while we worked even though Aigis was perfectly capable staying out of trouble… Wait, never mind; now I was worrying again.

"H-huh?" She snapped her head up and whirled around to face me, almost dropping the plate she was holding. "Um, what were you saying…?"

"Yu-ka-ri." Making sure to pry any dishes she was holding out of her hands, I discreetly pinned her hands below the counter. Most of the dorm's inhabitants were just out of earshot enjoying each other's company in the lounge, which left us with sufficient privacy in the kitchen. Part of me enjoyed the way she squirmed beneath me, flushing with embarrassment like she was often prone to.

"M-Minato…" Her voice carried a sweet and oh-so-vulnerable quality to it as she futilely tried to worm out of my grasp. "Everyone's out there and—"

"They can't see us," I assured her, leaning in to whisper into her ear. "Besides, where is your mind wandering lately? Can't a man affectionately dote on his lover?"

"Ah," she breathed out with a hint of irritation. "There you go teasing me again…"

I promptly responded by biting down on the sensitive flesh of her ear.

"Hey!" she squeaked and struggled against me once more. "Save that for the bed—"

"Mama, Papa… Are you two making babies?"

We immediately jumped away from each other and stared at Aigis, flabbergasted.

When I rolled over the next morning, I was not prepared for what I saw… and to some extent touched, but I didn't have the time to dwell on that.

"Sweetie," I intoned with the slightest hint of sarcasm, lightly shaking her awake. The corners of my mouth twitched into a nervous smile as my girlfriend shifted and made a mewling sound.

"Mn," she mumbled unintelligibly before her eyes fluttered open. "Minato…?"

"I love you as much as the world itself, but are you trying to get me killed?" Normally, I wouldn't have complained at the sight of Yukari in my bed in the morning with the first few buttons of her nightshirt undone, but Senpai's warning from the night before was still fresh in my mind.

"…Eh?" Yukari yawned and rubbed her eye sleepily. "Isn't this… my room?"

"Please wake up," I urgently implored her, grasping and slightly shaking her shoulders.

It took her a moment to realize that she wasn't in her room but mine. "Oh geez! For the love of—"

She didn't have the chance to finish that thought as the door swung open unceremoniously.

"Have you made any babies yet?"

"Aigis!"

It was lunchtime when the two of us decided to meet on Gekkoukan High's roof. During the school day, it was almost always deserted. That fact alone made it a special spot for Yukari and me as well as one of the only places we could be alone together outside the dorm's walls. Today's circumstances were no different.

Once we had shut the door behind us, Aigis's actions from that morning had come back to me, and I rolled my eyes in remembrance.

"Aigis!"

She tilted her head in confusion. "What is the matter Mama, Papa?"

"Explain this," I ordered her, gesturing to Yukari, who was becoming increasingly red with every passing second.

"Parents are supposed to sleep together, are they not? That is how they reproduce, and according to my various sources, reproduction is the number one priority for couples. Am I correct?"

"Aigis," I started, crossing my arms across my chest with a frown, "you're grounded."

Thanks to Aigis's little stunt this morning, I had to admit that I was dealing with some terrible unresolved sexual tension. The glazed look in Yukari's eyes told me that she shared the sentiment. Wordlessly, we drew closer to each other, eager for intimacy away from prying eyes. After all, because we were at school, Aigis would have to act the same as always, which meant that we had the lunch period to ourselves. After all, she never followed me around during lunch, so there was definitely no way she'd follow us up here—

"I have finally found you… Oh, I see that you are making babies."

I immediately retracted my hand from Yukari's thigh with a strangled hiss while she scrambled away from me, clutching at her chest protectively. I should've known she would defy all logic and do everything I expected her not to!And we had been so close, too—!

Then a thought occurred to me: "Aigis, we're at school! We only do the family thing at home."

She wasted no time in replying, "Precisely. As such, I am only acting in my best interests for both our familial unit experiment at the dorm and our friendship at the school."

"How does this help our friendship…?" Yukari was already muttering under her breath, and I found myself silently agreeing with her.

"But, uh, you know, baby-making doesn't happen until it's just us two, so do you think you could you let us get back to it?" If looks could kill… I abruptly found myself regretting my words at the sting of a resounding slap and the sight of Yukari's glare. Aigis could only stare on with a curious sort of anxiety.

It was suddenly eerily quiet, and sensing that the mood was completely ruined, I made a decision before either of the girls could.

…I heaved a sigh and decided to return to the classroom, ignoring Junpei and Minako's curious questions about the redness of my throbbing cheek.

There had been something awkward between Yukari and me the next day, so we busied ourselves in mindlessly doting on Aigis (despite the situation being entirely her fault in the first place). At the very least, she seemed to have given up on pressing the matter of baby-making for the time being. But god damn! I was beginning to miss the smaller things that led up to the act in question… And Minako's light-hearted jokes about us falling out and divorcing only made me gloomier.

For some reason everyone had gathered in the lounge and was absentmindedly (or excitedly, in the case of Ken, Junpei, Minako, and Aigis) watching a Phoenix Ranger Featherman R made-for-TV movie. It was at the movie's final showdown, when everyone including Mitsuru had become immersed in the action, that I reached for Yukari's hand and intertwined our fingers. She looked away from the TV and into my eyes, her lips parting in wonder.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed, referring to the day before on the rooftop. Our relationship was more than physical intimacy, and knowing the issues with her mother, I shouldn't have joked the way I did. Thinking with my lower half as opposed to my brain normally wasn't an issue for me, but when it came to Yukari… she was special.

"It's okay," she mouthed back with a shy smile. "I forgive you."

Relieved that we had resolved yet another problem together, I brought her knuckles to my lips and left several feather light kisses there. "I love you," I whispered and grinned when she leaned against me.

"Me, too."

Suddenly, Aigis's clear blue eyes were on us from the other side of the couches. "Are you making babies now?"

Time seemed to stop as everyone whirled around to face us with shocked stares, Aigis's words defying all logic and echoing through the lounge. Yukari and I jumped away from each other in surprise just in time for the chill to set in… literally.

Mitsuru's teacup now had a clearly visible crack running from top to bottom as a result of the force with which it had been slammed down. It only took the space of a second for the icy senpai to inflict the damage on the dish and outstretch her hand to encase me in a layer of ice. Moments later, she turned her head to evaluate the situation only to glance away with what I could only assume was a mixture of embarrassment and shame.

"W-well, um, I… apologize…" Mitsuru mumbled meekly.

"Looks like someone had an adrenaline rush from the movie," Minako teased from her spot on the floor next to Ken. She looked contemplative for a moment before adding, "Ah, Yukari-chan, don't mind that guy if he gives you the cold shoulder. I'm sure it's only because he's got cold feet. Snrk."

Despite the awful puns and terrible bite of ice, the only thought I could muster was, "How the hell does holding hands equal sex?"

"Do you really need to see a real life baby, Aigis?" Yukari asked once again, and the robot in questioned nodded.

"…It is imperative that I see one," Aigis affirmed for what felt like the fiftieth time that afternoon.

"And just where did you get that idea from?" I asked as evenly as humanly possible at that point, brows twitching in exasperation. "…And why exactly does it have to be ours?" The smile on my face was cracking with every passing second.

"Because…" Aigis put her hands on her cheeks and slightly swayed from side to side. The actions were obviously forced and rehearsed coming from Aigis, of all people. "'I must have a younger sibling, Papa. Ai-chan promises to be a good big sis, so please give Ai-chan a cute little brother or sister!'… is what Minako-san and Junpei-san told me to tell you. Did it work?"

"Of course it didn't!" Yukari exclaimed heatedly.

Aha… So she was the reason for the excessive amounts of cock-blocking and Aigis's strange actions as of late.

"Aigis, we're only in high school. If we had a baby now, there would be so many problems… Besides…" Yukari trailed off, her face paling. "You have to wait nine months for the baby to grow inside the mother before it's born. Even if I did get… p-pregnant, we wouldn't be able to immediately have a baby."

Aigis suddenly looked the most disappointed I had ever seen her. She obviously hadn't been completely filled in on the proper time or way to have a baby. "I see…"

Before I could stop myself, I reached out and patted the top of her head reassuringly. "If it'll make you feel better, I know of a really easy way to get you a little brother right now."

"E-e-ehhh!" Yukari suddenly stood up and backed away with a red face. "Wha-what are you—?"

"Orphans are open for adoption, so let's go steal Ken-kun!" I excitedly exclaimed before doing a double-take. "Wait… what? Yukari…"

"H-huh?" She snapped her head up and clasped her hands together, completely failing to be casual. "Oh, I see. That's a great idea—"

"If you really want to do that, it'll have to wait until later," I lightly scolded her with a smirk. "We need go 'adopt' Ken-kun before we do anything else, so please bear with it until then."

That earned me a juicy slap.

"Oww." At least it wasn't as bad as the last one.

"You brought that on yourself," Yukari muttered indignantly, crossing her arms across her chest but obviously finding it hard to stay mad at me.

Nursing my stinging cheek with one hand, I fished a pen and an old folded note out of my pocket with the other. "So here's the plan…"

"Minako, hand Ken-kun over to us." Well, the roundabout speech we had come up with together was out the window… Who was I kidding? Being blunt was my specialty.

"Ehh?" Minako looked up from her work at the kitchen counter and frowned. "And why should I do that?"

"Because Aigis wants a little brother." More accurately, she couldn't care less what gender the child was.

"Mmmm…" She cupped her chin in consideration, but I could tell that her mind was already made up. "No."

"We want to adopt him," I pressed a little more urgently.

"Well, Aki and I have decided that we're keeping him," she fired back matter-of-factly.

There was a brief flash of Akihiko, Minako, and Ken with puppy features in my mind that I couldn't help but laugh out loud at, and Minako obviously took my actions the wrong way. Pure energy seemed to crackle between us and Akihiko and Yukari immediately rushed to our sides as support. I cracked my knuckles menacingly and Minako did the same.

"Let's settle this like always," I challenged darkly, and the woman across from me smiled sinisterly.

"Like always?" she confirmed, and I nodded.

"With a children's card game!" we shouted at each other simultaneously. I could tell that our significant others were baffled by this conclusion, but that was the least my worries. A lot was at stake with this game…

"Go fish!"

Yukari's face fell for a moment, but when she drew a card from the deck, she suddenly jumped up and squealed victoriously. "Ha! Guess which card I just got!" As if to rub her momentary victory in their faces, she threw the set down for them to see. "Awesome, right?"

Akihiko rubbed his temples, and Minako bit at her thumb irritably.

With a gentle smile, I leaned over to Yukari and pecked her on the cheek. "There's your reward… The next one will be on the lips, so work hard!" I whispered to her encouragingly. Surprisingly, she was a harder worker when rewards were involved.

"Aki…" Minako's grip on her cards tightened ever so much. "Get another set and you'll get you-know-what."

His face seemed to brighten considerably at whatever "you-know-what" was.

"Don't think it'll be that easy," I pointedly told the couple on the other side of the table. Confidently, I eyed my hand that was made up of sets that were just one card away from completion.

To keep the game going for a pointlessly long, suspenseful period of time, we shuffled two decks together… It was ingenious. Half an hour had gone by with plenty of promises, rewards, cursing, and maybe just a little hair-pulling. There were only two sets of cards left in the game, so that meant everything at that point relied on who was lucky enough to go first… And I was pretty damned lucky. Looking over the cards in my hand and the remaining few in Minako's, I prepared to ask for the one card I was missing until…

"Mama, Papa," Aigis came running towards us with a bright smile on her face, which normally would've been endearing, but I knew better by now. "Fuuka-san and Junpei-san took me to the hospital to look at the babies."

"And…?" I asked, looking back at the cards.

"We talked to Mitsuru-san about getting one, and she said 'no.' But then she said that there was an employee in the Kirijo Group who is currently on maternity leave who would be delighted to have us over to babysit," Aigis concluded happily. "I will no longer require a younger sibling…"

"What?" Yukari exclaimed in exasperation, standing up in shock, but after a moment, she finally gave in with a sigh. "Well, I guess that's okay…"

"Yeah, it is," I agreed, throwing my cards on the table. "Sorry guys, but we'll have to take a rain check. Go right ahead and keep Ken-kun… Actual babies are much cuter, you know?"

"Ehh?" Minako pouted and crossed her arms. "I don't mind keeping him and all, but hearing you say that something's cuter than him kind of pisses me off…"

"So, Aigis," I draped an arm over her shoulder and ruffled her hair affectionately. It didn't take long for Yukari to join in spoiling her. "Are you satisfied with family life?"

Aigis nodded eagerly before leaning in to whisper something to Yukari and me. "Even though I do not feel that I require a sibling anymore… it would still be nice to have one." She paused before declaring, "So I won't tell Mitsuru-san whenever you try to make babies from now on…"

I would've found the entire thing sweet in an Aigis-sort-of-way had there not been a sharp clearing of a throat and heels impatiently tapping the floor behind us.

"Arisato, Yukari… You have some explaining to do."

Seeing that my sleeve was already covered in frost, I knew this wouldn't end well.

A/N: I JUST WANTED TO BE DONE WITH THIS. Really. It's been sitting around half-finished for a few months, so I figured I'd better finish it up and throw it out there.

Anyway, sometimes I get a little disappointed in shippers because I've noticed that some people tend to only dislike Aigis because of their love for MinatoxYukari. But, but, but! You can like both… Really! So here we have the adorable cock-block Aigis who just gets them into trouble. Yeeep.

(I won't apologize for OOC-ness because this story was a pain in the ass to begin with. It can't even properly fit anywhere in the game's timeline… My conclusion? It's borderline crack-fic.)