When we said ‘once in a lifetime’ we meant ‘a Glasgow lifetime’, clarifies SNP

With the teenage pregnancy rate and average life expectancy in Glasgow, five years is ‘about right’, the SNP has confirmed.

Responding to criticisms that they had reneged upon their pledge the independence referendum was a ‘once in a lifetime’ event, Nicola Sturgeon told reporters that for a lot of her constituents that was entirely true.

“With NHS Scotland in the state it is under our leadership, five years could well be a lifetime for a lot of people in Scotland,” she said.

“And thanks to our ongoing education reforms, many Scots cannot count to five anymore anyway so we can just say it’s been a long time and hope for the best.”

Voter Simon McWilliams told us that he ‘cried with delight’ when he heard the news of another referendum.

“I was twenty-two when we last voted, and I never thought I’d live to see another. Or 2018, anyway,” he told us.

“Since the last vote, I’ve had four kids and lost a lung, and thought my life was pretty much complete.

“Anyway, once again I will get to pour vitriolic abuse on my family, neighbours and random strangers online who disagree with me.”