Preface:

Let me just get this out. I think bananas are the perfect fruit. They’re almost like cheating when it comes to actual fruits, which is actually saying something. Yellow, simple, slightly gross because of its little stringy fibers that no one likes, the banana provides insight into a world full of potassium that all of us can enjoy and love. So today, I’ll be trying to review it based on its utility and overall taste.

Utility:

What…what is a banana? What makes it unique? Where does it come from? Well, very invested and inquisitive figment of imagination I made up for the purpose of furthering content, this is a banana:

“BUT THAT LOOKS HARD TO EAT??? IT HAS SOME WEIRD YELLOW SHELL THING, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET INSIDE IT?”

Alas, that is the beauty of it. Many people take the stem (the little elongated part) and rip down, revealing that you can, gasp, peel the banana, with relatively little to no strength required. It’s almost beautiful. You’re not gonna find that garbage with oranges, pears, or apples. For those fruits, you have to WORK to get the skin off. This is practically Nature’s “Screw it, you did a lot, you deserve this.” The banana in of itself is a ridiculously easy fruit, able to be put with nearly any dessert, and chopped in any fashion, plus the whole opening the fruit up thing is a plus.

Cool cool, the packaging is pretty neat, whoever designed it must’ve been a genius. But what about convenience? Why should I like this fruit? First of all, look at it. It’s so goofy. It’s just a long piece of potassium. I’d eat it. Second, look how convenient it is. Notice how its design is almost meant for gripping with a hand, and with its relatively non cumbersome size, it can fit in any pocket or any space with relative ease (Don’t think it you sick bastard. This review is child friendly).

The only relatively hard thing about bananas is the means of acquiring them.

You probably don’t work for a banana gathering firm (WHICH I BELIEVE EXCLUSIVELY COMPLETELY EXISTS), but it must be a complete pain to reach up there near the alien parasite looking flower and grab them in bunches. But the banana says, “Nah man, you’re already trying this hard to get me, i’ll just make it easier” to which it then provides itself in abundance and in bunches.

What a swell guy. It makes supplying the fruits easy to DOLE out. The banana industry is actually fascinating, you should Chiquita it out. I’ll stop now.

Rate 7/10.

The Taste:

Personally, I think bananas are great. They’re a nice balance between being acidic and not acidic (LOOKING AT YOU STRAWBERRIES.)

Actually, let me digress for a second. I am totally not a fan of strawberries. Honestly? I think they’re gross. They’re watery and have this weird bland/sharp acidic taste and burn the ever loving hell out of my throat. They’re also like, so needy. The stem is edible but tastes like ass, so you have to manually remove it, and that’s ANOTHER inconvenience in life, also, have you ever seen a seedless strawberry? That stuff is nightmares.

My crippling trypophobia aside, have YOU EVER SEEN A STRAWBERRY GROW?

Bananas like to only be gross by having a relatively short lifespan by growing a bunch of brown spots when you blink. Like, they will not hesitate to become mushy. Nonetheless, they have a slightly terrible taste when you leave them out for a while, they start to taste alcoholic, like they’re practically FERMENTING. Gross stuff, but while they’re in their prime, they taste delicious, unless you’re eating them while they’re still green and they’re all hard and gross and yuck.

Rate: 6/10

Conclusion:

I like bananas, and I definitely hate strawberries. The banana provides plenty of things that many other fruits don’t. You want to get the ENTIRE skinned fruit with pretty much less than 4 motions? The banana provides. You want a lot of potassium after a workout? The banana provides. You want to impress your friends with how lame your jokes are by pretending the banana is a gun/phone? THE BANANA PROVIDES. The only downside is that they completely suck to harvest. So, godspeed and eat a lot. Also, fun fact, eating 30 in less than a minute will kill you due to potassium overload. Isn’t it nice that you’re not safe from anything?

Rate: 7/10

The Annoyance Test:

Ok…ok the banana isn’t that bad I just took a bite and OH M GOD WHAT IS THAT FEELING EW WHAT KIND OF SNAKE IS IN MY MOUTH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT IS A

oh it’s one of those gross little fibers…..

Ew.

Rate: 6/10