Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere Vol 3: The Good, The Bad And The Bubbly:

So where were we..?

Nottingham I believe. What a night that was. Even the soundcheck was great. Only our third gig and it was soaring...majestic...like an eagle or something!

The crowd were immense. Did I spy a leg bomber out there somewhere? I think I did! Always a welcome sight.

I'm STILL fannying around with the set. Almost there with it now. It's getting better...man!! (Ha-ha!)

Legged it straight off stage for a 4 hour drive up to Glasgow. Mind numbingly boring. It was made barely bearable by the Terry Tibbs Phone-in on Talk Sport. My god it was funny. Get on it if you can, it's fucking insane. Arrived into Glasgow at 3am...

Fuck me I need a haircut (another thing I forgot to do before I came away!). Problem is see, I have Irish hair and as any Irish man will tell you we have hair that doesn't grow in straight lines. Mine grows but doesn't get longer, it gets wider!!!

If I didn't rely on myself so much I'd have fired myself from this tour already... If I don't mention it anymore I might forget about it and let myself off, so let's move on.

The next day I'd agreed to do an in-store record signing thing at HMV in Glasgow...There were people there of all shapes and sizes and...even a few girls...real ones. I did feel a bit like Father Christmas at a grotto somewhere in the 70's.

There were some tears..not mine I might add...

Some guy had gifted me, as some kind of reward for his musical journey since '94, a betting slip in which he'd kindly placed a £3 bet for me on Man City to beat Burnley next Saturday! Let's hope the blues do the business and...well...The Milky Bars will be on me!!(that's a 70's joke there for you).

After signing all sorts of shit for about an hour it's fair to say R-KID has banged out a few cagoules in Glasgow... I might have been the only male in the shop not wearing one!! They do look good though, I must say.

The Hydro is, so my Scottish aftershave drinking pals tell me, a world class venue! I'll let you know in about 2 years, when this tour finishes, if that is indeed true. I'll tell you what is world class though...TRULY world class...is that fucking crowd.

Holy shit-balls... I've seen and done some shit in my time but I'm damned if I can remember anything to match that Saturday night!?! One of THE BEST nights I've ever done, ANYWHERE.

The kind of night you live for... A real privilege to have been there, nevermind actually being onstage. All downhill from that now surely? Saying that, they might have something to say about that in Manchester!

The toe-stub is...and there's no other way of saying this...a cunt. You know 'The Stub'? Of course you do! We've all done it, you know...stumbling round a bedroom minding your own business then all of a sudden...AAAARRRGH YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! You stub your toe on one of the bed legs...and whisper silently but very forcefully...'BASTARD!'. Middle toe...left foot...(my favourite actually)...STUBBED... STUBBED JERRY!!!!

It's fucking sore. I have a slight limp. Iree Nancy laughed her beautiful little arse off... it's all bruised and sad looking (my toe NOT her arse!). Good job I'm not known for blaming it on the boogie so to speak... I shan't let it affect my performance.

You currently find me with my foot up in Manchester, and you better be good tonight because the Glasgow massive booed when I suggested tonight might be the only place in Britain that could even compare with Saturday... Just saying.

I must go and literally hop in the shower, but before I do let me thank everyone who has bought my new record, pushing it up to where it belongs...on the topper most of the popper most! FANK YOU!!

ONWARDS.

GD.

PS: Today I will be mostly listening to THE LONELY SURFER by Jack Nitzsche.

Get on it..