The AFL is back, and with it comes six months worth of wall-to-wall coverage, analysis, war rooms and cheap scoreboard graphics. For a slightly simpler rundown of the weekend’s action, you’ve come to the right place.

Richmond defeated Carlton by nine points

What better way to kick of the season than with two massive rivals and powerhouse clubs in Richmond and Carlton going head to head at the MCG?

Looking at the team sheets pre-game would have suggested that this match was going to be a matter of how much the Tigers would beat the reigning wooden spooners by, with most experts predicting margins of ten goals or more despite the losses of stars Brett Deledio and Ivan Maric to injury and new recruit Chris Yarran to fat camp.

Facebook Twitter Whatsapp Reddit Email Share

These were bold predictions given Richmond’s record when all eyes have been on them in recent years, where they have struggled with stage fright like an insecure 15-year-old at the urinals of the Great Southern Stand.

As it turned out, the game became a much better spectacle than anyone had believed possible, the Blues taking it up to the Tigers by playing with a passion for the jumper, unseen in recent, years which would have been sure to bring a smile to the faces of past champions such as Whitnall, O’Hailpin and Bootsma.

Typical of Richmond’s March hype, Damien Hardwick’s men had promised the world before the game and looked like delivering an atlas half way through the final term with the Blues leading by nine points, but the men in yellow and black rallied to get the job done to set up a huge Friday night clash against the Magpies next week.

Melbourne defeated Greater Western Sydney by two points

“Melbourne look genuinely alright this year and are an actual real-life chance in Round 1 against a GWS side who most expect to finish in the eight.”

That’s the sort of sentence that would have Demon fans everywhere trembling in their North Face jackets and choking on their chai lattes.

It probably would have been a bold thing to say out loud while walking through the MCC Member turnstiles on Saturday afternoon, given their recent history, but after a high scoring, hard-hitting and fast-paced opening term even the most pessimistic fan may have seen some light.



Though just to make sure Demon fans weren’t completely overawed by an unfamiliar experience at the MCG, their side went goalless in the second quarter and kicked just one in the third which saw the misfiring Giants hold a handy lead at the final break.

A flurry of goals to Jesse ‘Hulk’ Hogan helped set up a finish as exciting than the sex tape of his namesake, although given an extra 10 seconds the Giants may have stolen the four points with the ball deep in their forward fifty, but the Demons had done enough to grab the win.

The Dees will move to 2-0 for the first time since 2005 next week, courtesy of their 2:30pm bye on Saturday at the MCG against Essendon.

Gold Coast defeat Essendon by 61 points

A typically quiet off-season for the Bombers and the Suns finally concluded yesterday with the two clubs kicking off their campaigns in the Gold Coast heat at Metricon Stadium.

Without hearing of any drastic changes to the line-up or coaching panel at Essendon, it came as a surprise that went into the game as rank outsiders against a Suns side buoyed by the return of captain Gary Ablett.

The Bombers’ resistance was noble, and when David Zaharakis brought the house down with a barnstorming goal on the run to put them ahead, it felt as though, with enough numbers behind the ball, they may have been able to hold on for the upset win.

Being only 117 seconds into the match, perhaps it was too much to ask of the Dons to hold onto the 6-0 lead for the next two hours.

As it was the wind was taken from the Essendon sail after Touk Miller levelled the scores a minute later and the procession began, with Ablett running riot.



When it began to look as though John Worsfold’s men would be without a prayer this season they discovered not just a prayer but an entire Parish. Darcy’s sharp skills, strong endeavour and bad haircut will be sure to distract fans from the regular beatings as the year progresses.

Sydney defeat Collingwood by 80 points

The Magpies came into this game in an impossible situation after an unprecedented and unfair two days of media pressure on their players, and also having had all the club’s travel plans ruined by a change to a better football venue three weeks in advance.

I’d like to thank the sponsors of that first paragraph The Triple M Hot Breakfast and would like to remind readers to tune into Who Wants To Be A Club President.. err… I mean Millionaire on Nine. I think that’s everything he wanted me to say…

Without wanting to sink the boots into Eddie or Collingwood anymore (why would anyone want to do that?) the red-hot Sydney side bullied the Magpies from the get go and put the game to bed with 13 of the first 14 goals of the game.

The Swans could have made things far worse for the newly re-signed Nathan Buckley had they kicked straight, racking up a massive 25 behinds to go along with their 18 goals under lights on their return to full-time duties at the SCG.

Dane Swan’s injury is unfortunate for Collingwood and the league as a whole, losing a champion player and character, but powerbrokers on the Las Vegas strip are said to be thrilled with the financial gains they expect to receive as a result of his time off.

North Melbourne defeat Adelaide by 10 points

Brad Scott has finally managed to coach his side to a Round 1 win.

Supporters league-wide now wait to see what other firsts the North Melbourne coach can achieve in season 2016. Cracking a smile and accepting defeat the popular suggestions for his next step.



Signs were ominous for North when Taylor Walker put his side up by four goals just after half time, but ten goals to four in favour of the home side from that point on dragged the men from Arden St over the line.

That run included three in a row to veteran Brent Harvey and means the Roos go 1-0 for the first time since 2009, both of which will delight both of their supporters.

The Crows were far from disgraced on the night in Don Pike’s first game as coach, and they were simply lacking a dangerous attacking midfield option that could have put the side on his back when whips were cracking deep in the final term.

Western Bulldogs defeat Fremantle by 65 points

It didn’t take long for Dogs fans to get their money’s worth in the early Easter Sunday start, with the young pups from the West picking up where they left off in 2015, running amok at Etihad Stadium.

It took Marcus Bontempelli all of 18 seconds to register the first major of their season, and that kicked off a seven goal to none first term against last year’s minor premiers.

The Dogs didn’t look back as they pummelled a hapless Fremantle side which looked like they’d flown across from Perth on the red eye after a Saturday night on James St.

The traditionally stingy Ross Lyon defence leaked like an AFL official, but in better news for the Dockers the forward line functioned about as well as usual finishing with a final score of 5.8 (38).

Port Adelaide defeat St Kilda by 33 points

Genuine excitement in Adelaide is normally hard to come by, but these two sides managed to buck the trend in the City of Churches by putting on another exhibition of fast, hard and high-scoring football.



Dare I say that style of game may become a trend in 2016 if Round 1 is anything to go by (cue next round’s return of slog fests and rolling-mauls).

Port Adelaide were expected to comfortably account for the Saints at home, but never had it their own way, trailing at each of the breaks and relying on a seven goal to one final quarter to get across the line. The usual suspects in Robbie Gray, Chad Wingard and Brad Ebert combined for a lazy ten goals

St Kilda were impressive in Leigh Montagna’s 250th game, controlling the middle throughout largely thanks to ruckman Tom Hickey, but were overwhelmed by the more experienced Power side when the going got tough after three quarter time.

West Coast defeat Brisbane by 64 points

This was one of the few games that went to script in week one, with last year’s grand finalists West Coast proving too good for the young Lions in Perth in the ‘is anyone really watching this?’ Sunday twilight slot.

Matt Priddis and his famous locks, which are still up to their two-minute noodles impression, had the ball on a string and the Lions were unable to stop his supply to last year’s Coleman Medalist Josh Kennedy.

Kennedy finished with eight goals but could have, and probably should have, been well into double figures by the end of the night as the Eagles kicked goals for fun deep into the last quarter.

There’s no doubt the Eagles will win a lot of games this year, but if they win them in Perth at 7:30 on a Sunday night will anyone really know?

Geelong defeat Hawthorn by 30 points

The Easter Monday clash was exactly what we’d hoped for in the latest instalment of what has become a classic rivalry, mainly because Hawthorn finally stopped winning and it’s good to see a club so depraved of success in the last ten years getting a positive result.



The Cats got the early jump on the reigning premiers, thanks to a dominant start from big man Zac Smith, and looked capable of blowing the game apart after halftime. But the Roughhead-less Hawthorn clawed their way back into the contest on the back of a dominant five goal to nothing third quarter.

When the Hawks rallied it was the new recruit Dangerfield who arrested the momentum out of the middle, before going forward late as the Cats charged over the brown and gold to send the four points down the highway.

Despite a few of his million-dollar moves followed by 10 cent finishes, this game really was proof that one man can change everything, and that Patrick Dangerfield is the man that will do it for Geelong.