Nearly 30 years after the last installment in the franchise – that’d be 1992’s direct-to-video Critters 4… the one in space – those lovable Crites are back in “Critters: A New Binge,“ a brand new Shudder Original Series from director Jordan Rubin (Zombeavers). Made up of eight episodes, the very first Critters TV series actually runs shorter than even the shortest film in the franchise, making for a binge event that’ll take up around 70 minutes of your time.

Trust me, that’s a blessing in disguise.

“Critters: A New Binge,” which is essentially a reboot that bears no storyline connection to the movies, sees the Crites returning to Earth on a mission to rescue one of their own. The journey takes them to California, instructed by their President to bring back the missing Crite and… keep their hunger at bay. Naturally, it’s not long before they get really, really hungry.

After 27 years without the Critters franchise in our lives, the premiere episode of “Critters: A New Binge” is, well, an instantly sobering reminder that we’re a long way from the heartfelt ’80s charm that made so many of the decade’s horror movies – Critters most definitely included – such beloved classics. Even on a budget of just $3 million, Critters managed to take us into a fully realized, super charming world filled with tiny monsters and shape-shifting bounty hunters back in 1986, but “Critters: A New Binge” is playing with what I can only assume to be far less than 1/3 of that budget and it shows every single step of the way.

The series’ CG effects are so Syfy-level bad that they wouldn’t have even passed muster back in the ’90s, and the bad news is that “A New Binge” is absolutely loaded with that bargain basement effects work. If you thought the Silly Putty-looking green heads of the bounty hunters looked, well, silly in the original Critters, just wait until you see how they look when they’re entirely computer-generated. There was a charm even to the bad practical effects of decades gone by, but there’s just nothing even remotely charming about low-grade CGI.

On the plus side, the Crites in “A New Binge” are practically realized, the work of puppeteer Glenn Williams and his team. In a series that’s so CG-happy it’s damn sure nice to see some practical puppets on screen, but at the same time, the Crites never quite feel like real characters so much as they do rubber Halloween decorations that are being shaken around by human hands just out of frame. That said, I do appreciate the effort to imbue some of the Crites with individual personalities, and the puppet work is unquestionably the strongest suit of the whole series – props must also be given for the massive Crite Ball, which Critters 2 fans will get a kick out of. But more than anything, watching the series left me yearning for the classic effects work of the Chiodo Brothers, whose Crites felt more *alive* than they do here. There’s something about magical ’80s effects that seemingly just can’t be replicated today.

As for the other iconic characters from the franchise, well, let’s just say that the presentation of the Bounty Hunters leaves a whole lot to be desired. There are three of them in the series, and both Ug and Charlie – the only two characters who had appeared in all of the Critters films – are sadly absent this time around. The shape-shifting effects work is rough – the green-screen presentation of Australia, where we meet the show’s two main Bounty Hunters, is even worse – and the characters are a far cry from Ug and Charlie. In the original franchise, the Bounty Hunters were one of the most interesting pieces of the puzzle, and they were clearly being treated as an afterthought in the “New Binge” writers room.

The human characters don’t fare any better, unfortunately. The series primarily centers on Christopher (Joey Morgan) and his mom Veronica (Kirsten Robek), characters entirely defined by single traits: Christopher eats a lot, which the series never lets us forget, and Veronica sleeps around a lot, which the series never lets us forget. Both of these character traits, it turns out, are tied to a reveal that comes in Episode 6, which is so unbelievably absurd that you might have found me praising it if it were nestled inside of a series that delivered on the entertainment factor necessary to pull off such an out-there bit of nonsense. It’s either an amusing idea or the worst idea, and I’m leaning towards the latter.

Of course, I won’t sit here and pretend that the Critters franchise set a very high bar beyond the first couple films – I’ve seen Critters 4 – but “A New Binge” doesn’t even manage to clear that low bar. Your enjoyment of this particular entry in the franchise will probably depend on how humorous you find the line “big hairy balls” in reference to the titular creatures, and it seems clear to me right now that I’m probably just too old for such lowbrow humor.

Cheap, unfunny and more Troma (minus the gore) than Critters, “A New Binge” hardly captures the spirit of the films. I’ve seen fan films better than this (in fact, there actually is a Critters fan film titled Critters: Bounty Hunter that’s quite exceptional), and that’s just not something you ever want to say about the official return of a franchise you love.

I want more Critters in my life. Just not like this.

“Critters: A New Binge” heads to Shudder on March 21st.