The Prime Minister’s Swachh Bharat Mission aims to get people to rediscover their roots, and leaves, and other discarded matter The Prime Minister’s Swachh Bharat Mission aims to get people to rediscover their roots, and leaves, and other discarded matter

It’s the start of a new broomance. The Prime Minister’s Swachh Bharat Mission aims to get people to rediscover their roots, and leaves, and other discarded matter so they can make a clean break with the past. With ministers and bureaucrats and those who wield clout now wielding a broom, we are in for some sweeping changes. Yet, there is literally a mountain to climb and there clearly need to be specific targets. Here are some obvious targets.

The spitter: That slimiest of species, the spitter only breeds in the subcontinent and can be identified by the sound ‘swachh’, which is heard when spit hits the road, wall or nearest object. It seems to be connected to an affliction of the salivary glands, since Indians spit with alarming frequency and velocity with no regard for the mess they are leaving behind or any disease they may be spreading, much to the disgust of non-spitters who are clearly a minority community and unprotected against ugly spats. Spitters need to be identified and soon; spittoon in other words.

The paan Indian: A species similar to the spitter, except with a more colourful background, or foreground, since that is where he/she usually squirts the spittle collected by eating paan, leaving blood-like stains on walls and sidewalks. Again, a filthy habit perfected in the subcontinent, it has spread far and wide, on every available surface. In Indian cities, to locate a paan shop, just follow the stains. If the Clean India campaign is to succeed, these need to be segregated and put in enclosures, much like the zoo, with a large sign saying ‘Beware, paan eaters’.

The urinator: We Indians have passed the urine test with flying colours, or, more appropriately, with the fly open, showing our true colours. Not a very pretty sight, but it also shows why we have such a piss-poor record in sanitation, with most Indian men preferring the nearest wall to the nearest toilet to soak the atmosphere. Pee shooters run a muck in India and, sadly, it’s not for lack of toilets; in every Indian city, if you see a car, motorbike or scooter parked by the side of the road, you can be sure the owner is up against the nearest wall, adding to the malodorous graffiti already inscribed there. We cannot kiss in public, but it’s fine to piss in public. What the urinators need is urine therapy, as prescribed by an earlier prime minister.

The squatters: Not the ones unlawfully grabbing real estate, but those we see in a real state from passing trains very early in the morning, which is why we peculiarly refer to it as ‘night soil’. It could also do with a phenomenon called mooning. It’s such a human waste, but we are told that 600 million Indians defecate in the open. That fact may help illustrate the modern phrase, ‘shit happens’. Unfortunately, there’s no solution in sight, just ablution.

The litterati: If we can take a walk without something squishing, squelching, crackling, snapping or crumbling under our feet, we must be in a foreign country. We love to litter and are the litterati of the world, which is why we produce over one million metric tonnes of garbage each day. It’s also why 13 of the 20 dirtiest cities in the world are in India. The Aam Aadmi Party’s choice of a broom as party symbol was not random, even if our choice of where to dump our garbage often is. A majority of the population in India seems to believe that waste disposal means a slimming diet.

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