Note: Normal people might find some of this offensive. (We hope. Dear Lord, please!)

Take your stinkin’ paws off my photo you damn dirty ape. OK, it’s not exactly Charlton Heston, but the war between Peta and a photographer isn’t Planet of the Apes either.

It’s still a struggle of man vs. ape. In the original movie, apes took over after mankind had all-but wiped itself out with nuclear weapons. Today, we have worse tools at our disposal -- lawyers and eco-nuts. Alternet gave us both wrapped up in the same wacky package.

Let Alternet introduce you to Peta general counsel Jeffrey S. Kerr, Esq. He wrote a piece for Alternet, well, it’s so silly, I’ll let him tell it. “Yes, a Monkey Should Absolutely Be the Copyright Owner of His Selfie (Video).”

Yep, Kerr wrote defending “PETA's argument that Naruto, an 8-year-old male crested black macaque, should be declared the copyright owner of the internationally famous monkey selfie photographs he took using an unattended camera.” Peta and Kerr are claiming that the monkey should own the photo despite its species.

Actual quote: “If a human baby had taken these photos, there would have been no question that he or she owned them. That Naruto is a macaque should make no difference.”

Understand what’s going on here. The alt-left, which has helped kill 60 million American babies since Roe v. Wade, wants animals to have rights just like people. At the same time, they want to make sure people don’t.

An essential part of this outlandish litigation is how Peta has harmed the photographer in question. The American news media is always pathetic when it comes to showing victims of the alt-left, whether it’s the 100 million victims of communism or the one photographer who is the victim of Peta’s crusade.

Wales Online wrote about him. “David Slater, of Chepstow, appeared on This Morning to talk about the case which he says has pushed him to the brink of bankruptcy.” According to Slater, "I'm a conservation photographer, it's been the dedication of my life for 15 years now, I'm even a vegetarian, for these people to go after one of their own is quite distasteful."

This standard operating procedure for Peta. Pretty much anywhere there’s an embarrassingly stupid PR stunt to promote ridiculous animal rights garbage, you can bet Peta has a hand in it. It’s renting “a billboard to pay tribute to the cattle that were killed and injured last month when a semi tractor-trailer overturned” in Indiana. Peta wants silent fireworks in Georgia for “noise-sensitive animals, children, veterans and elderly people.” Then there is the push for “Cruelty-Free Wedding Hairstyles.” And, of course, celebrities getting naked. (Sorry, no links to that one.)

In fact, Peta seems famous for everything except actually saving animals. It’s Norfolk, Va., location killed nearly every dog or cat it had back in 2014. Here’s HuffPost bashing Peta: “The group euthanized 2,454 of its 3,369 cats, dogs and other animals, the vast majority of which were ‘owner surrenders,’ meaning that they’d been relinquished to the group voluntarily. Just 23 dogs and 16 cats were adopted.”

Pretty bad when even liberals are embarrassed by your alt-lefty group.

There’s a lot of monkey see, monkey do with the left, which takes us to this week’s travesty:

Periods With An Exclamation Point: While liberals are busy treating animals like people, they are also trying to confuse gender in the most amazing ways. Here is an epic alt-left headline, courtesy of the newly branded HuffPost: “Powerful Photo Shows That Women Aren’t The Only Ones Who Get Periods.” I hope you’re processing that. Actual quote: “Cass Clemmer, who uses they/them pronouns, posted the photo of themself on Instagram on July 12, depicting them free-bleeding while holding up a sign that reads ‘Periods are not just for women #BleedingWhileTrans.’” (Serious question: Is someone who goes by they “people” or a person?)

The story includes a photo of Clemmer wearing a pair of light pants stained at the crotch. (Yeah, not sharing that one.) The post is part of an Instagram account named tonithetampon. The text that follows is epic: “Just a little tampon living life outside the wrapper! Got q's about affirming menstruators of all genders? Email me!” I don’t like to make fun of people unnecessarily, so I’m struggling a bit with this one.

This story gets to one of the basic problems of the gender debate. The left believes by remaking gender in random artificial ways that they can create new genders and gender rules and force the rest of us to abide by them. Except that’s not how biology works. You might believe men can have periods, but that only generates question marks with the rest of us.

Splinter In The Mind’s Eye: When I hear the term splinter, I think of an annoying piece of useless wood or metal that gets under my skin until I can get rid of it. Hardly a positive. But some marketing genius at Fusion decided to rebrand one of the most insane sites on the net as Splinter. (It’s actually SplinterNews.com because the same brainy marketing dude or dudette or even dudeit didn’t buy the URL.)

Splinter comes complete with a logo where the I looks like a computer-generated carrot -- i.e., a splinter. Under the headline: “What the Hell Is Splinter?,” editor-in-chief Dodai Stewart tries to tell readers what kind of garbage they can expect. Actual quote: “Splinter offers a sharp point of view, delivering news coverage for a new America: justice-minded, inclusive, and incisive. We believe in telling the truth about outdated institutions and calling out injustices when we see them.”

Here a few samples: “Jeff Sessions' Potential Firing Has America's Racists Stressed Out”; Trump Delivered a Particularly Bonkers Speech to 40,000 Boy Scouts”; and “Video of Republicans Dancing to the Song From Trolls Proves Hell Is Real.” Oh, so newsy. What that means for you, dear readers, is you can expect Splinter to take the place of Fusion and all that will happen is you will get a new set of thorny jokes.

Because Christians Get Called Every Other Name: “Christian Fascists.” Now there’s a mouthful. But we’re back to Alternet, which reposted this tasty morsel of wackiness from Truthdig. Truthdig (“drilling behind the headlines”) is one of tons of left-wing sites that make up the backbone of what your average alt-lefty type might read in a day. The article points out that conservative Christians are big allies of Trump.

Yeah, that’s not what the alt-left wants to hear. Time to smash. Actual quote: “This Christianized fascism, with its network of megachurches, schools, universities and law schools and its vast radio and television empire, is a potent ally for a beleaguered White House.” The author proceeds to list the things Trump has done (Gorsuch, fighting Planned Parenthood, etc.) that appeal to the Christian right. Then this, actual quote two about The Donald: “He embraces the white supremacy, bigotry, American chauvinism, greed, religious intolerance, anger and racism that define the Christian right.” Conservative Christians who are reading this right now are probably stupefied at that one.

Boy, there’s a lot I’m skipping. But here’s actual quote three, the key point: “If the alliance between these zealots and the government succeeds, it will snuff out the last vestiges of American democracy.” You read it here, folks. If Christians continue to ally with Trump, it’s the end of democracy. But it’s worse than that. He details such a hateful interpretation of Christians that it’s like it’s drawn from a fever dream or a nightmare. His conclusion falls in line: “This is an ideology of death.”

His solution is the alt-lefty fantasy: a society that “provides well-funded public schools, free university education and universal health care.” Because Christians always fare so well under socialism. Let’s just ask the folks who aren’t dead or in jail in Cuba, China, Venezuela, the old Soviet Union and more.