If you came here looking for Brian Cook, Schadenfreude Grandmaster, I have some bad news:

ANNOUNCEMENT: I have retired from TWIS duties. It will still run at SBNation, but under a new caretaker. — mgoblog (@mgoblog) August 31, 2014

I know, I know. This is a tragedy, and I will be much worse than Brian at presenting our sport's most batshit Internet users. You should write a letter to your congressperson today. After all, you pay their salary, and if Congress is just going to sit idly by while This Week In Schadenfreude falls to shit, then maybe General Cornwallis was the real winner in the end.

In the meantime, let us begin at the top with Florida State, reigning national champion and overwhelming preseason favorite. A titan of a program, blessed with professional-grade talent at nearly every position and a staff that knows how to use it for maximum destruction. This is a different and better team than the one you root for, and, as this confident Tomahawk Nation commenter demonstrates, it intends to show it against Oklahoma State.

Theme of the day is survival

It took La Mon until the 4th Q to get the lead.

Ole Miss was a 1 point game in the 4th

NC State won on a last minute TD drive.

UCLA loses if UVA put in their backup QB to start the game.

Ohio State looks like crap against Navy, close until halfway through the 4th

Bama doesn't have a secondary, almost gave it away against FSU send-offs

Auburn was close for a while, but you can't out-Arky Arky. I want us to win by 45 and separate from all these trash pretenders.

Maybe FSU will leave some scraps of meat along the trail up Champions Mountain, trash pretenders. You'll still die making the climb, but at least you'll do so with some piece of a winner inside your two-star duodenum.

Sure enough, Florida State jumps out to a 17-0 lead. What happens when dominance becomes a habit? Does the mighty blue whale even consider the krill it consumes as anything other than routine? Would the Sun regard our planet as much more th --

Jameis has a lot of Favre in his game

Well, that could mean a lot of things. Brett Favre's an accomplished champion, after all, and a tough competitor who left it all on the field every game. Sure, Oklahoma State closes things to seven points by halftime. But this is Florida State. There's no cause for alarm.

HOLY HELL WE ARE OUT OF TIMEOUTS.

Ok, that's not ideal midway through the third quarter, but I'm su --

I don't recall burning all of our timeouts in the 3rd quarter since the Jeff Bowden days.

There's no need to invoke Jeff Bowden. This isn't some disaster of a team that will get shut out by Wake Forest at h --

Yup

Its like Im in college again, no timeouts and QB cant see a safety. All we need now is them to play Jeff Bowdens music. If I see him on the field, right boefre a fade pass is thrown, Im going to fuckin kill someone.

Wait, are you trying to summon Jeff Bowden? Why would you do that?

This looks like a Bobby Bowden team

That was close. Anyway, though things don't look extremely smooth in the third quarter, Florida State still outscores Oklahoma State ten to thr --

This looks like the old Jimbo

Now hold on just a second. Just weeks ago you were talking about him being the best coach in the cou --

I think Winston looks like he is a freshman QB starting his first game

hopefully he gets checked in meetings this week, it's bullshit

Look, I'm just say --

I actually wish he looked like he did as a freshman starting his first game

Let's just move on to the fourth quarter. Jimbo's team is going to really show what makes them special there. I'm just sure of it.

What the fuck

Just happened????

FUCKTHIS FUCKING D

Up. The. fucking. middle.

what the FUUKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKKCKCKCCK

Our guys deserve to lose. They didn't come to play today.

I THOUGHT MANUEL WAS IN THE NFL

SIR. Have you no sense of decenc --

It's sad when I don't trust Jameis to lead a drive, but I don't.

Is Jeff Bowden running this offense???

Great. Under Beetlejuice law, he's now revivified. I hope you're happy.

PUT.THIS.AWAY.

this defense is beyond dissappointing

yuck

Feels like 2012 win where your happy but watching the game kinda sucked cuz of all the points left on the board

All of this for a game in which Florida State never trailed. Welcome to Spleenville, 'Noles fans. Enjoy the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, and try to call a trusted friend or relative before you send that "JAMEIS = CHRIS RIX WITH A HEISMAN" cake to the athletic department.

Elsewhere in pain:

ACC

There is really only one question left unanswered by Clemson's 24-point loss to Georgia:

8) Has the new Clemson-ing become quitting when we're getting whooped?

Well, it is now.

If you watched Syracuse play Villanova, I feel sorry for you and hope that, if purgatory is real, you are given credit for the time you spent doing so. This was a football game imagined by Stefon because it had everything:

An ACC luminary demonstrating his talents ...

Al Groh is tipping every one of our plays

Not sure that's a good sign

... a quarterback who punches his way off the field ...

Listen, every program needs a way of distinguishing itself

Our starting QB punched a guy. To each his own

Why would you even bother to punch a guy in a helmet?

...unless you punched him in the throat ( that would be effective)?

Goals for 2nd half:

Don't punch anybody and get caught

Throw at least one forward pass in between the hash marks

DBs stay within 2 feet of Nova WRs

Run the fucking ball

Bubble screen in moderation

... and Syracuse fans celebrating Villanova missing a game-winning 25-yard field goal at the end of regulation.

Holy hell!

THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha wow

WOW! HOLY SHIT!

Did our offense even have the ball this half

Meanwhile, Wake Forest was the victim of cherry-picked tweets.

Wake Forest has 7 punts and 9 completed passes. — Adam Rowe (@BlueDevilLair) August 29, 2014

Those were NOT the final statistics, sir. The Demon Deacons had TWELVE completed passes. (And 10 punts.)

BIG TEN

Hello, Northwestern!

No evidence

that we don't have 47 more quarters of this first one in our future.

The sad thing about losing in college football is that you don't get a higher draft pick.

There's no parity rules to help you out. Bizarre steps back the last 2 years.

What if this is the year . . .

we "Northwestern" everyone . . . instead of getting "Northwesterned"?

You must be new here

Goodbye, Northwestern!

Hey, we finally joined Facebook!

The best writers can convey authentic and meaningful emotion in just a handful of words, so we applaud Champaign Room contributor Aaron Rench for his economy in that site's game thread for a sluggish Ilinois comeback over Youngstown State:

This is stupid.

Yes it was, Aaron. Yes it was.

Rather than pull any choice items from Black Heart Gold Pants, I will share with you this neat trick. Go to their open thread for the Northern Iowa-Iowa game. Enter the find command for your operating system (Ctrl-F for Windows, Command-F for Mac). Type in "horizontal." Enjoy that there are more results than you have fingers.

Nebraska beat Florida Atlantic 55-7. All should be well in Huskervania then. Well, about that.

Football Game Or Circus?

I have been thinking about this since I arrived home from the game last night.I will preface this post by saying I'm nearly 60 and have had my seats in Memorial stadium for over 30 years. I fully understand what some percieve as a need to cater to the desires of all the young high school football players we are trying to recruit but I am wondering if this may be at the cost of alienating some of the older fan base such as myself.I'm wondering if anyone else felt like the game yesterday was more like a circus or carnival than a football game? To me,the music was way too loud,played way too often and in my opinion actually detracted from the whole game experience.Not sure what to think of the WiFi deal,all of the texting etc on the cell phones was enough to drive me crazy and now the fans are bringing laptops and holding them up in the air to take photos.Instead of something worthwhile being shown on the big screen, we are asked to text in whether we prefer the cornheads or the red foam hats! Dedicated lines at the concessions for debit cards is another thing that I'm sure will really appeal to some but is it really that hard to carry a few bucks cash to buy a soda and a dog? My 17 year old grandson attends every game with me and has since he was 7 or 8 and even he thought the whole remake was a bit much. I am not a person who makes snap decisions but at this point in time,I'm not sure I'll renew my 4 seats for next year......I know many on here will disagree with me and say "good maybe some real fans will be able to buy those tickets". Just wondering what everyone else thinks? GO BIG RED!

Don't assume he means iPads instead of laptops. Take the man at his word and imagine hundreds of Nebraska fans holding up Dells and shouting "HOW THE HELL DO YOU ZOOM IN ON THIS THING?"

BIG 12

It's not entirely shameful that Iowa State lost to the best FCS team and a squad that took down Kansas State in Week 1 last season. North Dakota State's likely better than any number of FBS programs, including others in the power conferences. (We're assuming you already stopped reading this week, Wake Forest.)

Don't let that stop you from freaking the hell out all the same, Cyclones fans.

My screaming has led the wife outside

TO CLEAN OUR CARS!!! haha married life has its perks

mine walked to the store

Iowa State.

The team history happens against.

Somebody should put that one on a t-shirt.

At the risk of sounding like a complete bitch-ass...

At what point do we just cut the football program and give all the money to the fighting Hoibergs?

I don't think this is in the DSM-IV, sir or ma'am.

Headfuckery

That's what got us here. The moment things started going wrong the team started letting that voice into their heads that whispered "you're the Cyclones. You suck and you always will. Why did you ever think otherwise?". Bund rage went down and it started. Cotton-Motoya got it ejected and it got louder. Tribune missed the tip. Farniok went down. By the time Meeks went off it was deafening and had spread to everybody. We showed, in the first quarter, that we can play this game. But when we lost our heads the whole thing fell apart.

There has to be a healthier outlook to embrace in Ames.

Much better!

PAC-12

UCLA did not have a fun trip to Charlottesville.

Get excited

HOLIDAY BOWL.

The Bruins were plagued by too little pass protection and too much respect for others.

our team is giving UVA too much respect

Offense is disappointing

Taking bets.

Will this game end at 7-0?

No, our defense will score at least once more.

(the world's saddest slot machine alarm starts ringing)

I THOUGHT O LINE WAS FIXED?

That's what those damn repairmen told Lando Calrissian. Let's just focus on our geometry homework.

We deserve to lose

This is bullshit. Believed our own hype. Bruin revolution? 1 revolution means you come back to exactly where you started. This is a fucking pathetic performance

This, of course, is why 18th century France didn't wind up in the Eastern Hemisphere. Liberté, Égalité, Sun Bowl!

At least UCLA's 1-0. Washington State has to deal with bouncing back from a Rutgers loss. Optimism was in short supply early.

This is the game I should have known was coming, but simply couldn't believe it was possible.

I knew we could be off to a rusty start, but this is discouraging, to put it mildly. Thank goodness there's a lot of game left. That's a good thing, right? Haha.

You know the best part about this comment?

It's not even the end of the 1st quarter.

But try as you might, you cannot keep a good Coug down, mostly because they're greased up and double-jointed. Skip ahead to the third quarter and behold the confidence!

Any doubt they are going to score 5 TD's this half?

I'll take 4 with a FG

Of course, then Washington State fumbles a punt in the fourth quarter and gives Rutgers the ball at the 50.

Fucnkgin Wazzu, man.

Fire Breske

Halliday puts up the performance of his career and they lose. 500+ yards to RUTGERS. Pathetic. How many yards are Arizona or Oregon going to put up? 800? 1000?

I mean, not to be a jerk, but I kind of hope so. That'd be extremely awesome to watch as a neutral third party.

Wait, we haven't yet found our Scott Tenorman of the Week!

I hate to be that guy

But it MUST be said. The amount of over-confidence, and cockiness on this board in the two weeks prior to kickoff was absolutely laughable. Did no one remember the last football game we played? I can understand forcibly pushing that out of your brain, but it was incredible how cocky and sure this community was with comments concerning how "Rutgers has no idea what is coming to them". This game was a reality check. Yes, our offensive is brutal. But defensively, as well as special teams are a train wreck. We fumbled at the most crucial moment in the game. Does this come as a surprise? Not for me. We are still WSU. We're still one of the only P5 schools with a losing record overall, and yes we still "coug" it as much as all the mods on here want to wallow in denial concerning the subject. We may sneak some more wins away this year. It's only game one. Hell, we might make another bowl. But never. NEVER. Should coug fans get cocky and expect to beat anyone at all. The sooner we accept this, the less pain we will have to inflict on ourselves. Our number one opponent will always be "WSU" and not "Rutgers" or "Cal". It's the nature of our program, and until we decide we want to change that kind of culture it will always be that way. Maybe this year we can get over that hump, but for now please stop embarrassing yourselves with cockiness we are in no position to have.

But if Washington State's No. 1 opponent is Washington State ... that means Washington State ... will always lose ... no matter what. That's dark stuff.

SEC

Vanderbilt fans had to stay up late thanks to a rain delay, but surely it'd be worth it to watch the Commodores beat up on a Temple team that went 2-10 last season.

Surely.

WHAT UNIVERSE AM I WATCHING THIS GAME IN?

Vanderbilt is leading in terms of legal documentation, losing in terms of touchdowns.

I fucking hate every other team in football.

Meanwhile, our genius defensive mind is leaving more space between defenders and receivers than a Mormon picnic and our offensive line would be better if it were sprayed on the field with that World Cup marker stuff.

I hate everything. This is how people wind up in jail.

is it too late

To call the Sun Belt?

I'd say this is rock bottom but I thought that 10 min ago

And so presumably we paid Temple a lot of money to do this to us?

Well, then. Perhaps the wisdom of an experienced elder can provide you with some perspective and help you see that this wasn't really so bad.

Thanks for nothing, OldDude. And don't go blaming your word per minute deficiencies on Derek Mason.

NEXT WEEK: Maryland has to go to Tampa even though that warrant is some old bullshit! Bourbon Street Paul Johnson! Mark Helfrich turns out to be a mannequin on top of a record player! Steve Spurrier fights with a pirate and then coaches a football game two days later! Florida might actually have to run an offensive play! Hopefully not! This is what the FCC is for, I think!