Alan Pardew has vowed to continue West Bromwich Albion’s current stretch of bad form by taking their run of eight successive defeats up to “10 maybe even 15 if we get a bit of luck.”

Pardew, who has ruined five Premier League teams in his time, has announced he is willing to delve in to his vault of tried and tested tactics in order to get West Brom over the line. “I’ve been managing in the Premier League for over ten years now so I have quite the back catalogue of formations. Stuff like 4-4-2, the one with the fella just off the striker, maybe even 4-4-2 again; I can do it all if we’re talking about not winning football matches.”

Various Premier League clubs who have dared to dream of relegation have often been inspired to bring in the Englishman citing his background in being absolutely shite as the catalyst for his appointment. With a 34% career win percentage and a total goal difference of -87, Pardew’s career statistics resemble the kind of FIFA record that one friend of yours has who now refuses to play the game.

Fellow British managers have come out in support of Pardew, with the new Southampton boss Mark Hughes being the latest to voice his opinion. “It’s a credit to Alan that he has managed to get his win percentage down so low. I’m on 35% myself and haven’t done anything of note since 2004 so fuck knows how he’s accomplished what he has.”