Name: Harry’s new ring.

Age: First spotted last week.

Appearance: Black, thick, platinum.

Hold on, the Duke of Sussex got married months ago. I’m not talking about his wedding ring, you dingus. I’m talking about an even newer ring, the one he was pictured wearing in Australia.

How many rings does one man need? He’s royalty, OK? Just be thankful he doesn’t bowl around in a giant crown like the Burger King.

Why am I supposed to care about the ring? Because everyone else cares about it, very deeply. “Not since Sam carried Frodo on his back up that smoldering mountain has a ring caused so much commotion,” wrote Vox.

But it’s just a ring. That’s where you are wrong. Harry isn’t wearing any old ring. He’s actually wearing a piece of bleeding-edge technology.

Really? What is it? It’s an Oura ring.

Amazing! What’s an Oura ring? It’s a device that tracks body temperature and blood volume pulse to detect the amplitude and intensity of your body movement using a 3D accelerometer and gyroscope.

Wow! That sounds like ... actually, what does it sound like? It sounds like a Fitbit. It’s a tiny Fitbit for your finger.

Oh. But wait, it also has Amazon Alexa support, which presumably means it will butt in if anyone says “Alexa” or “Collector” or “Nebraska” anywhere near it.

What’s the point of it? Primarily, it’s a sleep tracker. Harry may be trying to optimise the quality of his sleep.

But isn’t he ... An expectant father? Yes, he is.

And doesn’t that mean ... That any notion of sleep whatsoever will go out the window as he dedicates the next six years of his life to stumbling through his appointments in a zombified state that will leave him a balding, overweight shadow of himself? Also yes.

So shouldn’t Harry ... Take the ring off his finger, encase it in cement and fling it into the sea before its incessant taunting drives him so mad that he loses all grasp of reality and spirals deeply and uncontrollably into rage and self-loathing? Absolutely.

Is this ... Why I don’t wear a Fitbit any more? How did you guess?

Just a stab in the dark. Anyway, expect to see Oura rings everywhere soon. Harry is basically an influencer now, so you should expect to get one for Christmas.

Do say: “The royal family is leading us into the future.”

Don’t say: “Weird that anachronistic, aristocratic dynasties are still a thing in the future, though.”