It was a day much like any other day. The birds were singing and the crickets were waiting until about 7 PM to go fill the seats at Great American Ballpark. And then tragedy struck. Although he retired the first batter he faced, the second was not what he seemed. In case it wasn't made obvious by his .315 BA despite a lack of talent, Jon Jay was no ordinary ballplayer for no ordinary team.

You see, in the olden days, the Dark Lord LaRussa had given a special world series ring to several of his most trusted cronies. But these rings were no ordinary rings. They would consume the souls of those who donned them, removing any semblance of a soul and leaving only dark magic which resulted in a bunch of wins and incredibly lucky numbers as far as hitting with runners in scoring position are concerned. These rings were given to 4 of his most trusted followers: Pujols, the Traitor. Carpenter, the Bitchy Father. Duncan, the Witchy Doctor. And Molina, the Toilet. While many of these evil beings had been vanquished from the fair city of St. Louis, one was never removed. Yadier "The Toilet" Molina was forgotten and left to foul the remaining members of the team. Like an infection that is left untreated, his evil influence worked its way straight to the heart of the team, consuming each of the members and gracing them with the luck of the Dark Lord LaRussa, himself.

Although many have been the victims of these dark lucky powers, tonight it was to be Dylan Axelrod. Despite retiring his first opponent, Jon Jay's evil luck turned out to be too much, filling Axelrod with poison and straining his oblique in a mildly painful fashion. But there was one thing the evil Cardinals were not counting on. And that was the heroics of a young hairy pitcher named Mongo. Mongo was fond of many things- fireworks, smoking out of fancy pipes and making cool boat type smoke things, but what he really loved was sitting in the dugout and not pitching. Mongo just wanted a nice quiet life, uninterrupted by the frustrations of being booed by asshole fans just because he gave up a whole bunch of runs in a game or two. But tonight? Tonight, he would be the hero. For an entire 5 2/3 innings, Mongo slayed the foul beasts known as the Cardinals. He slayed them good. Slew them even. He vanquished 5 batters by way of the strikeout, sending them back to the bench where they were likely sacrificed and then reanimated in a less shitty strikeoutable form. For six inning-long battles, the valiant Reds held their evil opponent at bay.

But not even the heroic Mongo could go on forever. And so, in a scoreless battle to the death, Bryan Price elected to replace his hero with the wizardly Manny "I Now Have An ERA Over 5.00" Parra. This battle of the seventh inning started with a surprise. From deep within the depths of their clubhouse, the evil ones brought out a monster. Closely related to that creepy thing from Beowulf, The Somewhat Less Dark Lord Matheny brought forth the creature Grichuk.

Super Professional Artist's Depiction of a Grichuk:



The wizard was no match. While his cries of "YOU SHALL NOT RECEIVE A FREE PASS" proved true, the monster plunged a double into the wizard's kind heart, causing him to choke on a Wong groundball to the left side. Despite all this, the wizard continued to fight valiantly but super ineffectively, surrendering a line drive single to the dark carpenter, Matt.

At this point, Manager Price knew the dark facing his team was nearly insurmountable. It attacked them like an illness. So he did the only thing he could do and tried to find LeCure. Then some boring stuff happened.

Although most people don't know it, Pedro Villarreal is the younger brother of Aroldis Chapman, the heir to the throne of Bullpenomir. He is one to always give his best in the face of a fight. Never would Pedro give up. In the 9th battle, after smoothly disposing of demonic bird after demonic bird, the Hellhound Holliday used his evil abilities to hit him really hard with a projectile of some sort. Although he tried to continue the fight, he, like the fair pitcher Axelrod eventually succumbed to his injuries and gave way to the only man left in the entire population of Bullpenomir- the court jester, Logandrusek. Obviously, he immediately gave up in the face of adversity and allowed the opposing first baseman to hit a ball very far, bringing in three evil runs, one for each triple cheeseburger he would eat immediately following the game.

Then the bottom of the 9th inning happened, but the battle was way over.

dang

Fangraph:

Hero of the Game: MONGO

Not my best work, but I'm tired and not drunk, so I'm sorry. Maybe we can vanquish the evil powers that be tomorrow.