On some galaxies far, far away, it'd be a bad idea for a reputable news outlet to dedicate an entire article to spoiling and excavating the secrets of a four-day-old movie. But not this one. Star Wars: The Force Awakens will likely cross a record-smashing $245 million threshold for opening weekend numbers—meaning, many of you have likely seen the film. (Heck, you might already be quoting it.)

As of today, most of Ars' staff has seen the film in our respective cities, as well—catching up with our very lucky Episode VII critic Tiffany Kelly—and we have lots of thoughts to offer on the other side of the veritable awakening. We're going full spoiler on this one; the first blurb, which you can see below on an average computer monitor, is kinda-sorta spoiler-free, in case you clicked on this like a real masochist, but this page has been organized from "least spoiled" to "most spoiled," so the lower you scroll, the deeper you'll get.

We're not kidding. Lotsa spoilers below. You've been so warned.

Eric Berger, senior space editor: Passing the lightsaber

I had just turned four years old when Star Wars premiered back in 1977, so I missed the theater experience. But I was there for Empire Strikes Back—and haven’t missed an opening night since. This important part of my childhood became a cherished memory as I ascended into middle age, married, had a family, and all of that other good stuff. When my oldest daughter turned seven, the age I was when Empire came out, we watched the original trilogy, then the prequels.

But Analei had never seen a Star Wars movie in the theater, and especially not a premiere. So I had two reasons to be giddy upon walking into the movies with her and my wife on Thursday night. Yes, there was a new Star Wars movie awaiting us, and from the trailers it looked pretty awesome. But more importantly I had a chance to share this experience with my child, and it proved magical indeed.

One of the best parts of being a parent is watching your kid do some of the same things you remember doing when you were of a similar age. Simple things, like learning to ride a bike, or jumping on a trampoline, or swimming across the pool for the first time. But as we watched the movie and laughed and cheered along with The Force Awakens, there was something more. Through the movie I was transported back to my childhood. Han Solo on the big screen, cracking wise. Lightsabers. Bombing runs. And Luke Skywalker.

After the movie Analei and I talked for awhile, about her favorite parts, about who Rey’s parents might be, that sort of thing. The hour was late, she had school the next morning, but it didn’t matter. For one night I was truly a kid again and got to share the very same kinds of feelings and experiences with my own daughter at the same time. That’s a pretty powerful force.

John Timmer, senior science editor: Better pacing, worse plot holes

After a break of several years, trailers for a new Star Wars film started appearing, and they looked awesome. So, I followed all the news as details were revealed and made my way to a cinema on opening weekend.

That film was The Phantom Menace, and I walked away extremely disappointed. So disappointed, in fact, that I didn’t see either of the other two prequels in the theaters and only caught them on cable years later. While the third wasn’t that bad, the second was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, thanks to terrible plotting and directing that sucked the life out of otherwise talented actors. I blamed Lucas.

As another new batch of trailers appeared this year, I was conflicted. Lucas was not at all involved, which seemed a positive, and the visuals looked great. But I was afraid of letting myself get seduced into excitement about a mediocre effort that would inevitably disappoint me.

Now that I’ve seen it, my feelings are still mixed. The acting was much, much better, and aspects of the movie—the pacing, the action, the flow of characters and information—were all pretty good. But there were plot holes I could drive a forklift through. “Hey, kid, I know I just met you 10 minutes ago, but I wasn’t doing anything with this priceless Vader/Skywalker artifact—why don’t you take it?” That’s paraphrasing someone who’s supposedly a pirate!

Some degree of callback to the earlier films seemed essential, but a lot of it felt gratuitous, from big details like having to blow up a planet-wrecking weapon on a tight deadline to the fact that we were watching X-wings fly down a well-defended trench again. And, unlike the very first Star Wars film, this one was clearly written with sequels in mind, leaving the ending less than fully satisfying.

I’m hoping that this is just a transition. The film introduced some compelling characters and brought back some old ones. It would be nice to see them interact in ways that mean we see something new in the sequel.

Tiffany Kelly, staff editor: New droid, new Force-wielder

My favorite character from the original films is C-3PO. He offered comic relief and always tried to help the human characters—although sometimes his timing was off. (“Sir, sir, I’ve isolated the reverse power flux coupling!”) Paired with R2D2, they made a great odd couple. When I saw the first teaser trailer for The Force Awakens, I was hesitant that a new droid could take the place of these iconic characters. Especially one that’s essentially an R2-like head on a rolling ball. But the second BB-8 appeared on screen, I fell in love. BB-8 has the wide-eyed appeal of WALL-E and spunk of R2D2. And the droid is not just on screen to appeal to children; it’s pivotal to the plot of the film.

At one scene in the film, where the crew visits Maz Kanata at her watering hole, BB-8 follows Rey down a staircase, and you wonder how it will travel down the staircase. And then you watch as it slowly rolls down each step, one little thud at a time. It’s an adorable moment that was probably made for the children watching, but as an adult I loved it. And because BB-8 can roll, it definitely moves faster than R2 did in the original films, allowing the droid to participate in action sequences. We don’t hear any wild R2-like screams from BB-8, but its language is distinct and its reactions are often funny; props to SNL alum Bill Hader and Parks and Rec guest star Ben Schwartz for serving as BB-8's "voice consultants."

When BB-8 finally interacts with both C-3PO and R2D2, it’s a great moment, but it’s also unnecessary because BB-8 doesn’t need the support of other droids to carry scenes. C-3PO and R2 were great in the original films, but I’m glad that there’s a new droid for a new trilogy. In The Force Awakens, it’s fun to see old characters, but the new characters and story are the best part of the film.

Rey is another new character who really stands out. In A New Hope, Luke is naive and whiny. We’re unsure if he will be able to fill the shoes of main hero. The tale of a noob to Jedi Knight is endearing, but I’m glad The Force Awakens went in a different direction with their main protagonist. Rey is self-sufficient, strong, and capable. She can handle herself in a fight even before she discovers her connection to the Force, in contrast with Luke, who needed Obi-Wan’s help in a bar fight.

She also shows us a softer side at times, rescuing other characters and expressing genuine emotion. We want to root for her the whole way through. At times, she is even reminiscent of Princess Leia in the original films (like when she yells at Finn to stop holding her hand). But in this film, a woman is the lead hero instead of one of the hero's sidekicks—a welcome change to the Force.

Jonathan Gitlin, automotive editor: The homage awakens

Well folks, J.J. did it. The pain of the prequels—of Jar Jar, of the midicholorians, of the wasted villain that was Darth Maul, of Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christesen—is no more. Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a good movie, and more importantly it's a good Star Wars movie. But it's not, as Mark Kermode might say, without flaws.

Here's the thing. Humans are an inventive species. We have ideas all the time—all of us. But to watch The Force Awakens, you might not know that. Sure, it's an enjoyable adventure, well paced, well acted, but is it too much to ask for some originality? Scene after scene it feels like Abrams and crew fired up Final Cut Pro, then got to work -c, -v-ing bits here and there. Watch Luke and Obi-Wan speeding across Tatooine, except it's really Rey on Jakku. There's Luke and Han on the Death Star, rescuing the princess, but it's actually Finn breaking Poe out, or Rey breaking herself out. Remember that time the rebels blew up the shield generator on Endor? Betcha can't guess what's going to happen on the third Death Star (er, excuse me, I meant to say Starkiller Base). Hey, it's Han being tortured by Vader on Bespi—nope, hang on, that's Poe, or Rey, being interrogated by Kylo Ren.

On and on the homages run, for two and a quarter hours. I get that this has been done in the name of fan service, but have we really been served? It's a problem that's afflicted the franchise since Disney's acquisition of George Lucas' empire, as anyone who's watched (the otherwise quite enjoyable) Star Wars Rebels cartoon series will know all too well.

Abrams has form when it comes to this, given that the plot for (the execrable) Star Trek Into Darkness was a mediocre clone of The Wrath of Khan, but his treatment of the 2009 Star Trek reboot proves that the man can have original ideas. Was it pressure from the studio to not color outside the lines too much at the risk of box office success? Inherent conservatism in Hollywood? The intellectual bankruptcy of entertainment in the 21st century? Who knows.

And yet, angry though that makes me, it still doesn't detract from the pleasure I got from watching The Force Awakens, which genuinely brought tears of joy on more than one occasion. But please, Mr. Abrams, Disney, and whomever else is involved in Episode VIII, take this message to heart: you'll best serve your fans by giving us something fresh, not a remixed, reheated scramble of leftovers. We know you can do it. May the force be with you.

Megan Geuss, staff editor: A welcome to the neophytes

Confession: I don’t worship at the altar of Star Wars. Throughout my childhood, I watched the original trilogy several times, but by the time I was old enough to really “own” my fandom, the prequels came out, which kind of soured my interest in further discovering the Star Wars universe.

I think that my total disinterest in whether this movie succeeded or failed helped me enjoy it more. Yes, The Force Awakens is practically A New Hope shot for shot. But I liked A New Hope. And this version of it was even better to me, because I never really identified with anyone in the original trilogy. They were just a fun bunch of characters to watch on TV. But I identified with Rey. I wanted her to win—I felt that childhood thrill of putting yourself in the character’s position and really being that character in your imagination. Lots of little boys grew up wanting to be Luke Skywalker; I hope to someday grow up to be Rey.

My only complaint is that there was really not enough backstory to Finn and Kylo Ren’s characters to be believable... yet. Both characters break dramatically from their past lives, and neither of their explanations were good enough (to me) to explain why.

Kylo Ren’s justification for turning to the dark side seems to be “my dad was disappointing.” You know what? Everyone’s dad is disappointing when you realize he’s not a super hero and just a regular human being, with human being flaws. But you don’t see all of us murdering villagers about it. Was Ren brainwashed by a manipulator of the dark side? I hope so, for his story's sake. Hero worship of a grandfather he’s never met, who was defeated by his kindly and earnest uncle, in the face of parents who clearly love him despite their flaws, just doesn’t cut it for me.

And I really hope Finn gets more backstory. As far as I can tell (and maybe I missed something—I only saw the movie once), he was a stormtrooper but then three-quarters of the way through the movie we find out he worked in sanitation? But he was clearly in the group of warriors that went down to Jakku to get the information on Luke Skywalker’s whereabouts. So was he a stormtrooper or a sanitation guy, or do they make stormtroopers do double duty? Or was he pulled into a fighting group last minute because some other guy called in sick? And why did he have such a dramatic crisis of conscience after a whole lifetime of conditioning? I really, really hope we find out in the next movie that he’s also force-sensitive, because it would make his resistance to conditioning a lot more understandable.

I loved the fan service, and the movie effectively introduced a host of new characters and made me excited to see the next one. But I can also see how, if you live and breathe the Star Wars universe, this movie might not have been enough for you. It seems that it was more derivative of the first than people expected. But I was just going in for fun, to get carried away for two and a half hours. And I didn’t have to ask for my money back afterwards.

Andrew Cunningham, senior products specialist: J.J. Abrams, master of the Perfectly Fine reboot

Watching Episode VII, I couldn't help but think of the other long-running sci-fi franchise J.J. Abrams was recently entrusted with revitalizing. The circumstances are a little different—Trek was a clean-slate reboot for a franchise with too much baggage, Wars is a straightforward sequel that can mostly ignore anything that didn't happen in the first six films—but Abrams used a lot of the same basic ingredients to make both.

Both introduce new casts and characters that are instantly likable—Poe Dameron, Rey, and Finn (Oscar Isaac, Daisy Ridley, and John Boyega, respectively) do more to win you over in their first 30 seconds onscreen than any characters in the prequel trilogy ever did. Both movies introduce enough new elements to open things up for a sequel (Job One for any blockbuster moviemaker), but include enough occasionally gratuitous nostalgia to get those cheers from the audience at just the right moment. Both look just a bit slicker than the old Wars and Trek movies did but mostly succeed in maintaining the look, feel, and spirit of their predecessors.

Which isn't to say he gets everything right. The Force Awakens misses a couple of big emotional beats—we can't be super upset about a planet blowing up if we don't know anything about who or what is on it—and the gigantic Supreme Leader Snoke (played by Andy Serkis, your go-to guy if you need motion capture data for a computer-generated monster) feels entirely out of place in the fictional universe established by the previous six films. There were, perhaps, a few too many obligatory references to older films tossed in, and the high-level story structure is so much like A New Hope that it sucks some of the tension out of some of the big action set pieces toward the end of the film. But J.J. Abrams understands why fans like these franchises, and in both Star Trek (2009) and The Force Awakens he does a perfectly good job of keeping old fans engaged and winning over new ones.

The Force Awakens doesn't stand with the best of the classic Star Wars films, but it feels like Star Wars and it leaves viewers with just enough questions that they'll be looking forward to Episode VIII the second the credits roll. There are plenty of nits to pick, but given the pressures of making commercial art for some of fandom's loudest pedants, he walks the tightrope pretty well.

Sam Machkovech, culture reporter: The Force slumbers?

By the end of The Force Awakens, I missed George Lucas' involvement in the series. (Hear me out! Yikes, I can already feel the burn and sting of a thousand angry comments.)

I really enjoyed my two-plus hours within the latest film. The score, the cinematography, the special effects: all good stuff. The actors' performances were stellar, save Harrison Ford's haggard presence; I got the feeling he would push back after a ho-hum take and tell JJ, "that was good enough, kid." Adam Driver, in particular, had the unenviable job of carrying a villain who was equal parts terrifying and bratty, but he absolutely landed that tricky balance in ways that Hayden Christiansen could only dream of.

What I found severely lacking, however, was a real conversation about the light and dark side—about how or why any Star Wars characters suffered from fear or anger. Kylo Ren got the closest, but his relationships with the original trilogy's major three characters were only hinted at. What exactly broke him?

We also only get the faintest hints of such light-and-dark struggles from the other primary heroes. Finn's Stormtrooper upbringing is but a footnote in this film, and the notion that he was raised to essentially be a tool for the New Order doesn't line up with his occasional, welcome goofiness. Will he need to eventually unlearn a lifetime of hate? Was he snuck a delicious dollop of light-side philosophy as a child? He's a fun and welcome character in the new sequel, but who is he, really?

Only Rey really enjoys a philosophical "a-ha" moment when confronted by Maz Kanata about her abandonment issues. "The belonging you seek is not behind you but ahead" may very well rank up there with "Do or do not, there is no try" in terms of lasting, heartfelt Star Wars quotes, yet when Rey hears it, there has been no major initiation, no training, no coming to terms with her destiny. In some ways, Rey shows up fully formed, as if a magical switch went off in her head, as if the way she'd lived her life until now was attuned perfectly with the training that both Anakin and Luke struggled with in their own ways.

I am fine with any one of those three origin stories being fast-forwarded for the sake of pacing or mystery; in particular, Kylo Ren is the new trilogy's apparent major baddie, and it's not like Darth Vader revealed his whole hand in A New Hope. But for all three major story-movers to come off so scant, and for Han and Leia's own story to be provided so breezily, feels too thin. Compared to other films, the Force doesn't really awaken here.

For all the things Lucas got wrong in the prequels, his heart was in the right place. Anakin's development as a flawed Force wielder was a damned good story that just happened to land in some of Hollywood's worst hands. Abrams has proven quite an adept back story handler—at least, when given enough hours in a TV series—but he dropped the light-and-dark ball in a juggle to live up to so many Star Wars expectations in less than two-and-a-half hours.

Annalee Newitz, culture editor: The Dark Side and the lulz

There’s a good reason why this video of the kid swearing allegiance to Darth Vader at Disneyland went viral a few years ago. The Dark Side is fascinatingly badass. Who among you hasn’t fantasized about using Vader’s strangle-at-a-distance powers? It’s no wonder that Kylo Ren wants to be just like his grandfather—and yet what makes Ren such an intriguing new bad guy is how completely different he is from his cool, controlled ancestor.

In The Force Awakens, Kylo Ren is a classic J.J. Abrams bad guy. Like Nero in Star Trek, he’s twitchy and out of control. He’s not a semi-deity who commands an invisible Force, but instead a human-sized villain who has petty squabbles with his colleagues over who’s in charge. When things go wrong, Ren doesn’t issue orders in a clipped voice and stride out of the room with a cape flaring behind him. Instead, he freaks out, spasmodically slicing up a wall of monitors with his light saber like some geek rage-beating her Linux machine after trying to install new drivers.

These displays of fury don’t make Ren seem scary. They make him vulnerable. He reminds me of another Abrams villain in these moments: the drunken father who beats his family in the movie Super 8. Ren is a man who can’t control himself, who is torn apart by self-hatred and what Rey perceives in their psychic Force battle as a fear of failure. He’s a bag of emotional instability who’s chosen to deal with his issues by victimizing the people who love and depend on him the most. So of course Ren murders his father, Han Solo, with a saber stab right to the heart.

And that actually is scary. Because Ren isn’t an authoritarian political leader like his grandfather. He’s a psychopath with no goals other than destruction and chaos.

So this is the new Dark Side, reimagined for audiences who are coming of age in the twenty-first century. Maybe Ren will appeal to kids who have grown up more terrified of stateless actors than the Cold War enemies the US once fought with a missile defense system nicknamed Star Wars. Or maybe Ren just offers a welcome respite from the fascist dictator Vader trope. Ren is an intimate villain who takes off his mask to reveal flowing hair and the face of a boy who stole Lena Dunham’s heart. His motivations are selfish and small. He’s not the kind of man who destroys democracy from the top down. He rots it from below, like a troll who does it for the lulz.

Aaron Zimmerman, copyeditor: A wave of relief

If The Force Awaken’s narrative similarities to A New Hope weren’t obvious enough to you by the film’s halfway point, the Starkiller Base plotline should have sealed the deal. The film’s overdone nostalgia-trip call-outs didn’t annoy me to the point of distraction, but when we learned that a ragtag squadron of X-wing pilots needed to fly down a trench to hit a weak point in Yet Another Death Star, my eyes just about rolled out of the back of my head.

By the end of the movie, though, I had warmed to the idea. Think about the crushing weight of the responsibility riding on J.J. Abrams' shoulders. How do you make a Star Wars movie in 2015? How do you wash out the bad taste of the prequels while simultaneously making a follow-up to a cultural behemoth that hasn’t seen a sequel in over 30 years? Maybe you go back to square one. Maybe you cook up a familiar story, stuff it with fantastic new characters, and give your audience a really good time. Maybe you blow up a Death Star.

Yes, The Force Awakens is a lovely baton-pass (light-baton?) to the series’ new heroes and villains, but it’s also a mission statement for the movies to come. Star Wars should be fun, and The Force Awakens assures us that the fun is back. As I walked out of the theater with a huge, goofy grin on my face, the one emotion I felt more than any other was relief. Am I being too charitable? Probably. The movie is far from perfect, and it may fall in my estimation when the initial high wears off. But for now, I‘m happy. There’s a new Star Wars movie in theaters right now, and it’s very good.

Listing image by Walt Disney Pictures