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Roads across the country have experienced the quietest Easter since the First World War, with police promising a crackdown on non-essential travel and holidays.

All last month Australians had been told to cancel trips and stay at home to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

Even family gatherings, and gatherings of more than two people have been banned and state governments ordered their police to fine anyone seen to be ignoring directives to stay home.

Here in Queensland, the transport office reported a surge in numbers of bluebloods attempting to change their addresses to their beach house on Straddie and Sunshine Beach – so as to avoid punishment when they get checked for ID on the exit ramps.

In Tasmania, police used helicopters to spot people travelling on the roads, while in New South Wales, even the state arts minister, Don Harwin, could be fined $1,000 for moving to his coastal holiday house. He has since resigned from the pointless venture known as state politics.

However, in Melbourne it seems the aristocratic classes are just that much more brazen about relocating to their gorgeous weekenders during quarantine.

Fearing neither accountability or repercussions for their decision to leave the hedges of Toorak for their 9-bedroom beach house in Portsea, the Smorgallieu family believe the Easter lock down wasn’t directed to ‘people like them’.

“Sounds like that’s more a Mallacoota problem… Haha” third-generation stockbrokers’s wife, Elsa Smorgallieu (45).

“I can see why they have a problem with renters swarming beach towns… But in Portsea, most of us are owners.

“We are as good as locals… Even if the Mornington locals don’t recognise us… It’s like Sorry Jayden I know you don’t remember me from high school but my caffeine addiction is basically keeping your family afloat”

“Haha”

It’s for the Mornington Peninsulua’s new coronavirus-charged ‘Locals Only’ attitude that families like the Smorgallieus are going to have to lay low this Easter and try to holiday as discreetly as much as possible. Not for fear of police enforcement, but because they don’t want to cop any eggs on the rangey.

“We had to take the car off-road at Arthurs Seat on the way here” said another tax-evading generational wealth hoarding pre-internet retail heiress, Magda Liberbesen (50).

“We’ve even let our boys say ‘H’ as ‘haytch’ like the other local kids”

“Next they’ll be saying ‘youse’ as a second person plural haha”

However, while the Toorak families might be able convince themselves that they are blending in to this coastal small-town with their salmon moleskin trousers and birkenstocks – the humble-bragging private school bumper stickers are blowing their covers.

Locals say that seeing stickers for competitive croquet, sailing and even polo has given away all of the Aspen ski bunnies currently responsible for the disastrous spread of coronavirus in Victoria, and the destruction of a domestic economy.

“Who the fuck plays rugby in Portsea?” asks local kid, Corey.

“Pass me my eggs boys”