Hello. It's Opening Day. You are excited about baseball. So am I. Let us be excited about baseball together.

I've been working on a Hunter Pence scouting report generator for about a year now. The idea came from a fake scouting report I wrote for Pence three years ago that's probably the most-read article I've ever written. People love fake scouting reports for Pence, boy howdy.

The plan was to dump it on a dull January or February day. Nothing's happening, it's winter, here's a frivolous toy to play with for six minutes, tee hee.

Except, this is more to me. This is the embodiment of everything I love about baseball. I love that Pence can swing and remind me of a six-foot pangolin dribbling a basketball with its nose. The inelegance is the perfect way to highlight the elegance. Baseball is beautiful. There's no player who reminds me of this more than Hunter Pence. In a very roundabout way.

Happy Opening Day, everyone. Here's to your favorite players reminding why you love baseball, over and over again. Here's to the even year and everything that comes with it. Here's to Hunter Pence, and here's to the San Francisco Giants. Go team.