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A common misconception you see about Turtleboy Sports is that we’re not trying to make things better for the community. Nothing could be further from the truth. The entire purpose of this blog is to make things better for the community by shaming people who are making things worse for the community. It raises awareness and forces those who are in charge to do the right thing.

To that end, a big problem in Worcester for kids is there’s nowhere for them to swim. Back in the day, as in five or six years ago, there were 3 foot pools everywhere. Now they’re all gone because the city doesn’t wanna pay for them. So what do we spend money on instead? Jen Roy’s $50,000 salary to be Melinda Boone’s spokesperson comes to mind. Or how about the six figure salary that Ed Augustus has added into the budget for a “Chief Diversity Officer?” What do you think better serves the children of Worcester? A pool or a chief diversity officer?

This is why we fight and “attack” at Turtleboy Sports – for the children of Worcester. We do not apologize for exposing and “attacking” chiselers and sneakthieves. We know they don’t like it, but this isn’t about them. It’s about the children. And to show you just how bad it is for Worcester children in the summer, we present to you the Top 10 Best Places To Swim In Worcester. This is literally as good as it gets, which tells you all you need to know.

10. Elm Park

You know your swimming situation is in rough shape when a two foot body of water filled with grass makes the top 10. I’ve never personally seen anyone swim in this, but I guarantee some of Worcester’s finest have taken an afternoon dip while doing the Russell Street shuffle.

9. Institute Park

Institute is a slight step up from Elm Park. You won’t be bothered by the family reunion barbecues and Park Ave entrepreneurs that you would be at Elm Park, but it’s not exactly Lake George either. Once again, I’ve never seen anyone swim in this thing, but it’s almost definite that WPI fraternity’s have tossed a pledge or two into this lovely body of water after forcing them to do an elephant walk.

8. Crystal Park

Many call this “dead hooker pond,” but there’s never been actual proof that a dead hooker was thrown in there. I mean, it’s right in the middle of Main South. There are literally hundreds of better places to get rid of a body within a square mile radius. Nevertheless, when I look at that body of the water, the first thing I think is “dead hookers.” I have no idea what this pond is really called, but it will always be dead hooker pond to me.

7. Crompton Park

If you’ve ever lifeguarded at a city pool before, you know that Worcester’s finest don’t just “go” to the pool. Oh no, they make a day of it. Literally from the moment a pool opens at 11 until it closes at 7, you will see the same children there seven days a week for the entire time, surviving on nothing more than a bag of cheetos and pool water. Then after 7 they will jump the fence and they become the Worcester Police’s problem.

6. Vernon Pool

Worcester only has three pools, and two of them are within a mile of each other. This is a quick shot up Endicott Street from Crompton Park. Why? Why did we build them so close to each other? And they’re not exactly known for their cleanliness either. Quite frankly, I’d rather swim in Elm Park. And we all know Worcester’s finest has no problem pissing in the pool. But ask any lifeguard who works in the Woo – people take dumps in the pool on the regular. And lifeguards LOVE when someone dumps in the pool because it means it’s closed for the day. I’m not saying lifeguards at the now defunct Great Brook Valley or Beaver Brook pools ever purposely threw dog shit in the pool to get off of work, because nine times out of ten a turd would float by on it’s own without that becoming necessary.

5. Coes Pond

Today was a rare day at Coes Pond – it wasn’t closed down due to bacteria. Because 99 times out of 100 it will be closed because of bacteria. But for whatever reason people don’t like to come to Coes Pond. Too bad, because there literally isn’t a safer place to swim with six lifeguards patrolling a ten square foot swimming area that comes to an end at a random island where junkies go to get their fix in the winter.

4. Bennett Pool

Here’s another thing about pools in the Woo – the outfits are FANTASTIC. Bennett Pool is in Webster Square, which is the highest concentration of people who give zero fucks in one area of the city. Thus the outfit of choice at the pool is often a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. And I’m not talking about what you wear TO the pool. I’m talking about what you wear IN the pool. Webster Square’s finest stroll out for their slum sociables and jump into the pool with whatever they happened to put on when they woke up that day. This is usually followed by a trip to Webster Square Pizza Hut for a dry-down.

3. Bell Pond

It seems like every summer SOMEONE is drowning in Bell Pond. The legend says it’s 200 feet deep and that there’s whirlpools that suck you in. None of that is true. Bell Pond is just a magnet for people who think they can swim because it looked easy when they saw it on the Olympics. Oh yea, and if you like it when your family is harassed by the town drunk who calls himself “Cowboy” and wades into Bell Pond in the wheelchair he stole from Memorial Hospital while yelling racial slurs at children, then you’ll LOVE going to Bell Pond.

2. Lake Quinsigamond

See this is what I don’t get. How is Crompton Park and Bennett Pool packed to the brim, and then you go to this beautiful Lake we’ve got and there’s five people there. People really like swimming in urine that much? Anyway, this is like another Coes Pond because nine times out of ten it’s closed due to bacteria. I don’t understand why the city even bothers closing these places down because of “bacteria.” As if Grafton Hill’s finest gives any fucks about having to swim in bacteria.

1. Indian Lake

The fact that this is as good as it gets tells you everything you need to know about swimming in the Woo. The whole lake is 15 feet deep at it’s deepest, so luckily no one ever dies here. Unfortunately that’s all it takes to make the top of the Worcester swimming list – a lack of bodies at the bottom. Indian Lake is pretty big too. These pictures are from Shore Park, which is what we refer to as “nice Indian Lake.” As opposed to the beach across the water:

which we refer to as “ghetto Indian Lake.

And this area right here:

Is going to be PACKED on Saturday. That’s because GBV’s finest make their annual pilgrimage to Shore Drive every Independence Day for the traditional barbecue and running of the pit bulls.

Luckily we haven’t had our first Worcester heat wave yet, but you know it’s coming. And when it does, kids in Worcester NEED pools to go to. Where’s the pools on the West Side? Where’s the pools near Burncoat Street? There are none. And we could build them, but instead we’re wasting money on things we don’t need like a “Chief Diversity Officer” to fix the non-existent racism that the hippies have convinced Ed Augustus and Joe Petty is so rampant.

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