No no no no no no no no, it's okay. It's okay, little lamb. I mean, it's not really okay, but it's not what you think. The Pennsylvania woman in question, whose name is Vickie Mills, didn't sneak poison into the man's eye drops (AAAGGHH, MY EYES!!!)—it turns out, the poison is the eye drops. Vickie admitted to authorities that she "placed eye drops into Thurman Nesbitt's drinking water 10 to 12 times since June 2009."


Oh, I get it! It's just like the old "Visine Prank," where you slip a few drops of Visine into your algebra teacher's Postum, causing him to get a mad case of the poops on the morning of your pop quiz. But, as so often is the case, life does not quite imitate the urban legend. The real-life "Visine Prank" doesn't just induce harmless algebra-derailing poops—it does terrible, terrible things to your insides, causing you to seek all kinds of zany medical attention! Good prank! Visine, you see, is all full of this chemical called tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride, which makes you fucking sick as shit.

Side effects of Visine ingestion include:

Dangerously low body temperature (hypothermia)

Blurred vision

Nausea and vomiting

Difficulty in breathing or even a complete halt in breathing

Elevating (hypertension) then dropping (hypotension) blood pressure

Possible coma

Seizures and tremors


Oh, and death. Ha ha, pranked you!!! Mr. Motylewski is in the most hilarious Visine-induced coma ever right now.

Anyway, Mills's nefarious crime was discovered when Mr. Nesbitt's doctor was all, "OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK" for the last time:

For years Nesbitt's doctor treated him for symptoms including nausea, vomiting, blood pressure problems and breathing trouble, police said. The doctor contacted authorities on June 17 after he discovered tetrahydrozoline, a chemical found in eye drops, in blood tests.

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Mr. Nesbitt, presumably, is recovering comfortably. But here's the devastating kicker:

Mills told police she poisoned Nesbitt so he would pay more attention to her.

FROW.

NEE.

FACE.

:-(

Okay. It seems pretty clear that this isn't so much a prank or an attempted murder as it is a really sad story about a woman suffering from pretty severe mental/emotional instability. Best of luck to Mr. Nesbitt's eyedrop-ravaged body and Ms. Mills's life-ravaged brain.


And thanks for the heads-up—if I ever find myself in my third year of mysterious uncontrollable diarrhea tremors, I'll remember to check the butler's wastebasket for empty Visine bottles. (I'll catch you one of these days, Flinders!!!)