CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side. “Our research found that the fears of people considering a Lasik procedure were generally exaggerated, with only one-third experiencing a searing beam of light that drills through their eyeball, reduces their brain to cinders, and then bursts through the back of their head,” said lead author Dr. Roger Cardenas, noting that apprehensions about the likelihood of having the contents of one’s brain instantly vaporized often overshadowed the fact that roughly 66 percent of patients who underwent Lasik enjoyed greatly improved vision. “This isn’t to say there is no risk, however, and people should weigh the benefits of never again having to wear glasses or contacts against the possibility that the laser will puncture their retina, liquify all their cerebral matter, explode through their head, and continue straight through the wall behind them.” Cardenas also clarified that Lasik surgery was different from cataract surgery, which uses suction to remove the clouded-over lens and which vacuums up both eyes and the nose nearly half the time.

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