by

Scotland must go to its bedroom and stay there until it’s taken a good hard look at itself and is ready to join the rest of the United Kingdom without being Mr Shouty, according to Prime Minister of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland, David Cameron

“We’ve all had a good jolly. But it all went far too far and that’s quite enough of being Angus McShouty. You’re under our roof now and it’s our oil again. Did I mention there’s shitloads of it?

“As such a referendum only happens once every three hundred years and as I’ll be dead by the time the next one comes around, I can safely say we’re not going to fulfil a single promise we made to get you to vote No. But you can always vote to leave again in 2372 or something.

“In terms of extra jobs however, there will be at least one starting immediately. We need someone to drive all the money saved from the forthcoming benefit cuts in a gold truck straight out of Scotland and directly to me and my Westminster friends in one of our huge mansions. We will then use it to fill a swimming pool full of Bollinger and splash about in it scoffing canapés made from a carpaccio of rare species.”

Despite his insistence that Scotland should rejoin the UK on probation with lower wages, lower benefits, earlier bed times and less oil, Mr Cameron admitted he still has a certain affection for the non independent nation. “I remember the first time I met a Scotsman. It was in a restaurant and this funny chap kept saying aye and noo instead of yes and no. Obviously we asked for him to be thrown out but I always wondered if we hadn’t, what other funny noises he might have made.” he reminisced wistfully.

Whilst the SNP have described Scotland’s bedroom curfew as “scaremongering” UKIP leader Nigel Farage has hailed it as a victory for common sense.

“With Salmond out of the picture it’s back to me spouting jingoistic nationalist bollocks on the telly every single waking hour. Have you missed me?”