Some people hear the phrase “medical experiment” and think the worst. The Tuskegee syphilis study. The Willowbrook hepatitis experiment. Pfizer’s notorious Trovan trial. Names like Josef Mengele may even come to mind.

Not here at the University of Minnesota. When we hear medical experiment, our thoughts naturally turn to the Minnesota State Fair, where we will soon be unveiling a new state-of-the-art research facility. Do you know how many people visit the fair every year? In 2014, our “Driven to Discover Building” will give us immediate access to 1.7 million potential subjects for human experimentation. And of course, nothing says “medical authority” like prize hogs, rodeo clowns and a refrigerated display case of high-quality butter sculpture.

You might be thinking: “How can medical experiments compete with the Arabian Daze Fun House and Monty’s Traveling Reptile Show? Frankly, ten minutes on the Scrambler sounds like more fun than having a Foley catheter shoved up my penis!” Well, of course you’ve got a point. But remember, all our examinations are performed by gloved-and-gowned professionals using sterile equipment. And not only can you can get paid to take part in medical experiments, you get a bonus check for invasive procedures.

Of course, there is only so much that researchers can do at the fair. But think about the long game. As our communications office has pointed out, not only can we collect biological specimens but we can also “recruit and screen potential participants for eligibility in more involved studies at the university.” Recruitment and screening: that’s how you monetize 17 million visitors a year. Think public-private partnerships. Think “translational medicine.” Think branded pharmaceuticals.

I’m not saying we don’t have a few public relations hurdles, especially when it comes to our psychiatry department. Nobody’s saying it’s great for business when your research subjects are throwing themselves into the Mississippi River and trying to decapitate themselves in the shower. Even a genius PR guy is going to have trouble spinning 46 deaths and injuries at the hands of a single psychiatrist into a net positive. But look at it this way. Did it really hurt business when one of our guys was sentenced to federal prison for research fraud? Or what about the psychiatrist who tested the date rape drug on illiterate Hmong opium addicts? Did he let an FDA debarment slow him down? Believe me: at the University of Minnesota we know how to spin a scandal.

You’re probably thinking: “This all sounds super-exciting, but is it ethical?” The answer: Absolutely! Of course there will always be killjoys who cry exploitation, but we have a team of dedicated bioethicists on staff to ensure that we are protected from needless litigation.

Besides, where’s the fun of a state fair without a little risk? With a little imagination, our research facility could be really competitive. The Midway may have the bumper boats and The Flying Dutchman, but ordinary carnival rides will never compare to the thrills of our Corkscrew® Colonoscopy Unit or the Sizzler® Electroconvulsive Therapy machine, which can deliver up to 450 volts of brief-pulse, seizure-inducing electrical current directly to your frontal lobe. Children will love the Lil’ Lab Rat Petting Zoo, where they can dissect a collie or administer experimental antipsychotic drugs to real live guinea pigs. And for the dads, there’s crazy fun with the Rocket Launcher.™ If the fun lasts more than 4 hours, better call your doctor!

Daring? Perhaps. Innovative? Absolutely. But innovation is what we’re all about at the University of Minnesota. So look for us at the 2014 “Great Minnesota Get-Together” between the Swine Booth and the Poultry Barn, where we’ll be putting the “farm” back in “pharmaceuticals!”