San Francisco, CA – Employees consoled each other in mourning as they could only stand powerlessly nearby while fire fighters successfully extinguished a kitchen fire. Officials stated that the fire was started by an anonymous individual who accidentally tried to microwave over a dozen firecrackers. Multiple anonymous employees described themselves as “inconsolable” after discovering that the fire department was able to prevent any damage to the office whatsoever, leading many coworkers to break down into tears after being told it was completely safe to go back to work.

“Where was this fire department, apparently the Seal Team 6 of firefighters, when Notre Dame was burning?,” cried one anonymous employee. “How can they look themselves in the mirror, knowing how much pain and suffering they’ve inflicted by forcing us to go back to work, while a historic landmark was burning away in Ohio?”

After dealing with numerous “kitchen fires” in San Francisco’s often-overworked tech startups, the city’s fire department has grown used to the negative reaction after doing their job quickly and efficiently. When asked for comment, a senior official simply stated that the fire department “recommends that anyone feeling overly stressed at work takes a mental health day instead committing arson.”

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