ABC

WILL THE REAL JAMES TAYLOR PLEASE STAND UP? Why, why, why are we calling him James Taylor. Am I overestimating the popularity of James Taylor proper? Did they make him change his name solely that people like me would be able to make jokes about James Taylor doing a collab with Jojo? SIDENOTE: I WOULD PAY A LOT OF MONEY TO SEE THIS HAPPEN. I WOULD PAY FOR TIDAL. Anyway. James Taylor Swift goes on a pretty boring swing dancing date with JoJo. Afterward, they perch on "Jojo's" car and Jojo is all "You're the perfect guy! You're attractive and nice and funny and you won the 1971 Grammy for your pop hit 'You've Got a Friend!"" And James goes "Oh, womp womp, there actually is something bad about me. I'm not perfect." The music changes and I get so excited! James was a child bride! James killed a man! James killed the real James Taylor and tried to do a whole Don Draper thing but forgot that people knew who James Taylor was! "I got made fun of as a kid for not being attractive," says James Taylor 2.0. Ohhhkay. This is an artfully done backdoor brag. Getting bullied is unfortunate, but it's not a negative trait about yourself by any means. Plus, this forces Jojo to go "noooo! You're attractive! Here, have a rose!" Well played, James Trailer. THEN JAMES GETS OUT HIS GUITAR AND PLAYS JOJO AN AWFUL SONG, BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES. Listen: if you're not getting paid to play guitar, nobody wants to hear you play guitar. I promise.