This is Toby. Toby thinks he is great. Toby likes to tell other people how they can be great too, just like him. Toby is what we call a ‘right-wing’ person.

But what are ‘right-wing’ people?

Right-wing people are people who think they are great. Right-wing people think other people can be great too, if only other people were a bit more like them. Right-wing people think they know how to do things better than other people.

Some right-wing people even think they know better than experts. If you have a tummy ache, normal people go to a doctor. Normal people listen to the doctor and do what they tell them to do.

But right-wing people don’t like to listen to doctors. Right-wing people think they know better than doctors.

Right-wing people also think they know better than firemen how to put out fires. And they think they know better than teachers how to teach. And right-wing people even think they know better than your mum how to look after you.

But right-wing people do like to help people. In fact, a lot of right-wing people spend a LOT of time telling people what to do. For example, right-wing people like to help disabled people by telling them not to be so disabled. And taking their wheelchairs off them.

And right-wing people like to help people who don’t have enough to eat by taking their bedrooms off them.

Right-wing people like nothing better than to buy and sell things. Right-wing people like to buy and sell everything. Trains, schools, hospitals. They will even buy and sell things that don’t belong to them. Trains, schools, hospitals. Some will even sell you their grannies. If the price is right. Or their souls.

Right-wing people don’t like a lot of things. They don’t like working class people. They think their television sets are too big. And they think working class people speak funny. They think if working class people would only speak more like they do, then they could be great people too. Right-wing people don’t much like sick or old people. They think if sick or old people spent less time lying in hospital beds and more time buying and selling things, then they wouldn’t be sick or old any longer. Right-wing people think everything can be made better by buying and selling things. Trains, schools, hospitals. Old age.

How to spot a right-wing person?

Some right-wing people have two faces and have noses which are too high on their faces, causing them to look down on other people. They also suffer from illnesses like severe knee-jerk reactions. Right-wing people’s hearts are often very small. Some right-wing people don’t have any heart at all.

There are a lot of colours right-wing people don’t like. They don’t like brown or black, because they think they’re not white enough. Right-wing people’s favourite colour is white. They think white is better than any other colour. Right-wing people would like everything to be white. White towns, white collars, white golf clubs.

Right-wing people don’t like green. They think only left-wing people should like green. And right-wing people especially hate red. They think red should be wiped off the face of the earth.

Right-wing people like nature. They like nothing better than to spend a day in the countryside, experiencing the rich diversity of wild life that lives there before killing it and putting it on their wall.

Right-wing people think everybody who has money is great. They think if people who don’t have money didn’t have such big televisions sets and didn’t speak so funny they could have money too. They think people shouldn’t get themselves born into a family without money. Right-wing people think the best way to make sure families without money have more money, is to give more money to families who have money, and take more money away from families who don’t have much money. Right-wing people like money.

How to tell if you are a right-wing person?

Simply take this one question test to find out if you are a right-wing person:

Do you think anybody could be great given a chance even if they are not white, rich or able-bodied?

A. No

B. Yes

(Scroll down for answers) …

You answered A – you are probably a right-wing person.

You answered B – you are probably not a right-wing person.