Who knew that celebrating the birth of the Savior would be so hateful and bigoted? Apparently we white people have been mucking up the Feast of the Nativity and it’s high time that we come clean, washed from our sins to be as white as snow.

Uh oh, I did it again. Racist without even knowing it! At least Jesus the Lamb of God will forgive me. After all, He is…

Sorry. I was going to say “pure and spotless,” but that would imply that His wool is…you guessed it. White.

Well, let’s get on to other ways in which we evil whites have been making life miserable for other people, and ruining our souls in the process.

1. Santa Claus. Why do we portray this near-omnipotent elf whom all children worldwide are supposed to supplicate as a white man? How about having a black Santa for a change, or a gay one even? Isn’t it time for a woman to be running things at the North Pole? Just because Santa Claus is a European traditional figure doesn’t mean that he should be portrayed as a white man, right?

2. A Christmas Story. The movie famous for its “you’ll put your eye out!” warnings about BB guns is apparently steeped in white privilege.

3. White Christmas. The song and movie of the same title are clearly fronts for evil racists! What’s wrong with a “tan Christmas” or a “blended mocha Christmas”? Yes, everyone wants tan, mocha, and black-colored snow on Christmas morning. It’s lots of fun to play in. And as for real people, who would want a college with white people?

4. Operation Christmas Child. Did you know that sending a non-white child in the Third World toys and personal hygiene goods for Christmas is racist? Yes, Franklin Graham’s annual outreach to total strangers overseas is apparently a slight to cultural sensitivities, argues one hipster mommy blogger. She’s not too fond of Graham’s endorsement of Trump or Graham’s fondness for keeping exploding Muslims out of America, either.

5. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Why overcome social ostracism through hard work? Rudolph teaches kids to tolerate bullying…at Christmas of all times!

6. Jingle Bells. Don’t go singing that happy, joyful song about sleighs and bells with your kids anymore. You might make them into racists! Thankfully, a benevolent SWPL professor at Boston University is setting things right by exposing the racist roots of Jingle Bells.

7. Black Peter. The Dutch have long celebrated Christmas with St. Nicholas and his darker-hued assistant, Black Peter. In recent years non-whites and their anti-white SWPL allies have lambasted the tradition. Just because rich blacks can portray themselves as Nordic gods in Thor doesn’t mean that white commoners can act like black elves!

8. The Nutcracker. It portrays Chinese and Arabs as…traditional Chinese and Arabs! Not a smartphone, female vote, or Mao red book among them. Clearly, this is evil.

9. Baby, It’s Cold Outside. This is a “date-rape anthem” and in the era of #MeToo, it has to go along with these other songs that covertly condone sexual assault. Time to “man up” and get your patriarchal, misogynistic self out the door into the cold, bucko!

10. Christmas. Yes, Christmas itself is racist, since it is a self-congratulating, Christo-fascist, Euro-centric festival of oppression and sexism!

I hope this has been useful for you. I know it has been cathartic for me to list the ways in which I’ve been a totally damnable person for all these years. Maybe if I grovel and cuck hard enough, I’ll be worthy of a Hanukkah card from the ADL next year, or at least a few nibbles of lamb during Ramadan.

Merry Christmas — no, strike that — Happy Holidays!