#AnnounceRobertGray

Billericay Town Football Club have made sporting history by unveiling malevolent entity Pennywise the Dancing Clown as their new owner and manager.

Last known to be resident in a derelict sewer network, the exact reason for Pennywise’s relocation to Essex remains unclear.

In his first media appearance, Pennywise offered reporters a shiny red balloon each, before going on to state: “Want a balloon? They float. Ohhh, yes, they float, and we’ll float too. We’ll float up the non-league pyramid.”

The Football Association confirmed that the ageless, child-murdering shapeshifter had already passed the fit and proper persons test for new football club owners.

Outside the ground, we sought the opinions of passing ‘Ricay supporters. Alfie Wideboy, 32, said: “You can already see the impact of the new gaffer. I went on the dressing room tour earlier and saw horrible distorted pictures on the walls – a nightmarish set of images. I think they’re going to paint over those murals soon, though.”

A member of the Billericay board of directors told a reporter: “Our marketing director spotted Pennywise lurking in a derelict culvert just outside Brentwood. ‘Penno’ always has a ton of make-up on, but modern football’s all about inclusivity.”

He continued: “Pennywise can make you imagine the smell of delicious fried onions almost vividly enough to mask the underlying scent of piss and decay. Football grounds basically smell of those three things anyway, so he seemed a good fit. We did have some disagreements about the appearance and character of the new owner and his – It’s – possible impact on the first-team playing squad, not to mention our youth development. Ultimately, however, we came to the conclusion that our players were accustomed to a circus.”

“Right, I’m off to flog these balloons from the back of my van.”