Q: What do Lesbians bring on the second date?

A: A U-Haul.

We’ve all seen it happen. Lesbians go from Lez-be-friends to Lez-be-girlfriends to OMG Lez-be-2gether 4-ever in what seems like the blink of an eye. Similar to James Dean, Lesbians live life on the edge, ignore the clear cut rules of society, and create their own. One day their toothbrush is in your bathroom and the next? their armoire in your bedroom.

It’s not even just the shacking up that gets to me it’s how “Me” becomes “We”and how inextricable couples can become so quickly. Much like Rice Krispie Treats, suddenly two things that were once separate become one congealed glob that some may deem delicious, but what could also be “a sticky mess.”

I enjoy a lot of the finer things in life, including but not limited to; wine, expensive cheese wheels, and asserting my independence. I enjoy the fact that my girlfriend and I have separate interests, spaces, and individual lives.

I’ve been sitting on this one today, on why is it that lesbians feel the need to move at a different pace on the space-time continuum than most human beings. It’s a short list, but this is what I got:

1. Lesbians are crazy. I did the math once and realized that it’s about a 70/30 ratio. For lesbians, the “urge to merge” seems to prevail over what most sensible people would refer to as logic.

2. It doesn’t seem like such a “big deal” in a female-to-female relationship to jump the gun on things like moving in. There is an undeniable bond between woman – we all manage to bleed for three to five days without dying, and take delight in cooking, cleaning, and wearing high heels while vacuuming. We are already used to being around each other.

3. Dating isn’t as easy as a lesbian. Most lesbians that I know either date their friends, or they date their friend’s friends. This can get messy fast. Therefore, when a lesbian finds a half decent female specimen they proceed to do this:

Some may read this, perhaps on their Smart Phone as they drive their packed U-Haul to their new place with their lesbian lover of two weeks and think that I am the “Scrooge McDuck” of Lesbians. The honest truth is that it doesn’t matter – gay, straight, bisexual, even my cat can make questionable choices. What is true, is that there is a stigma – one that this lesbian thinks, we perpetuate quite well.