BERKELEY, CA—In what may pose a major paradigm shift in the rudimentary understanding of the small creatures, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley discovered evidence Wednesday that suggests children may, in fact, be closely related to humans. “After painstakingly extracting, sequencing, and analyzing dozens of ancient little-boy fossils, our team has come to the conclusion that there is a strong likelihood that contemporary homo sapiens are a direct, if distant, descendant of children,” said Dr. Evan Rollins of the findings, which seem to indicate that little kids and human beings may have a genetic difference of less than 1 percent. “Our two species have coexisted for millennia, and we can now say that babies—although much smaller and barely capable of using basic plastic tools—may, in fact, be our forebears. It’s all really quite astounding.” However, some researchers on the project are reevaluating the study after observing a child picking its nose and eating it.

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