I apologize to the dear reader, this post will be another haphazard hastily thrown together as I am too busy to live.

*I should add since starting this post on May 29, It is now June 23 and I have moved across the state. I was very, very busy. I also wanted to edit this post before posting.

I am sure you know the feeling .

I have much the same investment made into these words that I made into the above “shrine.” But it was a shrine to me when I set it up. And I believe the psychological pay off was great!

When I say a shrine to me, I merely mean that my intention was to see what kind of psychological effects I would have subjectively as I made, contemplated, and did rituals with this little shrine. I didn’t much more thought into it than that, a psychological experiment made to see how strongly I could stimulate myself emotionally towards a state of motivation.

This is what I think I need to address more on this blog. The subjective experience. The psychological pay off.

But this thing evolved on me. I felt myself deeply engaged by these symbols. The Santa Muerte on my black candle is most famous as the Goddess of the cartels of the Mexican mafia. But she is also the Goddess of real Mexican brujos who have a form of Santeria heavily based on syncretism with their ancestral Mexica gods, Mexica is more often understood as the descendants of the Aztecs, Mayans, and other Mexican native tribe. She is a vessel of profound mystery and insight. Much like the Goddess who accompanies her on my altar. Kali. Mama Kali permeates deeply into my psyche, both of these goddesses demanding a direct confrontation with death, which leads to a present confrontation with life and deeper engagement with the time known as Now.

Like I said earlier, I am not the kind to believe in gods, but I am learning that as I proceed my belief is somewhat irrelevant.

There is a great Crowley quote on all this:

“In this book it is spoken of the Sephiroth and the Paths; os Spirits and Conjurations; of Gods, Spheres, Planes, and many things which may or may not exist. It is immaterial whether these things exist or not. By doing certain things certain results will follow; students are most earnestly warned against attributing objective reality or philosophic validity to any of them.”

-Liber O vel Manus et Sagittae sub figura VI, part 1, Line 2

I have found great psychological usefulness for this ambiguity. I find agnosticism to be refreshingly full of insane possibilities. Though I still defend the strictures of science as the best available way to determine reality as it is experienced collectively within our species.

I am beginning to understand how one might go mad if experimenting in this way without the aid of teachers and colleagues.

Luckily part of my highly charged subjective experience has been this. I have found the company and welcome and wise instruction of others. Though please don’t understand, I sharpen my fangs at authority, I spit vitriol at them. I only call those teachers who have proven themselves to be of a truly benevolent aim and possessing of mutual respect.

I have enjoyed finding a robust and intelligent community of occultists online, especially on r/occult on reddit. This website has provided me with a serious community of peer reviewers and has yielded more than one productive private message, these moments of deep advice have yielded tremendously in my personal life and I cannot understate the value I place on these digital mages.

I have also found a local community of Thelemites, and have made it somewhat of a project to at least do my shopping in the local Botanica (Santeria store) scene. This has for a moment given me an illusion that everywhere I go everyone is hip to occult practices.

The influence of my Thelemic brothers and sisters has also proven intensely productive. I cannot deny that I am in the true temple of the Sun when I am in the Bubastis Oasis. I have met such fraternity and assistance at this place. The energy is always good, the people are kind and full of respect. My experiences here have been impeccable.

I forget that I am actually an atheist (though this term becomes increasingly complex as I have recently read Crowley considered 3 different levels of atheism, and Chaos Magic recommends being an atheist 1/6 of the time as a part of a wizards regular work). I wonder around constantly intoxicated on symbols as I find that I can increase my personal levels of motivation and resilience to hardship is increased as a result of my ritual practice. Much of it done with the shrine above.

I am beginning to find the word atheist unfulfilling in my description. I know there is probably no god, but I also know that my mind is insanely powerful accepting the most mundane models of neuroscience.

I forget that unless someone is already into this shit, a person could actually get something about hearing about my subjective experience. I also forget that I learn so much from learning about other occult practitioner’s subjective experiences.

Now I remember that these things must be catalogued, reflected upon. If one is so inclined: shared.

The sharing of our work (at least as much as possible without violating the usefulness of secrecy) is important. It creates a community of peer review. It sets forth a grass roots academy from which one might find great personal empowerment. I have already benefited, personally, from those kind enough to pursue this task. I don’t just think I should share my experiences, i want all occultists to do so.

My whole intention in practicing magic was to try to recapture from a somewhat empirical approach the religious enthusiasm I once experienced as a charismatic christian. My charismatic christian brothers and sisters would probably say that is the holy ghost and cannot be attained without strict adherence to their theology and its prejudices.

In my attempts to root out harmful gullibility I embraced atheism. But I believe I am guarded against gullibility still, the inoculation of atheism is truly a useful tool against gullibility. Especially for what Robert Anton Wilson calls the “neophile”- those who love the new.

The perpetual pioneer. The radical. The freak. These are all neophiles and I seem to be one on a terminal level.

People like me need to always be aware that bullshit may be present in spades.

No wonder the Chaos Magician Peter Carroll recommends rolling a dice to achieve atheism 1/6 of the time. Yet another subjective experience in the magician’s toolkit.