WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them to lock lips with infected coronavirus patients and pump air into and out of their lungs,” said Trump, who explained how the Department of Labor would be giving all out-of-work Americans an opportunity to take an accelerated training course to learn how to successfully provide ventilatory assistance to Covid-19 patients with their mouths. “States asked for help, and we’ve listened. This is going to save hundreds, potentially thousands of lives, and put our nation’s great service workers back on their feet. There are thousands of very, very sick people waiting across the country with their mouths gaping open.” At press time, Trump told reporters that if unemployment numbers continue to rise, that many of the jobless could take on roles as hospital beds.

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