“The Rock” Announces Run for President

Jan 20, 2018

The Rock already has actor, cement mixer, and sculptor on its resume. Now it can add a run for the president of the United States of America.



When asked why its running now, after 4.5 billion years, it replied that “Trump must be defeated by any means possible. And frankly I don’t think humans can do it. A human cannot defeat what’s not human. A human cannot defeat a heart of stone. That’s why you need me.”

The Rock first made its name amongst human circles by appearing in the constructions of great pyramids, Stonehenge, Easter Island, Roman coliseums, and other sacred and ceremonial monuments. It later made a name in Hollywood by appearing as an extra—and sometimes starring—in literally every single movie ever made in the history of filmmaking. Quite an accomplishment for this venerable elder as old as the Earth itself.

But will these accomplishments translate to politics? The Rock seems to think so. For starters, The Rock is a big champion for rock rights.

“The quality of my fellow rocks has been dwindling over the years. As if dynamite wasn't bad enough, now it's fracking? We are your foundation. We have feelings and needs. You treat us like an object to be utilized, not a subject to be understood. Sad!”

The Rock has posted a few of its unusual positions on its website, surely to create a stir:

Pro Magma. Support of volcanoes through increased human sacrifices to the volcano gods.

Pro Magma. Support of volcanoes through increased human sacrifices to the volcano gods. Pro Metamorphism. Increased funding for highly pressurized environments.

Pro Metamorphism. Increased funding for highly pressurized environments. Pro Sediments. Help our rivers and beaches to increase lithification.

President Trump was not amused by this. He had this to tweet from the heights of Trump Tower:

“Well that tower you live in,” responded The Rock. “What do you think it’s made of? Me.”

2020 is heating up indeed.