In disappointing news, local man Lester Pelbish has just finished binge-watching the entirety of acclaimed anime Neon Genesis Evangelion in a gruelling weekend-long session, and yet this unbelievable dullard still doesn’t understand what it’s like to deal with crippling depression.

Despite watching all 26 episodes back-to-back with only short breaks to visit the bathroom and restock his bowl of chips, Lester “the dipshit” Pelbish remains unmoved by the complex spectacle of warring dynamics between self-actualisation and self-acceptance, and the self as defined by the expectations of others, that make Anno’s masterpiece anime the standout eastern art of the 90s.

Can you believe this motherfucker?

Ignoring the groundbreaking animation techniques of the time and the heaving, emotional script that alternates between wretched moments of man’s inhumanity to man, the complex symbolism of the ‘entry plug’ and ‘LCL’ as metaphors for the birth cycle that ultimately give way to the a subtle take on the Fruedian Oedipus complex, and the cinematic robotic battles that serve as layered analogies for a dysfunctional family relationship, fucking Pelbish is, sources now say, just sitting there playing Fortnite on his goddamn phone.

Observers report that Pelbish chose the moment when Gendo forces Unit-01 – with Shinji still inside – to attack and destroy Unit-03, severely injuring Toji, to take a phone call from his dad, who he loves very much and who he takes fishing once a month.

And – get this – he watched the fucking dub, and even got up to get a fucking beer during the ‘elevator’ scene between Rei and Asuka, as though the extended silence between the two was anything other than perfect.

Incredibly, Pelbish, a blight, is now checking his phone and reading the Wikipedia entry for Neon Genesis Evangelion, scrolling down to the “Symbology” section and saying “I guess?” loudly to himself in his empty living room, refusing to parse the series’ extraordinary Biblical allusions or how they operate as broader metaphors for alienation. Fucking unbelievable.

At press time, Pelbish had paused End of Evangelion midway through, having declared its shattering examination of the the tortured psyche of a teenage boy forced to reckon with the devastating totality of human suffering as ‘a bit much’, left the house and gone out into society at large, fully functional and at peace with himself, already thinking about what he would watch next and looking forward to buying a birthday gift for his girlfriend.

Leave a comment to say this guy sucks, and to suggest that he “probably wouldn’t get” what the Rebuild series is doing!