A sassy & sarcastic take on the ding-dongs I deal with every day

They’re everywhere. They work with you. They’re related to you. Take a look in the mirror. You’re likely looking at one.

I’m talking about poopy drivers on the road.

Toronto currently is currently rated as the worst commuting city in North America. While there is a need to improve our transit infrastructure, there are a vast amount of ding-dongs on the road making our commutes longer, more dangerous, and downright miserable.



Which of the following alliterations apply to you and make you a threat to humanity?

1. No-Signal Nelly

Whoa Nelly!

I see you out there. Not a caaare in the world. Just drifting into any lane you please. You couldn’t be bothered to use your signal! After all it’s a lengthy 3-inches away from your steering wheel. What moron put that thing so far away?!?

Listen Nelly. There are rules. If you don’t indicate where you are going… I can’t trust you. Now I gotta slow down and give you some space because you’re a sloppy bitch. You’re a loose cannon!

Truth is, your laziness could result in you being fined, involved in an accident, dead,

Paulie’s Punishment: 15 points from Hufflepuff.



2. Margie Merge-to-Soon

When merging after an off-ramp, Margie thinks shes doing everyone a favour by trying to merge as soon as possible. It would seem awfully impolite to go all the way to the end of the merging lane and cut in… We’re Canadian after all, we don’t want to be rude.

I’m sorry to say…

The truth is, the people flying past you on the shoulder and merging ahead are the real traffic heroes! Your intentions may seem noble, but your atrocities are ever so real.

Paulie’s Pro tip: Trust in the zipper method. It’s foolproof! This involves going to the end of the merging lane and continuing the flow of traffic. Look at this video demonstrating the zipper method and why early mergers are the ROOT OF ALL EVIL!



See how much better this world can be?

3. ‘Aint Lettin’ Ya In Albert

This person is a friend of Margie-Merge-Too-Soon, an enemy of the zipper method, thus an enemy to us all! Albert would rather put both his and your car at risk than to allow you to gain that one car length of space.

There are rare instances where a jerk comes along that shouldn’t be merging. Do we let him in? Is your act of defiance really going to stop that guy from being a jerk?

Paulie’s Pro Tip: We can’t afford to win every battle on the road. Sometimes, it’s just better to let them in and let everyone get home safe.

4. Peter Park-Wherever

Hmmm… that busy street you’re parked in front of says no parking from 7am to 9am. That doesn’t apply to you though… right? Nooo… of course not. Just throw on your four-ways and chillax. The world is your personal parking lot.

Peter’s actions have now caused hundreds of people are forced to make slow down and make an uncomfortable lane change during rush hour. Thanks Pete!



Paulie’s Punishment: Eat a turd sandwich, made with extra turd.

5. Not Gonna Make it Nelson

You thought you could make it across the intersection – but you couldn’t. Now you’re stopped in the intersection… looking stupid… getting the evil eye from every passerby…

Nelson. You deserve all the hate being cast in your direction.



Paulie’s Pro tip: If the road ahead of you isn’t clear, ask yourself “am I a turd?” If the answer is no, good on ya. Stay parked and wait unti it’s okay for you to cross the intersection.



6. Slow-Speed Sally

Sally. Is your car actually able to reach the speed limit? Please keep your 95 km/hr car in the right lane and try to pick up the place.

Also, just know everyone passing you isn’t the devil… they’re just desperately trying to get around your slow ass.

Paulie’s Pro tip: Public transit is a great and efficient way to get to work.



Unnecessary Slow Driving – 2 Demerit Points

7. Tailgate Tommy

We get it. You need to get to your boring life faster.

Tommy loves driving right on the bumper of Slow-Speed Sally. You can see him flashing his lights, honking his horn, and causing Sally a whole world of stress.

When Tommy gets close enough and Ol’ Sally hits the brakes – we got ourselves a fender bender people.

As you know, there are many bad drivers out there, but we can’t fight stupid with stupid. If Sally isn’t not letting you pass (as she legally should), try to move around her safely.



Paulie’s Pro Tip: If you’re riding on someones ass, you are an ass yourself. Pick up 4 Demerit Points while you’re at it.

8. Lights Off Larry

It’s night time, it’s dark out, and no one can see you Larry. Either your headlights don’t work, or the ones brain don’t.

Paulie’s Pro Tip: Let the following be your motto:

9. Sammy Smartphone

A smartphone is only as smart as the one who wields it. When you use your phone to text or play Candy Crush on the road, that phone is anything but smart.

Sammy prefers to keep us waiting an extra 10 seconds at a green light because she just has to text her boyfriend Tanner how cute he looks in that sweater. Time is of the essence here! Tanner needs to know that sweater is #adorbz!!!



Paulie’s Pro tip: Sammy, haven’t those frightening distracted driving commercials done anything to you?!?!

10. Snow-Covered Stewart

Stewie… Stew… Stew-pid… can I call you Stew-pid? Have you checked your rear view mirror lately, or is your back window completely covered too?

We’re all driving behind you, getting a while lot of white Christmas from your roof.

Paulie’s Punishment – One man was slapped with a $237.50 fine for “Driving with an unsecured load” when he had 7-10 centimetres of snow on his van. The police should have taken 15 points from Hufflepuff for good measure.

11. High-Beam Harry

Are you hard of seeing in the dark Harry? While that’s a shame, you can frig off with your hi-beams.

While it’s great you have your lights on unlike Lights-Off-Larry, you’re blinding everyone in front of you and everyone in the opposite lane.

Paulie’s Punishment: 50 points from Hufflepuff, in addition to 2 Demerit Points.

12. Two Lane Tayna

PICK A LANE TAYNA!

PICK A GOD DAMN LANE!

13. Litterbug Lester



Hey Lester! That’s not where your bag of Wendy’s goes! Lester is trying to ditch that “evidence” before he gets home to his wife.

Either way, it doesn’t belong on the roads or flying towards my windshield. You a pig Lester. A no good pig.

Paulie’s Punishment: You thought smoking was an expensive habit before? Tossing your cigarette butts can come with a $110 fine in Ontario. Talk about Cigar-REGRET! Also, 10 points from Hufflepuff.

14. Photo-Finish Phil

Just now you discover you have to get off at the exit?!?

Philly boy! You’re crazy! You’re in the far left lane and you’re trying to come all the way over now? This must be a really important exit for you!



Paulie’s Pro Tip: Take the next exit… It’s okay… you’ll be fine.



15. Lane Change Lenny

Hey Lenny! The centre lane looks like it’s moving a bit faster!

Lenny… you changed lanes ahead of me 10 minutes ago… then 5 minutes after that… then 3 minutes later…



Every time you change a lane, people slow down a little to let you in… slowing down evvverybody. The furthest you are going to get is about 10 car lengths ahead. Whew… at least you shaved 15 seconds off your commute. Though you added minutes to everyone else.

Paulie’s Pro Tip: Pick a lane, relax, you’ll get back to your boring life in time.



16. Blindspot Billy

Whatcha doin’ back there Billy? You up to no good?

You know I’ve been trying to signal over to your lane for a while now. I can’t quite get over there because you’ve been driving in my blind spot for the past 20 minutes!

Paulie’s Pro Tip: Give me some room Billy!

17. Brenda Brakes-Too-Much

There’s a whole stretch of highway in front of you Brenda! Why are you braking? Why? WHY? WHYYY ARE YOU USING YOUR BRAKES?!?! Is there a ghost car stopping ahead of you stopping every two seconds?? WHY?!?!?

Paulie’s Big Question: How often are replacing your brake pads?

18. Can’t Park Candace

You finally reach your destination, but some ding-dong is taking up two parking spaces. So close, yet so far.

The difference between Two-Lane Tayna and Can’t Park Candace are minimal. Candace crimes come to light when her car is at a halt.

Her giant SUV takes up two parking spots giving you the option of either making a tight squeeze or circling around the city streets or crowded mall parking lot searching for that coveted spot.

Paulie’s Punishment: 20 years in prison. No visits.

19. Terrible Timmy Two-Lane Turner

Ladies and gentleman! He’s got his signal on… all signs point to a right-hand turn here folks! Terrible Timmy makes his move. The turn is excellent! He’s on pace for an excellent turn!

Wait… he’s veering left… he’s moving into the far left lane! But his signal is still indicating he’s going to the right! No! Please… no… Ladies and gentleman… what we just witnessed was an illegal two-lane turn! You lied to us Tommy! You lied to us all!

Paulie’s Punishment: Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. 15 additional points will be taken from Hufflepuff.

20. Gold Digger Geoffrey

Who spells their name, Geoffrey? It’s Jeffrey. With a J. While you’re giving your nose a pick, why don’t you pick a better name?

Paulie’s Pro Tip: This is less of an attack on nose pickers and more of call out to everyone named Geoffrey. Don’t name your kids Geoffrey.

THANKS FOR READING!

Share this article if you’re sick of these poopy drivers, poopin’ all over the roads. Or share some stories about other poopy drivers who ruined your drive today!