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In the NRA's version of "Hansel and Gretel," the siblings are re-imagined as adept hunters.

(NRA)

In this age of reboots and re-imaginings, the National Rifle Association has one of its own. It's the age-old tale of "Hansel and Gretel." But with guns.

In the NRA's version of the fairy tale, aptly titled "Hansel and Gretel Have Guns," the titular children are impoverished siblings in a family of four, just like in the original tale. Supplies are scant.

But instead of an evil stepmother ordering their father to dump the brother and sister pair in the woods, they leave of their own volition to go hunting. When they bag a 10-point buck, as the NRA author describes it, the siblings head home following the pebbles that Hansel left along the way.

That's when they hear voices coming from a -- you guessed it -- gingerbread house. Inside, they meet two brothers who have been captured by an evil witch. She's planning on eating them. So, of course, Hansel breaks the boys out of the cage as Gretel stands watch over the sleeping witch, pistol at the ready should the evil woman wake up.

Everyone escapes, the kids alert their parents and the townspeople take up arms against the witch, lock her in the cage and ship her off to be imprisoned forever.

The best thing about the story is that, save for the hunting, the guns are completely inconsequential. The kids aren't in any real danger when the witch is asleep, and a mob armed with mops and rakes would likely have been just as effective at locking up a lone witch as a small militia.

It also raises some serious questions about the premise of the story: If the kids were so well-trained, wouldn't their parents -- the teachers -- ostensibly be better equipped to travel into the woods and bag that 10-point buck? Did their father break his leg on an unrelated hunting expedition? Is that why he didn't go himself? So many plotholes.

This is the second in the NRA's fairy-tale re-imaginings. In the first, Little Red Robin Hood and her grandmother are both adept at using rifles. And they hold the Big Bad Wolf at gunpoint until he can be taken away by a huntsman.

Some stories that the NRA should consider:

- Little Bo Peep (Has a Gun): The eponymous shepherd, rather than wait around for her sheep to come home, takes up arms and searches the countryside for clues on their whereabouts. She unwittingly stumbles across a sheep smuggling ring and breaks it up by employing her smarts and a .38 snub.

- Jack and the Beanstalk (And the Gun): Jack climbs the mythical beanstalk, coming home with a new treasure after every trip. His holstered Colt .45 emboldens the boy should the giant catch him. In a twist, the third time Jack ascends the beanstalk, a 20-foot-tall police cruiser waits, ready to take him in for trespassing and burglary. Jack is tried as an adult and doesn't see his family for 50 years.

What other fairy tales should the NRA re-imagine?

--Eder Campuzano

503.221.4344

@edercampuzano

ecampuzano@oregonian.com