Hello my beautiful friends! I have to apologize for the delay. I’ve had a number of people ask me when the next post is going to be and unfortunately I got wiped out with a horrid cold for over a week where I basically spent my time in a dayquill/nightquill/mucinex coma. And I’ve been trying to catch up on a number of things with work and in life! Sadly this got pushed to the back burner.

NEWS!!

Before I say anything else, I want to take a moment and congratulate a very good friend of mine on winning Minnesota’s FIRST Pole Competition!! Abby Freundschuh, you were on fire and gave a spectacular, fun performance! Not only is she an amazing pole dancer and athlete, but she’s a truly wonderful person with a heart of gold. She’s been there for me since day one of my recovery and I’m just so very proud of her!

You can check out Abbey’s winning routine here, which I really suggest you do 🙂 And if you live in Minnesota or Wisconsin be sure to check out The Pole Barn Studio in Stillwater, MN where Abbey is a featured instructor. She teaches all levels from brand new beginners to advanced, and she’s fantastic at it! Congrats again darlin! Well deserved win indeed!

Another huge congrats goes out to my other great friend, Anna Alvarez as well for placing second with her amazing and bad ass trick filled routine! I won’t say too much about it because I don’t want to give away secrets, but it was wonderful. This gorgeous woman had a beautiful baby boy just 7 short months ago. She’s one of my inspirations because of her drive and determination and outlook on life.

You both did so great and I have to commend you on the relationship you two have as friends, and competitors. It’s incredibly admirable and mature. Congrats again to the two of you! I love you both!

UPDATES and PROGRESS and EXERCISES (aka THE BORING STUFF):

For the most part, I feel like my I’m back to my normal daily routine. With the exception of driving to and from work. It’s such a busy time period around the holidays for me, so now that Christmas, New Years, and my birthday are over I’ve finally gotten back to most of the things I was normally doing before I got hurt.

There have been a number of mini victories over the last two weeks which I feel very proud of! I drove a 4 hour drive without any pain or soreness! I can sit pretty much a whole workday without any fatigue. I have been able to up my little workouts a bit because I can tell I’m already getting stronger. I still have not experienced any pain, and I’m not as physically, or mentally tired!

Another is that I can FINALLY touch the floor again when I bend forward. I have to walk my hands down my legs slowly, and it’s only my finger tips that touch, but still, so much farther from where I was even a couple weeks ago.

Some of my favorite exercises to do are the Jane Fonda hip thrust bridges, as I like to call them, where you really activate your glutes and slowly raise your hips up off the ground while pulling your belly button into your spine. And for an added bonus to work on my thighs I hold a yoga block between my knees as I do the movement. I always feel this one the next day, but in a good way.

I also do a simple plank on my elbows and time how long I can hold it. On Saturday I was up to a minute and thirty seconds! Which was another little mini victory for me. I was really excited to hit that mark!

I have also found that in the pool I can do a very simple form of the breast stroke. I chose that movement because strokes like the front crawl and back crawl involve rotation and some twisting of the back, and I’m just not ready to go there yet. With this stroke you can keep your back basically flat while your arms and legs push you through the water, yet your abdominal muscles are engaged as well. It feels really great, and I didn’t experience any pain or soreness from the movements.

Stretching has been super important in recovery as well. I’ve never experienced my muscles so tight in my life, especially my hamstrings, TFL, and IT band. So I do my best to stretch those as often as possible.

*I do all these exercises and stretches in my back brace for added safety and support. And I can’t legally recommend anything, if you feel like something I mentioned might work for you for your recovery or training please check with your doctor before attempting*

THOUGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND (THE DEEP STUFF):

It’s really reassuring when I get comments from readers and friends about how something I wrote and talked about was something they really needed to hear or how it inspired them in some way. It really helps make me feel less alone in this whole thing, and it makes me want to write more too.

The last two weeks I’ve really taken a close look at my life. I mentioned in my last post that I believe everything happens for a reason, but I wasn’t quite sure what the reason was yet for all of this…I feel like I’ve figured it out, or at least one massive portion of it.

I want to share something else that is pretty personal for me because I know for a fact I’m not alone in dealing with some of the feelings that I carry around some days. And I’d like to let others know that if they feel this way, they’re not alone either.

I don’t really show it to people who I’m not very close with, but I’m a very emotionally broken person. I’ve been through a couple of tough things before this break happened. The emotions I have run deep. I feel everything even if I don’t always express it. My feelings are genuine and sometimes very hard to deal with. I battle depression and I’ve been constantly fighting this evil mind game for years.

I struggled my whole entire life with feeling loved, worthwhile, and my own confidence and esteem. Hell, I still struggle with it to a point. I honestly felt like no one really cared about me. That people just hung out with me because they felt bad, that the complements I received were backhanded, or just given to make me feel better out of pure pity. It’s very hard for me to believe people when they tell me how much they care. And I don’t do this out of pity, it’s honestly how my mind has processed things for a very long time.

It kind of got to a point where I had so many things going on in my head that I sought out some professional help. I’m not ashamed to say that I see a therapist. I actually believe everyone should! It was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made, because she’s helped me work through a number of the issues from my past. And as we continue to work together I can see that there is a difference in the way that I think about things now.

If this break had happened even 6 plus months ago, I don’t know if I would be in the same mind set that I’m in today. I suspect I would have given up. I would have just said FUCK THE WORLD, and walked away from pole, and fitness all together. I fear I would have crawled into my dark little rabbit hole and lived there forever.

Something my therapist has helped me to do is to challenge myself, or my brain rather. The way I look at it is that the brain is like a muscle that just needs to be trained on certain things. The challenge is to figure out how to find the good, to not go to the dark and twisty place, and especially to not beat yourself up. I feel this is the most important thing you can do whether you’re going through a recovery, or just a hard time in your life. Challenge yourself to see the positive, and be kind to yourself. Being a bitch to your own self only makes things more negative and more depressing. If you do that, please try to turn it around. I’ll even help you if you need it because it’s not easy, but it is possible to do.

I challenged myself to see the upside of all of this. And the conclusion I have come to is that I think I needed this to happen. As horrible as this might sound, my eyes have been opened and I actually see what I didn’t before. I NEEDED to know just how much the people around me truly care about me. I have had so many people go out of their way to make me feel better, or to help me. I was honestly shocked. And it hit me really, really hard. Its even hard to type this out right now cause my computer screen looks a bit blurry. I’m brought to tears when I think about it because I feel so incredibly blessed. For the first time in my life I really feel it. I feel the love. And its amazing. And breathtaking. And stunningly beautiful. It is an amazing feeling. It makes me want to be there for others who need someone. It makes me want to be a better person so more people feel the way I feel right now.

Everything happens for a reason…and from this I have made stronger relationships with my close friends and my pole sisters. I have had old friends, whom I have missed dearly, reenter my life because of this accident. And I have met new and wonderful people from this as well who have offered nothing but support, encouragement, and advice.

I have no choice but to look at this as a gift. Call it the universe, God, Allah, a higher power, whatever you believe, I believe in it. I believe my dad is ALWAYS watching over me, and I believe he was with me the day I fell. I can’t be mad at the universe for what has happened. Because this has given me so much more than its taken away.

I believe the universe will never give a you more than you can handle, and that He gives you what you need. Not what you want. If you can challenge your mind to look at the bright side of the negative things that happen, then you will win. This was a gift. A second chance. And I refuse to squander it. 🙂 ❤

-In my life’s chain of events, nothing was accidental. Everything happened according to an inner need. -Hannah Sensesh