FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CLASSIC ROCK'S GREATEST LIVING ICONS TO PERFORM TOGETHER TO BENEFIT OLD PEOPLE FACING THEIR OWN MORTALITY.

This fall, Goldenvoice presents the Final Chapter Music Festival, featuring the ultimate lineup of acts for Boomers like you who are facing the ever-looming black void of death. Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, the Who, and Roger Waters—each one a legend you always said you should see at least once in your life, and now you can see all of them. Before you die. Because that could literally be at any time.

"Old people have a lot of money and are filled with nostalgia and regret," the festival’s organizer, Hannah Lovejoy, explained. "This is going to seem like a thing they should probably go to, so that they can cross seeing all these bands off their bucket lists before it's too late."

You can sing along with Roger Daltrey to that line in "My Generation"—“Hope I die before I get old"—because you didn't, and neither did he! Bob Dylan wished you would stay "Forever Young," but now your knee hurts when you climb stairs, and he looks like a puppet from "The Dark Crystal"! Keith Richards is still alive!

Held at the site of that Coachella Music Festival, but in October, when it's not so hot and dusty and you can wear a light jacket all day and be fine, the Final Chapter Music Festival will let you experience three nights of rock-and-roll royalty under the stars, which will just be coming out when the show wraps up every evening around 7 P.M., so you can grab a bite after.

It's sure to be sitting-room-only as men you always thought you'd outlive perform the soundtrack of your youth, which you squandered and which is now gone forever. Rock as gently as you need to, as anthems of nonconformity and rebellion performed by wealthy senior citizens fill the valley at a sensible volume, and the sun sets over the mountains and over your life.

Enjoy gourmet food that's not too spicy and domestic beers you're familiar with at our festival pavilion, which is also jam-packed with activity booths where you can check your blood pressure, pick up pamphlets about that weird thing where you get buried in a burlap sack and turn into a tree, or wistfully peruse the world's largest collection of old yearbooks. Find a picture of a former flame who died before you could reconnect on Facebook—while also getting a free henna tattoo!

Don't forget to visit the merch table, where you can stock up on shirts someone your age has no business wearing, but where people at least respect the concept of an orderly line.

And remember, nobody has to know when or where you saw these legendary performers. As far as they can tell, it was when you were a teen-ager in Greenwich Village, or Leeds, or Altamont. You're a teen-ager at heart, aren't you? Isn't your body changing in scary ways? Don't you cry for no reason when you're alone, sometimes so hard it frightens you? You need to come to this festival. Maybe you can't articulate why—you know it's going to kind of suck, musically—but the moment you heard about the lineup you felt that you just had to make this grim pilgrimage to say goodbye to your past and come to terms with your limited future.

Tickets start at $3,000 (because you can't take it with you).