Gentlemen, this is a guide to what you should and shouldn’t do when in a sexual encounter with a SW, trust me this will facilitate a very smooth and enjoyable event for everyone involved.

1. Do not in mid stride, just as you are about to climax, stop! No, no, bloody hell no. Nor distract yourself with mindlessly twiddling my nipple, or pointlessly flicking my clit. I am not going to spontaneously erupt in orgasm, and all you are doing is delaying the whole point of the exercise. Get to the point! Why do I and every other SW find this annoying? Because your dick is going to loose focus and flop over dead! Yup I said it. You cock is going to give up the fucking ghost and lose interest. Which means because you paid for an hour, I am then obliged to attempt to raise the fucking dead! So, I am stuck trying to suck life into a cold limp member who rarely gets out to play, and has a short attention span. I too have a short attention span, so prompt attention to task at hand is appreciated. Now I have no objection to a second attempt, so coming quickly the first time doesn’t mean the fun is over. It means you get the tension out the way, we can have a good chat, a nice massage and a second round. But trying to hold off to ‘make it last’ has the exact opposite effect.

Notes to remember: your dick is ready for action, get to the sticking point and don’t fuck about with delaying tactics.

2. Stop trying to imitate porn movie moves! You are not a damn acrobat, nor is your cock that big. In, out, in, out, works best for older gents with small dicks. Stick to what your know don’t get all inspired and decide to do tricks, you will end up hurting yourself and pissing me off. Seriously this whirling, swivel hip movement, doesn’t work. Visually it looks cool in a porn film, when a buffed, toned, well hung, YOUNG man does it. You on the other hand end up looking like a middle aged fool about to have an elliptic fit. Stop it!

3. Stick to the language you know. Do not decide due to suffering from a midlife criss to ‘change things up’ and start using misplaced slang. You are not Kanye West or Puff Daddy. Plus telling any woman, you want to lay your pipe in her phatty, will likely result in your getting slapped, hard! And you would deserve it for being such an idiot.

4. Do feel free to stop and take a breather at any point during the activities, it isn’t a marathon, and you aren’t running a race, no need to try to shag yourself into a cardiac arrest, beating your poor dick into submission. Hanging on to my hips and trying to shove your limp, lifeless cock into my pussy, is going to accomplish what? Annoying me!

5. It is time you realise that the technique you have perfected for making every woman come, doesn’t really work. I don’t think it ever worked. I hate to break it to you, but most of those screaming orgasms, were probably faked; to prevent you from further lacerating their delicate girly bits with your abysmal technique. If you want to make a woman come, don’t talk , don’t lecture, don’t assume, FUCKING LISTEN!

6. Know thyself! And stop deluding yourself into thinking the SW you are with is actually that into you. Seriously dude, I get paid well, but I don’t get paid that well to sit and listen to your mindless drivel about your imaginary PAID conquests. Seriously! Blathering on about how you made this and that SW come, is pure comic gold.

7. I am not your therapist, marriage consular, financial adviser, or spiritual guide. Sweet Jesus! The amount of shit I get dumped on me after a few sessions. Shagging me for money, doesn’t make me your confidant! Come in, get your service, enjoy our time together and leave. I am not going to regale you with stories of my issues, spare me yours.

8. DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT, have a drink before coming to visit me! If you are nervous, run around the block! Drinking is a depressant and will only make it MORE difficult for me to do my job, and it will dampen your enjoyment of said encounter. The preferable way to handle this, is to tell me you are nervous, and let me give a soothing massage to relax you naturally.

9. DO NOT, leave snail trails of your spittle on my body! Arrrggg, this is so revolting! It isn’t sexy, it isn’t a turn on, and I find it grossly off putting! Especially when you have had your tongue wedged up my ass! God, I want to run screaming from the room in horror! Jesus Christ, don’t they teach kids anything about hygiene in school, or at home!?

10. DO NOT, spit on my bits either! For reaction to this see 9.

11. DO NOT, shove your digits up my bits and jab about like you are trying to unblock a sink, or work loose a coin. It isn’t sexy, it is annoying, and in case you forgot, that is what your dick is for.

12. Please do not take more than the prescribed amount of Viagra! I really don’t want to have to explain to the authorities why there is a corpse with a priapism in my boudoir.