02/10/2008

Well, Sarah* and I have officially broken up. Wow, this is going to be tough. I continued to be way depressed on Thursday and Friday, way doubtful, and decided (once again), that I HAD to break it off with Sarah because I could not go on feeling this and I couldn’t just repress my questions or find satisfying answers so I had to just end the relationship. We went to the photographer on Friday, then went back to her parent’s house and did some stuff. I finally got myself to tell her I’m still doubting, or actually, that the doubts had come back and I wasn’t through this. She was really confused, angry, sad, and everything else. We talked more and she gave me the ring back and went upstairs crying. She talked to her parents, Nate (on phone), we texted a bit and she came back down and we talked for a long, long time. We decided I’d try some depression medication — because, like I wrote earlier, I’m POSITIVE I’ve been depressed a lot. I told her, though, that what I wondered is whether that depression CAUSED or AMPLIFIED my doubts, or whether my doubts caused the depression. We both hoped it was the former and that being more emotionally stable would help me be more stable in my testimony as well. Then Saturday was great. We got depression meds – but they don’t kick in for 3 or 4 weeks sometimes** — we had a really fun day together, and went to a Valentine’s party at night. I love and respect her so much. She is truly one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.

Also, I went and talked to Nate. He’s a great brother. He also talked with me and sought for some of my strength with an issue he’s struggling with — that was nice. I gave him a blessing this morning.

So — today, after I gave Nate the blessing, Sarah and I drove down and went to her ward. Sunday School and Sacrament meeting were both on temples —- and I realized I COULD NOT … it WOULD NOT be possible for me to believe that again. So — I set myself firm in my mind, and when we got in her car after church I told her I couldn’t do it, and explained a little bit of why. Wow, that was tough. It was so hard to see her SO DEVASTATED. She was so frustrated, mad, sad, and everything again. She stated “I’m losing you right now and there’s nothing I can do about it!” It was extremely tough, I drove her back to her apartment, she gave me the ring back, we cried a little more and she left.

I am SO SORRY that I did that to her.

This is going to be really hard on both of us, but it’ll probably be even harder on her — because she doesn’t understand why I’ve oscillated SO MUCH and given her so much hope, and in a lot of ways I’ve already suffered through a lot of it because I’ve thought about it so much before.

I called Nate — he’s very understanding and supportive. He made me promise, though, that I’d never give up the search for truth — that if I didn’t find anything through all my efforts that I’d retrace my steps and try this church again.

I called Mom – WOW, there is not a more amazing woman on this planet. She just listened, trusted me, said she knows I’m a truthseeker, that if we believed in Joseph Smith’s story we had to give other people the freedom as well to follow God as they felt he was guiding them, and she understood I HAVE to be honest with myself.*** She did warn me, however, that if I begin to live unworthily she’ll begin to question whether I was being inspired of God or of Satan. She asked to write down WHY for the purpose of UNDERSTANDING — not so I could convince her or she could try to convince me. I agreed. I owe it to her and Nate and Sarah and others. I’m not sure what I’m going to write though — I don’t want to appear bitter or hardened … but I don’t want to appear foolish or deceived or weak either. Maybe the 2nd part is because of pride.

I think I did the right thing, no matter how hard it was and will be.

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*Different name . . . I’m hoping that will keep her from killing me when she finds this, lol.

**I never took the depression meds, because I believed my doubts were causing the depression, not the other way around. I was right.

***I didn’t mention the feeling I had when I finally made that tough decision. Simply put, a huge burden was lifted off of me. I felt free, no longer having to put new information through the strain of LDS doctrine to see if I could believe it or not. I could look at politics, evolution, homosexuality, everything in a new light. I was also afraid, because I didn’t want to be deceived.