Holi, for those who don’t know, is a mass eve-teasing event and organised water wastage activity that has been given the name of a ‘festival’ in the patriarchal Brahminical society of India.

Hindus claim that this sorry festival is celebrated to welcome Spring in the country, which is ridiculous. Spring comes around September in Australia, so do those five Hindus in Sydney – who are making white men radical – celebrate Holi in September? Truth is that this is just an excuse to indulge in this debauchery masquerading as a festival.

While true origins of the festival remain unknown, historians agree that this festival started at some point during Akbar’s rule in India. While ruling India, Akbar introduced Indians to education, to cooking, to architecture, but also unfortunately to Holi.

Akbar felt that India wasn’t vibrant enough, it didn’t have any colour, everything felt bland, so he introduced the festival of colours, Holi, to add some vibrancy to a dull society.

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While Akbar’s intentions were good, he naively expected everyone to celebrate it like he did, by using colour filters on Instagram. Patriarchal Brahminical Indians didn’t care about the benevolent king’s intentions and soon started celebrating Holi with water, resulting in regular droughts throughout Indian history.

The inventor of pichkari is the father of modern terrorism. His pichkari design inspired the designs of assault rifles in coming years, which are now used by terrorists all over the world. The inventor of water balloons similarly inspired hand grenades.

Kids firing water from pichkaris and hurling water-filled balloons are one step away from shooting bullets and hurling grenades, remember that. If we are serious about fighting terrorism, we must ban Holi first.

Going back to history, water alone couldn’t satiate the thirst of these patriarchal men on the day of Holi. They started the tradition of eve teasing on this day as well. Soon, Holi became an excuse to harass females.

We saw last year how they filled semen in balloons and then launched them at girls. Scientists couldn’t believe it is biologically possible to fill semen in balloons but they don’t know these patriarchal men, we do!

We wanted to write more details about this festival but we are getting late for our rain dance party at one of our farmhouses in Chhatarpur so got to go, ciao!

P.S.- Remember, dry Holi, no colours, no water, no sweets, enjoy yourself. Happy Holi!