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Brothers and sisters, I invite the Holy Spirit to be with us today as I talk about perfection.

I’ve entitled my talk “Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist.”

In Matthew 5:48 we read, “Be ye therefore perfect.” [1] We’ve all heard that commandment, but how well do we understand what’s required of us?

Here’s a definition of perfectionism: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. [2]

In its extreme form, perfectionism is an OCD, an obsessive-compulsive disorder (but I prefer to call it a CDO, because then the letters are in alphabetical order).

As I was growing up, I perceived that I needed to be perfect to make it to heaven. So my whole life I worked at it. I felt that in order to be worthy, I needed to keep all the rules and commandments. My self-worth was tied to my accomplishments and achievements. If I got good grades, won the spelling bee, placed in the science fair, scored a goal, earned a bunch of merit badges, dove off the high-dive, made it into my high school choir, etc.—then I was able to feel good about myself. I was very judgmental of myself.

I also was overly concerned of what others thought about me and how I appeared to them, so I became really good at putting on a false front. I had to look like I had it all together, even though at times I was barely surviving because of the stress of maintaining that facade and keeping up with all of the expectations.

Of course, it’s impossible to be perfect in this life; countless prophets have told us that. But that didn’t stop me from trying. I had to-do lists, routines, and schedules. I figured that if I could just be extremely organized, then I could manage to get closer to perfection.

I thought that if I were ever going to make it to heaven, I’d have to earn my way there. The scriptures teach that we are all sinners and that no unclean thing can enter into the kingdom of heaven. So whenever I did something “bad,” it took a heavy toll on my self-worth, and I began to doubt that I could actually make it to heaven.

I learned about repentance and that it was possible because of the Savior’s Atonement, but it seemed to have a negative connotation. If I had to keep sinning and repenting, sinning and repenting my whole life, I’d never be able to check it off my list as something I had completed or accomplished, as if it were possible to someday be “done repenting” in this life.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who has struggled with perfectionism. As I researched the issue, I found numerous studies that show that a high number of Latter-day Saints and people from other religious backgrounds have a similar mentality. One recent study of highly active members in Utah concluded that 77% have perfectionistic tendencies. [3]

Maybe you’ve experienced some of these feelings.

One challenge with perfectionism is that those who experience it often can’t see it in themselves. To them, this is normal. I’ve lived this way for nearly my entire life, and I’m here to let those who suffer similarly know that we are not alone.

On your cell phone or other device, go to this URL: bit.ly/perfection18

Perfectionism isn’t the same as just doing our best, as you can see from this chart. I’ll give you just a moment to look through it.

Based on this description of perfectionism, raise your hand if you or someone you know has perfectionistic tendencies.

So it looks like many of us have seen this.

I should point out that the vast majority of people with perfectionism don’t and never will have OCD. You will not automatically become obsessive-compulsive if you don’t fix your perfectionism right away.

On the devotional discussion board, I asked: What have you learned that has helped you to overcome the challenge of unrealistic expectations? How have you been able to feel worthy of God’s love, even when you make mistakes?

Makenzie Jacobsen wrote, “In my senior year of high school, I set expectations for myself to break the school record in cross country (5K) and place very high in the state competition at the end of the season. When those expectations were not met and I did not even come close, I was crushed. The most important lesson I learned from this disappointment was to be humble. If I would have accomplished that expectation, I would not be at BYU-Idaho. God has a plan for each of us and sometimes we have to be humbled so that we will follow His plan.”

And Ethan Stencil wrote, “Heavenly Father knew we would make mistakes; that’s why Jesus Christ atoned for all of us. His concern is not that we will make mistakes but that we will not learn from them. I understood this principle especially over the summer while working a job that was very different than my previous ones. My boss was never mad when I did something wrong; he wanted me to know what I did wrong so I wouldn’t do it again. I was never under pressure to work perfectly, and I never felt bad when I messed up; I just knew there was something else I needed to learn.”

In his devotional talk last week, Randy Parkinson taught:

Will we make mistakes in our quest for eternal life? Yes, we will. . . . It is critical that we are patient with ourselves and others as we learn and grow. [4]

Later in this talk, we’ll look at some more ways to help us deal effectively with perfectionistic inclinations. But now let’s look at how these tendencies impact our relationships with God.

It’s hard to go through life feeling like I’m a disappointment to God. So along with feeling like I could never be good enough, I also had a distorted idea of God, which hindered my ability to feel His love.

I remember a time in Primary when my teacher was teaching about keeping the commandments, and how all of our actions were watched by God and angels, and were recorded in the book of life. At the end of our lives, when we were judged, all of our good and bad deeds were calculated. I was told if we had more bad marks than good, we’d receive a lesser kingdom.

So I got the idea that God was always scrutinizing my every move and just waiting for me to do the next thing wrong so he could mark it down. Somehow, I missed the concept that He is a loving Father in Heaven who wants the best for me.

Even though I sang “I feel my Savior’s love” and “yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me,” I didn’t truly understand what those words meant.

I had a hard time feeling that I was worthy, unless I was working really hard at it. I didn't feel that God or others could really love me if I made mistakes. I felt that I was flawed, defective, and broken as a human being most of the time.

There were times when I felt better, like on my mission, or when I was a bishop. But much of my life, I have struggled to feel the Lord’s love.

Since those younger days, I’ve been getting a better handle on my perfectionism. If I could go back and talk with my younger self, here’s what I’d tell him: You have inherent worth as God’s son. He does want you to progress and become more like Him, but His love isn’t based on your obedience or your accomplishments. His love is infinite in every way. There’s nothing you could do to make Him stop loving you.

I had previously felt that my self-worth gauge went up and down like a little meter. If I made a mistake, the marker on the meter went down. Then I had to do something good to make the marker go up, like volunteer for a service project or read an extra chapter in the scriptures or do some family history or be a better friend or clean the house or something to make up for it. Now I know that my worth to God doesn’t fluctuate.

I also realize that the Savior’s Atonement covers not only my sins but also my inadequacies, my disappointments, my weaknesses, my infirmities, my carelessness, my lack of certain talents, and that it compensates for all of the trials, the unfairness, and bitterness of mortal life.

In sharing these ideas, I hope I don’t give the impression that I’ve figured it all out. I’m still growing and progressing.

When I say I’m a “recovering” perfectionist, I mean that I’ve found some ways to help me deal effectively with the tendencies I have. Being the perfectionist that I am, I’ve actually compiled a long list. (At least I didn’t alphabetize them.)

I’d like to share just five of these with you:

scriptures, teachings of Church leaders, sacred symbols, resource books, and recognizing the hand of God.

First, scriptures.

As recorded in Mosiah, chapter 4, after King Benjamin tells us all the things we must do to walk guiltless before God, he says:

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. [5]

So, yes, we should be diligent, but He doesn’t require us to perform more than is physically—or emotionally—possible.

In the dedicatory prayer for the Kirtland Temple, the Prophet Joseph asked:

Help thy servants to say, with thy grace assisting them: Thy will be done, O Lord, and not ours. [6]

In other words, when we have a large responsibility, we can ask for the Lord’s grace to assist us in accomplishing it. We do not need to do it completely all on our own.

Speaking of the best gifts of the Spirit, the Lord says that “they are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandments, and him that seeketh so to do.” [7] Since none of us keep all his commandments, none of us would receive the best gifts. But if we are seeking to keep them, then we may receive the gifts of the Spirit.

Second, teachings of Church leaders.

Again, I have a long list, but I’ll just share three of my favorites today.

This one is by President Joseph Fielding Smith, the ninth president of the Church:

Salvation does not come all at once; we are commanded to be perfect even as our Father in heaven is perfect. It will take us ages to accomplish this end, for there will be greater progress beyond the grave, and it will be there that the faithful will overcome all things, and receive all things, even the fulness of the Father’s glory. . . . That will not come all at once, but line upon line, and precept upon precept, example upon example, and even then not as long as we live in this mortal life, for we will have to go even beyond the grave before we reach that perfection and shall be like God. But here we lay the foundation. [8]

President Lorenzo Snow taught it this way:

Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today. [9]

And here’s one by President Russell M. Nelson:

We all need to remember: men are that they might have joy—not guilt trips! [10]

Conference talks I recommend are:

“Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually,” by Jeffrey R. Holland [11] ;

; “Am I Good Enough? Will I Make It?,” by J. Devn Cornish [12] ;

; “You Matter to Him,” by Dieter F. Uchtdorf [13] ;

; “Value Beyond Measure,” by Joy D. Jones [14] ; and most recently,

; and most recently, “The Father,” by Brian K. Ashton. [15]

Third, sacred symbols.

We can make our environment more uplifting by using positive images. The world may give us ideas of what the Lord is like based on interpretations of the scriptures or traditions. And while there definitely are times when He has been sad or angry, I prefer to think of Him as cheerful and joyous. The picture on the left is framed and displayed right above my desk in my office. The one on the right I use as the desktop image on my laptop computer. And here we have the prodigal son, which reminds me that God is always waiting for me to come to Him. And the one on the right depicts the Lord’s willingness to hold us in the arms of His love.

The prophet Lehi tells us that the love of God is “the most desirable above all things” and “the most joyous to the soul.” Since feeling God’s love is one of my highest priorities, and one of the things I’ve struggled the most with, I want to keep that goal always before me. So I had my son create a design showing me holding the fruit of the tree of life. Then I had that design put on a ring so I could have it with me. In the same way that a CTR ring reminds me to choose the right and my wedding ring reminds me of the relationship I have with my wife, this ring helps me to continually reflect on my prime goal of experiencing the love of God.

Fourth, resource books.

I’m going to recommend four books that have been significant to me in my efforts to overcome perfectionism:

Within Reach, by Robert Millet, former dean of religious education at BYU. Many Church members don’t feel that they personally are “celestial material” because perfection seems so far away. Brother Millet helps us see that we’re doing better than we think we are and that perfection really is within reach.

Odds Are, You’re Going to Be Exalted, by Alonzo Gaskill. Similarly, this book emphasizes that the Lord’s work is to exalt as many of His children as He can—and He definitely knows how to do His work. Of course, this doesn’t excuse us from following the commandments, and this book doesn’t take the “eat, drink, and be merry” approach, but it does provide comfort for when we are unsure, and evidence that heaven is attainable.

Weakness Is Not Sin, by Wendy Ulrich. Sister Ulrich helps us to see that limitations and inadequacies are not sins and do not keep us from being clean and worthy of the Spirit. As I’ve understood more about this concept, Ether 12:27 makes more sense. The Lord gives us weakness not so that we can repent but so that we can be humble. Weakness brings us to Him. Then He doesn’t remove our weak things; He makes them strong. If you can’t read the whole book, see her condensed version in the April 2015 Ensign: “It Isn’t a Sin to Be Weak.”

The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown. With a title like that, it took me a while to even begin reading the book. She outlines three gifts we are able to receive when we allow ourselves to be human, which she calls the three C’s: courage, connection, and compassion. This is a landmark book for anyone caught in the throes of perfectionism. If you don’t have time to read it, at least listen to her TED Talk where she explains how shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

And fifth, recognizing the hand of God.

One of the best ways I’ve found to receive the love of God is to look for evidences of His hand in my life. If I look for evidence of pain and suffering in the world, I will surely find them. But identifying God’s tender mercies, specifically the ones just for me, shows me how much He truly does care about me and how much I mean to Him.

President Henry B. Eyring taught:

[I] urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. . . . It is the Holy Ghost who helps us see what God has done for us. . . . Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life? . . . I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. [16]

Last, I’d like to invite you to participate in a little exercise with me. The exercise is a mindful reflection, a meditation, or a visualization. I’m grateful to its original creator, Dr. Gary Weaver.

If you’re willing, take a deep breath and close your eyes. Get comfortable and just relax for a moment with your eyes closed.

Now I’d like you to imagine you’re seated at a table. Now, invite to this table a group of people who have your best interests at heart. This may include people living or deceased, people you know personally or have never met. They should be people you trust. The one thing they have in common is that you feel they truly have your best interests at heart.

Take a moment and gather these people to the table with you.

And as you look around at this group of people that that you’ve gathered, ask them this question: “Do you love me?” And receive their response.

And if God is not already a part of this group, would you consider inviting God to join the group of people who have your best interests at heart? And then ask God this question: “Do you love me?” And receive His response.

Then as you look around this group, ask them this question: “Can I trust you?” And receive their response.

And finally, with everyone right there assembled all together, ask them this question: “What right now is important for me to know? What counsel do you have for me—about myself and my path?”

A thought may come to you at this moment. Or not. And if not, that’s okay too.

And then when you’re ready, I’d like you to come back to this place and open your eyes. Through this little exercise, I hope you felt the love God and others have for you, and that He has put people in your life to strengthen you and support you. If you received any counsel from this group, I hope you’ll write about it in your journal. Later tonight, ask the Lord to confirm if you got it right, and if there’s anything more.

In closing, I bear testimony that there are many who have your best interests at heart—on both sides of the veil. When we are willing to receive their love, they do come. Furthermore, God is chief among them, and He can be trusted. The love of God is most desirable and joyous to the soul.

I’m convinced that we can do all things through Christ, which strengthens us—throughout our lives, and not just “after all we can do” [17]—and that His Holy Spirit prompts us and guides us along the way.

I testify that we can be perfected in and through Jesus Christ as we come unto Him. His enabling power helps us to be more than we could in and of our own strength. Exaltation is within reach. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

[1] Matthew 5:48.

[2]Merriam-Webster, “perfectionism”; merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perfectionism.

[3] M. Sue Bergin, “The Imperfectly Happy Family,” BYU Magazine, Summer 2015; magazine.byu.edu/article/the-imperfectly-happy-family/.

[4] Randy Parkinson, “Ordinances and Covenants: Gifts of Power, Peace, and Healing,” BYU-Idaho devotional, Oct. 16, 2018; byui.edu/devotionals.

[5] Mosiah 4:27; emphasis added.

[6] Doctrine and Covenants 109:44; emphasis added.

[7] Doctrine and Covenants 46:9; emphasis added.

[8]Doctrines of Salvation, Vol. 2, pages 18-19.

[9] “Chapter 6: Becoming Perfect before the Lord: ‘A Little Better Day by Day’,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow, 2011.

[10] Russell M. Nelson, “Perfection Pending,” Ensign, Nov. 1995.

[11] Jeffrey R. Holland, “Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually,” Ensign, Nov. 2017.

[12] J. Devn. Cornish, “Am I Good Enough? Will I Make It?,” Ensign, Nov. 2016.

[13] Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “You Matter to Him,” Ensign, Nov. 2011.

[14] Joy D. Jones, “Value beyond Measure,” Ensign, Nov. 2017.

[15] Brian K. Ashton, “The Father,” Ensign, Nov. 2018.

[16] Henry B. Eyring, “O Remember, Remember,” Ensign, Nov. 2007.

[17] 2 Nephi 25:23.