Don’t just censor the present; new rules can apply to the past as well

I think the entire country waking up to the unsuitability of Padmavati augurs well for us.

Everyone knows art is not safe in the hands of artists. That is why art has curators. Which is basically anyone who is not related to art in any way.

Now that we are cleaning up our present for a bright future, I don’t think there is any harm in cleaning up some of our past as well.

So, let’s ban with immediate effect:

Sholay

How has this movie been around for more than 40 years? Can anyone tell me how this gross oversight has been tolerated? ‘Sho’ sounds exactly like ‘show’, and it is followed by ‘lay’? Everyone knows what that word means. It is a horrible American word for a most private, intimate act that should be indulged in with the sanction of our elders, and filmed with our camera-phones for select viewing only. This movie promotes exhibitionism. Please take another look at it, authorities.

Chupke Chupke

Chupke Chupke means to do something in a clandestine fashion. And if people are encouraged to do things secretly, how will we ever catch them? Valentine’s Day will be celebrated quietly in bedrooms and hotel rooms. Parks, malls and multiplexes will be empty. Our activists will be out of work. Their stick-wielding muscles will atrophy. Their stone-throwing prowess will diminish. Please ban with immediate effect as this movie promotes concealment and illicit relationships.

Heropanti

This movie is the beginning of the end. First, heroes will wear panties. Next, there will be rampant same-sex marriage, followed by shortage of kalayana mandapams. Then the question of who is the bride and who the groom, in which case, which side should demand dowry? Change the title to the more gender-appropriate Herochaddi. Just to be on the safe side, subtitle Striped with Nada can be added.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

This is totally unacceptable. If dilwala can take away dulhan, so can istriwala, paperwala or doodhwala. There will be chaos. The title should be clearer. It should reflect the content of the film (which is most laudable, by the way) more accurately. It can be amended to Dilwale Same-to-Same-Culture Dulhania Ko Parivar Ke Aashirwad Ke Saath Le Jayenge or Dilwale Arranged Dulhania Ko Le Jayenge. Otherwise, ban with immediate effect.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham

This movie gives a completely wrong idea to foreigners. It implies that, in the joint-family system, one is happy sometimes, and sad at others. We all know the truth is that the joint-family system is one that promotes only delirious happiness every second of the day. Delirium, maybe, but sadness, NEVER! Sorry. Not acceptable.

Pyaasa

How dare they say Pyaasa? Who is Pyaasa? And why? If they mean ‘yearning’, that indirectly means ‘lust’. How dare they? There is no lust in our land, and there hasn’t been any for the last 5,000 years. Why start now? And if they mean ‘thirst’, what are they hinting at? That we have a water shortage because all the water is being siphoned off by multinational Cola companies? We all know that is not true. How will India grow if that is the message we are sending out? Banned.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar

This is a seriously anti-national movie. It is also historically inaccurate. Sikandar is another name for Alexander. We all know how badly he got thrashed when he came to India. What this movie is implying is that Alexander, a foreigner, is synonymous with victory. In any war, the victor has to be our countryman, a brother, not a foreigner. The title can be changed to Jo Haara Wohi Sikandar, LOL! or, alternatively, Jo Jeeta Wohi Porus.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist, humour writer and co-editor of the anthology Madras on My Mind: A City in Stories