25 Things You Must Know Before Moving to Miami

You Probably Won't Listen, But You Can't Say You Weren't Warned

Thinking of moving to Miami? That’s cute. I give you two years.

â€œBut wait!â€ you say. â€œI like sun! I like palm trees! Heck, I even like Cuban food and Salsa dancing and got a B+ in 12th grade Spanish! I KNOW Miami is the place for me!â€

Think again, oh freezing cold northerner. There are reasons the average American doesnâ€™t stay here more than a couple of years, and itâ€™s not because they hate 80 degree days in December.

If you came here for a week and thought Miami was your new home, hereâ€™s 25 realities you need to accept before you make our skyline your background on Facebook (even though you probably already have).

1. Jobs are scarce â€“ People are always trying to move here. Businesses â€“ at least ones that donâ€™t involve bottle service or sushi â€“ are not. You do the math.

2. You have to drive like a maniac to survive â€“ Everyone in Miami knows the slowest way to get from Point A to Point B is by following all the traffic laws.

3. Nothing runs on time â€“ This becomes infuriatingly clear the first time you arrive on time for dinner â€“ starving - and have to wait an hour and a half until everyone else shows up.

4. Itâ€™s frustratingly transient â€“ Living in Miami for an extended period of time is kinda like being the last guy alive at the retirement home.

5. You will be an outsider â€“ You wonâ€™t understand the water cooler banter. You wonâ€™t be able to make small talk with strangers. And you wonâ€™t get unfunny jokes that people laugh at anyway. Actually, this one might be a plus.

6. Everyone lives at home â€“ Getting the third degree from your dateâ€™s father didnâ€™t end when you graduated High School! People in Miami live at home until theyâ€™re, like, dead.

7. Salaries donâ€™t come close to cost of living â€“ Employers seem to think $30,000 a year is perfectly reasonable when a decent apartment costs a grand. They must figure everyone is living at home.

8. Offices are like zoos â€“ The only way your workplace’s loud music, noisy phone conversations, and Spanglish yelling across cubicles will seem normal is if your previous workplace was a dog kennel.

9. Everyone is short â€“ If youâ€™re male and over 6 feet tall, you will generally have every guy in the bar trying to fight you by 2 a.m. If youâ€™re a girl over 5â€™7â€, you will never wear heels on a date again.

10. People flake â€“ Whenever a Miamian makes plans with you, make backup plans. And when those original plans come through, flake on your backup. Itâ€™s a vicious cycle, I know.

11. We air condition the ever loving soul out of everything â€“ Jackets have two uses here: Movie theaters and that day in February.

12. FPL will ruin your weekend â€“ Air conditioning units use only slightly less energy than Abrams tanks. So when that first $250 power bill shows up on a Friday, itâ€™ll sting hard.

13. Never believe anyone who says â€œI can get you inâ€ at a big club â€“ Because he canâ€™t. And neither can â€œMy Boy.â€

14. Itâ€™s not diverse â€“ Miami is two-thirds Hispanic. A majority figure on par with those bastions of diversity Tulsa and Salt Lake City.

15. Everything involves drinking â€“ You know youâ€™ve lived here too long when you start pregaming ballet recitals.

16. Nobody moves fast â€“ If you enjoy listening to the lady at the front of the checkout line discuss her entire family with the cashier, this actually wonâ€™t bother you.

17. It Floods â€“ It rains here. A lot. I mean, so much theyâ€™re building a Goddam ark out in Hialeah.

18. You wonâ€™t go to the beach after your first year â€“ And every time you plan to, it will rain.

19. Clubs are for tourists â€“ You think anyone who pays these rents can afford a $12 Bud Light?

20. The Spanish thing is no joke â€“ How many 20,000 square foot stores can you name in your hometown with all their signs in Spanish? Because I can name infinity plus one.

21. Miamians are dumb. Really dumb. â€“ A friend who’s lived here his whole life recently told me “You’re the only person I know who reads books.”

22. Most of those cars are leased â€“ Miami is a great testament to what $299 a month* can get you

23. Lying is perfectly fine â€“ If people here ever told the truth, youâ€™d never know everyone lives at home, leases a BWM, and canâ€™t get you into a club.

24. Itâ€™s trashy â€“ We are the birthplace of the chonga. Youâ€™re welcome.

25. Youâ€™ll never want to leave - But you will anyway. Thatâ€™s just how it goes.

*One at this price. $4599 due at signing. Price does not include tax,tag, title, dealer fees, rims, tints, systems, custom paint, and airbrushed murals of Conan the Barbarian

Related Categories: Miami: Local News, See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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