SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish hadn’t happened, but we don’t really know whether we need to say sorry and pledge to take steps to ensure this will never happen again, since getting your head ripped off on the bumper cars should have been impossible in the first place,” said Six Flags spokesperson Larry Vazquez, adding that while the amusement park company took any decapitations on dangerous rides like roller coasters seriously, they couldn’t help but feel like the visitor’s bumper cars decapitation was on him. “Frankly, we don’t even know how he managed to pull this off. We weren’t paying that close attention, since it’s, you know, bumper cars, so we don’t exactly know how it happened, but we’re pretty sure he didn’t follow any of the rules. We’ll definitely send our condolences and give his family free Six Flags access for life as a gesture of goodwill, but it seems ridiculous to suppose we should offer a public apology or close the ride for safety improvements. What would those even be?” Six Flags officials added that while they felt that their legal team would be able to prevent any lawsuit, they were considering suing the victim’s family for negligence just to be on the safe side.

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