14 ways to enjoy S.F. during Burning Man exodus With terminally cool away, S.F. can play without irony or guilt

George Christopher (center) was S.F.'s last Republican mayor, but the city might be a bit more conservative during Burning Man. George Christopher (center) was S.F.'s last Republican mayor, but the city might be a bit more conservative during Burning Man. Photo: Chronicle File, The Chronicle Photo: Chronicle File, The Chronicle Image 1 of / 12 Caption Close 14 ways to enjoy S.F. during Burning Man exodus 1 / 12 Back to Gallery

For 28 years, the organizers of Burning Man have told a fairly consistent version of its history: that it was started by free-spirited volunteers, who burned a wooden man on Ocean Beach, and through the power of community the event grew to a 50,000-person self-sustainable mini-city in the Black Rock Desert in Nevada.

Now the truth can come out.

Burning Man was orchestrated by a group of longtime San Franciscans (identities unknown, but names such as Wilsey, Caen, Kantner and honorary citizen Bennett, née Benedetto, almost certainly involved), henceforth referenced as the Illuminati. Their goal? To move all the cool young people, new money wealth and the entire staff of the San Francisco Bay Guardian out of the city, so that for one weekend each summer the remaining population could enjoy the San Francisco of yesteryear.

With the trendy rich crowd now infiltrating the playa, bringing their fancy air-conditioning and servants to the event, the final step has been irrevocably completed. And we can unveil this guide.

Fourteen Ways to Enjoy San Francisco During the Burning Man Exodus ...

Wear a suit and tie to work ... and not ironically. I spend a lot of time in The San Francisco Chronicle's archives, and I'm constantly surprised how prevalent suits, ties and nice fedoras were on San Francisco men in the 1940s and 1950s. Going to work? Suit, tie and fedora. Taking a walk through Golden Gate Park? Suit, tie and fedora. Bleacher seats at Seals Stadium? Walking to the corner store to get some milk? Roller derby at the Cow Palace? Suit, tie and fedora. Fact: The guys on San Francisco's Skid Row in 1945 were dressed considerably better than the average Urban Outfitters employee in 2014.

Wear your uncool sweats: Remember when workout clothes were designed to hide what kind of shape you're in? They were baggy, with elastic around the wrists and ankles, so even if you were cut like the Rock, it looked like your clothing was stuffed with Styrofoam packing peanuts. Cherish this Lycra-free weekend while ye may.

Hug a cop: Now's your chance to give a San Francisco Police Department officer a warm embrace, with no judgment from your fellow citizens. Wait until the hug becomes uncomfortable, and then keep hugging for an additional 10 seconds. You're not going to get another chance until next August.

Ride your boring bike: Back in the 1970s and 1980s, there were two kinds of bikes in the Bay Area: Mongoose dirt bikes and the crappy 10-speeds they were handing out at Matthews Top of the Hill Daly City. An "art bike" was a bicycle with a baseball card in the spokes and one of those long orange flags on the back.

Visit a trendy San Francisco park: I've driven by Dolores Park in the Mission District a hundred times, and with all the young hipsteratti, I don't think I've ever seen the surface. Is the ground covered with grass? Sand? Dusted every morning with glitter and man-made snow? In any case, it should be a lot less crowded with so many of the cool people at Burning Man. Enjoy the eerie silence, and you might need to bring a friend if you want to throw a Frisbee. (Maybe that cop you just hugged?)

Vote for a conservative: San Francisco elected dozens of conservatives in the first half of the 20th century, but the last Republican to win a mayoral election was George Christopher in 1959. With all the Burners worshiping their solstice overlord/Yellow King/whatever it's called, there just might be enough right-wing voters in the city to elect the first true conservative in three generations. Tony Hall, your moment has arrived ...

Demand paper ... and plastic: When I grew up, checkers would routinely stuff groceries into a two-ply paper bag, lined with a plastic bag. They often wrapped your smaller groceries in little paper bags. And the whole thing was placed in a third sack made of indeterminate properties - possibly baby seal skin? I don't want to go back to this wasteful exercise year-round, but one day a year it would be nice to hear that pleasant crinkle of well-cocooned groceries. (And if they try to charge you, eat 10 cents worth of grapes from the produce section.)

Same goes for Happy Meal toys: It's still hard to believe this is what San Francisco supervisors chose to make a stand on. Imagine the conversation that happened behind closed doors. "We haven't been on 'The Daily Show' in a while. Anyone have an idea for a new piece of national-attention-grabbing nanny state legislation?"

Make eye contact with people: Let's be honest: The Burning Man crowd is by no means the only demographic in San Francisco jaywalking while staring at their cell phones. You should still take this opportunity to make eye contact with strangers the way we all did way back in 2009.

Get a reservation at Zuni: Remember when fine dining meant no one at the table next to you having a conversation about their startups? It was old dudes in turtlenecks and blazers, and the ratio of men to women in the city was a solid 53-47, instead of the current 88-12.

Finally try this Blue Bottle coffee thing: Not lying. I still haven't tried Blue Bottle coffee, and it's 100 percent because I don't want to wait in the line.

Drive your Plymouth Valiant guilt-free: Fact: More than 6,000 Plymouth Valiants, Chevy Caprice Wagons and Chevy Suburbans are garaged within the San Francisco city limits. This is the one weekend a year you can drive a humongous 12 miles-per-gallon car (that doesn't run on french fry oil) without getting side-eyes.

Re-form your barbershop quartet: Want to see the saddest drum circle in the history of mankind? Go to Golden Gate Park during the weekend of Burning Man. Take advantage of the hippie silence by getting the old barbershop quartet together, to once again fill the meadows with the strains of "Oh! Susanna." When you see a Burner quietly sobbing because he missed out on the playa ticket lottery, politely offer the kerchief from your red-and-white striped boater jacket.

Welcome the Burners back on Tuesday: I look at this like a weekend away from my kids; going to Burning Man is like spending some time with Grandma and Grandpa. If all goes well, you'll start to miss the eccentric diversity the Burners bring to the city sometime around Monday night. After all, they do come back with some good ideas. Those french-fry oil cars smell awesome ....