I have found myself in a few situations recently that tug at my desire to respond in my old dysfunctional and controlling ways. In the past, when people places and things that I cannot control have launched me into circumstances I find puzzling and maddening, my response has been the same each time. I feel the compulsion to react immediately in an effort to fix and control. If someone has said untrue hurtful things, I would obsess over what my response should be. I would likely draft an email where 983 “truths” would be submitted into evidence proving beyond any reasonable doubt why the other person’s story was delusional and untrue. I would edit and revise and create draft after draft until I had created a work of orifice ripping perfection.

In love. Obviously.

This repetitious insanity earned me the cuddly nicknames of “The Truthteller” and “The Double Standard Police”, which I proudly wore like a badge of self-congratulatory honor for at least a decade. Door placards and desk nameplates may have been purchased.

Elaborate parades in honor of the Truthtelling Queen, giving me occasion to waive at the wretched mass of lying and delusional souls I had set straight, were orchestrated in my mind. It was glorious. There would be confetti crafted from emails and self-help books and possibly even Scripture that would rain down on all of their sad heads. There would be chocolate chip cookies stockpiled on my float of honor. Maybe I would throw them to those that had responded positively and at those who hadn’t. I don’t know. I never prayed about all of the details specifically.

Gross.

So what could possibly be more satisfactory than reveling in endless victories of being right and setting others straight? The freedom and serenity that comes with staying in my own lane, that’s what…. Thinking of my life and relationships as though I live on my side of the street and the other person lives on their side of the street. Sure, they’ve got some garbage lying around over there and some weeds that sprout up occasionally. But so do I. And if I spend my time and energy “fixing” what’s going on over there my own yard dies, my garbage piles up around me and the weeds of my problems and responsibilities and distorted ways of thinking grow and thrive, choking out all the good stuff of life that’s happening on my side of the street. Whoever is living on the other side of the proverbial street in my current circumstances can pick up or not pick up their own garbage. They can even tell me that their garbage pile-up-paloozafest is my fault or responsibility but that doesn’t make it true. I can let go of words and behaviors that formerly would have sucked me in. I don’t have to fix anything on their side of the street. Fixing other people’s thoughts and problems is codependent behavior, which helps no one. And the self-satisfaction of feeling like I’ve fixed someone is fleeting. I’ve worked up, mathematically, the equation and results of my victory spoils:

Person I want to fix + my craziness of thinking I can succeed in this…carry the 43 hours of stewing and journaling and email drafting….multiplied by the odds of me becoming the unicorn I’ve always wanted to be…times infinity….beep boop…beep boop….beep boop…beeeeeyoooooooop =



= Mr. Needsmetofixthemupsidethehead reverts to original behavior.

Repeat x forever.

I think there is a balance to be found between “living on my side of the street” and being truthful and authentic about my feelings within relationships and circumstances. And I think this is called “emotional honesty”. In short, to me “emotional honesty” means being honest about my feelings regarding what’s going on (here’s the kicker) without any hidden agenda or motives to change the behavior, feelings or opinions of others. I can share how I feel and then take responsibility to change what is within the realm of my responsibility that is not working for me. This could look like choosing to accept that Mrs. Othersideofthestreet and I feel very differently about the topic and to be OK with that. It could mean I choose to leave a conversation, circumstance or relationship that is unhealthy for me and looks like it won’t be changing. In any case, “emotional honesty” allows me to be authentic within relationship, without using my words and feelings to fix or change others, and then take responsibility for where I go from there. It also allows for the other person to feel however they would like to feel about what I’ve shared. Maybe they are ecstatic at my willingness to share kindly and honestly how I’m feeling so we can choose to move forward together. Maybe they feel angry or sad and choose to stay there, in resentment or self-pity. Maybe they get all passive aggressive…

****Raisin cookies as a gift, in my opinion, are the highest form of a passive aggressive gesture. You know you’re luring me into a frenzied state of excitability with what I will assume are chocolate chips…

and then….

BAM!!! Dried Fruit. Blaugh.

Whatever their reaction…anger, sadness, gracious receptiveness, malicious cookie deceivery….I can give them the dignity of feeling whatever they need or want to feel and they can figure out a different way of thinking and feeling if they’d like to do that. I’m always figuring out new ways to think and feel about things so why shouldn’t they be able to do the same in their own time?

So, consider this my official resignation from my reign as Queen of Telling All Things Truthful and Policing All Things Double-Standard-y.

Have a chocolate chip cookie on your side of the street and enjoy these excerpts from “One Day at a Time in Al-Anon”. But not because I’m making you….

Page 237:

“Somewhere along the line, in our study of the Al-Anon program, we reach a sharp realization of the growth value of honesty and candor. When this happens, one of the first things we are able to admit is that our behavior, like that of the alcoholic, has been far from sane and reasonable. When we can do this, without shame or embarrassment, we seem to break free of a hampering shell.”

And page 238:

“Have I ever accomplished anything good while my emotions were churning with hysteria? Am I aware that reacting on impulse – saying the first thing that pops into my head – defeats my own purposes? I couldn’t lose by stopping to think: Easy does it. Wouldn’t any crisis shrink to manageable size if I could wait a little while to figure out what is best to do? Unless I’m sure I’m pouring oil on troubled waters, and not on a raging fire, it might be best to do and say nothing until things calm down. Easy does it. It may take a bit of self-control to back away from conflict and confusion. But it’s wonderful protection for my peace of mind. Unless I can say or do something to quell the storm, I’ll only be inflicting punishment on myself. And each little battle I win – with myself – makes the next one easier. Take it easy, for easy does it. It will all seem much less important tomorrow! Quietness is a great ally, my friend. As long as I keep my poise, I will do nothing to make bad matters worse.”

Now that’s the truth.

~Heidi