This time last month a school bus of young boys from Switzerland pulled up to the Stade de Suisse to take on no other than Manchester United.

After of weeks of speculation, news emerged that United had in fact taken their strongest team and were looking to dominate using BDSM tactics.

Bailly, Dalot, Shaw and Martial didn’t disappoint and the young boys, some of which were left crying from 90 minutes of being tied up and whipped, were brushed aside in a 3-0 victory to Manchester United.

Noah Berlinger (aged 11), who was wearing different colour shorts due to forgetting his PE kit, reflected on the match:

“It’s not what we expected at all. They were rough and seemed more focused on getting gag balls in our mouths than footballs in our net.”

“That said, it was great to see our idol Paul Pogba score twice. Did you see his celebration? He did the Fortnite dance!”

Eager to perfect his winning tactic in Europe, Jose Mourinho invited a group of old ladies to Old Trafford last night to continue the testing; though his decision to not include Darmian or Dalot proved costly.

“We came here hoping to be dominated by some strapping young men but received nothing of the sort,” described 82-year-old left back Elsie Robson.

“They appeared more focused on the bondage and sadomasochism, allowing us to play our natural game and eventually claim three points.”

78-year-old Doreen Wilcock’s near-post header led the old lady’s to a 1-0 away win at Old Trafford, a stadium in which she claimed: “they felt at home.”

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