HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some pretty big game about still being alive next year. “Grandma’s getting up there in years, but that sure hasn’t stopped her from making some pretty brass-balled claims about being at my wedding next summer,” said Stapleton’s granddaughter Katie Orville, 31, noting that the octogenarian’s remark that she “couldn’t wait to see everyone there” was just one example of Stapleton writing a huge check that her ass might not be able to cash. “And last week, she was running her mouth about how proud she was of [grandson] Travis and how she was looking forward to watching him get his diploma when he graduates from Syracuse in May. All I could think was, hey, why don’t we try slowing it down, Nanna, and see if you can make it through Christmas before you buy a plane ticket, all right?” Orville added that if her grandmother did somehow manage to come through on her big promises, then “more power to her,” but noted that she’s “not holding [her] breath.”

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