Murphy's Law and its progeny

MURPHY'S LAW If anything can go wrong, it will. O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY Murphy was an optimist. MURPHY'S FIRST COROLLARY Nothing is as easy as it looks. MURPHY'S SECOND COROLLARY Everything takes longer than you think. MURPHY'S THIRD COROLLARY If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. MURPHY'S FOURTH COROLLARY Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. MURPHY'S FIFTH COROLLARY Every solution breeds new problems. MURPHY'S SIXTH COROLLARY It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. MURPHY'S SEVENTH COROLLARY Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. MURPHY'S EIGHTH COROLLARY Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. MURPHY'S CONSTANT Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. HILL'S COMMENTARIES ON MURPHY'S LAW 1.If we have much to lose by having things go wrong, take all possible care. 2.If we have nothing to lose, relax. 3.If we have everything to gain, relax. 4.If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. BOLING'S POSTULATE If you're feeling good, don't worry. you'll get over it. MURPHY'S LAW OF MULTIPLES If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE The supplies necessary for yesterday's work must be ordered no later then noon tomorrow. CHISHOLM'S LAW When things just can't get any worse, they will. CHISHOLM'S COMMENTARY Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. SCOTT'S FIRST LAW No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. SCOTT'S SECOND LAW When an error has been detected and corrected it will be found to have been correct in the first place. FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW If an experiment works, something has gone wrong FINAGLE'S SECOND LAW No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory. FINAGLE'S THIRD LAW In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. COROLLARIES 1. No one whom you ask for help will see it. 2. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately. FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. WINGO'S AXIOM All Finagle's Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. SIMON'S LAW Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. GUMPERSON'S LAW The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. ISSAWI'S LAWS OF PROGRESS The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS Things get worse under pressure. THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW As soon as you mention something.... ... if it's good, it goes away. ... if it's bad, it happens. STURGEON'S LAW 90% of everything is crud. STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's impossible. COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY Nothing ever goes away. HOWE'S LAW Everyone has a scheme that will not work. GINSBERG'S THEOREM 1. You can't win 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. RUDIN'S LAW In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING (System Dynamics:) Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW You never find an article until you replace it. RICHARD'S COMPLIMENTARY RULES OF OWNERSHIP 1. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 2. If you throw it away, you will need it the next day. LEWIS' LAW No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. PERLSWEIG'S LAW People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity. McCLAUGHRY'S LAW OF ZONING Where zoning is not needed,it will work perfectly. Where it is desperately needed, it will always break down. FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. THE AIRPLANE LAW When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. GLYME'S FORMULA The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. FIRST LAW OF BRIDGE It's always the partner's fault. HARTLEY'S LAW FOR LOVERS Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. LIEBERMAN'S LAW Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. BOOB'S LAW You always find something the last place you look. WADES EXPLANATION Once you've found it, you quit looking! OSBORN'S LAW Variables won't; constants aren't. PUDDER'S LAW Anything that begins well, ends badly, Anything that begins badly, ends worse. ILES'S LAW There is always an easier way to do it. COROLLARY When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY An object will fall so as to do the most damage. JENNING'S COROLLARY The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. SATTINGER'S LAW It works better if you plug it in. FIRST LAW OF REVISION Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after- and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law). LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSION The piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment. COROLLARY Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it. SECOND LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSION Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck. JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. LAW OF THE LOST INCH In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40p.m. Friday COROLLARY The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday. LOWERY'S LAW If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. EHRMAN'S COMMENTARY 1. Things get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? SHAW'S PRINCIPAL Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY There is always one more bug. ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped,will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. LAW OF ANNOYANCE When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly. SCHMIDT'S LAW If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE Experience varies directly with the equipment ruined. CAHN'S AXIOM When all else fails, read the instructions. ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE Don't force it; get a larger hammer. MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH Enough research will tend to support your theory. MAIER"s LAW If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. WILLIAMS AND HOLLAND'S LAW If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods. YOUNG'S LAW All great discoveries are made by mistake. COROLLARY The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake. RULE OF ACCURACY When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. MR. COOPER'S LAW If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it. STEELE'S PHILOSOPHY Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink. STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. HARRIS' LAMENT All the good ones are taken. LAWS OF GARDENING 1. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens 2. Fancy gizmos don't work. 3. If nobody uses it, there's a reason. JONES' LAW The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. TRUMAN'S LAW If you cannot convince them, confuse them. FIRST LAW OF DEBATE Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference. WORKER'S DILEMMA 1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 2. What you don't do is always more important than what you do. SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so. SHANNAHAN'S LAW The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. OLD AND KAHN'S LAW The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations. RULE OF THE GREAT When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch. MILLER'S LAW You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it. WELLINGTON'S LAW OF COMMAND The cream rises to the top. So does the scum. BOREN'S LAWS 1. When in doubt, mumble. 2. When in trouble, delegate. 3. When in charge, ponder. COLE'S LAW Thinly sliced cabbage. PATTON'S LAW A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. WEINBERG'S FIRST LAW Progress is made on alternate fridays. PAULG'S LAW In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES Whoever has the gold makes the rules. WESTHEIMER'S RULE To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW Expenditures rise to meet income. WIKER'S LAW Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. PARKINSON'S LAW OF DELAY Delay is the deadliest form of denial. CHEOP'S LAW Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. LEVY'S NINTH LAW Only God can make a random selection. GRESHAM'S LAW Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved. THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY Smile ... tomorrow will be worse. MARKS' LAW A fool and your money are soon partners. LAW OF INSTITUTIONS The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. JUHANI'S LAW The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising. JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. REVEREND CHICHESTER'S LAWS 1. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 2. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 3. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, church attendance will exceed all expectations. MALEK'S LAW Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPAL (THE $357.73 THEORY) Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10. WEILER'S LAW Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. THEORY OF SELECTIVE SUPERVISION The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the Boss walks through the office. BARTH'S DISTINCTION There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS Celibacy is not hereditary. MR. COLE'S AXIOM The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. JONES' MOTTO Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. McCLAUGHRY'S CODICIL ^TO JONES' MOTTO To make an enemy, do someone a favor. NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN Cleanliness is next to impossible. JENKINSON'S LAW It won't work. HAMILTON'S RULE FOR CLEANING GLASSWARE The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side. WALKER'S LAW OF THE HOUSEHOLD There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry. CLIVE'S REBUTTAL TO WALKER'S LAW If it's clean, it isn't laundry. SKOFF'S LAW A child will not spill on a dirty floor. FIRST LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible. SECOND LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse. THIRD LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION You are always complimented on the item which took the least effort to prepare. EXAMPLE If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be complimented on the baked potato. FOURTH LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION The one ingredient you make a special trip to the store to get will be the one your guest is allergic to. CAPTAIN PENNY'S LAW You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM. BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. LYNCH'S LAW When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. EVANS AND BJORN'S LAW No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would. HELLRUNG'S LAW If you wait, it will go away. SHAVELSON'S EXTENSION ... having done its damage. GRELB'S ADDITION If it was bad, it'll be back. DUCHARME'S PRECEPT Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. FLUGG'S LAW When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. LAW OF THE SEARCH The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. MARYANN'S LAW You can always find what you're not looking for. RUNE'S RULE If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. FURGUSON'S PRECEPT A crisis is when you can't say let's forget the whole thing. NAESER'S LAW You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damn-foolproof. IMBESI'S LAW OF THE CONSERVATION OF FILTH In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty. FREEMAN'S EXTENSION ... but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean. GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L.MENCKEN Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers. EDELSTEIN'S ADVICE Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL It always takes longer to get there than to get back. CAFETERIA LAW The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you. ETORRE'S OBSERVATION The other line is always faster. O'BRIEN'S VARIATION ON ETORRE'S OBSERVATION If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in. KENTON'S COROLLARY Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry. THE QUEUE PRINCIPLE The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. FLUGG'S RULE The slowest checker is always at the quick- check-out lane. WITTEN'S LAW Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a need for them an hour later. THOM'S LAW OF MARITAL BLISS The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. MURRAY'S FIRST RULE OF THE ARENA Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach. MURRAY'S SECOND RULE OF THE ARENA A free agent is anything but. MURRAY'S THIRD RULE OF THE ARENA Whatever can go to New York will.. KNOX'S PRINCIPAL OF STAR QUALITY Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. LAVIA'S LAW OF TENNIS A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition. THE RULE OF THE RALLY The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost. HUTCHINSON'S LAW If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. JONES' LAW OF ZOOS AND MUSEUMS The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. HARRISON'S POSTULATE For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. PERKINS' POSTULATE The bigger they are, the harder they hit. LOFTUS' FIFTH LAW OF MANAGEMENT Some people manage by the book even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. HECHT'S FOURTH LAW There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do. PARKINSON'S FIFTH LAW If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. ROGER'S RULE Authorization for a project will be granted only when none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit if it succeeds. MOLLISOMN'S BUREAUCRACY HYPOTHESIS If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing. GOURD'S AXIOM A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. WHISTLER'S LAW You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge. LOFTUS' THEORY ON PERSONNEL RECRUITMENT Far away talent always seems better then home-developed talent. FIRST RULE OF NEGATIVE ANTICIPATION You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them. PORKINGHAM'S FIRST LAW OF SPORT FISHING The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. PORKINGHAM'S SECOND LAW OF SPORT FISHING The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing season draws nearer. PORKINGHAM'S THIRD LAW OF SPORT FISHING The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. COROLLARY The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home. SPENCER'S LAWS OF DATA 1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts. 3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. DREW'S LAW OF PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE The client who pays the least complains the most. THAL'S LAW For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. DINGLE'S LAW When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around instead of picking it up. LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. JOE'S LAW The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganization. PFEIFER'S PRINCIPLE Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. LAW OF RERUNS If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. KITMAN'S LAW Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. SWIPPLE RULE OF ORDER He who shouts loudest has the floor. MATILDA'S LAW OF SUB-COMMITTEE FORMATION If you leave the room, you're elected. HARDIN'S LAW You can never do just one thing. KNAGG'S DERIVATIVE OF MURPHY'S LAW The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure. GROSSMAN'S LEMMA Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. WETHERN'S LAW OF SUSPENDED JUDGEMENT Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. FIRST WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one missing from the tool chest. SECOND WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE Most projects require three hands. THIRD WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. FOURTH WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there is when something goes wrong. JARUK'S SECOND LAW If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company will insist upon repairing the old one. COROLLARY If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will insist on the latest model. ROBERT'S AXIOM Only errors exist. BERMAN'S COROLLARY TO ROBERT'S AXIOM One man's error is another man's data. FIFTH LAW OF UNRELIABILITY To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. FIRST LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY Important letters which contain no errors will develope errors in the mail. COROLLARY Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the boss is reading it. SECOND LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY Office machines which function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return to the office at night to use them for personal business. THIRD LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. FOURTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to. FIFTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. SIXTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY The last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. DEVRIES' DILEMMA If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. DEAL'S FIRST LAW OF SAILING The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number and experience of the people you take on board. DEAL'S SECOND LAW OF SAILING No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point from port the wind will die. SHEDENHELM'S LAW OF BACKPACKING All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections. YEAGER'S LAW Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. COROLLARY All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. FINAGLE'S EIGHTH RULE Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. MURPHY'S GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE 1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. LERMAN'S LAW OF TECHNOLOGY Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. LERMAN'S COROLLARY You are never given enough time or money. THE RULER RULE There is no such thing as a straight line. GRELB'S LAW OF ERRORING In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end from the end at which you begin checking for errors. BREDA'S RULE At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. MICHEHL'S RULE FOR PROSPECTIVE MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. FROTHINGHAM'S COROLLARY The mountain look closer than it is. TODD'S FIRST LAW All things being equal, you lose. COROLLARY All things being in your favor, you still lose. LAW OF LIFE'S HIGHWAY If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. ATHENA'S RULE OF DRIVING COURTESY If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space. McKEE'S LAW When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. DREW'S LAW OF HIGHWAY BIOLOGY The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. CAMPBELL'S FIRST LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the tool to get it off. CAMPBELL'S SECOND LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back-ordered. CAMPBELL'S THIRD LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place. LEMAR'S PARKING POSTULATE If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building. BROMBERG'S FIRST LAW OF AUTO REPAIR When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer. BROMBERG'S SECOND LAW OF AUTO REPAIR No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil. FEMO'S LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE ENGINE REPAIRING If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue which contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read. COROLLARY All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out. ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep. BESS' UNIVERSAL PRINCIPALS 1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. 2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up. KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. SHIRLEY'S LAW Most people deserve each other. ARTHUR'S FIRST LAW OF LOVE People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. ARTHUR'S SECOND LAW OF LOVE The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. BEDFELLOW'S RULE The one who snores will fall asleep first. GILLENSON'S (de-sexed) LAW OF EXPECTATION Never get excited about a blind date because of how it sounds over the phone. CHEIT'S LAMENT If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. DENNISTON'S LAW Virtue is its own punishment. DENNISTON'S COROLLARY If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. RUBY'S PRINCIPAL OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. JACOB'S LAW To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human. ISKE'S TEENAGE COROLLARY TO PARKINSON'S LAW The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available. BANANA PRINCIPLE If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. BRITT'S GREEN THUMB POSTULATE The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness. BALLANCE'S LAW OF RELIABILITY How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. JONES' FIRST LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING The only new show worth watching will be canceled. JONES' SECOND LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time. JONES' THIRD LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING The show you've been looking forward to all week will be preempted. RUAN'S APPLICATION OF PARKINSON'S LAW Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. CORNUELLE'S LAW Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR People are always available for work in the past tense. CONWAY'S LAW In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. SEIT'S LAW OF HIGHER EDUCATION The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during your last semester. FIRST LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes. SECOND LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING A pre-requisite for a desired course will only be offered during the semester following the desired course. FIRST LAW OF APPLIED TERROR When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible. SECOND LAW OF APPLIED TERROR The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want. THIRD LAW OF APPLIED TERROR 80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read. FOURTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. FIFTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book. COROLLARY If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. SIXTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester and never attending. DUGGAN'S LAW OF SCHOLARLY RESEARCH The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source. ROMINGER'S RULES FOR STUDENTS 1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it. 2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later. WALLACE'S OBSERVATION Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment. JOHNSON'S SECOND LAW If in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening. TERMAN'S LAW OF INNOVATION If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot. CHURCHILL'S COMMENTARY ON MAN Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. FARMER'S CREDO Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure. MATZ'S MAXIM A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. FAGIN'S RULE ON PAST PREDICTIONS Hindsight is an exact science. MERKIN'S MAXIM When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. MEYER'S LAW It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple. HLADE'S LAW If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he will find an easier way to do it. MATZ'S RULE REGARDING MEDICATIONS A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report. COCHRAN'S APHORISM Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the same, don't do the test. MOSER'S LAW OF SPECTATOR SPORTS Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. MURRAY'S RULE OF FOOTBALL The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. MURRAY'S LAW OF HOCKEY Hockey is a game played by six good players and a home team. GROUND RULE FOR LABORATORY WORKERS When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. LEE'S LAW In any dealings with a collective body of people, the people will always be more tacky than originally expected. SPENCER'S LAWS OF ACCOUNTABILITY 1. Trial balances don't. 2. Working capital doesn't. 3. Liquidity tends to run out. 4. Return on investments won't. O'BRIEN'S LAW Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. WEBWE'S DEFINITION An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. WARREN'S RULE To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. MARS' RULE An expert is anyone from out of town. GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. YOUNG'S LAW All great discoveries are made by mistake. LAW OF REVELATION The hidden flaw never remains hidden. SODD'S SECOND LAW Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. FIRST PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. SECOND PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment. THIRD PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottler. FOURTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS You never have the right number of pills left on the last day ofa prescription. FIFTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick. TELESCO'S FIRST LAW OF NURSING All the IVs are at the other end of the hall. TELESCO'S SECOND LAW OF NURSING There are two kinds of adhesive tape the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off. WORKING COOK'S LAWS 1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn't. 2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did. WITZLING'S LAW OF PROGENY PERFORMANCE Any child who chatters non-stop at home will refuse to utter a sound when asked to demonstrate for a visitor. VAN ROY'S LAW An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. FISH'S FIRST LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. FISH'S SECOND LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests. RON'S OBSERVATION ON TEENAGERS The pimples don't appear until the hour before the date. JAFFE'S PRECEPT There are some things which are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know which things these are. GRAY'S BUS LAW A bus will arrive only when the would-be rider has walked to a point so close to the destination that it is no longer worthwhile to board the bus. LAW OF THE INDIVIDUAL Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing. PARKER'S LAW Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. THE WATERGATE PRINCIPLE government corruption is always reported in the past tense. TODD'S FIRST TWO PRINCIPLES 1. No matter what they're telling you, they're not telling you the whole truth. 2. No matter what they're talking about, they're taking about money. MILES' LAW Where you stand depends on where you sit. THE KENNEDY CONSTANT Don't get mad - get even. BERNSTEIN'S PRECEPT The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. FIRST LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is exposed. SECOND LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap. THIRD LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY The best shots will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door. THE DIALECTICS OF PROGRESS Direct action produces direct reaction. THE ARMY AXIOM Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. IMHOFF'S LAW The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top. SPARK'S FIRST RULE FOR THE PROJECT MANAGER Strive to look tremendously important. SPARK'S SECOND RULE FOR MANAGERS Attempt to be seen with important people. SPARK'S THIRD RULE FOR MANAGERS Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts. SPARK'S FOURTH RULE FOR MANAGERS Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on - then quickly change the subject. SPARK'S FIFTH RULE FOR MANAGERS Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference. JAY'S FIRST LAW OF LEADERSHIP Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness. JACQUIN'S POSTULATE ON DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while legislature is in session. TRISCHMANN'S PARADOX A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. BUCY'S LAW Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. DEDERA'S LAW In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor you are not. THE SNAFU EQUATION The object or bit of information most needed will be the one least available. TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE #1 job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be. TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE #2 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. PROFESSOR BLOCK'S MOTTO Forgive and remember. GLIB'S LAW OF UNRELIABILITY Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. HELLER'S LAW The first myth of management is that it exists. JOHNSON'S COROLLARY Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. FREEMAN'S RULE Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field. Mc GOWAN'S CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AXIOM If an item is advertised as "under $50.00", you can bet it's not $19.95. LUPOSCHAINSKY'S HURRY-UP-AND-WAIT PRINCIPLE If you're early, it'll be cancelled. If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait. If you're late, you will be too late. DEHAY'S AXIOM Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later. THUMB'S SECOND POSTULATE An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth. EVAN'S LAW If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. MATZ'S WARNING Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble. WISE FAN'S LAMENT Fools rush in - and get the best seats. THOMAS' LAW The one who least wants to play is the one who will win BROOK'S LAWS OF RETAILING Security isn't. Management can't. Sale promotions don't. Consumer assistance doesn't. Workers won't. FINMAN'S BARGAIN BASEMENT PRINCIPLE The one you want is never the one on sale. HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. HERSHISER'S SECOND RULE The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means the price went up. HERSHISER'S THIRD RULE The label "ALL NEW","COMPLETELY NEW" or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. HADLEY'S FIRST LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING If you like it, they don't have it in your size. HADLEY'S SECOND LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. HADLEY'S THIRD LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. HADLEY'S FOURTH LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it. HERBLOCK'S LAW If it's good, they discontinue it. GOLD'S LAW If the shoe fits, it's ugly. BERYL'S LAW The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase. COROLLARIES 1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". MURPHY'S TENTH COROLLARY Mother nature is a bitch. SINETETO'S FIRST LAW OF CONSUMERISM A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day. FIRST RULE OF INTELLIGENT TINKERING Save all the parts. LEWIS' LAW People will buy anything that's one to a customer. LAW OF GIFTS You get the most of what you need the least. CHISHOLM'S FIRST COROLLARY If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it. CHICHOLM'S SECOND COROLLARY If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. QUANTUM REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW Everything goes wrong all at once. COOPER'S METALAW A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes. DIGIOVANNI'S LAW The number of laws will expand to fill the publishing space available. THE LAST LAW If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong. WADE'S ADVICE Never put off until tomorrow that which you could have forgotten about entirely.