

UNITED STATES –

Red States across the country were a little confused this week to find out that being a red state did not necessarily mean the thing they originally thought it meant.

“Yeah, I definitely thought it was something else entirely,” said Daniel Trimble of Katchtaw, Kentucky. “The media always talks about us as being a red state, and it seemed like it was just a conservative thing, which I am totally OK with. But apparently it’s turning out that the red part doesn’t stand for what they were saying it did.”

Frank Beauforte of Lime Grove, Lousiana, agreed. “Red is a special color in the south. It was the main color in the confederate flag, and is in almost every southern state flag. So, it’s a little disconcerting that red seems to be taking on a different meaning. And not necessarily a positive one.”

“When I voted for a red state candidate, I always thought that was a vote for red state values,” he said. “At least, for the values I thought were red at the time that I was voting.”

Painted Her House

“I love the color red,” said Merna Virin of Stove Pass, Wyoming. “I love Valentine’s Day, I love strawberries. I love Target. If I could wear red every day, I would.”

“And with 4 kids at home, I’ve always been proud to be from a red state that supports traditional family values. At least, that’s what I always understood that red states were supporting.”

“I even painted the whole outside of my house red,” continued Mrs. Virin. “It cost 4,000 dollars, so I’m not changing it. It just would have been nice to know this was coming, you know?”

“Better Dead Than Red”

“Back in the 50’s, my grandpa fought in the Korean war. He made it to Colonel before he retired, and always used to say to us kids ‘better dead than red!” said Mr. Trimble. “I think if he were alive today, he would be very, very confused. And to tell you the truth, I really don’t understand what’s going on myself. It’s all kind of, well, it’s just going to take some getting used to is all.”

Mr. Beauforte, too, seemed resigned to the changes. He looked out at his driveway as his wife offered lemonade to some neighbors gathered on their front porch. “We made it thru slavery, the civil war, reconstruction, carpet baggers, Jim Crow, federal oversight, and now this,” he said. “But people in red states are very resilient for the most part. Isn’t that right, Mabel?”

Mrs. Beauforte agreed as she handed Mr. Beauforte a glass. “We’ll get thru this just fine,” she said.

“Would you like a shot of Stoly in your lemonade, dear?”

“Da, da” replied Mr. Beauforte. “Thanks, Babushka.”

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