[school bell rings] [piano playing] - ♪ WELCOME, OH, WELCOME ♪ TO OUR LITTLE PLAY ♪ IT'S OUR HOPETHAT YOU ALL ♪ ♪ LEARN SOMETHING TODAY - ♪ I AM A TOOTH ♪ SO WHITE AND SO STRONG - ♪ I AM A TOOTHBRUSH ♪ MY BRISTLES ARE LONG all: ♪ TOGETHER WE WORK ♪ TO KEEP THE BAD GUY AWAY - ♪ HE'S MEAN AND HE HURTS ♪ AND HIS NAME'STOOTH DECAY! ♪ [sinister chord] - HIS NAME IS TOOTH DECAY. - WHERE IS TOOTH DECAY? TOOTH DECAY,THAT'S YOUR CUE! - HE'S NOT HERE. - WHAT DO YOU MEANHE'S NOT HERE? - HE'S AT HOME WATCHINGTHE ROYAL WEDDING. - THE WHAT? - HE SAID HE HAD TOWATCH IT. - IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? WE ARE TWO WEEKSINTO TECH REHEARSALS! WHO THE HECKWOULD SIT AT HOME WATCHING THE ROYAL WEDDING? - IT IS A GLORIOUSSPRING MORNING

FOR THE ROYAL WEDDING. PEOPLE ARE STILL FILINGINSIDE THE ABBEY TO WATCH THE PRINCEAND PRINCESS OF CANADA EXCHANGE THEIR VOWS. WHAT A GREAT DAYFOR CANADIANS EVERYWHERE. [band playing drums] THE WINNIPEG DRUMMERSPLAYING THE MARCH OF A THOUSAND FARTS AS IS TRADITIONAL FORTHE CANADIAN ROYAL FAMILY. [all fart] ALL THE BIGGEST CANADIANCELEBRITIES ARE ON HAND. THERE ARESIRS TERRANCE AND PHILLIP WITH THEIR WIVES,THE LOVELY QUEEF SISTERS. - [queefs] I BELIEVE--YES, I BELIEVEONE OF THE SISTERS JUST QUEEFED JUST NOW. THERE ARECANADIAN RECORDING ARTISTS SIR BRIAN ADAMSAND SIR COREY HART. EVERYONE LOOKINGSMASHING TODAY. - AND THERE HE IS,THE PRINCE OF CANADA. WHAT A WONDERFUL DAYIT IS FOR HIM. WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY IT ISFOR ALL OF US. INSIDE THE ABBEY NOW,EVERYONE WAITING WITH ANTICIPATION. THERE'S THE QUEEN OF CANADA,IN ATTENDANCE OF COURSE. - [queefs]- I BELIEVE SHE JUST QUEEFED. - THE PRINCE MAKES HIS WAYDOWN THE AISLE LED BY THE BISHOPOF NEWFOUNDLAND. PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCENOW GENTLY TOSSING CAPTAIN CRUNCHAS THE PRINCE PASSES BY, AS, OF COURSE,IS TRADITION. THE PRINCE TAKES HIS PLACE NEXT TO THE LARGE VATOF BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING. OH, AND HERE SHE COMES!YES, THERE SHE IS! THE ABOOT-TO-BEPRINCESS OF CANADA. ISN'T SHE RAVISHING? SO PURE OF HEART, SO STRONG IN BODY. SO HOT IN THE FACE. SHE IS INDEED THE LIVINGSYMBOL OF OUR GREAT COUNTRY. MY GOD, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. PRINCESS! PRINCESS!

INTO THE PUDDING,AS IS TRADITION. THE PRINCESS WILL, OF COURSE,SCRAPE THE PUDDING OFF THE PRINCE'S ARMS,THUS SYMBOLIZING THEIR UNION. WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY FOR OURCOUNTRY AND INDEED THE WORLD. AND NOW OF COURSE THE--WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S THIS? OH--UH-OH! SOMETHING ISGOING TERRIBLY WRONG! THE ABBEY SHAKING VIOLENTLYAS EXPLOSIONS ABOUND. THE TOP--YES, THE TOPOF THE ABBEY IS COLLAPSING. THE PRINCE AND THE PRINCESSLOOK ON IN HORROR. THIS IS NOT THE TRADITION. THIS IS NOT TRADITIONAT ALL. A GIANT HOLE NOW BLASTEDINTO THE CEILING, DEBRIS FALLING DOWNAND CRUSHING SEVERAL SPECTATORS, WHICH ISALSO NOT THE TRADITION FOR A ROYAL CANADIAN WEDDING. BRIGHT BEAM OF LIGHTSHOOTING THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE CEILING. THE PRINCESS NOW IN SOME KINDOF ISOMETRIC CUBE. THIS IS CERTAINLY BREAKINGWITH TRADITION NOW. - NO! NO! - CANADIANS IN ATTENDANCECANNOT BELIEVE THEIR EYES. WIDESPREAD PANIC.[all screaming] THE PRINCESS BEINGHOISTED AWAY. THE LITTLE MUSHROOM PEOPLEOF NOVA SCOTIA SCREAMING WITH HORROR. THE PRINCE IS ATTEMPTINGTO GRAB HOLD OF THE CUBE. THE DUKE AND DUCHESSOF CALGARY HIDING BEHIND THE PEWS. THIS IS INDEED A HORRIBLE DAYFOR ALL OF CANADA, AND THEREFORE--AND THE PUDDINGHAS JUST BEEN KNOCKED OVER! OH, THIS DOES NOT GOWITH TRADITION AT ALL. THE ROYAL PUDDING NOW SPILLINGALL OVER THE ABBEY AS THE PRINCESS ISLIFTED UP...UP... AND SHE'S GONE. THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN TAKEN. THIS IS INDEEDA HORRIBLE DAY FOR CANADA, AND THEREFORE,THE REST OF THE WORLD. - [crying]

- ♪ I AM A TOOTH ♪ SO WHITE AND SO STRONG - ♪ I AM A TOOTHBRUSH ♪ MY BRISTLES ARE LONG all: ♪ TOGETHER WE WORK ♪ TO KEEP THE BAD GUY AWAY ♪ HE'S MEAN AND HE HURTS ♪ AND HIS NAME'STOOTH DECAY ♪ [sinister chord] - HIS NAME'S TOOTH DECAY! - [crying] - OH NO!IT'S TOOTH DECAY! - HE'S GONNA GET US! - [crying continues] - NO, NO, TOOTH DECAY. YOUR CHARACTERIS SUPPOSED TO BE MEAN AND NASTY, MKAY.NOT CRYING. - [sobbing] - NO, NO.SEE, TOOTH DECAY CAN'T BE SAD UNTIL TOOTHBRUSHAND DENTAL FLOSS HAVE GOTTEN RID OF HIM. YOU CAN'T JUST STARTALREADY SAD. THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO,YOU SEE. THERE'S NO ARC, MKAY? - [sobbing continues] - OH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,TOOTH DECAY! YOU JUST GO HOMEAND SORT YOURSELF OUT! THE REST OF US WILL REHEARSETHE FINALE AGAIN. AND YOU BETTER COME BACKTOMORROW WITH A DIFFERENT ATTITUDE,TOOTH DECAY, MKAY? - [sobbing]

- THE TORNADO WAS SAID TO BE THE DEADLIEST IN 56 YEARS. IN OTHER NEWS,IT'S BEEN 24 HOURS NOW AND THE PRINCESS OF CANADAIS STILL MISSING. ALL OF CANADA IS IN MOURNING AS NATIONWIDE,SUICIDES ABOUND. - THE PRINCESS IS GONE! AAH! - AAGGGHH! [all screaming] - THE PRINCESS IS GONE!BLAH! - AAH! AAH! [all sobbing] - A MASSIVE CANDLELIGHT VIGILWAS HELD LAST NIGHT, LED BYTHE CANADIAN BAND RUSH. - ♪ AND IT SEEMS TO ME ♪ YOU LIVED YOUR LIFE ♪ LIKE A FLOWERBREAKING WIND ♪ [farts] ♪ NEVER KNOWINGWHO TO TURN TOWARDS-- ♪ [sobbing] - THE PRINCE OF CANADAHAS SAID THAT-- WE HAVE JUST RECEIVEDBREAKING NEWS THAT THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENTNOW KNOWS WHO TOOK THE PRINCESS. THE CANADIAN PRIME MINISTERIS INSTRUCTING ALL PEOPLE OF CANADIAN DECENT TO GO HOME AND "OPENTHEIR BOX OF FAITH." BOX OF FAITH?WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

[objects clattering] [film projector whirring] - HELLO THERE, MY NOBLE,STRONG, FELLOW CANADIAN. IF YOU ARE WATCHINGTHIS FILMSTRIP, THEN NO DOUBT CANADAIS IN GRAVE DANGER. AS YOU KNOW,THE VERY HEART OF CANADA IS THE ROYAL FAMILY. IF YOU HAVE BEEN ORDEREDTO OPEN YOUR BOX OF FAITH, THEN ONE OR MORE OF THE ROYALFAMILY MUST BE IN PERIL. OR ELSE YOU JUST OPENEDYOUR BOX OF FAITH AND ARE WATCHING THISWITHOUT BEING TOLD TO, IN WHICH CASEYOU ARE A DICK. IF YOU HAVE INDEED BEENINSTRUCTED TO OPEN THE BOX, THEN THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS. ALL CANADIANSIN FIGHTING CONDITION ARE ASKED TO MEET BYTHE TREE IN EDMONTON. IN YOUR BOX OF FAITH, YOU WILL FINDALL THE ITEMS YOU NEED-- A LOCATION BEACON,A FIRST AID KIT, AND A SANDWICH. YOU MAY EAT THE SANDWICH NOW. GOOD LUCK, CANADIAN CITIZEN,AND GOD HELP. ALL OF CANADAIS RELYING ON YOU. [dramatic music] ♪

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? IKE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - I GOT TO GET TO CANADA AND--AND JOIN THE ARMIES AND SAVE THE PRINCESS. [bell rings] - WHEREAS SALAGADOOLAMECHIKA BOOLA EQUALS "X". AND BIBBIDY BOBBIDY BOOIS "Y". PUT 'EM TOGETHERAND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? BIBBIDY BOBBIDY BOO,"X" PLUS "Y" EQUALS "Y". "X" EQUALS ZERO.THE SONG IS BADLY WRITTEN. SECOND VERSE, "X" PLUS "Y" EQUALS BIBBIDY BOBBIDYCUBED PLUS THE BOO. - KYLE BROFLOVSKI! DO YOU MIND TELLING MEWHERE YOUR BROTHER IS? - I DON'T KNOW. - HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DOA PLAY, MKAY, TEACHING STUDENTSABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF DENTAL HYGIENEWITHOUT TOOTH DECAY? WE HAVE TWO MORE DAYSOF TECH, AND THEN PREVIEWSSTART ON MONDAY. WHAT AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO, KYLE? YOU TELL ME! - WELL, COULDN'T YOU,YOU KNOW, JUST GET RID OFTHE PART OF TOOTH DECAY? - GETTING RID OF TOOTH DECAY IS WHAT I'M TRYINGTO FUCKIN' DO! - HA HA. - HE'S YOUR BROTHER,KYLE BROFLOVSKI, MKAY! HOW ARE YOU GOINGTO FIX THIS?

- HEY.HEY, THERE! - YOU GOING TOCANADA, TOO? WHAT AM I SAYING? OF COURSEYOU'RE GOING TO CANADA. YOU'RE CANADIAN,SURE ENOUGH. OPENED YOUR BOX OF FAITH,DID YOU? ME TOO. THEY CAN'T TAKE OUR PRINCESSAND GET AWAY WITH IT! MIND IF I SIT DOWN? SOON AS I HEARD THE CALLTHERE WAS NO QUESTION I WAS GONNA SIGN UP! DIDN'T CAREHOW FAR AWAY I WAS, I WAS GONNA GET TO THE RALLYPOINT AT THE TREE IN EDMONTON. DIDN'T KNOW OTHER CANADIANSLIVING HERE IN THE U.S. I'M FROM TORONTO ORIGINALLY. BUT EVERYWHERE I WENT, PEOPLE WERE TERRIFIEDBY MY DISFIGUREMENT. I HAVE TO WEARTHIS BAG ON MY HEAD BECAUSE I'M HIDEOUSLY UGLY. HAD TO MOVE HERETO THE UNITED STATES. HERE PEOPLE DON'T THINKI LOOK UGLY. THEY JUST THINKI LOOK CANADIAN. THE NAME'S UGLY BOB. - ♪ I AM A TOOTH ♪ SO WHITE AND SO STRONG - ♪ I AM A TOOTHBRUSH ♪ MY BRISTLES ARE LONG all: ♪ TOGETHER WE WORK ♪ TO KEEP THE BAD GUY AWAY ♪ HE'S MEAN AND HE HURTS ♪ AND HIS NAME'STOOTH DECAY ♪ [sinister chord] - ♪ I AM TOOTH DECAY ♪ YOUR TEETH SHALL BE MINE ♪ WITH CANDY AND TREATS... - HOLD IT! HOLD IT!STOP! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? - I'M JUST DOING THE LINES. - THE AUDIENCE IS SUPPOSEDTO FEEL SCARED OF TOOTH DECAY, KYLE!MKAY? IF TOOTH DECAYHAS NO BELIEVABILITY, THEN TOOTHBRUSHAND DENTAL FLOSS HAVE NOTHINGTO PLAY AGAINST! - I'M TRYING, MR. MACKEY,I REALLY AM. - OH, YOU'RE TRYIN'? YOU CALL ROLLINGYOUR FAT ASS OUT ON THE STAGE AND LAZILYBLURTING OUT YOUR LINES LIKE A TURTLETAKING A SHIT, YOU CALL THAT TRYING? THIS PLAY IS SUPPOSED TOCHANGE HOW PEOPLE THINK, KYLE! GET IT FUCKIN' RIGHT! [feedback on microphone] JUST PICK IT UPFROM THERE.

YOU HAVE ANSWERED THE CALL AND NOW WE MUST FACEOUR GREATEST FOE. THE PRINCESSHAS BEEN KIDNAPPED, AND WE BELIEVE THIS TO BETHE WORK OF...THE GIANT! - OOH, THE GIANT!THE GIANT, THAT'S NOT GOOD. - WE ARE ATTEMPTING TOATTRACT THE GIANT NOW WITH A BOWLOF KRAFT DINNER. WHEN THE GIANT ARRIVES, WE WILL ATTACK HIMWITH OUR GUNS, OUR SWORDS, OUR--[approaching footfalls] - FEE FI FO FUM! I SMELL KRAFT DINNER. - IT'S THE GIANT!- SCOTT! [all shouting] - SCOTT, GIVE US BACKTHE PRINCESS, SCOTT! - YOU FART-LOVINGTRICKSTERS! I'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL OF YOU! - YOU'RE A DICK, SCOTT! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DICK. AND THEN YOU GOT RADIATIONPOISONING IN OTTAWA AND NOW YOU'RE A GIANT DICK. - NO! YOU ALL KEPTCALLING ME A DICK, AND SO THEN THAT TURNED MEINTO A DICK! AND THEN I GOT RADIATIONPOISONING IN OTTAWA AND NOW I'M A GIANT DICK. - JUST HAND OVERTHE PRINCESS OF CANADA! - WHY WOULD I TAKETHE PRINCESS OF CANADA? - BECAUSE YOU'REA GIANT DICK? - I'M ALSO THE BIGGEST CANADIANPATRIOT OF ALL OF YOU. YOU KNOW THAT I WOULDNEVER HARM THE ROYAL FAMILY! - AW, CRAP. SORRY, EVERYONE, LOOKS LIKEWE HAD SOME BAD INTEL. RETURN TO YOUR HOMES. - ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. I GUESS WE DID ALL WE COULD.COME ON. - YEAH, AT LEAST WE TRIED. I GUESS THE PRINCESSIS GONE FOR GOOD, EH? - WHAT IS WRONGWITH YOU PEOPLE? IT IS PERFECTLY OBVIOUSWHO TOOK THE PRINCESS. I MIGHT BE A GIANT, BUT THERE'S ONE THREATTO CANADA BIGGER THAN ME! - WHO?- THE NATIVE CANADIANS! - THE NATIVE CANADIANS?

GODDAMN NATIVE CANADIANS. THINK THEY RUN THE WORLD. - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - FART LOVING ESKIMOS. I'M SURE THEY'VE TAKENTHE PRINCESS. JUST LOOK AT THEM. LOUDMOUTH,SELF-CENTERED ASSHOLES. - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - LET'S GET 'EM!LET'S FUCK 'EM UP! WHAT?YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M SOME KIND OFESKIMO RACIST. WELL, I'M NOT!THINK ABOOT IT! BEFORE THE NOBLEWHITE MAN ARRIVED, CANADA WAS POPULATEDWITH THESE SNOW MONKEYS. WHO ELSE WOULD BE PISSED OFENOUGH AT CANADA TO KIDNAP OUR ROYALTY? OH, SHIT! - OKAY,IN FIFTEEN FUCKIN' MINUTES YOU ALL ARE NOT GONNA CAREABOUT THIS ANYMORE, SO I'LL JUST SAYWHAT I NEED TO SAY. THAT WAS THE WORST REHEARSALWE HAVE EVER HAD. WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAYFROM OPENING AND YOU'RE ALLFUCKIN' AROUND! - THAT'S BECAUSETOOTH DECAY SUCKS. - YEAH!- IT'S ALL TOOTH DECAY'S FAULT. - OH, DON'T PUT THISALL ON TOOTH DECAY! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,DENTAL FLOSS. YOU'RE NOT AS GOODAS YOU FUCKIN' THINK YOU ARE! YOU'RE ALREADY ACTINGLIKE YOU'RE A STAR AND WE HAVEN'T EVENOPENED YET! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES,DENTAL FLOSS. YOU'RE ABOUTTO BLOW YOUR SHOT!

- [speaking native language] Eskimos: OHH! - HE SAYS THAT THE TAKINGOF THE PRINCESS WAS FORETOLD. - [speaking native language] - HE SAYS ESKIMOSDO HATE US CANADIANS, BUT THAT THERE IS AN EVENBIGGER THREAT TO CANADA WHO HAS THE PRINCESS. - [speaking native language] - HE SAID THE EVILTHAT TOOK HER WASN'T CANADIAN AT ALL,BUT A BEAST WHO PREYS UPON PEOPLEOF ALL NATIONALITIES! THEY CAN LEAD USTO THE BEAST, BUT WE WILL HAVETO DESTROY IT! [school bell rings] - I DON'T KNOW WHATTHE GODDAMN PROBLEM IS. MAYBE YOU ALL DON'T KNOWHOW SERIOUS TOOTH DECAY IS, MAYBE YOU ALL JUST DON'T GIVEA FUCK. YOU ALL PROBABLY THINK YOU CANLIVE YOUR LIVES CAVITY FREE, MKAY, NEVER GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT THE PLAQUETHAT'S BUILDING ON YOUR TEETH. KYLE, YOU HAVESINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYED ALL THAT WHICH I WORKED ON FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS. AND SO I WANT YOUTO KNOW, KYLE, ONCE AND FOR ALL, WHY THIS WHOLEDENTAL HYGIENE THING IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. TWO YEARS AGO...[sniffles] I LOST MY FATHERTO TOOTH DECAY. MKAY? HE WAS AN INTELLIGENT,HARDWORKING MAN, AND MY WHOLE FAMILY WATCHEDAS TOOTH DECAY TOOK HIMIN THE BLINK OF AN EYE! YOU'VE BEEN TOLD TO BRUSHAND TO FLOSS, BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOWTHE IMPORTANCE BEHIND IT? DO YOU?

- [speaking native language] - THIS IS STUPID! I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'REMAKING A MISTAKE, KID! - AW, LEAVE THE KID ALONE,SCOTT. - WELL, WHAT ARE WE DOINGFOLLOWING THIS ICE BEANER? WE'VE BEEN WALKING AROUNDFOR HOURS! - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - DON'T WORRY. IF THERE'S ONE THINGESKIMOS ARE GOOD AT, IT'S FINDING THINGS. - ESKIMOS ARE GOODFOR NOTHING. I PAID ONE TO GIVE MEA BLOW JOB ONCE. ALL SHE DID WAS RUB HER NOSEAGAINST MY PENIS FOR 45 SECONDS,THEN ASKED ME TO PAY HER. GODDAMN POLAR GOOKS. - STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT! - OH, SO NOW I'M A DICK! - WAIT A MINUTE!LOOK! - AAH! - IT'S THE PRINCESS! - PRINCESS! all: ♪ YOUR TEETHARE YOUR FRIENDS ♪ ♪ THEY ARE FRIENDSIN YOUR MOUTH ♪ ♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR FRIENDS ♪ OR THEY'LL ROTAND FALL OUT ♪ - ♪ VISIT YOUR DENTIST ♪ HE IS YOUR FRIEND TOO - ♪ AND DENTAL FLOSS ALSO ♪ IS HERE TO HELP YOU - ♪ OH, NO, DENTAL FLOSS! ♪ WHAT WILL I DO? - FLAT! YOU'RE FLAT!

- PLEASE, SAVE ME! YOU HAVE TO HURRY.IT WANTS TO KILL ME! - WHO TOOK YOU, PRINCESS? - I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. I DIDN'T BELIEVE ITWAS REAL. OH, GOD!IT'S BEHIND YOU! - [roaring] - OF COURSE!THE EVIL ATOK-ATUK! THE DARK LORD THAT TAKESFROM ALL NATIONALITIES. IT'S...TOOTH DECAY! - I AM TOOTH DECAY! YOUR TEETH SHALL BE MINE! - I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYSBRUSHED AND FLOSSED AND AVOIDED SWEETS! - FART-LOVING TOOTH DECAY!I'LL FIX YOU! AAH! UNH! - [roars] - [speaking native language] UNH! AAH! - SAVE ME!SAVE ME! - [growls] - IT'S COMING FOR ME!HELP! - HELP! - PRINCESS, LOOK AWAY! - [screeching] [crackling] - WHAT THE-- YOU DID IT, KID! - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - OH, THANK YOU!THANK YOU!

A SERIOUS FUCKIN' LOOKAT YOURSELVES! MKAY? ACT ONE WAS PUREFUCKIN' DOG SHIT! IF TOOTH DECAYIS SINGING FLAT, THEN THE WHOLE FUCKIN' THINGSOUNDS FLAT! MKAY? - MR. MACKEY!MR. MACKEY! WE ARE PUTTING A STOPTO THIS PLAY. IT'S OVER. - WHAT? WHY? DON'T WORRY.ACT TWO WILL BE BETTER. THESE KIDS JUST AREN'TLISTENING TO ME. - NO, IT'S OVER. THEY GOT HIM, MR. MACKEY. TOOTH DECAY.THEY GOT THE SON OF A BITCH. - WHAT? - UP IN THE YUKON. ALL BUREAUSARE CONFIRMING IT. - YOU CAN LET IT GO, MACKEY. TOOTH DECAY IS GONE. - [sobbing] OH! OH, GOD! GO ON HOME, KIDS, MKAY. IT'S OVER. - WHAT?