Allow me a moment to vent

I’ll just get it out in the open air right out of the gate: I’ve been stressed lately. Quite a lot.

Here is where I shall explain a few reasons here and there as to what has led to the stress that has befallen myself. I will l leave personal issues out for privacy reasons, but just know that personal issues that involve things like love and family are also stacked up amongst the things mentioned here.

1: Expectations people seem to have for me. I don’t know if you guys have forgotten, but I have not changed from that kid who has ADD and could hardly ever focus on one thing growing up. That’s still me. A bit smoother around the edges now, but I have a lot more faults that people seem to take into consideration.

Whether they publicly state them or keep them to their own private circle of friends, people all around me expect way, way more from me than I can sanely offer.

Artists who want my acknowledgement, people who have sent messages time and time again with no reply, fanfiction writers who would like my review, among others - all these sound like small things from me to the person who has sent/drawn/written them. To many out there they seem small. Simply saying ‘Good job!’ or 'Hey I really like the thing you did there with the thing you did.’ seems like something that’d take very little out of my day and that I’m not appreciative because I don’t do such.

I don’t think you have any true idea of what it means to get this, by the THOUSANDS, every day. I am not some kind of public relations specialist, I am not amazing at interacting with others in social aspects. I’m a nerdy guy who finds solace by sitting in his room and being away from people. I’ve grown up as and have never changed from the fact that I’m an anti-social introvert. Talking to people drains me. Doing things with others becomes stressful over even a short period of time. Someone comes in my room while I am on the computer I freeze up and sit there awkwardly because I don’t feel comfortable even if they’re a family member.

I’m not someone who you should be relying on to give you what you want. I can barely hold my own as it is and having others and their issues/expectations thrown on top of my shoulders is overwhelming to me. Please understand this.

2: Assumptions are something that constantly goes around when people tend to think of me. People like to assume they know who I am, how I’d react to something, or assume the worst when I make a joke about something somewhere. They treat my existence like a fictional character that they can fuck with and do with what they like. Fuck just the other night I saw someone writing a fanfiction that used my real name (another thing I despise happening) about an abusive father and my brother and mother in tears.

Christ I’m right here. The fuck are you thinking?

3: Being seen as something more than a guy who simply plays video games, records it, edits it, and puts it online. People tend to argue about 'but we love you as a person!’ Well that’s fine. You are entirely free to do so and I greatly appreciate it, but where there’s you there’s still another thousand who would literally cease to function if I was in the same room as them.

It’s weird, uncomfortable, and doesn’t make sense to me. It never will. I’ve given it literally years and I still am not closer to understanding it than I was then.

4: The malicious nature of obsessed fangirls. Yes, straight up fangirls, nothing more than that. The ones who lash out like rabid wolves at people who I call my friends. Do you understand what kind of situation you put me in when you attack someone just on the basis that I talk to them?

They say things like I am only friends with them because of pity, or I don’t really care about them, or even 'He doesn’t need you.’

This kind of behavior is some of the most despicable, childish bullshit I have ever come across. I can generally handle myself when it comes to hate or vile spat at me, but when people whom I care for are attacked by people who are nothing more than jealous that the person is closer to me than they are, it leaves the worst taste in my mouth. I feel guilty for the pain they feel and it closes me up and makes me not wish to be as vocal with the community we have than I have been.

This. This is exactly why most people in my predicament do NOT talk to their viewers. Because some of the worst things a person can commit are things done under the influence of jealousy. Don’t try to mask your spite for someone by saying something like 'I’m not even jealous, I just hate their existence and everything they do.’

No. That’s bullshit and you refuse to admit it as such. You’re hurting them, going out of your way to make them feel pain, because you feel hurt they’re in better standing with someone who plays fucking video games than you are. God dammit just stop it.

5: YES. I MISSED THE BOW. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Okay, thanks. Bouncin’.

(Also I didn’t proof read because fuck it I’m venting not writing an essay to be graded.)