It Will Be Really Awkward to See All Those People I Had Sex With

A personal message to my three high school sexual conquests:

High School Girlfriend: Well, actually, part of me really does want to see you again. Y'know, just to assure you that I totally know what I'm doing sexually these days. Like when I have sex now, orgasms are actually involved. But I think it would be more awkward than cathartic. Pretty soon, old resentments would arise, and I'd have to confess that I actually faked my orgasms. (Guys can do that with condoms, unless, I guess, there's a vigilant post-coital prophylactic inspection.) And then you'll feel bad even though you shouldn't because seriously what guy can finish over the sounds of "Ow, stop. No. Are you doing that right?" So yeah, best not to see you.

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Sure it was hot having sex with you, Mrs. Kupnick, when I was 17 and you were a MILFy 38 -- but it was the 90s. Seeing you now would just be unseemly. Would you ask me to escort you to the annex for old time's sake? Will you be wearing some sort of body stocking and seek assistance from Industrial Light and Magic to reclaim your former glory? Or will you diss me completely to pursue the teenage son of some former student who brought his kids when the sitter got sick at the last minute? It's hard to say, but I don't want to be around for any of it.

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I was always a classic rock guy, and I hated you for what you did to Bowie and Queen's "Under Pressure," but when you came to my school's career day, damn, I just knew I had to be a complete embarrassment of a rapper when I grew up. And short of that, I had to get into that pair of oversized gold pants. Although I'd spent the first 18 years of my life as a heterosexual, and all the time since, for one magic day during senior year, I knew what it was like to own your ass just like Sug Knight, but with less crying. Let's not ruin it with a reunion. Shhh. Don't speak, baby. I love you because I love you.