Marijuana, gateway drug to Jesus / Does pot lead to total enlightenment? Rehab? Scientology? Let's find out!

All, the lovely mishmash collision of fact, lies, half-truths, dependency, god, and vaguely adorable cultism, all splayed out like a perfectly American buffet All, the lovely mishmash collision of fact, lies, half-truths, dependency, god, and vaguely adorable cultism, all splayed out like a perfectly American buffet Image 1 of / 3 Caption Close Marijuana, gateway drug to Jesus / Does pot lead to total enlightenment? Rehab? Scientology? Let's find out! 1 / 3 Back to Gallery

Behold! I believe I have found it, a flawless specimen, a place where it all collides and coheres and comes together in a madcap, slapdash, whirlwind hellstorm of entirely bogus hype and spin and half-truths, intermixed with hope and despair and Jesus and not just a little methadone, all of it so wonderful and confusing it makes you want to shut it all down, run a hot bath, light up a joint and chill the hell out.

It's all here. I even took a screenshot of it, just to show you. Two, actually. I'll link to them in a moment, because I really, really want you to see The Whole Truth, in all Its Profound Glory. Ready?

The first comes in the form a big study from the University of Pittsburgh, 12 years in the making, that valiantly attempts to answer, with some reasonable authority, the question that's already been answered pretty definitively by 500 million pot smokers throughout world history and also by every ounce of common sense in every commonsensical human alive today, but who cares about that now?

Here's the big question:

Is marijuana a gateway drug to harder, more dangerous 'n' deadly substances later in life? Did a bunch of kids who smoked pot in their teens go on to become addicts and criminals and Libertarians? Did they ruin their lives via meth and coke and sundry other delicious demons in anything resembling dangerous or enlightening percentages, enough that we could finally declare, once and for all, that pot really does lead to destruction and not, as so widely presumed, merely to kinkier sex and fits of uncontrollable laughter and the consumption of rather nauseating food combinations you would never entertain otherwise?

You already know the answer. Marijuana, it turns out for the billionth time, is not a gateway drug at all. Not even a little. Which is not to say excessive pot use throughout one's life is not a gateway to becoming, say, a bit of a slothful 'n' lumpish fan of unwashed dreadlocks and reggae festivals and bad pizza. But that's a different study.

But that's not the fun part. The fun part is what you can see right there on the Science Blog page -- here's a link to the first screenshot -- where I read the article in question.

Look over there, just to the left, where the kindly Google AdSense system automatically places related goodies that it scientifically calculates you, the troubled, sinful, pot-smoking reader, might be deeply interested in, given your sinful, illegal predilections.

Hey, look there, it's an ad for not one, but two drug rehab centers near you. Isn't that thoughtful? And below that, a lovely ad for online Bible study. Wow, thanks, Google! You sure as hell nailed my needs.

Let me see if I have it right so far: Pot is not the slightest bit dangerous, really, but if you're reading this, here's a hugely expensive, almost totally ineffectual rehab clinic anyway, and if you missed that one here's another one, and by the way you could probably use more Jesus in your life because if you're interested in pot you are clearly a lost and wayward loser, or your husband/sister/child is, and what kid doesn't need lots and lots of expensive rehab and Jesus?

But that's not even the best part. The best part is right there in the middle of the article. See it? That scary-looking ad about "Getting the Facts" about pot, with the word '"marijuana" nicely blasted into some hairy, horror-movie font, all sponsored by a group called the Foundation for a Drug-Free World? Hey, Foundation: 1977 called. It wants its corny alarmism back.

Let us now click on that scary ad. Whoosh, we are whisked straight over to a wacky, expensive multimedia site from the Drug-Free World people -- here's screenshot #2 -- full of video clips and anti-drug propaganda, brochures and studies and "educational" info, some of it featuring "real" people telling their stories of drug-induced horror and of selling their wife into slavery to score another gin and tonic. Awful!

The kicker: The link actually launches right into a video clip about pot, where the hunky, stoned teen intones the killer line of all: "They said marijuana wasn't a gateway drug. (puff, swoon, snort). They lied."

Isn't that great? Right in the middle of a scientific article saying pot is not a gateway drug, an ad saying they are lying and pot totally is a gateway drug because ... well, it just is.

And who, pray tell, is the Foundation for a Drug-Free World? Why look, 15 seconds of searching (dear God, is there anything Google can't do?) reveals it's none other than ... those wacky Scientologists. What a shock.

(By the way, I find I absolutely adore the unicorns 'n' bunnies utopia implied in the phrase "a drug-free world." Sort of like saying "a dust-free desert," or "a salt-free ocean" or "an adultery-free Republican party." It's like they let an oversheltered child come up with their name. "Partnership for No More Icky Things Like, Ever").

And lo, we come full circle, swinging wide and full through a multimedia maelstrom of mixed messages, anti-drug PR bulls--t and funhouse misinformation, where tentative science collides with alarmist rhetoric rubs up against your sad need to give yourself over to blind religious faith so you don't have to think too much ever again.

All of it smashing headlong into professionally produced, dour propaganda funded by one of the weirdest and most litigious "religions" in the known universe, the founder of which was rumored and alleged to be quite the drug user all by his ownself. Neat!

Hey, check it out. I'm reading about the scientifically proven non-dangers of marijuana! I shall soon enter drug rehab and study the Bible and join the cult of Scientology, so I can, if their videos are to be believed, stop going to the beach on warm, lazy summer days with my friends and lighting up a bong as hot, skinny girls squirm around me in fast-motion and the world slips by in a hazy blur.

It's all beginning to make perfect sense, isn't it?

Mark Morford's latest book is 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism'. Join Mark on Facebook and Twitter, or email him. His website is markmorford.com. For his yoga classes, workshops and retreats, click markmorfordyoga.com.

Mark's column appears every Wednesday on SFGate, and is frequently cross-posted to Huffington Post. To join the notification list for this column, click here and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal mailing list, click here and remove three more.

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