IN an episode of the classic science fiction TV series, The Twilight Zone, astronaut Major Robert Gaines returns to Earth and discovers he has slipped into a surreal parallel universe in which everything looks the same but nothing makes sense.

Just like Major Gaines, if you rely for your news on the ABC, the Fairfax press, the Guardian, ­Crikey, the Saturday paper, Channel Ten, a good chunk of the Canberra press gallery, Twitter, or any of the plethora of Left-leaning media outlets in Australia, you are destined to be perpetually surprised by real-life events.

As Tony Abbott stumbles across the world stage like an antipodean George Bush, Canada (or Canadia in Tony talk) becomes the latest nation to be embarrassed on Australia’s behalf.

- Chris Roylance, Paddington Qld Sub-type: comment CAPTION: As Tony Abbott stumbles across the world stage like an antipodean George Bush, Canada (or Canadia in Tony talk) becomes the latest nation to be embarrassed on Australia’s behalf. - Chris Roylance, Paddington Qld

This is the parallel world in which Prime Minister Tony Abbott is a “Nigel No Friends”, embarrassing Australia on the world stage while copping a frosty reception from the US President.

The Age’s front page thundered last week that Abbott was endangering Australia’s relationship with the US because of his “global plan to kill carbon pricing”.

ABC’s Radio National was breathless with anticipation at the looming rift between the The Prime Minister and President Obama on climate change.

“Tony Abbott is leading the world in going backwards” was the headline on the Sydney Morning Herald’s letters pages on one of the many days of self-flagellation.

“As Tony Abbott stumbles across the world stage like an antipodean George Bush, Canada (or Canadia in Tony talk) becomes the latest nation to be embarrassed on Australia’s behalf,” wrote Chris ­Roylance of the “other” Paddington, in Queensland.

“I am embarrassed by our Prime Minister,” wailed Elizabeth Frankel from Good Hope Landing (as good a parallel universe address as could be). “Watching him during his trip abroad makes me cringe to be Australian.”

Meanwhile, in the parallel world, Melbourne radio host Jon Faine, of Winkgate fame, claimed last week to have bombshell evidence of a conspiracy to destroy Julia Gillard that the Royal Commission into Union Corruption could not examine. Sub-type: comment CAPTION: Meanwhile, in the parallel world, Melbourne radio host Jon Faine, of Winkgate fame, claimed last week to have bombshell evidence of a conspiracy to destroy Julia Gillard that the Royal Commission into Union Corruption could not examine.

Images of President Obama warmly embracing the Prime Minister must have perplexed consumers of parallel media.

Twitter had a quick explanation: that Obama was a good actor, with the diplomatic skill, patience and tolerance required of a real leader ... And Abbott should be taking notes.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the White House dismissed any talk about disharmony over climate change policy as “all hat and no cattle”.

Similarly mystifying must have been the praise heaped on Abbott’s sure-footed diplomacy by

media_camera President Barack Obama talks with Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott in the Oval Office this week. Picture: AP Pablo Martinez

media_camera Australian PM Tony Abbott arrives at Ambassador Kim Beazley's residence in Washington DC. Picture: Jake Nowakowski

Kim Beazley, the Labor leader turned US ambassador, and the positive reception the PM has received wherever he has travelled.

Meanwhile, in the parallel world, Melbourne radio host Jon Faine, of Winkgate fame, claimed last week to have bombshell evidence of a conspiracy to destroy Julia Gillard that the Royal Commission into Union Corruption could not examine.

He read aloud, as if it were holy writ, bits of a self-serving statement by Gillard’s ex-boyfriend Bruce Wilson, who was about to testify about his role — and hers — in the AWU slush fund scandal.

media_camera Melbourne radio host Jon Faine, of Winkgate fame, claimed last week to have bombshell evidence of a conspiracy to destroy Julia Gillard that the Royal Commission into Union Corruption could not examine.

media_camera Melbourne radio host Jon Faine read aloud a self-serving statement by Gillard’s ex-boyfriend Bruce Wilson, who was about to testify about his role — and hers — in the AWU slush fund scandal.

If you want to distract from damning testimony unfolding in the commission, clearly Faine’s your man.

But Commissioner Dyson Heydon, a former High Court judge on Thursday dismissed those conspiracy allegations as irrelevant, and ruled that the pages of Wilson’s statement that had so excited Faine be blanked out.

Over on the sports end of the dial, ABC’s rugby league caller Warren Ryan has had to resign for saying “old darky”, when quoting from the movie Gone With The Wind. His offsider is under investigation for laughing.

Ryan was trying to make a point about perseverance while calling a match last month between the Sydney Roosters and the Canterbury Bulldogs. He was immediately branded a racist and was suspended indefinitely.

Last week’s Q&A show, which was billed as a panel of wise elders, ended up being one rational man, former NSW Liberal leader Peter Coleman, amid a sea of geriatric moaners lamenting humans were the scourge of the planet. Sub-type: comment CAPTION: Last week’s Q&A show, which was billed as a panel of wise elders, ended up being one rational man, former NSW Liberal leader Peter Coleman, amid a sea of geriatric moaners lamenting humans were the scourge of the planet.

But the offending phrase is a ­direct quote from the classic 1939 movie, and it is used nine times in Margaret Mitchell’s book about Civil War America.

Uncle Peter is the “faithful old darky” a freed slave who Scarlett loves and whom she defends when “a bunch of insolent ignorant ­aggorant conqueror,” Yankee women call him a “nigger”.

Producer David O. Selznick wanted to keep the “N” word in the movie script but ended up replacing replaced it with a word deemed less demeaning: “darkie.” The lesson is, don’t go quoting old movies in 21st century Australia.

Ryan, 73, refused to apologise, saying ‘‘there is no appeasing those who are determined to be off-ended”. He probably should have avoided using the phrase, given the febrile state of perpetual offendees, but the ABC’s double standards are a joke.

media_camera ABC’s rugby league caller Warren Ryan has had to resign for saying “old darky”, when quoting from the movie Gone With The Wind. His offsider is under investigation for laughing.

In parallel world, the national broadcaster was unrepentant when The Chaser photoshopped a picture of journalist Chris Kenny’s face onto a photo of a man having sex with a dog.

It wasn’t until Kenny launched defamation action that a grudging apology was aired.

Q&A is yet another offering from the multiverse that tends to make conservatives reach for the off button. However, it’s valuable for one reason: it’s a sort of wormhole, which gives you a view into the belly of the beast.

Last week’s Q&A show, which was billed as a panel of wise elders, ended up being one rational man, former NSW Liberal leader Peter Coleman, amid a sea of geriatric moaners lamenting humans were the scourge of the planet.

“One of the big problems is progress,” opined Betty Churcher.

Yep, that will do as the motto for this parallel universe of Leftist thought, which is inhabited by ­unrecognisable characters and ­impossible truths.

Read Claire Harvey’s column for the real story behind the Gone With The Wind racism debate.

NANNY STATE IS A REAL GOAT Sub-type: comment CAPTION: NANNY STATE IS A REAL GOAT Sub-type: comment CAPTION: NANNY STATE IS A REAL GOAT

Punitive laws with little logical benefit are increasingly the norm in NSW. Whether it’s 40km/h speed limits in the city, revenue-raising speed cameras or draconian alcohol regulations in Kings Cross, we are like frogs in boiling water as our freedom is stripped away.

Ultimately this erodes the moral authority of the law.

Lowering the speed at which vehicles travel in the CBD, for instance, is supposed to protect pedestrians from being run over. But, anecdotally at least, any rise in pedestrian accidents is due to inattentive people wearing earphones and staring at mobile phones while crossing the road. The only way to keep such zombies safe is to ban vehicles altogether.

In Kings Cross, the introduction of ID scanners at pubs and clubs will simply increase the efficiency with which inebriates are excluded. All that does is ensure you have more angry drunks and druggies roaming the streets, which is the most dangerous place. It’s on the street where young men have died after being punched, not generally on the carpet of a drinking establishment.

FOOTY CAN SHOW SENSE Sub-type: comment CAPTION: FOOTY CAN SHOW SENSE Sub-type: comment CAPTION: FOOTY CAN SHOW SENSE

Bravo to the Footy Show and the NRL for their sensitive handling of the hidden scourge of male suicide and depression last week. The “NRL State of Mind” TV ad by Paul Gallen and Nate Myles encouraging men to talk about their feelings is humorous and real. “It doesn’t have to be awkward.” Seek help.

SOUR GRAPES AND WHINE Sub-type: comment CAPTION: SOUR GRAPES AND WHINE Sub-type: comment CAPTION: SOUR GRAPES AND WHINE

Why so many sour grapes at Miss Universe Australia? No sooner had bubbly Tegan Martin been crowned than sore losers started whining that the vote had been rigged. The truth is that Tegan was better on the day. Suck it up, girls.