'I am not a man or a woman': what it means to be genderqueer

Updated

When it comes to gender the world tends to divide people into two categories: male and female. But some people identify as neither or something in between.

Miss, Ms, Mrs, Mr? M or F?

Ticking boxes on any form can be tricky when you identify as neither male nor female.

It's a constant source of frustration for Melbourne teenager Sam Lilit.

"If you're not a doctor, you don't need to know what part's between my legs," Sam said.

"If I'm signing up for something you almost certainly don't need to know what gender I am."

Definition: Genderqueer Adjective of or relating to, or designating a person who does not identify as either male or female or who feels that they are a little bit of both, and therefore not fully the stereotype of either gender.

The 18-year-old identifies as genderqueer or non-binary - not exclusively male or female.

Assigned female at birth, this revelation came when Sam was eight years old and reading Enid Blyton's The Famous Five.

There was a character who was born Georgina but went by the name George.

"The character went by masculine pronouns but didn't let anyone call him a boy either, and I thought 'I want to be that person'," Sam said.

While too young to know exactly why, as a teenager it became more apparent.

"A lot of people's conception of transgender is [that a person is] born with these parts, but wants the 'opposite' body parts... so they say 'oh that means you identify as a boy'. No," Sam said.

"Without the internet I'm not sure I would have ever found the right vocabulary to explain what this was or found anyone else who identified as non-binary and know that it was an actual thing."

When it comes to referring to genderqueer people in the third-person, conversation can be tricky.

In place of he/she, him/her and his/hers, there are many new third-person pronouns used by transgender people. A common one is ze, hir and hirs.

Often as part of their transition, genderqueer people will agree on a new pronoun to be used among family and friends.

Sam prefers they, them and their.

The Oxford Dictionary officially added Mx this year, as an alternative honorific for people who don't fit into being Mr, Mrs, Ms or Miss.

While some elements of social life can be uncomfortable for Sam, some relief has come in being part of a progressive Jewish youth movement called Netzer, which has been open and accepting.

"Having youth movements like Netzer, there are places I can go and know that I don't always have to be cautious about what someone's going to say next.

"They're not going to split us into men and women and that sort of thing."

In the future Sam plans to look into medical treatment, including hormone replacement therapy, as part of their transition.

The aim would be a more gender-neutral appearance.

But like most gender reassignment, the process is costly and mentally taxing.

"You need one or two mental health professionals to claim you are the gender that you claim you are," Sam said.

"All they do is ask a bunch of invasive and dehumanising and dismissive questions that you could lie about anyway if you know that they'll deny you the medical treatment you need to feel happy and comfortable.

"Transgender people understand their personal identity and gender better than anybody else possibly could, because they're experiencing it and no-one else is."

'I don't believe the body should be gendered'

Mikey McLeish also identifies as genderqueer.

Assigned female at birth, Mikey had always struggled with a sense of identity and as a teenager spent time as a transgender guy.

"I spent a long time feeling a bit lost and confused.

"My family have tried to be supportive but not always been all that successful because they don't always understand what that means."

I'm not a believer in raising children as specific gender identities until they say what they want to be. Mikey McLeish

A few years ago, Mikey came across Minus 18, a youth-led organisation for same-sex attracted and gender-diverse young people.

Today Mikey feels comfortable being referred to as non-binary.

"I'm of the strong belief that my gender shouldn't be defined by anyone else's perception of it."

The 21-year-old would like to see a world where a person's gender is not automatically dictated by their genitals.

"I don't believe in assigned gender at birth, I don't believe the body should be inherently gendered in any way.

"I'm not a believer in raising children as specific gender identities until they say what they want to be, but that's probably far too radical for most of the world.

"Destructing that is an important part of including everyone's identity."

In the meantime Sam and Mikey would like to see a world where people feel comfortable asking what pronouns a person would prefer, and a society free of what they think are unnecessary gender references - from forms and Facebook to shopping aisles and school.

"Children do not need a boy's aisle and a girl's aisle," Sam said.

"We're artificially putting people into boxes.

"And a lot of this surprisingly overlaps with what would help achieve gender equality between men and women."

Topics: community-and-society, human-interest, melbourne-3000

First posted