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Being a Good LGBTQ+ Ally or Advocate

Support is an important part of people feeling safe and included in gaming. With all the xenophobia and hate crimes out there, our LGBTQ+ friends need backup. Sure, maybe you don’t discriminate, but people are still beaten to death for this. Maybe do more than be neutral. If you’re up for it, let’s talk about how to be a good advocate for correct pronoun use.



Why is this your job? Look, it doesn’t have to be, but don’t you wish someone was around to tell people off for you when you were being picked on at school, at work, or by your own family? I’m not here to demand or expect your unwavering commitment to this endeavor, but you could be that person you once wished for.



Make someone’s day with your support. Not only does it send a powerful message to your friend that they are not alone, but it also communicates the same to the person you are correcting. That is some serious social signaling that their behavior needs to change.

Check in With Your LGBTQ+ Fellow Players

Like many nerds, possibly with a higher percentage rate, plenty of trans and nonbinary gamers have social anxiety or some other block to standing up for themselves. Some are just plain tired. When literal fear for your life is part of growing up, you tend to be hesitant about self-advocacy. Check on your fellow players to make sure they are doing okay. Ask if they need any help correcting people who misgender them. You will almost certainly make their day by making them feel respected.

Calmly Correct

A simple, low-key correction is all you need. Don’t launch into your Thesis on the Merits of Correctly Using Pronouns. You will be tuned out. Keep it calm and brief, but direct. Don’t scream their mistake to the high heavens, but make sure they hear you. In short: Educate, don’t berate.

Here are a few examples to help you out:

“They use they/them pronouns, friend.”

“Hey, she goes by she/her.”

“Bud, He/him are his pronouns.”

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash

Don’t Be a Dick – Unless They Are

This goes along with our post on leaving effective feedback. Being overly negative causes a person to become defensive and shut down. They won’t be doing any growing if you beat them over the head with a shovel. Getting someone to change their mind is extremely difficult, and brute force doesn’t cut it.



Don’t be passive-aggressive either. People notice and will stop listening if you do that shit. Be genuine and as polite as you can manage. I know the urge to slap people in the face rises up with a swift and vibrant fury in many of us, but you need to know when it is wiser to approach someone peacefully.

When someone is being outright hostile about pronouns, they no longer deserve diplomacy. Transphobia, enby-phobia, and stubborn refusal to be respectful is unacceptable. Don’t play nice with these jerks. Flat out tell them to use the right pronouns or walk away. They are being a dick.

Normalize Declaring Everyone’s Pronouns

Even (or perhaps especially) if you both present and identify as cisgender, bringing up pronouns in conversation casually is an extremely powerful way to make people comfortable with the concept. When you meet someone for the first time, toss your pronouns onto your introduction: “Hi, I’m Cheyenne, any pronouns. What about you?”



Or, you could skip to asking them theirs, even if you know they are definitely cis. “Hi, I’m Cheyenne, nice to meet you. What are your pronouns?” This will make it easier for your LGBTQ+ friends in earshot to feel safe and welcome to declare their own pronouns, without fear holding them back.



You can also apply this to introductions between others, though I’d advise checking with your friends first to make sure it’s okay. You never know who is in a closet and needs that little bit of light poking through the door to keep them going.



Note: Like our big text image says in Pronouns and Practice, try not to call a person’s pronouns their “preferred” pronouns. This implies too heavily that they do not have full ownership of their identity. Instead, just call them “pronouns” or “personal pronouns”.

Photo by Shane Rounce on Unsplash

When You Meet Resistance, Win Them Over

Obviously, I mean people who aren’t being active dicks but are genuinely just uninformed and uncomfortable with change.

People have trouble changing, especially something as ingrained as automatically assigning pronouns to everyone they meet. Change is hard. If someone is not working to fix pronoun usage after multiple corrections, something will need to motivate them. If you are up for it, your first step is building trust. Trust makes people listen.



Humans are far simpler than we like to think. Psychology explains that the best way to convince someone you are right is to make them aware of how you are similar to them. Knowledge of common ground will tell the primitive parts of the other person’s brain you can be trusted, because your interests match their own. In other words, the best way to get someone to open up to a new idea is to show them you are part of their social group.



This common ground trust establishment can involve any number of commonalities. You just need to find one, even a small one, to get them to truly listen to you. The topic possibilities are endless, but here are some ideas:

Shared backgrounds, such as religious parents, small schools, etc

Telling them you once stood where they stand and changed

Games, sports, or food you both like (or despise)

Mutual home states, cities, etc

Similar past traumas

The process of building this trust is not likely to be instantaneous, and you are probably best served getting to know the person first. Patiently establish trust, and help the person grow. Remember that you are ultimately just one person, you are not being paid to provide therapy, and you have your limits. All of that is okay.



If you would like more in-depth information and ideas on accomplishing this, check out Psychology Today and Inc.com. Both have useful, navigable posts on this topic.

Some People Won’t Change

Sometimes, people just aren’t ready or willing to put in effort to remember the pronouns of others. It is okay to fail at getting them to be considerate. Rather than seeing it as basic respect for someone, they see it as an inconvenience to themselves. One which they don’t plan to suffer.

You can only do so much. Just cut these people out and move on. When someone is ready to change, they will. If you plant the seed and it doesn’t grow, give it a few winters. Maybe one day it will bloom.

Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

Punch Nazis

I don’t have much to add to this header. I just felt I should say it, in case you thought I was a pacifist. I’m not. I also understand that if people wanted the LGBTQ+ community to play nice, they should have treated them better.



If you are unable to always peacefully engage, that is perfectly understandable. I’m not. Horrible things are happening to LGBTQ+ folx every day around the world. The passion ignited by this knowledge is hard to hold back in the face of ignorance. Just take a deep breath and stay strong. Do what you can. Be kind, and have fun!



