SexIs ("what you want it to be")





Polyamory for Monogamists



By Kal Cobalt



Whether you're the one excited about trying poly or the partner who's been approached to open up the relationship, you don't have to just guess and hope about the outcome of this venture....



There are all kinds of types who get interested in exploring polyamory, but the same few hurdles keep catching folks who give it a try. Armed with a few specifics, you have a better chance of successfully navigating your way past them into polyamory — or figuring out early on that it's not for you and your partner....



Ask Yourself: Why Do I Want This?



If your reason for wanting to try poly runs along the lines of "I can understand how I could love more than one person at a time" or "It would be interesting to watch my partner fuck someone else or hear about it afterward," you have a reasonable likelihood of moving toward poly.



If, however, your reason is something like "My partner wants to give it a try and I don't see why not," "Sex without strings attached could be cool," or "I love the idea of fucking whoever I want," you may not be as likely to succeed as you think. Polyamory, unlike open relationships or swinging, is not about freewheeling sex. Your relationships will often depend on how your other relationships feel about them.



Going poly because it doesn't seem like a big deal is a recipe for disaster — it is a big deal. Think of your mono or poly orientation as similar to your sexual orientation: you can experiment with it, but going against your historical orientation just because your partner wants it is unlikely to turn out well....



Ask Your Partner: Why Do You Want This?



Here's a common scenario: You read something about poly and you realize you're interested. You read more, think about it for a few days, and decide you want to try it.... You approach your partner with the great idea... and when your partner doesn't immediately respond favorably, you feel trapped by your jealous, controlling partner.



Meanwhile, from the other side, it feels like this: You feel that your relationship is going pretty well. Suddenly, your partner blurts out that they want to date other people — while still being with you, of course. You sit quietly for a moment, trying to figure out whether this means your relationship is falling apart....



...Polyamory to placate one partner doesn't work, which should come as no surprise; doing anything solely to placate one partner usually results in peace for a limited time followed by a great big blowout...



...Here are a few things you'll want to think about in advance and watch out for.



Jealousy. If this is not a problem for you, you aren't out of the woods. Polyamory means you have at least two other people's potential jealousies to take into account....



Mixing polyamory and monogamy. Sometimes, when one partner is interested in polyamory and the other is not, this solution comes to mind: Partner A will be polyamorous, and Partner B will be monogamous to Partner A, and everyone will be happy. I am here to tell you that this works only once in a blue moon....



Mixing priority levels. Most often, polyamory ends up existing in a hierarchy.... While this isn't how all poly is structured, it's the most common way. Mixing happens when, for example, Partner A is your primary...but you're Partner A's secondary....



Don't Give Up...Until It's Time



I'm not trying to scare you off polyamory. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I couldn't imagine my life any other way....





The new online and print magazine SexIs ("taking sex positivity to a whole new level") is getting a lot of notice, judging from my Google Alerts. It's published by EdenFantasys , "the sex shop you can trust," a woman-oriented distributor of adult toys that also provides "education about topics of healthy sexual activity. We believe that the safe, consensual expression of sexuality is a wonderful and crucial part of human life."The magazine looks serious; it has a lot of professional content and has brought in some of the sex-positive world's name writers. It just published this:Read the whole article (May 2, 2011).Two relevant Yahoo discussion groups: Livingpolymono , which "exists primarily to provide support to polyamorous people with monogamous partners," and PolyMono ,"a support group for monogamous people in a committed relationship with someone who is polyamorous."Both have been active since 2002.

Labels: monogamy, Poly 101