Hordes of Syrian man-children are currently invading Britain – ‘kids’ who look at least ten years older than they claim. The Home Office says it would be quite, quite wrong to test their age by examining their teeth because that would be “inappropriate and unethical”.

Using your skill and judgement, see if you can guess which aspect of this scandal is most troubling the British celebrity chattering classes, aka the Wankerati.

Is it:

a) Potentially dangerous illegal migrants are burning their passports and lying about their age in order to take advantage of the gullibility, inefficiency and political correctness of Britain’s immigration officers and gain citizenship to which they are in no way entitled, at the expense of more deserving candidates and without the consent of the British people, who are going to be stuck forever with these cheating scumbags;

b) The French. It’s the bloody French’s fault. They’ve been desperate to get rid of the violent, sexually predatory, criminal mob of migrants making life hell for everyone in the Calais Jungle and this “Zut alors! But we thought all Syrian children had crow’s feet, walking sticks and white beards!” buck-passing is their devious French way of getting rid of a few of them, knowing the English will be too polite to complain:

c) Britain’s hard-pressed social services are being overwhelmed. As Harriet Sergeant reports in this must-read article in the Daily Mail, workers in residential care homes are now wearily used to having to house refugees in their 20s and 30s masquerading as children. Naturally, this has a disastrous effect on both the local schools forced to take these patently unsuitable adults into their classrooms, and also on the care homes where these dodgy young men corrupt the real children with drugs, alcohol, and sex.

Yes, you guessed correctly: it’s none of the above.

Instead, what most exercises the Wankerati is this one:

d) Expressing any form of reservation about migrants is racist and evil.

Taking the lead on this issue was Lily Allen, the privileged millionaire pop starlet daughter of a millionaire comedy actor, best known for her songs about cocaine hangovers, wet patches on bedsheets, and the one about how awful racists are which goes: “Fuck you. Fuck you very mu-u-u-u-ch.” (I’m actually quite a fan, btw. But that racist song one really was quite demeaningly trite and lame and she really should have nixed it.)

Lily went to visit the Calais Jungle for a few hours and was moved to tears by the plight of a 13-year old (or so he claimed) boy from Afghanistan. It subsequently emerged that the boy’s father had been a commander in the Islamist group Hezb-e Islami, led by the Butcher of Kabul, Gulbuddin Hekmatyar – but had fled to Britain when it became clear that his side were about to be defeated by the British- and U.S.-backed Northern Alliance. Lily nonetheless felt compelled to apologise on behalf of her country – and then to accuse critics who called her on this of being “Nazis”.

But Lily was merely the bellwether for the celebrity flock who, in the last few days, have been bleating ever more noisily about how terrible it is to criticise refugees, even refugees who claim to be 13 but have the skin, bone-structure, and manner of men fast approaching middle age.

Here’s Gary Lineker.

Wonder what makes some people feel, by sheer good fortune of place of birth, superior to others. I need a lie down. — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) October 19, 2016

(Lineker – for the benefit of U.S. readers – is Britain’s foremost potato chip salesman and was formerly a successful football player.)

What really sent the Wankerati into virtue-signalling overdrive, however, was when they thought they’d spotted a weakness in the refugee opponents’ case.

Apparently, one of the grown-up looking refugee children that nasty right-wing people, including the nasty right-wing Sun, had criticised on Twitter wasn’t actually pretending to be a child at all: he was an interpreter!!!

Great was the rejoicing in Wankerdom at this wonderful news. It meant that everyone who had attacked the lovely, sweet, enriching man-children refugees wasn’t just evil – but ignorant and wrong, too.

Cue, much hopping aboard the Twitter Outrage Bus. (I would put up their tweets but unfortunately the key one has since been taken down so they make no sense.) Among the passengers: Gary Lineker, activist blonde Caroline Criado Perez, comedy scriptwriter David Schneider…

But then – as Guido first spotted – disaster struck. It turned out the story was false – the result of a misunderstanding (or possibly worse) by a charity called TACT care.

Well, fine. But even supposing for a moment they hadn’t been revealed in this way to be self-serving, gullible, virtue-signalling fools desperate to believe any old tittle-tattle which served their cause, even supposing that this particular guy had been an actual interpreter – then so what? Would that invalidate the myriad of other examples of refugee children who patently aren’t children but grown-ups? (In Britain, last year, according to Eurostate, 3045 unaccompanied minors claimed asylum, of which 91 per cent were male and only 8 per cent were under 14.)

Or is it perhaps, yet another case of the Wankerati doing what they always do: clutching at straws, burying their heads in the sand, and seizing yet another opportunity to pontificate and virtue-signal about a problem that isn’t going to affect them much, cushioned as they are by money and celebrity.