Two months ago, I decided I was sick of rainy weather, stuck-up hipsters and high taxes and left New York for the Philippines. My friend Mark Zolo recommended the place as my first stop abroad because of Filipinos’ near-universal English fluency and love of all things American. Having slept with more girls in the past two months then in the previous year, I can safely say that the Philippines is a country every American man should visit.

Filipinas are so beautiful and feminine that any white girl who sets foot in this country should be placed on suicide watch. Just the other day, I saw an Australian girl waddling around outside the immigration office. She was twenty pounds overweight, had buck teeth, and was seething with an aura of resentment and sexual frustration endemic to white girls in Southeast Asia. It’s clear that wherever she came from, she was used to men kissing her ass just for being female, but in a land where girls are feminine and take care of themselves, she’s been relegated to freak show status.

Nonetheless, in the spirit of constructive criticism, I have a few pointers to help my melanin-challenged sisters deal with the new Yellow Peril.

1. Lose some weight, fatty.

While American fast food franchises like McDonald’s and KFC have made a disturbing amount of progress in the Philippines, the population as a whole is nowhere near Western levels of obesity. The average Filipina weighs about 95 pounds soaking wet and is so light I can scoop her up in my arms like a baby. If I tried doing that with your gwailo ass, I’d be looking at a trip to the emergency room.

Look, nobody likes fat girls, not even fat girls themselves. If you want men to treat you like a human being, you better maintain a human shape. Lay off the cronuts, go to the gym, and start skipping meals. The boner wants what it wants, and what it doesn’t want is a duck-footed, buck-toothed Pillsbury Doughgirl.

2. Put down your iPhone.

Smartphones are ubiquitous in the Philippines, almost as bad as back in the U.S. Even poor people here have flip phones, and you can buy calling cards at street eateries alongside local delicacies like tuna panga. Yet Filipinas aren’t obsessed with their phones the same way white girls are. You’ll never see a Filipina hunched over her iPhone at a bar or the beach, obsessively checking her Instagram likes and taking selfies; she’s too busy having fun with her family or friends.

White girls use their smartphones as a crutch to avoid social interaction. Every encounter they have with another human being has to be mediated by a screen, even sleazy hookups (see: Tinder). White girls are becoming so socially retarded due to iPhone addiction that they’re starting to interpret innocuous remarks and cramped subways as misogynistic oppression. If you want men to find you attractive again, stop babbling about “rape culture,” put down the phone and start talking to people.

3. Don’t be a slut.

Like all Asian countries, the Philippines has its fair share of “yellow cabs,” slutty girls who specifically seek out white guys for hookups. But there are also a lot of girls who stay virgins well into their twenties. Filipinas know that chastity is one of the most valuable traits a girl can have, so they don’t just give themselves up to any guy who winks at them.

White girls will spend their youth sitting on a big bucket of dongs, then as their looks fade away, they whine about how there are “no good men left.” If you don’t want men to treat you like a cheap whore, don’t act like one.

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4. Be appreciative.

Every Filipina I’ve taken on a date so far has texted me afterwards thanking me for taking them out. My current girlfriend tells me “I love you” every time we get together. She knows that while I love her back, if we were to break up tomorrow, I would have my pick of beautiful young women just like her. She appreciates me because I’m a good man who cares about her, and because she feels honored that I chose her out of so many eligible bachelorettes.

White girls are completely self-centered when it comes to relationships. They think that the smelly hole between their legs entitles them to princess treatment and that men should be grateful to even be speaking to them. Then they wonder why the only men they can attract are losers and wusses. Real men don’t put up with selfish little brats, so if you want a good man, you better be grateful for him when he comes along. Ask not what your man can do for you, but what you can do for your man.

5. Treat marriage and family seriously

White girls love to delude themselves about how women from poorer countries are “golddiggers” and “mail-order brides,” but all the Filipinas I’ve dated so far are college-educated and middle class. In fact, my girlfriend is technically more educated than I am (she’s studying to become a nurse). Yet Filipinas don’t fetishize their college degrees and jobs the way white girls do. Ask a Filipina what she really wants, and they’ll all say the same thing: a husband and children. Jobs are something they do to get money and nothing more.

Girls are designed to bear children from their late teens up to their late twenties. After thirty, female fertility starts to drop off, and menopause kills it entirely. If you want kids, forget about your “career” and start thinking about getting married now. If that sounds regressive, I’m sorry, but that’s life. Your boring data entry or pumpkin spice latte-slinging job won’t love you until death do you part, but a husband and a family will.

6. Find a higher cause.

Filipino culture is still largely dominated by the Catholic Church, which is why divorce, adultery, and abortion are all illegal here. While I’m not religious myself, there’s something to be said for living in a society that is animated by a higher purpose. The average Filipina attends Mass weekly, believes in God, and tries her best to live up to His commandments, even if she doesn’t always succeed. The moral framework provided by Catholicism is in part why the Philippines is far less dysfunctional then Thailand, Cambodia and other countries in the region.

God is dead in the West, and white girls have replaced Him with consumerism and celebrity worship. That’s why they get more upset over a rich actress getting her phone hacked then by hundreds of girls getting raped by Pakistani immigrants. You don’t have to become a devout Christian, but you should find some purpose in your life aside from mindless consumption. Instead of reading Buzzfeed, try picking up a good book. Instead of playing Candy Crush, play chess. Write a book, learn to paint, start a rock band, but do something real with your time.

While there are a number of other things that white girls can do to better compete with Filipinas, such as getting rid of the tattoos and aging gracefully, these six changes will make a world of difference. If white girls want quality men, they need to up their game and learn how to be feminine again. If they don’t, there’s a whole nation full of petite, wifely women who will give us what we want.

Read More: 7 Things You Need To Know About Filipina Girls