Back in college, my friend Jeanie wrote a whole season of scripts for a TV show she was working on. She always said she wanted to write something that “smashed gender roles to smithereens” and this was supposed to be it. We were both theater majors and loved working on and talking about these things. It’s called HAILEY AUTUMN. And now—2 years after college—Jeanie is going to get to shoot the pilot and maybe the first season and she wants ME to play Taylor.



Taylor is the male lead. He’s kind of a dude in distress but whatever. It’s a HUGE BREAK for me. I can’t wait to start. I’ve read some of the scripts before but she just sent me the episode list and a break down of my part.



S01:E01 – PILOT

The premise of this episode is my best friend, Joey Martin, is kidnapped and his parents hire Hailey to investigate. Jeanie plays Hailey of course, which she will do an awesome job at. She’s really beautiful, Jeanie—but not in a conventional way. She’s heavier and curvy with long dark hair and really big eyes. She’ll make a really interesting TV sleuth. Nothing ever happened between Jeanie and me by the way except for kissing a couple times. She always had a long-term boyfriend, an older guy named Dave (like in his 40’s older).



Hailey’s got a partner named Petra, who’s going to be played by Jeanie’s older sister Kara.

Anyway, I insist on tagging along in the investigation because I want to make sure nothing happens to Joey. Hailey finds me annoying and lectures me on detective work the whole time; Petra sticks up for me. When we finally track Joey down to the warehouse he’s being held in, it’s because I was able to find a bit of a logo way in the back corner of the ransom photo. Hailey rescues him (he’s tied to an old chair) but they can’t get away before I get grabbed by the kidnapper (an old man named Bolo who used to work for the family). Bolo holds a knife to my throat and makes Haley and Joey lie on the floor. Just then, Petra comes from behind and knocks the knife out of Bolo’s hand and tackles him.



S01:E02 – Summer Office Boy

I begin to realize the major partner at the non-profit I work at is embezzling money. She's an older lady named Mrs. Montgomery. Meanwhile, Hailey and Petra are hired by a man to follow his wife whom he thinks is cheating. I hire them to investigate Mrs. Montgomery too. They agree even if they're not sure how I'll pay them.



Mrs. Montgomery figures out that I'm onto her. She pulls a gun on me and ties me up in the back office. She tells me her plan is to burn all the evidence including me and she leaves for gasoline. I struggle against the ropes but get nowhere. Hailey shows up just as Mrs. Montgomery is returning with the tank of gasoline. Hailey manages to fight her off and take her gun away.

Sadly in the end I learn that the man who was following his wife were my parents. My mom's been cheating on my dad.





S01:E03 – Poor Unfortunate Souls

With my job at the non-profit over (and the non-profit closed), Hailey and Petra agree to hire me to be the office manager/receptionist at their budding detective agency. I have a lot of work getting their papers in order and I give Hailey a hard time. While I'm working, she gets a call. A former client, a local musician, has just received a death threat. She hurries off to help him. As soon as she leaves, a woman wearing an Ursula mask (from The Little Mermaid) shows up and produces a gun.



Hailey meets with the local musician—whose name is Clint. Clint (I think) was going to be played by Jeanie’s ex—even though he wasn’t an actor—so I’m not sure what she has in mind now. The talk turns a little flirtatious and Clint scores Hailey’s phone number.



When she returns to the office, Petra is with her. They find me bound and gagged and all of their key papers missing. As they untie me, I explain what happened. Hailey's confused. Just then another call comes in. A different former client named Mrs. Rodriguez is being blackmailed—based on information in the stolen papers. Mrs. Rodriguez’s feisty daughter wants to help solve the case. Her name is Isabella but she goes by Izzy. Hailey and Petra refuse her—to Izzy’s great frustration.

Our friend Juanita is going to play Izzy. It’s going to be great I think. Juanita is short like five-foot, but feisty as hell. She works out constantly and it shows.



While Petra and Hailey investigate, I head out to see my mom. In a great monologue, she explains that my dad is not satisfying her and she needs more out of life. We don't know who's going to play my mother yet but we're hoping to get our old drama coach, Professor Marshall. While I'm talking to her, a phone call comes in. A mysterious voice wants $10,000 or she'll tell my father all about the affairs she's been having.



S01:E04 – The Locked Rooms

Episode opens with me going down to the apartment pool at night. According to the script, I'm wearing a speedo bathing suit. Hailey shows up. We sit on the edge of the pool and talk. I tell her I'm conflicted. I don't want my mom to have to pay a ridiculous amount of money but I don't want to be part of keeping things from my dad either. Hailey tells me she has a lead that might take care of the blackmailing all together.



Hailey’s lead takes her and Petra to an old house at the end of town. No one answers their knocking so they proceed in anyway. As soon as they enter, the find themselves locked in the front hallway. They have to solve a complex puzzle to move into the rest of the house. From there, the next room also locks and they have to solve another puzzle and on in… It’s only as they get near the heart of the house does Hailey realize the blackmailer—who intends to kill her—is Petra.



S01:E05 – Without a Little Help From My Friends

Petra’s plan to push Hailey into a deep well at the center of the house fails and the two women fight desperately. Petra manages to gash Hailey’s forehead but then flees through an escape ladder out onto the roof. Hailey gives chase but Petra disappears into the night.

Hailey searches for her the next day and the day after. Reluctantly, she accepts Izzy’s help searching. The blackmail attempts stop and it seems Petra may be gone for good. No trace is found of her.



I meet with my mom and tell her things should be good now. She tells me she doesn’t know how things can be good again.



Hailey goes to tell Clint he should be safe now because she thinks Petra made the death threat and they wind up sleeping together.



Izzy is in a band with a friend who goes by Nerdgirl. Nerdgirl has blue hair and a nose ring. Their band is called Blood and Kittens. Izzy raps and Nerdgirl DJs and plays the keyboard. Izzy shows me videos of the band at the office.



The next day, Nerdgirl hires us. Her collection of Renaissance daggers and stilettos—that she inherited from her father—have been stolen from a display at the local library. Hailey and Izzy investigate and find several clues that point them towards the local Renaissance Faire.



S01:E06 – Unfaire

All four of us—Hailey, Izzy, Nerdgirl and me—head to the Renaissance Faire to track down the stolen goods. Hailey and Izzy dress in female warrior costumes. Nerdgirl and I wear regular clothes.

There are a number of sword fighting and jousting tournaments all presided over by a queen with very pale skin who has a number of daggers tucked into her belt. We are watching from the crowd but Nerdgirl convinces us those are her daggers. We notice that, between matches, the Queen regularly ducks into a tent at the far end of the battlefield. Just then, a commotion starts up: a great knight has arrived to give battle and his entourage is moving through the crowd. We all get separated.



Hailey signs up to fight in the tournament. She battles through a number of preliminary matches, hoping to get closer to the Queen on the podium. Izzy snoops around the backlot behind the podium. I search for Nerdgirl but can’t find her.



Eventually I wind up at the tent. It reads Fortune Teller. Sure enough, when I duck inside there’s an old lady reading fortunes. I tell her I’m looking for my friend and I describe her blue hair and nose ring. The Fortune Teller seems unnerved and releases green smoke from her crystal ball. I pass out. Izzy continues to search.



When I come to, I’m in a room, bound and gagged. Nerdgirl is there too, similarly tied. The Queen appears. She tells us we may have stumbled upon her operation of stealing and fencing valuable collectibles but that we weren’t going to tell anybody about it. She tells us that she knows who Hailey is and that Hailey is going to meet a terrible accident in the tournament. When she leaves, Nerdgirl and I struggle and mmmppphhh and try to untie each other. Eventually, Izzy bursts in and rescues us.



We rush out to the tournament. Hailey brilliantly fights off the giant man with a real battleaxe, disarming him and taking his weapon. Knowing the battleaxe is real, he runs screaming from the field. The Queen, knowing she’s beaten, runs but Izzy tackles her and the police are called.



The episode ends with a closeup of a news report about the whole episode. The camera pulls back first to reveal Hailey and Clint in bed together. Then it cuts to another close up of the same news report. The camera pulls back again to reveal Nerdgirl and me in bed together. A Blood and Kittens song plays over the closing credits.



S01:E07 – Family Matters...Always

Hailey’s ne’er’do well cousin Donny shows up at her door. Despite his problems, Hailey welcomes him. Meanwhile, Izzy and Nerdgirl are at a local hotel to attend a wedding reception for one of their high school friends. I tag along as Nerdgirl’s date.



Donny and Hailey talk about their childhoods. We learn all about Hailey’s quiet, hardworking police officer mother and her dad who left the family as soon as she was born. Donny stays for several days.



Clint becomes suspicious of Donny; he and Hailey quarrel. She asks him to leave. He sends Izzy Donny’s picture, asks her if she can find any dirt online. At the wedding, Nerdgirl and another guy dance really close to “Time After Time.” I’d gone to get drinks and now I stand watching, surprised and broken-hearted.



Izzy interrupts us…she’s found something on her laptop! Donny is wanted for murder in Stone Mountain, Georgia.



We both try to call Hailey. Izzy suggests we should drive back and find Hailey. I agree—reluctantly—with one glance back at Nerdgirl.



While in the car, we eventually get through—just in time—as Hailey was about to lend him a sizable bit of money. She confronts him. He becomes angry and attacks her with a fireplace poker—which she wrests out of his hands. He collapses to the floor weeping.





S01:E08 – The Internet Is Written In Ink

Grateful for Izzy’s help with Donny, Clint (as a successful local musician) agrees to come hear a Blood and Kittens jam session. It goes well and the three even write a country / rap mashup song called “Word to the Trailer Park” but Clint strangely asks for money to pay for his parking.

Later, a woman arrives at the detective agency intending to hire Hailey. She claims her college age son was secretly videotaped in the locker room at Gia’s Gym and the video is all over the internet. Because I’m the only male the plan is for me to join the gym and search for cameras in the locker room.



Gia is a middle-aged cougar type. (I have no idea who Jeanie intends to have play her. We don’t really know anyone like that—at least I don’t.) The script has Gia pinching my butt as she giving me a tour of the gym.



I change and shower, looking everywhere for a camera. (Jeannie has warned me that if we’re on HBO or Netflix this will probably mean a nude scene for me.) Meanwhile, Izzy tries to hack in from the office. We’re both stymied. Gia gives me a very weird smile when I leave though.



The next day we try again. Gia flirts heavily with me and several other men exercising. However, I’m the last one to leave—very close to closing time. When I change, I’m in my underwear when I finally find the camera. It’s a small bit of fiber and I slowly pull it loose from where it’s wrapped around a pipe.



At the office, Izzy successfully hacks. She and Hailey debate whether they should watch the footage of me changing. When they do, they see me discovering the camera. But next, Gia appears in the men’s locker room and confronts me. I’m the only one in there. Then Gia turns to the camera and the feed goes to static. Panicked, Izzy and Hailey race to the gym.



Gia is in the parking lot, moving quickly to her car. She starts running when Hailey and Izzy approach her, but the two detectives easily tackle and cuff her.



Inside the gym, Hailey calls for me and follows my banging and yelling to one of the fake spray tan booths. A chair is wedged against the outside of it. She moves it and I tumble out, wearing only my underwear. “Don’t be embarrassed,” Hailey cracks. “We saw it all on video.”



S01:E09 – Word To The Trailer

Clint and Blood and Kittens play a bar gig. Hailey and I are there but so is Nerdgirl’s new boyfriend (who’s called “Dave” in the script). Clint’s playing is off. Afterwards, he tells Hailey he’s being investigated for drug smuggling, she has to help him, he’s innocent! Nerdgirl asks to talk with me. Outside, in the rain under an umbrella, she explains that she and I are never going to happen, she’s sorry.



Hailey and Izzy’s investigation the next day leads to the woman who owns both the bar they just played at and the studio Clint records at. “The Millionairess,” she’s called. She’s an attractive older no-nonsense woman. She explains that she’s been investigating Clint for months and has a large amount of evidence. She’s sorry but she can’t expose her businesses to risk like that. Hailey scoffs.



Hailey and Izzy follow several of The Millionairess’s leads through low-level drug dealers. Eventually, they learn of the existing of a cove at the edge of town where drugs enter the community. Though Hailey warns it’s too dangerous for Izzy to investigate on our own, eager to clear Clint and help her band, Izzy does investigate.



The cove is a narrow walkway next to an underground river where ships laden with drugs slip quietly by. Izzy is discovered by guards and tied up and gagged. The guards find their boss. It’s Clint. Clint sends them away but tells the helpless Izzy that he’s really sorry but he’s going to have to get rid of her, why on earth did she stick her nose where it didn’t belong?



Maybe not so helpless. Izzy manages to free her wrists and when Clint is distracted on his phone she unties her ankles and gag. When he turns back, she jumps him and overpowers him, quickly tying him up. The guards return for a moment then flee. He begs her not to turn him in but she gags him. “Word to the trailer park,” she quips as she pulls out her phone and dials 911.



S01:E10 – Material Boy

The Millionairess is grateful to the detective agency. She invites our whole team to a ball she’s throwing. Izzy and I attend. Hailey doesn’t feel like it. She visits Clint in jail and explains in a tear-filled scene how badly he’s broken her heart. At the ball, The Millionairess appears to be hitting on me to Izzy’s amusement. She invites me to join her on her boat the next day. I accept. Izzy admires an antique broach on display on the mantle in a locked shatterproof glass case. “It’s worth five million dollars,” The Millionairess explains. “And it belonged to my great aunt Mildred.” She always keeps the key to the case with her.



When we leave the party and stop at the agency headquarters, Hailey is burning pictures of Clint.

The next day Hailey buys a motorcycle. I join The Millionairess on her boat. (Per the script, I’m in a speedo while she is fully clothed.) We kiss.



Izzy and Nerdgirl rehearse but there’s tension between them. The rehearsal ends with a fight and Nerdgirl storms out.



The Millionairess and I return to her mansion and head up to her lavish bedroom. We undress each other down to our underwear when suddenly a man and a woman appear dressed in black with ski masks and pointing guns at us. “The key my dear lady,” the man says in a British accent.



S01:E11 – Depths of the Spiral

The next morning, when I don’t show up for work, Hailey shows up at the mansion looking for me. She finds the door open and follows the sound of MMMPPPHHHing up to the bedroom where she finds us tied to the bedposts in our underwear.



After we’re freed, The Millionairess calls her friend the Chief of Police. I’m questioned extensively and so is Izzy. When I finally get to go home, I stop and ask The Millionairess if she really thinks I had something do with it. She won’t answer.



We make the news. A grainy security camera captures the whole robbery. The next morning, a still shot of us tied up is on the front page of the local newspaper. Hailey and Izzy shoot around town, investigating, interviewing every guest from the party the night before. I get phone calls from weirdos and concerned friends and family.



Hailey and Izzy learn that one of the party attendees, a Harold Brown, has several branches of his auction business in England.



Walking past the apartment pool on my way to get coffee, I see a woman laying by the pool, wearing an Ursula mask, staring at me. I call Hailey, concerned. She tells me it must be a coincidence.

When Hailey and Izzy arrive at Harold Brown’s condo, they find him dead from a gunshot.



Nerdgirl calls to see if I’m OK. She was upset to see the video online. She says she misses me. She’s just broken up with Dave. I smile as I hang up. I’m just stepping into my apartment when suddenly a hand clamps over my mouth.



S01:E12 – Aunt Mildred’s Brooch

The episode opens with a grainy video of me tied to a chair with a gag pulled down and hanging around my neck reading off a ransom demand: Aunt Mildred’s brooch for my safe return. After watching the video, the Millionairess and Hailey and Izzy argue. The Millionairess insists that she’s not giving up the brooch but that Hailey needs to find it since the police have no clue. Hailey insists she’s not going to spend one minute finding it if I’m left to die. Izzy becomes so mad, Hailey has to physically hold her back.



In a dingy basement, Petra lectures me as I’m bound and gagged, explaining how unfairly she’s been treated and how this brooch is the least Hailey could do for her.



Outside of the mansion, Hailey and Izzy agree to split up. Izzy will try and track down the brooch; Hailey will try and find and rescue me. They agree grimly that they’ll trade the brooch for me no matter what The Millionairess says.



Hailey speeds all over town on her motorcycle but finds all of Petra’s old haunts empty. No one’s seen her.



Izzy manages to track down the late Harold Browns younger wife, MacKenzie. Apparently the Browns are in the middle of a divorce and MacKenzie has been staying at a room in a fancy hotel in town. But when Izzy arrives she finds MacKenzie bound and gagged and a man and a woman ransacking the room. Izzy puts up a brave fight but the two are able to get past her and flee. When she frees MacKenzie Brown, the young woman confesses that she had hired her assailants to steal the brooch but had been double-crossed. She is shocked to learn her soon-to-be-ex husband has been murdered and insists she had no part in it. She gives up an address for the British man and woman.



In the basement, Petra tells me whether she gets the ransom or not, she’s not going to let me go. She’s got an extra special way of destroying the evidence, she says with a grin.



S01:E13 – Wrong Side of the Tracks

Hailey breaks into an old house on the far side of town. She sneaks down into the basement, her weapon drawn. She finds the chair where I’d been held but no one’s there now.



Izzy drives to the seedy motel where the British man and woman are holing up, according to MacKenzie. She finds the British man very drunk and passed out on the bed. She calls Hailey. Hailey’s upset. “We don’t have the brooch and we have no idea where Taylor is and it’s almost two o’clock and we have no ransom to hand over.” It’s only then it dawns on her why the arranged ransom drop is so near the train station. She hangs up the phone and jumps on her bike. “Hailey?” Izzy says. “Hailey?”



On an isolated strip of train tracks, Petra has me tied to the tracks. She removes my gag, telling me, “You can yell all you want. Nobody’s going to hear you out here.”



Hailey goes speeding on her bike down the access road that runs next to the train, she flies past it.



Petra lectures me that the first character ever tied to the train tracks in a play was actually male.



The British woman arrives back at the motel. Izzy, hiding behind the door, jumps her but the British woman fights back. The two wrestle, their fight knocks over a dresser, shattering a mirror.

Hailey reaches the part on the tracks where Petra and I are. She jumps off her motorcycle and it flies straight towards Petra. Petra dives out of the way but loses her gun. The two fight. The train can be heard in the distance. They keep fighting. The train gets closer. Finally, Hailey is able to snatch the gun and pistol whip Petra who falls to the ground. She hurries to me and unties me—just as the train is bearing down. At the last second she pulls me from the tracks.



Izzy shows up at the train tracks. She has a black eye but she’s holding the brooch. The British Woman got away though, she tells us.



We bring the brooch back to The Millionairess. She sees me and says she’s so glad I’m OK but I shake my head and walk away. On our way back to the car, an extremely expensive car pulls up and a handsome man in a suit steps out. He’s The Millionairess’s brother, he explains, and he controls most of the family’s money. Hailey cocks an eyebrow.