“Retreat? In our moment of victory, that would be absolutely bonker balls,” said Disney Marketing Manager Anne Wilkinson when asked if the company would be reducing the amount of advertising for their Sheev on the Shelf collectible. The scary doll based on Galactic Emperor Sheev Palpatine has quickly become the company’s flagship product after selling out every holiday season since its debut in 2015. But this season, little Sheev is set to face off against the heavily focus grouped porgs, who’ve been designed with the sole intention of moving product among the 5-12 year old set in record numbers.

“Don’t believe the hype. Porgs are derivative and not all that cute. We have faith modern children can smell a soulless cash grab a mile away,” said Wilkinson. “What child would choose a non-essential trivial piece of trash over a realistic doll based on a major player within the Star Wars lore?”

Despite Wilkinson’s overconfidence, early projections show porg merchandise easily outselling Sheev on the Shelf this year. Of course, the comparison isn’t apples to apples, given that porg merchandise numbers in the tens of thousands, while Sheev on the Shelf is limited to only one product SKU.

“Porg junk will be in clearance bins by January. Meanwhile Sheev on the Shelf is a true holiday classic that retains its resale value and teaches kids core values like ambition, discipline, and intergalactic domination.”

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-William “Willybobo” Bobo