A while ago I asked “what’s the point of Star Trek Discovery”?

Well, last night we got our answer: Nothing. There is no point.

The first two seasons of this show have literally been about nothing. The story, as it exists in-universe, has no legacy, no influence, no ramifications, and no existence. It is as if everything we watched for two seasons did not happen. The writers LITERALLY wrote their show out of existence. Star Trek Discovery is meaningless, its characters don’t exist, its ship doesn’t exist, its fake magic plot devices don’t exist, and its hideously directed action scenes don’t exist.

jk kidding, you guys, this totes never happened

Moreover, the resolution of Star Trek Discovery season 2 was explicitly, in no uncertain terms, a capitulation to the critics of the show. For two seasons, Discovery has had many more critics than supporters, even among the mainstream press. The “fans” of the show like to pretend “the haters” are the vocal minority, when by seemingly every metric, they have it exactly backwards. CBS won’t release viewer data, but we don’t need that, we can look at what happens on-screen.

They overhauled the show for Season 2. It was no longer a dual-centered show about a Klingon-Federation war, the Mirror Universe, and bad characters. It changed the Klingon makeup, it changed the storytelling techniques, it changed the composition of the main cast, and it gave us Spock — which Akiva Goldsman explicitly said would never happen.

Now, for Season 3, they haven’t just overhauled the show, they’ve fundamentally changed the show and stricken the first two seasons from the history of the franchise. I mean, come on.

I called it, btw: her name is literally “Number One”

Meanwhile, all the people raving over this epilepsy-inducing steaming pile of lens flares are claiming this to be a bold and radical decision. It’s not bold. It’s not radical. It’s reactionary and cowardly.

These writers are such absolute hackfrauds that they not only gave in to the “haters” but they wrote their own show out of existence. Shit, half of me wants to applaud them for the literary suppuku, but the other half wants to smack them around and tell them to man up and take pride in your work. But then, these people don’t care. Their job was never to make good stories, it was to sell subscriptions. That didn’t work out too well, so they just incorporated the overwhelming chorus of complaints because whatever, they didn’t care about the story. They never did.

And honestly, if you (dear reader) do care about the story, I hope you recognized that you’ve been had. You’re a dupe. Congratulations. Not only did you waste your time praising this show, but the producers didn’t even care that you praised it because they were too busy reacting to the critics — people like me.

She was always the Red Angel. Learn to watch visual storytelling better, people.

At this point I should probably say I’m happy they listened to us and changed literally everything we’ve spent two seasons complaining about (except the main cast, which, believe me, hasn’t gone unnoticed). A kind of “I won, you lost,” refrain would be warranted, but really, we all lost. And not just us, but Star Trek itself lost. It lost two seasons of horribly wasted and mismanaged budgets. It lost three years of bad press. It lost any semblance of being a sci-fi show, let alone the marquee show of the genre. It was just a waste of everyone’s time and we’re all poorer for having suffered through it.

No, unfortunately for the producers of Star Trek Discovery, I’m too busy laughing at them to praise their decisions. Because let’s be real, folks: more than anything else, that episode was hilariously bad. Trust your feelings. You know it’s true.

Special shout-out to the director for creating a 65 minute incoherent mess that provided no visual information, no character moments, and weirdly fetishized poorly timed close-ups like his name was Mark Duplass or something. Seriously, even if the story was good (it wasn’t), the directing of these past two episodes has been notably, remarkably bad.

Weird how the fans responded to a character that wasn’t terrible, right?

Anyway, we can finally close the book on this abortion and try to move on with our lives. After all, that’s literally what they want us to do right?

In case it needs to be spelled out for those in the back: the entire resolution of two years of Star Trek Discovery, all of its plots, subplots, bad scifi, bad characters, canon-raping visuals, and ham-fisted dialogue that wouldn’t pass a high school creative writing course…. was a montage of characters promising to never again talk about the USS Discovery, the spore drive, Section 31, or Michael Burnham.

Well, Kurtzman, congratulations. That’s a promise I can keep.