It’s indescribably beautiful that the No camp’s much-trailed “500 questions” PDF about independence actually features 507. At least they’re getting their arithmetic wrong downwards for a change. When all those are answered they promise hundreds and hundreds more, so we thought we’d give them a head start on Volume 2.

508. What’s that coming over the hill in an independent Scotland? Is it a monster?

509. War! HURGH! What will it be good for in an independent Scotland?

510. Who’ll put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp in an independent Scotland?

511. Who’ll put the ram in the ramalamadingdong in an independent Scotland?

512. How much is that doggy in the window in an independent Scotland? (Not the one with the waggly tail, the other one. We won’t be able to afford ones with waggly tails, and nobody knows what currency we’d be paying with.)

513. What time is love in an independent Scotland?

514. Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near in an independent Scotland?

515. When, will I, will I be famous in an independent Scotland?

516. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, IF a woodchuck could chuck wood in an independent Scotland?

517. Why does it always rain on me in an independent Scotland?

518. Is this the way they say the future’s meant to feel, or just 20,000 people standing in a field in an independent Scotland?

519. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me in an independent Scotland?

520. Who let the dogs out in an independent Scotland? Who? Who?

521. What’s inside a girl in an independent Scotland?

522. If a picture paints a thousand words, why can’t I paint you in an independent Scotland?

523. What’s the frequency in an independent Scotland, Kenneth? (Presumably “of death threats from evil cybernats to your lovely daughter”.)

524. I would do anything for love in an independent Scotland, but I won’t do what?

525. Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? I don’t think they can handle this in an independent Scotland.

526. What if God was one of us in an independent Scotland?

527. What would you do if you saw spaceships over Glasgow in an independent Scotland?

528. Is she really going out with him in an independent Scotland?

529. What difference does it make in an independent Scotland?

530. Did you fall off a building and land on your head, or did a truck in an independent Scotland run over your face instead?

531. WHAT’S she gonna look like with a chimney on her in an independent Scotland?

532. What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding in an independent Scotland?

533. Do you take me for such a fool to think I’d make contact with the one who tries to hide what he don’t know to begin with in an independent Scotland?

534. Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper – in an independent Scotland, where’s me jumper?

535. Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with in an independent Scotland?

536. All my people, right here, right now – d’you know what I mean in an independent Scotland?

537. You know I hate to ask, but are ‘friends’ electric in an independent Scotland?

538. Why don’t we do it in the road in an independent Scotland?

539. Where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake in an independent Scotland, I fear?

540. What costume shall the poor girl wear to all tomorrow’s parties in an independent Scotland?

541. What was it to you that a man laid down his life for your love? Were those clear eyes of yours ever filled with the pain of tears of grief? Did you ever give yourself to one man in this whole world? Or did you love me, and will you find your way back one day to Xanadu, in an independent Scotland?

542. Have you seen your mother, baby, standing in the shadow in an independent Scotland?

543. How do we solve a problem like Maria in an independent Scotland?

544. Grocer Jack, Grocer Jack, is it true what Mummy said – you won’t come back in an independent Scotland?

545. Did you think I would leave you crying, when there’s room on my horse for two in an independent Scotland?

546. Thurston! Watt! Thurston! I think it’s ten thirty, we’re calling from Providence, Rhode Island. Did you find your shit in an independent Scotland?

547. What’s new in an independent Scotland, pussycat?

548. Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex-machine to all the chicks in an independent Scotland?

549. Baby, where did our love go in an independent Scotland?

550. Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers in an independent Scotland?

551. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi in an independent Scotland, ce soir?

552. Do you plan to let me go for some other guy you knew before in an independent Scotland?

553. Whose bed have your boots been under? And whose heart did you steal, I wonder? This time did it feel like thunder in an independent Scotland, baby?

554. What if this party fears two in an independent Scotland?

555. Are we men, or are we Devo?

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