



When my husband and I bought T home, we were in a rare streak of positive days in our marriage. We had moved to a new bigger place, we were doing better financially and mentally, and it looked like we would be greatly benefit from a furry companion. I trusted my husband (having had experience with dogs growing up and dog-walking) and we went for a little German Shepherd Mix puppy.





I loved the little guy since the day we brought him. He was smart, he was naughty, he was a lot of work, but he was my cutie. From his big head, to his playful smile, and his bowed front legs, he was a total sweetheart. Turns out, my husband was jealous I was giving him more attention than I ever gave him. Perhaps true, but if you knew what our marriage was, you would know that I should have never considered a dog until we had divorced. Nevertheless, T. was the only thing that lifted my depression, and actually made me want to wake up in the morning. Taking him out to play or for walks kept me active, and motivated to work and stay positive.





A series of events, that led to the dog being traumatized by my husband. Yelling, negative reinforcement, muzzling, controlling and disciplining instead of positive reinforcement (that he responded to very well), led to T.'s anxiety and fear increasing. He started to snap and growl if he thought his things were being taken from him (that resolved in a few months). He then started to snap and growl when he was disciplined (he was now aware of his size, and did not consider my husband as pack leader anymore). He listened selectively when my husband was around. He got anxious at home, and only was himself on walks and playing with other dogs.





Eventually, one time he snapped and snarled at my husband's face leaving a little scratch. I think that was the last straw for my husband. Funny part is, as much as I want to believe my husband, I can't help but side with T. As unruly and stubborn as he had gotten, I could not protect him from my husband's anger in his early days with us, and I could not train or discipline him as well as a trainer could have, given that I was inexperienced. Here is where my heart bleeds. I did not have the money for a personal trainer, and I did not have the support of my husband, who was determined to divorce me if I kept the dog or spent any more money on him. Divorce aside, the home was becoming unsafe and hostile for my T. And I had to make the hard decision to give him up.





Here's a letter I wrote to the family who may adopt T.:





Dear New Family,

Hi, my name is T. and I’m almost one year old! Thank you for adopting me. I’m so happy to have a new forever home.

Before I become part of your family, I want to tell you about myself and my former mommy and daddy. When I was about 3 months old, I was brought here from Arkansas. Nobody knew my pack’s history, and what I had been through before I came to the shelter. I had kennel cough, bowed front legs (that the vet says is no problem), and a gash under my eye. But my first family fell in love with me and took me home!

They gave me love, good food, toys and raised me to be healthy and strong. I loved them, and was a sweetheart to them most of the times. But sometimes I was too anxious and frustrated and turned on them. I am very independent and sometimes stubborn and did not like learning the rules. When mommy and daddy tried to discipline me, I growled and snapped at them. Sometimes I guarded my food and toys and growled and snapped if I thought they were taking those away. I also had a hard time entertaining myself even though I had so much space and so many different toys, I was just lonely and bored all the time.

So my mommy and daddy tried to take me out for long walks 2-3 times a day, played with me in the yard, trained me — I can do sit, stay, rollover, beg and down, and took me to the dog park at least 3 times a week and once a week to daycare. I loved it at the both. I made so many friends and chased them around and played fetch. But I was always sad to come back home. I wished I had a big brother or sister to play with at home. Or maybe some agility training to keep my mind occupied. Mommy says I’m so smart, I would do so well learning things.

But, one day I did something really bad. When my grandma and grandpa were visiting, I got very anxious and accidentally snapped at my daddy as he was trying to take off my leash. I was anxious and scared that there were strangers in my home and I couldn’t calm myself down. Daddy knows I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t control my emotions, felt threatened and snapped in anger. I left a cut on my daddy’s face and he was very angry at me. I think I broke their trust and they felt betrayed by me. We were all sad. Mommy and daddy talked for a long time about paying for training classes, medication and every other option they could, but ultimately decided that I was a lot to handle as they were first-time doggie parents. I agree with them, I am a very smart but very complicated dog.

As they were deciding what to do, they got hit with medical bills of their own, and could not find the money to send me to obedience classes, boot camp or a personal trainer. And they saw me sad all the time. I only wanted to be outside and play with other dogs - that’s when a big smile would come over my face. My doggie friends taught me so much — bite inhibition, proper greeting etiquette, safe play, pack hierarchy — so much more than mommy and daddy could ever teach me.

So mommy and daddy decided to give me back to the shelter so I could have a chance at a new home with another experienced family and maybe some dog brothers and sisters. The night before they dropped me off they were so upset. I didn’t quite understand, but I comforted them, and we spent a lot of quality time together. They packed up all my toys, food and blankets so I wouldn’t feel like I had nothing, and they dropped me off the next day.

So that’s my story so far. I am sad, I am upset and I may take a while to adjust to your new home, but I have a lot of love to give and I hope you will have the patience as I adjust.

If you have it in your heart to reach out to my old mommy and tell her I’m ok, please tell her I love her and miss her, but I am ok, and well taken care of. Her email is srk24714@gmail.com. I know this was a very heartbreaking decision for her and she would be a little happier if she knew I was doing ok.

Otherwise, I’m so happy to be here. I hope that we can play a lot of fetch, and I can give you a lot of licks in exchange for belly rubs. I’m a sucker for treats, so if you want to teach me any new tricks, make sure you have plenty of treats ready!

Your loving new pup,

T





One of the last pictures on my T. at his favorite spot, the park.

As I left T. at the shelter, I stayed strong. I knew he knew. But I hope that he forgives me and bounces back. I tell myself I raised him to be healthy and strong and loved him with all my heart. I hope he knows that he is the reason why I was less depressed in the last six months. I may have done a terrible job keeping him happy, but I tried my best and gave him all I had. I know he will be heartbroken just as much as I am, but I hope we both get though this and come out stronger and happier.





Wish me luck as I grieve, and as I prepare for my divorce. I try hard to not see him in the house, hear the phantom jingling of his tags, and smell him on the carpets. I haven't yet sorted out the things that were too big to send with him to the shelter, and I haven't yet fully processed that there will be no more walks, no more fetch and no more naughty smiles from my little guy.





But I know one thing, if anything, T. deserves that his mom is happy. Otherwise, what is the point of his suffering? T. I hope that in another life, I can be reunited with you and give you everything that I couldn't give you in your short time with me. I love you, and I always will.









I've often thought about why people have pets or kids. I never understood it. And then when I got my first puppy, I realized the flood of love I had for the little guy. I suppose this post is a little memorial to my time with him, and how much joy he brought into my otherwise sad life.