TULSA, OKLAHOMA — A commercial aircraft was forced to make an emergency landing at Tulsa International Airport after an older male passenger fell dangerously ill mere minutes after departing from Dallas en route to Detroit. Reports aboard the United 737, currently at its arrival gate waiting for clearance to take off again, are that all 132 remaining passengers are completely ticked off that their travel plans went awry because some dude decided today was the day to have a heart attack on a flight midair. “Really, now you have a heart attack, you son of a bitch?!” said Graham Lunther in 22B. “He couldn’t possibly have waited until we landed, or kicked the bucket in the terminal before takeoff? I’m going to miss my connection to Montreal because of that dickhead.” Other passengers mixed their frustration with slight empathy for the poor, potentially dying human man previously in their company. “Yeah, it’s super sad and all, but I need to be in Detroit by noon,” said Katrina Roberson in 13C. “I have a scheduled tour at the Henry Ford Museum and if I miss learning about the history of America’s first major automobile manufacturer because of that asshat, I’ll literally go berzerk. I’m not taking a trip to the Motor City for fucking nothing.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.