I am a hypocrite and living like this is hard. It is making life difficult.

Today, I realize my world is closing in on me. I am feeling very isolated. I have withdrawn from most Christians in my life. I have done that mostly for their sake. I want to minimize their feelings for me before I come out as an atheist. I am hoping it will make it easier on them. I have virtually no one I can enjoy real life with on a daily basis. My immediate family is my only off-line companionship. I love them, but it isn’t the same as having friends.

I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. That is probably because I do not. I work in the world of religion. I do not fit in there. Every day I see more clearly the harm it causes. Much of that harm is subtile but very real. I long for the day I can be honest and not promote an ideology that I am convinced is wrong.

I cannot make atheist friends in the real world yet. It would jeopardize my family. My income would be gone over night if I am discovered. I find myself living in constant fear. I cannot embrace the world in the manner I see it. I cannot reach out to people who hold a similar world view as myself.

I am not qualified to do anything outside of the church. I cannot go get a job that would replace my income. My situation has other complications that add to the difficulty to the whole thing.

Today, has been tough. I am a hypocrite who does not fit in this world. I am slowly isolating myself. My life is not is a good place. It needs to change. Change seems so slow.