Washington D.C.—

Donald Trump, after viewing internal campaign polling of the coming mid-term elections, proposed to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell an executive order he wanted to sign that would give the country of Russia 100 electoral votes in the US Electoral College.

A leaked draft of the executive order found its way to The Halfway Post, and we have printed it below:

“Russia, a dear and valuable partner in the Christian fight against global jihad, will be designated the owner of one-hundred (100) electoral votes in US presidential elections in order to better assist the election of terrific presidents, especially when they are the victim of vicious, bad, mean, unfair fake news like Jake Tapper.”

Mr. Ryan and Mr. McConnell reportedly told the President with delicate tone of voice that his idea was impossible.

Mr. Trump then reportedly asked if it was because of, what he called, “that annoying Constitution,” and Ryan and McConnell explained that Russia could not vote directly in our elections without sacrificing his pretense that there was no collusion in his 2016 election.

Trump then asked if anyone would notice if he burned the Constitution, and, if in the case he somehow destroyed it, he could write up his own constitution. Ryan and McConnell explained that, no, the President wouldn’t get to write up his own Constitution in that event.

Trump then reportedly asked if he could replace Mike Pence with Vladimir Putin as Vice President in 2020, to which the Congressional leaders again delicately explained could not be allowed.

Trump then told Mr. McConnell that his wife, who is the current Secretary of Education, was a babe for her age. Trump reportedly marveled that McConnell “could field such a fox,” and then asked McConnell if his hair was real. When McConnell answered yes, Trump looked sad, and then adjourned the meeting.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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