If you’re even mildly attractive, chances are you’ve lived through a breakup. Yet, there are many people who will experience this for the first time, and there’s no reason not to use their vulnerability for my personal gain. So here’s what to do when faced with the end of a relationship:

First of all, realize that your consent is not needed to break up. That’s something that catches lots of people off guard and puts them at a disadvantage. The proper response when your partner breaks up is neither “why” or “please, don’t”. It’s far more effective to take control and say “no u”. If it works in internet arguments, you can apply it to real life.

Now that you’ve taken control over the break up, it’s time to ignore all other confrontation coming from your former partner. They might begin stating how childish you are, putting your fingers in your ear and sticking out your tongue at them, but they’re just frustrated they couldn’t think of it first. Soon, they’ll be walking out the door and leave you alone in your misery so you can properly process what just happened.

You can begin the mourning stage by blocking your ex on all social media. It is important to be the first to do this, so don’t procrastinate. Blocking asserts dominance over the break up and makes you appear on top. If you blocked them first, clearly they must have done something wrong. That way you can also retain the majority of your friend circle, with the exception of the few loyalists that never liked you in the first place.

It’s time to deal with the aftermath. There may be some belongings of your ex still in your possession, but that’s what open windows are for. If you lived together I suggest investing in Halloween Crime Scene tape and divide the living quarters into equal parts until your ex moves out. Don’t worry, they will leave if you follow this guide closely; after all, the last thing you want to worry about now is to find a new place.

You’re finally alone at which point you might not have enough distractions from the bombardment of feelings. Let them consume you as you stalk your ex on all the social media platforms you blocked them on. Over the course of the next months, you have to ensure that you appear happier than they ever did. While you may remain miserable in your private life, your online presence needs to be nothing but a string of positive updates. Don’t let anyone else break through your shell of insecurities, that’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

Suffer.

Once you’re ready to physically leave your dorm of despair without breaking out into a tsunami of tears from every single particle that reminds you of your ex, try distracting yourself with activities they would have never done. This will also help you avoid running into them and see firsthand how they actually managed to stay mentally healthy through this ordeal you created yourself.

If it so happens that you meet somebody else who’s fun and for some weird reason attracted to you, give it another go. You’re over your ex now, aren’t you? Yeah, you can totally move on as long as you don’t let the dread of another relationship being torn to shreds sink too deep into your mind. No, stop it, don’t let it sink in. Just let it glide gently along the surface of your mind, looming over you for the rest of your life. That’s totally fine.

There you go. Now let’s jump headfirst into the next relationship. It’s been like a month or something, so maybe speed things up this time and get married. That’ll show them.

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