After about 525,600 people sent me this photo, I figured I needed to address it. Some asshole came up with a really fun game for him and his wife to play when they go out to eat dinner and I think it’s all kinds of lame:

So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this. You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/waitress to see. (Don’t say anything to them) if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, however much is left, is their tip. I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life. The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks. I did take away a dollar tho bec she forgot the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra. Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to play out. Try it, you will be surprised!

There is so much wrong with this, I need to take it line by line:

“So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this.” When most people talk about the things they have always wanted to do, they are thinking exotic trips to foreign lands, buying a second home or going skydiving. Not this couple, though. They dream of toying with the financial well-being of waitress who is just hoping she will get a fucking 20% tip from her asshole customer.

“You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/waitress to see. (Don’t say anything to them).” If I had a customer do that, I wouldn’t think twice about them not saying anything to me about why there was money on the table. And what if we don’t see it? Are you going to wave those five bills in our face and then place them back on the table just to make sure I’m paying attention to them? You’re an ass.

“if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, however much is left, is their tip.” So that means you get to sit through your whole dinner with a clipboard and a calculator in order to keep tabs on every move your server makes? Yeah, that sounds like a really great dinner for your wife. And does every mistake merit one dollar? If I spill a soda I lose a dollar but if I spill one drop of water do I still lose a whole dollar? Because if that’s the case, I’d wanna know up front so I can make the most out of my mistakes. I mean, if I’m going to lose a dollar, I want to make sure it’s worth it.

“I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life.” First off, I hate people who say “I shit you not.” Second off, no server is going to intentionally give you the best service of your life just because you happen to leave five crisp George Washington’s on the table. Chances are, the service is going to be the same as it was had you kept those bills in your wallet because servers are not trained fucking monkeys who try extra hard when we see someone dangle a goddamn peanut in front of our face.

“The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks.” I seriously doubt the waitress was confused. Honestly, she probably never even noticed that you were playing a little game. And the only way she would have been excited to receive the “whole 5 bucks” is if your bill was $15. It’s not like five bucks is a huge tip, cheap ass.

“I did take away a dollar tho bec she forgot the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra.” My guess is that she didn’t bring the bread because she noticed there was a dollar missing from your enormous pile of cash. It’s more likely that it slipped her mind for a minute and then when she was at another table she thought, “Oh, fuck, I never got the bread for that asshole at Table 16, I better go do that.”

“Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to play out. Try it, you will be surprised!” Yeah, it sounds like it was a great damn time. I just want to stress that your bill better have been for $25 or less because if it was for any more than that, your tip was pretty disappointing, which might be the same thing your “love” said about you after the first time you had sex. But she tried it and she was surprised!

Bottom line: Don’t be an asshole and use your whole time at a restaurant actively looking for ways to tip your server less. That’s not why you go out to dinner. We want you to have a nice time and we will give you the best service we know how to give. In return, we expect our customers to treat us with respect and not look at us like we are dogs waiting for a treat. Anyone who tries this little experiment sucks at life.

And I encourage you all to click here to buy my book that is full of even more bitching and bad words.