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BILOXI, MS—

Patrons at Chuck’s Chili Hut in Harrison County were shocked to see Dorothy and Ronnie Fuller walk in together on Saturday afternoon. Ronnie has been missing since 2011, but was found by his wife, in their home, on Friday morning.

“I woke up one October morning and Ronnie wasn’t there,” Dorothy said. “I thought he probably went down to Suds Sportsbar for breakfast and a cold beer, because he’s been known to do that sometimes when he’s feeling froggy, but when he wasn’t home a few days later, I knew something was wrong. He’s never stayed gone long enough to miss two episodes of The Wheel. ”

On October 5, 2011, Dorothy Fuller, 57, called the Harrison County Police Department and a missing persons report was filed. A search was orchestrated immediately.

“When we got the call from Mrs. Fuller, she was extremely distraught,” Chief Bobby Gaskins said. “We tried to search the home located on Hog Holler Avenue, but Mrs. Fuller is what we call a “hoarder”. The front door was barricaded by empty bottles of Salon Selectives shampoo. My deputy tried to enter the rear entrance of the residence, but his foot became lodged in a paint can and he tripped and fell into a pile of desktop computers, causing his gun to misfire. A porcelain doll was shot. At that time, we deemed the residence as unsafe for entry.”

Volunteers searched the woods surrounding the home for weeks, but no clues surfaced. The case went cold and Dorothy was sure she’d never see her husband again.

“I was real sad, you know,” she said. “We’ve been together for so long that things just weren’t the same around here without him. It was hard for me to sleep alone, so I put some mannequins that I found in the dumpster behind JC Penney’s in the bed with me.”

But that all changed Friday morning when Dorothy heard muffled screams coming from the guest bedroom.

“I thought maybe an intruder was in the house, so I grabbed a baseball bat from the bathtub and cautiously climbed over a mound of empty Easter eggs to investigate. When I got closer, I knew the screams belonged to my Ronnie.”

Dorothy proceeded to dig through a heap of clothes hangers and boat tarps, among other invaluables, and found her husband sitting in an EZ Boy recliner beneath the rubble.

“I couldn’t believe it! He was about 120 pounds thinner and looked like Chewbacca or a member of ZZ Top. His stench was something awful, too, but it was definitely my Ron Ron!”

On the morning of October 3rd, 2011, Ronnie Fuller entered the guest bedroom of his home to search for an inflatable tarantula Halloween decoration. He tripped over a can of Bush’s Baked Beans and fell into the recliner. While trying to get up, an avalanche of mattresses and microwaves toppled over him.

“On the bright side, I found my chair! I had been looking for that recliner for years!” Ronnie stated.

Mr. Fuller said he’d called out for help numerous times over the years, but his wife was hard of hearing. She’d also continued to throw things on top of him while he was trapped beneath the rubble, drowning out his screams even more. It wasn’t until she got a new hearing aid last week and Ronnie managed to push through some pool rafts and ladies’ scarves that his cries were heard.

“Thankfully all of the rations that Dorothy had stored up for Y2K were within reach. When the Beanie Weenies ran out, I survived mostly on cockroaches. I only drank a few drops of water and Mountain Lightning each day. It was the best diet I’ve ever been on. I’ve been meaning to drop about 150 pounds since 1983.”

When asked how Mr. Fuller dealt with no human contact or interaction, he replied, “Heck, I’ve wanted peace and quiet like that for years. The only reason I called for help and really struggled to get free on Friday was because the stench was starting to get to me. I was hallucinating and seeing turds coming at me with pitchforks. Kitty litter doesn’t absorb four years of human litter very well.”

Chief Gaskins says he’s thrilled that Mr. Fuller was found alive and somewhat well.

“Besides sitting in the stench of your own waste and eating cockroaches for four years, it sounds like a pretty good vacation to me!” Gaskins laughed. “No, but seriously, I’m glad he and his wife have been reunited.”

A welcome home/ 40th wedding anniversary party will be held for Mr. and Mrs. Fuller next Saturday night at Suds Sportsbar. All Harrison County residents are invited to attend.

In lieu of gifts (more things his wife can toss in the bathtub), Mr. Fuller has requested monetary donations be made to Support the Spouses of Hoarders Foundation.

This post is satire. Please don't call the Biloxi police department demanding Gaskins' resignation for his terrible police chief skills.