

Going through a divorce is no picnic, as what began as merry matrimony has deteriorated to the point that neither side wants anything to do with one another. Couples find themselves squabbling in the nastiest fashion, and in the end, the mediation is done by someone who never even knew the couple when they were together. Unless there is a prenuptial agreement, the judge will generally split the assets half-way between the former couple. This isn’t always fair, though, as one side often puts in more than the other. While sometimes divorces are sad, sometimes the end result is absolutely hilarious… Literally Halved Going through a divorce is no picnic, as what began as merry matrimony has deteriorated to the point that neither side wants anything to do with one another. Couples find themselves squabbling in the nastiest fashion, and in the end, the mediation is done by someone who never even knew the couple when they were together. Unless there is a prenuptial agreement, the judge will generally split the assets half-way between the former couple. This isn’t always fair, though, as one side often puts in more than the other. While sometimes divorces are sad, sometimes the end result is absolutely hilarious… A hilarious eBay account was put up by an ex-husband. He was clearly upset by his divorce ruling handed down by the judge, which said he had to give her half of everything he owned, so he decided to follow the ruling to the letter. He auctioned off half of everything he had left, which was half of what he had — literally. There’s no way his ex-wife could have expected him to take things this far, and the result will make you cry of laughter!

Watching Some TV Under the name Der Juli, the person wrote in German that “watching TV alone is already depressing enough” in an attempt to market half a genuine Samsung TV. “The device is very compact and has several inputs, but am not sure whether they all work,” he said. At least he was looking at the positive side! In all seriousness though, for those who don’t have common sense, please don’t try to plug anything into the outlets of a halved TV.

Art Installation The next items for sale on the list were his portion of their set of chairs. Where the table is, is unclear. At first glance, it doesn’t look like there’s anything you can do with a set of four halved chairs, but Der Juli had some ideas. “The chairs are super as an art installation,” the account said. Modern furniture seems like it’s getting artsier and artsier, so maybe this is just the piece missing from a modern art exhibit.

His Half Of The Bed When it came down to separating everything in half, Der Juli did not stop at the bedroom. On second thought, though, that shouldn’t come as any surprise. For many former couples, old bedroom items would certainly remind them of one another, so better to sell. Especially since the ex-wife cheated on Der Juli with a coworker. “Unlike my ex-wife,” he wrote, “I cannot say anything bad about the bed, really, have always slept well in it.”

Perfect For Broken DVDs This DVD player of reduced size is perfect for the remains of the DVDs your kids leave on the carpet for you to step on. “Whoever wonders where the second half is may want to check with my ex-wife,” Der Juli wrote. We hope she knows better than to plug in her half to see if it still transmits a signal to the half TV he sent her. Surely, he hopes she’s dumb enough to try it out.

It’ll Get You There Halfway Riding a bike is something that once you learn how to do, you’ll never forget. Want to try a real challenge? Try riding on this bad boy. It’s compact and great for going down hills. “The wheel moves despite minor limitations,” Der Juli described, “and the front brake engages perfectly.” It looks like it comes complete with some serious shock absorbers, too. Indeed, this was quite a steal, as the starting bid for most of these items was one euro.

Bear-ly Even There This is the saddest item out of everything on this list, which is saying a lot, because items couples fight over during divorce are always sad. Admittedly, there doesn’t seem to be much a point in half a teddy bear after a divorce. The poor thing will soon become an empty shell as its insides fall out and it becomes reduced to an weirdly-shaped, fuzzy piece of fabric. “There’s no need for cuddling stuffed animals – for such things, there are affectionate co-workers,” Der Juli wrote. Good point.

“Everybody Hurts” “I offer here, in my opinion, the best REM album… ‘Everybody Hurts’ (how true !!!) and ‘Nightswimming’ are the best passages on it yet,” Der Juli wrote. As these were his and his ex-wife’s songs, he did the only fair thing to do when they split up: he split up the songs, too, right down the middle. Unfortunately, whoever ended up buying this item is going to have some issues playing it because Der Juli didn’t post half a record player.

Starting At 1 Euro In what was possibly the most impressive feat of this whole list, Der Juli actually sawed his vehicle in half. “The car is quite well preserved for its age, but there are some signs of wear. In particular, half is missing,” Der Juli wrote. People on Reddit pointed out that even half a car must be worth far more than the one euro starting bid, yet others said that the model, an Opel Corsa, wasn’t worth a euro for even the whole car!

Perfect Phone “It’s the perfect phone for people who do not like to make calls,” Der Juli wrote. He doesn’t need it anymore because his lady left him and dating today is done on dating apps. Back when they met, though, people would wait by their phones for their lovers to call them up. This is just an old relic today, and worth less now that it’s been cut in half. It’s not like it would be possible to dial any number that contains a 3, 6, or 9, anyway.

Keeping The Good Half Thankfully, the court stipulated that he had to give her half, so Der Juli could pick and choose what to keep for himself. When they were married, they loved to laugh along with Bullyparade, a German sketch comedy troupe. Nowadays, though, the jokes have become stale, but if you haven’t heard of them you’ll love them! “Unfortunately, I can offer only half… But no matter, I have made sure that the best sketches are on my half,” he wrote.

A Sublime Sofa This vintage couch is the perfect addition to your home, especially if you want to save on room. Recently, it’s become more and more fashionable to introduce compact furniture in interior design, so this is the perfect option for those wishing to keep up with trends. “In recent years, I’ve spent many beautiful evenings on this sofa with my woman,” Der Juli wrote. “She did not find the evenings so beautiful, which is why my ex-wife now sits on another couch.”

Apple ‘Alf-Phone This is something that would make Steve Jobs roll over in his grave, but in Der Juli’s point of view, he has debugged Apple’s problematic operating system. It worked like a charm for him — just like how lobotomies are considered successes. “It is considerably smaller and more manageable,” Der Juli boasted. “In addition, you will finally be at peace with this phone: It is guaranteed not to ring and vibrate and will not play music.” Indeed, he has solved all of the problems of iPhones.

Light As Air The iPhone isn’t the only exuberantly-priced product marketed by Apple. Long before they changed the world with their expensive pocket gadgets, Apple was breaking new ground in computers. The price has just always been an issue, leading to the rise of reasonably-priced competitors like Microsoft. “In my opinion, this conversion is the perfect solution for users who want to save space, but can not afford a MacBook Air,” Der Juli wrote. It’s half the weight, but yours for much less than half the cost!

Your Half Of The Mail No divorce is final without the mail getting split up, so Der Juli made sure he didn’t forget about the mailbox. Der Juli is keeping the tax returns and so forth, while he’s leaving the junk for his cheating ex-wife. After all, the judge never said how things were to be split, apparently, only that he needed to split everything and give half to his wife. Where those lines are drawn, however, he took the liberty of deciding for himself…

A Closet To Cringe In The clothes were easy to divide up, as half of them were his and the other half were hers. When they got to divvying up the furniture, though, there were problems. They shared a closet, and it only had one bar to hang things from. How was he supposed to divide the closet in half and retain the hanger bar? Luckily, Der Juli is quite skilled and thought of everything. Now you can own your own half closet.

Das Half Helmüt We can’t imagine that this helmet is road-worthy anymore, but at least emergency medical personnel will be able to identify you if you have an accident. This is perfect for the half-bicycle and goes for one euro or the highest bidder. “From my half I must now separate, fond memories you cannot remove,” Der Juli wrote, referencing his ex-wife, Laura. As if that’s not enough hilarity, he left us also with a video that shows how he split everything in half…

There’s A Video! Thankfully the resentful ex-husband recorded himself splitting his belongings to give to his wife, showing just how he took down the car and other items. This way, the judge would never be able to say that he unwillingly gave Laura half of their belongings. This video was posted on YouTube by an account with the same name as on eBay, Der Juli. In the video, he addresses his ex-wife: “Thank you for 12 ‘beautiful years,’ Laura! You’ve really earned half. Greetings also to my successor.”

Behind The Scenes As the video proves, cutting everything in half so perfectly was much more of an operation than it seems. When you look at the picture of the bed, for example, you don’t realize that he likely had to use a myriad of different tools to split things so perfectly in half. As you can imagine, the proper tool to cut metal and foam aren’t one and the same. Der Juli was likely thrilled he finally had a reason to take out all those awesome power tools!

Cutting Out The TV Some items, like the TV, make you wonder how Der Juli managed to split the object in two so perfectly, without shattering glass. For this task, he demonstrates how duct tape can mean the difference between a shattered plate of glass and a clean cut, as well as the proper tools to use. As one Redditor pointed out, cutting a TV is likely to release carcinogenic particles or fumes, so it’s best to use the proper protection around the face.

I Frown We don’t know how the front of the iPhone looks, but judging by the video he picked out the very best tools available on the market today to cut an iPhone. Der Juli even made sure he could keep the side with the camera. Laura, on the other hand, is missing out on more than half the fun as she isn’t able to even take pictures with what Der Juli left her. Granted, the camera on either half doesn’t work, but at least this gives off the illusion it works.

A Seat For Her To Sit On As for how Der Juli was able to split the chairs so perfectly down the middle, this also took two different types of cutting tools. Opting for a mighty power tool to preserve the integrity of the treated wood, Der Juli knew that the delicate seating of the chair needed a different tool. In the end, he shows that even a cheap box cutter can be used for maximum results. While some were impressed, others doubted the authenticity of the whole thing…