BERLIN, DE — The chaos only further unfurled as StarSeries associates announced that popular twitch.tv streamers Kaceytron and Amouranth would be joining the event as the tournament’s primary casters, whose soothing whispers and drunken tirades would bless the airwaves of the next LAN in an aural crescendo, as the duo are positioned to cast “every map of every match of playoffs for the prestigious 2019 Major tournament”, according to StarSeries representatives.

StarLadder, an Esports production company based in Kiev, Ukraine, has been hosting Esports LANs since the early 2000s, and with a such a galvanized résumé, who are we to doubt their vision. As the video game streaming industry moves away from showcasing dull gameplay (such as two of the best teams in Counter-Strike to ever play the game facing off), and on towards the light-hearted risqué entertainment that bypasses parental control capabilities, StarLadder may just be forcing the rest of the industry to play catch-up, making Apple’s move of coercing loyalists towards using AirPods look like a bush-league maneuver in comparison. The Counter-Strike: Global Offensive community is forced into a position where they’ll have to accept the harsh reality that Anders, Moses, and Thorin simply did not make the cut, likely due to their shortcomings as professionals in the CS:GO scene, as made clear by the industry leading StarLadder organization.

StarLadder supplied photograph which hints at reasons why Jason “Moses ‘Egg Man'” O’Toole has been excluded.

CSGOnzo reached out to StarLadder, the organization driving the StarSeries LAN, for answers. We got in contact with the StarLadder Director of Broadcast Operations, who requested anonymity in exchange for their response.

CSGOnzo : The community is upset, with good reason, for the exclusion of historical Global Offensive personalities from your event. What is StarLadder’s (SL) official response as to why they were not included in the upcoming Major LAN at Berlin?

SL : Their absence will be noted as well, from our end. It pains us to not include these greats, such as Anders and Moses. And also Thorin, he is also an esports personality. We must turn the page, we look to bring new heights to this game, that we have sweated for, bled for, even. The incels of reddit cry that we must bring the big Anders, who looks like young round brother of Andre the Giant. And Moses, he is an egg, what person would look at his head for joy? ESL One Cologne 2019 brought great interest to our sport, we cannot have ginger beard men and egg men be the face of our game. It is time to move on.

CSGOnzo : Your answer seems to attack these historical greats on a personal level. It seems disingenuous to deny your loyal fans the opportunity for a classic Major LAN in favor of accumulating views, or perhaps in looking to trim down costs of production. What do you have to say about accusations that StarSeries is cutting corners due to fiscal reasons, or perhaps even personal reasons?

SL : Nonsense – we have many currency to pay for these western casters. Again, it is time to move on, we look to employ these new faces in our sport, to draw in new interest. Anders, Moses, and Thorin have grown tiresome. We have no personal issues with these men outside of that fact. None whatsoever. The ginger beard, the egg man, and the hairy buddha, we have no problem with, and their rates are easily payable. Do you not see what we will pay the big breasted whisper woman? And the other big breasted glasses woman?

CSGOnzo : Again, you’re reverting to personal attacks.. and those women have names. Kaceytron and Amouranth. What drew you to them? Can you fill in the Global Offensive community on which process was used by StarLadder to ensure these women had the requisite accolades to shoulder such a responsibility as casting at a Valve sponsored Major LAN? A cynical person would claim that StarLadder is looking to use these women for their physical traits, to somehow pacify the uproar that the community has generated over this subject. What does StarLadder have to say?

SL : You know, this interview is over. No more questions, I am going to Amouranth’s stream to relax. Why are you upsetting me? We are putting on a LAN for the fans.. there will be Amouranth and Kaceytron, what more could the young men want? No more egg head, no more ginger beard and his countless “here’s the thing” jokes. I must make sure I have a balance in my Paypal account, what is her twitch link again?? —

Sadly, this was the end of our interview with our StarLadder associate. CSGOnzo reached out to both Kaceytron and Amouranth for a response, but the popular streamers were busy laboring away at their profession. In the mean time, editors at CSGOnzo have been diligently pouring through twitch.tv clips of Kaceytron and Amouranth harmlessly gyrating in their professional attire, hoping to further understand the draw towards these aspiring Global Offensive casters. We will report back shortly.