UK voters increasingly desperate for climate change hurry up and put them out of their misery

British Leavers and Remainers alike are investing in wood burners, 4×4 vehicles and long-haul flights, to try and hasten the environmental Armageddon, and settle Brexit once and for all.

British voter Simon Williams said, “I’ve been doing what I can. Red meat for every meal and snack, I’ve convinced my wife to have a third child and we have our central heating set at twenty-three degrees. But I still woke up this morning and had to sit through more fucking Brexit bullshit on the radio.

“I can’t even remember if I voted Leave in the first place. All I want now is a nice long sleep, and to never hear of Brexit again.

“A five-degree global temperature rise should do it, but I’m only one man. There’s only so much bacon I can eat in one sitting, it’s capped at two packs.

“To really make a difference all these billionaires and big global companies are going to have to step up. If Europe and America agree to try and match China’s CO2 output, we could have this whole thing settled by the end of next year.”