Other kids are capable of breaking your child's heart. Photo: Getty Images

It was around this time last year that, excited about my eldest daughter starting kindy, I posted a photo of her on Facebook, standing outside the school gates.

Accompanying the photo were the words: "I just hope her first day of school goes smoothly, that the other kids are kind and that her teacher is sweet and nurturing."

And, as it turns out, her teacher was sweet and nurturing. The rest? Well, what an eye-opening year it was.

That first day, I'd done everything to ensure she'd have a happy time at school. Kindy is only learning to read and having fun with numbers, right? Nothing serious. So we took great care with all the superficial things that kids care deeply about – a cute school bag, the school shoes she'd worn around the house all summer, and her favourite cheese sandwich in her Frozen lunchbox.

But there are things you cannot prepare for, that you cannot foresee and that come close to breaking your child's heart: other kids.

I should be straight here – I am not a helicopter parent. I am the type of parent who will tell their child to just get up again if they fall, or to just keep trying if the puzzle they are doing is too hard.

And that was my attitude when my daughter came home in the second week of school and said one of her friends, Katie, told her to go away and not talk to her again.

"Oh, don't worry about it," I told her. "Sometimes you can be in a bad mood and say mean things but you don't mean them. She'll be your friend again tomorrow, you'll see."

But clearly, Katie was going to be in a bad mood for long time, because the mean comments continued. She hated my daughter, she was not allowed to talk, she needed to wear tights if she was going to sit with them.


This stuff happens. Kids are kids, right? These are just six-year-old kids - they speak their mind, hurt your feelings and you just have to brush yourself off. We all need to learn resilience!

And that is what I kept telling myself when my daughter burst into tears on the way home from school. And when she'd say she had a stomach ache on the way to school and asked me if she'd have any friends that day. And then there was the day I went to visit my daughter at an afternoon sports day and she'd told me how two "friends" had thrown mud at her and laughed at her.

Now I started to ask other mums for advice. And it's amazing what you hear once you start talking about this issue. The daughter of one close friend had been part of a secret girl gang at school – yes, in kindy – and they had ostracised and taunted a girl they considered a "dobber." Where on earth does a six-year-old learn to behave in that way, to be so cuttingly cruel?

Another friend, who is a primary teacher, said she sees bullying and mean girl behaviour start at a young age. She's seen kindy kids not only shun other children, but encourage others to also shun the same child. She says she always steps in. "You need to get to the bottom of what is happening. You shouldn't force kids to play with each other, but an adult needs to step in and explain their behaviour to them," she said.

There was a turning point for us. Shortly before the end of Term Four, my daughter brought home some Christmas cards. When she sat down to open one, instead of the usual pleasant greeting, were the words: "You are not invited to my party."

I watched my daughter's face drop. "Why would she write that in a Christmas card?" she asked me.

"Because she's a little brat who hasn't ever been pulled up for her bad behaviour," I said in my head. And I realised that I had done exactly that, all year. Allowed kids to be kids, to be mean, to not be accountable for their actions and learn that their behaviour can hurt other kids.

I saw her teacher the next day. He agreed it was unacceptable. Two days later, she received another card from the same girl with Happy Christmas written on it. It was enough to make my little girl beam with joy. That's all it had taken. A simple act of conciliation and she was a happy kid.

And I'm hoping it's a lesson for her classmate too, that somehow being called out at a tender age helps to change her behaviour.

And now, as another school year begins, my second daughter is starting kindergarten. And this time, we have our eyes wide open – and ready with more than just a shiny new school bag and shoes.

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