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MET EIREANN has predicted heavy showers of drunken wankers, with a high risk of out-of-town gobshites, for Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations this Monday.

The national meteorological service said the shower will be heavier than previous years due to their lack of perspiration and exercise.

Thousands of overweight drunken wankers are expected to flood the city around midday and revellers for the parade are advised to bring ‘scumbrella’s’ to shield them from the amount of total shite that will be spewed.

Meteorologist Nuala Carey told WWN that the Southeast will get the biggest shower of wankers in the country this year.

“The Southeast has been very unlucky, proving itself to be a hotspot with drunken wankers for Patrick’s Day for the last 5 years in a row.” she said.

The forecaster then pointed to a blank wall behind her stating: “If we look on the radar here we can also see a high possibility of gobshites moving in from the North and Northeast from places like Kilkenny, Waterford and Wexford.”

Motorists have also been advised to take care as there may be floods of drunken wankers on the streets.

RSA spokesman Gerry Heinz said: “Flash floods of drunken wankers have stopped traffic in the past and we advise motorists to just drive slowly through them.

“Please keep your doors locked tight and foot slightly on the clutch in case you need to stop suddenly.”

However, publicans across the city have welcomed the bad forecast.

“This is good news for my money crop.” said publican Michael Ryan. “Hopefully it will lash wankers.”