Never be distracted by facts. Remember this is about honour, not about fact

Everybody loves a good Karni Sena. At least after Padmaavat , we should. The brave warriors of Rajput pride have certainly run circles around everybody.

They have given us the definitive step-by-step DIY manual on ‘How to Run a Culture War’.

Raise the bar

Step 1: Hitch Your Wagon to a Star. A Khan is always best to whip up a controversy and give it a slight #GoToPakistan tinge. But when no Khan do, a Bhansali-Padukone combo works just fine as long as it’s a big budget production. The bigger the budget, the softer the target. If you play it right, the production might build the controversy into the PR budget.

Step 2: The Early Bird Strikes the Worm. Don’t wait for the film to be made or the book to be printed. Make a pre-emptive strike. Don’t bother expressing concern. Just act. Vandalise a film set. Slap a director. Threaten to halt production. Halt production.

Tip: Check the poll schedule to see if there are any elections due in the State soon. Insist that the pride/ feelings/ sentiments of a key community or caste group in that State are offended. Position yourself as the gatekeeper of that community.

Step 3: Offence is the Best Defence. The right to be offended is a fundamental right in India. In the old days, for example, during The Satanic Verses , we waited for the book to be published before getting offended about it. No longer. Get offended early and get offended often. If need be, spread a rumour about a romantic dream sequence between a marauding Muslim sultan and virtuous Hindu princess.

Tip: Whatever you do, don’t watch the movie before being offended by it.

Step 4: Keep Changing the Goalpost. Taking offence is a combat sport like WWE. You must keep raising the bar. If the director says there’s no sacrilegious Hindu-Muslim dream sequence in the film, pay no attention. Change the focus to Deepika Padukone’s belly in ‘Ghoomar’. If they cover it with CGI, don’t worry, you can always point to the private lives of Deepika Padukone and Ranveer Singh to justify your outrage. Never let go of the outrage.

Tip: Protest Padmaavat in the name of women. Don’t protest female foeticide.

Step 5: Logic is for Sissies. It sounds logical to say we must wait to see the film before condemning it. That’s a delaying tactic. FOE-wallas will try to talk reasonably using reasonable-sounding arguments. Ignore them. Never be distracted by facts. They just get in the way. Spread a rumour early, spread it often. Remember this is about honour, not about fact. The guardian of honour is not logic. WhatsApp is.

Step 6: Threaten Hard, Threaten Often. Do not just write lily-livered op-eds in newspapers to spell out why you are upset. Call a press conference and issue a threat. Putting a price on someone’s head is always good publicity. Make sure you have a back-up person to double that price in case cops come after you. Declare that you are willing to die to safeguard the pride of your community. Just like Bhagat Singh. Have a politician on speed-dial.

Tip: Be creative. A threat to cut off the nose is a nice touch. It gives you bonus points for bringing in a Ramayana reference. Media will love it. The more outrageous the demand, the better the chance to be a talking head on the news.

A nose for a rose

Step 7: We Are the Champions. The troops get restless without tasting victory. Identify victories along the way to boost their morale. For example, Prasoon Joshi, head of the censor board, decides to skip the Jaipur Literature Festival because you have threatened to disrupt it. Claim that as a victory. Get invited to a private screening of the film. Count that as a victory. Remember this is not about getting a film banned. It’s all about the journey.

Tip: Don’t be fooled by peacenik gestures like changing Padmavati to Padmaavat . In this case there’s no I for an I. Demand a nose for an I instead.

Step 8: The More the Merrier. Finally announce magnanimously that you are lifting the ban for public good. But have a rival group with a similar name announce that the protest continues. Suddenly there are two Karni Senas to contend with and everyone is even more confused.

And it worked like a dream, did it not? It’s a win-win really. The film got more publicity. The Karni Sena(s) are now bona fide power brokers. And in all the panic about dented Rajput valour guess what no one is talking about? The stereotyping of Muslims as bloodthirsty double-crossing rapacious fiends.

Clearly no Rajputs were harmed in the making of Padmaavat . But pretty much everything else took a beating. And we all played along, or rather got played, like perfect patsies. But then we always knew jaisi karni, waisi bharni .

Don’t wait for the film to be made or the book to be printed. Make a pre-emptive strike