Photo: John Minchillo/ AP

Dead Letters Welcome to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors and writers are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters. Prev Next View All

Despite winning 86 games, the St. Louis Cardinals will not play in the MLB postseason this year. It’s the first time the club has missed the playoffs since 2010. Deadspin covered the Redbirds’ performance throughout the 2016 season in a series called “Cardinal Numbers,” and a few Cardinals fans chose to share with us their thoughts on the project. Here are their letters, in roughly chronological order.




Subject: Cardinals won their 8th game.

From: Andrew L.

To: Samer Kalaf Samer, The St. Louis Cardinals won their 8th Game today. Carlos Martinez pitched 7 strong innings. He was backed by a two-run homer by Matt Holliday and a late RBI single by Yadier Molina (future hall of fame/better than any catcher that has played for you bad baseball team of butt/poop men who haven’t won things/have been eliminated by the Cardinals). Closer Trevor Rosenthal struck out the side to earn the save. The Cardinals have 11 World Series Championships, as well as 19 National League Pennants.


Subject: Pathetic



From: Joe K. To: Samer Kalaf I think it’s funny that all you guys have to do now is write about the cardinals and their lack of success this season. I mean do you really not have anything else? It’s pathetic. You’re a joke of a writer. Do something else. Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Your writing is awful.

From: spencedog[redacted]@[redacted].com To: Samer Kalaf Retire. Quit. Your writing is terrible. You write a shitty article each time the cards lose. How is that news? Or something that someone with ANY kind of professionalism does? It’s not. Here’s a idea, hate the cardinals, and still show respect. This is why many cardinals fans despise Cubs fans. You taste any kind of winning and it’s complete ignorance from there out. St Louis Cardinals dominate the rivalry, and have done more in a decade than the Cubs have in over 100 years. Reporting on a down season, and making a article for every loss, is childish, and unprofessional. What are you going to do when the Cubs lose again this year? I know you guys are excited you are playing better, but don’t be a douche. Sent from my iPhone

Subject: How’s the feels?

From: spencedog[redacted]@[redacted].com To: Samer Kalaf How’s the self hate and loathing coming along? Do you have any talents outside of stating the obvious of the cardinals having a down year? Does anyone outside of shitcago read this day in, and day out crap that you guys call sports writing? Your hatred for the 2nd best baseball franchise is quite comical. Most cardinals fans don’t hate the Cubs, we mainly feel for you guys, but than....than the ignorance you guys display becomes too much, and we sink to the level the Cubs and the fanbase sinks to. And that’s when it gets ugly. Like I’ve said before, I’m waiting for something that’s not a lie. What’s the deal with the cardinal bashing on a daily basis? If you are paid to do this, you are on a equal level with a fast food patty flipper. Takes no talent, or skill to do so. Against any team really. How’s the highest rate in criminal activity city treating you? I heard there was only 5 killings this past weekend. That’s not too shabby. Have a nice day Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Deadspin is dead.

From: spencedog[redacted]@[redacted].com To: Tom Ley “Deadspin” where haters, ignorant, spiteful, losers, go to spew hatred for the cardinals. And call it “journalism”. Awesome! Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Congrats



From: Brian A. To: Tim Marchman I’ve been a loyal reader since 2008 but I had to unfollow your site on social media because of the posts about my Cardinals every time they lose. I know me being upset is what you’re going for and congrats, it worked. Goodbye.

Subject: Your coverage of the Cardinals and their fandom

From: Russell M. To: The Staff It’s evident that Deadspin doesn’t care what Cardinals fans think about your coverage of Cardinals fandom, but I wish you would rethink it. Friends of mine troll me with your website’s content. I know that Deadspin, like Gawker, is supposed to be about entertaining and not just “news”, but you’re feeding into trolling in a very unhealthy way and creating a contentious tone among readers and fans at large. It’s also disappointing to me that a website that I have been going to since its infancy is so disinterested in my readership. I am sure you guys have done the math on the clicks these articles get you vs. any potential attrition, but, in me you are losing at least one reader who clicked on many sponsored links and took advantage of posted deals. I don’t expect a substantive response because your coverage is indefensible.

Subject: (no subject)

From: Jeffrey W. To: Samer Kalaf Who are you, and what’s your deal with the Cardinals? Lifelong Cards fan, and yeah, their bullpen sucks this year. Jeff

Subject: Why the Cardinals hate?



From: Jeff S. To: Samer Kalaf Just curious why you and others at dead spin post each time the Cardinals loose? Yes I am a cards fan. Don’t hold back. [Two days later.] From: Jeff S. To: Samer Kalaf Seriously, why do you post every time the Cardinals loose?





Subject: Cardinal Numbers

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Kevin Draper Nice to see you took a few minutes off from double fisting cock to write another Cards story you fucking homo. That was a slot blown (pun intended) you guys could have used for another ‘Is it a Dick or What?’ story. Christ you guys are such faggots. The Yanks (pun intended) are far more annoying than the redbirds yet you leave them alone. Fuck all of you guys (and girls) with Stan Musials thunderstick! I sincerely hope all of you die a horrible, homoerotic death you fucking polesmokers. -Rocket

Subject: Cardinals Numbers



From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf Hey Samir, take a break from your Al-Qaeda circle jerk and check this out you fancyboy. Cardinal Creme straight from the Lou baby!! Its like Stan Musial & Dizzy Dean tossed off right in the bottle (you guys will love it). The beauty of that, my little brown friend, is that you can guzzle Cardinal jizz the entire playoffs..........then take turns ramming each other up the ass with the bottle after the redbirds take the series!!! WIN/WIN/WIN!! [Photo of Fitz’s Cardinal Cream.]

Subject: Cardinals Numbers

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf Fucking Christ Samer (note that I spelled your name right you jizz queen) your crusty, worn out buttholes even know the Mets & Buccos are gonna choke the chicken when it gets down to the wire and the redbirds will sneak in and win it all. Did they not teach you growing up in Beirut that the Cards are the most clutch fucking team of all time? They obviously taught you how to gently cup a young set of testicles but nothing else it would seem. Why not go back to school and learn this. Its never too late. You could probably get in on some kind of Gay Arab Scholarship (GAS) since your one of the only polesmokin ragheads I’ve ever heard of. Anyway, have decent weekend. Im sure you’ll spend it laboring (pun) over some sailors dongmeat down at the pier. Eat shit & die. Sincerely, Rocket

Subject: Cardinal Numbers



From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf There’s always next game! There’s always next game! I swear, my daughter’s diapers are filled with more wit and wisdom than your goddamn articles.........and since when has Islam allowed homosexuality? The Cards are only a half game back, and when they comeback and lock up the wildcard I am gonna show the fuck up at Deadspin World Headquarters and take a big ol dump in your mouth you fucking shitbag. Don’t think you’re fooling anyone with that gay new hairdo either. I’ll bet it still took a half a tube of Joe Maddon’s spunk to slick it back. Fuck all of you cumdumps with Kris Bryant’s corked, splintered bat you queerbait motherfuckers. Sincerely, Rocket

Subject: Cardinal Numbers

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf Jesus fucking christ. I am running out of homosexual euphemisms. They fucking deserve your usual shitty article today so I’m gonna just take solace in the fact the Rams sucked my cock last night. I’m tired. Until the next loss my little Arabian Buttplug. -Rocket

Subject: Cardinal Numbers

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf Awwwww shit Sammmmmay!! Did you see what happened in Denver tonight? Im assuming since you’re kind of a sports writer that ya did. It was Cards domination baby! Shit, it was like a fucking home game (I know you saw that shit). Let me ask you BP, have you ever fucked a jelly donut? (of course you have you lil shit stain) that is exactly what the Giants are getting ready to do. Sorry BP. Im sure since San Francisco is the homo capital of the world that you are a diehard (hard) fan becauae Fredbird is getting ready to take a big Samer all over em! Also, what’s the fucking deal giving the Slit one of the Cardinal stories? You know that in all good conscious I can’t write her love letters like I do you? Even though you’re essentially a female. Anyway, you can go back to blowing young school children now. P.S. heat up the jelly donuts before insertion.......but not too much!!! Kiss my ass you rat bastard motherfucker. -Rocket

Subject: Cardinal Numbers

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf Samer. Believe.


Subject: Gods Among Us

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf [The entirety of the email was a YouTube link to Madonna’s “Holiday.”]

Subject: Cardinals

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf It’s all coming together Saaaammmmaayy!

Subject: Wooo Hoooo!!!

From: Rocket McFadden <rocketmcfadden@rocketmail.com> To: Samer Kalaf Awwwww fucking shit El Samer!!! This race is getting hairier than your mommas snatch!! Take your buttplug out because your stink hole is about to get tight! I’m too giddy to be rude today. Ttyl ass wipe! -Rocket

Subject: Cardinals