Shortly after the all-new 2012 Fiat 500 Abarth made its U.S. media debut at Spring Mountain Motorsports Park in Nevada, executive editor Ron Kiino and I got to talking about which car we could pit against the Abarth. After banging our heads together for a while, we came to the conclusion that nothing on the market really exists for a true apples-to-apples comparison.

In the end, we settled on a competitor that could give the cheeky little Abarth a genuine run for its money and possibly teach it a lesson or two in the process. It had to be a Mini, specifically the new 2012 MINI Cooper S Coupe.

Wait a minute. A-segment versus B-Segment? Two seats versus four? Coupe versus hatchback? Scorpion versus Bulldog? True, on the surface they're different, but dig a little deeper they're actually quite similar.

Both the Abarth and S Coupe are relatively powerful, thanks to high-boost turbochargers; are similar in size; and ride atop suspensions designed specifically for playtime on squiggly roads. And each brand has a storied European heritage on and off the track.

The people buying them are from similar demographic groups, favoring compact cuteness over interior volume and backseat comfort (in the case of the Mini, no rear seats at all). They seek out occasional driving enjoyment, and value fuel efficiency and urban mobility. And they're usually connoisseurs of all things pertaining to their car's respective maker -- aka fanboys and girls.

Kiino and I also wanted both cars to be of similar size and weight, hence the selection of the S Coupe over another four-seater from the Mini litter. Newness was taken into account as well; the Coupe (along with its Roadster sibling) is the latest Mini to hit our shores. Lastly, we hadn't put an S Coupe through our usual test regimen.

So with keys to a little red Brit and an even tinier grigio-tinged Italian, associate online editors Karla Sanchez, Benson Kong, and I ventured into the mountains north of Hollywood, while Kiino caught a bird destined for Paris (we know, how unfortunate). It was time to find out which little ride was worthy of the Puny Performance crown.

Fiat 500 Abarth

Of all the retro-inspired automotive designs of the past decade, Roberto Giolito and his team at Centro Stile Fiat have done the original Fiat 500 the most justice. Yes, the 500's chic metal has grown in the 55 years since the first Nuovo 500 left its line in Torino, but its gregarious, cutesy, carefree personality remains. As testing director Kim Reynolds described it, "It's like a rolling scoop of gelato. You just want to take a bite out of it."

Of course, Karl Abarth's version of the 500 underwent the same sort of five-decades-long metamorphosis to become the athletic Fiat you see here. Unlike the first speedier 595 Abarth of 1958, which donned a few discreetly placed scorpion badges and wider wheels, the modern descendant utilizes bold bodywork on all sides to maximize cooling, minimize drag, and bump up sportiness.

Spoilers fore and aft protrude from the 500's gelato scoop lines to give the Abarth an edgier, motorsport-themed appeal. Optional 17 x 7-inch forged wheels are shod in 205/40R17 Pirelli P Zero Nero rubber house red-tinged single-piston calipers. And what's an Abarth without a few scorpions? Eight arachnids of various sizes indicate it's been given the special treatment.

"I'm in looooove with the Abarth's looks," noted Sanchez. "Cute and compact, but at the same time, it looks like it's always ready to rock 'n' roll thanks to that aggressive stance."

Despite its tiny dimensions (144.4 inches long, 64.1-inches wide, 58.7 inches high), the Abarth has a huge presense no matter where its Pirellis roll. "I got nothing but thumbs-up and stares around L.A.," Sanchez continued. "People asked, 'Is that the one from the Super Bowl commercial?' It was amazing how much attention it got."

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Granted, like any Italian conveyance designed with speed in mind, taking notice of the Abarth usually means hearing it first. One engineer on hand at Spring Mountain mentioned that it took upwards of 18 iterations of the American-spec exhaust to get it just how they wanted it. They shot for something racecar-ish -- loud, distinct, and did I mention loud? -- and ended up with a raucous voice that bellows with as much character as the car itself.

Turn the ignition, and the 1.4-liter MultiAir growls, burbles, and pops, with its exhaust note making a scene just about everywhere we went. Peg the tachometer needle at an indicated 6500 rpm redline and the Abarth lets go of what sounds like 55 years of pent-up Italian anger.

But after just a few minutes behind its relatively big steering wheel, the novelty quickly wears off and a nasty drone penetrates the compact's innards. Inside are a few garden-variety touches that differentiate the Abarth from base 500s. A turbo boost pressure gauge, thick three-spoke steering wheel, 160 mph speedometer, leather-wrapped sport seats, and an upper gauge cluster indicate its sportier pedigree.

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While an uncluttered, designer-ish space, it's hampered by some downfalls. The sunroof, for instance, is covered by mesh that does little to block out the sun's rays when closed. Its navigation system, a handheld unit by TomTom that can be perched atop the dash, works well but can block some forward visibility.

Buttons -- specifically those controlling the stereo -- are difficult to navigate, require a lot of scrolling through various menus, and don't feel like the sort of high quality you'd expect in a near-$30,000 vehicle. Though easy to connect, the iPod interface is anything but intuitive.

Kong, always the sensible one, had this to say: "Sure, it's contemporary and chic and slightly sportier thanks to the pizza-pie-sized wheel, but there's more useable room and functionality in a modern-day phone booth than there is inside the car."

Around town, the Abarth's seats offer ample comfort, but they're not ideally suited for long distance jaunts. Nor are they the optimized for when city pavement turns to hilly mountain passes. Barstools have more lateral support.

With Sport mode engaged, the Fiat's throttle is slightly more responsive, traction control less restrictive, the steering a shade heavier. Turbo lag in this mode is a non-issue. Pinning the skinny pedal at the top end of the manual's five gears gets the Abarth to 60 mph in 6.7 seconds -- respectable for a 2531-pound car with 160 horsepower and 170 lb-ft of pull on tap.

You can thank a massive dose of 18 psi maximum boost pressure; the mill's numerous forged steel internals (crankshaft, connecting rods, etc. ); hard anodized case aluminum pistons with cooling jets; and other racing-derived bits for the Abarth's captivating zest.

Engineers put a lot of work into sharpening the top-heavy 500's handling, too. They installed 40 percent stiffer front, 20 percent stiffer rear springs, and dual-valve Koni shocks. New cast-iron lower control arms shore up the front end, and 1.5 degrees of additional negative camber on all corners were dialed-in for better grip. Ride height was cut 0.6 inch.

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The parts drastically improve the 500's ability to attack corners, while minimally affecting ride quality. (Keep in mind, the regular 500 ride isn't the cushiest to begin with.) It willingly dives into corners without much nervousness from either chassis or driver. Turn-in is sharp. Tug its weighty wheel, and it reciprocates with little to no body roll after the initial corner engagement.

But trace farther and push harder into the bend, and its surefootedness does an about-face. The Abarth's limited thresholds immediately appear, and once surpassed, massive understeer ensues. In big, slow corners, the 1.4-liter needs constant riling to tap its pool of 170 lb-ft of torque, not to mention maintain any speed. Traction control lights flash and the nannies kick in. The rear end becomes skittish under hard braking, thanks in part to it short 90.6-inch wheelbase and diminutive stature.

Toggle traction and stability controls off and it's possible to manage the chassis' nervousness with an experienced right foot and a quick set of hands. Otherwise, you'll have a tough time getting the Fiat to do what you want in a go-fast, closed-course situation.

As Sanchez pointed out, "The 1.4-liter turbo four has more than enough zip for this class of car, and you can definitely tell a lot of time and money was sunk into developing a potent, reliable, highly efficient powertrain. But that doesn't mask the fact that the car suffers from understeer both on and off power. It's the type of car that benefits from very precise driving."

Despite the warts, Fiat and Chrysler engineers did an admirable job of turning a top-heavy, happy-go-lucky, Mexican-made, Italian-badged city car with a not-so-ideal 63/37 front/rear weight distribution into a fun-to-drive Scorpion. In that sense, just as Giolito did with Giacosa's design legacy, Fiat has successfully continued Karl Abarth's original mission of putting substantial performance into a puny package.

But is it enough to beat out the British bulldog?

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MINI Cooper S Coupe

"It looks like a big toe - stubby in nearly every way," Kong wrote in his logbook. "Some things about its exterior make you say 'Hmm...' like the blunt butt, for instance. While others traits, like the 'helmet,' are more pleasing to the eye."

Sanchez noted: "In all honesty, the Coupe looks like a little putt-putt or bumper car. It also reminds me of those beetles that point their butt up when they walk. At first, its design took me aback. But after a few days, it really grew on me."

No matter where we roamed, the Mini proved a star to male and female, young and old. Whereas the Fiat's public recognition benefitted from its popular Super Bowl commercial (and the employment of stunning Turkish model Catrinel Menghia), the S Coupe drew eyeballs because of its unusual looks.

Mini's designers worked closely with its aerodynamicists to pen a form as functional as it was unconventional. They included twin rear spoilers - one at the back end of the "helmet," and the other atop the trunk (it pops up at speeds above 50 mph) - to slim its coefficient of drag (0.37 Cd) and increase downforce. Stop this Mini at an intersection teeming with Hondas, Benzes, Chevys, and even other Minis, and it'll stand out like a massive Chili Red sore thumb, err, big toe. The S Coupe will probably outpace the others, too.

With 181 horses and 177 lb-ft (192 lb-ft with overboost engaged) pulling 2709 pounds of stout canine, the S arrives at 60 mph from a standstill in 6.3 seconds, some 0.4 seconds quicker than the lighter and less powerful Abarth.

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In S trim, the Coupe's 1.6-liter four gains a twin-scroll turbocharger and keeps its Valvetronic (variable valve timing) and direct-injection setups. Its responsive, always ready powertrain thoroughly enjoys a good thrashing, but is also at home calmly cruising town. Unlike the Abarth, the Mini's twin tailpipes spew a delectable burble with the occasional off-throttle backfire crackle. While engaging, it's more refined than the Abarth and won't be setting off car alarms in parking garages.

On curvy proving grounds with Sport Button engaged (less boosted steering, more responsive throttle), the Mini's 205/45R-17 Continental ContiSportContact footwear holds on with an assured grip. Its stiffened, studier chassis precisely translates the weighty helm's twitches into calm, collected, well-planted maneuvers.

You feel solidly attached to the tarmac in the low-slung Mini, thanks in part to its longer wheelbase (97.1 inches). As commander of this street-legal, two-person kart, your immediate instinct is to flatten the accelerator. Doing so requires drivers to quickly become masters of its mushy Getrag six-speed/self-adjusting clutch combo -- a small price to pay for having such a great time.

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Thankfully, Mini engineers endowed the S Coupe with traction and stability control programs (DSC, EBD, Cornering Brake Control) that welcome some slip and slide. (On our runs, its dashboard warning lit up less frequently than the Abarth). Test track numbers collected a few days prior corroborate our real world findings: The Mini averaged 0.91 g on our skidpad (compared to the Abarth's 0.86 g), and ran our figure-eight in 26.0 seconds at an average 0.70 g (versus the Fiat's 26.8 seconds at an average 0.66 g).

"Stubby exterior aesthetics and less-than-ideal clutch/shifter combo aside, the S Coupe is a model front-wheel drive performance car," Kong concluded. "Confident chassis -- it's wonderfully dampened -- and excellent steering response. It's fun chucking the car around. It feels neutral erring towards understeer as a handler, and had I another go-around and gotten more acquainted with the transmission, it would have been even more enjoyable."

The S Coupe's comfortable, highly bolstered Carbon Black seats definitely add to the driving experience. So too does the tilt/telescoping steering wheel (the Abarth's helm doesn't telescope). And it's not often we'll say this about a Mini, but it has superior ergonomics over the Abarth.

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Inside is all Mini - the usual cartoonish aeronautical window/lock switches, gigantic tachometer and speedometer, tiered dash, and thick three-spoke wheel welcome passengers in a "Hi, I'm a Mini!" way. The latest generation of Mini Connected, the Mini-ized version of BMW's iDrive, makes the infotainment experience entirely enjoyable with simple, colorful menus.

But it's not all gravy. Passengers will have to make do with awkward, almost non-existent rearward blind-spot visibility, a darkened cave-like feel, and diminutive cargo capacity (7.0 cu ft, though there is a pass-through). Per Sanchez, there is also "a substantial amount of wind noise that penetrates the cabin." Yet, even still, you could easily live with the Mini every day -- just don't bring much of anything along.

And the Puny Performance Crown Goes to...

The Abarth is a special little car in many ways. Corner after corner, rev-matched shift after rev-matched shift, it never failed to put a smile on our faces. On backcountry roads where corners casually come and go, and on city streets where zooming in and out of traffic is the norm, the Fiat proved a blast. But with a blunt butt that loves to get squirrely when driven hard, and traction control programs that need to kick in to save the day, it doesn't provide the most compelling evidence for being today's best ultra-small performance car.

For just under $27,000 as tested, and given its storied badge, you simply expect more from the Abarth -- more grip, more speed, more comfort.

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Whereas the Fiat's performance is limited by dimensions that don't lend themselves to great handling agility, the Mini's isn't, and better yet, at the turn of its helm and a smash of its throttle, it feels like the better athlete.

Engineers began their "S" surgery on what was arguably the better chassis to adapt. Modifying a car like the Mini that was designed since inception to be athletic is one thing; modifying an ultra-subcompact commuter like the 500 is quite another. You get the picture.

The S Coupe brings a superior all-around package to this niche firmament. It's got the quirky panache, everyday comfort, and the engrossing punch to woo discerning buyers. But more important, for such a puny mode of transportation, it's got athletic dance moves that can steal the show. At the end of any long day of driving, the choice was clear: Bulldog trumps Scorpion.

First Place: Mini Cooper S Coupe

With moves like Mick Jagger -- and looks like Keith Richards after a hard night -- the S Coupe showed us what proper turbocharged front-wheel driving is all about.

Second Place: Fiat 500 Abarth

Loud and proud, the Abarth oozed style and distinctness. But when it came to composure in corners and everyday comfort, it left us wanting more.