If you were paying attention to the news a few weeks ago you might have caught wind of yet another instance of Von Miller having some sort of gastrointestinal issue. I thought his farts tax story was amusing but probably a bunch of hot air, but now he’s being charged by his DWTS partner for every rip of the old cheek flaps. I think Mr. MVP might need to see a doctor because you might have an issue if you regularly cut the cheese to the point it makes the news. At least he should learn how to stealth puff it so that other people don’t pick up on it. Hell I learned how to do that at a young age, not that I want to toot my own horn. Although, everyone knows it’s the silent ones that smell bad, the loud ones are just air. Maybe he needs to eat less beans, he’s an athlete his heart is probably fine.

I can’t believe his partner is charging $100 per trouser trumpt though. That’s outrageous. Spice blasts are a natural part of the human experience. Yeah, it’s gross to get stuck in a stink bomb’s radius but you shouldn’t judge those who cut ’em loose. Most of the time that person probably didn’t want to ass blast in front of you and is probably embarrassed about it. Farts are funny. I hear stories sometimes about how people won’t beef in front of their significant others, and I wonder how you can be in a long term relationship without just accepting that sometimes air biscuits just happen and laugh about it. Adulthood can be so incredibly dumb sometimes. Little boys have it right. Our society needs to stop shaming those who are naturally expelling the fecal fumes and stop seeing it as immature. We should be proud of our cornhole clappers. Our Colon Snipers. Our Glute Gaspers. Our Tuchus Tooters. Our Rump Riders. Rectum Rippers. Sitter Squeakers. Back End Bazookas. Etc.

Also if you didn’t sing the Diarrhea song as a child you missed a vital part to your development.