Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Before booking, inform the staff up-front if you’re one of those assholes who reviews everything online.


Let the desk agent know at check-in what time you plan on managing to lose every last room key they gave you.


Avoid disturbing other guests by whispering your threats directly into the ear of any underperforming porter.


Always wear appropriate attire—tuxedo or dark suit for men, black dress for women—while visiting the make-your-own waffle station.


When ordering room service, it’s customary to tip the elevator engineer for his assistance in bringing you piping-hot lobster bisque at 11:45 p.m.


Make the jobs of the kitchen and housekeeping staff easier by cleaning up after yourself and helping them unionize.


Keep the facilities sanitary by scrubbing down the pool after you’re done using it.


Be cordial and polite to all employees, even if they can’t meet your every need. They didn’t plan on ending up at a Hampton Inn either.