WHEELING, W. VA — Local nerd authorities are reporting “shots fired” this morning as one of the biggest Star Wars toy collectors in town woke to find a note from his wife on the refrigerator door, declaring the end of his 41-year hobby. Kip Andresen immediately took to hobbyist messageboards for advice on how to deal with the ultimatum. Fellow toy collectors gave him a wide range of strategies ranging from “End her instead” to “Wait you can’t possibly be married” and “You mean your mom, right?” Ultimately, however, it seems Andresen has chosen to save his marriage by downsizing his epic 12,000+ Star Wars figurine collection, as neighbors are reporting boxes upon boxes of “useless crap” sit in front of his home.

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-William “Willybobo” Bobo