opinion

True terror is Louisville with an inch of snow on the ground

A winter storm watch is in effect for the Louisville area and that leaves only one possible response: Complete and utter panic.

GOD HELP US IT'S GOING TO SNOW AND I NEED ALL THE BREAD I CAN CARRY!!! AND TUPPERWARE! DO YOU THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH TUPPERWARE?!?

Well, no, you never have enough Tupperware. But please, people, act like you've been here before. Just once.

Louisville has always lost its mind when it snows, and since the forecast calls for both snow and ice — WATER HAS FROZEN WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE — there's a really good chance that people are already brawling at Kroger over that last pint of Cinnabon coffee creamer.

By 8 p.m., the Highlands Kroger will be a ransacked landscape of collapsed shelves, blood-splatter and untouched boxes of Cracklin' Oat Bran. It'll be a scene straight out of "The Mist."

Realistically, you probably do need something from the grocery and you'll stand in line 45 minutes to get it, so shop smart. Here are some things that people who live in the actual north might buy, but only if they're going to see several feet of snow, aka the Louisville equivalent to 4 inches of snow:

• Water

• Peanut butter

• Canned soup

• Bread or baking mix

• Crackers, because all of the bread will be gone

• Canned tuna

• Honey

• Granola bars and protein bars

If it's me, I'm getting water, peanut butter and crackers. Then again, that's my normal dinner. If it's you, make a list of things you absolutely cannot live without for the next, say, 36 hours, because that's roughly how long you'll be inconvenienced.

The roads are the real issue here because the driving we'll see over the next couple of days will be epically bad.

Look, snow and ice on the streets is not great but it isn't insurmountable. You can drive more slowly, give yourself 25 feet to stop instead of five, maybe even use a turn signal.

We already know, however, that native Louisvillians absolutely refuse to learn how to drive under the best of conditions, and that is multiplied by the thousands when the weather is anything less than 70 and sunny.

More: A study says that Louisville has the 13th-best drivers in America ... Ha!

More: Enjoy the warmth, Louisville. Winter is coming Friday with rain, ice and possibly snow

More: It's going to snow Friday, but don't panic. Here's how to entertain your kids on a snow day

Take Thursday morning, for example. It was raining and the morning traffic reports were choked with accidents — Louisville's bevy of Ricky Bobbys had clearly heard that snow was on the way and were practicing for the incredible number of accidents they plan to cause on Friday.

Here are the official AAA tips for winter driving. They are sane, easy to achieve, and will be roundly ignored.

• Accelerate and decelerate slowly.

• Drive slowly.

• The normal dry pavement following distance of three to four seconds should be increased to eight to 10 seconds.

• Know your brakes.

• Don't stop if you can avoid it. If you can slow down enough to keep rolling until a traffic light changes, do it.

• Don't power up hills.

• Don't stop going up a hill.

• Stay home. If you really don’t have to go out, don’t. Even if you can drive well in the snow, not everyone else can.

Look at all of the common sense! Especially the last one. Please, everyone, just do that.

Jeffrey Lee Puckett: 502-582-4160; jpuckett@courierjournal.com; Twitter: @JLeePuckett. Support strong local journalism by subscribing today: www.courier-journal.com/jeffreyl