My Husband Ignores Me

Inspire Him to Seek Your Company Because You’re Irresistible

Around here, the TV seemed to be the main problem.

If I could just get rid of the TV, I would get a lot more of my husband’s attention–or so I believed.

Other women report that their husbands play video games incessantly, or work 117 hours a week, or have poker games every night.

Sometimes it’s surfing or golf or helping his mother.

Either way, she never gets his time and attention.

It’s lonely and frustrating.

But there’s plenty you, as a wife, can do to change this situation, and you’ll both be happier for it.

Not just dutifully, but because he’s drawn to you and can’t resist you. He’ll seek out your company.

Follow His Lead

If he’s watching sports, it might be tempting to tell him to stop, or even to turn off the TV. My idea was to throw ours off of a cliff.

But instead, consider following his lead.

I don’t mean that you should sit with him and watch sports too–I mean that you should find something to do that makes you feel just as happy.

When you find yourself thinking he’s lazy, consider it a reminder that it’s okay to be lazy sometimes–and kick back yourself.

If you’re thinking, “But I can’t because of the kids and work and laundry!”

That’s just what I thought, too! I believed that if I goofed off as much as he did, everything would fall apart.

I was the self-appointed martyr who had to keep everything together.

Examine Your Words

And part of keeping it together was telling him how long he had been watching TV…and letting him know it was time to turn it off and get off the couch.

Yes, I really said embarrassing things like that.

It gets worse, actually.

I also said that he shouldn’t be watching so much TV because it was bad for him.

In other words, I was an unpleasant toothache of a wife.

Imagine you have the choice to spend time watching TV, or spend time with a toothache. Which would you choose?

Well, exactly.

My husband was ignoring me because I had become resistible.

A big part of my resistibility was control. I was often telling him what to do and how to do it.

As in, “You could unload the dishwasher since you’re just sitting around.”

And then, if he did unload the dishwasher–which was pretty rare in those days–I would give him instructions like, “That goes with the mixing bowls, not the cereal bowls.”

And then I would say, “How many resumes did you send out today? None? Well what DID you do today?”

Even a supermodel would start to seem pretty unattractive by this point.

The issue wasn’t that TV was so gripping to my husband. He wasn’t so much ignoring me as soothing himself with the TV.

My husband was married to a porcupine, and whenever he interacted with me he was getting pricked.

Relinquish Inappropriate Control

What made me so painful to be around was my incessant attempts to control him.

I might as well have been screaming, “You’re not very smart or capable!”

Nothing ruins the intimacy faster than control.

But here’s the good news: when I relinquished inappropriate control of him, he wanted to hang with me again.

When I first started relinquishing inappropriate control, I felt like a complete mess most of the time.

I was so scared! Which makes sense, because the root of the urge to control is fear. So every time I told him what to do, it was because I was afraid.

Afraid I would have to work harder, pay more, wait longer, drive in traffic or be lonely if I didn’t control things.

When I decided to stop indulging my fear and choose my faith instead, I wasn’t very good at it at first.

I would start to say something controlling, then stop mid-sentence and try to cover it up by pointing to something shiny.

Other times, just not saying anything controlling led me to feel like I had nothing to say to him. I felt like a mute.

Remember to Chill

But my husband didn’t seem to notice my struggles or my silence. Or if he did, it didn’t bother him a bit.

Quite the opposite. He was smiling more, talking more and—check this out!—seeking out my company.

I remember coming home one memorable day, and his face lit up when he saw me.

That felt so good!

In other words, when I stopped controlling, he stopped ignoring me.

I had the key the whole time, but didn’t realize it.

My husband wasn’t rejecting me–he was just trying to avoid being stabbed by my porcupine barbs.

When I got soft again, he was right there, ready to snuggle up to me and talk about his day.

Right now, he’s sitting next to me even though I’m writing my blog. He just wants to be nearby.

Sometimes, my husband still watches TV, but not that often. And when he does, it’s my reminder.

Hey, time to chill.

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