My name is Gavin. I just quit my job of five years stocking dairy products at Target. Most of my free time is spent listening to ska records that I adored when I was a suburban 16 year old with blue hair. I pick my nose and bite my nails. I am Rozwell Kid’s target demographic.

Rozwell Kid are an indie rock band from West Virginia who formed in 2011, consisting of drummer Sean Hallock, bassist Devin Donnelly, guitar player Adam Meisterhans and singer/guitarist Jordan Hudkins. Their songs are (typically) energetic power-emo sentimental odes to drowning out your shitty mood with nostalgia or grotesque consumerism. They also have a lot of songs about vans. I’m going to rank all of them right now.

Some shit to get out of the way first:

I’m not going to count any SoundCloud demos. I know you all expect “Big Robot” to secure the coveted number one position, but i’m not giving into your demands

Covers don’t count either. Sorry to all you Spirit Night,Graham Nash, Shins and Wheatus fans.

I am counting every song from Dreamboats, regardless of whether Jordan or Dave wrote/performed the song, since it’s a collaboration album.

If I miss a song or forget please yell at me on twitter about it and call me an asshole. I probably deserve it. I counted 56 songs in total which might be wrong.

Your opinion is probably different from mine and that’s ok I guess.

56) (I Pledge Allegiance To) Sheetz

Look, i’m from Texas. According to Google Maps, the closest Sheetz location to me is in South Carolina. Texans don’t get, or deserve cool gas stations. We have Buc-ee’s (which is still about 3 hours away from me) and the only thing people like about buc-ee’s is that they keep their toilets clean, no matter how many disgusting cowboys take Stubb’s BBQ dumps. This song is last place not only because it’s a commercial, it’s last place because i’m jealous of Sheetz.

55) South By

South By was technically the lead single to Rozwell Kid’s 2017 album Precious Art. The song is a short, sweet piano interlude about being unable to find a parking spot at South By Southwest. Accompanied by an article in The Hard Times, the song lasts just as long as it needs to without wearing the joke thin.

54) Weirdo

Here’s where you all get mad at me.

According to Spotify, “Weirdo” is the third most popular Rozwell Kid song, and I understand why. The lyrics to the verses are relatable and funny, the riff is pretty cool, and the high pitched “oohs” will haunt my brain until I die, but the chorus of the song just doesn’t click with me the way the amazing verses do.

53) Empty Glass

The closing track to Rozwell Kid’s first album is a fun and energetic 5 minute long shredder, but ultimately not as powerful as the rest of their closing songs. This might be an unfair criteria to judge Empty Glass, so sorry.

52) Dogfood

Welcome to the list, Dreamboats! I considered jokingly ranking every song on this collaboration in bullet point at the bottom of the list until it gets re-pressed on vinyl, but Dreamboats is by far the most powerful and poppy Rozwell Kid and Sleeping Bag have ever sounded. Dogfood is unfortunately ranked the lowest on my list, but that lead guitar riff and occasional cowbell pop in during the chorus never fails to make me smile.

51) Guts

I told my friend Theo that this was my least favorite song on Unmacho and they said I was a dumb asshole. Fair enough. I like to pretend this song is the prequel to Armadillo.

50) Dipped

Have I mentioned how good this band is at riffs? We still have 49 more songs to get through and I keep second guessing myself on whether or not a song deserves a higher rating because of how good the riff is. Dipped has a gargantuan riff, a beautiful little tender midsection and a sick-ass climax. We’ve pretty much reached the territory where any of these songs aside from the top 10 could be rearranged in any which way and it would still make sense.

EDIT: My friend Luke told me “Dipped walked so Michael Keaton could run” and I fully agree. Just goes to show you that every song this band has ever done is good, because Luke loves Dipped!

49) Dirt Wave

Thank god that shitty livin’ ain’t a crime. The low pitched back-and-forth during the verses is that primo Rozwell Kid shit that I can’t get enough of. This song also uses my favorite musical trick, which is shredding the guitar riff while singing it at the same time, a trick that is 100% responsible for King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard’s popularity.

48) Stunt Kite

Holy harmonies, Batman! The chorus to Stunt Kite makes me want to ram my head directly through my wall, but in a good way, if that makes any sense.

EDIT: this song is way too fucking low lmao it should be top 25 probably.

47) Droner

I guess i’m not a big fan of when bands create songs that don’t rock within the first 30 seconds. That’s definitely a fault of mine, and not of Droner. This song is almost 7 minutes long and a majority of it is a hypnotic sparse guitar riff over simple drums. It’s certainly worth the build up however. This is Rozwell Kid’s “Dance Yrself Clean,” which might be the dumbest statement I write in here, and possibly, my entire life.

46) Born 2 Drum

If the first 45 seconds on this song were acoustic you could easily convince me this was The Front Bottoms. Which isn’t a bad thing in my opinion, given that those guys write nonstop infectious earworms. This song is so much fun, but every time I listen to it I can’t help but wonder what Sean thinks about it. He probably loves it, because Sean is a human drum machine that Jordan built out of meat and elmer’s glue (not confirmed.)

45) Gumshoe

The second song on this list to mention Sheetz, but not the last. This is probably my favorite drum-driven Rozwell Kid song. Allegedly every time you listen to the fills in the prechorus section, your lifespan increases by 45 seconds!

44) Dylan, Don’t Do It

This is the closest RK will ever sound to a garage rock band, which is cool to me and only me. If you told me this was a cover of a 60’s girl group I would believe you, and 60’s girl groups fucking rule!

43) Bangs

In what I would consider to be one of the final entries in the “Rozwell Kid Tries Some Shit” series, we have Bangs, which absolutely trumps Droner, Guts and the second half of Dipped. This is probably the prettiest Rozwell Kid song of all time.

EDIT: They’re all pretty!

42) New Mexico

The most enduring song from Rozwell Kid’s first LP is undoubtedly New Mexico. A song about smoking crack on Independence Day and moving to New Mexico. Don’t ask me why. It’s a great song but there are way higher points on RKLP.

EDIT: I actually prefer the soundcloud demo version of New Mexico! Seek it out!

41) My Head

Riff city, baby! This song could have been number one simply due to the use of “Biz Caz” for business casual.

40) Armadillo

I’m finding it harder and harder to justify why I prefer some of these songs over others that don’t involve the phrase “sick ass riff,” but in the case of Armadillo, i’m attributing my preference here to the guitar solo leading directly into a modified chorus, which is another musical trick that I will never grow tired of.

39) Crystal Kit

Please ignore all the shit talking I did on the other slow tunes. That is all.

38) Miguel

Back-to-back Dreamboats selections here, but Miguel has the edge over Crystal Kit, due to the unexpected environmentalist commentary.

EDIT: is the video not working for this one? Whose ass do I gotta kick around here?

37) Wish Man

(Please follow @RozKidLyrics on Twitter)

36) ’93 Connie & Ronnie

This is a very sweet and straightforward romantic song, especially by Rozwell Kid standards. It surprisingly is effective. I want to play this song at my wedding while we cut the cake.

35) Total Doofus

This song sounds a lot like “My Head” to me, musically. The lyric “Every now and then Iget the urge to decimate something that I tell myself i can’t live without” works as a thesis statement for both of these bands.

34) Blow It

Yes, I am putting two of the best lyric-wise RK songs one after another. This song opens heavy and doesn’t let up with the self criticism. Despite all of this, Jordan STILL finds a way to mention fuckin’ Sheetz. Unbelievable, this guy.

33) Bonehead

Unmacho is the hardest rocking project RK ever released, the opening track, Bonehead features ultra-fuzzy bass, heart-pounding drums and ear shredding, seemingly non-stop use of the f-word. Hell yeah. My mom would hate it.

32) Creeped Out

“Weirdo” is boneless “Creeped Out.”

31) MadTV

In an interview with Dan Ozzi, Jordan called “MadTV” the most personal song on Precious Art, which given the crystal clear scenario of silently watching a defunct sketch comedy show that the song portrays could only make sense. Despite the clear imagery it paints, it’s the only track on Precious Art that I wonder what it’s supposed to mean. I’m probably just dumb.

EDIT: i’m dumb

30) Baby’s First Sideburns

Men who have difficulty growing beards, rejoice! Finally someone has penned an anthem for us! Hurrah! If we were ranking these on how relatable the song is, this would be far and away my number one.

29) Gameball

Speaking of relatable songs, Gameball is about being the member of your little league baseball team who is always put in the outfield and stares at the clouds instead of the game thats occuring in front of you. It took me a while to warm up to this song, but it hits close to home. If this song comes on shuffle I always think it’s Bromeo by Pdaddy for half a second.

28) Afterparty

what the fuck is wolf piss

27) Hummus Vacuum

I’ve actually never eaten hummus so I can’t comment on it but this song rips. I saw “brownie hummus” at the store the other day and I think i’m ready for the Earth to burn up into the Sun.

26) Hawaiian Shirt

I love me a good hawaiian shirt and I love me a good tune about said apparel. It would be pretty cool if a bong could smoke itself, someone call up Seth McFarlane and tell him Jordan Hudkins has a dope idea for Ted 3.

25) Lipstick

The chorus is so so so good. This is my go to shower singing song, for those of you who were curious on the matter.

EDIT: I bought a bluetooth speaker and showerbeer holder on Black Friday and WOW has my relationship with Lipstick gone to the next level. Play “93 Connie and Ronnie” at my wedding with “Lipstick.”

24) Booger

My friend Theo who I mentioned before wrote a fantastic piece on Precious Art for /r/Indieheads last year and I can’t say anything about Booger that they didn’t do better. Go read it.

23) Chinchilla

This one’s for the indie pop kiddos. Cowbell? check. Oohs and ahs? check. Funky fuzzy bassy big boy bridge? Absolute check.

EDIT: I should probably mention, go listen to Sleeping Bag!!! My favorite album of theirs is “Women of Your Life!”

22) Van Man

I drive a Toyota Rav4. Can’t relate.

21) Rocket

The first song on the first album. This song would have been significantly lower a few weeks ago, but I listened to this song on the way home after I quit my job and it made me feel like the most powerful entity in the universe. What a way to immediately make an impact.

EDIT: I love to watch RK live videos in my free time and I should mention that my all-time favorite live video is this early-ish performance of “Rocket” at a festival in West Virgina. Most of the crowd is sitting far away in lawn chairs except for four people holding hands and dancing at the very front. Jordan goes wild. Everyone is having a great time. I’m having a great time.

Poor Sean didnt get to sing =(

20) Total Mess

I cannot separate the album version of this song from the sweat-laced Little Elephant session which is one of my other favorite RK performance videos ever. Someone please turn on the goddamn air conditioning! These boys are getting slippery!

19) Smear Me

YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU KNOW

18) Magic Eye

Casey Neistat worked on this music video? What the fuck? He should plug it on his big time youtube channel so Rozwell Kid can get famous and do a Reel Big Fish song on Carpool Karaoke.

17) Chain Wallet

Everyone’s gonna be mad that this song is in the top 20 and Weirdo isn’t.

“Sitting on my deathbed, all I ever wanted was a chain wallet” is the best lyric of all time. Paul McCartney beats his own ass every day for not thinking of it first, and he had like 50 years to do that shit.

16) Ace Ventura Pt. 3

I often think about if the teenage version of myself would say the same shit that teenage Jordan would in this song and he would honestly be pretty pissed that my favorite band is Rozwell Kid instead of NOFX.

15) My Saturn

That chord progression whips my goddamn ass. Even grandma can sing along to this groovy chorus. Be sure to pay attention to your check engine light, friends!

14) UHF on DVD

Oh yeah! While detractors of “UHF on DVD” dismiss it as an attempt to recreate the success of the charming opening verse of “Kangaroo Pocket,” it would be difficult to deny just how charming the song is as a whole. The song works best, in my opinion, as the connecting bridge between the two most popular songs in Rozwell Kid’s catalogue, (Kangaroo Pocket and Wendy’s Trash Can) that being finding comfort in nostalgia, but being unable to get that comfort due to the person you love being two thousand miles away.

EDIT: To the haters and trolls who have told me on Twitter that this song is bad, consider this……. No.

13) Sick Jackets

Look good, feel good baby. The Rolling Stones said you cant always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. That being, of course, a sick jacket. I have a couple of sick jackets in my closet and they’re happy someone wrote a song to honor them, and the loser who wears them.

12) It’s Cool

However, a badass sword ALWAYS beats a sick jacket.

11) Sweets

In case it hasn’t been made clear yet, i’m not a good writer. I’m sitting at my keyboard trying to justify why this song is on the verge on cracking the top 10 and the only thing my dumb brain is telling me is “it sounds good.” So there you go, disgusted Rozwell Kid fan, I think “Sweets” sounds good. Bite me.

10) Rozwell Man

I need to see this song live before I die. No song has ever combined straightforward mosh punk with hair-metalesque double guitar leads like this and no one ever will again.

9) Kangaroo Pocket

The “Creep” of Rozwell Kid songs. Ignore the fact that there are songs called “Creeped Out” and “Weirdo.” This is the most beloved and famous song these beautiful West Virginia boys ever put out, and for a good reason. It fuckin’ rips and shreds and fucks and bangs. I try to tell myself sometimes that this song isn’t that special compared to other less well known RK tracks, but that’s an absolute lie. If for whatever reason you’ve never listened to Rozwell Kid and you’re reading this just click play. You’ll get it.

8) Wendy’s Trash Can

The music video is 10 hours long. I watched all of it. Haters will say I slept 30 minutes to an hour during the live stream but they aren’t to be trusted. On top of the 10 hour video, i’ve listened to this song 300 times according to last.fm. I’m not even close to being sick of this song. It still pumps me up. I’ll pass away when i’m 56 headbanging in the shower to Wendy’s Trash Can.

EDIT: SHRED FOR ME!!!!!!

7) Futon

The opening stretch of Precious Art is balls to the wall. Things take a turn at Futon. Your balls finally have a comfortable place to rest that isn’t on the wall. It’s on a futon. Watch out for that poster.

6) Unmacho

The prequel to Baby’s First Sideburns. It’s hard to talk about this song without comparing it to the band who I swore I wasn’t gonna mention in this article, (you fucking know the one) but “nerd rock” needed a kick in the ass and Unmacho was the boot to do it. Bad ass fire dancer in the music video too.

5) Angus Soundtrack Deep Cut

This was my favorite song for a good while, it fell out of my top 3 a little while ago but those harmonies are undeniable. They played this one live when I saw them last month and I thought I was going to die.

EDIT: In a good way!

4) Halloween 3.5

Click the big play button. I don’t need to speak for this one.

3) Boomerang

Who’s that cute badass rebel cult leader in the music video? I bet he’s a cool dude who does cool shit.

2) Michael Keaton

This song has 3 false endings. I really want to write about how beautiful this song is but do you really need any more info other than that? I don’t think so!

Birthday Sombrero

It couldn’t have been any other song.

A song about feeling like shit on your birthday.

It’s been done before and after “Birthday Sombrero” but no other song does it as well. Buying shit you dont want or need, throwing away things just to see something leave and sleeping on the couch when you feel like your rotten fucking brain is at a stalemate with everything that makes you happy. Eating a sandwich in your car every day because who cares. You tell the people you love that you’re trying to figure out whats going wrong. You know it comes time to go through the same routine that happens once a year every year, it’s not gonna fix you. You just want to be happy when they put the silly hat on you. This is Rozwell Kid’s best song. It balances out the realistic, albeit goofy shit that happens in your life with the unbearable weight of trying to figure out why this stuff doesn’t make you happy anymore.

EDIT: I just realized I didn’t really close out this whole list in any way, so I just want to say thanks to you for reading this weird self-indulgent thing about a band you may or may not even like or know. That was cool of you!

I also want to say thank you to Rozwell Kid, for making the great music that they make and being really fucking cool guys. According to Spotify’s year end shit I listened to 236 hours of your band and I don’t regret a single second. Hope to catch you guys in Dallas soon!