Kentucky: It’s Time to Ignore How Fucking Sexy He Is and Vote McConnell Out

Kentucky, let’s get real. Senator Mitch McConnell is probably the most evil politician in America today. Yes, Trump is louder and more outwardly hateful but he’s so much dumber. And Ted Cruz has pushed his religious fundamentalism aggressively but he has murdered before and will definitely be brought to justice.

But McConnell really is evil personified into the form of a human. A supple-lipped, thicc-assed human.

Sen. McConnell’s effects on the U.S. political landscape will be long-lasting. For one, he has normalized hypocrisy in politics. Just compare his reactions to Supreme Court nominations under Obama vs Trump. There is no justification for his warped logic.

Despite this, I get why you keep voting for him. I too can see the way his soft chin seamlessly melts into his smooth neck skin. The man exudes big dickness and his ability to simultaneously smile and frown has ruined a few shirts of mine due to excessive drool.

But Kentucky, you can’t let your infatuation with an unattainable beefcake influence your voting decisions. Look into his eyes and you can still see his younger years of crushing puss at the University of Louisville. He definitely had a 6-pack then and probably still does. There’s no doubt in my mind that he would choke you, and not like some iron-deficient liberal arts major sadboi. You will feel the hottest fear of your life.

And let’s not forget about his level of romantic commitment. He appears to be in a relationship so dedicated and strong that he’ll commit egregious corruption for his wife’s family’s business in China. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. They probably have mind-blowing, earth-shattering sexual bouts where they exhaustedly finish then whisper in each other’s ears about how many poors they’re screwing over.

Honestly, what are the odds that he’ll ever know who you are? You don’t have a chance with him in reality, so please just stop voting like you do. You can still keep your posters of him up in your bedroom even if he isn’t in Congress.

I could keep going, but I need a cold shower. Do the right thing, Kentucky.