Before we begin, there is something you need to know: Farrah Abraham, mogul, model, former adult star, has spent her entire life dreaming of opening a frozen yogurt shop. Perhaps you, like me, had no idea that owning a frozen yogurt establishment was anyone’s dream, let alone Farrah Abraham’s, but it’s mentioned so many times in this episode of Teen Mom OG (more times than Maci has kids, and she has approximately 72.8 at last count) that there’s barely room for anything else. Barely even time for a producer to torture Ryan or for Gary to get a sick burn laid on him by his own adorable daughter (who’s looking more and more like Amber these days).

And yet…

Amber

Continuing her run as everyone’s favorite Teen Mom, Amber takes Leah back-to-school shopping and blows over $900 on adorable outfits for Leah’s first day (intense foreshadowing music should be playing as you read this, because you know Gary is going to find a way to fuck with this somehow). Some people would call this kind of spending wasteful and excessive, but I love watching Amber being rich and just getting everything she wants, so this is the best part of the episode for me. I’d actually watch a spin-off in which Amber just wanders from store to store and buys the most expensive shit she can find to stuff inside her home, so I hope MTV’s got at least a web series like that in the works.

Because school is about to come into session, Leah’s going back to seeing Amber only two weekends a month. That doesn’t seem 100% above board, but okay, whatever, it’s their agreement — I’m just watching and judging. Gary tells Leah that she can see her mom whenever she wants as long as she tells him, but considering how terrible Gary has been for the last, oh, I don’t know, seven years, it doesn’t sound like he has any interest in making sure that Leah sees Amber as much as she likes. Neither does Kristina, by the way. For two seasons I’ve just thought of her as some kind of Gary Shirley surrogate, following him around and trying to clean up the messes left behind by his choices, but she’s also kind of a snake, lago-ing herself (thanks, 12th grade AP!) up to Gary to whisper all sorts of nonsense about how “left out” and “unloved” Leah feels when she goes over to Amber’s house. Lies! (You know who feels left out Kristina? Amber, when you decide not to dress Leah in an outfit Amber bought her specifically for the first day of school to hurt her feelings, you snake emoji!)

Okay, but forget about that, you guys, because Leah is the best kid on this show: First, she tells her little sister that school is where you to learn how to say “doodie,” which is a harsh but accurate assessment of the American education system, and then, when Dad Bod Gary tries to have a tiny emotional moment with her — more for the cameras than for bonding purposes, methinks — she sends him to the nearest emergency burn center to get himself some cream to take away the horrible pain.

“I like doing things with you,” Gary says, before listing off the activities he and Leah have been enjoying together to show her that he cares.

“I like to wake up early, maybe that’s something you should do,” Leah replies, telling Gary his whole entire life. I am really excited to see where Leah’s shade potential will take her, but Gary should be concerned that his daughter is now at the age where she’s ready to stop being polite and start getting real. (You like that, MTV?) He’s spent the last two seasons talking about how Amber never gets out of bed or does anything, and here’s Leah, accusing him of the same damn thing.

You like apples, Gary? Do you? Because Leah’s got your number. How do you like them apples?

Gary, by the way, wears his gray Dad Bod t-shirt throughout another full, consecutive episode, making me wonder whether he’s just got a closet full of them or whether he’s worn this one so much it’s just fused onto his body at this point and all he has to do to wash it is take a shower. That’s pretty cool, actually, if it’s the latter. If I was offered a surgery that would allow me to do the same thing, I would pay up to $10,000 (borrowed from Amber) to do it!

Maci

The entire family is still livid with Ryan, who, this week, has finally ventured outside of his new living room and is now out throwing trees around in his backyard (albeit still dressed as a clown). He’s trying to make an effort, though, so when he calls Maci up and asks whether Bentley can spend the night, she says it’s fine without requesting that the producers spent the night, too, just to make sure Bentley is safe. At the same time, she makes no effort to commend Ryan on his finally taking parenting seriously for once, which is good, because that positive affirmation has never worked in the past.

To be honest, though, it feels unsafe to be around Ryan right now. He’s still really angry at his dad and the few moments we see of him in this episode when he’s not taking Bentley to a water park — cute! — he’s all grunting and wild-eyed and very close to Sophia on the “is this person feral and will he hurt me?” scale. But you know, part of that may be producer fuckery as well. (I’ve really begun to trust Maci’s producer this season.)

To be fair, Ryan and Bentley have a great time spending time together. It’s just sad that Ryan bought the kid a dog that you and I know he’ll never see again because Ryan will give it away before the next episode or something. But I guess it was a nice thought?

Elsewhere, Phil Robertson (Taylor) takes a second away from social media to have a beer with his friends and talk about how chaotic life is now that he has three kids. Maci is shown working with a baby in her arms at the same time this important conversation is happening, so I’m pretty sure that the producers know what they’re doing here, too.

It turns out that having three kids is chaotic, you guys! Taylor takes them to school and then he picks them up! Lots of chaos! (He also goes to work somewhere in there, although I’m not convinced Maci doesn’t just glue on a fucking beard every morning and just do that for him, too.)

Farrah

I wish I hadn’t used up my quota of using the word “girl” in a recap last week, because, girl, is this a good episode for Farrah. Or rather, it’s a terrible episode for Farrah — except her hair, which is amazing — but an excellent episode for us as we learn that Farrah has always had a dream of opening a frozen yogurt shop and that her entire life has been leading up to this. “In the next five years,” Farrah tells a man from the chamber of commerce who really doesn’t want to be there, “I will take frozen yogurt shops to the next level.” Then, before she can be asked what taking yogurt to the next level actually looks like — will there be jetpacks or what? — Farrah quickly says that she plans to go international — she’s thinking California and New York — and then hustles the guy out of there.

Is anyone else feeling really bad for Farrah’s employees, who just wanted to be on TV and wave hi at their mom but ended up having to work for “I have a dream, and that dream is a frozen yogurt shop” Farrah? I am. But I’m also really confused by Farrah’s outfit choices this episode. She’s traded in her “I went to school for restaurants” blazer for some kind of capelet/bustier combo that looks like something a vampire would wear to her day job in PR and it. is. fascinating.

Please take a gander:

MTV

What is that, though?



Tensions flare at a celebratory dinner for Farrah during which Michael brings up her “videos and toys” (no screaming, thank god) and his girlfriend brings up Simon. Let’s pause for a second because I’ve noticed two important things here: First, Michael’s girlfriend’s hair is amazing and there are no other words for it. Second, Debra really hates this woman and it is so clear and obvious that I was waiting for her to stab her trough the chest with a fork at some point.

The biggest drama here, according to Debra, is that Simon — who’s going to show up to the FroCo opening because, you know, it’s a big deal and he’s been telling his friends about it for like weeks and literally there is nothing cooler than a FroCo opening — has no idea that Farrah has literally spent her entire life dreaming of the day she would visit frozen yogurt and nightmares (remember Copa the Boba?) upon an unsuspecting public. I’ve watched this show for two seasons and also spoken to Farrah at length about her future several times and also had no idea that she even liked frozen yogurt, let alone loved it enough to make it part of her five-phase plan to fame, so I’m going to give Simon a pass on this one. Just like I’m going to give him a pass on the fact that when he shows up he spends the entire time in the back — gross, btw — eating yogurt off of some kind of dirty napkin.

After a tense FroCo opening that’s almost ruined by rain and the fact that Farrah has chosen to wear her sexy PR vampire capelet with some kind of suit, and also the fact that Debra keeps wanting to be in pictures even though this is about Farrah life-long dream (okay?), the frozen yogurt mogul sits down with her parents to discuss just how well she’s done and what a good idea those comically large scissors she brought to the ribbon-cutting were. (Okay, not the last part, but I would love to hear Farrah talk about scissors. Wouldn’t you? MTV: webseries.)

“You’ve proved that women can do it,” a very self-aware Debra says to Farrah as they high-five and Michael, who’s had to spend the day in a Copa the Boba suit, sits back and laughs. Yes, Debra, you’re right: This is proof that women can do it. Hillary Rodham Clinton<Farrah Abraham.

Catelynn

It’s another bad week for Catelynn, who suffers a panic attack — possibly brought on by seeing the micro pig that she gave up and which is now just a regular pig — and misses a psychiatrist’s appointment because she overslept. There’s not much else to say except that she’s not doing well and that Tyler is pissed about it. At this point, it’s becoming hard to root for Catelynn — not because she doesn’t deserve to have a better life, but because she’s having such a hard time that it feels like she should take it off the TV screen.

The good thing is that Kathleen — once again, the only good therapist on television — continues to be as helpful as she possibly can be in this situation. When Catelynn begins to talk about how much better everyone’s life would be if she were gone, Kathleen gently brings her back, reminding her that she hasn’t done any worse than any other person on this planet and that her family needs her.

“The voice you’re hearing is your mother’s,” Kathleen tells Catelynn, and then asks her why she’s protecting her mom when her mom didn’t do the same for Catelynn when she was a kid. Catelynn doesn’t have a good answer yet, but let’s hope there’s a family therapy session in her near future. (Let’s also hope that session comes from Kathleen and not Dr. Drew, although you know that those prayers won’t be answered.)

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