I drive a fast car in the land of slow pokes, Florida. Unfortunately for me, in terms of driving, my motto of shoot first and ask questions later doesn’t really work now that I have a child in the car. But I have to find some way of expressing my frustrations (getting revenge on other drivers) on the road while still teaching my son the right way to behave, and while tricking others into believing I’m a somewhat decent father. Thus behold, my guide to safe driving, for dads.

Safety First

Make sure your baby or toddler is rear facing, so they can flip the bird to all the slow drivers you’re blasting by. Also remember to put the car seat handle down so other cars can’t see you speeding with a child…er I mean for safety, it’s better to have the car seat handle in the down position if you get into an accident. Finally, avoid giving your child Paw Patrol books with realistic siren sounds. They are not good for your concentration at high speeds, plus children’s books tend to fly violently when whipping around corners.

Relax and Communicate Effectively (RACE)

I try to RACE as much as possible. Screaming obscenities at the car next to me, albeit satisfying, was the pre-child me. Now I politely thank other drivers when I cut them off and say you’re welcome when they do the same to me. Fortunately, my toddler doesn’t understand the deep tones of sarcasm in my voice, and to him it sounds like I’m simply being courteous. Now that I’m a responsible father, I found it necessary to trade in my gat for something a little more kid friendly. Bullets, I’ve been told, are a negative form of communication that should be avoided.

My new gat dubbed “The Noisy Nelly”

Educate While You Drive

Take advantage of all the moments you can teach your child. Slamming on the gas and spinning the tires will teach about friction. Taking fast turns and hard braking demonstrate G forces, and signal lights teach colors. Green means go, yellow means go faster, and red means get angry!

All kidding aside, keep in mind that none of this information will help you…if you get caught. So always watch out for the 5-0 and always be sure to Relax and Communicate Effectively (RACE) with the cars around you. Finally, steer clear of the Toyota Prius Death Squad. All Prius drivers are actively trying to save the Earth from humans, one death at a time. Prius drivers make more mistakes than the people who make my tacos at Taco Bell! BTW Taco Bell, no lettuce and no tomatoes does NOT mean I’d like a few pieces of lettuce or tomatoes.

Obviously this article is for comedic purposes only. Don’t actually incorporate this guide into real life driving, except the Prius and Taco Bell part. That’s all true. For more great driving tips and other helpful life lessons, please check out my article 17 signs you might be a douche. Thanks for reading my guide to safe driving for dads!