EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing. “Seriously, someone better take these things from Ashcraft—he just can’t help himself,” read the report in part, which went on to describe the man, who spent much of the evening standing beside the snack table, as “bad” and “so bad” for continuing to consume the snack after repeatedly stating he should stop. “These things are going to be all gone if somebody doesn’t grab the bowl out of his hand right now. For real, don’t leave them near him, or he might just eat every one of them himself, that’s how good they are. Okay, last one!” The report went on to speculate that the chips and dip must contain crack cocaine.

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