Harry Redknapp wants Andy Carroll and reportedly will give Newcastle David Bentley, Niko Kranjcar and Robbie Keane in exchange and stick a loaf on anyone who has the damn cheek to suggest he is a wheeler-dealer. If that deal doesn't come off, Redknapp will doom any hopes Tottenham ever had of becoming popular in Ghana by signing Uruguayan striker-cum-goalkeeper Luis Suárez. Or maybe not, because it is also said that Redknapp is haggling with FC Utrecht for Ricky van Wolfswinkel, even though the striker sounds worryingly like a playboy tulip baron who spends most of his time in a crushed velvet dressing gown with his initials on it.

Golly, Liverpool want Wolfswinkel too but given their record of turning prolific Utrecht strikers into scuttering midfield mules, that may not be the best move for the 21-year-old. However, Roy Hodgson is determined to sign a centre-forward if it's the last thing he does, and it may well be, since rumours persist that he will be given the sack any day now. But that won't change Liverpool's transfer targets, since Damien Commoli is the main influence there - and that's good news for Lacina Traoré, who has been dubbed "the new Adebayor" and fancies quitting Cluj for Merseyside, though he would not, of course, celebrate any goals at Anfield, preferring to sprint all the way back

to Cluj to do so like a demented galoot in front of his former fans. Daniel Sturridge won't be scoring any goals at Anfield either, as Chelsea (a) will not let him join Liverpool, and (b) hardly ever play him. Liverpool also want to give a new home to tricky schemer and pun-trigger Keisuke Honda, who will probably be better on the road.

Blackburn are keen to sign Damien Duff, Roque Santa Cruz and perhaps a couple of Ultravox LPs, just to complete the nostalgic vibe.

Manchester United want to Pepe up their midfield and defence and, handily, Real Madrid may be prepared to do a deal. Udinese are not, however, which means Alexis Sánchez will not be allowd to move to Old Trafford until next summer at the earliest.

Milan have come up with a cunning plan to avoid being ripped apart by Gareth Bale in the next round of the Champions League: sign the Welsh wonder before Tottenham come to town. Inter and Juventus want Bale too, with Italian newspapers claiming Serie A clubs have established that Bale would only leave White Hart Lane for a club in Italy.

Kyle Walker, on the other hand, may leave White Hart Lane for a club in deep doodoo. West Ham want the 20-year-old, who, despite his name, is currently flying while on loan at QPR. Happily for Walker, other clubs are also interested, including Aston Villa and Sunderland. Villa seek a striker too, and Monaco have told Gérard Houllier he can have Dieumerci Mbokané on the condition that he persuades Stephen Ireland to swap Birmingham for Monte Carlo. Not a particularly hard sell, you'd imagine, but Houllier hasn't been able to get Ireland to do anything since arriving at Villa Park so don't be surprised if, after a chat with the boss, Ireland declares he will settle for nothing less than a loan move to Inverness.

Speaking of loan moves to Inverness, that's where … no hold on, the Mill's mistake: in reality Samuel Eto'o is considering a switch back to Real Madrid.