This one is kind of a hard post to write.. I’ve had a blank draft out there with this title (at least the first part of it) for a few weeks now in anticipation of what was to come, just had to wait until our vacation to see how things played out to know what to ACTUALLY write about. And this particular thing couldn’t have happened any more different than what I had hoped/played out in my head.

Every relationship & journey has to have its little bumps along the way, and I guess this is one for me. I think I’ve been pretty lucky since I started this blog, as overall it has been a pretty huge success story of introducing my previously completely “vanilla” wife to a pretty “out-there” thing (somewhat out there even as far as kink goes) like long term chastity. Not only has Angel been very open minded and accepting of my deep seeded desire to be locked, but she has completely embraced the role of key-holder and even learned a lot about herself along the way in terms of actually ENJOYING denying me orgasms as she has them for herself over and over again!

As anybody who has been following/reading my blog for very long would know, besides chastity Angel and I have slowly been venturing into quite a few other things along the kink spectrum; especialy in the realm of bondage, spanking, ass/foot worship, etc. The only major line Angel has drawn has been in coming out to any “public” BDSM-type events with me, whether it be a local munch, a play party, etc. She has been at least somewhat accepting of ME going to such things, but will not go herself. I can’t say that I completely agree with her reasoning, but I do at least somewhat understand where she’s coming from–being that she does work in the public sector and is fairly well known around certain circles in our community. You never know where those circles and the BDSM crowd may intersect, and Angel is very afraid of running into somebody who might recognize her. Personally I would just say that if there IS somebody there who knows her, the fact is that they are at these events for the SAME reason, and there are kind of unspoken “rules” against outing individuals that you may happen to see at kink events. But nonetheless, if Angel is not comfortable attending any events with me for those reasons, I will never force it on her.

But now back to our vacation. We spent an entire week in a Total Power Exchange with Angel playing the part of my Mistress/Domme (and doing it VERY well I may add!) For our last night on the drive home, I had come up with one last little surprise for Angel that I thought (hoped) she might enjoy. I’m not going to name any names here, but just outside of Atlanta I actually found a popular local “Dungeon,” which has a handful of private little suites for nightly rentals (each with their own private dungeon spaces as well). It’s like a kinky little B&B, only the second “B” doesn’t exactly stand for “Breakfast” in this case (think: “Bed & Bondage!”)

The suite that I rented for us had a King sized bed in it with some tie points along the headboard, and across the room was a large locking cage with tie points high on the walls as well as along the floor. To get a better picture of this, think of a 2 foot deep closet by maybe 5-6 feet long, which would normally have sliding doors on the front of it to be able to access half of the closet at a time. Now remove those doors and any shelves inside, and put some jail cell bars and a locking door in the front of it. Add the mentioned tie points, and you have a nice little slave cage! In a separate space attached to the main bedroom was the rest of the private dungeon, which included a pretty nice looking spanking bench and a St. Andrews Cross.

Outside of our room and down the hall was the main dungeon space, fully equipped with pretty much anything you could ever imagine a BDSM space might have. Several more St. Andrew’s crosses, spanking benches, suspension equipment, a huge chain “spider’s web” for bondage scenes, you name it! I think normally if there are any events going on in the main dungeon that space isn’t actually included in the Suite rentals; but being a quiet Sunday night and we were the only tenants that evening, we pretty much had the go-ahead to use any piece of equipment we wanted!

I know quite a few people now who would just LOVE accomodations like that and would probably be like a kid in a candy store to have full, private access to such a large dungeon! I was pretty excited myself, hoping to get to an even deeper level of submission to Angel with access to that type of equipment.

But I guess the biggest part of the problem may have been trying to “surprise” Angel with this. I managed to keep it quiet all week, and didn’t even reveal that I already had plans for that night until she started trying to figure out for herself how far we might be able to drive that day and what kind of hotel we might be able to book. I finally told her not to worry about it, that I had us covered for the night and we would be more than half-way home so the next day wouldn’t be too much of a drive either. She was very curious what I had planned, but didn’t ask too many questions until we got close to our destination. At that point I think she finally started to pick up on the fact that there might be more of a “kinky” aspect to our lodging for the night and began to get very nervous about it.

When we arrived, the General Manager of the dungeon met us at the door, got us checked in, and showed us around. It seems that she actually stays full time in another room down the hall from ours, but she made it clear that she wouldn’t be bothering us in the least so we really did have the place to ourselves! During the tour, I could tell that Angel was very uneasy, she just didn’t want to say anything in front of the manager. She especially paled a bit when we were being given certain prohibitions on some of the more extreme types of play; like anything involving fire, knives, blood, scat, etc. (none of which we’d have ever been doing anyway, but I know they had to go over all of that for liability reasons…)

Angel did manage to keep her composure until we were back alone in our private room, at which point she lost it and began crying. The “Catholic Guilt” that Angel grew up with hit her very hard and very fast. She told me she couldn’t do this, and wasn’t sure about being able to do ANY of it anymore… When I asked her to elaborate, she cited some of the aforementioned “extreme” things we’d heard about, and that she just wasn’t cut out for this lifestyle. I assured her that those are very niche things that by no means everyone is into, and I’m certainly not even into that stuff myself!

Angel went on to say [paraphrasing] that just “being there…” this was not what “normal” people do, and she was probably going to Hell already for enjoying some of the things we already do, but this was just “wrong” and she just couldn’t go through with it.

Ouch. I’m not going to try and say that didn’t sting a little bit (What happened to my completely open-minded wife who wasn’t just “humoring” me with my kinks but was fully accepting them and even starting to get into many of them herself??) But truly what hurt the most was that I was putting Angel, who I love more than anything in the world, into such emotional turmoil.

As much as I wanted to stay and play, I could tell that Angel was a wreck and there was no way she would be “into it” that night. I told her we could just leave, and go find a hotel somewhere else in the area if it would make her feel better. I knew she wanted to, but she also didn’t want to lose the money we’d already dropped for the night.

After a little more discussion, I knew that we couldn’t stay. One way or another we needed to leave and go somewhere else for the night. I went down and knocked on the Manager’s door asking to speak with her. I explained as well as I could that Angel was just very overwhelmed with the whole thing and wasn’t at all in the headspace to be able to let herself loose to enjoy staying at a dungeon for the night. The GM was very gracious and understanding, and did proceed to issue a full refund for the night (less the initial deposit that I had put in for our stay). That’s fair, at least we weren’t going to be out the whole amount! I went back and gave the good news to Angel, who grabbed her bag and couldn’t have gotten back out to our van fast enough. We looked up hotels on our phone, and ended up deciding to even drive another couple hours closer to home before stopping for the night and sleeping in a “normal” bed!

Yes, things did get a little bit awkward between us for a little while, which is a very unfortunate way to end an otherwise perfect vacation! But we did manage to talk about the (non)experience a lot. For Angel, what we do sexually is a completely private matter and she just cannot bring herself to talk about it or especially do any of it around other people, in public settings like that. I told her how I DO see where she’s coming from with that point of view in regard to coming out publicly back home, where she could potentially run into somebody who knows her already, but here there were a couple of distinct differences. 1) We were hundreds of miles from home so practically zero chance of running into anybody that we knew. 2) There was nobody else besides the GM even staying in the same building that night, so there was nothing public about it–it would have only been her and I sharing our private moments together. The same type of moments that we already enjoyed with each other, just on a slightly larger scale!

Even though I’ve never been able to get Angel to come out to any sort of play party back home, I guess I just thought that MAYBE it would have been different that night in a completely different city. But clearly I was wrong. I pushed it way too far, way too fast. I guess the fact is that Angel may very well never be ready to play in that type of environment, and I will accept that and still love her more than anything anyway! She did come back later and say that she’s still fine with keeping me locked in my chastity device and many of the other things that we’ve been finding that we enjoy with each other, she was indeed just pretty overwhelmed with the enormity of a full-fledged BDSM facility and cannot get that deep into it.

Shockingly, possibly what got to me the most personally was her mention of going to Hell for this type of thing.. To be clear, I really don’t believe any of that myself. But it did hit me kind of hard when I had to consider that Angel might actually think that way about me, and be afraid of me dragging her down right along with me… Angel has told me that she didn’t really mean that (I’ll say again: Catholic Guilt!) and has even apologized profusely for not just sucking it up and going through with it that night “for me.”

But it really is OK. I wouldn’t have wanted for Angel to do something she’s that uncomfortable with, just for me. It was supposed to be something fun for us to do together while we had one last chance before returning home to the kids and to life in general. It was something different, that normally we would never have much of an opportunity to do when traveling with family. I took a gamble and it didn’t work out the way I had hoped, but the only way we could have stayed there would have been if BOTH of us were completely into it. Since Angel wasn’t, leaving was the best [only] real option for that night.

It was a little disappointing, yes; but I am completely over it and hold no grudge whatsoever against Angel. If anything HAD played out differently, even with Angel ultimately in control of everything I suspect that my “Switchy” side may have come out in full force. Even if we had never ventured further than the little private dungeon attached to our suite, I think I would have loved being bent over the spanking bench with Angel having her way with the crop on my ass! But at the same time, I would also love to have gotten to see Angel spread out and cuffed to the St. Andrew’s Cross, unable to resist at all as I would hold her magic wand against her until she was completely worn out from orgasms! MAYBE she would have even wanted to lock me up inside that cage for a while (or all night!) where I could only watch from afar as she sprawled out on the bed and got herself off with the wand even more… That night may have had the potential to turn several fantasies into reality in one shot, but maybe some things are best left as fantasy!

Wow, looking back over what I’ve written so far I think it has probably been quite some time since I’ve had such a long-winded post! But even if it’s never read by a single other soul, it feels good to just get this all out and written down. This is one of the things I like best about blogging, is how it is very therapeutic for me to be able to sort through all of the random thoughts in my head and organize them into meaningful statements of how I REALLY feel about an issue at hand! Right now I am feeling MUCH better about myself and my relationship with Angel since getting this story out! 🙂