Chapter 23 - Love Letters

For Anna, the days without Elsa passed in a strange mix of speed and lethargy, punctuated with loneliness, longing, and even despair. At dusk the night before Nils' funeral, Anna walked about the grounds with Kristoff and Olaf, relating as much of the events at the chalet as she deemed prudent. She included the tale of the huntsman, Isolde's dream of prophecy regarding Elsa, and, most importantly, the change in their relationship from sisters to cousins.

The tale of her fight against men and wolves was an ember on her tongue, and she spoke of it as well. She figured she had to; she would not take Elsa's sword from her waist, and her arm was in a plaster cast. The words detailing this fight came out as hot and stark as firebrands. Anna could feel the weight of the lives she had ended, and it was nearly impossible to stay dry-eyed as she spoke. She wiped away each rebellious tear that threatened to topple her composure, and counted it as good practice for the funeral tomorrow.

Her friends had been both astonished and rather aghast at her dire tale. Kristoff, in particular, had little to say. He ran his hands through his hair and tried to say anything that would make Anna feel better. In the end, he barely said anything at all, though he asked Anna to thank Elsa for making the arrangements for his room at the Queen's Blessing. He and Sven had made it their second home.

Everything came back to Elsa.

Neither did the little snowman have much to say to Anna, other than a heartfelt (yet still awkward) statement that Anna must feel better about loving Elsa now that they were cousins instead of sisters. Once again the snowman was able to say what other people only thought of, and Anna both appreciated and despised his candor. She looked sideways at Kristoff as Olaf said this, still feeling the rivened ghost of a future relationship with the young man hanging between them. How often did he recall their one kiss, there on the docks with the new sled before them? It was obvious that he was still in love with her.

Or still hoping that Anna would come to her senses.

Anna had been rather shy in asking if Kristoff could take her to see the trolls. She wanted to ask Grand Pabbie about the huntsman, and about magic. Kristoff cleared his throat and readily agreed to take her the day after the state funeral. She absently wondered how the trolls would treat her now, knowing that she and Kristoff would never be together.

She also wondered what Grand Pabbie might say to her now that she knew the truth about her lost memories. Should she ask to have them back? Was such a thing even possible? Where did lost or stolen memories even go? And why did he have to take them in the first place?

Part of the anger at her father also spilled onto her thoughts of the patriarch of the trolls, and she told herself, not for the first time, to keep her temper when she met him.

For Anna had a cast on her arm and a stormcloud of regret and anger over her heart. She carried Elsa's return letter in her pocket and kept touching it, as if a talisman. It was the first love letter she had ever received, and though it was not in Elsa's handwriting, she knew they were Elsa's thoughts and words. She had already memorized the words therein and often called them to her mind.

That night she didn't even bother trying to sleep in her own room. She went to Elsa's bedchamber without even thinking about it. She needed to surround herself with Elsa's things, with the perfume of her clothes, and with all the memories that resided here as well.

It was after she climbed into Elsa's bed that she read Elsa's letter again, as she had a dozen times since receiving it by courier late that afternoon.

"My Anna," the letter started. Gerda's writing was simple and easy to read, rather plainer than Elsa's more flowery script.

"Know this, and know this well. I love you. I love you more than you can imagine. My heart sings with the joy you have brought into my life. My love for you will be as eternal as the mountains and the fjords. No huntsman and no apocalypse of wolves can ever come between us.

"I owe my life to you. This is the third time that you have saved me, my dearest Anna. You saved me on the fjord, protecting me from Hans. You saved me on the bell tower, when my heart was blackened with nightmares. And you saved me yet again, just a few nights ago.

"You saved me, Anna. Against two men and five wolves you saved my life. Let there be no more talk of forgiveness, no more shame or guilt. You are my beloved one, you are the light of my soul and love of my heart. My dearest lutefisk, do you remember the words you once told me, words that scorched my soul yet brought me so much understanding and light? You do not owe me guilt or shame, sweetheart. You owe me nothing at all, except maybe happiness.

"Come back to me, pet. We'll face the future together. Whatever it may hold. For I am now, and forever,

"Yours."

Elsa had signed it herself; Anna had seen Elsa's signature a thousand times or more over the years, but never with this shaky, almost unreal quality.

She held the letter against her heart and let its goodness seep into her soul, erasing the bitter memories of blood and men and wolves.

And after a time, when sleep still would not come, and the summer night was hot and sticky around her, the room all dark and cluttered with memories bitter and sweet, Anna got up and strode over to Elsa's little writing table in the corner of her room. She lit a lamp, took a piece of stationery and awkwardly picked up the pen. It wouldn't sit correctly with the strip of plaster cast covering her lower palm and circling over her thumb, but if she held it carefully, she could still write.

"Dearest Elsa,

"Thank you for your letter. I've read it at least twenty times since receiving it earlier today. I'm glad that the couriers can make the journey to the chalet in only a few hours, because I want to send this letter to you in the morning, and I would love to receive anything else you are able to send back.

"I felt better after reading it, I admit. I don't know where my head is these days - all my life I've been cursed with thoughts that scamper all willy-nilly through my mind, often stampeding right out my mouth as well - but I've never felt as confused and conflicted as I have lately. There is just so much to adjust to. Losing you as my sister has uprooted my entire identity. And gaining you as my cousin and my lover is now the only thing keeping me sane.

"I feel like I'm going to vibrate apart, Elsa. That old proverb says that the truth will make us free, but I don't feel free. I feel fear, Elsa - and fear has been a rarity for me. I've been too impulsive for fear. Then again, I've also been too sheltered for fear as well. In my search to find you after the freeze, I was too exhilarated in my sudden freedom to be afraid. Even in my sword training I was not afraid. Pain was always temporary.

"But now I see the consequences of my actions in a whole new light. I see them not only in my broken wrist, but in your bandages and your pain. I see them in the marks on your face, in the hole over your heart. I see these consequences in my dreams and my nightmares. You say that you love me and forgive me, but I need to continue to forgive myself.

"It's strange, but I found something that actually helps. I force myself to imagine the worst. I force myself to imagine that you could be dead instead of injured, and then I'm able to rationalize what I've done. I think of five wolves, an entire pack of wolves, and two men, and I remember what the Captain of the Guard told me. He said that not even seasoned fighters would always win against such odds. Yes, it could have been worse, much worse. It could be your funeral I would attend tomorrow.

"And the thought of losing you, my dearest heart, my precious one, is more than I can bear. This is my greatest fear of all. Losing the light you have brought into my life. Losing the love, the laughter, and the future that we are daring to create day by day.

"I think I'm growing up, Elsa. Because in hours like this one, where I miss you so terribly, and the fear has its black claws in my heart, I'm trying to look inside my fear.

"When I dare to look inside my fear, when I dare to step within the range of its black claws, I find something amazing, Elsa. It is love. So much love. I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love you.

"I will try to be strong for you. Strong enough to forgive not only my father, who deceived us for so many years in the name of duty, and not only the men who tried to kill us at the chalet, but also to forgive myself.

"Tomorrow will be a hard day, Elsa. Nils' funeral is tomorrow. I will have to stand there alone, I will have to speak the words of his valour and his sacrifice. But though my body is here, my heart is with you.

"Rest now, sweetheart. Write to me if you can. I'll see you again soon.

"Your,

"Anna."

As soon as she finished the letter, she sealed it with Elsa's personal seal. She then stirred from her room long enough to press it into the hand of the guard outside her door, giving instruction to have it couriered to the chalet with the coming of the dawn.

And then she slept, and once again she slept in peace, not knowing that Elsa's silence and serenity could radiate even this far; a sacred connection forged by blood yet consecrated by love, a filament connecting them through the broken heart of the earth. Anna had pledged her lifeblood and her health without knowing that Elsa had pledged her peace and her eternal loyalty.

And the heart of the earth itself, broken as it was by an ancient rite, grew stronger.

...

"Dear Anna,

"Sera has allowed me to sit up for a while today, so I am able to write this in my own hand. Thank you for your letter, and for sharing your thoughts so openly with me. I love knowing what you are thinking and feeling; it helps me feel so much more connected with you, and part of the burdens you must bear.

"I'm not sure if anything I say can influence or change how you will adapt to all the truth we have been told. For myself, I can feel the truth settling deep inside me, touching some deep and perhaps hidden core that always knew that there was something wrong. I can remember instances of wondering how I became the way I am, where my magical power comes from, and what led Agnarr to make the choices he did. The reality of Henrik and Isolde has partially healed this parental breach, though the moment I think of Isolde as a captive of the huntsman I could just cry.

"The future scares me, Anna. Sera told me everything she promised to tell. I know it all now. But like you, this truth doesn't exactly set me free. In fact, it fills me with terror. Who am I to combat this man who has scourged our family and our nation for generations? What power do I have to vanquish him? I always knew that my life would be narrow, and filled with the duty of ruling Arendelle. But this new duty is far heavier than any crown, and it fills me with horror. I am just me, Anna. I am only Elsa. I don't allow myself to think of these things very long, for I do not want to despair.

"Yet, despite everything that has happened, we are together. We found each other, and we have survived. There have been calamities, and we have withstood them. This gives me hope, though it be but a sliver. I'll hold on to that hope, because that hope is you, Anna.

"I'm starting to hurt, so I will finish my letter by saying that I was so pleased to hear from you. I'm doing better, and hope to get out of bed in two days (by which time you may be home again). There is no infection, though surely that is in part due to Sera's additional sacrifice. Her loyalty knows no bounds. I am recovering faster than anyone can believe. So do not fret, sweetheart. Like you said, pain is temporary.

"Love is forever.

"With all my heart,

"Your Elsa."

...

"My Elsa,

"We can probably stop thanking each other for the letters, but I must admit I was very glad to see it when I returned home from the funeral today. We held it in the royal cathedral, the same place where you were crowned a month ago. It was packed to the gills with Nils' family, the nobility of Arendelle, and as many villagers as could fit inside. More people swelled the courtyards without the church, and my heart was heavy as I saw all those lives that Nils had touched. Johan stood with Nils' family, and he looked at me with such strength, such conviction, that he alone gave me the courage to continue on.

"I managed to give the eulogy without tears, but it was as hard as I had feared. I spoke simply, telling everyone how he had sacrificed himself for us, giving up his life for his Princess and his Queen. I had to tell some part of the story of the fight against men and wolves, and I could feel the eyes of the crowd upon me. Everyone kept staring at me, though perhaps they were staring at your sword, which I have kept on my waist. Though we all tried to downplay your absence, I could hear all the whispering, the conjectures that followed in my wake.

"I understand now the necessity of keeping Erasmus a secret. Though I told the story of Nils' sacrifice, it feels incomplete. It feels like the weight of all the lies we have been told throughout our lives, keeping us from the truth for our own good. I don't know if you feel as I do, Elsa, but in my heart I wonder if this recent attack was orchestrated by our ancient enemy. We know him to be a man of many abilities - could he have found mastery over men and wolves as well? Who else could possibly want us dead? My head would blame Hans, and would fabricate a story of revenge by the prince of the Southern Isles who was so dreadfully humiliated while he was here, but my heart knows otherwise. The wolves, Elsa. The wolves change everything.

"Though perhaps I'm chasing at shadows, and seeing ghosts and enemies where there are none. I can't trust my head anymore, Elsa. And I'm not sure if I can trust my heart, either.

"I felt quite ill when the funeral was over, and came back to the castle to find your letter waiting for me. Thank you, Elsa. I needed your voice and your words today. They are no substitute for your reality, but they will be enough. For now.

"God, I miss you. I miss your hair, shining in the sunlight. I miss the curve of your lips when you smile. I miss the coolness of your skin against mine. I want to hold you, Elsa. I want you to hold me, and love me.

"Excuse me for a moment.

"Okay, I'm back. I had a little cry, but I'm okay now. Also, Kai told me that Kristoff and Olaf are waiting to talk to me. I don't want to see them. I don't want to see anyone. I only want you.

"Too bad we don't always get what we want.

"I'm sorry, Elsa. It's been an emotional day. I better sign off here before I get too melancholy. The thought of seeing you keeps me going. Two more days. I'll see the trolls tomorrow, and then I'm coming home to you the day after.

"Because wherever you are is home to me.

"Always your,

"Anna."

Anna signed the letter and sat back in her chair. Thin silver moonlight spilled through the curtains of Elsa's bedroom. Anna felt bereft, emptied. The events of the day had been too much to bear alone. It reminded her of how she had attended her parents' funeral, alone. How there had been anger mixed with her sorrow, anger that Elsa would not join her and support her in such grim circumstances. That same fiery bitter mixture was on her tongue again, this time directed at her dead parents and the secrets they had kept.

Then the enormity of her loss swallowed her, just as the vast gullet of a vengeful ocean had swallowed the fates, futures, and mistakes of her mother and father.

Without warning, she began to cry in earnest. She sat in Elsa's bedchamber and cried for ages, finally feeling the floodgates of her soul open wide. She wept for the loss of her parents, for Agnarr and Idunn and the weight of the world and its secrets that had been upon their shoulders. She cried for the rage that had stormed her heart since reading Agnarr's letter, for the slight ember of hatred that yet remained, and for all the lies she had been told since her childhood.

She wept for that lost childhood, the separation that had kept she and Elsa apart for so many years. She cried for the book she once stole from Synneva's office, and all the hidden dreams of Sapphic love she had concocted over the last few years. She cried for the desperation that compelled her to throw herself into Hans' arms, the same desperation that fuelled her search for Elsa after the truth of Elsa's magic had emerged.

She wept for Elsa's fate, for the future that took her closer and closer to the huntsman. Anna cried for Henrik, for Isolde, and for Synneva Avundir, who had loved them both. She wept for the unknown future, this strange destiny that rested as heavy as mountains upon the woman she loved. She wept, knowing that she wasn't capable of saving Elsa, not every time that Elsa needed to be saved.

When she thought of Elsa dead at the hands of the huntsman, she dissolved completely. She could see it all too clearly; her beloved one broken and lifeless on the ground while some dark shadow loomed over her. She could see the cairn to be raised next to Elsa's false parents, and she could see herself standing there, alone once more. Their severed future would haunt Anna for the rest of her life; could she ever possibly move on, should Elsa die?

And after a time, Anna didn't even know why she wept. Save that the tears felt good, even though they burned her face and made her eyes puffy. She only knew that the tears were like removing a festering splinter, one that had long lain in her heart, and that Sera had begged for her to let these dams open.

Once again, the physician had been right.

After she wept, she slept, her arm cast out to one side, even in sleep yearning for the woman she loved.

...

"My Anna,

"I got your letter by 10 in the morning today. But by the time you get my reply, you will have already visited the trolls. You can only imagine how I long to be with you, sharing these experiences that you must have. I can hardly wait to see you again. To hold you in my arms. To kiss you. Only now, when your return is so close, can I say what is really on my mind. I dared not before, lest I keep you from your duty.

"My hand is stronger, can you see it? Every day I feel better and better, and even Synneva is looking stronger than before. My recovery can only be deemed miraculous. I wish I could just be thankful that the pain is retreating, that there is no infection, but I think I'm beginning to see under the surfaces of things. Could it be that there is a greater power at work within me?

"Magic, Anna. I never wondered where it came from. I never considered the price. But these past few days, seeing Synneva's haggard face, knowing she spoke an oath of sacrifice on my behalf, it makes me wonder. It makes me wonder about you. You are now the holder of the heart of the earth, the same gem that once resided in our mutual ancestor. Did you speak another oath, Anna? Does the health that runs through my veins also come from you?

"I write these words, knowing that you will read them come the evening. You never told me why you felt such a need to visit the trolls, so I can only imagine what is going through your head. I am curious, Anna. Do you wonder at Grand Pabbie's role in our ongoing deception, or in the removal of your memories? Or do you seek other wisdom that only the most ancient of the trolls can provide?

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't pester you with these questions.

"I just miss you so much.

"Come home to me, Anna. Let me dwell in your heart. In my dreams, we are together forever. There is nothing in this world that can keep us apart.

"But they are dreams. I need your reality. I need you.

"I marvel sometimes at the depth of my love for you. I can scarcely recall all those blunted, hidden years where my only experience of you was fleeting and unplanned - a glimpse of your hair as you turned a corner, the ghost of your laugh coming from the courtyard. The ache of not having you in my life was constant, though I consoled myself by saying it was for your own good. I truly believed that I could bring you only pain, that I couldn't protect you from the beast of magic inside me.

"If you hadn't stolen my glove that night, Anna... I don't even want to think about what our lives would still look like. How I would still be bereft of you. It astonishes me to think of all the love and joy we have discovered, the length and breadth of life we have experienced in the short time since my coronation, and know that it all hinged on that one action alone. Thank the gods you took my glove that night.

"Never change, Anna. Your true nature is needed. For are you not also descended from angels?

"I am so proud of you, my dear. I wish I could have been with you at Nils' funeral, adding my own thanks for his valour. I wish I could stand by your side when you speak with Kristoff and Olaf, supporting you in your words. I wish I could hold you in my arms as you sleep, so that you could know that you are valued, you are protected, and you are so very loved.

"I cannot write anymore. Missing you is more painful than my wounds.

"How I love you, Anna. Come home to me.

"Come now.

"Elsa."

...

A/N: You may be pleased to know that I am writing several chapters ahead, and plan on updating this story once a week, on Wednesdays, until it is done. And the end, dear readers, is closer than you think. The end of this story, at least.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I'm quite excited about the next. Chapter 24 may be my favourite chapter of all - I'm quite proud of how it turned out. Please share your thoughts, comments, favourite parts, etc!