KATE: Yep, let’s meet. You sound awesome :) BTW, how tall are you?

Steve: 5ft 9 in socks, taller in heels! ;-) You?

Kate: Sorry, I only like tall guys :(

When it comes to height, the dating game can be as brutal as a footy grand final. If the guy doesn’t measure up to a woman’s expectations, he’ll get cut before he even gets a chance to make a play for her affection.

It appears that, subconsciously, many women still subscribe to the patriarchal image of what coupledom should look like: a strapping hunk of spunk dwarfing his short, slight sheila. But if you think the language is outdated, maybe so is the picture.

Why do women often make height such a non-negotiable deal breaker? A study by the University of North Texas found women looked to date men who were taller than them for “protection and femininity reasons”, despite advances in equality. While just 13 per cent of men specified wanting to date women shorter than them, almost half of the women said they were only looking to date taller men.

When ascertaining the height of their perfect match, many women use the formula: h + = . For those not versed in made-up mathematical formulas, that’s your height plus the height of your highest heels – and perhaps add a little more for good measure.

Internet dating perpetuates the notion. On dating sites such as OKC, Match and RSVP, you can filter out men by height criteria. Tinder doesn’t oblige you to reveal vital statistics, however that doesn’t stop guys referencing their dimensions. Whether it’s humble bragging, “6ft 4in – only writing that because it appears important to you ladies,” or issuing a short-dude disclaimer, “5ft 6in – just putting it out there. Swipe left if that’s a problem.”

Women, meanwhile, openly declare their heightism in the vein of, “I’m only attracted to tall men. Don’t bother if you’re under 6ft,” or, “Not into short guys. Sorry.” Diana, 38, is 5ft 4in (1.62m), but has a 6ft (1.82m) rule. “I can’t help who I’m attracted to,” she says. “It’s just my thing.”

Similarly, Mary, 33, at 5ft 8in (1.72m), wears her highest heels on a date as a height litmus test, to catch out liars. “Guys delude themselves and add a couple of extra inches. It’s so annoying when you like them but they’re too short,” she says.

What if you fell in love with a dude who’s shorter, I ask? “It won’t happen. I’d rather be single,” she replies. “I’ve spent too much money on my heel collection to wear flats for life.”

Harsh. But on the dating playing field, the tallest thrive. However, if a guy openly stated he only dated women who can rock a size 8 mini, we’d be morally outraged. But it seems far more acceptable for women to discriminate and even disparage guys that literally don’t measure up. (Would you like a side order of hypocrite with that physical double standard, ladies?)

Then women moan that there just aren’t any decent men out there. Not surprising, if they’re rejecting a great swath of the male population by setting unrealistic height restrictions.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the average height for a man is 175.6cm (5ft 9in). By setting the bar any higher, we’ve just rejected Jared Leto, Zayn Malik, Justin Bieber (probably a good thing) and Robert Downey Jr even before he’s ordered a latte on the first date.

Steve, 33, isn’t a celebrity – he’s a media planner from Melbourne. An avid Tinder user, he’s also the lucky recipient of the message at the start of this article. “Invariably, the height conversation comes up before the hook-up. I’ve been rejected countless times on height alone. Women just want tall.”

Obviously, physical attraction is an essential component to falling in love, but to disregard someone you find attractive because of their height is limiting yourself. “The question is, how many people are you screening out with your prejudices?” asks Emma Marlin, a psychotherapist. “The first step in challenging our own subconscious attraction biases is to notice them, and then challenge your beliefs.

“We’re told we can’t help who we’re attracted to, but I disagree,” she adds. “It’s much healthier, and you have more chance of finding love, if you think about the qualities you want to find, rather than the physicality.

“For example, I want someone kind, who doesn’t play games, isn’t into drama, has a good relationship with alcohol, who loves their family and loves themselves, but in a healthy way. Then you can experiment by doing something different. Go on a date with someone who ticks all of your boxes but doesn’t match up to your height restrictions. You may be pleasantly surprised. If your values align, your attraction may, too.”

Marion, 40, took that advice and is now happily married to Arthur, who’s a good inch and a half (4cm) shorter. “I did a deal with my therapist that I’d date guys I’d previously ruled out,” she says.

“When I got chatting with Arthur online, we just clicked, so we went on a date. I fell in love with the person, not the height. At first, it was challenging, even uncomfortable, dealing with my own prejudice and society’s. Now I take great pleasure in people noticing us as a couple. It’s like I’m defying convention. There’s something liberating in that.”

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