By Coleman Larkin | October 12, 2017

"Bevin told WHAS radio personality Terry Miniers on his radio show Tuesday night that as long as he is Governor, he will not allow recreational marijuana to be legalized. Bevin cited Colorado as an example of what's going wrong, saying there are people overdosing on the drug there." –WKYT

I really wish that Gov. Matt Bevin had warned Kentuckians earlier about the wave of marijuana overdoses plaguing the less pious states. Maybe then I wouldn't have taken that trip to Colorado this summer. Maybe then I wouldn't have given into temptation and experimented with "grass." But it's too late. The damage has been done. I smoked marijuana and now I'm dead.

People. Please. Listen to your godly governor. Marijuana legalization leads only to ruin. Sure, it sounds good in theory and would seem to fit perfectly within a conservative ideology that champions personal responsibility over government regulation, but don't be fooled. Smoking marijuana is neither "hip" nor "funky." The sad truth of the matter is that every year, in dystopian wastelands like Colorado, every single person that ingests marijuana in any form immediately dies and their immortal soul is condemned to an eternity of torment in the torrid pits of Hell.

These are the facts.

God, what I wouldn't give to go just three months back in time and tell my old ignorant self what Matt Bevin has so thoughtfully told all of you. Don't take his wisdom for granted. You could end up like me, your shameful body rotting under a pile of Animal Collective fans at the bottom of one of Colorado's secret mass marijuana overdose graves and your irredeemable soul being kicked in the nuts over and over again by a cloven-hoofed succubus while your poor, sweet grandmother watches helplessly from the pearly gates of Heaven.

(I'm sorry, Mammaw. The guy with the ponytail said it would make me a better bass player.)

I'm sorry, Mammaw. The guy with the ponytail said it would make me a better bass player.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is all one big joke, that aside from the obvious economic benefits associated with marijuana cultivation and sales, marijuana use also seems to be a common thread binding together many of the most successful, intelligent, innovative, and enlightened human beings who've ever lived. Well, take it from me, a guy who instantaneously died from standing too close to a Bart Simpson bong, you're an idiot.

Gov. Matt Bevin is, as usual, 100 percent correct. If Kentucky is to remain America's healthiest, wealthiest, cleanest, and most educated state, you, the living, must protect your fellow adults from the fatal effects of sativa-infused EdiPure peach-banana rings, salted caramel Cheeba Chews, Wyld brand marionberry indica gummies, Lemon Kush cannabutter, CBD arthritis salve, and any other marijuana incarnation that might threaten to undo the good work of community stewards such as Purdue Pharma and the private prison industry.

So just keep saying no to marijuana, Kentucky. And yes to whatever Matt Bevin says. Even if it doesn't sound quite right.

You don't want to wind up down here with me and Gatewood.

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Keep yourself safe and check out our warning about some dangerous Kentuckians destroying Colorado with their sinister marijuana "business."