If The AFC North Was on Yelp

It is no secret that much of society has become co-dependent on the internet. Many people form their “facts” based on the opinions of others who have no knowledge or expertise on a subject. In reality, the only qualification most reviewers have is the time to spew how they feel via the keyboard.

People will validate their actions and purchases based on the number of “likes” or positive “reviews” an item or establishment receives. We’ll search for reviews for everything from snow tires to how the guy at the 7-11 bagged your milk and toilet paper.

My girlfriend eschews relying on reviews but loves to read them and gets a good chuckle from the negative ones. Occasionally I will offer a reluctant ear as she regales me with them. In return, she is building her knowledge of football and has made great strides (this is a football website and I need to tie this together, work with me).

Her football acumen has actually eclipsed your average NFL referee, granted that particular bar isn’t set very high.

Of course this got me thinking, “What if NFL teams were reviewed like restaurants?”

So having time and a keyboard upon which to spew, I am imminently qualified to offer my ‘completely fact based’ opinions as to the following establishments. Here are my latest AFC North culinary reviews along with some force-fed food puns to chew on. Bon appétit.

(Any resemblance to any actual business is purely and sadly coincidental)

Charm City Smoked Wings

2 out of 5 stars



I’ve been going to this place for years and it has a nice homey feel to it, however when I walked in the door the other night I didn’t recognize anyone working there (I was told there was a series of unfortunate kitchen accidents).

The new staff looked like they were hustling but the results were often disappointing. Even the usually reliable Tucker tacos were off target. When I voiced my concerns to the manager, I was told that this is still the great place I’ve always known, things will be fine, the staff has a big heart and was assured that there will be no drop-off in the quality of food as they have complete faith in their people. Hard to believe this was the same place that won a prestigious award just a few years ago. I still find myself going there in hopes that it gets better, but then again I thought the movie Burnt would be a box office smash.

Steel City Macarooney Grill

2.5 out of 5 stars

The first thing you notice about this place is the 1970’s décor. This place was hopping when disco was king and has a local crowd that is quick to remind you of those good old days. Staffing seems to be an issue here as well and the head cook takes time off for everything from a head cold to a hangnail. The back up cook just doesn’t seem to have the same recipe for success and the product suffers.

The big seller is the Big B Burger, but it often disappears from the menu for long periods of time. When I asked the manager about the situation, his eyes bugged-out and he angrily told me that it is the fault of everyone, also claiming “We’re not going to live in our fears, we’re going to live on our meatloaf”. He then proceeded to trip a patron who had a clear path to the restroom. They say they have a big following, but I have found as it gets late and the kitchen struggles to keep up, the place clears out fast.

Queen City Groundhog Day Café

3 out of 5 stars

Built on the site of a former dumpster fire, this place has been a train wreck for a long time but recently has shown some promise. They certainly have the best appetizers around but that’s where it ends, and when it comes time for the main course they always seem to fall flat.

The smothered pigskin-confit fries are a great start but their signature ginger chicken doesn’t live up to expectations. The crowds here are sporadic and you can usually find many empty seats so “no reservations required”. The manager seems content to stick to the same old menu and is often seen with a shovel, no doubt to bury the leftovers. These folks just can’t seem to earn their stripes as a top-notch destination.

Miss Steaks on the Lake

.5 out of 5 stars

If I could give this place zero stars I would. This mom and pop joint features a horribly bland and ugly décor that compliments the repugnantly inedible cuisine. They seem to always have a help wanted sign on the door. Cooks and managers have come and gone, the menu never changes, and they use the same brown sauce on everything. I wouldn’t feed this stuff to my dog. The owners have been promising a total renovation of the place for years but have done nothing but slap a coat of paint on it. I am not sure how they stay in business. Lately there have been reports of raucous staff parties in the kitchen. This is NOT a kid friendly place. If you find yourself in this neighborhood, do yourself a favor and go to LeBron’s just down the street.