Remember that time winter lasted for forever/it’s probably going to snow tomorrow anyways? I know I’m not the only one shaking my fist at the sky significantly more than usual this season. I’ve cursed the gray skies, told the snow to suck it, given the wind the finger. My anger at the weather burned like a thousand Amish-made Fake Fireplace Heaters. But you know what? Nothing helped. These last few days have been beautiful but that almost made me madder. It could have been so nice so long ago!

Then I figured it out. If Mother Nature wants to take away spring 2014, I’m going to say “Fuck you. I don’t even want your spring. I’m moving on to summer.” I’m going to say it to myself first, see how it feels, and then try it out on my dog and then maybe mumble it in a public place or something.

But first I’m going to prove my point with some summer rolls. Surprisingly easy to make, undoubtedly mind-blowing to your friends, summer rolls are an awesome light treat for your put-on-some-6-month-long-winter-weight bod. Fucking weather. Anyways, I chose to marinate portobello mushrooms for the main taste here. If you’re not familiar with Shirataki noodles, check them out the next time you go to the grocery. They’re wacky but like in a fun way. They work well here but you can of course pick and choose what you want in these rolls. Lots of lots of things will work well. All I would suggest is to make sure there’s at least one crunchy element in there, if not more.

SUMMER ROLLS

makes 8 or so

nutrition: 48 calories . 8g carbs . 1g fat . 2g protein . 1g fiber . 2g sugar



ingredients:

MUSHROOM + MARINADE

1 large portobello mushroom cap or 2 medium ones, washed and sliced into strips

1-2 clove sof garlic

1 teaspoon minced ginger

3 tablespoons reduced sodium soy sauce

2 tablespoons lite seasoned rice vinegar

½ teaspoon sesame oil

¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes

a squirt of sriracha (optional)

THE REST OF IT

1 teaspoon cornstarch

1 teaspoon peanut butter

1 teaspoon powdered peanut butter

8 rice paper wrappers

green/orange/red bell pepper, julienned

carrots, julienned

sprouts

4oz shirataki angel hair noodles

anything else your little heart desires

I’m wearing nothing but shorts from here on out. That’s right. Topless summer, motherfuckers…

Start by making the marinade for your mushrooms. Mince the garlic in a food processor/chopper. Add in the rest of the ingredients and give if a few spins in the food processor. Get out a tupperware container and lay your mushroom strips in there. Poor the marinade over. Give it a shake maybe. Alternatively, you could probably accomplish all this in a Ziploc baggie. Refrigerate for at least an hour but overnight would be a dream come true/significantly tastier.

When ready, remove your mushrooms from the fridge and out of the tupperware/baggie while retaining the leftover marinade. Whisk that leftover marinade with 1/2 cup of water and a teaspoon of cornstarch. Heat this mixture up over medium high heat until you get a little boil. Bring the temperature down and let the mixture cook until it’s thickened some. Remove from heat and put it in a food processor/chopper with the peanut butter and pb powder. Pulse a few times til smooth.

If you’re using the shirataki noodles, now would be a good time to un-funkify them. Drain the noodles from it’s liquid and run hot water over the noodles for about 30 seconds. Transfer the noodles to a microwave safe bowl and microwave it for 30-60 seconds. Rinse with cold water until the noodles are cool and drain again. Un-funkified!

Get out a large plate with a bit of a lip and fill it with some warm water. Take out your rice paper sheets and rehydrate those suckers by submersing them, one at a time and only when you’re ready to make them. In other words, rehydrate one sheet at a time, make the summer roll, and then repeat.

Spread a light layer of sauce (I’m talking like >5g worth here) no more than 3 inches wide or so in the middle of the lower third of the wrapper. Pile on your other fillings. Now start rolling…fuck this. Follow the handy dandy diagram below!

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