Anxiety sucks.

Imagine walking into a room with people and feeling out of place the minute you step foot in the door. You hear two people laughing beside you, most likely about some stupid Tweet by a mutual friend, and the first thought enters your head is that they must be making a joke about you. Paranoia. Feeling uncomfortable. Wanting to be anywhere in the world except there with people who probably didn’t even give you a second glance but you can’t help but think are judging you in their heads.

Ever since I was in middle school I’ve had social anxiety. I went through a stretch in my youth where I was heavily depressed, was apathetic to the world, and was scared to open up about anything. I would go to school with an obvious painstaking look on my face and sit as far back from the class as I could, hoping no one would call on me or try to ask me a question. I did well on tests and was commended for having a sharp mind, but my grades continued to sink as I got into high school and felt the pressure to fit in around me. Before I knew it, I was failing most of my classes in Freshman year because I was too worried about what the kid on the JV football team thought of me instead of caring about the homework my teacher passed out.

Lately there seems to be an influx of stories in the eSport scene revolving around depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. For a large part of my life I was scared to admit that I was severely depressed at some point or that I was still anguished by the social anxiety anchor on my back. I understand why people in eSports or in general don’t tell people that they have anxiety or are depressed. Everyone wants to feel ‘normal’ in some way, and admitting that you’re frightened to be around people and/or you’re depressed is the opposite of ‘normal’ to a lot of people. Telling someone that you have social anxiety is like telling someone there is something wrong with you, and I always wanted to be seen as one of those ‘normal’ kids instead of being looked down upon.

To be honest, even now, I have trouble talking about my anxiety. I don’t like big crowds, and I get paranoid over the smallest stuff you wouldn’t even realize if you met me. There have been times when I’ve been granted amazing chances to do things that most people would kill for, but I’ve been too afraid to take the step forward. When I see people in eSports dealing with depression and/or anxiety, it hurts knowing that I understand what they’re going through but don’t like talking about it myself due to my own narcissistic self belief that I’m totally ‘normal’ and above those stages in my life.

Letting you guys on a secret, I didn’t want a Twitter at first. I really hated the idea of social media and doing anything on it. I was pestered consistently by friends and colleagues that I was too entertaining to not get a Twitter and make awful 140 character jokes about eSports and pop culture. In the end, a friend and colleague of mine helped me make an account, told me to use it, and I was thrown into the deep end trying to talk to people when I’ve never really been good at in my life.

Now, obviously, I love Twitter and interacting with people. I’ve made great friends and met a lot of important connections through it, and I wouldn’t be as successful (semi-successful? partly-successful?) with my writing if it wasn’t for me getting a Twitter. But when I started I didn’t think anyone would care to follow me or respond to my stupid Tweets and articles. My greatest fear that kept me away from social media up until that point was that worst nightmare would be realized: no one liked me. No one thought I was talented. I would get 7 followers (all spam accounts asking me if I wanted to buy a toaster), I’d be irrelevant in my career choice, and I would eventually delete it to put those poor spam toasters out of their misery.

The thing about anxiety and depression is that you can’t always tell if someone has either. When I was a teenager, I only thought that gawky, awkward, and nerdy guys or girls like me could have these problems. Why would someone who is super attractive and has more real friends than my imaginary ones ever have any issues in their life? What a load of bull. How could someone with a successful life ever be afraid of people or be severely depressed?

I’ve come to learn that it doesn’t matter how attractive, smart, successful, or rich you are when it comes to mental illness. I’ve met people in the eSports world that are amazing at their jobs, have a significant other, get paid well and still are depressed or have major anxiety. And a lot of the time those people are the ones who are most afraid to come out and say they have depression or anxiety because it might make them look ‘weak’ or not equal to their peers. Even now when I have almost 40,000 people following me on Twitter, am given tons of loving support by followers, and have a bright future ahead of me in eSports writing, I still deal with social anxiety on a daily basis and have trouble overcoming the same things that plagued me when I was 14-years-old and looking up to my own sport journalists.

I’m not going to lie: it’s hard. Sometimes when I don’t feel well or just want to be alone for two weeks with no noise, I still try to act cheerful and in control of my life so that the people that like me now will continue to like me tomorrow. Especially on the internet where you can have 1,430 kudos by people and ignore all of those awesome people because three random people are making fun of you for whatever reason. That’s why I hate it when fans look at players as ‘whiners’ when they get upset over random people calling them disgusting things on Twitch chat or on Reddit. Yes, they get a lot more support than hate, but being a young adult and having your life analyzed daily under a microscope can be painstakingly stressful.

Players, personalities, fans, whoever shouldn’t be afraid to talk to people about having issues in their life. Life can suck a lot of the time, no matter if you’re a superstar player baking a six figure contract or you’re a fan of said player, wishing that you could stand in their shoes. We’re all just people at the end of the day. We all have our own hangups, issues, and problems that we’ve went through in our life. Just because someone is successful and doing well today doesn’t mean they weren’t standing where you were not too long ago.

The worst thing someone ever said to me was in 10th grade of high school. My ‘friend’ at the time, we hung out with other guys at lunch and just joked around before I had to go back to the torture that was classes. While we were playing catch with a tennis ball or something equally as spherical, he asked me why I wasn’t normal. I responded by laughing and asking what he meant, but he replied right away by saying, ‘Y’know, you always have a pained look on your face, and you never want to do anything after school. You don’t really fit in, man.’

So now, eight years removed from that incident, I still think in the back of my head if I really fit in — even in eSports, or journalism in general. I’ve made passing remarks before on Twitter that I’ve gone through depression and social anxiety, but I really haven’t been open about it before. I was scared that it would make me look like a loser or not fit in with the people I now call friends in eSports and journalism.

But, thinking about it, what is that going to accomplish? Being quiet and dealing with mental illness through alcohol, drugs, or self loathing isn’t going to fix anything or change anything from the past. This isn’t some Chicken Soup for the Soul inspiring piece about how I overcame all the demons in my life and am now a successful journalist with nothing but happy thoughts. I still deal with social anxiety every single day, and I am doing my best to take steps where I can deal with it to the best of my ability.

I’m never going to be what the general public think is normal.

I’m always going to have stupid paranoid thoughts in my head, most likely.

And while it isn’t the funnest thing to think about, I’m also thankful for everything I have. So, anxiety or not, I’m going to keep doing what I think I do best: write about people playing video games, make stupid Tweets on social media, and hopefully, continue taking steps to make people realize that feeling ‘normal’ isn’t the be-all and end-all of life.