Is the epidemic of setting and meeting expectations getting worse by the day?

I waved at my nephew as he boarded the school van. He was three, and all he could speak clearly were “Amma, Nana, Wata (water) and Naadi (mine).” Yet, he was ready to be put in school. My mother always recollects how I pestered her to put me in school even before I was of sufficient age. How naive of me! I must have thought that school means lunch box and pencil box. It is just the beginning of an incessant journey. Once you are done, you are ready for college. Math and science are the expectations. Nobody ever asks if you are interested in geography or economics. Your mind is so dizzy with the running race that you are already in the final year of engineering before you realise that you are not born to be an engineer.

But you have no time to dwell on such thoughts. It is already late; you should be looking for a job by this time. The job-hunting stress is even more for men because only five digits count. For girls, the next milestone is you-know-what-comes-next. (sexism rant for another day) Your daughter is 22 and has a job? It is time to get married. You daughter is 22 and not ready to get married? You should see a babaji. Your daughter is 22, has a boyfriend and ready to get married? You still have to see a babaji. Much worse, see an exorcist.

And once you are married, the ultimate goal of the homo sapien species pops up. Parents, neighbours, relatives, everyone is waiting for your kid and its rude to keep people kicking their heels. When my best friend got married a couple of months ago, his grandfather announced as soon as the nuptials were done that he was ready to die; he was just waiting to see the great-grandchild. He was already setting expectations for the bride and the groom.

I literally face-palmed. It was an arranged marriage and they had not yet emotionally bonded with each other. But what has anything got to do with emotions? If you are married, you are ready to have kids. It’s a biological process and people can even persuade you to put it in the mechanical category. Expectations first.

The day I watched my nephew get into that bus, something in me snapped. That was where my journey started too. Day after day, year after year, expectation after expectation, the race never ended. Education, work and getting married all were done as per time frames and specifications. Next would be having kids, triggering the next cycle and supervising it.

I loved my job, but being a software engineer was not something I had done out of passion. Nothing else was obvious to me at that time. I was just playing safe. Our society has carved out a life cycle for us and I had simply obliged. When I realised I was not on the best track, I didn’t have the guts to restart

But this time it was different. The realisation and self-confidence level were strong. Having a supportive spouse must have helped. I quit my job to reconsider my passions. I will Try and Succeed. Or Fail. But I have decided to try. And give myself a couple of years at least before committing myself to the life-cycle formula.

My family was perplexed. They said it is time to have kids and settle down, not to start experimenting with my career. “Girls are educated so they can help their kids to do homework. Stop running behind money and have kids. Who will take care of kids if you work?” said one wise aunt. Thanks aunty. You were the one who always called me on the day of exam results to find whether I have done better than your son — which I always have. You should have given this advice when I was toiling for the exams. I guess working moms can take care of kids as well. If they can’t, people are welcome to help but not to criticise.

It won’t make good engineers or doctors because “elders know better than you”. It is simply not right to marry because the “age express will leave the platform shortly” and we cannot have kids because grandfather’s sister is postponing her death to see her great-grandchild.

No doubt things are changing but we need to be shrewder. Let us stop being the nosy relatives and neighbours putting unnecessary pressure on individuals. Let us stop the stereotyping that puts men under the unfair obligation of earning enough and earning alone and suffocates women to give up their aspirations to fulfill domestic responsibilities. The times have changed and they can share both the roles.

Let us stop taunting parents for the choices their kids make. Let us make efforts and failures a part of the success-obsessed ecosystem. Let us make it slightly easier for people who make difficult choices and want to take their own time to settie down. Let us live and let live.

anumula.deepthireddy@gmail.com