In recent months, bicycle safety has been a hot topic in the city of Lexington with more and more annoying cyclists getting struck by motorists along the busier roads. In fact, hitting a cyclist or two along the way has become a right of passage in Fayette County, even after the hippies forced the city to install bike lanes. In light of this, former vice mayor Jim Gray has announced that tight ropes be installed above Nicholasville Road, from Fayette Mall to the side of the 5/3 building downtown, where cyclists would then be able to do a sweet endo or wheelie from a couple stories up to reach ground level safely.

“In test trials, cyclists that stayed on the tightrope were noticeably safer than those at street level,” said Gray, “The ones that fell off of the ropes were usually a little knicked up by traffic below, reinforcing just how dangerous that doggone traffic is.” In an effort to reduce falls, the former vice mayor has enlisted the help of a Russian immigrant circus family to teach tightrope classes to cyclists.

NCC approached the governor, asking if any funding for the project was coming from the state level. “I won’t approve funding for a project that has immigrant circus families come in and take Kentucky jobs, they should just install some of those blue mats that used to be under elementary school kids’ climbing ropes. You know I’m a big fan of safety mats – that’s why they call me Safety Mats Bevin! Or I dunno… wear a helmet, genius!” said Safety Mats Bevin, while pointing at his phone before snapping a ‘sick burn’ selfie.

Funding approved, the construction of the tightrope would be scheduled to start when the city finds a way to drive away pests that might commonly be found on lines impeding cyclists’ paths – pests like birds, squirrels, and Time Warner cable employees. There is a press conference scheduled for later this week outside of Lexington’s Pedal Power Bike Shop where it is expected Bevin and the former vice mayor will announce their plans. “With the boost of sales to local bike shops and the ease of use of these tightropes, we think it will be a Schwinn-Schwinn situation,” quipped the owner of Pedal Power while smirking at his own pun. Nobody else laughed.