With the release of John Sickels’ list a few days ago, all the major prospect rankings are now out, and one thing is clear: Everyone hates the Mariners and is totally biased. But have no fear, I have taken it upon myself to compile my own list of top Mariners prospects, which I can confidently say is completely unbiased and entirely accurate.

Each player on this list will receive a letter grade, which is pretty self-explanatory. A prospects are great, C prospects are meh. I will also grade the players’ individual tools on the 20-80 scale. Finally, I will provide a short write-up and a comparable player to give you an idea of the player’s MLB potential. All rankings are guaranteed to be 100% accurate and predictive of future success barring injuries and/or sabotage by Arte Moreno’s army of trained monkeys. If you disagree with any of my rankings, you are an idiot and wrong.

So without further ado, I present WhyGodWhy’s top 10 Mariner prospects for 2014!

1. Taijuan Walker, RHP. A+

Fastball: 80 Curveball: 80 Cutter: 80 Changeup: 80 Command: 80 Taste in TV shows: 80

Walker is totally awesome and the best at everything in the world. And he only started pitching like four years ago so he is definitely going to be the greatest pitcher of all time. He is a phenomenal athlete and if he wanted he could easily become a pro in literally any other sport, including bobsled, curling, and elephant polo. Luckily for us, though, he chose baseball. The injury issues might be worrying if he weren’t literally a demigod sent to save the Mariners.

MLB comp: Walter Johnson

2. James Paxton, LHP. A+

Fastball: 80 Curveball: 80 Cutter: 80 Changeup: 80 Command: 80 Being Canadian: 80

Paxton struggled for a little while but then became awesome after the team suggested he try to emulate Clayton Kershaw. Unfortunately, Paxton took that a bit too literally and became injured after seeing Kershaw do the same. The trainers have probably talked some sense into him now and he will never be injured again.

MLB comp: Randy Johnson

3. DJ Peterson, 3B. A+

Hit: 80 Power: 80 Glove: 70 Speed: 60 Arm: 80

Peterson would probably be on the Mariners already and hitting about .350/.450/.700 if some jackass hadn’t broken his jaw with a pitch last season. In the future, throwing balls at his face will be the only way to keep him from hitting dingers everywhere. I estimate he will average around 50 a year, and will probably break both of Bonds’ records so everyone will love DJ for giving us a clean home run king once again. He’s not super fast and doesn’t have the glove of Manny Machado or someone, but when you hit that well, who cares?

MLB comp: Miguel Cabrera

4. Edwin Diaz, RHP. A+

Fastball: 80 Slider: 80 Changeup: 60 Command: 55

Diaz is only 20 and super skinny still and already strikes out everybody. He will likely bulk up a bit more before he reaches the majors, which should bump his fastball velocity from the current mid-high 90’s to around 105 or so. His command isn’t great yet, but he might improve on it and even if he doesn’t, what are a few walks when you strike out everyone? He will probably throw multiple no-hitters and strike out around 300-350 batters per season.

MLB comp: Nolan Ryan

5. Victor Sanchez, RHP. A+

Fastball: 70 Curveball: 70 Changeup: 80 Command: 80 Waist size: 80

Sanchez is only 19 and already in AA ball, and unlike most young pitchers he can throw any of his pitches anywhere he wants at any time. If he wanted, he could throw a curveball that would unlock your door, turn the corner, and land in your hand right now so that you catch it without even noticing. He is a big kid, but that just makes him durable. Think about it, have you ever heard of a sumo wrestler getting Tommy John surgery? I didn’t think so.

MLB comp: Cy Young

6. Tyler Marlette, C. A+

Hit: 80 Power: 80 Glove: 80 Speed: 65 Arm: 80

Marlette has always had super mega awesome power. In high school he hit a dinger at a showcase in Petco park that went, if I remember correctly, 850 feet. He’s been working on his contact and glove work and now is super awesome at those and also can throw out all base stealers ever. I hope the Mariners face the Reds when Marlette makes the big club because I want to see Billy Hamilton cry.

MLB* comp: Josh Gibson

*Yes I know he never actually played in the major leagues. Shut up.

7. Austin Wilson, OF. A+

Hit: 80 Power: 80 Glove: 70 Speed: 75 Arm: 80

Wilson fell to the second round of last year’s draft because the coaches at Stanford are idiots or something and teach everyone to swing like Chone Figgins. Now that the Mariners’ coaches have him, Wilson’s swing is significantly improved and now he will hit all the dingers. Despite being 6’5" and built like Sasquatch, he is also a very good defensive numbers, and I conservatively project him for Ichiro-level defense in right field.

MLB comp: Hank Aaron

8. Luiz Gohara, LHP. A+

Fastball: 80 Curveball: 70 Slider: 70 Changeup: 50 Command: 50

Gohara is still pretty unpolished, but that is because he is 17 and from the non-baseball hotbed of Brazil. As he matures and gets in innings against high-level competition he should refine his secondary pitches and command. He’s already big and well-built with a mid-90’s fastball which should jump up a few ticks. He should hit the majors in a year or two and proceed to become the best Brazilian pitcher ever, which is not a very hard thing to do, and also the best pitcher ever (except for Walker), which is harder. Then he will marry a supermodel and record a groundbreaking album and become an astronaut and invent faster-than-light travel and establish the first off-world colony on Kepler 186f.

MLB comp: Lefty Grove

9. Gabriel Guerrero, OF. A+

Hit: 80 Power: 80 Glove: 65 Speed: 65 Arm: 80 Uncle: 80

Guerrero looks and plays quite like his uncle Vladimir, of whom you may have heard. But he has one tremendous advantage over uncle Vlad, which is that he has uncle Vlad to teach him whereas uncle Vlad didn’t. Therefore, young Gabriel will be even better than Vladimir. It is simple logic and if you don’t agree you are either stupid or an Angels fan. Edited for redundancy

MLB comp: duh

10. Ji-man Choi, 1B. A+

Hit: 80 Power: 70 Glove: 50 Speed: 50 Arm: 60

You may have heard that Choi was recently suspended for steroids. That doesn't matter because Choi was merely feeling pressure from all the other Mariners prospects who hit dingers all the time, but he doesn’t need to hit that many dingers because he hits all the doubles and never strikes out and walks all the time and hits for a high average. You may have also heard that Choi has missed significant chunks of time with injuries over the past several seasons. That is incorrect. The "injuries" were actually an excuse to cover up his work as a superhero in his native South Korea fighting evil North Korean secret agents. Hence the name Ji-man. If I am not mistaken, "ji" is Korean for "super".

MLB comp: Ted Williams