Action movie terrorists, on the other hand, like their plans to have as many interlocking steps as possible, like an intricate Rube Goldberg machine of death and maniacal cackling. Since we have entirely too much time on our hands, we're saluting the villains who contrived the most needlessly convoluted terror plots in action movie history.

Real terrorist plots tend to have two steps: blow stuff up, take credit. Maybe if they're feeling creative they'll blow themselves up or light their shoe on fire first.

5 Howard Payne from Speed

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Who:

Payne is a disgruntled ex-policeman who likes to blow stuff up. In Payne's defense, it's important to note that his last name is a homophone for "pain," so after he retired from his first career as a rogue cop, his options were pretty limited to professional wrestler and action-movie bad guy.

The Plot:

In Keanu Reeves movies, even bank robbers turn out to have convoluted M.O.s and bizarre, complex motives.



Don't all criminals rob banks to fund their search for the perfect wave?

It's the movie equivalent of a Mexican restaurant that distracts you from the low quality meat by piling on thick enchilada sauce and playing loud, embarrassing music whenever it's someone's birthday.

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So what's it going to be, Payne? Dress up as Napoleon and rob the US Mint to fund your life's goal of snowboarding Mt. Everest?

Wait, you're going to blow up a public bus unless the cops give you what you want? That ... that actually might work. It's simple, to the point. Christ, it's like you're a real terrorist or something. Wait, why are you still talking? What do you mean the bus only blows up if it goes below 50 MPH? Goddamnit, that doesn't even make sense! Are you protesting the speed limit?

Of course, every bus will eventually go above 50 MPH and slow back down, so you still might be in the clear. You just need to make sure you keep your stupid loophole a secret until the bomb blows up. And not that we should have to tell you this, but when we say you shouldn't tell anyone, that includes the explosives expert who, despite his dazed expression and perpetually stoned manner of speaking, is the only person who's ever come close to being able to catch you.

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You would want to keep him as far away from your convoluted, gaping loophole as possible. Agreed?

Why It Failed:

Goddamnit Payne, you told the bomb expert! In fact, he's the first person you told! And then you let him get on the bus and spend an hour and a half trying to figure out how to screw up your plot!

It's right around here where we have to stop questioning your intelligence and start questioning whether you want to be a terrorist at all.