Hey hey, ladeez!! Dude Corner back here with some totally wild marital issues! Recently, my wife and I had a crazy argument and she totally freaked out on me for no reason! All I did was ask her not to wear a revealing dress for an event we were attending. I just don’t understand how women can be so unreasonable; I’m totally fine with her looking hot as balls, just not in front of other people. That shit’s for my eyes only!!

Supposedly my wife had been planning to wear this dress for months in advance before this important event. Now, are you gonna tell me that just because she got it tailored SPECIFICALLY for the event that I can’t get upset about everyone seeing my wife’s bare back? Fuck no, dude! She can do whatever she wants (look hot, go to the gym) as long as she doesn’t show it off like some kind of hot chick who goes to the gym.

Now, before all of you get all up in arms about me not being appreciative of my wife’s smokin’ hot body, I want to say I appreciate it a helluva lot. For instance, I love the nudes she sends to me. In fact, I don’t even care if it’s a nude that is not perfectly tailored to my specific request! I also love when she has sex with me. I would’ve been more than okay with her wearing this dress in the privacy of our own bedroom, during the five seconds I’d glance at it before we remove our clothes to have sex.

Look, I’m a perfectly reasonable guy who understands that my wife has bodily autonomy and the power to do whatever she wants! However, I just don’t think it’s fair that she’s allowed to look smoking hot anywhere but our house. Even the dining room is ok so long as the curtains are drawn. I don’t even mind if she goes to a family barbecue in shorts that make her butt look good. But to go to a public event? Where there are men? Yikes. That’s just unfair, and frankly, it hurts my soul.

I don’t think I need to explain how problematic it is that other people can look at my wife in a form-fitting garment and think, “That woman is hot.” I mean, yes, I was once one of those people who noticed how hot she was (this was actually how we met and got married), and yes, I do encourage her to be completely liberated when we are about to be in bed together, but it’s just not cool that this “confidence” and “liberation” continues all willy-nilly in front of other people. If you don’t understand that, I don’t think you understand how gross guys can be. I completely trust my wife to be faithful, it’s just that I know what perverted things I think of other hot women, and let me tell you, it’s degrading!

Marriage is all about give-and-take. That’s why in the end, I gave her permission to go outside if she wore a shawl to cover her boobs and shoulders. Unfortunately, she seems to value her curves above all else and she left me and took the kids. Now she’s out there somewhere, looking hot in public, which I honestly pity her for. But Kim, if you’re reading this, please come back. I miss you and I don’t know how to do the laundry.