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PRESIDENT of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe has today called for an outright ban on all stairs and steps in the African Republic.

The 90-year-old passed the new law which will see some 10 million stairs leveled across the country as part of a new ‘health and safety bill’, which he claims will save countless lives.

All manner of elevated platforms will now have to come with a mechanical lift as standard, instead of stairs, putting countless businesses under huge financial strain to meet a no stairs deadline of next week.

“I own a two story hardware shop in Harare,” said one businessman. “Most of my earnings already go to the government and gangs seeking protection money. Where in the name of fuck am I gonna get the money for a lift?”

A spokesperson for the Zimbabwean government denied that the peculiar law was any way connected to an alleged incident yesterday involving the president and a flight of stairs leading down from an airport podium.

“What fall?” quizzed Mr. Mugabe’s aid, James Hulozuloo, when asked by a local reporter if the two things were connected.

“There was no fall,” he added, while said reporter was escorted from the press conference room by several armed security guards. “Over two million Zimbabweans die of stairs related incidents every week. It is imperative we prevent this kind of thing from killing any more people.”

In 2001, VCR’s were banned after the president became infuriated while trying to set a timer for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The law still stands today.