I’ve had a very difficult day today. I’ve done my best and my best wasn’t even close. I’m really, really struggling at this time and it’s more difficult than it should be because I’m trying so hard to hide my whatever this is from the kids.

They have enough on their plates. Lizze and I are committed to keeping them out of as many grownup issues as possible.

The kids are struggling. Elliott was sent home from school today because he wasn’t feeling well. He didn’t even make it to 9:30 AM before he became so emotionally overwhelmed that he presented with physical symptoms. He had a headache and nausea. QHe looked absolutely miserable and I truly believe that he felt like shit but I also know that he’s not sick with a bug, he’s emotionally distraught and it’s making him feel sick.

He was feeling much better shortly after arriving home.

That in and of itself was exhausting. It through a wrench in the rest of the day because Lizze and I and his therapist, agreed that we needed to treat him like he’s sick. That meant he didn’t go anywhere or do anything until 3 PM, when he’d be home from school on any other day. He needed to rest and feel better. We also don’t want to send the message that he can keep getting out of school.

Emmett was upset when I picked him up from school at the end of the day because the plans for the day had changed and he doesn’t like or handle change very well. He unraveled fairly quickly. A

I can’t tell you how much I was screamed at today by Emmett alone. I don’t take it personally because I know I’m a safe target. At the same time, I’m doing the best I can and screaming at me because I missed a signature on a fucking paper for school or because of anything else I’m not doing perfectly, just wears me down. There’s only so much that someone can take, and guess what? I’m someone and I can only take so much.

Gavin’s not complaining about anything and he’s just as happy as he was before Lizze moved out. What I am noticing is that he’s decompensating as time goes on. He’s struggling with things that he was able to do with more confidence last month. Gavin doesn’t necessarily feel or experience things the same way as anyone else does but that doesn’t mean it’s not impacting him in other ways. I’m hoping that this is just temporary for him and as time passes, he can make some progress.

Today was so close to being too much for me to handle but I somehow managed to survive. The kids even have all their fingers and toes. 😂

I’ve reached a place where I feel like I just need to take being screamed at by the kids right now because they’re struggling, overwhelmed by everything and lashing out at me because I’m a convenient, as well as a safe target. I can’t make any of this better and I can be a soft target if needed. That doesn’t make it right, but it is what it is right now. We’ll continue working on things and someday come out the other side of this very dark tunnel.

I’m really hoping that tomorrow is a better day. I need things to settle a bit because I need to catch my breath.