The government said bad thingsare likely to happen. ( doorbell rings ) Meanwhile, the worldcontinues to back down from their supportof the United States, saying that they were reallyonly kidding to begin with. HEY, MOM,DOORBELL'S RINGING. ( mumbles ) HEY, SHARON. MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHINGTHE NEWS FOR A LITTLE BIT. ( mumbles ) SHARON, YOU'VE BEENWATCHING CNN FOR ABOUT... EIGHT WEEKS NOW. DON'T YOU WANT TO WATCHSOMETHING ELSE ? SH-SHARON ? HEY, LOOK WHAT THEPOSTMAN BROUGHT ME ! IT'S A BIG BROWN PACKAGEFROM AFGHANISTAN. THAT'S NICE. WE SENT THE AFGHANIKIDS SOME DOLLARS, THEY MUST'VE SENT USSOMETHING COOL IN RETURN. DO WE HAVE SOME SCISSORSTO CUT THIS OPEN ? STANLEY, YOUR MOTHER'S A LITTLEFREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW. WHY DON'T YOUGO PLAY WITH YOUR BIG BROWN PACKAGEFROM AFGHANISTAN OUTSIDE. ALL RIGHT. BIG BROWN PACKAGE FROMAFGHANISTAN ! DUDE, WHAT'S GOING ON ? WE GOT A PACKAGE FROM THEKIDS WE SENT DOLLARS TO. THEY SENT USSOMETHING BACK. PRELIM SHOWSNEGATIVE, SIR. THEN WE'RE GONNAHAVE TO BLOW IT. YES, SIR ! AH, THIS IS IT, MAN,IT'S OVER ! TWEAK, CALM DOWN,HAVE SOME COFFEE. OPEN ! ( bleats ) AH, IT'S JUST A GOAT. ( sighs of relief ) PRECIOUS GOAT. ( bleats ) HEY THERE,LITTLE GUY. STAY AWAY FROM IT ! TERRORISTS COULD'VE GIVEN THATGOAT ANTHRAX OR SMALLPOX BEFORE SENDING IT OVER. JOHNSON ! CHECK THE GOATFOR DISEASES. YES, SIR ! THE GOAT SEEMSTO BE CLEAN, SIR. I TOLD YOU. THOSE AFGHAN KIDS JUST WANTEDTO GIVE US SOMETHING BACK FOR GIVING THEM $4. FOUR DOLLARS FOR A GOAT,WE GOT RIPPED OFF. ALL RIGHT, MEN,THIS AREA IS SECURE. LET'S HEAD OUT. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSEDTO DO WITH IT ? YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ITHOME WITH YOU, KYLE. DUDE, MY MOM WON'T EVENLET ME HAVE A HAMSTER. KENNY ? NO FREAKIN' WAY,DUDE. MY PARENTS WILL NEVERLET ME KEEP A GOAT. WELL, I GUESS WE'RE GONNAHAVE TO KILL IT. NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TOKILL IT, CARTMAN. WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKETHE RETURN ADDRESS AND MAIL IT BACK TO THEKIDS IN AFGHANISTAN. COME ON, GOAT. ( bleats )

WE'LL DEPART FOR AFGHANISTANIN FIVE MINUTES. LET'S MOVE OUT ! ALL RIGHT,COME ON. WE JUST GOTTA GET THE GOATON ONE OF THESE PLANES. ( man )ISN'T THIS EXCITING, TONY ? WE'RE FINALLY GONNASEE SOME ACTION. YEAH, AND I HEAR THATAS SOON AS WE LAND WE GET A U.S.O. SHOW. WE DO ! STEVIE NICKS ISGOING TO PERFORM. OH, STEVIE NICKS,I LOVE HER ! OKAY, IT'S CLEAR,COME ON. HEY YOU ! WHAT THE HELL DO YOUTHINK YOU'RE DOING HERE ? ( bleats ) I'M SORRY,MISS NICKS. HEY, GUYS,IT'S STEVIE NICKS. OH, WOW ! CAN I GET A PICTURE ? MISS NICKS, OVER HERE,MISS NICKS. ( bleats ) MISS NICKS, I DON'TWANNA BOTHER YOU, BUT COULD YOU SING A QUICK FLEETWOOD MAC FOR US ? COULD YOU ? COME ON ! ( bleating ) YEAH, YEAH.NO WAY ! WAIT 'TIL I TELLMY SISTER ABOUT THIS. SHE IS GONNA FLIP ! WELL, WE'VE GOTTAGET MISS NICKS ON THE PLANE TOAFGHANISTAN, GUYS. OH, CAN WE JUST GET A-- I'M SORRY, MISS NICKS ISN'TANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS. OH SURE, WE UNDERSTAND.MOVE ALONG. SHE LOOKS GREAT.SHE LOOKS GREAT. HEY, LET'S PUT HIMON HERE. ( bleats ) SHH... THERE WE GO. YOU'RE GONNABE OKAY, GOAT. YOU'LL BE BACK IN AFGHANISTANIN ABOUT 20 HOURS. STAN, IF YOU'RE FINISHEDHAVING YOUR TEARFULGOOD-BYE WITH THE GOAT WE'LL LIKE TOGO NOW, PLEASE. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, TANGO CLEAR,LET'S HEAD OUT. OH, SON OFA BITCH ! HEY, WAIT ! THERE'S CHILDRENIN HERE ! ( muffled speech ) DUDE, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'REGOING TO... AFGHANISTAN. GOING TO AFGHANISTAN ? TRAPPED IN A SMALL SPACEFOR 20 HOURS-- HOW COULD THINGSGET ANY WORSE ? ( fart ) OHH !OHH !OHH ! OH, YOU GUYS.

GOD, WHAT A CRAPHOLE,DUDE ! THIS IS LIKE EAST DENVER,JESUS CHRIST ! DUDE, NO WONDER TERRORISTSCOME FROM PLACES LIKE THIS. IF I GREW UP HEREI'LL BE PISSED OFF TOO. HEY, LOOK,THERE'S A TAXI. HELLO. WE NEED TO GO HERE. ( Persian ) ( whip cracks ) GOD, WHAT IS THIS,THE FRIGGIN' "FLINTSONES" ? IS THIS THERIGHT HOUSE ? I THINK SO. ( knocking ) ( Persian ) UH, HI,WE'RE FROM AMERICA. AH, WE SENT YOUTHE DOLLAR, THE $4. YOU SENT USTHIS GOAT. GOAT ? HERE, WE DON'TWANT IT. OH, YOU WANTSOMETHING ELSE ? ALL WE HADWAS THE GOAT. YOUR COUNTRY BOMBEDEVERYTHING ELSE. NO, DUDE, WE'RENOT UNGRATEFUL. IT'S JUST NONE OF USCAN KEEP THE GOAT. IT WAS CHOKING ON THE SWEETAIR OF FREEDOM IN AMERICA, SO WE BROUGHT IT BACKTO YOUR CRAPPY COUNTRY. OH, AND HERE. TAKE THIS AMERICAN FLAGAS A GIFT. YAY !YAY !YAY ! HEY, WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING ? THEY TOLD US IN SCHOOL EVERYONEBUT TERRORISTS LOVE AMERICA. HA ! ( Persian ) WHAT DID YOU CALL US ? YOUR COUNTRYIS THE EVIL EMPIRE. YOUR GOVERNMENT WANTSTO RULE THE WORLD ! BUT YOUR VALUES AND SPIRITUALISMARE IN THE GUTTER. THEN WHY DID YOUSEND US A GOAT ? BECAUSE IN AFGHANISTANWE HAVE PRIDE. IF YOU SEND US SOMETHING WE MUST SEND SOMETHINGIN RETURN. IT DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'TSTILL HATE YOU. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE ! HEY, HEY,OPEN THE DOOR. I TOLD YOU, "JAWAS"HAVE NO HEARTS. JAWAS ? YOU KNOW, SAND PEOPLE. HOW COME THEY HATEAMERICA SO MUCH ? WHAT THE HELLDID WE DO ? WELL, WE TRIED, DUDE. IF ANYONE ELSE IN THISCRAPHOLE HATES AMERICANS WE BETTER JUST LEAVE THE GOATAND GET BACK TO THE PLANE. ALL RIGHT. ( touching piano music ) OH LOOK,HE'S FOLLOWING US. IT'S SO SAD. GOD, I HATE YOUSO MUCH, STAN. WHAT ? ( angry chanting ) HOWDY. AH... GREETINGSFROM CANADA. WELL, BOYS,IT'S "ABOOT" TIME WE GET TO OUR "HOOSE"IN CANADA, ISN'T IT ? HEY, WHAT THE HELL AREYOU TALKING ABOUT ?! I'M NOT A GOD DAMN CANADIANAND NEITHER ARE YOU ! OH, CARTMAN,YOU STUPID ASSHOLE. ( shouting ) ( Arabic ) ... OSAMA BIN LADEN ! ( laughter ) GOOD JOB, FAT-ASS. DUDE, DON'T CALL MEA CANADIAN.

REMEMBER WHEN LIFE USEDTO BE SIMPLE AND COOL ? NOT REALLY. UH, HEY, HOW'S ITGOING, FELLAS ? BUTTERS, WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING ? WELL, I'M JUST STANDINGAROUND BEING A KID, WHY ? HOW COME YOU'RE ALL WEARINGTHOSE OOGY SPACEMEN MASKS ? THESE ARE GAS MASKS,BUTTERS ! YEAH, IF YOU DON'THAVE A GAS MASK YOU'RE GONNA GETSMALLPOX OR ANTHRAX. WHAT ? OH JESUS, I DON'T WANNAGET THE 'THRAX, FELLAS. WHAT DO I DO ? THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DOEXCEPT STOP BREATHING. STOP BREATHING ? YEAH, YOU CAN'T GET ITIF YOU DON'T BREATHE. OH, ALL RIGHT THEN. ( inhales ) OKAY, NEXT. NEXT. LET'S SEE, HOTTIES, JUICY, WHOPPERS. OKAY, NEXT. AHA ! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUDOING WITH THIS ? THOSE ARE MY HOOTIE OWLROUND TIP SCISSORS. THESE ARE A WEAPON ! OH, COME ON, HOW AM I GONNAKILL PEOPLE WITH THOSE ? I'LL THINK OF A WAY. NOW, MOVE ALONG. GOD DAMN IT ! ALL RIGHT, NEXT ! OKAY, CLEAR.

OH, JESUS, MAN,THEY'RE GONNA GET ME ! OH, CHRIST ! THEY'RE GONNA GET ME. ALL RIGHT, CLASS, AS SOMEOF YOU MAY OF HEARD, THE PRESIDENT HAS ASKEDTHAT AMERICAN CHILDREN ALL SEND ONE DOLLAR TO THECHILDREN OF AFGHANISTAN. SO I HAVE A LIST OF ADDRESSESAND WE'RE GONNA ALL CHIP IN. ( Cartman )HA ! I'M NOT GIVING A DOLLARTO THOSE TOWEL-HEADS. ERIC, THE AFGHAN PEOPLENEED OUR HELP. OH, I'M SORRY, BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE AT WARWITH THESE ASSHOLES ! WE'RE AT WAR WITHTERRORISTS, FAT-ASS, NOT WITH AFGHANISTAN. AND THE ONLY REASONYOU CARE IS 'CAUSE YOU DON'TWANNA GIVE UP A DOLLAR. THAT DOLLAR BUYS ME ACHOCOLATE MILK FOR LUNCH ! WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO JUST GETA REGULAR MILK FOR 10 CENTS ? NOW LOOK, IT ISN'T OUR FAULTTHAT TERRORISTS HATE US. WE'RE JUST KIDS. WE AREN'T THE ONESBOMBING THEM NOW. WE'RE JUST KIDS. THERE'S A LOT OF CRAZY STUFFGOING ON IN THE WORLD, BUT WE'RE JUSTCAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT. THE AFGHAN KIDS ARE CAUGHTIN THE MIDDLE, TOO. YES, BUT THEY'RESAND MONKEYS ! ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN,WE'RE ALL SENDING A DOLLAR TO THE KIDSIN AFGHANISTAN. THAT'S IT,END OF DISCUSSION ! GOD DAMN IT, I HATEREGULAR MILK !

( Persian ) EH ! ( Persian ) ( muffled ) ( all )AHH ! ( Persian ) AHH ! AHH !

EXCUSE ME, WE WANNA OVERNIGHT THIS GOATTO AFGHANISTAN, PLEASE. EXCUSE ME ? IT'S AN AFGHANISTAN GOAT,IT CAN'T STAY HERE OR ELSE IT WILL CHOKE ONTHE SWEET AIR OF FREEDOM. YEAH. AFGHANISTAN ? I'M SORRY, BOYS, BUT OURPLANES AREN'T FLYING THERE. THEY'RE NOT ? THE ONLY PLANES GOINGTO AFGHANISTAN ARE THE MILITARY PLANESOVER AT THE BASE. I'M SORRY. OH YEAH,THE MILITARY PLANES. COME ON, GOAT, WE'LLPUT YOU ON ONE OF THEM. STAN, I DON'T THINKWE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE MILITARY BASE. THEY MIGHTSHOOT US. I DON'T CARE,WE'RE GOING. DON'T FORGET TOBRING A TOWEL. AHH ! OH, NO,NOT TOWELIE. WHEN GOING SOMEPLACE NEW,YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BRING A TOWEL. OKAY, THANKS,TOWELIE. YOU WANNA GET HIGH ? NO, WE DON'TWANNA GET HIGH ! YOU MEAN, YOU DON'TWANT TOWELIE AROUND ? THAT'S RIGHT ! SO AM I TO UNDERSTAND THATTHERE'S BEEN A "TOWELIE BAN" ? ( snickering ) ( all )OHH ! GOD DAMN IT, GET THE HELLOUT OF HERE, TOWELIE ! ALL RIGHT,SEE YA.

HUT HUT HUTHUT HUT HUT HUT. WELCOME TOAFGHANISTAN, TROOPS. GET YOUR GEAR READY AND REPORTTO THE BARRACKS IN 0900. SIR, YES, SIR ! HUT HUT HUT HUTHUT HUT HUT HUT... OH GOD,IT WAS HORRIBLE ! 20 HOURS ! ( mumbling )OH GOD, IT STINKSLIKE SHMMT ! WHAT THE HELL ? CARTMAN FARTEDIN THERE. WE HAD TO BREATHEIT IN FOR 20 HOURS. IT DIDN'T SMELL THAT BAD,YOU GUYS ARE OVERREACTING. I DON'T SMELL ANY--OH, OH GOD ! OH, WHATEVER. YOU SON OF A BITCH,CARTMAN. YOU DON'T FART WHEN YOU'RELOCKED IN A SMALL SPACE WITH OTHER PEOPLE ! OH, I'M SORRY ! NEXT TIME I'LL JUSTASK MY FART NICELY IF IT WOULDN'T MIND STAYINGTUCKED AWAY FOR A WHILE ! ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST GETTHE GOAT BACK TO HIS HOME. WE HAVE TO FINDTHIS ADDRESS. ( bleats )

( gunshot, chanting stops ) YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME,WE'RE NOT SPIES ! ( Arabic ) LOOK, I THINK I CANEXPLAIN EVERYTHING. SEE, MY FRIEND STAN HERE ISAN OVERSENSITIVE ANIMAL LOVER. HE GOT A BONERFOR THIS GOAT. ( shouting ) OOH, A LABULLA BULLA BULLA. OH CRAP,IT'S HIM ! ( bleats ) A MULLA MULLAMULLA ? MULLA HAK A MULLA. OH, DUDE, IT'S CALLEDDEODORANT, OKAY, IT'S NOT EXPENSIVE. HAKKA MAHA MALLAH ! ( Arabic ) OOH, A TUKKA TUKKAMULLA MULLA. AMERICA A BOOGABOOGA BOOGA. HAKKA HAKKADURKA DURKA. ( laughs ) HAKKA HAKKADURKA DURKA ! AND... CUT ! DUDE, THESE PEOPLEARE INSANE.

of terrorist-related AIDScontinues to grow. And this just in: The Taliban hasapparently taken American civiliansas hostages. The Taliban has just releasedthis videotape in which it isclearly visible that they have indeedcaptured Stevie Nicks. Miss Nicks appears to bein good spirits, though her whereaboutsare unknown. HEY, SH-SHARON, HAVE YOU SEEN STAN INTHE LAST COUPLE DAYS ? YES, I JUST SAW HIM. OH, OKAY. With Stevie Nicksin captivity the other members ofFleetwood Mac have been hidden so the Taliban can'tget to them as well. THEY... TOOKSTEVIE NICKS ? BASTARDS. HEARTLESS,GUTLESS BASTARDS ! ALL RIGHT, MEN. GRAB YOUR GUNSAND YOUR BIBLES. WE'RE GOING TOGET MISS NICKS BACK. HOORAY !HOORAY !HOORAY ! The Taliban's videoalso shows what appears to be fourAmerican children in captivity, though they couldjust be French. WE HAVE TO HELP THEM. THEY ARE NOTTHE SPIES. THEY CAME TO GIVE USOUR GOAT BACK. SCREW THEM !THEY'RE EVIL AMERICANS. I KNOW, BUT YOU IF WE DON'THELP THE INNOCENT ONES THEN WE ARE NO BETTERTHAN THE AMERICANS ARE. HELP AMERICANS ? THAT DOESN'TMAKE SENSE. DUDE, WE ARE SPEAKINGENGLISH RIGHT NOW. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE ?! ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. ( frustrated shout )

( singing ) OH, JIHAD JIHAD. ( alarm ringing ) OOH, OOH ! AMERICA,HAKKA HAKKA ! DURSHA, DURPADURPA DURPA ! BOOLA BOOLABOOGA WOOGA HAGGA. GURBA DE DURKAAND AMERICA ! HEY, WHAT ARE YOUGUYS DOING HERE ? SHH, WE'VE COMETO SAVE YOU. YOU BUT I THOUGHTYOU HATE US. WE DO. DURKKA DURKKA... CARTMAN, WHERE AREYOU GOING ? I'M GONNA GO TAKE CAREOF THIS PRICK. CARTMAN, HE'S CRAZY. HE'S NOT CRAZY,HE'S AN IDIOT. I KNOW HOW TO DEALWITH THESE PEOPLE. A FLIBBIDYFLABBIDY FLOO ! JIHAD, JIHAD ! HEY...( "Bugs Bunny" chewing ) WHAT'S UP,BIN LADEN ? ARUBADUBA DUBA ! DURBA DURBA HAK ! UH-OH, 5:30,TIME TO PRAY ! AH LA LA... TABBA HAGGA ? ALLAH ALLAH ALLAH. ALA HAGGA DURPA,DURPA DURPA HAGGALAH. ( ding ) UH-OH ! ( smoooch )

THE AMERICANSARE ATTACKING ! WHERE DO WE GO ? GET DOWN ! ( shouting ) YOU, MURDERINGAMERICAN !! HEY, SHUT UP, KID, AMERICADIDN'T START THIS WAR. AMERICA DIDSTART THIS WAR. THEY STARTED ITYEARS AGO WHEN THEY PUT MILITARY BASESON MUSLIM HOLY LANDS.

RAMADAN ! HEY, LOOK,AN INFIDEL ! OOH, PEDRO KABOB ! SO THAT'S WHATTHIS IS ALL ABOUT. ISHTAR FATWAHOPEN SESAME ! ( smmoooch ) OOH, TASTESLIKE CHICKEN. THE ASS OFA CHICKEN ! TOOLAH FOO KABOB ! WOO HOO !

HANG ON ! ( goat bleating ) ALL RIGHT, I'VE HADJUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS. THEY TOLD US IN SCHOOL,AND ON TV, THAT MOST PEOPLE IN AFGHANISTANAND PAKISTAN LIKE AMERICA. AND YOU BELIEVE IT ? IT IS NOT JUST THE TALIBANTHAT HATES AMERICA. OVER A THIRD OF THEWORLD HATES AMERICA. BUT WHY, WHY DOES A THIRDOF THE WORLD HATE US ? BECAUSE YOU DON'TREALIZE THAT A THIRD OFTHE WORLD HATES YOU. THAT DOESN'TMAKE SENSE. YOU GUYS ARE JUSTBUTTHOLES. YOU'RE BUTTHOLES ! YOU'RE BUTTHOLES !

A DUKKADUKKA DUKKA. DUKKA DUKKADUKKA DOO ! ( fox whistles ) ( howls ) OOH, BELLA, BELLA,FALAFEL. MI AMORE,FATWAH, FATWAH. AH, VINO,MI FATWAH. J'AI UNE FATWAH.

YOU PEOPLE PLAY GAMESBY KILLING ANIMALS AND OPPRESS WOMEN. IT'S BETTER THANA CIVILIZATION THAT'S SPENDS ITS TIMEWATCHING MILLIONAIRES WALK DOWN THE REDCARPET AT THE EMMIES. HE'S GOT US THERE,DUDE. I GOT HER,I GOT STEVIE NICKS. THERE YOU ARE !WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ? WE HAVE ANOTHER ANTI-AMERICAN VIDEO TO MAKE. OH, VIDEO DURKA ? HURRY, GET INTOWARDROBE ! OH, HURRY UP,WILL YOU, HURRY ! OH, YOU LOOKMARVELOUS, DARLING. HAKKA HAMMA HAMMA. COME ON, THE CAMERASARE READY. ALL RIGHT,THERE WE GO. LET'S ROLE CAMERAS. OH, AND HERE'SYOUR MICROPHONE. OH, AMERICAA DURKA DURKA. UH-OH. WAA !! ( "America The Beautiful"on piano ) WE'VE DONE IT,THE TALIBAN IS DESTROYED ! HOORAY !HOORAY !HOORAY ! WOW, I GUESS CARTMAN REALLYDID TAKE CARE OF HIM. BLH-BLH-BLH-BLH ! TERRORISTS IS THECRAZIEST PEOPLES ! ( braying ) OH ! I GOT HIM,I GOT HIM !

ARE FINALLY OUT OF POWER. YEAH, YOU DON'TNEED US ANYMORE. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. Y'KNOW, YOU GUYSSHOULD KNOW ONE THING. MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICAARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO JUST TRY TO LIVE DAYBY DAY LIKE YOU GUYS DO. MAYBE IF YOUTOOK SOME TIME TO SEE ALL THE GREATTHINGS ABOUT OUR COUNTRY YOU'D SEE WE'RE NOTSO DIFFERENT AFTER ALL. YEAH. THAT'S FINE,BUT WE STILL HATE YOU. OH... WELL, I GUESSMAYBE SOME DAY WE CAN LEARNTO HATE YOU, TOO. MAYBE, IN TIME. I'M CONFUSED.