WASHINGTON—Peering into the darkened sky as 200-mph winds began to whip around them, several eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that a lightning bolt blasted off the top of the Washington Monument while Mike Pence and Pete Buttigieg were locked in a battle of prayers on the National Mall. According to onlookers, the current vice president and mayor of South Bend, IN could be seen kneeling on the ground with their hands folded, deep in prayer, at which point Mike Pence whispered that “Mr. Buttigieg knows better than to question my faith,” causing the sky to turn black, the water in the Reflecting Pool to part, and the two men to slowly levitate several feet above the ground. As the temperature dropped and the earth burst open below them, witnesses confirmed that Buttigieg’s eyes turned red, and the presidential candidate shouted, “If you have a problem with me, you have a problem with my maker,” immediately flinging Mr. Pence backwards into the Vietnam War Memorial with an eruption of psychic energy. At press time, Pence and Buttigieg reportedly fused into a single, blindingly white light as countless angels swirled around them from the heavens, only to plummet back to the ground below and lay unconscious while the sky opened up, birds began to chirp, and daylight returned to normal.

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