Britain has been plunged into an emigration crisis as newly published figures reveal that no fewer than seven out of ten of us have applied to leave the country to live and work in Ankh-Morpork.

Ankh-Morpork is the largest city on the Discworld which some say is a fictional realm created by Sir Terry Pratchett but to a great many people is as real as Tamriel, The Shire and Gotham City i.e. completely.

Harold resident Gary Thorne is one of many villagers hoping for a new start in a city described by Sir Terry as being ‘as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound.‘

“It’s a no-brainer for me,” Thorn said. “Sure in Ankh-Morpork there’s no democracy or flood protection and there’ll always be a chance that the dragon of unhappiness could fly up my bottom but there’s also no scripted reality shows or music that makes me feel old. Plus, I’m looking forward to meeting the ladies from the Seamstresses’ Guild, if you know what I mean, hur, hur, hur.”

Teenager Clare Evans is also excited. “I didn’t want to go at first because I thought it would like mess up my GCSEs but Dad said he’s found me this amazing tutor called Granny Weatherwax. She lives in the countryside and does loads of cool stuff with herbs which is great because I get all my cosmetics from Lush. She sounds like such a lovely old lady.”

Pensioner Tom Stalling knows exactly why he’s going to Ankh-Morpork. “Two words,” he told us, “steam trains. They’ve got ’em and we don’t. Ever since the British mainline trains became diesel and then electric this country’s been a right Fred Karno’s.”

Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, wasn’t available to comment on the massive influx of Britons about to pour into his city but we have been assured that he will let us know when we want a word with him while his secretary told us that a special welcome awaits any and all mime artists.

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