Recap: Jake caught a legendary so we kicked his ass. We also beat Morgan for the second time.

Get the hell outta here, Fish!!

The only way to go forward is through this cave.

The cave led us to a route, which led us to Freyja, who is staring intensely through that other cave.

Freyja: I am alone. Odin has Divaevus. He doesn’t need me, he doesn’t need Loki, he doesn’t need anyone. You’ll pay for this. The entire damn world will pay for this!

I thought we were going to battle, but she vanished instead.

Coward.

The cave was an entrance to Mount Nova, which is another mountain full of trainers and Pokemon who make it very hard to progress without running back to the PokeCenter every five minutes.

We travel all throughout the night and don’t make it out of the mountain until daytime.

Well, we don’t make it ALL of the way out of the mountain. We do eventually have to go back in.

But it’s okay, because look!

It’s a Scuba Gear! It replaces the HM DIVE! Do you know what this means?

WE OFFICIALLY NO LONGER HAVE TO USE FISH!!

WOO HOO!! FISH IS ACTUALLY OUT OF THE PARTY FOR GOOD NOW!! HELL YEAH!!

Our celebration is cut short, as Freyja is here and we have to ruin her life like we always do. It’s just our job.

Freyja: At last… I will catch Heatran, and I will be forgiven! I will meet Odin at Varlox Cave with Heatran by my side! We will conquer the world… we will conquer it together! Saga! You see this bridge? As long as Heatran is free, this bridge will exist! Fight me, Saga! I will defeat you… I will catch Heatran… I will become the greatest trainer in the world!

I am assuming Heatran is another legendary since Freyja thinks catching him will solve all of her problems in Asgard.

She sends out Noctowl first so I switch Shawn for Yukio in order to spam Ancient Power until my thumbs bleed. This creature of the night has a butt-load of HP though, so it takes several attempts to defeat him.

I don’t want to spend a lot of time fighting Freyja, so I switch Yukio out for Zephyr. I think, out of all of my teammates, Zephyr is my favorite. He might have always been my favorite, actually. I don’t know how his stats actually compare to strong Pokemon, but I am practically fascinated by him and his ability to take down every opponent who crosses his path.

I am getting so anxious to get to the end of this game that I don’t play around anymore. At this point, if I have a Type-Advantage, I’ll use it. OHKO’s will get me to the Fifth Sigil Hall quicker, so waste the opportunity?

Stop looking at me in that creepily-seductive way, Mienshao! I AM NOT INTERESTED.

I don’t remember what Type this Delta Pinsir was. I do remember it took me awhile to figure it out and he knocked out Shawn and Foxxy in the process.

Aaaaand Mr. Puffy Pants is the last one to fall.

Of course I don’t. You’re about to catch a legendary, yadda yadda yadda, been there, seen that. Just get it over with and brag about it later.

Freyja: I will use this Master Ball! I will catch Heatran!

Where is everybody getting these Master Balls? There must be an underground black market for items like that going around. I need to get my hands on some myself to avoid the stress of throwing ball after ball and reseting a hundred times.

Haven’t done that here, but… you know… Emerald flashbacks… *shudder*

Oh shit, what?

Who is that?

Oh for god’s sake!

There goes ANOTHER legendary to someone I’ll probably have to fight!

Freyja: I’ll find that person! I will kill them for this! I will have my vengeance!

I can’t even tell who that is. This concerns me because the last thing I need right now is to piss off someone else. I’ve already got Asgard up my ass, Jake badgering me every chance he gets, and the stupid Elite Four Fanboys to deal with. Like I really need another bad-guy to face.

We get to go back outside and we learn that it is still daytime in Saga’s world.

WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK–

A chunk of iceburg just broke off and came down to battle me. It is ENORMOUS and VERY SCARY and I DON’T LIKE IT.

We run into this strange sight. Some scientist man is standing next to an Electrode that looks trapped in this hole-thing, asking me if I want to head to the next city. I tell him that yes, I would like to go to Constance City.

Scientist: Just step onto my Electrode, here! Don’t worry! This method of launching you airborne is totally safe!

Oh my god, what?

This could not remotely be even a little safe.

———!!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH–

Oh hey, it worked.

And we find yet another Safari Zone.

It’s got dragons galore inside, but they’re all too underleveled for me to give a crap.

I KNOW, DUDE, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER

There are three towers here with Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos carved into them, meaning this must be the secret to being able to catch them. I try to play around for a moment or two, but I can’t get anything to happen, so we move on.

Maybe it’s a post-post-game thing.

Moving on to the Fourth Sigil Hall, we breeze through the trainers and then we get to this little fucker: Saga’s younger half-brother.

Stewart: You’re the third trainer I need to beat to face him! I’m doing this for my Mom, Miranda! Feel the wrath of my Normal-Type Pokemon!

I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOUR POKEMON, YOU LITTLE TWERP

Why, why oh why, would you give your Pokemon a hold item that deliberately poisons them after one turn? Unless that orb raises Attack and Defense or something then I don’t see how it is worth your time. Foxxy ended her suffering using a nice beam of ice to soften the blow.

Exploud knows SURF for some reason. Did you guys know Exploud could learn SURF? I didn’t. I was unhappy watching that wave of water hit my precious Shawn right smack dab in the face.

Another Rock Smash and Exploud couldn’t take life anymore. Snorlax proved to be a pain in my ass and got rid of Shawn before he had much of a chance to even fight him. Genevieve’s Dragon Rush took the rest of Snorlax’s HP down and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Lickilicky must have had a death wish. She yanked Zephyr into the battle while fighting Genevieve. Of course, he took her down with ease, and then fucking Dunsparce comes out.

Thank GOD for FUTURE SIGHT! I can’t tell you how many times that move got me out of a tough situation! I did not want Stewart to get the chance to heal up Dunsparce, so I am so happy it took place when it did. Togekiss was Stewart’s last Pokemon so Barret hit him with thunderbolts twice to end the battle.

Yeah, well, you failed.

Stewart: How could I lose? I don’t know if Daddy will love me anymore…

He won’t. No one will. What a failure you are.

Stewart: Waaaah!

The screen fades black and Stewart runs away. I believe we don’t have to deal with him or any other of the Elite Fanboys anymore, so that’s good news.

Wilson compliments himself by assuming he is the greatest challenge I will be facing this game. Saga shrugs off his statement and high-tails it into beast mode.

Oh yeah, that’s right, Wilson scientifically alters his Pokemon’s genetics because he is a GODDAMN CHEATER.

This RizeFlygon shit is unacceptable. He knows Solar Charge and Solarbeam — the latter of which he uses after immediately consuming some kind of power herb thing. Since he’s taking Foxxy’s HP down so fast, I have to heal him after every turn, and the only move he was even able to get in before this started was Hail. It winds up being a bit of a good thing though, as at least RizeFlygon is taking some damage while I heal.

Don’t THINK I won’t wait out this hail to take you down!!

Well fuck-a-doodle-doo.

So, we have to start all over with RizeFlygon. We get lucky though, as he doesn’t follow the same pattern he used before. Up next is a poor, poor Goomy.

Someone needs to alert PokePETA right now of the mistreatment of Wilson’s Pokemon.

I ask Shawn to use Infernal Rage (which, if you didn’t know, has only 3PP and an insanely low percent chance of even hitting the target) and he misses. I wasn’t that surprised, I was just counting on that low percentage to work in my favor.

I tell Shawn to use Infernal Rage a second time, but CyberGoomy attacks first and kills him before he gets the chance. Not that it would have hit her anyway, but I thought I’d try.

I’m running through my head what is super-effective against Dragon. The first type that came to mind was Dragon. I threw Genevieve into the ring with the intention of asking her to use Dragon Rage, but CyberGoomy is smart and lands a Dragon Pulse. OHKO. Okay, so that didn’t work, what’s my next option? Fairy. Fairy is super-effective against Dragon. Yukio uses Dazzling Gleam against her but the super-effective sound effect didn’t happen and CyberGoomy’s HP stayed green. That must mean she’s not just Dragon.

FLY wasn’t very effective, Grass Knot wasn’t very effective… the battle came down to a constant Dazzling Gleam spam. CyberGoomy couldn’t take the light.

Barret stalls Mechamance as I give Shawn a Revive. I was guessing this screwed-up Salamance was a Steel-type, so I thought Shawn would be the most useful in this battle. Barret tested this theory by using Thunderbolt and, by golly, it hit her. Mechamance must not be Steel, then. Barret remains in the ring to bring her to justice, and as she knocks his HP down further and further, her speed gets higher and higher. She performed a Zen Headbutt on my electric lion and made him flinch. I was left with the decision of what to do next — attack in the hopes that Mechamance wouldn’t knock him out first, or spend the next turn using an item.

Mechamance flew in the air, so a FLY attack was coming. Surely this wouldn’t faint Barret. I asked him to attack.

Much rejoicing was had, as Barret survived and destroyed the enemy with a roar of thunder!

This little shit is ready for another round, but Shawn came prepared this time and started him off with a nice third-degree burn. Every time he devoured Shawn’s HP, the burn would take the health away. Megasparce went down to it and I laughed.

The Hydreigod awoke from her PokeBall slumber in anticipation of damning Saga’s Pokemon to the depths of the Sigil Hall hell. She was not aware Yukio possessed a powerful inner light that damaged her darkened soul and banished her back to whence she came!

Wilson steps into the battle to be all weird again and tell Saga how proud he is that she is destroying his mutated Pokemon.

WarHaxorus was not fun at all to battle with. He defeated Yukio, Shawn, Genevieve, and Zephyr one right after the other. A Revive race was sparked and many Full Restores were consumed before Foxxy took a step forward and froze the bastard. One Ice Beam later and Saga is proclaimed the victor of the fourth Sigil Hall.

Wilson: Well, there’s a place I haven’t been in a while. It’s at Varlox Cave, a cave quite close to Zarivar, where Professor Oak’s lab is. The problem is, after that powerful trainer entered the cave, he created a rock slide to seal it off.

He created a rock slide? Damnit. I was wrong. Aria isn’t the powerful trainer.

If it’s Jake, someone’s getting punched.

Wilson: These rocks are so ingrained, so heavy, they are immovable through normal means. There is one way we can get through, though. You see… Divaevus isn’t the only one that can use Tesseract. Constance City is an ancient place, and we have many secrets hidden away. I want you to meet me at the Timelocked Temple in the South-East corner of the city. There’s something I want to show you, and it may let you access the Hall of Legends. I’ll meet you there!

Sounds like we’re about to do some TIME-TRAVELLING, BITCHES!