WAYNE Rooney has ensured Portsmouth FC’s future after pledging them the contents of his sofa.

The knobbly skank-monger was updating his two day-old lounge furniture in his latest bid to save his marriage to a Lizzie Bardsley understudy, when he found Â£2.5m stuffed down the back of one of the cushions.

A source close to Rooney said: “He was puzzled why the sofa rattled every time he blew his muck up some deeply unhappy ex-stripper with abandonment issues.

“For a while he thought their fake boobs were filled with marbles.”

The source added: “It turns out it was the money he’d earned for looking like an angry thumb in an advert for a fizzy drink.”

Portsmouth FC were plunged into administration after former owner Alexendre Gaydamak left the club because everybody kept bursting into laughter whenever they heard his surname. Pompey fans had even taken to simulating sodomy with overcoats in tribute.

The money will be used to fund an education campaign for investors which explains that tossing your cash into a ravine and hoping it bounces back into your hand is a more reliable method of seeing a return on your money.

Rooney said: “I’m glad I can help out Portsmouth and if they need further assistance I’ll threaten to leave Manchester United until they agree to pay me Â£400,000 a week.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go buy an emerald the same size and shape as my erratic skull. Colleen came home from what she calls ‘work’ to find me hunched over the October edition of Which Whore?”

United said Rooney’s new contract represented excellent value for money adding that yes, they would also like the payment protection insurance and a load of Betamax video recorders as well, thank you very much.