Men have been beating the crap out of each other since the dawn of time, be it cavemen battling over the best-smelling woman or Jack Bauer biting out a man's jugular. Sure, the motives have changed, but the intent remains the same -- to feel that rush of adrenaline, the barbaric high that makes a man a man, and to be the best.

There is none of that in this list.

But don't lose interest. It takes a lot to be the worst. You need more than your run-of-the-mill sucking to make it here. More than just bad technique. Plenty of movies have punches telegraphed in Morse Code and roundhouse kicks landing a foot shy of their intended target. That's not bad enough for this list. You need more than just bad acting, too. Maybe you cringe watching Tony Jaa's constipated scowls, but the quality of the fights is at least ground chuck. These videos are Mad Cow. They're found art, beyond bad. But we love them all the same because everyone needs a redeeming quality -- and if you can't throw a punch, at least be able to throw a punch line.

(And to balance out the testosterone levels here, next week we'll count down the five best fight scenes ever. If you have an opinion, email it to esquirevideos@gmail.com.)

Star Trek

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Highlights

0:18 -- The slowest left hook ever thrown. Stephen Hawking could have dodged that one. 0:40-0:56 -- The longest tender embrace in fight scene history. Typically during deadly combat you shy away from eye fucking your attacker. It's like a fight in prison...a prison of their emotions. 1:19 -- Perhaps we shouldn't quibble over realistic touches, but moments earlier a double face-slap stunned the monster into submission. Now a boulder square to the stomach, and nothing? 1:49 -- The fact alone that he turns his back on a reptilian monster raising a rock over his head is incredible enough. But the look of utter shock that he threw it at him? What did he expect, for the lizard to carry it over, hand it to him, and burden him to death?

Adisaya Piravi

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Highlights

0:44 -- There is nothing shameful about being saved by a midget swinging one a rope. In fact it's a great reason to have kids if you live anywhere where Cops is filmed. Those fuckers can be helpful. 0:56 -- If this were a professional wrestling match, that move would be trademarked "The Back Breaker." And no one would use it. 1:16 -- And this guy's wrestling name would be The Thighmaster. (Credo: "He destroys opponents while squeezing his way to shapely hips and thighs.") 1:34 -- Now, that's just straight-up showboating. 1:47 -- How much would you pay to see this kid fight the monster from the first video? More or less than what you paid for the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight?

The Story of Ricky

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Highlights

0:56 -- It's a little-known medical fact that raw sewage cures blindness. 1:31 -- Eyes for an eye! Did you get the subtle symbolism there? This fight has a deep moral message. 1:38 -- Oh, right. Of course he has a hook hand. 2:20 -- Good fighters (like Jackie Chan) use props around them as weapons. Bad fighters (like this guy) use their intestines instead. 2:38 -- More fun with symbolism: In the end, he dies of a broken face. Because he is so ashamed of his defeat. He "lost face." (Deep. I know.)

L'Executeur

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Highlights

0:22 -- With a stance like that, this guy is clearly ready for a fight. A tickle fight. 0:56 -- Those are some devastating foot sweeps! He could do some real damage with those, like maybe break his achy breaky heart. 1:01 -- I think there was a metric conversion problem here. Like the script called for the victim to lose a milliliter of spit, but the American director was like, "How much is that? Like two cups?" 1:09 -- This is actually the toughest part of the whole scene. Dude's so cold-blooded that he doesn't let a routine neck-breaking get in the way of his daily cardio.

Unbreakable

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Highlights

0:02 -- Knife licking two seconds in. You just can't beat that. It's like this video is playing at a whole other level. 0:24 -- A short list of things that should never be shown in close-up slow motion: A woman belching, LL Cool J licking his lips, Clydesdales mating, and drool flying from a stage punch. 1:16 -- At this point, you should be asking yourself two questions: When did Cousin Larry get so jacked? And what did Balki Bartokomous do to get him this pissed off? 2:50 -- More horror, and disgust... 3:13 -- If the guy didn't die from the freight hook in his skull, I'm sure he could never have recovered from the hurt feelings that parting insult inflicted.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io