I’ve always loved condiments. In middle school, I’d eat condiments for lunch. And like, that’s it. Straight condiments. Except if you count my fingers. Because I was eating condiments off my fingers. (I HAD ALL THE FRIENDS.)

To avoid being a social pariah or some sort of leper or some sort of social pariah leper, I convinced myself that I’d have to replace my fingers with, you know, food. And what better than Burger King Chicken Tenders? Everything? Fuck. Don’t tell adolescent me.

Well, it turns out Hot and Spicy Seitan Tenders are especially better but, you know, I didn’t know that then. Moving on.

no really though, I want to move on. To the recipe. Please…

So I don’t know if it’s just because I have a soul, but I’m one of the few people who used to like Burger King Chicken Tenders more than McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets. I know that’s similar to saying I like drowning more than I like bleeding out but that’s crazy. Everyone would rather burn to death.

Anyways, there was a time when I ate Burger King. Actually, there was a time I used to eat a lot of Burger King. While my formative years brought Whoppers to my life (and directly towards my face, mouth especially, in a violent and chomping display of insanity), my childhood was rich with Burger King’s chicken tenders. I liked the spiciness, the portableness, the dipping options.

Finally, after years of completely forgetting about BK Chicken Tenders (never forget!), I made something entirely comparable and a thousand times better. I introduce to you, Hot and Spicy Seitan Tenders. Spicy and peppery and nutty and spicy and portable (I’ve walked them from my kitchen to my couch numerous times already). NOW BRING ON THE SPICY SRIRACHA VEGANAISE, MY MEATLESS BRETHREN.

HOT and SPICY SEITAN TENDERS

serves 4 as a snack, 2 as a protein for a meal

recipe adapted from Fat Free Vegan

Ingredients:

1 cup vital wheat gluten

2 tablespoons nutritional yeast

1 tablespoon onion powder

1 tablespoon garlic powder

2 teaspoons paprika

1 teaspoon cayenne

½ cup vegetable stock

3 tablespoons crunchy peanut butter

1 teaspoon chili garlic sauce

One time I saw the King just hanging out. True story. I wish it was a better one:

Preheat your oven to 350. Spray some cooking spray in a square baking pan.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Whisk together your wet ingredients. Accidentally spoon out too much peanut butter so you are forced to lick the spoon because no one should ever waste crunchy peanut butter.

Mix the wet ingredients into the bowl of dry ingredients and knead together until you have a well incorporated dough. Let it rest for a bit.

Press the dough into your prepared baking pan. Make four slits in the pressed dough, dividing it into 4 equal parts, to give yourself a guide for when you cut it after it’s completely cooked.

Bake for 25 minutes. Carefully flip the seitan over and cook for another 10 minutes. Let it cool. Cut that sucker. Gut it like a fish. But also really just cut it up into slices and eat it. Throw it in a salad, a stir fry, a wrap, some pasta (jk, we don’t eat pasta, right?) or, my favorite, directly in your mouth with some spicy veganaise.

NUTRITION

get a load of that vegan protein, AMIRIGHT?