Stephen King with his friend, the eternal void of blackness.

Thank you for hosting a reading by Stephen King at your bookstore! Please follow the schedule below to insure everything goes smoothly.

Noon — Mr. King will arrive at your bookstore. Please have a private room set aside for him with snacks, coffee, and Red Bulls (No Monster energy drinks! Mr. King writes about monsters, but never drinks them). Also, make sure the oldest typewriter in your city is sitting at a desk in the room in case Mr. King feels the urge to write a story or stare at an old typewriter.

1:00 PM — Mr. King will do a sound check and make sure the reading room is in sufficient order. If he deems the room isn’t spooky enough for a reading, you will add cobwebs, fog, and clattering skeleton noises until Mr. King walks off in a huff. That means he approves.

1:30 PM — You may allow people to be seated in the reading room.

1:50 PM — You will take a picture of the crowd and then show it to Mr. King. If he deems the crowd isn’t spooky enough, you will add cobwebs to their clothes, fog to their seating areas, and instruct some of them to make clattering skeleton noises.

2:00 PM — Mr. King’s opening act is his niece, Diane King. She will read selections from the dictionary in order to get the crowd used to hearing words. Don’t be too nice to her.

2:30 PM — You will introduce Mr. King to the crowd. Here is the EXACT introduction you will read: “Please welcome the Lord of Horror, the Sultan of Revolting, and the Shah of AHHHHH!, Stephen “King of Writing” King, author of your nightmares, your deepest fears, and the book The Shawshank Redemption was based on.” If you don’t read this word for word, Mr. King will steal your name and won’t return it until he watches you buy one of his more expensive books.

2:31 PM — Mr. King will read selections from The Hunger Games. Realize at no point in the contract you signed did it mention Mr. King would read from his books. Mr. King does not like reading his books. They’re too scary.

5:00 PM — Mr. King will stop reading selections from The Hunger Games.

5:01 PM — Mr. King will read selections from Mockingjay. Mr. King is only aware of the first and third books in the Hunger Games trilogy. Do not inform him of the second book!

7:30 PM — Mr. King will stop reading selections from Mockingjay. He will say his goodbyes, hand one member of the crowd a card with the date of their death on it, and then Mr. King will leave, taking whatever he wants from your store with him.

7:31 PM — You will call Mr. King’s niece a cab. Not a nice one, though.

8:00 PM — Mr. King will text you a thank you note for hosting the event. Please only respond with pictures of cobwebs, fog, or clattering skeletons.

Thank you in advance for following these instructions.

Yours truly,

Mr. King’s Manager

P.S. Mr. King has stolen my name and I refuse to buy one of his books.