CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’ Mexico, but are any of these tchotchkes able to express the pure magic of snorkeling with my wife and the nice couple we met from Columbus, OH?” said Washburn, adding that neither the gift shop’s Yucatán refrigerator magnet, nor its Calavera shot glass, nor its miniature sombrero could ever paint a picture so vivid as to evoke how one feels taking a disposable camera photograph of their 8-year-old daughter getting her hair braided. “However exquisite this bracelet made of tiny maracas may be, are its pinks and blues anything more than pale shades of the sunset observed from Señor Frogs’ outdoor seating area? Does this 1-inch ceramic turtle not offer its owner a fraction of the scintillating rush one only experiences at Riviera Maya’s Extreme Zipline and Canopy Adventure?” At press time, Washburn was satisfied after purchasing a fitted baseball cap with the Mexican flag on it.

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