WHEELING, WV—Sources at Kiskey High School confirmed that Mrs. Landrum’s seventh-period English class looked on in sympathy Wednesday as the teacher turned to face her students and inadvertently erased part of the whiteboard with her gigantic ass. “Boy, that was hard to watch,” sophomore Anthony Diaz reportedly said to himself, echoing the thoughts of several classmates who visibly winced and then frowned in pity upon realizing Landrum had no idea the ungainly motion of her colossal backside had just obliterated the names of several Victorian poets. “When she turns back around and sees what’s happened—that’s going to be rough. I can’t even joke about this. I feel too bad for her.” At press time, sources said the students had all independently resolved not to let on that they had noticed anything.

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