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Cardinal Dolan, Pope Francis Can’t Seem To Find A Case For Excommunicating Andrew Cuomo

Conceding that, though the Catholic Church would no longer tolerate blasphemous and heretical decisions made by Catholic politicians, both Cardinal Timothy Dolan and Pope Francis confirmed Thursday that they couldn’t, for the life of them, find a single reason to excommunicate Governor Andrew Cuomo a day after he signed a bill that allows abortions up to the final day of pregnancy.

“Oh, it’s not for a lack of trying,” Dolan told EOTT this morning. “But he’s a sneaky little guy. If he does ever use his public office to do something completely contrary to faith and morals, he doesn’t do it out in the open. He’s like a mob boss. You know he’s up to something, but you just can’t seem to catch him in the act. Trust me, we’ve searched high and low for reasons to excommunicate this guy, but he’s always been one step ahead of us.”

“That tricky little rat,” Pope Francis said as he frantically searched through New York magazines and websites in hopes of finding even the smallest trace of blasphemy. “Sheesh, he’s good! Can’t find a darn thing on this guy. I don’t know—perhaps the best thing to do is to hang tight and be patient. A guy like this, he’s bound to slip and commit an abomination. That’s when we’ll get him.”