Miami Marlins fans have quickly learned to dread seeing manager Don Mattingly exit the dugout and head to the pitcher’s mound anytime in the early or mid-innings. Seeing him signal for the bullpen has triggered stress and anxiety throughout South Florida and across the globe. While the back-end of the Marlins bullpen has been excellent and exciting, with A.J. Ramos, David Phelps, and Kyle Barraclough all providing excellent innings of relief, the middle-relief portion has been less than stellar. Many Marlins wins this season have basically required the starting pitcher to hand the game off to the “good part” of the bullpen. Names of middle relievers like Chris Narveson and Craig Breslow likely cause a twitch in the eye of any true Marlins fan.

Mercifully, both Narveson and Breslow were removed from their roles and sent to Triple-A New Orleans after passing through waivers unclaimed (obviously no Will Smith “how come [they] don’t want me, man?” needed here. But let’s put one in anyway.)

Since arriving in New Orleans, the two pitchers that ruined many Marlins games have seemingly taken it upon themselves to start ruining Zephyrs games as well. Here’s a closer look: (parental guidance suggested, as some of the statistics that will be relayed in the next section are absolutely abhorrent, disgusting, and should realistically not need to be seen by anyone)

Craig Breslow

Craig Breslow was signed before the season and made the Opening Day roster. He appeared in 15 games, pitching 14 innings for the Marlins and posting a 4.50 ERA with only 7 strikeouts and 4 walks. Those numbers may not seem terrible on the surface, but Breslow was inexplicably unable to strand runners on base. It seemed as though any time he came into a game with runners on base, those runners would come around to score. Countless Breslow outings ended with a “0” in the runs allowed column on his line, but added several to the previous pitcher’s line instead. In only 14 innings pitched, Breslow ended up with a Win Probability Added (WPA) number of -0.41. He basically (very, very basically) cost the Marlins half a win despite pitching so few innings.

He has only appeared in one game since being designated for assignment, clearing waivers, and being outrighted to Triple-A. In that one game, he pitched an inning and allowed three runs on four hits, good for a 27.00 ERA. That seems about accurate for those who watched Breslow pitch on the Marlins this season.

Chris Narveson

Chris Narveson is one of those pitchers who you really want to see pitch if you’re a fan of the opposing team. Another member of the Miami Marlins Opening Day 2016 roster, Narveson pitched 8 1/3 miserable innings for the Fish. He posted a comical 8.64 ERA (which was backed up by metrics, not just bad luck.) Marlins fans watched him throw pitch after pitch right down the middle of the plate to great hitters although even slowpitch softball players could probably have laced line drives off of him. He was, like Breslow, mercifully put down and designated for assignment. He was probably the easiest “pass” for the other 29 general managers in baseball history, quickly clearing waivers and being outrighted to Triple-A New Orleans.

Since donning the Zephyrs uniform, Narveson has started three games (seriously) and appeared in five total. In his 18 innings, he has a nice, neat, 7.00 ERA. Advanced metrics, however, show that he is actually worse than that.

Unfortunately for Marlins fans, at least based on previous patterns shown by the Marlins front office, both Breslow and Narveson will likely pitch for the Marlins again this season. Based on previous patterns shown by Don Mattingly, they will appear in critical situations, such as the late innings of close games, or will come in to face the opposing team’s best hitter, or maybe one of them will come in with the bases loaded. Either way, visiting team fans at Marlins Park will have someone to root for this summer.