Recap: Saga rode an exploding Electrode and also defeated Wilson for the second time.

Thank you for your patience! Saga’s adventures in Zeta continue now as she is about to enter this big scary building!

Inside this mansion is this item. I think it’s called a “Rare Box” or something… I forget. I didn’t use it. It just rotted away in my item bag.

Saga finds some statues that have a weird ambiance to them. What does she do? She touches them. Because, why wouldn’t you?

And now we travel to the paaaaaaaast!

The past lacks color.

HERE is what we want! The magic HM that allows us to travel through time without the use of statues!

Wilson: As you may have figured out, Odin isn’t the only one who knows the secrets of the Tesseract move. The Timelocked Temple is a very ancient place. It contains the secret to time itself, something that was previously only known to Divaevus and Odin. But now, it’s legacy is passed on to you.

I promise I will be absolutely responsible with my newfound ability to travel through time… I totally won’t go into the past and prevent Jake from ever wanting to become a Pokemon trainer…

Wilson: The Master’s Sigil will let you use Tesseract outside of battle. It can be used by any legendary Pokemon or Pokemon with enough mystical energy. For example, Jirachi and the Unown are all perfect candidates for Tesseract.

Oh wait… only legendaries can use it? So… that means I’m gonna have to go fetch Jirachi from the daycare, then.

Wilson: Tesseract is useful in battle, too. It has a 20 percent chance of being Super Effective on any given attack. You will be able to use this move to access the Hall of Legends. Go now, Saga! You have to get to Varlox Cave! You have to find this powerful trainer before Odin does, or the world as we know it might end!

I UNDERSTAND. YEESH.

We FLY to the area where our friendly daycare couple lives and ask for Enlyn back. The dude tries to give us Vick instead.

I told you, you can have him. Seriously, stop trying to push him back into my party.

Enlyn only grew 3 levels during his stay. He obviously wasn’t trying hard enough to become stronger for Saga.

I don’t want Vick to be lonely, so I withdraw another Pokemon I care very little about and give him to the old man in Enlyn’s place. Gabe & Gil will now be spending every day with the Geodude.

As you can see, I’ve also deposited Shawn into the PC *sniff sniff* so that Enlyn has a place in the party. I’m sorry, Shawn! I had to pick someone and to me, you’ve always felt like the weakest! Please forgive me, I’ll come back for you!

In the search for Varlox Cave, I believe I had to consult a walkthrough in order to get started. I don’t think I figured out on my own that I had to be in Zarivar Town.

Regardless, we needed to SURF at the top of the town.

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD.

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS.

I HAVE TO USE FUCKING WATERFALL TO GET TO VARLOX CAVE?

I HAVE TO USE FUCKING FISH TO GET TO VARLOX CAVE?

NO.

FUCK THAT NOISE.

WHERE’S THE REPLACEMENT ITEM

I had to climb that annoying mountain just to find the Jetpack, but it was totally worth it just to avoid using Fish again.

Back to business.

The more Saga travels across the water, the more I’m beginning to realize that Enlyn isn’t going anywhere. I’m going to wind up using him in my party during the final battle. (I’m so sorry Shawn, I can’t return for you) This is awful. He is horribly underleveled. This basically means I’m going up against Varlox Cave with 5 usable Pokemon.

To kick off the epic battling about to be had in the cave, N and Cyrus ambush Saga before she can see the ultimate trainer.

Cyrus: The so-called greatest trainer lies ahead.

N: For years he’s waited for a challenger.

Cyrus: Let us test your power, Saga! Defeat us, then go forth to conquer the Hall of Legends!

Why must I prove myself to everybody in this damn game?!

Oh boy, here we go. Saga vs two trainers at the same time.

Zephyr is actively trying to steal your focus from Genevieve.

When Vanilluxe was first sent out, the textbox at the bottom of the screen actually said he was a Zoroark. I didn’t take much advantage of that accidental knowledge, unfortunately.

Zephyr took down Crobat and then leveled up once. Before this fight, I had given Enlyn the Experience Share, thinking that maybe he would gain a few levels before the final fight. Not that I was hoping he would wind up being useful.

Zoroark’s last attack fainted Zephyr, prompting Yukio to take his place.

I thought when I saw Palkia was about to enter the stage I would be frightened, but he just wanted to come out and snack on Vanilluxe.

Because Vanilluxe isn’t a Pokemon.

Vanilluxe is ice cream.

N got tired of Palkia eating his dessert, so he withdrew her and sent out Zekrom instead.

Then some weird stuff went down between the two legendaries…

We averted our eyes and went back to pulverizing them until Yukio tapped out.

I should have just used Barret and Foxxy from the start. They sure as hell weren’t taking any prisoners.

Cyrus speaks more eloquently than N does. N’s ending speech was something like “Gee, you really are amazing! Go fight the ultimate trainer!” or some boring crap like that.

Luckily I brought a lot of Revives and Full Restores (because I’m filthy rich), so I didn’t need to escape the cave to heal for once.

You can never be too careful, ladies and gentlemen. I have lost many a temper thanks to forgetting to save.

At last, after fighting the Elite Four twice, having to use Fish waaaaay too many times, and climbing mountains for hours, we are about to finally face the ultimate trainer!!

And…

He…

Is…!

AAAAAHHHHHHH!

OF COURSE, YOU IDIOT!

IT’S RED!!

*smacks self in forehead*

This could not be more perfect. First up is Pikachu against Genevieve! We all know how that’s going to end, right? DIG MUTHERFUCKER! OHKO!

Oh, Blastoise is next, hm? Better just send out Barret,who’s going to kill you with another OHKO—

Oh? No OHKO? That’s cool, we’ll just kill you next turn with–

You want to fight against Foxxy. Sorry, that’s not happening. Barret, get back out there you sly–

ENLYN?!

ENLYN NO! GET BACK IN YOUR BALL!

BLASTOISE KNOWS JIRACHI IS THE WEAKEST ONE IN MY PARTY

HE KNOOOWWWSS!

Blastoise, you’re going to fight against Barret whether you like it or not. Now deal with it and accept your death.

Oh my god, stop that. Seriously. Knock it off.

Okay, new strategy. If he’s just gonna keep using Dragon Tail to sort through my team, then I’ll send out Foxxy in the hopes that he will use it and accidentally bring out Barret or Yukio.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, REALLY?

Blastoise… is a dick.

This is all he fucking does. He’s just using Dragon Tail over and over, lowering everybody’s HP, barely allowing me to get a hit on him. Was he like this for any of you guys?? I’m not even kidding, I almost pulled some of my hair out fighting him.

Oh, oh, oh, to top things off, he’s holding a Leftovers, so his HP is healed every turn. I’m sure you noticed, but I had to bring it up so you could relish in rage with me.

HAH!

Take that you son of a bitch!!

You wanted to fight Foxxy, well now you’re fighting Foxxy.

AND YOUR FROZEN. Serves you right you fucking dick.

Blastoise may be out of the picture, but now we have to face Charizard, who is not much easier. He’s not spamming moves or anything, but he has maximized his attack already, making him a huge threat to our survival. He’s also got a Leftovers because this game hates me.

Zephyr got lucky with a critical hit that took Charizard down.

Next up is Snorlax… of course…

Zephyr knows he doesn’t stand much of a chance against this big guy, so before he faints, he throws a Future Sight in so Snorlax will still take damage.

I send in Yukio with the intention of reviving someone while he takes the fall.

Thanks to the fact that Snorlax has to recharge every time he uses Giga Impact, we manage to get more than one hit in before his next attack. The big lug rolls over after Foxxy’s last Ice Beam, admitting defeat.

We’ve taken down Blastoise, Pikachu, Charizard, and Snorlax. Red has two Pokemon left. I was thinking we had already defeated the tough ones of the bunch.

But I was very, very wrong.

Venusaur was still alive… and was completely prepared to make our lives a living hell before the fight was over.