Let’s be honest with each other, Cleveland. If you’re going to the cinema this weekend, you’re probably going to see Man of Steel. I get it. I will probably be doing the exact same thing. Luckily (or purposefully), there aren’t many limited release films premiering in the area this week. Personally, I want Man of Steel to get all of the money this weekend. I’m not the biggest Superman fan, but I am a gigantic fan of most of the rest of the DC comic universe. I think I speak for the rest of the DC fan base when I say that the film world needs a Justice League movie to happen, and the only way to attain that goal is to throw all of our money at Man of Steel. Subsequently, I speak for a deeply impassioned, though significantly smaller, fan base when I say that the film world also needs Guillermo Del Toro’s Justice League Dark movie to happen. If you were traveling inside a molecule-sized Magic School Bus, you could spend an entire episode studying the release of endorphins inside my body at the thought of getting to see a JLA/JLD film within the next few years.

Now there are probably several people reading this that have no clue what I’m talking about or simply don’t care about comic book movies. Fear not, baby birds. Momma bird is gonna feed you. The Capitol Theater is showing two eternal classics this weekend; each for the bank account-safe price of $5.

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985) at the Capitol Theater

Saturday, June 15, at midnight

Synopsis: In this riotously funny movie about his cross-country search for his stolen bike, Pee-wee Herman encounters bikers, cowboys, crooks and a phantom trucker.

Yes, this movie is an eternal classic, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. If you were a child between 1985 and 1995, you’ve likely seen this film. If you haven’t seen Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, you need not hide your shame any longer. This was one of the first films I ever discovered on my own as a child. I haven’t seen it in quite a long time. It feels like one of those movies that would seem a lot creepier as an adult than it did as a child. It’s weird to think that this was Tim Burton’s first full-length debut considering the majorly influential director he would become. The film was also co-written by one of my all-time favorite Saturday Night Live cast members, the late great Phil Hartman. This is yet another great “late shift” film you can catch at the Capitol this Saturday. Be sure to tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya.

Magnificent Seven (1960) at the Capitol Theater

Sunday, June 16, at 10:00AM

Synopsis: Tired of being ravaged by an army of marauding bandits, the residents of a small Mexican village seek help from seven American gunfighters. The only problem? It’s seven against 50! This Western adaptation of Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai is one of the genre’s best.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a father, and my father has a real passion for westerns and films about feudal Japan. This one happens to be a western inspired by a film about feudal Japan. With Father’s Day sneaking up on us this Sunday, the Capitol is doing a lot of us a real solid in screening Magnificent Seven. It is possibly one of the manliest movies ever with a cast list that reads like a dream team of testosterone. Two hours with Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, James Coburn, and the Death Wish vigilante himself, Charles Bronson is exactly the kind of Father’s Day outing that any western-lover can get excited about. This is one of those classic films that I saw as a child and have not re-watched as an adult. I’ve kind of been waiting for the Capitol or Cedar Lee to screen Seven Samurai so I can see the original before seeing the American interpretation (Hint hint, Cedar Lee and/or Capitol).

If your mind isn’t still melted from Man of Steel, or if you had no intention of paying $10 to see an illegal alien (think about it) pummel villains into dust, spend $5 and catch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure or Magnificent Seven. Also, leave a comment if you’re reading this. If you don’t, Large Marge will visit you in your nightmares and tell you about the worst accident she’s ever seen.