WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he would enthusiastically support any bill which updated the Family Medical Leave Act to allow for up to 12 weeks unpaid menstruation leave each year. Calling it a long needed reform, Pence says an outbreaks of the “girl flu”, as the Vice President calls it, can wreak havoc on working relationships.

“In our home when Mother was dealing with her monthlies we’d spend some time apart praying on her sinfulness and that always kept the peace. With that policy serving me so well at home, I implemented it in my office as well, and I believe this program can be successfully adapted to workplaces nationwide.” Said the Vice President to the assembled meeting of the League of Women Voters. “Women are delicate creatures, and while they make excellent secretaries, I feel strongly that our nation’s workplaces would run more efficiently if men didn’t have to deal with untimely visits from Aunt Flo. However, I want to make it clear that these women should not be penalized for having their menses. We men should be sympathetic while they endure the curse God has given them for their hubris. I’m suggesting we allow them one week each month during “their time” to pray on their wickedness and reflect on how they can best do the Lord’s work. And when that time has passed and are no longer unclean, they should return to their job without fear they’ve been replaced.”

Pence said that if this initiative proved successful, he’d consider making it policy at our nation’s schools as well, saying the young ladies who were “flowering” could spend this confusing time isolated from their peers and studies so they can develop skills like cooking, needle-working, and self-consciousness, that will stay with them as women all their lives.

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