TG: im having a baby anon



TG: and the baby is you

CG: WHAT THE FUCK, STRIDER.

TG: you didnt follow

TG: just think it over bro

TG: let it allll

TG: sink

TG: in

CG: YOU’RE TRYING TO GIVE ME A STROKE, AREN’T YOU? ORDERLY! MALE NURSE PERSON! LADY DELIVERING MAIL! YOU ARE ALL WITNESSES THAT THIS FRENCH VANILLA DWEEB IS TRYING TO MAKE ME HAVE A STROKE.

CG: ALSO, I THINK I WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT PARENT, AND FUCK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR MAKING FUN OF ME FOR SAYING SO.

TG: nah actually

TG: youd be a great dad

CG: …

CG: REALLY?

GG: as for me… hmm! i like kids, but id rather take them to the park and stuff them with soda and candy and them give them back to their parents XD

TG: so you’d rather be somebodys cool aunt

GG: yeah!! or maybe a babysitter or an au pair or something!

GG: getting paid to eat ice cream and watch movies with explosions in them would rock!

TG: where were you when i was six

GG: busy being only eight myself!!

GG: how about you rose? any secret longing to settle down and sprog?

TT: I have no real desire to continue the Lalonde line.

TT: I think instead I will raise triops.

GA: Triops

GA: What Are Those

TT: They’re little aquatic living fossils. Look, here’s one eating a carrot.

GA: Its Eating A Carrot

GA: While Sitting On Another Carrot

GA: Why Is That So Cute

GA: Can We Have Twenty

GA: Twenty Beautiful Alien Fossil Children

TT: I thought you might find them appealing. Of course we can.

TT: Together we can dominate this puny realm with our vast army of weensy antediluvian horrors.

GA: Doki

GA: And Also Doki

TT: Ooh. Two dokis.

TA: ii’m wiith ll, only ii’ll 2tiick two bee2.

TA: le22 freaky 2hellfii2h 2liitheriing around two haunt my dream2, more free honey and 2pon2ored vloggiing opportwoniitiie2.

TA: but real iinfant2, fuck that noii2e.

TA: have you ever 2een 2omeone giive biirth, iit’2 completely dii2gu2tiing.

TA: you wiill never look at a bajiingo the 2ame way agaiin, oh my god.

TA: one tiime uncle boxcar2 had two 2iit wiith hiis cou2iin, 2he had two have a c-2ectiion

TA: and her hu2band wa2 siick and couldn’t come iin, and HB couldn’t thiink of an excu2e fa2t enough two get out of iit

TA: Dad 2 told me the progeny’2 head popped up out of her belly liike a jack-iin-the-box covered iin blood and whatever el2e they come out covered iin

TA: HB pa22ed out riight there on the floor, lmao.

TA: that guy ii2 the siize of a double wiide traiiler home, he priiz3 fiight2 liike other people play golf.

TA: he ha2 all the2e trophiie2 and everythiing, he ha2 offiiciially made two people pii22 themselve2 ju2t by glariing at them.

TA: and then he goe2 riight the fuck over liike a biig 2ad 2ack of briick2, bu2ted hii2 liip on the bed raiil.

TA: he got beat down by a 2qualliing neonate wiith abnormal neck mu2cle control, lol.

CG: HORRIFYING. I AM HORRIFIED. FUCK YOU FOR PUTTING THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD FOREVER.

TA: you are a2 welcome a2 ever, kk.

CG: IF I COULD DELETE THE PAST ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SECONDS FROM MY OVER-TRAUMATIZED BRAIN…. I WOULDN’T. BECAUSE I MIGHT FORGET HOW GROSS YOU ARE.

TA: <3 <3

CG: CATCH HERPES FOR REAL. ANYWAY, BACK TO SANITY, I WOULDN’T MIND BEING A PARENT EVEN IF THEY ARE GROSS. KIDS ARE SMART AND FUNNY AS HELL.

EB: hehehehe it’s funny you should say that karkat! when we played the game you ended up covered in tiny little versions of y–

CG: EGBERT.

CG: I COULD HAVE SWORN I TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU MENTIONED YOUR STORY AROUND ME AGAIN, I WOULD PERSONALLY CONFISCATE YOUR SPINE AND FLOSS WITH IT.

TT: Yes. Yes, you did.

GA: We Could Hear You All The Way From The Greenhouse

CG: WELL GOOD THEN! I HAVE WITNESSES.

EB: do what you must, karkat! the world deserves to know you were adorable and totally parental in an alternate timeline

CG: WELL WELL LOOK AT THE TIME, IT’S FLOSS O CLOCK!

CG: ARE YOU READY TO SPELUNK THE UNSPEAKABLE CESSPIT BETWEEN MY MOLARS, YOU SMUG LITTLE SHITGIGGLE? I NEVER MADE A SCORE OF GROSS BUG BABIES AND NONE OF THEM EVER TOOK A DUMP IN MY HAIR THE COLOR OF ROTTEN EASTER CANDY

EB: whatever dude. it so happened.

TG: vantas

TG: please continue

CG: ANYWAY, YEAH. SURE, I’D RAISE A KID.

CG: EVEN IF I TURNED OUT TO SUCK ROYALLY AT CHILD REARING, I LITERALLY PHYSICALLY CANNOT DO ANY WORSE A JOB THAN ANY OF OUR OWN PARENTS, RIGHT? AND LOOK AT US, WE CAME OUT FINE.

GA: That Was The Most Rousing Pep Talk Of All Time I Am Genuinely Enthusiastic About My Impending Career As Assistant Aquatic Fossil Monster Motherhood

TT: I have a fresh invert trader catalogue in the greenhouse.

GA: Can I Lick The Stamp

TG: no one say anything

TG: …

TG: thank you please move along