There’s a preacher man on The Ultimate Fighter 19. A lot of MMA fighters are religious; B and I have a good eye-roll at the ones who ink crosses and bible verses all over their bodies, and the ones who fall to their knees thanking God for helping them beat the shit outta that other Christian. But this is the first time I’ve seen an actual preacher in the cage.

I don’t think God actually likes this preacher – Todd Monaghan – very much. I mean, sure, Todd got to live the dream by submitting his opponent with an arm bar, thus winning a spot on the show. So far, so “God loves meeeee!” But then he got defeated his very first fight against an opponent who didn’t seem to like hitting preachers in the face. Daniel Spohn (who got into The Ultimate Fighter house by knocking a tough dude out cold in front of the dude’s mom) pretty much just dumped Todd on the ground and kept him there for the entire fight. His corner screamed at Spohn to score some points with some ground-and-pound. Dana White, lord and master of the UFC, nearly puked with boredom. But Spohn just kind of hugged and squeezed, while Mr. Man-o-God did not listen to the excellent advice being screamed at him by the two legendary fighters coaching him. Perhaps he couldn’t hear them over the sound of his praying. It ended with Todd basically being cuddled to defeat and the man who could make-or-break his MMA career thoroughly disgusted with him. God works in mysterious ways, eh, Preacher Todd?

Alas, he’s around for the whole season, because losers stay in the house to watch everyone else win. And he probably now believes God only wanted him there to win souls. Sigh. Happily, most of his preaching appears to have been left on the cutting room floor.

But it’s not the defeat that makes me think that if Jesus actually exists, he can’t stand Preacher Todd. It’s not even the fact Jesus doesn’t seem to want him preaching the gospel on teevee in between yakking to the audience about the other fighters. It’s the stuff Jesus has done for him that makes me wonder.

You see, Preacher Todd is a man who has been blessed by God. We got to hear all about it the Sunday before his defeat, when he gave a little sermon to the guys about how his life had been soooo shitty before God. He told ‘em how he’d been adopted by a white family in Iowa, who protected him from gangs and stuff, but couldn’t do his African-American hair right, so the black kids teased him. So he got into fights, and the next thing he knew – bam – he started “selling things I shouldn’t sell.” His life of crime doesn’t sound at all bad: all that robbing and stealing got him lots of nice things in college. He’d make at least $1,000 per weekend, so he had all the “ladies” he wanted, 5 pairs of gold teeth, more shoes than Imelda Marcos, and apparently no jail time worth mentioning.

Then his neighbor got all up in his face with some bible verses and knowing Christ as his savior, so he decided to do it “God’s way.” He didn’t say what that is, but did assure everyone that God blessed him with a Jaguar for his very first car after converting. Coulda been a Pinto, and “materials” aren’t important, he sez, but God gave him a Jaguar. And he’s not bragging or materialistic or anything, but God’s also blessed him with a camper and a boat and a brand new Tahoe. We weren’t told if the gold jewelry and Rolex watch he wears are also blessings or were purchased with the ill-gotten gains of his youth, but God surely has blessed Preacher Todd with many nice vehicles. That’s what you get when you are, and I quote, “taking care of business” for the Lord.

This is the point where I started laughing my ass off – I mean, seriously, a Baptist MMA fighter spouting all this Prosperity Gospel bullshit? LOLZ.

Now, I’m an atheist, and I really think Todd has managed to bless his own self with all this stuff, both back when he stole it and now that he’s earning it with the sweat of his brow. But something struck me that has never occurred to me before.

If we take this shit at face value, if there is a Jesus and he did say that shit attributed to him in the New Testament, such as:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God. (Mark 10:25)

and really meant it:

Again, I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the Kingdom of God. (Matthew 19:24)

what does it mean if Jesus makes you rich?

Sounds to me like JC can’t stand Preacher Todd and all these other Prosperity Gospel ratfuckers, and is making absolutely damned sure he won’t have to spend eternity with them. I can tell you from personal experience that there is zero chance of any standard camel getting through the eye of quite large needles.

Now, murderers, rapists, thieves, and other assorted assholes can repent and be saved, thus ensuring they end up in Heaven.

But do you really think these Prosperity Gospel greedlords will ever do what Jesus commands in Mark 10:21?

Nope.

Which means, if Jesus is making you rich, you might want to consider what that says about his long-term plans for you and your soul.

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