Angela Merkel pissing herself laughing after sending new boy Boris on errand to get some elbow grease

The German Chancellor has played a brilliant joke on Boris Johnson by giving him 30 days to buy some elbow grease.

The British Prime Minister is today eagerly scouring the hardware stores of Europe after being tasked with obtaining some elbow grease in order to avoid a no-deal Brexit.

“I wouldn’t normally treat a fellow Head of State with so little respect,” said Ms Merkel. “But I can’t imagine Boris will be in post very long – he’s basically the work experience lad, isn’t he?

“Hee hee, the way his little face lit up when I told him that we should be able to agree on an alternative to the Irish backstop with just a little elbow grease. Priceless!

“The genius part was giving him 30 days to get some. A whole month of flying around, hitting his head against the window like a fly trying to leave the room before he finally realises he was on a fool’s errand all along!

“Who said us Germans have no sense of humour?”

Boris, however, is very optimistic about the whole thing.

“I’m very happy with Angela’s blistering timetable,” said the man who can’t work out how to put a condom on.

“Thirty days is more than enough time to procure a jar of elbow grease. Or maybe it’s a tin. No matter, we’ll find it!

“I’ve got my top civil servants on the case. When I told them what we had to do they stared at me in disbelief – I imagine because they couldn’t get their heads around how easy it all was.

“But they soon promised to crack on with the job in hand.

“That’s the secret to leadership – surround yourself with people who want you to succeed.”