by Rebecca Slaman. @rebeccaslaman.

NEW YORK, NY - Conservatives throughout the U.S. are publicly condemning the current Broadway revival “Oklahoma!” after claiming its’ presence has influenced the 859th mass sexual awakening in the U.S. this year alone, sources have confirmed.





“This just doesn’t happen in countries with the regular, non-sexy ‘Oklahoma!,’” noted conservative radio host Jet McCracken. “Jud Fry just sits there like a steamy stalk of corn, corrupting the audience with his longing gaze. This behavior is unseemly, it is destroying our family values, and nobody is listening,” he added while boarding up his studio to stay safe from the “radical hornies”.





The “reimagined” production, directed by Daniel Fish, features new staging, non-traditional casting, and updated musical arrangements, and won two Tonys as well as widespread critical and audience acclaim.





One guest on McCracken’s program cited her personal experience at the show.





“This chaps-slapping Fucklahoma made me realize I have never been truly satisfied in my marriage,” noted the woman. “Ali Stroker looked at me during ‘I Cain’t Say No’ and that was it, there was no going back. This is becoming so common, the media isn’t even giving these awakenings proper coverage anymore,” she added before boarding an Olivia cruise line ship.





She declined to share her name, but said she would give her number to any cast member if asked.





The response on social media has been split, with users touting the hashtag #OklahomaControlNow, while defenders of the show began to spread #OurHornyRevivalOurRight.





“Damon Daunno optioning up to falsetto rattled the IUD out of my body. Now I’m pregnant and it’s all his fault,” tweeted user @smokehouse69, garnering retweets from politicians such as Ted Cruz, Betsy DeVos, and especially Mike Pence, who is desperately trying to pass an executive order banning all hot, nasty revivals of classic musicals moving forward.





At press time, the protests have sparked an uptick in ticket sales from thrill-seeking theatergoers who are consider seeing the show akin to skydiving or bear fighting in terms of its’ danger. “Oklahoma!” is running at the Circle in the Square Theater through January, and has become a topic of great contention during the 2020 Democratic debates, capturing the attention of many single-issue voters - the single issue being what many fans refer to as “Sexlahorna!”.