WASHINGTON—Kicking and punching his brother in an effort to fight the “Germans” [sic] that were swarming all over his sibling’s body, Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, “He’s got the Mulan virus!” Thursday while attempting to quarantine Eric Trump by duct taping a garbage bag over his brother’s head. “Oh my God, ew, ew, ew! Eric, do you have the Mulan Virus?” said a horrified Don Jr., who, after sticking his hand into his brother’s mouth to take his temperature, screamed and immediately sprayed an “antelope” [sic] of Lysol down Eric’s throat. “If you don’t fight the Mulan virus soon, you could invest [sic] everyone and start a worldwide academic [sic]. Seriously! Okay, now just stay still while I put a bag over my own head.” At press time, Don Jr. was attempting to create some air holes for his younger brother by repeatedly stabbing the garbage bag with a compass.

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