The holiday season is here, and for America's teens that means one thing: preseeennnttsss!!

Teens are everywhere these days. Perhaps you have a child, niece, or nephew who's a teen. Or perhaps you know a teen for some other appropriate reason! Whatever the case may be, you better get your teen a good present if you want him to take care of you when you are even older than you are now.

But who knows what teens want? Not you. That is where we come in. What follows is a realistic guide to giving gifts to teens.

For a Young Teen...

iPhone 6

If your teen is 13 or 14 years old, she probably already has a smart phone, but maybe it's her older brother's used iPhone 4. Basically everyone in your teen's class already has an iPhone 6, so oh my god, please get her an iPhone 6. Not the 6 Plus—your teen still has a child's hands.

If you are even thinking about getting your teen an Android, you are insane and need more than this guide to help you.

Date with a member of One Direction

This one's gonna be hard to pull off, so you might want to get your teen their new dumb CD as a back up.

For an Older Teen...

Fake ID

If you are close enough in age to your teen of the same gender, it would be nice to go to the DMV and get him the real thing. Otherwise, you can email me at allie@gawker.com for the name of a website my sorority used six years ago.

Septum ring

Real or fake, septum rings are the cool new way to distort your face. Look to FKA Twigs for inspiration, even though she stole your teen's pretend BF Robert Pattinson.

My own apartment Jesus Christ I can't live with you people anymore

If you are wealthy enough to buy your teen his own apartment, please adopt me. Failing that, a lock for your teen's door would be a good, practical gift.

For a Girl Teen...

Brandy Melville clothing

If you think teen girls still like Abercrombie and Fitch, you are so old and wrong! Brandy Melville is the hot store at the mall now. Almost everything is under $50, one-size-fits-all, and roughly the same color, so there's pretty much no way you'll fuck it up.

White comforter

Take one look at Tumblr, this is the only thing teen girls want.

For a Boy Teen...

PlayStation 4

I've heard that the PS4 is the gaming system of choice for today's young men. Wrap it up with a copy of The Second Sex, just to be safe.

For 50 Percent of Teens...

Condoms

What's that statistic? Half of all teens have sex by the time they graduate high school? It's pretty easy to tell whether or not your teen falls into that category.

For All Teens...

Alcohol

Pretty much anything works here. I will say that I know somebody who bought her 19-year-old sister and her friends booze recently, and they requested CÎROC® Peach flavored vodka. (?)

Illustration by Tara Jacoby