Piss-poor principal pursues private hire profession



Ferrari F1 boss Maurizio Arrivabene has decided to be fired from the team this week in order to spend more time sitting in the back office of a provincial minicab company endlessly smoking, texting and making angry phone calls to unspecified people.

“With his scrubby beard, slicked back hair and multiple tattoos Arrivabene is the perfect person to be visible through the little glass window into a minicab back office in a medium sized British town,” noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. “His gruff tone and hard-to-place European accent make him a natural for the job of shouting furiously into his mobile about matters that aren’t entirely clear but seem to involve someone who has let him down, as well as occasionally sighing and shuffling a massive load of paper invoices because they don’t seem to have a computer of any kind and grunting intimidatingly at the more junior person who stands at the window itself.”

Sources say that, with his immediate departure from Ferrari, Arrivabene has already taken up his new position in the insanely cluttered back office of the minicab company and has set about making it smell overpoweringly of cigarettes even though there are several no smoking signs, both professionally printed and hand written.

“I think Arrivabene will be great for our extremely average town that doesn’t really have Uber yet,” said local resident Dig Frisbee. “He’ll do a great job, although he seems to have an extremely expensive watch and we can’t work out if it’s a fake or a real one and obviously we can’t ask him because he’s terrifying and he never comes up to the window into the customer area, thank God, although I heard he did once and was really, really aggressive for no reason. But we reckon he might have other business interests outside the minicab company, which we presume he owns although we’re not sure because that other guy used to appear to be in charge and we’re not sure if that was his brother or not. Anyway, I don’t know what those other businesses could be, although my mate Ian once saw him come into The Farmer’s Arms, have a brief conversation with that weird dark-haired guy in the thin leather jacket who sometimes works there, hand him something and then walk out but I’m sure that was all totally above board.”