Hi! I’m a famous lefty man and I have a really good job in politics/comedy/science/the media (delete where applicable). You’ve probably all heard of me, and no doubt you’ll be familiar with my opinions on UKIP/football/climate change/Palestine (delete where applicable) and more or less anything else in the public domain. Except that is, for transgender issues, and this is where it gets complicated because there is literally too much to know before I can give you my opinion, and I literally don’t have time to find out all these things I need to know because I’m too busy doing science/ making television programmes/ writing books/ being a media personality (delete where applicable) to do any research.

So I’ve decided to put out a statement which I hope will keep everyone happy, because I have friends who are feminists and friends who are trans allies and I literally do not want to lose any friends.

My position is this: there is an argument and there are two sides to an argument and I can see both sides and I just want everyone to be happy. On the one side there is ‘women’s rights’. I believe this includes the right to be protected from male violence, to have equal representation in a democratic society, to have equal opportunities in sport and in traditionally male-dominated spheres and to have the right to assemble to discuss these rights. On the other hand, and in direct and equal opposition to these ‘women’s rights’, we have the right of men to be recognised in law as the opposite sex. You can see the problem I have. How can we possibly reconcile this conflict of rights and keep everyone happy?

I have been told there is such a thing as the rights of the child too, and that there is yet another disagreement about the best way to uphold these rights, but do you mind if I don’t go there? It’s complicated (like the other argument is) but it also gets very emotional. I don’t want that.

So, here’s my conclusion, and I hope this will satisfy everyone on both sides, because I know there is equal abuse and violence coming from both sides, and I want to avoid that at all costs. I certainly want to avoid losing my job, because it’s a good one and I like it, and I know people who have had a really tough time at work over something they’ve said which may be interpreted as transphobic. (Not for saying anything which may be interpreted as misogynistic though… hmmm, that’s interesting isn’t it?)

My conclusion is this: I want all the current laws to stay in place.

I want the laws which protect women from male violence and under-representation and lack of opportunity to stay exactly as they are. I believe they’re there for a reason, and I’ve heard of the #MeToo movement, and so I conclude that the reason hasn’t gone away. Also, as a lefty man, I have a vague memory of women being involved in the Labour movement and fighting for these laws. So they should definitely be upheld.

I want the laws which protect trans people from violence and discrimination to stay exactly as they are. Trans people should not be abused or sacked for being trans, so gender reassignment should stay as a protected characteristic in the Equality Act, and trans people should carry on being protected by hate crime laws. (Women aren’t protected by hate crime laws…that’s interesting isn’t it?)

And that’s literally it. I know I haven’t looked into all the complicated stats and differing opinions, or done an awful lot of research on this, and I certainly don’t want to come across as anything less than respectful towards those of you who have. But I stand by my position, which I hope is uncontroversial, that the law as it stands protects the rights of women and the rights of trans people, and therefore should stay exactly as it is. Thank you.

Barry! Can you put this out for me every time there’s a pile-on? Cheers mate!