BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue. “From what we’ve been able to determine, the individual at the controls had been at it for more than nine hours without a break, and tragically, he attempted to take a sharp turn at speeds of up to three miles per hour,” said lead investigator Kellen Montgomery, adding that even with the conductor’s decades of experience, his cumulative exhaustion after several long days in a row of driving trains had put immense strain on his hand-eye coordination. “By the time he noticed his mistake and tried to brake by grabbing the caboose, it was already too late. We’re lucky this didn’t happen as the train passed by the saloon or general store in the town square, or else we would be dealing with an even worse disaster right now.” Montgomery confirmed that the crash was the rail line’s worst disaster since the same conductor plowed through a barrier and took out an entire marching band in 2011, an incident in which alcohol was suspected to have played a role.

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