8:34pm: I didn’t get to sleep at all again last night, and sleeps always been something I haven’t really struggled with. It’s Sunday night, since Thursday I’ve had about 10 hours sleep in total. I’ve got a feeling that my body clocks completely changed, since I’m use to doing about up to 10 shots a day down to a few. Loading a fit would be the first thing I’d do when I would get out of bed, and now I’m trying to push it back till the afternoon. It’s almost as if my body wants to start its waking day upon its first shot.

I have heroin ‘friends’, as in people who I would go ‘get on’ with that used and shoot with, and friends, the people who have either supported me in the past when I’ve fucked up, and the people around at the moment who I’ve been sourcing a lot of my positivity from. I did my first shot at 3am today. I did the shot while a friend watched, and then we spoke for many hours over the course of the night about how exciting it is that I am stopping, and about how exciting life will be away from the needle. Despite constantly attempting, and failing to sleep, it wasn’t all bad given that I was being injected constantly with positivity created by conversation bouncing back between Liam and I.

Just to paint a picture of my living situation, I’m back at the house I grew up in with my mother and brother. There’s never any alone time here though, friends are constantly coming and going, the garage is full of couches and the living room mattresses all over the carpet. Today for example, at all times there were at least 6 people in the house, smoking weed, cigarettes, talking and watching movies.

At about midday I found out some heartbreaking news about someone close to me, and it set me back the furthest I’ve gone yet. Feeling your heart drop when you are under-slept and under-doped is something I have felt before, and despite the effort I put in previous days to prepare myself for the complete quit on the 16th, I left it all behind and did not hold back with the needle. I didn’t have a sober minute from 12 on. I can’t help but look back on myself today with disappointment. I could have spent some time to think about the situation and about how I could fix it upon hearing the news instead of running straight to the bathroom and cutting off a dose from the rock. I know this kind of behaviour isn’t going to work after the detox, I can no longer turn to substances when things get tough.

Despite fucking up today, I had time to examine every little way I fucked up, and consider the avenues I’ll take next time. When I got upset today I sat down on a chair and said to a friend with tears in my eyes ‘When the fuck are things going to start looking up?’ and he looked kind of dumbfounded and says ‘They are dude!’. Hearing him say that put things into perspective pretty well: as far as my personal journey goes, things couldn’t be better. I’ve tried quitting before, multiple times with suboxone, but I’ve never had such a positive mental attitude that makes me feel like I could break down any obstacle that quitting throws at me like this before.

I received a great email today from a reader in Iceland named Arnar that said:

‘No matter how hard the craving gets, never let go of that rational conclusion you’ve reached, that going back to using is a destructive move.’

It’s fantastic advice especially given todays circumstances that I think as obvious as it sounds is going to be the creed I live by and drill into my thought processes once I’m ‘clean’.

I have been overwhelmed with the response I have received since putting this blog up yesterday. I opened WordPress stats tonight expecting maybe 200 views if I was lucky, but instead saw over 3000 from all over the world. I checked my email straight after and have received a bunch of private emails as well, which I will reply to tomorrow morning if I get a chance :). Having my support network now reaching out as far as you folk feels brilliant, I am being showered in fantastic advice, and as another commenter said, it holds me more accountable for my actions, and ultimately my success in achieving this goal. Thanks to everyone that’s keeping track, rooting for me, commenting, emailing etc!