THIS IS NOT AMERICAN FOOTBALL.

This is association football, a far less gentlemanly sport, but an all-round superior one, mainly due to our lack of commercial breaks and dance sequences every thirteen seconds mid-game.

But this isn’t about the comparison of games that include the use of spherical orbs and feets (not that American Football would qualify), no, this is about selecting a football team from some of the most elite athletes in the world; WWE superstars.

With Vince pumping money into the XFL, and Paul Heyman looking mildly like Rafael Benitez, I got thinking about what kinda team the WWE would field if they were to take on say… Manchester City. And here were my results.

So with Elias leading the chants from the crowd, Bo Dallas giving the inspirational team-talks, let’s see which team Ariya Daivari can bankroll for us.

And yes, Coach, our chant can be ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’.

‘I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news! … We’re playing with 18 men on the pitch and you’re still benched.’

We’ll start off with the obvious; of course Vince McMahon is the Chairman, and he’s got an itchy trigger finger… Bad record of keeping hold of managers thus far… Known for controversial appointments, and likes to hire from within.

The owner, as I mentioned, is Ariya Daivari. We’re playing Manchester City! We need to match their billions, so we might as well match where they get it from as well…

And the stadium, standing in Stamford, Connecticut, USA, is called the Ultimate Warri- Nope. Fabulous Moo- Nope. … The WWE Association Football Stadium. And they compete for trophies that look like various reproductive organs, and another that looks like the tall dude from The Princess Bride.

THE TEAM

GOALKEEPER — DEAN AMBROSE

‘In the end, you need to be a little masochistic to be a goalkeeper. A masochist and egocentric as well.’ — Gianluigi Buffon

If this is true, then Dean Ambrose is one of the best goalkeepers in the fucking world.

Always a bit of an outsider, the goalkeeper is often the ever-present of a side, not getting as much credit as the guys up top bagging all the glory, but when he is relied upon, he needs to be counted on to deliver, and Deany-baby does just that. Only injury will keep this man away. And an odd honeymoon.

Pair Buffon’s quote with Oliver Kahn’s, and Ambrose is overqualified in McMahon’s eyes:

‘Goalkeepers need an element of insanity.’ — Oliver Kahn

Dean’s in. Of course, he won’t wear gloves, he’ll just tape his fists.

Awww… Renee, he’s a ‘keeper.

DEFENDERS

RIGHT WING-BACK — NEVILLE

An oft-forgotten position *ahem*, often underappreciated *ahem*, and not given their due *ahem*. Oh, excuse me…

Neville needs to be in this team like he needs to be in any team, because he excels in everything he does. Everything he touches turns to goal. Plus, having someone called Neville scoring against Manchester City would be hilarious.

Also, having someone who gravity forgot going up for corners can only be a good thing.

Imagine those bicycle kicks…

RIGHT CENTRE-BACK — PEYTON ROYCE

This will become more obvious when I reveal the left centre-back, but every manager loves a good defensive partnership; and with a penchant for getting into opponents’ heads, this one could be Iconic. However, they will be anchored by the fellow stood between them…

CENTRE-BACK — BROCK LESNAR

On his day, the best at defending in the league. The issue is, ‘his day’ only crops up about six times a season. A risky pick that may only play in a handful of games, but in those games, expect a clean sheet and some not-so-clean pants belonging to opposition strikers.

(Another problem; if Heyman leaves as manager, Lesnar’ll probably fuck off the play rugby unless Ariya keeps the dolla rolling in)

I dare you to nutmeg him, I dare you.

LEFT CENTRE-BACK — BILLIE KAY

The other half of an iconic partnership in defence is Billie GOAT herself. Her and Royce will distract, dismay, dive, and do their dastardly doings to throw the opposition off their game. Though they are both a tad unproven, I’m sure a certain beast in-between them will halt any tomfoolery.

What an image… Beauties and the Beast. COMING SOON.

LEFT WING-BACK — BARON CORBIN

A fantastic player to have running up from the back. He’ll run up with you to attack, but just as it looks like he’s too far up, he’ll drop right back to where he started. Every time.

That’s his game, he’s great at falling back. At dropping off.

He’s just a brilliant at receding.

MIDFIELDERS

CENTRE-MIDFIELDER — JOHN CENA (Captain)

The captain! Always the man for the big occasion, this is the dude who holds down the fort in the middle of the park and has done for years. Think of him as the Steven Gerrard of the team, only he’s won the big one. Much like Gerrard though, he does sometimes slip away… Never any doubt over his place in the team though, even the manager gets overruled in that regard.

LEFT-MIDFIELDER — FANDANGO

Y’ever heard a commentator say ‘There he goes, dancing up the wing.’ Well, that’s pretty much all the justification I needed to put ‘Dango in this squad. His chant is made for a football crowd as well. He has a mercurial left-foot from years of dance-training, and is just as adept on his right. At his feet, there is always enough ‘ball-room’ to whip in a pearler.

RIGHT-MIDFIELDER — SETH ROLLINS

This is the guy who crafts everything. He sees everything going on around the pitch and he builds play accordingly. Seth Rollins is the architect of this team. Very much like the Özil of the team. Though, that being said, again, like Özil, he also has the tendency to burn things down; whether that be relations with teammates or the trust of the fans…

FORWARDS

STRIKER — THE UNDERTAKER

The. Best. Pure. Striker. In. History.

STRIKER — CARMELLA

Anyone who thought I was gonna use Matt Striker here can take a walk… He’s obviously a tactician.

Carmella is the future of this team; the youngster who has come in as a risk, but they want to give her exposure, give her some game-time because she’s got great style. Ever the opportunist, any chance The Undertaker doesn’t (under)take, she will be happy to pounce and clean up with the opposition at their weakest.

SUBSTITUTES

GOALKEEPER — COLIN CASSADY

Tall guy always goes in net. Sometimes it’s hard to coach goalkeeping, well try to coach someone on how to be seven foot tall… I’ve heard it can’t be done.

RIGHT WING-BACK — BRAUN STROWMAN

Big, agile, fast. Like a stretched out Neville. Fouls folk quite often though… Various attempts on his life limit his game time.

CENTRE-BACK — SHEAMUS

Often brought on towards the end of games as a time-wasting option; anytime he clears the ball with his bonce, he pops it, leading to a ball replacement. Well played…

UTILITY PLAYER — RUSEV

Can literally be effective when utilised in any position but is rarely brought off the bench as management don’t need him for literally any of them. Troublesome history with WAG’s, and often hungover due to the previous day’s holiday celebrations.

CENTRE-MIDFIELDER — CHRIS JERICHO

A veteran with a great mind for the game; he has a wealth of experience and wisdom to impart, as well as studies from recent loan-moves overseas.

STRIKER — DANIEL BRYAN

The crowd loves him, and at times, they will not let you leave him out of the squad, with them often more interested in his warm-up than the match. Whether on the pitch, on the bench, or at home, whichever team holds his contract have the best chants.

STRIKER — HIDEO ITAMI

A fierce striker, not many want to come up against him, but luckily for them, not many have to due to his numerous long injury lay-offs.

SUSPENDED

LEFT-MIDFIELDER — GOLDUST

Very experienced player, and shows no signs of slowing up in his relatively advanced years. With a very unique style of play and theatricality about him, he is constantly getting retrospectively banned for fantastically performed simulation.

MANAGER

PAUL HEYMAN

Who else? When he took little ECW Athletic from the doldrums of non-league to the brink of Premiership glory, it was a Cinderella story. The half-time team talk would be epic. Plus, you need someone to keep Brock Lesnar in order when he plays. Though when Lesnar does play, Paul E. might favour Brock over other players, which is why Cesaro declined to join this team.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, my name is…’ Wait…

There it is. The squad that will lead WWE F.C. to premiership glory. I predict the final score to be… 24–2, with The Undertaker scoring all the goals. It’ll be 21–0 until Lesnar scores an own-goal (due to lackluster chemistry with his GK, Ambrose), making it 21–1 and thus breaking the streak of the deadman.

During the match, a scuffle breaks out between Cena and ‘Taker over who scored a goal, and Vince McMahon himself storms out onto the pitch (which is obviously surrounded by ring ropes), and immediately tears both his quads while arguing with the refs.

Vince also gets involved when Heyman tries to make substitutions, coming down and telling him not to bring on Itami, but instead to put on Roman Reigns. When Paul E. informs Vince that Roman does not play for WWE F.C., he blows up his limo.

Baron Corbin has issues communicating with the rest of his defensive teammates as he can’t speak fast enough.

Neville does nothing wrong.

Itami gets restless on the bench and starts kicking the shit out of a fan while asking her to respect him. He then saunters back to his seat looking depressed.

Goldust kicks himself in the nuts while sat at home watching the game.

Chris Jericho livestreams his podcast from the bench; an interview with Rusev. He plugs DDP Yoga and banana bread 98 times.

Billie Kay dares Peyton Royce to do an impression of Paul Heyman, Brock laughs. Billie dares Peyton to do an impression of Lesnar, Brock murders Peyton.

Sheamus turns round on the bench to catch Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella having sex. He screams ‘FELLA’ and then goes for a bath.

The Undertaker scores 27 goals and then goes to sit down for large periods of time at a time despite not being substituted off. Carmella moonwalks to the concession stand.

With no strikers on the pitch, Fandango grinds on the advertising board. The fans applaud.

Colin Cassady follows Carmella to the concession stand.

Braun Strowman starts singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ to no-one in particular.

Neville kills himself.

Cesaro flies a plane over the stadium with a banner reading ‘HEYMAN OUT’ written across it.

Baron Corbin punches a fan who called him a ‘hot-dog hillbilly with a tiny willy’.

Seth Rollins attempts to dive when feeling contact from Benjamin Mendy, but accidentally flies into the crowd and takes out fifteen fans in attendance.

Fandango provides an assist by thrusting the ball in the general direction of The Undertaker.

Daniel Bryan climaxes.

Brie does not.

Goldust climaxes.

John Cena gives the ‘You Can’t See Me’ taunt to Kevin De Bruyne, who immediately loses track of where he is and falls to the ground.

Rusev receives a call from Lana about their dog ‘Bucko’.

Vince McMahon discovers pesto.

Carmella and Colin Cassady announce their engagement to everyone in the stadium and via Tout to the whole world.

In the confusion, a blind Kevin De Bruyne manages to scramble the ball home for a goal.

Realising that two of his active players have died and one is celebrating their engagement, Heyman replaces Peyton with Strowman, Carmella with D-Bry, and Neville with nobody, because gravity forgot him and his dead body floated away. It turns out it was Neville’s pure, unbridled bitterness that was keeping him grounded this whole time.

Strowman drops his microphone after singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ 27 times, and runs onto the pitch, running clean off the other side and through the stand as he heard an ambulance and wants to chase it.

Daniel Bryan has forgotten to put shorts on.

Pep Guardiola tells Vincent Kompany to calm down.

Dean Ambrose hasn’t been in net this whole time, he was eating brunch in Tallahassee with Renee. He realises he has to be somewhere and saunters away in the wrong direction.

Hideo Itami is angry and confused.

43 minutes of injury time are shown.

Rusev falls asleep on Chris Jericho’s lap while the latter drinks an Appletini and watches Conan.

Seth Rollins grabs the corner flag and holds it above his head while looking into the crowd. Four people cheer.

Dean Ambrose wanders into the everglades. He fucks a crocodile into submission and names it Gonzo.

Luke Harper officiates the wedding between Carmella and Colin Cassady. His bible is made of polystyrene.

Brock Lesnar jumps up onto the crossbar and scares a little boy.

John Cena grants a wish to a grandmother in the crowd, Fandango spits in her mouth.

Daniel Bryan is shown a yellow card for stimulation.

Ederson misses a penalty.

Jamie Carragher says Fandango is the future of the game.

Billie Kay runs up to the director’s box and proposes to Vince McMahon who fires her on the spot before passionately kissing her.

Sheamus is clean.

Baron Corbin is asleep on the stadium roof.

The Undertaker listens to ‘The Very Best Of Merle Haggard’ as he falls asleep with a warm glass of Vimto.

The full-time whistle goes. Final score: WWE F.C. 24–2 Manchester City.

The winning formula.

-

ONE YEAR LATER

Dean Ambrose has married Gonzo and the two live happily in rural Saskatoon.

Neville’s carcass is orbiting Mercury.

Peyton Royce’s remains were smushed into the ground of The WWE Association Football Stadium, now renamed The Peyton Royce Memorial Ground.

Brock Lesnar plays rugby.

Billie Kay married Vince McMahon before killing him off for his fortune. She was never found guilty and got away with it, firing all of Vince’s employees and taking sole ownership of WWE F.C. She sold it for scrap and bought The Notebook on VHS along with a thirty-acre piece of farmland where she lives alone. She is still schmick.

Baron Corbin is still asleep on top of the stadium. A starling stole his hair to use as a nest.

John Cena is a five-time Academy Award-winning actor.

Fandango starts fires in Newcastle pubs.

Seth Rollins made himself into a statue after an unsuccessful run as an Elvis tribute act in Rhodes.

The Undertaker now works as a florist in Manhattan. He has five dogs, and two cats, all named after the victims of his streak. He keeps Pep Guardiola’s ashes on his mantle. That was his turtle.

Carmella and Colin Cassady were married and live happily together for three months before divorcing. They would be married again two years later, before divorcing once again after three months. Reportedly, Carmella was frustrated that Colin couldn’t teach her how to grow like him. Colin was just as frustrated that they had to live on Staten Island.

Braun Strowman, Chris Jericho, Hideo Itami and Sheamus all died when Itami drove a mini-bus off a cliff as they were preparing for a lad’s holiday to see Wade Barrett in Zante.

Rusev makes chocolate for dogs.

Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella founded a school for vegans just outside Quito. They were in financial ruin within moments.

Paul Heyman climbed Everest.

Goldust climaxed.

Keep it streets ahead,

CLR