BALTIMORE—Calling the report a “revolutionary breakthrough” in the field of obstetrics, a new study published Monday by the Johns Hopkins School Of Medicine found that most premature births occurred when a fetus smelled something delicious outside. “After analyzing countless patients and the environmental factors surrounding them, we found that roughly 75% of preterm labors were initiated by a delicious, sumptuous aroma wafting up the birth canal and into the uterus,” said Dr. Hillary White, M.D., adding that pregnant women after the six-month mark should be particularly careful around smells including long, pillowy trails of steam from a freshly baked pie or the fragrant vapors from a batch of cookies being taken straight out of the oven. “In the majority of cases, once the fetus gets a whiff of a delicious pot roast or a freshly stirred stew, it will instinctively perk its nose up and begin to float along the path of the scent, dragging the umbilical cord and placenta with it. Sadly, after that, 100% of newborns end up exiting the womb, only to end up devastated when they are not allowed to eat solid foods for six more months.” At press time, researchers had published an addendum to the study, which found that the average time in labor could be reduced to just 30 minutes if mothers opted to give birth next to a freshly roasted turkey.

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