Getting your ass penetrated should be a prerequisite for life because it’s an experience that teaches humility and encourages teamwork. After the deed, you see your fellow man in a whole new empathetic light, the kind of light that’s humanizing, curbs any further judgements and could possibly end wars. It’s like, “You just let me put my penis in your ass and move it in and out for an hour. God bless you, you wonderful angel. Take this ‘get out of jail free’ card. You’ve earned it!”

The only people who aren’t getting fucked in the ass are straight men. Lesbians use dildos, straight girls get drunk and acquiesce to their boyfriend’s requests, and gay guys, well, we sort of invented anal sex. If Jersey Shore has “Gym, Tan, Laundry”, gay men have “Gym, Tan, Anal.” As I’ve discussed before, the male equivalent of a G-spot rests in our prostate so the incentive to get someone’s dick in our ass ASAPular is that much greater.

But here’s some real talk for you. Anal sex is kind of the biggest deal ever. When my friends tell me stories about doing it with some random they met at a bar, I’m completely stunned. The act is so intense and delicate that I could never give my asshole to just anybody. Entrance is only granted to V.I.P.’s—Very Important Penises. But this is something the gay community doesn’t always see ass-to-ass on. Some only have anal sex in monogamous relationships and consider oral sex to be intercourse. With others, however, it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Anal is like the oxygen they need to breathe.

I’m going to try to put the feeling of anal sex into words so you can get an idea of how crazysexyintense it is. First of all, anal sex cannot be an on-the-fly decision. If I’m getting fucked in the ass, I need to know way in advance so I can prepare properly. The guy needs to send me a private Facebok event invitation titled, “Ryan O’Connell gets fucked in the ass.” with a set date and time. I can then have the luxury of choosing “Attending”, “Maybe Attending” or “Not Attending.” If I choose to attend, I need to start doing some serious yoga to Sade or Enya. When that’s done, I’l give a pep talk to my asshole and be like, “Hey babe! I know you’ve been in retirement or whatever, but you need to get ready because something’s coming to an orifice near you. Don’t hate me! You’ll like it. And don’t try any funny business tonight. I’ll be mortified if you-know-what happens!” After chilling your asshole out, you kind of need to go in the shower and fuck yourself with your finger. You don’t want it to be too tight because then it runs the risk of being very painful. While loosening things up, take this opportunity to clean things up. You don’t want to go into the experience feeling insecure about the state of your ass so be thorough in your examination.

Fast forward to the main event. It’s imperative that the guy who’s going to be penetrating me is trustworthy and gentle, and not an asshole. Assholes don’t mix with my asshole. I’m going to be getting in sexual positions where my body will look fleshy and revolting. It will seem like I’ve magically gained 20 pounds somewhere for no real reason so this guy needs to be understanding of everything. Hopefully his dong won’t be too huge either because that can become difficult to manage.

When he goes in, it’s going to feel strange at first. Actually, anal sex always feel strange. It’s hard to explain but the whole thing just feels wrong. I don’t mean that in a moralistic or bad way. I mean, it just literally feels unnatural because you’re using an exit as an entrance. Funnily enough though, that’s how you derive a lot of enjoyment from it. The unnatural feeling enhances the pleasure. You know how when you watch people getting fucked in gay porn, there’s all this moaning, and you’re just like, “yeah, right. they’re acting”? I can’t be for sure obviously but I don’t think they are. When a penis enters your ass, a moan involuntarily escapes your lips. Just try not to be loud. I dare you. You have little control over it, which makes the experience even hotter.

When he starts to really fuck you, it gets very overwhelming. You’re making noises you didn’t even know existed and the whole thing is just blowing your mind. All of these sensations are just making you feel so vulnerable, and you’re staring at the dude (well depending on the position) and you usually feel some warm and fuzzies towards them. You also might think the way they’re fucking you is incredibly hot and primal and oh my god you’ve never wanted them so badly before! You want them to fuck you so hard and jesus christ, where is all of this coming from?! You just want to get fucked, you know?! Fuck me!

You’re writhing and shaking and everything that’s happening feels so dirty and hideous kinky. You feel like this is what you were built to do—get fucked. It just feels so right and back to basics. You might never feel more like an animal than you do in these moments of getting fucked in the ass. There are no more nuances to humans, no more complexities. It has just boiled down to wanting to get fucked.

It’s impossible for me not to feel close to someone when all of this happening. There’s a bond that develops that makes it impossible for it to happen with men who don’t mean a thing to me. Anal sex is a special thing. I’m unwilling to perceive it as casual. I feel like putting someone’s P in a V is more manageable and impersonal, but what do I know? I just know that it feels crazy to get fucked in the ass. It hurts, it feels good, it feels wrong, it feels right. It’s a dick going deep into your ass. It’s a connection. I recommend it to all.