The Roly-poly Olympics! The torch was an ice-cream cone, the medals doughnuts and the contestants, well, a little on the plump side - but they WERE game for a laugh

Big success: Charlotte Cooper helped run the Fattylympics

With only 18 days to go until the Olympic opening ceremony, another sporting occasion is about to kick off, only a discus throw away from the Olympic Park.

Athletes from far and — especially — wide have gathered in Memorial Park, East London, on an overcast Saturday afternoon for a very special pre-Olympic event.

The competitors are wearing bright orange headbands, lurid-coloured leotards, Spandex and legwarmers in preparation for the day’s sporting challenges.

But the only thing warming up is an apple, plum and nectarine crumble in the venue’s canteen.

Likewise, the only drug-testing needed is to monitor the competitors’ cholesterol levels.



And I have a feeling that the closest anyone will get to gold today will be ripping open the wrapping on a Twix bar.

Because this is the first Fatty- lympics, which has been organised in protest at the supposed ‘sizeism’ inherent in the Official Games nearby.

The day’s events include chubrobics (that’s aerobics for the super-sized), ribbon twirling, rolling downhill — and tucking in at the event’s well-stocked canteen, of course.

At 1pm, like any serious athletes, our Fattylympic contestants are taking their preparation seriously by loading up on carbs: falafel wraps, red onion tart, key lime pie, bean chilli and hot dogs.

‘Come on everyone, chubrobics begins in ten minutes,’ yells Charlotte Cooper, an activist who organised the event. ‘Or you can join in later if you’re eating now.’

Her generous curves poured into a turquoise leotard and leopard-print leggings, she leads the way as 30 participants shuffle from side to side, waving their arms as if trying to hail a taxi.

I’ve witnessed centenarians doing more vigorous workouts, but it seems to get the crowd in the mood for fun, and that, it seems, is what the day is really about.

For while Charlotte and fellow organiser Kay Hyatt insist that participants are genuinely angry about the ‘bullying and anti-obesity rhetoric’ surrounding the Olympics, everyone appears to be having rather a nice time.

Competitors at the 'Fattylympics' at Memorial Park in West Ham, London show off their skills in front of the cameras

The crowd is made up of men and women of all ages, and while several of them must tip the scales at more than 18st there are also a few slim people who have inveigled their way in — possibly to get a dollop of that crumble.

‘For those of you who are less upholstered, you’ll probably find that you don’t get as much jiggle just here,’ yells Charlotte, pointing to her sizeable bingo wings, which seem to be waving in the breeze. ‘But don’t worry, that will come with age!’

To motivate the participants further, stickers featuring the face of the slimming evangelist who presents Channel 4’s Supersize vs Superskinny, Dr Christian Jessen, are handed out with instructions to place them on their thighs.

Decorated: The medals in the shape of doughnuts and colourful objects arrive carried on a stick by organisers

‘Stick these on and slap away —because he needs a good slap,’ shouts Charlotte.



It seems a little bit cruel, especially considering that Dr Jessen himself has admitted to having body image problems in the past, but it seems to get the crowd moving a little bit faster.

The opening ceremony of the Fattylympics begins — but it’s safe to say that film director Danny Boyle, who is masterminding the other Olympics opening ceremony, shouldn’t lose any sleep over it.

The assembled crowd is asked to walk a short distance to the West Ham Park Memorial Sculpture. Here, there are 11 steel posts.



Attached to each is a hammer and we’re encouraged to clang the steel posts loudly before bursting into the Fattylympic Anthem.

These torches don't quite have the same temperature as their Olympic namesakes - the torches at the 'Fattylympics' in the shape of ice-cream cones

‘When you’re looking in the mirror, and you don’t like what you see, try to dream of social justice, try to dream of being free.’

While it’s never going to win a music award, the athletes do at least know the words, and — to prove it — they sing it twice.

The Olympic Games wouldn’t be the same without the torch, and the Fattylympics is no different.

Melting torch: Organiser Charlotte holds up the ice cream cone torch

After a short wait, a chunky figure dressed in a red T-shirt bearing the Fattylympics slogan emerges from a nearby building holding aloft what, fittingly enough, appears to be a giant ice cream cone.

Carrying it is actor Erkan Mustafa, better known as the bespectacled chubby schoolboy Roland in BBC’s Grange Hill in the Eighties; admittedly, the celebrities here aren’t quite on a par with Usain Bolt.

‘I am supporting the Fattylympics because as a fat person I feel that this is the only Olympics that wants me,’ says Erkan.

‘We know that sports people spend years in training to be the best at what they do. It has taken me years to be this fat and I want to celebrate it with like minded people.’

His arrival prompts a rousing cheer from the crowd. ‘Let’s take it for a walk around the park!’ someone yells and off they trot with the torch.

‘How far are we going to walk?’ asks Erkan after five paces, and the group decides that, actually, they’d rather stay put.



At least Erkan has conserved his energy for the first Fattylympics event — Rolling With Roland. This involves climbing to the top of a gentle grassy slope — a hill might be a touch ambitious — and rolling down. (‘We’ll clear the ground of poo and litter beforehand,’ the programme reassures participants.)

Without further ado, a dozen athletes clamber to the top, lie on their sides and roll down. It causes screams of hilarity, and one lady is thrilled she got ‘rolled on by Roland’. The winner? There is none.

‘The Fattylympics embraces a philosophy of non-competiveness,’ say the organisers. ‘Everybody who comes to the event will win something.



There won’t be any losers because, frankly, pretty much every one of us already feels like a loser in the face of the You Know What [meaning the Olympics].’

After the inevitable break for food, the second event, Twirling, takes place — which consists of competitors standing around with batons and ribbons and twirling them for 20 minutes. And, er, that’s it.

Rolling with Roland: One of the events involved rolling down a grassy hill - and in the true spirit of the non-competitive 'Fattylympics' everyone is a winner

It’s much the same with the Spin-Off event. Organisers hand out brightly coloured coned hats to competitors and each one must spin to the beat of a drum until it gets faster and faster and ... I don’t know?



One of them falls over? There doesn’t appear to be a conclusion to this competition.

I can’t watch the final event because it makes me nauseous.

Called Spitting On A Chart Of The Body Mass Index, it allows competitors to vent their hate towards that chart of height and weight that reveals if you’re medically overweight.

‘I really hate the BMI chart because it oppresses us,’ says Charlotte.

By the time the 4pm closing ceremony rolls — sorry! — around, I’m not sure I can take any more excitement.

And with that, the flame burns out and the Fattylympics 2012 breathlessly heaves to a close.