Every ‘Shooting Star’ must, eventually, fall — and what the American Economy experienced after the world’s most publicly scrutinized bailout happened to be no different. Four trifling years later, the American Economy sits down with Shruti Sehgal in a tiny, dim bar on the Lower East Side and opens up about everything: rehab, breaking up with the banks, the late night cocktails of sleeping pills, and even offers a few scrappy words of advice for the next American President.

I can tell that the American Economy is not happy to see me. Hair unwashed, wearing a star-spangled Occupy Wall Street T-shirt, slurping a cheap Scotch on the rocks, conspicuously. The American Economy is looking Dickensian – too Dickensian – even for the bar we are in, which is the kind of place where faded, glitterless rockstars stopped hanging out because the Jukebox is never drunk enough to take home and the girls do not accept pennies.

We are here, no less, to make light of an eerily dark situation:

SS: Four years ago, our government bailed out America’s biggest financial institutions with $133 billion of your money. You weren’t exactly at the height of your professional career, but you were still managing. Then Wall Street totally crashed and the whole world was watching you, kind of hoping you’d screw up. You were being sweettalked at home while people overseas were backstabbing you. Without ripping the bandaid right off, what was that period in your life like?

AE: Like a nightmare, only I couldn’t wake up. It’s surreal, the way everyone builds you up only to give you utter bullshit when you fall. Not to mention, there was no actual strategy for my recovery and taxpayers were freaking out. Suffice to say, I hit rock-bottom.

I remember at one point during that summer I checked into Cirque Lounge in Utah for overexhaustion. Next thing you know, I’m a fucking coke addict and the bailout is all my fault. I mean, listen, if I could shave my head off in a single, ‘Eureka’ moment of self-understanding like Britney Spears did, I would. But my relationship with the Too Big To Fail Banks, it’s just not that easy.

SS: How would you describe your relationship with the banks today? Or with Britney Spears, for that matter?

AE: With the banks, it’s on the rocks. If my publicist gives me the greenlight, I will break up with them before the end of the year. I’ve tried to make it work, but the truth is I am sick of making the entire financial sector a priority in my life when I am only an option in theirs. It’s not worth it to me anymore. I cannot wait around for a real apology and expect the rest of the country to cut me slack and stand outside of the pool while I make up shitty excuses for why I’m holding my breath.

As for Britney Spears. We don’t run in the same circles, but I deeply respect her work. I bumped into her at Bar Marmont in L.A. three years ago and we commiserated over vodka-redbulls. She told me that ‘ Life is an asshole and then you give him the entire settlement he asks for, but somehow he still gets full custody of the kids.’ I don’t plan on tying the knot until gay marriage becomes legal, so cheers to Anderson Cooper. But I put up with enough during the bailout to understand Britney. I get her sentiment.

SS: I think America is going to be relieved to hear you are severing your relationship with the banks. According to the latest pollsters, Americans on average worry more about you than anything else.

AE: Yeah, I’ve heard that. I hope Americans know I worry about them, too. You know, all I ever wanted was to create more jobs and build more dream homes for people. That I could have just stood by, doing nothing, while corporations were granted enough market freedom to forgo the common good for this country stirs in me more self-loathing than I can adequately express.

If my memory serves me correctly…I had to take a ridiculous amount of Xanax and Ambien for months just to go to bed. Of course, I am healthy now and I do not participate in any sort of activity that could be construed in any way as harmful behavior.

(Looking into the bottom of the glass.)

For the record, I want Americans to know I haven’t spoken to Fannie and Freddie after fully understanding what they did. I was a naive judge of their character. I did not consider the consequences. I should have. I thought, if I just did my part, I could decide how they felt about me. I think it was David Foster Wallace who called what I was thinking at the time an “American Illness.”

SS: Are you a big fan of David Foster Wallace?

AE: I wouldn’t say I’m a big fan of anyone. But yeah, I guess I like David Foster Wallace. I read Consider the Lobster at the foodcourt in JFK once. The lady at Hudson News recommended it.

SS: Who are your favorite writers?

AE: I don’t read much. Anything by Matt Taibbi I can get my hands on. Adam Smith, obviously. Comic books. I love Superman. Noam Chomsky. I hated Naked Economics.

SS: Why’s that?

AE: If the core principles were that simple, I wouldn’t have screwed up.

SS: I see.

AE: I’m serious. You know what I think is missing from that book, besides a competent title? In fact, what is missing from this whole equation?

SS: What?

AE: Underneath this enormous balloon of capitalistic competition, where the deficit is bigger than any tit-job walking down Sunset Strip and the only thing college kids can look forward to after they graduate is unemployment benefits…is the one fact nobody can deny, and yet everyone always fucking forgets it.

SS: Which is?

AE: That I’m human. Me and every other goddamn national economy out there. Sure, on the surface level, we’re some fancy exchange of goods and services, but deep down inside, we’re just a bunch of morally-conflicted children of the earth with bad fathers and bleeding hearts. Like, no wonder I got fucked. Ever read that book with the limegreen apple on the front cover? Freakonomics?

SS: Yes, actually.

AE: Well, I’m that freak they’re talking about.

SS: Let’s talk about the upcoming Presidential election for a minute. Who are you voting for? What are your general thoughts?

AE: I’m nonpartisan.

SS: No you’re not.

AE: Fuck no, I’m not.

SS: So?

AE: So, I can’t tell you much for legal reasons and because the papparazo at the pooltable over there thinks he’s more icognito than James fucking Bond. But, I will tell you this: we have $1.2 trillion of deficit reduction to figure out before defense spending gets sliced in half, otherwise known as ‘sequestration.’ If Obama’s for the win then he needs to realize this is no simple math. As for Romney, if he even thinks about making massive cuts to social welfare programs, I will personally snap off his cock.

(pause)

There, I said it.

SS: You did.

AE: And that paparazzo totally heard it.

SS: He did.

(Standing up)



AE: Fuck. I think I just pulled a Megan Fox.