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(Flickr.com, Morgan)

Greetings students! The lazy days of summer are winding down, and many of you are bursting in eager anticipation of a new school year.

No? Aw, c'mon now, chin up.

Back-to-school means school supply shopping trips with mom and dad—new folders, a new backpack and maybe even a fancy new protractor. Lucky you!

Back to school:

Back to school:

To give you a jump on getting ready, we've compiled the ultimate school supply shopping list.

You'll get on that yellow bus bright-eyed, protractor in hand and ready to take on another year of reading, writing and 'rithmetic.

Pencils, pens and erasers



No. 2 pencils only, please. Don't bring those cheap, foil-wrapped novelty pencils, the ones you received as party prizes and Halloween treats. Those novelty pencils never hold a point and are best used for staking tomato plants.

Also, assume that at least one kid will ask to borrow your pen each day and not give it back. A gross of ink pens should do. Better make it two.

Crayons, markers and highlighters

Buy the big box of 64 crayons. You won't need all those crayons, but every child should spend some downtime pondering the difference between "blue-green" and "green-blue."

Buy the fruit-scented highlighters; study hall is more festive when it smells like a tropical sangria party.

Glue, tape and scissors

Glue sticks will work fine for most of your projects. But don't forget to purchase one bottle of rubber cement so you can make rubber cement boogies to fling at your friends.

Ruler and protractor

You'll spend one math unit learning about the metric system, so you'll need a ruler with centimeter markings. After that, you can completely forget metric unless you're planning to move to Provence or repair foreign cars.

I honestly can't remember the purpose of protractors. Boomerangs? Definitely handy to have in the cafeteria.

Single-subject notebooks

Most stores are holding back-to-school sales and, for a short time, notebooks are priced 20 cents or less. You'll only need four notebooks, but tell your dad you need 16. You know how your dad loves to feel like he's getting a bargain.

Three-ring binders

It is a mystery how in our almost-paperless society, students still fill endless three-ring binders with photocopied study packets.

Make sure to buy binders that snap shut like the jaws of a steel wolf trap. The adrenaline rush of almost losing a finger will keep you alert during those endless lectures on the three branches of government.

Colored pencils and pencil sharpener

The only time you will ever use colored pencils is during 9th grade social studies when you are asked to trace the route of the Angles and Saxons through England. Since this project is always 50% of your entire grade for the year, you don't want to be stuck without colored pencils. Just get in the habit of buying a new pack every year so you're prepared.



Do not buy an electric pencil sharpener. On the first day, some kid will stick a carrot in your electric pencil sharpener and another kid will be dared to sharpen his tongue. You'll just end up in the principal's office with a broken pencil sharpener.

Extra supplies for specific grades

Instead of rubber cement, kindergarten student should bring a quart of hand sanitizer and 20 boxes of facial tissues. In kindergarten, all the boogies are real.

For middle school, stock up on air fresheners. I know you kids are marinating in your own puberty and don't realize how bad your lockers smell, but think of your poor teachers.

For high school math and science, you will need an Illudium Q-36 scientific graphing astronomical calculator. To purchase the Illudium Q-36, go to your school's website and click on the link which will route you through an encrypted server in Romania to the NASA's eBay store. Here, you'll use your CIA-assigned password to purchase the Illudium Q-36 for the discounted price of $695.99.

Finally, don't forget a backpack!

You'll want a backpack that's trendy and comfortable to carry. But the ultimate test of a backpack is how many cinder blocks it can carry before the seams rip. One cinder block will approximate elementary school homework plus a lunch bag and 500 Pokemon trading cards . A two-cinder block backpack will get you through middle and high school.

If you're taking AP courses, forget the backpack and just rent a small burro.

Only a few more weeks, kids!

Now, don't look so sad.

Next, we'll teach you how to make book covers from grocery bags. Lucky you!



Email Josette at josetteplank@gmail.com Follow Josette on Facebook!