PHOTOGRAPH BY GREG CEO / GETTY

We're getting married! That means a lifetime of happiness, and also that we get a bunch of stuff. But, as we're modern adults who already live together in a house, we have most of the things we need. So, before buying us those white guest-room towels, please consult this list of things we actually want:

Baby Shit

We're in our thirties. This isn't a first-round, twenty-six-year-old-pup wedding. A baby is happening within twelve months, tops. When it does, we'll need strollers, a crib, clothes, extra clothes for if the baby pukes (does that happen often?), and maybe parenting books.

_Estimated cost: eighty to three hundred dollars

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A Trampoline Outside Our Bedroom Window That Bounces Us Into Our BRAND-NEW HOT TUB

A little more dynamic than a wok, huh? Apologies that this gift is a two-parter. (College friends, please coördinate.)

_Estimated cost: fifty-five hundred dollars

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A Donation to the Charity of Our Choosing, Which Happens to Be My Sriracha-Fusion-Sauce Startup

Please don't tell Kate.

Estimated cost: pledge levels vary.

Something of the Month, for as Long as We Live

Membership to a monthly-gift club—say, a farm-to-doorstep produce basket or an artisanal coffee roast—is an exciting present, but it expires in a year. Our marriage will last longer than that. Unless you don't think so. Is that what this gift is about? Anyway, what kind of monster gives you a taste of, say, a decadent, nutty Nicaraguan blend and then leaves you out in the cold? See this through.

_Estimated cost, assuming that we make it to the average life expectancy of 78.7 years: eleven thousand one hundred and seventy-five dollars

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Five Thousand Dollars to Spend on the SkyMall Catalogue in Sixty Seconds or Less

Take a second to think about how insanely cool that would be. O.K., yes, this is a game-show idea I'm currently pitching. Would you watch? Does it need higher stakes?

_Estimated cost: five thousand dollars

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EVERYTHING FROM FUCKING WEST ELM

We want it. We want it all.

Estimated cost: Jesus, a lot

A Tip for Gerald the Shuttle-Bus Driver

It's practical. Plus, he's a good guy. Lives in Lexington with his mom. And he didn't report you for stealing that bottle of vodka from the reception. He obviously saw you. He looked the other way.

_Estimated cost: two hundred dollars

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Really Good Maple Syrup

It makes a difference.

_Estimated cost: fourteen dollars

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A Sex Swing

They say it can be tough to maintain that spark, and Lord knows we'd never buy this for ourselves. We don't even know how it works. But you do. You're our nasty friend. ;)

Estimated cost: you tell us.

White Guest-Room Towels

Come to think of it, we do have several guests planning to visit soon. And, man, does a plush white towel make it feel like the Ritz-Carlton in a windowless converted garage in Echo Park.

Estimated cost: $53.99

The Per-Person Cost for You to Attend Our Wedding, in Cash

Somehow, the practice of getting an appliance whose monetary value is less than half what we spent on you became the standard operating procedure. Instead, square us up. Make it like you were never there!

Estimated cost: $185.18. But don't forget to double if you brought a plus-one.