Right on cue; just like she always asks when our UberShuttle flies over the Houses of Parliament.

“That was nearly 150 years ago! Let me find the right file in my bio-memory”. I gazed at Big Ben’s holographic ticking hands as 150 years zoomed before my eyes.

“Here we go. What a funny time that was. We were so close to forgetting our values — forgetting what made us ‘Great’ Britain and Northern Ireland.”

“Why did they call that election, grampa?”

“There was no need. Arrogance, I suppose; perhaps greed. The Conservatives claimed it would improve our negotiating position with the EU, despite already having a clear majority and mandate. They never really explained why, or really even mentioned any detail of the Brexit negotiations in their campaign. They just kept repeating this one phrase… what was it…”

“Strong and stable!”

“Ha, your digital memory is faster than mine! I must get that upgrade. Anyway, yes, ‘Strong and stable’. What a contradiction they were. To demonstrate their strength in leadership and negotiation, our Prime Minister, Theresa May, refused to criticise America’s joke-of-a-president as he attacked our climate and mocked London’s mayor. She regurgitated catch-phrases in response to any questions, and refused to publicly debate, instead delegating to our Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, who’s father had died just 2 days before.”

“And to demonstrate stability they U-turned on their manifesto twice in 2 weeks. They first had to reverse a pledge to drain the estates of those who fell ill with dementia, at a time when many could only get on the property ladder through inheritance. They then proposed to ‘rip up’ human rights laws, after promising to stay a part of the European Convention of Human Rights.”

“What’s… ‘dementia’?”

“Luckily for me, it doesn’t exist anymore. Thanks to our commitment to investment in our NHS and higher education research, our little country reclaimed its reputation for cutting-edge medicine, and we entered a period of breakthrough after breakthrough. Diseases and ailments that once devastated families were eradicated.”

“If I recall, the doctor who discovered the cure to dementia began her studies after it struck her father. She was an only child, and her father did his best to raise her alone. Just a few thousand votes the other way, and her genius would have gone to waste taking care of him, unable to afford the £82,000 fees for a medical degree, followed by the pitiful £23,000 starting salary.”

“But grampa, why wouldn’t the Conservatives want free higher education for all, free healthcare for all, and why would they pay their medical staff so badly? It’s basic macroeconomics that a society’s productivity is directly tied to its aggregate education and health levels, and so investment in those areas provides enormous returns of capital. Especially when interest rates were at an all-time low and borrowing for investment was so cheap.”

“Clever girl. Back then, we couldn’t teach 7 year olds like you economics, because children were not provided free school meals and so struggled to concentrate. Even though we knew that the distress caused by hunger — and poverty in general — directly caused a significant decrease in effective IQ, and therefore economic potential. But, at a time where food bank usage was rising fast, instead of investment in areas which benefited society as a whole, we built new grammar schools, which disproportionately benefit the wealthiest families, who need it least.”

“But I thought the Conservatives were known to be fiscally responsible?”

“So did most of us! But after 7 years in power, our national debt hadn’t been higher since World War 2, our public services had had their funding devastated and their assets sold off, and the wealthiest individuals and largest corporations were spoilt with tax cuts.”

“But worst of all, the Conservatives gambled our financial future with the Brexit referendum — despite 45% of our trade being with the EU, and London being the global centre for financial services thanks to its EU ties. The gamble, of course, failed, and the brightest star faded from the EU flag in 2019.”

“Remarkably, having learnt nothing after failing to plan for the eventual outcome of the Brexit referendum, the Conservatives followed up 12 months later with their foolhardy election campaign. The few believers in their fiscal responsibility soon changed their minds, after the Tory manifesto was released completely uncosted, and with no assessment of the potential financial impact of Brexit. When challenged on this they simply flung personal insults at the opposition.”

“The Magic Money Tree!!!”

“Excellent memory once again. The fully-costed Magic Money Tree, bearing fruit such as £19.4bn from reversed corporation tax cuts and £10.3bn by cracking down on tax avoiders and closing tax loopholes. Yes, the top 5% highest earners would also pay more income tax, but the 500,000 people (about a third of those affected) earning between £80,000 and £100,000 would pay an average of only £400 per year; the 150,000 people earning between £150,000 and £200,000 would pay an average of £6,400.”

“Those numbers are boring. If someone took my pocket money I would leave.”

“That’s what the Conservatives thought, too. Despite claiming that Brexit was our ‘Make UK Great Again’ moment, where finally we would be sovereign, could once again focus all our energies on our own communities, and we could take pride in everything our culture and history stood for… Despite that, they claimed the top 5% of our great society — who had benefited the most from everything it offers — would simply walk away.”

“They would say goodbye to their friends and families, quit their jobs, wind up their businesses, and sell their homes. Perhaps on their way to the airport they would drive past the schools, colleges and universities who’s teachers gave them world class educations, or drive past the hospitals where thankless doctors and nurses took care of them when they entered the world, and where they said final goodbyes to their loved ones.”

“They would never drink tea again — certainly not from their ‘Keep Calm and Drink Tea’ mugs — and would say ‘who cares’ when asked if a Jaffa cake was actually a biscuit. They would throw out their Saville Row suits and their Alexander McQueen dresses. They would never again smile at the latest Banksy, or be confused by Damien Hirst; read Shakespeare, or Harry Potter; watch Trainspotting… or Harry Potter! They would never sing along to Elton, or skank out to Dizzee. No more cheering British gold at the Olympics, or ever-hopefully placing that five quid bet on England winning the World Cup.”

“Grampa. Don’t be silly. We haven’t won the world cup in nearly 200 years. People might not leave, but businesses might.”

“Corporation tax is certainly a deciding factor of where a business chooses to locate, but it is by no means the only factor (and in spite of the increase, we still have the lowest rates in the G7 nations). Access to talent is number one — full stop — and the UK has the best. Others include a stable society, labour laws, transport links — even brand! Businesses are proud to be based in the UK, as they share in its rich history, diversity, and civilised values.”

“I thought you said civilised values were belittled?”

“Only those of one man — Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn. His consistency of morals were turned against him. He spent his entire career campaigning against gross breaches in civil and human rights, such as being one of the first votes against Apartheid, and for LGBT rights. He resisted laws granting inscrutable mass surveillance powers in the name of ‘security’, as well as many examples of advocating for diplomacy before violence.”

“Our bullying right-wing press called this weak, and labelled him a terrorist-sympathiser, championing a Two Minutes Hate approach to ‘us’ versus ‘them’; allowing no nuance in the political complexity of any of those situations.”

“Didn’t terrorists try and hurt London?”

“They did. And Manchester. Evil people used random violence to hurt us, to attack our way of life, to drive our communities apart, to make us afraid.”

“And they did hurt us, and we were afraid. But we stood up taller.”

“We saw the bravery of the police forces who had had their numbers and budgets ransacked. We were reminded of the incredible work our health services do every single day, just days after Theresa May replied ‘there’s no magic money tree’ to a nurse’s question about why her real-world pay had dropped by 14% since 2010.”

“We saw videos of how ordinary people fought back, and protected others, no matter the colour of their skin or the religion they practised. We heard stories of strangers offering each-other free beds, and taxis, and singing Oasis together in the streets. We held huge rallies and concerts to show that we were not afraid, and our way of life will not stop. We raised over £10 million in just a few days to support the families of the victims.”

“We remembered that it’s not just in times of fear that us British look out for each other. We remembered our stiff upper lips, our big crooked smiles, and that the blood that runs through all of our hearts is royal blue.”

“We remembered on our little islands, we take care of the many, not the few.”