ROCHESTER, NY—Promising that their loved one’s memory would be protected for years to come, local funeral director Richard Newfeld assured a group of Jewish clients Thursday that this headstone could withstand plenty of blows from a baseball bat. “This one right here is 12-inch-thick granite—a Nazi’s gonna wear himself out swinging a bat at this thing,” said Newfeld, adding that the 300-pound headstone had a graffiti-resistant coating that allows a Sharpied swastika to easily be wiped off with soap and water. “Seriously, the entire Aryan Brotherhood could go to town on this thing with sledgehammers and crowbars, and it’ll still look as good as it did the day it was engraved. It’s embedded with rebar too, so if some white supremacist gets it in his head to back over your headstone with his truck, he will definitely shred his tire. But, here, take a whack with this Louisville Slugger and see the quality for yourself.” Newfeld acknowledged that while the headstone was indeed expensive, it was worth it for the peace of mind of knowing a skinhead can’t topple your loved one’s memory with just a few boot kicks.

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