One of the biggest issues facing Americans today is the rise of the "short-fingered vulgarian". In an effort to adequately determine which citizens of our great country fall into this category it is necessary that a national database be created which provides the hand sizes of all legal United States residents. Those citizens who are then determined to not possess the desired size of hands will be asked to wear gloves or take other steps to ensure that their fingers are not offending anyone. A special task force will be created with the purpose of rounding up those citizens who refuse to legally register their hands and they will face the possibility of immediately having their hands chopped off.