The myth of the BFF can be difficult to live up to. In film and television, we often see female friendships portrayed in a highly romanticised and unrealistic manner; uncomplicated and lasting forever despite the differences of the women involved. When women's relationships are at the centre of the narrative – Sex and the City being the most obvious example – it seems that best friendship somehow transcends all else. Lena Dunham’s Girls offers us a recent rare example of female friendship as many of us live it: close friendships beginning to crumble and to peter out, slowly but surely. It's sometimes painful to watch because it's so familiar.

My best friend and I had been friends for 20 years, and then, one day, nothing. She stopped returning my calls; she ignored my messages. She was living in another country so I had no way of reaching her, no way to confront her. Months passed and I realised that my best friend had stopped being my best friend. Had, in fact, stopped being my friend altogether. And I didn’t know why.

One of the things that bothered me most was the silence; not only my former best friend’s silence towards me, but also the fact that I felt that I couldn’t speak of what had happened between us to anyone else. It felt almost too trivial to mention. But I had to mention it, and did one night to my writing group.

They did not think it was trivial. In fact, as the night wore on, and we all shared our stories of the loss of once-close friends, we realised how devastating such breakdowns were; that there isn’t enough attention paid to the difficulties or complexities in relationships between women. And we realised that there were stories to tell about the break ups of close friendships, and that it was important to tell them. It was this that prompted Just Between Us, the anthology we have co-edited about female friendship.

It is rich with stories of failed friendships, both between girls and much older women that touch on themes such as envy, sexual jealousies, mental illness, betrayal of confidences, childhood disputes and resentments that have lasted for years. It was a relief to know that I’m not the only woman in the world to be dumped by my best friend. Clearly other women feel the same: at Rachel Bertsche’s blog on friendship MWF Seeking BFF http://mwfseekingbff.com/about-the-book/ , break ups with best friends is among the most commented upon topics. In one truly horrifying scenario, a woman who has split up with her best friend writes about continuing to live in the apartment next door to her.

It seems that women are loath to confront one another when a relationship is failing, even if, or maybe, especially if, that relationship is with their best friend. And although I have experienced this myself, I’m still puzzled as to why it should happen. Women are a discursive bunch – my former friend and I could talk about almost anything and for record amounts of time. As teenagers and young women we would spend whole days and nights talking. Why, then, were we so uncomfortable in airing our grievances with one another as adults? Where did the silence between us come from?

I haven’t spoken to my ex-best friend in almost five years. Late last year, after another night of chasing her around in my dreams, I unfriended her on facebook. Having that link there had become a reminder of the failure between us, and of how painful the situation had become. And although part of me will always wonder where she is and how she is going, removing that link has helped me move on. My dreams have become my own once more.

• Natalie Kon-yu is the co-editor of Just Between Us, a collection of non-fiction and fiction about female friendships by Australian writers, published by Pan Macmillan, RRP $32.99