Film Critics: “We don’t actually ‘get’ movies. No-one does.”

INCREDIBLE TELL ALL

In a move that has shocked the movie-going world, the film critic community today went on record admitting that they’ve honestly never really understood a single movie they’ve seen.

“It just slipped out the other night at the Critics’ Association drinks,” said Ian Kowalski, film critic for the LA Post, “And a huge wave of relief washed over the room. Everyone realized we were all in the same boat — not one of us has ever made sense of these things.”

“Have you ever actually watched a movie?” Dan Gil of the Evening Herald asked incredulously. “Toy Story, Die Hard, Gaspar Noé’s seminal ‘Enter the Void’ — none of it makes a lick of goddamn sense.”

“We’ve just been pretending to understand them because people are paying us to,” added Lisa Kao of Buzzard Magazine. “Every film ever made is complete nonsense.”

“I mean, who are these characters? What are they doing? Try to explain that to me about even one movie. I dare you,” said Gil.



“I was halfway through the scene in Citizen Kane where he’s on his deathbed, and the snow globe slips through his fingers and shatters on the floor, and I couldn’t help but think, ‘Wow… what the fuck was all that about?’,” said Kao.

“‘Character development’, ‘themes’, ‘plot’ — these are all just buzzwords we made up to sound like we knew what we were talking about,” revealed Kowalski. “Buddy, I don’t even know how they make the pictures move. Witchcraft, I’m assuming.”

When confronted as to why they took the job if they didn’t understand movies, Kowalski replied, “It’s the easiest job in the world. People are paying me simply to have an opinion. There’s no wrong answer!”

Shortly after asserting that literally everyone is just pretending to understand movies so they don’t look dumb in front of their friends, Gil added, “Look, why don’t you just make up your own mind? It’s all subjective anyway.”

‘My review of ‘Coco’ last week was a direct copy/paste of Roger Ebert’s 1986 review of David Lynch’s ‘Blue Velvet,’ said Kao. “Honestly I can’t believe we got away with this for so long.”

When asked what his favorite movie of all time was, Kowalski replied, “Who the fuck cares?” and sped off along Sunset Boulevard in a Ferrari Enzo, flipping this reporter the bird.