The Rumour Mill is going to be an absolute cracker today. Seriously, the gossip you're about to be served is so juicy we should deliver it in a jug. Maybe we'll pour in a little booze and call it a cocktail – Sex on the Bench, Signing-on Fee, something like that. Anyway, brace yourselves, readers, because this is what you're been waiting for. It's a top, top Mill.

But before we go any further, the Mill would just like to remind you that it's not easy peddling tittle-tattle. It's all very well being willing and able to regurgitate fancy chit-chat, but where do you find it in the first place? The Mill has sought it here, sought it there, sought it everywhere, even in heaven, even in hell, but it's more elusive than any damn pimpernel.

At this point, readers, the Mill may be starting to remind you of a certain London-based French aristocrat, one who simultaneously talks big and small in a bid to stave off revolutionaries. You are perhaps wondering if the intro to this here column was not the greatest swindle since a crafty member of the transient community diddled Kenny Rogers out of a bottle of whiskey in return for the most useless advice of all time. Telling a card player that "you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them" is about as helpful as a Sat Nav saying "in two miles, go the way you need to go".

But no, readers, do not despair! Because the Mill and Arsenal are going to produce the goods! Just have a gander at the papers: Arsenal are being linked with more strikers than a reality TV thing! Gonzalo Higuaín, Stevan Jovetic, Wayne Rooney, Karim Benzema, Edin Dzeko – we knew about all of them, of course, but now the Daily Mail tells us that Arsène Wenger could be about to swoop for high-brow Spanish swashbuckler, Michu. You can see what Wenger is thinking there alright: stick Michu up front, bring in Ashley Williams at the back and Arsenal are a good way towards preparing the Emirates for Michael Laudrup. D'oh!

Mind you, Wenger is coming under heavy pressure to sign Celtic's Victor Wanyama too, with the Daily Express revealing that no less a force than Aaron Ramsey has "urged" the club to splash out to sign the Kenyan. "Whether he will join us is for other people to decide," stormed Ramsey, clearly not willing to take no for an answer.

Wenger is still being tentatively linked to Paris Saint-Germain, of course, although one of the leading new contenders to replace Carlo Ancelotti if the Italian gets his wish to go to Real Madrid is the nearly-forgotten one-time flavour of the month, Laurent Blanc.

One striker who definitely won't be going to Arsenal, or Spurs or anywhere else in the Premier League, is David Villa, because he says he wants to stay in Spain.

Cunning Montpellier schemer Younès Belhanda, however, could be on his way to England. If, that is, he chooses Aston Villa over the other clubs who have expressed an interest in him, which are: Milan, Internazionale, Galatasaray and Atlético Madrid. Villa it is, then.

Newcastle are preparing a shock signing: Reading centre-back Alex Pearce, who is also being eyed up by Liverpool, and is not French. Pepe Reina, meanwhile, has decided Barcelona is not for him and fancies a new deal at Anfield. That last sentence is grammatically correct but might have made more sense if it was written as follows: Barcelona have decided that Pepe Reina is not for them so the keeper wants a new deal at Anfield.

André Villas-Boas wants to buy Colombian forward Jackson Martínez, assuming Porto still have some players left once Monaco and Chelsea are finished with them.

Mauricio Pochettino and Chris Hughton are going to duke it out over Celtic striker Gary Hooper, with the Southampton boss having the edge because his trusty interpreter can throw in a few digs too.

Fulham are close to sealing a £3m deal for Roma's Dutch international keeper, Maarten Stekelenburg.

Finally, José Mourinho is poised to return to Stamf … oh, you knew? So you probably also know that he has been linked with bringing the following players to Chelsea, in addition to telling Romelu Lukaku he can't go anywhere on loan: Wesley Sneijder, Nemanja Matic, Porto defender Eliaquim Mangala and, would you believe, that man Dzeko again.