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In the latest dump of weird, not-quite-sexts from Amazon supervillain, Jeff Bezos, to his alive girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, Bezos revealed that his wife MacKenzie was having nightmares about turtles in the months before the split.




According to the National Enquirer, which has been the source of this massive pile of steaming texts from the beginning : “MacKenzie dreamt I redecorated the bedroom. I kept doing it and it got weirder and weirder and weirder. Until I was sewing stuffed turtles into the comforter. Wife said: that’s not hard to interpret.”

First of all, is it not boring enough to hear someone else’s dream without having to hear someone else’s dream twice removed?




Second, the Enquirer offers this, completely inadequate, interpretation : “Turtles in a dream are supposedly an indication of closed personality and suggest a period of slow progress in someone’s life.”

Fine, but when you’re married to a man who looks like Jeff Bezos, turtles in a dream fucking your shit up are an indication that not only has your diapsid-looking husband bought that comforter on the broken backs of exploited laborers, but he’s also sleeping with someone else under it.

However, maybe that slow progress portended in those turtle-y nightmares is on its way. Forbes has listed a bunch of ways MacKenzie Bezos could “wreak havoc” on Amazon as a result of the divorce, since Washington is a 50/50 state, and assets accrued during the marriage are divided equally. Here are a few of the ways she could stuff that comforter with some turtles of her own:

MacKenzie conspires with Walmart to leverage her shares to acquire Amazon.

Mackenzie sells her shares as a “block trade” to Walmart thus allowing a hand-picked person from Walmart to secure a seat on the Board of Directors, and gain inside access to the inner workings of Amazon.

MacKenzie retains her shares and becomes an advocate for policies that push Amazon to pay associates higher wages and offer better benefits leading to reduced pr ofits for the company.

Jeff Bezos steps down as CEO of Amazon to pursue other interests. Specifically, Bezos enters politics and runs for President in 2024.


The article notes that none of these things are all that likely, but calls the scenario where MacKenzie Bezos uses her shares to make life less hellish for Amazon employees “possible and plausible .” So here’s hoping that pipe dream comes true.