My name is Pablo Carranza. I’m a filmmaker and (in part) failed producer/writer. I’ll be doing a series of these articles for the next while.

For the first one, I’ve been sitting here thinking about what I wanted to say.

It’s not that I can’t think of anything, but sometimes you just get that feeling, the one that is way down in your gut and causes even the thought of doing anything related to work to make you physically sick.

I get that a lot.

It honestly feels like it’s only a step away from hanging myself in the closet.

But as much as that is a comforting thought (it would be over at least), I’d probably just end up standing in the closet for a few seconds, wonder why I wear the same three outfits, and ultimately chicken out.

And then I’d be coming out of the closet.

*silence for effect*

*a tumble weed rolls by, crickets are heard*

….anyway. I find myself living with the inability to hide my failure every day; from myself and from the Supreme Overlords who review my drafts and tell me when it’s horrible.

I can’t get anything right.

I am depressed.

Yet here I am.

The fears of nothing and yet everything

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” - Marcus Aurelius

Well he certainly doesn’t have to worry about death anymore since he is dead. Lucky bastard.

But I bet even an almost 2000 year old Roman emperor wrote those passages to keep his own mental boat steady. Shows you how long we’ve all been going through it.

Sometimes I’m left with more questions than answers. The main one being:

What is fear and why do we let ourselves be crippled by it?