Start from the beginning here!

The Köln game may have been a successful one, but we have more work to be done. A couple of days later I’m sat in my office, watching the players train through the window as I listen to old Bill Cosby stand-up, practising his trademark laughter as I laugh along to the genius at work.

My computer pings up with a new email and it’s from the Director of Football, Frank Baumann.

I pause the Cosby stand-up and take a moment to think about this. Friedl is currently on loan at the club from Bayern and he’s still yet to make a single appearance or even play a single minute, largely due to Augustinsson just being an outright better player and his first few performances of the season haven’t warranted dropping him yet. However, if Friedl leaves the club then I’m left with no cover at left-back and I can’t afford for that to be the case.

I decline to reply to the email and I say nothing to Friedl. He’ll get his first start this weekend against Hannover, a team who’ve yet to get a win in their first three games and, tipped for relegation by the bookies, should be beaten.

The game begins and we get off to a good start as we instantly dominate proceedings, finding ourselves 2-0 up within the first 15 minutes. ‘Brilliant,’ I think, ‘finally some free-flowing football and a show for the fans. We continue to take the piss out of Hannover for the rest of the half – not adding to our goal tally but comfortably ahead as the opposition are still yet to have a sniff.

The team comes in at half time and there’s a buzz around the dressing room. I beam as I follow them in. Then I say the words which I will come to regret:

“You’re doing great out there, keep it up.”

The dressing room is bouncing and there’s visible relief on the faces of the players as they take to the pitch.

The second half begins and suddenly everything’s changed. The scintillating passing moves which were present throughout the first half keep breaking down and the defence keeps switching off. We’re starting to give them chances. I don’t like it.

Friedl, who’s repaid his first start of the season with a solid first half performance, is particularly garbage after the break and does everything but bend over for his opposing winger. As we remain largely in control of the game and ultimately don’t concede any goals, I decide not to make any changes.

Hannover soon make their first half domination count, however, and they get one back. I decide to take Maximilion Eggestein off in order to solidify the midfield. What this actually does is remove my one central midfielder who’s capable of retaining the ball and Hannover pounce on this.

They equalise after Martin Harnik absolutely diddles Friedl and hits a cross into the box. Veljkovic sticks out a leg but doesn’t get full control, handing the ball on a plate to Jonathas who makes no mistake. I finally decide to give Friedl the Ol’ Yeller treatment and put him out of his misery. Augustinsson takes his place and instantly the left flank looks more solid.

I stand on the touchline wondering what I should even say to the team, what instruction I should offer, but after the shambolic backfire that was the half-time team talk I don’t really want to risk it.

My worst fears are confirmed as Hannover complete the comeback and my team complete the spectacular implosion. Niclas Füllkrug darts into the box and expertly chips the ball over Pavlenka and across the face of goal. Kenan Karaman heads the ball back across the sprawling Pavlenka and it bounces in. Hannover get their third of the game and I lose it on the touchline. I pick up a water bottle and instinctively I want to throw it, but memories of Josè Mourinho’s bottle kick ban flash before my eyes and instead I mash the bottle in my hands, yelling and swearing at Wolff in English, a language he doesn’t understand. My team really are fucking useless.

After the full-time whistle blows I quickly detour into my office before going into the dressing room, finding the team talk I think they deserve. “Mike Bassett Half Time Rant” fires up on YouTube before I perform an eerily accurate re-enactment, throwing water bottles at the heads of Friedl and Veljkovic in the process.

News of the outrage spreads like wildfire as Pavlenka lets slip in the mixed zone and German sports media are quick to mock, with one news outlet in particular publishing a cartoon which depicts me cooking soup in the kitchen and following the recipe, which I then sit down and enjoy. I then begin to cook the same soup again, only this time I cross out an item on the recipe and add my own. I sit down at the table and am immediately disgusted, deciding to then take my anger out on the carrots and tomatoes in the fridge. I wanted to be angry but I had to admit it was damn good satire.

Friedl had pissed me off already by turning in an abysmal 6.4 performance after complaining to upper management that he wasn’t getting enough football, though he soon finds a way to reach new heights as the day after the defeat he grows the balls to actually speak to me himself and request his loan is terminated.

Quite where he finds the temerity to complain about a lack of first team football a day after the worst defensive display of any player so far this season is beyond me. I’m almost impressed. Despite this, I need to keep him around as backup and I’m willing to give him a few more chances in the first team, though more performances like this will do him no favours.

Friedl survives for now, but he finds himself the second player to have his name highlighted on my chart in yellow…

Read Part 5 here!