Dear minions,

I hate the rhombus.

Seriously.

You just have to look at a rhombus to know it’s a terrible shape.

It’s kind of like a square, but wtf, it’s always crooked.

And worst of all…

… the rhombus is destroying the porn industry.

Err… How is the Rhombus Destroying the Porn Industry?

I’ll tell you how.

First of all, the rhombus is an equilateral quadrilateral.

Even worse, it’s a quadrilateral in which each diagonal bisects two opposite interior angles.

DO YOU SEE THE MADNESS?!

The rhombus is a non-self-intersecting shape!

… the porn industry is all about intersecting shapes.

Right… But, the rhombus is just a shape…

The rhombus is not just a shape…

It’s a horrible shape!

A rhombus has four sides, but they’re all the same length…

… but a rhombus isn’t a square!

It’s a goddamn rhombus because it can never be bothered with right angles.

You might not care about geometry, but I’m telling you pornography has a lot of preferable positions designed to require right angles.

SO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM?!

… you can never have sex like a rhombus.

Ok… but nobody is having sex with rhombuses…

OMG IT’S NOT ABOUT THE RHOMBUSES!

… It’s about parallelograms.

Every rhombus is a parallelogram, and parallelograms are a huge issue because you can’t be parallel all by yourself. By yourself you’re just a line doing your own thing…

Until…

All of a sudden you find someone else going the exact same way and you figure out to your astonishment that you’re both parallel.

DO YOU SEE THE INSANITY?!?!

Once you’re parallel, it’s all over. The two of you will never for all of eternity cross paths!

NEVER!

This is why nobody ever has sex with people from parallel universes.

Out of curiosity, what the hell does any of this have to do with World Domination?!

I’m highly dependent on the porn industry.

If I want to conquer the world, it helps to have a multi-trillion dollar industry distracting all of my competitors.

… but if rhombi destroy the porn industry, I’m screwed.

All sorts of people will suddenly have free time and extra hands for doing things like work and thinking and using that lump of meat inside their head.

I can’t have that!

My business model for World Domination is based on the fact that all the people around me are highly incompetent.

Any successful business or government knows they need to keep everyone unfocussed and distracted if they want to conquer the world and make billions of dollars.

Rhombi threaten to unravel the whole messed up state of reality evil overlords thrive on!

Ok, that makes sense… So what do we do?

We need to promote the proliferation of pornography so children don’t grow up in a world where using the Internet for proper research is seen as a more important pastime.

… and we need to do it before it’s too late because it’s getting alarmingly close to being too late!

Just look at Google Trends…

Since 2004, more and more people have been searching for rhombuses…

Listen, this is not the shape people should be searching the Internet for!

… Spheres, see I really like spheres and how they look with no clothes on.

But the rhombus, it’s just terrible geometry.

Have you ever seen wet t-shirt pictures of a rhombus? No.

Have you ever seen a bunch of rhombuses have a pillow fight in pajamas? No.

Stop wasting the potential of the Internet by searching for rhombuses!!!

What’s next?

Are we going to start looking up ‘facts’ and start having discussions about important issues?

Things like alcohol, drugs, gambling and pornography exist for a reason.

It’s so a minority of people like me can make one-hundred billion dollars while others succumb to every possible weakness or temptation.

This can’t be allowed to change!

It’s time we take a stand against taking a stand before people start taking stands against the things we need to remain unstood.

Stop searching for rhombuses.

… Unless you’re ready to conquer the world.

Then you need to click here before it’s too late.