Stop me if you’ve heard this before. A shyster politician is afraid he’s losing out on the “dumbest of the dumb” vote. He has to come up with something that is even MORE moronic than his usual stuff. So he takes to Twitter and unveils his idea of the perfect political bumper sticker. “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted. Vote Pro-Life!”

The punchline? Texas Republican Rep. Steve Stockman actually did this two weeks ago.

Funny, huh?

I have no idea what kind of cerebral malfunction is going on within the rank ranks of the Republican Party nationwide but nearly everything that comes out of their mouths seems like some sort of twisted joke. While most of us are concerned with very real problems in our very real world, Republicans have reduced political discourse to something sounding like open mike night at the Comedy Corral in Wook, Iowa. (“Don’t forget to tip your cow on the way out.”)

Seeking to win over women, GOP gagsters apparently are inspired by Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.

New Hampshire State Rep. Peter Hansen sent out a recent e-mail referring to women as “vaginas.” When writing about how insidious it would be for men to lose their right to have heavy-duty weapons, he pointed out that no one is considering those most affected by this loss of tactical defense. “Why, children and vagina’s (sic) of course.”

When called out on his unique terminology, he first shook a meaty fist via e-mail, growling: “Having a fairly well educated mind I do not need self appointed wardens to A: try to put words in my mouth for political gain and B: Turn a well founded strategy in communication into an insulting accusation, and finally if you find the noun vagina insulting or in some way offensive then perhaps a better exercise might be for you to re-examine your psyche.”

He later said his words were taken out of context as opposed to being taken out of his ass.

I love snappy comebacks.

In Bernalillo County, New Mexico, during a meeting discussing a raise in county minimum wages, county Republican leader Steve Kush took to Twitter to discuss the testimony of a 19-year-old female volunteer for Working America.

“Nice hat Working America chick but damn you are a radical bitch.” Kush later expanded his astute observations. “She was hot enough to almost make me register democrat.”

Nobody got his hip attempt at Playboy after dark humor. He has since been suspended.

Conservatives are all atwitter over all these uppity women folk, these days. Last month, insult comic Ann Coulter offered this zinger. “I used to think that women just shouldn’t be able to vote. Now I think liberal women should not be able to hold office.”

At the CPAC yuckfest last month, audience member Scott Terry was not amused over a woman involving herself in a discussion. “I didn’t know the legacy of the Republican Party included women correcting men in public.”

Now, take my wife….PLEASE!

Republicans are true masters of relationship humor. Earlier this year New Hampshire Rep. Mark Warden quipped, “A lot of people like being in abusive relationships.” (“Is that a gun or are you glad to see me?” “It’s a gun, bitch!”)

This sort of dovetails with the deadpanned delivery of South Carolina gubner Nikki Haley, whose “Women don’t care about contraception” routine always wows the guys in the crowd on date night.

Which, somehow, brings us to Celeste Greig, head of the California Republican Assembly, who recently got into the thinking GOP comic’s newly found vein of surrealist humor - rape. “The percentage of pregnancies due to rape is small because it’s an act of violence, because the body is traumatized. I don’t know what percentage of pregnancies are due to the violence of rape. Because of the trauma the body goes through.”

Don’t try to wrap your head around that unless you’ve got excellent health care coverage.

The current GOP improv troupe really loves to riff on rape, abortions, reproductive rights and anything vaguely connected to sex. They know how to please their nearly all-male audience. The subjects have become sort of a “nudge-nudge, wink-wink, slobber-slobber” mental meme.

Democratic strategist Zerlina Maxwell appeared on Sean Hannity’s show discussing her article “5 Ways We Can Teach Men Not To Rape,” stressing that women shouldn’t have to be armed to prevent rape. The responsibility should be the males. A viewer tweeted “Nigger! I hope you get raped and your throat slit! May be then you understand why white women need to be armed. DIE BITCH!”

Maxwell is black and a rape survivor. See the subtle irony in the comment? I’m tellin’ ya. This is observational humor at its best.

F’rinstance, last week Kansas gubner Sam Brownback signed a strict anti-abortion bill declaring that life “begins at fertilization.” On his notes regarding the bill, as photographed by the Associated Press, Sam had written “Jesus + Mary.” This totally outdoes the lame comedic attempts of Democrats, who scrawled things like “this is wrong,” “insanity reigns” or “Kilroy was here.”

To ensure that Republicans keep their rape and abortion jibes up to date, the NRSC is planning a series of eight Rape Boot Camps between now and the midterms in 2014. Kevin McLaughlin, a veteran operative hired to work with campaign staffs around the country, will run the sessions. Presumably, Republicans will learn what not to say about rape while also learning how to carve bars of soap into little boats. I’m assuming the campfire stories will be memorable, too.

Now, where the Republican comedians have it all over us is that, while we react to hard news stories like the Boston bombings and the Senate’s failure to pass gun background checks legislation with shock and disappointment, the GOP zanies take those events as jumping off points for hilarious hijinx.

In the days leading up to the great Senate Gun Stain-Off, Republican quipsters were vying for the America’s Top Comic award. South Carolina Rep. Jeff Duncan took the prize easily with his epic Facebook rant warning that background checks would lead to a genocide like in Rwanda.

“Ask yourselves about a National gun registry database and how that might be used and why it is so wanted by progressives. Read about the Rwandan genocide, the Hutu and Tutsi tribes. Read that all Tutsi tribe members were required to register their address with the Hutu government and that this database was used to locate Tutsi for slaughter at the hands of the Hutu. Since the government had the names and addresses of nearly all Tutsis living in Rwanda (remember, each Rwandan had an identity card that labeled them Tutsi, Hutu, or Twa) the killers could go door to door, slaughtering the Tutsis.”

You see what he did, there? He leap-frogged over the standard “Gun control is just like Hitler” routine and got into a song and dance combo of “Hutu’s on first?” and “Tu-tu-Tutsi good-bye.” Classic stuff.

When former Arizona Congresswoman and gun violence survivor Gabby Giffords wrote an op-ed piece in “The New York Times” criticizing Congress for their great gun cave-in, key conservative comedy writers morphed into Retro-Rickles mode.

National Review Online’s resident zany, Kevin D. Williamson, stated, “It should be noted that being shot in the head by a lunatic does not give one any special grace to pronounce upon public-policy questions.”

As opposed to sitting on hemorrhoids behind a keyboard? (And what those hemorrhoids were doing behind a keyboard is anybody’s guess.)

Right-wing blogger Dan Riehl responded with the tongue-twister, “I’m sorry you were a victim Ms. Giffords. But I refuse to be yours by surrendering my rights in the face of your over-emotional and fundamentally illogical pleading which is not only a form of bullying but the worst sort of emotional blackmail, as well.”

Dan Riehl doesn’t diagram sentences often. But when he does? It won’t be that last one. Stay wordy, my friend.

Following the Boston bombing, there was a stampede towards slap-happiness. Republican Arkansas state Rep Nate Bell tweeted: “I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a hi-capacity magazine?” (Ahhhh, the old “apples vs. chaise lounges” sleight of hand trick.)

Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, who has perfected his Signore Winces routine of having the foot in his mouth speak, opined that Bostonians not only needed guns but unlimited magazine capacities.

Tennessee state senator Stacey Campfield posted a picture of an “Assault Pressure Cooker” to his blog with the caption “Here comes Feinstein again,” referencing Senator Diane Feinstein’s anti-assault weapons stance. When he got an amazingly negative reaction, with naysayers noting that people were actually maimed in the Boston Marathon blasts and three people were killed, including an eight-year-old, Campfield donned his Andrew Dice Clay persona.

“If my post was inappropriate talking about ‘crock pot control’ then where is the outrage from the left when they push for gun control after the Sandy Hook shooting? Im sorry if I exposed your double standard....

Well, not really!”

Knowing that the best gag comes in three parts, he took to the airwaves and nailed it with “People need to lighten up.” (“Bodies? What Bodies?” “Rectum? Damned near KILLED him.” He’ll be here all week, ladies and germs.)

New York state senator Greg Ball, flexing his absurdist chops, tweeted, after the second bombing suspect was captured: “So, scum bag #2 in custody. Who wouldn't use torture on this punk to save more lives?”

Ted Nugent took to the airwaves to puke on his balls and say something nasty (as is his wont) but, at this point, listening to his old stand-up routine is closely akin to getting stuck in a “knock-knock” joke festival.

In terms of sheer irreverence, the GOP Big Tent of humor is limitless. Oklahoma state Rep. Dennis Johnson, on the floor of the state House and talking about how small businesses beat big box stores in customer service, noted the small business customers “might try to Jew me down on a price.”

When a fellow representative slipped him a note stating, basically, “Ix-nay on the ews-Jay,” Johnson added a second punchline. “I apologize to the Jews. They’re good small businessmen as well.” It should be noted there are no folks of the Jewish faith in the House. Rimshot!

In Kansas, Saline County Commissioner Jim Gile complained in a meeting that the county needed to hire an architect to design local improvements rather than “nigger-rigging it.” He later pulled an Irwin Corey routine saying that he didn’t mean to insult anyone. “I am not a prejudiced person. I have built Habitat homes for colored people.” Exactly what color these people are, only Jim and Crayola know for sure.

And, of course, nothing wins an audience over like nostalgic humor. In full “Prairie Home Companion” mode, Alaska Rep. Don Young recently remembered the good old days back on the farm when “we used to have 50-60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.”

Oh, I tell you, these guys are a scream! Literally. I scream whenever they open their mouths. For some aberrated reason, Republicans seem to believe that anything THEY don’t believe in is a joke. They don’t care what the vast majority of Americans feel. They don’t care about facts.

They find our cares, beliefs and concerns funny. Most of their verbosity boils down to a colossal, Pythonesque “I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to name Democrats who pummel subjects they know nothing about or make wisecracks about death and hardship.

I guess the most current laff-fest I can come up with occurred this past week in the Republican controlled state legislature of Pennsylvania where a bill prohibiting state-run health insurance plans from covering abortions was up for a vote.

Democratic state Rep. Brian Sims took to the floor and stated: “As a reminder, Mr. Speaker, I do believe this has been forgotten entirely by many of my colleagues today: Each of us put our hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. We did not place our hands on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

The anti-abortion bill passed.

See? Now THAT’s humor.

Gallows humor.

Try the veal.

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