I Want to Be Woke but No One Will Tell Me the PC Term for “Frigid Friend-Zoning Cunt”

It’s 2017 and I’m trying my best to be woke, but I’ll be honest it’s hard for a guy like me to keep up with the latest social justice issues. I wasn’t raised to be an ally, but I’m trying to change, and I need your help. I know times are tough for women, but you have to understand that they’re tough for me too!

I really don’t want to offend anyone, but it’s hard not to be offensive when no one will tell me the PC term for “frigid, friend-zoning cunt.” And believe me, I’ve asked! I’ve asked just about every women I’ve come into contact recently (not Maya though, we haven’t talked much since that awkward situation at Tony’s party) and I still can’t get a straight answer.

Is “tease” still okay? I know “cock-tease” is too far. Based on my experience most feminists are super opposed to me saying “cock” around them, even more so when I happen to be talking about my cock. I would never say Maya is a “lying, cock-teasing-slut” anymore (even if it’s true.). But what can I call her?

Woke women of America: I’m not here to tell you how to run things, but you should definitely keep a database of PC terminology (I could teach one of you to use Google Docs if need be.). That way, I won’t have to ask a bunch of females what an appropriate sexism-free term is for describing a girl who refuses to sleep with you even after you save her thousands of dollars by giving her a all your old IKEA furniture for free. (I’ve got an idea, ladies, how about we call that person a “Maya?”).

Related: The Term Skanking Is Problematic and That’s Not Even One of the Top 5 Reasons Ska Is Dead

Men like me are good people who just need a little guidance. We understand that words like “frigid” and “cunt” carry a lot of negative connotations, but many of us just don’t know other terms to use when a skank refuses to suck a kind-hearted man’s dick. I know I shouldn’t say skank, but I can’t seem to find a woke-approved alternative for negatively describing a bitch who likes to have sex with men who aren’t me. That Google Doc would sure come in handy right now!

Some of us nice guys can become great allies, so help a fella out. If you know the PC term for frigid, friend-zoning cunt (or if you want help getting started on that database, really I have a lot of super helpful ideas for your movement), please leave a comment below. Also, does anyone know Maya’s new phone number? I’m having an issue reaching her.

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Article by Ella Gale @hellakale