In modern dating, everyone is disposable. The process of courting is now a parade of sloppy hook-ups and bruised egos. And while I know you guys find a string of filthy one-nighters a whole lot of fun, eventually a fella is going to want to settle down. But in today’s world of culturally condoned misandry, where do you start?

Everywhere you look, angry feminists are shrieking about “male privilege” and “toxic masculinity”. You can’t smile absent-mindedly at a woman without being accused of sexual harassment. As for telling a lady she looks nice – forget it. You’re objectifying her, and perpetuating something called “rape culture”. It seems everything you instinctively want to do to make women feel good is wrong, rude, or threatening.

So where do you find a well-adjusted lady, who is as much CEO material as wife material? Where are all the smart, confident women, with clear-cut career goals, who are also happy to pop out a couple of kids? Well, you won’t find them in gender studies departments, or donning pussyhats. If you want a girl who’s a package deal, ditch those leftist-feminazis and try your luck with an empowered, freedom-focussed, right-wing glamour girl.

“Whoa!” I hear you exclaim. “Aren’t they all religious nuts, and aren’t there only, like, five of them?” Hell, no. You just don’t hear from us that much, because we can’t be bothered dealing with the cry-screaming of left-feminists when they realise we’ve broken ranks. There are plenty of us, and we do life better than leftie ladies. So you should be dating us. Exclusively.

Why are we better? First, we’re demonstrably hotter. A 2017 study in the Journal of Public Economics found conservatives in Australia, Europe and the US are generally better looking than lefties. A 2012 survey from UCLA garnered similar results. And for anecdotal proof, a comparison of the women on Fox News versus CNN will do just fine. Our inherent hotness comes from the fact we’re not ashamed of being female, thus not ashamed of being feminine.

where are all the smart, confident women, with clear-cut career goals, who are also happy to pop out a couple of kids?

Right-wing women don’t equate femininity with inferiority. We love being women, and see ourselves as different but equal to men. We know if you wear pink, exercise and maintain perfect make-up, you don’t lose your Woman Card. Femininity and masculinity complement each other, so we’re OK with you being men. Unlike left-feminists, we don’t inherently hate you, or think your masculine tendencies are “toxic”. As such, we’ll always accept you, rather than insisting you capitulate to the behaviour feminism prescribes for men.

Speaking of masculinity, we know the kind of primal kick you get out of providing for your lady. We’re also aware of how rude it is to de-ball you in the process. You want to pick up the bill? If that makes you feel manly, go ahead. However, we’re capitalists. We don’t expect regular handouts. So we’ll make a mental note to shout you next time, with our own hard-earned money. All the while enjoying the big, goofy grin you guys get when you realise you’ve impressed us, of course.

Along with being prettier, and better company, we’re also better at sex. According to a 2016 YouGov survey, the further right you lean, the more sexually satisfied you are. This is because, funnily enough, a more conservative, traditionalist attitude to intercourse actually leads to superior sex. Traditionalism doesn’t mean we’re all good little Christian virgins. We’re just cluey enough to realise that, for women, random hook-ups are usually awkward, painful and devoid of orgasm. So what’s the point?

Instead, we’d rather practice (intensively) on one person for an extended period of time. Favouring monogamous relationships over hedonistic promiscuity makes us more comfortable trying new (and kinkier) things. You could even argue because we see sexual partners as valuable, not disposable, we’re less likely to cheat. And let’s be honest: having fewer sexual partners means less risk of contracting an STI. Handy, right?

So if you want a girlfriend whose idea of empowerment is wallowing in victimhood, by all means, join your local socialist club. But if you want a woman who is empowered and career-driven, also family-oriented, hot, sexually savvy, and will love you wholeheartedly for all the things that make you a man, take a sharp right turn, and keep heading in that luscious direction.