Starbucks, a chain of convenient public restrooms that also serves coffee, has “reached a deal to partner with Google that will allow it to offer its customers dramatically faster Wi-Fi service,” the Associated Press reports.

Unfortunately, the service doesn’t kick in until August—verily, a torturous delay as a nation anticipates the ways in which improved Wi-Fi will inform (and surely worsen!) the next generation of pretentious screenplays written at Starbucks. To prepare, we’ve constructed a model one such Internet-enhanced script:

INT. OF FUNERAL HOME. ALLEGRA AND PHYLLIDIA, BOTH IN BLACK, SIT IN OVERSTUFFED ARMCHAIRS AS THEY WAIT TO GREET MOURNERS.

ALLEGRA

Don’t. PHYLLIDIA

Don’t what? ALLEGRA

Don’t bite your nails. PHYLLIDIA

Why not? It’s a nervous habit. ALLEGRA

That’s an oxymoron, Phyl. Wouldn’t you consider all habits to be nervous ones? PHYLLIDIA

How so? ALLEGRA

A habit implies comfort. Comfort implies safety. Safety inhibits risk-taking. PHYLLIDIA

That is exactly the kind of thinking that got us here today. ALLEGRA

You mean? [Gestures to coffin.] PHYLLIDIA

Yes. Like, if Jean-Paul weren’t so pathologically fearful of stasis of any kind, he never would have tried to snorkel across Shark Bay. How could Jean-Paul not have logged onto Wikipedia.com and discovered that “the largest fish in the world, the whale shark, gathers in the bay during the April and May full moons”? And Jean-Paul’s snorkeling trip, I have it right here on my Google Calendar, coincided with a full moon because that snorkeling trip was a birthday snorkeling trip, and Jean-Paul’s birthday is in mid-April. So is my Aunt Jeannie’s, I see. Anyway, Jean-Paul would have been so seduced by the seasonally inexpensive fare to Australia—around $850 on Priceline.com—that he would have willfully ignored the bad timing. It was time for sharks, Allegra. It was time . . . to die. ALLEGRA

Death isn’t linear, Phyllidia. Time is a shark and ambition is a snorkeler. [Begins biting nails again.]

Spoiler alert: Jean-Paul is also a shark.