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Biff Tannen the Ubermensch, running through buildings, McCarran Airport: the happiest place on Earth, snories, the Biggest Problem in the Universe: The Lost Episodes, the mush of modern music, clicking on the wrong mobile thing, pants, negotiating for time off, using 10% of your brain, women being tired, and waking up in the wrong year; all that and more on this month’s bonus episode of The Dick Show!

The hero in Back to the Future is Biff Tannen. He is able to succeed in any time, timeline, or background, and with only the strength of his innate, genetic Biff-ness to guide him; whereas Doc Brown and Marty McFly can only rise to power on the condition that they have access to God. Biff is able to, within seconds of learning about the existence of a time machine, familiarize himself with the technology, concoct a plan to pervert time and serve the self, and then execute it perfectly. No other character in the series has the will to power without the influence of an external agent blowing smoke up their ass–and that’s what makes Biff the villain, his belief in the self above all. Biff’s curse is our own, seeing his true potential squandered across an infinite set of time and possibilities; a casino magnate, a hilarious high school motivation success coach, the owner of a small car detailing business, a disciplinary middle manager, a proud grandfather. He sees what he could be if it weren’t for the yoke of mortality, the limitations of choice, and the inevitable divine intervention of an arbitrary and godlike technological singularity–and yet he makes the choice and he fights for it. Biff is the hero. Doc Brown is a cuck.

I also talk about the Lost Episodes of The Biggest Problem in the Universe. I found them and I don’t know what to do with them. I was thinking of asking The Enigma for help, but something tells me I might regret it. What would Biff do?

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