Dear GatorSixCharlie –

I don’t get lots of time to play games, but this weekend was an exception because my son was at a friend’s house and my wife had lunch with her mother. So I put in Witcher 3 and was having a great time (not like that) when my wife got home. Anyway, it’s just my luck she walked in at the worst possible moment … right in the middle of an explicit sex scene. I guess I should have been happy that she didn’t have our son with her, but when she said the same thing, I knew it wasn’t good.

I laughed it off in the moment and explained, but I don’t think she really got it. She asked me later if I was into animated porn and she’s just been kind of strange about the whole thing. I keep telling her it’s just how that game is and I even tried to pull up a video about it, but she just changes the subject.

The whole thing has taken on a really weird vibe, and I dread the idea of her talking about this with her friends. Any way to defuse the whole thing before it gets worse and she puts on a white-blonde wig and starts talking about unicorns?

–Not Into Anything Weird, Really

Dear Not Into–

Congratulations! You’re now part of an elite fraternity of guys who have been put in awkward relationship situations by a video game. You can take your seat between the guy who accidentally told his first girlfriend that Princess Peach is, “pretty hot,” and the guy who struck out with a girl gamer because he wouldn’t shut up about how much he admired Asari culture.

If this was a column about sex advice or self-actualization, I would be forced to tell you that there’s nothing wrong if you and your wife want to explore your interest in Geralt and Yennefer in the context of a mature, consensual relationship, blah, blah, blah…

But this isn’t a sex advice column. This is a “navigating that tricky place between gaming and regular life” column. And frankly, I don’t want to know anything more about your sex life. I’m going to assume that you’re not writing for tips on how to role play in the bedroom. You’re writing because you don’t want to stop playing Witcher, but you also don’t want your wife to think that playing it means that you were lying earlier and you really are harboring some Witcher-y fantasies.

You’re not going to like hearing this, but are you sure she’s wrong? I mean … she is your wife. Maybe you’re giving off some vibes that she’s reading better than you. Here’s a test: have you ever tried to sneak a few long-swords into the bedroom? Suggested covering the bed with bearskins? Bought yellow contacts and a mail shirt, then sashayed out of the bathroom crooning, “Where are you my little sorceress?”

I’m just saying that she might know you better than you know yourself. In which case, lean into it. There are a lot more embarrassing things to be into, and if you can’t tell your spouse, then you really are in trouble.

If, however, this really is not your bag, you have quite a hill to climb. If the idea is firmly stuck in her head, you’re not going to have an easy time chasing it out again. The easiest thing to do would be to stop playing the game for a bit and stick with extremely PG games. Maybe play Madden or FIFA while saying loudly, “This is really the kind of game I prefer because it never has surprise explicit cut scenes that give people the wrong impression.”

“But Gator,” you say, “I need to finish this game.”

Okay, fine.

Sit your wife down. Tell her it was really unfortunate that she walked in when she did because it gave her a mistaken impression. Point out that this game is infamous for its explicit scenes. (Trust me. She knows this already. She was on Google 30 seconds after she left the room.)

Explain that you’re not into … whatever it is she thinks you’re into. Reassure her that you’re very happy with your sex life the way it is. And then — and you’re not going to like this, but you said you need to finish the game, so it’s a sacrifice you’ll have to make — open up and tell her something about you that she didn’t know. It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Pretty much any sincere, deeply personal revelation will work. Just make it true, and make it good.

She’ll feel like you’ve had a healthy, open, and honest talk and will feel better about your relationship. And you’ll get to finish your game without any looming sense of awkwardness.

You’re welcome.

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