TUSCALOOSA, AL—Vaguely claiming they had “some stuff to do on Saturday,” every single person at the University of Alabama reportedly missed this past weekend’s stunning Iron Bowl loss to Auburn, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, yeah, I was really busy that afternoon, so I wasn’t able to catch the game,” said 21-year-old junior Craig Hopkins, who, along with every other Crimson Tide student, professor, administrator, and alumnus, was reportedly “out at this place” while the game was on and couldn’t get to a television. “I wish I could have watched it, but it’s not that big of a deal anyway. You know, it’s actually a much bigger game for Auburn than it is for us. But I’ll, uh, definitely check out the highlights later when I’m not so swamped.” The entire population of Tuscaloosa later repeatedly stressed to reporters that they still have the game on DVR and don’t want to talk about what happened before they watch it.

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