I'm a 45-year-old man who has been married to a beautiful woman for 15 years. I find my wife talking about her previous sexual experiences very erotic. But she's quite conventional and her imagination isn't great. She's indulged my desire to hear new stories by meeting other men, sometimes just for drinks but occasionally it's gone far beyond that – to my pleasure. She's now told me she will no longer indulge this and I'm struggling to accept there's no scope for adventure. It's a big part of what makes me tick sexually, and my frustration's growing. We've discussed me having an affair, but it's not what I want. My wife says she couldn't cope with it, anyway.

The issue is the difference between fantasy and reality. It's fantasy that does it for you, isn't it? You don't need your wife to actually go with someone else. Since the idea of her being with someone else turns you on, you could negotiate with her to create fantasy scenarios that will inspire you. But first, find out what she really wants from your love-making, and provide it. If you can give her what she wants, and promise you won't expect her to have sex with other men, she may be willing to put more effort into making up new stories or searching for erotic tales in, say, the media. Perhaps you could find scripts for her, or research stories yourself and use them privately to enhance your arousal.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• Email your problem to private.lives@theguardian.com