I have a confession to make. Even though I’ve been playing video games since the “dawn of Pong” and have been writing about them for well over a decade, I have never really played a Mario game.

Shocking…I know.

The reason for this is quite simple. The games (especially the original Super Mario Bros.) just never resonated with me. I was older (15-16) when the NES took off in America, and had been playing more complex computer games on my Commodore 64 for some time when “Mario Mania” swept the land. In fact, I didn’t own an NES until 1987, when my mother bought it for us (my brothers and I) as an Easter gift on a lark. I have to say that I became rather fond of the NES (and many of its “Game Paks”) after that...but Super Mario Bros. still left me cold.

The two Mario games that I’ve played the most are the original Mario Bros. arcade game from 1983 and Super Mario Bros. 2 in 1988. I enjoyed the frenetic pace of the arcade game (it reminded me of Midway’s Joust, which I loved quite a bit), and SMB 2 I bought the day it came out because I happened to be working in the electronics department of a large department store at the time. The game was flying off the shelves that day, so I figured why not put one aside to see if this sequel could do something for me that the original did not.

Sadly, SMB 2 left me cold as well. While I thought the game had some cool ideas and graphics, I didn’t play it much past the first Birdo boss. What can I say? I tried…the game just didn’t grab me.

So, here we are approximately 30 years later. I think it’s high time I beat a few of these Mario games into submission and chronicle this journey along the way. Why do this now, you may ask? Well, I’m not getting any younger (I turn 45 in March), and the game’s 30th anniversary passed not too long ago, which put the idea in my head originally.

I’m going to start with the original Super Mario Bros. of course, then Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World, and cap off this series with Mario 64. I’ll also be playing on the Retron 5 for the first three games rather than the original consoles. In my heart of hearts, I’d like to complete each game without any cheats, save states, or other helpers…but we’ll see how that goes.

The journey begins

MARCH 9: My new Retron 5 arrived in the mail today. I unboxed it and immediately set it up upon arriving home from work. Seems like a cool system. The controller is a bit different, in that it’s going to take some getting used to, but it’s nothing ridiculous.

After getting changed, I ran out to a local, retro game shop called Next Level Video Games to see if I could find me some Mario games. The store had a decent selection and I managed to score a copy of the ubiquitous Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt combo cart, but there was no SMB 3 or Super Mario World to be had there. Such is life. I also picked up NHL ’94 for the Genesis and the Phantasy Star Collection for the Game Boy Advance. I bought those because...well I might need them some day, right?

Upon returning home, I popped the cart into my Retron 5, ready to squash some Goombas. Unfortunately, it took me a bit to figure out the best configuration for the game (scaling, controller, etc.) via the Retron on a 46” HDTV. Things like that weren’t necessary in the good ol’ days of NES.

So, I finally get to playing and my first game is an unmitigated disaster. I die three times on World 1-1, mostly because the controls are a bit more slippery than I recall. Hmm, maybe this was an awful idea after all? Maybe the reason I don’t like Mario games is because I suck at them? That’s a possibility I didn’t consider. I beat notoriously hard games like Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, Mega Man and Blaster Master back in the day, so I definitely can play these “NES Hard” games…I think.

The next game I play allays my fears a bit as I make it all the way up to the first iteration of Bowser (World 1-4), but lose my last man fighting him. OK, so maybe I don’t suck that hard after all…

MARCH 11: I played for about 2 ½ hours tonight. I’m definitely having fun with the game, more than I recall as a snotty teenager at least, but I seem to have topped out at getting to World 2-1 with my initial allotment of three Marios. I’m recalling some of the secrets and warps (and even a got free Mario for collecting 100 coins at one point), but 2-1 seems to be as far as I can get right now.

Do I just need more practice, is my age showing…have my reflexes slowed that much? Should I hit up YouTube videos for some tips and tricks? Hmm, I’ll sleep on that.

MARCH 12: So, I watched this video and then played a few games before meeting an old friend for dinner. The video definitely helped in terms of finding the 1UP mushrooms on Worlds 1-1 and 1-2 but, overall, it threw me off my game in terms of how I had been playing (i.e. rather shitty…but somewhat effective for a noob). I mean, it’s rather daunting how people seem to know every nook and cranny of this game like the back of their hand, and here I am poking about like a blind man in a lethal, unforgiving desert.

Maybe I should have taken this game more seriously when I was 16 and not tried to do this on the cusp of 45?

Under the sea

MARCH 13: Another day, another video of a person who makes this game look stupidly easy.

**sigh**

This ridiculous human somehow makes it through all eight worlds without getting hit once and clears the game in a little over 30 minutes. I don’t even know how that is possible. One part of me (the 16-year-old part of me) wants to stand up and applaud this person’s videogame virtuosity… another part of me (the middle-aged, super jealous part) wants to tell him/her to go the hell outside once in a while.

But, the videos seem to have the desired effect as I’ve upped my game a bit by making it through to World 2-4 and the second Bowser Imposter boss. Unfortunately, I died before besting him. I must say that I’m not super happy with the Retron 5’s controller for this game, and I think it may be holding me back. I realize that I now sound like my youngest brother who, back in the day, would almost always blame the controller and/or equipment for not performing well in a video game or sport.

Regardless, I’ve ordered a modded version (it has a thumbstick rather than a pressure pad, but the pad can be inserted back in if you wish) of the original NES Max controller off of eBay. I’m thinking this may up my game even further. Here’s hoping, at least!

MARCH 16: The NES Max controller has arrived. It’s time to get real with this damn game.

And, lo and behold, the controller does make a difference. The first game I played with it, I got all the way up to World 4-1 before running out of live Marios.

My best performance to date; I’m just about halfway to rescuing my princess…

MARCH 17: My next play-through, I decide that I’m just not messing around any longer. Bowser is going down. Hard.

Within a couple of hours I’ve made it all the way up to World 7-2, which is the second water level…and that completely and totally busts my groove. Why put five damn Worlds between water levels?! I’d like to punch Miyamoto-san right in face for doing this. I lose three Marios on this level, and that’s that for today.

The shirt of victory

MARCH 18: It’s Friday night…just got paid…and I have date with an Italian plumber. And this little punk is going to taste victory tonight. I even bought a special shirt for the occasion.

Right out of the gate, I have some difficultly getting into a groove for whatever reason, and I’m a few hours in before I get a serious run going. I have six Marios when I hit the dreaded water world at 7-2. I lose three, but make it through this time. I hope that my remaining three will be enough to get me through to the real Bowser at World 8-4. Since I’ve never made it past 7-2 before, I have zero idea where any extra Marios are hiding, so I’m going to have to be extra careful as I move along. This won’t be as tight as when I beat Final Fantasy VII with two measly hit points left (an epic tale for another time…), but it will still be quite the challenge, I’m sure.

Somehow, I make it to 8-4 with all three Marios left, but the pipe maze puzzle at the end confuses and flusters me a bit (plus there’s another water part which is short, thank God), and I die twice, leaving only my last Mario when I finally make the mad dash at “real” Bowser. All the practice on the Imposter Bowers definitely helps here and I dodge his fire and hammer torrent with ease. I jump for the axe (I assume? I only grabbed seven others…and why the hell is there an axe precariously propped up like this in eight Worlds? Because video games, I guess.); the drawbridge falls away, and Bowser takes a lava bath.

BOOYAAA! A winner is me!

So, at 12:46 AM on Saturday, March 19, 2016 I have beaten my first Mario game. It only took me 30 years…and the 18 hours or so that I actually played the game. Overall, I enjoyed the experience, and I’m glad I finally did it but, ultimately, I realize these games aren’t my bag. I’m going to solider on though with Super Mario Bros. 3, considered by many to be the best video game of all time. I don’t think I’m going to agree with that assessment when I’m done, but you never know. Here’s hoping it surprises me!