Have you ever eaten KFC’s Double Down, Bringer of Coronary Thrombosis, Destroyer of Arteries? If you haven’t, well, lemme tell you — it’s simultaneously terrible and glorious.

America’s tipping point for ridiculously fattening food creations was designed in the lowest rungs of the food Netherworld in 2010, in the form of a monstrosity that is two different kinds of melted cheese, bacon and secret sauce sandwiched in between deep fried chicken fillets. When it made landfall in Singapore two years later, KFC kept it Halal by using turkey bacon and mayonnaise instead. Not that it made it any healthier, mind you.

As you can imagine, eating that much sodium, grease and fat in one sitting produces expected side effects like food coma, meat sweats, extreme disgust towards oneself and a hatred of mankind for allowing the Double Down to exist. But by Odin’s beard does it taste fucking awesome.

The latest KFC monstrosity to rear its deep fried head in Singapore wants to replicate that decadence. Behold the KFC Chizza: an (un)holy fusion of pizza and fried chicken that’s all chicken and no crust. All killer, no filler.

As expected, fast food ads always translate well in the looks department. Who wouldn’t want to embrace a pizza made with a chicken fillet base? Reality hits you hard though, because it arrived IRL looking like puke in a box.

Photo: Coconuts Media

But nah dudes, I’m being too harsh. Here’s another one (son, I ordered three boxes), that looks like a perfect Valentine’s Day present. For couples who found true love over 11 herbs and spices and deep-fried heart-shaped things.

Photo: Coconuts Media

Let’s break it down.

Portion

Photo: Coconuts Media

It was the size of a fucking hand, and I’m just talking about the Chizza box. Inside was an even smaller item — tinier than a personal pan pizza. But it’s alright, size doesn’t determine the quality of taste, as learnt by years of experience with atas-yet-aggressively-selfish cuisine. It was a big enough portion to gently slice into quarters for easier munching.

Appearance

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Let’s be honest, it looks nasty. Not that I expected anything less — KFC doesn’t exactly get international awards for food plating (re: KFC Famous Bowl). Actually, this shouldn’t even be a judging criteria because, again, it’s junk food and you don’t go to fast food restaurants expecting sophistication. If you’re lucky, you might even get something that turned out perfectly like the heart-shaped one I received.

Taste

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Ah, the most crucial element. The Colonel’s greatest gift to mortals it ain’t, because it tasted exactly like how it looks like — a deep-fried chicken breast fillet with tomato sauce, cheese, chicken ham and pineapple chunks sprinkled on top.

The meat was a tad dry, but it did a good job of taking the place of a pizza crust, I suppose. The cheese was generous enough, and there were supposed to be two variations of it (mozarella and cheese sauce), but I couldn’t tell the difference. The ham might as well be absent because it didn’t add anything else to the flavour except the presence of an extra layer of mystery meat. The pineapple is already a highly polarising topping on normal pizzas, but according to KFC Singapore, we can actually order Chizzas without ’em.

All in all, it tastes like a simple pizza your mum would make at home, but with KFC-flavoured chicken as its base. Definitely not as heavy as the Double Down (Bringer of Coronary Thrombosis, Destroyer of Arteries), and definitely contains none of the guilt that comes with it. Overall verdict: It’s ehh. But try it at least once though — it’s not everyday you get a fancy/foolish fast food creation such as the Chizza.

Grove: Coconuts Brand Studio

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