EAST LANSING, MI—According to a report published Wednesday by researchers at Michigan State University, staying past the fifth inning of 83 percent of baseball games is usually pretty pointless. “After about five innings, you’ve basically had the whole baseball experience,” said the study’s leader Michael Kernfield, who added that remaining at a baseball game until the ninth inning is completely impractical 99 percent of the time. “You’ve seen some pitches, you’ve seen some outs, and maybe you’ve seen some hits. At that point, you can tell who’s going to win, and if you can’t, who cares? It’s hot out and traffic’s only going to get worse later. Best to just get out of the parking lot, get home, and enjoy a nice, relaxing evening.” The same report revealed that watching even one inning of a Kansas City Royals game was invariably “a colossal fucking waste of time.”

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