Add ornate headers and comments

Comments are the first thing people see when they look at your source code. Use an ASCII art generator to make a great first impression.

Reinvent the wheel, poorly.

A premium software developer would never let some “common” open source library of the proletariat interact with their own code. For example, John Resig has to go and GIVE JQUERY AWAY FOR FREE. Free is for poor people. Maybe, one day, Resig will be able to command a salary for his work, but for now stay away. Roll your own jQuery alternative instead.

var $ = document.querySelectorAll;

This is 90% of the jQuery library. The rest is bloat and unit tests.

Use Roman Numerals

Create the following global vars in your JS

I = 1;

V = 5;

X = 10;

L = 50;

C = 100;

D = 500;

M = 1000;

Now use them wherever possible. This might prove tricky when working with arrays because the Romans had no concept of zero.

for (var i = I; i<=X; i+=I) {

console.log('ad altiora tendo', i);

}

Functional Programming is IN

Nothing says “intellectual” like functional programming. “But I use functions all the time?” Not like this. Not like this…

const five = 5;

const three = 3;

const eight = add(five, three);

If you think that example was stupid, then obviously you’ve never used LISP.

Apply principles of typographic design

Make a bold statement by horizontally centering a single line of code and surrounding it with 40 carriage returns

Use non-Latin characters in variable names (D3.js does this)

Right justify sections of code

Insert comments in between arithmetic operations

Instead of descriptive comments, use vaguely appropriate passages from Dante’s Inferno

Block users who aren’t using an Apple device

This really doesn’t even need an explanation