The return of the blue British passport, announced last week, has produced an outbreak of jingoism among sections of the Tory party – and a vast ocean of indifference around the world. Michael Fabricant, a “true blue” Conservative MP, spoke of his unconfined joy. Brandon Lewis, the immigration minister, said it would help Britain “restore our national identity and forge a new path in the world”. Theresa May called the new passport “an expression of our independence and sovereignty, symbolising our citizenship of a proud, great nation”.

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The Sun, predictably, hailed the decision as a “stunning Brexit victory for the Sun”. The new design would have the Queen’s “Dieu et Mon Droit” printed on its front page, the paper triumphantly reported – ignoring the fact the EU passport already has that. And never mind the words are still in French. Even those unlucky under-30s who have only ever known the EU’s lesser maroon version would have their patriotic juices set flowing by this sublime regression.

What piffle, as old Etonians might say. Yet this very British piece of puerile chauvinism is a phenomenon worth examining. It speaks to a largely imagined era of global imperial glory, inflated and magnified by time. Older British “subjects” (now “citizens”) who owned the pre-1988 passport will recall an outsize, cardboard-fronted slab. Its dirty blue cover quickly turned grubby and smudgy with use. But forget such unpatriotic facts… or risk a fake news firing squad of Twitter trolls. All this delusional tub-thumping is unworthy. It points to a chronically fragile, fragmented national self-esteem. Who else in the world relies on a mere travel document to validate self-worth?

What is this all about? It was the Sun’s headline about a “Brexit victory” that truly gave the game away. Like this year’s grand cinematic leap into the past, Dunkirk, which perpetuates the myth that Britain’s military defeat in 1940 was somehow a triumph, those leading the Brexit retreat-cum-rout on this side of the Channel grab desperately at patriotic straws. The upcoming royal wedding fantasy starring Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be used as a similar distraction.

And if England win the World Cup next summer, Brexit will surely be the reason. You can see it now: “Top of the world! Harry Kane’s stunning extra-time Brexit winner!” After our full-time, real-time drubbing in the phase-one EU talks, any supposed or imagined national success, however minor and specious, will serve.

A blue passport will not assuage Britain’s identity crisis – it symbolises it. It will not somehow re-anchor Britain in the world or restore lost British power and influence. Rather, it sets us further apart and further adrift. Like a new £3bn Royal Navy aircraft carrier holed beneath the waterline, Britain is slowly sinking beneath the weight of its un-splendid isolation. Rarely, if ever, since the dark days of Dunkirk has the country been so friendless and so alone.

Take the deteriorating state of relations with Britain’s principal ally, the US. Donald Trump’s attempted travel ban on Muslim countries, his divisive stance on issues of race and religion and his dangerously confrontational approach to North Korea and Iran have put him at odds with British policy and British values. His latest, deliberate provocation – the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital – has brought an open rift.

When May spoke to Trump last week, the two leaders were reduced, almost, to wishing each other a happy Christmas. On that they could agree. On Russia, on climate change, on free trade, on Trump’s tweeted support for British racists and on the Middle East peace process, there was little or no agreement at all. It’s painfully obvious that Trump’s unwanted visit to Britain next year is just another massive headache for May.

The insulting behaviour of Trump and his ambassador, Nikki Haley, during last week’s UN debates on Jerusalem was indicative of how much trouble the “special relationship” is in. Behaving like some third-rate political hack in House of Cards, Trump responded to almost universal criticism with an onslaught of bad temper, tantrums and bullying. It has been said before, but the US president behaves like a spoilt child when thwarted. By defying him, twice, Britain is now on the roster of names Haley says will be used to exact pay-back.

How idiotic for the US to behave in such a way. And how counterproductive. Trump lost both the UN votes by massive margins, the US lost friends and respect and May lost more ground in her attempt to maintain a functional relationship. This is hardly her fault. Yet when set against other major international challenges facing Britain, it is deeply damaging.

One such challenge is Russia, the recipient of a much-postponed visit last week by Boris Johnson, the foreign secretary. Unsurprisingly, given Johnson’s bumbling incoherence and Vladimir Putin’s mute malevolence, it did not go well.

May reeled off a long list of British grievances with Russia last month, ranging from Syria to its covert efforts to influence democratic votes in Britain, France, Germany, the US and elsewhere. Johnson duly delivered the message. But all he got for his trouble was a contemptuous brush-off. Is it normal for a senior minister to be treated with such mocking disdain? No, not in the past. But nowadays, Britain is a much diminished player on the international stage. And the Russians know it full well, even if the Tories do not.

Which brings us, unhappily, to the third, shaky leg of the international tripod – Britain’s relations with Europe and the EU. British statesmen from Churchill onwards recognised the vital importance of balancing the American connection and keeping Moscow at bay, through strong ties to the continent. Not so this current generation of Tory Brexit wreckers. Indulging what Tony Blair calls nostalgic nationalism, they conjure illusory pipe dreams of a past that never happened and a future that will never materialise. The French scorn us, the Germans shake their heads. Even well-meaning friends in places such as the Netherlands and Denmark no longer know what to say. They feel embarrassed for us and betrayed, too.

The first-phase deal struck at this month’s EU summit on citizens’ rights, Northern Ireland and the divorce bill was not so much a compromise as a capitulation. May, David Davis and colleagues wasted more than a year defending indefensible positions detached from political reality. Inevitably, they were forced to fold. The Tory spin on this – namely, that May has achieved a breakthrough and strengthened her premiership – is yet another manifestation of Britain’s chronic addiction to delusional politics. For their next trick comes the absurd claim they can somehow win an EU trade deal that does not seriously degrade Britain’s economy. Dream on.

Cosying up to China’s hard-nosed, authoritarian leadership, as Philip Hammond and David Cameron propose, will not restore Britain’s fortunes and independence. Making nice with unpleasant, undemocratic governments such as Poland’s, where May visited last week, or the Saudi bombers of Yemen will not do so, either. Under this government, Britain has wholly lost its way in the world. It has forgotten what it stands for. It has no clue where it is heading. And who needs a passport, of any colour, when you have nowhere to go?