David Davis aiming to deliver Brexit deal that disappoints absolutely everyone

Brexit Minister David Davis has outlined his plan to deliver a Brexit deal that ensures everyone is unhappy with it, regardless of how you voted in the referendum.

Speaking in the Commons Davis told MPs, “Let me be clear, Brexit means Brexit, and as such, Brexit definitely means something very different to what you think it means.”

Davis then went on to explain the ways in which he will disappoint those keen to see what deal we eventually negotiate.

He told MPs, “If you voted Leave purely on the basis of stopping all freedom of movement for EU immigrants, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed for the next few years.

“If you voted Leave because you wanted us out of the EU ASAP, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

“If you voted to Remain because you wanted to retain a full say in how the European market evolves, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

“If you voted Leave because you don’t want British taxpayer money going to Brussels, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

“If you voted Remain because you wanted to retain unfettered access to the EU market, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

“All in all, I think we’re doing a sterling job of pissing off just about every single stakeholder group involved in the whole mess.

“On the plus side, we’ve finally managed to unite Remainers and Brexiters – in telling the government it’s doing a crap job.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt here!