Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but vaccinations are too much hassle, so it’s much easier to shoot some as an experiment and then we can see what effect this has on the rest of the population.”

Fellow badger leader Manky Kevin warned that further slaughter may be necessary, but on the plus side he stressed that it would be scientific and humane.

“Moving on, we’re proposing a broader cull but can assure people that it will be conducted scientifically,” he said, stereotypically wisely. “So we suggest that the cull is restricted to a geographical region around Heathrow, let’s say Middlesex to start with. Once we’ve wiped out a couple of million, we can take stock.”

“The cull will have no real significant impact on human population numbers as there are millions of them out there. In the long run I’m sure they’ll thank us.”

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