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I would love to be able to tell you that the headline for this article was a bad joke. No one could possibly be dumb enough to feel the need to fact check President Trump’s boast that the burgers at the White House dinner with the Clemson Tigers were stacked “a mile high.” A just and righteous God couldn’t possibly allow stupidity of such monumental proportions to exist in this world.

I would love dearly to be able to reassure you. To tell you that the following is all just a poor attempt at humor on my part.

But this is 2019…and this is the Washington Post:

As Trump repeatedly makes clear, it is indeed a lot of food, but perhaps not a lot of food in the context of a hungry college football team. In his comments, he claims that there are 300 burgers in total, which are obviously joined by a number of salads, chicken nuggets and, on a separate table under a heat lamp, fries and pizzas. It raises a perhaps obvious question: Exactly how much did all of this cost the president?

The article in question is titled “President Trump’s extravagant, $3000, 300-sandwich celebration of Clemson Universtiy,” and is written by Phillip Bump. Phillip is a man who like many of us looked at photos and videos of President Trump’s fast food feast and heard the president’s boast that the burgers were stacked a mile high.

Phillip Bump then felt the need to spend almost 1,000 words (972 to be exact), two tweets, two pictures, and an honest-to-God mathematical table to determine the exact cost and number of burgers that President Trump purchased.

Why?

You’ll have to ask Mr. Bump, although I’d wager even he would struggle to answer that question.

You can click the link above to read the entire article if you choose to waste half an hour or so of your life. I really wasn’t kidding when I said it was almost 1,000 words. This WaPo article that literally fact checks a common idiom thrown around casually by just about everyone in America is way longer than it needed to be.

I’ll save some time for those of you who have better things to do (doing laundry, spending time with your loved ones, staring blankly at an empty wall while you question the existence of God and whether it’s really worth it living in a world that would allow this sort of journalistic abomination to exist), and just cut right to Bump’s conclusion:

FACT CHECK: At two inches each, a thousand burgers would not reach one mile high.

Thank God that we have people like Phillip Bump to tell us that the amount of burgers that President Trump purchased for the Clemson Tigers did not, in fact, reach one mile into the sky.

Thank…f*cking…God…

H/T to Professor Jacobson at Legal Insurrection