twentyonelizards:

my boyfriend and I sometimes struggle to be on the same page when it comes to comforting- often i just want to vent and don’t need advice, whereas validation confuses him and he wants a plan of action

to counter this, we’ve come up with a system where we ask: “do you want advice, empathy, both or neither?”

if it’s just advice, i know to go straight to action points and not spend time on fluffy words

if it’s just empathy, he knows i want to be reassured and comforted and that’s all

if it’s both, it’s time for advice that recognises how hard the situation is and is perhaps gentler in nature

if it’s neither, just a hug is really good

i recommend trying to use this in your lives! it makes sure you’re giving and getting what you need, and reduces the risk of resentment or similar