One of the most frustrating things about feminism for me has been when I raise a critique or disagreement with some point of ideology, and people perceive me as male and then dismiss my criticism and read negative intentions into my action, claiming I’m just being misogynistic.

I identify more with women than men (i.e. I feel more woman than man, internally, although I feel more agender than either), and always have since as young as I remember. I don’t hate women, never have, never will. If anything, over my life I’ve felt more tension towards men than towards women, although for the most part I don’t feel tension with whole groups of people so much as I feel tension about specific behaviors that specific people have engaged in. I always have identified strongly with women’s struggles, and I notice sexism against women around me in society in ways that I think a lot of cis men don’t.

So like when people attack me on these grounds, it’s ridiculous. But I don’t know how to defend myself in these spaces, especially when people gang up on me.

When I am open about being trans and nonbinary in feminist spaces, I risk opening myself up to attack and dismissal from TERF perspectives. I’ve had people say things like: “Nonbinary isn’t a real thing. You’re just saying you’re nonbinary as a way of recasting your male privilege as oppression.” Even though it’s been a minority of people who have said these things, my experiences of being assumed male, and then lectured at (sometimes even yelled at or condemned/attacked) are super common. People usually just see my body, which looks male, and assume I’m male and then make a whole series of assumptions on the basis of that, and those assumptions can include a huge series of gross untruths.

In these situations I often shut down because any disagreement just turns me being subjected to a barrage of insults or shouting. Usually the only solution I’ve found has been to withdraw from a group and never go back. When I’ve tried reaching out privately to individual people in the group, it hasn’t gone well. I also have unfriended a lot of people on Facebook because of these things.

I’ve even received sexual and harassing messages from self-identified feminists on the internet. There have been times when I’ve turned anonymous asks off on my Tumblr because of these. I often know that it’s going to happen if I post a reply that disagrees with a radical feminist post on my dash, I’m like, I sort of brace myself for the barrage of hate that may ensue.

It’s creepy.

I would like to heal my wounds but I think I am not going to ever feel comfortable in feminist spaces unless people actively reach out to me and convince me that I’m welcome and convince me that their group is truly inclusive of nonbinary people, and does not welcome or accept the sorts of hateful and transphobic behaviors that I’ve described in this post, and that the group would protect me from these sorts of attacks and would, if necessary, shut down and kick out people who advocate for or engage in that sort of hate. That’s what I would need in order to ever feel comfortable in feminist spaces.



And more than anything I need people to listen to me and to hear my story and acknowledge my pain and the awfulness of some of the things that have been said and done to me in the name of feminism.