They are literally there to help you and serve your every need. The moment you step foot into an Apple store, you are bombarded with a bunch nerdy dudes named like “Steve” or “Dan” dressed in blue tee shirts and beyond eager to assist you. They genuinely want to know how your day is going and how THEY can make it better. IS THIS A DREAM?

They’re the best listeners. You can come in hysterically crying and stuttering from stress because your iPhone just erased every photo you took since 2008 and/or has stopped receiving text messages, and these guys will a) allow you to finish your messy rant in peace b) calmly assess the situation and often find a mind-blowingly simple solution to your problem c) won’t judge you for any of your stupid questions along the way (or if they are judging you, they hide it incredibly well and that’s like almost as good as not actually judging you).

They have a safe and reliable wardrobe. They’re certainly not going to win any awards for “best dressed,” but there is something very comforting knowing that no matter what kind of crazy stuff is going down outside of the store, you can count on your favorite nerdy dudes and their color-coordinated tee shirt/semi-malfitting blue jeans/worn-out chucks clothing combo. Sure, there is nothing alternative or “sexy” about what they’re sporting everyday, but the consistency in their outfit choices is somehow soothing. And who doesn’t want to feel more soothed? Not this girl.

They are geniuses. I mean, they even have a “genius bar” just to remind you of this fact. These studs know how to take a computer apart and then put it back together like it’s no big deal. That’s hot.

They’re clean. Based on the cleanliness of the store, it’s safe to say these guys aren’t strangers to a bottle Windex or a pack of Clorox wipes. And not to sound creepy (too late!), but their hands are really well manicured. I’ve noticed. And if they’re sporting a ‘stache, a beard or some sort of goatee-esque growth, they do a great job of making sure these manly pieces of facial art don’t get too out of control. Well kempt and employed? Check please!

They’re really happy. And that shit is contagious. It’s their job to shower you with kindness and make sure that you’re “finding everything okay.” I dare you to show me one guy working at that store that doesn’t have a giant grin plastered onto his face. Contrary to popular belief, THIS is the happiest place on earth and I plan to loiter around the iPhone cases until I’ve been greeted by as many of these guys as it takes for me to meet my “happiness quota” for the day.