Hey! It's me! The person you sat next to in Mrs. Rathge's Grade 8 Science Lab and have had literally no in-person interaction with since! I was wondering if you wanted to join the pyramid scheme I've sunk $7,000 into and have no hope of recovering!

It might seem a little out of the blue for me — a human being you should, at best, vaguely remember — to be reaching out to you. But I'm copying and pasting this Facebook message for a very important reason: I have the greatest opportunity in the history of the world and I want YOU to be a part of it! Yes, YOU — a person about whom I know next to nothing beyond your taste in pop-punk bands circa 1999 (Still like Blink-182? Lol).

I am fortunate to be a Gold-level licensed distributor and/or network marketer and/or some other ambiguous title that for legal reasons can't be called "salesperson" for HerbaBoost. Or is it NutriSpike? HerbaJump? If not that, certainly something like that. They change their name every time the feds investigate them, so it's hard to keep track.

Point is, I'm currently recruiting new dealers and/or subordinates and/or flunkeys to join my personal distribution team. This is a chance to get in on the ground floor with a dynamic nutritional supplement and/or essential oils and/or healing crystal business for the low, low cost of your entire life savings. How exciting for you!

You might be thinking this sounds like the type of pyramid scheme they warn you about on the news. But the great thing about this particular pyramid scheme is that it definitely isn't one. HerbaBoost (or was it VitaBang?) is different from a pyramid scheme in that it's a multilevel marketing business where the levels get wider toward the base and come to a point at the top — which makes it, if anything, a Triangle Scheme.

Whereas those other companies are illegal and predatory, HerbaBoost (OmniNutriZoom?) is a barely legal and not-at-all predatory business model where you recruit new representatives who then sign up their own underlings and so on, until every living creature on the planet works for you! How much money you make is limited only by how you interpret the concept of a "limit" on a metaphysical level!

But the best part of joining HerbaBoost (MetaVitaSurgeBounce?) isn't the millions of dollars you'll make working 10-12 hours every month — it's being a member of the HerbaBoost (PolyNutriRevitaHealth?) family! What you'll lose in money and time, you'll gain in attending seminars and crafting a new identity where you become HerbaBoost (TransBioHerbaVitaSurge?). Even if you end up with hundreds of crates of unsold supplements lining your basement like me, you can find success in the satisfaction of being part of such a dynamic community — which you'll need after you've alienated all your real friends and family for trying to push them onto HerbaBoost in the first place.

Or was it NutriPuraMegaBoom?

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