Not trying to sound rude here, but why do you think you should be a woman?

Interesting wording. I’ve gotten a lot of people asking why I “want to be a woman” or why I “think mutilating myself will make me one” or even more hurtfully worded questions. But I don’t think I’ve ever been asked why I should be a woman. I think what I notice most is the way the word “should” almost implies that the expected state is “should not”, after all, if the answer was self-evident, the question wouldn’t need to be asked.

But I will give you the benefit of the doubt and answer candidly anyway. :)

Now, I could list a bunch of girly things I enjoy on that irrational level reserved for moments of squee. Or I could talk about all the little things in my past that that were feminine. But when I think back on those moments, it’s like watching a cop drama: my memories are like pieces of evidence that make the audience shout, “See! There’s the proof!” yet for some reason, the cop can’t put it all together until the end. But when I talk about those moments in my life, they—like the evidence in the cop drama—are cherry picked for maximum impact out of the bland morass of day-to-day life which was quite masculine.

In the end, those really only serve as reminders that I always was this way somewhere beneath, but none of them are themselves the reason I should be anything. After all, if it was about doing feminine things and behaving effeminately, I could just as easily be an effeminate man.

All I can really say is that it’s more than just that. I didn’t do this just to be permitted to behave a certain way by society’s standards. This isn’t about clothes or who I have sex with. I can’t really explain how I knew, I just did. I knew since I was six years old when I told my parents the first time. I felt that oily film that deceitfulness leaves on the skin every time I bit my tongue and clenched my fists to keep from giving someone a hug out of fear of them thinking it was something sexual.

Perhaps it’s best to say then that I didn’t know why when I made my decision to transition. I just knew that I needed to.

After I decided, after the weight was lifted or the sky cleared or insert-your-own-metaphor-here, I realized how truly unhappy I was before. I had just gotten so comfortable with that unhappiness that I stopped really questioning it. I knew I wasn’t able to be as happy as others, or as sad as others, or as angry as others, and I had accepted that was my fate.

But once I began hormone replacement therapy, that changed radically. I could feel for the first time in what felt like ages. I could cry about things that made me upset. I could laugh until I was ready to throw up at something that before would have been mildly amusing. I could get angry without having been pushed so far that it automatically meant violence as well.

Before, I was living in muted pastels, and now I’m living in neon. :)

So, the happiness I feel now is absolutely why I should. I believe everyone should have a chance to feel this fulfilled, whether it’s through a gender transition, a career change, therapy for bipolar disorder, finding a loving partner, having children, whatever. :)