“Those memories have not disappeared with your relationship status,” Ms. Luterman said. “You deserve to continue to value them. You look attractive in that photo, you did go zip-lining, your costumes actually were amazing, your bravery that day was due to each other, your meals really were delicious, your laughing was real.”

Playing the role of a partner or a spouse is a significant chunk of a person’s identity and that’s O.K. — but it means much of our suffering is tied to our inability to operate outside of that frame. A breakup presents an opportunity to finally learn to accept yourself on your own.

“What’s common is for people to believe that if they were ‘more’ — a better person, more attractive, more successful, sexier, funnier or simply a more lovable human being — their partner would have loved them enough and it would have been a good relationship,” said Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love.”

Channel negative energy

Taking care of oneself looks different for everyone, so listen to your needs. Think of picking up a hobby without having any immediate expectations, or tackling a project you’ve been putting off for years without putting the pressure of completion on yourself.

“Being happy as a person on your own sets the groundwork for being the best you in other relationships, including romantic and platonic relationships,” said Dr. Michele Kerulis, counseling professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

“When people decide what happens in advance, it can be upsetting and anxiety provoking when it doesn’t pan out,” Dr. Bobby said.

Center your recovery on yourself. Bad-mouthing your ex might feel cathartic, but it’s not going to help you heal in the long run. Instead, Dr. Bobby suggests alternate outlets like exercising or writing. Finding a physiological release through experiential activities helps make sense of confusing emotions like anger, grief and guilt.