The night was still young when this man walked into the bar, pulled out a stool and snapped his fingers at the barman. My brother and I were dipping our fingers into the cold bowl of soup, hoping to find the last few shreds of the delicious yet expensive catfish in the peppersoup we had contributed money to buy that Friday evening.

The barman approached, and the new visitor asked for a lager. He said 'lager'. Nobody ever says 'lager.' We instantly realized we were looking at a man who had left this country before.

'E be like say this man don go yonder before,' I said solemnly, tipping my head slightly to indicate the person I was referring to.

My brother nodded keenly. We were always fascinated by people who had travelled abroad before, and we were always eager to hear the life experiences of the IJGBs (short for 'I Just Got Back's, people who went to suckle on the enlarged teats of Mother Abroadina, and who had the boldness to return on Christmas, sharing gifts like real-life Santa Clauses before returning in the early days of January to the beautiful snow-white lands of the abroad.)

'E fit dey carry dollars so,' said my brother, and I could see the glint in his eye. I began to suspect that he paid his part of the catfish peppersoup money with stolen funds.

'No,' I said carefully. 'See the man. Na sharp guy. E go don change am to correct Naija coins. Na this kind person dey get money abroad dey fly bike kaakiri for Nigeria.'

And so we listened to the man's conversation with someone on the phone. It bored us quickly. No talk of 'containers' or 'export' or 'delivering the package.'

##Related: See How Easy It Is To Get Cheap Flights Out of Nigeria

So I sidled closer to the man, until I was close to his shoulder. I could almost breathe the remaining obodo air on him before he turned around in irritation.

'WHAT? ARE YOU TRYING TO ROB ME?'

'N-no no oga,' I stammered, fear expanding my eyes unexpectedly. 'I just wan ask small question.

'What?' He asked again, his palm cupping his right buttock as he felt to see that his waller remained where it was.

'Oga, no vex. But I see that you have travelled out of Nigeria before and I'd like to know how you did it.'

Perhaps he was impressed by my English, but he paused to consider. Then he sighed.

'If I had a dime for every time I was asked that question...'

'Abeg sah.'

Sigh again.

'Do you have a jotter?'

Of course I did. I was born ready for this moment.

How to Travel Outside Nigeria: As Narrated By An Expert

Hack One: Marry Someone 'Overseas'

'Why do you want to leave our Motherland?' the man asked me, a look of amusement draped across his brown face.

'They say I can buy Range in Nigeria with the money I make from cleaning Morgues in New York,' I said, feeling flushed all of a sudden.

He merely laughed.

'Ah, why the hell not?' - then he took a swig from his drink - 'I'll show you.

'Are you married?'

'Yes.'

'You're going to have to get married again?'

'Why?'

'You need to get married to someone abroad, who can then arrange for you to meet then in the other country.'

'Wait. What?'

Then he explained it to me briskly. It doesn't matter if the marriage is arranged or formed out of 'true love'; if I could find someone in America or in the UK who would agree to marry me, I could leverage on that to leave the country. I thought about my wife at home. That young, sad, woman who always complained that Junior needs money for PTA or toothpaste.

The idea looked promising. But I wanted to know more.

Hack Two: Put on a Suit and a Tie, and Become an Envoy

'Conferences,' he said.

'Sir?'

'What did you study in school?'

'Electrical engineering.'

'Hm. That will do. Use Google to find out the conferences slated to happen this year. Find out where they are happening. Enrol in as many as you can find. If you get invited, it's an easy matter to get a visa approval to travel to attend. This is one of the methods I used for my first few trips out of these brown shores.'

'Remarkable.'

I was learning so much.

Hack Three: Like Hack Three, But This Time Nigeria Sends You

'I hear of a few people who get out of the country this way.'

'What, like the president and the senators?'

'Exactly. Figure out a way to become a government delegate, and the country will pay to have you visiting other countries.'

My jotter was becoming full.

Hack Four: Go Back to School

'If all else fails, go back to school.'

'Sir?'

'You've only finished acquiring your first degree, yes?'

'Yes sir.'

'Then go for a Masters' program. Or a PhD, even. Apply for funding and once you qualify for a scholarship abroad, you can leave the country and study abroad.'

Hack Five: Apply for Permanent Residence

'Do you know you can emigrate to Canada if you can prove that you have a degree and a good job waiting for you there?'

'No, I did not.'

'Now you know.'

Then the gentle stranger paid for his drink, patted me on my shoulder, and disappeared into the darkness.

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