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Middle-Aged White Woman Gyrating Near Altar Just Like They Do In Kenya

52-year-old liturgical dancing sensation Grace Weaver confirmed this morning that she planned on gyrating like all hell during Mass “just like they do it in Kenya.”

“I’ve been a lifelong fan of liturgical dancing, but it wasn’t until I visited Africa that I truly fell in love with the art,” Weaver told EOTT as she practiced some of her moves. “You see what I’m doing? I’m hopping from one foot to the next as I clap my hands. It’s just like they do there. Now I gotta admit, I’ve studied under the tutelage of some of the most revered lit dance performers of our day, so my bar may be a bit high, but the way the Kenyans dance is, bless their dear little souls, is how you say, a bit off the mark. It’s archaic and a bit anarchic if you know what I’m saying.”

Weaver went on to say that her visit to Kenya was inspiring in that she was able to pick up a couple of moves and incorporate some of them in the more refined western liturgical dancing style she uses.

“So, for instance, what you’ll get during the Our Father tomorrow is a little Kenyan left foot, right foot hop, hop, hop with a little clapping thrown in, then I take it up a notch, a notch to heaven you could say. That’s where the good stuff comes in, when the real praise begins as I thrust my pelvis to and fro, stretch out my arm to God inviting him into our souls.”

At press time, Weaver is having a seizure, but no one can tell the difference.