ALL RIGHT PEOPLE ARE YOU READY TO STOP BEING LOSERS AND START BEING WINNERS? CAUSE ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER SET S H O T G U N! BEFORE STARTING THIS ARTICLE I RECOMMEND YOU SPEND SOME TIME LISTENING TO SOME SICK BEATS. HONESTLY THAT SONG IS THE SOUNDTRACK TO THIS ARTICLE SO HERES A LOOPED VERSION.

THIS TIME KIDDOS, WE ARE GOING TO EXPLORE WHAT IS POSSIBLY THE GREATEST VARIATION OF FATE YOU CAN BUILD. A DECK SO POWERFUL, THAT IT CAUSES YOUR AVERAGE TO ABOVE AVERAGE MANLY-MAN TYPE PERSON TO BE REDUCED TO A MERE JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL’S IN ITS PRESENCE. GET YOUR BUTTS READY, FRIENDS, FOR TODAY WE ARE GOING ON A MANLY JOURNEY THROUGH TIME ITSELF, TO ALLY OURSELVES WITH THE KING OF CONQUERERS (AND THAT ONE BITCH WITH THE TIDDY), CUZ TODAY WE’RE CRACKING OPEN THE BEAST THAT IS RIDER.DEK.

RIDER? I HARDLY KNEW HER!

OKAY SO IM SURE SOME PEOPLE AT HOME ARE ALL LIKE,

“Hey why would I make a Rider deck? ARTURIA PENDRAGON is my forever waifu and she has a moosushi clone. Also TOESUCKER RIN is my secondary waifu and her cards seem baller as shit. Even my tertiary waifu MEDEA has to have something good.” (SPOILER SHE DOESNT)

SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU FATE GAY/BITERS, BUT YOUR WAIFUS ARE ACTUALLY TRASH. FATE/STAY NIGHT IS ACTUALLY TRASH, TOO. MEDUSA-RIDER BARELY GETS THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING IN MY AWESOME DECK BECAUSE SHE IS OFFHANDEDLY SUPPORTED BY ALL THE OTHER DOPE RIDER CARDS, SO SHE IS LIKE THE MOST TOLERABLE PART OF FATE/STAY. BEFORE YOU WEEBS LIGHT AN UNHOLY FIRE UNDER MY OTHERWISE PERFECT ASS, LEMME SPLAIN YOU SOME STUFF ABOUT FATE FIRST.

IM NOT INTO CONTRIVED NONSENSE AND TEENS FUCKING.

REALISTICALLY, IF IM GOING TO COMPARE FATE/STAY AND FATE/ZERO, IM GOING TO SAY I HAD A MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE TIME WATCHING ZERO. ZERO WAS A CAREFULLY CALCULATED GRAIL WAR THAT ACTUALLY FELT LIKE A GOD DAMN WAR BETWEEN REAL FUCKING MAGES DOING REAL FUCKING MAGE SHIT (ASIDE FROM RYUUNOSUKE BUT LIKE GILLES DE RAIS DID ENOUGH SHIT FOR THE BOTH OF THEM SO ITS K). STAY IS LIKE ABOUT A BUNCH OF STUPID FUCKING KID WITH WRIST TATTOOS WHO ARE INTO BEING FUCKING STUPID AND CRYING.

HONEST TO GOD I EVEN JUST ENJOY THE SERVANTS MORE IN ZERO THAN I DO STAY, SO THATS SOMETHING. LIKE SERIOUSLY I JUST DONT FIND MUCH ENJOYABLE IN THE CHARACTERS IN STAY, OUTSIDE OF A SELECT FEW. SABER IS SABER IN BOTH SO THATS WHATEVER, GILGAMESH IS WAY SWAGGIER AND COOLER THAN EMIYA-ARHCER WILL EVER BE. HASSAN IS PROBABLY MORE BORING THAN KOJIRO, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUING I’LL SAY HES NOT. GILLES DE RAIS IS HAPPY FUNTIME SILLY WINGMAN WHERE MEDEA IS JUST A SPOOKY CHICK. I AM PRETTY SURE DIARMUID AND CU CHULAIN ARE LIKE THE SAME DUDE, BUT DIARMUID HAD TWO SPEARS AND THATS TWICE AS COOL AT LEAST. DIARMUID ALSO LOOKS LIKE ZOOLANDER SO COOL. LANCELOT IS COOLER THAN HERACLES BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T WANT PLANES AND CARS AS NOBLE PHANTASMS.

FINALLY WE’RE LEFT WITH RIDER. MEDUSA GOT TIDDY WHICH IS COOL, BUT HAVE YOU EVER MET ALEXANDER THE GREAT, OR ISKANDAR AS HE IS CALLED IN ZERO? THE ONE THING THAT I TOOK AWAY FROM WATCHING FATE/ZERO WAS THE WHOLE TIME, THE ONLY SERVANT I WOULD WANT FOR MYSELF IS ISKANDAR. THE DUDE WAS JUST SUCH A COOL AND CHARISMATIC DUDE, AND JUST SUCH A REAL AND HONEST PERSON. A LOT OF OTHER SERVANTS WERE SUPER CONNIVING OR JUST FUCKING DICK HEADS, BUT EVEN WHEN ISKANDAR AND WAVER DIDNT SEE EYE TO EYE HE WAS STILL A MAJOR BRO. WE’RE TALKING LIKE BROSEIDON KING OF THE BROCEAN IN THIS BITCH. THATS WHY HE IS MY FAVORITE SERVANT, AND WHY HIS DECK IS OBJECTIVELY THE BEST DECK IN FATE.

NOW BEFORE YOU CLOSE THIS ARTICLE, THOUGH IM SUSPECTING MOST PEOPLE HAVE BY NOW, PUT YOURSELF IN THIS SHORT NARRATIVE I HAVE WRITTEN, AND MAYBE YOU WILL RECONSIDER ISKANDAR IN YOUR HEART:

“Imagine yourself in a land that existed a long long time ago. Way before the 80s even. Long enough ago that people from history times are no longer thought of to be people from history times, because they are people from present times.

Now imagine yourself in a desert somewhere around the area known as Macedonia. You’re on a smelly as shit horse, and you’ve got some weird looking cut on your leg that hasn’t been treated correctly due to Neosporin not being invented. Basically you got some freaky virus from the past and you really not feeling alright. You also realize you don’t have all your teeth it seems, and you probably have some scar tissue in areas you’d rather not think about. Life basically sucks.

And then you realize that life doesn’t suck because you are riding into battle with him. He is the reason you keep fighting, he who’s charisma is so great, you can’t help but feel happy when you’re inches from death. It is him you will live for, and him you will die for(no homo), because he is your king. He is the King of Conquerors, Iskandar, and God damn he’s a cool motherfucker.”

DID IT WORK? OF COURSE IT DID! NOW LETS GET ON WITH THE SHOW.

IM GONNA ORGANIZE THE CARDS INTO 3 CATEGORIES. FIRST WE WILL TACKLE THE KING. THESE CARDS ARE OBVIOUSLY THE CARDS THAT REPRESENT BEST GIRL IKSANDAR. NEXT WE WILL HAVE HIS BITCHES. GIVEN THAT THIS IS A RIDER DECK, ITS ONLY FITTING TO HAVE SOME NUMBER OF MEDUSA CARDS INVOLVED. FINALLY, BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN, WE WILL HAVE HIS LOYAL SERVANTS AND THESE CARDS WILL JUST BE THE NON-RIDER CARDS THAT FATE HAS TO OFFER FOR THIS MONSTER OF A DECK.

AND I SAID BIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttcchh……

SO I LIED ABOUT THE ORDER WE’RE GONNA DO THINGS AROUND HERE, SO AS MUCH AS ID LIKE TO COVER ISKANDAR FIRST, I DONT THINK WE CAN IF WE WERE TO DO THIS PROPERLY. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, LETS MEET OUR FIRST PAIR OF BITCHES:

HOLY SHIT IS THAT A PICTURE? THATS RIGHT, WE HERE AT LUNCHBEFOREWS ACTUALLY READ SOME OF THE COMPLAINTS YOU PEOPLE HAD, AND DECIDED TO ONLY ADDRESS ONE OF THEM. ISNT THAT GREAT?

ANYWAYS, MEET STHENO AND EURYALE, OR AS THEY’LL BE KNOWN FROM NOW ON, TIA AND TAMERA. SO THESE LITTLE LADIES ARE THE SISTERS OF MEDUSA OR SOME SHIT, WHICH IS WHY THEY GIVE RIDER-NAME CARDS AN INTENSE STEROID BOOST, AND THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS CARD IS HOW THEY TURN ISKANDAR INTO A NIGH UNSTOPABLE TITAN OF A MAN. SLAP 2 OF THESE BITCHES IN THE BACKROW AND YOUR RIDERS CANT BE REVERSED BY CARD EFFECTS, GAIN 2,000 POWER, AND ALSO GAIN THE “DETRIMENT” OF CANT SIDE ATTACK. BUT REALLY WHO HAS TIME TO SIDE ATTACK WHEN YOU’LL JUST RUN OVER EVERYTHING THEY HAVE ANYWAYS. I MEAN, SURE YOURE ROBBED OF THE CHANCE TO SIDE FOR PRECISE DAMAGE, BUT WE’RE NOT GOING FOR LITTLE HITS, WE’RE GOING FOR FULL BLOWN FUCKING CONQUERING WITH THIS DECK.





IF YOU PLAY THESE CARDS U A SLAVE TO THE TIDDY AND I DONT PIDDY NO FOOL THAT WORSHIP TIDDY BLINDLY. THIS CARD IS A SHITTY FUCKING CLOCK KICK AND IM WARNING YOU BECAUSE U GONNA SEE THEM TIDDYS AND BE LIKE “O DAM WHERE CAN I GET A DOCTOR PEPPER CAUSE NOW IM THIRSTY.” THIS CARD IS JUST SADLY OUTCLASSED BY THE OTHER RIDER-NAME CLOCK KICK (WHICH IS AN ISKANDAR) SO SORRY MEDUSAFAGS, TODAY IS NOT YOUR DAY.

NOW ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS SOME TIDDY THATS WORTH RUNNING. WHILE AT FIRST SHE DOESNT LOOK IT, I FIND THIS MEDUSA VERY SERVICEABLE. COMBOING WITH A BAR IS REALLY NICE BECAUSE MORE CLIMAXES IN HAND = MORE CLIMAXES PLAYED = MORE SOUL RUSHES = MORE WINNING. HER ABILITY TO SACK A CHARACTER TO GAIN A CARD FROM YOUR CLOCK IS ACTUALLY MORE USEFUL THAN I ANTICIPATED AT FIRST. DESPITE THIS DECK BOASTING IMMENSE POWER FROM 1 AND ONWARDS, YOU CAN EXPECT STRAIGHT OUT THE GATE FROM ZERO TO HAVE SOME LOW POWERED STRAGGLERS AROUND. THIS RIDER LETS YOU SOUL-SACRIFICE THEM FOR THE GREATER GOOD OF ADDING SWEET CARDS TO HAND AFTER YOU FRONT WITH THAT LOWER-POWER CHARACTER AND IT GETS REVERSED. I WONT CALL IT THE MOST IDEAL OF PLAYS, BUT IT MAKES THE BEST OF AN AWKWARD SITUATION. ITS ALSO SOME SWEET ANTI-SHIMAKAZE TYPE EFFECT TECH, SINCE GOOD LUCK TO YOUR BOAT DAUGHTERS REVERSING 7K TO 9K WALLS WITH BACK UP SUPPORT. TOP FUCKING KEK

THIS CARD IS NOTABLE BECAUSE IN MOST SITUATIONS SHE WILL HAVE THE ABILITY “CANNOT SIDE ATTACK” 3 TIMES AND THATS REALLY FUNNY. I DONT KNOW WHAT CAN BE BOASTED ABOUT THIS CARD BEYOND BEING A 2/1 11K IN MOST SITUATIONS. MORE TIDDY IF YOU A FUCCBOI I GUESS, AND I KNOW YOU ARE.

SOME OUTDATED, BUT CUTE TECH IF YOURE INTO BEING A CHEEKY BASTARD. THE RIDER IN QUESTION IS JUST A VANILLA. BORING (YET STRONG AS HER BREASTS ARE SUPPLE). THE SAKURA, HOWEVER, IS AN ON THEME (ALBEIT SHITTY) BRAINSTORM. IF YOURE A GOOD CHEATER OR SACK THEN THIS CARD MIGHT BE YOUR SWEET TICKET. SHES A MILL 3 BRAINSTORM (WUT) AND SHE DOESNT CHECK FOR CLIMAXES (WUTT), BUT IF YOU MILL THE 2/1 VANILLA RIDER YOU THROW THAT BITCH INTO PLAY SO FAST THAT YOUR OPPONENT WILL HAVE TO ASK YOU WHAT HAPPENED (UUWWWAAAAAHHHHFHHDHHSHFDJFDKFD/??????)

EDITORS NOSE: INSERT CHEEKY NANDOS MEME HERE.

actual editor’s note: who’d y’all rather mana transfer with, Iskandar or Medusa? exactly.

THE KING AND I (BUT MOSTLY THE KING)

STARTING OFF WE HAVE THE LIFEBLOOD OF THE RIDER DECK. THIS 1/1 RIDER. NO, THIS ISN’T A JOKE. TAKE IT IN IN ITS VANILLA GLORIOUSNESS…

…

FINE ILL GO INTO DETAIL. IN MOST DECKS 1/1 VANILLAS SHOULDNT EVER BE AN OPTION. THE 7K BODY ITSELF IS PRETTY NICE, AND DO YOU KNOW WHATS NICER? TIA AND TAMERA PUMPING THIS BAD BOY UPTO A 1/1 9K. HOLY JESUS THIS CARD IS PRACTICALLY INSANE AT THAT POINT. OTHER THAN BEING OUR KING, HE IS CLOCK BONDABLE. CLOCK BONDS ARE PRETTY OP. WHILE LESS ABUSABLE THAN STOCK BONDS FOR SURE, THEY LET YOU JUST GET ESSENTIALLY FREE ADVANTAGE EARLY. COSTING YOU NO STOCK TO GET A CARD FROM YOUR GRAVEYARD IS FUCKING RETARDED AND DONT YOU EVER FORGET IT. THE WAVER IN QUESTION ALSO HAS AN ABILITY TO SEARCH FOR THIS EVENT FROM YOUR DECK. A COSTED PLUS IS NICE AS WELL, ITS BASICALLY GRAVY ON AN ALREADY PLAYABLE CARD. THE CARD IT SEARCHES IN QUESTION IS PRETTY FUCKING DOPE. “COMMAND SEAL” GIVES A SERVANT CHARACTER 4500 POWER AND IS A BACK UP, AND SINCE ALL YOUR ATTACKERS ARE SERVANTS, YOU WILL GET TO SHOW YOUR OPPONENT THAT YOU ARE THE FUCKING STRONG.

LOOK AT THAT SMILE. IT IS THE SMILE OF A MAN WHO YOU WANT TO LEAD YOU, ISNT IT? THIS RIDER IS REALLY SWEET. NOT ONLY DO YOU GET TO WEIGH YOUR MANLINESS AGAINST YOUR OPPONENT, BUT IF YOU COME OUT MANLIER THAN YOU OPPONENT, YOU GET FREE STOCK. ON OCASSION, THIS BAD BOY WILL ALSO KILL THEIR CLIMAXES WHEN HE ATTACKS, HIS SMILE IS JUST SO CALMING AND FRIENDLY THE OTHER DECK DOESNT EVEN WANT TO CANCEL. OTHER THAN HIS SILLY ABILITY BEING A 1/0 6.5K IS RELATIVELY SWEET, AS YOU SHOULD EXPECT HIM TO BE AT MOST TIMES.

HERE HE IS. THE CONQUERER IN ALL HIS GLORY, BATTLE CRY AND ALL. IF YOU THINK THAT PIECE OF SHIT MEDUSA CLOCK KICK EARLIER WAS RUNNABLE, THEN DOUBLE TAKE TO THIS SEXY BAD BOY. HE SELF BUFFS, HE CLOCK KICKS, AND IF THIS GET FROGGY, HE CAN TAKE ONE OF HIS BEST BUDS WITH HIM AWAY TO CONQUER SOMEWHERE ELSE AND THEN COME BACK TO CONQUER YOUR OPPONENT AGAIN ON YOUR NEXT TURN. IT IS MANDATORY YOU SAY THE FLAVOR TEXT WHENEVER YOU ATTACK WITH THE CARD. ITS UNWRITTEN TEXT THATS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, MARK ROSEWATER TOLD ME AND HE WAS HTE LEAD DESIGNER FOR FATE/ZERO.

SLAVES FRIENDS SHALL SERVE

NOW, THE REST OF THE DECK IS REALLY DYNAMIC I FIND. FATER STAY NACHT IS A REALLY DYNAMIC SET WITH LIKE ATLEAST 40 DECENT TO PLAYABLE CARDS, SO ITS REALLY UP TO THE PLAYERS PREFERENCES AS TO WHAT THEY WANT TO RUN. GENERALLY THERE ARE SOME CARDS ID LIKE TO XZIBIT THAT I FIND TO BE PRETTY IMPORTNAT (OR AT LEAST VERY BALLER) BUT IN THE END, TRY TO FIND SOMETHING YOU THINK YOU LIKE AND INSIST IT WORKS. THEN FORCE IT TO WORK OVER THE COURSE OF SEVERAL MONTHS OF FAILURE IN HOPES OF GAINING THE ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE OF YOUR PEERS. CARL, IF YOURE READING THIS, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY DECKS ARENT SHITTY, MACROSS FRONTIER AND SHINING FORCE EXA ARE JUST HIGH SKILL BARRIER SETS WITH EXTREMELY FARGILE GLASS CIELINGS.

SAZUSAKURAKATSUKI MAKES AN APPERANCE AS AN ALLSTAR IN A DECK THAT HAS A GREEN BACKBONE. ONE OF THE DUMBEST THINGS THAT THE DECK DOESNT HAVE GOING FOR IT IS THAT THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARENT EASILY SEARCHABLE. ACTUALLY THEY ARENT SEARCHABLE AT ALL. THIS LITTLE LADY, ASIDE FROM PROVIDING FREE BRAINSTORMS ALSO JUST HELPS YOU WIN GAMES BY GETTING YOU YOUR CRUTCH (I.E. TIA AND TAMARA) THIS EFFECT IS BROKEN. NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED, AND PLAY IT IN EVERY DECK YOU CAN. IM NOT. FUCKING. JOKING.

HEY ARENT 2500 COUNTERS COOL? KANTAI THIS THEYRE COOL. WAIT SHIT WHATS THAT? DIARMUID IS A SPLIT COUNTER? ANOTHER REASON FATE/ZERO IS AN INCREDIBLE PIECE OF WORK WHEN FATE STAY/NIGHT IS JUST A PIECE OF WORK. AN INCIREDIBLE COUNTER FOR THE RARE OCASSIONS YOUR DUDES ARE THREATENED. SINCE USUALLY ITS HARD FOR YOUR OPPONENT TO REACH EVEN CLOSE TO THOSE THRESHOLDS, THE SPLIT ENDS UP BEING REALLY USEFUL SINCE THE DEFENDING CHARACTER WILL OFTEN JUST NEED THE 1500 BOOST. TASTY.

ANOTHER OLD PIECE OF OUTDATED STUFF. THIS GILLES WAS PRETTY PIVOTAL IN THE DECKS HISTORY AS BEING YOUR ANSWER TO THE AGE OLD RIDDLE OF “HOW THE FUCK DO I GET MY TWINS OUT”. HE IS HOW YOU GOT YOUR TWINS OUT. HIS GLEEFUL EXPRESSION AND WHIMSY IS NO LONGER WELCOME IN THE DECK THOUGH, BUT I GUESS IF YOURE NOT A FAN OF THE 1/0 RIDER COMBO, HE IS AN ALTERNATIVE.

NO REAL SYNERGIES OR WHATEVER WITH THESE CLOWNS, THIS IS JUST WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE THE BEST SECONDARY FINISHER OPTION TO ISKANDAR CLOCK KICKS. RIN AND ARHCER IS AN OLD AND SOMEHOW POWERFUL CARD. LIKE SERIOUSLY NO ONE TOLD ME THEY MADE CARDS THIS GOOD BACK THEN. WHY THE FUCK WAS I PLAY CRAP LIKE KING OF FIGHTERS. A HEALER WITH A BURN ON ATTACK CLIMAX COMBO IS REALLY GOOD. LIVE WHILE THEY DIE, ETCETC. COMBOING WITH A PLUS TWO SOUL GIVES THIS PAIR A SWEET PLAY WHERE YOU CAN JUST SIDE WITH 3 OF THEM FOR 6 INSTANCES OF 1 DAMAGE, WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY MOSTLY STICK TO THEM LIKE RICE TO OTHER PIECES OF RICE. YOU CAN ALSO YOLOSWAGBALLS IF YOU WANT AND GO 1-4-1-4-1-4 BUT THATS DANGEROUS.

EDUTORS NOTES: PUT IN THAT AUSTIN POWER SMEME

OBVIOUSLY THERES MORE CARDS IN FATE THAN THESE, BUT THESE ARE THE FIRST OFF THEME CARDS THAT COME TO MIND WHEN I THINK OF THE RIDER DECK.

WOA WHATS THAT? IS THAT A SHITTY GIMMICK AHEAD?

BECAUSE I FEEL A GILGAMESH TAKEOVER COMING

Sup mongrels (and mongirls). Its me, Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, here to tell you why my level 3 is the greatest card available in Fate, and why you should be running it at all times. Simply put, look at me, I am beautiful, seriously, Tohsaka aint got nothing on me. Secondly, I am all powerful. What? Need an explanation? Thats fine, I wouldn’t expect a mongrel to understand true power. When my opponent uses a Noble Phantasm I use my pimp-sword, Ea, to stop them dead in their tracks. Or more simply put, in Weiss Schwarz terms, I have the ability to discard climaxes from my opponents climax zone, thus negating their powerful and game ending climax combos. I’m looking at you, To-LOVE-Ru Darkness. Alright bitches, Im out to eat grapes or do whatever kings do.

BUILDING A KINGDECK. OR A DECKDOM. OR SOMETHING.

SO, NOW THAT WE ARE ALL LOOSELY EDUCATED IN A SINGLE DECK ARCHETYPES CARD POOL WHAT DO WE DO NOW? DO WE BUILD OUR OWN DECK? OF COURSE NOT. THATS A JOKE. FEEL FREE TO STEAL THIS SWEET SAMPLE DECKLIST FOR YOUR OWN USAGE, BUT DONT FORGET TO CHECK OUT SOME OF FATE’S OTHER POWERFUL CARDS. I REALLY MEAN THIS, I THINK THE RIDER DECK HAS A LOT OF OPEN TECH SLOTS THAT MAKE IT VERY CUSTOMIZABLE AND DYNAMIC AS A DECK OUTSIDE OF THE CORE.

HAPPY CONQUERING FELLOW JUNIOR CONQUERERS, BUTTS AND COCONUTS GOTTA START A FIRE AT AN ANIME CONVENTION. CANT WIN A FLAMEWAR FROM BEHIND A COMPUTER SCREEN. FATE/ZERO FOR LIFE BITCHES.