Remember the early days of the smartphone business when we were all excited at the prospect of carrying around increasingly powerful pocket computers? Who knew that in a few short years we’d all turn into giant baby people who would complain about having to make a choice between their features like it was the worst thing that happened ever?

Writing for Boy Genius Report, Chris Smith complains “Apple is making me buy the iPhone 7 I don’t want.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Brian Williams.)

Now, as no one can “force” someone to buy a smartphone (well, in this country), you might be tempted to dismiss this as hogwash, but you can’t. Because the U.S. Department of Agriculture has standards for hogwash and this has way too many heavy metals in it to wash hogs safely.

Have you ever heard a hog scream? You do not want to hear a hog scream.

It’s early June, and the iPhone 7 is more than four months away. But like every year, we already know pretty much everything there is to know about it.

Actually, no! We suspect many things about the next iPhone, but we know nothing.

That’s why I already know that Apple is making me buy an iPhone I don’t want this year.

Chris needs a course in self-actualization.

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING, CHRIS. JUST BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE. THIS ISN’T IT. KEEP TRYING. NOPE. FURTHER. NO, YOU’RE… CHRIS, GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. CHRIS. OH, FOR…

This will be the third year in a row that Apple launches more than one iPhone model. … That’s assuming a 5.5-inch Pro model isn’t still on the cards [sic]…

We know everything there is to know about the new iPhones. Other than the things we don’t know.

…this year, things are changing more than I’d like them to, assuming rumors are accurate.

Wait, these are rumors? Remember all the way back in the first paragraph when we were so sure about the things we “knew”? Alas, the surety of youth fades and we are now in the middle age of this article. Time for it to have an affair and buy a boat.

Smith wants a 4.7 inch screen, but he wants the RAM and better camera of the Plus size. He’s not saying Apple is Hitler, however the inherent fascism of forcing someone to choose between two very nice smartphones is pretty obvious.

Of course, I could very well get the iPhone 7, or wait for next year’s model to roll out. And I could choose an Android phone. But then again, it's iOS that keeps me buying iPhones.

Oh, I have what you plebes might call “choices”, but choice is an illusion. Reality is an illusion. I am the last human, kept alive in an alien simulation. I know this now.

Also, the aliens keep popping their heads in to note that I am losing the simulation.

That said, things can change until September…

OH, COME ON. Do you literally not know the meaning of the word “know”? You obviously don’t know the meaning of the word “force”. That we’ve established.

There was probably a way to write this with the same headline by camping it up and making it funny. But this passive/aggressive reality bending isn’t it.