In 2010 Ukip laid out its policies in a 486-page manifesto compiled by a few delinquent party activists. Its proposals included introducing a dress code for taxi drivers, repainting trains in traditional colours, insisting on a proper dress code for theatre-goers, making the Circle line on London’s tube circular again, scrapping maternity leave, investigating racism against white people at the BBC, teaching schoolchildren about the roles of Arab and African countries in promoting slavery, and reintroducing capital punishment. Four years later, Nigel Farage admitted that the manifesto had basically been a load of nonsense and that he had never read it.

Just six weeks before their new manifesto is due to be launched, Tim Aker has either quit his post as Ukip’s head of policy or been sacked. Ukip insists the manifesto is still fully on track; if so, Aker is the only person who knows what is in it, and is keeping it a secret. No one else in the party apparently has a clue. With two sitting MPs and more hoped for in May, it is proving a great deal harder than expected for Ukip to come up with something credible, fully costed and which everyone can support. Douglas Carswell, Mark Reckless and Farage find it hard enough to agree on anything as it is: coming up with something that will appeal both to the neolibertarians and the former BNP members who make up its grassroots is a near impossibility.

So here’s my modest proposal.

Europe

Get out of it and stay in it. All international trade deals with EU countries will continue on exactly the same terms as if we were in the EU except we won’t be in it.

Immigration

The inbound section of the Channel tunnel to the UK will be closed, apart from on Sundays so that British expats can return from Spain. This will reduce net immigration levels to about 12.

Tax

Excise duty on booze and fags will be abolished. We’re not sure about any of the other taxes because we don’t really understand them. Sorry. But Ukip believes it is better to tell the truth about this than lie to the electorate.

Foreigners

Any foreigners who are already in the country with a UK passport can stay here providing they do all the low-paid jobs that any self-respecting True Brit wouldn’t get out of bed for.

Health

The NHS will remain free at the point of access providing everyone has paid enough into a new health insurance scheme. Every patient will have the right to choose the skin colour of their doctor.

Education

Each village will have its own grammar school and matron. Universities will not be funded to teach foreign languages or any other subjects – such as philosophy, sociology, art and English – that are inherently a bit cissy and therefore not very British.

Crime

There will be a policeman permanently stationed on every street corner to ensure that a person’s right to intolerance is rigorously enforced.

Defence

Martello towers along the south coast will be restored and equipped with the latest weaponry to ward off the threat of imminent invasion.

Promoting cultural awareness

All British people have to put aside their differences and remember to be a bit more British. To get the ball rolling, I have invited Robert Jaroslaw Iwaszkiewicz, the Polish Nazi who so kindly came to the party’s rescue last year by enabling us to access another £1m from the EU, to give an annual lecture reminding everyone the Holocaust wasn’t as bad as all that when you really think about it.