PETERBOROUGH – Local man Dave MacIsaac has been outbid by multinational food and beverage giant Nestlé, who have now secured the rights to the water which makes up 60% of his body.

A spokesman for Nestlé said the company had “no idea” the other bidder for the five-foot-eleven site was the same graphic designer inside whose body the water currently resides. While Dave is reported to have put in a respectable bid for his own body’s water after emptying his RRSP, he was ultimately outbid by the Swiss transnational currently valued at $181 billion.

“We feel that the life-giving waters inside of Dave are a solid investment, and are excited to launch our new Davsani brand of bottled water,” explained Nestlé chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe. “We at Nestlé also refuse to acknowledge water’s status as a human right, and that extends to the water inside of humans.”

The Nestlé Corporation, which already holds permits allowing it to take over 20 million litres of water per day from Ontario, plans to begin extracting water from Dave as soon as possible. With the province of Ontario charging merely $3.71 per million litres of water, Nestlé expects to pay $0.0001484 for the approximately 40 litres of water in Dave’s body.

For its part, Nestlé has expressed concerns over environmental conservation of Dave. “While we have no plans to tap Dave completely – at least not any time in the near future – we do encourage him to replenish his body’s fluids the natural way,” explained Brabeck-Letmathe. “And by ‘natural way’, I mean by purchasing and drinking Nestlé bottled water products.”

“Just one of the ways that we at Nestlé are very committed to sustainable recycling initiatives,” added Brabeck-Letmathe.

At press time, Dave was carefully studying the hundred page contract to determine when, if at all, he was permitted to urinate.