LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a moral objection to watching the NFL. “I was going to come out and say the league is indefensible due to its reaction to domestic abuse allegations, but then we drafted Minkah Fitzpatrick and signed Danny Amendola, so maybe I’ll see what happens first,” Abbott said, asserting that he would immediately take a vocal stance against the league by calling out its policies on social protests the moment the Dolphins hit a three-game losing streak. “The NFL’s response to CTE research has been abhorrent, and as soon as the Dolphins are statistically out of the playoffs, I’ll be boycotting them. I mean, how immoral of a person do you have to be to support Roger Goodell if your team has no shot at the post-season?” Abbott promised that he would not be watching the Super Bowl this season unless someone invited him to a party or the matchup was really good.

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