Rangers GM: 'We'd be in better shape' if Cruz was playing

Bob Nightengale | USA TODAY Sports

SURPRISE, ARIZ. -- Texas Rangers outfielder Nelson Cruz sits in his hotel room, staring at his iPad and watching his team play each day without him.

He feels alone and helpless.

Here he is working out in the scorching desert, two time zones and more than 1,000 miles away from his teammates, and he's powerless to stop the Rangers' free fall.

"It's so hard, you can't explain it in words," Cruz says softly. "There's nothing worse than seeing your teammates battle knowing you can't help. I'm not even on the bench or even around. I try to text them and stuff and try to motivate the best I can. There's nothing else I can do."

Cruz told USA TODAY Sports in his first extensive interview since being suspended for 50 games Aug. 5 for violating Major League Baseball's drug policy that he can't help but feel responsible for the Rangers' misery. They are 5-15 this month, and with a 4-0 loss Sunday to the Kansas City Royals, are 1 1/2 games out of a wild-card spot.

Cruz, who was among 13 players suspended for their links to the now-shuttered Biogenesis Clinic, is eligible to return for the postseason, or even a one-game tiebreaker to get into the playoffs, but the Rangers' season could end before Cruz is allowed to wear their uniform again.

If the Rangers miss the playoffs, Cruz will shoulder much of the blame and might second-guess himself for accepting the suspension instead of filing an appeal that would have delayed punishment until the 2014 season.

"We'd be in better shape if he wasn't suspended," Rangers general manager Jon Daniels says. "It's a choice Nelson made."

Cruz, who says he last saw his teammates Aug. 30, can be found at the Rangers instructional league camp these days. He's the occupant of locker No. 120 in the minor league clubhouse, right across from the table tennis table.

Cruz just started playing in games here. He says he feels strong, and his timing is coming back. He's even playing games in left field as well as his customary right field, preparing for the possibility of switching positions.

Now, all he needs is for the Rangers to play well enough to give him the opportunity to return for the postseason, thinking he'll be invited to rejoin the team.

"They haven't told me for sure I'll be back. But if that wasn't the plan, they wouldn't have told me to come here," Cruz says. "That's why I'm working so hard. When that day comes, I'll be ready.

"Hopefully we can make the playoffs so I can help. My teammates say they'll welcome me back."

The Rangers aren't saying anything publicly about the possibility of Cruz returning for the playoffs. Yet it's no secret they need him, even after the acquisition of Chicago White Sox outfielder Alex Rios. Cruz was their leading power hitter with 27 homers and 76 RBI at the time of his suspension. They've scored two or fewer runs in 10 of the last 22 games.

The Rangers, trying to solve that power void, tried to pull off a blockbuster deal for Atlanta Braves outfielder Justin Upton before the July 31 trade deadline. The Rangers offered starter Matt Garza, All-Star closer Joe Nathan and outfielder David Murphy, but they were rejected, two high-ranking club officials told USA TODAY Sports. They spoke on the condition of anonymity because they were unauthorized to publicly talk about personnel decisions.

No trade would have been necessary if Cruz had appealed his suspension the way New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez did.

"My first thought was to appeal, and right up to the last day I told (the Rangers) my decision was to appeal," Cruz says. "That was my plan. It's hard to explain it, but at the end it wasn't my decision. It wasn't what I wanted to do. It came out of my hands."

Cruz won't go into specifics. He says if he hadn't accepted the 50-game suspension, MLB officials were threatening a 100-game ban. With Cruz due to become a free agent in November, he knew sitting out the first 100 games of the 2014 season would hurt his free agent value.

"It was so hard, because I knew something worse could happen to me," Cruz says. "If I wasn't a free agent, it would have been different. It's a totally different situation. I didn't want to take 100 games next year. It's part of the business."

Cruz says his first choice is to return to the Rangers but says he realizes there is a chance they won't want him back. There will be other prized free agent outfielders on the market such as Shin-Soo Choo and Jacoby Ellsbury. The Los Angeles Dodgers might make Matt Kemp available in a trade during the winter. The Rangers will have options, even though they're now paying Rios $14 million through next season.

"We'll talk about that after the year," Daniels says.

In the meantime, Cruz, 33, talks to the minor leaguers in camp, telling them he's living proof of the ugly consequences of performance-enhancing drugs.

"I'm helping kids here and sharing my story, telling them what happened with me," Cruz says. "Hopefully they don't make the same mistakes I did."

Cruz, who used banned substances in 2012, declines to say who was responsible for procuring the drugs. He was one of 12 players connected to the ACES agency who were suspended after MLB's Biogenesis investigation. He has since fired ACES and hired Adam Katz.

"It's nothing to do with how they do their job or anything," Cruz says. "I think they're a great agency. It was just that everything was connected to them. I don't know if they were involved or anything, but their names were out there. I just wanted a fresh start."

Asked if he was introduced to Biogenesis through Juan Nunez or any of the ACES employees, Cruz says, "I don't want to talk about that right now. I'm sorry."

Instead of looking for answers, he is searching for closure.

"I'm just glad to finish the process and move on," Cruz says. "Hopefully, now, it's something that will stay behind me."

Hopefully, Cruz says, the Rangers will stay alive this season, too.

Cruz, burdened with the failure of misplaying David Freese's fly ball in the 2011 World Series that cost the Rangers their first title, would be haunted with guilt if the Rangers don't qualify for even a one-game wild-card playoff.

"I wish everything could be different," he says. "I wish that so much."