Tinder at CPAC and The Not-So-New Conservative Agenda

By Sarah Edwards

March 30, 2016 – Hypocrisy can be funny: like when my friend spends thirty minutes laying out how to “be cool” with a new guy: “Focus on you, your life, and set other dates! The more guys, the better.” And she then spends the next night asking, “Why won’t he text me? I just want to know if we’re getting together Saturday? Is he seeing other people?” While watching Sex and the City and eating popcorn. But sometimes, hypocrisy is offensive. It assumes people aren’t as smart as they are. And less than funny or offensive, it’s just plain bad for business.

What’s the newest innovation at CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference? The usage of Tinder, trolling for members of the opposite sex in a nearby radius. One of the reasons I left my Christian church is the ideology and actual teaching in youth group that sex was for procreation purposes only, so the female orgasm was out. And yet, the biggest conservative event of the year, is known for the ability to get laid. Are women orgasming? Hopefully, but not likely.

Conservative: adj. 1) believing in the value of traditional practices in politics and society 2) not liking or accepting changes or new ideas

Political: adj: of or relating to politics or government

Action: noun: the manner or method of performing (In this case, potentially sexual acts.)

Conference: erudite venue to hook-up

CPAC: noun 1) Technologically advanced fuck-fest

Rebecca Nelson, of GQ was talking to a man she met on Tinder who confidently commented to her, “See those two girls? Those are your typical CPAC whores.” Would they get paid for sex? Maybe minimum wage, but certainly not higher. The misogynist at large went on to explain away his incredibly sexist comment by adding, “They can’t go down the escalator without flashing some cooch.” No mention of flashing his metaphorical penis in the form of white, male privilege to sleep with a parade of women or to get where he is; no mention of flashing tax exemptions to keep his wealth in his pocket; no mention to his father paying for private schools his whole life and financing his string of businesses. But women, in short pencil skirts, are whores looking to flash their cooch.

Abigail Welborn of The University of Virginia recalls a conversation with a guy she met at CPAC, who said brashly, “I’m going to hook up with five women.” What would help him with this? Tinder. If well-educated attendees of this conference do not believe in contraceptives being readily available and affordable to women, would they be okay getting gonorrhea? How about going blind from syphilis? How would they be able to see which women looked like whores? Maybe they’d find having crabs or pubic lice as something they could write about overcoming in a grad school admission essay.

The idea of conservative politics going hand-in-hand with conservative, and Christian, values are outdated pairings that potentially never went together. Looking to get laid outside of marriage does not fall into “traditional values” or biblical teaching. Plus, there is the whole idea that being pro-guns, pro-war, pro-death penalty, anti-healthcare, and anti-social welfare directly contradicts love thy neighbor and, you know, thou shall not kill. But we do have Tinder, and “conservative” or not, it is being used. Much like, it would seem, the women at CPAC.

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In addition to Funny or Offensive, Sarah Edwards writes film, television, and fiction, including Saudi Girl Revolution about Saudi Arabian female freedom-fighters and the film SCREWED, about two people who f*ck so hard, they switch bodies. You can follow her on FB at facebook.com/therealsarahedwards