VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine. “Usually, I’ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up, but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to power through some of the boring Holy Covenant stuff and really see what all the fuss is about,” said the pontiff, noting that he always wanted to read the sacred text, but had often gotten sidetracked with papal duties, public events, or simply picking up a more immediately compelling read by Lee Child or Michael Connelly. “It kind of drags in the middle, which made me want to just put on a movie and relax. But then I thought, honestly, what else am I doing with my time holed up in the papal apartment? So I kept at it, and, man, I’m glad I did. Once you get to all the Gospels and the whole Jesus-God twist, it’s just a total page-turner. I probably only have a few hundred more pages, and then this thing is in the bag.” Francis admitted that reading the Bible now made him regret skipping to the Quran years ago and spoiling so much of the story.

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