WINOOSKI – Vermonters joined the millions of Americans today in a disrespectful and shameful celebration of those who gave their lives defending the freedoms that we all enjoy. The symbol of our great nation, the stars and stripes, “Old Glory,” was on full display by civilians in almost every manner prohibited by the U.S. flag code, including, but not limited to, being displayed on floats, draped over vehicles, worn as clothing, purchased on merchandise, and displayed on items displaying corporate logos.

“I love my country so much, that its rules don’t really apply to me,” said Winooski resident Harper Critt. “It’s like, you know, you’re not supposed to lie, but when you really love someone and you’re planning a surprise party, it’s okay to lie. Same kind of thing. I’m gonna love the hell out of that flag, even if it asks me not to. That’s called respect.”

The countless American heroes who lost their lives in the service of the United States of America were unavailable for comment, but we can know their general opinions thanks to the large number of people on the internet who did not know them personally, but have clear and exact data on “what they would have thought” about all flag-related matters.