Back in 2010, Hillary Clinton was my hero. Check out that pantsuit!

I have social anxiety. Plus I’m an introvert. These are not two personality traits that make it easy to succeed in this world.



When I see someone I *sort of* know in a public place, I’ll usually try to sneak out before I have to say hello and engage in small talk. Or I’ll pretend not to see them. Some people might think that’s f-ed up or rude. But truth be told, I’m just scared.



Usually when I interact with people I don’t really know or people I’m meeting for the first time, I come off as either cold, shy, or a bitch. I’ve been told by many people that they thought that I was a jerk when they first met me.



I don’t react like other people. I don’t smile so much. I don’t know how to acknowledge people and make them feel like I’m listening. It’s so frustrating, because I am. And generally, I like most people I meet. I give everyone a fair shot and unless someone has been mean to me, I give them the benefit of the doubt.



One time in an improv class, my teacher said something to me. I half smiled. “Nothing?” he asked, and laughed. Apparently I’m not communicating something to people.



There are a few times when my social anxiety fades away and I feel like I can be myself: 1. When I instantly click with someone. When that rare thing happens and I think wow, I want this person to be my friend. 2. When the other person is extremely nice, sweet, charming, or complimentary. Think: A politician. They make me feel comfortable enough to open up to them. This is a very rare trait for people to have. G-d, I wish I had it. Those people make others feel so good about themselves. Why can’t I do that? 3. When I’m in a situation where, artificially, everyone is like me. An improv class (when I jive with the teacher, of course). A Shabbat meal. A writer’s meeting. A college course. A forced social situation where conversation is easily started because we can just talk about whatever it is we all have in common. Even a networking event for freelancers. Hey, we all work at home. Let’s talk about our favorite coffee shops to frequent.



I freeze up so much of the time and end up coming off not like myself at all. I guess it comes down to somewhere, subconsciously, being afraid to show my true colors. If I do that, I might get hurt. So, I choose to blog about it instead.



I communicate much better in writing when there isn’t a forced time frame on my thoughts (like in conversation) or when I know that the person will read my thoughts all the way through and then react. I’m thankful that technology is making everyone a little more introverted, as messed up as that sounds. It’s socially acceptable for me to talk in text or via email or on Facebook messages. I don’t have to pretend I like to talk on the phone anymore (ugh, it’s just the worst).



I don’t think introversion is something you can change or get over. I’m very calculated and mechanical in my reactions (most of the time). If someone tells me, oh, you should smile when you say hello to someone, I remember that and I do it. Am I freak because that stuff doesn’t come naturally? I don’t know.



Just remember, next time you see me out and about, it’s nothing personal if I’m acting strange. I’m just a little anxious.