Dr. Ron Paul's Disaster Relief Rx: Take Two Pills & Call Someone Who Actually Gives A Sh*t

America’s favorite crazy old uncle and beloved Libertarian Jesus, Ron Paul, knows a few things about disasters (his son Rand, every presidential campaign he’s ever run, the toxic waste that spews every time he opens his mouth, hell, his whole freakin’ life!), which is why he knows the best response to a national catastrophe is no response at all.

Hear that people? Pull yourself up by your own damn bootstraps for once in your pathetic lives, and while you’re at it, use ’em to bail the water out of your battered, flooded house, and fix the downed power lines, ya lazy, good-for-nothing wastes of lucrative corporate space.

What do you think this is, the United States of Helping People In Times Of Crisis or something?

Hahaha, get real! This is Ron Paul’s America, the United States of Anarchy, my friends!

“We should be like 1900; we should be like 1940, 1950, 1960,” Paul said. “I live on the Gulf Coast; we deal with hurricanes all the time.”

Sort of like the last time the Gulf Coast wined and dined that bitch Katrina only to wake up naked, tied to the bed post now submerged in sewage, and robbed of everything, except some good, old-fashioned American know-how, now floating down Bourbon Street.

“There’s no magic about FEMA. They’re a great contribution to deficit financing and quite frankly they don’t have a penny in the bank. We should be coordinated but coordinated voluntarily with the states,” Paul told NBC News. “A state can decide. We don’t need somebody in Washington.”

Hell no, we don’t!

We need a nobody like Ron Paul, shriveled solver of problems like how to never actually get to be that Washington somebody nobody needs.

Problem solved!

Because everyone knows the best thing to do following a national disaster is abolish the one big bad gubmint agency actually capable of dealing with said disaster, like say the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

Amiright??

Blasting FEMA as a drain on the economy, Dr. Ron Paul explained how the agency is nothing more than a “gross distortion of insurance only bleeding hearts would support — that just bail[s] out everybody.”

Ooooh, oooh, does that include crazy ass grown adult sons after one of their loyal staffers stomps on the head of some awful lady protesting their terrible, racist policies outside a rally?

Well three cheers (wait, or is it tears?) for the brave man, no make that the living legend, who had the courage & conviction to vote against hurricane relief funding for his home state of Texas because the government shouldn’t “take care of us when we do dumb things” — like get hit by hurricanes. Or his son Rand.

Galveston Hurricane of 1900 or Rand Paul’s Foot Rage of 2010?