The super-jolt of energy novice users experience mellows after a few days of use and changes character dramatically. It does become a very sufficient coffee replacement: a little ritual combined with chemical stimulation that motivates you to get out of bed. But coming up daily on Adderall has less to do with a caffeinated sensation than it does with becoming a detail-oriented post-human, a machine following self-imposed routines with little regard for anything outside the routine’s scope. It turns out that my Adderall self has a knack for accounting, spreadsheets, and administrative tasks that my unstimulated self would normally shy away from: an inbox-zeroing robot bent on eking out every last ounce of productivity my heightened senses could spit out. Keeping up with the moving parts of being self-employed, as I am, is easy on Adderall. It feels almost robotic, as if I'm hiring an assistant to take care of the books. But an Adderall prescription is much cheaper than hiring a competent assistant, and I always know I can trust myself (even if it is a different version of myself) to keep it honest when it comes to my bottom line.

There is an issue of time here as well. As someone in the content generation industry, my normal self's most valuable asset is creativity: producing product that others will pay, in one way or another, to consume. Transforming into an Administrative Jekyll for a certain amount of time every day limits the amount of time my Creative Hyde can come up with content to market and sell. Luckily, amphetamines have that problem tackled as well: when you're using them, you don't have to sleep... at all. That frees up quite a few hours of the day. Amphetamine’s extreme appetite suppressant qualities will also save time you used to spend going to the grocery store. As someone with a penchant for eating everything that's in my field of vision (often to help me avoid doing work), this was all fine with me: I waved goodbye to expensive lunches (well, to lunch in general, actually) and to those peanut butter and Cheetos-induced pounds that normally hang out around my waistline.

“How’s it hangin, Death?”

–Evil Ted, 1991

One of the first things you notice about Adderall is its "hard reset" effect on your metabolism. As you begin to come up, you'd best plan to be near a toilet. Part of the impetus for this whole shitshow was my recently-acquired and very violent intolerance of coffee. While Adderall doesn't induce the internal bleeding coffee had begun to elicit in my bowels, it's obviously a very powerful stimulant, without a lot of the rot-gut acidic effects coffee has in its arsenal. Side effect number one, noted, with cautious optimism.

Around came the second, after about two weeks of regular use: rampant eye twitches. Not anything that would interfere with my daily habits, but still an annoyance I knew was coming from the medication. A constant reminder to me and my confidants that something unnatural was acting out in my body. Fluttering eyelids were one thing I was willing to deal with — I was ESPN-bound, after all! But the first time I became truly scared of what was happening to me was when the discharge began.

As you begin to come up, you'd best plan to be near a toilet