



Hi Rene,

Christmas is just around the corner and honestly I’m really dreading the holiday season.

My husband, Mike, and I have two boys, aged 8 and 6. They’re both really excited for Christmas and have a long list of presents they want – including new bikes, toys, sports gear and candy.

Unfortunately I lost my job a few weeks ago and as a family we’re drowning in debt. I’ve tried to explain this to the kids but they just don’t understand. They think we’re being selfish and constantly complain about all the cool stuff their friends have and how they hate living with us. My eldest, Craig, even said I was the worst mom in the world!

I don’t know how we brought up such selfish boys. How can I teach them a lesson about the value of money without a lot of arguments? I don’t want to ruin their Christmas for them…

Yours truly,

Stephanie, Ohio

Hey Stephanie:

I have to tell the truth and say this letter made my heart hurt and not because your kid called you a bad mother. You, my friend, have some work to do here, starting with kids and ending with you. Let’s break it down:

YOU GOTTA TALK TO YOUR KIDS: The talking will be easy; making them understand will be tougher. Trying to explain very adult concepts to kids who are young is never easy but in this case it is necessary. See their worlds are very black and white; it only seems fair that if their friends have nice things they should too. So you need to make them understand a bit more, your predicament, without scaring them. You don’t need to go into the big, bad stuff about being unemployed and in debt, but I also think 8 and 6 is old enough to understand a little bit about belt tightening.

SHOW THEM EXAMPLES: If you live in an affluent area, you are going to have to work doubly hard to make sure they understand not everyone lives the way you and your neighbors do. I think you should talk to them about being thankful for the things you DO have, a refrigerator filled with food, a home full of love. Then explain that not everyone has that. You could even check out how to sponsor a hungry child in another country, if it didn’t cost too much. The point is you need to give your sons concrete examples and an understanding of what to be thankful for.

TEACH THEM THE TRUE MEANING OF THE HOLIDAY, AND IN THE PROCESS, LIFE: I don’t know what your religious beliefs are but this might be a good time to teach them that Christmas is not about “stuff”. A few years ago, my family went through one of these really squeaky holidays. It came on the heels of years of disgustingly over-the-top gift giving so it was a bit of a shock for Casey and Cole. We limited each other to one store bought gift, then we made the others, be they notes or frames or school projects. I have to say it was one of the most memorable holidays we had. They were a bit older than your kids but I think you can work with your boys to create some excitement about the gifts they will make for one another.

Regarding Craig calling you the worst mother in the world, who gives a shit? You know that’s not true, you know he’s a kid; you know he was trying to get your goat and all of those things are exactly the reasons you should not care. Do not let the emotional blackmail start now or trust me, getting that genie back in the bottle will be next to impossible. Years ago, every so often when they didn’t get their way, one of mine would pull that same nonsense with me. Typically I wouldn’t even take my eyes off the road before responding with a “yeah, and?”

You question how you brought up such selfish boys. Probably because you gave them everything they wanted. I’m not being judgmental; I just know that as parents we do that sometimes. We want our kids to have nice things because we love them. You can reverse this right now by making them understand love is not about stuff and give of your time and attention, especially now that you have more time to spare.

I sense a bit of guilt on your part. Look, this is life and life is messy. You didn’t plan on losing your job and throwing a wrench in the plans but that’s how it goes. You have a choice here, you can be sorrowful and sad or you can make the most of the holiday, even with your limited resources. I suggest the latter as it will be much more fun.

Good luck mommy!

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