[Editor’s Note: this is one of two guest posts that are going up today. This is written by a friend of mine who usually goes by the name “The Barmy Brit”, and if you guys like it, it may become a series in its own right. – Terrier]

Hello and welcome to the Barmy logs of Dawn of War: Dark Crusade. This will chronicle the plights and fights of Ork Warboss Gorgutz Kabomma and his band of boyz.

—

Ah zog! One minute I am going thru da warp to get back to my planet ‘Bamboozok’, next thing I know my Rokk crashes on dis backwards planet. It seems dat a few otha gits are here having a good ol’ crumpin’. Okay. Question one: Why weren’t I told about this? And two: WHY AREN’T WE FIGHTING YET?!

—

Okay so here is the map of the planet Kronus. There are 7 races facing off for complete control: Space Marines, Eldar, Imperial Guard, Tau, Necrons, Chaos and Orks.

Now canonically Space Marines won this war…but playing Orks is more fun. (Yeah, like this blog cares about historical accuracy – Terrier)

Anyway, let’s get’s get st-



Tutorial messages? Oh sod off. I don’t need hints and tricks, I’m playing Orkz. What else is there to know besides “hit them with the sharp end, and take the gubbinz”?

Besides, the AI decides to do really stupid stuff sometimes, meaning I may well just win a battle in less than ten minutes on a normal map.

The coloured outlines on the planet tell you which faction each owns the territory. Orkz are green.

If you select a territory, you will see either green or red arrows going from it, to adjacent territories. The Red arrows tell you the territory is an enemy one that you are able to attack. Green means friendly. As you can see, lots of friendlies here.

Okay, so I could either attack Tau or Chaos for this turn. I see an easy target in the Tau, so I will go after them.

Next time we meet: the first battle in this game. See you then.