TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact

A corporate robot who shops at Tarocash is today regretting the decision to sign away his life to big industry, after seeing a group of young men and women stumbling drunkenly around the city at 11am on a Saturday.

This is particularly hard for Derek Melrose to stomach because mid-week bending used to be his favourite past-time.

“I never get to do that anymore” Derek woefully revealed to our reporter.

“Beeeeeeeeeeep” Derek sighed robotically.

Derek began his career in insurance 3 years ago, and while he started out thinking he would be able to resist the transformation into a corporate robot, about 1.5 years in he gave up the fight and let the system take over.

“They just wear you down man, beeeep” he sighed again.

“Look at those kids out there, drinking without a worry in the world”

“That one just vomited in the gutter”

“I miss that”

At this point Derek began crying, but in place of regular human tears, little drops of oil seeped out of his eyes.

“Sorry”

After recalibrating, Derek told our reporter that it’s not all bad, that he and his fellow robots treat themselves to an oil change every Friday lunch time and if they’re lucky, they even leave work early on Friday’s to go have beers.

“That’s the only thing we have to look forward to. It’s not much but at least it’s something.”

After stealing one more look at the drunk revellers, Derek shuffled back to his office where he will once again become an anonymous cog in the machine.

More to come.