"I've always loved watching the great sport of hockey, why not give playing a try? How hard can it be? I've been to plenty of ice skating birthday parties and I could do some sweet mini-jumps to show off. I'm probably a natural and don't even know it!"

He is most certainly not a natural. You tell him to just stand in front of the goalie and try to get a deflection with that wooden stick of his that belonged to his father during the Nixon Administration. Defense? Don't even worry about defense. We'll do it shorthanded.

Is seen twice stepping on the puck then falling down onto the ice. When he finally manages to score a goal (It deflected off his ass and in), he gets the biggest smile you've ever seen and performs a little dance that he's been rehearsing all afternoon for this moment. Congratulations, Bambi. We've all been there.

Attire: Loose-fitting hockey skates that make it look like his ankles are about to break at any moment, aforementioned old wooden stick that's too long for him, Wayne Gretzky Jersey (Los Angeles Kings, duh).