No, they are not married, but they might as well be. No, they don’t have children, and yes, that is one good thing. Yes, it is difficult and at times stressful. No, I don’t think he’s lying about their not having had sex for nearly a decade. (Who would lie about that?) Nor do I think he is “having his cake and eating it”. And no, I don’t feel guilty.

These are some of the questions I have fielded from friends and strangers over the past couple of years about my relationship with a man who is in a 12-year relationship with another woman. He and I fell in love about four months in, “broke up” after one year, and have been caught in an endless cycle of turmoil and indecision ever since.

He was unhappy long before I came along, and I’m not so naive as to think their problems are all down to her rather than him. Nor do I dismiss their relationship as a sham or dead in the water: I understand the bonds that are formed over time. But while my sympathy is there, my patience is running out. I am much younger than him and have a great deal of life ahead of me.

The affair that saved our marriage Read more

I am tired of conducting a relationship within a working week, fed up of sleeping alone, waking only to text messages sent while she sleeps. I am waiting for him to act (apparently he has already decided what he wants); and in the meantime, I remain in my role of lover, friend, confidante, counsellor and champion. If it sounds one-sided, it’s not: he has loved and supported me unfalteringly, and I owe many good things in my life to him. But unlike him, I will not allow myself to be a passive agent in my own life – I will wait only so long.

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