Anxiety can be an incredibly uncomfortable experience. But pressure and high expectations from the people around us as well as our own perfectionist ideals can make this experience even worse. When we fall short, we often double down and criticize ourselves. It’s just so easy to get wrapped up in self-deprecating thinking. But — fortunately — there’s a way out.

Introducing … Self-compassion!

Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves that’s different from what many of us usually do. It means judging ourselves not for what we feel or for the way we behave. Rather, it’s about appreciating our own inherent worth, accepting ourselves and treating ourselves kindly — also and especially in difficult circumstances!

The idea of self-compassion first originated in the Buddhist tradition a long time ago, but only recently Western researchers start to pay more attention to this psychological skill. Since about the beginning of this century, hundreds of studies have been done and by now many psychologists know that self-compassion is a truly vital attitude to have. Especially for those of us who struggle with anxiety or even depression.

If we want to properly understand what it means to be self-compassionate, it also makes sense to turn to science. Kristin Neff, one of the researchers who brought self-compassion into academia, says it consists of three vital components:

(1) The first one is self-kindness. Part of being self-compassionate is treating ourselves with care and understanding. Self-kindness is the opposite of judging ourselves harshly.

(2) The second one is mindfulness. By now, most of us have probably heard about mindfulness before — it’s a way of paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them.

(3) The third part is what researchers call common humanity. That means understanding that every single one of us is imperfect. It’s part of being human to make mistakes and feel bad sometimes.

The reason why self-compassion is powerful is because it allows us to tap into our capacity for love and benevolence and turn this benevolence towards ourselves. Here’s how Kristin Neff puts it:

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.

And this attitude does more than simply make us feel good. It can have a real impact on our mental health.

The impact of self-compassion

When we are self-compassionate, our brain’s care-giving and self-awareness systems activate. And these brain areas are critically important when we want to soothe anxiety. That’s why one of the most consistent research findings is the positive effect that self-compassion has on both anxiety and depression.

Many people, though, bring quite a bit of skepticism to the table when it comes to self-compassion. After all, it sounds suspiciously similar to self-pity and indulgence. That’s why it’s important to know that research has also found a couple of counter-intuitive benefits:

We procrastinate less. Compared to using fear or guilt as motivation, self-compassion is significantly more effective to get ourselves to do things we’d prefer to avoid.

Compared to using fear or guilt as motivation, self-compassion is significantly more effective to get ourselves to do things we’d prefer to avoid. We bounce back from failure. Instead of spending a lot of time and energy on criticising ourselves for mistakes, self-compassion helps us acknowledge our failures without questioning our basic self-worth. That not only helps us

Instead of spending a lot of time and energy on criticising ourselves for mistakes, self-compassion helps us acknowledge our failures without questioning our basic self-worth. That not only helps us We are more open to criticism. For the same reason, self-compassion helps us acknowledge (negative) feedback and learn from it.

The reason for these unexpected benefits is that self-compassion reduces the stress that comes with failure, criticism and procrastination. It’s an attitude that gives us a feeling of basic self-worth — and that makes us more resilient to whatever challenge we may face.

How to become more self-compassionate

The only way to enjoy those benefits, though, is to actually put self-compassion into action. For this, we want to share a little exercise with you. It offers a great way to tap into the potential of a self-compassionate attitude. When you’re feeling anxious and inclined to criticise yourself, imagine what you’d do if a close friend went through a similar experience.

How would you treat this friend? Would you try to give them all the love, care and understanding that you have? Or would you tell them not to whine and maybe even call them names?

Once you have an idea, bring the same attitude to yourself. Instead of mumbling harsh words, treat yourself kindly and remind yourself that many other people go through similarly difficult experiences.

What’s left to say is that putting this into action on a daily basis might be hard. That’s because self-compassion is not our default option. When anxiety hits and adrenaline rushes through our body, we’re inclined to revert to old patterns of self-criticism. But the more you practice this compassionate self-talk the more easily it will come to you. It might take time but you can trust it will make a permanent, positive difference.