Or really, how to understand the 12-Step process through an analogy even my dense ass could understand.

The 12-Step format is hardly the only drug addiction recovery option, but it is certainly the most popular. I found it difficult to choke down in rehab and was the very definition of resistant–until I did a little “translating” that helped me understand both the program and its popularity. The key to 12-Step success lies largely in one simple fact: you can 12-Step basically any problem. Let’s begin.

1. Step One: Admit your House is dirty. Mine sure as shit was.

2. Step Two: Trust that someone or something can help you clean your house.

3. Step Three: Decide to clean, and definitely ask for help.

4. Step Four: Time to get your hands dirty. Put all the dishes in the sink, throw the laundry into the hamper, and open up all those dreaded closets you’ve been shoving stuff into for years. You will notice that you have a LOT of garbage, or perhaps just stuff you don’t know if you should keep or will really ever use. Push ALL of that shit into the middle of the floor. You especially will want to keep track of the shit you really don’t want to even look at, because it’s about to become very important.

5. Step Five: Invite some friends over and say, “Look at all this shit!” Have a nice long stare at the mess you’ve made of your house, and most likely your life.

6. Step Six: Become willing to part with some of your shit. We’re especially talking about the shit you don’t need, the shit that used to work but doesn’t anymore, and particularly the shit that just isn’t good for you.

7. Step Seven: Now haul all that shit away. Don’t worry, your higher power totally has a truck. Maybe even a HazMat team.

8. Step Eight: Look around–there’s probably a ton of shit that didn’t belong to you in the first place. Your ex’s laptop, the t-shirt you “forgot” to return to a friend, and probably a fuck ton of things that belonged to your parents, including their precious time. Box that shit up, and label the boxes so you can prepare for Step Nine.

9. Step Nine: Return all that shit you stole.

10. Step 10: Take another look around. You’ve probably managed to make quite a mess again between Steps 4 and 9. Take out THAT trash.

11. Step 11: Thank all those nice people and forces that helped you clean your house. Pray and meditate, if only because you’re exhausted.

12. Step 12: Now go help others clean their houses–you’re probably sick of your own shit anyway.

Full disclosure: a friend who works in treatment gave me the bare bones of this analogy. Talent borrows, genius steals, and junkies do both then embellish. Feel free to compare to the OG 12 Steps, and apply where necessary. So, is it possible to 12-Step basically any problem? I don’t know, but I have a hunch the creative among us could make it work for all sorts of useful purposes. What’s a problem you’d like to solve in 12 simple steps? And how dirty is your house these days?

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