By Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

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How many Waffle Houses is too many Waffle Houses? The answer in Augusta, Ga., is this: "So you're not from around here, are you?" I set out for breakfast before the third round at the Masters, plugged "Waffle Houses near me" into Google maps and realized that this was like asking how to find sand at the Jersey Shore.

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No lie: There are at least 16 Waffle Houses within a short drive (15 minutes or less) of Augusta National, and in many cases, each of those Waffle Houses is within a short walk of another Waffle House. To answer the existential question: If a tree falls in Augusta, you'll hear a noise, and it's probably going to hit a Waffle House.

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So how do you pick a Waffle House? Well, why pick just one? It took three hours and 52 minutes, a quarter tank of gas and more than a few quizzical looks (and you're forgiven if you're giving me one right now), but I went to all 16 Waffle Houses in the greater Augusta area in search of the Masters and waaaaay too many calories.

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Along the way, I discovered what Fuzzy Zoeller likes for breakfast, had reports of a bonafide major-champion sighting and learned why the restaurant is so ubiquitous in Georgia. Please loosen your belt and come along for the ride ...

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 1: Breakfast

101 SRP Drive, Evans, Ga. -- 10:01 am

The first sign that you can't have too many Waffle Houses: The one closest to our rental house is absolutely packed. Every booth and seat at the counter is filled, and a family of four is patiently waiting for its turn in the chairs lined up near the entrance. I could wait, too. But why? There is, after all, one just down the road.

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Raes Creek connects the Masters to a trailer park

But that's the only thing they have in common.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 2: Breakfast, take two

4291 Washington Road, Evans, Ga. -- 10:12 am

Who's hungry? No, who's REALLY hungry? I order the "All-Star Special" with scrambled eggs, bacon, white toast and hash browns. The waitress seems a bit surprised that I didn't take the hash browns scattered, smothered and covered. She is right, too. Dammit. I've bogeyed breakfast.

I ask the manager, who is busy buttering toast, for an explanation as to why there are so many here. "We get so busy, so we add one a mile away to diver the business," James explains. "So we end up with more and more and more."

More, for less: I'm so full that I feel like somebody will have to roll me to the next Waffle House, and the bill is just $9.56.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 3: "Good luck"

438 South Belair Road, Augusta, Ga. -- 10:41 am

I feel almost awkward explaining the Waffle House Tour. I mean, who does something like this? But Ricky Walters sounds almost jealous. "First of all, good luck," he tells me after he butters a waffle at the counter here. "I've been here a long time and I haven't done it."

Walters, having breakfast with his fiancee Grace Wilkins, has given the overabundance of Waffle Houses in this city some serious thought. "I ask this all the time: At what point is Augusta going to be oversaturated? We haven't gotten there yet. If you come here on a Sunday, you'll be standing over there by that juke box."

Wilkins points out that the city had only one Whole Foods. Note the tense: Had. It closed. "They'll probably tear it down," Walters said, "and build a Waffle House."

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 4: Two minutes later ...

4077 Jimmie Dyess Parkway, Augusta, Ga. -- 10:54 am

Ridiculous: Google maps insists that I should take an eight-minute walk to the next Waffle House, which is four tenths of a mile away. But walking would burn calories, and if you're going to visit 16 Waffle Houses, that seems counterproductive. This stop is the first sign of the Masters (sort of). The road that runs next to this one is SINGH LANE. No sign of Vijay, though.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 5: Golf traffic?

1202 George C. Wilson Drive, Augusta, Ga. -- 11:01 am

Finally, a real sign that the course is near. I see a "GOLF TRAFFIC" sign in front of this Waffle House, and I'm so excited to snap a photo -- yes, boss, I got the insurance option on the rental car -- that I miss the turn. I'm about to turn around when I realize that, of course, I have driven far enough that I'm nearly as close to another Waffle House anyway. Onward.

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The house Augusta National's millions can't buy

The club is gobbling up property, but they won't sell.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 6: Patrons!

3417 Wrightsboro Road, Augusta, Ga. -- 11:11 am

You stuff yourself with $1.50 pimento cheese sandwiches in green cellophane bags (pro tip: don't do this) at the course. But each morning Masters week, you'll find a few booths with "patrons" -- that's what they're called here -- getting fueled up for the long day. A foursome from South Carolina is here.

"Why are we here? Where else are you going to eat!" Terry French said. There are enough plates on the table to suggest that they won't need lunch. "But the beers are only four bucks," French said with a laugh. They're ready.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 7: Signs, signs, everywhere

2057 Gordon Highway, Augusta, Ga. -- 11:25 am

One of the most identifiable features of a Waffle House is the unique, towering sign, with all 11 letters occupying individual panels. A crew was replacing the lightbulbs in one -- it said WAFFL HOUSE, which I guess is better than WAFFLE HO SE -- which raised the question. How often do they burn out?

Not often, said Frank Williams. He was part of the crew that was fixing and painting five of the signs in the area. The "T-5 lamps" last 75,000 hours, or three to four years, he explained. "Used to be, if one went out the entire letter went out," Williams said. "But now the letter is just a little dimmer." So don't expect to see "WAF LE HO" any time soon.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 8: Bathroom break

3164 Deans Bridge Road, Augusta, Ga. -- 11:38 am

They're clean. Let's leave it at that, okay? Just make sure your business is your business in the Waffle House bathroom, because it's one toilet. A man in Newbern, N.C., once barricaded himself inside the bathroom of a Waffle House for two and a half hours with a pair of knives. When the S.W.A.T. finally got him out, he had stripped off all his clothes. Rude. Don't do that.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 9: History lesson

We're halfway through the tour and haven't asked the real question: Why do people here love the Waffle House so much? Tammy Fairley, who has worked as a waitress for 18 years, responds with a history lesson.

"It was called dinner and a show," she said of the way that the waitresses used to call out the old to the cooks behind the counter.

The first Waffle House is in Decatur, Ga. -- it's a museum now and there's a photo on the wall of it here -- and it opened just as the Interstate Highways were changing America. Waffle House followed those highways everywhere. Augusta is like one galaxy in the Waffle House universe, and that universe keeps expanding. There are now more than 2,100 Waffle Houses in the country.

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For $5.35, you can wear a green jacket at the Masters

You won't get all the perks that come with a real one, though.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 10: House rules

3408 Mike Padgett Highway, Augusta, Ga. -- 12:07

Rules? Rules. They're posted in the entrance way of each Waffle House. It's pretty standard stuff -- booths are for two people, pal -- and nobody has ever read them. But let's be honest: If youd did, you'd be hoping they'd be something stolen from a Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be A Redneck" routine.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 11: Yeah. I'm lost.

1629 Gordon Highway, Augusta, Ga. -- 12:18 pm

I have no pithy observation from this Waffle House, just a deep sense of dread that I've already been here. Like, deja vu all scattered again. Then I pass a Waffle House that I'm certain I've been to, and another, and another. Pro tip: If you're going to go to every Waffle House in Augusta, Ga., don't just keep clicking "Waffle House near me." Plan the trip. You'll thank me later.

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Courtesy Waffle House

Waffle House No. 12: Business is good

2951 Washington Road, Augusta, Ga. -- 12:39 pm

Trevor Lamas, the division manager for several Augusta locations, greets me at the counter here, and in case your wondering, business is good. "For us, it's a volume boost, but it's not crazy," he said. He has two extra employees at each of his locations, including a few coming down from South Carolina to work.

The late Joe Rogers Sr. and Tom Forkner, the co-founders, would be pleased. "We want people to enjoy the experience and come again when they're here, or go to another location someplace else," he said. It seems like a fine idea, but to confirm what you probably already know, there are none in New Jersey.

Sad.

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Take a tour of the crazy new Masters media center

It has showers for sportswriters and oriental rugs.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 13: Dustin! Fuzzy! PHIL!

3042 Washington Road, Augusta, Ga. -- 12:49 pm

I had asked the question 12 times -- "have you ever seen a famous golfer" -- and the response was the same: "Nope." Until, finally, at this Waffle House just down the road from the course. Dustin Johnson ate here last Saturday, before hurting his back and withdrawing. The staff didn't know who he was until customers started making a fuss. That's a live-action photo of DJ having some eggs.

Phil Mickelson? He ate here too, several times, and Diane Bryan knew exactly who he was. She acted like a body guard as he had his eggs over medium and cheeseburger patty (no bread) with Bones Mackay, his caddie. "I said (to other customers), 'You're not talking to him now, he's eating!'" Bryan said. "I told Phil he's going to have to put me on the payroll.

Bryan has worked as a waitress here since 1980, so she's seen her share of golfers. Fuzzy Zoeller used to come here with his parents. He liked the eggs over medium, raisin toast and bacon. "He was just a regular customer." As you'd expect from a guy named Fuzzy.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 14: Lunch time

1096 Claussen Road, Augusta, Ga. -- 1:07 pm

It really never occurred to me to get something other than breakfast at Waffle House, but after three-plus hours on the tour, I'm surprisingly hungry. Word of advice: Stick to breakfast. I had something called the "Cheesesteak Melt Hashbrown Bowl" for $7. It feels like a bowling ball in my stomach. Lunch: Double bogey.

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 15: Bubba House

1202 George C. Wilson Drive, Augusta, Ga. -- 1:36 pm

This location, in 2015, became the most famous in the world when Bubba Watson -- fresh off his second Masters victory -- took the family out for a late-night meal here. A couple of golf fans, watching Masters action on their phone, requested the same booth they used.

"There was another Waffle House that tried to claim it, but we said, 'No! That's us!'" said Ken Knotts, who has worked here for 10 years. Knotts said Bubba ordered the grilled ham and cheese and a double order of hash browns. He earned it (and, to his credit, left a $148 tip).

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Steve Politi | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Waffle House No. 16: The End

321 Georgia Ave, North Augusta, SC -- 1:53 pm

I entered this Waffle House just across the border from Augusta National and the friendly woman behind the counter -- and nearly everyone behind the previous 15 counters were just as cheery -- ask if I wanted a seat. I declined.

The golf tournament was well underway, after all. But who knows? Maybe I'll swing back after the tournament ends for one of those T-bone steaks they promise are the best for the buck. I won't bother with the GPS this time.

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Steve Politi may be reached at spoliti@njadvancemedia.com. Follow him on Twitter @StevePoliti. Find NJ.com on Facebook.