British motorsport was plunged into crisis today with news that yesterday’s British Grand Prix gave British people nothing to moan about.

‘It was a total disaster,’ complained huge F1 enthusiast, Hugh-Jeff Wanenthusiast. ‘I was looking forward to having a right old moan about how a Brit can’t even bloody win his home grand prix, and then Lewis Hamilton went and bloody spoilt it.’

‘It was the weather what ruined it for me,’ grumbled motorsport lover Moe Tersport-Luvre. ‘I don’t pay a massive amount to attend the British Grand Prix in the sunshine. When the rain started I thought, oh good, something to moan about. But then it just made the racing more interesting and quickly cleared up in time for the end. A bloody shambles, it was. I ended up having to stab myself in the leg with a greasy spork just to have something to whine about.’

Other fans say their weekend was ruined by the traffic getting in and out of Silverstone. ‘I used to come to this race in the ‘90s and I have fond memories of getting stuck in a terrible jam for over seven hours and then moaning about it,’ said Damon Hill fan, Damon Hillfan. ‘So you can imagine my disappointment when actually the traffic was relatively well managed and barely inconvenienced us. What is this bloody country coming to when we can’t even do logistical incompetence properly? In the end, I was so desperate to have something to moan about, I had to push a copy of the Sunday Express up my anus.’

Silverstone sources say they received over 4000 complaints from British people complaining that they had nothing to complain about. ‘We can only apologise,’ said a spokesman. ‘But there really was nothing for a British person to complain about at the race.’

‘Um, I’m not sure I agree with that,’ said British motorsport follower Jenson Button.