Right now in our western society there have never been more alternatives to the once traditional relationship model - that of the heterosexual couple heading up the family unit - and people are openly choosing from a much wider range of models to find happiness.

There are many examples of people whose chosen route might previously have caused them to be marginalised from conventional society, and author Sophie Tanner, from Brighton in the UK is one such person. Sophie chose to become a sologamist, which means she married herself.



It all began when she wrote a book on the subject. "I had just had a bad break-up and was emerging from my cocoon of sadness to find with relief that my generally optimistic personality had returned. At the time I was trying to write a really dark novel but it was depressing subject matter so I decided to scrap it and write about something that was positive, about a girl who decides to marry herself."

Tanner's novel Happily tells the story of a young woman, who one summer evening, after being told that she will never know what love is until she has children, decides to say 'Actually, I do know what love is, and... I do!' and announces to her friends that she's going to marry herself...

supplied Sophie Tanner’s bridal party created a colouful procession through Brighton on her wedding day.

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"The more I investigated the concept of self-marriage the more intrigued I became, and the story of Chloe - who has similar characteristics to myself - slowly emerged. I tapped into a lot of my own experiences and relationships as inspiration and wove them into the tapestry of Chloe's life. It was quite therapeutic. And most of the characters are an amalgamation of lots of different people I have met in my life. By the time I finished the novel it had been such a wonderful journey that I decided to go ahead and marry myself as a gesture of solidarity to my character Chloe, and to myself."

Marrying oneself is not legally binding, and it has been dismissed by some as simply narcissism dressed up in empty theatrics. Tanner could not disagree more, but she didn't shy away from a theatrical theme to her wedding day. "Because it is not a legally recognised ceremony and there aren't any rules I was required to follow I was free to tailor the ceremony as it suited me, which was great. It was an amazing day. I studied theatre and have always had a keen interest in performance and Brighton Fringe Festival – which was happening at the time - was the perfect platform for a solo wedding spectacle. I wanted to capture the main tropes of marriage so that passing onlookers would quickly understand what was happening and could feel like part of the event; there were 15 of us, all dressed in different brightly coloured dresses and we had rehearsed our dance moves. We processed through the gardens to the tune of Kendrick Lamar's I Love Myself, it was so much fun."

While the theatrics involved in the day were fun and light-hearted there was a more serious side to the event, in the way others reacted to it. "In a way it has revealed to me who my true friends and family are. I was most gratified by the positive support from the majority of them - my father didn't bat an eyelid when I asked him to give me away."



Tanner has come in for her fair share of criticism. "I've had some very interesting conversations, that's for sure. One guy said that I was pathetic, that I was shooting myself in the foot and would just end up old and lonely. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion and I can understand some people have a hard time getting their head around the concept. The main thing to remember is that I'm not hurting anyone else by doing this."



She rejects the criticism that sologomy is an empty gesture and puts forward a strong argument as to how going through the process to marry herself was a transformative one which has positively changed her outlook on herself, on society and her place within it.

supplied The bride’s father Malcolm Tanner gave his daughter away - to herself.

"Having a ceremony in which I vowed to face my disappointments, embrace my dreams, realize my hopes and accept my failures has given me a great sense of security. Self-compassion is about being able to turn towards your experiences and learn from them which allows you a greater capacity for human connection. I spend more quality time with myself and the stability that comes with enjoying solitude means that I am more available to provide emotional support and practical help to family, friends and strangers."

Is it about rejecting mainstream relationships? "It's offering an alternative. Society still has a frankly antiquated expectation that every person should enter a heterosexual, monogamous, legally-binding partnership - which is required to maintain the patriarchal order - and this brings about a deeply engendered prejudice to the romantically unattached. There is still a strong stigma around being single, as if it's something you should have to justify, as if you've failed in some way. Self-marriage attempts to redress the balance. I am a firm believer that being single is a viable lifestyle choice."

It sounds like sologamy - for the female - is a feminist statement. Tanner agrees to an extent. "I've always been an independent feminist which, just to clarify, is not to say a 'man-hater'. I have had long periods of perfectly contented single life throughout my 20s and have always found the constant inane questions about 'settling down' from both family, friends and strangers most bizarre. Back in medieval times marriage was generally the first social goal for a woman because it was necessary to maintain the patriarchy; in order to survive economically, in order to have children, in order to be respectable. But today it is a different story entirely. It is sad that, despite this, single women in their 30s start to panic about being 'left on the shelf' and becoming 'crazy old cat ladies'.'

Possibly the most intriguing thing for Tanner about sologamy is the bravery involved in facing one's disappointments and failures head on. She has used the marriage ceremony as a symbolic act which recognises these and which attempts to reconcile them. Facing oneself truthfully – she feels - is a braver act then walking down the aisle with a partner. And if you can do it, it can be equally if not more so rewarding.