I wrote this a few years ago while I was a student at seminary, dealing with some depression and the uncertainty of what I was doing with my life, I was frustrated with the idea of my own hypocrisy. Grace seemed like a far away thing and I was clueless about God’s plans for my life. It’s interesting to look back and seem how much I’ve grown, but it’s also troubling to see that some of the things I dealt with then, I’m still dealing with now. anyway, here it is:

The world is going in a bad direction, not new news to most of you. maybe we should pay more attention. Speaking for myself, I find that seminary is a very good place to hide, from the world, from my family, from God, and it seems people on the outside give me too much credit, “he’s at a seminary he must be good,” sadly a lot of people are easily deceived. I’m no better than I once was, or so it seems to me. everyone else might see a smart kid with a good head on his shoulders, but they haven’t seen my grades, noticed that I’ve thrown away years of my life, stolen more than I could ever repay. I’m not even in a bad place, I just know where I stand. On Jordan’s stormy banks, needing a butt load of grace. I’m not even to the sink or swim part of the journey, I’m waiting… why am I waiting? God only knows, I wish he would speak up. In the words of crowder, “I wish You’d remember where You set me down”

I’ve got a lot of christian friends, but just like me, the world wouldn’t know that most of them are christians. They brag about it, but they aren’t transparent, their christianity isn’t noticeable, so we’re climbing into the same boat, only to end up, adrift and barely floating, in an ever more turbulent sea.

My situation in life has been changing and hopefully that will even me out, but it’s going to take time. I’ve also been very alone lately, partly due to being at work a lot, and partly due to the fact that the people in my life are pairing off. It’s not a new thing, but it’s still hard to deal with.

Aside from all that, and to shift direction off of me, I feel that the world is encouraging us to be less “separate” and to “corrupt” ourselves a little in order to better fit in. we wear scandalous (from the greek meaning causing to stumble) clothing, we tell clever lies, we cheer at other peoples pain, all while sitting in undeserved, unprecedented, and just plain bad for us, comfort. We use words that would make sailors blush, just to pass the time, and we sell ourselves little by little to whomever wants to satisfy us at this moment.

I ask you, who wants to drink water with “a little” rat poison in it? nobody, if we are offering a dim light to a world, nation, city, town, neighborhood, or community that is lost in the dark, what good are we? less of me is more of jesus, and I’m all about me. As a people, we need to burn off that desire of “self” in His presence. maybe then we can shine like Him, even if it is just a reflection.

We’ve turned the wrong way. God is bigger than us, not the other way around. We need to prioritize, we should have to make time for ourselves because He is our life; our day to day. Not the other way around. Focus is not just a ford model, it’s what we need, and it needs to be on Him. I don’t like to preach, but a prophet is needed, and I don’t see one out there.