Excited Joel Osteen Learns He Can Gain Whole World For Low Price Of His Soul

HOUSTON, TX—During his annual morning devotions Thursday, prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen was excited to learn he can gain the whole world for the low, low price of just his soul.

After dusting off his Bible and cracking open the pristine pages, Osteen let the book fall open to a random page.

"Wow, what a deal!" he exclaimed as he read Jesus's words in Matthew 16: "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?"

"An entire world for one soul?" he said, his mind reeling with all the possibilities. "Does that include expensive houses, cars, and all the other luxuries the world can afford? Oh boy, this could be huge." Osteen then studied the text closely looking for any kind of loophole, but couldn't find one. "I thought for sure there would be some kind of downside to this."

"This is too good to be true!" he shouted excitedly as he began looking for a place to sign his name.

At publishing time, Osteen was overjoyed to learn he was already well on the way to sealing the deal.

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