I was watching Julian Assange’s recent interview with Ron Paul in which the WikiLeaks Editor-in-Chief responded to CIA Director Mike Pompeo’s Constitution-vandalizing comments about Assange in a controversial speech in mid-April, and I was reminded of something Pompeo said in that speech which didn’t get nearly enough attention at the time. In addition to demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the First Amendment and inventing imaginary categorizations out of thin air like “non-state hostile intelligence service,” Pompeo spoke about trust.

“We’re not tapping anyone’s phone in my hometown of Wichita,” the CIA Director said of the public’s concerns about government surveillance. “Now, I know there’ll always be skeptics, and we need to build trust with them.”

“And finally, and perhaps most importantly, we need to deepen the trust between the intelligence community and the citizens that we aim to protect,” Pompeo said later in his speech. “At CIA I can assure you that we’re committed to earning that very trust every day. We know that we can never take it for granted.”

Well cool! It just so happens that I’ve been putting a lot of thought into why nobody trusts the CIA and what could be done to fix that. Here are three humble suggestions I’ve come up with for ways Mike Pompeo and the CIA could build trust with the American public:

1. Leave Julian Assange the fuck alone.

Seriously. Leave him alone. If you say you want to build trust with the public, then locking up a man who’s helped bring transparency to your shady dealings is a very strange place to start. The American people had a right to know that the CIA had lost control of its immense hacking arsenal and covered it up. The American people had a right to know that the CIA had been actively cultivating the ability to forge signs of Russian cyber intrusions prior to the alleged (and still completely unproven) Russian hacking of Democratic party officials. The American people had a right to know that the CIA knew about weaknesses in American software and deliberately left them open for the purposes of espionage. The American people had a right to know that the CIA has been working on hacking programs for vehicle control systems, which could enable untraceable assassinations. They know these things now, and it’s good that they know them.

If you want someone to trust you, you’re starting off on the wrong foot if as soon as you’re appointed you begin trying to lock up transparency advocates. That’s like, pretty much the exact opposite of the sort of thing a trustworthy person would do. A trustworthy person is open and honest, and when he makes a mistake, he admits it and fixes it. He doesn’t go around fabricating absurd reasons to prosecute the people who could expose their misdeeds.

2. Stop being such fucking assholes.

Now this one shouldn’t be too hard to do, and I think it would do a whole lot for the CIA’s image. You know how you guys are always doing horrible, evil things, Mike Pompeo? The assassinations and coups? The predatory drug trafficking? Interfering in dozens of foreign elections? Arming known terrorist groups in Syria? Torturing people and then hacking your own government to try and cover it up? You know, those sorts of things? Maybe give that a rest, huh?

If you want people to trust you, it’s probably a bad idea to go around acting like a bunch of coked-out Mafia thugs. Stick to keeping America safe instead of always trying to bully and manipulate the entire world. Take out terrorists, keep an eye on everyone’s nukes and make sure China doesn’t take over the world while no one’s looking; that’s all you’re really needed for. All that supervillain stuff hurts your brand.

3. Stop fucking lying to everyone.

Stop lying about Russia. Stop lying about Syria. Stop lying about WikiLeaks. Stop inserting influence into the media so that you can manipulate and deceive people. Stop lying to us. Just stop. Lying and trust are poor bedmates. Stop being creepy, manipulative compulsive liars and maybe you’ll be seen in a more positive light.

Well I hope that helped! Best of luck to you and happy trails on your journey toward trustworthiness, CIA! As long as you change literally every single thing about yourselves, you’ve totally got this.

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