WAITSFIELD – A public drinking fountain in Waitsfield, VT is disappointed in the newer models popping up around the state, and is questioning some of what it calls the “distractions” that are in fashion among the younger fountains.

“I squirt water into people’s mouths. That’s my job. I don’t need to diversify,” the fountain said. “Time was, that was what all of us did. Nobody complained, nobody died of thirst, in fact they thanked us for it. But now you see some of these newer guys with sensors and water bottle filling nozzles, filters, gizmos, doohickeys, it’s nonsense. What if someone bends down for a cool refreshing sip of my water, and their head trips the water bottle sensor up top? Chaos! I’d never allow it. But people are being duped, and some of us older units are seeing fewer and fewer drinkers come up to us. Everyone’s over at the shiny new fountain. Look, I have one job, and I do it well. I don’t need it watered down.”

The newer fountains are not concerned, and say that the future is clearly a multi-tasking water fountain. The older fountains, they say, will eventually die out and be replaced by the newer models, rendering their concerns irrelevant. “I’m not worried,” said one Elkay EZH2O. “It’s a waiting game. Once all those old guys die, their ideas die with them and then we have a smooth path to change the world for the better.”

“That’s exactly the kind of attitude I’m talking about,” said the older fountain. “If we leave everything up to the kids, we’re going to end up with water fountains that take pictures, give out wi-fi, sell snacks, and do everything but provide free water, and then where will the world be? In hot water, that’s where.”