Have you ever felt left out at church, like you don’t fit into your ward, or that even as an adult, you are still not one of the “cool kids”? Have you felt like your ward does not need you and that maybe people in your ward feel like they would be better off without you there? If you have, you are not alone.

I have had the opportunity to live in many wards in various geographical locations in Canada and the United States. In every ward, there have been at least some people who feel left out and not a part of the ward culture, and in some wards, there have been many people who have felt that way. Sometimes, I have felt that way myself.

Feeling unwanted, unneeded, or even an outcast in our wards causes heartache. Sometimes, we may be causing our own isolation. For me, there have been times when I felt rejected by members of my ward and essentially isolated myself by sitting alone in the corner, not talking to anyone and not attending the activities. But most of the time, I think sisters feel isolated because the general population of the ward is not willing to open up and let other people into their inner circles. Some wards and some Relief Societies do have cliques.

I had one ward where I tried very hard to make friends. I threw big parties. I tried inviting people to my home for a play group, a humanitarian group, and a girl’s night out, but hardly anyone ever came. In the five years, that we lived there, I never really made any friends. I felt bitter. But I knew that would not help. Reminding myself of the good things that happened in the ward, as well as all of the service that the ward members gave, really helped me to see the light in the people there.

Church and Relief Society are not supposed to be this way. And, we as sisters in Relief Society, should not be fine with this. Whether we feel alone and like the outcast, or a part of the “cool kids” at church, we ought to be doing what we can to make changes so that everyone in our ward feels welcome. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, building up Zion should be our goal. We ought to be of one heart and of one mind with no poor among us. That certainly means no poor in spirit too. We need to be lifting the feeble knees, mourning with those who mourn and strengthening those who stand in need of strengthening. We should be extending sincere friendship to the out-going sisters, as well as the shy ones. As a mother of many, I know that I would not want to see cliques among my own children, and I am sure that Heavenly Father does not like seeing cliques among His children. Here are some suggestions that can help you feel good about your ward and the relationship you have with the people there.

Forgive quickly. As Elder Jörg Klebingat of the Seventy taught, “Forgive everyone, everything, all the time, or at least strive to do so, thus allowing forgiveness into your own life. Don’t hold grudges, don’t be easily offended, forgive and forget quickly, and don’t ever think that you are exempt from this commandment. Spiritual confidence increases when you know that the Lord knows that you bear no ill feelings toward another soul.” No matter what someone has done or is doing to you, you are always happier, and frankly much better off by forgiving and forgiving quickly. Remember, you have too many good things to do, to waste time on thinking angry thoughts and holding grudges. Be the best visiting teacher you can be. If you are feeling alone in your ward, the chances are many other people are feeling the same way. Do your best to contact your sisters and make them your best friends. We really do need each other, and visiting teaching helps us to form close relationships and help other people in a way that no other church program can. Julie B Beck said, “Now visiting teachers have the responsibility to ‘sincerely come to know and love each sister, help her strengthen her faith, and give service.’” Serve wherever you can. Serve freely to everyone whenever you can. Serve in your family. Serve in your ward. Serve in your community. Serve by smiling and saying hello. Serve by sitting next to someone who is sitting alone. Serve by bringing in a meal that was not asked for. Be the one to spread a little bit of sunshine where ever you go. If you are not called to serve in your ward or stake, pray for guidance of where the Lord needs your service. When I moved into the ward that I live in now, I did not get offered a calling for more than 8 months. After the first few months of not having a calling, I felt let down. I knew that I needed to be serving outside my own home and family. I prayed for help. The Lord directed me and told me what to do. I listened and the Spirit led me to service opportunities outside my knowledge and experience. I have been able to share the gospel and spread light in many different ways. I know that not getting a calling was part of the Lord’s plan to use me where He needed me more. Refrain from criticism. It does not help to dwell on the faults of others. Look for the good in all of the people in your ward. Make your home a holy place. Next to the Temple, the safest place in the world should be the home. Every week, as we partake of the Sacrament, we are promised that if we keep the commandments, then we will always have the Spirit to be with us. We can extend that promise to our homes. If we keep the commandments, we can always have the Spirit in our homes. This means kindness, softer voices, forgiveness, and love abounding. It means being very, very careful about movies, music, and websites. Our family members can and should be our very best friends and the people we can rely on the most. When we feel left out and unwanted at church, it’s a beautiful thing to go home and feel that we are a wanted and a necessary part of our families. Study the scriptures and gain a testimony so strong that if your whole ward left the Church, you would still be standing strong. If all else fails, provide yourself with a firm foundation. In Heleman 5:12, it says, “And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.” Daily scripture study will provide a firm foundation that will be nearly impossible to break down. Make sure that your testimony is based in the scriptures and not in the people at church.

Remember, we are called to build Zion. Become a builder of that great city. The more we learn of the doctrine of Jesus Christ, and the more we reach out to others, the closer we get to Zion. And in Zion, there are no cliques.