LOS ANGELES—Hollywood leading man Brad Pitt hissed and skittered away into the safety of the woods surrounding his house Friday after reading a screenplay from his agent and detecting the musk of fellow actor Chris Pine on its pages, numerous sources reported. Witnesses confirmed that upon receiving the 158-page draft of a Civil War drama during a meeting at his home, Pitt began furiously sniffing up and down the binding and back cover in search of any scent markings, eventually detecting Pine’s pheromones while flipping through the second scene. After his eyes widened and his ears pricked back, the 51-year-old actor reportedly bolted away from the script, exiting through a back door at full speed and disappearing into the underbrush. Those present said that after an exhaustive search, an assistant with a flashlight found the whimpering Golden Globe winner hiding under a neighbor’s porch, covered in dirt and shrinking back from anyone who attempted to approach him. At press time, Pitt’s agent was seen frantically attempting to coax the actor out with an option contract for a Chuck Palahniuk novel, only to be urinated on in response.

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