TJ the Amazing Atheist took in a deep breath of fresh weed, it was exquisite. But TJ couldn’t just sit here and smoke weed, no! He needed to sit here and smoke weed as well as start work. What kind of job could TJ have that would allow him to work while smoking weed? Well only the best job imaginable! A job as a host of the drunken peasants podcast! TJ was one of the four host of the drunken peasants podcast otherwise known as DP. It was basically four fat, white, neck beards named TJ, Scotty, Ben, and Paul who would sit around and make fun of stupid and crazy videos on the internet.

Their jokes were maybe a bit lowbrow but they were lowbrow of the funny variety. They would also sometimes take a break from the jokes to strike a more intellectual tone to talk about politics and to do social commentary. Sometimes they would even have guests on, to do the show with them and even to have debates. They had an atheistic and liberal perspective but were against social justice warriors.

Now that TJ had a nice high going from the weed he went through the motions of starting the podcast up. The podcast was always streamed live and then afterwards it would go up on YouTube. The peasants sat back and waited for the intro to end so that they could start talking. When the intro finally ended, the peasants didn’t immediately start playing a video for them to make fun of or argue with, even though they had a plethora of videos lined up to play. The peasants just sat and talked about some trivial dribble. They always started the show off like this and the audience hated it. Ben stopped talking to the other peasants and just watched the chat where the viewers could leave comments for all the other viewers and even the peasants themselves to read. The chat was mostly filled with Nazis typing in all caps “SIEG HEIL!” and posting pictures of swastikas as well as other people typing “End the show! END IT!” even though the show had just started. The chat seemed to always be filled with Nazis, but generally if you just ignored the Nazis they weren’t much of a problem.

What Ben was really looking for in the chat was someone complaining about how boring this part of the podcast was, and there were plenty of comments like that. Normally, if an ordinary business gets a complaint from its customers it tries to tend to the needs of the customer as quickly and as effectively as possible. But the drunken peasants podcast was no ordinary business, when their fans complained the peasants responded by telling them they were a bunch of whiny faggots. And yet the show continued to be popular and successful.

“Well,” said TJ “guess it’s time to play a video.” Now the show had started for real. The peasants watched feminist slam poetry and made fun of how bad it was. Then they watch a video by their arch nemesis Brett Keane or as they called him “the manatee!” (because he kind of looks like one) Brett Keane had once been a respected atheist on YouTube but had become a Christian who begs for money on the internet and stirs up nonstop YouTube drama with his constant lying and back stabbing. The peasants offered up atheistic counter arguments to Brett’s theistic ones then they moved on to the next video. The peasants groaned when they saw what was next, it was a Prageru video with Denis Prager himself speaking about limited government. The peasants tried their best to argue with Mr. Prager but his superior logic was simply too much for them. In the end the peasants just called him retarded and declared victory for themselves.

“Okay, I have one more video to watch then I think we’ll wrap it up” said Ben.

“Oh yeah, this video is the worst thing you’ve ever seen!” said Paul.

“Oh, really what is it?” chuckled TJ.

“it’s egghead.” The smile on TJ’s face instantly disappeared as the color drained from his face.

“O-oh… egghead, ha e-egghead, ha you know that that guy is is pretty… cringy!”

TJ’s brother Scotty responded “yes TJ, we all know about Egghea-”

“do you remember when he made that X-Wing joke and and it wa-was really unfunny and and not funny” TJ stammered with a forced smile on his face.

Ben glared at TJ “yes TJ we know this. Why are you wasting so much time explaining things we already know?”

Sweat was beginning to appear on TJ’s brow “well yeah I mean you know HA you you know egghead we all know egghead you know how egg head is he he is cringe you know? HA!” Paul stared at TJ the amazing atheist with a look of annoyance, all the peasants looked at TJ annoyed. No one said anything they just looked at TJ and TJ looked back with a painfully forced smile and sweat covering his face.

“you kn-know I don’t think we even need to be watching anymore of Egghead’s videos y-you know?”

“TJ, are you alright?” demanded Paul.

“of course of course never b-better!” TJ said nodding vigorously.

“well I just ask because- TJ! YOU CAN STOP NODDING NOW!” TJ stopped nodding and held his head perfectly still. Ben looked away from the screen, TJ’s Exaggerated forced smile was too awkward to look at. TJ started scratching furiously.

“s s s so, we’re not doing Egghead right? We’re skipping him! Yes? no?” TJ stammered.

“no, we’re not skipping him. It’s like what? Why would we even do that?” said Scotty. TJ started nodding again and said in a hurried voice “well, y-you know I was hotching I mean watching Egghead just this norning I mean morning and it it was like ‘Oh yeah’ it was really cringe I mean cringe man I don’t need any more, so I think I’ll just go”

“Hey” said Scotty “you can handle a few minutes of cringe. Just smoke your weed and relax.”

TJ murmured to himself “I don’t care how exquisite the weed is, it all does nothing for me now…” TJ stared off into the distance and murmured blissfully “now that I’ve found something better.”

“TJ, we can hear you” said Scotty. TJ look into the camera with a look of terror and humiliation in his eyes, he didn’t think anyone could hear him.

Ben said “well okay I guess.” then they started the vide-

“NO!” screamed TJ, as he clasped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. He said “lalalalalalalalalalala” to drown out the video and tried to run out the door but slammed his head into the door frame because his eyes were closed. Even with a nasty cut on his forehead TJ ran out the door successful and was gone.

“do you think TJ’s alright?” pondered Paul.

“yeah, he’s fine” bumbled Ben.

“don’t be so fucking clueless, Ben!” scolded Scotty “TJ clearly has something very wrong with him.” The peasants watched the video and finished up the show. Except for the part when TJ ran away, the show went very well, the peasants were satisfied with their work.

A few hours later Scotty started thinking about TJ, he hadn’t seen TJ since the show. He decided to pay TJ a visit in TJ’s room. The door was closed when Scotty got there and when he opened it, it made very little noise. The room was dark, it was night out and the only light in the room was TJ’s computer screen. TJ’s eyes were glued to the screen and he didn’t seem to notice Scotty there. Scotty looked at the screen it was… Egghead’s YouTube channel? TJ was scrolling up and down the list of Egghead’s uploads, his jaw was hanging wide open.

“What the…?” thought Scotty as he quietly took out his camera and started recording. TJ started one of the videos and Egghead’s intro played.

“The Egghead Show!” Egghead’s prerecorded voice said enthusiastically from the computer’s speakers, TJ’s face lit up as he repeated to himself in a whisper “The Egghead Show!” as Egghead was talking about some meaningless nonsense, TJ’s face was of pure enjoyment. His lips were curled upward in a perfect U-shaped smile, his eyes watered with happiness. TJ watched and watched then the video ended.

“no… no… NOOOOO! MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR!” TJ lunged for the mouse, accidentally knocking it to the floor. TJ grabbed the mouse with both hands and brought it back up to the desk. He moved the mouse to select another Egghead video. “come on come on!” he clicked on a video and the words an error has occurred appeared. TJ stood strait up and tore off his shirt and screamed “AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?! OH, GOD WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?” Scotty was genuinely frightened, TJ sounded like he was in genuine pain. His eyes were bright red blood shot, tears and snot ran down his face but he was too upset to care. TJ frantically refreshed the page, after some quick loading the video played and Egghead could be heard talking.

“Okay… so… um hi, I am Egghead and this video……………… this video………… is………. This video………. is… concerning… the……. I am making this video for…” the sound of Egghead’s voice calmed TJ back down, he sat back in his chair and cleaned his face. Before long he was back to his creepy smiling self. Just then Scotty noticed something he didn’t before, TJ had several small pin prick marks on the back of his neck for some reason. Now TJ was rubbing his face against the screen affectionately like a cat. After several minutes, he stopped doing that and went back to watching the video “normally”. Then Egghead told a joke… a really cringe joke… a really really cringe joke. TJ’s body didn’t even know how to react to the immense amount of pleasure the cringe ensued in TJ. His head wrenched back and he bellowed “OAOAOAOAOAOAOAOATH!” as the video went on TJ could not be more happy and Scotty could not be more uncomfortable. When the video ended, TJ closed out of the window, he didn’t need any more Egghead. He laid back, took a deep breath and said “I am no longer an atheist, for truly there is a god and his name is Egghead!” just then TJ saw Scotty standing in the dark recording him. Scotty ran for the door and was gone.

Scotty watched the video he had just filmed, he thought it might be funny for people to watch TJ’s reaction to Egghead. Sure, it was more scary and extremely concerning to watch when Scotty was actually in the room but maybe it would be funny to watch now that he wasn’t actually there. He was wrong, the video was still horrifying to Scotty. “Well” thought Scotty “Maybe the others will find this funny… maybe.”

Over the next couple of days TJ didn’t ask Scotty why he was in his room. He did however seem to be maybe a bit too nice to Scotty, he also smiled a lot more at Scotty than before. Scotty didn’t like it, it was clear TJ was trying to be nice so Scott wouldn’t release the video. But somehow knowing how much TJ didn’t want this video getting out only made Scotty want to share the video more.

“After all,” Thought Scotty “The video doesn’t look that bad for TJ it’s just a little embarrassing.”

But now it was time for the next episode of the drunken peasants’ podcast. The peasants put on a fairly above average DP show, they did troll or not a troll, made fun of a video by the Vigilant Christian Mario, and everyone’s favorite Brett Keane. Brett made a video about how he wasn’t trying to bring down DP even though there was more than enough evidence of Brett trying to end the drunken peasants’ podcast on numerous occasions with hilariously stupid plans. The show was going well, there were more people watching the show than usual, which was fantastic even if it means more retards and Nazis in the chat than usual.

“Okay enough of the manatee. What’s next?” asked Ben.

“I actually have this video of uh… TJ.” Said Scotty.

“Scotty, what video is this?” demanded TJ worried.

“you’ll see.” Scotty smirked at TJ as the TJ the amazing atheist shook his head and mouthed “no!”

Paul laughed “oh, shoot TJ what’s in this video that you don’t want us to see?”

“Hmmm, well let’s see Paul” Scotty said with a smile on his face but on the inside, he wasn’t so sure it was right of him to show this video. But what was he worried about? The peasants had shown embarrassing videos of each other on this show before and they all just laughed it off, why would this be any different? The video started.

“Ha, TJ why are you on Egghead’s channel?” laughed Ben. TJ remained silent.

“Ha! It looks like you’re enjoying it TJ!” laughed Paul. TJ remained perfectly still. As the peasants watched the recording Ben and Paul’s laughter turned to nervous laughter then to the occasional forced laughter and then… silence. The peasants were horrified by what they saw. Once they reached the part where the first Egghead video TJ was watching ended and he started screaming, Ben’s lower lip began to tremble. Paul looked away and tried to remove his headphones but his hands were too shaky to do so. As the video continued Scotty, Ben, and Paul kept watching even though they were all greatly troubled by what they saw, TJ’s head was hung in shame and his face contorted with anger. Even the chat, which was usually a buzzing hornet’s nest of retards and Nazis, had gone silent as the viewers sat and gawked with not a clue of what to think.

When they reached the part where TJ bellowed “OAOAOAOAOAOAOAOATH!” Ben said weakly “okay, enough.” And hurried away. Paul, with his frozen wide eye expression, finally got the head phones off and went off to arrange to talk with a therapist. TJ had tears in his eyes.

“T- TJ, I’m sorry” apologized Scotty.

“h- how c- could you” TJ struggled to get out. TJ and Scotty looked at each other for a few minutes, during which time the video ended. Half the viewers had stopped watching the podcast, most of the likes had turned to dislikes, and the subscriber count was now Brett Keane levels bad. Without words the show was ended early and the brothers parted.

Scotty sat on his bed and with his head hung in shame. What was wrong with him? He felt so badly about destroying TJ’s public image that he didn’t even think about the fact that he had single handedly destroy DP. Scotty stood strait up. He couldn’t just sit here and sulk! He had to go apologize to TJ! He went to go pay TJ a visit in his room. As he approached the door he heard footsteps and creaking from inside TJ’s room but when he entered the room there was no one there! Scotty looked around the room and noticed a strange rectangle shaped crease in the wall. Scotty approached the crease, within the rectangle was a picture hung on the wall. When Scotty pulled on the picture the crease opened up into… a door! Scotty pushed the door closed, when the door was closed properly you couldn’t see the crease in the wall. Whoever had closed the door, had done it in a hurry.

Scotty opened the secret door and saw stairs going down to some kind of a room. Scotty tip-toed down the stairs. What he found at the bottom was some kind of a bedroom. Scotty studied his surroundings, this place seemed oddly familiar. “Where have I seen this room before?” though Scotty, as he continued to look around. But then it dawned on him where he had seen this room before. The horrible realization hit him like a brick wall and was accompanied by nausea. Scotty heard a grotesque noise come from his gut which felt like it had been lit on fire. He collapsed to his hands and knees with a thud, when a solid stream of Scotty’s lunch was fired from his mouth like water from a fire hose. It splattered everywhere getting on the walls and even the ceiling. It stopped, giving Scotty a chance to have a breather and think more about where he was. These thoughts made him throw up even more! The force propelled him upward into the air, and then on to his back. When it stopped, Scotty laid on his back breathing heavily, covered in half digested food.

“hey!” a voice said “I appreciate you stopping by, but could you please not throw up orn my bedroom floor?”

Scotty slowly turned his head to face the silhouette of the speaker. It was Brett Keane alright. Scotty got on his feet and said “Well, if it isn’t the manatee situation.”

“I hardly never even say that word anymore, why do you keep using it to insult the piss out of me?” said Brett as Scotty rolled his eyes.

“Brett what’s going on here?” demanded Scotty.

“I’ve been living down here for almost a year” Brett revealed “It’s no coincidence TJ moved in here I made sure of that”

Brett beckoned towards his desktop computer screen where he had his email opened.

“I’ve sent TJ an email telling him to watch a specific Egghead video, I lied and said Egghead sides with me in the video, so TJ would actually watch it. After that I hacked TJ’s web cam so I could see when he was watching the video. Then when he was watching I snuck out of here and into TJ’s room where I injected his neck with dopamine!”

“uh, what the fuck Brett?” asked Scotty.

“The dopamine was so powerful TJ didn’t even notice, he watched more Egghead videos and I gave him more dopamine. Eventually his brain started to associate Egghead with pleasure.”

Brett Keane laughed evilly “I knew this would destroy the drunken peasants, and now I actually have more subscribers than you.”

Scotty trembled with anger “I’m going to beat your ass, Brett!”

Brett responded “you can’t beat me, atheist. I have god orn my side. And if I win the fight I want you to swear your loyalty to Jesus, and If you win I’ll leave YouTube forever.” Scotty didn’t believe Brett would really leave YouTube but he did want to beat up Brett.

“Okay manatee you’re on!” Scotty and Brett decided to live stream the event on Brett’s channel. But before they did that, they wanted to get someone on Skype to be the referee. Doing this took a while because Brett had uninstalled Skype from his computer and reinstalling it took longer than usual. When it finally installed it didn’t open, the two searched on google for a solution, they tried six or seven of them before they got it to work. Next, they needed to decide who was going to be the referee. They discussed the matter but couldn’t come to an agreement so they decided to not have any referee at all. Brett then went about getting the live stream started, as he did he accidentally revealed that he had been recording his conversations with Scotty secretly. Even after Scotty saw Brett end and save the recording then close the window, Brett still denied it. After the live stream, had started, Brett and Scotty went on twitter to alert as many people as possible that the live stream was going on. After hardly any time at all the live stream had thousands of people watching, and that number kept growing. Brett and Scotty made sure the video and audio quality was adequate, this took longer than it should have.

At last everything was set up, the only thing to do now was fight.

“I’m just going to use the bathroom real fast, then when I get back we’ll fight!” said Scotty as he ran up the stairs.

“Okay, enjoy your French vanilla situation” called back Brett.

“fuck you, you fat, grey, son of a bitch!” called back Scotty.

Brett Keane chuckled. When Scotty returned, Brett was sitting in his chair with his other computer, a Laptop, open and facing away from Scotty.

“Okay manatee, time to fight!” Challenged Scotty.

Brett responded coolly “hello Scotty, there’s someone I would like you to meet. His name is…” Brett spun around the Laptop.

“Egghead!” Scotty gasped in surprise.

“hey, it’s really great to see you Scotty!” said Egghead with a huge smile on his face.

“*sigh* hi Egghead, how are you” said Scotty unenthusiastically. Egghead responded with an unfunny pun.

“mmm, please stop” complained Scotty. But Egghead didn’t stop, the jokes just kept getting worse and worse. Brett Keane put earplugs in his ears.

“AAHHH, OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!” Scotty screamed as Brett sat there with his toothless grin. Before long Scotty was on the floor cringing. Brett stood up and started full on belly laughing. Brett’s laughter was accompanied by the bloodcurdling and unholy sound of a man trying to scream and cringe at the same time. Scotty clamped his hands over his ears as Brett walked over to him. Brett started kicking Scotty in the balls. Scotty took his hands off his ears to defend his balls but this left his ears open to egghead’s cringy stories, so he put his hands back on his ears.

The live streams chat was astonished, they were saying things like “omg Brett might win!” and “rip in peace Scotty” and “SIEG HEIL!”. Scotty looked up with his tear-filled eyes to see Brett’s laughing face looked down on him, there was no hope left for poor Scotty. Then all of the suddenly, a breathtakingly beautiful, soul warming, and powerful light lit up the poorly lit room, everyone stopped what they were doing to look at this light. It was coming from the Laptop egghead was on. Then in the middle of the machine’s screen appeared a man in long flowing robes and with a long flowing beard and glowing eyes. Everyone could feel it in their souls… this… was God.

God came out from the machine. The atheist watching begged for forgiveness in the chat, Scotty and Brett’s mouth hung open. When god spoke, his speech was too powerful for mere mortals, everyone, even the people watching the live stream, even Brett who had earplugs in, fainted upon hearing his voice, all except for Egghead. God pointed his finger at Egghead’s image on the laptop screen and a bewildered Egghead was teleported into the room. God offered Egghead his hand, Egghead took it and the two of them ascended to heaven.

Then everyone who was still back on earth woke up. Their memories had been erased and the part of the stream god was in had been corrupted.

“Well well manatee, no one to help you now.” Said a determined Scotty as he got back on his feet.

“It would appear so.” Said Brett Keane as he rose up off the ground.

The battle lasted for days, as these two equals drained themselves of everything they had into this fight. For the entire time, none of the viewers stopped watching, they were missing work and school for this but they just couldn’t take their eyes off the screen. More and more people watched the fight has word got out of what was going on. Then TJ came down the stairs. TJ had been too depressed the last few days to even care about the secret stair case in his room that had appeared out of no were. Also, he had unfollowed Scotty on twitter so he didn’t know the fight was happening.

“TJ, call the cops, Brett has been trespassing on your property!” Scotty begged as TJ stood there and took in everything going on.

“Don’t just stand there, go!” yelled Scotty as his strength began to falter. TJ hesitated then ran off to call the police. Realizing that he was in trouble, Brett ran for it and Scotty gave chase. despite the fact that Brett was immensely fat, he performed parkour with grace and ease. But unfortunately for him Scotty also knew parkour. The chase went over fences, across roof tops, and jumping from car to car in moving traffic. Then in an awful turn of events, Scotty fell and broke his arm. Brett stopped running and looked at Scotty.

“Beating your ass will be easy now” said Brett with a grin on his face. Scotty turned and ran. The pursuer had become the pursued. With his one good arm Scotty took to twitter. Scotty had lost a lot of twitter followers because of what he did on the last episode of DP but he had gained the followers back by his battle with Brett Keane. Scotty told his followers in Seattle to meet him at a specific alley in Seattle. When Scotty and Brett got there, there were thirty atheists already there waiting. The atheist encircled Brett, and one at a time they attacked, and one at a time Brett crippled them.

“Okay Scotty, I finished your atheist thugs” Brett said heaving and out of breath surrounded by twitching and moaning atheist “Where are you?!”

“Here” Scotty brought his foot up into Brett’s crotch from behind, finally bringing down the exhausted man.

When the police got there, they arrested Brett. TJ, Ben, and Paul also showed up to watch Brett getting arrested. As Brett was forced into the back of the police car he said

“Mark my words atheists, no prison can hold me. I will escape and when I do you low-life individuals will have a particularly unpleasant time situation.”



“He said it! He said situation!” jeered Ben.

“What? No, I didn’t!” insisted Brett as the car drove away.

“No, I didnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’t!” Brett yelled off in the distance. The drunken peasants laughed. TJ turned to Scotty and said with tears in his eyes

“Scotty, I just want you to know that *sniff* I love you *sniff* and you’re the best brother anyone could ask for.”

“Oh TJ, I am so sorry about what I did to you”

“it’s okay I forgive you!” the brothers hugged and made up.

Later that Week the peasants did another show.

“We ready?” Asked TJ before the show started.

“Hell yeah!” responded Ben.

“More than ready.” Said Paul.

“Come on let’s do this already!” Yelled Scotty.

“Well then” said TJ “time to get this show on the road.”

The End