(My fiancée and I are both horrible nerds, and very, very drunk. I’m watching the Screw Attack Death Battle series on YouTube.)

Me: “See, they even say it: Princess Peach vs Princess Zelda is matching the ‘two most useless damsels in distress.’- ”

Fiancée: “Well, Peach is f***ing useless, but the only times Ganon invades is when Zelda’s been deprived of her powers. She’s actually a really powerful sorceress!”

Me: “Then why isn’t she the main character of the games? Why does she need to be rescued by an effeminate man in a Peter Pan costume?”

Fiancée: “Because he’s the Hero of Time!”

Me: “Effeminate man in a Peter Pan costume!”

Fiancée: “Hero of Time!”

Me: “I should post this on Not Always… but butt-hurt Link fanboys…”