Hello denizens of Cat Scratch Reader. I'm Dino, and I'll be writing instead of my wiseguy nephew Erik this week. Can you believe the nerve of this guy? What, does he think he's some kind of special writer/chef combination or somethin? Hey Ma! Look at Edgar Allen Flay over here! Changing the world by making food and writing about football. I don't like it. The way is supposed to go... you got your football talk over here... then you got your chick stuff like cooking magazines and recipes and noise over there... you can't have both. That's like trying to be both Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner, its weird, and there's something off about it to me.

Anyway, I told Erik that I was gonna write the column this week since his Panthers will be facing my beloved New York Giants, aka, THE G MEEEEENNNNNNNNNN BABY!!! You don't like it? Tough. Who cares about you anyway? For the rest of you, stick around, maybe we share a few laughs, maybe I get drunk and tell you about the time my friend Mitchie lost his big toe on a subway platform.

So you guys beat the piss outta the Atlanta Falcons last week. Big freaking deal. They're a bunch of schmucks anyhow, especially that Matt Ryan. Matty Ice? Fuhgettaboutit. I've seen better ice at the corner of 158th and Broadway waiting for a ride for the night... if you get my meaning. I will admit, it was impressive the way yous guys put the kibosh on Julio Jones... but Julio ain't no Odell Beckham Jr. He's pretty good... but the ODB is an artist, and he's gonna use Josh Norman's face as his next canvas. You can bet. On. That.

Hot Plates

Cam Newton's Wing Flavor of the Week - Doug Flutie

This section is stupid, except in this one particular case in which I am writing it. Look, I see it this way. Wings are from Buffalo. Doug Flutie played in Buffalo. Buffalo will always be 2nd place. Cam Newton will always be 2nd place to Eli Manning. Bahdabing... Doug Flutie flavored wings. Don't get me wrong, Cam Newton is having a great season, and he may very well win the MVP... but that's only because Tom Coughlin told Eli to save his arm for the playoffs. Speaking of Cam, what is with this "dabbing" stuff? A little dab of this, a little dab of that... I hope he dabs on Jason Pierre-Paul one time... just one time... then you can bet JPP will start popping off like the 4th of July. Wait, forget I said that.

Ted Ginn Jr. - Heat Rating - A slice from Big Sal's in the old neighborhood

My know-it-all nephew over here keeps telling me to stop referencing foods that you people have likely never eaten. "They don't know who or where Big Sal is" he says... Well, that ain't my problem. If you've not had a slice of Big Sal's pizza over on Allerton Avenue, then you guys got the wifi. Goggle it or whatever yous guys do to not be stupid no more. Anyway. Best slice in the city. Sometimes the pepperoni can be a little greasy... but so can Ted Ginn's hands amirite? Seriously if that guy drops another football, your people outta make him watch tape on Odell Beckham Jr. for like the rest of his life. ODB could catch hypothermia in a desert, Ted Ginn jr. couldn't catch the A-Train to North Bronx at 7pm. What I'm saying is... that should be easy. Like catching a subway train at peak hours. Since I apparently gotta spoon feed my humor to yous southern types.

Luke Kuechly - Heat Rating - A meatball grinder from Lou's Sandwich Stop on 5th

Yeah, yeah, yeah they don't know who Lou is blah blah blah, again. Ain't my problem. I'm writing this article... and I'm doing it better than a poor shlum like you ever could. Go help your grandmother with the dishes! Anyway, how about this Luke Kuechly, eh? This guy could still find the football if you dipped it in Marinara sauce and tossed it onto Mulberry street with a side of garlic bread. Anyhow, nobody makes a meatball grinder like Lou. Best in the city. And no one grinds it out on defense like Luke. Best in YOUR city. Hey, Lou and Luke even kinda sound alike. What? You think that's a coincidence?!? Get the shmutz outta your eyes and have some respect!

Jonathan Stewart - Heat Rating - "Shrimp and Grits"

There. You happy now, Erik? Is that a culinary masterpiece more "in tune" with your target audience? Do you feel that a "Grit" accurately represents what Jonathan Stewart is all about? Because I have no idea what the F*** a Grit is and how you use it in food. But I hear yous guys like to mix it with buttah... because of course you do. You're from the south right? It's all about the buttah down there. That and your biscuits. What are you English or something? Whatever happened to toast? Or why don't you man up and eat a bagel? Anyway. Since I have no idea what a "Grit" is, I will assume that it is tough and gritty, like Mr. Stewart, whom I am glad is not playing us on Sunday because he is tough to bring down... and our defense couldn't tackle a math problem if you gave us a calculator and dropped us in Chinatown.

Cold Salads

What is this? Leftover Friday at Peterman's Deli? Get outta town. Ain't nobody on your team doing a bad job after shutting out another NFL team. Even the challenges were going the Carolina Panthers way when they shouldn't have. Erik wanted me to get picky about Mike Remmers but screw that... you just shut a division rival out. Enjoy the momentary hubris before my G MEN bring you back to Earth.

Uncle Dino's Gameday Food of the Week

Like I said earlier... I'm not really down with the whole blending of cooking and football, but I understand this is real important to the whole "theme" of what he's trying to do here. So without further ado... for all you closet cases looking to put your aprons on before the big game, here is the food I suggest you make and bring to me, so that I may eat it.

An Honest to God Reuben

Look. I love the food in the south. I really do. You guys with your bar-b-q that is actually a meat and not an event, and your deep friers, and your macaroni and cheese... I dig it. It gives me the itis everytime I come to visit. But you people need to learn something about sandwiches, and how they should ideally be made. I can't find a passable Reuben from the moment I hit Delaware and head south. So may I present to you a recipe for an honest to god Reuben sandwich that you can each make for me, when I come to visit your homes, and watch my New York Giants win.

Thank you for listening to my much improved version of Made from Scratch. I will probably regret saying this, but maybe double reverse psychology might work...

KEEP POUNDING.