We received the following email this afternoon from a 23-year-old former student of the University of Tennessee AND the University of Alabama. He is seeking employment. Instead of simply explaining how he’d be a valuable asset to Grandex, he typed 1,300 words of devastating insults for nearly our entire staff.

Here it is, unedited:

Names [name redacted] and I’m actually from Johnson City, TN. No it’s not a fictional place in a stupid fucking song that gets played more then it should it’s actually a beautiful place in the mountains. However, after spending my college years in Tuscaloosa and Knoxville it’s getting really depressing. That’s why Im emailing you degenerates and recovering alcoholics to fix that. I have been blessed with the gift of being a comedic asshole and my insults have been known to make dicks shrink, pussies wet, and grown men cry. To get the attention of you fine folks and to show you I can be a huge asset to your company I thought what better way to absolutely fuck this up or hit a home run by insulting every single one of you on this email. Although I don’t know you it’s worth a shot. All in good fun boys and squirrels here we go.

Karl and Dylan you’re exempt because you both have stupid fuck avatars and I can’t really get a grasp on insulting you because clearly you’re both not an asset to the company and your lives are awful already.

Tasha

Gotta be real. You are supa fine and I would love to take you to a nice seafood dinner and call you again. Tried to google you but the only Tasha Bates that comes up is a woman who murdered her two sons…. With that said ill let you slide on the account of such an unfortunate name. Plus I don’t want to ruin my chances of swimmin in that party hole of yours. 😉

Ad

Gotdamn man, I honestly don’t know whats more likely the Tide losing another game or you losing the rest of your fucking hair before football season ends. 1 word… Rogaine. Do yourself a favor.

Jordan

Let me guess brah ZBT? I cant believe you’re the head of directing and not accounting. Ha just fucking with you Im sure your kick ass at what you do. After all Spielberg, Woody Allen, and Coen.

Rhyne

First of all who on earth fucking named you. In your picture you appear to be the head coach of a Premier league soccer team well kept gets a haircut twice a week and reads GQ while taking a slam instead of getting on your phone and looking at porn or reading twitter like the rest of the straight male population.

Justin

Good lord are you the Benjamin Button of Grandex or something because you look like you’re 13. It’s either the tattoos by Crayola or just your physical appearance in general… Cant really put my finger on it. Good thing is when you’re 40 you can still go to the frat house and hit on the young bitches because they wont know the difference between you or the newboy they bumped with.

Dan

Every squad has to have that midshape meat head who takes advantage of every opportunity to wear a tank. Dans the kind of guy who blows down lines of pre-workout before the bar just so he can feel “swole” Brutherrrr.

Carter

Don’t mind carter just the local virgin trying to make it as a “starving artist” which he appears to be doing really well because he probably only weighs about 120 lbs covered in his dads semen.

Vince

Vince just looks like your average middle aged divorced father of three who just got done tanking his 401k. Im just glad he’s taking it in the positive direction by taping 40’s of beer to his hands instead of .40 caliber handguns. Roll Tide Vince, Roll Tide.

Harrison

Your picture is like Night and day. It looks like you have a supplementary persona because the picture of you in the suit makes you look like you just got done buttchuggin a Zima and the other one looks like you just got done turbo poundin Veronica from behind. Pick one man… Find your beach.

Charley

Dolla Dolla Bills yall. Glad too see you’re making it rain with your entire paycheck Switch jobs with Gershowitz and lets really see this company skyrocket.

Lauralee

Probably comes from a good southern family and never been kissed. That’s of course until she had her first cup of xanax hunch punch and became the DKE goat. From on your knees to pray to on your knees gobblin pipe. #ProudParents

Andrew

The stereotypical six beers in and then it’s “Come at me bro” Business man by sobriety amateur cage fighter by inebriation.

Allison

Allison spends her free time being the definition of a basic bitch. Smoking weed, drinking red wine, and catching up on Girls. Life could not get any more depressing for this sweetheart. Also plays a huge role of importance being the copy editor. Whose knob is she slobbin on to be on payroll?

Stephen

Clearly Grandex hires people of all sexual orientation.

Austin

Where on earth did you buy a deep V button down? Impressive, you also look like a deranged serial killer in your picture… I would definitely have you on watch for violence in the workplace.

Kelsey

Anal for sure.

Charles

Yeah LAX brooo. We all know that stick doubles for Lacrosse and a comfy seat. We’re all talking about it.

Catie

Looks like your typical southern belle, chugs red wine, cries all the time, and tells guys shes on birth control but she isnt because shes in the hopes of getting pregnant and locking shit down forever… We all know your kind. Team pullout.

Brad

Some profile pictures speak 1,000 words… Yours however says one… and thats rape. Holy.shit. your picture is creepy. Mr. Harvey from the Lonely Bones creepy.

Jake

Jake is just your typical nice guy. Always great to have around the office but when it comes to post work shenanigans you’d rather have lupus than go out for some drinks with him and hear about “Fulfillment” or whatever the fuck he does.

Barrett

Barrett has the haircut of that little foreign dude from Million Dollar Listing New York… (dont believe me look that shit up) He spends his spare time buttfucking Rhyne and you can catch him at the local gay bar.

John “Nazi” Naffziger

Nothing like having the last name of a fucking syndrome. Don’t pair this guy with you know who.

Joe

Never had a haircut, girlfriend, or anything to be proud of. Possibly a Mississippi State grad.

Blake

Texas native, just for men mustache, and will hit on anything that has a dick.

Brain (he meant Brian)

Appears to have a mouthful of jizz in his profile picture clearly showing his role of being the head DJ of throat music in the workplace.

Felser

An extremely depressed alcoholic who rails lines of Prozac just to get up in the mornings. Gets home from work and drinks a bottle of Johnny Walker Red and proceeds to call his ex girlfriend. Two restraining orders later he’s the David Blaine of Technology.

Veronica

Working with some grade A milk I see. You got hired for two reasons.

Nick

Just judging by the picture it looks like Nick’s lifelong goal is to quit this job and become the next Bachelor.

Rob

Rob really did a good job of looking like a queer Easter egg in his photo. Director of Video content along with Director of dicks to the face.

Dillon

Dillon Dillon Dillon. Dillon is the guy who put roofies in a tic tac bottle and dropped those suckers in bitches drinks at the swap. Handsome guy with an average sized dick but whose really countin inches when their asleep? Am I right?

I’m 23 years old and i’m living in Johnson City, Tn… Pledged [fraternity redacted] at Alabama then transferred to Knoxville. Not happy with where I work and where I live and I want to do something I enjoy. I believe that if you put me on board I can help TFM progress greatly.Obviously none of this was personal just trying to get some attention. [phone number redacted]. You miss every shot you don’t take.