As the yearly “day of romance” makes its way into our lives, and we each think about the card, the gift, or the act we are going to do which we would not usually do, I thought it apt to take a moment and reflect on Love & Need.

Love & Need

These are different words with entirely different meanings, but are often mashed together to represent the same thing. I Love you so much, I need you to be happy!” is the theme of many songs, poems and movies. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Love is described as “unselfish loyal concern for the good of another”. The key word here is unselfish. This is synonymous with the words “if you love something, let it go”. If you truly love, then no matter another’s actions of reciprocity towards you, you continue to act benevolently towards them. You are looking out for their best interest out of a genuine caring.

Need is described as “a lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful” or “a condition requiring supply or relief”. This is akin to a child needing its parents to survive, or a seed needing water to sprout. Need is a taking, a necessity to survive or to progress.

So why is it that “I need you” is a common statement between loving couples, looking for serenity in each others’ arms? Why is it that our love for others is almost always dependant on reciprocity, as opposed to genuine love? With time, the “love” that we feel for another drops away with their looks, changed attitudes, or lack of spent time together. Sometimes, if we do not obtain the affections we were used to receiving from the other, this love even turns to anger and frustration. Was this ever “love”? I would assert that it was not. It was a need. We were attached to a feeling, a state. With time, that state changed, and with it, our “love” for another.

“I need you” implies that the person requires another for fulfillment and happiness. But why do we say “I need you” in the first place? It could be that we say it out of fear – fear of being alone, fear of being unfulfilled. And when we enter into relationships out of fear, confusing “need” for “love”, it really is just a matter of time before fear creeps in again. Fear of being left, fear of infidelity, fear of judgment. Fear of being left alone again.

What must be done, in order to truly love others, is to realize that we are each fulfilled with our own selves. We must make the mindful step to become aware that we are each whole, complete, and perfect. No one else in the world can do that for us – we must accomplish this on our own. But how can we do this? One step is mindfulness. Becoming mindful of our thoughts of need and self-worth allows us to nip them in the bud, before they become core beliefs. As soon as an idea of low self-worth or doubt comes into our mind, we can thank them for the viewpoint, remember that we made that up, and continue on with what our best selves would do.

But what if the beliefs of need and low self-worth are already habitual, engrained in our core belief systems? It is comforting to know that they probably are. Comforting? Yes, as it provides us with the insight that everyone is the same as us! But that is a topic for another time.

So how do we begin to examine our core beliefs? Well, one first step is indeed to be mindful – this will help us to notice our beliefs. Another powerful step is to spend time examining where these core beliefs stem from. After all, beliefs don’t just appear! They are formed from prior experiences, and our reactions to those experiences. A major benefit, though emotionally charged and perhaps initially difficult, can come from a simple exercise. In the spirit of true romance and learning about your partner, you could even do this together, examining your beliefs and having an open-hearted discussion about them.

Core Belief Exercise Take a piece of paper, a pen, and write down your beliefs about yourself, your self worth, and why you “need” someone to feel happy. Then, trace back in time to the earliest possible memory you have of thinking that thought. The thought most likely occurred in reaction to an event. The event could be of great significance and trauma, or could be something that someone said in passing, not really thinking it could be interpreted in such a powerful way. Luckily, that event happened a long time ago, and holds no true physical power over you anymore. If you find yourself becoming upset, remember that it was simply an event. Something that happened, and the event itself holds no power over you. Write the event down, as detailed as possible. Then, what you thought, felt, and what belief you created about yourself. It is these thoughts and beliefs you created that hold the real power over you. Not the events, but the beliefs created by the reaction to the events. You can then examine the beliefs you created, and begin to let them go.

This may be difficult for some of us, as events of all kinds can hold different emotional charges. The method, and premise, however, of confronting the past and seeing it simply as an event, and a lifelong reaction to that event, holds the key to releasing the Suffering that is created by this core belief. Once we see where the core belief comes from, we can start to be more mindful in our lives for when it tries to creep into our minds and make us feel less complete than what we really are.

Another step to aid us on our path of love without need, is to adopt a daily practice of loving kindness meditation. A loving kindness meditation can help us to move forward in the path of self-love, and in the process, develop true love for others. People we never thought we could care about: the person that stole, the former intimate partner, even the step-parent! In time, this daily meditation of Loving-Kindness shall also help to develop your mindfulness, become more cognizant of the thoughts and feelings you create within yourself. Following is a link to a wonderful Loving Kindness meditation from Buddhanet. Please take some time to sit back and enjoy it!

So in summary:

Be more mindful Complete the core belief exercise. Bonus if you complete it with your partner! Follow a daily Loving Kindness meditation These steps will surely help you enter your relationships with Love, as opposed to filling a Need.

Happy Valentines Day! Enjoy life and each other!