A distressed Yale senior emails Gawker:

I’d like to remain anonymous, but I also want to let you know about something going on at Yale. It appears that the administration paid to have all the squirrels on campus killed over the summer.

There are no squirrels left at Yale.

As students have begun to realize the genocide that has taken place, they are rising up, enraged and disgusted. Numerous student publications are racing to uncover the scandal, but so far there has been no official statement. Continued fury and uprising is expected.