LOS ANGELES, CA – FEBRUARY 23: Zdeno Chara #33 of the Boston Bruins reacts to a call during the second period against the Los Angeles Kings at Staples Center on February 23, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

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Stupid Riley Sheahan ruined everything!

I talked about it in the PDPR on Wednesday, but he was supposed to be the guy who set the NHL record for most shots in a season without scoring a goal. And instead he scored twice in the last game of the year! I was angrier about it than I should have been, but I was really rooting for that record, man.

Anyway, it got me thinking about all the statistical quirks that come up in a season and how dumb hockey can be. So I dug into the numbers at Hockey Reference, NHL.com, Corsica and more to find a dozen stats that are well and truly stupid.

12. Sheahan no longer the most futile forward

Because he scored two goals on the season, he left only two guys with at least 50 games and zero goals. One of them is Jared Boll, who somehow only managed 13 shots on goal in 51 appearances (the “somehow” is “Jared Boll is horrible”). The other is Vancouver Canucks winger Brendan Gaunce, who played 67 games and put 51 shots on net without scoring.

The guy in the league with the lowest shooting percentage but at least one goal was Jay Bouwmeester, who scored once on 106 shots, giving him a 0.9 percent sh%. However, that’s not even close to the NHL record. Alexei Zhitnik scored one goal on 150 shots in 82 games in 2001-02. Hilarious.

11. Zdeno Chara’s discipline problem

The Bruins took a lot of penalties this year, 22 more than they drew. Which is amazingly hard for a team that has the puck as much as they did.

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I think you can say Zdeno Chara was a bit of a culprit in that. He was on the ice for 64 penalties drawn. He was also on the ice for 104 committed. That minus-40 mark led the league. And good lord, it’s the second year in a row he was minus-40 in penalty differential.

10. Sidney Crosby puts himself in rare company

We all know that 50-goal scorers are rare in the NHL these days. One, maybe two a year. That’s about it.

This year, there weren’t any 50-goal scorers at all. Crosby led the league with 44. That’s the third time there hasn’t been a season with a 50-goal scorer in an 82-game season since 1970-71.

The two other times it happened: 2003-04, when Rick Nash, Jarome Iginla, and Ilya Kovalchuk each scored 41, and 1998-99, when Teemu Selanne scored 47.

Before that you had to go back to 1969-70, when Phil Esposito led the league with 43 goals. Gee whiz, gang.

9. Zbynek Michalek from way downtown

Arizona Coyotes defenseman Zbynek Michalek only attempted five shots this season in about 53 minutes of ice time in all situations. The average distance of those attempts was more than 68 feet from the net.

From the goal line to the blue line, it’s only 64 feet. The farthest you can possibly be from the middle of the goal and still be in the attacking zone is about 77 feet. The rink is 85 feet wide, so the middle of the net gives you an a of 42.5, and the attacking zone (b) is 64 feet deep.

By my math his average shot distance was about 10.05 feet off the boards and 5.67 feet in from the blue line. That’s about halfway between the faceoff dot and the halfwall and a little more than the space between the hashmarks in.

This is gonna shock you, but my man didn’t have a goal in his three games.

(Hell yeah, that drafting class they made me take in high school finally paid off.)

8. T.J. Oshie breaks how shooting percentage is supposed to work

Hey folks before you go stumping for your team to sign T.J. Oshie to some big dumb contract this summer, here’s a quick stat to dissuade you.

He scored 33 goals this season on just 143 shots. He led the league in shooting percentage among players with at least 60 games played.

That ties him for the shootout-era record for highest shooting percentage by a 30-goal scorer at 23.1 percent. The guy he tied with? Well gang, it’s 2005-06 Petr Prucha.

7. Samuel Henley scored on his only shot in his only game

Avs prospect Samuel Henley, who had never played an NHL game before this season, scored at 14:25 of the second period back on Dec. 1 against the Columbus Blue Jackets.

It was his only game of the season. It was his only shot on goal in that game. It was on one of only 10 shifts.

Story continues