Hey, babes, it’s Dude Corner here—a place where I can finally have a dedicated space to speak my mind and give advice to women who are basically lost without me.

My Facebook feed has been flooded with chicks talking about stuff like catcalling and assaults and rape, and I’m like, why complain when you can do something about it? When a man comes at you, you need to be able to defend yourself—which is why you should consider shelling out $300 for a self-defense class.

As my chest tattoo says, “boys will be boys,” and so you need to be prepared, even if in this case, the test is a crime, and doing the homework costs you close to half a month’s rent. This is your responsibility!

If you just dip into your savings and pay for a self-defense class, you can feel safe doing anything at all—walking home, going to a bathroom in a bar, or even trying to do guy stuff like having a job. One time I punched a police officer in the face because he said that Derek Jeter was lame. Does that turn you on?

Some people say that self-defense is beside the point because blah blah the culture of misogyny and male entitlement in America gives toxic permission for men to treat women like sexual objects. Speaking of points, look at my dick! Haha, I got a chub thinking about miniskirts (B-T-Dubs, don’t wear ’em unless you want an onslaught of dick in your grill). I literally don’t know how to handle this kind of discomfort without jokes!!

Anyway, I’m more than happy to be a knight in shining armor for the right girl and fend other dudes off of you—but expecting that you can go out alone looking hot and not at some point have bros come after you is really asking a lot. Men are dawgs! So forget about grad school or whatever dumb thing you were saving up for and pay for a Tae Kwon Do class or some shit so you don’t get hurt when you’re attacked.

Just be careful not to bulk up too much. I don’t want a girl who looks like she could kick my ass.