

Week three bitches! RuPaul’s Drag Race is back and someone left last week and I don’t remember who and this week starts off with Latrice talking about P’s and Poo’s or something. And we’re off!

It’s the workroom and the remaining queens are being bitchy about who left and who stayed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Can we just talk about RuPaul’s suit? It’s like Andy Warhol slept with My Little Pony and birthed the most fabulous gay suit ever.

She-mail is all about some RuPaul shameless self-promotion, which I just love. Honestly no one does it better than Ru. Oh and did you know all of the songs mentioned and played in the show are available on iTunes?

Piyah Martell! It touches me that they brought her on the show. If you aren’t inspired by Miss Pivah than you have no soul.

In teams of two they have to design hats for Miss Piyah. Jiggly is last picked. I wonder why? Cut to bitches tackling each other for Dollar Store Butterflies. They were all relatively cute, well, except for Milan and Latrice’s. Yes Milan, y’all did fail. Butt blurs on the hottie pit crew! Can they come to my house so I can blur their butts?

The main challenge is to make infomercials for two of RuPaul’s albums, Glamazon and Champion. Did you know they are available on iTunes? That’s right, iTunes. Kenya and Phi Phi are teams captains and pick their teams, leaving Madame LaQueer last… again. Ouch. When joining the team, little Miss Kenya not-so-subtly proclaims her dislike of Madame. Subtitles. Shade. Let’s move on.

Does Phi Phi have a little bit of poo smeared underneath her nose? Because she so often has that, “I Smell Shit” Look on her face, I was just wondering. Are you playing the drinking game I started last week? Are you drunk already?

Phi Phi has a brain explosion! Then tells Sharon, “Just put some white powder on your face and look gothic, that’s all we need you to do.” Wow. What a bunt. (See my previous recaps for a definition of this word.)

Team Milan talks about their game plan. Wait. Wasn’t Kenya the team captain? Oh wait, ok, Kenya is talking… oh no she’s not. Milan is talking over her again. RuPaul comes into the room and ask Kenya about her team. Guess who answers? Milan! Girl, you weren’t picked as the team captain. Calm down ladyparts.

RuPaul to The Princess, “You’ve been the quite one, the Zen one. How are you gonna put it all out there?”

The Princess replies, “I think I just haven’t been given the opportunity to do that.”

Um. The opportunity is called RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE!

RuPaul to Phi Phi O’Hater, “How did you get to be captain again?”

Phi Phi replies, “I’m just amazing.”

Burp.

Time for the main challenge! I just have to state my love of infomercials. Come on! Admit it! You’ve been sucked in to them! Whether is like 4am and you’ve been drinking too many two for one margaritas or it’s a lazy, cold Sunday afternoon at home and you’ve been drinking two for one margaritas you made yourself. They are just so horrid that they are addicting! I’m SO ready for this challenge but first let’s watch the pit crew grease each other up. Yes. Yes!

And then we get to the challenge. Oy. How are you going to get an amazingly fun challenge like this and deliver to us all a polished turd. Maybe not even that polished. Let me do a quick rundown of the “highlights.” The Princess flubs and flops. Willam was drunk again. Milan served some Kim Wayans. Kenya is the only Pygmy. Phi Phi as a… drunk Mexican? Soy Sauce in your panties. RECORD SCRATCH! What? “This is a mess.” Yes, Sharon, it is. “So you are making a sexual innuendo there,” asks RuPaul. Michelle Visage, “No.” Amen. The end.

Please stab me repeatedly with a butter knife so I don’t have to suffer through these queen’s infomercial performances again.

Phi Phi, “I stole the show!”

Um, what show? That was a hot buttered mess.

Again I say, what an amazing challenge! These queens just did not deliver. I think a good indication you are bombing would be the looks of complete horror from Ru and Michelle Visage.

Now it’s time for the Main Stage Runway looks with guest judges Amber Riley (who I just ADORE!) and the legendary Natalie Cole. Let’s not forget RuPaul giving us her Not Without My Daughter 2: A Space Odyssey look. Gorgeous!

Let’s quickly go over the runway looks:

Milan – Ease On Down The Road to a Solid Gold Rerun. I said rerun.

Chad Michaels – Cher does Lioness from Thundercats.

Willam – If Road Warrior and Goldmember had child, and dropped it.

Sharon Needles – Elvis stars in the Vegas production of Grease.

Phi Phi O’ Hara – Tyler Perry’s The Jetsons.

Madame LaQueer – Car Sun Shield Realness!

The Princess – Captain Picard’s Eveningwear.

Jiggly Caliente – Serving some Tin Can Realness.

DiDa Ritz – C3PO + Hooker + Ashy Buns = Dida

Latrice Royale – A gold rush down a chocolate mountain!

Kenya Michaels – My size Barbie 2020.

Now we get to see the finished infomercials! And then I wish I hadn’t. Team Glamazon does get some honorable mentions for Chad, Kenya and Willam. The sad thing is that when it’s a team challenge, if everyone is not on point it can make the whole team look bad. Then we go to Team Champion. Just painful. I will say that I am still going to buy both Champion and Glamazon on iTunes and so should you! (Wink and smile to the camera.)

Here’s a shocker! Phi Phi gives a horridly nasty look to RuPaul when she’s called safe again. Can someone please slap her with her own ego, please?

The judges give some very constructive criticism. I couldn’t tell you what they said because while constructive it just wasn’t all that exciting. But didn’t they look gorgeous? Well maybe not Santino’s Fiddler on the Roof meets Stimey from The Little Rascals look.

Sharon wins the challenge. It was a little like picking the lesser of the evils here, no pun intended. I don’t feel anyone really shined during the main challenge but the runway looks were really the selling points this week. I would have either picked Chad, Sharon or Latrice.

The bottom two end up being The Princess and Dida Ritz. With the bottom two it really could have been anyone and it wouldn’t have mattered. Dida sold her gold plated get-up for all it was worth. Wait. Ok, so she really turned it out. She lived that song! While The Princess did a great job, she really didn’t nail it as much as Dida.

I really likes The Princess but sadly she just didn’t shine as bright as she needed to. I will miss her on this show, at least until like week six when I can’t remember everyone that got the boot.

Speaking of iTunes, did you know you can get my song Cooter! on iTunes right now? It’s only 99 cents! That’s right my Cooter! is just 99 cents. I know, my rates went up! For more Pandora Boxx frivolity go to www.facebook.com/thepandoraboxx and www.twitter.com/thepandoraboxx and www.youtube.com/gayshow! Shameless self-promotion time! Yeah!

SEE PANDORA”S OTHER RECAPS!

EPISODE 1

EPISODE 2