I’m writing this from 30,000 feet in the air, somewhere over Texas. It’s already the second leg I’ve flown this morning, and I’ve already been awake for five hours, and its only 9 AM. Last night I was in Austin, Texas to give a presentation at the SXSW Gaming Expo, and now I’m on my way to Richmond for a record-breakingly-huge Grand Prix.

I could have easily spent the rest of the weekend in Austin, my responsibilities complete, and just hung out and checked out the rest of the show and the impressive nightlife the city affords. I booked my ticket to Richmond only a little more than a week ago. Because my panel was Friday night, I had to fly out on Saturday morning, and there was only one flight on one airline that could get me there in time to play in the event, even with my three byes.

My flight cost nearly nine hundred dollars. In order to recoup just that portion of my expenses (to say nothing of hotel, food, entry fees, etc), I will have to finish in the Top 8 of the 4000+ player tournament. Anything less and I’m losing money, even taking into account my $250 appearance fee for being a Platinum pro.

So what the hell am I doing? Why did I book this trip in the first place, and why still did I not cancel it when murmurs started about just how huge this event was going to be? After all, giant Grand Prix are just strictly worse for someone in my position. Sure, the new policies for Grand Prix mean that everyone who finishes 13-2 after the Swiss is guaranteed to qualify for the pro tour even if their final standing is outside the Top 8. But I don’t care about qualifying, and given how much I’m outlaying to get there, my concern clearly isn’t coming out ahead in terms of dollars.

While there’s a part of me that is going in my quest to accumulate pro points – I only have 16 points this season so far, after two poor PT finishes and only a GP Top 16 and Top 64 as meaningful results – it would be absurd for me to attend on that basis. While those seeking qualifications can avoid the impact of the tournament size on their chances, PT points are just strictly harder to get at a huge event. The same record in a small GP – say, 12-3 – can easily make Top 16 or even Top 8, but in GP Vegas left many players out of the Top 64 entirely, meaning they left without a single pro point for a record that could have earned them 3 or more in another event.

The truth is that I’m going to GP Richmond simply because I want to win. There’s nothing that makes me want to play Magic more than losing. I might feel frustrated and discouraged immediately after a tournament that goes badly, but the fire starts burning again even brighter after that subsides, especially when I have a chance to play the same format again. Magic to me is a never-ending challenge, and every failure is a chance to do better next time. Every time I trip and fall, I want to climb the next hill all the more.

GP Richmond is an outright mountain, and I’m coming for the summit, as crazy as that may make me.