A complaint made by Melanie Stark, a former member of staff at Harrods, claiming her bosses ruled she must wear makeup against her will, has unearthed the department store's hilariously exacting and outmoded personal grooming code. The Harrods mandate, applicable to all female sales staff (whether selling face cream, deep-fat fryers or, in this case, CDs), demands "full makeup" be worn at work. Lips are to be enhanced with lipliner, lipstick and lipgloss at all times, presumably with a topcoat of the kitchen sink, and must take into account "the store display lighting, which has a washing-out effect".

To achieve the "timeless, sophisticated elegance" brief, hair must be a colour "complimentary to skintone," while a "base and full eyes" must be painted on the face. Harrods (ironically the home of one of the world's best beauty halls), seems unaware that dark hair against white skin, or blond on African-caribbean complexions are now classic beauty looks, and that makeup formulas and techniques have changed dramatically over the years. Thick foundation and several colours of eyeshadow, expertly blended in a complex prism to resemble petrol on water – the look they seem to be aiming for, by the looks of their sales staff – is a 45-minute job and hasn't looked cool since we went decimal. These days, it's about a modern, low-maintenance polish: a good night's sleep, followed by a dash of tinted moisturiser, some eyeliner, mascara, balm and blush.

The men's grooming code is a week in the Bahamas by comparison. "Slick, sophisticated and debonair", male staff must apply deodorant, trim fingernails, avoid visible tattoos and refrain from growing mutton chops.

Mocking aside, the Harrods code is deeply sexist. It implies that a woman, however clean and presentable, can pass muster only in heavy makeup, and that anyone opting out is by default shabby and below par. The only sensible course of action, with both the Harrods mandate and its sales' staff's faces, is to take it all off and start again.