A 1,000-foot-wide asteroid that was probably not going to collide with Earth in 2036 is now definitely not collide with Earth in 2036, scientists announced today. The Associated Press reports: “About nine years ago, when astronomers first saw Apophis (uh-PAH’-fihs), they thought there was a 2.7 percent chance that it would smack into our planet. Later, they lowered the chances to an even more unlikely 1 in 250,000. Now it’s never mind.”

The closest Apophis will come to Earth will be, at maximum, 19,400 miles. By way of comparison, the closest Apophis has come to Brian, another asteroid, was the kind of friendship wherein Apophis felt comfortable giving his Citibank pin number to Brian if they were at a cash-only restaurant without cash and Brian was going to run out to the ATM anyway. Apophis was once close enough to Brian that they were planning on backpacking across the Philippines next summer—no, not this summer, like summer 2014, as in, eighteen months from now. Apophis was once close enough to Brian that he told Brian he would never forgive himself if he didn’t tell Brian that Brian’s fiancée—and now-wife—Miriam was all wrong for Brian and that it would be five years at the most until Brian started intensely, viciously resenting her habit of going out of her way to prove she is the smartest person in every room. And how close are Apophis and Brian now? At minimum, 19,400 miles or so, emotionally speaking.