When you’re ‘bigger’, you get used to society treating you a certain way. I use the word ‘bigger’ as that’s what I used to refer to myself as, not aloud, just in my head. I could never think, let alone say the word ‘fat’ and as for ‘obese’? It wasn’t even on my radar! There are so many negative connotations with those words that I didn’t want to be associated with them and I couldn’t bring myself to say them, even now it’s hard. In a way, by not saying them I feel like I was burying my head in the sand, refusing to accept that I was morbidly obese and not on a good road. ‘Bigger’ is not quite so hard hitting.

Over the last year, particularly the last few months, I’ve read a lot of incredible and emotional transformation stories, blogs and books – a common thread throughout many of the stories that really struck a chord with me was how almost all of the writers felt they were viewed as invisible prior to their transformation. I was never able to label that feeling before and I certainly didn’t know that it was something others felt too.

But ‘bigger’ people are invisible, it sounds ironic I know but to the general public, we’re not seen as people with opinions or emotions and we’re certainly devoid of any willpower. When you look at someone who is very overweight, you don’t really see the person, you see your judgement of them. I feel hypocritical saying that as I do the same myself, we’re human and with the way society has moulded us, it’s almost impossible not to judge others however hard we try!

When you’re 6ft tall and adorned in plus size clothing from those wonderful ‘upstairs sections’, it’s really hard to be invisible but dammit, I tried! I tried hard for many, many years in an attempt to stay unnoticed. I tried to act as though I was indifferent to the unspoken judgement of others, including my own! It’s sad and hard to admit, but even with my friends I still kept up a shield, a protective barrier against what they might really think of me, given that the rest of society seemed to think the same way! Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as anyone when a ‘bigger’ person steps onto the bus – I might be mindlessly staring into space or daydreaming, then all of a sudden, I will quickly look the other way to make sure they don’t think I’m staring. It’s like a knee jerk reaction, you’re not really even looking to begin with but you almost over compensate by giving yourself whiplash trying to look the other way!

And when you’re at the receiving end of that, guess what? You notice. Of course you notice, you’re hyper sensitive to picking up on other’s reactions or judgements of you. You notice that all of the other seats on the bus are taken before the one next to you, after all it’s a smaller space and a tighter squeeze.

Navigating my day in this fashion was exhausting. My brain constantly thinking about what was going to happen next, planning for several different outcomes so that whatever came my way, I could remain as invisible and unnoticeable as possible as I went through my day. Being bigger physically is incredibly energy sapping to begin with as you have to exert yourself so much more to do literally anything but add to that, the thousand thought processes that went through my head daily; I sometimes wonder how I was still standing by the end of a week!

Some time during 2011, I went through a tough period with anxiety and depression for quite some time. I talked about it to very few people and I’d imagine there will be a few people reading this who will be surprised. It had been building for quite some time but I just didn’t recognise it. And not to belittle it at all, as it can be and was crippling, but it’s something that I think we pretty much all have to deal with at some point or another either personally or through a friend or family member’s experience. It’s an illness that is almost part and parcel of this modern world we live in and I can’t express how relieved I am that it is becoming more and more acceptable to talk about. What disappointed me though at the time, was that when I eventually went to my doctor, the first thing they did without really even talking to me about it was prescribe an antidepressant. I had a similar reaction to my visit last year (which I discussed in a previous post) in that I just didn’t feel that it was the right approach, a quick five minute conversation and the result was medication would do the trick!

Surely a tablet is just going to put a plaster on the wound? Won’t it bleed again when the plaster comes off?

On autopilot I began taking the prescription medication but stopped it after a couple of weeks, yet again my stubbornness coming to the fore, but something just didn’t sit right with me! Within those couple of weeks while on the antidepressants, I came across a book called ‘Coming through Depression: A Mindful Approach to Recovery’ by Dr Tony Bates and this book introduced me to Mindfulness which I won’t go as far as saying saved my life, but it certainly came into my life at a point that I really needed it. I read and researched everything I could find about Mindfulness while doing a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavourial Therapy) which helped me out of the dark cloud I found myself under. Several months after that, I decided to do the full eight week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Course (known as MBSR) and to this day, I return again and again to the practices that I learned throughout those eight weeks.

When you live your adult life, trying as hard as you possibly can to be invisible, it chips away at your self esteem, your self belief and your sense of self worth. You gradually start to believe what you think others are thinking about you and you retreat into yourself, you almost assume the identity of someone who is invisible, someone who doesn’t have opinions or emotions.

I remember earlier this year in January we were all setting goals in CrossFit West Dublin for the year ahead, mapping out what we wanted to achieve and how we were going to get there. I had a conversation later that week with Lorna and Scot (her husband) about the mental game and self belief. Like all CrossFitters, I was keen to increase my lifts, get a pull up, a handstand, the list goes on. But Scot halted me in my tracks; “Niamh, your head is still where your body was eight months ago, it hasn’t yet caught up – that’s what you need to work on”. I knew he was right but give me the physical side any day of the week – progress is measurable and results are tangible. Trying to improve my self belief and confidence seemed like an insurmountable task in comparison to what I had achieved physically at that stage.

Like I said in previous posts, I’ve tried other diets, other gyms and other fitness approaches but I always gave up! I didn’t have the self belief I needed to succeed; I didn’t have the motivation and I lacked the discipline.

I started to think about what had been different this time, what had given me the belief in myself so far, the discipline to achieve what I had until that point. What was the magic ingredient? I needed to figure it out so that I could continue on this journey and really start to work on the most important thing… my mindset.

It was when I was doing The Open for the first time earlier this year that I realised what the magic ingredient is – it is the community that Lorna has created in CFWD, the community who often believe in me more than I believe in myself. Yes I’m doing the work but every day I train, I have my own cheerleading squad in Lorna, Scot and the other coaches and in every one of the members. It’s not just me though, we all do it for each other. Those little words of encouragement, ‘you can’, ‘you’ve got this’, ‘come on Niamh’ from everyone, not just the Coaches. When you think you simply cannot do one more rep, when you’ve got nothing left in the tank, but some how this community pulls you through not one or two but three reps to get you over the line. This incredible act, repeated time and time again, gradually starts to challenge the idea that you can’t – the feeling of finishing a workout that, after five minutes in you think, oh god I’m never going to get through this (which believe me, happens regularly still!!) is so powerful and once you start to recognise it and let it in, that little light at the end of the tunnel suddenly seems a bit brighter!

That support, encouragement, belief, pushing when I need pushing, shouting when I need shouting but most of all the friendships that have developed during the last thirteen months are what has helped me achieve the results that I have. Friendships that have been forged irrespective of how I look. Barriers that I would usually have up, have started to come down and this has allowed me to flourish and gradually start building up what had previously been chipped away over years. It’s a slow process but it’s pretty exciting to know and believe that you can still grow and learn at 39 years of age!

In April this year, I came off my blood pressure medication and of course I cried buckets of tears of relief and pride that day. The hard work that I had put in over the previous eleven months had paid off but in so many more ways than I had ever expected it to. I signed up to do my CrossFit Level 1 Trainer Course at the end of April and it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had – learning about a sport and a lifestyle that has become so important to me, from a group of Coaches who are profoundly passionate about their craft. To get the pass result on the anniversary of my very first day in CrossFit West Dublin was an emotional experience for me as it marked an achievement of a complete turnaround in my life!

I came across a photo of myself earlier this week (below left) from two years ago that made me shed a tear the minute I saw it. I’m about 22 stone in that picture and I’m wearing a size 24 dress – the picture on the right is me a couple of weeks ago, 13.5 stone and wearing a size 12 dress. I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved physically over the last year but but seeing that person in the picture and knowing how I felt at that time, given that it was only two years ago, made me realise how far I have come not only physically but more importantly, mentally.

It sounds odd but I’m getting to know my new identity and I’m really enjoying the journey. Although it’s a bit of a rollercoaster at times as I battle with the negative self talk that has long taken up residence in my head. But the positive retorts are more plentiful and are getting stronger and feistier by the day, drowning out the alternative.

I’m looking forward to enjoying more of this sunny Summer weather with not only a different body but a different mindset. I compete in my first CrossFit competition in a few weeks which I’m incredibly nervous about but also excited as I’m so competitive!

Today for the first time ever, I spent the afternoon in the back garden in a bikini top and shorts – I have NEVER prior to today worn a bikini in my life, in fact up until very recently, I have rarely worn shorts! And although right now I still don’t feel like I would ever wear a bikini on a beach, if you told me last year I’d be in a bikini in the back garden today, I’d have laughed at you.

Progress is progress.