Every once in a while we'll kick off a movie parody by saying "so we got a hold of the script" and then we make up a bunch of stupid crap, because we're giant man-children. But this time it's for real: Some poor, confused soul saw my column last week, about the ill-advised Akira live-action remake, and they sent me the actual, real script for the film. Again, and in no uncertain terms: I did not write the following script excerpts. They are not parody or fiction.

I have every reason to believe this script is authentic, but I do not have confirmation from the studios. If it is real, this script is the thing that pulled the movie out of Development Hell, where it had been sitting for decades. This is the script that finally got Hollywood to stand up and take notice. This is the script that made studio executives bolt out of their chairs and say "yes, we have to do this!" And it's easy to see why: Nearly every aspect of the film has been altered to fit the most tired, hackneyed, bullshit Hollywood cliches in existence. As low as your opinion of this production might have been, the script proves one thing: Even if you have to dig the damn hole yourself, there is always a downhill.

Before we start, I'd just like to say two things:

One: This script is ostensibly the version just before the infamous whitewashing, where they changed Tetsuo's name to Travis.

Two: I can't believe somebody actually sent me a script. In the big book of "People Who Matter in the Entertainment Industry," how the hell did you land on my name? Did somebody scribble it next to "for a good time call"? Hahaha, how filled with regret are you, right about now? Like on a scale from 1 to 10? Is it a 10?

I hope it's a 10.