Hello, foreigner! You are new here! You have a crazy notion that you would like to get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and learn to drive in Metro Manila!

Ha-ha! This is a very bad idea, and I would not encourage it. My own exposure to driving in Metro Manila was spurred by two things: getting pulled over by an overzealous local traffic enforcer one day who eyed my Massachusetts license suspiciously and would not let me go without first extracting a â€œdonation,â€ and the fact that I had no one to drive me around Metro Manila on a daily basis. So: off to the Land Transportation Office!

You may find yourself in a similar predicament. And if you have no choice but to visit the LTO and submit yourself to a lengthy bout of fixers and repeat visits and drug testing of your bodily fluids, then you, too, may one day possess a Philippines driverâ€™s license.

Now the real fun begins!

Here are some tips on learning to navigate Metro Manila by car.

â€¢ â€œYou drive like a Filipino already!â€ is not necessarily a compliment.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be put off by billboards that are as bright as the surface of the Sun. You may find that such ocular excesses can keep you awake on late nights driving home.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be surprised by the sight of people watching DVD movies on TV screens mounted to their dashboards. If you spent as much time as Manilans do stuck in traffic, youâ€™d seek some form of mobile entertainment to distract you as well.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be thrown by the state of roads in Metro Manila, where repair projects are ongoing 365 days a year. Learn to interpret the word â€œroadâ€ very loosely, as in it may or not always exist in front of you at any given moment.

â€¢ Donâ€™t feel compelled to read paragraph-long traffic updates mounted on electronic signs while driving along EDSA. It will not change your journey in any meaningful way. If you feel you really must read something, try bringing along a Kindle.

â€¢ Donâ€™t worry about speed limits. There are none. The speed limit is whatever the market will bear. If thereâ€™s no traffic in front of you, go faster.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be surprised when people simply opt to speed right through red lights rather than wait; red lights are merely a suggestion for many Metro Manila drivers.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be baffled by the sight of pedestrians walking blithely in front of your vehicle at intersections, often reading text messages, with or without a â€œWalkâ€ sign. They have a mistaken belief that they are immune to death by motor vehicle. Remember: God protects drunks and stupid pedestrians.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be surprised, when driving through small barangays, at the sight of people sitting on curbsides, chatting with friends with their backs extending to the street, vulnerable to oncoming traffic. They, too, have a mistaken belief that their spines and central nervous systems are being protected by some overworked protective saint.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be shocked when cab drivers do funny things like opening their doors to spit on the street, or pulling over anywhere to urinate against any available vertical surface. Consider the alternative if they chose to carry out those functions inside the cab you were riding in.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be freaked out by motorists changing tires in the middle of busy fairways. These drivers believe itâ€™s better to stop where the flat occurred â€” and risk getting pancaked by a speeding bus â€” rather than damage the wheel axle by driving to the side of the road and putting on their hazard lights. Itâ€™s a simple matter of false economics.

â€¢ Donâ€™t be puzzled when traffic slows to a halt near a road accident. Thereâ€™s a customary â€œlook and stareâ€ period for passing motorists: they have to eyeball the scene, see if there are any gory bits, judge exactly how the accident occurred and who exactly was at fault. All this takes about 45 seconds per car. Bonus tip: Try not to hit anybody else while rubbernecking.

â€¢ Donâ€™t blink. Things can change on Manila streets in a nanosecond. There could very well be a crazy, naked pedestrian dashing in front of your car or a person casually crossing the street holding a hot cup of coffee on a saucer at any given moment. (I have personally witnessed both events).

â€¢ Do be aware that Manilans have a whole bunch of traffic signals unfamiliar to foreigners: they will use their hazard lights when itâ€™s raining (which only serves to disorient other drivers); if theyâ€™re big shots driving SUVs, they will employ a blinding array of â€œweng-wengâ€ devices to intimidate and overtake you; and they will generally employ middle fingers when signaling a left turn.

â€¢ Do keep your eyes open for hidden or confusing road signs. Sometimes, useful information such as â€œNo Left Turnâ€ or â€œNo Right On Redâ€ will be hidden beneath leafy â€œroad beautificationâ€ projects, preventing you from actually reading such signs. Also hidden nearby will be traffic enforcers poised to pick your pocket.

â€¢ Do commit to your road choices. If youâ€™re going to cut off that cab, or go up that one-way street, donâ€™t even hesitate. Just follow your bliss. Total belief in your actions will get you far. No half measures.

â€¢ Donâ€™t buy into the â€œIf you can drive in Manila, you can drive anywhereâ€ malarkey. Thatâ€™s just Pinoy pride and machismo talking. If you tried using your Manila â€œdriving skillsâ€ anywhere else in the world, youâ€™d be thrown in Driverâ€™s Jail forever. Without middle finger privileges.

â€¢ Do obey traffic rules. The Jedi Mind Trick only works a few times for foreigners; after that, youâ€™re on your own.