“An adviser to Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign defended the candidate’s ‘kind impulses’ on Friday, pointing to his treatment of Texas Gov. Rick Perry during recent GOP debates as proof.” —The Hill

November 22nd, CNN Debate: Romney remarked to Herman Cain that, as former C.E.O. of a company purveying pizza, Cain must be quite familiar with the process of “cutting the cheese.” An argument ensued, until, in an apparent prank, several of Romney’s associates tackled Cain and held him to the ground while Romney proceeded to buy Cain’s companies and lay off all his employees.

December 3rd, Mike Huckabee Presidential Forum: Romney repeatedly referred to Michele Bachmann as “Swiss Miss,” but denied any knowledge of her Swiss citizenship, insisting that he merely mistook her for the woman who brings him his hot cocoa.

December 15th, Fox News Debate: Jon Huntsman was leaving the DAR Constitution Hall when Romney and a gang of unidentified associates accosted him and tackled him to the ground. While the friends held Huntsman in place, Romney administered a “wet willy,” which he mistakenly understood to be a process in which the victim’s face is smeared with a wet hundred-dollar bill.

January 7th, ABC News Debate: Romney strenuously denied that he was responsible for affixing a piece of paper to Ron Paul’s back that read “kick me,” but later admitted that the paper “might well have” been put there by his blind trust.

January 8th, CNN Debate: Rick Perry pointed out that in the 2011 paperback reissue of his memoir, “No Apology,” originally published in 2007, Romney had surreptitiously removed the chapter on knuckle sandwiches. Romney responded with a light laugh, before boxing Perry’s ears. Perry responded by suggesting that Romney would be “treated pretty ugly down in Texas,” to which Romney replied that the treatment couldn’t possibly be as ugly as Perry’s mother.

January 19th, CNN Debate: Romney and a friend, seeing Newt Gingrich approaching in the distance, discussed whether Romney could possibly induce Gingrich to admit that he was an idiot. Romney contended that he could, while the friend found the notion rather outlandish. To settle things, Romney suggested a gentleman’s wager of ten thousand dollars. When Gingrich arrived, Romney stepped in front of him and said—in an extremely rapid and slightly unclear articulation—“Idiots say what.” Gingrich said “what,” and then launched into a forty-five-minute, detailed exposition of his own idiocy.

Late April: Romney approached Rick Santorum and demanded to know why he refused to concede the nomination to Romney. He also wanted to know why he kept hitting himself.

Illustration by Victor Kerlow.