As I mentioned in my previous post, I was raised Catholic – Kindergarten through 12th grade at a Catholic School kind of Catholic. I was a very devout Catholic. I went to church weekly, observed lent, participated in church in as many ways as I could (one time even dressing up as Jesus, beard and all, and riding a donkey into church).

My real participation came when I began serving as an alter boy. I was an alter server for many years, but after my confirmation in 8th grade at age 13, I was not able to act as an alter server anymore. As I wanted to be involved in the liturgy, I looked to be a Eucharistic Minister. At the time, my church had an age requirement, but with a little prodding, they changed the rule to include all confirmed Catholics. At the time, I would have been the youngest Eucharistic Minister our church had ever had, so I had to be interviewed by the head priest. It was during this meeting that I first realized I may not believe in a god.

After a brief lecture on the importance of being a eucharistic minister and what it meant for a lay person to assist in the holiest of Catholic sacraments, the priest asked me directly why I wanted to be a Eucharistic minister.

“Because I truly believe that once you bless the bread and wine, through transubstantiation, it becomes the actual body and blood of Jesus.”

I didn’t know until I said it out loud, but I didn’t believe that. I don’t think I had ever said it out loud before, but it didn’t sound right and it didn’t sit well with me. While I continued to actively practice catholicism, it was never the same after that moment – my belief was shaken.

A few months after this, I started at Jesuit College Prep in Dallas. Each year, we were required to take a religion course. These courses were the first time I was taught to question the bible and to question my faith. Exploration of other world religions (even into my first years of college), continued to take me further and further away from my faith.

If you’re not familiar with catholicism, please allow this clip to briefly introduce you to what catholic guilt is like:

Exaggerated, yes, but it was this guilt that kept me practicing my faith long after I had stopped believing. Eventually, I was able to be honest with myself and realized that not only did I not believe in most catholic dogma, but I didn’t believe in a god either. Leaving your whole faith is not only difficult, but also very scary. My safety net was gone and the questions I had been grappling with for so many years were now more unanswered than ever before.

Terrified, angry and confused, thus began my life as a free thinker.