Americans are clamoring for preparedness, cleanliness and a measure of control — it’s no wonder they want their Charmin Ultra Soft on demand.

According to Kate Murphy’s latest op-ed for The New York Times, “Stop Using Toilet Paper,” our TP affinity is all for naught. Murphy reports that infectious disease specialists have long agreed that toilet paper is neither hygienic nor environmentally friendly. What is a more sanitary option? Water.

This comes as no surprise to bidet proponents who have used COVID-19 as an opportunity to champion self cleaning nozzle attachments that can be purchased for less than $50 on Amazon and installed on your existing toilet. The Economist reported a “sharp rise of interest” in bidets in an April 4 business roundup, but, according to Kitchen & Bath Business, the bidet craze was taking shape in America even before the crisis. Four of the top eight designs on the trade publication’s October 2019 “What’s Hot in Toilets” feature included bidets. Bidets aren’t just bougie; they’re hygienic. Plus, they allow you to #stayhome while negating a toilet paper run.

I still remember my first bidet sighting when a benevolent west sider invited me over after school in the fifth grade. When I interrogated her as to why her bathroom also featured a bubbler, she laughed at me. “Oh, Sarah!” she said, “That’s not a water fountain — it’s a bəˈdā.” I played along, but it would be years before I saw another one in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Los Angeles. That’s it. Thirty-three years and I’ve only seen two bidets in real life.

The bidet boom hit Japan decades ago. Care to adjust the speed, force or bubble content of your stream? This level of control has been the norm in Japan since the '80s where high-tech toilets have always been hot. Murphy believes that Americans’ “prudishness and puritanism” are responsible for our neglect of a massive design opportunity.

To put this in context, I began to consider how much my notions of a telephone or a computer have changed over the course of my life on this planet. Why, then, does my vision of a toilet remain remarkably unchanged?

Toilets will never be sexy, but that hasn’t stopped philanthropic billionaires Bill and Melinda Gates for bringing them to the engineering forefront with his “Reinvented Toilet Expo” and more than $200 million in investments. If this strikes your fancy, spend a night watching “Inside Bill’s Brain: Decoding Bill Gates” on Netflix, which Vanity Fair subtitled “An Inconvenient Poop” in reference to director Davis Guggenheim’s other Oscar winning documentary which showcased former Vice President Al Gore’s crusade against climate change.

By Gates’ estimate, lack of proper sanitation costs approximately $223 billion every year worldwide. As bidet sales soar, I can only hope that toilet innovations will follow. That said, I don’t mean to overstate the problem. I understand sanitation can’t be our number one priority given the current state of affairs, but it’s a solid number …

— forgive me.