Scientists today at the National Institute of Health, or N have discovered the cause of cancer, genocide, famine, and other maladies. Speaking at the press center in Bethesda, Maryland, Francis Collins spoke, “After more than 50 years of research, we found that the cause of worldwide pain could be found in DLC character in a party game on the Wii U. Bayonetta has received numerous complaints from the competitive smash community, and after months of investigation we found the truth that she also was the cause of the problems of the world.”

Brandon “Unkn0wng0d” Sawyers, advocate for a Bayonetta ban, replied when reached for a comment, “Finally, now that the world knows that she’s the main cause of global warming, we can start to implement a ban. Maybe then we can have 120 thousands viewers and I can stop going 0-2.”

When reached for a comment, Tamim “Mistake” Omary mumbled something about SDI.