Not Remembering the exact date this started, I’m thinking this started towards maybe the end of June, early July. I’ve been in a relationship for about a year. We communicate well. though we both have our different issues with each other, we are very good at fixing our problems. However, since, “Whatever this may be” started, I've been feeling like i lack emotion in my relationship. A lot of times i doubt if i love my boyfriend, or if i love him enough, or if i actually feel the way i should with him. When this first started, i figured maybe i am just over the “Honeymoon Stage” (granted i don't want to be). I looked up ways to bring back “Life’ in my relationship. I was/am so scared that i actually don’t love him and there isn’t anything i can do about it. Looking online, things that made this even worse was seeing people talking about breaking up. Because that isn’t what i want to do. My boyfriend is still just as caring and affectionate. I know he loves me. These thoughts and feeling are extremely bothering to me because i do not want to lose him. I feel like i don’t have a reason to, other than these thoughts and feelings that haunt me.



He’s very supportive, caring, and we’ve had a pretty good relationship. This is Beyond distressing, I've had nights that I've cried over this. Last night i cried a lot, and he was there for me. At those moments, i felt like i do love him. But other times these thoughts and feelings won’t go away. It actually takes up most of my time, I'm occupied constantly by this. I feel like i never can have a “clear” conscience. I’m just so scared that what if this means i have to end my relationship because of this, which is not something i want to do. He has somewhat insight on this, but i do not feel comfortable discussing in depth about it with him. i do not want him to be hurt by this.





I avoid watching movies or listening to songs that have break ups, divorces, people falling out of love because i feel like these will impact my relationship. I used to write poetry about such topics (breakups) but i don’t anymore, nor do i want to because i feel like if i write about it then it will happen in our relationship. Sometimes i do not want to kiss, and when we do i try to assess how i feel after. If he asks me a question, like “Do you miss me” i get a little nervous because what if i say i do, but really do not. When he says he loves me i say it back but it lingers in my head that i am having doubts. At times i just wish he would break up with me, not so the relationship ends, but so i can see how hurt and upset i would be. I feel like being affectionate now is me just “forcing it”. Going online and finding forums seeing people talk about the same problem is a thing i do quite often because it makes me feel less “Alone”. And it reminds me that people CAN go through such a problem( ROCD ). I pray and pray that God will fill my heart with love for him. This also makes me look at other people in relationships and wonder if they also feel this way at times. i worry that i don't have the same good enough feelings, as i see other couples might have. I’m just completely distressed about this. It bothers me that i don’t always cry about this, or freak out 24/7 because i feel like i should be crying about this. I know i love my boyfriend, i just know i do. I literally feel like I'm fighting against things, feelings, and thoughts that tell me otherwise.





Prior to this, i have had a really huge problem with guilt. Which i was suspicious was OCD. This started with a boy i was with ( maybe 6-7 months). How this would work is, i would feel guilty about something. I would try to tell myself “it's okay”, “ No one is perfect “, “You don’t have to feel guilty about this”, and leave the thought alone. However, it didn’t always work and i felt the need to 1. Look up online in OCD forums to see people’s stories with similar problems, and 2. Confess to my boyfriend.

After confessing just for a while, I'd feel okay. But it wouldn’t stop there because then i would start obsessing about something else and the cycle would continue.









In this relationship, i have had the same problem with guilt. the guilt has subsided, and now I'm dealing with these other doubts.





The best way i can describe this generally is,

Imagine having two people working in your brain. One bad, one good.

One sends positive thoughts and one sends negative thoughts. Unfortunately, the negative always overpowers the positive.





Ex. ( P= positive thoughts, N= negative thoughts )





“ These doubts aren’t real”. N- “ If they weren’t real, you wouldn’t think about them”





P- “You are a good person” N- “If you were, you wouldn’t make the mistakes you have.”`





P- "Things can, will, and are gonna get better" N- even if they do get better, the pain will always come back.





These are just examples, now imagine all day having negative thoughts, possibly complemented by anxiety, and not being able to control it. Very, very frustrating. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, never with Any kind of OCD. I've seen a therapist, but i feel like if they tried to help me with everything else rather than the things that bothered me the most. Also, they don't specialize in OCD. i am too, scared to see an OCD specialist because i feel like that's me just forcing someone to tell me this is OCD. i also fear that these thoughts will turn out true, and It makes me feel like I'm just using it as an excuse. Anyone experiencing this will relate to many points in this. I'm not a therapist, a specialist. I know though from experiencing this, it will help someone feel less alone.





















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