DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy or tasteless move, I’ll wait until she smiles at me to take my penis out. And I won’t just crack the whip, either, just tease it out bit by bit so as not to seem overbearing,” said Gerretson, adding that if he messed up his chances by exposing himself in an uncool fashion, he’d regret it forever. “Guys probably show their dicks to gorgeous women like her all the time, so I’ve got to do better than just ‘Bang! Penis!’ The last thing I want is to be some weirdo who’s part of the problem.” Gerretson further remarked that he looked forward to the day when women felt empowered enough to take the initiative and expose their genitals to him.

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