PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that the job was far less complicated than it appeared, a Secret Service agent assured a Mar-A-Lago bellhop Monday that there was “nothing at all” to rooftop sniper duty. “So you hold the gun like this, look through this scope right here, and just pull this trigger when you want to shoot—you’ll get the hang of it pretty quick,” said agent Gregory Shaw, assuring the 19-year-old part-time resort employee that he could always use the walkie-talkie if he had any questions about operating the SR-25 semi-automatic sniper rifle. “Don’t worry about it too much. You basically just scan the area, and if it looks like someone might attack the president, you take ’em out. You might need to fire a couple times, but you’ll get the kill eventually. Hey, don’t worry, you’ll do great.” According to sources, the bellhop accidentally shot a parking valet in the shoulder within minutes.

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