WASHINGTON—Divulging the long-running scheme to his visibly stunned congressional colleagues Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, a cackling Mitch McConnell reportedly shocked Democrats Wednesday with the revelation he has been secretly working for the Republican Party all along. “You fools! For years, I’ve pulled the wool over your eyes, but at last, I unveil my ruse!” cried the Kentucky senator, who confessed his true identity as a top elected official within the GOP, causing a wide-eyed Schumer and Pelosi to clutch their heads and emit exclamations of “No, it can’t be!” and “I trusted you!” “All along, I’ve been working to thwart your every step, and you fell for it. I thought for sure you would catch on when I told you my decision to block Merrick Garland’s appointment to the Supreme Court was strictly a matter of preserving Senate decorum, but nope, not even then. What buffoons you are! What oafs! Muahahaha!” At press time, sources reported Schumer was just glad his own cover hadn’t been blown.

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