‘Even now my heart is beating badabadabadabadabada so much that A.R. Rahman will put it in a song’

Respected madam/sir,

Tension means how much tension. You will not even believe. Guinness Book of World Tension only happened this morning. First of all sleep itself was destroyed by Mrs. Mathrubootham. She said, “Old man, I think gas cylinder is finished can you please urgently go and get a new cylinder.”

I said, “Kamalam when retired person is waking up, will you please give two minutes of time to slowly start brain and heart and liver and all before shouting? Even now my heart is beating badabadabadabadabada so much that A.R. Rahman will put it in a song.” She said, “Old man instead of giving speech you please understand, dosa maavu is sitting in the kitchen and pulippu is increasing like anything. If you don’t get cylinder immediately means breakfast is banana.”

I said, “Kamalam, whether any large plate is there in the kitchen? Please put it on dining table.” She said, “Why?” I said, “I can then put my head on the plate and you can eat it peacefully.” “Ha ha ha ha,” she laughed heartily, then came back with dosa maavu bowl and said, “Super comedy, old man, one way or the other you have to eat this maavu, your choice if you want it cooked or raw.”

So instead of my usual relaxed routine at 8:15 in the morning, I had to put on shirt-pant and all and go downstairs to find auto and then go to gas cylinder depot. Downstairs, I saw Dr. Shankaramenon. He said, “Mathrubootham, what a pleasant surprise you are outside very early today.” I said, “Gas cylinder emergency doctor, what to do?”

He said, “Did you have tea or anything? If not let us do one quick roadside tea and then you can get gas cylinder.”

I said, “OK why not.” We had tea. Then I went to look for auto. While I was waving hand for auto here and there like Kamal Haasan in Nizhal Nijamaagiradhu dance scene, suddenly Mohammed Usman voice came from the sky: “Mathrubootham? Mathrubootham! Hello Mathru?”

Ten minutes later we were sitting and eating tiffin in nearby hotel. Somehow I told Usman, “Please let me go, gas cylinder emergency is there.” So he said, “Ok, Ok, you go.” Then I finally found one auto and we went towards depot. In between auto fellow said, “Sir can we go to pump please, it will take only 10 minutes.” I said, “Oh my god, my son has same problem at home also, please finish urgently.”

While he was putting diesel in the pump I went to nearby shop and purchased one newspaper and two three magazines. Finally, we reached gas cylinder depot at 9:30 am. I said, “One gas cylinder.” He said, “Uncle please pay the money.” I said, “Please take my debit card.”

Madam/ Sir tragedy of tragedies. Where is my debit card? Not this pocket. Not that pocket. Not back pocket. Not wallet. Not shirt pocket. Nowhere debit card. I said, “Oh my god, can you give gas cylinder, I will get money and come immediately?”

He said, “Uncle you are superb, but money is money what to do. You please take your time and come back with money, I will keep cylinder on one side for you.”

Madam/ Sir, next 30 minutes mother of all panics. I thought, oh my god, how I will show my face to Mrs. Mathrubootham? No cylinder and no debit card also.

After two to three minutes high tension I thought Mathrubootham, what nonsense, you can manage.

I came home and said, “Kamalam, you will not believe what happened today. I went directly to the depot and full riot type situation is happening there. Customers fighting and fighting. I spent one hour trying to get gas cylinder, but depot fellow said uncle you go home. Better come back later. This scene below your status. What to do Kamalam, what to do. Should I sacrifice status? Never. I will go back later.”

“Okay,” she said. “Also, Mr. Usman came half hour back and gave me your debit card. You dropped it in hotel after tiffin. Anyway I have arranged for cylinder for time being from Dr. Shankaramenon, he said he has extra. How was your tea?”

I could not give any answer because by this time I had already run out of the house at full speed and escaped.

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham