As promised last night, I am going to recount last nights *ahem* adventures at the JJ Grey & Mofro concert last night at the Knitting Factory .

So with all great stories lets start at the beginning. There I was, flying solo, so I show up a bit early, take my seat at the end of the bar, get myself a Fat Tire and wait for the music to start.

Flash forward a bit because nothing interesting really happens but a humorous inner monologue in my head as I people watch; taking mental note of how many damn couples that were there and how much better the place looks in the dark. So the opening act starts and the place slowly starts to fill up and an older woman and a mid 30’s guy come and stand next to me, which I really don’t think much of considering that now all the seating is gone.

Ohh my, I should have reconsidered the situation right then and there, but you see at that point and time I had spotted this ruggedly cute guy with his friend and I was visually scoping him out to see if he was headed back to a table which therein would lie his murderous girlfriend ready to stab my eyes out with an ice pick for merely giving her man the once over. Ok… it was more like 5 times over in that first glance, what can I say?

This is when I lost track of ruggedly hot guy because older woman next to me starts talking to me. She introduces her son, they start talking about how they drove up here just for this concert and have been pounding it all day; as if I couldn’t tell….

Wow, I’m not even sure what exactly to tell you about in that next fateful hour where Mom and Pup latched themselves on to myself and wanted a taste of my succulent, succulent self. Lets just say, it is not very often when I am taken off guard, last night, I was knocked off my fucking bar stool and kicked in the teeth taken off guard. Which is almost fitting since I’m almost sure the mom was missing some of her teeth.

Needless to say they bought me a beer, ok I’m broke and not a total bitch, I’ll talk to you for a few. I can’t even remember how things went from “Oh hey so you like JJ?” to “So whats the biggest cock you’ve had inside of you?” Wow… Ok here, I am going to give you the highlights but I am going to forewarn you, this is very graphic.

He gives me the one up and down…. “Damn you have an amazing, amazing body. I can imagine the things I want to do to that body” he slurred this as he slid one arm around my waist and his hand up my back. Right about at this point he also said ouch, because the 4 inch heel of my boot landed squarely in the middle of his foot.

“Ohhh, I’m sorry, I simply can’t walk in these….”

“That’s ok, so do you spit or swallow?” Wow…. I say, ummm to which he immediately responds with ” Favorite position? Take it in the ass? Biggest cock you’ve ever had? Can you show me with your hands?” HOLY CRAP… I am now looking for my jacket to run, mind you this literally happened in 5 seconds, 5 seconds. That is when mom interjected with “hey baby girl, why don’t you come over after the concert, smoke a bowl and we have wild and crazy sex”? To which Junior is now grabbing me by the shoulders because I am trying to make my way through the sea of people says “You know that saying? Incest is the best? They weren’t lying….”

At this point, at this point he coughs, and burps and you guess it… pukes at my feet, which luckily I at last got enough room to step out-of-the-way from. I mean I cannot even begin to tell you the nightmare that was this scenario for an entire hour. I at one point went to the restroom and was standing there trying to figure out how to watch the concert without being killed by these psychos.

Well now, here is how I got rid of them, because when he was puking I just so happened to turn right into the arms of super drunk trashed girl. One look at her and I knew she was gone, she threw her arms around me, blubbering about how she needed to talk. Ohhh good yes, “Hey, I’m really really sorry, but my friend really needs me now….”

Ok lost mom and son, now I’m with drunk girl. Who in a matter of minutes I find out has a cheating hubby, who is hitting on other girls (I wanted to shake her and tell her, well honey don’t wear sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt out and maybe he wouldn’t, but my bleeding heart syndrome kicked in), they were buying a house they couldn’t afford, she works too much, makes too little, blah blah blah…. Ok, lost the people who would probably skin me alive to play counseler, alrighty I can deal with this, she probably won’t kill me.

So I try to calm her down, because she is literally, physically crying on my shoulder, I know her entire life story now, she won’t listen to any of my sound logic or advice. I lovingly tell her she needs to do what is best for her…. nope. Tell her to talk to him work it out….nope. Tell her that its going to be ok, everything will be fine….nope. At this point I am genuinely concerned for this stranger because she is beyond just drunk, she is dangerously trashed and damnit…. damnit heart, I can’t leave her until I make sure she is ok and on her way home safe, because she is talking about driving and can’t even sit straight.

Ok…. I have tried every thing in the book to calm her down and she just isn’t. Ohhh wait, no… its my last card, the one that I save for those special moments. Now let me preface this with I’m not a religious person, I don’t attend church, have a very varied religious upbringing, but nothing formal and my beliefs on God are somewhat to be debated.

So I lifted her head from my shoulder and grasping her cheeks, I looked her in the eye “Do you believe in God?” (Holy crap I can’t believe I’m doing this…) she blinked her eyes a few times and the tears stopped. She choked out a yes and her head stopped weaving. I took her hands and her sobs quieted…. and there, there on the Knitting Factory smoking patio I gave the first sermon of what I shall dub “The Back Alley Church of the When You Need It”….

“Then you know honey, you know, the Lord, the Lord will only give you as much as you can handle”. “He has an ultimate plan for you, and you, you need to have faith in the Lord and what his ultimate goal is for you and your family and above all believe in him and his ultimate love.” I went on and on until I realized she was actually listening as were the other people around me. Listening to a skinny girl in knee-high black boots and skin-tight jeans talk about God.

“I do believe and its going to be ok”. “Amen” arose from the bystanders and I said, “Good, let’s get you inside and get you cleaned up and a taxi’ I said as I took her hand and got her back inside.

And this is how my crazy life goes, because I haven’t even gotten to the good part. The part about the ruggedly handsome stranger and I realize this post, this post is insanely long. So that my dears, that shall be tomorrows part 2.