The news broke today that Joe Paterno was getting his own special beer from a Pennsylvania brewery. Feel free to debate the merits of that decision below. It immediately begged the question: what does a Joe Paterno beer taste like? Pretty good for the first 30 drinks, then the aftertaste becomes something foul, rotten, and altogether unpalatable? Is the outside of the can bright, shiny-veneer-white, and the inside black as tar? I’m sure you get the point I’m trying to make here and I’m sure people far more politically correct or socially adept will write something more in-depth on this, but the fact that Joe-Pa got his own limited edition beer opened my eyes to an entirely new world.

A world where questionable individuals were awarded with the highest of American honors: their own can of the good stuff. So, who else should have their own limited edition cans being released?

Lawrence Phillips

Getting it’s own limited parole, this can and recipe come from noted felon and heinous former Husker, Lawrence Phillips. Fermented in the freshest moonshine, toilet-brewing facilities in the state prison system of California, this bold drink brings hints of crafty aroma and a bold flavor.

Donald Sterling

Long reviled as the most terrible man in the NBA, Donald Sterling is far more crap-brewer than craft-brewer. However, since he’s being taken to the proverbial cleaner by his mistress, his wife, and the court of public opinon over the last few years, he might as well try his hand at making a limited edition beer. We know some guys that can overlook a glaring fault and still put out a good beer with your name on it, Donald. Don’t worry.

Jay Cutler

While Cutler has done nothing to the extent of the first two beer-can-features, he does deserve to have his visage tossed onto twelve ounce bottles of deliciousness. Based on how things have gone recently, Bears fans are already blaming Jay indirectly for their hangovers and now they can just make it completely official.

A-Rod

A-Rod’s breaking all kinds of records this year for the Yankees. He’s even looking suspiciously, dangerously, wait-is-he-using-again-because-now-we-always-have-to-ask, good for the boys in pinstripes this year. And since literally no one else is toasting him this year, he might as well make his own beer so he can drink to his own successes*.

Tom Brady

And finally, we have Tom Brady. The object of an enormous amount of ire this post-season and the creator of approximately 30,000 “balls” jokes on Twitter per minute at his peak, Brady might as well capitalize on the infamy like Paterno is inexplicably doing. However, if you’re looking to score some of “Brady’s Brew” you better make sure you like uncarbonated beer. Because we all know Tom likes things a little flatter than most of us. *(Author’s note: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!)

FIN