DALLAS—Emphasizing his desire to take the appearance seriously, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott reportedly prepared for a role in an upcoming commercial for Campbell’s Chunky Soup by gaining 80 pounds and moving back in with his parents. “It was important to me to be able to come across as a real Chunky Soup consumer,” said the filthy, unshaved Prescott, adding that he wanted to do everything he could to get into the mind of a person who would sit in a half-lit kitchen in the middle of the night as their father made them lukewarm soup out of a can. “I’ve been sleeping less and not drinking water, and I’m waiting to hear back about an application I put in for a part-time job at Best Buy. I just like to give 100% in any job I do. This ad is a great opportunity, and I don’t want to mess it up and look phony by being in shape or happy.” At press time, Prescott had completed his character study by starting a long-distance relationship with a woman he met on an anime subreddit.

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