Welcome back! After a week of more sporting events than I usually attend in a calendar year, I was thrilled to snuggle down in my bed and watch Betty ruin her life.

Once again, I watched after 10pm so I was exhausted and possibly very loopy. Read at your own risk.

We left off with Betty putting a hit on Nick St. Clair. By morning, Betty has regrets and is racing across town, a town that I seriously cannot guess the size of, to see if Nick is dead yet.

Why would you ever go see if the hit you put on someone was a success?? Once she arrives, she is shocked to find Nick alive. Shocked enough to pretty much tell him and his family she put a hit on him and they need to get out of town. Unfortunately, she doesn’t get too far since Sheriff Keller arrives to take them to the station because he tried to rape Cheryl. Sheriff Keller is, rightfully, suspicious of Betty being there.

Across town, Jughead is brooding in his trailer and Toni Topaz has apparently spent the night. I’m fairly positive Jughead was still a virgin as of last week, but he might not be anymore. Toni Topaz is all risky business like and I am truly confused on how Jughead gets so much ass.

Archie has come to meet Betty and she reveals why she’s done and that she’s done answering his phone calls.

At the Lodge residence, Cheryl’s mom is not happy the police have been informed in her incident with Nick and Cheryl has a change of heart about pressing charges. First off, how is Cheryl’s mom totally fine and why is Cheryl no longer running that show??? She pretty much tried to kill her mom in the hospital, are we over that?

Over at the diner, Toni Toaz is referring to she and Jughead’s hook up as a “PG-13 grope sess”.

Happy to some of Jughead has still alive and well. I could not support Betty getting back with a man who rebounds so quickly. Toni feels the same way and refuses to be anyone’s rebound (too late). She also says she’s more into girls.

Of course, Betty and Archie’s long walk takes them all the way to the window of pops, but Betty doesn’t seem too upset. She and Archie are also distracted by their parents calling them at exactly the same time. It seems the parents of the North Side’s elite, minus the Blossums, have finally drawn the line at Jingle Jangle. Alice Cooper is leading the charge against the North Side, which Hiram Lodge all finds very funny coming from “Acid Queen Alice”.

That might be the best line to ever come out of this show.

Alice makes a point to stress how Betty was the only child not doing drugs at the party and everyone is trying not to roll their eyes, especially Sheriff Keller who knows she’s a moron. The Sheriff just wants the dealers name, but the Mayor has decided on a take down of South Side High and the Serpents. I can just hear Jughead now “but it’s the Goolies!!!”

Speaking of South Side High, Archie has raced across town to get Jughead out of school before they raid it. What the hell happened to that top notch security system that made Jug take off his hat, but is letting a random red head walk right in. Jughead tries to save his girl Toni, but retreats with Archie to save himself. Seriously, the worst part of this show is when Jughead tries to act shocked our horrified.

Painful. Also painful, Betty over at Rivedale High, answered the Black Hood right when he called.

It seems he doesn’t need her to kill anyone, but needs her to figure out who the Sugar Man is.

The Sugar Man?? This show has some of the dumbest writers when it comes to naming shit. Anyway, the Black Hood (another oh so clever name) seems to think Betty can solve this mystery and as much as she pretends this is taking a toll on her life, you know she will put this in her college application.

First place she goes is to Cheryl’s, her dear cousin. Cherly knows the Sugar Man because it’s a story her mom made up to get them to do shit and not be bad. Seems to have worked out well for everyone. Betty then recruited Veronica to help her with the Black Hood, but first has to explain to her why she went all Dark Betty the other night and called Veronica on her shit. Honestly, no matter who was holding the gun to her head, Betty said some pretty fucked up (and true) shit. Not sure they can actually move past this.

After being saved by Archie, Jughead is really riled up and sounds like a crazy person. We are saved from most of his Goolies rant by Tallboy calling a parlay.

This fucking show. Jughead runs to some Serpent/ Goolie club house and finds out that the Serpents want to work with the Goolies. As the son of FP Jones, he is not here for this and stands up to a room full oh gang members. I never said he was smart.

When relaying how poorly he managed a bunch of killers, Archie realizes there is someone they should go to for help…FP JONES.

That sexy beast has been rotting away and Jughead has not come to see him at all. We jump right into the Serpents vs Goolies drama and I’m very upset because I’d like to know if FP is at all concerned that is son has randomly joined the Serpents. He doesn’t seem to be. FP suggests they challenge the Goolies to a street race.

At the beginning of this episode, Archie has never driven before but now we can street race??? The guys they challenge have possible had their licenses as long as Archie and Jughead have been alive, this might be the dumbest idea in the entire series and that including Archie thinking he could kill a serial killer with a baseball bat.

Of course, Betty with many talents but no common sense is working on the car to help Jughead win his race. Jughead has also found a shirt in this garage that he feels the need to wear.

Betty tells Jughead that she will tell him why she had Archie break up with him as soon as she can and I’m confused once again. You can tell Veronica, but you can’t tell your boyfriend how is on a downward spiral?

Back at the Blossom Cottage, Cheryl is asking her mother about the Sugar Man and her mom pretty much tells her to go the eff away. Cheryl’s not having it though since she’s found out her mom accepted hush money from the St. Clair’s, via Nick.

She finds the check, of course, and tells her mom she needs to know who the Sugar Man is and then she can get paid for not supporting her only living family member. I’d make higher demands than the Sugar Man, but it seems Cheryl has lost her touch and isn’t controlling her mom’s right to breath like she promised.

She also lets Veronica know that her parents are still taking money from the St. Claire.s so Ronnie tells them she was kind of attacked too. Hiram Lodge is on the loose everyone.

Cheryl rebounds quickly though (she really is amazing) and makes it across town to wave the red scarf to start this race. Jughead is driving a car that actually looks like it’ll go over 80 miles an hour, while the Goolies are driving some kind of PT Cruiser/ rapist van.

Archie seems to have some trick up his sleeve that will save them all from being killed, and no one is more thrilled than Veronica. She would like her Archikins back in one piece.

Unfortunately, FP Jones did not explain how street racing works because the Cruiser tries to run them off the road. Luckily, Jughead is completely insane now that he’s a Serpent and tries to shove them off the bridge, but Archie pulls some emergency break and the Goolies zoom past. What happens next is one of the more disturbing moments of this series. Jughead throws a hissy fit…I mean, he legit almost stomps his foot all because Archie saved their miserable lives.

Archie had another plan too and he called Sheriff Keller to arrest the Goolies. Sweet move, Arch, now we all are going to die.

It’s back to the Sugar Man story line and Cheryl comes home to her mom sitting by the fire, ready to tell her secrets. I don’t know how she even can own a home with a fire place, let alone sit that close.

Mrs. Blossom tells her that there have been many Sugar Man men, but gives her the name of the current one. Cheryl returns the check and Mrs. Blossom throws it in the fire, showing the first sign of a human heart.

Cheryl tells Veronica and Betty who the Sugar Man is and Betty decides she’s done with the Black Hood and releases the name to the police and the Blue and Gold (obvi) and tells the Black Hood she’s in charge now and she’s coming for him. She figured out Jason’s killer, she can catch him too. Betty Cooper is provoking a serial killer right now and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her more turned on.

No joke, she’s in love with this guy. And who is the Sugar Man. It’s not Keller, it’s not Fred Andrews, it’s not anyone I want it to be, it’s the self-righteous English teacher at South Side High!

Seriously, that is a waste of a character. An entire episode dedicated to this man? Back at the Lodge residence, Hermione has just received some sad news. The St. Claire family was in a car crash. Nicky will live, but it’s not good. Hiram sits there and continue to play chess.

The put a hit on Nicky. Somehow, Hiram has the power to tamper with someones car and get away with it. And the best part is when Ronnie says it’s too bad he didn’t die and Hermione looks like she’s grown two heads. YOU ALL ORCHESTRATED THIS. Don’t be upset that you created a monster.

Back in jail, the Sugar Man has been murdered by the Black Hood. The Black Hood is 100% Sheriff Keller.



See you next week where I pray someone important dies and we focus in on “Acid Queen Alice”.