Party like it’s 530 ce

So as we careen into the 21st century, we often lose sight that our elders have often cut some pretty hawt paths well before us, and that we can draw inspiration from the lengths they went to be hawt. Remember, history isn’t just the list of what websites you’ve visited in the last week, it’s a guide, kind of like a Pinterest but chiseled into stone. Today, with our current leader giving us subtle hints, and an insane chorus of “Quid pro quo” being bellowed from the news spigots, we explore how the Romans stayed on top of the #hawtstack for centuries by suggesting a few obscure things from the past that you can use to stay one step ahead in the present. We’ll be covering the hawtster Roman trifecta of body care, food and accessories.

Nothing like bronze for that delicate post pugilistic scrape down.

The Strigil – skin care has always been super hawt. From eyebrow shaving to chemical bleaching, hawtsters spend gobs of time and money on keeping themselves healthy looking. Likewise, while the internals of the the Romans, and their empire, rotted away, ancient Romans were obsessed with keeping their outsides attractive. One way to do that was to collect the sweat of others who were actually hawt, like gladiators, to use as facial lotion and even as an aphrodisiac. So, some kind of collecting device was needed, enter the Strigil. From personal, post sauna, experience I can vouch that it works! Use either broad gentle arcs or mildly aggressive detail strigiling in tight corners, to remove and collect small puddles of aromatic and viscous fluid. Ah, stop to smell the resulting nectar like a fine Valpolicella blend. Also, one now has yet another use for the tincture jars purchased at the hawtster neighborhood apothecary wholesalers.

Garum – Previously we’ve covered the hawster trend of condiment blending. There, we mentioned the mediterranean fermented fish sauce called Garum. Well, it’s making a momentous resurgence, particularly in Denmark. As all hawtsters know, ANYTHING DANISH is scathingly hawt, and this applies to condiments too. This stinky, salty, and fetid topping is a multitool of food adornment. Nothing stakes a hawtster’s claim on being noticed like uncorking some experimental 8 year old mackerel garum from Nordic Food Labs on your “matpakke.” Sitting on an Ikea table, preferably a MALM.

The Rete – Be advised, this is advanced hawtserting and should only be attempted if you’re above 7th level. If you’ve paid any attention to movies of ancient Roman gladiators, you’ve seen those trendy “gladiator sandals” that are all the rage, the staff at HawtNext currently approves of the gladiator sandal craze on several levels but, we feel that unless you pair them with other accoutrement of the war sporting set, you are a flagrant hypocrite. We suggest the staple weapon of the iconic combatant of gladiator yore the Retiarius, or “net-man.” His main tool was a combat version of the weighted fisherman’s net. Either make one, in which case you’re practicing net making which totally is #deephawt, or you visit your local wharf, which is in itself a sunken treasure trove of #deephawt, and get one.

#HOWTOHAWT:

If completed successfully, the #multihawt will rocket you to a supreme hawt status only achieved by a few epic hawtsters of the distant past. First you must construct the finest and most delicate goldfish garum. Use the koi from the pool outside the Muji next to the food court at the local mall. Secretly, bury the earthenware jar of the festering results in the container of the palm tree next to the koi pond and wait, 6 months is a bare minimum. That fateful day, with your new handcrafted Rete and gladiator sandals, just as lunch in the food court is building to a frenzied tumult, You spring into action. Seemingly emergent from a vigourous session of goat yoga, stride confidently into the center of the court and begin to remove your sweats, literally. Work quickly and with a jsua de vie that proves you know what you’re doing and you love it! Gracefully trace your shoulder blades and inner thighs with your Strigil, tapping off the resulting moisture into a tincture jar and sealing it with beeswax. You’ll be the center of attention soon enough.

As the security guard moves in to attempt to calm the gasps of astonishment from the surrounding mall denizens, withdraw your net and show them your gladiatorial skills. Once restrained, look about the throng for the Pollice verso, or thumb signal. Thumbs up? You’re good to go! Thumbs down? Finish him off by digging up your garum from next to the koi pond and feeding him a heaping glop of rotten fish guts on a saltine.

Be glad, Neo-Roman, you’ve done as they did that’s hawt, NOW!