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Yes, you should ask for consent before engaging in role-play that would be romantic or sexual in nature. It’s just basic courtesy. You’re not allowed to flash nudes at people without their consent, so obviously engaging in mutual fantasy needs permission too. You need consent for romantic role-play. You need consent for sexual role-play.

Granted, cultures can vary widely, from region to region and LARP to LARP. Perhaps your local LARP considers romantic role-play a given, or physical contact for role-playing medical assistance or rescuing doesn’t require permission. That’s all fine too, but this guide is meant to cover situations where that is not the case, and many LARPs fall under this category.

The US especially, thanks to its oppressively puritanical (puri-tyrannical, really) roots regarding sexuality and human contact, tends to have more severe and frequent issues with romance RP and unwanted physical contact. More on that can of worms later, though.

Note: When I say “sexual role-play” I am not referring to the actual performing of sexual acts while in-character. We’re talking about referencing sexual contact between two characters, not acting it out. For advice on that sort of thing, you may want to check out a blog about healthy sex habits.

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Why Do I Need Consent If It’s All Pretend?

Role-play isn’t real, right? It’s all in good fun and just to play pretend. So why is consent to romantic or sexual RP necessary?

For the same reason you don’t purposely put on a horror movie when your friend who is terrified of them comes over. Or the same reason you don’t talk about rape in front of your friend who is a rape victim. And it’s the same reason you’ve asked your friends not to call you by your first name, so they don’t: respect and basic decency.

In role-playing games (RPGs), we’re telling a collaborative story. It’s not all about me-me-me. Engaging in romantic or sexual role-play without prior consent from the other party(ies) is similar to flashing porno stills to your unsuspecting coworkers. It’s not okay. People don’t appreciate it. You’re not the main character. Dial it down and exercise some empathy before you get yourself into deep trouble.

Romance and Sex Are Not the Same Thing

Understand that you can have romantic role-play without sexual role-play and vice versa. Shout-out to my aromantic folx who enjoy sex and my asexual folx who get all gushy over their crush. A person can consent to one type of RP but not the other, and that’s okay. A person can consent to neither, and you should immediately back off.

Romance & Sexual Role-Play: The Approach

It’s worth noting that this approach advice assumes A) that you are single or in a wide open relationship out of character and B) that you don’t know the person you plan to RP with very deeply. We’ll get to what to do if your relationship situation is different further down in this post. Obviously, RP with close friends has a very different dynamic than with not-so-close folx, which is the focus of this guide. Let’s get the basics of acquiring consent out of the way and then expand from there.

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Rule Number 1: Get PRIOR Consent

Never ever launch into this sort of RP without prior permission. You need out of character consent to romantic role-play beforehand. Yes, I know that some characters are flirts. Flirting is different from romance role-play. However, if you’re asked to stop, always stop.

Rule Number 2: Don’t Be Creepy

Plenty of us nerds don’t have a great social sense of when we are making someone uncomfortable. There are some key body language behaviors you can observe to make sure the other person doesn’t feel put off by your RP proposal. For starters, stay out of their personal space bubble. Second, don’t place your body between them and any exits. Third, don’t touch them during the conversation. Touch is an intimacy that in itself requires consent. You are being hella creepy when you touch someone, even gently, just on the shoulder, without their permission.

Rule Number 3: Don’t Sound Desperate

This RP should be about your character’s development, not your out of character loneliness. Being lonely is a terrible, hollow feeling, I know, but projecting that into your role-play is super unhealthy. Always stay mindful of both your character’s emotions and your own when it comes to topics like romance, sex, and any deep emotional or personal topics.

Rule Number 4: Respect Their Response

As soon as you can tell they don’t like the idea, they make it clear they are uncomfortable, or they outright say “no”, you back off. This includes gentle turn-downs that don’t necessarily include “no”. Rejection stings like the Dickens, but don’t lash out at them or pressure them further. It is unlikely their “no” is a reflection on your character as a person. Even if it is, by backing off and respecting their wishes, you are exhibiting one of the most wonderful traits a human can: respect for others.

Also realize that just because a person is okay with a certain type of role-play or physical contact with some people, that doesn’t mean they will automatically be okay with doing so with you. Again, this is not about your character, but the other person’s comfort level. Trust takes time and effort.

Remember, both for your own mindfulness and your consideration of others, that romance/sexual role-play involves a hell of a lot of potential bleed. Many people have removed this subject from their role-play altogether for their own health and well-being. Not everyone likes or can handle romance or sexual RP, and that’s okay.

Related: 7 Ways of Managing Bleed for Healthier Gaming

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Romance Role-Play With People Other Than Your Partner(s)

This is a whole new ballgame, and deserving of its own post soon. However, I can easily give you some essential tips.

Clear it out of character with your real life partner(s) BEFOREHAND

Clear it out of character with your potential in-character partner(s) BEFOREHAND

Set boundaries for both verbal and physical limits agreed upon by all parties BEFOREHAND

You get the idea. Consent is a prior-to sort of thing. Juggling your real life partner(s) and in-character partner(s) is going to take some serious extra work, so be sure you’re up for it.

Romance Role-Play With Your Crush

Don’t. This is an extremely unhealthy approach to your unresolved emotional issues. Don’t pursue romance or sexual role-play with anyone you have an unrequited or secret crush on.

Unrequited Crushes: Sometimes we are brave enough to tell others how we feel, only for them to admit they do not feel the same way. Most people who know about your crush and don’t feel the same aren’t going to consent to the RP anyway, but not everyone is so kind. Do not open yourself up to this level of emotional manipulation. We all see our crushes through rose-colored glasses, and some people may just take advantage of this fact. Instead of dwelling on un-reciprocated feelings for someone, it’s better to work past the pain. It sucks, but it’s true.

Secret Crushes: Maybe you’ve just never been able to tell the person how you feel, and that’s okay. However, you should NOT use RP as a means of expressing yourself. The message will invariably be mixed. If you finally end up revealing your feelings, the other person is going to feel like you tried to manipulate their feelings by using bleed from their character’s feelings to influence their real life emotions. People generally aren’t going to appreciate such a realization. This often results in loss of meaningful friendships and extremely sore feelings. Best to express yourself in literally any other way.

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Sexual Assault Role-Play: Pretty Much Never

I don’t even want to write this out. Please don’t ask people to RP sexual assault with you. There’s a good reason why this topic is banned from many major LARPs. If you have a sexual domination fantasy, don’t try to act it out within your vanilla role-playing community. Better to just find a partner who is into that or hire an individual whose job includes fulfilling that fantasy. I’m not here to kink shame you and tell you to get a mental health therapist. I’m just saying that proposing sexual assault RP is going to go over about as well as beating a bee hive with a baseball bat. There are separate, safe communities that you can engage in for this purpose.

More on this here: Never Shall I Ever: Engage in Sexual Assault Role-Play



