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These are exciting times to be a Chelsea fan and how better to track the Blues’ path towards the Premier League title than with the official 2014 club calendar?

Supporters in possession of this splendid item will love the close of the year, when they can gaze upon pictures of Mr October, Juan Mata (now at Manchester United), Mr November, Fernando Torres (now missing from close range in Milan) and Mr December, Frank Lampard (now at Manchester City).

Supporters of Lamps’ new club hardly fare much better. Their companion throughout October is West Brom’s Joleon Lescott, while they can celebrate the festive month of December with Alvaro Negredo of Valencia. Beastly.

What happens in Brazil...

Plenty of talk in the last few days about embarrassing England performances and Gary Cahill has finally tackled one of his.

The Chelsea defender has taken plenty of stick for the cheesy Budweiser World Cup advert which pictured him, Samuel Eto'o, Hulk and Japan's Maya Yoshida as members of a boy band rushing through a pack of screaming female fans to the safety of their limo.

The commercial is so woeful that when asked about it Cahill muttered only "no comment" before saying "it was only in Brazil, no-one’s seen it over here, I don’t think."

Opportunity cost

Emile Heskey's sensational performance in Soccer AM's weekly show-closing shoot-out, in which he missed not only all five holes in the wall but also the actual wall himself, has caused Aston Villa fans to remember 2008.

That was when boss Martin O'Neill mulled over two £5m transfer targets and picked Emile over an obscure South American prospect... Radamel Falcao.

Class of £12.95

It’s not only the choice of Tony Blair as Philanthropist Of The Year which has people wondering if everything is all right at GQ magazine.

Earlier this year they featured a dish from Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs’ restaurant Cafe Football under the headline ‘Is This The Best Sausage Roll in Britain?’’

For the answer, let’s turn to the Evening Standard’s wonderful food critic Grace Dent, who visited the Stratford Branch last month and enjoyed the Treble Pies (“a miserable array of microwaved limp pastry”) and “loveless, limp French fries”.

“The sausage roll was a monstrosity,” she wrote. “It arrived scattered with hardened, dry, indistinguishable herbs that resembled ashtray remnants.”

So possibly not The Best Sausage Roll In Britain but surely we’re all agreed that it’s a snip at just £12.95.

Lost in translation

Newcastle's Remy Cabella is having a little trouble settling in off the pitch as well as on it, the Frenchman is struggling to make himself understood on the north East and told and interviewer: "In a local restaurant, I tried to say in English, 'do you have some bread?' The waitress came back with a spoon."

Tuppence a bag

Everton insiders have been raving about the impact made by first team coach Duncan Ferguson since his surprise elevation by Roberto Martinez and it's all the more remarkable when you read a quote from Big Dunc's mother in a new biography of the former striker.

Author Alan Patullo quotes her saying: “You know, he doesn’t really like football. He just loves his pigeons."

Footballers who sound like pubs

(Number one in a series of one)

The dream is over

The penny appears to have finally dropped for Sunderland’s Jozy Altidore. The American’s website still informs readers that “from beloved son and international soccer player to loving brother and respected philanthropist, Jozy wears many important hats in life.”

But alas it’s recently been edited to remove the section which claimed “Altidore has blossomed into one of the planet’s best strikers” after a spell at AZ Alkmaar “cultivated his skills en route to becoming one of the deadliest strikers on the planet”.

Could this be somehow connected to the fact that Jozy’s Black Cats record stands at two goals in 41 starting and sub appearances?

Towing the party line

Ed Woodward got busy as the transfer deadline approached but it appears that Manchester United’s PR team were just as active in prompting new signings as to what to say on arrival.

Marcos Rojo plumped for “to have the chance to play for the world’s biggest club is a dream”, while Ander Herrera noted “I am 24 years old and this is the moment to come to the biggest club in the world.”

Daley Blind went for “I can’t wait to work at the biggest club in the world” and Radamel Falcao insisted “Manchester United is the biggest club in the world and is clearly determined to get back to the top.”

All that came after summer signing Luke Shaw squeezed into his new shirt with the word “Manchester United is the biggest club in the world and is always going to be up there with the best.”

The only one of United’s summer influx to not claim United were the world’s biggest club was Angel di Maria. But then HE has played for Real Madrid...

Happy memories

Question of the week came from Talksport's great Ian Danter to guest Clive Allen over the Danny Welbeck transfer.

He was asked, "Clive, you've played for Arsenal, you know what it takes" - and surprisingly had an answer despite only lasting two months, three friendlies and no competitive matches at the Gunners before being bombed out to Crystal Palace!

WICKED WHISTLE

Which player's future is looking bleak already after three different women turned up at his club's training ground claiming he had failed to call them following one-night stands?

FOOTBALL GAFFES

Heard a gaffe? Tweet it using #FootballGaffes or email steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.com, putting 'Football Gaffes' in the subject field.

“They lack the cherry on the cake to unlock the door" - Phil Neville

"England have been scrutinised and theyooked at in some depth" - Andy Townsend

“Coming up, we’re talking to Piers Morgan about Arsenal’s £16m purchase of Danny Wallace” - Alan Brazil

"Oops - fraudulent slip" - Alvin Martin

"He showed the beauty of having two feet" - Glenn Hoddle

“On Danny Welbeck, it’s coming down to crossing the i’s and dotting the t’s” - Neil Lennon

OVERHEARD...

Tell us the funniest things you’ve overheard either said or shouted at football and you can win a pair of VIBE headphones, RRP £79.99. There are more prize details at www.vibeaudio.co.uk. Tweet your stories using #FootballOH or email them to steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.com, putting 'Overheard' in the subject field.

From Alex Leighton, via email: During a Sunderland match the centre mid had the ball looking to pick out a pass. Julio Arca made a bursting run down the flank, resulting in a member of the crowd shouting “Wing! Wing! Wing!” Another fan shouted, “Can someone answer the phone?"

From @deco2511: To the tune of Yellow Submarine - "Some poor monkey's got a Tony Mowbray face."

From @ScottAWhittaker: Heard a fellow Palace fan shout to the Crystal Girls cheerleaders: "I’ve liked your pictures on Instagram."

From @mervynthepanda: Bolton fans at Walsall's Floors 2 Go stand: "I'm carpet 'til die."

But this week's winner is... @dezzysbird: My kids mishearing a chant and joining in with "the referee's a hamster."