OFFICIAL: Nintendo Switch “exclusively for non-straight folk”

It’s official! Chief Representative of Nintendo of America confirmed no less than 24 hours after the first official trailer for the new Nintendo console was released, that this console would only work if you aren’t cishet.

“It’ll just lock up and refuse to let you play,” The representative continued. “It’s patented technology, reverse engineered from all the vitriol we’ve had to suffer at the hands of hets to keep us from enjoying ourselves.”

The representative made a point of saying that people who weren’t eligible to use the console would simply be locked out, not shocked or anything as some pundits have claimed could happen. They explained with a chuckle “That’s not something we would do! That would be a feature on a straights-exclusive console, I’m sure, but not ours”.

There has been some good news for cishet gamers who still want to have a crack at the latest Super Mario or Zelda games, though - if they can submit a letter to Nintendo citing 5 of their LGBT friends, or pay an monthly fee of $50 (£40), they can get a license to play with these friends or solo under the new ‘Ally’ system. This feature will not roll out with the console and has been projected to be released by Q2 of 2017.

The NX, or the Nintendo Switch as it’s now been officially confirmed to be called, will be released in March 2017.