With all apologies to the great J-Swift, the original Modest Proposal is beyond out of date. Irish people no longer have the highest birth rate in the world and we have, despite the hypocritical “pro-life” machinations of the American Christian Right, many excellent methods of birth control at our disposal.

One of the problems that has survived Swift’s time is that of sexists. One of our modern misogynists recently repeated the sentiment that women are made from ribs and are therefore a “lesser cut of meat”, managing to be not only anti-science and anti-woman, but anti-taste in his misguided words.

It is with men like him in mind that I present this: A Modern Modest Proposal For Preventing The Sexists in Office From Being A Burden to Their Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public.

After all, aren’t men like him, by their own admission, better cuts of meat? Come to think of it, a rather extensive number of men go on and on about how good their meat is, even sending unsolicited pictures of it in the hopes of tempting the recipients to partake. Shouldn’t we take them up on their offer and give them what they want?

It is a sad state of affairs to those who pay attention to political news in the country, when they see the state legislation houses, the Governor’s mansions, and even Congress, crowded with thoughtless beings of the male sex, followed by three, four, or six sycophants, all in suits and importuning every voter for penance and donations. These lawmakers, instead of thinking before they speak, are forced to employ all their time in turn begging for forgiveness and for contributions to their campaigns. Additionally, anyone attempting to find genuine human connection in this vast world of ours is aware of just how real The Thirst is, to the point where men who feel entitled to the sex they want with the people they want at any time they want are ruining it for the rest of us.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of sexists reliant on the existence of their mothers and wives, and frequently of their daughters, to combat charges of sexism, is in the present deplorable state of the country a very great additional grievance. Therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these man-children sound, useful members of the republic, would deserve to have their statue set up for a Brave Hero of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the misogynists; it is of a much greater extent. I have been assured by a very knowing and sophisticated European of my acquaintance that a woman-hater makes for a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled. Seeing as we are Americans, and barbecue is one of our proudest culinary traditions, it is only fitting that we take up South Carolina State Senator Thomas Corbin’s tempting offer of his better cut of meat by cooking him low and slow over indirect heat from high-smoke fuels. As for the proud boasters who talk about their sausages to anyone with whom they come in contact, their traditional practice of laying their genitals alongside a Coke can suggests a sauce that’s a rather tasty Southern tradition.

Supposing that misandrists in this country would be constant customers for sexist flesh, and others might have it at parties (particularly on the 4th of July and Memorial Day), but not forgetting that most of the sausages are smaller than their bearers claim they are, I compute that we’d be out of meat in no time at all. The more skilled among us could flay the carcassed; the skin will make lovely gloves for femmes and boots for dapper butches.

I won’t hear of alternatives to my idea until we have had at least some glimpse of hope that there will ever be some thoughtful and sincere attempt to put more reasonable ideas into practice. It would be ridiculous for us to think that things like reducing the aggressive gender-policing that haunts all children (but especially the ones designated male) from birth, ceasing the practice of calling boys and men “girls” or “ladies” with the intention of insulting them, encouraging deconversion from and more progressive interpretations of misogynistic religions, spreading a vision of sexuality that is based less on conquest and more on mutual attraction and pleasure, and questioning the persistent objectification and dehumanization of women that makes it easy for a man in power — an elected official — to think it’s a good idea to literally reduce women down to the meat of which they are comprised.

As for myself? Having been wearied out for many years of my relatively young life with offering vain, idle, radical thoughts about smashing the patriarchy, and finally utterly succumbing to despair, I fortunately stumbled into this idea. I admit, with all sincerity, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I have no sexist men in my life by which I can propose to get a single cent, the most misogynist of them merely lacking in some education and nuance. Heck, I might even owe royalties to a certain Southern story, if anything, for the idea.

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