In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, and all that it stands for, I’d like to give in to the overwhelming depression that the very essence of this Holiday pours through the media onto the hearts of anyone who’s ever been single past the age of 13.

For people living with Lupus Chronic Illness, dating can be…um…extra special tricky. I see a lot around the internet, from Chronic Illness websites, with people saying things like

I don’t want to date anyone seriously, because I don’t want to be a burden on them.

or

Whatever relationships I’m in usually end around the next time I have a flare.

What a lot of women (and men, but statistically more often women) are saying is not that there’s no one out there that wants to be with them, but more that they are afraid to take the emotional risk to find out. And while it might be easy for me to grab hold of someone else by the face and shake them, telling them “Goodness gracious you’re so worth it! The trouble is nothing compared to how fantastic you are!”…

I’m still guilty of running the same thoughts through my mind whenever the prospect of dating comes up in my life.

In the past (since currently I find myself super *super* lucky), I’ve had plenty of Lupus-related problems with dating. And I’ve been asked about it a lot. I get asked if I need to stay away from people in order to keep myself healthy and to anyone with Lupus or any other Chronic Illness who purposefully avoids sex and relationships to stay healthier I have to say this:

You will not be better off. I have had my fair share (and then some) of awful awful, horrid, messed up and deranged experiences. But the few encounters that have been real, the few relationships that have had truth and meaning in them-no matter how lengthy they were or how difficult, they were worth all the bad, all the pain and all the reverberation from that pain. This advice applies to anyone, Chronically Ill or not. Adventures and failures in romance will give more to your life. Not take it away. So for goodness sake, do not stay away from people because you are afraid of what you expect to happen. You are missing out on a crucial part of your health.

And my advice to those of you who are trying to date, but having trouble getting any success because of your illness, I’ve been there too. I’ve had people tell me they’re too afraid to get close to me because they feel I don’t come with any kind of long term guarantee. Some who thought they could handle it, but the first sign of weakness in me had them running for the hills. So this is what I do now.

I’m upfront. I know, most people like to keep serious stuff until you’re planning to live with someone, and until that point it’s all smoke and mirrors and games and lies and hiding your real baggage. Nope. Not anymore.

Hi, I’m Diana, I think you’re super extra special cute and I’ve got Lupus. Dating me would be kind of annoying sometimes. Care to continue?

Being honest with someone so early on allows them time to GTFO before you’re invested enough for feelings to get hurt. And also, if they really are interested in you, will give them a heads up on something that’s important in your life, and therefore, any relationship you might have with them.

Also, sex is good for you. So, you know….get on that.