“If You Really Loved Me”: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard

We, as feminists, claim to be staunch allies to victims of domestic violence. That we must believe women when they say they feel abused and unsafe. That, despite an abusers intentions, the act is still mercilessly damaging to every aspect of the victims life.

However, when it comes to male victims of domestic abuse an interesting and disturbing pattern emerges. When a woman is found to have perpetrated acts of violence against her male intimate partner…we bend over backwards to explain and excuse it.

Of course I’m talking about the case of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. After meeting on the set of The Rum Diaries in 2011 the pair became a couple in 2012 and eventually married in 2015. It was only fifteen months after they tied the knot that Amber Heard filed for divorce alleging that Johnny Depp physically and emotionally abused her the entirety of their relationship. She alleged that his drug and alcohol abuse was a catalyst for the abuse, noting in legal documents that…

“Johnny(sic) relationship with reality oscillates”

The various court documents from Heard’s legal team paint a fairly damning portrait of the Pirates of the Caribbean star. Johnny Depp comes off as a paranoid, controlling partner who was prone to outburst of terrifying violence. The only problem in her account was that Heard’s accusations were not supported by much physical evidence and many of her witnesses were receiving financial compensation from her at the time of their depositions. This, of course, does not mean the incidents didn’t happen. It doesn’t even mean that Johnny Depp couldn’t be an abuser.

This is the part where everyone is going to get very uncomfortable because the evidence that Amber Heard abused Johnny Depp, as he has claimed, is pretty hard to dismiss. Most damning of all is a recently released audio recording of a private conversation between Johnny Depp and Amber heard in the wake of one of the incidences of violence Depp claims was perpetrated against him by Heard.

As someone who has been in abusive relationships listening to a forty seven minutes of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard talking about their abusive relationship is about as triggering as it gets. At no point does Amber Heard mention a single incident in which Depp was physically abusive to her. She does, however, accuse him of NOT fighting with her enough. She claims that her biggest issue with him in their marriage was that he often leaves when they fight.

Upon explaining why he leaves, Depp talks about his fear of her physical outbursts. His fear of being punched, of having things thrown at him. That he leaves so that he doesn’t lose his temper. He keeps trying over and over to explain these feelings. Feelings that Heard repeatedly says are irrelevant. When he tells her that he is upset that she lied about hitting him to his friend, Travis, her tone changes dramatically. What happens next is the definition of gaslighting.

Heard admits that she hit him, she admits that she lied to his friend, that she threw things at him. That her anger comes from a deep seated fear of being abandoned. Heard admits that she likes the fighting and it makes her feel secure. She states that it is Depp’s responsibility to tell her if she is doing or saying something that hurts him. Unfortunately, this part of the recording comes after she dismisses his feelings about her actions for over thirty minutes.

But, the part that stopped me in my tracks was when Heard told Depp that in order to save the marriage he had to stop walking out of fights saying that he would stay…

“If you really loved me…”

Soon after Depp says the most important thing of all. He states that there can be no physical violence in their relationship or they must separate. Heard’s response?

“I can’t promise that I won’t get physical again. God, I fucking get so mad I lose it.”

It’s heartbreaking to listen to because it’s clear that these are two people who both have issues with abandonment. In Depp’s case, he seems to be very clear about how he feels. He states calmly and clearly that he does not feel safe with her when they fight but hat he wants to help her.

Heard, never seems to take responsibility for creating those feelings. In fact, she blames him for making her mad. Which is what abusers say even if they don’t know that they are abusers. It’s not about liking violence. It’s about power and control.

And, while we don’t know everything there is a mountain of evidence available to read by the public. Heard is alleged, according to court documents and witnesses to have defecated or put dog feces in their bed when she was angry with him, nearly cut off the tip of his finger with a vodka bottle, asked friends to lie to the police for her and accused a gay female police officer of being homophobic and most importantly, was arrested on charges of domestic violence toward a former intimate partner.

What does all of this mean? It means that the dog pile to demonize Johnny Depp was grossly unfair and did not respect what domestic violence survivors and experts have been telling us for years. That men can and are the victims of domestic violence. And when they are it often doesn’t look the way we expect it to. Which is why it is so disturbing that in 2020 we are still waiting to see if the woman who admitted to being physically and mentally abusive in an audio recording and depositions is actually an abuser.

While we claim to be progressive and feminist are we either of those things when we fail to see a victim of abuse simply because they are a man? Or is it this particular man that we are struggling to see as a victim? Johnny Depp is weird. It’s what most fans love about him. However, that same weirdness is a weapon being used to deny his victimhood. And that is a failure of the media and our own ignorance of how intimate partner violence works.

Perhaps we will learn the whole truth about what happened between Depp and Heard but I’m not sure we should. Listening to that tape made me feel sick. Not just because the pain in both their voices or the words, so familiar to abuse victims. It was because the only reason we are hearing it is because Johnny Depp hasn’t been able to defend himself.

Until we are able to be honest as a society about what abuse looks like we will continue to let down victims, both male and female. Because this isn’t about taking sides or destroying the lives of abusers, it’s about recognizing the signs and getting help for all involved. Including those who abuse.

Try to remember, as this story unfolds, that we don’t know exactly what happened but we know there are victims. That we must refrain from the ugliness instead learning to listen with our hearts instead of People magazine headlines. We have to do better. Perhaps the story of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard won’t end in sadness but in love and support for those in abusive realtionships.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic partner violence and/or abuse The National Domestic Violence Hotline advocates are available 24/7 at 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential.