substancecode_mdma

explevel_firsttime

I’m in my 20s, and never tried anything illegal before. The only mild altering substance I really have experience with is alcohol (I guess the title lies… you know what I mean though), and SSRIs (not that those really count). I am not currently on any meds. During highschool, I was pretty anti-drugs (nice work government!) but then I went to uni and learnt stuff (neuroscience degree ftw) . I also found people I knew took stimulants like ecstasy and amphetamines every now and again and weren’t addicts on the street like I thought back then. Currently, I’m doing a PhD in a neuropharmacology lab, and there is a lot of research being done on MDMA in there. So of course I wanted to try MDMA, but have been a bit scared. But academic knowledge together with hearing about people’s experiences made it an alright risk to take, even though I have a mental illness. I have social anxiety disorder and a history of depression, but I was also aware of the dangers of trying to self medicate; I wasn’t looking for a cure. I just really wanted to know what it felt like. I decided that I would do it at home and alone first rather than out in case of an adverse reaction. I was also worried that it might cause either a manic or a depressive episode.I was excited and nervous all day at uni on the day I was going to try that MDMA. I made sure that I was feeling okay, not depressed, etc. Because I had no one with me, I talked into my video camera instead. As soon as I took it, I jumped to every bodily sensation, questioning if that was an effect. Does that orange look nicer? Was that light there before? Etc. Nope, just my imagination. I lied down about 30 minutes later, and the bed was really comfy. I complained in to my camera that I was ready to fall asleep. Then I noticed that my pupils have gotten really big, and I got excited that it’s working. I thought that looked so amazing, so I kept looking at my eyes. The anxiety from before had gone, and I felt relieved I wasn’t going to die (lol!).I went to eat my dinner, and I just wanted to talk about anything, even while eating! It didn’t bother me that there wasn’t a real person there, the camera was good enough, because nothing was really a problem. Although worries hadn’t completely gone away, I was conscious that the neighbors might hear me talking to myself or someone might just come home early and see those dilated pupils. At the same time, I thought it would funny if that did happen. What would their reaction be?I didn’t feel any ‘rush’ or tingly feelings or whatever, just my mood gradually kept increasing. What was unexpected is that I felt so calm and peaceful, rather than over-excited. I expected to become really hyperactive and when I read people’s experiences on erowid, I imagined an adrenaline rush kind of feeling. But it was more like the feeling you get when you experience something really good news after something stressful, or like winning something big, or being recognized for some achievement, except the period after it, where you’ve calmed down from the excitement and you feel really good about yourself for your achievement. Although that was as close as I can come to describing the feeling, it was only a feeling, I didn’t actually think/believe that I accomplished any great achievement, I only felt the emotions associated with it if that makes sense (i.e I was not experiencing any delusions of grandeur)I usually have quite a low self esteem, and on the MDMA, I didn’t feel any inflated self esteem or ego pertaining to either my personality or appearance. In fact, it just didn’t matter at all. I am who I am, and that’s all there is to it, I’m neutral, not a good person, not a bad person, there is no time to focus on myself when there is a world out there to explore and admire.Most of the time was spent listening to music, feeling everything and talking to my camera. I didn’t notice anything different about the music, but it was like they were all my favorite song. As I was describing it, most of them were the ‘most awesome song ever!’. Everything felt better, but nothing really different in terms of perception. It was fun exploring the house feeling up everything. I really liked my pillow and was rubbing my face all over it. I also felt like the block that stops my stream of consciousness from spilling out was loosened a bit, so I said what was on my mind out loud, which was why I wanted to talk so much. Things were also a lot funnier and I was very easily entertained. I made up lyrics to the songs (eg “I took an e and I liked it, taste of the bitter pill, I took an e just to try it, I hope my mother don’t mind it”) and that was absolutely the most hilarious thing ever.The comedown was gradual; I remained in a good mood, but more of a ‘normal’ good mood if that makes sense. It even lasted until the next day, I was really glad I had the experience, and finally found out what it was like! I spent all that time reflecting about it. The day after, I took a ride on the mood swing. But I think what happened is I was emotionally reactive, like if a depressing song came on the radio, I felt low, but then I went to uni to experiment, and it felt good to see the ratties again. Although I do have days like that normally so it might have just been a coincidence.It’s been a week now. I want to do that again and see what happens if I do it with other people. A couple of days after, I *really* wanted to do it again, but that feeling has diminished. It wasn’t the best experience of my life, and I spent half the time saying that I was so glad this wasn’t the best experience of my life, otherwise it could have made regular life more mundane. It also did help a bit with my self esteem, because I think about how ‘neutral’ I felt. My social anxiety disorder was not magically cured either.Thanks for reading