By Trina Ortega

One could look at 45-year-old Heather Russell — a tall, thin blonde established in her career as a licensed professional counselor and a mountain bike racer with a witty personality and a rich laugh — and wonder if this seemingly perfect woman has led an equally perfect life.

But Russell is among those she describes as the “walking wounded,” adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. As a result, she has struggled much of her life with an eating disorder, being comfortable “in her skin,” and has battled depression and anxiety.

“Life has been a real struggle for me. As difficult as it is to share my story, I have to in hopes that it will help others not feel so alone. People are suffering. I don’t want to miss an opportunity to be frank about what’s really going on out there in our mountain communities,” Russell said.

Russell aims to help other adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse and assault through her nonprofit Sacred Cycle, the mission of which is to empower sexual trauma survivors through therapy and mountain biking. The problem is more prevalent than some would guess: 1 in 4 women experience some type of sexual abuse before 18 years of age, according to the nonprofit advocacy organization Wings Foundation. Current estimates report there are 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in the United States.

“People with trauma can be very high-functioning but have a lot of secret to spare. I want to offer hope to people and share that my life is not easy. It might appear that things are great, but I’ve had tremendous difficulty. I know a lot of people struggle, and it’s so hidden,” Russell said, adding that childhood sexual abuse is not limited to women. One in six men have suffered the same, and the numbers for both genders represent only the individuals who have reported incidents. It’s part of why she wants to bring awareness to the issue and has started a mountain biking team that races for the cause. She has organized local skills clinics and hosted professional mountain bike racers to speak at special events.

Heather Russell assists a rider at a Sacred Cycle-sponsored women's skills clinic in summer 2017. Members of the board of directors and Russell, right, fly the Sacred Cycle colors on casual rides and competitive races to raise awareness.

Russell has an undergraduate degree in art history and earned a master’s in counseling psychology from Naropa University in Boulder, Colo. When she first came up with the idea to use cycling to help others, she was living out of her car, working at a bike shop and training to race several endurance events including solo at the 24 Hours in the Sage in Gunnison, Colo. She also was working for a sexual assault crisis line. During graduate school, she had an internship at a psychiatric hospital and noticed that most of the patients — both women and men — stated that they had been assaulted or abused at some point in their lives. All of this got the wheels spinning for her nonprofit.

Through Sacred Cycle, women are offered nearly eight months of in-depth trauma treatment. Participants can work with counselors of their choice, or Sacred Cycle will help identify therapists. The other component to the program is mountain biking. Participants receive a mountain bike and equipment to use during the course of the program and work with a certified coach free of charge.

“Cycling has been very inspiring and healing to me. There are also so many metaphors on the bike that relate to healing and to life in general. For example, you need momentum and guidance to get over technical challenges on the trail, just as you need momentum and support to tackle problems in life,” Russell said, adding that the sport did not come naturally to her. But she stuck with it, and as she improved, she gained confidence on and off the bike. She has competed in numerous long distance events, which taught her about perseverance. She figured if she could ride her bike for 24 hours, she could get through anything.

Sacred Cycle launched its pilot program in 2017 with five women in the Denver area. The women in the pilot program were adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse referred through the Wings Foundation, and they all had gone through group and individual therapy. According to Russell, Sacred Cycle is not a program for people who are in crisis or have recently been assaulted. Applicants should be over 18 and have previously undergone some personal work so that they’re entering the program “wanting to move from a place of surviving to thriving.”

One of the clients in the pilot program was active in the cycling component and worked with a mountain bike coach. Suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as a result of childhood sexual abuse, the woman was apprehensive to try mountain biking. Russell rode with her on the initial outing.

“The first time we went riding, she told me, ‘I feel capable.’ It was very inspiring to hear this after years of program development. It was my first client in the riding program, and it was pretty profound after so much organizational work by so many people to be out there riding a bike with a client,” Russell said. Immediately afterward she phoned Jeannine Anders, one of her board of directors and the manager of the Sacred Cycle mountain bike team, and stated: “This is what we want!”

The participant, too, made huge strides while working with Sacred Cycle and stated that it was necessary to engage in the more challenging sport of mountain biking. “Facing my fear on the top of a hill on my bike was huge for me. Making it down that hill — however slowly — gave me such a feeling of accomplishment. Every time I hopped over or dropped off something, I felt limitless. That’s a rare feeling for me,” the participant wrote in a followup email to Russell.

Russell, right, and Emily Hightower, center, host pro enduro/XC/cyclocross racer Teal Stetson-Lee, left, at an event to raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse.

Russell’s goal is to put all the pieces in place for a safe, healing experience because consistent, quality therapy is difficult to access. She hopes to build a community of survivors to show that the healing process can be fun and rewarding and lead to personal growth. For its pilot program, Sacred Cycle did not require participants to mountain bike but wanted them to be active outdoors. Russell says there is value in being in nature, and when she was a girl, it was the only place she felt safe.

“I was bullied for being overweight and in my house that was not OK. At school, one kid used to spit on me whenever he saw me in the hall. I did my best to not be noticed but I was a target in both venues,” she said.

She describes herself as an introvert who needs solace to recharge, but is happiest when she’s with friends and family doing something physical in the outdoors.

“Laughter is crucial for me, and I surround myself with people that have intelligently witty personalities. That laughter and playfulness is something I’m trying to bring to Sacred Cycle because so much of the healing process is filled with sorrow and grief. But with support, there can also be this beautiful awakening that occurs.”

According to Boulder, Colo.-based psychotherapist and writer Myriam Maida, working in nature can also help a survivor gain positive memories through her body, which is often experienced as a place of pain because of abuse.

“Trauma happens when we experience something unbearable. We don’t know how to process that experience, and it gets stored in our bodies and nervous systems, until we feel safe, secure, and relaxed enough to touch those feelings,” Maida writes in an article titled “PTSD and Wilderness.”

“For many people with PTSD, nature provides the ultimate ‘greater context of safety and care.’ Nature is totally nonjudgmental; it’s innately healthy and harmonious; and it reminds us of the strength, beauty and persistence of life. Because of this, nature is often a perfect environment for exploring sensitive issues related to past traumas.”

Russell is familiar with repressing unbearable experiences.

When she was 8, she developed an eating disorder, and body shame ruled her life. Every day began with stressing over how she would go out in public. “I did not feel comfortable in my own skin, and that was limiting. When I first started cycling in high school, I would go out at night so no one would see me,” she said.

After a suicide attempt at age 18, she sought counseling and began treating the eating disorder but still felt something else was wrong. There was a layer she hadn’t uncovered and the reason why she felt so disconnected from her body. With the help of another therapist when she was in her 30s, Russell finally felt she had the support to dig a little deeper and get to the root of why she had always hated herself. Memories started to surface: She had been sexually abused by trusted family friends as well as a person within the family during her preschool and grade school years. She was a child of neglect, as well, with a mother fighting breast cancer and a father who was emotionally unavailable and later became estranged after her parents divorced.

“I always knew something had happened to me, but I didn’t have very clear memories until later. I don’t think I could’ve handled knowing when I was younger; it would’ve changed my entire way of living. It’s a survival technique to not remember because it’s so horrifying,” Russell explained. “It’s common for women in their 30s and 40s to start remembering abuse because they’re more stable in their lives, they’re able to handle knowing what happened. They understand that knowing about the sexual abuse they experienced as a child is not going to kill them.”

Russell said most children are abused by someone they know, which is confusing for children and leads to trust issues that continue into adulthood. Furthermore, most children who are sexually abused experience the violation and then immediately blame themselves. “You develop a lot of shame and guilt, and that’s really hard to overcome without the help of an experienced therapist.”

Sexual trauma can lead to psychological illnesses, including sleep disturbances, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, lack of boundaries with others, suicidal thoughts, and self-injury. According to Russell, eating disorders are prevalent among survivors. Food can become a coping mechanism to mask the real pain, mirroring the secrecy of abuse. Having finally found a therapist who understood, who also was an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Russell learned that her struggles and feelings were normal for a person who had experienced such trauma.

"With mountain biking, you have to touch in with your physical being, and I was so disconnected from my body. I had to learn how to be present in my own skin. When I ride, I often gently remind myself to come back to the breath or come back to my body."

–Heather Russell, founder of Sacred Cycle

That was not the end of the healing process, however. Despite all the healing work that Russell has done, dentist or doctor visits can still trigger panic and memories of being held down and suffocated.

About the shame, Russell explains: “I can row a boat down the Grand Canyon and ski almost anything, but I wasn’t able to go to the gynecologist without panic. There was so much confusion and shame to work through. Now I’m unapologetic in what I need. I ask a friend to go to the gyno with me, and I request a female dentist.”

When she discovered mountain biking in college, it brought solace. It was one place where she could feel OK with her body, in fact had to be in touch with her body.

“A big part of my life’s work has been developing present moment awareness. With mountain biking, you have to touch in with your physical being, and I was so disconnected from my body. I had to learn how to be present in my own skin. When I ride, I often gently remind myself to come back to the breath or come back to my body. To avoid getting hurt I’ll say to myself ‘trail’ if my mind wanders. I broke my collarbone on a day when I was emotionally drained and did not stay present while riding.”

The Sacred Cycle pilot program culminated in a retreat near Redstone, Colo., where participants gathered with Russell and other professionals for a session of equine therapy, yoga sessions, breath work, and to connect with one another outdoors.

Russell said the women were apprehensive when they arrived but settled in over the course of the weekend. One stated that she didn’t know healing could be so fun. They all want to keep in touch now, which is another component of Sacred Cycle — an online community where survivors can keep in touch.

“We want our participants to feel loved and worthy of the support,” Russell said. “Healing from sexual trauma is truly not something you can do alone. I certainly would not be where I am without the unconditional support I’ve received over the years, and I wanted to give back by helping others find a supportive community, whether it’s with Sacred Cycle or another organization. Ideally, our participants will go on to help others.”

Russell knows there will adjustments to the program as it grows but has heard from the participants that they made “big breakthroughs” because of the consistent therapy.

One participant’s reflection about the program is best summed up in her own words: “I finally freed 8-year-old me from the clutches of my family and the abuse I suffered there. I learned to treat her with kindness and patience instead of anger and disappointment. I’m so grateful to Sacred Cycle for that. It was an opportunity that didn’t exist anywhere else.”

For more information or to apply for the program, visit www.thesacredcycle.org.