IT seems my opponents have signed a pledge to legislate against no-deal Brexit. Sadly they appear to have forgotten that I’m Boris, and I do whatever I f**king want.

I am not bound by your petty laws or morality or the fact I have a parliamentary majority of one. None of that matters. I get my way because I always have. Anything else is unthinkable.

Parliament’s going to vote against me? Boom. No more Parliament, bitches. The British people won’t award me a landslide election victory? Then I guess we won’t be having any f**king elections.

Sure, hold your little vote of no confidence, Remainer Tories. I’m Boris. I’m not going to resign just because convention dictates it. I will remain in Downing Street for as long as I want. I’ll board myself in the loft with a cricket bat if I have to. You won’t get me out.

I’m Boris. If I want it, I take it. If I want to shag your wife, I’m shagging her. So shut up with your ‘constitutional outrage’, ‘undemocratic’ and all that cock. From now on, democracy is what I say it is. Which happens to be: Borisocracy.

Perhaps I should have mentioned earlier I was a crazed egomaniac with dictatorial tendencies but let’s face it, all the signs were there. You loved the Latin-speaking buffoon act, so now let’s all pull together and get behind me doing whatever I want.

Parliament’s over. The Lords will be placed under house arrest and the opposition will be outlawed. The Queen will do what she is bloody told.

Because I’m Boris. And I do whatever the f**k I like.