I suck at relationships. Namely the pursuit of them — I am barely functional interior-wise and exterior-wise that it’s a miracle I have friends. Usually it helps when we have similar interest such as film and music so I can try my hardest to register as human (otherwise, I probably won’t give you the time of day in fear that I’ll trip over myself), so to bypass all the icky mess of a girl getting to know me, I just created a questionnaire for prospective significant others to tell me about themselves and see how we align. I made this based on a friend of mine asking what sort of unboring questions would I use to get to know someone.

I listed all the dumb yet sincere questions I thought off and placed them here and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t want to get to know anyone.

In any case, for all of you prospective interests, feel free to send your responses to moviemotorbreath@yahoo.com. I never check that email, so don’t wait up for an answer, this ain’t a goddamn job application.

(P.S. yes, this was influenced heavily by Chuck Klosterman’s 23 Questions section from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. I picked 26 Questions because it is a nice round number and I didn’t want anybody knowing that unless I told them).

Do you love Slayer? I’m about to die and you can choose a jazz saxophone solo to play me out with while I memorize a perfect cocktail. What cocktail do you want and will you drink it immediately? (P.S. don’t pour one out for me, jerk, there be thirsty brothas in Africa). Have you ever googled your own Social Security Number? If no, can I have your SSN and google it? What is your size? Not a size shaming thing, I’m doing this for a survey. Also, how good are you at math? What flaw about you are you most proud of? I am a Nigerian Prince with finances currently in jeopardy. I promise like 10% if you give me your bank account, routing number, and PIN. What do you think? Would I pass for royalty? Think about the era of the 1900s you would have most loved to live through (or re-live through if you lived through it), now think about the exact opposite era of that time. You’re stuck in that era. How do you get back? You get to be remembered by only one person in your life once you’re gone, everybody else will forget about you. Who do you choose? What is your least favorite autocorrect that your phone pulls on you? Is it embarrassing or do you recognize that the fault is entirely in Steve Jobs and you’re glad he’s dead? Your house is on fire and all your pets have escaped but you must save your prized record collection — do you burn to death first or do you suffocate from the fumes? You are surrounded by the calming sound of rainpour and want to write a song to compliment its soothing ambience. Show your work and if you plaigairize Steve Vai’s “Boston Rain Melody”, your application will be forfeit (head to the bottom of post for reference so you don’t fail this accidentally). If you could replace the Tower of Babel in any section of the world and have it collapse on them, where would it be? You can eat any book in the world and suddenly the knowledge of the writer would be embedded into your brain. What movie would you go see this weekend? (run to the bottom of this post for reference) Dis ma baby dawg Bruno! He good dawg. I feed heem good. I love heem. YOU LOVE HEEM? I KEEL YOU!!!! Do you have any questions for me? How do you feel knowing that I refuse to answer them because I’m asking the questions here, motherfucker? A dreaded sunny day, so I’ll meet you at the Cemetry Gates — Who is on your side and who is on my side? PSYCH BITCH!!!! DIS AIN’T THE SMITHS CEMTRY GATES, DIS THE PANTERA CEMETERY GATES!!!! THE CRYPTKEEPER CRAWLS OUT OF HIS HOLE!!! (go to bottom for reference) What shitty pun does he give us? What childhood memory could you see yourself getting rid of? OK, now you can’t just toss it away, you have to give it to someone else, who? Could you imagine the two of us owning a pet dinosaur? Who decides the name of this dinosaur? If you, what would you name? If me, I’m naming the dinosaur “Bubba”. Are you mad? Will you get off my case? Did you change your mind about question 8? Why do you make me feel like such a failure? You need to rescue me from a doomsday cult, how many attempts do you make to get me out before you give up and leave me to enter that creepy bunker? You’ve got a time machine that can only go to New Year’s… you can only use it twice — to get to your ideal New Year’s and get back to your time if you wish. Are you disappointed you don’t get to go to the day after Valentine’s Day instead for that half price chocolate? You get to pick out a last meal before you are executed for eating the remaining member of a now extinct species. Which tasted better, your ideal last meal or the final animal? What makes you cry? If you chose A for most or all the previous questions, this question will be will you marry me? If you chose 2 for like a couple, do you promise to shut the fucking door on your way out?

For reference for Question 11

In reference to question 14

For reference to Question 17

Bonus question to help you curve that terrible score: You are tasked with making me a mixtape only based on the information you can deduce from this questionnaire, since this has been ideally our only avenue of contact so far. What songs do you pick?

OK, yep, that’s about it. Thank you for your participation and we’ll call you, yo, I’m going to sleep.