An Auckland father has sent his son off to bed tonight by telling him a story of a mythical place called “the provinces,” where people support rugby teams other than The Blues and poors can in some cases afford houses.

The man’s son was physically and emotionally rattled as his eyes were opened to a potential world outside Auckland, where people can’t even see the Sky Tower from their house.

“People don’t live there, though, do they, Dad?”

“Some say they do,” he replied. “Some say they do, and some say that they drive only fifteen minutes to work and in some places, they don’t even get international concerts every week.”

Tears began to well up in the boy’s eyes.

“In winter, in the provinces, it can get below 15 degrees Celsius,” he continued, “and sometimes the ground shakes and destroys everything. In the provinces, there are places where they don’t even have streets full of new age cafes and other total wank.”

The boy began to shake.

“Relax, son,” he said, smiling. “It’s probably not true. The provinces probably don’t exist, and you won’t have to think about them, ever.”

The boy asked his father whether the Coromandel – where they had just spent their Christmas holidays – could be part of the provinces.

“No, son,” he said. “That’s obviously part of Auckland.”