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I meet Mundane Matt at Vidcon and lose a hotdog eating contest, split trash cans, the war on toilet paper, conferences and the people who go to them, global warming nonsense, Mumkey Jones bails on calling in and costs me $50, running out on your family, the importance of not making people insane, questions with unnecessary answers, Vito: the neckbeard who vaped an e-girl’s bathwater, The Chris Cant Cast starring Cantillions and Chris the Kiwi, storming the Federal Reserve, Null and his girlfriend sitting in a tree, D-O-X-X-I-N-G, and I save a Maddox; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I wish I could announce Road Rage: Minnesota right now, but I can’t! I’m still working on the venue. Stay tuned to this space and all of the other various federated and unfederated spaces that make up the gestalt of my greater digital self for an update. It will be coming, and I pray to Jesus that it will be coming on August 17th, because that’s the only day it can work. NickCon–2019. But first…

He lays in bed arguing on Reddit all day and gratifying himself to increasingly degenerate pornography, getting up only to refill his drink of ice and flavored vodka and accept a new pizza deliveries; pissing into a bucket on top of stacked heap of trash, swiping right and waiting, and consuming, and being true to himself. He is…the most honest man in the world.

He talks to his mother every day, several times a day, only to ask what’s for dinner. He runs on apps and reciprocation and institutionalized mulligans, which he disdains; laughing at nothing because he does not entertain hypotheticals. He studies the blade. He is…the most honest man in the world.

He is his true self, in a way that only he could declare himself to be. He has conquered not only vice itself, but also the impulse to resist vice, and to yield to it completely. He is the two-act story arc. He is the broken system, dumb to input, endlessly self-replicating, isolated, happy. He is…the most honest man in the world.

Honesty, the heart of spergness, comes from many directions today, the destruction of a career and a family and the vaping of bathwater. And each one is a vice and a self-destructive indulgence like violence or promiscuity or explaining something to someone that they already know. Keep it on a leash or it will become you!

The best parts about life are the lies. The tricks, the cons, the gains, the sex, the traditions, the jokes, the friends, the family, the story we tell over and over and over. The slavery to the self to the system of memes that becomes the self, and then perpetuates.

I honestly don’t want to get out of bed today, but I’m going to.

I honestly don’t want to go to the gym today, but I’m going to.

I honestly don’t want to put any effort into relationships today–or ever, but I’m going to.

I honestly don’t want to live today, but I’m going to.

Fake it til you make it! They say, but you actually have to fake it. You can’t rely only on the reciprocal fakeness of others. Or else you have bullshit too much! And then you have become bullshit. Drink the bathwater!

Vito drinks Belle Delphine’s bathwater.



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“If I Killed My Show For You” by Vizzy G.



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e-Thumbnail of an orbiter by Sonic Phase.



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