A Ukip candidate recently asked the important question ‘ what happens when renewable energy runs out ?’ This is something science hasn’t considered, so what other curveballs could UKIP end up throwing at the scientific community?

The Grimsby Ukip candidate Victoria Ayling recently asked the following question at a public debate: what happens when renewable energy runs out? This resulted in much amusement and mockery, suggesting that Ayling isn’t familiar with the properties of renewable energy. Or a dictionary.

But is this fair? Has Ayling been prematurely ridiculed? After all, technically renewable energy can run out. Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only changed. This is apparently a fundamental law of the universe, so there’s only a finite amount of energy in the universe, so every energy source will be used up eventually (unless you factor in dark energy, but let’s avoid that for now as this is a piece inspired by Ukip and they don’t seem to like anything that’s “darker”). So Ayling was right to say our sources of renewable energy, like the sun and wind, will run out one day. It’ll be about 7 billion years from now, but it’ll still happen, and who’s to say Ukip won’t be in power at that point? That might be just enough time for them to figure out how to get through an election campaign without saying something ridiculous/offensive/archaic in public.

But scientists shouldn’t just dismiss questions from Ukip. Ukip has provided some potentially-ground-breaking scientific discoveries. So with this in mind, here are some predictions for further science questions from Ukip, to give scientists time to work up an acceptable response.

Where does the sun go when it’s night time?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Why should British people have to accept this cheap substitute? Photograph: Geoff Moore/REX

British people love a bit of sunshine, unless there’s too much of it. But sunshine is classically British. As is wind. And rain. And snow. And sleet. Basically, we deserve all weathers at all times, whenever we want them. But for several hours every day, the sun is just gone. What’s that about? Sometimes it’s gone for longer than others but it’s always gone for several hours. Good honest hard working British folk pay their taxes to keep the sun in the sky and yet it keeps wandering off.

This is no doubt due to greedy meddling Eurocrats taking a slice of the sunshine. It’s gotten so bad that the British have to cut corners with “daylight savings time”. Is this what Queen Victoria died for? The sun never set on the British Empire! But now we have to put up with long periods of darkness? We didn’t win two world wars for that! The sun keeps wandering off, and our scientists should work out how to fix it in place, or other countries could start using it for free! And that would be unacceptable.

How do we stop immigrants from using all our gravity?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest This will be what central Dunstable looks like if we don’t stop immigrants. Photograph: Allstar/Warner Bros/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

We all know that the UK is overrun with immigrants. We’re literally full. Seriously, in some parts of Britain you can’t even get out of your door because immigrants are piled up outside it, stacked up like wrongly-coloured snow. There are millions more immigrants coming for our jobs and women and to eat our pets probably. But Britain doesn’t have enough resources to sustain its own people, let alone all these intruders. So what happens when these immigrants finally use up the last of our gravity?

Putting such a dense mass of people in one place is sure to use up gravity, right? It stands to reason. So what are we going to do about this? Can these so-called renewable energies be used to increase the British gravity output? They’ll only do this with foreign labour if so, making the problem worse. Or do we have to start importing gravity, sending yet more British money overseas?

Scientists should find a solution soon, before the gravity is all gone and we float off, ending up in the freezing vacuum of deep space. Or even worse, France!

If global warming is real, why am I still cold?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest These melt just as fast as they’ve always done! Photograph: Image Source / Rex Features

So-called scientists keep going on about climate change and global warming like it’s a real thing. But if the planet is supposedly getting hotter, why is it still cold outside? I went outside just an hour ago and I head to wear a coat! And last week I had to use an umbrella because it was raining, and the rain was very cold! You’d think it would be nice and warm out if so-called global warming was real, but you should see my latest heating bill. I’m still having to boil water when I want a proper cup of tea or to thoroughly wash my hands when I accidentally touch the Polish person I’ve hired to install my bathroom (I wouldn’t normally allow one in the house but he’s cheap and I don’t see why I should have to pay more than I have to).

Some scientists will try to tell you “global” includes the rest of the world, showing what Euro-loving traitors they are, or that climate and weather aren’t the same thing, which is nonsense. British weather never changes, it’s always unpredictable. Sure there have been some nasty bouts in recent years, but we all know that’s because of gay marriage.

So if the planet is hotter, why is it still cold where I live? Scientists can’t answer that. It’s like that time a doctor kept telling me my leg was broken even though I could move my arm fine. Idiots! Speaking of which …

Why do medicines work on people who don’t deserve it?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Medicines don’t discriminate. But they should. Photograph: eye35 / Alamy/Alamy

Why is medicine so wasteful? Antibiotics work on anyone, whether they’ve contributed anything to the UK or not? Same goes for surgery or painkillers. It’s no wonder the NHS waiting times are so long when just anyone can go in and get a treatment that works. Of course they’ll keep coming back, so scientists should address this situation by refining treatments so they only work on the deserving. People who work for a living in the country where they were born, they should get working medicine, whereas those who contribute nothing and only sponge off us.

Obviously the hard working indigenous people must have different biology to the lesser sorts, otherwise treating people of different races and backgrounds as inferior would be a ridiculous way to behave. If I get into a bit of a scrape with some bloke because I don’t like his face, I shouldn’t have to wait for hours in A&E because some pneumonia ridden old biddy or sick foreign child “take priority”. If injuries are self-inflicted because the individual stupidly chooses to be poor/foreign/gay/overweight/someone who doesn’t comply with my prejudices, science should take this into account.

Dean Burnett often mines Ukip comments for “interesting” science perspectives and makes no apology for that. He’s on Twitter, @garwboy