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In a stunning revelation, the university[sic] of Georgia Depart- ment of Tractor Maintenance and Auditing has revealed t hat profes- sor Smar T. Pants has been teach- ing the football players in his class actual information. u[sic]GA administrators were shocked by the revelation that courses were teaching football players actual information. “It’s a disgrace to the good name of this football program with a University [sic] attached that a professor would actually be imparting knowledge on our foot- ball players,” said University [sic] President and amateur equestrian Dumb A Spbricks. “

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at’s not why people come he re.” Another senior administra- tor who declined to be named because he’s “just too wasted to function right now” said that the professor may soon be

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red from the university[sic] for competece. According to the course syl- labus some of the subjects taught knowledge imparted by the pro- fessor was the “addition of frac- tions”, “how gravity works” and “why setting alcohol on

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re hurts when it touches your skin. ” Despite the long-standing rule that classes, especially those taken by football players, should not at- tempt to impart useful knoledge on students, Professor Pants has blantently taught his students use- ful information. Professor Pants was hired to teach at the University[sic] after his predecessor Professor Justin Deiber, left the university to per- sue what was then his life ambi- tion to become a pastry chef.

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e course has had a terrible e

ﬀ

ect on the players who went through the course. “After taking the course, there was too much information in my brain,” said football player Tom- my Gunn. “I couldn’t remember which way to run down the

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eld, so I got kicked o

ﬀ

the team.” Other victims of the profes- sor’s sick obsession with education include half the current football team, and a majority of the the NCAA. As a result of the course, these poor souls, with their limit- ed brain capacity, cannot function in normal society as the knowl- edge they gained has pushed out other information such as the knowledge of how to feed yourself and breathing. “Ghghghghgghghghghghg as- gagshdgfhgsddhfgdshgfaghhdfd- fhgghdghg,” said once NCAA o

ﬃ

cial before collapsing from ass-

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xiation. As a result of the investigation, auditors are recommending that all u[sic]GA courses continue their long-standing tradition of failing to teach students.

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is, they say, is the safest course of action for the feeble minds that inhabit the campus. Other professors at the University[sic] are already adjust- ing to the news by further sim- plifying their curriculum. Intro to Architecture, for example, has taken lego-building o

ﬀ

of its cur- riculum as it is “too di

ﬃ

cult for our students,” according to the professor. Other measures taken have been to institute a maximi- mum quali

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cation requirement for all professors hired by the University[sic]. For instance, all professors who have received a de- gree hired than an Associates. For the purpose of this requirement, all degrees issued by u[sic]GA are considered Associates degrees.

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e u[sic]GA football team could lose several key players after the season in connection to a new academic program established in the o

ﬀ

season. Following the recent revelation that the average u[sic]GA student has an IQ lower than that of a canine dog, in July the English department was rebranded as Basic Literacy and coursework was scaled down in di

ﬃ

culty to better cater to students’ true ca- pabilities.

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e major has been popular among football players, many of whom are signed up for the required Children’s Literature course this semester. “

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ere’s… uh… 28? Yeah, I think 28 football players in that class,” said seventh-year Basic Lit- eracy major Rich Erthanu, who is taking Children’s Literature. “Can’t be sure though. I took Counting to 20 as an elective last year and barely passed.”

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e problem: the course has proven di

ﬃ

cult. According to the instructor, Professor[sic] Brenden Snap, nearly all of the football players are currently on pace to fail the class. “

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ey’ve had trouble from the beginning.

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e

󿬁

rst assignment was just to write a plot summary of

Green Eggs and Ham

, and they all handed something in, but… well, a ll of it was wrong. One of them wrote down what he had for breakfast. One just rewrote the book title but misspelled ‘eggs.’ It was amazing,” Snap said. Snap and Erthanu both con-

󿬁

rmed a rumor from earlier this season about a scu

ﬄ

e between two players in the class. According to Erthanu, one player—who had sought help out- side the classroom—was excited when he was able to successful ly read the

󿬁

rst page of

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

. Another player immediately called him a nerd, and a shouting match broke out.

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e Athletic Association (AA) has made e

ﬀ

orts to remedy the situation, but tutors have only had limited success. “I don’t get it.

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ey said they wanted me to teach the players, but I’m not old enough to be a teacher,” said a nine-year-old named Allie, who was hired as an AA tutor for her extensive k nowl- edge of third-grade literature. “I thought adults teach kids. How come I have to read to all of them? And how c ome they a ll keep ask- ing me what every word means?” Snap admitted that he will have to alter his planned curricu- lum to ensure that at least a few students pass the course. “Originally I was planning to have them read

Charlotte’s Web

for their

󿬁

nal project, but they’re clearly not ready, ” Snap sa id. “I’m planning to assign a coloring book instead.”