My Mother’s NBA

The Atlanta Hawks released their 2016–17 schedule using only emojis. I had my mom try to decipher it.

Illustration by Daniel Wilco

Continuing their dominance as the most amazing professional sports Twitter handle for the most mediocre professional sports team, the Atlanta Hawks announced their 2016–17 schedule on Twitter Thursday night by listing their opponents in emoji-form:

Channeling my inner Robert Langdon, I began to try and decipher the code, when I realized I had a ringer. My mother first got a smartphone three years ago, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she is responsible for 98 percent of all emoji usage on a day-to-day basis and is the reason the foreman at the emoji factory was able to give out Christmas bonuses this year for the first time in a decade.

However…

She is not the most up to date on sports. No matter, I thought, and set her loose. What follows is her interpretation of the real NBA teams that the Atlanta Hawks will be facing this upcoming season. It is bound to be an interesting year.

“That’s easy. The Boston Globes.”

“Capitals. The D.C. Capitals. That’s a real one, right?”

“Can you make it any bigger? I can’t even see it. I don’t know.”

“That’s got to be something like the Wyoming Waves. Something good like that. But Wyoming doesn’t have waves. Who would have waves? I have no idea. Wait! The Wilmington Waves.”

“Houston Space Shuttles.”

“Star Wars… what do you call those things? Lightsabers. The Houston Lightsabers.”

“Oh that’s the Bullseyes. It would have to be with a B, because that’s alliterative. Who shoots a bullseye? I’ve got nothing.”

“What is that, fire? The Flames. The Flames! Who’s on fire? What team won last year in football? What’s the big one? Is this basketball or football? Okay, who won in basketball last year? Who won the whole big country thing in basketball? Cleveland? Okay, so it’s the Cleveland Flames.”

“What in the hell? I don’t even know what that is. Is that a dollar? That’s the Bucks. The Brunswick Bucks.”

“Is that a bumble bee? That’s Georgia Tech. How’d they get in the pros?”

“Statue of Liberty. That’s got to be New York. That’s the New York Liberties. No. That’s the New York Ladies. I like that better. Because Lady Liberty.”

“It’s a blue bird. Who’s the blue bird of happiness? Who won again last year? The blue bird of happiness? Don’t you know the blue bird of happiness? Y’all are too young. I don’t think Toronto would work because they’re not in our country. I don’t know.”

“What is that, a race car? The Indianapolis Racers. And I’m pretty close on that one, aren’t I?”

“The trumpets! Wait. Is that a trumpet or a sax? Why did you stop playing the sax? You were so good in jazz band. Oh! That’s Jazz. The New Orleans Jazz.”

“That’s the San Francisco Bay Bridges.”

“The Suns. The Denver Suns. Is that right?”

“The Cars. Wait. That is not my answer. The Red Cars.”

“The Toronto Maple Leafs. Is that right? They’re not the basketball team are they? Stop laughing. Are you making fun of me?”

“The Clouds. The Storms. Wait a minute. The Lightning. The Lynchburg Lightning. I like alliteration. Every team should match. The Braves. They should have been the Boston Braves. Not the Atlanta Braves. Now they’re the Cobb Braves. What kind of sense does that make?”

“The Top Hats. The Tennessee Top Hats.”

“The Wolves. Oh! The Timberwolves! I knew that. Do they all have a city? Do they all have a city in front of their name? You don’t need every one to be from somewhere. That’s boring.”

“The Pickaxes. That doesn’t make any sense to me. What would you mine? The Gold. The Gold Diggers. Nuggets! The Houston Nuggets!”

“The Cog Wheel. The Chicago Cog Wheels. The Chicog Wheels!”

“The Horses. Colts. The Denver Colts. No. That’s a great football team. Wait a minute. That’s a problem. So for basketball… maybe that would be the Godfathers. Like the chopped head. No. I think it’s the Ponies. The Pittsburgh Ponies. I really do like alliteration.”

“The Spiderwebs. What would be a spiderweb? Oh! OH! The Charlotte Webs! They’re going to say your mother is on drugs.”

“The Shamrocks. Those are lucky. Dublin. No, Savannah. The Savannah Shamrocks, because that’s where you have the biggest St. Patty’s day party.”

“The Clippers! I know that one. Cause I heard y’all. But it’s not alliterative, so I hate to say it. I think it’s like the Phoenix Clippers.”

“The Baby Feet. What are those? Those look like baby feet on, “Congratulations, you had a baby” cards. So that would be infants. The Indiana Infants.”

“The Bears. Those are the Boston Bears. Did I mention I love alliteration?”