It has been so easy to hate James Maloney all of these years. So the sudden realisation – nay, epiphany – that I actually deeply love him came as a shock.

But I love James Maloney. He is one of my favourite players in the NRL ever.

I love the way he plays. I love his line breaking, line break and try assisting, and his blatant cheating. I even love his half-arsed defence. I love that he’s still a trouble-making, obnoxious teenager at the age of 31.

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The only thing that stopped me realising I loved Jimmy was that he didn’t play for my side. I mistook my extreme jealousy for loathing.

Why would I be jealous, I hear you ask? In the past five seasons, no player has been worse in defence – the boy from Orange has personally missed 465 tackles in 124 games at an average of 3.8 a game. That’s as bad as Chris Sandow ever managed.

Further, he has conceded more penalties than any other player, being pinged 130 times at an average of 1.1 a game. Serial cheat Michael Ennis only managed an average of 0.89 a game.

How on Earth can I possibly love a player with such diabolical statistics?

To quote the classics (Homer Simpson), “He gets results, you stupid chief!”

Since the beginning of 2013, when Maloney joined the Roosters, he has an NRL winning percentage of 68.5 per cent. He has won 85 of the 124 games he has played, which included two premierships with two different clubs.



In the same time frame, Johnathan Thurston has won 66 of the 102 NRL games he has played for a winning percentage of 64.7 per cent. Cam Smith has won 86 of his 120 NRL games since the start of season 2013 for 71.66 per cent.

Like McGarnicle, Maloney certainly does get results. However, he doesn’t get the kudos the other two do.

Maybe it’s because it is so easy to dislike him and to write him off as a just annoying.

Ennis said that Maloney spent all six years of high school in detention and it is all too easy to believe. He certainly has that look of a troublemaker who takes joy in mucking up.

While at the Roosters, the pre-recorded dancing-celebration-videos they showed of him on the big screen after he scored – which happened a lot – were obnoxiousness in its purest form, especially when it was your team he was scoring on. He danced with a smile and motion that said not only had he beaten you, he’d also eaten your steak, drank your beer and had your car towed.

Watching him continually and deliberately infringe to stop opponents scoring is enough to drive even the mildest fan rabid with anger, especially since he never gets sin-binned when it is so obvious he is doing it on purpose. He is as seethrough as Jimbo Jones making moves on Laura Powers: “Hey baby, my shirt’s chafing me. Mind if I take it off?”

When Gavin Badger finally sent him to the bin during the 2017 qualifying final, it truly shocked me.

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However, in reality, he is really likeable. In the tunnel before the Raiders-Sharks 2016 final, referee Matt Cecchin – who was waiting to do the coin toss – asked a passing Maloney if he was the captain.

“You’ve got to be joking!” Maloney replied, taking off as fast as he could, lest someone press that responsibility upon him.

After the match, he was left in charge of his toddler daughter and put her down while doing an interview. In true Maloney style, she shot off to the far side of Canberra Stadium for Jimmy to desperately chase at the conclusion of the interview. Their subsequent, joyous cuddles together were lovely to watch.

You don’t want to admit it, but he’s cool. He’s like a Harrison Ford anti-hero wrapped up in a central-west, bogan package. You want him to hang out with you. To be your mate. You want to prank the prop forward with Jimmy by putting Dencorub in the big unit’s jocks pre-game – and then giggle with him around the corner like a school kid.

You’d stop talking to your own five-eighth in order to get his attention, like a lovesick teenager.

“Hi Jimmy. Watcha doin? Great game last week. You’re looking great. I don’t got any plans if you wanna hang out later…

“Who? Him? No one. He’s just a friend…

“You’re the best Jimmy. Call me?!”



But what of his dreadful defence, I hear you say. How could a statistician like myself possibly love a speedbump like Maloney? Averaging almost four missed tackles a game would see most players dropped.

It is because his misses don’t lose games. Not when you’ve got Paul Gallen or Wade Graham or Boyd Cordner or Aiden Guerra next to you. And no one hires Jimmy Maloney to tackle. Any decent coach wants him to save his energy for attacking.

And he attacks good. Real good.

He was Jimmy on the spot for Sonny Bill Williams’ magical offload in the 2013 grand final and cut the Sea Eagles defence to pieces. He’s done that sort of thing countless times because his attacking instincts are razor sharp and deadly.

Just look at these stats for the last five seasons:

34 tries

61 line breaks

63 line break assists

88 try assists

213 tackle breaks

Two premierships

The only one of those stats that he’s not in the top three for – out of all the other halves – is tackle breaks, where he comes in sixth.



And that winning percentage again: 68.5 per cent.

So why is it that he is now at his fifth club if he is clearly so influential? It is my theory that no one truly believes that the loveable rogue could be more than a minor player in all the success he has been a part of.

However, Maloney was the key ingredient in both the Roosters and Sharks’ successes. And now he’s going to take Penrith for the ride of their lives.

Like Danny Zuko in Grease, he looks like a no-good bum, but in reality he’s automatic, systematic and hyyyyyyydromatic.

Penrith fans should stop bemoaning the departures of Matt Moylan and Bryce Cartwright, and start rejoicing that Jimmy Maloney has come to their team.

Lord knows I’d be joyous if he’d come to mine.

I love you, Jimmy.