Parents Plan to Have S-E-X as Soon as Adult Son Leaves for B-A-N-D P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E

DAVIS, Calif. — Sue and Phil Atherton were caught exchanging furtive glances last night in anticipation of the coitus scheduled for while their son is away at band practice, according to nosey neighbors.

“We look forward to our alone time all week,” said Sue Atherton, an administrative assistant and mother of two adult sons. “I find it irresponsible to give Phil a B-L-O-W-J-O-B while one of our kids is home. And Luke, our youngest, is always playing bass in the house — slap bass. The Chili Peppers’ version of ‘Higher Ground’ can really take anyone out of the mood, no matter how bad they want to give or receive O-R-A-L.”

Luke Atherton, who recently dropped out of Cosumnes River College, is the bassist of Fleabag, a local funk-punk five-piece. Atherton reportedly has no intention of moving out anytime soon, forcing his parents to continue to hide their physical urges.

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“They think they’re being all sly, like I don’t know what they’re up to,” said Luke Atherton. “I’m 26 years old — I know how to spell most words at this point. Having them spell out all the gross things they want to do to each other makes it way worse. I have a feeling they’re into some weird shit, but as long as they don’t do it in my room, I’m cool with it.”

The couple recently celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary, and admitted privately that they, like many older couples, are looking for ways to “spice up” their love life.

“If I’m being honest, it really isn’t the worst thing in the world,” said Phil Atherton, a professor of Microbiology at UC-Davis and avid craft beer enthusiast. “It’s like we’re in college again, you know? Sneaking around makes things more exciting. That being said, I would love him to get a job and his own place so the wife and I might be able to try a little A-N-A-L, if you catch my drift.”

As of press time, Mr. Atherton was struggling to spell ‘cunnilingus’ in front of his son’s friends while they tried to watch Monday Night Raw.

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Article by Sam Rose @samcoryrose.