An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold.

October 13th, 1812

QUEENSTON – With the Yankee foes vanquished from the battlefield of Queenston, our mortally wounded hero, Major General Sir Isaac Brock, uttered his final words.

Clutching one of the men of the 49th Foot, the general – who had captured Fort Detroit, negotiated an alliance with the Mohawks, and oversaw the defence of Canada from an American invasion – tried to inspire his men by proclaiming that one day their descendants may attend the local university in the event that they’re not accepted elsewhere.

“Push on, brave volunteers,” a wounded Brock said before collapsing. “And make the school’s mascot some type of…aggressive…carnivorous…ferret.”

Major General Roger Hale Sheaffe, who gallantly repulsed the Yankee invaders with an organized counterattack, vowed he would persevere in order to ensure young minds would always have at least one fallback option for post-secondary education.

“Whilst Major General Brock’s own counterattack was ultimately unsuccessful, I will not rest until we regain the Heights and also have some place to send our third-rate students after high school with okay sport management and accounting programs,” said Scheaffe.

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