One year ago, I burnt my entire life to the ground and started off on a new chapter of my life. I left behind a life that had become dangerous and toxic to my well-being and put my faith in the Dota 2 community to help me rebuild. It has been the most difficult year of my adult life but also extremely rewarding. I owe a lot to the organizations that had faith in me and took a chance on someone new. I’m also incredibly thankful to all the talent that were kind to me and welcomed me into the scene.

From my first DreamLeague. I love these guys.

The amount of death threats I received at the start of my career were enough to scare most people away but, with nothing left to lose, I continued onward. When rumors spread that I was only getting chosen because I was female and a minority, I was hurt, but tried to prove them wrong. When I got an entire thread on Reddit telling me everything I was doing wrong and what people hated about me, I read the entire thread and tried to learn from constructive criticism I received. A year later, I’m still here and as long as I can afford to stay, I’m not going anywhere.

While I consider this year a definite success, it has also been a struggle. I’ve had a lot of challenges, mostly in my personal life, that I have needed to overcome in order to be successful and establish myself in the scene. I know many of my fans were disappointed to not see me at TI this year — however I always knew that would be an extreme long shot. My personal goal was to be invited to the Beyond the Summit Qualifier hub and I was happy to have made it! I absolutely love hubs — getting to hang out with other Dota 2 fans in person while also being able to cast and learn in a chill environment is amazing.

Love these goobers.

This year also allowed me to travel all over the world. I grew up in a lower middle class family and the idea of going overseas was one of those things I figured I would only be able to do once or twice in my life. Since joining esports, I was able to to visit Sweden, Croatia, Germany, and Malaysia, something I would have never believed possible! It’s been incredible and I’ve had the chance to meet the most amazing people all over the world and experience their cultures. The chance to meet my fans outside of the US has been an absolute treat and I’m so grateful for every interaction. Signing autographs at the Dream League Major was surreal and the feedback I got from my fans helped keep me going.

Lizzy and my first DPC event together! Stockholm Dream League Major!

Our first DPC Grand Final in Split, Croatia for the OGA DotaPit Minor!

Now for some personal stuff. I don’t usually like to share too much of my non-caster life but these things affected my career this year and I feel that it’s important to share. While my decisions were ultimately the correct choice and I’m much happier now, it was a rough road to get to this point.

One of the downsides to one of my personal life choices was having to move out of my house I co-owned. Since I was unsure of what I would be making as a caster, I couldn’t afford to be picky. In hindsight, I chose the WORST time of the year to move out (Christmas time). The apartment I found was the most affordable I could find in the dead of winter and it cost almost as much as my monthly mortgage. I hated it. The floors were thin and I could hear every sound from the apartment below me no matter how many rugs, white noise, and earplugs I used. My downstairs neighbors also loved smoking weed despite the building being advertised as a non-smoking dwelling and my apartment reeked. The safety of the area was also a problem — I was followed on several of my morning excursions to the park until I was too terrified to return. I would cry on my flights back from events because I hated going home.

Due to the thinness of the floors, I couldn’t cast my usual hours. While my downstairs neighbors often would blast their music shaking my entire apartment, I didn’t feel comfortable being the noisy neighbor. I’m grateful to the few groups that did hire me to do “bedroom casts” that were able to accommodate my schedule so I was still able to do limited coverage.

Fast forward to nine months later, and I’ve moved to a wonderful new place. The area I live in now is much safer and my neighbors are very friendly. My home no longer smells like second hand smoke and I can no longer hear my neighbors music at 2am in the morning. My new setup makes it so I feel more comfortable casting and streaming on a regular basis so expect to see more of me when I’m home! I hope that my perseverance can inspire others — even when life feels absolutely awful and you don’t even have a place you feel safe in, don’t give up. Your circumstances will change and you’ll be glad you stuck it out. ❤

Despite this, the most difficult sacrifice in my personal life was giving up my kitties. I had already set up homes for two of my babies when I was forced to move but I was hoping to keep Penny, my kitty most bonded to me. She would sit on my lap while I streamed, snuggle into the crook of my arm at night and sleep, and always greet me whenever I came home meowing as if to ask “Where have you been, mama?” The move was difficult. She was used to a whole house at her disposal and now only had a bedroom and a living room. There were dogs in my building since it was pet friendly and she was extremely nervous every time she heard a bark from another apartment. I did everything I could to make her comfortable — I installed pheromone diffusers, sprayed her favorite blankets with pheromones, gave her plenty of toys and snuggles, made her places to hide and feel cozy in…in the end, it wasn’t enough. Every time I went away for an event, she was supremely stressed out from having to be boarded. Eventually she began licking off her fur and causing big patches of her skin to weep because of irritation. When I took her to the vet, he gently told me that most cats just don’t do well with an owner who travels as often as I do. The best thing for her would be to rehome her with someone who didn’t change routines often. After hours of crying (and I’m still crying as I write this), I rehomed her. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.

I miss this little face every day.

Personal stuff aside, the life of a “full time” caster is much more difficult than I realized. When you’re casting qualifiers from home, you dream of attending your first LAN. Once you’ve achieved that, you dream of the day you can quit your job and subside on LAN events only. Except it’s a bit more complicated than that. When you’re at the level I’m at currently, you’re not guaranteed LAN jobs every month but there’s a high probability you’ll get work. With this probability, you cannot work another job. Not even a part-time job because no boss in their sane mind will hire someone who will potentially be missing a week of work each month. So all your eggs are in the Dota 2 basket, so to speak. It’s nerve wracking and you spend a lot of time being anxious. That being said, I’m exceptionally grateful to subs and donators on my stream! Their support creates a buffer when things are tight financially and allows me to stress less knowing I have something to fall back on to help tide me over until my next event! ❤

When I am fortunate enough to get picked for an event, my pay is inevitably used up quickly on monthly bills and expenses. Sometimes I’m lucky and I have a little to tuck away for when I have an emergency. If I’m unlucky and have an issue arise, it causes a lot of stress as I try to decide “Do I really need to address this?” in order to save money. Case in point: I ended up having a dental issue back in January and tried to put it off because I don’t have dental insurance. Dentist appointments cost A LOT of money and I was hoping some home remedies would be enough. I tried to avoid going in for as long as possible but eventually suspected I had an infected abscess which can become deadly if not treated. While I was lucky enough to have an understanding dentist who worked out a payment plan, the bills still HURT. I was relying on future jobs to ensure I could finish paying off my debt and that’s adding fire to an already stressful situation. Casting is a high risk, high reward kind of life. Some of my colleagues are lucky — they have a significant other or roommates to help alleviate the pressure of their bills. Some of them even have health insurance thanks to their marriages. But for aspiring new casters, my scenario is most likely the reality you’ll face when you first arrive. Be prepared and be smart with your money — and if you can find understanding roommates, do it! It’s not easy to find someone you trust and who will be alright with you casting while they’re trying to sleep/study/etc! All of my close friends who I trust are married and have kids — I wasn’t about to Uncle Joey them (props if you get this reference).

So what’s next for me? As I’ve said before, I’m here to stay — so long as I can afford to pay my bills. I love being a part of the Dota 2 community and scene. It’s easily one of the most passionate and hyper communities I’ve ever had the pleasure of being a part of and I want to continue to share my excitement with everyone when I cast!

I’m SO incredibly grateful to all the fans who support me and for the others in the community that might not like me, but are willing to keep giving me chances. Nothing makes me happier than when I get messages from people that are “I didn’t like you when you first started but you’ve improved a lot and I’m a fan now”. I’ll continue to listen to advice and keep improving.. after all, as a famous queen once said, if you want to be invited to the party, you better have something to bring ;)

xoxo,

Moxxi