Neuralink Scientist Links Brain Directly to Taco Bell Mobile App

(SAN FRANCISCO, CA) In what is widely considered internally to be the company’s biggest breakthrough yet, Neuralink scientist Clifford Johnson recently discovered how to link his brain directly to the Taco Bell mobile app, unlocking benefits unheard of just a few years earlier. While the project wasn’t part of Neuralink’s official charter, it was created under the organization’s much-cherished “30% time” benefit, meaning for all employees above the associate level, 15 hours a week can be used for personal projects and interests that may someday benefit the company, no matter what the subject.

“There’s a quote on the wall behind the reception desk when you walk into the [Neuralink] office that says, ‘Symbiosis with Artificial Intelligence,’ to remind us why we’re here. That’s deep, right?” Johnson continued, “[Billionaire] Elon [Musk] says that really means we can save the world if we figure out how to link our brains to computers and control them, before they do it to us.”

Johnson, who received his PhD in biomedical engineering from the University of California Davis continued, “When [company recruiters] contacted me, they talked about the great benefits the company offers, including Tesla stock options, massage Fridays, and personal project time. I figured the stock options are worth crap right now, so I might as well do something to benefit myself. That’s how the [Taco Bell] project started.”

Like many post-graduate students, Blake’s life before Neuralink was consumed with research, video games, and thoughts of temporary companionship. Also the much-revered Taco Bell Happier Hour® where you can score some great deals on Freezes® and food from 2 to 5 pm daily.

One day Johnson was craving a 7-Layer Burrito® at work. Taking his phone out to order and have it delivered along with a Crunchwrap Supreme® and a Mountain Dew Freeze®, the idea hit him. “I slapped our proprietary module on the top of my head – the one that wirelessly sends and receives information from thin flexible electrode threads embedded in the brain. I did some quick coding on the back end of the app, and I was pretty much good to go.”

The last few weeks have been crazy at Neuralink. Johnson has become somewhat of a hero by literally thinking about an item on the menu, and having it show up. “People visit me from all over the building. They say they want to see how it works, but I think they also want to try the new Toasted Cheddar Chalupa® or maybe split a Nachos BellGrande® with their cubicle mate.”

The breakthrough hasn’t been without its challenges though. “Elon was here and thought it was a pretty cool idea. He asked me to conjure up a couple of Doritos® Locos Tacos and a Quesarito® for him which I was glad to do. But of course I wanted to show off, so I activated my newest update – I blinked to activate Apple Pay for the order. That’s when he discovered I’ve been paying for all this on a company credit card which I guess isn’t cool.” Other challenges include several colleagues complaining their clothes are fitting tighter, an uptick of PTO and sick leave requests, and company insurance costs ticking up slightly.

At press time, Johnson was working on a way to use his brain link to set up twice-weekly auto-deliveries of cases of Tums®, extra bottles of Imodium™ along with more of those jumbo roles of toilet paper.