Gordon Brown is no doubt feeling an ache of despair this morning as he faces a three/seven/10 gajillion- [choose as appropriate to political affiliation of your newspaper] point deficit in the polls, but as seasoned watchers of beleaguered famous people know, misfortune comes to celebrities in pairs. Mother Teresa dies – Princess Diana dies. Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes break up – Sandra Bullock and her porn-loving husband split up.

Some put this synchronicity down to the whims of an unfathomable cosmic universe. The cynical will say that famous people are always having troubles because the same personality flaw that made them desire fame will also cause them to self-destruct – and this truth is as applicable to egomaniacal golfers as it is to our Macbethian prime minister. The point is that Gordon most certainly has a partner in pain: Christianity.

Yes, after two millennia of a pretty much undisputed reign at the top of the pops, Christianity has been having a bad run of late, particularly over the last weekend – which is kinda spooky seeing as the weekend commemorated what was another tumultuous time in Christianity's lifespan. It's like when Jade Goody's mother was caught in a tabloid sting allegedly taking drugs on the anniversary of her daughter's death, isn't it? O Henry never crafted such bitter irony.

But back to Christianity, which its supporters, detractors and agnostic observers all agree currently has something of an image problem. Paedophilia, homophobic B&B owners – no wonder it is now hiding in a celebrity safehouse (AKA the Priory).

"But I'm doing nothing worse than any other religion!" bleats Christianity.

That may be true, Christianity, but you're not helping yourself, and nor are any of your spokesmen – such as one of the pope's cardinals describing the paedophilia allegations in the Catholic church as "petty gossip". And on the very same day, the Archbishop of Canterbury made a simply darling claim that there is a "sustained effort to discriminate against [Christians in this country]" – suggesting that Dr Rowan is something of a fan of John Gaunt's radio talkshow, on which one is treated to diatribes from listeners about how no one is more discriminated against in this country than white men.

New era, new crack team of image re-branders, Christianity. And so, after a heavy weekend of brainstorming, Max Clifford, Charles Saatchi, Nathan Barley and my own humble self are proud to present . . . Christianity: the comeback plan.

1 Ally itself with Apple

Seeing – as I found out this weekend – that one can follow Paris's Shoah Memorial on Twitter ("Watching Schindler's List. Liam Neeson = hotness!!!!"), it seems unfathomable that Christianity doesn't have an iPhone app. But that's not enough. Apple is, without doubt, the new religion, as proven by the fact that the same weekend Christianity was getting ragged on, the entire world was kneeling before the new god: the $400 Etch-a-Sketch, AKA the iPad.

I was in New York City when the new Apple temple opened on the Upper West Side last year, and to see the giant Apple logo glowing down upon a dark and wintry Broadway was to know how Christian pilgrims must feel upon seeing the giant statue of Jesus presiding over Rio de Janeiro. Christianity needs to sell up to Apple while it still has stock to sell. Then it can be fronted by the Vicar of Apple, Stephen Fry, and then it will definitely be on Twitter.

2 Check into a sex-addiction clinic

Classic shamed celebrity strategy and, in the specific case of the Catholic church, a not entirely ridiculous one.

3 Embark on a tour of the national media to tell everyone that Christianity is now going into hiding

"I want to be much more private," troubled model Sophie Anderton recently announced via the very private medium of GMTV. Similarly, Katie Price appeared on This Morning to announce her own imminent self-isolation, but not before informing the nation that she's not trying to get pregnant at the moment because "I'm on my period". Christianity needs to take note. To this effect, Max Clifford has planned an extensive UK tour to announce its retirement from the public sphere, taking in GMTV, Lorraine Kelly, The Jeremy Kyle Show, The Wright Stuff, London Today, Reveal, OK!, Grazia, Now, Take a Break, Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing on Ice and Big Brother's Little Brother.

4 Hold press conferences at major group events to prove one's humility, thereby ensuring that all attention is taken away from the other, competing religions

Note to fellow rebranders: watch last Monday's Tiger conference. Book that room. Take note of Tiger's pitch-perfect tone of humility, but perhaps don't copy his headwear, as wearing a cap with one's own initials interwoven in such a way that they resemble a diagram about how to check for chlamydia jarred with his claims that he is no longer the egotistical sex addict of yore.

5 Marry Jennifer Aniston or Cheryl Cole

If Christianity marrying either of these young ladies puts an end to stories claiming they are going out with their co-star/producer/a suspiciously camp-looking dancer, or just keeps Gerard Butler's face out of the papers for one blessed day, I'll convert.