We love positive feedback. We love hearing about all the great things we are doing and being encouraged to continue with the same behaviors. Positive reinforcement is excellent but boy can it be misleading.

What we should love to hear is honest, constructive, and direct feedback on our performance, attitude, and behaviors. Hearing the truth is much better than being told what you want to hear.

In the spring of 2002 I sat in the office of long time Virginia Tech defensive coordinator Bud Foster. Coach Foster was my inside linebacker coach and he was about to deliver the news that I was not good enough to break into the top 4 or 5 spots at his position group on the Lunch Pail Defense. He delivered the news with little emotion, provided examples of the gaps that existed in my play, and didn’t confuse me with a bunch of compliments to fill any awkward silence.

Coach Foster did tell me that if I gained 60 pounds I would be a pretty good defensive tackle, praised my leadership abilities, and shouldered me with the responsibility of helping to get our talented defensive end Jim Davis to elevate his level of play this season. I left the meeting with the understanding that I was no longer competing for a linebacker spot but I was now fighting to play special teams and making sure Jim Davis gets to his meetings on time. This was not feedback I wanted to hear. This news crushed my ego and derailed the dreams I had of being a full time starter for the Hokies. As painful as this was to hear, I am very thankful that I was not misled. I am a huge proponent of knowing where you stand and what your role is.

Bud Foster is a legendary coaching veteran with dynamic leadership abilities. I had the pleasure of learning from not only this specific interaction but many others as a player and graduate assistant football coach under his guidance. I learned early on that direct, honest, and constructive feedback is much more helpful and beneficial than sparing someone’s ego or feelings. There are many factors to consider when having the actual conversation and delivering the feedback. Not all conversations are created equal.

These are lessons that I carried with me when I entered into both the coaching profession and private sector. I have always believed that people are your greatest asset and they deserve thorough and honest evaluations. On many occasions I have had to deliver bad news to my players, employees, colleagues, or boss. I have never dodged or delayed those conversations because I believed I owed it to them. I would never want to be the reason someone was confused or unaware of where they stand within the team, organization, or your personal relationship.

We all know people who only ask for feedback from friends they know will agree with them or tell them what they want to hear. We have all painfully watched the American Idol auditions and cringed when the cameras cut to the parents of the most recent victim of Simon Cowell’s criticism. We heard the same “Stevie Wonder with a bad cold” performance during the audition but the parents clearly have refused to give their child honest and constructive feedback throughout their singing career.

Many of us have been on teams where the leadership avoided the difficult conversation for so long with specific players or employees that the team failed miserably. Or we have been confronted about an issue with our current performance only to have the leader completely unprepared to provide examples of the gaps they are referring to.

If you want to improve your ability to have the difficult conversations and provide much needed evaluations or feedback to those closest to you in life. These are a few things to consider as you lead your family, team, or organization.

Immediate conversation:

The earlier you can have the conversation the better for all parties involved. If you are able to engage after the first time the issue occurs you will have a chance to stop it prior to it becoming a bigger problem. If you have an employee that showed up to work late one day. Do not wait a week to confront them about it and ask for a reason why. If you can speak to that employee immediately you will have a chance to demonstrate that you have a watchful eye on the operation and that tardiness has an impact on the business. If you fail to address it immediately, there is a good chance it will happen again.

Be prepared:

Take the time to prepare for these difficult conversations. Do not shoot from the hip when providing critical feedback or evaluations. These interactions can be critical for the growth of some of your closest friends, employees, or colleagues. If you are planning to fire or demote someone, take the time to gather all the necessary information regarding their performance. You should have notes, dates, and specific examples prepared to deliver. Many of us become defensive when receiving negative feedback or bad news. Our initial reaction is to lash out and turn the conversation around on the one giving the evaluation. Have bullet points of specific examples prepared and a brief rehearsal of how you plan to deliver the information or counter any disagreement is a good idea as well.

Be Direct:

People appreciate the truth and would like to know how they are viewed. Do not sugar coat the issue by minimizing the impact it can have on the relationship, company, client, or teammates. You are doing more harm than good when you fail to deliver truthful and direct feedback for the fear of not being liked. It is important to avoid the “sandwich” technique. Do not sandwich negative feedback between two positive comments. The feedback will lose its effectiveness and the person will leave the conversation unclear on where they stand. You should avoid using any profanity or offensive language as well. You do not want the language to overshadow the evaluation you were attempting to deliver.

Remove Emotion:

Some of the most difficult conversations will need to take place with the people closest to us. If you build quality relationships then there are usually strong emotions involved. If the feedback is going to be productive, we must remove the emotion. Having uncontrolled anger will likely lead to an unproductive argument. You must be under control to think properly and articulate the feedback effectively. You should avoid using humor in these conversations as well. Humor typically lightens the room and softens the blow but a smile and laugh can often leave the person unclear of where they stand just like the “sandwich” technique.

Document Everything:

When you are in a leadership role it is important to keep very detailed notes and documentation of all issues involving your team. Keep track of tardiness, client complaints, performance evaluations, and any peer surveys your company may use. In the larger companies you will usually receive some training from the human resources department on how to handle many of the common personnel issues. You can never be too careful. I recommend documenting everything and having a third person involved in the majority of the closed door interactions if possible. Having proper documentation will give you the necessary information to have the tough conversation but it will also make you feel confident that you did everything within your power to help this person be successful.

If you are new to leadership or have identified the inability to have difficult conversations in your personal life. This is a skill you can improve. This is not a personality or gender shortcoming. You should make those around you aware that it is a skill you are trying to improve. Have your colleagues, spouse, employees, or friends give you feedback when you use the “sandwich” technique instead of being direct. Hire a coach, mentor, or therapist to provide the necessary training or insight. You can improve through specific scenario role plays.

Here are a few podcasts that can be really helpful on this topic:

https://www.entreleadership.com/podcasts/226-jocko-willinkthe-discipline-advan

http://learningleader.com/episode-223-kim-malone-scott-using-radical-candor-great-boss/

I believe if we all improve our ability to provide honest, direct, and constructive feedback it could dispense a much needed jolt to our relationships. We could drastically improve the employee attrition rates that plague many businesses across the globe and we could save a percentage of failed marriages that were victims of blurred communication. People become frustrated and disenchanted when they do not know where they stand. The people in your life are your greatest asset, give them the opportunity to grow from the hard to hear feedback.

If you are looking for life changing help, an accountability partner for life, and a customized plan for attacking some of life’s greatest challenges; please reach out to me at www.thecanterzone.com, canter37@gmail.com, or my cell phone 757-739-1896