In the Daily Mail Chelsea and Manchester City are being "offered the chance to sign Zlatan Ibrahimovic", in much the same way the Mill was this week "offered the chance" to buy a sliver of an as yet unbuilt Andalucian golf-carpark resort via an exclusively mailshot glossy mag idiot-lure. Pini Zahavi is touting football's equivalent of Susan Boyle around for slightly more than £40m. City are most likely to fall for it. "Ibrahimovic has been instrumental in securing victories, even in the last few games. To say so lightly that this player does not work, that he is not worth it, is to have a short memory," Johann Cruyff sales-pattered yesterday, painting the languid Swede's tyres black and infusing him with the welcoming aroma of baking bread.

Didier Drogba has invited Fernando Torres to sign for Chelsea in a sensational £70m deal, albeit in a slightly insulting way. "Of course I would welcome Torres. If there is a chance for him to come here, he will be welcome, because any help is welcome!" he added, leaving £28.50 on top of the fridge and asking if he can stay a bit longer to do some ironing.

Occasionally irresistible Tottenham goal-moocher Roman Pavlyuchenko and the often overlooked Yossi Benayoun could be about to move in a swap deal. Lokomotiv Moscow are also interested in Pavlyuchenko. "The situation has changed," ejaculated spunky Lokomotiv head coach Yuri Semin. "I'm afraid it will be difficult to get Pavlyuchenko."

Leeds have finally given up on keeping Jermaine Beckford, who won't be anywhere near as good somewhere else but will definitely make more money in return for playing only 10 times a season and being passed about the Premier League's lower-mid tier every other transfer window a bit like Jason Roberts. "He has an unusual agent and it's not easy to have discussions with him," Ken Bates says.

In the Daily Mirror Everton are planning "a stunning swoop" for strangely likeable goal-munchkin Craig Bellamy. Manchester United and Arsenal are "on red alert" in the hope that this will prove attractive to Mikel Arteta, whose contract talks are floundering. And flimsy utility poseur Michael Mancienne, who has essentially never really played for Chelsea and gets constantly farmed out on loan to lesser clubs where he only looks so-so, has detected that "it might be time to leave Chelsea".

In the Sun Alex McLeish is going to buy scuttling Lanco-Franco winger Charles N'Zogbia. McLeish is also after Venusian left-back Paul Konchesky and flailing youth Ben Foster. Joe Hart is already on his way back to Manchester City. "It's sad. My orders were that I went back," he said, removing his spiked metal helmet, hurling his Luger into the River Volga and beginning the long march back through the parched Russian wheat fields.

Stoke plan to make a £5m bid for West Ham's Mark Noble and also "boot out at least nine players this summer". "I want a leaner squad next year," Tony Pulis said, grabbing a handful of James Beattie's muffin top.

Portsmouth want Gus Poyet to be their new manager if Avram Grant takes over at West Ham. And Aruna Dindane may yet escape from the twin half-nelsons of Blackburn and Wolves and make a dash for Panathinaikos. "My agent informed me about Panathinaikos – I'm really interested," he said, making an interested face.

Arsène Wenger wants to "add one player, and add more defensive strength to our team", a slightly gratuitous use of the word "more".

Portly fair dinkum Aussie goalhangeroo Robbie Fowler says it's time for Rafael Benítez to go. "It's a big club and no one is bigger than the club," Fowler said much too loudly while consuming charred meat. "I want Liverpool to do well and whether Rafa's there or someone else, I don't mind."

Also, "fans of Manchester United were last night trying to work out which ex-star burned his TACKLE with hair removal cream – and were pointing the finger at CRISTIANO RONALDO." Brian McClair, of all people, has been going on about this in his United magazine column. The Mill thinks it's a toss up between Denis Irwin and Steve Bruce.

On Goal.com Inter striker Mario Balotelli will not be joining Manchester City in the summer, according to his agent. "This possibility does not exist," shiny-suited Latino Mr 10% Mino Raiola told popular ice cream flavour Tuttomercatoweb.

Plus there's the EXCLUSIVE news that Valencia midfielder Ever Banega wants to sign for Liverpool. The Argentinian midfielder, who appears to be a bit of a nutcase, is 21 and would cost £8.5m. There's something about "a fairly embarrassing 'video scandal'" too, but the Mill is too prudish to Google it. By all means go ahead.