One of the hardest things I’ve had to face since being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – right up there with all of the pain, fatigue and brain fog – is feeling like a failure.

Before I was ill, I had one goal and one goal alone. I was going to be a journalist, and nothing was going to stop me. I was your typical Type A; working hard to become a success was a major priority, second only to family. I was doing okay, too. I’d got my undergraduate degree, done an internship at BBC Television and was studying for a master’s degree in communication.

But, like so many people with CFS and other chronic illnesses, so much was taken away from me once I became ill. I had to drop out of university, move back in with my parents, and, suddenly, I couldn’t even write a sentence let alone an article. There was pain, nausea and plenty of other symptoms, but the biggest blow was the fact that my dream had disintegrated right in front of my eyes. I saw myself as having gone from a promising young journalist to a complete failure in a matter of weeks.

Eight years later, I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure. Just to lay it out there, I’m thirty-one, I live in my parents’ spare room, I’m still ill, and I’m perpetually broke. On top of that, I see my peers (friends, former colleagues etc.) excelling and achieving amazing things. It’s difficult not to compare myself to them. I’m pleased for them, of course, but their success always makes me wonder what experiences and achievements I’ve missed out on by becoming ill.

Obviously, I shouldn’t be torturing myself like that. Having CFS is not my fault, just the same as with all other sufferers. Additionally, I know I’m very lucky in that my profession of choice (writing) is something that can be done from the house, and physically speaking it doesn’t require too much energy – I can at least work a bit. This is not the same for many other sufferers of CFS/ME. In my case (and following a modest improvement in my health) I have at least managed to carve out some kind of writing career; I’ve written a few books and I write the odd article too. However, I know I’m nothing like the productive and healthy version of me would be, and that is often frustrating.

But, recently, I’ve had something of a revelation. The other day, I completed a major writing project and found myself confused as to why I wasn’t suddenly happy and fulfilled. Surely completing projects means that I’m not a failure anymore, right? A short while later, I complimented another writer on a piece they’d written and got much more of a buzz from their happy reaction than I did from finishing my own project. That really made me stop and think.



I realised that, since becoming ill, I’d spent so long agonising over what I had and hadn’t achieved that I’d forgotten something I really shouldn’t have. Being a kind person is far more important than where I am in my career. The next time I feel like a failure, I’m going to try and remember that!

Jack Croxall is an author/blogger living in Nottinghamshire, UK. He posts for Allies Everywhere monthly.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/JackCroxall

Site/blog: http://jackcroxall.co.uk

Books: https://www.amazon.com/Jack-Croxall/e/B00BBX48NK

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Photos by: Steve Halama

Nathan Lemon