With all due respect to politics, the birth of children, and warm summer nights, sports are the most important thing in the universe.

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Get the fuck out of here, breakfast.

We cannot pay enough attention to these glorious pastimes, and anyone who doesn't spend every waking moment thinking of and speaking on the subject of sports is a wrong, bad, misguided terrorist.

But not everything we speak about sports is equally wise and insightful. Indeed, the world of sports commentary is littered with horrible cliches that do nothing but serve as bait for remote controls to get thrown through the screen. And I'm not talking about guys who flub names or trip on their tongues; play-by-play is tough work, and honestly it's kind of a miracle we don't hear more mispronounced names and explosive swearing during any given game. No, I'm reserving all my ire for the color commentators, as well as those suited idiots back in the studio, the people hired for their expertise, who have the time to think up something insightful, and then say something dumb anyway.