Yesterday NY Post columnist Steve Cuozzo stuck his head into a fissure deep in the bowels of the Port Authority and drank deep from the sacred, noxious fumes of the Oracle of Moses while an intern feverishly transcribed his impassioned glossolalia and VOILA: we have today's opinion column, "The bike-lane cancer." Cuozzo is the type of person who writes solemnly of his own "addiction" to Hostess snack cakes while referring to actual homeless drug addicts (many of whom are veterans) as "roving psychos," so it's axiomatic to assume that his 865th anti-bike lane column is just tired bullshit cobbled together from his NIMBY Ouija board. But this particular column is so lazy, so easily disproven that we can't help but wonder if it's time for the Post's editors to send Cuozzo packing to the Levittown bureau, where his roof can suck in the frisbees of the neighborhood children and he can sigh endlessly at the Norman Rockwell calendar the dry cleaner gives out to its best customers.

Cuozzo attempts to pin his rage to the DOT's proposed expansion of the Columbus Avenue bike lane, which met a deadlocked Community Board 7 on Monday night. 150 residents showed up to support the bike lane expansion, but to Cuozzo, bike lanes aren't just cancerous, they're confusing.

[The bike lane extension] will subject another mile and a half of the avenue to the collateral damage wrought by the existing lane: fewer lanes for cars and trucks, vehicles unattractively parked in the middle of the street and damage to stores and restaurants caused by the impossibility of dropping off passengers.

Impossibility! There are literally busses full of tourists vomiting from motion sickness, circling around Columbus Avenue, desperate to spend their money but they are doomed to live and die on the bus—prisoners to the cyclists that Cuozzo later says do not exist. Oh if the driver would just maybe, you know, turn onto a side street or wait four seconds before—no, no, it's impossible! It's exactly like that scene in European Vacation, and just as fictional.

Those are on top of the pavement jungle of planters, bizarre turning lanes and giant painted arrows, which are equally baffling to drivers, pedestrians and bikers…Longer bike lanes are just what shop owners need to ruin their businesses for good.

If "giant painted arrows" and potted plants confuse you, perhaps you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. And didn't Cuozzo's own newspaper publish a story about how bike lanes and pedestrian plazas actually boost local businesses? Maybe if everyone traveled in a mobile sensory deprivation tank like Cuozzo, we'd learn to appreciate the austerity of New York City's streets through the bulletproof tint of ignorance.

And the Columbus bike lane is usually empty. I’ve watched it repeatedly, at all hours and in all weathers, on weekdays and weekends.

It's buried pretty deep on the IMDB page but Steve Cuozzo is actually the inspiration for the 1954 film Rear Window, in which a mild-mannered photographer stares at a bike lane every second of every day and becomes insane when citizens suggest that people actually use the bike lane when they absolutely do not because Steve Cuozzo never sleeps.

Growing up on Long Island, I lived on a bike. I rarely use one on city streets for the obvious reason: It’s dangerous and impractical on the streets, with or without bike lanes.

Driving a car? That's 100% safe [pdf] and practical in Manhattan. Steve Cuozzo only rides his bike on city streets when he's fighting crime, usually murderous men on bicycles delivering food. Also: Long Island? Doesn't your bio say you're from Brooklyn? Go drink a $15 Ensure Shandy you fraudulent hipster transplant (Hey, that benighted rage felt pretty good. Is the Post hiring?)

The city’s claim that New Yorkers in the zillions have taken to cycling is baloney: Again, stand on any corner and count.

Ask any scientist, they'll tell you that a random sampling of cyclists taken while you wait for the Seamless guy in the lobby of your apartment and look out the front window is scientific proof that cycling has not increased in New York City by 289% since 2001. Also, this study becomes exponentially more accurate when conducted by a New York Post columnist who "rarely" rides a bike.

There's plenty to like in this column if you're a fan of watching an old person scream at their hand-held Baccarat video game in an airport Chili's, but let's go to the big finish:

City Hall’s utter leave-taking from its senses is exemplified in its delayed Bike Share program, which is to start in June. The whole concept is wrong, but its details are insane even on the scheme’s own terms. In all Manhattan, it turns out, the share stand with the most bicycle docks will be on the northbound side of Park Avenue between 41st and 42nd streets, across from Grand Central Terminal. It will have space for 118 bikes. How irrational is this, at possibly the single location in the whole city least conducive to biking—in Midtown’s congested heart, hemmed in by dense traffic on all sides and remote from any bike lanes that a cyclist might conceivably want to use? But any semblance of logic was left at the curb long ago.

Why on earth would you put a giant rack of inexpensive, fast, efficient, exercise commuting apparatuses across from one the largest commuting hubs in the world? It's "insane!"

Steve, if you ever want to take a ride up the West Side Highway, sit on a bench overlooking the Hudson, and have a long, cathartic cry to purge this hate, you know where to find us. We'll even pick up the Shake Shack on the way down.