The comedian and actor, 67, in his own words

ON BEING TOLD, "YOU'RE NOT VERY BIG DOWNSTAIRS" DURING A MEDICAL FOR THE TERRITORIAL ARMY

I thought we were only going to fight them (1960)

ON PRINCESS ANNE

She looks like a horse just shit into her handbag (1981)

ON HIS SUBSEQUENT FRIENDSHIP WITH PRINCESS ANNE

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow (1989)

AFTER HIS FIRST TOUR OF AUSTRALIA

I'd like to return to Brisbane in a Lancaster bomber loaded with horse manure (1976)

ON HIS TELEVISED THERAPY SESSION ["SHRINK RAP"] WITH HIS PSYCHOLOGIST WIFE PAMELA STEPHENSON

I think psychiatrists all over the world will wonder why I didn't cry about my child abuse but did about [watching a concert by] Pete Seeger (2008)

SIDE-STEPPING HOMELESS BEGGARS IN NEW YORK

Spare change? I don't get the concept (1987)

ON MARRIAGE

It's a great invention – but so was the bicycle repair kit (1992)

HECKLED BY ELTON JOHN FANS WHILE OPENING FOR HIM

You'll get him in a minute. They're walking him around the building trying to sober him up (1976)

ON HIS LIFE OFF-STAGE

I don't know how to buy a house, I genuinely don't; I wouldn't know who to phone, so I get my manager to do it. I wouldn't know how to buy a car… (2008)

ASKED AT AIRPORT SECURITY IF HE'D PACKED HIS OWN BAGS

No, no, a big Arab guy in a hotel – a nice big man, named Mohammed, who had a flying licence – packed it for me (2003)

ON BEING A SCOT

I'm Scottish, yes, but it was a complete mistake. I would be delighted to be a Bosnian (2008)

TO RALPH McTELL, WHO GOT LOST WHILE DRIVING CONNOLLY FROM PUTNEY TO KNIGHTSBRIDGE

Didn't you write "Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London"? (1986)

ASKED BY HIS WIFE HOW HE TURNED TRAUMA INTO TRIUMPH

Well, I didn't come down the Clyde on a water biscuit (2001)

ON STRONG LANGUAGE

A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck" (1998)

Compiled by John Hind