Alexander McCall Smith: I’ve developed a most special guide for tourists in Scotland

Tourists! Welcome my friends! I’ve got some very helpful and not at all dodgy advice for you, writes Alexander McCall Smith.

By The Newsroom Wednesday, 7th August 2019, 7:00 am

See You Jimmy Hats should be worn on St Andrews Old Course and for morning service at Edinburghs St Giles (Picture: Ian Georgeson)

Overtourism has been in the news. There are, we are told, too many visitors coming to places like Edinburgh and Skye, and this has led to the suggestions that less effort should be put into persuading to people to come to Scotland – especially during the Edinburgh Festival.

The Scottish Tourist Board, now known by the somewhat peremptory title Visit Scotland, is the body that most openly encourages people to come here. It publishes pictures of attractive parts of Scotland and suggests to impressionable people abroad that they will have a good time. They never mention midges or wind turbines, and indeed publish pictures of neither of these important features of the Scottish countryside. Nor are they even-handed in their recommendations of places to visit. There are certain towns in Scotland that are never mentioned as suitable holiday destinations for overseas visitors. These towns know who they are, but rarely complain. They should. The absence of a significant tourist industry in Airdrie, for instance, is a direct result of neglect on the part of Visit Scotland.

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There is another respect in which our tourist authorities let down the foreign visitor. That is their failure to publish clear guidelines on the sort of behaviour expected of visitors. Every visitor to a foreign country needs guidance in how to behave, and it is unfortunate that visitors to Scotland do not get this. For this reason, it might be useful to propose some hints for visitors during the tourist season.

Social greetings: visitors should be told of the importance of introducing yourself to all those with whom you share transport. On boarding a bus, for example, it is important to shake hands with the driver and tell him where you come from. Showing him or her a few family photographs is polite and much appreciated. This is more important than announcing where you wish to go. Then, before taking your seat, you should introduce yourself to as many of your fellow passengers as possible, always shaking hands. It is also important to stand as close to them as is possible, as this indicates friendliness, something that is much prized in Scotland. In parts of Scotland, particularly Glasgow (and Airdrie), if travelling on a bus after ten at night, you should also rub noses with your fellow passengers in a way in which is seen in some South Seas cultures. It is not generally known that this ancient custom actually originated in Glasgow and was taken to the South Seas many years ago by Church of Scotland missionaries.

Conversation: on a train it is very rude not to speak to the person seated next to you. If you are unsure what to talk about, here are some suggested topics: politics – ask people how they voted in the 2014 referendum. Express yourself freely on that subject, people like that. England: Scots are friendly people and like to hear about the charms of their immediate neighbours. Fruitful discussions will follow if you confess that you can’t see the difference between England and Scotland. That is a good subject for whiling away a journey in amicable discussion.

Clothing: people in Scotland dress casually and generally speaking you will not risk committing a faux pas if you wear comfortable, practical gear. (Some parts of Edinburgh, particularly Moray Place Gardens, are dedicated nudist areas, where wearing clothing is discouraged.) It is considered courteous and culturally sensitive, though, if you buy and wear one of those tartan caps with a florid fringe of ginger hair, known here as the See You Jimmy Hat. These should always be worn if you have a tee-booking at the Old Course in St Andrews or at Muirfield in Gullane. They are also de rigeur if you wish to attend morning service at St Giles’ Cathedral (where, always remember, it is customary to clap loudly after the Minister’s sermon). If you are a man, you may wear a kilt if you wish, but remember that the kilt must always be worn bare-chested (like President Putin, whose grandmother, incidentally, came from the Isle of Lewis). A ceremonial machete is worn in the sock – this is known as a sgian-dubh. You may need to source a machete yourself. On the subject of kilts, there have been important social changes in Scotland of which the visitor may be unaware. One of these is that men have stopped wearing kilts as a form of national dress. Kilts are now worn almost exclusively by men who a wish to make a personal life-style/identity point. Any bekilted man, then, should be addressed as “Madam”. “Darling” is also an acceptable term of address, especially if the kilted one is in uniform, for example, serving on guard duty at Edinburgh Castle.