CDC Warns Americans Against Touching Mario’s Face In ‘Super Mario 64’

ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention held a press conference today explaining in detail the health risks of touching Mario’s face in Super Mario 64.

“We understand the temptation to idly play with his face, but this greatly heightens the risk of exposure, both to you and to others,” said CDC spokesperson Jeremy Mize. “We highly recommend avoiding touching Mario’s face, jumping into paintings, and joining crowded penguin belly races unless they are absolutely necessary.”

Many people, however, have ignored the warning from the CDC.

“This is total bullshit,” said Victor Bartkiewicz. “I’ve been touching Mario’s face my entire life, stretching it out as much as I want, and I’ve never been sick. If I don’t go around collecting stars, I’m just gonna go fucking crazy! So I’m gonna be out there just as much as always, stomping on goombas, and going about my day. Sorry!”

“This is absolutely a case of overreacting,” said Whomp King. “I do absolutely everything with my face and I don’t feel any symptoms at all! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lay down.”

The CDC wrapped up the conference by advising citizens to make sure they are practicing social distancing by imagining swinging Bowser around yourself instead of actually grabbing his likely coronavirus-infested tail.

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