Anchor Up, fellas. You move faster that way.

UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR

I have to get something off my chest that's been bothering me since Saturday night. That Auburn loss... that one's on me. I know that the defense prepares mentally by reading the few paragraphs before the Absurd Game Prediction and I let them down when I excluded it last week. I let you all down. So with that, let's get un-uninformed...



I'm acutely aware of Vanderbilt. I know a lot of people who attended Vanderbilt, but here's the deal: I don't think Vanderbilt fans exist. We all know people who attended Vanderbilt, but in my experience they all have another school they really root for. Like that one in Austin. Vanderbilt fans are like Sasquatch. We have plenty of video evidence that they do exist, I've just never seen one with the naked eye. I hope to spot a few in the wild on Saturday.



Other than that, the only thing I know about Vanderbilt is that the Commodore is ranked below the Rear Admiral and I'm not touching that obvious joke with a 50 foot mop used to swab the poop deck. Oh, come on! That was a navy quip! Seamen.



Things I just learned about the Commodores: Lionel Richie is an alum. The members all met at Tuskegee University. They won the Freshman Talent Show there and began to perform at frat parties and bars around campus. "Brick House" is a jaaaaaaaam (I already knew that).



Absurd Game Prediction



Kevin Sumlin hasn't slept in days. Someone has to pay for last Saturday, and apparently you can't make the team run gassers from the whistle right up until kickoff. They said something about "rules" but Sumlin couldn't hear them over his calm, smooth and slow-burning anger.



During the week, KDS tried all of these methods for alleviating anger. He ended up with a therapist who wants to play for A&M, an anger group clamoring to be signed and about 150 mutilated squeeze-balls. Sumlin needed something more...therapeutic to squeeze.



Before the game, James Franklin approaches KDS for the generic pre-game coach banter. Franklin, living in his care-free world having just beaten Vanderbilt's first ranked opponent since 2008, misses the mushroom clouds behind Sumlin's pupils as he approaches. Franklin extends his hand to shake Coach Sumlin's...and wakes up 10 years later from the coma.



"Ahhhhhhhhh, sweet release. All I needed was a handshake! Let's play ball." Coach Sumlin exclaimed. Kevin Sumlin has a firm grip.



Ags 42 Vandy 31



CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Throwing Shoulder Appendage: The hopes of a fanbase ride upon this single joint of tendon and muscle. OK, not really, but let's not forget that Andre Ware will be in the booth to a) criticize Manziel for not being tough enough to play or b) criticize him for being too selfish to sit out.



Tramain Jacobs DB: The Juco transfer has quietly developed into a dependable option at cornerback. He's also instrumental in giving us the trifecta of name suffixes, with a Sr., Jr., and III all in the secondary. Name suffixes seem kind of Vanderbilty, right? It's a slow week.



Cedric Ogbuehi RT: Vandy's averaging fewer than 2 sacks per game (sound familiar?) and their biggest DE is 265 lbs., which means their second-biggest DE is smaller than that. Therefore, I'm predicting lots of outside run plays and rolling of the pocket to Ced's side because he enjoys a challenge.



Patton Robinette QB: The Vandiest of Vanderbilt men, this RS freshman is about to get his first ever career start against a...well, against a crowd of people. Perhaps we can rough him up a bit and smudge that Rec Spec monocle of his, eh what?



Jordan Matthews WR: Matthews is like what Mike Evans would be if Mike Evans were a mere mortal instead of hewn from Mt. Olympus. In other words, he's only pretty good and he's accustomed to getting lots of attention from opposing secondaries.



Kenny Ladler S: A steady senior performer who has 31 starts over his four years. Leads the team in tackles, but not like in a bad way when other safeties do it. Is also adept at serving soup.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY HYPNO-TOAD

Anchors Not just the one that apparently accompanies Vanderbilt everywhere they go. I’m talking about some true running anchors. With Manziel’s injury situation a concern to say the least, look (read: hope) for coach McKinney to try to finally establish some consistency on the ground with our embarrassingly full cupboard of slash backs and a cement truck named Tra Carson. Allowing one of our running backs to get into a rhythm would help us control the game while making sure Johnny doesn’t have to win it all by himself by running up the middle, deflecting a defensive end with his patella, and then absorbing his fall by placing the ball and socket of his shoulder in different zip codes. (The socket lives in the 78704 cuz it’s a total hipster y’all.)



Young Guns Even though Manziel is improbably probably probable, there is still a chance we may see Joeckel or Hill behind the center at some point. Earlier results this season with both players were a mixed bag, but perhaps necessity will be the mother of effective quarterbacking. With the aforementioned running game and a new look at QB, this may be Sumlin’s first opportunity at A&M to prove that we are not a one-trick pony. Then again, maybe Johnny’s miraculous repairs recovery is complete and we will resume that one trick, the one where he throws for 450 yards.



The Hangover We’ve all been here before, and while Aggie Football never ceases to amaze with how many ways it can build up your hope before dashing it on the rocks, but let’s not jump quite yet. A&M is still one of the top offenses in the country, and while the ‘Dores may have caught the Dawgs napping in Nashville, Kyle Field is a huge weapon and we have a defense that is hungry for redemption and its third tackle of the season. The SEC has demonstrated that anything can happen in a weekend and there are still many weekends to go, so there is much for this team and the fans to keep fighting for.



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY J.P. 03

#20 South Carolina @ #5(!) Missouri While most of the SEC dines on fine cupcakes like Furman, Idaho, FAU, and Kentucky, the Cocks and Tigers will meet in a clash to see who sits atop the East division. Win or lose, expect Spurrier to be his usual tactful self as he notes how surprising it is that Mizzou was able to sell enough Blue Sky to buy mouth guards to protect the remaining 17 teeth on the starting offensive line. Should the Tigers win, head coach Gary Pinkel will almost certainly be a front-runner for ACC Coach of the Year, at which point he will once again calmly explain to everyone that Mizzou is in fact in the SEC.



LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY STEWADE

BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE Johnny Football recovers like the other-worldly superhuman that we're accustomed to seeing and stays true to form on the field. The Defense makes many, many corrections and holds the Commodores to an amount of points significantly less than that of the Aggies, thus solidifying a very therapeutic victory. I get over my PJFFNID suffered for a second consecutive week through a combination of meditation, a healthy diet, and exercise.



WORST CASE Do I really have to write this? I was sarcastic last week and look where we ended up. I'm still not mentally capable of dealing with the possible "worst case scenarios" for this upcoming game. You want a worst case scenario? FINE, HERE YOU GO. Johnny doesn't come back. The defense looks like electric football. Aggies lose to Vandy. I placate my PJFFNID by starting heroin while eating all of the junk food and canceling my gym membership.



@jlemmons96 Johnny comes out for Vandy game with arm in sling. Proves he can beat a team with one arm literally tied behind his back. #GBHTailgate



@AggieZach10 Let's see if I can wheel-route myself into the #GBHTailgate



@whoopy07 Manziel stops playing right handed and reveals to the world that he's a natural lefty and has purposefully handicapped himself #GBHTailgate



@aggie_hood @ChivesMcGee I'm a big fan, too. I think my biggest beef with the #GBHTailgate tweet snub is that there are funnier people than me out there.



@SomerOf84 @Stewade Were you aware that this made the radar of @WilliamZabka ? Because, awesome. #GBHTailgate



@rcb05 Our defense is like my golf game: 3 hours of suck, except for one moment that gives you false hope for the following weekend. #GBHTailgate



@Stewade Thanks and Gig 'em, #GBHTailgate

