Beto Unveils Plan To Replace All Cars With Skateboards By 2030

U.S.—Presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke has unveiled a $5 trillion plan to fight climate change. Foremost among the major changes the plan would enact is the replacement of all cars in the United States with skateboards.

O'Rourke got the idea while skating a half-pipe and smoking some weed with some local youths over the weekend.

"Can you imagine just how bad the nation would be with everyone grinding, flipping, tricking, and pop shove-it-ing all around? Totally rad," O'Rourke said to the youths as he passed a joint around. "Yeah, man, that'd be so sick. Bruh. I mean, dude. Bruh. Dude."

The candidate was asked to leave the skate park as it's for high schoolers, sadly. But he still came up with the basic framework for his plan before he crashed on his couch, Flamin' Hot Cheeto residue still stuck to his fingers.

"No one else is willing to take this kind of bold, decisive, totally tubular action against climate change," O'Rourke said in a speech Monday. "The nation will be 100% doper---and cooler---after I pass this plan with an executive order my first day in office, just like the Constitution allows me to."

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