Are you poor? That sounded callous I know. Let me rephrase ..are you irretrievably destitute and think the American dream is just a mirage? That you will never get to own a 5 series BMW convertible unless you buy an ‘89 one from a junk yard? That you can never take your family out to a nice steak dinner unless you bought 5 stack boxes of frozen Hungry Man steak & mashed potatoes? That you can never go on that dream vacation unless you invest $70 at the brand new VR kiosk in the mall?

It seems to the rest of the country that you’ve just been whacking your head repeatedly on a sturdy stone wall by voting for financial principles designed to further banish you from prosperity. You wonder why nothing but your tears has been trickling down.

Fear not! We at Smotherself Genius Consultants (SGC Group) can help you spring out of the quicksand. This is a free service. We also realize the calamity that has taken place due to a divisive leadership from 2008 to 2016. Additionally, we’re aware of the amoral hip hop kinds and thugs lurking behind EVERY dark corner of places you used to fish, fly kites and kiss affectionately in.

What you’ve been doing is voting for the right ideology then sitting back and folding your arms waiting for results. You’ve done this the last 30 years. Yet..no trickle. You’re not lazy. Just misinformed. There exists some things you can start doing right away to accelerate results.

Wax On Wax Off

Seek out your county’s wealthiest folks. This is easy to do through trulia.com. Browse properties in your zip code and surrounding areas and plug in $1 million.

Set out to the home and offer free services to make the patrons of those premises breath easier. They might already be breathing easy, but what do you stand to lose? Use your imagination. Things like grass can be cut for free. Yachts and luxurious campers can also be detailed for free. Just make sure you Google how to do it right to avoid selling your kidneys and other internal organs after you damaged your neighborhood’s fat cat’s toys.

Are you a hilarious jester or comedian like Larry the cable guy? Offer private shows for the tycoon’s family and their friends. For free.

Find out which kids have been giving your target family’s children trouble. Beat the shit out of them. For no fee at all.

Who’s your State Controller? You don’t need to hire a hacker. This is public information. Stalk them and find out what’s dear to them. Pets are usually dear to people like that. Kidnap the beloved pet and demand complete eradication of state income taxes for your favorite rich guy or gal.

The pool

Are you smarter than a fifth grader like Sir Foxworthy and find the above suggestions...beneath your caliber? What do you know about derivatives and index funds? Here’s where you can really use our pro bono service. Contact one of our advocates especially if you’re in sales and are charismatic like our leader..*pause to hail leader*…*moment of silence to hail leader*.. *hailing*.. *still hailing* …

Call everyone you know and reach out via social media for those who don’t pick up your call to arms. Invite them to pool your savings into a bundle so we can find the appropriate minimally deregulated security to stick it in. This will qualify you as a Platinum Agent. It’s all about Synthetic CDO’s my friend. They’re a cousin of the now famous credit default swaps where we trade in bad loans and bet against them. The economy will collapse once again, but you can always chip in to bail us out. Don’t worry about the government . It’s all taken care of. Most of the money our mutual fund partners make from your pool will be used to boot out Liberal assholes in Congress that revere bullshit acts such as Glass-Steagall and Dodd-Frank. What we need to do is let the market sort itself out like it did during the Great Depression and the Recession that happened about ten years ago. Even though there’s no scientific proof that blasphemously priced mutual funds outperform dirt cheap index funds, just redirect your pool to the former so we can ensure the oligarchs of this country can afford their fucking calamari while vacationing on their private yachts. In this way, you’ll be servicing not one, but many, many, many rich people.

If anyone calls you a dunce. Beat the shit out of them. Ask if they have an IRA or 401k and let’s add that sucker into this here pool.

Are snowflakes threatening to boycott the investment bank we found for the pool because it’s been betting that the pool is a joke and will fail? Remind them about the importance of a free market and recklessness behind communistic tendencies like affordable healthcare. Beat the shit out of them. Ask them if they have an IRA. Repeat.

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For $0, you can invest in my insecurities by clicking the 💚 and/ or following me. This will earn you an annual return of around 0%, but future outlook is bullish and very promising.