As you know, I have been blogging about Trump’s persuasion skills. But what about the other candidates? We need some equal time here. Today I will tell you everything I know about the others. I have to confess I haven’t been following them closely. I only know what the headlines have been telling me, but I think that’s enough.

Bernie Sanders

Let’s not focus all of our attention on Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders has been running a strong campaign on his theme of not talking about Hillary’s damned emails and not wanting to talk about Bill Clinton’s sex life. I think he also wants to raise my taxes and give the money to Denmark for health care. I might have the details wrong, but that’s all I remember about him. And dandruff.

Chris Christie

Chris Christie has almost been ignored by the media. That’s not fair because he is a passionate advocate for not paying attention to Donald Trump. I believe he is also opposed to bridges, salad, and Obama.

Ben Carson

As a doctor, Ben Carson once separated conjoined twins, which is awesome, unless he did it without asking. But I’m almost positive he had permission from someone. He also attempted to stab a guy to death but was totally thwarted by a belt buckle. There are rumors he holds up his own pants with a rope because belt buckles prevent him from passing through doorways.

Rubio

I don’t remember his first name, but I think he has one. Rubio is handsome, young, and unusually moist under pressure. He enjoys drinking water. He also has policies and positions, but I’m not sure if he told anyone yet. He is the Republican elite’s best hope to thwart Trump.

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz is one of the smartest of the candidates. He is running a disciplined campaign under the umbrella theme of “Please, Donald Trump, don’t talk about me. I will do anything you ask. Say something about Rubio. That guy is sweaty.” Cruz has other ideas too, such as miscellaneous and etcetera.

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina has run a strong campaign, powered by intelligence, hard work, and principle. She opposes dead babies, well-run corporations, and smiling.

Bill Clinton

I don’t know the details, but I think he’s in the race now too, primarily to meet women.

Hillary Clinton

Unlike Donald Trump and his divisive campaign messages, Hillary Clinton is a more inclusive candidate. Clinton is running to be the president for ALL women, not just the rich, white ones. Her campaign promise is to keep her husband’s junk on a short leash while bombing her own thyroid with medication until she has enough energy to take away your guns.

Rand Paul

Rand Paul has many smart things to say about the Fed and… that’s all I remember. And I don’t exactly know what the Fed does. But they must be doing it wrong. I think Rand Paul is still running, right?

John Kasich

John Kasich made a name for himself as a congressman and a governor. Lately he is more famous for doing his impression of a giant turtle that can’t find its own shell. He also talks about policies and whatnot. I don’t know the details.

I might be leaving out a few candidates, but it’s not my fault if they can’t make it into the headlines.

This is parody, obviously, but it isn’t far from the impression that Trump and his winged monkeys in the media have painted of the competition. As a humor writer, I’m trained to ignore the details and pick up the general vibe of things, because the vibe registers as reality to us, not the details.

(Note: True story – I wrote everything above this comment before remembering that Jeb Bush is still running.)

I will reiterate for new readers that I’m not endorsing Trump or anyone else. I am not smart enough to know who would do the best job as president. But I don’t think there is any doubt who is doing the best job of campaigning, for whatever that is worth.