10 Ways You Know You’re Over Your Ex

After my ex-boyfriend and I broke up several months ago, someone told me the best way to get over a breakup was to start dating right away: “It’s really the best way to get yourself distracted and to forget about your ex.” I didn’t take that person’s advice, and I’m glad I didn’t because I’ve learned that the best way to get over a breakup is to take some time for yourself to feel whole again and to heal first before getting into another relationship. [See my blog entitled How to Survive a Breakup]. In my opinion, rushing into a new relationship right away without first healing is tantamount to putting a band-aid over a knife stab.

I know plenty of people who rushed into a new relationship and are not over their exes. A friend of mine, for example, settled for someone who is — how can I put it gently? — not quite what he is looking for. Initially, they started seeing each other because he did not want to be alone after he and his ex broke up, and later because it was convenient. And now they’re sort of stuck because they are well into the relationship. Another friend started dating indiscriminately after she and her ex split, but on many occasions, had hooked up with her ex because she was still not over him. Another friend got into a monogamous relationship right after his breakup, but even after a long time, could not take his new relationship to the next level because he came to realize that the person he was dating was just a rebound girl. Another friend got into a monogamous relationship with a great guy whom she was willing to marry, but she still thought about her ex constantly and even googled his name on a regular basis and would tear up if she saw anything new about him or by him.

With this in mind, I want to share with you single people in the dating scene an article I read (from youvebeendumped) which talks about how one knows if one is over an ex:

1. Thinking about your ex less: you realize that you’re no longer thinking of your ex all the time and no longer torturing yourself about what could have been. Even when you do think about your ex from time to time (which is perfectly normal), it doesn’t make you feel sad, angry, hurt, bitter, etc. You may remember the goods times you’ve shared without bursting into tears.

2. Plotting: You’ve accepted that you and your ex are not getting back together, and you’ve stopped praying for reconciliation.

3. Music: You can listen to music that reminds you of your ex without being an emotional wreck. And not all love songs remind you of your ex anymore.

4. Pictures: You can look at old pictures of you and your ex with a sort of detachment. Sure, you may still feel a bit sentimental, but you are not bursting into tears thinking about the good old days, and any setback you feel is brief.

5. Ending the race: You don’t feel the need to prove anything to your ex, e.g., wishing to bump into your ex to show off a hot new “replacement” so that you can prove that you’ve moved on.

6. Not taking revenge: You’re pleased, or at least indifferent, when you hear that you’re ex is doing well, and you’re not secretly celebrating your ex’s misfortune.

7. Looking for him/her wherever you go: You don’t look into shops, bars, or other places where you ex might be, hoping to run into him/her. If you do run into your ex, though, and your heart races a little, it apparently does not mean that you are not over him/her.

8. Revisiting former haunts: You are able to go back to places where you and your ex used to go, which you have been avoiding since the split.

9. Your ex having sex …. with someone else: You can picture your ex having sex with someone else or being in a relationship with someone else, and it doesn’t make you hurt, angry, jealous, or extremely emotional.

10. Reading their horoscope: You’re no longer reading your ex’s horoscope and obsessing over your ex.

I liked the article. And even before I read that article, it suddenly hit me about a month ago that I was over my ex-boyfriend. I guess in some ways, knowing you’re over your ex is a lot like falling in love. You just know it. My ex, who didn’t seem to be too affected by our split and who never took any time for himself after our split, is probably still not completely over the breakup, but it seems like he’s well on his way to being healed. He asked me to have dinner with him a couple of weeks ago so that he could give me back the stuff I left behind. It was the first time we saw each other since we broke up. He told me he was lonely and started dating someone but ended their relationship before it got physical because he couldn’t really see himself dating anyone seriously before going back to his home country. He also told me that since I cut his hair just before we broke up, he had not cut his hair for sentimental reasons until the day before he came down to Philly for dinner. He then asked me if I regretted dating him for the past year or feel like I wasted my time, since he knew I would not have gotten into a relationship with anyone if there was no chance for the relationship to progress – and obviously, our relationship did not progress. And after dinner, as he gave me back my James Blunt CD, he asked me if I still like the singer and asked me if I had listened to “Goodbye My Lover” recently. As we parted, he said he felt a little sad seeing me, but he was happy to see that I was doing well. Hearing him say that made me feel a bit sentimental, but in some strange ways, I also felt at peace because I realized that even though a chapter of my life had already ended, I was ready to start a new chapter soon.

The moral of this story? Simple. Just don’t start dating simply to get over someone. Get to know yourself, take your time to heal, and feel good being alone before venturing into the next relationship. That’s what I did. And it helped me a great deal.

On a different note, here’s a good post you might also be interested in, written by yours truly for my firm‘s blog: Ten Steps to Take If You’re Laid Off (it deals with issues on discrimination, retaliation, lay offs, and other employment matters).