Tories commit to Human Rights Act after redefining ‘Human’ as someone earning over £50k

The Conservative party has performed a dramatic u-turn on Human Rights legislation after an 11th hour redefining of the word ‘Human’.

After significant public pressure over plans to do away with the Human Rights Act, senior Tory officials have said they will now embrace the HRA after a slight tweak to the definition of the word Human left skeptics within the party embracing the entire idea.

A party spokesperson told us, “First of all, we have agreed that moving forwards, humans earn at least £50k a year, everyone surely knows that now.

“Also, humans do not break the law, and have never broken the law in the past, that’s a given – so if you’re breaking the law or happen to earn less than £50k a year, then the Human Rights Aact doesn’t actually apply to you anyway, which is why you’ll find so many Tories are now happy to commit to it.

“It’s not that we’d define these people earning less than £50k a year as non-human, more that they’ve not quite met the requisite standard – they’re more just ‘sub-human’, if you will.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “I drive a van for a living, and I’m often wracked with self-doubt and loathing, so this new definition of ‘human’ is probably no more than I deserve, to be honest.

“The Tories make a good argument; human rights should be the privilege of the middle-classes and up I suppose.

“As it says in the Tory manifesto, ‘All humans are equal, but some are more equal than others’.”