[orchestral music] [cheering] - MARTONIUS JACKSONCATCHES THE BALL! HE'S RUNNING DOWN THE SIDELINEAND--OOH! - BOO!DID YOU SEE THAT HIT? BOOM! - JACKSON STOPPED AT THE 45AND HE IS SLOW TO GET UP. - THAT WAS A GREAT HIT,BOYS. REMEMBER THAT AT PRACTICETOMORROW. - YEAH, JACKSONTOOK A REAL SHOT, AND I'M NOT SUREWHAT HE'S DOING NOW, BUT IT APPEARS AS THOUGH HE'SLOOKING FOR HIS KEYS, DAN. - YEAH, AND THAT DOESN'TMAKE A LOT OF SENSE, BECAUSE EVER SINCEHIS CONCUSSION IN '06, HE DOESN'T EVENHE HAVE A LICENSE. - COACH MARTIN IS COMING OVERTO TELL HIM THAT NOW, BUT JACKSON APPEARS TO THINKHE'S IN A CAR, DRIVING HOME. - WELL, DURING THIS TIME OUT,WE'RE HAPPY TO BE JOINED BY THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NFL,ROGER GOODELL. COMMISSIONER, A LOT OF HOOPLAABOUT CONCUSSIONS THIS YEAR IN THE NFL. HOW IS THE LEAGUEHANDLING ALL THAT? - WELL,THERE CERTAINLY ARE INTERESTING STATISTICSCOMING OUT, DAN, AND WE ARE DEEPLY CONCERNEDAND WAITING TO SEE IF THERE'S REALLYANY DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN FOOTBALLAND HEAD TRAUMA. - OH, AND IT LOOKS LIKESOME OF THE NFL ALUMNI ARE TAKING THE FIELD NOW. THERE'S ALL-PRO SAFETYMARTIN GREGORS AND FULLBACK JIM HARRIS. LOOKS LIKE HIS PANTS ARE DOWNAROUND HIS ANKLES. SOMEBODY SHOULD LET HIM KNOW. OH, AND OL' SUREHANDMIKE TAFTILL, WHO SEEMS TO BE BAKINGAN IMAGINARY CAKE, DAN. - YEAH, NOT SURE IF THAT'SMEANT TO BE A CAKE OR--OR PERHAPS, UH,A LOAF OF BREAD, BUT HE DEFINITELYTHINKS HE'S BAKING SOMETHING. - BOY, I JUST DON'TGET FOOTBALL. GUESS THAT'SWHY I SUCK AT IT. - YOU DON'T SUCK AT FOOTBALL,BUTTERS. YOU SUCK AT ALL SPORTS. - THAT'S TRUE! OL' ERIC TELLS MEI SHOULD WORK AT A THAI MASSAGE PARLOR,I'M SO GOOD AT SUCKING! - THAT'S RIGHT, BUTTERS. - AND WITH THAT, THE BROWNSARE READY TO KICK IT OFF BACK TO THE BRONCOS. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,HERE YOU GO, BOYS. WATCH THEM ON THE KICKOFF,ALL RIGHT? SPECIAL TEAMS ARETHE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYS. - WE DON'T HAVE KICKOFFSANYMORE. - HUH? - THE SCHOOL SAID THEY'RETHE MOST DANGEROUS PLAYS, SO THEY DON'T HAVE USDO THEM ANYMORE. - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK?

DOES ANYONE HAVEANY OUTSTANDING ISSUES? - YEAH, I'D LIKE TO TALKABOUT THIS GENIUS NEW RULE IN THE FOOTBALL PROGRAMABOUT NO KICKOFFS. - UH, YES, WE'VE DECIDEDTO GO WITHOUT KICKOFFS BECAUSE OF THE CONCERNS RAISEDOVER CONCUSSIONS, MKAY. - OH, YEAH, WE DON'T KIDSGETTING HURT PLAYING FOOTBALL. BUT I THINK I HAVE A WAY TOMAKE IT EVEN BETTER. WHY DON'T WE HAVE THE PLAYERSJUST WEAR BRAS? - BRAS? - YEAH, THE PLAYERSSHOULD ALL WEAR BRAS, AND INSTEAD OF HELMETS, THEYSHOULD WEAR LITTLE TIN FOIL HATS 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,IT'S "THE FUTURE," AND WE SHOULDN'T BESO BARBARIC! - HOW WOULD THE BRAS ANDTIN FOIL HATS MAKE IT SAFER? - OH, YOU'RE ALLNOT GETTING IT! SEE, WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WE'LL HAVE A BALLOONINSTEAD OF A BALL, AND WHOEVER CATCHES THE BALLOONTRIES TO RUN WHILEALL THE OTHER PLAYERS HUG. - HUH. YOU--YOU THINK THE STUDENTSWOULD LIKE THAT? - OH, THEY'D LOVE IT! A SPORT WHERE SAFETYIS ALL THAT MATTERS. HOW ABOUT WE CALL IT"SARCASTABALL"! - MKAY. WOULD YOU MINDBEING THE COACH OF THE SOUTH PARKSARCASTABALL TEAM? - JESUS CHRIST. YES, I WOULD LOVE TO BE THECOACH OF THE SARCASTABALL TEAM.

- DAD, DO WE REALLYHAVE TO WEAR BRAS? - YEAH, STAN, THIS ISWHAT PEOPLE WANT. DON'T WORRY,YOU LOOK REALLY COOL. - I GOT THE BALLOON,COACH MARSH. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT? - OH, YOU KNOW, TRY TO GET ITINTO THE END ZONE, BUT BE REALLY POLITEABOUT IT. - OKAY![laughs] EXCUSE ME.PARDON ME. YOU GUYS LOOK TERRIFIC. WOW, THIS GAME IS GREAT! - HOW'S IT GOING, COACH? - HOW'S IT GOING?AWESOME! NOBODY'S GETTING HURT, AND THE KIDS ARE LEARNINGVALUABLE LIFE LESSONS, 'CAUSE HUGGING AND SAFETY ISWHAT THE WORLD IS ALL ABOUT! - SO, YOU'RE HAPPY WITHTHESE CHANGES? - HAPPY? I'M THRILLED! LOOK AT HOW MUCH BETTERTHIS IS! - OKAY. [whistle blows] - IS FOOTBALL SAFEFOR YOUR KIDS? CONCERNED PARENT,RANDY MARSH, SAYS NO, AND HAS STARTED A MOVEMENTTO REFORM THE SPORT, GATHERING FOLLOWERSBY THE HUNDREDS. - OH, THIS IS GOOD. NICE FOR YOU ALL TO TURN OUTIN RECORD NUMBERS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORTFOR SARCASTABALL. [applause] - YEAH, YEAH, WE'RE THROUGHWITH OUR KIDS GETTING "KNOCKED ONDA GWOOOUND AND TACKWLED." LET'S MAKE SARCASTABALL THE OFFICIAL SCHOOL SPORTNATIONWIDE! [cheers and applause] GO ON!PAT YOURSELVES ON THE BACK! [overlapping chatter] - SHOWING JUST HOW MUCH ONECONCERNED PARENT CAN DO, MARSH THEN FOUND HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE LEADERSOF WASHINGTON. - YEAH, YEAH,LET'S DO THAT. WE GOT AN ECONOMYIN THE TOILET, A BIG ELECTION COMING UP, BUT THIS COUNTRY'SNUMBER ONE PRIORITY SHOULD BE MAKINGFOOTBALL SAFER. [cheers and applause]

- THIS IS RIDICULOUS! ARE WE REALLY GOING TOGO OUT THERE AND PLAY NORTH PARKLIKE THIS? - I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER IF WE'RESUPPOSED TO HUG THE FULLBACK OR COMPLIMENT HIM. I'M SO CONFUSED. - THIS GAME IS STUPID. I HAVE NO IDEAHOW TO GO OUT ON A FIELD AND BE AS NICE AS I CANTO THE OTHER TEAM! - YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?SCREW THIS! - HEY, WHOA! I CAN'T BELIEVEWHAT I'M HEARING! WE BEEN PRACTICING AND GETTINGREADY FOR THIS GAME, AND YOU FELLASJUST WANNA QUIT? - WE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTANDHOW THIS GAME IS PLAYED. - THIS GREAT GAMEISN'T ABOUT PLAYS. IT'S ABOUT SPORTSMANSHIPAND COMPASSION. AND WHEN I LOOK AROUNDTHIS LOCKER ROOM, I SEE SOME OF THE NICEST,MOST COMPASSIONATE GUYS I'VE EVER MET. TOKEN, YOU'RE NICERTHAN ANYBODY I KNOW. AND, CLYDE,YOU GIVE BETTER HUGS THAN ANYONE OUT ON THAT FIELD! - THAT'S TRUE. - ARE WE JUST GONNA LET NORTHPARK WALK AWAY WITH A VICTORY BECAUSE WE THINK THEY KNOW HOWTO BE NICER THAN US? BEING NICE IS ABOUTWHAT'S INSIDE YOU! WHEN YOUR ENEMY IS NICE TO YOU,YOU JUST BE NICE RIGHT BACK! AND IF THEY GIVE YOUTWO BALLOONS, WELL, YOU GIVE 'EM THREE! - YEAH.- YEAH! - AND WHEN THEY TRY ANDTHANK YOU FOR THOSE BALLOONS, YOU SAY, "I DON'TNEED ANY THANKS. I DID IT 'CAUSE IT WASTHE RIGHT THING TO DO," AND THEN YOU GIVE 'EMA SMILE! - YEAH!- YEAH! - AND WHEN THAT OTHER TEAMTRIES TO COME AT YOU, THAT'S WHEN YOU GOTTAREACH DEEP DOWN, RIGHT DOWNTO YOUR CREAMY CENTER-- THAT PLACE,THAT PLACE INSIDE YOU WHERE ALL THE GOOEY,HAPPY LOVING GOO SITS, AND YOU GOTTA USE THATTO BE THE NICEST, MOST COMPASSIONATE PLAYERYOU'VE EVER BEEN, AND LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT WEWILL NOT GO DOWN SO EASY! [cheering] - YEAH!- YEAH! - LET'S DO THIS.STAN, HOOK UP MY BRA.

I AM SO THRILLED TO SEEOUR NATION'S YOUTH EMBRACE SARCASTABALL OVERTRADITIONAL FOOTBALL. OH, BUT WHY STOP THERE? SINCE FOOTBALL IS SO BARBARIC,WE SHOULD CHANGE TOO! SO, LET'S GIVEA BIG WELCOME TO THE NEW COACH OF THE DENVERBRONCOS, RANDY MARSH! [applause] CONGRATULATIONS, MARSH.GOOD JOB. - OH, THANK YOU,COMMISSIONER. I'M THRILLED TO BEA PART OF THIS. THANKS.- NICE GOING. - YEAH, NO, NO,YOU NICE GOING. - HEY, GUYS, HOW ABOUTA NICE FUCKING PICTURE TO WELCOME IN THE FUTUREOF SPORTS. [camera shutter clicking] - WELCOME TOTHE INAUGURAL GAME OF THE NATIONALSARCASTABALL LEAGUE, AS WE BRING YOU TODAY'S MATCH-UPBETWEEN THE DENVER BRONCOS AND THE OAKLAND RAIDERS. - YEAH, LOOKIN' GOOD, GUYS.LET'S KICK SOME BUTT. - GIVE 'EM HELL, COACH!LOVING, NOT SHOVING! - OH, YEAH, GOOD ONE![cheering] - AND NOW, HERE ARE YOUR DENVERWHOOP-DEE-FUCKING-DO GIRLS! - WOO. WOO. - GO, BRONCOS, GO. - WHOOP-DEE-FUCKIN-DO. - AND NOW, HERE TO SINGTHE SARCASTABALL ANTHEM, RECORDING ARTIST, CEE LO. - [tune of God Bless America]♪ I LOVE SARCASTABALL ♪ IT'S SO MUCH BETTERTHAN FOOTBALL ♪ ♪ I'M SO GLAD THEY GOT RID OFVIOLENCE IN SPORTS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE SARCASTABALL ISSO SUPER FUN TO WATCH ♪ - WHOO!NICE JOB, CELO. GOOD TO SEE YOU ON TVSOME MORE. - YEAH, I'M A BIG FAN OFALL YOUR HIT SONG!

- DUDE, WHAT DO YOU MEANWE DON'T HAVE A COACH? - LOOK, I'M SORRY GUYS. MY DAD SAID HE'S TOO BUSYWITH THE BRONCOS. HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR US. - BUT OUR BIG GAME WITH LAKEWOODIS SATURDAY! - I'M SORRY! MY DAD IS TAKINGPROFESSIONAL SARCASTABALL REALLY SERIOUSLY. - WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELLCALL UP LAKEWOOD AND TELL EM WE FORFEIT. - WE CAN'T!- WE DON'T HAVE A COACH, KYLE! - WHO NEEDS A COACH?WE HAVE BUTTERS. - HUH?- HEY, YEAH. - THE GUYS ARE RIGHT. FROM NOW ON, YOU'RETEAM CAPTAIN, BUTTERS. YOU LEAD US TO VICTORY. - OH, JEEZ, NO.I DON'T KNOW, FELLAS. - BUTTERS, YOU UNDERSTANDTHIS GAME BETTER THAN ANYBODY. - YEAH, BUT I--I CAN'T BETEAM CAPTAIN. I-I SUCK AT EVERYTHING. - NOT AT THIS, YOU DON'T. WHAT ABOUT THAT CREAMY FILLINGYOU TALKED ABOUT? THAT GOOEY GOODNESS INSIDE YOU THAT MAKES YOU THE BUTTERIESTBUTTERS WE KNOW? - IT'S IN THERE.IT'S OVERFLOWING SOMETIMES. - WE NEED YOU, BUTTERS.YOU'RE THE MAN. - BUTTERS! BUTTERS!BUTTERS! BUTTERS! [overlapping chatter] - I LOVE YOU, BUTTERS! - LOVE YOU TOO, LADIES.MWAH. - OH, BUTTERS! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUTTHE CAPTAIN OF SPORTS TEAMS! - LEAVE HIM ALONE, WENDY.HE'S MINE! [kisses] - WHOO-HOO! WHA--WHA--WHA--WHAT?WHAT? OH. OH. DAD!IT HAPPENED AGAIN! [door opens] MORE OF MY CREAMY GOOCAME OUT. - OH. WELL, UH, THAT'S OKAY,BUTTERS. REMEMBERWHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. SOMETIMES OUR HAPPY CREAMYFEELING JUST GETS SO FULL, IT COMES OUT AT NIGHT. - I WAS HAVING HAPPY DREAMSABOUT A GIRL AND-- - ALL RIGHT, BUTTERS,IT'S--IT'S HAPPY FEELINGS. LET'S JUST NOT TALK ABOUT IT.- OKAY, DAD! OOH, SAVE THAT FOR LATER!

[orchestral music] - THE SCORE IS ZERO TO ZERO, AS THE STEELERS KICK OFFTO THE BRONCOS. - GO, BRONCOS, GO. - MANNING HAS THE BALL. HE'S SAYING SOME REALLY GREATTHINGS ABOUT THE OTHER TEAM. MANNING MET BYLAMAR WOODLEY. HE'S GIVING THE BALLOONTO WOODLEY! THE REFEREE COMES IN.[whistle blows] OH, THE REFEREE IS CALLINGTHAT A TOUCHDOWN! OH, WAIT, NOW ANOTHER OFFICIALIS SIGNALING THAT'S A SAFETY. - OH, YEAH, NICE GOING,REPLACEMENT REFS! - THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO SORTTHIS ONE OUT WITH THE SIDE JUDGE. - FUCK IT.IT'S A FUCKING FIELD GOAL. - YEAH! YEAH! WHOO! [camera shutter clicking] - COACH, 3-0 VICTORYOVER THE STEELERS. YOU MUST FEELLIKE A REAL WINNER. - YEAH, WELL, THE OTHER TEAMWAS JUST SO AWESOME ON OFFENSE, I WAS REALLY SCARED. - COACH BELICHICK SAYS, "NO WAYWE CAN BEAT THE BRONCOS. THEY'VE HAD THE SAME COACHFOR ALMOST A DAY." - OH, YEAH, I'M JUST THE GUYWHO INVENTED SARCASTABALL. THERE'S NO WAY I KNOWHOW TO COACH IT. - GUESS WE'LL FIND OUTON SUNDAY. - YEAH. ALL RIGHT, GUYS,LISTEN UP. FORGET ABOUT THE DAY OFF.WE NEED TO PRACTICE TOMORROW! - AWWWW! - PRACTICE ON MONDAYAFTER A VICTORY? GREAT. - THAT'S GOOD, PEYTON,BUT WE NEED TO GET BETTER. - PRACTICE ON MONDAY?THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANNA DO. - THAT'S IT!

- HEY, BUTTERS,YOU GOT A MINUTE? - SURE, ERIC! - I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. KIDS ARE STARTING TOMAKE FUN OF ME BECAUSE I'M NO GOODAT SARCASTABALL. I SUCK AT BEING NICEAND POLITE. I'M SO GOOD AT SUCKING, I SHOULDWORK AT A THAI MASSAGE PARLOR. - OH, NO, ERIC, YOU'RE--YOU'RE A GREAT PLAYER. - NO, I JUST DON'T HAVETHE MOJO YOU HAVE, BUTTERS. - OH, WELL, ERIC,I TOLD YOU, EVERYONE HAS A CREAMY FILLINGINSIDE THEM, WHERE ALL THE FEELINGS OFCOMPASSION AND JOY COME FROM. DIDN'T YOUR DADEVER TELL YOU THAT? - I DON'T HAVE A DAD. - OH, RIGHT.I'M SORRY. WELL, EVERYONE HASA CREAMY FILLING, ERIC. AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCHOF THAT FEELING THAT IT COMES OUT SOMETIMES. A LOT OF TIMES,WHEN I GO TO SLEEP, AND ESPECIALLY IF I'M HAVINGWONDERFUL DREAMS THAT MAKE ME FEELREALLY GOOD, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP, AND WHEN I WAKE UP, I REALIZESOME OF MY GOO HAS COME OUT. OH, JEEZ,THERE'S A LOT THIS TIME! BUT I ALWAYS MAKE SUREI KEEP IT, JUST IN CASE I EVER RUN OUT OFALL MY HAPPY SUNSHINE FEELINGS. - YOU SAVE IT ALL? - MY GOO DOESN'T COME OUTEVERY NIGHT, BUT I SURE DO SEEM TO HAVEA SURPLUS OF IT. - BUTTERS, DO YOU THINK YOUR GOOMIGHT WORK ON SOMEONE ELSE? - I DON'T KNOW. I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF ITTHAT WAY. - [sniffs] [smacks lips] HMM. IT'S KIND OF A GRAPE-Y,BLEACH-Y FLAVOR. - DO YOU FEEL WARMAND COMPASSIONATE? - [smacks lips] HOLY SHIT, I THINK I DO.

- WELCOME BACK TO ROME. WE'RE GONNA TALKSOME SARCASTABALL. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT TO TALKSARCASTABALL, BECAUSEIT'S REALLY COMPELLING. JOINING ME NOW IS THE COACHOF THE DENVER BRONCOS AND THE INVENTOR OFSARCASTABALL, RANDY MARSH. THANKS FOR CALLIN' IN,RANDY. REALLY HAPPY TO HAVE YOUON THE SHOW. - YEAH, IT'S AWESOME TO BEON YOUR SHOW. - RANDY, FIRST OFF, THANKS FORTAKING A SPORT THAT WE ALL LOVE AND TURNING IT INTOA SARCASTIC NIGHTMARE. WAY TO GO.- THANKS, JIM. 'CAUSE IT'S TOTALLYWHAT I INTENDED. YOU KNOW, WHEN I CAME UPWITH THE IDEA, I WAS SURE IT WAS GONNA END UPLIKE THIS. - WELL, IT CERTAINLY MAKESFOR AN EXCITING GAME. HOW ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S NAILBITER THAT ENDED 0-0? THAT'S A GAMEI WANNA WATCH TWICE. THAT'S A GAME I WANNA WATCHFOUR TIMES. CHECK THAT. I'LL WATCHTHAT GAME FIVE TIMES. GOOD LUCK ON SUNDAY. I'M SURE THAT'LL BEANOTHER GAME THAT I COULD WATCH 12 TIMES. CHECK THAT, 13 TIMES. - THANKS, JIM. [typing] - RANDY, AREN'T YOU GONNA COMEJOIN YOUR FAMILY FOR DINNER? - OH, YEAH, I'VE TOTALLY GOTTIME TO DO THAT, SHARON. IN FACT, HOW ABOUT I GODOWNSTAIRS AND MAKE A FOUR-COURSE MEALFOR ALL OF YOU? CHECK THAT.A SEVEN-COURSE MEAL. - RANDY,SOMETHING'S HAPPENED. ARE YOU UNABLE TO STOPBEING SARCASTIC? - OH, RIGHT, I CAN'T STOPBEING SARCASTIC NOW. - I'M TELLING YOU, RANDY,I THINK THIS SPORT IS DOING SOMETHINGTO YOUR BRAIN. - RIGHT, IT'S DOING SOMETHINGTO MY BRAIN, AND NOW I CAN'T STOPBEING SARCASTIC. - DO YOU MEAN THAT? - YES! I TOTALLY MEAN IT! HELP ME, SHARON.HELP ME.

TELL 'EM HOW MUCHYOU LIKE THEIR OUTFITS! CLYDE!TOKEN! HUG THOSE TWO PLAYERS AND GIVETHEIR QUARTERBACK A KISS! [whistle blows] - AWWWW! - CARTMAN, YOU IDIOT! - STAY POSITIVE, STAN! ALL RIGHT, GUYS,CUDDLE UP! CUDDLE UP! NOW, WHAT IS GOING ONOUT THERE? - THAT KID IS PROVOKING US! HE'S SAYING MEAN THINGSTO TRY TO PISS US OFF. - YEAH. WE NEED MORE OFYOUR MOJO, BUTTERS. - OH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,HERE YA GO.

- UH-HUH. HMM. I'M SORRY, MR. MARSH, BUT THERE APPEARS TO BEPERMANENT DAMAGE. - OH, BOY, THIS IS GREAT. MY WEEK JUST KEEPSGETTING BETTER. - HOW DO WE FIX THIS,DOCTOR? - YOU DON'T.I'M SORRY. THERE JUST ISN'TENOUGH RESEARCH IN HOW SARCASM AFFECTSTHE BRAIN. - SO, THAT'S IT. I SHOULD JUST GO HOME AND FORGET ABOUT WHATTHIS SPORT HAS DONE TO ME, LET THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE PLAYSARCASTABALL AND GET HURT TOO. - OH, REALLY, YOU THINKTHERE'S A CORRELATION BETWEEN SARCASMAND SARCASTABALL? REALLY? THAT'S FASCINATING.PLEASE GO ON. - NO, SARCASTABALL HASNOTHING TO DO WITH IT. I JUST--I JUST REALLY ENJOYBEING SARCASTIC AND SO I MUST BEFINDING AN EXCUSE. - YOU KNOW, I HAVE A 50-YEAR-OLDALZHEIMER'S PATIENT OUT IN THE WAITING ROOM WHOCAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS FAMILY, BUT LET'S FORGET ABOUT HIMAND FOCUS ON HOW SARCASTABALL MIGHT BE DAMAGINGPEOPLE'S BRAINS. - MY SON IS OUT THERE,PLAYING THAT GAME. IT'S HEARTWARMING TO SEE YOU HAVE SUCH HIGH REGARDFOR HIS SAFETY! - OKAY.WELL, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA. LET'S GET ALL THE FUNDINGFOR CANCER RESEARCH AND GENETIC DISEASES--LET'S TAKE ALL THAT MONEY AND MAKE COMMERCIALSTHAT SAY "HEY, AMERICA, SARCASM MIGHT NOT BE SUCHA GREAT THING FOR YOUR BRAIN." - THANK YOU, DOCTOR.THANK YOU SO MUCH!

- JIM ROME HERE. HEY, I LOVE SARCASTABALLJUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT SOMETIMESIT'S SO THRILLING, I NEED AN EXTRA BURST OF ENERGYTO GET ME THROUGH A GAME. THAT'S WHEN I REACHFOR A BOTTLE OF THIS. BUTTERS CREAMY GOO. YOU PLAY HARD. YOU NEED A SPORTS DRINK THATGIVES YOU THAT EXTRA BOOST. SPORTS THESE DAYS AREALL ABOUT BEING NICE, SO TAKE YOUR GAME TO THE NEXTLEVEL WITH BUTTERS CREAMY GOO. YOU'LL BE FILLED WITH FEELINGSOF GOOD TIDINGS AND BE NICERTHAN A RAY OF SUNSHINE. - LIKE ME! - GET WITH IT,AND GET THE GOO. BUTTERS CREAMY GOOIS CHOCKFULL OF ALL THE ESSENTIALSAN ATHLETE NEEDS. AND NOW IT'S AVAILABLEIN QUART SIZE. - WHEN I GET HOT AND TIRED, ONLY ONE THING CAN BOOSTMY COMPASSION. NOW I'M BACK IN THE GAME! - ♪ GO AND CHUG A BOTTLE OFBUTTERS CREAMY GOO ♪

SUNSHINEAND HAPPY THOUGHTS! SUNSHINE AND HAPPY THOUGHTS,HUT! OH, NO! THAT KID'SGOING TO INTERCEPT IT! GOOD JOB, KID! [thud]- STAN? STAN! - DAD? - GET IN THE CAR, STAN. WE'RE GOING HOME.- WHAT? - WE'RE SORRY, STANLEY, WE DON'T WANT YOU PLAYINGTHIS SPORT ANYMORE. - HEY, GET OFF THE FIELD,MKAY! - EVERYONE!EVERYONE, LISTEN! THERE'S SOMETHING YOU ALL NEEDTO KNOW ABOUT SARCASTABALL. IT TURNS OUTIT'S TOTALLY SAFE. YEAH, IT'S SUPER SAFE. IT'S, LIKE, SO SAFE THAT WESHOULD HAVE EVERY KID PLAY IT. SORRY, SORRY. HANG ON. GOTTA NOT BE SO SARCASTIC. [clears throat]LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN. LISTEN, EVERYONE, IF YOU LETYOUR KIDS PLAY SARCASTABALL, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' GENIUS. OH! [groans]CUT, SORRY. TRY THIS AGAIN.[clears throat] LOOK, WHAT I'M TRYINGTO SAY IS, WE SHOULD HAVE, LIKE,TEN SARCASTABALL LEAGUES, BECAUSE THEN EVERYONE--GOD DAMN IT! - STANLEY, JUST GET YOUR THINGSAND COME ON. WE'RE GOING HOME. - WHOA, YOU CAN'T TELL MEWHAT TO DO! - YEAH, WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.WE CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. - DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS SPORTHAS DONE TO YOUR FATHER? - DO YOU WANT TO END UPLIKE HIM? - OH, RIGHT,LIKE HE DOESN'T EXAGGERATE EVERY DISEASE HE GETS. - OH, RANDY!IT'S HAPPENING! [crying] - MR. MARSH, LISTEN. I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SON,BUT HE'S A HECK OF A PLAYER. HE'S GOOD AT TICKLING, LAUGHING,AND GETTIN' ALONG. - LOOK, THE POINTHAS BEEN MADE, OKAY? I'M WARNING YOU, BEING THISSARCASTIC IS DANGEROUS. - WE'RE NOT BEING SARCASTIC,DAD! IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT WE REALLY ENJOY A SPORTTHAT HAS NO VIOLENCE? IS IT SO HARD FOR YOUTO BELIEVE THAT WHEN BUTTERS SAYS COMPETITIVENESS CAN BECOMPASSIONATE, HE'S BEINGCOMPLETELY SINCERE? - I DON'T SEE HOW ANYONECOULD PLAY THIS GAME WITH ANY SINCERITY. - THAT'S BECAUSEYOU'RE TOO GRUMPY AND NEGATIVE TO BELIEVE IT. WHAT YOU NEEDIS A SPORTS DRINK THAT CAN BOOST YOUR LEVELS OFCARING AND GOODNESS. - YEAH, DAD,YOU NEED SOME OF THIS. - [groans] THIS IS CUM.