Harry Potter: Worse Than Hitler?

Now that a few years have passed since the final movie was released and all the secrets are out, I feel it is finally time for me to weigh in on one of the most controversial films in the history of cinema: Harry Potter.

There are primarily two schools of thought about this story’s protagonist:

1.) Harry Potter is a brave little boy fighting against impossible odds, his only weapons being a mother’s love, friendship, and the will to survive.

2.) Harry Potter is a toadying catamite who manages (in spite of himself) to overcome a nearly invincible adversary by sheer dumb luck and coincidence, haplessly falling ass backwards into an impossibly elaborate scheme concocted by a shadowy and godlike mentor figure.

To which I would add this third possibility:

3.) Harry Potter is nothing more than a cruel bully with an insatiable bloodlust and thirst for vengeance!

It all started with that pesky prophecy: “Neither can live while the other survives.” Okay, say you’re poor Lord Voldemort and you hear this. What would you do?

Are you going to go to this brat’s house and smash his brains in? Fucking A right you are! I mean, that’s tantamount to a threat on your life. If it’s him or you, are any of you going to tell me you honestly wouldn’t do the same? You’re liars! You are fucking liars!

Everybody knows that a baby’s life is less important than a full-grown human’s. That’s why nobody gets upset about abortion. If baby Harry Potter dies, his parents are going to be sad, but they will get over it. They can have more kids if they want, it’s no big deal.

Lord Voldemort is the head magic guy for the entire evil magic corporation that they’ve got over there! That’s hundreds of lost jobs and wages. That’s an entire company which has to be restructured. We are talking months and months of lost productivity that we can’t afford, especially in this economy.

Sentimentality aside, if Harry Potter is the one who dies, Ol’ Voldy’s practically doing his parents a favor: no more dirty diapers to change, no more midnight feedings! I read that it costs half a mil to raise a child over his entire life. Even in magic money, that’s a lot of dough. So it is clear that Lord Voldemort is entirely justified in his actions. Sadly, it didn’t quite go according to his plan.

So what does this Harry Potter punk do when he gets older? He repeatedly and openly swears vengeance on a private citizen, flouting the rules of a civil society to the thunderous applause of the people around him. The very same people who are supposed to be responsible for his upbringing!

Hey, whatever happened to “live and let live,” Professor McGonagall? Or even “don’t take the law into your own hands?” They not only encourage him in his vigilantism by willfully turning their backs on his misdeeds, they go so far as to “instruct” and “educate” him in the magical arts! And might I add with the full knowledge that he could and most likely will use these skills he learned to act out his childish vendetta on a self-made man just trying to go about his business and make his own way in the world!

I’ll spare you the lurid details of what happens next. Suffice it to say, once Harry and his chums have wandered the countryside, vandalizing many of Lord Voldemort’s most prized possessions, Harry inevitably fulfills his destiny by mercilessly attacking a helpless and defenseless old man with such poor bone health and frail skin, that he literally crumbles to pieces. Sickening. Are you proud of yourself? You’ve vanquished the one person with the balls to stand up to you. Have fun banging your best friend’s sister, you creep.