Introduction to this module





This module explores our feelings about having sex and being intimate after we have been subjected to sexual violence and abuse.









Warm up task





General task: How do you think being sexually abused or assaulted might impact someone's sex life?





Personal task: Write or think about your feelings towards sex and sexual contact. Do you enjoy it? Are there any parts of sex or intimacy you do not enjoy?









Why should we talk about having sex after we have been through abuse and sexual traumas?





When we have been subjected to sexual traumas and we disclose or seek help, lots of our conversations become about the rapes, abuse and assaults. Professionals talk to us about the sexual violence. Police talk to us about sexual violence. We think about the sexual violence. We can easily become engulfed by harmful and traumatic memories, conversations and images of sex. However, lots of us will go on to have healthy and happy sex lives. For this reason, it is important to have space to think and talk about having sex after sexual violence.





Secondly, it is completely normal and very common for our sex lives to be harmed by sexual violence and abuse we have been subjected to. Everyone is different in the way they cope with sex after sexual violence, but what is known is that most of us have never spoken to anyone about our sex lives after we were raped or abused. For this reason again, it is important to have information about having sex or being intimate after we have been abused by someone.









Can some people have good sex after they were raped or abused?





Absolutely. My research with 756 men and women subjected to sexual violence found that just over half of the sample said that they were able to have enjoyable, pleasurable sex with partners since they were raped and abused. However, this did mean that around half of those people were struggling to have good, enjoyable sex, too.





The key issue here seemed to be partners. People who were able to have good sex after rape and abuse had found partners who were respectful, who listened to them and who honoured their boundaries. This meant often asking them if they were okay, whether they consented and whether they were enjoying the sex. People who had partners who listened and cared about their experiences of sexual violence were having better sex too, especially where the person was able to tell their partner their triggers or boundaries.









Do other people get triggered or have flashbacks when they are having sex or being intimate?





Yes, this is very common. My research found that out of 756 people, 76% of them were having flashbacks or were being triggered during sex or sexual contact with partners. Over three quarters of people were experiencing these triggers and flashbacks.





This is normal, but most people reported them as being very distressing. Some triggers are easier than others to figure out. Some people knew what their triggers were during sex or sexual contact and avoided them at all costs (the smell of cigarettes, for example). However, others took years to learn their triggers or were still having flashbacks and triggers that they didn't understand or couldn't control.









How are people coping with having sex or being intimate?





Everyone was very different. Having sex meant different things to different people, and so their ways of coping differed too. Below are some of the most common responses to the research and how people explained they were coping with sex or being intimate:





'I don't have sex at all. I avoid it. I haven't been in a relationship since.'

'I get into relationships but I don't have sexual relationships.'

'I get really drunk or high before I have sex.'

'I just grit my teeth and get on with it.'

'I cut myself after sex.'

'I only allow my partner to do certain things.'

'I told my partner what my triggers were and what I didn't want them to do and they listened to me. Now I am having the best sex in my life.'

'When I need to stop, my partner just stops and gives me a massive hug.'

'I don't know how to cope with it, I don't know what to do.'

As you can see from this list of real responses to the research, everyone was very different. However, there were some answers that were cause for concern. The answers about getting really drunk, high, cutting themselves or gritting their teeth and getting on with it meant that none of those people were truly consenting to sex. We only consent to sex when we have full information, capacity and freedom to make a choice - and most importantly - when we really want to have sex. For lots of these people, they were having sex because they felt obliged to do so, or felt they should. They were not enjoying it and were using lots of tactics to cope with sex they didn't really want to have. This is traumatic, too.





There were people who wrote that they were abstaining from sex or had made decisions not to get into any more personal relationships. This is completely normal and very common. There is no rule which states that we must be in relationships with people, or have sex with people. Many people live long, happy lives whilst choosing not to have sex or intimate relationships. If sex is traumatic for us, or being in a relationship makes us feel worse, we do not have to put ourselves through either sex or relationships if we do not want them.









I think the abuse or rape changed my sexual preferences or sexuality - is this normal?





Lots of people in the research study wrote about the way the sexual violence had changed their sexualities, identities or sexual preferences. There is currently not a lot of research about this other than this one large study. However, it was a common answer in this large study. Men and women wrote about how they felt the abuse changed who they were attracted to, what types of sex they enjoy and how the abuse changed their own understanding of their identity.





From a trauma-informed perspective, it is rational and normal for the sexual abuse we have endured to change the way we feel about sex, our sexuality and the type of sex we enjoy or prefer. For example, there were people in the study who avoided sex with people who were the same sex as their abuser. There were also people in the study who wondered if the abuse influenced their attraction to a particular sex. Further, there were people in the data who were questioning their sexuality but were too scared to meet people of the same sex in case it triggered them. Whilst everyone was very different, sexuality and sexual preferences came up a lot in the data, with over 89% of the sample talking about this in their answers.









I have noticed that I prefer violent, rough and degrading sex that is like the abuse or rape. Is this common?





This is common. However, how you feel about this is important. Lots of people in the research study wrote about this issue and most of them were confused about what it meant. Some people wrote about the way they had become accustomed to violent, degrading or rough sex since being abused or trafficked. However, they did not say they enjoyed it, just that they were used to it, or had normalised it. A lot of people talked about the way they had been abused, used and exploited for so long during abuse, exploitation or trafficking that they were used to being harmed and hurt during sex. They questioned whether they enjoyed it or whether they had learned to cope with it over the years.







However, some people wrote in the study that they enjoyed sex acts that replicated their abuse or things that abusers had done to them in the past. This is a complex phenomenon and there is little research about why this might happen or why some of us might feel like this.





Should I tell my partner that I have been raped or abused?





This is absolutely your choice. If you are with a partner who has been respectful, open and non-judgemental about other personal matters and you feel you would like to talk to them about this, it is your choice to do so. Many people in the study found that when they had a loving and respectful partner, telling them that they had been raped or abused really helped their sex lives. However, some people in the study told partners and their partners did not support or respect them, which led to sex and relationships that were abusive and harmful.





However your partner reacts, it is not your fault and it is not your responsibility. If they do love you and respect you, they will listen, learn and respect your boundaries, wants and needs. If you do tell them about the sexual violence and they are not supportive, they do not believe you, they blame you or they ignore your boundaries - this is a red flag for an abuser and if you can, you need to do all you can to protect yourself and seek support to leave them.





Bear in mind that lots of partners don't really know what to say or how to support their partners when they disclose rape or abuse. If you have told a partner who loves you and respects you but they do not know what to say or how to support you, it might be worth seeking support together. This is different from a partner who is uncaring or does not respect your boundaries.







