Putin Opens Bridge to White House, Cementing Russia’s Hold on Neighbor

May 16, 2018

MOSCOW — President Vladimir Putin on Tuesday opened a $4 trillion bridge directly linking Russia to the White House.

Days ago, Putin, wearing tough guy jeans and a jacket, stood on the Russian end of the four-lane bridge with Arkady Rotenberg, the bridge's architect and Putin's former judo partner.

Putin then hopped into an orange Kamaz dump truck and drove across the 2600-mile-long bridge right to the White House where he pressed a button and dumped his country’s garbage onto the grass of the South Lawn.

It was a made-for-TV event, designed to showcase Putin’s might. Russian state television Fox News broadcast live from a camera mounted inside the truck as Putin drove the sturdy machine for three days straight, without sleeping, living only off bear fat and vodka, before descending down the bridge's final arch where he greeted his awaiting Russian state representative: US President Donald Trump.

Starting Wednesday morning, up to 40,000 cars a day are be able to cross the bridge, drastically reducing the time it takes Russians to reach the White House, which until now was accessible only by plane, ferry, or lobbyists.

Kremlin’s spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders told journalists that “The bridge, paid for by Americans, proves that even the most ambitious plans can be realized if they are implemented by Putin.”

Putin’s annex of the White House is not without contention, for the building is technically the property of the United States of America, since it serves as the seat of the US federal executive office, one of the country's three branches of representative democracy.

President Trump dismissed any such scandal, simply stating that “This is the hugest bridge. Americans will now get a fast lane to becoming Russian citizens. This bridge is so huge it goes right over the wall I am building to keep out Mexicans.”

Before sneaking into the Oval Office, as Trump's small hands grasped upon Putin's pinkie, the Russian leader added, "Finally, a bridge to somewhere."