SPRINGDALE, AR—Responding to activists’ demands that they discontinue the use of cramped pens and give their poultry space to roam freely, executives at Tyson Foods moved quickly Tuesday to assure critics that their chickens are physically incapable of walking even if they had enough room to do so. “While we appreciate the public’s concern about how much space is allotted to our poultry, I want to take this opportunity to put our customers’ minds at ease by clarifying that our weak, cardiovascularly overburdened birds have never possessed the ability to stand up on their own, let alone move around an open field,” said Executive Vice President of Operation Services Mike Roetzel, urging anxious consumers not to worry, as the crowded conditions in the company’s enclosures—in which tens of thousands of animals are packed tightly against one another—actually help keep the chickens propped upright and prevent their frail bodies from rolling helplessly onto their sides. “I want all Tyson customers to understand that any attempt by our chickens to wander around any expanse of space would actually cause them excruciating pain, considering how their legs are incapable of sustaining the abnormally heavy weight of their genetically manipulated bodies. It’s actually in our birds’ best interest that they are kept as still as possible, as any fall is liable to shatter their already stressed and deformed skeletal structures.” Roetzel went on to assure consumers that Tyson Foods was not, as some critics have claimed, pumping its chickens with excessive amounts of antibiotics, noting that the company only used as many drugs as were necessary to keep the birds alive amid the rampant bacterial contamination of residing in steadily accumulating pools of their own fecal waste.

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