Feeling lonely? Tired of being single? Can’t stand romantic comedies? UW student Tommy Winters felt like this too, so he decided to do something about it. Winters decided to organize an orgy.

Winters got the idea sometime after Valentine’s Day when all of his friends were complaining about being lonely single and lonely. He saw that there were all these single people who were hanging out together. “It just hit me like a bolt of sexy lightning.”

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Through a survey, Winters gathered the necessary data he needed to carry out his stroke of genius. He sent it out to the mass e-mail list – which of course the prudes of the campus can take themselves off through their student center. The results only affirmed Winters’s suspicions and he knew drastic actions had to be taken: Winters organized an orgy.

Physical contact, such as hugging or mouth-hugging, has been shown to release a hormone called “oxytocin”. The hormone is often referred to as the “love hormone” and goes unnoticed by most people. However, the hormone has been shown to improve confidence, generosity, trustworthiness and overall happiness. UW Professor and sex expert, Michael Hunt, has written numerous journal articles on “orgy therapy” where he believes that “orgies, even if they don’t involve penetration, could cure depression, improve one’s immune system and increase the time it takes to solve a Rubik’s cube”. Hunt thinks that orgies are one of the greatest resources that this famously attractive and liberal university has to offer.

“The first orgy I organized didn’t get the most people as you can imagine, but it was a good group of ten people in my dorm in Lucky. But after that first orgy, popularity began to grow and now I schedule an average of 20 or 30 orgies a week with an average of about 15 to 20 people!”

Winters added, “Don’t even get me started on Mifflin. Soglin can try to stop the students from partying on Mifflin, but he can’t stop them from having orgies on Mifflin.”

Winters established rules for the orgies that are only to be broken if the whole group unanimously agrees to. The rules of the orgies are simple, such as showering before participating in an orgy and no fingers in the butt without an explicit request. But participants have praised Winters’s system, claiming that he’s taken something so taboo and scary and made it into something comfortable and fun.

“I love it. I don’t have sex so I always thought that orgies wouldn’t be my thing, you know?” UW sophomore, Erin Slezinski, told The Madison Misnomer. “Everyone follows the rules and is super nice and respectful and willing to go down on a girl without expecting any gross blow job in return!”

As expected, Winters has received a fair amount of criticism. The religious groups on campus, such as Badger Catholic and Badger Cru, claim that the bible probably says something about orgies being wrong somewhere. Badger Cru member, Sarah Mack, said, “I’m sure it’s in the bible. Um, here let me look . . . nope, not there . . . ‘your breasts are like two fawns’, ignoring that. . . okay, look, I can’t find a good verse that says the orgies are wrong, but they have to be. They have to be, right?”

Even former participants have criticized the orgies. Former participant, Chad Pappenfuss, was asked to stop participating in the orgies for “creating an unsafe and uncomfortable environment”, “not being respectful” and simply “making it weird”.

“Yo, that was some bull shit. Who do they think they are to tell me that I can’t enjoy a room full of slam pieces? There are some fucking fine ass hotties that need a good dickin’ in these orgies. And it is not crazy that I don’t want to see another dude’s dick while I’m bangin’ a ho. Whatever. I don’t need ‘em. Or this interview. No, I’m not crying!”

As for now, Winters says the orgies are going strong and everyone is getting exactly what they need from them. He’s very happy with the wide variety of participants that he’s getting, from people who are really into rough anal (They are meeting this Friday at 9PM in 1924 Reception Room at The Memorial Union) to some that are just into cuddling in underwear (They are meeting this Thursday at 8:30 PM in the Main Lounge in Ogg Hall).

“Yeah, it’s fun to say I’ve been to a lipstick party, but that’s not what this is about.” Winters told The Madison Misnomer, “We’re all consenting adults with needs. We just needed someone like me to suggest an orgy and point out that it’s not that weird.”