You haven’t earned your spot in our country till you check all the boxes

Being an Indian involves embracing the bad with the worse. We are a diverse lot and yet there are some classic antics that make us stand out on the international stage. Here’s what I’ve come up with; feel free to add.

Marriage: It’s okay to ask someone their marital status within the first two minutes of meeting them, but wait till the third minute to question why the person is above 30 and single. En suite, suggest a few matches. If said person is married, probe about children and if none yet, probe encore.

Home performances: As a kid I was routinely summoned by my parents to the drawing room to make me sing, dance or do something equally inane, all for the amusement of complete strangers who were somehow related to us. This recurring life-scarring episode was part of shaping all of us as Indians.

Numeric probing: Age, salary, price of your latest acquisition — Indians love numbers and won’t hesitate to ask them. This is not rudeness, it’s innocent frankness at its sincerest. It’s important to know because how else will you impress upon them that you could’ve worked out a better deal for them.

Queueing: Unlike the British who can make an orderly queue of one, Indians believe that the healthier alternative is bunching. Just crowd around and jostle; makes for a more meaningful experience when you actually manage to achieve anything through such strife than boring queues. But if you must queue, it is perfectly acceptable to nudge the person in front with your protruding belly, if only as a subtle acknowledgement of your ever-looming presence on their heels, thus keeping them on their toes.

Cricket, Bollywood, politics: You need to be constantly updated on this trifecta of all Indian conversations. In all three aspects, your choice is the only one that matters, for everyone else is plain wrong and it’s your brown burden to educate them, be it at a soirée or on a train journey, especially if it’s someone you’ve never met before or ever will again. With cricket, love a player till he makes one small error and then you drop him harder than his ex-girlfriend. And who doesn’t love Bollywood, right?

Parties: When playing host, suggest an invitation time at least an hour before you really want to see your guests. By corollary, when going to someone’s house, it’s rude to turn up on time. Like Daylight savings, adjust and be late. Further, it’s impolite to serve food before midnight and ruder still to linger after you’ve eaten. Digestives are for people with weak constitutions.

Directions: If someone stops and asks for directions, it’s our moral obligation to proffer them with alacrity even if we’ve never heard of the place. At the same time, when driving and hopelessly lost, refrain from asking for directions.

Shoes on or off: Most homes have rules on this, but they can be relaxed if they see you as (a) rich (b) fair or (c) both, in which case you’re a prospective groom for their ageing 24-year-old worthless-mouth-to-feed of a daughter.

Public spaces: You (maybe) pay your taxes, and in any case, public spaces are your private domain. Talk loudly, discuss all from business deals to bunions. Abuse profanely, it shows sincerity. Spit and other projectiles must be egested immediately and let gravity decide where they land. A good Indian can spit without getting any stains on his whites.

Gratitude: Reserve all reverence for the gods and maybe the cows; fellow humans aren’t worth wasting manners on. Politeness is like a favour, if you don’t acknowledge it, then you don’t owe it.