Everyone give it up for our long-suffering video editor, Oliver Noble, because he’s really outdone himself this time. Oliver watched every Steven Seagal movie in its entirety — an undertaking the psychological effects of which scientists are only beginning to understand — in order to compile every bone break in every Steven Seagal movie. CAN YOU GUESS HOW MANY BONES STEVEN SEAGAL HAS BROKEN? Better yet, CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY TONY DID BOBBY LUPO??

(*puts pool ball in sock, swings it angrily at cats*)

I hope you all enjoy this little game, because Oliver will never be the same (you may notice from the opening titles that the sleep deprivation may have affected his grasp of grammar). He now looks at every stranger as a potential encroacher on sacred Indian land; holds all utensils pointy-side down, like the Tommy Lee Jones-knife-fight scene from Under Siege. Last I saw him, he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing a plus-sized kimono, slowly rocking himself back and forth, muttering, “Me want the poonani, me want the poonani…”