Everyone loves the story of Snow White, the epic, bloody adventure in which a jaded, raven-haired hipster is banished to the forest where she learns kung-fu and the art of war in order to take revenge on a wicked queen with a thing for plastic surgery and dramatic line readings. With the help of a huntsman, Snow White is able to amass a large army and mount a beachside offensive on the queen’s fortress…

Sound familiar? It shouldn’t. Once again, Hollywood has taken liberties with a beloved childhood property in order to squeeze a few more dollars out of our collective nostalgia. And, to add insult to injury, they’re doing it twice, releasing Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror, Mirror back-to-back for double the fun.

Sure, Charlize Theron is a welcome sight in any movie. And when she isn’t leading with her teeth, Julia Roberts can be tolerable too. But make no mistake: in this Snow White battle royal there are no winners. These movies have serious issues. Below I detail the top three.

1. Bad British-ish Accents

The snarky assholes over at Gawker called the accents in these two movies “Costnerian” in reference to Kevin Costner’s pitchy vocal performance in Robin Hood. I think that’s being generous. Julia Roberts has an excuse since the closest she’s probably come to England is her DVD collection of Monty Python. But Charlize is South African and should basically have this generic European accent stuff down to a science. I think the equation goes something like:

1 part Shakespearean foppery + 1 part British snobbery + 1 part Aussie arrogance – eyerolling sarcasm = Generic European Accent (GEA)

2. Weird Beauty Standards

Ok, this is going to be a controversial one, but stay with me. Does anyone else think it’s weird that they picked these two actresses for the parts of Snow White in their respective movies? Yeah, Mirror, Mirror‘s Lily “Eyebrows” Collins is decent looking and Kristen Stewart brings her usual burnout sexiness to her movie. But Snow White was supposed to be so beautiful and pure of spirit that the queen pulled out all the stops to have her killed.

Ladies, when was the last time you walked down the street and saw a girl that was so pretty that you pulled out a gun and shot her down in the broad daylight in a jealous rage? Probably never. And even if you did, I bet that girl didn’t have huge eyebrows. To warrant death, this hypothetical girl would have to look way better than these actresses. Even Charlize Theron. Which brings us to the next issue:

Not to be an asshole, but they sure made their jobs harder when they cast Charlize Theron as the Wicked Queen. Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive Charlize Theron is supposed to be jealous of Kristen Stewart’s looks? Julia Roberts is supposed to be the fairest of them all until Snow White comes along? I see 10 women better looking than Julia Roberts every day on my way from the shower to the bathroom sink. I know this is fantasy, but come on.

3. Snow White: Warrior Princess?

Women are powerful beings capable of great empathy and unbelievable feats of strength. But does every female archetype have to be updated to make her a master of hand-to-hand combat? I could be remembering this incorrectly, but I thought helpnessness was sort of Snow White’s thing. It’s kinda why they had the prince and dwarf characters to begin with. Do these movies even need princes at all? I guess not. Come on, princes from fairytales. Let’s go grab a beer. The princesses all know kung-fu now. They don’t need us anymore!

Am I wrong? Check out the new trailers below and let me know what you think.