Alabama—the state most recently spotlighted for boldly aborting women’s rights with its new abortion laws—is taking it one step further with an amendment that will ban skydivers from aborting parachutes.

“This is a real victory for our community,” said the FAA regional spokesperson Jay Ivey—no relation to Kay Ivey, the Alabama governor who just signed possibly the most restrictive abortion ban since the middle-ages—adding that, “every parachute is precious, a sacred gift from God.” Ivey later described the joy of seeing his own parachute for the first time, a joy which he experienced during his one and only tandem skydive.

The controversial bill bans jumpers from disposing of any parachute once the skydiver has exited the plane. Of course, the legislation makes provisions for life threatening situations. A parachutist may still abort a malfunctioning parachute if their life is at risk, but first must submit a formal written request to the FAA, who assures that the request will be processed with the utmost urgency by an objective panel of non-skydivers.

Graphic photo of parachute abortion

Other stipulations include restrictions on discarding partially malfunctioning or unwanted parachutes. The bill makes it illegal to discard a malfunctioning parachute that may still be land-able, even if the landing could be painful or even damaging for the parachutist. “It isn’t fair to deny any parachute the chance to fly just because the flight might be rough,” said Ivey. The bill is especially hard on those seeking to escape from premature or unexpected parachutes. “You might not be ready for a parachute, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t your responsibility. If you don’t want to deal with a parachute, don’t jump.”

Skydivers across the nation are in uproar, but their protests are being dismissed by the testimony of one doctor who states, “Their adrenaline hormone levels are too high to make rational decisions, therefore it is best to let more emotionally balanced individuals make the parachutists’ decisions for them.”

The lawmakers, regarding their right to draft such restrictions, feel uniquely qualified in that none have ever made a skydive.

Following the landmark bill, Missouri’s and Georgia’s state branches are proposing similar legislation.

Ivey credits his motivations for supporting the bill as being personal. On his tandem, his instructor severed the main parachute on the premise that he, “just couldn’t deal with it malfunctioning any longer;” an act so traumatizing that Ivey admits to crying and soiling his pants.





The above article is fictional and purely for satirical purposes. Unfortunately, the recent legislature in Alabama is not. It is everyone’s responsibility to protect our freedoms. A list of resources to help effect change can be found below:

Take action with the American Civil Liberties Union: www.aclu.org/action

Donate to Planned Parenthood: www.weareplannedparenthoodaction.org

Donate to NARAL: https://www.prochoiceamerica.org/

Call your local legislature.

Vote.

Educate.

Don’t be a dick.

