I Am Seeking to Destroy My Deep-Seated Cynicism and Ironic Detachment Via a Strict Regimen of Self-Inflicted Enthusiasm!

That is an awesome shirt! I mean that! Where did you get that shirt? Apple! I heard that in exchange for your shirt the company you bought it from will help the less fortunate! Always keep your good fortune in mind! Organic bicycles! Currently I am fighting against my feelings of cynicism regarding the kind of charitable exchange your new shirt signifies! It is good to be honest! Your shirt! I am trying to feel good about things I don’t normally feel good about! Evergreen business models! How am I doing?

Grow into your enthusiasm! Is my shouting off putting? Tickling is the cure for something! Don’t you just adore families with children? I like sitting next to groups of teenagers during movies! I believe in our politicians! People in power have only our best interests at heart! Tazers are a non-lethal and hilarious way to bring down criminals! Lard-less refried beans! Regardless of the bad someone might do, everyone deserves a second chance! Ben Bernanke!

I find my new enthusiasm streaming from me like a Pixar-produced rainbow! Don’t pancakes make you think of the words “buckwheat” and “mornings on the prairie”? Suddenly I could stare at the ocean for hours! Hello, Dr. and Mrs. Dolphin! Let’s put our heads together and solve some of our shared problems! Locally darned socks!

Yes, I believe everybody’s just trying to do their best and no one’s out to take something from someone else! Thanks for asking! The San Diego Chargers! People are not trying to hurt other people! (Yes, they are. No, they aren’t! Bono!) All pain is simply the divine’s way of asking us to do better! Ginger-powered foie gras burgers! And institutions are for us if they are not first against us! Horse-drawn carriages! I am not wasting my time on the Internet! It’s called research! Each of us has the other’s best interests in mind! Camping! The power of politeness!

I believe my hometown will make it back! Bootstraps! There is a way to work your dreams into reality! Just think about it! Help me! Oprah! Sunny Monday mornings! The smell of rotting unicorn carcasses! Huh? Eating an apple a day keeps the danger away! Traffic jams are God’s way of saying, “Hold on a second”! The effort to keep us free from terror is sincere and will end well! So will I! One thousand-grain, constipation-destroying muffins! The elliptical machine for forty-five minutes! Your neighborhood’s resident technophile! Feeling good, yes, feeling better about it!

Your car look like a protractor! Good follows the dollar! I believe that buying such a car makes a dent in one of our coming catastrophes! Lasers intercept meteors! Summer rainstorms! (What if more than this is required of us? Don’t worry so much! The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation!) People are looking out for one another! If it is meant to be it will happen! Is that the singing of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir I’m hearing? Nor am I creeped out by hordes of people wearing the same starched white shirt and matching red sweater vest! Mowing the lawn! Some days I can’t get out of bed! Frisbee golf!

It will do you good to pursue your dreams! Spanish guitar lessons! I believe in throwing naked enthusiasm at a problem! Hope is not a four-letter word! (Technically, it is. You know what we mean, asshole! Vinyl records!) The only thing to fear is the fear of oneself! Good Lord, is that a freshly baked rosemary quiche? Energy-saving air-conditioning!

The Coen brothers have not made a bad movie! What happens when we die? How am I doing? It’s all good, man! (No, it’s not. Yes!) Karaoke! Find something you love and just do it! (It’s not that simple. It’s simple, stupid! Solar-powered cement mixer!) After all, the past is passed, so what are we waiting for? You are the change you were fainting for! Keep your head up! The whole world is in your fingertip! History is a currently upward-trending line! (History is no line or circle, no piece of math at all. It is too! And, it’s recyclable and its bad parts reusable!) Commercial space travel! How am I doing? I feel suddenly weary from all the enthusiasm! Locally powered ice cream! The comeback of the musical! Help, I’m flagging! This thing could really work! Be in the now! Bless the present! All together now!