A few things are certain in this life. Among these certainties are death, taxes, and insane “Florida Man” news stories popping up almost every day. Today’s story involves a man that was confronted by police while riding a manatee. For those who are unfamiliar, a manatee is what would happen if your girlfriend could breathe underwater.

From ABC:

Police arrived and saw him “reaching for, touching and lying over top of manatees in the creek.” He first denied anybody had told him it’s illegal to ride manatees, but after a while he said, yeah, they did, but he was waiting for “somebody with a badge” to tell him to stop. The Florida Wildlife Commission officer said he was only going to issue a notice to appear in court on the misdemeanor manatee violation. But Massengale smarted off and said he wouldn’t even show up for court. Then he began to chant, “Take me to jail! Take me to jail!”

“Misdemeanor Manatee Violation” is one of the funniest phrases I’ve ever seen. By this logic, selling crack to an underage manatee would get you a Felony Manatee Violation. Unfortunately for this man, ignorance of the law is not an excuse for breaking it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the authorities whether or not anyone told him it’s illegal to ride manatees, and I’m having a hard time sympathizing with him at all.

What makes this situation more confounding is the fact that this guy was riding a sea cow, of all things. All manatees seem to do is lumber around and eat plants all day, which makes riding one akin to doing a ride-along with a parking enforcement officer. Fucking manatees, wasting our conservation efforts and tax dollars. They need to be anointed the welfare leeches of the sea as soon as possible. #MakeManateesEndangeredAgain.

[via ABC]