This literal reading of the Bible has made me think God’s a rather flatulent fellow. Two lines of Biblical evidence point me toward this conclusion.

It begins right at the beginning. The ol’ KJV has it that, before God turned the lights on, the Spirit of him was moving on the face of the waters. But most scholars say that the NRSV is a more accurate translation, so let’s turn to it to figure out what this Spirit stuff is:

¹In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, ²the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God* swept over the face of the waters.

Wind being a polite euphemism for fart, I think we all know what that means: God woke himself with a mighty fart, turned on the light, and decided to do a little light creating as he couldn’t get back to sleep. Gas-X had, of course, not yet been invented. Which may explain why he created humans in the first place.

Anyway, the Bible falls rather silent on wind for a while, leading some creationists to think there wasn’t any such thing pre-Flood. When next we encounter a Divine Wind, it’s at the end of the Flood, when God, who was seemingly as forgetful of arks as he was of fishies, suddenly remembers Noah:

8 But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and all the domestic animals that were with him in the ark. And God made a wind blow over the earth, and the waters subsided; ²the fountains of the deep and the windows of the heavens were closed, the rain from the heavens was restrained, ³and the waters gradually receded from the earth.

That all sounds rather gentle and pleasant: a nice balmy breeze to blow the awful weather away. But, since it’s the KJV creationists think of as authoritative, perhaps we should turn to a literal reading of it instead.

Oh, dear…

And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged…

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! God farted the flood away! I mean, honestly, it’s right there in good plain King’s English in the Bible wot was authorized by God: he “made a wind” and “the waters” were “asswaged.” Good Lord. “Hey, Noah, pull my finger!” No wonder creationists think volcanoes were erupting all over the place during the Flood – hate to tell ’em that stench wasn’t volcanic, nor the flatulence of millions of animals and 8 poorly-fed humans crammed in a closed container for over a year, but the foul stink of God’s mighty wind as he let one rip…

I’m almost afraid to continue a literal reading of the Bible. For years, I thought it was a divine chronicle, then considered it an eclectic collection of Bronze-age legends with a bit of Jesus myth tacked on, but it may well turn out to actually be the Tosh 2.0 Special of God, complete with fart jokes.

This explains so much about the Abrahamic religions…

*Per the NRSV note for this term, you can also translate that as “a mighty wind.” Heh.

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