''I AM NOT A FREAKING CRICKET MATCH!!!'' Once news of her frustration spread yesterday, cricket tweeters were mischievously urging people to follow @theashes for Test series updates. - See the latest updates from @theashes, as she comes to terms with her new-found stardom, including this recent entry: 'What the hell is a wicket?' Club favourite Xavier AS THE first player from South Hobart Sandy Bay to wear the baggy green, Xavier Doherty was the toast of the club last week. But he was a favourite son long before that because of his humble nature and selflessness. Take this story from club coach Michael Marshall. ''A young player at the club, their family home was burnt down, we organised an auction for the family at the club. We'd raised a bit of money but Xavier disappeared off into the car park, grabbed one of his Tasmanian Twenty20 shirts, quickly signed it and brought it back up just to add an extra item to the auction to raise a bit more money,'' he said. ''He does think and care about people at the club.'' Marshall was Doherty's club coach when the left-armer returned to grade ranks in the 2006-07 season following Jason Krejza's arrival in the Apple Isle. Marshall said while Doherty's game had improved significantly in that time, it had not changed him as a person. ''Whether it's a board member at the club or a mum or dad from the underage sides, he's always been one you can approach and have a chat to and say g'day to,'' he said. ''There's no one at the club who wouldn't feel comfortable to have a chat to him. He's just one of the boys when he's there.''

When punters rush in WHAT appeared to be a match-winning 307-run partnership between Brad Haddin and Mike Hussey on Saturday prompted one punter to plonk $80,000 on Australia to win at $1.26. TAB Sportsbet's Matt Jenkins also noted there had been ''no shortage of punters'' who splashed between $2000 and $5000 on those shortened odds. We wonder how they were feeling last night? One way to get birdie AS THE stand-out batsman in England's first innings and falling only four runs short of a double-century the previous weekend, the Australian tour has been going well for Ian Bell. But where the Australian bowlers have struggled to contain him so far, an irate bird has managed to do exactly that. When the tourists were given a day off training last Monday, Bell filled his spare time with a round of golf. While Bell started well with his clubs, his teammate Paul Collingwood revealed he did not fare so well with the wildlife.

''I've heard of man-eating sharks, venomous snakes and spiders that can kill you with a look in this part of the world but Ian Bell got the shock of his life the other day when he was attacked by a killer magpie,'' Collingwood explained in the Daily Mail. ''Standing on the 17th tee at the North Lakes golf club on Monday, we thought the sign warning us of the dangers of these birds was meant to be a gag. But 'Belly' wasn't laughing when, in a scene straight out of Alfred Hitchcock's classic horror movie The Birds, one of them swooped out of nowhere, removed his cap and sunglasses and gave him a whack around the face which left him bleeding from a cut nose. ''Sadly for Belly, he didn't get near another birdie all round.'' Health snip for coach ENGLAND coach Andy Flower missed the second and third days' play at the Gabba to have a melanoma removed from his right cheek.

Flower reportedly visited the Brisbane clinic only after prompting from the team's Australian security adviser Reg Dickason. Once the lesion under his right eye was checked out, doctors felt it best he be immediately operated on. ''Andy Flower's absence has not affected us too much. We are more worried for him than anything else,'' fast bowler James Anderson wrote in London's Sunday Telegraph. Fancy footwork ENGLISH cricket fans burning the midnight oil watching yesterday's play from the Gabba would have been woken by a blood- curdling scream - from former England captain David Gower. ''Well, so far, so good then for England,'' Gower described to the Sky Sports audience, ''after… AAAAAGGGHHH.''

After a three-second pause, Gower, so renowned for his composure while batting, regained his composure in the commentary box, too. ''Excuse me there, that was someone putting a chair on my foot. I'll give you a clue, it was Nasser Hussain,'' he explained. Hussain had arrived in the box for a new shift to replace Gower. The camera was temporarily shifted from play into the commentary box, with Hussain doubled over with laughter. As Gower got out of his chair to leave, he took a mock swipe at Hussain's head. ''Gower hobbles away,'' co-commentator Mike Atherton giggled, before shifting the focus back events in the middle. Of course, such events would normally be oblivious to us in Australia, but the magic of YouTube has made it available to all.

Red eye special YOU can't fault David Warner's commitment to his game. Rather than sample the sponsor's product after NSW's narrow one-day win over WA in Perth on Friday night, the 24-year-old hopped on the red eye back to Sydney so that he could honour his grade cricket commitments. Despite his unorthodox preparation, Warner blasted a superb 110 off 125 balls for Eastern Suburbs in its clash with North Sydney. Unfortunately for Easts, Warner's heroics were not enough to get it over the line. But at least Warner's frequent flyer account will have some extra points. Close shave coming up Loading

KEVIN Pietersen on Twitter: Uve all seen today how terrible I look with this 'tache. It's only got a few more days left!! So if you fancy donating to Men's Health.