by Mike Albo

Hey how was the movie?

No they’re good, they’re asleep! They were totally fun. No, it’s not a problem at all. Not at all! It was my pleasure to spend time with little Jacob and Marlie and be Gay Uncle Mike, ha ha ha!

Oh! Look how late it is. No it’s not a problem! I just have to be somewhere in 3 minutes, but there are a couple tiny things I should mention to you which I will do while I put my jacket on and grab my things and that is that I have to replace your tea kettle. I know, I am so sorry! And also just really quickly this is so much more minor than it sounds but Jacob has a severe third degree burn on his forehead and Marlie may be blind in one eye.

But they are OK! Ha! It actually sounds worse than it really is! It’s actually sort of a funny story. Ha, see, well, I came over with the idea that I would make these Indian cookies — I mean Native American cookies — with this really cute set of Native American cookie cutters that I got on Etsy? They’re so cute — you can create cookies in the shape of ancient symbols of the Sequoia, and Cherokee, and Navajo….

So I went to show them a video on my PowerMac about the Navajos while I prepared the organic corn meal mush and I didn’t realize this at the time but I kind of accidentally logged on to my Xtube account without really noticing and then walked away so they unfortunately sort of saw a few minutes of “Asian Creampie Fist Sluts” and learned the words fuck, shit, cunt, slut, porn and also some racial epithets and of course Jacob and Marlie are just so brilliant and observant so they just started running around the apartment saying their new words over and over ha ha! So cute!

And I was trying to turn off my computer but I was also boiling water to make the cornmeal mush but didn’t realize that your teakettle is electric (duh! I’m so dumb! Duh!) and doesn’t really need to be heated on the stove so there was a small, VERY small fire, which I put out immediately but I unfortunately also didn’t realize that the fire had heated up the native American cookie cutters and covered them with this molten plastic so when I picked up this one particular Navajo symbol it really burned my fingers and I flung it into the air and it flew through the air and hit Jacob in the forehead and essentially burned the symbol into his forehead.

And the symbol is that of. And the symbol is that of. And the symbol is that of the Navajo “whirling log,” which is a sacred image of an equilateral cross with its arms bent at right angles? Which yes, does, yes, look like a swastika, yes, it is a swastika but isn’t technically a swastika because it actually originated, as we know, as a native American symbol before it was usurped by the Nazis!

But don’t worry! Because immediately when it happened I called Peter? This nurse practitioner guy I know who lives near you who I occasionally have sex with? And so he rushed over and treated the burn and Peter says there’s a fairly, probably, somewhat a good chance that the 3rd degree burn will not permanently leave a scar. Of a swastika. On Jacob’s forehead.

It may look more like a pinwheel!

And Marlie’s dislodged eye doesn’t look so bad!

Oh! See, after the whole Jacob thing, Marlie was crying so much so I dissolved a little Ambien into her cran-apple juice just to calm her down and go to sleep? But I was still so really stressed out so Peter, that’s the nurse guy, he is, you know, so caretakery, and says hey, let’s calm you down and have sex and I was like, “OK!” and so we did it in your bed (safely of course, I always have safe sex, even when I am drunk and on Ambien which I was) and then afterwards we were taking a shower and I was drying off and I look over and see that Marlie must have been having some kind of Ambien-induced sleepwalking state because she had crawled out of her room and into your bedroom and grabby-grabbed our used condom, which was unfortunately still on the floor and she had it in her mouth and was choking on it but only like for a second because I ran over and gave her the Heimlich maneuver which dislodged the condom but unfortunately also popped out her eye?

But don’t worry! Because it turns out luckily Peter just finished his residency at the eye and ear infirmary and just popped it back in so her left eye looks a little crossed right now? But Peter said if you just keep a cold compress on her eye for the next two weeks CONSTANTLY then it’ll be ok.

But she may have Syphilis.

Well, see unfortunately Peter ends up being kind of a big jerk and informed me that HE may have Syphilis. (Some medical professional, right?) So now I have to get tested. And well there’s really like only a 40% chance that Marlie may have contracted syphilis too, so just in case, Peter gave me a few penicillin quick-pouches of powdered formula so you can give that to her just for prophylactic reasons in the morning for two weeks as well. Just be sure you ALWAYS keep that cold compress on her EYE.

Everything else is pretty much cool!

Oh, and your hamster kind of burned in the fire too. I’m really sorry.

Oh, also I peed in your French Press. Weirdly. I don’t know why. Those Ambien can be strong!

Well, um call me tomorrow. Or I guess text me?

Previously: ChicLeaks: The Wikileaks Fashion Cables

Mike Albo is a writer and performer who lives and loves in Brooklyn. He is also a founding member of the legendary downtown NYC naked glittery dance troupe, The Dazzle Dancers.

Photo from the Seattle Municipal Archives.