BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike Kyrie 7 signature shoe, modeled after the RFID chips the government implants in the brains of every citizen who gets anesthetized. “I really wanted a design that speaks to how the government is slowly taking over our minds through intrusive thoughts that are telegraphed into our brains with implanted microchips,” said the Nets point guard, who revealed that engineers worked around the clock testing the hidden GPS tracker in the sole, which monitors not only the wearer’s locations but all their vital signs and transmits the information back to Nike headquarters. “Every single shoe has a small interior inscription of the all-seeing eye, surrounded by the Valos Council’s signature phrase ‘Sumus Ubique.’ I just hope kids will wear this shoe and get a little understanding of the forces that control our every action without us even knowing.” At press time, the success of the shoe had inspired Irving to explore similar sponsorships, including a Gatorade-brand chemtrail athletic mist and warm-up gear modeled after the flight attendant uniforms on Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.

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