WASHINGTON—Explaining that such a miscarriage of justice would not be tolerated under his watch, President Donald Trump reportedly demanded a federal investigation Monday into whether Bill and Hillary Clinton gave him a non-registry wedding gift in 2005. “Given the fact that Melania and I have no recollection of ever asking for a cast-iron Dutch oven, I am calling on the Justice Department to launch a full-scale investigation into whether the Clintons blatantly ignored our wedding registry,” said the commander in chief at a campaign rally, holding up the cooking pot while revealing that he had already directed several DOJ agents to go through all the gifts they received to determine if the former first family completely skipped over their requested luggage set, blender, and comforter in favor of getting their own unregistered present. “No one’s talking about it since they have the biased media in their pocket, but these people are totally corrupt and should spend the rest of their lives in prison for getting us this hideous pot, which clashes with all our other cookware.” At press time, Trump speculated, “Those sickos probably bought the Dutch oven with Clinton Foundation blood money,” as the crowd burst into a “Lock them up” chant.

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