NEW YORK—Leaping from a bannister on the upper story of a Manhattan luxury hotel, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani reportedly shouted “you’ll never take me alive!” Wednesday before jumping towards a chandelier and immediately falling three stories onto the floor below. “Good luck catching me as I disappear like a ghost in the wind—ha, ha, you can’t catch someone who never existed! Sayonara, suckers,” said the former New York City mayor, who, moments before, had scrambled up the hotel’s guardrail after watching a CNN report implicating him in the Trump Ukraine scandal, his fingers grazing the very bottom of the ornate light fixture as he plummeted downward, smashing into the marble floor with a dull, wet thud. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Oh god, my fucking back. It hurts so bad. Ah, Jesus Christ.” At press time, the hotel’s guests were politely sidestepping a bleeding and toothless Giuliani as he painfully crawled under a grand piano to hide from the authorities.

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