Today's tell-all is leaving a minute before half-time in the hope you spot him and make a big fuss about it

Bringing you transfer tittle-tattle on a morning like this feels rather uncomfortable, the equivalent of strolling into a funeral and letting the congregation know that Tesco is currently doing a two-for-one deal on caramelised onion hummus. Because make no mistake, there are people grieving right now, from Salford to Singapore tears are being shed.

The Mill, too, is feeling rather emotional after events at Old Trafford, but less so because of the result and more so because of the incredible range of gestures that were on show, from Sir Alex Ferguson's mad pointy finger, to Rio Ferdinand's end-of-match, in-the-ref's-face sarcastic applause, to Roy Keane's attempt at pundit-based comedy. It truly was an incredible night.

Anyway, we must move on, and really there is no better way of doing so than seeing who may be going where at some unspecified point in the future.

Top of the pops is undoubtedly the news that Andy Carroll is set to return to Liverpool at the end of the season after West Ham decided they do not want to keep the striker beyond his current season-long loan deal. Carroll joined Sam Allardyce's men last August amid much cockney fanfare but has seen his chances to shine hit by hamstring and knee injuries. He has scored just three times in 15 appearances and, as such, West Ham are no longer interested in converting Carroll's loan move into a long-term, £17m deal. Cue sighs of relief around Upton Park and a collective groan across Anfield.

Instead, West Ham will look to sign Rickie Lambert from Southampton, with the London club confident they can secure the striker for around £6m.

Speaking of strikers, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar has decided that he has no intention of joining a Premier League club this summer. The 29-year-old Dutchman has long been linked with a move to England, with Arsenal and Liverpool said to be among his admirers, but Huntelaar is instead giving serious consideration to ending his career at Schalke, who he joined from Milan in 2010.

One player who could be heading for the Premier League, however, is Erik Lamela, with Manchester City keen on signing the winger. The 21-year-old, who joined Roma from River Plate in 2011 and has been capped once by Argentina, has apparently been watched by City's football development executive Patrick Vieira.

Elsewhere, Birmingham want to sign the Scotland midfielder Andrew Shinnie from Inverness Caledonian Thistle, while Celtic are interested in signing Liverpool's 20-year-old striker Michael Ngoo, who has impressed during his current loan deal at Hearts, scoring three goals in eight games for the Edinburgh club.

Finally, some potentially harrowing news; Richard Keys is returning to television. Mr 'Smash It' is reportedly set to front Al Jazeera's coverage of the Champions League, Europa League and FA Cup. No word yet on whether he'll be joined by regular sidekick and friend of feminism Andy Gray.

That's it then. I'm off to Wayne Rooney's house for a spot of tea and toast. Do try and enjoy the rest of your day.