Arran’s legacy: Grieving mother offers support to others who are suffering

Mary Draper has set up a grieving therapy centre at home after losing her son Aaran in May Archant

A grieving mum whose only son died is transforming her home to help others.

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Mary Draper has set up a grieving therapy centre at home after losing her son Aaran in May Mary Draper has set up a grieving therapy centre at home after losing her son Aaran in May

Arran Draper, a keen West Ham fan who was training to be an accountant, was on his way home from Canary Wharf when he was hit by a lorry on the A2010 Leamouth Road in Poplar on May 31 this year.

He was just 18, and left behind his mum Mary and sisters Amy, 12, and Sophie, 17.

Mary, who lives in Crofton Road, Plaistow, said it would have been easy to “let herself go” with the grief, but needed to stay strong for the sake of her daughters. “I have just got those two now,” she said.

Mary, 50, separated from Arran’s father five years ago, and her family live in Ireland, hence she found her grief at Arran’s untimely death to be particularly isolating.

Mary Draper has set up a grieving therapy centre at home after losing her son Aaran in May Mary Draper has set up a grieving therapy centre at home after losing her son Aaran in May

Now Mary, a holistic therapist with a background in social work and nursing, is using her professional expertise and personal experiences to reach out to others who have lost children, after she struggled to get the support she needed.

She said: “Talking therapy doesn’t always help. I found my body broke down. It’s not just an emotional pain, it’s a physical pain.”

She believes “mothers in grief need practical and therapeutic support”, from advice on what health supplements to take, to a safe space to discuss their feelings.

That space could be “Arran’s Space”, as Mary is thinking of calling her former living room, now a peaceful zen treatment room.

Arran Draper.. died in rush-hour accident in accident in Poplar involving lorry in Leamouth Road [street photo: Google] Arran Draper.. died in rush-hour accident in accident in Poplar involving lorry in Leamouth Road [street photo: Google]

Although the haven is as far from a teenage boy’s bedroom as you could get, Mary was inspired to create it by Arran’s “four fantastic friends” Charlie, Joe, Zac and Keiran.

“We said we were never going to forget Arran so we had the idea to do the room up so I could offer help to other mothers,” Mary said.

Outfitted with new wallpaper, floorboards and blinds, and even a new massage table and essential oil diffuser, the space is very calming and the perfect place for Mary to share her skills in aromatherapy, massage, reflexology and even manicures and pedicures.

The makeover, which cost in the region of £1,000, came from the Arran Draper Memorial Fund, which was set up by his friends.

“I asked people not to buy flowers but instead to give to this,” she said.

Mary found losing a child to be an incredibly isolating experience, but that Arran’s Space was her way to “go forward”.

She said: “You just want someone to reach out to you. Losing a child is the lowest you can get - there’s nothing worse. It’s like losing a limb. People wouldn’t reach out to me so I will reach out to them.”

Mary’s determination to help others so they need not suffer alone is evident and inspiring.

In fact, despite being currently unemployed whilst trying to raise her children and pay her mortgage, the qualified therapist is adamant that she will not charge grieving mothers who come to her. “This isn’t a job, it’s a purpose,” she said.

If you are a bereaved parent and would like to join Mary’s support group and visit Arran’s Space, email marydraper123@hotmail.com



Professional advice on how to cope when your child dies

Cruse, the charity for bereaved people, offered an insight on dealing with the loss of a child.

“The death of a child is widely held to be the most devastating experience a parent can face. Most parents who have suffered such a bereavement feel that it is against the natural order of things and that they should not outlive their child,” a spokesman said.

“It is important to try to take each day at a time and to do what you know is right for you. These are some general suggestions about what can help.”

Advice offered by the charity includes not expecting too much of yourself and giving yourself time to grieve.

Other suggestions include doing things and be with people that you find helpful and avoid those you find unhelpful. You should also get enough sleep and try to eat well.

The spokesman added: “Accept support with everyday tasks if you think it will help – although some people find it a relief to have ordinary, daily tasks to distract them. Set yourself small, realistic goals and try to keep to familiar routines.

“Don’t be afraid of sharing emotions, or ashamed or embarrassed to cry, and try not to cut yourself off from friends and family.

“Many people find it helpful to talk about what has happened and how they feel, over and over again. This can be an important part of the healing process.

Find someone you can talk to – a friend, someone who has had similar experiences or your GP.”

Fond memories from St Bonaventure’s

Before taking up his accountacy course, Arran was a student at St Bonaventure’s School in Boleyn Road, Forest Gate.

The school’s ethos of “Live, Love and Learn In The Presence Of The Lord” appealed to the young man, as he was a staunch Catholic and loved his faith.

Arran’s Year 8 photograph, right, appeared on the cover of the prospectus for many years.

Mary had nothing but praise for his former school.

“They were very supportive and helped me to pay for the funeral because they loved Arran so much,” she said.

Headmaster Paul Halliwell even gave a reading during the service.

Di Halliwell, publicity and marketing manager at the school, remembers him well.

“Arran made an impact on students and teachers at St Bonaventure’s,” she said.

“He was well loved and his death deeply affected many people in school who remembered him with fondness as a talented, caring student with a fantastic sense of humour.

“Many staff attended his funeral and a special poem Arran wrote when he was in Year Eight that won him a competition on the theme of War and Remembrance Sunday was read out during the service.”

A mother’s struggle to stay strong

Mary contacted us to write this piece and help her “reach out to the other mothers in Newham.”

Although it is unusual for parents to survive their children, she feels the sad phenomenon is on the rise.

She said: “I see it in the Recorder: ‘Boy stabbed.’ I know there’s young people round here dying but it’s a fragmented community. I don’t even know my neighbours.”

Since losing Arran, she has suffered debilitating physical symptoms in her shoulder and back - hidden burdens of grief that she did not expect, but that she can now prepare others for.

“You are never going to be normal after losing a child but if you let your body go, your mind go, your spirit go, you are hurting yourself again,” she said.

Mary acknowledges that her group might not be for everyone, saying: “People have different coping mechanisms - but let’s have a healthy coping mechanism.”

In a way, Arran’s Space is her’s. “I find being busy and being out there is the best thing you can do,” she added.