I’m sorry that this is late. I have a confession to make: I’m horrible with time management. I don’t know how I was able to get a new “Hey Dude” review up almost every Wednesday (with few exceptions) for over a year. Of course, my other hobbies had to take a back seat during that time. I do get easily distracted, though, mostly by YouTube (and, more recently, reddit). “Ooh, [insert name] uploaded a new video!” “Ooh, the new [movie] trailer is up!” “Ooh, someone replied to my post!”

I’ve realized something, though: I don’t need to review a new episode of “Riverdale” every other week, because I won’t be able to start reviewing season 2 until it hits DVD late next year, anyway. So why rush season 1?

So here’s what’s gonna happen. “Riverdale” is gonna come out every fourth week. Between that will be “The New Archies” and “Archie’s Weird Mysteries”. That should be more manageable.

Writer: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa

Director: Lee Toland Krieger

Original Air Date: Thursday, February 2, 2017

Length: 42:20

Episode title reference

First, there’s a 50-second “Previously on ‘Riverdale'” recap, which I’m a bit surprised was retained for the home video release. It’s unnecessary here. Remove it, and the episode is only 41:30. Remove the end credits, and we’re left with only 41:01 of actual story (including those many seconds of black space where the commercial breaks went).

The episode proper starts with Jughead narrating as he types his novel at Pop’s at night.

He imagines seeing Jason in school on Monday morning…

…and seeing him and Cheryl at Pop’s.

That’s bullshit, of course.

By the way, considering how Cheryl’s reacting to Jason’s “bloated, water-logged body”, I seriously doubt she’d appreciate Jughead’s description of it in his novel. Seriously, dude, what the fuck?

Another thing: why is Jughead writing a novel about Jason’s death? He’d need permission from the family to sell it.

Finally, note how Clifford doesn’t react at all to seeing his son’s corpse.

Looks like the autopsy is about to begin.

At Archie’s house, Archie’s being kept awake by the guilt of not saying anything about hearing the gunshot on July 4.

He texts Betty.

Betty is awake and reading a book in bed.

Ha.

“I so don’t wanna deal with your bullshit right now.”

Archie looks out the window.

Dude’s persistent.

Betty shakes her head and turns off her lamp.

There’s only one thing for Archie to do:

Go running. Topless. In the middle of the night. Of course.

Dude, no.

They argue over what they heard. Archie suggests contacting the police anonymously. She shoots it down and talks about her losing her job, him being expelled, and them going to jail. Nothing would happen to him; she’s just trying to instill fear in him.

The next morning, Fred feeds Vegas.

Archie comes downstairs. Fred asks him where he sneaked off to last night. We learn Archie’s been sneaking off since he was eight years old, going to Jughead’s tree house.

Realizing his dad has dad skills, Archie bullshits about insomnia and tiring himself out.

Fred asks if Archie has something on his mind. Archie kind of tells the truth (it has to do with Jason). Fred tells him no more midnight runs until the killer is caught. His opinion of the town has lowered.

Betty’s writing in her diary.

Her parents come in to explain they’re gonna have a lot of late nights. Alice hopes to exploit Jason’s murder. Hal tries to tell Alice to have some fucking respect, but she sends him to warm up the car.

Alice starts talking about loving how Betty always wants to see the good in people – even “people like” Cheryl, Veronica, and Archie.

“But they betrayed you! They’re eeeviiil, right?!”

Betty somewhat agrees, so Alice blacklists Cheryl, Veronica, and Archie from her daughter’s life.

Well, that didn’t last long.

As Archie and Betty walk to school, Betty says she needed “time to process”.

“My mom’s kinda cray-cray.”

Betty still wants them to be best friends. Archie’s a bit surprised but wants it, too. Betty admits his rejection hurts, and he apologizes. He thought it would be better in the long run, and she says it will be. She tells him to not tell her mom that they’re friends again. She walks ahead of him, leaving him a bit confused.

The establishing shot of Riverdale High School isn’t the exact same one from the first episode, but it seems to be from the same shoot, since it features the same three girls (on the right) wearing the exact same clothes.

A memorial to Jason has been set up. There’s no fucking way that lit candles would be allowed in a school hallway – particularly not on the floor and next to a bunch of flammable material.

Jughead comes by and wants to know if he can use Jason’s death as an excuse to get out of PE. Archie tells him to not joke about Jason. Jughead doesn’t see the big deal, saying sardonic humor is just his way of relating to the world.

Spotting Chuck, Reggie, and Moose, Jughead calls them “the rich kids from ‘The Goonies‘”. Um, Reggie is fairly wealthy, but Chuck and Moose have never been rich.

Jughead leaves, going in their direction.

Reggie says “Watch it, Wednesday Addams!”

Meanwhile, Kevin questions Archie’s sexuality. Goddess, how can Betty tolerate him? I could never hang out with someone that yaps as much as he does.

“Dear friend, please shut the fuck up.”

Betty asks if he’s recovered from finding Jason’s body. He says it was more traumatizing having to explain why he was with Moose at the river. We learn Kevin is the sheriff’s son. This is different from the comics, where Kevin’s dad is an army general, and Kevin has to frequently move around (he’s fairly new to Riverdale, not a lifelong resident). Also in the comics, Kevin can go toe-to-toe with Jughead in eating contests. Remove those things, and the Kevin Keller on this show is “mildly annoying gay kid”. He’s not even that close with Betty in the comics; he’s close with Veronica. Veronica wanting to immediately befriend him in the first episode was probably a reference to that.

They enter the main office and discover flowers, which Kevin guesses is for Betty.

The receptionist is Mrs. Philips, who is basically supposed to be Ms. Phlips from the comics. I guess the showrunners either decided that name was a bit too unusual or thought it was a typo.

The flowers are from Veronica as an apology for the closet incident. She also had magnolia cupcakes flown in from New York. As her mom likes to say: “There’s no wrong the right cupcake can’t fix.” She also booked them for hers and hers mani-pedis at Chez Salon – blowouts, too. Veronica apologizes for her “basic bitch move”.

Bitch Count: Veronica: 4

Veronica says it was like she was possessed by, and Kevin interrupts with “Madam Satan“.

“Shut up, dude.”

Veronica says “the old Veronica”. She swears on her mother’s pearls that she’ll never do anything like that to Betty again. She begs Betty for one more chance.

“It’s all good, yo.”

Both Veronica and Kevin are surprised. Veronica says Betty won’t regret it, and she’ll bring the cupcakes to lunch, so they can celebrate.

A bell rings. Veronica leaves. Kevin looks to Betty for an explanation. Betty tells “Kev” that it’s “the path of least resistance”; she has no intention of actually being friends with Veronica, believing Veronica will forget her and latch on to some other girl to “destroy”. Okay, lying to Veronica like that is a classic bitch move. If you don’t trust her, say so! Don’t pretend you’re besties!

We get our first looks at Sheriff Keller (Martin Cummins) and Mr. Weatherbee (Peter Bryant), who weren’t yet cast when the pilot was filmed. Mr. Weatherbee makes an announcement to clear up students’ confusion over the pep rally, which will go on as scheduled.

Cheryl’s happy about that, no doubt because it gives her the chance to be the center of attention.

Then Mr. Weatherbee turns it over to Sheriff Keller, who mentions Jason’s body was found late Saturday night and is now being treated as a homicide.

We get our first good look at Chuck Clayton.

It looks like Riverdale High has a student lounge. My high school certainly didn’t have anything like that; that’s more of a college thing (and the student lounge at my community college had basic tables and metal chairs). Do any actual high schools have student lounges?

Cheryl just fucking interrupts the sheriff, swearing righteous vengeance on the killer. She mentions she has her suspicions.

“#RiverdaleStrong”

Okay, I don’t care how implausible that this situation is (really, the only reason that Cheryl was in the office at all was so she could interrupt); that was fucking hilarious. Kudos to Madelaine Petsch.

Sheriff Keller gets back on the intercom, asking students to come forward with information.

Wait, there’s already a memorial to Jason in the trophy case. So was the one on the floor just a second one near his old locker or something?

Archie goes and looks through the window of Mr. Weatherbee’s office (which, I guess, isn’t within the main office; that’s kinda weird).

Mr. Weatherbee notices him.

Archie hesitates for a moment and then leaves.

Jughead notices.

He confronts Archie about Archie bailing on him at the last minute from their planned road trip over the July 4th weekend. So this was the beginning of the falling-out between them.

After the commercial break, Archie walks into Biology class and passes Jughead without a word.

Cheryl’s besties confront her over her drowning story in light of the evidence that Jason was shot.

Cheryl’s offended. She sticks to her story and theorizes maybe Jason made it to the other side of the river, and someone shot him there.

In the grand tradition of frog dissection in this franchise, “Riverdale” gets a scene, too. Archie calls dibs on Cheryl, and Veronica calls dibs on Betty.

Betty wants to partner with Kevin.

However, Moose claims Kevin for himself. Kevin accepts. Veronica and Betty pair up. Kevin tells Moose that Moose has “more demons than ‘The Exorcist‘” (meaning he’s straight) and tells him to stick with girls.

Archie and Cheryl haven’t talked since the summer, so he offers his condolences and help. She doesn’t think he can help unless he was there and knows who shot Jason. He asks her if the police have any leads. She tells the “ghoul” (that’s rude) that they don’t. However, her “twintuition” (I love that word) is telling her that it’s someone that they all know.

Archie moves on to a more pleasant subject:

He offers to do the deed.

Cheryl sees her besties watching her obsessively and…

Hahahahahaha!

Alice is collecting autopsy info for her article. Oh, yeah, in this continuity, Alice and Hal run the town’s newspaper, the Riverdale Register. That’s a change from the comics, where Reggie’s dad, Ricky Mantle, ran the paper. Hell, even “The New Archies” had kept that. I guess they moved the job over to Alice, because Betty is a more prominent character than Reggie.

The coroner points out that Jason’s wrists were bound, and his body seems to have been frozen.

Alice is bribing the doctor to get this info.

At lunch, Veronica asks Kevin about Moose. Kevin compares himself to a pre-accident Montgomery Clift. Veronica says she ships Kevin/Moose. Kevin calls Veronica “a big-city girl with loose morals”. Asshole. Betty and Veronica are shocked and don’t know how to respond. Kevin “meant” Moose has an “official girlfriend”, Midge, and wishes Moose would stay in the closet.

“Heeeeeeyyyyyy, how’s it goin’?”

Sensing the awkward timing, Kevin tries to clarify his statement.

Veronica tries to break the awkwardness by offering to listen to Archie’s new music. He hesitates.

She begs him.

Betty sits down and asks him to share it as well.

He says he’s still working on the lyrics but agrees to play it.

Song: “Dance Dance Dance” by Archie Andrews

Betty has sad flashbacks to dancing with Archie at the semi-formal and her conversation with Archie at the end of the night. Veronica and Kevin applaud, but Betty has stopped paying attention.

Archie asks if she’s okay. Betty breaks down, saying it’s “too much too fast”. She walks away. Archie goes after her. Veronica and Kevin look on in concern.

Betty unloads on Archie about not being able to get over the stuff from the first episode and leaves. He tries to go after her, but…

…Mr. Weatherbee wants a word.

Mr. Weatherbee asks him about the incident in the hallway. Archie tries to bullshit, but Mr. Weatherbee persists.

Archie goes to tell Ms. Grundy and asks if their relationship is real. Fuck, dude. He says, if it’s not real, then he doesn’t know what he’s protecting. After some hesitation, she says it is real.

She says that’s why they can’t go to Mr. Weatherbee, because then they’ll never see each other again. That might not be true, depending on where Riverdale is located. It varies from state to state, but the age of consent is either 16 or 17. At most, Ms. Grundy would lose her job.

Anyway, she says she’s putting herself in Archie’s hands.

Here comes Jughead, wearing headphones like in the old days.

He does that thing where he walks by the door and then backs up to double-check what he thought he saw.

After the commercial break, the River Vixens rehearse.

Song: “Let’s Go” by Headbands

Cheryl hilariously stops their performance – and the music…somehow.

Hehehe, cute shirt. 🙂

Anyway, Cheryl lectures them that she, the “beautiful, exotic hothouse flower”, will be the center of attention because of Jason’s death.

I love how most of the Vixens are sending silent fuck-yous at Cheryl – all except the second from the left, who seems to have resigned herself to Cheryl’s ranting by now.

Oh, if you’re wondering if all of these River Vixens are supposed to be characters from the comic books, the answer is probably not. While Betty, Veronica, Cheryl, and several b-list characters have been part of the cheerleading squad at one time or another, there are also plenty of generic characters added in.

Cheryl suddenly decides she needs the Pussycats and goes to make a call.

Veronica decides she needs a pedicure after this. Why? Anyway, she asks Betty, who says she has homework. Veronica stretches and talks about Cheryl hosting a pep rally to cope with her loss. Betty says at least Cheryl’s not putting on an act, pretending she’s a butterfly instead of a wasp.

Veronica shows remarkable restraint. She explains she went into the closet with Archie, so Cheryl wouldn’t. Betty asks if nothing happened between Veronica and Archie in the closet (after previously not wanting to know).

Probably the editor’s fault, but Betty judges Veronica before her mouth opens.

They argue over Betty and Archie’s relationship (or lack thereof).

“It’s not my fucking fault that he doesn’t like your introverted ass!”

Veronica lectures Betty about the reality of relationships and how they’re most often one-sided. They keep arguing until…

“Pussycats are in, woo-hoo!”

Betty decides to treat Cheryl to mani-pedis and blowouts using the hitherto-unmentioned gift certificate that Veronica had given her. Total bitch move. Betty’s being a bitch to both girls. Veronica is obvious. As for Cheryl, Betty is using her to piss off Veronica. She’s going out with Cheryl not because she particularly likes her, but because it will hurt Veronica.

Anyway, Veronica objects. Cheryl tells the “closet monster” to mind her own fucking business and accepts Betty’s offer (she never says no to a pedi), claiming she was just about to suggest the same thing (no, she totally wasn’t). Cheryl asks Veronica if she can steal Betty and then…

Oh, my shipper heart can barely take this. Those of you that have known me a long time know I’m a Beryl shipper. It all goes back to this story.

Betty is clearly trying to make Veronica jealous.

Ooh, beautiful establishing shot.

Song: “Forever Mine” by Andra Day

Hermione’s gotten a job at Pop’s.

Veronica compliments her on her work. Hermione thinks about Hiram’s reaction to this. Veronica compliments her mother’s appearance.

Hermione’s going for a “Joan Crawford ‘Mildred Pierce‘ thing” and asks if it’s working. Amused, Veronica says it is.

Archie walks in, and he and Veronica awkwardly greet each other.

Archie’s picking up an order, and Hermione realizes he’s Fred’s son. Veronica tries to leave to go home, but Hermione, trying to set them up, suggests Archie escort her.

Song: “Sa Riera” by T.R.O.

Veronica asks Archie if Betty is still mad at him. Archie says she’s back to no texting. He asks about her.

Veronica sarcastically calls herself “the shallow, toxic rich bitch”.

Bitch Count: Veronica: 5

Veronica starts talking about her and Betty being best friends as “destiny”. Cute. 🙂 She also feels like she “missed” the “train” to the rest of her life.

Archie says he and Betty have been next-door neighbors since they were four. They’ve always gone to the same school and been in the same class. In the second grade, he was having trouble reading, and his teacher told his parents that he should stay back a year to get caught up. Betty was so against them not being in the same grade, and she took it upon herself to tutor him every single day. Veronica is in disbelief. When he passed, he kissed Betty and asked her to marry him. She told “Little Archie” to ask her when they turn 18, and she’ll say yes. Veronica is kinda amazed.

Archie hates that he hurt Betty. Veronica tells Archie to give Betty time. She doesn’t think his “story with Betty” is over.

Song: “Rendezvous Girl” by Santigold <— Omigoddess, this sounds so ’80s! It’s awesome!

That evening, after their date, Betty has Cheryl over.

Cheryl compliments Betty’s “sweet” room – not sweet as in cool but sweet as in, well, sweet.

Betty says it’s “too pink” and doesn’t “feel right” anymore.

Cheryl disputes that, saying she likes that it’s “girly” and adds her room is, too. She then does Betty’s makeup.

Cheryl invites Betty to come over sometime and see her room – but just her, not “evil incarnate” Veronica. Betty doesn’t reply.

Since they’re supposedly friends now, Cheryl apologizes for being “such a witchy witch” to her. After Polly and Jason’s “epic demise”, she was angry at everyone, but she took it out on Betty, which was “super unfair”. Cheryl says, in a way, they both lost siblings.

Cheryl asks how Polly is and if she’s still in the group home. Betty nods. Cheryl asks if Betty thinks she knows what happened to Jason (that he was murdered). Betty’s not sure. Cheryl asks for Betty’s guess of what “went down” between Polly and Jason. Betty doesn’t know. Cheryl asks what her parents say. Betty says not a lot. Cheryl says the same for her parents. She keeps thinking maybe Jason or Polly said something to the other. She asks about a “big fight” that she thinks Polly and Jason had this summer.

Betty interrupts, wanting to know why Cheryl’s asking her so many questions about Polly. Um, maybe because Polly’s the former girlfriend of Cheryl’s dead brother? It makes sense that Cheryl would seek answers from Betty.

The camera slowly zooms in as Cheryl looks down on at Betty.

“Don’t hurt me, mistress.”

Cheryl tells the “dumb cow” that she thinks her “crazy, tweeked-out sister” shot Jason.

Okay, let’s pause for a moment. It’s obvious that Cheryl has been trying to get information out of Betty. That’s actually fine. It’s normal. It’s understandable. Here’s the thing, though: Cheryl wasn’t using Betty. It wasn’t Cheryl’s idea to hook up with Betty today. Cheryl had no idea of the rift between Betty and Veronica. Betty used Cheryl to hurt Veronica. Did Cheryl know that’s what was going on? Oh, unfuckingdoubtedly. She saw how Veronica reacted to Betty’s offer. And then she took advantage of the opportunity that was presented to her. Was it wrong? Maybe. Was Cheryl being manipulative and just pretending to be friends with Betty? Possibly. But it’s nowhere near the “classic bitch move” that Betty pulled. So I don’t sympathize with Betty. She used one person to hurt another. She deserves a little venom right now. Is the “dumb cow” remark too much? Maybe. Cheryl’s no saint. Then again, neither is Betty (this is true in the comics as well, despite her perpetual status as the “nice” girl).

This situation is still salvageable, though. Maybe Betty will propose talking like civilized people (no name-calling, no blame) and exchanging information, thoughts, theories, and feelings about the situation. You know, like friends. Let’s see how Betty does.

“Get the hell out of my fucking house before I fucking kill you, you fucking bitch!”

Well, shit.

“Mommy…”

Nice going, “nice” girl.

By the way, I wasn’t exaggerating much. Betty did indeed threaten to kill Cheryl. That actually isn’t far off from Betty’s portrayal in older comics; she was downright stalkery and insane in some of those. One story was even devoted to Betty finding different ways to try to murder Archie. No joke. The tone between the comics and this show is vastly different, but Betty’s characterization is chillingly similar.

Archie comes home and finds Jughead waiting. Jughead confronts him about Ms. Grundy, insisting he’s trying to help him and be his friend, even though they’re not anymore. He asks Archie how long (about Ms. Grundy). Archie says since the summer and adds he likes her. Jughead laughs at it and guesses she’s the reason that Archie’s been acting “weird” since summer. Archie tells him about the gunshot. Jughead says Archie has to tell somebody. Archie says no and tells him to keep quiet as well. They argue over it. Jughead calls Ms. Grundy a “cougar” (which she isn’t), and Archie gets mad at him for it. They continue arguing. Jughead tries to leave. Archie stops him and seems to almost start threatening his life.

“What the fuck you gonna do, numb nuts?”

Fred comes out and offers Jughead free food in the form of take-out from Pop’s. Archie sends Jughead away.

After the commercial break, there’s some creepy horror-sounding music as we see Betty alone in her room.

Suddenly, the door opens! Betty looks!

Oh. It’s just Alice. You’re trying too hard, show. Don’t make it seem like something scary’s happening when nothing is.

Anyway, Alice cleanses Betty’s room with sage to “banish the evil spirits”.

“It’s too early in the morning for your bullshit, Mom.”

Anyway, is Alice just being a dick, or is she a neopagan? I’m kinda curious.

Alice calls the Blossom family “pure evil” and wonders if they killed Jason themselves and sacrificed him to “some dark pagan god”. Well, I guess that answers that. No actual pagan would equate paganism with evil.

Betty asks if Polly knows about Jason. Alice claims she told her but that Polly’s usually out of it. Betty asks why Alice was so against them being together. Alice says “Many reasons” but then just singles out the Blossoms.

Betty suggests going to visit Polly.

Alice quickly changes the subject, expressing pride at Betty for standing up to the “dragoness” but then asking why Cheryl was over in the first place. She then starts asking about Veronica and Archie and holds Betty’s chin in a controlling manner.

Betty gives a sarcastic-as-fuck response that Alice doesn’t like, but she drops the subject and leaves.

At Riverdale High School, Betty admits Veronica was right about Archie and then adds her mother’s crazy, and she’s afraid that she’ll never see her sister again.

Veronica says Archie loves her (seemingly as a friend) and is miserable without her. Veronica passes along some advice from her mom: sometimes, a friend is better than a boyfriend.

In the student lounge (again, my high school never had one, and why isn’t there a room number on the door?), “Mantle the Magnificent” complains about being grilled by Sheriff Keller.

Reggie questions Moose over what he and Kevin were doing at the river. Then he questions Kevin.

Sensing where Reggie’s going with this, Betty tells “Kev” that Reggie’s just being a “blowhard”. I see what you did.

Kevin claims to not care what Reggie says.

Archie and Jughead have to listen to Reggie’s theory about some loser virgin kid murdering Jason. Then Reggie specifically names Jughead.

Jughead is trying so hard to ignore him, but Reggie questions “Suicide Squad” about the murder. He asks if Jughead performed necrophilia on the body (without using the word). Jughead supplies the word and asks Reggie if he can spell it. Reggie comes at him. Archie gets between them, shoves Reggie, and tells him to shut the fuck up.

Veronica, coffee in hand, puts on her best adult voice.

Reggie accuses Archie and “Donnie Darko” of killing Jason together. Archie shoves Reggie.

Reggie shoves Archie into the vending machine, smashing the glass.

Song: “Mess Around” by Cage the Elephant

The two fuckheads end up on the floor. Their fellow students gather around. Reggie punches Archie in the face.

After the commercial break, Archie’s got a black eye.

Fred asks if he got it in a fight with Jughead. Archie says no, Reggie. He says he and Jughead were disagreeing about a girl, and I don’t think Fred buys it (although it’s technically true). Archie talks about his dilemma vaguely. Fred is glad that Archie wants to do the right thing and tells him that he has to.

Cool high-speed shot of the city as a thunderstorm approaches

It’s the night of the pep rally. Nice touch with the blue and gold balloons, but what are the white ones for? Are they a reference to Riverdale High’s colors in the 1996 Sabrina movie? Maybe I’m reaching. The logos are sorta similar, though:

Sheriff Keller’s here to keep an eye on things.

Alice and Hal are here. I guess Alice is waving to Betty.

Jughead watches as Archie interacts with Ms. Grundy. Archie’s gonna tell Mr. Weatherbee tomorrow and invites her to come along. If she doesn’t, he’s gonna try to keep her out of it. He apologizes to her.

Archie finds Jughead and tells him what’s up. He also apologizes for what he said earlier. Jughead accepts his apology.

Jughead rules out hugging – to Archie’s amusement. He then suggests an amusing alternative. Archie asks about their friendship, and Jughead says it will “be discussed over many burgers and many days”.

Archie runs into Betty.

She expresses surprise over his eye. Did he avoid her for the rest of the day?

He abruptly leaves.

Mr. Weatherbee turns the microphone over to Mayor McCoy (Robin Givens) to kick off the pep rally. Josie’s mom is the mayor? Okay, that’s different. In the comics, Riverdale’s had various mayors, probably few of which have made more than one appearance. A notable exception is Elena Martinez, Riverdale’s major in the “Occupy Riverdale” story in Archie, No. 635 (cover-dated September of 2012, on-sale date: July 25, 2012), a spoof of the 2011 Occupy Wall Street protest movement. She later showed up as a zombie in the AU Afterlife with Archie, No. 3 (cover-dated February of 2014, on-sale date: January 8, 2014). As for Josie’s mom, I don’t recall ever seeing her in the comics.

Anyway, Mayor McCoy dedicates the pep rally to Jason’s memory.

Cheryl’s taking it hard.

Mayor McCoy introduces the River Vixens and Josie and the Pussycats.

Song: “Candy Girl (Sugar Sugar)” by Josie and the Pussycats

So this is interesting. Josie and the Pussycats perform a cover of a Flo Rida song that uses some lyrics and melody from “Sugar, Sugar“, the 1969 hit song from the old Filmation cartoon series. So…who wrote this song in “Riverdale” continuity? Is it a Josie and the Pussycats original, or is this another case of them performing only their own songs unless Cheryl pays them?

I’m kinda surprised that Cheryl gave Veronica such a prominent part in the routine and didn’t keep it for herself.

Cheryl abruptly runs off.

She joins the Pussycats on-stage with a microphone.

Okay, here’s where things get confusing. The song ends, the crowd cheers, and then Cheryl and Josie are shown hugging each other. What the fuck? Well, here’s the fuck, courtesy of a video posted to the official Archie Comics YouTube channel on February 1, the day before this episode originally aired:

The sequence was originally longer (by around 21 seconds), having Cheryl join Josie in a rap. That’s just like Cheryl. She always has to be the center of attention. Footage from this part was shown in the episode 2 preview (The CW seems to have removed all episode promos and some other material from their YouTube channel; I guess they’re up for a limited time only). So why was it cut from the actual episode? Because it’s quite obvious that Madelaine Petsch isn’t singing. Her voice is nowhere to be found. I guess they realized it looked stupid and cut it. You can see the full sequence here:

Daw, that’s adorable. I don’t think Cheryl and Josie have had any interaction in the comics.

Coach Clayton introduces the football team.

Oh, shit.

Cheryl starts having flashbacks to July 4 – and then seeing his corpse on the autopsy table.

She can’t stand it and just runs off, surprising everyone and probably arousing Sheriff Keller’s suspicion. Veronica gives chase, and Betty follows.

Veronica finds Cheryl crying in the girls’ locker room. Cheryl has finally accepted Jason’s gone.

She also says Jason “was supposed to come back”.

Veronica repeats this in silence, trying to figure out what it means.

Betty arrives and watches them in silence. I wonder what’s going through her mind right now.

Cheryl says she’s all alone.

Veronica says she isn’t.

This scene was very well done: the acting, the lighting, the soft piano music. Powerful stuff.

After the commercial break, Betty finds Veronica. She’s impressed by what she did for Cheryl. Veronica admits she’s had her share of emotional breakdowns. Betty invites Veronica for a milkshake at Pop’s. Veronica teases her about it but gladly accepts.

At Pop’s, an unnamed waiter serves the milkshakes. Veronica gets a “double chocolate”, and Betty gets an “old-fashioned vanilla”. Symbolism! They thank him.

Veronica proposes making a vow. Betty agrees. Veronica proposes no boy will ever come between them again. It’s a deal.

Look, it’s all official and shit.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Betty looks at Veronica and then invites the guys to join them. Jughead agrees on the condition that they’re treating, which gets laughs from the girls (I can’t tell if he’s joking or not).

Veronica and Jughead exchange names. Jughead calls him “Jughead Jones the Third”, which isn’t accurate unless both his father and grandfather went by the nickname “Jughead”. His name is Forsythe Pendleton Jones III.

Bitch, scoot over to be by your bestie, so Jughead doesn’t have to climb over the table.

Song: “Trouble” by Cage the Elephant

Jughead’s narration suddenly comes back on, and he kinda talks about being ignored in a poetic way.

The next day, Archie shows up at Mr. Weatherbee’s office to tell him what he knows.

However, Mr. Weatherbee and Sheriff Keller come out at that moment and walk past him. Mr. Weatherbee looks at Archie for a moment but doesn’t stop. Odd, considering his interest in Archie yesterday.

Weatherbee and Keller arrive in biology class.

Omigoddess, who are they here for?!

Cheryl guesses they’re here for her regarding the autopsy. Mr. Weatherbee says they don’t need to do this in front of her classmates.

Cheryl tells “Principal Weatherbee” (so oddly formal) that it’s all right.

She says they’ll find out soon enough. Sheriff Keller tells her that the handcuffs won’t be necessary.

Veronica asks what they’ll find out about.

Cheryl briefly looks at her and then says she’s guilty.

Hang on. At the end of episode 1, Jughead said the autopsy was performed on Monday, and the first arrest was made on Tuesday during fifth period. 1) What took so long? 2) If this is fifth period, why did Archie wait so long into the school day to go to Weatherbee? 3) Slight spoiler for the next episode: it’s a fucking lie; Cheryl’s not under arrest. I’m convinced Jughead’s just constantly high.

Speaking of Jughead, his narration informs us that the autopsy revealed Jason didn’t die on July 4 – but over a week later. Okay, so Cheryl didn’t do it (not that I ever seriously considered her to be a suspect, and the showrunners actually never did at all).

During the original airing of this episode, The CW aired a behind-the-scenes featurette by CoverGirl (the show’s new sponsor once it got picked up to series) of Madelaine being made up; she also talked in voice-over about what Cheryl’s fashion says about her character. This stuff used to be online officially but no longer.

Song from next episode preview (not included on the DVD set): “Here We Go” by Extreme Music

This was another good episode. Everyone’s great, of course. In particular, I have to single out Madelaine Petsch, Lily Reinhart, and Camila Mendes. These ladies fucking stepped up and delivered. I wouldn’t have minded if the show centered solely on these three.

The only real flaw that I see is Betty’s behavior throughout. I won’t rehash it here. Just take note of what she does and don’t do it if you find yourself in similar situations! Don’t be a bitch to your friend. Don’t use people. Don’t fucking threaten to murder people! Talk. Work things out.

Tune in next Wednesday!

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