The signs as our favorite “Florida Man” Headlines.

Aries- Florida Man Says He Shoplifted Butt Plug Because He Was “Too Embarrassed” to Pay

Taurus- Florida Man Rams Car Into Jail, Says He “Just Wanted to Visit Friends”

Gemini- Florida Man Hides From Deputies in Swamp, Eaten by Alligator

Cancer- Florida Man Crawls Under Cracker Barrel Bathroom Stall to Ask 79-Year-Old Woman to Have Sex With Him

Leo- SWAT Team Forced to Wait Outside as Florida Man and Girlfriend Have Sex “One Last Time”

Virgo- Florida Man Sets Up Series of Fake Job Interviews to Steal People’s Urine

Libra- Florida Man Refuses to Get Out of Hotel Pool, Demands Police Tickle Him

Scorpio- Florida Man Attacks Mother With Potato Salad

Sagittarius- Florida Man Pauses Police Chase to Rehydrate With Stolen Capri Sun, Says Smoking Crack Makes Him Thirsty

Capricorn- Florida Man Drops Shot Friend Off at Wal-Mart Instead of The Hospital

Aquarius- Florida Man Bites Store Employee Before Speeding Away in Gold Convertible; Tells Police Name is “Dick Oranges”

Pisces- Florida Man Says He Danced on Patrol Car in Order to Escape Vampires