It's official: The X-Files is coming back to television, albeit in the form of a six-episode, toe-in-the-water miniseries, again produced by Chris Carter and starring America's favorite team-up between a skeptic and a chronic masturbator. I can't lie -- as an X-Files fan (the technical term is X-Phile, but that sounds like someone with a fetish for really mild pornography) it is my abiding duty to be super excited for this television event. However, the unfortunate consequence to watching a body-wrecking ton of X-Files is twofold:

1. I've never been able to un-memorize Fox Mulder's badge number (it's JTT047101111 ... uh, no one use that to try to log into my bank account, OK?).

2. I've watched the show enough times to know a new season is a lousy idea.

Seriously. I know we all want to believe (the revival won't suck), because there are just so many examples of franchises successfully coming back over 20 years later, but let's look at the undeniable facts: