Hey, I’m a simple guy; I like my ice cream cold, my t-shirts tight, and my coffee alarmingly strong. With the relaxation of marijuana laws in some U.S. states, it seems an array of industries have started cashing in on the great green prize by offering CBD-infused products—which is legal almost everywhere. Moisturizer, sugar, lube, and—of course—coffee. Not to be dramatic, but CBD coffee is a ridiculous trend that’s turning grown adults into giant throbbing knobs. Here’s why.

Let Coffee Be Coffee

You guys remember coffee, right? You drink it in the mornings to wake yourself up and drown the urge to crawl back into bed. No matter how you take your coffee—black, sweet, over ice, or up your butt—it can be surmised you’re drinking it to absorb the caffeine. See, when caffeine molecules attach themselves to your A1 receptors, your brain can’t tell the difference between these molecules and a neurochemical called adenosine—the stuff that gets you tired. Thus, your brain fools itself into staying awake—that’s why we drink coffee.

How do I put this… let your morning coffee do its damn job!

Sleep-B-D

Then there’s CBD. This stuff can stop epileptic seizures, treat Alzheimer’s, fight cancer, relieve pain, reduce information, and chill you out. Now, there’s still a treasure trove of information to find out about CBD, but anyone who’s tried the stuff before—either on its own or paired with THC—knows that it makes you sleepy.

When compared with the effects of caffeine, one could go out on a limb and say that CBD and caffeine are on different sides of the spectrum. Sure, they’re both anti-inflammatories, but you’re not as likely to fall asleep in your cereal after chugging a mug of coffee. You can see where I’m going with this, right? CBD coffee is a liquid contradiction.

Two Rights Make a Yawn

It’s not about quality, either; even the finest CBD-infused coffee won’t change the mind of substance purists like myself. Let’s say you’re drinking CBD coffee to relax—hey, that’s great… but that caffeine isn’t going anywhere. In fact, the only feasible situation CBD coffee would work would be if the coffee in question was decaffeinated… but we all know that only dads drink decaf. CBD coffee is the culmination of two great things Frankenstein’d together to make one mediocre product, like Julian Lennon or those shoes that look like socks.

Feels Bad, Man

Have you guys ever had CBD coffee? I’ve had my fair share. At best, it makes you feel weird, like waking up from a nap. It’s a feeling where your body and your brain try to fight each other for dominance and you’re left all logy and confused. You don’t feel relaxed, you don’t feel alert, you just feel like a hunk of fat in clothing.

Just Say Naw

Look, I’m no square. I’m not here to rain on anybody’s parade. But damn, let’s call CBD coffee what it is: a phase that was brought to fruition by a newfound excitement for America turning green. There are plenty of solid CBD and THC-infused products out there (for what it’s worth, I think THC coffee is a total blast), but let’s be reasonable. So next time you’re at a painfully hip coffee shop in Bushwick that specializes in CBD coffee, ask yourself: do I want to feel weird today?