It’s well known that honest communication is key to good sex, yet too often in my history, I’ve avoided confronting the hard truths. I’ve let sexual partners silently make any number of inferences about my likes and dislikes, all while knowing the actual underlying explanation for my refusal to do the thing where my body has to move up and down.

So here it is: I’m not submissive, my thighs are just too weak to be on top.

That’s right lovers past, present, and future — you may have thought my insistence on doing sex while lying down (back, stomach, side all fine as long as I am horizontal) indicated a submissive streak, a need to be taken. Such a conclusion could not be further from the truth, and it’s important that the world hear my story so that others like me may be empowered to confidently self-identify into our underrepresented group.

I am an opportunistic love maker in that I take the opportunity to relax my legs during sex, and it’s pretty chill.

The only power dynamic at play is the negative power of my beautiful thighs that, despite carrying me around all day without issue, are just useless at the relentless motion of bopping around up there. Even a lateral back and forth is more than the poor fellows can bear.

In the past, I was often dishonest with myself and did everyone a disservice by unenthusiastically and laboriously putting in 20 or so seconds before performing that I had just for the first time had this interesting idea occur to me where the other person does the fucking motions instead. But that was confusing to people, and now, those days are gone.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m a complex sexual being who sometimes feels the desire to fill a more active, dominant role in the bedroom. However, I will not do that because for me it is hard.

In the meantime, I am moving toward respecting my present athletic inability while becoming more verbally commanding, like a sexy old coach with a windbreaker and a clipboard, shouting and sweating on the sidelines. And he has a thick mustache. Mmm.

So give it a try, and relax those thighs. I know I will.