Growing up Mormon in Yakima, Washington, I was told to save sex for marriage. Teachers in the Church would chew gum and say, "Would you want this now that I've used it? That's like a girl who doesn't preserve her chastity." It was hard to hear because I'm a sexual person. My mom found my vibrator when I was 15. I had to talk to a bishop about it because Mormons aren't supposed to masturbate.

Around the same time, a guy in his 20s, who had just come home from his Mormon mission, sexually assaulted me. I'd never kissed a boy. It was scary. I told my parents and our bishop, and I was banned from church for a month. I was punished because a man had touched me.

Keli Byers Courtesy Keli Byers

When I came to BYU last year, I signed its honor code and promised to live a "chaste life" — students who don't could get expelled. But my attitude changed after I joined the Young Mormon Feminists, a group that's not endorsed by the Church or BYU. We talk about how the Church doesn't see women as equal to men and how BYU is slut-shaming. The school's honor code forces women to dress modestly — no skirts above the knee — supposedly to help men control their thoughts. The group helped me reclaim my sexuality and realize my sexual assault wasn't my fault. I'm now in a questioning phase with the Church. I still think the idea of committing to someone for eternity is beautiful, but the Church could use improvement in the way it treats women.

I think the majority of students at BYU do live chastely — the consensus is you shouldn't do more than make out. But if you want sex, or a hookup, at BYU, you can find it. I have met guys on Tinder (Yes, we use Tinder!), and since we can't have men in our dorms, we'd drive to Squaw Peak, a makeout spot, and do everything but. I would definitely be considered a slut by Mormon standards.

The truth is, I'm not a virgin. I'm a sexual woman and a proud feminist, and I don't feel bad about it. But it's hard to admit that, because women at BYU who aren't virgins are treated as inferiors and that's not fair.

Talking about this could get me in trouble, but I want to start a discussion about changing an honor code that hurts women. BYU needs to know that it's OK for women to be sexual, and it's not OK to punish them for it. I care enough about this school to want to push for change. I'd rather be judged and scrutinized than silenced and shamed.

Keli Byers is a sophomore at BYU.

This article was originally published as "I'm Fighting My School's Ban on Sex" in the September 2014 issue of Cosmopolitan. Click here to subscribe to the digital edition!

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