HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in natural selection, researchers from around the globe reportedly remained divided on the issue of ugly people’s evolutionary function. “If the goal of the human adult is to reproduce, then why, after millions of years, do ugly people still remain in the gene pool?” said Dr. Laura Salz of Stanford University, theorizing that perhaps the existence of hideous or repulsive individuals helps to make the hot people in their immediate vicinity seem more sexually desirable. “Is it vestigial from ancient survival traits to scare predators away by looking disgusting, or do they serve some other unknown purpose? Because even if some do succeed in mating with each other, they will only create unsightly offspring, who will then in turn produce more uglies, ad infinitum.” Salz then excused herself to deliver her keynote speech, “Population History Of The North American Butterface.”

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