In this very informative and not at all search engine friendly post we’ve put together the teams that we can face in the Champions League when they start the draw on Monday morning and finish it some time on Tuesday afternoon when they’ve interviewed every tedious European Cup legend they can find.

To add a little extra, we’ve added some pros and cons. So here are the teams:

Barcelona

Pros: Great city, lots of good places to eat and drink, wonderful architecture, beach, cheap hooch, reasonable flights.

Cons: Messi, Neymar, Suarez

Real Madrid

Pros: They’re not as good as they should be under Rafa Benitez. Benzema might film all his teammates doing sex stuff with other people in their sex bits and destroy team harmony.

Cons: They’re still very, very good and Cristiano Ronaldo has some Champions League pedigree against us.

Atletico Madrid

Pros: The third best Spanish side we could draw.

Cons: Quite miserly in defence, they like a pressing game and we find that hard to cope with sometimes.

Wolfsburg

Pros: We’ve beaten them already (in the Emirates Cup), so they know we can turn it on when it really matters.

Cons: TGSTEL – wouldn’t it just be typical for him to play his best game ever or something? Assuming he’s not loaned to Scunthorpe before the game.

Zenit St Petersburg

Pros: Hulk is not actually The Hulk, just a Hulk. The indolence of Arshavin may still be smeared all over them.

Cons: Owned by Gazprom who sponsor the Champions League, so their progress to the final is probably already sorted.