Gotta love that Jimmy Kimmel.

I’m delighted to see that vilifying parents who choose to delay or forgo vaccines has become such an amusing national pastime.

Those parents who choose not to vaccinate their kids are all crazy, thoughtless, and completely woo woo anyway.

(They’re the most educated? Bah! They have the highest incomes? Selfish bastards).

Then there are the medical doctors and researchers who point out our current childhood vaccine schedule is the most aggressive in the world (like it’s a bulldog) and suggest some vaccines might be causing some harm, like this one, whose M.D. is from Yale School of Medicine, and this one, whose M.D. is from Dartmouth and who has over 15,000 children in a thriving pediatric practice, and this one, whose Ph.D. is from Stanford.

What totally stupid uneducated idiots!

So glad to see thoughtful medical ethicists insisting they all lose their licenses. Totally.

Don’t even get me started on the “journalists,” (like this one, and this one and this one) who report on vaccine safety issues, write balanced book reviews, and believe parents have the right to choose when and whether their kids are vaccinated. (Give me a break).

Paul Offit, M.D., said it best: those woo woo loser journalists should all be in jail.

They deserve all the scorn heaped upon them and more.

Any journalist who does anything to encourage parents not to do every vaccine on the current CDC schedule, for children and adults, should be publicly ridiculed.

I’m especially glad to hear their inboxes are filling up with anonymous messages with subject lines like, “Hey dumb bitch,” and “I know where you live.”

Send them messages with subject headings like this one.

These ad hominem attacks are a really good way to get your point across.



Scare them into silence.

Tell them you hope their children will die.

Why?

Because they are all wrong and the CDC is right. Duh.

What about you?

You haven’t let any of the misinformation on the Internet give you any doubts about whether or not to vaccinate your kids, have you?

If you have any reservations at all about the current CDC vaccine schedule, don’t worry.

It has been scientifically proven that there’s absolutely no reason for concern.

Vaccines save countless lives, just like antibiotics.

And the more vaccines we give, the more lives we save. Just like antibiotics.

Adverse reactions from vaccines occur but they are really rare.

It certainly does not matter how many vaccinations we give our babies at one time!

Why should it?

Listen, if you drink too much water you can die of water poisoning. Vaccines are like that: as safe and benign as water.

All those articles, podcasts, blogs, talks by impeccably credentialed medical doctors, scientific studies, and news reports, like this one and this one, that are making you have some doubts about some of the vaccines given to children in the United States? Forget about them.

Are you becoming concerned that we are giving 49 doses of 14 different vaccines before age six?

Are you worried that children in America have more chronic diseases (like asthma, allergies, juvenile diabetes, Crohn’s disease), autism, and learning disabilities than at any other time in America’s history?

You’re smarter than that.

Don’t even read those articles.

Since many of them are being censored from the Internet now, you won’t even be tempted.

Whatever you do, don’t do your own research.

Those weirdos propagating lies and misinformation all over the Internet?

They’re tofu eaters.

They drive Priuses.

They don’t let their kids watch TV.

They’re the last people on earth you should listen to.

You don’t need to think for yourself or do your own homework.

The CDC does that for us, duh.

Just keep insulting all those losers and sending them hate mail.

Or better yet, show them this list.

13 reasons why the CDC is right and you should vaccinate your kids:

1. You want your child to be vaccinated against a sexually transmitted disease at birth that he has no chance of catching.

Unless you have tested positive for Hepatitis B, you are an intravenous drug user, or your kid is at risk of receiving a tainted blood transfusion, your newborn has no way of being exposed to Hepatitis B, a disease that is spread through body fluid contact (blood, semen, vaginal secretions, spit). Norway, Finland, Iceland, Britain, and Sweden—all countries where infants have better health outcomes than in America—don’t give a Hepatitis B vaccine to infants in the absence of medical indication. But so what if CDC officials themselves are refusing the birth dose of this vaccine for their kids because they know it is not necessary? (I read that in this book. Two words: journalism jail.) It’s never too soon to protect against STDs.

2. You don’t care that a 2010 study found that infant boys who received the recommended three doses of the Hepatitis B vaccine starting at birth were three times as likely to develop autism than boys who were never vaccinated or who were vaccinated after the first month of life.

Bring on the birth dose of the Hepatitis B! Jimmy Kimmel’s daughter got it. You want your newborn to get it too.

3. You’ve never interviewed an immunologist who studies animal immune systems so you don’t realize that provoking a newborn animal’s immune system is done to disrupt and damage that immune system and then study the disruptions.

Humans aren’t animals so you know it’s okay to vaccinate within a few hours of birth.

4. You don’t care that a senior scientist at the CDC, William Thompson, Ph.D., has admitted to manipulating and falsifying data about the link between the MMR vaccine and autism in African-American boys.

5. You also don’t care that Merck has two major lawsuits pending by scientists who claim that the company deliberately falsified and destroyed data about the efficacy of the mumps component of the MMR vaccine.

All vaccines work all the time. And all vaccines are necessary for all children. Your doctor said so.

6. Nor do you care that the main author on the CDC study that “proves” vaccines do not cause autism, Poul Thorsen, is wanted by the Office of the Inspector General of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services for embezzling money.

Over a period of six years Thorsen stole over $1 million from the CDC, submitting forged invoices on CDC letterhead. But the “science” produced by this criminal is, of course, rock solid. And that “science” proves that vaccines do not cause autism. ‘Cause they don’t.

7. You’re not interested in the hundreds of thousands of stories from parents, like this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one, whose children were harmed by vaccines.

Every single one of them is a deluded kook and a liar. Ignore them and vaccinate your kids already, will you? They get **all** their health information from Jenny McCarthy.

What do parents actually know about their kids anyway? Sure, they all started off pro-vaccine, just like me and you, and all they did was what their doctors instructed them to do. But those same doctors deny it is possible that it was the vaccines that harmed these seemingly healthy, normally developing young children. You believe the pediatricians over the parents. Every single time.

8. You agree that researchers who uncover problems with vaccines should be silenced and that journalists who write about children who suffer neurological damage from vaccines should go to “journalism jail.”

Because science only has one side and freedom of the press should not apply to fair and impartial reporting about vaccine safety or whether you should vaccinate your kids.

9. You also think it’s totally irrelevant that there are now literally thousands of doctors, nurses, and health care professionals who are also speaking out against America’s overuse of vaccines, like this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.

And even more health care professionals who are privately choosing to selectively vaccinate their children but know they cannot say so publicly for fear of professional retribution.

Though they have higher degrees (M.D.s and Ph.D.s) from the best universities, nothing to gain either personally or professionally, and years of experience and expertise, they are all quacks.

Harvard? Cornell? Yale? Stanford? Hotbeds of woo.

10. You know vaccines have myriad side effects and can trigger autism, allergies, eczema, fainting spells, and even death.

But you’re not worried that your child might have an unidentified “mitochondrial disorder,” MTHFR mutation, a vitamin D deficiency, or any other susceptibility that would make it dangerous for him to get some vaccines.

11. You don’t give the shake of a rat’s tail about the fact that there has never been a large-scale vaccine safety study done comparing health outcomes of completely unvaccinated children to fully vaccinated children.

We could never do that study! All the unvaccinated children would die of the measles before it was completed.

So what if you learned in Science 101 that having no statistically significant control groups in “scientific” studies makes it impossible to draw accurate scientific conclusions?

12. You know that public health officials and, especially, doctors have no reason to mislead the public and have never done so in the past.

No, the CDC and government agencies have not knowingly misled Americans about safe levels of lead in the water, doctors have not advertised the health benefits of cigarettes, obstetricians have not reassured pregnant women that X-rays during pregnancy were not only safe for the fetus but necessary to measure the size of the pelvis.

Ut oh. Nope.

La-la-la-la-la.

What? I can’t hear you.

I’m busy right now burying my head in the sand.

13. You’re also not worried about your infant being exposed to possibly toxic levels of aluminum found in vaccines. Aluminum poisoning may worry the Japanese, there may be a slew of research showing aluminum is not safe, but it doesn’t worry you.

The “notion that aluminum in vaccines is safe appears to be widely accepted,” write Lucija Tomljenovic, who has a Ph.D. in biochemistry and Christopher Shaw, Ph.D., who teaches in the graduate program in neuroscience at the University of British Columbia in the journal Current Medical Chemistry.

Experimental research, however, clearly shows that aluminum adjuvants have a potential to induce serious immunological disorders in humans. In particular, aluminum in adjuvant form carries a risk for autoimmunity, long-term brain inflammation and associated neurological complications and may thus have profound and widespread adverse health consequences. In our opinion, the possibility that vaccine benefits may have been overrated and the risk of potential adverse effects underestimated, has not been rigorously evaluated in the medical and scientific community.

Dufuses.

Did you know that vaccine-friendly doctors welcome conversations with parents about the risks and benefits of vaccines and whether and when to vaccinate your kids at all?

Dr. Sears and Naturally Nicole’s lists of vaccine-friendly doctors have now been deleted from the Internet.

Good thing you’ve never heard of a vaccine-friendly doctor who will talk to you about how and when to vaccinate your kids.

But in case you were wondering, vaccine-friendly doctors allow parents to make informed choices about when and how to vaccinate, about delaying, and even foregoing, some vaccines.

Vaccine-friendly doctors are a threat to the health of all our children.

You should not be allowed to TALK about this.

Shut the f**k up and just vaccinate your kids.

Those doctors?

Total quacks!

Say it with me: Vaccinate your kids.

#vaxwithme

#whyIvax

#vaccinateyourfuckingkids

Bottom line: You’re a baby killer if you don’t vaccinate your kids according to CDC’s current childhood vaccination guidelines. If you don’t vaccinate your kids for every single vaccine on the schedule you are committing child abuse.

One size fits all.

Your doctor knows best.

The CDC knows even better.

They’ve got your baby’s back.

So what if they put a bullet in it?

This post is not designed to and does not provide medical advice, professional diagnosis, opinion, treatment, or services to you, your child, or to any other individual. This post is not designed to tell you whether or not to vaccinate your kids. General information is provided here for educational purposes only.

Published: March 31, 2015

Last update: April 28, 2020

Feeling click-y? Other articles you might like:

Wondering About Vaccines, Not Sure Where to Start

How Much Baby Tylenol is Safe?

Tylenol Alternatives: Better, Safer Remedies