The price of red bell peppers is, I assume, twenty dollars per pepper. Green bell peppers seem like they’re eighteen. If my housekeeper goes to Whole Foods Market and spends an equal amount of money on green and red peppers, what is the ratio of green to red that she will cook later for my extremely rich husband and me?

(a) 1:1

(b) 3:4

(c) 10:9

(d) 20:18

Answer: (d). My family deserves a lot of bell peppers.

Let’s say you have a 3.4 G.P.A. at Trump University during your first semester of enrollment. In order to receive the 4.0 Golden Real-Estate Plaque instead of a diploma, you must pay for at least seven more semesters. What does your average G.P.A. need to be to warrant this great honor?

(a) 3.4

(b) 3.5

(c) 3.6

(d) None of the above

Answer: (d). This is impossible, unless you are offering to pay for a few extra semesters, in which case this will be very possible.

Your current school, P.S. 132, is receiving ten per cent of its funding from the federal government. If I want to shut it down and turn it into a private school, I will personally save money.

(a) True

(b) False

Answer: (a). The taxpayer, who both President Trump and I definitely are, will no longer have to pay for your sad education.

Should the scores from this test later be used to determine your proficiency or your growth?

(a) Proficiency

(b) Growth

(c) Yes

Answer: (c)?

If you accrue thirty thousand dollars in student loans attending your local university, then pursue a career that doesn’t pay seven figures, like, immediately, how much money will you eventually have to pay a debt collector—let’s call it Not DeVos Corporation—after adding, oh, I don’t know, fifty per cent to the balance?

(a) My friends have Pell Grants

(b) forty-five thousand dollars

(c) What is a Pell Grant?

(d) ??

Answer: (b). But please answer (a) and (c) for extra credit.

A local high-school principal has with him a grizzly bear, a bag of beans, and a gun. He must use a boat to cross the river beside his home, but the boat can only hold him and one of the other items. How can he cross the river and transport what he needs?

(a) He can take the bag of beans first.

(b) He can take the gun first.

(c) He can take the bear first.

(d) He can shoot the bear, like he is supposed to, according to his job description, and then take the beans home and leave the gun at school. (He doesn’t need to bring the bear carcass home.)

Answer: (d). Confidently, (d).