7 Ways to Support a Friend Who's Questioning Their Sexuality

Being a supportive, helpful friend is the best thing you can do for someone who is questioning their sexuality.

If you proudly identify as a member of the LGBT community, you may have a friend secretly tell you that they're questioning their sexuality. While your natural response is to scream “ONE OF US” and deploy the rainbow confetti from overhead, I’d recommend taking a step back.

Here are some positive ways to support a friend who’s questioning their sexuality.

1. Don’t use labels

Labels are fucking terrifying, especially for people who are questioning. Even if they say they're interested in someone of the same gender, there’s still no need to use the word gay or bisexual. Let them be the one to use it when they're ready.

2. Avoid asking yes or no questions

“What type of thoughts have you been having?” “How have they affected you?” Try to get them to open up a little bit. Sometimes, the mere act of saying the words aloud is enough to clarify our hazy thoughts. Give them an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings.

3. Listen, and then, if appropriate, advise

Yes, you’ve been there, and you’re going to have a mighty urge to give advice. Hold back. Don’t initially spew advice the moment they talk to you. Listen to them first. Then, after they're all out of words, ask if you can tell them what was helpful for you. If they say yes, then feel free to advise lightly.

4. Realize their path is different

But there are SO many similarities between you and them. You had identical thoughts when questioning. That might be the case, but they didn’t grow up in your household. They didn’t have the same friends. Their life is different. Treat it as such.

5. Don’t hook up with them

This shouldn’t need to be said, but I will still say it because I’ve seen it happen. Your friend is not coming to you to experiment. They're coming to you for help. Help is not taking advantage of a vulnerable and confused friend by shoving your lips on their face.

6. Don’t push them in any direction

Encourage acceptance, open-mindedness, and exploration. Emphasize the importance of living without self-judgment. Do not push them in a “straighter” or “gayer” direction. That’s not your job as a friend.

7. Expand your concept of "straightness"

A straight person can acknowledge that a gay person is cute. That doesn’t mean they're gay or bi. Let’s push the limits of what straight can be. I’d even go as far as to say that straight people can have a little crush on someone of the same sex and still consider themselves straight. A person’s sexual identity shouldn’t erupt because of a single thought. That doesn’t do any good for straight OR LGBT folks.