Only a small fraction of the women I have dated have acted-out consistently on the narcissistic spectrum. I have combined the experiences with those women into a composite for the purposes of this article, and I have attempted to disguise their identity. This composite is the female narcissist. There seems to be a notion that narcissistic behavior is usually perpetrated by men. I hope this article helps to counter-balance that stereotype.

Narcissism and codependence: two sides of the same coin

Most of us can express traits of narcissism and codependence at different times in our lives, and in different relationships, especially when under stress. Narcissism and codependence are both diseases of responsibility. The narcissist takes too little responsibility, while the codependent takes too much responsibility. In a healthy system, responsibility is well aligned with response-ability, so that adaptive action can be taken.

When ability to respond is decoupled from responsibility, people start to get disabled. This is very clearly visible in a relationship between a drug addict and their “enabler.” The codependent enabler tries to get the addict to stop taking their drug of choice, while the addict, the one with the power to stop, is happy to abdicate their responsibility and rely on the codependent enabler. The result is disability: the resources and patience of the addict’s partner get increasingly depleted, while the addict slowly dies. The couple spiral into hopeless despair together.

It takes two to tango

Just as it takes two people to have a healthy relationship, it also takes two people to have a dysfunctional relationship. It’s easy to complain about a narcissistic partner without owning the part of the dysfunction that enables them. I have stuck around many times when I really should have left. A benefit of not leaving is that I get to tell you some weird stories about what happened next.

It’s harder to see the non-abuser, the “victim,” as dysfunctional. We want to jump in and save the victim from the perpetrator. The polarization of the system pulls us into the third role: the savior. The reality is that in a relationship between two consenting adults, the responsibility for continued dysfunction is shared between both people.

With all that said, here are some examples of things that happen when you’re in relationship with a narcissist. You might recognize some of them.

I didn’t know what I knew

Me: Please tell him to call me at work.

Her: Ok, I’ll tell him to call you at 415–1111–1111.

Me: No, that’s not my work number. My work number is 415–888–8888

Her: No it’s not! Your work number is 415–111–1111.

Me: Have you ever called my work number?

Her: No. But I know it’s 415–111–1111.

Me: How do you know?

Her: I just do.

The ultimate knowledge of reality lies with the narcissist. They must create and maintain a model of the world that pleases them. They will assert this reality onto the codependent, and others, insisting that the other believes it. Often, the aspects of reality that are being asserted are subjective and arguable, but sometimes they are beliefs that do not match easily verifiable facts.

I didn’t feel what I felt

Me: I feel sadness

Her: No you don’t. You feel angry!

Me: I don’t think I feel angry. How do you know that?

Her: I can hear that you’re angry by the sound of your voice!

Me: Oh. I thought I felt sadness.

Her: STOP SHOUTING AT ME!

Me: I’m not shouting at you. I’m talking at a normal volume.

Her: I need you to do something about your anger.

Me: I feel frustrated now.

The narcissistic process, needing to maintain a perfect self-image, will project all negative qualities onto others, particularly the codependent. After enough of these relationships, it becomes possible to know what is happening inside the narcissist, or in their world, simply by listening to their accusations. This example also demonstrates projective identification, where the codependent enabler actually starts to take on the projected role.

My feelings were abusive

Her: How are you feeling?

Me: I feel scared.

Her: What do you feel scared about?

Me: I feel scared that you might start yelling at me.

Her: That’s abuse!

Me: What’s abuse?

Her: You’re emotionally abusing me!

Me: How am I emotionally abusing you?

Her: You’re attacking me with your feelings!

Me: I think it’s healthy to reveal my feelings

Her: It’s not when it hurts me!

Me: What should I do?

Her: YOU SHOULDN’T BE FEELING SCARED!

To the narcissist, your feelings are not important. What’s important to them is that you’re fulfilling the role that they have assigned to you. There is no room for your feelings in that, unless you’re feeling positive emotions such as admiration or love. Since the narcissist takes no responsibility for their experience, including feelings, any negative experience must be your fault.

I was responsible for her violence

Me: Sally told me that you hit her.

Her: So what if I did!

Me: I don’t think you should hit a little child.

Her: She hit me first!

Me: It doesn’t matter. You’re the adult. You should never hit a child.

Her: It’s your fault that I hit her anyway!

Me: It’s my fault? How come?

Her: You made me angry.

Me: How did I make you angry?

Her: I thought about something you said and that made me angry!

This example is at the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism. The codependent’s mere existence is justification of the narcissist’s perpetration of violence. There is an absolute decoupling of action from the assignment of responsibility.

I was 100% to blame

Me: I’m really sorry for hurting you in our relationship.

Her: You should be.

Me: I got hurt too.

Her: It’s your own fault.

Me: I think that we’re equally responsible for what happened in our relationship.

Her: I didn’t do anything wrong.

Me: Wait, you really believe that I’m 100% responsible for all the dysfunction in our relationship?

Her: Of course!

A relationship is doomed to failure under these conditions. Some relationships last while both people are crushed under the weight of dysfunction, but eventually such a brittle system snaps.

Everything was always about me

Her: Why were you talking to that girl?

Me: She came over and asked me a question.

Her: Were you attracted to her?

Me: I don’t know. Not really, I guess.

Her: I don’t believe you. You were hitting on her!

Me: I was? I don’t think I was.

Her: I could tell you were!

Me: Oh, okay. You know I feel kind of stressed right now.

Her: Why?

Me: I was just trying to read my book and then this happened.

Her: Oh, it always has to be about you!

This is another instance of projection. Everything is actually always about the narcissist, particularly since there is no room in the relationship for the codependent’s reality. The enabler must warp themselves to fit the needs of the narcissist. Any attempt to assert the self as an independent entity is met with strong resistance.

Conclusion

I hope that with these examples I have helped you to spot the signs of narcissistic behavior. Perhaps, like me, you tend towards codependence. Perhaps you have been immersed so long in your current situation that you have not noticed these dynamics ramping up. Perhaps this is a wake-up call. Perhaps it’s time to regain your power and freedom.

Support

My wife, Cindy Riach, is highly experienced at supporting people who struggle in relationship with women who are on the narcissistic spectrum. I recommend that you contact her for a free consultation.

I also recommend reading The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family.

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