Coming Out

December 31st: I woke up knowing what had to happen today. Now. It had to be now. Fear gripped and twisted my stomach, but hope for a loving future guided me to my parents’ bedroom. I felt like I was marching toward my death.

A few months prior, I had made the goal to tell my parents I am gay before the end of the year. So on New Year’s Eve, I crawled in bed between those committed to love me, a familiar place. Even at the age of 22, I would still get in bed with my parents on the days when I slept at home. Sometimes we would just lie there, other times we would chat. This morning we would talk about a hidden past and an unknown future. Hardly anything to actually say, yet the hardest words I would ever speak.

We started with small talk. I was poised and prepped. We passed a nice Christmas break together as a family; I felt I had put in the work to get them in the ideal mood to shatter their world.

I’m ready. Wait. Dad gets a phone call. He hops out of bed. I can’t keep it together.

Mom looks at me. She knows something is about to go down.

“What do you want to say?”

“I want to wait for Dad.”

Mom is confused and a little offended. She is my best friend—she’s accustomed to being my “parent of choice.” Why would I need to wait for dad?

She keeps pushing and I give in.

I look at her. Concern is deeply rooted in her warm blue eyes.

“You know.”

“No I don’t,” she says as fear creates lines between her eyebrows.

“You know.” I repeat.

Tears flood her eyes as she tries to verbally convince herself, “No, I don’t!”

“Mom, I’m gay.”

I am Benny Cardullo. I am Mormon. I am gay, and I love it—all of it.

Early Life

I’ve known that I like boys before I even knew that it meant I was gay. That said, I didn’t stay ignorant for long. I quickly learned to hate the part of myself that loved romantically. I loved God, and I was always taught that if I loved Him, I should keep His commandments. And of course, the commandments meant no boys, so I locked those feelings away. I shoved them down—dark and deep, and if they ever came out I would beat them into submission. I was merciless. Those feelings were evil. If I cared for my Savior, if I wanted to “put off the natural man,” I would have to beat my homosexuality into submission.

Only then could I love God. Only then could I be a part of His kingdom. Only then could I be good.

I was born into a very loving, vibrant, energetic, and religious family. My childhood is painted by memories of nightly dinners full of laughter, warm cuddles, and kneeling in family prayer.

I was happy, but I quickly learned to be careful. I learned I was broken. I was always haunted by my ugly truth. I knew the monster I was, but if I didn’t address him, was he really there?

Need for Change

As a student at Brigham Young University during Fall semester of 2017, I sat down with my best friend, and we talked about how I was angry—angry all of the time. Something that was not very characteristic of me. Suddenly my friend spoke up and said, “Benny, I think your life has been a prolonged stage of grief—you’re in the anger stage.”

I then had successive flashbacks of my 22 years on this earth.

Depression: my whole life trying to hide the monster

Denial: my high school years

Bargaining: my LDS mission

Anger: currently living it

Acceptance: pending

All the stages of grief were there, granted out of order, but they were there. All that was left was to accept myself.

I wanted to tell my family before I told many more people. I won’t go into the details of the aftermath, but let’s just say that although people (including certain members of my family) didn’t react as well as I had hoped they would, I felt strong, peaceful, and hopeful. I felt the surety that comes from knowing you’re doing the right thing. My identity was free from confusion and mixed messages; I was finally free to be an unadulterated version of myself. I had been holding my breath since I was 13 years old and realized I spent an unusual amount of time in the men’s underwear section, but now I could finally breathe.

I only told a select few about my sexual orientation before I told my family, but now that my family knew, I didn’t care who else did. I found that most people don’t mind at all that I am gay, but it was acting on it that had a polarizing effect on the relationships in my life.

Decision to Date

The decision for me to act upon my sexuality was an extremely hard one to make. I was raised homophobic and very religious—God has always been my priority, and I never imagined that I could be both actively religious and actively gay. I never thought to ask God what He thought about it. What would I pray for? The option to sin? My lack of prayer did not stop God from communicating to me. One day I was in the shower, simply speaking to God as I often did, telling him about my day, what I learned in school, and about the concept of absolute truth. I was expressing how so often we follow our own truth but how that supposed personal truth ends up being completely untrue. Immediately he responded to my heart, “It’s amazing how often what we KNOW isn’t TRUE.”

I began to question:

“When I am resurrected and healed, will I stop being gay?” “No.” “If I don’t need to be healed, am I broken?” “No.” “If I’m not broken, is being gay a bad thing?” “No.” “If being gay isn’t a bad thing . . . can I act upon it?” “Follow the feelings of your heart.”

This is the answer I received: follow the feelings of your heart. Well, my heart was freaking out! After that experience, I only gave gratitude prayers for three days. I didn’t want to hear what God had to say. If I started dating boys, my life would be ruined. I could lose the support of my family, my friendships would be called into question, I would lose the support of my church, and I would be kicked out of school.

But finally, I prayed again and was prompted to start dating. That very same night, I made an appointment with my LDS bishop and told him all the thoughts of my heart. My bishop looked at me with visible love in his eyes and said, “I can see you are happy, I see you’re at peace. I honestly wish all of the members of my congregation were where you are spiritually. So I can’t tell you to live your life any other way.” We then discussed what dating boys meant for me, my membership in the church, and my enrollment at BYU. After research on his end, he discovered I would not be allowed to date and attend BYU; however, he didn’t see a problem in providing me full membership in the church as long as I continued to date following the guidelines the church provides for heterosexual relationships. I will never forget what he told me: “I hate to see you punished for a system that is not ready for you.”

Life in the Church

I have been dating for nine months now, and those nine months have been some of the most rewarding and challenging months of my life. Many people have pressured me into making a choice between Mormonism and my sexuality. It has taken a lot of prayer, scripture study, and meditation for me to confidently say that I can be both. I am still the person I was before, and just because I am being more true to myself does not mean I am negating what I once loved and knew. I still know it, I still love it. Being gay does not change my faith.

Of course, attending church is harder than it used to be, but growing experiences are rarely easy. Why do we go to church if not to grow and develop ourselves as spiritual beings? I speak for myself when I say that the majority of people have been overwhelmingly kind and understanding. I love my fellow members of the LDS faith; however, I don’t go to church for them. I go in an effort to stay close to God and worship Him in the ways He has asked me to. Going to church, I learn of Him, I speak of Him, and I invite Him into my life. I grow more powerful as a person.

So, to members of my church, I ask you to create a nurturing environment for those who are different than you. Help them develop and grow—provide a space where the Spirit can work. Don’t get in the way of the Lord providing blessings to His children. Love and support should not be contingent on someone else’s life choices, nor the hope that they alter their life path. Let’s view love like we view repentance: a gift free to everyone.

To my LGBTQ+ peers, please don’t feel like you have to choose between God and your sexuality. Don’t let the ignorance and fear that others may hold against you keep you from making choices based on the love in your heart and the conviction of your thoughts. Know that you are loved. Know that God is always with you and His love is never failing. Even if you feel you have turned your back on Him, He will never turn His back on you. You are not a mistake. You are exactly who you are supposed to be. The Lord needs you in His kingdom, and not just on earth but in the heavens as well.

So the question I once asked myself: Can you be both?

Yes! I am gay. I am Mormon. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it.