Going into Team of the Year, I was looking forward to building my FUT dream team for a reasonable price. I sold all of my expensive players early in anticipation, and could not wait to pick up the high rated players that had occasional appearances in my wet dreams. For a price I sought fit, I picked up my players including Neymar, Suarez, Iniesta, and Neuer to throw into a beastly squad. Going into my first games, I was extremely optimistic, but found myself not even enjoying these players as much as I had expected. I had 40k left in the federal reserves of Pogbas Pals, and had to figure out something new to try.

That's when I had the idea of throwing together a silver team, since I have always been a fan of silvers since FIFA 13(Inform Benteke <3). I browsed some player stats on Futhead, and came across the beast that I had watched in Youtube clips that had the boot strength of a rhino on cocaine. This fellow’s name is Ronny Heberson Furtado de Araújo, also known as Ronny.

Let's get down and dirty with the official review:

Pace: Although he may seem like he has the foot speed of Mertesacker’s grandmother, He easily feels faster than his given 52 pace, and can even latch onto a through ball or two if he’s feeling frisky. His low stamina also plays a part in this, and he will be panting like a fat man trying to run a 5K in a ski suit. Overall I didn't find this to be a huge problem. I’ll give him an overall 8/10 for pace.

Shooting: Oh baby here we go. Shooting. This man bangs in goal after goal, short range and long range, with no problems or stress. His shot power is so powerful it could move Arsenal out of 4th place and Chelsea out of the relegation zone. His curve is so great it could curve even the smoothest of fuckboys. And his free kicks are more beautiful than a mix of Kate Upton, Megan Fox, and Alex Morgan. Easy 10/10 for the balding Brazilian beauty.

Passing: Probably Ronny’s second best attribute behind shooting, his passing is immaculate. His passes are so perfect they could reconnect Valbuena and Benzema with ease. His over the top through balls somehow manage to connect quite often with the striker, and he bags more dimes than a Nando’s tip jar. It’s a 9/10 for the Ron Man.

Dribbling: A relatively strong area for Ronny, he can use his good balance and ball control to turn quickly towards goal and unload on goal like a pornstar in a bukkake scene. Although he only has 3* skills, all you need is a ball roll here and roulette there to get some space to have a cheeky go at goal. A nice 9/10 for the Man

Defending: Not very important if you are playing him in the right position, as this man like to stay forward on the pitch near the opposing keeper, which he soon plans to make his prized bitch. But if needed, the old geezer can put a few decent tackles in when he feels he wants to. 7/10 for defending is reasonable.

Physical: Somewhat of an expected let down in this card, Ronny is not the man you want to go to if looking for pure brute force. His height is debatable as well, standing at a mediocre 5’7”, which leaves him hopelessly attempting to win balls in the air in the midfield. A reasonable 7/10 for Ronny.

Overall, Ronny will save you with his god like free kicks and long shots at any time during any match against any opponent. His strikes are more savage and dangerous than a Fifa twitter beef, and will leave your opponent left begging at the hands of Ronny, pleading with him to stop the pain and suffering, only to be cock slapped across the face and slammed with more ferocious bangers from Ronny.