Hi, it’s me, Betch Waldorf, your recapper. Please hold the applause. Sorry for not posting a recap last week, but someone *cough, cough* MTV STUDIOS *cough* did not send me the episode in advance and your girl doesn’t have cable because I’m a refined human being that uses Netflix and illegal downloading exclusively.

Anyway, I’m going to combine last week’s and last night’s episode in one. Here we go.

LAST WEEK MINI RECAP

Guess what—Geles and Anthony are not a match. This comes as a shock to literally no one watching the show, but everyone on the show. Tyler literally said he would “bet his life on Geles and Anthony being a match” and look, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I’m here to collect.

Michael broke up with Keyana because she was acting like she was a second away from looking up body transfusion surgeries with him. She’s like “I don’t care about the money, I just want him.” If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of me loudly groaning at how stupid she is.

The girls go to pick at the match-up ceremony and they get a combined, wait for it, wait for it—one beam. I honestly think it takes hard work to be dumber than the posse of idiot men on the show, so really, great work to all involved. This shit right here is why we get paid 72 cents to every dipshit man’s dollar.

Mike tells Alivia he doesn’t see her and Kareem being a match, and Kareem loses his fucking mind. While he’s having a mental breakdown in the corner and about to tell Michael to “say hello to his little friend”, Zoe is like, “wow look how Kareem stands up for Alivia, I want that.”

Zoe’s strategy this game is to keep her standards super low and just leave them like that until like, she dies. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.

Also, Geles is low-key into Ethan now which like, THANK YOU #SomeoneLoveEthan

After the challenge, where MTV gets the house drunk and makes them do dumb shit (what, MTV?! Never! They would NEVER do that!!!), Nurys and Malcolm get called into the truth booth. They like, confess their love to each other after 14 days and off they go.

Okay I feel like that was substantial. Anyway, onto that new new shit.

THE TRUTH BOOTH CLIFFHANGER

Nurys and Malcolm are in the Truth Booth while DD is praying to her voodoo doll of Malcolm that they are not a match. Luckily for DD, we live in a world that’s going to shit and nothing makes sense anymore, so they aren’t a match.

Nurys and Malcolm start crying and DD’s like “Malcolm, you can cry on my shoulder!” The funny thing about her shoulder is it’s located on her vagina.

AT THE HOUSE

So can we talk about Shad? Let’s do it.

First of all, it’s like his parents wanted him to have an STD growing up, with the name Shad. Like, how can we make our kid INSTANTLY unlikeable? I know, let’s name him fucking Shad.

Second of all, Shad has lived up to my original analysis of being the dude at the frat party who asks you “who you know here” and the proceeds to give you raper face from across the room. Honestly, am I saying all of this because I hate his haircut? Possibly.

Shad’s talking to Alexis about her tattoos and she goes “this tattoo says ‘live free!’” So inspiring, I think to myself. “…And it’s about my cousin who murdered her best friend when she was 17.” AAAAAND we’re back.

Shad will literally do anything to have a semblance of a connection to a girl and he’s like “I too have a tattoo in homage to a murderer.” *whips out his Jeffrey Dahmer tattoo* Hey, Alexis and her family may be incestual murderers, but at least they fucking stand for the flag, dammit! This is America!!!!

Nurys thinks Malcolm will leave her for someone else and he’s like “Really?! You think I would do that?” Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Donald Trump bathe in self tanner?

Nurys doesn’t want to get to know any other dudes while Malcolm is like “we need to play the game… but I want you to have my babies.” Well, that escalated quickly.

Geles and Anthony are back on their bullshit and have sex, even though they aren’t a match and she’s with Ethan, DAMMIT. LOVE ETHAN.

Zoe and Keith, who both don’t seem like the sharpest crayons in the box, are talking strategy. LOL. Meanwhile, Alexis is stressed because she caught the feels for Keith, but I think she should be more worried about being shot at a family reunion.

Kareem decides to take Alivia fishing, because that’s not the most boring shit I have ever heard. Also, why do they get to leave the house? Why doesn’t ETHAN GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, HUH?

ME RN:

KAREEM: I have this great date planned! First, we’re going to watch paint dry. Then we’re going to sit in silence for an hour. So glad we met on this show, I really think the matchmakers got it right.

Kareem keeps complimenting Alivia and she’s like “I wonder why I like him!!!!” Yeah, huh, I wonder why. They both are like “I don’t want to give up this fling for money”—spoken like a true poor person.

Michael and Audrey are talking while Keyana is sobbing in the corner. Ethan is trying to comfort the crazy girl who is obsessed with a dude who looks like a young Mr. Incredible and I really feel like he’s doing his best.

REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:

MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Off the bat, Terrence J is wearing a sweater that look likes it came from a 90’s sitcom. I’m half expecting the background music to start playing—“in West Philadelphia, born and raised…” He starts asking everyone how they are doing and it’s like, aren’t you out past Uncle Phil’s curfew?

Malcolm’s up first and he and Nurys are like “we’re still together.” Everyone else is like, “the fuck you are.”

Malcolm picks Geles, which Nurys is thrilled about because she hates DD. Everyone else is like, “this is randoooooom.” Geles doesn’t comment, though, because she barely can see what’s going on through the shag carpet she calls eyelashes.

Malcolm reveals he doesn’t want to make Nurys mad by sitting next to DD.

@ Malcolm:

Michael picks Audrey, while Keyana is like “I would take a bullet for Michael!” Is there an on-set therapist?

Joe picks Zoe.

Kareem picks Alivia.

Tyler, who’s so deep in the friend zone it’s beyond repair, picks Nicole.

Dimitri picks Nurys.

Shad picks Keyana.

Ethan picks Alexis. Okay Ethan, I want you to find love, not end up 6 feet under with a possible meth addiction.

Clinton obviously picks Uche and Jada is still, obviously, still weirdly pissed about it.

Clinton’s like “Uche and I could go to church together.” Damn, and I thought fishing was bad. At least I know that fish are real and not some made-up shit from thousands of years ago. What? Who said that?

Anthony picks Jada. And Keith picks DD.

Honestly, this match-up makes zero fucking sense, which is probably why they only end up with two beams. Looooosaaaahs.

Malcolm goes to talk to DD and is like “I didn’t pick you because I didn’t want to look like a player.” DD is like “you should be with me because I can make you better.” Did you know that one of the D’s in DD’s nickname stands for desperate?

THE CHALLENGE

This time the girls get to do the challenge and if it’s anything like their match-up ceremony, it’s gonna be a bigger train wreck than the year 2017.

They all pair up into couples and the girls get asked trivia questions about the dudes. If they get it wrong, they get Mardi Gras powder in their face and are out. Last 3 couples standing get to go on a date.

Off the bat, Nurys immediately gets Anthony’s question wrong. Not shocked.

Alexis and Shad are out because he would rather be skinny than poor. Fuckin’ Shad.

Geles and Ethan make it in because LOVE ETHAN.

Malcolm shares that he has some fucking horrible taste in Batman preferences and everyone is furious. He gets out because he likes Ben Affleck more than Christian Bale and that literally makes no sense at all. Does anyone like Ben Affleck after the news this week?

Michael and Audrey are out. Womp womp. Well, at least they still have their white privilege.

Nicole gets asked “Would Dimitri rather live in the Midwest or Manhattan?” and she deadass doesn’t know the difference between Manhattan and the Midwest. One is the place you see represented in every movie ever, and the other is the place that swears to god that coal mining is making a comeback and still weirdly enough runs our country (shoutout to the Electoral College).

Keyana and Tyler are out, because obviously.

Uche and Clinton need to win so they can go on a date, and of course they fuck it up.

So, the couples are Ethan & Geles, Zoe & Keith and Dimiti & Nicole. AKA a bunch of no matches.

Terrence J is like “you’re about to go on the best date ever!” and then sends them on a bar crawl. Honestly, for once the date lived up to Terrence’s description.

THE DATE

Dimitri is super excited to go on a date with Nicole because of her winning personality huge tits.

Nicole thinks the fact that Dimitri acts like a 7-year-old is adorable. She’s always been a good babysitter and is even CPR certified. She can certainly provide references if you need them.

Dimitri and Nicole start making out. Riveting. Moving on.

Keith and Zoe are being forced into this date by producers like nobody’s business. I imagine someone is legit waving a gun behind the camera, because they look more uncomfortable than an Ikea bed. Keith is like “I don’t think you’re interested in me” and Zoe’s like *takes deep breath of relief* “omg I can’t fuckin’ stand you.”

Zoe tells him that she’s into Kareem and Keith/everyone watching is like “but why?”

Ethan straight-up tells Geles that her being with Anthony makes this friend date suuuuuuper uncomfortable. She’s like “I feel bad. Next time we’ll have sex a little less obviously.”

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Like most grown-ass adults, the folks at the house decide to do a sumo wrestling competition and the winner has to do a dare? Not sure how that works, but let’s just go with it.

They strap pillows around themselves and start running into each other, which will probably result in them losing the remaining few brain cells they each have.

Jada is up and if she wins she gets to lick Nutella off Clintons abs. She’s like “time to suit the fuck up.” If Jada had half as much determination in real life as she does to lick Clinton, shiiiiiit, she might actually have a real job by now. #AnythingIsPossible

However, Audrey is surprisingly strong and ends up beating Jada. Better luck next time.

The winner of Anthony and Michael’s match get the super special opportunity to… lick peanut butter of Nurys’ nipple? Wait what?

Anthony is like….”uh, what?” And I share his sentiments. Damn, you just whip the tit out for any old dude with a pillow duct taped to his chest? Not judging but….

Guess who walks in riiiiiiight as Micheal is flicking Nurys’ perky bits—good old Malcolm, who’s given up his player ways for a total of 10 days.

He’s like “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I AM THE BEACON OF LOYALTY!” And Nurys is like “but, honey. It was a dare!!!” For once I agree with Malcolm when he’s like “are you fucking serious?” Nurys has the logic of a Trump administration staff member.

Malcolm can’t even sit with a girl at a match-up ceremony and Nurys is over here letting everyone milk the fuckin’ cow for a sumo game. Yiiiiiiikes, double standards are cringeworthy. Malcolm does what I would have done too, and immediately grabs desperate AF DD and drags her to the boom boom room.

SO I guess that’s one no-match couple down. Thanks Nurys’ titty for saving the game!