THE Brownlow — the night I owned for many years.

I owned the red carpet before the count — because I didn’t walk on it. Seriously, who’s got time for that s**t?

I owned the votes during the count. I polled 186 votes from 258 games — that’s more than Simon Black, Bucks and Crawf. But who’s counting?

And, of course, I owned the post-count festivities like few others. It gave me a great grounding for my 2017 European adventures.

Round 18

For any players — or random freeloaders — attending the Brownlow Medal count for the first time, the whole experience can be a bit overwhelming.

FORMGUIDE: WHEN FAVOURITES WILL MAKE THEIR MOVE

CLUB-BY-CLUB GUIDE: YOUR TEAM’S BEST HOPE

ULTIMATE GUIDE: THE 2017 BROWNLOW MEDAL

LISTEN TO OUR BROWNLOW MEDAL PREVIEW PODCAST, OR SUBSCRIBE HERE IN ITUNES

So here are a few of my wise tips to survive the night.

1. Get there late.

It’s a pain in the arse, Brownlow night — especially after Fev f***ed it for everyone by carrying on during Street Talk. So timing is everything.

All the young ones that have never been before take the invite too literally, rocking up at 5.30pm for the 6pm start. Don’t do that. You’ll sit there for two hours like a scared egg.

Arrive fashionably late at around 7.45pm and just roll in.

This is all, of course, unless your girl wants lots of photos to promote her designer dress, which is fine because it is their night. But if they’re happy to forgo the bulls**t, rock up late, be there for the count, sit there for three hours and you’re out by 11pm.

Then it’s off to Club 23 for the afterparty then your favourite King St establishment and back to your Crown suite. Magic.

2. Let your partner answer all the questions on the red carpet

If you do grace the red carpet, take a back seat. Remember, Brownlow night is not about the players.

And besides, partners cover the players easily. They say ‘hopefully he gets a couple of votes because he played amazing this season’, when really that’s false for 95 per cent of the guys invited.

The partners have been supportive all year and they’ll be at their supportive best on the red carpet, because, let’s face it, the guys in the bottom four teams and all of the defenders invited aren’t polling.

3. Sneak in booze

A must. And here’s why.

Alcohol doesn’t flow freely at all during the night. It only comes out during the ad breaks, so you’ve only got eight or 10 chances to top up.

Me and my Mrs used to take hipflasks full of vodka into Crown. It meant we at least had that to add to lemonade or water or whatever when we needed to re-top.

Which brings me to …

4. Plan your drinking games

This, ultimately, makes the night. Here are a few you can partake in:

— On each table is a formguide with the top favourites for the medal. Assign two or three players to each person on the table and every time that player gets a vote, drink.

— Every time you vote, drink.

— Every time you don’t vote, skol.

It’s no wonder you can get pretty cooked by the time the count’s finished.

TIPS FOR ‘DUZ’

One man who won’t be cooked is the ‘Duz’, Dustin Martin. He’s now got bigger and better things to worry about.

I’m so glad the Tigers won on Saturday, because if they’d lost to the Giants, no one would’ve been able to find Duz on Brownlow night. He would’ve slipped past the eight security guards organised for him by the AFL, Richmond and Ralph Carr and torn Crown to shreds.

On that, has the Brownlow winner — besides guys who’ve been suspended — ever not been at the event to collect their medal? If the Tigers had lost, Duz would’ve been the first.

Dustin Martin, Dane Swan and friends enjoy a post-season trip to the US. Source: Instagram

But he’ll be there, nice and sober, to collect the award. And it’ll be the start of the greatest week of his life: Brownlow Monday, flag and Norm Smith medal Saturday.

It’ll be a big night for Duz, so here are a few wise tips to get through the night.

1. Delegate the celebrating

It’s going to suck for Dusty on Monday night, as he won’t be able to fully enjoy the victory. I know how he feels, because when I won the Brownlow the Pies were in the Grand Final five days later.

So I’ll celebrate for him. I’ll bring my mates and my Brownlow — if I can find it, it’s somewhere in the house — along to Crown and we’ll celebrate on his behalf.

We’ll do our best and pretend like I won it. Could get hectic.

2. Hire a funny speechwriter

Dusty’s speech might be a struggle, because he’s not a great public speaker. It might be the shortest and sharpest speech in Brownlow history.

Enter me. I’ll write his speech.

I’ll add a couple of gags in there. I’m not sure what they’ll be, but they’ll be damn side-tearers.

3. Purchase the perfect suit jacket accessory

Duz doesn’t wear suits too often, but he scrubs up really well in one.

This time, though, he’s the Brownlow favourite, so he needs something to help him stand out a little more than all the other blokes in the room.

I’ve got the perfect solution: Instead of a handkerchief, put chopsticks in the top pocket of the suit.

Dustin Martin and Dane Swan enjoy the Las Vegas lifestyle. Source: Instagram

It’ll be a hit, obviously. Yes it’s not ideal for the Richmond media and marketing teams, but you can be sure he’ll stand out on the night.

I hope he wins it. If he doesn’t, he’d be the stiffest non-medallist of all time.

Duz is clearly the best player in the comp at the moment. He tore Geelong to shreds in the first week of the finals and stood up when it mattered most against GWS.

I was in New York for that first final and watched him play. I can’t remember a lot of it — I had to wake up at 5.50am after getting home at 4ish then watch the game. I woke up again at around 11am and said “I’m pretty sure Richmond won”, but I remember Duz had a blinder.

THE END OF THE BIG TRIP

While I was in New York, I had a run with the local AFL team the Magpies.

The guys were great, but I couldn’t help but feel a little regret as I was sore for four days afterwards.

I stood on the line expecting to start another ball drill and hit it at around 40 per cent intensity. But this was no easy ball drill.

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

“Oh, running,” some bloke replied.

Bugger. They had genuinely f***ed me over.

We ran for 15 minutes. Sprints, suicides, 100 per cent to the line — you name it. For 15 minutes.

“This is f***ing ridiculous,” I said.

Once I got over it, I must admit I did love it. The guys were really welcoming and they were better than what I thought they would be.

One thing I did love about the US was just trawling up and down their supermarkets. They were tremendous. Everything is enormous and the chip varieties and all kinds of tasty s**t were right up my alley.

My favourite was this giant tub of cheese balls that weighed around 736 grams. I hadn’t seen that many cheesy balls since I last showered at Collingwood.

After New York, we flew to Sin City. And boy did I need a confession session after having myself one hell of a weekend.

Vegas was fun. Well, Vegas is always fun, but this fun was amazing.

We arrived on Thursday and left Monday. I had a piece of pineapple at the pool party Saturday night and then I just drank for the rest of it. True story.

I reckon I lost about 5kg. It’s the best weight loss I’ve ever had — even better than the Jungle!

The highlight was going to the GGG v Canelo fight. The fight was brutally entertaining, but the decision was s**t. How that ended in a draw is beyond me — I must have been at a different fight.

But we had a good time. Probably too good a time.

MY EPIC FLIGHT HOME

As you’d expect, the long weekend wasn’t so good on the body, so I wasn’t looking forward to the 15-and-a-half-hour flight home.

But it ended up being the best flight of my life.

I rolled into my seat — in business class, of course — ordered my meal and laid my bed out on a 45-degree angle. Next thing I know, we’re about to touchdown in Melbourne. Fair dinkum’.

I had just slept for 15-and-a-half hours straight on a plane. I never even saw the meal I ordered at the start of the flight.

Three airhostesses came around to me at the end and congratulated me. “That’s the best I’ve ever seen, that’s amazing,” one of them said. She added that she tried to push me to make sure I wasn’t dead — but I was OK.

Home after nearly 3 months away and it's nice to see the fridge still has all the essential ingredients in it. And in the second pic barney is making me work for it after about 5 minutes of carrying on. Now one day of recovery today before it all starts again. It's a vicious cycle my life. #prayfordane A post shared by Dane (@danes84) on Sep 19, 2017 at 7:56pm PDT

As much as I loved being away for three months, it was great to get home on Wednesday. Barney gave me the best homecoming welcome before I headed to the fridge and found all the essentials: Four bottles of wine and nothing else.

But I only had one day to recover, because on Friday night I was back at it and rolled into a buck’s night. Dressed in all black clothing, we started in a bar in St Kilda … and that’s all I remember. Hopefully nothing happened to me, but I’m sure the s**t hit the fan at some stage.

Now Brownlow on Monday night.

It’s a vicious cycle my life.

#PrayForDane.