In response to the firing of ten employees for the grotesque shame the company suffered when rogue baristas recklessly distributed old coffee and stale pastries to the city’s vulnerable homeless population, Caffé Vita announced today that employees could continue giving out free food as long as they’re thrown with the gusto of a young Randy Johnson.

“We’ve decided to enact a bold new initiative to extract the last ounce of dignity from our homeless population in exchange for our stale, trash-borne treats,” said Michael McConnell, founder of Caffé Vita. “Our hapless employees will now be given the opportunity to impart our boundless charity on the needy, provided they whip the pastries at the homeless as hard as possible. Management gets a PR win, the employees are allowed to carelessly fritter away the God-given assets of their benevolent employers, and the riff raff get to pick at the delectable crumbs smeared into their tattered clothing. What’s not to like?”

When asked if management wishes they had handled the situation differently, McConnell expressed remorse for how the employee terminations were handled.

“If we had known that we would be caught acting in a shameful manner, we certainly wouldn’t have distributed it in writing where we could be so easily incriminated,” McConnell continued, wadding a series of chocolate croissants into hard balls. “From now on, all employees fired for socially responsible transactions will be terminated by tasteful, and most importantly disposable, latte art.”

At press time, McConnell was still working out how to spell ‘U R Fired 🙁 ‘ in latte foam.

