Dear Car Owner, You may have noticed the dent on the left side of your car. If not, allow me to draw your attention to it now. As you can see, it is there, and so is this note, and now two and two are getting put together in your head. Allow me to confirm your suspicions: The dent and note are connected. I have dented your car and wish to apologize for it.

Got it pretty good there, didn't I? You get that kind of denting action from your core muscles; that's where the power is.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

One question you're certainly asking by now is, "How can this note be so long?" Or perhaps, "How can this fucking note be so long?" depending on your level of anger. The note's length is due to the fact that this is not just a simple note of apology, nor an offer to pay for the damages, nor an attempt to identify myself, nor really an endeavor to do anything concrete about this situation at all. Those are simple matters, briefly explained. I've got different motives, which I'll get in to in due time, but first and foremost, I guess I just wanted to explain myself so that you don't hate me forever. I have this thing where I can't be hated. Who likes being hated? I bet you don't. You see? We already have something in common. (I also like puppies and chocolate ice cream and vaginal sex. See? More things we have in common. These things forming right now? They're called bonds. They may be awkward, uncomfortable bonds, like an uncle hugging you from behind, but they're real. Don't try to struggle.)