The ghar wapsi brigade’s subtle but glorious plan to rejuvenate and modernise Hinduism by attacking its insularity and reliance upon caste requires the Hindu woman to take converts under her aanchal/ dupatta/ culturally accurate article of clothing.

If there's anyone who appreciates just how painstaking and time-consuming the business of ghar wapsi (“homecoming”) is, it is the commuter in Mumbai and the pracharak in Aligarh. Coming home is never easy, but if it's a challenge for those of us who have to negotiate traffic snarls like Dadar Flyover and Juhu Circle, then it's proving to be a Sisyphean one for the Muslims and Christians in UP who had been convinced by organizations like Dharam Jagran Samiti, Bajrang Dal and Vishwa Hindu Parishad to give Hinduism a shot.

There's been a lot of criticism for 're-conversion', or ghar wapsi as the Hindutva brigade terms the business of inducting non-Hindus into the Hindu fold. And it is a business -- according to news reports, the ghar wapsi project costs an organization like DJS in the range of Rs 10 lakhs per month. The cost of converting a family includes conversion, yagna as well as village feasts that are meant to integrate the newly-converted into the Hindu fold. Just the catering bill for these feasts can add up to as much as Rs 40,000 per month. When the conversion is as elaborate as what was being planned in Aligarh, you have an event that is about as complicated to organise as the glitziest Bollywood award function.

And just like that, the massive ghar wapsi that was scheduled to be held in Aligarh on Christmas, is not happening. That's got to be demoralising for all those involved.

"If there is no ghar wapsi, Hindus will go extinct," said Bajrang Dal leader Abhishek Ranjan Arya to a reporter. "Hamara 'the end' ho jayega, madam."

Considering Hindus make up 80.5% of India's current population, Arya would be an idiot if he meant ‘extinction’ literally. Obviously, he’s using the word metaphorically, which leads me to believe that this whole business of ghar wapsi is actually a nifty conspiracy to modernise and revamp Hinduism from within. VHP, DJS, Bajrang Dal, Hindu Jagran Samaj – these are the Vibhishana who are slyly weakening the Hindu right wing from the inside and introducing flexibility to rigid, religious dogma. On paper, 're-conversion' swells the Hindu ranks. In reality, though, it creates more problems than it solves.

First of all, there's no system of baptism in Hinduism. You can only be born a Hindu. Unlike Islam and Christianity, there are no rites and rituals in Hindu scriptures to bring a newcomer into a religious congregation so the Hindutva brigade can organise yagna till the ghee and firewood run out, but they're meaningless. As far as conservatives are concerned, these rituals have no value. So, when the RSS insists someone can 'turn' Hindu and should be considered one of the tribe if they choose to adopt Hinduism as their faith, the Hindu right wing is, in fact, making a scandalously progressive statement that goes against the Hindu grain.

Imagine: what if Bajrang Dal, DJS and gang are able to convince the head honchos of Hindu pilgrimage sites and temples to consider converts to be bona fide Hindus? It won't be easy. The Jagannath Temple famously prohibited Indira Gandhi from entering, arguing she had lost her Hindu-ness when she married a Parsi man. Two years ago, the Lingaraj Temple bundled Sundar Gopal Das out of its premises because poor man is actually a Russian named Skukhzat who had converted to Hinduism.

Just think. If the many Hindu converts like Sundar are finally able to pay their respects at Hindu temples, ghar wapsi will probably have played a critical role in it. Doesn't that make your heart feel fond and fuzzy? The question of universal access to temples is something VHP and others of its ilk should work towards because while they can argue that they can’t control when a state government will build schools and hospitals, there’s probably a case for breach of contract if converts are promised access to temples and then are barred from entering them.

Also, conversion could prove to be the critical blow against Hinduism’s cruelly oppressive caste system that has had the support of so many over the centuries. Yogi Adityanath can yell and scream that 're-converts' will have the gotra and caste of their Hindu ancestors, but there are obvious holes in this argument. What if one can't trace their family tree back to a Hindu ancestor? In a country as lazy about archiving as India, it would be a miracle if there was actually a reliable means of identifying one's ancestor. If no one in your family is connected to a caste, how do you form a caste identity? Who decides what will be your all-revealing surname? Even if there is a Hindu ancestor to whom one's bloodline can be traced back, can one's present be overshadowed by that distant past? And can you really belong to a caste if that particular community doesn't accept you?

Organisations like the RSS, VHP, DJS and Bajrang Dal may proudly crow they've been 're-converting' Indians for decades, but their track record of integrating the converted into old, caste-shackled societies is anything but successful. Those who convert usually find themselves in an uncomfortable limbo, without any of the benefits that were promised to them for joining the majority’s faith and cast aside by Hindus as well as non-Hindus.

The problem of converts being accepted by the larger Hindu community is one to which the ghar wapsi brigade admits freely. "Ghar wapsi may have happened on a much bigger scale," said Arya. "The problem is that converted people don't get married easily. The Hindus don't give their daughters away to them, and the Muslims and Christians will not accept them. So they are left in the lurch." It turns out that one of the most popular inducements offered by those who gather people for conversions is the promise of marriage. Yogi Adityanath may be ranting about love jihad, but it sounds like his own rank and file are wooing Muslims and Christians over with the promise of a Hindu bride.

For me, this is the final confirmation that the re-conversion gang, while pretending to be brainwashed by right-wing ideology, is actually attacking orthodoxy rather than supporting it. All those who come home to Hinduism -- rejected by the mainstream -- become the carriers of a new Hinduism; one that is made up of outsiders, open to diversity and not stretched upon the rack of caste.

Much like many promises made by conservative men, the brides that organizations like the Bajrang Dal promise converts tend to remain in the realm of the imaginary, which means that ladies, it falls upon us, yet again, to finish what the men started. The saffron brigade is onto something with their subversive conversion plan, but it's going to take Hindu women to tie up the loose ends. The ghar wapsi brigade’s subtle but glorious plan to rejuvenate and modernise Hinduism by attacking its insularity and reliance upon caste requires the Hindu woman to take converts under her aanchal/ dupatta/ culturally accurate article of clothing. So, as if we didn't have enough work to do -- balance work and home, drag out feminist narratives from Hindu mythology, manage household accounts -- now we've got to find Hindu converts to romance and/or marry. Really, a woman's work is never done.