I want to talk a little bit about the phrase,

“Be yourself.”

Though the cause it exists for is a noble one, this curt string of words is waived around so casually, so carelessly, and so often. It’s like our modern-day Golden Rule.

If you have a problem, it can (or rather, it should) be solved by hearing the phrase “be yourself.” Many people look towards this phrase as a means of solving a troubled friend’s problems, and many troubled folk begrudgingly accept it as poor advice from a friend with pure intentions as they pretend to understand fully what it means.

But what is the meaning behind this phrase? Why does it resonate with some and hardly make a sound with others? Why do we use it so much? I have a few thoughts on this, so I thought I’d share…

What is the meaning behind “be yourself?” Many people might say it has everything to do with authenticity. But as a media-driven society, we’ve gotten to know a different kind of authenticity. The vast majority of us revere authenticity as a super power or a win condition for daily life. When an individual can function at his or her highest potential, undeterred by anxiety, depression, clumsiness, anger, or anything else that might lead one to err, he or she is authentic. But when an individual makes a mistake, he or she has to decide whether or not this mistake represents his or her character or identity. For most, our performances—in a social gathering, in a schoolhouse, or in a sheet—is tightly bound to our egos and therefore our identities. So, instead of letting any flubs speak for our characters, we simply say, “Oh, I don’t feel like myself.” On rare occasions, people will use this kind of phrase to preemptively excuse themselves from taking responsibility for any mistakes they might make within the next few hours.

So if we act out, we can feel some minor guilt and remember to be ourselves during our next social endeavor. But sadly, this doesn’t tell us anything, nor does it help us. At the end of the day, you’re always ‘yourself.’ Always. Physically and mentally, you are you, and you’re never not you.

So what does it mean when we say “I’m not feeling like myself?”

This is an issue of familiarity. Comfortability. When you feel like you “aren’t yourself,” it just means that you are behaving in a way that is unfamiliar to you, or out of your comfort zone. In a way that feels contrary to your preferred perception of yourself. This has a lot to do with the ego. Naturally, the average man would rather not see himself as inadequate in the workplace after one or two blunders, especially if he usually performs well and holds himself to that high standard (which is only good if it isn’t extreme). But this harsh self-monitoring quickly turns his workplace into a thin tightrope that he must walk. He, at some point, has to stop making mistakes or he will be, by his definition, incompetent. So no matter how many mistakes he’s destined to make, he—similarly to a lot of us—will excuse his mistakes by saying that he wasn’t himself instead of truly learning from them and growing as a person. Because he identifies to some extent as a competent worker, anything contradictory feels like being lost at sea.

In simpler wording, not being yourself just means that you don’t feel like you would prefer to feel. Maybe that means you would prefer to be known (either by others or by yourself) as charismatic as you were that one time at that one party. Or maybe you would prefer to be known as a little calmer. So when you display behaviors of being socially inept or excessively excitable, you claim to not be yourself in that moment. I think there’s a certain mark of desperation in trying not to admit to one’s more animalistic, primal behaviors. Mistakes are natural, and there exists duality in every human being. Every genius will spend some time on Earth being stupid. Every hero spends some time being a villain. Expecting perfection is an unrealistic expectation. I think it actually births a larger margin of error. We run from that which we fear to become, only to find that fear has only been training us to be failures.

In our desperation to be competent, we manifest incompetence. By not allowing ourselves to simply be, we destroy ourselves. It is through forcefulness that we snap, and it is through flexibility that we bend.

So how do we understand what “being yourself” truly is? I think what the kind, supportive friend often forgets to mention is that “being yourself” means being honest. Honest with yourself, honest to yourself. Honest to others. Honest in our delivery. If someone is telling a boring story and they ask you if you want to know what happens next, so what if you say “no?” “No I don’t really want to listen to the rest of your story” in the politest way possible (unless being polite is preventing you from being honest). Tact is important, but keeping your soul in one piece is more important. I mean, that’s a bad example, but I’m trying to keep it real rather than professional here.

Furthermore, it’s not terrible to say “I’m not myself today” if you know what you really mean when you say that. Having an off-day is natural and routine for us all. A lot of people find difficulty in their personal lives when comparing their off-days to another person’s on-days (and I know this information isn’t anything new, but it’s worth mentioning). A large chunk of the individual life is about accepting the less-beautiful sides of our own existences.

When other humans tell you to “be yourself,” they aren’t going to tell you what they mean by that. Depending on the kind of people you talk with, you’re more or less likely to hear it from someone just reciting it to you nonsensically like any other mantra. It’s up to you, ultimately, to determine what it means to “be yourself.”

My thoughts are a little scattered in this post, so please forgive me if it feels a little disjointed. To be honest, I am having a bit of an off-day. I guess you could say I’m not myself today… : )

Do you have something to add? Am I missing something big or important?

E-mail me at roses4@montclair.edu or leave a comment below. I’d love to discuss this further. I’m no great authority on anything I’ll talk about (probably). There’s always some new perspective to be shared, and I’m only one person. I love feedback.

If you have a topic you’d like me to weigh in on, let me know!