Women. Fucking women. I know what you're like. Lounging around, laughing about men's small salaries and early-onset balding. Well, have you even considered that maybe there's nothing wrong with guys?

Maybe if you opened your eyes, got off your dating apps for one moment and STOPPED MOCKING AND EMASCULATING MEN you could look around and see that the emotional, kind, inherently good men of Britain have just been waiting to scoop you off your feet. Maybe in all this man-hating you've got yourself into an oestrogen-fuelled, post-feminist mess and not been able to see that, actually, the problem with dating is you.

You are the ones who are not worth dating. Let that sink in for a minute. Men are the ones simply craving a life-partner to love and shag and build a life with, but there are so few decent women out there that men are experiencing a true struggle in their search; it's just impossible to find any women "worth dating".

The Daily Mail hears this and has today given these underrepresented voices a platform.

Let us break down the problems with modern women, as per this article, into some digestible chunks:

WOMEN TODAY ARE FULL OF BITTERNESS AND ANGER

Enter Chris, 59.

A man of beige chino, hiked high around the waist. A man in the latter stage of life with a full head of hair. "Very well-off," by his own admission. A property baron (a landlord?). There is nothing more a woman could want. Nothing. But hold on – there is more!

"He is what you might call, with some understatement, a catch," opens Rebecca Evans for The Daily Mail.

Show me this catch.

The problem, says Chris, is that he "can't be bothered to deal with all the hang-ups and complications other women have [...] Often, at my stage in life, many of them are divorced and seem full of bitterness and anger."

Yeah, nothing worse than hang-ups, like – idk – the kind that cause you to make sweeping generalisations about an entire section of society.

WOMEN TODAY ARE TOP SHAGGERS

It's hard for blokes. Because – stick with this – women expect them to be 24/7 penetrative machines, performing missionary at any given time, and, like, sometimes they need a rest? Sometimes they just don't want to fuck? Sometimes they want to watch The Crown on catch-up with you and eat a nice bowl of spag-bol. And actually, maybe it's women with the over-eager sex drive and everyone's had men wrong this entire time?

Enter Jamie. He may only be 27, but he's already sick of these sex-crazed women treating him like a shag machine:

I do wonder: has Jamie found himself on Tinder? Is he literally on Tinder – an app created for shagging – and doesn't like it when he goes to the pub for a date, and then the woman from the shagging app wants to shag?

Either way, ladies, while we're out here talking about your behaviour:

WOMEN TODAY ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH AND DRESSING INAPPROPRIATELY

Since about the mid-1980s, women have been allowed to drink, but not everyone's happy about it. Take, for example, Jamie, who's not at all interested in pints and pork scratchings:

I sympathise: it's unlikely weekend rambling clubs are the best place for a man in his twenties to find a soulmate. But also: come on, mate – there are other places to meet women than the pub. I'm a woman; I fairly regularly spend time in places that don't serve alcohol; I, like many others, am a member of a dating app. Try one of those? There are literally thousands of them.

As for the women who do decide to have a couple of drinks of an evening, as is their legal and human right?

If you can't love yourself, women, don't expect men to love you back. Acceptance comes from within.

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST

We heard it first in a Green Day song, and we've read about it on EliteDaily. The reason women are at their very centre Bad is because they have tricked men into thinking they want a good guy, but really they want a wanker. A mean, nasty, bad boy who will neg and ignore and spit and shag and shag and shag and shag, and go to the pub and hate them for their bitterness and anger.

Enter Danny, a 33-year-old radio presenter. Self professed Nice Guy TM.

Good news, Danny! Some women do like nice guys! Some bad news too, though! They tend to not like men who swear off women because the women they've been into haven't liked them back!

THROUGH ALL THIS STRUGGLE, AT LEAST MEN ARE LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

Look, the Mail found a psychotherapist to explain why it is that men need to be waited on:

And now, thanks to all your aforementioned bullshit, women, they've had enough. One by one, these Good Men of Britain have fallen out of the dating game for good. They're taking collective action, unionising, strength in numbers:

The philosophy behind Men Going Their Own Way is "a statement of self-ownership, where the modern man preserves and protects his own sovereignty above all else". But wait – this club sounds familiar… a bit like… the patriarchy? A bit like… the club men already have?

I don't know. It's not my place to say. I am a woman, a woman who has SLAMMED chaps as boring, grumpy slobs who cannot cook for themselves; a woman who has turned down self-identifying nice guys in favour of men who are horrible to me just for the thrill; a woman who propositions shy, retiring men who just want to go for walks. Well, consider my privilege well and truly checked. I, for one, am glad we're FINALLY giving more of a platform to the Good Straight Men of Britain.