Over the course of the last week, we have heard no end to the “need” for more civility. Of course, it only comes when the Democrats do something “uncivil.”

Photo Credits: Ken Whytock

I was always stunned as a young child at how the year reflected what grade I was in; i.e. I finished 4th grade in 2004, I graduated high school (12th grade) in 2012 etc. etc. It was a random feature, completely unique to my age and year in school and really didn’t mean anything. But it makes it fairly easy to lay out major events and trends and overlay them with what I was doing at the time. I’ll never forget that I was in 2nd grade during 9/11 or the inauguration of Barack Obama in 9th grade. So, if you’re paying attention that would put my formative years really between 2001–2009, those long elementary and middle school years. If you’ll also recall, this was the age of the “cyberbully” and the all-around bullying crises that existed in our schools. I remember the PSAs we had to watch and the newscasts on the 6pm news in the splintery hardwood kitchen of my parents’ house.

Well, they didn’t do much for me. I was already living the complete bullying experience, one may say. And I didn’t live it well. You see, there’s usually two remedies commonly prescribed to the condition of bullying. The first, the one opted for by clueless administrators and parents, is ignoring the situation. The thought goes as such: “if you behave and ignore them, they will eventually go away.” The second is the more romanticized if not more violent: “punch them right in the mouth and they’ll respect your strength.”

That’s the one I usually opted for.

The problem is, neither one of these solutions, is well…actually a solution. The first is invalidated by the fact that bullies are relentless. They do not cease nor get bored when their antics are ignored. In fact, it empowers them. Because contrary to the beliefs of the powers that be, bullies are not interested in getting a reaction, bullies are interested in lauding their power over other individuals. They love defenseless kids because they can easily wield terror as a weapon and delight in it. Ignoring them makes it easier for them to do that.

But as I found out, fighting back doesn’t usually work either. Because at their very heart, bullies are cowards who do not recognize the strength of their prey. In fact, they internalize a sense of indignation that someone would have the gall to fight back. They use this indignation in incredibly sadistic ways, to justify their behavior and blame their abuses on the bullied. And administrators provide atonal feedback by advocating the aforementioned solution, or in other words, “lay down and take it,” which rationalizes the behavior of the bully.

The games they play are amazing. They’ll express shock that you would punch back. They’ll sit in the principal’s office with you and claim that deep down they really want to be your friend and they don’t know why you are always fighting. They’ll claim they made a one-time mistake and it will never happen again. The discourse will be twisted in any way that puts the onus on the bullied enough to convince the principal that all will be resolved and both parties are at fault. All the while signaling to the bullied that it is not over. There’s often nobody more dangerous in the playground than a bully who’s been punched once and feels the need for retribution.

And that’s where we are today with the Republican Party.

Has there been any one more caustic to the discourse of American politics than Newt Gingrich? The man who basically created the modern image of the Republican party, full-on with attacks to all of his opponents. The man who convinced an entire party that the media outside of FoxNews was not to be trusted. And yet, here he is claiming that Rep. Maxine Waters, in her support for the Red Hen Restaurant, is equivalent to a totalitarian thug:

Here is the President of the United States slandering a private enterprise because they asked an enabler to leave their restaurant because it made their waitstaff uncomfortable:

And here he is also attacking Rep. Waters because she showed the Red Hen support:

Over the last week, two high level Trump advisors have been run out of restaurants, and one asked to leave for their participation in the heartless policy of separating children from their parents and throwing them into concentration camps-in-everything-but-name. This has been equivalent to the bullied punching back and pushing against bigoted policies. And the GOP is in shock. In shock! How many times this week have you heard a similar quote to any of the following uttered?

“How dare the left participate in something like this?”

“I thought they stood for tolerance.”

“I thought it wasn’t okay for a baker to kick gay people out.”

“I thought they stood against segregation.”

It’s uncountable.

But it’s expected. Bullies will always seek to rationalize their behavior and feel the moral indignation that comes when the bullied fights back. That’s why I’m not writing this as a rebuke of the Trump Administration and the GOP. That’s inherent. Their behavior continues to elevate disgusting policies and rhetoric that damages the lives of countless citizens and non-citizens alike. I write this as a critique of the people who enable their behavior by standing up and fighting for “civility” over protecting the bullied.

If your first action was to write some generic “we need to stop the division” response, congrats! You’ve played directly into the bully’s hand. You’re the feckless administrators at schools around the country who were unable to make a dent in the bullying crises because you misunderstood the whole situation.

Let’s actually return to the problem of bullying at school. What ended up happening was advent of Zero-Tolerance Policies. These made it against school rules to engage in violence of any kind. That means any response to physical bullying was punished as harshly, if not harsher, than the initial bullying itself. If that doesn’t seem like a good policy to you, we are in agreement. I don’t think it’s had a solid effect on bullying and instead lays the groundwork for continued abuse. What it does do is make an administrator’s job a lot easier. The administrator’s hands are tied. Don’t even have to look at the situation. Don’t have to confront the issue of bullying. Just hand out suspensions and wipe your hands.

In a similar fashion, these takes do the exact same thing. It requires no critical thought to claim that both sides are bad and equally guilty. It has allowed for the GOP to completely reframe what has happened over the last week and control the narrative. It’s no longer about pushback to bad policy, it’s about “incivility” for which they are the guiltiest of. You’re the people letting them off the hook. Greg Gianforte, a Republican Congressman, assaulted a reporter, still got endorsed by Trump, got elected, and the GOP has the gall to tell Democrats to be civil? Pure mind games at every step.

Simple solution: stop playing their game. Stop looking for validation from an administration that abuses its power and bullies the defenseless. Stop trying to appeal to people who support an administration like that. Far from increasing “civility,” you only signal that the bullied will be held to a much higher standard than the bullies. That the GOP is allowed to be uncivil as they want, but god forbid the populace pushes back.

Fighting back was never a long-term solution for the bullying but it protected some level of my dignity. I needed people in authority to back me up and stop the abuse and it never happened. You have a chance to support the bullied, to help protect them from their abusers. Don’t use your voice to protect the bullies in this administration. This pushback is happening because people are tired of their dignity being trampled on. Help them stop that.