Our beauty routine is simple here at The Dose of Reality: Brush teeth, shower, blow-dry hair (if time permits/baseball cap if it does not), deodorant, sunscreen, and a finishing off with a puff of face powder and a wand of volumizing mascara (if time permits/giant, face obscuring sun glasses if it does not).

But we are no longer dewy 25 year olds. Our facial skin has survived decades of use under the harsh conditions of the carpool line. A gal has to be open to adding a few beauty practices to her regimen if she ever expects to get carded buying Zima again.

We were so excited when the hottest new trend in beauty treatments came across our Pinterest feed yesterday.

Pinterest Nightmare #281: The Therapeutic Fire Facial

Nothing says “I am young” better than stimulating collagen via warmth and the occasional 3rd degree burn.

Here’s how it works. First your face is washed, exfoliated, and moisturized with a petroleum based ointment. Next, a cloth doused in “secret elixir” is placed over the client’s wrinkled and saggy trouble spots. The cloth is then set aflame for 30-60 seconds and the beautifying begins!! [DISCLAIMER: The Therapeutic Fire Facial is not for amateurs. Do not attempt unless under the supervision of a licensed cosmetologist (or her assistant).]

We Dose Girls haven’t tried this facial flambé yet. Heck, the closest we’ve gotten to a facial in years is opening the dishwasher mid-cycle to add in another dirty cup. But we are nothing if not game!

Sure, it might be a little intimidating to have your face set aflame in the back of a salon while listening to The Best of Yanni, but attaining a forehead tighter than the top of a snare drum is not for sissies. And really, when you consider the Therapeutic Fire Facial next to its rival beauty procedures, there is no contest:

Botox—Yes, Botox is effective, but you have to schlep all the way to a doctor’s office to be repeatedly jabbed by needles in your delicate facial area. Um…hello…Botox is poison! Who would want to expose themselves to a toxic substance when this much safer (and convenient) alternative is available.

Chemical peel—A chemical peel has it’s merits, but honestly, aren’t we exposed to enough chemicals in the 21st century? Fire is much more natural and organic.

Microdermabraision—Sandblasting your face with tiny crystals doesn’t sound very relaxing, does it?

Laser Skin Resurfacing—You do know that L.A.S.E.R. stands for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, don’t you. RADIATION? No thanks! I don’t need the hassle of having a third nipple growing in place of my crow’s feet, thankyouverymuch.

But don’t take our word for it! The Therapeutic Fire Facial is all the rage in Hollywood! Just ask fifteen-time Grammy Award winner Alicia Keys…

What do you think, Alicia?

That’s just what we thought.

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.