To win over public opinion, Labour must reflect it. Is that right? I think that’s right. I think that’s why they’re all doing this synchronised frowning at poor repellent-ebullient Jeremy Corbyn and pretending he’s a weirdo. Look, Jeremy the zealous folk singer. Jeremy the exasperated bishop. Jeremy the furious first-aider.

Public opinion is a dim bully, and moderate Labour needs to be its mate so it beats someone else up instead. Is that right? I think that’s right. I think that’s why everyone now talks condescendingly about “lefties” and expresses contempt for the airy-fairy donkey-jackety nonsense lefties burble between bong tokes. Yeah, public opinion hates lefties.

Apart from the public opinion that doesn’t, but that’s wrong and needs to have a long hard-left look at itself.

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Apologies to all those commentators who have to wearily explain, again, why I’m wrong to value my conscience over public opinion. You must be right: at a subatomic level I obviously want the Tories to rule for ever. I obviously want Labour in permanent, impotent opposition. I should do whatever you think is best, based on your opinion poll data. Which for now appears to be: keep quiet, make friends with influential Tories, remember 1983, grow up and accept that we can never return to 1983, oh wait, unless Corbyn takes us back there, remember 1997, grow up, realise we can’t go back to 1997 either, furthermore accept that there is a new reality, ignore the man behind the curtain, it’s only Peter Mandelson. Everything has descended into a farcical history race now. Yvette Cooper is currently in the lead with: “We can’t go back to the 1950s.” At this rate, the first one not to go back to the Attlee government ought to win.

Public opinion-seeking Labour. What do these relentless Labour emails piling up in my junk mailbox like zombies at the walls of Jerusalem even mean any more? Their tone, shrill and insistent, feels creepily similar to the emails sent out by those social outrage aggregators. I signed up a while back to some petition to make Iain Duncan Smith wear a nappy for a week or whatever, and now the algorithms have taken over, I can’t unsubscribe, the drivel won’t stop and you forget who it’s from. “Ian, the Tories want to take our breakfasts!” “Ian, do you want the British people turned into millions of charred skeletons?” “Ian, just five days to save the bees!” Not one email, by the way, explained in advance why Labour was abstaining on the welfare reform bill.

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I’m not saying the Corbyn-intolerant wing of Labour are craven neurotics, encouraging public opinion-holders to become registered supporters for the price of a posh pot noodle, then panicking because the wrong kind of public wants a vote. Then trying to pretend that Corbyn is a comedy warmup for the Normal Candidates. Perception is everything, they keep muttering. The public want someone ordinary, centre-groundish like them, to lead the party. In which case, I suggest hiring from outside the world of politics. Because if you look at any politician hard enough, they’re weird. They’re all weird. And they’re weirdest when they’re courting public opinion. Andy “Scorchmark” Burnham, the Gerry Anderson puppet. Captain Scarlet with a calibrated Scouse accent. When you see him on the TV being “dead passionate about me footy”, imagine the word “Supermarionation” across the screen. Yvette “Yvita” Cooper might be a credible Spiritual Leader of the Nation, if only she didn’t appear to be a human parable drawn by Dr Seuss. And I know it’s crazy, but I can’t bear to watch the sinister Liz Kendall in case I accidentally make eye contact. I’m convinced she’s “it” in a secret, never-ending game of Wink Murder.

If public opinion is out of line with what you believe, change what you believe. Is that right? I think that’s right. Or maybe you needn’t change what you believe, just shut up. Because public opinion is the trump card. It’s not as if public opinion is ever wrong. Public opinion is definitely what we want steering national policy on refugees, say. The last cab driver I had, the Daily Mail and that opinion poll all seem to be in accord. Perhaps the human heart is hardening, you say. This is now the world we must inhabit, you sigh. Go with the flow. Sure, let’s hold a referendum on capital punishment, and workhouses for the undeserving poor.

It’s not as if public opinion ever changes. It’s not as if over the next five years, anyone might be persuaded to change their mind about anything. It’s not as if public opinion has dramatically altered since the millennium on issues as diverse as homosexuality or smoking indoors. Yeah, let’s settle for Public Opinion 2015 to win a general election in 2020. Because there is literally nothing Labour can do until it is in government. Don’t bother being noisy advocates at constituency level for the poor and vulnerable. Don’t bother mobilising political opposition to a government with a majority of bloody 12. Don’t bother exploring this “new reality” of yours to find ways of engaging people beyond the ancient binary system of Westminster.

Let’s all just climb into a lifeboat and get public opinion to tug us along on its capricious course for the next few years. Is that right? Yeah, hard-a-starboard and mind the icebergs.