About 15 minutes into 'The Roller Blade Seven' I nearly gave up, but decided (masochist that I am!) to go all the way, baby! Because this is one movie you just gotta see ONCE, if only as a yardstick of sheer crapness.



This is without doubt one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. Now maybe you're thinking "goodie! I'm in for some 1990s version of 'Plan Nine From Outer Space', or 'The Incredibly Strange Creatures...' hilarious laugh-a-minute good times". NO!! When I say BAD I mean beyond entertainment. This movie is so awful in every way imaginable, and absolutely torturous to sit through, that you won't be able to think of ANY reason to continue watching it until the end.



The only movies off the top of my head that even come close to it are the unspeakably bad British vampire movie 'Razor Blade Smile', and the Godawful noir parody(??) 'Art Deco Detective'. At least the former had some unintentional laughs, and the latter featured a handful of funny lines from b-grade legend Brion James. 'The Roller Blade Seven' has no redeeming features whatsoever. What all three movies also share is that they were shot straight on video, making them all aesthetically unpleasant experiences. As well as cheaper than a pub crawl.



The guy responsible for this gem is Donald G. Jackson who is also the brains behind the moderately amusing 'Frogtown' movies, which I have seen, and works such as 'Mimes: Silent But Deadly' and 'Lingerie Kickboxer', which I haven't. He produces/directs and also co-writes with the movie's star Scott Shaw. Yeah I don't know him either but apparently he's some kinda martial arts expert and has appeared in movies with titles like 'Samurai Vampire Bikers From Hell' and 'Samurai Johnny Frankenstein', so you know he's class all the way. The Supporting cast includes Frank Stallone (Sly's brother) and Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother and star of 'Motorcycle Cheerleading Mommas') (read that title again!!) , and somehow, cos I can't believe it myself, bona fide cult legends William Smith, Don Stroud and Karen Black. If you are a fan of any of those three all I can say is best stay away...



The "plot" concerns a Hawk (Shaw), a futuristic Ninja dude, who has to rescue his sister from evil baddies led by the crippled Pharoah (Smith), who is some kinda cult leader who invented a popular skateboard or something. Hawk meets up with all kinda weirdos, both good and bad, most of whom dress funny and use roller blades, and one of which continually plays the banjo. I say good and bad, because I honestly couldn't tell most of the time who was who, or what side they were on. Especially that banjo fella. And I suppose there was seven of them, but I wasn't counting, and who really cares? One of the roller bladers was Don Stroud but I never worked out which one, and eventually forgot he was even supposed to be in it. By the credits I didn't even care any more, and that says a lot because I LOVE Don Stroud and he was the main reason I watched this crap in the first place!



The plot, or lack of it, is only the half of it. Jackson directs like he has both eyes shut, and the editing was done (I believe) by someone with one hand tied behind their back, who insists on showing us every "action" sequence three or four times consecutively, for no apparent reason. There's about twenty minutes of (bad) dialogue spread throughout the ninety minutes of the movie, and the soundtrack, which includes everything from "moody" electronics to "smokin'" rawk to the banjo fellas limited repertoire of licks, is probably even worse.



The only thing that will amaze you after sitting through this offal is the fact that there was not only a sequel, but TWO!! Whether they are better than this or could even conceivably be WORSE I'll leave up to you because frankly, I value my sanity, and one 'Roller Blade Seven' flick is my absolute limit!

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