I’m working over Xmas at the emergency department. Therefore please observe the following warnings (Some of the rules are similar to those I posted with re: to the races but there are some additional Xmas specific warnings):

[1] Xmas decorations like baubles are quite fragile and can shatter. Please do not insert them into any human orifice as if it shatters while up there your night will not be silent - you will be in a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[2] A “Merry” Xmas involving more than two gentlemen attempting to enter the same human orifice simultaneously will not end up Merry. You will be in a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[3] Kids, be aware that when you try your new trampoline, skateboard, bicycle there is a thing called physics. When things like “Momentum” and “Velocity” combine with a thing called “Gravity” - you may well end up in a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[4] Adults, when you combine the abovesaid trampoline, skateboard, bicycle with “Momentum”, “Velocity”, “Gravity”; and the additional element of “Alcohol”, any previous “skill” in aforementioned activities is negated and you may end up in a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[5] If you drink more than 3 glasses of champagne or any other alcoholic beverage and you start vomiting, your drink hasn’t been spiked with anything apart from alcohol so do not bother coming to the emergency department - spew quietly at home like everyone else and keep your WORLD-OF-PAIN to yourself.

[6] Egg Nog. No. Just….. No. It looks the same before you drink it and after it comes back up again except it will now have carrot.

[7] Ladies, ripped stockings, running mascara, boobs half falling out with vomit on your bra is not sexy. Even if you wear a Santa hat. The correct term is “skanky” So you can bat your eyelids all you want but its not going to make you more attractive.

[8] Men. If you are going to get in a fight, when you throw a hook, can you please make sure the impact is primarily on the index and middle fingers of your fist. If you throw a shithouse punch that impacts primarily on your ring and little fingers you will break your 4th/5th metacarpals and score yourself a gutterslab and your hand will be in a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[9] Santa is a magical being. That is why even though his Body Mass Index (BMI) is greater than 30 he can still fit down a chimney. Men if your BMI is greater than 30 you’re not magical and you will not fit down a chimney. Instead you will get stuck and end up in a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[10] Men with BMI > 30; Egg nog will not make you magical.

[11] Kids, Santa is actually not real so if you have a dad with a BMI >30 Just tell him “No. Just….No”

[12] Alcohol + Xmas decorations + Genital Piercings = WORLD-OF-PAIN. No. Just…..No.

[13] That being said I will consider giving a prize to the most interesting injury incurred involving Xmas decorations. Your very own You Tube video called WORLD-OF-PAIN.

[14] If you have epigastric pain following ingestion of a Xmas ham, a turkey, Xmas pudding, and a pie, it is not a heart attack. You’re a f*cking greedy c*nt and it serves you right.

[15] That star on top of the Xmas tree will not fit up your bum. Don’t even think about it. Consider it a Portkey to a WORLD-OF-PAIN.

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE! BE SAFE, HAPPY AND STAY THE F*CK OUT OF MY ER! :)