Trump is America’s Perfect Christian: Do as I Say, Not as I Do

May 03, 2019

God's chosen leader, and America’s most humble president, the reverend Donald Judas Trump, lead the National Day of Prayer on Thursday.

To the surprise of many, it was his wife, Melania, who opened his speech—not Trump’s harem of porn star prostitutes, nor the orgy of Russian women he pays to privately humiliate him by peeing on him.

Melania said it was an occasion to "cherish the freedom of religion.” And the president, a man who perfectly embodies the 7 deadly sins, preached of how “words speak louder than actions, and my tweets speak the loudest of all.”

Trump asked others to kneel before him as he began the official state prayer. He commanded the Virgin Mary to help him “beat the witch hunts by grabbing the witches by their pu**ises.”

And suddenly he had a vision of Jesus! Jesus arrived on the White House lawn and asked Trump to name his Mexican Wall the “Good Samaritan Wall” because “‘thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I really love expensive walls around myself.”

Trump concluded his prayer with the divine by announcing he was commissioning a new version of the King Jame Bible called the King Trump Bible, embossed in gold.

Trump finished by shaking the hands of many Evangelical pastors, all of whom paid top dollar along with their gay stock broker lovers to pose for a photo op before the press, a photo they would frame at their churches to inspire their parish to donate more money to their “anti-gay-pro-family crusade.” Trump was then caught on tape advising the leaders that “spirituality begins with the tongue and ends with a blow job.”

“After all, aren't I America’s perfect Christian?” boasted the Holy Roman Emperor. “Are you really so confused how the Christian flock can follow me? I speak of the truth, the way, the light... without any actions to back it up. Just sprinkle hatred toward Hollywood and you get what you deserve, America. Now go and find God through my shadow. I will flood you with a plague of locusts on reality TV.”