lemme tell you a story real quick…

warning: i am not a new york times writer. These words were haphazardly self revised. please bear with me

prologue

new years day, 2017

I began 2017 chilling in the hot tub with one of my close friends; otherwise known as Bryce Hedman. Pretty sure we were faded off something. We both come from humble beginnings and live a rather modest lifestyle. Anyways we were scheming for what the year had to offer. “2017 is the year to be a fucking savage” was the quote to live by. We made a deal that we would meet someone famous. (please do keep in mind that we live in Ledyard, Connecticut with a population of 15,000 & it’s greatest achievement is that it is close to the casinos foxwoods and mohegan sun). my choice was my all time favorite artist: Lorde. Bryce’s choice has, to this day, been unnamed. He ended up laughing at me when I confidently said I’d meet Lorde by the end of 2017. I’ve been trying to talk with her for years now, and 2017 would be the year (I hoped).

january, 2017

It’s mid-January now and I randomly got a call from the UK. It was an artist that was associated with Skepta and the new age grime movement of the UK. he was inquiring about the purchase of some of the sweaters i designed (most notably seen on rejjie snow and ratking). this seemed like some sort of degree of separation to my goal. How though, I wasn’t sure. At this point another close friend, Joaquin Lopez-Watson, was informed on my 2017 aspirations (and was doubtful). Around this time, the governors ball list was released. I saw Lorde and Skepta were performing governors ball… interesting coincidence. However, i got too confident with myself. The Skepta plan fell through the cracks when i fell out of contact with the guy who called me because my cellular plan does not send or receive anything international. Looking back, I don’t even see how this plan would have been successful. I was just wilding out in my fantasies. Anyways, January progressed. i was watching a lot of twin peaks and painting in my room. Eventually, me and my long-time girlfriend, Carly, began to realize that our lives were growing apart and decided to go on a break. That led to a series of personal changes and a throbbing depression. I was in a slump. This led to long drives playing pure heroine (especially buzzcut season) as a meditative tactic. I ended up visiting Bryce at school with Joaquin for a night of debauchery. Keep in mind, Bryce is on the track team and they had practice the next morning. So, Joaquin and i ended up getting belligerently wasted to the point where we demanded to play twin peaks despite the fact that Bryce’s team was studying a marathon. There are two New Zealanders on Bryce’s team: Cam and Holly. I pressed them for information regarding if they know Lorde or anyone who has contact to Lorde. Cam took a pic with Eliza McCartney once and got rejected after giving her his number. Holly’s family owns an ice cream shop called “Lick This” in Napier. To all the New Zealander’s reading this… i recommend it solely off of fact that i find the name funny (I’ve never had the ice cream, I’m sure it’s good). Then I went home, and then went back to my university in Bristol, Rhode Island a few days later.

february, 2017

The break with Carly ended; however, there was still some disconnection. We were approaching a difficult time with the long distance relationship lifestyle. We both got accepted to study abroad at different times and Carly is working at Yellowstone National Park for the Summer. Most of our days are spent apart considering the fact that we were hundreds of miles apart. We spent our last valentine’s day together and then called it quits in the car outside of my dorm. That coined the first time we didn’t talk for nearly 4 years (we started dating when royals blew up for all the Lorde fans reading this). Carly was the one who actually showed me Royals when it first became popular. It was rough for a few weeks; however, it was definitely the right thing to do. I had a hard time through balancing mental health coupled with the overload of school work. I began to have mild mental breakdowns from here to there which was fueled by depression and anxiety. Lorde was ghost for quite sometime in between. Coincidentally, about two weeks after we broke up, she stealthily teased towards a new song. The hype was real. At this time, I kept my Lorde fandom limited to a few tweets here and there as well as a poster on my dorm room wall from the Pure Heroine vinyl insert. I found out that a fellow colleague, Mike Jarmon, was a fan of her. My roommate, Mackenzie, was also quite the fan of her. We would randomly comment on Lorde photos saying “ELLA I’M IN NYC LET’S CHILL” in reference to one time we saw rejjie snow comment that on a picture. Anyways, back to the release of the new single. We were all intrigued. I even got back into contact with Carly for strictly discussing the new song. At the time, the website was titled M********. Late nights in the design studio at school were greeted with incessant lorde reddit perusal for the sake of further deciphering the messages. There was a lot of speculation (such as the name of Frida Kahlo’s birth name: Magdalena) as to what the cryptic messages meant, but no definite answers.

march, 2017

It rolled around to Friday and I was in class with Mike and Mackenzie when the song was released. We played it mid class and danced; the professor wasn’t pleased. We still ended up playing it for the whole class which was followed by going back to the dorm for the mid afternoon nap, and falling asleep to it. Green light was that song to listen to; a story of heartbreak and waiting for things to be okay: quite relevant to my situation. The release of Green Light eventually led to the announcement of the album title, then another single, then an album drop date (I think I have that order correct). I went on spring break in mid-march. I went on a short vacation with Bryce and his track team down to Delaware where we chilled for a week. The two New Zealanders mentioned before were there. We all ended up acoustically singing Lorde songs after dinner once (after consuming a few drinks as well).

two month hiatus of stagnancy, depression, and loneliness

mid april, 2017

Kendrick’s album dropped and it was nearing the time of coachella where Kendrick and Lorde, my two favorite artists, will be headlining. Due to living all the way across the nation, I had to live stream it from my computer in my dorm room. The stream was incredible, Lorde was a superstar. She performed a few new songs which were riveting and detailed and powerful. She was doing her thing in front of over a hundred thousand people. I remember discussing with my friends that it must be an unreal feeling to be in the crowd when an artist brings out a new song. Being the first to hear something in the world, that’s uncanny to think about. There’s around 7 billion people in the world, and you are ahead of everyone else; you’re at the forefront; the highest percentile. Insane. No one can take that away from you… you’re the first. That night, I had a vivid dream that I was invited to hear some exclusive content from Lorde. It was one of those dreams that you wake up pissed off because it’s just a dream. Anyways, May came around and more buzz around the album was beginning to arise. But this was a different kind of buzz. I had to throw that pun in real quick before the transition.

real shit unfolds

june 13, 2017; 8:45 pm

I unexpectedly woke up at 8:45 am. I say unexpectedly because in summer break, there isn’t a day that I wake up before noon (unless I had work). A few minutes after waking up, I get a tweet notification from Lorde. The tweet read,

“NYC… 9pm tonight i wanna do something with u. super intimate capacity — 18+ — first 45 to email melodramalistening@gmail.com” - @lorde



I IMMEDIATELY emailed. This was the chance. This was it. The day progressed and I drove around Watch Hill, Rhode Island to catch up on some music while gazing at all the mansions the peninsula has to offer. I was driving, listening to music, looking at mansions, and avidly checking my email for a response.

june 13, 2017; 4:00 pm

4:00 pm rolled around and I had to go to work. I work at a local pizza shop in Mystic, Connecticut called ‘184 Pizzeria.’ I was in contact with Mike Jarmon because, he too, entered the melodrama email contest. He checked his mail, and behold, he was within the first 45 people and secured a spot. Unfortunately, he couldn’t make it out to the city that night. So… he sent in my name and information. I FELT LIKE CHARLIE WHEN HE FOUND THE GOLDEN TICKET. I then had to finesse my way out of work. I told my boss that I had a dream to fulfill and ended up just leaving mid shift after completing the final order of the night. I raced home to tell my mom that I was going to New York City. She didn’t believe me when I told her that I was able to go to this event and was averse to allowing me to go. But shit, I’m 20 years old now, I decided to go anyways. It was 6:30 at this point and New York City is roughly 2 hours 30 minutes away. I got there in around 1 hour 45 minutes. I was whipping and weaving and praying I didn’t get pulled over. If you know me, you understand I almost always go the speed limit because once I got a ticket for $200 for going 10 mph over on the highway. But, no paranoia could bring me down. I crossed over the G.W. Bridge and saw the wondrous skyline. I knew I was near. I didn’t even have time to change or shower before I left. I was still smelling like pizza grease and mozzarella cheese. I then ended up having to city drive for the first time. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I ended up parking at a garage that had uncanny prices, but it was well worth it. I got out of the car and ran to the address from the email; a small karaoke bar called Sing Sing Ave. A. There was an eclectic crowd waiting outside. A melting pot of people ranging from various backgrounds and identities. But, we were all there for one common purpose: Lorde. The bouncer popped his head out of the door multiple times. I spoke with a few girls in line who were convinced it was a prank. Eventually the bouncer and a man with the list came out of the door and began to check off people’s names. I was shaking, for real. I didn’t know what to expect. What was this event for? Is she actually here? My heart was racing.

june 13, 2017; 8:30 pm

I approached the man with the list and said my name. He then checked me off the list and the bouncer escorted me inside where he checked my ID to see if I was 18 years old. Sure enough I am, so he further escorted me down a dark staircase where there were I met two guys who were locking up the cell phones. I had to send one last message to my mom before I locked up my phone. The message said, “IN AT THE SHOW THEY DONY LET US USE OUR PHONES I’M SO EXCITED” (8:49 pm) (yes the spelling/grammar errors were in there).

june 13, 2017; 9:00 pm

I then entered the room where there were people scattered on couches and lounge stools while eating pizza and burgers and fries and socializing and anxiously awaiting what was coming. Within a few instances, Lorde walks in and shimmies through us. She is dancing and smiling and greeting people with exuberance. She then grabbed the microphone at the front of the room and spoke to us. This was real. In this very moment, I realized that the superstar that rocks adidas superstars was just a normal person at heart (just with a lot of talent and beauty). This wasn’t Lorde, this was Ella. She spoke with us, not to us. She embraced conversation. She asked the people’s names before talking to them and then used their name in conversation. This was Ella. Ella told us that she has a surprise for us. She claims that we were going to be the first group of people in the world to hear her long awaited album: melodrama. We all began cheering. I remembered back to my dream after watching the Coachella live stream. This was actually unbelievable, but it felt so real. It was some weird twin peaks type shit where it’s hard to tell the difference between dreams and reality. It felt so vivid and clear and wonderful. Everyone was there, completely devoid of cell phones and social media, for a shared human experience. This NEVER happens anymore. I will go out to eat or go to the park and see two people on their individual phones instead of engaging in real human interaction. This was different. This was genuine. She played the album all the way through. From front to back. In between songs she broke down the purpose of each song and told funny or sweet stories about the creative process. She shared personal experiences with Jack Antonoff during the copious amount of time they spent in the creation of the album at his Brooklyn apartment. She told us the feeling of just laying back in the dark and listening to the album from front to back. She shared her affection for the word “juicy.” She told us that she didn’t record melodrama in a record booth; but rather, she did it in the open air to get a more genuine and integrated sound. As a self proclaimed DIY musician (making sub par rap music from my bedroom with my friends), I was relieved when she said she didn’t use a record booth. There were times where the aux cord would begin to shorten out and she’d just laugh it off. Other times she’d try to turn it up when the volume was already maximized. The album was serene, intense, heartfelt, warm, jumpy; everything I could possibly imagine. Due to my recent break up, I took all of the words Ella said to heart. She asked the question, “have you ever broken up in a car before?” and I immediately flashed back to the time that Carly and I decided to call it quits. That moment of stagnancy. The moment where you’re just sitting there, side by side, for what seems to be the last time ever. The final moment doesn’t feel like it will ever end; just permanently stuck in purgatory. She passed around handwritten lyrics and I riffled through them to find one that had personal significance to me. The lyrics read,

“Please could you be tender and I will sit close to you

Let’s give it a minute before we admit that we’re through”

These words perfectly captured the feeling of being in the car during the final moments. The moments of holding on so hard for the words to say or the hand to hold or the love to share. That was the final moment.

Ella progressed through the songs, and told stories about being in the same seat as Pharrell and Jay-Z in Jungle City or how Pharrell randomly said “Saturn” in conversation. She shared that her favorite album is ‘My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’ by Kanye and that her favorite song is Runaway. These were real conversations that she would have with her friends, which all of us were in this moment. She would be dancing along to the songs with us as she seemed to be feeling out all the drums in the air. Although most of us were dancing, she did open up the option to just sit back and embrace the moment. Another standout moment was the song Supercut. Through a definition of what a supercut was (a highlight reel), she then went into a beautiful and heart wrenching anecdote about perusing through the memories of all the good times between you and your partner after a breakup. She said this happened to her as she was laying in bed. I went through the exact same situation after I left the car. I just crawled into bed and laid facing the wall as if it was broadcasting all of the wonderful memories that I never want to forget. I saw the moments where I carved our names into a tree in the woods where we first kissed, or the first time we held hands at the movies, and the times we would be singing every song that came on the playlist during the midsummer days, or the times we would sneak out and sleep in my car to be able to hold each other at night. “In my head, I play a supercut of us” echoed throughout my mind when she first played it. I was taken back to that night. I was in the moment. I closed my eyes and put my head down and just listened and reflected. It was a beautiful moment. Then liability reprise followed and it was hypnotizing. All of the vocal snippets flowing throughout the mix. It perfectly captured not knowing your place in search of somewhere to go. This notion perfectly segued into the final song: Perfect Places. Perfect places is poppy and upbeat and glorious… but then you listen to the lyrics. It tells the story of living a chaotic life that is fueled by spur of the moment actions and searching for “perfect places.” Then the song ends where she claims, “what the fuck are perfect places anyway?” It all connects back to Green Light. Awaiting that green light, waiting for that change, waiting for a new adventure. It all doesn’t just happen in an instant. It takes a long time to rebuild yourself after being in someone else’s arms for so long. Finding your identity is strong theme of the album, and it’s something that I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been searching for too many “perfect places.” I’ve been rushing my life through trying to do everything I can instead of realizing that things take time to create change, much like how melodrama took time to be released. There’s a conglomerate of emotions that are poured throughout the album that I strongly identify with. Actually, I feel like many others, if not everyone, can do the same. Saying Melodrama is a ‘break up album’ would be a strong dis-justice. Melodrama is about change and searching for your place; whether it be changing jobs, finding your friend group, transferring to a new school, experiencing any form of loss. Ultimately, it exposes any void that needs to be filled. These are all very universal occurrences among everyone. I feel like that’s why this intimate evening was so powerful and necessary. It was a moment to show people that Ella was a real person who created an album with real emotions based on real circumstances. She is really staying true to the thesis of Pure Heroine on Melodrama. She isn’t singing about all of the money she acquired or how much fame she has. She is singing about issues that me, some random kid who works at a pizza shop in Connecticut, can identify with. Issues that everyone can identify with.

After we finished the album, she asked if anyone had any questions. A girl asked if she could sing something to hear her voice. Ella asked for any requests and I immediately yelled out “buzzcut season.” She then questioned what key the song was in and then NAILED IT. I began tearing up because I thought I’d never hear buzzcut season live due to the fear that the Melodrama release would lead to exclusively performing those songs. After this, she said that we can all unlock our phones and take pictures. We huddled at the door where the security guard would unlock our phone and escort us 1 by 1 into a room for a personal conversation with Ella / a photo shoot. I would see others smiling from ear to ear as they were taken into the room. Personally, I was trying to remain calm because, after all, she is just a normal person like everyone else. But then when it was my turn, my heart started racing. I went in and introduced myself and we hugged. I then told her a VERY abridged version of the story I just wrote about (btw you’re a real one if you’re reading this far). She then hugged me again and told me everything is going to be alright. We took pictures, and then I was escorted out of the venue to the sidewalk I started at. I just walked and stood by a brick facade for a second and looked at the lyric card she gave me. I then began crying for the first time in months, it was all too real. I just couldn’t believe that happened. I then met up with my friend and we went back to his apartment where I played a quick supercut of the night and drifted asleep.

More detailed information on the night was supplied by The Modern Girls, the writer did an amazing job at capturing the essence of the event. The report can be found here:

https://themoderngirls.co/2017/06/15/this-was-melodrama-an-evening-with-lorde/

fast forward because this story is getting mad long

june 16, 2017 - 12:00 am melodrama release date



It was released in that very instant. It was here. I drove to the convenience store down the street with my friend, Tyler Woods, and we each got red bulls and drove around for hours. This is a back road kind of album. The roads that have potholes and loose rubble and cars to dodge on the side of the road. A kind of album that soundtracks the world as you drive through suburbia during the night time while catching glimpses of lamps illuminating window frames. A kind of album that glistens in the moonlight. The bumps rocks pounded into the asphalt of the street worked in sequence with loveless’ booming 808s and the freshly paved asphalt glided to the buttery synths of homemade dynamite. A tank of gas and three listens later, we decided to go back to his house because we had to wake up early the next day for work. (btw, I listened to the album on a pair of Audio Technica ATH m50x’s and the details are revolutionary).

june 16, 2017 - 2:00 pm

Around time to get ready for work again at 4:00 when I checked twitter and saw a tweet that said,

“got a couple passes to give away to the show i’m putting on at bowery ballroom with @SIRIUSXM tonight– 18+ tell me why u wanna be there” - @lorde



I immediately responded again, requesting to give a pass to Mike Jarmon because he gave me the pass for Tuesday. Sure enough, got the tweet back that confirms we both were on the list. Ecstatically, I called out work again. It’s a miracle that I didn’t lose my job.. I ended up driving down to Mike’s house and then progressing towards the city. At this point, I have been driving around nearly all week which led to a series of dunkin’ donuts cups, jackets, hats, red bull cans, subway sandwich bags, pairs of various colors of cortezs, pillows, drum machines, and skateboards littered throughout my backseat. True vagabond. Anyways, we cross over the G.W. Bridge (again) and then cruise throughout the streets of the Bowery while blasting homemade dynamite with the windows down. Hyped. We parked the car at yet again another insanely expensive garage a few blocks away from the Bowery Ballroom (still worth it). We walked over to outside of the venue and received the guest passes and proceeded inside. The venue was way more intimate than I anticipated (I’ve never been to a concert in the city). We all just waited there looking at the massive mural of the album cover. Eventually, the band walked out and took their place. Then Lorde followed. The crowd roared as she began to sing the beginning bars of homemade dynamite. Then she did buzzcut season, shitttt it was amazing. Eventually, she progressed throughout the playlist. She playing hits after hits after hits. She was feeling all the beats during the drum breaks and hitting every single note with such precision that it led me to questioning whether or not she was actually singing. It was divine. The unique flairs that she added to the songs were charismatic and bold. Gorgeous is all I can say about the performance. The set ended with Green Light. Everyone in the crowd was belting out the lyrics and dancing and enjoying themselves. It was surreal. Then she thanked the crowd for everything and left the stage. We waited for the possibility of an encore. Sure enough, there was one; however, I was confused as to why the band took their instruments off the stage if there was going to be an encore. She just stood by the microphone and quieted the crowd until the space was completely silent. There was a powerful moment of complete silence before she started singing. Then as she began singing. She then stepped away from the microphone and continued singing. Ella was here. It was like she was singing in the living room of her house to her closest friends and family. The passion. The power. She was a superstar that wasn’t afraid to get personal and intimate with the audience. In that very instant, she broke down the barrier between being a real person and an international superstar. We weren’t hearing her voice through a speaker system; we were hearing her voice in the rawest form possible. There is something so metaphysically beautiful about that moment that I will never forget. We waited around the ballroom for a bit before being kicked to the sidewalk by security. After about a half hour of waiting, Ella began walking out of the venue. She immediately recognized a fan of hers after not seeing her for 3 years. It was like old friends rekindling their friendship as Ella hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. She progressed her way down the group making sure to speak with each person individually. She then got to us, we hugged and I introduced her to Mike. He ecstatically shook her hand. She kindly recorded a video of her shouting out Mike’s girlfriend who couldn’t make it to the show because of a family emergency. She then took a picture with him and then made her way to the next eager face. We walked back to the car in awe of how real and beautiful that moment was. Nothing can top it. The whole night was perfect.

Reflection

June 19, 2017 12:11 pm

Now it’s Monday of the next week. This was the story of how Melodrama made all of my dreams come true. If you came this far, I appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to read me wilding out through thousands of words. This story has made a really strong impact on my life and I will continue to hold it with me throughout any troubles life throws my way. A bit of information that I left out of at the beginning is that I was increasingly suicidal at the turn of the year due to the dwindling relationship I had with Carly, the stress of beginning a new semester, anxiety, and an overall dissatisfaction with my life as a whole. Growing up, I always had dreams of being something. I was always drawing on t-shirts and giving them to my friends or painting pictures for my family members on Christmas or making rap music out of my room with guitar hero microphones on free music software. When I was applying for college, I supplemented my parent’s vicarious dream of me being a pharmacist with persuing architecture. I loved looking at houses, I loved drawing houses: architecture was for me. However, when I reflected on 2016, I never actually achieved anything I wanted to do. I was hardly even drawing, I wasn’t making much music, and I was just overall unhappy with my life. I was always in need of hanging out with people and couldn’t stand being alone. I used social media as a gauge for self satisfaction (which was quite stupid). If I said something and it didn’t get retweets, then it must be meaningless. I eventually ended up deleting all my tweets and not using twitter at all after that. I hate how that’s how I’ve become hardwired as I’ve become dependent on social media. After Carly and I broke up in February, I had to have a long talk with Bryce about where my life was going. Where was my perfect place. It was eventually established by Bryce that the goal of meeting Lorde was impossible and that I should probably set a smaller and more achievable goal. But then it happened. Then it happened. I still question where was my place in this world. Shit, to this day, I don’t even know. BUT, I’m not scared of searching anymore. I’m not scared of a few bad days because of the sheer faith that anything can happen at any given moment; for better or for worse. I thrive off of the fact that life is always growing, there’s billions of people to talk to, there’s countless flowers to smell, and miles of roads to drive. There’s no amount of twitter followers or retweets or instagram likes that can separate me from the next person. This past week has taught me that nothing is impossible. NOTHING. I know it sounds like a cliche, but you have to believe me. Here I am in my 10′ x 10’ room that is mainly occupied by speakers from a thrift shop and second hand music equipment, and I have never felt more alive. Thank you, Ella.

“2017 is the year to be a fucking savage”

