LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying they finally felt comfortable walking around their neighborhood again, citizens of Louisville’s Parkwood district hailed Mayor Greg Fischer this week for permanently vanquishing the malevolent fire troll that had waylaid pedestrians and stolen several infants before it was slain in a decisive clash last October. “It used to be too dangerous to go out on the streets, but ever since Mayor Fischer held the amulet aloft and cast Stortbrann back to the under-realm, I feel like it’s safe to walk home from the bus stop, even at night,” local resident Cameron Watkins said of Fischer’s proactive approach, which included incanting the behemoth’s name in ancient Gutnish and wielding the hallowed Ice Hammer, the only weapon in northern Kentucky capable of piercing the beast’s onyx breastplate. “[Former mayor Jerry] Abramson never did a damn thing about the troll attacks. But by the end of his first term, Fischer personally tracked the infernal colossus to its cave and ended its reign once and for all. Now I can let my kids play outside again.” Watkins added that the neighborhood would just about be perfect if not for the swirling Wraiths of Höðr screeching in deathly terror at 6 a.m. every day.

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