We would have sold you bone saws if we knew you needed them, Britain tells Saudi government

The British government has told its Saudi equivalent that it has a range of bone saws available if Arabian tastes now go beyond missiles and fighter jets.

With the UK selling £6bn worth of weapons to the Saudi government each year, UK officials have said they would have been more than willing to include a few bone saws if they’d know the Saudis were looking for such weapons.

Trade envoy Simon Williams told us, “British firms can supply anything the Saudis want, weapon wise – whatever it is, we can get it for them. Missiles? Done. Bombs? Done. Jets? Done. Tools to chop a human body into small pieces for easy disposal? Done.

“There will be liberals who will criticise us selling such things to the Saudi government, but ask yourself, does it matter whether the weapon we sell to the Saudis is used to blow victims up in Yemen, or to chop them up in a Turkish embassy?

“The answer is it doesn’t matter at all, as long as the cheque doesn’t bounce.

“I understand BAE are releasing a new bone saw that’s capable of chopping an entire human into small pieces in under a minute – I can make the introduction if you like…”