A "self" is our internalized perception or sense of who we are in the world. Simply, it is how we think about ourselves and is a source of self-esteem.

Because of our past experiences, many of us do not develop a stable sense of what makes us us. To fit into our earliest relationships, we developed a habit of looking externally to find approval, validation, and our sense of worthiness. Over time, our relationships came to be based on someone giving us something that we do not have internally rather than mutual vulnerability and sharing.

Codependency is a learned behavior that begins in childhood, when there's a lack of boundaries within our family dynamic. We learn as children that in order to receive love, we have to be hypervigilant to the emotional state of others around us.

Let's say we had a critical, perfectionist mother. In order to receive her love, we had to appear a certain way and keep things perfectly clean. Subconsciously, the message is "I am not worthy to receive love unless I am perfect." Our focus is placed outside of ourselves to get our mother's approval because as children, love means survival.

While love and external approval no longer means survival, for many of us, it still feels that way. This is because our earliest relationships create our attachment styles. If we have not healed from those attachments, we will carry the same behaviors into our adult relationships.