The pop landscape has been dug up and re-turfed so many times it’s basically a golf course. In 2019, no one buys CDs, no one does interviews, songs have to be streamed 15bn times to make roughly a tenner, there are no music TV shows, and artists can speak directly to their fans via social media, thereby forging a myth of honest communication. Gloriously, however, one aspect of the pop machine has not changed: good, old-fashioned PR spin. We go through some completely fictional examples of how sometimes, in pop, what is said is quite different to what is meant …

What they say “I don’t really care about what [insert name of problematic artist] does in his personal life, I just love his lyrics.”

What they mean “Despite my slight reservations, my label convinced me it would be good for streaming numbers and would help on US radio. Sometimes I feel like I’m helping perpetuate the message that famous people who have committed violent crimes are in some way cool, but really, despite them not actually being anything to write home about, I just love his lyrics.”

What they say “The album’s been delayed because I’m on a roll in the studio, so why stop now?”

What they mean “It’s my third album, my first since streaming really kicked in, and seeing as none of my recent singles have peaked inside the Top 40, and Jax Jones still hasn’t returned my Instagram DM, it’s all getting pretty scary. Basically, the label will lose too much money if we launch an album off the back of a solitary appearance on Loose Women we only secured last minute after Jamelia got stuck in traffic. We did come up with something cute the other day but I overheard my manager saying it had already been pitched to Dua Lipa. Still, we’ve already paid for the studio time so why stop now?”

What they say “This album is heavily influenced by big US pop acts such as ‘NSync.”

What they mean “We’re a bit bored of rehashing old Joy Division albums while wearing black, and seeing as liking retrospectively cool pop acts is fashionable now, we’ve decided to draft in some hot new producers, like Paul Epworth and James Ford, to overhaul our sound. The vaguely dance-ish synth presets they’ve introduced us to not only make everything sound like shoddy remixes of our old songs, they also remind us of big US pop acts we’ve never listened to before such as ‘NSync.”

What they say “I needed space away from social media, for my health, but I’m back now with something important to say.”

What they mean “When I signed a deal with this particular sports brand they laid out a social media content plan that I agreed to in exchange for a lot of money. Like, a ridiculous amount. Then I took some time off social media because, frankly, it’s boring, but my team reminded me recently about my impending shoe launch and so we strategised a way of returning to Instagram without it seeming too blatant that I was only using my fans to sell a shitload of sneakers, and that’s when I suggested the line about having something important to say.”

What they say “We’re announcing an intimate tour of theatres to get closer to the fans.”

What they mean “We’ve never really cut it as a live band, but previously managed to upgrade to arenas off the back of a consistent tabloid presence that’s since diminished following a prolonged absence from the spotlight (rehab). Obviously, we haven’t cut ticket prices, because actually we can spin the lack of confidence in sales into the idea that we’re offering a greater experience because we will literally be positioned closer to the fans.”

What they say “I’ve finally been able to deliver my most personal album ever.”

What they mean “I helped pick the title, and I was there for most of the album photoshoot. Also, in the studio, someone asked me what I thought about a specific line in one of the songs, the title of which escapes me, and I said it reminded me a tiny bit of a friend I went to school with. Or maybe I met her on holiday somewhere. Anyway, they left the line in, which means I’ll always have a deeper connection to it, hence it being my most personal album ever.”