Name: Mr Brightside.

Age: 14.

Appearance: As fresh-faced and peachy as when it was first released.

Is this a song? Are you kidding me? It isn’t a song. It’s the song. It’s a hymn. It’s a folktale, embedded into the very fabric of our culture. It’s the one true unifying touchpoint of humanity.

Is it? Well, no, but it’s been in the charts for quite a long time. That’s more or less the same thing.

How long are we talking? The song just celebrated its 200th week in the top 100.

Dear lord. I know. And, according to a 2017 report by the British Phonographic Industry, Mr Brightside is also the most-streamed song released before 2010. In the last 12 months alone it was streamed 45m times. People cannot get enough of it.

And by people … I mean ageing millennials. For a certain generation, Mr Brightside is the defining sound of every university party they ever attended. It’s an indie disco staple that effortlessly conjures memories of bad haircuts and regrettable kisses and texting people numerically on rubbish Nokias.

Oh, so it’s nostalgic. Well, yes, partly. Mr Brightside is doomed to become a song that’s played at weddings. It’s Kung Fu Fighting for people who once had asymmetrical haircuts. But that’s not all. The song also has an important message.

Which is? It’s sad when you like a girl who likes someone else. To my knowledge, this is the only song ever written to deal with such a theme.

Do you know many songs? I know Mr Brightside and Who Let the Dogs Out. That’s all.

Still, this must be great for the band who recorded it. You’d think. And yet Mr Brightside has become something of an albatross. Imagine being the Killers, constantly putting out new albums to a din of complete apathy because a bunch of 35-year-olds only want to hear a song from an album that came out in 2004. They must feel absolutely critically barren.

Must they? Well, they are still putting out new music. It’s just that nobody listens to it. Their last top 10 hit was a decade ago, and only one of their last six singles made a scratch in the top 100.

But that’s OK. Better to have one big hit than none at all. You’re such an optimist. You’re Mr Brightside. You know, like in the song.

Do say: “I just can’t look, it’s killing me.”

Don’t say: “No, really, it’s killing me. Someone make it stop.”