BEIJING, CHINA – Scientists at the Chengdu Giant Panda research base today announced a major breakthrough in their long running study of the breeding habits of one of the worlds most endangered animals. Years of painstaking data gathering and dedicated research into ways of boosting the population of the notoriously slow-breeding pandas has resulted in the discovery that the majority of female pandas in captivity would just prefer to ‘really concentrate on their professional lives right now’ and were ‘in no rush to start a family’.

Until recently it was believed that female Pandas could only ovulate once every 12 months and were only capable of raising one cub every two to three years. What now appears to be the case is that the secretive bears are actually capable of a reproductive rate closer to that of rabbits or white trash but the majority preferred to sacrifice the chance of a large family for the sake of their ambitions in the fields of bamboo eating, sleeping and advertising for endangered species charities.

A visibly exhausted and depressed Zhang Anju, lead researcher on the project, announced the findings to the worlds press in an emotional briefing earlier today.

“They just don’t want to do it” he said shaking his head and muttering curses under his breath “After everything we have done for them. All the years of work. This facility cost $3bn Yuan to build! Do you know how hard it is to get that kind of funding in a communist country that still has a lot of poverty? The things I had to do, the promises I made…Just so those selfish ****ing, disgusting, ****’s can sit around in luxury modelling for the next WWF campaign?”

“Unbelievable” he added before spitting at and attempting to physically attack a reporter who asked him if he felt he had wasted his entire professional life.

The breakthrough was made when a previously unknown population of Giant Pandas was discovered in a remote range of mountains. These wild pandas, who may never have had contact with humans, were found to be living in large groups with dozens and dozens of healthy cubs One researcher, who wished to remain anonymous gave this description.

“There was a lot of sexual activity between the adults. I mean a lot. They were all over each other. Every female we encountered showed signs of being pregnant as well as having three or four cubs of different ages still suckling. These are some goddamn horny, fertile bears. Jesus. I mean, there were hundreds of them. Honestly we might have to consider a cull of Giant Pandas in this region, they are a threat to several fragile species of fern that are known to only exist in these mountains.”

Evolutionary biologist Dr Helen Clamp was one of a handful of scientists who were not surprised by the revelations.

“It’s obvious when you think about it” she argued “How did pandas survive for so long without humans spending vast amounts of time and effort trying to get them to breed? They clearly did fine on their own for millennia. This new population proves it. It’s a smart bit of evolution when you think about it. By fooling humans into thinking they were feckless reproducers they’ve managed to get themselves a lifestyle and level of personal care that most human millionaires can only dream of. I’m just surprised it’s taken us this long to work it out.”

At the time of press it was unclear what the fate of the several thousand giant pandas housed in highly specialised, purpose-built breeding complexes across the world would be. Unconfirmed reports are beginning to leak through that Dr Anju was last seen heading back into the facility he has been based in for nearly three decades with a semi automatic rifle and a bottle of scotch.