You’ve contracted coronavirus, you’ve been told you need to self-isolate for 14 days, and instead of buying things you actually might need – like food – you bought 80-dozen rolls of toilet paper. Whoops!

Luckily, there are some creative ways to bring those 960 rolls of 3-ply to life in a range of delicious dishes.

Spag Bog Roll: Everyone has their own take on this family classic. Some people use red wine, others add caramelised onions, while others still like to include shredded carrots. Unfortunately because you’re a dumbass you don’t have any food – so you’re going to need to take it back to basics.

Tear 4 x bog rolls into long thin strips. Heat in a saucepan of boiling water for 8-9 minutes or until they dissolve in a mush on your teeth. Drain, then serve. You can freeze any leftovers for later in your self-isolation period.

Chicko Toilet Rolls:Find as much random shit from around the house as you can – doesn’t matter if you don’t know what it is – stuff it all into a roll of toilet paper, heat in a microwave for 30 seconds, leave uncovered for 8 hours, then serve in a small paper bag. Some people will vomit it up immediately which is a great way to get your filling for the next batch.

Spring Toilet Rolls: Deep-fry a dozen toilet paper rolls, drain, place on a small white plate, then eat before they have properly cooled down.

Sushi Toilet Rolls: Toilet paper is traditionally eaten cooked, but this Japanese delicacy throws that idea on its head. Simply take a roll of toilet paper out of the packet and eat it raw. Engine oil and green paint make great substitutes for dipping sauces. Try to find toilet paper rolls that you’ve panic-bought recently – the fresher the better!

Sausage Toilet Rolls: You probably haven’t thought to buy any meat for your isolation, but that’s ok, because sausage rolls don’t have meat in them anyway. Heat a roll of toilet paper in a pie warmer for 24-36 hours. Serve cold in a bag.

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