The 64th Eurovision final, hosted by Israel in Tel Aviv, was swathed in controversy – from calls for a boycott over the Palestine conflict, to uncertainty over whether special guest Madonna would show up (she did), until only two burning questions remained – who would win, and how many of the estimated 200 million viewers would survive the full three hours and 40 minutes without opting to pour hot glue into their own eyes and ears just to make it stop.

The “Dare to Dream” themed ceremony was kicked off by 2018 winner, Netta Barzilai. The UK hasn’t won since 1997 with Katrina and the Waves – though some of us regard Jemini’s score of “Nul points” in 2003, as a national triumph. With the UK a member of the “Big Five” (along with France, Italy, Germany, and Spain, they make the biggest financial contribution to Eurovision), would our 2019 entry, bravely understated 21-year-old Michael Rice, make an impact with Bigger Than Us? No one could be sure – especially not with half of this year’s contestants garbed in racy PVC/leather/thigh-booted outfits, like a mass emptying-out of an Ann Summers seconds-bin.

With 26 finalists, there were many jaw-dropping performances, so apologies if I leave out your favourite. Eurovision legend, San Marino’s Serhat’s undeniably catchy anthem Na Na Na made The Birdy Song sound like a lost Beethoven symphony. Italy’s enigmatic Mahmood delivered prowling electro-panic with Soldi. Israel’s Kobi Marimi did the host nation proud with full-blast operatics for Home. Bilal Hassani’s Roi for France made me think “Over-earnest male Gaga?” (in a good way).

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Part of Madonna’s controversial performance. Photograph: Michael Campanella/Getty Images

Hotly tipped Russian entry Sergei performed Scream backed by, erm, himself reflected in umpteen mirrors. (There’s a man with healthy self-esteem.) I rather liked North Macedonia’s entry, Tamara Todevska’s Proud, despite (or because) it sounding like Barbra Streisand swallowing Celine Dion whole, and then having difficulty digesting her. Belarus’s Zena was electrically funky performing Like It. Slovenia’s entry was a sweet albeit frightening real-life couple, who kept staring obsessively at each other, as though they’d only recently escaped from a basement kidnapping.

Rice started nervous, then sang his heart out, while Sweden’s John Lunvik delivered mellow club vibes with Too Late For Love (with fabulous back-up from The Mammas). Norway’s KeiiNo performed a robustly insane Spirit in the Sky, while Luca from Switzerland bopped infectiously for She Got Me. Bookies favourite Duncan Laurence (Netherlands) sat at a piano wailing plaintively through the poetic (already mega-successful) Arcade. Personally, I preferred Iceland’s Hatari (think evil-Jedward, with a sound like Marilyn Manson with laryngitis). Serbia’s Nevena Bozovic performed a storming Kruna in a Game of Thrones-themed ballgown (extra marks for the armlet). Best staging went to Australia’s astonishing Kate Miller-Heidke, who performed Zero Gravity way up high, in a floaty dress, like a stretched-out Elsa from Frozen, as if encapsulating a recurring nightmare that Kate Bush might have had as an anxious teenager.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest The United Kingdom’s unfortunate Michael Rice who took last place. Photograph: Jack Guez/AFP/Getty Images

There followed performances from previous winners, such as Dana International (1998) and Conchita Wurst (2014). By now, viewers who hadn’t fainted face first into their bowl of Eurovision-popcorn with exhaustion were waiting to see Madonna, and finally she arrived. In full dystopian regalia, and an eye patch with an X on (for the new Madame X album), Madonna resembled a sexy pirate. After slightly stilted banter with the contestants backstage (she made them chant her lyric: “Music makes the people come together, yeah”), Madonna got together with a bunch of dancing monks, to perform a somewhat wobbly Like a Prayer (hey Madge, where was the black Christ? What is this heresy?), and then new song Future with rapper Quavo. With backing dancers writhing in gas masks and petticoats, these were suitably bonkers Eurovision visuals.

What a show! Now all we had to do was sit through the brain-numbing voting system, while pitying the contestants, now stranded backstage in little circular booths, forlornly waving little flags.

As Rice came a thundering last with 16 points (commiserations!), the leader board kept changing until finally the winner was – ta-da! – the bookies favourite, the Netherlands’ Laurence with Arcade. So, after all that, it was a shock because it wasn’t a shock. Controversy, your name is Eurovision 2019.