Coconut oil changed my life, and also my genetic coding.

I had heard that coconut oil was a natural wonder, and I’m all for anything that doesn’t contain gluten, but I couldn’t have known how big an impact this little oil would have on me.

One night, while simultaneously drinking and bathing in a vat of coconut oil, I opened my eyes. What do you think happened? Coconut oil got in my eyes? Yes. Was it extremely painful? Yes, again. Did it also make my vision superhuman? You nailed it.

Within seconds, I was able to see three galaxies away to a planet named Gå4n! That is very, very far from Beacon, New York. A few dabs of coconut oil in my ears and I could hear the ghosts of all my ancestors. “You’re fabulous,” they whispered. “The triumph of our bloodline.”

Can you believe that I got this stuff at Trader Joe’s?

When I finally climbed out of the vat, it barely came as a surprise that my sense of time was no longer linear. I could see the past and the future as clearly as the present. And the immediate future looked grim, friends. There I was, a few weeks older, and—I hate to admit this—on a bad date.

Fortunately, my powers were still growing, and I was developing a beta form of completely organic, sulfate-free mind control. So I stepped forward in time, and implanted the idea in that man’s mind to swipe left on my Tinder profile. (But don’t worry, ladies, I also made him immediately regret it!)

After saving my own life, I wanted to save someone else’s. So I stopped at a nearby children’s hospital and cured every child with a dropperful of coconut oil. It was so nice and so easy; I’m confused why people don’t do this more often. Probably because of Monsanto.

Wanting to get just a little bit more out of the coconut oil that was now swimming through my synaptic gaps, I thought, Hey, why not inject this like heroin? I’m no stranger to the dragon, but that addiction has been cured—with heaping spoonfuls of coconut oil, of course. So into my veins the oil went.

Within seconds, I mind-melded with every being in the multiverse. I am everyone and everything, and my power and ability go beyond anything you know. I am the spoon. No, that’s absurd—I am the biodegradable_ _spoon.

Now, as my atoms float through the galaxy, I ponder existence with the knowledge of all that’s ever been, and consider the benefits I’ve received from going natural. Life can be so amazing when you aren’t restricted by advertisers, big business, or physics. All in all, I highly recommend buying a jar of coconut oil and getting all these benefits for yourself.

Don’t put that shit on your face, though, ’cause you’ll break out like crazy.