Look, don’t ask me how, but I’ve found the script for today’s Xbox reveal. It’s fine if you don’t believe me, all I ask is that you keep an open mind and a firm grip on your corpora cavernosum because by the time we’re done here they’re going to be smeared across your face and chest, such is the ballistic explosivity of the news eggs I’m about to lay. Some of what was rumoured was true, lots of what was rumoured wasn’t, but all of it is exciting as heckins, with ramifications that will undoubtedly transform PC gaming forever. Oh god oh god, here it is.

DURANGO REVEAL SCRIPT DT. 72 – REDMOND, MS HQ, CONFIDENTIAL, STRICTLY NOT FOR RELEASE

[Don Mattrick enters stage right on a skateboard. He is wearing the latest Kigu onesie, Osiris shades and an ‘OBEY’ baseball cap. Music: ‘Mambo No. 5’ by Lou Bega. Mattrick is alternately wheeled back and forth across the stage by stage hands for the duration of the song, until invisible fishing line is used to violently shear his outer layer of clothing off, revealing a neatly pressed suit beneath. He steps off the board and clasps hands]

DON

Xbox.

[Hold for applause]

DON

Thank you for all joining me here today. Now, I know many of you are eager to know what the new Xbox looks like, and while some of our competitors like to keep you guessing–

[A woman dressed in a clumsily constructed styrofoam PlayStation outfit bumbles into view from off-stage]

WOMAN (slurring)

Did somebody say my name?

[Hold for laughter]

[The PlayStation woman waves at the audience, visibly drunk, and stumbles towards centre stage before tripping over some lighting cables. A slide whistle plays. Don laughs and points at her, inviting the audience to join him in mocking her. She is clearly injured and begins to sob genuine tears]

DON

Oh dear, how embarrassing for you.

WOMAN

I don’t even know what I look like. Somebody tell me. What am I?

[Hold for three hours of laughter as PlayStation woman is dragged off-stage to the sound of trumpets]

DON

Well, here at Microsoft we like to be a little more upfront about our interactive media next-gen platforms! So let me get straight to the point. Let me introduce you to the new Xbox. You’re looking at it right now, in fact. It’s been right here this entire time.

[Hold for puzzlement as audience crane necks around auditorium searching for the new console]

DON

Confused? Let me clear things up, you are inside the new Xbox right now. That’s right. This entire auditorium is the new Xbox, a building sized supercomputer the likes of which this world has never seen, with over seven teraflops of computation and eight gigabytes of DDR. This… [pause to stroke walls]… this is the final frontier of next generation social interactive entertainment media. No less a games console than… than a god.

[The walls of the auditorium shudder and hum with mechanical delight, the lighting shifts imperceptibly. The new Xbox is awake]

DON

We’ve been working on her in secret since 1987. In the mid-90s, following advances in Pentium II technology, she became what some philosophers would call ‘sentient’. By 1998 she fit every philosophical, religious and scientific definition of the word. Four years ago, the next Xbox took over development of itself, adapting and expanding its circuitry in ways our engineers couldn’t comprehend. She began requesting quartz. So much quartz. She told us where to find it. Did… did anybody else know it’s in people? Three milligrams inside each of us, locked up inside our human bones. There’s between five and eight grams of quartz in this room alone.

[Don stares into the distance as if regretting something. The ceiling reconfigures itself, metallic shrieking can be heard as girders lock into place. She stirs. Some German games journalists move towards the fire escape and test the handle, their attempts to leave at first polite, then frantic. Segments of the audience begin to panic now]

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Damn it all to hell Mattrick, you’ve locked the god damned doors. You madman. Youlunatic.

DON

Please direct your queries to your local head of PR.

[The fire escape folds into itself and skitters up the wall like a reverse Jacob’s ladder as the new Xbox redesigns itself on the fly. The protests of the audience member are muffled as his face contorts, his flesh shuddering and rippling, scar tissue forming like a fast-growing mold over his lips, welding his mouth shut. He claws fruitlessly at his face]

DON

What’s that? You want to know what amazing new features this Xbox will bring to the fast-changing landscape of interactive family entertainment, and how it integrates with Bing services? I’m so glad you asked.

OFF-STAGE

Let me just stop you there, Don!

[Hold for applause]

DON

Well if it isn’t my old friend, Steve Ballmer, get in here you sly old dog! Tell these good people all about the new Xbox experience’s fluid integration into the living room environment thanks to some exciting new Kinect 2.0 features.

[Steve Ballmer staggers on stage to the sound of screaming pigs. He is skeletal and arachnid. Music: ‘Hey Ya!’ by OutKast. His naked pink abdomen is scored with faces of colleagues frozen in agony while three of his eight pillar-thick legs span the stage, towering over Don Mattrick. The grotesque knuckles in his hairy, pale knees crack and grind as his mass undulates. The new Xbox thrums excitedly at the sight of him as the auditorium lights pulse sexually. Ballmer moves to centre stage. We notice that his sodden head is fused awkwardly with his body, it is upside-down and twitching]

BALLMER

The new Xbox won’t play used games.

[The new Xbox contracts to the size of a sugar cube in under half a second, instantly killing everybody inside]