Fight or Flight

I’m a lover not a fighter – full stop. Don’t get me wrong – i’ll fight for what’s important in my life including love but when it comes to violence i’m far mor of a lover.

And I don’t make apologies for it – I absolutely detest violence and i’m becoming more and more concerned about how much more seemingly common it is these days. You only have to pick up the paper on a Sunday or Monday morning to read about the latest knifing, shooting or bashing out on the town to realise that this problem is really getting worse.

Thankfully through most of my life i’ve managed to avoid violence. I’d much rather try and talk my way out of something rather than throw punches. And there have been many times where talking has successfully got me out of potentially violent encounters.

Unfortunately a few weeks ago my luck ran out and I simply couldn’t talk my way out of the situation. I had been at the wedding of two friends of mine up in the Hills. We had a bus bring a large group of us back to the city and drop us off at a pub – everyone’s choice then to either get a cab or kick on. A very close mate of mine and I thought we’d go in for one nightcap and then be on our way. We stayed for about half an hour shooting the shit and catching up and then decided to wander outside and get a cab.

Whilst waiting, a verbal altercation started between a group of girls from the wedding (who we didn’t know) and a group of random guys who had been at the pub. Trying to ignore something that had nothing to do with us, we continued to wait. Until one of the guys appeared to take a swing at one of the girls. Now i’m the least sexist person you’ll meet – i’m all about equality. But I still have a fundamental issue with guys hitting girls (well, I have a fundamental issue with anyone hitting anyone but even more so with guys hitting girls). My mate jumped straight in to try and break the situation up and was promptly punched in the nose from a cheap shot. Of course I then had to step in and promptly did so standing between the two groups trying to diffuse the situation. I simply said “Look, i’m going to take these guys this way – you take your guys that way – we don’t want any trouble”. Then without any further warning I was promptly hit in the jaw.

It was one of those moments where time went very slowly. I was obviously shocked that i’d been hit given that I was simply trying to diffuse the situation. And my first very strong and overwhelming instinct was to hit back as hard as I could. Then a little voice of rationality spoke up and made me do some counting – five of them, two of us – we would have had the living shit kicked out of us and ended up seriously injured or worse. So somehow I managed to gather our group and walk away.

I’m sure there are plenty of you out there that would have reacted differently. I’m sure there are also plenty of you out there that would call that gutless and think that a real man doesn’t walk away from a fight. To you I say you are wrong – you are really wrong. Violence fuels more violence. We simply can’t stand up as a society and say that violence isn’t okay if we are willing to perform it ourselves when pushed. Tit for tat is a bullshit idea for the weak of mind. People need to stand up for themselves and that is a message i’m going to send loud and clear to my children – but it doesn’t have to be through violence.

Don’t get me wrong – you touch a member of my family or my partner and rationality goes out the window and I can’t be held responsible for my actions – simple as that – i’ve been in that situation before and have reacted very differently to how I reacted this night. There are some biological instincts that simply can’t be talked away. But in a situation like this, no-one was in any more immediate danger and escalating the situation would have done exactly that. If these guys had kept swinging and tried to hit the girls or my mate again then I would have reacted very differently – but I had the presence of mind to assess the situation and make a logical decision (I’m not necessarily criticising anyone who may have acted differently – testosterone is a powerful hormone and in most people will cause you to act without the luxury of rational thought).

I’ve always used my words to great effect. During my work life i’m constantly required to be very assertive, controlling and even at times a little aggressive – and I have to admit I enjoy it. And as such words will always be my weapon of choice if it’s possible in a given situation.

So I suppose in this situation it wasn’t a case of pure fight or flight – there was a third option which I took. I assessed the situation and left further violence as an absolute last resort.

Upon thought the next day, I was actually quite proud of myself. I know that hitting the guy back would have felt absolutely fantastic and I would have been heralded as a hero by my friends. But when really confronted I managed to keep my emotions in check and be measured in my reaction. And it’s this type of emotional maturity that I strive for as part of my emotional health. That’s not to say that there isn’t a place for emotional reaction. Sometimes in life you do need to let your emotions take over briefly – but the second you let your emotions control you then you’ve lost the battle with yourself. To be happy in life you need to love yourself and love the person that you are – and I could simply not love the person I am if I always reacted emotionally and let them control me. Unfortunately there are plenty of people that can condone and perform violence and still sleep comfortably at night……..and i’m really thankful i’m not one of those people.