Fewer. Not less, F-E-W-E-R. Because it matters – God, this is why they should bring back grammar lessons. Fewer is for things you count, less is for, well, things you don’t count. Like mud. No, it’s not OK to say less than 10 miles. Well, your teachers ought to care; it’s almost as bad as saying historic for historical. I wrote to the Times about it: anyone capable of that kind of outrage ought to be gagged, imprisoned and banned from writing, as well as summarily dismissed – the same goes for people who use disinterested for uninterested. Because, apart from the tragic loss of a completely innocent word, which should be punishable, like any other form of murder, the abuse of language causes needless anger, hurt and offence. It’s a question of good manners. Did you really just say refute?

I don’t care what Shakespeare wrote, his grammar was appalling. It’s a mystery to me, the respect for a man capable of writing, “Who woulds’t thou serve?” I always shout out whom if there are children in the audience – it makes my skin crawl to hear actors repeating his howlers. No wonder people don’t bother about split infinitives any more, or punctuation. Well, I’m not giving up: there are 400 signatories on my petition for swingeing, on-the-spot fines for shops guilty of greengrocers’ apostrophes, though every one of us has a duty to intervene. People are fighting back, like the Wikipedia man: completely inspirational, devotes his life to correcting examples of comprises of. Because it’s wrong. Because of the waste of ofs, obviously.

If not being irresponsible and misleading is pedantic, I’m proud to be one. What do “potato’s” own, I’d like to know, and what if I wrote something like “The boys dinner is in the oven”? I know you can’t speak apostrophes, but it’s different in real life. Look, the point is, they’re rules, otherwise you’re looking at chaos. I don’t know why I’m defending myself, it should be the other way round. Did you see my letter in the Times? What kind of sick and twisted society tolerates the daily misuse of enormity?