MEGHAN Markle will show her commitment to Britain by carrying around an inflatable penis on her hen night.

The historic evening will take place tonight, starting at a mate’s flat where Markle will down four glasses of Prosecco in half an hour before necking some vodka and putting the bottle in her handbag.

A Royal spokesperson said: “The princess-to-be will visit a Yates’s Wine Bar where she will tell them it’s her hen night and hassle the bar staff for a free round of shots.

“At this point her entourage will get out the giant inflatable penis and a learner driver sign, causing several other customers to leave due to the unbearable shrieking.

“Later in the evening they will be ejected from a different bar, with Ms Markle still clutching the huge pink cock while a friend tries to hit a bouncer with one of her high heels.

“They will then fail to get into a club for being paralytically pissed, causing the royal bride to start crying and say she ‘wouldn’t go into that shithole now if they paid her’.

“The presence of the giant inflatable phallus will make this scene all the more depressing.

“The royal hen night will then officially end outside a kebab shop in Lewisham with Meghan vomiting on the pavement and Princess Anne snogging a cab driver.”