Well, we’ve arrived. As the number of women approaches the single digits, and the show takes to the road, the dramatic stakes are inevitably raised by some simple “twist of fate”: a bizarre and uncomfortable date is planned, a contestant deviates from the rules of the game, the Bachelor/Bachelorette makes a small blunder that leaves a room full of people seething for an entire day . Heck, sometimes a villain even emerges! This season, they went for broke and threw it all in there at once in Santa Fe, and the result is the emotional equivalent of a Saw movie. Let’s go to the tape:

The Date from Ewwwwww

It’s been no secret, even before Britt called him on it last week, that Chris has been a bit of a horndog so far this season, interested more in who’s ready and willing to make out in minimal layers of clothing than things like conversation or complete sentences. With that in mind, I like to think of his horrifying date with Carly as the producers catching their boy smoking a cigarette out back, and punishing him by making him chain smoke a carton. If it’s sensual you want, Chris, then sensual you shall have, with robes and burning sage and erotic partner yoga.

Chris seems shocked (but not necessarily disappointed) that the mystic hippie woman guiding them turned out to be “not a love guru, but a sex guru!”, while Carly discloses that (gasp!) she has issues with physical intimacy. They finally snap during a “removing of masks” exercise, with clothing cleverly playing the role of masks, and Carly deciding that she shall tug at Chris’ drawstring trousers no further! He agrees, and is actually pretty great about respecting her boundaries (though it helps that he’s reached his limit too). They instead do a final exercise where she sits on his lap and they softly breathe into each other’s faces. I really hope everyone brushed today. Carly gets the rose, and I’m OK leaving this whole thing behind as quickly as possible.

The Interloper

Next, we have a group date, which is … whitewater rafting? And it is dull as dishwater, with the exception of the river guide being named Sisqó [sic, I’m sure], and the women getting petty to the camera when Jade falls in the water and has to be warmed up by Chris due to low internal body temperature? OK, sure. The whole thing takes about five minutes, so you know that something is about to go down when they retire for cocktails.

And Does. It. EVER.

I think we can all agree that Jordan, the overerved (to put it delicately) woman sent home in Week Two, did not just decide to track the old gang down to Santa Fe of her own volition. When Jordan comes waltzing into the hotel lobby just as Chris is on his way to meet the ladies for drinks, its actually a producer-constructed psychological challenge in the guise of a human woman. Will Chris decide to let her join the evening’s proceedings? (Of course, I mean she came all this way!) Will the ladies who weren’t unconscious for critical portions of the first two weeks object to her leapfrogging into the later rounds of the contest on the premise of “a second chance”? (Undoubtedly, and they’re not wrong!) Will some of them apply a more socially deft touch to voicing their objection, while others are unable to contain their seething rage and contempt? (YOU BET). The cocktail party rose for this week becomes a competition for who can present themselves as the least shitty person in the face of a blatantly constructed and unfair “twist” in the game. Fun!

Chris decides that Whitney has behaved in the least appalling manner, and gives her the rose, marking the second time (after the “wedding crashers” incident) that Whitney has triumphed in the face of a premise that strains credulity. Good for her! Naturally, the less composed women in the room are then sent spiraling over the edge, most notably Ashley (no longer burdened with a distinguishing I.), apparently declaring a blood feud with Whitney for the grave offense of being a cool customer.

The Pressure Cooker

Next up, the long awaited one-on-one with frontrunner and fan-favorite Britt. Tensions are high going into this date even apart from the Jordan drama, with Carly and Britt left behind together to discuss being the outgoing and incoming recipients of Chris’ undivided attention for the week … no potential problems with that, right? Britt’s giddy anticipation of the date card blinds her somewhat to the volleys of passive-aggressive comments that Carly is firing her way, centered particularly on the fact that Britt may or may not have showered since they got there, and also sleeps in her makeup? Considering that Britt participated in that godawful mud race last week, and went pretty hard at it to boot, I find this difficult to believe. When the date card arrives, its for something involving heights, which (gasp!) Britt is afraid of, and Carly responds with an oddly comforting “Ha, you think they exploited YOUR fears … let me tell YOU!”. It’s good to see that even at this advanced stage of the contest, the women can still unite against the common enemy that is their captors.

When the time comes for the date, Chris goes to fetch Britt in a seemingly innocuous way that will prove to be a HUGE mistake. You see, the women all bunk up together in hotel rooms, apparently sleeping on shared king size beds and cots, because this show is on a budget? This means that when Chris comes waltzing in at 4AM to whisk Britt off for a magical day, he and the accompanying camera and lighting crew can’t help but rouse all the others in the room from their slumber … including the already jealous Carly, sleeping mere feet away. Now, up until now, this could all be Chris being lured into a situation by the producers and unwittingly creating drama, but he then proceeds to make with the cutesy talk and gentle kisses on her hand before she’s even gotten out of bed. That’s all on you, dude – not cool. Of course, now that all the ladies are awake, they might as well get a jump on the day, which is now packed full to the brim with hating on Britt.

While that storm of ugly feelings rolls in, Britt is tremendously relieved to find that their high altitude date is a hot air balloon ride, which she can handle as long as she’s in Chris’ arms (hey Britt, haven’t you seen a postcard, or even looked out a window, since you’ve been in town?). They sail along, intercut with any and all manner of accusations being thrown down at the home front, before retiring to Chris’ chambers for chatting on the couch, then the bed, then under the covers, then … camera rolls back as doors close. Subtlety!

To close out this magical day, Britt decides to seemingly hop out of bed and go straight down to hang with the other ladies and report on her day. SUCH a savvy move, because they are THRILLED to hear about it and have not accumulated any ill will towards her over the past twelve hours they’ve been awake, no sir! And yet, we’re only being teed up for the biggest mindfuck of the episode, and some have said, of Bachelor history …

The Villainous Widow (dun dun duuuuuuun!)

All episode long, Kelsey has been simmering in the background. She’s distraught at not having a one-on-one date, and not sure how much longer she can wait for one, as its the only appropriate time to tell Chris about her late husband who died of congestive heart failure a whole 18 months prior (hey, ABC – new screening question: “Have you had a spouse or domestic partner die within the past 18-24 months?” Just a suggestion). Now, in the hours before the cocktail party and rose ceremony, she breaks away from the group to visit Chris’ room and tell him her story. This, in and of itself, is not unusual for this show, and Kelsey is not wrong to want to get this off her chest before things go further. Sure, she’s a little antsy about it, and it seems like she might be worried about going home if the deed isn’t done, but it’s not raising any red flags.

Then she goes in and gives her spiel (which sounds way more dramatic and rehearsed than Juelia’s admittedly more tragic story of loss), and the scenes of Chris comforting her with hugs and kisses are intercut with a straight to camera interview that is essentially a majestic flowing banner of crimson descending upon the screen. Maybe it’s adrenaline from being relieved of this burden, but Kelsey is positively giddy, beaming ear to ear as she delivers the infamous line “Isn’t my story amazing?!?” in the manner of a Disney villain unveiling her true intentions. She proceeds to positively demolish the fourth wall of the show, which for someone like me who is always picking at the seams of the show’s “reality”, is a real treat. You see, this isn’t just Chris’ love story, it’s hers too, and by confessing her personal tragedy and earning that first kiss, she’s properly advanced the plot in the way this story should, nay, MUST proceed. “Tune in Mondays at 8,” she tells us, effectively supplanting Chris as the show’s feature, at least in her mind (which, if that’s what she wants … it’s called The Bachelorette, and it could have been an option for you before this mess). I’m not naive enough to not credit masterful editing with creating this jaw dropping moment, and recognize that everyone grieves in their own particular and often strange ways, but you have to at the very least admit that Kelsey, in a moment of weakness, handed the producers of The Bachelor what was perhaps the greatest gift they’ve ever received.

The fact that everything that follows this moment seems ho-hum in comparison is indicative of just how much the show leaves us reeling here. Chris calls them in for the cocktail party, loses his composure when referencing the chat he had with Kelsey and has to excuse himself, Chris Harrison returns to the room as Bachelor Chris’ envoy to announce that there will be no cocktail party, as Chris’ mind is made up, at which point Kelsey excuses HERself, and collapses in the hallway from a panic attack. To Be Continued flashes upon the sceen, and we’re denied the pleasure of a rose ceremony this week.

But all of that has happened before, and will happen again. It’s icing on the cake. The producers of The Bachelor have already managed to top themselves by aligning these Four Horsemen of Bachelor Drama (patent pending) into one episode, and there’s still almost half a season to go.