The problem with dating is that people take it too seriously. The ultimate goal of any date should be to simply find a person you can spend the rest of your living existence with. No big deal when you think about it. How to meet people, attire, conversation and future dates all sounds complicated, but they are not: either your pheromones congeal, or they don’t. So, to confuse things a bit more, I will offer my insights into the vapid and totally unreliable world of dating. Also, I would like to finally define what third base actually is. You are welcome.

MEETING PEOPLE

The bar of the 21st century is the Internet. Dating websites are a dime a dozen with basically the same people, just on different sites. The free ones are the best because, as everyone knows, single people are inherently cheap. Plenty of Fish and OKCupid are free and popular. Remember, everyone is a sex god in front of their computer; meeting in person is the only way to deem relevance to misshotkittyluvwallet or captainawesomehungdoctor.

If you go to the bar to meet your mate keep in mind that people don’t go to bars to meet anyone, they go to pretend to be unattainable. And most of the time if you do end up going home with someone it is because you were too pissed drunk to make a proper decision, or the person you take home was. So stay at home, go on the Internet, take a high angle shot of yourself making a kissy face and you are halfway to having an awkward first impression e-mail conversation. It’s better than blowing cash at a club just to go home and take advantage of yourself (cash is not a person in this example).

CONVERSATION

The hardest part of the first date is talking to a shy person. Sometimes no matter what you say, do, or throw against the wall, they remain uncomfortably silent. In this situation, I try to entertain myself. For example, I like to explain about how when I wanted to be a helicopter when I was a child, or how I don’t like eating fish because they don’t have emotions and are therefore untrustworthy. Remember, there is a difference between entertaining yourself and trying to gauge the sense of humour of your date. What you really want to do is create and air of honesty. Some say honesty is the best policy, but if you want there to be a second date, my opinion is that shut up is the best policy. If you start talking about your bowel movements or how you are sexually attracted to fire you are screwed. Ask her where she got her shoes; ask him where he got his neck tattoo of Jesus crying on the beach. That should get the ball rolling.

ATTIRE

If you show up in your unrealistic best, they will expect that all the time. Be comfortable. Personally, I like to dress for the weather with a little style. Something that is nice, but if I had to flee for my life, I could do so in comfort. Sometimes I’ll mix it up just to gauge reaction. So, when I show up with a cape, a tall staff, a small scabbard, two greyhounds, a wedding veil and the key to the city around my neck, I can say, “Hey baby, this is who I really am. And if you don’t like it, you can hit the bricks.” If they stay, impregnate or get impregnated. This person is worth your time.

SECOND DATE AND BEYOND

This is where people start to see the real you, the blemishes and scars; the farts and the stars. At this point it’s all chemistry. Logic dictates that from here on it, it is really out of your control. But, logic is for Vulcan losers, so be you. Do those weird things that you like to do. No, not pee in the shower, but the interesting stuff. Remember, don’t go all the way*. Nobody likes opening their presents before Christmas. Trying to build a relationship after already having sex is like opening a beautifully wrapped box and saying, “Oh, yeah, socks. What a non-surprise.”

At this point it is OK to be a bit judgmental. If he treats the wait staff like shit, ditch him. If she can’t stop texting, start running. Life is too short so spend it with nimrods.

But remember this. We all die alone. No matter who you are with at the time, death is a singular experience. Either of you will die leaving the other with an amputated feeling. And this my friends, is what you want. You want to find that person who you will miss, or will miss you, for all eternity. Godspeed.

*Try third base, which by definition, is anything that still legally leaves you a virgin. Please discuss in the comment section below.