Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post last night received the most unusual phone call we have ever conducted. President Donald Trump called the main Halfway office at 8:16pm and ranted for a good two minutes, and then hung up abruptly without a closing salutation.

The following is a transcript of the President’s soliloquy:

“Hey, Donald Trump here. I just want to tell you that your organization is fake news. It’s totally fake. You’re all fake. But that bit about Ted Cruz—I liked that one. Maybe I should deport him. Then you’ll be thanking me because for once you’ll be real news. You know, I have a thick skin. Everyone talks about it, they say, ‘wow, Mr. Trump, everyone says such terrible things about you, how do you deal with it so strongly?’ And it’s true. The media is very unfair. They should be thanking me is what they should be doing. Thanks to me their ratings are gong through the roof. Actually, I should have been a media guy. I’m great with marketing, what can I say. The Trump name is everywhere, I have buildings all over the world. I’ve built a lot. Well, I’ve sold my name to other people who have built a lot, and what’s the difference? But they’re turning on me, and being unfair. Taking my name off things. These people are not good business people. They’re jumpy, and you can’t be jumpy in business. They should buy my book Art of the Deal. Best-seller. But apparently all my Latin American deals are going bad. Everyone’s being very unfair. I can’t figure it out. Here I am, President, practically the king of the media, and these hispanic people don’t want to go to my hotels. What did I do? You know, being President is not as fun as I thought it would be. I thought it would be more gimmicky than it is. And the White House is a dump. What was I thinking leaving Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower? I had a whole floor to myself, a gold-plated penthouse. You know how hard it is to sneak in a porn star to the White House? Everyone has to sign in. And why does everyone have to look into my past, and financial records, and all the bad things I’ve done. I didn’t realize that becoming president meant I’d have to explain past actions, comments, and bad behavior. Really, if I’m being honest, I think becoming President was a mistake. Probably the biggest mistake of my life. And don’t get me started on the reading. I didn’t realize Obama was a nerdy, goody-two-shoes guy who liked reading. I don’t have time to read. It’s bad enough I have to read a whole page, but apparently an entire page is the very minimum of information I need to see every day as President. And they even use a 9-point font so a lot of words fit in. They wouldn’t increase the font, but at least I got them to type my reports in comic sans. What a cute font. It makes the boring foreign policy stuff a little less formal and a little more fun. Oh, gotta go. Time to watch Sean Hannity say beautiful things about me.”

The President hung up on us.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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