According to University College London, you need to possess five skills if you want to be wealthy, healthy and happy in life: emotional stability, control, optimism, determination and conscientiousness. Well whoopty-do. If you ask me, this list completely ignores the real, practical life skills that help people get the most out of life. They are:

1 The ability to tell whether chicken is off or not by smell alone

It’s the age-old conundrum. You’ve had an opened packet of chicken breasts in the fridge for a week and they are two days out of date. You are on a tightrope, teetering between a delicious meal and a week-long bout of crippling illness. Only a few people, trained in the fine art of chicken-sniffing, are able to successfully navigate this dilemma. Honestly, they should teach it in schools.

2 Knowing how train ticket machines work

This one is easy, and yet lost on the vast proportion of the population. All you need to know is the basic layout of a ticket machine in a train station – including where the credit card slot is, the correct spelling of your destination and how many people you are. A vague knowledge of the arcane intricacies of the on-peak-off-peak system is an added bonus, too. Bingo, nobody will ever roll their eyes at the back of your head again.

3 Basic grip strength

Need to open a jar? Basic grip strength. Need to carry a lot of shopping home? Basic grip strength. Need to do chin-ups in a park to look sexy for girls? Basic grip strength. Need to dangle off a gutter to avoid the murderous teeth of an escaped lion? Basic grip strength, every time.

4 Making eye contact

The eyes, they say, are the window to the soul. If you can look someone in the eye, you automatically seem more friendly, trustworthy, confident and empathetic. So if you need someone to do what you want, look them in the eye. If they don’t do what you want, keep looking them in the eye. They’ll be putty in your hands.

5 An ability to understand that life is temporary and that nothing really matters

Ultimately, if you are going to prosper in life, emotional stability, control, optimism, determination and conscientiousness are meaningless. What you really need is a sense that humanity exists by accident. An understanding that Earth is simply a speck of dust in an ocean of nothing, and that it will not be missed if goes away. Donald Trump knows this, and who is richer or more successful than him? Exactly.