News that the children’s TV character Fireman Sam is to be dropped as Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue’s mascot – for not seeming inclusive enough to girls who might wish to join the service – has provoked the usual adult males into howls of airtime. As always with these things, you can divide the two sides of the “debate” into People You Might Care to Have a Pint With, and People Who Should Be Ended Like Tommy in Goodfellas (“They even shot Tommy in the face so his mother couldn’t give him an open coffin at the funeral”).

Anyway. Before we go on, a word on Fireman Sam. Over the past six years or so, I have not just watched every single episode of this show. I have watched all of them at least twice, in most cases many, many more times. I have watched Fireman Sam in stop-motion; I have watched Fireman Sam in CGI animation; and I have watched all the feature-length Fireman Sam specials till I mouth along to their last lines with the same climactic reverence I would reserve for “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” or “Forget it Jake – it’s Chinatown”. Mainly because it means they’re finally over and we can do Lego or something instead.

In summary, not only is there jack shit about Pontypandy that I am not on top of, but there is literally nothing about the eponymous character that I don’t know. So let me tell you, as a true expert in this field: Fireman Sam himself would be totally fine with this. Wouldn’t mind one bit about being dropped as the mascot. Not even as a C-plot in a 10-minute episode.

Yet incredibly, it seems there are a whole host of middle-aged media twats, who have actual jobs, who have somehow misunderstood the profoundly opaque character of pre-school fave Fireman Sam. Guys – it’s not Mulholland Drive. How can toddlers be better at this than you? Still, I want to be inclusive, so let me break it down for the angry folks. SAM’S A NICE MAN. HE DOESN’T WANT TO COME OFF LIKE A SHIT. He’s already achieved far, far beyond what he set out to when he joined the Pontypandy service, and he would be absolutely cool with someone else having a go at being a mascot for – hang on, let’s remind ourselves here – a single county branch of the fire and rescue service. Sam knows that if it brings in more great female fire officers like Penny, then we all win.

Because here’s the thing about Sam: he’s not some professional media snowflake who has to wet his Depends every morning about something just to feel alive. What sort of example would that be setting to naughty Norman Price, or nice Mandy, the nurse’s daughter, or – most pressingly – to his boss, station officer Steele? If Sam pulled the tantrums you lot do, he’d be out on his ear. There’s no “I” in Pontypandy, and the minute someone reckons they’re bigger than the fire station, then it’s over. Sam’s a super-amiable cartoon firefighter, not Neymar.

But it’s not enough, is it? These people screaming about Fireman Sam won’t be satisfied until this committed local fire officer, who wants no part of it, has been made to own the libs. On the basis that it’s best to know your enemy, then, here follows the tried-and-tested playbook they now want Sam to follow. Read it carefully and understand one thing: THIS IS THE WORLD CONSERVATIVES WANT YOU TO LIVE IN.

Fireman Sam gets a Netflix special

Like me, you probably feel as if you have so very much more to learn about what 50-year-old comedians feel about gender pronouns and so on, and Netflix specials seem primarily geared towards addressing that deep need in Earth’s populace. Luckily, Sam has a tight 57 minutes of opening material on the subject, and could expect his own special – working title FIRESTARTER – to add to the sum of human hilarity on the matter. Word of warning, though: if you’re under 30 and you find this “absolute legend” hysterically funny, you’re going to be voting far right by the time you’re 52. Drink aware, kids.

Fireman Sam plays ‘the Animal Gambit’

Hey, you know this one. It involves a guy honking: “WHAT??? WHAT??? CAN I JUST IDENTIFY AS A PENGUIN/BADGER/PERSON WHO ISN’T AN OBVIOUS TWAT, THEN?” I would call it a rhetorical question, if that didn’t take a dump all over Aristotle’s lifetime of work in the field of banter. Having said that, the Animal Gambit WILL slay in the bar at the Brexit party conference, so if you’re going along later this month and plan to use it, do pack adequate contraception/Mace. As for Sam, ideally we would have an episode where he climbs to the roof of Dilys’s shop, screaming: “Shall I identify as a seagull then????”, until Penny wearily uses Jupiter’s ladder to get him down, and a toddler savant – possibly Mandy’s little brother – explains to Sam that it just isn’t that big of a deal, babe.

For some, of course, it really is. In a meta-incident of the Animal Gambit, TV chef James Martin has been spurred into essaying the move by the Fireman Sam news itself. “Right that’s it,” James tweeted on Thursday. “Fireman Sam is the last straw I’m done with this pc bollocks and 100 identities being taught. In a last stand to this outrageous madness I now wish to be known as an Otter. I like other Otters and when you get bored of this crap in the world join me under water with other Otters, both male and female, and call enough and an end to this madness”.

Thanks for dialling in, chef. Although obviously it would be a lot more useful to TV viewers if you identified as someone who can cook a stir-fry and NOT make a meal of the Bonnie Tyler interview you’re doing at the same time. Also, most of the things you make on Saturday Morning With James Martin are not actually recipes, but serving suggestions. And if you can’t handle that instance of free speech, James, don’t @ me on it anywhere other than the high court. I only play the big venues.

Fireman Sam lands an explosive TV interview

Following his viral appearance on one of the second-tier crisis of masculinity podcasts, Sam will be catnip to show bookers who see him as a prophet of the disenfranchised white male, with a story that also speaks of chronic underfunding in left-behind areas of Wales, even if the facts in this particular case are that Pontypandy has two fire engines, a mobile command unit, two helicopters, a jet ski, a quad bike, an amphibious rescue vehicle, two 4x4s, a mountain rescue ambulance and two rescue boats. Having resigned to pursue a media career, Sam will appear on a major reality show, which producers will edit in order that he wins, just like they did with Celebrity Big Brother and Jim Davidson. (Why hasn’t Jim got a Netflix special? Half of them basically repurpose his routine. He should at least get royalties.)

Ultimately, the keystone of his big TV interview – and, indeed, act two of his life – will be Sam following the path of so many thinkers before him, and shrugging: “I always say to people: ‘I haven’t changed. The world has. I’m still here, mate, right where I’ve always been. It’s the world that’s changed!’” This is a point that can be demolished simply by replying to it with the word: yes.