If Robbie Williams found himself in my bedroom (an improbable proposition, admittedly) he would likely conclude: "Given the mess and all the clothes on the floor, I'd say this subject is 100% straight."

Because the singer – and he is far from alone – seems unable to distinguish stereotype (that floordrobes are for heterosexuals) from reality.

In an interview with the Daily Star, he said: "I love musical theatre and a lot of the other things that are often associated with gays. I am 49% homosexual and sometimes as far as 50% However, that would imply that I enjoy having a particular sort of fun, which I don't."

Oh, Robbie. You are not 49% homosexual; you are 100% idiot. Of all the statements about homosexuality, this is packed so deep with stupidity, I'm like a heterosexual at a car boot sale, dizzily unsure where to begin. (We can all cheapen others in the stereotype bonanza.)

Musical theatre. Personally, I would avoid the jazz hands brigade with every bit as much gusto as I would a salute (the appropriate collective noun, I feel) of Ukip activists. And there are many just like me, a fact to shock the supposedly gay-friendly heterosexual to his/her liberal core. Ask the nearest gay man (Williams is not referring to lesbians) if the following soliloquy is familiar to them: "Oh I love gay men! So funny! So well-dressed! And tidy! They make such caring friends, too. Great listeners. Probably because, you know, they've been through a lot. Oh and their bodies: they take such good care of themselves. Always in fashion. And so outrageous!"

The only part of this that is wholly accurate is the "been through a lot" bit – we've had to listen to this stinking garbage our entire lives. If I have to hear one more supposedly positive generalisation about my brethren I will demand the EU set up a gay state surrounded by electric fences that zap anyone in polyester within a 100 mile-radius. (Manmade fibres! That's what you people wear!)

Robbie, gay people are only "associated" with musical theatre by the sort of people who associate black people with "being good at sport and music".

You may wonder, given the centuries of murder, rape, torture, imprisonment, bullying, sham marriages and pitch-black closets inflicted on gay people, why such light-hearted, seemingly affectionate stereotypes matter. It is simple: what other assumptions come as a two-for-one? What does Lady Knight also think about gay people given her remarks during the same-sex marriage debates that "they are often extremely, very, very good at things like antiques"?

That we are also "bitchy"? That we are incapable of raising children? That we are attracted to children? The alleged liberal convinced black people have a "better sense of rhythm" also reaches for their wallets when they see a black face.

Categorisation through surface characteristics might be an anxiety quelling instinct, a superstition we're convinced is helpful in quickly judging someone's merits or demerits. But it reduces and dehumanises us all.

Let me offer Robbie Williams some guidance: you are nearly half gay if about half the people you desire sexually have the same set of genitals as you and if you spend nearly half your life overwhelmed with love for someone with the same chromosomal wiring. That's it. Gay men may all like cock, but only a fraction like Cabaret.

Take That dreary reality, Robbie, along with the fact that hordes of homosexuals are boring, violent, bad dancers, incapable of listening or picking out a divine outfit, and bury it in a bargain bin along with your ever-so heterosexual cover of George Michael's Freedom.

There is further cause for my venom. (Such sharp tongues, you know). In 2005, Williams sued a newspaper and two magazines for daring to suggest he was gay. Yet here we are, eight years later, and he is releasing an album entitled Swings Both Ways, with predictable allusions to bisexuality, thus ensuring both man and music swing in unison, hitting banality at one end and genre genocide at the other.

On which bum note leads us to marketing. Not for nothing did our crooner add his sigh-inducing caveat about not actually enjoying "a particular sort of fun": like a zillion other mainstream pop acts, he acknowledges and teases gay audiences, appropriates just enough gay culture to edgy-up his image and tap into a key demographic, but, at any opportunity will spell out exactly how heterosexual he really is, just in case someone at the record company gets a sweat on.

Should ever Williams change his mind and try out what homosexuality is really like, I trust my fellow gay men will keep their bedroom doors, like the minds of the stereotype swallowers, firmly shut.