By James Demetrius Abagantamos Maximus Mellen III.

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?

Between Sweetener and thank u, next Ariana Grande has earned herself the title of America’s biggest popstar and sweetheart. However, from the embers of 1917, a new sweetheart is on his way, straight from the Ukraine: Leon Trotsky.

Ariana Grande won the ears and hearts of the American people with her album Dangerous Woman. With her beautiful voice and risqué lyrics, Ariana grinded up the charts to stardom. However, from California to the New York island, Americans began to feel that maybe Grande’s lyrics didn’t mention eating the rich nearly enough. In fact, singles such as “7 Rings” enforced the toxic buying culture that plagues this country’s culture. Woody Guthrie didn’t die for this!

This is really the culture in which Leon Trotsky began to steal the hearts of the American public, in Theory of Permanent Revolution Leon Trotsky blessed the American ears and hearts with lyrics such as

¨The dictatorship of the proletariat which has risen to power as the leader of the democratic revolution is inevitably and, very quickly confronted with tasks, the fulfillment of which is bound up with deep inroads into the rights of bourgeois property.

The democratic revolution grows over directly into the socialist revolution and thereby becomes a permanent revolution.¨

What did Ariana have to say in rebuttal America? Bottles? I bought a crib just for the closet? We should have no love for the petty bourgeoisie in the land of the free!

And talk about boy problems! Sure the engagement of Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson had America talking for a summer or so, but the falling out between Leon Trotsky and his ex-boyfriend Joseph Stalin has been talked about in America for over a century!

After Vladimir Lenin, the third member of their iconic queer polyamorous revolutionary relationship died, Stalin lost sight of what the good old boys had fought for in the first place.

See, Trotsky really took to heart the whole ¨workers of the world unite¨, while Stalin was an advocate of single state socialism, the antithesis to everything that Trotsky had fought and been imprisoned for.

Trotsky quickly called Stalin’s regime a totalitarian regime, and soon enough in 1927 Stalin exiled Trotsky from the Communist party he had built!

Trotsky went to Mexico where he was eventually murdered with an ice pick by a Stalinist. Back home in Russia Stalin cropped Trotsky out of all of the former pictures that included the two of them!

Oh how America wept during these dark days! And sure Ariana Grande made some stellar breakup songs such as “thank u, next” and “break up with your girlfriend i’m bored.”

But while exiled in Mexico Trotsky wrote some of the best breakup jams of all time.

Tell me you don’t think of your first breakup every time you hear History of The Russian Revolution.

I know that no matter how many times I’ve heard The Revolution Betrayed it’s still my go to anthem for when I’m going through some boy troubles and feeling a little bit moody.

October is coming for you too Ariana Grande, and that’s the tea sis.