Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog:

Start with simple commands like “sit” before working your way up to the more complicated ones like “fill the gaping void in my life.”



Remember that consistently good behavior will take time. You’re letting a fucking animal loose in your house.



Set a good example for your dog by never chasing after squirrels, no matter how badly you want to.



It’s important to establish dominance. Show your dog who’s boss by cleaning up its waste and paying for all its food.



Consistency is key. Remember to use the same expletive every time your dog chews up your shoes.



Dogs crave clear direction, so be sure to schedule yours for quarterly performance reviews.



Remain patient during training sessions with your dog, as English is not its first language.



Rather than simply saying “no” to your pet, engage it in a constructive dialogue about the moralistic implications of the undesired behavior.