PALO ALTO, CA—A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at Stanford University affirmed that everyone you’ve ever had a crush on in your entire life also secretly had a deep crush on you, they continue to hold these strong, unreconciled feelings, and they are out there right now, just waiting for you to get in touch with them.


According to the study, which analyzed the behavioral patterns and personal histories of both you and anyone you’ve been attracted to at any point in your life, every human being you’ve ever daydreamed about being with—from your grade school crush, to that upperclassman in your college English class, to your old coworker—has quietly shared the same feelings, which they still have to this day, and are willing to drop everything on a moment’s notice for the chance at spending the rest of their life with you.

“In 100 percent of the cases that we analyzed, each person you’ve ever been romantically attracted to, including your next-door neighbor who moved away when you were 12 and the R.A. from your freshman dorm, admitted they have been unable to get you out of their minds ever since the moment you first saw each other,” said psychologist Brendan Taylor, the report’s lead author. “These findings suggest that even that one popular classmate, the one you were sure didn’t even know your name, thought about you every day of the school year, continues to think about you, and is most likely looking longingly at your yearbook picture right now.”


“Our analysis also revealed that not one of your crushes has ever been able to move on romantically since meeting you; in fact, each one is entirely incapable of sustaining a loving and fulfilling relationship with anyone else because they are unable to imagine a future with anyone but you,” Taylor added. “Indeed, each one of your past and current crushes has been saving themselves for you and you alone.”

Additionally, the report confirmed that the cute employee at the local coffee shop whom you have been too shy to talk to is always daydreaming about a relationship with you and repeatedly wonders where you are on days that you don’t visit the café. The study also indicated that the cute European passenger you smiled at on that train when you were traveling abroad still fantasizes about the passionate, unrestrained romance the two of you would have shared had you only introduced yourself.


Furthermore, the study proved that that one summer camp counselor, your close friend’s older sibling, the student teacher from your 11th-grade history class, that jogger whom you often see running in your neighborhood, your old physics lab partner, and the foreign exchange student who attended your high school for a semester all take great pleasure in imagining a life together with you.

“Our research also suggests that all it would take to begin a fulfilling and lasting romantic partnership with any one of your crushes is a simple Facebook message or text,” said Taylor, confirming that several of your current colleagues, your friend’s romantic partner, and dozens of other individuals with whom you were once infatuated are all currently and eagerly waiting for you to make the first move. “Right this very second, you could simply call up any one of these former and current crushes and begin an intensely gratifying lifelong relationship. We can say with certainty that each of these people have been waiting for you—aching for you every waking moment—this entire time. And they have no other wish than for you to make their fantasies a reality by expressing your own infatuation. In fact, nothing would give them greater pleasure.”


“A life of bliss with anyone you’ve ever felt attracted to is only a call or email away,” Taylor added. “The question isn’t whether they desire you, but whether you have what it takes to contact them and make that perfect life a reality.”