Recent reports have indicated that Manchester United are heavily linked with every fucking player you've ever heard of.

Pick a player. Any player from any league in men's football. Thought of one yet? Good. He's been linked with a move to Manchester in the next transfer window.

How do we know? A source told a writer for a French magazine you've never heard of, The Sun picked it up and now Talksport and the Daily Mail and every other fiction-spewing publication on the planet has confirmed it's a done deal.

That world class Real Madrid striker? Yep. That creative midfielder who's been at one club since he was in nappies and has never looked like leaving? You know it. Even that obscure League One youngster you only know because you scouted him in FIFA's Career Mode? Of course he is.

Messi. Van Dijk. Mbappe. Cristiano Ronaldo again. Even fucking Pelé. They're all off to United and you heard it here first. You're welcome.