Posted on November 27, 2005 in Uncategorized

As a man, I am sometimes given to thinking purely in the interests of my genitals. It is an inherent affliction that is sometimes friend and sometimes foe. However, when such interests are impeded, I may go to great lengths to see them prevail.

I am, to say the least, not a devout Christian, nor am I any variety of Christian. But that fact does not extend prejudices upon my fancies. I am often times intrigued by the gentile vixen. However, any advances I might choose to take could conceivably be thwarted by the widely held Christian dogma that claims that premarital relations are sinful.

I have often found that when Christianity and logic are at odds, there can be some reconciliation through interpretation. Because I found abstention to be illogical, I sought out the passages of the bible that are cited when justifying the Christian position on premaritals hoping to find room for interpretation. To my, and my lesser compadre’s, delight I found much room for interpretation.

I mainly discovered passages that describe what will happen if one is “Sexually Immoral”- burning in a fiery lake of sulfur and all of that tralala. “Sexual Immorality” is without a doubt not acceptable biblically speaking; however, the bible never really defines what “Sexual Immorality” is. In fact the only time “sexual immorality” is even mentioned in relation to marriage is in Hebrews, chapter 13, verse 4 when it says “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” But again, what does sexually immoral mean? Does it mean the rape of a spouse? Does it mean bringing a third party into bed? Does it mean giving ones spouse a Dirty Sanchez? I don’t know and neither do you, because the bible doesn’t specify and neither of us are god.

In the book of Corinthians there are some possibly more legitimate passages pertaining to the immorality of pre-marital sex. The first is in chapter 7, verse 8, where the apostle Paul says, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” This passage only says that if a woman cannot remain celibate, then it is better for her to marry. It doesn’t say that she must marry. There is no talk of fiery lakes of sulfur following this passage. Also, this is Paul the Apostle talking, not god. So I think this is one of those times the bible is offering guidance rather than putting laws into stone. It was after all written in the days before Trojans (of the prophylactic variety) and Birth Control Pills. Maybe the bible is just saying it sucks to get preggers. And I agree. It sucks to get preggers.

The other often cited passage in Corinthians is in book 7, chapter 1, and goes “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” This passage is similarly spoken by Paul, and similarly a guideline. So while that advice may have been sensable at a time before birth control evolved beyond uteral punching and clothes hangers, it is a bit outdated now.

Passages that are not often referenced when defending abstention can be found in Exodus and Deuteronomy. The reason that they are not often cited is because they’re fucking ridiculous. In Exodus chapter 22, verse 16, it states that “If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the dowry for virgins.” Deuteronomy has almost the exact same passage. So, according to Exodus and Deuteronomy, a man can seduce a girl, with or without her will, as long as he pays her father a dowry and offers to be her husband; should the father refuses, the man has to pay market value on her virginity. Now, how much is virginity going for these days? 15 goats? I probably have to adjust for inflation from the 1300’s. So, that’s 1,050 goats give or take. Sweet.

The Old Testament is riddled with all sorts of surprisingly odd little foibles. Leviticus in, chapter 19, verse 19, instructs us not to wear clothes made of two different fabrics, and, in chapter 14 verse 43 it describes how to remedy Buildings that catch leprosy. So, perhaps this is not the direct word of god. Perhaps this is just a reflection of the standards of society at the time the Bible was written. Remember that in the bible, young women were betrothed to men based on a financial deal and fathers could fetch a better price for their daughters if they were virgins. Also because paternaty tests werent available when the bible was writen, women who were sexually promiscuous would frequently birth babies whose father’s could not be determined. So, perhaps virginity was such a protected status because it was beneficial economically and perhaps “Sexual Morality” refers to loving monogamous relationships rather than ones irrevocably bound by marriage or ones where the woman was “common”.

Now, It should be known that I don’t say these things to challenge people’s faiths. I don’t say these things simply to be heretical. I do not even say these things purely in the interest of sex. I just feel that when 2+2=5, you need to check your math. Faith is a fine thing-even a great thing-but it is sometimes friend and sometimes foe.