05 The Fires of Heaven

Elaida: Fain, I am looking for a new advisor. Tell me your qualifications.

Fain: Well, I am filthy, insane, and evil.

Elaida: You’re hired. Advise me.

Fain: You must become crazier. Look how well it's done for me.

Elaida: Good advice.

---------------

Gareth Bryne: I used to control Andor’s armies. Now I preside over local trials involving

livestock burning. You have killed a man’s livestock. You will work for me. I suddenly

love you.

Siuan: I used to control the White Tower. Now I hide in barns. I agree to work for you.

I must run away. And I suddenly love you.

---------------

Egwene: Rand al’Thor! As an honorary Aes Sedai, you must listen to me!

Rand: I thought you were an honorary Aiel.

Egwene: I’m both. It’s called "Aiel Sedai." It’s when you’re arrogant enough for two

cultures.

---------------

Nynaeve: I’m wearing a green silk dress with slashes of white with snowy white lace in

a floral pattern. It has the faces of cherubs sewn into the sides, and the picture of

deer running gracefully through a wooded stream in the skirt. It shows generous

cleavage.

Elayne: I’m wearing a dark blue silk dress with a pattern of black lace. It has actual

thread-of-gold woven into the bodice, telling the story of my childhood, including the

part when I skinned my knee trying to climb a leatherleaf tree in Master Hanson’s

orchard. It shows generous cleavage.

Nynaeve: I miss good, stout Two Rivers woolens.

Elayne: Maybe you could by some wool dresses.

Nynaeve: I’m far too important for that, according to my estimation of myself. Since

we’re keeping only the bare essentials on our mission to save the world, how many

dresses have we packed in our wagon?

Elayne: Five hundred and eighty-four.

-------------

Rand: Too bad no one killed Couladin when we had the chance.

Rhuarc: That would violate ji’e’toh.

Rand: ji’e’toh restricts you from stopping madmen warlords?

Rhuarc: Yes. The rule is madmen warlords can try to kill you, and everyone near you,

and everyone else who isn’t near you, and everyone they know, and everyone they

thought was looking at them funny.

Rand: What does ji’e’toh let me do?

Rhuarc: You can mutter under your breath.

Rand: Shaido dogs.

Rhuarc: Now you’re getting it.

-------------

Melaine: Sorilea, you must help me marry Bael.

Sorilea: I will give you the Offer Dagger, which you will use to stab him in the shoulder

as a sign of your love.

Melaine: I hope he will club me with the Acceptance Club, which will show his

acceptance of my offer.

Sorilea: Then you will whip him with the Joy Whip, which will show your joy,

Melaine: And he will pelt me with the Honeymoon Pebbles.

Sorilea: And eventually, you will attack him with the Childbirth Spear.

Melaine: Then we will all beat ourselves with the Moron Bat.

---------------

Thom: Are you sure you don’t need help this time?

Nynaeve: How dare you insult us! We aren’t fools!

Ronde Macura: Drink this, fools.

Nynaeve: Ah, nice, delicious fool tea.

----------------

Elayne: I can walk the highwire without the help of the Power, because I am the

Daughter-Heir.

Nynaeve: I didn’t know Daughter-Heirs knew how to walk highwires.

Elayne: It’s an old tradition, dating back to when Andor was founded by a trapeze

artist.

---------------

Faile: Okay, lower that beam! And make sure there’s room in our ballroom for a third

couch. And I want that well in our back yard finished in time for dinner. And lift the

chandelier to at least two spans above the dining hall. And make sure the giant

wolfhead banner over the mantel is the right shade of red. I hate when people use the

dark, rust red color. It needs to be ruby red. And the balcony over the sun porch

needs to be painted pine green!

Perrin: Are you sure we need such a huge mansion?

Faile: Quiet. You aren’t even in this book.

----------------

Rand: If only there were some way to skim ahead of Couladin. Like a Talent. Like a

Skimming Talent that I might have already rediscovered back at The Golden Bowl. That

I might use to move an army to rescue Caemlyn, but probably not Cairhien. Or even

some sa’angreal that I might have already used to protect Tear, but probably not

Cairhien. Oh, well, I guess thousands must die. In Cairhien.

---------------

Aviendha: Rand al’Thor, you gave me a bracelet that was to make me like you, and

stop hating you. But all the Maidens thought it was because you loved me, and I loved

you. Which you do, and I do. But it’s supposed to be a secret, which makes me mad.

And I am mad that you thought that a nice gift would make me like you, and I am mad

that wearing the gift makes it look like I accept your love, even though I really would if

you offered, which you haven’t, and won’t until I admit my true feelings, which I won’t.

Even though I say I would hate it if you tried to love me, I actually am lying, and want

desperately for you to admit your feelings to me. So here is a gift of a heron-mark

sword. I hope this can successfully heighten the sexual tension between us.

Rand: Uh, thanks for the sword.

Aviendha: Men are so complicated.

--------------

Moiraine: Rand, I cannot advise you forever. Some day I may die. Some day I will die.

Someday, I will die protecting you from Lanfear in Cairhien.

Rand: What was that last part?

Moiraine: Uh, the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. In Cairhien.

---------------

Nynaeve: When I think of Lan, I want to wear low-cut dresses.

Elayne: Yes, when I think of Rand, I want to wear low-cut dresses.

Nynaeve: Yes, men make women want to get naked.

Elayne: Yes, that’s how women show love. We get naked and walk around.

Nynaeve: When I get married, I’m throwing away all of my clothes, and just wearing

my braid.

Nynaeve: We have bonded. You are my best friend.

Elayne: You are my best friend. You and Egwene, and Aviendha, and Min. You are all

my best friend.

Elayne: You’re crowding me in this little wagon.

Nynaeve: I hate you.

Elayne: I hate you.

Nynaeve: I hate you and Lan, and Thom, and Juilin, and Valan Luca, and that man

selling apples that leered at me the other day. You are all my worst enemies.

Elayne: I hate you and Rand and my mother, and Galad, and that pretty boy in

Tanchico who got me drunk. You are all my worst enemies.

Nynaeve: I’m such a coward. I love you like a sister.

Elayne: You are not a coward. You are brave. I love you like a sister. You and Egwene,

and Aviendha, and Min. You are all my sisters. And that one girl who gave me an extra

necklace. She is my sister also. And Anaiya Sedai. She is very nice, like a sister. And

my brother Gawyn. He is also my sister.

-------------

Egwene: Being the biggest loudmouth is now my job.

Nynaeve: Can I still have the job of braidpuller?

Egwene: Until I get bored.

---------------

Rand: Weiramon, you are a fool who most likely hates me. You are in charge.

Weiramon: Excellent plan, my liege. Shall I charge at the opposing army?

Rand: No. That’s a corn field.

-------------

Aviendha: I want to sleep with you so badly that I must now run naked through a

blizzard.

Rand: Maybe you don’t have to kill yourself.

Aviendha: No, my honor demands it.

Rand: That seems silly.

Aviendha: You are a wetlander, you wouldn’t understand. When Aiel love someone, our

honor demands we run through blizzards naked.

Rand: What does your honor demand if you only have a small crush on someone?

Aviendha: Then you wear a shift and sit in ice.

Rand: Perhaps you should use the Moron Bat.

Aviendha: Yes, thank you.

-----------------

Selande: Since you have taken Cairhien, I must flirt with you.

Rand: I should simply tell you to go away, but I’d rather terrify you.

Selande: That forces me to become a fake Aiel battle leader.

----------------

Melindra: You could be a great man. Greater than the Dragon Reborn. You could

conquer all the world, and make every nation kneel before you! You could make women

weep, and men gnash their teeth! You could forge the world in the image of the Great

Lord, whom I love!

Mat: What?

Melindra: Nothing. Go Light. Now look over there.

Mat: Okay. Hey, no trying to kill me!

Melindra: Damn. Go Dark.

Mat: Hm. Something she said sounded odd. I must piece it together.

--------------------

Lanfear: You slept with another girl! Now you must die!

Rand: I cannot hurt a woman. So I must laugh.

Moiraine: While he’s distracting her with his laughing, I will save the day.

Rand: All my laughing at nothing finally paid off.

--------------

Sulin: Why do you hide your crying, Rand al’Thor? We Aiel never hide our crying.

Rand: That’s funny, because I’ve never once seen any of you cry.

Sulin: Sure we do. I stubbed my toe. Boo-hoo.

Rand: You’re faking it. Your culture sounds a lot like you’re just making it up as you go

along.

Sulin: How dare you. You insult us like a Wizard of Oz!

Rand: Now you’re just copying other stories!

Sulin: Silence, Jedi.

----------------

Dobraine: There is a rumor that Morgase is dead. And rumors are always true.

Rand: Yes, rumors are never wrong. I once heard a rumor that a fishkeeper in Aringill

could fit five apples in his mouth.

Dobraine: Must be true; it’s a rumor.

Rand: To the Skimming Mobile!

Dobraine: All that Skimming would have been nice when my city was in trouble.

Rand: What’s that?

Dobraine: Nothing. Skim away. Save Caemlyn. I’ll just return to the pile of ashes that

was once my house.

-------------------

Rand: So! Rahvin! Lord Gaebril is actually you!

Rahvin: Damn. I was hoping everyone thought I was simple evil Lord Gaebril, and not

evil Forsaken Rahvin.

---------------

Nynaeve: Let’s hope that Tel’aran’rhiod will take us to Rand and Rahvin fighting in the

Royal Palace. Oh. It has.

---------------

Asmodean: You! No!

Rhuarc: Oh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget to wear pants.

__________________

06 Lord of Chaos

Dark Lord: DEMANDRED. HOW FARES THIS WORLD, DEMANDRED.

Demandred: Rahvin is dead, Great Lord.

Dark Lord: DONE BY MY ANCIENT ENEMY. THE ONE CALLED DRAGON.

Demandred: Great Lord, do you mean one currently called Dragon, or another in a

previous Age, who might be a female Dragon, or barring that, a female substitute

Dragon? I refuse to believe that a female Dragon couldn’t exist…

Dark Lord: DEMANDRED, I’VE TOLD YOU TO STOP PERPETUATING THAT STUPID

THEORY.

Demandred: Sorry, Great Lord. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Dark Lord: So, tell, me Demandred….Damn, my amp…it’s lost power.

Demandred: I’ll plug it back in, Great Lord. How about now?

Dark Lord: SO tell ME Demandred….NOW it’s SWITCHING back AND forth. THAT’S no

GOOD…

Demandred: How about now?

Dark Lord: Was ist los? Ich kann nicht normal sprechen. Ich spreche wie ein

verrueckter Mensch.

Demandred: How about now?

Dark Lord:

ImspeakingtoofasthelpstopmefromspeakingsofastIcantstopthisIcan’tbreathe…

Demandred: How about now?

Dark Lord: 01111001100001100000111111010100110010010.

Demandred: HOW ABOUT NOW. HEY, NOW I’VE GOT THE BIG VOICE.

Dark Lord: Stop that.

Demandred: SORRY, GREAT LORD, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF MY OWN BIG

VOICE. HEY. THIS IS KIND OF COOL. I AM THE GREAT LORD. OBEY ME OR DIE. LET THE

LORD OF CHAOS RULE.

Dark Lord: Do not do impressions of me, Demandred. I am the Great Lord. Those who

do impressions of me will die.

Demandred: EXCEPT FOR ISHAMAEL. BECAUSE HE IS MY FAVORITE FANCY PANTS BOY.

Dark Lord: I’ve never called Ishamael my favorite fancy pants boy.

Demandred: YOU IMPLIED IT. THIS I COMMAND.

Dark Lord: You cannot command me. I command you.

Demandred: BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE BIG VOICE.

Dark Lord: I should have the big voice.

Demandred: BUT YOU DON’T. SHAIDAR HARAN, GET ME SOME LEMONADE.

Shaidar Haran: Yes, Great Lord.

Dark Lord: No! Shaidar Haran, he’s impersonating me! Don’t get him lemonade.

Shadar Haran: But He’s got the big voice, Great Lord. How can I refuse?

Moghedien: Hey, what’s going on?

Demandred: Check out my impression, Moghedien. Ahem. MOGHEDIEN. YOU

DISAPPOINT ME. BUT I WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE TO SERVE THE SHADOW.

YOU MUST CRAWL THROUGH MY MAGICALLY LOWERING TUNNEL WITH THE ROCKS

GRAZNG YOUR HEAD. THEN YOU MUST LEAP THROUGH FLAMING HOOPS, THEN JUGGLE

EIGHT PORCUPINES TO SHOW YOUR LOYALTY TO ME. FROM THIS DAY FORTH, YOU

SHALL BE REBORN AS ‘CUCAMONGA.’ THIS I COMMAND.

Moghedien: Hey, that’s pretty good! Let me try. I AM THE GREAT LORD. I LIVE IN A

BIG FIERY LAVA TOILET. OBEY ME OR PREPARE TO BE FLUSHED DOWN AMONG THE

FLAMES.

Great Lord: Okay, I don’t really sound like that. Shaidar Haran, back me up.

Shaidar Haran: Actually, you do kind of sound like that. And it does look a little like a

big toilet. Here’s your lemonade, Demandred.

Demandred: THANK YOU, SHAIDAR HARAN. YOU PLEASE ME ALMOST AS MUCH AS MY

FANCY PANTS BOY, ISHAMAEL.

Dark Lord: Now I’m getting mad.

Demandred: I AM THE GREAT LORD. I CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT.

Moghedien: Good one.

Demandred: I LIKE TO MAKE BUBBLES OF EVIL. BEWARE THE EVIL PLAYING CARD

FIGURES THAT I MAKE COME TO LIFE. THE THREE INCH TALL AMYRLIN SEAT’S GONNA

GET YOU. SCARY.

Moghedien & Shaidar Haran: [Snickering]

Great Lord: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I WILL NOT TOLERATE….OH, IT’S FIXED. AHEM. HEAR

AND OBEY, WHO WILL LIVE AND WHO WILL DIE. OBEY THE BIG VOICE.

-----------------

Min: I must go sit on Rand’s lap. The Pattern demands it.

------------------

Perrin: I must go sit on Rand’s lap. Er, I mean, I must go to Rand. The Pattern

demands it.

Faile: I KNEW it!!!

-----------------

Taim: Rand al’Thor, I would like to give you the gift of death.

Rand: What was that?

Taim: Rand al’Thor, I would like to give you the gift of the seventh seal that holds the

Dark Lord’s prison. I got it from a farmer.

Rand: A farmer?

Taim: Yes. He got it from space aliens who landed in the cornfield. That’s my story.

Rand: Taim, you must build an army of male channelers.

Taim: I have a violent and questionable past.

Rand: Good. In that case, I will leave you alone with all these trained war machines so

that you and you alone command their loyalty, and you may hire more and more violent

angry men who hate me.

----------------

Nynaeve: When entering Tel’aran’rhiod, you must be very careful.

Carlinya: Child, do not presume to speak to Aes Sedai in such a disagreeable tone.

Nynaeve: Forgive me, Aes Sedai. I spoke out of turn in trying to prevent you from

getting your hair burned off.

Carlinya: Thank you. I do enjoy people showing me proper respect as I have my head

burned. Then they all can say, "All bow to the bald-headed Aes Sedai."

---------------

Elayne: The Embassy from Elaida has arrived. She is a Red sister. She’s cold and scary.

When she looks at you, she might as well be looking at a stone.

Nynaeve: So you’re saying she’s not warm and friendly like all the other Reds?

Elayne: Yes. She’s different.

---------------

Nynaeve: Moghedien, you’re a Forsaken. You are pure evil. I must keep you around

until you escape.

Moghedien: Should be pretty soon now.

Nynaeve: At the very least, I will punish you with a fierce glare.

------------------

Nicola and Areina: Nynaeve, we are mad that you lied about being an Aes Sedai. Feel

the wrath of our glares.

Nynaeve: Oh, yeah? Well, you two can feel the wrath of my glare.

----------------

Delana: Nynaeve, unless you tell me about Rand al’Thor, you will wither under my

terrifying glare.

Nynaeve: Oh, yeah? Well, then you can just feast on the barrage of glares I will throw

your way.

--------------

Tarna Feir: Nynaeve, unless you tell me about Rand al’Thor, you will wither under my

glare.

Nynaeve: I’ve already withered under Delana’s glare.

Tarna Feir: Stop glaring.

-----------------

Theodrin: Nynaeve, I must douse you in water to break your block.

Nynaeve: Then prepare for the glare.

Theodrin: I am impressed. You can glare, pull your braid, and plant your hands on your

hips.

Nynaeve: I’m a triple-threat.

------------

Siuan: Leanne, take this glare! (Not really.)

Leanne: Siuan, take this glare! (Not really.)

-----------

Nynaeve: Stop glaring!

Uno: That’s my eyepatch.

-------------

Sheriam: Siuan, you must not yell at Aes Sedai anymore.

Siuan: I dare to glare.

---------------

Romanda: Sheriam, I am angry that you don’t have any Yellow sisters in your little

circle. Feel the glare.

Sheriam: Your glare causes wear and tear.

------------

Lelaine: Romanda, I will show you who controls the Hall. It’s time for a glare-down!

Romanda: Set your eyes on ‘glare.’

-------------

Rand: I hope Elayne and Nynaeve are doing more than just glaring.

Egwene: Rand al’Thor! Feel my…

Rand: I have to go.

--------------

Peddler: I heard a rumor from a drunken midget, who heard it from listening to a tree,

that Morgase and Elayne are dead.

Gawyn: Rumors are always true. They are both dead. I will have my vengeance.

Jisao: Lord Gawyn, I heard a rumor that eating bark gives you long life.

Gawyn: Fetch me a tree.

------------

Egwene: Rand al’Thor! You are so arrogant! You need to be treated like a boy,

because you act like one!

Rand: You are covered in dust.

Egwene: That’s the sign of a healthy adult. The filthier you are, the better you are at

lecturing others.

--------------

Gawyn: I heard a rumor that Rand al’Thor killed Elayne and Morgase. I will have my

vengeance.

Egwene: Out of love for me, can you delay your killing him until I prove these crazy

rumors are false?

Gawyn. Yes.

Egwene: Okay. Well, I heard a rumor that Rand did NOT kill Morgase.

Gawyn: Well, that proves it.

------------------

Rand: From now on, only two Maidens will guard me when I am in the palace.

Sulin: That may be dangerous.

Rand: What are the odds someone will try to harm me?

-------------

Rand: I’m the Dragon Reborn. How are things going at the farm?

Torval: So you are the Dragon Reborn, eh? We must kill you.

Gedwyn: Kill the Dragon Reborn.

Rochaid: Kill the Dragon Reborn.

Taim: Ah. Heh, heh. They’re kidding, my Lord Dragon. When you train male channelers

in warfare, they make jokes about killing you. Specifically you.

Rand: Keep up the good work. I must get back to my palace, where only two Maidens

guard me, and sometimes not even that.

------------

Bashere: See how my 9,000 Saldaean riders can ride while doing handstands on their

saddles, and bouncing off the ground, and standing on each others’ shoulders.

Rand: Yes, I can see how riding into battle while doing a handstand on your horse

would throw an enemy into panic.

Bashere: You should see the enemy flee when we start breakdancing.

Rand: That would make me flee.

----------------

Rand: I love you. You must go far, far away.

Aviendha: I love you. I must give you stony stares. And glares.

--------------

Bashere: Perrin, I must train you in Saldaean ways. You must yell at your wife like

this… DEIRA!!! PUNCH!!! NOW!!!

Deira: Yes, dear.

Bashere: But only when she wants you to. Sometimes she wants you to be soft and

gentle, like this… I love you, my cuddly little honey-bunny.

Deira: Yes, dear.

Bashere: And sometimes she wants to yell at you, like this….

Deira: DAVRAM!!! MASSAGE MY BACK!!! NOW!!

Bashere: Yes, dear. And sometimes she wants to be soft and gentle with you, like

this…

Deira: I will perch on your shoulder, my big, strong rock of a husband.

Bashere: So you see, it’s not that hard. Do you know anything about babbling women

who don’t know what they want?

Perrin: Well, I grew up in the Two Rivers.

Bashere: Oh, you’ll be fine. But if you do get anything wrong, I will kill you.

------------------

Faeldrin: I heard a rumor that Rand al’Thor had his Aiel attack one of us.

Merana: Rumors are always true. Prepare to glare.

Faeldrin: Rumors has it that eating bark give you long life. Should I get you a tree, as

well?

Merana: Just a small log.

---------------

Rand: I have forbidden anyone from my army of over one million people to guard me.

Galina: What makes you think you should refuse protection, even when it is offered?

Rand: I grew up with Nynaeve and Egwene.

Galina: Ah, the masters.

Rand: So do I get into a room, or a box?

Galina: A box.

Rand: Nynaeve and Egwene told me when you are imprisoned due to your own

stupidity, you are put in a jail cell or a room with a bed.

Galina: When you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, there is a wide variety of

places you can be put.

----------------

Romanda: Who comes before the Hall?

Egwene: [Baring chest.] I am a woman.

Sheriam: [Baring chest] I am a woman.

Anaiya: [Baring chest.] I am a woman.

Uno: [Baring chest] I am a woman.

----------------

Kiruna: I am regal queen-type.

Bera: I am a plain, strong, farmwife type. Together, we rub people everywhere the

wrong way.

--------------------

Elayne: I’ve heard a rumor that Rand keeps the Lion Throne as a trophy. Rumors are

always true. How DARE he. I am the ruler of Andor, from three thousand miles away,

once I travel even further south, and then back north, and then get the forty-two

houses on Andor to support me.

Egwene: Bark?

Elayne: Thanks. Delicious.

----------------

Mat: I’m here to rescue you, again.

Nynaeve: Mat, you have a lot of nerve. I must kick you in the bottom.

Elayne: That’s wrong and hilarious.

Egwene: Yes, it is. Now kick Mat off with you to Ebou Dar.

Mat: But I’m supposed to bring Elayne to Caemlyn.

Elayne: No one ‘brings’ me anywhere! I am….

Mat, Egwene, and Nynaeve: The Daughter-Heir, we know.

----------------

Mat: How am I supposed to help the girls if they insist on putting themselves in

danger?

Thom: Heed the advice of the old wise man. Sometimes women insist on getting

themselves hurt, and all you can do is help them.

Mat: Help them hurt themselves. Good plan.

---------------

Elayne: You must show me that ter’angreal. You are my subject.

Mat: If you aren’t Queen of Andor yet, how can I be your subject?

Elayne: Uh, yes. Well, you are my spiritual subject. In spirit, I rule you.

Mat: How so?

Elayne: I can do over one hundred chin-ups. That is, I can lift my own body using my

chin one hundred times.

Mat: Prove it.

Elayne: Okay. One…. Two… Three…

Mat: Keep it up, you’re doing great. Okay, men, let’s go.

-----------

Taim: My Lord Dragon, we have rescued you.

Gedwyn: Kill the Dragon.

Taim: Not yet, you idiot.

Gawyn: I will see you dead, al’Thor. Right after your men let me go.

Kiruna: Ah, young al’Thor. We, the haughty queen-like Aes Sedai, and the haughty

farmwife Aes Sedai, shall help you since you clearly need someone to hold your hand…

Taim: Kneel to the Lord Dragon. Or you will be knelt.

Rand: Ah. All I had to do was become the most powerful warlord on Earth to get a

woman to stop nagging me.

------------

Demandred: Have I not done well, Great Lord?

Dark Lord: YOU HAVE DONE WELL, DEMANDRED. MY BIG VOICE SYSTEM WORKS GREAT.

CHECK ONE, CHECK TWO. TEST. TEST. YOU WILL NOT BE NAE’BLIS. TEST. TEST.

__________________

07 A Crown of Swords

Tylin: In Ebou Dar, custom says that to show honesty, women get half-naked.

Elayne: Well, I don’t want to be rude. Half-naked it is.

Nynaeve: Yes, it’s fine with me. I’ll just think about Lan.

Tylin: Nothing like being half-naked to help you discuss high politics.

Elayne: It’s also good for raising Amyrlins.

Tylin: Custom also dictates that to show trustworthiness, you cluck like a chicken.

Elayne: Thank you. Cluck, cluck.

Nynaeve: This city has odd customs. Woof, woof.

Elayne: No, Nynaeve, woofing is a White Tower custom. Cluck, cluck.

Uno: [Baring chest.] I am a woman.

---------------

Elaida: I must spend most of the White Tower’s resources on building a huge palace for

me that will be even taller that the White Tower. It will be called The Taller Tower.

Alviarin: I use my intelligence to do evil.

Elaida: I use my stupidity to do evil. We’re a team!

------------------

White Tower Aes Sedai: We don’t like the looks of those Salidar Aes Sedai.

Salidar Aes Sedai: We don’t like the looks of those White Tower Aes Sedai.

Cairheinin: We don’t like the looks of those Aiel.

Aiel: We don’t like the looks of those treekillers.

Two Rivers men: We don’t like the looks of those Asha’man.

Asha’man: We don’t like the looks of anyone.

Perrin: My super powers tell me that all these people glaring at each other, fingering

their weapons do not like each other. My super-strong nose tells me. My super-weak

brain doesn’t.

------------

Rand: My rescue party is about to kill each other. There are thousands of people that

all hate each other, all following me. Wish I could help. On to more important things: I

must memorize each and every woman who dies for me. There’s Braida. [Sigh.] She

had such nice braids. There’s Talla. [Sigh.] She was taller than most men. There’s

Lentila. [Sigh.] She made wonderful lentil soup. And now, it is time for a song about

the dead women who have served me…

Sorilea: Maybe letting the Maidens fight wasn’t such a great idea.

-------------

Rand: We must take back Cairhein as quickly as possible. Ride slowly toward Cairhein.

Dobraine: Like this?

Rand: Slower.

Dobraine: How about like this?

Rand: Too fast.

Dobraine: How about now?

Rand: Oh, just ride backwards.

-----------------

Perrin: Faile, are you okay?

Faile: Smell my spiky-jealousy-mixed-with-hurt scent.

Perrin: Smell my sick-of-your-stupid-scents scent.

Faile: Now we’re getting somewhere.

--------------

Min: Rand, Perrin must be around you to save your life twice. Once was Dumai’s Wells,

but there obviously must be a second time. My viewings never fail.

Rand: Send him to Ghealdan. I like to live on the edge.

Min: The edge of danger?

Rand: The edge of stupidity.

-------------

Birgitte: Mat thinks it’s bad that you mistreated him when he rescued you in the Stone

of Tear

Aviendha: Near-sister, you should apologize to him. In my country, we call it "rude."

Elayne: In my country, we call it "regal."

Aviendha: Near-sister, in my country, when someone risks their life to save yours, you

do not punish them.

Elayne: You have strange ways.

Aviendha: Near-sister, I think you have toh. I once nearly ripped off Rand al’Thor's

head for asking me if he had toh. You cannot be told you have toh; you just know.

Being told you have toh shames you further.

Elayne: Do I have toh?

Aviendha: Yes. Now you are shamed even further.

Elayne: I don’t think I have toh.

Aviendha: No, you do. And even more shame is heaped upon you.

Elayne: Are you sure?

Aviendha: Absolutely. And shame for you again.

Elayne: Maybe I can have a shame box, to hold all my shame.

Aviendha: Or a dumpster.

--------------

Dark Lord: SO, MOGHEDIEN. DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE FUNNY IMPRESSIONS OF ME.

Moghedien: Ah, heh, heh, Great Lord. That was actually Demandred’s idea. I don’t

really like doing impressions.

Dark Lord: OH, NO, MOGHEDIEN. I THINK YOU LOVE DOING IMPRESSIONS. NOW YOU

CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF A BEETLE AS YOU CRAWL BEFORE ME. THEN YOU CAN DO

AN IMPRESSION OF A PUPPET AS MORIDIN CONTROLS YOU WITH A MINDTRAP.

Moghedien: That seems like a hard life.

Dark Lord: WELL, AT LEAST YOU’RE NOT FLOATING IN THE GIANT FIERY TOILET.

----------------

Tylin: This knife to your throat will stop your struggling. It will also peel off your

clothes, duckling.

Mat: Elayne thinks this is my just desserts for what I do to women.

Tylin: I never knew you used knives on women.

Mat: Neither did I. But the important thing is that Elayne thinks it’s my just desserts.

Tylin: Does Elayne think you starve women into submission?

Mat: I’ll have to check. Probably.

Tylin: Then prepare for more just desserts. Without the actual dessert, of course.

--------------

Elayne: Mat, Aviendha wants me to apologize to you. So you have my forced apology.

And I vow not to insult you, simple subject.

Nynaeve: Elayne wants me to apologize to you. So you also have my forced apology.

And I vow not to insult you, you lout.

Mat: I love forced apologies mixed with insults at the crack of dawn.

Nynaeve: And we will not put you or ourselves in danger without telling you. Except

when Moghedien is out there, trying to kill me and anyone else near me.

Mat: So how many of my men will Moghedien kill that you will try to hide from me?

Nynaeve: Only two.

--------------

Cadsuane: I have arrived.

Rand: So what?

Cadsuane: You are rude. I have left.

----------------

Min: I have found Harid Fel dead, and then Lady Colavaere dead.

Rand: Then we must comfort each other, naked.

Min: Yes. We must comfort each other, naked.

-----------

Mat: What will we do tonight?

Beslan: Tonight is Swovan Night. Custom says we drink.

Mat: We did that the other night.

Beslan: That was The Festival of Lights. Custom said we would drink.

Mat: How about next week?

Beslan: The Festival of Birds. Custom says we drink.

Mat: The day after that?

Beslan: The Festival of Drinking. Good day to drink. Oh, and I know my mother is

forcing herself on you.

Mat: Custom says I must drink.

-----------------

Elayne: I have found the Bowl of the Winds without Mat’s help!

Aviendha: In my country, that is called "being obnoxious by ignoring someone else who

has helped you."

Elayne: Wow. I have so much to learn about the Aiel, and your "non-rude" ways.

Aviendha: Now say, "Thank you, Mat."

Elayne: "Thank you." These are strange words you are telling me to say. Is this some

spell in The Old Tongue? Have I raised the dead?

Aviendha: You have raised your conscience.

Elayne: My what?

-----------------

Lan: My love for you is burning inside me. Like a block of ice burns.

Nynaeve: Then we must be married by Nesta din Reas, Mistress of the Ships. It’s a

good idea to get married by the leader of a society I know nothing about, that already

hates me.

----------------

Mat: You may need help obtaining the Bowl of the Winds.

Nynaeve: Matrim Cauthon! That is ridiculous! We have never needed help doing

anything! Except escaping those bandits in Cairhein. And getting out of the Stone of

Tear. And escaping Ronde Macura in Amadicia. What are the odds we will need help

this time?

Gholam: Pretty good.

------------

Elayne: Mat, we need you to stand there in front of a panel of Aes Sedai and a group

of Windfinders. Just for no reason. Just to stand there.

Mat: It only took you a week to break your promise not to manipulate me. I assume

you need my ta’veren-ness because you screwed up royally with Nesta din Reas.

Elayne: You are a most observant subject.

Mat: You have to actually be a queen to have subjects.

Elayne: You are a most intelligent subject.

Mat: Nynaeve is also from Andor. Is she your subject?

Elayne: When you are arrogent enough, you rise above being a subject.

----------------

Elayne: We must bring back all these Kinswomen to the White Tower.

Nynave: Many of them are not strong enough to be Aes Sedai. What do you suggest

we do with them?

Elayne: Just think of all the glares and sniffs we could have with them!

Nynaeve: Now you’re making sense. Are we leaving anyone behind?

Elayne: Only Mat.

Nynaeve: Let’s go.

--------------

Rand: I can’t believe I did what I did to you. Through your moans of pleasure, and

cries of "Yes! More!" I could tell you were miserable.

Min: How could you tell?

Rand: Because I have vast knowledge of women.

Min: How have you obtained such great knowledge?

Rand: By running in fear from women, I have mastered them.

------------

Harine: Rand al’Thor, we will give you anything you want.

Rand: Sounds good. Merana, take it from here.

Harine: Merana, we will give you nothing you want.

Merana: Sounds good.

Harine: Have you, a Grey Aes Sedai, ever had a successful negotiation?

Merana: Once, in Caemlyn, I angered The Dragon Reborn for no reason.

Harine: For whom was that successful?

Merana: The Black Ajah.

-------------

Rand: I have handled the Sea Folk. I can do anything. I will now handle the rebels

outside Cairhein.

Min: Last time you were alone, bad things happened.

Rand: What are the odds of me needing help from anyone?

Fain: Pretty good.

--------------

Rand: I can barely stand. Time for me to face Sammael.

Min: This time, you should not be alone.

Rand: I will not be alone. I will have nine thousand breakdancing Saldaeans on

horseback helping me.

-------------

Sammael: Come and get me in Shadar Logoth, if you dare! No one can kill me, fool!

Hahahahahaha…

Mashadar: [Gulp.]

----------

Lord Gregorin: Lord Dragon, you do be the King of Illian.

Rand: Place the deadly crown on my empty head.

__________________

08 The Path of Daggers

Ethenielle: Anyone have any idea what the hell we’re doing?

Easar: No.

Paitar: Nope.

Tenobia: No idea.

Ethenielle: Okay. let’s smear our blood together.

Galina: I am the evilest.

Sevanna: No, I am the evilest.

Therava: No, I am the evilest.

Galina: Oh, let’s just glare at each other.

Sevanna & Therava: Fine.

Faile: Spying is a wife’s work. She must choose the best and brightest people to spy

for her. that’s why I use untrained morons from Tear and Cairhien who think they’re

Aiel.

Perrin: Yes, with them around you, nothing can go wrong.

Edarra: You must kill Masema.

Faeldrin: I agree.

Perrin: I won’t allow it. it’s just not right.

Edarra: Why not?

Perrin: Because I'm a man of honor.

Edarra: But there is a great chance if you DON'T kill Masema, you will allow him to

cause great death.

Perrin: That's a chance worth taking.

Edarra: You just made love to Faile, didn't you?

Perrin: Blood loss to brain too great?

Aviendha: I saw an evil man looking at me from the wall.

Elayne: That means we are sisters.

Nynaeve: I thought Egwene was like a sister to each of you.

Elayne: To me, Egwene was like a White-Tower-training-sister.

Aviendha: Yes, and to me, Egwene was like a Wise-One-training sister.

Nynaeve: And what kind of sisters are you to each other?

Elayne: We are like Ebou-Dar-wandering-around-doing-nothing-then-it’s-a-big-

occasion-when-I-learn-to-apologize sisters.

Elayne: This ride is so horrible for me. The Aes Sedai, Sea Folk, and Kinswomen are all

glaring at each other. Add that to the fact that Rand al'Thor thinks he can GIVE me

Caemlyn just because he killed a Forsaken, and no one suffers as much as I do!

Nynaeve: Yes, I’m sure Rand is hoping the Dark One won’t glare at him during the Final

Battle.

Corine: We have used the Bowl of the Winds. Now we can return it to our ships.

Elayne: Not until the weather is back to normal.

Corine: So we are supposed to wait until three feet of snow covers everything, making

return to our ships impossible?

Elayne: Yes. that’s part of the deal that I just made up.

Elyas: Faile wants you to yell at her.

Perrin: Huh? Elyas: Let me draw you a picture. With lots of pretty bright colors.

Perrin: Me like pictures.

Weiramon: I am here, my Lord Dragon.

Rand: I can’t believe you’re still alive.

Weiramon: Neither can I, Lord of the Morning. My own men seem to hate me.

Rand: Well, since you’re still around, you might as well be in charge of this army.

Weiramon: Yes, He Who Walks With Golden Feet. Shall I order my men to hang that

traitor?

Rand: No. that’s a broom. But you can sweep my tent with it.

Bashere: There are reports of a huge Seanchan army with hundreds of damane

advancing towards Illian. You command over a million soldiers, and hundreds of

Asha'man.

Rand: I will take 5,000 soldiers and eight Asha’man.

Bashere: It should work. With your mediocre planning and surrounding yourself with

those who hate you, once again, you should just barely avoid complete disaster.

Halima: Let me soothe your headaches with my evil fingers.

Egwene: Yes, that will be nice. You know, I was not there in Tanchico when

Moghedien took advantage of Nynaeve and Elayne. I missed a great opportunity to be

made a fool of.

Halima: we’ll have to fix that.

Rand: What are your titles Taim has given you?

Gedwyn: I am the Storm Leader.

Rochaid: I am the Super-Duper Attack Coordinator.

Dashiva: I am the Death to Rand al’Thor Bringer.

Rand: As long as you’re keeping busy.

Cadsuane: We must teach Rand al’Thor to cry again.

Sorilea: We must teach Rand al’Thor to laugh again.

Cadsuane: Do you have any idea what we’re talking about?

Sorilea: I’m drunk.

Cadsuane: Me too.

Egwene: I must have long negotiations with these Andoran nobles and Murandian

nobles.

Siuan: Yes, it’s very important for some reason.

Egwene: Yes, it is. By babbling and being babbled at, I am showing what a shrewd

leader I am becoming.

Siuan: Mother, Lord Bryne needs more black bean stew. it’s his favorite. It makes that

adorable face of his light up like a full moon.

Egwene: Do you love him?

Siuan: I’m not telling. [Giggles like a schoolgirl, and passes note to Leanne.]

Cadsuane: I will sit in this rising pile of snow until you apologize for being rude.

Rand: No, not that. Fine, I’m sorry.

Cadsuane: If you hadn’t given in, I’d have hit myself with a shovel until you did.

Rand: How dignified of you.

Cadsuane: It was rude of you to get angry at me for walking in on you unannounced,

then insulting you, then implying that I would harm you.

Rand: Of course. I should have said "Thank you" for your veiled threats and unveiled

insults.

Cadsuane: You are not accustomed to constant rudeness. When you marry Elayne,

you will be.

Rand: Will she sit in a rising pile of snow?

Cadsuane: When Elayne speaks, there will be a rising pile of something.

Lelaine: Mother, you must listen to my selfish demands.

Romanda: No, Mother, you must listen to my selfish demands.

Egwene: Perhaps I should ignore you both.

Lelaine & Romanda: Light, how did she figure that out? she’s possibly the smartest

Amyrlin ever.

Elayne: we’re still traveling along.

Nynaeve: Yes, we are. This is very important, all this traveling we are doing.

Elayne: Yes it is. Just the other day, one of the Kinswomen turned out to be a

runaway novice. Nothing Rand is dealing with could possibly be as important as this.

Nynaeve: Yes. Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll have to settle an argument about how much

lace one should wear, or who has the handsomest lover.

Alviarin: I will succeed, because being evil never fails.

Galina [Acting as Therava's footstool.]: that’s right. Evil prevails.

Liandrin [Washing Suroth's feet.]: Absolutely. Evil pays off.

Moghedien [Licking bottom of Moridin's boots clean.]: Being evil is always the smartest

path.

Elaida [Obeying commands to beat herself.]: Of course. Evil![Passes out.]

Aginor/Osan'gar: Evil is great. What are the odds of me dying a second time?

Cadsuane: Rand al’Thor must be protected. He must heed my words of wisdom. He

needs me.

Samitsu: What is your master plan to help him?

Cadsuane: I will ignore him and have people bring me tea.

Samitsu: Now, regarding young Master al'Thor!.

Cadsuane: Tea!

Lady Riatin: We are pillow friends.

Random Windfinder: Yes, we are. Lady Riatin: Any idea what "pillow friends" are, or

what plot function we serve?

Random Windfinder: No.

Lady Riatin: Then it’s best we hide in this room.

Perrin: You are summoned to see the Lord Dragon.

Masema: Fine. But only if there’s no One Power involved.

Perrin: Why not?

Masema: Because I’m crazy.

Perrin: that’s good enough for me. let’s start walking.

Faile: we’re under attack! Cha Faile! Prepare to defend yourselves, like the fierce quasi

-Aiel you are!

Selande: I shot my foot.

Rand: I’m still alive.

Taim: Damn. I mean, good.

Rand: Some Asha’man tried to kill me.

Taim: Yes, Rochaid, Gedwyn, and Kisman. [Holds up map of Sun Palace, entitled "Plan

to Kill Rand al'Thor, by Mazrim Taim." Uses a pointer.] According to this plan, I see that

at exactly quarter to Third Hour, Rochaid, Gedwyn, and Kisman convened at your wing

of the Sun Palace, called "Point A." They tried to kill you and failed, then used the

escape route, which I have highlighted in red, to one of the main courtyards, labeled

"Point B," to report to each other. Then they reported their failure to me here, in the

Gardens, at "Point C" on the map, I drew myself extra large, and gave myself a flowing

black cape, to emphasize my power.

Rand: don’t forget that Dashiva tried to kill me, also.

Taim: Dashiva? that’s odd. he’s a Forsaken. He should be much smarter than that.

Rand: I know. Well, back to your assassin factory.

__________________

09 winter's heart

Seiera: We have discovered the Black Ajah.

Pevara: Yes, we must proceed carefully and slowly.

Yukiri: Very slowly.

Saerin: And very carefully.

Pevara: And then maybe we won’t have to do anything until the Black Ajah kills us all.

-----------

Elayne: I must hire mercenaries for the Royal Guard, or the people will think I cannot

control the city, and they will rebel.

Dyelin: The Aiel in the city would have controlled the city for you before you sent

them away.

Elayne: But Aiel are foreigners. The people hate foreigners, and would have rebelled.

Dyelin: Most mercenaries are foreigners.

Elayne: But they are MY foreigners. And I must hire all women to be in my personal

bodyguard. Women with special breast-shaped armor.

Dyelin: Because you’re an idiot, and if the people think that you are smarter than they

are, they will feel threatened and get angry and rebel?

Elayne: Precisely.

-------------

Elayne: My raised chin will teach you some manners.

Taim: My folded arms will deflect your raised chin.

Elayne: My icy stare will fend off your folded arms.

Taim: My arrogant half-smile will defuse your icy stare.

Elayne: My turned back will rebuff your half-smile.

Taim: My veiled threats will turn back your turned back.

Elayne: My girlish giggling will parry your veiled threats. Tee-hee.

Birgitte & Dyelin: Tee-hee.

Taim: You bore me.

Elayne: it’s working.

------------

Nadere: You must enter the sister ceremony by getting fully naked. That is the Aiel

way. It is a sacred, ancient tradition.

Elayne: The Aiel way seems a lot like the Aes Sedai way, and the Ebou Dar way, and

the Sea Folk way.

Nadere: Naked women are powerful.

Taim: Yes, they are. Now show your power.

Elayne: I know it’s a sacred, ancient tradition, but I’m Elayne.

Nadere: Then wear this cloak.

Amys: Abracadabra. You two are now sisters.

Elayne: Light, I have found my sister!

Aviendha: We really are bored.

Taim: I’m not.

------------

Reene Harfor: I would like Halwin Norry the accountant to become my brother. Amys:

Get naked. Abracadabra. Brother and sister.

-------------

Flinn: I would like Eben Hopwill to become my son.

Amys: Naked. Abracadabra. Father and son.

-------------

Loial: I would like this plant to become my own plant.

Amys: Naked. Abracadabra. Ogier and plant.

------------

Elyas: Something tells me this Prophet is insane.

Perrin: Yes. Something about putting two and two together tells me I get four.

Elyas: Yes, I never trusted two and two. Bloody numbers.

------------

Berelain: You were frozen, so I helped you by taking off your clothes and putting you

in my tent.

Perrin: You have a unique way of helping people. I feel strangely satisfied.

Berelain: Oh, I helped myself too. Abracadabra.

------------

Masema: Your ta'veren-ness has forced me to accept Traveling to find your wife.

Perrin: Strange that yesterday, my Ta’veren-ness couldn’t force you to accept

Traveling to join the Dragon Reborn.

Masema: Must have been switched off.

-------------

Cadsuane: I must ignore the Dragon Reborn.

Sorilea: Why are you ignoring him?

Cadsuane: Because he threatened me when I threatened him.

Sorilea: How will you ignore him?

Cadsuane: By following him around.

Sorilea: Following him around is a strange way to ignore him.

Cadsuane: By always being around him, I will make him truly see how much I am

ignoring him. I will stand next to him, but then I will turn my head the other way. Or if

he says, "Hey, Cadsuane," I will say, "Was that the wind?" That will teach him

whatever it is I am trying to teach him.

Sorilea: You have no idea what you are doing, do you?

Cadsuane: No, but that will not stop me from acting important.

Sorilea: Perhaps you should make up a plan.

Cadsuane: Okay. My plan is to use my ignoring of him to teach him to laugh, and then

teach him to cry.

Sorilea: How will you do this?

Cadsuane: With my back turned to him, I will crack a couple of jokes, and then back-

kick him in the shin.

-------------

Birgitte: You almost got yourself killed by leaving me behind again, when you wandered

around the streets alone. You need protection.

Elayne: How dare you. I’ve never needed protection, except for trapped by Liandrin at

Falme, the bandits in Cairhien, the Black Ajah in Tear, Moghedien in Tanchico, Ronde

Macura in Amadicia, and the gholam in Ebou Dar. Now don’t give me any bodyguards.

Daved Hanlon: Need help with your latest attackers, my lady?

Elayne: Certainly. And how may I reward you?

Daved Hanlon: Let me have ample chances to assassinate you.

Elayne: Certainly.

-------------

Elayne: Rand, I love you. Now get me naked.

Rand: shouldn’t there be some romance or spontaneity in this?

Elayne: No.

Amys: Get naked. Abracadabra. Dragon and eighteen-year old unwed mother.

------------

Nynaeve: So how is your neverending march to Tar Valon?

Egwene: Great. we’re actually marching in place, so we’ll never get there. Nynaeve:

That's good. For a second, I thought one of us women was actually going to DO

something.

Egwene: Now you’re being as wool-headed as a man!

Nynaeve: I know. It must be marriage. Well, I’m off to being turned upside-down by

Windfinders.

--------------

Thom: You have a week to leave town. How is your neverending evacuation going?

Mat: Great. I’m actually creating more impossible work for myself to do, which will help

delay my leaving, and probably help get me caught.

Thom: Good. For a second, I thought one of us men was going to DO something.

Mat: No. I’ve learned to be as wool-headed as the women. Well, I’m off to help rescue

seven strangers using some dresses and a smile.

----------------------------

Rochaid: You are as foolish as a newborn puppy.

Rand: You are as dead as a man with my fist in his throat.

-----------------------------

Lan: Nynaeve has sacrificed herself for you. Rand: How? Lan: To be near you, she lets

Cadsuane call her "Accepted." Rand: That sounds horrible. Maybe next time, she can

be the one who takes a never-healing, near-mortal wound, and I can be called

"Accepted." Lan: I don’t know if you could take the pain.

------------

Min: Fain challenges you to a fight.

Rand: I will be there. A trap isn’t a trap, if you know it’s a trap.

Min: Like a chair isn’t a chair, if you know it’s a chair?

Rand: Exactly. Min: So what are you sitting on?

Rand: Not a chair.

Min: Because you know it’s a chair?

Rand: Exactly.

Min: Then you are not an idiot.

------------

Fain: This time, we shall finish it, al'Thor!

Rand: Yes, we shall, my mortal enemy.

Fain: Only one man shall survive.

Rand: Prepare to be locked in a deadly dance.

Fain: Of death. [THEY FIGHT.]

Rand: Good fight. See you later.

Fain: You too. [THEY RUN.]

Lan: didn’t we have a safe exit plan, involving climbing down to lower buildings?

Rand: A safe exit plan isn’t a safe exit plan, if you know it's . . .

Lan: Oh, shut up.

----------

Elza: The Great Lord will be happy with me if I kill Dashiva. He couldn’t be anyone

important.

Dark Lord: ELZA. FACE THE BIG VOICE.

Elza: Damn.

Dark Lord: GET NAKED. ABRACADABRA. YOU ARE A TOAD.

__________________

10 Crossroads of Twilight

Glimmers of a Plot:

Yukiri: We are hot on the trail of the Black Ajah.

Seaine: Yes. Soon we will be able to do something.

Yukiri: Unless they do something first.

Seaine: Yes, unless they do something first.

Yukiri: Yes.

Seaine: Yes.

-----------------

Rodel: I am The Wolf. I am a great general.

One-Eyed Sidekick #3: Yes, my Lord.

Rodel: I have a plan. Soon we will do something.

One-Eyed Sidekick #3: Unless someone else does something first.

Rodel: Yes.

One-Eyed Sidekick #3: Yes.

------------

Egwene: I am forming a plan to deal with Elaida.

Gareth: I could invade Tar Valon.

Egwene: Are you trying to do something?

Gareth: Won’t happen again.

Egwene: Good, now let me return to my nothing.

----------------

Davram: The other Andoran Houses are surrounding Caemlyn.

Bael: They look prepared to do something.

Davram: That’s just what they want you to think.

Deira: I’ve been attacked. Someone did something.

Davram: Who would dare.

Deira: Obviously someone evil.

--------------

Elayne: I am gathering useless Houses to my cause for Andor. I am forming a plan to

do something.

Birgitte: What will you do?

Elayne: Take a bath. Then meet some more people from useless Houses.

Birgitte: That’s stupid.

Elayne: You don’t understand what it is to be a Queen.

Birgitte: I understand what it is to not be an idiot.

Elayne: Exactly. Now pass the Royal Soap.

------------------

Perrin: We can’t catch up to a moving city of Aiel using Travelling.

Elyas: You can’t catch up to a couple hundred thousand people tramping on foot

through snow, when you have the use of Travelling?

Perrin: Well, we’re flying around the globe, hoping to hit them.

Elyas: Perhaps you could order the Asha’man to move your army in smaller spaces.

Perrin: Are you trying to force something to happen?

Elyas: By the Light, I apologize.

Perrin: I forgive you. Now pass the brooding chair.

------------

Aviendha: The Aiel have a magical trick called, “Checking the Baby.”

Elayne: This is the most riveting scene I’ll ever have.

----------------

Faile: It’s very important to describe how painstakingly I hand wash Sevanna’s silk.

Sevanna: Have you been trying to do something?

Faile: Yes.

Sevanna: Tie her up and leave her outside.

------------------

Morgase: I must remember how many times I’ve been captured. Four? Five? I hope I’ve

passed that skill onto my daughter. She needs to learn how to become a Queen.

-----------------

Perrin: There is a trail of Darkhounds dangerously circling my camp. Threatening for

something to happen. Dangerous. Something might happen. Dangerous. Oh, they ran

away. Good. Back to nothing.

----------

Delana: People are talking about talking with Elaida.

Egwene: They are talking about talking with Elaida!

Alanna: How can this be?

Morvrin: Lunacy.

Beonin: We must talk about what their talking about talking means.

Sheriam: As long as we’re not actually DOING something, we should be okay.

Egwene: Good plan. Now let me get back to the nothing that I was working on.

Halima: Headache for your headache?

Egwene: You’re my most trusted friend.

---------------

Mat: It is Time to Be Gone.

Noal: Yes it is.

Mat: As soon as we are ready to leave in an incredibly slow manner, I’ll let you know.

----------------

Rand: You must stop bonding Aes Sedai.

Logain: Why?

Rand: Because you’re making me look lazy.

-----------------

Perrin: The whole world can burn until I get Faile. I vow that I will never rest until I

hold her in my…..

Masema: That town has grain.

Perrin: Time for a grain break.

Everyone: GRAIN BREAK!

---------------------

Rand: Arrange for a truce with the Seanchan.

Davram: Why?

Rand: Because I need more naked time with Min.

------------

Tuon: Toy.

Mat: Tuon.

Noal: I now pronounce you idiot and wife.

------------------

Perrin: I’ve cut off my enemy’s hand. I feel terrible.

Elyas: Why?

Perrin: I’ve just done something!

Elyas: What will you do?

Perrin: Throw away my axe so it can never happen again. From now on, I’m carrying a

pillow.

Elyas: If I keep staying around you, I’ll need one.

-------------

Egwene: I’m off to do something.

Siuan: What?

Egwene: None of your business. Now, if memory serves, I gently ease my foot into the

trap like this.

--------------

Bashere: The Seanchan want you to meet their leader – The Fake Princess.

Rand: To Be Continued.

Bashere: What?

Rand: Nothing, I just thought it would sound good if I said that.

__________________

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,

Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be

That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)