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Researchers posit the existence of a mysterious “Gen Z”: humans born after the astoundingly recent year of 1997, who nevertheless are now beginning to insinuate themselves into adult workplaces. What should you do if you meet one of these children?


If you, like me, are a busy middle-aged executive, you turn to the Wall Street Journal to explain the nuances of youths that you may encounter at the store or in jail. A bit of math tells us that the oldest members of “Gen Z” are only 21. Yet it is technically possible that they may have jobs—even in your own office. Look at the new intern, or the new floor-scrubber, or chimneysweep. They may in fact be a card-carrying member of this distant generation. If you’re going to be dealing with them, it is important to gain a deep understanding of their psyche, so that you may have information to use against them in the generational battle for our nation’s dwindling economic resources.

Data shows these kids are more money-driven than ever, and less interested in sex, drinking, and “partying” that we were. Too bad for them—when I was that age, [tedious monologue].


Millennials. Remember them? Thought they were hot shit for a minute. Fortunately their time is over. They’re now just 30somethings, no longer young enough to be sex fantasies yet not old enough to be wealthy middle managers. A big nothing. Ha. Gen Z, the WSJ reports, is so scarred by the great recession and student debt that they are desperate for financial security and will do anything to achieve it. Perfect.

Depressed, nerdy and virginal, addicted to smartphones and terrified of being ruined by any macroeconomic fluctuation, this generation of young strivers is ready to be molded into a millions-strong work force that will do anything and everything our corporation demands in order to achieve the job security they so desperately crave. Sacrificing sleep, sex, and social interactions, this army of 21-year-olds will happily perform the most menial and meaningless tasks of global business, as long as such tasks are located in an office, with a chair and title suitable for LinkedIn. So welcome to the workplace, my young Gen Z friends. Your title is Assistant Manager of Bootblack Technology. Your shoeshine booth is over there. It has a phone charger on the side. Your pay is low. Your hours are always. We promise you won’t be laid off. Just keep on “grinding” and one day you’ll make it “all the way up!”

The day after I die.