One thing I learned whilst living in Japan was that there is no love without love hotels. Japanese houses are small, thin as plywood, and property prices are so huge that you often won’t leave home until you’re married with a well-paying job. So… In a society where it’s not even socially acceptable to kiss in public, where can you do all your clam dippin’, begattin’ and sock adjustin’? You certainly don’t want to do it in your parents’ house with them right next to the sliding doors. Well, the answer is… you gotta make a trip to a love hotel. 3 Silly Hats have made kink-friendly SimTower-esque simulation game Love Hotel, where you’re a love hotel manager and you have to provide a place for every kind of couple to rut like gymnastic fuckbunnies. And it’s actually flippin’ amazing. I played it all day. Solo.

Nintendo had an adolescent fumble with a few love hotels in Japan in the 60s, before it really knew what it was doing, and lovely developers 3 Silly Hats, some students from Adelaide, Australia, decided that was enough to make their NES game jam game a blocky love hotel sim. It’s brand new, lovely fun, and has extremely loud beepy music you might have to turn down a bit before you get going. If you have a USB NES controller even better! As you can map the buttons to it and have a truly Ninty erotic experience.

You start off with just a two storey shag nest, with only one room and a nice bellhop to escort you for your brief residence in the booty hall. You can buy more storeys up into the air or down into the darkest earth (there’s even some treasure down below) and you can slowly unlock buying more ‘interfacing’ rooms as your star rating goes up. You can inspect clients to see what they want, or what is pissing them off.

As you build more interesting themed rooms more diverse couples will arrive for some x-treme cuddling. When increasing guests arrive, you need more bellhops (time spent at the desk is fucktime wasted), and more cleaners (obviously. Some real damage can be done to your squelch shacks). You can add vending machines for food and condoms (keep hydrated and wrap up those dongs!) and as long as you keep restocking them and the utility cupboards everything will go boinkingly. Later on, you can buy a stocker who will replace all the condoms in the condom machines for you, instead of you relieving it manually.



Here in the top floor you can see (I feel like David Attenborough) the closed door of the Spooning room behind which a nice bearded dude and a lady are perhaps doing the notorious P.I.V, or horizontal tango. Bless ’em. Below that there are two ladies being escorted to the Missionary room. I hope it that is satisfactory for them, because I would like them to come back to my shag shop.

There’s a large selection of hump houses available: the Missionary (your standard room, naturally), the Spoon (medium size), and then super expensive ones like the Tropical (takes over an entire floor but is a giant beach theme and brings in the posh fuckers). Then there’s a balloon themed room, a banana one, one called ‘Heaven’ and you can even put in a room with a chocolate fountain, a spa (hell to clean) and a kitchen and dining room.

The best thing about the game is the cool guests you can get. Build your hotel tall and green people who get off on vertigo called Skylanders will come over to do a midnight organ fight in your lofty interior, build it higher still and astronauts will come and space spelunk. Two posh gentlemen in top hats came in to roger each other on my fake beach. These two lovely lesbians snuck into my utility cupboard for a quick no pants dance. LOOK AT THEM THE CHEEKY FUCKERS.

Make sure you have enough cash coming into your back pocket though, as the electricity bills can be quite high and it’s pretty easy to go nuts spending on new rooms to invite new lovely people along to dock the Enterprise and before you know it you are left with a pants pole and no punt.

Phewf. Wow. Now, RPS, after all those special hugs. Off to have a cigarette. Get IT here for free on Windows, Mac and Linux.