I published my book with this same title in October of 2018. It contains autobiographical coverage of my (former) need to be needed, and probes far more deeply the etiology and pernicious elements of Codependency, and how it undermines us from early childhood onward. The link to purchase it on Amazon or Kindle can be found on my home page.

How often have you heard yourself say, "I'm a giver, not a taker"? Have you experienced discomfort when receiving something from another~ whether it's a gift, a compliment or a kind gesture? Have you ever known what it feels like to be in a reciprocal relationship? If these questions trigger memories of awkward, familiar sensations, it means you were programmed as a small child to believe that receiving vital supplies of attention, affection and emotional support came at a substantial cost to your parent(s). Very young, you learned to accommodate and normalize these painful deficits and started putting the needs of others ahead of your own, because doing otherwise meant you'd have to endure feelings of guilt or shame.

You might identify yourself as a 'rescuer type' personality, but you were not born with this trait. It was cultivated in you from an early age, and it's directly due to faulty relationship dynamics with an impaired parent (or two).

Were you raised in a home where everything you did was closely monitored or controlled? Did you grow up feeling as if you had to be perfect, to please your mother or father? What was the cost to you, if (God forbid) you ever failed to perform well enough for them? Might you have feared the loss of their affection, approval or love?

As you read through this material, you might experience sudden sleepiness or a little sadness. This is a somatic (biological) response in your body, which indicates that a facet of you is relating to various issues being discussed or explained here, and they have very important meaning for you. While you may choose to take a short break, rest assured that there's nothing to fear from these uneasy feelings, and I encourage you to continue.

For the sake of continuity and cohesiveness, you'll get the most value from this information, if you return to the hyperlinks that take you to other pages after you've finished reading this entire piece. Treat it like a self-help book. Give yourself several weeks to absorb this material from start to finish.

ALL LIVING CREATURES HAVE NEEDS~ EVEN YOU!

A fairly large number of clients have reported that throughout their life, their mother commented on what a 'good baby' they'd been; "you never cried" is what they were repeatedly told while growing up. All babies have substantial needs, and they cry to alert their parent to what's required concerning food, diapering, holding/comforting, warmth, etc. If the baby never cries, we must ask why. Did it feel unsafe to express these vital needs? Did we sense we might not survive, if we inconvenienced our mother by having any needs? As this child grows, could he mistakenly presume his utter silence and refusal to have needs, is an admirable and good thing?

None of us grew up being perfectly parented--in fact it's virtually impossible to anticipate that this could even happen. Alas, we are all products of our experiences, which have impacted us to one degree or another, and that's what this piece attempts to address. There will likely be parts of this article that you'll relate to, and other parts you won't--but if any of this material opens a doorway to greater self-awareness, healing might begin for you, your child, parent or spouse~ and that's my objective.

This literature is extraordinarily dense with meaning, and must be absorbed very slowly, to help you understand why your love affairs haven't worked out the way you've wanted them to. It's best that you read no more than a few paragraphs per day--then ask yourself; what's this segment trying to teach me about myself? so that you can learn, and actually benefit from it. With every review of this piece, you will gain deeper understanding of yourself, and be able to emotionally integrate far more of it~ so why stop with only one reading?

When you're a self-proclaimed "giver," it means you were raised in a home where vital and important emotional needs were not acknowledged or adequately responded to, and you've attempted to compensate for this deficit, by becoming a caregiver. Even if you saw that your parents were overburdened in some way, you might have tried to become an 'invisible' child, so as not to place more demand on them, or risk incurring painful repercussion for having any needs of your own.

Perhaps you had a parent who always put the needs of a spouse, neighbor or friend far ahead of their own (and yours), and as this was the example set for you, it's what you've emulated. It's just what 'good people' do~ or so you've been taught.

As a small child, you may have discovered that taking care of another's feelings or needs provided vicarious satisfaction, and a sense of self-worth, empowerment, and well-being or safety. As an adult, whether you've promoted another's dependency on you emotionally, physically or financially, feeling needed has fortified your self-esteem~ but it has also eased abandonment anxiety, which is central to your compulsive giving or 'fixing' behaviors and disappointing or disastrous relationship experiences.

AS THE TWIG IS BENT, SO GROWS THE TREE.

Wounds to one's sense of Self throughout infancy and early childhood, are often referred to as core damage/trauma or narcissistic injury, within the body of this text. In simple terms, having core issues means that the 'hub' of your wheel has been broken or damaged in some manner. When the very center of your being is compromised, all the spokes which emanate from this point will be weak, and susceptible to breaking under any amount of strain or pressure. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence, as it shapes self-worth, and influences how we think about and take care of ourselves, within professional and personal relationships.

A small child has no way of relating to or making sense of the words, "I love you." These words literally mean nothing, if they aren't consistently and simultaneously backed up with parental gestures of affection and warmth, which are congruent with their meaning.

The core damaged child might ask his mom or dad, "do you love me?" The parent's response may be, "of course I do, you're my kid!" but a child who's looking for confirmation that he is loved, is one who cannot actually feel or believe that he is! This adult child will go through life feeling dependent on verbal validation and confirmation from others. From infancy onward, he's lacked vital supplies of affection and praise, from which he would have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was valuable and lovable~ and from that, gained the capacity to self-validate.

Since core trauma results from poor or inadequate parenting from the onset of life, this kind of wounding inhibits a child from feeling lovable or worthy of receiving care, which inevitably causes attachment struggles in adulthood.

Unfortunately, no amount of 'insight' on this topic can mend core issues, for what's needed is solid re-parenting to replace the faulty original template we grew up accepting as 'normal' throughout childhood.

Core injuries are literally maintained as a relationship problem, which requires healing resolution within a corrective, therapeutic relational bond. We cannot resolve core wounding without highly specialized care and guidance, along with the unique opportunity to acquire specific, effective self-worth building tools to heal the child-self that remains in all of us, lifelong.

Standard modalities of treatment (i.e. psychotherapy, analysis, cognitive-behavioral work, etc.) may not dismantle core trauma, for resolution requires healing the Heart that's been damaged in infancy and throughout childhood~ not the head.

THE CLONE CONSPIRACY

Narcissism in parents is the primary cause of psychopathology in our society. The narcissistic parent wants a child who's exactly like him or her~ a carbon copy or clone so to speak. If this kid has different values and personality features than the parent, he's regarded with disappointment and disdain or disapproval, and criticized or punished.

It's challenging for any parent to bond with a child who's unlike him/herself, but the narcissistic mother or father treats it like a sin, and their 'prodigy' grows up never feeling good enough or lovable, just for being himself.

This issue is typically passed along generation to generation, which is why so many talented young people are urged (often against their will) to echo the parent's career choice or take over the family business, even if they have no natural ability in that arena, or passionate desire to follow a parent's path.

Depression in teenagers and young adults is most often due to feeling like they can never live up to a parent's expectations, if they have wishes and dreams that aren't congruent with Father's or Mother's. Hence, pleasing one's parent routinely takes precedence over pleasing oneself, and core issues having to do with this child's diminished sense of worth are cemented.

Sadly, a parent might attach more fully to the child who echoes his/her own more favorable traits~ but reject or criticize a child's less favorable features like depression, inertia or anger for example, that the parent has failed to recognize and accept in him or herself.

The narcissistic parent is insecure. God help the adult child who surpasses his parent's achievements, for this can easily inspire malicious competition from the envious parent toward his/her offspring.

A cloned child gets set-up for feeling damned if he accomplishes, and damned if he fails~ which often catalyzes self-sabotaging behaviors, as it's somewhat easier to accept a parent's dismay or disappointment in our imperfect performance, than to incur his or her resentment and jealousy, if we excel. On a subconscious level, we'd essentially prefer our parent to be 'right' about us, rather than risk becoming empowered and truly well.

This clone issue has far reaching ramifications with respect to our adult relationship choices. It clouds our judgment, in terms of how much criticism and rejection we will accommodate from romantic partners, as this is what feels normal, based on faulty programming we received as kids. No matter how much abusive treatment our partner dishes out, it doesn't hold a candle to how critical and shaming we've learned to be to ourselves!

We believe this lover/spouse is our "soul mate" and a perfect fit for us, because they treat us as dreadfully as we treat our Self. They seem to share our opinion of what we've been programmed since infancy to think we deserve, which feels like a match! Still, we desperately try to change their mind, please them and win their approval and affection as we undoubtedly had to do during childhood, which can exhaust us or make us physically ill~ and literally, cause our premature demise.

Unfortunately, our painful inner torment that's long associated with unresolved childhood entitlement issues ("I'm not worthy or deserving of receiving what I need and want"), regularly inserts itself into our professional life, as well~ and blocks our ability to manifest prosperity and success. This present day obstacle feels agonizing to us, because it confirms every shameful deficit we were programmed to believe about ourselves, as children.

THE PAINFUL INNER CONFLICT OF THE TOO GOOD CHILD

A child who's grown up believing they have to behave perfectly in order to receive attention, affirmation or praise, has acquired a distorted definition of love. For this child, Love means painful longing and yearning for that which cannot be gratified. Thus, this same type of emotional experience is intoxicating in his/her adult attachments, for their present anguish is literally identical to feelings that he/she experienced throughout childhood, which are now interpreted as 'the real deal,' or True Love.

This means, lovers who are capable of reciprocating their care and affection, are rejected out of hand. It's boring and doesn't feel like a fit, because this dynamic doesn't trigger the dramatic inner pain that was consistently associated with loving, as a kid.

Core-damaged children grow into needful adults, but they could fear that if they let themselves love somebody as intensely as they want to, that person will freak out, run off into the night, and abandon them. Their sense of need feels gigantic, and often very painful. It presumes that someone on the receiving end won't be able to handle it--which triggers shame for being "so needy."

This shame makes one want to shut-down/kill off their needs (or control them), which is a defense that has one giving to others, what he/she is starving to receive. It also has them choosing emotionally unavailable partners who reactivate chaotic, painful sensations that reinforce childhood abandonment and/or abuse trauma, and the core shame they've carried lifelong.

Every core injured adult child has to live with the tormenting, inescapable question: "Am I good enough to be loved by you?"

Personality disordered individuals have worked especially hard since childhood, to convince themselves they're lovable. They've honed their talents, abilities and seduction skills to compensate for a shame based inner sense that they're defective, which has resulted from years of inadequate or unwholesome parenting.

Again, e ntitlement issues emanate from poor self-worth, and our inability to feel deserving or worthy of receiving what we need and want. Having healthy self-esteem means that we're equally as comfortable 'getting' as giving. Our desperate, unrelenting quest to gain acceptance and approval from others so that we can feel good about ourselves, is central to compulsive giving, fixing and rescuing behaviors. A lack of Self keeps us trying to fill the hole in our soul at any cost, with unsuitable partners who highlight core insecurities we've retained since we were toddlers.

'Wounded Bird Syndrome' is an intricate relationship problem. It involves our subconscious need to select and remain with someone who's impaired in some manner, and isn't likely to leave us for someone better. It's driven by our deep sense of inadequacy, and accompanying wish to avert abandonment. This poor self-worth issue is implanted in early childhood, by a needy parent who required our comfort and concern for their feelings, but wasn't capable of giving that kind of attention to us.

The act of taking care of another, helps you access emotions like sympathy and compassion for someone else that you've never had opportunity to receive, nor have you permitted yourself to feel these emotions toward yourself without shaming criticism and self-judgment. Displacement of an emotion (like sympathy) onto another when it's a disowned or destroyed feeling inside of you, is called projection.

Maybe you grew up with a depressed mother or father, and you did whatever you could to ease their sadness or cheer them up, with the secret hope that you might eventually get the affection, care and playfulness you required. Perhaps this parent felt over-burdened by their spouse or one of your siblings, who acted-out their painful inner despair by getting into trouble a lot~ and by contrast, you tried to be "the good child."

Your efforts to please, and excel in school mostly went unnoticed and unrewarded, and if your parent eventually became sick and died or they committed suicide, you might have grown up feeling guilty/responsible for not having prevented it, and your Savior Complex was born.

Caregivers are 'easy marks' for individuals with personality disorder features, mostly because they grew up with an impaired parent who was incapable of meeting their needs for bonding. Their inability to recognize, respect or honor their own feelings, instincts and needs leaves them highly susceptible to engaging relationships that lack emotional reciprocity.

THE GRASS ROOTS OF AN INTRICATE, ANCIENT GARDEN

Every child who experiences deficits in nurturant care, attention, encouragement, affection, positive mirroring, etc., from his parent, presumes it's his/her fault, and experiences shame ("I'm not good enough or lovable"). This child grows up with the belief that if he/she tries just a little harder to gain these emotional supplies, they will be forthcoming. Up to a point, this has them efforting to be perfectly helpful and useful~ but acknowledgment and appreciation are never forthcoming. The parent might praise an accomplishment, but does not convey the intrinsic lovability of this child, which reinforces his ideation that he must 'do,' in order to receive acceptance and love.

Some of these kids experience performance fatigue, and give-up trying to get parental acceptance and recognition needs met~ but carry the very same behaviors into their adult associations! Their painful hope that someone, someday will find them worthy of loving has them chasing after it often against all odds, in romantic partnerships. If they manage to find a partner who can initially mirror their worth, it concretizes that it might not have been their fault they lacked the love they hungered for during childhood, after all.

The problem with this subconsciously driven need for validation, is that they're prone to remaining with lovers who are cut from the same cloth as the people who raised them~ so their end result is consistent and identical. These partnerships reconstitute their original shame from parental neglect and/or abuse. Their constant need to flee this awful feeling of shame, perpetuates an unrelenting compulsion to obtain love from partners who are as incapable of supplying it as their parents had been, as this is what feels natural and 'normal' to them.

This issue is exacerbated, when harsh treatment from one of our parents is not only permitted, but is sanctioned by the other with; "he/she really does love you." This is terribly confusing for a small child, for he/she experiences pain at the hands of Mom or Dad, but is repeatedly told that "it's Love."

This skewed definition of what love is, taints our perceptions and sets us up for a lifetime of accepting that pain in a relationship is to be expected~ and that anguish is a normal part of loving! Any parent who's whitewashed the other's abusiveness, has screwed up their child for life~ for he will always lack common sense and distrust his instincts, unless/until solid, core healing intervention is obtained.

When a client tells me they had a "perfect childhood," or that his/her parents had an ideal, long-term marriage, I know we've got challenging work ahead. The reality is, if this were true, they would not be struggling to form healthy attachments--and they definitely wouldn't be needing My help! Denial keeps us trapped in self-blame for our failings, instead of putting the blame where it actually belongs. It also keeps us addicted to dramatic, painful relationship experiences.

There's no such thing as "love addiction." What exists instead, is an addictive compulsion to catalyze feelings of infatuation, which are about one's capacity to fall in love with him/herself, under the adoring gaze of a desirable other. This sensation is fleeting and transient, and has nothing whatsoever to do with genuine feelings of love or affection for someone else.

BUYING INTO THE UNIVERSAL SOCIETAL MYTH

You may have convinced yourself that your parents "did the best they could" but if that's so, why are you having to invest all this time, money and effort in therapeutic treatment and a litany of self-help venues, just to feel okay about yourself??

I hear all the time, from people who say "I know my mom or dad loved me!" How did you know this? What evidence do you have to support beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you were loved by your parent? How much physical affection do you recall receiving when You (not your parent) needed to experience closeness?

A child needs to feel valued by his/her parent. He needs to see welcome on the parent's face when he enters a room, and feel like he really matters, and is adored. Very few of us ever got to experience this--in fact, what we consistently saw instead, were expressions of indifference or annoyance, and this shaped how we grew up feeling about ourselves!

In reality, your parents showed you a distorted reflection of yourself, and you've trusted it as accurate: "How could Mom and Dad be wrong about me~ don't they know me better than anyone else does??"

When we repeatedly feel confusion, disappointment or distress in childhood, we have to normalize those experiences in order to survive them! We typically stow away these difficult feelings or make them not matter, so we're able to coexist with a variety of upsets and the impaired parents who're responsible for them.

These childhood survival strategies remain intact throughout our adulthood, which can spawn serious clinical issues like Anxiety Disorder, obsessive-compulsive features, attachment difficulties, bad partner selection, addictions, personality disorder traits, etc.

When feelings are put away in childhood, our emotional growth is stunted. As we can't help but be drawn to partners who echo our earliest life experiences and match our level of emotional development, we're naturally attracted to others who are as underdeveloped and damaged as we, which sets us up for failure in our love life. These unions seem familiar and 'normal' to us, so there's an exciting and compelling drive to maintain them. This element is discussed in greater depth toward the end of this literature--but the following will help you better understand why you've landed here.

I'm always astonished, when I work with clients who have any trust in God or sense of spirituality, after they've survived horrible neglect or cruelty at the hands of their parents. To a small child, the parent IS a god--someone he/she instinctively trusts implicitly, to protect and care for them. The stories I hear of the pain these adult children have endured are heartbreaking, and I'm utterly amazed by their willingness and capacity to even approach trusting me.

A few of my clients have chosen to share this material with their parent. If You are a parent, and your grown child has gifted you this material or you've found it by chance, there's a strong likelihood they're needing your apology for painful childhood issues they've struggled to surmount. If you're wanting to build a closer bond with him or her, any attempts to make amends must be heartfelt--and made without explanations or excuses! The reasons you weren't 'equipped' to do it differently or better, are of no use in context of easing the pain they still carry. In short, this effort can't become about you and your struggles, for while they may have empathy and compassion for your plight, they're still wrestling with unresolved wounds and trust issues that you have spawned.

Healing is only possible, when someone you've hurt (even unwittingly) can feel your sincere remorse. While this process won't be easy, it can go a long way toward helping you repair any relationship where trust has been undermined.

THE CAREGIVER PERSONALTY EQUATES BEING NEEDED, WITH BEING LOVED.

Your caregiving nature is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing or extreme amounts of support or nurturing.

Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them with 'pep talks' that include emotional or psychological bolstering, and you feel lighter and/or revitalized afterward.

Occasionally, you might romantically connect with someone who initially shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious theme that underlies this predestined pairing process is: "If you NEED me, you'll never leave me."

In the rare event a selected lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, a Caregiver type is still compelled to encourage some level of dependency. This may be demonstrated by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in wardrobe preference, body image, eating or dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy, etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create at least the illusion of being indispensable and needed, our abandonment concerns are averted. This behavior is driven by a subconscious determination to maintain inequity within all our relationships, for the one who needs the least is always the one in power.

Partners may unwittingly undermine themselves by losing jobs, getting sick or injured, etc., to be complicit with the 'one-up' dynamic you've needed to maintain in the relationship. There's always a payoff in this--as the unspoken agreement or 'contract' that was created when you two first joined remains unchanged, and neither of you has to budge from your established role, or comfort zone.

When a mate/partner is perceived as diminished (or less than) you feel more secure, in that you can control the relationship dynamic and manipulate its emotional climate to suit internal comfort levels. In truth, feeling needed is enhancing to your self-image, and reinforces a sense of well-being/safety, but if a lover gains some genuine empowerment and develops a more equal footing, your Caregiver prowess is suddenly diluted. This is when your emotional equilibrium feels compromised and abandonment anxiety surfaces~ which prompts either sabotaging or clinging behaviors.

Selection strategy insures against this unfavorable outcome, as you will turn away from lovers or friends who are capable of meeting you on a more balanced playing field. Healthier choices require authentic self-esteem, which you may never have had opportunity to develop. You'll naturally guard against anybody discovering this secret, as covert shame, a remnant from your childhood, steers you away from more viable, fully-integrated people who might notice your fragility and/or shortcomings, and find you as "unworthy" of their love as you do. This is not true, incidentally~ it's just your own sense of inadequacy that's being projected onto them. It's how you assume they'll view you.

But what's at the core of this issue?? Being loved in totality is something that Caregivers do not fundamentally believe is possible, as "negative" or less appealing traits and feelings have been suppressed since infancy, in effort to gain more affection or care, and mitigate fears of rejection or abandonment.

Essentially, this kind of child has been emotionally blackmailed into responding to the needs of his/her mother, and personality aspects that were difficult or inconvenient for her to tolerate, have been surrendered or discarded. Even if Mom just wanted to shield her spouse/partner from any form of agitation, her child is conditioned to accept/believe that specific facets and feelings are unacceptable, wrong and bad.

As he matures, he will internalize and adopt this attitude toward himself. Even subtle awareness of the presence of these aspects or feelings makes him feel unlovable and "bad," so he virtually amputates them out of his personality and becomes a People Pleaser, which can cause serious health repercussions.

Various cancers, stomach/intestinal issues, glandular difficulties, rheumatism, migraine headaches, Anxiety/Panic Disorders and adult acne are only a few of the ailments that are triggered by long-held resentment and repressed rage. It's not that anger is wrong or bad, but it's harshly self-judged, and eradicated from one's persona. Non-acceptance of any type of human emotion has one forging and maintaining a partial personality, instead of a whole one.

Partial personalities are attracted to dimensions and aspects in others, that are absent in themselves. Think of a jigsaw puzzle searching for its own missing pieces in another, that houses a greater variety of shapes and colors, which is key to why they attach themselves to lovers who possess volatile, cruel or fragile personality facets.

In short, our natural human desire for a sense of completeness has us drawn to traits in others that we can't/won't own--rather than shooting for developing an autonomous, multi-dimensional and healthy, fully actualized Self.

ONE MAN'S CEILING IS ANOTHER MAN'S FLOOR.

Caregiver personalities learned to mitigate their emotional pain in childhood, by noticing others who were less fortunate. If they could observe another child's far worse plight, it affirmed by contrast, that theirs wasn't so bad after all--and their own pain seemed more palatable.

We've all grown up with platitudes; "I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no legs." You couldn't feel compassion for yourself, because according to your parents, there was always someone else who had it a lot worse, and besides, "pity-parties" weren't allowed in your home!

If our parents judged or invalidated our pain, we learned to treat ourselves precisely the same way when uncomfortable emotions emerged. Core shame is experienced by the child whose anguish or emptiness is trivialized by a dad or mom who's disconnected from his/her own emotions and needs.

This parent treats the child's painful feelings as bad or wrong, and admonishes him to "snap out of it," while assuring that others are far less fortunate than he, and he should be grateful for what he has! This kid will grow up invalidating his own anguish, needs and wants, for it triggers core shame in him for desiring anything beyond mere survival.

There is no opportunity for this child to receive an empathic response to his pain, nor grow up with any capacity to respect his own feelings, and learn to self-soothe. He becomes an empty, robotic shell of an adult, for this is who he is schooled to become. His genuine feeling self has effectively been submerged and killed off. As a direct result, he must typically fight or flee sensations of deadness.

When various feelings are disposed of during childhood, our extra-sensory aspects (instinct and intuition) cannot function properly. This puts us at high risk for professional and personal setbacks, because rather than relying on our innate senses or built-in survival guide to direct us, we make choices based on what we think is right, rather than sensing what will best serve us (or our children). This leaves us second-guessing important decisions or choices~ and worst of all, distrusting ourselves.

Your instincts will never lie to you. If you find it difficult to trust others, it's because you're so dissociated from your feelings, you can't/won't trust your senses to help you determine whom you can trust, and who you can't.

DEFENSES, DENIAL AND DEATH OF THE REAL SELF.

The false-self is grandiose, to compensate for its inherent human frailty. It's constructed from defenses and denial of true feelings, which keeps the real Self protected. This mighty, invincible aspect we construct early in life helps us surmount painful emotional deficits in childhood--but when we're grown, there's a heavy price to pay for maintaining it. We're afraid to let that mask drop, for fear we'll be viewed as incidental or useless, and be rejected. We've learned that our survival depends on being strong/indispensable, and there's no room for 'weakness' of any kind--but the truth is, to really love someone, means to need them, and let our vulnerability co-exist with our strengths within a trusted, deeply intimate connection.

As touched on earlier, entrenched c hildhood coping strategies taint our perceptions in adulthood. They have us feeling sorry for another~ even when they've caused us great harm. The sympathetic feelings we give to somebody else are frequently triggered by our own long-discarded sense of fragility that's projected onto them! This reflex is automatic, if you've attached to a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Rather than feeling your anguish and licking fresh wounds, you will find ways to "forgive" ~but you're constantly obsessing, and can't forget! You'll make allowances and excuses for others, but never yourself, which is maintained as an absurd and dangerous double standard. Genuine empowerment has remained elusive, but your self-protective, survival defenses have all stayed intact, which derails your ability to forge wholesome, healthy reciprocal attachments.

THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND

Not resolving core trauma gives birth to arrogance. It has us giving to those who crave our attention, but don't actually want to feel better. Maybe you've provided a patient ear and offered sound support to a friend over the course of months or years, but nothing ever changes for him or her. You're addicted to the effort though, as it invigorates feelings of aliveness in you!

F ixing compulsions are typically heightened, with friends who have Borderline Personality Disorder features. They'll complain about issues with a friend or lover, yet will not seek therapeutic help for those concerns. Why should they? You're their enabler who loves being needed~ and your payoff, is keeping them as impaired and hapless as they are. Ask yourself, "what else would I be doing with all my spare time, if I halted this behavior??"

Some friends try to piggy-back onto your inner work. Therapy 'by proxy' never helps someone. You are not equipped to assist them, even if you feel you're making solid gains in treatment~ besides, it' s the blind leading the blind, for rather than enduring your own difficult feelings, you still want to distract yourself with trying to relieve another of theirs! This behavior fortifies your rescuing compulsions, and forestalls any emotional expansion or healing, for which you are likely paying large sums of money.

Caregivers are great at fixing, rescuing, teaching and advising, but authentic intimacy/closeness is unsustainable and avoided, given their deep seated abandonment concerns. Caregivers are usually attracted to borderline disordered individuals who match their own emotional deficits and attachment fears.

Genuinely strong, powerful individuals are attracted to others like themselves. They don't prey on the weak or needy, and they do not need to be needed.

ENMESHMENT MEANS, "WHERE DO YOU END, AND I BEGIN?"

Caregivers can't allow others to struggle with difficult feelings, because they're unable to respect and hang out with their own. When a friend is sad, caregiver personalities feel an irrepressible need to micro-manage or mitigate the other's emotions, because permitting their own has always been too challenging. When you learn to tolerate your uncomfortable feelings, you'll start letting others have theirs.

The Caregiver/Pleaser has developed an idealized notion of how he must be perceived in order to be loved--so each giving gesture literally provides a self-image payoff. While this emotional 'reward' may be satisfying on some level, the compulsion to take care of others consistently overrides personal needs and underdeveloped feelings, and perpetuates an issue of "Giving 'till it hurts," because sensations of emptiness and guilt are experienced when he doesn't.

Humans are like chickens. We have light parts and dark ones. If you haven't come to fully accept yourself with both light and dark facets and feelings, how can you possibly like and respect yourself? This issue keeps self-loathing alive, and sets you up for having to buy another's love to make up for your insecurities with generous gifts, gestures and behaviors that consistently put another's desires and needs before your own. These actions are always automatic and reflexive, because your needs have never mattered, and you've not learned to discern, honor or sanction them.

The Pleaser so hungrily seeks approval, he'll happily work longer hours, take on extra tasks that aren't part of his job description, never take vacations, never ask for a raise in salary, etc. He secretly wants his contributions to be noticed and rewarded--but fear keeps him from asking for any compensation!

He would literally prefer that his employer intuit his needs or desires and grant what's never spoken of or requested--as deep down, he doesn't feel worthy of receiving. This entitlement issue usually begins during infancy, due to the lack of adequate care and emotional bonding with our birth mother, and having had little ability to acquire trust that our basic needs are acceptable, and can be met.

Unmet needs spawn painful, frustrating sensations. It's natural for a child to decide that it's easier not to have needs, than to keep feeling anguish from not having his needs responded to and honored. This difficulty gives rise to emotional autism which has us living in a sort of bubble that seals us off from more pain, while reinforcing the non-needing, codependent self.

When we've grown up making ourselves wrong for having any needs (one of the core tenets of codependency), it's easy to feel like it's our fault, when we feel bad in a relationship because we're not getting our needs responded to. As adults, our reflex to bury personal needs and make allowances and excuses for others, is automatic. It motivates us to keep striving in the face of any/all obstacles and odds, no matter what the cost to our own comfort, peace or well-being.

This impulse stems from archaic sensations of shame which are codified by a parent's distorted confirmation that we're defective or unlovable. Our subconscious mind presumes during childhood that if we were truly lovable, we would get far more affection and attention, and feel happy and content: It never takes into account another's inability to love him/herself, or anyone else!

Lurking beneath the surface of every Caregiver's attachments is often the question; "when's it gonna be my turn?" They erroneously presume that the more they give, the more they'll eventually/some day get back--but that cannot happen, due to the type of person they've chosen to love. This issue is never resolved, because reciprocal relationships actually make him/her feel uneasy, and are summarily avoided.