Britain’s political parties are churning out tat in the run-up to 8 June. Can anything top the Tories’ ‘strong and stable’ postcards?

What can we learn from our political parties’ online shops? If you visit Ukip’s online gift shop and, after being stuck in a click-loop between two defunct portals, you finally find the right link and all the item photography looks as if it was done on a Nokia N95 in a drainage ditch full of purple dye, could it be a sign that they might not be up to much? We swept each party’s swag for signs of competence:

Conservatives, £15

The Tories’ online store has the air of a chummy Cotswolds gift shop. This item features a quote from Neil Kinnock set against an austere grainy photo of 80s industrial unrest. It would go very well with a cup of Fortnum & Mason earl grey (not included). At £15 quid each, Tetley is a non-starter.

Conservatives, £6

You’d like to send six of your closest friends a “Strong, Stable Leadership in the National Interest” postcard? Are you sure they wouldn’t they prefer the traditional newsprint cutouts and a human finger?

Greens, £19

“The message is clear,” the blurb announces. Confusingly, the message could also be: “Say no to Green Party”. All organic cotton, mind, and “produced in an ethically accredited wind-powered factory”. Even if the Joy Division-aping “Untapped Treasure” hoodie isn’t your thing, fans of the global textile production chain will love the tab that allows you to trace the origins of your garment (that one to a factory in Coimbatore, India, and a cotton farm in Ahmedabad).

Lib Dems, £10.99

You’d look more on-trend in the Lib Dem hi-vis bib, yours for only £14.50. And while you’re wearing your bib, why not whip out of your bag a copy of The Liberals in Hampshire? And if you think it’s boring, you’ve clearly not tried Liberals in Hampshire Part 2, still used in place of anaesthetic in certain developing nations.

Labour, £12.50

And to those who say St Jeremy of N1 has built a cult of personality, you can only point them towards your Jeremy Corbyn tote bag, say: “that is not recognisably a personality” and sip more Kaliber from your Jeremy Corbyn pint glass. Sadly, the party’s infamous “Controls on immigration” mug is now a collectors’ item.

Ukip, £6

Ukip’s swag has declined along with its star. Whereas in 2011, a bunch of fruitcake outsiders were offering lighters that protested against the smoking ban, a mug featuring David Cameron that made his nose grow Pinocchio-longer when filled with hot liquids, and an inspired Herman Van Rompuy tea towel based on Nigel Farage’s “charisma of a damp rag” insult, now the gifts are not only hidden by their own incompetence, they’re dross. None more so than the chance to buy a grey binder that fits “12 copies of Independence magazine”.