The final adventure in Rimworld.

Vix the master builder, Lloyd the turkey whisperer and some guy called Scott finally reach the end of their camping adventure. Yes, all of this really happened in game, in fact, I had to omit tiny details or we would have been here all day.

Does it end in an enviable bloodbath? Would they all survive the year? What will become of Gerald the gentleman monkey?

TEPID affection

11th of Fall 5500.

The beaver and bandit raids of the previous month had taken its toll. Mostly on the turkey population (poor, poor one-legged Polly), so let’s get back to the basics. Forcing Vix to build giant structures by herself of course! The previous month brought piss-poor bandit Kit to the camp, who just happened to be a researching genius. She thought the up the fantastical idea of Geothermal power and Vix sprints at high speed to construct this new power source. Braving the elements Vix fashions a geothermal plant from her bare hands. Gerald the monkey watches on, possibly drooling. Silly monkey. Kit shrugs at such feats and sets her vicious mind to the concept of fuzzy-wuzzy carpets.

A Muffalo is a hairy descendant of the buffalo, complete with shearing and milk privileges. Mighty Muffaloes enter the area around the camp, Lloyd pricks his ears… Rubs his eyes and blinks excitedly. He must have them. In record time Lloyd seduces the largest mighty Muffalo. He absolutely loves Muffaloes. Especially the massive hairy ones. The mucky bugger.

It’s around this time we realise that Mie the sullen drunk absolutely despises Lloyd! Blimey, I wonder what they did to rub each other up the wrong way. An insult here and an insult there…

“Winter is coming.” says Scott whilst resting a single foot on quite a high rock and looking far into the distance. Vix groans. With extra mouths to feed and the turkey population prematurely harvested, food might become a problem. Especially as you never know what’s coming in this miserable land. Vix kicks Scott’s foot off the rock and drafts out her plans for a luxury Hydroponic centre. Ok, an additional wooden shack to the south of home-base. By home-base, we technically mean “a larger, crappier, wooden shack that we all live in”. Anyway, we best research the technology first… “KIT!”

Lloyd ignores the bile directed at him from Mie and seduces a female Muffalo to go with the stud. Maybe all that time Lloyd invested in turkey whispering wasn’t a waste after all. Oh yes, they will all be Lloyd’s.

Speaking of turkeys, it appears turkey 3 has “minor” Alzheimer’s. Blimey, that’s a bit grim as she wanders around the landscape in confusion. Not even Lloyd’s famous coaxing can fix such a problem. That’s a problem for tomorrow.

Kit screams “Eureka!” and announces that she has revealed the secrets of Hydroponics, or to give it the correct scientific name, growing shit indoors. At least, she would have screamed eureka if she cared at all. At the exact same time Lloyd and Kit become lovers… WHAT A COINCIDENCE! As real life Scott and Vix discuss the relationship and how Kit’s a psychopath with a nasty streak, the relationship ends. No really, it lasted 1 minute in real time. We laugh and laugh at Lloyd’s misfortune, like the great friends we are.

Talking of misfortune, we haven’t forgotten about lil’ Scott’s desperate attempts to woo man-hating Vix. Once again he’s rejected, once again he wanders around in a pathetic state. Stripped of his research station Scott strolls to the crop fields. Hey, at least Vix doesn’t absolutely despise him anymore, that’s progress. All this romance talk has inspired a “cold snap” and the land freezes over instantly. Goodbye crops, fingers and lil’ Scott’s last important job. Blimey those crops are incredibly dead. Hold on, we didn’t harvest any of that hay for the animals. Oh bugga’. This could result in a painful winter. Bloody hell Lloyd, why did you insist on playing Noah!

If the camp survives the crippling cold and Lloyd’s terribly tailored Parka’s we must consider whether we want gun turrets or telly… It’s decided Telly’s more important, as it’s ‘orrible outside. Sir raises an eyebrow in a smooth Connery-like fashion and prepares dinner.

It finally happens, the entire Turtle population go insane and hunt their natural prey… man.

“They’re slowly coming right for us!” screams Vix. She takes aim and shoots out the eye of the closet lunatic tortoise. A baby turkey walks into the fray. “Noooooooo!” (in the style of Darth Vader) screams Lloyd. The cunning turtle nibbles at the foolish creature. Turtle justice is dispensed soon after. The battle had been won, yet again. Whilst the clean up operation begins and terrible beak scars are tended to, (or worn with pride), yet another baby turkey is euthanized. Mie sees to the morbid task at hand.

Kit drops the big telly research idea and discreetly decides automated gun turrets might be useful after all. “Why the hell didn’t we research gun turrets?” bellows an indignant Scott.

What the fuck is a super volcano? Come back bandit raids! Our camp’s covered in ash, and the Sun’s blotted out as the cold-snap’s been one-upped. When will this end? Kit and Scott huddle around the research bay, Scott stands awkwardly at the old fashioned dunce research desk, whilst Kit reclines in a luxury wooden chair, at her state of the art terminal. We need a barn of freshly grown food, QUICK! Forget the starving animals, we might not survive this! How long before we run out of that delicious, Sir prepared, turtle stew?

It’s -5 degrees inside every bloody room. Even with the brand new Hydroponics barn, food won’t grow if the soil is frozen. The grand heater programme begins. The entire camp comes to life as they scurry around, even Lloyd… kinda. Ok, not really, he does the one thing and runs off to play; but everyone else scurries around to supply heat to the camp. The last heater’s being built by Scott and the cold snap comes to an end. Fuck.

Kit returns to her Gun turret research and mutters murderous thoughts. Thanks to the grand heater project I’m not sure we have the spare parts for shiny new gun turrets. Kit stops muttering and is openly upset that her research will almost certainly be for nothing.

Sir pouts, undoes the top button to his shirt, provides a plate of hors d’oeuvres, swoops in and seduces Vix with a flick of his eyebrow. Smooth bastard. Smooth old bastard. Scott crumbles.

Guess lil’ Scott have to make do with telly, just like real life. Lovely reliable telly. Telly won’t run away for some old bastard, at a tip of a hat, will it. Will it?!

Vix takes pity and cobbles together a crappy ol’ tv in the common room. Strange to think Lloyd, Vix and Scott once bedded down in this vomit encrusted room with cracking hangovers and a half dead monkey.

Still, we take comfort in the little things. Sir likes to stay up all night, pottering around the camp leaving a poor and miserable Vix to a cold empty bed. There’s hope for young Scott yet. I’m not bitter or anything.

Oh fuck off. Vix instantly accepted Sirs marriage proposal after 5 minutes.

Where was the romance? The finesse? The wooing? Lil’ Scott certainly won’t be attending. Sir is 51 years old.

Lloyd tends to turkey 3 who is once again wandering around in a state of confusion due to Alzheimer’s. While distracted, Lloyd is attacked by an insane squirrel and simultaneously, cargo pods fall from the sky supplying the camp with top notch medical supplies. What the fuck is going on around here?

Soon after, a solar flare hits the camp killing the power. In the chaos, Scott bonds with a Muffalo and names her Klavdiya. He’s not trying to fill a gap in his heart or anything. The solar flare ends, Scott has a new best friend and Uranium falls from the sky. Lloyd considers making super strong underpants to go with his sword, when a tiny bit of Gold drops from the heavens soon after… who’s throwing us these scraps of metal?

With the new TVs and hydroponics bay the camp requires more power, so Mie the deadly assassin, in a completely pissed up state decides to chuck some spare batteries in a nearby, closed off unknown structure. She smashes down the wall, possibly with her ninja head. What the hell is this? A physic shock lance? I’ve no idea what that does. A cryosleep chamber? Wait, it has something, or someone inside! What do we do?

Knowing RImworld like we now do, we decide to check it out. But not before gathering the team with heavy weaponry. Apart from Sir, the peace-loving playboy.

Farewell Amanda Hunt. You put up a brave fight upon being awaken. Scott and Vix bravely shoot her in the back and we all go back to camp for tea.

Mie’s booze binge doesn’t last too long this time, to be fair.

The bodies are stacking up behind the rocks, so we decide to do one better, give these guys a proper resting place. We chuck them in a cave. No-one needs to know do they? Mie does the honours and ninja punches the bare rock, Vix puts up a wooden door. We’ll chuck the bodies in there later, can’t do everything at once can we!

A few days pass. Serene. Peaceful, although a little bit ashy from the Super Volcano.

A proclamation is issued… Vix and Sir’s marriage celebrations begin, as Lloyd throws the bones of our enemies in the makeshift cave. Lloyd returns, wipes his hands on his trousers and gets to the serious business of drinking. Mie cleans up Lloyd’s vomit. It’s a tender moment as Mie breaks down soon after and raids the beer supply on a mighty binge.

We leave the happy couple to their honeymoon.

As the team shake off their hangovers we are immediately warned of a manhunting pack of Boomalops. A boomalope is like a giant rat that explodes when dead-ed. These things are dangerous as these explosions are huge fiery affairs, so the group bravely hide.

There is a problem with this genius hiding plan. Polly the crippled turkey will need feeding in the barn outside… Sod it, let’s worry about that later when she’s hungry.

Shit, as we sleep, one of the Boomalopes has kicked in the rickety wooden front door! The warning message said they wouldn’t try to get in! Bloody hell! Everything in here is flammable. Why did we insist on making everything out of wood!

The team beats out the fire, bemoan the loss of the swanky dining table and lamp and takes a breath, a slightly sooty breath. Vix immediately creates a new, stronger front door.

Ok, no more sitting around, let’s go kill us some Boomalopes. Lloyd proudly charges outside to lead the team, only to step away as he’s carrying a sword and has an aversion to being a little bit on fire.

You can guess how that idea panned out.

Vix commissions a state of the art medical wing. Sigh… Now what? The pace has been genuinely frantic. Just as one of our heroes recover from their wounds, a new menace pops up. The menace of nature.

The camp suffers an incredible electric storm, as the floor sparks with lightning strikes. Exciting. We sit in awe.

A local boar must have heard about Lloyd’s dulcet tones as she decides to join the camp. Lloyd decides to train her and recruit her a mate. Forget the turkey army, boars have tusks and own a selection of sturdy legs.

The clinically insane Kit researches a Cremation device and ignores it. The caves done us proud, let’s stick with the nice trustworthy murder cave. She’s rapidly running out of projects and I’m a little worried what happens when she’s not hunched over a desk for 20 hours a day.

A nice foggy rain sweeps in killing the fire before it reaches anything important. Phew.

We may have shaken off the constant raids, but the world itself has turned against us.

Lloyd picks up Polly the one legged turkey and moves her into the comfy bed in his room. Oh, she’s about to drop some eggs too… ugh… best not think too hard about the fertilisation process.

The volcanic ash settles. The sun breaks from the clouds. The team shield their eyes. They have survived the year.

In fact we lasted over a year as the ashen winter changed our standard boring winter to something a tad more epic.

They fought against the elements, bandit raiders, wildlife and worst of all, sobriety.

Vix found love in a wily old playboy named Sir. Lloyd found love in a legless turkey. Mie found her dad and watched him seduce a woman younger then herself, before having a drink or two. Kit found friends in those she tried to kill and lastly, Scott found nothing. Nothing at all.

Somehow our unlikely team crushed all those who opposed them, survived the harshest of winters and learned to trust an uncaring psychopath because she gave them TV and guns.

As we draw to a close we bring your attention to the…..

EPILOGUE

Vix stayed on a few years changing the rag-tag camp into a thriving community. Growing tired of her new husband and achieving all she could, she packed her bags and left her creation behind to start all over again.

Several years later Vix was responsible for a new wave of space trainers specialising in comfort, rocketry and light-speed.

Unable to control his dashing charms Sir abandoned his wife and daughter, yet again, to pursue further conquests.

He currently lives in a bedsit and has chronic back spasms.

Lloyd redoubled his efforts to provide a better life for Polly, culminating in the Cyber-Turkey leg branch of robotics. As a master in his specialised field Lloyd travels the universe giving lectures, signing autographs and crooning in his beautiful, beautiful voice.

Lloyd didn’t forget those heady days on Rimworld, writing a best selling book on the subject, allowing for that holiday home on Risa.

Scott remains on Rimworld safe in the knowledge that no-one expects much from him. Tending to the allotment he often looks up at the stars and wonders… Just what is everyone else up to? Because he refuses to pick up the phone or read this epilogue.

Mie spent a few more years in the Rimworld. After a vicious fist-fight with Lloyd (that’s completely true, they were both hospitalised) she decided it was time to depart. Free from the oppressive atmosphere of camp, she attended AA, cleaned up her act and has found love with a plumber called Tony from Hull.

She has 3 children and no hobbies.

Free from her obligations, after researching everything she could, Kit left Rimworld as soon as the shuttle showed up. Of course, she toyed with Lloyd’s heart before leaving, it was something to do.

She now lives in LA creating avant-garde designer art, in which she creates life-sized carvings of famous celebrities before smashing them to bits.

They fetch an incredible price.

Gerald remains with Lloyd, as a loyal friend and source of comfort.

Goodbye from Camping Adventures in Spaaaccceeeeeeeeeee.