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DAY 1. THE HAPPENING

When the great crash happened it was nothing like we feared. There was no panic. No tears. Mostly there were just slammed fists and swearing. The internet was down, and hitting refresh didn't work. Ctrl, alt, delete, and hard rebooting were similarly useless.

No one had internet. Anywhere.

And we didn't know why. Electricity, running water, and even television were all unaffected. But Internet Explorer mocked us with an endless hourglass. And Firefox just kept asking to download the latest version that never came. Mac users were confident Safari would never fail them, but it did. Although, because the internet was down, no one tweeted "UGH! Safari! FAIL!"

We went to sleep that night with no emails sent. No statuses updated. And millions of men all over the world checked that secret panel in their basement wall to see if their old Jenna Jameson DVDs were still there to play them to sleep. Tomorrow, we thought, would be a new day.

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DAY 2. THE WAITING

Some woke at dawn. Not on purpose, but withdrawal can be a bitch. They were the first to see that nothing had changed. Some walked out bewildered into the rain. Others remembered that television still had things called weathermen who advised you to take an umbrella on days like this. By 9 a.m. our mood was best characterized as one of bemused frustration with actual panic still an arm's length away. Many offices canceled work, at least for the morning. It was like getting a technological snow day, and swapping the internet for some time off seemed like a fair trade at the time. Besides, not everything was broken. My Scotch had yet to suffer any technical difficulties. I poured myself two fingers of The Macallan, pleased with that pithy Scotch observation. I considered using it to update my Facebook status before remembering that would be impossible.

At around 2 p.m, Tobey called, clearly drunk off basement microbrew, and asking if I wanted to attend his "internet-free party." I reminded Tobey that he and I lived on opposite sides of the country and that was one of the many reasons we were only internet buddies. Besides, even if I lived closer, Mapquest was down and the last time I got directions from Tobes, I ended up at an