Some of you may wonder why we can’t have nice things anymore. This is the reason. Welcome to the world where America’s favorite sweathog, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, has an app instantly available to any idiot with a smart phone and $1 of disposable income.

Here’s Conan, trying to wrap his brain around the concept:

If you’ve got an extra buck, and haven’t already committed it to a delicious McDouble, you could snag a copy of “Spread Snooki” (yes, that’s actually the app’s name), which was last year’s Jersey Shore-related iAbortion. As an aside, if you’re too cheap to donate $1 to Snooki’s buffet relief fund, you can always go with the cheaper (read: free) “Jersey Me” app.

You may ask, as we did, how such a thing is possible. Apparently, an entire army of nerds is slaving away, programming Jersey Shore related apps. Yes, Apps Genius Corp. (APGS) makes those apps. In the short month since the Snookify Me app launched, APGS has seen its stock price shoot up to $0.68/share, more than doubling its’ price on August 15th. But wait, there’s more! APGS has an exclusive license to produce up to SEVEN more exclusive “Snooki” apps, ensuring that the four horsemen of the apocalypse will have no problem finding their way here.

Yes, people, it’s true. We live in a world where the Jersey Shore pulls in more than 6.5 million viewers in any given week — making it the top-rated basic cable series, edging out eminently watchable shows like AMC’s The Walking Dead. Rounding out the list were Teen Mom and Teen Mom II (with 3.4 million weekly viewers), Keeping Up with the Kardashians (with just above 3 million weekly viewers), and The Real Housewives of Atlanta (with 2.6 million viewers). Seriously, who gives a fuck about this crap?!?

Admittedly, there were a few bright spots in the Jersey Shore. But, having to wade through weeks of the same plot, over and over and over and over and over again, just doesn’t justify things. Well, maybe a little.

PS: Jersey Shores producer Sally Ann Salsano was named to the 2011 Women in Entertainment Power 100, which she acknowledged by telling the interviewed that “Right now, I’m in Ugg boots, a fleece, I haven’t showered in two days, and I’m sitting on a street corner in Rhode Island.” Huh. I always thought they stood, not sat, on street corners.

You can keep up to date on all the Kardashian dish by following their unfamous sister, Kluga’s twitter feed.