

My friend believes that "after the revolution" there won't be any trans people, because gender is a construct of the patriarchy. She often cites Andrea Dworkin's comments about how trans people should be allowed whatever they need to transition because of the nature of our society, but that in feminist utopia, no one would ever want to transition because there would be umpteen gazillion amorphous gender identities.



She also believes - and this is where my real problem comes in - that instead of trans people sharing locker rooms, bathrooms, etc with cis people, the entire infrastructure of the US should be redone so that all bathrooms are single stall, all locker rooms are individual changing cubes, etc. This does not, to me, feel like acceptance of trans people, even though she always emphasizes that it is about privacy and safety for all. I feel that her reasoning rests on the construction of trans people as predators and is also implicitly homophobic/gay erasing.



She also tends to be really uncomfortable whenever trans anything is discussed, and has asked me zero questions about my history, plans, etc. She tends to withdraw from any conversations whenever trans issues come up. For instance, when I said that I'd started wearing men's shirts instead of just men's style shirts made for women and it was so great, she got all cold and silent.



She is someone whose views on trans people used to be really terrible, on the "men in dresses" continuum, so I recognize that she's really moved and done a lot of work to get where she is now.



I avoided coming out to her for a couple of years and then finally blew up at her, which was not fair. However, she never apologized for saying the "men in dresses" stuff, which had really, really hurt me at the time and indeed kept me from sharing any of this stuff. I would really have liked something like "I'm sorry that I said things that were hurtful to you", but all it boiled down to was "my politics are great, if you want to be offended and stop being friends, that's on you, because I believe this great trans-accepting thing just like Andrea Dworkin".



I feel like I can't talk about most of the important things in my life with her, and our conversations are really awkward. We had a big dumb argument last week about nothing - I got really upset over something trivial because I was actually upset over a whole stack of small upsetting things that had been said earlier.



I feel bad about that, but I also feel like I'm always pushed into this position where I have to argue for my gender identity. I feel like if I say anything to her that isn't "I am 100% a manly man inside my heart and I have always felt that way 100%" she takes it as proof that my gender identity is bullshit. She is basically a professional arguer as her day job, so I am always at a loss in our arguments - I always lose, but that doesn't mean she's right. "Your beliefs about gender don't match my experiences or my friends' experiences" cuts no ice with her, because she feels that it is false consciousness. But this really makes me reluctant to get into it with her, because I can't out-argue her and she doesn't accept what trans people say about themselves as evidence.



Basically, I'm acting like kind of an asshole to her on occasion, while also feeling terrible and stifled.



She has a right to her opinion.



What should I do? Do I end the friendship? Can I ghost? Do I just go on and try not to snap at her? Should I apologize? (I feel like I'm always the one who apologizes.) Do you even think her ideas are bad, or do you feel that this is an acceptable kind of opinion? How could I have handled things better earlier?

A long time friend has an attitude toward trans people that I, as a gender non-conforming, basically trans person find upsetting. Is it fair to be upset? How could I have handled things better?