COLLINGWOOD star Dane Swan has been quick to flag his recent chance meeting with underworld figure Toby Mitchell. Here’s what happened next.

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Dear AFL fans,

It may have come to your attention that I was pictured outside my house on Tuesday.

Somehow I had found my way to an Italian restaurant and had lunch with friends.

Apparently, someone had left the gate unlocked at my house.

I now realise there is no excuse for this and I have let everyone down.

Immediately upon realising I was outside my house, I rang the Collingwood Football Club and informed them of what had happened.

They explained that while they were not happy, they understood these things happen from time to time.

media_camera Travel no further than this, Bucks advised.

They sent a team of handlers to return me to my home and make sure I could not get out again.

I made a strong commitment to them that I will stop having a life outside of football and cease any activities which could bring the game into disrepute, such as having lunch at an Italian restaurant.

The shame I feel for my actions is only slightly offset by the wonderful fettuccine carbonara I had and a perfectly seasoned entree of calamari.

I hope this ends the matter.

Dane Swan

Titus writes an increasingly popular satirical sports blog titusoreily.com

Follow him @TitusOReily