THE finalised Brexit deal imposes full EU rules on Northern Ireland, changes its official language to Flemish, bans religion and renames it West Belgium.

The deal also creates a 190-mile tidal barrier down the length of the Irish Sea which UK citizens can only cross via a customs point on the Isle of Man but EU citizens can pass through wherever they like.

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “I don’t think anyone can have any problem with this.

“In Belfast, or New Bruges, we’ll eliminate sectarian divides with automated drones set to destroy all religious texts and recite the 800 pages of regulations against it to any attempted practitioners.

“An 800ft Manneken Pis in Ghent II, formerly Derry, will provide all drinking water for the region which is not anything the natives could be insulted by, and we’ll house the auxiliary European Parliament on the site of the bulldozed Stormont.

“The colours orange and green will be banned, as will the colours red, white and blue. But there’ll still be a Royal family. I’m sure you’ll really take to King Philippe.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said: “On reflection, maybe we could accept a little compromise.”