The Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) free trade agreement passed a major hurdle February 3 in New Zealand when it was signed in blood by trade representatives of twelve governments. The representatives quickly disappeared and shape-shifted off to their reptilian roots. The Superbowl is coming.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

OVERWHELMING SUPPORT FOR SAVIOR TRADE DEAL

The TPP deal is so overwhelmingly supported by virtually everyone that our stewards of democracy on the television did not waste a minute of our valuable entertainment time boring us about this dry TPP. Have you picked your Superbowl team?

The TPP is expected to increase American GDP a stunning .13 percent by 2025. The United States will advance from a post-industrial service-sector economy to the next step: an agrarian economy. Massive increases in production and exports of meat, grain and dairy [PDF] will assure Marco Rubio’s “New American Century.” Don’t miss the exciting Superbowl commercials.

The new deal, affectionately called NAFTA on steroids, will produce so much GDP growth that by 2060, three or four percent of the .13 percent will trickle down to our grandchildren. We will all be rich. A chicken in every pot. Superbowl tickets cost a minimum of $3000.00.

The people of the world, currently enslaved in production of advanced technological products, will finally have food to eat after long days making low-skill low-tech things like cell phones, solar panels and computer boards. The countdown to the Superbowl is well underway.

No wonder nearly everyone supports the TPP and Newscast Now reports only the reality. In the future, there will be Superbowl virtual reality.

RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY THEORISTS AND TIRED OLD LEFT-WING HIPPIES OPPOSE TPP

There are a few dead-enders ready to fall off the cliff and ruin everything America has ever stood for — destroying your family in the process. These terrorists will likely find their way onto the streets to block your path as you run an errand to buy a quart of milk for grandma. They are more dangerous than ISIS. 93 ISIS cells are ready to kill Americans.

Dangerous interlopers are sympathizing with subversive groups including StopTPP, FlushTheTPP, EFF, Public Citizen, and another two thousand organizations. Psychiatrists have diagnosed members and sympathizers of these groups with analcubital confusion (ACC), which will be added officially to the DSM-6 of the American Psychiatric Association.

The newly defined ACC syndrome may be connected to the Zika virus. The virus may disrupt the center of the brain that provides rationality about international trade treaties or it may produce microcephaly in offspring. A national emergency is being considered. If declared, zombie crowds will not be allowed to gather on the streets to protest against freedom.

Presently, American Legislative Exchange Commission (ALEC) is working on model bills for all twelve nations so that all can be assured that the terrorism label applies to quell the crying and screaming of these bullies and protect the path to grandma’s milk.

Barrack Obama invoked the C-word to punctuate how critical this agreement is. “Because if we don’t [enact the TPP], competitors who don’t share our values, like China, will step in to fill that void.”

Most importantly, the quality scientists, economists, debunkers and fact checkers are rushing to put together an informational campaign to shrink the population of these Luddites.

“TPP IS GOOD FOR ME” CAMPAIGN BEING DEVELOPED

While the moderators of social website Reddit have tamed the site by removing or ‘downvoting‘ articles about the TPP, there is still some concern that a few annoying TPP articles may slip through. The warning about the risk of interrupting pretty memes and cat pictures is currently bright orange.

Borrowing from an old idea for legendary wonder chemical dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane, an adorable comic with cute characters is being modified to help provide the right data for the shills of Reddit who promote the TPP.

The new slogan will be “TPP is good for me.” Barry Manilow has been asked to write a jingle. Here is the quality science and economics infographic:

Editor’s note: Newscast Now will not be wasting any more time covering the TPP after this report unless opponents of the deal need to be clunked with a good debunking. Back to the Superbowl and cat memes.