GIVE US THAT OLD TIME PROGRESSIVISM



March 4, 2007, Barack Obama makes a speech in Selma, commemorating the courageous 1965 march for equality that put the obscure Alabama town on the national front page. Obama speechifies about the bravery and historic significance of the event—no problem—but he next reveals that his parents were inspired by Selma, implies they met there, and adds: “There was something stirring across the country because of what happened in Selma, Alabama, because some folks are willing to march across a bridge. So, they [his parents] got together and Barack Obama Jr. was born. So don’t tell me I don’t have a claim on Selma, Alabama. Don’t tell me I’m not coming home when I come to Selma, Alabama.” It will surprise no one, we trust, that the crowd went wild.

We hear you. “So what? We all know Obama can’t discuss anything in a public forum without inserting himself into the narrative.” And that’s true– but less deserving of scrutiny, we submit, than the wild violations of linear time observable in the candidate’s remarks. Indeed, for Obama’s autobiographical assertions to be correct, one would have to suppose that Obama’s parents met at–or were at least inspired by–the march at Selma, married afterwards, and proceeded to make little Barack. But the future president was born–regardless of where–in 1961. That was four years before the Selma march. Obama’s parents were divorced in 1964, a year before the march occurred. In fact, when Selma happened, they were 10,793 miles apart (father in Kenya, mother in Honolulu).

On CNN Jake Tapper summarized the event straight-facedly, reporting that Obama “credited the 1965 Selma march with his parents, a Black African father and White Kansas mother, meeting and falling in love.” Like the rest of the media, Tapper either didn’t notice, or didn’t care to notice, the speech’s glaring array of impossibilities. A few right-wing commentators and media voices took note, citing the Selma appearance as further evidence that Obama was a pathological liar. A plausible enough explanation–but was it correct? Emerging evidence suggests a dramatically different and far more disturbing explanation. The Selma speech is only one item of evidence. Many others follow.

THE IRANIAN CONNECTION

Our story begins (if that verb retains any relevance, given our topic) in 2013, when Iran developed a rudimentary form of trans-time technology. Deep within the humming environs of Iran’s Centre for Strategic Inventions–a secret, assault-proof, underground facility devoted to advancing science and technology in the interest of eliminating the United States, Israel, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, pop musicians, and sundry other infidels, a young scientist was engaged in developing algorithms. The scientist, Ali Razeghi, was charged with the “development and electronic reification” of cyberspacially advanced algorithms capable of out-thinking strategic planners in the Satanic West. Thus, Iran, as an emergent nuclear power, hoped to dominate battlefields and airspace in the Middle East while delivering nuclear blows to specific targets including, but not limited to, those already mentioned.

BREAKTHROUGH!

But while tinkering with algorithmic constructs, 27-year-old Razeghi entered that pantheon of scientific immortals whose discoveries of paradigm-shifting phenomena occurred entirely by accident. Like Percy Spencer, the Raytheon Corporation engineer who accidentally melted his Hershey bar while working on a radar project, thus discovering the microwave oven, or the chemists at Pfizer who failed in their efforts to cure angina but accidentally invented Viagra, Razeghi unintentionally created an algorithmic sequence that effected an entry-level form of time travel. At first, the so called Aryayek Time Machine functioned at the level of a high-tech fortune cookie. But even in its earliest form, it predicted future events with 98 percent accuracy. When Razeghi first announced his findings, he explained, “The reason we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.” But that was baloney.

THE LESOVIK “SIMULATION”…

In Russia, physicists from the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology, after much experimentation, succeeded in sending a quantum computer a fraction of a second into the past. At CNN, some neolithic iconoclast committed journalism, tracking down the story, verifying its authenticity, and even wrangling an interview with project’s lead physicist, Dr. Gordey Lesovik. But Lesovik downplayed the entire matter, assuring CNN’s newshound that the reported time reversal was merely “simulated,” The reporter asked whether the “simulation” placed Russia on the cusp of developing time travel. After a telling pause, Lesovik replied, “not really,” and the reporter reverted to type, reporting Lesovik’s denial unquestioningly.

ALGORITHM, WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

Time travel has long been theorized to require an ASIC-resistant hashing algorithm. (ASIC stands for Application-Specific Integrated Circuit.) A hashing algorithm is normally associated with one-way functions, impossible to invert. However, several recent discoveries suggest that certain hashing algorithms contain the potential for reversal. Physicists have hypothesized that the proper hashing algorithm could make visiting the past a reality–but the number of potentially useful algorithms was calculated at nearly four-hundred thousand. If one such algorithm could be isolated and proven effective, Doctor Lesovik’s “simulation” could become reality. Restated metaphorically, Lesovik built the car, but without a key it was useless. Moreover, the quest for the key algorithm promised to be agonizingly complex– until Iran went public with its own time-travel story.

BACK TO IRAN!

The Russians learned of the device through press reports. It seems the Mullahs didn’t consider it a security issue and announced it publicly as a means of highlighting Iranian science. In Moscow, the news was viewed with intense interest, particularly at the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology. Confidence was building that Razehghi, whilst seeking an algorithm by which to thwart Western arms superiority, had blundered into the “golden” hash algorithm essential to making Doctor Lesovik’s time-travel dreams come true. Moscow quickly contacted Tehran about the significance of the matter, and maximum secrecy was imposed. Razeghi’s plans to commercialize his discovery were quashed and disinformation released to the effect that his prototype was under wraps for fear the Chinese would merchandise the technology. Meanwhile, Razeghi, and his technology, were flown to Moscow for a tête-à-tête with Russian physicists. Insights gained were further augmented by research already in Lesovik’s possession, dating from 1987. That year, substantial advances in time-travel technology were achieved by another Russian: Vadim Chernobrov. Chernobrov claimed his machine could slow or speed up the course of time by manipulating Earth’s magnetic field, and his research proved a vital addition to the Russian/Iranian project. The combined technologies placed the manipulation of time within Lesovik’s grasp.

BREAKING “THE ARROW OF TIME!”

The first test of the hybridized Russian prototype pitted it against Sir Arthur Eddington’s 1927 postulate, commonly known as “the arrow of time hypothesis.” Eddington argued that the asymmetry of time–its inherent irreversibility–was immutable, making visitations to the past scientifically impossible. Well before the first operational test of the Russian device, physicists were beginning to suspect Eddington was wrong. Arguing that nothing in Einsteinian theory precludes time travel, several physicists around the globe published fresh ideas on how it could be accomplished. In fact, considerable evidence indicates the Russian machine, albeit somewhat sporadically and unpredictably, was capable of travel into the past by 2014. According to rumor, one of the earliest “chrononauts” on these experimental voyages was Vladimir Putin, who is said to have visited several historical eras. Photos purporting to document Putin’s rovings have circulated on the dark web for years. Early experiments performed with the Gordey/Razeghi machine persuaded even hardcore Eddington supporters that time, as we conventionally define it, is manipulable, and because time manipulation makes almost anything possible almost any time, linear continuity became an obsolete concept.

CLOSING THE TIME GAP!

Reports of the Iranian/Russian time-travel project soon leaked out of Moscow and Tehran. These leaks, combined with a number of confirmatory NSA intercepts, found their way to the Oval Office. According to various accounts, President Obama was instantly captivated, and (somewhat uncharacteristically) given to expound protractedly on the dangers of time-traveling Russians. Shortly, a presidential order went out to CIA Director John Brennan, which stated, in essence: Take a break from harassing your agency’s Benghazi survivors, and focus on closing the time-travel gap!

TIME FOR THE CIA!

To hasten the plot forward, and also because we are not privy to the exact details, suffice it that at some point in transit from Moscow to its intended base deep inside Yamantau mountain in the Beloretsky District of the Urals, the Russian prototype went missing. Following the usual number or summary executions and prolonged interrogations, suspicion narrowed to the American CIA, who were, in fact, responsible. Evidently, the Russian prototype, once liberated from its owners, traversed Northwestern Russia by riverboat, emigrated to Finland via a specially designed drone, and thence overland to the port of Helsinki. The package left Helsinki listed as refrigerator parts on a cargo ship’s manifest. After a midnight transfer to the nuclear submarine New Hampshire, the purloined prototype was transported to the naval facility at Norfolk, Virginia. From Norfolk, of course, it was a quick hop to CIA headquarters at Langley, where the Agency’s Directorate of Science and Technology began analyzing the device.

ADMITTEDLY, MISTAKES WERE MADE….

While the heist itself went flawlessly, the CIA plan to suborn or kidnap scientists and technicians familiar with the Russian machine’s handling characteristics failed utterly, for reasons that remain obscure. Confronted with this setback, the CIA assembled a team of American and British scientists whose research closely paralleled Lesovik’s. But despite the international brain trust’s best efforts, America’s first experiments with time travel proved dicey. Several early missions into the past are said to have gone shockingly awry. Details remain unavailable, but multiple sources agree that initial missteps by the Agency resulted in nightmarish consequences.



ON THE WHOLE, I’D RATHER BE IN PHILADELPHIA…

Evidently, the fates of the first CIA chrononauts bore a striking resemblance to what allegedly befell the crew of an American destroyer escort during the notorious “Philadelphia Experiment” of October 3rd, 1943. According to numerous researchers, this project combined Einstein’s unified field theory with Tesla’s advances in space-time manipulation, in an effort to render a warship invisible. According to histories of the event, the ship not only became invisible, but also transported itself ten minutes into the past, returned, and bi-located to several additional moorings before the test could be halted. Supposedly, the effort wrought devastating effects on the ship’s complement. Some were described as “fused to bulkheads” while others seemed to shift between fragmentary temporal states, materializing and dematerializing at intervals.

WOOF hastens to add that substantial evidence indicates the so-called Philadelphia experiment never happened. That said, an equally substantial body of supportive reportage, testimony, research, books, films, and photos, argue the contrary case. We review the matter here without regard to its historic validity–which we neither dismiss nor maintain–because sources we deem reliable describe the ramifications of botched time-travel as “almost identical to those reported following the Philadelphia Navy Yard incident of 1943.” Obviously, the CIA required help, and the Russians weren’t offering any.

TIME FOR BIGELOW….

Confronted with his team’s inability to work out the complexities of “retrogression and retrieval,” as they called it, Director Brennan consulted President Obama, who in turn consulted then-Senate-Majority Leader Harry Reid, who in turn reached out to his friend, Robert Thomas Bigelow. The reclusive billionaire, hotel magnate, real-estate mogul, and founder of Bigelow Aerospace, wasted no time referring the matter to his best thinkers. Soon, a group of physicists, mathematicians, and experts on electromagnetism was detached from duties at Aerospace, and reassigned to the CIA time project. According to sources, the Aerospace scientists proved invaluable in adjusting the project’s time-penetrative characteristics. The result seemed to be a technology capable of retrogressing or projecting individuals through time, and retrieving them safely. It may well be imagined, therefore, with what astonishment the CIA’s team greeted news that despite so many promising advances, the project was cancelled.



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TIME BANDITS!

Even a cursory review might have alerted CIA to Robert Bigelow’s habit of co-opting projects by lavishing them with financial and technical support while establishing de facto control. Moreover, the billionaire’s well-known obsession with esoterica often led him far beyond his NASA-affiliated space projects. Bigelow’s delvings into the paranormal included his purchase of the so-called Skinwalker Ranch in Utah, (reputedly the site of almost daily supernatural phenomena), as well as his association with MUFON (the rather unfortunately acronymized Mutual UFO Network).

Bigelow no sooner purchased the mysterious Utah property, than he closed it to outside scrutiny, established intensive security ensuring his investigators sole access to the the location, and placed a moratorium on any further information emanating from the site. Similarly, MUFON’s affiliation with Bigelow Aerospace took a dyspeptic turn when Bigelow demanded access to MUFON’s investigative data as well as all records stored in MUFON’s Case Management System. This meant access to volumes of confidential information obtained from witnesses on the basis of anonymity. MUFON’s qualms, briefly mollified by a $672,000 contribution, soon flared afresh. The saucer group bolted the deal after eight months, blaming the split on Bigelow’s unsubtle push to seize control of their operations.

MONOPOLIZING TIME…

Bigelow’s people reportedly perfected the use of Closed Timeline Curves (CTCs)–select trajectories in space-time, which applied in conjunction with “an empirical self-consistency condition” not only permitted humans to visit the past, but also, by combining the process with the Iranian algorithm before the quantum system could enter the closed timeline curve, partially obviated the infamous “grandfather paradox.” In other words, the threat of altering the present by interacting with the past was not eliminated, but rendered manageable, provided interactions were limited to certain specified protocols. Given Bigelow’s close association with then-Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and thus also with President Obama, the transfer of time-travel technology to Bigelow’s auspices drew barely a murmur from CIA Director Brennan, who, as always, felt his sycophancy deeply.

TIMELY INVESTMENTS….

One consequence of Obama’s counter-intuitive privatization of the greatest scientific breakthrough of the century was its capricious misuse by progressive luminaries. Wealth, it appears, was often the first goal sought by the political class. The Clintons, by Hillary’s own admission, left the White House “dead broke.” For years they struggled until, sources insist, temporal manipulation (an adroit variation on the “grandfather effect”) enabled Hillary to return in time, advise herself to invest in cattle futures, and turn an initial $1,000 investment into $100,000 overnight. This occasioned the infamous Whitewater controversy. Critics pointed to odds of one-in-thirty trillion that such a windfall could be legitimately achieved. But investigators never unearthed evidence of wrongdoing. That’s because the SEC is ignorant of investment strategies that rely on manipulating the fabric of time. Nevertheless, timely interventions of the Whitewater variety enabled the Clintons to amass a considerable fortune. Once the results of such temporal rebooting became part of present-day reality, Hillary’s “dead broke” recollections seemed absurd, but properly understood, the Clintons were authentically broke, before they were always wealthy.

Barack Obama was himself an occasional chrononaut, although sources suggest that a relatively obscure intern, Ammar Campa-Najjar, was entrusted with much of the President’s time-traveling duties, visiting the past to make investments known to prove profitable in the future. Obama’s personal wealth upon entering the presidency was reported to be 1.3 million dollars. As president, he earned $400,000 annually, but left office eight years later with a personal worth of approximately forty million dollars. Similarly, Bigelow’s close friend Harry Reid, who earned $193,400 a year as Senate Majority Leader and who entered politics bereft of any personal savings, retired from office with an estimated at 10 million dollars. Critics expressed bewilderment at such windfalls. “You probably wouldn’t expect [Reid] to have millions in stock, bonds, and real estate,” declared Betsy Woodruff at National Review. Again, the use of “temporal regression and retrieval” went unsuspected, while allegations of graft and influence peddling flourished.

Sometimes, the capacity to advance or regress in time was treated as a lark. Obama, whose enthusiasm for basketball was advertised ad nauseam during his presidency, seemed positively prescient about the game’s players and their teams’ prospects. He particularly raised eyebrows when he excitedly blurted to ESPN sportscaster Bill Simmons, “I knew about Jeremy Lin before you did, or everybody else did!” adding, “I was there early!” The President’s claim struck most listeners as simply weird, but in fact, sources say, Lin’s meteoric rise as a New York Knicks point guard was observed during one of Najjar’s missions into the future.

TIME’S EDITORS….

T ime manipulation proved useful not only as a surefire investment method, but also as a means of adjusting certain elements of the past by erasing potentially embarrassing “artifacts.” A first effort at “artifact erasure” is rumored to have used temporal regression as a means of “disappearing” copies of John Kerry’s subversive book, The New Soldier, in hopes of altering the outcome of the 2004 election. Apparently, the results were unimpressive. Hillary may have launched a more successful effort at artifact suppression, resulting in the sudden unavailability of her Wellesley College thesis. Clinton’s thesis, which lionized the socialist radical Saul Alinski, was rendered non-existent during Bill Clinton’s 1992 election campaign. It became briefly available after the Clintons left the presidential mansion, vanished again during Hillary’s senate campaign in New York, and once again during the run-up to the election of 2016. It may never be fully known how many incursions into space/time were required to to achieve these results.

Insiders claim similar methods were employed to render Obama’s first book invisible. Originally titled Race and Inheritance, the manuscript amounted to a radical, anti-White diatribe in which Obama vilified America as a “fascist nation” while representing himself as a morally superior Kenyan. The book was virtually eradicated by specially trained chrononauts who performed their work well enough that even today, it is widely believed the book never went to the printers. But the time tamperers missed a spot. Publicity accompanying the book’s release was not targeted. This oversight allowed considerable evidence of the book’s publication to survive in the linear time line, and samples were discovered by non-DNC-affiliated journalists despite establishment media’s feverish efforts to conceal them. In 1991, for instance, the literary agency Acton & Dystel released publicity fliers for the book, stating, “Barrack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.”

Time-travel may also account for Obama’s social security cards. The existence of multiple, or contending cards has long been grist for the rumor mills, besides which, one of Obama’s cards reflects residency in Connecticut, where he never lived (at least in terms of our parochial reality). Snopes, as always, did yeoman’s work in rationalizing the evidence, but even the redoubtable Snopes was forced to conclude, “Why Barack Obama’s Social Security card application might have included a Connecticut mailing address is something of a curiosity, as he had no known connection to that state at the time.” Time, of course, is the operative word—but Snopes is not in the loop!

Similarly, prolonged demands and frantic searches for Obama’s birth certificate turned up nothing, until one day the certificate simply materialized. Why on earth, many wondered, did Obama endure so much criticism and suspicion for so long, before handing it over, and why couldn’t anyone—even the pro-Obama governor of Hawaii—locate it sooner? The certificate’s image stirred additional suspicion owing to a variety of anachronistic features ranging from its fresh appearance to its categorization of Obama’s father’s race as “African” when the choices in 1961 were limited to White, Asian or Negro.

F or that matter, every effort to secure Obama’s selective service registration through freedom-of-information requests met a brick wall until it, too, suddenly sprang to the fore. Critics noted discrepancies in the form, including a document location number suggesting the form was created sometime after 2008, and the fact that Obama’s Signature is dated later than the postal stamp certifying it. Naturally, critics cried foul—insisting the documents were blatant forgeries; but time manipulation offers a better understanding. The peculiarities in both documents suggest they are recently created and “regressed” artifacts, meaning they appear to have been inserted into the linear timeline, for whatever reason(s), by chrononauts. While the items now exist as locatable documents dating from the appropriate historic periods, indications suggest they did not exist, as such, until recently. Put plainly, they weren’t there until they were put there, but once put there, they were there all along. In fact, a proper understanding of the multi-continua suggests that Obama may even have been born in Hawaii and Kenya– but more about that in a moment.

Sources suggest that Elizabeth Warren, the last female Democrat senator to withhold her endorsement from Hillary in 2016, was induced, finally, to join Clinton’s camp by promises that Warren’s Indian Problem (for want of a better phrase) was solvable by means available to Clinton and her confederates. While not herself privy to the developments surrounding time travel, sources say Warren was assured a means existed by which her false claims of Native American heritage could be expunged, or at least rendered less volatile. According to sources, Warren was particularly anxious to avoid embarrassment stemming from her idiotic 2012 cookbook, Pow Wow Chow: A Collection of Recipes from Families of the Five Civilized Tribes. The book, in which Warren repeatedly misidentified herself as Cherokee, offered an assortment of her favorite Cherokee family recipes, including such indigenous tribal fare as “Crab with Tomato Mayonnaise Dressing.” It didn’t help that Warren’s cooking instructions were plagiarized word-for word from Pierre Franey’s recipes from Le Pavilion, a swank French restaurant in Manhattan, never known to be frequented by Cherokees. Some reports suggest efforts analogous to those used to remove Hillary’s thesis from scrutiny were undertaken, but fumbled. Others insist the Clintons spoke with forked tongue, dropping their promise as soon as Warren’s endorsement was tendered. Whatever the case, enough copies of Pow Wow Chow survive that the news media are kept busy obfuscating their existence.

JOHN KERRY VERSUS THE “MULTI-CONTINUA”



Experts tell WOOF a particularly perplexing aspect of time travel involves the accidental generation, of “multi-continua.” In simpler terms, unconventional movement through time often encounters, or even generates, parallel realities–a fact best accounted for by elements of string theory. Further, it appears that such realities, or continua, often overlap. In some instances, subjects experience bi-location. When the phenomenon involves a public person, the resultant discrepancies can generate controversy. In his capacity as Secretary of State, John Kerry was hastened to Egypt as the administration’s point man, tasked with standing staunchly at the side of embattled President Mohammad Morsi. But even as Obama waxed grandiloquent about Kerry’s steadfastness in Cairo, Kerry was simultaneously photographed sunning himself aboard his yacht in Massachusetts. Bilocation was clearly in evidence, but the press, having no grasp of the concept, assumed duplicity. Similarly, Kerry’s vibrant declaration that spending Christmas in Cambodia on a secret CIA mission was forever “seared” into his memory, despite evidence and testimony proving he never entered Cambodia, point to a mnemonic effect common in time travelers. Critics scoffed at Kerry’s florid mendacity, but, as one expert tells WOOF, “the duplicate appearances depict phenomena occurring or co-occurring without regard to linear or lateral dicta…and the memories become entangled and often indistinguishable.” Bigelow Aerospace technicians dubbed this effect, “existential fragmentation.”

TEMPORARILY DEAD….

T he most daring use of time travel, and the most remarkable example of its capacity to reconstitute events leading up to those we regard as current, was reported by sources close to Bigelow Aerospace who insist that in 1996, during a visit to Tulia, Bosnia, First Lady Hillary Clinton was shot by a Bosnian sniper, and died on the tarmac. In a particularly heroic instance of temporal manipulation, chrononauts trained exhaustively for the mission were regressed in time, tasked with fending off the tragedy. By subtly readjusting certain, seemingly insignificant details at a point just prior to the First Lady’s arrival, the team was able to alter subsequent conditions, thereby creating a future in which Mrs. Clinton was in fact able to land, participate in a welcoming ceremony, and proceed unscathed to bolster the morale of U.S. troops in the region.

Bigelow’s team was later determined to be suffering physical and psychological effects so severe that additional missions of a similar nature were ruled out pending improvements in the technology. Hillary too suffered some obvious effects, including a classic moment of existential fragmentation that beset her during a 2008 campaign speech in which she inadvertently conflated disparate continua, telling her audience, “I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.” In that continuum, however, she lost her life, until events were altered to ensure her survival.

Mrs. Clinton was lambasted for the remark. Even the HUFF POST mocked her, snarling that even by Clintonian standards, the “lie…was an outlier…she lied with no need to do so. And she made the story up out of whole cloth.” I n fact, caught betwixt two mnemonic realities, Hillary had inadvertently confused them in a public forum. Since pointing this out to the press was impossible, Mrs. Clinton was forced to fall back on a standard political evasion, telling reporters “I misspoke.” Ironically, a mission undertaken to save Mrs. Clinton with a view toward electing her president, contributed–owing to her public display of existential fragmentation–to her loss to Barack Obama. Examples abound of Leftist luminaries whose experiences are similarly confounded. Because the technology was initially considered safe by its keepers, many inner-circle liberals participated in temporal regressions (and advancements) more nonchalantly than subsequent findings warrant.

TIMING BENGHAZI

S ome timeline glitches are so subtle, they pass nearly unnoticed. When the Obama Administration–represented by the likes of Leon Panetta and Jeremy Bash explained that a military rescue was not mounted during the Benghazi massacre because it “couldn’t have arrived in time to save the Ambassador and other U.S. personnel” killed or wounded in the debacle, the point seemed superficially reasonable. Military experts crowded the news channels voicing agreement. Only a handful of especially perspicacious commentators raised the question: How could the military know how long the battle would last–until it was over? The answer, of course, was time travel. The military was not itself in possession of such capabilities, but Valerie Jarrett, Obama’s chief of staff, who supervised the entire Benghazi non-response, was in communication with the President and Mrs. Clinton who were managing time-probe reconnaissance at the device’s secret location in North Las Vegas, Nevada. This accounts for Obama’s and Clinton’s widely criticized absence during the crisis, as well as their certainty that dispatching forces was pointless.

A KENYAN SPENDS TIME IN A FASCIST NATION…

President Obama seemed especially susceptible to “trans-continual seepage,” meaning he confused past realities with alarming frequency, despite engaging in relatively little personal time travel. No doubt, in some contiguous portion of the multiverse, his parents met at the march in Selma–as it occurred in that particular version of existence–and the event seeped into Obama’s mnemonic faculties during time regression, which warps time/space in ways that seem to render the boundaries between separate realities permeable. Similarly, in some multiversal version of America, there may be 58 states of the Union, explaining candidate Obama’s frazzled remark, “I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.” He may similarly have suffered “seepage” during his speech at the New Economic School in Moscow during where he told the graduating class,” I don’t know if anybody else will meet their future wife or husband in class like I did, but I’m sure you’ll [sic] all going to have wonderful careers.” Obviously, Obama derived no advantage from spewing baldfaced lies, yet readers of The Audacity of Hope (who, admittedly, constitute a tiny percentage of its purchasers) will recall Obama’s own words, “I met Michelle in the summer of 1988, while we were both working at Sidley & Austin, a large corporate law firm based in Chicago.” In our current, consensual reality, Michelle wasn’t even attending Harvard when Obama was there. The seeming irrationality of claiming otherwise, correctly understood, is persuasive evidence that Obama was innocently conflating memories he’d absorbed from an adjacent reality, while challenging the bonds of time and space.

Susceptibility to the effects of multi-continual conflation also best accounts for Obama’s tendency to pepper assurances of his Christianity with recurrent references to his “Muslim faith,” since within the enmeshed multiverse, these discrepancies may reflect co-occurring realities. This may be equally true of Obama’s place of birth, about which he often vacillates in a manner highly symptomatic of existential fragmentation. For example, during his 2018 tour of Africa, he told the citizens of Kenya, “Now, three years ago, I visited Kenya as the first sitting American president to come from Kenya.” For that matter, Michelle Obama referred more than once to Kenya as Obama’s “home country.” In 2012, a bewildered Beth Stebner writing for The Daily Mail, marveled that “Barack Obama was still ‘Kenyan born’ in 2007….two months after announcing his bid for the U.S presidency.” Again, commentators ignorant of time travel’s mnemonic repercussions, mistook a leading liberal’s conflated memories for evidence of deception.

THE FRODO FACTOR….

Such lapses served warning that even the man the Washington Post dubbed “the smartest kid in the class,” and whom billionaire Julian Robertson praised as the “smartest person in any room he walks into” could fall victim to existential fragmentation. It became increasingly apparent that despite the best efforts of technicians at Bigelow Aerospace, the mentally and physically injurious effects attributed to the victims of the Philadelphia experiment remained an issue for users of the Bigelow time device. Physical materialization fusing travelers with other solid forms was resolved–eliminated by algorithmic adjustments, but other degenerative effects resulting from repeated time travel remained a concern. Few if any of the leftist panjandrums with access to the machine knew of the Philadelphia Experiment, but the accretive difficulties associated with Bigelow’s device were becoming undeniable. These physical and mental symptoms were dubbed “the Frodo effect,” an apparent reference to Tolkien’s ring trilogy in which reliance on a magical ring slowly diminishes the hero’s self-hood and rationality. As in Tolkien’s saga, these effects develop slowly–but the symptoms grow in intensity with recurrent use.

BIDEN TIME

T he effects first became apparent in Joe Biden, an enthusiastic time traveler, whose mental deterioration reached undeniable levels following several failed sojourns into the past, beginning with an unsuccessful effort to restore his 1987 presidential campaign after he was caught plagiarizing a speech by British Labourite Niel Kinnick. The effort not only failed, but is rumored to have gone desperately wrong when Biden, who insisted on undertaking each mission personally, overstayed the protocol and became locked in a seemingly irreversible Closed Timeline Curve. Feared doomed to cycle and recycle through past centuries eternally, Biden was finally recovered owing to heroic efforts by Bigelow’s time team, who, after several failed attempts, managed to reconfigure the “curve” long enough to facilitate Biden’s retrieval. But the effects on Biden were described by one witness as “horrifying.” Nearing the end of Obama’s second term, Biden’s neural and cerebral impairment became so extensive, he was denied further access to the device by Bigelow and a cadre of highly placed Democrats read into the project.

But Biden’s symptoms gave no hint of remittance. Concern mounted during the 2008 campaign, when Biden told Katie Couric, “When the stock market crashed in 1929, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television.” Biden vividly recalled viewing the telecasts, which, he recalled, inspired the nation. Of course, in our “parochial” timeline, FDR wasn’t president when the market crashed, and television, though in rudimentary stages of development in the late 1920s, was first broadcast to the handful of Americans who actually owned TV sets in 1941. Like Hillary, Biden was conflating mnemonic glimpses of contiguous but separate realities–the most common symptom of existential fragmentation. Biden suffered a similar episode In Iowa, on the topic of mass shootings. “Those kids in Parkland came up to see me when I was vice president” he told reporters, but the Parkland Florida shootings took place in 2018. The vice president then, as now, was Michael Pence…except, presumably, in whatever parallel continuum took seed in Biden’s consciousness while he traversed the chronosphere. Biden next sought to drive home the violence of the radical ’60s by recalling the tragic deaths of “over 40 students shot during a…Vietnam War protest at Kent State.” In fact, only four students died in the Kent State shootings, which occurred in 1970. Evidently the event was far bloodier and somewhat earlier in some contiguous ontology.

“Not a joke!”

As recently as August 28th of this year, Biden told a New Hampshire audience that while vice president he ventured into war-torn Afghanistan despite myriad efforts to dissuade him, to pin a medal on a Navy captain. “We can lose a vice president,” Biden recalled saying, “We can’t lose many more of these kids. Not a joke.” Despite the Captain telling him “Sir, I don’t want the damn thing!” Biden said he pinned a silver star on the officer, telling his audience, “This is the God’s truth, my word as a Biden.” Even the Washington Post admitted, “almost every detail in the story appears to be incorrect.” The best face the Post could put on the matter was calling it a “story of bravery, compassion and regret that never happened.” But that assessment is restricted to events isolated within our perceptible timeline. While the Post story concludes: “Biden got the time period, the location, the heroic act, the type of medal, the military branch and the rank of the recipient wrong, as well as his own role…” an understanding of time travel’s inherent risks suggests Biden was simply recalling memories from adjacent realities blurred into a single recollection, typical of the Frodo effect.

Similarly, Hillary Clinton’s symptoms of trans-continual seepage worsened frighteningly. She began telling audiences her mother named her in honor of Sir Edmund Hillary–the first man to climb Mount Everest–whereas, in her native temporal continuum, she was born six years before Sir Edmund achieved the summit. The New York Times rushed to assure readers the error resulted from “a sweet family story her mother shared to inspire greatness in her daughter,” but here again, ignorance of the actual phenomenon driving Clinton’s “misstatements” prevented the media from exonerating Hillary on the basis of Frodo Effect. Clinton continues to experience such trans-continual enmeshment, telling radio listeners that her daughter, Chelsea, witnessed “911” while standing at ground zero, insisting that in 1975, she, Hillary, attempted to join the Marines, and recalling . Such bizarre assertions added up to a lengthy list of what seemed pointless prevarications–labelled lies by critics who could not be expected to know, or even imagine, the truth. It seemed one of the unanticipated risks of time travel was that politicians who engaged in it emerged with scrambled memories and a tendency to bilocate–however rarely and inadvertently–and in a world with no awareness of time manipulation, this caused liberal politicos to be perceived as hypocrites and pathological liars. The risks were quickly outstripping the benefits. Worse still, physical effects becoming apparent.

CANCELLING TIME…

It’s no secret that one of the several factors contributing to Hillary’s loss in 2016 was her inability to avoid frequent sprawls and tumbles in public. Many assumed she was drunk, while others suspected some horrible illness. Speculation about a stroke began when she testified about Benghazi sporing Coke-bottle-lens glasses. Her incessant coughing fits and her weirdly dissociative ramblings gave the impression of woman too unwell to be president. In fact, Hillary’s afflictions were classic symptoms of “Frodo Effect.” Besides the mnemonic confusion that accompanies existential fragmentation, Biden, too, was suffering physically. He displayed progressively severe speech difficulties, slurring, and ocular hemorrhaging. Harry Reid was so severely battered by a poorly executed transition from one continuum to another, he was forced to create a cover story–telling reporters he was injured by his exercise machine. While the media repeated Reid’s explanation unquestioningly, most Americans recognized it as transparent nonsense meant to obfuscate some hidden truth– but few could have imagined the truth behind Reid’s condition, and fewer still would have believed it.

Sources tell WOOF that in April of 2019, leading Democrats and several senior Aerospace project managers were summoned to an ultra-confidential meeting at the Washington D.C. headquarters of the Trilateral Commission, featuring a trio of top Commission officers including former U.S. Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security Affairs Joseph S. Nye. Some sources also place Cyrus Vance, Jr., at he meeting. The identity of the third Trilateralist remains unknown. What we can say with confidence is that the attending Democrats and project managers were quizzed for better than an hour and then flatly ordered to cease operations. It is our understanding, based on confidential reports made available exclusively to WOOF, that no Democrat has stepped forward or backward in time since April 19th of this year. Although efforts remain underway to substantially reduce or eliminate biophysical injuries linked to “Frodo Effect” as well as the risks of existential fragmentation and similar contiguous-reality trauma, informants assure WOOF that such modifications may require decades. Just as obviously, and far more worrisomely, they may not.

For the most part, media have remained authentically ignorant of the elite cadre of time-traveling liberals. Here and there, however, one finds hints to the contrary, as when FOX News noticed that during a February interview, candidate Hillary recited an analogy she’d “heard yesterday in Des Moines from a man [she was] was shaking hands with.” But FOX discovered the identical analogy, given by Hillary herself, quoted in The Des Moines Register three weeks earlier. Writing in MEDIAite, the perspicacious Alex Griswold deciphered the puzzle, explaining to his readers that “Hillary Clinton is a time-traveler, and she is the one who told herself the analogy when she traveled back in time yesterday.” Obviously Mr. Griswold had his sources. So, apparently, did paleo-liberal Jeff Greenfield. After observing one of Joe Biden’s more egregiously botched attempts to affect coherence, Greenfield, writing in Politico Magazine, enigmatically dead-panned, “the incident revealed something more fundamental about Biden…he’s a time traveler.”

D uring the 2016 campaign, Republican candidate Marco Rubio also made a veiled reference to the issue, telling Iowans,“The race for the future will never be won by going backward, it will never be won by hopping in Hillary Clinton’s time machine to yesterday.” Taken metaphorically, this seemed an odd sentiment coming from an ostensible conservative–taken literally, Rubio’s critique was eerily precise.

TIME OUT!

Some readers may find comfort in a cluster of unconfirmed Internet stories, [such as this one], claiming that Donald Trump also possesses a time machine. Trump’s device is reputedly based on long-classified research conducted by Nikola Tesla, and seized on the event of Tesla’s death by Trump’s uncle, John–an MIT professor and consultant to The National Defense Research Committee. John G. Trump allegedly took possession of Tesla’s files in 1943, bequeathing their secrets to his favorite nephew, Donald, sometime in 1985. WOOF has no means of confirming these stories at present, though many of the phenomena and effects described in relation to time travel are strikingly similar to those reported above.

Today, the Aerospace time machine occupies the rear of an oblong building in Nevada, built specifically to house it. Its technology-packed chamber is sealed by an airlock, atmospherically controlled and maintained at a constant 72 degrees Fahrenheit. The remainder of the building provides workspace for the army of scientists and technicians assigned to the device’s upkeep and modification. Work overhauling the device’s frequency settings, electromagnetic actuators, relays, and a host of additional apparatus, continues day and night. Can the horrendous effects of temporal regression be eliminated by Bigelow’s team? Will they tame the horrors known as Frodo Effect? And if so, will the progressive elites return to dabbling in the temporal continuum? Is there any defense against a future molded by progressive elitists engineering insidious adjustments to our past? As George Adamski liked to say, time will tell.