Jeff Cheshire

Depression is not a choice. One in six New Zealanders will experience it at some point of their lives and not only does it affect the person, but their family, friends and colleagues too.

Yet it remains one of the most misunderstood illnesses in today's society. Perhaps that is not surprising. Unless you have actually been through it, it is a hard thing to conceptualize.

It is like a parasite that latches onto your brain, controlling your thoughts and skewing your perceptions of the world. In conflict with this is another side of your mind, one which is completely your own and has the ability to see things rationally.

So often the parasite attaches itself so slyly though, that it has taken full effect by the time we realise it is there. Often it will take some convincing that it is not indeed your own mind, but something infesting itself inside of you, that is causing you to feel so horrible. The challenge then becomes ensuring that you remain in control, not that nasty parasite. Unfortunately that is easier said than done.

Depression affects all of us differently. There is no universal response to the disease, meaning there is also no universal cause or cure. That makes it hard to describe the exact nature of what it does to you.

But keep in mind the parasite analogy. It is the parasite that carries self-doubt, despair, hopelessness and all those other awful things associated with depression. It is what convinces you to do all sorts of irrational things, even though you know they are detrimental to you. It is also what convinces you that this is how you should feel, that it is good to feel depressed.

Your own mind, independent of this horrible parasite, knows better than all of this. It provides a more rational view of things. It allows you to think positively and give yourself credit for what you know you are good at. It is what stops you doing yourself harm and is what fights against the illness. Sometimes it is hard to remember, or even know that, it is there though.

At any one time, the balance an individual is experiencing will vary. Some days it will be their own mind that is more in control and allow them to seem to be having a good day. On others it will be the parasite that controls their thinking. Just how skewed that balance is will determine how great an affect it has.

Remember though, a depressed individual is still depressed, even when they appear happy. They are still having to actively repress that parasite in order not to slip back into a low, or sad, mood. It is not simply a case of feeling down the whole time, more the effort one has to make to not feel down.

That seems to be a common misconception and just how much effort it can take to repress the depression is something that is hard to explain.

Inevitably this results in depressed individuals being judged in negative ways. The problem is that those that are being judgemental often do not realize that they are doing this - often they do not even realize that there is anything to judge at all.

A common one that comes up is people asking you why you cannot just be happy, or that you need to "try harder". There is no doubt that these people have the best intentions for you, but in a lot of cases they are doing more harm than good.

To suggest that a depressed individual needs to try harder to be happy is to ignore the fact that every second of their life they are having to actively repress the depression. It is draining and sometimes it just becomes too much, as your mind will wander to other things.

When you are asleep for instance, sometimes you will have a dream that causes you to feel rather depressed upon awakening. Or when you have a lot going on, things might just get too much. Indeed sometimes you can focus all of your thoughts on shutting out the depression, but it still seeps through.

It is like being trapped in your own head. To suggest that someone is not trying hard enough for feeling low in these times discredits all of the work they have done to remain in control the rest of time.

Likewise telling them to "just be happy" is also simplifying a complicated issue. Not only does it suggest to the sufferer that it is simply a choice and they are choosing to feel depressed, it makes it seem like there should be an easy fix. Of course it is not as easy as just choosing to be happy.

It is a complex illness that can take a long time to first understand and then fight. Being happy on a consistent basis is the big challenge it poses and is what "getting better" really entails. Now you would not tell someone with another illness to just "get better", so why would you do so with depression?

At the same time the sufferer will no doubt appreciate the good intention. There is nothing better to do for someone with depression than simply being there for them. Take their mind off their issues. Do not allow them to fall into a black hole of isolation. Let them know that you will not judge them for having the illness, or for actions and behaviours the depression causes.

And then practice what you preach. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, especially to someone infested with something causing them all sorts of self-doubt. Show them beyond any doubt that you are on their side. Do not tell them you will not judge them and then get embarrassed by them if they act up in a group of friends, or get frustrated at them for being so difficult in terms of their feelings.

People like this can come across just as bad as those who will judge you to your face. The ones that claim you want to die, or are no fun, or seem to think you have no feelings because you are depressed. If anything these things hurt more to someone who is depressed; it reaffirms everything the parasite is telling them.

Depression is a tough beast and is far too complicated to explain in one article. But it is a start. I am no doctor, nor do I have any qualification in the psychology field. My views come solely from my own battle with mental illness and wanting to help others with their own battles.

The parasite analogy was one that helped me fight it. It was after going on medication that I realized that depression was not one with my mind. I learnt to fight against it, to control it, not to let it control me.

It took five years to reach that point of understanding. After that, it became far easier. I understood what I was trying to do and the more I practiced it, the easier it got to remain in control.