It's getting a little uncomfortable, isn't it? Creepy even. Watching Tony Abbott beat himself to death. It's coming to a point where Malcolm Turnbull is going to have to step in and deliver the killing blow, because some people are starting to feel bad about themselves for enjoying this too much. OK. Me. I'm starting to feel bad.

The low point of the week was of course the bizarre mugging-gone-wrong of Professor Gillian Triggs – an attempted assault which somehow led to the PM being trapped in a dark alley, dangling himself over a sewer grate by the ankles, while he repeatedly kicked himself in the head. An act of contorted violence that unfortunately drew attention away from his earlier stand-out performance delivering the National Insecurity Statement.

Abbott carefully established the tone by penning dozens of dangerous reporters away behind a security barrier borrowed from the Egyptian government's how-to manual on press control. Then, wrapped in so many flags he was less Prime Minster than he was deliciously patriotic tortilla, he delivered his warning of the grave threat posed to our national existence by Muhammadan windbags.

To recap: these are the things which, as of Monday, aren't really national security issues any more. There's the $50 billion submarine program that is currently less organised than a high school garage band. There's a $12 billion Stealth fighter program which is on track to deliver $12 billion worth of target drones for the Chinese air force to shoot down. Forget about escalating regional rivalry between China and India, the hyper powers of the 21st century, scrub the structural decline of the US as a military and economic guarantor, and let's move on from climate change and regime instability arising from the collapse of food and water. Not to mention security weapons of mass destruction proliferating among both state and non-state actors, deniable cyberwar operations by foreign powers and asymmetric threats to critical online architectures.