Dear Stacey (and every other military spouse reading this),

You're automatically called a "Dependent" simply by being my military spouse, per the U.S. Military Administrative Regulation definition. It's a funny thing how terms and definitions slip into our subconscious and influence our perspective. This one's worth picking a fight with.

"Dependent" is a pervasive term, that has spread into the mindset of our military community and beyond - leaving the "administrative definition" space it belongs and becoming at best, a lazy psychological view of your supportive/provider role in our marriage and family, and at worst, a selfish accelerator that drives our ego up the totem pole of self-importance.

I'm so sorry to admit that I've recognized that tendency in my own mindset at times.

You've continually sacrificed your physical comfort, self-identity, sleep, personal achievement, and sense of purpose in our marriage. And what's worse, you've sacrificed those things so that I could have all of them.

Whoever coined the term military "dependent" probably didn't pay much attention to Mr. Maslow in psychology class. I think it's time to revisit what humans actually need, and what we actually "depend" on for happiness.

Psychology MasterClass; What Humans Actually "Depend" On:

If this is the framework, I'd be hard pressed to argue that you're my dependent in any sense of the term. Let's review;

Physiological Needs (food, water, rest)

While I climb into bed early for the night, leaving you up with the kids, I justify it with an “early work day”. Even as I type this, you lay in bed trying to catch more than 15 minutes of sleep at a time, willingly taking care of our 3 week old and sick 2 year old so that I can go to work.

During the day you’ll juggle our 4 kids and bring me lunch and I’ll act dismissive and distracted, because what could possibly be more important than work? If this PowerPoint doesn’t get done, people will literally die. I simply don’t have time to talk to you.

When I get home, from a long, sacrificial day or service to my country at the office, you’ll have made dinner for the family and I’ll gladly thank you for it, digging in to the best part without noticing that you’re eating last, usually after it’s cold, because you’re helping the kids eat.

And on and on it cycles…..

Who’s needs are met here? Certainly not yours.

But the most important thing to remember is that you’re my dependent.

Safety (Security)

Tomorrow I’ll go to work in the same job, in a highly classified area behind 19 layers of vault-doors surrounded by the finest fighting force in the world and all their guns.

Tomorrow you’ll be working through 19 layers of DoD documents to try to get access to the base grocery store. You’ll be protecting our children, surrounded by strangers, in a new culture, in a new country, challenged with a new language and foreign nationals who think you suck at life because you don’t speak it.

I may or may not find out that I’m deploying to a combat zone tomorrow, and if I do, that’s awesome. It’s what I signed up for. It’s a chance to serve and sacrifice for the greatest country in the world.

You may or may not find out that you’ll be a temporary single mother tomorrow. And if you do, please remember to thank me for my service before I walk out the door.

Because the most important thing to remember is that you’re my dependent.

Love & Belonging (Intimate Relationship, Friends)

When I go into work, I’ll be surrounded by a group of professionals just like me all day, every day. We’ll dress the same, work together on the same goals, grunt unintelligible motivationisms to each other, keep one another’s morale up, and probably become lifelong friends.

When I get home, I’ll expect intimacy (with or without emotion). I’ll complain to you about anything negative that happened to me at work (usually related to not being able to achieve my personal goals quickly enough)

You’ll try to find emotional connection and support from me by telling me you feel alone, and that you’re having trouble making new friends.

This is of course absurd for two reasons;

First, there’s plenty of other military spouses you could make friends with (in the 15 minutes standing in line at the food court between bringing me lunch and registering those 19 DoD documents) while herding our four children.

Second; I’ll of course reject and dismiss your attempt at an emotional connection by reminding, unemotionally, that we already have one. I mean we’re married for goodness sake - you aren’t “alone”. Why are we having this conversation?

If this results in an argument, I’ll remind you that we can agree to disagree, but the important thing to remember is that you shouldn’t feel alone, because you’re my dependent.

Esteem (Feeling of Accomplishment)

This week I’ll be called in to advise a General on policy recommendations and strategy. I’ll work with Navy SEALs. I’ll mentor and train Marines and impress them with my warfighting skills on the gun range. I’ll feel great about myself and my contribution in service to my country.

It also feels great to have our local civilian community reinforce this – when we’re checking out at the store and the cashier sees your Military “Dependent” ID card, they’ll look right past you, right past our kids (two of whom you’re holding), and thank ME for my service.

I’ll probably zone out at dinner thinking about new accomplishments I can pursue as a career professional. I’ll go lock myself in the home office and leave you with the kids, because it’s the first day of class in my second Master’s degree. But it’s ok – every new personal accomplishment as the “breadwinner” only benefits our family and provides for us financially. And you should be grateful to keep the kids’ noise down while I slave away in my online discussion boards with peers.

Because please remember, you’re my dependent. I’m doing this for you.

Self-Actualization (Achieving One’s Full Potential)

Over the course of my career, I’ll stack up accomplishments and achievements. I’ll be awarded medals (don’t worry, I’ll let you pin them on me at each award ceremony!), and I’ll continue adding bullet points and milestones of self-actualization to my LinkedIn Profile. I’ll check the box “became everything I ever wanted to be” in the checklist. When I transition out of the military, I’ll probably experience a deep depression. Who wouldn’t? How do you go from “everything I ever wanted to be” to “stay at home dad/father” without feeling a tremendous sense of loss of identify after…

Oh….

Wait…

You aren’t listening. You’re trying to tap the LinkedIn App notification on your phone but can’t because there’s nail polish on the touchscreen from when you helped paint the girls’ toenails for their high school prom (while I was at work).

You know the LinkedIn reminder I’m talking about right?

The one that says:

“Your LinkedIn Profile is only 10% complete. Do you want to add a job, a license, a degree, or an accomplishment? Something more than just “loving wife and mother? That’s not everything ... right?”

I can help you, because you definitely forgot one….

Dependent.

Why pick a fight with the term? Because it’s a national security issue.

First of all, I’m entitled to pick a fight because I’m a veteran, and I’m ashamed to say that this has been my own mindset more times than I’d care to admit. So - dear offended veteran/service member - the fight I’m picking is first with myself.

But I’d suspect I’m not the only one. And it’s a national security issue.

America still maintains a 100% volunteer fighting force. The success of that force depends on the success of each individual service member, and if they’re married, the success of each marriage, each family.

The U.S. military’s success in recruitment, retention, and sustainability all rely on finding a way to balance the needs of each marriage as a unit, not just the service member. Our nation has service families, not service members. Barring my personal illness or injury in the line of duty (knock on wood), the scenarios described above point, yes, to my service record.

But it’s my military spouse who has made the bigger personal sacrifice. And she deserves the bigger credit and thanks.

A challenge for service members and call to action from Freedom Learning Group

In 2017 Stacey and I founded Freedom Learning Group to provide employment for the thousands of military spouses with advanced degrees who continually sacrifice job opportunities (and self-actualization needs) to follow their service members around the globe.

We’ve been privileged to with the opportunity to contract hundreds of military spouses as subject matter experts in their fields, contributing to the educational community. We’ve seen the balance in marriages shift, we’ve seen the health of relationships return, and we’ve seen military spouses build an organizational community that has launched our company into explosive growth as an educational service provider.

But we’re just a company. We can’t change the mindset of an entire nation, or the mindset within individual marriages.

You can.

If you’re a service member or veteran, I respect you for your service and sacrifice, and also challenge you to be better for the sake of your marriage. If God, Family, Country comes in that order, find more ways to serve your spouse than your country; it’s not mutually exclusive. Learn what they need. Find ways to serve them. Lead the charge in bringing balance back to your relationship. Be just as vocal about military spouse employment issues as they are. Fight bad Milspouse policy on their behalf. Go to family readiness groups with them. Watch the kids while they work on their degree (or work with Freedom Learning Group!)

If you’re a military spouse, thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for pushing through the hard days. Thank you for supporting and providing for your service member. YOU are who we 100% depend on to maintain a safe home, to raise kids that still love us even when we ignore them, to have somewhere to come back to after a long day at work or a long deployment. You love us through those changes and deserve more from us in return.

If you’re an American, recognize that no matter what’s written in “admin policy definition”, service member and military spouse dependent don’t define a military marriage. If you feel compelled to thank the military community, thank the service family as a whole and recognize the joint sacrifice made to our nation during their service.

And to my wife…

THIS is what real executive leadership looks like.

I don’t thank you enough.

Thank you for watching the kids while I type this out on our porch. I can hear the screaming inside and I’m glad I’m out here. Thank you for your sacrifice, each and every day, for both them and me. I’ll remind them of it often as they grow older, they don't know what they have in you.

Thank you for leading when I fail.

Thank you for your patience when I’m an idiot.

Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement on my tough days, and for your forgiveness when I don’t think to return it on yours.

Thank you for teaching me how to be a parent. I really suck at that sometimes.

Thank you for inspiring me, motivating me, and setting an example for me to try to follow.

Thank you for being my comfort, my joy, and my battle buddy on this crazy journey we’ve started together.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

Happy Military Spouse day. Happy Mother’s day weekend. I love you.





Sincerely,

Nathan

CEO, Marine, Professor, some other stuff, and recovering achievement addict.

Next achievements: Better husband. Better Father.

I've got some homework to do.