Mark Rosewater, head of Design at Wizards of the Coast, has released a statement in response to recent articles which have shown that it is currently more expensive to play Standard than at any point since Cawblade – and potentially even more expensive, when you consider the lack of available ‘budget’ alternatives.

MaRo (Mark Rosewater) addressed reporters in the secondary Wizards of the Coast ballroom, from atop his towering throne of fetchlands: “This expensive Standard format was no accident. Each piece was carefully considered; every ramification thoroughly studied – no decision on any card’s effect on Standard prices was made imprudently”.

A crown of Jaces atop his furrowed brow, MaRo continued: “These prices reflect the measure of your sin. For too long players have been enjoying the vibrant Standard format, with multiple viable tier 1 decks and a myriad of cheaper budget alternatives.”

“And how did players respond to this generous bounty, to my weighty benevolence? Did they stop to reflect upon their good fortune? Did they take pause to appreciate their idyllic circumstance, to show their gratitude, to pay homage to my tireless efforts? Did they spend even one measly second of their miserable pathetic lives thinking about something other than themselves? No! A thousand times NO!”

At this stage, you could have heard a Needle Drop. Only two things were echoing through the vast hall: MaRo’s panted breath, and Kenneth Nagle’s quiet whimpering – but the Tzar of Design was not done. He gathered himself up, the naked hatred on his face matched only by the fire in his voice: “For 12 straight months you did nothing but complain about Siege Rhino, week after week after week. Like pampered lapdogs, scrabbling pathetically at the bathroom door if I decide I want to be alone while I take a shit. I cannot even begin to comprehend your pathetic existences, how meek and shallow your lives; that Siege Rhino – SIEGE RHINO – of all cards should draw your ire.”

“Rest assured, your punishment will not end soon – Oath of the Gatewatch will not bring the relief you so desperately crave. Instead, a whole new colour combined with the completion of the creature-land cycle will push the price of a Standard manabase to completely unprecedented levels, and you can rest assured that there will be multiple format staples at Mythic. Only when you go to bed at night dreaming of winning the lottery just to compete in an FNM will your penance be complete.”

When asked what players had done to deserve Modern, a format so atrocious that even thinking about having to play causes anybody to retch, MaRo had this to say: “Oh, gosh, modern – what kind of monster do you think I am? That’s an honest mistake – you’ve done nothing to deserve that. You have my most abject apologies for my role in the creation of that misbegotten format. It is a stain on my soul that will never come clean, and I beg of you: please find it in your hearts to forgive me for Modern.”

As of publication, GAS has not forgiven Rosewater for Modern and we never will.

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