LEXINGTON, VA—Reacting to news Monday that his performance in last week’s domestic policy debate had significantly boosted his poll numbers and put him closer to the White House than ever before, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney reportedly spent the afternoon frantically trying to figure how the tax plan he has proposed could actually work. “Okay, now, think—there’s got to be a way we can make these numbers add up, there’s just gotta be,” a profusely sweating Romney reportedly told his advisers while furiously calculating how in the world he could institute an across-the-board 20 percent cut in the marginal tax rate while balancing the federal budget within a decade and giving the Pentagon $2 trillion it hasn’t even requested. “So the plan states that I can afford to lower taxes for middle-class Americans by closing loopholes and deductions, but even if I cap taxable deductions at $17,000 per family like it says here, that doesn’t even come close to paying for the cost of the $5 trillion in tax breaks, does it? Shit. Who’s got a calculator?” At press time, a visibly agitated Romney was considering calling President Barack Obama to see if he had any advice for tightening up the plan.

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