Trevor Noah

We’re now a week into mass social distancing, and “every day we’re learning something new,” said Trevor Noah from his couch in New York. “One, coronavirus is a serious disease. Two, it’s not just dangerous for old people, and three, your relationship was not as secure as you thought.”

And each day, Noah continued, Trump “reminds us why hiring him was America’s biggest mistake”.

The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) Why does Trump step up to the mic if he’s clueless? Stand in the back and be a hype man for the experts, my dude.



Full episode: https://t.co/7xp00O7r33 pic.twitter.com/mbSO4MwHWA

On Thursday, for example, Trump boasted that he both saw the crisis coming and didn’t know it would be serious. “I still don’t understand why Trump bothers stepping up to the microphone if he doesn’t know anything,” said Noah, advising the president to “just let the doctors and the scientists talk.

“Trump should just stand in the back like a hype man,” especially because when he speaks, he spreads bad information, such as his claim on Thursday that a coronavirus treatment drug was in progress. The head of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), Dr Stephen Hahn FDA, immediately refuted him at the conference. “If I could cover my face with my hands, I would, because this is the most embarrassing thing ever,” said Noah. “The FDA commissioner openly called the president out for making this shit up. That’s so embarrassing! He said it and then the guy was like no, that’s not the truth. This would be like your mother commenting under your Facebook post like ‘Just to be clear, Jeremy is not drowning in pussy. He’s currently in the basement playing Fortnite.’”

Trevor Noah: Trump is turning a pandemic into 'a fight about racism' Read more

Finally, Noah addressed stories of young people not taking social distancing seriously, pointing to news footage of spring breakers in Florida ignoring health recommendations to party on the beach. “Here’s the thing young people need to understand: yes, coronavirus is most dangerous for old people,” said Noah. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous for young people too. It can still get our ass into intensive care. It’s just more dangerous for old people.

“Think of it this way: I always talk about the New York Knicks being a bad NBA basketball team. But they’re bad relative to other NBA teams. But if you and your amateur-ass office team played against them, you’d be walking off the court,” said Noah, feigning tears.

“So get your shit together, young people. Coronavirus ain’t no joke,” he concluded, urging viewers to donate, if possible, to nokidhungry.org or, for NYC specifically, City Harvest, “and help kids get a good meal while their schools are shut down”.

Jimmy Kimmel

“It seems possible we could be cooped up for quite some time,” said Jimmy Kimmel from his couch in Los Angeles. “The government is now saying this could last 18 months or longer. Which, I’m not sure how many rolls of toilet paper that is, but I know I don’t have them. Eighteen months of quarantine means we’re about to see a lot of our friends’ real hair color.

“Listen, I just want to be out of this house before Blue Ivy graduates medical school,” Kimmel continued. At least one person is optimistic: “Our fearless misleader thinks the prognosis is good,” Kimmel said, noting Trump’s tweet on Thursday: “We are going to WIN, sooner rather than later!”

“What does that even mean?” asked Kimmel. “What are we going to win? We can’t even find eggs – what are we winning?”

Trump is also “really going all in with this ‘Chinese virus’ nonsense”, said Kimmel, pointing to a closeup shot of Trump’s press conference notes, in which he crossed out “corona” and wrote, in Sharpie, “Chinese”. The edit “means even his speechwriter was like, I’m not writing that. You want it, you change it yourself. Somebody needs to take his Sharpie away.”

At this point in the coronavirus crisis, Kimmel had just one message for the president: “Just shut up already and let the doctors take over. Seriously, you Trumped the shark. Go away.”

Jimmy Fallon

A day after delivering his monologue from his daughters’ playroom (with his adorable daughters in tow), Jimmy Fallon moved his makeshift Tonight Show to his front porch, with a tablet to provide on-demand laugh tracks. “I heard that Emergen-C – you know, the drink powder? – they’re telling people to not mix their product with booze to make quarantinis,” he said. “They were like, if you want a quarantini, that’s Nyquil, Dayquil and a splash of Tide Pod.

“But here’s some good news: today is the first day of spring,” Fallon added with a “Yay!” sound effect from the tablet. “Now Americans get to play a fun game: allergies or coronavirus?”

And finally, “the federal government has pushed back the tax deadline by 90 days – I think that’s a good idea because, trust me, once I run out of toilet paper, the next thing I’m grabbing is a stack of 1040s.”

Besides iPhone-filmed monologues, social distancing has also provided plenty of opportunities for late-night hosts to call up their celebrity friends. On Wednesday, it was an impromptu performance from Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda. Thursday, it was a call with actor Jennifer Garner to discuss her charity drive with Amy Adams to help feed children left without meals because of school closures.