Chapter 7: Forlorn Hopes

Anna had been terrified of returning to sleep for fear of returning to her nightmares, but fatigue won out. Elsa had scarcely settled her in bed before she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, and by the time she woke, morning had given way to the brightest hours of the afternoon. Everything from the previous night might have been a horrifying dream, to be dispelled by light spilling through the window. She wished that were the truth. Now that she knew it existed inside her body, she could feel that lingering heat trapped in her chest, lodged in the back of her throat, like an aftertaste of ash and decay. It was swimming in her blood. It was alive, maybe. Feeding on her as she had preyed on others.

She sat there in bed for a very long time, stilled, like the sculptured dead.

Elsa entered the room, carrying a tray with porridge, but Anna had no appetite to eat and Elsa likely suspected. She didn't bother to offer it, only laid it on the bed.

"What's happening to me?" Anna asked.

"I don't know. I wish I did." Elsa made a motion, like she was reaching for her hand, and then she withdrew and placed her hands in her lap. "But we'll get through this. We just have to keep trying."

"I'm tired of trying."

She had been trying ever since she left the Southern Isles. She had been trying even before then, ever since she left Arendelle, ever since her mother had left her in an emptied castle. She had tried to be strong, and she had even let herself start to believe that she was strong—until she'd felt true strength, during those nauseating memories of ice on her breath, lightning at her fingertips. Anna still remembered that exhilarating freedom, and she feared it with all the meager power left in her wasting body. She feared strength just as much as she despised her weakness.

"Judus has requested that we go to the Temple. Just like Sol said he would," Elsa said. "If you don't want to go, then I'll turn it down—"

"No. If there's anything that can be done— Or just anything I should know, I...I want to know." Anna exhaled a pent-up breath. "Alek helped me, I remember that from last night. Where…?"

"He's here."

"I don't want to see him. Not yet, I don't think I can—"

"I know. I think he understands too."

"…Thank you, Elsa."

Silence for a little while. More for the sake of filling that silence with something, Anna reached for the porridge and scooped up a spoonful. It was a good consistency, not too watery, not too thick. Porridge was like that, good and easy to eat. She wouldn't even need to chew. Like a child confined to her sickbed. She felt overwhelmingly grimy, she realized. Like her skin was oily and her hair was unwashed, only that wasn't true. It'd be better if it was, because then she could at least do something about it.

"What do you think Judus wants from me?" Anna asked.

"Whatever he wants, don't trust him," Elsa said, open derision slipping into her voice. "But at least he's predictable. If he wants something, he's going to offer something for us, too."

"Do you…know him?"

"I've met him before. When Markus was…still around. Judus came to the Southern Isles as an ambassador once or twice." Elsa shrugged off the mention of Markus, but her nonchalance was forced. "I don't think he knew I had magic, but he offered to take me in to the Order as an apprentice. Markus refused, of course. I don't even want to know what he had planned for me."

Anna pushed the porridge away. "But…I don't see what I would have to offer him."

"I wouldn't worry about that just yet," Elsa said. "Let's just see what he has to offer you."

Anna couldn't imagine anything at all.

Rapunzel was accompanying them; King Friderich, apparently, wanted her to relocate to the Temple. For her safety, he said. Because the Order was powerful and well-guarded, and all of its members capable warriors, and Rapunzel could even learn while she was there. Elsa had not commented, but Anna could sense her skepticism, and she privately thought that the castle was itself well-guarded enough that the move was redundant. Maybe Friderich had other reasons.

"I'll lead the way," Rapunzel said, and she went ahead, uncaring of any potential danger even after the last incident. Anna wondered if she would ever change. Elsa watched her carefully, either because she had been tasked with her safety or, maybe, just out of concern.

It was an easy path, and the only real difference from their last excursion together was that the streets were just a little less full, a little less loud. Not enough to be empty or quiet. Of course, no one thought that anything bad would happen to them. Bad things, extraordinary things, happened to other people. Just like Anna had never imagined her cloistered life in Arendelle would ever come to a close.

"Can you tell me about the Order?" Anna asked.

"Oh, sure." Rapunzel slowed her steps until she was walking in stride with the two of them, and Elsa relaxed. "Well, the full name is the Order of the Rose. It's an elite fighting force, meant to keep the peace, investigate criminal cases, that sort of thing. But Papa told you that it was established by my great-grandfather, right? Three generations ago. Sir Judus has been in charge since then. Honestly, I'm not too sure on the specifics but I think, back then, the Order was kind of…shady...?"

"They were a covert operations unit," Elsa finished, and Rapunzel nodded enthusiastically. "It started as the king's personal bodyguards, and then it developed into a military organization that could prosecute anyone without judicial authorization. Essentially, they could arrest or interrogate or torture whoever they wanted, on the basis that they wanted to."

"Wow, that sounds…" Anna grimaced.

"Yeah." Rapunzel looked uncomfortable, but of course she did. It was her history. "It sparked a rebellion, and then the Order was scaled down. Nowadays, it has to follow procedures and…things." She grinned sheepishly. "I should probably know more about this, I know, but trust me! Things are different now."

Elsa scoffed, and Anna knew she was thinking about the display back in the marketplace, when that girl, Gwen, had practically started a public uproar because of brutality. Anna was skeptical that people really wanted the Order around at all, but she could be judging based on one incident. There had been that other boy who dragged Gwen away. She didn't know what to think anymore. She would have to wait and see—though she didn't have to wait long. Very soon, they had stopped in front of the Temple.

It was called the Temple of the Light. In the farthermost reaches of the city, removed from the air of the common world, the temple seemed consecrated in its own holy dimension. Temple was a misnomer. In layout, it resembled a monastery, and in sheer scale, it resembled a palace. Its outer walls were buttressed by towers, and the cloister church inside was tall, supported by high arches and spires; but there was serenity to it despite the imposing size, perhaps because of the gentle quiet, the fountain of calm waters that surrounded the path, on which the image of the castle was reflected. Multiple buildings were inside the complex, all within a vast courtyard and a bordering of cypresses that cast solemn shadows onto the white-grey stone walls.

Emblazoned above the doors, at the perfect center of the temple, was the image of a golden flower.

Anna approached, noticing two stone mastiffs that stood on either side of the doors. As she passed them, there was the slightest hint of movement – the faintest crick of their necks in her direction, the smallest sound of their noses twitching – and Anna understood why there were no gates. Elsa, too, must have noticed. Rapunzel was the only one to go through the doors without a care, and together, they entered the church that stood front and center in the verdant courtyard.

As soon as she passed through, Anna felt like she couldn't breathe. There was a pain inside her chest, behind her eyes, that wouldn't go away. A reminder of a past that wouldn't go away.

Inside, the high altar reminded Anna too much of another place, another time.

What you think is your true face…the face behind the mask…is that really…your true face?

"Anna!"

She was yanked back to reality by a hook and thread, and it felt like her skin was tearing away. She was suddenly aware of where she was again, like a blindfold had been torn off her eyes. She wasn't in the Southern Isles. She wasn't in that chapel. And the person in front of her now was not Edmund, but—

"Sol!" Rapunzel cried.

Anna stared in disbelief. Sol was indeed kneeling there at the front of the hall, though she was not facing the altar but instead towards them, smiling as easily as though she were born here, in this temple. In some ways, she did almost blend in with the temple as though she were an extension of it. She might even have been the figure of the high altar, if only she were not flesh and blood. Instead she was seated at a low table where an entire tea set had already been laid out, and cushions placed all around, and she gestured for them to sit. Rapunzel readily claimed a seat, and Elsa helped Anna to hers before sitting.

"Why are you everywhere we go?" Elsa said.

"Master Judus should be getting here pretty soon," Sol said. "I was told to receive you, and…I really hope there aren't any bad feelings between us, about last time we met. I was only testing you, Elsa."

"How strange, that you have a different excuse every time."

"Oh, come on, don't start arguing," Rapunzel said, giving Sol a tentative smile. "It's good to see you again, though. I didn't even have a chance to thank you properly last time."

"It was the right thing to do. Isn't that what you told me?" Sol smiled, and it was a quieter, gentler one than Anna had seen her give anyone else. "I'll make us something to drink."

"Sol," Anna said, and she paused. "You…didn't say anything about being in the Order."

"Well, I'm technically not! Just like Rapunzel technically isn't, even though she learns here now and then." Sol tapped her chin, humming for a little while. "Everyone here is ranked, Student, Apprentice, Knight...I'm not anything, so I'm below everyone else. I'm just Master Judus's personal assistant."

"His personal prize, you mean," Elsa said.

"W—e—ll," Sol answered, slowly, "Queen Elsa would know all about being a prize."

Anna gripped Elsa's hand tightly, and she could practically feel Elsa restrain herself from simply reaching across the table and strangling Sol. She understood Elsa's suspicion, even her dislike, but the ease with which Elsa could develop the intent to kill, to hurt —Elsa was not changed from what she had been, the force of nature that had ruled an eternal winter. Her only difference, now, was that she was willing to choose not to fall to the temptation of her powers. It was an easy path to take, Anna knew. With that power at their fingertips, they could reach out and take whatever they wanted, destroy what they hated.

Sol did not seem perturbed. She wasn't even looking at Elsa anymore, instead tending to her tea with such precise care that she must have done this hundreds of times. There was a small cauldron resting on a bed of coals, and as the water boiled inside, she began to speak again.

"It's hard to boil water correctly. At the first boil, the water bubbles, like fish eyes. At the second boil, the water simmers like a spring, and the tea will be at its finest." Sol crushed in the tea leaves, and they neither floated at the water's surface nor sank to the bottom. Instead they circled the middle, tossed about in the vortex. "But at the third boil, the water surges and seethes…and then the water will be past its prime. It becomes old and stagnant…and can't be used. But lots of things are like that. Aren't they?"

Sol ladled the tea into several clay bowls and passed them over one by one. It was nice, Anna thought, deep, golden brown and relaxingly fragrant. When she drank, the tea did not scald her tongue like she had expected, but was instead at a perfect temperature.

"I'm glad you know to savor the little things before just gulping it all down," Sol said, beaming.

Rapunzel guiltily pushed her empty bowl away.

"Will Judus be here any time soon?" Elsa asked. "You said there was a way to help Anna, and that's the only reason I'm here. If he's not going to show up, then we're leaving."

Sol rose and bowed.

Anna turned to see Judus entering the temple, and just like the last time she had seen him, his movements were powerfully confident. It made sense here, of course. From what she knew, the Temple of Light, the Order of the Rose, was as much his kingdom as Corona was to King Friderich.

Judus nodded, and Sol returned to her seat. Instead of taking a seat himself, he remained standing. Clearly he saw Rapunzel, but he made no sign to bow or even address her at all, and Rapunzel made no mention of this oversight. She hardly seemed to notice.

"Thank you for your patience, Princess Anna," Judus said. "I realize that you are all acquainted with Sol, hence my request for her to accompany you while I took care of other matters."

"And how did you find this one?" Elsa asked.

Judus smiled coldly. "Well, I think that's a story for another time. As you said, aiding Princess Anna is our top priority."

Anna leaned forward. "So there's really a way? If there's anything that can help get rid of this magic—"

"If you will look to the depictions above us." Judus gestured towards the stained glass windows, each one intricately crafted. Especially in the twilight hours, the light filtered through like a dawning halo. Colors and lights combined and burned like flames, illuminating the stories annealed in their glass panes.

"Of course, you are familiar with the story of the Mirror which originated from a drop of moonlight," Judus said. Anna resisted the urge to flinch. One of the windows showed the Mirror, surrounded by destruction as its surface reflected a dark heart. "Those who misused its powers wreaked havoc on the world. And, incidentally, were banished to the Southern Isles. I suppose they did not learn their lesson."

Elsa frowned but said nothing.

"Unknown to many is the second half of the story. While the moon gave rise to the Mirror, the sun, also, bore a gift to mankind." On the second window was a drop of sunlight descending from the sky, through the rich soil—and then it emerged from the earth, a golden flower which shone through the darkness. It was gloriously beautiful. Yellow-orange petals glowed so brightly that it seemed to burn with light. Lilac veins stenciled outwards in a star-shaped pattern. Even Sol's paradisiacal garden could not compare.

"It was aptly named the Golden Flower. A boon to the earth, capable of regeneration and healing where the Mirror ruined and destroyed." On the third window, the ruined world was renewed. Where there had only been darkness, the light pushed it back, and the verdant green of forests and woods returned. "Kings of old used the Golden Flower to mend the schisms of the twisted earth and repel the darkness of the burned sky. And to heal the sickness…that overtook the hearts of men."

There it was, on the window, men and women who were bathed in light and were well again, free from the darkness. Anna had heard and seen enough. It could counteract the Mirror. With the Golden Flower, she could reverse everything that had happened to her and she could finally, finally, be free.

"Where is it?" Anna asked. "That Golden Flower— Where—?"

"Gone," Sol said.

Gone. What was the point of hearing that whole story, then? Anna wanted to rage and curse and do something to vent off the hopelessness snuffing out her breath. But she couldn't even move.

"Don't worry," Sol continued. "Master Judus didn't invite you here for nothing."

Judus nodded. "After the shattering of the Mirror, the Golden Flower also wilted and scattered its petals across the world. It's true that no one has been able to locate and reunite them, but…I believe you can."

"Why Anna?" Elsa asked. "What are you planning, Judus?"

"Because the Mirror and the Flower are opposite and equal…and also linked," Sol said. "They were created together, and they vanished together. We think that when Anna used the Mirror to touch the world, she would have sensed the Flower. If she can tap into those memories…"

"Wait, Anna…used the Mirror…?" Rapunzel had been silent all this time, no doubt having heard the story before. Now she turned her gaze to Anna. Her eyes were wide with shock, disbelief, and – Anna saw it. She was afraid. She was remembering a distant vision, one she had thought an imagined nightmare, and realizing that the white-haired queen garbed in shining, silver armor had been Anna.

"Anna isn't going to be your human map," Elsa spat. "I won't allow you to play with her mind. Those times are in the past, and they're going to stay there. You don't even know if she saw anything—"

"I did."

She had. Anna remembered it now, her visions when the shadow magic awakened. She had seen flashes of a golden flower, the Golden Flower. And before that, standing at the top of a tower, witnessing the end of the world, she had seen it. Each individual petal, transformed into a smaller flower and scattered across the world like seeds. It hurt to even think about that time. There was a persistent pain behind her eyes, like something was stabbing through her eye sockets. She bowed her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

"It's for the greater good," Judus said. "If Anna acquires the Flower, she can, of course, rid herself of her affliction…and she can use it to heal those afflicted with serglige as well. All will be well again."

"Are you going to go along with this, Anna?" Elsa asked hurriedly.

It didn't take a genius to know that Judus was using her to find the Flower, but Anna couldn't see any negative to it. She wanted, needed, to be free of this darkness. She couldn't live like this anymore, with the constant reminder of her death. Because that was what it was, wasn't it? She had been killed, that time. When Edmund possessed her, he had killed her spirit. Once he left her body, she was left a shell.

"I'll do it," Anna murmured.

"Anna—"

"Elsa, I need to do this." Anna met her eyes. Elsa was pleading for her to refuse, but she'd already made her decision. Just this once. She had her own path, and she was going to take it. "It's like you said before. I – I need to do this, and if the Order can help me…"

"Excellent." Judus smiled. "In that case, Anna, you can stay at the Temple. Our facilities will be helpful to your physical recovery, I'm sure, and if you would like, our instructors would be more than happy to prepare you for battle. Once you are ready to set out, then all of our resources will be at your disposal."

Judus reached out and, as Sol looked on with a smile, Anna took his hand.

"You're upset with me."

They were in their new quarters within the Temple of Light, one of the rooms within the dormitory for students and knights, and Anna knew that Elsa resented being under someone else's command. Rapunzel was in the room next to theirs, having retreated immediately after the meeting and saying nothing more to Anna. After promising to give them a tour the next day, Sol had left to no one knew where. Anna and Elsa were left to their own devices, and as Elsa angrily examined their new surroundings, Anna had finally broken the silence.

"I'm not upset with you," Elsa said.

"You are."

"I'm not." Elsa sat at the table set in the middle of the room, pouring herself a cup of water and downing it. "I'm just worried. I understand why you want to do this, but…"

"You said to see what Judus could offer us," Anna said. "And right now, he's offering us a solution. Elsa, I can't live like this anymore. You deserve better than – this – whatever I've become. I'm not happy. I can't make you happy. There's something broken inside, and if this can fix me, I…I need it."

"Nothing is wrong with you."

"It feels like it."

"What can I do or say to convince you, Anna?" Elsa reached for her hands, holding them within her own, and Anna realized that Elsa felt warm because she was cold. "I won't argue with you about this new magic. But even before that—I know you weren't happy. Why, Anna? I don't understand."

"…I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"Myself," Anna said.

Maybe that was why, even after so many months, she still couldn't walk. She didn't trust herself to. She didn't trust that her darker side wouldn't take over again, because Queen Anna had been Edmund and it had been Anna, too. She was just as much at fault. She didn't deny that. She couldn't deny that. Even Elsa knew. Even Elsa had acknowledged it, both during their battle and after, that Anna had been present. Not just present but at the forefront of that white-haired creature, that goddess of her fears. It had been her insecurities and her need for strength that had given birth to it.

"Nobody's perfect," Elsa said.

"I want to be. I don't want to be afraid of being like that again," Anna said. She pulled her hands free and looked at them. She didn't even know why these powers had suddenly awakened. "Maybe this is some sign that Edmund is coming back to life. Maybe he's crawling out of my subconscious."

"We saw him die, Anna."

"Then maybe these powers are telling me that I'm still that same person who fought you," Anna said. "I don't want to be that person. I just want to be Anna. I want to be the me who first met you."

Elsa sighed and reached out again, cradling her head as she pulled her close, and Anna relaxed into the crook her neck. Soft lips kissed her forehead. Elsa smelled of pines and snow. Winter, Anna thought.

"All right," Elsa said. "I'll support you, no matter what you want to do."

"Thank you."

"Because I trust you. I know I don't seem like it, but…I trust you more than I trust anyone, even more than I trust myself. My only wish is that you could trust yourself too."

"I know."

Anna wished so too.

It was infuriating just waiting around, doing nothing.

Morgan loathed inaction. It was tantamount to handing over the initiative and rendering herself at someone else's mercy. Defense didn't win any battles. Doing nothing, the only option left was to react, and reaction did nobody any good. Reaction was just making the best of a bad situation. Reaction was shrinking in fear. Reaction was staying still and staying quiet while a shadow loomed over her body, and the musty breath of an ugly laugh fanned hotly over her skin.

Disgusting.

But maybe she was just complaining because she hated being at their so-called base. She liked being in the wilderness, in the forests and by the streams, not confined to this wall of mortar and grey stone. She liked being alone, not surrounded by people like Taranis and Eira and Mani's plaything screaming its head off. At least she could just lie on her back outside. Most the others were out doing inconsequential things, so she was left with herself and someone she actually didn't mind being around.

When he wasn't being apologetic, anyway.

"Are you still mad at me?" Ayden asked.

"No. Stop asking." Morgan scowled. "But take that mask off already."

"I prefer it on."

It took some effort not to reach out and rip the ugly thing off his face. She had worn one too, and the sensation of something covering her face reminded her all too much of rough hands. Ayden had no business hiding his face, anyhow. He had a beautiful face, even if he would never believe it. Better than hers, which she could barely recognize. Her hair was in the same style as it had ever been, with one braid that wrapped around the rest; her skin was still freckled; her nose still had the slight bump in its bridge. But her eyes—they had been light, once. Now they were dark, so dark the pupils were invisible.

Ayden lifted his mask to scratch his chin, and Morgan snorted. She had almost forgotten. It was unbearably itchy, having that metal trap their breath and prick their skin. It was only good for looking intimidating, though she could appreciate that—like a rattlesnake's warning.

"It's a stupid mask," Ayden admitted, and the smile was in his voice even if Morgan couldn't see it.

"You're stupid." Morgan regretted it the moment the words left her mouth. She always managed to sound like a petulant child compared to Ayden, and she was supposed to be older. "If you had let me kill that blonde idiot, I would have managed to take Anna. It's not like he doesn't deserve to die. He's too weak to be spouting off about honor and morality."

"We don't have the right to make judgments," Ayden said. "People shouldn't make judgments about other people at all. What they deserve. What they are."

"You're right," Morgan said. "Only the Queen has the right to make that judgment. Once she returns, she'll judge everyone. I won't have to do a thing, and all the filth in this world will be wiped out."

"That's…not quite what I meant."

How Ayden still had his morals intact, she would never understand. But then, he hadn't had his autonomy violently stripped from him. What did morality mean anymore when she remembered having lost everything else, having seen the worst that man had to offer? Only strength mattered when everything else was gone. Ayden had never, would never, know what it was like to be—to be—to be naked of dignity—to be powerless, helpless, defenseless. Of course he would take the moral high ground. He would never know what it was like to be—

Be a good girl, Morgan.

No one was going to touch her ever again.

"Morgan—"

"Get off me," Morgan spat, flinging his hand off her shoulders.

Ayden looked stricken.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think—"

"Look, I'm not going to shatter on you, I'm not fragile." Morgan took a deep draft of air and exhaled, looking away. She wanted to apologize. She didn't want to say it out loud. "Though you might be, brat."

It was blatantly untrue. Ayden was a gentle soul, but he was far from weak. It was a toll on her pride to admit, but the little kid she had protected from bullies could now send her sprawling to the ground.

"…Yeah."

"Lighten up, I'm kidding. I'm…proud." Morgan turned. It really did pain her to see the mask staring back, instead of his face, but everyone had the right to hide something. She didn't know if it counted as a weakness. Strength had never come easily to her, but she had to be strong for this kid who had shown up to the orphanage with his hair chopped short and his chest bound. She couldn't stumble, because she needed to hold him up. At least…that had been before. "You've come a long way."

"Can I ask you something…strange?"

"What?"

"Do you ever feel like…you don't know what you're doing anymore?"

Morgan opened her mouth to answer no, of course not, she knew exactly what she was doing. Because she needed to have some direction, and she didn't want to question it. Conviction was a painful pleasure, and the awful glory of their goddess—that was what she was working towards. But, when she found herself unable to speak, she realized…

There were moments when she felt horribly, horribly lost, but those moments were ones of terrible clarity. It was when she felt strong that her thoughts were feverish and confused, strings of unconnected ideas that only vaguely resembled rationale. None of this seemed to make sense. Did it? Whenever those doubts manifested, though, her head would split with pain until her vision blackened and she awoke, on her knees, the zealous faith having returned to swallow her fears.

"What are you trying to say?" Morgan demanded.

"It feels like something is—"

Oh, you two are bonding!

Mani was back.

She stopped and stared at them, silent as death. Mani liked to wander off alone, and sometimes she didn't come back for days. No one knew what she was doing, and Morgan wasn't about to ask. Nobody did. Morgan remembered reuniting with Mani, all of them camped out at the old orphanage after coming back from the Southern Isles, like they had promised; and Mani had padded in with soundless footsteps and a dark heart beating in her hand. Nobody had asked then, either, where she had been and what she had been doing all those years. It was instinctual not to ask anything of this bandaged spectre.

"Mani," Ayden said, his voice admirably warm.

It's so good to see you wearing a mask! It really suits you, more than your ugly face.

Ayden shrank back and said nothing to defend himself.

"Why are we waiting around?" Morgan cut in, feeling shivers run down her spine that had nothing to do with cold. "We're not accomplishing anything just sitting here."

Don't worry! We're waiting on Anna. She needs us, because…

We have this.

Mani was carrying a black rose in her hands.

And for one second, the flower glowed gold.

a/n: I apologize for all the exposition, but it was necessary! Some of you may also have noticed that I recently changed all the chapter titles; I just wanted to make them all oxymorons. It felt more appropriate for the theme of the story, rather than the weather/meteorological/astrological phenomena thing I was doing before.