Who knew science had so much in common with prison?

Southern Fried Scientist explains how you can set up your own franchise of Baby Duck Breweries, using a coffee maker, cereal flakes, Vegemite "malt", seaweed "hops", and baker's yeast.

Methods

Sanitation is key. If you have an autoclave, sterilize your tools ahead of time. Otherwise, wash everything with an iodine solution or, if there are no other options, ethanol. Contamination is your enemy. Everything must be clean. Boil the handkerchiefs, rubber bands, sample jars, and lids.

1. Grind up your 'grains' (but not so much that it becomes powder).



2. Place your 'grains' in coffee pot (not the filter basket, the carafe).



3. Run 2 cups of clean water through coffee maker and let it sit on the hot plate for an hour. This releases all the good chemicals from you 'grains' and creates a fluid called wort.



4. Strain the wort through the coffee filter and place the filter full of 'grain' into the filter basket. Add the 'malt' to the filter basket. Pour the strained liquid back into coffee maker and add 1 cup of water.



5. Run the wort through the coffee maker 5 times, each time adding 1 cup of water.



6. Pour the wort into the saucepan and boil for 45 minutes. Two minutes before boiling is done, add the "hops".



7. Carefully pour the wort into the canning jars.



8. Let the wort cool to between 60 and 70 F. Once it is cool enough to touch the outside of the jars without burning, pitch the Bakers' Yeast into the mixture.



9. Seal jar with a handkerchief and rubber band over the mouth, and let sit for 3 to 5 days.



10. And table spoon of sugar to the jar and seal with the lids, making sure they're air tight.



11. Store in a cool, dark place where it will not be disturbed for a week.

Results

A cool, smooth brew, flavored with whatever you found. It may be very bad, it may be good. It will be beer.