If you’re looking to rent a property, Damon Blake has a handy guide to get it rented quicker and easier.

So, you probably woke up this morning and realised that those seven chalets you purchased five years ago have been doing nothing but gather dust, itinerants and dusty itinerants. You begin musing to yourself. Maybe if you rent them out you can make a bit of money that will help support your Rick Astley addiction, which you’re never going to give up.

“Hey,” you might think, “let’s put an ad up on one of those renting websites! That way tenants come to us, we don’t have to get in a real estate agent who only took the property on so they can lease the bedrooms out to Meath pornographers who want to shoot scenes between the 2.30 and 3pm viewings”.

But it’s not as simple as slapping an ad up on the internet.

Drimnagh, Dublin 12.

Offered: HOUSE. Contains: HALF A TOILET.

You’ve got to sell. Like Don Draper does, in that way that makes me wet in my mouth.

DESCRIPTIONS

You can never write too little. It tells the tenants about what they’re going to see. Is there an electric shower? Does it have character? Oh, is it cosy? I hope its cosy. I like it when I’m watching TV and my knees touch other people’s knees. Thank you cosy, you really brought me and my housemates together. We’d have never have found out that we don’t like our protruding bones touching each other until we were in a horrific car accident.

At a minimum when you’re asking someone to pay at least 9600 a year write a goddamn paragraph you lazy son of a bitch.

PICTURES

Did you know there’s an option in Daft to only show properties with pictures? Everybody else does! If you don’t choose this option, you’re asking people to take a gamble and take the time to come see your property. And gamblers aren’t great with paying the rent.

Aaaaany sort of picture will do. Even something like this:

Some people go over board though.

This does not help anyone.

Okay, before I show you the next photo I found on Daft, I want you to clear your mind. Imagine you’re floating in water, submerged, suspended, with no history or future ahead of you. This moment in time, that is all there is.

You simply exist.

Right, now look at this:

This was put up in an attempt to get people to rent their property. They were quite proud that this was their children’s room. What…what is going on with Eeyore? He sure is popular today! Why is Christopher Robin off in the corner with the kangaroo? Where are its hands?

There’s definitely something horribly, horribly wrong with Piglet. He’s too gleeful in turning his back to the debauchery. It’s just…I don’t even want to try and figure it out. My brain weeps.

CONCLUSION

Finally, when submitting your ad, if you’ve given a contact phone number, ANSWER IT. ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE. THAT’S WHAT IT’S THERE FOR.

ANSWER IT.