WASHINGTON – Back on the campaign trail and in good health after a mild heart issue, Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders has expressed disappointment that he has not been accused of any inappropriate relationships with any of the young people working on his campaign. He claims this shows a clear bias against him, and is demanding that the media and his political opponents treat him with the same slanderous respect that they would any other candidate.

“No, I haven’t had an inappropriate relationship,” Sanders shouted normally, “but you don’t know that. Why wouldn’t you accuse me of one? Because I’m old? Because you think I’m sick? Because you think I’m unattractive? It’s absurd. The top one percent of politicians running for office are having ninety-nine percent of the affairs, and yes, I would put myself in that top one percent. So maybe you should start slinging some unjust accusations at me once in a while. It’s time people started taking this campaign seriously.”

Some members of the media apologized to Sanders for not exposing any dark secrets of his, or violating his privacy, but the senator was assured that it was not due to any internal bias. “It’s really about character, Senator,” called out one reporter. “We just never thought you’d do anything like that.”

“Of course I wouldn’t!” growled Sanders in his regular voice, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be accused! I’m a straight shooter. What you see is what you get. But it would nice to be thought of once in a while when you throw out unfounded allegations. There must be somebody who thinks that there’s a possibility I might have have romantic relations with a staffer, right?”

After a few nervous chuckles and sideways glances at each other, the news media quickly changed the subject to income inequality and health care for all, which seemed to cheer Sanders up considerably.

Image Credits: VTDigger.