



Time for another pop quiz, boys and girls. Sharpen those No. 2 pencils, and don't forget to show your work. Here's the question (extra credit for proper spelling in your answer):

You've been on a mission to eliminate women's basic health care, even birth control, because you think that's totally what Jesus and Thomas Jefferson were all about, and besides, only sluts have vaginas. Everyone in America, except the pedophile protection racket known as the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, thinks that's a really stupid idea because everyone in America freakin' loves birth control.

Do you



(a) let it go; or (b) just keeping beating that dead horse some more in the hopes that 75 percent of Americans have suddenly changed their minds?

If you have even two brain cells to rub together, you've probably figured out the answer is "a." However, for you Republicans:



On Tuesday, [Rep. Denny] Rehberg released his House Appropriations subcommittee's completed work on the labor, health and education budget for the 2013 fiscal year. Amid the sharp spending cuts in the proposed legislation are some things we've heard before: no money for Planned Parenthood, an end to funding for family planning prescribed for Title X, and a provision to allow employers to deny birth control coverage to women workers under the Affordable Care Act. One increase in spending is included: extra money for abstinence-only "sex education."

That's right, it's the Blunt Amendment 2.0: Revenge of the Sore Losers Who Are Still Really Upset About Lady Parts. (John Crybaby Boehner also promised to carry on the mission of criminalizing lady parts, so it's not like we should be that surprised, but still.)

The Blunt Amendment, you may recall, was the failed attempt by Senate Republicans to write a galaxy-sized loophole into our health care law—sorry, make that our now-Supreme-Court-sanctioned health care law—that would allow employers to decide what kinds of health care their employees should be denied, based on their own completely arbitrary definition of "immoral."

As in, "Sorry, hard-working employee, but I think cancer treatment is immoral, so that won't be covered under our insurance plan."

As in, "Sorry, hard-working employee, but I think prayer, not psychiatry, should be used for your depression, so that won't be covered under our insurance plan."

As in, "Sorry, hard-working employee, but I'm such an idiot that I think preventing a pregnancy is the exact same thing as terminating a pregnancy, so your birth control won't be covered under our insurance plan."

Like all of the other many, many, many attempts by Republicans in Congress to restrict health care for women, this one went over like beef tartare at a vegan potluck. Even lady Republicans in the Senate feigned concern about the bill. (Of course, they still voted for it because they are, like the non-lady members of their party, completely unprincipled. But at least they made some "I'm concerned" statements before throwing their fellow Lady-Americans under the bus.)

Denying "morally objectionable" health care to women through their insurance companies isn't the only eyeroll-worthy provision of Rehberg's bill that somehow creates jobs because that's the only thing Republicans in Congress care about. The old "let's cut off funding to the biggest provider of women's health care in America" was tossed in for good measure too because Republicans never tire of making not factual statements about Planned Parenthood. (What, you mean Planned Parenthood isn't building an $8 billion abortionplex, complete with night clubs and movie theaters? But I read it in The Onion!)

When it comes to trying to defund Planned Parenthood, Republicans are like addicts who need to get themselves to the nearest methadone clinic STAT. They just cannot stop hitting the junk. Michele "Batshit Crazy" Bachmann—whose long history of batshit crazy opposition to health care includes calling upon her fellow batshitters to slit their own wrists in some sort of suicide pact to stop the passage of Obamacare (how'd that work for ya, Michele?)—threatened, in 2011, to shut down the whole government until Planned Parenthood was defunded. (And again, how'd that work for ya, Michele?)

As part of the Republican "We are totally focused on nothing but jobs" agenda, they've tried to redefine rape to close those super-duper rape "loopholes" 13-year-old victims are always exploiting; prohibit government-funded abortion, which is already prohibited, but apparently, we need a "No, Seriously, This Shit's Off Limits For Reals, Yo" law for emphasis; launch a bogus investigation into Planned Parenthood, led by Rep. Cliff Stearns, whose own website boasted that his top priority is "Job Creation Solutions," because auditing decades of financial documents in case maybe there's something there (so far, there isn't) is a terrific "job creation solution" if the problem is "What can Cliff Stearns do to be a real pain in the ass?" In totally insincere fairness to Stearns, he did also say that "defunding Planned Parenthood should be a fiscal and moral priority for Congress, and for the American people," so it's not as if anyone should be surprised that his "Job Creation Solution" was intended for James O'Keefe wannabes who make crappy home movies of their failed "sting" operations of Planned Parenthood.

[Extra credit opportunity, boys and girls: Write a paragraph explaining all the many ways that being a James O'Keefe wannabe is the pretty much the most pathetic thing in the entire universe.]

So. Attacking women's health has consistently been a losing issue for Republicans—especially, it seems, for Mitt Romney when it comes to lady swing voters. Even John "Aw, heck, just get me some broad, any broad, to be on my ticket" McCain said it was time to "respect the right of women to make choices in their lives and make that clear, and get back onto what the American people really care about." And for almost a full minute there, it seemed that Republicans were willing to put down the lady parts and step away slowly.

But, it turns out hating women's health care is one heckuva tough habit to kick, and this week, Republicans fell off the wagon. Hard. So, since they still can't come up with any actual job solutions, and their plan to bring down the Obama administration by holding its members in contempt didn't pan out, they've gone back to beating up on ladies and their health care providers. Sure, it's bad for them, but you know how addicts are—they'll do just about anything for that cheap high, no matter who gets hurt.

Click here to donate to Planned Parenthood. Automatic "A" on your quiz if you do.