If the “Sitting in a Tree/K-I-S-S-I-N-G” Song Had Gone on Longer and Been Inspired By My Life

Kevin and Amy

sitting in a tree,

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

First comes love,

then comes marriage

then comes baby in a baby carriage…

- - -

Then comes the huge fight with Kevin’s mother about the decision not to circumcise the baby. Then comes the visit from the rabbi Kevin’s mother has sent to talk to Kevin and Amy about the importance of circumcision even though Kevin had warned her that if she sent the rabbi he wasn’t going to open the door.

Then comes the circumcision.

Then comes Amy’s observation that the baby is not so much sucking on her breast as trying to wolf it down like it’s a hoagie or something. Then comes the visit from the lactation consultant named Jamie who turns out to be a man. Then comes Kevin’s quizzical look. Then comes Jamie’s indignant speech about the place of men in lactation consulting. Then comes a Google search which reveals that until recently Jamie had worked at Best Buy. Then comes the almost immediate improvement in the feeding and the reluctant acknowledgment that Jamie is some sort of lactation genius.

Then comes a period of 18 sleepless months during which Kevin and Amy fall deeply in love with the baby even though he’s always got these weird rashes and is pretty much destroying every last aspect of their lives.

Then comes the first word, which, to Kevin and Amy’s dismay, sounds an awful lot like “asscake.”

Then comes the visit from the speech therapist. Then comes the confirmation from the speech therapist that the baby is, in fact, saying “asscake.” Then comes the speech therapist’s accusatory questioning. Then comes the crying and Amy’s repeated insistence that she has never once used the word “asscake” in front of her child.

Then Kevin calls the speech therapist a total asscake.

Then comes the visit from the nice woman from the child welfare agency.

Then comes the preschool interview, which goes extremely well until Joshee eats the director’s Bluetooth earpiece.

Then comes the trip to the ER and the talk about leaving New York.

Then comes the period that Amy begins to refer to as Kevin’s pre-midlife crisis during which Kevin leaves the agency and begins spending all day tweeting vaguely comic observations about pop stars.

Then comes another visit from the rabbi, who insists that Kevin’s mother hasn’t sent him but then has no answer for what he is doing at the door to Kevin and Amy’s apartment. Then comes a surprisingly competitive Scrabble game during which the rabbi, to his own great amusement, spells the word “porkchop.” Then comes the rabbi’s insistence that “porkchop” really is one word. Then comes the dictionary. Then comes the rabbi’s supposedly accidental drop of the dictionary onto the game board and the scattering of the letters and the rabbi’s attempt to change the subject by bringing up Kevin’s tweeting.

The comes the massive fight between Kevin and Amy that begins with Amy’s request that Kevin at least help take care of Joshee if he’s going to be home tweeting about Taylor Swift all day. Then comes what Amy will later refer to as Kevin’s “man-trum” during which Kevin tells Amy that she knows absolutely nothing about art. Then comes Kevin’s dramatic exit and the slamming of the apartment door behind him.

The comes Kevin’s reentry to get his wallet and glasses.

Then, the very next week, comes the blindfold on Amy and the diamond earrings in Kevin’s pocket, and the drive to Jersey to find the tree where they had first kissed.

Then comes Amy’s concern about climbing the tree, especially as it’s now only about five yards away from an Exxon station. Then comes Kevin’s demonstration that the tree will still hold them. Then comes the shouting from the worried Exxon mechanics to which Kevin responds with a smile and a thumbs up.

Then comes the ambulance.

Then comes Kevin’s freakout in the hospital when he remembers the diamond earrings in his pocket. Then comes Kevin limping wildly through the hospital shouting for his pants.

Then comes the tranquilizers and the quiet and Kevin’s vision of himself dunking over Shaquille O’Neal.