So you’ve read about lifestyle clubs and think you might be ready to jump in. Great! So what now? How do you get ready? What do you need to do to prepare? What should you do once you get there? We’ve jotted down a few things to keep in mind before visiting a swingers club for the first time.

Honestly, most of these guidelines would serve you well in any sort of a swingers event. Whether you are contemplating a swingers club, house party, hotel takeover, or a lifestyle cruise, these simple tips should help you make the most of your first experience.

Know your rules

All clubs have their own rules and they will explain them to you when you arrive. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. You, as a couple, need to determine what you are up for, and what is off the table. You need to determine that BEFORE you ever walk in the door of the place.

Simply stated: How far are you willing to go?

Or, perhaps, more importantly: How far are you willing to let your partner go?

The two of you need to have a long, clear, honest conversation. Nobody should be trying to convince anybody of anything here. For the moment, he (or she) with the most conservative boundary wins. There is no need to stress your relationship over a night at a club. If she wants a gang bang and he’s only comfortable getting a blow job in public, then the gang bang will need to be tabled for the night. If he’s ready to fuck on a stage, and she’s just thinking about the possibility of flashing her tits in semi-public place, he needs to be ready to wait until they get home to fuck.

We couldn’t begin to list all the possible rules, boundaries, variations and contingencies here. But we do have one suggested rule that every couple should adopt. And not just for the first time you’re visiting a swingers club. Agree between yourselves now that either one of you has immediate, total and unquestioned veto power at any and every point in the evening.

Sometimes, fantasies are better than reality. You may think something is going to be hot, but then, in the moment, it just doesn’t turn out that way. You need to give each other permission to stop whatever is going on and take a step back. In fact, you need to insist on it. It is far better to face an awkward moment with another couple, than it is to continue playing and find out later that your partner was only – begrudgingly – going through the motions.

Setting Goals

Lifestyle Rules are Limits

The rules that we have just described are, essentially, limits. They are the things you won’t do. They are the Stop signs on the lifestyle road. Or maybe they’re No Trespassing signs. Choose your own analogy. Either way, they represent areas that we stay out of.

On the other end of the spectrum are the things that we want to do. (Does that make them green lights or welcome mats?)

Here’s where things can get a little tricky. Jason and Amanda decide that they aren’t going to have sex with anyone other than each other. Well, at least not penetrative boy-girl sex. That’s their rule. No penises inserted anywhere.

However, Amanda has fantasized about other women and Jason (because he’s a guy) has fantasized about Amanda being with another woman. So they have determined that while they’re visiting the swingers club tonight, that’s what they’re going to do. They are going to find a girl for Amanda, and Jason is going to get to watch.

There’s only one problem. There’s no guarantee that they’re going to find a woman who is 1) willing and 2) attractive to Amanda. If they go to the club with such specific intentions, there’s a good chance that they are going to go home disappointed, regardless of what else may happen at the club.

Be careful with goals and expectations. They can lead to frustration and disappointment. Besides, some of the best moments in the lifestyle happen when we “fall into” circumstances that we never would have expected. Know your rules and go with the flow.

We used to ask each other what we were “up for” every time we went to an event. We rarely do that anymore. We do have a list of scenarios or fantasies that we would enjoy experiencing. So if one of them presents themselves we are prepared. But if they don’t we simply see where the night takes us, always being mindful of our limits as a couple, and being respectful of the limits of those that we may play with.

Visit the club’s site

Most lifestyle clubs have extensive websites, complete with photos, frequently asked questions, the house rules, alcohol policies (normally it’s BYOB), dress code, and schedule. If you can’t find the information you’re looking for, there will be a way to contact the owners before you go. Knowledge is power! So learn everything can you before you even leave home.

If the site has an event calendar that allows it, you may be able to post that you’re going to be there. SLS and other lifestyle sites also have a means of letting others know that you will be attending. That provides a chance to “meet” someone before you ever get to the club.

Theme Nights

Most clubs have theme nights regularly. Some of them have a different theme for every party. You are not obligated to participate in the theme, but dressing up can be fun and is a great conversation starter. Guys, it seems that those men who dress for the theme get way more attention from the ladies. Just sayin’.

Dress for Success

Even if you don’t dress for the theme, pay attention to what you wear. Ladies, let’s set your mind at ease. This is not a How-could-she-dare-to-wear that? zone. This is your chance to dress as sexy as you want to. Even if you don’t wear a size 2. Find something that you like, that makes you feel good, and wear it like it was designed just for you! Confidence is sexy. So be you. Be confident. And let as much of your inner bad girl show (literally) as you are comfortable with.

You’ll find a little bit of everything when your visiting a swingers club, but most women opt for very sexy club dresses, lingerie, see through outfits, corsets, and the like. Of course, a nice pair of jeans with a sexy top and heels works, too. If you’re still unsure, go back to the club’s website and look for the section titled, “What should I wear?” Generally, the answer is simple. Women dress sexy. Men dress to impress. Your club’s site will have all the details. You’ll especially want to see if you need to bring something specific for the playrooms.

Guys. For the love of all things good and pure, pay attention to what you wear. The number one complaint that we have heard from women in the lifestyle is that they work hard to look good and a lot of men don’t even seem to be aware that they’re leaving the house. We know you love your cargo shorts. We all do. But leave them at home. Nice jeans, nice shirt (one with a collar and buttons), and a nice pair of shoes will go a long way in the eyes of most women.

Watch your alcohol

Hey, it’s a party, so be ready to party. Just be sure to know your limits. You will hear comments in the lifestyle about “liquid courage”, and we know that social lubrication can be helpful. Our best advice is to help your partner here. You know them better than anyone. Honestly, we have rarely seen an issue with alcohol use, but when it happens it’s memorable. So don’t be someone else’s cautionary tale!

Don’t be a wall flower

It’s usually easy to spot newbies at a lifestyle event. They’re the ones sitting in the corner. Or making laps in the club, clutching to one another.

This may be the hardest part of visiting a swingers club for the first time. We get it. It’s hard to walk up to strangers. Especially when we know they are there to have sex with strangers! But if you place yourselves in a corner or along the wall or anywhere that you are just by yourselves, others may assume that you prefer to be left alone.

So, at the very least, sit in the middle of the room, as close to a traffic area as possible. Smile. Say hello to people as they walk by. Compliment them. Do anything you can to be engaging, the even if your legs feel paralyzed with apprehension. Honestly, the sooner you can engage in one single conversation with someone, no matter how brief, you will find most of that apprehension dissipating, and you will begin to relax and feel more comfortable in the club.

Strategy for meeting people

So how do we have that first conversation? How do we begin to relax, meet people, and enjoy the evening at the club.

First, get there early. Not the moment the doors open, exactly, but not too much later. The longer you are there, the more comfortable you will become. Arriving early (and staying late) means you have more time to meet more people. And that’s the point of the lifestyle. Visiting a swingers club isn’t just about running to the back for sex (though that can be a very enjoyable part of the night!). It’s about meeting like-minded people in a safe environment.

Getting there early also lets you choose a good seat. Perhaps somewhere near the door so you can see who’s coming in (and be seen at the same time!) Or sit near the bar, or the food, or anywhere else that people congregate.

Sooner or later, though, you are going to need to get up, move, and approach people. If you’re an extrovert, you know what to do. Go work your magic people skills. If you’re a bit more timid, read on. We have a few suggestions for you.

Working on your flirt game

You can be selective, if you want. Pick a couple or two that catch your eye and move directly to them. Introduce yourselves and see if you find some sort of a connection.

Want something less direct? Head to the dance floor. Stop looking at your feet and look around. Watch for eye contact. If it’s followed by a smile, boogie your way in that direction. Before you know it, you may be changing partners (on the dance floor, at least). This can be a sexy way to meet others and have a little fun at the same time.

More typically, though – especially for those visiting a swingers club for the first time – we recommend a different approach. You might call it “mingle and move” or “hit and run”. We just call it “meeting people”. The basic idea is that you communicate the fact that you are NOT there to 1) hit on them, 2) monopolize their time, or 3) spend the rest of the night there. You are simply there to say hello and move on.

It goes something like this:

“Hi, I’m Jessie. This is my husband, Michael. We just wanted to take a minute to say hello since we haven’t met you yet.” See, no pressure. You’ve already told them you are leaving.

At this point, in 97 cases out of 100, they will offer a smile and their names. The ball is back in your court. Tell them you are new and ask them a question. Any question. About them. Preferably something related to the lifestyle or the event you are attending.

“This is our first time in a lifestyle club. Have you been to many others?” “This is all pretty new to us. Do you come here often?” Yeah, that second one sounds a little like a pick up line, but all you are trying to do is make conversation.

At this point, it’s easy to say, “It’s really nice to meet you” and move on. Just like you said you were going to do. On the other hand, if there is some sort of chemistry, ask another question or two and see how things progress. Make the questions about them. People like to talk about themselves!

In general, it’s best to let Her take the lead in these conversations. If She is too shy for that, She should at least participate in the conversation. Nod your head, respond with facial expressions. A woman who remains silent and “distant” can easily appear like she doesn’t really want to be there.

A little “girl talk” can be a great thing. Compliment her. Ask about her dress, her theme night costume, or how she dances in those heels. Don’t be afraid to treat her as a lifelong friend. That kind of openness and familiarity is normal in the lifestyle community.

Guys, if you do speak, address him, but don’t ignore her. Whatever you do, do not speak only to the woman and ignore her man. That’s disrespectful. Obviously, if she asks a question you should respond, but you want to communicate in every possible way that you are not there just for her.

As you chat, refer to your partner by his or her name. As you leave, confirm the names of the couple you just met. “It’s Ricky and Lucy, right? Great to have met you. We’re Michael and Jessie and we’ll look forward to chatting more later if we all get the chance.” These are well-known aides for remembering names, and making yours more memorable to them.

Swingers are, by and large, some of the friendliest and most open (no pun intended) people you will ever meet. They enjoy meeting others. They enjoy telling their lifestyle story and hearing yours. They are slow to judge, quick to smile, and eager to meet others. You may be surprised to find just how “normal” they are, once you simply say hello.

How to say no

Your mother taught you to be polite. Some of us are wired to please people, even if we have to make some sacrifice to do so. No one wants to hurt someone else’s feelings. It can be hard to say “no”.

It’s worse to say yes, when you wanted to say no.

So one of the skills you will most likely have to learn when visiting a swingers club, or attending a house party, or simply going on a date with another couple, is how to say no.

First, remember that you are not the first, only, or last couple to turn down an offer. You probably aren’t even the first couple to turn down this couple. It happens. Attraction is a weird thing. It’s either there or it’s not. And no one can really explain why.

In a swinger situation, between two couples, we are looking for attraction between multiple partners. The guys have to be into the girls, the girls have to be into the guys, the girls may be into the girls, and – even in the straightest of relationships – the guys have to get along well enough and be cool with that other guy touching his girl.

Sometimes, you know right away that you aren’t a match. Sometimes, one of you will be ready to go, while the other of you is ready to go… home. Alone. Attraction is there, or it is not.

Sometimes, it’s not even a matter of attraction. One of you may simply not be feeling it. With anybody. The mood isn’t there. The vibe is wrong. The moon is not in alignment with whatever. Who knows? It’s just not happening.

Maybe with this couple. Maybe with anyone.

That’s fine. As Nancy would have told you back in the day, Just Say No.

You don’t have to be mean or angry about it. But you don’t want to be subtle about it. You want to be polite, matter of fact, and clear. You don’t even have to say why, or hint that maybe you would be willing under different circumstances, or at a different time. Your mom’s rules for being polite don’t have to be in play here.

“No, thank you.” That’s it.

Or maybe “Not tonight, thanks.”

You owe it to yourselves, and you owe it to the other couple. To do otherwise (even if you don’t play with them) means stringing them along and raising their expectations. You are far better off to say no quickly, so that they can move along and find someone else.

Maintaining communication.

Some couples have some pretty elaborate secret signals that they use to communicate with one another during their conversations with other couples. Certain code words, or hand placement, or touches indicate their level of interest in the other couple. Honestly, that’s a little complicated for us.

Having been together for a long time, we can normally read each other pretty well. But rather than assume that we know what one another is thinking, we simply take the time to “check in” with one another frequently. If you ever meet us at an event and notice that at some point we wander off to the bathroom or the bar together, we probably aren’t just adjusting our fluid levels. We are, in all likelihood, talking about you. More specifically, we are finding out how each other feels about you. I should also tell you, that that’s normally a good sign. We seem to sense one another’s “No’s” before we sense a clear “Yes”. So if we’ve wandered off, we are assuming the other is still interested.

By the way, this communication doesn’t just happen “pre-activity”. It continues to happen throughout the evening. At any point in time, we want to know that the other is safe, comfortable, and having fun. In the middle of play, we may do that with eye contact, a touch, a whisper, or even an out loud question. Regardless of your style of play, know your partner, and know how to communicate.

Remember the veto rule. Always ensure you have a way to put it into practice.

See something you like?

Hopefully, you find someone that catches your attention. After all, that’s probably why you’re there in the first place, right? So now what do you do? How, exactly, do you “proposition” someone, even in a swingers club?

You don’t want to offend them. You don’t want to misread signals. You don’t want to be rejected. And, if it’s your first time visiting a swingers club, you may be worried that you’re going to break some sort of protocol, or use the wrong words. Or just sound lame.

Relax. It’s not that hard.

There is some lingo that you can use. “We’d love to get to know you better.” “Maybe we could spend some time together.” Both are euphemisms for taking things to another level. Umm… that, too, is a euphemism for some sort of sexy play. You will need to review one another’s rules to figure our exactly what that means.

But why use euphemisms when we have real words? If you are afraid to say “Would you two be interested in a little soft swap in one of the private rooms?” (Because that could lead to outright rejection on the spot and nobody wants to be humiliated), then you might couch your offer in different terms.

“We’ve enjoyed getting to know you guys, and would love to spend some more time with you. If you would be interested in some soft swap, we wouldn’t say no.”

Then, step away. Give them a chance to evaluate your offer in private. Now, they know that if that’s what they want, they aren’t going to be rejected. On the other hand, if they don’t want that, they simply won’t bring it up again. Yes, you have been rejected. But at least they never said the word “No”.

What they might say is “We’re really not ready for that yet. But we would like to get to know you better.” The negotiation dance has now begun. All that you need to determine is what everyone is comfortable with.

So why not just ask? “That would be great! What would you be comfortable with?”

In other words, use your words. Be direct at this point. Be clear about your own rules, and take the time to learn, and respect theirs.

We have fun, no matter what

Here’s the best part of visiting a swingers club. We’re going to have sex!

It may be with each other and it may be back at the house (and that’s not a bad “consolation prize”), but we will have fun. We will also have had fun meeting other people. Checking out some sexy bodies. Maybe doing some voyeurism or exhibitionism. And spending Saturday night doing something we enjoy together.

We have determined a long time ago that we’re going to have fun no matter what. By sticking to our rules, knowing our limits, avoiding other people’s drama, and listening to each other, we always do.

Oh, and we never, ever, break our rules. Even if we are dying to.

At this point, our rules are pretty simple. Same room. And on those occasions that we full swap, safe sex only.

But for years, our list of rules was a LOT longer. There were occasions when “once in a lifetime” opportunities presented themselves. We were tempted to screw more than the rules. But by denying that temptation we were happier in the long run. Here’s our last bit of advice for visiting a swingers club for the first – or the fiftieth – time.

It is far better to regret what you didn’t do, than what you did.

Go home. Talk about it. Adjust your rules as necessary. And then the next time the situation presents itself, you can jump in (or be jumped on) without a second thought. If you violate your rules, you’ll go home with regret, and a long, difficult conversation with your partner. And nobody wants that.

So, make your plans. Set your boundaries, and get ready to take your next step into the lifestyle. Then, after its over, let us know how it went, and feel free to add your own advice for visiting a swingers club or observations in the comments section below.

Cover image by Alexandr Ivanov from Pixabay