Ever since Eve first caught sight of Adam in the Garden of Eden and cried ‘is that it?’, man has been obsessing about the size of his appendage.

Like most insecure blokes I’ve spent a good deal of my time fretting about whether I’m ‘normal’. The suspicion that I might not be isn’t helped by the fact I tend to view myself from above. Fact: flaccid objects appear foreshortened when seen from on high. For a more flattering view try holding a mirror at groin level, slightly off to one side; you may be pleasantly surprised.

For a few unfortunate individuals, size is a genuine health issue. One in 20 million males is born without any sort of apparel, a condition known as ‘penile agenesis’. But for your average Joe is there such a thing as the ‘ideal’ size? And is it really possible to turn the ‘tiniest little todger’ into ‘the world’s largest prick’.

Most boys will take a ruler to their private parts at some stage during puberty. The trouble is at that age we don’t really have a yardstick to measure ourselves by. Rumours abound. One of my contemporaries at prep school believed that male genitalia continued to grow right up until the day you died (a terrifying prospect), while another thought that penis size was inextricably linked to the length of your thumb. All I knew was that big equalled better.