"Look, I'm not going to be able to concentrate on anything else until I get the story here. How..?"



"Oh for the love of--FINE. Lift: HALT. There. We have a few minutes, so let us get this out of the way now. What do you wish to know?"



"HOW???"



"It's called 'plastic surgery.' Surely you've heard of it, son, even on that backwater planet. You aren't THAT sheltered, surely?"



"Yeah, I've heard of it, heard of this kind of thing, but...this...you...what about the rest of you? Did you...did you?"



"No. Not...quite yet. I do not know if I am ready for that. Though the rest of my physiology presently matches my chest beneath the armor"



"I...guess that WOULD be a big step, wouldn't it? You don't even sound the same. Just...what HAPPENED?"



"It's...a specific Dark Side technique. The voice change, I mean. The Emperor was approached by some of his senior research advisors, and was told that years of research indicated that crew efficiency was measurably greater under female commanders. They cited...decades of data suggesting that order compliance was a full 15% faster when the order is given by a female voice than a male. Among other things."



"Soooo...you did this because...you wanted a more efficient crew? I'm not questioning your dedication at this point, but...seriously?"



"That-that wasn't all of it, son. Not quite. I told the Emperor that it was an irrelevant, foolish and, frankly, idiotic notion, and that the power of the Dark Side coupled with the clever and skilled application of fear was vastly superior to any new-fangled, half-baked idea cooked up by Human Resource policy-wonks. And so the Emperor decided to hold a contest, a simple bet. Independent research teams would stay aboard two ships, my flagship, and another vessel commanded by a female commander with a similar discipline style. They would remain out of the way, they would observe, measure crew morale and efficiency, and at the end of 90 standard days they would present their results before the emperor. If they were wrong, their lives were mine to spare or end in any way I saw fit. But if they were right...the emperor himself would oversee my forfeiture."



"And you actually agreed to this?"



"I was certain I would be vindicated."



"And I take it that--"



"I wasn't. Crew morale aboard the other ship improved by nearly 50%, crew turnover and terminations due to gross incompetency improved by a factor of 3, and orders were followed a full 19% faster in most cases, even ruling out bias and minor differences in command styles. Their sortie success rates and survival rates were 60% higher. And so the emperor turned to me and said, 'Oh, my student...a deal IS a deal.''



"And so they turned you into...into a woman? Err...mostly."



"You have to understand, son, that the Emperor, at heart, is a very, very lonely man. Such is the burden of leadership."



"Look, I--I don't know how to feel here, I mean, I realize intellectually that this SHOULD be the-the LEAST of my concerns right now, we've got two fleets getting ready to kill each other out there and you're probably going to try to warp me into a tool for that monster but...I...and now you're...you're..."



"Feminine? Son, I thought the Rebellion prided itself on its progressive social stance--"



"YOU WERE MY FATHER!"



"And I still AM, Luke. Only with a few changes that don't really change who I am, at my core."



"Look, you said that you lost a bet. Come on, I know there's...I know there's still good in you. You can just come with me. I mean, we can get out of here and maybe we can even change you back--"



"Back To what I was? But...mumblemumblemumble..."



"Uh...what?"



"I said maybethisisn'tunacceptable..."



"What? I still didn't hear--"



"I SAID, MAYBE THIS ISN'T UNACCEPTABLE!! MAYBE I ACTUALLY FIND THAT I **LIKE** THIS! DID IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THIS **ISN'T** SUCH A BAD THING FOR ME? THAT MAYBE I ACTUALLY FIND SOME DEEP SATISFACTION IN THIS STATE THAT I NEVER DID IN MY LIFE BEFORE?? THAT MAYBE I DON'T **WANT** TO CHANGE BACK??"



"...."



"This isn't a curse, Luke. Believe it or not. Even if the circumstances weren't ideal. The Emperor may have done it to teach humility, but I honestly find it liberating. He is a man of deep wisdom, which you will soon discover."



"I just...I have questions. So many questions."



"Yes? Like..."



"Do I call you "father" now? Or "mother?"



"By the Maker, you're thick as a brick, son. 'Lord Vader' will do, if the pronouns continue to confuse you."



"And is he going to try to turn me into--"



"NO. Well, probably not. My circumstances are different to yours. But make no mistake, he WILL bend you to his will, as he does everything and everyone else. We are all tools and playthings for him to use and mold, as he wills..."



"Right, I get that he'll try. I get that. Just...I don't know, this is a bit much for me. Even with everything else that's happened."



"I understand, son. So....our intelligence is fairly complete. I understand that you and Princess Leia Organa have been--seeing each other? Recreationally?"



"What business is it of yours?"



"You DID use protection? Please tell me you used protection, at least."



"Uh...why is that so important to you all of a sudden?"



"*sigh* You'll find out shortly. Lift: RESUME."