Of America’s 1,875 most prominent college athletic departments, only 321 have nicknames that are different from everybody else within that group. (I’ve added the list of actually unique nicknames at the bottom.)

And even that figure means counting a nickname like Bald Eagles or Golden Eagles distinct from Eagles itself, plus ignoring non-Eagle schools like Auburn, North Texas, and Liberty that have Eagle mascots.

Even without those modifiers, 64 colleges use the exact same basic Eagles nickname. That’s almost a whole NCAA tournament of nothing but adjective-less Eagles!

Look at this monotony:

64 plain Eagles (plus Red Eagles, Screaming Eagles, etc.)

53 plain Tigers (plus Golden Tigers, Fighting Tigers, etc.)

52 plain Cougars (plus other names for this animal, but that’s good, because those are OTHER NAMES)

50 plain Bulldogs (plus a Runnin’ one and other teams with bulldog mascots)

42 plain Panthers (yeah, Panthers and Cougars are the same animal)

41 plain Wildcats

40 plain Lions (plus lots of other teams with lion logos or mascots)

35 plain Pioneers (plus other names for the job of walking in a place that is new to you)

33 plain Knights (plus Golden Knights, Blue Knights, etc.)

33 plain Warriors

29 plain Hawks (plus tons of variations ... many Hawk teams actually do this right)

28 plain Bears (plus Bruins, Golden Bears, etc.)

26 plain Falcons

and on and on.

Let’s get way more creative. Some of these schools might just need a push.

New rule: no two American colleges can have the exact same mascot name.

If you wanna remain the plain ole Eagles, you need to establish dominion over that boring word.

Otherwise, you need to either modify the name Eagles in a way nobody else does or come up with a more interesting bird — an eagle isn’t especially cool and is in fact “a Bird of bad moral Character,” per Ben Franklin — or other animal entirely. There are already too many bird mascots anyway, speaking proportionally.

How will we figure out which schools have to change? There are many options.

Settle each dispute based on:

Who had it first? College sports people can’t even agree on the absolute basics, so this should be a fun few decades of lawyering.

Who’s used it best? Division II’s Minnesota-Duluth is now the only team named just the Bulldogs, because they have the two most recent football national titles won by Bulldogs.

Which changes would impact the fewest people? If only a few hundred fans care about a small school, it wouldn’t make sense to force a million-strong fanbase to change. However, let’s consider the instant value of all our vintage gear.

If you have live mascots, they fight to the death? No? OK, natural segue to next idea.

Some sort of live trivia contest about the disputed nickname? Yes, I think this is it.

We’ll decide which schools have to change nicknames via a live trivia contest about the disputed nickname.

Each university president who wants to claim a nickname in use by at least one other school within the NCAA, NAIA, JUCO leagues, or other American college sports leagues must battle for it in the theater of the mind.

Boring-ass Eagle schools, you’ll each be tested in live action on your knowledge of all eagles (because you did not specify a kind of eagle, which is one reason you’re in this mess to begin with).

You’ll be barraged with questions on the many species of eagle (including many you could’ve chosen instead of Eagles), global distributions (of other eagles you could’ve picked), eagles in pop culture and mythology (lots of good ideas here for eagle names besides just Eagles), comparisons of eagles to other birds (which are birds you could pick instead of Eagles), and so on.

Don’t wanna go through all that? Simply modify your nickname ahead of time.

If you wanna remain Eagles, just find a better, weirder version.

This isn’t hard. I found a great one in 15 seconds. Say hello to snake eagles, the eagles that eat snakes:

Nobody wants to see that thing show up on the other side in a conference baseball tournament. I’m starting a college just to call our sports teams the Snake Eagles.

And finally, a list of what I believe to be the 321 colleges with unique nicknames among major-ish American colleges.

Abraham Baldwin College, Stallions

Academy of Art University, Urban Knights

Albion College, Britons

Alderson Broaddus University, Battlers

Alfred University, Saxons

Alice Lloyd College, Talons

Alvernia University, Golden Wolves

Alverno College, Inferno

Amherst College, Mammoths

Anna Maria College, AMCATS

Arizona Christian University, Firestorm

Arizona State University, Sun Devils

ASA College Avengers in Brooklyn, Avengers

ASA College in Miami, Florida, Silver Storm

Augsburg University, Auggies

Ave Maria University, Gyrenes

Bethany College, Swedes

Bethel College , Threshers

Bismarck State College, Mystics

Blue Mountain College, Toppers

Brandeis University, Judges

Bristol Community College in Fall River, Bayhawks

California Lutheran University, Kingsmen

California State University Maritime Academy, Keelhaulers

California State University, Dominguez Hills, Toros

California State University, Monterey Bay, Otters

Calumet College of St. Joseph, Crimson Wave

Campbell University, Fighting Camels

Canisius College, Golden Griffins

Cape Fear Community College, Sea Devils

Carnegie Mellon University, Tartans

Carthage College, Red Men/Lady Reds

Centenary College of Louisiana, Gents and Ladies

Central College, Dutch

Central Michigan University, Chippewas

Central Wyoming College, Rustlers

Chaminade University of Honolulu, Silverswords

Chesapeake College, Skipjacks

Christopher Newport University, Captains

Cincinnati State Technical & Community College, Surge

Coastal Alabama Community College, Sun Chiefs

Coastal Carolina University, Chanticleers

Coe College, Kohawks

Colby College, White Mules

College of William & Mary, Tribe

Colorado State University–Pueblo, ThunderWolves

Columbia College (SC), Koalas

Columbia-Greene Community College, Twins

Concordia College, Cobbers

Connecticut College, Camels

Converse College, Valkyries

Corning Community College, Red Barons

Crown College, Royal Crusaders

Culinary Institute of America, Steels

Cuyahoga Community College, Triceratops

Dartmouth College, Big Green

DePaul University, Blue Demons

Dickinson State University, Blue Hawks

East–West University, Phantoms

Eastern Arizona College, Gila Monsters

Eastfield College Harvesters in Mesquite, HArvesters

Elmira College, Soaring Eagles

Emory and Henry College, Wasps

Endicott College, Gulls

Erie Community College, Kats

Erskine College, Flying Fleet

Felician University, Golden Falcons

Five Towns College, Sound

Florida State College at Jacksonville, Blue Wave

Florida State University, Seminoles

Franklin & Marshall College, Diplomats

Fresno Pacific University, Sunbirds

Furman University, Paladins

Garden City Community College, Broncbusters

Gardner–Webb University, Runnin’ Bulldogs

Geneva College, Golden Tornadoes

Georgetown University, Hoyas

Gettysburg College, Bullets

Gogebic Community College, Samsons

Goshen College, Maple Leafs

Goucher College, Gophers

Grand Canyon University, Antelopes

Gustavus Adolphus College, Gusties

Hamilton College, Continentals

Hamline University, Pipers

Harford Community College, Fighting Owls

Harvard University, Crimson

Haverford College, Fords

Hawkeye Community College, Redtails

Heidelberg University, Student Princes

Henderson State University, Reddies

Hesston College Larks in Hesston, Larks

Hollins University, None

Hostos Community College, Caimans

Hutchinson Community College, Blue Dragons

Illinois Institute of Technology, Scarlet Hawks

Illinois State University, Redbirds

Immaculata University, Mighty Macs

Indiana State University, Sycamores

Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Crimson Hawks

Indiana University Southeast, Grenadiers

Indiana University, Hoosiers

Iowa Western Community College, Reivers

Ithaca College, Bombers

John Carroll University, Blue Streaks

John Jay College of Criminal Justice, Bloodhounds

Johnson C. Smith University, Golden Bulls

Kent State University, Golden Flashes

Kenyon College, Lords and Ladies

Keystone College, Giants

Kishwaukee College, Kougars

Knox College, Prairie Fire

La Salle University, Explorers

Lake–Sumter State College, Lakehawks

Lakeland University, Muskies

Lamar Community College, Runnin’ Lopes

Lee College, Runnin’ Rebels

Lehigh University, Mountain Hawks

LeMoyne–Owen College, Magicians

Lincoln Christian University, Red Lions

Lincoln Memorial University, Railsplitters

Lincoln University (MO), Blue Tigers

Livingstone College, Blue Bears

Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania, Bald Eagles

Loras College, Duhawks

Lourdes University, Gray Wolves

Loyola University Chicago, Ramblers

Lynn University, Fighting Knights

Manhattan College, Jaspers

Manhattanville College, Valiants

Maranatha Baptist University, Sabercats

Marian University, Sabres

Marist College, Red Foxes

Marshall University, Thundering Herd

Mary Baldwin University, Fighting Squirrels

McDaniel College, Green Terror

Menlo College, Oaks

Meredith College, Angels

Metropolitan Community College (Kansas City) , Scouts

Mid-America Christian University, Evangels

Millsaps College, Marjos

Mississippi College, Choctaws

Mississippi Valley State University, Delta Devils and Devilettes

Monroe Community College, Tribunes

Montana State University–Northern, Lights

Morehouse College, Maroon Tigers

Motlow State Community College, Bucks

Mount Aloysius College, Mounties

Mount Mary University, Blue Angels

Muskingum University, Fighting Muskies

Nazareth College, Golden Flyers

Nebraska Wesleyan University, Prairie Wolves

New England College, Pilgrims

New Hope Christian College, Deacons

New Jersey City University, Gothic Knights

New York University (NYU), Violets

Niagara University, Purple Eagles

North Carolina Wesleyan College, Bishops

Northeastern Oklahoma A&M College , Golden Norse

Northwest College Trappers in Powell, Trappers

Northwestern State University, Demons

Norwich University, Cadets

Oakland University, Golden Grizzlies

Oberlin College, Yeomen and Yeowomen

Oglethorpe University, Stormy Petrels

Ohio Wesleyan University, Battling Bishops

Pace University, Setters

Pacific Lutheran University, Lutes

Pacific University, Boxers

Palm Beach Atlantic University, Sailfish

Panola College, Ponies

Pennsylvania State University, Nittany Lions

Pittsburg State University, Gorillas

Point Loma Nazarene University, Sea Lions

Pomona College and Pitzer College, Sagehens

Presbyterian College, Blue Hose

Providence Christian College, Sea Beggars

Providence College, Friars

Providence College, Friars

Purdue University Fort Wayne, Mastodons

Purdue University, Boilermakers

Rainy River Community College Voyageurs , Voyageurs

Rhode Island College, Anchormen

Richland College, Thunderduck

Rockford University, Regents

Rocky Mountain College, Battlin’ Bears

Rogers State University, Hillcats

Rollins College, Tars

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology, Fightin’ Engineers

Rowan University, Profs

Rutgers University, Scarlet Knights

Saint Francis University, Red Flash

Saint John’s University, Johnnies

Saint Joseph’s College of Maine, Monks

Saint Louis University, Billikens

Saint Mary-of-the-Woods College, Pomeroys

Saint Mary’s College, Belles

Salisbury University, Sea Gulls

Savannah College of Art and Design, Bees

Schoolcraft College, Ocelots

Scottsdale Community College, Artichokes

Simon Fraser University, Clan

Slippery Rock University of Pennsylvania, The Rock

Snead State Community College, Parsons

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology, Hardrockers

South Dakota State University, Jackrabbits

Southeastern Community College, Blackhawks

Southeastern Oklahoma State University, Savage Storm

Southeastern University, Fire

Southern Arkansas University, Muleriders

Southern Illinois University Carbondale, Salukis

Southern Nazarene University, Crimson Storm

Southern New Hampshire University, Penmen

Southwestern College, Moundbuilders

Southwestern Illinois College, Blue Storm

Spoon River College Mudcats in Canton, Mudcats

St. Ambrose University, Fighting Bees & Queen Bees

St. Bonaventure University, Bonnies

St. Clair County Community College, Skippers

St. Louis College of Pharmacy, Eutectics

St. Norbert College, Green Knights

St. Olaf College, Oles

State College of Florida, Manatee–Sarasota, Manatees

State University of New York at Cobleskill, Fighting Tigers

State University of New York, Red Dragons

Stetson University, Hatters

Sussex County Community College, Skylanders

Swarthmore College, Garnet

Sweet Briar College, Vixens

Syracuse University, Orange

Texas A&M International University, Dustdevils

Texas A&M University–Corpus Christi, Islanders

Texas A&M University–Kingsville, Javelinas

Texas Christian University, Horned Frogs

Texas College, Steers

The Apprentice School, Builders

The Evergreen State College, Geoducks

The Ohio State University, Buckeyes

Thiel College, Tomcats

Trinity Christian College, Trolls

Trinity College, Bantams

Tufts University, Jumbos

Tulane University, Green Wave

Union College, Dutchmen

United States Naval Academy, Midshipmen

University at Albany, SUNY, Great Danes

University of Akron, Zips

University of Alabama, Crimson Tide

University of Alaska Fairbanks, Nanooks

University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff, Golden Lions

University of Arkansas, Razorbacks

University of California, Irvine, Anteaters

University of California, Merced, Golden Bobcats

University of California, Santa Cruz, Banana Slugs

University of Delaware, Fightin’ Blue Hens

University of Evansville, Purple Aces

University of Findlay, Oilers

University of Hawaii at Manoa, Rainbow Warriors and Rainbow Wahine

University of Idaho, Vandals

University of Illinois at Springfield, Prairie Stars

University of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign, Fighting Illini

University of Iowa, Hawkeyes

University of Jamestown, Jimmies

University of Louisiana at Lafayette, Ragin’ Cajuns

University of Maine at Augusta, Moose

University of Maine, Black Bears

University of Maryland, Baltimore County, Retrievers

University of Maryland, College Park, Terrapins

University of Massachusetts Amherst, Minutemen and Minutewomen

University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, Corsairs

University of Minnesota, Golden Gophers

University of Missouri–Kansas City, Roos

University of Mount Union, Purple Raiders

University of Nebraska at Kearney, Lopers

University of Nebraska–Lincoln, Cornhuskers

University of New England, Nor’easters

University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Tar Heels

University of North Texas, Mean Green

University of Notre Dame, Fighting Irish

University of Oklahoma, Sooners

University of Pittsburgh at Johnstown, Mountain Cats

University of Puerto Rico at Río Piedras, Gallitos

University of Richmond, Spiders

University of Saint Mary, Spires

University of San Diego, Toreros

University of San Francisco, Dons

University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma, Drovers

University of South Carolina Beaufort, Sand Sharks

University of St. Thomas (Minnesota), Tommies

University of Texas at Austin, Longhorns

University of Toledo, Rockets

University of Tulsa, Golden Hurricane

University of Utah, Utes

University of Wisconsin–Eau Claire, Blugolds

Ursuline College, Arrows

Vance-Granville Community College in Henderson, Vanguards

Vassar College, Brewers

Vermilion Community College, Ironmen and Ironwomen

Virginia Military Institute, Keydets

Virginia Tech, Hokies

Virginia Wesleyan University, Marlins

Viterbo University, V-Hawks

Wabash College, Little Giants

Wake Forest University, Demon Deacons

Washburn University, Ichabods

Washington & Jefferson College, Presidents

Washington College, Shoremen

Webb Institute, Webbies

Webster University, Gorloks

Wellesley College, Blue

Western Illinois University, Leathernecks

Western Texas College Westerners in Snyder, Westerners

Whittier College, Poets

Williams College, Ephs

Williamson College of the Trades, Mechanics

Williston State College Tetons in Williston, Tetons

Xavier University of Louisiana, Gold Rush & Gold Nuggets

Xavier University, Musketeers

Yavapai College Roughriders in Prescott, Roughriders

Yellowstone Christian College, Centurions

Yeshiva University, Maccabees