Dear Customer Relations,

Jetstar Flight Perth to Sydney

Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one.

What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man?

No idea? How about:

what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute?

Still nothing? Right, one more try.

What’s fat as f@@@, stinks like sh@@ and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight?

That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to (or to be accurate, under) from Perth to Sydney yesterday!

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being.

However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne – ‘Eau No’. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat.

To be fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them actually saw me!