We tell our children to let us know if a grownup touches them in a way that they don’t like or makes them feel uncomfortable, don’t we? Although we also then plonk them on the laps of strange men in fake beards and suggest they tell them their secrets. The whole Santa Claus thing has always been extremely weird, and you often see little ones far from enchanted, and actually scared, by this “tradition”.

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But do we afford grown women the same privilege of being able to express unease at the way some men touch us and make us feel uncomfortable? Not really. We don’t want to make a fuss. “Nothing that bad happened – thank you for not sexually assaulting us,” is so much the internalised female default that many women tolerate a range of creepiness from men who plead ignorance about what they are doing.

They just can’t help going around hugging women and girls because they are touchy-feely people; they want to connect. Joe Biden is not a monster, he doesn’t need locking up, but someone should have had a word with him in a caring, touchy-feely way many years ago about what connecting with less powerful people might look like. And the way Biden does it looks awful, actually.

His habit of coming up behind women and smelling their hair and massaging their faces? Just no, Joe. What is it about? Do random women approach men, start smelling them, stroking their cheeks, rubbing their shoulders or engaging in bizarre forehead-to-forehead frottage? No. Seven women have now come forward with complaints about how uncomfortable the Democrat former vice president made them feel. You can actually just see it in the videos circulating. Girls freezing up. Sofie Karasek was among a group of sexual assault victims who came on stage at the Oscars with Lady Gaga in 2016. In the middle of her telling Biden about a friend who had died by suicide he took her hands and pressed his forehead against hers. This is not a crime but it’s deeply inappropriate.

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Biden has now made a video to show that he “gets it”. Social norms have changed, he acknowledges, but he repeats the excuse: “This is just who I am.” The touching is a way of showing how much he cares, but he now understands the boundaries have been reset and is going to be mindful in future. Well, this is awkward. Every woman I know has experienced a variation of inappropriate touching experiences, of men being over-familiar. Even at my age, hands on knees, pats on head, overly tight hugging, particularly by politicians. Not only is it bloody odd, but it has been going on for ever and the boundaries have been reset partly because there is a pussy-grabber in the White House and because of the #MeToo movement. But there is also an exaggerated confusion in the media about how men should behave with women. Human reproduction will end any day soon, apparently, if men are required to have consent before they touch a woman. This is the “snowflakes have banned flirting” line trotted out nonsensically by men perturbed by the idea that women may have a say over their own bodies. The reality is that women are becoming less tolerant of groping disguised as benign social interaction. We know the difference. Here’s a clue: if a woman flinches as she is hugged, perhaps that contact was unwanted.

Touch is an expression of intimacy. Unwanted touch is an expression of power. We can make it much more complicated but it comes down to who owns the public space. Who owns women’s bodies and who gets to touch those bodies when they feel like it?

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Instinctively we know when our personal space is invaded, and this is not about being repressed or uptight. If these politicians cannot read this, then what the hell are they doing? I remember a time in the late 90s when a lot of New Labour types went from geeks to ministers and were sent for media training. Suddenly they were all looking you in the eye, touching your arm and saying your name too much. “Stop it!” I used to want to scream, because it was horrendous. They had all seen Bill Clinton work his magic … the handshake where you move one hand on the arm further up the elbow. Clinton made everyone feel so special and we all know exactly where that led.

Quite frankly I’m puzzled by why these old men still think they are political contenders when there are so many exciting young Democrats around. Or perhaps I do. It’s called male privilege. And this time we can’t hug it out, guys. If we need stroking in public we will ask for it. And if you’re not sure of the new rules: stand back and wait for the signal to invade our personal space. There is no such thing as “connection” without consent. If powerful men have somehow managed not to notice the consent requirement it is because they get off on embracing those with less power. Whatever they think they’re doing, they are actually embracing inequality. This doesn’t make women merely uncomfortable, it makes some of us rigid with anger. Get off us.

• Suzanne Moore is a Guardian columnist