Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates:

All moderators to be quarantined from society 18 months prior to debate to eliminate bias



Statute of limitations prohibiting questioning candidate about any statements made more than 60 seconds in the past



Mechanized, continuously rotating debate stage gives every candidate equal time at center podium



No questions from, for, or about women



At least one tray of pigs in a blanket during pre-debate luncheon



All questions must be prefaced with personalized compliment about candidate’s policies or appearance



One consequence-free tirade against any marginalized group of each candidate’s choosing



Rule stating that any participant thrown off stage by another candidate automatically disqualified from presidential campaign



Safe podium space for all candidates made uncomfortable by line of questioning



Multiple-choice section



Each candidate given five paper DebateBucks they can use at any time to buy new questions from moderator



When a candidate A causes the debate ball to go out of play, candidate B will start at the top of the key and check the ball before resuming play



Every candidate allowed to deliver five minutes of closing personal attacks