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If I were of a more entrepreneurial spirit, I would develop, patent and seek Health Canada approval for my own particular version of a childhood vaccination. I’d call it a “quadrivalent” inoculation, effective in preventing nearly all illnesses that infiltrate the body and spirit, and it would be available for sale by anyone who considers himself or herself a medical practitioner. Without divulging too many of the vaccine’s secrets, I will say that it will be one part borage seeds, one part that special feeling in your heart, and administered by plucking your thumb against the inside of your cheek and making a popping sound with your mouth.

This vaccine, the name of which I’m still working on, would have roughly the same efficacy rate as the homeopathic vaccines that are currently approved for sale by Health Canada. These homeopathic vaccines, also known as “nosodes,” are created by taking a small amount of infected material — saliva, blood, feces for example — and diluting it to the point wherein there is basically no active ingredient left. The vaccine is then administered to the patient — often in the form of a sugar pill — after which the individual is said to be protected from measles, mumps, meningitis, polio and more. The belief is that the nosodes will somehow catalyze an autoimmune response when and if the body ever encounters these viruses, and act by harnessing the power of make-believe and that aforementioned special feeling in all of our hearts.