Brat bans are a hot topic as of late, with businesses banning little kids quickly popping up all over the place. Restaurants, airlines, movie theaters, among other types of businesses are restricting kids, and I say it’s about darn time.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, ruins a meal at my favorite restaurant quicker than an annoying, screaming, bratty kid going nuts. I’ll be in my seat eating in peace and then along comes an annoying little shit who does nothing but disrupt my fine dining experience. I have very, very sensitive hearing and I can hear a kid crying from a mile away, so it doesn’t even have to be anywhere near my table. Further, if a family with a kid comes down and sits near me, I avoid confrontation at all costs by quickly packing up, paying my ticket, and leaving. I don’t want to be anywhere near them.

Also, when I was working airline I had one incident where I was tasked with landing a fully loaded Boeing 737-800 with 152 people on board (including crew) in a thunderstorm. For those of you who have never taken the reigns to a jumbo jet, let me just tell you that landing one in a thunderstorm is no easy task with no other distractions present. Well, there was another distraction present: a screaming kid in the first row of First Class. In other words, right behind the cockpit. Yes, you can hear that shit from up there. That was miserable. I was trying to tune it out and focus on the task at hand (landing the plane safely) but that just made the task even harder. I got the plane down safely, obviously, but Jesus fucking Christ. It about drove me up the wall. I wanted to confront the parents of that stupid fucking kid as they got off the plane but I held my tongue despite having to be restrained by the Captain. I was livid.

Then the bowling alley: a place that is usually overrun with kids who get away with displaying poor bowling etiquette and throwing their wall-eyed hissy fits every time their little uncoordinated arms throw a gutterball. Yeah, not conducive for someone like me, a professional-caliber bowler who’s seriously trying to practice or put up high scores despite difficult lane conditions. In this case, children go from being simply an annoyance to affecting my pin count, my average, and everything. If those drop too fast, I could lose my PBA card, which is NOT an idea I particularly fancy.

Whatever the case, yeah. Kids are disruptive, they’re annoying, and in a lot of cases, a threat to safety (as in the case of me landing a fully loaded jumbo jet mid-thunderstorm). This is why I support brat bans. Banning kids from fine restaurants, first class cabins, and after certain hours at bowling alleys, movie theaters, etc. would be a smart business move. Whatever little business they lost would quickly be made up for by people of my ilk who want a peaceful, kid-free night. And actually, studies show that businesses who enact brat bans are booming and seeing more business than ever. Chew on that, breeder brigade!

Now, some people are questioning the ethics of such practices, and I’ve seen some go on the slippery slope argument about how it’ll lead to LGBT bans, etc. at businesses. You know what? I don’t care. I believe business owners have the right to ban whoever they want from entering their doors. If they want to ban LGBT people, straight people, atheists, Christians, blacks, whites, kids, men, women, senior citizens, or whoever, I think that is their right, and I think laws that say otherwise are a load of crap and an infringement upon a business owner’s rights. Businesses should be able to cater to whoever they want, and likewise, refuse to cater to whoever they want as well.

And yes, if I owned a business like a restaurant, bowling alley, etc. it would be adults only. Period, end of story. I wouldn’t want kids entering my place of business for the peace of mind of my patrons. I can guarantee you I’d make serious money too.