Sony's new PlayStation ad - "Michael" - shows live-action versions of game characters sharing stories about the things they've done. If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil more than that - it's embedded above.

The costumes are impressive, but I can't help feeling this isn't how the characters I play in PC games would talk about me - or most PC gamers, for that matter. Saving the world, facing the gods, finding the good in a conflicted hero - we'll get to it, but we've usually got something else we want to try first. I don't have Sony's voice-acting budget, so I've written the PC gaming version of their ad as a screenplay.

1 - INT - BAR - NIGHT

An assortment of PC game protagonists fill the dingy bar, muttering angrily to each other. GORDON FREEMAN walks in, glances around and takes a seat - but says nothing.

MINECRAFT STEVE

He made me punch trees till my hands bled, just so he could build a giant wooden cock.

FREEMAN raises his eyebrows, but says nothing.

STARCRAFT MARINE

He sent my whole squad over a burrowed Baneling... (looking down, choking back tears)

And he didn't even spread us.

COUNTER-TERRORIST

The first time I ever killed a man, he made me crouch up and down on his face forty-six times.

ADAM JENSEN

When half the world resented my augmentations and the other half envied me - he made me use them to knock out hookers.

FREEMAN almost says something, but stops himself. There's a long pause as the crowd look at him expectantly.

GORDON FREEMAN

(Standing up)

Ravenholm! When no-one else would go there... one man made me replay it THREE TIMES.

ALL

Michael!

ARMA II SOLDIER

My unit was ordered to intercept an armoured convoy. He put me in a tractor.

ALL

Michael!

NOMAD

My Nanosuit cost 1.7 billion dollars to create. He used it to throw a crab at a shed.

ALL

Michael!

GORDON FREEMAN

(Sitting back down)

I don't even want to talk about the gnome achievement.