(image source)

Abortions in Decline, Dumpster Babies on the Rise

AMARILLO, TX— Hailed as a national victory for the Christian Right, abortion rates have shown sharp declines in recent years. While abortion rates have demonstrated downward trends for the past four decades, the last decade has seen more than a 25% decline.

Texas, the epicenter of the anti-abortion movement, has seen even greater increases due in part to large scale closures of abortion clinics across the state.

In conjunction, cuts to public healthcare, including access to birth control, have led to sharp increases in dumpster babies.

Amarillo, Texas has witnessed the most notable spike in these trash-loving infants. While the recent increases have caused alarm among some residents, not all Texans are worried.

Local women, Susan Jones believes the hysteria over the rise in dumpster baby populations is unwarranted.

“There will always be bottom feeders,” says Jones, “Dumpster babies are nothing new. If these filthy maggot-eating babies are too lazy to work, then they deserve to live in dumpsters. If it’s God’s Will, then these babies will develop a work ethic and escape their lot. While it’s all of our responsibility to protect innocent unborn babes, it’s not the job of Amarillo’s citizens to take care of these disgusting dumpster babies after they are born. This isn’t Communist Russia.”

While a minority of citizens have voiced objection to Jone’s sentiment, the majority of Texans are celebrating the decline in abortions.

“God smiles down upon Texas!” says Jones. “Life is a true miracle.”