Many of us in this high-paced world are either too busy or just plain unable to decide whether they are tired or whether they are depressed. How is one to know? After all, the symptoms are so similar. If you choose tired when you are really depressed, you may never write that next great number one teenage angst song. But if you choose depressed when you’re just tired, you may end up in the psych ward and who wants that? So here are a few guidelines to follow so you’ll know whether you’re in need of rest or whether you’re in need of prescribed pharmaceuticals: *If you fall asleep while watching TV you are tired. *If you fall asleep while eating you are depressed. *If you fall asleep on the couch during the day it is called taking a refreshing nap. *If you crawl into bed during the day it is called severe mental anguish. *If you don’t want to get out of bed because it’s winter and your bed is just too damn cozy then that’s just common sense. *If you don’t want get out of bed in the summer then that means you are completely mental.

If you take a nap for three hours straight that is depression. *But if you take a three hour nap due to an exhausting all-night drinking binge the night before that is being tired (the heavy drinking, though, is probably depression). *If you are laughing hysterically for no apparent reason, that means you are probably punchy and a little overtired. *If you are laughing hysterically because you are watching “Two and a Half Men”, then you are horribly, horribly depressed. *If you are cranky all day because of a bad night’s sleep then you are tired. * If you are cranky because your bad night’s sleep was due to you obsessing over Ryan Seacrest, then you are depressed – and possibly bipolar. *If you fall asleep in your cubicle at work, then you are just tired. *If you fall asleep at your cubicle and your boss busts you, then you sure as shit better tell him you are depressed before he fires your ass.

*If you fall asleep from going down on your girlfriend all night long, that is being tired. *While you are going down on your girlfriend, if you look up and see she is asleep, that is depression… …for the both of you. Question: What do you think of Maria? My Reply: She’s a nice girl. Wow, at first glance it looks like I said something! But, I didn’t. I used a word, in this instance the word “nice,” that has taken on so many meanings it no longer means anything in particular. “Nice” by today’s standards can mean anything from a “fat slut ball with a wide vagina” to a “cum guzzling starlet.” The circumstance for this method is obvious: when I’m referring to someone’s mother.