When Elizabeth Shin, a 19-year-old Korean-American student, burned herself to death in her dorm room at MIT, she left behind devastated and anguished parents who asked themselves again and again what they could have done differently.Elizabeth set herself on fire on a Monday in April 2000. Only the night before, on a Sunday, her parents had driven from their home in New Jersey to visit their daughter, the oldest of three children in a traditional Korean family. Her parents valued education and deeply wanted their children to succeed. Elizabeth was a high school salutatorian who made her parents extraordinarily proud when she was accepted to one of the most competitive universities in the country.When the Shins visited, they brought her lots of food and hooked up a new TV and VCR in her dorm room. Then they took her out for dinner before they went home. They said that their daughter seemed her usual self that night, very busy and happy.What Elizabeth kept secret from them was her profound depression and loss of hope. An academic star in high school, she was now struggling through some of her tough college courses. MIT called the day after the family visit to tell the Shins that Elizabeth had set herself on fire. She suffered third-degree burns over 65% of her body and died in the hospital a few days later.Why did things go so horribly wrong? Why was Elizabeth suicidal when she epitomized an Asian-American success story? Why didnt she tell her parents? And why didnt they realize how much their daughter wanted to die?Its always scary for us as Asian Americans to bring up such a topic. The majority of Asian American students are not depressed or suicidal, and we risk the danger of promoting such a stereotype. But we have also lost enough young people that we must begin to understand the roots of the problem.Elizabeths death is only one of many suicides that have made the news. Vi Nguyen, 23, a UC Berkeley senior of Vietnamese descent who hanged herself. Thomas Ray Hoo, 16, a popular San Francisco high school student and athlete who shocked his friends and family when he killed himself. Gene Kan, a 25-year-old, Chinese-American Internet millionaire who shot himself because he thought he was a failure.Why are some Asian-American students hurting emotionally?Most Asian-American families have a strong achievement orientation and children internalize these very high standards. Some students from immigrant families are the first to attend college and feel great pressure to succeed. Like Elizabeth, many are not only high achievers, but perfectionists. They have a great deal of self-worth tied up in academic achievement.For many students, pressures from parents and from within oneself can be enormous, leading to self-criticism, self-doubt, anxiety, and ultimately, depression and hopelessness. Even if theyre doing well objectively, they might still feel like abject failures.And Asian-American students are not just working for themselves. Whether or not they understand this truth, their job is not to fulfill themselves as individuals in the Western sense. Instead, Asian childrens foremost duty is to bring honor to their families, a reflection of the Asian emphasis on the group over the individual. Children are seen as extensions of their parents, which is why so many Asian parents feel free to tell their children what major or career to pursue. In other words, a childs job is to do whats best for the group, to fulfill parents wishes, and to make ones family proud. The thought of disappointing ones family can be unbearable.Unfortunately, such cultural differences can also make a child feel unseen and unloved: Why are my parents pushing me to become a doctor or engineer when I really want to be a graphic designer? Dont they care about what I want? Dont they want me to be happy?Often, Asian parents dont praise their children out of fear that theyll become spoiled or complacent. Instead, they criticize or shame their children into obedience, or they compare them to others in an effort to motivate them. As the thinking goes, dont praise the five As on the report card. Scold your child for the lone B so that shell improve.In fact, many Asian Americans are well-schooled in shame and guilt. Rather than telling a counselor or teacher that theyre stressed or depressed or having family conflicts, students try to hide problems or and resolve to work harder to fix them. Many have learned since childhood not to embarrass themselves or their families, so they restrain their emotions and endure suffering quietly.Mental health professionals have noticed how often Asian Americans can keep up the outer appearance even when the inside is crumbling. Despite the despair, they keep up the grades and activities and stay out of trouble. Being labeled the model minority doesnt help, either. People like Elizabeth Shin and Gene Kan arent supposed to be depressed.What motivates some Asian parents to act they way they do?Perhaps one of the saddest aspects is that many students cant tell their parents that theyre depressed. Nor do many parents ask about their childs mental well-being. And yet, research shows that Asian Americans with family conflicts are more vulnerable to suicide.Asian parents are often stereotyped as pushy and uncaring, but this characterization is one-dimensional. There are many cultural reasons for the behaviors. If outsiders dont believe that Asian parents love their children, they only have to look at the devastating aftermath of a suicide, which causes overwhelming torment and grief for a mother and father left behind.In Western culture, parents often shower children with hugs, kisses and praise. In a traditional Asian family, parents show love in a traditional, nonverbal way. They care about education and work hard to give their children opportunities. Like the Shins, they visit their children at college, bearing food and gifts and taking them out to dinner.Just as many Asian parents are reluctant to verbally express love, many are also uncomfortable talking in-depth about emotional problems. Because Asian cultures value interpersonal harmony within the family, parents and children alike do not bring up problems in order to avoid conflict. Because many Asian families arent practiced in talking about emotional issues, children often believe that its pointless to discuss problems with their parents.Furthermore, mental health and counseling are unfamiliar concepts to many Asian families. Mental illness is considered shameful and theres little understanding about mental disorders, including depression. Often, Asians attach a stigma to revealing problems or seeking help because doing so would signal personal immaturity, weakness and lack of self-discipline. Or they worry that mental illness could be seen as a hereditary flaw that shames the family. In addition, parents feel guilty because they believe that childrearing contributes a lot to how a person turns out.In contrast to the Western focus on emotional issues, the traditional Asian view of mental health is not based on feelings, but on the ability to work hard and behave properly in ones social roles. For example, a father who can provide for the family is considered mentally healthy. A son or daughter who is doing well in school is considered mentally healthy.Unfortunately, grades are not a good measure of a childs well-being. As we have seen, high achievers can be one step away from killing themselves. Whether the problem is family conflict, romantic breakups, academic failures or a deep-seated sense of inadequacy, young Asian Americans commit suicide when they see no release from intense emotional pain except through death.Psychologists have long known that among the young, suicides are often impulsive. If students can survive their teens and early twenties, their judgment and impulsivity often improve. When they mature and are more able to cope with depression, suicide may no longer seem like the only option. If parents can better understand their childrens emotional needs, especially the need for love, affection, understanding and acceptance, the pain and turmoil in a son or daughter may soften.So how do we heal Asian-American familiesparents and children alikeso that we no longer have to grieve for all the promising young lives lost?(Source added: NYT Magazine cover story from April 28, 2002. Who Was Responsible for Elizabeth Shin? - The New York Times If you have trouble with the link, please Google, "Who Was Responsible for Elizabeth Shin?")