(Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

I came up to him after his show at Carolines.It was a mediocre set which received tepid laughs. He was sitting alone at the bar on his phone muttering what sounded like angry rambling when I introduced myself.

I initiated the conversation but played it coy. He ate it up. A few lines back and forth and he was asking for my number; which I gave to him. I had to get going to make my volunteer shift at the Animal Hospital but he wanted me to stay. I told him I had to get there because my favorite cat patient was getting his paw amputated and I wanted to be there for him. He said “Nothing worse than an untended to pussy”. It seemed corny, but I thought it was coming from a good place.

I left and before I got to work he had already texted me. “Yo good meeting you gurl.” I texted back “Thanks you too” with a smiley face. He sent back an eggplant emoji then said sorry and followed it with a thumbs up. He’s a comedian and you know how they are about bits: overzealous.

At the Hospital, Ravioli (my favorite patient), had complications during his surgery and had to be put down. I was terribly broken up about it. As I was crying in the alley behind the animal hospital, I got another text from him “U up?” I responded with “Ravioli has passed on”. He texted back with “Come over, I’m hungry and the only thing I like eating more than Ravioli is pussy.” I said “You want to eat pussy?” He said, “Fuckin’ right I do! I’ll send you an Uber”

I got into the Uber and went a few blocks. The drivers phone rang and he answered. “Hello?…..Really? You’ll give me how much?” I heard him say. Then the driver looked in the mirror addressing me “The gentleman on the phone would like to know how much you want to get your pussy eaten?” I laughed and thought “Man he loves these bits”. The driver said into the phone “You venmo me now yes?” and hung up. He looked into the mirror again to me saying “You’re in for a fun night” He dropped me off at the Millennium hotel in Times Square which seemed tacky but Michael reassured me that we were only here cause he gets the room for free cause he knows the manager. I got to his room and he opened the door wearing a kimono, holding a bottle of champagne in one hand, and twirling a dental dam around his finger in the other. “You ready to do this?” I smiled and said “Yeah” I’d had a bad night and having my pussy eaten by a celebrity seemed like a good karmic payout.

We got right into it. It wasn’t the worst at first, it was ok. He laid me on the bed and I said “Oh is this the time?” He responded “Time for what?” “To get my pussy eaten I said.” He looked hesitant and said “Now?” I said “Yeah now? You just asked if I was ready to do this….” He said “Don’t you want to shave first?” I had shaven fairly recently but I was a little stubbly and I thought it was kinda sexy. So he called room service and asked them to bring up shaving cream, razors, and lotion. We waited around for 5 minutes in awkward silence sitting side by side at the foot of the bed.

When room service arrived he invited the guy in and asked him to put the stuff on the counter in the bathroom. He tipped generously and put his fingers to his lips to signal a shhhhhh. As the door closed I sprung to my feet, went to the bathroom, and got to shaving. After a few minutes of chipping away at my stubble I was all good to go.

When I walked out, he sat upwards on the bed like a Rodin sculpture having a ponder. His erect penis was already wrapped with a cheap Lifestyle condom, which could have been less off putting if it hadn’t been orange. It made his dick look like a harvest candle ring from Kmart’s fall catalogue. I giggled and said, “I’ve never been with a guy who wears a condom while giving oral sex.” He didn’t seem to think it was funny and started to complain about a tongue ulcer. “It’s on that part of the tongue that does on the flickin’,” he said. I guess he meant the frenulum, but whatever. The point is he started to have this nervous energy, like someone with cold feet. Except his tongue was the problem.

“I know women prefer intercourse, so it’s really a non issue,” he said. I think he could see the look of disbelief in my eyes, because he quickly followed it with, “At least all the women I been with, shiiii-”. I cut him off with a scoff. “Aren’t you always on your periods anyways?” It was a lot of ignorance at once and I began to feel like Marvis Frazier in the first round of a Tyson fight. “You’re clearly not serious about this,” I spat as I went straight back into the bathroom for some clothes. “No, I’m serious,” he said in earnest. “I really don’t know anything about the female anatomy.” I admit it made me laugh, but I was a bit aghast by how serious he seemed to be. Against my better judgement, I assumed the best in him because I am naive and stick to rose colored principles.

Some women might talk bad about a man’s anatomy or shit on their sexual performance. I’m not one to make judgements against them lest I cast the first stone. What I will say is that while it wasn’t the worst seven minutes of my life, it certainly wasn’t the best. Much like the current cast of SNL. And much like SNL there’s a lot of talk with little follow through. Ugh, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I guess the point is, if you’re not gonna eat my pussy, at least eat my ass.