I know I’m continually apologizing for how infrequently I update my blog. At least I would be if I updated my blog enough to justify the qualifier “continually.” I feel more explanation is required.

For those of you who I haven’t told, here is my blogging process: I store all of my photos on an online photo site, so I go there and pick out all the photos related to a particular part of the project and slap them onto a WordPress page. Then I weed out some of the crappier or less-relevant ones. Then I stare at the screen for twenty minutes. Then I do something else, promising myself I’ll return to WordPress that evening or tomorrow or at that weekend at the absolute latest.

Four months go by.

During those four months, I’ve probably created several other “drafts” (aka wordless photo collages) because while I’m totally super busy with really important stuff I’ll at least take a few minutes to import some more photos just so I have a few pages in the can when I finally get serious and make time to write like ten blog posts at once while sipping Lagavulin 21-year and staring out the window of my imaginary lake cabin.

In my mind, that’s who I am. I’m Ron Swanson and Henry David Thorough combined. With Wi-Fi.

Two more months go by. I think, Come on, man, this isn’t that hard, it’s kinda your thing, right? You’re a writer. But I’m not. I hardly ever write anything, and when I do, I usually just paste pithy quotes to my Facebook wall. But you’re really good at it—everyone says so. Just vomit it up and you can edit it later.

Yeah man, I know I’m good at it everyone says my writing is really funny and insightful but I think sometimes they’re just humoring me like have you ever wondered if you’re actually mentally handicapped and everyone is just humoring you like some even-more-twisted version of the Truman Show yes I know I’ve told that joke like ten times and I stole it in the first place but it’s a legit fear, okay not legit but plausible right? And both my parents and my wife keep telling me I should write a book and that’s sweet but how can I write a book if I can’t post on a silly blog more than every six months not to mention there are so many more important things I should be writing about like how Christian wackos are killing random people over abortion and Muslim wackos are killing everyone over everything meanwhile everyone is praying to the invisible wizard in the sky who made/allowed all these things to happen to please not do it again and by the way I have the Packers plus seven-and-a-half over the Lions and my parlay busted last week can you help me out? And don’t forget you promised your friend you’d read Infinite Jest so you could discuss it what were you thinking you poser Infinite Jest is written by a tortured genius and is like nine hundred pages and you wouldn’t know Kierkegaard from Louis CK wow are you much more under-educated than you feared I mean you went to public school but Bettendorf was supposed to be a really good one however I did learn AP European history from the assistant football coach oh god and don’t forget that for a “reader” and a “writer” you have the vocabulary of a syphilitic merchant marine I mean have you ever heard Russell Brand talk I think he’s just making up words at this point just to troll us; hey don’t think about that because the new Mad Max video game isn’t going to play itself how will Jeet’s tribe thrive in the Wasteland if you don’t collect enough scrap to build a maggot farm and as soon as you defeat Scrotus’s hoards don’t you dare forget the like million other computer games you bought during the most recent Steam sale after watching hours of YouTube videos of teenagers playing those same games Jesus man are you a bumbling idiot or are you so overwhelmed by the real world that you’d rather play pretend with colored LEDs like some adult Lite-Bright registered trademark and hey lazy-ass shouldn’t you be focused on your career I mean you’ve been at the same job for almost a decade and been promoted once what the hell kinda weak sauce is that but maybe if you focus on this blog you can use it as a springboard into writing important stuff like how everyone but me is wrong about how to defeat Daesh/ISIS or about how I can’t believe that some people still think the earth is only ten thousand years old come one people facts are things or about how I want to murder anyone who has ever said “I could care less” or about why hyperbole is literally the worst problem our culture has ever faced but don’t let them know that every time you read “hyperbole” you hear “hyper-bowl” they’ll think you’re an idiot and oh yeah have you learned yet how to spell Wendesday without sounding out “Wed-NES-day” in your head and then immediately falling into a nostalgic stupor over your love affair with the original NES aka Nintendo Entertainment System boy I bet your mother regrets buying that for you because she felt bad you had the chicken pox maybe if you weren’t physically and emotionally addicted to the short-term pleasures of video games you would have become a doctor or a lawyer or a famous writer or at least you would have finished restoring this FREAKING CAR ALREADY.

Then I start writing.

The control arms are only one part of the Monte Carlo’s suspension system that needed to be cleaned. To save time, let’s just do a MONTAGE!

That’s a good place to stop for today. Next time, you’ll watch me react in horror as I disassemble the drum brakes and find an entirely self-sufficient swamp-alien civilization.