My mother just called to give me some very bad news — a young relative had died early this morning. He was a man whose entire life was one series of life-threatening situations after another. He was born with severe birth defects. So, although his untimely death came as no real surprise, it was still shocking and heartbreaking to our family. He had overcome so many seemingly impossible health challenges that one more “medical miracle” didn’t seem out of the question.

For over twenty-five years I faced similar soul-shattering scenarios, but I had always believed that my relationship with God and my communications with him (through prayer) would carry us through any situation, no matter how painful.

But then I became an atheist.

So what does an ex-believer do when praying to a God you no longer believe in is not an option?

Admittedly, even though “nothing fails like prayer” to actually get anything done, there are personal benefits in the very act of praying itself. These benefits have been clearly documented by physicians, psychologists and philosophers in countless books over the last few decades. My approach is different. It’s neither clinical nor is it scholarly. I’m simply asking the question — how to pray when you’re an atheist — because I loved to pray as a Christian and I still love praying as a non-believer.

So yes, to get the most pressing question out of the way, an atheist can in fact pray. (If we stretch the definition of prayer just a little).

So here’s 4 keys to praying like a Pentecostal…as an atheist.

1. Find a good listener:

During Prayer we experience the benefit of having the perfect sounding board, an imaginary listener who never interrupts and never makes themselves the subject of our conversation. Atheists may never be able to fully fool themselves into believing that some one else is actually listening whenever they speak out into the void but the practice can still be very effective. My best suggestion is to find a true friend to share not only your innermost thoughts with, but also your life. In the course of writing my book, I poured my heart out to my co-writer Ethan Brown. His unquestioning attention and the safe place that it created for me did more good than all my years of praying combined. If you can’t make a good friend, hire a great therapist.

2. Be real:

When sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings with no one or no-thing, there’s far less pressure to maintain a facade or to pretend to be better off than what we really are. It feels refreshing to step into our Prayer closets and to allow ourselves to become emotionally naked. If you have a friend that can be completely trusted this should still be possible for the non-believer. If not, please don’t let this exercise pass you by. Find a secluded space, start talking out loud about what’s troubling you and don’t stop until you know that you’re no longer pretending or hiding from your true self on any level.

3. Let go:

Some Atheists seem to struggle with the idea of “going-with-the-flow” with their emotions. Unrestrained emotions are considered by a portion of non-believers to only belong to the domain of religion. For that reason they feel that some forms of emotional expression can be dangerous. In the religious world I was raised in, emotional displays were not only allowed but expected. In my experience, you’ll know when you’re no longer hiding when the tears begin to flow.

4. Listen to your heart:

The combination of feeling as if you have the ultimate listener’s undivided and nonjudgmental attention with complete self-honesty mixed with emotional release can all work together to make the act of praying both comforting and regenerating.

You might ask, this kind of prayer may “feel” good, but what if I’m seeking advice? Again, “IF” my opinion is correct and there really never was anyone listening to your prayers during your believing days, then who was really giving you advice and direction? Well, you gave it to yourself. This one realization alone changed my life dramatically for the better. You possess more insight and strength than you probably realize. So pour your heart out and then listen to what it has to say about your situation.

The Way Forward

Atheists (and everyone one else for that matter) should never stop “praying”. That is to say, everyone should have a good listener in their lives and everyone should strive to be completely honest with themselves, to the point of bringing their emotional selves to the surface.

As my family enters the grieving process over this precious person we have now physically lost from our lives, there will undoubtedly be much praying. Of course, some of those prayers will only be the handed-down mumblings of religious tradition that we use to fill the space created by the uncomfortable silence which naturally arises from a lose for words. Other prayers will be more sincere expressions of supplication, asking for personal strength or for the divine support of another grieving loved one. Yet, most of the praying that my family will engage in, will simply be to each other. This form of personal, highly emotional prayer not only passes the time, it helps all of us emerge from life’s hardest tests.