The global economic downturn is forcing parents of Williamsburg hipsters to drastically scale back their monthly allowances, forcing many of them to turn to drastic measures to pay for their PBR and Edensoy, drastic measures like actually getting jobs.

A story in Monday's New York Times details the horror.

Luis Illades, an owner of the Urban Rustic Market and Cafe on North 12th Street, said he had seen a steady number of applicants, in their late 20s, who had never held paid jobs: They were interns at a modeling agency, for example, or worked at a college radio station. In some cases, applicants have stormed out of the market after hearing the job requirements. "They say, ‘You want me to work eight hours?' " Mr. Illades said. "There is a bubble bursting."

The economic crisis and the subsequent scaling back of hipster financial lifelines has also had a detrimental effect on the real estate market in Williamsburg, long the province of people who work diligently to cultivate the look and smell of vagrants living in boxcars laced with excrement while residing in lavish loft apartments.

Ross Weinstein, a managing partner of the Union Square Mortgage Group, has worked with hundreds of Williamsburg apartment buyers in the past two years. "A lot of the money came from family," he said. "That piece, it's gone for a lot of people." In the boom years, Mr. Weinstein said, 40 percent of the mortgage applications he reviewed for buyers in Williamsburg included down-payment money, from $50,000 to $300,000, from parents. About 20 percent of the applications listed investments that gave the young buyers $3,000 to $10,000 of monthly income. Mr. Weinstein has been advising two brothers in their late 20s who wanted to buy a $700,000 apartment with $250,000 from their parents. But their parents' investment portfolio has lost so much value that they now can give only $50,000. Since the brothers make about $45,000 a year each, they are now shopping for a $500,000 apartment.

For the love of God how will these hipster brothers ever get by in a crappy $500,000 apartment? We demand that King Obama bail out the hipsters! How else will they have enough floor space for all their hipster bros from LA to crash when their band is in town to play a CMJ showcase at The Charleston? How else can they throw parties without a vacant, darkened room designated specifically for coke-snorting and sloppy blowjobs? You don't really expect them to use their bedrooms for such things, do you? This is America, dammit!

If worse comes to worse, perhaps the hipster brothers can subsidize their income with Sesame Street location fees?

Parents Pulling the Plugs on Williamsburg Trust-Funders [New York Times]