I don’t drink, I just jerk off all day. My dick looks like the chick’s back in 12 Years a Slave. Porn upon porn upon porn. The only lotion I have left has rosemary in it. It’s from a spa. They mix in fresh herbs. Rosemary just aggravates the scabs. I ride my bike and it’s like I dropped a live belt sander in my underwear.

Porn upon porn upon porn. A girl comes home to her apartment. Her older female roommate is angry. The young one locked herself out. Forgot her keys. Forgot her bills. The older roommate forces her to wear an adult diaper and be spanked. The dialogue is improv. Like all porns the acting is Punch and Judy. Until you get to the spanking. The girl’s squeals and cries are perfect. She really sounds like a small child. Jerk off dry in the sink. Ten hot ropes. Look up, you want the face in the mirror to be ashamed. But the eyes just say “yeah, what of it.” Back to the desk. You are about to close 8 tabs. Are you sure.

A woman in lingerie talks to the camera. Your tiny little cock could never please me, she says. You watch porn wishing you hadn’t made porn. Thinking about behind the scenes is distracting. Picture her picking her stupid day glo underwear out of a rolling suitcase. You watch ten SPH JOI videos. Small Penis Humiliation, Jerk Off Instructions. Give ’em each ten seconds until you find one where the girl shows subtlety. Most don’t understand the fetish. Their words are cartoonish and on the nose. They speak the subtext. You small dicked loser, how could you think that pathetic pinky cock could ever make me cum. What I want is visceral disappointment and contempt masked with fake kindness. Like in life.

But that’s two layers of acting. Remember, these are just whores who want to buy clothes. Their way out of this life is an autotuned dance album they’re recording. A meth dealer with a sculpted beard who knows Garage Band is producing it. Ten seconds each of ten videos. They all suck but cumulatively they get you off. The sink, the mirror, the desk. You are about to close 10 tabs. Are you sure.

A fat woman talks to the camera like it’s her father. Daddy, I want to have your baby, she says. Promising. Fat, but she’s blonde hair blue eyes. Natural blonde, like Katie, like Molly, like girls who don’t text you back. Hair the color of a grass sprout before the sun ever hits it. Bubble gum pink nipples. Just don’t look at her gut. Women talking into the camera saying they want to have your baby. Mostly it’s custom videos for a guy who paid a grand to hear his name. Steve, I want to have your baby. No one with my name ever has these videos made.

Mostly the girls are whores, and they look like whores. White girls with Mexican girl makeup. Streetwalker dresses and day glo underwear. Heels they leave on . A porn star is a drag queen with a pussy. Their whole livelihood is male sexuality but they still don’t get it. Fake tits tight dress. Plucked “surprise” eyebrows. Makeup like a third grader got in her mom’s stash. A look meant to catch a trick’s eye thirty yards out from a car window.

Just dress like a normal chick. Look at a picture of a girl who went to college– dress like that. Talk like you’re talking to another human being. It ain’t hard. But men are so desperate they keep paying for this shit. And I keep watching it. Jerk dry into the sink because of the god damn rosemary. The back of my dick where my thumb sits gets five layers rubbed off, turns a sick salmon color like a burn. With a chick it takes an hour to get hard again. With the fetish porn it’s fifteen minutes. Once they learn to wear white cotton panties it’ll be game over. I’ll die at my desk from a cock hemorrhage. There are worse ways to go.