The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round – 15 North Dakota State 97, 7 Providence 87

This is why we watch.

This is what we do it for. Those long hours starring at a television screen, listening to Stephen Bardo make analogies about Big East toughness that don’t make sense to any English speaker, experiencing Dan Dakich talk about himself, lots and lots of whistles and so much dumb shit terrible basketball, are all for this.

North Dakota State upended Providence, 97-87, in the second round of Reddit March Madness to become the second-ever No. 15 seed to play in the Sweet 16.

“I started chuggin’ with a little more than two minutes left when Tyson hit that shot,” said North Dakota State head coach David Richman, referring to a jumper nailed by senior guard Tyson Ward with 2:18 to play to give the Bison a 92-87 advantage, “and I haven’t stopped since. WOOOOOO!”

The Bison pulled away from there, scoring another five unanswered points before the final horn sounded. In all, North Dakota State finished the game on a 10-0 run in roughly the last three minutes of the game after Providence knotted the score at 87-87 with 3:32 remaining.

This was the final moment before Providence fans had their souls crushed and their hopes smashed into tiny, little pieces.

Ward was a major part of that, putting up 35 points on 12-of-19 shooting and a 3-of-6 mark from deep. His statline was otherwise hilarious – one rebounds, zero assists, zero blocks, zero steals – but didn’t matter. The 35 points was more than enough to get him named Player of the Game.

“I like scoring. Points are fun,” Ward admitted. “I don’t like passing. Sharing sucks. Rebounding is annoying. Big dudes are sweaty. Blocks and steals are stupid. Defense is for nerds.”

While this isn’t nearly the same gut punch that Florida State took losing to North Dakota State as a No. 2 seed, there is still quite a sting there for Providence. This is a game its fans have to have felt it could have and should have won, all things considered, and that this was about as good a time as any to finally break that now 27-year Sweet 16 drought.

Providence head coach Ed Cooley was very supportive of underdogs and Cinderella in his press conference earlier today, and now after defeat, he continued his grace.

“This sucks. I’m not going to lie, this hurts a lot right now, and it’s not going to ever stop hurting,” said a conciliatory Cooley. “But I’m glad it was North Dakota State, if it had to be anyone. Good for them for sticking it to the man. Providence has never been one of the favorites. We’ve never been loved much at the big boys table. We’re right there with you, North Dakota State, fighting against injustices that the power-six elite inflict on the mid-major many. Conquer them all and those them what a true sham this really is. Be our savior, North Dakota State. Be our everything.”

David Richman burst into the media room suddenly, busting through the doors, then stopping and moving while standing still like only a truly shithoused individual can.

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am,” David Richman slurred, stumbling across the room and pointing his finger in my face before clumsily slipping it down my chest as he slumped onto me, collapsing to the ground in a heap of celebratory revel. “I swear to drunk I’m not God.”

David Richman was rushed to the emergency room to have his stomach pumped. He has recovered and since been discharged from the hospital. With a BAC of .87%, he set a new North Carolina record for drunkenness that night, David Richman bragged in a press release.

“I was the drunkest anyone has ever been in the state of North Carolina,” his statement read. “Pretty sweet, right?”

North Dakota State will take on No. 3 seed Seton Hall in the South Regional Semifinal in Houston, its second Big East foe in a row. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.