Well, Looks Like It’s Salmonella For Dinner Again

1st place in Derby #231: Over-Indulgence, with 520 votes!

Okay, so, let’s just get this all one hundred percent on paper, now, okay? Your pizza place was losing stock at night, and so you set up some cameras to see which employee was responsible. Then, when you looked at the tape, you found some… what was it? Tortoises? Oh, just regular turtles? Oh, not regular, the ninja kind. Well, that explains how they busted the locks without leaving any traces. No, no, please. Go on with the story.

Uh huh. And they made a bunch of pies? And took them back to their home in the pipes beneath the city? And that’s why you didn’t know your food-making service was contaminated with sewer bacteria and you caused a massive hepatitis outbreak among your customers? Sure, sure, it all makes sense now. Could have happened to anybody! Oh, but before we close the books on this, I got one last question… what about the rat problem? Oh, I see, it was just one very fast rat. And is he a ninja too? Oh, he’s their master! Hey, that really makes sense!

What? No, you idiot, I was being sarcastic. CHARLIE! PUT UP THE WARNING SIGN AND PADLOCK THE DOOR! THIS PLACE IS SHUT DOWN PERMANENTLY FOR MASSIVE HEALTH CODE VIOLATIONS! Here’s your court date. Do yourself a favor and try to find a bulldog for a lawyer. Apparently with your connections, it shouldn’t be hard.

Wear this shirt: while pulling an all-nighter studying for your genetic mutations final.

Don’t wear this shirt: while defending your doctorate in Art History. If you have to explain why it’s funny, it’ll really bruise some egos, and that might count against you in the long run.

This shirt tells the world: “Yes, I’m completely sure you guys deliver to this address.”

We call this color: Reporter Kelly Green Took Over The Desk After April Got A Producer’s Position

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