Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence, acting Coronavirus Czar, has spent several days praying to God to stop the coronavirus pandemic, but his efforts have yielded no results.

A defeated looking Pence held a press conference this morning to discuss updates on the coronavirus’s continued spread across the American population.

“I gave it my all,” explained Pence, speaking in a tired, slow pace. “Coronavirus is just too strong. I don’t know what is going on. I’ve tried speaking in tongues, baptizing myself a second and third time, donating money to charity, handling snakes, self-flagellation, self-mutilation, stoning a neighbor for working on the Sabbath, forcing my wife to sleep on the roof when she got her period, sacrificing animals, going to Walmart and opening all the condom boxes and poking holes in the condoms with a thumbtack, protesting Planned Parenthood, checking my daughters’ hymens, tearing out all the pages on the reproductive system in the local high school’s biology books, launching a lawsuit against Hollywood for all the bulges in the tight spandex superhero suits exhibited in the Avengers movies, and I even circumcised myself a second time! And still God forsakes me! What else can I do? I’ve never seen God so tempestuous and angry before! What did the gays do to make us have to suffer through the coronavirus? Was it that homosexual movie adaption of the musical Cats? Is it the new Lady Gaga song? Was it Pete Buttigieg talking publicly about his husband? Did RuPaul pick too flamboyant a contestant on her drag show? Tell me, God! Tell me so I can make everything right!”

Mr. Pence then collapsed onto the ground in a fit of sobs.

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