Few people have the opportunity to create bold new fake pedagogy. This is an elite, exclusive world. Fake means something guaranteed not to work. You say you teach reading but the kids are illiterate. You say you teach history but your kids don’t know Ben Franklin from Ben Affleck. You say you teach general knowledge but your students can’t find Washington DC on a map of the US. Who can get away with swindles like these? Well, of course, members of our very own Education Establishment can get away with anything. But not ordinary people.

Fair warning, this fake-pedagogy business requires skills at the genius level. You must have a PhD in dishonesty. You need the steady nerves of a supreme con artist like Bernie Madoff. You’ll require the compassion of a snake.

The closest most people can get to this dream job is something like phony dieting plans. Follow instructions for a month, you tell people, and they will lose 40 pounds. And you don’t know one thing about medicine or nutrition. That’s the spirit. Good effort. But this is still beginner level.

Fake pedagogy at the Hall of Fame level not only doesn’t work, it knocks the brains right out of you. People get dumber. They have cognitive deficits. These poor saps start first grade full of excitement, hope, and mental clarity. But at the end of the year they’re actually going backwards.

The Secret Inner Mechanisms of Three of the Most Successful Frauds in American History

Now let’s examine the secret inner mechanisms of three of the most successful frauds in American history. (To repeat, criminal genius is required to devise these things. Amateurs should not attempt such projects at home.)

No Math Guaranteed

The main gimmick used in New Math, Reform Math, and Common Core Math is very simple. For elementary school kids, mix in things that a sixth or eighth-grader would have problems with. Now you’ve got total paralysis of the brain. You’ve got tears and vomit. Why would you mix different levels of material if you wanted them to learn math? But you don’t! So you swirl together some of this and a lot of that. Anyone for Base 8? Teach it all quickly. Spiral around from one fragment to another. No mastery allowed. Kids can’t guess what you’re doing. All they know for sure if they hate math. Mission accomplished! You’re a genius. Parents might sense what you’re doing but you laugh at them so they feel pathetic. Twenty years later, everybody you touch will still be suffering from your genius.

No Reading Guaranteed

For thousands of years, people learned all phonetic languages the same way. You memorize the letters (i.e., the alphabet), and then the sounds of letters, and then the blends of those sounds. Children typically learn to read the first year of school.

The geniuses in our Education Establishment came up with a crazy new proposal. Don’t bother with the letters and sounds. Instead memorize the shapes. You see a graphic design like this: gxG. You’re told that this word is pronounced “school.” Nobody can explain why those scratches are pronounced “school.” It’s all arbitrary. No logic, no history, no mnemonic prompts. You see gxG, you say “school.” If you can remember it. Memorizing 500 sight-words is very difficult. Most people can not reach 1000 and this process takes years. Surprise. That’s when you find out, for all practical purposes, you’re illiterate. You’ll never read a book.

No Knowledge Guaranteed

The trick here is so simple, only a genius could think of it. You tell teachers, in every subject, in every grade, they can no longer teach. Zip it! Traditional classroom activities are gone forever. Students do their own research, construct their own knowledge, thus the jargon Constructivism. And then everyone pretends that students learn as much not being instructed as they do being instructed. You can’t have bogus pedagogy without a stupid lie at the center. No teaching equals better teaching. Sure it does.

Good News

We are not discussing imaginary futures here. All of these fantastical confections have been operational for decades.

It’s as if you designed a driving school. Not only do your students not learn to drive, they have accidents and kill pedestrians. That’s genius.

If you have the talent required for human potential abatement, consider enjoying this exciting frontier. People will never be so simple that we can’t make them simpler. That’s our faith.