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Don't mistake my childhood desire to never live in a world where meatball subs weren't considered a reasonable breakfast as a desire to never have a girlfriend. Fat people get boners just like anyone else, and dammit, I wanted to do something with mine. But there was a problem I was going to have to overcome to make that happen. Specifically, I had to overcome the fact that chicks just don't instinctively like doing it with fat dudes. Coasting by on my looks wasn't going to cut it, and I knew that. Fortunately for me, at some point during my formative years, I heard this quote ...

"Give me 10 minutes to talk away my ugly face, and I'll bed the Queen of France."

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... and everything changed. I went from thinking "I'm too fat to have a girlfriend" to "Holy shit, you can just talk them into it?!?!" almost immediately. The quote is most commonly attributed to Voltaire, but I couldn't have cared less about who it came from. It was the greatest line I had ever heard, and seeing as how I had heard it in an actual classroom (which still strikes me as a bit odd), it had to be true. Everybody knows school never lies.

And with that, I set about learning something during my school years that would actually benefit me in adulthood ... how to talk to women.

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Here's a heads up that should horrify any parents out there. Even as a wee pup of just 12 years old, I was able to gain access to stacks of books on how to quickly and effectively bone the ladies, and all I needed was a library card. There was no Internet for me to use back then, so I imagine it's much easier now. Granted, nothing I read in those books helped, but all of those bullshit tips and tricks and pickup lines gave me enough confidence to at least try it out. And there's not much that the old adage "practice makes perfect" doesn't apply to. Laugh it up all you want at the visual of a fat kid sitting in the corner of a dusty library reading whatever the late-'80s equivalent of The Game might have been, but that shit worked. I might have been (and still am) fat, but I sure as shit wasn't (and still am not) lonely.