This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

Most awesome thing I’ve done recently (in a thread re-railing attempt)?

Well, I played an elderly wizard in a high-level game recently. His "character idea"? He was a spellcaster undergoing a midlife crisis and he was ronery and alone fom a lifetime of studying musty old tomes.

So he ended up buying a COLOSSAL airship (One hundred tons), hiring himself a crew, making said crew neigh-invulnerable with some bullshit spells (Hide Life in particular), and then becoming the scourge of the land, sky, and sea. By the middle of the campaign, he had made himself a mobile fortress, and vowed to hunt down the Tarrasque so that "Nobody would ever forget me again!".

He ended up getting just what he wished for in a way even HE didn’t expect: Whilst he was aiding the PCs in building themselves an uberfortress (Combination of an artifact that allowed Epic Teleport at-will and a massive army of imps he summoned and permanently bound for them), they went on a standard raid on some distant fortress. After some standard monster hunting, we end up running into a Lich. A high-level Lich. Somehow, through an epic roll, the party barbarian intimidates a fucking LICH into becoming a sniveling coward. The Lich declares that though they may kill him, his patron is a much worse being to deal with.

Midlife Crisis Wizard asks who the fuck his patron was, expecting some archdemon or devil or something. It's the fucking Tarrasque. Turns out that Smartass McWizard here fucking AWAKENED THE TARRASQUE. On top of that, after a few more threats and some firm knocks on his phylarcy, he admits that he did more than make THE most dangerous creature in the univers sentient.

He trained him in wizardly spells. Well, FUCK, turns out the Tarrasque is now packing levels in fucking WIZARD. I'm fucking applying my palm directly to my forehead at this point. More below.

Now, we continue adventuring, and I make my airship more kickass as the rest of the party works on our uberfortress. We add some kickass Tesla-style cannons to the battlements, get a freaking moat of pure lava straight from the Plane of Fire (With Elder Fire Elementals we buffed up inhabiting the moat), and somehow manage to get enough people in our fortress that it becomes a sort of United Nations meeting spot for people to peacefully discuss things.

This place has the WORKS. Ghosts bound to patrol against ethereal invaders, specially-made golems monitoring a series of scrying windows (effectively a security camera system), and a cadre of about thirty-odd spellcasters of 8th to 12th level constantly toiling away to help reinforce and add onto what is currently being built. Magic weapons are commonplace in the armory, and the guards are all elite soldiers drilled to fight everything ranging from savage goblins to horrific illthids (All of which we captured specimens of, or simply teleported into our bestiary).

Things are looking pretty fucking sweet, but we know what's going to happen. Tarrasque the Wizard is still out there, and fuck if we know what he's got planned. While we have comprehensive defenses, we can't monitor everywhere at once. He could very well be in his own little demiplane, conjuring legion after legion of monsters, or crafting enough golems to swarm us. But we continue to prepare, even going so far as to import three or four dragons (at extravagant expense, but what do we care) to reside as a permanent supplement to my airship patrols. Dragons, after all, are much more agile than my 100 ton "Kick Your Ass' ship.

Then it happens.

Yep. The Tarrasque appears. And even worse, he's called in a FUCKTON of soldiers to aid him in what can only be described as, "Bowser gets smart, decides to use all his troops to take over the kingdom rather than nab a single princess". His Lich "follower" is pretty much left to rot as Tarrasque the Wizard ends up unleashing some heavy duty magic on our asses. Now, we expected a fair number of troops on his side, but we forgot something important: The Tarrasque was a fucking Tarrasque, and if you add magic into the mix, you're just /inviting/ trouble. He had apparently made some friends in the Abyss (the very same sort of people we tended to piss off in our numerous adventures), and- as we were to later discover- he had indeed used the Genesis spell to create his own little demiplane.

One where he had created a continuous Time Stop-esque effect, slowing the passage of time outside enough to allowing him to amass enough golems and monsters to actually stand a good chance against us. And by "good chance" I mean he had something on par with the giant army from the LOTR movies.

And we didnt have a Gandalf to save our asses. Fuck.

It was at this point that we're shitting a gothic cathedral, staring at the troop numbers of what he had prepared (Effectively having enlisted most of the Archfiends and a good number of horrifically evil demons to monster mash it up). Hell, he even had an entire PLATOON of Adamantium Golems that just shrugged off direct hits from the Blast Disk field we had set up around our castle perimeter. He was just holding back at the rear of the army, hi-fiving the other archfiends as the rest of this horrible army began to charge at our front wall.

Up above, the airship I had spent all campaign preparing was finally put to good use. Thunderstone-tipped bombs knocked holes in the advancing horde, arcane rockets (Effectively maximized fireball spells) sailing into the mass of golems, demons, mercenaries, and other creatures below. More than a few Vrocks attempted to attack the airship, but a few well-placed Mass Earthbound spells made sure the worst of them were pinned below and the rest left at the mercy of repeating crossbows.

The battle raged in front of the giant lava moat, the Adamantium Golems making a solid battering ram of fists as they began to bore through the walls, monsters following behind them as- up above- permanent Walls of Force protected the troops from demonic siege munitions. Mostly.

It was at this point that we whipped out everything we had: Ranging from artifact weapons that could make a man's flesh into solid adamantium to a fully-functioning Repeating Cannon of Magic Missile (Basically a magical gatling gun). Blood ran so thick, the magic so suffused with magic, that blood golems actually formed in the middle of the melee and attacked both sides. We knew that it was only about to get worse: the Tarrasque was beginning to move towards the fray, having torn off one of the defensive towers and used it as a makeshift baseball bat, which he intended to use as a mallet on one of our party members currently holding off a pair of Pit Fiends in a duel.

And that's when the S.S. Kick Your Ass came to the rescue. Having poured all of MY money into the airship, it was naturally the most badass thing to ever sail the skies. A solid diamond hull, over thirty omnidirectional fireball turrets to hit any one target, and each crewman had been specially enchanted with Hide Life (Which basically made them a living Lich, which could continue to function beyond -10 HP. Never age, never die, just keep getting injured and chugging on). But that wasn't the REAL masterpiece here. It was the anchors, which I had built with the Tarrasque specifically in mind. Why? Because each anchor weighed somewhere on par with twenty thousand pounds, held specially suspended by a Reverse Gravity spell carefully regulated.

And was solid adamantium.

With a cry of, "Drop anchor!" the airship swooped in on the Tarrasque, four ten-ton anchors made from solid adamantium crashing into his insanely massive bulk. Even with all of his contingency spells, they barely made a dent on the chains as they impaled the beast.

"Full steam ahead!"

The engines, a clever recreation of antimatter by mixing negative and positive energy, reached full blast. 150 MPH in a single round. 1800ft per round.

We were pulling four gees in under six seconds, the Tarrasque dragged along for the ride. Moving at near-escape-velocity, this one-hundred-ton behemoth began to ferry the sentient Tarrasque away from the battle, the gigantic chains- intended to stop the massive vessel dead in its tracks- beginning to bend and warp under a constant barrage of Disintegrate and Lightning Bolt spells (All, of course, Maximized and Quickened). Several crewmen were vaporized as the shocks traveled up the chains, but still the airship plowed on, sending the gigantic beast tumbling through defensive wall after defensive wall, crushing countless thousands of its own troops as it thrashed for a grip.

It found one.

Grabbing onto one of the walls, it held onto the chains hooking it with a feral smile on its face. Yanking firmly, the entire airship suddenly halted. It had the two things it needed now: The support of the wall and the unbreakable lever of the chains. Watching with horror, my wizard felt a sudden tearing motion as the Tarrasque began to pull the airship closer. In my foolishness, I had made sure the chains were completely anchored to the very core of the airship so as to prevent the Tarrasque from breaking away too early.

Yet now it was beginning to haul me closer, its giant claws bringing me countless feet towards the ground with each mighty tug. I was not going to get out of this, I knew. Even as I had the engine at full burst, the giant monster still had an insane amount of strength to counteract the engines, the hordes at its feet crawling up its body and onto the giant metal links of the chain, heedless of risk as they attempted to try and reach the airship held captive. It was at this point that the party sprung into action. Calling in a few favors from our celestial contacts, the party Cleric did what could only be considered the impossible.

He tore open a hole straight to Heaven. And down they came, with an immaculate chorus, celestial beings of every make and type. Ranging from Devas that clove Vrocks apart midair, to even the puniest Lantern Archon that seared rank upon rank of Imp with holy light. The party Barbarian, mentioned earlier, entered his greatest Frenzy yet, inspiring an entire platoon of our heavy infantry to charge heedlessly into the enemy ranks, taking wounds that would fell a mortal man without even blinking.

We were gods of battle, and heaven and hell waged their war around our knees. The Tarrasque gave a mighty heave as the airship almost came within striking range of those deadly claws, but it soon became apparent what his intent was. Grabbing the solid mithral tower he had clutched earlier, Tarrasque released his grasp of the wall, ramming a stake through the heart of our vessel. A hole rent straight through the diamond armor, taking out several of the munitions bays in the process. Secondary explosions began to gut the vessel as our celestial reinforcements began to falter, the Archfiends entering the fray with Tarrasque at this point. Demonic lashes took out score after score of the divine beings, leaving only undead and fatal amounts of negative energy in their wake. The raw amounts of death these beings radiated were enough to kill mortals and reanimate the dead.

Despite our Cleric's glorious efforts, the battle seemed sure to be won by the Tarrasque and his forces. My airship was dying, deck after deck going up in flames as the fire suppression system (A sentient water elemental that constantly funneled the ship's water tanks to the necessary areas) was overwhelmed.

This was it. The end of our fortress, our preparation incapable of holding off the tides of the Tarrasque, the Slayer of Adventurers, Archmage of the highest power.

It was at this point, watching as his pride and joy was slowly destroyed by a mirth-riddled the Tarrasque, that he finally said, "Enough of this bullshit."

With a fearsome bellow, he grabbed ahold of the helm of his vessel, struggling at the controls as flames continued to rip through the countless decks. Crewmen continued to work even as their flesh boiled, their loyalty to "The Cap'n" driving them to labor through the pain. At his direction, the airship's "force fields" (Enchanted keyholes throughout the vessel, each one linked to a Wall of Force in that section of the ship) were all activated except along one route, every munitions not yet destroyed by the flames armed and rolled out into that central path.

My wizard knew what had to be done. Grinning below, he kicked the control wheel forward, the entire airship beginning to dip forward, the metal chains ripping the hull further as the Tarrasque was given a direct view of the airship's bridge. Opening its maw wide, it complemented the wizard on his willingness to stare death in the eyes, even as hordes of monsters began to infest the ship. Drawing his hands together, the wizard prepared one final spell, the battle-ender he had been saving for this entire time.

His last command echoed throughout the vessel, his crewmen each obeying with stern faces and firm resolve. Even as abomination after abomination tore into them, rending limb from limb, they awaited that order. The order to bring them into everlasting glory.

"Fire all torpedoes!"

And with that, the crewmen obeyed, arming triggers pulled on each rocket, the munitions remaining in the vessel all going off. The walls of force funneled the blast, even as the crewmen in the path of the explosion were instantly atomized by the sheer weight of the flames. Those not in the immediate path of the flames accepted their fate: For even as the flames quickly killed those directly in their path, those throughout the rest of the ship were flash- boiled by the heat alone. They would have to live through this agony, the enchantment upon them forcing them to endure the agony of having organs boil without the release of death.

The wizard simply smiled as the engines of his ship detonated, the planar engine going critical as the detonated munitions funneled the entirety of the energy directly out of the vessel's flanks. The entire rear half of the ship exploded, the front half- including the bridge- becoming a one-hundred-ton bullet aimed straight for the exposed mouth of Tarrasque the Wizard.

The airship buried itself into the warded mouth of the monster, the sheer number of contingency spells flashing into life, shearing what was left of the airship into tatters as all manner of defensive enchantments attempted to protect the Tarrasque from the fate it was doomed to endure.

But even as Maximized Disintegrate after Maximized Disintegrate tore through the bridge, as Chain Lightning and Fireball seared his flesh, the wizard did not relent. His comrades in arms for all these years watched as his airship railed into thr Tarrasque's yapping mouth, the creature possessing a momentary look of panic before screaming. Then a mushroom cloud of raw astral energy erupted out of the top of its skull, its brains raining down on the army below as the equivalent of an antimatter bomb went off in its skull, tearing through the (slightly soft) flesh of its upper jaw and into the massive brain.

The wizard's words echoed throughout the field, "I wish that..."

The entire battle seemingly paused, the fighting subsiding considerably as the Tarrasque tottered, its body swaying back and forth as it frantically tried to regenerate what was lost.

"The Tarrasque dies, the world goes back to normal."

No Fun Allowed [ edit ]

Nice story, but the Tarrasque is a Magical Beast. Awaken only works on trees and animals. And for it to succeed, you have to make a Will save equal to DC 10 + the animal’s current HD. Even if the Tarrasque were a valid target for the spell, the Will save would be DC 58+. Just how high a Will save bonus does that Lich have?

Not to mention that being an Undead creature, a Lich has immunity to all mind-affecting effects (charms, compulsions, phantasms, patterns, and morale effects). It really should be impossible to intimidate one. At least, intimidate seems like a mind-affecting attack to me.

The DM was playing very fast and loose with the rules with this one. How DARE the GM ignore the rules a little bit in favour of doing awesome things where everyone involved had a radical time? I swear, people like this who think that... ugh... having fun is the objective of a roleplaying game just make me sick, you know? I'm fairly sure you're not a real person unless you slavishly obey the RAW with no deviation whatsoever. I wish it was legal for WotC to send out the contract killers on these guys.