MOST British men have no idea what masculinity would actually involve, it has been confirmed.

As Diane Abbott, professor of nothing at the university of nowhere, declared that men were being far too masculine, most men said she had obviously never met them, or any of their friends.

Or anyone they went to university with.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “Should I be having more fights? Jesus Christ, that sounds hellish. And anyway, how would I actually do that?

“Do I get to wear a helmet? Is pinching acceptable? And, crucially, if I give in will the other chap stop hitting me?”

He added: “According to the Guardian, if men stop being men then Britain would save £42 billion. If I stop being me, then the Waitrose deli counter is going to lose about fifty quid a week.

“There will also be redundancies at Nivea.”

Stephen Malley, from Hatfield, said: “I quite like Manchester United. Is that masculine? It’s not, is it?”

But Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I suspect Diane Abbott is talking about men from housing estates. But they have always been very masculine. Or, to put it another way, terrifying.

“I should really give this issue some thought, but I’m trying to be more masculine.

“Grrrrrr.”