MIDDLETOWN, NJ—Rattling off reason after reason why his hometown sucked, rock icon Jon Bon Jovi sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he’s been feeling jealous of a former classmate lately who had managed to make it out of New Jersey. “Michael McCleary, man, that guy bought a one-way ticket out of this shithole and never came back,” said the 56-year-old musician, admitting he sometimes fantasizes about what his life would have been like had he moved west with his best friend after graduation and enrolled in college instead of starting a band and working gig to gig “in Monmouth fucking County.” “Apparently, he’s a big-shot accountant living in California while I’m just some middle-aged chump stuck in the Garden State playing shows at the same old venues. Jeez, if Michael could see me today, I wonder what he’d think of old Jon Bon Jovi?” At press time, Bon Jovi took a moment to reflect and reassured himself that while things were bad, at least he wasn’t stuck living out in Colts Neck like his buddy Bruce Springsteen.

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