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If like me, you are about to become a third country national in Luxembourg following a No Deal Brexit (this month or in the coming ones), you might need to take some drastic action

Yes I am learning Luxembourgish, and yes I will take the citizenship tests, but not before the end of the year. In the meantime, here are some alternative options for staying in Luxembourg.

Make your own residency card

If you've lived in Luxembourg for more than five years you qualify for a carte de sejour. If you're married to an EU institution employee you’ll have a titre de légitimation. If you don’t qualify for either, fear not – you can make your own residency card. You will need a passport-style photograph, a stamp with the date on it, some card and coloured pencils. Design your own style of background (a sketch of the Bock casemates or a watercolour of the Ducal Palace perhaps), stick on your photo, stamp it, and fold it in half. Print out some boring legal words (NB must be in French or Luxembourgish) and stick on the back for that truly authentic feel.

Hide in your house

For several months of the year, Luxembourg sits under perpetual grey skies, and it is perfectly acceptable to live a life incognito within the walls of your house without ever setting foot outside. Spend your many hours of free time working on your home-made residency card and cultivating pots of orchids that you can place in every window. That way no one will ever suspect you’re an illegal immigrant.

Claim food addiction asylum

Being taken away from your favourite foodstuffs must be some form of torture. Claim you are addicted to Kachkéis, Crémant, and Rieslingspaschtéit, and that you would wither away to nothing if forced to leave Luxembourg. On that diet you'll probably be dead in a few years anyway, so the authorities will doubtlessly take pity on you.

Become a space explorer

If you’re job is critical to Luxembourg's economy then no one will be checking your passport, plus there are no passports in space – yet. Undergo intensive astronaut training and learn about astrophysics, because Luxembourg is investing heavily in space (and planning to increase its GDP contribution from 1.8% to 5%). Orbit the earth for a few years and you never know, Britain might have rejoined the EU by the time you touch down.

Invest in Bulgarian citizenship

If you haven’t got a granny from Ireland or Italy (the easiest way to gain a nationality that’s within the EU), then fear not, you can get Bulgarian citizenship if you have a half million Euros down the back of your sofa that you are willing to invest in zero-interest government bonds. This option will only work for UK citizens who are extremely rich and don’t care if their cash is being spent on rebuilding cardboard castles and cheese fortresses.

Schwätzt Dir Lëtzebuergesch?

Not a linguist – tough luck. British Embassies advice to Brits living in European countries is to get local country citizenship. Thanks for that great diplomacy there. Luxembourg has developed a small cottage industry of teachers who are willing to drag you kicking and screaming through the language and citizenship tests, no matter how bad your language-learning skills. So give up work for a month, learn the lingo and spend your weekends hanging about the Gare in case you have to describe it.

Relocate to Parc Merveilleux as a flightless bird

If all else fails, panic about or ignore the situation. Choose to be a chicken (flapping) or an ostrich (head in sand) and hope that Brexit will be delayed indefinitely. Whichever option you choose, as a flightless bird you can hide in Parc Merveilleux from April until September after which you must hide in your house (see option 2).

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