WASHINGTON—Frantically searching desk drawers, file folders, and the soil of a potted plant, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly ransacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office Tuesday in order to steal the corresponding answer key for the questions investigators planned to ask their father. “USA Patriot Number Two, this is USA Patriot Number One, do you copy?” said Eric Trump, who scrambled through the office on his hands and knees to check the floorboards for hollow spots while speaking to his brother via a Power Rangers walkie-talkie from across the room. “Make sure to cut open all those seat cushions and dump out that cup of pens. Dad is counting on us. If he doesn’t get these answers in time for the interview, he’s screwed. I’m squirting lemon juice on everything to make sure there’s no secret messages written in invisible ink.” At press time, the Trump boys were forced to turn off their flashlights and hide under the desk after Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao unexpectedly walked into her ruined office.

Advertisement