It was in Chicago, that city made notorious by gangster Al Capone, where President Bush at an impromptu news conference in 2004 said if somebody in his crime family broke the law, “that person will be taken care of.” (Ha ha. Actually, Bush said “Administration,” not “crime family.”)

Even so, truer words were never spoken. Bush “took care” of White House consigliere I. Lewis (“Scooter”) Libby by commuting his sentence after Libby’s conviction for lying to a grand jury, didn’t he? And if former White House press secretary Scott McClellan is right that Bush was behind Libby’s bid to discredit former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, we’ve got a criminal don-in-chief that can keep his accomplices out of the slammer.

When Capone ran Chicago, owners of 20,000 speakeasies poured his beer, and thousands of cops got paid to help him roll out the barrels. Chicago was so lawless New York Mafioso Lucky Luciano called it “a real goddamn crazy place! Nobody’s safe in the streets!” What might Luciano have said upon visiting don Bush’s Baghdad?

Bush’s power far exceeds anything Al Capone wielded. Bush reached half way around the world to execute enemy Saddam Hussein for his alleged role in 9/11. At least, when mobster Joe (“Joe Cargo”) Valachi made a mistake he confessed, “You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.” Bush thinks no apology is due for invading Iraq and lynching a fellow wiseguy.

Despite his crimes, Bush may never make the deserved journey from the White House to the Big House. The cowardly Congress allows him and his consiglieres to remain at large. They live well and dine well. When goodfellow Senator John McCain, an ardent Iraq war backer, spotted the dubious fare spread out for him at one campaign stop, he said, “I’d love some spaghetti.” McCain can eat for the many that are going hungry in Iraq tonight, thanks to his votes. Apparently, spaghetti sauce doesn’t remind McCain of you-know-what.

Unlike Capone, don Bush does not break laws to defy the government. He is the government. Bush has even more right than Capone to declare, “My rackets are run along strictly American lines.” He’s Capone gone global. Like Capone, Bush solemnly observes the Fourth of July and, also like Capone, he has earned the right to celebrate St. Valentine’s Day. Capone wiped out seven associates of “Bugs” Moran in that infamous 1929 Chicago massacre. As of this November 23, according to Information Clearing House, Bush has eliminated 1,118,625 residents of Iraq. Capone would have been awed.

The thorn in Bush’s set-up is that, unlike traditional Mafia “made” men, his soldiers can quit. They’re jumping ship as his ratings plunge faster than a corpse chained to a block of cement tossed into the Chicago River. So he hires new loyalists. There’s Michael Mukasey, the nation’s second Jewish Attorney General, who will be a regular menace if he’s as ignorant of the commandment God gave Moses not to kill as he is of how the White House mob justifies torture. As Joey (“Crazy Joey”) Gallo of New York’s Profaci Crime Family once said, “You like Federal judges? I”ll buy you one for Christmas.”

This holiday season, Mukasey may be the consigliere that helps eXterminator Bush put the X back in X-mas.

Those who regard don Bush as a failure just don’t get it. He’s pulled off the most sensational heist in the history of crime: his Iraq war has pushed global oil prices sky high. This just happened to improve the value of ExxonMobil and Chevron’s oil reserves by $666 billion and $250 billion, respectively, Greg Palast wrote in “Armed Madhouse” (Plume Books). The other oilglopolies are also bathing in boodle.

Every motorist in America today is paying twice as much for gas ($3.09) as when don Bush took office ($1.52). As Jay Leno cracked on the “The Tonight Show:” “The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three people---the CEOs of Exxon, Texaco, and Shell for figuring out how to quadruple the price of oil over a seven-year period without an actual shortage.” And to think “Godfather’s” fictional don Vito Corleone dabbled in olive oil.

If don Bush seeks a new career, he could give Hollywood a spaghetti western hero in the remake of “For a Few Dollars More.” It’s what wiseguy government is all about. #

(Sherwood Ross is a Miami-based reporter and press agent for good causes. Reach him at

sherwoodr1@yahoo.com