When we become entangled in anxiety, we very often start to criticize ourselves for feeling the way we do. But research clearly points to the fact that this is actually counter-productive. Self-criticism doesn’t do any good if we want to change the way we handle our anxiety. And it certainly doesn’t help us change the way we feel. In fact, it often leaves us feeling worse because in addition to feeling anxious we then also feel bad about ourselves. We add insult to injury.

People in the Buddhist tradition have long understood this dilemma and that’s why the meditation teachers of old came up with something they call the grandmother mind. It’s a way of treating ourselves that resembles they way a grandmother treats her grandchildren.

A grandmother is full of love and compassion for her grandchildren. She loves them without conditions, no strings attached.

for her grandchildren. She loves them without conditions, no strings attached. A grandmother takes care of her grandchildren without needing anything in return. She cares selflessly and she has only the children’s best interest in mind.

and she has only the children’s best interest in mind. As she loves her grandchildren, she won’t allow self-destructive behavior and step in when necessary. But she will always do this with the utmost care and love.

These very same qualities we need when we deal with anxiety. It’s in stark contrast to the critical inner voice and high demands we often set for ourselves.

The grandmother mind is the antidote to our critical inner voice.

So when we develop a grandmother mind, we learn to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion. It also helps us detach from our ego and let go of the — often unrealistically high — expectations we have of ourselves. And when we numb ourselves by overeating, smoking, drinking or binge-watching (or any other strategy we like to use to get away from uncomfortable feelings), the grandmother mind can help us get back on track. (If you’re interested in the research behind this, here’s an interesting study.)

Having said all this, it obviously doesn’t come naturally to us. We need to continuously remind ourselves that it’s okay — even beneficial — to treat ourselves with the love and kindness of a grandmother. But if we manage to make it a habit, it has the potential to transform the relationship we have with ourselves.