A mom reportedly hired strippers to show up at her 16-year-old’s birthday party, and she’s being charged with a crime. This is why we can’t have nice things. Shouldn’t kids learn how to objectify women in a controlled and safe environment with adult supervision, or do you really want them learning that stuff out on the street from Hannah Montana?

New York mom Judy H. Viger allegedly hired strippers to perform at the bowling alley where her son was having his party. The strippers allegedly performed lap dances. Viger was charged with child endangerment; her lawyer claims that she will cop to a plea. Child endangerment!

Like “I’m going to beat you with this switch” endangerment, only instead of a switch the kids got hit with fake stripper boobs….

To be clear, I think that a mom hiring male strippers for her daughter’s 16th birthday would be okay too. See, I’m not sexist. We’re talking about sixteen-year-olds, what are you supposed to get them for entertainment? A clown? If anything, I’d be FAR MORE CONCERNED about leaving my child with some creepy dude with face paint than a professional stripper. Getting inappropriately touched by a clown is a secret; getting inappropriately touched by a stripper is a story.

And don’t even get me started on how many parents are going to make a birthday present of the PS4 (mine comes Friday) or XBOX One with “Call of Duty: Kill All These Motherf***ers In The FACE.” But hiring a girl who is “just trying to pay for college” is a big deal.

Anyway, Viger probably would have gotten away with it — and by “gotten away with it,” I mean left to do her thing without the scorn of a puritanical community of hypocrites — if she hadn’t posted pictures of the strippers at the birthday party on Facebook. From the Post-Star of Glens Falls (gavel bang: ABA Journal):

The charges pertain to a party held Nov. 3, 2012 at the former Spare Time Family Fun Center in South Glens Falls. The allegations, which have resulted in extensive media attention, came to police attention after Viger posted photos of the dancers on social media websites, and parents who had allowed their teen children — some high school freshmen as young as 14 — to attend the party became upset when learning of the “dancer” performances. Viger, 34, told police she paid for what she thought would be a “bikini gram” for the party in which women in bathing suits sing happy birthday. South Glens Falls Police, though, found evidence that contradicted that account, and said teens received lap dances and Viger did nothing to stop them. One teen had a nipple bitten and was scratched by one of the women.

My God, just look at all the learning that happened at this party:

Nothing good ever comes from mixing strippers and social media.

There’s a difference between being “tamed” and being “domesticated.” Strippers are the former, they bite and scratch.

There’s no point in having them around if you’re not going to the champagne room.

Nobody goes swimming in stripper clothes.

Bowling alleys are way more fun when girls are there.

34-year-old mom, 16-year-old son, math math math, oh, everything makes sense now.

These kids learned more about life on this planet than if she had taken them all to the Museum of Natural History. Sounds like a great, age-appropriate birthday present to me.

Stripper birthday mom will take plea deal, her lawyer says [ABA Journal]

Stripper birthday mom taking plea deal, lawyer says [Post-Star of Glens Falls]