To: all current employees of Ghostbusters, LLC

From: Dr. Peter Venkman, Ph.D. Ph.D.

Fellow ‘busters,

Times are changing. Back in 1984, when Ghostbusters was just a little startup, the founders relied on an informal style of communication that kept us lean and mean. But now we’re living in a different world. We’ve just hired a new head of human resources, Susi DeKalb (hi, Susi!), who comes highly recommended to us by a very nice attorney we’ve been working with at the Department of Labor. During her first day on the job, Susi made the brilliant suggestion that the company might benefit from the reexamination of some of our most treasured founders’ stories.

For example. I’m embarrassed to admit that, at one point in the past, I uttered the phrase “Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.”

Among the many things I’ve said that I regret, this is near the top of the list.

First, the entity I was addressing, Gozer, was hardly prehistoric. If it was, then we would have no way of knowing about its previous forms, i.e. the large and moving Torg and the giant Slor. Second, Gozer’s gender was beside the point, if only because it was changeable. Gozer possessed our accountant, Louis, who was arguably male, and also the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, which had no genitals, but did have a sort of masculine essence. (Also, we were at 55 Central Park West, which is not downtown.)

So, let’s consider. If I had correctly credited Gozer as having originated around the peak of Mesopotomian-Sumerian civilization, would it have left New York in peace? If I had not attempted to rather transparently impugn Gozer’s virility (or, arguably, its maternity) by calling it a “bitch,” would it have refrained from manifesting as a giant corporate mascot, wreaking havoc on our society in a poignant parallel to Reagan-era capitalism? The answer to both questions, I think we can all agree, is no. But Susi tells me that gender and cultural sensitivity isn’t always about tangible results. Sometimes, it’s just about making the other person feel “safe.” That’s a direct quote. So I’d like to explore that.

A few minutes before I implied, and then impugned, Gozer’s gender, Gozer asked Dr. Ray Stantz whether he considered himself to be a god. Dr. Stantz answered in the negative. Can you think of a greater example of a white man checking his own privilege? Imagine what rewards could have been his, if only he had taken the plunge. For example, he might have been granted the power to make frivolous lawsuits go away, thus eliminating the need for a lot of bureaucratic red tape and unnecessary hires in the future. Hindsight is 20/20. But in recognition of Ray’s humility, I immediately let him know that, from that point on, if he wanted to publicly identify as a god, then he shouldn’t listen to any detractors. This company was way ahead of its time on that sort of thing.

Finally, Ray and I may have indicated, in front of the mayor of New York, that a male inspector from the EPA, who was in the room, did not possess a penis. The inspector, Mr. Peck, was accusing our company of fabricating supernatural disturbances in order to make money. We thought we were just trying to get him to shut up so that we could save the world from an apocalypse. But Susi has explained that what we were actually doing was “establishing a pattern of behavior.” After all, what difference did it make whether or not he had external genitalia? I’m now willing to admit that it didn’t. The inability to distinguish between an imagined problem and an actual problem is not a failure limited to men. I hope that clarification makes certain people happy.

Should you have any related questions or grievances, please address them to Susi. Her office door is marked with a couple of wavy lines.

Who you gonna call?

Peter Venkman