ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion. “You can put the whole thing on my card,” said Grimaldi, who had also gallantly ferried the maiden in his horseless carriage to their village’s Planned Parenthood clinic. “I’m going to kill some time at Best Buy. I’ll swing by in about an hour, but text me if you get done before that or if it’s gonna be a much longer thing.” At press time, Grimaldi had squired Webster to a sumptuous feast at Denny’s and was eyeing the ample bosom of a comely young wench who strode forth bearing lunch.

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