Our doors are open to you, Tourist. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but we need you. Salem is a tourist town now. Past lucrative industries, such as leatherwork, board games, innocent old lady hanging, and fishing have dried up for us. You're really all we have left.

Welcome to Salem, Tourist! We are very glad to have you. Whether you are a school child bundled up into a bus made of yellow and social awkwardness, a visitor from our great Neighbor to the North, or just a wanderer who set out weeks ago, driven by a whispering inner voice telling you that only in Salem will you be made whole, our fine city welcomes you.

We need you to shop in our stores, eat at our restaurants, and to visit our historic sites. We need you to follow that red line that snakes through town wherever it goes and if you could stop at every corner and hum the Liturgy of Lethargy so that Great Naumkeag who lays sleeping beneath the Salem Underground does not stir in its sleep, we'd appreciate it.

But, Tourist, I get the sense that you are a more discerning individual than most. Maybe you've visited Salem before, bound by permission slip or wedding invitation, and are looking for something different. Maybe you are a patron of the more esoteric arts? Maybe you just woke up in one of our many world-renowned ditches and are looking to lay low for awhile. What did you do, Tourist? What did you do? Can you even remember? Do you want to?

Salem has so much to offer you. Just look at the guidebook you've probably brought with you or the placemat from the diner you just ate at. You'll see a host of options arrayed for your passing delight. Want to walk with ghosts? We have that. Your palm read? You can go to each of our three dozen readers and never get the same reading twice. See a real house of horrors? The Artist's Row Restrooms await you. Lose all sense of self-worth? Just follow the Segways. You can do all that and more.

I'm sorry, Tourist. I'm asking you too many questions. We respect your privacy here in Salem. I apologize for pressing you. Let me make it up to you by giving you some tips regarding five Salem attractions that lay off the well-trod red-lined path, sites seldom seen, but once you see them, they will be hard to forget.

Carved from a single piece of black ivory, this arch is an exact duplicate of the McIntyre Arch that dominates the north end of the Salem Common. The Shadow Arch matches the McIntyre in almost every detail, except for the profile relief at its apex is the actual whispering skull of McIntyre himself. Visitors are encouraged to ask it questions, but under no circumstances should you listen to its answers.

To find the Shadow Arch walk widdershins around the McIntyre arch three times at night. The phase of the moon determines the gift you must bring in order to return to our world. Full: A porcelain doll. Gibbous: A litre of fine spirits. Quarter: A picture of you as a child (eyes scratched out). Crescent: A yellow ribbon tied in four knots. New: A toe (doesn't have to be yours).

The Wilted Smokestack

Upon your approach to Salem, you probably saw the two smokestacks that dominate our skyline. Did you know there's another? You could not see it as you drove in because it has sagged over the years, curling and sloughing like a candle left in the sun. What will happen when its tip finally reaches the ground? Will the whole structure shudder and writhe, a giant worm made of red brick and failed dreams? Why not drop by to find out? Last time I was there the top of the building was a mere feet from the ground and a deep, wet breathing noise could be heard from its gaping opening.

Start on New Derby Street and walk east towards Derby Street. Continue past Derby to Old Derby, then down Proto Derby until you get to the Derby That Almost Was. You will see a line of knotted, gnarled trees. Do not approach them. Skirt the trees until you see a hanging sign creaking in a breeze you cannot feel. Look up. The Wilted Smokestack should be looming directly overhead as if regarding you.

HAARP Weather Array, North Shore

Though most of this device (owned jointly by the United States Navy, Central Intelligence Agency, and a few more shadowy agencies of unknown intent current law will not allow me to list here) is buried underground in the cavernous network of tunnels that wind beneath Salem, you can still see the various aerials dotted about town. If you are unhappy with the weather you are currently experiencing on your Salem visit, simply approach one of the aerials. After the nice military men in black help you up from your face down position on the floor, you may request a change in the weather. The Government is usually happy to comply, although in return you will owe them a favor in return, one you may never, every decline.

HAARP Locations in Salem: Lighthouse at the end of Pickering Wharf. Roof of garage at Congress and Derby. Peabody Essex Museum, Sub-Basement G. Slightly too grey rock at Waikiki Beach. Gonyea Park, Northey Street.

The Sunken Colossus

There was a time when Salem was the mercantile power of the Northeast. In the pride that came before Salem's fall and Boston's rise, the local Fiscal Conspiracy decided to boast of their power in the form of a bronze colossus, a giant structure that would put even the classical wonder of Rhodes to shame. For years, the Fiscal Conspiracy hoarded resources, so focused on the imagined splendor of a huge metal merchant standing, arms placed on his hips, laughing at the Heavens that would soon dominate the Salem harbor. Sadly, their hubris distracted them from the rise of Boston's own harbor as an economic powerhouse. Hoping to restore Salem's place on the shipping world's stage, they rushed the project to completion. They were too late - Salem's day had passed. Ruined, without funds, the Fiscal Conspiracy could not afford the upkeep on the statue, a structure that was not too solidly built to begin with. The Colossus of Salem fell into the sea the second winter after its construction.

It used to be easy to go out to view the colossus's sunken form, but then the Rockmore closed. Now, if you want to get out there, simply slip the skipper of the Fame fifty bucks and he or she should take you close. You might have to look closely, though, as I think pieces have gone missing over the years. Perhaps the Fiscal Conspiracy once more is rearing its monied serpent's head?

The Treetop Village

A recent addition to Salem, the Treetop Village is a vast building project begun by recently enthroned Lord Skritch, that mysterious eight-legged noble squirrel who has taken up court in Salem Common. The Village is made from much the same stuff as Skritch's palace - silken webs, bones, and twigs. Only Phase One is complete, but there's still a lot of activity to see if you come down to the site. In addition to a pulsing central hive of activity, you can interact with some of Skritch's subjects who populate the Village, weeping and slowly pulling branches and twigs towards the hive. Don't talk with them too long (no idea why you would - they usually just beg you for the sweet release of death) lest you incur the wrath of the black leather clad Elite Guard that are always watching from the heights.

To find the Treetop Village, follow signs around town for the Pioneer Village. When you find the one that has a black slate reading 'Thus Always To Those Who Defy Skritch' webbed to it, turn right and head down the path into the dying area of the nearby woods. When you find a twisted oak with three squirrel skulls nailed to it, you're there!

I hope these secret Salem locations interest you, Tourist. If they don't, no bother. You can always follow the red-painted line like the rest, never looking up or around, never aware that each step is taking you closer to your doo- AWESOME FUN TIMES.