Message

So you talk about OKCupid as the solution for finding other partners for a poly relationship a lot, how the hell do I talk to these girls without coming across as a creep?

First read this. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Done? Great.

Now, like I mentioned before, the dating scene is massively skewed and yes, as a guy you are expected to be charming, witty, and self-deprecating. You’re not charming, witty, and self-deprecating? Well, you’re going to have to learn.

Yes, this whole system is kinda broken, but it’s the best we’ve got.

I wish it was more egalitarian, and that more women went and actually sent out messages, but unfortunately being a feminist and wishing the world was a better place doesn’t make it so, especially since most of popular culture is against this idea.

Get a good-quality picture

This isn’t about the “be attractive, don’t be unattractive” problem, it’s about having a well-lit, representative picture of yourself on your profile. Bad quality, underlit phone-camera pictures can be a massive turnoff/deal breaker.

Don’t be a PUA

Some people go and use cut-and-paste messages that they found on PUA forums and send them out to every woman who looks reasonably attractive and lives nearby.

This will get you replies. However, it won’t get you replies from women who are savvy enough to know you’re acting like a massive asshole and are incapable of thinking of something interesting to say. Carpet-bombing may hit some targets, but it’s a better idea to be a more charming, witty and self-deprecating version of yourself.

A poly woman may very well hear from her girlfriend that you’ve sent the same message to both of them.

Don’t think so hard

Find nearby girls you are a high match with. Read their profile. Spot some of their interests, write a message about it (no more than two or three paragraphs at the most), press send.

Don’t over-think this stuff – what you’re doing is the online equivalent of approaching a woman in a bar and saying you like her [item of clothing of choice]. She’s the one who now has the power to pick and choose you (or not).

Don’t get obsessed

You’re not entitled to a reply. People have shit to do, or might not be interested.

The logical thought here may be that she could at least send a polite “no thanks” but the problem is that for every “Fair enough, cheers!” reply from the guy, she gets 10 “OMG you are such a bitch do you think you’re better than me or something”-type messages.

Don’t just message one person, and wait for a reply, and then get sad if they don’t. Send a bunch of messages (5-10, no carpet-bombing) and you’re more likely to get a reply.

There are many, many people on OKCupid just like there are many, many people in the world. The first person you find interesting is not the only one out there.

Don’t be a cynic

Don’t go “OMG all women are such bitches thinking they are better than me”. Frankly, if you can’t deal with rejection you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship, and you’re not the “nice guy” you claim to be.

Be open about being poly

Don’t hint that you’re looking for open-minded people or people who aren’t jealous – women are likely to think you are cheating on your partner.

Clearly state your relationship status.

If you’re not okay with being open or are in a situation where you can’t be open, change that situation before you start dating online. I feel that everyone should be as open as humanly possible to avoid misunderstandings.

If your partner has an OKCupid profile, link to it (without being incredibly sappy and saying something like “this is unicorn69taco, the love of my life and mother of my children and my primary partner and you will never be as close to me as she is”). It will show you are really poly and open about it, and it’ll show how awesome your partner is.

Be open about what you’re looking for

Be clear about the amount of time and emotional space you have to offer. Don’t give the wrong impression to women, and don’t go after single women (with no poly experience) looking for serious, long-term primary relationships, if you’re looking for a secondary partner – you’ll give poly people a bad name.

Move reasonably quickly

If the conversation is flowing, take it to another medium. Ask people for their IM handles or, if you’re so inclined, their phone number, within the first 2-4 messages (not the first one – that is creepy).

If the other person isn’t comfortable giving you that information, they are probably not interested.

If someone is having a conversation with you while not romantically/sexually interested, by the way, this doesn’t mean they are “leading you on” or “a cocktease” – that’s male entitlement for you right there.

It’s supposed to be fun

If you find yourself sticking to strict rules, using the same tactic every time, and becoming obsessed with getting replies and dates…you are doing it wrong.

Don’t treat online dating as a game in the sense that you are supposed to win at it – treat it as a game in that it’s supposed to be fun and exciting for everyone involved.

Calm down, have fun, get out there.