LABOUR unveiled its manifesto today with a bold pledge to do something really complicated and confusing with the education system.

Labour leader Gordon Brown said parents would no longer have to put up with their child being stupid and lazy and that failing schools could be taken over by NHS trusts or possibly the local fire brigade, especially if they are not on fire.

Mr Brown said: "If a school is found to be producing stupid children we will begin a process whereby the parents can claim special points using their Nectar cards.

"When they reach 1000 points they will have the right to exchange them for a new chief constable, an old-fashioned matron or, if the school is on fire, they can use them to rent a bucket."

Under Labour's plans schools will become not-for-profit accident and emergency departments, hospitals will be granted academy status and all complaints against the police will be made into an elaborate quilt which must then be hung over the door of the local library.

Mr Brown insisted: "Healthcare must be provided on a personal basis. You should be able to go to the doctor and be treated for the thing that is wrong with you rather than the thing that is wrong with someone else.

"And if you can't you should be able to vote that doctor out at a by-election organised by a faith-based mountain rescue service."

He added: "Every citizen will have a guaranteed legal right to the highest quality public services. Of course no-one knows how that can possibly be enforced, but that's what makes it all so exciting."

The manifesto also includes a pledge to restrict VAT increases to things you actually need and a promise to force English people to speak English.