PHILADELPHIA—Leading them to a special, cordoned-off area for customers with only the most discerning tastes, sperm bank manager Timothy Vaughn took a wealthy couple to a secret back freezer Thursday where the real good stuff is stored. “Sir, madame, right this way,” said Vaughn, leading his well-coiffed clients past the regular, run-of-the-mill vats of frozen sperm to a vault in the back where he punched a long string of numbers into the security terminal, which opened the heavy metal doors to reveal rows of glistening crystal vials containing the highest quality seed the clinic had to offer. “Our carefully curated collection includes samples from doctors, scientists, and concert pianists—veritable geniuses handpicked from all over the world—with a satisfying blend of high IQ and artistic prowess. Right here, in fact, we have a rare, finely-aged cask given to us by a donor who won three NFL Most Valuable Player Awards.” According to sources, after assessing several varieties for quality, the couple thanked the manager, handed over a platinum credit card, and left with several vials of a coveted, limited-edition sperm from acclaimed author Salman Rushdie.

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