Niagara, ON – The wine-loving community was shocked today to learn that local Sommelier Jacob Tillaney has been absolutely just fuckin’ guessing every time he gives tasting notes for a bottle of wine.

“I thought there was something wrong with me when I didn’t taste the notes of jackfruit or the subtle finish of green jellybeans in a Pinot Grigio I bought last weekend,” explained shopper Marianna Bogona. “Turns out he didn’t taste any of that stuff either, it was all just wild guesses based off what he read on the label to make himself seem important.”

The profession of sommelier has long been one looked at with a skeptical eye as the general public silently wondered what blessed these individuals with some seemingly otherworldly sense of taste. However, the fear of looking like a fool who is unable to even drink wine properly prevented most people from speaking out until recently.



“You know, it had gone too far and I just had to say something,” explained Teddy Jorrgen who was among the first to speak out against Tillaney’s tasting notes. “I always had my doubts, but then I overheard him describe a Chardonnay as having the mouthfeel of a bottle of lightly chilled Pepsi Blue – a product that has been defunct since 2004. That crossed a line for me.”

Despite the scandal, Tillaney states that his professional brand is as strong as ever and still receives plenty of requests to recommend wines or host tasting events, despite that his resumé consists of little more than a list of frathouses he’s gotten drunk at.

“Sure, sometimes I can’t think of a good comparison for the wine so I just take a wild fuckin’ swing and pick a random flavour,” admitted Tillaney during a phone interview. “But at the end of the day, drinking isn’t about what you taste but rather the way you feel. Opening a bottle is a lot like going to church, people just want someone to confidently tell them what to believe as they sit with their loved ones and wait for the okay to take a drink.”