Day One Hundred and Ninety: All Falls Down

A/N: Heeeeey, so I may have miscounted my days. If you could just forget how to do math for a minute and just...accept the timeline as is, that would be great. Thaaaank youuuu.

One day, I'm finally gonna stop using my friends to fix my shit excuse for a love life. Today is not that day.

"Yes! I freaking knew it! Nani owes me $20."

"Lilo!"

"What?! You're saying you didn't bet on Anna falling for Elsa again?"

"Of course not! I...okay, so Eugene and I didn't bet money, per se."

"Guys! Really?!" I say exasperated. "Can we focus here?"

My two wonderful, loyal, caring friends turned back to me. I think I'm less upset that they were betting on me and more upset that they didn't let me place my own. Lilo made a zipper motion across her lips and Rapunzel gave me a sheepish grin, "Sorry Anna, I know this isn't an ideal situation for you or Elsa."

"No, it really isn't." I braced my head in my hands, rubbing my temples with my fingers. We're back at the steakhouse where that cute waitress gave me her number (I never remembered to call her). I can't even focus on any of the waitresses today, or the delicious steak in front of me. "Part of me kinda wants to go back to the days when she could barely talk to each other."

"Really?" Rapunzel asked.

I look at her, helpless, "No! Of course not! But at least that was simple. I could handle not talking to her, I'd been doing a good job of that already."

"The petty jokes you used to make about her say otherwise," Lilo added, looking away while sipping her drink.

"Whose side are you on?" I ask her.

"Both of yours. I've always thought Elsa was the best girl you've ever dated."

"You're not supposed to..." I groan. "I can't fucking believe this happened, this is the worst thing that could have happened!"

"...is it?" Lilo asks.

I shoot her a confused look, "What are you talking about?"

She takes possibly the longest sip ever before answering, "Well I mean- burp- why is it such a bad thing to live with someone you're in love with?"

"Because there's- ugh, there's a lot, Lilo. There are a lot of things that are bad about this."

Another sip, and an innocent eyebrow raise, "Like…?"

"Seriously? I…" I sigh, "How about us getting evicted and losing the money if our supervisor finds out? Or how about the fact that Elsa might not even like me back? Or, shit, how about the fact that I said 'fuck you' to her face and slept with her ex-girlfriend?"

"Didn't she forgive you for all of that?"

"Yeah, she did."

"Then I don't see what the problem is," Lilo said neutrally.

"The problem is...is that...Rapunzel, help me out here, please. Rapunzel?"

The spaced-out blonde, fixated on the basket of dinner rolls at our table, blinks and shakes her head, "What? Oh sorry, Eugene challenged me to do this keto diet and I...really miss bread."

"Ick," Lilo responds. "I hate diets."

"Anyway, uh, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, Anna, but Lilo's got a point."

"You're fired," I say with a frown.

Rapunzel puts her hands up in mock surrender, "Listen, I know how much you need the money, and it'd suck if you lost it in any way, but I really don't think this is as bad as you're making it out to be."

"And what makes you say that?"

I see her give a quick glance to the bread before looking back at me, head propped on her hand. "Well, you either get back with her and stay in the hotel long enough to win the money. Or you get back with her but lose the money along the way. Or she doesn't feel the same way, but you stick it out long enough to win the money. Or...yeah, you lose both. But that's one crappy outcome compared to three where you at least get one thing that you wanted out of this."

I scoff, "Elsa is not…" I stop myself when I see that both my friends are giving me the straight-faced, "don't lie to me" look. I slump in my chair, staring down at my uneaten steak, "Fine, you guys have a point."

Lilo lets out another burp and says, "Elsa's forgiven you and clearly she still cares about you. So, again, what's the problem?"

This was not how this lunch was supposed to go, but then I don't know what I was expecting from it. Did I seriously think they were gonna be like, "Oh yeah, you should totally just pretend you hate her forever and shut her out until the last day where you finally confess your feelings!"

I mean if they did say that, then I'd have to reconsider the company that I keep.

They're both right, and I know they are. Maybe I knew that from the beginning, before I begged them to get lunch with me. The worst-case scenario is that Elsa lets me down gently and we live out the rest of the year "platonically". But I don't want that.

And fuck, now I know what the "problem" is.

I frown, "I don't know if I could handle it if she didn't feel the same way."

Lilo nods, Rapunzel gives me a sympathetic frown and says, "Do you think you'd leave the hotel if she didn't?"

"I don't wanna figure that out, at least not right now. I wanna do my best to hide these...fucking feelings before they get all crazy. Until I know for sure that I could handle whatever her answer would be."

"Well, maybe just try and give yourself a little more space," Rapunzel suggested. "Cut down on the movie nights, maybe pick up some more shifts at the diner, that kinda thing. The less time you spend with her alone, the more you can try and keep your feelings at bay. What do you think, Lilo?"

"I still think it's crazy that you don't just tell her how you feel," she says while swirling her drink around with her straw, "But if this is what it's gonna take to keep you sane, then I guess it's what you gotta do."

Finally, some much-needed perspective. It doesn't solve this whole issue, but it at least gives me a breath of fresh air for the time being. "Thanks guys," I say, finally ready to carve into my steak. "I think I can do this now."

"I can't do this right now."

Elsa gets off my bed, but doesn't take any steps toward me. "I-I'm sorry? Anna, all I asked is if you wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me."

Gah, don't say it again. It was hard enough finding her sitting on my bed- after I'd been sick!- and now she's asking me to spend a whole weekend with her alone?! Okay, so technically her family's gonna be there too, but still…

I know her parents only have one guest room.

"Yeah I know, and it's a hard question for me to answer, so I can't answer it right now."

"But...why?"

"Why?! Are you-" No, stop it. This isn't Elsa's fault, you can't get mad at her. "I'm sorry, it's complicated. I just don't wanna get into it."

"Is this about me?"

My hand, behind my back, tightens on my doorknob. "Uh what?"

"Did I do something to offend you, Anna? Did I say something?"

Holy shit, it took like two minutes for Elsa to start blaming herself over my bullshit. That's gotta be a record. I need to get her out of my room, give myself some space. And most importantly, I need her out of here so I don't hurt her feelings anymore. "You didn't say anything wrong, Elsa. But you probably shouldn't be in here anyway, I just got done with being sick."

She's not budging, of course she isn't. She's doing that really cute braid tugging thing where she tugs at the end of her braid, looking at me concerned, "Anna, you know you can tell me anything, right? If you don't want to come with me to Thanksgiving, that's fine. I...I just want to know why."

Why. She wants to know why.

Goddamn it Anna, just make something up. Say that you got invited to spend it with Lilo or something, or that you're taking an impromptu trip to the fucking Destiny Islands or something to get away from the cold. Just say something that won't hurt her any more than you already are.

"I can't be around you right now."

You are the dumbest person on the planet.

Elsa disguises the pain she feels with a sharp exhale, and mutters to the floor, "So I did do something…"

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose, "Goddamn it, Anna."

'Could you tell me what I did, at least? Just so I know."

"Elsa, you- ugh, you didn't do anything. I just can't be around you right now, that's all." This needs to stop, I need to keep this conversation from going any deeper. The farther we dive, the easier it'll become to drown in this mess that I made. Me and my fucking feelings, my stupid heart, my choice to date the...best woman I've ever met.

"We were just fine before. What changed? Why can't you be around me anymore?"

"Please, Elsa...can you please just go?"

Great, now I'm begging. And if I didn't feel like shit before, the hurt and betrayal in Elsa's eyes definitely add a few more daggers into my gut. She nods meekly and walks past me and out my door. She smells like citrus.

I move out of her way and further into my room, giving her space too, and I start to think about backup plans. Anything I can do to not only apologize to Elsa again, but to refix our relationship-

"No."

...what?

I turn around, Elsa's out of my room but is still in front of my door. Her feet are planted firmly, but her upper body is unsure and scared, I think. It's like she wanted to let this go, but something possessed her to turn around first. And oh...oh no, she's got tears in her eyes. Tears that aren't even trying to hide, that drip down her cheeks and fill her eyes with pain. The worst kind of tears.

"Anna, please...just tell me what's wrong," she says with a shaky breath. "I can help, I can be here for you, please don't push me away!"

Fuck, now I gotta dive deeper.

"I don't want to push you away, Elsa, and I'm not trying to. I just need to right now because...because being around you is hard. Really fucking hard, and I need you to understand that."

"But I don't understand. Why is it so hard to be around me?"

Oh come on, please don't make me do this. Please don't make me dive deeper, Elsa.

"It's not hard to be around you, in fact, that's all I want to do. And that's the problem."

"That's a problem? Why is that a problem?"

"Because…" No, Anna, we had a plan. Don't fuck up the plan. Don't do this.

Don't do this.

Don't fucking do this.

"Because why?"

"Because I'm in love with you, goddamn it!"

Elsa's breath hitches, "What?"

And the world around us, the room, and any semblance of secrecy and feigned innocence crumbles. It all falls down with me into the murky waters of this grave fuck-up. And I'm in so deep that trying to swim up and through the debris would hurt us both.

So I turn my brain off, and dive deeper.

"Yeah, I said it. I fucking love you, okay? I didn't think it was possible when we moved into this stupid hotel, but then you- ugh, you were you! You showed me that you're still the person I fell in love with in the first place and so much more! And when I found out the breakup wasn't your fault, it was all that my damn heart needed to get those fucking feelings back again! But I don't want them! Not while we're still here, not while we're still doing this fucking contest, not when I know that I don't deserve your love or your affection or anything from you. Not after what I've done to you! And yet here I am, telling you what I shouldn't be telling you because I can't fucking hold it in anymore. I...love you, Elsa, so much that it hurts. So much that it scares the shit out of me. I'm in love with you, I...I'm in love with you."

And of course, Elsa doesn't say anything right away. Of course the silence between us is heart-wrenching. Of course it gives my mind time to finally resurface and let the tears fall, just like Elsa. Of course all I wanna do is reach out and wipe those tears on her cheeks with my thumb. Of course that makes me feel even more gross. I can't make out the reason for the shock on Elsa's face, I don't know what'll happen next between us.

And right now, I don't want to know.

Not when I see Elsa still crying, not when I see her lips gradually descend into a frown. I've fucked this up, I know I have.

I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and sniffle, "I don't expect an answer, actually I just wanna be left alone. I'm sorry for...everything." My voice breaks before the last word.

When I go to close my door, Elsa doesn't move but she doesn't stop me either. Just like two years ago, she lets me close it. But it feels different this time, not as hopeless but not very hopeful either. And when my door fully closes, I walk over and crumple onto my bed, and I let the sobs and sniffles out. And just like two years ago, all I'm thinking is...

Maybe I should have waited for an answer this time too.