Ardbeg have announced they are to release another thing inside new packaging. The thing will have different words on the outside of the label and box and will offer consumers the chance to read exciting new blurbs containing new arrangements of words.

Chip Ukulele, Moet Hennessy’s head of Ardbeg re-packaging explained:

“It’s all very exciting. Consumers can look forward to reading the latest Ardbeg blurbs and enjoying some of their old favourite traditional Ardbeg words such as ‘untamed’, ‘provenance’, ‘rugged’ and ‘windswept’ along with new additions to the great lexicon of mediocrity such as ‘Gathering Room’, ‘silkiness’, ‘grilled artichokes and ‘Ardbeggian magic’. And who knows, maybe the blurb on the back of the bottle will be slightly different to the one of the box… I’ve had too much cocaine to decide yet.”

Professor Jill Bumsden, Ardbeg’s head of dressing up four year old whisky as something fancy said:

“Gathering room…French oak…sweet perdro ximemez…spicy oak virgins…raw bourbon wood…vanilla yum yum…gathering vat…vatted peat gatherings…whisky creation…huge syrup…flaming artichokes…hallmark intensity…untamed single gathering vat…peat tinder…direct fired carboard…oily banana…space docking…elegant intensity…juicy wood mouth…seductive lingering…Atlantic storms…Pink Floyd…first new whisky since the last one…wood marriage…slow mellow…stories…penis penis penis…Vesuvial marketing erection…culminating in Ardbeg…RRP £49.99…”

Outspoken member of the Malt Maniacs forum, Herbert Dab, said:

“I refuse to buy any NAS Ardbeg! So I will be having my case sent directly to scotchwhiskyonlineauctioneer.com as a mark of protest!”

The news has come as a relief to everyone who previously assumed Professor Jill Bumsden’s ‘Gathering Room’ was basically an indoor Islay dogging hotspot.