Apparently Leo Messi scored eight goals in three matches last week, setting us up for the mother of all in-form visitors to the Emirates on Wednesday. Is it childish to point out that this is not that remarkable a feat? I once scored eight goals in three matches, albeit for Ardmore Rovers under-14s in the North Wicklow football league, back in 1986. Six of those came in one match, against local rivals Fassaroe Celtic, an 8-2 drubbing that was the only match we actually won that season and led to us being given chocolate and fizzy drinks the following week as a reward. Sadly, this was immediately after we had resumed our regular beatings, going down 2-1 to Enniskerry, leading to envious looks from the other team, whose only reward for actually winning the game was to be bundled back into the three cars you needed to drive 15 under-age footballers around in those days, while we gorged and celebrated.

This anecdote is mainly relevant because Messi still looks like he should be playing under-14, but as one of those 11-year-old little brothers who was dragged on to make up the numbers because the regular kid had nits. Or a verruca.

So, before the festival of tippy‑tappy that all Arsenal fans have been secretly dreaming of for years, and more pertinently, in a week when the most requested article in the Guardian sports section online was one with the headline "Man … Superman … Leo Messi", here, then, is a list of the only things that Arsenal, or their fans, are more scared of than Lionel Andrés Messi.

1 The Undead

Whether running or shuffling, and whether properly undead, or just infected with a viral bloodlust, the undead have a tenacity and bouncebackability that causes no end of trouble to a fast-passing, technical team like Arsenal. The ability to draw fouls is less helpful when the foul is a bite on the neck; and don't expect much protection from the referee. The slowest on the pitch, he'll be the first to go.

Surprisingly, the undead's tendency to cluster does leave them prone to the long ball game – whether Arsène Wenger is willing to compromise his principles to exploit this is another question. He could always leave Bendtner up there on his own. After all, the only way to fool the undead is to move like them.

2 That woman with the dagger in her shoe in From Russia with Love

Rosa Klebb was her name, and within an 18-inch radius she was lethal. Of course, move even slightly away from her and her powers receded dramatically. In a Top Trumps game of Bond villains she wasn't anywhere near the strongest card, but for the people of the Emirates her appearance would bring back terrible memories of her grandson Alexander. Same turning circle, same small sphere of influence, same tendency to bottle the big chances. Brrrrrr.

3 Chelsea or Manchester United or any team that manages to be both big and powerful, and technically very quick

It's a bit of a lazy cliche to talk of this Arsenal team being weaker against the more physical sides; after all it's four seasons since they were beaten by Blackburn, Bolton or Everton in the league. Equally, teams don't get the results by just parking 10 men across the back. No, teams beat Arsenal by hitting them quickly and directly and exploiting the space behind the attacking full‑backs. Barcelona are certainly fast; but they don't have the same battering power that Rooney and Drogba have. Arsenal could stick three men on Messi and just let Ibrahimovic wander around unaccompanied. He can't buy a goal these days. Henry will be waving to friends in the crowd and reminiscing. Stick all four defenders on Messi then.

4 Win or lose, Cesc swapping jerseys with any member of the Barça team

Because we'll be seeing that photo for the rest of his Arsenal career, no matter how long it lasts. It'll be run over articles about how an innocuous remark about how much he enjoys his mother's paella actually means "Cesc: I can't wait to go back to Barça". Why not just start the summer transfer madness right now?

5 Finding out that Cesc is actually just on a long-term loan deal

How often do you think Wenger wakes up in a cold sweat and rings the lawyers to please check this, just one more time?