THE HEAVENS—Crying out in terror as he suddenly began fading from view, the agnoized soul of James Dean was reportedly disappearing from Heaven Thursday as filmmakers finished constructing a CGI version of the actor. “Oh no, the pain is excruciating—what is happening to me?” said the iconic 1950s film star, who reportedly began wailing and disintegrating into dust as angels and seraphim tried vainly to hold onto him at the exact moment that a Hollywood special effects director pressed “enter” on his rendering software. “Why, oh why? What did I do to deserve this? Save me! Someone! Anyone! Oh, Jesus, it hurts, it hurts so badly.” At press time, the remaining aspects of James Dean’s spirit that could not be captured by CGI had been doomed to spend all eternity in an endless swirling purgatorial void.

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