Donald Trump lurching along the tarmac , from his jet to his limo to his podium, is not a closing argument for voters, so his campaign needs closers to do the job for him. | Getty Simon says 4 reasons Trump is trapped in Fantasyland

What is that freaky sound? What is that loud “p-s-s-s-t” noise that we hear wherever we go?

Not to worry. It is just the air rushing out of Donald Trump’s balloon.


A balloon filled with hot air usually rises. But when you have a giant baby sitting on top of that balloon, kicking his legs while he blubbers about how life is rigged against him, that bag and that candidate are heading nowhere.

Which is where Trump is heading.

Here are four things he should think about on the way, just because I’ve always wanted to make a list of four things:

1. Always be closing. Donald Trump lurching along the tarmac, from his jet to his limo to his podium, is not a closing argument for voters. It is just a bunch of unrelated thoughts coming from a fevered mind.

So his campaign needs closers to do the job for him. Closers like Rudy Giuliani, a man so venomous that rattlesnakes have been known to grow ill after biting him.

“I’d rather have a genius like Donald Trump running this country than someone like Hillary Clinton,” Giuliani said on “Meet the Press” a few weeks ago.

In fairness, to Giuliani a head of cabbage is a genius. But most people have higher standards. And most people lift the bar for the presidency a little higher.

Unfortunately for Trump, his opponent, Clinton, has an embarrassment of riches when it comes to closers. She has Michelle Obama, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton just to name the Big Three. After that she has Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden.

I’m not sure any of them calls Clinton a genius. They just say she knows important stuff — like the date of Election Day.

In 37 states and the District of Columbia, you can vote right now without giving a reason. On Election Day, Nov. 8, you can cast a regular ballot. Or you can wait until Incredible Election Day, which is Nov. 28.

“We’re doing something that’s incredible, it’s a movement,” Trump told a crowd in Panama City, Florida, on Oct. 11. “There’s never been anything like this, so go and register, make sure you get out and vote Nov. 28.”

You can try that. It’s 20 days too late to actually vote, but you can bang on the doors at your polling place and tell them you want the Trump Incredible Special, which is a ballot between two pieces of white bread.

The good news is that on Incredible Election Day, you won’t find long lines.

The bad news is that your vote will not be counted.

Which actually is good news.

2. It’s OK to play an audience like a violin. On Sunday, President Obama rolled up the sleeves of his open-neck blue shirt and delivered a closing speech for Hillary Clinton at a North Las Vegas high school.

“You’ve got an ace and you’ve got a jack,” Obama boomed to the clamorous crowd. “But you’ve got to make sure to turn over the card by voting! This game didn’t start on Nov. 8! The game ends on Nov. 8!”

Say what you want about Obama. He has not been a perfect president. He has not gotten all our troops out of Afghanistan or Iraq. Guantánamo is still open. And reversing the effects of climate change is still a few years off.

But the guy knows the correct date of the election. And he knows how to turn a rip-roaring speech into a speech that chokes everybody up.

“I was here in Nevada in the closing days of both my campaigns — both times you guys came through. I turned over that card and it was an ace,” Obama said as the crowd shouted its approval.

“And Michelle and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all the support and all the prayers these past eight years.”

The crowd grew quieter now.

“It has been such a privilege to serve you,” Obama said. “But we’ve got to make the right choice. Progress is on the ballot. Civility is on the ballot. Tolerance is on the ballot. Justice is on the ballot. Equality is on the ballot. Democracy is on the ballot.

“My name is not on the ballot ... ”

Boos filled the air, but Obama quieted the crowd. “That’s all right; that’s all right,” he said. Hillary’s name is on the ballot, he said, and she will work hard for them if they will work hard for her by making a few more phone calls and knocking on a few more doors.

“We will elect Hillary Clinton to be the next president of the United States,” Obama said. “We’ll show our kids that we are still the greatest nation on Earth. And we’re just going to keep on getting better because of you.”

And with lumps in their throats, the audience applauded on and on.

3. You can end with a bang.

Elizabeth Warren ripped Donald Trump up and down on Monday,

“Donald Trump thinks because he has a mouth full of Tic Tacs he can force himself on any woman in groping distance,” Warren said.

“Well, I’ve got news for you, Mr. Trump: Women have had it with guys like you!”

4. Or you can end with a whimper.

On Monday, Trump held a roundtable discussion in Boynton Beach, Florida. “I actually think we’re winning,” he told the group.

It’s possible. They have Walt Disney World in Florida. And Trump may have wandered into Fantasyland and can’t find his way out.

Roger Simon is POLITICO's chief political columnist.