First, Some Background

One of the benefits of living in a state like Delaware with fewer than a million residents (~967k as of 2018) is that finding a vanity license plate is quite easy. I was preparing to finally get my car registered in Delaware the other day and decided that for once in my life I’d get a clever vanity license plate. I’ve worked hard, I pay my taxes, I deserve something nice in my life.

I’m a software developer in the geo space so obvious plates like MAPS and LINUX were my first queries, only to leave my efforts thwarted. Broseph Tom already found the thwarter of efforts for MAPS (as in he literally saw the car driving down the street and snapped a pic to show me). My fellow disrupters of vanity plate markets and I bandied about some terms and phrases and found some good ones that were inexplicably not already taken.

To summarize where we’re at for my math-oriented brethren:

fewer than a million people + relatively few vanity plates = availability

Suddenly in the myriad of awesome-sauce, I found a winner!

FYI: John Carney is the governor of great state of Delaware

FYI 2: Delaware was the biggest state in the union (for sweet 5 days in December 1787 until Pennsylvania realized how cool Delaware was and hopped onto the bandwagon). Now we’re all learning stuff!

Needless to say, I was ecstatic! The brilliance of JCARNEY was unparalleled! Allow me to enumerate the benefits of gracing the derriere of my car with a vanity plate handed down by the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodley appendage:

Lots of people trying to find the governor after seeing my car in the parking lot

I could park in three handicapped spots at once and drive like a damn lunatic! Seriously, who’s going to give the governor of the state a ticket?!?!

Free drinks! (presumably)

He’s a democrat in the fairly left-of-center New Castle County

Non-stop high-5s at every intersection

There’s nary a downside! Finally I had a vanity plate worthy of chest-puffery and the start of a proud tradition that could be handed down to my son and his children. DuPonts watch out, there’s a new original family to contend with! Sure, Governor Carney would have to win re-election in 2020 for this 6"x14" piece of blue and yellow metal awesomeness to last for longer than a year and a half, but getting democrats to the polls these days in the already-leaning-left Delaware is like shooting fish in a barrel. To sweeten the pot, I was even prepared to slap a custom sticker on my car’s back bumper:

“Carney 2020: My License Plate Depends On It!”

To be perfectly honest, Governor Carney seems like a pretty nice guy. He read some stories to my son’s preschool a year or so ago for National Reading Week and I ended up talking to him for ~10 minutes, thanking him for his dedication to open data efforts.

Bright and early on Thursday morning with checkbook, title, and insurance info in hand, I drove down to the DMV to beat the lines sure to frustrate me at a later time. Everything went smoothly! The car passed inspection; they never even found the stash of counterfeit Gloria Vanderbilt jeans I keep in the trunk in case I ever find myself strapped for cash. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down in the DMV, my number was called immediately so I confidently strolled up, paperwork in hand, and got the whole shebang taken care of in a matter of 10 minutes. At the end, I told the clerk that I’d like to apply for a vanity plate. He asked me to write what I wanted on my vanity plate on a post-it note, so I did. He didn’t seem to realize what I was asking so I paid the $75 for two year’s registration and I was on my way! The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky!

When I finally got to work at ~9:30am, I swaggered to my social, family, and work circles of the brilliance of my plan still reveling in my craftiness and basking in the glow of their accolades! I was on cloud 9! My wife was none-too-happy with me since she has to drive my car occasionally and wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of possible explanatory conversations she would inevitably find herself mired in.

Then…

I was at work at the Mill when my cell phone rang at 3:58pm. I tend to screen all my calls from unknown numbers since they’re mostly spam calls about renewing my car’s warranty (I’ve been receiving “courtesy calls before we close your account” voice mails for 2 years). However, this was a 302 number and I’m in the final stages of refinancing our mortgage, so I answered. Perhaps I should not have answered and been thrust headlong into an all-too-real Schrodinger’s Delaware Vanity Plate situation. Unfortunately it was the Delaware DMV. I knew I was sunk before the nice lady even explained. My vanity plate was rejected! Oh, the humanity!

My emotional state at the time

The nice DMV lady proceeded to tell me that they would unable to fulfill my request. But why, sweet Baʿal!?!?! Why hast though forsaken my desire for a sweet vanity plate!?!?! I asked for an official reason and was told that the Governor Carney’s security had nixed the idea. AGAIN, WHY!?!?! I figured his security team would love it! I’m 19 years younger than the governor and would provide an excellent decoy! It would be like that timeless switcheroo classic Dave! I haven’t met your wife and love mine dearly, but surely we could work something out if the situation arose. My wife tells me I look good in suits and have an excellent speaking style!

As nice as Ms. DMV was, I quickly realized that my vociferous and animated protestations would be of no use. The life-long dream I’d held near and dear to my heart for the previous 25 hours had been dashed. Dejected, I thanked her for her time and bid her goodbye. Now I had to break the bad news to my various circles. Some laughed at the absurdity of it all. Some let loose expletive-laden tirades on the nanny state. Others wailed inconsolably (presumably). My wife said, “Thank GAWD.” Moments later, it was officially an “offensive” term:

So it’s back to the drawing board. I won’t post any that are on my far-less-clever ideas in the off-chance that the veritable cornucopia of available vanity plates in Delaware tempts to you, dear reader, to pull up stakes, sell your house, move to Delaware, and register your car(s) within the next few days. I would like to point out, however, that while this is banned:

Totally understandable ban.

This is not:

My mom has played this word in Words With Friends not knowing what it means.

Though it probably will be banned as soon as I tweet this article to DelDOT.

A Final Plea