ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Nightwatchman of Australia has watched his team burn all the documents, photos and video evidence that suggests the Liberal Party even exists in Victoria after two candidates were stood down yesterday for saying highly offensive things about the Islamic and QUILTBAG (Queer/Questioning, Undecided, Intersex, Lesbian, Trans (Transgender/Transsexual), Bisexual, Asexual, Gay/Genderqueer) communities.

A billowing cloud of black smoke could be seen rising from the northern courtyards of Parliament House around 9 this morning as Scott Morrison fronted a growing media scrum outside the House entrance.

“The Liberals have never campaigned in Victoria before, they’ve never even existed down there,” he said.

“Any candidate that’s not from a minor party or Labor is the person you should be voting for this election. Just look for the WASPy name, smiling face with a quite determined look. That’s who you should be voting for. Not a Liberal, nor a Labor – but the other candidate without any branding who’s from a major party,”

“As for the smoke, that’s actually coming from the Nationals wing, if you look closely. Barnaby is burning leaves and rubbish again, which is something people from the country do for fun, I take it. I don’t understand it but who am I to judge?”

Scott, the Prime Minister, refused to answer any more questions on the matter – and left.

More to come.