IT’S CHRISTMAS. Well, it might be if you read this on the same day that I post it. Although it might not be Christmas at all depending on your religion, so enjoy whatever you’re celebrating regardless!

So I made this blog in the hope it’d give me some motivation to start writing more. It did. I collected some data and research for a good 20 or so different pieces, but then my hard drive died and I lost it all (as well as my entire archive of video footage). So that’s why it’s taken so long. But anywayyyyyy, onto the Christmas/Holiday related theme team.

I’m sure you’ve probably seen this kind of thing before. BBC, ESPN, BT Sport, Sky Sports etc, they’ve all made articles of a similiar ilk to this one you’re about to read. They’ll sloppily link a footballer with a somewhat Christmassy sounding name and relate them to Christmas. But they’re bad. Very bad. Roque Santa Cruz, Santi Cazorla, Dani Elves, Jesus Navas, Ho-Ho-Hose Myrrhinho etc, etc, etc.

No, no, no, that just won’t do. So I’ve taken it upon myself to create the World’s greatest Christmas theme dream team. There won’t be any shortcuts here. I’ll explain the method behind my madness when I explain how the player makes the team. Some are straight forward, some take the scenic route to get to the link and there are only a handful of ‘cheat’ ones, and they’re still miles better and more relevant than the ones these international broadcasters could come up with. So, here we go.

The Essentials

For any football team, you need some basic essentials; a name, a stadium, some kits, a club badge and a location. What better a name for a Christmas themed team than BETHLEHEM STEEL. Yes, that’s right. There’s a football team named after the birth place of the baby Jesus…in Philadelphia…in the United States. They play in the 3rd tier of US football in the United Soccer League and are the feeder team to the Philadelphia Union. I haven’t gone into depth with the research as to why somewhere in the USA is called Bethlehem, but it’s good enough for me and this blog. An honorable mention to the superbly named Santa Claus FC from Rovaniemi in Finland. I would have picked them as the name of the club, but I’ve managed to find Santa related footballers elsewhere and quite predictably, there aren’t any footballers called Bethlehem. They can be the badge as a consolation. Santa Claus emblazed accross the jersey, that’ll strike fear into the opposition. An honorable mention to Sweden’s Elfsborg and Jerusalem’s Beitar and Hapoel.

Want to know what else will strike fear into the opposition? THE STADIUM. Why? Because it’s the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Stadium in Graz. Or at least, that’s what the stadium used to be called. Built in 1995, serving as home to Grazer AK, Sturm Graz and a solitary World Cup Qualifier for the national team, the stadium was eponymously named after Austria’s favourite export until late 2005, when, in a somewhat negative twist of festive fate, the then Governor of Florida caused uproar in Graz as he failed to stop the excecution of Stanley Tookie Williams. The aforementioned uproar lead to Arnie revoking the city’s right to use his name for the stadium and on December 26th 2005, the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Stadium was no more. Well, it was still there, just not named after the Terminator anymore. The stadium has now gone the way of most modern day stadiums and is named after Austrian insurance company Merkur Versicherung – the Merkur-Arena. But how is it related to Christmas? Aside from the naming fiasco happening one day after Christmas Day, Arnie is the lead in one of the best Christmas films around; Jingle All The Way. You know, the one where he runs around Minnesota yelling “I’M TRYING TO FIND DA TURBO-MAN” for 90 minutes.

Location, team name and stadia sorted, only thing left before picking the players, the kit, jersey, trikot, camiseta, whatever you want to call it, the players need something to wear. For that, we head to Bergamo and Serie A’s Atalanta. La Dea are no strangers to festive attire, releasing a special shirt for the past two years, wearing them in the final game before Serie A takes a winter break. Away kit next.

If it does snow, then the best choice for an away shirt is obviously white. Because…camouflage. Maybe not, but Sion’s 2012 effort celebrating Christmas is too festive to ignore. It’s even in traditional white and red. Christmas tree with a star atop too!

Strong Foundations

I think it’s time for some players now. And what better way to start than by choosing the formation. There’s only one winner here. 3-5-2. It’s the go-to formation at the moment, thanks to some mad little Italian bloke arriving in London and making Victor Moses look dangerous. Or as I’d like to call it, the Christmas tree formation. Yes, yes, yes, I know technically the 4-3-2-1 is the Christmas tree formation, but 3-5-2 is a Christmas tree formation with a planter at the bottom. STRONG ROOTS.

Between the sticks

Starting between the sticks and kicking off Christmas evening is the Queen. Basically, if you don’t live in the UK, at 3pm on Christmas Day, someone unboxes the Queen from her yearly hibernation and she will address the nation for 10-15 minutes. Then someone puts her back in her box until next year, or until William and Kate have another kid. It’s kind of like how Michael Buble just comes flying in from outta knowhere on December 1st and you hear his songs 300 times a day for 4 entire weeks. So Queen, Pepe Reina, because Reina is Spanish for Queen. Nice and easy that one. Reliable old pair of hands our Reina.

Need a good shot-stopper, because drinking gives you hangovers and hangovers are bad.

Wise old heads at the back

The hallmarks of a solid defensive line is experience and our back 3 have quite literally years of experience. They should do though, they are the 3 wise men after all, or the 3 kings, or even, los tres reyes‘. So the back 3 is quite literally made up of 9, but really it’s 3 from the stories of yesteryear, or technically 1, as they’re all the same, who cares. But that’s not cheating, it’s just making the most of the situation.

So at right centre-back are the 3 wise men. Notably, Gibraltarian international Scott Wiseman, and South African duo Wiseman Meyiwa and Wiseman Maluleke.

At centre-back are the 3 Kings, lead by none other than Ledley King. Andy King and Marlon ‘more-convictions-than-shot-conversions’ King, flank Ledley in this all British trio.

And last, but not least in the defensive line are the Kings Anglo-Spanish counterparts, los tres Reyes. That’s Spanish for ‘the three Kings’, if you’ve had too much mulled wine already. Making up the trio are former Arsenal and Real Madrid forward Jose Antonio Reyes, Universidad de Chile’s Lorenzo Reyes and Jose Reyes…again…the right-back for Real Oviedo, not Jose Antonio, just Jose Manuel Fernandez. Not confusing at all that. I imagine this is how Fulham and Maccabi Tel-Aviv felt when they had two Moussa Dembeles and Tal Ben-Haims.

Centre of attention

With the defence catered for, it’s time to add some midfield steel to the team. Starting right in the middle. In the middle of where it all began too. The birth of the baby Jesus.

Right so I suppose I need to explain this monstrosity. In the centre, naturally is the Bebe Jesus, he’s the guy Alex Ferguson bought despite never watching him. On the left, his adoring Mother, Maka Mary, a bullish centre-back playing for Paris. Not Saint-Germain, just 3rd tier Paris FC. On the right, the proud Father, Jo-(seph), the most shocking thing about him is that he’s only just turned 29, I thought he’d been around for 15 years alread. THE ANGELS. Yes, the terrifying angel on the right in Angel Di Maria, and the left is THE Angel Gabriel, Gabriele Angella. Accompanying them inside the stable are a Cow, in the form of Alan Bull, there’s nobody called Cow, so I stuck with Bull, though there are plenty of Bolivians called Toro, so that counts. Then there’s Carl Lamb, and last but not least, the little Donkey, the fantastically named Juan Manuel Martinez AKA Burrito AKA Little Donkey in Spanish. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

Remember the aforementioned wise men/kings, that followed the Star of Bethlehem? He’s here too. Say hello to Mexican Ivan Estrella, who based on my shoddy photo editing skills, looks like he’s picking a fight with the Sun.

Only a few more pieces left of the Nativity puzzle now. On the floor of the stable, is none other than Gareth Bale of Hay. Alright, I’ll admit this one is reaaaaaaaaally bad.

Sticking with the nativity theme, it’s time to introduce the most important part about modern day Christmas…the gifts, I kid, it’s not, but it’s a retailers dream in the 21st century. So, the Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Yes, somehow I’ve managed to find a way of fitting them in.

But seeing as Gold, Frankincense and Myrhh are slightly outdated in this century, I’m not even entirely sure what the latter two are, here are some more traditional gifts. South Africa’s Gift Motupa and Slovakia’s Martin Regali. Regali is Italian for present. Gift is gift.

Holding guard in the midfield, completing our central trio is Brazilian International Edinho Nazareth Filho. Nazareth being the town Maka Mary and Jo travelled from, to Bethelehem. I’ve cheated here a bit, but only because Edinho was a centre-back in his playing days. If Eric Dier can move from CB to CDM, then so can a man who appeared at 3 World Cups, heres to you Edinho.

Edinho’s got the starting berth (berth, birth bit of wordplay) nailed down, but he’s got some competition when it comes to location and nature. How could one forget Israel? The apparent birth country of Jesus.

And of what conditions the weather may throw up. Blizzard? Frost? Snow? The entire season of Winter?

“Winter is coming” said Adrian Stark. I mean Adrian Winter.

Wingers or Wing-Backs?

It’s debatable as to whether or not the wide men in this formation will act as Wingers or new-age Wing-Backs, in reality it doesn’t matter and that ties in nicely with the north circular route I took to make the man on the right fit.

David Beckham. Yes, David Beckham. There is nothing Christmassy about his name whatsoever. He’s never even done something at this time of the year, but that surname has. Yes, I’ve gone there, to the dark side of the 1990s music scene. Prior to Simon Cowell saturating the Christmas music market with a one-hit wonders that you won’t hear from for half a decade, before they end up in a panto or a cruise ship, or Big Brother, the Christmas Number One was a big deal in the UK. Supergroup The Spice Girls, managed 3 consecutive Christmas Number ones from 1996 to 1998. The only other musicians to accomplish this feat were the legendary Beatles (they claimed 4 in total). So Beckham’s in there through marriage and an association into modern music history. 2 Become 1 still isn’t as good as Mr Blobby though.

Sticking with music, a Christmas team isn’t complete without a few Christmas Carrolls or a Song. So welcome to Andy, Tom and Roy. Andy is shown celebrating getting that BMX he’s always wanted, he’s going to knee slide on the laminate flooring of the hallway in a minute like a child at a Wedding reception, whilst Tom (who looks so young he may well be the aforementioned knee-sliden child) was a goalscorer on Boxing Day last year.

Uncle Roy Carroll however is in everyone’s good books and received cards aplenty. Alex Song however, has been suckered into the dreaded X Factor vortex, so much so that he’s even promoting the programme on the pitch.

Left-Wing-Back? Left-Wing-Back. Yes. Now, if you thought the previous entry was long-winded, wait ’til you get a load of this. Shane Cansdell-Sherriff. An Australian who plied his trade here in the UK, with Leeds, Rochdale, Tranmere, Shrewsbury, Preston and Burton Albion and currently plays for the incredibly named Manly United in his native country. So, how does he relate to Christmas, HIS NAME IS SHERRIFF. And the greatest Christmas/Not-Actually-A-Christmas-Film-Christmas-Film is Toy Story, who’s joint co-protagonist is Sheriff Woody. I don’t care, I’m claiming that, Toy Story is always on at Christmas. That and the fact I had actually forgotten this one up until about 24 hours ago and was jubilant at my memory recalling this.

Now to actual bonified Christmas films, and I simply cannot leave out Home Alone. When someone says Christmas film, this is probably the film franchise that comes to mind and this is where I’ll link it back to football by…GARETH MCAULEY CULKIN.

The penultimate link to Christmas TV is the Simpsons. The very first proper episode of the Simpsons was broadcast on December 17th 1989, Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire. It’s the episode where they pick up Santa’s Little Helper, naturally. The episode is set at Christmas and the episode ends in one big happy family singalong and thus TV’s most famous programme was born, kinda like Jesus, really.

Finally, this is very impromptu, we’ll throw Sulley Ali Muntari in there as well, he can patrol the left-side of the midfield…can you tell that I may have watched Monsters Inc. this morning?

Greedy Upfront

FOOD. ALCOHOL. FOOD. ACOHOL. Yeah, Christmas has a MASSIVE onus on food and drink in the modern day world and as a result, there’s about 10 different names who can be placed at this point of the pitch. Greedyness is almost accepted at this time of the year though, so I’ll let it slide. So let’s start with FOOD.

Ah, yes, food, whether it’s the staple of tradition, the Turkey, Chocolates, Sweets, Clementine Oranges or a Yule Log, I’ve somehow managed to find a footballer who can represent those things. I really do have far too much time on my hands. Or a very active brain. Anyway, let’s get the food over and done with, so we can drink.

Righttttttttt, now to the good stuff. Ye olde liquor of the night. Where else do you start with Christmas drinks than some Jack Sherrie. Unfortunately, despite the fact he is a footballer, who actually exists, there are more photographs of my cat on the internet, than of senor Sherry. I’m sorry about that, but he’s Scottish and plays for Stranraer’s U20s. Now, to less traditional, but equally enjoyable nectars. CAPTAIN WES MORGAN. Not really a new one, the drinks a real drink these days thanks to Leicester City’s heroic Premier League exploits, but if it’s alcoholic, it can be drunk, so it’s in the team.

Next, my favourite, Baileys. Don’t you just love a glass…or bottle of Baileys. More bonus points to me for managing to include Women’s football in this one too.

And last, but certainly most least, this may be the best bit of word association I found for this blog, I’ve got JD and Coke. Coke is a fairly obvious one. No, not Koke from Atletico Madrid, Coke Andujar, he crushed Liverpool’s hopes of European glory in May whilst at Sevilla, before moving to Schalke (more like Schalkehol, amirite?) this past summer. Now here’s the good bit, the Whiskey, there’s nobody called Jack Daniels, that’d be a bit too simple regardless, but Mozambique’s Francisco Massinga, his nickname is Whiskey. I shit you not. Google him. Wiki him. I know absolutely nothing about him but thank the lord he exists, so I can make JD and Coke.

Captain Christmas

You may have noticed by now that I may have missed a few rather obvious ones out. I haven’t, they’re going to be here on the subs bench, a good squad, is better than a good team. Wait, no it isn’t, Man City have been winning trophies for years doing the opposite of that. Anyways. Starting with the Grandaddy of them all, no not WrestleMania, Santa, Father Christmas, Fat Red Man, Saint Nick, whatever you wish to call him. Unfortunately, he’s just too old to start games these days, but his presence is ever present, You might only need him once a year, but he’ll come on and do a job. He’s basically like a fat bearded Francesco Totti. So, in different languages…

But we’re not quite finished juuuuuust yet. Only a few more left, bare with me. The animals of Christmas, there aren’t many really. I suppose you can count the Turkey, but I digress. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Wasn’t missing him out ever. Gergely Rudolf. It’s your time to shine (get it, shine like the red nose so bright, lighting up Santa’s sleigh tonight). There’s a double whammy in there too. Robin-ho-ho-ho. I’m claiming that too. I don’t care at this point.

It does matter if you’re naughty or nice

So as I wrap this blog up, with a few more Christmas relations, if you’ve got this far, congratulations, have another chocolate, you deserve it, first of all thankyou and secondly, just remember for the next 12 months to be nice to each other. If you’re naughty like Nortei Nortey you get lumps of Coles. From Ebenezer Assifuah Scrooge. I’ve literally forced these last few together. But we’re nearly done. One paragraph left.

Fin

We’re here, thankyou again for reading. Apologies if some of this is hard to read coherently, I’ve speed-rounded it and type the entirety of this up on Christmas Day, likewise the images, I made them myself. They’re supposed to be quite bad. Hopefully amusing. Honorable mention to Ronald ‘little Snowflake’ Koeman and Kiki ‘Kris’ Musampa on missing out. I’m all for nicknames, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put them in the team. I’m sure they’re devastated.

Pro-Tip for tomorrow too…

Behave, Bongo Christ is watching you.