CHARLESTON – Continuing a long established tradition of journalistic laziness, today the Supreme Report will not be giving you the latest in satirical news. Instead, we will be gracing our readership with a simple, easy-to-digest, and totally condescending list of funny things that happened two nights ago during the NBC News Democratic Candidates Debate. The list we are about to present happened in chronological order, and the times of which these things were said will be posted prior to the event itself.

9:00 – Candidates take their place behind their podiums. Clinton’s shoe breaks while approaching podium, and she glared angrily at her wardrobe designer. The woman starts crying, calls her family, and rediscovers her faith in God.

9:03 – Clinton gives opening remarks. Turns around, cries a little, shakes fist, whispers, “yes”.

9:04 – Sanders gives opening remarks. While speaking, rips off shirt in fit of rage, puts on tie as bandana, and aggressively runs out of the auditorium shouting “USA, USA, USA”.

9:05 – O’Malley actually (can’t make this one up, dear reader) introduces himself with name, meaning he also didn’t know about himself before this debate either.

9:08 – Clinton dabs.

9:10 – NBC does not allow Sanders to defend himself after accusations of flip-flopping by Clinton, further proving the Jewish-media conspiracy.

9:15 – Martin O’Malley gives most moving and inspiring speech in recorded history, earns casual applause of three.

9:23 – Sanders proposes radical notion of fundamental nationwide reform in policing policy. Arrested immediately thereafter, shouting “don’t tase me bro” the whole time.

9:25 – Clinton’s wardrobe designer continues praying for divine mercy.

9:27 – Commercial break. Satirist goes on Twitter to steal jokes from famous/politically conscious comedians.

9:32 – O’Malley begins a coloring book, disappointed with lack of crayon diversity at hotel podium.

9:36 – Hillary says atrocities are “not a political problem,” despite utilizing them solely for purely political means to an end.

9:42 – Holy crap this is actually sponsored by Youtube and Youtube celebrities are asking questions to the candidates. This is a sad display of millennial outreach by the Democratic Party.

9:47 – Second commercial break. Satirists girlfriend asks what’s going on. Satirist shrugs.

9:53 – O’Malley speaks, irritated his coloring session was interrupted.

9:58 – Sanders, talking about Goldman-Sachs, flies away in act of high-powered gesticulation.

10:00 – Clinton accidentally butchers Wall Street speech Goldman-Sachs executive prepared for her, nation (and satirist) too uneducated on Wall Street to recognize. Executive shrugs, mutters “meh screw it”

10:04 – O’Malley giggles at the sight of his familiar friends getting in wacky and zany adventures.

10:08 – Clinton’s wardrobe dresser continues praying with a religious ferocity not seen since the 1300’s.

10:10 – Third commercial break. Satirist losing faith in momentum of his joke. His stamina runs low, but trudges forward bravely, fueled by coffee and ramen noodles.

10:15 – Questions regarding America’s safety come up. O’Malley presents to the crowd this.

10:22 – Sanders discusses plan to build a wall.

10:27 – Clinton twitches during speech about previous experience in international politics, meaning everyone in the crowd has to drink.

10:34 – 4th Commercial break. Satirist’s dog loses fight to self after violent and tumultuous tail-chasing episode.

10:40 – One inspired audience member raises pitchfork, attempts to lead national uprising, exits hurriedly out of auditorium alone.

10:42 – Bill Clinton seen off-screen drinking a martini, flirting.

10:44 – All three candidates put heads together in pre-closing remarks huddle. There’s a clap in unison, and they re-emerge to take their places behind their stands.

10:50 – O’Malley gives closing remarks, reminding the audience on his name, his ability to color in the lines, and the one universal solution to the world’s problems.

10:52 – Hillary actually (not kidding, dear reader) says “I’ll tell you what” in closing remarks.

10:54 – Sanders gives closing remarks, talks of overthrowing the “Illuminati”.

10:57 – Clinton’s wardrobe dresser seems to have disappeared. Authorities have been notified, but we all know. We all know.