HBO BROADCAST TRANSCRIPT

May 06, 2005

Episode #311



“REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



BILL MAHER



MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

(via satellite)

ANDREW SULLIVAN

KIM CAMPBELL

MICHAEL McKEAN

Rep. BERNIE SANDERS, (I) Vermont

(via satellite)



All “Real Time with Bill Maher” transcripts are prepared immediately following the initial HBO broadcast. Due to the speed with which these transcripts are prepared, complete accuracy cannot be guaranteed.



[COLD OPEN: MOCK “ABC NEWS ‘PRIMETIME LIVE' TEASE]

“PRIMETIME LIVE” ANNOUNCER: This week on “Primetime Live,” shocking allegations leveled by the First Lady against President Bush. [laughter]

LAURA BUSH: He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. [laughter] What's worse, it was a male horse. [laughter]

ANNOUNCER: What really went on that day at the ranch. A “Primetime” exclusive.

“TALKING” HORSE: It started out innocently enough. [laughter] An apple, some sugar cubes. Then he started in with the “Jesus” Juice. [laughter]

ANNOUNCER: John Quinones gets it straight from the horse's mouth.

HORSE: It was so shameful, I didn't know what to do. I just pretended I was sleeping. [laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Also, a “Primetime” follow-up: another Paula Abdul accuser comes forward.

HORSE: And before I knew it, she was riding me like I've never been ridden before. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

[OPENING CREDITS]

[applause] [cheers] [standing ovation]

BILL MAHER: Thank you very much. How you doin'? Thank you. Aw, please, sit down. Thank you. Folks, please. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to “Real Time.” I'm Pat O'Brien and you are so fucking hot! [laughter] Also, I'd just like to say at the beginning, Paula Abdul picked out my suit and my jokes, and that is it. We've nothing…[laughter] That apparently is what America has been preoccupied with this week, whether Paula Abdul had sex with the contestant from “American Idol.” Boy, that's a wake-up call for Pat O'Brien. When you have more trouble getting laid than a kid who takes tenth place in a karaoke contest, that…[laughter] [applause]

Yes, even – even former “Idol” man, Clay Aiken has weighed in on this. He said it's hard to believe that Paula had sex with this guy. Of course, for Clay Aiken, sex between any man and a woman is hard to believe. [laughter] [applause] I kid the gays. [laughter]

Speaking of which, Britain had an election. [laughter] Tony Blair—[applause]—Tony Blair was re-elected for the third time. This is great news for the White House, because without Tony Blair, who is there to translate the Bush foreign policy into English? [laughter] [applause] Yeah…

And on his birthday, no less. It was Tony Blair's birthday today. He's 52 years old, which is 164 in lap-dog years. [laughter] That's the…[applause] President Bush sent a congratulatory note over to 10 Downing Street, he said, as soon as he found out the address, he would…[laughter]

Now, President Bush actually is on his way to Latvia . He's in Europe this weekend. But his minions are not losing any time here. They have opened this day a third of our national forests, our pristine wilderness, to drilling, mining and logging. All part of the conservative push to end the tyranny of un-elected, activist wildlife. [scattered laughter] This is not our normal crowd, is it? [laughter] This is not the – let's go back to the Paula Abdul shit. [laughter]

No, we are – we are losing the secular battle here. The Kansas School Board, again, trying to pass this week a resolution replacing teaching of evolution with the teaching of “creationism.” They pointed out today in the meeting that no one actually ever saw evolution happen. [laughter] I'm not kidding. That's not the joke part. [applause] They also passed a resolution that says your feet disappear when you put on shoes. [laughter] [applause]

Well, listen to this: a dozen penguins in the San Francisco Zoo have died of an outbreak of chlamydia. [laughter] Paris Hilton was unavailable for comment. [laughter] [applause] But…but there was a videotape of her having sex with what looks like a tiny man in formal wear. [laughter] There's…there is something wrong at that zoo, I tell you. Not only do they have chlamydia-ridden penguins, but they have genital-warthogs. [laughter] What the…? [applause]

And finally, if you think America is not going to hell in a hand-cart, Starbucks is refusing to sell Bruce Springsteen's new album – by the way, who knew – I guess, just me – didn't know Starbucks sells albums? Okay. [laughter] They're not going to sell the Bruce Springsteen album because there's a song on it called “ Reno ” which narrates a visit with a Guatemalan prostitute, and apparently glorifies anal sex. [laughter] I've said it before, I'll say it again: what is wrong with immigrants coming here and doing the jobs that Americans just won't do anymore? [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

All right, thank you very much. You sound like a good group. We've got a good show. We've got Michael McKean, former Prime Minister Kim Campbell and Andrew Sullivan. A little later, I'll be speaking with Representative Bernie Sanders. But first, she is a former U.S. Secretary of State whose memoir, Madam Secretary is not available in paperback. Please welcome Madeleine Albright! [applause] [cheers] Hello, Madam Secretary, how are you?

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I'm great, Bill. It's good to be with you.

MAHER: Is that the right term? “Madam Secretary”?

ALBRIGHT: Whatever you want.

MAHER: All right. It sounds kind of dirty. I like it. [laughter] So I guess you read in the paper yesterday, as we all did, that apparently we have captured the number-three man in Al Qaeda. Does it seem to you that this is about the fifth time we've captured the “number-three man”? [laughter] [applause] In Al Queda? I mean, how many number-three men do they have over there in Al Qaeda? [laughter]

ALBRIGHT: It's very hard to tell. And the problem is that we haven't captured the number-one man, though we have thousands of troops there looking for him. [applause]

MAHER: All right, let me propose a parallel universe here to you. Say it's November, 2000. Black people in Florida are actually allowed to vote—[laughter]—and Al Gore wins that state, wins the election, and it's the Al Gore Administration. You continue in your job. How different would the world look? What would the “war on terror” look like? What would the world look like now?

ALBRIGHT: I think it would look quite different, Bill. Let's presume that 9/11 happened anyway. And I think President Gore would have definitely responded in Afghanistan , because that's, after all, where the people that hit the twin towers came from. I believe that we would not be in Iraq . [applause] I think President Gore would have looked at that intelligence in a completely different way, and would not have decided to launch a war against a country that didn't have nuclear weapons. So we would not be in Iraq , and we would be finishing the job in Afghanistan . [applause]

MAHER: Okay, and…but, but you were the one who said, famously, “What's the point of having this great military if we don't use it?” Why does that apply to Democrats and not to Republicans?

ALBRIGHT: Well, I have to tell you, you have to figure out what you're using it for, and whether you actually are basing the usage of American troops on real intelligence, or on making things up. [applause] And when we used our troops in Kosovo, along with NATO, as a part of an alliance, we actually saved a lot of people from ethnic cleansing. And we had the intelligence to do that, and not just decide that we were going to start a war because somebody somewhere thought it was a good idea, without really basing it on fact. [applause]

MAHER: But a lot of – but, I mean, even you have acknowledged that a lot of Iraqis died under the sanctions because they didn't get the food and the medicine that was supposed to come to them. Is there a case to be made to say that they're actually better because we went in there and actually got rid of the dictator?

ALBRIGHT: Well, I'm very glad that Saddam Hussein is gone, and I really admire the Iraqi people for voting. But I don't think there are a lot of countries in the Middle East or in other parts of the world that say, “I would like my country to look just like that.” [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: Okay, all right, let's move on to Korea . It was in the paper today that North Korea apparently is going to – about to test a nuclear weapon. And I tell you, this worries me and I'll tell you why. Because we had riots out here in 1992, and the one people that weren't even intimidated were the Korean groceries. [laughter] [applause] Even during the riots, they were like, “Buy something or get out.” [laughter] You know, they were…So—

ALBRIGHT: You are so bad.

MAHER: You know better than anybody, as you've been over there. They are a tough people. What do you say to the critics who say that, you know, you were kind of bamboozled by them; you trusted them and then they cheated on you?

ALBRIGHT: Well, I would tell them that they're wrong. You know, this, Bill, is a very serious issue, and a very difficult one. And a very dangerous one. And when we came into office, the North Koreans had already reprocessed out of these sites that they have enough plutonium in order to make one or two nuclear weapons. And then, as a result of the work that we did in freezing the programs, they weren't able to produce, we think, somewhere between even 50 to 100 weapons.

But in the amount of time that the Bush Administration has done nothing about North Korea , we now think that they are able to make four to six nuclear weapons. And, as you know, they tested a missile over Japan recently, and we don't know what they're trying to do now; potentially do a nuclear test. So I think things have gotten much, much worse. I believe that North Korea is the most dangerous place in the world, and we are diverted with our attention on Iraq .

And if I were Kim Jong Il, I would read the message of Iraq to be, if you don't have nuclear weapons, you get invaded, and if you do have nuclear weapons, you don't get invaded. Because we didn't invade the Soviet Union and China . So I think we're sending the wrong messages and doing nothing to really prevent a very, very dangerous situation. [applause]

MAHER: Well, okay, let's – let's talk about this “Lil' Kim” as I call him. [laughter] Not the Lil' Kim who's going to jail. And that's wrong. But this guy should be going to jail. I read that he once killed his barber because he gave him a bad haircut. Now, how do you deal with a man like that?

ALBRIGHT: Well, I don't know whether that's true, but I have to tell you, I have the rather dubious honor of being the highest-level American official to ever meet with him.

MAHER: Right.

ALBRIGHT: And we were having our press conference. And I looked over and I saw that we were about the same size. And then I knew that I was wearing high heels, but so was he. [laughter] [applause] And you know, his hair—

MAHER: Well, when a man wears them, they're called “lifts.” Now, come on. [laughter]

ALBRIGHT: But, you know, you were talking about his hair. It was a great deal poofier than mine. [laughter] So whoever is doing it has a good technique.

MAHER: So he was beating you on both ends. All right. [laughter] Let me read a quote from Kim Jong Il. He said this just the other day, I think. He's talking about President Bush, and he said, “He is a half-baked man in terms of morality and a Philistene whom we can never deal with. His remarks often stun audiences as they reveal his utter ignorance.” Now, if the Democrats had had the guts to talk about Bush like that, wouldn't we now be dealing with President Kerry? [applause]

ALBRIGHT: Well, I have to tell you, name-calling is very tempting, and I must that I've indulged in some of it, myself. But it doesn't help either in dealing with the North Koreans or actually in a campaign. So, you know, it's interesting to hear what they say about—

MAHER: [overlapping] Well, it helped the Republicans. It helped the Republicans when they did it against Kerry. [applause]

ALBRIGHT: Well…

MAHER: It helped – it helped calling a war hero a “war criminal,” didn't it?

ALBRIGHT: You know, lying is one of the big activities here. So I am very concerned that we are sinking to a level where we say kinds of things like that, and I'm not for name-calling. I'm for telling it straight, that the country would be much better off, either with first President Gore or President Kerry, because we were and are prepared to defend America when you have to, and not base our wars on misguided information or lies, frankly. [applause]

MAHER: All right, spoken like the true statesman you are. Thank you very much, Madam Secretary. I hope you'll join us on the panel sometime. [applause] [cheers] All right, Madeleine Albright. Let's meet our panel, folks. Thank you.

All right, first up, he is the senior editor of The New Republic . His blog is AndrewSullivan.com. Andrew Sullivan right over here! [applause] Andrew, how are you?

She is the former Prime Minister of Canada – wow, on our show? – and current Secretary General of the Club of Madrid, our friend, Kim Campbell. Hey! [applause]

And of course, you know this guy, the star of “Spinal Tap” and “A Mighty Wind,” soon be appearing with his wife, Annette O'Toole at Feinstein's in New York , Michael McKean! Hey! [applause] [cheers]

MICHAEL McKEAN: Thank you. Great one, Bill.

MAHER: Okay. So, I've got to tell you guys, I was at the White House Correspondents Dinner the other night—

ANDREW SULLIVAN: Yes.

MAHER: --where Laura Bush spoke. And, you know, a lot of my liberal friends have said, “Oh, you know, how awful! She told a joke where the president was jerking off a horse.” [laughter] And, you know, as a comedian, I appreciate when – you know, especially when someone who is not a comic, is getting laughs. And she killed. She made it very hard on Cedric The Entertainer, who had to follow her, because he doesn't work blue. [laughter]

McKEAN: No. No, sir.

MAHER: He had to keep it clean, and that was tough. But will you grant—

SULLIVAN: His trouble is he didn't work “white” that night.

MAHER: I'm glad you said that and not me. [laughter] And that's the point I'm getting at. Grant me one thing: when you're a conservative in this country, you have a lot more license to say crazy shit. You are just given a lot more free speech in America . [applause]

McKEAN: That's – that's the way it's got to be, right?

MAHER: Why?

KIM CAMPBELL: Well, it's because the liberals don't come back at it—

MAHER: Yes.

CAMPBELL : --in such a ferocious way. It's because they say, “Ah, she cracked a joke. It wasn't such a great joke, but it's okay.” But the other side is always ready to jump on you when you say anything. So…

MAHER: Listen to what Pat – Pat Robertson was on “This Week,” the George Stephanopoulos show, and he said, “An out-of-control federal judiciary is the most serious threat America has faced in nearly 400 years.” He said it was more serious than the threat from Al Qaeda, the Nazis or the Civil War.

McKEAN: That's funny! Oh, he wasn't trying to be funny. [laughter]

MAHER: But why is – why is he given this serious platform? I mean, this man is a raving, barking, lunatic. [applause]

McKEAN: But who takes him seriously?

SULLIVAN: Yeah, yeah.

MAHER: He is the nut – if he didn't have a suit, he'd be on the street corner with a bullhorn.

McKEAN: Yes.

SULLIVAN: The reason, Bill, is that, as a lunatic, he controls a huge amount of the base of the Republican Party.

MAHER: Oh.

SULLIVAN: And therefore, he has a huge amount of power. And therefore, he's important. And that's why we have to listen to this lunacy on national television. It's—

McKEAN: Well, it's—

SULLIVAN: --because the Republican Party has given in to these people and they run the place.

CAMPBELL : And it's incitement. It's not just crazy talk. It's actually incitement. It's code for saying it's okay to go after these people. I mean, if it's okay for us to invade countries because of Al Qaeda, then it's okay for people to go after judges. It's really scary.

SULLIVAN: Or John Cornyn, a Texan, a Senator, saying that violence judges is “understandable”?

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: And citing recent cases, like Judge Nudall [sic] [Judge Lefkow ] in Chicago, whose own husband and mother were murdered, because of a random crime by a person who had a vengeance against them, and saying that that's to do with liberals and Democrats?! It's disgusting. The man should have resigned from the Senate, but he got away with it clean. [applause]

MAHER: Then why do you throw your lot in with these people? I mean, last time you were here, you were defending them.

SULLIVAN: I was just defending them from the fact that some people make fun of and de-legitimize religious people, genuine religious people, and what we have to do is engage those people and point out that some of these extreme—

MAHER: Why?

SULLIVAN: --because most of them actually—

MAHER: Why?

SULLIVAN: --most people of faith—

MAHER: You know what?

SULLIVAN: --do not adhere to the crazy lunacies of people like Pat Robertson.

MAHER: Oh, I don't know.

SULLIVAN: We have to – we have—

McKEAN: I wish you were right.

SULLIVAN: We have to reclaim our faith from these lunatics. And that's a critical problem.

MAHER: Listen, I was just talking about Kansas . I said the board met again this week.

McKEAN: Yeah, right.

MAHER: Here's one of the two proposals that they want in Kansas . The other proposal, that Kansas alter the definition of science—

McKEAN: Right.

MAHER: --not limiting it – not limiting it to theories based on natural explanations. Now they want to change the definition of science. These people are out of control, and there are not just a few of them.

McKEAN: Yeah.

MAHER: And when folks like you [to Sullivan] hedge your bets on them, it just give them more power.

SULLIVAN: I never—I have never—

MAHER: And you're the type they're going to round up and make pray until you like pussy! [laughter] [applause] [cheers] And we know that's not going to happen.

SULLIVAN: Bill, I was going to say—

McKEAN: But I sympathize.

MAHER: It's going to take a while. [laughter]

SULLIVAN: It's going to take a lot more than Pat Robertson to make me like pussy. [laughter]

CAMPBELL : That's a relief to some of here, I'll tell you.

SULLIVAN: I think we have to also not fall into the trap, Bill. I've opposed these people every inch of the way. But I happen to think the important thing for people within the broad conservative position is to take these people on, not to allow them to define themselves as real conservatives.

McKEAN: But you won't find people doing that on that side of the aisle.

SULLIVAN: Well, I'm doing it. Other people are doing it.

McKEAN: I don't know. Generally.

SULLIVAN: And I think the public is beginning to realize. They say, in the Terri Schiavo case, that this isn't just about gay people whom they're attacking. It's not just about people who are having abortions or might need to have abortions. It's about all of you guys—[indicates audience]—whose lives are on the line, whom they want to control.

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: It's your bodies they want control over. And that has to get through.

MAHER: But—

SULLIVAN: And what we're seeing is the polling is shifting. People are realizing the extremism within the Republican Party, and they're suffering for it. [applause]

MAHER: I don't know.

CAMPBELL : But, you know, Paul Krugman – Paul Krugman, whom you've had on your show—

MAHER: Yeah.

CAMPBELL : --wrote that he read Henry Kissinger's Ph.D. thesis, which is about what happens in a stable system – this time, Europe , the time of the French Revolution – when one of the players is a rogue and doesn't play by the rules. And he talks about all the rationalizations that people make, why they're doing this. You know, well, they have to play to their supporters, and they'll come on board soon.

MAHER: Right.

CAMPBELL : And Krugman says, as he's reading this, he thinks, “My God, I'm reading about the Bush Administration.”

MAHER: Right.

CAMPBELL : I think when we face radicals who actually don't accept the rules and don't accept the historical consensus of the separation of church and state, who have no respect for the notion of what science is, all of these kinds of things, it is so mind-boggling that people are kind of paralyzed. They don't know what to do. And so they keep thinking, “Oh, it's just a marginal thing; they aren't really this focused at changing things.” And yet they are.

McKEAN: Or – or just to be really depressing, what if they just understand that if you get the “birdbrain” vote, you win. [applause] Because you really do – you get people who can plug into – totally buy into this entire thing.

CAMPBELL : [overlapping] Well, and you also—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] But it's not – if you define all religious people as “birdbrained”—

McKEAN: No, no, no. I'm not saying all religious people—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] Then you're not going to help your cause.

McKEAN: I'm saying people like Pat Robertson, who tells us that he prayed a hurricane away from his house. [laughter] This was 20 years ago. We didn't blow the whistle then?

SULLIVAN: He not only – he not only – he not only directed it away from his house, he specifically prayed God to go to Fire Island —

McKEAN: Exactly.

SULLIVAN: --so that the gays would get it. [laughter]

McKEAN: That's exactly right. That's exactly right. [applause]

SULLIVAN: It was a brilliant piece of theological meteorology. [laughter]

CAMPBELL : [overlapping] Well, there's proof that—

McKEAN: Just put a little English on it.

CAMPBELL : And proof that there isn't a God, because Fire Island is still there. What the heck.

MAHER: Okay, well, but here's—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] Just, by the way.

MAHER: --here's how much – it's not just the margins. Okay, in Washington State , which is not a red state, Microsoft – okay, you know this company?

SULLIVAN: Knuckled under.

MAHER: Knuckled – today, they reversed themselves – but, yes, they had a very liberal, gay policy. One preacher up there, one crazy preacher, right-wing, Christian right guy threatened them, and they backed down. They took away their – and then they remembered, “Oh, wait, our customers use computers so…[laughter]…they can think. So maybe that isn't…”

SULLIVAN: You know what I found really frightening about George Bush's press conference, the latest press conference? He actually – we're actually at a state in this country where the president had to say that non-believers are just as patriotic as anybody else.

McKEAN: Yeah.

SULLIVAN: He had to say that?! That should be the most obvious statement imaginable.

MAHER: He didn't say that—

SULLIVAN: Now, that—

MAHER: He just said, “other religions.”

SULLIVAN: No.

McKEAN: No, he did say – he actually did suggest—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] He also said people who don't believe anything at all, or atheists, are just as patriotic.

McKEAN: Yeah.

SULLIVAN: And that – no, he did say that, Bill. Trust me. And I know you don't trust me that much.

MAHER: Well, if he did, he didn't believe it. [laughter]

CAMPBELL : He had his fingers crossed when he was talking about it.

McKEAN: You're asking for the world now, Bill. [applause]

MAHER: I read this quote last week and I got cut off, so people didn't put it in context, but Tom DeLay last week was talking about Justice Kennedy – and this just makes me laugh so much – he said, “Justice Kennedy” – show it up there [text graphic appears] – “he does his own research on the INTERNET! That is just incredibly outrageous.” [laughs]

McKEAN: My God.

MAHER: And here's the context. He was talking about the fact that Justice Kennedy – they were ruling – the Supreme Court ruled on this case called “Roper v. Simmons.” It was the one about whether we should execute juveniles.

McKEAN: Right.

MAHER: And the Supreme Court decided that we would not be with only one other country, Somalia , that executes juveniles. This is what he was doing his research on – “on the INTERNET!!”—[laughter]—he was—

SULLIVAN: But, Bill – But, Bill, the broader point that he was making, just to – was that – that Kennedy and O'Connor specifically said they could use international precedents for American jurisprudence. Now, there is a legitimate argument about whether that is legitimate. We have a Constitution—

MAHER: [overlapping] Really?

SULLIVAN: [overlapping]—they have other constitutions.

MAHER: We can't even look at their constitutions? Somebody around the world might know something that an American doesn't? Come on, that's…[applause]

SULLIVAN: I am not – look—would you like – would like to—[voices overlap]

CAMPBELL : [overlapping] But – look, the Declaration—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping]—take our constitutional law from Zimbabwe ?

CAMPBELL : [overlapping] No, the –

SULLIVAN: I mean, look—

CAMPBELL : [overlapping] Look, hang on, hang on! Hang on a minute!!

MAHER: [overlapping] I know, but is it such an outrage to look on the Internet?

SULLIVAN: Not at all. I'm just saying once again—

MAHER: But hang on a minute!

SULLIVAN: [overlapping]—you're distorting something that's a little bit more complicated than you imply.

MAHER: The Declaration of Independence – and I'm a Canuck, and even I know this – talks about the need to take into account the opinions of mankind.

McKEAN: Right.

MAHER: There's a terminology for it. In other words, the reason why we have to do the Declaration of Independence and explain why we're staging a revolution against Britain is because the opinions of the people of mankind matter—

McKEAN: Right.

MAHER: --and we should tell them why we're doing it. [applause]

SULLIVAN: But they didn't seek the constitution of Great Britain to inform the Constitution of the United States . This is a sovereign country.

MAHER: Of course it did.

McKEAN: Sure, they did. Sure, they did.

MAHER: You're telling me that the Magna Carta had nothing to do with the Constitution?

SULLIVAN: No, I—

MAHER: That we – oh, the Constitution of the United States —

SULLIVAN: Of course.

MAHER: --from the enlightened founders of this country—

CAMPBELL : --was so—[overlapping]

MAHER: --who were British in origin—

SULLIVAN: If you believe—

MAHER: Just came out of [sounds like] Ab-ova [sp]? It didn't come from anyone else in the world? [laughter] [applause]

SULLIVAN: Of course there were influences. But if you believe the founding fathers decided to build their Constitution on the model of Britain , you're wrong. They built it precisely in opposition to Britain at the time.

McKEAN: Not totally.

MAHER: No, not at all totally. They—

SULLIVAN: No king, divided government, separation or powers, Bill of Rights, none of that existed in Britain at the time. This was a radical, new experiment. Now, I'm not saying you can't look at other countries—

MAHER: Parts of it were.

CAMPBELL : Well, but there was a lot of consideration that, in fact, the president was like an elected king. And one of the advantages of Washington, and that Washington himself spoke about, was that he had no children, so there was not going to be any temptation for a dynasty. Hoo-haw, he should have lived long enough to see what really happened.

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] No, they constitutionally – they constitutionally made it impossible for their to be a king, okay?

MAHER: Okay, the idea that they—

SULLIVAN: They defied world opinion to make America . That's why this country is different.

MAHER: The idea that the king and his soldiers can't just knock on your door and come in and rouse you for no reason, that is from Great Britain . And I'm glad we have it here.

SULLIVAN: Unfortunately – unfortunately, it happened in Great Britain a lot, and it was partly the rebellion against that, that led the Americans to give a Bill of Rights to protect people from it.

CAMPBELL : And there's a reason why—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] Bone up on your history a little bit.

CAMPBELL : [overlapping]—the courts have to overthrow legislation, is because governments continue to breach constitutions. That's why you have a judicial branch to be umpires, to say when governments go too far. [applause] That's why you need judges who can't be fired!

SULLIVAN: Of course.

MAHER: Right.

McKEAN: I would say one more thing about Kennedy on the Internet, though. I mean, you can get a “Justice Blocker.” It's like a “Net Nanny.” [laughter] There are certain – he can't go to Somalia , for example. [applause] So it's – it costs, like, what? Twenty bucks? Yeah.

MAHER: Anyway, Justice Scalia dissented in this case—

CAMPBELL : [overlapping] Cheap at twice the price.

MAHER: Justice Scalia did not want this. He was against this ruling. And this is one of the chief people who is saying “the culture of life.” Now, if he's saying, you know, “You can't mess with – with the Eighth Amendment. You just can't do it. We're going to put to death the people we've always put to death, and if you mess with that, civilization will end, and the next thing you know, people will be doing research on the Internet.” [laughter] Okay, how come these people who are for “the culture of life,” Terri Schiavo, stem cells, but you can put death a juvenile? [scattered applause]

SULLIVAN: Well, you see, they're brilliant at deciding when their principles apply.

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: “The culture of life,” I might say, is a phrase invented by the last pope. And what it meant was, you're opposed to death, in the death penalty—

McKEAN: War.

SULLIVAN: --in war—

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: --and in euthanasia and abortion. The Republicans decide, “Oh, we're cafeteria. We'll take the abortion and euthanasia—[laughter]—but we will launch wars and we will – I mean, George Bush has signed more death warrants than any other human being in this country.

McKEAN: Yeah. [applause]

SULLIVAN: And not only that—

MAHER: More than Pontius Pilate, actually. [laughter]

SULLIVAN: And not only that, the evidence is that the advice he was given, the legal advice he was given by then Alberto Gonzales, his flunky in Texas, was among the most shoddy, slipshod and quick evidence. In other words, these people were pushed to the gallows.

McKEAN: We call that “ Texas justice.” [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: You mentioned the pope. Now, the pope – the present pope – used to, before he got that job, he was the head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith. He was the go-to guy for defrocking. Anytime there was a complaint about abuse, they would—

SULLIVAN: We can't – we can't use the word, “defrock” anymore.

MAHER: Why?

SULLIVAN: Because he was “defrocking” all – you know, all the “defrocking”—[laughter]

McKEAN: It's too close to “shirt-lifter.”

MAHER: Well, exactly. He said—

SULLIVAN: There's a lot of “defrocking” going on. [laughter]

MAHER: He sent a letter – he sent a letter in 2001, to every bishop at every church around the world, saying, “If there is an allegation of abuse against a kid, investigate it within the church. Keep it secret. Don't go to the police.” Now, in this country, we call that obstruction of justice.

McKEAN: Right. [applause]

MAHER: If he wasn't the pope, wouldn't he – or at least shouldn't he be arrested?

McKEAN: Oh, I want the movie rights. [laughter] “Busting Poppa!” Michael Chiklis! [applause] “Freeze, Holy Father!!”

CAMPBELL : Well, then you'd finally have something to do with all those schmatahs that were hanging in Central Park . You'd make all these little orange cassocks and they'd all have to wear them because they're going to jail. [laughter]

SULLIVAN: It's even worse, Bill, actually, because – as when he was in his previous job, all the allegations of sexual abuse would go to him. And so he knew everything. And he did nothing.

McKEAN: Yes.

SULLIVAN: Not only that, the Legion of Christ, this position, this Father Maciel guy, he was accused credibly of abusing many, many people over many years, was sent directly to Pope Benedict XVI, in 1997. He killed it. He buried it. And then what did he do last December? He reopened it. Why? Because as soon as you reopen it, there's a gag order on everybody involved.

McKEAN: Ah-hah.

SULLIVAN: This man knows that he is up to his neck in this scandal, and this goes right to the pope himself.

MAHER: And this is my point to you about religion. Religion empowers men with infallibility. Men. And when I say “men,” I don't mean mankind. I mean people with penises. [laughter] Because those are the people who have controlled religion often—

CAMPBELL : Hear, hear.

MAHER: --to the point of keeping women in secondary—

McKEAN: Those ones who were “created in God's image.”

MAHER: Right, exactly.

McKEAN: With the penis and everything. [laughter]

MAHER: I mean—

McKEAN: It's in the book! [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: I mean, people who run religions are just men—

CAMPBELL : It's not clear what the use of the “heavenly organ” is, but—

McKEAN: Oh, hey! [laughter]

MAHER: Madam Prime Minister, please. [laughter]

McKEAN: I beg your pardon. [laughter]

MAHER: That language may be okay in front of Laura Bush, but…[laughter]

McKEAN: They're very – very earthy up there, aren't they?

MAHER: But, I mean, don't you see that? That they are just people who are as corrupt, with their agendas and sexual needs?

SULLIVAN: Yes.

MAHER: And how can you listen to other people who are just other people like you?

SULLIVAN: Yes.

MAHER: They're not “woo-ooh.” [laughter]

McKEAN: But you're saying that you should engage them, and I think you're right, in that case. I think—

SULLIVAN: I would say this: that one of the proofs of my faith, which is based on the Gospels of a man called Jesus, is that that had to be so true to survive the corruption and evil of the men who have tried to propagate it since. [applause] I mean, that's what I would say.

MAHER: But Jesus never said anything about a pope.

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] And the Church – the Church – no, of course – well, he did—

MAHER: He never said, “Let's have a pope and put a big crown on him and have him sit on a throne and live in a palace, and make him infallible.” [laughter] Jesus never—

SULLIVAN: He said – he said, “The Kingdom of God is within you. Love one another and forgive one another.” He didn't create institutions. Unfortunately, human beings – most human beings – do not live up to the levels and standards of Jesus. And so we have something called a Church, which is deeply imperfect and riddled with corruption, but it's the only thing we've got.

MAHER: No, there isn't. What do you mean, the only thing? Why not just have your spirituality? Why not just have you and Jesus without these intermediaries? [applause] [cheers] That's what I don't understand.

CAMPBELL : It was called the Protestant Reformation.

SULLIVAN: I'll tell you why.

MAHER: But they're corrupt, too.

SULLIVAN: I'll tell you why. Because without that institution, we wouldn't have had the truths passed on to us. We wouldn't have had the Gospels cherished and protected and preserved and passed on. [applause]

McKEAN: Well, but isn't that—

CAMPBELL : But you know—

SULLIVAN: Because these institutions – these institutions, however flawed, are necessary to keep some things alive. And because, even within those institutions, Bill, right now, today, there are good people, good priests doing great work, helping people everywhere. [applause] And you should not – you should not tar their sanctity and their works by the corruption of the few.

MAHER: Okay.

SULLIVAN: And that's the important point.

MAHER: All right, let me show a picture of a cheerleader. [laughter] [insert: photo of male cheerleader look up skirt of female cheerleader he's holding over his head]

McKEAN: Yeah. [laughter]

MAHER: I show this for a reason. The Texas State House just passed a law – talk about emboldening—

McKEAN: I know her! [laughter]

MAHER: Right, show that again. I love this picture, because it shows that male cheerleaders are not gay, they're brilliant. [laughter]

McKEAN: Just curious.

MAHER: But they—

CAMPBELL : They've figured it out.

MAHER: But this goes to the point of how emboldened the right wing, the Christian right, feels. The Texas State House has just passed a law against—

SULLIVAN: [laughing] Oh, God.

MAHER: --“overtly sexual cheerleading.”

McKEAN: Yeah.

MAHER: First of all, where do these people think that we train our next generation of strippers? It is right there, my friends. [laughter] [applause] So we came up with a few cheers that are approved by the right wing. [laughter]

McKEAN: Okay.

MAHER: “Hey-hey-ho-ho! Activist judges have got to go!” [laughter]

CAMPBELL : Good one. That's good.

MAHER: “We've got spirit, yes, we do! We've got spirit, and hymens, too!” [laughter] [applause]

“Limbaugh, Coulter, O'Reilly and Hannity! Give me three cheers for Christianity!” [laughter] [applause]

“Go Red, Fight Blue! John Kerry was a Jew!” [laughter]

Let's go to Bernie Sanders. He is the longest-serving Independent in the history of the United States House of Representatives. He is now a candidate for U.S. Senate from Vermont , Bernie Sanders. Bernie! [applause]

BERNIE SANDERS [via satellite]: Hey, Bill, how are you?

MAHER: How are you, sir?

SANDERS: I'm good.

MAHER: I want you to weigh in on this idea of the Christian right feeling so emboldened these days that they can do anything. Do you notice this? Do you notice a change in the House of Representatives in the last few years?

SANDERS: Oh, absolutely. What we're seeing is a growth of intolerance. We're seeing an abuse of power. And one of the issues that really concerns me is that we're seeing more and more censorship in America on the media, and a real curtailing of freedom of debate. We see that on the floor of the House. You're seeing that in the media. And what concerns me very much, Bill, is, in the House, a couple of months ago, an indecency – so-called “indecency” bill was passed, which will fine broadcasters – radio, TV people, you! – if you're indecent, up to the tune—

MAHER: Hey!

SANDERS: --and I know that wouldn't be you!

MAHER: No, no. I'm okay. Those cocksuckers on “Deadwood” are in trouble. [laughter]

SANDERS: Those are the guys.

MAHER: But not me. [applause]

SANDERS: And the fear is – the fear is that there are some in the Congress now who want to take this business into cable TV—

MAHER: Pay cable, right? Even pay cable?

SANDERS: Pardon me?

MAHER: Even pay cable?

SANDERS: Pay cable. Of course, pay cable. Absolutely. Into the Internet. Into satellite. Which means that you're going to have a couple of commissars in Washington glued to your particular program, among others.

MAHER: Well, I – that's not a bad thing, yeah.

McKEAN: You welcome that. The more viewers the better, right?

MAHER: And you're – and you're doing something to fight this. And I have to say—

SANDERS: Yeah, we – yeah, we've introduced legislation which basically says that it is unconstitutional, among other things, and that the FCC should not get involved in cable, in the Internet and on satellite. [applause] And the reason for that—

MAHER: Do you think this might be where they're overreaching one step too far? Where it gets people going? Because people don't care about the environment, the war on terror, the economy. But when you mess with their entertainment…[laughter]

SANDERS: That's right. You tell people – that's exactly correct – you tell people they can't watch “The Sopranos,” they can't watch “Queer as Folk,” “South Park,” all of those programs, people are going to say, “Hey, wait a minute, this president is talking about freedom and freedom, and we can't watch what we want on cable TV after paying a hundred bucks a month to do it? Give me a break.” [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: Well, is that what it costs? A hundred bucks a month?

McKEAN: Yeah.

MAHER: Boy, we'd better be good.

McKEAN: You're getting really ripped off there, by the way. [laughter] Hundred bucks a month?

MAHER: Yeah.

SANDERS: Well, depending on where you live. What's already going on—

McKEAN: [overlapping] God, I'll come to your house and have sex with you for a hundred bucks. [laughter] You know, at least once a month.

SULLIVAN: Well, in Vermont , they have a 50% tax on—

MAHER: Wait, wait, let this man speak while he's here. All right, go ahead, Bernie.

SANDERS: Let me give you an example of this thing. Last November, on Veterans Day, ABC played “Saving Private Ryan,” which I thought was a pretty good movie.

MAHER: Great movie.

SANDERS: And it was in honor of – it was in honor of the sacrifice that the great generation made on D-Day in World War II. Sixty ABC affiliates—

MAHER: Right.

SANDERS: --refused to show that film because they were afraid they were going to be fined for indecency because in the film, of course, soldiers were using some—

MAHER: It was like old home week to me, Bernie.

SANDERS: There you go. And that's before they raised the fine. So I think we've got a problem there.

MAHER: Okay. I noticed the other day when President Bush was having his press conference, that he hurried off so that Paris Hilton's show would not start late. You know, whenever they say the public owns the airwaves, is any of that still true? Does any of that mean anything anymore, that the public owns—

SANDERS: No.

MAHER: No.

SANDERS: Not really. What you're seeing, and what everybody should be concerned about, is through all of these mergers, you're seeing fewer and fewer large media conglomerates owning and controlling not only on television, not only on radio, but in book publishing, every aspect of the media, fewer and fewer big companies are controlling what we see, hear and read. And that is an enormously dangerous trend that the American people had better stand up to. [applause] [cheers]

MAHER: Okay, final question. We were talking earlier about how the right wing gets away with saying things the left wing never could. Dick Cheney, the Vice President, famously said to your fellow Vermonter on the floor of the Senate – excuse my French, but I'm quoting the Vice President, he told him to go fuck himself.

SANDERS: Right.

MAHER: What would happen if that had been Al Gore or some Democratic Vice President? Don't you think there would have been a tremendous outcry?

SANDERS: Oh, absolutely. The right wing hatchet machine would have gone to work. Would have been on “The Drudge Report,” the Rush Limbaugh show, Fox Television. Absolutely. Appeals for his resignation, and so forth and so on. Yes.

MAHER: Okay, Bernie Sanders. Good luck there with that Senate run in Vermont . [applause] [cheers]

SANDERS: Thank you.

McKEAN: Did you hear Rush say “blowjob”?

MAHER: No.

McKEAN: Rush said “blowjob” on his show. Yeah.

MAHER: And was that just the OxyContin talking?

McKEAN: No, no, no. He's okay now. He's okay. He's back. No, Rush said “B.J.”

MAHER: And what was the context?

McKEAN: He was talking about – that's all the kids do, “all teenagers do, that's all they do, just getting blowjobs.” [laughter] That's what he said.

MAHER: He's right about that. [laughter]

McKEAN: Those are the days, huh?

SULLIVAN: When Jocelyn Elder said that, she was fired.

MAHER: Yes.

McKEAN: Yeah.

MAHER: Yes, well, she was talking about – she said, “Masturbate.”



CAMPBELL : She said, “Masturbation…”

McKEAN: She said, “Masturbation might not kill you.”

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: It's okay – it's not okay to jack yourself off, but it's okay to jack your horse off, that's the basic line. [laughter] [applause]

McKEAN: Rush Limbaugh is not my horse, if that's what you're implying. [laughter]

MAHER: Yes.

McKEAN: There we go.

SULLIVAN: I hear he's hung like one.

McKEAN: Ohhh! [laughter]

MAHER: Well, you'd know. [laughter] [applause] Anyway – I'm just mean.

McKEAN: So do I get the set-up on that one, or does he?

MAHER: So the Brits just had an election. It took them 30 days. They're only allowed five TV ads. I love this.

McKEAN: Fabulous.

MAHER: Five TV ads during the whole 30 days, and it cost $38 million. Why can't we have elections like—

SULLIVAN: So hold on a minute, Bill, you've just been railing against censorship and curtailing freedom of speech—

MAHER: That's such—

SULLIVAN: --and now you're saying that people can't advertise as much as they want, their own political views? You'd love it if they were restricted to certain ads? You can't have it both ways. [applause]

MAHER: It's so – why can't you get your message out in 30 days?

SULLIVAN: You can. But why should there be laws preventing--?

MAHER: Because the longer the election goes on, the more money it costs, the more money the candidates have to raise, which means they're more bribable. [applause] The whole thing turns into a system of open bribery.

SULLIVAN: It's called – it's called – it's called something that—

MAHER: It was never—

SULLIVAN: --the Americans that the British did not have, which is called a First Amendment, which you're allowed to say whatever you want wherever you want, which you should defend, Bill, instead of attacking it.

MAHER: We're not saying you can't do it. We're just saying—

SULLIVAN: In Britain , they say you cannot do it.

MAHER: We're just saying, why does it have to take two years?

SULLIVAN: I hate to break it to you, but, yes, the formal campaign is three weeks, but they've been campaigning for two years, Bill.

MAHER: Okay, all right.

McKEAN: Wait a minute. Now, aren't elections – check me on this, this is an idiot question – aren't the elections – they don't happen every four years.

CAMPBELL : No.

SULLIVAN: Yes, they do, roughly speaking.

MAHER: Well, whenever he calls it.

SULLIVAN: They have to have them every five years.

McKEAN: Yeah, it's when – it's when the Prime Minister calls the election.

MAHER: Yes, that's how the parliamentary system works.

CAMPBELL : Or if the government falls. If it's a minority government, the government has no confidence.

McKEAN: So about how much lead time is there between – I mean, you're saying the decision has long been made and you know you're going to call it.

SULLIVAN: Yes.

McKEAN: We have a period of four years.

SULLIVAN: They have—

McKEAN: But people start campaigning in January of the first year—

SULLIVAN: They have a maximum period of five years, and most of them – most of the elections happen between the fourth and the fifth year. So it's really not that much different.

McKEAN: Then how do they resist going all that time without, you know, without campaigning?

SULLIVAN: They don't. They're campaigning all the time. It's just called government. It's called opposition. Every debate on TV is all about the forthcoming campaign.

CAMPBELL : But they don't have – they don't have campaign advertisements. I mean, they do try to raise money before – I mean, I don't mean to be boring, but I actually was a prime minister in the parliamentary system, don't forget. [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: Well, let me point up another difference between Tony Blair and us. Tony Blair said he took some responsibility for the mistakes in Iraq , whereas we now have pinned Abu Ghraib prison scandal—

McKEAN: Yes.

MAHER: --on the retarded midget from West Virginia . [laughter]

McKEAN: Hey, hey, the correct term is “gnome.” Not “midget,” it's “gnome.”

MAHER: Okay, Lynndie England . Show Lynndie England . You remember Lynndie England .

[insert photo of Lynndie England in Abu Ghraib] This poor girl. The judge threw out her “guilty” plea this week.

McKEAN: Right.

MAHER: Because he said, “You know what? She doesn't really know the difference between right and wrong.” She didn't know the difference between her ‘guilty' plea and her ‘not guilty' plea.” We pinned it on her and the female general, the reservist general Karpinski. They busted her down to colonel. I love that. What goes on a sadistic prison is the fault of two women? [laughter] [applause] You know, I mean, women can be sadistic, but, you know, it's like – it's like when a pet is abused, it's almost always because it was men. Ninety-nine percent of the dogs that are abused, you get them home, they're afraid of men. They're never afraid of women. [applause]

SULLIVAN: Bill? Bill—

MAHER: The idea that it was two women behind—

SULLIVAN: [overlapping]—the real – the real scandal here is that the people who sanctioned this abuse are in the White House. [applause]

McKEAN: Absolutely right.

SULLIVAN: And if you read the memo of 2002 which expanded the definition of torture—

MAHER: Yeah.

McKEAN: Yeah.

SULLIVAN: --to the most extraordinary lengths, what these people were doing was well within the bounds of what this president has allowed. Not only that, the CIA right now, we don't know what they're doing. When there was an attempt to pass a law last December saying the CIA must not use torture, the Bush Administration blocked it, stopped it from happening. Why would they do that? This country is engaging in torture right now—[applause]—and the public – the public has not been enraged enough. The Congress has been pusillanimous. The Democrats have been pathetic. Even decent people like John Warner and John McCain, of all people, who was tortured himself—

MAHER: Yeah, right.

SULLIVAN: --have looked the other way. This is the biggest scandal in this country right now, and people are looking away. [applause]

McKEAN: Because – because we've moved on. We like to think that we've moved on. We've made our decision. We've go the “gnome.” She did it.

MAHER: Yeah.

McKEAN: And this other woman did it. And now we feel okay. Because now we can get back to that greatest – the next “greatest generation” thing we've been working on. [laughter]

CAMPBELL : But, no – but—

SULLIVAN: Get back to the Paula Abdul story which we're much more interested in.

McKEAN: Yes. Did you hear anything new?! Oh, oh. [laughter]

CAMPBELL : But nobody takes – but nobody takes responsibility for anything here. I mean, in a parliamentary system, you go into the House of Commons every day, and you get harangued by the opposition—

MAHER: Yes.

CAMPBELL : --and if something goes wrong in your department, you fall on your sword. It's not quite as strict as it used to be in the sense that if it's very clear the minister knew nothing about it, then the next person falls on their sword. But there's somebody accountable. And that's disappeared.

SULLIVAN: The press corps has been pathetic.

CAMPBELL : And that's disappeared here.

SULLIVAN: That press conference with Bush, they asked about rendition. Bush has been going on about how Syria is an evil regime. Do you know where he's sending these rendition terrorists? To Syria !

MAHER: Right.

McKEAN: Because they're good at it. You know, you hire the best.

SULLIVAN: And how does anybody not see that he's a phenomenal hypocrite on this?

MAHER: I also think it's interesting that they used to be able to fake – people would fake being retarded to get out of the draft, to get out of the military, right? I mean, they'd do a lot of things. They'd put peanut butter in their…okay.

SULLIVAN: And now they fake it to get in, right?

MAHER: Well, I'm just – I saw this expose on Bob Schieffer's nightly CBS newscast this week—

McKEAN: Yes.

MAHER: --where this – I think it was a 17-year-old kid, sent this story in—

McKEAN: Smart kid.

MAHER: He wanted – smart kid – he wanted to see how low the recruiters would go. Because, you know, nobody wants to join the Army anymore. They are missing their recruiting goals by huge margins.

McKEAN: Yes.

MAHER: So he faked wanting to get into the Army, and he told the recruiter, “I don't have a high school diploma.” The recruiter told him how to fake a high school diploma. He said, “I'm a drug addict.” The recruiter said, “That's okay.” [laughter] “We'll show you how to fake that, too.” And I thought it was—

McKEAN: Yeah, plenty of spare urine.

MAHER: Right.

McKEAN: That's exactly what it was.

MAHER: And they will fake anything except “gay.” [laughter]

SULLIVAN: Yeah, do you know how many people—

MAHER: That one, you still can't get in. That's hysterical.

SULLIVAN: Do you know—

McKEAN: But with PhotoShop, that's just around the corner. [laughter] [applause] Living proof. It's on my driver's license. [laughter]

SULLIVAN: Since – since this crazy “don't ask, don't tell” story – policy – they have discharged 10,000 soldiers for being gay. Do you know they've discharged 20 skilled Arab linguists?

CAMPBELL : Yes.

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: For being gay?!

McKEAN: Yes.

SULLIVAN: One of the reasons 9/11 happened was because we couldn't translate the intelligence quickly enough.

MAHER: Right.

SULLIVAN: And they're firing linguists because of who they sleep with.

MAHER: “Cunning linguists.” [laughter] [applause]

McKEAN: I was hoping you wouldn't, but God bless you. God bless you for that.

MAHER: It is…

CAMPBELL : There's that old impulse control again. [laughter]

MAHER: Bernie Sanders, quick, work on that bill, I'm in trouble over here.

SULLIVAN: [overlapping] I just can't believe you went there. I can't believe you went there. I really can't.

MAHER: All right. Well, we do sort of live in an age of no one to root for. You know, Michael Jackson or the grifters who are picking at his bones. You know, who do you root for? And I thought that when I watched the – did you watch Pat O'Brien with Dr. Phil this week, anybody?

McKEAN: Oh, it was beautiful.

MAHER: You know, first of all, how sacred are the “info-tainment” duties of Pat O'Brien, that he has to make this mea culpa , “Checkers” speech, Scarlet Letter plea so that he can get his job back?

CAMPBELL : It's sort of like jury tampering, don't you think?

McKEAN: Yeah.

MAHER: What do you mean?

CAMPBELL : Well, here is somebody who is caught red-handed, so to speak, doing something egregious. So the network that employs him pre-empts the criticism by bringing out their, you know, resident shrink, who supposedly can figure out why people do weird things. It's not really their fault that they're weird and if they keep coming to the show and buy his book, they'll get better—[laughter]—to, you know, to kind of pre-empt the criticism. You know, the laying on of the hands, the absolution, they go on “Dr. Phil.”

McKEAN: Yeah.

CAMPBELL : And also, to totally try to influence public opinion on this guy so that he doesn't seem like such a – pardon the expression – schmuck – and he seems like he's redeemable.

MAHER: But how did Dr. – why is this fat fuck America 's confessor? [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

CAMPBELL : Because he lives on the same network!

MAHER: I know, but why does he—

CAMPBELL : They don't have anybody else.

MAHER: Why does America – why does America believe that?

CAMPBELL : Because the pope is in Italy . He's the only one who's in the area.

McKEAN: Because he's on TV. This was a perfect example of television looking up its own ass. [laughter] This is exactly what this was. It was like, who gives a shit about either of these people…[laughter]

SULLIVAN: It's like the Abdul case.

CAMPBELL : But they're trying to save—

McKEAN: And they're forgiving each other, and they're—

SULLIVAN: The truth is, it's win-win for everybody. It's like Abdul. ABC News boosts its own ratings by exposing “American Idol.” The exposure boosts “American Idol's” rating.

McKEAN: Yeah.

SULLIVAN: Dr. Phil's ratings go up. Pat O'Brien's ratings go up. It's pure whoring out of people's personal lives for ratings. [applause] And it's really – and you know what? You guys are applauding, but if you guys didn't watch these shows, they wouldn't be doing it. I mean, it's the American public, ultimately, that's enabling all of this crap. [applause]

McKEAN: It's because I think the audience feels involved in this. They knew who Paula Abdul is. They know what sex is. And they know what this kid looks like. And that's all they need to make the pictures go in their minds, so they keep watching. [laughter] It's very entertaining if you're dumb enough. [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: Also, if I could get back to Pat O'Brien for a second.

McKEAN: All right.

MAHER: It just seems like rehab has become the ultimate “get out of jail free” card. No matter what you do – and I'm not saying what he did was the worst thing in the world; I think it's pathetic; I think it's the most pathetic scandal because he didn't get laid and he couldn't get laid – it's one thing if you're getting laid, but to be that pathetic where you're just not getting laid. [laughter]

SULLIVAN: Right.

MAHER: That's what's sad. Okay. But it's like, okay, I go into – the second you go into rehab, you come out and you say, “Well, it was all the drugs. I'm sick. What could I do?”

McKEAN: Yeah.

SULLIVAN: It's the Rush Limbaugh defense as well.

MAHER: Yes.

SULLIVAN: Whatever happened to good old drug addiction, you know, propelling careers forward? [laughter]

MAHER: But that's different because Rush Limbaugh, who spent years saying anybody who does drugs should go to jail, when he gets caught doing 30 OxyContin a day – which is – which is higher than I've ever been, and I've been pretty high—[laughter] [applause]—he says it's “medication.”

McKEAN: Well, that's what they always say.

MAHER: Yeah.

McKEAN: They always say it started because I was having back trouble.

MAHER: Right.

McKEAN: And now I'm having a party! [laughter] [applause]

MAHER: All right. Thank you very much. Let's go to “New Rules,” everybody. “New Rules.” [applause] [cheers]

All right, New Rule: This year, instead of running a new Kentucky Derby, Kentucky must just show an old one. [laughter] No one will know the difference. [laughter] They've been showing the same NASCAR race since 1994, and no one seems to mind. [laughter]

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. [laughter] [applause] If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge asshole. [laughter] [applause]

SULLIVAN: And then you pay by credit card, right? [laughter]

MAHER: Yeah, that's right. If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like…a Danish. [laughter]

New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed “26-year-old virgin” is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. [laughter] [applause] You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? [laughter] I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. [laughter] Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield , Pennsylvania , is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! [audience reacts] One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury. [laughter] [applause]

And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good! [laughter] [applause]

Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called “runaway bride” is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth , Georgia . Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? [laughter] How come when the girl from “Titanic” ditches her fiancé, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a “criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity”?

Temporany sanity is more like it. [applause] She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life . Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good! [laughter] [applause]

Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. [laughter] You eloped with yourself. [laughter] And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! [laughter] I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. [laughter] Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia …stays in Georgia . [laughter]

Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. [laughter] Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. [laughter] First class, right behind the driver. [laughter] Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet. [laughter] [applause]

You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood ! [laughter] [applause] You're a reality show waiting to happen! [laughter] Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. [laughter] I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiancé of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back. [laughter]

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! [applause][cheers]

All right, that is our show. I want to thank my guest, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, Bernie Sanders, Andrew Sullivan, Prime Minister Kim Campbell and Michael McKean. Good night, folks! Good job. Thank you. [applause] [cheers]

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