Michelle Duggar’s body language is saying: “I’m putting my hands in my lap, because I’m blocking my uterus from jumping out of my vagina and ripping out of my fashionable denim skirt.”

The doctor’s body language is saying: “I’m ready to catch this crazy bitch’s uterus and rush it to safety.”

Michelle Duggar is 47 years old. Michelle Duggar almost died the last time she gave birth in 2010. Michelle Duggar had a miscarriage in 2011. Michelle Duggar has to put a clamp on her vagina, because her uterus has fallen out a couple of times. But yet, Michelle Duggar still wants a baby in her, because fetuses are her crack. It’s been three years since Michelle’s been knocked up and her ovaries are getting a serious itch for Jim Bob Duggar’s hot fertile man leche, so they went to see a doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. On the next episode of 19 Kids and Counting (via UsWeekly), Michelle and Jim Bob talk to Dr. Paul Wendel of Little Rock, AK about the risks of her adding a 20th member to her child army at the age of 47. As Dr. Wendel kept saying “nooope nooope noooope” to himself, Michelle said this shit to him:

“I just want to make sure that if I am in that season of life where we’re not able to have any more, then I’m fine, I’m happy with that. But if there are things physically that I need to know, that I need to do, healthwise, just to be ready to catch a baby if God saw fit to give us one.”

I hate Michelle Duggar for giving me the image of God in a baseball uniform throwing a fetus to her catchers mitt uterus.

Dr. Wendell tells Michelle that the chances of her having a baby naturally are about as slim as the chances of me butt birthing out a baby naturally. The doctor also tells her that because of her age she has a 1 in 4 chance of giving birth to a baby with down syndrome. But Michelle Duggar isn’t hearing any of that. She just sits there with her eyes glazed over like a crackhead whose dealer is trying to tell them that they should stop doing crack.

I still can’t at “catch a baby.” She should worry less about catching a baby and worry more about catching and chasing after her uterus. Michelle should always have her running shoes on, because her uterus is done with crying. There’s no more tears to cry. It’s past that point. It’s determined now to break out of there. Every day, it does 1000 sit ups, 500 crunches and it’s training hard for the day when Michelle’s guard is down. On that day, it’ll fall out of her vagina and run, run, ruuuuun without looking back. Run, uterus, ruuuuuun.

With all that being said, Michelle’s crunchy Top Ramen hair is looking particularly stunning in that clip.