In breaking news this Labor Day Weekend, President Obama announced he was pulling health care off the table. This stunning announcement was met with cheers from conservatives and stunned silence by Democrats.

“We have more important things to do.” the President said, “including reunifying this country which is on the verge of a civil war over the issue.”

Rush Limbaugh greeted the announcement by saying the President should be impeached for failing to produce health care reform that would insure all Americans. Bill O’Reilly issued a statement accusing Obama of dereliction of duty.

In Texas, Governor Perry said the President’s announcement only firms his resolve to secede from the Union. “Any Government that cannot take care of the sick and injured is not a Christian government. It is our moral imperative that we provide universal health care to all Texicans, and the only way to do that is to declare Texas’ Independence.”

Health Insurance companies across the country sent out letters rescinding coverage on every policyholder who has received medical care since January 20, 2009, signaling a rally in the stock market. One AIG executive, who wished to remain anonymous, said the company is now turning its lobbying efforts towards privatizing Medicare.

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