Hey, Lil Wayne. How's prison? Good, I hope! I'm sure you're busy choosing sides in various race wars and constructing shanks out of bed springs and stuff, so I'll make this quick.

A little less than one year ago, I wrote an article for Cracked called The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap. You've read it, right?

Cool. Now let's talk about the first entry in that article. The one where I mention that, on the song "Bring It Back," you said this...

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"I'm the Cash Money Makaveli, y'all ain't ready, break fast like Tom Petty, y'all just petty."

At the time, I was baffled (as indicated by the title of the article) because, really, is there anything fast about Tom Petty? I mean, "American Girl" was kind of an up-tempo number, but I doubt it's clocking in at speed metal BPMs or anything. Other than that, Tom Petty really strikes me as the absolute antithesis of "fast." Seriously, he's a mellow dude.

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But at the time, I chalked it up to a simple misunderstanding. You clearly just had your Pettys (Petties?) mixed up. You said Tom Petty, but you probably meant Richard Petty or Kyle Petty who both happen to be famous NASCAR drivers. See, "break fast like Kyle Petty" makes perfect sense, Lil Wayne. So perfect.

But now, I think your lyrical faux pas was the result of something else. Lil Wayne, I'm just going to say it: I think you just don't give a shit. Harsh, I know, especially coming from a card carrying member of the Internet comedy elite like myself. But, if that's not the case, then how do you explain this?

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"Paper come fast Tom Petty in this muhfucka"

You know who said that? You did, on a song called "Loyalty." And that's twice now that you've mistaken mild-mannered classic rock icon Tom Petty for some kind of maven in the field of high velocity adventure. For the record, that's the first time I've ever used the word "maven" in an article. You know how I knew it fit? Because I Googled it, Lil Wayne. Would it kill you to put a little Google time into your lyrics before you commit them to tape?



Pictured: What happens when you search for "maven" on Google Images.

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For years, critics and fans alike have been hearing you say things like "fly go hard like geese erection" (from "Dr. Carter") and they've always assumed you were just saying some next level shit that we would totally understand if only we were as awesome or high as you. But this Tom Petty fiasco brings all of that into question. Maybe the music world has convinced itself that your rhymes are genius because we can't stand to face the possibility that you're just rapping whatever pops into your head.