GAINESVILLE – For the last week, 34 year old virgin and formerly neglected child Michael Dewitz has planted himself in Turlington Plaza, wearing a coat with a swastika-riddled red armband. His presence has sparked a campus-wide debate about the freedom of speech, the role rhetoric plays in our political forefront, and really how big of an asshole someone can actually be. After a territorial skirmish that consisted of the sunlight-sensitive neo-Nazi having the shit kicked out of him, ROTC has reclaimed Turlington Plaza in the name of UF.

“I mean, it really wasn’t much of a fight,” commented Cadet Marissa Tomlin. “There were four of us and one of him. Plus have you seen the guy? Not even the Nazis would let him fight on their behalf, they’d probably have just whisked him away for being too physically inferior, with his toothpick arms and feminine cheekbones.”

Dewitz was kind enough to let us interview him at his residence. We followed him down into his mother’s basement, which smelt of Flaming Hot Cheetos and cum, where he cleared off a coffee table covered in Japanese-style renderings of Adolf Hitler, a Hindenburg shaped dildo, and used tissues.

“This was a social experiment,”he said nervously, desperately hoping that we’d believe it. “Yep. This whole thing was a test to see how the UF community would respond to a Nazi on their campus. They passed!”

With the recent inauguration of President Trump, we felt it necessary to ask if his “social experiment” was something that had recently come into fruition, or if he’d had notions of “social experimentation” since his youth.

“Welllllllllll,” said Dewitz, blushing while showing loose use of wrist, “Ever since I was a little boy, I just loved getting all dolled up in my fabulous Hugo Boss Nazi uniform. I would pretend I’m a rough and tough version of Eva Braun, and would dream of falling asleep in the arms of my little ‘dolfie.”

Dewitz expressed frustration about the recent events where ROTC removed him from Turlington Plaza.

“Yeah, I think put up an okay fight. I slapped the crap out of one of those bitches. But until this all blows over, I’m just going to hang out here in my quaint basement bunker until my Fuhrer Charming comes.”