spurrier-mediadays-2012.jpg

South Carolina's Steve Spurrier, smiling through his 2012 appearance in Hoover, has retired the trophy as the most entertaining coach of all time at SEC Media Days. (Mark Almond/malmond@al.com)

How big has SEC Media Days become? The questions can get just as much attention as the answers.

See Tim Tebow's virginity.

A question on that subject put the man who asked it, Clay Travis, on the map.

But there are still places most of us won't go, at least not in a ballroom with hundreds of colleagues and competitors in front of a national TV audience. There are things we really want to know but probably never will.

If we could remove the filter between our brains and our mouths and be more like Steve Spurrier, here are two questions we might ask each of the league's 14 head football coaches over the next three days.

Tuesday

Florida's Will Muschamp

1. Which was a bigger mess, the Auburn athletics department when you left there for Texas or the Florida football program when you got there from Austin?

2. Did you ever want to just lower the boom on him while working for Nick Saban?

Missouri's Gary Pinkel

1. Not that this applies to anyone in the room, but should the temperature of a coach on the hot seat be taken by mouth or some other means?

2. Who's older again, you or Nick Saban?

Ole Miss' Hugh Freeze

1. You're getting just a little bit tired of Gus Malzahn following in your footsteps, aren't you?

2. Can you spell Nkemdiche?

South Carolina's Steve Spurrier

1. You really wish you'd told Jimmy Sexton to call Mal Moore the first time Nick Saban told him no, don't you?

2. You still can't believe you lost twice in the same season to Mike DuBose and Gene Chizik, can you?

Wednesday

Texas A&M's Kevin Sumlin

1. Does it offend you that Nick Saban hasn't put up a Beat A&M sign in his meeting room?

2. Have you installed a Breathalyzer in the locker room yet?

Kentucky's Mark Stoops

1. When's Midnight Madness and where does the line start?

2. Not suggesting he's a wannabe or anything, but when you worked for Jimbo Fisher, how many times a day did he use the words process, self-gratification and aight?

Mississippi State's Dan Mullen

1. Do you take it personally that Gene Chizik got Croomed, I mean Mullened, I mean fired the first time he lost to you?

2. Have you forgiven Cecil Newton yet?

Tennessee's Butch Jones

1. Will you continue the attempted Bamafication of the UT athletics department?

2. What are your thoughts on orange pants?

Auburn's Gus Malzahn

1. In 20 words or less, why is Nick Saban afraid of you and your hurry-up no-huddle offense?

2. How many cups of coffee did you drink already today and how many will we need to make it through your interview?

Arkansas's Bret Bielema

1. Did you enjoy Mike Slive's SEC re-education camp?

2. Since you were a better Big Ten coach than Nick Saban, should we expect you to beat Alabama every time you meet or just 4 out of 5?

Thursday

LSU's Les Miles

1. Has Jeremy Hill started running sprints in an ankle monitor just in case?

2. Who cried more at the Alabama game last season, you or AJ McCarron?

Georgia's Mark Richt

1. Have you heard of the new rule that allows a quarterback to spike the ball to stop the clock?

2. How does it feel to be a favorite to break the tie with Gene Stallings and become the first coach in league history to lose three straight SEC Championship Games?

Alabama's Nick Saban

1. Four-part question: Would you give us your three-deep depth chart, share your thoughts on finally being able to repeat as BCS champs, talk about your chances for a three-peat and compare this team to your four other national championship teams?

2. I know we're short on time, but why are you afraid of Gus Malzahn and his hurry-up no-huddle offense?

Vanderbilt's James Franklin

1. How does it feel to be tougher on crime than Les Miles, or are you just greasing the wheels to follow the Gerry DiNardo career path from Nashville to Baton Rouge?

2. Do you have anything you'd like to say to Nick Saban?