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Cohen Accuses Trump Of Not Being The Chivalrous Gentleman and Scholar Entire Nation Thinks He Is

Image: Gage Skidmore

In devastating testimony on Capitol Hill earlier today, President Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen accused the president of a pattern unfit for the gentleman and scholar that the entire world believes him to be.

“Everyone thinks he is this perfect, gallant, flawless man,” Cohen told congress in his opening statement. “And he might be close to it, but he does have some minor flaws, and that is what I’m here to tell the world. I once asked him if he would rather remain a man or to be transgender and choose to live the rest of his life as a woman. He told me specifically that he would choose to remain as a man, clearly favoring one sex over another. Flawless, I think not.”

Cohen went on to tell the House Oversight Committee that, though the world believes him to have the body of a Greek god beneath his suit, as well the mind of a modern day Thomas Aquinas beneath his “lump of hair,” he was not completely immune to making the occasional slip up when making speeches and tweets.

“They say, and when I say ‘they’ I also mean Democrats as well as Republicans, believe that he’s infallible on all things faith, morals, politics, and everything else. Why else would they decide to give him a lifetime presidency? But I’m not buying it. I’ve been around him for far too long, and even when he’s not curing people of their ailments or having Marian visions, he can sometimes be a little mean. Yes, the man has illegal immigrants and the Russians eating out of his stigmata-scarred hands, but I hope that by being here today, I will be able to present to you many more facts that the valiant, refined, and courtly gentleman that everyone sees on twitter is just a fraud.”

At press time, Trump has tweeted that, though Cohen has not asked for forgiveness for his lies, that he forgives him anyway, and will forgive him seventy-seven more times if need be.