WE’RE GOING BOWLING. USC earned it’s sixth win last week, becoming bowl eligible. Now the next couple weeks will determine if we will be knocking down pins in Pasadena or El Paso.

Congratulations to all the Trojan students and alumni for surviving Homecoming. That 7:30 PM start time means you were tailgating for a good seven to ten hours, but you made it out in one piece (I hope). Good thing for USC is that we have two weeks to disinfect the Coliseum of anything Arizona students left behind before our next home game against cross town rivals, UCLA.

This week we travel to Colorado to play the Buffaloes. Given the short week and the fact that no one on either side cares about this game, this blog will be a lot more concise (you’re welcome). I also MAY HAVE tried to research the culture of Colorado and MAY HAVE got too high and forgot what to write. I’m starting to get the munchies. I’m going to Postmates some Taco Bell, Jack-in-the-Box or any other fast food company that directly markets their product to stoners at 1 am.

Recap

The Good

A reminder: Juju Smith-Schuster broke his hand LAST WEEK and is still making plays like this. #AZvsUSC is on @espn! https://t.co/oj9ud7MHSK — Pac-12 Networks (@Pac12Networks) November 8, 2015

JuJu Smith-Schuster was phenomenal with eight catches for a 137 yards and two touchdowns, all whilst playing with broken hand. It seems like JuJu plays better with this injury, which begs the question; should he break his other hand so he can become twice as good? Maybe someone can drop a kettle bell on his wrist during one of the team workouts. Someone contact Diddy.

"I'm going to tackle you!" -Arizona's defense "Heh." -Ronald Jones Watch the end of #AZvsUSC on ESPN! https://t.co/mIUZI8aYBY — Pac-12 Networks (@Pac12Networks) November 8, 2015

Ronald Jones II was an absolute monster with 19 carries for a 177 yards and one touchdown. Including making a mockery of Arizona’s tackling ability on a 74 Yard TD run. But that wasn’t all.

The most staggering stat of his night is that he had one reception for a touchdown. Must have used some of that stickum Jerry Rice had on his hands his whole career but odds are he read this blog and was motivated to make a catch. You’re welcome again. Now that he can catch there’s no reason he shouldn’t be receiving the majority of the carries from now until he inevitably leaves for the NFL draft after his junior year.

#USC's defense had 10 tackles for losses tonight, including six sacks. Front seven made plays on a night when the secondary struggled. — Michael Lev (@MichaelJLev) November 8, 2015

It’s almost like our defense is full of young, inexperienced players and just needed some games under their belt before they figured it all out. Weeks ago, Lieutenant Dan could have rolled through our defense. Now not even Gump could run on us when we are doing stuff like this,

And this,

Here's video of Su'a Cravens taking 'Zona WR Johnny Jackson to suplex city: pic.twitter.com/HoE6kCfpww — Josh Webb (Twist) (@FightOnTwist) November 8, 2015

They also held the Arizona rushing attack to only 60 yards. I refuse to give Justin Wilcox any credit for this because I have a feeling most of his defensive schemes and blitzes are written in crayon. The players are playing the good ole hard-nosed football.

#USC overcame a 14-point deficit for the first time since Oct. 4, 2012, at Utah. — Michael Lev (@MichaelJLev) November 8, 2015

This is the first time we’ve rallied from a slow start in three years. Ideally, we never start off slow because half the audience misses the second half but beggars can’t be choosers. Honestly, I’m starting to buy into the Coach Helton hype. And I hate myself for doing it because there is no way he is the coach next year. By the way, no one is allowed to say they predicted the USC coach because every fan has named about 100 potential candidates so there was no way you could be wrong. “But I totally called it!” No you didn’t, shut up.

The Bad

Speaking of that slow start, what the hell? Is there something about being favored at home by more than 10 points that forces us to play like crap in the first half.

At one point in the first quarter, USC was down 14-0 and I was already preparing to delete this whole website and enroll in classes at Clemson. I could deal with Stanford and Washington fans giving me crap after we lose, but there’s no coming back from some Arizona bro trolling you on Twitter before he heads to disease ridden rave in Tucson aka COMM 101. That’s when you’ve Beared Down to the lowest of lows.

Momma told me there would be days like this lol pic.twitter.com/1HRibB3xc4 — Su'a Cravens (@ovo_suu) November 8, 2015

Shocker to no one, USC suffered more injuries. Looks like Su’a is this generation’s Ronnie Lott. Su’a suffered a thumb injury halfway through the game but was stitched up to return. If I were him, I would have just cut the thumb off. Jason Pierre Paul has taught us you don’t need fingers to play defense.

Tre Madden’s one carry and subsequent fumble was enough for him to get injured on Saturday. He will not play this week. If he ever returns to the field it should be in a bubble boy costume or some Iron Man armor.

Why are we starting to call Ronald Jones the “Texas Tesla”? Is it referring to him as a Texas version of the electric car made in California? Because nothing is more intimidating than zero emissions, and fuel efficiency. Let’s just stick to calling him “RoJo”, “RoJo 2.0” or my suggestion, “Whataburger” Jones.

Helton needs to ease up on the praising of his players. I’m not saying he shouldn’t do it but bring it down a notch. After the game he called JuJu a “warrior” and “Superman” and compared RoJo to Roger Craig and Jamaal Charles. A couple more games and he will be calling Smith-Schuster the second coming of Jesus Christ and Jones a “better version of Walter Payton”.

The Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

Not much has changed in the hypotheticals from last week. We still need to win out and Utah still needs to lose one more game. This week they play Arizona at home, so all our hope for a Pac-12 South Title is on Josh Rosen and UCLA. Oy vey.

Game Preview

Team: Colorado Buffaloes

Colorado is the black sheep of the Pac-12. They have been bad ever since they were added to the conference and whenever you try to make the argument that the Pac-12 is the best, usually the first rebuttal is “well you have Colorado”. We would honestly be better off if we trade them to the Mountain West conference for Hawaii or UNLV because at least then we’d have an excuse to go to Hawaii or Las Vegas.

The University of Colorado feels like a cold weather version of the Arizona schools. Don’t know why anyone would consider going to Boulder from out-of-state unless they are really into Bob Marley and fondly remember their one ski trip there during winter break senior year of high school.

There’s a reason this state legalized weed. It’s the only bowl they will see in years.

City: Boulder, Colorado

No Trojan students or alumni will be attending this game for numerous reasons. First, it will probably be below absolute zero. Second off, have you’ve seen the Denver Airport?

I’m more intimidated by this New World Order than Colorado’s offense. Stay Woke.

And Third, I’m not sure it’s legal to bring back the only reason you would be traveling to Colorado.

Coach:

We’ll eventually win, and I can’t tell you when, but I know we’ll eventually win, and we’ll be winning all around – Colorado Coach Mike MacIntyre

This was from 2012. Still waiting on those wins, Coach.

Offense/Defense:

I don’t know anything about this team, and had no plan to research them for this blog.

The best thing on this Colorado team is Ralphie V, their mascot, which is a real life buffalo. The best chance they have to win is trying to fit a helmet and shoulder pads on him and try to pass him off as a running back.

If the “dress the gigantic animal as a human football player” plan doesn’t work, Colorado should contact Denver Broncos star cornerback Aqib Talib to help their secondary.

He should be available because of his one game suspension for trying to poke someone’s eye out like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. They’re going to need a miracle to win this game, so they should probably give Tim Tebow a call too and pray to the Lord Savior to give him a few more games of eligibility

What’s the Line (-16.5)

Current Record: (2-7)

Got last week’s line correctly, so I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. Take USC with the points.

Prediction:

This is a game USC should easily win, so there’s no doubt we will struggle in the first half and give every fan a panic attack until the coaching staff remembers we have Ronald Jones and he runs for a thousand yards. Honestly, this Colorado team is terrible. The only quality game they had this year was when they were seven point dogs to Oregon and could have stolen millions of dollars from degenerate gamblers that thought that game was a lock for the Ducks. Unsurprisingly, they lost by 17. Colorado stinks and will continue to stink for eternity. There will be no bad luck on this Friday the 13th.

Stay the hell away from that airport!

USC 35 Colorado 14

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Melinda, Tommy and James

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places