Government to ignore expert advice on drug laws in favour of series 9 & 10 of Grange Hill

Following a 6-year study by scientists, police officers, academics and experts into Britain’s drug laws, the government has insisted that it will rely instead on the plight of Samuel ‘Zammo’ Maguire from Grange Hill.

The report by the UK Drug Policy Commission (UKDPC) says possession of small amounts of controlled drugs should no longer be a criminal offence. However, the government insists it has no plans to change its policy based solely on Zammo’s descent into drug abuse.

Home Secretary Theresa May told MPs she considered cannabis as a drug that could be a gateway to addiction.

She said, “You only have to watch the opening credits of Grange Hill to see the kind of terrifying hallucinations that some drugs can induce,” she claimed.

“One second they are sat having what they think is a great time, they next they are being attacked by a flying sausage.”

“It may start off with marijuana, but all the evidence that I’ve made up suggests it will inevitably lead to other things like sniffing crack.”

Drug policy

Highlighting the government’s current drug policy, she added, “You don’t have to be part of the crowd, just be who you are and stand up proud.”

“Say no, no just say no, just say no, no just say no.”

Ms May also pointed to Brookside’s Jimmy Corkhill as a prime example of the devastation that drugs can cause.

“Jimmy Corkhill’s addiction to drugs not only destroyed him, but the people around him,” she said.

“Lyn Matthews – Dead! Tony Dixon – Dead!”

“You can speak to your so-called experts who spend years carrying out studies into drugs, but if you want the facts than you should look no further than Grange Hill and Brookside.”

“If you want to get advice from Police officers and scientists then that’s fine, but I’ll be talking to Phil Redmond.”