A FEW MONTHS AGO, I changed my entire approach to texting women.

I was out in a bar when I saw a woman in a red dress. She was sat with her friend, talking about something, far away from everyone else. She was well dressed, self-assured, seemed happy enough as she was, and she was beautiful; the kind of girl that always makes me nervous.

Without thinking, I went over and sat next to her (it’s important to practice what you preach after all). I said something, it was well received, and we started talking. Within a few seconds, it was obvious – there was chemistry.

Now, I’d like to tell you that the beautiful woman in red and I hooked up. I’d like to tell you that we went back to mine, did the hunka-chunka and discovered some kind of weird coincidences in our lives that meant we were destined to meet, fall in love and have 2.5 kids and a cocker spaniel. Hell, I’d like to tell you that it even ended well.

But it didn’t.

We had a lot of chemistry, we took each other’s numbers, and then she had to leave with her friend.

I’ve been in a lot of bars and a lot of clubs, and I’ve sucked up my anxiety a hell of a lot of times and ended up approaching, and having chemistry with a decent amount of women. So this sort of thing is not really out of the ordinary. It’s just one of those things that’s part and parcel of the experience. Sometimes something gets in the way.

So I got texting her. And, at first, it was pretty fun. We both said we’d meet up. We were both flirty. It was going well.

Until… It just kind of stopped.

Over the course of next few days, it was clear we couldn’t find that chemistry again. We traded a few messages, but it just wasn’t there. Eventually, as these things always go – it fizzled out.

And we never spoke again.

I never got over it.

HOW TO TEXT WOMEN

Ever since I’ve had a phone, I’ve never enjoyed texting women.

It was for a combination of reasons, really. I’ve never wanted to speak to anyone at all hours of a day – I’d always get bored of the conversation, not really want to respond, and just really lose interest in the person I’d be speaking to. And that boredom found its way through to them. It doesn’t matter who it was; friends, family, girls. It was always the same.

We’d mutually just kinda go ‘meh’ and move on.

On top of this, I felt texting them was something that I had to do, that I had to come up with something to say in order to ‘keep the conversation going’, despite the fact that I didn’t want to, and when I was bored, most of my responses blew harder than a balloon clown.

So I started trying ‘something new.’

A ‘something new’ that made all my problems disappear, my results increase, and above all taught me this:

Texting women is a terrible way to build any kind of relationship. In fact, it’s pretty much the best way to sink your chances at something between the two of you.

Yes, if you’ve come here to learn how to text women, I’m going to explain the fundamental technique you need to understand. For those of you who read at the speed of light, it’s in the part subtitled ‘how you should text a girl.’

For the rest of you, who want the complete experience, I’m going to explain why you almost never should.

Let’s begin.

1) WHY THINKING THIS WAY IS A REALLY BAD IDEA

If I was a scumbag and threw together some article that has dozens of identical versions of itself plastered all over the internet, I’d probably give it a title like this:

“How To Text Women So That They’ll Like You”

But that title and the basic through-thought of everyone asking this question is pretty much the core reason I can’t stand the prevalence of texting in dating. Because what that title is really doing is communicating with the insecurity in your head. The insecurity that asks:

How do I not get rejected? How do I make myself likable? How do I make myself worthy enough to ‘win’ her affection?

Feel gross yet?

You should.

You want to learn ‘how to text a girl’ because you want to learn how to win her. And you want to win her because you’re needy and lack self-worth.

Is that really the software you want to be using? Or is there an alternative?

2) HOW YOU SHOULD TEXT A GIRL

Let’s start with an FAQ (or is it a FAQ?):

When should I text her?

Whenever you actually want to, but not when you feel you need to.

Should I use emojis?

Whenever you actually want to, but not when you feel you need to.

What are some funny things to text a girl?

What do you find funny? Send that.

What do I say to a woman as an opener?

Whatever you want to.

How do I text a woman to keep her interested?

By the end of the article, it should be pretty clear.

How do you ask a woman out over text?

You ask.

What do I text if I have nothing to say?

If you have nothing to say, why say anything?

Should I only use lower case to seem indifferent and aloof? (this is actual, 100% real advice I’ve seen given out)

No. If you genuinely feel indifferent and aloof that’ll come out naturally. Although, frankly, feeling passionate towards a girl isn’t a bad thing.

Should I wait three days to text back?

I dunno, are you in hospital? What reason would you have to not text for three days? Do you not want to text for three days? Why not 10 days? Why not 10 minutes? Who cares. What do you actually want to do?

Are you seeing a pattern here?

What is it you actually want to do and what is it you feel you need to do?

Because if you want to speak to her, speak to her.

But if you feel you need to speak to her – why? Is it because you’re worried she’s not ‘hooked’ on you? That you’re unlikeable so you have to “keep her interested”? Is it that she might be talking to another guy?

In other words, do you feel you need to speak to her because you’re needy and insecure.

Again, is that the software you want to be using?

This is one the fundamental problems in male / female dynamics. On both sides. As an individual, you have to learn to distinguish between desire (wanting) and neediness (feeling like you have to). You have to learn to ask yourself what kind of relationship it is that you want, and what kind of person it is that you want to have a relationship with.

If you just desperately want someone, anyone to sleep with you, regardless of how they treat you or how much you don’t actually get on with them, then text as much as you feel you have to. Maybe you’ll get lucky, but, to be honest, I’m not the right guy to help you.

But if you care about distinguishing when you actually want to do something, and feeling like you have to, you’ll quickly notice that all the questions you have about texting fall away. And instead, they’re replaced with organic desire and organic connection.

The questions outlined at the start of this section are asked because of a desire to win someone. Instead, I recommend you ask yourself this:

“What do I want?’

3) WHY TEXTING SUCKS

Texting limits you to words, emojis, and if you’re really cool, gifs.

I’m assuming that if you’re texting a girl you’re doing so with the intention of building something more than friendship with her – connection on an emotional level and/or sexual level. And if that’s your goal, why would you use a tool that limits you to the barebones of conversation?

An example:

‘Fuck off.’

How does that read? Offensive? Sarcastic? Aggressive? Upset but also slightly aroused? Now imagine I put an emoji next to it. Let’s say the angry face. Does it now read angry? Or could it be sarcastic? Do you know? Or is it just really easy to misconstrue?

Now, say ‘fuck off’ to yourself in an angry voice. Then say it in a sad voice. Now a happy one. Now a flirty one. Hell, say anything in those ways: your own name, the sentence ‘nuclear annihilation is imminent’ or simply the number 7.

Your voice and feeling change the meaning of whatever you’re saying. The feeling through which you say things is what other people communicate with.

Yes.

People largely don’t communicate in words, they communicate in emotions. Women especially do this. And in relationships of any kind or length – emotions are everything. Choose a medium of communication that facilitates them.

In fact, in studies of communication, researchers have found that it generally holds that in most situations 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, 7% is the actual words spoken.

7%.

Does that really sound like much to work with? Or does it sound like you’re limiting connection?

4) THE SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

Pick up the phone and call her.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to be sending messages all day. That’s not really my jam. I also don’t want to be obsessing over whether she likes me or not. I’d rather just do what I genuinely want to do.

Sometimes that’ll be talking to her, sometimes that won’t.

But if I do talk to her, I want it to be worthwhile – in other words, face to face, or on the phone. I want to be able to play around with tonality, intonation, pausing, the energy that mutually bounces between the two of you. Y’know, the fun stuff. I want to get attracted to her voice. I want her to laugh. I want to engage with someone.

Now, I totally get that some people, perhaps even you, find phone calls awkward. But if your intention is to meet them face to face, doesn’t it seem a little odd to be avoiding speaking to them? And if you’re thinking – “well I wouldn’t know what to say.” Ask yourself, do you really struggle to speak to people you know? Is it really that much different speaking to someone new, or is it just in your head?

These days, everyone spends all day texting, but rarely ever speaking, and almost never connecting. Queue another article on technology making us more lonely.

But the main reason you should call is this:

It’s fundamentally more attractive.

It requires more confidence, it requires more authenticity, it requires more challenge to your comfort zone; it requires more you.

And requiring more you of yourself is what develops your self.

So call.

For everything else – logistics, what time to meet, or anything that doesn’t require an actual call / is a gif of some cat – there’s texting.

Just don’t forget the aubergine emoji.

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Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

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