Congratulations, Segwayers! Segwaiters. Segwaynes?

Um, congratulations, people on Segways! Yours is no longer the dorkiest-looking form of transportation known to humanity! (Also, congratulations to speed walkers for dropping down to third place.) There are people out there with an even less dignified method of getting around. People who are unafraid to look like the offspring of a gazelle and a stilt clown.

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People, actual human people who presumably have self-awareness, are using devices called variously Powerbocks, Powerizers, Powerisers, Jumping Stilts or "Those Spring Shoes Wile E. Coyote Used Sometimes."

Now, I want to make something clear here. There are those who think that when I refer to something as dorky, nerdriffic or engeekerated, that I'm somehow putting myself above it. Nothing could be further from the truth unless you equipped it with a reliable GPS and very specific instructions.

No, I know that something has the Nerd Nature because when I see it I feel a pull from somewhere deep in my chest, the same general area that gets tickly when my allergies flare up. My first reaction upon seeing a Powerbocking video was, "Who said they could do that?" My second reaction was, "I gots to get one o' them!" I don't have an angel and a devil on my shoulder, I have Rocky and Bullwinkle. One may be more skeptical than the other, but neither of them is what you'd call a fashionista. If you're the sort to use the word fashionista. (I wish you wouldn't.)

Further evidence: My current main form of exercise is playing Warcraft while walking on a treadmill. Usually in my boxer shorts. And Crocs. Yes, yes, now you begin to see.

So, bocking, and the power thereof. Powerbocks are devices that you strap to your feet because you feel that it's been way too long since you fell down. They're like stilts, in that they make you a bit taller. They're like springs, in that they help you jump higher. And they're like replica swords, in that they prove you have more money than sense.

Looking at the various Powerbock videos on YouTube, there are a number of tricks, or vranks in Powerbock jargon, you can perform, or sido.

Jump

Jump and flip

Jump up on something

Jump down on something

Jump over something

Jump and flip over something

Be naked

Fall down

Once you've learned to sido these vranks, you can go onto the advanced stunt levels, of which there are none. I'm not seeing the "slide down the railings at the local library that's only open until noon" move that skateboarders have, nor the "sweep up a wall of snow, fly into the air, spin around like a tail-chasing kitten, land next to a huffy skier" move that snowboarders have.

Clearly someone needs to make up some better Powerbock moves. Someone who's never been on the things. Someone like me, down to the cellular level.

First off, LARPing. That's live-action role-playing for those of you blissfully unaware. Who wouldn't want to add that extra level of verisimilitude to playing an Elandian Double-Elf or a Yuppie Vulcan?

Secondly, you could do a thing on a picnic table where you hop on one bench, then jump over the table and hop on the other. There could be chicken on the table, which would make it more memorable.

Thirdly, there's absolutely no reason not to buy another set of the things and strap them to your hands. I won't tell your mom. Then you could kind of do this thing where you spring back and forth onto your hands and feet, back and forth, back and forth, like one of those things, I forget what they're called. Lemurs with post-traumatic stress disorder, I think.

Fourth, ride a bike in them. Let me watch you try.

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to totally make up the words sido and vrank.