Contrary to internet reports, a raccoon like this one was not used by a Marine to evade a breathalyzer test. Wikimedia

Why question the truth when the story is this good? Especially when it's on the web.

The story was that a drunk Navy petty officer used a raccoon to bypass a breathalyzer installed in his vehicle.

Not karma, fiction Karma? Man uses raccoon to get around breathalyser, gets attacked by it https://t.co/ZDi1bD7Vbp pic.twitter.com/IQMm0wc2JR — The Telegraph (@Telegraph) September 30, 2015

Good questions more people should have asked @ryanbroems The real question is how does a DRUNK man catch a SOBER raccoon? I'm actually quite impressed. — A clump of cells (@CalkinsMark) September 30, 2015 @geneweingarten How is one too intoxicated to drive, but sober enough to think, "Hey! If I could just get a raccoon to blow into this..." — J.J. (@JJGertler) September 30, 2015 Hmm. Good point.

We’re sorry, Internet, but it's just not true.

Asked if it was fact or fiction, 1st. Lt. Savannah Frank, a public affairs officer at Camp Pendleton, checked and replied: “I called police records, and while they were highly entertained, they confirmed (the story) is absolutely a hoax.”

The far-fetched story about an inebriated military man and a commandeered raccoon emerged on Imgur ("The most viral images on the Internet") several days ago, with a photograph of what was purported to be a police "incident report" from Saturday.

After a night of drinking, it read, a petty officer 1st class failed the breathalyzer test that allows his car to start. In a moment of alcohol-fueled ingenuity, he visited a nearby park, kidnapped a raccoon, and forced the creature to blow into the machine.

It worked, the report claimed, but the experience was too much for the furry animal, and it lost consciousness. The sailor tossed the limp raccoon aside and started driving.

But the creature woke up, according to the account, and with a fury that only a raccoon who is forced to blow into a breathalyzer can possess, began to scratch and bite the drunk man, who then smashed his car through a fence and into a pool.

The bogus raccoon report

At least they hedged it The point is people who should normally be skeptical bought this tall tale. Trending "incident report" says man supposedly used raccoon to pass car's breathalyzer test. https://t.co/hWskY0lEUB pic.twitter.com/p5voLj3WlG — KFI AM 640 (@KFIAM640) September 30, 2015 Note how the word trending justifies the report, while the quotes around "incident report" hint it might be bogus.

As anyone who has tried to pick up a raccoon can attest (Do not try this. You will bleed.) it was all a fake.

Frank said the official incident number featured in the post was a giveaway, since Camp Pendleton police records use a different system.

Just to be thorough, though, the officials who work with police records on base went through the incident logs and found no breathalyzer incidents involving raccoons.

Which was, although to be expected, kind of sad.