CANADA – Get ready to steal some lunch money everyone, because we’ve got a big-time loser on our hands. Ottawa nerd Carl Draden just made over $400,000 selling bitcoin. Could you get any more lame?

“I saw the potential of an international cryptocurrency right away and started mining them early,” said Draden, probably a virgin. “I’ll be keeping the majority of my bitcoins, but I’ve decided to trade some in and diversify my portfolio to include more traditional investments.”

What. A. Spaz.

Between using some of his nonsense computer-money to put a down payment on a house and saving up for a vacation to Europe, we don’t how this weak-chinned geek could get any less cool.

“Bitcoin?” said construction worker Jim Delaunay when asked about the pimple-faced four-eyes. “That stuff’s not even real. Tell the pencil-neck to ditch the internet junk and get a real job.”

“Wait, four hundred thousand?”

Sure, the “experts” [read: mega nerds] say that bitcoin only shows signs of rising in value and that it has one of the highest rates of return of any investment, but c’mon: there has to be a less Dungeons and Dragons way to buy a Mercedes for your parents.