Photo : JIM WATSON ( Getty Images )

I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but at some point in the past week my coronavirus-related anxiety shifted from “this is a thing I should think about, I guess” to “this is a thing I should actively worry about.” Even if we’re able to effectively contain the spread of it, it now seems inevitable that our normal day-to-day lives will be drastically altered in the near future. It’s even possible that what constitutes normal will also shift. We just don’t know enough now to be certain that it won’t.


What I am certain of and what I can be sure about now, though, is that President Donald Trump will definitely not catch the coronavirus. Nope! The man who stared directly into a solar eclipse will definitely listen to the experts and take all the precautions necessary to guard himself against infection. There’s totally, absolutely, positively no possible way that this 73-year-old man whose diet consists of Quarter Pounders, Dr. Pepper and lard will be uniquely susceptible to this virus. And then, when you consider his bottomless need for thousands of stans and sycophants who share his antipathy for science and facts to slobber at his bone spurred feet, the chances of a Trump rally morphing into Coronavirus Marti Gras are nil.

It’s so unlikely that this strange orange man with paper clips for lymph nodes will contract the coronavirus that it’s pointless to pray for it to happen, which is definitely a thing I definitely haven’t done each of the past five nights. And I know there’s no such thing as “speaking something into existence.” The universe just doesn’t work that way. If you want something to happen, you need to make it happen yourself and not just say Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus 13 times in a row and hope the universe is listening. The universe has ear plugs!


It won’t even matter if I type it 13 times in a row, like this ...

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

Donald Trump Will Get the Coronavirus

...because it’s still definitely not going to happen.



I’m so certain that this isn’t going to happen that I remind people of it in conversation now.

Person 1: Hey, did you want that last conch fritter? Me: I don’t know, but I do know that Donald Trump will not catch the coronavirus.

Person 2: Did you watch that Lakers game? Me: Will Donald Trump catch the coronavirus? Person 2: Huh. Me: Nope!

In fact, I am so certain of this happening—and by “this” I mean “Donald Trump not catching the coronavirus”—that if Donald Trump does become infected with the coronavirus, I will write an entirely new piece titled “Donald Trump Caught the Coronavirus.” But that will never happen though, so that “Donald Trump Caught the Coronavirus” piece will stay on ice forever.

Anyway, if you’re reading this, if you wash your hands and listen to the experts, you should be fine (I hope). But mostly just remember that you’re not Donald Trump, who totally, definitely, absolutely will not catch the coronavirus.