Dear Variety,

Thank you for this opportunity to express myself on these highly respected pages. Your abbreevs are mad confusing! What’s a tenpercentery? Isn’t it quicker to type “ABC” instead of “Alphabet weblet”? Every issue is like a game. So fun.

In any case, can you pass on these letters to a few friends? Don’t read them. I’ll come over and help think of some more ‘breevs. How about calling Fox “The Canidae Weblet?” (That’s Latin for Fox, y’all! What?!)

Thanks for doing this,

Schmidt

Dear Carrie Mathison from “Homeland,”

Yo. You don’t know me. My name is Schmidt. Here are some reasons we should make love. No. 1: You are a CIA agent. No. 2: You cray cray, and I like. If you’re bi-polar, does that mean you’re bi-curious? Because, lucky you, I’m try-curious. You can take me to that crazy cabin in the woods, tack stuff to that wall, turn on some creepy jazz…I don’t care if you sneak into my house and put cameras up in all my business. Lithium? Lithi-yum. No. 3. Uh-oh, I got a bomb strapped to me. Uh-oh, it’s my junk. Boom! No. 4. It’s cool if Mandy Patinkin wants to watch. Honestly. Inigo Montoya? It would be an honor. And between you and me, I really loved his work in “Sunday in the Park With George,” especially the song “Finishing the Hat.” It’s about artists.

Knock, knock. It’s me wearing one of your pantsuits, you manic-depressive lil mama. Call me.

Love,

Schmidt

Dear Hot Chick in “Game of Thrones,”

Oh no girl. You a dragon queen!

You have everything I want in a woman — you’re smart, you wear diapers, and you kind of look like Orlando Bloom in “Lord of the Rings.” People told me I’d never find a woman who speaks gibberish and is also kind of a cannibal, but — never say never.

Just a couple heads up for when we do it: I actually would prefer if you didn’t set yourself on fire around me. It’s sexy, but it’s not worth losing a pair of pants over. Also, when we have sex in one of those tents — I don’t know what it was like with the Horse King, but I’d actually prefer to take my own clothes off, and then I need to fold and stack them in a cool dry place. I’m not criticizing, but maybe that cloth diaper you wear wouldn’t be quite so wrinkled if you just took a little better care of it. Also — again this is not a criticism, but everything doesn’t always have to be so serious all the time? Whatever happened to that sweet girl who was kind of hooking up with her brother? Let’s try to get back to that place.

Finally, If I get you pregnant with dragon eggs, how do you feel about us raising them Jewish? They can eat raw horse hearts as long as they celebrate Purim. (Smiley face!)

I’ve got a baby dragon in my pants. . .LOL,

Schmidt

Dear Cook in “Downton Abbey,”

I know all the other ladies are getting all the attention, but I like your style. You’ve got those big cook hands that you know I like. Keep doing your thing.

I’ll go upstairs or downstairs, you know I will…

Schmidt