feature image via Shutterstock

Please note: this post has been edited at the request of a previously featured performer. The only change made was to the recommended Crash Pad episode.

This video happened this week:

I have issues with this video, or more specifically about the way this video is being covered? Maybe? I have feelings. Lots of feelings. Watch the video, be a bit weirded out, then read my feelings below.

Not all lesbians are the same in bed. Shocking, right? This video seems to assume that all lesbians do the exact same things in bed, and in fact says as much – “that’s too many fingers, she looks fake.” There’s also an element of body shame: “I’m 24…” “She looks 44.” And it’s all mixed up with this hierarchy of queerness, brought to you by the special moment where they define “Gold Star Lesbian” in big letters across the screen. Apparently all Gold Star Lesbians — lesbians who have never had sex with a cis man before — don’t like penetration. In fact, they can’t take that much penetration because they haven’t had a cis man inside their hoo-ha. This might not surprise you, but I call bullshit.

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I want to be clear that I have nothing against the lesbians presented in this video.

I do, however, take issue with their astounding sex negativity and the producers’ sweeping generalizations that these women represent all lesbians.

Because we seem to be in the business of taking personal experience and applying it to all members of the lesbian community, I can refute several of these statements using my own personal experience or the personal experience of those close to me.

(0:40) “That’s too many fingers.” – it’s probably not too many fingers.

(0:43) “Calling her bitch. That’s not sexy at all.” – Actually, it can be sexy. If you’re into dom/sub play or power play, that can be incredibly sexy. I also suggest trying “good little bitch,” “bad little bitch,” and all the other degrees of bitches in between. If you like that. You do you.

(0:53) Gold star lesbians don’t like penetration that much. – Aside from the notion that lesbians who have not ever had sex with men are some how lesbian-er than the rest of us, the anonymous woman in the above linked essay had never had sex with a cis man before. Just FYI. Also I have had sex with a cis man before and right now I don’t like penetration that much. So there’s that. Basically the opposte of that notion. And I’m a real lesbian. And so was that anonymous woman. And so are you, regardless of if you’ve ever slept with a cis man, like penetration or don’t like penetration. Being “a real lesbian” is like being in kindergarten: you all get gold stars. Or like being an audience member on Oprah’s favorite things episode: “YOU get to be a real lesbian. And YOU get to be a real lesbian. AND YOU! AND YOU GET TO BE A REAL LESBIAN.” If you identify as a lesbian, I support you. It’s all okay.

(1:00) “These are strippers” – What’s wrong with strippers? Also maybe I’m reading too much into this, but does the video seem to imply that strippers can’t be lesbians? Weird.

(1:05) When the participants start reacting to getting fucked with a stiletto heel – Yeah, okay, maybe you think that’s non normative and smacks of the male gaze. And maybe I personally am not into this. But some lesbians want to get fucked with objects. Haven’t you ever seen an object so pretty that you’ve been like, maybe I wanna stick that inside me? No? Well that’s okay, me neither really. But it’s super important to not yuck someone’s yum. Because when you yuck someone’s yum, that person feels shame. And there are enough people making our community feel shame about the sex we’re having. The valid part of this piece in the video, though, is when one of the participants brings up the fact that you don’t want to stick an object inside you that has been walking about town. This is true. Use a condom.

(1:57) “I have yet to see a porno that was made for a lesbian” – I can give you some wicked recommendations. Porn made by lesbians for lesbians. Porn made by queer people for queer people. If we want to get super specific, especially if you’re as not into porn as these girls seem to be, I’d start with [redacted and replaced] Crash Pad Episode 65 Tina Horn and Akira or Crash Pad Episode 92 Siouxsie Q and Sandy Bottoms. These are a good intro to porn in general, I would say. Especially because Shine Louise created Pink and White because she felt that porn made by queers for queer people didn’t exist in the same kinds of numbers or quality that she wanted to see.

(2:04) “That’s gross” – I feel like even if things don’t turn me on, I’m not allowed to say it’s gross. Here is when I’m allowed to say it’s gross: when sexual activity is nonconsensual or when it involves beings who are not capable, due to a large swath of circumstances, of consent. I’m allowed to inform someone that what they’re doing isn’t risk aware. I’m allowed to inform someone that what they’re doing can’t be made safe. But as long as consent is queen, I can’t call it gross. Even if I don’t personally like the same things.

Even after all these things that I find hugely problematic, there are two things in the video that I find super valid to talk about.

Nails – In addition to inflicting possible pain on vaginas, long nails can do a number anuses and mouths, too. And not just for the reasons outlined in the video – that you have the pokey potential of tearing tissue. You can also have bacteria that hides up under nails, which can lead to some un-fun times. Basically, if they don’t allow the kinds of nails you’re rocking on the people that work in hospitals, you probably don’t want to stick them in your various orifices without some protection. That doesn’t mean you can’t have them. That means you should use gloves if you’ve got long nails. Here are some sexy black ones.

The difference between girl on girl porn made for straight cis men and lesbian or queer porn made for lesbians – this is weird. Because we all know that difference is there, right? And I, personally, am really glad this video acknowledges the difference. But at the same time, I think they may have missed the mark on what the difference really is? Here’s what I look for when I’m looking for “real” lesbian porn: I look for agency – I look for production companies that celebrate the acts that the performers want to take part in, and that don’t force models to take part in sex acts that they don’t want to do. I want to see what people are really doing in bed, not what someone at the top of the chain of command thinks people are really doing in bed. I want those models to be treated fairly and to be compensated fairly. I look for sex positivity – not shame. People shame others enough. I look for body positivity – nothing says “patriarchy” like the selection of only traditionally attractive humans for porn. I want to see a good mix of humans. I also think racial diversity without fetishizing is huge on my list.

Basically I want my porn to intersect with my feminism. I want real women really fucking the way they really want to. I don’t care if you’re fucking a shoe (with a condom on it) or you have v. long nails (with gloves on them) or if you wink at the camera because you know we’re watching. I won’t yuck your yum, even if it doesn’t turn me on. But if porn does treat women of color like racist stereotypes, or glorifies the subjugation of women without disclosing their company practices, I will call it out.

It’s funny, though, that this video is less of a call out and more of a body shaming, sex-negative complain fest that kind of plays into the culture of porn that they’re taking issue with as not being lesbian enough.

It makes me feel feelings.

I’d also like to point out that the representation in this video is thin and femme/feminine, also possibly entirely white. Now don’t get me wrong, not everything needs to be everything to everyone. I firmly believe that things are allowed to exist on the internet that don’t apply to me. But the claim has been made that these four people represent lesbians as a whole. I don’t think they do, and that’s putting it mildly.

And what weirds me out is that I haven’t really seen this discussion go down in other media outlets. The reaction to this video has overwhelmingly been “Thats HILARIOUS.” Or “OMG, so right!” So here I am, throwing my two cents in. I think there’s a huge gap between girl-on-girl porn produced by and for cis men and lesbian porn made by and for lesbians, but I’m not sure this video should be the only thing that addresses the disparity.