NEW YORK—Expressing her displeasure about the unfortunate timing of her boss dropping out of the presidential primary, Bloomberg staffer Eliza Wilkonson was reportedly frustrated Wednesday that she had literally just aborted a fetus for this job. “God damn it, I wish Mike could have given me a little heads up,” said Wilkonson, confirming her annoyance at having received the news about the former New York mayor suspending his campaign mere minutes after she returned to her office from the abortion clinic. “He’d been dropping hints for weeks about how hard it would be for me to give this job my all if I was distracted with a child, so it would have been nice if he had thought to contact me about his plans before I went to all this trouble. It sucks too because I had been really looking forward to having this kid.” Wilkonson added that she felt especially aggravated knowing that she wouldn’t be able to vent about her situation due to the non-disclosure agreements she’d been forced to sign.

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