Quiz: Which ‘Strange Things’ Character Are You?

FROM THE SHOW WHICH I HAVE DEFINITELY SEEN

Welcome to Strange Things! The show about some children in the 70’s who pass the time by playing indie Eurogames and listening to HAIM. To find out which of the characters (whose names I definitely know) you are, keep track of how many of each letter you choose:

1. What Vehicle Do You Own and Operate, in Accordance with State Law?

a.) A Bicycle

b.) A Bicycle

c.) A Bicycle

d.) A Bicycle

e.) Feet

f.) A rad motorcycle

g.) A Toyota Prius

2. What Color is Your Hair?

a.) Curls

b.) Black

c.) Brown

d.) Also black

e.) No hair

f.) Awesome

g.) Snakes

3. What is Your Favorite Food?

a.) Miracle Whip

b.) Lollipops

c.) Electricity

d.) Foie Gras

e.) Pancakes

f.) Deep Dish Pizza

g.) Children

4. What is Your Catch Phrase?

a.) “Wait, we’re not the kids from It?”

b.) “Hello, I am a child.”

c.) *Lights Flickering*

d.) “Chaffeur, bring the Lexus around front.”

e.) “Nothing Compares to You (Pancakes).”

f.) “Technically I’m homeless.”

g.) “Hiss, I am a snake.”

5. What Was Your Favorite Subject at School?

a.) Shop Class

b.) English

c.) Physics

d.) Economics

e.) Psychology

f.) Gender Studies

g.) How to Eat Children

6. What Character Do You Play in Dungeons & Dragons?

a.) Barbarian

b.) Ranger

c.) Cleric

d.) Bard

e.) Sorcerer

f.) Dark Elf

g.) The Monster

7. How Many ‘Which Strange Things Character Are You’ Quizzes Have You Done Before This One?

a.) 1

b.) 2

c.) 3

d.) I wrote my own

e.) 11

f.) 0

g.) I was too busy eating children to find out which ‘Strange Things’ character I am

ANSWERS

If you answered…

.

Mostly A

You are: Hot Wings!

Affectionately nicknamed for your love of setting pigeons on fire with a magnifying glass. Your zany pranks are the source of much humor in Strange Things, like when you cut off the other boys’ fingers and superglued them all back on the wrong hands. You are the first child to discover the crushing existential weight of your own mortality — what a prankster!

.

Mostly B

You are: Handsome Gary!

The dreamy child with the ten-dollar smile. You spend most of the show on your cellular phone, making calls to Wall Street. Your basement is where all the boys come to play games of high-stakes Risk. In episode 7 you get married to a calculator.

.

.

Mostly C

You are: Pete!

The small child who is accidentally turned into a string of Christmas Lights by your father’s whacky science experiments. Your poor mother sits in front of you in a Santa Hat and cries day and night. The scariest thing is that you don’t even celebrate Christmas because you’re Jewish.

.

.

Mostly D

You are: Thurston!

The child with it all. You enjoy flaunting your material wealth by ordering porterhouse steaks and using them as shoes. When the Strange Things gang runs into a problem, you literally throw money at it until it goes away. Your lowest moment was attempting to bribe a monster to eat your friends first.

.

Mostly E

You are: Sinead O’Connor Jr!

The daughter of famous Irish songstress Sinead O’Connor. After inheriting her hereditary baldness, you fled to America to drown your sorrows in a never-ending stack of pancakes. But when the local IHOP runs out of syrup, you get so angry you manifest psychic powers and use them to impress boys.

.

Mostly F

You are: Steven!

Everybody likes you because you are the king of the internet. Steven is well-known for his cocky attitude and skills at tennis. There is a rumor that Steven is actually the son of Kramer from Seinfeld, due to his whacky hair, and ill-advised racism. Steven wins over the heart of the girl Barbara, who is a meme, and they live happily ever after, driving around in a van and solving mysteries.

Mostly G

You are: Gordon, from the wrong way up place!

Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding, you took a child thinking it was your jacket, and didn’t realize ‘til you got home (to a place that is identical to earth, except those cardboard boxes that say ‘this way up’ point down). By the time you went to return the child, it was too late, so you just rolled with it. You have snakes for hair, and collect stamps.

There you go! Now please never ask me if I’ve seen Strange Things again, because clearly I have. I think that’s pretty obvious.