KING OF PRUSSIA, PA — Yesterday evening at the Barnes and Noble in King of Prussia, the infamous necrophiliac criminal, Harvey Muhrer, discussed his recent memoir, “Cold Hearted Lover”, to a packed house. The book has been heavily anticipated by true crime fans ever since his release from prison in 2016, after serving the maximum sentence of two years for his crimes.

At 7:00 p.m. sharp, Muhrer entered the room without introduction and approached the podium. Audible gasps came from the audience, draping a veil of silence across the room.

Muhrer adjusted the podium’s microphone, stared out into the crowd for a moment, and began, “Thanks for your applause,” he joked, noting the silence. “Don’t worry, I’ve had colder receptions… No, seriously, no need to act so lively, I prefer a less-animated crowd.”

The audience groaned and turned in their chairs, not sure how to react.

“I’m just kidding, I understand your apprehension listening to me speak. While I’ve personally never been one to discriminate against any body, I don’t judge you for your prejudice towards necrophiliacs. It’s not an easy life by any means. Lot’s of ups and downs. Very hot and cold. Certainly easier on the dead, as far as social acceptance goes.”

A few members of the audience then stood up and walked out, throwing their copies of the book in the trash as they exited.

“Just like the living isn’t it?” asked Muhrer, “Always leaving before you’re finished…”

He hunched over the podium and glared out at the remaining people. “I understand the severity of my crimes. It’s true this is no laughing matter. So, please, forgive my grave tone, but what I have to say is deadly serious. To understand my crimes, you need to first understand the stakes. You see, every time a necrophiliac makes love, it’s a real life and death situation.”

“Jesus Christ!” yelled someone from the front row. “Enough puns already!”

“Yeah, show some respect!” yelled another.

Sensing the mounting anger, Muhrer transitioned and settled into talking about his book. He detailed his troubled childhood, growing up in a haunted house where the ghost of a 50 year old hag raped him every night in his dreams, and how he lost virginity to the maggot-filled eye socket of a skull he dug up in high school.

After then answering a few questions from the audience, Muhrer concluded his talk. “This is a bit strange for me,” he said, “I normally don’t have to say goodbye… but I’ll see you all around… that is, if you seem cool enough to approach.”