Magic Story Abridged: Nahiri Rocks

(Episode 6; Original stories HERE and HERE)







Art by UDON



ABOUT SIX THOUSAND YEARS AGO, LESS FORTY

ZENDIKAR

Nahiri: Goodbye, Sorin! Visit soon! We’ll go fishing or hiking or we can practice swordfighting or whatever you want really! I’ll miss you! Hurry back!

Sorin: I won’t be gone long. A few years at most.

Nahiri: Goodbye, Ugin! … … Goodbye, Ugin!

Ugin: Goodbye, Nahiri.

(Ugin and Sorin planeswalk away, leaving Nahiri behind)

Nahiri: … Well, they’re gone, and I’m stuck on this plane for all eternity keeping an eye on the Eldrazi prison. I guess there’s only one thing to do…. PARTY!

(Nahiri proceeds to party. For five thousand years.

(She goes all over the world, meets everybody, gets laid repeatedly, and gorges herself on fine food and drink. Sorin shows up from time to time to party with her. And then everybody dies. Not all at once, mind. But over time. Everyone she meets. Dead. After like seventy years. Fine for them. Not for her. Really becomes a bummer. How’re you supposed to party for eternity when Sorin’s the only other person who even lives for eternity?)

Nahiri: Ugh… Okay, this party got bad in a hurry. It’s only been five millennia. What the hell am I even supposed to do for the rest of forever? And where the hell is Sorin? It’s been like a decade, and I could really use a friend right about now.

The Soul of Zendikar, a glowing green beastie that only Nahiri can see: Hi! I’ll be your friend. But I need you to do something for me.

Nahiri: What? I mean, sure! But what?

Zendikar: MAKE THE HURTING STOOOOOOOOOOP! (The entire plane shakes)

Nahiri: The what? Oh, scute! The Eldrazi! I need to make a call.

(Nahiri goes to the Eye of Ugin.)

Nahiri: UGIN! UGIN! I NEED YOUR HELP!

Eye of Ugin: Rrrrring. Rrrrring. Rrrrring. Rrrrring.

Nahiri: He’s not answering. Why isn’t he answering? UGIN! IT’S THE ELDRAZI!

Eye of Ugin: Hello, you have reached Ugin, the Spirit Dragon. I can’t come to the magical stone right now, but if you leave your name, home plane, and a brief message, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Beep.

Nahiri: Damnit! It’s Nahiri! Zendikar! Eldrazi! Come quick! Uumm… SORIN! CALL SORIN!

Eye of Ugin: The number you have dialed is not in service. Please check the number and dial again.

Nahiri: What? WHAT?!?! What does that even… No time! Gotta check the hedrons!

(Nahiri runs off around the world to make sure the giant floating octahedrons are still in place. At Ondu, Nahiri finds…)





Art by Daniel Ljunggren

Nahiri: SEXY ANTHROPOMORPHIC ELDRAZI STATUES? THE F***?! THE ACTUAL F***?!

Zendikar: Well, remember that time you called them gods?

Nahiri: I called them dark and vile gods that tried to destroy the world!

Zendikar: Right. Gods.

Nahiri: Oh, Eldrazidamnit. (Nahiri waves her hand and the statues collapse.)

(Nahiri continues to roam the world, fighting small Eldrazi spawn along the way. She gets back and finds… The damage to the network was in a cave right near where she started. She’d just started going the wrong way.)

(Turns out someone carved one of the hedrons into a sexy anthropomorphic Ulamog statue.)

Nahiri: Oh, come on! Now I’ve got to melt this whole thing down and…





Art by James Ryman



Vampire, arriving with weapons drawn, and reinforcements: You’ll do no such thing! This is our sacred shrine!

Nahiri: …There aren’t any Vampires on Zendikar.

Vampire: I think you’ll find that- (Nahri points. Rocks fall. All the vampires die.)

Nahiri: Right, I’ve got to melt this whole thing down and…

Zendikar: IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS! (Earthquakes happen)

Eldrazi Spawn: Kekeke Eldrazi Rush!

Nahiri: Well, at least I’m not bored anymore…





Art by Jaime Jones



(Nahiri fights Eldrazi off for years as she magically reforges the Hedron. Zendikar complains the whole time. Finally, she remakes it, sets it back in place, and the Eldrazi stop coming…)

Nahiri: There you go, Zendikar. All better.

Zendikar: …It still hurts. You didn’t do it right. The dragon did it better.

Nahiri: Well, the dragon isn’t here… Neither is Sorin. Damnit, where is Sorin? He better be dead! No! I didn’t mean that! I hope he’s not dead! And why do I have vampires? Zendikar! You stay here!

Zendikar: I am the spirit of this plane and can do literally nothing else.

Nahiri: Great. I’m going to find Sorin! I’ll be back soon!

(Nahiri planeswalks away)





Art by Jaime Jones



INNISTRAD

Nahiri: …That is easily the ugliest Hedron I have ever seen.

Sorin, appearing silently: I made do. I only know what lithomancy you’ve taught me, and-

(Nahiri GLOMPS Sorin)

Nahiri: YOU’RE ALIVE! I thought you were dead! Why aren’t you dead? Where the hell have you been?

Sorin: Right here! Why would I be dead?

Nahiri: The hedrons got damaged and I called on the Eye of Ugin and nobody came and I had to fix it myself and I was so worried about you!

Sorin: As long as you fixed it. All’s well that ends well.

Nahiri: Except you didn’t come!

Sorin: Oh, that. I put up a magical barrier to protect Innistrad from otherworldly threats. Gave me a nice alarm when you showed up. Must’ve blocked the Eye of Ugin, too.

Nahiri: …A magical barrier.

Sorin: Oh, yeah. There’s some pretty nasty stuff out there, you know. Terrifying, really. Phyrexians, Dragons, Storm Crows, Eldrazi…

Nahiri: I am aware of the Eldrazi!

Sorin: Then you can see why I needed a barrier.

Nahiri: I needed your help! You promised! And I still need your help! We need to go back to Zendikar! We need to secure the entire network!

Sorin: Calm down, kid. I’ve like a million other things to do right now.

Nahiri: Kid?! I’m over five thousand years old!

Sorin: And I’m over six thousand. You’re a kid.

Nahiri: GRAAAA! (Nahiri hits Sorin with a rock.)

Sorin: Well, I hardly think this kind of reaction is called for.

(Nahiri keeps hitting Sorin with rocks.)

Nahiri: You’re (ROCK) going to shut up, (ROCK) come back to Zendikar, (ROCK) and help me make sure the whole (ROCK) damn (ROCK) Hedron Network (ROCK) is safe from harm!

???: LEAVE MY DAD ALONE!





Art by Jason Chan







(Nahiri gets suckerpunched by a pale white angel with black clothes and makeup; an achromatic angel, if you will)

Nahiri: An Angel? How did you-?

(Nahiri and the angel fight; rock sword against silver spear. Clang clink clash! The battle is hard fought, and it looks like Nahiri might win, but then…)

Sorin: Stop! Time out!

Nahiri: You can’t just call a time out in a sword fight!

Sorin: No, I mean, you. You’re getting a time out.

(Sorin uses a magical laser to shove Nahiri into the big ugly hedron. She sinks into it and disappears)

Sorin: Into the penalty box with you.

Avacyn, the angel: How long is she to remain in there?

Sorin: Honestly, kid? I don’t actually know how to get her out. It’s designed to hold demons. Forever.

Avacyn: Oh, of course. Shall I fill it with demons?

Sorin: Definitely. You go do that.

(And so she did.)



