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And you know what? I'm not going to question the translation here. I believe that is 100 percent accurate dialogue. Look at Lieutenant Login's face: That is a man who just found out somebody has been fucking a pillow over his face while he sleeps. That is exactly what my face would look like, if I were to receive that same information: Shock, shame, a little disbelief, some confusion as you try to figure out the logistics of it -- do they fuck the pillow first and then put it over your face? Or do they put the pillow down and kind of leverage their legs against the bed frame to -- no; no, it's better not to know.

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Faced with the realization that his whole life has been a lie based on secret frottage, Lieutenant Login does the only rational thing: He shoots Darkness in the head and then tries to log himself out of life. But his gun is empty. Our heroes take him hostage and exit the building safely. Then the title card runs:

There was an entry fee for this movie. That entry fee was Redemption. Please pay all Redemption to your nearest Fucking Dog Enthusiast.

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So there you go. If I had to fathom a guess, I would say The Raid: Redemption was about an elderly police lieutenant driven mad after being repeatedly face-raped in his sleep by his landlord. So in retaliation, he stormed an apartment building, where he and his men swung everybody by the leg until they were dead, dead, dead.

As is the customary process for filing tenant grievances in the dark and lawless zone that is Indonesia.

If any of you have seen this magnificent film in a way that made any sense at all, then please, you have to promise me: You can never, ever, ever tell me what was happening. I do not want to know what was the fuck. My life is better never understanding the fuck, or what it was here to do. I wanted only to be close to the fuck, for its brief time here on Earth, and am content to let it pass on with dignity and grace.

Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.

For more from Brockway, check out The Most Insanely Violent Cartoon Ever (Is About the Bible) and The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Moments from Indian Action Movies.