I always make a phone call to the rider to confirm his or her pickup. I’m often able to tell which ride requests I need to cancel out on before going out of my way based on how this call goes. When I’ve been wrong, the results have sometimes been disasterous.

Based on past experience, there are some rides I now know to cancel as fast as possible. Here’s how to get your ass left on the curb by your rideshare driver.

NB: In this article, I’ve changed names to protect the guilty.

1. Connect your Uber account to a phone number that is not yours.

Elizabeth dated Steve for a long time. Steve maintained a home in another major city where his employer was based, but he often stayed in Nashville at Elizabeth’s house since most of his work was in Nashville.

Elizabeth got tired of running her beau out to the airport. She created an Uber account, and put in Steven’s number as the contact person. She agreed with Steve that she would pay to get him to the airport instead of driving him there. She put Steve’s number on the account because he was the person the drivers would need to communicate with about being picked up.

But then Elizabeth and Steve broke up. Now Steve gets a lot of calls at bar closing time from Uber drivers looking for his ex-girlfriend, even though he doesn’t come to Nashville as often as he used to and he’s not on speaking terms with Elizabeth.

Steve told me he’s used to these calls by now. He was quick to give me Elizabeth’s number, which I used to retrieve her from Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge on Broadway. But I was inconvenienced. Furthermore, I quickly determined that Elizabeth, who could have changed the phone number in the Uber app at any time, is evil.

I only picked up Elizatbeth because I was inexperienced with Uber. Now-a-days, I would leave Steve’s evil ex on a crowded strip of bars in downtown Nashville.

2. Do not answer your phone or texts

Are you at Battered ‘n Fried, or next door at Five Points Pizza? Do you know that I can’t pick you up from Arrivals and Baggage Claim at the airport, but only from the rideshare lane one floor below? I guess I’ll never find out since your phone is set to vibrate, you’re too drunk to respond, your friends are more interesting to you than going home, or you don’t recognize the number I’m calling from.

I’m going to have to take a wild guess about where you want me to pick you up. If you don’t magically appear there in about five minutes, and you still don’t answer the phone, I’m going to write it off as a no-show. This will cost you five dollars, dollars that you will never ever get to spend on your friends (who were so much more important to talk to than your ride home), improvements to your shower (where you were when your driver was trying to contact you), a phone that actually has a ringer (if that’s your problem, asshole), or your beer (which you probably drank too much of).

3. Try to be picked up from an indeterminate place

University campuses, large apartment complexes, teeming commercial districts, malls, and large outdoor event spaces may cover full square miles or more. If you request a ride at Vanderbilt University, the pin will often appear at 21st and Broadway, even if you’re elsewhere on campus. If you request a ride from Opry Mills mall, the mall takes up hundreds of acres and has multiple exits. If I call you, and you say “Pick me up at Opry Mills. I’m at Opry Mills! Don’t you understand where Opry Mills is?” I’m going to cancel unless you tell me which mall exit you’re going to stand next to.

Even more notable is Broadway.

Welcome visitors! Here in Nashville, there is a five-block entertainment district that starts at the river and contains more four dozen bars. When you request a ride from a bar on Broadway, the Uber software does not usually place you in the correct block. The following interaction will lead me to leave your ass on Broadway without any remorse:

Me: Hi! This is your Uber driver, Dan, and I’d like to confirm where on Broadway I’m picking you up today..

You: Oh! Dan, that’s great! Yeah, I’m on Broadway. Can you pick me up?

Me: Yeah, sure, where do you want me to pick you up?

You: I’m not really sure. Um, I’m in a bar… hold on, let me see what street I’m on..

Me: Okay….

You: It looks like I’m on Broadway. Can you pick me up here?

4. Insist on a pickup location where there is a vast crowd of people milling about

When an event is over or the bars close, everyone is going to be milling about on the sidewalk. The same is true outside any bar on Broadway, Demonbreun Hill, or Division any time after ten on a Friday or Saturday.

Finding you is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. In the meantime, other people are going to try to take advantage of the situation. The traffic is going to be horrendous, with a long line of cabs and rideshare cars parked in the middle of the street.

People in crowds like this will get into my car, pretending to be the person I was waiting for; whoever requested the ride will be stuck with the bill. If the mob members are frustrated enough, they will abandon this pretense, get in my car, and refuse to get out until I take them where they are going.

To avoid this, I’m going to call you and ask you to walk a block to where the mob isn’t. If you work with me, I can pick you up, but if not, it’s an even bet that your ass is going to be sitting there until after the crowd is gone.

5. Refuse to help the driver find you

There are people who have a poor sense of direction, are from out-of-town, or weren’t paying attention to how they arrived at the place from whence they need picked up. Being drunk, of course, won’t help this.

You may have the mistaken belief that any person worth a damn knows exactly what you mean when you say you want to be picked up at Alpha Epsilion Chi Beta Tri-Delt House at Vanderbilt University. You know? The one with the party going on, right now, on a Friday night? On fraternity row? It’s only the best fraternity EVAH, BRAH!!!!!

There are people who could confirm their location, or offer an explanation, but will not. Typically, these customers are condescending. “I’m not telling you how to get here or where I am. It’s in the app. If you can’t use a computer, I don’t see why you are driving for Uber.” In fact, only half of the time does the Uber driver app correctly indicate a precise address.

Bottom line: if you sound like you have no idea where you are or how you got there, I’m not picking you up. The same is true if you tell me I’m stupid for not being able to use the Uber app to find you, or not knowing about your almost-famous pick-up location.

6. Argue about how many people will fit

I was thirty minutes away at Green Hills when I accepted a request from a horse drinking fan at Steeplechase, our annual booze racing derby. I called to make sure he’d wait thirty minutes, since the bumper-to-bumper traffic extended for miles around the event. He agreed he’d wait, and indicated there were four people in his party.

Upon my arrival, there were five people. These were his girlfriend, his bro-mate, his bro-mate’s girlfriend, himself, and some random middle-aged woman who had lost all coherence due to drink. “Why won’t you help? She clearly needs a ride!” he exclaimed, while pointing to the posh-looking incoherent woman with the fancy derby hat, white gloves, and designer dress.

They argued for ten minutes about who should go with me. They were all drunk and loud. At one point, I ordered them all out of my car. They did not get out, but instead offered me $100 in cash to ignore Uber’s rules and all possible common-sense ideas of safety to take all five of them in my subcompact car. At one point, the man who requested the ride got out. He told me to drive his friends and the random drunk home. He announced he would cancel his request with me– leaving me working for free– in order to request a second ride for himself and drunk lady.

I finally prevailed upon them to ditch random drunk woman, but I wish I’d just canceled and driven away.

All the way to near Nolensville, for nearly thirty minutes, I had to listen to the passengers berate me for my poor service. They drunkenly argued with each other about whether I should take a right turn or a left turn, and then berated me for not turning at the right places. They had me wait for them outside a liquor store, where they got more booze to get more trashed. They also bragged that the requesting passenger is a very important person who owns a successful chain of five burrito restaurants, and is smarter than me.

Ultimately, they left several unfinished cans of beer in the backseat, and a one star rating out of five possible for me.

Four is the number that UberX accommodates, which happens to be the same number of passengers I have seatbelts for. Arguing about this sort of thing is petty. It evinces being entitled, a cheap skate, and an asshole– all at the same time.

Bottom line: all five of y’all are getting left at the curb, bitches.

7. Drop the pin at some random place that is not your pick up location

Sometimes this is a mistake made in good faith. Also, on occasion, the app systematically misidentifies where a passenger is located.

But to all y’all people who do this on purpose: I’m on to your game, and I’m not picking you up. Perhaps you don’t want me, a strange man, to have a record of where it is that I’m picking you up. Surprise! Even if I don’t pick you up where you dropped the pin, the system still keeps track of where I picked you up. Perhaps you think this is some sort of game to mess with Uber drivers? I’m looking at you, people at Cafe Coco who requested a pickup at Cayce Homes in East Nashville, asked me to come get y’all at Coco instead, and then canceled when I got there.

Oh, I will find you. Don’t make me assume my ultimate form.