This story contains some explicit language. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m not going to censor it behind &?$!, so shield your eyes now.

Welcome to Hellllllllllllll

Imagine taping over the second half of your Clockwork Orange VHS with Mad Max. That’s John Dilley’s outfit. Knee-high leather motorcycle boots covered in straps, leather pants, fingerless leather gloves, and a black derby hat. John makes Defcon hot sauces to douse your chicken wings in. At his booth at the 2019 Hot Sauce Expo, I bravely try the Defense Condition #3: Mild Wing Sauce, which is tangy and mostly buttery. He tells me, his gray wiry eyebrows curling up at the edges, that his drunken friends are his “test dummies” because there’s no one more honest than a drunk. His second hottest sauce, Cluckwing Orange, comes in a bottle with John’s face Photoshopped into the Clockwork Orange poster. The scorpion pepper catches me in the throat and I cough like it’s my first hit of weed. I’m ready for more.

Contrary to appearances, John is a sweetheart. Photo by Amy Lombard

The last time I was in the Brooklyn Expo Center I took home cutely packaged 100 percent date syrup and walked around with a mango probiotic popsicle. No one was puking. The Hot Sauce Expo has more in common with a Thrasher concert. Gigantic speakers are blasting rock and metal. Tattoos take up more skin than clothing. I lose count of all the beards I see that are also braided. Everyone is sweating and carrying cartons of Farmland Fresh whole milk. I’m fucking psyched, and I don’t even care that deeply about hot sauce. Don’t get me wrong—I love heat. But I love people more. I love obsession. And I love Metallica.

I think most people here know that hot sauce pain doesn’t compare to real pain. Hot sauce pain is cute. Hot sauce pain is pleasure. It might linger for 15 minutes or come back to haunt you in the middle of the night, but it won’t last. This is the thinking that led me to try 47 hot sauces in the six hours I spent at the Expo. I didn’t touch the milk, like some kind of pussy! I packed coconut cookies! I am a PRO. Here are the moments I’ll treasure forever.