Re:Enough is enough

Blakey (BlakeBelladonna92)

to me | 4:06 PM (10 minutes ago)

Yang, I hate how you always seem to bring out mutually exclusive emotions in me. I'm terrified and thrilled to hear that you're heading back now. It's wonderful, but profoundly stupid to be driving back still sick and burnt. I don't even know if I should yell at you or cry about how happy I am. You make my emotions into a labyrinthine knot.

So let's untangle this bit by bit.

Starting positive, I'm excited. It's been so long since I've seen you. Think about it, the closest we've been since this all began is disembodied voices shouting from a thousand miles away. Hell you don't even get to remember it either. We've just been words on a page. I'm interested in learning all the new idiosyncrasies you've gained. Where you're getting old from stress, I've gotten to hear how you've changed during this trip, but this would be the first time seeing and feeling it truly.

Now for the negative part.

Of course you're going to relapse if you work at a bar! You can be so frustrating sometimes. I know you like bartending, but this is more important, you can't surround yourself by your addiction and not expect a relapse! You have so many more marketable skills. When you're back, we're finding you a job at an auto shop or a bike dealership or something.

"When you're back", I snagged on that line. It's almost hard to imagine you could get back, it's been so long without you, it almost feels like you'd have to scale a hundred foot wall and a thousand miles of untamed land just to get here, like it's impossible. Still, I believe in you, if you want to come home, I'm certain you will. However, now that I'm saying things like "when you're back" I need to ask if you're prepared for things to change? If we're going to be doing this, we're going to need to start considering each other as teammates, partners, not burdens or solely independent. Part of a relationship is letting someone become a stakeholder in your life, a factor. I don't want to "tame" you or "own" you, nothing like that, just…

I'm covering old ground again, but I'm scared. Actually thinking you're coming back like I said is so joyous, but it comes at the cost of anxiety. If you get scared, or something happens and you go again it'll hurt so much more than if you vanish now, but that's not on you. I got to figure out how to take that if it happens. Ugh, this is what my doctor calls my paranoid thought spirals. Sort of go down one dark line of thinking and I start freaking myself thinking and overanalyzing all the way down the rabbit hole. You've got an impressive bag of crazy waiting for you when you get home.

The negative part seems bigger in this email I know, but remember the length of text does not describe the depth of feeling. Despite everything. I'm waiting for you.

But my life, I figure you want to know some of it. I'm still looking for a new job while mine slowly fizzles into extinction. In the meantime I started sharing some of the short stories and poetry I wrote while I interned myself. Velvet thinks it's absolute shit. She's not wrong, rusty would be generous. Still, she wants to work with me on a project for Menagerie's next issue. I'm going to write some small poems and she's going to photo someplace in the city that encapsulated the emotions of the piece. Basically we're doing the artsy equivalent of image macros. My rejuvenated writing career is a fucking meme factory. It's going to pay dirt, but it'll be nice to do something fun for once. I'll send you some of my better poems, see if that doesn't make me a little more worth it.

Love you. Drive safe. Please, drive safe.

Blake Belladonna

(458) 555-7929

Sent From: Portland, Oregon

AN: Well the return of this fic is as much a welcome suprise for me as it was for all of you and I of course want to finish this. I've never given up on a fic when I had the choice. (SWK wasn't my choice) and I don't intend to ruin that record yet.

Which might surprise those of you waiting on chapters of Decision or Summer's Vale. (For those of you more following for fawkes stuff ignore the rest of this) I am taking this opportunity to kind of explain my impromptu hiatus. Basically two jobs and senior year of uni make writing big fics regularly nearly impossible, so I can't really offer you must in the way of reliable updates, but like I've said I've never failed to complete a fic, just look at all the fics that say complete on my name if you ever lose faith and know both of them are going to get finished...just when is up in the air.

Anyways thanks for reading and I hope to bring things into the final acts. Oh god we need to start discussing how to actually end this… Fawkes, Fawkes we need to talk about things!