

Riot Games passed the Freelancer Registration Act on Wednesday, which required all freelance esports professionals to submit their personal information, mortal weaknesses, and local minimum wage laws to a centralized Riot database. The law is a response to the actions of Christopher “MonteCristo” Mykles, Erik “DoA” Lonnquist, and Chris “PapaSmithy” Smith, who arrogantly refused their seats at the venerable court of International Riot Events.

“These rogue freelancers are waging a war of terror against Riot’s finances,” said Riot Whalen “Magus” Rozelle. “If we give into the freelancers’ demands, how will we be able to pay for live orchestras, holographic stages, exclusive Imagine Dragons concerts, and majestic CGI previews for our next champion?”

A nearby intern, noticing that the caster desk was somewhat off balance, quickly stuffed a wad of $100 bills under one of the legs.

“MonteCristo, DoA, and PapaSmithy conveniently left out much of what went on in the contract negotiating process,” Magus continued. “In accordance to standards set by rival industries, we offered to pay the casters a few cents on every in-game microtransaction they personally sold.”

Riot plans to replace the AWOL freelancers with other, more compliant content producers: the TSM: Legends team.

“Most freelancers cast with a bit too much honesty, which can eliminate suspense in some games,” said fellow co-caster Riot Richard “Pulse” Kam, as he read from a placard in the distance. “However, the producers at TSM: Legends can always build hype, due to their unbelievable ability to remain inappropriately optimistic about absolutely unwinnable situations.”

TSM: Legends has made revolutionary changes to MSI already, replacing the “Defeat” screen at the end of the game with “Work in Progress” or “Oversight”.

We reached out to DoA, who was scraping through a gutter in desperate search for dimes and pop culture references. “I need to feed my family,” the veteran caster said through filthy, cracked lips, as he carried a bundled MonteCristo on his back. Every few moments, DoA would hide in dumpsters to avoid patrolling Riot police, or, worse, armed staff from SPOTV.

“We just want to be paid like the official Riot casters,” he added, motioning towards a slightly-cleaner hobo wearing Riot apparel.