It’s just human nature really. We see a bracket, we immediately start picking winners, losers, outcomes, tiebreaks, and an ultimate champion. Of course, we all know the entire PLL is scripted, like pro wrestling, and the outcomes are all predetermined by the Rabils. Fortunately for you, I was able to obtain a copy of the playoff script in exchange for a vintage Edge Ice and a pair of Bacharach shoulder pads from 1997. Heavy price, I know, but well worth it. I will share this information with you because the people deserve to know. But consider this a spoiler alert.

GAME ONE: Whips vs Chaos

The good news is that Miles Thompson elbow injury that sidelined him for some time has been written out of the league… I mean healed. The attack unit of Fields/Thompson/Byrne that was a nightmare for defenses early in the year has been reassembled. The Chaos are an absolute monster when they push transition towards this attack group, commanding respect from two while also able to find seams for skips and easy looks on the pipes. The Whips haven’t really shown us a weakness yet this year, and they don’t start now. They have an MVP candidate at attack in Rambo, they’ve got the second best faceoff man in the league this year in Nardella, they’ve got their own one man bomb squad in Chanenchuk. One place they are merely average is in caused turnovers. Although Bryce Young has 12 CTs on the year, the rest of this team has nobody with more than 6. The Chaos know all this and do their best to take care of the ball and get quality possessions. They even succeed in that regard, despite their up and down style. These teams split 1–1 on the year, both were one goal games. The script writers stick with that formula, Kyle Bernlohr plays his best in big spots, and the Chaos suffer flashbacks of Jack Concannon as they run into a goalie they just can’t beat. Whips win and get the fast track to the title game, 14–10.

GAME TWO: Archers v Redwoods

Redwoods fans will no doubt track the health of Jules Heningburg all week, who had to leave their last game early with a concussion. Heningburg is a dynamic player and can be the straw that stirs the drink for the Woods, but with their back against the wall last week, they actually were fine without him. Heningburg is ruled out for this one, and the Redwoods will need another big week without their star. Sergio Perkovic has finally broken out, and is playing with the confidence the Juggernaut. Ryder Garnsey invents three more new ways to score goals. Their defense is also incredible, in part because of the communication of Glazener and on ball prowess of guys like Landis and Sexton, but also in part because they know what’s coming in a scripted league. The Archers have Earth’s best lacrosse player in Tom Schreiber and that’s a good place to start. They also have three players in the top five in the league in caused turnovers (Scott Ratliff, Matt McMahon, Jackson Place). While they really don’t get much in transition, they still put are able to punish mistakes with their defense and generate some extra opportunities for the lethal 6v6 personnel. Someone that you really don’t want to shortstick is getting shortstick’d when you play the Archers. The Redwoods defense knows whats coming most of the time, again, because they were told ahead of time. The defense frustrates that Archers group, and the Woods roll, 13–9.

GAME THREE: Atlas v Chrome

You have to tip your hat to the PLL script writers, who put the team with arguably the most popular players in the league on the outside of the championship bracket. 4D chess getting played here folks. The Atlas have an absurd level of talent, packing the best faceoff specialist in the world (Baptiste), the best shooter in the world (Brown), one of if not the top defender in the world (Durkin), and guys driving their offense who are still at an all-league level like Eric Law. It’s wild that they finished where they did. The Chrome were about as snakebit as you can imagine. At once point this season, they had the league’s worst record and league’s best goal differential, which could really only happen in a fixed league. Just the math there makes my head hurt. The writers finally have things go in the right direction for Chrome, as Farrell wins the day taking draws and the Chrome offense hits on all cylinders. Chrome win, 18–14.

GAME FOUR: Chaos vs Redwoods

A shot at the title is on the line at Red Bull Arena in Newark. The Woods are riding high after taking down the Archers, but their star player’s health is still in question. With the game minutes away, the Woods send out Garnsey, Kavanaugh, and Petterson too attack. Then Red Bull Arena goes dark, and as people wonder what’s happening, Born to Run blasts through the speakers and all of New Jersey goes wild as their native son, Jules Heningburg runs out of the tunnel onto the field having cleared concussion protocol. The Chaos look around, mouths agape, at this turn of events that no one could possibly have seen coming. Then Andy Towers gathers his team and they fully embrace the heel role they’ll be playing on the day. While showstopping, ultimately the Heningburg heroics don’t quite get it done. The Chaos play mean and nasty, with Myles Jones running over defenders and Jack Rowlett and Troy Reh throwing stick checks a bit harder than usual. Connor Fields plays the silent assassin, quietly dancing and finessing his way to a 7 point outing, and the Chaos win a shot at the title, 16–15.

GAME FIVE: Atlas vs Archers

Winner gets a shot first overall pick. The writers tried to throw you off the scent here a bit by having the Atlas lose to the Chrome, but that was all just to build drama. Rabil and company were a trendy pick to actually win the title when teams were first announced. The Archers actually had the first overall pick last year and took basketball legend Pat Spencer, who they hope joins them next season fresh off a final four appearance with Northwestern. While better of late, the Archers have been struggling at the faceoff X all year, and Baptiste doesn’t make things any easier. The best way to stop Schreiber and company is to never let them have the ball, and they see hardly any of it. When they do see it, Tucker Durkin and Jack Concannon combine to form an impenetrable defensive stalwart. Presumably because they had the first pick last year, the Archers lose, and Atlas will battle Chrome again for the top overall pick. 15–10.

GAME 6: Atlas vs Chrome

Top overall pick on the line. Grant Ament? Michael Sowers? Could it be TD Ierlan?? These teams are already assuredly salivating over the depth of talent that is the 2019 graduating class. Having first pick from that group is a very big deal. In what is essentially a Team USA intrasquad scrimmage (12 players from Netanya on these teams), the compete level is arguably at its highest of the year. John Ranagan is running people over. Jordan Wolf is scoring on ridiculous crease dives. Kyle Hartzell is throwing every check in the book. This is a no holds barred, no submission, hardcore match. With the Atlas down one late in the fourth quarter, they called timeout. A play is drawn up. Franchise courses are about to change. The Atlas go with their bread and butter, Eric Law in a two man game behind the net. Law gets a half step, gets to the goal line, and as he eats a hit, fires a skip pass through a seam no one else saw. Rabil has time and room. In the lacrosse equivalent of The Undertaker throwing Mankind off the top of a steel cage, Rabil fires a howitzer from two point range, beating John Galloway and putting the Atlas up for good, 15–14. The Bulls get the number one pick, and the Chrome heartbreak continues.

GAME 7: Chaos v Whips

Now what could possibly follow completely real drama like that? The Whips, arguably the league’s top team all season, are looking to take the first ever title in the PLL. The Chaos, a highlight factory with an attitude, stand in the way. These teams play for the 4th time, and the combined margin of victory in the first three games is 3 goals. Two bombs and transition takes on lethal precision. This is a lumberjack against a surgeon. They’re both chopping things up, but the way they go about it is quite different. Folks, the writers went all out for this one.

There’s no feeling out process early in this one because the teams already know each other so well, and there’s no hiding what they’re going to try and do. Neumann and Rambo do battle at X. Brodie Merrill is everywhere at once somehow, and ground balls are not ground balls for long around him. Bernlohr stands on his head, denying Fields and Thompson in tight on multiple occasions. By the second half, teams are bending, but no one seems ready to break. A bull dodge of a goal from Myles Jones that leaves nothing but trampled Whipsnakes in his wake electrifies the Philadelphia crowd, and Andy Towers actually rips the sleeves off of his shirt in celebration.

Time is winding down in the fourth quarter and the Chaos lead by one. The Whipsnakes have the ball with the chance to tie. The whole building knows where it’s going. Hometown hero Matt Rambo gets the ball at X, starts to his right, rolls and comes back left, putting his shoulder into Jarrod Neumann to gain leverage. The two battle for position at the goal line. Rambo goes to roll one too many times, and Brodie Merrill comes on the double when Rambo’s head is turned. The ball hits the turf and an all out battle on par with the last 30 minutes of Avengers Endgame ensues. Out of the pile comes Blaze Riorden, who tries to run up the sideline to open space and seal the game. Rambo picks himself off the ground and chases down his best friend, checking the ball out of his stick near midfield. Rambo picks up the ball and with just seconds left and heaves it towards the goal. It flies, seemingly in slow motion, as the final seconds tick off the clock. At the exact moment the clock strikes zero, the ball clangs off the crossbar, landing mere inches in front of the goal line. Rambo falls to his knees, as the Chaos celebrate their title, 13–12.

So that’s what happens. It’s all scripted. Like I said, I got a copy of this script already. There’s really no reason not to trust the person I got the script from, a 16 year old who’s Dad knows a guy that went to Hopkins who sat in the same seat Paul Rabil did in freshman economics class. If you can find a place that takes bets, get ready to make some money, because this is all locked up. Enjoy the playoffs, if you still can.