Dear Captain,

This is a bit messy, please bear with me… One year ago, a long time acquaintance, “John”, figured out my interest in BDSM. It turned out him and his wife “Julia”, were a dominant and submissive couple in a polyamorus triad with another woman, who I will call “Katie”. Katie is not a sub, and told John he was free to look for another partner to suit his other needs. She gave him a list of requirements for this hypothetical new submissive and I happened to I fit the bill perfectly.

Unfortunately there was a complete breakdown in communication between John and Katie. Even though I met Katie’s every requirement in an additional partner, she essentially vetoed me from the relationship. She says she is not jealous, but she’s mean to me every time we meet, even though I’ve been nothing but nice to her. I’ve made several attempts to build bridges, and she’s burned them every time. At this point Katie has stopped talking to me altogether, which is kind of a relief, I guess. I know John finds Katie’s behaviour aggravating and nonsensical.

John and I never really got over our almost-relationship. The other day we finally acknowledged the elephant in the room: that we were still somehow having a D/s relationship, just not calling it that. To summarize, John said that he wants to have me as his sub ‘on the down low’. Essentially without Katie’s knowledge. I know John and Katie’s relationship has been rocky lately. I have no love for Katie, but I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to be responsible for a breakup… But I care deeply about John and want to be his submissive, even if it is in kind-of-secret… I’m in such a tangled web I have no idea what to do. Any advice?

Yours,

Lovelorn Sub

Dear Lovelorn,

John asking you to have a secret relationship with him is, pardon my French, shady as fuck.

I know it.

You know it.

John knows it.

Katie knows it (or will, when this all comes to light explosively and hurtfully a few months from now), as does Julia.

John could say, “Katie, sorry, you don’t actually get to veto this. I want to have a relationship with Lovelorn. If that means you want to end things between us, I understand.” Or he could respect the agreement he’s made with Katie and hold off on being with you as long as they are still together. If he doesn’t want you enough to negotiate openly & ethically with Katie, then he doesn’t want you enough, period.

Your ethical path here is “Hey, I don’t do ‘down-low’ relationships, so call me when you’ve sorted things out with Katie one way or another” and then dropping contact with John/Jane/Katie for a while. No making eyes at each other right now, no hushed conversations, no secret texts or sexy photos or whatever your dynamic with John is. Get some space from this little hothouse. There are other interesting people who are into the sexy stuff you’re into and who know how to do it safely and ethically and in a way that doesn’t ask you to compromise so much.

Do not let this dude suck you into a secret relationship with him. Especially one with D/s dynamic where he can mind-fuck you that keeping his secrets and lies to everyone in his life is part of the whole submission dynamic. That is unethical and possibly unsafe. You get to be in the open (relative to his other partners) or he doesn’t get to be with you. He needs to come correct or not at all.

You know what the right thing is here, I know you do. ❤ and strength to you.