SEABROOK, NH—Warning that the real-life Wolverine was about to start some serious shit, third-grade sources reported Friday that Michael Handley, the kid on the other side of the playground putting pencils between his knuckles, was about to fuck someone up. “Man, I would not mess with that kid if I were you,” reported classmate Jacob Frisch, explaining how Handley gathered three standard wooden pencils, sharpened them all the way, and began carefully fitting one between each of his fingers, demonstrating to all onlookers that he is seriously not fucking around about murking some poor chump. “Whoa, look at his eyes. I feel bad for anyone unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of that. A guy who would do that with pencils wouldn’t think twice about taking someone’s life.” At press time, the entire class was hoping against hope that the teacher would avert catastrophe by telling Handley to cut it out.

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