“Since its inception, Hearthstone has been a game about change,” stated Blizzard CEO J. Allen Brack in his most recent press conference. “In 2016, we added more deck slots. In 2017, we nerfed Rogue. In 2018, we nerfed Rogue again. Now, in 2019, we are nerfing Rogue and, for the first time ever, buffing pack filler. That’s the level of innovation that keeps players coming back.”



“What spurred this change in design philosophy? Excellent question,” Brack responded to no one, flashing a charming smile to the empty theater, “Three words: Magic Arena is just kicking the absolute shit out of us. And if you thought that was eleven words, well guess what motherfucker? We’re using binary now. BOOM! Change! 7/7, give Rush to all mechs. On a roll, Brack. On a roll.”



“See, there was once a time when Hearthstone was the digital card game. Sure, there were minor players. Gwent. Shadowmoor. Artif—“ At this point, Brack doubled over with hysterical laughter for several minutes, before regaining his composure and continuing his speech. “The point is, none of them had that Blizzard pop, that polish, that flair. We released the fucking Grand Tournament and we still made money. Remember The Grand Tournament? I don’t. But you bought it.”



“But now, Magic is digital too, and it’s not fucking around. Sure, we still have the casual crowd, but the whales? They’re all too willing to jump ship, especially when the last few expansions had been such thunderous duds. Buffing cards serves two purposes: currying favor with our glorious machine overlords and convincing those suckers that we’re seriously listening to their pointless suggestions.”



“I mean, really, do you think buffing a few cards is going to change anything? It’s just something else to gloat about, to meme about, to justify dropping a few more bucks on a few more packs. Discontent? Disillusioned? Look out motherfuckers! Echo is back now. Remember when we said we wanted to keep mechanics locked to specific sets? BOOM! Change! Fuck you Trump! Five star design ratings for everyone!”



Brack closed his talk with the promise that if this experiment proves lucrative, Blizzard plans to buff every card in the classic set except Silverback Patriarch. Why? “Honestly,” Brack responded, eyes burning with the soulless flame of void, “It’s grossly overtuned.”

