



A while ago—though I try not to hang out in Williamsburg too much, preferring to savor it instead like a Charleston Chew and take part in its marshmallowy goodness only once every so not very often—I started seeing stickers popping up around Lorimer Street that said “Dolphins Rape People.”



“Huh,” I said to my invisible friend. “That’s odd. What is that, some new hipster band or something?” like the ignorant mom I’m slowly becoming, kids or no. My invisible friend gave me a sarcastic look and the best answer, and that’s why we’re friends. “Google it, dummy.” Brilliant.

I put it in my mental palm pilot but didn’t get around to it for months or however long it’s been until just the other day.

There’s more than one reason the topic of dolphin rape is of interest to a lady who plays the rape whistle for fun. The second reason is because I am a dolphin. Let me explain. In addition to loving the water, pools, swimming, even peeing, I love being immersed in water and I try to swim every chance I get. I choose hotels based on their pools. And my last name is Delfino, which means…any guesses? I’ll just tell you. It apparently means “Dolphin,” among a few other things. So, basically, I am a dolphin.

Though Freud may have some 50-cent words or a 75-cent paragraph to describe my attraction to water, I’ll keep it simple and guess it’s because I grew up right on the coast.

When one googles “Dolphin rape,” not a ton of things come up, though you start to develop a pretty clear picture if you click on every single link, which I did. So I’ve condensed what I found into a dolphin-rape digest for you.

• Dolphins have weirdly strong penises full of muscles that they can use like hands. In some cases, rape-y groups of “male teenage” dolphins will grab the wrist of a human swimmer—male or female—WITH SAID HAND-PENIS—and pull them under water to a “dolphin rape cave." There they take turns (because they’re polite) raping the human until they’ve had their fun. Obviously, by this point, the person will have drowned. So it appears to be kind of a sucky way to go.

• This happens like, 14 times a year, and possibly more, but some people who go missing are never found, so it could happen even more than we think, because people go swimming alone and never return. In one instance, witnesses saw a 36-year-old woman get snatched (that’s a euphemism, btw) by a dolphin while swimming on vacation, and she was never seen again. Is that shit crazy, or what?

• We know about dolphin rape because scuba divers have found people in the caves and upon further examination, these victims had dolphin bite marks and showed signs of being penetrated. They also are often bruised and beaten up from being smacked around with flippers.

• This kind of behavior is typically exhibited by dolphins who are “the equivalent of teenaged males.” And it’s not just humans—they’ll fuck any old human or fish they feel like fucking, including other dolphins.

• Not only do they rape fish and rape people, some dolphin jocks also have this fun game where they kick the shit out of baby porpoises and then use their corpses as footballs.

• Demi Moore supposedly got molested by a dolphin at Siegfried and Roy’s Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat, which totally sounds like an underwater rape cave. People had to intervene to save the star’s fish taco from the horny water thug, which brings up an interesting point—are women with fishier-smelling lady parts more likely to get pulled away? This might just be one more great argument for good hygiene below 14th Street if you know what I’m talking about.

• I looked all of this up on Snopes and didn’t find anything disproving it, therefore, it all must be true.

Looks like dolphins have even more in common with humans than we thought!

So in closing, go ahead, swim with the dolphins—they can’t all be rapists. Just don’t forget to bring your rape whistle, or hell, a Joyce Chen. Worse comes to worst, you can eat that mofo before he rapes you.

—JESSICA DELFINO