WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference at the Smithsonian Institution, a spokesperson for science announced Tuesday that they would no longer be using the scientific method. Instead they will be moving to a more opinion-based technique to solve scientific mysteries.

“You are going to be hearing a lot more phrases like ‘more than likely’ and ‘it was probably due to,'” said Dr. Michael Thurber. “We are coming to find out that science isn’t really an exact science,” Thurber continued. “I mean, how do I even know that you people are actually here? I could be imagining this whole press conference. All the tests and experiments in the world couldn’t solve that. It’s exhausting. The new method will be way more cost-effective anyway.”

The scientific method, as it stands, looks like this:

Ask a question Do background research Construct a hypothesis Test your hypothesis by doing an experiment Analyze your data, and draw a conclusion Communicate your data

The new method does not intend to turn things completely on their ears. It will merely remove steps two, four and five. Other than that, the scientific method will remain unchanged.

The first conclusion the scientific community has made using the new method concerns life outside of earth. Dr. Thurber proudly announced that life in outer space does, in fact, exist. He admitted that though there is not physical evidence, “It’s really unlikely that we are alone in the universe. I mean, come on, seriously.”

Future topics on which science intends to close the proverbial book include what dinosaurs ate and did, evolution, the existence of a higher power, volcanoes, the genetic root of homosexuality and the best way to keep cereal crispy.

Ross Kelly is really looking forward to left-over cereal.