ANGELS exist but can only help self-absorbed people with trivial nonsense.

Following repeated claims by self-aware individuals that they have guardian angels, the celestial beings confirmed their role as the helpers of idiots.

Angel Tom Booker said: “For some reason we are not permitted to assist people suffering the effects of war, famine or disease.

“It’s angel policy that we can only help with trivial matters affecting the lives of the privileged, for example easing traffic congestion so that a middle-class divorcee can get to her book group on time.

“Or the all-time classic, finding someone’s car keys. When my designated human says ‘Guardian angel, please find my keys so I can go on holiday’, I am duty bound to oblige.”

48-year-old trinket shop owner Nikki Hollis said: “I always knew there was an invisible winged being gently helping me on my journey through life.

“Otherwise I never would have gotten off that drink driving charge. I was trollied.”

Hollis’s guardian angel Roy Hobbs said: “I blew my magic angel breath into the breathalyser.

“It’s my job, don’t ask me why the spirit world is so fucked up.”