Please Don’t Forget That American Classic The Godfather Had An Important Subplot About A Big Vagina

I’m worried that not enough people are aware that Mario Puzo’s The Godfather, bestselling classic and source material for beloved films The Godfather, parts I and II, features a significant subplot about a woman named Lucy Mancini, who is friendly with the Corleone family and whose biggest problem is her roomy vagina.

A lot of people think I’m joking, when I tell them that. I’m not joking. There are a significant number of pages given to Lucy’s vagina problem. As someone on Twitter pointed out, “this is sort of like if a fifth of The Great Gatsby was about how one of the party guests had one leg that was shorter than the other.”

Think, for a moment, about how close we all came to living in a world where universally-acclaimed masculinist classic The Godfather devoted a half-hour of screen time to a minor character’s vagina surgery. (She is in the movie, albeit briefly; she’s the bridesmaid Sonny is seen having sex with during his sister’s wedding; in the book she’s devastated after his death because she’s convinced he is the only man in the world with a penis large enough for her terrible, enormous vagina.)

This world:

what

THAT IS NOT BEST MEDICAL PRACTICES

this really happened in the book you know

hand to God, go check the book right now if you don’t believe me

this has NOTHING TO DO with the main plotline of The Godfather and never does, if you’re wondering

“IF IT WEREN’T UNETHICAL”

REAL

TIGHT

WALLS

this book was a BEST SELLER, the movie based upon it is HIGHLY RESPECTED

This is also how Saving Private Ryan ends. “Earn this.”

In lieu of flowers, please make donations in Mallory’s memory to some sort of charity for snatch repair.