It always happens. You know, when the sanctimonious prick who always complains about other racers being “dangerous”, or “irresponsible”, does something profoundly stupid and ruins a whole year. Yes, I said the whole year. Lorenzo has ruined the whole year. Because unless he breaks both his legs before July, Marc Marquez will now be the 2018 world champion. And we’re only 4 races in. Sad, huh?

I should have had this report finished yesterday, but I couldn’t because I was drunk. After watching that travesty the other night, a man has to drink. Not that I need an excuse, but The Macallan did get a good nudge. To the point where I had to delete my first draft of this report because it was incomprehensible shit. Some of you will suggest this one is too, but you can piss off. I don’t care what you think.

Anyway, back to the guff.

Jorge Lorenzo, the man who loves to portray himself as Mr Safety, made a number of dick moves at Jerez, all because he can’t see past his own tiny penis. Lets look at it from the start, shall we? Oh, you’re offended at the tiny penis joke? Why, you sensitive? Man up. Deal with your tiny penis and move on.

Good onya George, ya dickhead.

George was never going to win. He was always going to be a rolling road block. He knew that. And I know he knew that. You wanna know how I know he knew that? I’ll tell you. I guess that’s my job after all. Because he put a soft front Michelin on his bike, that’s how I know. And now you know too. Thank me later when you tell your mates and look like a genius.

He was the only guy in the whole field to run a soft front, on a day when it was obvious the blazing Spanish sun was going to melt even the hard Michelins and turn them to liquorice and give everyone grip issues and make them crash their brains out. And plenty of them did just that. The idiot Pommy commentators (who I can tell you work for no pay, just free sandwiches and accommodation in backpacker hostels) carried on with some bullshit about how Lorenzo planned to use the soft tyre to make a break and then try and nurse it to the end of the race.

It was all bullshit, spouted by blokes who should know better. But they don’t, because they’re English. Same goes for the Kiwi one that sounds like he has brain damage.

There’s only one reason a rider puts a soft tyre on his bike on a day like that, and that is because he knows deep down he can’t win, so he decides ho will try and get himself on the telly for the first 5 laps by shooting away to a lead before his soft gooey tyres shit themselves and he slows down like he’s driving Miss Daisy. In the old days of special sticky qualifying tyres, it was always a great lark for a bloke who would never see the front of a field to turn up at a televised meeting and bolt on some super soft qualifying rubber in the hope of getting on telly by leading for 3 laps before drifting to the back of the field and eventually pulling into the pits, cracking a beer and watching the rest of the race from the garage.

Things started according to George’s plan.

That’s what George did. He couldn’t win. He was .6 slower than his teammate in the morning warm up. So he stuck in the soft rubber in the hope of leading a few laps at the track that has a corner named after him. Which is precisely the corner Marquez passed him on, that cheeky bastard. You’d swear he did it deliberately.

It must have been heartbreaking for the team. Telling them to bolt a soft front into your bike on a day like that is like saying “I know I can’t win today, so I’m gonna go out there and make a prick of myself for 20 minutes, and embarrass all of you, because I don’t like any of you and I don’t care about any of you. You are all my servants and you will work hard while I morph into a moron. Again.”

So George got a cracker start and led early, Marquez took a few laps to get on his tail, then toyed with George for a while, like a cat with a ping pong ball, before waiting for Lorenzo Corner to pass him and start pissing off into the distance. George then started slowing down. And slowing everyone else down. He’s probably also the one who slowed down Simon Carfar’s speech for all I know. He’s that good at it. He particularly slowed down Dovi, who was right up his clacker, and who had a few goes at getting by, each time losing 30m and taking only 3 corners to catch it back up again. Clearly Dovi had more pace, but passing a guy on the same bike as you can be difficult.

Some of Mr Safety’s best work. Bibendum approves.

A smart rider in George’s situation, where the leader is getting away and the guys behind you are running up your arse, will often let the faster guy through in the hope that he can drag you back up to the leader. But George doesn’t do that. If he can’t beat Marquez, then he’s going to make damn sure nobody else will either. I wandered down to the Ducati garage to check the mood. One of Dovi’s engineers was trying to hack into Lorenzo’s on board comms system to send him a “Suggest Map 8” message, but they remembered it was futile anyway as George is obviously illiterate. Have you read any of his books? I often wonder how that man remembers to breathe let alone ride a bike.

And so we get to the carnage. It happened at the gloriously named Dry Sack corner. I’d love to make jokes about where the monicker comes from, but it’s more than likely from the Spanish fortified wine of the same name, which is kinda boring.

Dovi rammed it up the inside under brakes, but ran wide, taking Lorenzo with him to the outside of the track. Lorenzo tucked back behind and under Dovi, and then he did the dumb thing. All of the dumb things. From his position out wide on the track he made a bee-line straight for the apex. Problem was Pedrosa was there. They collided, Dani was catapulted into space, then Lorenzo decided to go and crash into Dovi as well for good measure, because he clearly felt he hadn’t fucked up enough yet. All three were out of the race, and it was basically ruined. Lorenzo and Dovi waved their limbs at each other, while Dani concentrated on checking all of his were still working. Poor little bastard is the unluckiest rider on earth.

I’ve heard many people, including race director Mike Webb, explain the whole thing as a “racing incident”. All of these people are clearly buffoons. Even Crutchlow’s support Capybara, Tito, could see it was all Lorenzo’s fault. (Yes, the Capybara has a name now.)

Here’s the thing. When you’ve spent the last 5 laps getting slower, holding up your teammate, there’s a fair bet he’s not the only one on your arse. With names like Zarco, Rossi, Iannone, Crutchlow, Petrucci, Vinales, Miller, etc. all in the field, there’s a pretty good chance you’re holding some of them up as well. So you know that when you run wide you can’t just slam back to the apex because there will be someone there. Possibly a number of someones. Racers know this stuff. Even club racers know you need to have a quick look before pulling a dick move like that.

I’ve seen people claim that Dani saw the gap and “went for it”, so he was somehow taking a chance himself. Webb said it too. Bullshit. All Dani did was ride the normal race line. He didn’t go for anything. He wasn’t even attempting to actually make a move on anyone, because he didn’t have to, they both ran wide by themselves. All he had to do was ride normally and he would have passed both the Ducatis, so that’s precisely what he was in the process of doing. He also couldn’t see Lorenzo and Dovizioso once he’d tipped into the corner, as he was hanging off the inside of his bike and looking towards the corner exit, so getting smashed into from the outside by a retarded Ducati rider would be the last thing he expected.

I’ve also seen people claim Lorenzo would not have known Dani was there. That’s bullshit too. Given he should have expected someone to be there, and if he’d used the basic racer process of having a slight look before you slam back to the apex from out wide on the track, he would have easily seen Dani. Not only that, he would have been able to hear him. Feel him. That sixth sense that all good riders have would have let him know someone was there. Those senses would have even told him it was someone on an orange bike. These blokes are so fine tuned to this stuff that they feel a tingle in their nuts when someone is on their inside. They just know. George should have known.

In short, it was the kind of move Lorenzo complains about every week when other guys carve him up, so basically he should now shut his mouth and focus on trying to remember how to win races. There’s a good lad. Meanwhile, Ducati are hoping like hell George is going to ask for a mid-season release to move to Suzuki.

Superman used to be my favourite Superhero. Now it is this bloke. He’s that good.

And yes, I’m extra pissed at him because last week I wrote about how Dovi was going to win the title this year thanks to his consistency. Well thanks George, you just ruined my chances of scoring big with the bookies, you arsehat.

There was one other defining moment at Jerez that needs mentioning. No, it wasn’t Marquez doing that weird dance as he crossed the line, nor the way he now treats the last lap of the race like the warm down lap, waving to everyone as he rolls around to the chequered flag, such is his winning margin and care factor. He’s just showing them all how far ahead of them he really is.

It was when he came upon the scene of Luthi’s crash, where his cartwheeling bike had thrown gravel all over the entry to the next corner. Marquez came around and saw the gravel, and you could almost hear him yell in his helmet “Gravel… AWESOME!!!”, before throwing his bike on its side, giving it a fistful of throttle and power sliding through it like Jason Doyle. The man is a freak. It was the kind of situation that regularly sees many of the people who masquerade as motorcyclists and ride every third Sunday (if its sunny) up their favourite local road to sit at a cafe and make broom broom noises with other pretend-motorcyclist-idiots, crash their brains out. They see gravel on the road and panic, then crash like lemmings, before telling their friends they “had to lay it down” because there was gravel on the road. That’s the difference between Marquez and 99% of motorcyclists. He actually is a motorcyclist. The rest are pretenders.

Just like George.

Marquez now has a 12 point lead over Zarco, who isn’t a real contender anyway, and is almost a full race win ahead of Dovizioso, who in reality is the nearest rider to him who ever actually had a real chance of winning the title. But he doesn’t now, save for the two broken legs I mentioned earlier.

Meanwhile, George has 6 points in total, 3 behind Hafizh Syahrin. And I bet you don’t even know who that is.

What? You still think it was just a “racing incident”? Ok, try this. Imagine it was Marquez who has run wide, and came back to the apex and took Rossi out.

Imagine the shitstorm then…