NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years. “We want to assure the American people that throughout the forthcoming presidential term, we will, with equal rigor, hold both Trump’s and Clinton’s feet to the fire on the issues that matter most,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, who echoed official statements made by every other cable, print, and online news source across the country by affirming that it was the responsibility of the press to ensure both individuals were made to answer for their misdeeds during the next administration. “While we vow to carefully monitor the decisions and actions of the nation’s next president and expose his and his cabinet’s failings wherever they appear, we also make a solemn promise to provide a balanced critique by refusing to ever let Clinton off the hook. The nation can continue to count on us for fair, equitable reporting on the most important political developments.” At press time, members of the media were already diligently researching what effect Clinton’s email scandal might have on Trump’s foreign policy.

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