All those people who want tort reform can pound sand. Give us tort reform and we might never get the monumental self-own that Congressman—and White House lawn ornament—Devin Nunes brought to the Henrico County Circuit Court late Monday afternoon. In merciful brief, Nunes is suing Twitter (and several Twitterers) for $250 million because he thinks the platform conspired to shut out conservative voices while allowing other accounts to be very mean to him, Devin Nunes. From the Sacramento Bee:

The lawsuit accuses Twitter of hiding, punishing or “shadow-banning” posts with a conservative bent — including those from Nunes — while simultaneously allowing others to profit from defaming him. Nunes’ attorney, Steven S. Biss, claims Twitter acts as “allowed (and allows) its platform to serve as a portal of defamation in order to undermine public confidence in Plaintiff and to benefit his opponents and opponents of the Republican Party.

Liz Mair — a political strategist who acted against Nunes in the previous election through the Swamp Accountability Project, a dark money group targeting President Donald Trump and his congressional allies — is the only individual named on the lawsuit. Two apparent parody Twitter accounts, “Devin Nunes’ Mom” and “Devin Nunes’ cow,” are also named. Nunes’ lawsuit claims “Twitter contributed materially to the illegal conduct of defamers Mair, Devin Nunes’ Mom and Devin Nunes’ cow.”

Yes, this is all in a legal document. But it really only scratches the surface. To wit:

Defendant, Devin Nunes’ Mom, is a person who, with Twitter’s consent, hijacked Nunes’ name, falsely impersonated Nunes’ mother, and created and maintained an account on Twitter (@DevinNunesMom) for the sole purpose of attacking, defaming, disparaging and demeaning Nunes.

The complaint would like you to know that Devin Nunes has had bestowed upon him a dazzling array of pseudonyms.

In her endless barrage of tweets, Devin Nunes’ Mom maliciously attacked every aspect of Nunes’ character, honesty, integrity, ethics and fitness to perform his duties as a United States Congressman. Devin Nunes’ Mom stated that Nunes had turned out worse than Jacob Wohl; falsely accused Nunes of being a racist, having “white supremist friends” and distributing “disturbing inflammatory racial propaganda”; falsely accused Nunes of putting up a “Fake News MAGA” sign outside a Texas Holocaust museum; falsely stated that Nunes would probably join the “Proud Boys … “if it weren’t for that unfortunate ‘no masturbating’ rule”; disparagingly called him a “presidential fluffer and swamp rat”; alsely stated that Nunes had brought “shame” to his family; repeatedly accused Nunes of the crime of treason, compared him to Benedict Arnold, and called him a “traitor”, “treasonous shitbag”, a “treasonous Putin shill”, working for the “Kremlin”; falsely stated that Nunes was “100% bought and sold. He has no interest remaining for his constituents”; falsely accused Nunes of being part of the President’s “taint” team; falsely stated that Nunes was unfit to run the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence; falsely accused Nunes of “secretly hat[ing] the people he’s supposed to serve”; falsely accused Nunes of being a “lying piece of shit”…falsely stated that “@Devin Nunes is DEFINITELY a feckless cunt”…

For those not hip to the kids on the Intertoobz, the complaint helpfully defines “taint.”

The verb “taint” means to contaminate morally or to affect with putrefaction. A “taint” is a contaminating mark or influence or a trace of a bad or undesirable substance or quality...The Urban Dictionary defines “taint” as the area of skin on a women between her vagina and her anus.

There’s also a helpful copy of a tweet from which one can learn what a human centipede is. (Look it up yourselves.) And, all around the country, a thousand college students give up on law school. The complaint comes to a thunderous conclusion in which the Whole Shadow Banning Deep State is uncovered.

The substance and timing of the tweets, retweets, replies and likes by Mair, Devin Nunes’ Mom and Devin Nunes’ cow demonstrates that all three bad actors were and are engaged in a joint effort, together and with others, to defame Nunes and interfere with his duties, employment and investigations of corruption as a United States Congressman. The purpose of the concerted defamation campaign was to cause immense pain, intimidate, interfere with and divert Nunes’ attention from his investigation of corruption and Russian involvement in the 2016 Presidential Election… he Twitter attacks on Nunes were pre-planned, calculated, orchestrated and undertaken by multiple individuals acting in concert, over a continuous period of time exceeding a year. The full scope of the conspiracy, including the names of all participants and the level of involvement of donors and members of the Democratic Party, is unknown at this time and will be the subject of discovery in this action.

And thus does the kitty come screeching out of the burlap.

To review: Devin Nunes, a member of the Congress of the United States, is suing Twitter. He also is suing his imaginary mother and his imaginary cow, because he believes his imaginary mother and his imaginary cow slandered him online, and because he believes that his imaginary mother and his imaginary cow conspired with Jack Dorsey to keep Devin Nunes and his supporters—real and imaginary—from stating their case on his platform. He is suing them for $250 million; oddly, this is the same amount sought in the lawsuit brought by the MAGA hat kid against CNN et. al.

As a nation, we’re wearing our underwear on our head and going to church.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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