So, some dunderhead in an orange sports car decides to share his midlife crisis with you on Interstate 5, speeding in and out of lanes without signaling, cutting you off and nearly causing a crash.

Maybe you saw an oblivious driver on a cell phone turn in front of a bicyclist in Northeast Portland, causing the bike rider to brake, lose control and fly over her handlebars?

Or someone blew through a red light in downtown Beaverton and smashed into the side of your car, but the police decided not to write a ticket to the other motorist.

What can you do to make sure road scofflaws don't get away with leaving traffic rules in the rearview mirror?

Well, if TV has taught us anything, it's that we can make a citizen's arrest. (Refer to

-- watch the classic

).

Actually, in the real world it's called a citizen's citation. Anyone with the time -- and a good memory when it comes to faces -- can issue one.

"It doesn't happen often," said Portland police traffic Lt. Bryan Parman, "but it does happen."

In a fender-bender, for example, police often just show up to do the paperwork, but decline to issue a citation. "There have been cases where one of the drivers went forward with filing their own citation," Parman said.

Interested? Aggrieved? Here's how to do it in five easy steps:

1. Get the offender's license plate number and a good look at their face.

Under Oregon law, just getting the license number isn't enough. "You can't issue a citation to a vehicle," Parman said. "You have to be able to identify the person behind the wheel."

2. Call the local police department's non-emergency number.

Tell them that you want to issue a citizen's citation under

. They won't laugh at you or treat you like Gomer Pyle. Promise. But like the police and their tickets, you have to do it within six months after the violation.

3. Go to the police station.

You will need to be able to identify the driver from a lineup of DMV file photos. If it's a more serious offense, such as a hit and run involving an injury, you may be asked to come back and identify the driver from a physical lineup. An officer will then fill out a citation, leaving "court date" and the line for the officer's signature (you are the officer here) blank.

4. Take the nearly-finished ticket to the county court within 14 days.

A clerk will require that you take an oath and sign the citation, swearing that the information is accurate. The clerk finds a court date on the calendar and sends the ticket to the defendant. Someone's about to get a surprise in the mail.

5. Remember the court date and show up.

If you're not going to show up in front of the judge and the accused to testify in support of the citation, you might as well just let it go.

Non-emergency numbers in the Portland area:

Clark County, call 360-696-4461.

Clackamas County, call 503-655-8211.

Lake Oswego or West Linn, call 503-635-0238

Milwaukie, call 503-786-7500.

Columbia County, call 503-397-1521.

Multnomah County, call 503-823-3333. For more information, visit

Washington County, call 503-629-0111.

Yamhill County, call 503-434-6500.

In Newberg or east Yamhill County, call 503-538-8321.

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