When I play a board game, I take no prisoners. None of that “be a good sport” bullshit. If there isn’t blood on the board, we didn’t play hard enough.

This Gleek is for everyone who’s lost a friend due to cut-throat game play. We didn’t come to game night to discuss our feelings, we came to annihilate the competition. And good riddance to the childhood best friends who don’t get that. Do you hear me, Chad? Block my phone number if that makes you feel better. I don’t want sore losers in my life, only sore winners.

How many of these games have you lost a friend over?

🔲 APPLES TO APPLES

It is perfectly legitimate gameplay to write your friend Chad’s name on one of your cards and play it when you’re dealt the adjective “annoying.” It’s annoying when your friend Chad doesn’t see the humor in this and accuses you of defacing his game cards. Which only proves that “Chad” and “annoying” is a game-winning combination.

🔲 MONOPOLY

If you can’t handle me at my Mediterranean Avenue, you don’t deserve me at my Park Place, Chad. Oh, and the rent on that property is $4,500.

🔲 SORRY!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry when you’re playing Sorry. #SorryNotSorryChad

🔲 CHESS

You might think you’re the next Bobby Fischer, but you’re not. Move your knight and fuck off, Chad.

🔲 RISK

I once went on a Carnival Cruise to Ensenada with Chad, and he ordered the “CHEERS” unlimited drink package, which includes fifteen alcoholic beverages per day. Chad tried to game the system by purchasing a second “CHEERS” package with my credit card and then using both of our IDs to get drinks from bars on different decks. He was so wasted after the Hairy Chest Contest that he attacked me by the 24-hour pizza buffet. All of this is to say, if I wanted this asshole to attack me in a foreign country again, I’d spring for another weekend cruise to Ensenada because at least it would go faster than a game of Risk, amIrightChad?

🔲 CODE NAMES

How is anyone supposed to guess “bachelor” and “ninja” from the clue “weekend,” Chad? I mean, really, Chad? REALLY?

🔲 PANDEMIC

Have you ever wished you could succumb to illness during a worldwide viral epidemic? Try playing any of these games with Chad.

🔲 SCATTERGORIES

When the letter is A and the category is Things Found In The Ocean, if you don’t let me score a point for “airplane,” then I will spend the rest of my life hoping you die in an airplane crash over the Atlantic. That’s just how it is, Chad.

🔲 TRIVIAL PURSUIT

Look, if I say I love you and you don’t say it back immediately, I don’t think that’s a trivial thing, Chad. You think you’ve got all the answers, don’t you? Am I supposed to be impressed that you know what the largest lake in the world is? Because it would be a lot more impressive if you could just fucking admit you love me too. But I guess you don’t get a pie wedge for that, do you? I hope you live a long and loveless life. Enjoy your games, Chad.

RESULTS!

If you scored anywhere from 1-10, then you are no longer friends with Chad. And for that, we salute you.