Of all the questions you might conjure for Apple’s coolheaded retail store employees, here’s one you (and they) probably haven’t considered: What does it take to get booted from an Apple Store?

Walking in with a dog? Ordering a pizza and having it delivered to the second floor? Taking your (very tall) wife on a “romantic” date? Showing up dressed as Anakin Skywalker (you know, as he looked in the original trilogy) and asking someone to repair your broken iPhone? And what about strolling in with a goat (yep, a live goat)? Can you bring that into an Apple Store?

Comedian Mark Malkoff gives each of those scenarios a try to get to the bottom of these all-important consumer mysteries.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo2p82aTQzo]

Okay, we all know what it’d really take, and yep, I’d probably boot you for shopping in nothing but a tiger-striped speedo, too.

(via Cult of Mac)

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Matt Peckham is a reporter at TIME. Find him on Twitter at @mattpeckham or on Facebook. You can also continue the discussion on TIME’s Facebook page and on Twitter at @TIME.