DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days. “Hey, look—fruit! Maybe she’s starting to turn things around,” the woman’s internal organs were reported to have thought in response to the appearance of the strawberry, allowing themselves to naively fantasize about a series of balanced, wholesome, and properly portioned meals in an act of desperate, wishful thinking. “If we get a few more of these each day, we might just be all right. You’ve got to think we’ll probably start getting some vegetables down here pretty soon too!” Sources confirmed that, moments later, Cook’s dispirited esophagus reported an incoming stream of chocolate fondue.

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