1. Thanks = Well done on reading this whole email.

2. Thanks! = Genuinely amazed you made it all the way through this.

3. Many thanks = Zero thanks.

4. Thank you = I am furious with you.

5. Thx = I think Zayn is my favourite member of 1D.

6. Regards = I really couldn't care less.

7. Kind regards = I really couldn't care less, but this is my way of appearing like I could.

8. KR = I couldn't even be bothered to write the full words, that's how kind my regards are.

9. Warm regards = If we ever meet I'll probably try to smell your hair.

10. Warmest regards = ...and I don't mean the hair on your head.

11. Sincerely = Insincerely

12. Faithfully = The internet is a hub of pornography and violence and I think the world's problems would be solved if everyone just wrote handwritten letters.

13. Yours = There's a picture of you on my pillow.

14. Cheers = Look how normal I am.

15. Cheers mate = Look how normal I am, now let's get to the pub.

16. Ta = I am too busy to write whole words, so this noise shall suffice.

17. Bye = Fuck you.

18. Good-bye = Fuck everyone.

19. Best wishes = I have to write something here, and this will do.

20. Best = I'm thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch.

21. Very best = I know what I'm going to have for lunch now and I'm super psyched.

22. All the best = BURRITO MINUS 30 MINUTES!

23. [Your name] = I can spell my own name!

24. [Your initial] = I can't quite spell my own name.

25. :) = This emoticon is happier than I could ever hope to be. Why does no one love me???

26. ;) = I totally would.

27. Laters = I have so much disdain for you that I just made up a word.

28. Looking forward to hearing from you = REPLY IMMEDIATELY.

29. x = I'm flirty.

30. xxx = I'm currently under investigation for an HR violation.

31. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx = I'm not allowed to use scissors.

32. Take it easy = You'll never see me again.

33. See you soon = Oh god I hope not.

34. Talk soon = See above.

35. Sent from my iPhone = I HAVE AN iPHONE.

36. Sent from my iPhone so please excuse typos = I HAVE AN iPHONE and I'm zany.

37. Love = So lonely.

38. Lots of love = So very, very lonely.

39. Write back = Write back, or the cat gets it.

40. TTYL = YSPNTTMABIACAS (You Should Probably Never Talk To Me Again Because I Am Clearly A Sociopath)

41. Take care = Die in a fire.