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Local witnesses have reported who they believe to be the Messiah being held captive by the owners of the “Jesus Is Coming” van that can be seen strolling around the Houma area.

“I think Jesus is already here,” says Connie, 27, “But those folks who drive that van are keeping him in confinement. I was stopped at the light before the tunnel, and I could hear a banging noise and a heavenly glow coming from the back of the van”

“I saw him!” says Bruce, 46, “they opened the back door to grab some more Bibles to pass out, and there he was, slumping in the back of the van, shackled. White robes, halo and all. I can’t believe it. I saw Jesus. Crazy he’s here in Houma.”

Authorities have yet to locate the conspicuous van, but suspect it’ll spawn in a random location on the Houma map very soon.

Officer Leroy B. of Houma explains, “It’s like an Easter egg in a video game, finding this thing. I’m sure we’ll come across it. That’s when we’ll rescue Jesus.

“We suspect the motive of the van owners is so that they don’t lose their sense of duty. If Jesus finally came, then what would they do? I don’t know, but all I know is that this good nation could use some Jesus right about now. If he wasn’t shackled in the back of some van, he could be president of the United States.”

“Not likely,” interjected Deputy Quinn L. of Houma “His policies to help the poor and welcome immigrants would probably get him labeled a communist or something like that. You know folks these days.

“If anyone has any information leading to the eventual rescue of Jesus, please inform the authorities. If you were hoping to be saved by Jesus, then let’s work together by saving Him first. Amen.”

This is a developing story. We will be posting live updates on the rescue of Jesus Christ in Houma, Louisiana.

In other news, legislators are debating replacing MLK Boulevard’s concrete roads with gravel, in an effort to combat concrete roads.

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Louisiana Today is a satire news blog. It is intended to be taken with light humor – not to be taken seriously. Any persons or entities mentioned are never targeted with any mal intent. This is meant to give people a laugh. Thanks for understanding.

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