Yes, and then the Easter Bunny and Santa used that burning oil to light their way as they traveled to the land of vaguely retarded Holiday stories you tell small children. Yeah, that's the story of Hanukkah. Because when you have a silly little holiday, it's not really a big deal to have a story for the kids. The real miracle is that a bunch of random guerrilla Jews -the Maccabees-were able to avoid the destruction of our faith and thwart off the entire Syrian army. But it's hard to write catchy jingles about a failed cultural/religious genocide. And the image of randomly sabotaging a Syrian patrol unit with slingshots and spears just isn't as festive as eight pretty candles.

4. "Why Does It Keep Changing Date?"

I know this is going to blow the mind of anyone who thinks the world started 2010 years ago, but we Jews have been existing and recording time for over 5,000 years. And especially as we had to keep track of the days of the week so we could, y'know, honor the eight Commandment to "remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy" we couldn't wait around 3500 years for the Greeks to invent a calendar. Was it the Greeks? Not sure. I know Julius Cesar adopted the solar-based calendar of Alexandria in 46 B.C. and in 1561 Pope Gregory XIII, oh whatever. None of these people are Jews. Moving on.

The Hebrew calendar is moon-based and does not gibe exactly with the Gregorian calendar. So while Hanukkah occurs consistently on the 25th day of Kislev on the Jewish calendar, that date moves a bit when transferred to the Gregorian calendar. Sorta like when you cut and paste some text from the internet into a word doc. Most of if it's there, but the spacings off and you get a few random wing dings. Yes, it's exactly like that.