Daily Mail readers wank themselves to death during Pippa Middleton’s wedding

There have been reports from across the nation of severe wanking injuries sustained by Daily Mail readers during Pippa Middleton’s wedding including, tragically, several deaths by wanking.

Many Daily Mail readers ignored medical advice and began wanking at 11.30am on Saturday morning as the ceremony began and attempted a sustained bout of onanism throughout the afternoon.

“I just couldn’t help myself,” said Simon Williams, Daily Mail reader and complete fucking bastard.

“I realise that nearly 12 hours of solid wanking could prove dangerous, but there was Pippa Middleton wearing a nice expensive dress in a Home Counties village with various royals in attendance and absolutely no multiculturalism or trendy PC nonsense.

“I went from six to midnight just thinking about it.”

Mr Williams was admitted to hospital at around 2pm with chronic carpal tunnel syndrome.

Tragically, the first report of death by wanking came in at 6pm on Saturday when a 51-year-old racist was found slumped over his keyboard with his microscopic penis between two fingers. It is understood the man had been reading the Mail Online’s live reporting on the wedding.

Hospitals have been placed on alert for further wanking injuries over the next few days as the Mail On Sunday and subsequent Daily Mail issues feature vast swathes of Pippa Middleton wedding coverage.