I don't know if you know this, but if you want to go on a real tropical vacation, you're basically looking the power of nature right in the eye and saying "Hey, Nature, how's your wife? You know, the one I just disgraced with my seed? How is she? Sticky? Yeah, she's sticky." Nature hates you on vacation and as such is going to throw every awful thing it has at you.

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Hepatitis exists in pretty much every country you currently don't live in. Yeah, it exists here, too, but when you go on vacation it'll be in the water, in the food and in all the people and monkeys you run afoul of. Every surface you touch will be oozing hepatitis. You like waffles? The inside of every delicious, foreign waffley square will be brimming with hepatitis. All the hepatitises, too; A, B, C, Epsilon, everything.

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This is Hepatitis Omega. Goes right in the ass.

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Even if you're wise enough to get vaccinated against your diphtherias and choleras and hepatitties, you're also going to have to get used to the fact that whatever food you eat on vacation is going to rocket through your insides like a greased up eunuch in a laundry chute. If you don't get that simile, please trust that it's terrifyingly accurate. Foods you can safely eat here, when prepared by a chef on an island nation, immediately signal red flags to your insides and evacuate the premises. The last thing any one of us needs in life is a gut full of hepatitis-infused squits, so screw that. No vacation for me.