PYONGYANG—Appearing alarmed upon his return from the nuclear summit in Hanoi, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reportedly panicked Thursday as he walked through the abandoned streets of Pyongyang and realized his nation’s entire populace had managed to escape while he was away. “Shit, shit, shit—I never should have left them alone!” said Kim, who, according to sources, roamed the desolate cityscape shouting “Hello? Hello?” and wondering aloud what the point of having landmines and labor camps was if they couldn’t prevent a situation like this. “You turn your back for one second, and the whole population vanishes! They must have realized this was their one big chance and just gone for it. I didn’t think they’d ever pull it off, but I guess they did. Huh. I can’t blame my enemies for wanting to leave, but everyone? My family, my wife, even?” Reports confirmed Kim later spotted the last handful of citizens scaling the DMZ fence and pleaded with them not to leave him all alone.

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