1. Treat Strong Emotion as a Puzzle, Not a Problem

When someone close to us is racked with anxiety, overwhelmed by sadness, or just incredibly frustrated, it’s natural to see their emotion as a problem — something to be taken care of and resolved quickly. This is why we so often turn to advice-giving when people we care about are upset.

But as I’m sure you’ve come to learn, giving advice to someone in the throes of a bad mood is typically unhelpful at best and often counterproductive.

Instead of viewing someone’s bad mood as a problem to be fixed, what if you shifted your perspective and saw it as a puzzle instead?

Viewing someone’s emotion as a problem puts us in a moral frame of mind — we think of the emotion as something bad to be gotten rid of quickly.

On the other hand, thinking of it as a puzzle puts us in a mindset of curiosity. And when we’re curious about another person’s emotion, it’s far easier to be validating, understanding, and empathetic, which is what most people experiencing strong, painful emotions really need.

So, pay attention to your own self-talk when someone you care about is very emotional. How are you thinking about their emotion to yourself? Try to catch and hold back on thoughts like:

Don’t they see this isn’t doing them any good!

If only they knew how much they impacted other people, they’d never be like this.

And instead, substitute more curiosity-driven questions:

What could be going on in their mind that would lead to so many painful feelings?

What kinds of external situations or circumstances might have set them up for feeling this way?

Even though they don’t like feeling sad, is there some kind of benefit they might be getting from it?

When you shift from problem-thinking to puzzle-thinking, your mindset becomes driven by curiosity rather than morality, which is far more helpful in an emotionally-intense situation, both for you and the person across from you.

When someone you care about is in a bad mood, try to understand how and why they’re feeling the way they are rather than how it can be fixed.