HONOLULU – National Park Service Director Dan Smith, an army veteran of the Vietnam War, announced on Friday that he would close the USS Arizona Memorial until all the war memorials “woke their asses up and got some goddamn visitors.”

The USS Arizona memorial, which preserves and interprets the site of eight battleships lost in the Pearl Harbor Attack of 1941, is one of the National Park Service’s most popular military history attractions. Although the site routinely brings in 4,000 to 5,000 visitors per day, Smith quoted the wisdom of many drill sergeants when he told the park that it was only as good as its weakest war memorial.

“You think you’re going to engage Americans in thoughtful reflection about the past? Help visitors make sense of the present by remembering the past? Not with that bullshit attitude about only teaching the visitors that show up. Until parks like Tupelo National Battlefield can meet the standard, everyone is going to feel the pain,” said Smith, before kicking the last of the Park Rangers out of the USS Arizona Memorial into the driving rain.