a modest proposal for BYU-friendly “gay-marriage cards”

by Averyl Dietering

Last Tuesday, the BYU Bookstore made the headlines when greeting cards celebrating same-sex marriage were accidentally displayed in the store and then pulled from their shelves. The cards read “Mr. and Mr.” and “Mrs. and Mrs.,” and were apparently placed by a Hallmark employee who was unaware of BYU’s feelings about students who are heterosexual, but struggle with same-sex attraction. You can read the Salt Lake Tribune’s coverage of the story here. I tried to access the Deseret News’s article about the cards, but either they didn’t write an article or the article was so holy that it was received into heaven moments after publication.

Many people have tried to use the BYU Bookstore’s same-sex marriage card scandal–or missionary opportunity, as I would like to call it–to accuse BYU of homophobia and bigotry. But these people obviously do not understand BYU’s attitude towards people who are naturally heterosexual but have homo tendencies that they will have to eventually repent of. They think that BYU hates gays, but actually, BYU loves them. In fact, BYU loves them so much that they enforce an honor code to prevent these confused homo-heteros from entering into unnatural, non-traditional relationships with other confused young people.

Naysayers of BYU aside, the greeting card scandal has opened up a platform to talk about a very important question (and of course this question is not women’s ordination, because that question has been satisfactorily answered. get out.). Namely, what kind of card should a righteous, opposite-sex loving, traditional marriage supporting, young Mormon BYU student send when they are invited to a same-sex marriage? Where can they find a card that sends a Christ-like message of love and acceptance while also sending a Boyd K. Packer-like message of hellfire and damnation?

Well, look no further. We here at Young Mormon Feminists have developed a line of BYU-appropriate cards for sending to your friends and family who enter into non-traditional same-sex marriages or civil unions or… domestic partnerships… or whatever. See for yourself! Our line of greeting cards is the perfect solution for any same-sex wedding invitation.

This design is especially popular among fans of 80s glam rock and Disney’s The Lion King.

[courtesy of Curtis Penfold]

This card is a missionary opportunity to talk about missionary opportunities!

We’re also coming out with releasing an “Orange Is the New Black” version of this card soon.

A favorite among our older customers.

Quoting the scriptures is always the right answer.

Anyone here a fan of The Testaments? I think we can all agree that entering into a same-sex partnership is similar to entering into a financial partnership with Korihor. Amirite?

Some Mormons still believe that people of different ethnic backgrounds should not marry because it isn’t good to mix blood from different Hebrew tribes. But that’s totally not racist. And we’re totally not sexist, either.

Mormons defend traditional marriage between ONE MAN and ONE *cough* or more *cough* WOMEN.

Thanks for taking the time to view our cards! If you have any ideas for your own BYU-approved same-sex marriage cards, post them in the comments below!

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