Lauren: Very concerned about a study she just read about [LITERALLY EVERYTHING].

FB Post: Hi Mamas!!! Not here to judge, but wondering where you all stand on screen time? I only ask because Savannah has yet to see a screen of any kind, and we're hoping to keep it that way until she's about three. It's hard to do when our playgroups include littles with their own iPads. Would love to host a separate meetup with other parents trying to keep their kids away from screen!

Cedar: Has named all of her children after trees. Runs a "small business" selling homemade dream catchers from found objects

FB Post: Hello, everyone! As you may know, we are looking for childcare for our three boys. I'm hoping to find a vegan au pair with a background in music therapy who can work 30-40 hours per week. No budget for paid work right now, but I will barter my energy healing services for the right candidate. All leads appreciated, Namaste.

Lydia: Definitely keeps a secret diary of who she hates. You're in it.

FB Post: Hi everyone. Just wanted to check in with a quick temperature check on playground etiquette. I've been noticing a lot of aggressive behavior at our meetups lately, and it's making me and Samson both uncomfortable. We're raising him as a pacifist, and "tag" is a little aggressive for him. Hoping we can redirect that energy into a more inclusive game like "don't touch the lava?" Let's discuss.

Erin: Has never met a meme she didn't like. Or share. On your wall. Every night. After she's had a bottle of rose.

FB Post: KEEP CALM AND DRINK WINE

LOLOLOL Right @Lydia @Emily @Cedar ?!?!?!

Melissa: Very offended.

FB Post: Hi everyone! Just wanted to let everyone know that St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and I want to make sure that we're being culturally sensitive to those around us of Irish descent. I know leprechauns are cute, but they can be an offensive stereotype to many Irish people, so let's not dress our littles up for our March 17 meet-up, okay?

Val: Only refers to her husband as "hubs," is one failed playdate away from a nervous breakdown

Sarah: Has lots of great tips on natural birth, breastfeeding, potty training, defiant behavior, food allergies, and vaccines. Knows you buy your birthday cakes at the grocery store and looks down on you for it. 100 percent hates all of you and your half-assed mothering.

FB Post: Sarah shared a link: 10 Ways Your Makeup Could Kill Your Baby

Kelly: Lists every piece of used, worn-out baby clothing, gear, or toys in separate posts. Price is always "make an offer!" There are never, ever any offers.

FB Post: Last chance for this box of used onesies from ten years ago, mamas!!!! Most still have snaps, and just a little bit of staining around the butt and neck!!!

Liz: Uses 600 hashtags on her posts. #mothering #realmoms #momlife #hotmom #momoftheyear #jesusliztakeabreak

Stephanie: Has joined at least three pyramid schemes. Will not stop trying to invite you to her newest "opportunity," shilling her latest "life changing!!!" product or trying to get you to buy things in the comfort of her sister-in-laws' suburban living room at a "no pressure" shopping party she's invited 300 strangers to.

FB Post: Have you heard??? The mascara that will change your life is (finally!!!) here. I've left my boring, regular job as Nelson Accounting Services to pursue my passion full time: helping YOU become (more) beautiful. Join me for a NO PRESSURE shopping party at my sister's house on Friday night. We'll have WINE, snacks, and plenty of new beauty products for you to try out!!! For those of you who are also a part of my Sexy Romance and Personalized Tote Bag groups, I'm still an independent consultant for both of those revolutionary brands, but wanted to diversify into an area I'm passionate about – BEAUTY! (Lipstick emoji). Please please please get in touch if you need to switch up your beauty routine. Or if you need any new kitchen utensils, I am still selling those, too! #mompreneur.

You: The only normal one.

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Nora McInerny Purmort is the author of It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too). She is a contributing editor to ELLE.com.

Nora McInerny Purmort Nora McInerny Purmort is the author of It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too).

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