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“How I Threatened To Burn My Professor At The Stake”

.: Many of you by now have heard this story. Either I told you over the phone, through AIM, or in person. It’s a long story, and for the first time I’m going to write down as much of it as I can.

.: It all starts with a lecture in my Introduction to Neuroscience class. The professor, Dr. Patton, made a demonstration with two very important and influential books: The Bible and the Origin of Species. The lecture can be summarized in these four lines:

Holding up the Bible: “This is not a science book.”

Holding up the Origin of Species: “This is.”

Holding up the Bible again: “This is a book about relationships with God.”

Holding up the Origin of Species again: “This isn’t.”

.: This is a very basic idea that many people, unfortunately, do not yet grasp or are unwilling to understand. As Dr. Patton informally stated later: “The Bible says nothing about how I should repair my car. That’s not why it exists.” However, a student in the class did not agree with Dr. Patton and was deeply offended by his remarks. In a show of defiance, he walked out of the class mid-lecture in front of everybody. His name is Christopher Stone.

.: Later that evening, I received an email by Mr. Stone. He had sent it to almost everybody in the class, with the exception of the professors. (Intro to Neuroscience is a team-taught course; there are five professors.) I now reproduce his email in full:

Hi, Most of you have no idea who I am, though some of you I know personally. To identify myself better, I am the guy who walked out of class today. In fact, that is why I am emailing all of you. I realize many of you will not like or even agree with what I am about to say so feel free to delete this now if you’d like, but if you have a few moments I have something to say that you might like to hear. The reason I walked out of class today is because I am a Christian. Unashamedly so. And after Friday’s performance by Dr. Patton I had prepared myself to do just that very thing if my beliefs were once again attacked. Sure enough they were, so I left. I don’t know if anyone else has been deeply offended by some of the things Dr. Patton has said, but my guess is yes because of the usual make-up of Baylor Students. I’ve been thinking about what I should do in response — I can’t very well let my faith be trampled upon and I have no intention of doing so, but as a student I’m not given a lot of options. According to our syllabus we can miss 11 classes before we fail, and Dr. Patton is responsible for 5 more. I plan on attending the first few minutes of Wednesday’s lecture, but beyond that I intend to boycott by being absent from his lectures. This may be crazy or irrational, but it is the only recourse I have. I’d like to invite any and every one to do the same. Any who are interested in joining me, I will remain in the hall outside of the classroom for the remainder of his lectures. If you would like to join me, I’d like to hear from you and you may email me at my Baylor address. If you have any other ideas, I’d love to hear those as well. Thanks for your time. God bless you and please pray for Dr. Patton. Christopher Stone

.: Amazed and amused by such staunch stupidity, I wrote a parody email and sent it to everyone in the class, including the professors. At this point, I had not yet realized that Christopher Stone did not send his email to everybody. I now reproduce my letter in full:

Hi, Most of you have no idea who I am, though some of you I know personally. To identify myself better, I am the guy who walked out of class today. In fact, that is why I am emailing all of you. I realize many of you will not like or even agree with what I am about to say, but rest assured if you delete this email Jesus will frown on you. The reason I walked out of class today is because I am a Christian. Zealously so. And after Friday’s performance by “Dr.” Patton I had prepared myself to do just that very thing if my beliefs were once again attacked by logic and reason and scientific claims that can be proven. Sure enough they were, so I left. I don’t know if anyone else has been deeply offended by some of the things “Dr.” Patton has said, but my guess is yes because of the usual make-up of Baylor Students (70% Christian, 20% Adamantly Christian, 5% Fundamentalist Christians, 4% Fingers-In-The-Ears-La-La-La-La-I-Can’t-Hear-You Christians, and Me.) I’ve been thinking about what I should do in response — I can’t very well let my faith be trampled upon and I have no intention of doing so, but as a student who accidentally signed up for a science course instead of the seminary I’m not given a lot of options. According to the bible, “Thou shalt not suffer a Witch to live.” (Exodus 22:18) I feel strongly that “Dr.” Patton’s heretical teachings in the voodoo field of neuroscience constitutes witchcraft. Therefore, next Wednesday before lecture, I call on my fellow Christians to gather rope and kindling so that we may burn “Dr.” Patton at the stake. It is my firm belief that we must set fire to ALL heretics who seek to destory our most cherished Christian beliefs. This may be crazy or irrational, but it is the only recourse I have that might actually accomplish something. Sure, I could boycott class all semester, but who else aside from me would care? I’d like to invite any and every one to attend the burning. If you would like to join me, I’d like to hear from you and you may email me at my Baylor address. If you have any other ideas (I already considered stoning, drowning, and drawing & quartering but feel fire to be more practical), I’d love to hear those as well. Thanks for your time. God bless you and please pray for “Dr.” Patton. Cody Cobb P.S. If you don’t have any kindling, your textbooks should work just fine.

.: Almost immediately I received praise from fellow students. Most people understood the joke.

.: Most people.

.: Several people did not understand it. My email was sent after Mr. Stone’s so, following the law of stratification, it appeared on the top of many people’s inbox. Naturally, they read that one first. Some read only my email and not Mr. Stone’s; some read both my email and Mr. Stone’s at face value and disagreed with both of us; and some read both my email and Mr Stone’s at face value and agreed with both of us.

.: About this time I noticed my email was sent to certain email addresses that did not receive Mr. Stone’s original email. This led to some confusion. I forwarded Mr. Stone’s email to everyone I could–including the professors–but the damage was already done. At first I was told two students–presumably freshman girls who’ve never had an original thought in their quaint, conservative lives and who were tragically born without irony-detectors–sent a complaint to the Baylor DPS. Later, I was told the other professors in the class also alerted the DPS. They thought I seriously wanted to burn Dr. Patton at the stake. My guess is, in a place like Baylor, that kind of thing goes on all the time.

.: The next morning, after my first class, two Baylor police officers were waiting for me. They escorted me to their office and proceeded to interrogate me. Here is part of the conversation that I can remember:

(The two police officers would trade turns in speaking, but for all intents and purposes they are the same person.)

We received two complaints from students in your neuroscience class about an email you sent to everyone. -Yes? You are aware that what you have done is a felony? You have committed a terrorist act. -Have you read the original email? No, we have not received any original email. -My email is a parody. Christopher Stone wrote the original email and sent it to almost everybody in the class. I wrote a line-by-line parody. Well we got messages from people who thought it was real. In this day and age you cannot do things like this. We have Columbines and 9/11’s all over the place, and we can’t risk this kind of thing. -It’s a joke. I emailed the professor and told him that. It doesn’t matter if it’s a joke. I myself figured it out, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s written on the paper, and you said you were going to burn your professor. -At the stake. It’s satire. I engaged in hyperbole to make a point. You need to read the original email. We’ll get to that. You need to understand that this is no laughing matter. Smirk all you want, but what you’ve done isn’t a joke. -In all honesty I did not think anyone would take it seriously. But some have, so I think I’ve learned a lesson here. Let me get this straight, this is a parody, right? -Yes. Why didn’t you put a note at the bottom telling everyone it was a parody? -In retrospect that would’ve been the smart thing to do. The smart thing would have been not to send this stupid thing out in the first place. Now let me ask you a question: is this an English class? -No. So what are you doing writing stories? -It’s not a story. Yes it is. You said it was a short story parody. -No I didn’t; I said it was a parody. Well don’t you write that in English class? -No.

.: The whole time I thought to myself, “Are these guys eventually going to arrive at some kind of a point in the near future? I can’t believe I’m missing Economics for this.” Alas, they never did go anywhere with their line of reasoning. When I told them that my email was a parody and that they needed to read the original email, they should have stopped what they were doing and let me show them what I was talking about. But they didn’t. The rest of the interrogation proceeded in the same vein. I suppose the two officers were just trying to scare me (“You can seriously go to jail for what you have written, and that’s no joke” x 15), but the whole time I was simply astonished by their utter lack of logical reasoning. Had Socrates been present, he would have weeped.

.: “It doesn’t matter that it was a joke,” they told me. “What matters is that your joke could be read a certain way that indicates a terroristic threat.”

.: In my affidavit, I used the introductory paragraph to explain and diagram the definitions of Satire, Hyperbole, and Irony–they never read those things anyway, do they? After I signed my confession, they told me that I could not go to class tomorrow. Otherwise, I was free to go.

.: After I was released, I immediately called my sister, my brother, my mother, my girlfriend, my dad, my grandmother, and my grandfather. Three of those people got in touch with my great uncle, who was the head coach of all athletics at Baylor. It’s nice to have connections.

.: After communicating with all of those people, I received an email from Dr. Patton. He called the Baylor DPS and told them to let me back into class. My short term as a terrorist was finally over.

.: This morning, I returned to Intro to Neuroscience, somewhat sick to my stomach. Dr. Patton explained the whole situation to the class without naming names, but it was pretty obvious that the guy slouching way down in his seat on the front row was me. He made a joke to me before class started:

“If you want I can go get my coat tree and we can use that as a stake.”

.: What a great guy.

.: And now, with all that said, I have a few reflections I’d like to share with you:

~Some people are not college material. They do not know how to think critically nor are they willing to learn. They are everywhere.

~American entertainment is sorely lacking in irony and subtlety. Everything is too loud and too obvious. At least, that’s my assessment. When people cannot discern that I am joking when I say I am offended by “logic and reason and scientific claims that can be proven,” I am simply amazed.

~If Jonathan Swift were alive in America today, would he be accused of eating babies?

~Black & White thinking is terrible and dehumanizing, as exemplified by the police officers who interrogated me. When someone with authority tells you, “Well, we can’t let you do this, otherwise we’ll have to let everyone do it too,” they are basically admitting that their argument is crap. They cannot explain why what you did in a particular situation is bad, only that such actions could conceivably be bad. This is not acceptable.

~I do not feel more secure.

UPDATE: More interesting comments to be found here

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