With President Obama, the United States was supposedly getting a worldly figure who had lived in other lands and understood the foreign brain.

Turns out Obama has little knowledge of how other cultures think, which is why he believes bowing, offering the hand of friendship, and apologizing to overseas savages works.

Such activities, as any veteran of the schoolyard playground will tell you, breed only one thing: Disrespect, contempt, and, eventually, even worse violence.

It’s becoming clear that the more the United States apologizes to Afghanistan for burning a few Korans, the more Afghans leap into the streets. So White House Dossier has helpfully compiled for Obama a list of ten alternative approaches that the president could have taken to deal with the problem.

None, we believe, will be any less effective than “I apologize.”

Here they are.

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1. Dedicate a round of golf to the people of Afghanistan.

2. Send Michelle for a symbolic vacation to Jalalabad.

3. Ask the Afghans if they’d like the Russians back instead.

4. Head to a local Afghan restaurant and bow to the wait staff.

5. Offer to make Afghanistan’s heroin “The Official Heroin of the United States.”

6. Give Afghan children a permanent exemption from Michelle’s “Let’s Move” school lunch offerings.

7. Provide unlimited, free doses of Prozac to the entire adult population of Afghanistan.

8. Change the lyrics of O Tannenbaum to O Taliban.

9. Set up a program to provide virgins to Afghan men who refuse to commit suicide bombings.

10. Demand an apology from Afghanistan for the more than 1,800 U.S. forces killed since the start of the war.