I have read my share of Thought Catalog in the past few months, and it seems like men have really tiptoed around the subject of holding women to some kind of a standard. Well, I’m going to ignore that paradigm and speak on what I think men look for in a woman. So, here is yet another listicle for our wonderful readership.

1. Stay in Shape

We want to be aroused by the sight of you being naked. People can argue the pitfalls of the BMI scale all they want, but for the average Jane, it works just fine. Men don’t want a bag of bones, nor do they want a woman who looks like she is smuggling beach balls. I suggest 3-4 times a week of cardio-esque activity. Regarding your diet…you do not need to starve yourself; you do not need those greasy chips either.

2. Lay Off the Body Modification

Men gravitate to natural hair color, tasteful and coverable tattoos (if any at all), and piercings that are not out of control and all over the place.

3. Make Your Own Money

When it comes to money, men really couldn’t care less if you make a whole lot, but you need to be making enough so that you are not a financial drain on him. If you make more than him, more power to you, just refrain from throwing it in his face like some form of one-upmanship.

4. Be Feminine

Men want to date WOMEN, not men with vaginas.

5. Be Submissive

This kind of overlaps with being feminine. As much as the word has been made into a negative, being submissive is a good thing, and it’s not synonymous with being a door mat or that you have no voice in the relationship. Seriously, heaven forbid you do a little back bending for the sake of pleasing YOUR man because you want to keep him interested in you. Personally I think feminism has turned relationships that are supposed to be loving into their own little battlefields. Rub his back, watch what he wants to watch, suck him off. A GOOD man will reciprocate, and placate to the things you want and make sure you are also happy.

6. Sex Life

Men want a woman that has a healthy sex drive and few past sexual partners. That means that you and your past boyfriend had a lot of sex. It does not mean that you were the town bicycle. We get it, you want to be able to sleep with the college football team and not be judged for it the same way he ran through the cheerleading squad (insert “Master Key/Shitty Lock” analogy). Life isn’t fair. Get used to it. The average Joe will never see that many women anyway. Men also do not want a woman that leverages sex as a way to get what she wants. That is a pretty good indicator that she really is not all that interested in sex [with him] in the first place.

7. Be Intelligent

No man wants a woman that cannot flex her mental muscles.

8. Be Childfree

This is kind of the not-so-secret secret. Men don’t want instant families, nor do they want the ultimate form of cuckoldry that is raising another man’s child. This goes double if you have multiple children and/or if your children are biracial. It does not matter if your child’s father was abusive, a deadbeat, a good man, or hit by a bus tragically. The bottom line is that you have a child, and it does not belong to the eligible bachelors out there.

Fun fact: In many states, if your child starts to view him as a father figure and you two eventually break up, you can sue him for child support. No, he does not have to legally adopt you your child either. Look up laws such as “equitable doctrine of estoppel” and “psychological parent doctrine.”

9. Be Willing to Cook at Least Three Times a Week

I wish I knew where things had taken a turn for the worst in terms of women’s progress, but apparently the domestic ability of being able to feed yourself without ordering takeout or putting some TV dinner in the microwave has fallen by the wayside.

10. Put Down the Phone

We get it, your bathroom selfie just got you 40 likes on Facebook/Instagram and boosted your ego for the next 15 minutes. Then you just bought the newest chamomile tea from the coffee shop that is SOOO delicious, and you need to tweet about it and send a Snapchat to your bestie while you are driving home from work (that light up ahead is red, btw). Perhaps you should unplug from the matrix long enough to realize that there is a living breathing person in close proximity trying to interact with you. This is why my friends and I stack our phones on the table in front of us when we are at a restaurant/bar instead of only partially paying attention to the present company. It is simply amazing how many things stop being “awkward” when you learn to not use one of your various electronic screens as an emotional buffer.

11. Ease Up on the Makeup

The less the better. It is bad enough that the makeup industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that essentially tells women that they are ugly. What is even worse is that half of you come out of the house looking like Bozo the Clown. Maybe you should throw away the Maybelline, and work with what you were born with.

12. Stop Cussing

Coming from someone who is a United States Sailor, it really is not attractive to have a girlfriend that cusses like one. If you think you are such a fucking lady, you had damn well better act like it for once.

13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends

9 out of 10 of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyway. Men know how other men think. The first guy that comes to comfort you after a big fight will also be the first one to say “he’s not good enough for you” in order to sabotage the relationship, and then he’ll be the first one to try to get into your pants after he convinces you that your man is a creep. It’s not about having trust issues. It’s about knowing how people act. Trust is earned, not immediately granted.

6 Pre-Emptive Answering To Counterargument Sound Bites:

A. “You don’t speak for every man out there.” These attributes operate on a bell curve, and more men sit underneath the curve than amongst the outliers. Obviously not every man wants every single trait on here, but the less that you deviate from the standard the more “marketable” you are.

B.“That goes both ways.” Nice observation. You are fully at liberty to have the same standard(s) for the men you date. You should write an article about it.

C. “Don’t tell me what to do or how to be.” You can take all of this with a grain of salt for all I care. I am just giving you some insight into the minds of men once the filter has been taken off.

D. “My boyfriend loves me just the way I am.” “I don’t have XYZ, and I have lot of men chasing after me.” Good for you. Everybody settles in some aspect. Holding out for the partner that is perfect in every way is a fool’s errand. He has simply learned to accept your faults. Stop deluding yourself. The thirst is strong these days. A saying I heard less than a week ago was, “If you have standards, you’re just cock-blocking yourself.” Some men will take whatever they can get.

E. “[Insert random hostile comment that attacks me directly.]” Ad hominem. Debate the ideas presented. You will be more productive that way.

F. “I would do this, but….” You can rationalize it all you want. It still doesn’t detract from what men want. You can’t argue someone into finding you attractive.