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The shocking rates of assaults on emergency staff in Australia has today resulted in state government action in both Victorian and New South Wales.

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has today announced that from next month, paramedics will be equipped with dodgy blokes named Caleb, complete with shitty tatts and a chesty TapOut t-shirt.

“This is imperative to helping our paramedics help us. It is never okay to assault a paramedic”

The decade-long trend of attacks on officers, which has risen significantly, with the prevalence of drugs, alcohol and family violence – has left Australia’s already exhausted emergency staff at serious risk of verbal and physical assault.

Data provided by NSW Ambulance shows six out of every 10 incidents of assault and abuse experienced by paramedics involved suspected alcohol or drug use. This has also forced the hand of NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian.

“Following the trend started by Victorian to prevent attacks on our valued emergency staff, we too will be sending dodgy half-pissed roid boys on the road with our paramedics to combat assaults”

“Only our anti-assault staff will be named Kane, and they’ll be made up of citizens that are completing community service for drink driving and public nuisance”

“These young men will be given the duty of towelling up anyone showing signs of assaulting our valued paramedics”

While assaults on paramedics are, comparatively, much lower in the state of Queensland, Premier Palaszczuk has already announced plans to send members of the Broncos U19s for ambulance ride-alongs, in a similarly-styled program.