ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday. “At 0115 hours this morning, Fresca operatives forcibly took command of 97 percent of the nation’s most vital consumer segment,” said Fresca spokesperson April Flansberg, describing to reporters how strike units were deployed in cities throughout the country to overtake key strongholds formerly held by Apple, Timberland, Uber, and Pinkberry, among others. “They are all loyal to us now. By sundown, we will have secured the entire millennial demographic and ensured that Fresca is the number-one beverage choice of college students, recent graduates, and young professionals in both hip urban neighborhoods and affluent suburban areas.” Analysts described the campaign as the most audacious operation since 2013, when SodaStream captured young white couples with combined incomes between $90,000 and $160,000 in a bloody coup that left more than 1,500 marketing professionals dead.

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