Here at Cracked Labs, we're working to make the world a better place. The whole "website" thing was an accident resulting from early experiments on what too much Internet does to the human brain, and early court orders dictating that we were responsible for the tragic results.



"Columnist" sounds so much nicer than "Extremely Failed Test Result."

Scientists at CERN recently announced the discovery of a Higgs-like particle, the culmination of decades of genius, but there's an empty spot in our cocktail cabinet, so we figured we'd scoop their Nobel Prize. Because we've already found a practical application for it. Interaction with the Higgs field is what gives particles mass; therefore, there will be more Higgs interactions near denser objects, so we can use Higgs particles as a tricorder for finding thick-skulled idiots. Our new system is already working: Scanning a spectrum from the New York Times through Twitter to the Daily Mail, the Higgs announcement has revealed thousands of idiots all over the world!