James Harden Plays Morally Deficient Basketball

How to hate the reigning NBA MVP

“Harden Durant 2013 playoffs” by 2O is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0; photo cropped from original

There will come a time, probably 30–40 years from now, when some basketblogger scrolling through Basketball Reference, or whatever the 30-40-years-from-now equivalent is, will come upon James Harden’s statistics and build an impassioned case for his greatness. Said basketblogger will wonder why Harden was not acclaimed as the greatest player of his generation, ascribing it to the backwardness of the past or the narrowmindedness of our current age.

This stat-monger (and Lord knows there are plenty of them around already, but at least most of them watch the games still) will build their case for Harden’s surpassing greatness upon Harden’s “efficiency,” or his True Shooting Percentage, or his PER, or his net rating, or his VORP, or some other unholy futuristic statistic that Sloan Conference types have yet to invent. To this futuristic statistician, James Harden will appear to be an underappreciated genius, the Van Gogh or Faulkner of 2010s NBA basketball, unreasonably despised in spite of his unmatched ability and achievements.

This decades-from-now basketblogger will be wrong, and for posterity’s sake it is important to record to what degree and in how many ways they will be wrong.

In fact it is not just important; it is our moral duty. It is essential to the survival of not just the American people, but the entire human species. If James Harden is ever universally acclaimed as a basketball genius at some ungodly future time, then the time will truly have come to drop the bomb and exterminate them all like Kurtz said.

The facts

Here are the facts: James Harden is a cowardly trickster, a flopper, a ref-baiter, a whiner, and the most unwatchable “superstar” since Jerry Stackhouse shot 38% for the Detroit Pistons.

Harden is about as effective as a gust of wind on defense, and on offense he relies upon a hateful combination of referee-baiting, endless stationary dribbling, and the defense’s incompetence. Nobody who is not either a Houston Rockets fan or an attention-seeking contrarian (the internet breeds attention-seeking contrarians like rabbits, especially among our current basketball media) denies these facts. Nobody who has made an attempt to sit through 48 minutes of Houston Rockets basketball in recent years could deny these facts.

In spite of these plainly obvious and roundly acknowledged facts, many well-intentioned yet overthinking basketball writers whom I respect have built a case for James Harden’s greatness.

Their arguments for his style of play go roughly as follows: Harden works within a system that he did not create but knows how to exploit. Harden plays smart. By sticking to three-pointers, layups, shameless flops that referees constantly and inexcusably fall for, and kickout passes to stationary teammates for more three-pointers, he is following the incentives that the rules of the NBA and the facts of basketball have put in place — following them to their logical conclusion. Three-pointers, layups, and free throws are the most efficient shots after all, no matter how you get them (thus run the arguments). Harden is not cowardly or despicable to drive to the basket after dribbling for 22 seconds and then throw his arms up and flop if he is not totally 100% open for a layup — instead, he is smart.

James Harden and laissez-faire capitalist exploitation

What such Harden apologists fail to realize is that James Harden is Gordon Gekko, and that by excusing or even lauding his behavior they are as bad as the weak-willed, morally deficient stockholders who collect their dividends with a smile while Gekko slashes companies to the ground and screws over the working women and men of America.

Unscrupulous capitalists like Gekko (who is fictional, but who has almost unlimited real-world parallels) behave in ways that are morally inexcusable by almost any standard, and yet because their actions are not technically illegal and in fact are in line with capitalism’s incentives, they are excused by society and even applauded for their “business smarts.” This is how Wall Street has been able to screw us over for decades.

An MVP vote for James Harden is a vote for the kind of men who caused the Great Recession.

James Harden’s Aesthetic, or lack thereof

Harden’s style of play may be technically within the rules, or even encouraged by the rules, but it is morally indefensible, and it is painful to watch. I hope to God that Harden does not have young imitators. If I have to watch too many more stutter-step-jab-step-leap-into-the-defender-throw-arms-in-the-air-wait-for-the-whistle plays, I will finally make the full switch to the NHL, where the dirty, cheating players at least have enough backbone to defend their actions with their fists.

There’s lies, there’s damned lies, and then there’s statistics, as the man said. In James Harden’s case, the statistics tell real whoppers. Future generations: Let the record show that James Harden is a spineless no-defense clown who has wasted his considerable talent (yes, he does have talent) to become the NBA’s answer to the several hundred European soccer players currently writhing on the ground with phantom injuries. Let the record show that Harden is a faker and a flopper, containing less actual basketball value than a Twinkie has nutrition. Future basketbloggers: Turn off the laptop, stop looking at the gaudy statistics, and just believe me when I tell you that James Harden sucks.

And thank the Lord that Chris Paul got hurt in the conference finals last year, because James Harden sure had the Warriors on the ropes...