OPINION

Getting married as a 22-year-old set me apart from most millennials, but my own experience made me ask: Why does my generation wait so long to wed?

Brendan Clarey | Opinion contributor

Millennials like to take their lives into their own hands. They prove it by posting their travels on Instagram (#WanderLust). They wholeheartedly pursue their jobs and hobbies. Those in my generation strive to pour themselves into something that defines them.

Except we seem unable to commit to the same level in our relationships: Only a quarter of my generation is married, while 86 percent of single people near millennial age say they want to be at some point.

Not everyone — some people don’t want to get hitched and that’s fine, but many say they do and aren’t doing anything. When millennials do get married, they end up walking down the aisle at a median age of 28.

Our generation has basically flipped the norms of years gone by: In 1965, 78 percent of people ages 21-36 were married at the typical age of 22.

This means that, with my marriage just over a month ago at 22, I accomplished my relationship goals six years before my generation’s average. It also means acquaintances often congratulate me on my wedding just before asking, “How old are you?” This question prompted me to wonder why so many millennials are forgoing domestic bliss for years and years.

Dating is hard, but it gets easier with practice

I asked Jennifer Murff, Ph.D., the president of Millennials for Marriage and an adjunct professor at Regent University, about these trends, and she said it partly boils down to fear. It seems that my generation is too risk-averse to start and commit to the relationships so many say they want.

Murff said millennials don’t know how to date anymore, and I think she’s right. I admit, it wasn’t easy for me to ask my crush (and future wife) on an actual date junior year of college. There was so much riding on it — namely my pride — and she could say no to another date if we ever got past the first one. What if she wasn’t into me?

But dating gets easier the more you do it. We enjoyed ourselves throughout our courtship by going on car rides, watching movies, and grabbing dinner. What started as dating turned into a relationship, and now we’re married.

The concept is simple: Have fun, get to know the other person, then take it to the next level. If it doesn’t work out, nothing’s lost and experience is gained.

If my generation has a hard time meeting people and starting relationships, it’s no wonder that they have a hard time plighting their troth. I met some of my friend’s housemates this summer, and after mentioning my weekend plans were to wed, one young woman among them joked that I should chat up her boyfriend. She said they had been dating for four years, and it seemed like she thought their status wasn’t about to change anytime soon.

Murff said it’s common for the 24 percent of millennials whose parents are separated or divorced to have a skewed or damaged view of marriage, because of what they’ve seen. They’re afraid their marriage will end in the familiar shambles they grew up with.

This is reinforced by a common perception that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. But that dismal statistic is inaccurate. The New York Times reported in 2014 that 89 percent of college-educated couples who married in the early 2000s were still married seven years later. A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study found that college-educated women have a 78 percent chance of a marriage lasting 20 years while their male counterparts have a 65 percent chance.

Your mentality matters. Millennials like to challenge the culture, so challenge the divorce rate. Approach marriage without accounting for the possibility of divorce. Statistics don’t determine whether marriages succeed or fail — you do.

Marriages work if you make them work

Why not test a romantic relationship before jumping into the long-haul commitment? Psychologists have found cohabiting is more harmful than helpful for long-term relationship success: It increases anxiety and aggression, and lowers relationship confidence. The CDC study cited above also says that those who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce in the long run.

Statistically speaking, it makes more sense to exchange vows and rings if you’re already dating someone than to keep on testing the relationship for years.

Besides fear of divorce, Murff said millennials are afraid they might not choose the right person. My advice as a married man of several weeks? Nobody is perfect (sorry, sweetheart). Waiting for a relationship that requires no effort means waiting forever. Real love takes real work.

A marriage starts with commitment, and it doesn’t end until you die. Maybe that scares young people enough to date longer than a presidential term with just as little to show for it. Maybe that explains why someone I had never met would half-jokingly ask me to draw her boyfriend a map to the nearest jeweler. Maybe he should follow the map and finally buy an engagement ring. And maybe the 86 percent of my generation who are still waiting around should, too.