Who's Bill This Time?

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "the Duller report," "Oprah makes fruit salad" and "take a hike, ladies!"

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Complete and total excitation - it's the Biller report.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Thank you, all.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We've got a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Andrew Rannells, the star of "Girls" on HBO and "Black Monday" on Showtime and of course the original star of "The Book Of Mormon" on Broadway. Now, if you don't know that show, it's the one so incredibly and hilariously obscene that the only part of the score we can play for you is this.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HELLO!")

ANDREW RANNELLS: (As Elder Price, singing) Hello.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's it. That's all you get. If you want to hear more, send your children out of the room and turn it on. We'll try to keep our conversation with him PG rated; also with you. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TONY CINCA: Hi. I'm Tony, and I'm from Jacksonville Beach, Fla.

SAGAL: Jacksonville Beach, Fla. - that's where things get crazy - right? - and spring break, right?

CINCA: Yeah. I'm actually friends with Florida Man, the redheaded guy that did the hurricane video.

SAGAL: Oh, really?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you, Florida men, do you, like, compete to try to be the, like - top the last Florida Man? Is that, like, a point of pride for you all now?

CINCA: It's really more like - there's not even any point trying because the meth head down the street is going to bring an alligator into a 7-Eleven, and there's nothing you can do to top it.

SAGAL: That's true. Just give up now. Well, welcome to the show, Tony. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian who will be headlining at Theatre 99 in Charleston, S.C., on Wednesday, April 3. It's Hari Kondabolu.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian whose debut comedy album, "Babylon Ball Z," is available on all streaming platforms. It's Brian Babylon.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally a comedian performing May 3 in Denver at the Paramount Theatre and May 10 in Seattle at the Moore Theatre, it's the co-host of "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone" - it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey.

SAGAL: So, Tony, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course - explain or identify just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?

CINCA: Yeah. Let's do it.

SAGAL: Let's do it. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "No collusion, no obstruction, complete and total exoneration."

SAGAL: That was the president celebrating something that literally said, quote, "it does not exonerate the president." What was it?

CINCA: It's the Mueller report.

SAGAL: The Mueller report...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Or the bar summary thereof.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Mueller report was submitted to the attorney general last weekend, and according to his brief summary, it says the president did not do the thing he totally did. Republicans were thrilled. Democrats were devastated. But if you want to feel sorry for somebody, how about Mike Pence? He found out last weekend he's not going to be president after all.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But the people who are really upset are the hardcore Mueller fans, the ones who bought the Mueller time T-shirts and the mugs and the candles and in one sad but true case, the guy who got Robert Mueller's face tattooed on his arm. He's now telling everybody it's actually a Japanese symbol that means serenity.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know what's driving me crazy?

SAGAL: What, Paula?

POUNDSTONE: Even the answer to this question - it's not the Mueller report. It's the bar report.

SAGAL: Right.

POUNDSTONE: It just - I'll tell something. I just read the bar summary of "A Tale Of Two Cities," and it's one line. And he says - Dickens says, it was the best of times.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now...

HARI KONDABOLU: It was such a disappointing conclusion to the whole thing. I mean, it's like, you know, is it obstruction of justice or not? He's, like, such - it's, like, talking to a crappy therapist. Like, so is it obstruction of justice? Do you think it's obstruction of justice?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: How do you feel about his (unintelligible)?

KONDABOLU: Exactly. I mean, did he also write the end of "The Sopranos?" Like just - what happened? What happened? Is he dead or not?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Tony, your next quote is from none other than Oprah.

KURTIS: They're in a billion pockets, y'all, a billion pockets.

SAGAL: Oprah was talking about the advantages of working with a ubiquitous big tech company. She joined forces with them this week for a big announcement. What is that company?

CINCA: Oh, God, I actually have no idea.

SAGAL: Well, this happened at their big event in Cupertino at their headquarters. The fact that their products are in a billion pockets is kind of a clue.

CINCA: Oh, Hot Pockets?

(LAUGHTER)

CINCA: Somebody whispered in my ear.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Two points - two points. First of all, was the person who whispered in that ear an actual friend of yours? And secondly, it's not right. But I just would love to live in a world in which Oprah came out and announced her alliance with Hot Pockets.

KONDABOLU: Wait.

SAGAL: Hot Pockets.

KONDABOLU: Back up a second. Wait a second. Wait. So you gave him the clue that it's in, you know...

SAGAL: Billions of pockets.

KONDABOLU: You put Hot Pockets in your actual pockets, sir?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's why they call them that.

CINCA: Florida is a bizarre place.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You're right. No, it's not Hot Pockets. Like I said, it was a tech company.

(LAUGHTER)

CINCA: Is it an Apple product?

SAGAL: It is an apple thing, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Man.

SAGAL: At this week's big Apple event, they didn't introduce any new Apple devices 'cause, seriously, at this point, what's left? The Apple IUD?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No. Instead, they said they were getting into two new kinds of businesses - first, Apple TV. They brought out a bunch of big stars like Oprah Winfrey to tell us they would be putting out new original programming. Everybody was so excited because they thought Oprah was the new Apple product. It's like Siri except she tells you what to do. Oprah, what's the weather like? If you believe in yourself, the sun never stops shining on you.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, I'm wondering if, now that Apple has heard you mention the IUD...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...If they won't - now I'm not - I am not a biology expert nor a sex master.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Would it be accurate to say that if there was a camera on the IUD, it would see the sperm going by?

BRIAN BABYLON: It would have - it would have to be, like, a special slow-motion camera, but technically we can work that in there.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

KONDABOLU: Do we want the government having that?

POUNDSTONE: They already do.

BABYLON: They already have that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

BABYLON: Well, they announced, too, that it was, like, Apple credit card.

SAGAL: Yes.

BABYLON: And then Apple Arcade.

SAGAL: Yes.

BABYLON: So now I don't know how Apple's getting into the bank business, but this is...

POUNDSTONE: It's going to get creepier. There's going to come a time where you go, like, achoo and you go, oh, I just spent 50 bucks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It will be, however, the first credit card ever to have really crappy battery life.

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: You know, knowing Apple, you're going to have to probably buy a special reader and then a special adapter and then a special plug and...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's true.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: That's absolutely true.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: "Even Barbie got to go to space."

SAGAL: That was a woman named Kristine Ziwica on Twitter reacting to the news that NASA had canceled what historic first they had scheduled for this week?

CINCA: It was supposed to be the first all-female spacewalk...

SAGAL: You're exactly right.

CINCA: ...But they didn't have the suits.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A few weeks ago on this show, we celebrated this planned landmark in space exploration, the first all-woman spacewalk. But it was canceled. And why? Because they didn't have enough spacesuits in women's sizes.

BABYLON: Is that true?

SAGAL: It is true. It always stinks when you find the perfect outfit to keep your blood from boiling out in the vacuum of space and they don't have it in your size. The question is - right? - it turns out, like, literally they have, like, only one spacesuit that fits a woman, so the second woman couldn't go. And the question is, why couldn't NASA just make another one? It's a cliche to say, you know, they put a man in the moon and they can't do this. These are literally the people who put a man on the moon.

POUNDSTONE: That is just weird that they wouldn't have one other spacesuit hanging around.

KONDABOLU: Well, it's almost like NASA...

POUNDSTONE: You know what it is? It's because they throw their stuff down when they're done from their trip. They don't put their clothes away neatly, and then they don't have them.

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: Or they could've just checked, like, the thrift stores because you know someone Marie Kondo'd one of those things on one of those days. Bill, how did Tony do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Tony did perfect. Good for you, Tony.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Tony.

(APPLAUSE)

CINCA: Thanks so much, Peter. It was great to be on the show.

SAGAL: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "OUTER SPACE GIRLS")

SPICE GIRLS: (Singing) Outer space girls, we're rockin' to the moon, outer space girls, a universal groove, outer space girls, g-force with a zoom, outer space girls, look out Venus, we'll be comin' soon...

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