In a recent move the International Cricket Council (ICC) has announced that following consultation with various biologists, virologists, and other medical professionals the grave decision to permanently ban bats from the sport has been taken, and thus suspending all play for the foreseeable future. Fans, players, and shareholders alike have been very unhappy with the decision, taking great issue with so drastically altering the sport they know and love.

President of the council Mr Shashank Manohar announced the following on Friday: “It appears that there is scientific consensus that bats are breeding grounds for a host of pathogens, viruses and other diseases, as such we have a moral obligation to permanently ban bats.” He further indicated that the ICC as well as the various national bodies are working in close connection with sporting goods manufacturers affected by the decision. “It should be clear to all involved in the process that worker and player have to be our first priority. We thus call on every fan to bear with us during this difficult time.” He also mentioned that all existing bats will be safely disposed of through a process of incineration.

A spokesperson of the Australian cricket brand Kookaburra stated that the company has developed various alternative devices to hit the cricket ball with, but that these prototypes are still in early testing phases. He noted that some devices, such as a broom-stick taped to a skateboard, have shown some promise, but overall the results have been lacking. It appears that the best possible implement to hit a cricket ball with has been banned, and no other instrument can come close to matching it in performance.

In further news Bellingham & Smith Cricket has announced that they have parted ways with the former Vice President of Research and Development due to gross misconduct. While no official reason for his dismissal was given, multiple inside sources report that the action was taken due to his suggestion that no change to the cricket-ball-hitting-implement should be made in actuality, but that it merely be ‘rebranded’. Reportedly he went on to suggest a few alternative names for the banned implement, including things such as “hitting stick”, “long boy gobber” and “virus-free-extended-wooden-plank”. It is reported (but unsubstantiated) that the company was horrified at this breach of ethics and ultimately the vice president was let go.

The ICC concluded its announcement on Friday by urging the American MLB (Major League Baseball) to take similar steps, stating “Whilst two different types of bat, there is no evidence that baseball bats are safer than cricket bats at this time.”