Scheduling Error Causes Paul Washer To Preach At Lakewood Church; Thousands Dead

HOUSTON, TX—What seemed to be a harmless mix-up in mistakenly scheduling missionary and preacher Paul Washer to speak to Joel Osteen’s congregation at Lakewood Church turned into tragedy Sunday, as Washer’s fiery sermon saw thousands brutally slaughtered where they sat, sources reported.

From what investigators have been able to piece together so far, Lakewood’s Coach of Vision and Teaching had contacted the agent of deceased actor Paul Walker to schedule a motivational speech, not realizing he had passed away. Walker’s former representative assumed the coach had meant to schedule Paul Washer for the church service, and made the arrangements for Washer to deliver the Word that Sunday.

When the fateful day came, Washer began his message with a brief prayer, which caused several audience members some discomfort. As Washer then looked up at the crowd, congregants knew something was amiss, as his gaze alone caused the deaths of several families seated in the front row of the stadium. By then it was too late, as he began reading out of the fifth chapter of Second Corinthians, causing hundreds of those in attendance to melt into pools of mush.

“A majority of the people present didn’t even make it through the reading of the Word,” a spokesperson for Washer’s HeartCry Missionary Society noted Monday. “Some of them apparently tried to escape out the emergency exits, but Washer declared, ‘I don’t know why you’re leaving. I’m talking about you!’ causing their instant and complete implosion. There was blood everywhere.”

After twelve minutes of Washer’s precise, impassioned preaching, the last remaining survivor escaped out a window. Washer reportedly pushed on, expertly expositing six verses in 2 Corinthians and portions of the Old Testament for another 50 minutes to the corpses slumped over chairs and strewn about the floor in front of him. He then closed in prayer and motioned for the praise band to make their way back to the stage, but they had unfortunately all been reduced to various piles of ashes.

“Oh my word—the screaming. I’ll never forget the screaming,” a visibly shaken and slightly singed Victoria Osteen told reporters as paramedics continued to comb through the scene, looking mostly in vain for survivors. “Has anyone seen Joel?”

According to sources, Washer was not asked back to the 11:00 a.m. service.

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