A woman who is a graduate and employed as an HR coordinator says: A classmate of mine was found dead within a week of marriage. The husband had apparently hit her in a fit of rage. But he didn’t really mean to kill her, and she must have said something to provoke him, knowing her.

A lady doctor tells a divorcee friend who walked out of a marriage following extreme violence: “To stay or not to stay in a marriage is a choice. If I were in your place, I might have stayed.”

An MA student from a reputed university in the country says during a classroom discussion about women in cinema: “I don’t think the Malayalam film where Mohanlal talks about wanting a wife to kick when he gets home is sexist. After all, it would be every woman’s fantasy to be kicked by her man, at least once.”

Imagine these real life scenarios:Considering that all these Malayali women were well-educated, it should come as no surprise that a recent survey found that 69% of Malayali women justify domestic violence . The National Family Health Survey (NFHS), which interviewed women aged between 15-49 in both rural and urban households, reveals the justifiable reasons cited by the women to be physically punished: going out without informing the husband, making him feel suspicious, arguing with him, not looking after family and children, not respecting in-laws, not cooking well and not agreeing to sex.Why does this happen in Kerala, where the women’s education levels are the highest in the country? Is there no correlation between education and awareness of one’s rights and self-respect? We ask experts.First of all, I don’t think the statistics is entirely correct. In our studies, around 30-35% women would justify domestic violence, at the most, not 69%. But yes, a lot of women are not at all conscious of their rights. We have come across women who ask, ‘If we tread the wrong path, how is it wrong to get beaten?’ and say, ‘We should be the ones adjusting’. Even women police officers used to say until recently during training sessions, ‘Occasional beatings are no big deal’.Marriage itself is an age-wise contract in our society. There used to be a 10-year age gap between husband and wife in the past, which is coming down now. And the husband is addressed as ‘chettan’, connoting an elderly person who should protect her, and also has the right to punish her. This has been internalised by many women and the ones who consider themselves equals are still a minority.Our visual media culture, especially TV serials, still perpetrate traditional norms about women and relationships. Nowhere are children taught that husband and wife have the same rights and are equal in a relationship.In our society, women are considered the custodians of the house but yet they are not given the power over it. They can be beaten up any time. The domestic space has never been addressed or included in any of our social or political movements and election manifestos address only issues in public spaces. A society free of dowry might be an election agenda but never one free of domestic violence. The attitude towards domestic violence will change only if this changes.The violence works on the belief that the perpetrator can get away with it, that the woman is his property. Our movies constantly give out the same message, one slap from the husband at the end and everything becomes alright. The message that women should communicate to the husband should be loud and clear – that he doesn’t have power over her. That his power comes from the work that she does inside the house. In my opinion, a slap back will put across this message in 60% of the cases, unless the man is a psychopath or something. Police intervention is not really practical every time, unless there are dedicated women police stations.From my experience in counselling, I have noticed that for a lot of men, physical violence is the mode of reaction whenever they get hurt or angry. When you feel angry at a child, you just hit it and silence it. Both boys and girls grow up seeing this and that’s the same method men use against women later in life.Also, our source of morality class is still TV serials. I remember an incident when my son, then just two years old, was watching a serial along with the maid. On watching a scene, he immediately said, ‘she will get beaten today’. Such is the effect of serials on our minds.We often hear the usage ‘avante pennu’. That is how a woman is introduced and that becomes her identity. When someone visits a house, they ask for ‘chettan’ for any issue that matters. Even though Malayali women are educated, they are still not expected to take important decisions. The woman’s education is meant only to aid the family’s needs, not for the freedom of her soul or self-expression.It’s not surprising that these women find fault with the woman if a husband develops suspicions about her. Why does she have to go out without his permission, is the question they ask. Also, an abused woman will never get support to walk out from a relationship from other women. The only woman to do so will be someone who says she doesn’t want anyone’s support.There are women who are suppressed and abused in all countries. But they all try to fight it out while we still prefer to suffer. We haven’t started to speak out, yet. The only solution is the right kind of education. Women have to see the world more, move out of their orbits. It’s something one has to do oneself, consciously.Forget about a husband-wife relationship. In our society, it’s completely acceptable for a brother to beat up a sister or control her. The parents don’t react and it gets into the subconscious mind of both children that it’s acceptable. The issue begins with parenting. Also, the education we give is job-oriented. The idea that marriage is for fulfilment is alien to them and in Kerala, women are educated only to get married.A lot of Malayali women are shockingly unaware of their rights. In a marriage, neither party, especially the women are aware that they are equals. These women feel that the husband is the earning member and so he deserves respect, because he is looking after her. He has the right to domestic violence as well, automatically. There is also a lack of value-based education. The women don’t recognise their own value; that as a human being you have to respect your body.In my experience, a woman approaches a lawyer with a domestic violence case only after she reaches a point where she can’t take it anymore. In such situations we have never suggested a compromise, although we have suggested a second chance even for adultery. There have been cases when women have been beaten up even for questioning homosexuality. But out of the 500 or 1,000 cases of domestic violence, only one or two go for divorce. The rest sort it out.The root of the issue is that the women think they want protection. If they are not protected, someone will take advantage of them, they feel. It’s a vicious cycle. If they feel that the law will protect them, that the society will protect them, and they are capable of protecting themselves, they will never put up with domestic violence. There is also the question what will society think if they complain. In my opinion, I don’t think marriages are that worthy.It is definitely a result of cultural conditioning. From the time girls are born, they are told directly and indirectly that men and their wishes matter more. It’s no wonder they grow up to become women who think it is their husbands' right to beat them if they don't cook well or agree to have sex. Unless we bring up our girls giving them space to think freely, express opinions and take decisions for themselves, nothing much will change.The survey says that women in villages condone domestic violence more. So exposure is the key. When you have a chance to go outside your cocoon and meet other people, you have better chances of overcoming this cultural conditioning. You see and figure out that there are better ways to live than in drudgery.