“Have you experienced a petty crime in London?” chirped the New York Times enthusiastically on Twitter, which prompted a deluge of sarcastic responses from Londoners keen to let everyone know just how petty they could be. The US newspaper was attempting to report on the rising level of crime in the capital – a problem the Metropolitan police commissioner recently said was being turned around – but instead it learned a lot more about what was getting on Londoners’ nerves.

Naturally, public transport etiquette featured heavily:

A stranger tried to talk to me on the tube, so I reported him to the police because talking to strangers on the tube is illegal. — Tits McGee (@Scientits) December 13, 2018

Someone yesterday stood on the left hand side of the escalator at the tube station — Ian McDougall (@IanMcDougall1) December 13, 2018

In an act of willful criminal rapscallionry, somebody did not Mind The Doors on the Piccadilly line resulting in A Stern Announcement being made at 0853 this morning. Relevant passenger files have been updated. — As Ye Red Elves (@severedelays) December 13, 2018

Londoners’ obsession with mumbling apologies, or “dealing” with a situation by tutting while not making eye contact, was also mentioned.

someone clipped me with their trolley in Waitrose the other day and only apologised once — Josh Barrie (@joshbythesea) December 13, 2018

Two people in backpacks kept turning around and bumping into me on my commute. I sighed and tutted, but was concerned the tension could escalate. — Gareth Dimelow (@gdimelow) December 13, 2018

Queues and apologies are natural bedfellows in London, it seems.

Once I accidentally queue-barged a man in a supermarket. I apologised profusely for not realising they were in a queue. They then apologised for making a big deal about nothing. I then apologised for their apology. Then someone behind us apologised for asking us to move up. — Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) December 13, 2018

The notoriously high price of alcohol was also referenced:

£6 for a pint. Daylight robbery! — Gareth Owen (@GarethAOwen1) December 13, 2018

The cost of living in London in general featured in a lot of replies:

£40 cinema tickets at the Odeon in Leicester Square. — Richard HP (@richardhp) December 13, 2018

Have you been to the cinema lately. The price you pay for the sweets is daylight blooming robbery. — Mark Shaw (@markshaw) December 13, 2018

Our national obsession with the niceties of making tea cropped up:

Ordered a tea and they put the milk in first — James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 13, 2018

And there was faux nostalgia for a time when London seemed a better and more welcoming place.

During the Olympic Games, people would smile and talk to strangers on the tube. I still have nightmares. — Dave Turner (@mrdaveturner) December 13, 2018

Most people, however, focused on Londoners’ refusal to speak to one another unless communication was absolutely unavoidable:

I asked someone how they were and they actually told me. — Oliver Bradley (@olibradley) December 13, 2018

And stressful social interactions brought out pettiness in full force:

Someone held the door open for me when I was still ten feet away and then I had to run and pretend I was grateful. I was sweaty and fuming — Harriet Marsden (@harriet1marsden) December 13, 2018

There were also comments about the snobbishness of some of the more fashionable parts of London.

I was unable to enter Camden for at least a decade because I didn't look enough like a member of Blur. — Jason Hood (@rail_pics) December 13, 2018

And some visitors were disappointed that the city hadn’t lived up to some of its traditions:

I diligently watched a beefeater for eight hours while he was on duty, and he didn't eat beef once during that period. I'm starting to suspect the Queen may be fraudulently employing vegetarians. — David Whitley (@mrdavidwhitley) December 13, 2018

Then there were surreal comments that were difficult to explain:

Someone threw a ham sandwich at my head once out of a car window. — Frankie Tobi (@frankietobi) December 13, 2018

Dickensian London made more than one appearance:

I was 'aving me shoes shined when I feels a commotion in the back pocket of me breeches. Little fella he was, goes by the name of the Artful Dodger. Got clean away with me purse. — Claire Cohen (@clairecohen) December 13, 2018

My dad's boss has insisted he work on Christmas Day, declaring “If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding" — Holly Thomas (@HolstaT) December 13, 2018

References to Mary Poppins abounded:

My children were abducted by their nanny and discovered cavorting with a troupe of dancing chimney sweeps. — Chris Smith (@itschrissmith) December 13, 2018

Some guy keeps making a terrible racket on my roof. I think he's stuffing people into chimneys. "Step in time", he keeps shouting <whispers: I don't even think his accent is *really* British> — Victoria Richards (@nakedvix) December 13, 2018

One of London’s most famous immigrants also made an appearance:

A Peruvian immigrant carrying a suitcase full of marmalade sandwiches was recently kidnapped by a rogue taxidermist. It was all caught on film, but the authorities did nothing. — Guy Adams (@guyadams) December 13, 2018

And while there was a lot of Victorian and Edwardian nostalgia, there were also new levels of pettiness to take into account:

I fell out with a friend who then unliked all of my instagram pictures, that was next-level petty. I live in London, happy to share more. — Hannah Al-Othman (@HannahAlOthman) December 13, 2018

It isn’t the first time this year the New York Times has faced the ire of London’s social media users. In August, an article by the food critic Robert Draper was widely mocked after he suggested the capital’s food scene had at last moved “beyond porridge and boiled mutton”. References to the article featured in some of the replies on Thursday:

I was in my local London eatery and they’d run out of boiled mutton and porridge. I was furious and reported them to the police. — Simon Neville (@SimonNeville) December 13, 2018

This claim, however, may have topped them all: