There’s so much to say I’m not sure how or where to start, what to focus on or gloss over. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll start with a few explinations.

Transman: An individual with the mind of a man and a physically female body.

I know many people have trouble wrapping their head around the idea, but they’ve actually found physical evidence of transgender brains resembling those of their peers in gender, pre-hormone treatment. Pretty cool, right?

Men’s Roller Derby: Yes, it exists.

Not much of a definition, but most people’s response to “I play men’s roller derby” is “I didn’t know they had men’s roller derby”. For any one who doesn’t know, roller derby is a sport played on quad skates and dominated by women. The basic idea is each team has up to one point-scorer (called a jammer) and four blockers. Each blocker represents a point and a jammer scores points by lapping blockers for their points. It’s more exciting than I’m making it sound. Just keep in mind people are going fast, are allowed to hit and don’t want to give their point up.

So, now that we’ve done that; My real name’s A.J., my derby name’s Pac’N Man, I play for the Lane County Concussions and I’m the first transman to play on a MRDA (Men’s Roller Derby Association) team. This blog is an attempt to thank friends&fam, educate those who don’t know and talk y’all into giving me your money 😀

The money part is for top surgery, a procedure that would remove my breasts and make my chest look male. For now I wear chest binders which are similar to tanktops in shape but made of material that compresses breasts so the chest appears much flatter. While I’m grateful for the technology (ace bandages were my only option before, key words: ineffective, safety-pin, painful) binders still aren’t an ideal long-term solution. To start with, they’re uncomfortable. Not because the designers don’t care about comfort, but because by definition a binders function is to squeeze you all day. I’m not a claustrophobic guy in general, but that changed for the first month or so that I had a binder. The awkward manner in which the binder is removed doesn’t help (I’ll put up a diagram in a future blog). At a point in the process your arms stick straight in the air, the binder pins your arms to the sides of you head and covers your face. Now, if you’re still in the claustrophobic phase, this is when you start to panic and flail which does nothing but intensify the panic. For all the transmen out there, there are two ways to deal with this; If you live with a partner or roommate that you’re comfortable seeing your breasts, try to wait until they’re around to help you. The other option is to lay down and try to relax before you continue removing the binder. This one’s easier said then done, but remind yourself that it’s temporary and time is the solution.

Sometimes I still get panicky if I have to struggle with it a bit. The worst is when they get wet though. A wet binder feels like wearing one of those chinese finger-traps around your chest. Well, “don’t wear a wet binder” you say? There are a couple situations it can’t be helped in, such as derby practice where it’s my own sweat making the binder wet. Secondly, they’re a bit spendy for me at $30 a pop. It’s something I need to wear everyday, twice if I have practice. I can generally only afford to have three or four around at a time since they start to break down after three months for me. Also, they have to air dry, which isn’t an issue if you have a home with heating, but I do not, making this another situation where a dry binder isn’t an option.

Back to the part about thanking; I am blessed with an amazing community of support. Eugene, in general, has always been a very accepting place to me. Before discovering I was transgender I was a lesbian who very much looked like one. I came out in 8th grade to my fam&friends who immediately accepted me. There was a bit of bullying and teasing, I don’t think any community is free of that, but I can honestly say there’s never been a time where I felt unsafe in my hometown because I was queer. The derby community has been especially welcoming, which isn’t surprising given how it already has a reputation as an accepting place for transwomen. I’ve been playing roller derby and transitioning for about the same time, near a year and a half, which isn’t a coincidence. The first step I took towards transitioning (besides coming out and asking for male pronouns) was joining the men’s team. I figured it would get me in shape, help me to look more masculine. At the time the proper descriptor for my physique was “chubby” and I knew that if I didn’t change my habits before I started hormones it would only get worse. Most people know that T (testosterone) makes it easier to build muscle, but if you don’t work out it makes you gain fat faster than before aswell.

Another reason I joined the team was to hang out with some guys, have a specific ‘man-space’ set aside for myself. My family is awesome, but the majority of them are women and there are so many little unspoken gender-cues that can only be learned by being around that gender. The way you stand, walk and lean tells people something. The words you use, the inflection of your voice and the range you speak in tell people something. In theory you could practice and study like a mofo to change these habits, but they’ve been unconsciously trained into you from birth. Think of it like language. In fact, think of it like one of the most confusing languages in the world, English. If you learned from lessons and rules, you might say your coworker is ‘an unique person’ which is grammatically correct, but something a native speaker would never say. They’d say ‘a unique person’, not a big difference, but enough of a nail to snag your pocket on.

People have told me I’m brave to be open about this, but because of my situation–because of my amazing family, sports community and home community, I don’t feel like it’s fair for me to do anything else. I strongly believe that an important part of combating transphobia is showing people that we’re just normal people with what I consider to be a genetic quirk. The trouble is ‘normal’ people don’t want to come out. It’s for good reason, I don’t want to get into all the numbers during this blog, but if you feel like a good depressing read check out “Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey”. It makes me think twice about doing this, but then who does that leave? Celebrities who have no choice but to transition in the public eye and are insulated by their money and fame. I’m not saying they have it easy, transitioning is difficult no matter what, but their reality is so vastly different from most people’s (trans or not) that there’s little point to thinking of our situations as similar. Yeah, Chaz Bono’s had to deal with people saying awful things to and about him. Yes, he had to come out and do the tricky pronoun changes too. But did he worry about losing his job or being able to find work? Did he struggle to find a doctor that’s understanding and properly educated in transgender health? How many times has he sat on a toilet in a public restroom, terrified that someone will hear him peeing like a girl? That top surgery that’s such a mountain of a goal for me? He had his after a year. Am I more than a touch jealous? Absolutely, but the point I’m trying to get at is celebrities aren’t an accurate representation of most transgender people.

Lastly in my first blog, I’d like to thank my family who’ve made the biggest changes in their minds and actions. Not because any of them took issue with the change, but because they knew me best and for my entire life before this. Their speaking habits in reference to me were the most deeply ingrained. They knew me as Amanda, their granddaughter, niece, sister and daughter for almost 21 years and have made the switch to calling me A.J., grandson, nephew, brother and son in little over a year. They aren’t perfect, slip-ups still happen once or twice a month, but considering all the girl-specific words they had to stop using, it’s still impressive. While we’re on the subject, a tip for transgender people when you talk to your fam&friends about your pronouns: bring up a few gender-specific titles and nicknames as well, because people don’t generally think of them until they’ve already called you something like ‘Mandy’ in public. You know, hypothetically.

Welp, there it is ^-^ welcome to my blog folks. Feel free to contact me with questions, correction or just to say hey and I’ll “see” y’all next week!