Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 11:54AM

It's been nearly three years since our last post. The Republican party hasn't been showing us much love. Sure, they've been threatening to do away with the Violence Against Women Act. And of course, they've been hard at work requiring rapes for abortion seekers. What have they have been doing for us, the die-hard rape enthusiasts?

Todd Akin knows what I'm talking about. He's a rape connoisseur, just like us. Barack Obama has a palate so unrefined that he thinks "rape is rape." Todd knows better than that.

See, Todd knows that some rape is legitimate, and some rape isn't.

If you try to have sex with a woman, and she says no, and you do it anyway, now that's a legitimate rape.

If you try to have sex with a woman, she says no, you continue your attempt, and she says yes before penetration occurs, then the rape is basically ruined. Not a legitimate rape!

If you and a woman arrange for a little consensual rape play, I gotta tell you, that ain't rape. That's poser rape, completely illegitimate.

Todd knows that some rape is forcible, and some isn't. Forcible rape often has bloody finish, as well as a nose that is frequently broken. If you're worried that the strong taste of forcible rape might overpower everything else you have planned, you may want to pair your evening with another rape variety. Statutory rape is light-bodied, though it can be very hard to find a decent vintage. Consult a rape sommelier if you're have trouble making a selection.

I want to thank you, Congressman Akin. If not for you, I might have stayed home in November. Now I'm legitimately excited about the Republican Party again!

P.S. Akin may be one of us, but he's not keen on biology. Remember to protect yourself from unwanted rape babies, everyone!