Hotspur Way

AVB: How are you settling in?

Baldini: Wonderfully well. Thank you.

AVB: Good, good.

Baldini: So, transfer targets?

AVB: Yes, yes. Here is my list of suggested players.

Baldini: The priorities?

AVB: A creative outlet for centre midfield. Someone with exquisite dimension that can both hold the midfield together in perfect symmetry like the sun does with the solar system but is also capable of worm hole vision, sending the ball forward through time and space to our front-line, avoiding the suction of black holes and the hazards of asteroid belts.



Baldini: You want a playmaker with composed intelligence?

AVB: I want a magician.

Baldini: Other priorities?

AVB: A weapon of mass destruction, not buried deep in a desert never to be found. This weapon has to be visually robust and triangular in movement. Always ready to detonate with nuclear precision.

Baldini: You want a striker who can work the box?

AVB: I want a ruthless assassin.

Baldini: Okay. I'll work through the list. I'll confirm the targets and then I'll speak to the chairman and he'll negotiate the finer details...transfer fee, contracts, wages.

AVB: Excellent. I hope for our tantric love making to be epic in ground-shaking ferocity.



Baldini: You are hoping for...a good working relationship? Right?



-

N17, Daniel Levy's office

Baldini: These are the two players. Current market projection has them both valued at £20M each. Both currently play Champions League football. Might be tricky.



Levy: Hmm. And Andre was certain these are the two he requires?



Baldini: Yes. A magician and a ruthless assassin.

Levy: £40M for the pair.

Baldini: There are lesser targets, alternatives, on the list.

Levy: Leave this with me. Consider it done.



-

Daniel Levy's home

Levy settles into a Stasis Chamber and programs it via audio instructions.



Levy: Awaken me with 15 minutes left of the transfer window.

-

Hotspur Way, transfer window deadline looming



AVB: What in the physically in-twinned rampant thrusting is going on?



Baldini: I think he's asking what 'in the f*** is going on'.

Levy: Gentleman, our two marquee signings. I think the both of you along with the supporters will be very very content with these captures.

AVB: This is not what I asked for. I wanted a playmaker and a striker!



Levy: And that is what I have given you. A magician and a ruthless assassin.



Dynamo: Hi.

James McAvoy: Hello.

Levy: Both signed on a rolling appearance contract. No lump sum payment up front. Pay as you play. Both fit for purpose, household names, and the marketing potential allows for world wide brand emphasis.



James McAvoy: Sorry, can you confirm again, you want me in character?

Levy: Yes.

James McAvoy: *cough* You know when you have a dream and you're half-awake, but still in the fringe of your brain, and when you open your eyes you're so damn glad it was a dream?

Levy: Excellent! He can also bend bullets.

Dynamo: I can make things disappear.



Baldini: Can you make me disappear?

Dynamo: I can also walk on water.

AVB: Jesus Christ.



Levy: He wasn't available. Shame, he's quite good at getting his head on a cross.



Dynamo: I can also levitate in public using practically invisible wires accompanied by ample usage of editing, ambiguous camera angles and a variety of cut-scenes of shocked onlookers. Did you see my trick in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil?

AVB: No. But can you make Leandro Damiao appear out of thin air?



Dynamo: That's just crazy talk! I work illusions not fantasy.



Baldini: Gentlemen, the window is officially shut.

James McAvoy: *jumps around, pretend shooting bullets from a pretend gun*

AVB: *holds head in hands*



Levy: Okay, okay. Don't fret, don't worry. I signed some backups just in case you required more squad depth. I'll like to present to you...



Peter Odemwingie: Hello. Is this the Emirates Stadium?



Tom Huddlestone: Hi. I've been given a new five year contract.

AVB: *sobs*

Bale: Knock, knock. Hi chaps. Is this a good time? Hope I'm not interrupting. Daniel, just wondering, when can I tweet I've been sold to Madrid for £30M + add-ons?

AVB: What?



Baldini: What?

Levy: What?

<silence>

Levy: I need the money for a rainy day.