For most of my life, I practically mainlined pop culture, my finger wrapped tightly around the pulse of current entertainment. But recently I realized that whenever I'd overhear conversations about popular TV shows I had no idea what anyone was talking about. It seems that while I was exploring the real world (watching Arrested Development on DVD) the pop culture landscape as I understood it shifted; a new crop of shows and stars emerged, leaving me wondering: What's an Adam Lambert? Does Brett Michaels still make music, or is he basically doing this rolling brothel TV show full time now? Is Wings still on the air? Is Wings still on the air?! To find out, I forced myself to watch the latest episode of the three most popular shows on the air right now. And I hate myself for it.

The Hills

In a Sentence:

Starring:

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Pretty, interchangeable white people wearing clothes.I don't know who any of these people are, or what they did to become famous. I don't even totally know how many different characters are on this show. I didn't realize there was more than one blondish white chick until two of them were on screen together. I watched 30 minutes before I understood that these three girls were different people.

The Show:

The episode that I watched was centered on a wedding between a blond douchebag named Spencer and a blonde whatever-the-girl-version-of-a-douchebag-is named Heidi. Spencer and Heidi are the two most unlikable human beings I've ever seen in my entire life. Also, Spencer's beard is the same color as his face, which seems like it must make shaving very difficult.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Since this was the season finale, it was a double episode. Two full episodes wherein absolutely nothing remotely interesting happened. Super-tan, glass-eyed Californians sat around looking at each other for 44 minutes. Sometimes one of them would cry or smile, but no one ever seemed to understand why. This was the season finale of a show that's lastedfive freaking seasons. And it's not as though it's flying under the radar. I hear about this show constantly. Why the hell is it so popular? What's the appeal? Here's a scene where Spencer talks to The One That Isn't Spencer about something (Spencer, probably).

SPENCER I'm not just a cold stone with no heart. THE ONE THAT ISN'T SPENCER [Not taking his eyes off the floor.] Yeah you are. They look at each other for a full 12 seconds, neither of their faces displaying anything that I recognize as an emotion. Not-Spencer didn't say it humorously, or ironically or anything. He just said it because he heard a sentence that started with "I'm not" and decided to fill in the blank with something disagreeable, like this was some kind of exercise for a drama class in which both of the participants are retarded. I mean, Spencer just stared at him. Not mad, or offended, just slowly trying unsuccessfully to process the words he'd just heard. This episode had four million viewers. Also, everyone on this show has their mouth wide open. All the time. I don't know if they're just mannerless mouthbreathers or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making. Maybe it's a show about mutants whose ears are located on the roofs of their mouth? I mean there's got to be some reason they're on TV, right? Conclusion: Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.