1. “The Soup Sandwich”

The hot mess, the speed demon, the soup sandwich.

Fast, efficient, and an absolute terror to work along side or clean up after. Whether they are opening a 6 pack and slinging the caps across the bar, violently shaking multiple bar tins with water park esque consequences, or building a small man made pond at their station, these are your speed demons. “Mis en place” is not exactly their forte, but they rarely have anyone waiting on a drink. Abandon all personal space, ye who work with thee.

2. The Wrong Side of the Bar (Tender)

You’ve had a long day. You head to the bar to hopefully forget about your troubles, and remember the good times. Bad news. Its the wrong side of the bar (tender’s) shift. Before you can even have a drink, you know all of the finer points of their day. “Hey how are you?” ……

The Debbie Downer, the emotionally unstable, the wrong side of the bar (tender).







“Living the dream in this shithole. Had two people call out and my kid is home sick from school today.” Well isn’t that a warm welcome. Studies show the wrong side of the bar (tender) finishes their shifts with zero open tabs, and an average of 8-10 personal phone calls and cigarette breaks.

3. The Showman

Come one, come all, its the showman behind the bar! The emphasis isn’t on the quality, the efficiency, or the flavor. The point is to understand this mother fucker is cool as all hell. Whether you want a cordial poured straight from the bottle from a totally unnecessary height, or occasionally witness some of the coolest dance moves you’ve ever seen, you are in luck. Sometimes you can even be treated to a little banter about the latest EDM shows. Jager bombs have never looked so cool.

The bar is their stage, the flavor doesn’t matter, the Criss Angel of the bar, it’s the showman.







4. The Wiley Ol’ Veteran

They are either 30 minutes early, or 30 minutes late. They can set a bar up in 5 minutes flat, and break it down in just under an hour. The Wiley Ol’ Veteran.

The bartender who is just too damn good. They can make a round of Alabama slammers, as they tell you the year they last got one ordered. From 20 feet away they hear an order you took, tap you on the back and hand it to you. They will work without a single cube of ice in the well for as long as humanly possible. Opens a bottle of wine faster than you can get netflix to load. Will step in at a moments notice to put anyone in their place. Could probably run the entire bar by themselves, but would have to take the entire week off after the shift. The one, the only, Wiley Ol’ Vet.

5. The Hipster Chemist

Each drink takes the same amount of time it did for them to get dressed. Tattoos and fun hats. The Hipster Chemist.







In theory, I like this bartender. I enjoy attention to detail and well balanced cocktails that are well thought out. We get it. The rest of the experience can just be too much. There is a time and place for everything, and a Friday night while you showcase your passion for pyromania is well….not one. This is the showman who is more into indie rock than all of these overdone festivals. The true masters and legends of the cocktail world ( Dale Degroff, Harry Craddock, etc) did not dress like they were about to run sound for Bright Eyes.

6. How the hell do you go to the gym bartender?

They bring healthy snacks to work. They never party with their co workers. They don’t really make any sense. The Gym Bartender.





As everyone knows, working in or frequenting a bar doesn’t usually scream physical fitness and healthy decisions. This gym bartender shows up with a jug of water. They duck down when its busy and eat a protein bar. If they weren’t there working you would likely never see them step foot in a bar. In casual settings backwards hats are an absolute must. In a nightclub you best believe a sweatband is holding a bar tool. You know why? Because these bartenders are fit. The biggest question is, how is this possible?

So which one are you? Do you know any other types?

-Reid Clayton