Alexander’s Mother and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Oh, Christ. What day is this? Roger get up, honey, get up and turn the alarm off.



OK, right, it’s Thursday. Thursday… what is happening today? What time is it? Are the kids up yet?

Where are my slippers? Ow, these fucking LEGOs. Why do they hurt so much when you fucking step on them. Ouch, ouch, ouch. These goddamn legos go in the trash if Alexander doesn’t clean them up today.

Ugh, OK, today. Right. Thursday… Sandy Gibson’s on car pool duty today, have to go grocery shopping, volunteer in Alexander’s class, drop off the dry cleaning, pick the kids up, go to their dentist appointments… what else? Oh damnit, the boys need new shoes for soccer… so shoe shopping and then pick up Randy from work at 6.

What is that sound? ALEXANDER, WHY IS THE WATER RUNNING IN THE SINK? And why is this sweater stopping up the drain?! What’s in your hair? Is that GUM? Why are you chewing gum in bed?!

Go to the kitchen. I’ll get this out after breakfast.

- - -

What are you complaining about, Alexander? So you didn’t get some cheap plastic junk out of the cereal box like Anthony or Nick did. YOU HAVE A MILLION REAL TOYS and you can’t stop whining about that crap in the cereal box? HOLD STILL. I can’t get this disgusting gum out.

Shoot! Ten minutes until pick-up! What do we have for lunch? Not much. Shit. I really need to get to the store. Let’s see, PB&J, apples, money for milk… sorry kids, no dessert.

OK, out the door! Mrs. Gibson is waiting! Grab your lunch! GO! GO! What? You think Audrey and Elliott hog the good seats? Well, it’s their car… when we drive you can get the window, OK? Now go!

- - -

Hi, Mrs. Dickens, sorry I’m late. Why is Alexander is the corner? He didn’t cooperate in drawing, singing, or counting today? Well, he does have his own ideas. No, I’m sure wasn’t trying to be smart by drawing invisible things. OK, yeah, we can practice his numbers some more too. Anything else?

- - -

Over here, over here! Honk honk, hey kids! Over here! No! Stop fighting over the seats and just get in! Sheesh! One at a time, please! What, Anthony? No, I can’t drop you off at Brian’s! We have to go to the dentist. What, Alexander? What? Shhh, I’m trying to listen to Alexander! Oh, honey, I’m sorry Paul told you you’re only his third best friend. Hey, stop! He’s not a baby! Nick, top making fun of your brother.

- - -

Really, Dr. Fields? Alexander has a cavity? We have to schedule another appointment for him? Fantastic. Really great. Must be all that gum he sneaks before bedtime.

Alright, I’m going to get the car. You boys stay here.

- - -

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? ALEXANDER WHY ARE YOU ALL MUDDY? WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING YOUR BROTHERS? Christ, I can’t leave you alone for two seconds. I swear to God.

- - -

How can they already need new shoes? I swear I just bought them some. Look at Alexander sitting there pouting. God, he’s filthy. How embarrassing. Who even cares what goddamn color stripes the sneakers have? Let’s just get out of here. Please?

- - -

Boys, be careful, this is your father’s office. Oh, hey! No, no, no, no, put that down! That is not for playing. The copier is NOT a toy, stop touching the buttons. Goddamnit, Nick stop dripping all over the desk. Watch out for those books, Alexannn… nevermind. Boys! Go wait in the hall until your father is ready to go.

- - -

Mister, you are not going anywhere until you eat those lima beans.

- - -

No, we will not change the channel because there is kissing.

- - -

OK, well, next time check the water temperature before you get in. No, you know not to use that soap! It always stings your eyes. I don’t know where your marble went but if it went down the drain it’s OK, BECAUSE YOU HAVE EIGHT HUNDRED MORE. Please, Alexander, just put the railroad train pajamas on? The truck ones are still in the wash.

- - -

Alexander, I am sorry that your brother won’t give you back the pillow, and that the night light burned out and you bit your tongue. No, I can’t make the cat sleep with you if it doesn’t want to. Some days are just terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.

Even in Australia.