"Just Page Me, Bro": New iPager Sweeps Nation

September 15, 2015 by Posted onby Kenneth Burke

From ultimate frisbee matches to coffee shops across the nation, one line has consumed today’s youth like no other.

“Just page me, bro.”

Apple’s latest release, the iPager, has become the company's newest overnight sensation, particularly enjoyed by college students.

“It really took off within fraternities,” says University of Southern Tennessee student, Jed Duke. “Every time we want to throw an impromptu party or chapter meeting, our president just ‘pages’ everyone. It’s great because iPagers don’t cost much, and you can reach, like, fifty people in about half an hour.”

“Everybody thought they just had to have one,” says Ashleigh Templeton, another UST student. “Everyone on campus got one, not only at UST, but everywhere. You just can't be socially active without one.”

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According to Duke and Templeton, both older and younger siblings of college students caught on to the trend as well, and are using iPagers for a multitude of reasons, ranging from gossip to pranks to simple notifications.

“My parents actually use it tell my little sister when to come home from friends’ houses,” continued Templeton. “They love it! It fits in so well with daily activities.”

But not everyone enjoys the iPager’s popularity. Dr. Sigmund Bonhoeffer, a private practice physician, had this to say about the fad:

“As a medical doctor, I don’t get many days off without being on call. But my staff and all my patients expect me to ‘page’ just like they do, even when I’m supposed to be relaxing. I can’t catch a break!”

The iPager hit markets early last summer, and quickly gained the widespread popularity depicted above. Apple engineers are reportedly "incredibly shocked" by the response, and are quickly piecing together follow-ups to the iPager.

“We knew we were on to something awesome,” reports Apple director of product development, Dr. Stephen MacChiato, “but we had no idea how awesome we really were. It’s like we’ve singlehandedly taken over the lives of millions! You can’t help but feel a little proud.”

And here, exclusively, is a leak from what Dr. MacChiato and the team are cooking up next. “I can’t give out all our secrets, but I can ask you a simple question. How incredible would it be if you could place all your CDs and old records in one device that you could easily carry around with you? Just imagine, an entire collection of music in one little pod!

“We haven’t set a date yet, but we’re hoping to officially announce the product next summer. It’s going to be big.”

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