Rape isn't about "letting" something happen. It's about a profound violence someone else does to us, and it's something that happens to men and women, boys and girls.

DAN asks:

I’m

a 18 year-old male. I was raped twice in my life (6 and 10 years old)

and I took it pretty well. My life was quite normal until now, and had

no problems with girls. I never had a girlfriend, never been the type

who commit, but I’d had a lot of sex with a lot of girls. Two weeks ago

I had contact with the man who attacked me when I was 10. Since then

I’ve having nightmares and have been remembering all what happened.

I’ve been drinking and went back to drugs. I wouldn’t want to, but it’s

the only way I can get some rest. Last weekend happened something that

really scared me. I was drunk and high and without noticing I found

myself rubbing a guy’s leg. I pretty much wanted to make out with him

and other stuff. I can’t become gay, it’s not fear I hate myself so

much, I hate the pervert who abused me, I hate everything right now.

Yesterday I cut my wrists but it wasn’t deep enough. I don’t want to

die but I find hard living right now. This evening I cut my face. What

happened the weekend means I’m gay? Am I becoming gay? What can I do to

prevent it? How can I stop remembering? It’s just too embarrassing to

talk to anybody. If I was a girl I could do it, but come on, I’m a man.

Men don’t let these things happen. I’m just trash.

Heather replies:

Before

I say anything else, I want to be sure to connect you with a couple of

avenues for help because I am very concerned about the state you’re in

right now.

Sex. Abortion. Parenthood. Power. The latest news, delivered straight to your inbox. SUBSCRIBE

Clearly — and it’s really common for this to happen — seeing your

rapist has triggered a lot for you and clearly, you are in a state of

very serious crisis at the moment. I’m worried about the ways you are

injuring yourself, and I’m worried about your use of drugs and alcohol

at the moment to try and manage your emotional pain.

RAINN offers private phone and online counseling for rape survivors

that is totally anonymous. I hear you feeling ashamed about your rape

as far as being male — and I’ll talk more about that in a minute — so

that might be a way you feel safe getting help. To phone in for some

counseling and support, the number is 1-800-656-HOPE. To get private online counseling, you can visit this link.

Another resource I think is fantastic and could be very good for you is the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization.

I also want you to try and stay aware of how safe you are or are not

right now. If you feel like — and it sounds like this is the case —

you may be a danger to yourself, I’d consider taking yourself into an

emergency room for care and assessment. I want you to be sure the

cutting you have done doesn’t need medical attention, too: the cuts to

your wrists or face could present a risk of infection if you don’t have

proper first aid administered.

I can talk more now about what you’ve asked, but I’d just be sure

you prioritize your own care before you read more. If you need help or

care right now, what I have to share will be here after you have taken

care of that.

Rape isn’t about "letting" something happen. It’s about a profound

violence someone else does to us, and it’s something that happens to

men and women, boys and girls. Many people who are raped do things to

try and prevent their rapes or stop them, but those efforts just don’t

always work: even for those who were shocked silent or still, which

happens a lot, that doesn’t mean that person "let" rape happen. Too, a

six-year-old or ten-year-old boy isn’t a man, but a child, and men

suffer from trauma just like women suffer from trauma. The idea that

men should somehow be able to just shrug trauma off is a pretty

dangerous idea that’s caused a whole lot of men more pain than they

were in in the first place. And by all means, ideas like that do

absolutely make it tougher for men to heal from sexual abuse and even

talk about it in the first place.

The National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization has a good paragraph about that, which says,

Myth #1 – Boys and men can’t be victims. This

myth, instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes

referred to as the "macho image," declares that males, even young boys,

are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. We learn very early

that males should be able to protect themselves. In truth, boys are

children – weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators – who

cannot really fight back. Why? The perpetrator has greater size,

strength, and knowledge. This power is exercised from a position of

authority, using resources such as money or other bribes, or outright

threats – whatever advantage can be taken to use a child for sexual

purposes.

I want to be sure you understand some basics about what is going on

in case you’re confused by what’s happening. I’m a survivor too, and,

like you, I had a handful of years where I did pretty well all things

considered, and then years later, very unexpectedly found myself having

a ton of flashbacks and body memories I wasn’t at all prepared for. I

remember it being incredibly scary and confusing, and I know I would

have been helped by some knowledge of what was happening and why. Not

knowing what was going on or how to deal with it actually derailed my

life big-time for a while, so I completely understand how terrifying

and overwhelming it can be to be in this kind of space.

A "trigger" is something — a place, a smell, a set of words, a

person, a certain sexual activity, a physical feeling, any number of

things — which can put us back into a place of feeling traumatized,

sometimes so much so we become very disoriented, and/or bring back

memories of our abuse. For those of us who were abused as children, it

can be common for us to repress some memories (it’s one of the ways our

minds offer us some protection, in sort of holding off on some things

until we’re better able to handle them, and also part of why you were

likely doing as well as you were for a time there) and have them come

back later due to a trigger.

While triggers can tend to make us very uncomfortable and be very

painful, they do tend to be routes through which we can do some

healing. While I know how hard what you’re dealing with right now is,

it is likely to be something which, in time, helps you better heal

yourself and become stronger. And we really can’t shut these dams once

they open: in other words, there’s nothing you can do to stop

remembering something your mind is remembering.

So, what we have to learn is how to manage triggers and the memories

and feelings they manifest, and that is a skill or set of skills most

of us can learn. It just takes time, patience with ourselves, courage

and some help.

It’s normal, when things like this first start to happen, to try and

just numb out and push how you’re feeling away, and drugs or alcohol or

self-injury (as well as sex), are common ways to do that. The trouble

is that a) those things can get dangerous, especially when we’re not in

a state to be moderate about them, b) they’re only a temporary band-aid

and c) they can create a whole new set of problems for you to deal with

in your life when you’ve already got your hands more than full with

what’s on your plate right now. Because being triggered is so

disorientating, what you need to do is try and re-orient yourself, not

get even more disoriented.

I don’t know what the situation was in which you had contact with

your abuser, but above and beyond all else, if you have control over

that now, I’d strongly suggest not seeing him again, particularly not

alone and particularly not before you get more stable.

What I’d recommend to better manage how you’re feeling right now is

to first see a doctor about your having trouble sleeping. If you don’t

yet feel able to talk about why you’re having trouble, that’s okay: you

can just say THAT you are, and if you need a medication to sleep right

now, you can get one which is much safer for you than mixing drugs and

booze. Sleep deprivation is always going to make us feel worse and put

us in a more troubled psychological state. To start coping with this,

to work through this, you do need to be able to take basic care of your

body, like getting enough sleep and enough to eat.

Make sure that you put yourself in safe, comfortable spaces right

now. I’d say that includes putting anything you can cut yourself with

in a place you cannot access. This isn’t the time to go out clubbing or

be around people you don’t know, but a time to be in places where you

feel safe, with people you love and trust and feel safe with.

It can also be helpful for many survivors dealing with triggers to

find some sort of object to center yourself with at times you get

triggered: what that object may be is going to be about what has

meaning for you. If having an object doesn’t ring true for you or work

for you, you might try some deep breathing or a mantra you use: a group

of words you learn to say to yourself when you’re feeling like this to

help you re-center, something like, "I am safe, I am whole, I am

strong."

It can also help to remind yourself at times like this that that

little boy you were who was harmed was not safe then, but is safe in

you now. I know that might sound cheesy, but we do tend to carry the

children we were around with us when we’re older, and if we were harmed

as children, when we feel unsafe, we can feel more like those children

than the people we are now. That kid wanted to be safe, and you have

the power to help him feel safe now.

Some other things that can help when we’re triggered and are healthy

are things like taking a walk, cuddling a loved pet, opening the

windows to get some air, listening to music which comforts us, doing

some kind of mundane self-care task like cooking a meal, having a bath

or shower, even just washing your face or brushing your teeth. Again,

it’s really important when we’re having flashbacks to do what we can to

bring ourselves back to the present, and do things which remind us that

we are remembering things which are in the past, not experiencing them again in the present.

I suggest starting a journal for you to write all of what you’re

feeling in. Doing that usually helps us process all of this better, and

if and when you can start getting some counseling — something I always

strongly encourage rape and abuse survivors to do — it can be really

helpful to have a record of this process. While I completely understand

the desire to try and make these feelings and memories go away, they’re

not going to, and to work through them, we generally need to

acknowledge them, honor them and fully experience those feelings.

Numbing out tends to just put off the inevitable, if it even does that.

Ideally, it’s going to help a lot if you can find some people to

reach out to and talk to about this. You’re also welcome to come talk

about this more with us or other survivors at our message boards

if you like. I’m really glad you were able to start here, and hope

you’ll also try that hotline I suggested, but it’d be even better if

you could also reach out to someone in-person you trust. That might be

a parent, a best friend, a trusted teacher or healthcare provider. That

could also be a counselor, and if you do call that hotline, they can

help connect you with counseling resources in your area when you’re

ready for that.

You say you were "quite normal" until now, so I want to make sure

you know that you probably weren’t as okay as you thought you were:

rather, you likely just hadn’t gotten to a point where you were really

dealing with this. I say that so that you can try and cultivate some

patience with yourself, and know that what’s going on now, how you’re

feeling now, isn’t abnormal, or isn’t you losing your marbles. It’s you

seeming to be at a point where all of this is actually coming to your

forefront and becoming something you have to deal with (and believe me,

I know it sucks that WE as survivors are the ones who have to deal with

it when we didn’t choose this) when you didn’t yet in the past.

I hear your concerns and fears about your sexual orientation — about being gay — and want to speak to those.

The first thing I want you to understand is something about rapists

which the study of rapists almost always holds to be true: rape isn’t

about sex. It certainly isn’t for the person being raped, and while a

rapist may experience sexual pleasure or orgasm from raping, that’s not

mostly what it tends to be primarily about for them either. For

rapists, raping is about power, and who they rape tends to simply be

about who they have the opportunity TO rape, not about who they find so

attractive. Who rapists choose to rape may or may not be within even

their own orientation. For instance, plenty of adults who rape children

are not pedophiles and do not actually feel strong (or any)

sexual attraction to children: rather, it’s simply that children are

often easier than adults to access and abuse because children are more

trusting and often less aware of when abuse is actually about to occur

or is occurring. Children are also usually easier to silence and less

likely to report rape than adults, and rapists know this all too well.

Some men who rape women are gay, some men who rape men are straight:

rape tells us very little about a rapists sexual orientation. For more

about rapists and who they are, you can have a read at this page.

It’s worth noting that men who are gay are not all rapists, not even

close. In fact, statistically, far more rapists are heterosexual than

homosexual. In other words, while you don’t even know if your rapist

was gay, do know that being gay is not something that inclines a person

to be a rapist more than anything else.

It’s very typical for men who have been raped by men to struggle

with homophobia, in part because it’s presumed that men who rape men

are gay (which like I said, isn’t even an accurate presumption), and

also because it’s often assumed that male rape can "make" men "turn"

gay. But there has never been any evidence to support that fear as

factual.

Here’s another one of those debunked myths on that topic from the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization:

Myth #5 – Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual.

While there are different theories about how the sexual orientation

develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that

premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent

or adult sexual orientation. It is unlikely that someone can make

another person a homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a

complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why

someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual.

Whether perpetrated by older males or females, boys’ or girls’

premature sexual experiences are damaging in many ways, including

confusion about one’s sexual identity and orientation. Many boys who have been abused by males erroneously believe that

something about them sexually attracts males, and that this may mean

they are homosexual or effeminate. Again, not true.

What our sexual orientation is is not determined by rape. You didn’t

have sex as a child: you were raped, you were sexually abused. Given

how little information I have about you, I can’t possibly know what

your sexual orientation is. You say you have had sex with lots of

girls, but that actually only tells me so much, especially since one

thing that can be common with sexual abuse survivors is some sexual

compulsivity. Since you don’t talk about love relationships with these

women, it is possible that a lot of the sex you have been having has

not just been about attraction, but about a reaction to your abuse.

That can happen. In your case, too, some of the urge for that sex might

have been to prove your masculinity, since you clearly express some

things here that make it sound like — which is so common for male

survivors — you do have concerns about masculinity, and how you think

men should be or behave.

Of course, even if I knew the sex with girls you have been having

was or was not a reaction to your rapes, that still wouldn’t tell me

much about if you are gay or not, save that what you seem to be saying

is that save this recent incident, you have only had interest in women,

which suggests heterosexuality or, at most right now, bisexuality.

Being gay is about having a sole or primary emotional and sexual

attraction to other men. Finding out about what our orientation is is

also something that we need time to suss out: wanting to make out with

one person once is nothing close to enough information to be able to

tell that (and if it helps you to understand that, know that many

people who ARE gay or lesbian have, or have wanted to, made out with

someone of the opposite sex once or far more than once). When someone

is in the middle of psychological trauma is also not at all the right

time for us to consider any of this: how any of us behaves in a trauma

often is not a sound reflection of our normal behavior.

But.

What I want you to know is that whatever you discover your sexual

orientation to be in time, that does not make you like your rapist,

just like being male does not make you like your rapist, or having the

same color of hair or same shoe size doesn’t make you like your rapist.

There’s also nothing I can tell you to do to prevent being or becoming

whoever you are sexually, because based on everything we know about

orientation, we all pretty much are who we are, and can’t choose who we

are or are not attracted to.

In time, whether you are straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual or

something else, if you’re being true to yourself and you are treating

yourself and others with care and love, it really is all okay. I want

you to know that we also cannot control what our sexual orientation is,

we can only choose how we do or do not pursue or enact our feelings of

attraction to others. I’m not hearing anything in what you have said

that suggests to me you are gay, but even if it turns out that you feel or discover in time you are gay, there is nothing wrong with any orientation any of us are.

I also want you to know that I think right now — while I understand

how paramount it probably feels — isn’t the right time to worry about

being gay or not or to try and figure your orientation out. I also

don’t think it’s likely a good time for you to be sexual with anyone

else, no matter their gender: that could very well be very triggering

for you right now, and you also aren’t in a good state of mind to care

for another person in that way right now, either.

I think it’s a time to put all of your energy into taking care of

yourself and getting any help you need in doing that. You say that you

are trash, but I disagree with you. I’m of the mind that the people who

abuse us, misuse us, do us violence and harm who can certainly make us

FEEL like trash are — if anyone is — the refuse at hand. Not us. Not

me. Not you.

So, I hope you can get that even a little, and be sure that YOU are

not now treating you like trash. While none of us are in any way

responsible for the abuse others do to us, we are responsible for how

we care for — or abuse — ourselves. Right now, you have the power to

either do things that will make you feel worse or things that will make

you feel better and support the fact that you are valuable, not trash.

So, right now, please seek out some help and care. If you need more

help finding that, or need some extra support, we are absolutely

available for that and glad to provide it, so please ask for more help

if you need more help, and know that no one here will ever think you

less of a man for either surviving abuse or asking for help to care for

yourself.

In fact, I’m of the mind that when any of us can ask for help we

need and act to heal from really tough things, we’re being pretty darn

mighty.