If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, it would be one of those old man pubs that inexplicably becomes popular with young people. The regulars would be baffled but quietly happy.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would still be a photo from 1996 on the wall, of the time two members of The Levellers played a few songs.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, all the staff would be on excellent wages, wages that would mean they'd all be able to afford to live close to the pub. And they'd have been trained on a full wage as well.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the tips would be shared out equally. The kitchen would get their share as well, because it's important that wealth is distributed to everyone.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be a dog.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the jukebox would be free, paid for by the pub itself.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the regulars would have been saying for years that if only more people knew about the pub, and really understood what a good pub it was, it would become the most popular pub in the whole country.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, some of the regulars would secretly hope that it never became popular, preferring it as it was.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the pub would express solidarity with the small grocery shop opposite it.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the price of premium drinks would be increased as a tax on the wealthy, and the increased income would subsidise the cost of basic drinks.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, customers would worry that this structure was actually exclusionary, and was preventing the workers from enjoying the finest results of their labours.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be a protracted discussion with the customers about how best to resolve this, concluding that all pricing structures are inherently flawed. Eventually, another model would emerge. It would be based on ensuring everyone gets a drink, and then running through a complex price progression, for each individual, designed to ensure that the most ardent consumers of resources pay the most. It would all fall apart around pint 6 as everyone gets too confused to manage it.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be no scotch eggs available at the bar. But it would make its own crisps, from potatoes that Jeremy Corbyn grew in his allotment.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, it would be mandatory to tear your crisp packet open and share them with your table.