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Ice T likes my Tweet, a fat woman tries to buy water, I break a meth pipe, 80s Girl dyes her hair, Ethan Ralph calls in after using the “gamer word” on The Drunken Peasants, drug lingo, Null gets banned from the US, why Boomers don’t deserve quarter, Nick Rekieta is coming to Road Rage: Los Angeles, Doug TenNapel talks about homosexuals getting into heaven, Martina Markota accuses an artist of stealing money and does not call in to defend it, an Appalachian State University professor loses her mind, Dr. Nurse also loses her mind, and my thoughts on Brittany Venti; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

This one is a real barn burner. Three and a half hours of mayhem and pills of various colors and hangovers of various sorts; stumbling across streams and over dreams. This episode actually syncs up perfectly with the Godfather Part II! So lock yourself in your home as hysteria destroys the economy and then lock yourself into this episode for a hell of a ride, but first…

I innocently ask, “Doesn’t a forced closure of bars and gatherings violate the first amendment?” to which Nick Rekieta presciently replies, “So did internment camps.”

And here we are.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and all of the bars in Los Angeles are closed by order of the mayor; and this is a violation of the first amendment. It’s the same as internment camps–or worse actually because it’s happening to me. It’s our generation’s Vietnam, except it’s more important. It’s more significant and horrifying than the Holocaust and Holodomor and the Cambodian Killing fields and the part in Event Horizon where they see hell for a couple seconds. It’s more gutting than the Seinfeld series finale. It’s the first violation of civil rights not since anything because it’s actually worse than everything because it’s happening to me.

It’s uniquely polarizing in the way beauty is, but in the reverse. That hits like a ton of bricks and then never fades. Bam! You’re caught in her gravity. You’re an orbiter–but again, the reverse.

How anyone can celebrate any application of government force, I will never understand. “You will do what we say under penalty of death.” You can’t kill yourself, only we can kill you, but again, here we are. Half of a generation is out simping for grandma, and they are out en masse.

Boomers have never done shit for us. They have done shit in spite of us. Forcing the redefinition of language on us since we were children. They have never paid for shit. They bleed us dry spiritually and monetarily every single day. And they think it’s funny. They trained us with banana stickers and flattery to obsequiously fawn over their affection. Using us as therapists for their failed ambitions and shields for consequences. They did this at every step. We are their hedge against their failure, and we submit to this eagerly.

The gig economy is destroyed. The razor thin white line that lies between work, bills, and income, that gets squeezed thinner and thinner–which is also called your life, has been annihilated in one mass panic. And for no reason. And for with nothing to show for it–for the effort. And yet, everyone is patting themselves on the back for it. Because we’ve been trained on accolades and banana stickers and merit badges. Everyone gets an “O” in citizenship for this one, and an “F” self-preservation.

No one actually knows what will happen with this stupid virus. No one knows when the toilet paper will come back to us. It’s possible everyone already has it. It’s possible it cannot be contained. It’s possible the mortality is inflated because China fucks everything up always just like everything they make is rickety trash. But it’s also possible the police will throw a curfew dodger into the volcano to see if that fixes the problem. We’ve been doing it for a thousand years after all, and it seems to have worked so far.

St. Patrick’s Day quarantine everyone. And simping for grandma. And what did you get for it? If you’re lucky, they’ll let you pay your student loan late this month.

Let them eat toilet paper.

Here is a link to Maz’s store Virtuodome! Some pretty sick designs if I do say so myself.

A thumbnail depicting proper disaster prep by Cliff Campbell.



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