TORONTO, ON—The Crocs Discount Warehouse Store mysteriously burned to the ground Tuesday evening in what some are calling "the most celebrated bonfire in human history."

Police arrived to the scene five hours after the 911 call took place. The late arrival happened on account of the incident being the "dead last priority on our list," according to Police Chief Joe Zaunders. "In fact, when firefighters arrived to the scene, they just sat, stared and applauded for quite some time. It was a real team-bonding experience."

Mandy Swanson, the 53-year-old "cat mother" who made the emergency call at 9:52 pm says she can't believe the response. "You call the police hoping they'll do something. I mean, thousands of practical, sensible shoes were up in flames and all they did was stand there until the fire pretty much wore itself out."

Swanson, a self-titled "Croc connoisseur", has over 40 pairs of Crocs in her collection, making her the least dateable person in the world. "They're great shoes! I get compliments all the time… well, one time. Okay, it was a group of teen boys pointing and screaming, 'WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE?' and then they ran away."

Chief Zaunders confirmed that police have narrowed down the suspects to "anyone with eyes" or "any group of people who share at least one of the five senses between them." Investigators believe the fire started somewhere around the front and back and sides of the building. The motive is still unknown, although police are fairly certain they can chalk it up to "good taste."

Blaire Carmichael, A.K.A. "Mr. December" in the 2016 Mississauga Hot Firemen calendar, laughed when questioned about the warehouse.

"I didn't know what Crocs were, to be honest. One of the guys Googled it and I gagged for 43 minutes straight. I've had salmonella before but those things are way worse."

Celebrities took to Twitter today to express their feelings about the event. Karl Lagerfeld, Chanel's head designer and creative director, wrote, "Someone got to the Warehouse before me."

Pop star Taylor Swift joined in the discussion saying, "My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone. But especially me since my best friend is an actual Croc."

Even the future president of the United States Donald Trump tweeted, "Clearly the doing of a Muslim. Or Crooked Hillary. Make America a Croc Again. Sad!"

There are no current or future plans to rebuild the warehouse.

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