And now, a break in Fake History to talk about the factually probable but statistically unlikely future of the National Football League. I have written all of this without looking at the schedule: a foolish decision.

AFC East:

Patriots: 14-2, win Super Bowl LI

I hate the Patriots. I hate them and I hate their stupid faces. I also have a lot of respect for the incredible job Kraft, Belichick, and Brady have done for a decade and a half. This is the last year of glory before a long, Cowboysesque fall, and I hope they relish it.

Tom Brady will be 39 when the season starts, the same age as current buzzword quarterback Peyton Manning. Age has already impacted Tom, as he struggles to complete passes greater than 20 yards. On a physical level, Brady has been on a steep decline since 2011.

His saving grace has been his brain. Brady knows the game unlike any other. On any given snap, Brady seems to know where each of the 21 other guys on the field are, and he knows exactly where the ball is going before the ball is snapped.

However, eventually that won’t be enough, and like Peyton, Brady will be physically unable to play football. Hopefully unlike Peyton, Brady won’t subject us to a year of being awful before he retires.

Brady plays this upcoming season appearing like his infallible self. The young defense continues to improve and becomes one of, if not the dominant defense in the NFL. Look for the Patriots to be top 5 in yards allowed and top 3 in scoring. Plus, a run game on the back of a healthy offensive line and a healthy Dion Lewis give the Patriots an added dimension that will turn most other defenses into mush. They will drop an away game at the Jets and a home game against the Bengals. That Bengals game will somehow make the Patriots underdogs when they play them again, at home, for the AFC title (I fibbed about not looking at the schedule). That game will be a blow out. Hopefully I will be living somewhere far away from Boston.

Then Brady retires as the greatest qb of all time, with 5 rings. Gronk and Edelman will both demand large contracts. The entire defense will need to get paid, which won’t happen. Belichik will stick around for a year to prove that he can go 11-5 with scraps of a team, and then he will leave as well. The Patriots will be left with no qb, no defense, no coach, and missing draft picks by 2019.

Jets: 9-7

Another tough year for the Jets, who look good but can’t quite separate themselves from the pack. They will start strong, but Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard won’t be enough to earn them a playoff bid. The season will give plenty of hope for the future though, particularly when Fitzpatrick shaves said beard completely for the final game, since no quarterback with a beard has ever won a Super Bowl. (I have correctly picked every Beard v. No Beard Super Bowl match up based purely on that stat. Most harrowing was when Russel Wilson shaved before the game, allowing me to pick the Seahawks. Favre and his “impossible to be completely clean” face is the closest a beard has ever come to the Lombardi).

Honestly, the Jets and the rest of this division bore me. They are, and have been, the Patriots whipping boy for longer than Google has been a word. Sure they will win a game off the pats this season, but who cares?

Offensively the Jets are interesting. Marshall and Decker are a great Receiving duo. Fitzpatrick is just good enough to win games he shouldn’t while still being lousy enough to lose a bunch of winnable games.

The Jets have a decent Offensive line and a frightening defense. Revis has taken a step back, but the rest of that D has stepped up, and they are very deep on the line. The Jets put a lot of work into building the team from the line of scrimmage, and it will show, just not enough to earn a playoff spot.

The bright side for the Jets is that magical 2019 when Belichik and Brady are gone and the Patriots have collapsed in on themselves like an under-inflated football. By that point, the Jets first round draft picks from 20 years ago when the Patriots started demolishing the division will be coaching.

Bills: 8-8

The Bills are the most interesting team in the most boring division, primarily because of their head coach. Rex might not be the best coach for a football team, but he is certainly one of the most entertaining.

The Bills have all the parts on offense to make people look twice. Shady still has enough gas in the tank for one more top flight season, and Karlos Williams showed flashes of number one back potential. They have a top tier wide-out in Sammy Watkins, and an interesting quarterback of the future in Tyrod Taylor. If they put some work into the offensive line, all of that amounts to an impressive roster on that side of the ball.

Their defense is garbage. This seems absurd, with all the pieces they have compiled over the years, including “Defensive Mastermind” Rex Ryan. Rex Ryan took this talented defense from the 4th best scoring defense in the NFL in 2014 to the 15th best in 2015. I have no rationalizations for this. Scapegoat the Ryan’s out of the league. #FireRex and put him on play by play somewhere. Let him take over for Collinsworth.

Dolphins: I don’t know, maybe 5-11? who cares? This team is bad.

Glad the Dolphins are a football team! It is exciting watching a team built around “stars” fight for third! I think that the Dolphins are a bad football team and I see Adam Gase as a sunset rather than a sunrise.

The best argument for Gase is he was the Quarterbacks coach for Tim Tebow. This is a valid argument since not a single other team in the league considered Tebow playable, and the Broncos won a playoff game with him under center. Of course, statistically Gase looked good until last year, since he was the OC for the Broncos. I am, however, hesitant to really credit Gase with the success of those Bronco teams. I think that Peyton may deserve more credit.

Gase then took over as OC for the Bears, where he proudly rode the 23rd ranked 2014 scoring offense of Alshon Jeffery, Matt Forte, and Jay Cutler to the tune of the 23rd ranked scoring offense in the league in 2015, scoring about a point more per game than the 27th ranked Dolphins. Erego, with a worse quarterback in Tannehill, worse receivers in Jarvis Landry and Davante Parker, and a worse running back in Lamar Miller, Gase should be expected to do slightly worse with the Miami offense than he did with the Chicago offense. Let’s say… 27th ranked scoring offense in the NFL. That is not the worse case scenario. The worst case scenario is that the Dolphins drop as far from the Bears as the Bears did from the 2014 Broncos, the best scoring offense in the league. A 22 spot drop would have the Dolphins as the 45th worst defense in the NFL. The slack will be filled by the CFL, taking one of the best football states and giving their crummy team to our cold blooded northern neighbors, the ultimate insult to Florida.

The defense, which should be good in theory, was not, is not, and will not be. Suh plays the game like an infantile Hulk. Would I play the Hulk? of course! Would I bemoan his complete lack of composure due to his infancy? Yes! 20/20 hindsight, Suh was, and will continue to be, the most disappointing player in the league (narrowly edging out Colin Kaepernick).

The one bright side is the return of Cameron Wake, undrafted pass rushing phenom. If you are a Dolphins fan, look forward to Cameron Wake’s .8 sacks per game as the best 5 minutes of the season.

stay tuned for more football!