Lightsabers Be Damned

Something goes bump in the night. You don’t want to ask Alexa to set the bedroom lights to “Chill” for fear of announcing your position. Nor do you want to get up and flick the light switch for the same reason. What do you do? Grab this “Defender” flashlight.

It’ll deter home invaders of all kinds — mammalian, hominid, and extraterrestrial alike.

Maybe the bump was caused by a friendly neighborhood trash panda. Those critters are always getting themselves into adorable trouble of all kinds. A quick 1000-lumen blast to the masked face of your procyonid prowler should scare her off.

Of course, this nocturnal bumping could be human-caused. It could be your partner sneaking into the larder for a spoonful of almond butter. Or it could be a stranger. In either case, wielding the flashlight like a cudgel, or spinning it threateningly in the style of an Irish beat cop, should deter.

Yet one other bump-causing agent should be borne in mind. It could be the bump of an alien — an extraterrestrial visitor sent to Earth to inspect its beige ranch-style homes. In this case, unfortunately, neither lumen-blasting or baton-twirling will prove enough to ward off this intergalactic interloper.

You’ll need to add a fog machine to your anti-burgling kit. By shooting protons through the fog, your Yukon Outfitters flashlight will look like a badass light-claymore. Even the doughtiest, anal-probiest alien will shrink in fear at this weapon.

Oh, you could also, like, use it as a flashlight when the power goes out or whatever. But that’s boring.