Hello. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This blog is a work in progress. My desire is to educate both the general public as well as physicians on the use of Ketamine for treating chronic clinical depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 18. I spent nearly 30 years after that searching for treatment to pull me from the depths of suicidal depression, daily panic attacks, insomnia and agoraphobia. I have spent countless times in psych hospitals, often for long periods. I have been prescribed practically every antidepressant on the market at one time in my life. The side effects alone have horror stories that could easily fill an entire 700 page novel. I have felt so desperate to escape the hell I was constantly living in that I tried ECT (electroconvulsive therapy, otherwise known as shock therapy). I believe that after a couple decades of seeking out treatments and several different varieties of therapy to no avail I truly began to believe that maybe it was “all in my head”. However, I could never wrap my mind around that because I was sincerely convinced that I would never willingly choose the world I was suffocating in daily.

Fast forward to 2015, I am once again deep in the pit of depression. I see no hope. I am done fighting. I have attempted to take my life so many times that I can’t recall a number; suicidal depression is always calling your name. January 2015, my light went out. I honestly had no fight left in me. Those of you that suffer know exactly what I mean. Trust me when I say treatment resistant depression is exhausting. I felt like I was fighting an evil so big, dark and all encompassing I couldn’t breathe. I was done. It was my most serious attempt. I left a note that no action should be taken. I apologized, but I could only pray that one day they would know and understand that I loved them and stuck around so, so long for them. The pain, hopelessness and the lack of successful treatment drove me to actions, that unfortunately many understand while others will never get it; to those individuals please be grateful you are so blatantly unaware of the world we were unknowingly and unwillingly sucked into. My last attempt was a serious one. I was so frustrated and angry when I was unsuccessful. My therapist and husband went into research mode and both were equally excited about this new treatment they found for treatment resistant depression: Ketamine infusions. The only problem was that it was a new treatment and insurance won’t cover the cost. I know for many, including myself, the cost of mental health puts a financial burden on the family. We didn’t have extra money to invest in an unknown expensive treatment. I was so angry. Why do we have to put a monetary value on what we are worth? I was at the end. I knew with everything in me I would keep trying to take my life until I was successful because the life I was living was no life at all. My husband and therapist realized I was unreachable. They kept pushing me to give it a try. We used our entire income tax return and traveled to New Jersey (we live in Virginia and at the time there were no clinics or facilities providing Ketamine infusions there) to the Ketamine Treatment Center of Princeton.

It took everything in me to stay alive until we received our tax refund and could travel to the treatment center. It was the longest five weeks of my life. It was filled with doubt that Ketamine infusions could even help me and that driving desire to end my life. In the end, I had 6 infusion treatments over a two week period. And I am thrilled to admit it changed the direction of my life. I was fortunate enough to learn that a doctor in Charlottesville, Va was willing to start trying intramuscular Ketamine shots. When I returned home to Virginia I was feeling rather strange, but in a hopeful positive manner. When I was asked what it was like I could only compare it to an individual that has been deaf all their life and they undergo cochlear implants. I imagine once they wake from surgery everything in their world is shifted, new, scary and a little shocking. I felt like I was experiencing life from the shoreline instead of under the vast powerful ocean waters. My life, it has not been the same. I have discovered me. It is still a lot of personal growth work and I struggle, but Ketamine has allowed me to see clearly. It gives me the ability to do the work because it pulls me up and out of the debilitating depression. I get Ketamine shots every two weeks now. I want to share my experiences, educate, possibly change a flawed belief system, as well as force insurance companies to pay for the cost of treatment. And trust me, the cost is a fraction of the cost of hospitalizations and traditional methods of treatment. In my blog I plan to document my Ketamine treatments, the effects, how it is changing my life, educate others suffering with treatment resistant depression, discuss changing insurance policies to include Ketamine treatments and if I am effective in my writings I am really hoping to open the eyes of psychiatrist and physicians alike.

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