Two weeks ago, the Mets announced their promotional schedule for the 2015 season. As I did in 2014, I broke down the best promotions of the schedule. This may be the first Mets season in a long time where the product on the field is better than the products given out for free off the field. On to the rankings:

39.

If you wear a fedora, you are an asshole. If you wear a fedora that was given away at a Mets game, you should probably kill yourself*

*This does not hold true for Bruno Mars, who is the only person in the world that can successfully pull off a fedora.

38.

Oh, a giveaway that only kids can wear. Awesome! *FART NOISE*. Kids get to live life carefree without having to work or pay bills. There is no room in baseball for kids giveaways.

37.

I only really believe in fitted hats, so that’s the first strike against the cap. I also hate when my hats are plastered with an advertisement. I usually end up giving these away to homeless people on my way home.

36.

For me to wear orange, it needs to be a fire flame shirt (we call that foreshadowing, folks).

35.

I can’t put an unknown shirt too high, and it will be too cold to wear said shirt.

34.

Fireworks on a cold Saturday night in April? Hit the bricks, kid.

33.

Meh on meh on meh on mehhhh

32.

This looks like a shirt your mom would buy for you at Macy’s.

31.

This looks like the OTHER shirt your mom would buy for you at Macy’s.

30.

I have a Johan jersey drawstring bag, which is slightly thinner than saran wrap. If it had rained that day, I am pretty sure the bag would have dissolved into nothing.

29.

Fireworks on a night where Matt Harvey successfully outduels Stephen Strasburg for the third time that season as it becomes evident that this indeed a dream season? Hell yes.

28.

Fireworks on an unseasonably warm September night as the Mets clinch the NL East against the Yankees? Fairytale stuff.

27.

Since the player is unnamed, I can’t really get behind this promotion yet. If by some chance the player becomes Bartolo The Gremlin Colon, this moves into the Top 5.

26.

I loooooove this shirt calling back to the old neon light figures on Shea Stadium. However, the colors are different and kinda 80s-ish. Also, I randoly hate Caesars and Atlantic City with a passion. So the shirt drops in the rankings.

25.

I love the Grandyman and stand behind his signing to this day. But there is almost no chance he is getting any play on my wall, since he will likely be batting .220 (at best) by the time this game happens. But if Kevin Long can work his magic again, Curt may have 25 dingers by then.

24.

I hate Hess trucks and this is a ghetto Hess truck in my mind. Next.

23.

I don’t know what the deal is with this shirt. Is that supposed to be Matt Harvey? And is he standing in front of the Berlin Wall? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, this shirt moves up the rankings. Obviously I found the Berlin Wall fascinating.

22.

I’ve never gone from hating a player to loving a player like I did with Big D Duda. This growth chart is great because Duda is enormous and just a funny looking guy. Meanwhile, Ike Davis just got DFA’d by the Pirates.

21.

A fleece blanket to use during the Mets playoff run is great in theory, but these blankets are usually too small for even Jose Altuve.

20.

Getting a list of next year’s victims as we get ready for the playoffs should be fun.

19.

I love the magnetic schedule promotion, since it is a subtle way to let everyone know that you were at Opening Day without being a complete hardo about it. This schedule will be the perfect introduction for my Mets 2015 World Champions scrap book.

18.

I still occasionally will buy a pack of baseball cards just because I am a recovering addict from years ago. Throwing a magnetic card of little d (the worst nickname of all-time) will help calm the urge.

17.

This falls under the same thought process as the d’Arnaud giveaway, but for some reason I feel like Wheeler will be better than d’Arnaud next season.

16.

I have no idea who the player will be, but I don’t see any Harvey giveaways yet. I bet he somehow starts this game and goes 8 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 1 W. I will retweet this if (and by if I mean when) it happens.

15.

A passive-aggressive shirt that states the Mets own New York? Sign me up!

14.

The only thing better than seeing who your baseball team will beat is looking at the boy next store while doing so. David Wright is the Derek Jeter of baseball (except without the rings or STDs).

13.

I don’t know what is going on with this shirt. Is it supposed to have an emoji theme? If not, why is there a happy face? However, if I wear this shirt, the younger crowd will probably think I am hip. (Yes I realize the fact that I just used hip means that I am clearly not hip. It’s called sarcasm, folks. Read a book).

12.

Replica jersey?!? That would be one of the best promotions ever if it was legit. But I am guessing it will be semi-bootleg. I would rather spend $25 on a Chinese website to get a fake authentic jersey. But nonetheless, A for effort by the marketing team trying to trick simple-minded Mets fans (AKA me).

11.

Mr. Met is my homeboy, so I love this shirt.

10.

When you are older like I am and have a wife, you somehow always need tote bags whenever you leave the house. So this is actually a godsend for poor souls like myself.

9.

Juan Lagares. So hot right now.

8.

David Wright. So hot and cute forever (said in a mostly heterosexual tone).

7.

I went to the Boyz II Men concert last year and it became a PARTY once the show began. My top 5 realistic acts for this year’s series:

5. Phil Collins. Nothing gets a baseball (read: white) crowd more amped than an electric rendition of In The Air Tonight. I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

4. Run DMC. I was too young to really get into them and obviously Jam Master Jay died. But I respect them as a Queens artist like Nas and 50 Cent.

3. Mariah Carey. Is she too big for this? Probably. But I’d love to cross her off the bucket list. “One Sweet Day” not being played at the Boyz II Men concert was a glaring omission.

2. Ja Rule. Sure he fell off the map, but when Ja was rapping with every R&B chick in the game, nothing was hotter. Plus he is another hip hop artist from Queens. So that counts for something, right?

1. Queen (with anyone but Adam Lambert). I loooooove Queen. The only thing I know about Adam Lambert is that I don’t like him one bit.

6.

See above.

5.

Nothing beats pledging your allegiance to the Mets by taking your towel out at the beach. By the time it is beach season, chicks will be leaking over the Mets. You will have to beat the ladies away from you with a stick once this towel comes out. And it is not easy to find sticks on the beach. You’ve been warned.

4.

The best lettuce in the game can watch lettuce grow in your garden. A match made in heaven. God I love Jacob deGrom.

3.

Fire. Flames.

2.

Sight unseen, I neeeeed this bobblehead. Lagares is my guy. If the Mets have a brain, they will give Juanny Beisbol’s bobblehead a gold glove.

1.

Cocaine for everyone! I don’t know what the bobblehead will look like, but it will likely be a solid 8.5/10 just based on the characters who played on that team. If they could somehow put Kevin Mitchell on there with a beheaded cat, the rating automatically goes to a 10/10. Do the right thing, Mets merchandising department.