Finally, ‘climate change’ has revealed its true, heaven-sent purpose: Coldplay are so worried about it that they have decided not to tour their new album.

The pantywaist band’s chief-bedwetter, singer Chris Martin has said that he doesn’t want to take their show on the road till he can be sure it’s carbon neutral.

“We’re not touring this album. We’re taking time to see how our tour can be actively beneficial.”

So let’s make it our mission to show Chris that this is an impossible dream: the jet flights; the pantechnicons transporting all that gear; the fossil fuels powering the lighting rigs and the sound systems…

Even if Sir Elton John were to donate his entire fortune to paying for their carbon offsets, like he did for Prince Harry and Meghan, it still wouldn’t be anywhere near enough to undo the environmental and acoustic damage inflicted on the world every time Chris Martin steps onto a stage and sings Yellow.

It’s quite possibly true that for every one of their mawkish, piano-driven, stadium rock, wave-your-iPhone-in-the-air-like-it’s-a-cigarette-lighter crowdpleasers Coldplay inflict on the audience, the following animals die painfully:

6 baby polar bears 8,000 snail darters a blue whale a koala (burned to death by a bush fire with no nice friendly passing lady to rescue it by wrapping it in her shirt) an endangered kakapo parrot.

If true, this is appalling – and should be more than reason enough to stop Coldplay touring forever.

If not true, well, you can’t be too careful. Perhaps they should be banned from touring anyway, just in case.

Once Coldplay have got the message, it’s important that we encourage other eco-conscious bands to follow their noble example. U2, surely, will see sense and henceforth confine themselves to that fancy hotel they have in Dublin, if it’s still going; also, in my view Bruno Mars would do his reputation the power of good if he no longer played anywhere in the world to anyone; ditto The 1975, a band which recently recorded a track with Greta Thunberg.

You’ll all be able to think of other suitable candidates to help save the planet, I’m sure.

Every cloud has a silver lining. It has certainly made me look on Extinction Rebellion in a much more favourable light now I realise that their facile, scientifically illiterate, eco-fascist scaremongering has had the beneficial effect of creating an environment where Coldplay no longer feel able to perform.