there are so many words in this title! let me know why! now!

Sometimes these posts, these recipes, are inspired by Facebook. My own statuses, to be exact. Feel free to engage in some harmless guffawing. It’s kind of embarrassing, sure, in the way we are all supposed to generally accept that Facebook is embarrassing. I mean, my iPad capitalizes it for me. That’s capital E embarrassing. Right?

No. Facebook, auto capitalized or not, is hardly something to be ashamed of. Not to me. Not in my life. Embarrassing is basing a post/recipe/a portion of my life on spending too much time and money at Whole Foods. That’s just fucking ridiculous. Unleash the scornful guffaws.

Let me break it down. I spend entirely too much money at Whole Foods. Mint.com has me believing I spend every dollar I earn/come into (how is that “coming into money” is a thing we say? Oh wait. Ew.) on exactly three things: rent, designer clothing, and locally individually jarred wasabi pickled green beans with clever brand names. (Clever and delicious. The best of both worlds?)

Whatever. It’s my money and, like my body, I do what I want. But, as is my forever and ever style, I digress. The problem – fuck, the inspiration – here stems from Going to Whole Foods While Hungry. You know, GTWFWH. It’s dangerous. It’s chayote dangerous.

The fuck are chayotes, you ask? Good question. Chayotes are the things you buy when you are overwhelmed/dazzled/shell shocked from your tummy growling in the produce section.

“Well, doesn’t this seem interesting,” your stomach growls. And you pick one up. Scratch that, you pick up two. Because who knows? Maybe you need twice the amount of chayotes anyone in the world has never before needed?

The best part of GTWFWH is always when you get home and you are forced to make amends with your ill-fated decisions. (I swear that is not a jar of artisanal curry salsa eyeballing you from my fridge. Next to the 3 others.) You need to make something good. No. Better than good. And it needs to feed a small army. A cavalry. Fuck, it needs to feed both man and horse. Basically, you have to make use of the millions (ok, 100) dollars of shit in your delightfully quirky reusable bags. (I Got My Turkey at Whole Foods! Punch Me in the Fucking Face!)

You have to make a tofu scramble.

You have to make the most epic tofu scramble of all time.

And so you do.

This is a three parter, guys. Scramble, spread, and relish. That’s how much I overspent at Whole Foods. That’s how guilty I feel.

I’m lying about the feeling guilty part. I spent no less than $2,700 at Whole Foods since July 2012 and I have no regrets*.

*no food regrets. I certainly regret a lot of outfits, boys, nights, shoe purchases, drinks, open tabs, ATM fees, ikea runs, and that jamming jar I bought at Crate & Barrel. The fuck am I going to make jam? I have 16oz of sprouted organic tofu and two chayotes to cook. I’m kind of busy.



TOFU SCRAMBLE WRAPS

with MAPLE PEANUT BUTTERNUT SQUASH SPREAD and SPICY CHAYOTE RELISH

TOFU SCRAMBLE

serves 4-6, 2 wraps each with 1/3 to ½ a cup of scramble each (one serving = 2/3 to 1 cup of scramble, in other words)

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon vegan buttery spread

¼ cup shallots, diced

2 cloves of garlic, minced

16oz firm tofu, dried and crumbled

80g chayote, peeled and diced

80g tomatoes, diced

100g portobello mushrooms, diced

10 or so banana pepper rings + 1 tablespoon of the pickling liquid

¼ cup vegetable stock

1 tablespoon nutritional yeast

1 teaspoon red miso paste (use a gluten-free miso paste or omit for gluten-free folks)

1 teaspoon turmeric

½ teaspoon dried basil

½ teaspoon paprika

½ teaspoon cumin

½ teaspoon cayenne

Salt and pepper to taste

2 ounces vegan mozzarella (or cheese of choice)

Kale leaves

MAPLE PEANUT BUTTERNUT SQUASH SPREAD

makes 3/4 cup

Ingredients:

350g butternut squash, cubed

2 teaspoons of vegan butter, melted

2 teaspoons maple syrup

¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon

2 tablespoons peanut butter

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees for the squash. Toss your squash pieces we the melted butter, maple syrup, and cinnamon. Roast for 30-40 minutes.

Plop your butter into a wok or frying own over medium heat. Toss the shallots in and cook til translucent. Add the garlic and cook for another 30 seconds or so. Throw the crumbled tofu in and toss about with the shallots and garlic. Add in the turmeric and mix about. Add the chayote and cook it all for a few minutes. Add the mushrooms, banana peppers and juice, tomatoes, and vegetable stock. Cook a bit add in the nutritional yeast, miso paste and herbs and spices. Cook cook cook until the mushrooms are soft and browning. Adjust the seasonings as you see fit. When everything seems good and cooked, add the vegan cheese and allow it to cook long enough that it can melt into the whole mixture. Remove from the heat. Make your spread, I insist!

In a food processor, dump your roasted butternut squash and the two tablespoons of peanut butter. Purée. Congrats, you have Maple Peanut Butternut Squash Spread. It’s really that easy. Also, it’s a boy and it has your ears. On to the relish!

SPICY CHAYOTE RELISH

makes enough to compliment your 4-6 servings of Tofu Scramble Wraps

Ingredients:

80g chayote, peeled and diced

80g tomatoes, diced

20g shallots, diced

1 tablespoon seasoned lite rice vinegar

2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

½ teaspoon red miso paste (use a gluten-free miso paste or omit for gluten-free folks)

½ teaspoon sriracha

½ teaspoon hot chili sauce

½ teaspoon fennel seeds

Whisk together the vinegars, miso paste, sriracha, hot chili oil, and fennel seeds. Toss the chayote and the tomatoes with the liquid. Put it all in the fridge to marinade for a bit. Really as long as the tofu scramble takes to cook is aok.

TOFU SCRAMBLE WRAPS: ASSEMBLE!

Each serving is 2 wraps. Pull off a kale leave. Rib side up, spread 1-2 tablespoons of spread down the spine. Spread 1/3 – 1/2 a cup of tofu scramble on top. Add some chayote relish. Douse it all in sriracha. Wrap it up, repeat, have yourself a fantastic fucking time, okay?