13.1 steps to running a Half-assed PR

How not to run a PR in the Half Marathon:

Step 1. Do not plan on running the race. Planning takes considerable effort and could distract from overeating and alcohol consumption the week prior.

Step 2. Do not taper. To ensure maximum leg tightness and doubt, run hard Thursday evening and cross-train for the first time in 6 weeks on Friday evening. Saturday, help a friend build a shed. You will not need these muscles tomorrow.

Step 3. “Register” 18 hours in advance. Be sure to self-justify bib-borrowing by actually filling out the safety and contact information on the back.

Step 4. Eat doughnuts, cookies, and Sonic for lunch the day before. If tots are unavailable, substitute fries. They’re all potatoes, what’s the difference.

Step 5. Figure out race day logistics in the morning. Pinning bibs on, setting out clothes, and prepping morning nutrition/hydration can add unnecessary stress to the night before a race. Do these in the morning; there will be plenty of time.

Step 6. Do not look where to park, or where to walk to after parking. Critics will say the shortest distance from parking lot to start line on raceday is best, but the mile walking tour of fair park at 6:30AM in 37 degrees is truly an underrated Dallas treasure.

Step 7. Pee. Oh wait! I did this one right!

Step 8. Do not study the course map or elevation. Everyone loves surprises.

Step 9. Line up “somewhere near the front” with absolutely no plan for the race. The 6:00 – 8:30 pace range sounds about right.

Step 10. Begin race. Decide the race is a training run but continue to pass the masses.

Step 11. Do not look at watch. Look at watch 5 miles in to see 6:31 average lap pace. Continue to accelerate with no pace in mind.

Step 12. Throw hammer down at 8 until a girl comes up from behind at 10.5 miles. Accelerate to prevent “chicking.”

Step 13. Cross finish line hoping that race emcee does not look at bib and read off name associated with bib.

Step 13.1 Look at final time, realize shattered PR, begin to wonder if I should half-ass all my races. 😉