I’m not saying I’m some kind of giant hedonistic slut, but I have been around the block a time or two. In my nearly 15 years of sexin’, I’ve curated quite a collection of varieties of people whose wang-a-dang-doodles have had occasion to come into contact with various parts of my person. As such, I would estimate that I can accurately gauge the size of your Jimmy Johnson from ten paces, after some simple, but careful observations.

I will detail these criteria by height for ease of identification.

6’2″-6’4″

If he is this tall but possesses a naturally skinny or unhealthily thin build, his penis will match this build. It will be long, and skinny. Likely 5 1/2″-6″ at a maximum. As a person, this man will probably be seriously emotionally damaged and hate women a little bit but insist he doesn’t. He will try to please you, but if he doesn’t he’ll get really upset or blame you for it.

If he is this tall, but merely slender, i.e. possessing the height and weight common to the Northern European men of our upper Midwest region, his penis size will match these parameters, proffering a pleasing thickness and length of up to 7 1/2″, but never under 5 1/2″. He’ll be about a 7 1/2 on the Lay Scale, too. These guys will generally become thicker bodily after their 27th year, and frequently possess an intellectual superiority focused on philosophy, art or film that’s super annoying but also kind of hot.

If he is this height, but of a naturally thicker build who may or may not have been kind of a fatty in his teens and early 20s, perhaps with a slight protrusion of belly leftover that never quite goes away no matter how much he rides his bike or hikes up a mountain, and he looks like he could quite wield an axe upon some trees, then he will likely have the loveliest cock imaginable. While I prefer a man to be between 5’10” and 6’2″, in height, there is much to be said for this type of man and I pretty much promise that at 6’2″-6’4″, he will be sporting a dong that can make you sing a song. It will also, by some freak biological anomaly, be the rock-hardest erection you’ll ever come into contact with, the kind you could crack a tooth on if you’re not careful.

5’10”-6’1″

At this height range, I will only go into the build that offers the best goods. Look out for them, as they are really great for one-night stands or brief deeply fucked up relationships that make you completely question everything in a really good way.

This fellow will unerringly have a meat whistle that is attached to a body that can fuck like a porn star, and pretty much only like a porn star. Do not expect any kind of eye contact or emotional connection, just jump on for the orgasms and learn to laugh when he dismounts immediately after to drink orange juice or do pushups. What is this build? Well, it’s the one oft found on bicycle punks who may or may not shower super often who are of a slight build, but not technically skinny, just…rangy. Like, you would never, ever want to get into a fight with them because they could fucking KILL YOU. Which is, of course, also the quality that makes them fuck like a porn star. These men will have a dick that’s a nice thickness and about 6 1/2″ inches in length. Nothing to complain about. They will frequently be completely shit-faced and may or may not have a black eye.

5’7″-5’9″

This height range can be a crap shoot, and you’ll have to have a keen eye to glean the best comeliness of cock from them. The best in this height range are often better lays than taller men because, as their dicks are generally of average size, then they’ve had to learn how to use their hands and their tongues for hundreds of indecent and thoroughly enjoyable purposes. These ones to look for skew toward the petite, but not skinny end of the spectrum. Similar to the rangy build of the previous man-dish, these guys lack the rigidity of musculature of those fellows, and really can just be best described as petite. They will have weens up to 6″ in length, with a wholly satisfying girth. You will find yourself having multiple orgasms and will be attended to both emotionally and physically. Outside of sex, they will be oddly emotionally unavailable and deny being in love with you after telling you they’re in love with you.

Last, and least, the warning: there are two builds in this height range which are never suitable for a sport fuck, but can be excellent dating material if you’re not really interested in sex. They will be either squishy or barrel chested. If barrel chested, they will have what I can only accurately describe as monkey face. They will be incredible kissers and snugglers, but will lack penis size or the drive to satisfy you sexually. They will make excellent rebound relationships or men to commit to when the whole world frightens you. Even though the sex never really manifests in a orgasmic kind of way, they’re the kind of men who are sweet but just enough of an asshole that you will continue to be kind of in love with them the rest of your life and kind of wish you didn’t really need to get your head rammed into a headboard at least once a week because they’re really good guys.

– Sarah Moeding could use a deep dickin’ about now. She’s friends with most of her exes, and wrote this while listening to Justin Timberlake.