I’ve seen and heard about many success stories concerning OkCupid. People meet, they like each other, get married and have kids thanks to this website. It works, it really does, there’s no doubt about that. Have I used it? Yes, of course, who hasn’t? You, obviously. Has it worked out for me? Yes and no. I met some girls, I went out with some of them and that was that. Great people, really. It was worth it, even if I didn’t end up having a meaningful relationship with any of them, it was a lot of fun.

Haven’t tried it? You really should. But before you do so, there’s some stuff you should know. And since I’m feeling so generous today– actually, am I ever not generous?– I’ll help you guys out. Boys and girls, get ready for some real talk.

Boys, it’s all about the My Details section.

Click on the image on the left. Now, this is the perfect configuration for any male profile. See this as a cheat sheet that’ll help you out in the OkCupid world. Smokes? No. It’s 2012. No one likes people who smokes, FACT #1. Drinks? Socially, of course. Two birds, one stone : you drink and you’re social. Now, that’s something girls like. Drugs? Sometimes. Risky, I know, but trust me on this one : stoner chicks are a lot of fun. Laugh about religion, even if you’re some christian nut. You’ll have plenty of time to indoctrinate your SO in the long run, so don’t worry about that. Education? Dropped out of space camp. YOU ARE HILARIOUS. Well, I came up with it, so I am, but you’re the one reading it! So, yeah, FACT #2: Girls like a man that makes them laugh. Dropped out of space camp? You’re already the funniest guy she knows and she doesn’t even actually know you. That one’s free.

Income? Self explanatory. Has dogs and likes cats. Have you ever met a girl that doesn’t like cats? You have got to play safe. Mention C++, oh please, mention C++. You don’t want to ostracize yourself from nerdy girls. Fill out the rest by yourself with the truth, you don’t want to lie about your height, age or weight. Oh no, you don’t… right?

Girls, it’s all about your profile picture.

I’m not being sexist. I’m not reducing you to your appearance, don’t worry. You should, of course, choose a picture that shows your good side. That’s obvious, you don’t need my advice for that. What I want to get to is the kind of picture you’ll use.

Don’t use any pictures in which you’re : skydiving, climbing a mountain or doing some kind of extreme sports. Why? Quite simple : guys that are on OkCupid are lazy. They’re so lazy, they’re not even making an effort to meet women in real life. They want the Internet to do it for them. They want to choose, point and click the girls they like. Do you actually think they want some girl that’ll make them climb mountains and jump out of planes? I don’t think so, sister. Think about it. That’s really all the advice I can give to girls. The rest is up to you. Google it.

Oh, oh! Here’s an idea : take a picture of you drinking some beer, they dig that “social drinking” thing. That is all.

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Life lesson : Following the OkCupid etiquette is what will get all that dating you’re looking for.

ACTUAL ADVICE : Dating is supposed to be fun. Online dating is supposed to be fun, but it is sometimes the worst. Be yourself, take a chance, and don’t take it too seriously.

PROTIP : Quiver matches never answer. Don’t bother messaging them.