It finally happened, folks! The FCC has just released a steamy batch of decisions concerning alleged cases of indecency on television. After cooking in the ever-efficient bureaucratic easy-bake for up to 4 years, the feds made up their minds regarding pending TV complaints at long last.

We urge you to thumb through the decisions (and footnotes for added comic relief): 2004 Superbowl Halftime (aka nipplegate) | Without a Trace | Batch Decisions (aka Omnibus, including The Surreal Life 2, Billboard Music Awards, The Blues: Godfathers and Sons, The Simpsons, etc.), so that you can laugh along with us. Then cry. Here's a wrap-up of what the FCC's been discussing for the past year or so (your tax dollars at work)...

Not OK

- Simulated teen sex and making out (no nudity) between hetero couples, girl in bra and panties engaged in implied group sex, all during a flashback segment for a rape investigation (Without A Trace, CBS). Pricetag: $3.6 million! Because teens don't have sex. Or get raped. Ever.

- Split-second of exposed nipple (2004 Super Bowl, CBS). Pricetag: $550,000!

- Pixelated breasts, the kissing of pixelated breasts, spanking, pixelated nude women, and Ron Jeremy's mere presence (The Surreal Life 2, Pool Party Episode, WB). Pricetag: $27,500.

- Non-nude rape scene (Con El Corazon En La Mano, Telemundo). Pricetag: $32,500.

- Topless woman with pastie-covered nipples (Fernando Hidalgo Show, WJAN in Miami). Pricetag: $32,500.

- Visual and vocal allusions to masturbation, thong-clad women bump-n-grind, spanking, vocal allusion to anal sex, female-female breast and butt-fondling, fully-clothed oral sex simulation, fully-clothed lap dance (Video Musicales, Aerco TV, Puerto Rico). Pricetag: $220,000.

- Repeated utterances of "fuck" and "shit" in a non-Saving Private Ryan broadcast (The Blues: Godfathers and Sons, documentary produced by PBS, aired on non-commercial community college station KSCM-TV). Pricetag: $15,000.

- Shit, holy shit, horseshit, bullshit, oh shit, shit-eating, owl shit (The Pursuit of D.B. Cooper, KTVI-TV, St. Louis). Pricetag: $27,500.

What could be more entertaining than an entire federal commission utilizing tons of public resources over long periods of time to mull over the merits of the term "wang" and argue over whether Janet's pastie-covered nipple was exposed for 19/32 or 9/16 of a second (I told you to read those footnotes)?

Double-standards ahoy

Fuck and shit are ok in a broadcast of Saving Private Ryan, but not a blues documentary? Brief, fleeting frontal nudity is ok in a broadcast of Schindler's List, but not during the Super Bowl halftime show or a talk show? Pixelation just isn't enough to protect the public from naked boobs? Non-nude scenes that merely imply sex aren't kosher any longer?

And let's not even begin to pierce the surface of the glaring racial and gender politics weaved into these decisions...