Hi,

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I am not an adulterer myself, but I hope this qualifies under the "thinking about affairs" requirement for posts. If not, please delete. I just don't know where to place this post.

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Approximately two months ago, I (35M), found information in my wife's (27F) phone/texts and email chain that provided irrefutable evidence that she has been cheating on me for (per my best guess/estimate) approximately a year.

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The complication is that she has been cheating on me with her ex, who is also the biological father of our three children. At first I was completely horrified, feeling betrayed, put down as a person, and a variety of negative emotions. But approximately three days after I found out I started to have emotions that are almost the opposite, that are harder for me to understand.

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I felt an almost erotic feeling to the situation, and had mental images of them having sex, my wife being in ecstasy, and her overall quality of life (and mine by extension) being raised by her pursuing what she apparently wants. I also did some internal processing and began to understand from a purely rational perspective what was happening (basically, it's just a biological impulse, but it doesn't say anything negative about me as a person, and I'm not a bad person).

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I don't want to lose her, or cause conflict for our family. So my questions are a) how do I bring to her attention that I know she's been cheating on me, and b) how do I let her know I'm actually okay with it but just want to set up certain boundaries for her relationship with him?

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Thanks for reading and any help. Again, if this doesn't count as an acceptable post, please delete and my apologies

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