The new BMW M5 is so incredible that it can actually cure AIDS. That’s according to reports emerging from the new super saloon’s press launch in Spain.

Early road tests of the car also note that, aside from ‘an incredible engine’ and ‘a sublime chassis’, the latest M car can also ‘banish famine’ and ‘eradicate drought’. At least one journalist also noted that with the seven-speed double clutch gearbox in ‘sport+’ mode, gearchanges are ‘lightning fast’ and can ‘broker a lasting peace in the Middle East’.

Despite these remarkable abilities, several writers have also pointed out that the M5 is still capable of ‘seating four adults in comfort’ and ‘making you better looking and more successful’ whilst the right combination of chassis and ESP settings make the driver not only ‘marvel at its understeer resistance’ but also ‘a more considerate lover’.

Sniff Petrol tried to contact several of the car journalists who have driven the new M5 to find out more but they had all gone blind.