



What do lobsters have to do with Christmas? Absolutely Nothing! Ho, Ho, Ho!













1. A lobster's brain is located in its throat, its nervous system in its abdomen, its teeth in its stomach, and its kidneys in its head. It also hears using its legs, and tastes with its feet. This is because lobsters are monsters from a parallel dimension, deserving nothing but our violence and butter.





2. Some lobsters have right-handed crusher claws, while others have left-handed crusher claws. The latter are considered lobster witches, and set aflame. This is ineffective.





3. Female lobsters are attracted to the size of the male lobster's crusher claw, even though it's how you use it that counts.





4. Scientists have attempted to grow lobsters with two crusher claws, because scientists get bored too.





These are lobster reindeer pajama pants, and a clear reminder that humans have an infinite capacity to invent useless things.







5. After a lobster molts, it will often eat its old shell to absorb the calcium to strengthen their new, soft shell. Other lobsters consider this gross, so most do this in private.



6. You cannot eat your pants to grow stronger skin.



7. Lobsters do not grow old and weak. They keep growing forever, and scientists have no idea how old they can get. You can still kill them though. I do it all the time.



8. Even though lobsters don't die of old age, they do die of exhaustion due to molting at increasingly large sizes. This means finding a hidden Cthulhu Lobster Beast in the Atlantic is, unfortunately, unlikely.





It's Santa and his elves!





9. Female lobsters can carry male sperm for up to 15 months before choosing to fertilize the eggs. Lobsters refer to this as "planned parenthood."



10. Female lobsters can carry fertilized eggs from multiple male partners, as they are not monogamous. Claudia the Lobster carries fertilized eggs from an unknown amount of male partners, because Claudia gets around.



11. If you put an infinite number of lobsters in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, given enough time one of them will eventually write Hamlet. They will, however, take longer than the monkeys.





Unfortunately progress on Hamlet is severely stunted because of lobster Facebook addiction.







12. Lobsters eat each other. Sometimes humans eat each other. This is less common.



13. Lobsters cannot swim, or read.



14. Lobster fishermen are known as "lobstermen." Lobsters refer to them as "jerks."



15. "Lobstermen" and "Lobsterman" are two very different things.





Yup. Very different.





16. The largest lobster ever caught was in Nova Scotia in 1977. He weighed 44.4 pounds, and measured 3ft. 6in. His name was Raymond, and he had a family, you monsters.



17. A group of lobsters is referred to as a "risk" of lobsters. This word was invented when all those other silly words for groups of animals were invented. My favorite is a "business of ferrets" because I imagine a bunch of ferrets in business suits!



18. To date, there has never been a human death attributed to lobsters. This makes the "Human-Lobster War" the most lopsided conflict in history.



19. You can put a lobster to sleep by balancing it on its face. In unrelated news, scientists have concluded that lobsters find yoga extremely boring.





Other animals that dislike being balanced on their faces? All of them!





20. Lobsters used to be prison food, only eaten by the poor, indentured, and detained. Because of multiple hunger strikes due to the lack of bibs and butter, the practice was discontinued in 1893.



21. Lobster brains are the same size as a grasshoppers. This makes lobsters really, really dumb. Like, really dumb.



22. Lobsters can regrow claws and legs when molting. After extensive in-house research, we have found that humans cannot regrow limbs. Sorry, Glen.





I gave you an extra one because Christmas.





- Merry Christmas! -