[epic music plays]

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign — this is Not Another D&D Podcast!

BRIAN MURPHY: Welcome back to Bahumia! I’m your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell Tanner, and Emily Axford.

JAKE HURWITZ: [as Hardwon; gruff voice] Hardwon—

EMILY AXFORD: [as Moonshine; southern drawl] That’s Moonshine.

CALDWELL TANNER: [as Beverly; high-pitched, excited voice] Hello!

JAKE: [speaking Spanish] Hola.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Is that Hardwon Surefoot’s…

JAKE: Actually, Hardwon does not know Spanish.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: How do you say ‘hello’ in Dwarven?

EMILY: “Languages: Dwarven and Spanish.”

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: But only because he worked in a Mexican restaurant. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] I know ‘quesadilla’ and ‘hola.’

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: You found a magical stone called Duolingo.

MURPH: Cool! So guys, let’s do a little recap and we can keep it loose and talk through it. Last session the party was at the Hungry Trout Inn and Tavern, that’s where you started—

EMILY: Mishka!

MURPH: — where you just decapitated some troublesome barbarian folk. Some of the townspeople and Mishka, the half-orc bartender, helped you hide the bodies.

JAKE: [crosstalk] We killed Kruk, is that right?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah. [laughs]

EMILY: Yeah, Kruk and Ganesh? No, Kruk and Guresh.

JAKE: Guresh.

MURPH: Guresh is not dead yet. Guresh is the head guy.

JAKE: Oh, Guresh is the big guy.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: Oh.

MURPH: Mishka told you that Guresh was the leader. You have not killed Guresh. You have not even met Guresh.

EMILY: Mishka was badass. Bitch fought a dragon.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] She did tell you that her and a group of townspeople had fought the dragon before the heroes ever came. So she is kind of a badass.

JAKE: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: She explained to you guys that these barbarians were part of the Cracked-Tooth Clan, and that they were pretty much running the town. Then you had your boy, Scoutmaster Denny, took you to visit Shae the Druid at the temple. She was the gray-haired, ageless Druid lady. Who—

EMILY: [crosstalk] Coward.

JAKE: So hot.

EMILY: Oh, my God. I just, like, want to go to her yoga retreat in Belize. [laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] I want to live in a yurt with her.

EMILY: Oh, my God, yes. Me and Shae in a yurt, just wrapped up in yoga mats.

[Caldwell & Murph laugh]

JAKE: That’s what’s keeping you warm in the bog right now. Just that thought.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Just drowning in chia seeds.

MURPH: So she blessed you guys, she healed you up, and she gave you some Scrolls of Water Walking. But then you guys elected— instead of using the Scrolls of Water Walking, you saved them, you elected to take a boat across. You snuck by that barbarian Druid dude, then traveled to a dilapidated dock on the other side of the bay. You headed into the swamp to search for the missing Green Teens, who were dragged off by the bullywugs. You picked up their trail and managed to kill a couple of the bullywug scouts. I believe Hardwon chopped one in half?

JAKE: That’s correct.

MURPH: And Beverly stabbed one into a tree. [laughs]

CALDWELL: A javelin right through the heart. Yeah.

EMILY: I feel like you’re really glossing over some of Hardwon’s failures. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: I don’t remember those.

MURPH: [laughs] Those haven’t happened yet.

JAKE: [rushed] Those came up— no, no, no, let’s continue with the recap. Like, really…

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: He was hit by two spears before that.

JAKE: Was he?

MURPH: You fell into a puddle later.

JAKE: I don’t know.

MURPH: Then you guys fought a giant snake.

JAKE: It was so long ago.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: That burst out of a murky pool of water.

JAKE: — and Hardwon killed the snake! Let’s get started with the episode!

[all laugh]

MURPH: Hardwon finished it off while yelling “Oppa Aladdin-style!” In reference, of course, to Beverly also yelling “Oppa Aladdin-style” earlier in the fight.

CALDWELL: Yeah. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Moonshine then cut up the snake—

JAKE: For a jambalaya.

MURPH: —to possibly make some jambalaya in the future.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah. Can we get a quick jambalaya recap? We have a frog leg…

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Yeah, you do have a frog leg.

CALDWELL: And some snakeskin, or just a big hunk of snake.

EMILY: Yeah. Snake, frog…

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: You know, I think we—

JAKE: [crosstalk; unintelligible]

MURPH: This is gonna be a hell of a stinky jambalaya.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: It’s gonna be a real aquatic jambalaya.

CALDWELL: No rice, no veggies. Just meat.

JAKE: Hardwon is not hungry.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Okay, so let’s get started.

CALDWELL: Yeah!

MURPH: So you guys are in this swamp. You’ve just killed this giant fifteen-foot long snake, body as thick as Hardwon’s neck. There’s this pool of muddy water in front of you that seems to work like quicksand. Beverly lost his javelin there.

CALDWELL: R.I.P.!

MURPH: You guys have a pretty good idea of what happens—

EMILY: Is it not frozen? I had frozen it.

MURPH: No, it does not freeze because your spell doesn’t work if there’s a creature in there.

CALDWELL: Yeah, no it—

MURPH: So I was just, for dramatic effect, saying that the snake burst through the ice.

EMILY: Oh.

JAKE: But there’s not actually—

MURPH: But actually your spell fizzled for practical purposes.

CALDWELL: Right.

EMILY: Humiliating.

CALDWELL: For those keeping track, Beverly—

MURPH: For those keeping track, I didn’t make a goddamn mistake. Don’t @ me.

CALDWELL: Yeah. Also—

MURPH: I’m gonna… [laughs] Every time…

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Every time I don’t follow the rules perfectly, I’m gonna say, “don’t @ me.”

JAKE: Don’t @ me.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Absolutely.

EMILY: Can I… Can Moonshine do a look to see if there are any hanging vines around?

MURPH: Give me an Investigation check. You can see that there are hanging vines, obviously. But let’s see how much you see.

EMILY: [rolls die] Uh, bitch, that’s gonna be, a, umm… [clears throat]

CALDWELL: That’s gonna be numbers!

EMILY: Eighteen!

CALDWELL: Yeah!

JAKE: Alright!

MURPH: Eighteen, wow, okay. You can see– so you’ve got this murky pool of quicksand. You know, some World War I-type water-mud in front of you.

JAKE: Oh.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: You see — around the vines and stuff — you see that there are some branches broken and stuff. And it looks like some of the bullywugs may have climbed up and jumped across.

CALDWELL: Oh!

JAKE: That’s how they get across.

MURPH: — to some hanging branches on the other side.

JAKE: Okay.

CALDWELL: Okay.

EMILY: Oh, so there’s not like a Tarzan vine?

MURPH: There is not a Tarzan vine.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Dang.

MURPH: You would need to climb across monkey-bar style.

CALDWELL: Gotcha.

EMILY: Oh, okay.

MURPH: Kind of ‘hang and swing’. You’d need to do a little jump.

CALDWELL: Hmm.

EMILY: I could do a little jump.

JAKE: Yeah?

CALDWELL: Do you want to do a little jump?

MURPH: You guys would have to climb up first.

CALDWELL: Okay.

EMILY: Yeah, I’ll climb up.

CALDWELL: Yeah!

MURPH: Okay, give me a Climb check. Athletics.

EMILY: [rolls die] Sixteen!

MURPH: Sixteen, great! You scurry up that tree. You’re able to work your way across the branches. And there’s a little jump that you can make to get to the branch of a tree on the other side.

EMILY: Uh, well. before I do that. I want my compatriots to join me up here, probably. Unless you guys want me to do recon?

JAKE: Yeah.

CALDWELL: So we can’t just walk around the puddle?

MURPH: You could, but it’s so—

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: But it’d be pretty lame.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: — so the puddle… It’s not a puddle, it’s not a puddle.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

JAKE: [crosstalk] It’s quicksand.

MURPH: It’s a giant pool of water.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: It goes twenty feet across to the other side, where you see the bullywugs tracks pick up again. And you see it, as far as you can see to the east, and as far as you can see to the west, it is going. So you can take the long way around, but you’re gonna need to do rolls for tracking, to see if you can find the bullywugs.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I gotcha. Mhm. Okay. Alright.

EMILY: Y’all, who am I kidding? Okay, wait a second. I’m gonna drop… I’ve got PawPaw’s leash, I’m gonna drop PawPaw’s leash and I can help you guys up.

CALDWELL: Oh!

MURPH: [laughs] Okay, sure.

CALDWELL: We also have rope. I feel like we all have rope.

MURPH: Yeah, you guys do have rope too. But you can use PawPaw’s leash, why not?

CALDWELL: But no, no. PawPaw’s leash. Can you make, wait, wait, wait—

EMILY: [crosstalk] The flavor though.

JAKE: Let’s let Beverly hop up on my shoulders, reach PawPaw’s leash, and… [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] No, no, no, I have a question. Does PawPaw’s leash have a harness aspect on it? Is it, like, one of those—?

EMILY: Yeah, so it is attached to PawPaw.

JAKE: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Okay, so, oh — it’s… [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: So she’s lowering PawPaw. [laughs] You grab PawPaw’s—

MURPH: PawPaw is on his leash right now, right?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: Yeah.

MURPH: So are you… is PawPaw… okay. So Moonshine—

EMILY: I can either lower PawPaw to you, or I can hold PawPaw and lower his leash.

CALDWELL: I’m gonna just—

JAKE: [laughs] But PawPaw cannot be unleashed.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Wait, okay, so are you hanging on to PawPaw’s leash, so you’re gonna be pulling up…? I guess you could pull up Beverly. He probably only weighs forty or fifty pounds.

EMILY: Yeah!

CALDWELL: Yeah, pull me up. Hardwon, you’re on your own. [laughs]

EMILY: Whoa.

JAKE: Godspeed.

MURPH: Okay, so PawPaw is on this leash.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: No, PawPaw is, like, in my overalls. And then I’ve wrapped the leash around one of the straps of the overall. And then I’m letting it down. So there’s sort of a belay—

MURPH: [crosstalk] Got it. Okay.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Smart.

EMILY: —safety to it.

CALDWELL: Ah, okay. I am going to strap myself into the harness.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Great. Beverly, like a good boy, clips into the leash. Give me a—

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. [shouting] Belay on!

[all laugh]

JAKE: Hardwon is just like: Shh! Shh!

MURPH: [imitating Beverly] “Ready, proceed!”

CALDWELL: I notice that you did a bad knot. So I fix your knot real quick. [laughs]

EMILY: I say: What are you fiddling with down there?

CALDWELL: Nothing! It’s just, I… some shoddy craftsmanship. But I have my Knotman’s Badge, so I’ll fix that right up for you!

EMILY: Okay, that’s real cute. Get on up here, child.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Here I go!

MURPH: [laughs] Okay, alright. So you’re climbing up with a leash? I guess I’ll give you Advantage on a Climb check. Go ahead and take it, buddy.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

EMILY: Yeah! ‘Cuz it’s a strong-ass leash. ‘Cuz PawPaw is muscular. He runs fast.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Alright, here we go.

MURPH: Yeah, PawPaw does try to run away all the time.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] Oh, that’s a ten, plus…

MURPH: Plus your Athletics.

CALDWELL: Oh, plus-five! Great.

MURPH: Great, fifteen. You scurry right up there.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Very nice.

MURPH: PawPaw starts lickin’ at you like crazy.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Suddenly he wants the leash now that he doesn’t have it.

[Emily & Jake laugh]

CALDWELL: Right. [laughs]

MURPH: And he starts kind of biting at ya. Kinda biting at the leash and pullin’.

CALDWELL: Ow! Oh, ow! No! PawPaw, please!

MURPH: Hardwon, that’s you, man. [laughs]

JAKE: Cool. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: He’s gonna roll a one.

EMILY: I shout down and say: Hardwon! Do you want the leash?

JAKE: I’m good! [laughs]

[Caldwell & Murph laugh]

EMILY: No, I dangle it down. I dangle it down in his face. [laughs]

JAKE: Hardwon ignores the leash…

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: — runs up, and, what do I roll? The twenty?

MURPH: Yeah, roll the d20, baby.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: I do, uh, plus my…

EMILY: You add Athletics.

MURPH: Plus your Athletics. Should be like a plus-six, right?

JAKE: My Athletics? Great. [rolls die] Okay, rolled an eight.

MURPH: [laughs] But that’s okay!

CALDWELL: [laughs] Alright, alright.

JAKE: But I got a plus-six, that’s fourteen.

MURPH: That’s a fourteen, cool. So Hardwon, not as easily as Beverly with the leash—

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

JAKE: [laughs; crosstalk] Oh, shit. He should’ve used the leash.

MURPH: — still manages to get up, with his pride mostly intact.

EMILY: Wow, Hardwon. Looks like the bark of the tree really scratched you up.

[Caldwell & Murph laugh]

JAKE: I’m fine.

EMILY: [laughs] You just got red marks all over you.

JAKE: [laughs] I’m a little too out of breath.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: I do offer him a Band-Aid.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: So you guys are up in this tree now. You need to do a little jump to reach the branch on the other side — or else you will fall fifteen feet down into this pool of quicksand.

CALDWELL: Could we use our rope — our actual rope, not our PawPaw harness—

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: — and lasso over to the other branch?

MURPH: Yeah, go for it.

CALDWELL: Okay, cool.

EMILY: Ooh! And then we could make a zip-line?

CALDWELL: We can make a zip-line.

JAKE: Yep.

MURPH: Okay, so you’re, in a way—

EMILY: Let’s make a zip-line, bitch.

JAKE: I wanna ride the zip-line with my axe.

EMILY: Yeah!

CALDWELL: That’s good.

MURPH: So you’re gonna try to tie a little lasso?

EMILY: [crosstalk] I’m gonna ride with my scimitar and then break it. [laughs]

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: Just shaves it off.

JAKE: “You’re stranding us!” [laughs]

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Are you making a little lasso?

CALDWELL: Yeah, I’ll make a lasso.

MURPH: Roll me a Survival check, I guess?

CALDWELL: Okay. I think I’m good with that. Uh…

MURPH: You should be pretty good at it.

CALDWELL: Survival? Yep!

MURPH: You are a little Boy Scout.

EMILY: As a Green Teen, he should be.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] Ooh, sixteen plus three. Nineteen.

MURPH: Great, okay. Yeah, you make a little lasso.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

JAKE: That’s sturdy as fuck, man.

EMILY: Yes!

CALDWELL: Mhm. I do this, and I successfully make the zip-line, and I kind of solemnly whisper—

MURPH: You don’t successfully make the zip-line, my man!

CALDWELL: Okay, alright.

MURPH: You gotta throw the lasso now! Now make a—

EMILY: Oh.

CALDWELL: [laughs] God dammit!

JAKE: You made a really good lasso.

MURPH: It is a good lasso, you got a good lasso right now. You can throw the lasso with an attack roll. So just make a ranged attack.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] So that’s ten—

MURPH: You got a ten total?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: Okay. So you throw the lasso. You see it go into the thickets of branches and leaves of the other tree.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: But it’s kind of hard to see. You pull on it—

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

MURPH: —and it seems to be pretty strong.

CALDWELL: Yeah. The knot—

JAKE: I look dubiously at your merit patch for Advanced Ropecraft.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: No, no, no! But the knots will hold! The knots! It’s all about the knots! [laughs]

[Emily & Jake laugh]

MURPH: Yeah, you pull it and tighten it.

[Caldwell grunts twice]

JAKE: I just think of Scoutmaster Denny saying: [imitating Scoutmaster Denny] “Good boy!” to you.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

CALDWELL: I rip it off and give you the patch.

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: Hold on to this until I need it. Until I’m ready for it.

JAKE: [laughs] You’ll earn it back.

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: [laughs] I’ll go first as a show of good faith.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: Cool. Do I need to roll again?

EMILY: Ooh, I’m worried about you!

MURPH: You— yes. Give me a Acrobatics check. Or, no. Acrobatics or Athletics. And do it with Advantage because you’ve got the rope there.

CALDWELL: Alright. I have a plus-five in Athletics, I’m gonna do that.

MURPH: Great.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] That’s a fifteen!

MURPH: Great.

CALDWELL: Cool.

MURPH: You’re able to scurry across.

CALDWELL: Can I do a cheer as I go?

MURPH: Yes, you can.

EMILY: Oh, my God, why would you—

CALDWELL: [shouting] Scallee, scallay!

JAKE & EMILY: Shh!

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Sorry!

EMILY: Child, I appreciate your enthusiasm—

MURPH: Bullywugs descend on you from all directions, quickly killing Beverly.

[all laugh]

JAKE: [imitating Beverly] “Scallee, scallooh!” [voice trails off; laughs]

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: So you scurry across, you get—

CALDWELL: It’s bad luck not to say it!

MURPH: — you get to the other tree. You’re able to move the leaves out of the way and see where your lasso ended up. You see it’s in a little bit of a precarious position — not on quite as strong of a branch as, perhaps, you would’ve liked. And if Hardwon or Moonshine had gone, perhaps they might have fallen.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Beverly, perhaps you want to, uh… Perhaps you want to tighten up that—

CALDWELL: Wait, can they see that I did a bad job?

EMILY: — secure that knot?

MURPH: They can’t see that you did a bad job.

CALDWELL: Okay, hold on. [laughs] So I quickly fix it.

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: I give it a big tug and—

JAKE: [laughs] Hardwon says: Beverly, how’s it look over there?

CALDWELL: [laughs] All good down here! All good!

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Is it sturdy?

MURPH: So you fixed it?

CALDWELL: I fixed it, yeah.

MURPH: Great, okay.

EMILY: Okay.

CALDWELL: Very sturdy, has always been sturdy, and remains as such!

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: So I took up PawPaw in my overalls—

[Caldwell & Murph laugh]

EMILY: —and I take my washboard, and I zip-line across.

CALDWELL: Oh!

JAKE: Nice.

MURPH: Really? Okay. Give me a—

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: You’re not gonna let her have it?

MURPH: I will let her have it, I will let her have it. [laughs]

EMILY: [laughs] That’s not a good ‘really’!

MURPH: Give me a—

EMILY: I’m just saying, it’s going to make beautiful music as I go across!

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: Okay, give me a Performance check? I don’t know how to deal with this.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Another beautiful song.

MURPH: [laughing] Would a washboard just… The metal just burns down the rope, and… [laughs]

CALDWELL: It’s so—

EMILY: [rolls die] Oh no, I’m doing the other side! I’m doing the other side, it’s vertical.

MURPH: [laughing] You’re doing the other side, okay.

JAKE: Wood on rope. That’s—

CALDWELL: It’s so crazy. As she does it, it’s exactly the melody for Semi-Charmed Kind of Life.

MURPH: Great.

[Emily & Jake laugh]

EMILY: I got eleven.

MURPH: Eleven, okay. It’s pretty impressive and cool. You do that thing that happens on zip-lines sometimes, where you start to go. and then you kind of stop– [laughs]

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: — and you have to swing yourself a little. So she is able to get herself across. But—

EMILY: But only because the weight of my huge, fertile boobs just like propels me forward. Helps me scooch.

CALDWELL: They’re. like. kind of… [laughs]

MURPH: You can see that maybe she could’ve died by doing that.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah. [laughs]

MURPH: But she’s able to lamely scoot across the very end of it, and she gets into the other tree with Bev.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: It’s, like, a little too sexual as I hump my way across.

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. I feel like, yeah, you—

JAKE: [laughs] Hardwon pretends not to notice.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Do you like do that anime thing, where you slide in and squish up against me with your boobs?

EMILY: Oh yeah, yeah. It’s real pervy.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Beverly gets a nosebleed.

CALDWELL: I do get a nosebleed.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Instantly. God, I really do want to try doing the zip-line on the greataxe, actually. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: You can do that!

CALDWELL: Yeah, go for it!

JAKE: Okay, cool. I’m zip-lining on the greataxe.

CALDWELL: Hell yeah.

MURPH: [laughs] Okay. Not the bladed part, correct?

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: No, no, no, no. Just the wood.

MURPH: Okay, great.

JAKE: Wood on rope. What do I roll, the twenty?

MURPH: Okay, yes. I made her do a Performance check, but that was kind of silly. So let’s just say Athletics.

JAKE: [rolls die] I rolled a five. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Wait, so he also got an eleven!

MURPH: [laughs] Okay, you also got an eleven. Thank God I didn’t make you roll a Performance check, because you would’ve been in that quicksand.

[someone claps once]

EMILY: [laughs] Oh!

JAKE: Ooh-wee!

MURPH: So Hardwon does the same thing. He jumps up, thinking: “Oh! This looks like so much fun!”

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Starts to swing down, gets stuck halfway, and then awkwardly has to: [moaning] “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!” across.

[all laugh]

JAKE: What is the…? Callooh callay.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Once again, I’m reaching out my hand, being like: Hardwon, just grab my hand.

JAKE: [strained] I’m good.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Just grab my hand!

JAKE: [harder] I’m good! [laughs]

CALDWELL: Callooh callay, Hardwon! You can do it!

JAKE: Callooh callay, Beverly.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Callooh callee! [laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] I give Beverly his patch back. You earned this now, son.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Ah, thank you. I quickly sew it back on with my sewing skills.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] It takes three hours. The Green Teens are dead.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Hold up—

EMILY: Oh, wow.

JAKE: I quietly remove the Sewing Patch. [laughs]

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

CALDWELL: Okay, fair enough. [laughs]

MURPH: So you guys are in this tree on the other side of the muddy pool. Are you guys gonna try to climb down? Or… what are you gonna do from here?

EMILY: I would like to take a little look. I would like to survey the scene.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] That seems smart.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Mhm.

MURPH: Cool. Give me a Perception check.

CALDWELL: I lend her my spyglass.

JAKE: Very good.

EMILY: [rolls die] Ooh-hoo, bitch! That’s gonna be a… [clears throat] — twenty-three.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Twenty-three, nice. Okay.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Ohhh!

JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]

EMILY: That’s right. [crosstalk] Well, we have good eyesight down at The Crick.

JAKE: [crosstalk] You can see to fucking Galaderon from up here.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: So you see — it is difficult for you to kinda see anything, because there are all of these other trees around — it’s just, you know, a big thicket.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: It’s difficult for you to see, but you do see smoke from a fire north to you, and to the west, you can see the top of a castle.

CALDWELL: Mmm. A castle?

MURPH: Yeah, like a keep.

CALDWELL: Do we— so we don’t know about this castle. This isn’t like—

MURPH: You know, that the dragon Shadowfang lived in a keep—

JAKE: [crosstalk] — in a castle.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.

MURPH: — in the swamp.

CALDWELL: Hmm.

EMILY: Okay, well… first off, y’all, we got smoke — and you know what they say about smoke: where there’s smoke…

JAKE: [crosstalk] There’s…

EMILY: — there are young’uns. [laughs]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yep, when there’s smoke… yeah.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] What?

EMILY: Where there’s smoke—

JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s not quite what they say, but yeah.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Huh? [Laughs]

EMILY: — there are young’uns.

CALDWELL: [imitating a Crick-elf; southern drawl] “They love the stuff!”

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Our young’uns down by The Crick play with a lot of fire. Anyways, so I believe—

JAKE: You guys are bad with children.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Go on.

MURPH: [laughs] “They play with a lot of fire!”

EMILY: Honestly, down at The Crick, they outnumber the adults…

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: — by about twelve to one…

JAKE: So they make the rules. [laughs]

EMILY: — so they make the rules. It’s—

CALDWELL: Wow, a place where kids rule. Sounds cool to me!

EMILY: It’s a scary place. [laughs]

MURPH: It’s so crazy that one day you guys are going to have to go to The Crick…

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: — and I just have to keep a running list of all the stupid shit Emily says.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: It’s like young kids playing with fire.

CALDWELL: It’s Children of the Corn, ‘cept— and there is a lot of corn.

EMILY: Second point of interest is that next to that there is the spire of a castle.

CALDWELL: Mhm!

EMILY: Now, I obviously know right now that it’s not—

MURPH: It’s a little— it’s kinda far away.

EMILY: Okay.

MURPH: It’s not exactly in the…

EMILY: So that’s not directly of interest to us right now… but perhaps it is something that, if we save these young’uns…

JAKE: That’s a g—, yeah, it’s safe for them at the keep.

CALDWELL: It could be a good place to hide out, in case of danger.

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I made a little map.

EMILY: I mean, I love squattin’.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: I love findin’ just an abandoned house and just livin’ there for three to six months.

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: Alright. Strange hobby. [Laughs]

CALDWELL: That’s interesting.

EMILY: [crosstalk] So, I’ll tell you what—

JAKE: That’s a personal passion of yours.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: I live in a house with my mom and dad, but that’s a… that’s a way to do it.

EMILY: Yeah. Uh, so—

CALDWELL: Should we proceed to the north?

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah.

JAKE: Yeah, let’s go save the kids.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.

MURPH: How are you guys at, HP-wise and stuff?

CALDWELL: Hmm…

JAKE: Oh shit. I think—

EMILY: Fifteen, baby.

JAKE: I think I’m at nine?

MURPH: Okay, that makes sense.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, shit.

CALDWELL: I think I’m at… I don’t think I got hurt, during that.

MURPH: I don’t think you got hurt.

EMILY: Do we have any sort of concept of, like, how pressing this is? If we need to, like, get to them right away, or if we could take a nap?

CALDWELL: I feel like it’s as pressing as, like, kids are missing. [laughs]

EMILY: That’s pretty pressing, right?

CALDWELL, JAKE, & MURPH: Yeah, yeah.

JAKE: There’s like the ritualistic sacrifice, and then—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.

MURPH: We’ve all seen The First 48.

EMILY: Okay.

JAKE: Yeah. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Do we wanna sleep in a—

MURPH: [laughs] If we don’t find the Green Teens within forty-eight hours… [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Although it would be fun to put up a little hammock in a tree. Have a quick siesta.

EMILY: Yeah, but we can do that once we find the Green Teens.

CALDWELL: Yeah. I could… well, hold on. I think I’m out of spells, so I don’t know if I can do a heal.

MURPH: You do not.

EMILY: I have one spell left.

MURPH: You are out of spells, right?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

JAKE: I’ve got Second Wind.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: Okay, I have—

MURPH: You still have Action Surge as well.

JAKE: Oh, yeah.

CALDWELL: Oooh!

MURPH: You haven’t used any of your stuff.

JAKE: No, I haven’t used shit.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Not out of strategy. [laughs] I think you just forgot that you had them.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: I just don’t really look at the paper.

MURPH: So it kinda works out.

JAKE: Hardwon’s too proud to ever accept help, even his own! [laughs]

MURPH: Everyone else had to use their spells to save your life—

[Jake laughs; Caldwell pretends to laugh]

MURPH: — because you weren’t using your own abilities.

EMILY: Moonshine currently has, like, a poultice of healing herbs that’s she’s trying to put on all of his bark rashes. [laughs]

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

JAKE: I’m good! I’m fine!

MURPH: You guys have potions though.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah. Maybe I—

EMILY: [crosstalk] Okay, we have p—

MURPH: One potion has been used.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Mhm.

EMILY: I say we book it! I say we just try and get these young’uns! I mean, they are the priority; they are the future.

JAKE: Yep.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Y’know…

MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay, great.

JAKE: Let’s go for it.

MURPH: So you guys continue to make your way—

EMILY: Uh, we’re Stealthin’! I’m going first; Mask of the Wild.

MURPH: Great.

CALDWELL: Oh.

MURPH: Go ahead and give me a Stealth roll with Advantage, ‘cuz you got that Mask of the Wild.

EMILY: [rolls die] Fourteen.

MURPH: Fourteen. Okay. Pretty good. So, you start making your way through the—

CALDWELL: Just pretty good?

EMILY: So I’m, like, doing a really good Stealthing, but I’m also humming loudly.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Spores are growing everywhere, so it’s NOT that Stealth.

[all laugh again]

MURPH: Yeah, you’re unseeable, but you are singing a Crick song.

[Emily & Caldwell laugh]

EMILY: Lullaby.

JAKE: And PawPaw is NEVER Stealth.

[Emily & Caldwell laugh again]

MURPH: Yeah, PawPaw is just goin’: [possum noises]

[Emily & Caldwell laugh again]

JAKE: Why did you bring the animal?

CALDWELL: [imitating Moonshine; southern drawl] “PawPaw is real gassy today.”

MURPH: [laughs] Those are his little burps.

[Emily & Caldwell laugh again]

MURPH: Just over and over again: [possum noises]

CALDWELL: Huh. He’s really—

MURPH: PawPaw’s scared of trees.

CALDWELL: He’s— [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: That might be a problem. It might be a problem for you guys.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] He’s very expressive!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, PawPaw’s—

MURPH: [crosstalk] He just screams. He screams all the time.

[Jake & Caldwell laugh]

EMILY: Yeah, PawPaw’s scared of trees.

MURPH: Okay, so you guys make your way… [laughs]

EMILY: He thinks they’re alive. I mean, they are alive, but…

JAKE: That’s true.

EMILY: — he thinks they’re armed.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: Oh, to see the world that PawPaw sees.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: You make your way through the swamp. You’re able to pick up the bullywugs’ trail, when suddenly in the distance you see the glow of this fire now…

EMILY: Okay.

MURPH: — so it’s safe to assume that you’re getting close to the camp.

CALDWELL: What — are we talking, like, campfire or bonfire?

JAKE: [crosstalk] — or a ritualistic sacrifice fire.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, yeah, maybe it’s a—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MURPH: It’s

EMILY: Is it, like, a fun bonfire that everyone’s dancing around and dr—

MURPH: It’s about—

EMILY: Oh! It’s a bonfire where underage teens are drinking?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, are kids tryin’ to—

MURPH: More of, like, a cooking fire.

EMILY: Okay.

JAKE: Oh, they’re cooking those fucking kids, man!

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Well, that’s… fine!

MURPH: [crosstalk] You smell teen flesh.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Is there a dry brine? Is there a dry brine on those kids?

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: You’re not close enough, yet.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, vinegar or sugar-based?

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: So go ahead and give me a Perception check.

CALDWELL: Mmm.

MURPH: I’m-a roll for somebody too… [rolls die]

CALDWELL: Jake, I like to think that Hardwon is saying all these things to Beverly, just being, like: [imitating Hardwon] “They’re fucking eating those kids.” [laughs]

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: Uh, I don’t know! I think that…

EMILY: Yeah.

JAKE: Ruining your positive attitude.

CALDWELL: No, they’re probably trying to get a ransom for ’em or something.

MURPH: What did you—?

EMILY: [rolls die] I got a ten.

MURPH: You got a ten.

JAKE: Wait, you roll— what is the Perception check? That’s the twenty-sided…?

MURPH: Yes.

JAKE: Plus my…

CALDWELL: Yes.

MURPH: Every check is twenty-side.

JAKE: Got it.

MURPH: Yeah. Oh, yeah, you guys can give me Perception checks.

CALDWELL: Okay. [rolls die] Uh, fifteen…

MURPH: Great.

CALDWELL: — plus something.

JAKE: Yeah, what is it plus?

MURPH: It’s plus your Perception.

JAKE: Oh, Perception.

MURPH: Yeah, it’s one of your skills.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Aight. Huh!

JAKE: Of course, which I have zero.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Great, okay.

JAKE: — and I rolled a six! [laughs]

MURPH: Cool. [laughs] So Hardwon just starts walking towards the fire, and Beverly stops him.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, he just grabs— yeah.

EMILY: [crosstalk] What’s wrong with— do you have sweaty hands or something that are weighting the dice against you? [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] I, I think it’s just bad luck. It’s the overconfidence.

[Caldwell laughs again]

JAKE: It’s… it’s, y’know… it’s a—

EMILY: How are you in Vegas?

JAKE: Very bad.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

JAKE: It’s… the problem is the hubris.

CALDWELL: Ah!

EMILY: Yeah, that’s right.

JAKE: Yeah.

CALDWELL: It’s God punishing you!

EMILY: Yeah.

JAKE: That’s exactly right.

CALDWELL: Oh, cool, cool, cool.

JAKE: Just a little more humble, I would be better.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Alright, so Bev: you clock a single bullywug, standing guard.

CALDWELL: Uh-oh.

MURPH: He looks a little bored. You see him, y’know, nonchalantly stick his tongue out and eat a fly as it buzzes by.

EMILY: Ooooh!

CALDWELL: Hm!

MURPH: He’s holding a giant hammer—

JAKE: Saving his appetite for the children.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: He’s holding a giant hammer in two hands, and he’s near a big, hanging, metal sheet.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: Looks like some kind of improvised gong.

EMILY: Ooh!

MURPH: And, yeah, in the distance, you can see the fire, and you can hear some chatter.

CALDWELL: Okay.

EMILY: [whispering] Is it just me, or does this feel like the Jamboreen is happening?

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: [whispering] I don’t think is the Jamboreen.

EMILY: [crosstalk; whispering] Oh, okay. Okay, okay. Just wanted to double-check.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; whispering] We did have a big gong. We do have a gong at the Jamboreen.

JAKE: [whispering] This isn’t the Jamboreen!

EMILY: [crosstalk; whispering] Oh, Bev.

CALDWELL: [whispering] It’s just… it feels like… now that she’s put the idea in my head, I see the gong…

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [whispering] Just be quiet. Don’t celebrate.

CALDWELL: [whispering] Okay, alright. Alright.

JAKE: [whispering] It’s not the Jamboreen.

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: [whispering] Now—

EMILY: Yeah. Yeah, Bev, no ‘Callooh Callee’s right now, okay?

CALDWELL: [whispering] Alright, okay. [groans]

EMILY: Silent. You can do a mental ‘Callooh Callee’.

JAKE: Calooh Ca-shhh.

CALDWELL: [whispering] Okay… alright, alright…

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [whispering] Now, I can tell by the way that that bullywug is standing, that it is in heat. So…

EMILY: Ugh! I know what that’s like.

MURPH: [laughs] You see him— he just picks his ass.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [whispering] I don’t think that’s gonna affect anything, but just be wary.

EMILY: I dunno, as someone who’s in heat for most days of the year…

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: I… It does affect you, you know.

[Jake & Caldwell laugh]

EMILY: Water retention and such. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Absolutely, I don’t—

EMILY: We maybe will be able to use it against him. [laughs]

CALDWELL: I don’t understand, and I— I would ask you to quit talking about it.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Same.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Okay! I’m just saying, you’re gonna smell instinctually, no? So… [laughs]

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] We know you’re fertile.

[all laugh]

MURPH: PawPaw just starts sticking his head into your armpits.

[Jake & Emily laugh]

CALDWELL: You say it so much…

EMILY: I know! It’s, like, a warning. Anyways, go on, go on.

CALDWELL: Okay. Well, alright. [whispering] So, does anyone have any idea about what we should do? I imagine there’s more bullywugs around, but that’s the only one I can see.

JAKE: [whispering] We can’t let him ring that fucking gong.

CALDWELL: [whispering] Yeah, that would probably be bad. It either summons more bullywugs or starts The Feast of Pelor, which is an annual Green Teen Jamboreen tradition.

JAKE: It’s… not gonna be that one.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [whispering] I don’t know! I think it’s like fifty-fifty.

JAKE: He wi— [laughs]

EMILY: Well, he’s bored, so what if we made some noise out here to try and lure him in?

JAKE: Nice.

CALDWELL: [whispering] I like that!

JAKE: Yeah.

EMILY: [crosstalk] — and then we can kinda ambush him…

JAKE: [crosstalk] You got your—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; shouting] CALLOOH CALLAY!

JAKE: SHH! [laughs]

EMILY: Oh-ho!

MURPH: [laughs] Wait, did you really do that?

CALDWELL: I don’t… I don’t actually do that. [laughs]

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: Alright.

EMILY: OH. OOH! Wait a second! Beverly!

CALDWELL: [whispering] Yeah?

EMILY: — you know so much about these bullywugs; why don’t you make a bullywug mating call? If he’s in heat…

JAKE: Ooh! Nice.

CALDWELL: [whispering] Yeah!

EMILY: — get him to come out!

JAKE: Do you have your Animal Mating Call Patch?

CALDWELL: I have dissected a bullywug, and we had some lectures.

JAKE: So it was dead. So it wasn’t making any noise.

CALDWELL: It was not making any noise, it’s true.

EMILY: But I’m sure….

CALDWELL: But I have some… Some of my dad’s friends like to go bullywug hunting, and one of them gave me a bullywug call, y’know, for my birthday. So I have some experience with it.

EMILY: Ooh!

JAKE: Sure. Let’s go.

MURPH: [laughs] You don’t have a bullywug call!

[all laugh]

MURPH: I’ll stand for the nonsense in The Crick…

CALDWELL: Alright.

EMILY: Okay!

MURPH: I’ll stand for the Green Teen traditions….

CALDWELL: Oh! I— So what I do is that I check my pockets. [whispering] Aw, dang it, I left it at home! But I know how to make—

MURPH: It’s gonna be a Deception check.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: So, whoever has the best Deception, just check it out.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Plus-two. What do you guys…?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Mhm. I’ve got plus-six.

JAKE: [crosstalk] I have only plus-two.

MURPH: You guys can also help each other.

EMILY: I can’t believe a Paladin… Well, okay, so—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Well, again, I’m a—

EMILY: — bullywugs down by The Crick— so if you do a mating call, I do a mating call; between the two of us, one of us is gonna get it right.

CALDWELL: [whispering] Yeah!

MURPH: [laughs] You’re gonna—

CALDWELL: Yeah, so it’s two girls for every guy!

EMILY: Yeah!

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: Ooh, we got b—

MURPH: You’re gonna do a mating call?

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: To lure him out.

MURPH: …okay…!

CALDWELL: [laughs] Wait, no. I’m doing it. I have six in Deception.

MURPH: [laughs] Okay!

JAKE: This rest of the episode is… [laughs] — Beverly getting fucked by a bullywug. [laughs]

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] It’s just part of the patch.

JAKE: Mating calls, over and over.

CALDWELL: Alright. Yeah, no, I think that’s gonna, like—

EMILY: It’s just Hardwon and Moonshine in the bushes giving him a thumbs-up.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay.

JAKE: [laughs; whispering] “You’re doing great, buddy!”

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Alright, I—

MURPH: DC20 Deception check.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Wait, really?

MURPH: I’m not joking, he’s a fucking frogman.

CALDWELL: Right.

MURPH: He’s not gonna think a little boy making a frog sound is another frog that wants to fuck him.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: You’re gonna need to do a goddamn good job to trick him.

CALDWELL: Uhh… okay!

EMILY: Okay, so… Wait, wait, let’s talk about this, since you’re likely gonna fail.

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: Yeah.

[Murph laughs again]

CALDWELL: Fifty-fifty.

EMILY: [crosstalk] If you fail, at least the noise will probably get— he probably won’t—

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I think what I’m gonna do, is I’m gonna, like—

JAKE: [crosstalk] Right. But couldn’t we also just, like, break a bunch twigs? [laughs]

[Caldwell & Murph laugh]

EMILY: No, no, no, I think this is—

[Murph laughs]

EMILY: I think this is a good option.

CALDWELL: No, Jake—

JAKE: Do we really need to make the bullywog horny? [laughs]

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Jake, I’m gonna be—

JAKE: You can’t just fuckin’… “Clap my hands!”? [claps]

CALDWELL: I’m gonna be true to my character, and Beverly definitely likes to do things the hard, complicated way, because Beverly’s a little petty and likes to show his knowledge.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Alright, great, well… Hardwon is at least trying to talk you out of it as you do the bullywug call.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] No, no, no, no, no! I got this!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Hey, one last thing: I think we should also build a little trap.

CALDWELL: Yeah. Yeah, okay.

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: So is there’s a tr—

MURPH: How are you— you gotta take some time to build a trap, and you’re gonna need to roll Stealth rolls to see if you make noises.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

EMILY: Okay, in that case… maybe we’ll just hide, and we’ll ambush him when he comes.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] How about this— yeah. Yeah, I think if y’all—

EMILY: [crosstalk] —and the point is to just get him to come over and ambush him.

CALDWELL: Exactly. Alright.

JAKE: Alright.

CALDWELL: Okay. But I think that you are telling me that you believe in my abilities to do bullywug calls. [laughs]

JAKE: Great.

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Alright.

JAKE: And I’m telling you not to do it.

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: I think it’s a great idea.

JAKE: Just as Hardwon; as Jake: go for it, brother. [laughs]

[Emily & Murph laugh]

CALDWELL: Yeahhhh.

CALDWELL: I give y’all both thumbs-up, and then I contort my fingers into a weird flesh ocarina. And…

[Emily & Murph laugh]

CALDWELL: — prepare to bellow out this bullywug call.

[Emily & Murph laugh again]

MURPH: Alright, wait, wait, wait. Alright. I’m gonna give you—

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: I’m gonna give you… You can roll Advantage on this, but you still need to beat a DC20.

CALDWELL: Alright, cool, cool.

MURPH: —‘cuz I love the term ‘flesh ocarina.’

CALDWELL: [laughs] It looks so uncomfortable.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay.

CALDWELL: I’m like, pulling out my…

MURPH: [crosstalk] Alright, okay.

CALDWELL: This is, like, a fuckin’ jutsu.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Great.

EMILY: Oh, my God.

JAKE: And, remember: it doesn’t have to be super-loud.

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Uh-huh! Well, I mean, for it to be accurate it would be, but I understand.

[Emily laughs; Caldwell rolls die; Jake & Caldwell laugh]

MURPH: What did he roll?

CALDWELL: [laughs] …I got a one.

EMILY: [crosstalk] One!

MURPH: He rolled a one! I gave you Advantage, so roll again.

CALDWELL: Alright.

EMILY: [crosstalk] So one more roll!

CALDWELL: [sighs] Aw, thank God.

JAKE: The next one’s gonna be a fuckin’ twenty!

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] Aw, that’s a six. [laughs]

EMILY: Awh!

JAKE: [crosstalk] Okay.

MURPH: Okay, and what did you get?

EMILY: [crosstalk] So you got total twelve.

MURPH: [crosstalk] Er… what do you have total for Deception?

CALDWELL: Uhh… oh, plus-six. Yeah, twelve.

MURPH: Okay. You see the dude looks up… BANGS the gong.

JAKE: [Llughs] Okay.

EMILY: Awwww, fuck.

CALDWELL: Aw, goddammit!

MURPH: You hear the sound of the hammer against the metal, LOUD gong…

JAKE: I should’ve known that the gong was a warning.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Okay, should we scurry up in the trees?

JAKE: [crosstalk] I just thought it was a fuckin’ instrument.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; shouting] CALLOOH CALLAY! CALLOOH CALLAY! CALLOOH CALLAY!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Should we—

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: You see bullywugs start emerging.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: Should we scurry up in the trees, and try to get some kind of advantage over them?

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Let’s get up the tree then.

EMILY: I’m going up in the tree.

CALDWELL: Yeah. I strap on the PawPaw harness, and go up the tree. [laughs]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah.

MURPH: Okay, so give me some Climb checks to see if you can get there quick enough, while these bullywugs run into the forest to find you guys. [rolls dice]

CALDWELL: [rolls die] GODDAMMIT. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Good Lord, no!

EMILY: [rolls die] We add Acrobatics or Athletics? We add Athletics?

MURPH: Athletics.

CALDWELL: I got a one. Plus, uh…

MURPH: You got a one.

EMILY: I got a seventeen.

JAKE: [rolls die] Wow. This is the first time I didn’t say “watch this” and I got a twenty-four.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Great.

EMILY: Ooh! [claps]

CALDWELL: Ooh!

MURPH: Hardwon scurries up.

EMILY: Whoa!

MURPH: Beverly faceplants in the mud.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: [laughs] I got a seventeen.

CALDWELL: OOWH!

MURPH: You scurry up. So everybody—

EMILY: Awww, now I gotta— I can’t leave Beverly down there!

[Jake & Caldwell laugh]

MURPH: Everybody give me Stealth checks. Beverly, you give me one with Disadvantage—

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: —’cuz you’re face down in the mud.

[everyone rolls dice]

CALDWELL: I just got another one.

EMILY: Thirteen.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: Pelor has forsaken me!

JAKE: Uh, I only got a six.

MURPH: Hardwon bounds up a tree and tries to hide in between some branches, but—

JAKE: But he’s SO big.

MURPH: —but his legs are just hanging out.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: He thinks that, just because his face is covered, like a toddler—

JAKE: [imitating John Cena] “YOU CAN’T SEE ME.”

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: — he thinks he’s hidden.

EMILY: Moonshine mistakes his huge meaty legs for just another bough of the tree, and tries to climb them.

JAKE: His legs are trunks.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: So Moonshine is hiding behind Hardwon’s legs, and you can see her face.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: PawPaw doesn’t realize that you’re in danger, and he’s just walking around.

EMILY: Oh, I gotta deposit PawPaw out of—

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: I’m depositing him up in the tree.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: He’s staying up there. That little thing has probably like, one hit-point.

CALDWELL: “PawPaw, stay!”

MURPH: Okay. PawPaw scrambles up into the tree. As you guys go up into the tree, Beverly faceplants—

EMILY: PawPaw! Scramble!

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: PawPaw, git! Into the trees!

MURPH: As the bullywugs rush into the forest to find you guys, Beverly just covers himself in mud to kind of hide…

CALDWELL: [laughs] That is what I would do, yeah.

MURPH: You guys see seven bullywugs—

CALDWELL: That’s still really bad.

[Emily groans]

MURPH: — come out, and they find Beverly first…

EMILY: [crosstalk] Alright, I gotta Symbiotic Entity.

MURPH: [crosstalk] — and, Ewok-style…

CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, no. They hoist me?

MURPH: — point their spears at you…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Ohhh, I got you. Uh-huh. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, surrounded by seven bullywug spears?

MURPH: — while you’re on the ground.

EMILY: Ohh. I’m gonna wait this one out, see how Beverly handles it.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: That’s cool. [laughs]

MURPH: M’kay. So you see they hold their spears to you. You see they look kind of freaked-out and confused; a bunch of them are mumbling in Bullywug real quick, being like: [as bullywugs; unintelligible gibberish]

CALDWELL: Yeah. [laughs]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Truly a disgusting language. I try not to judge, but that tongue…

MURPH: [crosstalk] — and you see one sticks a spear up to your chin…

CALDWELL: Up to my throat, okay.

MURPH: — and in broken Common, says: [as bullywug; warbly and throaty] Are you here for the Jamboreen?

[all laugh]

MURPH: [broken speech] What are you doing out here?

CALDWELL: [laughs] I think I laugh. [laughs]

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Okay.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Bad Beverly, bad Beverly!

CALDWELL: [laughs; crosstalk] I try not to — I cover my mouth instantly, but I do let out a little chuckle.

MURPH: [laughs] Okay, Beverly starts laughing.

JAKE: So impolite.

CALDWELL: [whispering] I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

MURPH: A bunch of the bullywugs — two of them — grab you, pick you up, and start walking you back.

CALDWELL: Mhm. [laughs] Okay.

JAKE [crosstalk] Shit. So we should either rescue him—

EMILY: [crosstalk] Wait, so where’s this—

MURPH: Yeah, so if you guys want me to do something right now, let me know.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: I think so. I am going… I think we gotta go get him.

MURPH: Do you have spells?

EMILY: Well, no — I was gonna Symbiotic Entity.

MURPH: So you’re gonna turn into a Symbiotic Entity?

EMILY: Yeah, so you know it’s go-time.

JAKE: Let’s go!

EMILY: I don’t even have to say anything.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. Do you think it’s like a Sailor Moon transformation sequence that plays when you do that?

EMILY: Yes, absolutely. Every time.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Cool. A spore-filled one.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

EMILY: — except instead of, you know, rock music or something…

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: — it’s, like, bluegrass music. [makes banjo sounds]

[Jake & Caldwell laugh; bluegrass music plays]

JAKE: I’ll washboard.

MURPH: Make an attack.

EMILY: Oh, Lord. Okay.

MURPH: They haven’t seen you yet.

CALDWELL: As they’re dragging me away, I ask: Are we doing sack-races this year? Yes? No?

[Jake laughs; battle music plays]

EMILY: — and then I just come flying out of the tree with my scimitar on the closest bullywug — or, like, one of the bullywugs that’s holding Beverly. So landing on my scimitar.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Mhm.

MURPH: Go ahead and make an attack roll.

EMILY: Okay. [rolls die] Euch… that’s gonna be… eight to hit?

MURPH: Eight to hit — that does not hit.

EMILY: Eh, I didn’t think so. But I still Halo of Spores him!

CALDWELL: [laughs] There you go!

MURPH: You Halo of Spores him. Okay.

EMILY: It’s gonna be six hit-points, ‘cuz I am the fungal queen.

MURPH: Moonshine jumps out of the tree, she misses big-time with the scimitar; the bullywug moves out at the last second. They all let out a croak of fear: [croaking gulp]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, so that’s how it sounds! Dang it!

MURPH: — and she spits her spores at him. You see he coughs, and he looks very upset by this.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

EMILY: I cast Shill… Shillela! Shillelagh?

MURPH & CALDWELL: Shillelagh?

EMILY: Shillelagh.

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: That’s my bonus action, so next time I use my scimitar.

MURPH: Cool.

CALDWELL: Shillooh shillay!

MURPH: So you turn your scimitar into a shillelagh. Hardwon, if you wanna take an attack, you can do it in the surprise round.

JAKE: Hardwon was just about to whisper to Moonshine: “Let’s wait and see what happens!”

[all laugh]

JAKE: — turns, she’s not there, and he’s like: Alright. Fuck.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Jumps right out — greataxe over his head — swinging at the other bullywug that’s holding Bev. [rolls die] That’s an eight… plus— what is this? The six?

MURPH: Yeah, so fourteen.

JAKE: — fourteen.

MURPH: That actually does not hit.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Wow! [unintelligible crosstalk]

EMILY: [crosstalk] What!? Fourteen doesn’t hit them!? What the fuck are they wearing!?

MURPH: Oh, wait— he’s holding Beverly, he would not have his shield up, so it will hit him.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

JAKE: Woo!

EMILY: Oh, they got shields!? These little motherfuckers have shields!?

MURPH: Yeah. So go ahead and make your attack roll— your damage. [laughs]

JAKE: Alright.

CALDWELL: [laughs; unintelligible crosstalk]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Who the fuck sold shields to these…!?

MURPH: They have little wooden shields and stuff.

EMILY: Who is dealing arms to these swamp-heathens?

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Definitely someone my dad knows.

[Jake rolls die]

EMILY: Woo!

MURPH: Okay.

JAKE: That’s a twelve!

EMILY: Oh!

JAKE: Plus…

MURPH: Plus four?

JAKE: — plus four.

CALDWELL: Ooh!

MURPH: Hardwon, after doing such a bad job hiding and looking like a dummy…

[all laugh]

MURPH: — does come out of the tree and slash this dude in half.

JAKE: Hell yes!

EMILY: Oh-ho!

CALDWELL: Just, like, straight-up in half?

MURPH: In half. This bullywug goes down.

JAKE: There’s something way more badass about cutting people in half than decapitating them.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah! Yeah, you’re talking about— is it horizontal in half, or vertical in half?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] You would think that I…

MURPH: [crosstalk] Beverly is covered in bullywug guts.

JAKE: I really would prefer it vertical in half. It’s kinda, like, the most badass way you can separate somebody.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Is it vertical in half, Murph?

MURPH: [crosstalk] Yeah. It’s vertical in half.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Okay. Ooh, I release some eggs. [laughs]

JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah. [laughs]

CALDWELL: I scream: This is the second time I’ve seen this!

[Emily & Jake laugh]

MURPH: So, everybody roll Initative. Now we’ll go into the actual fight.

EMILY: Okay. Woo!

CALDWELL: Alright!

[everyone rolls dice]

EMILY: Moonshine’s lookin’ at… nine. PawPaw’s in the tree, by the way. Safe in the tree, tucked away in a leaf.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Safe and sound.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: I got an eight.

MURPH: Okay.

JAKE: I got fourteen.

MURPH: Hardwon, you actually go first.

JAKE: Good shit.

MURPH: So which guy are you going for?

JAKE: Oh…

MURPH: So there’s the one that’s pretty hurt that was holding Beverly that Moonshine hit, and there are five that have their spears and their shields up.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: Cool. I’m gonna turn around and swing for a healthy one; let Moonshine finish her guy.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

MURPH: Cool.

EMILY: Okay!

JAKE: [rolls die] — and I just rolled a… nineteen.

MURPH: That hits.

JAKE: [rolls die] — and then a thirteen.

MURPH: Cool. You fuckin’ chop this dude down.

JAKE: Good. Let’s decapitate this guy — just old-school.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Ooh, yeah!

JAKE: I say “Oppa Aladdin-style!” again.

EMILY: [laughs] “Oppa Mulan- style!”

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Hey, Murph — as these bullywugs die, could you give me, like, a little sample of what they say? ‘Cuz their voices are very funny. [laughs]

MURPH: Nooo! My motherrrr!

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] That sounded bad!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, dear. Oh… oh, this is not good; Moonshine has nothing but respect for family!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Especially mothers!

JAKE: [crosstalk] Hardwon spits on her face… [laughs] — while his mother is right next to him.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Moonshine is— oh, no!

JAKE: [crosstalk] Just wait; you’re next.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] My son!

[all laugh]

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, Lord, I think this is a family business! This is a mom-and-pop shop!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Oh, my God, they’re all related! [laughs]

MURPH: That’s actually Beverly. These fucking bullywugs rolled so poorly — you guys should be being punished for your behaviour right now. Fucking making bullywugs sounds to trick a goddamn bullywug?

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

EMILY: [laughs] I think that was a great move. I have no regrets.

CALDWELL: It was a very good plan! I’ve just gotta work on being sexier! [laughs]

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: [laughs] Yeah, we’re gonna have to practice.

CALDWELL: Alright, okay. I have to Grapple, right?

MURPH: No, they let you go because they’ve been attacked.

CALDWELL: Okay, cool.

JAKE: Yeah, one of them’s dead, the other one’s back-to-back.

MURPH: So you are right next to the bullywug that Moonshine attacked—

CALDWELL: Mhm, yeah.

MURPH: — and there are now four behind you, because Hardwon killed one.

EMILY: — killed two, right?

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

MURPH: Well, he killed two; he killed the one that was holding Beverly, and he killed one that was in the group of five.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Greataxe is dripping blood.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Dang! I’m startin’ to believe that beard is real!

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] You give it a gentle tug. [grunts]

EMILY: [laughs] Oh, shit! I thought that was fake all along! [laughs]

CALDWELL: I guess I’ll just go for the one nearest me. [rolls die]

MURPH: Five.

CALDWELL: Uh… so nine.

MURPH: — nine! That does not hit.

EMILY: Damn!

MURPH: So you swing at this dude, this guy moves out of the way.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Mhm, mhm, mhm.

MURPH: He picks up his shield and spear, and they are going to take swings at you guys.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Dang it!

MURPH: So these four guys that are near Hardwon are gonna surround him…

EMILY: [crosstalk] Hoo… read that; they got fifteen AC? Ooh!

JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, fuck, I forgot to use my Second Wind.

MURPH: Yes, you did…

CALDWELL: Please use that! [laughs]

JAKE: [impersonating Keanu Reeves] “My bad!”

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Okay, so they’re gonna attack. The first guy tries to bite Hardwon…

EMILY: Whoa, savage! Old-school!

MURPH: [rolls die] So thirteen is not gonna hit you, so the Bite misses…

JAKE: [crosstalk] Nope!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Ooh!

MURPH: — but then he gets to make a spear attack.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Slapped him with my hand.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Wow. You slap his teeth away! [laughs]

JAKE: Knock it off!

CALDWELL: Wait, Murph — frogs don’t have teeth.

MURPH: Uh, I don’t know what to tell ya, man; I’m looking at the fuckin’ Monster Manual and he’s got a goddamn Bite, so…

EMILY: [crosstalk] Bullywugs do! Bullywugs do.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk; laughs] They’re just gonna gum you.

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Frogs don’t, but bullywugs do.

MURPH: [crosstalk] — bring it up with Gary Gygax. [rolls die] Sixteen to hit — is that gonna hit you? What’s your AC?

JAKE: Sixteen.

EMILY: Mhm.

MURPH: Okay. [rolls die] That’s seven damage to Hardwon.

EMILY: Oh!

JAKE: I’m fuckin’— I’m fucked up. That put me at a two.

EMILY: Oh, shit.

CALDWELL: [laughs] You still have that potion, though!

MURPH: Second guy takes a swing at Hardwon…

EMILY: Nooo!

CALDWELL: Hardy!

MURPH: [rolls die] — and he misses with his spear. Now he’s gonna go with his Bite — which, yes, frogs can bite apparently…

EMILY: Oh, my God…

MURPH: [rolls die] — that is a fifteen to hit. That does not hit you! Cool, so Hardwon dodges out of the way, barely, barely alive—

JAKE: [crosstalk] Backhand— he probably just, like, faints instead of ducks.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Hardwon passes out for a second, but that saves his life.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Yeah, you’re sort of ‘drunken master’-style— losing so much blood…

CALDWELL: Yeah. I just can’t stop thinking about a frog with human teeth now, and it’s really tripping me up.

EMILY: Just, like, a really nice smile? [laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah, beautiful. [laughs]

JAKE: God, who’s your dentist?

MURPH: Okay. [laughs] This next frog flashes a nice, toothy smile…

[all laugh]

MURPH: — as he goes in to bite Hardwon.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Your gum care is impeccable! They’re flawless!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Moonshine’s like: Dang! We don’t get that at The Crick!

MURPH: [rolls die] He goes to bite you with his fangs, and he misses.

[Emily sighs in relief]

CALDWELL: They’re not fangs, they’re just regular human teeth.

MURPH: [crosstalk; laughs] Just full human teeth!?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Just beautiful teeth. Like, we’re definitely like: “Do bullywugs have braces?”

[all laugh]

MURPH: They just look like little Chiclets.

EMILY: [crosstalk] One of them is wearing an Invisalign.

MURPH: [crosstalk] They’re beautiful. They’ve got a Hollywood smile.

JAKE: They use little reeds to floss. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: My teeth are garbage and I do have braces, so I’m very jealous of these bullywugs.

MURPH: [laughs] Okay. Tries to stab you with his spear… [rolls die; laughs] — and he’s going to succeed and do damage.

EMILY: Ohh! Hardwon’s going down! This changes the strategy!

MURPH: [rolls die] That’s two damage. What are you at?

EMILY: Zero.

JAKE: That puts me at zero!

MURPH: Okay. Hardwon goes down.

CALDWELL: Oh, shit! Goddamn it! [laughs]

EMILY: Do you got any heals on you?

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I got a potion! Or, wait— no, I used my potion, but he’s got one on him.

EMILY: [crosstalk] But he can’t use it if he’s down.

MURPH: [crosstalk] The other one runs forward and goes after Beverly.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: [rolls die] — and that is going to hit with his Bite. Yes, he does bite with his human teeth.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [rolls die] That’s gonna be three damage.

CALDWELL: Okay.

EMILY: Bev!

MURPH: — and then he’s gonna swing at you with his spear. [rolls die] That is a twenty to hit.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

MURPH: [rolls die] — and then he hits you for seven damage.

CALDWELL: Ten damage total! Cool, cool, cool. Good numbers!

EMILY: Come at me!

MURPH: Okay. And the other guy swings at Moonshine ‘cuz Moonshine just hit him… [rolls die]

EMILY: That’s about right! [laughs]

MURPH: — and he misses with his spear. Then he’s gonna go for his Bite… [rolls die] — and he misses with his Bite.

EMILY: Ooh!

MURPH: Back up to Hardwon. Hardwon, give me a death saving throw! If you fail three times, you die forever.

JAKE: [rolls die] A thirteen plus what?

MURPH: No, t’s not plus anything. You’ve gotta beat a ten, so you got a thirteen.

EMILY: So that’s a successful save!

MURPH: Ten or higher is a success, so you’ve got one success.

JAKE: Great.

CALDWELL: Oh, cool!

MURPH: You’ll stabilize if you get three successes; if you get three deaths, you will be dead.

[Jake rolls die]

MURPH: — so you don’t do it right now. You just do one each round. So you roll—

JAKE: Oh, great. Well, that’s really too bad, ‘cuz I rolled an eighteen the second time, so…

CALDWELL: Jake, we’d really miss you if you die here.

JAKE: I would kill myself. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Moonshine!

EMILY: Alright, Moonshine’s a little peeved because she’s in her fungus form right now, so her hospitality is at the wayside…

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah — and her ovaries are just thrumming.

EMILY: — and she’s so peeved that she’s got her shillelagh and she can’t use it, because she’s got to go over and Cure Wounds to Hardwon.

CALDWELL: Nice.

MURPH: Okay, this guy— you do have one guy right in front of you that’s gonna get an opportunity attack on you if you go over to Hardwon.

EMILY: This guy gets an opportunity attack…? [whistles]

MURPH: He’s right on top of you.

JAKE: Don’t worry about me.

CALDWELL: Hmm… [laughs]

EMILY: Okay. I’m gonna leave you for now.

JAKE: I’ll survive.

EMILY: In that case, I just Shillelagh this bitch.

[Jake & Caldwell laugh]

MURPH: [laughs] Okay. Swing your shillelagh at his head.

EMILY: [rolls die] Fourteen!

MURPH: That… does not hit.

EMILY: Agh! You fucking kidding me?

JAKE: What!? Oh!

MURPH: You swing your shillelagh up, he blocks with his shield.

CALDWELL: They’ve got shields!

EMILY: But it’s goddamn magical!

JAKE: Spore him! [laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Do spore him! Do spore him.

EMILY: — and then I just spore him.

MURPH: You spore him for six?

EMILY: I do my: [kissing noise] — my little kiss. My Sonya Blade kiss.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Cool. You shoot spores into his big, toothy mouth, and—

EMILY: I say: Bite this, bitch! [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] — he bites down, and a mushroom grows out of his head, and his head explodes. He’s dead.

CALDWELL: Nice!

EMILY: Oh! And a tear comes to my eye; the beauty of life and death. From death there is life.

MURPH: — and he yells: Nooo! I have childrennn! They’re right over there!

JAKE: [crosstalk] God, this is such a sad story.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, Lord…

MURPH: I’m just defending my hooome!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, Melora, what am I doin’?

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Bullywugs are just— they’re a family people.

MURPH: Quick— let me tell you my name before I die!

[all laugh]

MURPH: Bev, you’re up.

CALDWELL: Okay. I will run towards the bullywug closest to Hardwon to defend.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: I want to try something.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: You can give me that classic ‘Brian Murphy Yes or No!’ [laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] Sure.

CALDWELL: I pull out the snake tooth I took earlier…

MURPH: Okay…

CALDWELL: — and I want to try and stab one of the bullywugs with it to see if it’s gonna poison him.

MURPH: Cool, go for it!

EMILY: I mean, you are pretty powerful — probably more powerful than a poisonous snake tooth — but I like this.

CALDWELL: Yeah, but I feel like this will maybe threaten them.

JAKE: It’s also creative!

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Yeah, it’s creative; I think that maybe they will see me do this, and be like, “Oh, he’s killed one of those big snakes. He’s not to be fucked with.”

EMILY: Ooh! You should hide it in your finger so they think that you just have a poisonous touch.

CALDWELL: Oh!

JAKE: [laughs] That’s cool.

CALDWELL: Yeah, I do that.

MURPH: Okay.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: Man of legend.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] Fifteen! Yeah!

EMILY: Ooh! Yeah!

MURPH: Okay, that does hit. Go ahead and roll me a d4 for dagger damage.

CALDWELL: Okay. [rolls die] That’s a two.

MURPH: Seven total?

CALDWELL: Mhm.

MURPH: Seven total, and then— yeah, sure. This one time you can roll a d6 for poison damage, but that’ll be all his venom.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, bitch! Yeah!

MURPH: I don’t know if that’s how venom works; it just stays on their teeth…?

JAKE: [crosstalk] Don’t ask—

CALDWELL: No, it’s stored in little cavities.

MURPH: Okay.

CALDWELL: I know this, [sing-song voice] ♫ because I have the merit badge. ♫

MURPH: [laughs] Alright.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Alright. [rolls die] I rolled a two.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Can I ask how you slap him? Do you, like, bitch-slap him?

MURPH: [crosstalk] So what is the total damage you’ve done?

CALDWELL: Okay, shit… seven?

JAKE: [crosstalk] Nine?

EMILY: [crosstalk] You’ve done nine.

MURPH: Okay, nine damage.

CALDWELL: Cool.

MURPH: So you stab this dude for nine damage…

CALDWELL: Mhm. Open-palm slam! [laughs]

EMILY: Yeah! [claps]

CALDWELL: Do you think I just slap him?

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: I think that’s what I’d do.

MURPH: He lets out a pained croak.

CALDWELL: Mhm.

MURPH: Nooo! It’s my birthdaaay!

[all laugh]

EMILY: Oh, good Lord!

MURPH: — and then he’ll do a Constitution saving throw.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] I really don’t think we should be killing these dudes.

MURPH: [laughs; unintelligible crosstalk]

EMILY: Usually I like to whip up a nice stew for someone if it’s their birthday!

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [rolls die] Okay, he does not get poisoned, but you did some poison damage.

CALDWELL: Okay.

MURPH: Okay! So that takes us to the bullywugs. So there’s three that are gonna swing on Beverly ‘cuz he’s right there, and then the other one’s gonna go at Moonshine.

EMILY: Is he gonna turn around?

MURPH: [rolls die] So Bite first: misses… [rolls die] — spear: misses.

EMILY: Yeah!

MURPH: Second guy — [rolls die] Spear: misses!

CALDWELL: Yeah!

EMILY: Shit, you have an eighteen AC!?

JAKE: [crosstalk] Dodge, duck, dodge!

MURPH: [rolls die] Bite: misses! He just rolled so small! I just rolled a two, a four, a two, and a three.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I am as the wind!

JAKE: [crosstalk] These bullywugs are morons!

MURPH: Beverly’s just doing a river dance, getting out of the way of… [laughs]

[Emily & Caldwell laugh]

JAKE: God, it’s beautiful.

CALDWELL: I’m taking cotillion!

[Jake & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Okay. This last guy’s gonna take a swing at Beverly… [rolls die] — and he’s gonna hit. I’m so sorry.

CALDWELL: Shit. Nooo! Brian!

MURPH: He hits with his spear… [rolls die] Ooh, it might— oh, it’s only two damage.

CALDWELL: Oh, great!

MURPH: So you take two damage, but he’s still gonna try and Bite ya.

CALDWELL: Eh.

MURPH: [rolls die] Cool. [laughs] So he goes to bite you, and you catch his teeth — his big, human teeth — on your shield.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Nice!

EMILY: [crosstalk] Ah, the idea of teeth on a shield makes me cringe.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Wait, Murph —

MURPH: [crosstalk] Yes?

CALDWELL: Do any of the teeth stay in the shield?

MURPH: “Do any of the teeth…” [laughs]

JAKE: Beverly does have a teeth collection.

CALDWELL: I’m starting a collection!

EMILY: [crosstalk] That would be so dope.

JAKE: [crosstalk] Walkin’ around the world with you guys and your mushrooms and your teeth…

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Yeah, he chips his big bullywug front tooth on your shield.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

EMILY: [laughs] And it gets stuck in the shield?

MURPH: [crosstalk; laughs] You have half a tooth. Bullywug teeth are now canon!

JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yessss! I’m starting a craft project.

EMILY: You should keep it in your shield, though.

CALDWELL: Ohh, yeah!

EMILY: — so everyone knows that you’ve battled…

JAKE: — that you are not to be fucked with.

CALDWELL: I think what I’m gonna do, is I’m gonna, like, paste all of the teeth on top of my shield. It’s a little craft project.

MURPH: Well, why don’t you do that after you haven’t died?

CALDWELL: Oh, yeah; I’m just letting you know. [laughs]

MURH: Okay, cool. So this other guy is gonna attack Moonshine… [rolls die]

EMILY: I say: Bring it on!

MURPH: — and hits with his spear…

EMILY: Try ‘n fight me, bitch!

MURPH: [rolls die] — for two. He rolled a one on his damage.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: — and he’s gonna try to Bite you… [rolls die] Oh! He crits.

CALDWELL: Oh, no!

MURPH: [crosstalk] First crit of the show is on you guys!

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] What the fuck, Murph?

EMILY: [crosstalk] Good, I love gettin’ bit up. You think I haven’t ever slept outside and let the skeeters bite me? I ain’t afraid to get bit!

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs; rolls die] Alright, he gives you a big, chompy, bullywug bite for five damage.

CALDWELL: Yikes.

EMILY: [laughs] Nothin’!

MURPH: Hardwon, roll me a death-saving throw, bud.

EMILY: Oh!

CALDWELL: Oh, boy.

JAKE: I can’t use the eighteen from last time?

MURPH: You cannot.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

JAKE: [rolls die] That was a three.

MURPH: Okay, that’s a fail.

CALDWELL: Okay.

EMILY: Oh, God. I saw it was a single digit— knowing you, I was like, “Dear Lord.” Dear Melora.

[Jake laughs]

MURPH: Hardwon starts gurgling on blood a little bit.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Okay.

MURPH: Things are looking pretty dire over there.

EMILY: Ooh!

CALDWELL: This isn’t good!

MURPH: That is Moonshine.

EMILY: Okay. So, if I wanna run over to Hardwon, they’re gonna get attacks of opportunity?

MURPH: One guy will.

EMILY: Alright! I gotta take it.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: Yes, I’m going over.

MURPH: Okay, so he’s gonna take an attack on you… [rolls die] — and he misses!

CALDWELL: Oh!

[Emily cackles]

JAKE: We are blessed!

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Thank you, Melora! Okay, and then I’m gonna Cure Wounds Hardwon.

MURPH: Cool.

CALDWELL: Nice.

EMILY: So Hardwon, that’s gonna be—

CALDWELL: When you’re in the Symbionic form, do you just kind of, like, feed him a mushroom?

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Yeah, I do, like, good spores. I have bad spores that I do at the bad guys, and then good spores.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Yeah, good spores.

JAKE: Nice. Push it past the blood coming out of my mouth.

CALDWELL: One of them… They’re both green, but one is a slightly different shade of green. It’s very important that you know which hue is which.

JAKE: And it is very dark.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: [rolls die] Oh, that’s gonna be twelve.

CALDWELL: Ooh!

JAKE: Very nice, what does that mean?

MURPH: Twelve — you pop back up with twelve HP.

JAKE: And I have twelve HP!

CALDWELL: Back up on his feet.

EMILY: And then you know that dude that Beverly hit?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: Yes.

EMILY: I — [blows kiss] — kiss of spores.

MURPH: How do you want to kill him? I’ll say, “Finish him!” That will be my thing.

EMILY: Well, I kill him with spores.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Finish him?

MURPH: Finish him.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: I guess I’d like to go over and kiss him on his toothy mouth.

[all laugh]

EMILY: And just basically vomit spores into him. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Gross.

JAKE: Everyone feels, like, almost jealous.

MURPH: He dies of mushroom vomit.

JAKE: Does he have any last words?

CALDWELL: Can I, can I—

MURPH: He says: My first kiss!

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: Yes! Ah, I was thinking the exact same thing! Yes, we did it! [laughs]

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: So sad for him.

EMILY: I, uh, I—

JAKE: But she is super-fucking-hot.

EMILY: — I wipe my mouth and say: You know what? That’s not a bad way to go.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: That’s not a bad way to go. I should be kissing all of them.

CALDWELL: Very important question, Murph. Do the bullywugs believe in heaven?

MURPH: Mhm. Yeah.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Yeah, do we have time… can I use my action to ask if they believe in heaven? [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] They say no and stab you in the head.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Okay, Bev, you’re up.

CALDWELL: Okay, alright, shit. Um…

MURPH: You’ve got three bullywugs left. They have not been attacked yet.

CALDWELL: And Hardwon is stabilized, that’s good.

MURPH: Hardwon’s fine.

CALDWELL: Alright.

MURPH: [laughs] Also has all of his goddamn abilities. Hasn’t used any of them.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] I’m either, like, cutting people in half and decapitating them, or—

MURPH: — or dead.

JAKE: — passed out and dying.

EMILY: But, truthfully—

MURPH: That’s kind of what fighters do.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Hardwon—

EMILY: Truly once you start to use your abilities, I think you’re gonna find that you stay up a little more. [laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Alright, we’ll see!

CALDWELL: [laughs] Hardwon’s got fucking… You’ve got one speed, and I like that.

JAKE: Yeah, I don’t even know what Great Weapon Fighting is.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Oh, that’s you can re-roll ones and twos on your damage.

JAKE: I’m a moron.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Yeah, feel free to do any level—

JAKE: Hardwon is not smart, and neither am I. [laughs]

MURPH: Feel free to do any level of research. Just any level.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Do any of the words on that sheet.

JAKE: Cool.

EMILY: Yeah, maybe people at home can just Tweet how to play the Fighter.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Do @ Jake. Do @ Jake.

JAKE: Do @ me. Do @ me.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

EMILY: Do @ Jake.

JAKE: Get in on the Reddit, tell me what to do.

MURPH: Bev, you’ve got three of these bullies.

CALDWELL: I’m going to position myself in front of Hardwon.

MURPH: ‘Kay.

JAKE: [laughs] I’m like: I don’t need it, I’m good.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: You see Beverly’s protecting two-and-a-half feet of you.

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah, no, my fist clenches. My eyes shine with courage and determination. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: [laughs] He is Naruto.

CALDWELL: Yeah. [laughs]

EMILY: Yeah, I was gonna say: this is so anime.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [imitating Beverly as Naruto] “Get your hands off my Scoutmaster!”

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Yeah — [laughs] — that is what I say. But my voice does crack when I say it.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: — and then I attack the nearest one.

MURPH: Great, go for it.

CALDWELL: [rolls die] Nat20, baby!

EMILY: Ooh!

JAKE: Oh, shit!

MURPH: Nice! Roll two d8s, then just add your modifier once.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Looks like the Band of Boobs gots its own crit!

CALDWELL: [rolls die] That’s an eight!

JAKE: That’s a nat8!

MURPH: Nice!

EMILY: Ooh!

MURPH: [laughs] Nat8. The famous nat8.

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Ooh, he crit-ed with an eight.

CALDWELL: And a five.

MURPH: And a five. Okay.

CALDWELL: Critical eight!

MURPH: So thirteen—

EMILY: So thirteen plus your—

MURPH: —plus, what is your…

CALDWELL: Attack damage?

MURPH: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Yeah, plus-five. So eighteen.

MURPH: Dope. Oh, my God. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Young Beverly.

EMILY: [laughs] What?

MURPH: Beverly, finish him.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: I think Beverly’s Rock Lee from Naruto.

CALDWELL: Yeah. I say: [voice cracking] This is for Hardwon!

[Emily & Jake laugh]

CALDWELL: And I do straight-up—

JAKE: Hardwon’s like: Shh!

CALDWELL: I do straight-up Link from Zelda spinning slash.

MURPH: Nice!

CALDWELL: Mhm.

MURPH: Beautiful.

JAKE: Very cool.

MURPH: And you cut him in half.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. I think I probably just like—

MURPH: And he says… [laughs] What do you do?

CALDWELL: Well I… how tall are they?

EMILY: We need to—

MURPH: They’re dwarf-sized. They’re like four-and-a-half feet tall.

CALDWELL: Okay, so yeah, I could cut them in half.

MURPH: Cool.

EMILY: If you want to send them my way I can kiss them.

[all laugh]

EMILY: Seems like, maybe something—

MURPH: Beverly also gives a kiss of death.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: I say—

JAKE: [laughs] Beverly kisses them but nothing happens.

MURPH: Beverly regular vomits into his throat and he chokes.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] And when they slide apart after I cut them in half, I say: Thanks, but I already have my Dissection Badge.

[all cheer]

JAKE: That’s badass, dude!

MURPH: Nice, that’s really good!

EMILY: Bev!

JAKE: Good boy.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Good boy.

CALDWELL: Thanks.

EMILY: We both pat his head and say ‘good boy’.

CALDWELL: Is it weird that I like this?

[Emily & Jake laugh]

CALDWELL: It’s weird that I like this.

JAKE: It’s good.

EMILY: Well, it’s because you’re doing it in a… for an honorable reason.

CALDWELL: That’s right.

JAKE: We’re gonna get you your Murder Patch, buddy.

EMILY: And also, yeah.

CALDWELL: Pelor shines upon — that’s not a real patch.

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: It will be.

CALDWELL: That’s one of the forbidden patches. [laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] “It’s a patch of shame.”

EMILY: I’ll whip you up a Murder Patch.

CALDWELL: Oh, thank you. [laughs]

MURPH: So these bullywugs are gonna—

JAKE: Just start making up patches for him.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Alright, they’re gonna swing down on this little demon boy. [rolls die] And he misses with his first attack, and he goes to Bite. [rolls die] And he misses with his Bite!

EMILY: [crosstalk] That’s because he is so strong.

CALDWELL: They’re so intimidated.

MURPH: Other guy swings on Beverly. [rolls die] Misses with his Bite. [rolls die] And misses with his spear.

CALDWELL: Yeah!

JAKE: Nice, dude!

MURPH: That is Hardwon.

EMILY: Whoa.

JAKE: Great. I’m gonna use my Second Wind! [laughs]

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Great! Go ahead and roll a d10. Then you get that plus your Fighter Level, so you’re Level Two.

JAKE: You got it.

CALDWELL: This is so good, Jake. This is basically, like, you getting back up and being like—

JAKE: I wasn’t passed out!

CALDWELL: Yeah. [laughs]

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: You weren’t fighting at full strength before.

EMILY: [imitating Hardwon] “I didn’t pass out and wet my pants.”

[all laugh]

JAKE: Hardwon has pissed and shit his pants.

MURPH: Hardwon is covered in urine.

[all laugh]

JAKE: It’s muck! It’s muck! It’s just stuff from the swamp!

[all laugh]

MURPH: [imitating Hardwon] “Man, the swamp smells like shit.”

EMILY: [imitating Hardwon] “It’s just, it’s really, uh…” [laughs]

JAKE: [rolls die] Ooh, that’s an eight. Do I add anything to it?

MURPH: Great, plus your Fighter Level. So ten total. So you get ten HP back.

JAKE: Great.

CALDWELL: So for… [unintelligible crosstalk]

EMILY: Ooh!

MURPH: And that’s a bonus action, I think.

JAKE: That’s twenty-two.

EMILY: That’s a bonus action, so I believe you can still—

MURPH: I believe that’s a bonus action, so you can still make an attack.

JAKE: Very nice.

CALDWELL: So is Second Wind, like, he just takes off his weighted bands, and he’s got a little extra energy?

JAKE: I’d like to unbraid my hair.

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: Ooh!

JAKE: Shake out the mane. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Oh, shit!

EMILY: Oh, yeah!

JAKE: What do I roll on that?

MURPH: You can make an attack.

CALDWELL: Hardwon became Hot One.

[Jake rolls die]

EMILY: Ooh! [laughs] That’s his alter-ego.

JAKE: That is a twenty.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: Great, that hits.

JAKE: Greataxe, and…

MURPH: Go ahead and attack him Aladdin-style.

JAKE: Oppa Aladdin-style, hit him for a sixteen!

MURPH: Holy shit.

JAKE: I’m going greataxe, instead of, like, top-down, I’m going cock-to-head.

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[all laugh]

JAKE: It’s fuckin’… winded up like a yo-yo ‘around the world’ thing.

MURPH: Winded up, top-to-head. He feels everything. He’s conscious through the whole thing. He doesn’t die until the axe hits his brainstem. And you can see how much pain he’s in as his face contorts until he’s cut in half.

EMILY: [crosstalk] Was that the one that was—

JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s right. [laughs] Good, good, good.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Any last words from him?

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: No, the guy next to him says: Jesus Christ! That’s my dad!

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: [imitating a bullywug] “All of us were someone’s—“

EMILY: He’s not making any more children anytime soon!

[Caldwell laughs]

MURPH: Moonshine.

EMILY: Oh, okay. Uh…

JAKE: How many of these guys are left? One or two?

MURPH: Just one.

EMILY: Then I go to the guy who said, “That’s my dad,” and I say: You should be with your father.

CALDWELL: Wait, no!

EMILY: And—

JAKE: That’s hospitable.

CALDWELL: Should we, like, try to question him or something?

EMILY: It’s too late. [laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

[Jake & Murph laugh]

EMILY: And I, uh—

MURPH: She’s already said her line.

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: I think, yeah. I ask that question, and as I’m asking it—

JAKE: [laughs; imitating Beverly] “Should we question him?”

MURPH: [laughs] “Should we question him?” “He’s dead.”

CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.

EMILY: [rolls die] Fifteen.

MURPH: Fifteen to hit? That does hit.

EMILY: Ooh, baby!

MURPH: Do your damage.

EMILY: Okay, so I get to do lots of exciting damage.

CALDWELL: Let’s question him—

MURPH: [laughs] Lots of exciting damage.

JAKE: [laughs] To this poor, fatherless child.

EMILY: Okay — plus my spellcasting modifier, which is five — so ten — plus I get to roll an extra d6.

MURPH: For your Symbiotic Entity stuff?

EMILY: Yeah. [rolls die]

CALDWELL: I’d like to question him about heaven.

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Twelve, bitch!

MURPH: Twelve total?

EMILY: Yeah.

CALDWELL: Whoa.

MURPH: This dude is dead. Finish him.

EMILY: Okay, I’m gonna just disembowel him.

[all laugh]

EMILY: I feel like we’ve been playing… [laughs]

CALDWELL: [crosstalk] That’s gonna take—

JAKE: [crosstalk] As Beverly is just like—

MURPH: [crosstalk] Also a lot—

EMILY: I’m gonna take it and just do a nice, smooth — but shallow enough — cut that it doesn’t cut him in half, but instead just his guts spill out. [laughs]

CALDWELL: Oh, it just spills— [laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Before his guts come out, I say: Beverly’s right. He might have some good intel.

[all laugh; Jake makes a farting noise]

MURPH: [laughs] Insides fart out of his stomach.

EMILY: [crosstalk] And then I say—

[all laugh]

MURPH: As Beverly disembowels him with his shillelagh, just shoves it up his ass.

[all laugh]

EMILY: Moonshine.

MURPH: Moonshine, sorry.

CALDWELL: As— Oh, go ahead, sorry.

EMILY: And then Moonshine says: Maybe we share that Dissection Badge.

[Jake laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs] Uh-huh. As she’s—

EMILY: I could get into badges.

JAKE: [laughs] She takes the patch off of him.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: No, I give it to her. I give her the patch and say: You’ve earned it! And as the frog’s entrails are bleeding out, I do go up and try and question him.

[all laugh]

CALDWELL: Who’s your leader?! Where are you keeping the Green Teens?!

[all laugh]

MURPH: His dead frog eyes stare at you.

JAKE: [crosstalk] What’s his response—

MURPH: A thousand years of horror in his eyes.

[all laugh]

EMILY: I’m gonna go through his guts to make sure it wasn’t an expecting mother.

CALDWELL: [laughs] It was a… Alright, yeah.

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: I live in fear of that.

MURPH: Yeah, there were twins in there.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, God.

EMILY: [laughs] Wait, really?

JAKE: Cool. Can Hardwon decapitate them?

MURPH: No.

[all laugh]

MURPH: Yeah, go ahead. Keep wrecking his body.

CALDWELL: Hardwon, no, oh…

EMILY: No, no, no, y’all. I think we need to give— this was, everything they said—

MURPH: So, just so you guys know, you guys are out of battle now.

CALDWELL: Yeah.

MURPH: You do hear commotion.

JAKE: We gotta hide. We gotta get the fuck out of here.

MURPH: The whole camp knows that people are here. The gong went off.

CALDWELL: Okay.

EMILY: So we do not have time to do a proper burial. So we’re gonna come back later though.

CALDWELL: I—

JAKE: Kick some muck on top of ‘em.

EMILY: Yes, let’s kick— that’s a Crick burial. So, uh, everyone kick some muck as you run away and hide.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] A very honorable tradition.

EMILY: [laughs] Yeah.

MURPH: So you guys are gonna run—

JAKE: A Crick burial.

MURPH: — how far away are you guys gonna go?

EMILY: I think we should run towards it, and hide at the mouth of the entrance.

JAKE: Yeah, when you are guarding near a fire, you get night-blind because you’re looking at the light from the fire.

CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, yeah.

EMILY: Ooh!

JAKE: — and when you look at the woods you can’t really see as well.

EMILY: Yeah!

MURPH: Okay, alright. I won’t give them Advantage on their checks then.

JAKE: Thank you.

MURPH: That’s a good fact, Jake.

[all laugh]

EMILY: I think that we wanna—

JAKE: Read the Game of Thrones books, people!

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: [laughs; imitating a bullywug, or perhaps Roy Dotrice, the audiobook reader for the Song of Ice and Fire novels] “Where’s he? Night blindness!”

[Jake laughs]

EMILY: Yeah, I think we should try to run towards it, but, like, hide at the mouth of where they’d be running out.

JAKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that’s really smart! They’ll run right past us.

EMILY: Yeah.

MURPH: Okay, go ahead— Okay, so you’re going near the tents. So everybody go ahead and give me a Stealth roll.

CALDWELL: We all hold newspapers up to our face, and run right past.

[rolls dice]

MURPH: You guys do—

EMILY: Oh, I got a one.

MURPH: Okay.

EMILY: But I have Mask of Wild.

MURPH: Okay, then that’s Advantage.

EMILY: Okay.

MURPH: So then roll again.

CALDWELL: This is a Stealth check?

MURPH: Yes.

CALDWELL: Alright.

EMILY: I got a two. [laughs]

CALDWELL: I got a—

JAKE: Oh, shit!

CALDWELL: Oh, boy.

MURPH: What’d you get?

EMILY: A two.

JAKE: I got a ten.

MURPH: And what did you get?

CALDWELL: I got a nine.

EMILY: [laughs] Oh, God!

JAKE: So we’re not that stealthy.

EMILY: We’re fucked, guys.

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Hey, I’m still Symbiotic Entity. I still got my shit going.

[Caldwell laughs]

JAKE: My HP’s back to twenty-two, bitch!

CALDWELL: There you go.

EMILY: Let me see how long my Shillelagh lasts for.

MURPH: Let me just give a quick recap of the chain of events that just happened.

CALDWELL: Uh-huh.

MURPH: Beverly threw his voice to try and sound like a female bullywug in heat.

[Emily laughs]

CALDWELL: Uh-huh. Oh, I sounded like a male, not a female! That’s what happened.

JAKE: That wasn’t the problem. [laughs]

[Caldwell laughs]

EMILY: Oh.

MURPH: Bullywug heard this, he was right next to a gong.

JAKE: [laughs] Beverly’s like: “‘Cuz my voice is so deep!”

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: Hit the gong, seven bullywugs go out into the forest. You guys manage to kill them after Hardwon is knocked out. You do not run off, wait for anything to die down, but rather, approach the camp—

[Caldwell & Jake laugh]

MURPH: —make a ton of noise, as you see seven more bullywugs, near the fire, clock you guys, including a bullywug king, with a makeshift crown and a little robe.

CALDWELL: Ooh.

JAKE: Swamp crown.

MURPH: You see he has a wooden crown that’s like shittily made with jewels pasted on.

[Emily groans]

JAKE: Wow. That’s the bullywug royalty.

CALDWELL: I want to—

EMILY: I want to see—

MURPH: And that is where we will end our session: with you guys definitely about to die.

EMILY: Oh, fuck.

[all laugh]

EMILY: Yeah, we might need to retreat.

CALDWELL: Thanks for listening!

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: Alright.

MURPH: Thanks everyone for listening. This is the last episode ever of Not Another D&D Podcast.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Not next week, or ever.

MURPH: Of course, listen next week to see how our heroes get out of this one!

JAKE: [laughs] Spoiler: they don’t.

[Caldwell & Emily laugh]

MURPH: But yeah, guys. Follow us on Twitter, @JakeHurwitz, @caldy, @eaxford, @chmurph is me. Be sure to rate the podcast, guys.

EMILY: Actually, maybe I should make a Moonshine Twitter. @MoonshineCybin. [laughs]

[Murph laughs]

CALDWELL: Absolutely, do a little—

JAKE: Yeah, you’ve got some good fan-art for that shit.

CALDWELL: —a little roleplaying on the side.

[Emily laughs]

MURPH: Yeah, thanks so much guys for the fan-art. It’s been amazing.

EMILY: Oh, my God, I love it!

CALDWELL: Check out the— there’s a subreddit, where fan-art is.

MURPH: Yes, r/NotAnotherDnDPodcast. That’s ‘D-N-D’, the letter ‘N.’

EMILY: Oh! And if you want to Tweet about the show, we have, via text-chain, decided it’s #NaDDPod.

ALL: NaDDPod.

EMILY: N-A-D-D—

JAKE: With two—

MURPH: With two ‘D’s?

CALDWELL: Two ‘D’s.

EMILY: N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

MURPH: N-A-D-D… yeah.

CALDWELL: P-O-D. All my little NaDDpoles out there! Get ready to start Tweeting.

JAKE: [crosstalk] NaDDPod.

[Emily laughs]

JAKE: [laughs] Ooh, naddpoles!

MURPH: [singing; to the tune of P.O.D.’s ‘Youth of the Nation’] ♫ While I was taking the test, I took two to the chest! ♫ [stops singing] NaDDPod; P.O.D., dude. Youth of the Nation, try to keep up, everyone.

[all laugh]

JAKE: Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Murph laughs]

JAKE: I can’t do the podcast anymore.

MURPH: First P.O.D. reference on the podcast.

[all laugh]

JAKE: First P.O.D. reference, but not the last!

[all laugh]

JAKE: [singing; to the tune of P.O.D.’s ‘Youth of the Nation’] ♫ We are, we are… ♫

JAKE & MURPH: ♫ The youth of the nation! We are, we are… ♫

[epic music plays]

[Transcribed by Redditors Zyoanz, hi_sweaty, and siilhouette.]