Cats: like me, they love doing battle. There's nothing more exhilarating in a cat's life than tearing something else with a heartbeat to pieces. This is the cat battle armor made and sold by Etsy shop schnabuble (previously: this cat battle armor). It costs $500, which is why I just cut four leg holes and a head hole in a cardboard box and pushed my cat out the door. Don't come back without a dragon's treasure!

Completely hand-made from durable veg-tan leather, this is no mere costume piece. Your cat will become an unstoppable force for slaughter in this fully articulated suit, shielding him/her from foes while allowing unimpeded movement across the battlefield or living room floor. The imposing torso section features several riveted, articulated plates and a terrifying rack of dorsal spines. Your cat's hindquarters are sheathed beneath exquisitely arrayed overlapping scales stitched to a soft leather backing, adorned with nickel silver dome rivets. Midnight black scales and plates are finished with a glossy protective coat and seamlessly join together like the petals of a deadly flower.

It really does look magnificent, doesn't it? If I had the money (which I do not), I would train a whole battalion of battle cats and send them out to do my bidding. Plus breed one large enough to actually ride myself. Yeah, and it'd be able to fly like a griffin. The world would fear me, and rightfully so because it would also have laserbeam eyes and shit atomic bombs.

Keep going for several more shots of this season's must-have cat accessory.

Thanks to Brian G, who brought his battle cat to the Renaissance Faire where it killed every other knight and was named king even though it was a lady cat. And to Alex B, who apparently knows the guy who makes the armor and can hopefully get me a deal on an armored banana hammock.