It’s finally here! Rivalry Week! Alright, alright, alright. The Battle for the Corn/Horn Trophy!

After a long, long year to think about getting blanked in the Most Important Game of the season, Texas must surely be fired up for this one. Hate Week is finally here, boys! After taking the bye week, and two inconsequential Oklahoma-based weeks to adequately gameplan for the vaunted Paul Rhoades Dan McCarney Mangino Fred Hoiberg Matt Campbell-coached Clones, Charlie and company should be all over this one.

That's right, Iowa State has a new coach and he knows the secret to landing talent isn't bags of SEC money or sweet 'shops of the 'croots on boxes of Wheaties. Recruits want to be humbled. Nearly millenial, 36-year old Coach C goes about beating them in Madden to show who the top dog is. If that doesn't wow them, he gets creative with his mythmaking. And if somehow they're still on the fence? Well just hit 'em with the greatest piece of cinema since...well like the Sopranos or something.

Now sure, this has not translated to "wins." Sure, Iowa State lost to Iowa 42-3 and then saw their (secondary, proximity-based) rival Hawkeyes reward their coach with a contract that makes A-Rod quiver and Donald Trump’s legal team envious of job security.

And yes, they lost to the Fightin’ Kurt Warner’s of the University of Northern Iowa--an FCS team who has counted Iowa State for 5 of their 8 FBS wins since 1990.

And, ok, they blew a 17-point, second half lead to lose to Okie State the week after allowing Baylor to close the game on a 28-7 scoring run that cost them another "things get weird in Ames" game. (Mack, calling the absolute, 4-quarter, entirety of this game commented on Ames nights: "Grass is high, the wind is blowing, ya stay [45 minutes away] in Des Moines.")

But none of that matters during rivalry week. Throw out the records, the inconsequential, meaningless games that came before. Bring the Corn/Horn Trophy back to Austin, where it belongs.

Hook ‘em.

Just remember: "Those who fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it." -Lindsay Lohan

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Stats:

Sad Texas Stats

Texas has given up more points than Kansas. :(

Texas gives up 39.6 points per game. (118th in the nation)

Texas gives up 477.2 YPG (108th), nearly 300 passing yards and 200 rushing yards.

Texas gives up ~8 PPQ in 1st, 3rd, 4th quarters.

Texas gives up a hellacious 12.6 PPQ in the 2nd quarter.

Texas gives up FEWER rushing and passing yards than A&M, but A&M gives up 16.6 less points per game.

Texas is 118th in the nation in opponent completion percentage (66.0%). If this were a single QB’s career it would rank 44th all time in the history of college football.





Better Know a Roster:



Iowa State returns many of their best players from last year, but don’t be fooled. They’ve also lost a lot. They lost a beautiful mustache from their delightful kicker. They’ve also lost one of my favorite players in college football and a veritable hair icon, Levi Peters. Take a minute to familiarize yourself with Peters’ google image results page.

Now that’s not to say that this team lacks anything in the Roster department. This is still a target-rich environment.

Jhaustin Thomas (DE, R-Sr.), Jack Bergstrom (DB, R-Fr.) - Jhaustin Jbergstrom sounds way more like a Swedish dude than an airport. Amazing what one "J" can do to you.

Jhaustin Jbergstrom sounds way more like a Swedish dude than an airport. Amazing what one "J" can do to you. Marchie Murdock (WR, R-Jr.) - [Bogart voice] "Alright see. You gotta get the ball out to your flanker, see? Marchie’ll lug the leather, see. Get it to the big chalk line, see? Fake the student body left with eh wingback and ol’ Marchie will hit him right in the kiss, see?"

Allen Lazard (WR, Jr.) - for some reason I picture trying to catch this Charmander evolution in PokemonGo. A wild Allenla-zard appeared. (this guy caught 6 for 66 and 8 for 88 in his two matchups against Texas)

Demond Tucker (DL, R-Sr.) - You catch Prez’s "not a demon" line? I think we’ll all miss a president who got jokes over one who is one.

Landen Akers (WR, Fr.) - Whereas "city folk," like us down in Austin, might measure things in miles or yards or, heck in Texas we even measure things in time it takes to get to/past it...in Iowa? They measure everything "from women to Land" en Akers.

Thadd Daniels (DB, R-Jr.) - I love my "Thad"s with dreadlocks!

Kory Kodanko (OL, R-So.) - Zelda taught me many things, including that Kodanko’s dislike smoke, and that King Kodankos are easily beaten by avoiding the roll and throwing bombs into their open mouth. I assume that applies to this O-line monster?

Amechie Walker (WR, So.) or Nathan Fagnani (TE, Fr.) - Kids can be mean. Case-in-point: I remember people playing a game called "Amechie/Not Amechie" in reference to John Amaechi...yikes.

Connor Assalley (PK, Fr.) - So his name is Conner. Ass alley? The high road is hard.

Zeb Noland (QB, Fr.) - I can’t shake the image of this guy as a somewhere between 1-to-24 star UnderGeneral to Zapp Brannigan. (His campaign will hopefully include Zeb!)

John Banta (PK, Fr.) - a verbal joust, stichomythia, the dozens. On the internet, it’s all basically just gr8 banta m8.

ANSTAGRAMS

Anagrams for Matt Campbell are like career wins...few and far between:

Lamb Pact Melt

Lab Clam Tempt

But...anagrams for Paul Rhoads, excitable, loveable, wonderful Paul Rhoads:

Rap Shoulda

Had Oral. Sup?

Phrasal Duo

A Hula Drops (that shit is deep)

A Lap Shroud

Us Alpha Rod(s)

Aha! Do Slurp!

Spur Load, Ha

Oral Spa, duh!

Ha, pa. Us?...Lord.

Upload Rash

And Mark Mangino doesn’t coach there, nor does his son. Live free and Troll on:

Irk Mango Man

A Mom Ranking

Arming a Monk

Ranking Ammo

R Making Moan?

On Magma Rink

Mr. Kong Mania

King, Nor Mama

Again, Mr. Monk?

Mr. Oink Man...a(n) Ag?

Mr. Moan King --- I have a reservation for "a Mr. ...Moan King...seriously guys?" Mark stands up, high fives Charlie Weiss, and follows the nonplussed 19 year old to the best table in the Reno, Nevada Denny’s.

http://www.visitcalifornia.com/ - "Visit...Because living there is clearly too expensive."

Kevin Durant was a little hungry on the bench, so his new buddy shared some nachos



ig: black_cesar1700 pic.twitter.com/wwwBaC8UuH — SB Nation (@SBNation) October 13, 2016

Kyle Carpenter: Things were different back then. We had just been the to ‘ship and Garrett Gilbert was gonna get us to at least two more of ‘em. We had never lost to ISU, not even in the Seneca or Todd Blythe years. The number next to our name (a thing we simply took for granted in those days) was too large for our liking, but that was just because of that damned UCLA and a muffed Aaron Williams punt return. We’d be back...we just beat a blood-thirsty #5 ranked Cornhuskers, IN LINCOLN. And then it happened. Iowa State came into DKR, a fortress unsullied (save a Ron Prince visit) for nearly 4 years and did something. Something that really hasn’t been undone since.

Oh, yea. Right...Texas, existentially, by 9.

VY Pump Fake: Like the secret menu at McDonald’s, a competent Texas defense does exist. Probably. Maybe. Texas McGangTackles its way to a convincing 2 point win.

TejasChaos: If a team plays on the Longhorn Network, is it considered a win? I’m asking for a friend who’s in the midst of an existential crisis with his cable provider. Someone wins this game. Or at least ESPN’s box score will text me.

Parting Shot:

"The most Austin thing to ever take place: An armadillo stands on Matthew McConaughey's leg backstage at a Willie Nelson concert at Zilker Park during ACL. There is probably copious amounts of marijuana and other recreational drugs just off camera... in fact the armadillo may be a collective hallucination." - My friend, drifter-poet/minister/turquoise aficionado, Cody Johnson