We have a lot of fun here at The Latest Pit Beef. One of our favourite pastimes here is making fun of people who take themselves too seriously. Given the overwhelmingly positive response my last article garnered, I figured I’d continue the streak by skewering another genre of a similar ilk: Pop punk. Yes, that gloriously melodic and upbeat genre that soundtracked so many of our formative years certainly does come with its fair share of contentious fans. However, what differentiates those who like pop punk. What’s the difference between some high-schooler who loves The Story So Far versus a manchild who still loves Blink-182? Today we’ll be exploring the various subsets of pop punk fanboys and their common behavioural patterns. Let’s get to it.

The Tr00 Pop Punker



The tr00 pop punker should be a familiar sight, as he is quite literally a walking cliche. He thinks Jarrod Alonge is the pinnacle of comedy and has an unhealthy fixation with pizza. Generally dresses like a cross between Paul Bunyan and Steve Irwin, but with none of the required manliness to pull it off. Often claims to not be sad anymore, despite their music fitting the dictionary definition of “sad” to a t. Can often be found on Tumblr or The Defend Pop Punk Group circlejerking over Parker Cannon’s chest dent. Will claim to ‘literally die for pop punk’ at least until they “mature” and decide to form a shoegaze band with their many friends.

Commonly Found Listening To:

– The Wonder Years

– Neck Deep

– The Story So Far

– State Champs

– Title Fight

The Easycore Nerd



The easycore nerd Has a borderline-encyclopedic knowledge of easycore and its various permutations. He will rant and rage about teenagers enjoying Citizen, while simultaneously clutching a battered copy of their Demo close to their heart. Will also immediately disown any band that doesn’t include synthesisers or breakdowns in their music, as that is what his god (Bert Poncet) has decreed. Refuses to move on with the times and spends his days wishing it was still 2009, when Josh Lyford was still in Four Year Strong and The Wonder Years still had breakdowns. Spends most of his free time on the internet scouring Bandcamp for any forgotten easycore releases, while splitting hairs about the differences between EZcore 1.0, EZcrab and EZcore 1.5 and waiting for his tacquito’s to finish cooking in the microwave, when he isn’t getting overwhelmingly mad at a kids in Man Overboard shirts of course.

Commonly Found Listening To:

– Four Year Strong

– Chunk! No, Captain Chunk!

– Settle Your Scores

– Crunkasaurus Rex

– (formerly) The Wonder Years (hates anything past Won’t Be Pathetic Forever with a passion)

The Ramonescore Nerd



Ramonescore nerds are truly the neanderthals of pop punk. It’s virtually impossible for these guys to process anything with more than 3 chords. These guys are essentially the punk equivalents of those dads whose greatest achievement was opening for Van Halen on the 1984 tour, except instead of that it was seeing Screeching Weasel in a Chicago Basement circa 1993, which is about a hundred times more depressing. Will have obnoxiously strong opinions about what is and isn’t punk and is likely to vent their opinion via Facebook to an audience of fellow like-minded individuals (i.e. the Punknews.org comment section). Deathly allergic to more complex and catchy forms of pop punk, exposure to which can shatter their entire perception of reality (and cause massive buttpain in the process). If you know someone like this who under the age of 35, consider euthanising them to end their suffering.

Commonly Found Listening To:

– Teenage Bottlerocket

– Masked Intruder

– The Ergs!

– Screeching Weasel

– Literally anything ever released on Lookout! Records

The Orgcore Punker

A more evolved form of the Ramonescore nerd. Often wears a flat-brimmed cap to hide their receeding hairline, since male pattern baldness is often derived from listening to such beta music. Like the name implies, tends to get most of their bands from websites such as Punknews.org, AbsolutePunk and NPR. Basically they’re affluent middle-class white people who like to think of themselves as “cultured” and above the worthless peons who find enjoyment in breakdowns or gang vocals. This of course, is why they listen to tuneless braying–garbage which they defend as being so “meaningful” and “deep” when in reality it basically sounds like the result of placing a 15-year old’s diary along with Bruce Springsteen’s complete discography into a blender. Claims to have stopped liking Alkaline Trio “once they sold out” (read: started writing catchy hooks and habing well-produced records) while worshipping at the twin altars of Blake Schwarzenbach and Chuck Ragan. Be careful not to mention craft beer or politics around them, they treasure these subjects more than their uber-rare Jawbreaker 7-inches.

Commonly Found Listening To:

– The Menzingers

– Dillinger Four

– The Gaslight Anthem

– Jawbreaker

– Against Me!

The Oldschool Mallpunker



From 1999 to 2003, this style was de rigueur for the pop punk bands of the day. However as the economy fell and the world got sadder, this fell out of fashion and the chance of seeing these guys in public became rarer than a Sugarcult reunion. The oldschool mallpunker never leaves their house without copious amounts of hair gel or their customary oversized Dickies. The American Pie 2 soundtrack was essentially his Woodstock. Despite looking like an NPC from a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater game, they’ve usually never touched a skateboard in their life. An Atticus and/or Role Model shirt is a staple for their wardrobe. Also has a distinctly high chance of being Canadian. Sadly, it appears the oldschool mallpunkers are all but extinct nowadays. I blame Tom Delonge leaving Blink-182, personally.

Commonly Found Listening To:

– New Found Glory

– Sum 41

– Blink-182

– Simple Plan

– Fenix TX

The 5 Seconds Of Summer fangirl:

Referring to the Australian group 5 Seconds Of Summer as a pop punk outfit is a hot-button issue amongst several devotees of the genre. For this girl however, she couldn’t have a care in the world. As she reblogs GIFs of the bandmembers and sips a Starbucks coffee, all the one-sided scorn and hatred heaped on her by butthurt internet dorks is drowned out by the sound of her favourite group.. Scene politics mean very little to her and the world of sweaty, thirty-something dudes playing shit gigs for little pay is nothing but a distant nightmare. She’s blissfully ignorant to the world of pop punk aside from her favourites. In that respect, she’s quite easily the most well adjusted and mentally stable out of all these archetypes (especially compared to the easycore nerds, yeesh). Her other favourite bands are usually artists affiliated with the #5SOSfam, such as touring buddies One Direction or co-writers All Time Low (Michael Clifford has surprisingly good taste, not gonna lie). However she has been getting slightly more into State Champs lately, her mother might want to warn her before her life ends up taking a turn for the worst…..

Commonly Found Listening To:

– 5 Seconds Of Summer

– One Direction

– All Time Low

– Fall Out Boy

– State Champs

What do you think? Did you fit any of these archetypes at any point in your life? Did you force your mom to buy you an Atticus shirt with matching JNCO’s when you were younger? Did you force yourself to listen to The Gaslight Anthem and pretend they were anything other than mediocre? Are 5 Seconds Of Summer secretly the single greatest band of the past 5 years? Let us know in the comments below.