Response: “Great!”

Translation: “Better than you, bitch!”

Response: “Best day of my life.”

Translation: “I’m hiding a lot of dark shit.”

Response: “Fine.”

Translation: “I barely know you.”

Response: “I’m good.”

Translation: “I don’t respect you enough to use proper grammar.”

Response: “Things are good.”

Translation: “I’m about to brag a lot.”

Response: “Oh, you know.”

Translation: “We have nothing to talk about.”

Response: “Huh?”

Translation: “I just woke up.”

Response: “I’m OK.”

Translation: “My life is really boring.”

Response: “OK.”

Translation: “I’m trying not to cry.”

Response: Shrug.

Translation: “I’m crying.”

Response: “I’ve been better.”

Translation: “Go away.”

Response: “Not great.”

Translation: “Even worse than you, which is really saying something.”

Response: “Ugh.”

Translation: “HELP.”

Response: “Bad.”

Translation: “I realize we barely know each other, but I need to talk to someone, and since you acknowledged my presence, it’s going to be you.”

Response: “Um…”

Translation: “Something terrible happened and I’m going to make you guess what it is.”

Response: “Awful.”

Translation: “RUN!”

Response: “Sad.”

Translation: “I really hope when you asked that question, you were open to a sincere answer because in my current state, I can’t help but be honest. I’m heartbroken, but trying so hard to not let it break me. I’m struggling to stay open, to see not just darkness, but light, to maintain the belief that the world is full of good, kind people, that even people who do cruel things can have goodness within them, that some people are so good they’d never do anything cruel. That’s why I just answered your social nicety with the truth, however devastating it is to say out loud — because I refuse to shut down. Right now I’m sad, but I won’t be forever. I was happy before and I’ll be happy again. Right?”

Alternate translation: “A celebrity couple just broke up and I want to talk about it.”