Question from Monica

Two weeks ago I started to talk to this guy, and he messaged me something sexual and I deleted it. He said sorry it was by accident, and I said it’s cool, don’t worry about it.

Then he started to talk to me and I talked to him because I wanted to help him stop his bad habits, which are pornography and masturbation. I told him we can only be friends but he keeps texting me sexual stuff, and I try to tell him to stop and that I don’t like that, and he said you should try it.

He says I’m different and that he likes me as a person, but he keeps texting me nasty stuff. Yesterday, my friend told me he has a girlfriend and that he is trouble, so at the end of the day I told him, “Listen, I can’t hang out with you anymore or text you,” and he said, “OK, cool,” and I’m like OK ... And then he blocked me on Instagram and Twitter, and I just want to know why? Did he get mad or something??

Weezy

That’s entirely possible but it’s his concern. Yours is that you did the right thing. Keep in mind that anger is not a primary emotion. Underneath that he is probably hurt, embarrassed, annoyed and/or frustrated that he did not get what he wanted. But his demands were unreasonable and his behavior was unacceptable.

You can’t help him stop thinking about pornography. He will continue to think about it. Most guys do. Masturbation is also completely normal and he will continue to do that.

What he should NOT be doing is asking the girls that he knows to provide him with sexual material or conversations. That’s just entirely wrong. It’s the sort of thing that grown-ups can do if and when both parties are consenting.

This guy’s social education is not your responsibility. However, your actions are teaching him that when he treats women like objects they will have the same emotional attachment to him that an object would have. In other words, none.

He will get over being angry and come to understand how YOU expect to be treated.

Women everywhere receive inappropriate texts and you can often defuse them them humor:

(BuzzFeedYellow video)

• • •

Question from Marco

Sorry but this is important. My family are Jehovah’s Witnesses (hard-core Christians, basically), and it’s killing me to pretend I’m one, too. It’s getting harder and harder to fake these beliefs. When you decide not to be a Jehovah’s Witness anymore, they cut contact with you. They shun you. You are unhealthy “bad association.”

I have three amazing friends I have known since birth who WILL leave me if I tell them I’m an atheist. I’m not criticizing religion at ALL. I respect their faith and would never want to compromise their beliefs in God. I would never abandon my friends/family simply because their beliefs differed from mine.

Anyway, If I tell my parents I won’t attend meetings (church) anymore, or preach or associate myself with the religion, it would kill them. They would want me to move out as soon as I’m 18 (I’m 16). They would be devastated. They would think they failed as parents. I’m homeschooled, and a grade behind.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose everything I know.

Weezy

This is very difficult situation, I know. You will need to make some tough choices but you do not have to make them now. Wait until you are 18. I know it can feel like you are living a lie but that is not really the case.

Nobody has a right to your truth until you are in a safe enough position to share it and ready to do so. As long as you are doing no harm, your ideas and beliefs belong to you alone.

Many children are brought up within a faith that believes it and it alone is the one true faith. All of them can’t be right.

My best guess is that none of them are completely wrong, and that each loving faith has much to teach us that can serve to inform our values. Where strict dogmas fail for me is in their exclusion of any doctrine but their own. How many wars have been fought over religious concepts? How many families have been broken apart?

We are all here on this earth together. We are, at our core, so very much alike. Shouldn’t our differences be welcomed, valued and celebrated?

Your mind is open and I believe that is a blessing. It’s a quality that puts you on a path toward like-minded people who will want to learn what you have been taught. You, in turn, will learn from them.

You and many other kids who are being raised in strict environments may grow up and away from the confines of their families’ belief systems. Of course this will break the hearts of parents. But it may help open the hearts it breaks. Your parents gave you your life. They don’t get to live it. They get to raise you and teach you, and then you will take it from there.

Follow your heart. Be kind and respectful to your parents but listen to your inner voice and step carefully. This will not kill your parents. If they thought they could control you forever, they were mistaken and they will learn. Children do come here to teach us.

It may help you to listen to this young couple:

(Christian Katja video)

• • •

Question from Victor

I have been partying a lot lately and I love to party, but these past few days people have been telling me to get my shit together. I don’t know how or what to do??

Weezy

Correct me if I have this wrong but “partying a lot” means being drunk or stoned most of the time, yes? When people tell you to get your, uh ... stuff together, they probably intend to pose the question, “What the heck are you doing with your life, Victor!!!?”

This is a very, large question which probably seems even more immense when one is wasted. It can easily cause kids to retreat ever further into numbness. But ... did you know that this enormous question can be cut into handy, bite-sized pieces? It sounds far less frightening if you simply ask yourself, “What am I going to do with this day?”

Yes, this one day right here. Right now. The one you are currently having. What will you do with it? What would you like to get done? What are others expecting from you? What have you promised? What are your present obligations? When is the last time you combed your hair? What would make you feel good about yourself?

Drugs and alcohol offer immediate gratification followed by a hard crash. When you’re high, nothing is getting done and when you crash even less is is happening. On top of which, now you feel crappy and all you can think about is getting more drugs so you are cranky and rude to the people who love you the most, but WHY WON’T THEY STOP reminding you to clean your room and finish your science project?!!

It’s because they love you so much and they are not stoned so they are able to clearly see the big picture, which is that, right now, you are kind of a mess.

OK, so now you hate me and you just want to stop reading and re-light your bong, but before you do that, understand that we humans are happiest when we delay gratification while putting serious effort into a long-term goal. The feeling of completion and accomplishment that comes through effort is unrivaled. It’s the most durable high you will ever experience.

You do not have to do everything today. You just need to do something. Doing nothing is what compels you to party. You want to escape the knowledge that you are behind and you want to surround yourself with other people who are equally uninspired in an effort to justify your lack of purpose. Please resist that temptation. It will lead you nowhere. You need to make a plan and begin its execution.

The path to accomplishment is rewarding and beautiful. Get on it. Do that one thing today.

• • •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara​. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.