A few years ago, while enjoying Hogmanay in Edinburgh’s Prince’s Street, I needed to sneak off to a discreet location for a quiet piss. This is when I was lucky enough to break my thumb while falling soberly down a flight of stone stairs.

I didn’t pay much attention to my injury until, a couple of days later, my hand turned black. So I went to hospital.

Eventually a nurse turned up to admit me for the night, and started to fill in the admission form. It started off simple enough, but then that’s no guarantee of anything:

Nurse: Name?

I told her my name, which she wrote down verbatim.

Nurse: Date of birth?

I told her that, and she faithfully transcribed my answer.

Nurse: Address?

I told her. She wrote it down without question, as she did with all the following questions, until:

Nurse: Religion?

Me: None.

Nurse: So you’re an Atheist then [starts to write ‘Atheist’ in the little box’].

Me: Err… no. I didn’t say Atheist, did I?

Nurse: Well… if you believe that God doesn’t exist, then you’re an Atheist.

Me: That’s my second reason for not saying ‘Atheist’.

Nurse: What do you mean ‘second reason’?

Me: I mean that it’s my second reason.

Nurse: What’s the first reason?

Me: Well, you asked me ‘religion?’ and I said ‘none’. But you decided to change my answer, and I’d prefer it if you didn’t do that.

Nurse: But you’re an Atheist.

Me: You asked me what my religion was, and I said ‘none’ because Atheism isn’t a religion.

Nurse: But you believe God doesn’t exist, so you’re an Atheist.

Me: No. It isn’t that I BELIEVE God DOESN’T exist. It’s that I DON’T believe God DOES exist. Atheism isn’t a religion. It isn’t a belief. It’s an ABSENCE of belief. So I’d appreciate it if you just put ‘NONE’ down on that form.

Nurse: But what’s the difference?

Me: Can you just please put MY answer down on that form?

Nurse: Why?

Me: Are you religious?

Nurse: Yes.

Me: Right. Here’s the difference. Lots of Christians have started this little trick of trying to redefine Atheism as a belief rather than a lack of belief, probably because it’s far easier to attack a belief than a lack of belief. It changes the nature of the question, so that Atheists are put in the position of defending and providing evidence for their position. Well I have no belief to defend. It’s self-explanatory; I do not need to provide evidence for NOT believing in something for which there is no direct or indirect evidence. It’s people like YOU who have to find justification for what really IS a belief. Yes?

Nurse: I’m supposed to put Atheist down.

Me: No you’re not! I’m the one who’s meant to be filling in the form! I’m entitled to put down whatever I want!

…In fact, why ARE you filling in the form for me?

Nurse: Because you’ve broken your thumb.

Me: I’ve broken the thumb on my left hand.

Nurse: Yes.

Me: But I’m right handed.