Hmm I wonder what's gonna happen in this part judging by that name



HMMM



Welcome back to my terribad AAR. Last part we had peace, so now it's time for war.



France declared war on Aquitaine and asked us to assist. Aquitaine is allied with Aragon, Albret, and, most scarily, with the Italian powerhouse Milan. The last thing the Lombards want is a huge, powerful and united France right next door, so of course they're interested in the war.

Our fleets immediately engage in battle. Aquitainians are pushed back to their ports or to the bottom of the sea.

new pope



wow



Our enemy is the controller of the pope, but there's not much they can do with that.

Castile has decided that instead of giving us nothing, they will give us nothing.



I have no idea if this is a vanilla bug or a M&T bug

While personally Jane would prefer to discourage looting, she knows that would demoralize her army and lets them do what they like. She might be pious but she is not above being a cold practical realist.



I'd love to loot the shit out of Aquitaine but RP comes first.

Last time Jane appointed a noble to lead her army, her husband had to do all the work. This time she hired a French noble called Sulio d'Argentré. While he's not too talented of a general, at least he's better than Loïc the Lunatic.

On the side, you can see that the Mamluk rape continues unabated. I won't cover it this part though because I did enough of that last part.



This part is fully dedicated to the rape of Aquitaine. It begins with a huge flood of small armies and the royal army of France pouring over the borders.



France sees all of Aquitaine as rightful part of their kingdom. Negotiations have failed so now it's time for France to take what is theirs, by force. By powerful force right up the ass. Aquitaine won't be able to walk after this.

Aquitaine moves in to try and stop the flood and attacks an army of French vassals. Our army is nearby but our morale hasn't recovered yet, as our soldiers were recently called up. Nevertheless Sulio orders his army to march into battle to aid our allies.

When our army approaches the undefended Aquitaine camp, the enemy's morale breaks and they surrender. Thousands of Aquitainians are taken prisoner. The army is completely wiped out in one battle. Their leader pays his own ransom and returns to the capital.



General Raymond-Aymeric meets with Sulio and thanks him for coming to their aid. The two drink some wine looted from the Aquitainians and share a few laughs. Some Breton nobles nearby feel awkward as they don't understand the french their leader is speaking.

Time for some looting, then. Many Aquitainian provinces haven't been occupied for decades and have quite a bit of wealth.

Oh, I forgot about the Aragonese navy. The French are in mild trouble against them at first and I send my fleet, but by the time I arrive the enemy is in full retreat, having lost several ships.

Jane does not let the war distract her from her job. The work on the SUPERCATHEDRAL continues. She pours all the money in the ducal coffers into hiring workers, managers, supervisors and buying materials. No need to hire an architect as she already has one: her son Francois.



Sulio isn't too happy to find out about where all the money went. They're fighting a war, and the crazy duchess uses all the money on a dang church?

General Guido leads his grand Lombard army into eastern France. With them are hundreds of cannons forged in the smithies of Milan, and among their ranks are many war veterans. The milanese army is no joke, unlike the Aquitainian army.

The fortress in Vianneys falls and the army moves on to Lyon. Us and France are preoccupied in the west (mostly raping and pillaging) so they're free to go wild.



Thanks to the funding of education, the literacy of Breton nobles keeps growing and more and more money is spent on books. As they read old tomes, they are starting to realize that back in the good old days everything was better and now everything is shit. Some begin demanding reforms and others embrace humanism. While most interpret the texts so they won't conflict with their christian values, others begin to see the flaws of scholasticism and church doctrine and openly criticize both. The bishop of Rennes is a learned humanist as well, but his subordinates sure as heck are not.

Tensions from this keep growing to a point where the stability of the duchy suffers.



Great. That's exactly what I need during a war.

uhh well that's weird, Epirus, a OPM, ends up in a religious civil war which won't work because they have one province.



Oh, guess what time it is?



M E C H A N I C E X P L A N A T I O N



I'm pretty sure I haven't covered this mechanic before, but part of me feels like that's wrong. Eh, whatever.



Religious civil wars can happen in nations with a lot of religious tension between the state religion and minority religions. Usually the first such war is the Hussite war in Bohemia, but it didn't trigger in this playthrough. So instead we get a buggy and dysfunctional civil war in Epirus.



Basically, once a war begins, church strongholds, heretic strongholds and a bunch of rebels spawn. The side that occupies the provinces with strongholds wins, even if it is an outsider nation that decided to intervene. If the heretics win, their religion becomes the state religion. In my Poland game heretics won and turned Bohemia into a calixtine state, for example. Which resulted in the Pope excommunicating them and declaring crusades against them. H I S T O R I C A L.

Sulio's army successfully takes all forts in Englesmois and immediately marches west to rescue Raymond-Aymeric's host. Aquitainians have formed another army, Guillaume at its head again.

Reinforcements arrive just in time. The flanks of the Aquitanians who are descending like wolves upon the few hundred remaining soldiers of Foix are suddenly attacked by angry bretons and frenchmen.

The Aquitainians retreat but take heavy casualties while doing so: there are hundreds of dead, wounded and prisoners. After the battle Raymond-Aymeric thanks Sulio for saving him and says he'll be in debt for the rest of his life.



Meanwhile our truce with the crown of England has ended. It's unlikely they'll attack us, though, as they have no claims and France has a huge army raised.

The aragonese however have come to Bordeaux. The French are nearly done with the siege of Agenois though and will be able to come to our aid if we're attacked.

In the east Lyon has fallen and the reinforced and scary Milanese army continues westward.

The aragonese fleet has returned stronger than before and is blockading French coast. The Breton fleet is busy blockading ports though and will come deal with them later.

Following the holy war the Despoina of Epirus, who converted from catholicism back to Orthodoxy, has been excommunicated. Not that it means much as she is no longer a member of the church anyways.

Brittany and her allies are besieging Xaintogne, France is marching somewhere, Aragon is trying to foolishly retake Englesmois and might get double raped, Navarra and Aquitaine are trying to take Bourbonnais and Gavaudan with tiny armies and big boy Milan is about to take Forez.



I've learned a lot of French geography during this campaign.

DOUBLE RAPE CONFIMED



ONE DICK IN THE MOUTH, OTHER IN THE ASS



yes I only have the most tasteful, mature and refined humour in this AAR.

Nevermind, no double rape as the French thought regular rape is bad enough. And it, you know, is. Rape is bad, kids, don't make jokes about it.



The battle is a great victory for us and Raymond-Aymeric proves his talent as a general.



Why does Foix always have the best generals? This is the second time they have a 2-star general leading their army.



A letter arrives from Florence. The Medici, rivals of Milan, are offering to fund our war against their enemy. Jane thanks them for the offers but refuses.

War apparently doesn't bother Aquitainian construction workers who finish building new fortifications in Peiriforc. Should've occupied that province earlier...

The French attack the small Aquitainian army besieging Gavaudan. The Milanese come to aid, but by the time they arrive their allies have routed. The army does a 180 degree turn and leaves after a brief skirmish.



Meanwhile my army runs in circles as I'm not sure where to send it.

The sieges of Aquitaine are on hold for now so the fleet sails north to attack the Aragonese.



ONE POINT NINE NAVAL MORALE

YEA BOIIIIIIIIIIIII



The Aragonese fleet, consisting mostly of galleys, is used to operating in the Mediterranean and has trouble fighting against caravels in the windy channel.

No ships are sunk or captured, but the entire enemy fleet retreats and our ships give chase.

ummm what the fucking shit hell?



where did groningen go? Why is empuries here? why are the wine plantations and catalans and calixtines in the netherlands?



something has gone horribly wrong.



Welp, shit like this happens when you transfer saves between patches.



The Breton fleet blockades Groningen and keeps the Aragonese in the port.

Sulio decides to occupy the province of Constentin. Helping the French is in our interests but letting them take absolutely everything is a bit too much. It's already too late to deny Bas-Poetou from the French so might as well deny Constentin. Sulio himself, of course, mostly wants loot and doesn't care much about Brittany's political interests.



Raymond-Aymeric would prefer for the army to stay in Aquitaine, but he owes one to Sulio and lets him do what he wants.

Jane's husband asks her to help his relative and her ally, King Louis of France. An agreement is made and Jane herself will go to Paris after the war and give advice to French officers. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to hear an old woman tell them how men should fight wars.

Because many Aquitainian provinces are French cores, war dynamism is in effect.

The French attack the Aragonese at Gavaudan but the Milanese don't care and continue the siege of Valentines.



The army that was besieging Bas-Poetou left but we're busy taking Constentin, sadly.

I love it when missions complete automatically and you don't need to do anything



Thanks for the bonuses, France!

Constentin has fallen, but Bas-Poetou is under siege by the French again. The Aquitainians are about to retake Agenois and the Lombards are about to take Valentines.

A long and, I assure you, very exciting march later and the Breton army with its French allies is finally arriving at Agenois. However, days before arrival the commanders discover that the province has been liberated by the enemy. Dang it.



The battle of Agenois is quick as the enemy surrenders. Remember, Aquitainians are technically Frenchmen so no wonder they're eager to wave the white flag. Among the captured enemies is an artillery regiment with dozens of bombards. Aquitaine sure is pouring a lot of money into the desperate defence of their home.



Union of Krewo happened, and the Jagiellon dynasty controls Poland-Lithuania! But Lithuania and her vassals remain orthodox.



The Milanese have taken Valentines and are moving north. Meanwhile we're taking Agenois and the French are marching south, unfortunately having taken Bas-Poetou.



That was one quick siege. Defensiveness penalties can cause this, and Agenois had penalties from both national maluses and the garrison being tremendously outnumbered.

There's a coup in Tunis and a new dynasty has risen to power. The Hafsids are now the Tahers. Except they're not, because EU4 nation names don't work that way. Dynastic names for nations only make sense in CK2.



Why are they called Hafsids in the first place? Just call the nation Tunis or something. Tlemcen isn't called Zayyanids either, so why not?

State of the war in 1441. I completely forgot to check what the French war goal was and so Roergue still hasn't been taken. We outnumber the enemy almost 2 to 1 but have taken roughly the same amount of casualties.



Jane continues to support the Franciscans, who have now operate extensively in Nantes as well. Some war refugees from Bas-Poetou and Constentin join the order, for there's not much else they can do with their lives.

The Lombards have occupied Langres and moved on, and the French are chasing them. We're in the south taking the war goal. The Aquitainians and the Aragonese, I presume, are trying to recover.

The garrison of Roergue surrenders and Sulio enjoys a meal with the garrison commander. He had personally tried to shoot Sulio with his handgun some days ago but now that he had surrendered honour bound Sulio to treat him like a friend.



But immediately on the following day the army packs up their tents and marches on northward. The Aragonese and the Aquitainians have returned and are trying to retake lost clay.



Farther north Bar has fallen and the Lombards are running away from the Frenchmen.

OOOOOOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIT



God has decided to punish his worshippers for breaking his law of "please don't kill each other and behave nicely", it seems. Rumours about another deadly epidemic are alight.

Paris, the largest city in Europe, is the first one to be hit. Soon the crowded slums are filled with buboe-covered corpses. Within the walls, the city council argues about shutting down the gates and thus stopping all lucrative trade, but fail to come to an agreement quickly as some doubt if the effects of the epidemic have been exaggerated. The king cannot resolve their dispute as he is busy chasing Lombards hundreds of kilometres away. By the time the gates are finally shut, it is too late.



Did I mention the king of France himself is personally leading the French army? He might get killed but at least he can avoid the plague.

The source of the epidemic in Paris is unknown to its people. It came to the city from stowaway rats, who had secretly been aboard a grain shipment from the east, which had left from Danzig. Now the plague is spreading there as well.

I interrupt the coverage of a yet another grim plague to tell you about minor changes in the latest patch. You can now see your art and culture level as well as your urban production bonuses from the stability tab (accessed via the State estate). That is, if you have any.

Also, the description of art buildings has been updated so they no longer seem completely useless.



You might notice one modifer mentioning "Urban Upper Class", which might have raised your eyebrow. Yes, there are two types of upper class, urban and rural. You can't really tell which upper class you have in a province but generally, if the province is ruled by burghers then the upper class is urban and if it's ruled by nobles then it's rural. That sounds kinda obvious, actually. Why did I write this paragraph again? What am I even doing? I should be sleeping right now!

The Breton army and its French followers attack the enemy that is trying to retake Lemosi. We outnumber them substantially but because of the hilly terrain we can't take full advantage of that.



It doesn't make much of a difference in the end and Guillaume surrenders for the third time during this war and once again pays his own ransom.



As Sulio is scratching his head and wondering what the hell will they do with all these prisoners, a heavily guarded caravan arrives from distant Florence. With them are many coffers and chests filled with florins. Sulio accepts this gift and gives many thanks to the Florentines before inviting them to a feast, where a great amount of wine taken from the Aquitainians is drunk.

The Aragonese refused to help their allies and are now wandering near Toulouse. Meanwhile the Milanese have marched all the way to Gavaudan, where they foolishly stopped.



Guess what happens next.

The King's host faces the Lombards in battle. It is the largest battle in the war and this time the enemy doesn't surrender. The thunderous boom of a hundred bombards echoes in the valley as both side tries to tear each other to shreds with cannon balls. The shining steel armour of the gendarmes glitters under the hot sun as they gallop against an infantry regiment, lances couched. King Louis himself barks orders to his messengers, who hastily deliver them on their light but quick horses.

Five hours later the Milanese frontline, for the first time in a century, has collapsed and the rest retreat. But the exhausted and bloodied men-at-arms of France don't give chase as the sun sets and let them return to their camp. They sleep uneasily, many of the wounded dying in the moonlight, but when they wake up the Lombards are gone.



They had won. The king praises God and thanks Him for granting them glorious victory. Near him a wounded nobleman, seventeen years old, vomits blood and dies. A large celebration is later held where all the booze supplies of the army are depleted, and on the following day nearby wineries are looted bare, their owners unable to resist.



Not everyone celebrated this victory. But who cares, it's all just numbers for you, great leader of nations.

Now that the greatest threat is gone, at least for a while, the Bretons and their allies march north to liberate occupied lands. The army of the Duke of Bar insists that they go to their home, as does the army of Valentines. Sulio argues that the French can focus on southern lost holdings while they can focus on the north. Everyone besides the general of Valentines agrees and they march north.



Of course, in reality I marched all the way north because Barrois was worth more warscore.

oh right there was a plague happening i kinda forg--



h o l y f u c k i n g s h i t b a g u e t t e s



ONE HUNDRED TWENTY THOUSAND CITIZENS DEAD



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



The once lively city of Paris has turned into a ghost town, as the only people walking on the streets and the market squares are plague doctors. Everyone else has either locked their doors or perished from the disease. At first there were burials, then mass burials, then corpses were left in bags on the streets, then corpses were left to rot in deathbeds, untouched.

This time the plague is stronger and spreads rapidly from town to town and from village to village. Brittany is not spared and especially the populous province of Bro Dreger is hit hard.



Guess what? The part is called "The Rape of Aquitaine" not only because me and France are raping it, but also because the grim reaper is as well. Surprise!

In Xainctogne, the French haven't waited for the war to end and have already integrated the province.



War dynamism, baby. Unfortunately, it looks like the French will get Bas-Poetou as well.



The Bretons and their allies free Barrois and the smaller French army takes back the fortress in Langres. Both then march south, where the Milanese have returned to fight.



Bro Dreger lost its urban pop and a bunch of rural pop. It'll probably recover fairly fast.

Bro Gernev suffers the most and is hit by a terrible epidemic. The grim reaper hopped on a boat and sailed to London, where he proceeded to rape people's lymph nodes.

Meanwhile in the east the southern Baltics and Poland are hit fairly hard, but elsewhere the plague is mostly mild thanks to low development and population.

Unknown to Europeans, there is also a plague epidemic in Somalia. This confirms that plagues can appear outside of Europe.



shut up i wasn't cheating i was just checking if the claim that plagues can appear outside of europe is true

Despite Jane's best attempts at praying for mercy, the plague takes a toll on Breton populace. Some of the dead men are nobles or mercenaries or levies that now died near their families in their own homes instead of some dry hill in southern France, where crows would've feasted on their spilled guts. The plague doesn't seem that bad in comparison.



No stability is lost, thankfully.



The news of the plague have not yet arrived in Rome (rumours have arrived, but amongst the rumours are claims from two different places that Jesus has returned so they're not exactly reliable). From the Pope comes a request for cash once again, and like before Jane faithfully donates.



The wish of the Valentines general has been fulfilled and the Bretons are now retaking their province. Meanwhile France is wiping out yet another army the Aquitainians have managed to gather together. The rape continues.

Like I said, the rape continues. Nantes lost and urban pop as have most of our provinces. England is hit hard and the plague is approaching Milan.

In the east the epidemic is already showing signs of weakness and slows down.

All of France received an unusually small amount of water this year and many harvests have failed. It's not enough to cause hunger or a radical rise of food prices, but with the devastation of war and the plague, there could be serious consequences. God is clearly angry as hell. Somewhat ironic but reasonable.



I JUST WANT A FAMINE IN EUROPE DAMMIT

A tenth of the Breton populace has perished in less than a year. Jane can't help but feel like it's her fault, somehow. Maybe she should've encouraged her subjects to behave more piously and stay away from sin.

Valentines is liberated and Sulio's host marches north, straight towards the Lombards.



Many of the men see the victims of the plague and fear that their families back home are affected. The rest either don't have families or don't care. They're soldiers, after all. For a commoner, the profession of a soldier was somewhat comparable to that of a prostitute and thus they only became soldiers because they had no better option, usually due to poverty.

The Milanese once again fight much harder than their Aquitainian allies who are prone to surrendering. But we have overwhelming numbers. Quantity has a quality of its own.



It is yet another glorious achieved by Raymond-Aymeric, Sulio and other commanders. No one thanks the soldiers as it's their job to just follow orders and die.

King Louis is considering an invasion of Aragon to force them out of the war for good. We retake provinces lost to the Milanese. Aragon sits on its ass. Aquitaine wanders around, trying to find a police station where they can report this rape.

SKULLS FOR THE SKULL GOD



This plague isn't too exceptional. The areas that usually get hit hard are hit hard.



Eastern Europe is once again mostly okay. The Golden Ring avoids the plague.

With the exception of Rhineland, Germany is pretty alright.

England is hit pretty hard and Scotland less so. Irish east coast also suffers.

Central Iberia has been spared, but Andalusia sure as fuck hasn't been. Granada is hit fairly hard again.

North Italy suffers, especially Milan. But it doesn't go much further. Florence, a prosperous city with over 180,000 people, only loses 10,000.

Anatolia is mostly spared, with only cities being hit somewhat harder.

The plague has almost completely stopped trade and crafting guilds are complaining at the Estates about how they will go bankrupt if nothing is done soon. Jane agrees to abolish a tax or two, which doesn't please the nobles one bit. That combined with the high cost of the SUPERCATHEDRAL is enough to make some nobles consider doing something drastic...

Lyon is the only French holding in enemy hands. The King's army is besieging Bordeaux. The enemy is nowhere to be seen.

Two months later both besieged cities have surrendered and are retaken. The remnants of the Aquitainian navy are forced to flee from their port and attack the blockading French. Sulio's army is marching to take the last free Aquitainian fortress in Perigorc. Lemosi, Englesmois and Bas-Poetou have already been annexed by the French crown. The King marches south to crush the Aquitainan army AGAIN. Seriously, how many armies has Aquitaine built during this war?

The coffers are empty once more and no Florentine treasure caravan is in sight. Sulio asks Jane to send money, and she in turn asks Italian bankers to send money.

The blockading French fleet is beaten back and the Aquitainians move to blockade French ports. Our fleet abandons the blockade of the buggy Aragonese port in the Netherlands and sails to destroy the Aquitainians. That's right, you can't escape rape even on the sea.

Another Guillaume? Is Guillaume the Aquitainian equivalent for John?



The fleet is easily beaten after a short battle where one ship is sunk. Brittany rules the waves.

New year comes, the fortress of Perigorc holds, the Aquitainian army still roams free and negotiations in Bordeaux end.



Duke Guillaume refuses to swear an oath of vassalage to King Louis and is thus banished from France. He is then forced to leave his own capital, and he asks in confusion and anger why. The French respond it is now part of France and remind him that he is banished from the kingdom.



Military casualties from the war are heavy for both sides. While the enemy took over twice as many casualties in battle, they had to suffer much less from attrition. And so attrition comes on third place, having killed or incapacitated 75,000 soldiers.



What did Brittany gain? Well, 15 coins, a bunch of favours, and... HOLY SHIT

SIXTY EIGHT POWER PROJECTION BITCHES



HOOOLYY FUCK ALL THAT MONARCH POWER AND PRESTIGE AND LEGITIMACY



Also note how we have +1 from guaranteeing Tyrconnell. Just wanted to point out one of the reasons why I'm doing that.



Aquitaine has been reduced to a landlocked rump state with two provinces. It will never recover from this rape, that's for certain.



As a sidenote, the Mamluks went bankrupt three times this session.

The army returns home and Sulio comes to Nantes with a tenth of the war spoils. He didn't want to claim more as it would've upset his men, and he also gave some spoils to Raymond-Aymeric, his good friend. Amongst his loot is a great amount of wine.



Duchess Jane doesn't feel like drinking it. Clearly, human decadence and sin had brought the plague upon them. Sulio shrugs and hauls the wine to his family's manor in France, only to find out that the plague had killed his father, brother and wife.



Perhaps Jane was right after all, he thinks.



Wait, what's that message up there? Someone is asking me to guarantee their independence! Hmm, who could it be?



Find out next part, suckers!