As Manchester United’s slump continues, Ed Woodward is set to take drastic action by tearing up Louis van Gaal’s contract and issuing a new, longer one.

Van Gaal has been visibly struggling in recent weeks and, after admitting that his United side bored him, the pressure intensified when the folder he clutches in the dugout was found not to contain any tactical notes but a copy of Where’s Wally? The Fantastic Journey.

Rather than attempt to fight for his position, Van Gaal has made it more and more clear that he’d love to be put out of his misery with his terse press conferences and baffling tactical decisions.

Crisis talks

We can only hope that this acts as a message to Louis that underachievement will not lead to his escape

When Juan Mata was deployed in the unfamiliar role of steward against Southampton and Wayne Rooney was left ‘in charge of the coats’, United’s board held a crisis meeting to decide on what course of action should be taken.

“Everyone at Manchester United is disappointed with the current situation at the club,” executive vice-chairman Woodward told FFT.

“And it is with deep regret and after much deliberation that we have decided to issue Louis van Gaal a contract extension until 2026.

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“We can only hope that this acts as a message to Louis that underachievement will not be accepted and, more importantly, will not lead to his escape.”

A despondent Van Gaal put pen to paper earlier today wearing a Manchester City shirt.

“I really thought I was out,” Van Gaal told FFT, while kicking Woodward in the shins.

“I honestly don’t know what more I can do. And to make matters worse I haven’t found Wally in nearly six matches. That stripey sod may be having a Fantastic Journey but I’m not.”

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you knew that already, right?

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