Let us suppose, for a moment, that everything we have ever heard about Hillary Clinton’s health is true.

She has had multiple strokes. Also, she has multiple sclerosis.

She depends upon a stool.

She has Parkinson’s. And HIV.

She might or might not have asthma.

She has one year left to live.

There are at least two so-called Hillary Clintons. One is a body double. Both wear adult diapers, which accounts for the shape of their garments, but they are not very subtle about it, so that many YouTube users were able to notice and comment.

She is constantly suffering from seizures, blackouts, falls and collapses.

She has unspecified heart trouble.

She has lupus.

Also, “there’s special needs there” (Rep. Louie Gohmert’s words, not mine) and the only way to help her is through the power of prayer.

(This is probably just one of the many pernicious side effects of taking an extraterrestrial as a lover.)

Every time she puts together a coherent sentence, it is a minor miracle. It requires a team of armor-clad specialists to prop her upright at all times. Picture what Franklin Delano Roosevelt had to do to conceal his polio, then multiply it by a factor of 10.

When you contemplate all of this, it is amazing all that she has accomplished. Just by way of comparison, I came down with a slight cold this weekend and have been prone on the couch ever since beneath a giant mound of tissues. And she has been secretary of state, served in the Senate and run for president twice, all while LITERALLY DYING at every possible moment.

I was willing to cut her some slack. But now, surely as a speaker on the main stage of the Republican National Convention, the question of her Numerous Ailments has moved from the Fringe Conspiracy Zone into the Mainstream Conversation. Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia Friday, a fact she had to admit Sunday after she overheated at a 9/11 commemoration and stumbled on the way to her van, prompting demand for increased transparency about her health.

Not the transparency we have now, though. A better transparency. After all, we have gotten her medical records before — about that blood clot and concussion — and they somehow said nothing about the adult diapers or body doubles. We must not allow the wool to be pulled over our eyes any longer.

Doctors cannot be trusted. Does Donald Trump’s doctor even exist?

US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Show all 12 1 /12 US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Republican U.S. presidential nominee Donald Trump shakes hands with Democratic U.S. presidential nominee Hillary Clinton at the conclusion of their first presidential debate at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York Reuters US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures President Barack Obama embraces Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton on stage at the party's convention in Philadelphia US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Donald Trump's wife Melania delivered a speech at the GOP convention in Cleveland that was later found to have been cribbed in part from Michelle Obama's 2008 convention address AP US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Hillary Clinton talks to reporters aboard her new campaign plane on Labour Day, 5 September, her first 'press conference' since 2015 (Getty Images) US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Donald Trump held a joint press conference with Mexican leader Enrique Pena Nieto in Mexico City in August, hours before reiterating his harsh immigration plans at a campaign rally in Arizona Reuters US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Bernie Sanders officially endorsed Hillary Clinton, saying his progressive vision for ‘a transformed America’ would be ’best served by the defeat of Donald Trump’ Reuters US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Khizr and Gazala Khan appeared at the DNC to slam Trump for his stance on Muslim immigration, citing the case of their son Humayun Khan, who was killed in combat while serving as a Captain in the US Army in Iraq US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson is doing better in polls than any third party candidate since Ross Perot, 20 years ago Nicholas Kamm/AFP/Getty US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Green Party candidate Jill Stein (centre) marches with supporters in Colorado AP US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Hillary Clinton and Virginia Senator Tim Kaine at a rally in Kaine's home state in July, days before Ms Clinton tapped him to be her running mate Getty US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Trump on the campaign trail with his vice presidential pick, Indiana governor Mike Pence AP US election 2016: the race for the White House in pictures Former Ukip leader Nigel Farage appears at a Trump rally in Mississippi in August, where he told the crowd that he 'wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton if you paid me'.

No, if we really want to feel at ease about what is going on with Hillary Clinton’s health, as well as about those rumors that her glance can curdle milk, that the cat Socks was her long-term familiar, and that Trump looks the way he does because Clinton once looked at him with the Evil Eye and will not allow his virile member to return to him, there is only one approach to take.

We must test her correctly. She must be placed upon a ducking stool, then weighed against a sack of Bibles, and then we must hear Giles Corey’s testimony against her. We must learn: Does soaking a cake in her urine and feeding it to a dog cause her to cry out in pain? Does her body bear the Devil’s Teat? Does she mutter to herself? Did Abigail see her dance in the glen with the Lord Beelzebub, then fly off into the night with a loud cry?

Then, at last, we can rest assured.

P.S.: Donald Trump should undergo all these procedures, too, or he is definitely a witch. And release his tax returns, while he is at it.