I’m pretty sure all of us have been told at one point or another, after taking down someone who perpetuates any one of a sea of -isms, “Don’t be so sensitive.” When I was a kid, that cowed me. I was afraid of being perceived as weak and hysterical (ah, internalized misogyny!), and as everyone well knows, sensitive is but one step down the dangerous path of unchecked (and feminine!) emotion.

But now when someone tells me, “Don’t be so sensitive,” my reaction is to ask, “Why?” What do I gain from being less sensitive, apart from an increased tolerance for TMZ commenters? I can see where someone benefits – their egregious displays of racism, sexism, homophobia, and ableism remain unchecked. They can remain comfortable in an environment that is uncomfortable for everyone who isn’t them. They can control the dialogue.

But me? I gain nothing.

Maybe this will be easier with examples.

When someone tells a rape joke and then tells you to “Stop being so sensitive,” they’re telling you that violence against women is not a big deal. They’re telling you that women are a punchline.

That is not OK.

When someone tells a racist joke and then tells you to “Stop being so sensitive,” they’re telling you that the dehumanization and oppression of people of color is no big deal. They’re telling you that people of color might not qualify as people.

That is not OK.

When someone tells a heterosexist joke and then tells you to “Stop being so sensitive,” they’re reinforcing the heteronormative status quo. They’re telling you that other sexual identities are deviant and deserve scorn.

That is not OK.

When someone tells a cissexist joke and then tells you to “Stop being so sensitive,” they are telling you that the high suicide rate among trans* people is no big deal. They are telling you that trans* people’s identities should not be respected.

That is not OK.

When someone tells a Black person who is sharing an experience of racism, or a woman who is sharing an experience of sexism, or a trans* person who is sharing an experience of transphobia to “Stop being so sensitive,” they are erasing that person’s experience and replacing it with their own. They are telling that person that zie is experiencing things incorrectly, inaccurately. They are telling that person that they know better.

That is not OK.

When someone tells you to “Stop being so sensitive,” they are trying to shame you by calling on weakness, on femininity, on your deviance from the acceptable, masculine response.

That is not OK.

I know not everyone who says, “Stop being so sensitive” comes from a place of privilege, but the phrase “Stop being so sensitive” comes from the place of ultimate privilege. It comes from a place where no one has ever erased your identity and experiences. It comes from a place where your concerns are taken seriously and the concerns of others not like you are dismissed as secondary. It comes from a place where you haven’t thought about and acknowledged the fundamental humanity in every other person, regardless of race, sex, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, gender orientation, or disability. It comes from a thoughtless place.

So you know, I’ll be as sensitive as I damn well please.