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The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the surest way to let your interviewer see the true nature of your character. And now that you've stopped feigning blindness, you need to make up for lost time. Hold your interviewer's gaze at all times, drinking in their features like a man dying of thirst. Thirst for facial features.

"You've got a real pretty mouth." _________ Conventional Advice: Ask questions about the position and company culture By asking questions about the position and culture within the office, you stress how interested you are in the role and how you see yourself fitting in to it. This lets the interviewer know you're more interested in the job than the money, which is one of those universal lies everyone tacitly agrees to ignore. Unconventional Advice: Just dive right in to the company culture See if you can find some company branded clothes on eBay, like golf shirts or windbreakers. Or just make your own. A crudely knitted sweater vest with the company logo stitched into it to shows you possess resourcefulness and crafty fingers. During the interview, show them company photographs which you've Photoshopped yourself in to. Show up wearing a wig made of employee's hair. (You'll need some prep time for this; also look for Cracked's 85 Tips for Gathering Stranger's Hair on bookshelves this December.) _________ Conventional Advice: Refer to quantifiable achievements When discussing past achievements, quantify what you did. Whether it's time saved, money made or products created, by referencing verifiable achievements it makes you look like someone who can actually get things done, rather than someone who is solely responsible for making ass marks in chairs. Unconventional Advice: Show, don't tell Any writer can tell you that showing something happened is a far more powerful way to convey it then telling the reader it happened. The same applies to job interviews. Grab something off his desk and show him how to do it better. Interviewers love this. _________ Conventional Advice: Never criticize your past employer By criticizing your previous employers, you can come across as bitter, angry or small. Your interviewer will wonder how you'll speak of his company when you eventually part ways. Unconventional Advice: Criticize the fuck out of them But, if you're seeking a job in the same industry as your past employment, then your previous employer is likely a competitor of this company. By demonstrating a shared dislike for this competitor, you're sure to ingratiate yourself. Be careful you don't come across as bitter though. Instead, you want to give the impression that you're a concerned citizen who could no longer stand idly by with all that bestiality and sloppy accounting practices going on unreported. Don't be afraid to exaggerate. Phrases like "laundered Nazi gold," or "elbow deep in sheep," help make stories memorable. _________ Conventional Advice: When asked what your "greatest weakness" is, have a prepared answer Everyone hates this question. Interviewers know that, and by observing the responses they get, they can form a pretty good idea of how the interviewee handles stress. The conventional wisdom is that when asked this question you should discuss a past weakness and how you overcame it. Make sure the weakness you claim isn't critical to this job. "Can't stand the sound of children's laughter" is a good one, provided you're not applying for a position at a daycare. Sorry; a reputable daycare. Unconventional Advice: When asked what your "greatest weakness" is, break a piece of furniture with your bare hands Because fuck weakness, that's why. You're strong, stronger than this chair, stronger than anyone. You're nobody's fool. _________ Conventional Advice: Provide references Many times interviewers won't even check references, or if they do, make only cursory phone calls. This is mostly just meant to verify that you haven't made up your resume entirely, or that you've at least made the effort to brief accomplices on the accents they'll need to imitate when verifying your back story. Unconventional Advice: You don't need any referencesâ¦ â¦because right now the interviewer is thinking: "Holy Shit, this guy just kicked a chair in half. He is definitely getting this job." _________