Running my life like a business.

5 personal huddles I’ll definitely clear by negotiating like a Fukscist:

A master negotiator explains how he gave Uncle Sam the slip at both the tax and draft offices. Being a smart person, he was able to convince the military how patriotic this is. After adding how POWs and Gold Star families bogged him down, they opened their arms wide and the rest is history.

My phone had been abuzz all day yesterday with hourly updates about the state of NAFTA. The general idea I got from the various sources, is that Trump has a neat trick that nobody has been smart enough to wrangle. But I’m wise to his game — In an argument, he’ll say or do something colossally incredulous e.g. Mexico paying for the wall or the US quitting the rest of the world altogether. This forces the other person to lose their shit and start sweating profusely before conceding to Trump’s every single demand. It’s like reverse psychology, but for the very intelligent. I have made a calculated decision to apply this thesis to all my current issues at hand:

Avoiding Uber rides - I hate generic conversations. I’ve driven for Uber. I know how it is with the confounded stars. I’ll give you 5 stars regardless..unless you murder me… even if you shut the fuck up for the entire ride. I don’t want your life story and neither do I want to give you mine. So if I feel slightly buzzed after a night out, I’ll just take my chances and get behind the wheel. I’ll then proceed to pull over every single cop I see on my way home before confronting them. This way, the last thing they’ll be thinking, is to administer a sobriety test — they’ll want to tell me to go fuck myself before screeching off to avoid further trouble.

I hate generic conversations. I’ve driven for Uber. I know how it is with the confounded stars. I’ll give you 5 stars regardless..unless you murder me… even if you shut the fuck up for the entire ride. I don’t want your life story and neither do I want to give you mine. So if I feel slightly buzzed after a night out, I’ll just take my chances and get behind the wheel. I’ll then proceed to pull over every single cop I see on my way home before confronting them. This way, the last thing they’ll be thinking, is to administer a sobriety test — they’ll want to tell me to go fuck myself before screeching off to avoid further trouble. Getting a pay raise - I’ll call my manager in the morning and demand a 250% raise or I’m not coming in. She’ll be forced to haggle her way down quite a stretch. The worst I can possibly get is a 10% boost and she’ll walk away victorious thinking what a sucker I am.

I’ll call my manager in the morning and demand a 250% raise or I’m not coming in. She’ll be forced to haggle her way down quite a stretch. The worst I can possibly get is a 10% boost and she’ll walk away victorious thinking what a sucker I am. A date with Michelle Rodriguez - I’ll hire a team of private investigators to find out where Ms. Rodriguez likes to eat. I’ll then buy a ’68 Corvette and have it painted lime green and fitted with all types of fascinating aftermarket doohickeys and gizmos just like in the Fast and Furious series. I’ll then cut her off as she drives down and flash gang signs at her before beating her to the spot. I’ll make sure she sees me then act aloof and mysterious like a 70’s high school quarterback heartthrob. She’ll have no choice but to throw herself at my feet hopelessly enamored.

I’ll hire a team of private investigators to find out where Ms. Rodriguez likes to eat. I’ll then buy a ’68 Corvette and have it painted lime green and fitted with all types of fascinating aftermarket doohickeys and gizmos just like in the Fast and Furious series. I’ll then cut her off as she drives down and flash gang signs at her before beating her to the spot. I’ll make sure she sees me then act aloof and mysterious like a 70’s high school quarterback heartthrob. She’ll have no choice but to throw herself at my feet hopelessly enamored. Safe passage on United Airlines - I’ll just wear a T shirt that states how I derive immense salacious pleasure should I happen to be clobbered, tugged at and shoved about. They’ll be forced to make a business decision which is NOT to lay a single finger on me…unless I pay an extra $50 Assault Tax. No freebies.

I’ll just wear a T shirt that states how I derive immense salacious pleasure should I happen to be clobbered, tugged at and shoved about. They’ll be forced to make a business decision which is NOT to lay a single finger on me…unless I pay an extra $50 Assault Tax. No freebies. Playing with lions and cuddling their cubs - I love cats. By that, I mean ALL cats. I wish to domesticate a tiger or at the very least, a mountain lion. But I’ve watched way too many Youtube stories about people like me being mauled to death or having huge chunks of crucial parts of their bodies gobbled up by their once lovable kitties - leaving them disfigured and unlikable. I’ll go on safari, ditch the guide as he sets up the cameras and beseeches me to come back after I jump out the Land Rover. Confidently, I’ll march towards a pride of lions soaking up the late afternoon sun. They’re not used to this and will stay put, baffled and wide eyed as I pet the shit out of them.

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You think this qualifies as humor? I won’t be thrilled out of my mind if you click the green ❤️ and follow me.

Leave suggestions below about how you can use reverse psychology to better your life.