3. I hate that we’ve lost five of the last six games to you and that somehow you inexplicably think this makes you special. It’s not you, Iowa. It’s us. See, we’ve been losing to everyone lately. We’ve lost to powerhouses and scrubs and we’ve stumblefucked our way through entire years of decaying mediocrity (*See: Season, The Current). But somehow you’ve latched onto this as a way to pat yourselves on the back.

The Darkness…

We‘re the girl that recently had her heart broken by her ex and is really going through some shit. We tossed back a few too many White Claws and accidentally made out 12 dudes in one night. You were guy number 11. Now you won’t stop coming over to us, hoping desperately that you’ll catch our eye again, but we’re too consumed with this blackhole churning inside of us to smell that desperate Axe Body spray your program is wearing.