WASHINGTON—Claiming to desire a measured, civilized discussion bringing to light the pros and cons of each candidate, thousands of Americans hungry for an unhinged trainwreck lied that they just want “a substantive, issues-oriented Democratic debate,” sources confirmed Tuesday. “I want to hear from each of the candidates and learn their stance on important matters,” said the thousands of deceitful Americans eagerly waiting to see the 23 Democratic candidates for president tear each other limb from limb in vicious smear campaigns and personal attacks under the guise of self-promotion and campaign strategy. “What I’m all about is a coherent, civil debate [that eventually leads to a humiliating GIF I can post online and eventually filter all of my opinions on a candidate through]. Finally, we might get a chance to delve into the meat of the issues in a considerate exchange of ideas [which hopefully is a facade for a mudslinging free-for-all that eventually disgraces a candidate to the point that they become a pariah and leave politics forever]. At press time, the salivating, wild-eyed nation was purportedly “disappointed with all the political back-biting” after hearing one candidate accuse another of flip-flopping on gun control.

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