Given my remarkable success at predicting things that would happen in April General Conference, I thought I would try my hand again with some more Conference predictions for October.

In a stunning rebuke of the murmurnacle, President Nelson will announce that not only will the three hour block not be shortened to two hours, it will actually be lengthened to four hours. Existing meetings and classes will not be changed in length. The extra hour will be used for a mandatory meeting where all ward members (including primary and nursery-aged children) sit in council and discuss the importance of Defending the Family. Meetinghouses used by three wards will follow the 8-12/10-2/12-4 schedule. Fifth Sundays will be celebrated with a special five-hour block, with each meeting lengthened by 25%.

There will be numerous references to the Church by its full, complete, and proper name. Many of these will be preceded by “even,” particularly in prayers. For example, “We thank Thee, Lord, for our membership in Thy Church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

Several speakers will illustrate with lovely anecdotes that bishops always have the best interests of children and teens they are interviewing at heart, and would never ask inappropriate questions.

A group of attendees who are planning to vote opposed during the sustaining of church officers will become confused and instead take a knee. Rather than being seen as rabble-rousers by their fellow attendees, they will instead be seen as holier-than-thou and overly zealous.

Conference Center security will announce that, although they appreciate the sentiment, attendees should remove their red “Make Mormonism the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Again” hats while in the building.

It will be announced that ministering brothers and ministering sisters are being renamed manisters and assistants to the regional manister, respectively.

Many speakers will share heartwarming ministering success stories. No speakers will share heartrending ministering failure stories.

Three new temples will be announced: Monrovia, Liberia; Havana, Cuba; and Downtown Draper, Utah. (The existing Draper temple will be renamed the Draper Foothills Temple to distinguish it from the new one.)

As it will be the first Conference since who knows when that there won’t be a dedicated session for priesthood holders only, chaos will reign. Dogs will marry cats. Gay people will storm the temples and demand to marry their furniture. In the middle of it all, Jesus will return.

What do you expect will be said or done at Conference?