Friend’s Story Remastered, Reissued with Higher Levels of Bullshit

WEST CHESTER, Pa. — Hardcore scene veteran Brad White reissued his classic “Huge Fight in Philly” story earlier this week, according to witnesses. The exclusive, one-time reissue reportedly featured new, “complete bullshit” content, including several injuries White never inflicted and special-edition fight participants who were never there.

The original story, first released sometime during the summer of 2011, received mixed reviews. Friends who heard the classic version picked up on the remastered changes immediately.

“I guess it was pretty interesting back then, hearing about Brad stumbling into a guy and getting shoved through a doorway, but it’s not like it was that great of a story,” said roommate Lila Murray. “This reissue had someone thrown through a plate glass window, like in those western movies.”

White, reportedly unhappy with the long-term reception of the original, self-released his new version, hoping for a more enthusiastic response. “Some details just didn’t come through in the demo,” said White. “I don’t think people realize how much danger I was in, or how many dudes I had to rough up to make it out of there alive.”

To correct these flaws, White painstakingly remastered the story, bringing new details to the forefront of the mix. The reissue includes two cracked ribs, “a shitload of punches to the head,” and “a shirt ripped in half when I laid out four dudes with white power tattoos.”

Unfortunately for White, reception to the reissued story has been mixed as well.

“This story was bad the first time he told it. Now, it just sounds like he’s trying way too hard,” said longtime friend Eduardo Paul. “The new version has an entire section where an outlaw biker gang asks him to join their crew. It’s just unnecessary.”

Bartender Megan Cannon offered a more positive response. “Man, last time Brad told that story, he was so drunk!” she said. “He got so fucking loud, and I couldn’t understand a word of it. He’s really increased the clarity and balanced the levels. It shows a maturity I didn’t think he had.”

White claimed this is only the first release in what he hopes will be an extensive reissue series, seeking to offer a fully remastered version of “That Time I Got Laid by That Girl Who Looked Like Rihanna” by late spring.

Photo by Danny Krug.