‘I’m Dracula,’ Says Frustrated Man


NEW BUFFALO, MI—Struggling to convey his exasperation through a set of plastic fangs, seasonally costumed reveler Aaron Greenstone admitted feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness Wednesday after explaining his Dracula Halloween costume for the “umpteenth” time. “I thought it would be super clever if I dressed up this way, but it turned out to be more trouble than it’s worth,” said Greenstone, 35, noting that he had already been mistaken for Batman, Harry Potter, and Goth Jared Kushner. “I eventually just started telling people that I’m a vampire, but they’re like, ‘Huh? What’s that?’ When I hiss at them, they ask if I’m a cat. When I tell them I want to suck their blood, they’re just confused and weirded out. Somebody came up to me in the kitchen a few minutes ago and was like, ‘Hey, I get it! You’re a steampunk dentist!’ I give up.” A dejected Greenstone was later seen leaving the party in the company of an individual who had evidently dressed as a large, green arthritic with bolts in his neck.