If you’re a guy, you know we take our poop very seriously. Not so much on a physiological level, but in terms of quality of life. It’s all about the experience, the journey. There’s nothing better than your own toilet, Charmin Ultra Soft, and some good reading material–whether it’s Dad and his newspaper, or millennials and our twitter feed, you gotta have something to keep you preoccupied when nature’s on the other line. But if you have a busy schedule like I do, and especially if you’re partial to a good cup of coffee to keep you goin’, you know that a nice public bathroom is an invaluable thing when you’re in a jam. Many of you may even hold it until you get home. But I, for one, am tired of living in fear. If we need to take a dump in public, God dammit there should be facilities that measure up to our standards. So I took it upon myself, as a sacrifice for all of you, to find out which porcelain thrones are fit for co-ed Kings like ourselves. And, without further adieu, here are my power rankings for the best and worst public bathrooms at Bowling Green State University.

TOP 3

3. Bowen Thompson Student Union (Behind Marco’s)

Cleanliness: * * * * *

Location/Traffic: * * * *

Amenities: * * * *

Overall Score: * * * *

(Based on a 5 Star Scale)

Weighing in at the number 3 spot, this restroom, located between Marco’s and the Black Swamp Pub, offers several amenities that are underrated when considering takin’ the Browns to the Superbowl (To my fellow Browns fans, although that’s probably the only time you’re going to here that phrase anytime soon, don’t give up). For starters, being part of the Student Union, it is very well kept. Good sized mirrors, clean, modern tiled floors, hooks on stall doors, functioning locks, the works. Toilet paper is always restocked–never take that for granted in public restrooms, trust me– and toilets are always clean. The one characteristic that makes this location unique is location. While the first floor of the Union is among the busiest places on campus, this particular bathroom is in a low traffic area compared to the rest of the building. Few people are congregating much past Marco’s, so privacy is certainly a plus. But at the same time it is within fifty feet of Starbucks and the Falcon’s Nest, making this location a top tier toilet. If nature calls during your time in the Union, this is your best option.

2. Eppler Complex (Second Floor Locker Room)

Cleanliness: * * * *



Location/Traffic: * * * * *



Amenities: * * * *

Overall Score: * * * *

Ever heard the popular real-estate cliche “Location, location, location” before? Well it’s a cliche for two reasons. First, because it’s a really easy way for real-estate agents and the State of New York to charge me twice as much in property taxes for an 800 sq. ft. ranch on the lake as they do for a 3,000 sq. ft. house 10 miles away. The second is because it really does make a difference. This water closet is tucked away on the second floor just off of the gym, which makes its location its top selling point. Did you even know that Eppler had a gym? Exactly. Neither does hardly anyone else. I’ve never come across anyone entering or exiting, let alone being stuck in the stall next to the mouth-breather who’s had three square meals at Carillon for the past week and a half. This one has all the basics, despite the occasional floater. To be honest, I’m surprised the janitors can even find their way back to clean this one on a daily basis. I don’t know who Gertrude Eppler was, but if she had any hand in designing this Labyrinth, she’s got a real messed up sense of humor. I suppose that’s why it’s a complex? Whatever. If you find yourself in the vicinity, need to set up shop for a while, and can manage to find it, I’d highly recommend it.

1. Hayes Hall (Basement)

Cleanliness: * * * * *

Location/Traffic: * * * * *



Amenities: * * * * *



Overall Score: * * * * *



Okay, before you jump to any conclusions, I realize this one is LITERALLY IN A BASEMENT. You probably didn’t even consider going here. It’s a few flickery lightbulbs away from a run down asylum/hospital in a horror flick. You know, when the protagonist tries to escape in the middle of the night and there’s suddenly no one around accept h/her and the killer? And the killer chases them into a secluded poorly lit hallway or staircase? And they trip over their own feet? And then *GASP*–It was just a dream. That always kills it for me. But yeah, I recognize all that. However, this thing makes the Cheesecake Factory look like a 90’s McDonald’s. Faux-marble tiles, borderline mood-lighting, pristine cleanliness–but above all–location baby. This stall’s got it all. I don’t know if you’ve been down there before, but unless you have a class in the computer lab, it’s not necessarily a place you’d go to just kick it. If you’re passing by though, and need to unload some timber, I’d recommend it every time. Next to no traffic, right next to a staircase that leads directly outside, and you can guarantee a peaceful place to park your pooper. Strictly judging the bathroom itself, Five stars, everytime.

Honorable Mentions:



Education Building (Second Floor)

This one is really nothing special. In fact, it’s quite out dated and dreary. But it deserves recognition among the top tier for one reason alone. Entertainment value. If you’re a bathroom graffiti enthusiast like myself, you respect scribblings of genius during your stay at the oval office. The postings are as diverse as they are classic. For example, a poem.

Here I sit, all broken hearted, Came to poop, but only farted. Later on I took chance, Went to fart, but shit my pants.

Ground breaking stuff guys. Other highlights include witty observation like, “If God were real, my nipple hair would be as long as my chest hair.” Couldn’t agree more. And of course, an ode to Tommy Tutone, “For a good time call me, (419) 867-9022.” Easy killer, that’s not the actual number. But c’mon, that’s more exciting than my twitter feed on a regular basis. Definitely worth a stop.

Olscamp (Either floor)

Large, spacious rooms. Large mirrors, good sinks, but it missed it’s spot in the top 3 for one sole reason. No paper towel. Have you seen that commercial with James Dyson and his AirBlade hand dryer? You know, he looks like the bad guy from Die Hard mixed with David Oreck in that he designs vacuums? He says these AirBlades dry your hands with one slow in and out motion, and reduce waste. Yeah, well he fuckin’ lied. I had to go back into the stall and try and use toilet paper, which dissolved the second it touched my hands, and then I’m left peeling the slop off my hands for 5 minutes. Sorry James, no pun intended, but you blew it.

East Hall (First Floor)

It’s unisex and it locks. Take from that what you will.

Bottom 3

3. Business Administration (First Floor)

Cleanliness: * * * *

Location/Traffic: * * *

Amenities: * * *



Overall Score: * *



By no means is this a horrible bathroom per se. It’s plenty clean, although a bit out dated. It’s not very aesthetically pleasing, but what are you gonna do. My biggest problem is unexplainable. It’s an intangible. You can’t rate it in terms of stars. It’s the toilets. It’s not that they’re dirty or have floaters, it’s a structural issue–they’re at an uncomfortable height. Now I know I sound like the guy who sends his wings back at B-dubs because they weren’t completely covered in sauce (although that is annoying, wet means wet Alyssa you had one fucking job!) but hear me out on this one. It’s just enough that if you’re in the midst of battle, you might as well retreat to Eppler, because it’s just not happening today Lieutenant. Some force of nature that, while I’m sure could be explained by a physics and anatomy professor collab, just inhibits you from making any progress. I couldn’t poop. Wouldn’t come out. I know, sounds crazy, but my heels couldn’t touch the ground, and I’m 6’1″. It’s like witch craft. So there’s that, and the fact that theirs two entrances at either end so there’s always someone in and out, it’s just not great.

2. Harshman Quad (First Floor Guest Bathrooms)

Cleanliness: * * *



Location/Traffic: * * * *

Amenities: * *



Overall Score: * *



God, just avoid these ones. It’s a large, horrifying room, one toilet, no stall walls, a questionably placed handicap bar, and a radiator that screeches like a banshee’s nails on the chalk boards of hell. I wouldn’t doubt it was once a crime scene. In fact, the only way I could go would be if there was ever a power outage. I would shit my pants expecting a puppet on a bicycle to ask me if I wanted to play a game. No. Just no. I think if anything, the fact that it is in a low traffic area makes it even scarier.

1. Jerome Library (First Floor)

Cleanliness: ???



Location/Traffic: * *

Amenities: * * *



Overall Score: *



Jesus Christ. If number one of the Top 3 is a ghost poop, then this is fiery diarrhea. I tried to go in there today and it was a nightmare. I’ve been in family owned gas stations in Zanesville with higher standards. I’d rather shit at the bars. One of four stalls was bearable, two of them were more devastated than Joan Rivers plastic surgeon will be when she dies, and the handicap stall–the Cadillac of public deification–has a booster seat. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Traffic is awful because due to a staggering lack of real-estate you’re constantly running into someone coming out of a stall, washing their hands, opening the door, staring in the mirror, etc. The doors don’t lock, the air smells like soured dish towels, and get this–the paper towels are stale. I don’t know how that is physically possible, but they are stale. At the very least, it pushed the water off of my hands and onto the floor… Onto the lime stained linoleum, where it will likely… sit until I graduate.