Blackened Prawns

This is such a favorite with the guys on the rigs that the running joke is that our company was named after the dish! Believe me, you won’t have leftovers (but, if you do, they’ll last and last).

Ingredients:

Prawns. If prawns are extinct, use chicken drumettes.

Enough finely chopped garlic to overcome aroma

Coat prawns with garlic. If necessary, use glue gun. Broil. Watch for flareups.

Tip from Chef Tony: Cooking is like playing jazz—there’s no such thing as a mistake.

Wild Duck and Sticky Rice à la Pressure Cooker

A lot of cooks are afraid of pressure cookers, but I say no problemo. Besides, if something does go wrong, well, as Julia taught us, you’re alone in the kitchen. Who’ll know?

Ingredients:

A duck. If varmint cannot be restrained with tongs and corn-on-the-cob holders, stand on it.

Enough rice to plug a three-inch diameter hole

Weather stripping

Clean gaskets and bird with Mr. Magic Countertop. Aren’t there directions somewhere on appliance? See if you can find owner’s manual. Serves four—or approximately two hundred members of the press.

Fun Fact from Chef Tony: As far as can be determined, nobody has ever sustained a permanent injury from a smell.

Thick-as-Tar Chocolate Pudding

My late wife couldn’t get enough of this. Best eaten at night under a moonless sky. The pudding’s gentle glow is just the thing to put you and your sweetheart in the mood! Light a candle at your own risk.

Ingredients:

Cocoa powder (optional)

Marine diesel

Dispersant

Lubricate ramekins. Set aside. Blend, baby, blend. Throw overboard. Discard ramekins as well.

Science Lesson from Chef Tony: The number of crockery pieces flung into the ocean is minuscule compared with the number of molecules in the universe.

E-Z-Does-It Crunchy Pasta

When I was a kid, my mom used to serve this alfresco. Then the yard disappeared.

Follow directions for “How to Whiten Your Teeth” (p. 173). If potable water is not available, serve yourself last.

Chef Tony Says: Be frugal! Use the yucky orange-colored oil when cooking for children or those with a severe head cold.

Tony’s Never-Fail Deep-Fried Doughnuts

We’ve received reports that this recipe failed. We recommend that you turn off the lights and leave the kitchen immediately.

Tony’s Try-and-Try-Again Deep-Fried Doughnuts

How much masking tape do you have? Keep stirring. If it still looks like that after an hour, continue stirring for four to six months. Can’t you call it gravy? Japanese peanut butter? Swiss cheese has holes in it and nobody complains. Blot well with paper towels.

Another Thought from Chef Tony: Who wants to slave over a hot stove all day? Call Morty’s Deli. They deliver. Don’t you want your life back? ♦