I know this comic seems like the plot of a Family Guy cutaway, but reality proves, once again, to be stranger than fiction.

In my own life, which no one seems to be buying tickets to see, I finally got my hands on The Holy Trinity of nerdom. Fifth edition is the first edition I’ve been excited enough to pick up and read through all the guides. It’s been pure cocaine. But instead of catalyzing a desire to bang champagne and drink hookers**, all I want to do is go outside and play like a kid; I want to pick up sticks (aka wands), branches (aka quarterstaffs), crab apples (aka hot spheres of obsidian), and other shit devoid of magical properties and just pretend. Soon, I’ll be writing a D&D campaign. No, for real. I’m not just saying that as a metric for how excited I am. I actually have a campaign planned. It won’t be anywhere near ready until sometime in March, but the threads are starting to take shape.

As an amuse-bouche, I present the title: “Perversions of the Mad Zookeeper.”

**I’m just guessing at what cocaine encourages. Banging glass bottles and drink entire humans seemed plausible.