NEW YORK—Citing the device’s absolute betrayal of company values, ABC News officials confirmed Friday that the network had fired the hot mic responsible for converting sound waves of Amy Robach revealing that the network spiked a story on Jeffrey Epstein. “This hot mic’s behavior clearly violates both our corporate guidelines and journalistic standards, and we will not tolerate such blatant adversarial reporting,” said ABC News President James Goldston, who also blasted the defiant electrical signal for working in unison with the microphone to transmit the conversation about the network’s decision to bury a story about the wealthy serial abuser. “It’s a shame to see so-called honest pieces of equipment overriding our editorial standards to push their own agenda. Recording every word Amy said was completely out of context with what was going on. We are also reassigning the camera and desk for their role in undermining and tarnishing ABC News.” At press time, Goldston reassured viewers that ABC would be instituting a much more rigorous vetting process for microphones to ensure such brash insubordination never happens again.

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