The dilemma

I have been married for almost two years. I disclosed everything to my wife before we got married. She wanted to know how many women I had slept with, which was only six. She told me she had only had sex with one man – her boyfriend of four years – and I was her second. A few days ago, we were talking about sex and I told her that it is importantt to know a girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s past. She then told me her sexual history was “none of my business”. I told her that her being defensive and argumentative tells me she did not disclose her complete sexual history to me. If she had lied to me about her sexual history I would consider it deception and would no longer trust her.

Mariella replies

Is that a threat? If so it’s illustrative of your interrogative approach to the topic in general. Why is it preoccupying you so much? Will numbers satisfy you? Or is it qualitative descriptions you are after, a checklist of positions tried?

Then what? Your relentless pursuit of this total disclosure of your wife’s sexual past seems misguided to me. Yes, it would have been good for her to feel comfortable enough to tell you the full story, and for all we know she did. Her recent declaration that it’s none of your business suggests a woman exhausted with the topic rather than a woman with skeletons rattling about in the closet.

If your wife has given an inaccurate headcount I suppose it would be deception, but also perhaps self-preservation and it’s decidedly uncouth on your part to be demanding numbers at all. Before the relationship began you both enjoyed lives that included numerous experiences, some of which you may be proud of, some less so. Unless I’m hopelessly out of touch, “full disclosure” isn’t included in the marriage vows. Marriage is simply an agreement between two people to commit to each other in the future, not some sort of bonded indenture where your partner gets full rights to your past. You’re approaching this issue like an angry bull, and that’s not a conducive way to elicit information. I’d also question what the information you’re after is for. It should make no difference at all whether your wife has had a couple or scores of lovers, so long as her focus and sexual interests are now zoomed in on you. I suspect you are hung up on the numbers partly because you are insecure about your own sexual experience.

Allowing such insecurity into your relationship will only ensure its decline. Instead of counting up lovers and demanding revelations that have the potential to increase rather than decrease your happiness, why don’t you turn your attention to improving what you have. Sex is not about quantity of partners but quality of experience. The world’s worst lovers are those who consider intercourse an act of conquest rather than an erotic encounter to be relished and explored. Familiarity isn’t the enemy of great sex but often a precursor to it. Fumbling first nights, fuelled by adrenalin, alcohol and chemical stimulants may tick boxes for furtive thrills, but the most satisfying sexual encounters occur between two people who know each other well enough to express their deepest desires, push the boundaries and explore their fantasies. Fretting about where those fantasies spring from, who inspired them or what failed experiments have gone before and with whom will do nothing to enhance your sexual relationship.

To think you know everything about a person is a delusion. We are all mysteries, to those close to us and even to ourselves. How delicious is the thought that this complex creature you love and desire has chosen to share a life with you. Whatever romantic adventures in her past, many or few, that led her to your door should be experiences you are grateful for, not determined to forensically examine and tot up. One of the things I envy least among young lovers now is the extent to which their past is laid bare. What chance for any degree of mystery when your every action and relationship has been documented on Facebook, Instagram and all the other forums for “communicating” your every experience? Living a life like mine, partly in the spotlight of public scrutiny, you learn to value the parts of life that you can keep to yourself. My advice is to stop gnawing on this bone.

When your wife feels less like she’s being cross-examined she may elaborate further. If so it’s worth you considering why you want the information and what difference it makes if her numbers are out. She may well have underestimated her headcount if she felt your questioning was judgmental rather than driven by genuine interest. On the other hand she may have decided that her past is “another country” and that’s an equally valid choice. Asking someone the maths on their past sexual partners is, if you really think about it, which I believe you should, an extremely unsatisfactory way of getting to know them better.



If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

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