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As Melbourne, and a bit of Western Australia, find themselves entranced in the pointy end of the 2018 AFL season – the hysterical white noise of the game’s heartbreaks and Cinderella stories have filled all the gaps usually found in a slow news week.

While most of the Southerners are relishing in the chance to read about nothing but their beloved game for the next week or so, there are some people that really, really don’t want it to end.

In fact, there are some that would love to live their rest of their lives in a purgatory of hysterical media speculation surrounding which football team is the best.

Mainly, Melbourne’s African Community.

The Betoota Advocate spoke to two year-12 students from one of those Melbourne suburbs that don’t have trams or alleyways with murals in them.

Graham* and Cheryl* [names changed] say that while they are excited to see who wins this year’s 2018 AFL Toyota Premiership, they are also terrified about what will happen to their families when the news cycle slows down again.

“We only get a couple months a year to just go about our lives without being painted as violent home invading car-jacking rapists” says Cheryl*

“We’ve had a couple bi-elections down here this year and a lot of politicians with not much to talk about. The football is great for distracting people from the media’s narrative that every 6 foot black kid is an organised crime figure”

Graham says that during this time of the year, he only gets stares from old white people that want him to start playing AFL.

“During September, it’s all about whether or not I can jump and kick footballs. When it’s a slow news week, it’s all about whether I’m gonna jump the elderly and kick their heads”

“As long as the AFL is heating up, then we don’t get Peter Dutton threatening to deport our entire community based off something that he reckons he heard from someone”