Hey guys, are you ready to hop on the Crazy Train? Find your tinfoil hats as I leap from the “Oh, that might make sense” discovery decrypted from the 5.4 Datamining into full on Conpsiracy Theorist mode. Full disclosure, I realize A) how ridiculous all this sounds; B) the extreme unlikliehood of this being the ACTUAL storyline is… low. But if it were. It would be a-MAZ-ing!

This my new pet Master Theory of the (SWTOR) Universe. And the answer, is not 42, as Douglas Adams might have us believe, but in fact 7-18-1-22-5-19-20-15-14-5. You can pry this ridiculous headcanon from my cold dead hands.

Spoilers, and wild speculation that grasps at the thinnest and most fragile of canonical straws, below the “Read More”. Leave your suspension of disbelief behind, because it’ll just drag you down.

So at the end of the revised letter discovered in the 5.4 datamining, in each of the variations on the letter that Theron sends, there’s an error message with a string of what appears to be random numbers. If you apply an alphanumeric cipher to them, it looks like he’s trying to say “It’s Zildrog” and gets cut off, hinting that perhaps everything is not as it seems. (Seeing as how we have to wait until next Tuesday to see if we do indeed receive this letter, well…)

So, anyway, let’s leap onto the crazy train guys. Starting where this whole traitor nonsense first cropped up, which was RageBot Tyth’s CAPSLOCKKKK speech at the end where he’s revealing that, *GASP* there’s a traitor in our midst. (This was pretty heavily hinted at from the first cut scene, that something was up). Let’s look at that speech, in all its Shifty, Capslocky glory:

YOU HAD NO CHOICE. YOU WERE LURED HERE.

BLINDED BY DUTY. DISTRACTED BY TRUST. YOU DID NOT SEE THE BLADE TO YOUR NECK

THE RAGE IN YOUR SHADOW. THE TRAITOR.

YOU ARE BETRAYED.

There’s a dialogue option here that gives you three branched answers (if I’ve pulled from the proper datamining spot on TorCommunity), where you can be all “Bzuh? Why?” Or “You’re trying to trick me” or “I KNEW SOME MOFO WAS UP TO NO GOOD”:

ONE MARKED BY ANGER. PAIN. HOPE ERODING. // RAGE FEEDS ON TRUTH // SUSPICION CORRODES

The first one… is interesting.

THE BETRAYER LURED YOU TO IOKATH. IGNITED WAR. SPARKED THE ENGINES OF RAGE, ENVY, PASSION, HATE, SORROW.

THE BETRAYER NOW OFFERS YOU: SACRIFICE PRIME. FUEL FOR THE SIX GODS!

There’s an extra bit he says at the beginning too that’s interesting, but I’ll circle back around to that later, because it’s a bit of a tangent.

So, he specifically mentions that we’re blinded by our duty (doesn’t say to what), and we’re distracted by “trust”. There’s a “rage in (our) shadow”. They’ve lured us into this death trap with the specific intention of waking the old Zakuulan gods, in theory, to bring about the end of all organic life in the galaxy.

And if you’re thinking “Well, minus the genocide of the entire galaxy that sounds like it could be Theron! I mean, unless we’re like dating him and trying to rebuild everything and doing exactly what he has indicated that he wants up to this point”–hold on! Stop wallowing in despair, because I’ve got a better idea! It’s the Order of Zildrog!

Actually, I’ll do one even BETTER. It’s not just the Order of Zildrog. It’s Zildrog. As in, the old Zakuulan serpent demon who likes to sleep in the Endless Swamp, test warriors, and eventually wants to bring about the destruction of all life. Because that’s what crazy serpents of death do in their spare time. I mean sure, I could be 100% off base, being played by my own hopes, expectations, and cipher substitutions and grasping at the thinnest of straws here, but hear my crazy butt out!

After that speech, we all assumed that the traitor he was referring to, one who’s been at our side from “the beginning of it all” was person in the Alliance. But what if it wasn’t… a person? But still a member of the Alliance. An in fact, vital member of the Alliance.

What if it’s the Gravestone?

Okay, whoever hasn’t slowly backed out of this post at this point and unfollowed me, I assume you had picked “sentient warship of death and destruction” in the “Who is the Traitor?” betting pool as a joke, and are suddenly sweating and looking nervous. (“Am *I* a Scion? Can *I* see the future? That was a joke! I thought the theory of several jawas standing on each others’ backs wearing a robe made more sense!”)

And in a strange sort of way, this makes… a tiny bit of sense? There have been some things that have been nagging at me since we started KotFE/KOTET, but I had brushed them off as dues ex machinas and just weird plot holes. (I mean, they might still be. Sometimes things in SWTOR can be subtle as an anvil landing on your head) While this speech was going on, there was a tiny voice in me asking: What does this giant raging metal god of death care about me? How does he know this about some random person in my Alliance?

But a fellow mighty war machine from Iokath? Tyth just might know a thing or two about that.

“But Grey,” you say as you reach for a sedative as my ramblings start to reach a fever pitch, “you said this was about Zildrog. What does that have to do with the Gravestone? My lovingly loyal warship that I rescued from a swamp and has followed me into battle ever since?”

Well, what I’m saying (as I dodge that sedative to get out the rest of this wild hair that is likely unmoored in reality) is that the Gravestone IS Zildrog. And he’s finally making his move after pretending to be a loyal, stupid spaceship after all this time.

Hold on, let me put on my tinfoil hat and explain my insanity more. Because there are hints peppered throughout KotFE and KOTET that actually back this up. Ambient dialogue on Zakuul with both the Heralds of Zildrog and just random Zakuulans allude that Zildrog is like kind of the rebel of the God Pantheon (some don’t even consider him one of the Gods), hinting that maybe he fought with the other Gods. After the Iokath storyline, we find out that the Gods are actually Giant Mechas intended to play war games all over the galaxy, and Zakuul was one of their favorite worlds to destroy over and over, decimating that population constantly.

If you run about the place there’s all sorts of strange bits of lore about Zildrog that don’t seem to connect to the KotFE/KOTET storyline. Forgive me for I’m stuck at work and can’t go find all of the actual pieces of dialogue verbatim, but I just heard a lot of them this weekend running KotFE Chapter 7 (for unrelated reasons) and it goes something like this: Zildrog is a mythical “dragon” who is “sleeping” out in the Endless Swamp. Waiting to be awakened so he will one day return and “raze the world” and bring “death to all who did not believe”. He’s even got his own Death Cult! Cool! They’re just as insane as this theory, and fervently believe the Apocalypse is an Awesome Thing™. If only there was a way…

So, here we are, Outlander Extraordinaire, and we find this ancient warship out in the swamps. It’s called the GRAVEstone. A name that seems to indicate something ominous about its origins. It’s been whispered that its the only thing that ever stood up in a fight with the Eternal Fleet (which we now know also came from Iokath. As part of their War Game scenarios). It’s been a while since I’ve played that chapter and paid attention to the dialogue, but I recall Valkorion being a bit… vague about it. Like, possibly that he had no fucking clue it was there. (Or he did, hard to tell with Voidy McLiarface). It has this mysterious room that we spend at least two scenes in, and we’re like “Wow, this is weird”, and the game’s like “Yeah, isn’t it? Hahahaha, we better go stop Arcann now shouldn’t we little Outlander?” and you promptly forget about it until your next playthrough and you’re like “Yeah, this is still weird.”

Then we’ve got Scorpio, another Iokath droid, one of the more intelligent ones. She can talk to the Gravestone, interface with it directly. She tells us it has intelligence, an intelligence almost rivals hers. I think she even hints that it has its own purposes but that it won’t say what those are. Before we can delve into “Wait, are you saying that my brand new ancient starship is sentient?” oops! We gotta go stop Arcann again!

Then we’re in KOTET, we’ve just disarmed a fucking quantum bomb on board the Gravestone, when all of the sudden EVERY SINGLE SHIP IN THE FLEET + THE GRAVESTONE suddenly gets pulled back to its point of origin: Iokath. This is a really weird side trip considering its only purpose in the bigger plot of KOTET seems to be to explain the Fleet’s origins as well as give us some shiny new shield upgrades for when Vaylin attacks in Chapter 8 so we don’t immediately die. But hey, our Love Interest was super duper cute with us during this chapter and that was touching.

And then we defeat Vaylin, the Eternal Fleet goes feral and we have to tame it, we kick that stupid ghost out of our head once and for all, and we all live happily ever after! Yay! GO TEAM!

And then. We have to go back to Iokath. Everyone has to go back to Iokath, because a mysterious third party has suddenly slipped in information about these superweapons that literally no living character has memory of, or any reason to have memory of. Specifically, memories of ancient war machines that have been known to decimate entire organic populations, just because. One of their favorite hangouts being Ancient Zakuul, who built up an entire pantheon around them. The only justification for Theron knowing about this is that he plugged in during the Iokath chapters, but his behavior during that and subsequent chapters is either the best acting in the world, or suggests that he doesn’t know this at all. He in fact is the one who plugs back in, and finds evidence that explains the purpose of the superweapon. Dialogue on mine (because Light Side ftw baby!) indicates that maybe it’s Scorpio who’s giving you this information? But it’s vague, almost as if it’s someone else… like, say, an ancient artificial intelligence that lovingly takes you around the galaxy and lets you play with it’s big old Omnicannon? And it’s ignited another conflict, that has the potential to spread throughout the galaxy.

Oh yeah, and then there’s you. The latest in a line of people with control over the Eternal Fleet. Something that has been shown to mercilessly rain destruction on inhabited worlds like a mad dog unless someone is holding its leash. And hey, if you were, to say, be killed while sitting on a throne that information was planted for one of your trusty sidekicks to find, maybe it would be free to go about it’s business raining destruction on the galaxy. Oh, and those old slumbering “Gods” might wake up too, and go cause a few apocalypses of their own. And while everyone is distracted with all this dying, maybe that dark presence in that weird room might finally wake up and watch it’s handiwork.

Being limited as an AI on a warship, it might, say, I don’t know, send vague and cryptic messages to various opposing intelligence organizations. Possibly it had communication with that whole Death Cult that formed around it and lived in the swamp where it lived. Maybe it sent them some messages too, once the coast was clear, and the Eternal Fleet was no longer in opposition to it, now that it’s unwitting puppet had taken out every Zakuulan who had sat on the throne controlling it.

Or you know, Theron changed his clothes for the first time in his fucking life, threw on his Evil Cloak of Evil™, and said “Sorry bitches! It’s Apocalypse time! God I love dying horribly! Mwah ahahaha!” and rigged a train to explode. Because he’s just Extra™ like that I guess!

I mean, you know, who can say which theory is right? The straightforward one we’ve been led to believe with the 5.4 datamining retconning five years of character development for a pointless shocking twist, or the one with an ancient evil sentient warship that just wants to watch the Galaxy burn? I mean, they both have arguments in their favor, amirite?

Because I mean, I don’t know about you, but the only thing more bizarre than Theron being the traitor all along would be that we weren’t betrayed by a person all along, and no matter how many people Theron and Lana interrogated would they discover the culprit. Because who would think to turn to that giant hunk of metal parked outside and say “Hey buddy, sent any super secret encrypted transmissions with that intelligence we forgot about for 1.5 expansions?”

We were betrayed. By a fucking warship. OUR GODDAMN SHIP HAS BEEN PLAYING US ALL ALONG WHAT THE HELL BIOWARE I’M LAUGHING AND CRYING THIS IS SO INSANE IT CAN’T BE TRUE

Join me next time in “Insane Theory Land that Will Not Be True”, as I argue that Tenebrae/Vitiate/Valkorion, Master Manipulator and Devourer of Worlds was outsmarted and used by a sentient spaceship because lolololol. And—OH WAIT ONE LAST THING:

Back to Tyth’s speech. At the very beginning he says this: I AM ONE OF SIX. THE SIX BOW TO NO ONE.

The six gods in the Zakuul Pantheon: Izax, Scyva, Tyth, Aivela, Esne, Nahum. Zildrog isn’t included in that. Some believe he’s another form of Izax, the chief among the Old Gods. I’m nowhere near my PC right now and can’t double-check who is listed on the Iokath Operation, but… it was five bosses, not six right? Am I correct in remembering that Izax wasn’t listed?

Because there’s another funny thing about Izax you guys. There’s this whole “Watcher Izax” that’s mentioned by the guard captain in Chapter 6 who had gone off to the Core Worlds and didn’t come back. And then there’s Guss’s recruitment mission, where his master is named “Isaac”, and when we get back from that Sana Rae is very clear that there’s something very powerful, and very dangerous about this guy.

EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. UP IS DOWN. NORTH IS SOUTH. WAKE UP SHEEPLE YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT.

(Okay I’m probably wrong.)

I mean, there are a lot of questions that still need to be answered: Why did the Gravestone start attacking the Eternal Fleet? If it’s part of the fleet, why is it the only Iokath ship, that looks different from all the rest by the by, that doesn’t need a Gemini droid to control it? Why did the Gods go to sleep? Why didn’t the Gravestone just wake itself up? Is the mud on Zakuul that sticky? The world may never know.