Spring magazines are out. You know what that means.

Once again, we don’t even have to read the articles to know what’s hot for this season. All we have to do is pay attention to the advertising, and we’ll learn not just about the world of fashion, but about the world itself. About beauty, happiness, business… about life, my friends. A few lessons for spring:

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To look, feel, and smell like a celebrity, emulate their entire lifestyle.

This perfume bottle has a lovely feminine hourglass shape. So it’s fitting that Jessica Chastain wears it, because she, too, has a gorgeous figure. Do you want to be like Jessica? Then know this: She keeps her curves in perfect proportion by making sure no fast food ever passes her lips. And that’s not all. To make sure no one else falls prey to the evils of the Big Mac or McRib, Jessica personally murdered Grimace, then finger-painted the walls with his blood. May that image never leave your mind, and may you order a salad at lunch.

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The most accurate way to tell time is to hold your watch next to the face of a beautiful woman.

Think about it: Whenever you want to know what time it is, don’t you put your arm up next to your head (if you are a beautiful woman yourself) or someone else’s (if you are ugly or a man)? Of course you do: “Hey, Stacy, what time is it?” “A quarter past my face, bitch.”

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If you wait long enough, everything will get easier.

You mean now I can spray Vaseline on my OWN ass? Wow. The wait IS over! The world is getting more convenient by the minute.

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Always say what you mean.

Quattro TrimStyle by Schick. Because nothing says, “prune your bush,” like actually saying it. (Subtle, Schick. Subtle.)

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Some things are harder than they look.

The jacket-over-briefs look isn’t as easy to pull off as you might think. Sure, it looks simple, but you can’t just throw a bomber over your bosom and go. Trust me on this. You have to get the face right. You don’t want to look too joyful (left), because then it’s like, “What are you so excited about? You can’t even afford a shirt.” Likewise, you don’t want to seem too dour (right), because then people want to slap you and shout, “Hey. Buck up. At least you HAVE a jacket.” Only one person knows how to get this look exactly right…

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Kate Moss can do anything she wants. Ever.

The secret is never to waver in your because-I’m-Kate-Moss-and-I-fucking-say-so expression.

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You are too old to shop at H&M.

Daphne, Joan, Lindsey, and Lin Wen just want to make one thing clear: You’re past your goddamn prime.

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The Great Gatsby look is back, and it’s everywhere.

Which is awesome, because aren’t we all just living the Gatsby story every day? I know I am. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta run in a minute – it’s almost time for me to plow my friend down with my car and then skip town.

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Never sign a cosmetics contract.

The way it works is they give you 50 pages of small print to sign. The first few pages are like, “Emma Stone, you will get bazillions of dollars for letting us put your pretty face on magazine ads.” But on about page 47, there’s a tiny line that reads, “PS: Once you sign this, we can dress you up like a rainbow clown and gel your hair like it’s 1989 and pose you on a surfboard, because WE OWN YOUR ASS NOW.”

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Sometimes a missed opportunity is a blessing in disguise.

Bullfights are SO in. And at first, Sophia, on the far left, was super-pissed because she didn’t get a bolero OR a hat for this shoot, so clearly she’s not invited to Pamplona with the rest of the girls. Well, fuck them. At least she won’t end up gored.

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It doesn’t have to make sense to work.

Dolce & Gabbana. Because Scarlett Johansson makes out with smooth-nippled statues, so buy this makeup.

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Know someone who could use a little instruction on the finer points of looking good and living right? Share these lessons and change a life.

(For a historical look at past trends, feel free to check out past issues: here, here, and here.)