(This advance copy of the RNC schedule was delivered in a plain manila envelope with no return address.)

. . 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE OF EVENTS . . Monday, July 18 2016 ​​​​ 2:00 P.M. Call to order by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, if available

Video, "Donald J. Trump: Working Class Hero"

5:45 p.m. Announcement of Recess Tuesday, July 19, 2016 2:00 p.m. Convention convenes

Call to Order; Thwacking, Handcuffing, and Removal of Demonstrators

Color Guard by National Rifle Association Paramilitary Brigade

Emergency medical aid for accidental shooting by Color Guard

Pledge of Allegiance by George Zimmerman

National Anthem by the Fort Wayne Straight Men’s Chorus

Opening Imprecation by Senator David Perdue

Welcoming remarks by RNC Chair Reince Priebus or other speaker TBA

Procedural stuff, yadda yadda

Infomercial Video: “Trumptastic Herbal Male Enhancement”

Parade of Republican Congressional Candidates, in absentia

“ “ “ Senate “ “ “

Roll Call for Nomination, President of the United States

of the United States Floor Scuffle, SWAT Team, Arrests

Roll Call for Nomination, Vice President ​of the United States

Half-Time Show: “Trump On Ice”

Triumphal Entry of President-to-Be Trump, flanked by Trump Praetorian Guard and Former Miss Universes on Elephant Palanquins

Gracious Acceptance Speech by Donald J. Trump

Benediction and Anti-Gay Tirade by the Late Reverend Fred Phelps

11:30 p.m. Adjournment Wednesday, July 20, 2016 6:00 p.m. Convention convenes, Call to order

Presentation of Confederate Colors by the Knights of the Lily-White Camellia

Pledge of Allegiance by Former Governor Sarah Palin w/Teleprompter

National Anthem by a 1952 Recording of Tennessee Ernie Ford

Rambling, Incoherent Invocation by Dr. Ben Carson, MD

Address to the Chair, by Clint Eastwood

Chalk Talk on Nativist Issues by Joe the Plumber

Fanfare and Procession of Trophy Wives

Ceremonial Entry of President-to-Be Donald J. Trump with Future First Lady Melania in Golden Sedan Chairs Borne by Oiled Bodybuilders in Egyptian Garb

Video and Remarks by Melania Trump: "Out of Cleavage, Unity "

" Obsequious Remarks by the Vice-Presidential Nominee

Keynote Address by Future President Donald J. Trump

Donald J. Trump Closing Imprecation and Prophetic Utterances in an Unknown Tongue by Senator Perdue

11:30 p.m. Adjournment Thursday, July 21, 2016 7:00 p.m. Convention convenes, Call to order

Presentation of Colors by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees

by Pledge of Allegiance by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees

National Anthem by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employee[s]

Invocation of Chapter 11 by RNC

Infomercial: “The Exotic World of Trump Mar-A-Lago Resort,” accompanied by “A Medley of Trump Wines and Canapes” served by Governor Chris Christie (NJ) and Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees

Maori War Dance by Governor Christie and Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees

Dance by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees Pre-Season State of the Union Address by Virtual President Donald J. Trump

Benediction by Chaplain, Mar-A-Lago Resort

11:00 p.m. Convention adjourned by Ace Smolinsky, Food & Beverage Manager, Mar-A-Lago Resort