Religion can be a funny thing. Indeed, the difference between different religions, or even different sects within the same religion, can be quite amusing if seen in the right way.

With that in mind, I offer this list of religious light bulb jokes. Please don’t take offense if I seem to be mocking your faith; I try to mock all equally, including myself. And I’m pretty sure even God enjoys a good laugh. So here is my list of religious light bulbs, in alphabetical order by faith (or lack thereof):

Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I’m not sure there’s such a thing as a light bulb, even less whether it can be changed.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They prefer to stay in the dark.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it must have faith, and be fully immersed in light. Sprinkling a little light on it isn’t good enough.

Q: How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb must first let go of all desire.

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If God wants it to change, it will change. By an unchangeable decree, God has predestined some bulbs to eternal light, and others to eternal darkness. This shows forth the glory of God, whose ways are unsearchable.

Q: How many Deists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The bulb will change itself. Just put it in place and walk away.

Q: How many Eastern Orthodox Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There are three lights, each a distinct essence in itself; yet these three are one as regards their substance. The second light is eternally begotten of the first; it is begotten, not made. The third light proceeds from the first; it is neither begotten nor made, but proceeds. If any say that the third light proceeds from the second, let them be anathema.

Q: How many Emergent church pastors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I’m not sure that “change” is the best place to start a spiritual discussion. What’s your experience with light? What has been the predominant paradigm for illumination over the course of your life? If you are open to discussing it, maybe we can meet and talk about it over coffee sometime.

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to put the bulb in place, and two to get drunk enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The only light we need is the Bible, which never changes.

Q: How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light is manifested in a thousand different forms.

Q: How many Jehovah’s witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I see that your light is on. May I come in and talk to you about God?

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The bulb is saved by grace alone, through faith alone. Change is not necessary.

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The light bulb has free will, and must decide for itself if it wants to change. We can encourage it, though, with a nice potluck or bake sale.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is no light but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet.

Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That depends on the bulb’s vibrational frequency. Through meditation, any bulb can rise to higher levels of consciousness, opening the light of the third eye. If all the chakras are in alignment, then the darkness will be transmuted to light. Trust your spirit guides to reveal the specific vibrational frequency and aura of the crown chakra. This will release the light in the highest dimensions, turning matter into pure energy.

Q: How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Light comes from God’s law, which never changes.

Q: How many pagans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We don’t need electric light. All light comes from the Earth herself.

Q: How many pantheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Everything is light.

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven. Three to lay hands on it, and four to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain about how the old bulb was better.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is no need for outward forms of illumination; we all have the Light within.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That depends on the severity of the darkness. Some bulbs go directly into the eternal light; others may be lost in eternal darkness. Most, we may assume, need to grow in the light. If a bulb goes out, we should not assume it is lost, but we should pray for it. Our prayers may hasten the process of restoring it to the light.

Q: How many Satanists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They worship the Dark Lord.

Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What is change?

Q: How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Who are we to say that it needs to be changed? There are many paths to the light, all of which are equally valid. Next Sunday, bring a poem or skit about your chosen path of illumination.

Q: How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends on the strength of the incantation that is used; but we all have the power within us to create either light or darkness.

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to not change the bulb.

(Coming Next: Mark of the Beast? Idolatry and Global Economics)