CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on any domestic flight,” said United Airlines spokesperson Charlie Hobart, citing numerous complaints from customers and employees alike concerning the health and safety risks of blood-splattered tray tables, dogs breaking free of their handlers, and groups of cheering dogfight aficionados blocking the plane’s exit rows. “Originally, our dogfighting policy was meant for guests who needed to relax during their flight by seeing a pit bull ripping out a mastiff’s throat. But as people began to take advantage of the policy, and especially when wagering of airline miles became rampant, we saw a sharp increase in the frequency and size of the dogfights until the average flight would have seven or eight dogs touted in the main event, and enough was enough.” Hobart clarified that United’s policy still allowed limited cockfighting in the plane’s cargo area.

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