So I’ve just listened to the song that the UK is supposedly announcing for Eurovision tomorrow.

this is apparently the leaked uk entry 👀 pic.twitter.com/otapfgpbSR — Lara (@HOOVERPHONlC) February 26, 2020

Musically, it’s whatever. The vocals are on key, there’s a nice big drum, a gospel choir could easily provide backing for it. Whatever.

But the lyrics.

MY GOD THOSE LYRICS IN THAT CHORUS

Here’s what they are:

If we were deep sea divers

And no one came to find us

If you had nothing left

I’d give you my last breath

Is this supposed to be a love song?

Did no one think this through?

Because IF we were deep sea divers, I’m PRETTY SURE that, like, the people we rented our suits from would know our locations because they’d be running a tour and guiding us, right? I mean, unless James Newman is a professional deep sea diver and just does this for fun by himself all the time.

And IF something were to go wrong, I’m also PRETTY SURE that there would be some sort of safety mechanism or tracker or something that would enable you to get help immediately, otherwise there would likely be a lot more deep sea diving deaths. I mean, according to statistics, it’s about 1 scuba diving death for every 1.8 million dives.

But the last two lines of that chorus are what get me the most.

Okay, so let’s say that James Newman is on a dive with his loved one, and both of them have run low on oxygen. Let’s take that farfetched scenario as a given (I mean, has no one thought about the possibility of surfacing? I get that the bends are an option, but still, painful atmospheric pressure sickness is better than death.)

Both their tanks are low, and the tank of his loved one runs out, so James Newman gives them his – which, remember in this scenario, is ALSO close to running out.

What’s the situation in which everyone is left?

Well, James Newman is now dead, because he’s given his tank to the person he’s diving with. And guess what? That person is dead AS WELL because the only thing left in the tank was his last breath.

So what James Newman has effectively done is create a romantic scenario where his loved one has to watch James Newman suffocate in a scuba outfit in front of them and then, in turn, also suffocate to death, except with the image of James Newman dying in front of their eyes imprinted on their brain.

Yes, that’s the LAST thing they’re going to see before they head to their grave.

How is that in any way romantic?

How is this in any way a plausible scenario on which to base a LOVE SONG?

And, most importantly, what does a song about deep-sea diving have to do with a snow-covered forest, unless you are deep sea diving for ice fishermen?

At any rate, if we’ve learned anything from the UK entry, it’s this: Don’t take anyone you love on a deep sea dive. Stick to snorkeling.

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