I can often predict a person’s destiny by his or her appearance. For example, if a regular photograph of you looks exactly like a DUI mug shot, the police will eventually arrest you. Here’s a perfect example:

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=261203>1=7703

I can also tell by your weight whether you are likely to have a job that involves frequent travel on commercial flights. You rarely see obese people flying for business. If you walk down any sidewalk in America, every fourth person is so large he’s keeping an entire village in Pakistan employed just making his pants. But when you board a commercial flight, you rarely see people that large. And if you do, they’re heading to Disneyland.

It’s a similar situation with unusually attractive women. If you see an unusually attractive woman on a commercial flight, she’s either traveling with an unusually attractive lover, or meeting one at the other end. She’s the one touching up her makeup before landing.

People who have bad eyesight when they are kids, including me, rule out all careers that require vigorous physical activity, especially ones involving the outdoors. By the age of eleven I had ruled out football, professional modeling, and the lifeguard arts. I focused my attention on math, and doodling insulting pictures of my peers. I figured one of those two things would pay off.

I also ruled out any profession that involved risking my life to save other people. I ask too many questions for those sorts of jobs. For example, before I rush into a burning building to save someone, I want to know if that person is more deserving of life than me. If not, there’s no point in getting incinerated just to make the world a worse place. Recently I gave a talk to a classroom of 9-year olds. It wasn’t hard to identify the ones who would do a cost-benefit analysis before rushing into the burning building. That shit starts early.

Hair and height are great predictors of future careers. If you’re a guy with a good head of hair, and you’re over 6’4”, you’ll probably have a career in upper management. The universe will also allow you to be an entrepreneur, lawyer, or doctor. You are not allowed to work in a toll booth.

If you’re unusually good looking, you’re not allowed to perform any job that’s unpleasant. The exception is that you can wait tables in a nice restaurant until someone either proposes or offers you a lucrative contract.

Question of the day: Do you look suspiciously similar to other people who have jobs like yours?