Local Fourth Grader Upset After Attempts at "Witchcraft" Fail to Produce Snow

Tessa Morrison, age 9, is frustrated by her snow-spell attempts. Jose Luis Pelaez Inc / Getty

Portland, OR— A local fourth grade elementary school student was shocked and dismayed this morning to discover that her detailed and complicated attempts at casting a "snow spell" did not result in school being canceled.

Tessa Morrison, a fourth grade student at Llewellyn Elementary in Sellwood, fully expected to awake this morning to discover "four-to-six inches of snow on the ground."

"I'm not sure what happened," Morrison said. "I put in the work. I did everything you're supposed to do to make it snow: I put on my pajamas inside-out. I flushed two ice cubes down the toilet. And I slept with a spoon underneath my pillow. According to all my fourth grade class sources, this plan was infallible."

However, certain fourth graders disagreed with Morrison's methodology for making it snow.

"Tessa fucking sucks," according to Trevor Hanson, a 9-year-old who sits across the table from Morrison in Mrs. Wiley's class. "We give her one thing to do... ONE THING... and she fucks it up."

According to Hanson, Morrison made several errors in her snow-conjuring attempts.

"First of all, she should've flushed THREE ice cubes down the john, not two," Hanson said. "Also, the idiot is supposed to wear her pajamas inside-out AND BACKWARD, which she clearly did not do. And did she remember to eat ice cream before going to sleep? Jesus fucking Christ! Why did Mrs. Wiley's class elect her to do this job if she's clearly incapable of carrying it out?"

However, not all of Morrison's classmates agreed with Hanson's assessment of the situation.

"Trevor needs to back the fuck off and leave Tessa alone," said Lily Jacobson-Kruz, a tablemate of both Morrison and Hanson, whose favorite color is purple. "Tessa stayed true to the spirit of the spell, and the ancient texts say NOTHING about wearing pj's backward. And by the way, not all families can afford or eat ice cream, Trevor! If you knew anything about Tessa, you'd know she's lactose intolerant. If there's any problem in Mrs. Wiley's classroom, it's not Tessa's attempts at making it snow—it's Trevor's toxic masculinity."

While Morrison largely agreed with Jacobson-Kruz' description of Trevor, she admits she has more to learn about supernatural meteorological manipulation.

"True, Trevor is an absolute dick," Morrison noted. "However I concede there are multiple schools of thought regarding the casting of snow spells. Some kids swear by shaking a snow globe whenever they pass one, or even 'praying.' That last one is a non-starter for me since I'm an atheist and the concept of god is a social construct."

For their part, Morrison's parents were pleased that Tessa's attempts at making it snow were unsuccessful.

"Tessa is a sweet girl that doesn't seem to realize that family-size packs of Mega-stuffed Oreos don't appear out of thin air," said Tonya Morrison, Tessa's mother. "Her father and I have to WORK for a living, and therefore, we don't have the luxury of lolling about the house watching Good Luck, Charlie on Disney Plus for 10 hours a day. Tessa needs to go to school, graduate, and get a lucrative career that will support her parents when we're suffering dementia and wasting away in an assisted-living facility."

Morrison's non-biological father largely agreed with Tessa's mother, with one caveat.

"IT'S WITCHERY IS WHAT IT IS," yelled Michael Davis, Tessa's step-father who's only been in the family for six months. "Why isn't anyone calling this 'snow spell' stuff what it is? It is WITCHCRAFT, and as we all know WITCHCRAFT leads to lesbianism, socialism, and the ruination of democracy. Flushing ice cubes? Wearing clothes inside-out? What's next? Sacrificing babies? Electing Elizabeth Warren president? THAT'S IT! I don't care what you say, Tonya! You're too soft on that kid! I'm grounding Tessa from playing Roblox for two weeks!"

Portland Public Schools refused to comment on Morrison's attempts to delay or cancel school, but did offer this statement: "Our school system is wildly underfunded, so maybe Tess should focus on changing the minds of Oregonians who refuse to support education with their tax dollars instead of fucking with the weather?"