The Stanley Cup final is here, and many new fans will be tuning in for the first time. But fear not: Sean McIndoe’s handy guide will help you fit in

The Stanley Cup final is here, with the Pittsburgh Penguins facing the San Jose Sharks in a matchup of two highly skilled and entertaining teams. If Monday night’s opening game was any indication, this should be a fun series. And as with all Cup finals, there will be plenty of brand new fans tuning in for the very first time to see the NHL put its best foot forward.

If you’re one of those new fans, have no fear. Hockey can be a confusing sport, especially for newcomers. But if you’re willing to stick with it, you can learn a lot. And you may just find yourself becoming a fan for life.

Stanley Cup finals: the crucial questions as the Penguins take on the Sharks Read more

So the Guardian asked me to put together a guide to welcome new fans to the NHL bandwagon. Read through the handy tips below and pretty soon you’ll be all ready to enjoy all the goals, saves, hits, and even the wacky beard on face of Sharks’ assistant captain Joe Thornton!

[Goes awkwardly quiet. Looks around nervously.]

Are they gone?

OK, all you new fans, huddle up with me real quick. Sorry about that paragraph about the beard. I know it was kind of weird, but I had to get rid of all the diehard hockey fans for a minute. They’ve all rushed off to the comment section to correct me for saying “assistant” captain instead of “alternate”. But they’ll be back soon, so we don’t have much time.

OK, look … are you absolutely sure you want to do this?

Don’t get me wrong. Hockey is an amazing sport. Quite possibly the best there is. But hockey fans … hockey fans can be an interesting group. We have very strong feelings about, well, everything. And we have very specific ways of expressing those feelings. You could think of us as a kind of cult, except that cults can occasionally be reasoned with.

And worst of all, we can be especially tough on newcomers. You’d think we’d be more welcoming, given how much whining we do about hockey’s place in the sports world. We spend a lot of time complaining about how there aren’t enough hockey fans out there, but as soon as some potential new fans appear, we get our backs up. You need to know what you’re getting yourself into here. If you wanted to back out now, everyone would understand.

Really? You’re sure? OK, you’ve been warned. Welcome aboard, and may Wendel have mercy on your soul.

Here are 10 steps to help you fit in as a real hockey fan.

Step 1: Complain about everything

There are two key things you need to know about being a hockey fan. First, we love the NHL. Second, we hate everything about the NHL.

We hate the rules. We hate the way the standings work. We hate the referees, and the Department of Player Safety, and (especially) the commissioner. We hate the players for being boring, and we really hate any player who stops being boring for a few seconds. We hate that nobody scores like Wayne Gretzky did in the 80s. We hated Wayne Gretzky for scoring too much in the 80s.

If you’re going to be a real hockey fan, you’ll need to love the game but believe that everything about it is broken. And that’s only the first half of the equation…

Step 2: Be against every solution

So everything is terrible. Would you like to hear a suggestion for making things better? Hell no, you would not, because you are a hockey fan now and you hate the idea of anything ever changing.

As just one example, NHL scoring rates have been plummeting for over two decades, a trend that we all agree is sucking the excitement out of the sport. In fact, to a diehard hockey fan, there’s only one thing worse: doing literally anything about it. New rules? No. New equipment? No. Making the nets a fraction of an inch bigger? Sure, right after you’re done spitting on the graves of our ancestors, you heretic swine.

It’s the same with everything else that we claim is a problem. The puck over the glass rule is terrible, but any of the alternatives are worse. Same with the new offside review rule. And with how the draft order works. And the fact that the NHL sometimes gives out points for losing. All big problems. None worth ever actually fixing.

Anytime anyone has an idea that might improve things, your job as a hockey fan is to come up with a slightly different idea that you think would improve things even more, and then stab the person who came up with that first idea.

Everything is terrible and nothing should ever change. Drill that into your head, and you’re on the road to true hockey fandom.

Step 3: Forget about that thing I just said about the NHL rewarding teams for losing

You’re a rational person with a functioning brain, so you’re assuming I included that as some sort of humorous exaggeration. I did not. This is a real thing that the NHL actually does. But don’t think about it too much, because it will cause your brain to leak out of your ears into a little puddle under your seat, and that would awful because then you’ll be a Habs fan.

Besides, even if giving out points for losing is ridiculous and embarrassing, do you have a better idea? [Pre-emptively stabs you.] No, I didn’t think you did.

Step 4: It’s all about heart

If you’ve been a fan of other sports, you may be used to discussions about the X’s and O’s. Whether it’s a detailed game plan, analysis of individual player strengths and weaknesses, or the in-depth strategies that go into building a roster, sports fans love to dig deep into the nitty gritty of how teams win.

Hockey fans don’t do that. Hockey fans talk about heart.

This may come as a surprise, but in the NHL, it turns out that each and every game is won by the team that tries the hardest. That’s it. That’s the only factor that determines victory or defeat. It’s not about talent, or strategy, or even getting the bounces. It’s just how hard you try, and how much you want it. Each year, the Stanley Cup is awarded to the team that wanted it most, at which point the other 29 teams spend the rest of the summer trying to find players who will be better at wanting things.

(At this point, you may be wondering what happens if a game features two teams who both want to win in equal measure. It’s simple: the victory is awarded to whichever team can “find a way”.)

You’ll hear terms like heart, grit, and compete level. They all mean the same thing, and can be used interchangeably. Memorize them, and say them all the time. There, now you’re a hockey analyst.

Step 5: Never mention luck

If you ever say the word “luck”, someone else will immediately say “good teams make their own luck”, at which point you will say “that sounds like a meaningless trope”, at which point you will be stabbed.

There is no luck. There is only heart.

Step 6: Be really insecure about anyone liking any other sport

Being a hockey fan means you like the sport, but that’s not enough. You can’t express any admiration for any other sport, recreational activity or pastime. And nobody else should, either. It’s hockey. It can only be hockey.

This is especially true for certain key beliefs that all hockey fans must hold. Hockey players are tougher than any other athletes. Handshake lines are the greatest thing in the world. The Stanley Cup is the hardest trophy to win in all of sports. (No, don’t ask what that last one actually means. Just repeat it. Endlessly.)

Anyone who dares to suggest that there’s anything good about any other sport must be mocked mercilessly. You’ll be expected to participate.

Step 7: Also be really insecure about anyone not liking any other sport

This is a weird one, and it’s only really emerged in recent years. But these days, hockey fans aren’t allowed to criticize any other sport. Doing so will result in somebody responding with “#PleaseLikeMySport”, a generic catch phrase used against anyone caught denigrating any other league or fan base. That’s right, your fellow hockey fans will attack you for expressing a preference for hockey. Look, you had your chance to back out.

To summarize: believe hockey is the greatest sport in the world and everything else is terrible, but never actually say so.

Step 8: Pick a side in the Analytics v Old School debate

Like many sports, hockey is undergoing a statistical revolution, one that’s seen numbers-oriented fans offering up new ways to think about the game. But there’s also still an old school, one that believes that the best way to judge the sport is still with old-fashioned eyeballs and instinct.

And you must pick a side. Seriously, right now. Analytics over there, old school over there. No middle ground. Just pick a side and go. Do it!

OK, this is important. See those people who wound up on the other side? You hate them more than anything. And more importantly, you will never pass up an opportunity to let the world know that. Hockey fans have very strong opinions about analytics, and they are convinced that everyone else wants to hear those opinions at all times. If somebody on the other side expresses a thought that you disagree with, you are honor-bound to spend the next six hours of your life letting the world know about it.

Ideally, you will do this on Twitter. If you don’t have Twitter, getting down on your hands and knees and screaming into a sewer grate will also work.

Step 9: It’s OK to be in love with Henrik Lundqvist a little bit

It’s cool. Nobody’s judging you.

Step 10: Be prepared to fake it

I haven’t had time to tell you everything you need to know. We didn’t get into why it’s mandatory to yell “shooooot!” whenever your team sets up on a powerplay, or how you have to pretend to hate the shootout and fighting even though you don’t, or the whole PK Subban thing, or the difference between tanking and rebuilding. (Hint: Rebuilding is what your team does, tanking is what everyone else does.)

If you’re really going to go through with this, you’ll need to figure out the rest on your own. And it’s important that you get it right, because if longtime hockey fans sniff out your newbie status, they’ll turn on you immediately. Proceed carefully.

But do proceed, because in the end it’s all worth it. Despite all its flaws, hockey really is the best game in the world (#pleaselikemysport), and if you give it a chance you really might become a diehard fan for life.

And if don’t believe me, just wait a few more games. Within a week or two, the final whistle will have sounded and whichever team tried the hardest will be left standing. At that point, the winners will gather at center ice, exhausted but victorious.

And that’s when it will happen. They’ll bring out the Stanley Cup, the oldest trophy in pro sports, a 124-year-old holy grail inscribed with the names of all those who’ve captured it. The winning team’s captain will skate to center ice to accept it on their behalf. It will be the greatest moment of his life, the culmination of everything he and his teammates have worked for since childhood. And as he tries to keep it together, fighting off the memories of all the countless sacrifices made along the way, the commissioner will turn and hand him the Stanley Cup.

At that point, you need to start booing louder than you’ve ever booed before. There. Now you really are a hockey fan.