Crazy Diaper Fetishist: So which one of you guys is changing me and which of you guys is going to beat me off?

Shifty Co-worker: No, this is just a sex thing.

Shifty Co-worker: Oh, we're not your friends.

Me: Well, at least I'm making friends.

Me: I'm sure you do. But just to be clear, you are actively pooping yourself right now, while you're making eye contact with me, aren't you?

Me: Riiiiiiight. You just like shitting yourself.

Me: Oh yeah. I found them. -eyes widen- I somehow suspect everyone's having a better time in there than all the crying would suggest.

Shifty Co-worker: Adult babies and us have a lot of overlap. There are a few of those in a room in the back.

Me: OK, I think I get it. So you guys are just into the diapers. You don't all act like babies.

1 Travel

Finally, for the terminally lonely among you, you might be surprised to learn that traveling is often one of the easiest ways to meet new people. It turns out that when you're traveling, the people you find yourself hanging out with will be, as often as not, other travelers, just as eager to meet new people as you are. Also, because you're always on the move, you'll have the ability to walk away from any disastrous encounter. If you make an ass of yourself, that's OK, because you need never see this person again.

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"So those aren't actually mirror pants? Right, that's me off then."

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And of course, traveling is also useful when creating a new identity for yourself, far away from everyone who knows the things you've done.

An Example:

Me: So what'd you get up to this weekend?

Backpacker: Was up in the Lake District.

Me: That's cool. I love lakes. Well. Just a normal, healthy level of interest in lakes.

Backpacker: Nice one. So what made you decide to go traveling?

Me: Ahh, you know. I had an opportunity to ... abruptly leave home without telling anyone, and kind of jumped on it.

Backpacker: What's that crinkling sound?

Me: That's me. I got excited thinking about the lakes.

Backpacker: Are you wearing a diaper?

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Me: Turns out I couldn't run from everything.

Backpacker: -long open-mouthed stare-

Me: It's totally normal, though. We can still have shared interests, about diaper or non-diaper activities. I don't even need you to beat me off.

Backpacker: -long open-mouthed stare-

Me: You weren't about to offer to beat me off, were you? Before I shot that down?

Backpacker: -long open-mouthed stare- Where were you from again?

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and comes from the Internet. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and admire the massive collection of diaper-clad pictures he's stored there.