LONDON—Expressing surprise upon learning the high price of the commonplace procedure, local British man Roger Hiddleston was reportedly astounded Friday to hear how much it would cost to extract a mustard jar from his rectum under the United States healthcare system. “When a mate of mine mentioned that it could cost hundreds if not thousands of pounds for something as routine as getting a container of Colman’s mustard out of my sphincter, I was flabbergasted,” said Hiddleston, telling reporters that the statistic was a stark example of the prohibitively high cost of medical care in the U.S. “It’s incredible to think that I could spend a week’s pay for something that would take the doctor less than five minutes to fix. And you know this means there must be countless Americans walking around with mustard jars in their anuses, wincing in pain with every step, and they are completely unable to afford help. It’s a bloody disgrace.” Hiddleston added that with the way things were going with the NHS, he could imagine a future where even in the U.K. he could face a hefty medical bill for stuffing objects into his orifices.

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