Next to bleeding and vomiting, pooping is probably the most metal involuntary bodily function there is. Which is why we weren’t all that surprised when a reader recently e-mailed us and asked if we could create the soundtrack to his next dump sesh.

We, of course, were only too happy to oblige.

Check this shit out:

10. Static-X, “Love Dump”

We’re not much for Static-X here at the MetalSucks Mansion, but even we have to admit, this song’s general structure is perfectly suited to dropping a deuce: it’s largely repetitive, gradually increases in intensity, has a lot of screaming, and concludes on a triumphant note. This track may be Wayne Static’s greatest contribution to society.

9. Chimaira, “The Venom Inside”

Few metal songs capture the uncomfortable sensation of trying to hold back a turd as poetically as Chimaira’s “The Venom Inside,” on which vocalist Mark Hunter barks:

I tried to escape

Push it away

Tried to hide

The venom inside

Hey. We’ve all been there.

8. Apoplexy, “ Pounds Of Feces Boiling In My Bowels “

Hey! Someone finally found a good use for Dumb and Dumberer!

7. Domestic Terror, “Pizza Shit”

A relatable topic and a clever pun? They should teach this song in high school poetry classes!

6. 666 Shades of Shit, “Projectile Diarrhea”

This is an especially good song for people with babies. Remember: when changing diapers, always keep your mouth and eyes guarded!

5. Canker, “Big Shit”

This song is as heavy and filthy as its subject matter. Truly one for the ages. Or at least until you flush.

4. Cattle Decapitation, “Humanure”

The only thing holding this song back from being higher on the list is that few of us will ever know what it’s like to shit out the remains of a human being, which makes the lyrics somewhat less relatable. Otherwise, it goes without saying that this is a pooping classic.

3. Brownfilled Human Race, “Fatal Constipation”

For who amongst us has never felt as though he might die if the Ex-Lax didn’t kick in soon???

2. Headcramp, “I Gotta Shit”

Perhaps the only crossover song to ever name drop Metamucil, “I Gotta Shit”‘s moshoriffic pace perfectly duplicates the speed with which one will run for a toilet under the worst of circumstances. An underrated gem.

1. Metallica, “Battery”

We know “St. Anger” might seem like the more obvious Metallichoice, given the whole “You flush it out” bit, but this is clearly the superior song about shitting. Not just musically, either: the metaphor in “Battery” is far more subtle. “Pounding out aggression, turns into obsession, cannot kill the battery!” WHOO! You said it, brother!

What are YOUR favorite metal songs about pooping? Sound off in the comments section below!