Ever since we heard early, feverish reports about the appearance of Dr. Manhattan’s “massive and uncircumcised” wang in Watchmen, we here at Vulture have been anxiously waiting to see how America’s top film critics would address the issue in their official reviews of the film. While we were mildly disappointed that A.O. Scott of the New York Times completely omitted any mentions of it from his review (we can only assume that he wasn’t impressed), Vulture is pleased as punch to report that other big names like Anthony Lane and Roger Ebert have taken the issue head-on (sadly, terrible pun intended). Follow along after the jump to check out the (mildly NSFW) reviews.

• “Last and hugest is Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup), who is buff, buck naked, and blue, like a porn star left overnight in a meat locker.” — Anthony Lane [NYer]

• “Why does he even bother to make love with Laurie Jupiter? Not for his own pleasure, I’m convinced. And not to father a Little Manhattan, either, because as I understand his body he would ejaculate only energy. Could be fun for Laurie, but no precautions needed, except not to be grounded at the time.” — Roger Ebert [Chicago Sun-Times]

• “… Flashing a few yards of giant blue wiener … [Dr. Manhattan’s] interests had turned to physics and Mars despite his giant blue penis.” — Peter Travers [Rolling Stone]

• “[Dr. Manhattan is] a glowing superhero who spends much of his screen time showing off his iridescent blue penis … Snyder battled with studio chiefs to keep the film long, R-rated (earned not only by bone-snapping fights and some torrid superhero sex but by that unforgettable blue penis).” — Geoff Boucher [LAT]

• “Not so Dr. Manhattan, who came by his glowing blue full-frontal nakedness through an industrial accident that forced the defence department to remove its ‘237 days without a scientist irradiated’ sign. He doesn’t show much emotion but is clearly waiting for someone to look at him askance: ‘What, you never seen a cerulean penis before?’” — Chris Knight [National Post]

• “What’s totally distracting about this is that the giant blue guy walks around naked a lot of the time with his impressive blue penis swinging around in front of him. One or two times is OK for a glimpse, but this is in your face a lot, and certainly will make the straight guys uncomfortable and feeling inadequate.” — Mike Szymanski [Bisexuality Examiner]

• “Who’s afraid of the big blue cock / Big blue cock, big blue cock? / Who’s afraid of the big blue cock? / Tra la la la la.” — David Poland [Hot Blog/Movie City News]

• “As was the case with the comic, Dr. Manhattan spends a great deal of the movie naked, and some people in the audience seemed uncomfortable with the view of his blue penis dangling.” — Rich Heldenfels [Akron Beacon-Journal]

• “It looks like a bell clacker.” — Zack Snyder, director of Watchmen [Sci-Fi Wire]

If you see any others that we missed, go right ahead and leave them in the comments!