It's Not You, It's TV

Email? Text message? Facebook status? Please. Everyone uses their queued movies for break-ups nowadays.

All the signs were there in the Instant Queue. Closer. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The First Wives Club. But it isn't until Julie & Julia shows up that you realize it's really over.

Sure, things have been a little strained since she found out about the little mishap when you accidentally fell into another woman's face. The floor was slippery, for Pete's sake! If that nice lady at the bar hadn't caught you with her soft, pouty lips, you might have face-planted right into her incredible cleavage! Was she still so mad about something that happened a whole week ago that she'd add your least favorite movie of all time to her queue?

You press the Home button of the remote of her Roku XD 1080p Streaming Player and check the Netflix channel again. Your heart falls when Meryl Streep's cackling face reappears with Amy Adams checking to see if the Heartache & Misery she's made for you is ready to be served at the bottom of the cover.

You quickly check the various other content channels for some kind of high-quality 1080p reassurance to stream from her wireless Internet connection into her HDTV. All of the stations she's set up on Pandora are named things like "Hit The Road, Jack" and "Single and Free." Amazon Instant Video reveals she stopped watching Waiting To Exhale right after Angela Bassett has set fire to her husband's stuff. Even NASA TV is featuring a satellite floating off into the cold lonely darkness of space, never to return. Which, frankly, is probably just a coincidence, but it still hurts.

When your girlfriend comes out of the shower expecting to find you on the couch, she'll only find a note. "To be honest," it reads, "the floor wasn't really all that slippery."

Back to top