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Rugby League player Keegan Hirst is the first British professional in the code to openly say he is gay.

Respected prop Keegan, 27, reveals the secret torment of dealing with his sexuality while carving out a career in one of the world’s most macho sports.

Speaking exclusively to the Sunday Mirror, the dad of two tells of the moment he finally found the words to explain to his wife the reason they could no longer be together.

And he talks emotionally of the support he got, not only from her but also from his rugby team-mates.

The 6ft 4in captain of West ­Yorkshire side Batley Bulldogs said: “At first I couldn’t even say ‘I’m gay’ in my head, let alone out loud.

“Now I feel like I’m letting out a long breath that I’ve held in for a long time.”

Speaking for the first time about coming to terms with being gay, Keegan adds: “I had a wife and kids. I’ve been a builder, doorman, worked in factories – I play rugby.

“I tick every macho box. How could I be gay? I’m from Batley for goodness sake. No one is gay in Batley.”

And he reveals: “The only time I felt free of the torment was when I stepped on the rugby pitch. Now I feel free.”

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Keegan hopes his decision to be open will help others in the sport who might be fighting with their emotions.

The Yorkshireman, who started his career at Bradford Bulls Academy, said he knew he had to be honest with his wife after he realised she blamed herself for their marriage break-up.

He said: “I finally told my wife I was gay a few weeks ago.

“She blamed herself when we ­separated but I knew she’d done nothing wrong. I couldn’t bear it any more, the guilt of it all, of her not knowing why I left. It was eating me up.

(Image: Andy Stenning)

“I went to her and asked if I could have a word. My stomach was in knots. We sat at the kitchen table and I said, ‘There’s something I need to tell you’.

“I couldn’t get the words out, I felt like I was going to be sick. But I managed to say it.

“She didn’t say anything at first. I explained why and how I felt, it was very emotional. We were both in tears.

“She didn’t ask a lot of questions, but she was supportive. She was totally blind-sided. She’d had

absolutely no idea.

“It was incredibly tough, but for me it was a weird situation because it also felt liberating.”

For now, he says, all they have told their two children, aged seven and two, is that they have split up.

He said: “We haven’t told the kids yet, they’re too young to understand. I’m not sure how I’d explain it.”

Keegan says he first felt he might be gay as a teenager. He said: “I had ­girlfriends on and off, but at about 15, I started feeling attracted to guys too.

“I was having conflicting feelings, but it was something I suppressed. It wasn’t the done thing to admit it.”

(Image: Andy Stenning)

His mum Wendy brought him and his two younger siblings up on a working-class council estate in Batley.

His dad had walked out on him and his mother before Keegan was born.

He started playing rugby at 11, and quit sixth-form college to pursue his rugby dreams, starting on a ­scholarship at Huddersfield before joining ­Bradford Bulls’ under-18 academy.

He said: “By the time I was 18, I was in complete denial, hoping it would go away. It was inconceivable to tell anybody how I was feeling.

"I didn’t have it right in my own head, so how could I tell anybody?

“Society dictates that when you’re a 16-year-old lad you have a girlfriend, you sleep with her and that’s how it is.

“Especially as a rugby player and a lad who grew up on a council estate. You go out, go drinking, carrying on – that’s what you do. I convinced myself, no way could I be gay, it was inconceivable.”

He was working as a doorman when he met the girl he was later to marry, who then worked behind the bar.

They began dating when he was 19, and had a daughter together a year later. They wed in Wakefield in November 2011, and their son was born in 2012.

(Image: Andy Stenning)

Keegan said: “The day I married her I thought I was going to be with her for the rest of my life. I loved her and was glad I was marrying her.” But his turmoil was playing havoc with his home life.

He said: “I was playing matches on a Sunday and then I’d go out and get in some ridiculous states. I was drinking anything and everything, pints, shots.

“I was drinking 20 pints plus every time. I’d roll in at 5.30 on a Monday and have to be up for work at six.

“My wife would ask why was I out till all hours, who was I with, what was I doing, where had I been?

"Sometimes I couldn’t answer because I just couldn’t remember – but I do know I was always faithful, I’ve never cheated on her.

“It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy with her, it was that I wasn’t happy with myself.”

He adds: “I feel bad for what I’ve put her through, but hopefully it’s a case of better late than never.

“She’s got the chance now to get on with her life, to find someone new to be happy with. She deserves that.”

At his lowest, Keegan says, he considered taking his own life. “On the worst days I’d think, ‘I can’t do this, I’d rather be dead than for it all to come out.’

(Image: KT8PHOTOGRAPHY)

“I never got as far as actually tying a noose or having tablets in my hand. But I thought how I would do it, where I would do it, when I would do it.

"Thankfully I have friends and family I love and was able to talk myself out of it.”

After years of battling his feelings Keegan finally started to come to terms with his sexuality earlier this year.

He says: “One day, a few months ago, I just thought, ‘You know what? Actually, this is who I am. I’m gay. I felt I could finally be honest with myself.

“I haven’t been out as a gay guy on the pull yet, so that’ll be a new experience. I don’t know yet how these things work.”

Keegan has played 199 professional games for Batley, Featherstone and Dewsbury, including two Grand Finals. Find out more about him in our Keegan Hirst profile.

On Sunday, he will play his first match as an openly gay professional rugby player, when he captains his team against local rivals Dewsbury.

He knows he may be the target of taunts from opposition fans and players, but says he can handle any abuse.

(Image: Andy Stenning)

He said: “I’m comfortable in my own skin, probably for the first time ever.

“I’m not withholding anything and there’s not that sense of dread. I suppose the stereotype of a rugby player is, you’re supposed to be tough, you’re supposed to be macho.

"I thought I’d be disowned by friends and family but I haven’t been.

“People keep saying I’m brave – I don’t feel brave. I’m just talking about me.

There might be other players in the same position I was. If there are I’d tell them to just be honest with themselves.

“The support from my team-mates and other rugby league players has really surprised me, it’s all been positive.

“These are tough blokes. We go out on the field together and it’s 26 blokes knocking seven shades out of each other.

“But on the other side of it, you go through blood, sweat and tears together – and they’ve been there for me when I needed them most.”

Rugby still has almost no openly gay professionals. Welsh Rugby Union star Gareth Thomas came out in December 2009, aged 35. He switched to Rugby League the following year.

In 1995, Australian Rugby League player Ian Roberts, then aged 30, became the first high-profile player in the world to publicly reveal he was gay.

Meanwhile, American Football lineman Michael Sam, 25 - the first gay player to win an NFL place after coming out in 2014 - said yesterday he is quitting the sport because of the "difficult year".

In February 2013 former Leeds United footballer Robbie Rogers announced he was gay - and he remains the only openly gay professional footballer playing.

A year later former Germany international Thomas Hitzlsperger became the first Premier League player to reveal he was gay. He waited until after his retirement, claiming it would have been impossible to come out while he was still playing.

But the recent increase in the number of sportsmen coming out suggests the perceived taboo is gradually being broken down - and Keegan's honesty is another step on that journey.

For confidential support on suicide matters call the Samaritans on 08547 90 90 90 or visit a local Samaritans branch see www.samaritans.org for more details.