Yesterday, while I was chatting with my girlfriend, she says, out of the blue, “So what’s your favorite superhero?” I had no idea what for. It turns out she was reading an online Cosmo article called What His Favorite Superhero Reveals. After she forwarded me a link, I browsed the article and came to the conclusion that the writer, Christie Griffin, was writing an article that was way out of her league. It was a very amateurish understanding of pop psychology and a very tenuous grasp on superheroes.

Not that I blame her. I’m guessing she drew the short straw, while her co-workers got to write “8 Ways to Make A Man Notice Your Facelift” or “12 Secrets to a Newer You.” I can imagine her boss trying to cheer her up. “This article’s going to be boffo! Superheroes are the hot thing! You’re going to make this magazine Megabucks! MEGABUCKS!”

So, yeah, it’s a puff piece. But I’m going to help out Christie with her mission anyways: to educate female readers the mysteries of their man based on their favorite heroes!

Who he worships: Superman

What it reveals: Your man is not really into superheroes in the first place. He was totally caught off guard by your question. He probably just waved his hand and just half-heartedly said, “Um… Superman,” didn’t he? Anyway, that’s not a bad sign. He’s probably into far more manly things than some adolescent power fantasy. It probably means he’s handy around the house. Either that or he spends his days with a cold one in his hands and watching college football all day.

Who he worships: Batman

What it reveals: This is a tricky one. If your man is into the Adam West 60’s Batman, chances are your man is a funny, if corny, guy. He probably lies to collect kitsch antiques and Transformers and other junk. Be careful: his house is likely to be messy and stinking of modeling paint. If your man is into the post-Dark Knight Returns Batman, he’s probably a bit of a metrosexual. Batman is like the James Bond of the superhero set: sauve, mysterious, and into the color black. Ms. Griffin is on the spot at this analysis by the way: Batman fans usually are loners. But aren’t most superhero fans?

Who he worships: Spider-Man

What it reveals: Your man is likely to be a generally pleasant guy. He admires Spider-Man because of his somewhat carefree attitude. Spidey is always pulling some crazy stunts, like swinging from building to building and rattling off snarky one-liners. Your man is also the kind to settle down. Untle recently, the Peter Parker-Mary Jane dynamic was the most stable marriage in all of comic books. (Damn you, Joe Quesada!) He’s friendly, down to earth, and ready to watch a chick-flick DVD with you even though you know that he really doesn’t care for Steel Magnolias.

Who he worships: Iron Man

What it reveals: The guy’s all about the bling-bling, baby. He fitted his car with gold spinners even though he doesn’t have the money, didn’t he? Probably drives an Escalade, too. This guy is boisterous and isn’t shy about flashing off his gaudy jewelry. When you ride in his car, he’s got the bass cranked up to the max. There’s also a good chance that your man is really Ghostface Killah. Score!

Who he worships: Aquaman

What it reveals: Your man is a liar. No one loves Aquaman.

Who he worships: Sandman/Morpheus

What it reveals: Your man likes to be nonconformist, so he mentions a character that barely qualifies to be a superhero. Also, he’s a sensitive soul. He likes to read a lot of dark fantasy written by Michael Moorcock or H.P. Lovercraft. He is a huge fan of indie music. He might have a DeviantArt account somewhere. Also, he’s probably under 25. You might want to know this is you’re uncertain of his age, since his face is coated with foundation and all.

Who he worships: Green Arrow

What it reveals: Green Arrow is a minor DC character, so it shows that your man has an appreciation for the underdog. Arrow is also very opinionated on several matters, including social and political. While your man might strike others as brash, he’s really very idealistic and has strong beliefs. Be patient with him when he rails against either the liberal media or America’s growing imperialism.

Who he worships: Wolverine

What it reveals: You’d think you should be afraid of a guy who likes Logan, but you shouldn’t. Frankly, Logan’s been portrayed as a grumpy guy with a heart of gold as of late. Your man is a bit standoffish, and he may be a little coarse sometimes, but that what you love about him. You know that smoldering under that gruff exterior, he’s a loyal man and an excellent lover. Hey, I just realized Wolverine is comicdom’s Mr. Darcy! How about that.

Who he worships: Rob Liefeld’s Bloodwulf

What it reveals: Your boyfriend is a serial killer. Get away from him AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.