2017 is nigh upon us, and the Emperor has returned just in time to impart wisdom on all things New Years. So put on your dumb party hat and prepare thine resolution, because Sheev Palpatine is holding court with the best advice in the galaxy!

Sheev,

Who is Vader’s manservant? Does he become Snoke? Is he a clone or just a member of your hair & makeup team?

Thanks, Paco the trumpeter

Papa Trump,

That was Vaneé. No, he does not become Snoke. Per canon, Snoke is the last name of Darth Plagueis the Wise and the Snoke seen in Episode VII is my master’s biological son. Vaneé is not a clone, however, he does do hair and makeup for me and my entourage, which includes Lord Vader.

Lord Sidious, please help!

What is the best cure for a hangover? I’m going out partying on New Year’s Eve but I don’t want my mom to know I was out drinking since I’m still underage. What did you do at this stage in your life?

Thanks, Darth Bud the Wiser

Darth Bud,

You are a Sith Lord I have not heard of. Perhaps your training is not complete as you should know how to best a hangover seeing that you’re a Dark Lord of the Sith. I will remind you; you must consume 2 quarts of blue milk and a single raw Gungan egg immediately following your alcoholic beverages. Only then will you be able to pull the wool over your mother’s eyes. This should work unless you’re lactose intolerant, if that’s the case you’re Sith outta luck.

dear sheev,

can the bogalit read the mind of a master manipulator such as yourself?

-seesaw g.

Saw,

Your petty Bor Gullet is nothing compared to the power of the Force!

Hey Sheev,

How do I go in for a kiss at midnight? And who exactly do you kiss at midnight, Sheev?

-Hopeful lips

Flaming Lips,

The moment the Death Star-looking ball drops, plant a good one on the person of your choice. It can be anyone, you don’t even need to know them. DO IT! Also, make sure the one you kiss is not your sibling.

As for the second part of your question, the Sith Rule of Two decrees that you may only kiss your master or apprentice on New Year’s, so it looks like Lord Vader will be getting a kiss from me again his year. The fool doesn’t even pucker his lips.

Dear Sheev,

Are deathtroopers into the Grateful Dead at all?

-Ben & Jerry

Tom & Jerry,

The deathtroopers are not into the Grateful Dead. However, they do enjoy deadmau5.

Sheev,

My resolution involves losing some wight and eating healthier… do you have any advice on how I can stick to my resolution or any tips on dieting?

Thanks, Gregg

Grunberg!

You must lay off the Grunburgers! I know they are your favorite but those things go right to your thighs! How will you ever fit into your X-Wing cockpit if that is the case? You may need to invest in some Slimfast and regularly visit the planet Fitness.

Dear Emperor Sheev,

Do you wear a codpiece under the robe?

-Cock Robin

Robin,

Yes I do. All Sith lords wear codpieces. The best codpieces.

Greetings Emperor,

I hate the gifts I got for the holidays, and the Shmoes didn’t include a gift receipt! Any tips on how I can return or exchange these bum gifts without any hassles?

Forever in your debt, Kay Martin

Rise K-Mart.

You must perform a Force mind trick on the simple-minded cashier at the establishment you wish to receive cash back or giftcards from. Make sure you perform the mind trick correctly or you will look like a douchebag waving your hand around in the middle of Target.

Dear Sheev,

How come you never wore a cape like Director Krennic?

Clark K.

E. Clarke,

Capes and capelets are for lesser Sith lords. The master must always wear full robes, not. A. Mere. Cape.

Kon’nichiwa Sheev!

My parents and I are visiting New York City for the first time and we have never seen the ball drop. Any advice on how best to prepare for the occasion? They lived through the Hiroshima bombings and I’m scared it may freak them out!

Masahiro Sakurai

Mashed-potato Samurai,

Have them watch Rogue One to witness the power of the Death Star! However, this will not solve your problem, rather it would make it worse.

Dear Sheev,

2016 was pretty huge for me as a Star Wars fan what with Rogue One finally delivering on the promise of the original trilogy (suck it JJ). Looking back, what was your highlight of the year?

-Stuck in 1977

Seventy-Seven,

Rogue One was a disappointment as we finally saw how those rebels got away with the Death Star plans. However, now I will be able to safeguard the Death Star II plans better than before. Besides that, the highlight of my year has to be going to the spa on my homeworld of Naboo thanks to the gift certificate Lord Vader got me for Life Day.

Hello Sheev,

I was born on midnight thirty five year’s ago and my hippy parents named me Nu. What do you think parents should name New Year’s babies this year?

N. Yeer

Baby New Year,

Clearly all parents should name their children after me, Emperor Sheev Palpatine. You however are a poor, unfortunate soul. How did you manage to go through childhood with a name like Nu? You must be filled with rage. Yes, feel your anger rise up inside you. Now take your lightsaber-room-light and the rest of your belongings, and move out of your parent’s basement. It is time for Nu to become Darth Nuclear.

That rounds up the best questions sent in for our Ask Sheev: New Year’s edition. Palpatine also insisted we let readers know that he had nothing to do with how crappy 2016 turned out. Lord Sidious would like us to point out that he didn’t even appear in Rogue One because he has been way too busy secretly pulling strings for president-elect Donald Trump. According to Sheev, “2017 is going to be lit.”

Happy New Year from your friends at FakingStarWars.net!