Thoughts and prayers for capitalism, please. It is doing its best, it really is, but nobody loves it any more. Poll after poll shows that young people in the west are disillusioned with the prevailing economic system. And pundit after pundit is forecasting the end of capitalism as we know it.

Enter Ken Langone, an 82-year-old billionaire, whose mission it is to make young people appreciate capitalism again. I know, weird, isn’t it? A billionaire who loves capitalism! Who would have thought? Anyway, Langone loves capitalism so much that he has written a book called I Love Capitalism!, which comes out next week – shortly after the 200th anniversary of Karl Marx’s birth. And you know what? I can’t wait to buy Langone’s celebration of capital on the FREE MARKET. (Sorry for getting all shouty, I just really love capitalism.)

Langone was inspired to write his oeuvre after witnessing young Americans’ support for Bernie Sanders during the 2016 presidential campaign. According to the Wall Street Journal, it troubled Langone that so many millennials thought the US “should be headed toward something that … resembles socialism: guaranteed income. Free college tuition. Single-payer healthcare.” Truly, the idea of graduating debt-free and not having to worry about being bankrupted by medical bills is borderline dystopic. No wonder Langone, the co-founder of Home Depot, was so upset. Free healthcare has no place in the DIY American dream.

The idea of graduating debt-free and not having to worry about being bankrupted by medical bills is borderline dystopic

Please don’t think I am being snarky. Capitalism is facing challenges. Studies show that millennials in the US and the UK are the first generation in modern memory who will be worse off than their parents. Meanwhile, the average American worker has less time off than a medieval peasant; one in three UK millennials will never be able to own their own home; and the world’s richest 1% are on track to own two-thirds of the world’s wealth by 2030. There are lots of statistics like these; there is an abundance of data that suggests capitalism is benefiting the few and letting down the many.

Ultimately, though, capitalism deserves to be loved. Far from enriching a few lucky individuals, it enriches the world. If you don’t believe me, look up the Wikipedia entries for the wealthiest people on the planet. The first sentences of these hagiographies usually include the word “philanthropist”. For example: “Jeffrey Preston Bezos is an American technology entrepreneur, investor and philanthropist … William Henry Gates III is an American business magnate, investor, author, philanthropist … Mark Zuckerberg is an American technology entrepreneur and philanthropist ...” Capitalism lets entrepreneurs pay as little tax as possible – then donate some of their billions towards humankind and style themselves as philanthropists.

Forget all the do-gooding, though. The best thing about capitalism is the cool stuff it produces. For example, gold chicken wings! Yes, thanks to Instagram capitalism, while most of the world is starving, the rest of it is eating gold. In Manhattan, you can buy chicken dipped in 24-carat gold. In Melbourne, you can buy burgers in gold buns. In London, you can buy pizza with sprinklings of gold flakes. Some people may see the trend for edible gold as disgusting evidence of the excesses of capitalism, but I view it as a canny survival tactic by the bourgeoisie. After all, the poor are going to think twice about eating the rich when doing so carries the risk of heavy metal poisoning.

Melania and me: why geniuses need to stick together

Facebook Twitter Pinterest A certified genius ... Melania Trump. Photograph: Win McNamee/Getty Images

Poor Melania Trump. Everyone is making fun of the first lady for her new BE BEST initiative, which promotes children’s wellbeing. The all-caps campaign is being accused of plagiarism and being ridiculed for its creative approach to grammar. The internet is full of BE BEST memes and the first lady is being treated like THE STUPIDEST.

This maligning of Melania is unfair, because the woman isn’t an idiot; she is a genius. And not a self-proclaimed “very stable genius”, like her husband. She is a certified genius. In 2001, Melania, a Slovenian citizen, was granted permanent residence in the US under the EB-1 green card programme. Known colloquially as the “Einstein” or “genius” visa, the EB-1 is reserved for immigrants with “extraordinary ability”.

Since Melania shot to prominence as the president’s wife, there has been widespread speculation about how she qualified for such a visa. After all, when the green card was granted, Melania Knauss was best known for modelling. Her biggest job was a shoot for the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, where she was featured hugging an inflatable killer whale. Was that really extraordinary?

I am going to argue that yes, it was. You see, while I am normally no fan of Melania, we geniuses have to stick together. A few years ago, I was also granted a “genius” green card. I didn’t hug an inflatable killer whale for Sports Illustrated to get it. I just spent a lot of money on a good lawyer who knew how to play the system (legally). That is the thing about immigration systems. They are not abused by poor refugees, much as conservatives may like to pretend they are. No, they are gamed by the privileged. They have never been about merit; they have always been about money.

How John Oliver gave his name to koala chlamydia

In marsupial news, the comedian John Oliver now has a koala chlamydia ward named after him. The actor Russell Crowe bestowed this dubious distinction on Oliver – payback for the comedian donating to an Alaskan Blockbuster store a jockstrap once owned by Crowe. Oliver isn’t the first celebrity to be immortalised ignominiously. There is a landfill in New Zealand named after John Cleese. A water beetle in Malaysia is named after Leonardo DiCaprio. Barack Obama has many gross things named after him – including Aptostichus barackobamai, a trapdoor spider, and Obamadon gracilis, an extinct lizard. Thanks, Obama!