



Orlo Kinney could make a pizza that tasted just like Domino’s. His hoagie looked just like Cap’n Frank’s. And on fried chicken night, you would swear you had one of the Colonel’s breasts in your mouth.

“It’s a gift,” he told his friends, when he spoke of his talent for replicating the recipes of famous fast food dishes. He enjoyed his hobby to its fullest. But last Monday it took a tragic turn. While trying to replicate McDonald’s double-cheeseburger, Orlo Kinney’s house exploded. He wasn’t injured, though he was killed.

“I knew he was tinkering with the double-cheeseburger,” said friend Ira Bausch. “I told him, ‘Slow down, cowboy. People spend years at hamburger college before they tackle McDonald’s recipes. You’re good, but God you ain’t’.”

Kinney was especially fond of onions, and Bausch believes it might have been a skewed ketchup-to-onion ratio that triggered the explosion. “He was always pushing the hamburger envelope. It was only a matter of time before the hamburger pushed back.”

We’ll gather at St. Michael’s church on Saturday to say goodbye to Orlo Kinney, a true Chrislip original. He was very good at what he did, except for that last thing. And when we gape at his remains in his coffin, we will all be thinking the same thing:

“Well done.”