The ongoing UK drug problem will now completely disappear as Fabric this morning had its licence revoked indefinitely, claimed Sir Jimmy Abreak, the UK’s leading expert on what not to do to get results.

“Now that Fabric is shut, anybody that would have been inside the venue will no doubt be at home in bed, tucked up safe. We’ve removed the threat of illegal drugs from their lives, so we can be safe in the knowledge that they will never again be exposed to unregulated narcotics or have to come in contact with the drug-dealing criminal underworld.”

“Should they feel the need to let their hair down at any point in their lives, they have the option to head down to their local bar where we are more than happy for them to fill their bodies with fully legal and taxable alcohol and as many cigarettes as they can fit into their mouth at any one time! After all, cigarettes and alcohol have never killed anyone, and even if they did, they are far too profitable to bother worrying about.”

“If only there were a way that drugs like Ecstasy were not the devil’s spawn, we could start to consider regulating them in some form, like we do with booze and fags, maybe even taking them out of the hands of the criminals, making them a taxable product, and who knows, maybe even doing our best to make them safe and to ensure they weren’t filled with all sorts of dangerous junk that cause innocent clubbers to lose their lives.”

“But I’m pretty sure that closing Fabric will be much more effective than all that nonsense”