by Cate

I heard that my ward was having a “Women’s Conference” on an upcoming Sunday and that the Bishop would be speaking to the women for Relief Society and then also for an hour after church for those who wanted to stay. The Bishop’s “lessons” (I put that in quotes because they are more like lectures than lessons; him talking the entire time, sharing his PowerPoint presentations, allowing little or no time for any feedback) in the past have been…interesting and I’d heard that he had something “special” planned and didn’t want to miss it.

I feel like despite our differences, I’ve always given the guy the benefit of the doubt. We have had long conversations about my eternal welfare and my beliefs/non-beliefs and it is no secret that we don’t agree on a large number of very important issues. Actually, in the past I have even commended him for being “gutsy” enough to talk about controversial subjects in church, even though in large part I disagree with the WAY he talks about them. “At least he is trying.” I’ve thought. “At least he has good intentions.” These are the things I’ve said to myself as I’ve sat through his various combined 5th Sunday lessons.

About a year ago, the bishop gave a lesson during Relief Society to all the women in the ward. There had even been a cutesy little mailer that had been sent out to all the women a few weeks before hand preparing them to “Come and learn the Key to a Happy Marriage”. The men took over all the women’s duties for the 3rd hour and we were shoved into the Relief Society room to hear his inspired message. I was hopeful. After all, I am married. I love my husband. Things were good but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to gain some new “secret knowledge” that could make things even better. And even though I didn’t always see eye to eye with the bishop, I still held on to the idea that he was being “inspired by God” and was leading the ward accordingly. So, yeah, I was probably cautiously optimistic sitting there on the blue upholstered folding chair, staring up at a big screen and the smiling bishop, waiting for his “special presentation”.

The room quieted down, and he began. First with the disclaimer: “I’ve thought and prayed a lot about this and debated whether I was going to give this lesson or not for quite some time….” “After much consideration I decided it needs to be done and I do this only out of love, concern, and inspiration…” Up pops the first slide in his PowerPoint presentation. “Happiness in Marriage: The Very Key”. After a few minutes of explanation and a quote or two from a G.A. he throws up the next slide:

“Understanding the Male Sex Drive”.

(You can already probably see where this is going…).

Red flags pop up in my mind left and right. I can’t help but mesh those first two sides together to form “Happiness in Marriage: The Very Key [is] Understanding the Male Sex Drive”. I’d been duped. This is NOT the “secret knowledge” I had hoped for. What ensued was an hour long presentation that I can basically sum up in one sentence.



Good Mormon women have regular sex with their husbands in order to keep their marriages “happy” and keep their husbands from sin.

I was hurting and I couldn’t place why. I felt sick to my stomach and was upset at myself for being so upset. Obviously I must not be a “good Mormon woman” if I was experiencing this very negative knee jerk reaction to the lesson that had just been given. He ended with passing out books (“And They Were Not Ashamed” by Laura Brotherson) to all the women (complete with Buckees sacks to hide them from our children until we got home and could find a secret place to stash them). I walked, zombie like to the car, my mind racing. My husband loaded the kids into the car and shut the door. He looked at me and asked, “How was the meeting?”. I just started bawling! I tried to explain what had made me so upset but the words were unintelligible. Later when I’d calmed down I thought back through the lesson and tried to pin point the issues that were causing me such distress. There were several. I’ll get to them more specifically in a minute.

A year has gone by and I’ve learned that there had been some controversy surrounding the bishop’s “Sex Talk” (as it had properly been renamed). Several women in surrounding wards had heard of his presentation and were curious. Also, there had been many new families who had moved into the ward who heard through the grapevine about the lesson. A few weeks ago, I received an email from the Relief Society stating that due to so much interest in this lesson, the bishop would be giving an “encore presentation” on a coming Sunday for any of those who would either like to hear it again or who hadn’t heard it the first time. They called it “Women’s Conference”. The bishop was to give a lesson to all the women for 3rd hour and then was going to be giving the infamous “Sex Talk” directly after church for anyone who’d like to stay. There was going to be a lunch and we were encouraged to invite friends if they were interested.

Upon receiving this email, I decided to email the bishop with some of my thoughts and suggestions for his “encore presentation”. I politely told him that I respected his courage and candidness but that some of the things he presented in the last talk could be worded differently to be less damaging to some of the sisters. I sent him several links to podcasts about female sexuality with Mormon therapists Jennifer Finlason-Fife and Natasha Helfer-Parker. I also attached some articles that I thought he might want to take a look at to help broaden his perspective. I was hopeful that he would be open to some constructive criticism and suggestions, especially if his motives were truly to love and support the women’s best interests.

I went to the conference, preparing to take copious notes so that I could be sure to relay the lessons back to my husband and feminist friends as accurately as possible. Unfortunately, a year’s time had passed and with it a year’s worth of sitting through lessons by the bishop so THIS time, I must say, I wasn’t nearly as optimistic. But, there was still this glimmer, this last thread in the back of my mind, that sincerely hoped that I would leave being able to cling to some uplifting message, some nugget of truth.

Sitting through the First Session (or 3rd hour lesson) of “Women’s Conference” quickly became excruciating. Any hopes I had of having a decent experience were extinguished by the bishop’s anti-feminist, fear inducing words. Maybe that will have to be a post for another day. It was appalling. And I was devastated. And I hadn’t even gotten to the “Sex Talk” yet! My positivity was waning.

After a bathroom break, a long drink of water, and an internal motivational speech to myself, I made my way back into the room for the grand finale. The “encore presentation”. My mother-in-law had met me to listen to this lesson since she is from a neighboring stake and had heard about it and was curious. We sat at the table, lunch was placed before me. I was too sick to my stomach to really eat. I got to a fresh page in my note book, took a deep breath, put my pen to my paper, and it began.

I hoped that he had revised his lesson after receiving feedback from the women. It was obvious to me he had not. I mean, I’m sure a few things were taken out, and definitely several things were added, but still the message was clear: Good Mormon women have regular sex with their husbands in order to keep their marriages “happy” and keep their husbands from sin.

The only thing keeping me in my seat was my determination to write down every word and copy every slide. I didn’t get EVERY word but I did my best to paraphrase accurately. I did type up ALL of my notes and some of my thoughts about them to share with my online feminists friends, but for this post, I will only go through a few of the points in his lesson:

**Point 1: Understanding the Male Sex Drive

(Understanding Why Men NEED Sex and Women Don’t)

-Why do you need to understand the male sex drive? Knowledge is power. The glory of God is intelligence. He explains that ignorance leads to misery, particularly in sexual matters.

New slide and in bold: Male sex drive is…

-from God

-biologically planted from our Heavenly Father

-it is constant and recurrent

-it is instinctive

He gives a couple Packer quotes, one about how “…men were given their sexual desires to continue the creative power (I’m completely paraphrasing). It is strong and constant in order to create a binding tie to their families so their families can be provided for and sustained…”.

(So basically, God made men’s sex drives strong so that they’d need to keep coming back for more from their wives. This way, the irresponsible men will be inclined to stick around and provide for their kids.???!!!)

**Point 2: Good Men Still Need Sex

(Good Mormon Men are TRAINED but Still Want Sex)

Next he puts up this big picture of a line of german shepherds at a police academy. In front of this line of dogs walks this little cat and it is obvious that all the dogs want to do is pounce on the poor thing. Everyone giggles at what this picture is suggesting and he continues on with his message. “This is a stupid cat. Luckily these dogs are so well trained that they can fight against even their deepest genetic desires and stay in line.” “But,” he said, “Just because they are keeping formation doesn’t me they don’t REALLY want that cat. Trained dogs STILL look at cats.”

(So men, you are dogs. And if you are trained well enough, you will stay in line. But you still won’t be able to help wanting that cat. And women, you’re men, even trained men, still want other cats. Now does everyone feel nice and good about themselves? Great. Lets push on then.)

Since it is becoming clear that this is the main message of this lesson, he continues to reiterate this point time and time again throughout the remaining slides. “Most men don’t resist these urges at the level that your husbands do. They’re doing their best to restrain.” He tells us. “The cat is temptation.”

**Point 3: Mormon Men v.s. Men of the World

(Your Husbands Only Get YOU When the Men of the World Get MORE)

Next slide.

(This is probably my favorite one. *Note sarcasm*).

Three numbers appear:

-20,000

-12,000

-3,000

“Does anyone know what these numbers represent?” He asks the class. Heads shake “no” and he continues. “The 20,000 is the number of women that Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have had sex with in his lifetime. 12,000 is the number of women Warren Beatty had sex with. 3,000 are the number Gene Simmons is purported to have slept with.” Disbelief and dismay goes through the room in a wave.

(What the HECK is your point guy?!)

He goes on, “Men want sex. Good men restrain themselves, but they still want sex. They strive to bridle their passions but they can only control, not eliminate this desire.”

**Point 3: Don’t Take Offense

(Wise Women Understand They Need to Put Out…or Someone Else Will)

He lists a ton of scriptures stating that God wants married couples to have good, frequent sex and that this is a power for good to bring couples together. He then reminds us that, “…there are women who WILL take your husband’s…” and Solomon says, “…be ravished with your wife…” he goes on to add that if you won’t be ravished with him, a stranger will.

(I’m so exhausted by this point; the angry in me is turning into more of a begging-to-stop.)

He makes sure we understand that “Wise women will understand this fact and not take offence.”

(“No offence” is probably one of the most ridiculous types of manipulation. Like, here, let me say something to you that is completely meant to be offensive but you can’t get mad about it because I said “No offence”.)

**Point 4: Young Men Look Forward to Sex With Their Wives

(Willing Wives are Young Men’s Reward for Good Behavior)

He tells the women that all through young men’s lives there is a drumbeat going on in their heads that says: “When I get married I can have sex…when I get married I can have sex…when I get married I can have sex…” “I just need to hold on until a beautiful wife lets me.”

(O…K…)

He tells us how often times the deprived spouse is loathing the thought of eternity with his wife. The deprived spouse takes the sexual rejection as a personal rejection and becomes resentful. And the deprived spouse is more tempted when he is deprived.

He reiterates again that “Mormon men look forward to marriage and having sex.”

He tells a story about a sex starved husband who feels duped because his wife was loving and affectionate before marriage but after marriage she “pulled a bait and switch”. He gives another Kimball quote on divorces happening in large part because of sexual problems.

**Point 5: The Spouse With the Need Trumps the Spouse Without It

(Seriously…that was the title of this slide. No snarky interpretation needed on this one.)

The bishop states, “The person who has the need TRUMPS the person who doesn’t.”

The bishop plays audio clips from a radio show hosted by marriage therapists: (paraphrasing) “Should a woman fake it? Hmmm. Well the very best thing is when a SHE desires him, when she initiates sex. Second best, and a very close second, is when she gives a good reception to his initiation. The point is THE DEED GETS DONE. Don’t worry about WANTING to. Just BEGIN. Get over the inertia…” Then the talk show hosts give several (terrible) analogies about work; “No one wants to go to work, but once they get their they feel better and they can be proud that they got the job done…” (blah blah blah), and exercising

(same thing, no one wants to start but the benefits outweigh the costs…).

Then the bishop feels he needs to add his own analogy (terrible) and tells us all to imagine that our husbands were diagnosed with kidney disease and that the only way to save them was to drive them to dialysis two or three times a week. Wouldn’t we do it? To save his life, of course we would. It is the same with sex.

He also gives another analogy (terrible) about a woman who doesn’t necessarily like to eat (crazy lady!) but she became a master chef. When asked why she cooked so much she replied, “Well, my husband likes to eat good food. And I don’t want him going anywhere else to get it.”

(Once again reiterating that if women don’t put out, their husbands will find it somewhere else.)

Back to the audio: “What about women who have a stronger sex drive than their husbands? Hmmm. Well this is tricky. Common, but tricky. Because now you are asking the man to eat AND cook. You need to find a way for your husband to satisfy you. What gets him going? What pumps up his testosterone? Conflict? Then start a fight! Do what you can to get him in the mood.”

(Of course, it’s still a woman’s job even when she’s the horny one, but for him, it’s never his job really. Why would it be?)

**Point 6: The Temptation is Great

(Women Aren’t Responsible for Their Husband’s Sin…Oh Wait…They Kinda Are)

He ends his presentation by stating, “The world through their jigalows and whores have hijacked sex. We need to take it back.” He also adds that as far as porn use and addiction and infidelity goes, he doesn’t want to “pin” that all on the wives or make them feel responsible (Oh really? Huh.), but he points out “Don’t you want to be able to say, “My hands are clean.” if ever something like that happens to your marriage?”

(As if to say, do all you can to prevent your husbands from being dogs and THEN you won’t be blamed for it. But only if you had sex with them at least 3 times a week. If you missed a day, than yeah, it’s your fault.)

He wraps up his comments by reiterating, “All he wants is you. And all he can ever have is you. Don’t resent that he wants you.”

(Way to end on a high note bish.)

**************************************************************

There was so much more to this lesson, but I tried to choose his main points for this post. To his credit, he DID talk a little bit about changing the way we talk about sex to our young women (i.e. No more smashed cupcake lessons). He also quickly ran through the “Good Girl Syndrome” and advised the women to seek counseling through books or with a therapist if they had this problem (the problem of feeling like sex is too dirty to participate in). I wish I could say that most of his lesson was good, insightful messages like that. But unfortunately it was not.

Needless to say, I left feeling torn up inside once again. I was so disappointed that the lesson was not redirected toward the deeper issues with marital sexuality. I felt like speaking to the women like this was like putting a bandaid on someone else’s scraped knee when you have a missing limb. There is such a need to address sexual issues in our culture, but this talk did not at all address the deeper needs of the relationships nor the deeper needs of these women themselves. Men may get more duty sex after this talk, but no marriage will have more intimacy, more love, or more joy. All I feel he wants from us is to fix the men’s boo-boos and deal with the rest on our own and without complaint. Talk about egocentric.

I agree that women should have fulfilling sexual relationships with their spouses. I agree that sex should never be used as a weapon or a manipulation tool on the woman or mans part. I LOVE sex! I hope everyone can get to a place where they LOVE sex. But this lesson was not a catalyst for healthy sexual change and growth. It was damaging, degrading, and preyed on the insecurities of these “good Mormon women”. I am upset. I am upset by this lesson and the unlimited number of lessons like this that have been, are being, and will be given to women all around the church throughout their lives. I am upset about the way I feel the bishop abused his spiritual power to propagate his anti-feminist agenda, throughout the “Sex Talk” and the lesson given before it. But most of all, I’m upset by the head nods, the “…so trues…” and the internal “amen”-ing that streamed through the majority of the women in the room. I’m upset that they have internalized these damaging messages, and there’s no helping those who don’t want to be helped.

So, what are some of your experiences with the Church and female sexuality? How can we approach this topic with our women old and young that will be healthy for them spiritually and mentally? Should bishops or other church leaders be giving lessons like this at all? What can we do if we disagree with the messages that are being shared in a church environment?