What was I saying on Friday about how the national obsession with not causing offence to anyone is bordering on mental illness?

That was in reaction to a week which had seen an RAF sergeant kicked out of a hospital waiting room for wearing his uniform because it could offend 'other cultures' and a students' union banning sombreros on the grounds that they were a racist insult to Mexicans.

If you thought those two examples were rip-roaring bonkers, then what are we to make of a new report that seeks to ban bacon sarnies and microwaved sausage rolls?

According to someone described as the Professor of Faith and Public Policy at Goldsmiths, University of London, consumption of pork-related products at work could seriously upset non-Christian colleagues — not to mention vegetarians.

Adam Dinham has drawn up a 'religious literacy' programme aimed at employers, commissioned by an outfit called CoExist and a 'professional services' firm EY, whatever that is.

He says companies must take account of the religious sensibilities of everyone from Muslims and Jews to Buddhists, Sikhs and Scientologists. Fair enough. That's still no reason to ban ham sandwiches from communal kitchens, though.

According to someone described as the Professor of Faith and Public Policy at Goldsmiths, University of London, consumption of pork-related products at work could seriously upset non-Christian colleagues

OK, so there are always a handful of single-issue maniacs with a hair-trigger sense of grievance. But I've never come across any Muslim or Jew who objects to others eating pork.

In fact, many of my Jewish friends tell me the tantalising aroma of sizzling bacon is the one thing that has them seriously questioning their kosher tradition.

Professor Dinham claims, however, that microwaving sausage rolls is a serious affront to those whose religion prohibits the consumption of pork. Why? I can't stand the smell of roast pork but I don't want to make it a criminal offence.

There's almost nothing on earth that self-styled 'environmentalists' can't take exception to

Doner kebabs, which look as if they are made out of verrucas and varicose veins, and those horrible botulism-burgers they sell near football grounds are pretty revolting, too. Yet I've never felt the need to stage a violent demonstration outside any fast-food outlet.

Life's too short.

By all means make provision for different tastes. At the League Cup final a few years ago between Spurs and Blackburn, there were contrasting menus at either end of the Millennium Stadium.

The Tottenham section was knocking out overpriced smoked salmon and cream cheese beigels, while the Rovers supporters were chowing down on disgusting balti pies. I would rather eat my own toenail clippings than a mass produced balti pie, but I don't want to stop anyone else enjoying them. It's their coronary.

Pretty soon, we'd all have to eat nettle stew or starve to death

And why should employers have to arrange their communal kitchens to appease adherents of Scientology? What do Scientologists eat, anyway?

The learned prof also says that works canteens should have to take account of the beliefs of environmentalists.

Good luck with that. There's almost nothing on earth that self-styled 'environmentalists' can't take exception to — from cafes flogging bowls of Frosties for a fiver a pop to low-fat milk from farms taking part in the badger cull.

Pretty soon, we'd all have to eat nettle stew or starve to death.

That's the thing about so-called friends of the Earth. They always look ill, as well as filthy.

More to the point, what is a professor of faith and public policy when it's at home?

As I write this, there's a bloke with a pneumatic drill digging up the driveway outside my front door. That's a proper job.

Who grows up wanting to be a professor of faith and public policy? That isn't a proper job, by any stretch of the imagination. According to his website: 'Adam Dinham is director of the Faiths and Civil Society Unit at Goldsmiths, University of London. He holds degrees in Theology and Religious Studies (BA & MA, Cambridge), Social Studies (MA, Brunel) and Politics and Community Development (PhD, Goldsmiths, University of London).

Goldsmiths is the same university where the 'student diversity officer' Bahar Mustafa (pictured) revels in the hashtag #killallwhitemen and recently tried to ban 'white trash' from attending lectures

'He is qualified as a social worker and has practiced (sic) in Social Work and Community Development in city contexts, with an interest in working with faith communities in areas of urban disadvantage.

'He is policy advisor to a number of faith-based agencies and policy bodies, including the Faith Based Regeneration Network and the CoExistence Trust in the House of Lords, and has advised central government on issues of public faith.

'He has been Peace Studies Fellow at the University of Calgary (2009-10), Director of the Faiths and Civil Society Network of the Association of Commonwealth Universities and has published widely on faith in the public realm. He is currently Programme Director for the HEFCE 'Religious Literacy Leadership in Higher Education' programme.'

Nope, me neither. I shouldn't think he does much for the export drive.

Yet in modern Britain, which has to import plumbers and bricklayers from Eastern Europe, someone can make a decent living from carrying out a lengthy academic inquiry into the potential offence to religious minorities caused by microwaved sausage rolls.

Try going to your employer and asking for six months' paid leave to study the impact of pork pies on Scientologists and see how far you get before he sends for security.

Mind you, this is academia, so we shouldn't be too surprised. Goldsmiths is the same university where the 'student diversity officer' Bahar Mustafa revels in the hashtag #killallwhitemen and recently tried to ban 'white trash' from attending lectures. She then claimed that she couldn't be racist because she is a 'woman of colour'.

Only yesterday she was defending violence against Tories. So I think we can probably guess where she stands on 'religious literacy'.

I suppose a bacon banjo's out of the question?

When Wee Burney and her gang chartered a special plane to fly to Westminster, I dubbed it Ayr Force One.

Now it seems I didn't know the half of it. I should have called it the Starship Enterprise. Apparently, Alex Salmond has taken to booking himself on planes under the pseudonym James T. Kirk, after the Captain on Star Trek.

This only came to light when he was refused permission to board a British Airways flight at Heathrow because the name on his ticket didn't match his passport.

Salmond says he uses the alias for security reasons. Why?

What does he think is going to happen if he travels under his own name? Has the provisional wing of the No campaign put out a fatwa on him?

Are there crazed loyalists prepared to hijack any plane containing Salmond and fly it into the Forth Bridge?

During the General Election campaign, Wee Burney developed a taste for whizzing round the country in a personalised helicopter.

How long now before she commissions an SNP Starship Enterprise — or should that be Starship Nationalise?

She could dress up as Mr Spock to Salmond's Captain Kirk.

'Captain's log, Stardate 2015. These are the voyages of the Starship Nationalise. Our five-year mission: to boldly go where no Scot has gone before.

'Engage the deflector shields, Mr Scott, there's Tories on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow . . .'

'I've giv'n her all she's got Captain, an' I cannae give her no more.'

Beam me up, Scotty!

Yo, NiMo, it's OsBo...he's straight outta Bullingdon!

In an attempt to give himself some 'street' cred, George Osborne confides that his favourite group is the American rap act NWA, which stands for N-words Wit Attitudes.

Really?

George probably thinks the NWA movie, Straight Outta Compton, is based on the life of England cricket legend Denis Compton, the original Brylcreem Boy. And that Dr Dre is the new head of the British Medical Association.

Somehow Straight Outta Bullingdon doesn't have the same ring to it.

Politicians always come a cropper when they attempt to get down wiv da kidz. Remember when Gordon Brown pretended to like the Arctic Monkeys?

George probably thinks the NWA movie, Straight Outta Compton, is based on the life of England cricket legend Denis Compton, the original Brylcreem Boy. And that Dr Dre is the new head of the British Medical Association

And Tony Blair claimed hilariously that his favourite act was Chaka Demus and Pliers, who most of us thought was a freelance Jamaican handyman.

Now the Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has revealed that she is known to her children as NiMo, just as Jennifer Lopez is abbreviated to J-Lo.

Morgan is said to fancy herself as the next Tory leader once CaMeDa steps down. So she needs some of the popular yoof appeal of super funky soul brother Boris Johnson, who already glories in the nickname BoJo, which is apparently shorthand for his favourite sex act.

Demand for beard transplants in Britain has rocketed as men seek to emulate the trendy Cereal Killer Cafe hipster look. What a wonderful business opportunity.

You can get everything from George Michael designer stubble to the full Islamist hate-preacher, which is especially popular in the Tower Hamlets area of East London.

The only drawback appears to be that it can take up to three years for transplanted facial hair to grow to full maturity — by which time beards will have gone out of fashion.

The lovely Jilly Cooper, aka Jolly Super, who at 78 has just had a hip replacement, told the Cheltenham Literature Festival that she is considering writing her first raunchy lesbian sex scene as 'there seems to be a lot of it about now'.

Not in our house, there isn't.

Ian Cumming, one of the finalists on The Great British Bake Off, describes his occupation as 'official photographer to the Dalai Lama, when he is visiting Britain'.

That can't be the most demanding job in the world, since the Dalai Lama isn't a particularly frequent visitor to these shores.