Aww… Laura all dressed up in her beige pantsuit as a big-girl mid-level government accountant!

The delivery took four hours, but happy to report that mother and I are doing fine, though I’m basically blind and cold and starving all the time. (But what else is new, apart from the cold?)

When I look at those super-babies with their parents in the playground who get by on just fourteen hours of sleep, I’m like, how do they do it?

Trying to get Chris to eat more candy and French fries at dinner. He went for a grilled-chicken salad with steamed broccoli. #compromises

Sasha drives me crazy with her incessant breast-feeding, but it’s all worth it at the end of the day when she smiles at me with her crow’s-feet eyes and coffee-stained teeth.

Woke Sarah and Ben up at 5 A.M. NEED FORMULA.

That awkward moment when your mom takes you into the women’s room at Macy’s….

Finally able to share the good news—I’m fetal! Haven’t figured out the name of the woman who’s carrying me yet, but due to become a person (depending on your political beliefs) in March.

Jerry and me watching the game in Jets football jerseys, with him desperately trying to get me into sports though I’ve already decided I want to be an abstract painter.

Up all night crying, just ’cause, and now I have to spend the whole afternoon in the park listening to Sheila and her friends gossip. Perfect.

Ian at the dinner table last night: “Goddamnit, these bills are destroying us, Claire. Did you really need to drop three hundred bucks on the Kaufmans’ wedding present?” SO CUTE!!!

Me, eight months gestation. Ready to burst out!

Has anyone ever told parents that it’s kind of weird how they watch and listen to us on grainy black-and-white cameras all night? #stalkmuch?

Shopping with Mom for new onesies. Still haven’t lost my baby fat. Guess who won’t be looking in the dressing-room mirror today?

Video of Steve putting on his tie for his first day of work at the new job … then clumsy little me spitting up all over it. #gotmilk(onyourclothes)

Wake up at 6 —> applesauce —> nap —> stewed carrots —> nap —> playtime —> nap —> stewed apricots —> spend time with parents before bed —> collapse into crib

Mom the other day to her BFF, Mary: “Gayle and I used to be really close, but ever since the divorce, she’s been completely narcissistic—and drinking way too much. I’m not sure we’ll ever be quite the same.” ADORABILITY ATTACK!!!!!

That cranky three-year-old that had a screaming tantrum in the movie theatre and was carried away by her father? Yeah, that’s me.

Pic of Robert, getting out of the shower, at forty-seven years and two months, with a face that says, “Oops, forgot my towel.” LOVE

Teddy Wayne’s second novel, “The Love Song of Jonny Valentine,” will be published in February.

Illustration by Christoph Niemann.