Iggy the Iguana should not be allowed to leave the ballpark! https://t.co/NxvftqoJMG — MLB (@MLB) April 17, 2016

Legendary Phillies mascot Phillie Phanatic hails originally from the Galapagos Islands, and starting last season, the franchise welcomed some of his homeland friends to the stadium. The so-called "Galapagos Gang" are exactly what they sound like -- a posse of violent, unpredictable thugs enlisted to protect Phanatic at all costs. They have a theme song, and also they murder people. Calvin the tortoise, Sid the sea lion and Bessie the blue-footed booby are all wont to beat and maim rivals, usually with their faces, but when it comes time to execute the victim, it's almost always Iggy the iguana who does the job. Iggy eats people alive and whole, their desperate screams fading as they disappear down his gullet.

Iggy's favorite prey is impersonators. If you show up at a Phillies game dressed in the garb of an opposing team (or an umpire), and especially if you dare to perform music in your disguise, Iggy will beat you into submission with his chin, and then consume you.

Having established all this, I have a request:

I would like you to eat me, Iggy. Never before have I craved the sweet release of death, but in seeing these men and women vanish headfirst into the ravenous mouth of an inflated, cap-wearing yellow iguana head, I have identified a cause for which I am willing -- eager, even -- to die. I hope we meet someday, Iggy, and I hope our meeting ends with me inside your stomach.