Illustration by Jean Jullien

ME: Hi, Dr. Albert.

MARV ALBERT: A playoff atmosphere in here tonight!

ME: Well, it’s been a tough week. My mother came to visit me.

MARV ALBERT: From downtown!

ME: And, of course, she immediately asked if I was still sleeping with Sarah.

MARV ALBERT: Out of bounds!

ME: Exactly. It’s not her business.

MARV ALBERT: Unbelievable!

ME: And Sarah won’t even return my calls.

MARV ALBERT: Rejected!

ME: I called her, like, twelve times last night.

MARV ALBERT: A dozen! Unanswered!

ME: I don’t know why I’m surprised. We haven’t been intimate in months.

MARV ALBERT: Stuck outside the perimeter!

ME: Yeah.

MARV ALBERT: Unable to penetrate!

ME: I guess.

MARV ALBERT: Just can’t find the hole!

ME: That’s a little crass, but yeah. Anyway, I actually met this other girl, Becky.

MARV ALBERT: A clutch rebound!

ME: She’s a waitress.

MARV ALBERT: Another easy opportunity!

ME: She’s just coming out of a messy divorce.

MARV ALBERT: A layup!

ME: And she said she hasn’t been on a date in years.

MARV ALBERT: Uncontested!

ME: Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I took her back to my apartment—

MARV ALBERT: Off to a great start!

ME: We were on the bed—

MARV ALBERT: Great hands!

ME: Thanks, Dr. Albert, but she suddenly got, like, freaked out and made some weird excuse—

MARV ALBERT: An explosion of emotions!

ME: Yeah!

MARV ALBERT: Pandemonium!

ME: Right. For no reason.

MARV ALBERT: No choice but to foul!

ME: What?

MARV ALBERT: You’ve got to foul!

ME: What are you suggesting?

MARV ALBERT: With the game on the line, you have to foul!

ME: I would never hurt her.

MARV ALBERT: Then that’s the ballgame!

ME: Yeah, she threw on her jacket and ran out.

MARV ALBERT: Travelling!

ME: So I called after her.

MARV ALBERT: Called for travelling!

ME: But she just left me there, stunned.

MARV ALBERT: Unable to recover!

ME: So I tried to run after her.

MARV ALBERT: Trying to stop a breakaway!

ME: But she slammed the door in my face.

MARV ALBERT: Stuffed!

ME: So I’m standing there alone in my apartment—

MARV ALBERT: Just letting the clock expire!

ME: And then, of course, I started feeling terrible about Sarah again.

MARV ALBERT: Back-to-back losses at home!

ME: Do you think I’ll ever get over her?

MARV ALBERT: And now a quick word from our sponsor.

ME: What?

MARV ALBERT: Visit your local Ford dealer to check out the new Ford S.U.V., the Ford Flex.

ME: I can’t afford a car right now.

MARV ALBERT: It’s the best in its class!

ME: I was never the best in my class.

MARV ALBERT: Have you driven a Ford lately?

ME: I can’t drive.

MARV ALBERT: And we’re back!

ME: I’ve been sitting right here the whole time.

MARV ALBERT: Refusing to go away!

ME: Well, I’ve paid for the whole hour.

MARV ALBERT: We’re going to overtime!

ME: We are?

MARV ALBERT: Yes!

ME: Will I be charged?

MARV ALBERT: Yes!

ME: How much?

MARV ALBERT: Double!

ME: Double?

MARV ALBERT: Triple!

ME: Triple?

MARV ALBERT: Triple double!

ME: Did my insurance say they would cover it?

MARV ALBERT: Rejected!

ME: I figured.

MARV ALBERT: Time for one more!

ME: Dr. Albert, I feel like I have nothing left to live for.

MARV ALBERT: Things are not looking good!

ME: Sometimes I feel like I should just throw myself out the window.

MARV ALBERT: A jumper from the top of the key!

ME: I feel like it’s the only solution.

MARV ALBERT: A quick fadeaway!

ME: Exactly!

MARV ALBERT: A dagger!

ME: A dagger?

MARV ALBERT: Straight down the middle!

ME: Seems a little bloody—

MARV ALBERT: A bullet!

ME: A bullet?

MARV ALBERT: A high-percentage shot!

ME: It’s tempting.

MARV ALBERT: One shot could end this whole thing!

ME: It would be so simple.

MARV ALBERT: A solid execution!

ME: O.K., I’ll do it.

MARV ALBERT: An easy loss to get over!

ME: The world would be better off without me, right, Dr. Albert?

MARV ALBERT: Yes! And it counts! ♦