The dilemma I am 29 and my partner is 36. We’ve been together for four years. I had a child when I was a teenager, and my partner has become an incredible father to him – yet suddenly the age gap between us feels problematic. He seems constantly on my case about “sorting things out”, whether it’s asking the school about upcoming exams or my manager how much holiday I’m owed. I am forgetful, so I don’t blame him for reminding me, but I’m not an assertive person and often when I speak to the school office, or my boss, or the council or any kind of authority I get fobbed off and wouldn’t even know how to argue.

It’s got to the point where I dread him coming home from work, because he starts asking what progress I’ve made. But then I think he is right to hassle me, because these things do need to get done and I am an adult who ought to be capable of doing them. Perhaps I am unhappy because my life is a mess compared to his. It feels like his head is in paperwork and my head is in the clouds. I’m unhappy because he is trying to drag me down – and this is all that our relationship is now. How do we get happy again? Do I need to grow up, or does he need to loosen up?

Mariella replies Both! That’s the short answer. There’s no more effective passion killer than responsibility – and we all struggle to incorporate both into our lives. It’s no wonder most epic romances play out before we hit 30, whether in pop songs, novels, films or real life, when the pressures of life have yet to assert themselves. Carefree behaviour relies on being carefree (or plain irresponsible) and few adults can lay claim to that halcyon state.

You and your partner appear to have reached a serious juncture. He’s pushing you to grab the reins and you’re pushing against change to the status quo. It’s possible he’s a total killjoy, prematurely settling into pipe and slippers, or overly controlling, but I do wonder why you are so resistant to taking charge of your own destiny. In youth, evading chores is a challenge; in adulthood it’s not a virtue. You can keep your head in the clouds only so long as someone else has their feet on the ground.

Saying you are not an assertive person isn’t acceptable justification for failing to tackle what needs doing

It seems a particularly unjust division of labour for your partner to be the one nagging you to check on your child’s school schedule. You know you need to step up to your responsibilities and stop conjuring excuses. The “age gap” between you is a particularly unconvincing argument as he’s probably equally unhappy about returning home from work to nag you about the basics of your own life. You may not want your relationship to boil down to such mundanities, but only by taking care of them can you clear the decks for the “happiness” you seek. School holidays, exam dates, domestic administration are tedious details essential to the infrastructure of our daily lives. Living in ignorance doesn’t make things go away. In fact, problems tend to expand while we’re dodging them.

I’m wondering if you’re not just oppressed by minutiae but also a little bit depressed. Describing your life as a mess is an admission of powerlessness. Whether you and your partner stay together or not, it’s simply not an option to float along and expect things to simply work out or others to shoulder the responsibility. There comes a time in all our lives when we can no longer throw our hands up in the air in helplessness with any credibility. Saying that you’re forgetful, wouldn’t know how to argue and that you are not an assertive person isn’t acceptable justification for failing to tackle what needs doing.

The challenge with getting together young is how much we alter and, when we’re older, how stuck in our ways we become. Although you sound like a recalcitrant child being forced into an adult lifestyle, I don’t think age is the issue here. Some people embrace administration with a relish, others are reluctant guests at that table. Clearly, and perhaps luckily for you, you hooked up with a responsible adult who likes life to be organised. I’m sure that was a blessing when you were a young single parent, but as you develop into maturity it may no longer seem such a gift. It is also not what you want the defining characteristic of your relationship to be.

It is dispiriting how quickly romance can switch to mundanity, especially when there’s a child’s life to be organised, but if you both roll up your sleeves, establish your roles and get on with the chores it should be perfectly possible to carve out some time for joy. All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but the opposite would be even more tedious! There’s room for all sorts in this world, but playing to our strengths and teaming up to combat our weaknesses are essential survival skills.

If there’s something more clinical at the heart of your inability to take control the best place to start is your GP. One of the clearest indications of depression is being stuck in a rut and I can’t decide whether it’s that, or a stubborn determination to keep to your comfort zone that’s causing your troubles. Working that out should be top of your list of tasks.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1