With the N.B.A. playoffs under way, the Golden State Warriors are the team to beat, and every coach in the league is looking to stack his roster with these key ballers:

The Big Man

Every team needs a seven-foot behemoth who will jam the rock into the nearest hole—whether that’s the opponent’s hoop, a trash can, or the gaping maw of a screaming fan.

The Locker-Room General

These humble hoopsters don’t get a lot of minutes, but they support their teammates with motivational chants like “Protect this house!” and “My son calls LeBron James ‘Dad!’ ”

The Offensive Specialist

Destroys opposing players with offensive language.

The Foul Magnet

Destroys opposing players with foul language.

The Flamingo

Not necessarily an actual flamingo, this beautifully groomed player dazzles and enchants all who lay eyes on him. Talk about serene.

The Referee’s Son

Just as family members don’t have to testify against each other in a court of law, refs are allowed to look the other way on fouls committed by their own entitled brats.

The Hockey Player

Advantage: Gets to use a stick.

Disadvantage: Skates ruin the hardwood.

The Post-Modernist

“When our value as human beings is defined by the value of our contracts, the inevitable result is that we find ourselves incarcerated inside the gilded cage of capitalism. The joy of simply playing the game has been replaced by individual achievements and stat-padding. In many ways, we do not play basketball; basketball plays us,” this player says, frequently and unprompted.

The Demolitions Expert

Self-explanatory.

The Undercover Boss

Players are always shocked at the end of the game to learn that their new teammate—a shrunken septuagenarian in tasselled loafers and an Afro wig—is actually their team’s billionaire owner!

The Guy Who Used to Play for the Other Team and Knows Everything About What Foods They Like and How They Like Them Prepared

That way, the home team is able to have a nice meal ready for their guests!

The Hacker

This two guard can break into the city’s mainframe to control the traffic grid. Just as with college classes, when a professor’s late, if the other team doesn’t arrive ten minutes after tip-off, you can leave with the win.