Obviously, I'm aware of orgasms. I know there are different kinds. There are the orgasms other people give you, and the orgasms you give yourself. There are the varying delivery methods of orgasms, involving actual people parts or vibrating substitutes. There are the ones that sneak up on you, and the ones you have to really work for. There are multiple orgasms, zero orgasms and also fake ones. There are big orgasms that shake the room, and tiny ones that bum you out. But I stand (ok, sit, always sit) here before you as a grown woman with a confession: I never realized there were official orgasm levels! DID YOU!?


Says Nerve:

Anne Summer, a UK lingerie and sex toy retailer, has put gynecologists to work on a new expertly designed G-spot stimulator called the Ultimate G. Made from soft silicone, the main shaft of the vibrator (with multiple pleasure "bumps") targets the G-spot while the twin outer arms target the inner clitoris (the big guy under the surface, not the hood). This sounds, um, unorthodox. Anne Summer's website assures us, the Ultimate G has been "designed by medical experts to take you to the third level of orgasm."


[Packs overnight bag]

I admit I am not an expert on all-matters anything, but yeesh, I figured by now I'd have learned there were levels of orgasms. Maybe I've had a LEVEL 3 orgasm and I didn't even know it. Maybe what I've always been thinking of as the greatest orgasms are, in fact, LEVEL 3 orgasms and I was just calling them orgasms (sorry, orgasms). Maybe there is an entire world of pleasure I had no idea even existed and I am an idiot. This would not be the first time this has happened, like when I discovered there was a secret menu at In-N-Out.

So where is this next-level orgasm? How does one locate it? Is it just hidden in plain sight, there for the taking? Pssst, the greatest orgasm of your life is just up the stairs in the attic, next to those dusty quilt tops. Must I only turn the corner in my mind to run smack into it, where we will embrace and collapse into a trembling puddle of long overdue release if only I believe?

Here's the other thing I should probably just come out with already: I also don't know what a level 2 orgasm is. Or even level 1. Honestly, I just thought orgasms were great or not, mostly great, and at this point I still haven't even looked up what any level of orgasm is, because my head is spinning with the sensation one has when they first learned that there is a thing BETTER than the thing you already think is the greatest thing ever. It's like finding out that there's a better record than Pet Sounds, or that THERE IS A THIRD LEVEL ORGASM.


So imagine my relief when the writer at Nerve, a site about all the sex and sexy things, also didn't know what it was.

What's the third level of orgasm? I believe there is complimentary pizza and an extensive magazine selection.


Another site reporting on the Ultimate G also found the concept of third level of orgasm to be a head-scratcher:

The toy, named the Ultimate G, says it can take ladies to the 'third level orgasm' (before you ask - we don't know what happens at levels one and two. Moaning and toe cramps?) But Ann Summers explain it is, 'the highest part of the female orgasm and is the most intense and lasting, giving a deep sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.'


OK so, levels of orgasm apparently have something to do with where you're being gotten off from, so to speak, and how well they do the getting off.

The main, erm, shaft targets the g-spot while it's two buddy arms go after the inner clitoris, as opposed to the outer clitoris like other sex toys.


So if your whole area is getting lit up like Northern Lights, uh, sure, I can see that might feel pretty good or whatever. Thankfully, there is an article called "the four levels of orgasm," which offers clarity and release.

Men and women, according to Tantric tradition, can apparently both experience four levels of orgasm. Sheesh. FOUR. Next you'll tell me there's some kind of magical energy created when this happens.

This is the magical state in which the two life force energies coming together truly create a new energy – Quodoushka Energy or Orende which can be used for healing, for manifesting desires into physical reality, for expanding the lairen or just for pleasure. (Sweet Medicine Chuluaqui Quodoushka)


Okie doke but WHAT ARE THE LEVELS.

Level 1: "Moderate physical satisfaction," but no real/deep connection. Maybe you wanna talk and cuddle, or maybe you want the other person to go away please and now. Also known as: Meh/Serviceable.


Level 2: More satisfaction, and more of a connection. The body is glowing, flushed and tingling. AKA: Content.

Level 3:

There is a desire to give, stroke, cuddle and you may find yourself laughing. There is a wonderful camaraderie and joy in being together. You may find yourself moving into a dream state, then become talkative. The body is humming and vibrating.


Day-um.

Level 4: Ok, this is when you hit pay dirt. When shit gets transcendent. "Complete fulfillment" ? The "merging of all aspects of our being" ? "Bliss and love for all, an open/pure-heart love-light connection to the Allness of life?"


I don't mean to sound greedy — Level 3 is great and everything, but how about let's all go batshit together when a vibrator is so fucking great it takes us to LEVEL 4 and the Giant Allness of Life without any other human intervention. Get on it. LEVEL 4! (Fist pump.)