THERESA May has confirmed the Brexit negotiations continue to be a ‘gigantic sea of piss’.

The prime minister insisted that any ‘sense of optimism’ in the wake of last week’s agreement was ‘just another fuck-up’. She then unveiled a rudimentary drawing of the gun towers she wants to position along the Irish border from March 2019.

She said: “Yesterday I instructed David Davis to renege on the Irish border deal and this morning I instructed him to retract that.

“I am now retracting that retraction, while insisting that these gun towers will never be built.

“Let me be clear – I fully intend to build these gun towers.”

The prime minister added: “Nothing is agreed until everything is retracted. Nothing is everything until retraction is agreement.

“That is the definition of leadership.”