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A high-ranking executive from a big 4 bank has died after he drank a liquid he said was poison seconds after he learnt news of Malcolm Turnbull’s plan to begin a royal commission into Australian financial institutions, it has been confrimed.

Wyatt Andrich (72) tilted back his head and took a swig from a bottle shortly after being approached for comment by Betoota Advocate journalists about his own negligence and opportunism that resulted in the deaths of thousands of Australian farmers.

“I just drank poison,” he said.

“I am not a crooked banker. I oppose this conviction.”

Today’s announcement comes after months of pressure from the slow-talking branch of the Coalition, the agriculturalist members of the Nationals, who believe their constitutions are being systematically shafted by Turnbull’s constituents.

Nationals senator Barry O’Sullivan, who was ready to introduce a bill forcing a banking inquiry, says he is happy the Government listened to its members, but another backbencher says Malcolm Turnbull had to be dragged “kicking and screaming” to the decision.

However, while farmers and hard-done-by Australian families are celebrating today, it is believed that hundreds of small vials of cyanide and other lethal poisons are being couriered around Martin Place, as the financial sector come to terms with the fact that all good things come to an end.

“I did nothing wrong” shouted Mr Andrich.

“This was all because of economic instability under the Rudd-Gillard-Rudd governments”