WASHINGTON—Saying they felt physically sickened by the notion that the lewd and disturbing comments weren’t enough to draw harsh condemnation on their own, the daughters of the nation’s GOP leaders reportedly stated Sunday that it’s “pretty fucked up” if they are the only reason their fathers are denouncing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s recently unearthed remarks about assaulting women. “Do you know how fucking twisted it is if you’re only speaking out about the Trump video because you watched it and then thought of us and only then realized these were unacceptable things to say? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the daughters of numerous leading Republican figures, including vice presidential nominee Mike Pence, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, Sen. Ted Cruz, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and Sen. John Cornyn, adding that you would have to be “a real piece of shit” to be okay with these statements otherwise. “So let me get this straight: You wouldn’t have recognized this was disgusting, criminal behavior before we were born or—oh, God—if we were your sons instead of your daughters? That’s even more fucking horrifying to think about. Jesus, Dad, you need to figure some shit out.” At press time, the daughters of GOP leaders were wondering why the fuck their fathers apparently hadn’t thought of them even once when denouncing women’s reproductive rights.

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