notbladewell

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Member Back to Top Post by notbladewell on So, my friend invited me over to watch Advent Children on his laptop, so having nothing better to do I accepted and went and watched it. First let me begin by saying that I don't know a word of Japanese. Well, I can count to 10, and know hikooki is an airplane, but I don't think that does me any good. Also, this whole topic contains SPOILERS for FFVII and FF ADVENT CHILDREN so there, you've been warned. However, I cannot guarantee the accuracy of these spoilers as they are based on my interpretation of the movie.



Okay, so the movie starts out, and there's a helicopter. There's a guy in the helicopter who I named Bob. Bob has red hair. End of that scene. Now we meet Croudu. He drives a motorcycle and has like 5 or 6 different enormous swords. There's also Dirk, Joe, and Mike. Mike tells Dirk and Joe to go chase Croudu and they do. Giant demon rat things appear and try to eat Croudu while he's fighting Dirk and Joe. Randomly the scene ends.



Now we meet Tifa (I got one name right!) who has large breasts and takes a girl named Cindy to a patch of flowers. Dirk comes and beats Tifa into the ground and takes Cindy. This scene also includes a cell-phone advertisement. Croudu finds Tifa on the ground and then they almost have sex, but Croudu's girlfriend who is dead tells him not to in a dream sequence (this happens throughour the whole movie, every time Croudu is about to get some Tifa, his dead girlfriend appears). Croudu goes to fight Dirk, Joe, and Mike who are busy trying to molest children, and get them to drink special water. Croudu's dead girlfriend shows up again. Croudu fights Dirk, Joe, and Mike but gets owned, until a guy in a red cape (my friend told me his name was Vincent) appears and saves him. They also rescue Cindy...





notbladewell

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Member Back to Top Post by notbladewell on So Dirk and Joe are in the middle of the city trying to start a proletariat rebellion. They tell the people how they should rise up and overthrow their oppressors and that they have to start by drinking the black water. But Bob and Sergei (he appeared earlier in the movie but wasn't important at that point) are there to stop Dirk and Joe from promoting communism. Dirk and Joe bet Bob and Sergei that they can't pull over the giant platform to try and stall for time. Bob and Sergei don't fall for it, and start talking smack to Dirk and Joe.



Meanwhile, Mike (who as I forgot to mention stuck a coloured marble into his arm in the previous scene) is arguing with Steven Hawking about who should take possession of all the coloured marbles. Mike gets so frustrated that he summons Karl Marx (who has been reincarnated as a giant demon gundam dragon thing) to destroy the city. Karl Marx flies in from a giant cloud and starts eating people and wrecking the city. At this point Bob and Sergei start fighting Dirk and Joe. Tifa runs in to rescue a little boy named Oliver, but Oliver won't move because he's been turned into a communist. Tifa doesn't know what to do so she lays on top of him to try and seduce him into moving.



At this point a whole bunch of other characters appear to help fight Karl Marx the giant gundam dragon demon fiend monster. A black guy named Tyrel who has an arm cannon, a pole vaulter named Derek, a ninja called Ninja Girl with knee-high boots and a giant throwing star, and Vincent, who now has a triple barreled pistol. They shoot at it and try to kill it, but they can't hurt it at all. In fact, they just piss it off even more and it uses it's ice breath and starts blowing up stuff. Luckily, Croudu comes to save the day. He jumps up to kill Karl Marx but it's too high. Luckily, all of Croudu's friend throw him up even higher, so he can reach Karl Marx, who shoots Ice Breath at him. Luckily Croudu's dead girlfriend gives him a hand too and he is able to fly through the ice breath and cut Karl Marx in half.



Mike is really frustrated now that his Communist plans are ruined. Mike gets pissed at Stephen Hawking (who can now walk) and pushes him off a building, but he gets caught in a giant net. Mike, is confused and decides to jump off the building as well. He grabs the box of coloured marbles and gets on his motorcycle and tells Joe and Dirk to follow him. Croudu gets there 30 seconds too late and chases them on his motorcycle...

notbladewell

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Member Back to Top Post by notbladewell on Croudu catches up to Mike, Joe, and Dirk. Mike speeds ahead of Dirk and Joe and tells them to kill Croudu. At this point, many inconvenient prinicples of physics simply disappear. Things like friction, inertia, and balance that could hinder the badassitude of this fight scene are ignored for obvious reasons. All the motorcylces start spinning around on the pavement like it is made of ice. Dirk tries to zap Croudu with his tazer arm, while Joe shoots at him with his gun sword. Luckily, Cloudu can manuever a motorcycle and a 500 pound sword at the same time and he uses them to block bullets. At this point Dirk starts teleporting and Joe starts making his motorcyle jump on top of Croudu's. Croudu thinks that this is ridiculous and chops Dirk's taze arm off, but Dirk is okay, he's just more pissed now.



At this point the movie cuts to Bob and Sergei who are standing at the end of the tunnel by a helicopter. Sergei asks Bob if he can drive a helicopter. Bob says yes, but that it'd be more fun to blow it up. Sergei agrees and they set the timer on the dynamite that has now mysteriously appeared in their hands. Croudu speeds past them (Sergei and Bob), and Mike and Joe (who are following Croudu) are blown to bits.



At this point we see Mike drive into the church where the flowers are growing. He opens the box he stole and finds... that all his coloured marbles are gone! To make matters worse for Mike, Cloudu has just arrived and tires to run him over. Mike is not having a good day. He gets really angry and wrecks part of the church. Both of them drive onto the roof and start fighting. But Croudu's arm is dirty so he can't fight very well. Luckily, Croudu's dead girlfriend makes it rain and Croudu is able to wash his arm off. He starts kicking Mike's ass. At this point things get really confusing, I may have not been paying good enough attention...



notbladewell

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Member Back to Top Post by notbladewell on So suddenly it starts getting really cloudy. Like it's about to start some serious rain. But not the happy Croudu's girlfriend rain, more like bad Thunderstorm and Tornado Warning rain. This happens cause Mike is really pissed and transforms into a completely different character (Sephiroth I think) who has been appearing in random cutscenes surrounded by fire throughout the whole movie. Anyways, Mikeroth's sword grows to like 14 feet longer and he starts battling Croudu. Once again physics disappears and people start flying. They fight on a giant collapsing building.



All of Croudu's friends come in a giant helicopter spaceship to watch the battle. Tifa and Ninja Girl are arguing about something, though I didn't really pay attention to that part. Tyrel says that they're both a bunch of hoes and that his wang is twice as big as Croudus. Both of them say that's not true at all, then continue arguing. Tyrel regrets to himself ever agreeing to be in this game and says he now knows why there aren't any other black people in RPG's.



The fight on the collapsing building continues. Mikeroth keeps throwing giant pieces of building at Croudu and Croudu keeps chopping them in half with his sword. As soon as either character chops a piece of stone in half it catches on fire, which is another notable bizarre characteristic of Advent Children physics. After about two minutes of flying and running from piece to piece of falling stone Croudu and Mikeroth reach the top of the building (which is really high up, despite that an infinite amount of building kept falling on them earlier).



They start battling it out. Croudu keeps splitting his sword into pieces and then putting it back together again. Finally he decides to leave it in one piece. Unfortunately it's really heavy so he gets PWNed. Before he knows what happened, Mikeroth's 14 foot katana (which is now only 7 feet long for resons unexplained) is stuck in his shoulder. Obviously Croudu is in so much pain that he can't even bleed. A dream sequence starts and Croudu's girlfriend tells him that he should stop thinking about Tifa, and take the sword out of his shoulder so he can defeat Mikeroth...

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Member Back to Top Post by notbladewell on Suddenly Croudu wakes up. He stares Mikeroth straight in the face and rips the sword out of his shoulder. Mikeroth's all liek "OMFG h4x!". Croudu's is still in too much pain to bleed, but that's okay cause he's hardcore like that. He starts running toward Mikeroth. You can tell something crazy is about to happen because Croudu starts glowing. He throws his sword up into the air and it splits into like 8 different parts and surrounds Mikeroth (who is now flying for some reason). The swords start glowing orange and Croudu jumps into the air. He get's one sword flies through Mikeroth, then another, and another, and another!!1!!1 All these after images of Croudu are flying straight through Mikeroth (who's face is contorted now because he too is in too much pain to bleed, despite that he's been cut in half 8 times). Anyways, after Croudu's little combo thing is done he lands back on the ground looking really tired.



For some reason, Mikeroth has grown a wing (no, not two wings, one wing), which he uses to cover up his body, which then disappears and he turns back into normal Mike. Croudu picks Mike up and there's a really emotional scene where Croudu tells Mike that he thinks he is hot, but the Croudu's girlfriend appears and tells Croudu that he can't date Mike either. She then, being the ***** she is makes it rain acid, which melts Mike and he dies (or disappears or something). Croudu decides that he wasn't *** anyways and stands up and goes to find Tifa.



Promptly he is shot by Dirk and Joe, who apparently survived, and have now stuck about 20 coloured marbles in their arms. Croudu dies again, and his girlfriend tells him it is his fault for thinking about Tifa. Somehow Dirk and Joe are defeated (I was eating cake during this part of the movie so I missed a bit of it). The dream sequence continues for a bit and Croudu thinks he is being held by his girlfriend, but really he awakes in the church surrounded by strange children.



All of Croudu's friends are there. It turns out that they had the coloured marbles the whole time! Oliver (who is still a communist) asks Tifa if she will date him and she says no because Croudu is hotter. This makes Oliver mad so he runs into the water to try and kill Croudu, but as soon as he steps into the magic water he gets tranquil, and starts to mellow. Croudu takes advantage of this to baptize him in the name of capitalism, and Oliver is no longer angry. Croudu looks at all his friends and sees in the background that his girlfriend is standing with her new boyfriend; Chuck Norris. She tells him that she has given up on him (Croudu), and that he's not dying fast enough anyways. She tells him that her new boyfriend, Chuck Norris, is a lot cooler then he is.



Croudu is kind of disappointed, but he's cool with it. The whole gang is finally united. It turns out Sergei and Bob didn't die either. There is also a Raccoon Fire Cat, that appeared randomly at the very beginning of the movie (even before the helicopter). Tyrel is there along with Derek. Vincent and Cindy show up too. Oliver decides that Tifa is out of his league and goes to hit on Cindy. Everyone lives happily ever after. Communism is destroyed and all the coloured marbles are safe and sound.



The credits begin.



Lokuri

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Link to Post Back to Top Post by Lokuri on Ninja Girl? Yuffie? Oh my gosh these names are so confused the whole story has me lost! Im guessing Croudu is Cloud and his dead girlfriend is Aeris (Aerith in Kingdom Hearts)? Mike is Sehiroth? I think? Yeah, he is! Mikeroth? wtf ><? Okay then, so this is like a comedy relief of the actual movie? lol v.v Im so lost, yet it made me laugh so much. Red hair? You mean Reno. Sorry, first thing I noticed. Also, never seen Advent Children but I watched enough AMV's and spoilers to know basically all the players, the main jest, and still I wanna watch it!Ninja Girl? Yuffie? Oh my gosh these names are so confused the whole story has me lost! Im guessing Croudu is Cloud and his dead girlfriend is Aeris (Aerith in Kingdom Hearts)? Mike is Sehiroth? I think? Yeah, he is! Mikeroth? wtf > Okay then, so this is like a comedy relief of the actual movie? lol v.v Im so lost, yet it made me laugh so much.