When you see the rage and fury from politicians and newspapers about whether the child refugees we’re allowing in are actually children it makes you proud we’re a Christian nation. Because we all remember the sermon of Jesus in which he said: “Let the suffering children come, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these – but not that bastard, he’s 19 if he’s a day. Look at his stubble, he can piss off and get crucified by the Romans, the sodding liar.”

When we agreed to let children in, these weren’t the ones we ordered. We were expecting a cute four-year-old with a leg missing and a broken teddy. What’s the point in saving someone’s life if they turn out to be 23 and wearing a hood? Even the children we’ve accepted in the past have swindled us, because they might have looked like little cherubs at the time but they’ve gone on to become 25, 31 or, in some cases, 36 years of age. How much longer are we going to be taken for mugs like this?

This is why many commentators have made statements such as: “I’m as compassionate as anyone, and would happily dedicate my whole life to helping genuine refugees. But if some Afghan whose village has been shelled by warlords and had to live in a cave eating lizards carries his own mother across Hungary and then tries to come over here saying he’s 17 when he’s clearly 19, I’d be the first to strap him to a pedalo with masking tape and drop the ungrateful cockroach in the North Sea during a force nine gale.”

MP calls for child refugees from Calais to have teeth checked to verify age

To make things worse, lots of these “children” aren’t real refugees, they’re just trying to sponge off our services. They crawl away from Islamist gangs in Somalia, disguise themselves as chickens so they can be transported in a crate to Calais, then crawl inside a car bonnet under the carburettor and get into Britain because they know our fire service will rescue cats from a tree for nothing.

One complaint in some newspapers this week has been that “many of the refugees don’t have identification papers”. That’s enough to make anyone suspicious. Surely, before setting off on a long journey on a rickety boat to flee from a gas attack, it makes sense to pop down to TK Maxx to get a waterproof jacket with plenty of pockets to keep your driving licence, library card and three recent electricity bills safe and dry. That’s the first rule if you’re heading off for a weekend break in the Lake District, so there’s no excuse if you’re taking a journey across the Mediterranean in a wardrobe.

Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis Show all 7 1 /7 Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis The Solidarity With Refugees group said Saturday’s protest aimed to “show our Government and the world that Britain is ready to welcome more refugees”. Rex Features Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis People march through central London as they take part in a protest rally organised by Solidarity with Refugees in a bid to urge the Government to take more action on the migrant crisis Press Association Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis The protest comes days before world leaders meet to discuss crisis at UN General Assembly Press Association Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis Demonstrators made their way from Park Lane to Parliament Square in London on Saturday afternoon Press Association Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis Marchers chanted “refugees are welcome here” and waved banners reading “no-one is illegal” and “let’s help people” Press Association Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis The march was supported by charities and groups including the Red Cross, Asylum Aid, Save the Children, Hope Not Hate, Oxfam and the UN Refugee Agency Rex Features Refugees welcome here: Protesters demand UK resettle more migrants in response to refugee crisis In the wake of Alan’s death, David Cameron pledged to resettle 20,000 Syrian refugees in the UK over the coming five years but there have been additional calls to re-home those who have already reached Europe, as well as asylum seekers coming from other conflict zones such as Iraq and Afghanistan Rex Features

Another complaint has been from columnists who ask: “Why are there no pictures of actual children?” One possible explanation offered by photographers is they did take pictures of young children but press regulation means they cannot be used. One of them said: “We’d probably have to pixelate them.” Then The Sun could put a pixelated picture on the front page with a headline, “Why are we letting in this so-called refugee, when he rejects our culture by having a face that’s a collection of blurry squares?”

The suggestion from many politicians is to give refugees a dental test to check their age. Because when you’ve spent 18 months under a patch of tarpaulin stretched across a tree with raw sewage running nearby and the French police puffing tear gas at you twice a day, no gesture is more welcoming than a doctor examining the remains of your teeth in an age test; it’s the equivalent of a hotel leaving a chocolate on the bed.

It’s hard to see why anyone would object to this, as tests for age have been carried out before. In 1381 the original Poll Tax had to be paid by everyone aged over 13. So villagers would insist a child was only 12, then tax inspectors would take off a boy or girl’s trousers and if they had any pubic hair, they would be judged to be 13 and eligible for the tax.

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If checks like that were good enough for the 14th-century peasantry, why can’t we do something like that now? Any refugee with three strands of pubic hair would be sent back as too old. What could be more humane? But we’re too politically correct these days to go back to the upstanding values of 1381.

This is why we have the appalling spectacle of some people showing compassion. Lily Allen let the country down by crying when she visited the Calais Jungle, just because she saw children wandering in hopeless filth and squalor. What sort of example is that to set for her young followers? And Gary Lineker said he was dismayed by the level of contempt some people showed towards refugees, to which many people quite reasonably replied: “What right has a striker and football presenter got to show a modicum of decency and warmth towards other human beings? How DARE he give a shit about anyone?”

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It’s time we all learned to act properly towards anyone in need. If we see someone having a heart attack, it’s very important to act quickly and check they’re not feigning it as a ruse to get free biscuits at the cardiac unit. If an elderly person falls down the stairs, search their house for any clues they might be trying to swindle an insurance claim.

Because when you look back at history, at the Huguenots fleeing France or the Jews escaping Germany, the people remembered with pride are those that had the courage to say: “Some of them are over 18 – send them back, the bastards.”