Oh, first season. I literally do not understand how you got made at all, much less were allowed to stay on television. I mean, THANK GOD you did, but let’s be real: YOU CRAZY. In this bananas episode, the crew goes searching for some lost guys on a planet run by women. Spoiler alert: there’s boning, and I don’t mean the kind in a corset.

But first, let’s address something:

Assault with a deadly sideburn

So pointy!! This isn’t new information, it’s just a really nice shot of Data’s hair.

But lest you think this episode is one of those where I just talk about everyone’s hair, FRET NOT, fair reader. Because soon, we are treated to this majestic creation:

Do you want to join our German techno band

Oh yes. We’ve seen a LOT of jumpsuits around here and this is Top Five material right here. First of all, it might actually be made of fiberglass. I hope you’re wearing appropriate undies, Wesley and Vaguely Asian Friend! Second, that waistline is in a place that somehow accentuates Wesley’s Ken Doll-like crotch region. But the real gem, I think, are the Olivia Newton-John headbands, because somehow V.A.F. actually looks kind of cool (I SAID KIND OF) while Wesley, as per usual, looks like a proto-Justin Bieber but with less interesting hair. I can definitely see the Biebs running in this manner:

They worked on their triple axels for HOURS that day

But this is not even the A plot! This is just Wesley and V.A.F. kickin’ it. The A plot involves this LadyPlanet, run by a council of six “mistresses” and headed by this foxy thing:

Not Teri Garr

I recently got bangs, and everyone has been like “GURL THOSE BANGS” and all I have to say to this lady, whose name is Beata, is “girl. Those bangs :(” So present, but also so wispy, and also maybe you sprayed your hairspray RIGHT in the middle to create a sort of hair flower that just looks weird.

Now, the thing about LadyPlanet (okay, it’s called Angel I) is that because it’s run by women, the men are the submissive ones and also are very wee. Now, I personally have nothing against a wee man, but when you dress them like this, well:

FIERCCCCCE

I mean, there is just really a lot going on here. Just to get this out of the way: shoulder wings. I don’t think there’s much more to say there. Beata and her colleague, Ariel, are both wearing what appear to be some interesting watercolor-inspired prints that I actually really like. Nice colors with just enough pizzazz.

Then there’s Trent. Yes, that guy’s name is Trent because OF COURSE HIS NAME IS TRENT. Trent, as required by the mores of this lady-run society, is rocking a traditional low-cut blouse in a silver lame that I’m sure Lwaxana Troi would covet were she here. But that’s not all, folks:

Tyra would be proud

Fierce posing, Trent! And cute leggings. And I think I got that belt with my Get In Shape, Girl set, along with my pink sweatband and 1 lb. hand weights.

But it’s not just Trent. This is, like, male style on LadyPlanet:

He uses V05 Hot Oil for sure

Are those pants VELOUR?! With ribbon detailing, just like Trent’s? What I’m wondering is whether these outfits are supposed to be sexy or demeaning. Or both, like any Halloween costume ever.

On the other hand, this is what the ladies wear:

Snooze

Grey. Bleh. The shoulder wings are there to keep me awake, but otherwise this is basically an Ambien in outfit form.

I’m sure there is a whole world of sociological exploration we could do about what it means to be masculine and feminine and how one’s dress affects how you are perceived, etc. But let’s just laugh at this guy’s clothes:

Mustardseed? Or Peasblossom?

I mean, the man is wearing mint green leggings with a ribbon to define his junk.

The reason the Enterprise is even on this planet is that they stumbled on this freighter that crashed, and are looking for any survivors. The leader is like “we won’t tell you if they’re here” which obviously means that they ARE there, but they decide to keep the away team on ice for a second.

This is still early enough on that Data acts weird occasionally. The thing is, this is not really one of those times, but the rest of the team thinks it is.

These have always brought me luck

He investigates this perfume by smelling it. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s…kind of what you do with perfume? Smell it? But Deanna thinks he’s being a silly android. Then they all leave and for no real reason:

I want to smell like cinnamon buns

Mini-Conan O’Brien here is just really enjoying that perfume. At least it’s not Axe Body Spray, AMIRITE LADIES?!?!

Meanwhile, Beata is standing arms akimbo in various ways:

Nip slips are de rigeur

I really do like her top.

Riker, being Riker, is like “a HA! A LadyPlanet. I shall bone one, or possibly several, of these ladies.” In order to do this, he requests some traditional garb of the planet:

Domo arigato

Look, Will, I know you’re skeptical about what looks like a green shiny kimono, but if you’d just put it on, you’d see that –

BAHAHAHAHAHA

…okay, so maybe this isn’t Riker’s best look ever. With the reverse-Little Mermaid color scheme and the extreme level of shiny on the top, his chest forest looks a little out of place. (Though not unwelcome, bokayyyyy?)

Deanna just peed herself

That fabric! I want either a canopy bed with a curtain of it, or a 1970s muumuu. It might be paisley. I think I’m in love.

Yar is here, too, and she’s into it:

Nice thighs, Commander

But this outfit isn’t intended to impress these gals, as evidenced by their reaction:

Oh, how they laughed

No, this outfit is for Mistress Beata, whose bangs are even more floral now:

Green lame makes me horny

And then, inevitably:

I still got it

Did anyone not see this coming? I mean, it’s Riker on a planet of ladies. That’s like throwing me down a well full of cookies. One of them – at least – is getting eaten.

Meanwhile, the away team is looking for platinum, because it’s not naturally-occurring on this planet, and the guys they’re looking for would have had some. They find them, like, REALLY easily.

Welcome to my man-cave, brah

Here they meet some sort of Poor Man’s Richard Dean Anderson who is rocking sort of a post-apocalyptic Western motorcycle gang thing.

And a sweet sweet mullet

That jacket is no joke. Those patches started as elbow patches, but they realized this guy was too badass and they grew into ARM CHAPS.

Maybe more like a Poor Man’s Ricky Schroeder

Arm chaps made of what appears to be python skin. Bad. Ass.

Meanwhile, in Beata’s chamber, exactly what you thought was happening is happening:

Sorry about that lamp, trypophobia sufferers

She put on her best burgundy Seduction Sack for this date, because you know that shit ain’t stayin’ on for long anyway!!

But then Trent rolls in with a meditation crystal:

It’s the pink, isn’t it? You hate me because you hate pink

This crystal’s function isn’t super-clear to me, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s something freaky, because:

Boner alert

WHY IS THAT RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE? Guys, that is going to be in your way in like two seconds. Unless it does something freaky. In that case, carry on.

So it turns out that the guys who escaped from the shuttle really like Angel I as a planet, but the society is not cool towards men, so they established a hideout in the woods (they’ve been on the planet for 7 years, by the by). Some of them have hooked up with local ladies who feel the same, and have even produced little hipster-looking offspring:

My room on turntable.fm is blowing up, you guys

Most scandalous of all is that Beata’s right-hand woman is fraternizing with the main survivor dude, PMRDA:

Protect me, FauxGyver

This looks like a poster for a Lifetime Original movie.

The crew of the Enterprise can’t really do anything about these guys, since they’re not Federation, so they’re just kind of like, “uh…bye.”

Riker and Beata are still at it:

Seduction Sack: works every time

Or possibly not at it yet? Why are your clothes on? In any event, Trent comes back (oh, Trent) and tells her that the survivor guys have NOT been located (since the Enterprise crew is under no obligation to tell them) and she is like “fine, they’re going to be executed.” SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Also, by the way, this whole time? On the Enterprise, some sort of crazy sickness is spreading. I haven’t mentioned it to this point because everyone is just wearing uniforms and it is the WORST B PLOT EVER. It literally has nothing to do with the A plot, and it’s boring. I’m not expecting Curb Your Enthusiasm levels of “it all comes together” here, I’m just expecting a parallel or an echo or something. But no. It’s just like “the crew is sick, it came from a snowball, oh wait now they are well.”

Anyway, I’m mentioning this now because we get to see JLP in a rare moment of powerlessness and also shirtlessness:

Looks like you need treatment, if you know what I mean

Mmmm, more chest forest. Beverly, we have talked about your season 1 hair before and I’m not going to address it anymore. Too dark, too feathered, see you in season 3.

Back on Angel I, the survivors are located (because Beata figures out that her pal is sleeping with the leader), and brought in for “justice,” though I’m not super-sure what they did? I guess they’re just rabble-rousers, like Jesus.

PMRDA and his crew are mostly in brown:

It’s all we could find in the caves

As Suri Cruise recently noted, brown is not a color, but they were living in caves so I guess they get a pass. This guy, however, TOP HONORS:

Is this what tripping looks like? I don’t do drugs

This fabric was almost certainly purchased at a Jo-Ann’s fabrics in the remnants box, but somewhere in Iowa, there is a quilt that incorporates it. Someone’s grandma loved this print.

Werq

Nothing to say here, just some really incredible posing.

So the fugitive survivors are going to be executed by way of dematerialization. There is some arguing and some more boring-ass guards:

Top by Floormats Plus

What stinks is that the other ladies’ outfits are in general, pretty cute:

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This old thing? Just my executionin’ dress

Those tie-dyeing children must be around here

So Beata is like “we’re gonna kill them” and Riker is like “beam them up!” and Crusher is like “everyone here is still sick because of that stupid-ass B plot!” and Riker is like “dang!” and Beata is like “ok wait maybe we won’t kill them” and Crusher is like “all clear” and Riker is like “let’s go!” and Beata is like “yeah, okay, they can live.” And PMRDA is into that.

My arm chaps will encircle you

And Riker, with another notch in his virtual bedpost, once again respects the woman he banged with such ease:

You love it