You know what was weird?

That time where I got a Loot Crate (February’s BUILD Crate) and totally forgot to take pictures of it and talk about it. I literally forgot I even received it until I got this month’s box and was like “oh yeaaahhh” about the BUILD crate. I mean, in a way that’s kind of a review of it in its own way, isn’t it?

Anyhow, onward to this months March PRIMAL Crate!

DO NOT READ THIS MOVE ALONG. If you think I’m any kind of entertaining you might want to check out our podcast 9ES, it’s got over 120 episodes and it’s also kind of entertaining. That’s my thing, I try to be kind of entertaining.

So this month’s Loot Crate theme was Primal. Having just played through Far Cry: Primal and seeing that there was nothing Far Cry related in the box, we begin with disappointment. Did that disappointment dissipate?

Wolverine Metal Figurine

I don’t really know what to make of this guy. When I was a kid watching The Uncanny X-Men cartoon, I loved Wolverine. Who didn’t? He was a gruff badass who said “bub” a lot. I also remember really enjoying the Frank Miller run of Wolverine as well. Then the X-Men movies happened and Wolverine kind of became the star of the show. Logan was always (to me) a badass supporting character in X-Men, not the lead. Isn’t the whole point of X-Men is that there isn’t really a lead character?

Anyhow, in a rather macabre twist, this is a figure of him being coated in adamantium. Which, from my understanding, is how he died. That’s a little dark don’t you think Loot Crate? I’ve got a solid metal version of a beloved character covered in adamantium just the way he was when he died. That would be like if I had a little JFK in Dallas playset. Only with a fictional character. Who will probably come back to life eventually anyways. So it’s totally different. This would have been a 3 but the fact that it’s heavy enough to weight train with brought another heart into the mix.

Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Metal Jurassic World Sign

The second of three (four if you count the pin) metal objects in this Crate is a warning sign from Jurassic World. This is great because it is basically 100% “in the world” of the movies. Nothing about this says “this is from a movie” and instead is “this is from a theme park that has dinosaurs”. Even the insert on the back is fully in touch with the setting and contains references to the safety procedures of Isla Nublar. It’s the little things that make me smile.

That being said, is this something I can put up in my home? Not really. I would definitely put this up on a fence out back. If I had a fence. You know what? I’m going to give this to someone I know who’s got a fence. They’ll love it.

Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥

Predator Face Bottle Opener

Everything is metal!

Story time. I might be one of the only people who spent any amount of time playing the AVP CCG in the late 90s. I bought 3 starter decks (Aliens, Predator and Space Marines) myself and also a pretty big pile of booster packs to customize them. I would then teach my friends how to play just so I could play this game. The basic gist of the game was that each player took control of a faction (groups of Xenomoprhs, Humans or a lone Predator) and tried to win. I love played Predator and there was a cool mechanic to simulate the stealth suit where you could move multiple tokens face down on the play area with only one having a marker underneath it. So the other players knew there was a Predator around but not exactly where it was. It was neat.

All that to say I loved the original Predator film and even the sequel is not the worst thing in the world. I honestly feel like Predators never got their big screen chance. Like, of the gritty sci-fi 80s movies (for the purpose of the argument I’m thinking Terminator, Alien, Robocop, Predator), Predator certainly didn’t get the skilled treatment that the others benefited from, despite their cool premise.

Now I can open beer!

Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Loot Smiley Ripper Pin

Also metal. I was pretty stoked by this pin. I showed it to Sarah excitedly and she was like “so what?” (more on that later). I was like “it’s a classic smiley face pin but with like a dinosaur or something ripping through it!” She did not care.

It kind of makes me think of the Comedian pin from Watchmen, but with dinosaurs. That’s cool enough for me! Also it unlocks comics! Always cool.

Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥

Primal Rage T-Shirt

The only item in the box that was not made of metal. You know, for a box that was themed around being “Primal” you would have thought maybe they would have stayed away from metal? Like, maybe a wooden claw or something organic? Ok, ok, so ore can be mined so I guess maybe that’s the point.

Anyways, as you can see, Sarah responded to this item with a resounding “Huh?”. I can’t really blame her. I think on the list of fighting games from my childhood Primal Rage ranks somewhere below Eternal Champions. However, I used to be subscribed to a few video game magazines and by golly did they advertise the HELL out of that game. I remember Primal Rage featuring prominently all over the place and my childhood mind equated that to mean that Primal Rage was going to be the “next big thing”.

Imagine my disappointment when I rented the game and discovered that it only had 7 characters and that two of them (Chaos and Blizzard because I had to look it up) are basically pallet swaps. This game never even had a sequel. Primal Rage 2 was cancelled mid-development.

So yeah, that’s a hell of stretch for a t-shirt choice Loot Crate. A game with only a single iteration from over 20 years ago. But at the same time, I applaud them for taking that chance. There’s something to be said about owning a shirt in 2017 for a relatively unsuccesful game that was released when grunge was still in style.

Happiness: ♥ ♥

So, overall, this was a half-decent crate for a theme that I really wasn’t too excited for. They managed to deliver stuff within the theme that made sense and for the most part was pretty cool. So kudos there.

Next month’s theme is “INVESTIGATE” and hot damn if the t-shirt is not related to Stranger Things I don’t even know what we’re doing anymore.

Keith does all sorts of things here on 9to5.cc, he works with the other founders on 9to5 (illustrated), co-hosts our two podcasts: The 9to5 Entertainment System and Go Plug Yourself and blogs here as The Perspicacious Geek.