1. "You have really big boobs."

Say what? I do? How could I have gone this long without knowing?! Thank goodness you told me! *Sigh*. Since they are physically attached to my body, yes, I already knew.

2. "Do you ever get back problems?"

I hope you're asking because you have a general concern for everyone's back problems, not just for ladies with big breasts. Does this mean you're offering me a free back massage? I'll gladly accept the offer, as long as it's in the form of a spa certificate and not from you personally.

3. "You should stand up straighter."

If I were to do that, I'd run the risk of poking someone's eye out, including my own. I'd also become a one lady wrecking ball, knocking over martini glasses, vases, jewelry displays, precariously situated files, and ill-fated mirrors. I've sent an entire rack of Anthropologie clothing flying with just one quick turn and a single boob.

4. "When you lie down, do they go to the side?"

Well considering they are real and we live in a world that abides by the laws of gravity, I would have to say yes. However, that's only the business of someone who finds themselves lucky enough to be next to me in bed … where we can explore the wonders of gravity together!

5. "Do they run in your family?"

Yes, they do. In fact, my father is human, but my mother is simply a pair of floating disembodied breasts. And so was her mother and grandmother before her! That is the true story of how I came to exist in this world. It's always more fun to tell strange tales than actually have to talk about my grandma's boobs.

6. "Why don't you have a big butt too?"

Well, you see my family heritage is primarily Russian and Eastern European where, genetically, women tend to… wait. I just remembered I don't have to answer this question. This is my body. Since I'm unable to converse with my own cells, let's just accept it the way it is.

7. "Is it hard to play golf?"

Yes, of course it's hard to play golf, because golf is an extremely difficult sport that takes a great deal of training, often from a young age. I would imagine it's also hard for you to play golf while you're staring at my boobs.

8. "What about mini golf?"

OK, yes, it's pretty much impossible to play mini golf because of my boobs. I have to get a club that's way too long for me, swing wildly and hope I eventually make contact with the ball. I end up hitting the ball well into the next game, if not completely off the course. Hm, that actually sounds impressive. Perhaps I should try my hand at real gold after all!

9. "That's a really great top!" [spoken directly to breasts].

This is a classic line among less creative bar patrons who think they're being creative by saying the word "top" when we know what they really mean. Also, it's a great excuse to stare at our boobs, which we will notice you doing. Every. Time.

10. "You look like Christina Hendricks/Sofia Vergara."

Even though you look nothing like either of these women, and they don't even look like each other, you get the comparison constantly. The best answer to give is, "Yes, thank you we do have the same exact eyes, thanks for noticing!"

11. "I bet you get frisked at the airport all the time."

I admire your originality in figuring out a way to say that you'd like to frisk me at the airport. I can assure you I never get frisked because I am quite efficient at making sure to remove all metal objects from my person prior to entering airport security. Especially from inside my bra, which is a great storage place for phones, sewing kits, flasks, small animals and many other objects that set off the alarm.

12. "I'm more of an ass-man myself."

Whether the statement is brutal honesty or a tactic from The Game, it's never something a lady with big boobs wants to hear. Just say, "Me too," and make him do a twirl for you before telling him his ass is sub-par and walking out the door.

13. "You probably hate running."

Actually, I love it! Thanks to improvements in sports bra technology, the only times I hate running are when I pass by a group of men who are compelled to comment on my body. Then I outrun them. Anyone who assumes you can't run because you have big boobs is probably stuck in a fantasy where you sit home and play with your boobs all day.

14. "If I were you, I'd just sit home and play with my boobs all day."

Really? I guarantee you'd get sick of it eventually and realize you have to leave the house, meanwhile coming to terms with the fact that you are a man who has somehow acquired a pair of breasts, then writing an epic novel about how difficult it is to be accepted in this world.

15. "How old were you when they came in?"

Gross! Stop thinking about me as a teenager! I don't even want to think about me as a teenager; it was painfully awkward for everyone involved. A woman would never ask a guy when his balls dropped, probably because not one woman gives a damn.

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