It's summer, so the cinemas are cluttered with films unfit for human consumption. CGI has ruined everything. Don't get me wrong: I love computer graphics. I thought Wall-E was brilliant. I'm even excited by the prospect of next year's Tron sequel. CGI is great when it has earned the right to be there. Kneejerk CGI action, however, is the single most tiresome development of the 21st century.

In 2007 I saw Die Hard 4.0 on the big screen. It was the 3,000ft computer-generated straw that broke the 3D camel's back. Towards the end of the film there's a lengthy sequence in which antediluvian tough guy Bruce Willis (played by Touché Turtle) hurtles along in an articulated lorry while a fighter jet tries to stop him by machine-gunning the entire world to pieces. The scene grows steadily more outlandish: huge sections of highway buckle and collapse; the truck swerves and tumbles and is literally shredded by bullets; Bruce leaps on to the back of the jet and leaps off just as it explodes in a massive fireball.

And it's boring. Unbelievably boring. At any given moment, only 17% of what you're watching is real, and you know it. You're not immersed in the slightest. At best you're impressed by the rendering of the smoke plumes. It would genuinely have been more exciting to replace the entire chase with a scene in which the bad guy made Bruce stand at one end of a bar and threatened to shoot him unless he successfully tossed a dried pea into a novelty Charlie Brown eggcup down by the toilet door before the alarm went off on his iPhone.

The second Transformers movie came out this year. I didn't fight for a ticket. I'd caught the first one by accident. It was like being pinned to the ground while an angry dishwasher shat in your face for two hours. Any human dumb enough to voluntarily sit through a second helping of that unremitting fecal spew really ought to just get up and leave the planet via the nearest window before their continued presence does lasting damage to the gene pool.

CGI isn't the only villain. On Friday, a remake of The Taking of Pelham One Two Three opened in British cinemas. The 1974 original is a brilliant, grubby little thriller; the perfect heist movie. The remake is directed by Tony Scott and stars Denzel Washington and John Travolta. Merely reading that sentence should be enough to give even the most blase film buff cancer of the enthusiasm.

Obviously, these are desperate times. With that in mind, here are three deceptively great movie ideas for Hollywood to pinch at its leisure:

Title Come Alive!

Synopsis God decides to grant evangelical preacher Will Ferrell the power to heal the sick with his fingertips. But the almighty's lightning bolt misses its target, hitting Will's penis instead. Now Will is cursed with the miraculous ability to cure any disease or fix any injury – but only if he has full sexual intercourse with the patient. Since Will is also a 45-year-old unmarried virgin with strong views on sex outside marriage, it won't be an easy ride!

Review What starts as a regulation gross-out comedy soon takes an unsettling turn as Will faces an agonising ­ decision at his father's deathbed, before building to a frankly unbelievable conclusion in which a terrorist cell releases the Ebola virus in the local donkey sanctuary . . . and only one man can save the day.

Title Hollywood Mosquito 3D

Synopsis Seizing on the current vogue for 3D Imax releases, Hollywood Mosquito 3D is a cinematic spectacle shot entirely from the point of view of a hungry mosquito flying around Los Angeles during a heatwave. Filmed with microscopic high-definition cameras, the action consists of eye-popping and shockingly frank sequences in which the naked, breathing bodies of your favourite Hollywood stars are transformed into immense, surreal landscapes: living canyons of flesh for you to fly over, around . . . even inside.

Review No blemish is left secret, no crevice goes unexplored, and absolutely no blushes are spared in this bluntly explicit thrill ride starring Harvey Keitel, Megan Fox, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Anjelica Huston, Mickey Rourke and Zac Efron.

Title Nic Cage: My Life as John Lennon the Cow

Synopsis In this groundbreaking experimental documentary and extreme "method acting" challenge Nicolas Cage spends an entire year living life as a cow – standing in fields, eating grass, crapping on all fours, with no human contact whatsoever. Having spent 365 days becoming fully immersed in the cow mindset, he is unceremoniously whisked to New York's Dakota building where he must simulate the last eight weeks of John Lennon's life while retaining his bovine perspective and continuing to wear his prosthetic hooves.

Review Cage's brave attempt to experience Lennon's final days through a cow's eyes offers a refreshing insight into the ex-Beatle's musical genius, as well as a hilarious scene in which, frustrated by his inability to play the chords to Jealous Guy thanks to his hooves, he angrily butts his head against the sideboard and drops a manpat on the carpet.

There you go, dream factory. Yours for the taking. And all I ask in return is an on-screen credit, an embroidered baseball cap, and $750m.