As people woke up on January 1st, 2018, President Bernie Sanders gave his first annual New Years Day state of the union address. In a retrospective of 2017, he thanked the American public for supporting him and vice-President Mueller in a ground-breaking bi-partisan ticket.

He praised our intelligence agencies for discovering foreign threats to our sovereignty and working with all the major social media companies to block fabricated news stories that had begun to surface in Russian-led attempts to disrupt national stability.

He cited several sources indicating the success of the Obamacare repeal. The single-payer system it was replaced with was literally saving millions of lives with proactive health screening programs and aggressive cost-cutting measures which prioritized public health over “free-market” driven bottom lines.

He thanked the influential world leaders who acknowledged the United States as the major driver in the reversal of man-made climate change.

He went on praising democratic and republican legislators for reaching across the isle to pass a tax-reform program that supports small-business owners, relieves pressure on the middle class, and shrinks the great divide between the poorest and richest of Americans, all while managing to keep the deficit in line.

He enthusiastically talked about how college enrollment is up dramatically as the new year rolls in, demonstrating the success of college tuition-reducing programs. A record number of doctors and engineers are predicted to enter the workforce in 2021.

His speech was concluded with a 21-gun solute from a united military which embraces its dedicated and courageous members who, free from gender-identity discrimination, are willing to risk their lives for a country they believe in.

In other news…

The nation’s reality-tv based dumbing-down of the public has finally been stunted by the imprisonment of Donald Trump in Guantanamo Bay over charges of high-treason, and Kim Jong Un continued to be recognized as the world’s most unstable leader.