(Picture: Dave Anderson/Metro.co.uk)

What if you sat across from a doctor and were casually told that you have no, low or slow sperm?

Then, while you’re trying to mentally digest this throwaway comment, you’re sent on your way with more questions than you had when you arrived, and even less support.

The world of fertility is very much geared towards women, despite research revealing 40-50% of fertility issues occur on the man’s side.

While the main tests on the NHS for men who are struggling to conceive is a chlamydia test and semen analysis (which measures the sperm count, mobility and motility), expensive fertility clinics offer a much wider set of tests – but not all couples can afford this.




And so, some are left without answers.

Not to mention how receiving the news can affect their mental health – once again a less spoken about area when it comes to men.

We hear first-hand from three men on what it’s like to deal with these struggles, and how they found themselves lost in a world with little to no help available to them, how they coped with it and why we need to talk more about infertility in men.

This week, we hear from James D’Souza, who has been trying to have a baby with his wife Davina since April 2011.

James’ story

James and his wife Davina have been trying for a baby since 2011 (Picture: James D’Souza)

After my wife Davina and I bought our house, we decided that we wanted to start a family.

We’d been trying for 18 months before we went for tests. At first, the semen analysis didn’t really show much, and my GP said everything was fine. But the second test showed my levels were at 0%, meaning I had no normally formed sperm.

To make matters worse, my wife was also then told she has a lower egg count than normal, and when you put these two together, the chances of us conceiving naturally are much lower than for the average couple.

We were recommended IVF. As there wasn’t any funding available in our area, we did two rounds privately.

Both failed.

The doctors told us they couldn’t give us an explanation as to why we weren’t conceiving. This on its own was really tough news, never mind the fact that there’s zero conversation around fertility for men.

As I sat in the clinic during our first round, I flipped through a book with messages of encouragement inside – but only for women. There was nothing for or by men.

So I went online and tried there instead. Still, it was all women and no men.

When I posted in forums I even had women reply on behalf of men.

After the failed IVF rounds, Davina and I considered our options and whether we should adopt, but we felt that the difficulty around adoption and the trauma that some of the kids go through would close the door on having our own children.



Instead, I started taking supplements to improve my morphology (sperm formation), which helped a bit.

But then we had another setback.

Davina had been experiencing really painful periods, and after pushing our doctor to investigate, a laparoscopy showed symptoms of endometriosis. This was in October 2016, more than two years after our initial appointment.

We became a bit more optimistic after one of her tube’s was unblocked, but still nothing.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

All through this, I was questioning my masculinity. I don’t smoke, drink or ride a bike, yet I couldn’t have a baby. Meanwhile, I knew plenty of non-healthy people who had children.

It was mostly anger and sadness on my part, all the feelings you might expect in this scenario. It wasn’t helped by the fact that whenever we went to appointments it was very much like I was just there – the conversation wasn’t directed at me.

I started to gradually ask questions just to assert my presence.

Eventually, I realised that being a man isn’t defined by having children, just as being a woman isn’t defined by it either.

It’s not even about tact, it’s ignorance. Most GPs don’t have a lot of knowledge on fertility in general, especially male fertility. When you go to a clinic and look at most of the machinery and equipment, you see that the area is for women.

I can understand it to an extent – women carry the child and are more invested physically, mentally and hormonally, but more and more these days the problem lies with the man.


The awareness is terrible and it’s compounded by the fact that there’s no space for us to talk.

Guys talking to guys doesn’t happen often. Guys talking to guys about fertility? That really doesn’t happen.

I’m lucky, because I have a great group of male friends and we’ve all done a lot of self-development work, so we’re able to articulate our emotions. Every year, we get together at a friend’s house in Somerset, sit around the fire and talk about everything from stupid banter through to sharing what’s going on in our lives, to expressing how much we love each other.

I think men want to talk, especially because whenever I do myself, people always tells me ‘I know someone who is having fertility problems’, which just shows how many couples are dealing with this.

A friend of mine is opening a barber in Primrose Hill, with the idea to turn it into a space where guys can have a real conversation.

Instead of just chatting about the usual – cars, sports, women, gadgets and money – imagine what it would be like if you could get a haircut and chat to your barber about stuff like feeling overwhelmed and admitting that things are really tough at the moment.

Last summer, Davina and I finally managed to speak to a GP who had worked in fertility and was able to write us a referral to have a third round of IVF, this one funded on the NHS.


It failed once again, so I was sent for a private DNA fragmentation test, not available on the NHS, while Davina was put on a course of steroids and we’ve kept trying ever since.

My own experience, although tough, isn’t just about fertility but about masculinity as a whole – I’m rebelling against the fixed version of what it means to be a man.

If you want to join the Men’s Fertility Support group on Facebook, you can find it here.

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