





AN INTRODUCTION TO ALTERNATIVE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CONSPIRACY THEORIES – (part 1 of 1,459,871,643)



Personally, I am very fond of Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories, and I’ve even got a few of my own. After all, it only takes a few minutes to invent these things.



Now, the sine qua non of any good Kennedy assassination conspiracy theory is that it must not reflect negatively upon Pretty Boy Prince Jack of Camelot, and it must not be overly anti-Communist, i.e., it must be expressed entirely within the frame of reference of left-wing liberalism.



For example, we sense instinctively that the following will simply never do:



a) Having firmly ensconced the Communists in power in Cuba using the same methods that proved so successful in China (placing an embargo on the sale of arms and ammunition to anyone fighting them), left-wing cells in the State Department dream of going on to bigger and better things in terms of even more extensive Communist subversion and treason. Finding themselves thwarted by Kennedy, a woolly-minded liberal but certainly no Communist, the President is eliminated by a team of State Department “black-op” specialists and an expendable fellow-traveller is framed for the crime.



b) Flushed with success over the “Cuban Missile Crisis”, JFK dreams of going on to bigger and better things with a “Missile Crisis” over Viet Nam. He is regretfully eliminated by patriotic elements in the CIA in the belief that this is the only way to avoid nuclear war -- sooner or later.



c) As the Belgian Congo collapses into chaos, with mass looting, terror, torture, murder, cannibalism and rape spreading throughout the country. JFK – despite his refusal to provide promised air support to Cuban refugees fighting at the Bay of Pigs – provides U.S. military aircraft and money to the U.N. in its illegal invasion of Katanga, the only peaceful province of the country -- a region with no linguistic or cultural ties to North Congo -- led by secessionist Moise Tshombe, the only black African leader anywhere on the continent who is a college graduate, an anti-Communist, and a Christian, enjoying the respect of both white and black. Tschombe declares he is " withdrawing from chaos" but is refused a visa to visit the US to plead his cause (although there are no legal grounds to exclude him), while Holden Roberto and other Angolan Communist guerrilla leaders are granted visas to visit the U.S. by special order of Robert F. Kennedy, although their entry is formally and explicitly barred by Federal law. Tshombe resists U.N. aggression for over two years with an army of Africans trained and led by European professional soldiers -- Tschombe's famous "white mercenaries" -- recruited from all over Africa and Europe, very few of whom ever got paid. The Katangan Air Force is destroyed on the ground by the U.N. in a sneak attack in violation of a truce in December 1962, after which the whole country is totally destroyed in an orgy of pillaging, looting and rape, a situation which persists to this day. JFK is eliminated by a 3 South Africans formerly employed by Tschombe in the Congo.







d) Chaos in the Congo quickly spreads to the adjacent Portuguese colony of Angola, where thousands of whites and Africans are raped, tortured and murdered in a few days, plunging the most poverty-stricken country in Europe into a full-scale war, fought for 13 years with great determination and courage, partly in the mistaken belief that the Americans would come to realize that both countries were fighting the same enemy, Communism -- the U.S.A. in Viet Nam and Cuba, and Portugal in Africa. JFK is eliminated by 3 Portuguese immigrants having lost their families in Angola.









[Note that the number “3” seems to be a sort of lucky number in these things.. - C.P.]



e) Same scenario as above: JFF is eliminated by 3 ex-members of the “P.I.D.E.”, Portugal’s dreaded “international “ secret police force, in the hopes that JFK’s successor would prove more anti-Communist.



f) Since JFK’s father was a bootlegger, it seems reasonable to assume that JFK enjoyed access to Mafia connections, as in fact he did. He is eliminated in a 10-million Mafia hit for welshing on a 200-million dollar gambling and prostitution deal in the Caribbean.



[COMMENT: Why the Caribbean? Because it is exotic, another sine qua non in these fairy tales. Besides, it sounds plausible. - C.P.].



g) That JFK’s sex life very much resembled that of dictator Sukarno of Indonesia (Sukarno suffered from sexual mania caused by terminal syphilis, and demanded to be furnished with 2 young women per day everywhere he went; since Sukarno was a big shot, the women were duly supplied), was no secret to anyone in Washington for 30 years, but was covered up by the Press. JFK is eliminated by 3 CIA agents just in time to thwart a KGB/Mossad blackmail plot gravely jeopardising American security.



h) Same scenario as above. JFK is eliminated by 3 government agents whose wives and/or daughters have been humiliated, abused and degraded by Kennedy.



i) Same scenario as above. He is eliminated by 3 Secret Service officers fed up with risking their lives so the President of the United States can screw around with prostitutes all over the country.



j) JFK’s pledge to put a “Man on the Moon by 1970” is perceived as a threat by space aliens planning to use the Moon as a base for an invasion of the Earth. JFK is eliminated by 3 space aliens assuming the form of human beings, and an inconsequential Earthling is left holding the bag. The invasion is called off when the aliens decide that Earthlings are simply not worth bothering with.



[COMMENT: Is this a joke? A reductio ad adsurdum? I don’t think so. Not when you read ALIEN AGENDA (subtitled THE UNTOLD STORY OF THE EXTRATERRESTRIALS AMONG US; other editions are subtitled INVESTIGATING THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL PRESENCE AMONG US), by Jim Marrs, one of the most successful kactologists in America (from K.A.C.T.U.S., “Kennedy Assassination Conspiracy Theorists of the United States”), author of CROSSFIRE, basis for the film “JFK” (by half-Jewish left-winger Oliver Stone), placing the film squarely in the “fiction” category. - C.P.].



So much for some “bad” JFK conspiracy theories. Now, let me show you how to turn a bad Kennedy Assassination Conspiracy Theory into a good one.



BAD – UNSALEABLE AND UNMARKETABLE:



“JFK’s collaboration with the A.D.L. and the Communists to destroy America through uncontrolled non-white immigration is perceived as a threat by patriotic elements within several government agencies, concerned with the probability of widespread infiltration, subversion and left-wing chaos arising as the result of such a policy. The first two brothers are eliminated by assassination, while the third – an alcoholic nincompoop and total non-entity – is simply left to destroy himself.”