Share Messenger Tweet reddit Email

A new study conducted by researchers at the New Orleans Institute of Health and Bail Bonds found that the consumption of garlic significantly reduces the risk of an individual catching COVID-19 (coronavirus).

The study, conducted at the Institute’s weekly crawfish boil this past weekend, found that even relatively moderate amounts of garlic consumption can decrease a person’s risk of catching coronavirus — up to 99.9% depending on the amount consumed — by creating a “force field” of sorts around the person.

Shields Up

Scientists say the body metabolizes the garlic and converts it into a defense mechanism that seems to somehow form a natural barrier around the individual enforcing auto-social distancing, a key element in “flattening the curve” of the virus.

“We already know that garlic is an amazing food with many proven health benefits. So, we decided to test it at the crawfish boil as a possible way to combat the coronavirus since nothing else seems to work at this time,” said Dr. Enos Paulk, head researcher of the study.

The crawfish boil, which saw 50 but NOT 51 people enjoy the gathering, provided over 200 pounds of crawfish including 50 pounds of garlic among other customary additions.

“Joe was the first to give it a try and he ate a whole frickin’ bulb of garlic. I tell you what, he ain’t catching any viruses any time soon because ain’t no one gonna wanna be around his smelly ass,” said Dr. Paulk.

The study found that when an individual ingests garlic the person develops a self-isolating barrier around their body that prevents anyone from getting any closer than 50 feet in diameter at minimum.

“I could smell him from the next room. No kidding. So we sent him home to work from there but mainly just to get him out of the office. He’s gone but his stench remains. We may have to sanitize the whole place, not because of coronavirus but because his ass is rotten. But it’s also a great finding for the study.”

The Odoriferous Blueprint to (gar)licking Coronavirus?

The study is important because it provides a blueprint for governing bodies on how to help citizens protect theirs, said lead author Dr. Shea Kitoff, the assistant lead researcher of the study who also handled gathering garlic for the crawfish boil.

“We’ve found that the more garlic you eat, the more powerful your safety barrier and the chance of catching COVID-19 drops by about 99.9%, which is great news for New Orleans since crawfish boils tend to include a lot of garlic,” Dr. Kitoff said.

“Eating a lot of garlic freely and without shame because of doctor’s orders also seems to release a tremendous amount of endorphins in the person’s brain, hormones that bring about feelings of euphoria and general well-being, which significantly increases happiness thereby vastly strengthening the immune system and further combating COVID-19.”