The Most Pointless Cryptocurrency Tokens Ever Invented

Just as Satoshi’s vision wasn’t 1,000 bitcoin forks, the vision of ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin wasn’t to decentralize the parenting industry. This year, an avalanche of ridiculous ERC20 tokens have been issued that take vaporware to the next level. From bananas on the blockchain to smart contract-based tombstones, these are the most pointless cryptocurrency tokens ever issued.

Also read: The World’s Worst Named Cryptocurrencies

Yo Dawg I Heard You Like Tokens

ICO Alert is a goldmine of ridiculous token-based projects, and by “goldmine” read “excruciating well of despair”. There aren’t enough facepalms to include all of the inane and insane tokenized offerings to be found on its pages. To save you from plummeting down that rabbit hole never to return, we’ve done the dirty work for you and rounded up a small selection from Token Hell.

Speaking of dirty work, the first entry on our list is Dirty Coin, a “fast and discreet way to pleasure”. Its white paper (oh yes, it has a white paper) begins, without a trace of irony:

In an atmosphere of increasing belief in quick profits, currencies that rely on gimmicks for their success are then abandoned. Dirty Coin will be the first cryptocurrency used for the Adult Industry, the Escort Industry and for means of pleasure.

As an antidote to all that filth, have Prayer Token, “sent to god and stored on the blockchain”. It’s an ERC23 token that’s backed by real prayer. “I don’t know if prayer works, but if it does, then you’re getting much more value out of a Prayer Token than almost every other token in existence,” its creator implores. “This is not a joke, scam, or grift. I will pray for you as honestly and sincerely as possible. Most other tokens on the market just want your money – I want to save your soul!”

Tokenize All The Things

Imigize is the “first online 3D shoe fitting service in the world”, a claim which comes as a complete surprise. In comparison, Useless Ethereum Token looks positively useful. It’s “a standard ERC20 token, so you can hold it and transfer it. Other than that… nothing. Absolutely nothing.” That didn’t stop UET from raising $40,000 in its ICO.

Operating under the slogan “Someone’s Garbage is Someone’s Treasure!” comes Trash Cash. It’s “the ultimate cryptocurrency to exchange all the garbage dumped in your wallet into a single token which can be traded in exchanges…now you can keep all the trash in one place”.

Then we have Sand Coin, a token for ordering high quality sand. Funds will be used to develop a sand quarry near Moscow. There’s also Milk Coin, another Russian token designed to raise funds for a milk production complex. Dentacoin is the world’s first blockchain project for the dentistry industry, Kevin (KVT) is “an innovative online banking service” and Cooocoin (count those o’s) is so bad it unironically uses comic sans on its website.

Maxitube is a robotized transport system for goods delivery. Apparently an “electric locomotive” will deliver goods to your address. Dopameme is a dank decentralized website where you’re rewarded for posting memes and The Memessenger is “the world’s first no-bullshit messenger with memes instead of words”. Sometimes there really are no words.

Choking On Tokens and Drowning in Decentralization

Satoshi Brewery is issuing a token to set up the largest regional craft brewery in north-west Russia and Florio is “the first blockchain based health platform that actually enables everybody to live healthy”, although how is never made clear. Exotown, meanwhile, is a reptile breeding program that specializes in selective breeding of pet reptiles and saving endangered species. Proof that the ICO game really is full of snakes.

Rexpax lets you “lend, borrow and share items with your neighbors”, but at the last check had sold just 220,000 of its 190 million Rexx tokens. More like Rekt, amirite? Without a blockchain-based lending service, how’s anyone meant to borrow a cup of sugar from their neighbor now?

Family Points is a token designed “to disrupt the parenting industry in order to make it safer, more convenient, and more transparent for everyone involved. The Family Points platform will make parenting cheaper.”

“Disrupt the parenting industry”?

Finally, we have Tombcare:

Today different applications have appeared for many spheres of life…taxi, food ordering, hotels booking, housing rent, etc. But the sphere of ceremonial services is still left in the basket. Perhaps this is due to the fact that it is often associated with sad circumstances, but the fact is that it is the billions of dollars market and its Uberisation is inevitable.

Uber for tombstones? That sound you just heard was your ancestors turning in their graves.

Most of the aforementioned ICOs are still running, incidentally, so if you hate money, you should probably invest in them.

And that’s enough internet for today.

What’s the worst token-based project you’ve heard of? Let us know in the comments section below.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock.

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