I’ve been having sex for a number of months now and have learned a thing or two about it. I decided to try it, just for the exercise of it, but have concluded it to be an enjoyable activity in its own right, especially when conducted with a woman.

But because I am only public school educated, I was not aware of some things pertaining to sex that I should previously have made strict note of. Namely, that by such an act of consecration - assuming you come at it from the right angle - you can actually force the hand of God to create a new and everlasting soul! I do wish somebody would have told me this beforehand! What power is this!

This my girlfriend, Christine, one week from due date.

Sex is important to the health of the human organism, it seems, and undeniably imperative, on the whole, to keep our species something of a going concern. In other words, it’s how we procreate. I do not want to go into the details of exactly how to do it (that’s nasty), but as I just returned the video to Redbox, after accruing some late fees that were to me economically calamitous and having the cops called on me once or twice, you can go pick it up and learn as I did.

What I want to talk about today, precisely, is how physical exercise with a kettlebell can make you into a better performer. Now, look, I readily admit I’m not the best in bed, but dammit if I’m not fast. And really, what I want you to get most out of this short little post is to learn how swinging a kettlebell, and doing a few other things with it here and there, can help you put the hanky back in hanky-panky. (That was a really bad paragraph.)

#1: Kettlebells Make You Bendy

All regions of your body, for the purposes of sex, should be entirely bendable, excepting only one if you be a male. Swings actively stretch you out as you do them, making them a sexual asset. So do goblet squats and Turkish get-ups, which both, too, serve to supple the hips. Few modalities blend strength, power, and mobility as seamlessly as do kettlebell training.

The depths of your sexual imagination, I submit, are limited in direct proportion to your mobility. Passive stretching is all well and good - so is all that crawling and “pressing reset” stuff, all very good stuff. But the progressive, active, and loaded stretching made possible through the ballistic and grinding kettlebell movements, I’ve found to be very nearly unbeatable.

#2: Kettlebells Give You Wind

A good coach once said to me, “Sometimes you will lose because your opponent is better than you. That just happens. But never should you lose because your opponent is better conditioned than you.” While I do not often consider my partner in sex to be my opponent, per se, I believe this advice still loosely applies. Because it is not mannerly to peter out in the middle of it, I’ve found, and it can even get you into some trouble. As well, it makes you look inexperienced.

So I have taken a small liberty and devised a kettlebell complex (of which I have many) to grant you supreme sexual capacity, or something like that. Run a as many quality round of this as you can in fifteen minutes, a couple times a week, and you will be so vigorously conditioned as is the Energizer Bunny. The complex calls for two bells of unequal size, because what do you ever lift in sex that is perfectly symmetrical, I want to know.

I use, in this complex, a 24kg and a 16kg, respectively:

1 x double swing

1 x double press

1 x front squat

2 x double swing

2 x double press

2 x front squat

3 x double swing

3 x double press

3 x front squat

#3: Kettlebells Teach You How to Use Your Hips

The kettlebell swing is a very close approximation, if you ask me, to sex - assuming I’m doing it right (not the swing, I know I’m doing that right). To produce and reduce force from the hips, that’s what it teaches you. I say, this sounds somewhat useful, now doesn’t it?

This is why I keep a 24kg bell bedside, and prior to the engagement work in a set of ten, to get the pattern grooved, and to show off a little bit.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr.