Aside from celebrities, most people who have to go on the gluten-free diet actually gain weight. I say most people, because if you’re one of those who give up gluten and also give up gluten substitutes (see: Cyrus, Miley), you’re probably going to drop a few pounds. That, my friends, is called the Atkins Diet. But if you’re like me, and the only thing you can think about when told you can no longer eat delicious gluten is “I need CAKE,” then you’re probably going to reach for another grain to create that cake. And if you want a delicious substitute, you’re probably looking at rice and corn flours and starches galore.

As with all things in life, delicious = bad for you. But who are we kidding? Wheat flour is super bad for you if you’re Celiac or intolerant, and rice flour is better. But in the weight gain, calorie-counting world, it’s actually worse. I try to avoid that world, but it has an annoying way of sneaking up and biting you in your jiggly ass. The Sneaky Chef lady laid it all out for us with her slide show so you can see how your gluten-free hamburger bun, pasta, and even English muffin are packing way more calories and fat than the wheat versions. Warning: This slide show may make you cry.

Gluten-free processed flours are way more calorie and fat laden than wheat. So maybe don’t eat that unless you want to bulk up. However. When you’re told that you have to eliminate something from your diet, your first reaction usually isn’t, “Great! So what else can I cut out?” I, for one, am continually in search of how to most closely mimic that gluten that I used to enjoy so much. Do you see that picture of gluten-free chicken fingers and mac and cheese? Are you holding yourself back from the Velveeta just thinking about this? Did I just give away much too much of my inner fantasy life? The sad fact is, you’re not going to get that super yum taste by using a low-fat soy flour to make your cookies.

Listen, I know that I can’t eat gluten-free desserts and fried food every day and expect to maintain that super skinny gluten-eating body that also, incidentally, made me think I was dying of cancer. I know that whole foods that are naturally gluten-free are the healthiest things to eat — probably for those gluten lovers as well.

Until then, I’m just going to have to pretend I don’t hear people talking about how they’re in such great shape since going gluten-free. And resist the urge to shove a gluten-free muffin in that yapper.

Did you give up all carbs when you gave up gluten? So, you’re skinny now, right?