I’ve decided to assign a song from Run the Jewels 2 to each player on the Philadelphia 76ers. This is going to be one of those indie pop culture articles that like four people are going to get. That’s cool though because those four people are probably awesome and I would like to be their friend. It also gave me another excuse to listen to RTJ2, as if it wasn’t bumping constantly in the Prius already.

If you don’t know already, the Philadelphia 76ers are in the middle of a rebuild. They are really bad at basketball. I love them.

If you don’t know about EL-P and Killer Mike’s Run the Jewels 2, then you should go download it now. It’s free. It’s dope. It’ll also make you want to bodyslam anything in your way so be careful.

So here is goes. Songs in order:

JEOPARDY — Tony Wroten and MCW

Oh man, they really go hard on this first song. No one in the history of the world has ever said, “I’m finna bang this bitch the fuck out!” and then just rolled over and shown their bitch side. And if there’s anyone on this team that’s not scared to dribble right through an entire defense and throw down a monster dunk and mean it, it’s our combo guard Tony Wroten. Wroten plays with a chip on his shoulder and it shows with his relentless attacks at the rim, “I’m putting pistols in faces at random places like, Bitch give it up or stand adjacent to Satan…,” insane crossovers “The closest representation of God you might see…,” and his desire to never go with the easy pass, “I live for the thrill of the kill, yes it excites me…” That’s Tony. And while last year he was considered the worst shooter in the league, this year has been different. He’s been running the point in MCW’s absence and he’s playing more controlled while his shooting is way better. Yeah, it’s a little too early to call him a part of our longterm future, but as Wroten probably feels, “You know your favorite rapper ain’t shit, and me, I might be…”

There’s been a lot of slick talk about the reigning Rookie of the Year Michael Carter Williams. He’s heard all the the, “Well it was a weak rookie class,” and all the, “Those are just inflated stats,” and the all time nonsensical straw man argument, “But he’s learning how to lose!” Nah son. MCW is gonna be the real deal and he knows it. So while in his young career he’s, “Been smothered and brashly muffled by hucksters of global spin,” he knows he’s coming back to prove those neigh sayers wrong and warn them that, “Maybe you should be careful when flipping a stranger’s switch.” And while MCW likes wearing them bright sports coat, he’s put on 15 lbs. this offseason and we about to witness how, “The kitten became a lion that look at your face like great food…”

Jeopardy sets the tone for what this album is. Wroten and MCW set the tone for our team and, “That’s why we got the people behind us…”

2. Oh My Darling Don’t Cry — Alexey Shved and Luc Mbah a Moute

The Sixers traded Thad Young, arguably their best player, to the Minnesota Timberwolves this offseason for a draft pick. These two players, “…there’s one black, one white, we shoot to kill…” are considered the veterans on our team since they’re the rare player on our team that has actually played more than one year in the league.

Mbah a Moute is an actual NBA player. He’s survived in this league for seven years with his wing defense and he seems to be a high character guy. Hailing from Cameroon, Mbah a Moute actually was instrumental in getting our first round pick, Joel Embiid, into the game of basketball. It’s no secret that a big reason for acquiring him was to help mentor Joel as he’s rehabbing a foot injury this year. Hopefully the fact that he’s, “been around the block, babe, I know a few facts…” will help Embiid transition well into the league. And considering that he flew with Embidd back to Cameroon after Joel lost his little brother in a tragic accident, it seems apparent that these two have a bigger bond outside of just basketball.

Shved is an interesting pick up. He showed so much promise his rookie year and during the Olympics that his regression his ssophomoreyear might be an outlier rather than the norm. With his poor shooting percentage in Minnesota, it’s no secret that he’s, “been a better bad guy than [he’s] been better than bad.” But some say his issues are more mental and while he’s trying to change his face and be happy, maybe he’s just got a, “Heart full of pain and a head full of havoc,” and he’ll never get it together. Either way, as a reclamation project, getting a 25 year old Shved as back up PG for this team is fine. Also, there’s always a need for a Russian with a history of hysterical hair styles. “Oh my,” indeed.

3. Blockbuster Night, Part 1 —Jeremi Grant, Chris Johnson, JaKarr Sampson, Malcolm Thomas

“But I ain’t here for durations, I’m just taking vacations. And tell ‘em fuck ‘em, I never loved them and salutations…”

This team is filled with guys that probably won’t be on the team once we get good. These guys are on the team now, but I wouldn’t hold my breathe that they last past this year. But who knows? Maybe one of two of them start playing well enough to stick around. Hollis Thompson did and now looks to be a legit NBA player. Hinkie gets these guys that show potential and thinks, “…We might be giants, standing on little dandy shoulders..” But then again, I wouldn’t be surprised if they all, “…disappear in the smoke like we’re fucking magicians…”

4. Close Your Eyes (And Count to Fuck) = Nerlens Noel

“Conditions create a villain, the villain is givin’ vision, The vision becomes a bow to seek vengeance on all the vicious…”

Oh man, after a year on the sidelines, Nerlens Noel is finally free to play in front of all the loyal fans that had to wait an entire year for him just to watch as, “…We killing em for freedom cause they tortured us for boredom.” And I’m pretty sure when it comes to him protecting the rim his mentality is on some, “…and even if some good ones die, fuck it, the Lord will sort ‘em.” He’s been anxious to play and that desire has been feeding him to get on the court. He’s still a rookie, so there’s the expected issues with his basketball IQ. But his instincts are there and already show. Fitting that this song’s chorus is “Run them jewels fast, run them, run them jewels fast…” because one of Noel’s strengths is his ability to get steals. And I bet opposing players driving to the basket see Nerlens and think that their lane is closing faster than the caskets and factories that Zack De La Rocha raps about.

5. All My Life = KJ McDaniels

KJ is quickly becoming a lot of Sixer’s fans favorite player. Hinkie really ran the jewels of the other NBA GM’s with the steal of the draft. McDaniels, a first round prospect in many peoples eyes, slipped to the second round. For whatever reason, McDaniels has been constantly looked over and over again. But he’s always played his ass off and continued improving while singing, “I been this way, shorty, all my life.” His free throw percentage increased every year in college and so far his ability to hit the three is looking good. So it’s pretty clear that he’s gonna be more than just a leaper. He lead the ACC in blocks his last year in college as a small forward. Think about that for a second. A small forward from Clemson averaged more blocks than anyone else in any position. Then again, KJ, “…Got an anti gravity, a nigga stay floatin…” and during ally-oops I image him thinking, “I’m so high you a hobbit…” That hobbit was Mo Harkless.

6. Lie, Cheat, Steal — Brandon Davies

“They love us, they love us (why?) Because we feed the village. You really made it or just became a prisoner of privilege?”

Last year the Sixers were a tanking village and Brandon Davies was its primary source of nutrition. Undrafted, there was only one reason for Davies to play last year: For a team needing loses, Brandon Davies and his missed ally-oops was your guy. Maybe at some points Davies connected with El-P when he said, “Should of been a dentist, mom said it.”

But there’s a new Davies in town and he’s a monster. Ok, not really a monster, but for a guy that in preseason was praised by Coach Brown for his ability to somehow not get cut, Davies has been able to, “Lie, cheat, steal, kill, win, win,” his way to playing meaningful minutes and looking like a real rotational player. And with Embiid, Noel, and Saric slotted as cornerstone big men for our team, could Brandon Davies hustle his way into being, “the man behind the man behind the man behind the throne?”

7. Early — Pierre Jackson

“Heard it go pop… Go to home, go to sleep, up again, early…”

We traded for Pierre Jackson at the draft and he got hurt before he even played. The Sixers gave him a year of salary and then cut him after Jackson blew out his Achilles during Summer League. It was clearly a wink wink deal to help with his rehab and by most accounts they’ll probably sign him again once he’s healthy (this also freed up a roster spot). I’m sad because I like Jackson. Get well PappyJack. #TheySleep

8. All Due Respect — Arnette Moultrie

“High or the highway…”

Moultrie was the last guy on our team that Doug Collins drafted. Right before roster cuts, he got traded and then released by the Knicks in a salary dump. Oh, and last year he got suspended for smoking weed. Get it? He could either chose to get high or hit the highway. (Look, this shit seemed way easier before I realized there’s not much to work with with this roster. Sometimes you just gotta go with the easy one, OK?)

9. Love Again (Akinyele Back) — Joel Embiid

Love Again (Akinyele Back) is a dirty song. It’s almost a little too dirty for me (I’m over thirty and live with my girlfriend. We shop at Wholefoods on the reg). But for a 20 year old kid that’s trying to slide into girl’s DM’s, this song is perfect for our future franchise center, Joel Embiid. If you’ve followed his twitter account (and if you don’t, I have no fucking idea how you made it this far in this bullshit Sixers article) then you know Joel loves women. But like he’s been known to tweet once a week, these girls ain’t loyal man and this song pretty much proves that. Joel better be careful out there. He confessed that he was still a virgin in college but now that’s he’s out in the real world and he’s got millions, he better watch out for those girls that slide in his DM’s scheming, “That nigga is a pro, you ain’t know?” So let’s just hope he’s careful when he meets that girl that can claim, “I was the one who turned that boy into a motherfucking man,” and just try to play it cool and be safe if she says, “Let’s have an orgy, I’mma share your ass with all my friends…” Advice: Don’t send dick pics. These girls ain’t loyal man!

10. Crown — Sam Hinkie

“Told me to prove to them what I was worth

We’ll teach you to move without mercy and give you the tools to go after the causers of hurt.

You’ll become death,

You will take breath,

This is for everything you’ve ever loved

Use all the pain that you’ve felt in your life as the currency go out and trade it for blood,

You are not you,

You are now us,

We are the only ones that you can trust,

You’ll become fear,

They’ll become dust,

Before this moment you didn’t mean much,

You are the smoldering vessel of punishment born to do nothing but justify us,

Give us your empathy we’ll give you lust,

Let yourself go my son time to grow up,

Give up your childish obsession with questioning,

Anything we don’t tell you is irrelevant,

Everything you’ve ever been is replaced by the metal and fire of the weapon you clutch…”

Holy shit is that perfect for Sam Hinkie.

For a long time, Hinkie worked under Daryl Morey and “…carried the flag in some other men’s name.” Now this team is his and he’s doing it his way. Hinkie knows there’s only one way to wearing the crown: Acquire a superstar. Since taking over the team less than 18 months ago, Hinkie has made every move with that in mind. The Jrue trade, gutting the roster, acquiring more picks, and drafting Embiid and Saric have all been attempts are getting that player or two that can be a superstar.

And Hinkie sure has a cult following amongst Sixer’s fans. But there’s also a bunch of idiots that think he’s “not a basketball guy” and all that other nonsense that doesn’t have any weight to it. But it still is a huge obstacle to face. Tanking this obvious and open has never been done before. This process is something that requires a ton of trust. It’s not easy going through years of a rebuild and Sixers fans have to be, “Down with the shame...” And Hinkie is up front with this pain and he’s been clear that this is the best way forward and he’s doing his best to bring a championship to Philadelphia. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Hinkie listens to this song every night right before bed. As a Sixer’s fan, I know I sure do.

“Can’t pick up no crown, Holding what’s holding you down…”

In Hinkie We Trust.

11. Angel Duster — Coach Brett Brown

“In every holy book it says we suffer, that’s what it is. So riddle me this: From the womb to the tomb, why do we fight to live?”

Poor Brett Brown. How you going to go from standing next to Pop and then trying to teach a bunch of guys that probably won’t be in the league in a few years? Brett Brown was one rebound away from another ring and then signed up to coach Kwame Brown. That poor dude.

But Coach Brown has been great. He’s constantly reminding people not to feel sorry for him and that he signed up for this rebuild. And he’s got the team playing hard and with lots of energy and excitement so who cares that, “We’re still here running around screaming, They’re still here pointing and laughing.” But Brown has a plan and it’s been showing so far with the improvements guys like Tony Wroten and Brandon Davies have shown this off season. And compaing Nerlens Noel’s shooting form from college to now, you know Brown is good at what he does. And what happens if this whole thing works? Well, I bet Coach Brown will tell you that they are even more proud than you could imagine since they, “…Defeated the odds, went to war with the gods, Earned all our scars, and came back straight…”

Bonus Track: Tougher Colder Killer — Jason Richardson

Jason Richardson is so old that he played in the league before Run the Jewels officially formed as group. So he gets Tougher Colder Killer, an earlier collaboration from El-P and Killer Mike from El-P’s Cancer For Cure. Also, the chorus kind of sounds like they are saying, “Older,” instead of “Colder,” so that kind of works since JRich doesn’t really play and is just old now. But them Slam Dunk Competitions dog? Dude’s all good in my book.

Double Bonus Track: Big Beast — Dario Saric

I chose this song because it’s the most awesome song from Jaime and Mikey and Dario Saric is going to be the most awesome player and I don’t care what you think because Saric’s going to be Jordan and I’m not settling for Pippen. THE HOMIE DARIO SARIC!!!