Christian Benteke has launched an astonishing attack on his former employers. The striker scored twice on his return to Anfield, all but ensuring Crystal Palace’s survival while denting Liverpool’s top 4 ambitions.

Shitebags

“Take that you stinking Scouse shitebags,” the Belgian told Soccer on Sunday. “Sell me? The Bentekster? Well how do you like them apples, you scum-sucking pox bottles. Want to buy me back? No problem. Just double my wages and form an orderly queue to suck my giant, hairy Belgian balls.”

Disappointed

Liverpool captain James Milner is disappointed with his former teammate’s comments.

“It’s unfortunate,” the former England international told Soccer on Sunday. “I think Benny will be disappointed when he’s had a chance to listen back to his comments. It’s never nice when a former teammate invites you to suck their balls, hairy or shaven. And the lads didn’t appreciate him bursting into the home dressing room screaming ‘Well Well Well’ over and over while dancing The Running Man. Benny’s lacked a bit of class there, to be fair.”

Klopp

A downbeat Jürgen Klopp admits that defeat to the Londoners has become a theme.

“Why do we even bother playing Palace?” the German told Soccer on Sunday. “We know they’re going to dunk their hairy balls in our mouths — or shaven balls. Hairy or shaven, is not important. May as well just hand them the 6 points in August. At least we’d avoid injuries. Now someone hand me that sock filled with snooker balls and tell Dejan to meet me in the boiler room.”