EAST End economists have warned that the UK’s debt stands at 353bn monkeys, or 176.5bn bags of sand.

The financial analysts born within earshot of Bow Bells have gone on to forecast that unless immediate action is taken then the country’s future is in a right two-and-eight.

Martin Bishop of Whitechapel said: “It’s going up by a bullseye a second. That’s right out of order.

“There are mugs out here getting not much more than a deep sea diver an hour for knocking themselves out. And the government ain’t got a scooby doo.

“They want to get the average wage up to at least a pony if they’re going to stimulate the economy or this country’ll be coals and coke and short of a sheet. Alright?”