A Guide on how to save a relationship

Have you ever wondered how to save a relationship from failing? Especially if it’s your own or your parents?

In the new age we live in, I realized the power of using the word “we” has rapidly reduced itself from society. More people are becoming comfortable by only thinking of themselves before considering society needs as a whole.

Especially with the rise of technology and social media embarking our lives. We’re slowly becoming a society that’s learning how to bond with our phones and computers rather than with another person. Just the other day when I was with my friends, our eyes remained on our phones most of the time we spent together.

But how does this reflect towards a relationship?

By many factors. For instance, it’s difficult having a healthy relationship if you’re constantly spending more time thinking of yourself rather than your partner. It’s why we start wondering things such as how to “save a relationship,” when it’s heading towards a dark path.

A psychologist named John Gottman did a study of 3000 married couples by examining their daily lives and small habits that increases the likelihood of divorce. And what he found was one VERY important question that heavily determined if a couple would remain together after they married. That question was:

“Are the small, everyday behaviors of each partner focused on we or me?”

As complex as marriage is, there’s one vital aspect that always determine whether it’ll end in a divorce. The more decisions we make by using the , “me,” mindset, the closer we approach a conflicting relationship.

It’s tempting to make major decisions on our own because it’s human nature to desire independence and have a freedom of choice. However, while in a marriage, a continuous habit of this behavior will send it towards a self- destructive path.

What makes it worse is that constantly using the, “me” factor usually doesn’t end the relationship within the first couple months. Like a seed, it takes years, usually around 7, before someone in the marriage gets tired and bothered by their partner’s self-behavior.

In reality, despite how funny Family Guy and the Simpsons are, there would be around a 93% chance that after 7 years, both married couples would end in a divorce.

So why do you keep mentioning 7 years?

Another study performed by John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson was a case study of predicting when couples would divorce during a 14-year period. They used an accumulation of studies done by psychologists in the past that already proved the first 7 years were the most crucial for a marriage survival, and went further to find the root cause of divorce.

What they discovered was that couples who had the “me” mindset tended to act more selfishly and negative towards their partner during the early stages of their marriage. This would then cause the marriage to slowly crumble due to constant arguing on a day-to-day basis. Other forms of using the “me” factor would be one partner committing adultery, neglecting their partner emotions, or physical and mental abuse.

If a married couple have children, there’s a greater chance that they would remain together until the children reached their teenage years. They make the marriage work not through love, but through an external commitment they decided to stick to for a duration of time.

However, if a couple doesn’t have any children or external commitments (such as debt or a mortgage), they were more likely to get a divorce under 7 years.

But is the “me” mindset really that harmful? After all, we need confidence and self-esteem.

In a way there isn’t no definite right and wrong answer. We need to have a little bit of both when going about our lives whether we’re married or not. Our self-esteem requires a healthy balance such as yin and yang or peanut butter and jelly.

You need reassurance in your abilities to make decisions on your own but not to a point where it seems narcissistic. For example, you don’t want to make a major decision such as buying a car or worse, a huge real estate property without discussing it with your spouse first.

When we make decisions that involves income, it damages the trust we formed with our partner. However, for small decisions such as buying a new video game or choosing a restaurant to dine at, obviously you don’t need any consent from your spouse. (Unless you’re on a tight budget to where luxury spending is extremely limited).

Is it our fault that we think of ourselves more than other people?

It’s not necessarily our fault for the reason we think the way we do today. Nearly every choice or decision we make is directed by self-interest because it’s universal. Even when we help others, we have a form of self-interest to either feel positive, show off, or receive some kind of reward or praise.

This is known as Ethical egoism (in other words, the motivation to do something that points towards the greater good despite the gains we get for ourselves.)

But we must admit that a majority of the population is losing a chunk of their natural urge to help others. In today’s society, we’re growing into a population that’s quickly becoming more narcissistic than people in the 1920s.

With growing trends such as selfies, reality shows, and advertisements, we can’t help but reflect on ourselves more often. When we watch television, we compare ourselves to those we admire. When we see someone become rich while we’re struggling, we bicker why we never have the same luck.

Since childhood, we’re forced to constantly compare ourselves to other people not only in our family, neighborhood, or school. Now we worry about the rest of the world as we gaze at models and movie stars who seem to have the perfect bodies. So it’s only natural that we easily get into the habit of thinking with the mindset of, “me” more often.

What sets a person away from truly becoming a narcissist is when they start lacking empathy, which is the ability to feel another person’s perspective of emotions. It’s how we’re able to bond with other people who’s dealing with difficult or happy times.

Does that mean I’m a narcissist if I don’t feel sorry for someone?

Not necessarily because it could range from a variety of factors affecting them. It might be bitterness, depression, anger, or raising their shield to avoid vulnerability.

What sets true narcissists apart from the rest of the world is the lack of amygdala inside their brain. What is amygdala? It’s the source of our emotions that lets us feel empathy, remorse, guilt, and happiness. I just wouldn’t advise visiting a local Doctor to remove it from your brain when going through a breakup.

Another nickname normally given to those who lack amygdala is psychopath. Our first thoughts about psychopaths might point towards serial killers who were known to have this trait, but there are many well-functional psychopaths living among us. In fact, many professionals eventually discover they fit in this category. An example would be a Neuroscientist who discovered he was a psychopath.



The only, and major difference, is the fact they’re able to restrain those dark impulses and oftentimes, become very successful in their career. Such as the brain scan done on the right, there is a clear difference between a normal person’s brain and a psychopath’s.

But that doesn’t mean the rest of society isn’t experiencing a new change of behavior towards self interest. In Jean Twenge book, Generation Me, she performed a case study that revealed 58% more college students scored higher on a narcissism scale in 2009 than in 1982. It seems after every decade, our population desire for self-interest intensifies because we’re taught to think thoughts like

“My Looks are important.”

“My income has to be high.”

“I have to become famous.”

“I have to be married to the perfect person.”

“I have to become popular.”

“I need to date this person to be happy.”

I think you get the point. There’s dozens of reasons we actually need something for ourselves such as survival and our well-being. For example, we need to ask ourselves important questions such as,

“What am I going to do with my life?” “How do I see myself as a person?” “Am I improving myself in something?” “Am I where I want to be at in life?”

How can I save a relationship with this knowledge?

You have to drop the habit of using the word “me” as much as you do now. While we were single or dating, using the power of “me” is greatly used to build our lives together and form our character.

However, it’s when we get married that combine our goals, strategies, and dreams together. Don’t think of this new adaption as losing your freewill or abandoning your future, but as a progress to truly unify a marriage.

When you think about every tragic event we had in history, haven’t you noticed that society tends to stop thinking of themselves and start joining together as a country. We start forgetting the small arguments and anger we had for one another because we see a bigger picture.

It’s when a city, state, or country face trouble times when they find the power of “we” more powerful than “me.” It gives others the strength to get through their stress and as a result, make a stronger relationship.

Such as those emotional moments we have with society, we need the same type of support in a marriage. If we think more about ourselves than our partners, it makes us blind to notice when they need our support.

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he goes about 7 methods that a married couple should use to maintain a long-lasting relationship.

What makes his teachings effective and highly recommended is the way he gathered his knowledge. Each of his methods were heavily researched by him and his colleagues after interviewing married couples about a variety of relationship problems. After finishing his thorough research, he came to the conclusion that you need to:

1. Enhance your love maps

Rather than focusing on the big moments in a marriage, pay attention to the small, feasible actions that happen daily. Try understanding your spouse rather than attacking them with your worries and anxieties. The more you try to understand their desires and emotions, the more they’ll make an attempt to do the same.

2. Nurturing fondness and admiration

This is when you reflect on the good parts on not only your marriage, but your relationship as a whole. It’s easy to conjure up the times they made you angry or stressed, but recall those moments you fell in love with them. If it helps, get a piece of paper and write a list of reasons you appreciate him or her.

3. Turning toward each other

Emotionally attend to your spouse when they’re in dire need for attention and support. You should know your spouse almost as well as yourself. So if you see you’re husband or wife not acting their usual self, spend time with them and don’t necessarily assert the problem at first. Just send them into a relaxed mood that will naturally make them want to tell you about their problems.

4. Accepting influence

Avoid making big decisions on your own. Take into account for what your partner has to say about the decision and arrive to the same conclusion together. By going behind their back and deciding what’s best without their input places the relationship in a dangerous level due to a lack of trust.

5. Solving solvable problems

When you do get into an argument with your spouse, don’t attack each other with petty insults that lead to anger and bitterness. Instead, assert the problem by avoiding criticism and going straight to the source. If a married couple ignore the main reason they’re arguing, their anger escalates to a point they start poking at each other’s faults.

6. Overcoming gridlock

This is a common problem that isn’t a long way from making a divorce or breakup happen. It’s when someone builds a solid wall of solitude in front of their partner by simply ignoring their opinions and remaining angry with them.

The main cause for this behavior is usually related to a lack of forgiveness, which damages the relationship and eventually breaks it apart. This means we can’t be afraid to lower our shields and forgive someone for what they’ve done; or at least meeting them halfway to find a solution to saving the relationship.

7. Creating shared meaning

We need structure and balance when we’re in a committed relationship. This means creating an inner life together where you both have a set of roles to complete on a daily basis. And this doesn’t only mean minor roles such as determining who pays the bills, take care of the children, or wash the dishes.

What makes a marriage different than a dating couple is that you’re no longer building a life by yourself. You’re mixing together your spiritual and personal life with them too. You become a “we” versus a “me,” by learning how to build each other dreams.