What would happen if instead of living action heroes (or in the case of Mickey Rourke half-living ones) the Expendables movies were populated by dead action heroes? Everyone would be really creeped out, for one thing. And for another thing…The Expendables would be 10,000 times more awesome.

Don’t get me wrong: I like a good Sylvester Stallone shoot-em-up as much as the next person. I grew up in the ‘80s. Seeing Rambo: First Blood Part 2 in the theater was one of my formative experiences as a movie-goer. Which probably explains why I’m such an angry, messed-up person. But like I was saying, I’ve got nothing against Sylvester Stallone. I do however have a bunch of things against his co-stars, the main one being that most of them suck and aren’t worth watching.

I’m sorry but I just can’t get that into Jason Statham. I know he’s supposed to be cool and everything but he just leaves me wondering what the fuss is about. And most of the rest of Sly’s supporting cast is equally dull. Who the hell IS Randy Couture anyway? He’s big and burly but his name sounds like a fashion designer who gets blood thrown on him for using fur. That confuses my brain.

Thankfully Expendables 2 has a much more awesome cast than Expendables 1. There’s Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme now, and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis in bigger roles. Large improvement over the no-names who filled out the roster of The Expendables. However, even this veritable Murderers’ Row of action icons would not stand a chance against the roster I have in mind for my all-dead Expendables film. And the name of this sure-fire cinematic masterpiece that exists only in my mind?

The Expired-Ables. What else?

No doubt, my Expired-Ables action movie dream cast would wipe the floor with the Expendables. They would break their arms like twigs, rip out their windpipes with their bare hands, crush their skulls and use laser-vision to burn off their man-bits (which would probably be overkill after the skull-crushing). And a few of them can actually act. Which is a bonus.

The All-Star All-Dead Expired-Ables Dream Cast Of My Dreams

John Wayne as The Iconic One Who Bosses Everyone Else Around

Every bad-ass elite commando unit needs a leader. Who better to lead the Expired-Ables than the grand-daddy of all action heroes, Marion Robert Morrison himself? In case you don’t know that’s the real name of John Wayne. The Duke starred in literally millions of Westerns, becoming intimate with millions of horses in the process. Over the course of all these Westerns, he pretend-shot literally tens of millions of Italian dudes dressed up as Indians (and real-shot a few of them but that was always the prop guy’s fault). And he could play a modern-day soldier too as he proved in the truly dreadful pro-war flick The Green Berets. With Wayne in charge, my commando unit will be the walkinest, talkinest, Indian-shootinest, Commie-hatinest bunch of SOBs you ever saw. Pilgrim.

Errol Flynn as The One The Ladies Like

Errol Flynn liked the ladies and the ladies liked Errol Flynn. And you know what else Errol Flynn liked? Tights. He wore them in almost every movie, and he wore them well. Whether he was playing Robin Hood, a pirate, a swashbuckler or a raider of the high seas, Flynn’s package always looked good. He couldn’t act a lick, as he himself readily admitted, but thankfully acting isn’t a qualification for admission into the Expired-Ables. All you need is a talent for shooting stuff, be it with a gun or a bow or a penis. And you must be incredibly manly and have a very manly name. And with Flynn in the gang, the Expired-Ables will never have to worry about scoring tail. He knows the addresses of the best hookers in every major city on earth. And also the best opium dens.

Bruce Lee as The Asian One Who Doesn’t Talk Much And Likes Kicking Faces

What would an elite culturally-diverse commando unit be without a martial arts expert who seems weird and mysterious because he’s Asian and doesn’t talk much? It would be much less effective and also way too chatty. Oh, and it would be far less cool. Enter Bruce Lee, also known as The Dragon. Not only does he improve the diversity quotient and lower the volume, he raises the kick-ass meter…by kicking it in the ass. But asses aren’t the only thing Bruce kicks. He also kicks faces. You won’t see him shooting guns though. Guns are far too uncivilized for this practitioner of the ancient killing arts. He prefers the much more civilized approach of driving his foot into the bridge of a person’s nose, breaking the nose and forcing the jagged hunks of bone into the brain. And he has ninja throwing stars which are the certified coolest thing on earth.

Yul Brynner as The Bald One Who Is Bald

Yul Brynner starred in The King and I, which is possibly your grandma’s favorite movie. But don’t worry, he also starred in The Magnificent Seven which is possibly your grandpa’s favorite movie. And he was in the sci-fi classic Westworld, playing a killer robot. Woah. Killer robot? The Expired-Ables have a killer robot? Yes. A BALD killer robot. Who sings. That is by far the scariest kind of killer robot. Imagine a soulless, hairless automaton coming relentlessly at you, shooting guns and belting out Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes. I dare you not to poop your pants.

Woody Strode as The Black One

If you were making a Western or action movie in the ‘50s and ‘60s and you needed a black actor to play a bit part as a proud black man? You called Woody Strode. And you didn’t call anyone else. But Woody was more than just “the guy white people put in their movies to make them seem more sensitive about the plight of minorities and perhaps draw a little more of a black audience.” He was also a tough hombre. He fought Spartacus for frig sake. If ever The Expired-Ables should find themselves going back in time to do battle with Roman gladiators, Woody will be the first one in the arena. And while Woody’s wowing everyone with his fighting skills, the white Expired-Ables will slink back to the time machine, bringing Bruce Lee with them because he’s the only one who knows how to fix the time machine if it breaks (cause, you know, he’s Asian).

Macho Man Randy Savage as The Wrestler One

Pro wrestlers have a long and glorious history of taking bit parts in action movies, going back to the time Hulk Hogan fought Rocky. And of course there was Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. That was an action movie, right? There was sword fighting. Anyway, I started thinking to myself, what pro wrestler from my mis-spent youth would I wish to see in The Expired-Ables, either as a member of the unit or possibly a bad guy or a bad guy’s henchman? Since The Iron Sheik isn’t dead, my only choice was Macho Man Randy Savage. Just imagine the awesome fight scene where Macho Man jumps from a high platform delivering a perfect flying elbow to the windpipe of John Wayne. But wait, Bobby Heenan is distracting the referee! Macho Man is pinning John Wayne but the ref doesn’t see it! Miss Elizabeth, scratch Bobby Heenan’s eyes out! John Wayne is coming around! I hate it when they cheat.

Jack Palance as The Glowering One Who May Be Evil Or May Be Good

Long before playing crusty-but-loveable Curly in the hilarious City Slickers, Jack Palance made a name for himself as a Hollywood heavy. He had a freakishly huge cranium (always a sign of evil), and glowering creepy eyes, and he read his lines in this heavy, melodramatic, leaden way that made you think “This guy must be really serious or possibly he’s having a small stroke.” Jack fills the role of the loose-canon who has to be thrown out of the group for being too crazy, becomes bitter about this and sides with the group’s enemies, then turns back after being shot and gives up the plans to the enemy compound. Flip-flopper! FYI, if you ever get a chance, see The Big Knife. It’s awesome.

Ronald Reagan as The One Who Used To Be A Politician

Maybe you don’t associate Ronald Reagan with action movies? Maybe you think of him as more of a light comedy guy who occasionally played second or third lead in a drama? Perhaps the only thing you know about his movie career is that he was supposed to be in Casablanca before Bogart got the role (which is a myth by the way)? Possibly you’ve seen Bedtime for Bonzo where he’s totally upstaged by a chimp? Okay all fair points. But you’re wrong about Ronnie not being an action hero. In fact, to a couple generations of Republicans, he’s the greatest action hero of all-time. Anyone can pretend to destroy bad guys in a movie. What other action hero actually took down a real evil empire? Single-handed? By using the magic powers of Capitalism to brainwash Gorbachev? None, that’s how many. Plus he could rock the hell out of a pair of jeans.

Steve McQueen as The Cool One Who Doesn’t Really Want to Be In This Movie But It’s a Paycheck So What the Hell?

Steve McQueen may have been the coolest action movie star who ever lived. This guy was so awesome, he could make an iconic moment out of bouncing a baseball against a wall. Even soul-crushing boredom became cool when it was Steve McQueen. Never mind what the man could do with a motorcycle jump. In all honesty, he’s probably too cool to want to be in The Expired-Ables. Thankfully there is one force in the world that evens out such a coolness discrepancy: money. If we offer Steve enough green, he’ll forget that he’s already lapped us six-hundred times in the coolness race and bestow his eternally awesome presence on our little endeavor. He won’t do much, cause he’s too cool for it, but that doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have to do much. He can just stand there smirking, acting like he’s above it all. And when the sequel rolls around and his career is kind of in the toilet? We’ll let him have a bigger part and pay him even more money. And he’ll STILL act like he’s above it.

I challenge you to think of a greater action movie cast than that. And don’t be throwing any Greek gods into the equation. Apollo isn’t an action hero. I think he was a speed skater but don’t quote me on that. I never paid attention to Greek mythology and I’m not starting now.