VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — A study conducted by the Virginia Economic Development Partnership and ExxonMobil found the impending construction of oil drilling off Virginia Beach might actually be a boon for the area.

Researchers completed a longitudinal study which looked at the historic transformation of other beachside dumps both before and after the introduction of offshore wells. The study confirmed their initial hypothesis that sucking millions of barrels of oil from two miles underwater would actually make Virginia Beach a less depressing place to visit.

The study cited four specific improvements.

Environmental improvements:

Experts at ExxonMobil widely agreed the Virginia Beach oceanfront is an environmental disaster in need of dire cleanup. Revenue flowing to the state from oil companies will allow the city to address these pressing issues and begin cleanup of Atlantic and Pacific Avenues.

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Protest tourism:

A separate study by the Virginia Tourism Corporation noted that offshore drilling will attract droves of protesters, who will need a place to stay and who will surely visit one of the oceanfront’s 47 pizza shops. This influx of capital will provide the financial resources to invest in interstate signage intended to trick Northerners into believing they have arrived at the Outer Banks.

“Aggressively marketing toward environmentally conscious millennials would pay big dividends in the event of an actual spill,” Henry Sewell, of the Virginia Tourism Corporation, explained in a recent interview. “We want to be the best city for protests on the East Coast. Some hotels are already experimenting with alternative setups like replacing breakfast buffets with sign making stations and converting unused banquet space into pepper spray recovery lounges.”

An end to “Beach Week”:

Virginia Beach business owners and city leaders have long grappled with the headaches associated with broke, drunk 17 year olds who descend on the area for beach week. Given that oil rigs are not a good look for Instagram backgrounds, opening up offshore drilling could be the final straw to get these miserly anklebiters to go to Myrtle Beach instead, allowing Virginia Beach to return to its time-honored tradition as “a family beach.”

More interesting than minor league hockey

City leaders have remained vocal about their desire for a professional sports franchise for decades. Hampton Roads is the largest market in the country without a pro sports team. Plans to build an 18,000-seat arena on the Oceanfront almost received the council’s approval just last year. If any team decides to call the shores of Virginia its home, an offshore drilling industry gives the city an immediate identity and easy, memorable name to print right across the front of the jersey.

Researchers presented their findings to the House of Delegates and the Senate who gave their resounding support shortly after they each received gift baskets containing ExxonMobil t-shirts and stacks of money.

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