That’s right. I said it. And you know what? It feels so good, I’m gonna say it again: I hate The Flash. Fuck The Flash. To everyone who writes/directs/produces The Flash: You are doing a bad job.

And I wouldn’t feel the need to share it except my husband fucking LOVES the show. And I don’t understand WHY! The characters are so flat and boring, everyone is focused on getting a boyfriend/girlfriend and they all live in great apartments and have amazing fictional jobs that they never have to actually attend anything for. But even all of that could be ignored. There is only one thing two things about The Flash that I truly cannot forgive. And the main problem is, in fact, The Flash.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually think Grant Gustin was a great choice for Barry Allen. His friendly eyes, runner’s body, and quirky personality all make for a great Barry Allen. And even the first 3-6 episodes of the show were promising, as they seemed to understand that Barry Allen is supposed to be a high energy character with an awkward flair that makes him an all-around lovable next-door neighbor superhero.

They also addressed some nerdy stuff that was much appreciated: such as him not being able to get drunk, or always being hungry.

But something stupid happened. Some asshole must have decided Barry was too peppy, he didn’t show enough darkness regarding his mother’s death. Suddenly, he was a brooding, deep voiced, gruff and tired hero we didn’t want.

Suddenly, he was Batman. He never eats (oh sure they came up with a magical protein bar that somehow makes him full for 8 hours, but wouldn’t a lovable character quirk be the fact that he somehow always is eating in between fighting crime?), his clothes have become darker, his smiles are more fleeting, and he sulks. My god, does the man know how to sulk.

This shit pisses me off to no end, because we already have a Batman. His name? Batman.

So why does every male superhero suddenly need to have this machismo dark, tormented soul? Why can’t a superhero mask his pain with comedy? Wouldn’t having a funny but hurting hero actually help people better understand that jokes are often inspired by sorrow? As we are seeing a severe increase in suicides, wouldn’t being aware of this personality type and taking it more seriously better help us be on the lookout for warning signs?

Woah, sorry, got a little off topic. Okay, let’s get back to why The Flash sucks.

So, suddenly Barry’s a total Debbie Downer. The only time he makes me laugh is when he’s doing a cross over on to a different show, when the writers suddenly realize how boring he is and decide to add a little oomph, and you can see Grant come to life and seem to enjoy his role again.

But I guess you have to dull down Barry Allen on his own show in order to make it easier to watch his insanely boring teammates and friends/family. His relationship/love interest is about as flavorful as a Carr’s Water Cracker.

Seriously, what am I supposed to feel about them? They grew up together, but they never seem to have inside jokes. They don’t appear to have much in common. Actually, do they…like…have hobbies? When have you ever seen Iris do something human? Honestly, I think they let her out of some incubation chamber right before filming to say her lines about how she and Barry are engaged and then she goes right back under. She has never done anything to set a strong example as a character, a woman, or a human being.

In fact, none of the women do. Did you see the “Girls Night Out” episode?

Like, what the fuck was that?

They capture someone bad, say “Hashtag feminism!” and then let her go? Like, they were just smart enough to capture the bad guy, but juuuust too stupid to incarcerate her? Women are still idiots in the eyes of television, is that it?

And don’t worry, the dudes were being idiots too. Like how Cisco made Barry something that makes him drunk for like 8 FUCKING HOURS?! WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A SUPERHERO OUT OF COMMISSION FOR 8 HOURS?! WHO WOULD EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT?! They hadn’t even TESTED this thing before. But it’s cool, we’ll just give this “stuff that makes you drunk” to the cities main source of protection and keep our FUCKING FINGERS CROSSED FOR 8 GODDAMNED HOURS.

This blog is getting really sporadic, but it’s safe to say it’s because The Flash sucks. Adam is wrong. The Flash is shitty and feminism is not being used correctly.

AND A HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY TO YOU.