Disney’s iconic Magic Kingdom castle is about to get an evil twin in the form of Darth Vader’s personal pad – a huge monolithic structure surrounded by lava. Vader’s Castle will sit in a central location at Star Wars Land, the Mouse House’s multi-billion dollar expansion of all-new rides and experiences set to open in late 2019. According to our sources, the dark castle will be filled with immersive technologies that let you witness the birth of Darth Vader, along with his rise and fall – all in 4D!

Below are the experiences we feel will be the most buzzed about when Vader’s Castle opens:

Bacta Dunk Tank

Park goers will be able to hurl spongeballs in the shape of probe droids at a target in order to send a bald, diaper-wearing Anakin into a real life bacta tank!

Mustafarian Reggae Banana Band

Little known fact about the lava world of Mustafar: there are bananas. Hot, hot reggae bananas! A traveling reggae banana band will entertain guests of Vader’s castle with hourly performances of “Hot, Hot, Hot,” while serving up a sith-tastic twist on the classic banana split that uses force ghost peppers instead of chocolate sauce! Ayayay!

Hacksaw Ridge

Relive the epic lightsaber battle from Revenge of the Sith in this seriously one-sided affair, where visitors get to hack away at Anakin’s writhing corpse as he screams “I HATE YOU!” into the red sand.

Vanee’s Magic Mirror

Ask Vader’s mirror “Who’s the darkest jedi of them all?” and his loyal manservant Vanee will appear as a real-time augmented reality projection to answer your query. The creepy pale-faced dandy will even give hair and makeup tips. For a great spoiler, ask Vanee if he’s Snoke!

Jedi Torture Light Show & Musical Extravaganza

As the birthplace of pure evil, Darth Vader’s Castle will offer a tour of the Dark Lord’s torture chambers. See the methods with which he destroyed the jedi who deserved special attentions. We’re told this area of the castle will house a live musical stage show featuring The Emperor and Vader orchestrating elaborate torture methods upon some familiar faces. Fans of the cartoon Star Wars Rebels, you really don’t want to miss this one! Apparently Dave Filoni is writing this stage show and it will in fact be Rebels canon!

Sith Cave Spelunking

Rappel hundreds of feet below lava level to a beautiful cave filled with Darth Vader’s most prized collection. Rare etchings by Anakin Skywalker and childhood sweetheart Kitster adorn the walls of this underground museum. You might even discover buried kyber crystals if you shine your helmet light towards just the right spot!

Needless to say, we’re absolutely chuffed to try these all-new experiences. Keep in mind, these are but a handful of the things you can do at Darth Vader’s Castle. So you can bet your bottom credit we’ll be among those first in line to enter into the darkness when Star Wars Land opens in 2019. For the latest on this and all other Star Wars news worth faking, keep your devices parked on FakingStarWars.net.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo