ann arbor craigslist > personals > casual encounters

Date: 2012-10-7, 3:04AM EDT

Seeking a common sense conservative who woke up from a coma on the day President Barack Hussein Obama was inaugurated.

Seeking a small government conservative who honestly believes that that the government is way too big, except when it comes to policing women’s vaginas, blocking gay marriages and planning a mass deportation of 17 million undocumented immigrants.

Seeking a Christian conservative who knows America is a Christian nation, except when it comes to the sick, poor, war, torture and the death penalty.

Seeking a law-and-order conservative who agrees that Robin Hood is guilty of class warfare and thus a socialist and possibly even an Islamo-fascist secularist. Or even worse—a liberal.

Seeking a conservative conservative who believes in the traditional family and typical gender roles unless your wife is unusually photogenic and/or blond—then she can write a book that includes all the stuff she learned watching Fox News and listening to Rush—the obese radio DJ and the prog-rock Canadians who turn Ayn Rand’s books into really long songs. And if she’s really good at repeating what she hears, John McCain may even nominate your wife to be vice president.

Seeking a true Red Stater who knows that life begins at incorporation and retirement is for communists.

Seeking a patriotic American who knows that any scandal involving green energy or climate change at all instantly disproves all climate science, even if the scandal is a typical failed business that costs us less than a typical Saturday in Iraq.

Seeking a fiscal conservative who is aware that we balanced the budget 11 years ago but thinks it was balanced entirely by Ronald Reagan lowering taxes and Newt Gingrich’s second divorce.

Seeking a man who has never smoked pot, who has never been to a gay bar and who thinks teenagers shouldn’t even know how to spell “condom.”

Seeking a patriotic conservative who thinks the only way teachers should be organized is in their roll books. A deregulating conservative who thinks the only way to play Monopoly is without rules so you can skip the boring parts and declare the banker the winner.

Seeking an American who doesn’t know that richest are paying the lowest taxes in 50 years. An adult who has no idea that the gap between the rich in the poor is bigger that it was before the Great Depression. I need a man who doesn’t understand that this gap between America’s “job creators and its “working poor” will perpetuate this lesser depression. But the billionaires are too powerful to be stopped this time.

Looking for a man who agreed with everything Rush Limbaugh said this morning and 70% percent of Glenn Beck. A man who gets stomach bleeding when Hannity takes a week off. A temporary embarrassed millionaire who makes about $35,000 a year, when he’s not on disability.

I need a 100% real ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ Tea Party Republican tonight to fill me up tonight because obviously—like me—you’re into humiliation, masochism and trickle down economics.

I think I’m disease-free but I haven’t had health insurance in six years. And don’t worry—I didn’t get that government injection to prevent HPV when I was an innocent little girl.

• Location: Ann Arbor

• it’s ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests because corporations are people, my friend.

[Photo by Chris Savage.]