Name: Royal Dairy Wars.

Age: They kicked off in June.

Appearance: Posh, competitive, milky-white.

Who are the principal warriors in this regal battle? Peter Phillips and Lady Kitty Spencer.

And who, with the greatest respect, are they? Phillips is Princess Anne’s son, and 15th in line to the throne. Spencer is Princess Diana’s niece, and nowhere in line to the throne.

I take it they are both rearing luxury dairy herds. Not quite, no.

What then? They are promoting rival milk brands in China.

What do posh British people know about Chinese milk? Good question. Last June, Spencer hosted a launch event in London for a product called Satine Jersey Milk British Museum Classic Edition.

Lady Kitty Spencer at the Dorchester in London. Photograph: David M Benett/Getty Images for Walpole

I’m no marketing expert, but museum-quality milk just sounds a bit … old. A press release issued at the time said: “Kitty Spencer, niece of the late Princess Diana, made an authentic English breakfast tea with Jersey milk and shared the story of Jersey milk and the British royal family.”

What story is that? She told assembled Chinese journalists: “The day of the royal family usually begins with a cup of milk or a cup of tea.”

Hard to debunk that one. Meanwhile, Phillips was appearing in an advert for another brand of Jersey milk produced by a state-owed Chinese food company.

What does he do in the advert? He stands about in a palace (which appears to be Longleat House, though is uncredited), accepts a glass of milk from a butler holding a tray and says – in English – “This is what I drink.”

He drinks milk imported from China? Bloody toff. Probably not. The real scandal is that Phillips, who is billed in the advert as a “British royal family member”, is trading off his royal connections in order to make money.

And Spencer as well, don’t forget. Yes, although she is styled as a “British noble member” for the purposes of Chinese dairy product promotion.

Isn’t this exactly what Harry and Meghan stand accused of? It is indeed, but the duke and duchess have so far got only a logo and a website, while these two have been quietly cashing in for six months.

What, if anything, do sources close to Phillips have to say about his advert? One told the Daily Mail: “As Peter does not undertake any royal duties and does not receive any income from the taxpayer, he is entitled to go about his business and earn a living.”

Do say: “Show one the money.”

Don’t say: “Just a bit of lemon for me thanks, Jeeves.”