I expect basically none of you have heard of keith FC, and who can blame you? They’re a small club from a sleepy town of 4,000 and play in the 5th tier of Scottish football. According to wikipedia ‘The team are perhaps best known to many followers of higher division football for their 10–1 defeat to Rangers in the 1995-96 Scottish cup’- The bar isn’t high.

Keith do have some redeeming features though. Firstly, they are called Keith, which I think is fantastic. They’re also the (joint) seventh most successful team in highland league history! narrowly behind footballing superpowers such as ………….. Buckie…..and……………..um…..Clachnacuddin (another fantastic name). One genuinely notable achievement is the production of former Scotland captain Colin Hendry, who played for the likes of Man city, Rangers and Blackburn Rovers.

In summary, Keith are so obscure that I needed a user made database to control them.

So I wanted to do a save taking a non-league team to glory, but after 1 point in 3 games I got FUCKING SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT and instead decided to sim a few years ahead to see what happened. Results for the most part were unsurprising. Celtic won all of the trophies, Aberdeen were still mediocre, Scotland hadn’t qualified for any tournaments yet yada yada yada, you get the idea. What did interest me however were the exploits of Selkirk, from the Lowland league (same level as Keith). Through simply overperforming and a few smart transfers they were on the verge of the championship. This made me think-Just how far could a Highland league team go with a world class squad?

I wouldn’t just send Messi, Ronaldo and co over on a plane to Forres, that would be boring (plus I doubt Forres has an airport), i was going to create a new batch of heroes. Craig from the pub, Mark who fixed your boiler last week, Dave the creepy bus driver. These would be the new heroes football needed.

So let’s start experimenting on Keith! (that sounded better in my head)

As you can see Keith are a very modest club, I will therefore not change anything (e.g. finances, facilities etc.)

Their players also arent’t Very good. This is ‘key’ player Kris Duncan who boasts and impressive current ability of 25 out of 200.

What I’ve done is edit the current and potential ability of all players to 200, as well as giving them contracts that are 5 years long and professional (So that they couldn’t just move to other club’s straight away, rendering the whole point of this useless).

Here’s a gallery of the players (warning: pornographic images)

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I say I edited all players but about 4 have refused to grow and are still highland league level. This would ordinarily be fine except Gordon Whelan is playing three of them despite there LITERALLY being the best possible players for their position on the bench. You’re a special kind of stupid Gordon. This happened with a few other players but they changed eventually so hopefully these troublemakers will fix themselves before too long. I also gave three young prospects in the under-20s 200 potential ability.

Half way through the season………….(pre january window)

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Things going well all round.

we’re spreading!

didn’t even think of this-surely Scotland can achieve something on the international stage……surely. (Although Gordon will probably still play Steven ‘I scored a hat trick against Gibraltar’ Fletcher).

worryingly most of our players are transfer targets for top Scottish clubs such as Celtic and, well just Celtic. Hopefully we get some going to some other Scottish clubs.

End of Transfer window

Money in the bank! A total of 3.62k for 11 of the best players in the world. Keith now only have about 6 real players. At least they didn’t ALL go to celtic. Sake.

End of season review

That spells…………………………..dominatio! I ran out of things to show

finally, how did some of the boys do in the premiership?

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very well apparently, can’t wait to see where some of them go next season

Thanks for reading and hope you’ll come back for season two, where a depleted keith side make their football league debut, Celtic have a squad capable of making ripples in Europe and Scotland have actually qualified for the euros!