My Smile: A Rabid Hyena Speaks Out

I think that I look like a rabid hyena when I smile.

My friends and family tell me I have a "cute" or sometimes even a "beautiful" smile, but I have always hated it. My smile is terribly embarrassing to me.

All I see in photos is a squinty-eyed, rabid hyena.

From 8th grade up until about a year ago, I rarely smiled for the camera. Even for my wedding photos, I just gave a slight turn up at the corners of my mouth. Barely a grin, I guess. I tried smiling for photos at my wedding reception, but I was ultra-conscious of my squinty eyes, so I opened my eyes really wide for each shot. The result? I still looked like a rabid hyena. A rabid hyena caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic. So I stopped smiling for photos altogether about 10 years ago, and I've just given my self-conscious little grin without showing any teeth ever since. (Quite honestly, if you see me really smiling in a picture, there's probably a can of Coors Light involved.)

But here's the deal. A couple of weeks ago, I talked to a woman called "Flo." (Her real name is "Baby," but her friends call her "Flo.") Well, Flo runs the beer stop on Nameless Road up in Jonestown, and she lives behind the shop in a little shack. She has about 6 teeth left, and none of them is in front. She's old and leathery, and her eyes are cloudy and losing life. One afternoon, I talked to her for about 15 minutes, and she probably smiled 10 times. She has a totally rotted-out mouth, and still, she was smiling. Now, Flo is old and, darlin', she's "plumb wore-out," but she struck me as a spunky chick who has always had a good sense of humor. I don't know why she's toothless now, but I really do hope she has some good smile pictures of herself in her younger days. In fact, I think that old gal has a beautiful smile now, regardless, and I'm glad she shared it with me.

So, really. Why do I have to look like a smug brat in every shot? Just to preserve my dignity? Why? I guess that's understandable and "okay," but now I feel stupid. My girlfriends have gotten married and honored me by sticking me in heels and gowns, putting my smug mug on the altar next to them before God and everyone. The other bridal attendants smiled their perfectly glamorous drill team smiles, and I stood there with my phony, self-conscious "meh-smile," every time. This is the happiest day of my friend's life, and I can't allow myself to look happy for her. What a brat!

At this point, I'm asking myself, "Why can't I just be more like Flo?" Someday, I'm probably going to look just like her, and I'll wish I had more pictures of my real, natural, Crazy Courto smile. I'll wish I would have shared my smile more naturally in person, too.

Maybe my smile isn't a "Cosmopolitan smile." Maybe I look a little rabid or hyper. But that's me smiling that smile. And it's real. It's mine. It may not be sultry or sexy or timeless or sophisticated, but it is real, and my friends and family say that they like it. If I die tomorrow, I know my loved ones will miss my trademark rabid hyena smile, s o I'm going to let it happen more naturally from now on.

I will not cover my mouth or look down when I laugh.

I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore.

The rabid hyena will smile and laugh without shame.

CHEESE!