Flame Thrower Magazine Circa 2009

Flamethrower Magazine was a glorified blog whose creator periodically posted a variety of material including editorial pieces, reviews, and lots of opinions regarding sports, politics, video games, art, and anything else that was on his mind that he wanted to share.

Content is from the site's 2009 archived pages providing a glimpse of what this site offered its followers. Enjoy the nostalgic trip.

About

What is Flamethrower Magazine?

flame·throw·er (flām’thrō’ər) n.

1. A weapon that projects ignited incendiary fuel, such as napalm, in a steady stream.

mag·a·zine (māg’ə-zēn’) n.

1. Publication issued periodically, containing miscellaneous editorial pieces, such as articles, short stories, interviews, photographic essays, or poems, of either a specific or general nature.

2. A place where goods are stored, especially a building in a fort or a storeroom on a warship where ammunition is kept.



So what is Flamethrower Magazine?

The website that you are looking at is all of the above. It is a publication containing a variety of material, as well as a storehouse for ideas and intellectual ammunition.

And at its best moments, it’s a weapon that projects ignited creative fuel in a steady stream, directly from your computer monitor into your brain.

That’s great, but what is it really?

In actuality, it’s a humble little solo project where I take things that I’ve done and give them an air of false importance by putting them on the internet for others to see. It’s really not much more than a glorified blog, and an excuse to learn website design in the process.

What could make it even more awesome?

E-mailing me and letting me know you’re interested in putting something on the site. It can be anything you’re interested in… writing, photos, music, facts, opinions, abstract nonsense. It doesn’t even have to fit any of the existing categories, we’ll create a new category for you. There are no rules here. Nobody’s getting paid, and we have no standard of excellence that needs to be maintained.

This site is like play-dough, it can be molded into anything we want.

2009 POSTS

RANTS

Why Rock Band is Better Than Music Snobs

Whenever the subject of Rock Band comes up, you can always count on some self-assured douche-twat to say something like the following…

“Sorry, but I’d rather play a real guitar than some plastic toy. But that’s just me.”

Oh, is that just you, cock-nozzle? Because I didn’t realize the two were mutually exclusive.

I must have accidentally skipped the Rock Band loading screen that told me that by playing the game, I had forever relinquished my rights to pick up a “real” guitar again.

“Sorry, I’d rather actually learn how to play the song, than just press some colored buttons,” replies the ass-person.

Right. Because what could you possibly learn about playing a song, by picking up a guitar-shaped instrument and strumming the exact rhythm of it as the melodies and chord patterns travel across the screen in the form of brightly colored shapes?

Oh no, you may have to later figure out that Green + Red = an E chord for that song, and Yellow + Blue = A.

And there’s definitely nothing to be gained as a drummer by picking up two drumsticks, and drumming the fucking song on an electronic drumkit while brightly colored, easy to read sheet music scrolls across the screen.

And of course, it goes without saying that singing a song into a microphone with instant feedback as to where your exact vocal pitch is at, will in no way improve you as a vocalist.

Next, you’re going to be saying that using a realistic flight simulator would translate into being able to better fly an airplane.

“I guess I’d just rather jam out with my friends on real instruments, than play with a bunch of kids toys”, whines the vagina-monster.

Of course. Because in addition to the fact that upon the purchase of Rock Band, the government confiscates any and all musical instruments from your home…it’s always a convenient time to lug an 8-piece drumkit out of the garage.

And there’s nothing people love more than when you plug an electric guitar into a 150-watt amp during a party, and drown their conversation in feedback.

God, if only there was a way to simulate the experience in a social setting, only in a way that was fun for everybody and eliminated all of the hassle…

Look, #ick-tard. We get it. You can play an instrument, and you want everyone to know it.

I play them too. Of course real instruments are more fun, that’s like saying actually playing golf is more fun than playing Tiger Woods ‘09.

And if you don’t like Rock Band or similar games, that’s fine. Not everybody has to like everything, that’s why we’re each a unique and beautiful snowflake.

But stop acting like you’re somehow above other people, just because you’ve picked up a musical instrument before.

In your attempts to impress, you just come off as a…#hit, what haven’t i used yet…

A ###t-twizzler. That’s what you #ucking are. A####-twizzler.

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Farm 52 & Faunasphere: Two Free Online Games from Big Sea

Farm 52

Big Seas online community game. This site is a new development from Big Fish Games, still in Beta. No cost to play in the community and a chat feature which you may or may not enjoy.

The premise of the game, Farm 52, is that your farm is next to Roswell with your little farmer trying to eek out a living.

You can create recipes from the animal products and farm produce. For example, you can make butter, cream or cheese from the milk your cows produce or you can make flour from the wheat you grow and then make it into bread.

My farm has progressed for several generations now. There is a Marketplace, in the Town, where you can buy some staples like oats and wheat. I am currently purchasing cacao and sugar to make the “choco lovers” recipe – yummy brownies, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cream pie.

Pretty simple so far. Go to the newspaper ads to get higher prices on desired products. You can eventually buy a crop circle and call aliens. Become a believer. The aliens ask for products and give alien technology to make your farm more productive.

As the seasons march forward and years go by, you will be given the technology to build a rocket capable of taking you to visit the alien’s home planet. This also stirs up interest from the Roswell people next door, who send the “men in black” to steal you stuff! The men in black kept stealing my irrigation system, so when the aliens gave me a Chihuahua named Princess, I put her by the farm gate to keep them at bay. Not sure it worked very well, she is a Princess after all.

Eventually the aliens gave me a “Can of Worms”. Once I had managed to catch 100 worms, the worms started producing silk and a wormhole opened up to the Strange Planet. On the Strange Planet I discovered I was building a Field of Dreams. Well like they say, “If you build it, they will come”. Just wonder who “they” are.

Farming games tend to attract a lot of attention with those of us who want to dig in the soil without “getting our hands dirty”, or maybe that should be “without leaving our computer chair”. I was surprised the first time the “game police” kicked me off because I had been playing for 8 hours. No problem, just loaded it up for another 8 hour round.

If you have a Big Fish account you can follow the link to loadBig Sea. If not, you will have to sign up when you get to Big Sea and apply for an account.

Keep your munchies handy. This game makes your subconscious focus on food. A bag of chocolate is a good choice, unless you are allergic to chocolate of course.

Happy Gaming.

Faunasphere

If you like cute little animals, there is a new game by Big Sea Games called Faunasphere.

You go from level to level shooting pollution, breeding your animals, and completing goals. The breeding aspect gives a little insight into basic genetics. Unfortunately the rest of the breeding falls into the fantasy realm. All the fauna lay eggs which have to be incubated. Then you get to see what the baby looks like. My first thoughts were that he makers of this game were trying to emulate Spore.

I get pretty attached to my little creatures. Hate to have to send them out into the wilderness, never to be seen again. Unfortunately to get the heat proof gene, so they can go into the swamps, I am going to have to get ruthless. I need to have the heat gene bred into my little ones.

This is a “multi-user online role-playing game” so not only can you chat, but it is important to have friends so you can work together on goals. You also can visit other faunaspheres. I have decorated my faunasphere with magic circles around the sleeping dens and nest for hatching. I don’t think it is actually programmed in the game to be beneficial, but what did you expect from a gypsy? Everyone can decorate as they like and it is fun to go to someone else’s sphere just to look at their decor.

You will eventually build a “totem” which produces a unique item only other players can buy. Bummer that you can’t get any of your own totem products. You can visit your own friends and when you get to their faunasphere, go visit their friends.

The chatting in these games tends to be more of the “let’s work on these game goals” type, it’s not as much of the mundane chit-chat that goes on in other games.

One of the best ways I found to get extra cash involves working with other fauna to kill the Vile 6-eyed Pollution Monsters – Trashy, Gassy, and Slimy. After completing this goal, you can go back to the goal station and take them on again and again and again. With a team you can make some moolah.

This is a game the makers want to entice you to spend your real-time, hard-earned money on. You may only care for three fauna at a time with the free playing option. This makes at least one goal, I know of, very difficult to finish. The free play option also makes some items impossible to buy in the “marketplace”. The game makers have a fix for this. Pay your money and buy the “bux”, plus have the ability to raise more fauna for your breeding.

Personally, I am fighting the temptation to fall into the paying customer trap.

Happy Gaming.

Share and Enjoy:

Why I Won’t Be Playing Sims 3: From a Diehard Sims 2 Fan

Maxis hit the video game world with The Sims, an artificial intelligence type of game. In this version your children never aged and adults didn’t age.

When the Sims 2 game hit the gamer’s machine, aging became the norm. Lifestages and legacies were born. The Sims started having aspirations and moods to match how well their aspirations were met. The gamer will go into a household in the Sim community and play the characters living in that particular household. Then you could hop over to another house and play that family for awhile.

Now that Maxis sold out to EA the develpment continues with Sims 3. I watched players take Sims 2 off their computers and wait with nail-biting anticipation for the game to be released. Everyone was excited by the prospect of being able to wander all around the neighborhood to wander all around the neighborhood without having to wait for a new screen to just to go downtown to do some shopping. Promises of the neighborhood Sims busily going about their lives all simultaneously was exciting.

I personally will not buy the Sims 3. The whole neighborhood concept has a major flaw in the way I like to play. When you leave one household to play in another, you will lose all the gains you had saved up in the first household. This will basically give you one household to play. If your optimal game strategy is to put your character into the game and live that life, more power to you.

Personally I enjoyed the variety of ways to play that Sims 2 offered. I enjoy building a neighborhood of Sims and visiting all the households without losing the latest developments when I went visiting all the neighbors.

I have one interesting neighborhood that has about 150 households and over 350 playable characters. How could I find any joy or acheivement for my little Sims if they lost everything I had built up, every time I wanted to play another family? I personally have storylines and family history built into every household.

I introduced my mother to Sims2 and she has loved it. She play roles several of the female characters chosing those with hair do that best resemble her favorite Raquel Welch wigs. The other day she was telling me about her finding a new online wig store that offers free shipping on Raquel Welch wigs. I interjected, "But don't most online stores offer free shipping?" "I guess that's true" she said. "But the customer service people who answer the phone are the tops. So knowledgable and patient. I'm going to have one of my Sims folks be the owner of an online wigs store that sells only Raquel Welch wigs." I looked at my Mom and thought "Oh boy, this is really over the top!" But is it really? Think of the Sims games which always come with expansion packs offering a variety of fun ways to expand your play. For example you could add Pets for all the animal lovers out there. Or Seasons which give you fun for different seasons like ice skating or snowman building. With the Seasons, gardening also become available. Plus a new kind of Sim – PlantSims. Maybe they will create an expansive pack for internet ecommerce store owners or something. My mother sure would like that.

I personally started a whole new neighborhood of PlantSim descendants. There are now about 35 households and 75 playable characters. When Freetime hit the stands, my Sims now had a huge variety of hobbies they could pursue. I love having my Sims blog on the Sim internet even though I don’t blog in real life. I love classic cars and enjoy having my Sims work on classic car restoration, even though I have never even changed the oil in my own real-life car.

Some gamers enjoy creating buildings, houses, clothing, objects or even Sim characters for their personal use or to share eith other Simmers. Some Simmers create challenges, like the legacy, or write stories, in the form of albums, to share with others. The creativity and imagination of these players is amazing. Plus their willingness to share, free of charge, their creations is what the internet was built on.

Sims 2 was not without some problems. When Maxis sold out to EA, a new kind of copy protection was put into the game. This disabled many computers by disabling any hard or software, legal or not, which would make or save copies. I understand they don’t want to give away their games for free, but if i have purchased Nero, I want to be able to use Nero and if i have a rewritable DVD, I got it for a reason such as making copies of my work. I had saved backups of my game at various stages of my game. When Secure Rom struck my computer, luckily I had a back up from the prior-to-Secure Rom expansion pack. I reloaded my game back to that point and saved many of my Sims little lives.

I personally will not be making the move to Sims 3. Besides the fact that EA has taken over, I do not want to give up what I have created and still have a long way to go with all my households. I do not like the way the Sims 3 gameplay will only allow you to basically work with one household and not be able to save advances they make if you decide to go play in another household. This is a major flaw in the way I play with the Sims. It would be like if you were playing a basketball game, and at halftime you came out of the locker room and all your points were gone. What is the point of putting effort into achieving things with your Sims, if they won’t be there the next time you load up that family?

Is the Sims a time waster? In my opinion – yes. The Sim games definitely eat up a lot of time. But so does TV or golf. I enjoy the Sims 2 and find it still has the most diverse, creative and interesting game-play of any simulation game I have found. It has a longevity factor that I have enjoyed for the past 9 years. That’s almost a decade of play for my Sims. Will I upgrade to Sims 3? NO! I would rather try Will Wright’s latest creation, Spore.

I am looking forward to Sim players leaving their comments. Will you, did you get Sims 3? How was your experience? Or do you dislike Sims games.

Happy Gaming.

Free Downloadable Video Game: Casey Saves the Universe – Adventures of a Stoned Pizza Boy

Download the game at this page. Don’t worry, it’s still part of this site.

(It’s just a 20 MB zip file. Instructions are included.)

About the Game

I made this game a couple years ago with RPG Maker, totally forgot about it/didn’t care, and then I found it again recently, played it, realized it’s awesomeness, and decided to upload it for the world to enjoy.

You play as Casey, a regular pizza boy (I worked at Domino’s at the time) who has to save the universe from destruction by getting stoned.

Apparently someone has created a weather control device which is quickly turning the world into an uninhabitable frozen wasteland.

Much like all solutions to problems, the universe must be saved by getting high, and only the chosen one (you) is capable of such a feat. This is your mission, if you choose to accept it.

The only problem is, you must also continue to deliver pizzas on time throughout the town, and use your tip money and time in between deliveries to eat, drink, and procure mind-altering substances.

Not only that, but random monsters and lunatics will randomly try to kill you along the way.

Eventually you unlock an even more sinister plot and battle your way through hell on a quest to save the universe and atone for your own personal sins.

Installation

1. download the zip file (it’ll take about 5 minutes tops)

2. unzip the files,

3. install RTP (its the program the game runs on, it won’t hurt your computer I promise, and it can be uninstalled easily)

4. Click the orange icon to play the game!

(There’s a readme file there too if you forget something)

Gameplay

It plays similar to any Super NES era RPG: Zelda, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana, or my personal favorite, Earthbound. Think Earthbound for potheads.

The game takes about 4 hours to complete (if you know what you’re supposed to do, we’ll see how long it takes for those who don’t).

Of course, there’s a save feature. You don’t have to play it all in one shot. And I highly recommend saving as often as possible (and even creating multiple save files).

It’s very easy to die randomly at any moment, but you can reload your save in about one second, and pick up exactly where you left off.

Also, don’t worry too much about the timer during the timed pizza delivery missions. You won’t die if you deliver a few pizzas late (I know from experience).

The game is actually quite open ended, and you can use a few different strategies to beat it. There are full weapons and items systems, and even a few alternate path plots.

I’m already aware of some of the glitches, but I haven’t found anything too game-breaking, so let me know. Any compliments/criticisms would be appreciated.

If you end up playing the game, or even beating the game, I would love to hear about it.

(In fact, if anybody does take the time to beat this game, I will be very impressed, and personally do something awesome for you at some point in the future.)

Editors Note: Flamethrower does not endorse the use any mind-altering substances, including but not limited to; cannabis, alcohol, ecstacy, psilocybin, caffeine, large quantites of over-the-counter cough medicine, chocolate, free downloadable games, or hastily-designed websites.

Let's Play: Princess Tomato and the Salad Kingdo

Have you always wanted to play the NES Game Princess Tomato and the Salad Kingdom but never had the guts. Who hasn’t? Well now you don’t have to, because someone else went ahead and did it for you.

Created out of sheer boredom and curiosity, this Let’s Play series is guaranteed to make you question your purpose in universe at least twice.

WARNING: Contains adult language, mind-numbing frustration, and anthropomorphic vegetables.

Why I Am A Sports Atheist

Usually, whenever you end up revealing to someone that you’re a sports fan, the first question that comes out of their mouth is “What’s your favorite team?”

“Why do I have to have a favorite team?” I say. This answer usually results in the conversation being derailed, and the person putting a checkmark next to the word “douchebag” on their mental list of “words that describe me”.

Other douchey answers would include “I’m a sports atheist,” or “I just enjoy watching the majesty of watching talented athletes engage in spirited athletic competition”, although they are true.

“Packers for Life, Mother#ucker!” is a way better answer, I’ll admit.

This leads me to wonder though, why do we continually insist on everyone having a “favorite” team? In fact, why do we insist that everyone must decide on a “favorite” of anything?

“What’s your favorite food?” “What’s your favorite color?” “What’s your favorite band?”

What a pointless exercise in futility.

When we ask someone “What’s your favorite team?”, in a way we’re really just trying to make conclusions about them as a person.

“Oh, you’re a Steelers fan? Are you from Pittsburgh?”

Now suddenly, you have to have reasons to justify why you like that team.

“No, I just like their colors… and they won the Superbowl last year. Plus Snoop Dogg likes ‘em. Is that okay? Oh, did I just destroy my credibility as a sports fan? Shit.”

Obviously, the easiest way to pick a team is to just be from (or live in near proximity to) a city that has a pro-sports team.

But what if you don’t have that luxury?

What if you’re from, oh let’s just say… Iowa? What the fuck team are you supposed to be a fan of then, and what do you base it on?

When I was a kid, and first considered the question of what team I should root for, I found myself jealous of Minnesota for having professional sports teams.

“Minnesota is just one state north of us, why do they get sports teams and we don’t?” I wondered.

I now know, of course, that it’s because they can claim Minneapolis, (or more accurately the Twin Cities)… and that towns like our little Des Moines aren’t big enough to get a pro team.

But as a kid I wondered “Why can there be the Minnesota Vikings, but not the Iowa… Somethings?” (insert your own stupid corn-related team name joke here)

And much like a child being raised in a non-religious home, this planted the seeds of Sports Atheism in me from a very young age.

When I got shipped off to school to mingle with other kids, and saw the wide variety of Starter jackets in the hallways (remember those?), I came to a beautiful realization… that I could be a fan of any team I wanted.

Even in little old Iowa, I could be a fan of the Vikings if I wanted to…or the Bears, or Packers or Chiefs.

Or I could just say fuck the Midwest entirely and cheer for the Cowboys, or Niners, or Raiders, or Steelers.

I could be a fan of any team I wanted…but how do I decide?

So first I decided to just be a Minnesota Vikings fan, since they resided in the nearest location, after all.

But then I eventually met some kids who were from Minnesota, and realized that in Minnesota, people routinely make disparaging jokes about people from Iowa, like myself.

“All right, well then fuck you Minnesota and your sports teams” I said. “I don’t want to be your friend, either.”

“I’ll be a Chicago Bears fan then”, I thought, since they’re the next closest team geographically.

But later on, I met some people from Chicago, and got my first taste of “big-city hometown based-douchebaggery”, an affliction that most people from large cities seem to suffer from.

This is the principle that if a person is from a city that has a higher population than yours, that somehow makes them a more evolved member of the human race.

Even if they were only technically born in that city, and moved away at the age of zero and a half. Or even if they technically live 4 hours away from that city, but have been there more times than you have.

These people believe that the population of your city of residence is directly proportional to your value as a human being. They also somehow believe that the city you’re from somehow infests itself in your DNA, giving you magical abilities that anyone not from that city cannot possibly achieve.

And around that time, I came to a sickening realization…that 95% of sports fan-dom is just an excuse to brag about the city that you’re from.

See most fans of any team from New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Los Angeles for examples.

So what about the other 95% of the country, who isn’t from a city that has it’s own CSI spinoff?

“Well I guess I could just pick my team based on players that I think are sweet.” I thought.

For example, back in my formative years of the 90’s, Joe Montana and Jerry Rice were pretty kickass. “So maybe I’ll be a 49ers fan?” I wondered to myself.

But what happens when Montana decides to randomly go play for the Chiefs? You can’t just switch teams, right? Any “good” sports fan will tell you, your team is your team… for life.

But at this point, aren’t you just “rooting for laundry” as they say? Once all the players that you rooted for get traded or retire, aren’t you just rooting for a bunch of dudes that have nothing to do with the reason you picked that team in the first place?

So it has to be more than that, too. It has to be somehow about the “history” or “tradition” of the team. It has to be based on what that team “stands for”, or “represents”, or “something else in quotations that sounds important”.

But what the hell does that mean?

I don’t think anyone really knows, but somehow it led to me being a fan of the Green Bay Packers.

The Green Bay Packers aren’t really about anything except being a football team. Although I don’t know that many people (anyone) from Green Bay, WI…I can’t imagine that they inherently believe themselves superior to residents of Appleton, or Eau Claire, or any other Wisconsin city.

The Packers aren’t the Wisconsin Packers, excluding those from any other neighboring states from the priveleges of Fandom.

And most importantly, the city of Green Bay really isn’t known for anything other than being home of the Green Bay Packers.

Which means it’s residents can’t really justify pulling the “my city is better than yours” card, claiming that anything that’s ever been achieved within their city limits is a direct reflection of their own personal accomplishment. They don’t claim fame to the cheese-steak, or the Space Needle, or the Washington monument.

The Green Bay Packers are just a football team for the sake of being a football team. Nothing more, nothing less. And that’s all I was looking for.

But yet still, I really had no personal investment in the Packers. I didn’t truly care how they did from year to year. I didn’t bleed green and gold.

It felt comforting, yet empty – like a hollow marriage that you stay in because you don’t believe you can do any better

In 1995, the NFL added two new franchises, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Carolina Panthers.

Now’s my chance, I thought to myself.

“As of this moment in time” I thought to myself, “these teams can claim exactly zero fans.”

No one can brag to me about how they’ve been a lifelong fan, or they were around during the “good old days”, or call me a bandwagoner. Everybody starts from ground zero. I will support one of these two new franchises from day one.

The experience of true fandom will finally be mine.

I went with the Panthers, because their colors were better (black and Tarheel blue), and because panthers are pretty fucking awesome. Like, you know, real ones.

Like all expansion teams, they struggled initally… but the difference was that I cared. I cared when they won and lost, as hard as I could. It felt strange, but I forced myself to care about the success of a team just for the sake of doing it.

It all payed off many years later in 2003, when the Carolina Panthers suprised everybody and made an amazing run to the Superbowl.

They didn’t win the game (they lost to the Patriots by 3 in a hard-fought game), but they had an exciting, likeable team that made a spirited playoff run and exceeded all expectations.

“So this is what it feels like,” I thought. “This is what it feels like to be a fan…you’re miserable when they lose, and you’re ecstatic when they win. Now I get it.”

Fast forward to 2008. (That’s last year in case you have Alzheimer’s disease).

Despite finishing the regular season 12-4, and being heavily favored at home against the Arizona Cardinals, the Panthers not only lost, but got blown out badly, in the first round of the playoffs.

Jake Delhomme, once one of the most reliable starting QB’s in the league, threw approximately 26 interceptions in that game…and had as close to a mental breakdown as you can have in a sporting event, short of just taking off his uniform and sprinting naked out of the stadium and into traffic.

But the sickening part of this spectacle wasn’t the sheer patheticness of the Panthers effort on the field…it’s that I saw it coming a mile away.

It’s the equivalent of walking in on your wife cheating on you in your bed, and instead of being shocked or angry, you just shake your head, shrug, and call your divorce lawyer.

Once you reach that point with anything, whether it’s a marriage, a job, or a sports team, it’s time to call it quits.

There’s no point dwelling on the past, rehashing events in your head, or wondering where things went wrong or what could have been. You just cut your losses and walk away.

Would a true fan do that to their team? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. But what I’ve finally come to terms with, is what I truly am, and always have been.

A sports atheist.

Sure, I went through the same thoughts any newly divorced man would have. Should I look up my old flame, the Green Bay Packers? Should I try to hash things out with Miss Panthers? Should I take a chance with a sexy new team, like the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the San Diego Chargers?

No. It’s time to come to terms with the reality of the situation. And that is, the fact that I don’t really give a shit which team wins, and I never really have.

Does that mean I don’t love the game? NO. No, no, no. Far from it. In fact if anything I enjoy the game much more now, because I don’t really care who wins and I can just enjoy the game for what it is.

Take Monday night’s game between the Packers and Vikings, for example. As a Packers fan, I definitely would have some pretty bitter feelings towards seeing Brett Favre suit up in a Vikings uniform, and would probably have a coronary if he throws a winning touchdown pass at the last second.

But instead, I get to enjoy every moment of this ridiculous, horrible spectacle. And no matter what happens, I win.

If the Packers win, I win. If Favre wins, I win. If the game goes into two overtimes and ends in a tie, I win. If Favre retires at halftime, I win. If the game gets cancelled due to bad weather, and gets replaced by Oakland/San Diego, I win.

Because the reality is, I don’t have a favorite team. I also don’t have a favorite food, a favorite color, a favorite, band, book, movie, or anything else. Sure, I like some things more than others. Sometimes I like things and then later I decide I don’t like them, and vice versa.

Does that make me wishy-washy? I don’t think so. Does that mean I think I’m better than people who do have favorite things? No, definitely not. If anything, I’m jealous. Does it mean I’m missing the entire point of being a sports fan? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

I just like watching people play sports. If you saw a couple of dudes get into a fistfight outside a bar, and you didn’t know either of them, would you care who won? Does that mean it wouldn’t be entertaining to watch?

Sure, I’ll never truly understand the complete elation of my team winning the Superbowl after years and years of struggling. I’ll never get to run out into the street and tip over cars with my neighbors after a championship. I’ll never get to permanently damage my children by dressing them in baby-sized football jerseys and giving them an embarrasing middle name like “Elway”.

But I can live with that.

FlameThrowerMagazine.com