Former Sutton reserve keeper Wayne Shaw is set to become the face of pie makers Birds Eye. In a deal worth a reported £8 million over 3 years, Shaw will star in a range of TV and Radio adverts for the food company.

Dream

“It’s been a whirlwind,” Shaw told Soccer on Sunday. “I’m filming my first ad in Lanzarote next Tuesday with Kim Kardashian. According to the script, she swans up on the beach, winks at me, and takes a bite out of my pie. I heatbutt her unconscious and say, ‘Not on your life love. It’s a Birds Eye!’ I then roll her into the recovery position and walk away. Terrific writing.”

“The FA gambling charge doesn’t worry me,” said Shaw. “As a millionaire, I feel I’m above the law now. If I have to open the wallet and have someone killed to make this go away? That’s chump change. People might say, ‘Come on Shawsy lad, don’t let the money go to your head’. But those people are peasants. They don’t even have butlers, or pet tigers.”

“Scum,” added Shaw.

Captain

Birds Eye owner, Captain Birds Eye, insists that he is delighted to have Shaw onboard.

“Wayne is a natural,” said the unlicensed tugboat captain. “He has all the tools to become a legend in the world of pies. And if he uses his millions to have the odd person killed? I found out The Man from Delmonte was banging my wife a few years ago and had him killed, so people in glass houseboats shouldn’t throw stones.”