For the past 31 years, PNC Bank has been assembling something they call the Christmas Price Index. Similar to the U.S. Consumer Price Index, the Christmas Price Index monitors how the cost of purchasing all of the gifts given in the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas” changes from year to year, ostensibly to provide some insight into the state of the U.S. economy. It’s totally kitschy, it’s not a particularly accurate assessment of economic trends, and it’s also one of the only things I like about Christmas in America.

As far as I know, there’s no Hanukkah equivalent to the “Twelve Days of Christmas,” but Passover gives us the gift of Chad Gadya. I’d like to pretend that there’s deep rationale behind my writing this, but the truth is that I’m supposed to be studying for a comprehensive exam in Hebrew and Judaic Studies right now, and this seemed like more fun. I bring you the Chad Gadya Price Index. Enjoy.

An only kid, an only kid, my father bought for two zuzim…

Prices for a goat kid seem to vary wildly depending on what state you’re in, along with several more predictable factors such as age, size, and gender. Ignoring all of the associated supplies, feed costs, medications, and medical procedures required to care for your new dairy goat kid, you can expect to pay between $100-$300. According to the 2012 USDA Census of Agriculture, the average price for a dairy goat in NY was $185.

Total cost (adjusted for inflation): $189.13

Then came a cat that ate the kid my father bought for two zuzim…

I don’t ever remember questioning this line as a child, but now I sing the song and think to myself “what kind of a cat is big enough to eat a goat?!” Your everyday housecat won’t cut it; instead, you’ll have to look for one of the goat’s natural predators – perhaps a mountain lions or a bobcat. According to Bitterroot Bobcat and Lynx in Montana, it’s perfectly legal to adopt a bobcat kitten as long as you have the cash to shell out for it. It’s not actually legal to own a bobcat or a mountain lion (or a monkey, large reptile, bear, wolf, or venomous snake) in the state of NY, so you might have to factor in moving costs. For simplicity’s sake, let’s pretend we already live somewhere where it’s legal to own a bobcat.

Total cost: $1,750

Then came a dog that bit the cat…

The dog doesn’t come with quite the same size restrictions as the cat – after all, it really just needs to have teeth, meaning we could be talking about a particularly brave Chihuahua. Rather than focus on a specific breed of dog, I looked into general pet adoption costs in NYC. Adopting a dog from the ASPCA in NY is relatively straightforward – depending on how small and young your dog is, it can cost anywhere from $75-200, plus $50 for 5 mandatory obedience classes for puppies and $8.50 for a Department of Health dog license.

Total cost: $258.50

Then came a stick that beat the dog…

This is where things start to go off the rails, because where are you going to find a stick that can independently beat a dog? Sticks don’t spontaneously commit acts of animal cruelty. I’m not putting a price on this one. You want a stick to beat the dog you adopted from the ASPCA? I hope you injure yourself looking for one and then stumble on one of those severed goat heads that keep turning up in Prospect Park, because you deserve all of the bad things.

Total cost: The respect of your family and friends.

Then came a fire that burned the stick…

How does fire appear out of nowhere? Sounds like a lightning strike to me. Unsurprisingly, the National Fire Protection Association has a Fire Analysis and Research Division that publishes detailed reports about the costs of a wide range of fires in the U.S. One of these reports estimates the cost of lightning fires, which from 2004-2008 have caused 24,600 fires and a whopping $407 million in property damage in the United States.

One lightning strike’s worth of property damage: $18,036.95, adjusted for inflation.

The came the water and quenched the fire…

How much water does it take to put out a lightning fire? This time we turn to the Fire Protection Research Foundation, which published a report on water usage in fire fighting. They estimate an average of 8,077 gallons of water used per fully-involved fire. In NYC, water is billed on the basis of metered consumption at a rate of $3.70 per 100 cubic feet, or approximately 748 gallons. You also have to pay the sewer bill – another $5.88 per 100 cubic feet, for a total rate of $9.58 for every 748 gallons of water used.

Total cost: $103.45

Then came an ox that drank the water…

It’s surprisingly challenging to find information about purchasing oxen online, perhaps because the ox is, essentially, a cow that has been taught to work. I’m not a farmer, though, so I’m not really interested in going through the process of teaching cows how to work, so I’m in the market for an already trained ox. The average price of the four teams of oxen for sale in New York on ruralheritage.com is $625, or $312.50 per ox.

Total cost: $312.50

Then came a butcher and killed the ox…

This is one of the most straightforward products on the list. The average salary for a butcher in New York is $41,000. Assuming a healthy adult will work 40 hours/week, 50 weeks out of the year, the hourly butcher salary is $20.50. It takes a full eight-hour day to butcher cattle, and after reading through all of the steps involved I am feeling recommitted to my vegetarianism.

Total cost: $164.00

Then came the angel of death that slew the butcher…

If you thought things were weird already, it’s about to get a whole lot weirder because we’re in the market for an assassin. Unless you’ve got connections that I don’t have, it’s seemingly impossible to hire an actual angel, so we’ll have to settle for a human stand-in. Conveniently, there’s an entire category of serial killers known as Angels of Death, who are almost always nurses or doctors in their day-to-day lives.

Assuming you can find a serial killer that hasn’t been caught and persuade them to kill someone on your behalf, the average RN salary in New York is $74,000, or about $35.58 an hour. How long does it take an Angel of Death to kill someone? I really have no idea, so I’m going to assume it takes about two weeks and then move on. My research for this question probably got me put on a watch list of some sort. Dear FBI: I have no actual interest in killing anyone.

Total cost: $2,766.40 and your place in the world to come

Then came the Holy One, blessed be God, and destroyed the Angel of Death…

This is where the wheels really fall off the wagon, because angels are immortal and can only be destroyed by God, who isn’t available for hire as far as I know. Googling “How much does it cost to hire God?” won’t get you very far. I tried to back into this question from a number of different angles (for example: human beings are created in the image of God; how much is a human life worth?) but accuracy wins out in the end. There’s no real way to calculate the price of God. If God exists, God isn’t earning a paycheck that I can see.

Total cost: Priceless

All in all, you’re going to need to shell out $23,580.93, the respect of your family and friends, and your place in the world to come to purchase everything mentioned in Chad Gadya. Two zuzim, on the other hand, are currently worth $3.86 (3.51 grams of silver per zuz, $.55 per gram of silver). In isolation, this information means nothing – we’ll have to check back next year to figure out how things are changing over time. Perhaps in the coming year someone will figure out how to purchase God.