Sam Allardyce

He's not mad at you, but your father Sam Allardyce can't hide his disappointment that you didn't choose to follow him into the family sheet metal business.

Roberto Martinez

The finest freelance hit man between Lisbon and Cairo; the greatest lover between Stockholm and Algiers; alternate driver for the Red Bull Rallycross Team.

Eddie Howe

Child star with annoyingly boyish looks desperate to finally get a serious role at the age of 38.

Alan Pardew

Alan Pardew is the greasy stepfather you never liked. He may also be a Swedish transport minister. Either way, he eats all the chips, and shamelessly blames you for it every time.

Claudio Ranieri

Maurice Threanwinkle, Staff CPA, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Jurgen Klopp

Your older brother who graduated from MIT with honors. Also your brother who recently moved back in with your parents to "figure some things out" by their pool for a few months. (Years.) (Whatever, time's a lie told by Cartesian nabobs, man.)

Manuel Pellegrini

Manuel Pellegrini is the uncle you've always liked! The one time you went over to his house when you were a kid, the entire place was filled with cigarette cartons and empty bottles of Malbec.

Guus Hiddink

A provincial French police officer, retired with a dodgy knee, still cycles around town in his uniform. Not falling for your lies, and is definitely on to your schemes.

Louis van Gaal

A very large and surly goose, feared and respected by casual boaters and rowers up and down the River Cam.

Alex Neil

When you want to hire Jude Law for your Euro-only release action movie but can only afford his stunt double.

Ronald Koeman

A lifelong restaurant chain executive who just discovered a massive Hepatitis A outbreak in his kitchens.

Mark Hughes

The man in the horror movie who knows what evil doings happened in the village 30 years ago, but can't talk about it.

Francesco Guidolin

An uncompromising and, frankly, unpleasant man. Demanding, recalcitrant and temperamental even to children, dogs and the rich and powerful. He once made Vladimir Putin wait three hours in his lobby, and failed to offer him so much as a single cup of tea.

But a man of a certain class can only wear the finest suits in the world. And only Francesco Guidolin makes them.

Mauricio Pochettino

Mauricio Pochettino is a promising young politician full of big ideas, but knows in the back of his mind the bizarre sex scandal that will ruin his career is hiding around every corner.

Quique Flores

Oh, he may smile from time to time, but make no mistake. Wherever he stands, Quique Flores is on a train platform bidding a bittersweet farewell to the only woman he will ever love.

Tony Pulis

The angry screaming dad banned from every youth soccer league match for 200 miles in any direction.

Slaven Bilić

He's your new neighbor who seems like a perfectly nice guy, but Slaven Bilić's eyes cannot hide the horrible, unspeakable things he's witnessed.

Remi Garde

A middle manager who just took a big promotion and suddenly finds himself in way over his head.

Steve McLaren

[/in thickest Alabama accent imaginable]

WELL WE THOUGHT WE'D GET A GOOD RUN TODAY IN THE FARMERS ONLY DOT COM CHEVY BUT WE CAUGHT A PIECE OF DEBRIS ON LAP 128. DON'T CARE HOW GOOD SHE IS IN THE GARAGE, YOU PUT A PIECE OF SHEET METAL UP INTO AN ENGINE AT 190 MILES PER HOUR AND THAT'LL END YOUR DAY SURE AS YOU'RE BORN. WE GOT DARLINGTON NEXT WEEK, THOUGH, AND WE'LL RACE A FAIR PIECE BETTER THERE, LORD WILLIN'. I'D LIKE TO THANK COKE, BC HEADACHE POWDER, AND HARDEE'S. WIN SOME, LOSE SOME, WRECK SOME, RIGHT?

Arsene Wenger

Looks like: Arsene Wenger.