Ever find yourself in a conversation with someone with whom you share absolutely no common ground? Where the two of you attempt to be civil and find some area of shared interest, only to realize that speaking to each other is physically hurting you both? That’s how I felt when I spoke to all of the interns this morning. I did my best to abide by the social contract, that unwritten constitution that tells us to cooperate with our fellow man. It was going ok until they started talking. And that was when I felt my airways closing, my neck hairs standing on end, and my hands clenching into fists.

I was an intern once, but I had an internship in finance, and I was paid a pro-rated analyst salary, which was solid. The overtime kicked in around Thursday and as a junior in college, it was more money than I’d ever imagined I’d make. I don’t know what our interns make, but based on how much weight they’ve lost, it can’t be much.

When they first started, the interns were up on the third floor with all the famous people like Big Cat and Dave, which was the entire reason they wanted to work here in the first place. But after a week, they were downgraded to the second floor because they were rifling through the snack closet, stuffing their shorts with granola bars and potato chips because they can’t afford a plate of food groups. These guys are literally starving. They told me that bagel Monday and bagel Friday (we get bagels twice a week, lol) are “big” days for them. Super important to their survival. They eat their bodyweight in dough to stock up for the mid-week fast, like bears preparing for winter.

“But you must eat something Tuesday-Thursday, right?” I asked.

“Dollar pizza slices…”

“Lots of cereal.”

“Toast.”

Each chimed in with his own calorie hack. Like prisoners teaching the new inmates the ropes, they spoke of methods for tricking their stomachs into feeling full. “Sometimes you can chug a bunch of water really fast, and that will tide you over for a few hours.” As someone who routinely eats five square meals a day, I was horrified by the monochromatic hue and vitamin-deficient character of their diets.

Adding ten more dudes also raised the temperature of the office and broke the air-condition system because they sweat profusely due to their anemic nutrition plans. Needless to say, we (the celebrities) were thrilled when they were tossed down the stairs and told never to return. But I still feel bad for them, because I know–scientifically speaking–they’re human beings. So I pay them visits, which they love. You can tell because whenever I come say hi, they perk up like horses smelling the stable boy with the morning oat bag. I head down armed with a jumbo bottle of hand sanitizer and some apple slices in case they grow restless. I dislike the sensation of their hot breath and lips pulling the apples from my hands, and that’s where the sanitizer comes in.

The interns have some fascinating stories. Here are some of the best:

Jake Sievers (aka Jake the Rake)

Jake has two roommates. Both are women. One is 32, the other is 36. Jake is 20. In other words, Jake is a frustrated, career-oriented bachelorette living in a young boy’s body. I asked him if he found his apartment on Craigslist, and he said no, his mom did. I then asked if he hangs out with his roommates often:

“We’ve gotten pizza together. And one time, they had a party on the rooftop to watch fireworks. I went for a bit, but it was all women in their mid-thirties, so I didn’t stay that long.”

I don’t know about you, but there is something so outrageously funny about picturing this guy…

… bringing pinot grigio and almond milk ice cream to a rooftop party of women nearly twice his age. According to Jake, he has lost 15 pounds since the start of his internship because he can’t afford food.

Ben Digiulio

You may recall from the intern interviews that Ben was a Barstool employee, in his mind, long before he walked into the office. I don’t mean to take anything away from his viceroy work at Syracuse. By all accounts, he has done a spectacular job galvanizing Barstool support among the Orange faithful. He wore more custom Barstool gear to his interview than we have in stock on barstoolsports.com/store right now. I interviewed him with Frankie and it was the hardest I’ve laughed all year:

As for Ben’s living situation, here’s what I learned:

F: “How was your weekend?”

Ben: “Amazing. I got a bed.”

F: “What were you sleeping on before that?”

Ben: “An air mattress. But it had holes. So for the last week, I’ve just been sleeping on the floor.”

F: “I hear that’s good for your back though.”

Ben: “I think if you have back problems, it is. But my back was fine. Until I started sleeping on the floor. Now I have back problems.”

Honestly, if you had told me this guy didn’t have any back problems prior to his air mattress decaying on him, I would have called you a liar. I would have bet the rent he was the back brace kid in high school. That would explain why he has so much custom gear, and why that button-down shirt was so baggy. You can’t wear a slim-fit over a back brace. It makes you look like a terrorist hiding a suicide vest.

Craig White

Craig is a video intern and is actually quite skilled at editing, so I like him because he brings value to me personally. He has a nice, boyish face and keeps to himself. I like to look at him.

Craig actually has the best living situation of all the interns. He explained to me that he was planning to buy a house in Cincinnati*, but that he decided to rent an NYU dorm room for the summer instead.

Let’s look at that again.

Craig was going to buy a house, but instead, he used that money to rent a dorm room for 10 weeks. I don’t know much about the housing market in Cincinatti, but good God almighty. He said his dorm room costs $4,000 for the 10 weeks, which is obviously a lot for a dorm room but seems pretty on-par with what you’d expect in New York City. The real question here is, who is advising young Craig on his financial decisions? Dude, buy the fucking house in Cincinnati! Assets man. Think long term. Sure, it’s nice to have a place to bring little miss somethin’ that you meet at a Murray Hill bar on a Tuesday night, but it’s even nicer to have 60% of your mortgage paid off by the time you’re 30. And for a dorm room, no less?

*Craig has since explained that he was going to use the $4,000 on a down payment on the house. He couldn’t buy the house outright. I don’t know anything about buying houses. Bigtime rental guy here. Was much funnier to me when I thought he traded full ownership of a home in Cincinnati for 10 weeks in a shitty college dorm.

Despite their destitution, they’re all good guys. Sometimes it feels like we’re quartering soldiers from some small island nation that we happen to be allies with because we need their natural resources. But they’re eager, hard-working, and easy to please. Now would probably be the right time to point you to a venmo account so you can donate to their food fund, but I’d rather see how emaciated they look when they head back to college in the fall.