Hello everyone, and welcome to another rocking season of social soccer with casual romantic undertones and light sweaty drinking. We are excited you have joined us, and we bet you are ready to get on the field and get another free t-shirt to wear on days when you do not leave the house.

Attached to this email is your team’s roster so you all can get in touch before the first game, which will take place at a semi-out of the way field at a time that is equally inconvenient for everyone.

Team Name: Vaguely Sexual Soccer Pun

The Captain

Quick with a last minute text to remind you that the team would really appreciate if you would show up to the games, as the co-ed league has a quaint requirement that half of the players on the field at all times must be female.

The All-Star

You are not really sure why this person is in this league. Just pass the ball to them, it will make things easier. They probably account for 90% of your team’s goals, but who is keeping track? (They are.)

The Fan

They registered more for the “social” than the “soccer” aspect and, after an unfortunate outing in the opening half of the first game where they somehow sprained their ankle while walking onto the field, they have been relegated to clapping on the sideline.

The Critic

These fucking refs am I right? I mean it is like they have never even seen a football match before. Yellow card? YELLOW CARD!?! Oh so NOW we are giving out penalties!

The One-Timer

Will show up to the first game only to never be seen or heard from again. You wonder if you should tell someone, or alert the police… but oh look it is time for you to sub into the game.

The Misconstrued Romantic Interest

Everyone always told you co-ed sports leagues were a great way to meet people, and you finally met the one. They are the most attractive person…on the team, at least. It turns out, though, that they were just smiling at you because it is endearing to them how much you suck at soccer.

The Guilt Tripper

Hey so like do we have enough players for tonight’s game or do I need to be there? I don’t mean to be a no-show for the third week in a row, things are just really busy at work…and my wife’s extended family is in town…and I mean by the time I get there in this traffic it will probably be the second half anyways…

The Passer

With an unbridled passion for the team, they compensate for their absolute lack of soccer skills by only passing the ball…straight to the other team.

The Drinker

The only time they run is to the league sponsored happy hour after the game.

The Goalie

God bless you and everything you do.

The Does Anyone Have A Friend?

We are a couple of players short, and we would hate to have to forefit after all paying $65 plus tax to be here, right? They do not have to even be good at soccer! Just get ’em here and get ’em the league-mandated team shirt.