WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a state of panic after their father dispatched troops to the Middle East, Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr., have both sought medical notes from a Manhattan podiatrist.

According to an official statement from Donald Trump, Jr.,’s spokesperson, John Barron, Jr., the two Trump boys obtained the medical notes “out of an abundance of caution.”

The podiatrist’s notes, which were made public by Barron, paint a picture of two otherwise healthy young men with foot problems that can only be described as dire.

According to the podiatrist, Eric Trump is unable to operate his feet while chewing gum, while one of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s feet appears to be permanently lodged in his mouth.