Him: So, I’ve noticed something.

Me: What’s that?

Him: Just that things are different this time. You’re behaving differently this time around.

Me: Oh, no… it’s not –

Him: And I’m not going to lie…

Me: Are you sure?

Him: What?

Me: I was hoping we might lie to one another.

Him: You’re an idiot. I was going to say that I’d be lying if I didn’t notice your change in attitude this visit, and in all honesty, I’ve been linking it to my own negative feelings about myself…

Me: What?

Him: Just… It’s been making me feel unattractive, or inadequate otherwise. Which is CRAZY, Michael. Just crazy. Everyone loves my personality.

Me: Myself included. You’re a great guy. Very fun, and funny and super attractive. Don’t do that to yourself.

Him: I don’t know how else to explain this distance I feel from you.

Me: I’m doing this to everyone these days. I’m sorry. Look, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately, and somehow that’s making me withdraw from quite a few people. I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with you. You’re very attractive and all, but I just don’t feel like being physical right now. With anyone. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me….

Him: If you wind up committing suicide can I have your ukulele?

Me: Of course you can. Not the big one that I play onstage, but the smaller one that I use for composing – sure.

Him: Thanks.

Me: BUT. Only if it’s a suicide. If I die of natural causes you get nothing.

Him: Of course. I understand.

Me: Look. I’m sorry I haven’t been as physical with you as I was before, but I’m really glad you’re here. You’ve been a lot of fun, and I’ve had a good time with you.

Him: Me too.

Me: Good.

Him: Hey. Don’t freak out, but I love you, okay? Not in some grandiose romance movie sort of way, but just in the way that I know I’ll care about you for my whole life, and that I hope to have a very close friendship with you.

Me: Okay. I feel the same way. I have a whole lot of fondness and respect for you, and hey…

Him: What?

Me: I think you’re funny.

Him: So are you.

Me: Okay then.

Him: Thanks for chatting.

Me: Should we play some Skyrim?

Him: YES!!

Me: Okay, but don’t go around pickpocketing people in broad daylight, or attack the town guards just to get a rise out of them.

Him: Callista does what she wants. She’s a renegade.

Me: You’re impossible.

Him: You’re a jerk.

Me: I know.