I’ll start by saying it is so much more than just the symptoms that they incorporate. I can only speak for myself and what others I have spoken to tell me but there is still a massive gap between knowledge of the conditions and perception. Depression is not just feelings of sadness, and anxiety not just of nervousness.

Depression

Lots of people think depression is only associated with feelings of sadness and is a lot of the time mistaken for grief. Although traumatic experiences can trigger states of depression, justified sadness is perfectly healthy and normal. People with depression often feel things with no real reason behind them.

Emptiness – When I was in a depressed state, a lot of the time I felt nothing, both physically and emotionally. It feels like layers of who you are leave you, and you’re sort of just this shell of a person. This was often the scariest time in a depressed episode as you start to act impulsively to try and feel something, anything, without thought of the consequences. You also lose the warm feeling you get inside you; it feels like you’re filled with a cold void.

Guilt – For me guilt was always a symptom of a depressed episode. Feeling guilty for being upset when there was nothing wrong in my life. Intense shame that I couldn’t fix it, and that I needed help just to be me. Feeling guilty to be alive. Not feeling worthy of a place on this Earth. Guilt takes up a lot of emotional energy and often leads to feelings of emptiness or despair.

Despair – Think of it like inside you’re crying and calling out for help but not showing emotion on the outside. Negative thought patterns always come about in states of depression, and often it is uncontrollable thoughts and feelings that feel like they’re not welcome inside your head. I often felt helpless, like an intense focal point at which the universe is conjuring all its negative energy.

Anxiety

Consensus still believes that anxiety is just getting nervous all the time, which is untrue. It has more to do with the intensity or origin of this feeling. Imagine the feelings you get when you’re leaning too far back on a chair and realise you’re about to fall. That’s the feeling of anxiety, except it isn’t over in an instant; it can last hours, days, even weeks.

Mania – This describes states of hyperactivity and obsession. Often anxious people will obsess over something; whether it is a thought or feeling and it cripple their ability to function healthily. The worst part is that people with anxiety know that these are irrational but are unable to shake the feeling. Imagine knowing that your partner is not cheating on you and trusting them but having this overwhelming feeling that they are and being unable to stop it. It feels like you’re not in control.

Intense Nervousness – Imagine that feeling I described before, but also physically feeling that your nerve endings are frying inside you. I often likened it to feeling you’re about to burst into confetti. This can seriously affect people’s ability to function in any sort of social environment.

These symptoms and perspectives I have covered are only the tip of the iceberg. There are many other states I did not experience that are just as real and prevalent today as the ones that I did. And they can continue for days, weeks and years. It takes up so much energy when you’re battling yourself for control of your own being. It’s exhausting. The point is that everyone experiences his or her mental illness differently from everyone else. In writing this I hope I’ve given the majority something to relate to and identify with.

Remember, you are not alone. And from the ashes, you will rise.

Liam.

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