SHELBYVILLE, KY—Having noticed him wincing and letting out low groans each time he stood up, sources confirmed that local man Joel Braley’s back was really bothering him Friday following a poor night’s sleep and 58 continuous years of terrible posture. “Oh man, my back’s killing me,” said the man who was tossing and turning all night and spent most of the preceding six decades hunched forward over a desk, computer keyboard, or, more recently, his phone. “I guess I slept on it funny [and never throughout my life figured out how to stand upright without slouching or leaning against a stationary object]. Christ, I really did a number on it last night [and every previous day for almost 60 years]. Oww.” Sources later confirmed that Braley was going to try to alleviate his back pain by lying down on his couch and keeping stationary for the rest of the evening as well as most of the remaining 16 years of his life.

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