LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at least one thing we are thankful for this year,” said Lerner, who seemed to think that she inhabited some bullshit sentimental oil painting from 1943 that was probably called something like “Bond Of A Thankful Family.” “Come on, Matthew, you don’t have anything that you’re appreciative for? Okay fine, I’ll go first. I’m truly blessed that I [live in a fucking fantasyland that some dead guy invented and that has never and will never exist for me or anyone else at this table].” At press time, Lerner beckoned her children to gather around the piano so that they could all sing songs together as if it were a goddamn Frank Capra movie.

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