CLEVELAND—Looking on as the grown man paced around outside Quicken Loans Arena in breeches and repeatedly proclaimed that he “cannot tell a lie,” police officers posted outside the Republican National Convention told reporters Tuesday they were desperately hoping for any opportunity to take a swing at a demonstrator dressed as George Washington. “I swear, the second things start getting out of hand and I get the go-ahead, I’m going right over there and knocking that fucking wig off,” said Cleveland police sergeant Dennis Tholen, explaining how he had been stifling an urge all day to confiscate the middle-aged individual’s mock 18th-century long rifle and ram its stock right into his ruffled cravat. “Oh man, what I would give to be able to shoot him square in the face with my beanbag gun while he’s reading from his copy of the Declaration of Independence. Then I’d get my truncheon in under that stupid fucking coat of his, put him in an armlock, and slam him tricorner-hat-first into the pavement. Boy, I really hope I get the chance.” Tholen added that while it might be too much to ask for, he would love to hear the Washington impersonator switch from his affected colonial-era diction into scared, earnest pleas not to be arrested after the FlexiCuffs were placed on him.

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