Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

1809

Abraham Lincoln is born on February 12 and immediately sworn in as the 16th president of the United States.


1817

In one terrifying night, Lincoln has the first and only growth spurt of his life, expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4 inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish sounds of snapping bones and tendons.


1828

While visiting New Orleans, he observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose during the bidding, and accidentally purchases a lot of two dozen black men.


1860

Feeling depressed while writing his autobiography, Lincoln fails to mention himself even once.


1865

April 14: Lincoln is assassinated.

1865

April 15: Lincoln resumes the presidency and serves out the rest of his term.