If someone you love is doubting their faith my heart goes out to you. 9 months ago my husband told me he no longer believed the LDS church was true. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. It was a terrifying moment and for 1 split second I thought, “Do I leave him?” You may be wondering or praying the same thing.

But before you start packing please consider these 10 things:

You’re hurt, angry, disappointed, and at least a little scared. Your spouse probably is too.

It takes courage to be honest about your feelings. Especially when you know those feelings may not be understood and probably won’t be mutual. So, while you have every right to feel the way you do be grateful your spouse loves and respects you enough to be open with you.

2. Try to remember why you married this person in the first place.

If you married your spouse only because they were a member and could help you get into the Celestial Kingdom then it may be time to call it quits. However, if you married this person because of their awesome personality or the fun things you enjoy doing together try to focus on those things.

3. Are they still a good person?

When someone loses their faith you should expect some changes in them, but who they are at their base as a human being won’t change dramatically. It’s unlikely they will suddenly become abusive or go on a killing spree while robbing banks. Make a list of things you like about your spouse and their personality traits (i.e. generous, patient, fun, hard-working, etc) to help you see they’re still that same person.

4. Are they a good husband/wife? Are they a good father/mother?

Throughout our struggle I found myself comparing my husband with other men in our ward…usually my friends’ husbands. These were men I admired because of their devotion to the gospel and the priesthood leadership they brought into their homes. In my everyday conversations with my friends we would talk about how helpful our husbands were or weren’t. I came to realize that my husband was incredibly helpful, especially compared to these other men. He played with the children, helped with the household chores, would come home from a long day at work and cook dinner. No, he wouldn’t be that “priesthood holding” example, but I could see that he loved me and that he loved our children.

5. Have you read what they have read? Heard what they have heard?

I’m not going to tell you that you should search out all the anti-Mormon literature, but you should take into consideration that it’s unfair of you to pass judgement before knowing what they know. If you don’t want to know, that’s fine. Your spouse should respect that, but it’s not right for you to try to push belief on them without walking in their shoes.

6. Communication

There were so many questions I had about how my husband’s lost faith would effect my family. We started passing a journal back and forth to get that communication going. You could do this through email or even sit down and talk it out. However you do it, remain calm and be respectful. You may not agree on everything, but that’s not the point. The point is to try to better understand one another.

7. Compromise is a 2-way street.

It’s so much easier and a lot more fun to agree on everything. Unfortunately, that’s just not realistic. Compromising may not always be fun, but it’s necessary in any healthy relationship. Both parties have to be willing to do a little sacrificing. Once my husband stopped believing he also stopped paying tithing. We understood that it would be unfair of me to demand he pay tithing just as it would be unfair of him to prevent me from paying my tithing. Any $ I made was mine to choose whether or not to pay tithing on.

8. Get support.

I would strongly advise against pushing your spouse to talk to someone about their issues. Again, until you’ve read what they’ve read or heard what they’ve heard you have no idea what the issue(s) could be. However, I know the burden of being the sole spiritual leader in the home and the stress that can put on a person. Talk to your spouse about the desire to share with someone as added support. It helps to have someone to talk to about your challenges who isn’t directly involved. I would advise caution when selecting someone to confide in. Be certain this is someone you can trust with such sensitive information and possibly ask they just listen and not offer unsolicited advice.

9. Spend quality time together.

Being married can be awesome, but it takes a lot of hard work. When you’re disagreeing about something as important as religion that can put an enormous strain on your relationship. Devote time to each other. Instead of playing on your phone or computer play cards or a board game together. Go on a hike, a walk, a drive. Do things you know you enjoy doing together and try to find something new to enjoy together.

10. The Future.

No one knows the future. You have no idea what could happen a year, 10 years, 50 years from now. Your spouse may never regain their testimony, but if you leave them just because they lost their testimony it’s pretty certain they will never try.

1 Corinthians 7:12-13 “…If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.”

Divirce was not the answer for me. Maybe it is for you, but please take the time to make certain. And maybe ask God a different question: “Should I stay?”

Best of luck and lots of love!

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I am not a licensed therapist. This is not a “1 size fits all” answer. If you are in an abusive relationship seek professional help immediately.