I’ve concluded that Other Women enjoy the pick me dance — but only when the chump is clueless that she’s performing it. Sorry to go all gender-and-orientation-specific on you, but in six years of running this blog, I have never, ever seen an Other Man troll this site, write to me for sympathy, or gloat to a guy chump that he “won”. (Maybe they do. Maybe you don’t talk about it. Guys lurk according to Google analytics.)

But I think this whole fuckwit-Thunderdome-I-AM-THE-CONQUERING-VICTOR-eat-shit dynamic is unique to straight women. Because… the patriarchy. Because men are supposed to be some commodity we hang our worth on. Because financial dependence. Because the high stakes of breeding. Because… I don’t know, I’m spitballing. But sociopathic OW keep writing to me.

Their letters go something like this:

Chump Lady, can you believe how pathetic Cindy Chump is? I told her about your site. I’ve subscribed her to articles! But that dumb cow stays. What a doormat! He loves ME. He’s been a serial cheat, of course. But ours is a sophisticated love that surpasseth all understanding! She keeps taking him back preventing him from his True Destiny — being 600 miles from his children with ME! WTF, Chump Lady! Can you knock some sense into her? — Kisses, Hortense.

Yes, apparently I’m providing some sort of public service to mistresses everywhere by convincing chumps to leave their asshole husbands. You’re welcome.

If you don’t believe me, read the archives. I occasionally run their letters. (And then Tempest has to spend the day troll zapping.)

So, my point… (I was getting to one)… Other Women LOVE the triangle. They stay in it. They “win” the turd and gloat about it. The more sociopathic ones taunt the chump. I had one of these. She signed her letters “Samuel Clemens.” (Bitch tried to ruin Mark Twain. I’m sorry, but I’ll be goddamned if I trigger over Huckleberry Finn.)

Some observations:

1.) The pick me dance is fun when the chump is clueless. Insofar as the OW thinks of the chump, she imagines all the ways she is superior. Cindy does not Sufficiently Appreciate Him. Hortense has the competitive edge on the pick me dance the same way Mike Tyson would have the competitive edge on someone blindfolded and hogtied. It’s very easy to compete with someone who has no idea they’re competing. And who is handicapped by real life — unsexy things like mortgages and children.

2.) The pick me dance stakes get higher when the chump finds out. OW imagine this is only going to have one outcome — the chump leaves. When the chump does not leave, well…. pickled in months or years of “superiority”, Hortense assumes she’ll win this match handily. After all, Cindy Chump sucks, otherwise why the special love that surpasseth all understanding? Now that there is a known competitor in the ring, it’s going to feel triumphant knocking her out! More kibbles! More winning! This is Mike Tyson versus the chump with the blindfold off.

3.) You should clear the field and leave now. Somehow Cindy is going round after round of this abuse. It’s fun for Hortense, but it’s getting wearisome. Just fucking LEAVE already. Hortense sends some blog articles, some hate mail, some prayers for Cindy’s well-being. (All this later Universal Bullshit Translator fodder.) Meanwhile, the cheater is reveling in cake. Both! Centrality! Power!

And let me tell you why Cindy stays — apart from the sunk costs of love, children, and mortgages — she stays because of Hortense. Chumps get caught up in winning the pick me dance too, especially when some idiot tells them they’re doing it wrong.

Cindy’s like, I’ll SEE YOU IN HELL, Hortense! How dare you call me a doormat! How dare you say I don’t love my husband! WATCH ME COOK THIS POT ROAST!

Ugh! No!

Cindy is there perfecting her pick me dance and her pot roast, because Hortense — an OBVIOUS fuckwit — insulted her pick me dance.

DO NOT PICK ME DANCE FOR FUCKWITS, people! So what if Hortense wins? Now she gets to triangle (rectangle, dodecahedron) all over again with someone else. Let her have the turd. LET HER WIN. Let her get into the ring with her perceived superiority and see how she fares. (My money is on Karma knocking her flat.)

And for any of you OW reading? Please quit writing to me. Thank you.