Prepared by the Department of Intelligence

A transcript of an encounter between SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J-1 through -4, and Valerie McIntyre was captured with a laser microphone on 12/17/2016.

Valerie McIntyre requested a ride from a location in Harrison, New Jersey to the Prudential Center in downtown Newark.

SCP-029-J has appeared with a 1.7% chance to date, to any particular user's request. An important note is that SCP-029-J can appear in multiple places at once, and has been observed to be given a maximum of 7 rides at once.

Involved Foundation Assets: Agent Rocco Ricciardi, Level 3, Intelligence Division. Agent Lisa Stokes, Level 1, Intelligence Division (probational)

Encountered Anomalies: SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J-1, SCP-029-J-2, SCP-029-J-3, SCP-029-J-4

SCP-029-J: Alright, shut up, shut up they're coming.

SCP-029-J-2: You think you can pull this off?

SCP-029-J-2 has the appearance of a late model sedan. No identifying badges can be seen. Its license plate reads SPQRSUX.

SCP-029-J: I don't really care, you think that "supply side jesus" stuff is okay?

SCP-029-J-2: Whatever.

SCP-029-J-1: At least you're not riding on your fucking eyes, Mike.

SCP-029-J-3: Stop moaning, Ray.

SCP-029-J: Gabe, shut up and start the music!

SCP-029-J-3: Fine, fine.

"Rock Me Sexy Jesus" from the "Hamlet 2" soundtrack can be heard playing from SCP-029-J-3.

McIntyre approaches the car.

McIntyre: Hi, Jesus? [Pronounced as in the Hispanic form]

SCP-029-J: Actually it's Yeshua, but you can call me Jay if you want, that's me!

McIntyre: Awesome, thanks!

McIntyre opens the door to SCP-029-J's vehicle. SCP-029-J-4 begins making sounds approximating an engine turning over, and idling. Poorly.

SCP-029-J-4: NnnnVROOM! BrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrrBRBrbrbrbrbr.

SCP-029-J: Comfortable back there? Would you like a bottle of water? I've got refrigerated, mineral, holy, transubstantiated into wine…

McIntyre: Err, haha, no I'm alright, but it's a little warm, can you turn up the AC?

SCP-029-J leans down towards the dashboard.

SCP-029-J: Come on Mike, ease up the fiery wings a bit, she's uncomfortable.

SCP-029-J-2: I swear. I've lead God's forces to glory for thousands of battles. I'm supposed to be your general, but now I'm climate control for lazy millenials today. Sheesh.

SCP-029-J-2 ceases to appear as a late model sedan, and can be seen in its angelic form (See Description). Its wings make up the bulk of the vehicle's chassis, with its face situated where the rear axle should be. SCP-026-J-1 continues to appear as non-anomalous wheels.

McIntyre: Holy fuck, what the fuck! Jesus Christ, what the hell is this?!

SCP-029-J: Hey! That's not very nice! Don't be a dick to Mike and Ray!

SCP-029-J-2: Yeah what the deuce, lady. I've got human butt meat on my face, and you're screaming at me?! I'm trying to do you a favor with the fire here!

SCP-029-J-2 returns to its physical appearance of a late-model sedan. SCP-029-J-1 begins turning at this point, prompting Foundation agents to follow.

SCP-029-J-1: Ow ow ow ow ow ow…

SCP-029-J-2: You okay Ray?

SCP-029-J-1: Broken…glass…ow.. Just had to pick the most run down hellhole on earth: New Jersey.

McIntyre has begun screaming at this point, and attempting to leave SCP-029-J's vehicle, but is unable to climb over SCP-029-J-2.

McIntyre: Oh god, oh god, oh god, please help me.

SCP-029-J: Yeah, I'm trying. Calm down lady. Ray, come on man, say the thing.

SCP-029-J-1: Alright, alright.

SCP-029-J-1 can be heard making a sound similar to clearing its throat

SCP-029-J-1: BE NOT AFRAID.

McIntyre stops panicking and appears shocked and agitated.

McIntyre: Are you fucking with me?! That's it?! "Be not afraid?"

SCP-029-J-1: Hey, it was good enough for his mom.

McIntyre: Wait…his mom…what the fuck, you're literally Jesus? That's not just a name?

SCP-029-J: Of course! We're all here to try and reach the people. And what better way, but through Uber! Jesus saves…you a trip! Ha!

Several seconds pass. SCP-029-J-3 ceases to play music.

SCP-029-J-3: Awkward.

SCP-029-J-1: By the way, we're here. Also, ow.

McIntyre: Open the fucking door.

SCP-029-J: Oh come on lady, I'm Jesus Christ, Lamb of God! I'm here to help!

McIntyre: Just open the door.

SCP-029-J: Okay, okay. No need to crucify anyone or anything. Ha-ha!

Several moments pass

SCP-029-J: No? Alright, open the door, Mike.

SCP-029-J-2 opens its side door, and McIntyre quickly exits in to the building.

McIntyre: FREAK!

Several moments pass in silence.

SCP-029-J: So…think she's gonna tip us?