There is a glimmer of hope in this terrible fortnight. Donald Trump is clearly making it up as he goes along, with announcements such as: “The wall is going ahead but may be part trellis with clematis plants, with holes in the petals for snipers to fire at immigrants because America is great at flowers, and a castle somewhere in Kansas if that’s on the border but we’ll check because I’ve got guys who are great at checking, and the top half of the wall will be made out of trifle and we’re going to put extra whipped cream on it because the Mexicans are paying.”

He has to carry out his promise to build the wall because, as he explained, “650 million people could pour in.” That would mean every single person from Mexico, and Canada, and Central America, and South America, and Egypt, would all move to the United States at once.

The Grand Canyon would become El Salvador. Argentina would fill up Lake Michigan. No rockets could take off from Cape Canaveral because Bolivians would be camping on the launch pad.

So if you were picky you might doubt the figure of 650 million, but that’s to miss the point because we’re now in a post-correct numbers era. We’ve listened long enough to “experts” adding things up properly and where has that got us?

Trump supporter cites Japanese internment camps as 'precedent' for Muslim registry

It’s time to put America in the hands of people who aren’t afraid to be utterly irrational, such as Trump’s chief strategist Stephen Bannon, whose wife swore he wouldn’t let his daughter go to a school as there were “too many whiny brat Jews”.

In this refreshing post-correct numbers era, Trump’s team will be free to explain how over 8 million Jews whine every day, which uses up 130 per cent of US energy reserves every hour, forcing 4 billion hard-working Americans to go eight years without biscuits. And how could anyone expect his daughter to learn anything in those conditions?

Now at last we can bring an end to this tiresome political correctness, which insists you can’t say something is true just because you made it up.

Instead America can begin to address its problems with solutions like Trump’s proposal to place all Muslims on a register. This is an exciting new policy, fresh and inventive, and makes you wonder why no regime in the past has ever considered forcing one religious group to register with the authorities, while blaming them for the country’s problems.

If it works well, maybe they could make it fun by getting them to report to the police every week and wear pretty little stars and all live cosily together in the same part of town. It’s a shame this sort of thing has never been tried before as it would then be easy to prove this is sure to end well.

The registration for Muslims could be even more accurate if they’re all made to fill out one of those personality quizzes called “How jihadist are you?” They would have to answer a series of question such as: “You’ve had a stressful morning as the washing machine has broken down and need to unwind. Do you a) book yourself in for a foot massage b) relax with a bottle of wine and a takeaway pizza c) strap gelignite to your chest and march into Walmart screaming, ‘In the name of Allah the almighty, the merciful, let us bring holy war to your infidel faulty appliances, peace be upon him” and blow yourself up?’

Donald Trump's most controversial quotes Show all 14 1 /14 Donald Trump's most controversial quotes Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On Isis: "Some of the candidates, they went in and didn’t know the air conditioner didn’t work and sweated like dogs, and they didn’t know the room was too big because they didn’t have anybody there. How are they going to beat ISIS?" Getty Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On immigration: "I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words." Reuters Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On Free Trade: "Free trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people." PAUL J. RICHARDS | AFP | Getty Images Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On Mexicans: "When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists." Getty Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On China: "I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China. Am I supposed to dislike them?... I love China. The biggest bank in the world is from China. You know where their United States headquarters is located? In this building, in Trump Tower." Getty Images Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On work: "If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable." AP Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On success: "What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate." Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On life: "Everything in life is luck." AFP Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On ambition: "You have to think anyway, so why not think big?" Getty Images Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On his opponents: "Bush is totally in favour of Common Core. I don't see how he can possibly get the nomination. He's weak on immigration. He's in favour of Common Core. How the hell can you vote for this guy? You just can't do it." Reuters Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On Obamacare: "You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high. It's virtually useless. And remember the $5 billion web site?... I have so many web sites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a web site. It costs me $3." Getty Images Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On Barack Obama: "Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him. I have the best courses in the world. I have one right next to the White House." PA Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On himself: "Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money." Getty Images Donald Trump's most controversial quotes On America: "The American Dream is dead. But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before and we will make America great again." GETTY

Then America could make itself even safer by passing a law that calls to prayers from a mosque are no longer allowed to witter on about Islam, and have to be truly American by being sponsored. So on a Friday you could hear the magical sounds of “Allahu akbar, hey, does all that kneeling and bending to pray take its toll on your joints? Then you need Deep Heat, specially formulated for soothing holy joint relief – just spray as you pray.”

Trump can announce none of this is anti-Muslim, as Muslims are perfectly welcome to live in America as long as they convert to Christianity. And any that can’t be bothered will be deported to the twelfth century.

It must be frustrating to see Muslims getting away with being Muslim, especially if you’re a Trump-supporting Christian fundamentalist Tea Party member, as you must think, ‘Why can’t they be calm and peaceful like us?’

You’ll never catch an evangelist Christian in America getting annoyed about everyday issues such as abortion or teaching evolution, and they’re so pacifist they sometimes go all the way to the kitchen and back without a spare flame-thrower in case the first one goes wrong.

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The inclusive nature of Trump has already had an effect, because Isis are said to be delighted with his victory, and a former member of the Ku Klux Klan was one of the first organisations to congratulate him. Who else could bring together these two groups in a charming display of unity like that? Psychopaths everywhere seem willing to put aside their differences to rejoice in Trump becoming president, and that can only be encouraging.