Like all corporations I loathe hiring people. Of course, unlike most employers I at least am honest enough to admit it, but right now, right here, I will confess I LOATHE hiring people.

And for many and good reason.

First, employees cost money. Money that could be going into my pockets. I find it cute and fanciful how corporations lie and say, "Employees are our best asset"...right before they announce massive layoffs. But this extolling the values of their "precious employees" is merely PR and marketing. The truth is we all would rather do without employees because they are antithetical to profit.

Second, they are the cause of nearly all the problems employers face. Yes, my computer occasionally goes down. Yes, sometimes the lights go off. But bar natural disasters and the simple hiccups that come with nature, 99.9999% of my problems are human-caused. This, combined with onerous employment law/regulation, ensures I have as little full time employees as possible, and contract work as much as possible. I want as little human intervention and cogs in my business machine because it operates better, smoother, more efficiently, more reliably, and more profitably.

Third, just as it is antithetical for my business to hire people as it lowers profit, it is also antithetical for them to work for me as it really is just compensated slavery. In short both the employer and employee would rather not be there because it goes against our best interests. I want maximized profits. They want maximized freedom. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a socialist utopia where everything is free, so I need them, they need me, and work is an unavoidable, necessary evil of this life.

But necessary as employees are to employers in America, there is one instance where I will draw the line in the sand. There is one instance where I will not lower my standards no matter how desperately in need of an employee I am. Because come hell or high water it simply is not worth the pain to hire, deal with, and ultimately babysit a modern day liberal arts graduate.

In the past this may have been different. I’m sure in the 1950’s when only smart people went to college, attaining a degree, any degree, was the hallmark of a higher quality employee. You certainly didn’t HAVE TO go to college in the 1950’s. The economy was booming enough you could simply walk out of high school and start a family at 19 if you wanted. So if you decided to spend that extra time in college it was an indicator of a smarter, more industrious character. But today, with everybody and their cousin Vinny going to college, a college degree is nothing more than today’s high school, nay, I’d say 1950’s middle school diploma.

There is, however, one determining factor that separates the wheat from the chaff. And that is whether you majored in STEM or the liberal arts.

Now, I know, I know. Some of you have taken offense. Some of you have liberal arts degrees and have “successful careers.” And no doubt I’m sure you know “this one liberal arts grad who was a ‘great’ employee.”

Take your umbrage and shove it. My pocket book and my company are too important to entertain your statistical outliers and anecdotes. The employee talent pool is already poor enough as it is that I’m not going to risk my livelihood and the livelihood of what employees I do have, all in a magnanimous effort to spare the feelings of America’s most educated, yet most worthless labor class.

American employers simply cannot afford the risk of hiring liberal arts graduates.

…well, YOU certainly may, but I’m not. Matter of fact, I encourage my competition to hire as many of today's liberal arts graduates as possible. Nothing like sending self-inflicted torpedoes into the sides of your competitors to make your company just that much more profitable. But if this brash and blunt scathing of liberal arts applicants hasn’t deterred you yet, allow me to enumerate the very important reasons today’s employers should best avoid hiring modern day liberal arts graduates.

First, they offer no skills whatsoever. I don’t care if they have a triple doctorate in French Guatemalan Lesbian Cambodian Sculpture Studies. My company (and the rest of the economy) has no use for them. We need programmers, engineers, accountants, marketers, doers, workers, movers, and shakers. Not sanctimonious 22 year old, self-styled intellectuals who actually put CRITICAL THINKING on their resumes.

Two, they’re misinformed.

Not UNINFORMED. MISinformed. And there’s a world of difference.

An UNinformed person I can train. He or she simply doesn’t know what to do. He or she simply doesn’t know. And at least I can work with that. But give me a MISinformed person and now you just quadrupled the work and headache I have to deal with.

Be it the Marxist professors feeding these kids Marxist BS that has NOTHING to do with the real world, or telling these kids political crusades such as “saving the environment” or “diversity” or “going organic” is more important than knowing how to program C-sharp, not only is a liberal arts graduate worthless to me, I now have to spend an inordinate amount of time deprogramming this know-nothing-political automaton and REPROGRAMMING him or her with the skills my company needs. I (and most other employers) simply do not have the time or budget for this and I’d GLADLY hire a high school graduate who knows nothing than a doctorate in sociology who thinks they know everything. The high schooler is at least trainable.

Three, closely related to the brainwashing they receive in college, liberal arts majors are not driven by work ethic, humility, and a determination to succeed, but entitlement. This shows not only in their lack of work ethic, but their delusional salary and career expectations.

No, I’m not going to pay an ENGLISH MAJOR $60,000 a year with telecommuting options, let alone their health insurance, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE LIVE IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY.

No, I’m not going to give you maternity leave and tuition reimbursement for you to pursue your Masters in Women’s Studies. You can’t even show up on time, and I can’t tell if it’s because you have no work ethic or if you are so stupid you can’t tell time.

And no, I don’t care that you have an MBA from BFU. You’ve never ran a company, you’ve never done the books, and that MBA of yours hasn’t even taught you how to set up an e-mail server. You start at the entry level position just like everybody else.

Four. ADD, ADHD, Social Anxiety, Bi-Polar, etc.

Do ALL of you modern day liberal arts graduates have family and psychological problems?

A death in the family I can understand. A kid going to the hospital, by all means take the day off. But you need to take the day off because of your “social anxiety disorder” or the fact you’re having an argument with your parents…BECAUSE YOU STILL LIVE AT HOME AT 25??? That’s not a legitimate excuse, it a sign of weakness, softness, cowardice, and a pathetic lack of character. It is a sitcom social drama that has no place at my company, let alone any other employer.

And finally, let’s talk about mental health. Specifically, how it can lead to lawsuits.

Forget all the compelling and commanding reasons not to hire liberal arts graduates mentioned above. Have you seen the genuinely psychotic behavior of liberal arts graduates in today’s colleges recently? There was the political drama at Mizzou last year where students protesting (instead of studying) led to the resignation of the schools’ president and the infamous anti-free specch “we need some muscle over here” Melissa Click. There’s the Berkeley riots (which are too numerous to link to) where liberal arts majors seem more concerned about burning things and assaulting people they don’t agree with than their studies. Speaking of being anti-free speech, did you see the Middlebury kids beat up a speaker and professor because they dared to disagree with the precious liberal arts majoring snowflakes? And most recently the blatantly racist protests at Evergreen College where students demanded a day without white people. Sorry, I’m white, and I’ll never be hiring from Evergreen College.

Take your own personal politics out of it and look at this from a purely business decision.

Can you risk hiring these adult children? Forget they offer no skills or anything of value. Because of their political indoctrination they are programmed to look for reasons to be the victim and these “professional victims” are 100%, USDA certified, FDA approved, guaranteed to file a lawsuit against you for some reason or another. This doesn’t mean every English major is punching teachers, burning chairs, and preventing people they disagree from having the right to speak. I’m sure some of them, many in fact, would make great employees. But I don’t care. I don’t have the time, let alone desire to take the risk to hire from that tainted pool of college graduates. I’ll gladly over-pay a chemical engineering major $60,000 to be a secretary, or even do the job myself, before paying a “Gender Studies Major” $10,000 for the same job.

Now I know that the current strategy in the “Fortune 500, PC Land, Corporate Social Responsibility, Look at Us We’re Going Green” corporate world is to agree with these people as you virtue signal more than the next guy. To prostrate yourself at the altar of political correctness, environmentalism, going green, diversity, and all the other facets of this faux academia-inspired religion, all so you can sell an extra shirt. But mark my words, if you let this MARKETING strategy turn into your HIRING POLICY, you are in for a world of hurt. Behind closed doors (and confirmed by starting salaries for different majors) thankfully saner heads are prevailing. You may virtue signal that you are “right there with them, maaaan! Down with the evil corporations maaaaan!” And I’m quite impressed large corporations have convinced people they’re not, in fact, large, evil corporations. But if you want these good times to continue, do NOT hire a liberal arts graduate. Do not put them in positions of power. And if you must, screen the ever living hell out of them to make sure they’re not going to sue you because you didn’t grant them a day off because of their “social anxiety attack” or daddy decided to stop paying their phone bill.

And if you’re a liberal arts college student, please, by god, change your major now. It would be so much better for all of us.