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Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The Onion provides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding.


Q: How did the couple meet?



A: This arranged marriage was brokered to improve diplomatic ties between the U.K. and the USA Network.


Q: Why is the wedding breaking with tradition by being held on a Saturday?



A: Windsor Castle is completely booked for the rest of the week by a dermatology conference.


Q: What did Meghan Markle have to do to prepare for the wedding?

A: Be baptized and confirmed into the same church that condoned multiple executions of royals’ wives in the past.




Q: How many swans will be slaughtered, boiled, and served to the guests?



A: 250.

Q: What will play for the couple’s first dance?



A: As per tradition, the newlyweds will dance to the sound of teacups clinking against saucers amidst a tense silence.


Q: Will there be hats?



A: You bet your fucking ass there’ll be hats.

Q: What gifts will the royal couple receive?



A: In lieu of gifts, they have asked guests to make a donation to the British East India Company or the Royal African Company.


Q: Are we really still doing this?



A: Yes.