by Molly Ivors

Today, Ariel, the Idiot Princess, takes off her tiara and puts on a phat baseball cap and gives us a little playlet. It's a little weird, like that Far Side cartoon abut what we say to dogs and what they hear, though it is enlightening to learn what, for Ariel, this campaign is actually about.

First, it's been stripped down to its bare essentials and crucial players. There's none of those messy Dodds and Edwardses and Richardsons muddying the waters: only Clinton and Obama are onstage in the imaginary debate. (Because, you know, only they really matter.)



Second, despite the best efforts of the bemused moderator, these candidates refuse to discuss issues and traffic solely in innuendo and bitchy rumor. That's right, folks: MoDo is complaining that you can't get the candidates to discuss policy seriously. MoDo. (Just to be clear: It is not the Democratic candidates who are embroiled in a debate over who Jesus' brother is.) That's right, folks. If only Mo had her way, it'd be all pie charts and subcommittees. She has no earthly idea where all the petty bitchiness comes from.

When Ginger watches a debate:

WASHBURN: Senator Obama, what would your priorities be as president? OBAMA: I will pass a health care bill because I am not a polarizing person whose negatives are completely off the charts, and I’m certainly not threatening to drag down the whole party at a time when we should be killing the Republicans. WASHBURN: Are you referring to Senator Clinton? OBAMA: Most certainly not. I want to bring a new kind of politics to Washington that can reverse the polarizing atmosphere of the ’90s, the ’90s, the ’90s. CLINTON: Don’t bogart the time, Barack. I’d like a hit. Carolyn, shouldn’t there be some timing device to let my young friend know when he’s going over, something that would go “BONG!” OBAMA: I know what you’re doing, Hillary. I wasn’t born yesterday. She wants Americans to think I’m so young and green that I can only run for White House intern. It would be a stain on me to sink as low as her.

What's really sad about this is that it is, I presume, intended to be humorous. But like your grandma dressing up like Ali G, it's just sort of weird and depressing.

Let's translate the translation: When Senator Obama talks to Senator Clinton, it's all "Yo, bitch, you're living in the past, which is weird because your spouse once left semen on some girl's $30 dress." And when Senator Clinton replies to Senator Obama, she's like "Dood, got some smoke? I know you do, because you went to a madrassa and you're like, way pimped out."

I wish I were exaggerating, I do. I'm not, unfortunately.

It's kind of embarrassing to watch MoDo project her desperate need to be cool onto these two people. Her drug lingo is as awkward as it can possibly be. She really, really wants to let us know that once she stood close enough to Truman Capote's entourage to sweep into Studio 54. Back when that meant something, I mean.

I'm not sure how to meet this meme, except to note that it's as shallow, bitchy, and unhelpful as the content it intends to critique. My understanding is that the issue was raised, criticized, apologized for, and the person responsible is gone. No one is keeping this alive but the Villagers and their superannuated prom queen.

I'll repeat what I've said before: Americans know this election is dead fucking serious. They also know that the Democratic primaries are the real news here, since if Jesus himself announced he was running for the Republicans, he'd still only get 28% of the vote. Attempts to turn it into a shallow popularity contest focused on issues of spectacular unimportance do not help move us forward.

(Rapping Granny image from this page: too funny.)