When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the idea that bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks drew criticism from a number of his contemporaries. Of course, this wasn’t necessarily a new idea; scholars generally agree that Shakespeare used the sentence “Wenches art naut beside harlots and strumpets” in his private works, but it had never been presented publicly. Thinkers contemporary to Dre, such as Snoop Dogg and THE D.O.C. argued that bitches could also be skanks, babes, gold diggers, or even MILFs; as such, Dre’s theory quickly lost its footing among the flourishing academic discourse surrounding the issue and languished in obscurity.

Earlier this week, Stanford’s department of anthropology published a paper that re-examines Dre’s hypothesis and supports the idea as correct. As James Ferguson, the chair of the department, reports, “For years academia has subscribed to the paradigm that bitches could be of any sort; they could be a ho getting down on the club, or even a ratchet shorty popping bottles in the crib. But our work may prove this commonsense idea to be incorrect. When broken down into their constituent parts, bitches, we found, have only illusory differences; they aint, in fact, shit but hoes and tricks.”

Moving over to his white board, Ferguson drew out a graphical representation of his findings. “On this side of the Venn diagram”, he explained, “We have hoes. And then in this other circle over here, we have tricks. These were previously thought to be two mutually exclusive populations; keep that in mind. Our realization was that the area of overlap in the diagram is where we find bitches. It’s a sort of ‘all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares’ situation- not all hoes or tricks are bitches, but all bitches are hoes and tricks. Conversely, you’ll notice that this third circle, representing shit, has no area of overlap with any of the aforementioned populations. Indeed, bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks. Fascinating.”