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In the 241 years of America’s existence, we have purposely ignored the important topic that lingers over this country’s constant pursuit of happiness. Until we can come to grips with this pressing dilemma and confront it head-on, we can never hope for peace, justice and equality. For too long we have allowed ourselves to look the other way, blithely neglecting the one thing that could possibly heal the racial divide that cripples our great nation:



We need to talk about white people.

Look, I’m not here to cast aspersions on our Caucasian brethren, but it is imperative that we stop ignoring the truth and face facts. A great man once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ... and putting sugar on grits.” However, for now, let us eschew the hominy-related controversy in favor of a more substantial one. There is one through line that connects all the suffering, injustice and oppression in this country’s past:

White people.

A few days ago, the New York Times released a shocking exposé on Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein’s predilection for sexual harassment and assault. After the story broke, women emerged from the woodwork telling stories of how the Teletubby-shaped producer forced them to watch him masturbate, and how he paraded around naked in front of confused A-list actresses.

This is nothing new. A few days earlier, pro-life champion Rep. Tim Murphy (R-Pa.) resigned from Congress after text messages surfaced of him asking his mistress to have an abortion. Even the president of the United States is a self-confessed pussy grabber.

What do all these men have in common?

I’ll let you answer the question. All I can say is that no one has accused Spike Lee of beating off into potted plants. You might fault former President Barack Obama for wearing a tan suit, but I can’t recall a single recording of him bragging about assaulting vaginas or sending text messages to pregnant side chicks.


When white people send their representatives to Hollywood and Washington, D.C., they’re not sending us their best. They’re sending their gangsters and sexual deviants.

And some, I assume, are good people.

But let’s put that topic aside and focus on white-on-white crime. It is a deadly scourge that needs to stop. When white people talk about black thugs, Mexican gangbangers and Muslim terrorists, they conveniently ignore the fact that most white people are killed by other white people.


Look at Las Vegas. They commit the most mass shootings. They are responsible for the majority of terrorist attacks. And even though they are the first ones to scream “Blue Lives Matter,” whites kill more cops than any other race. White men commit the majority of all heinous crimes, including murders, rapes and Electric Slide missteps. I don’t understand how white people are supposed to feel safe in this country with all these white people around, murdering all willy-nilly.

Look, this has nothing to do with race. The fact is, if you are walking down a dark alley, statistically speaking, the person most likely to jump out with a knife, gun or penis in his hands is a white man.

And I’m not talking that “per capita” bullshit. I’m talking raw, real numbers. A “capita” has never done anything to me. (I saw the Capitas win my college’s homecoming step show in ’99. They really can swing those canes!)

You guys see what happens when too many of them get together to protest. It always turns into a riot. Look at Charlottesville, Va.. America will never be the same after those thugs took tiki torches and destroyed their own neighborhoods.

Maybe the solution is to build a wall around white people and make them pay for it. They have enough money. Maybe we should institute a travel ban geared toward people from Wypipostan to keep them from coming into this country until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

And they are such snowflakes!

They will literally burst into tears if you quietly kneel down! They can’t even handle free speech without whining. White people are always complaining about how oppressed they are! If they don’t like it, why don’t they go back to Caucasia!


And I know there will be some people who object to my solutions. They will say I’m cherry-picking statistics, and singling out the worst aspects of white people to paint a negative picture of the entire race. They will say that this portrayal of them is unfair and biased.

I totally disagree.

It’s just hateful.