Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big. Just two to four pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It won’t need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch, though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in, ‘Dog Grooming,’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about four days, and it has to be on Google by then, also.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer in New York; you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense, but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, then let’s go with, ‘local dog grooming,’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in four days and have it listed, by then, as the number one result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as, ‘Local Dog Grooming,’ but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site — and this is just the design and upload, not for the SEO you want — possibly… $250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous. I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399, and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Can you teach me?”

Me: “Um… I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to four years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dog’s hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The s*** people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*