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THE IRISH government are to take a ‘say nothing’ approach to allegations that they have begun to dump huge quantities of waste plastic along the northern side of the border, following the decision by China to no longer import plastic recyclable materials from European countries.

China had previously imported 95% of Ireland’s waste plastic, but the new ban has left the government with very few options as to how to get rid of the country’s chart-topping amounts of rubbish every year.

Taking a leaf from diesel smugglers along the border, a think-tank for the new waste management wing of Fine Gael devised a foolproof scheme in which giant cubes of crushed-up plastic rubbish will be dumped under the cover of night in south Armagh, Fermanagh and Tyrone, leaving it for the UK to worry about.

“They’ve been doing it with toxic diesel washing chemicals for years, dumping it outside their jurisdiction and letting us mop it up,” said a spokesperson for the €350m Fine Gael initiative.

“We’re on the cusp of an environmental disaster down south, Irish people are producing more waste plastic per head of capita than any other country in the EU. COYBIG and all that, but we’re about to be up to our dicks in empty Fanta bottles by this time next year. Fuck it, let the Nordies sort it out”.

When asked if the government had any solid, long-term plans for waste disposal in the future, WWN were told that FG were taking things ‘one election cycle at a time’.