The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has inspired a number of copycats and spoofs, but it will attain a whole new level on Nov. 13 when the first Fifty Shades cookbook hits the market. (Just in time for Thanksgiving!)

Fifty Shades of Chicken — a title that sounds absolutely revolting when you think too hard about it — chronicles the relationship between a chef and his chicken. Because that sounds so impossibly ridiculous, I’ll just let the author tell you about it herself.

“The recipe and headnotes follow a chef and his chicken on an emotional journey very much like the original trilogy,” FL Fowler — a nom de plume — said in an email to People. “You start with an overbearing cook and a pigheaded chicken but by the end they’re spanking and tying each other up like soul mates. There’s a bit of Christian and Anastasia Steele in every dish.”

Yes, that is in fact a real quote. Here’s another, if you think you can handle it: “Like so many others, Fifty Shades of Grey resonated for me,” Fowler continued. “It evoked something I’d never been able to express. Then one day as I was tying up the ankles of a chicken for roasting, I realized why some of the scenes in the book were so strikingly familiar. It turns out I’ve been practicing BDSM for years — but with poultry.” Sample recipes include “Mustard Spanked Chicken” and “Dripping Thighs.”

While I realize that this is a parody — as it boldly declares on the cover of the book — there are some things that are sacred. And not having an image of my chicken spanking me is one of those things. What’s worse is the author chose my real last name as his/her (let’s be honest, probably her) fake one. I already have to deny accusations of being married to Montel Williams. I don’t want to have to start defending myself against allegations of cavorting with naughty chickens.

What do think readers? Will you purchase this cookbook? Will you serve “Dripping Thighs” to your family this holiday season? Will you ever be able to eat chicken again?

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