SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three teenage girls. “They’re all different kids with different sets of needs, but in the end I want to make sure I give each one of them the same amount of psychological hang-ups, body issues, and self-doubt,” said Ferrario, who hoped to avoid any resentment that might develop if she didn’t evenly divide the emotional scarring among her daughters. “Finding the right balance can be tricky. For example, if I bring up one’s weight, I need to focus on disparaging the other’s boyfriend while chastising the third for not being as smart as her sisters. It’s not always easy, but I do what I can.” Ferrario went on to contrast her parenting style to that of her husband, who puts all of his emotional distance into his youngest daughter.

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