Trust. You hear it all the time in the D/s world. It’s the cornerstone of any relationship, but in the D/s world it takes on additional meaning and urgency. When there’s the real possibility of someone winding up in the hospital or worse, trust takes on an almost talismanic quality. We all think we know what the word means, but do we? I’m one of those people who likes to intellectually gnaw on things until I’ve sucked the marrow out of it, and for some reason recently I just couldn’t leave the word “trust” alone. It felt like it had a bit more to teach me, even after decades in the life, and I realized what it was. I’m thinking specifically of the role of trust in the Long Distance Relationship (LDR).

Until recently, such things as LDRs didn’t even exist, simply because the technology to enable them did not exist. Now, with the internet and a wealth of social media, “almost real” LDRs are not only possible, but commonplace. It’s not unusual to hear of (or be in) a D/s relationship where the Dominant lives in Indiana and his submissive lives in Australia. A relationship where the two people absolutely will never meet each other. Some tight-assed D/s purists would claim that they are not “real” relationships, but from what I’ve seen, these LDRs can contain as much devotion and commitment — and yes, even love — as the more traditional “IRL” relationships. So let’s not get into a culture war over whether they are “real,” but rather look at some of the unique challenges that the LDR presents. Specifically in terms of the most important element of any D/s relationship, trust.

So here’s the thing. In an IRL relationship, there is of course trust in the common meaning of the word, as well as trust on the part of the submissive that her Dom will not cause her physical or psychological damage (if she doesn’t feel that trust, she needs to run, not walk, to the nearest exit) I’m talking about that other kind of trust, the more nebulous and slippery kind, the kind that people in IRL relationships don’t have to struggle with because their partner is THERE. In an LDR, there’s no real human body to touch, inhabit the space with, and above all, there is no reasonable way to verify the other person’s behavior and degree of commitment to the relationship. This makes the kind of radical trust necessary to sustain any kind of meaningful LDR not only quantitatively different from IRL trust, but in fact qualitatively different. One is required to quite literally “take it on faith” that the other person is living up to his/her side of the agreed commitments. How to engage with and embrace that level of radical trust? I’ve conjured up three common approaches. Two are a detriment to the relationship to a greater or lesser degree. The third, less common (and much more difficult) approach is the only one that can enable an LDR to grow and flourish

First approach: verify everything, demand evidence. And I’m not talking the kind of lighthearted fun that prompts a Dominant to have his submissive send a naughty, affectionate selfie or video. That is all part of communication and bonding, in my view, and is a wonderful thing to be appreciated and cherished. Any Dominant who doesn’t welcome such needs to have his testosterone checked. Or his pulse. I’m talking about the kind of mentality that causes Dominants to require their submissives to document every single task, ritual, and commonplace in their day, so the Dominant can be absolutely sure she’s complying. This way lies madness. Besides being a logistical nightmare, it’s also just plain mutually exhausting. But most importantly, it will eventually raise the quite legitimate question in the mind of the submissive: doesn’t my Dom trust me when I say I’ve done these things? Listen to me, guys: this is NOT a question you ever want your submissive to be asking herself! Is there the possibility that when you’ve sent her to the bedroom to edge, that she’s actually sitting on the couch watching TV and eating Ho-Ho’s? Of course that’s a possibility. We’ve all known lazy, non-compliant submissives like that. But they are NOT the norm! Most submissives in my experience are loyal and dedicated and work their asses off to totally comply with their Dominant’s instructions and expectations. If she’s stepping up and handling her duties and yet finds herself asking herself “doesn’t he trust me?” you are in a very dangerous place and are close to losing a loyal and devoted submissive. Don’t be that guy

Second approach: don’t verify at all, but don’t trust at all. Be constantly suspicious. Question everything. Second guess your submissive. Let your mind run free with endless what-it’s. This way lies madness as well, and in short order. If you’re looking for a sure fire way to poison your heart and your head while simultaneously destroying the relationship, this would be that sure fire way. If you find yourself simply not trusting your remote submissive, then you need to do her and yourself a favor and move on. Don’t be that guy.

Third approach: just …. TRUST. A wise friend of mine often says about many aspects of life, “It’s simple. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Quite the contrary.” Trust — radical trust, 101% trust, true “leap of faith” trust — is the only way that you can sustain an LDR without making one or both of you insane. The word “surrender” is often used in relation to the submissive, but when it comes to radical trust, it’s something that the Dominant needs to learn how to do to an equal degree. You have to surrender all the noise inside your head that you never hear when your submissive is wrapped in your arms IRL, let go and … TRUST. Because here’s the fundamental truth about an LDR: trust is all you HAVE. It’s that simple, and it’s that hard. But so very, very worth it.

Be that guy. Always, be that guy.