WASHINGTON, D.C – Early Monday morning, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), announced it’s latest safety endeavor focused on expediting wait times at all US airports.

“We’re finding that ‘randomly selecting’ a few white people for every dozen or so brown people at security checks isn’t fooling anybody,” says David Pekoske, TSA Administrator, “So we thought, fuck it, let’s just make a separate line so at least wait times can be more accurate.”

The new system is named Diversity And Regulation Knowledge, or D.A.R.K, and operates much like a line at an amusement park — where instead of being unable to ride if you are below 42 inches in height, you will be asked to step into a separate line if you are darker than white Michael Jackson.

May 9th, 2018