Final Fantasy IV, 1991

3. Engage in safe pillow talk wearing demonic black head-to-toe armor



Like many holidays, Valentine’s Day is fraught with expectation. There is such an outsized emphasis on the intimacy and connection between couples, it’s easy to feel raw and exposed by the demand for emotional candor. Fortunately, Cecil of Final Fantasy IV knows how to protect himself from such intense feelings. After returning from a morally compromised mission, he is compelled to share his experience with his girlfriend, Rosa. The two meet alone in his chambers. They sit close, their faces illuminated by the light of twin moons. The encounter could easily result in premature honesty, but Cecil has come prepared by dressing in a full suit of plate mail, blackened by the unholy breath of demons. It’s an emotional prophylactic so spiky and resistant that when used properly it is guaranteed to stop 92 percent of all unwanted emotional epiphanies. Later, when the time is right, Cecil is ready to expose his misgivings. He goes to Mount Ordeals to be tested, and his results comes back clean. He doffs his dark armor and never wears it again. It can be tough to tell your partner about your manipulation at the hand of a devil king and your crazy moon origins, so don’t hesitate to practice safe dialogue until you know you’re both ready. Monologue as often as needed. [Nick Wanserski]