You could be an asshole and not even know it.

This is sexism 2.0. Sure, we don’t call women “fat pigs” and “dogs,” as our national embarrassment is wont to do, but we habitually deliver minor jabs and comments that fall short of blatant sexism but sting nonetheless. From hair-raising praise for how articulate a black woman is to an unsolicited remark on Asian colleague’s lack of accent, microinsults and microinvalidations are at hand’s reach. And they shouldn’t be.

To improve the quality of your daily interactions with women, remove the following microaggressions from your verbal menagerie:

“Man up” or its less conspicuous sibling “Toughen up”

If you find yourself tempted to use archaisms of this sort, just remember that you are drawing a comparison between femininity and weakness. Be better.

“Can I touch your hair?”

Come on, you are not in a petting zoo. Whether she rocks an Afro or box braids, keep your hands to yourself.

“I love short (tall) women”

Even if it’s not a prelude to nasty behavior, saying it in the same breath as sizing up a person is patronizing. Women are not artifacts in a museum for you to enjoy. And you are not entitled to single them out for any difference whatsoever.

“Your English is perfect”

The icy arrows from her eyes are not for naught: you’ve transgressed a boundary. Whether or not she responds with “Uhm, thank you” with the strong “Fuck you” undertones in her voice, apologize immediately.

“Smile!”

First of all, why would she? Second of all, would you say the same thing to a man? Reserve your unsolicited behavioral commentary to male friends or dispense with it entirely.

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Most microaggressions are rooted in unconsciously held prejudices. Therefore, it is reasonable to feel indignant at slights and invalidations, no matter how inadvertent they are.

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If you catch yourself in the act of making a brusque remark, express remorse. If you are a bystander witnessing an act of subtle verbal violence, don’t wait until God speaks to your heart and commands you to intervene. Speak up and try to defuse the situation. Let the perpetrator know you are not cool with their behavior and turn the situation into a learning opportunity.

Be a good man.

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