A Letter To The Good People Of Inkster, Michigan

June 4, 2015 (Mimesis Law) — Dear People of Inkster, Michigan,

Taxes are the price we pay to live in a civilized society. It’s how we have nice things, from roads to schools to the luxury vehicles your important elected officials use to drive from media interviews to speeches. Did you think we would walk?

Obviously, we are frugal when it comes to spending your money, as we realize that you work hard to earn it, and earning money in these tough times of fiscal insecurity is no laughing matter. I mean, sure, we laugh. A lot. But not at you. With you. We promise.

So back to your money. We would never use your tax dollars for something frivolous, like a party, unless we really felt strongly that we needed to pass around Rumaki so the other elected officials wouldn’t laugh at us and think we weren’t classy. You want us to be classy, right? After all, we are your leaders, and what follower wouldn’t want their leaders to be classy?

Oh crap, I’m off the money thing again. My bad.

Anyway, remember when our brave officer, William Melendez (and we wish him the best of luck in his upcoming criminal trial), took down that vicious crack-head, Floyd Dent? Well, how can I say this nicely? It didn’t go exactly as planned. Don’t be alarmed. That happens a lot with excellent police work, where things easily misunderstood, like video, go and screw up a really cool story.

Anyways, that Dent guy is litigious. And he has evidence. He got a settlement against our fair city for $1.38 million. Sure, we agreed to it, but it’s not like we had a choice. Video sucks.

Then, and you’re not going to believe this nonsense, our insurance guy tells us that our policy doesn’t kick in until we reach $2 million? If we knew that, we would have given the guy the full $2 million, even though he’ll probably spend it on cars and booze. Oh wait. That’s us. Never mind.

But if we had gone to the big numbers, then we wouldn’t really have to let you know about this, but we made a little mistake. Hey, math is hard, but I don’t have to tell you that, right? So here we are, forced to give this Dent guy $1.38 million, and, well, it has to come from somewhere. I’ll let our treasurer, Mark Stuhldreher, explain.

Inkster property owners will soon face a one-time tax hit to cover a settlement reached between the city and a man beaten by a police officer during a traffic stop. City Treasurer Mark Stuhldreher said Inkster will levy 6.45 mills on summer tax bills to pay Floyd Dent $1,377,500. That means property owners will shell out about $178.67 on a home with a market value of $55,400, the median value of a home in Inkster, according to U.S. Census Bureau estimates. It will be forced on residents in a city where 38% of its residents live below the poverty level and the median household income is $26,512, the census bureau estimates.

I know, I know. This really sucks. After all, it’s not like the money is going toward something really worthwhile, like a park or my personal expense account.

But hey, like I said, taxes are the price of living in a civilized society, and in this great City of ours, protected by brave police officers like Melendez (and we really hope he gets a new job soon) so that crackheads don’t break in your windows at night and rape your daughters — that can happen, you know — we’re just going to have to suck it up, ask the kids to live without dinner this summer, and make the best of this.

On the bright side, we’ve got a new cop car on order, and it’s gonna be a beauty. Not one of those “imported from Detroit” pieces of crap, either. You’ll be so very proud to be a citizen of Inkster. I promise.

Yours truly,

Your Very Important Elected Officials of Inkster, Michigan

(Dictated but not read)

Main image via Flickr/Chris Potter

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