For about six months now, I’ve been taking Ambien to cure nightmares and insomnia. As per my shrink’s advisement, I take it every few days so I can actually sleep.

SUPPORT INDEPENDENT MUSIC! GIVE US A FOLLOW:







“Be careful. It’s a known amnesiac and hypnotic,” he told me.

“Oh, I know,” I responded casually.

“I’m serious. People do strange things on this drug. Take the pill and fall asleep. Don’t do anything in-between taking it and going to sleep.”

Well, did I listen? No. Do I ever listen? No, I don’t. And now every night that I take Ambien, I inevitably wake up with some sort of confectionary creation in my refrigerator. The food is always totally intact and never eaten, so it’s not a hunger thing. What the what is going through my brain at two A.M.?

My unconscious is obviously an aspiring pastry chef. Not that this is anything new or newsworthy. The phenomenon of sleep cooking has been the stuff of housewife horror stories for years. A friend of mine said his mom once offered to make him a quiche while she was on Ambien. Apparently, I am also a housewife. I’ve cured duck with peaches; I’ve woken up surrounded by kielbasa and homemade, half-fried pierogies; and last night I apparently made a pie.

I only know this because I checked my Twitter this morning.

And when I actually got out of bed, this is what I found nestled in-between cans of Diet Pepsi and pickles:

Oh, Ambien. Apparently I was zoinked enough to fall asleep listening to Carmen’s “Lean Like a Chola” on repeat, and I had about twenty tabs open in Firefox about canned sandwiches. Yeah, I know. But luckily, I’m not a total retard after I take my sleeping pill. Not only did I manage to shut the oven off, but bolt and chain my front door AND write down the recipe.

Stone Fruit Kiwi Skyr Pie

1 half-baked pie crust*

1 cup chopped apricot

1 cup chopped peaches

1 cup chopped plum

1 cup chopped kiwi

½ cup agave nectar

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 tbsp all spice

1 tsp nutmeg

¾ cup skyr, any flavor

2 teaspoons lemon juice

1 tbsp corn stach

½ cup butter

1/3 cup dark brown sugar

Pre-heat oven to 375.

Then put basically everything except the cornstarch, butter and brown sugar into a saucepan on med-high. While the fruit is cookin’, melt the brown sugar and butter into a measuring cup for about a minute.

Simmer until the fruit is a little mushy. Then add cornstarch. This will help to thicken it.

Pour into pie shell. Then pour the brown sugar and butter mixture you just made over it.

Bake until the crust is golden, or if you’re me, until you’re about to pass out in your kitchen.

Chill in fridge until set. Then eat in the morning when you wake up and realize your apartment looks like a war-zone from your Ambien baking antics.

*I used a pre-made gluten-free pie shell, because wheat-free baking is a bitch and a half, and also I am one lazy, lazy bitch and a half.

I’m currently picking at the pie, debating if I should have something real to eat or just live off this weirdo treat for the rest of the day. I wonder what I’ll make next week, especially since I’m starting culinary school. Well, I guess that’s up to the Ambien.