Woman who magically found £1bn to save her own job unable to find anything to save 20,000 jobs

A woman who magically found £1bn of taxpayer money in order to save her own job has admitted she’s struggling to find the government money required to save 20,000 jobs.

With a Carillion bailout looking unlikely, 20,000 UK jobs are now in jeopardy, though the government claimed it was doing everything it can to help, shortly after redefining the phrase ‘everything it can’ to mean ‘whatever is politically expedient’.

Prime minister Theresa May has admitted privately that there is no longer any magic money tree, after she ripped off every single leaf last summer in order to secure the support of the DUP and keep her job.

She told reporters, “There are some tough decisions to be made, and we in the government recognise that the taxpayers of this country cannot keep throwing money around to secure jobs because a small number of people made some very bad decisions.

“Unless those bad decisions involve losing your parliamentary advantage in an election you didn’t need to call – then the taxpayer can throw around lots of money.”

Workers for Carillion have taken comfort in the prime minister’s words, safe in the knowledge that she is doing what is in the best interests of the country as a whole.

Construction worker Simon Williams told us, “It would be extremely unfair of us to ask her to bail out the company just so we can keep our jobs, it would put her in a very difficult position.

“When it comes to simply chucking money at a problem to make it go away, I’m sure she will do the right thing.

“The right thing for Theresa, obviously.”