A brief history of monogamy, polyamory, and what it takes to have multiple committed relationships Why has monogamy become the aspirational norm in the West? There are a number of competing theories, and none are because you fall in love

From a very young age, we are taught a successful relationship is a monogamous one. We are raised on a diet of Disney films, fairy tales, and the ideal of a happily ever after. We hold up coupledom as the supreme standard of love and commitment, and harshly judge those who fall short.

Monogamy may be our normal, but it is something of a conundrum for evolutionary biologists. From a purely procreative point of view, monogamy doesn’t make much sense. In order to maximise our chances of producing healthy offspring, we should all be having sex with as many different people as possible, and many argue we are designed to do just that. For example, some scientists believe the human penis may have evolved its distinctive shape to ‘displace rival sperm’ in the vagina during intercourse to give his swimmers the best chance in a highly competitive environment.

Why has monogamy become the aspirational norm in the West? There are a number of competing theories, and sadly none of them are because you fall in love i's opinion newsletter: talking points from today Email address is invalid Email address is invalid Thank you for subscribing! Sorry, there was a problem with your subscription.

So, why has monogamy become the aspirational norm in the West? There are a number of competing theories, and sadly none of them are because you fall in love. Paternal care, access to resources, and availability of mates are the three main factors thought to influence monogamy. But the truth is that it remains an anthropological puzzle and increasing numbers of people, raised in monogamous societies, are now rejecting it entirely.

The many myths and misconceptions

Polyamory translates to ‘many loves’, and although it has been practised around the world throughout history, it is now becoming an increasingly common lifestyle choice. Polyamory is essentially an umbrella term covering all manner of relationship arrangements, from couples who enjoy the occasional swinger’s party, to those who maintain multiple ongoing, committed relationships simultaneously.

‘There are many myths and misconceptions that surround polyamory, fuelled in no small part by idiots who like to think they are ‘polyamorous’ but have actually just joined Tinder to cheat on their wife’

There are many myths and misconceptions that surround polyamory, fuelled in no small part by idiots who like to think they are ‘polyamorous’ but have actually just joined Tinder to cheat on their wife. Perhaps the biggest misconception about polyamory is that it is little more than a cover story for commitment-phobes, or an excuse for putting it about. But, as I have been discovering, polyamory is far from an easy option, and what underpins these relationships is not sex, but communication, commitment and total trust.

Jenny Wilson is a 48-year-old performing artist and producer who lives in Shipley, Yorkshire with her two children, and has been non-monogamous for the last three years. As well as her long term partner, Chris, Jenny has multiple relationships with other people – all of which are unique, special and equally important to her. “I first heard the words ‘polyamory’ when I was at a feminist conference”, she told me. “Somebody described it as a ‘different approach to relationships’. I thought, if you’re going to be the change you want to see in the world it should start with your relationships.”

I don’t belong to anyone

For most of her adult life, Jenny had been following what she called ‘the script’: you meet someone, you have sex, fall in love, settle down, and forsake all others for the rest of your life. The more she learned about polyamory, the less scripted Jenny’s relationships became. “I came to see that I don’t belong to anyone. I am not ‘your’ person, and I don’t require anyone to belong to me. That doesn’t mean my relationships are not committed. I choose to invest and nurture and cherish my connections.” For Jenny, polyamory isn’t about couples, it’s about individuals. “Individuals have to be polyamorous and come together as individuals choosing to be together. I don’t think you can be a polyamorous couple – that doesn’t make any sense to me.” Jenny now regularly blogs about love, relationships, sex and consent for her website.

Sue Sutherland is a 47-year-old sex educator and body worker who lives in London. She has been non-monogamous for the past four years and describes herself as being “deeply, passionately and lustfully in love” with her partner, but also enjoys a variety of relationships with other people – some long term, some short term, but all open. Sue describes polyamory as allowing her to “move from being in an ‘or’ world to being in an ‘and’ world.” When I asked Sue how many relationships she was involved in, it quickly became clear that once that monogamous script is out the window, this is quite a difficult question to answer.

“Trying to classify a relationship is so difficult. I see myself as being in a relationship with everyone. Intimacy takes so many forms. The question comes from a monogamous perspective. How many people have I had sex with this month? How many people am I seeing regularly? Am I counting people I have kissed? People I fancy? What must I have done with the person to qualify as a relationship?”

“My anchor partner and his nesting partner are like my family now. Very early on, he told me not to refer to his nesting partner as his ‘wife’, because ‘she’s my partner, like you are.’” – Sue

In the world of polyamory, non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, etc., language and labels become as fluid as the dynamics they are trying to pin down. Sue doesn’t view her relationships as “hierarchal” but as forming a “flat structure.” She explained: “The terms I use are ‘anchor partner’, and my anchor partner is living with his ‘nesting partner’. My anchor partner and his nesting partner are like my family now. Very early on, he told me not to refer to his nesting partner as his ‘wife’, because ‘she’s my partner, like you are.’”

I’m not being anyone’s second

Jenny too resists typically monogamous labels of ‘boyfriends’ and ‘girlfriends’ and was quick to challenge my description of Chris as her ‘primary partner’. “I would never describe any of my partners as a primary partner because if you’ve got a primary partner then it makes everybody else secondary. I’m not being anyone’s second. You don’t do that with your friends, do you? I mean yes, I suppose people do have a best friend, but you don’t have a best friend to the exclusion of all the other friendships, you know? By what type of mechanism would I rank those people? Each relationship is unique to the connection.”

I asked Sue what it takes to love like this, and her answer was unequivocal: “transparency.” “It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s about being clear and open, and not having secrets that are unhealthy. Obviously, we all have secrets and private thoughts, but there shouldn’t be any major surprises about the people in your life.”

Alex, 26, and Rachael, 24, are married and live in London. “We’d never realised poly was really an option until we came across it on the internet and found it really embodied a lot of the things that we were feeling,” said Alex. “After a lengthy and quite emotional, awkward talk, we decided to look at opening our relationship and entering the poly community.” Although relatively new to the world of non-monogamy, Alex and Rachael are very clear: “Polyamory isn’t just an excuse to cheat on your partner. Nor is it something that you can really just fall into. It requires a lot of trust and communication.”

Read more What being in a polyamorous relationship has taught me about jealousy

What about jealousy? How do you tackle the green-eyed monster when it rears its ugly head? Again, it all comes down to communication and self-reflection. Jealousy tends to provoke very demanding behaviour within a relationship. We tell our partner to stop doing something so we can feel better. But, as Sue explained, “Jealousy is not about the other person, it’s about you. It’s about self-esteem and feeling secure that this person won’t leave you. So, you need to ask yourself, what is it about you that is making you feel like that? Ask yourself, what do I need to feel better about this? Do I need my partner to tell me how amazing I am? Do I need my partner to quickly check back in with me when he’s with someone else so I can feel more secure in us?”

You must ask for what you need

For Jenny, a lightbulb moment came when she learned to distinguish between jealousy and envy.

“Jealousy tends to come from a place of possessiveness, from the fear of losing something. Whereas with envy, it’s more like, ‘my partner is out having a nice time and I wish I was having a nice time with them today, but I’m not.’ Envy is a much more common feeling for me now, but I did experience a lot of jealousy at the start because I was running old scripts that this person was my person, or wasn’t my person when they were with someone else.”

According to research carried out by EuroClinix in 2018, 19 per cent of the 2,000 Brits surveyed identified as being polyamorous, and this number is only increasing. Polyamory is certainly not for everyone – the admin alone should give one pause for thought, and no one should ever feel pressured into a relationship dynamic they are uncomfortable with. But the people I spoke to all found that while polyamory was challenging, it had not only strengthened their relationships but had also forced a self-awareness and confidence in voicing their needs.

I asked Sue what advice she had for anyone who might be thinking about exploring polyamory. “You must ask for what you need,” she replied. “Own your own shit and communicate. Ultimately, if you’re playing stupid games and not owning your shit, there are plenty of other people around who will give your partner a better time.”