We found this totally real, 100% factual Columbus Blue Jackets 2014-15 season injury report in the trash outside of Nationwide Arena when we were snooping for clues about what hair products Brandon Dubinsky uses doing absolutely nothing sketchy or invasive whatsoever. Because we have a lot of Journalistic Integrity we knew this had to be shared with the public.

Official Columbus Blue Jackets Injury Report

Jack Johnson – Seems to have swapped bodies with singer songwriter Jack Johnson. Out 2 to 4 weeks, or until someone learns an important life lesson.

Cam Atkinson – Stuck in a well. Day to day.

Scott Hartnell – Has anyone seen Scott Hartnell? We think he’s fine, probably. We just can’t find him. Day to day.

Artem Anisimov – Breathing fire. It’s actually pretty cool but the department of player safety refuses to let him play until he can promise not to melt the ice. Johnny Gaudreau quoted saying he “totally sympathizes.”

Ryan Johansen – Arrested after winning a shootout. “No one wins in a shootout, son,” authorities said at the scene. “Gun violence is not the answer. 3 on 3 overtime is the answer.” Out until the team can scrounge up some bail money.

Matt Calvert – Lost the trail. Wagon delayed two days.

Scott Hartnell (UPDATE) – Still no sign. But we found some strange handprints on his spot in the locker room and his equipment keeps getting knocked over? Day to day.

Boone Jenner – Caught up in a legal dispute over “long form birth certificates” with that dude who narced on Jackie Robinson West. Day to day.

David Savard – Accidentally swallowed a bee. Day to day until he stops buzzing so loudly.

Brandon Dubinsky – Currently being treated for injuries sustained when he refused to get out of the way of a tank. We expect he will be back on his feet some time around the 2016 NHL Draft.

Scott Hartnell (UPDATE) – Someone wrote “I AM RIGHT FUCKING HERE – SCOTT” in the steamed locker room mirrors, but still no sign. “LITERALLY THIS IS ME, CAN’T ANYONE SEE ME? GUYS? GUYS?” Weird stuff. Day to day.

Curtis McElhinney – On a very well deserved vacation. Is what we would say if we were going for a high draft pick but that’s totally not what we’re doing! Ha ha ha! We have so many jokes! Actually that’s how Curtis got hurt. He was laughing TOO HARD at one of our very funny jokes. He’s super hurt. And definitely not on a fishing boat in the middle of Lake Erie enjoying the peace and quiet.

Nick Foligno – Literally kidnapped by foreign agents. Undisclosed lower body injury.

Sergei Bobrovsky – Out rescuing Nick Foligno. Actually they’ll probably be back pretty quick. Sergei has a very a very particular set of skills. Undisclosed lower body injury.

Scott Hartnell (UPDATE) – Received a long voicemail from someone claiming that he “is Scott Hartnell” and he’s just “fucking invisible for some reason, I was very clear about that on the locker room mirrors. Put me in coach. I’m fine, except for being invisible.” Kids and their pranks these days. Day to day.

Ryan Murray – Actually, Ryan Murray is doing fine.