By Long and Horny 25 JAN. 2018

If you’re a current CAP student, it may feel like you’ll never get out of this god-forsaken shithole of a campus. But fear not, the light at the end of the surprisingly moist tunnel is here, in just a few short months you will get to finally experience how the other half lives. Here at The Catch, we support your journey towards finally fulfilling your dream of paying student loan debt for the rest of your fucking life. We have created an easy to follow checklist to make sure you are as prepared as possible for when the rapUTre occurs.

Step 1: Make everyone aware of how E X C I T E D you are to be going to UT

This is a good place to start, how can people know how talented and fortunate you are if you don’t display it loud and proud. Start (or rather, continue) to wear the same damn longhorn sweatshirt everywhere, change your Instagram bio to UT ’20 #hookem, and write long facebook posts discussing your plans for the next fall. The lesser people of UTA need to know how great your life is about to be once you finally get to a place that sells $9 lattes out of a fucking truck.

Step 2: Backstab all of your UTA friends

They say you’re the sum total of your five closest friends, and you definitely can’t be any part UTA student after your ascension. Besides, your friends here are bad influences anyways. If they were really smart and motivated, they’d be going to UT, like you. You won’t have time for friends anyways, when you’ve got longhorn football and sweet sweet cocaine.

Step 3: Become an annoyingly leftist yuppie

It’s time to cut your hair, start listening to flobots, and get ready to march with the proletariat….. as long as it’s not before brunch. Get ready to fight for the rights of the common people, resist Trump, and cross to the other side of the street when you see a homeless person. You’re about to start changing the world, as long as you can change it from the West side of I-35.

Step 4: Get initiated in a frat/srat here so they can’t reject you once you get to UT

Trust me, greek life at UT doesn’t fuck around, they’re nowhere near as desperate, and their dogs have a bigger trust fund than your self-esteem issues. Get in while the gettin’ is easy.

Step 5: Bitch loudly when you get passed over for leadership positions because you’re literally leaving in 5 months

I mean, how could they pass you up? You have the perfect resume and you’re literally about to transfer to the finest school in like, the world. Just goes to show that the people at UTA have no vision, and only think about themselves.

Step 6: Live with the knowledge that going to UT Austin will solve every last one of your problems

This is probably the most important step. It is essential for you to understand that all of the things currently stressing you out are not due to any personality defects or mistakes on your part. You are smarmy and unhappy not because of your attitude, but because UTA is just that bad. You are not ungrateful and kind of a shitbag for wanting a better more preteniouser education, you’re a go-getter for saddling your parents with even more of a financial burden. Hold your head up high, because you ARE superior.

We hope you CAP students find this humble list useful in preparing for your many achievements to come. You’re off to bigger and better things!

Good Riddance,

The Catch Editorial Staff