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As Britain wondered aloud about what it must have done in a previous life to deserve having Boris Johnson installed as its next prime minister, a large number of helpful people living in former British colonies piped up to point out ‘fucking plenty’.

“I thought you’d never ask,” shared one person responding to Britain’s 64th existential crisis in 3 years, “I’m struggling here, but off the top of my head…the Irish Famine, the Bengal Famine, the Indian famine – jaysus you were big fans of them, the illegal war in Iraq, colluding with the UDA/UVF in murdering your own civilians, the partition of India, concentration camps during the Boer war and in Kenya, the Windrush stuff.”

“Oh, oh, you loved a good massacre too; Tibet. Basically name a war crime and you’ve done it. The cover ups were impressive too. Christ, how could I forget; you loved the slave trade too. But if you’re serious about learning what cosmic karmic forces are at play give us a week to do proper research; give some of the lads in former colonies a shout and we’ll leave you in no doubt as to why you deserve this,” concluded the good Samaritan.

Collecting its thoughts after processing what it had just heard, Britain exhaled deeply feeling the full weight of the words.

“You’re so right. We’re but a noble nation deeply in touch with our past and history, that now suffers the indignity of Johnson as prime minister, it is truly an unjust turn of events from such a kind and generous country, which only ever gave to the world, asking for nothing in return,” responded Britain while covering its ears.

Elsewhere, here in Ireland some members of the public continued to laugh at Britain’s farcical political system which resulted in a leader being forced on the public without an election, having momentarily forgotten about how Leo Varadkar came to be Taoiseach.