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“Come on now, cutie, hold the label to the camera like a good girl,” baby blogger and mother of one Tara Hennessy ordered her 15-month-old daughter as she desperately tried to get the latest sponsored product into shot,”ah for God sake, don’t eat the bloody lid, there’s too many chemicals in it… come on now and concentrate”.

Upon entering this world, Charlotte Hennessy had been blissfully unaware of her mother’s desperate affiliation with fame and attention, however, it didn’t take long for the newborn to quickly realise that mammy had other plans for “her little treasure”.

“I never asked for this, nor did I sign a contract giving her permission to use my image to sell this crap,” opened up Charlotte Hennessy, now being changed for the fifth time today by her mother while her Canon 5D battery charged in the background, “she seems to think she’s the first woman to ever give birth, sharing pictures of me in the most embarrassing situations and adding legs to the things I say and writing them onto her blog that no one reads.

“Shit, I’m only here 15 bloody months and she’s already uploaded 2,000 half-naked images of me to the public domain,” added the toddler, who was now getting concealer applied to her face ‘to hide a blemish’, “what? Does she think I won’t end up forming my own opinion, how everything about this whole thing is wrong? Jesus Christ, just let me be a kid in peace”.

Now crying uncontrollably, and purposely ruining today’s moisturiser shoot, Charlotte Hennessy scuttered several ounces of digested breast milk and Lega into her cotton towel nappy, adding to herself: “why don’t you take a picture of that and upload it, bitch!”