Featured Photo: Earl Gardner

In their short history, the Philadelphia Union have signed 126** players to a first-team contract.

From the first players brought in through the expansion draft to the pre-signing of Academy product Anthony Fontana, these 126 men have delighted us, frustrated us, and — in a surprising number of cases — never really made any impression one way or another.

Because the current Union are somewhat of a dumpster fire right now, and because I found myself with a lot of free time on my hands this week, I decided to try to rank every one of those 126 players. This ranking is a chance for us to remember the surprises and the disappointments, the guys who never played and the guys who should never have played, the all-time favorites, and the Rais Mbolhi.

Here are the criteria I considered when putting together the ranking, listed here roughly from most important to least important:

How much did the player contribute to the Union on the field? Did I ever want to throw my shoe at the TV while this player was playing? How much did the player contribute to the Union off the field? How long did the player play for the Union? Did I, personally, like watching the player?

I did not give any consideration to performances outside the Union first team — so performances for other MLS clubs and for Bethlehem Steel (I’m looking at you, Tim Jones) do not matter for these purposes.

As you can see from the criteria, this is ultimately a subjective, somewhat silly exercise. No two people would rank these 126 players in exactly the same order. Disagree with my ranking? I hope you’ll argue it out in the comments.

For ease of reading, I’ve divided the list up into five categories, aiming for no more than one sentence of commentary for each guy. We’ll go from worst to best.

Okay, enough throat-clearing — let’s get to it.

** Ed. Note: I knew I’d miss someone, putting this list together by hand. As commenter Eric B points out, I left Jake McGuire off the list. This post has been updated.

TIER 5: THE ACTIVELY BAD

126. Rais Mbolhi. No one wanted him here — least of all the player himself — and it will be tough to find a worse transfer in MLS history.

125. Gilberto dos Santos Souza. I refuse to believe that this person actually existed.

124. Toni Stahl. Got a red card in the Union’s first match, then never played here again.

123. Raymond Lee. In his only MLS action, contributed to the Union’s late-match collapse against Kansas City.

122. Matt Jones. The English loanee looked lost in his sole appearance and found himself displaced with ease by John McCarthy.

121. Corben Bone. Earned the fastest ejection in Union history, entering in the 89th minute of a match and finding himself sent off in the 90th minute.

120. Matt Kassel. Injured Brek Shea in a friendly, perhaps proving that he doesn’t understand the definition of the word “friendly.”

119. Porfirio Lopez. The ballyhooed left back signing had spectacular hair and no discernible football skills.

118. Jorge Perlaza. Swapped for Danny Mwanga in the last acquisition of Peter Nowak’s madness, Perlaza managed one shot on goal in his 72-minute Union career.

117. Chris Seitz. Offered the first “that’s so Union” moment most of us witnessed when he dropped the ball at Jaime Moreno’s feet in the team’s home opener.

116. Anderson. Somehow not the club’s worst signing from Brazil, the centerback proved to have all the versatility of a hardened blob of concrete in his sole performance with the Union.

115. David Myrie. Started the Union’s first match and was released before the Union’s second match.

114. Walter Restrepo. Acquired for Michael Lahoud, Restrepo occasionally came on as a substitute winger who seemed determined to help the other team win.

113. Steven Vitoria. If you look in the dictionary next to the word “stiff,” there’d be a picture of this lumbering Canadian.

112. Kevin Kratz. Signed by the Union with the understanding he’d never play here, Kratz nevertheless kept up the charade that he was anything other than an Atlanta United player.

TIER 4: NEVER REALLY PLAYED

111. Shavar Thomas. I think this guy was a defender.

110. Taylor Washington. This guy was definitely a defender.

108 & 109. Chase Harrison & Jake McGuire. As backup backup keepers go, these certainly were two.

107. Cole Missimo. Eh.

106. J.T. Noone. I assume his name is pronounced “No one.”

105. Morgan Langley. Presumably a poorly disguised CIA spy.

104. Joe Tait. Since departing the Union, the Englishman has settled in with National League North side Spennymoor Town F.C., which I swear is the name of a real team.

103. Dzenan Catic. The Union’s top draft pick in 2015, Catic earned marketing hype before the season then found himself far away from the gameday 18.

102. Brian Perk. Had to use Google to remind myself that Perk was the Union’s third-string keeper for the first half of their first season.

101. Brian Holt. This is a different player than Brian Perk.

100. Don Anding. More like Don Failing, am I right?

99. Chris Agorsor. Notable only for being acquired via a “weighted lottery.”

98. Aaron Jones. Aaron Jones is the third-string right back for the 2017 Union.

97. Levi Houapeu. In his only meaningful action, gave up his No. 11 shirt when Freddy Adu joined the team.

96. Yann Ekra. The “Union Special” is signing a guy with a month left in the season, never playing him, then cutting him after the season. Ekra was a Union Special.

95. Krystian Witkowski. Struggled with concussions. Fun fact: the Union have had players named “Chris,” “Cristian,” “Cristhian,” and “Krystian.”

94. Greg Jordan. The second-best player the Union have drafted out of Creighton.

93. Chris Albright. Somehow played over 200 minutes on the 2012 Union, Albright is now better known for being an aggressively mediocre technical director.

92. Oka Nikolov. Despite never being needed or playing for the Union, Nikolov became a key part of the coaching staff and helped bring Tranquillo Barnetta to the club.

91. Thorne Holder. A nice dude.

90. Eric Bird. Would have been better off drafting Morgan Brian.

TIER 3: FRINGE PLAYERS AND PROSPECTS

89. Nick Zimmerman. In 2001, Zimmerman played for the United States Under-15 National Team, per Wikipedia.

88. Cristhian Hernandez. A Homegrown signing who scored a cracker of a goal against Everton, then never did anything else.

87. Kai Herdling. Showed up on a midseason loan from Hoffenheim in 2012, ran around a bunch, then disappeared into the mist.

86. Chris Konopka. A goalkeeper.

85. Juan Diego Gonzalez. Sources say JDG is still trapped somewhere in Talen Energy Stadium, making nearly $200k per year and never playing a game.

84. Austin Berry. Yanked around by interim manager Jim Curtin and technical director Chris Albright, the former Rookie of the Year vented to PSP’s Eli Pearlman-Storch and earned a loan spell in Korea’s second division for his trouble.

83. Ryan Richter. Local boy who did two stints in the Union organization, his @SHAQALDINHO Twitter handle is the best in Union history.

82. Bakary Soumare. Another defender brought in with fanfare who barely played, Soumare got the last laugh with his Twitter burn about the team’s practice facility: “Have [Michael Bradley] train in Chester Park? Come on bro.”

81. Chandler Hoffman. A first-round pick who never developed.

80. Jimmy McLaughlin. A Homegrown signing who never developed.

79. Lionard Pajoy. A striker with neither speed nor guile, Pajoy found himself punted down I-95 as soon as John Hackworth took over.

78. Andrew Jacobson. A regular player in the Union’s first season who only became a consistent MLS performer after he left Chester.

77. Charlie Davies. Acquired for a king’s ransom at the 2016 deadline, Davies has yet to sniff the net in a year with Philadelphia.

76. Brad Knighton. More serviceable than Chris Seitz.

75. Josue Martinez. A winger who never found his place in the tumultuous 2012 season.

74. Jay Simpson. A striker yet to find his place in the tumultuous 2017 season.

73. Brian Sylvestre. Despite having the three best keepers in MLS, the 2015 Union had to turn to the massive Sylvestre as the Mbolhi catastrophe unfolded.

72. Adam Najem. Shown flashes of potential early in his Union career.

71. Ethan White. Started about half the games in his two seasons here, despite having no positional awareness.

70. Kyle Nakazawa. Ran around a bunch in midfield for the Nowak-era Union, scoring his only professional goal in a hilarious 6-2 win over Toronto FC.

69. Stefani Miglioranzi. A Union original who started at sweeper in the Union’s only home playoff game.

68. Cristian Arrieta. Signed after the Union’s first game, Arrieta stabilized (as much as one person could) a leaky backline in the team’s expansion campaign.

67. Leo Fernandes. Impressed in a couple preseasons but never seized his chances at the MLS level.

66. Aaron Wheeler. The Union’s only striker/centerback — turns out there’s a reason guys don’t play both positions.

65. Freddy Adu. Probably the toughest guy to place on this list, as his flashes of brilliance were paired with a dysfunctional personality and maddening inconsistency.

64. Pedro Ribeiro. A burly striker who scored a couple of neat goals but was justifiably unprotected in the 2015 Expansion Draft.

63. Brian Brown. A loanee striker, Brown celebrated his goals with a salute but didn’t stick around for it to catch on — possibly because he only ever scored against Sporting Kansas City.

62. Shea Salinas. The oft-injured winger was jettisoned after the inaugural season, a decision that never made much sense.

61. Eduardo Coudet. The aged midfielder sported a spectacular hairdo; he’s now the manager of Club Tijuana.

60. Jeff Parke. This ranking might be somewhat low, but the veteran struggled with injury in his sole season here and ended up barely leaving a mark on the club.

59. Michael Lahoud. The occasional great game would be followed by a string of anonymous performances or an unfortunate injury.

58. Warren Creavalle. Has anyone ever seen Warren Creavalle and Michael Lahoud in the same room?

57. Eric Ayuk. Best backflips in Union history.

56. Ken Tribbett. A young defender capable of both solid defensive outings and face-meltingly awful defensive lapses.

55. Giliano Wijnaldum. The young Dutchman needs seasoning, but if Fabinho could become the team’s third-longest-serving player there’s no reason Wijnaldum can’t do the same.

54. Marcus Epps. Raw talent on the wing; probably should be playing in Bethlehem but scored a nice goal last week.

53. Zach Pfeffer. The team’s first Homegrown signing, Pfeffer turned professional at age 15 for a team that had no infrastructure for him. The young man did have one awesome game-winner before leaving the club and retiring at age 21.

52. Auston Trusty. No MLS appearances yet for the senior team, but some big outings with the U-20 national team have left the club drooling over this Homegrown’s potential.

51. Anthony Fontana. Technically only signed to a pre-contract, but the “crown jewel” of the Union Academy is from Delaware and so gets a bump in these rankings.

50. Derrick Jones. The rangy midfielder has been a pleasant surprise in the 2017 season and should see substantial playing time down the stretch and in the years to come.

TIER TWO: SOLID CONTRIBUTORS

49. John McCarthy. The local kid with the goofy helmet has grown from a feel-good story who occasionally knocked himself out while trying to throw the ball to a solid No. 2 keeper behind Andre Blake.

48. Josh Yaro. Injuries have fragmented the career of the highly regarded draft pick, whose outstanding speed and passing ability could anchor the Union defense if developed correctly.

47. Fabian Herbers. Came out of nowhere to be the team’s best offensive weapon down the stretch last season, even if injury has wiped out most of his 2017 campaign.

46. Jack Elliott. Playing like the Rookie of the Year in central defense so far, but questions remain whether he can keep up that run of form.

45. Keon Daniel. The lanky, infuriating Trinidadian made 64 official appearances for the Union, though who knows how many he could have piled up if not trapped in visa hell for the end of 2011. #FreeKeon.

44. Antoine Hoppenot. The Princeton product brought speed off the bench, then never learned any moves other than diving as the league quickly figured him out.

43. Andrew Wenger. He’s due.

42. Kleberson. Scored one of the best goals in franchise history despite John Hackworth treating him like a guy with advanced-stage leprosy.

41. Danny Cruz. Last seen on a slow boat to Norway, the former running back never lacked for aggressiveness, even when he lacked a subtle touch or soccer sense.

40. Gabriel Gomez. The guy sure did love himself, but he scored some great goals and brought real power in midfield in an otherwise anemic 2012 roster.

39. Alejandro Moreno. A shifty veteran presence most memorable for his spectacular assist on Le Toux’s second Union goal and his year as the team’s color commentator.

38. Danny Mwanga. When he was on, he was unstoppable. He wasn’t on enough.

37. Roger Torres. The tiny Colombian played a crucial role in the 2011 playoff campaign, then missed a season due to injury and found himself in John Hackworth’s doghouse. Who can forget this moment?

36. Fabinho. Somehow the sun rocket is yet to come for the Brazilian, who’s somehow given the club four seasons of infuriatingly inconsistent play at left back.

35. Gabriel Farfan. The lesser Farfan brother, he was nonetheless a versatile piece who the Union turned — via the magic of trading with Chivas USA — into the draft pick that became Andre Blake.

34. Fred. Somehow never picking up the nickname “Right Said,” but he became a great servant to the club in two stints despite being 79 years old.

33. Oguchi Onyewu. This might be too high, but the statuesque defender has barely put a foot wrong in his time with Philadelphia, and been a great addition to a locker room sometimes lacking in personality.

32. Fernando Aristeguieta. The ginger loanee wasn’t fleet of foot, but knocked home five goals in his sole season with the team.

31. Keegan Rosenberry. Played every minute of the 2016 campaign as a revelation at right back, the All-Star and almost Rookie of the Year must have run over Jim Curtin’s dog in the offseason because his 2017 season has seen him chained to the bench.

30. Carlos Ruiz. The little fish scored the best goal in Union history; only here for half a season, his goal-scoring nonetheless got the 2011 squad off to a hot start.

29. Veljko Paunovic. Many were skeptical of the “Old Serb,” but he quickly became a fan favorite in the second half of the 2011 campaign.

28. Michael Orozco. Only played one season with the Union but was a key component of the defense before disappearing during preseason.

27. Richie Marquez. After marinating for a season in USL, the seasoned Marquez seized his chance in 2015, starting nearly every game in central defense over the next two seasons. He subsequently fell into an interdimensional portal and has not been seen since.

26. Jordan Harvey. The one that got away, the popular left back was a stand-out before a midseason trade in 2011 put a curse on that position for the Union.

25. Raymon Gaddis. One of the longest-tenured players in team history despite having no offensive game, the fullback ended Sheanon Williams’ Union career and looks set soon to do the same to Keegan Rosenberry.

24. Roland Alberg. The controversial midfielder has produced some of the best goals in Union history, despite poor body language, not really fitting the system, and occasionally showing up 17 pounds overweight to preseason.

23. Fafa Picault. Fafa is scoring a goal every 200 minutes or so in 2017 Philadelphia’s anemic offense — few players in team history can match his footspeed even if his finishing leaves something to be desired.

22. Ilsinho. I admit to a blind spot for the Brazilian, because in a 2017 team consisting largely of grinders Ilsinho is willing to at least try stuff — with occasionally spectacular results.

21. Justin Mapp. A key part of the 2011 squad, Mapp’s veteran left foot sparked much of that team’s offense.

20. Amobi Okugo. A fan favorite and Union original, many feel that the team wasted Okugo’s great potential as a defensive midfielder by using him as a converted center back instead.

19. Haris Medunjanin. A veteran import with impeccable passing range, Medunjanin entertains fans and media with his long-range goals and random moments of sportsmanship.

18. Sheanon Williams. Manning the right back position for four years before losing the job in May 2015 and being sent out of town on a trade two months later, Williams was reliable in both offense and defense — though I don’t miss the insistence on using his long throw-in.

TIER 1: STARS

17. Chris Pontius. Always in the right place at the right time in 2016, he led the team with 12 goals and was a key voice in the locker room, even if his form in 2017 has been subpar and his USMNT call-up inexplicable.

16. Zac MacMath. Handed the job too young and left out to dry as the Union invested huge resources to replace him, MacMath nevertheless took it in stride, improved year-over-year, and was almost certainly a better goalie than Rais Mbolhi when he lost the job.

15. Conor Casey. The burly boy with the quiet voice fired home 21 goals in his three-year Union career, despite his physical gifts fading and his body taking a beating night in and night out. Bonus points for appearing in the funniest picture in Union history and getting ejected repeatedly on his return appearances at Talen.

14. C.J. Sapong. Crammed firmly into the “good-not-great” category of MLS strikers, Sapong uses his amazing strength to play as an old-fashioned center forward, reaching 10 goals for the first time in 2017.

13. Michael Farfan. His career highlight may have come in an exhibition game, but Farfan was an attacking force when played at his preferred position. His move away from the Union destroyed his career.

12. Alejandro Bedoya. The most expensive player in team history, Bedoya has been a do-everything midfielder when not on national team duty, but his short-lived experiment at the No. 10 position was a disaster. Weirdly, he’s only scored goals for the Union in Toronto.

11. Jack McInerney. Unleashed under John Hackworth, McInerney scored 10 goals in early 2013 as a lethal finisher, but only managed two more after a midseason Gold Cup call-up. Traded away in early 2014, McInerney is still somehow just 24 years old.

10. Faryd Mondragon. Yes, it was just one season, and Mondragon was an old, old man even before becoming the oldest man to play in a World Cup in 2014. But the Colombian keeper organized a stingy, disciplined back line in front of him on the road to the playoffs, and loved his new city and club like few Union players ever have. I miss him.

9. Maurice Edu. A statement of intent when signed in 2014, Edu spent most of his time shifted out of his preferred midfield position, instead filling in as one of the best center backs in MLS. The injuries that ended his Union career are a sad, sad situation.

8. Cristian Maidana. An assists machine who never quite fit in the rigid system preferred by Hackworth and Curtin (and who ate dinner too late at night), Maidana nonetheless created assists at an elite level — 26 of them in two seasons.

7. Carlos Valdes. Along with Mondragon, the Colombian center back was the team’s best player for large parts of 2011 and 2012, representing the Union when Chester hosted the 2012 All-Star Game. A protracted loan saga and a botched return in 2014 tarnished his otherwise sterling career.

6. Danny Califf. A blue-collar backliner with crazy hair and tattooed arms, Califf was an early fan favorite for his take-no-prisoners style of defense. Formed an effective partnership with Valdes in the club’s first march to the playoffs before his unceremonious ouster in the Nowak madness of 2012.

5. Brian Carroll. The longest-tenured player in team history and a consummate professional, Carroll was already a veteran when the team brought him in after the inaugural campaign. He offered defensive stability in the 2011 playoff team and continued to contribute, year after year, even as his skills began to decline and the team started to pass him by.

4. Vincent Nogueira. The tiny French metronome may be the best pure passer the Union have ever had, a relentless engine who buzzed about the pitch looking for the open man. Bigger regret: his untimely departure in 2016 or his just-missed shot that would have brought the Union their first-ever cup in 2014?

3. Tranquillo Barnetta. Brought class, experience, a spectacular man bun, and fiery leadership to a 2016 squad lacking all four, and dragged them to the playoffs. Scoring occasional wonder goals from the No. 10 position, the proof of his value to the team is how rudderless they’ve looked since his departure to boyhood club St. Gallen.

2. Andre Blake. It’s easy to forget that the Jamaican sensation has only been the full-time starter for a year and a half, because that year and a half has been punctuated by sensational save after sensational save. A deserved All-Star last year, Blake bailed out his defense many times in route to the playoffs, and has just begun to blossom on the international stage.

1. Sebastien Le Toux. The Union’s all-time leader in games played, goals, and assists, Le Toux scored a hat trick in the team’s first home game and has the only home playoff goal scored in Talen Energy Stadium. Not to mention that — in the ultimate “that’s so Union” turn of events — Le Toux has had not one but two poorly handled departures from the club. Who else could be number one on this list?