By Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword

SpoofOne News Staff

AWN POINTE, Iowa — Three weeks after several officers came forward to confess that their chief enforced citation quotas, Chief Melvin Horan announced at a press conference that he would do away with citations altogether to prove that numbers weren’t a priority.

“Tickets are just the grown-up version of losing your allowance. It’s not a long-term solution,” said Horan. “You know which punishment stuck with me? The burden of my mother’s disappointment.”

Related feature Check out the PoliceOne Humor News In the August 2013 edition, we take a satirical look at police work with collection of fake news stories, as well as some real-life stories we wish were fake.

Officer Ian Patient, a 7-year veteran with the department, agreed to let Old News Now reporter Sawyer Brokaw ride along with him shortly after the department finished the new training. During the ridealong, the officer pulled over a middle-aged woman for an unspecified violation.

“Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over today?” Patient asked as he approached the driver’s side of a gray sedan.

“Because you’re an [censored]?” the woman retorted from inside.

Patient pulled a bar of soap out of his holster and handed it to the motorist. “You can go about your day once you’ve washed that mouth out, ma’am,” he said.

“What’s next? You going to sit me in the corner?” the woman asked.

“No, ma’am. That’s considered excessive force.”

Patient ordered the woman to drive home immediately, go to her room and think about what she’d done.

Under the new system, Patient explained, backtalk is an automatic grounding, while fighting merits the deletion of game applications from the citizen’s mobile phone. Failing a roadside sobriety test means the offender must walk all the way home without their shoes.

“If I count to three,” Patient says, “the citizen is going to bed without dinner. We’ve already coordinated ‘do not serve’ bulletins with local eateries.”

A week into the new “citationless” patrols, Horan reportedly ordered his officers to demand that each offender post an apology note to their Facebook page.

As of Tuesday, officers will be required to cross-post a minimum of eight apologies per day to the department’s group page or risk having to wear a sign around their neck that reads “I don’t care enough about my community to enforce the laws properly.”

When Brokaw questioned the chief’s new tactics, Patient shrugged, saying, “It takes a village.”