10 QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR SCIENCE

1. In the not-too-distant future, a tree will fall in the forest. Is there any chance it will have been knocked over by some kind of rampaging robot?

2. When the world’s armies are finally equipped with laser rifles, how difficult will it be for a civilian to get his hands on one, and do you think it would totally blow up a squirrel or just burn a hole in it?

3. Hypothetical situation: a gigantic black hole is about to swallow the Earth. All human life is doomed. Question: would you happen to know any women who don’t want to spend their last few hours alone? If so, could you give them my number and tell them a gigantic black hole is on its way?

4. Let’s say a 150 lb. man and a 2,000 lb. futuristic battle robot are both dropped from a tall building at the same moment. Would they strike the ground simultaneously, or would the robot totally vaporize the man with a destructo beam before they even get halfway down?

5. If I were to take a newborn baby to a remote cabin furnished only with 19th Century technology, and if I were to keep him completely ignorant of the actual day and age, and if, on his 18th birthday, I suddenly revealed it was in fact the 21st Century and told him about all the modern wonders he’s missed out on — including radio, TV, computers, iPods, and smallpox vaccinations — would that be considered a scientific experiment or just extreme cruelty? Either way, wouldn’t you love to see the look on his face?

6. Have you come up with a logical explanation for spontaneous combustion yet, or a way to cause it in people I don’t like?

7. If I were to ride in a rocket ship traveling at the speed of light, and I return to Earth one year later, how many decades will have passed on Earth during that time? Enough that they’ll have invented sex robots? Or should I get back in the rocket for another few weeks or so?

8. I’ve heard that time travel will probably never actually be possible, so it seems the only way to achieve such a feat would be that experiment with the newborn baby, who in effect will be traveling 200 years into the future. Do you have a remote cabin I could rent?

9. Hypothetical situation: a team of scientists is experimenting with alpha rays, or whatever. Some guy accidentally breaks into the lab and gets hit with the rays, turning him invisible to the naked eye and allowing him to partake in all sorts of mischief. Question: would the guy eventually turn into a half-insane monster who can’t relate to regular people anymore and find himself chased by the authorities, or would he retain his humanity and maybe everyone should just get off his back and let him have a little fun? I say the second one, and would like to know where I can send a donation for the advancement of research into alpha rays, or whatever.

10. Planck’s Constant — anything to do with robots?