In this post I will mostly be talking about cycling etiquette, and how to be a More Considerate Cyclist. I’m aware that there are many blogs and articles and videos about this sort of thing, but that just proves that it’s a subject that’s ripe for discussion. However, in the interests of ‘being legally distinct from other blogs’ and avoiding so called ‘plagiarism’ (although if it’s good enough for the Daily Mail, it’s good enough for me), I’ll be adding a ‘Manly Cycling Seal of Approval’ to all my examples;

Salmoning

Salmoning is the practice that some idiots cyclists engage in, whereby they cycle against the direction of traffic. These people are sometimes misinformed, and sometimes lazy, and sometimes have just had enough of having four fully functional limbs. The only possible reason I can think of to salmon is if you are following the rules for walking in traffic. Doing this on a bike is a bit silly.

Solutions: I suggest following the good example of Tour de France winner Chris Froome and literally PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AS YOU POWER PAST. Cycling the wrong way? BAM, PUNCH IN THE FACE!

Shoaling:

Sometimes, in the course of silly commuter racing and the like, as well as the general act of being pure MAN (or WOMAN, no gender discrimination here), you will find yourself overtaking other, less manly cyclists. Doing this safely is the order of the day, and allows everyone involved to spend less time in traction. HOWEVER, city cycling means that sometimes you’re forced to stop at traffic lights. What should happen is that people should stop in the order they reach the lights, and, being British, Form An Orderly Queue. Someone who shoals ignores this convention, and, by extension, the thousands of years of cultural development that has lead us to the point where we can Queue In An Orderly Fashion at a traffic light, and barges past to the front of the queue.

Based on my personal observations, I would like to pose what I am modestly referring to as Charleston’s Second Law of Cycling (where Charleston’s First Law of Cycling pertains to the as-yet unexplainable relationship between unclipping from your pedals and the traffic light turning green) as follows:

The likelihood of the exhibition of Shoaling is inversely proportional to the ‘Pro’-ness of the offending cyclist.

or

S α 1/P

where S = Likelihood of Shoaling, and P = Relative ‘Pro’-ness

I hope this clears up the situation for all involved.

Solutions: Follow the good example of Tour de France winner Chris Froome and literally PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AS YOU POWER PAST. AGAIN. There’s a sort of running theme for my solutions, but I’m actually kind of ok with that.

Red Light Jumping

This is actually something that really annoys me, and it really does make all of us look bad. There is never a good reason to jump a red light, as cyclists we are road users just as much as anyone else. There’s a curious sort of entitlement that some cyclists seem to possess, and I don’t agree with it. I shouted after a woman once, which was pretty confrontational of me I suppose, and all I got in return was a middle finger, which was needlessly rude of her. Naturally I was forced to smother her with my jacket and carry on my way.

Solutions: I get a huge amount of quiet satisfaction out of catching up with people who’ve jumped red lights, and comprehensively overtaking them. This goes hand in hand with the previous point. I should point out here that there are no jokes in this section, but opinion is divided as to whether there are any jokes in the previous sections, so let’s move on.

Pavement Cycling

Cycling on the pavement is a great thing to do if you want to go up before a judge after mowing down a pedestrian or pedestrians. Otherwise I can’t recommend it.

Solutions: I cant recommend that you punch pavement cyclists in the face. In order to dispense vigilante justice to people riding on the pavement you would also need to be on the pavement, and that would inspire some other cyclist to pursue justice against you, and before you know it, it’s turtles all the way down.

People Being Faster Than You

This isn’t something I’m particularly familiar with, as I’m pretty sure it’s never happened to me, but it’s my understanding that sometimes there are people on the road who are faster than you are. The mind boggles. This rude behaviour is clearly not to be countenanced, and, frankly, gives all of us on the roads a bad name.

Solutions: Meditate on Rule 5 and BE BETTER.

Being a FILTHY CASUAL

The world is filled with people cycling non-road bikes on the roads, wearing t-shirts and cargo shorts, tracksuit trousers, and running shoes. Flip flops. These are the worst kind of people.

Solutions: Wear lycra, shave legs, climb mountains; be better.

NB. My legal representation informs me that I should make it clear that punching anyone in the face, or in any other way dispensing vigilante justice is probably a Bad Idea, and could easily see you hauled up in front of a magistrate on charges of being a tit.

I am cycling to Brighton for Amnesty! Please sponsor me here!