CBS Baltimore screenshot

So many questions from this picture, discovered during a recent tour of Ben Carson's home, including…


1. Who painted this? Do you think the people at the portrait store laughed when Ben Carson walked in and asked if someone could paint him and Black Klingon Jesus hanging out in a YMCA sauna, or do the people at the portrait store get so many requests like this that they have an artist on retainer who specializes in Black Klingon Jesus in the YMCA sauna paintings?

2. Why is Jesus a Klingon? Don't we all know that Ben Carson kinda doesn't believe in science? Or science fiction. Or history. Shouldn't this Black Klingon Jesus be, I don't know, Black Morgan Freeman Jesus, since Ben Carson likely believes the Earth is 3000 years old and Morgan Freeman is approximately that age?


Also, why does Black Klingon Jesus have hands the size of Shaq's? Even with his fingers bent, Black Klingon Jesus's hands are as big as Ben Carson's face. When he's done hanging out in the sauna with Ben Carson, Black Klingon Jesus should try out for the Sacramento Kings.

3. Did Black Klingon Jesus order his super silky Yaki lacefront on the internet, or does he have a guy deliver it to him? Asking because I know Black Klingon Jesus definitely didn't cop that in the store. The grade is too fine; the sheen is too shiny. That is some special order shit. (My guess? He had it delivered. This is Jesus after all. My Jesus aint on Ebay.)

4. Isn't a YMCA sauna one of the most boring places to stage of portrait of you and Black Klingon Jesus? If you really want to drive home the point about Jesus being your homeboy, how about a painting of Black Klingon Jesus in line at Chick-fil-A, getting eight chicken strips for you because you drank so much at brunch you're too drunk to stand in line yourself? Or that time you and Black Klingon Jesus went to Caribana, and all the hotels were booked, so he convinced one of his cousins in Toronto to let you crash for the weekend? Or that time you and Black Klingon Jesus were riding around in your car, and you got pulled over by the cops, and he told the cop the gun in the glove box was his instead of yours because he knew you already had two strikes? I'm spitballing here, but these would be much more compelling pictures than a Rondo-handed Klingon Jesus in a Brookstone robe talking to you about towels and mutual bonds.

That said, having an actual painting created of you and Black Klingon Jesus, and then hanging that picture in your home, is pretty damn Black. Kudos Ben Carson. Now take this Blackness thing to its natural extreme and catch a severe case of the itis after dinner tomorrow; an itis that makes you too tired to continue to run for president.