Yesterday, my very good friend James popped over, just in time for it to start snowing. Not knowing what to eat for dinner, we nipped over to Tesco to find some grub.

When we found Tesco already pushing large amounts of chocolate eggs on us, we began to wonder… could you make a chocolate omelette using Cadbury’s Creme Eggs?

What follows is the recipe we developed.

I want to make one thing entirely clear: this was an entirely sober project. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

——

The Creme Egg Omelette

Ingredients

12 Creme Eggs

300ml banana milkshake (or thereabouts, we weren’t really measuring)

1 bag of Smarties

1 bag of Maltesers

1 bag of marshmallows

1 bag of chocolate raisins

1 bag of whatever your supermarket calls those white chocolate buttons with the hundreds and thousands in them

200g block of white chocolate to garnish

Method

Step 1 Unwrap the Creme Eggs. This point is very important as we will be using a microwave shortly and the last thing we need is the foil being the ignition for 2,000 calories of energy in your kitchen, unless you have plans on remodelling your kitchen. And your eyebrows, for that matter.

Step 2 Once all unwrapped, crack the eggs into a mixing bowl. At this point you will probably need someone with meaty bear hands, especially if the eggs have been refrigerated. Alternatively, put them in the bowl and hit them with something reasonably heavy.

Step 3

Put in the microwave at 40% power for a minute (800W, YMMV). Mash a bit, then put in for another 40 seconds at 40%. Whisk mash the eggs into a fine paste. At this point your work should look roughly approximate to farm slurry. This is to be expected. If it looks like like faecal matter from a brothel you need to mash some more. If you get that joke then welcome to our level. If you don’t… this is a food post, we’re really not going to explain it.

Step 4 Add half the bag of smarties, half the bag of raisins, and the milkshake. Mix together well (or reasonably well. Hell, do it badly for all we care, you’re the one who will be eating it).

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Step 5

When the mixture looks like the faecal matter from a poorly run nursery, add half of the Maltesers. Microwave again for 40secs at 40% power. When the mixture looks like the faecal matter from a poorly run nursery, add half of the Maltesers. Microwave again for 40secs at 40% power.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Step 6

Mash and crush the Maltesers into the mixture.

Step 7

Microwave again for good measure. Continue to mix. Admittedly at this point I wasn’t paying much attention so I’m assuming this is what James did. . . . . . . . .

Step 8

Stir in the marshmallows. Might as well do all of them at this point. Stir in the marshmallows. Might as well do all of them at this point.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Step 9

Add in the white button things. The ridiculous posture is only required if someone is photographing your own attempts. Add whatever ingredients you have left, because why not. Add in the white button things. The ridiculous posture is only required if someone is photographing your own attempts. Add whatever ingredients you have left, because why not.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

.

.

Step 10

Microwave again, and stir well. The mixture should look like a brown, sludgy mess.

Step 11

Pour onto a plate as we did, or preferably something that won’t let stuff leak over the sides. Some kind of shallow bowl should suffice. Pour onto a plate as we did, or preferably something that won’t let stuff leak over the sides. Some kind of shallow bowl should suffice.

..

..

..

..

.

Step 12

This is where we went wrong. We put the whole thing into the freezer for 20-30 minutes to set, and served the result in a bowl with whipped cream and grated white chocolate. Turns out doing it this way is a tad sickly and can (probably) result in death from sugar poisoning and instantaneous diabetes.

Best, instead, to leave it overnight, and have it for breakfast, as this does not result in sugar hallucinations and melting teeth (this much I know to be true).

Et voila! Creme Egg Omelette, the perfect Easter treat. Unless you’re diabetic, an unhealthy adult, a healthy adult, a child, a teenager or an infant, in which case it will probably do some serious harm if consumed in any moderate quantity.