theme-guy:

Oops, my hand slipped. I would donate a kidney to have this crossover become a real thing.





Got inspired to write a thing again.

????: Hey-hey-hey! If it isn’t Steven Universe! I guess you’ve gone through enough life experiences to make yourself some big boy dreams. Good for you. Two thumbs (thumbs grow several miles high before they pop like balloons) waaaaaaaaay up.

Steven: Whoah. Who are you?

????: Cutting to the quick, I like that. Name’s Bill Cipher, kid. Dapper Dream Guru Extraordinaire. And I’m here to congratulate you on your recent streak of five-star fantasies. (Snaps fingers. A gold championship belt appears on Steven’s waist)

Steven: Wow! Thanks!

Bill: No need to thank me, you’ve earned it. I just wish your fellow Gems would let themselves dream as well as you do.

Steven: Well that’s because they don’t need to sleep. Amethyst does though.

Bill: Pffft, if I had lips, I’d be pffting right now. That’s just her pretending to nap.

Steven: Really? Um, Pearl and Garnet recently-.



Bill: Ah-ah-ah, I know what you’re gonna say, but that doesn’t count either. They just go into stasis. Their minds are still on, subconsciously stopping themselves from delving into the subconscious.

Steven: it can’t be that bad. If I didn’t get tired, i’d spend more time awake than asleep.

Bill: Ooo, you really don’t get it. Gems do get tired, but they’ve been a race of irritable insomniacs ever since one of their leaders outlawed dreaming hundreds of thousands of years ago.

Steven: Why would she do that?

Bill: Come now, Steven. You’ve met Gems that come directly from the Homeworld (pulls out a memory from his head of Jasper knocking him out) and they weren’t exactly nice, were they? (Plays it again) Ouch. (Giggles) That had to hurt.

Steven: (sad) It did.

Bill: And do you know WHY they were so mean? It’s because they’re cold, frigid, stagnant. (Summons silhouette of Peridot with a visible, shrinking, cartoon heart) Without dreaming, it was hard for Gem-kind to imagine. As a result, Art, Music, and Poetry all came to a standstill. Everything hollowed out save for sterile efficiency. They could scarcely feel for themselves. And when you can’t feel for yourself, you can’t feel for others. (Setting becomes a planetoid system) and when you can’t feel for others…you can do terrible things. (Every world begins to implode)

(Steven gasps)

Bill: Yeah, pretty dark stuff. And I’m sorry to say that the Crystal Gems, or the CGs as I like to call them, are almost exactly that.

Steven: You take that back! Amethyst, Garnet, and Pearl are nice. They’re good Gems! They care.

Bill: Right. (Coaxes more memories out of Steven) Because they were soooooo caring when they busted the Pizzas’ restaurant or the time they knocked out power for the entire town. Real humanitarians right there. (Clips of the Gems being contemptuous towards humans) Really feeling that compassion. Can almost taste it.

Steven: But they…love me. And I’m human.

Bill: You’re half. And even then, just because they say and act they do, do they really care? Or are they just humoring you because your mom was top cop?

Steven: I-I think I want to wake up now. (turns around, but Bill’s right there in front of him) GAH!

Bill: Steven. I can help you. I can help them.

Steven: Mr. Cipher, thank you for the dream belt, but we don’t need your help. I KNOW that the Gems feel, that they’ve got emotions!

Bill: True. But they’re all awful emotions. Shame (Amethyst in kindergarten pops up), Betrayl (Pearl with Rose’s scabbard), Anxiety (Garnet using Future Vision), Loss, Abandonment, Loneliness, Agony, Fear, Uncertainty. And - not to alarm you - when all anyone can feel is pain, they might decide one day that not being able to think or feel that much at all (the phantasms of the CGs become corrupted) is the better way to live.

Steven: This is horrible!

Bill: I dunno, the red one’s actually hotter now. Has a triclops thing going on. Give me a sec. (Teleports up to Corrupted Garnet’s face) I know you gotta destroy human civilization as we know it, but are you free for brunch after that?

Steven: BILL!

Bill: Eugh, duty calls. Later, gorgeous! (Teleports back to Steven) What’s up?

Steven: Is that really going to happen if the Gems don’t get any sleep?

Bill: eh, without a genuine helping of joy, I don’t like their chances. And their lack of imagination is seriously stymying their growth. Must be tough to think when you’re exhausted all of the time. In contrast, your mom let herself sleep, allowed herself to dream, dared herself to imagine, and look how powerful and well-adjusted she was. Anyway, it’s getting early. Time to send you back to the Land of the Waking

Steven: Wait, no! Please, tell me that I can save them.

Bill: If you can get them to sleep, then yes. You can.

Steven: Phew. Good. I’ll just ask them to-.

Bill: Nope. (The Star on Steven’s shirt becomes a black X) at worst, they’ll ignore you. At best, they’ll pretend in order to humor you. Too much negative rearing to overcome that little hang-up willingly, if you get what I’m saying

Steven: There has to be something we can do!

Bill: Hmmm…I think I might have a solution. If you’re willing to play along

(Extends hand)

Steven: (takes it) Okay. What’s the plan?

Bill: Since you asked, I’ve got it on good authority that Garnie’s future vision is going to lead you to this (conjures image of a rainbow serpent bangle lined with jewels). It’s like Gem Valium. One zap from this puppy and it’s hello dreamland. Now they might not want you near it, they might want to destroy it. But it’s important that you use it on them. I’ll take over from there

Steven: And then they’ll be all better

Bill: Steven…I guarantee that when they wake up, they’ll be all smiles and whimsy. 100% genuine. Almost like they’re completely different people. Unless you WANT them to transform into hideous, genocidal monsters. Choice is yours. It’s all on you. BYE!

Because why have a human body to further your schemes on the material plane when you can ride in style in something a little more…formidable?