FIRST-TIME buyers have welcomed stamp duty cuts that will help launch them on a spiritually barren path of buying incrementally larger houses.

28-year-old Tom Logan and his fiance Emma Bradford can now barely afford to buy their first house, which they will immediately decide is not big enough.

Logan said: “We’ve been living at my mum’s but all we really want is to buy a house, then another house, then another house, all the time worrying that where we are living does not fully reflect our social status.”

Emma Bradford said: “The main thing is having somewhere slightly bigger and nicer than our core peer group. But of course they keep upgrading so you are never secure.

“If only they would all just die.”

Logan said: “The property market is crazy. God knows what it’ll be like when our kids grow up.

“Really expensive, I hope, because by then I’ll be rich and able to buy them a house while telling everyone in the pub about my generosity in a fake ‘what a nightmare’ kind of way.”