I’m a straight man, and I like Supernatural (A Real Journalistic Article)

When somebody tells me about a show that’s not normally on my Straight Radar (kind of like “gaydar” except it enables me to determine who and what is 100% straight despite appearances–I know it works because I’ve watched a lot of gay porn and have been able to tell which actors are actually straight or not), it’s become a habit to first read up on the content (is it straight enough?) and plot (are there enough straight men to satisfy my urges?). Learning of ‘Supernatural’, now about to finish its 10th season on the CW, roughly around season 5, I began my research via the Google (a good portal for straight men–libraries can be too full of feminists, am I right my heterosexual male companions!). Unfortunately, Google failed my straight thirst this time, and most of what I first discovered was page after page of gay content. At first I wondered if Google was just confusing my search with my older search history, but on closer inspection it really seemed that gay shipping of characters on Supernatural overwhelmed the web. While not homophobic (I love gays! Just not anywhere they can be seen or heard by me, a straight man), this was indeed what deterred my interest to this particular series (I already watch enough gay porn online, as aforementioned), and I deemed it a Vampires Diaries knock off (this is a clever joke because everyone knows it’s teen girls who watch that show! only teen girls would be interested in gay things! Real Grown Up Straight Adults know better). Recently, however, I was asked by a friend (straight, so I knew I could trust him) to give it a real try, so I did. I got completely hooked.

I’m honestly confused and angry. Is nothing of straight white culture sacred to LGBT and female fans?! It’s been a month and I have since marathoned through the entire series from season 1 to season 10, not once witnessing any form of male attraction between characters (all those lingering, yearning looks between Dean and Castiel? Looks I give to my straight male friends all the time), apart from a few healthy bromances (somewhat disappointing almost–I’m used to some dick touching in my bromances). This is a case of mistaken community judgement similar to the M.L.P phenomenon.

MLP Phenomenon – (Aka; The Brony Phase) When a particular group of passionate people decide to over-exaggerate slight hints into their own fantasies for all to see.

This analogy makes complete sense and I clearly understand the dynamics of fandom very well.

Of course, we can all understand how being part of a community that expresses their views and love through the internet for all to see is tonnes of fun, but we should also consider how this hobby will be perceived by newcomers, as to not scare them away or reconsider initial interest. Especially if they are straight men like me, we should consider how it might threaten our fragile sense of masculinity, for if we don’t have that, then the whole world would become gay, and straightness a thing of the past. What a catastrophe! What would our children do, grow up not hating themselves and others around them for arbitrary and reductive reasons?! Sounds unhealthy to me. Like kale, or Obama’s socialist tyranny.

The thing is, your fandoms need straight white men to be legitimate, and your gayness is scaring us off. If it’s not about us striaghts all the time, then what’s the use? Is this a fandom for gay ants?

Anyway, after giving Supernatural this solid try, the characters and plot instantly caught me, especially in how handsome and attractive they all were while still remaining solidly straight. Here’s what I thought of the show:

Plot

This unsourced gif from Tumblr (I do have journalistic integrity, but it’d be unfair to all you straight readers to link back to that gay cesspit) depicts Dean, the straightest of them all, exercising his jaw muscles to be able to swallow large and long things.

In short, Supernatural is sort of a mix between Van Helsing and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, in the way it’s kind of not at all but those are the only two movies I’ve ever seen. I’m sure actual influences like On The Road and Hellblazer are too bisexual to be accurately compared to such a straight show like Supernatural. Brothers Sam and Dean Winchester are trained by their dad in the art of being “hunters” after the tragic death of their mother at the hands of an evil demon. Excellent start, ‘cause I like shows best when there are no women in them. I’m so straight like that.

Adventures ensue as they follow in their father’s (straight) footsteps hoping to save their friends, family, and each other from everything that goes bump in the night, and make sure the other stays robustly heterosexual. The struggle continues indefinitely as Earth is invaded by all sorts of mythological creatures including angels (also miraculously all perfectly straight and cisgendered! just like God intended), demons (in no way a popular allegory in gothic and horror literature for sexual deviancy), and even fallen gods seeking domination over the human race.



Main Characters

Dean Winchester has been a personal favourite character throughout each season, especially as I, a straight man, can identity with his unwavering heterosexuality. Watching in just a few weeks the gradual progression over the years of the show, Supernatural clearly displays devotion to its plot, something necessary for many guys to really enjoy a series (women don’t care about complex things like continuity and character development, they just want that eye candy! Everyone knows female fans only watch television to callously objectify men with their feminist covens. Not like us straight men, who appreciate things for their true artistic value, just as long as it’s not gay.). This character not only provides a beacon of comedic relief but tonnes of fanservice for the guys as he hooks up with anything that gives him a second glance (since this show has so few women it’s usually men that give him a second glance, but if two straight men fuck each other roughly and desperately it’s still straight sex!). A fan of classic metal myself, his soundtrack quickly caught interest and is probably what solidified his #1 spot in my heart and in my loins. Without going into spoilers, Jensen Ackles basically nails every emotion and phase Dean goes through, especially all the straight ones.



Sam Winchester, on the other hand, is kind of a whiny kid. Gendered slurs aren’t enough for how his emotionality reminds me of women, who I hate unless I’m fucking them (rarely, since I spend most of my time with straight men comparing how straight our dicks are). While much of the earlier plot revolves around him, not once has this character really engaged me into believing any form of true internal struggle. Complex feelings of guilt and identity don’t really move me when I’ve always known I’m an extremely heterosexual man who answers to nobody. Sam has had more men in him than any other character on the show (I made a gay joke! I’m not homophobic, I talked to a gay man once on the bus.). All jokes aside, this only gives the illusion of deep personality evolution through many separate faces, as Sam himself never really changes (unlike Dean, who goes from straight to EVEN STRAIGHTER when the angel Castiel shows up in season 4). Jared Padalecki is without a doubt an awesome actor, but Sam really needs to grow a pair, because without large testicles, how else can I conceive of my own fragile and easily injured masculinity?



Final Reaction

Shows like Supernatural are absolutely ideal for anyone looking to kill some time on a Thursday night while knocking back a few cold ones, as us heterosexual men do. The plot progresses at a rate of about 16/24 episodes per season, leaving room for fun and fancy filler involving recurring characters like Felicia Day’s Charlie Bradbury (her character is lesbian but this is okay to me because I can still objectify her body safely this way). This may not be the most straight show of all time, but coming from a guy raised on Star Trek, probably the most heterosexual genre series to ever air (Kirk and Spock have my ideal heterosexual male companionship!), it’s pretty damn good.



I ESPECIALLY know this show is straight because this Pulitzer Prize nominee for excellence in straight journalism told me so.