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Great news, ladies! Pickup artist and rape legalization proponent Roosh Valizadeh has decided to take a wife, or at least a wife-equivalent! Might you qualify for the job?

In a blog post that is essentially the world’s longest and least enticing personal ad, Roosh lays out what he’s looking for in what he so poetically calls “a woman who I think would be suitable for reproduction (and not necessarily state-sanctioned marriage).”

Beldar Conehead could not have put it better!

Let’s go through the list of requirements.

You must be so young and inexperienced you don’t realize you could do better than Roosh

Roosh likes them young, specifying that his future wife or wife equivalent needs to be between the ages of 18 and 25. In part, he explains, this is because he wants someone with a fresh womb, etc, capable of popping out multiple children units.

But he also wants a woman who’s not “emotionally damaged,” which his way of saying “someone who’s never dated anyone better than him.”

[S]ingle women over 25 are emotionally damaged in some way, are alpha widowed, or are professional daters who are incapable of making the proper relationship sacrifice.

“Alpha widows,” in the Red Pill world, are women who look back fondly on men they’ve dated before.

You must not have had sex with anyone better than Roosh V

Ideally, Roosh would prefer a woman who’s never had sex with anyone at all, and who cannot, therefore, compare him to anyone else.

I … don’t want to marry a woman who has voluntarily accepted being used as a [censored by DF] dumpster by other men, or who kisses my child with lips that have been previously wrapped around many other …

We’ll just end that quote a little early, for decency’s sake.

He is, however, willing to wife up — or wife-equivalent up — women who’ve touched fewer than three other penises. As long as the dudes she previously dated were basically big losers.

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources. Otherwise, once the honeymoon is over and the relationship hits an inevitable low point, she will get a “Could I have done better?” itch and sabotage the relationship or test me to the point where I have to play “dread game” just to keep her in the kitchen.

In case you missed his main point, he spells it out as explicitly as he can:

There must be no doubt within her mind that I am the best that she could possibly get.

You should be pretty, but not so pretty that you think you can do better than Roosh

More specifically, you must be a 7 on the ten-point lady attractiveness scale. No other ratings are acceptable.

Thanks to technology and modern cosmopolitan society, a woman who is an 8 or above in beauty has been exposed to more toxic situations and experiences where she’s achieved some level of e-fame, been validated incessantly for her appearance, and been offered money, consumer products, and trips for her vagina (and likely accepted those offers).

I think he means that these terrible 8-point-or-higher women have traded sex for vacations, not that lovesick beta males have literally paid for these women’s vaginas to travel the world. But this is Roosh here, so who knows.

She has also fully utilitized her beauty to get her way in life, including prime seating for manipulating men for personal gain. Not only is such a woman harder to manage, but her entitlement is far higher. For a life partner I will purposefully aim lower than what I could get for casual sex.

So evidently it is fine for Roosh to think he could “do better” than his wife, but not vice versa.

The color of your skin must fit within acceptable parameters

Roosh, of Persian/Armenian descent, wants his future wife/wife equivalent to have a “skin tone … within two shades of myself.” So no Swedes, but also no one with skin much darker than his.

I would like to have kids that look like me, so I will not reproduce with a woman who is black, Asian, or Indian. Acceptable races are South American, Persian, Armenian, and European (non-Northern).

You should be feminine, submissive, and preferably not too smart or strong

Roosh likes his women like he likes his coffee, weak. (NOTE: I do not actually know how Roosh likes his coffee.) As he sees it, his ideal mate

should look and act like a woman and not try to compete with me in terms of mental or physical strength.

You should be happy staying at home with the kids while he procures some sort of super-enriched bread

Once the kids arrive, she should have no desire to pursue a pointless office career in place of taking care of our growing brood. … her place will be in the home while I tirelessly work on my internet ebook hustle to bring home the bread that gives her everything she needs.

But Roosh won’t be a tyrant. While he specifies that he won’t “participate in more than 5% of household duties outside of home improvement,” his bride or bride equivalent will be allowed to have some hobbies, and possibly even a dog.

She may have some freedom to pursue hobbies like yoga or knitting … She can live a pleasant middle-class lifestyle that can even include dog and car ownership.

Sounds like paradise! Speaking of which:

You have to believe in some sort of god

Roosh, who doesn’t seem to have any religious beliefs of his own, as far as I can discern, requires that his future wife or wife equivalent be a believer herself. As he sees it, religious women are less likely to use the internet or get fat on him.

My experience shows that a woman who doesn’t believe in god has a value system taught to her by corporations and progressive degenerates. She will certainly be addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food.

But don’t worry, gals. Roosh doesn’t specify WHICH god he requires you to believe in, so all you Baal worshipers should be ok!

You probably should live in some tiny Ukrainian village without internet access

As Roosh sees it, his requirements for the future mother of his children

are quite reasonable, and something that would have taken no more than a 6-month search two generations ago … .

Unfortunately, such women are hard to find these days, at least in places with actual sidewalks and electricity and so forth.

[B]ased on my last decade of intensive fornication, I’ve encountered maybe two girls who fit the bill, especially when it comes to girls being a virgin and eager to stay at home. Part of this reason is that most of my time hunting for women was spent in big cities where such values are rapidly disappearing.

So where in the world does Roosh think he might find the elusive girl of his dreams, reproduction-wise?

If I do want to have kids, I should immediately move, because I’m surely not getting any younger. The two countries that seem to best accomplish my list are Ukraine and Russia … .

Wait: IF you want kids?

Yep, if.

Because there’s one little catch, ladies. Roosh doesn’t actually want kids now. He’s just pretty sure he’ll be wanting some later.

While I can honestly state that I’m not crazy about having kids right now, I know that my desires can change and so I have to guess if I will want them within five years time.

So all you ladies older than 20 are pretty much out of luck — by the time Roosh gets around to actually wanting kids, you’ll be too old, an ancient crone of 25 years or older.

But if you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, with the proper color skin and no career aspirations, you still have a chance! All you need to do is to is to throw away your iPhone, strap on a chastity belt, move to some small town in Ukraine or Russia, and wait five years for Roosh to arrive.

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