First off lemme just give a fearful gibbering shoutout

to tech-savvy ogrebeast Marrowcrusher MacDredd

for funding my porn addiction by commissioning this myth about some assholes

LET THE ASSHOLES BEGIN

so there’s this dude Lugh the Long-handed right

i think i mentioned him before

but what i still don’t understand

is why he is called the long-handed

is that a desirable trait?

i mean i could see wanting to have long arms

like if you are the law or an octopus or whatever

but long hands?

it just seems like you would need special forks

BUT LOOK THAT ISN’T THE POINT

the point is one day Lugh is riding around on his horse trying to save some dude

or rather some dude’s possessions

the dude’s name is Bodb Dearg

maybe it is actually a city and not a dude

probably it is a city

but who gives a shit

anyway the dudes that stole it are called Fomor

who the fuck comes up with all these names

why don’t we just call them what they are

the assholes and some other assholes

anyway Lugh is riding after the assholes to get the other assholes’ shit back

and he runs into his dad and his dad’s two brothers

his dad’s name is Caitn and the other two dudes are totally irrelevant

and they are like sup Lugh whatcha doin

and Lugh is like trying to get some shit back

and they are like oh sweet can we help

and he’s like yeah

can you gather some more assholes to help me with this shit

and they are like YESSS

so Lugh keeps riding after the other assholes

and these assholes split up to try and find as many other assholes as they can

So Cainte ends up going north

and running into these three HUGE assholes

the three sons of Tuireann

who hate the SHIT out of Cainte and his brothers

and Cainte is like fuck this i better hide

so he takes out his druid stick

which is basically like the sonic screwdriver of ancient ireland

and he hits himself in the face with it and turns into a pig and goes and hides with some other pigs

at which point the sons of Tuireann are like hey

did you see some jackass turn himself into a pig just now?

yeah

he’s probably up to no good

let’s stab him

so they do

and then Cainte turns into a dude again and is like any chance of not killing me?

and they are all like NOPE

and in fact then they kill him by throwing rocks at him

also this pisses off nature so much that they have to bury him SEVEN TIMES

before the ground stops shitting him back out

SO THAT’S FUN

meanwhile Lugh catches up with the Fomor dudes

and he is like hey wanna give all of Bodb Dearg’s shit back

and they are like nope

and Lugh is like ok cool have it your way

and he waits 3 days for all the other assholes to show up

and then they just straight wreck the shit out of Fomor

to the point where some important Fomor dudes are like hey Lugh

if you let us go now

we promise to come back later and attack you again

this time with ALL OUR GUYS

and Lugh is like DEAL

SERIOUSLY

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE SORT OF DEALS YOU SHOULD MAKE GUYS

so then the battle is over and Lugh is like oh man i feel great

i would love nothing more than to give my loving father a great big hug

where is he by the way

DEAD YOU SAY?

UNACCEPTABLE

WHO DID THIS

COULD IT POSSIBLY BE HIS MORTAL ENEMIES THE SONS OF TUIREANN?

OF COURSE IT IS

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE EARTH STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME THAT SHIT

so everyone is getting shitfaced and partying and junk

and Lugh calls them all together like dudes

my father is dead

how many people think that is shitty

and everyone raises their hands

including the Tuireann jackasses

and Lugh is like how many people agree

that I should murder the shit out of the dudes that murdered my dad

and again everyone raises their hands

and Lugh is like ok who did it

it’s ok you can tell me

and the Tuireann guys are like fuck fine

it was us

and Lugh is like oh ok sweet

so how about instead of killing you i just ask you to run a couple errands for me

i have kinda been meaning to go grocery shopping but i got distracted by wars

so if you could just get me like

three apples

and a spear

and a pig skin

and a chariot and a couple horses

and seven pigs

and a puppy

and a roasting spit

and three shouts on a hill

i think we can call it even

sound good?

and the sons of Tuireann are like that sounds TOO GOOD

and Lugh is like PROMISE YOU’LL DO IT

and they’re like fine

we promise

and Lugh is like HAHAHAHA ASSHOLES

EAT FINE PRINT

THOSE APPLES I WANT?

BASICALLY THE GOLDEN APPLES OF THE HESPERIDES

AND THE PIG SKIN IS MAGIC OBVIOUSLY

AND THE SPEAR IS ON FIRE CONSTANTLY

AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE CHARIOT AND THE HORSES AND THE PIGS AND THE DOG

ALSO THE SPIT IS OWNED BY A FUCKTON OF WITCHES

oh and ps you have to go shout on top of this specific hill

that is guarded by some big jerks who trained my dad

who you killed remember

and who are sworn to prevent people from shouting on top of that hill

so that won’t be easy either

and the Tuireann dudes are like WELP

GUESS WE MIGHT AS WELL START GETTING FUCKED OVER IMMEDIATELY

so they get the fuck out of ireland to find all of this stupid crap

so the first stop is that apples place

they show up there and there are all these knights and giants guarding it

and two of the dudes

who have names with too many letters

are like LET’S JUST CHARGE THEM AND GET KILLED

but the third one

whose name is Brian

is like no idiots

let’s just use our druid sticks

come on

everyone has these

why are they not part of your problem solving protocol

so they use their druid sticks and BAM they are birds

they swoop in and steal apples

and then some ospreys or something start chasing them with lightning

but it’s ok because they turn into swans

PERFECT

so next they gotta go to some king and steal his magic healing pigskin

so they decide to pose as poets

here is the problem

they are shitty poets

except for Brian but he’s pretty competent at everything

anyway they show up at the king’s place and they are like WE ARE POETS

and the king is like AWESOME I WAS JUST WISHING I HAD SOME POETS

COME IN EAT MY FOOD DRINK MY DRINK

so they go inside and immediately start getting smashed

and the king is like hey

recite some poems

and Brian’s brothers are like durr uhh

and Brian is like fine i got this

ahem:

YO YO YO YO YO

I HEAR YOU GOT A PIGSKIN

GIMME DAT PIGSKIN

and the king is like excellent poem

what is it about

and Brian is like it is about that pigskin you have

and how you should give it to me

and the king is like i’m sorry dude

that poem was really great but i don’t give that pigskin to anybody

how about instead I fill the pigskin with gold THREE TIMES

and give you all that gold

JESUS CHRIST GUYS

DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS A TIME

WHEN SHITTY POETRY WAS THIS LUCRATIVE?

LIKE YOU COULD JUST STROLL INTO SOMEONE’S ABODE AND BE LIKE

HEY HEY HEY

GIMME ALL YOUR SWAG

AND BAM

INSTANT RICHES?!

BRB GUYS GONNA GO LIVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES REAL QUICK

so anyway Brian is like sure works for me

except then when they bring out the pigskin for to measure shit

he and his brothers just kill everyone and steal it

EXCELLENT WORK GUYS

so next stop is speartowne

somewhere in persia

they’re like well hey

the poet thing worked once before

let’s try that again

so they show up as poets

and Brian is like hey king

i wrote you a poem

ahem:

BOY DO I LIKE SPEARS

I HEARD YOU MIGHT HAVE A SPEAR

HAND THAT SHIT OVER

(this is my contribution to national poetry month)

but the king is like not so fast son

you can’t just prance in here with your fancy hair ribbons and your silver tongue

and expect me to start bathing you in bitches and riches

get the fuck out of my house

and Brian is like woops

plan B

MURDER YOU WITH THE APPLE I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND

and then between the three of them they kill everyone in court

and steal the spear

which has to be constantly kept in water so it doesn’t burn the house down

SUCCESS

next up: get some fucking horses and a chariot to strap them to

they decide to slightly alter they MO for this one

and pretend to be soldiers instead of poets

so really not so much pretending

as just showing up like sup

we are soldiers

can we work for you

and the king is like SURE AWESOME

but the Tuireann bros work there for like a MONTH

and they never even catch a GLIMPSE of a chariot

so finally they are like fuck this we’re leaving

as a result of your failure to produce horses

and the king is like whoa guys

why didn’t you just ask to see the horses?

i show those fuckers to anyone who expresses even the remotest interest

and I like you guys

everyone here likes and trusts you guys

here is the chariot and here are the horses

at which point Brian and co murder everyone and take the loot

THE SONS OF TUIREANN:

PERHAPS NOT THE MOST COURTEOUS GUESTS

so at this point word has kind of gotten around

that these dudes keep showing up and ruining kingdoms

so when they show up as this dude Easal’s palace

like hey we are warriors/poets here to kill/serenade you

Easal is like OK GUYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT JUST TAKE IT

and they are like we just want 7 magic pigs

and Easal is like WHATEVER GUYS

THEY’RE JUST SOME FUCKING MAGIC PIGS

NOT WORTH GETTING MURDERED OVER

and the Tuireann guys are like wow

we just accomplished something and we didn’t even have to kill ANYONE

this feels weird

so they feast a bunch and then the next day they are like WELP

off to go steal the ultimate puppy from some other king

and Easal is like oh shit my daughter is MARRIED to that other king

bring me with you so i can talk him out of getting murdered by you

and Brian is like sounds good

so they all get on a boat together and go to wherever this nonsense is happening

and Easal goes up to the king like dude

you have two options here

get murdered

or give them a fucking DOG

be smart about this

and the king is like NOPE

so then there’s a huge battle

only instead of killing the king Brian just ties him up and waves him around

like a screaming white flag of emasculation

and then they get the dog

so Lugh has been using his long-hand size druidic crystal ball

to spy on these dudes this whole time

wicked witch of the west style

and he is like oh look

they just got all the things that I actually WANTED

lemme just go ahead and cast a spell that makes them forget all the other shit

before they fuck something up and die too early

so Brian and friends are suddenly like oh man we’re done

let’s go home

and they go home

and Lugh is kind of avoiding them for some reason

like he goes to this city called Teamhair

which makes me think of a game of shirts versus skins basketball

except instead of team shirts and team skins

it is Team Hair and Team Nohair

oh god that just turned so creepy in my head

anyway the finally track Lugh down and they’re like hey

dude

we got your shit for you

and Lugh is like THAT’S ONLY LIKE HALF OF MY SHIT

WHERE’S THE SUPERFLUOUS ROASTING SPIT

ALSO I DON’T HEAR ANYONE SHOUTING ON TOP OF ANY FUCKING HILLS

and the sons of Tuireann are like OH FUCK

HOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THOSE THINGS

let’s go get them

so first they go get that roasting spit

but the problem is that it’s on an island and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE ISLAND IS

they have to look for it for like 3 fucking months

and finally Brian gets fed up and dives into the water to go find it by swimming

seriously i’m not just having Brian do everything because i like typing his name

his brothers are fucking worthless

they are pretty much either killing people

or sitting around choking on their own fucking saliva

anyway Brian finds the island

with all the chicks on it

and he sees the roasting spit

and he’s just like fuck it

how about i just take it

so he picks it up and starts walking away

but the chicks are just like HAHA FAT CHANCE

THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF US AND WE’RE MAGIC OR SOMETHING

BUT WE ADMIRE YOUR RETARDED AUDACITY SO YOU KNOW WHAT

JUST TAKE IT

WHATEVER

so DING DING DING another task solved thanks to GUMPTION

now there is only one thing left

and that is to go shout on a hill

so they land their boat next to the hill

and some dude comes running down the hill

like YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO SHOUT ON THIS HILL

and brian is like YOU BETTER NOT GET STABBED BY MY SWORD

but he is actually using reverse psychology

because then he stabs the shit out of that dude

BUT OH NO

HERE COME THREE MORE DUDES

SO NOW EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT

and so all six dudes who are involved in this bloodfest get stabbed with spears

and the Tuireann bros win obviously

but not before getting mortally wounded

so they’re all lying at the base of the hill

and Brian is like COME ON GUYS

WE GOTTA GO SHOUT ON TOP OF THIS HILL

and the other two are like sorry dude

too busy dying

and Brian is like FUCK THAT

and picks everyone up

and they do a mortally wounded three-legged deathrace to the top of the hill

where they shout three times

and then fall down and roll back to their boat

so shit looks pretty grim

but remember how they got that magic pigskin that heals all wounds earlier?

so Brian gets the bright idea to go ask Lugh if they can use that for a second

and they sail back to Teamhair

and one of Brian’s brothers goes in

and asks Lugh if they can borrow the pigskin real quick

and Lugh is like NOPE

and Brian hears this and is like fuuuuck

here

carry me in there

see if I can convince him

i’m the one that actually does things

and he goes in there and is like Lugh

seriously

we got all your stupid shit

it would literally cost you nothing to save our lives right now

and Lugh is like hold on i’m getting another call

oh it’s my dad

I’m sorry dad what’s that you say

it’s hard to hear you because BRIAN AND HIS SHITTY BROTHERS FUCKING MURDERED YOU

and Brian is like fine ok i get it

and then he and his brothers die

and they are buried together

so yeah

the sons of Tuireann were assholes

but in the end

it was Lugh who was the real asshole

which just goes to show

that when you are surrounded on all sides by assholes

sometimes the biggest asshole

was inside you all along

THE END