The night started off as brisk and swift as a hunch perforation for the events to come. Nothing troublesome, except as sense of urgency in the way. I have been reading books all day long, taking time to immense myself in the ageless wonders some of the stories have produce all the while moving into a more converse spot to assimilate the task at hand.

I was going to take a test that was going to determine whether I passed a class or not, and I needed a last batch of studies to get my confidence and stigma going into the positive direction. I had taken things real slow over the past couple of days, hoping to instead focus on intellectual readings to crowd my mind and ease some of the responsibilities out of the way. This in turn led me to face the dilemma of how in the world was I going to study for an important test at the last minute needing to pass?

The pondering thought had a simple solution, with dire consequences if not administered in the correct fashion. A stimulant that will give me laser sharp focus and memory retention that has long lasting effect, and above all else, a powerful kick to keep me up all within moments time. I am talking, of course, about Adderall. Very powerful stimulant indeed. I was beginning to take interest in this drug and all the possibilities it might entail. Parties, studies, thinking, sex, reading… Man, it was wonderful.

I took it once three days before to do a report on bankruptcies for my Law class, while also taking the time to study for my final test. The effects were inducing and invigorating. Everything I did was done with the tenacious determination and concentration. In two hours I manage to finish all my responsibilities and had enough confidence and time to leave them all at my disposal for another time. The rest of the night I used it to read and think, going to sleep at the comfortable hour of 2am.

The next time I took the Adderall, this time to finish what I started in my first binge, resulted in one of the craziest days of my entire life.

Everything was all set for Thursday night. The air was calm and no one was at my vicinity with the intent to disturb my peace. I had enjoyed the early parts of the day the same way I have done for well over two weeks now, in the fine comfort of books of all kinds. There was still more than two hours to kick before the tentative hour of consumption at exactly 1am, so I spent the rest of the time going through YouTube and Google, trying to distance myself from everything. It was only a matter of time before my plan was to be executed to perfection and let my neurons completely fuck over each other in the waning moments of the night.

***

The Adderall didn’t take effect until approximately two full hours since its original consumption. By then, I had taken another 15 milligrams to serve as an extensor to my original dose and give me all the energies I needed to survive for almost 8 hours in these conditions. I wanted to test the limits of what my mind, body, and soul could support.

The first time I had taken the drug my body welcomed it with open arms. The second time it was even more receptive. My brain was in first place of the Indy 500 trying to break the sound barrier. It wasn’t listening to the outside world and did whatever it wanted to do for well over three hours. I studied, I read, and I most certainly spent a heavy amount of time staring at my window for well over an hour thinking about whatever the fuck came to mind.

Nothing in this world could explain the power of this drug. It lurked into the very fabric of the system it encounters, creating euphoria and invigoration. Either the user feels like they are the smartest human being in the world, or they feel like they could tackle all of life’s problems. It was around these later effects that I started to take my thoughts on a more romantic level, and once I did, nothing in this whole wide world could take me away from these emotions. There’s only been one person in my life that has taken my heart prisoner for such a long time, and till this very day I still haven’t found the courage to go talk to this person. The drug made me question my idea of love, and somehow made it something bigger than me. It motivated me to fix all my problems with her so we can be together.

This lingered on for well over 4am, where there were only a mere 3 hours before my big test. I knew this wasn’t doing me any good if I kept prancing around this philosophical attempt to enclose my love for her into a more connoted meaning, but I couldn’t stop myself. My mind was a machine unable to drive away from its instructions, and right now its instructions were to completely ignore the troubles abroad. It was useless to resist fighting back.

Despite the emotional dilemma I was finding myself in for the time being, I was nevertheless having a really good time. I was happy, motivated by the array of thoughts, and calm with myself knowing this could be the way things go for three more hours. I was confident in my knowledge of the subject, and I was enjoying this prancing around. Little did I know that when the clock stroked 4:40am the entire day would be ruined.

Something went wrong. The Adderall was receding. I could feel it. My brain wasn’t working at high motor speeds, the sense of dread a normal human starts to feel when they have to face everyday life was beginning to take effect, and things started to feel a little less ordinary and productive.

I panicked. Not because I was no longer happy and as concentrated as I was before, but because taking the test without the Adderall taking effect was something I was not planning on. Things needed to be in place. I needed to be a little crazy inside the head, to remember the notes I could not have sung on other tones.

Disaster was looming. An F was approaching. I couldn’t take the pain of failing this class. No, not this one. Any other one could’ve been fine; I would deal with it on my own terms. But this one? No chance in hell I was ever going to overcome a D in this class.

In the midst of this delusional overthinking, I made the choice a scared man with nothing to lose would chose and grabbed another dose of Adderall. Fifteen milligrams now, 15 more two hours later. I didn’t want to risk taking the test with half the force, so I wanted to produce the same effects I was feeling all night long, and I thought the only way this could be done was by repeating the same pattern as before.

By 5:30, the effects were back on, but the recent events made me more preoccupied with its ability to last than to actually enjoy the effects of the drug. I was studying with fervor, distancing my other thoughts and only coming to grips with them for some mere moments of entertainment as I was trying to calm down, but the damage was already done. I wasn’t to feel the same way again for as long as the drug lasted.

I spent the rest of the night trapped as a prisoner in the mind of the relics I created by going into excess with something I didn’t fully understand. I overdid an experiment that was very risky to begin with, and could’ve landed me in some deep trouble if I kept asking for more. From now on everything I did looked very differently from the portrayal of the ambition of a once peaceful effect. I did wonders, but horrors when faced with uncertainty. A clear metaphor for the user of this drug, and how to dealt with it.

***

It was 6am. Time to leave. First I needed to stop and get some gas. I had work that same day and I wanted to be fully prepared for the long trips my work required me to do with my own car. I was afraid of driving under this circumstances, being unhappy and with much pressure. There was no one to take me on time so it was futile to ponder the thought further. Only logical option was to suck it up and control your mind as best as you can.

Didn’t take me less than 10 minutes to fill up the tank, so I was well on my way to meet my probable impending doom. I arrived at the university at 6:25am, plenty of time for one last batch of studies. There were already 60 milligrams of Adderall in my system. My mind felt the kick, but the disaster that unfolded two hours earlier completely ruined my state of mind. From then on out I would no longer feel like an intellectual. Instead, I would feel like a worthless bum trapped in his own misfortunes.

I went to sit on a corner where no one was around save for humble folks minding their own business, probably on their way to take another Finals test like me. Despite all the troubles I faced, I was still confident in my knowledge of the subject. It wasn’t really all that much information, and it was all just a deterioration of logic. For 25 minutes I looked into my notes, still feeling the kick helping me out. One of the side effects of taking the drug aside from some mood swings is the constant coldness one could feel depending on how much he concentrates in the temperature of his surroundings. That, and a knack for headaches.

It was 7am and the professors was nowhere in sight. He was never late, for anything. Probably still picking the exams up, or got lost in the headlines of the newspaper he always brought when we were taking tests. Ten minutes passed and still nothing. I was beginning to get distraught. I checked the date of the test and it concurs specifically around this same time, so no error of judgment there.

Tired of waiting, I got up from my comfortable thoughts and went inside the building. A simple one story building with two corridors on opposite direction and no less than 15 classrooms. It felt more like a high school than a prestigious college. The classroom the test was to be taking place was room 420. The door was opened, and to a sudden shock, my classmates who I gave zero fucks about were right there taking the test already, with a different professor, which I had seen earlier making his way to the building. Logic dictates my professors probably couldn’t make it on time, so he asked this other one to substitute for him.

I opened the door, grabbed the test, put my notebook below my seat, and sat down to start taking the test in peace. After all the bullshit going around my own forsaken thoughts, I made it in one piece.

I was, however, hit with a bombshell of a revelation in the very first page of the test. Seven mathematical problems I had no idea how to resolve. What the fuck is this shit? You can’t be serious? How could I missed this was coming to the test? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Eight fucking hours in a mental condition that invites learning shit quickly and precisely and I didn’t find the time to learn that. I couldn’t believe my luck.

I saw the rest of the test, and I looked formidable. It was all answerable and easy. I did this part first hoping to calm my nerves and get my mind veered into a positive mode of thinking so I can do this test as fast as possible. I spent more than 30 minutes trying to figure out what the hell was I supposed to do with those problems. Nothing, blank as a pale dead man. It was useless to conjure up the answers, so I took the next logical step and answered them with random notes.

The test was finished. I got up from my seat and gave the test back, leaving that god forsaken place for at least two months.

On my way home I was doing some deep thinking, as the Adderall was still in my system but receding at a rapid pace. There’s a strong probability that I might not pass that test, and I was beginning to think about my future and what the fuck was I going to do for the rest of my life. Finances wasn’t what I thought it would be. The only class I actually did enjoy and went out of my way to study was ironically economics, but here I was failing that very same class. The only passionate interested that was beginning to take a hold of me was writing, about anything, when I wanted and how I wanted. Taking some courses in literature and journalism was the obvious next step, but for that I needed to make even more changes. It was becoming quite certain that this would be the path I would take in life. I will give little effort in some classes related to finances, and will instead focus much of my attention to reading and writing, hopefully to one day be really good at it and make a satisfied living with it.

All of the scenarios were being thoroughly analyzed on my way home. By the time I got to the gate, I realized I forgot my notebook. Shit, I really liked that notebook. I got inside my house, sat down for a while, and began to ponder even more. The saddest part of all this is that the commotion is far from over. I had to be awake at least for 15 more hours, and I ran out of Adderall. What will ensued would be complete and total chaos.

***

Around 9am, a friend came to my house because he needed help to study for a test he had at 1pm. Telling him I was going to help him around 2am when I reached maximum Adderall peak thinking the effects were going to last for well over 15 hours, I couldn’t say no simply because of the current condition I was in. He needed my help, and I always help out my friends regardless of my state.

He spent more than 3 hours getting ready himself. He took 15 milligrams of Adderall that I had given him two days before and he was off to the races. I, however, was transit and immovable. I was a fucking vegetable, unable to feel anything nor give a shit about anything. I was beginning to feel tired.

The Adderall was still in my system, but now it was doing the complete opposite of making me concentrate. My estimates are that I probably overdosed. My friend told me I was behaving like I was incredibly high on pot and my surroundings were a detriment to who I was. I stared blankly on the floor for hours, and even had a hard time contemplating even the idea of eating a meal. An abominable mess with no way to change for about three more hours, and even when the effects wear off I was going to be tired as fuck.

The deadline was approaching for my friend to go, until I had the dumbest idea that could’ve beseeched my brain under these conditions. I offered to take him to his tests with my car. Seriously? After all I’ve been through? It was at this moment that I realized that I was in fact as crazy as I thought I was, and he’s probably crazier because he actually said yes. I mean, I did wanted to get back my notebook, but to go the lengths of taking him there myself? Stupid.

There was nothing I could do now. I had already told him yes and he was already packing his things on my car. The entire day was full of bad decisions so it was kind of poetic I was to make another one. I told him to talk the entire time about interesting things we always liked to discussed about so that was I don’t lose myself in sleep, and luckily he did just that the entire way. Thanks to that we didn’t face any problems on both trips.

We reached the university by 1:30pm, 30 minutes late but still fine. He went to take his test and I went to the library to meet up with some friends and wait for him after I realized there place I left my notebook was locked. I waited for two fucking hours for my friend to finish a one hour test because the motherfucker had low blood pressure in the middle of the test and needed 20 minutes to cool off before continuing.

I spent one hour in the library and 45 minutes strolling around the university and all its little building. He got out of his test around 3:30pm, where I was already on the verge of a mental breakdown. We got out of there as quickly as possible and we returned home by 3:50pm so he could go elsewhere to run some errands. As for me, I still needed to be awake for 7 more hours because I had a shift from work at 7pm. Fantastic stuff.

I spent the rest of the day being consumed by books and reading, all to go along the loudest music any human can withhold for a period of 3 hours before taking off for work. I finished my shift without any accident or any mistake in terms of orders, so you could say I did pretty well pending the circumstances of me being illiterate, immovable, in emotional distress, and tired, with a big headache going around the side.

I got home at about 11pm and went straight to bed in one piece, with plenty of decisions to make about my future but all the time in the world to think them through, thus concluding one of the most fucked up days one could ever live.

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