I can’t... I just can’t... just...



I don’t even know how to be funny. I’m supposed to write something here that’s funny. I’m supposed to provide a humorous insight into a hugely popular television program using wit and words and things and I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN’T EVEN SEE THE COMPUTER SCREEN BECAUSE I’M CRYING AND SOBBING AND WEEPING.



F--- you, George R. R. Martin, you psycho. F--- you, HBO, you pimps of human emotion. F--- everyone. F--- it all, I can’t even. I hate you. I hate the world. I’m going to punch my own face through a window and then break some shit in my house. I hate everything.



Now I’m just going to go and throw up, but when I come back, we’re going to attempt to go over that whole f---ing mess in another Raven On Game of Thrones re ….(oh gross, I got hurl on my keyboard).



Reminder: spoilers will be included below. Only read on if you’ve seen the episode. We’re discovering the storyline through the TV series (reading the books after each has finished), so no dropping important future plot points in the comments, or … actually, what the hell. Spoil away. Whatever. See if I care. They’ve already torn out the larger of my two colons and used it to choke all the tears out of me. Just f--- it.

Episode 9: It’s a Nice Day for a Red Wedding

Hodor... (and Bran).

Well, it was all going well, wasn’t it?

Jon Snow had listened to his conscience and fled the Wildlings, leaving Ygritte in a steaming ginger rage; Bran worked out he has superpowers beyond mortal Wargs; Dany, Faabio and crew took Yunkai without even messing up their hairdos; and Bran farewelled Rickon to continue north of the Wall with the Reeds. Sam and Gilly made it to the Wall; Arya was a gnat’s gnob away from seeing her family again; and even Edmure Tully had been surprised when his contractually obligated Frey wife turned out to be a looker.



Yes, it was all going swimmingly... AND THEN THEY KILLED EVERYONE.



(I apologise, this is going to be a rather capslock-heavy recap.)



All that set-up, all the stuff near the Wall, the staged apology to Walder Frey’s daughters, even the little side trip to Yunkai - it was all a lure. It was all giving me a false sense of security that whatever the Big Bad was going to be, it wouldn’t be That Bad.



Even when the Hound was telling Arya that she had The Fear of losing her family even while she was so close... I still got suckered in.



By the time the penny dropped - around the same time Catelyn pinged - it was too late.



A hint had been dropped earlier when Brynden and Catelyn were discussing Roose Bolton’s wife, another Frey girl. He picked her because she was the fattest, and Walder would pay the most dowry for her. Bolton = cash lust. He let Jaime go because he feared the Lannisters... and knew where the cash was. Now he’s a traitor to his liege lord. TRAITOR. That bit where Catelyn pulled back his sleeve to reveal chain mail. My heart just broke. I spit in his stupid face.



Earlier than that, another hint had been dropped when Walder Frey said to Talisa “I can always tell what’s going on underneath a dress”. Why else would they go for her belly? Kill the heir, kill the spare.... and they’d just named it Eddard. Arghghgh.



And the wolf. They even shot Grey Wind. A beast of the North. I had hoped Arya would try to rescue and run away with him, but it was too late.



Oh and Arya, dear little Arya. Has that girl not been through enough? Could she not be allowed to see her family one last time? I know she couldn’t, of course, because then she’d be dead too, but that look on her face when she heard the voices of Northmen and thought she was safe, and then the Frey men attacked... oh gods, I just sobbed. Thank goodness for the Hound, knocking her out and spiriting her away.