Yes women need to be better protected in domestic violence, Mr. Clegg, but so do men

Abuse in relationships, whether physical or emotional, is a sickness in our society and we must do all we can to tackle it. Picture Posed by Model

Deputy PM Nick Clegg, who makes John Prescott - the man who formerly held the post - seem positively endearing and trustworthy, has suggested that we amend our approach to domestic violence.

Mr. Clegg believes that rather than dwell only on physical assault between so-called loving partners, we need to look at a bigger, and more complex, picture. And that would include the detrimental impact that bullying has on women.

In fact Nick wants to go further and see that such controlling behaviour is criminalised and the perpetrator penalised for his heinous actions.

Having been involved in such a relationship, many years ago, I can testify as to the very real toll that psychological abuse takes on a person, particularly when meted out by the one that they love.

Personally speaking, it breaks you down from the inside and you are left in a type of twilight world where you feel like an empty shell for much of the time, existing rather than living. Drained and weary and with confidence eroded to the point where the abuser assumes all control.

The problem, as many victims of domestic violence can testify, is that non-physical abuse is a great deal harder to detect and pinpoint than when someone has the physical battle scars of bruising or cuts. But it is very real nonetheless.

And having lived it, for several years to be precise, I realise that disentangling myself from it was so difficult because I didn't realise what was happening.

I was aware that something was wrong but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I only knew that I didn’t like the way my ex criticised me (from my work to my hair) and that I often felt a knot in the pit of my stomach when we were out together (fearful that he would say something undermining or humiliating in public such as the time he announced, very loudly, on a tube train: 'you really need to take up swimming again, you‘re porking out').

Equally, his telephone calls often left me feeling anxious and confused. Of what? I didn’t know but I did spend an inordinate amount of time in tears when we were together, that much was evident.

Conversely, the problem lay in the fact that he never physically harmed me - not so much as a pulling or a prodding - and so it took me time to realise that this was still abuse.

It was then I knew that the longer I stayed with him, in our cycle of verbal abuse and lavish making-up, the more dazed and confused I would be.

That day of my epiphany was the last time we were together. I left him and, despite all his tearful and pleading calls, I never returned.

The problem, as many victims of domestic violence can testify, is that non-physical abuse is a great deal harder to detect and pinpoint than physical abuse

So, I fully understand the need to address the issue of domestic violence as more than a physical matter - but here’s the problem. Why are we continuing to view DV as a uniquely gender-biased issue?

Here are the facts, although we don't know how this divides up in terms of men and women, but domestic violence is thought to account for one in five of all crimes of violence committed every year.

A Home Office action plan published in March of this year made 88 recommendations for changes to address and curb violence against women and girls. This would include domestic violence to be recognised in those under the age of 18.

All good stuff and I applaud it. Abuse in relationships, whether physical or emotional, is a sickness in our society and we must do all we can to tackle it effectively and without delay.

NSPCC poster revealing the effect domestic violence can have on children in the household

Particularly, when there are children in the home who are soaking up this behaviour like little emotional sponges and are winding up at 30 having to relieve all this trauma and sorrow on a psychiatrist’s couch.

That’s if they haven’t already started ape-ing the abuse themselves, either as a perpetrator or a victim. Which is so often the case as the pattern repeats itself.

But, and it has to be said, why in our so-called enlightened times are we continuing to act as if men are not also on the receiving end of vitriol and attack?

Why is Domestic Violence still portrayed as men as the abuser and women as the abused?

What is clear to me, juding by the abundance of help available to women from nationwide shelters and confidential hotlines and the lack of similar assistance for men, is that failing to recognise it as a real issue leaves us in a quagmire of inequality incapable of rectifying the wrongs.

Certainly, as many psychologists and empirical studies will confirm, men are notoriously more reluctant than women to report incidences of romantic abuse.

In the same way that many men still view mental illness as a weakness and to be seen as taboo for men, males still act as if they must be lacking something if they are on the receiving end of a harridan, particularly one that rains down blows on them.

And this, I believe is why. In my lifetime, 40-odd years of it, I have always known female on male violence to be a source of amusement and ridicule.

Rather than face it for the very real problem that it is, we have made light of it and depicted it in cartoon, Andy Capp-style, as the roller pin-waving harpie who drives her man to drink. Oh how we have laughed. Shame on us.

It is because of this very reductionist approach to male abuse that too many men have found themselves in a position where they are frightened and unhappy and don't know where to turn for fear of being labelled 'sissy' or 'wimp'.

While this continues to occur, and we fail to take action, we send out a message to society - and those coming after us - that female on male abuse is less damaging and more acceptable than when it happens in reverse.

Of course it is not, and we are all failed by assuming that it is, but it will take a strong leader to stand up and call for more equality when it comes to tackling the many complexities of domestic violence.

Whether Nick Clegg is the man to do it remains to be seen. Judging by his performances so far in government, I worry that we may yet endure many more years where men are afraid to show the scars of their torment for fear of being seen as inadequate.

And that, frankly, betrays us all.