At last, Donald Trump has chosen his understudy for the baroque, jaw-droppingly idiotic drama that is about to unfold for the next four months of so-called democracy: Indiana governor Mike Pence.

And what is a presidential campaign without a cool logo? Our sitting president, Barack Obama, changed the logo game back in 2008 – making him less a candidate and more a newfangled flavor of soda pop.

Hillary Clinton took Obama’s lead and stuck an arrow into the letter H, thereby leading the United States forward. Or signaling a right turn; I’m not sure.

Until now, Trump has taken a far more minimalist approach. He’s used his last name, which has a long history of standing in for any graphic design flourishes. His face also works, too. Why bother with any design elements when you have an orange pitchman with a haircut that looks like a cartoon dog took a nap on his head?

Well, this is big-time politics in 2016, not the low-end frozen steak market. A candidate must have a logo. Trump/Pence came up with a doozy.

Let’s break down the elements here, so that we can get a better sense of what Trump was after. The first thing you notice is that it’s hideous. Is that a flag? A barcode on a package of Cheez-Its? A postage stamp? Are you aware that “TP” is a common abbreviation for toilet paper? If so, you can’t work for the Trump/Pence campaign, since only doofuses that don’t know that need apply.



The second thing you notice is that it’s lazy. “Let’s see,” the campaign team must have said, “we need an American flag in here, right? Plus, we need something unique, since it can’t just be an American flag. We have to trademark this so we can sell T-shirts, coffee mugs and armbands. How about we just stick the two letters together like a baseball team logo?”

Ignore the fact that these two letters don’t go together at all in any logical fashion. Just shove the T way deep down inside the P.

I know what you’re saying right now. That statement sounds very sexual. You don’t want to put your T inside that P for any reason.

Look at it go in and out, slowly, intently, but with passion. I’m sure Trump doesn’t want to conjure up images of a coital embrace with his running mate, but it’s unavoidable now. I can’t unsee it. I can only hope to get used to it, as it has now wiped all other sexual thoughts from my brain. In fact, this fantasy has now rounded up all of my other sexual fantasies and sent them back to where they came from “until we can figure out what the hell is going on”.

I think we can all finally disabuse ourselves of the notion that Donald Trump is a capable fascist once and for all. Competent right-wing groups have effective graphic design. Donald Trump has crapped out some logo porn. Where are the majestic eagles? Fascists love eagles almost as much as regular Americans do.

Trump/Pence has no arrows, no wreaths – nothing. Just two letters having sex over and over and over again. Can we elect a man who willingly exposes children to this kind of filth? Is he fit to lead?

The answer is obviously no, but I’m willing to give him another chance. This is almost as bad as the time he posed in front of a wall full of garbage, but he soldiered on then, didn’t he?

Time for a logo do-over. Might I suggest the person who designed the Airbnb logo? They seem to have a really good idea how to get their message across to the public. I’d even go so far as to say that they’re not just perfect for your campaign, they’ve captured your very essence. You’re welcome.