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What happened in court, half-ass ass-rithmetic, the tyranny of the suggestion box, my theory of aiming, for whom the system works, top billing, a breakdown of the Asterios/WarOfTheFanBoys fight, Katherine the cat girl, how debt makes you a child, several chewings out, stepping in water with your socks, hearing the lamentations of their women, the world’s greatest hero, and the evil Rod Serling; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

It’s a weird feeling when the internet spills into real life and shits all over it. Most of the time, that weird feeling is terrible and awkward like a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond–except that cat is actually a woman pretending to be a cat. That feeling is called Tinder; expectation and reality being forced together in your brain like similarly charged magnets both sharing the same polarization of what the fuck was I thinking? And they don’t start making sense the closer you get them. Usually, that feeling is called Tinder, but sometimes it’s called getting a restraining order.

In this episode, I tell the story of the time 80s girl had to get a restraining order against Mental Jess for calling her job and trying to get her fired. Mental Jess admitted to the calling in court. I guess if you’re every type of stupid combined like in inbred Captain Planet hailing from Dumbfuckistan, you can believe it was for any other reason, but it wouldn’t matter. Much like this show, in court everything is a contest, and this contest is over. I thought this story would be a lot funnier to tell than it was, but that’s probably because I wasn’t drunk when I told it this time. I guess the moral is, you really can’t win em all. You can only win a hell of a lot of them. But first…

“I now know what it would look like if a giant toddler fought a Holocaust prisoner.” – Anarchist_Bunny “Wasn’t bum fights deemed illegal?﻿” -BretFargo “My attraction toward Asterios has gone up 5%. From 0% to 5%.” -Tess Lynch

Wow! That’s what people are saying about the the 3AM, unlicensed, Internet spill-over boxing match/shit-show between Asterios and WarOfTheFanBoys that took place in an all-night UFC gym in Long Island, NY ten hours after their heated conversation on last week’s show! You’ve all seen it–12,000 people have seen it to be precise. And if you thought the match was sloppy, wait until you hear this wrap up! Asterios, in the middle of training for the rematch, calls in from a bread store and WarOfTheFanBoys calls in while disciplining his cat-girl waifu as per usual. Many mysteries were left unsolved, but amidst the chaos, we did attempt to score the fight.

Officially declared a draw both by the fighters themselves and by my scoring, that didn’t stop Barry MacCaulkiner, a man who’s taken his share of blows if you’ve been paying attention to the bonus episodes of the show, from doing the world a favor and counting all the rule violations in this boxing match of the century. You can read Barry’s big list of big fouls here. By my count, the final tally is Asterios by a mile: 20 to 10.

While Asterios was certainly the power-puncher in this dynamic, some might say wildly-mismatched battle, it remains to be seen which one of these fierce competitors and shit-posters can last until a round that is divisible by more than one and itself. Here is the fight below if you’d like to compare it to Knock-Out Barry’s foul-analysis above.

Once again, thank you to Kian Magaña of the Goldstein Law Group. If you’re going to court, get a lawyer. Email the one who saved my ass at [email protected]. What else can I say, the guy is a hero.

Cinematic Dick Show Theme by Alex Walker Smith



An honorable thumbnail by Clay Burton presiding.



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