Regardless of what adages may tell you, love is neither patient nor kind. Love has the fickle temperament of a child and the ability to breed insanity. In a best case scenario, love will manifest itself as an inextricable bond between husband and wife, but it's also just as likely to take the form of a stranger in a skeleton mask, circling your house waiting for you to fall asleep so it can smell your hair.

"Good morning. I left you a gift."

I know all this because I recently received many letters which I assume to be written out of full-blown, if somewhat misguided, affection. They are all beautiful and as unique as fingerprints, save the common theme of my torture/murder and their complete lack of literal fingerprints. And while I am touched by this visceral outpouring of emotion in each, the editor inside me couldn't help but notice a few flaws in the execution.

Now, there are guides available for writing letters with the intent of gradually earning the love of another person, but there are a limited few on writing letters threatening to take it. I have created a step by step tutorial to constructing the perfect death threat, coupled with helpful dos and don'ts selected right out of real letters I've received. It's time we stop thinking of love as a simple flame, when it is more apt to think of it is a raging tire fire that spits out toxic smoke, burns forever, and most importantly, threatens to kill anyone in proximity.