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I welcome our new Pepe overlords, peace and understanding in riots, Madcucks pitches his wares and doubles down for 2020, the Rage Board finally gets some rules, getting out of cars slowly, nightmares my face has caused, subscription personalities, how to win at identity politics, the future of Lettuce Jones, “People of Color”, a drinking pass for Thanksgiving, taking this rage on the road, and Sean asks how to spell “Layc Looney”, but why? All that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Once upon a time, I met a man running for President of the United States of America. Everyone laughed at him, but I looked him right in the eye and I told him he had to win. He gave me an affirmative nod, and then he did. Then I gave a drunken TV interview on the local news about it. It’s a Norman Rockwellian story, a slice of Americana that I’ll tell to my grandchildren one day–or more honestly my sister’s grandchildren, while we’re sitting atop a big beautiful wall that has a big beautiful door in it that protects our nuclear-irradiated hellscape from their nuclear-irradiated hellscape in a post-Trumpocalyptic America, like Humpty Dumpty’s id in some kind of fucked dystopian anime.

“But what did your book taste like, Uncle Dick, you fat, fucked asshole?” The children will ask because kids will be extremely foul-mouthed in the future, and degenerate.

“I don’t know, my little cucks. I don’t know what my book tastes like, because I never had to eat it. Someone else did. But that’s a story for another time…”

Everyone is scrambling to figure out how the woman America loved to cringe over was beaten by a guy who set a Guinness World Record for longest stand-up comedy routine at 14 months and counting. I briefly stick my dick into that Kool-Aid without knowing the flavor with the following contribution: telling people who disagree with you they’re racist and sexist and stupid just isn’t very funny. It may be a good way to argue, but no one voted for elementary school president because they argued the best, they voted for whoever gave the funniest speech. Nothing has changed. Someone should have shown Hillary Clinton an episode of Married with Children last year and said, “Actually, Mrs Clinton, Mrs. Darcy is the unlikeable character in this show. People want her to lose.” But hindsight is 2020.

If your candidate didn’t win, I’m sorry, but it’s going to be okay. If it’s not okay, I’ll eat my book.

Speaking of 2020, Madcucks calls in to promote his latest video and to demonstrate for us the next chapter in his new hit book, “The Alphabet of Socially Conscious Like-Minded, Gender Neutral, Forward Thinking, Optimists”, D for Doubling Down on Fuckface Donald Trump. Madcucks also declares his own intention to run for the 2016 presidential race and, just in case it’s too late, throws his support behind the only socially conscious, YouTube friendly choice for 2020. I have only this to say about it.

And Madcucks’ new video:



Then, the Rage Board finally gets some rules when a listener I ripped off calls in to test his mettle against the likes of Asterios and David Clegg; Hayden Blaise with Facebook Vanity Shots. Is he right? Is it a rage when people spend way too time elaborately staging photos to impress their friends with a false sense of “effortless” beauty and depth? Let he who has never taken a second picture with a puppy because his face looked “too goddamn fat, Jesus Christ why did I drink so much” cast the first stone.

Nick Mahaffey and a band of not-so-merry DickHeads calling themselves the Cuck Sockers drop their single “Welcome to the Dick Show”. It’s so metal my hair burst out of my man bun as soon as it started playing. Go ahead and watch the video on The Dick Show Patreon if you don’t believe me. Check out the Cuck Sockers on Bandcamp for more HIGH ENERGY metal for this brave new world of tolerant ultra-violence and peaceful mayhem. If this song doesn’t knock your dick completely off, I’ll eat my book.

Welcome to the Dick Show by Cuck Sockers

Dustin Siniawa calls in with some questions for the Coach and I, news from the DickHeads on Facebook, and a big announcement. A fan is about to learn a valuable lesson about Facebooking on tilt and writing checks with your mouth, that your ass has to cash–by proxy of your mouth. Possibly high on polling data, listener Narc Zuckerberg got a little hot in his pants last week and announced in The Dick Show group on Facebook that if Trump won the election, he would eat my book. Will it happen? If it doesn’t, I’ll eat my book.

Until then, here is waut3rboi’s alternate Trump Won Dick Show Theme.



A sick, ass-thumping EDM outro remix by Bee Tee Beats.



And as always, an gloaterrific thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.

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