As the good Councillor Cooke pointed out yesterday, the Minister for the Prevention of Health (Simon Burns – we can but hope) has declared Electrofags as evil and so they must come under Government control. Just like everything else.

Today, the Daily Aneurysm takes up the story, in a block of text so heavily laden with lies it’s a wonder it doesn’t slide down the screen.

Let’s be clear on this. There is ‘being mistaken’ and there is ‘lying’ and they are two very different things. The antismoking lot are not ‘being mistaken’. They are lying. When they say this about how smokers see Electrofag –

They trick them into thinking they are smoking an ordinary cigarette by releasing nicotine and certain other vapours.

– they are lying. Nobody is tricked into anything. You don’t charge up a battery, add a pad and heater, take a puff without using a lighter, and some time later think ‘Dearie me, I thought I had a real one there.’ We are not as stupid as the antismokers like to pretend, but it suits me to allow their drones to believe it.

But at present the devices – which are all imported from China – do not have to undergo any safety checks before being put on sale in high street chemists.

Oh really? There are no checks on lithium battery safety anywhere along the line then? Nobody has looked at the ingredients?

Ministers are concerned that some brands may contain very high levels of nicotine – the addictive substance in cigarettes has also been linked to cancer.

This is an absolute lie – but it’s one I am happy to perpetuate because it’s fun to watch the drones cringe. There are chemicals in smoke – any smoke – that have been classed as carcinogenic in high enough doses at one time. Nicotine is not one of them. The only thing nicotine has been linked to is vitamin B3 and the prevention of pellagra. It causes nothing at all unless you take it in insane quantities. Electrofag, as anyone with even a few functioning brain cells knows, burns nothing and produces no smoke. Only steam.

And do these morons truly believe that the Electrofag companies are putting in more nicotine than they say? Really? They are giving away the most expensive part of their formulation for free? The nicotine level in Electrofags is written on the packets. Mostly I preferred to buy the most concentrated and use it less often – or even dilute it with propylene glycol, which is very cheap.

There is also evidence that certain types of ‘e-cigs’ have high levels of poisonous chemicals.

No. There isn’t any such evidence other than in the twisted minds of the Baccy Nazis. This is not a mistake by the reporter. This is a lie.

These include ‘tobacco-specific nitrosamines’ – a substance given off by nicotine – which has been shown to cause cancer in rats.

No. Nitrosamines come from the burning leaf material, not nicotine, and even if they did, the nicotine in Electrofag is not burned. ‘Vapourising’ and ‘burning’ are incredibly different chemical processes, as everyone who left school before the Great Socialist De-education programme will understand. Not a mistake by the proponents of this crap. A lie.

Certain brands have also been found to contain Diethylene glycol, a poisonous chemical which is fatal in exceptionally high doses.

(sigh) It’s propylene glycol, you utter cretins, and it’s a food grade thickening agent used in all sorts of your ‘natural’ foods.

Health minister Simon Burns said: ‘The available data suggest that there can be great variability in the content of electronic cigarettes, both in the amount of nicotine present and also in relation to other potentially toxic substances.

If you live in Simpleton Burns’ constituency and are thinking of voting for him next time, do us all a favour and burn your voting card. I would not employ this half-wit to clean my lab. He is unsafe near anything scientific. I would not trust him to add sodium chloride and acetic acid to my deep-fried potato slivers.

Variability? Of course there is, you dick. That is the point. You can choose flavours, nicotine strengths, even zero nicotine if you want. That variation is why the things sell so well.

I see now why all that chemistry teaching had to be diluted to homeopathic levels in schools and, increasingly, in universities. Any sixteen-year-old with a C grade pass in the old O level chemistry could rip this nonsense apart in a second. If Gove thinks he’s going to be allowed to put real education back, he can forget it. All of his mates would be a laughing stock after the first day of lessons.

Don’t think the drones will fall for it? I’ll let Sarah, London’s premiere village idiot, explain:

Why should I have to be subjected to people smoking these if they are more dangerous than the real thing? I complained the other day to somebody smoking one in an internet cafe – he admitted it did contain nicotine, so if they do contain nicotine, how come people can smoke them in internet cafes, enclosed spaces, airports, etc. – Sarah, London, 05/8/2012 19:26

See that? They are, in what passes for a mind in Sarah’s pointy little head, already more dangerous than the real thing. Haaaahahahaha. My small collection of totally harmless Electrofags are now highly potent weapons and despite not having bothered much with them lately, I am now charging them up. There’s loads of juice still here. I have a hankering to try the absinthe flavour again.

Sarah, poor, simple Sarah, also believes that nicotine is deadly. Therefore it is my civic duty to print up small sticky labels saying ‘Vitamin B3 is derived from nicotine’ and sneak them onto vitamin bottles in the shops. I mean, the poor, poor dears are taking these pills, oblivious to their origins. Surely that cannot be right? I must, heroically, step in and inform them.

It is the right thing to do for hard-moaning families.

Vapers, don’t deny it to the weak-minded you will meet. There’s no point anyway, their brains are still on CP/M and can only display one line of text at a time. Complex arguments are simply deleted by the drunken numskulls who live in their heads (you have to be pretty old to get that reference).

Scare them with it. Remember, no laughing, and no raising of the voice. Slow, gentle, calm, persuasive. Describe symptoms to them – chest tightening and itching are the easiest to induce to start with. Itching on the scalp, wrists and ankles (caused, you will tell them, by poor circulation becasue the nicotine is slowing their hearts). With practice, you can immobilise a limb just by talking about it.

I haven’t managed to make one of them actually drop dead. Well, not as far as I know anyway, I have no idea how long the effects last after I’ve parted company with them and frankly I don’t give a damn. They denormalised me, I didn’t ask to be a monster but having been assigned the role, I feel obliged to fulfil that role to the utmost.

I think I’m getting pretty good at it.