For the man in your life with a cold penis here is a specialty knit product designed to keep his manhood snuggly. Comes in “hunter red” color so you know it’s masculine. “It’s a heater for your Peter!”

Keep your dick company with 15 plastic dicks filled with alcohol! It’s a party outside your pants!

If you truly care about your dick, you’d want this book to place nonchalantly on your coffee table so that people in your life are aware of your monster schlong.

This toaster looks like any other toaster but burns an image of a penis into your toast. Serve it to your friends or that special lady in your life. Pro tip: women love it when you have cookware like this, extra points if you get creative with the placing of butter on the toast.

Ever get that “not so fresh” feeling? Here’s a product the penis owner on the go.

I think this is a toy you stick your dick inside.

My biggest complain about this product is that its name is not stylized as “XXXtreme.”

The ad boasts “great vein structure” so these seem like premium fake balls. Possible uses: putting outside your pants and then zipping it up and running out of the bathroom in order to convince your friend you zipped your penis off.

It’s Always Sunny fans and ex fraternity guys alike will love this towel that makes it look like you are naked and have a huge schlong.

If your penis is small, you can apparently wear a dildo tip during intercourse. Sexy.

I’m scared, actually.

A Thought Catalog book for people with dicks and people interested in people with dicks.

The perfect gift to give your girlfriend on a very special occasion. Present on bended knee in a small box. She’ll think you are proposing and it will be HILLARIOUS.

Suddenly your gym seems ill equipped for the type of exercises that really matter.

The penis part of this costume unzips so you can store two cans of beer in there. I suggest a Bud Light Lime for you and a Cranberita for your lady.

I googled “what is a penis sheath” after reading the extremely unhelpful product description and apparently a penis sheath is another way of saying foreskin so I’m not sure what this cloth accessory is for. I think it’s for guys who have a giant bulge and are trying to be modest.

Okay, this is in all sincerity really cool. Imagine being at the bar wooing girls to come home with the promise of showing them your 4-d penis model. Seems slick.

It’s only $0.99, what could possibly go wrong?

It looks like regular lipstick but it’s shaped like a penis. It’s funny because you put it on your mouth.