TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism.

“We graciously asked them to leave their territory whenever they had the chance,” said Sgt. Greg Donahue of the OPP. “We didn’t want to be rude by immediately using force. It’s more courteous to threaten first.”

For two weeks, the OPP refrained from removing members of a community that has resisted colonization for over 400 years to allow them to consider the merits of subjugation and assimilation.

“Frankly, they weren’t being very nice when we gently reminded them that their sovereignty was illegitimate and they needed to bow to the supremacy of their colonizer’s law or else,” said another police officer. “We said please and apologized for what we wanted them to do. How much more Canadian can we get?”

Before making their arrests, OPP members graciously acknowledged that they were on the traditional lands of the Haudenosaunee and Anishinaabe Peoples.

At press time, the provincial and federal governments continued its policy of reconciliation by handcuffs.