As a teenage girl living with some real deep dysphoria, I took up an air of digging alternative dude music to prove a point about my gender transgression. I hadn’t figured out I was trans yet, and knowing that wouldn’t have changed the fact that there weren’t many trans role models in the early 2000s for me to look to anyway. Attaching myself to bands like Death Cab for Cutie and the Shins seemed like the line of best fit.

Something about the pop music my female friends listened to had always felt enforced, like I was expected to like it because it was mainstream and I was a girl. But I also couldn’t deny that what brought me true joy in this era was blasting Top 40 radio while driving around rural upstate New York. I felt a twinge of those moments the first time I heard a Kim Petras song, a sensation that only intensified with the release of her most recent single, “Heart to Break,” on Valentine’s Day. This gravitational pull towards her music is only heightened by the fact that, just like me, Petras is transgender.

I fell in love with the lightness and total danceability within Petras’ small handful of singles (and her cameo on Charli XCX’s “Unlock It”) in a time that feels increasingly heavy with political turmoil, especially for trans folks. But, as I dug deeper into the world of Petras, I was forced to grapple with some of the decisions she’s made. My affection for her music has been mired, as most things are these days, with a question of politics.

The German-born 25-year-old first entered the international spotlight in 2009 after becoming one of the youngest people to ever undergo gender confirmation surgery at age 16. She had been sharing her story for several years at that point, including a German TV series that documented her transition. From the outset of Petras’ career, being transgender was at the forefront of her public image. But music has always been her greatest passion—what she wants to be known for. Finally, after years of start-stop momentum as both a behind-the-scenes songwriter and a solo artist, Petras scored a viral hit last summer with “I Don’t Want It At All,” a sugary sweet bop that extols the thrills of making boys pay for all your fancy stuff.

Hearing the song’s Katy Perry–esque sheen, perhaps it comes as little surprise that one of the producers behind “I Don’t Want It At All” (as well as other recent Petras singles) is Dr. Luke. But considering he’s been the subject of high-profile allegations of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse by Kesha, Dr. Luke’s affiliation with Petras did legitimately shock me. To make matters worse, she has been somewhat dismissive about the concerns that have been raised regarding her producer. “I would like my fans to know that I wouldn’t work with somebody I believe to be an abuser of women, definitely not,” Petras told NME, suggesting that she’s sided with Dr. Luke on the issue—in the era of #MeToo no less. As a survivor who has never not teared up during the high note of Kesha’s “Praying,” my heart sank reading her vague defense.