Sometimes in life, you’ll encounter things you don’t want to face. This may be at work, in your relationship, with a member of your family or a neighbour. It may be a situation, a question, the result of someone else’s mistake, or simply that it’s a Monday morning in February 2013 and you’ve just realised that you hate your life. Just for instance.

Winston has been thinking up some solutions so – if you’ve had a crap work week, a crap week at home, or just a crap week in general, this blog is for you.

Option 1: Tune it all out

Assume a horizontal position wherever you are and pretend to be doing advanced Yoga. Really, you’re either taking a nap and waiting for the stress to decrease, or hoping that anyone flying at you with unreasonable demands will have buggered off by the time you ‘awake’.

While you’re in the position, go to your happy place, mentally order a beer and kick back. The time you invest in mentally chilling out will reap dividends in finding solutions to your perceived problems. A stressed mind does no one any favours.

Option 2: Get shit-faced (British terminology meaning ‘drunk’)

Pretend to be drunk. Or be drunk. The first forces people to respond to you as they would a toddler, or Labrador. The second will probably lead to someone suggesting you sober up first before you can handle whatever it is they’ve asked of you. This buys you time, and enables you to sing/shout unselfconsciously about your woes in public places if you so choose, thereby releasing stress.

Option 3: Do whatever Winston Churchill would have done

Did he panic when Nazis bombed Britain? No.

Did he look at Hitler and cry because he was scared by the tache-wearing bastard? No.

Did he run away at the height of World War II going ‘Oh my God I’m freaking out! This shit beyond me!’? No.

So, remember Winston Churchill’s advice, when life takes an unexpected turn: KBO – Keep Buggering On.

Option 4: You’re only you if you say you’re you

Pretend that you aren’t you. People will either disbelieve you but assume you’re having a mental episode, thereby giving you space to deal with whatever shit has hit. Or, they’ll believe you, thereby giving you space to deal with whatever shit has hit.

Option 5: Get angry, 1970s style

Even though it isn’t politically correct to be angry anymore, (or to smoke or to scratch your groin in public), anger can be your friend. In the 1970s, you couldn’t have a decent cop movie without someone getting REALLY angry. And more often than not, it really paid off.

Anger is like hair colour – you have to get it right for it to work.

If you go the anger route, throw a real tantrum, and ham it up as much as possible. Don’t tell people you’re angry; show people you’re angry. You only live once.

Er, Winston, you need to be angrier…can you do that? I want to see tiger paws…

Er. Yeah. I keep forgetting you don’t have claws…okay forget it. Anyway, angrier is good. You’ll scare people away, giving yourself time to think. You may even get a reputation for it, in which case, you’ll be pretty much left alone for the rest of your natural life. Result.

Option 6: Don Corleone knew what he was doing

Impersonate a gangster. It puts off idiots with annoying questions, and will instantly show who’s in charge of the situation. More importantly, it forces people to stop and think which film or character you are referencing. By the time they’ve got it, you’re out of there.

And yes, ordering hits on people is illegal in each of the Earth’s 196 nations (yes, I included Monaco. I know it’s a few hotels and a Grand Prix track with a nice beach, but they get tetchy if they’re not called a nation).

Option 7: Your arse is a natural resource

The ‘talk to my arse’ approach is, always, the last resort. It should never be used against frail or elderly relatives, or impressionable youngsters. Once deployed, is a very difficult position to back down from. However, if everything else fails, you may feel it’s entirely justified. Acceptable situations for deployment may include:

Daily Life

Traffic warden: “..tough shit. I’m giving you this ticket anyway.”

You: “talk to my (big/black/white/fat/tight) arse.”

Politics

Member of Parliament: “How do you respond to the question that you used parliamentary expenses to buy yourself six Ferraris and a prostitute?”

You: “talk to my (I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-you-or-the-nation-thinks-and-it-was-more-than-one-prostitute) arse.”

Musicals

Captain von Trapp: “The children tell me you’ve taught them a new phrase. What was it?”

You: “talk to my (you-don’t-pay-me-enough-for-this-shit) arse.”

Left-field

Enquirer: “In the absence of your head, what should we talk to?”

You: “Just talk to my arse.”*

You get the gist. If you decide to go this route, deploy the gesture with as much theatrical panache as possible.

HAVE A BETTER WEEK.

*Please note – the opinions expressed here are not advice.