So you’re feeling testy, pent up, or otherwise bored, and think it could be fun to create conflict out of thin air with your unsuspecting significant other. Getting the person you love most angry and upset is a good idea, and you should do it – but how? Use these tips to pick a random fight with your partner and then cry because you’re fighting with your partner.

Think of it as a game.

Think of this as a game that you are going to win and subsequently feel the positive emotions associated with winning. Fighting is dramatic and fun! This is your big chance to say anything you want with absolutely no consequences, which leads us to…

Do not prepare for your partner’s response.

This fight you decided to start is more of a dream than a genuine interaction that affects another human. Excavate your subconscious by simply saying whatever; drop shit just to see how it breaks. Whatever you do, don’t consider the fact that hurling insults at your partner may a) make them cry and/or b) make them say critical things back to you, both of which are guaranteed to have you weeping within moments!

Bring up the past.

Bring up the past for no reason other than knowing that you’re not supposed to.

Keep waiting for the catharsis to begin.

Telling your partner everything that’s bothered you about them for the last three years was supposed to feel good, and yet you’re both crying (a display of negative emotion associated with losing). So far, hurting someone you care about with no productive or communicative goal in mind has felt sort of “bad”, but you have to push through and remember you’ll achieve your cathartic break at any moment. Go ahead and say one more super off-limits remark. Rasping something terrible about your partner’s family through shuddering sobs is eventually going to give you what experts call a “runner’s high”. You chose this!

At this point, you’re likely tuckered out from emotional pain, but unfortunately, you lost control of the situation as soon as it began. You can start apologizing now, or maybe just pretend to fall asleep. Good luck, and remember: Next time will be totally different!