Category is: SNATCH GAME!

After the top-four ball challenge, Snatch Game is my favorite challenge of every season. It's absolutely one of the hardest challenges, but when well-executed, it has set the scene for some of the best moments in RuPaul's Drag Race history. At Season Five, it's also a level proving ground: this is the challenge that everybody knows is coming, and if a queen doesn't have her character down before even coming to Los Angeles, that's on her.

Which made some of the weak performances last night genuinely startling. But I'm ahead of myself!

"For this shot, let's set the camera chest-high, and make sure to frame it around the RuPaul baby crotch."

Did you know that the word "winnow" originally referred to the process of separating wheat from chaff? The queens are breathless from the double-elimination winnowing, but if they have opinions on whether Vivienne and Honey deserved to sashay, they aren't aired. Instead, we foreshadow the drama du jour: a slow-boil tension from Jinkx, and the noisier ongoing feud among Alyssa, Coco, and Jade. Unfortunately, it sets the tone for the episode, which (combined with Untucked) is painfully rife with jackassery.

But not just yet. Roll credits! Rolaskatox! SheMail!

(By the way, I'm rescinding my earlier denunciation of Rolaskatox. I presumed it would turn into a clique situation, but by now we've seen Alaska and Detox, at least, have plenty of sweet moments with the other queens. I continue to wait for Roxxxy to win me over, but at this point, Rolaskatox is a force of net-good in the werkroom.)

I'm still smitten with how RuPaul has painted for this season's SheMail. Those eyes are everything.

RuPaul has sent an intern to Walgreens with ninety bucks and marching orders to come back with a mini-challenge, and what we get are Snuggies On Parade. It's cute! (Were the pink Snuggies six sizes larger than the zebra and leopard ones? The queens in pink could have reupholstered the werkroom columns with their creations.)

For the first time in RuPaul's Drag Race history, the prize for the Snatch Game mini-challenge isn't a phone call home: instead, Detox, Roxxxy, and Alyssa win US Weekly gifting-suite leftovers. Nobody has a chance to pout, though, because RuPaul announces that it's time to play the Snatch Game!

The queens dive into preparation, exchanging notes on their characters. Detox is confident in her Ke$ha, as is Roxxxy in her Tamar Braxton and Coco in her Janet Jackson. Alaska's plan for Lady Bunny suddenly feels like a big swing, with Ivy's recent Lady Bunny in the No RuPaulogies ballet, but she decides to go forward anyway. Jinkx is confident in her choice of Little Edie--the character is perfect, for both the Snatch Game and Jinkx personally--but several queens aren't familiar with Little Edie, and we catch Roxxxy being weirdly shitty about Jinkx's character choice.

In Roxxxy's defense: this was said facing away from the camera, under her breath, and in Spanish.

RuPaul joins the queens for the werkroom walkthrough, coasting up to Ivy Winters. This exchange happens:

RuPaul: How are you going to make Marilyn Monroe funny?

Ivy: That's a good question!

Me: *audible whimpering*

RuPaul next talks to Alaska, challenging her to be funnier than Lady Bunny. (Nota bene: if you're not following Lady Bunny on Twitter, you should be. She is a delight.) RuPaul gives Detox and Jinkx two bits of universally-applicable, sage Snatch Game advice: don't be too reverential, and make sure you're funny even if the audience doesn't know your character.

Lineysha's visit with RuPaul draws attention from Alyssa, Detox, and Roxxxy, who watch in the mirror as Lineysha flounders. Lineysha knows she'd nail a Michelle Obama lookalike, but the question of whether the character-impersonation is possible leaves her doubting the choice of First Lady. She entertains the idea of switching to Celia Cruz. Alyssa, too, is having second thoughts about playing Katy Perry, and considers switching to Kim Zolciak. Nobody suggests the synergistic solution to both their problems: Alyssa as Kim, and Lineysha as NeNe Leakes, assuming Alyssa can teach her NeNe in the next hour. This exchange happens:

Lineysha: What do you think? This? Or Celia?

Detox: Do you know enough about Michelle Obama to make it funny?

Lineysha: No.

Detox: Do you know enough about Celia Cruz?

Lineysha: *audible whimpering*

Me: *audible whimpering*

Too late. Time to play the Snatch Game! We're joined by Julie Brown and Downtown Julie Brown, both of whom are absolute treats.

I've read many opinions claiming that this was "the worst Snatch Game ever." I don't think that's a fair claim, but there were several moments that fell flat. We find ourselves watching RuPaul doing his best to help the girls, lobbing jokes like underhand softballs, and when the girls still aren't connecting, he's setting up the Wiffle Ball tee and guiding the queens' hands around the bat. It doesn't help.

RuPaul: Now, you're into politics, aren't you?

Ivy, as Marilyn Monroe: ...

RuPaul: Presidents, and ...?

Ivy: ...

Me: *audible whimpering*

Go have some orange slices and a Capri Sun, baby girl.

Jinkx picked up the interception on that joke, one of several pitch-perfect moments she had in this Snatch Game. I promise I'm going somewhere with this: in Tina Fey's amazing memoir Bossypants (have you read Bossypants? No? Stop reading my bullshit and go read Bossypants right now. I'll be here when you get back), she wrote this, about writing the script for her impersonation of Sarah Palin:

We knew there were certain tricks we could employ. Whatever sounds are helpful to the impression, you use as many of them as possible in the writing. For Palin it was a lot of "hard R's." Words like "reporters and commentators." Words you can't say, you avoid. For example, I've never been able to figure out how she says "Todd."

Which is to say: Jinkx Monsoon lilting "The lay-bel is fay-ded" is a single-moment masterclass in the creation of an impersonation. It was like watching the Snatch Game with ...well, eight drag queens and a professional-actor-cum-drag-queen.

While Jinkx won the Snatch Game handily, Alaska's Lady Bunny and Roxxxy's Tamar Braxton were the other highlights. All three followed that number-one rule of Snatch Game I mentioned before: it has to be entertaining regardless of whether the audience knows your character. Every year, there are at least a few Snatch Game characters whose impersonations I can't judge for accuracy, even if I know the celebrity--i.e., I know Janet Jackson's greatest hits, but I'm less familiar with her conversational mannerisms and idiosyncracies. In the same vein, I can't judge whether Roxxxy was an accurate Tamar Braxton, but she was funny, and that's what matters. I know exactly who Lady Bunny is, but Alaska's crude-yet-charming interpretation was sold by her balls-out answers, and you didn't have to know whether her voice was correct to be delighted by her performance.

Since the Season Five cast list was announced, many people (me included) crossed our fingers that Jade would choose Taylor Swift for the Snatch Game. It was always obvious: like Little Edie for Jinkx, it's both a great Snatch Game pick in general and a perfect personal match for Jade. It could have been a home run in the vein of Tatianna's lovable Britney, had she given wittier answers and really played up Taylor Swift's celebrity boyfriends and Kanye trouble (nb, to her credit: "We Are Never Getting Back Together" was released after this was filmed). However, her so-happy-to-be-here giggles and big smile were plenty for safety.

I liked Detox's Ke$ha more than the judges did, and this performance isn't what landed her in the bottom two. (More on that later.) Detox played Ke$ha like the trainwreck she is, and when Julie Brown said she "just came off as annoying skank," it shouldn't have been a criticism, because that's what you get from Ke$ha, right? Also, peeing on the floor was hilarious.

As to Coco's performance, please recall this exchange, and allow me to paint a vignette for you.

Little Edie: Ru, may I ask you, why you couldn't have gotten any real celebrities for this game?

RuPaul: Well...

Little Edie: I don't have a single idea who any of these people are! You could have got Leslie Caron, or Audrey Hepburn, or any one of them. Instead, you got Ketchup--

Ke$ha: Ketchup?

Little Edie: And that must be Janice Jickson?

Janet Jackson: Can I ask you a question, Ru? What's a "Little Edie?"

RuPaul: Little Edie is a star of a movie, Grey Gardens.

Janet Jackson: Okay, well, she's not that little.

The scene: Real life. My house. I'm sitting on the couch with my friend Peter, cuddling our dogs, pint glasses of vodka close at hand (because if RuPaul's Drag Race has taught me anything, it's that a pint glass is an appropriate vessel for serving vodka). Coco asks, "What's a Little Edie? She's not that little." Peter jumps up. Paces. Gets closer to the TV. Brow furrowed, glaring at the television, looking anxious.

Me: Wait, why are you standing? Do you want me to pause? Are you okay?

Peter: Oh. I just realized. I was standing up to slap your television.

Jinkx, in her "Why aren't there real celebrities here?" riff, was making a joke about how out-of-touch and not-this-generation (and literally-dead) Edie Bouvier Beale is, as well as her proclivity for name-dropping in Grey Gardens. Coco took it as a personal read. Between this exchange and her behavior in the rest of the episode, any goodwill Coco had built up in my eyes in the last four episodes is quickly dissipating, and I'm too irritated with her to be embarassed for her.

And then there were these three, for whom my heart is genuinely full, even though I swore before this episode that I'd hold a grudge against anybody who fucked up the Snatch Game. Oh dear, this is the fourth season we've played the Snatch Game, darlings. Was it nerves that caused Alyssa to miss this one?

RuPaul: Did you really kiss a girl?

Alyssa: ...

RuPaul: Have you ever kissed a girl?

Alyssa: Ru, never!

RuPaul: But, um. Yeah.

Me: The correct answer was "I liked it." All you had to say was "I liked it."

Their last-minute doubts in character choice shook the confidence of both Alyssa and Lineysha, and they allowed the iconic importance of this challenge to psyche them out. On her own terms, Lineysha's English is actually quite good, but under pressure, we've seen it fall apart before and again. Alyssa won back points with me in Untucked when she discussed, with trademark Alyssa frankness, how terrible she was.

I don't know what happened to sweet Ivy. You know she's been one of my personal favorites all along, but the spectacular performance skills and unmatchable entertainment value I've seen from her on YouTube didn't translate this week. I was surprised and relieved when she didn't lip-synch for her Marilyn Monroe.

Back to the werkroom. Aside from the quiet moment between Jinkx and Alaska, the only good thing in the next scene is Jade's hat.

Adventure Time! With Jade the queen and Josh the human, the fun will never end--it's Adventure Time!

We're not given context for why Coco has decided to relentlessly bully Jinkx, even after Jinkx and Alyssa's exchange is over--is she still cranky because Little Edie wouldn't be familiar with Janet Jackson?--but it's not cute. If Coco had her way, RuPaul's Drag Race would just be a drawn-out pageant, with absolutely nothing required beyond runway presentations, interview skills, and lip synchs. (All T, no shade. Source.) Her nasty, mean-spirited mood bubbles into makeup time, where she and Alyssa continue their feud over the 1932 Miss Gay America results. It's noisy and ugly and dumb.

At least we got another of these moments, so it wasn't a complete loss.

Runway! Though Downtown Julie Brown took a run at the title, Best Breasts on Panel go to Michelle Visage.

Category is: Deadliest Snatch! Commence. Shake. DOWN.

Ivy's gorgeous goldfish dress was as lovely as it was fun, a sly nod of camp in a glamorous package. This was absolutely my favorite look of the evening.

The side-by-side says it all: Detox wore it better last week. I think RuPaul sensed complacency in Detox this week, both in her phoned-in Ke$ha and underwhelming runway today; at least Ivy appeared to be trying. Ru knows that Detox is capable of both excellent comedy and high fashion, and as Michelle told her, "You're fiercer than that." The LSFYL was sent as a wake-up call: we all know you're a frontrunner, but you haven't won yet.

Jade bypasses cutie-pie for smokin' in her black-and-silver number. I had to double-check that this wasn't literally the same studded design Monica wore a few weeks ago; I wonder how many queens brought a variation on this outfit?

If Miss Thing were a judge, she would win Best Breasts on Panel this week.

I suppose my taste level doesn't align with Michelle's or Santino's either, because I loved this ensemble. Yes, the hair could have used work, but it's not the only under-styled hair on the runway tonight. It sounds funny, but I wish Jinkx would smile less--I think it would help appease the judges' desire for her to look like a sullen runway model.

Coco was giving me Chad Michaels, and I live for Chad Michaels. Couldn't help but like this.

I loved Alyssa's dress, though I'd have been interested in hearing a judging critique--would they have liked it too?

Gorgeous. I love the styling in particular--the shoes, hair, and make-up pull this together. Lineysha almost certainly knows she's lip synching, and she's picked a striking, memorable look for it.

Alaska's look is cute. I love her coy ("koi") fish face and family-heirloom trout.

I couldn't stop fixating on the dancing fringe. Now I know what it feels like to be a cat.

In judging, Jade and Coco earn safe scores, and Alyssa thanks her lucky stars for immunity. The what-is-this-I-don't-even sentence "I want you to tweet an apology to Katy Perry" is this season's "That was insulting to Beyonce" and, while I feel bad for trembling-voiced Alyssa in this moment, I frigging love this bizarre show.

Jinkx steels herself for the critique. Though she must know that she shone in the Snatch Game, Jinkx also knows that tonight's runway is giving Pandora Boxx Realness, and she correctly anticipates how Michelle and Santino will feel about that. The other critiques go as you'd expect: Detox is underwhelming, Alaska and Roxxxy were properly entertaining, and Lineysha and Ivy both have runway presentations that outshine their Snatch Game.

The queens are called back after judging deliberation, and it's a moment of triumph when Jinkx is declared the winner! Roxxxy and Alaska are safe, as is Ivy, leaving Detox and Lineysha to battle it out.

Lineysha delivers a lovely, respectable lip-synch, and her skill would have won any prior LSFYL this season. However, Detox is easily one of the best lip-synchers cast this year, and her waggling jaw and dramatic twirling jellyfish send Lineysha packing.

(I want to start hitting Untucked highlights in these recaps, but ugh, not this week. This week was reminiscent of the most unpleasant moments of Season Three's Untucked, and that's all I'll say about that.)

Eight queens remain! Next week: Drag in the Dark (which, yes, potentially the best mini-challenge ever) and singing!