TORONTO

Confessions of a bike lane blocker...

Ever had a run-in with a bike Nazi? A pcyclo? A bicycultist? A velocipedic vigilante? You never know when they’ll pounce.

There I was, minding my own business on Gerrard St. at Church downtown the other day, daydreaming at the curb among assorted other vehicles while my girlfriend ran in for coffee.

Suddenly, a feminine voice at my window announced, “You’re in a bike lane, you know. This isn’t a bike.”

Startled, I glanced about. Sure enough, there was a bicycle imprint in the pavement, though no actual bikes.

But there was nowhere else to stop.

I tried to convince my accoster I was in one of those new four-wheel sports utility bicycles, but she didn’t buy it. Even a pedal pusher could clearly see it was a Ford Escape.

After an exchange of pleasantries — her name is June — she snapped a photo of me and my fuel-injection brute and moved on to the next sinner.

We perps are destined to appear in glorious colour on mybikelane.to, one of the bicycult sites. Smile, you Neanderthals, you.

I don’t know why bike fanatics are so touchy. Maybe it’s those hard seats. They pinch.

Listen, I know, a law’s a law, no matter how stupid. The fine for invading a bike lane is $150.

But to quote Dickens, the law is a ass. In fact, the two-wheel militants can kiss mine.

In this town, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and the squeak from our bicycultists, such as my new friend June, is deafening. Meanwhile, the silent majority stews behind the wheel.

A couple of years ago, I trespassed on a Sherbourne St. bike lane while co-piloting a race car, in town to promote the Honda Indy.

A bicycloonie pulled up and shrieked at me — like an Indy car in a bike lane was the crime of the century.

It will only get worse, if no one stands up to them. I just hope it doesn’t come to blows on the street.

Soon, we poor, misunderstood motorists will be unable to exit our own driveways. We’ll have nowhere to go.

A Toronto driver already wastes 83 hours a year on delays, according to a survey released Tuesday by GPS-maker TomTom. Unsynchronized lights, ill-planned closures, marathons, and other lunacies are bad enough.

But the bicycult and its political allies are plotting lanes on more major arteries, such as Bloor St., Adelaide and Richmond, and, as of this week, University Ave.

Have they forgotten the Jarvis St. debacle?

Bikingtoronto.com, another bicycult site, rails: “Haven’t we paid enough time and energy and money catering to car drivers in this city?”

Wh--?! Name a single, solitary thing done this century to make driving easier in Toronto. It’s been downhill since the squeaky wheels turned the Allen into an expressway to nowhere in the 1970s.

Bike lane zealots are a creeping menace.

First they shrink Dundas St. E. to one car lane, so commuters are forced to Eastern Ave., then they slap a Bike Lane to Nowhere on Eastern. It just pops up, like a skunk at a picnic.

God knows how Scarberians get home now. I finally gave up and moved downtown.

And there’s mixed evidence bike lanes even make cyclists safer. A Danish study found the rate of accidents actually goes up. Bike lanes breed false security.

Listen, we drivers — which is nearly everybody — are not anti-bicycle. (I have two bikes, up north, though they scare the deer.)

No, we’re anti-congestion.

Put bike lanes on greenbelts, back lanes, side streets, trails, ravines, hydro rights-of-way. Go nuts, bike Nazis. Build a network, even.

But don’t encroach on traffic. That’s politics, not practicality.

Do the geniuses who run this city not read StatsCan?

The 2011 census says just 1.3% of Torontonians cycle to work, while a whopping 70% drive. Not to mention, the census was taken in May, when bikes are in full bloom.

I have another reminder for those trying to turn Toronto into Biketown:

WINTER!

We gum up our streets year-round for a summer pastime?

Might as well put waterski lanes on the St. Lawrence.

I can see my new friend June confronting an icebreaker captain.

“You’re in a waterski lane, you know …”