We think we share a deep connection with our pets – but do our attempts to read their minds actually say more about ourselves?

To test the theory, Weekend invites proud owners to take our version of the famous Proust personality questionnaire on behalf of their beloved animals.

This week, the comedian Bill Bailey and his cockatoo, Jakob, who is in her forties.

Where did you meet?

At a parrot rescue centre near Oxford. Her previous owners had saved her from Papua New Guinea, but they couldn’t look after her any more.

What made you take her home?

My wife, Kristin, and I have travelled through Indonesia and have a strong bond with that part of the world. We felt an immediate connection to her, having seen birds just like her in the wild.

Why the name Jakob?

It’s pronounced “Yacob” and it’s the chirping sound she makes. Lots of cockatoos are called Jakob – it’s onomatopoeic.

Her chief characteristics? She’s a pretty steady bird:straightforward in her needs and quite happy to amuse herself.

Bill Bailey's cat doesn't mess with Jakob Credit: Clara Molden

What was her first impression of you?

When she arrived she was a bag of nerves, terrified of men and children. Only Kristin could handle her. Gradually she started to trust me and now she’s a total softie.

Was it love at first sight?

Not really. It’s not all sweetness and light owning a bird. Sometimes you wonder if they’ll ever stop screeching. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to get a captive bird unless they know what they’re doing. They survive 70 years in captivity: you’re in it for the long haul.

Is parrot ownership how you imagined?

No. It’s a complete revelation. I thought they just sat in a cage eating cuttlefish and saying “Pretty Polly” once in a while. They’re so affectionate and respond so well to being handled and stroked and cuddled. You just don’t think of a bird as being a “petting” pet but they very much are.

How does she express affection?

Her beak chatters very fast and she fluffs up her feathers. She sits on my chair while I have breakfast and helps herself to toast, and when we have guests she nuzzles their ears. She’s so gentle and loving that even those with bird phobias come around to her.

Bill Bailey’s Limboland is at the Vaudeville Theatre, London, from December 10 2016 Credit: Clara Molden

What makes her happy?

She loves a cardboard box. She’ll just shred it.

What kind of parrot owner are you?

Very conscientious. I’m not blowing my own trumpet but I’ve really worked at it and know what makes a happy bird. It’s important to keep them in a routine: they like to wake up at a certain time, eat at similar times.

Alright alright here's some kittens then pic.twitter.com/9pCSbwp9Vd — Bill Bailey (@BillBailey) August 29, 2015

Are you afraid she’ll fly off?

No, because she knows which way her bread is buttered.

What’s the wickedest thing she’s done?

She’s trashed important documents – £5 notes, contracts, my passport – but the worst offence was when we were renting a house from friends while our place was done up. They had these bespoke bamboo blinds in their conservatory, which cost a fortune: Jakob turned them into a pile of matchwood on the floor.

What irritates you about her?

When she plays Kristin and I off against each other. If we argue, she joins in and gets really animated. She’s smarter than we think.

She dances on the back of chairs. She’ll also play dead by hanging off your hand with her legs sticking in the air. Bill Bailey

How would she fare in the wild?

There’s no way she can be released. She’s completely institutionalised.

How does she get your attention?

Two polite chirps, followed by an ear‑splitting shriek.

Her party trick?

She’s a complete clown. She can say “hello Jakob” and “bubye”. She dances on the back of chairs. She’ll also play dead by hanging off your hand with her legs sticking in the air.

Any aspirations for her?

I would love her to find a mate. We’re always on the lookout but she’s picky.

Do you share any character traits?

Maybe the clowning around. Maybe the shrieking for attention.

I never thought I'd have affectionate feelings for a bird but she got right under my radar Bill Bailey

Proudest moment?

She appeared on a chat show with me and charmed everyone.

What did your other animals make of her?

There was a slight issue with the cat at the beginning. He was preparing to pounce when Jakob suddenly grew two feet and delivered an enormous shriek. He’s never bothered her again.

What does she mean to you?

I never thought I’d have affectionate feelings for a bird but she’s got right under my radar there.