Unmissable show?

There’s this BBC1 programme called The One Show, I think, and it’s on all the time and it’s really short. It’s about these hippos that swim in a circle, but there’s lots of other stories mixed up like one about a balloon, and it’s hard to follow the story, but I always watch it because I like circles. Circles are my second favourite shapes after arrows, but there’s not been a programme about arrows since that one with the old men in the war.

Bring back…

Doctor Who. I used to watch it as a kid. It was about this colourful ringmaster who’d fly through the sky in this blue wardrobe. He could go anywhere, but he usually went to corridors. And there was The Darlings, spotty robots who were proper furious with him. The effects were made by Blue Peter, and you could tell, because it was bottles and egg boxes. But if they did it now, they could do all sorts with computers and they wouldn’t need as many egg boxes, which would be good for global warming. It’d be really good to bring it back, and I bet kids would like it, because kids love wardrobes.

Pitch us a TV show…

SuperSteptoe and SuperSon. It’s about an old man and a really old man who live in a tip and they’ve got superpowers, like they can move vases using their minds. It’s based on a dream I had when I was in hospital with my tonsils.

TV turn-off?

I get frustrated when a show won’t let you phone in. So The Wright Stuff is great, but things like Broadchurch and the Weather piss me off because I can’t call and say what the policemen should do or whether it should rain in Liverpool. And that’s basically bullying and against free speech. Plus, I have to leave the room during the number bits on Countdown because I’m scared of fours.

Mastermind specialist subject?

Greggs.

As told to Jason Hazeley & Joel Morris. Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe begins Thursday, 10pm, BBC2. Philomena Cunk is currently appearing in Diane Morgan