Monday, March 23, 2009

Oh, the Mommy Wars and the Myth of the Perfect Parent

Where does the insecurity come from?

Pertaining to parenting and not my children per se - i lose patience way too fast when people act like i’m just “trying to be better than them/supermom” if they find out that “we eat homemade as much as possible” or “that i never bought baby food - it was all homemade” “that they never got formula” or “that we cloth diaper” or “that my children don’t watch tv” or “that i get to stay home with them everyday”. I feel like i just want to YELL that I’m doing what WE feel is best for OUR FAMILY/SITUATION and that it bugs me that I have to pretend that we do things we don’t. I don’t offer these things to “show off” ever - i wish the people making assumptions of how everybody parents would just stop - then they wouldn’t make me feel horrible!ha. I just need to learn to not allow it to get to me.

Can we avoid passing on this insecurity to our kids?

...but you should be aone.I've read over and over again about the impact that a mother's mental health and frame of mind can have on her children. Children of happy mothers are more likely to develop high self-esteem and are less likely to be anxious and worried. Moms dealing with postpartum depression should get help, for their own sake and for their child's sake (this has been reaffirmed by people like Kristin @ babyREADY Jennifer @ Barely Knit Together and Katherine @ Postpartum Progress ). But even among moms that do not have PPD, there seems to be an ever-present tendency to question whether we are doing a good enough job as parents.The perfect parent is a myth. That person does not exist. We all make choices as parents, some free choices and some forced choices. Sometimes we are able to do what is best for our children and sometimes we are not.I hate the term and the concept of Mommy Wars. I think people often make them up or imagine them. It seems any time a mother talks about the benefits of a choice she has made or questions the opinions of another mother, it is interpreted as a war. If this is how wars begin, it is no wonder there are so many ridiculous wars going on in the world these days.Some of the wars are over issues where there is no clear better choice. In other cases, there is a clear documented better choice, but not every family is able to achieve that ideal. Some moms breastfeed, but purchase processed foods too often due to time constraints or exhaustion. Some moms formula feed, but put a home cooked meal made from whole foods on the table each night. Some parents smoke, but don't let their kids watch TV. Other parents let their kids watch TV, but also model healthy lifestyle choices. Some parents resort to sleep training, but spend lots of quality time with their kids during the day. Other parents have to go to work during the day, but would never dream of letting their child cry it out.No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. Not anyone else.But why can't we talk about what is better when there is science to back it up? Why can't we talk about what works for us and why in case the same thing might work for someone else? Why can't we celebrate our successes without it necessarily detracting from someone else's accomplishments? Why are people so insecure about their own choices?Mama Hope asks whether it is wrong to openly support breastfeeding . In her comment on my post for Do Over Day , Annie @ Imagination in Parenting , said:This reminds me of the middle square in Mom's Tinfoil Hat's Mommy Wars Bingo : "By defending YOUR parenting priorities (breastfeeding, natural foods, no TV) you are attacking mine!!!"Maybe if we were all just more confident in our choices and in our abilities, then we could have normal conversations about the pros and cons of different approaches, about what research says, about success stories and inspirations, without someone feeling judged or getting offended. Obviously, there are unfortunate cases where individuals get attacked for their choices or their actions, but for the most part the so-called Mommy Wars seem to start out as simple discussion about the benefits of one approach over another and then deteriorate into a war because people somehow find a personal attack in between the lines. Is it really so wrong to discuss? Does discussion automatically = judgment? Even if we do judge a choice or an idea, can we not separate judging that choice or idea from judging a person?I don't know what it is that makes people so insecure about their own parenting skills. But I do hope that one of the things I do right as a parent is to find a way to instill enough confidence and self-esteem in my kids that they do not feel threatened by being different, that they take criticism in stride, and that they can accept their own weaknesses.I have read that avoiding stress during pregnancy can help (managed that with one pregnancy, but not the other). I've read that being happy and confident around your infant can help (think I managed that one). I've read that interacting and engaging your baby, smiling back when your baby smiles and talking to your baby can help (think I managed that one too). I've read dissenting opinions on the pros and cons of praise and am still working through all of that. I've read books like Dr. Sears The Successful Child , Margot Sutherland's The Science of Parenting , and Louann Brizendine's The Female Brain that all have great ideas in this regard.My son recently told me "Mommy, I really like me". You cannot imagine how happy those words made me.Image credit: Amit Gupta on Flickr