We've long come to expect the unexpected in the all-singing, all-dancing, just a tiny bit hooligan-infested and new-attendance-record-setting Bundesliga (average of 45,116 per match) but a second consecutive championship for Borussia Dortmund had simply seemed outside the realm the possibilities back in August – a bit like the veteran coach Otto Rehhagel's return to the top flight. Surely, Jürgen Klopp's men would suffer from second‑season syndrome, struggle to replace captain Nuri Sahin, struggle even more to deal with the new pressure of playing as champions and in the Champions League. And struggle they did – but only for the first few games of the season.

From October onwards, the hard-working, hard-running, perfectly pressing Black and Yellows didn't lose a single game and began to reel in a Bayern Munich side who had become too comfortable at the top. While things disintegrated in the south after the winter break, Dortmund picked up pace. From Dortmund's perspective the "salad bowl" (championship trophy) was won with the tumultuous 1-0 win against Bayern in April but, as far as Bayern were concerned, it was probably lost a couple of months earlier. Klopp's triumph was complete when his boys destroyed the Reds 5-2 in the DFB Cup final in Berlin to record the club's first double in their 103-year history.

Local rivals Schalke 04 also had a great campaign, finishing in third place with a classic mix of beauty (Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Raúl up front) and the brute (Jermaine Jones collected 14 yellow cards and an eight‑week ban for treading on Marco Reus's injured foot). The biggest surprise of all was Borussia Mönchengladbach, however. Tactical super-brain Lucien Favre led a side that had barely avoided relegation in 2010‑11 to fourth spot with meticulously planned counter-attacking football.

For Stuttgart (6th) and Hannover (7th) qualification for the Europa League amounted to great success but the same could not be said of Leverkusen (5th). The coach Robin Dutt set out to "improve upon" last season's second‑placed finish but lost the dressing room amid a flurry of contradictory measures and plain silly directives ("no more chocolate bars at breakfast"). He was replaced by Sami Hyypia and Sascha Lewandowski after the club had exhausted all avenues, including the public dismantlement of Michael Ballack.

Felix Magath's Wolfsburg, a constantly changing array of random foreign players, and the frankly awful Werder Bremen could have been this year's biggest underachievers but of the big sides, no one took incompetence quite as far as Hamburger SV. A "transition" master-minded by the sporting director Frank Arnesen shed one-and-a-half coaches and nearly found a logical finale in relegation.

Augsburg and Freiburg, who both looked like goners at Christmas, avoided the drop due to some excellent training-pitch work and a psychological master-class from Christian Streich, respectively. An utterly chaotic season, even by Köln's deranged standards, failed to produce a happy end, however. Markus Babbel's fall-out with Michael Preetz and his subsequent dismissal ushered in the disastrous rein of Michael Skibbe (five games, five defeats) before the marginally less disastrous and far more quotable Otto "I am the law" Rehhagel took Hertha BSC down to the Bundesliga 2 after losing out to Fortuna Düsseldorf in the play‑offs. Kaiserslautern, meanwhile, also dropped down a level without as much as a whimper.

Next year, we can look forward to promoted teams Greuther Fürth, Fortuna and Eintracht Frankfurt, to constant speculation about Heynckes's successor and to Klopp wearing his lucky "Pöhler" (Ruhr area dialect for footballer) baseball cap until a fourth official complains of the bad smell. First, though, please find the annual Honigstein Awards for your delectation below. Servus!

Player of the year

3 Mario Gomez

The Bayern Munich forward and new wave haircut aficionado scored 41 goals in all competitions, some of them even from outside the six‑yard box. It's incredible to think what he'd be capable of if he could actually play football, too.

2 Robert Lewandowski

Thirty goals in all competitions were pretty good but his general link‑up play and positioning was on another level altogether. Without the Polish forward, Dortmund would not have been anywhere near the title.

1 Klaas-Jan Huntelaar

Forty-eight goals in 47 games in a Schalke side that were not exactly brimming with attacking talent, the "Hunter" was simply in a class of his own this season.

Team of the year

Ter Stegen; Piszczek, Hummels, Subotic, Lahm; Reus, Kroos, Kehl, Kagawa; Huntelaar, Lewandowski. Subs Leno, Schmelzer, Badstuber, Fuchs, Schweinsteiger, Robben, Ribéry, Podolski, Pizarro, Gomez.

Goal of the season

3 Raúl v Hannover

2 Raúl v Köln

1 Eren Derdiyok v Wolfsburg

Honourable mention Juan Arango v Kaiserslautern

Best game

Two-nil after 49 minutes, 2-3 after 79, 4-3 after 87 and a 4-4 injury-time equaliser by Christian Gentner after an astonishing mix-up between Hummels and Schmelzer: Dortmund's 4-4 draw with VfB Stuttgart was the Bundesliga as directed by Michael Bay, a delightfully bonkers blockbuster, including plenty of air-punching by the two coaches on the sidelines. "It was a crazy game, I don't think I've ever experienced something quite like it," said Klopp. "So amazing, you lose your uvula," thought VFB sporting director Fredi Bobic.

Best miss

Christian Lell v Meuselwitz

Best banner

"Farewell, Poldi. If we could, we'd leave, too" (Köln supporters contemplate life in the second division)

Best prediction

"If anyone thinks it'll be another 6-0 to Bayern, they have no clue," HSV manager Michael Oenning said before the game in Munich. Bayern won 5-0.

Worst TV interview

3 Bastian Schweinsteiger was asked why Bayern had failed to make a statement ("Kampfansage") with a narrow win over Augsburg. "What do you mean? I don't understand," the midfielder replied, at first puzzled, then annoyed. The Sky reporter, who also anchors "Jesus House" on Bibel TV, really wanted to nail this one, however. After another one-way exchange and the reporter admitting that he wanted to get "a little rise" out of the player, Schweinsteiger turned to Bayern's media officer. "I think he's taking the piss," said the 27-year-old, before walking off. "And he's gone," commented the Sky men, with a hint of sadness. It can't be easy, having less than two hours to come up with a semi-coherent question.

2 Sky man Ecki Häuser's attempt to turn the tables didn't quite work out.

"What would you ask a Bayern player today, if you were a reporter?"

Mario Gomez: "Nothing. I'd let him go home."

1 Jürgen Klopp and Arnd Zeigler. Nuff said.

Best King Otto quotes

5 "I know what's needed here: attack, attack – go!"

4 "I told Raffael he had to be like Messi: a superstar who works hard for his team."

3 "We are always at our best when there's no opponent on the pitch. Then we combine beautifully and don't stop scoring."

2 "I have a treasure chest of experience, the players are welcome to dive in."

1 "Yes, I was at the Austria international [in the stands] but I didn't offer myself up as coach. I don't offer myself up to anyone, apart from my wife."

Most misguided historical allegory

"I was semi-afraid. I know what can happen. I sat in the cellar in 1943 when the Americans were bombing us." Rehhagel keeps things in perspective, talking about the (non-violent) Düsseldorf pitch-invasion.

Public Enemy Make Some Noise Award

A Dietmar Hopp loyalist, acting completely on his own and without the knowledge or authorisation of Hoffenheim (honest!) installed a contraption that emitted a shrill tone every time the visiting Dortmund fans sang less than favourable songs about the Hoffenheim benefactor.

Keysie and Gray Silver Pin for Services to Feminism

"I thought we're here to talk about football." Uli Hoeness, when asked about the Women's World Cup.

Innovative journalism award

Hertha sporting director Michael Preetz shunned reporters but penned an interesting, self-conducted interview on the club's website instead. "Aren't you fooling yourself with talk of hope? The trend points to relegation," Preetz asked Preetz. "What trend? Otto Rehhagel [and his staff] has managed a change of trend in terms of fight and mentality," Preetz answered. Like all good interlocutors, the former centre-forward was not afraid to probe further, though. "What happens if relegation becomes a fact, after all?" "I refuse to answer to that," came the hard-hitting reply.

David Brent Man-Management Medal

"You are not a top defender anymore but you've been a true professional, Manuel," Wolfgang Holzhäuser said in a little speech in honour of defender Manuel Friedrich, in front of journalists, sponsors and team-mates, before leading the room in a Hessian-tinged "Häppi Birssday" rendition. "Maybe Rudi Völler and me have made one or two mistakes in the communication," Holzhäuser admitted later.

Best Runners-Up

Bayern, naturally. Finishing second in three competitions was reminiscent of Leverkusen's 2002 season. In an ideal world, Bayern would be beaten to this particular title, too. But there were no other credible candidates.

Michael Fassbender trophy for most impressive starkers performance

"If you're streaking, you need to show something, too. He did that, to be fair." Mario Gomez appreciates a nude man's flic-flacs during the Augsburg away game.

Best club description

"First they sing, then they lock arms and sway around, then they cry a bit and in the end, the team's supposed to play Bayern off the park. Well, that didn't work." German newspaper Kölner Stadt-Anzeiger nails 1. FC Köln's modus operandi.

Ian Holloway-ism of the season

Thorsten Fink. "If you want the most beautiful girl in the discotheque, you have to say: hey doll, I'm the greatest guy, you're coming with me!", said the Hamburg coach. "You have to really want something [in order to achieve it]."

Best comeback

"Why did Sky employ this clown? Just because he once managed a step-over without accident?" asked an angry Rudi Völler, slamming Sky pundit Jaan Aage Fjortoft. "I think it's wrong to compare me with a clown. They are hardworking and funny," the former Frankfurt striker replied via Twitter.

Most misguided motivational talk

"It's an honour to sit on the bench at Bayer," Robin Dutt told midfield rivals Simon Rolfes and Michael Ballack at the start of the season. Both were firmly off the bench by the end of the season, and so was Dutt.

Lothar Matthäus Greenkeeper Prize

Weserstadion, Bremen. "Our performance was like the pitch in the second half today. There were bits coming out the size of Australia," said Hoffenheim coach Holger Stanislawski.

'It would have been OK in Newcastle' award for topless misconduct

The Bundesliga is careful to uphold much-loved traditions like terraces, cheap tickets, drinking and smoking. But the authorities do draw the line when it comes to romantic notions like jumpers for goal-posts or "skins vs colours". Thus, Marco Kurz's move to bring on Clemens Walch were thwarted by the latter's attempt to play without a regulation Kaiserslauten shirt. By the time Walch had gone back to the changing room to retrieve said forgotten garment, Werder Bremen striker Markus Rosenberg had already scored a second goal to decide the match.

Lost in translation award

Werder midfielder Wesley found a novel way to steal the back pages after his goal, or perhaps he was just keen to supplement his income with some freelance photography: the 24-year-old picked up a camera and snapped Marko Arnautovic celebrating with the fans. One or two newspapers actually ran the half-decent picture but the whole incident made you wonder whether the Brazilian didn't misinterpret some dressing‑room grumbles. What was it they said about the Austrian answer to Mario Balotelli needing to be shot?

Joey Barton trophy

It's a forlorn, hostile place, bereft of light and full of strange people who will do you in an instant if you turn your back on them. Yes, Slawomir Peszko could have plausibly argued that he was merely trying to adjust to possible life in the second division when he spent a night in a police cell on Saturday night but at FC Köln, they didn't see the funny side. The Polish midfielder had drunkenly attacked a cab driver – he wanted to go to Düsseldorf (!) at 12 at night, one would have understood the cab driver attacking him, instead – and was arrested to sober up. He said sorry the next day, was fined €25,000 and suspended for a game.

Petr Cech award for multilingual skills

Schalke general manager Horst Heldt. What language did he make his contract offer to Raúl in, he was asked. "In Euro."

Best 'Arry

Wolfsburg's Great Dictator Felix Magath bought and sold so many players that he himself seemed unsure who was actually in his team at any given time. It was only fitting that striker Patrick Helmes, who had been banished to the reserves and nearly sold to Ligue 1 in January, should emerge as the key man late in the season. Magath, of course, was not in the least apologetic about his wheeling-dealing and openly admitted ignorance about the finer details of his own employment status. "I have one contract that interests me in terms of its lifespan – that's my marriage contract," he said. "I don't care about the lifespan of any other contracts."

Best double put-down

"It's obvious that Frank Arnesen didn't know any German players, that's why he only bought Chelsea players and Scandinavians," quipped Sky pundit Jens Lehmann. "But if they keep getting negative results, it's perhaps an advantage for [Michael] Oenning that Arnesen doesn't know any German coaches either."

Best explanation

"The problem is that we are playing horrifically bad football." Wolfsburg defender Marco Russ.

Least sensational sensation

Philipp Lahm's book "The Fine Difference" revealed that Jürgen Klinsmann didn't have a clue about tactics, that Felix Magath was cruel and that Rudi Völler's coaching regime had all the intensity of a "holiday camp".

Best cock-up

€39m worth of indecision, miscalculation, clumsiness, passivity and incompetence came together in Bayern Munich's first game of the season, a 1-0 home defeat to Gladbach. Roel Brouwers punted aimlessly, Jérôme Boateng – the €17m centre-back and new designated boss in defence – let the ball bounce expertly and stepped aside to allow €22m recruit Manuel Neuer to take off on an ill-conceived flight into nothingness. The 25-year-old missed the ball completely and Ivan de Camargo headed home from just outside the box. Neuer then made another howler in the return-leg. (3-1 to Gladbach)

Worst foul

Hamburg striker Paolo Guerrero was hit with an eight-game ban for a foul that could only be described as "insane" (Jürgen Klopp): the Peruvian took a run-up of 50m, then jumped feet first into the legs of Stuttgart keeper Sven Ulreich, who was innocently shepherding the ball out of play near the corner flag. Guerrero's best puppy-dog-eyes and "what did I do?" gestures failed to persuade ref Peter Sippel. Sometimes, a mere red card is not enough.

Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction Prize

Rodnei. Kaiserslautern's Brazilian defender was unable to put on his gloves and spent a whole half holding them in his hands instead.

And finally

Former Werder striker Ailton proves an enlightened, liberal mind on Germany's "I'm A Celebrity …" show: "Gay with gay is not nice. Woman with woman, also not. I have to accept. But but for me it's not nice."