Your ten-year-old son slaps his younger sister and pulls the head off her favourite doll. Do you spank him, forbid him from watching television, send him to bed with no dinner, or… force him to kneel on uncooked rice?

As bizarre a disciplinary action as that may sound, this is a common practice in some Latino communities. We caught a glimpse of it in the recently-released film adaptation of Sue Monk Kidd’s novel “The Secret Life of Bees”, when the teenage protagonist was forced to kneel on grits by her abusive father.

But should this really be considered ‘abuse’ – or merely a cultural difference?

The way we raise our children usually depends on our own childhood, mingled with the knowledge and experience we gather along the way to adulthood.

In spite of social and cultural differences around the globe, sociologists Barry et al. (1959) have identified six central dimensions of child rearing common to all societies: obedience training, responsibility training, nurturance training, achievement training, self-reliance training, and general independence training.

So how do these dimensions intermingle with the two thorniest subjects of child-rearing – discipline and independence?

DISCIPLINE



“Spanking” or striking children is illegal in many countries, including Japan, Switzerland, Spain, Germany, Italy, South Africa, and most Scandinavian countries. The UK has outlawed physical punishment in schools, and only regards spanking as abuse when it leaves a mark. In Canada, only an open hand may be used with children between the ages of two to 12. In the US, spanking is allowed, but each state has its own stipulations on what is considered “reasonable force” as opposed to child abuse.

“Spanked?” laughs Susan, 24, who grew up in Kenya. “Try beaten almost to death! In my culture, a child belongs to the society and is raised by the whole village. So if an elderly person sees you doing something bad, he or she beats you, hands you over to another elderly person who will also beat you, and then they hand you over to your parents who will both beat you as well.”

She explains that at school, it was common to be hit on the buttocks, back, calves and on the soles of the feet. Once, she says, it took almost two weeks for her injuries to heal.

“In African countries this is normal,” agrees Mweemba, 42, who spent most of his life in Zambia before he came to the UK to study. “From the age of five and up – until you are too big to hit back – parents and teachers will hit you with a stick, their hand, even animal skin… whatever is nearby.”

He explains that corporal punishment is now an offence in schools in Zambia, but at home children will still frequently get hit.

He is adamant about his beliefs when it comes to the matter of discipline. “I think children should be punished but not to the point of injury. I would prefer to use a punishment that might reform them – like depriving them of something they enjoy. But in Africa, with the mixture of religion and tribal culture both being part of the parenting approach, the Biblical ‘spare- the-rod-and-spoil-the-child’ is a strong belief.”

“I tried to negotiate with my mother,” says David, 22, from Tanzania. “I asked if, instead of beatings, she could just send me to my room, but of course, that was just wishful thinking!”

Though Stephen, 24, grew up in England, his parents come from Ghana and Jamaica, and his upbringing reflected it. “The hand, the belt, the slipper, the switch – a piece of dried grass swiftly thrashed against your palms – and let’s not forget ye old curtain rail!” he adds with panache.

Kushak, from India, states, “Indian parents can be violent, using brooms and belts… both my parents had a go at me a couple of times!”

“I was only spanked once,” says Yang, 29, from China. “I remember that day my mother sat on me and spanked me on the ass. But most of the time my parents just scolded me. That would be enough for me to realise the mistake I had made.”

“Korean parents are quite strict. In my generation, most mothers had their own stick to whip their kids,” says Jane, 28.

“I was spanked once, after which my mother felt so guilty she never did it again,” says Anneloes, 27, who is from the Netherlands. “We were sent to our rooms if we were naughty, and a couple of hours later, one or both of my parents would come up to talk about it and let us say we were sorry.”

“Punishing your child is illegal and highly controversial in Scandinavian countries,” says Karoline, 28, from Norway. “I was given ‘freedom with responsibilities’ as I got older – but never beaten.”

Jevan, 27, who now lives in the US, remembers his childhood in Trinidad vividly. “At home I was beat with a belt, and at school, teachers would make canes out of various pieces of wood from trees to beat us with.”

But Zara, 24 and also Trinidadian, explains that many parents tended to be more gentle with girls. “I did get spanked… not beaten… but most often I was banned from things I enjoyed.”

But these various people, now adults and some with children of their own, do not resent their strict upbringing.

Mweemba displays a scar on the side of his finger where a ruler once sliced the skin.

“But the teacher who made this mark,” he says with a smile, “turned out to be one of the best friends I have ever had. He is so proud of me now, and keeps up with everything I do.”

INDEPENDENCE

A child’s personal development depends heavily on the values of his or her parents, which differ from each family to another in the society even within the same society, but some cultural similarities still remain.

“In China, there is the one-child policy, and parents are often overprotective of children when they are young,” explains Yang. “If a Chinese child trips and falls down on the ground, his parents will rush to help him to stand up. But usually in Western countries, the parents will let the child be brave and get up by themselves.

“Also, in Western countries, kids begin working part-time from an early age, but for children living in urban areas of China, most won’t work until they graduate from university. And while Western parents believe in independent thinking, Chinese parents prefer to make their children obey them, which might confine their creativity.”

“In the cities there would be a more ‘laissez-faire’ approach to parenting, where you discover things on your own,” says Mweemba. “But in rural Zambia, parents will always be with children and go places as a family. Also, there are very defined gender roles – boys fetch firewood, look after cattle, manual work… girls cook, clean, fetch water, look after children – and the ‘allowance’ kids gets in the West is mostly unheard of in most African countries. So you get to be very self-sufficient and independent from an early age.”

“I admit I was spoilt,” says Kushak. “I did not know what chores were until I came to study at Lancaster University in England. Things were done for me in my house. It is not common to every Indian family, but as a boy, I never had to clean my room or iron a shirt. Girls were more likely to be given household chores.”

Jevan says, “As the youngest and being raised by a single mother, I had a lot of chores – take out rubbish, cook breakfast, water the plants… I also got an allowance. In high school I grew independent – budgeting, getting a summer job. Generally, in Trinidad and throughout the Caribbean, we have a lot of US values filtering in… so you are encouraged to be your own person. But Caribbean parents will always be more protective of their girl children and give boys more freedom.”

Anneloes, from the Netherlands, says, “We weren’t given chores but we were expected to help clear the table and keep our rooms tidy. We were given pocket money sporadically, but we didn’t really ask. We used to have babysitters looking after us, but as we were generally responsible, we quickly told my parents that we could stay home alone.”

“I didn’t have many chores and I got a little pocket money,” says Ben, 24, from London in the UK. “I was let loose to wander off on my own. I was fairly independent, but not spoilt at all, really.”

AND… THE TALK



There is one thing, however, that many different cultures around the world agree on – the birds-and-the-bees sex talk – or rather, the lack thereof.

“The talk? Never happened,” says Aisha, 24, who grew up in Tanzania.

“When I was growing up,” says Kushak, “India had the literature so the levels of exposure were high, but any actual talk was massively avoided, to the extent of acting dumb to avoid it.”

“My parents were strong believers in the ‘find out by yourselves’ method!” says Jane, who spent most of her childhood in Korea.

“The government sent out these pedagogical leaflets with information for parents to talk to their youngsters at certain ages about sex,” says Karoline, a 28-year-old Norwegian. “I hated having to go through that embarrassing trauma.”

“Sex and puberty are taboo subjects in many African families. I was actually quite comfortable with that barrier kept between me and my parents. Talking about those issues just didn’t seem natural,” says David from Tanzania.

Even in the West, sex is not the most comfortable topic to approach.

“They gave me a book on puberty, but that was pretty much it,” says Julie, a 22-year-old from California in the US. “They said if I had questions, I could come to them… but I didn’t and they never mentioned it again.”

“At school there was sex-ed, but at home it was implicit – which is to say, nonexistent,” says Ben, from London.

Though in First World countries there is more literature, this does not necessarily translate as easy communication about the matter. People from countries around the world remember quite vividly the scarcity or entire lack of “the talk” during their childhood.

“But things have changed since my childhood,” points out Mweemba. “When I was young, parents told us myths like your nails would grow long if you had sex before marriage. Now, young African children know better. I really hope that in the future, my culture will have changed enough so that my great grandchildren will find it easier to discuss these issues.”