Stripped of Biblical bromides and circumspect syllogisms, but infused with glorious sarcasm, here is the core belief of conservative Christians when they assail the Brittany Maynards of this world.

No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them Who are we to say that our suffering has become too unbearable to go on living when God — who’s just looking for a little amusement — has weeks, months, or even years of agony lined up for us? Seriously, what kind of person ends his life before God’s batted him around a bit? He made us. He deserves a little fun.

We don’t get to choose when we’d rather not exist with Huntington’s disease or a brain tumor. Oh, sure, we might feel ready to die, but for all we know, God has literally decades of chronic pain, dramatic weight fluctuations, and debilitating fatigue in store for us, mixed in with some occasional good days and maybe even some false hope for recovery. … He probably really enjoys watching from above before finishing us off, and we have no right to slam the brakes. … If you ended your life…, do you have any idea how many promising stages of remission and soul-crushing relapses God would miss out on? Sorry, but this is going to take as long as the Almighty wants it to take. But the good news is, He always gets bored sooner or later. And once He’s done jerking you around, then you’ll get that death you want so much.

A big thank-you to the Onion for putting it in those stark, denuded terms.

I’ve made a pact with my wife and my best friend that if any disease ravages my body or brain beyond reasonable hope, prolonging my suffering is out of the question, and either of them will drive or fly me to whatever location is safe and legal for me to end my life on my terms.

Without hesitation, I will do the same for them.

That may not please the Jesus crowd, and that’s OK. They get to lead their lives, and face their deaths, as they see fit, and I expect them to accord the rest of us the same courtesy.

(Image via Shutterstock)



