You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi I am a guy who was raped by his dad when he was 5, if you think I am lying then please humor me. He was raped by his dad, and he was on coke at the time he did it. He confessed to doing it and went to prison, now he is out and a shell of a man he once was. I am sad seeing it. I always wanted a dad, but I never had one. It caused me so many mental problems though, and I can barely handle being with a girl because of it. I can't feel masculine ever. The reason why you think I am lying is because when this happens the victims usually kill themselves.

You: I want to forgive him, but it would stir up so much muck that held me down my entire life.

Stranger: Mmhmm

You: please fucking believe me

You: no one does.

Stranger: Maybe because it's a huge copy pasted paragraph

You: yeah

Stranger: On Omegle

You: because I dont want to retype it

You: over and over again

You: when people reply with "hahahahaha fag"

You: and dc

Stranger: So, well

Stranger: What is it you want that you don't have?

Stranger: Exactly

Stranger: I mean

Stranger: I had a dad, and he was a ripe tit

You: My entire life I never had a dad, and I loved my dad before it happened

You: I didn't have the choice to hate him

You: he just made me hate him

Stranger: Children never really get many choices about their parents

Stranger: It's a power relationship

Stranger: Over romanticized to preserve this fucked up society

You: I just always felt terrible when someone asked me what happened to my dad.

Stranger: It's ok to hate your parents. They're just fuckin humans like the rest of us.

You: I never knew what to say.

You: I always had to be fake.

You: I couldn't openly hate him like a normal person

Stranger: Well, it's not like you're hooked up to a polygraph

Stranger: Make up convenient lies, like veryone else

You: Through high school I made up a story that he sold cocaine and was arrested for it

You: he sold cocaine

You: but was never arrested for it

You: and one day some girls looked up the sexual predator list

You: and my dad came up

You: my girlfriend broke up with me because of what she found out.

Stranger: She sounds like a real winner, for the record

You: lol

You: yeah..

You: well she couldn't be attracted to me anymore

You: that was her explanation

Stranger: That says a lot about her

You: I can't ever feel masculine

You: because I had a fucking dick inside me at one point against my will

Stranger: Masculinity is a social construct.

Stranger: I mean, I guess I feel masculine at times

Stranger: but it's not like a super empowering feeling

Stranger: I actually hate the whole thing.

You: I can't feel like a man during sex though.

Stranger: Machismo is bullshit

You: I don't even feel like I deserve it

Stranger: You've got to define your own reality, mate

You: I tried really hard

You: but then he got out

You: and everything fell apart again

You: and my grades in university dropped like a rock

Stranger: I'd say you should see a therapist, but there are so many shitty ones

You: yeah I know

You: the first one I went to

You: said I should be a dominant sexual partner

You: I stopped going, and thought no shit asshole.

Stranger: Pick up some Freud books and work your own way through it

You: I could see him judge me in his eyes too.

You: As I said it.

Stranger: Man, that is such bs

Stranger: You don't have to be dominant because you're a guy

Stranger: God, the fact that there are therapists saying such shit makes me angry

You: ugh

Stranger: You should be exactly what ever makes you happiest

You: dead?

Stranger: That doesn't sounds very happy

You: Personally I would prefer to be dead, but I would make people around me sad.

You: Its the only reason I haven't done it.

You: I am not a self-loathing person, but I just don't see the point in life if it is as unfulfilling as it is now

You: I won prom king and felt guilty

You: because I had learned how to be a chameleon

You: and become malleable to everyone elses needs

You: so they would accept me

You: because I couldn't accept me

Stranger: Dude, we all do the chameleon thing. It's what we all do to function in society

You: I am living proof of an atrocity, and a taboo.

Stranger: If you can consciously see that you do it, and know that you have more to yourself than what you show everyone, it says that you've got a lot more going for you than most people

You: I have managed to shed most of my layers except the last one, and align a moral and philosophical compass.. but that last layer is getting me

Stranger: You're a living person, with every right to happy. Kill your guilt, it will never serve you.

You: I want to share the last layer so badly and feel free and normal

You: but it just changes the way people see me.

You: God fuck

You: I will never ever forget the look in that therapist's eye

Stranger: Yes, there are lots of assholes in the world, yo

Stranger: But if you keep judging yourself by other people's standards, you'll never be happy, regardless of anything else in life

You: but I for some reason continue to yearn for acceptance

You: Its similar to the way slutty girls work

Stranger: You are the only one you need to worry about impressing with yourself.

Stranger: Yeah, we're all socially conditioned to think our own opinions are worthless

Stranger: It's a byproduct of the way our society works

Stranger: You can overcome it, though

You: I completely understand what you are saying, as I have been thinking about it a lot.

Stranger: Annd have more meaningful interactions with others

You: I did coke for the first time today

Stranger: Yuck

You: I saw my dad fall apart from it

You: and to be honest it happened more than once that he did it to me

You: I remember one time he got me a gameboy because of it

You: but he was a great dad whenever he wasn't raping me or my sister

You: I just don't understand

You: how someone can lose self control like that

Stranger: People don't exist as absolutes. The world isn't that easy

Stranger: Don't get too hung up on trying to understanding how someone else thinks. It's impossible

You: ugh

Stranger: People place too much emphasis on people's intention these days.

Stranger: Don't worry about all that. It's actions that make a life

You: so, what do you think I could actively try to do to make myself feel like less of everything I had just said?

Stranger: I think reading some psych books will help you understand the mechanisms in your mind a bit better, and get more control over them

Stranger: It helped me out quite a bit.

You: any suggestions?

Stranger: I'd start with The Ego and the Id by Sigmund Freud

Stranger: It's a quick read

You: Should I go with broad knowledge texts or more specific published studies?

Stranger: Hmm

Stranger: Well

You: I am trying really happy to make my mom proud. I just have no motivation for myself to do anything at all.

Stranger: Really, the completel works of Sigmund Freud wouldn't take more than a month or two to get through.. I'd avoid the broad spectrum stuff, as it's a bit muddled

You: okay so go with sigmund freud and then I should be able to make a decision from there?

Stranger: I think so

Stranger: Realize, too, that there is a lot of disproven theory and outdated concepts in Freud

You: My dad really didn't confess to it. He actually was arrested for having consensual sex with a male minor.

Stranger: But it proveds a firm foundation for understanding the mind

You: Still his opinion is valid for considering.

Stranger: He laid the framework for the modern understanding of psychology. It's an interesting study in the history of thought, if nothing else

Stranger: But yeah, if you want a little sharp pill of philosophy(or anti-philosophy perhaps), I'd also recommend Max Stirner's The Ego and Its Own

You: I have been trying really hard to figure it out on my own.

You: I think it would be a lot easier if I just took someone elses' life's work and used it to help me shape my ideas of myself

Stranger: Hmm, well, I wouldn't recommend just accepting other people's dogma carte blanche

You: For sure

You: That is originally why I tried to understand it without the influence of other peoples' ideas.

Stranger: Raid the arsenal of past thought, for sure, but take what you find useful, and throw out who is worthless to you.

You: man it just sucks

You: why do people have to be born into shitty situations

You: I always wonder what kind of person I would be if I weren't born like this.

Stranger: Because it's all just a big pointless mess, life.

Stranger: heh

You: and every time I think I would have been a terrible person

You: just everyone I meet

You: They seem to be lost and completely fine with it

You: No direction at all.

You: Just doing stuff carelessly to force a result

Stranger: I'm thankful for my trauma in a way. I'm glad I'm not like those sorts of people

You: Exactly

You: I was talking to one person who had a shitty dad

Stranger: My cart has jumped the tracks, and it was painful, but it's lead me to find glory

You: and he seemed to have similar thoughts to our thoughts

You: Which I think is interesting

You: maybe it was a blessing

Stranger: I wouldn't use that religious of a word, but it has definitely lead me to a position of clarity that I don't think others have reached

Stranger: That's just me being an angry nihilist, though

Stranger: heh

You: nihilist?

Stranger: yup yup

Stranger: I got a link that explains it pretty well, I think..

You: it would be nice to see

Stranger: One sec

You: would you say you have an open mind?

Stranger: http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/voline-nihilism

Stranger: I'm not even sure what that term means anymore

Stranger: I'm open to things that lots of other people are not, but I think I've got my own reservations as well

You: Does it make you sad or happy to see other people live life without the level of clarity that you have?

You: and watch them make mistakes based off psychological issues

Stranger: I can't say for certain

Stranger: I guess it works to my benefit in some circumstances, and counter to my interests in others

Stranger: There is a girl that I loved.

You: It can get you laid, but I really don't want to use it against someone.

Stranger: I wish she could see more clearly the world, but I think it would ruin her

You: yeah I had a very similar situation

Stranger: I'm not really into getting laid.

You: I just wish I could step into her heart, open her eyes, and let her be happy.

You: Well I crave acceptance and power, so I have an inherent desire to win over girls.

You: I try not to work like that at all though.

Stranger: If it's your desire, go for it *shrug*

You: It doesn't satisfy me though.

Stranger: Just not my personal preference. I don't think less of you for differing

Stranger: I dunno. I feel like I'm so far through the looking glass that no one I meet will ever see the same world as I do

You: I don't know about that.

Stranger: It's a strange feeling

You: I have found some one in a million people in here

You: but also some of the worst scum on the planet

Stranger: I've found some very niche groups of people who share some small fraction of my world, but I feel like an outsider even then.

Stranger: heh

Stranger: It's what this path leads to

You: You seem to have taken it a step further, and expanded upon what you saw originally.

Stranger: Many times over

You: I am jealous honestly

Stranger: The next step is building myself a shack in a swamp somewhere miles from civilization

Stranger: ; D

You: Doesn't it make it hard to connect to people?

Stranger: Extremely

You: god.

Stranger: In a way

Stranger: Not really, I guess

Stranger: Seeing the world as I do, you see that no one else is really connection to other people

Stranger: The few connections I do make are so much more genuine than the superficiality of modern relations

You: I think I am in denial about a lot of things.

You: Yeah, I have really only two genuine connections

You: have

You: When I went to university I completely lost hope in ever making a genuine connection again in my life

You: I thought it would be the opposite

Stranger: College was the worst social situation I've ever been in

Stranger: Ugh..

You: Why is that?

Stranger: While everyone else I content with making superficial connections with other shallow bobbleheads, I was more isolated and alone than I'd ever been. Surrounded by people I had nothing in common with

Stranger: I had a bit of a breakdown.

You: I am going through that now

You: tell me what you did please

Stranger: I moved out of the dorms, for one

Stranger: Got a place by myself, where I could recover my sanity

You: same..

Stranger: I ended up dropping out and joining the military, which was the worst idea ever

You: I had the same thoughts

Stranger: It is so much worse

You: I hoped it wouldn't be

Stranger: The only nice thing about it was you didn't have to think.

Stranger: I just shut off everything and became like a zombie

You: I played video games to become robotic.

You: It made me a lot happier

Stranger: There aren't any really good options

You: exactly..

You: which is why I am more interested in the ultimate question of life after death over life itself.

Stranger: Have you read any anarchist stuff before?

You: No, but I believe the world could definitely benefit from sprinklings of anarchism.

Stranger: I think that stuff helped me more than anything

You: Really?

You: It would be a shot in the dark for me.

Stranger: It puts a lot of things in perspective

Stranger: This society is set up to make us miserable to make us produce more

Stranger: and gets us to internalize the blame for our own misery

You: hmm

Stranger: I dunno, it's just really nice to hear people say that

You: that was the most recent thing I was pondering

Stranger: It's not my fault the world is shitting on me

You: how truly fucked government is

Stranger: lemme see if I can find something real quick

You: Please do

Stranger: http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/errico-malatesta-anarchy

Stranger: Hey, if we get disconnected, you can email me here if you'd like: violetingrey@gmail.com

You: Of course

You: I hate when you disconnect accidentally from a very nice conversation

Stranger: I'll know who it's from, no one else emails me there

Stranger: heh

Stranger: I know, it's heart breaking

You: One time a girl from china explained to me her problems

You: and it motivated me as a person

You: I accidentally disconnected from her

You: and I have been pissed ever since

You: She was 17 and had to find a rich guy to marry before her father was fired for being old or else her family would starve

You: it wasn't that situation that made it striking

You: but the way she revealed it to me

Stranger: Oh wow

You: as when I asked her if she would rather live a life poor and happy, or rich and depressed.

You: She came back with

You: My entire family will starve to death if I do not find a husband worth a lot of money

You: I have no choice.

You: That just absolutely frustrated me

You: and is when I began to become a semi-pro-anarchist

You: I don't expect anarchy to truly work, but I am ignorant in its ways.

You: I believe a minimal government is necessary to protect the weak

Stranger: There's a lot more to it than just the goals of an anarchist society

You: but currently the government pulls the weaks resources together to feed themselves

Stranger: There's a lot of deconstruction of modern power relations and philosophy

You: See

You: I was skeptical of it

You: because of the non-conformists who were only non-conforming to be part of a group

You: which is so fucking ironic

Stranger: heh

You: that I just laughed it off

Stranger: Yeah, I know

You: but people like you

Stranger: There are a LOT of those in the anarchist mileu

You: make me truly consider it

Stranger: There's a lot of diversity under the big black umbrella

You: It is unfortunate, but prevalent in almost every group

You: I saw a guy with an anarchy tattoo once.

You: I asked him why he got it

You: and he just looked at me like I was stupid

Stranger: Bluh

Stranger: People are like that sometimes

Stranger: But anyhow, there should be lots of interesting stuff to find there at the anarchistl ibrary, if you wish to pursue it.

Stranger: I did a little work there, and the people that run it are awesome.

Stranger: It's a great resource

You: It seems so

Stranger: All the texts are downloadable in multiple formats, for e-readers and smart phones, too

Stranger: I've got a few books from there on my phone so I have something to read when I'm smoking or waiting for whatever

You: You smoke as well?

Stranger: Yep

You: hm

You: alcohol?

Stranger: That, too

You: often?

Stranger: Not really

Stranger: Every other week or so

You: What would you say to a scale of 1-blackout drunk being a 10

You: you usually end up

Stranger: Depends on the night, I guess

Stranger: Sometimes I go easy on it, other times I try to drink all of the booze

You: and marijuana?

Stranger: But of course

Stranger: heh

Stranger: Not lately, though

You: any psychedelics?

Stranger: All of them

Stranger: heh

You: dimethyltryptophan?

Stranger: Love that stuff

You: the orally active version?

You: from the rain forest

Stranger: Not sure. I smoked it out of a tiny bottle

You: oh

You: here let me look it up really quick

You: its interesting

Stranger: nah, that's the ayuaska or whatever

You: yeah

Stranger: It's got MAOIs in it

Stranger: I just smoked it

You: I have never done a psychedelic

You: but am scared to let my mind go free like that

Stranger: It's good stuff, at least I think so

Stranger: The dmt is a safe bet

You: are you a brit?

Stranger: doesn't last too long, and it's always positive

Stranger: nay

You: nationality?

Stranger: I'm an ugly american

Stranger: ; D

You: haha same

You: this is awesome for me

You: as I always let people probe my mind

You: but I have finally found someone who I can ask questions

You: and be satisfied with the answers

You: you really should write

Stranger: I aim to please

Stranger: heh

Stranger: I try on occasion

Stranger: Never come up with anything I want to keep though

You: People eat up the clarity and confidence with which you speak.

You: You could become a respected intellectual if you really tried

Stranger: I think I'd rather drink my own urine

Stranger: Quite honestly

You: I hope that isn't my egotism

Stranger: ; D

You: well no

You: it could be good

You: I think people stand to grow from words like yours

You: My only motivation in life is to be able to help people not suck like they do today.

You: I had all but given up hope until I got on this site honestly.

Stranger: I think that anyone who can stand to benefit from what I have to say can find my sentiments written with much more skill than I possess in already existent books.

You: Yeah, but you have the luxury of being able to aggregate all of those works into your own theories.

Stranger: I have no desire to change people at large

You: It is the fact that you used your own thoughts to seek knowledge in specific areas.

You: That refined thought is valuable

Stranger: I appropriate what works for me, I don't really generate anything new. What works for me might be worlds away from what works for others

You: It doesn't really matter

You: Look at existentialism or thoreau

You: that isn't for everyone

You: but the mindset did wonders for some

Stranger: I do think I want to write a book on theory or two eventually, but I don't want to be any sort of public intellectual or have people submitting to my ideas

You: It isn't that people submit to your ideas

Stranger: Maybe just put something out to pull the pants off of some other pretenders

You: only a fool would do that

Stranger: There are plenty of those about, as it happens

You: The world is a fucked place, and the wrong people rise to the top

Stranger: The ones that do are the only ones with the will to do so.

Stranger: There are a result of the slave mentality of others

You: I believe I have just recently recognized and broken free of that.

You: I don't think I am quite out of the jungle yet though

Stranger: The jungle goes on forever, unfortunately. There are several clearings that people mistake for freedom, but they merely lengthen their chains by a link or two

You: yeah

You: that seems right to me

Stranger: Sharpen your machete, you're got a life of bushwhacking ahead ; )

You: haha you sir

You: are an interesting one for sure

You: do you often have conversations like this?

Stranger: Not often enough.

You: I feel you

Stranger: My usual Omegle fare goes like this:

Stranger: Hey

asl?

GO FUCK A TOASTER

You: lol

You: yeah

You: sometimes I tell them I am a 16 f usa

You: so they will fucking talk to me

Stranger: heh

Stranger: I've done that a few times

You: yup

Stranger: Started talking all dirty and then say something out of left field

You: Whenever I see an indian on here

You: I fucking lay into them

Stranger: heh

Stranger: I got on google translate and translate "Kill yourself" into hindi and kept it in my clipboard

You: lol

You: I will always remember with clarity this one Indian named Raj.

You: He said asl,,?

You: and immediately I knew

You: either greek or indian

You: prob not greek

You: and then I asked him his name

You: Raj

You: and then I told him

You: 14 f usa

You: whats up

You: he started to say

You: hi come to my country I fly you out for free

You: Come live with your friend raj

Stranger: Oh creepy

You: then I said, "Why should I?"

You: and he said that I should taste his dick and lick his sperm

You: and reiterated for 10 minutes

You: for those 10 minutes

You: I explained to him

You: Why I have never learned anything of his culture, ever been to his country, yet still think of his country as the scum of the earth.

You: All he did was continue to tell me to come live with him

You: and taste his dick

You: he wasn't even phased

Stranger: heh

Stranger: What a charmer

You: Like

You: where the fuck is that gonna get him?

You: Being horny isn't a sin

You: but doing it the way he did

You: is absolutely disgusting

Stranger: Indeed

You: fuck you Raj..

You: fuck you.

Stranger: heh, yeah, fuck Raj

Stranger: But yo

You: tired?

Stranger: I'm going to go cook some food

Stranger: I'm starving

You: alright man

You: take it easy

Stranger: You, too