ANN ARBOR -- The University of Michigan recently posted a job opening: executive assistant to head football coach Jim Harbaugh.

MLive obtained this 100 percent fake transcript of one made-up applicant's imaginary interview.

APPLICANT: Hello. Nice to meet you, Coach.

HARBAUGH: Let's try that again.

APPLICANT: I said hello, it's nice to meet you, Coach.

HARBAUGH: Again.

APPLICANT: Nice to meet you...Mr. Harbaugh?

Harbaugh, equal parts frustrated and disappointed, points to sign above his desk, which reads, "ATTACK EACH DAY WITH ENTHUSIASM UNKNOWN TO MANKIND."

APPLICANT: Oh. Hello! Nice to meet you!

HARBAUGH: You'll get there. Pop quiz: It's halftime. The team is dehydrated. What should they drink?

APPLICANT: I know this. Gatorade if the game is at Michigan Stadium. Due to corporate sponsorships, however, if the game were to be played at --

HARBAUGH: Milk.

APPLICANT: I'm sorry?

HARBAUGH: Milk. The correct answer is milk. And since I like you, here's a tip: The appropriate response to any beverage-related question is milk. Say, could you toss me that carton on top of that shelf there?

Applicant tosses a half-gallon carton of whole milk to Harbaugh.

HARBAUGH: Wow, that's an impressive arm. Do you have any college eligibility left?

APPLICANT: No, I don't, but I'm punctual and organized.

HARBAUGH: Good, because organizing our depth chart is a bear. You'd need to utilize duplex printing just to fit all our quarterbacks on one sheet.

APPLICANT: I can do that. And I could disseminate the information to the media as well.

HARBAUGH: (laughing) Good one. Let's get serious. You'd be managing my contacts. FYI, Don Brown is listed as BFF. I've got three separate coaches under the same name: Turkey, Jive. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with Pope Francis. Does he belong with the Ps or the Fs? His birth name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I don't know. This is why I need an assistant.

APPLICANT: Would I have to wear khakis every day?

HARBAUGH: No, but I don't see why you wouldn't. They are comfortable and stylish. Lightweight. They go with almost anything.

APPLICANT: But it's not part of a mandatory dress code?

HARBAUGH: No, and neither are cleats, but again, why not? It's like I tell my cousin Screech: Being a hero is about helping your friends, your school, and your community.

APPLICANT: What does that have to do with your wardrobe?

HARBAUGH: Nothing, but it's great advice. And since you brought it up, don't wear anything green or red.

APPLICANT: Got it. The job posting mentioned your calendar.

HARBAUGH: That's right. And you'd have to remind me when we get closer to October 20th. And November 24th. The last person to interview made some crack about not having to work on December 1st.

APPLICANT: That was rude. I have a different question: If you were to leave Michigan for the NFL, would you retain your assistant?

Harbaugh, even more frustrated and disappointed than before, though still in equal parts, points to a different sign, which reads, THOSE WHO STAY WILL BE CHAMPIONS.

HARBAUGH: I'm not going anywhere. But I'm always going somewhere. Hey, write that down. It's gold.

APPLICANT: No, coach. It's better than gold. It's maize.

HARBAUGH: You're hired.