NORMAN, OK—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the fuck up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Oklahoma dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live goldfish. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live goldfish per weekend significantly reduces the risk of being a complete gash,” said Sigma Chi rush chair and dietary researcher Cody Wilson, adding that this was something everyone else had to do if they wanted in, so you should just quit acting like such a bitch and open your goddamn whiny mouth. “Live fish is rich in essential shut up and fucking do it, and an excellent source of walk your pussy ass over to Delta if you’re not going to swallow it, you pansy. In a longitudinal study of three previous pledge classes, 100 percent of freshman survived aside from Rhett, and anyway that was totally an accident, so seriously, just fucking eat it already so we can buzz the strippers in.” At press time, Wilson confirmed that those not swallowing live goldfish when they were fucking good and well told to were several times more likely to suffer a major beatdown.

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