Government Approved Periodic Table of Kink

You’d think the government had enough on its plate, what with trying to strengthen the economy and all. However, in the latter part of 2014, it seems that there was still time to address the much more pressing (it would seem) issue of what we should, or rather, be watching in our spare time! [caption id="attachment_1499" align="alignright" width="400"] Government Approved Periodic Table of Kink[/caption] You guessed it; we’re talking about pornographic material here! On Tuesday 1 December, the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 introduced a series of restrictions on the pornography produced and sold in the UK. Now video on demand must adhere to the same strict criteria as DVDs, movies and TV shows. As a result, a number of sexual acts have been deemed too ‘harmful’ or ‘dangerous’ for us to watch, and have thus been banned from our screens altogether (if produced/provided in the UK). The UK is now subject to some of the most severe content restrictions in Europe. So, what do you think has got big Dave’s knickers all in a twist? Strangely, one act labelled as ‘harmful’ is squirting! That’s right folks; it seems our government takes severe umbrage at the thought of a womanenjoying herself. Many activities that we would perhaps consider to be much more taboo, such as bukkake and anal stretching, have not even been addressed by this new amendment. In fact, the list itself seems to be completely random, with female ejaculation deemed ‘unacceptable’, but male ejaculation considered customary, whether on the face, breasts, feet, bum or anywhere else for that matter. Would you believe that spanking has even made it onto this infamous inventory? Additionally, fisting is classed as a life threatening act, but only where all 5 knuckles are inserted. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather take 5 knuckles from a small hand than three or four from a big one! Want to know why this new legislation has come about? Well, in a supposed bid to protect youngsters under the age of 18, this misguided and somewhat sexist regulation simply serves to harm the UK media industry, making it uncompetitive within the EU. In fact, in order to gain access to these online videos the viewer must have either a credit card or Paypal account, neither of which is possible under the age of 18. If a minor is somehow gaining access to either of these it needs to be addressed, but by their parents, not the pornographic industry. Here at UberKinky we see this rather as a moral objection/judgement about certain activities, and ultimately a threat to our civil liberties, which comes under the guise of being in our best interests. The measures that have been put in place will fail to stop us from watching our chosen genre of porn, because videos are still available from providers and servers outside the UK. But, in addition to harming the UK media industry, the legislation is likely to cause a greater stigma towards BDSM, fetishes and activities that are not considered to be the societal ‘norm’, force people to become less open about their sexual preferences, and even ruin people’s livelihoods. Some people have been forced to shut down websites that they have been working on for years. So, who are we harming by watching these videos? No-one! The acts are consensual and performed safely. Doesn’t it really say much more about our government’s attitude towards sex than anything? After all, horror film franchises contain much more harmful material in them, and they are readily and easily accessible. Now, with the new pornographic laws in place, we decided to update our UberKinky Periodic Table of Kink to reflect this. So Check out our all new Government Approved Periodic Table of Kink today and find out which of your favourite fetishes have been outlawed! Remember; it’s better to educate than regulate... “Pornography is the canary in the coalmine of free speech: it is the first freedom to die. If this assault on liberty is allowed to go unchallenged, other freedoms will fall as a consequence.”