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1. Gear Up, Player

Most instructors will probably agree that golf is 25 percent skill, 40 percent mental, and 35 percent appearance. Oh, you put up a 75 while wearing some Hilfiger? Good try, clown. It basically doesn’t count. The only thing your buds will remember is that you disrespected the game with some weak gear. That’s cool that you can keep the ball down under the wind with a punch shot, but you look like a butthead wearing that Puma flat bill. All Nike everything or GTFO.

2. Shot Selection

A. Flop Or Die

If you don’t have a flop shot, don’t bother showing up. At least half your shots from 30 yards or less should be sand wedges with the face wide the fuck open. Why? 1. Flops go way up in the air and leave marks on the green, and 2. it’s way more understandable if you blade a flop as opposed to blading a bump and run. Stick it close, big dog.

B. Suck My Deck

Four words, five syllables: driver off the deck. Play it a few inches behind your left foot and don’t be afraid to hit down on it. Sure, you may top one, but your playing partners will respect you for attempting the shot. Remember, respect is earned.

C. Pin Seeker

Finally, go after every pin. You didn’t pay $45 and burn half your Sunday to just put it on the green. You need to birdie every hole, and you can’t expect to do that if you’re constantly putting from 15 feet. Grow a pair.

3. Overall Attitude And Demeanor

A. Public Course

No matter where you’re playing, you need to posture hard at all times. If it’s a muni, strike up a conversation with the pro and say, “I didn’t even know this course was here, and I’ve lived here all my life.” Make sure you compliment the staff on how good the greens look for a public course. If you blade one out of a bunker, make sure you point out that the trap wasn’t even raked, and it’s not even real sand. If someone asks if you’re going to rake the “sand,” apologize and say, “I thought they had people for that.” Oh, and make sure you repeatedly provide unsolicited anecdotes about your home course, even if you don’t really have one.

B. Country Club

If you’re at your home club, it’s important that you belittle it at all times. Make sure all staff members know how good the club used to be. Even though you’re only three years removed from college, voice your displeasure about all the kids they’re letting in these days. If you’re a guest at a friend’s place, find out what he’s paying in dues. Tell him that’s a little less than you pay, even if he didn’t ask.

4. Cart Girl Game

Take it from me, there’s nothing a 20-year-old babe loves more than a 30-something who barely breaks 90 asking for her digits. After you’re good and boozed up, pry into her personal life and find out if she has a boyfriend. Throw out some good vibes by asking what she majors in. No matter what she says, tell her you have some contacts in your network if she’s looking for an internship. Slide her a biz card and tell her to shoot you a résumé. Don’t have a business card? You never had a chance.

The game is out there, and it’s either play or get played..