DEVILS NEVER CRY BUT YOU MAY BREAK DOWN: A CAUTIONARY TALE. FEATURING DANTE.

There’s a lot going on these days - war, gambling, people who need to keep their mouths shut about underground gambling - but one of the worst things plaguing society is a son of a bitch that’s got everyone talking because he won’t leave well enough alone:



Dante.

“It was horrible”, a local mother who asked not to be identified said. “It was little Credo’s nameday party, and he was so happy to finally have something to celebrate. He lost his father after he thought a red bomb was a ball and tried to kick it, and we were really hoping this party would cheer him up. We even ordered from Stellazio Pizzeria! But just before the party was set to start, we heard a voice yell ‘BREAKDOWN!’ from outside our house before kicking the door clean off its hinges.” The mother sobbed for several minutes before continuing the somber tale: “When Credo asked if he was there for the party, this red-coated menace yelled ‘GO TO HELL!’ and stole Credo’s pizza! Then he kicked our dog and stole my fourth husband’s ashes!”



Since that first attack, Dante has been reported appearing wherever there’s a party - and while he seems to be particularly drawn to any party where pizza is served, showing no qualms about crashing weddings, christenings or even funerals and wakes!

“He’s a menace!” local meat tenderizer R’awky Belbo (who insisted on being identified) told The Crucible. “I’m celebrating the anniversary of adopting my pet gigantoad, Hoary, when this loudmouthed prick yells ‘ARE YOU READY?!’ and whips this sword out of nowhere! He stabs poor Hoary like, a million times and yells something about ‘sick style’ before running off again! Do you have any idea how hard it is to de-venom a gigantoad?!”



Witnesses are describing Dante multiple different ways, and even as multiple races, but the consistent traits include a large red coat and shock white hair of about medium length. He is stated to carry a rapier in the manner of a red mage, a bigass claymore like the dark knights do, and some eyewitnesses insist he also carries multiple guns. This is, however, too strange a combination to be true.

Reports that Dante is affiliated with an unnamed competitor to Stelazzio are as of yet unconfirmed, but the fact they exist means they must be true - pizza’s a dangerous business. Further rumors that Stelazzio have secretly hired Dante’s twin brother in blue to hunt and kill him to save their company are similarly unconfirmed.

A competing theory is that Dante is some sort of maniac with a bloated ego intent on being seen by as many people as possible - reports have poured in of him appearing in the backgrounds of stories, book covers, even paintings. It’s as of yet unclear if this is an act of vandalism or some sort of magic. It’s probably magic, though.

Regardless of his origin or the specifics of his appearance, one thing is certain: Dante is a menace who must be stopped. That being said, there are precautions our readers can take:

“I guess I just panicked,” reported professional chocobo sniffer Mommault Teceur. “He was somehow managing to hit on my wife and eat three slices of pizza at the same time, but when I yelled ‘Demon!’ and pointed at him, he looked behind him, said “LOOKS LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A PARTY!” and burst out through the wall behind him, weapons drawn. I heard a whole lot of different people screaming outside, but he didn’t come back to my house so I guess I won?”



You heard it here first, folks. If you’re about to feature Dante, the best thing to do is point in a random direction and claim that there’s voidsent that way. It seems the only thing this bizarre man cares about more than ruining parties and eating pizza is killing demons.

Is that a fair trade? Or should we be banding together to stop him? Is that even a question?

What do you think, reader?

Anthony Hawke has a lot of money riding on when Dante bites off more than he can chew and gets killed for it.

Twitter || Facebook || Patreon

