Your problem lies here: your focus is wanting to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. It seems as if you can acknowledge that the kinks you indulge in are problematic and unhealthy on a personal level, so it stems to reason that you can acknowledge how they are harmful on a global/societal level. I am glad to hear you are working on it. You deserve support, and we are here to help you with that. Many of us have been previously involved in BDSM/kink and understand how harmful it can be. We are not here to judge you. Although we condemn BDSM as a whole, we do not condemn the women who are victims of it. What we do condemn are women and men who insist that the practice of BDSM is acceptable, feminist, or empowering in any way.

You should not place your emphasis on “not feeling shamed.” BDSM is shameful. It normalizes and sexualizes violence. No one has a right to engage in BDSM, and feminists are not doing anyone a disservice by calling for it’s end. The right “balance” as you have said is to liberate women from BDSM, and help them understand that they do not deserve to be the victims of rape culture and sexualized male violence. Being aware of something being problematic is not enough. You must dedicate yourself to stop engaging in the problematic nature.





-Abigail