According to the publisher, the yet-untitled book will contain “hilarious, irreverent, and deeply relatable personal essays, fictional stories, poems, opinions, and more.” Though to hear Bloom tell it, readers may be in for something far more epic…

“I can’t wait to write this sordid tell-all book in which I plan to put my enemies on blast and, on the flip side, elevate those who are loyal to me to the status of gods among men,” Bloom says in a release. “You will learn about my 15 divorces, multiple lip transplants and all the details of that fateful night I whispered to George R.R. Martin, ‘What if you wrote a thing about royalty and zombies and it was also super cold?’ When this book appears on shelves, only the worthy may read it; the rest who dare lay eyes on even the introduction will instantly melt into the earth. Also, there may be an embarrassing story about my period, LOL :)”