U.S. Reports Largest One-Day Increase In Cases Of Trump Derangement Syndrome

U.S.—America suffered its highest one-day increase in cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome yesterday, adding 317,259 new cases. This brought the number of U.S. cases to roughly 59 million, while worldwide cases of the deadly disease increased to 110 million.

The peak in cases was brought on by President Trump’s growing urgency to reopen the economy and allow people to go back to work. Scholars have noted that this is equivalent to slavery.

With the sharp increase in Trump Derangement Syndrome, U.S. officials see no real timeline for reopening the minds of Democrats nationwide. “We can’t take any chances here,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said. “It could take months. It could take years. What we may see is the gradual reopening of Democrat minds on a state-by-state basis.”

While some statistics have suggested a plateau in cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome, other sources suggest the increase in cases has just begun.

“Our models have been quite accurate from day one,” claimed Ron Whitley of the University of Washington. “And we don’t see a peak here. Our data suggests a slow increase in cases through the summer, and then a big peak in cases about November 4 or so.”

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