Adapted from the Fall 2010 Big Black Book, which you can order with a year's subscription to Esquire for less than fifteen bucks right here.

The College Kid

How you can tell:

Reads the specials off a piece of paper.

Beware:

His recommendations. He's repeating what the manager told him to push.

The Starving Artist

How you can tell:

Those tattoos he's attempting to cover up.

Beware:

Ordering anything too complicated. He hasn't slept in three days.

The Employee of the Month

How you can tell:

Sings "Happy Birthday" at the drop of a hat.

Beware:

Speaking ill of him. He is always lurking, ready to serve.

The Lifer

How you can tell:

Doesn't need to write anything down.

Beware:

Talking down to him. The man's got a killer memory and he knows best.

The Cocktail Waitress

How you can tell:

She asks what you're drinking.

Beware:

Falling too hard for her. She's been flirting with you for one reason: tips.

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