WASHINGTON—Saying he was already dealing with low energy and persistent hunger pangs, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday his rift with Donald Trump was not at all what he needed right in the middle of a 14-day cleanse. “I’m on day eight of a strict liquid-only regimen, and a feud with my own party’s presumptive presidential nominee is the last thing I could use right now,” said the Wisconsin Republican, who after only consuming water mixed with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for a week no longer had the mental or physical capacity to try to reach a compromise that would unify his splintering party. “This whole thing was supposed to make me more calm and centered, but now I’ve got to take meetings with everyone in Trump’s camp and come up with a plan to bring all sides together before the general election campaign gets into full swing, all while my blood sugar’s crashing.” At press time, Ryan had reportedly become so aggravated by Trump’s latest statements on tax policy that he needed to blow off steam with an emergency 45-minute Bowflex session.

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