1. Stock up on sweets and treats really early so they’re off by Halloween and the children get really ill.

2. Open the door dressed as Jimmy Savile with Gary Glitter songs playing in the background to deter parents.

3. Demand a trick then spend the next 10 minutes lambasting the kids for it being so utterly fucking shit.

4. Inject toffees with cyanide in advance.

5. Pound shops usually have fantastic deals on sweets. Stay in one till 8pm and you’ll miss the little cunts knocking on your door.

6. In your best elderly person voice keep shouting “help, I’ve fallen over” everytime you hear a knock at the door. That will give them a fucking scary.

7. Tell them it’s retro night. Give them each 2p and call them cheeky little twats.

8. Follow them home and knock on their door as soon as they get in.

9. Look really confused, keep prodding the youngest trick or treater of the group and telling the rest it’s a shit Guy, and that it’s not even bonfire night yet.

10. Go out for the night.

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