Trump Requests Impeachment Trial By Combat

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress’s impeachment inquiry got off to a slow start, with a bunch of people just droning on about “quid pro quo” or something, but things soon got exciting when President Trump marched into the hearing wielding a broadsword and announced, “I demand trial by combat!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi then explained to the president that they hadn’t actually determined whether there would be a trial yet, but Trump was undeterred, once again bellowing, “Trial by combat!”

An argument ensued over whether such a thing was allowed, but Trump insisted, “It’s right there in the Constitution. I can have a trial by combat.” Everyone at the hearing admitted they had never actually read the Constitution so they couldn’t verify what Trump had said, but many agreed that it “sounds like something that would be in the Constitution” since the Constitution is “very old.”

“My weapon of choice will be a shotgun,” Trump said, tossing his ceremonial broadsword to the side. “And I will face your strongest.” He looked around the room and settled on Representative Adam Schiff. “That guy. His weapon will be a paddle ball.”

“You don’t get to choose your opponent and his weapons,” Pelosi responded. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how this works.”

Again, Trump was undeterred. “I’m going to go load my shotgun.” He stared at Schiff. “Be ready.” And then Trump left the hearing.

It’s unclear whether the trial by combat will actually happen, as Schiff is now missing. If it does occur, it’s expected to be a ratings bonanza for C-SPAN.

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