DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are on every major broadcast and cable network, and what’s more, they’ve been on persistently for days. If I could build that kind of buzz around my name, I’d turn against guns this second,” said Loesch, marveling at prominent young activist Emma González’s 1.44 million Twitter followers before mentally drafting a statement that could convincingly frame a strong moral stance on the issue of gun control. “Man, if I could just get one killer anti-gun sound bite out there—or, hell, maybe even just something about my own worries as a mother—I’d actually make it onto some real news networks instead of just NRATV. I’d even shut my goddamned mouth for six minutes and 20 seconds if those minutes were on CBS.” At press time, Loesch was carefully reviewing each of 2018’s mass shootings to decide which of the 69 she could plausibly credit for her sudden change of heart.

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