Thought Catalog has some funny little quirks, and articles about eating pussy keep coming up as “related” on my posts. Maybe because I’m such a cunt? At any rate, I spent some time reading them, and they were rather interesting. Commenters had a rage fest when the “feminist” man said he refused to eat pussy because it’s gross. Commenters were unhappy with a woman’s instructions, because they simply aren’t universal. Every woman is different.

This is a little out of my oeuvre, but I thought I would try my hand explaining to women how to teach a man what you like while respecting him as a person and not being a huge bitch about it. The barky “do this, do that” drill sergeant approach seems designed to keep you forever single. The key words you need to keep in mind are “respect” and “mutual.”

1. Remove your pubic hair

Just do it. Preferably with wax. If you’re going to shave, make sure you are freshly shaved. Having your face scraped to shreds by prickly stubble is not fun for anyone, man or woman. Removing your pubic hair demonstrates respect in a number of ways. First of all, no one likes hair in their food, period. Second, your man will have a better view of what he’s doing. Third, presenting soft, smooth skin is testimony to the fact you want him to experience pleasure while giving pleasure., and you are willing to make a personal sacrifice to ensure that happens. And don’t even give me that “pedophilia” crap. Why do you think men shave their faces? Does preferring a man with a smooth jaw means you secretly lust after 11 year old boys? Of course not.

Grooming. Yes, it’s mandatory, at least for the first time. And by first time, I mean the first time a man is going down on you. Every woman likes different things, and you are responsible for communicating what you like. It’s not his job to figure that out on his own. Your body, your choice, your responsibility.

2. Show, don’t tell

Words like “firm”, “fast”, “hard” and “slow” are too open to interpretation to be particularly useful when it comes to such delicate work. It’s much better to show him what you like, with the added bonus of never sounding like a demanding harpy. Luckily, a man’s body comes equipped with a feature that can be used to demonstrate the pressure, speed and intensity you personally like.

His nipple.

“This is what I like,” said in a whisper followed by your preferences spelled out with your own tongue across his body is an excellent way to teach the idiosyncrasies of your own body. And it will feel good for him too. No need to rush it. Take your time. Linger.

Just as you expect him to.

3. Take care of distractions

Your demonstration will no doubt result in a raging boner for your man, and thoughtful women take care of distractions, first. Again, make his pleasure a key part of your pleasure, and expect to be pleasured many times. He will be able to concentrate on the task at hand if you relieve him of the distraction standing at stiff attention between his legs.

Blow him first.

Yes, he gets a blowjob. Oral sex for oral sex. Of course, if he prefers a different activity, then you indulge him fully. This is about his pleasure, too, although in my experience, if a man turns down a blowjob, you may want to get some frank feedback on your technique.

4. Keep your hands on his body

Unless he’s tied you to the bedframe (at your request, of course) you should keep your hands on his body. His shoulders, neck and head. That way you can gently guide the action, although he’s probably going to be hitting the sweet spots right away, if your demonstration was good. If it’s not good, then it’s you who failed. Bring him up and try your demonstration again. Always assume that you are a bad teacher, not that he is a bad student. Never, ever be petulant, condescending or contemptuous.

That’s kind of a life rule that applies to more than just oral sex.

5. Say thank you

It doesn’t have to be the words “thank you”, although there’s nothing wrong with that. There are many ways to show gratitude. You can make noises that aren’t words but let him know just how great he was. A long, sticky, sweaty hug. Let him go when he’s had enough. Be enthusiastically grateful each and every time. Never take oral sex for granted. Never take him for granted. And invest in some vibrators so he can take a break from oral when he’s just not into it. He’ll know how to use them, because he already knows what you like.

There. Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Respect your man. Make sure the pleasure is mutual. Show gratitude. Believe me, he’ll thank you for it.