stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

a

long

silence

follows

it’s

9:17

EST

suddenly BEAR

BEAR: hey Universe what did I miss

UNIVERSE: oh nothing just LIKE AN ENTIRE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SMACKDOWN LIVE WHERE WERE YOU

BEAR: yeah see what had happened was

FIVE WEEKS AGO

DAD OF BEAR: hey Bear want to go play golf over Spring Break

BEAR: sure I love golf

TODAY

DAD OF BEAR and BEAR: let’s go golf at a course that hosts a pro golf tournament every year, surely we’ll have a chance

GOLF COURSE kills DAD OF BEAR and BEAR

BEAR: well that was a blow to my ego, but time to abridge things

DAD OF BEAR: what

BEAR: oh I do a thing for a wrestling site where - well it’s really hard to describe but

DAD OF BEAR: you know it’s fake right

BEAR sighs deeply, bangs head against nearest wall for a bit

BEAR: I prefer predetermined

DAD OF BEAR: well we need to eat and drive back home so

BEAR: I do like food and driving seems necessary, guess I’ll just be a bit late to SDL today

BEAR has a great sammich and drives home which takes longer than expected

BEAR: so that’s why I’m late, really sorry, won’t happen again, hopefully I didn’t miss anything too big

JBL, TOM: AJ’s fired now because he beat up Shane

BEAR: OH DAMMIT WHY

MOJO and DOLPH have a fight

MOJO: I am very hype

DOLPH: but maybe if I run at you really fast a bunch of times

MOJO: nah to all of them

DOLPH: k bye

MOJO: I am still very hype

apparently AJ sent SHANE’s head through a car door and I promise to never miss SDL again

NEVILLE: tonight there will be purple ropes and imma beat whoever wins the battle royale to face me at Mania

ORTON: vipers are really sneaky, imma viper, I totally tricked Bray and killed Sister Abigail even though she was already dead

UNIVERSE: yay wrestling

ORTON: imma finish Bray off at Mania

suddenly flashing black-and-white stuff

BRAY: I came back home to see it, Abigail’s fine because she was forged in Hell or something and now I’m even more powerful, you are very dead at Mania

BRAY rubs ABIGAIL’s ashes all over himself, this is somehow really awesome

VIDEO: member when Baron beat up Dean last week with a forklift

BARON stares dreamily at the nearest forklift

INTERVIEWER: hey Baron, you beat up Dean last week, how bout that

BARON: I beat up Dean and if he wants to fight me at Mania imma beat him up again

ALPHA and USOS have a fight

USOS: we’re a really good tag team

ALPHA: nah we’re a really good tag team

suddenly VIDEO shows SHANE leaving someplace and going somewhere else

UNIVERSE: welp guess this tag match doesn’t matter

ALPHA: yep, just gonna do the usual awesome athletic double-team stuff

USOS: k our turn, pin to Jordan

JORDAN: nah

JIMMY/JEY: chokehold then

JORDAN: I do not like this chokehold

suddenly VIDEO of SHANE not leaving someplace

JBL: apparently Shane’s coming to the ring

GABLE: um a match is happening, have some offense and a pin

JIMMY/JEY: nah

JORDAN: well maybe I can-

JIMMY/JEY: nah, superkick and pin

USOS won but what about SHANE tho

suddenly SHANE

SHANE: imma fight AJ at Mania

UNIVERSE: k

BEAR: hey Universe are we still tight

seriously guys, sorry