DES MOINES, IA—Cutting off his chief strategist midway through a daily meeting to express his unwillingness to continue the deception much longer, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked advisors Wednesday how much longer he has to go through the routine of acting confused and doddering in order to avoid criticism. “Please, guys, I’m so tired of putting on this whole song-and-dance of stumbling over my words at every public appearance and painfully wincing so it seems like I’ve completely forgotten a foreign leader’s name,” said the presumptive frontrunner, looking at each and every one of his advisors with clear, thoughtful eye contact, while stressing that although his consistent lead in polling showed the strategy had worked spectacularly to shield him from any critique of his record, he also longed to drop this “entire frail-old-man act” and speak to audiences in full sentences that allowed him to robustly articulate his vision for restoring America’s soul. “Just give me a date when I can start fully enunciating my words in TV spots. That’s all. Obviously, I can keep doing the simple stuff like biting my wife’s finger or challenging audience members to push-up contests seemingly out of nowhere. I know you think that’s helpful. I get that it would sink me in the polls if I were held accountable for past statements and actions, but frankly it’s just exhausting to be constantly acting this mentally confused when I know I can be so much stronger out there.” At press time, Biden was begging his advisors to at least never again make him punch himself midway through a debate to give the appearance of his eye filling up with blood.

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