Is There a Healthy Ego?

You don’t have to become a monk to nurture an ego that helps you to reach your full potential in modernity.

It is incredible that despite today’s more comfortable, safer, and economically stronger world, we are less happy, less peaceful, and more anxious.

Now, the ego plays an important role in this misery.

In this article, I’ll share my key learnings after interviewing monks, extensive psychology research, 300 hours of personal meditation practice and running meetups with 200+ people.

All with the goal to give you some powerful insights to nurture a healthy ego that serves you.

Before we get to this, what is the ego anyway?

An empty cup = an empty ego?

To illustrate what the ego is I’ll share a story with you.

Photo by Sidney M. on Unsplash

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868–1912), received a University professor, who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”

“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

This is what your ego is. A cup full of opinions and speculations that you have been filling over the years about who you think you are.

This process starts early on in our lives.

We are born, get a name, a personality, a genetic code.

All with the purpose to protect ourselves and survive in society.

Unfortunately, this self-protection mechanism is responsible for a lot of suffering in the world.

When the ego becomes a problem

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Today’s definition of the “ego” often refers to the levels of which one thinks highly of one’s self. And this can go in two directions.

The weak ego

Here we think very low about our own self-worth and beat ourselves up with thoughts like,

I am not attractive enough

I am not smart enough

I am not good enough

This is referred to as having a weak ego, which comes with anxieties, fears, and low levels of happiness and peace.

On the other side of the spectrum…

The big ego

Here we think very highly of ourselves accompanied with a lot of self-confidence, pride, and the following thoughts,

I am better than others

I am here to win and beat everyone

I am proving to the world that I am capable

This is often referred to as having a big ego.

Now, for both scenarios, the weak and the big ego, the self is based on a very shaky foundation and it is constantly looking for ways to reassure itself and cover up insecurities.

This validation mechanism almost always takes place in the outside world, e.g. through more status, more wealth, more power, more success, and overall more approval through others.

Photo by Cindy Tang on Unsplash

The problem is, once this external validation is missing or once we face resistance, the ego can become very noisy in several ways,

Making everything about us

Defending us constantly in front of others

Bragging about achievements

Talking way more than listening

Not forgiving ourselves and other people

Not asking for help or favors

Overall, a noisy ego stops us from reaching our full potential as we don’t take a realistic perspective on life, push away opportunities to grow, and miss chances to build meaningful connections.

So, in order to avoid this, let’s just kill the ego?!

The ego death — Do we want this?

Monks that have been practicing meditation for many years evolve towards a point where they experience an extreme oneness with other people, the world, and subsequently the universe. The ego quiets and in some traditions the goal is even to dissolve the ego completely. Often called, the enlightened Buddha mind.

To study the Buddha Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to perceive ones self as all things. — Genjo Koan

I experience this beauty of oneness in my own meditations by moving from the “I” to the “we”. It is not a permanent state, which is ok, as most of us are no monks and don’t plan to become one.

However, we can take the monk lifestyle as an inspiration to lower the voice of the ego so that it navigates us through work, relationships, and any kind of situation in a meaningful and enriching way.

How to develop a quiet and healthy ego

A quiet ego indicates healthy self-esteem, one that acknowledges one’s own limitations and is not afraid to show vulnerability and thus doesn’t need to constantly resort to defensiveness whenever it is threatened, and yet has a firm sense of self-worth and competence.

Qualities of such an ego are being less judgmental, less illusionary, with fewer boundaries between you and the rest of the world.

In the following, I share five steps to reach a more quiet ego.

Step 1: Realize the world does not revolve around you

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Just the fact that you are on this planet is such an incredibly unlikely event with very little involvement of yourself.

You have been born = no influence.

You have been taken care of to grow = no influence.

You have been gathering a mind that was created through education, events, people, and other external entities with way less involvement than you think.

In addition, many opportunities in your life have been given by others.

And this is true for everyone else on this planet.

We thrive through connection and collaboration.

In Africa, there is a concept known as ‘Ubuntu’ — the profound sense that we are human only through the humanity of others; that if we are to accomplish anything in this world it will in equal measure be due to the work and achievement of others. — Nelson Mandela

Step 2: Acknowledge your insecurities to stop defending yourself

Photo by Bernard on Unsplash

We all have insecurities.

The only way to overcome them is to accept who you are with both your beautiful and less beautiful sides and behaviors.

Only if you see yourself the way you are, you will stop blaming somebody else or your circumstances but instead, you’ll take responsibility to change.

Heidi Wayment and her colleagues have been developing a “quiet ego” research program grounded in Buddhist philosophy and humanistic psychology and call this Detached Awareness,

Those with a quiet ego have an engaged, nondefensive form of attention to the present moment. They attempt to see reality as clearly as possible. This requires openness and acceptance to whatever one might discover about the self or others in the present moment and letting the moment unfold as naturally as possible.

Step 3: Build a distance towards your ego

You are not your ego! You are not your thoughts and emotions.

Instead, we, humans, are conscious beings able to become aware of our thoughts and emotions.

In many yogic traditions, this is referred to as the observer position.

And by being an observer of your self you are able to make changes rather than losing yourself in the chatter of the ego.

Build a distance towards your ego

Step 4: Listen more and talk less

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new. — Dalai Lama

The more you listen to people, the more you’ll understand the perspective of another person and find a way to deeply connect.

Wayment calls this Inclusive Identity,

By reflecting on other viewpoints, the quiet ego brings attention outside the self, increasing empathy and compassion to break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity.

Step 5: Realize the self-exploration never stops

Our egos are a work in progress.

Every new experience will shape it.

Now, the more you train your self-awareness, the more you will learn about yourself to become an empowering being in this world.