Band, Audience, Venue Staff All Agree They’re Too Old for This Shit

PORTLAND, Maine — Attendees, staff, and band at a Drunk Witch show last night simultaneously all concluded that they’re just “too old for this loud music and moshing bullshit,” multiple fed up sources confirmed.

“Honestly, fuck this. It was fun for a while, but at some point, you just have to accept that this same routine multiple nights in a row wears you down,” noted Drunk Witch bass player Griffin Sansone. “I’m in my 30s for Christ’s sake, and there’s nothing wrong with just wanting to have a quiet evening in. I love playing music and our fans, but as soon as I got up there tonight and saw all these dead eyes staring at me, I just wanted to flip everyone off, go home, and binge old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ or something.”

The band’s exhaustion, stemming from countless nights on the road and sleeping in random hotels, was clearly mutual, as the crowd did not hide its own regret.

“I just don’t have it in me anymore. I used to love going to shows, but now everything seems so loud… and the second someone bumps into me, I wish I was back home in bed,” remarked attendee John Husson. “When they asked how everyone was doing tonight, I wanted to yell, ‘How the hell do you think I’m doing? It’s Monday night and I’ve been busting my ass all day,’ but I just didn’t have the energy. Ugh. I’m going to be dragging ass tomorrow and my ears will probably be ringing.”

Even venue staff, who depend on shows like this to make a living, just wanted an easy night for once.

“It’s as if I had this epiphany of what kind of life I’m leading,” said venue manager Melissa Edmonds. “I spend every night at this godforsaken shithole making sure underage kids aren’t trying to pass off fake IDs, while simultaneously dealing with the demands of the overgrown children in these bands. I used to mock people who did the whole 9-to-5 office life, but at this stage I’d kill for that. I’m 37 and I haven’t had health insurance in years.”

Sources note that while the show did proceed, guitarist Josh Hook left midway through and no one seemed to notice or care.