WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I open my mouth, they just start pouring out of me automatically,” said a combative Huckabee Sanders, contending that she cannot be held responsible for the eerie, guttural rumbling that originates in her gut and slowly works its way up to her mouth, resulting in a disturbing oratory operating outside of her conscious awareness. “It’s detestable that the press would pin the words that come out of my mouth on me. Don’t you dare question my motives by blaming me for this mysterious force using my voice to communicate with the media. Is it a demon? A machine? Could it be a tiny woman living inside my vocal cords? I don’t have the answer. All I know is that when I open my mouth, the world goes dark and then I’ll come to later with no memory whatsoever of what just happened. I’m telling you—this isn’t me.” At press time, Huckabee Sanders expressed confusion at how she was managing to say any of this at all.

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