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My legal dream team, not helping someone up when they’re down, Madcucks reads his own version of the letter, Carmen Mandiego steals comedy, flu shots are a scam, falling off a child’s bicycle ramp, Larry doesn’t wax-off at his TNS Dojo–if you know what I’m talking about, Bitcoin retirement homes, silicone ice trays, Ken White sends out the Popehat signal and knows a Morlock when he sees one, I track down the Maddox fan who I believe is responsible for all vulgar vulgar bad words directed at Mental Jess, the fate of free speech online rests in the hands of Santa Cuck, unboxing dress shirts, dominant hands, and I steal an entire podcast from Madcast Media, how’s that for irony? All that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Chicago, Chicago, Chicago. If you still haven’t bought tickets to Road Rage: Chicago on Dec 2nd at The Apollo Theater, get them while they’re jassy! Peach is going to be there to show off her pipes. Asterios is going to be there with ten lawyers up his ass, and of course your pal furry, lovable Madcucks will be there to drop the nuclear goss bomb and litigate anyone who makes fun of him for it. Bring your questions for Coach, bring your best bits for Mike Stand, and bring your cash for the bar because it is cash only, but first…

The law is a lot like a woman. We all have a perfect version of it in our heads that will never match reality, we’ll all settle for a 7 when we’re drunk and a 5 when we’re desperate, it never sucks our dick as much as we want it to, and it’s always more expensive than we planned. That’s old lady law for you, blind to how nice of a guy you are–look at all the laws you have been obeying so far! And routinely falling for the bad boy with a dog bite attorney who is just using her to fuck with someone’s job. I think the metaphor is getting mixed up, but my point is, when I want advice on either, I’ll ask a pimp. Everyone else is talking shit.

Since Maddox filed his career-ending $400,000,000.00 lawsuit against everyone associated with this show and their employers and their pets, several actual lawyers and legal scholars–people who have done more than watch “The People vs. Larry Flynt”, have weighed in on the first amendment and its application to this case. Here is my favorite summary.

In short, the first amendment is a private business. It can do whatever it wants. How’s that for irony?

Ken White from Popehat.com sends out the Popehat signal to get Asterios some legal help in New York and defend free speech against Maddox’s “frivolous” and “vexatious” and “obviously written by a guy with a small dick” lolsuit. I was thrilled to hear this at first because I’ve known about Ken for some time. Was he a secret DickHead? I thought. Then I read the article…

“Let me preface this with my biases: I hate everyone in this case. I hate their ethos. I hate their culture. I hate how they pollute American discourse.”

Not a great start, but you know what they say about people on the internet: first they ignore you, then they mock you, then they hate you, then they are you. At least, I thought, Ken will see a glimmer of humanity in the people who support the show and the comedians around it. It’s teamwork that makes the dreamwork. It’s really the listeners who are responsible for things like Road Rage and Santa Cuck and The Lost Episodes and the Restraining Order saga.

“Based on a representative sample I hate their fans.”

Oh.

“They are the groin flop-sweat of wretched post-modernity, the web’s genetic-cul-de-sac Morlocks gaping dumbly at the slimy shrill-voiced megaphones of the parties to this case.”

Well, after reading Ken’s Friars Club roast of me and this show, I’m convinced that we do have one thing in common. No matter if you’re the “Picasso of Swearing” or if you only use words that cost more than a dollar, we are all fans of seeing someone get rekt. How’s that for irony?

Sincerely, thank you to Ken and everyone who helped Asterios. As we all know, I am a demon who feeds on memes and free market inefficiencies, so I will always be okay, but Asterios has no supernatural powers that I am aware of. He needs help.

Maddox’s lolsuit was written about in a number of places, Silicon Angle being one of them. And some profoundly stupid people, like backpedalling scumbag MundaneMatt, have also made videos on it. And in this case, the two have been paired together! For the life of me I cannot figure out why a news organization would embed an opinion-based commentary video about a news item wherein the host claims he’s not only uninformed on the subject but also biased toward one side because they’re “bros”, but here you have it!

Apparently, some people were equally confused; enough to cause the writer a vexatious 2-3 day torrent of unimaginable suffering by email! Here is the email thread I referenced in the show between a DickHead and reporter Duncan Riley. I have no idea if this unprofessional exchange actually happened, nor did I post it to Imgur. I’m simply reporting on it here by linking to the document and without fact-checking it at all. How’s that for irony?

TheDecentGuyShow sends in some damning evidence against Maddox’s lolsuit in the form of The Biggest Problem in the Universe Episode 109 wherein Maddox preaches about the impossibility of online harassment. How’s that for irony? After listening to this, I understand why lawyers keep telling me I should be keeping my big fucking mouth shut about this case before I completely blow it. Vote up The Concept of Shooting Yourself in the Dick by LARPing as Some Hard-Ass, Badass Pirate Online When in Reality You’re a Half a Billion Dollar Lolsuit-Dropping, Career-Harikari’ing, Job-Lynch Mobbing Jabroni.



Check out TheDecentGuyShow for plenty more where that came from!

Since this episode was recorded, Elay Arson and many recording artists from The Dick Show decided to be doers and not suers by banding together and creating a charity album to help Asterios with his legal defense fund. They call it “AsteriosAid: Sounds of Spite”. Unsurprisingly for musicians of this caliber, the album released at #1 on the Bandcamp comedy charts and has maintained its position ever since, peaking at #12 overall! Next week, we’ll discover if Asterios’ antics cracked the Billboard charts yet again. You can listen and buy–or buy and listen to the album below.

Asterios Aid: The Sounds of Spite by Various Artists

Hazencruz sends in “Wasn’t He Iconic” with the longest sponsor-killing beep in history. Don’t let Harry’s get ahold of the original!



Closing remix by Djentleman, the man with the golden name.



Dick Pics!



Crime-stopping gumshoe thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



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