No mustard for this guy.

You know who fucks up burgers more than anyone else in the world? Australians. Australia has no idea what a burger is. They put a fried egg on their burger. They put canned beetroot on it, like a wedge of it. I am not joking you. This is how they eat their burger.

Fresh off his stint judging a maybe-not-so-well-organized Budwesier burger competition, Momofuku head honcho David Chang is laying into those who dare commit crimes against the storied hamburger. In a “Burger Manifesto,” Chang praises the purity of a White Castle slider, but opts to largely bypass the standard here’s-what-I-love conversation and instead rails against the things he can’t stand on burgers: any leafy green other than iceberg (“Don’t give me mesclun or any of that shit”), mustard ("Mustard is too spicy. Get that shit out of there”), and most other fancy toppings ("save the truffles for a dish you can’t eat at a rest stop”).

But the absolute worst burger crimes, Chang writes, are committed in Australia. The chef, who has a Momofuku outpost in Sydney, doesn’t mince words: