Look, I understand where the Prime Minister’s coming from on this one.

This quota thing? Quite a big deal when you think about it, really. Has your eye ever been caught by a delicious treat? Something you really love, like a dark chocolate Tim Tam? And have you ever gone to eat that treat, only to discover that all it contains is a rusty hook, one that will drag you headfirst into a hostile environment where you can’t breathe and everyone’s trying to beat you with shoes?

If you’ve ever been on camp with an all-boys school, you probably have.

But I haven’t, and I don’t want to.

So you’d think that I, as a snapper, would be pretty invested in Nathan Guy’s plan to slightly reduce the statistical chance of that happening to me or yet another one of my countless out-of-wedlock children.

But I’m rather more concerned about spying, actually.

Don’t ask me why. It doesn’t really make any sense. Theoretically, I should be far more worried about the possibility of my imminent demise at the hands of men out in a boat together trying to escape their wives because they’re secretly attracted to their best mate Pete.

But something about this spying business just bugs me. I hate the idea that one day, someone could be tapping away at their keyboard, innocently chatting to a 13-year-old girl they met on the internet, and then suddenly get arrested because the Government found out they told her how to make a bomb.

It hasn’t happened yet, but it could. I should know; I’m New Zealand’s number one game fish.

Now, I know what John Key’s going to say when he reads this. He’s going to say “But he’s not a real New Zealander. He’s just a fish. How did he learn to write?” The arrogance.

But it raises a question, doesn’t it? Who is a New Zealander? Are fish New Zealanders? If not all fish, what about native fish? Are pets New Zealanders? Is Kim Dotcom a New Zealander? Or does “New Zealander” just encompass all non-animal sentient life that isn’t in prison or mentally retarded?

And what do New Zealanders think? Do they really think that murdering me for my flesh is more important than the potential for the Government to spy on their everyday interactions with one another? Or are they actually more concerned about their privacy than John makes out?

Or, alternatively, could it be that “New Zealander” is a wholly amorphous term that actually refers to a diverse collective of people, some of whom are concerned about privacy, others of whom are concerned about their Maybelline? Could it be that “New Zealanders” is a term continuously and cynically misappropriated by both sides of any given debate to artificially narrow all perspectives into a simple yes-or-no proposition, whereafter the simplified majority will subsume the simplified minority, thereby earning the right to be referred to as “everyone”?

I don’t know. What do I know? I’m just New Zealand’s number one game fish.

Glug glug glug. Splish. Splash. Snap.