Mike Pence Successfully Completes Gay Conversion Therapy

Dec 26, 2018

Anti-gay advocate Mike Pence successfully completed his gay conversation therapy today.

“Fact: Gay conversion works,” said the newly reformed gay Vice President. “If it worked on me, it can work on anyone. Isn’t that right, Mother?” [Note: Pence refers to his wife as Mother.]

His announcement has surprised nobody. Pence has long advocated the use federal funding to treat gays seeking to change their sexual behavior. And as everyone knows, those who preach anti-anything with vitriolic hostility are the ones who struggle most with it. With great internal struggle, comes great external fight.

People such as George Rekers of the Family Research Council, megachurch anti-gay minister Eddie Long, and GOP anti-gay candidates Steve Wiles, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Glenn Murphy Junior, Phillip Hinkle, Bruce Barkley, Bob Allen, Larry Craig, and Edward Schrock have all been caught with gay prostitutes or lovers.

“In the past, I weaved elaborate rules to put a border wall around my homosexual desires,” said Pence. “For example, I would never dine with others without Mother present. I would never have a drink with others without Mother present. So I would never have sex with other men without Mother present. But one day I realized the wall didn’t work. I can't always control what’s around me. I had to accept my true nature within.”

And by accepting his true nature, he meant changing it. This year, he finished gay conversion therapy, which involved group deconstruction activities with other strapping young men, and harrowing electroshock treatments.

“It was 100% successful,” said Pence. “Just as black is white, believe me, there is zero gay inside of me now. Isn’t that right, Mother? Mother?”

But his wife was nowhere to be seen. And suddenly it was just Mike Pence and I—a silver fox myself, often mistaken for Sean Connery, but more elegant—we were alone together, concluding this passionate interview. I looked into his sparkling eyes. He looked into mine. Except it wasn’t our eyes. We seemed to gaze into our infinite potential, together, this is crazy, might this be? We had what a believer might call a “religious experience.” And from his lips I heard him whisper, with moist electric breath, “Mother…”