American racing impresario GENE HAAS explains why he’s serious about entering F1

Howdy race fans,

I’m Gene Haas, owner of the best Goddam NASCAR team in America. A short while ago I was exposed to a dangerous gas leakage at my racoon rendering facility and this gave me one hell of an idea. I, Gene Haas, would enter Formula 1.

I said to myself, Gene, ain’t nothin’ those lousy Socialist bastards in Europe can teach the inventor of the cheese carburetor. You get yo’self over there and give those limp assed liberal sons of bitches a taste of the United States of Freedom. Then I passed out.

Laterwhiles, I made a call to a guy called L’il Bernie and he said, sure thing Gene. You can come and race in Formula 1, jus’ one question: You got money? I said, money? Hell son, I shit money. Sometimes literally. Doctors are still lookin’ into that.

Anywayses, L’il Bernie, he says Gene, if you got money, y’all set to race in the 2015 Formula 1 season. Hells yeah. We’s gonna come over to Yewropeland and show those Goddam latte drinkin’ bastards how we win races back here in the United States of It’s Hammer Time.

Folks might say, but Gene, you ain’t gotta V6 engine and hybrid system. Well no, cuz I’m not a communist and a homosexual. But what I do got is a V8 and a hacksaw. Thanks to the good people of Walmart and their everyday price savin’ offers, I also gotta a shit load of batteries.

Folks might alsotimes say, Gene, you ain’t gonna have no chassis in time and you gonna have to buy one from some limey-ass state health care lovin’ bastards in England or Italyland or someplace. Oh yeah? Well you ain’t seen what my cousin Willy-Sue can do with just a welder and shit ton of tubes, ‘specially if we keep him off the meth.

See, those pansy-ass Formula 1 bastards have been doin’ it wrong all these years and they gonna get a big, fat taste of triple fried justice from a team as Goddam American as apple pie, baseball and accidentally shootin’ yourself in the head. An’ trust me, cuz I tried all three.

See y’all next year. We’ll be the guys at the front holdin’ the big ass trophy. You better believe it, I’m gonna do this real good. Cuz, as my daddy always used to say, ‘Son, you really put the ass in Haas’.

Due to an error, this column was written by the wrong Gene Haas.