By Nigel J. Covington III

Sex Expert

October 17, 2018

Dear Nigel,

I walked in on my daughter when she was masturbating the other day. I was shocked, but I said nothing — I simply left the room. I have not discussed this with her or with my wife since. I don’t want to overreact, but I feel it’s also wrong to pretend like nothing happened. What should I do?

By the way I’ve been a fan of your work for the last 10 years. I faithfully read your daily columns and have followed your work dating back to your days as editor-in-chief of the prestigious National Report. I generally agree with your views and know you’ll give me the straight scoop on how I should handle my daughter.

Rick J.

Miami, Fla.

Dear Dick in Miami,

I generally don’t reply to people who seek out my advice since I don’t write a fucking advice column! You’ll do well to keep that in mind. However on rare occasions I have published a few letters that I thought were so incredibly stupid that they merited being published just for laughs. Your email qualifies as one of the most stupidest I’ve read in awhile.

I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex? It wouldn’t surprise me to learn she’s spreading her legs for older men who have an abundance of cash.

Female masturbation promotes sexual promiscuity, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and dumpster babies no one wants. So let’s consider your inability as a father to do the right thing when you walked in on her.

You claim to have walked into your daughter’s bedroom during her hot, sizzling fisting session. You admit being “shocked” by the vile and vulgar display of Satan committing unspeakable acts on your once pure and innocent little girl’s sparsely covered love muffin!

As her father, you had the responsibility to immediately act to protect your little girl. But you were unprepared, and you walked out in shame. I’m shocked you did nothing with all the facts we know today about female masturbation.

And now you write me expecting me to tell you how to fix the problem. Dick, when you walked out you missed an opportunity to teach your little girl about the evils and dangers of female masturbation. You simply failed her as her father.

If it were my daughter; I’d kick her out of the family home to protect my family’s good Christian name. I might send her off to a distant nunnery and tell friends and neighbors that she was killed in some freak accident. Perhaps the good nuns might save her from a life on the street and keep her from blowing homeless guys just for a hit off their bottle on cold nights while she’s sleeping under a bridge somewhere.

I’m sure if you’re a fan that you already know I’m a big celebrity in the No Fap Movement. If I discovered my little girl touching herself inappropriately, I would take my belt to her behind and quote scripture to her from the King Lonald Bible while smacking the evil out of her.

Next I’d ship her butt out to Safford, Arizona and enroll her in the Stop Masturbation Now Program for Wayward Sluts located on the BLUFF University campus.

Stop Masturbation Now is a highly rated and very successful program that transforms young troubled girls into proper Christian women who no longer have any urge to violate themselves.

Good luck loser,

Respectfully,

Nigel Covington,

Publisher of The Covington Report

For more information visit the Stop Masturbation Now website at www.stopmasturbationnow.org