The issue of telecommuting I find cute, removed, and academic. The reason why is because I work from home and I largely view commuting to be for the sheep and the shepherds that employ them. But as I approach my now 9th year since my last appearance in rush hour traffic, I'm so far removed from it that I see a commute much like an abused wife sees her ex-husband for the irrational, damaging, and ultimately pointless waste that he is. The only question I have is

Why do you guys commute?

You do know the technology to move all office buildings to home offices has been around since about 1998? And that in those two decades we have forced millions of people to spend billions of hours in traffic? And that commutes are not improving, consuming 52 minutes on average each day?

You're also aware I presume of the incalculable toll this is having on society? Doing some basic math for my latest essay, I've found the average worker wastes 12.5% of their waking lives, a full EIGHTH of their FREE LIVES starring at somebody else's bumper. And then there's the familial cost of divorce and broken families that come from the completely unnecessary two income family and the outsourcing of your children to daycare. I'd point out how hypocritical corporations and employers are when they claim they advocate work life balance while forcing you to commute, but you of course already know they're hypocrites because if employers really wanted to "go green" (like their CSR departments claim), then they wouldn't force millions of people to spew billions of tons of greenhouse gases in commutes every year. And exactly how much would we save on transportation budgets if we used the information super-highway and not the concrete and tar one?

You may not like my arrogant and condescending tone, but the sad truth is most people don't know why they commute, because...well...you're all just too busy commuting. You have jobs, you have your "all so important careers," you have neglected families back home, and some of you were actually stupid enough to have swallowed whole the big recruiter lie of "you get to work downtown where all the action is!!!"

So let me explain why you're still all wasting 12.5% of your free time in traffic, stressing out over your wife divorcing you, and why your kids are all on Ritalin or Adderall.

The Old Guard of Ignorant Baby Boomer Bosses

The single largest hurdle to telecommuting has been the stale, old, and ignorant belief system of a generation now approaching their 70s. Be it the gray hairs who couldn't figure out that "dagnabbit Excel," didn't "have time to train you," and more or less forced everybody to get bachelors degrees for entry level positions, the single most agitating thing ever uttered out of baby boomer bosses' mouths was:

"If I can't see you, then how do I know you're working!!!??"

I don't know why this older generation can't see the benefits of the internet. I don't know how this generation of managers, supervisors and executives have stymied what should have been the next revolution in the American economy that would free us all from commutes and allow us to raise and spend time with our families. I don't know why they've insisted on spending trillions unnecessarily on office leases.

And I don't care. The point is moot. They did.

But they're about to (bluntly) die and what few remain are retiring soon enough. Still, their close-minded, short sighted managerial culture remains and is one of the main reasons you are forced to drive to an office everyday even though you don't have to. It's simply so that simpleton boss of yours can visually see you and in his geriatric mind that means "you're working dagnabbit!"

Your Boss IS a Tyrannical Dick

Understand how bosses get ahead. Through conformance, not performance. It's why all the "elite" investment banks got caught with their pants down with the housing bubble (and Dotcom...and Asian currency crisis). It's how IBM lost Microsoft's market share. It's how Ben Franklin turned down the Walton brother's idea for this thing called "Wal-Mart." And it's how the east coast publishing firms lost to Kindle and Amazon.

Being good, obedient little slaves is what gets you ahead. NOT BEING SMART.

But being a good, obedient little slave, especially for decades, and ESPECIALLY for managers, bosses, and MBA-holders turns a lot of them into close-minded sadists. Why THEY had to fetch coffee, so so do you! And THEY had to commute in the 80's, so so do you! And given these people are of VERRRRRY average intelligence, being "the boss" and being "the man (or woman) in charge" is the single largest accomplishment of their predominantly pathetic lives. They are the big fish in the little pond. They are queen bee. And many of them simply get off on making your life miserable because...well...they sadly have nothing else in their lives.

This sad, sadistic, and petty psychology is another reason you are forced to unnecessarily commute.

Debt Slaves Can't Demand Telecommuting Privileges

There is good news, however. Telecommuting is increasing. Today about 20% of people telecommute (though not everyday), and telecommuting is growing at a decent clip. And there's, frankly, nothing that's going to stop it. The baby boomers and close-minded Gen X bosses can stammer their little feet all they want, every generation of workers after them have grown up doing everything online. And soon ALL business, commerce, and white collar work will be done online. It's simply waiting till the hold-outs die out. The only problem is that could be another 2 decades given corporate America's lethargy and sloth-like adaptability. So who gets to telecommute?

Those who don't really need the jobs and can demand telecommuting privileges.

Usually the type of people we think of with these characteristics are highly skilled individuals. Engineers, programmers, IT specialists, and other STEM related professionals. But the determining factor is those who DON'T NEED THE JOB. Those who can walk away from a job offer because it's not enough. Those who can turned down an offer because it just isn't worth it.

And those people are predominantly those without debts.

Unfortunately for the majority of you "go-getting," "down-town officing," "MBA laden" LinkedIn life jet-setters, you are saddled with tons of debt. You "needed" that McMansion in the suburbs. You "needed" that Mercedes to impress your other Mercedes-leasing-because-you-couldn't-afford-it-dude-bro co-workers. You "needed" that Range Rover because how else would the suburbanite soccer moms know that you're queen bee? Oh, yeah, and you "needed" to drop that $100,000 on an MBA that your employer said you should get, but curiously didn't pay for it.

You are a debt slave. And you are not in the position to start demanding you get to telecommute. If you have too much in debt you will have to wait until the Millennials start becoming bosses when telecommuting will become that standard...which should be...ohhhh...about the time you pay off that 30 year mortgage for that McMansion...that is assuming you don't take out a home equity line to pay for a boat.

You've Simply Not Asked, Nor Insisted

For the remaining 5% of you that aren't beholden to a portfolio of debt, don't really need to make a lot of money, have your financial house in order, and technically don't need the job you have, you are one of the lucky and enviable few who can play hard ball and demand you telecommute. You may not be able to demand it from your current employer, but nothing says you can't start poking around and find an employer that will let you work from home. And once you do you can demand telecommuting privileges from your current employer with nothing to lose. The key thing is not to ask, but insist you telecommute as a conditional principle of your employment. And not so much because you're in a financial or highly-skilled position to do so, but because you have self respect.

Commuting, when you look at it, is an affront, an insult, an unacceptable form of unnecessary abuse, and something I would say skates on the envelop of a human rights violation. It ruins families, slows down economies, taxes people to death mentally, and pollutes the environment. And the only reason it exists is because of ignorance, corporate sadism, manipulation, power-tripping bosses, and the debt-ridden lives that enslaves the sheep to the shepherds.

Have the decency and self-respect to ensure you don't commute.

Aaron Clarey is a self-employed jerk who says mean things on the internet. He does so from the comforts of his own home, often times in his pajamas, and many times with coffee or something a little stronger. He also does this work when it suits him and will occasionally take a break when his girlfriend stops by for a quickie. He never wakes up before 10AM and has often contemplated lighting up a cigar to watch the morning commuters over the bridge, it's just that he'd have to wake up early. You can find his consultancy here, his blog here, his podcast here, and his books here.