Back in mid-October Justin Bieber released his Christmas single. You might think two weeks before Halloween is too early to release a song for Christmas but he’s improving. He released his song for last Christmas while still gestating in his mother’s womb.

Like a normal person I decided to wait until the few weeks before Christmas to watch and review any Christmas related music videos. Unlike a normal person* though, I rewatched the video for Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe” somewhere in the region of 27 times in one afternoon.

*14 year old girls aren’t normal people.

The video starts off promising, with J-Biebs in front of what appears to be a moving car. The camera cuts away before we see him get hit. Cockteases.

“I think I’m going to start posing for photos like this. What do you think? I’ve never seen anyone do it before. It’s like I’m thinking and pointing to something. It’s pretty original, I know.”

“Bet you were expecting my fingers to be freezing, right?”

“Aye, love, the wise men followed the star

The way I followed my heart”

Across a Middle Eastern dessert over a period of weeks?

For a 17 year old, he sure does have the cold, dead eyes of a twenty year show business veteran.

Eh, I’m not too sure either. Answers on a postcard to Humourisms Towers, Dublin, Ireland.

Moments before this, JB sees his “shawty” looking at a dress in a shop. He looks to her passive aggressively as if to say: “Bitch, you buy that dress and you won’t have fingers left to open your presents.”

Yes! The car is back. You’re done for now Bieber. Wait, another camera cut? Son of a-!

He signed his full name? That means one of two things: 1. He’s so egotistical that he refers to himself by his full name only or 2. His “shawty” is such a tramp he needs to had his surname so she can differentiate from the other Justin whose hand she sits on.

The car was his all along? What a cop out! I doubt I’m the only one who sat through this much of the video with the sole intention of seeing the Biebs fly slow motion over the bonnet and through the air like a bad road safety ad. Even if that was the case, the little prick would have overacted anyway. Exhibit A.

Fun Fact: Justin Bieber is actually a 360 year old man who retains his youth by awkwardly kissing young girls and feeding on their essence.

David Reilly can usually be found alone in front of his computer screen or providing his own commentary while playing Super Mario Strikers with Jon Hozier-Byrne.

Happy birthday Giles Brody!

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