by Saintmort Guilty Pleasures: Elvira Mistress of the Dark

Okay kiddies, back in the days before internet and DVD burns Hollywood was threatened by the VCR. Their fear was that people could record any movie off television they wanted and thus would have a reason to enter a movie theater again. It was a completely unrealistic and absurd fear.

So when I was a kid I taped Young Frankenstein off Television (commercials and all). It was one of my favorite movies for a few reasons. Firstly because it was one of my grandfather’s favorite movies, another reason is because it’s a hilarious and well made movie. So why am I telling you this?

The first time I ever heard of Elvira was from that tape. Every single commercial break was a 15 minute ad for the television premiere of this movie. I’ll always remember hearing the line “looks like Gumby on Steroids” repeatedly and not have any clue what it meant. But I was curious what this movie was about. I don’t know why my parents decided it was okay but when I was about 8 I saw Elvira Mistress of the Dark for the first time. I really loved it (despite the fact that the movie is a giant sex joke that went right over my head) however this was the first time I’ve seen it in a quite a few years.

Elvira was best known for two things. Her Television show and her Charles Addams style morbid comedy. Admittedly most of her gimmick was stolen from Vampira (who unsuccessfully attempted to sue her in the 80s) but for a brief period of time she was a genuine star. Making a theatric feature for her was not an unrealistic place to take her character and despite it’s many flaws the movie still remains a good cheesy 80’s good time.

Elvira is sick of hosting her horror show and dreams of starring in her own Vegas stage show. However she’s just quit and needs $50,000 to get the show off the ground. In a stroke of great time she gets a letter informing her of the passing of her great aunt. At the will reading Elvira expects to gain lots of cash and get her show off the ground but instead she inherits a house.

Elvira is disappointed but hopeful she can sell the old mansion for the money she needs. While the whole ultra conservative town manages to keep her from getting a job or selling the house, Elvira’s uncle keeps asking her for an old family recipe book instead the house. Elvira promises to find it and sell it to him. She finds the recipe book and discovers that it’s actually a spell book and she’s part of a long line of witches.

Elvira uses her new found magic to fight her evil uncle, win over the town and gain the money neccessary for her Vegas show. The show is complete insanity filled with half naked muscle men dressed like demons, a rap song and tassel dance. Here’s the video (NSFW I suppose)

The film was released to lukewarm reviews and even earned Cassandra Peterson (that’s Elvira if you didn’t know) a Razzie award for worst actress. However I feel like the the things that made this movie dated (possibly as early as 1989) are part of the charm. The film literally OOZES the 80’s (rapping, a flashdance parody and even a Scooby Doo reference). I also am a sucker for the few practical effects that appear in the film specifically the casserole monster.

One thing I never really noticed is that everyone who meets Elvira immediately wants to rape her. It’s like watching Teeth. I’m not sure what their attraction except for possible her big beautiful eyes.

The film eventually got a sequel that no one has ever watched and last year Cassandra retired the character forever at the first Comikaze so it’s safe to say that the heyday of Elvira is gone. It seems that the days of any ‘late night horror shows’ are over with. I miss my Joe Bob Briggs, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Elvira and I can’t wait for it to come back one day.

Well that’s all I got. Enjoy your Halloween.

Oh I almost forgot to mention Elvira has huge tits.