Have you spent your whole life living within your means and dutifully obeying laws? Are you irritated by waiting in line? Do you sometimes wish you had more stuff? These aren’t just little annoyances to be brushed aside—they’re trapped voices inside you that need to be set free. It’s time to start saying NO to saving and working and YES to living the life you deserve. It’s time to start shoplifting. Americans everywhere are discovering the emotional, physical and spiritual benefits of getting everything they need for free.

It’s not just about saving money; it’s about saving you.

The psychological health benefits of leaving a Walmart with free Snickers AND luxurious scented oils will leave your dopamine levels soaring and your sense of self-worth skyrocketing. Hey, who’s that girl bouncing around like she’s got everything? Why, it’s the girl who does have everything—because she steals it! And you should, too. Your soul demands free paper towels for a more meaningful life. If you think that focusing on yourself is selfish, bear in mind that a happier you makes a happier world, if not a happier economy. As Marianne Williamson said while shoplifting birthday cards from Rite Aid, “Your playing small does not serve the world.” Get out there and play big! Your joy matters!

Shoplifting is a natural antidepressant.

“Before I started stealing snow globes from the Hallmark store, I was a mess,” says schoolteacher Joy Bunson. “The Prozac I was on made me overweight, cranky, and tired all the time. Now that I have a small hoard of snow globes, I feel balanced. Plus, all that running from mall security keeps me in great shape!”

If paying too much for stuff makes you depressed, the most natural, effective, and soulful medicine is an entire Burt’s Bees display in your bedroom.

You’re never too old or too established to start over as a shoplifter.

You may think you can’t engage in petty theft because of your age or social position. Maybe you’ve even said to yourself, I could never shoplift. That’s for young people. Well, think again. Abigail Smith, a retired investment banker, tells us all about her powerful transition from high-ranking workaholic to carefree, life-loving nomad. She has shoplifted from every major retailer this side of the equator, so you know she’s an expert! Here’s what she has to say for women who are hesitant about making the leap to a life of petty theft:

I used to think that I wasn’t getting anything I wanted in my life because I didn’t deserve it. I would pass by high-end towels at Target without even thinking about stealing them. Then one day when I was buying 5-for-$25 panties in Victoria’s Secret, I saw a 17-year-old girl steal eyeliner from the makeup bar. That was my “a-ha!” moment. Before I knew it, I had marched back to Target. I stole four towels that day and have never looked back. I’ve been a proud shoplifter for ten years and I’ve never felt more calm, loving, and spiritual. By allowing myself to receive what I need, I fill my soul location with all the luxury linens it takes to feel empowered.

If Abigail can do it, so can you. Have courage! Trust that the universe has a plan for you—a plan that involves big coats!

You can cross over into a new spirit realm and receive the benefits of a carefree, cash-free lifestyle. It’s important to honor this great and costly earth with your joy, so go ahead, take that lip liner, horse lamp, or ceramic hair straightener. Paying for shit is for people who don’t honor their creation. Now is your time! Ignite your soul with the blaze of a thousand space heaters!