Washington D.C.—

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan recently made headlines by announcing his retirement from the House of Representatives, and his decision to not run for reelection has made Mr. Ryan unusually retrospective of his time as Speaker.

“I think I accomplished a lot,” said Ryan in a phone conversation. “Not in terms of number of bills passed into law, and not in terms of the size or scope of Republican legislation, but I think if you translate my accomplishments as Speaker into dollars given to already rich millionaires and billionaires, I may have gotten myself into the top-five of consequential Speakers of the House in US history. And, you know, I’ve heard some valid criticism in recent weeks that my crowning accomplishment—the tax bill—has added way more money to the deficit and debt than we said it would, but I think if we’re being fair I never explicitly said that Congress needed to get America’s debt problem under control while I was speaker. I was specifically vague about the timeline of the debt-solving. We Republicans have only been explicitly focused on cutting the debt when a Democrat is in office, you know? And it’s because we as conservatives want to throw up at the thought of the government spending money on poor people. America’s poor people are the least morally deserving people in America of government attention. They are merely the most economically deserving people of governmental attention. There is a world of difference. And we Republicans have always been crystal clear that the debt is only a problem when a Democrat is president because Democrats are always trying to help the poor. It’s like they have delusions of sainthood or something. It has always been GOP strategy to not let Democrats govern like Christians because they have theocratic tendencies that are totally out of whack. They govern like the New Testament, with stupid obsessions with charity and forgiveness, but every good Republican knows that the proper way to govern in the fashion of God is to govern according to the Old Testament, with values of judgement, vengeance, and absolutism on all social issues. The New Testament is for the private sphere, and the Old Testament is for the public sphere. And that’s where the debt issue really comes into play. Yeah, sure, we called Obama a communist while he cut the annual deficit down by a trillion dollars to roughly $435 billion, and our tax bill immediately skyrocketed the deficit up past a trillion again and still growing fast, but that’s the beauty of partisanship. We can just ignore the debt problem until the next Democrat takes over as President. Then it’s his or her fault. It’s all going according to our master plan. We spent eight years telling Obama we couldn’t spend money on anything because of the debt, and when we took over we took all that tax money the government was actually making, and we gave it back to rich people. That is ‘starving the beast’ 101. Forcing the government to near-bankruptcy so we can force Democrats when they take over to cut the Christian-value programs they cherish. That’s some Old Testament-style sabotage if you ask me. Jesus would approve, I think. I don’t actually read the New Testament. The thought of hanging around lepers and prostitutes is, like, really disturbing.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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