Goalkeeper

I’ve gone with the boy Alisson between the sticks. Five years ago this might have been a toss-up, before David de Gea turned shite

Left back

I’ve gone with Andy Robertson here. Some would say that’s a no-brainer with Luke Shaw being a fat cunt, but I think that’s harsh. There’s a player in there beneath the rolls of blubber, if someone can wire the lad’s jaw shut for six to twelve months

Right back

The boy Alexander-Arnold all day long. Wan-Bissaka likes a tackle and can run, but unfortunately, football from the 80s rang and asked for him back

Centre half

Maguire would be an automatic pick here if this was a competition to find the human being with the largest head on record. But since this is football, I’ve gone with Big Virg

Centre half

I’ve dipped back into the Liverpool squad here and picked Joël Matip, because Victor Lindelöf is shite at football

Centre mid

I’ve gone with the boy Fabinho here at the base of a midfield 3. Fred misses out, but can nevertheless consider himself very fortunate to be a footballer given his shocking lack of ability in every area of the game. He gives hope to shite footballers everywhere

Centre mid

Jordan Henderson gets the nod in the number 8 role. Lingard can obviously do a job in that area, but I stuck with Hendo because Lingard has that niggly habit of being shite

Centre mid

With Pogba semi-retired and acting the cunt, I’ve dipped back into the Liverpool squad and gone with Wijnaldum for the last midfield slot

Left wing

Sadio Mané gets the shout here. The boy Rashford can consider himself unlucky to be surrounded by so much shite. It must be demoralising for the lad when he looks around at all his teammates and manager

Right wing

I’ve gone with Liverpool’s Mohamed Salah on the right. This year has probably come a little early for Daniel James, but with Solskjaer coaching the lad, I’m sure by next season he’ll be even shitter

Striker

I’ve gone with Bobby Firmino up top. There’s no denying Anthony Martial is a talent, but he’s a sulky French cunt and that just tips the balance in Bobby’s favour