WESTERVILLE, OH—Accepting the offer of soft cashmere blanket and complimentary hot fudge sundae, Tom Steyer upgraded to the luxury section of the Democratic debate Tuesday night, complete with hot towels and beverage service. “We like to make sure our high-end candidates like Mr. Steyer are well taken care of, whether we’re providing them white truffle macadamia nuts to snack on or the mid-debate massage and face mask,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, who revealed luxury-class debaters would sit behind a leather-topped podium made of exotic cherry wood while receiving soft questions on the economy and climate change tailored specifically to their status. “Of course, regular debaters are not permitted past the luxury-class curtain on stage, as we do not want any interruptions while Mr. Steyer dines on a dry-aged ribeye and his choice of either champagne or a snifter of Glenlivet 25. Luxury members can also exercise the options to get 30 minutes of uninterrupted stage time with the moderators.” At press time, Steyer was relieving himself using the section’s pre-warmed luxury bidet.

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