If Your University’s Administration Ran a Polar Expedition

To Our Esteemed Officers and Everyone Else,

As we begin this new year, we would like to take the opportunity to update our party’s Strategic Plan. A strong sense of community and shared mission is essential to our pursuit of excellence, innovation, and a path through the endless expanse of pack ice that currently locks us in place.

Meet the Team

We are terribly honored to mark another year under the leadership of Captain Braithwaite, a 60-year-old man who served in Borneo and had never seen snow before this voyage. Many thanks as well to Mr. Arnold Barrington, who has shared many helpful “tidbits” learned during his forty years north of the Arctic Circle. We’ve never had a finer deck swab!

Due to unavoidable cuts, we have eliminated four huskies from the dogsled team and replaced them with a Pomeranian. Pancake is cheaper to feed and looks cute leading the sledge.

Of the newly added enlisted men, one-fifth were selected for their exceptional cricket skills. As their contract demands, they will serve mandatory 36-hour watch shifts and will not be given parkas. Remember that it is your responsibility to keep them alive; if they perish, there will be consequences.

Budgeting

There have been some questions about why we are running out of supplies after receiving millions of pounds from our generous donor base. We urge you to consider our responsibility to our stakeholders, which compelled us to use most of our funding to build a pre-emptive Victory Statue back in London.

As a reminder, travel funds work on a reimbursement system. Please save all receipts, the pelts of your meals, and any digits lost to frostbite to file upon our return.

Diversity and Inclusion

Our organization has a documented commitment to diversity and inclusion, as illustrated by the single Inuit in the background of our group photo. In the past, we admittedly did not treat Languages and Ethnic Studies as priority initiatives. We have come to regret this error and are immediately launching a search for an expert in Aleut, Inupiat, Yupik, Inuit, Hunting, Snow Architecture, Shamanic Medicine, Reindeer Husbandry, and Digital Humanities. The new hire will be paid in exposure.

Wellness

Next Monday starts Scurvy Awareness Week. We expect you to attend a mandatory meeting about the importance of citrus fruits in preventing scalp bleeding, teeth loss, and total organ failure. To sweeten the pot, we’ll be providing a complimentary supper of melted snow and boot leather.

We take mental health very seriously. If the freezing, sunless wastes of the Arctic are awakening your existential despair, please take advantage of a maximum of four sessions with our chaplain. After that, you will be placed on an outgoing ice floe to seek another provider.

Safety and Collegiality

In spite of our best efforts, you may have heard accusations of survivor cannibalism being levied by a low-ranking drudge with dubious morals and a freshly amputated leg. Let us impress upon you that we are gravely concerned about the PR implications of these accusations. If you would like to report an incident of wrongful termination (of limbs or lives), please scrawl your complaint on a scrap of oilskin and bury under the closest snowbank.

Goals for the Coming Year

Lash all of our sledges together, so it looks like we have one big sledge that is bigger than Admiral Harvard’s

Finally locate the Northwest Passage. (N.B., if our quest results in a failed search, we will be repeating this process from the beginning with any leftover resources)

Regards,

The Honorable Lord Dean Fitzdean