BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently being all that some actual adults have. “We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses, misfits, and deeply lonely adults for your patience at this time,” said Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger in an official statement, saying that any error messages customers were experiencing were due to the company not properly anticipating what profound depths of sadness some full-grown human beings are capable of reaching. “We recognize that many people were looking forward to Disney Plus’s launch in the most pitiful way imaginable. The entire Walt Disney Company family and I would like to personally acknowledge your frustration with the only thing that can give you—not happiness, quite, but some vague form of contentment despite thousands of years’ worth of other art and entertainment options to turn to. We apologize for the fact that these silly children’s programs are the only thing in your woeful and, frankly, distressing existence.” Iger added that if he had known that Disney was all some actual adults have, he would have started by charging much more than $6.99 a month

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