My Real-Time Response To Learning What The Rock Eats Every Day

“Oh heck, they published what The Rock eats every day? SWEET. I’m gonna eat everything the Rock eats, fill my body with some mighty power, lift some cars up.”

DWAYNE JOHNSON’S DIET

MEAL 1

10 oz cod

2 whole eggs

2 cups oatmeal

HOLY CROW, The Rock starts his day with fish and oatmeal? I’m tappin’ out, man, I’m tappin’ out. I am OUTTA here.

ok what else we got here though

MEAL 2

8 oz cod

12 oz sweet potato

1 cup veggies

DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON YOU JUST HAD A WHOLE THING OF COD A MINUTE AGO HOW MANY CODS HAVE YOU GOT STUFFED UP IN YOUR FRIDGE MY MAN?? I MEAN

MEAL 3

8 oz chicken

2 cups white rice

1 cup veggies

all right all right all right here we go, this is what I was expecting, this is some Dad Shit right here, this is some “we can stop at Boston Market tonight but you canNOT get macaroni and cheese and I am only taking a bite out of the cornbread and throwing the rest away right after so I don’t get tempted to root through the bag later” real times, this is the kind of stuff dudes who have Scandinavian-sounding usernames post about on bodybuilding forums before they get into fights about which food scale is the most weighty or whatever, good on ya

MEAL 4

8 oz cod

2 cups rice

1 cup veggies

1 tbsp fish oil

MR. THE ROCK I DO NOT KNOW HOW BIG A COD GETS BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO BE PUTTING AWAY LIKE A GOOD THREE-QUARTERS OF AN ENTIRE COD AWAY PER DIEM MY SIR, AND ALSO WHERE IS THIS FISH OIL COMING INTO YOU FROM AT?? IS YOUR PERSONAL TRAINER LIKE ZERO CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR MERCURY LEVELS BECAUSE I AM WORRIED ENOUGH TO START GOOGLING “AVERAGE COD SIZE” AND I AM GOING TO WRITE YOU A LETTER ONCE I LEARN SOME STUFF OUT

ALSO I DON’T WANNA GET TOO PERSONAL BUT YOUR FARTS MUST BE OUTRAGEOUS SIR

MEAL 5

8 oz steak

12 oz baked potato

spinach salad

you ever eat just like a piece of fruit my lad?? it’s good as hell, it’s what happens to flowers if you leave ’em alone for long enough, don’t let me tell you what to do though, you clearly have your house in order, just a suggestion

MEAL 6

10 oz cod

2 cups rice

salad

GODDAMMIT DWAYNE DO YOU LIVE INSIDE JOHN STEINBECK’S CANNERY ROW

MEAL 7

30 grams casein protein

10 egg-white omelet

1 cup veggies (onions, peppers, mushrooms)

1 tbsp omega-3 fish oil

what are you gonna do with all those yolks, my sir?? have you got like a big bucket of hollandaise dressing you keep in your walk-in fridge (I KNOW YOU HAVE A WALK-IN FRIDGE BECAUSE WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU KEEP ALL THOSE CODS)? you make a lot of avgolemono for your Greek Orthodox friends?? dang! dang! dang it right up! this is Gaston level territory we are wading into! Why won’t you just throw out the protein dust and eat the dang yolks? yolks give you a shiny, glossy coat according to dog food bags. that’s gotta translate into human use somehow

NOTES:

► “I do cardio 4–5 a.m., then take 4–6 scoops of Optimum’s Amino Energy.”

► “After cardio I eat breakfast [Meal no. 1].”

► “After breakfast I hit the iron for 90 minutes.”

► “Post-workout I have 60 grams Optimum Nutrition’s Platinum Hydrowhey with 15 grams of glutamine.”

► “Thirty minutes later I consume 32 oz of Gatorade.”

i got nothing left to say at you, my man, I gotta lay down on the floor for a real quick minute, please continue doing you until you can no longer do it