Amarillo, TX – In a not-so-stunning move, an emergency department in Texas has formally seceded from the hospital it’s connected to. The emergency physicians claim to be sick of everyone’s crap and state they can do everything just as good as any specialist.

“You think we like calling every service in the hospital to admit our patients? You think we enjoy doing ‘the wrong workup’ every damn time? You think I like hearing how inadequate I am 10 times a day?” said Dr. Richard Callingsworth. “Well, I actually do like all of those things. But that’s not the point!” When asked to elaborate, Callingsworth said something about ordering a CT scan and ran off.

Dr. Ramona Ketamine, another ED physician, said she can’t wait for the change. “If I hear one more person ‘sigh’ at me over the phone, I might lose it. Now that we are going to be free, I shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

We asked a group of hospitalists how they felt about the move. All of them were visibly shaken as they realized they will now have to triage everything and work quickly. “Wait, wait, wait. You mean to tell me I can’t round on all these patients for 14 hours?” said one.

No one is quite sure how the logistics of this will actually work. Experts are saying that every patient will just get endless CT scans and MRIs, and since the ED physicians can read scans just as good as radiologists, it shouldn’t be a problem. On the other side of things, hospitalists will just have to admit 100% of patients that want to come to the hospital. Three cheers for independence!

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