American Horror Story S04E01: "Monsters Among Us"

When the interdimensional future-aliens arrive on Earth and dig through all the petrified Wendy's wrappers for artifacts—any artifacts—that might reveal what humans were all about, I truly hope they find a complete-series DVD set of American Horror Story. Not because American Horror Story is the most accurate representation of life on Earth, but because it is the greatest achievement in human history. You know, in his day, Michelangelo probably dealt with backlash from haters also. "What's with babydick on David?" So it goes with this masterpiece, but with dickfingers.

Freak Show is the fourth season of this thing, and in keeping with the show's tradition, the opening episode was essentially a mixtape of horror references. This year it was Zodiac, Freaks, Moulin Rouge, DePalma, Fellini, Geek Love, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Big Top Pee-wee. EXCELLENT REFERENCES. But unlike the first season's incoherent opener, Freak Show's was elegant, beautifully structured, and frequently astonishing. Also it was insane, obviously. And brilliant. And sad. But mostly insane.

With each new project Ryan Murphy unveils, there's been a constant back-and-forth, from both critics and fans, about his talents. But what will it take for people to just accept that he's one of the most important and skilled writer/directors alive? He's easily as talented at distilling homage into original entertainment as Quentin Tarantino, but Murphy's is a language of unapologetically gay sensibility which I'm sure has NOTHING to do with the backlash he seems to provoke. WHOOPS, did I just stumble into a think piece? Because think pieces are boring, and I want to talk about American Horror Story: Freak Show, which is NOT boring and is now basically my favorite thing. I mean, the "Life on Mars" part alone. This show is truly a gift. I'm sure the aliens will enjoy it, but I'm just glad I got to be alive when it was actually on the air and reinventing television every week. This feels like history.

Now let's talk about "Monsters Among Us"!







We started with a voiceover from a woman who looks like Sarah Paulson walking glumly into some unknown place while being framed by the camera very unusually. WHY the unusual framing, though? Because this episode assumed we didn't see any of American Horror Story's Season 4 promos, I guess.



But psych, that was just a flash-forward. Here's the real scoop: A 1950s milk man was entering a house against his better judgment!



Then the first laugh of the episode came when, upon finding a mutilated body, the milk man decided to investigate a strange noise upstairs. That's what makes this show so special. Where you or I would be like, "NOPE," this show is like, "OH YEAH."

Needless to say, the milk man did not enjoy what he found in a closet. But again the episode pretended like we didn't see the promos, so there was quite a bit more buildup about what was going on:

Could it be a TWO-HEADED SARAH PAULSON? I can't spoil that for you just yet, sorry.

Meanwhile, guess who?

It was Jessica Lange! She's playing a character named Elsa Mars, a German national who came to America to seek fame in Hollywood but who now walks around hospitals and prisons in the finest of furs, bribing candy stripers into letting her meet with freaks.

And it didn't take long for her to work her magic on Meryl Streep's daughter! Next thing we knew Elsa was in disguise and on a mission:



OMG A TWO-HEADED SARAH PAULSON. I had no idea! Okay fine I won't be a jerk about it, this was actually a very good reveal if only for the amazing the special effects. They look seamless and expensive to me. Good one, American Horror Story.

Speaking of good ones, THOSE OPENING TITLES. All sinister stop-motion like a mid-90s Tool video. And what ON EARTH was THIS about:

That naked clown ghoul lady has a Doc Marten boot for a penis!

Anyway, back to the Siamese twins (question: this is a racist term right? I feel like we should probably sort it out before I use it in every photo recap for the rest of the season): This whole element is next-level. For one thing, Bette and Dot each had very distinctive personalities right away—Bette is nice but a bit of a mouth-breather, and Dot is a straight-up B. Also, the way they're filmed is truly genius. Their dialogue is both spoken out loud and also telepathically to one another. Plus occasionally we saw their P.O.V. in split-screen to indicate where each one was looking. And Sarah Paulson should win two Emmys for these performance, since they were immediately masterful and compelling. I'm definitely all-in with these two.

Elsa didn't waste time asking the important questions.

Oh, American Horror Story. Doesn't matter the era or circumstances, we will always, always learn about the characters' genitals immediately upon meeting them. Which I treasure.

Next: Page 2, featuring a murder clown and Jimmy Darling's dickfingers