Imagine a screenplay crammed with so much insanity, the climax pits KISS against the Village People, in the middle of a dystopian feudal New York (where people ride unicorns). That's the basis for Jim Shooter's Dazzler script.


Stop whatever you are doing and read this now!

Dazzler, the Marvel superhero pop star — who has the power to transform sound into light — completely and totally deserves her own movie. She's a disco diva with a lot of sass, and some incredibly bad decision-making skills (she once fought Galactus). Plus with music starlets like Britney Spears and Lady Gaga ruling pop culture, surely there's some demand today for a pop star superhero flick. This was not the movie that ex-Marvel EIC Jim Shooter wrote. Instead of a fabulous story about a pop star kicking ass, Shooter went full-nuts and wrote this amazingly demented script about Dazzler, The Avengers and Spider-Man getting transported into the future to fight off famous musicians.


The whole story of how this screenplay came to be is hilarious, and you should read the full tale at Shooter's site, but basically sometime in 1979 Hollywood asked Shooter to piece together a Dazzler script, in four days. They suggested he team up with Harlan Ellison (ha!). Shooter sat down and poured out what is surely the most demented tale we've ever laid eyes on. And at one point Bo Derek was actually attached to star in this film. But alas, it fell into some script purgatory hell, never to be heard of again. Until Shooter posted the 12-page pitch on his site. Here's the run-down.

As for casting, the studio had high hopes — including Cher as the Witch Queen, Donna Summer as the Queen of Fire, KISS as the Deadknights, Robin Williams as Tristan, Rodney Dangerfield as Dewey Cheetham and Howe (and Lord Chaos), The Village People as The Stompers, and Lenny and Squiggy as the Jesters. (And for now, let's just say Bo Derek as Dazzler).

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As far as Marvel characters that were going to be gracefully plunked into Dazzler's world, the script calls for Spider-Man and the Avengers.


The script starts off with Dazzler doing her thing, and then zoom The Avengers, Daz and Spider-Man are all transported into some sort of futuristic New York, governed by evil Queens. Here's a description of the wasteland they find themselves in.

Rodney Dangerfield (Cheetham) and Robin Williams (the sexy love interest Tristan) are caught in the middle of a battle and give the heroes shelter. What they see around them is a full on Helm's Deep battle. The troops from the North ride unicorns and hollowed-out VWs that have been turned into chariots. Meanwhile the Southern warriors ride dark lizards some who pull old Datsun pick-ups that have been turned into "battle-wagons" (I think we all know what side I'm on).


The Avengers and Spidey are separated, and Dazzler is kidnapped by Lord Chaos and Tristan (even though Tristan clearly loves her, which is demonstrated by the delicate manner in which he carts off her unconscious hide). It would appear that this entire battle has been over the boy Tristan. Why? I guess it will be revealed later.


Iron Man, Spider-Man and the Scarlet Witch are being held prisoner in a lone World Trade Center tower (where they can see the remnants of New York with no electricity, lizard beasts of burden, etc.) Their captor? Cher (the Witch Queen) and her security guard crew, made up of the members of KISS (aka the Deadknights). Here's a little clip from the script that describes their superpowers, no seriously!

Aw poor Peter Criss. Teleportation, fire rays, super strength and…. cat powers?


Meanwhile, in the remains of the Museum of Modern Art Donna Summer (the Queen of Fire) holds the Beast, the Falcon and the Wasp hostage. Her minions are the Village People, and here's a list of their powers. GO GO LEATHERMAN!

"After approximately the same sequence of events occurs," we cut back to Dazzler. Tristan awakens Dazzler and starts seducing her. Robin Williams is seducing Bo Derek? Yikes.


Tristan falls in love with Dazzler and the evil Cheetham rescues all of the Avengers and then convinces the supers to fight both armies in a big brawl in (what once was) Central Park. The battle rages on revealing that the reason the Witches were fighting is because Tristan played them all. Cheetham morphs into the Lord Of Chaos, more fighting, meanwhile Dazzler is gabbing with the Queens (now all friends, thanks toTristan's dickery). The battle is done, Chaos is defeated (because everyone works together) and my brain has melted from the awesome that is this pitch.

Do yourself a favor and download all 12 pages over at Shooter's blog. It's worth every second. See also: Jim Shooter's story of how the Secret Wars were named.


Image by Designosaurus-Rex at Deviant Art.

[via Comic Alliance]