WASHINGTON, DC— Citing an overwhelming desire to see a dozen or so identically dressed teenage Korean girls sing close pedal-point harmonies while executing impossibly precise choreography, sources across the nation confirmed Friday they were excited for some completely insane K-pop shit to occur during the opening ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang. “I’ll bet they have a bunch of totally fucking nuts lasers and at least one instrument I’ve never heard of before,” 28-year-old marketing analyst Owen McGillen said of the highly anticipated live performance, which all viewers assume will feature an assortment of attractive, young, government-subsidized cultural training-center graduates serenading giant, plush versions of Olympic white tiger mascot Soohorang while dressed in corseted versions of various athletic uniforms. “You just know that those songs are going to be catchy as hell and will probably feature a recognizable English phrase in the chorus, like “Race to you,” or ‘Melt my heart,’ and I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole group takes flight on wires at some point and just soars above thousands of screaming, crying Olympians. It’s gonna be bonkers.” As of press time, K-pop experts agreed it was “fairly likely” that the spunky ladies would remove their headsets during the third-chorus key change and switch to handheld microphones for a crazy-ass rap verse about achieving your gold-medal best.

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