NEW YORK—Explaining that the regulation would help provide a safer game environment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Tuesday to announce a new rule that encourages professional football players to take out their aggression off the field. “Player safety is our chief priority, so rather than risking injury to a quarterback, we’d strongly prefer league members release all their anger at home or perhaps at a local bar,” said Goodell, insisting the new policy would result in fewer roughing-the-passer penalties and help the league deliver a more family-friendly product. “We’ve added an extra 20 pages to the rulebook that outline the many ways players can get the hostility out of their systems by attacking people off the field, and we hope they’ll step into the locker room Sunday absolutely free of stress.” At press time, sources confirmed three NFL players had been arrested on charges of domestic violence, causing Goodell to hail the new rule as an “unequivocal success.”

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