A popular misconception for many artists, particularly writers, is that booze is a crucial part of the writing process. This is false. The truth is that drinking tends to hinder creativity by stifling the writer’s ability to think clearly and form a cogent argument. His best work is going to come through sober thinking and the self discipline necessary to keep writing. That said, it’s Friday night and Basil Hayden is a fine bourbon that ain’t gonna drink itself. And this particular Friday happens to be the first after the highly anticipated (by nerds and nuts) debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye.

If you’re reading this, I’m going to assume that you’re the type that watches debates between religious folk and heathens. If you’re not that type then you’re probably not reading this and you are, in fact, a figment of my imagination. If that’s the case, then I apologize in advance for erasing your existence when I sober up. Anyway, Bill Nye is a dude who knows things about science and hosting shows about science and doing interviews about science. During the time Bill Nye the Science Guy was on the air, I actually didn’t watch a single television show save a few episodes of the X-Files, but I’m told it was fantastic. I grew up on Mr. Wizard myself. Ken Ham is an Australian Christian Fundamentalist who believes the world is 6000 years old and that Darwinian Evolution is a lie; an ironic position for one who so closely resembles Dr. Zaius.

“Scott, did you really go through all that just to compare Ken Ham to Dr. Zaius?” you might ask but probably didn’t but I’m going to pretend you did because I feel like it. And the answer is no, I did not, though it would have been a perfectly respectable thing to do. The reason I’m writing this is because of Buzzfeed contributor Matt Stopera, who went ahead and asked 22 creationists at the debate to write down a question for Bill Nye. At this point you might see where I’m going with this. I’m a drunk asshole with a computer and I don’t have to worry about any backlash from the people I’m about to ridicule because their questions indicate that they have no idea how to use the internet. Without further ado, here’s my answers to a series of questions I was never asked. With pictures!

I work at a strip joint, so if there’s children around for me to influence, I think whatever I might have to say is the least of their worries. Where are their damn parents? I do have a ten-year old son, he’s not allowed to come to work with me. So I’m doing alright so far. Bill Nye, the original recipient of the question, works tirelessly to teach children about science. That’s a positive.

No, and use of the word “scared” makes your question sound childish. I’m afraid of many things: dying before writing a novel, death in general, losing my boner, but not of a divine creator. Incidentally, I’m also not afraid of goblins, zombies, or vampires.

Yes. If there is a God, and He created natural laws, it would make far more sense to create everything else under the parameters of natural laws. Furthermore, it seems downright shitty to create everything in such a way as to point to evolution knowing damn well we would be curious and want to know more. But then, it also seems shitty to be all knowing and yet still create people that you know full well are going to burn for all eternity in hell. Free will doesn’t exist if we were created by someone who already knows the outcome. It’d be like a woman giving birth while dangling from a helicopter over an erupting volcano.

I find it hard to believe you understand the second law of thermodynamics beyond some other moron telling you that it disproves evolution. And starting a question with “Does not” does not make you seem smart any more than your smug grin that indicates how happy you are with not knowing anything.

Like, because the planet is spinning, or are you looking for something about how pretty it is? Neither answer requires God.

Um… they don’t. “How do they debunk said theories” would be a better question, but the answer would still be “Um… they don’t.” See, the problem with posing a question based on a thing you heard your pastor say is that you need to understand the thing in order to understand an answer. The Earth is not an isolated system. We get energy from an outside source as well as from within. By your understanding of the second law of thermodynamics, you should have died shortly after birth, but fortunately for you, people kept feeding you. But don’t worry, the planet will lose all its energy eventually. Just watch reruns of Highway to Heaven until it does. It’ll only take a couple trillion more years.

I’m not interested in your negativity. I practice Yesetics. One time I ate too much cheese and had to take diuretics.

Well, that’s just something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself. Get it? Because you said “objective” and I’m all giving you a subjective answer.

Chance had absolutely nothing to do with it. I was Community Chest.

I’m wondering if these questions were asked before or after the debate, and if after, did you pay any attention whatsoever? Imagine finding a pile of whale poop on top of your house. And I say to you, “If whales can’t fly, how did whale poop end up on your roof?” The first clause assumes an answer even though the real answer is that you probably pissed off a trainer at Sea World. But until you think back to that time you ran over the trainer’s cat, you just don’t know. So you should simply ask how whale poop ended up on your roof and leave out the terrifying idea of flying whales in order to give you more room to investigate what really happened.

That’s not a question. And that statement belongs on the bumper of a rusty pickup truck owned by a fat roofer who likes to tell his kids to clean the shit out of their ears and slaps his wife around.

The fact that you didn’t want your face in this picture indicates that you already know how silly this question is. Bill Nye did this debate so that people like you will have a chance to better understand how science works. In your case, start with English class. Evolutionists, secularists, humanists, and non-God believing people (ugh) are four distinct types, none of which are mutually exclusive. It’s very depressing that you’re so young and seem to have lost all curiosity about the world because you think you know everything. Perhaps you and “Bang, it happened” lady can get married and you can get a job as a roofer.

There are actually a metric fuck-ton of “in between” pieces found. You can actually start very simply by looking in a mirror. We are transitional just like everything else. There are actually many Lucy’s.

No. The only thing that metamorphosis does is give first year college kids a literary reference that makes them feel clever and introduces the expression “Kafkaesque” into their lexicon, forever damning them to sounding like complete dicks.

Creationism and the Bible are not theories. Gravity is a theory. Creationism is an origin story with the same level of credibility as the Incredible Hulk. In fact, there are two accounts of creation in the Bible and they contradict each other.

I’m going to assume that by “science” you mean “evolution” because if I don’t I’ll get a nosebleed. Everything about this statement is so proudly stupid that I need another drink.

I only have to get through six more of these.

If we are here for the sole purpose of seeking salvation and glorifying God, not being here would have been a far better state of affairs. Salvation is boring. Worship is disgusting. And creating humans just to praise Him is rather sad. If I were religious, I would pray that God find a cure for whatever inferiority issues he suffers from. Humans who behave like this end up becoming serial killers. That actually explains a lot.

I already answered this. Four more questions to go.

Yes. We can see the effects of it. Faith is believing a bunch of religious fanatics that invent facts that aren’t subject to peer review.

You’re right, it is amazing. But if any thought was put into it, it wouldn’t be possible for me to sit on my own balls.

It’s wasn’t an exploding star. It was nothing. We can’t actually imagine nothing because all we know is something. Something is everywhere. Nothing is nowhere. Trippy, huh?

We didn’t come from monkeys, we share a common ancestor with monkeys, chimps, gorillas, etc. Our closest relative is the chimpanzee. Watch the Disney film Chimpanzee. When the baby’s mother dies and it’s left all alone it’s just heartbreaking. Then the alpha completely breaks from tradition and takes care of the baby. Talk about a tearjerker. It’s like that movie L.A. Story. Did you see it? Steve Martin is sitting at home while the woman he loves is getting on an airplane and the agony that Martin conveys while Enya is playing just cuts right into your soul. Overall it’s a beautiful and hilarious movie, I’d highly recommend it. Even Sarah Jessica Parker was cute in it. L.A. Story is nothing like Chimpanzee really, except that crying like a five-year old girl with a skinned knee thing.

Well, that was fun. I hope we all learned something and became better people for it. I sure didn’t. If you want to read real answers with science and shit, here’s a link. And here’s the actual debate video. Watch it before it goes away.

And here’s the link to the song that’s been in my head since I compared Ken Ham to Dr. Zaius.