My partner and I have been together for 11 years and have two children. My partner’s mother doesn’t recognise that my children have food allergies, including those that cause anaphylaxis. She says that I make it up to prevent her access to the children and has often tried to feed them foods they can’t have, which is why I don’t feel she can look after them unsupervised. My eldest is on the autistic spectrum, but my mother-in-law doesn’t accept that, either. I don’t want her in my life any more, but my partner wants me to be the bigger person, for his sake. What do I do?

An important rite of passage in any marriage is making that partnership the primary relationship, above those we have with our nuclear family. This doesn’t mean that we have to estrange ourselves from our in-laws and parents – unless their behaviour operates outside of our value system.

There are so many different boundaries you could have with your extended family, ranging from outright estrangement to seeing them less frequently; perhaps they could stay in a hotel rather than in your home, and be supervised when with your children. It is a rare thing to have parents of another generation grow alongside the new generation at the same rate. For those who have this in their lives, I would consider it a great gift, but certainly not the norm.

As for your husband asking you to “be the bigger person for him”, I would kindly let him know that it would be easier for you to buckle, would it not – to let his parents have their way, and endanger your children? So, in fact, you are taking the bigger (and more challenging) road, by setting these boundaries with his parents. Perhaps your partner could look at his own priorities: how important it is to protect his children, and his relationship with you.

If his parents have respect for your values, they are welcome to spend time with you. If they don’t, I am not sure they have a place in your lives at this point. And while it may be hard to set this boundary, there will also be relief in knowing that you are guarding your family well. This also gives your in-laws the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Ultimately, your strength in this should show your partner how committed you are to your family’s wellbeing and safety.





• Alanis Morissette’s podcast is available at iTunes and at alanis.com. Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to Alanis Morissette at ask.alanis@theguardian.com