BRANDON, MB – Worried about immigration from ‘The Middle East’, local man Todd Morton fears Canadian culture may be destroyed by people from a part of the world that invented pretty much everything that underpins modern civilization.

“I just think people who come here should understand our system of government,” said Morton, of a federal structure that resembles Achaemenid Persia more than anything in the more recent societies of classical Greece and Rome. “These people just don’t have a tradition of it.”

Morton also thinks people accustomed to ‘Eastern Despotism’ will have trouble adapting to what we have here: a monarchy administered by the son of a former head of government.

“Islam is opposed to religious pluralism,” said Morton, whose medieval ancestors drove every Jewish person out of Western Europe, and into the protection of Muslim Granada. “Whereas in Canada, it’s been almost 60 years since you had to belong to an anti-Catholic hate group to be mayor of Toronto.”

Morton then went on to talk about ‘barbaric cultural practices’, as though Canada wasn’t founded by the English, who were literal barbarians that overran the northern parts of the Roman world.

“Canada has Christian roots. When you go to court, you swear on a bible,” Morton said, about a book whose name comes from the city of ‘Byblos’ in Lebanon, a country with a Christian heritage sixteen centuries older than Canada’s. “Don’t you think people who come here need to get Christianity?”

Morton is also worried immigrants from China won’t be able to adapt to life in a multi-ethnic, multilingual country.