This is a review for an ANIMATED CHILDREN'S FILM, for god's sake.

There’s literally no way to overhype this: a review of the ANIMATED CHILDREN’S FILM Incredibles 2 that recently came out in the excessively highbrow publication The New Yorker is so excessively horny that I am actually grossed out.

Now, as a rule I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum — I’m no kink-shamer, no sex-narc, no puritanical Patrick. But I cannot help but be truly bewildered at the train of thought behind this oddly slavering review of a cartoon about superheroes — which was published in The New Yorker, may I repeat.

Honestly, read this paragraph, which is, once again, from a genuine film review published in THE NEW YORKER that was submitted by a professional and presumably okayed by an editor.

“Take your seat at any early-evening screening of Incredibles 2 in the coming days, listen carefully, and you may just hear a shifty sound, as of parents squirming awkwardly beside their enraptured offspring.”

Umm.

“And why, kids? Because Mommy just leaned over to Daddy and whispered, ‘Is it just me, or does Mrs. Incredible kind of look like Anastasia in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey?’ You know, the girl in the Red Room, with the whips and all?’ And Daddy just rested his cooling soda firmly in his lap and, like Mr. Incredible, tried very hard to think of algebra. As for how Daddy will react later on, during the scene in which Helen and the husky-voiced Evelyn unwind and simply talk, woman to woman, I hate to think, but watch out for flying popcorn.”

Eww. Eww forever and ever. Is he honestly claiming that men are going to these movies and regularly getting boners strong enough to catapult popcorn across the cinema? Or is this the cry of a man desperately trying to normalise his own forbidden attraction to a cartoon mother?

Everyone's talking about that New Yorker review of Incredibles 2 because of its open thirst and elaborate theatre-handjob scenarios, but here I am hung up on the Fifty Shades reference the writer uses. — Dan Olson: Update Pending (@FoldableHuman) June 20, 2018

Because his giant critic-stiffy is almost exclusively for Mrs Incredible — he describes her as “smarter, smaller, more rubbery, and guaranteed to cause less collateral damage” which I guess is my new Tinder bio. But he continues — horribly, he continues, and he starts getting hot for Mr Incredible too.

“He is strong and she is stretchy; he is no more vexed by being pummelled by rocks than he would be by stubbing his toe, and she can flatten herself into a human pancake or, though normally waspish of waist, spread her torso into a handy parachute. In short, the perfect couple.”

Mmm. Heterosexual customs can be really beautiful, you know?

Suprised Incredibles 2 didn’t receive an R rating for how stupid thicc Elastigirl is — Jorge Iglesias (@lgigrj) June 17, 2018

To his credit, he doesn’t just seem to be pant-snortingly horny — he genuinely seems to be envious of the Incredible parents and their fictional marriage, all steamed and hard for their bedroom gymnastics and commitment to each other.

“As a rule, any marriage in which one partner can willingly cry out to the other, ‘Trampoline me!’ inspires only envy and awe.”

I mean, sure? Regular people could just as easily try to use each other as trampolines if they weren’t cowards with bodies full of easily burst organs.

“In the heat of the action, that is what Mr. Incredible says to Mrs. Incredible, in Incredibles 2, and I’m disappointed to report that the action in question is merely the manic pursuit of a gigantic drill that is whirring through a crowded city and demolishing everything in its path, rather than a lazy afternoon in the marital boudoir with the door discreetly shut.”

Yes, I too am disappointed that Mr and Mrs Incredible didn’t use their super powers to fuck in Incredibles 2.

Let’s leave this article with one last horny description of Mrs Incredible and go scrub our brains out with something normal, like, I dunno, human sex.

“Hence the sight of Helen, accelerating off to work, away from her justly abandoned man, in her black mask, her long tall boots, and her empowering outfit, as tight as a second skin.”

Vomit forever.

Anthony Lane's review of The Incredibles 2 in the New Yorker is really something! pic.twitter.com/0vSENjBv2k — MKupperman (@MKupperman) June 19, 2018

Incredibles 2 is currently in cinemas, but if you are a dude horny for the mum, don’t go and see it.