Every February, just as you get over dropping a wad of cash on Christmas, retailers unite to convince you to buy even more shit for other people. This time around, for the ones you want to have sex with. And if you think the mere act of buying something on or before the 14th is enough to get you laid, these gifts would beg to differ. Advertisement

14 Erotic Rug Hooking We had no idea that you could make rugs erotic and, after seeing this, we still don't think you can, though it does get points for resembling the pixelated ladies of early Nintendo fantasies. That aside, we can't imagine who on earth could hold anything close to a straight face after receiving one of these as a gift. Instead, we're pretty sure the universal "what the fuck" face would make an appearance. Continue Reading Below Advertisement

13 Chocolate-Dipped Jalapenos They say a woman's brain responds to chocolate very much the same way it does to sex, so clearly chocolate is the kind of gift you want to use to get her brain in the right place. But regular chocolate is for chumps. These chocolate jalapenos tell your girl "I think you need to pack on a few pounds, then spend a few hours on the shitter getting rid of it again." Romance may be dead but burning squirts are timeless. Continue Reading Below Advertisement

12 Personalized Romance Novel Why settle for chocolate or flowers on Valentine's Day when you can immortalize that special someone as a complete fucking tool for all time? Pirates of Desire is a romance novel you can personalize by having them rename characters after you and that special person--you can even include your cat! This is sure to make for the most awkward reading of your lives, as your girl realizes how badly she wants a swashbuckling adventurer with an eight-inch dick, instead of the pudgy Halo enthusiast who thought paying someone to use the "Replace All" function on their word processor counted as a thoughtful gift. Continue Reading Below Advertisement