A spokesman for one of Harvard University’s most exclusive undergrad social clubs has come up with what may be the most ironic excuse possible for keeping the club an all-male enclave.

In the wake of a report blasting Harvard’s “final clubs,” as they’re known, for their “deeply misogynistic attitudes” and generally rapey atmosphere, the 225-year-old Porcellian Club released a statement saying that it would be a huge mistake for Harvard to force the club to admit women.

Because the men of the club might rape them.

In the statement, emailed to the Harvard Crimson, Charles M. Storey (class of 1982) claimed that the Porcellian Club club has a perfect record when it comes to rape, with “no allegation of sexual assault” ever leveled at the club. (He’s pretty sure.)

But maybe that’s just because there were no women in the club to rape.

Given our policies, we are mystified as to why the current administration feels that forcing our club to accept female members would reduce the incidence of sexual assault on campus, … Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.

CHECKMATE, FEMINISTS!

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