Why I won't be competing for a while & dropped out of CEO

-- Preface: I think it's good when people are more open about illnesses & big life problems they are having. Not enough people see the struggles. I'm sharing this because I feel like it'll be beneficial for people to see what I'm currently dealing with in my life. The mental aspect is rarely talked about I want to shed some light on what's going on in my life and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I also hope that maybe others who are having a rough time in life can take something and possibly help to make their own life better. --



TL;DR at bottom



Recently I've noticed that I haven't been myself. I've been a less happy, more negative person. I don't know how long this has been going on, but it's been at least a couple months. Early June I went to AZ to get away from my normal life to do some introspection. I figured getting away would help me figure out what was going on with me. I was right.



I figured out that my home life & work life combined were stressing me out and causing me to be a more toxic person. The house has always been good and bad. The more I’ve grown and changed my focuses, the more the house started to stress me out. It’s gotten so bad that recently little things at home like peeps not cleaning the kitchen has set me off extra hard. These things would make me extra negative, and I couldn't focus on doing any work.



The work stress that has to do with the pressures of getting better, putting out content, hosting tourneys, etc that I need to do to survive. I was forcing myself to do lots of these things. Trying to do stuff while upset/not being able to focus was so bad for me. I was in a mental war with myself that added pressure and stress. This is extra stress on top of the normal challenges I was facing.



Some people will say "just keep fighting" or "if you REALLY want to you could make it work." Those were my strats for a bit, but the cost of it was my mentality. I was going crazy and feeling like crap. When I came back home from AZ, I had a list of things to do every day at home. Things that I should be able to do no matter what is going on with my roommates. That first day back I was trying to, but I couldn't stay focused or be happy about doing my work. Same for the next couple days. Then I went to SSS (June 19th).



Initially I was excited to go play Melee with friends. As the day went on, I just didn't care to play. I tried to practice with a friend and couldn't focus on what i was trying to work on. Overall I felt apathetic towards playing him. It was fairly obvious because of how much I was losing/messing up. When top 32 started I tried to just play, but it didn’t work. I wasn't playing my normal melee. I was distracted. I won, but I knew mentally and technically things were off. Then i had to play Ka-Master. Same thing happened. I was in my head not focused. Had mediocre tech skill. Started to get frustrated at everything. I tried to reset myself near the end. It half worked but wasn’t enough. After I lost I was debating what to do. I saw no point in playing if i can't even focus, but I didn't want to just drop out. I decided to play Falco vs Kira just for the fun of it. I hoped that it would make me feel better. Playing with Falco was fun, and set the stage to help me see something.



After all that, I knew something had to change in my life. My brain was being overworked. I was not happy. I was stressed, upset, angry, and more. My main solution is to move out of my house. I know that will be a change that i need for the better. I've outgrown my current living situation. Overall it's been a great time, but it doesn't suit my needs anymore. I’ll have more space & a better environment to work in. I have a plan on where I’m gonna move & who with, but it'll take at least a few weeks before i can move. I’ll share more on that in the future.



Since it'll take some time before I can move, I needed another solution for the short term. On Monday, June 20th I decided I would "go on vacation" until I move/feel better. Initially this means no competing, no practicing, no thinking about/working on content, etc. I need to take a real break from work. After a couple weeks, I'm going to evaluate how I feel and slowly add back in work things until I move.



Those first 3 days of my vacation were great (Mon-Wed). Played lots of Overwatch. Watched TV shows/Anime. Just relaxed. Wednesday night while watching a show I realized I smiled. I felt overall happy and like I was having fun. I hadn’t felt this type of happiness/joy in a long while. I realized this break was 100% what I needed. I felt so much better after just a couple days of relaxing and not caring about anything work related. Thursday I left for CEO knowing worst case I’d just have tons of fun hanging with friends.



I was debating on what to do with competing at CEO. Part of me felt like I should drop out, but part of me felt like I should try. On Wednesday, I 100% just wanted to drop out, but after talking with Marty (Splyce owner. He’s super supportive and great.), I was about 50/50 again. Friday the morning of pools, I decided to see how pools go and then evaluate how i felt. My gut was telling me I was going to just want to drop out. I should have just listened.



At that point it was obvious I wasn’t in it. I felt similar to that SSS and Pound (Pound different causes, but similar feelings of apathy). Pools weren't going well from Set 1. Even though I double 4 stocked the guy (sorry if you see this <3 ), I could tell I was off, unhappy, couldn't focus, etc. I should have dropped out then, but it felt weird to do so mid bracket. I decided I would just play out winners. If i won I almost certainly would have dropped out the next day anyway, so I’m unsure why didn’t just drop out then. After losing in winners, I was so upset that i forced myself to go through that. I didn’t care about the match or losing. I cared that I knowingly did not feel like playing, and still did. I was very upset with myself for a while for not just listening to me. After going through that, it was so much easier to just drop out of losers. I knew this was what I wanted and the best decision for me and my mental health.



From there I just enjoyed CEO as a vacation. I still played teams with Zhu because I knew it would be fun. I didn’t do great IMO, but just getting to hang with Zhu was nice and fun. It was great not worrying about the event and just focusing on seeing friends, hanging out, partying, fun pool times, etc. It helped me forget about everything that happened and get over being mad at myself.



So where am I at now? It’s been 1 week since I’ve decided to take a break and I feel so much better mentally than I have for months. It’s nice to have less life things to worry about. I’m going to make sure this week is also 100% vacation. I’ll see how I feel starting next week. When I feel ready, I will slowly add back in my work tasks so I don’t get overwhelmed again. It’s hard to say the next event I’ll compete in. If I’m not ready by EVO I’ll drop out (but will still go!!). I need to take care of myself first. It’s ok if my Smash career is put on hold for a little while.



People I’m around say “if you REALLY want something then no excuses.” I definitely agree with that, but at times things are beyond your control. Sometimes you are injured and need to recover. If I REALLY want to play sports, but sprain my ankle, I bet everyone will tell me “you have to take a break for it to heal.” Sure I could try to go play, but I probably won’t do well & I’ll probably injure myself more. That’s what I discovered with my mental state. I’ve been trying to force it instead of letting myself recover. My gameplay & extra content has been mediocre. I’m going to rest & recover, then come back and kick some butt!!!!!



End of day know this is a vacation. I'm not quitting. I'm not vanishing. I'm just taking some time off to recharge myself. I've been full force with the Smash life for about 2 years now, putting in hard effort for the last 14+ months. It's been super fun. I love what I'm doing and the opportunities I have. It's been a crazy path and hard work. Everything just finally caught up to me so I’m taking a break.







TL:DR I’m taking a break from competing for a while. I’ve pushed myself past my mental limits between work and home life. I've felt apathetic towards Melee not being able to focus when competing. I’m going to move soon to get into a better living situation. Until then I’m taking a vacation from all work to help de-stress and become mentally healthy. I’ve been on this vacation for 1 week, and I already feel so much better. Unsure how long I’ll be on vacation, but will slowly add in work so I don’t overwhelm myself again. I will drop out of EVO if I don’t feel better. I’ll be back soon enough, but I need to take care of myself. My Smash career can be put on hold for a bit.



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