The Houses of Parliament Management Committee, a body which unites representatives from both sides of the house, has announced contingency measures to anticipate the risk of a “no deal” Brexit.

Amid concerns that MPs themselves could suffer from widespread food shortages if they fail to prevent the UK crashing out of the EU with basically no agreements in place to enable trading in foodstuffs with other countries and not nearly enough food produced within the country to feed all of its population, the House of Common canteen will remain open free of charge 24 hours a day, with extra armed security laid on so that no non-member shall gain access to the facilities. However, in a further emergency measure designed to prevent malnutrition amongst those who campaigned hardest for Britain to leave the EU without having made any actual plans to anticipate the havoc such a scenario would cause, members of the European Parliament and their paymasters will also be allowed to enter the canteen “for the foreseeable future”.

MPs expressed relief that their access to free food and drink will not be threatened, even though a member of the cabinet has acknowledged that staple foods such as tomatoes and bananas may not be available in the rest of the country for a period of “at least” six months. Craig Mackinlay, a Conservative member of Parliament, commented: “I’m happy to go on record as “confident” that the reports from every corner of the food and drink industry expressing grave and mounting concern with regard to the public availability of food after March 29th are without any foundation. Probably. Time will tell. You’d really have to ask James Delingpole about the details. Anyway, I’m extremely pleased to hear that whatever happens to everyone outside the House, I personally will have unlimited access to as much as I can eat and drink. The willingness of the great British public to sacrifice their lives on the basis of an ill-conceived and poorly-executed referendum in which the winning side cheated is…admirable. I respect each and every one of those brave souls who is prepared to starve him, her or itself to death in return for some atavistic notion of “sovereignty”, one or two of those “NHS hospitals” they seem so keen on, or whatever else it was we told them they were voting for. I and my friends Jacob Rees-Mogg, David Davis, Nigel Farage and Daniel Hannan will continue to dine on the very finest and freshest of British and continental cuisine. Those who voted for us, I mean for “Brexit” in 2016 need have no worry whatsoever on that score”.

Should they not be able to approach Parliament owing to huge crowds of furious, starving, and deeply embittered Leave voters gathered outside, MPs will also be provided with vouchers guaranteeing them unlimited free meals from any surviving food outlets anywhere in the country. Those that manage to reach the other side of the river will also be welcomed to a weekly dinner n’ drinks gathering at the home of Labour MP Kate Hooey, who is said to have been stockpiling canned goods since late June 2016.

The committee also voted unanimously to reward every ‘Lexit’ voter by sending them a family-sized box of stale mince pies and granting them one calendar year’s membership of the Wetherspoons Thursday Nite Curry Club, with 15% off cans of Tuborg until they run out in about mid-April and as many sawdust-flavoured poppadoms as they and any surviving member of their family can digest.

Rumours that Jeremy Corbyn has now decided to support a no deal Brexit so that he can make a fortune selling produce from his allotment to the HoC canteen were unconfirmed as we went to press.