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Job interviews are an essential rite of passage for any hopeful prospective employee. It can be an extremely nerve-wracking experience waiting to be judged by a potential employer. We’ve all been there — nervously checking our watch on the big day, rushing to get to the interview on time, insisting on calling the receptionist “champ” to cut the tension as we wait for our name to be called, sweating through our nice silk suit or blouse and leaving a big sweaty stain on the seat in the waiting room — we know how much all these things SUCK and how we HATE them and they drive us totally bonkers and crazy. Part of the stress of a job interview is feeling like you will blend in with the rest of the applicants and be easily forgotten by the interviewer the second you walk out of their office.

It doesn’t have to be this way. What if you could walk into a job interview cool as a cranberry knowing that there is absolutely zero percent chance your future boss will forget who you are when it comes time to sift through the applicants and make someone an offer?

Through my time in the work force, I have learned some surefire strategies to get noticed, get remembered, and most importantly, get the job. Let’s get started!

Don’t forget to eat it!

Print out a résumé to bring. Eat it mid-interview.

This feat of strength and endurance will be sure to grab your interviewer’s attention. Be sure to mention how ingesting your skills and experiences demonstrates how committed you are to “living your truth” and “bringing your work home with you.”

2. Breathe heavily.

These days, every startup on the block is looking for employees who will outwork their competition. By breathing audibly you will showcase your work ethic! An added bonus will be arriving soaked in sweat (like normal). Your boss will immediately notice that you give 110% to everything you do.

3. Print out two résumés. Challenge your interviewer to see who can eat your résumé faster.

This one is pretty self-explanatory (see #1) but by challenging your interviewer to a competitive eating contest you will cement yourself as a “gunner” and a “risk-taker.” Even better, put money on the line — at least $10,000 to the fastest eater. Employers LOVE to see prospective staff members with passion and cojones.

4. Remain standing and face the wall the entire interview.

Averting eye-contact is the ultimate sign of respect. Your interviewer will be wowed by your tribute to their authority and regard for their Power.

5. Allude to the impending Doom and eternal damnation that awaits sinners, adulterers and gluttons.

This is a tricky one as you don’t want to let the cat out of the bag. However, it is ESSENTIAL to hint to the interviewer that you are committed to a Higher Calling that will guide you in your everyday work conduct. Company executives place extraordinary importance on the integrity and morals of their employees. There is no better way to show yourself as an upstanding individual than to share your opinions about who you believe will rot in the Infernal Regions of Torment until the end of Time.

Yummy!

6. Print out 20–30 résumés. Call the receptionist into the room. Challenge your interviewer and the receptionist to a Round Robin tournament to see who can eat 3–4 résumés the fastest.

Refer to #1 and #3. Get some side pots going with live betting, prop bets etc. Ideally the entire office will get involved. I like to bring along face paint and construction paper just in case spectators want to really support the Athletes.

7. Try out a Simon Cowell impersonation. Commit to it for the entire interview.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working in jobs, it’s that every single industry loves and respects Simon Cowell. Maybe it’s the way he fills out a V-neck. Maybe it’s his sultry, beefed up biceps. Maybe it’s just how easy it is to get lost in the endless azure pools where his eyeballs should be. Whatever it is, every employer I have ever met thinks Simon Cowell is the most handsome, intelligent person in Showbiz and maybe even the world so it’s not going to hurt to croon in his deep baritone accent ok?

Using these tips have never failed to help me make a splash in my job interviews. By applying them, in concert with the right preparation, good looks, natural charisma, education, family lineage, connections and confidence, you can stand out in a crowd too.