THE way the BBC broke the news that Donald Trump was to pull America out of the international Paris Agreement on ­climate change, you’d have thought a giant ­asteroid was on its way.

You know that scene in Armageddon when everyone in the world finds out they only have days to live.

12 Donald Trump... risking the wrath of left-wing poets from East London and the presidents of those Pacific islands where you need wellies every time the tide comes in Credit: Getty Images

Lots of ­sobbing and swelling music and families hugging each other. It was that. With knobs on.

They reported on the global reaction, quoting left-wing poets from East London and the presidents of those Pacific islands where you need wellies every time the tide comes in.

There were pictures of N’boto, standing around his well in Africa, saying that because of Mr Trump his goat would soon die of starvation. And then he would have nothing.

12 Theresa says she's a little 'disappointed' by Donald's decision Credit: EPA

And for balance, they gave us the views of a spokesman for America’s coal industry.

“Hahahaha. We’re going to make loads of money and you’re all going to die,” he said, while stroking a white cat.

The message was pretty clear. If America was going to be free to produce as much carbon dioxide as it likes, we will end up hoping the ice caps melt so we can drown.

Because at least that way, we won’t be on fire any more.

Well, I hope you don’t mind but once again I’m going to be the still, small voice of calm and reason.

The Paris Agreement on climate change was useless.

We must live in houses made from soil, travel only on donkeys, die when we get any form of illness, go to bed when it’s dark, get up when it’s light and generally live like a 14th Century peasant

Most of the countries that signed it said they didn’t need to make any changes at all, and the big polluters including China and Russia and America said they’d try to be better in future.

But only if there were no punishments at all if they failed.

As a result of this, Australia went home and introduced an anti-pollution scheme which they knew full well would allow the mining industry to carry on as before. Obama Barrack said after signing the agreement that even if all the countries did everything they had promised, it still wouldn’t be enough to save the world.

12 Climate change protestors mock President Trump's decision to leave the Paris Agreement - while enjoying the hot, sunny weather Credit: Reuters

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So the truth is, America pulling out — in three years’ time — will make absolutely no difference at all.

There are only two solutions.

We either accept that the world is heating up on its own, which it’s prone to do from time to time, in which case we must set to work making air conditioning units and deodorant.

Or we decide that we are causing the climate change, in which case we must stop, immediately, using patio heaters, soap, shampoo, hot water, central heating, cars, buses, trains, planes and anything made from plastic.

You can forget about having to pay a bit more for your trainers or mobile phone.

12 An unbiased simulation of how Donald Trump pulling out of the Paris Agreement could end for all of us, perhaps? Credit: Getty Images

We have to go way further than that.

We must live in houses made from soil, travel only on donkeys, die when we get any form of illness, go to bed when it’s dark, get up when it’s light and generally live like a 14th Century peasant.

If man really is screwing up the planet, THAT is the only solution.

Paris? That was like trying to mend a terminal cancer patient by giving them a very expensive pedicure.

12 Amanda Holden was slammed by fans for her 'Stripper' dress Credit: Splash News

MANY people have been asking whether a dress worn this week by Britain’s Got Talent host Amanda Holden was suitable for a family audience.

Well, I’ve spent hours staring at the photographs and I’ve decided it is.

HAVE WE BEEN POLL-AXED AGAIN? ACCORDING to various polls, Jeremy Corbyn stands a chance of winning the election.

Right. I see. And these are the same polls that said Brexit was a non-starter, that we’d have a hung parliament last time round and that Hillary Clinton would be president of America.

Corbyn is only really popular with those aged 18 to 24. And on election day they will be too busy sniffing glue to go to the polling station and vote.

Pippa's shunny moon?

12 Jog on... where are newlyweds Pippa Middleton and James Matthews getting all their energy? Credit: TheImageDirect.com/media-mode.com

SOMEONE called Pippa Middleton was photographed this week taking a break from her post-wedding holiday by going for a jog round the Sydney Opera House.

This was after she and her husband were seen climbing over the gigantic Harbour Bridge.

How can she possibly have the energy?

Can’t be much of a honeymoon.

12 Internet users attempt to spot the Clarkson among the stranded BA passengers Credit: Flynet Pictures

I WAS booked on a British Airways flight to Nice last Sunday.

But after the systems crash I figured there’d be no chance in hell of it ­taking off so on Saturday night I went a bit mental with the hooch.

And guess what? When I woke the next day, I went online to find that it was just about the only flight that was actually leaving.

When I arrived at ­Heathrow, the man in the check-in booth looked a bit ­surprised. Because the picture in my passport showed a man in full colour. But the man standing in front of him was somehow in black and white.

Well, more sort of grey.

A MAN with too much time on his hands has warned that the flowers used to decorate the cake on a top food blogger’s site are poisonous.

12 Food blogger, Ella Woodward, who’s a family friend of mine, hit back, saying that the flowers are fine but that you shouldn’t eat the stalks Credit: Hodder & Stoughton

12 Garden expert James Wong said the blogger had used 'dangerous' flowers to decorate the cake Credit: Rex Features

The blogger, Ella Woodward, who’s a family friend of mine, hit back, saying that the flowers are fine but that you shouldn’t eat the stalks.

Let me try to settle this, if I may, in a ­sensible way. Flowers work best in a garden or a vase.

If you must decorate a cake, then do what I do and use lamb chops.

A willy? Holy moley

WE are aware, of course, that young boys and girls send photos of their private parts to one another.

We are also aware that occasionally these photographs end up in the wrong hands and that the kids are told that unless they hand over more photos, or money, they will be uploaded on to the internet.

12 Beat revenge porn by exposing this rat, apparently Credit: Corbis

What I didn’t realise is just how big this problem is.

There were 54,000 reported cases of revenge porn in a single month on Facebook.

Then you have one man in America who extorted 155 boys to send him pictures of themselves.

And in the UK, 30 people A DAY fall victim to webcam scams.

Well, now the Canadians reckon they have a solution.

The authorities are telling boys that when they’re asked to send someone a picture of their gentleman sausage, they should send instead a picture of a mole rat.

They say that this weird rodent, above, which lives underground in Afghanistan, looks like a penis.

And if you ignore its eyes and teeth then I suppose they’re right. It does.

But why send a picture of a rat?

If the boys have their doubts, why not urge them to send nothing at all?

12 A man strapped a giant red duvet to his back and hurled himself out of an aeroplane - claiming a record-breaking speed of 250mph Credit: Getty Images

LAST week, a man strapped a giant red duvet to his back and hurled himself out of an aeroplane.

Moments later, he was travelling at 250mph – faster than a Formula One car – and now it’s reckoned that he has earned a place in the record books for the quickest flight without the use of machinery.

12 But... in 1960 – the year I was ­born – a man called Joe Kittinger, went to 102,000 feet in a ­balloon and then jumped and within four minutes was doing a staggering 614mph Credit: Pal

I’m not sure about that, because in 1960 – the year I was ­born – a man called Joe Kittinger, went to 102,000 feet in a ­balloon and then jumped.

Four minutes later, he was doing a staggering 614mph.

Which at that altitude is not far off the speed of sound.