Listen Up, Bitches: It’s Lysistrata Time!

O sisters, gather round! The Peloponnesian War on Women continues, and we are fucking done with this shit.

In the battle of Hobby Lobby, they erected barricades on the route to birth control. In the campaign to conquer Planned Parenthood, we have lost ever more territory to their trash fire armies of trashy men who are trash.

Their soldiers have gone to the agora and followed young maidens, who just wish to shop in peace for velvet onesies, and asked the maidens for their phone numbers until the agora finally banned them. In the amphitheaters they have pretended to mentor our actresses, then led them to the casting couch. The magistrate they elected is a pussy grabber.

Even the men we thought were allies in this war have groped the bosoms of sleeping women and said it was a comedy.

Their chorus sings, “Not all men.” But our women’s chorus answers back, “Yes all men, you smegma-brained douchenozzles.”

By the goddess, Beyoncé, we must not let this war drag on. There is but one solution: Sisters, we must give up the D.

No dick shall be licked in any city-state. Not in Athens nor Troy, Ithaca nor Schenectady.

We will not allow their throbbing pilgrims in our Parthenon, nor mount their mighty Olympus, nor measure the circumference of their veiny Archimedes.

When they see us with all of our makeup and our sexes shaved and our gowns of Amargos silk with cutout shoulders, they will want to bone. But we must close our legs and demand our Equal Rights Amendment, for horny men are dumb fucks who will give up anything for pussy.

When our men go to the Oracle, she will tell them, “y’all aren’t getting laid until you cut this shit out.” For we have not forgotten how they treated our prophets, Cassandra and Hillary Clinton. They may have their gropey gods, Zeus and Bill O’Reilly, but we have Artemis and Roxane Gay.

O, sisters, I know we will long for the schlong. But that is why the goddess has given us shower heads and vibrators with good battery life.

By the twin gods, Rumi and Sir, we shall raise the children to be feminists and run for city-state council and fix all the shit they have fucked up with their trash ways.

If they try to force themselves on us, we will put their rapey asses on blast in the Twitterpolis.

Yes, sisters, their troll armies in the Twitterpolis will lay siege to us and wish us death. But we will hold strong in our dick hiatus, and our chorus will never stop chanting:

“O, you scrotum-faced motherfuckers, the future is female.”