As Cardinal George Carlin reminds us, Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies—he came to help us out! It's been awhile since the church underwent a needed revamp, and, well...maybe maybe they should have just left well enough alone. Below are some honest to God examples of the Diocese of Brooklyn's new ad campaign urging people to "return to mass."

I was not there in 1 A.D., but it's safe to say that the world immediately outside the nativity bubble could be accurately characterized as nasty, brutish and short. Why would I want to party there? According to learned scholars, women were utterly disenfranchised chattel and fruit was mad expensive. "Dagger-men" were known to murder their enemies in crowded public places, and unwanted babies were just scattered all over the damn street like confetti after New Years. On the other hand, it's nice to know that "pigeon contest organizer" once got the respect it deserves. Point one, Catholicism.

Is this a Craigslist reference or a flaccid attempt at a dropped call burn? How can you miss a connection when you're the one calling, and what does failing to get through to the office have to do with attending mass? Doesn't the Catholic church know that mixed metaphors are a mortal sin, and that Hell is being forced to read all of the #BrooklynCatholic tweets, one. at. a. time?

I was raised Catholic, and I know for a fact that scoring VIP passes to blow coke off Rihanna's ass is easier than finding a seat at mass on Christmas morning. If you're delusional enough to think that the holidays—or religion, generally—are predicated on giving thanks and loving thy neighbor, you have not seen old Myrtle Megurdy arrive at church several hours early so she can save an entire pew's worth of seats for selected A-listers, using bunches of sweaters she probably stole from the donation bin anyway.

"It's never just a selfie" is the tagline for "Scream 5: Holiday Classic Edition." It's patented now and if Wes Craven wants it, he can negotiate with my lawyers.

It's no secret that whoever is handling the PR for this thing is trapped in a leaky mine shaft called "1995," but to clarify again: The above iPhone is at least a 4s, and even it was some caveman piece of shit iPhone 3, call waiting has always been a rudimentary feature available on even the most basic smart phones. If you can't get ahold of someone in the year 2014, it is because they are actively ignoring you. If the Beloved Son is not answering your texts, it has nothing to do with the quality of his carrier. He's a Google Glass Explorer.

Not ready to convert? Fine. Maybe some good old fashioned bullying will do the trick.