It sounds like the ultimate food hack. But how do you balance the spears in the slot – and will it cook the thick bottoms enough before the tender tips burn? Our intrepid writer puts it to the test

Is it possible, as some food hackers claim, to cook asparagus in a toaster? Who knows, but how could you possibly hear about this, and not try it?

Like other cookery shortcuts, the idea has an elemental appeal that lies somewhere between sloth and survivalism: you can also bake a cake in a mug, in a microwave; it is possible to cook a piece of salmon by slowly pouring boiling water from a kettle over it, and I once saw someone make pancakes hotel-room style, on the face of an upturned steam iron.

Asparagus seems a solid contender for such hackery. You can cook it many ways, none of them entirely satisfactory. This is because asparagus spears are fat at one end and thin at the other – the tips often turn to mush before the bottoms are tender. Could toasting asparagus solve this problem?

The recipe I consulted called for a toaster bag, but this sounds like cheating – with a bag you could probably make rice in a toaster. And anyway, I don’t have any. I plan to toast my asparagus Bear Grylls-style, against the bare grills.

The reason this doesn’t work is unsurprising, although it surprised me: even if you manage to balance a line of asparagus spears upright in your toaster slot, they will still fall through the cracks when it pops up, and they are very difficult to retrieve.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Asparagus in a bag. Photograph: Tim Dowling/The Guardian

It occurs to me that a primitive toaster bag might be fashioned from parchment paper, cut low enough for the spears to receive some direct heat. After some experimentation, I am able to offer the following advice:

Trim your asparagus to suit your toaster. You want the tips dipping just below the surface when the element is engaged.

Set your toaster to its highest setting – even then, it will probably take two attempts.

Keep a broom handle nearby, for the smoke alarm.

Prepare to be disappointed.

It is by no means the worst asparagus I have eaten, but it is far from the best – a little dry, and still too tough at the base. But it is still a handy thing to know, in case you should ever find yourself in the jungle, far from civilisation, armed with only a bunch of asparagus and a toaster.