Writes about way too many things. Has way too many opinions. Wants to tell all the interesting stories in the world.

Jan 6, 2020

Can you believe it’s 2020 already? The holiday season has already gone by, and the CS:GO pros are getting ready to return to the grind. Pampered with home-cooked food and a rare respite from the circuit, it’s easy to imagine how their thoughts would turn to the year ahead. What would their New Years’ resolutions look like if they were thinking of their teams? We took a guess for the top fifteen teams in the world below… The eager challengers (HLTV top 15-6) MiBR: Cure our amnesia It seems as if you have only just arrived completely forgotten how to play CS:GO. To be fair, losing coldzera doesn’t help, but looking at what he’s doing on FaZe, maybe you’re better off this way. However, there’s little of the explosive playstyle which made FalleN’s teams so effective and fun to watch, and one has to hope he’s given a bit more freedom to form his team in 2020. Speaking of which… FURIA: Don’t sign with MiBR No. Bad FalleN! Take your hands off the young Brazilians! Leave us alone! We’ve got our lovely little five-year contracts and a more promising project. Let’s not listen to the siren songs of the Immortals Gaming Club!

forZe: We won’t be forgotten Guys, remember us? What do you mean you haven’t heard from us since the Berlin Major? Did you miss our second-place finish at BLAST Pro Series Moscow immediately after? How about or title win at DreamHack Open Winter 2019? Doesn’t ring a bell? Maybe our 5-6th finish at EPICENTER then? No? Guess we’ll have to find a way to remain relevant in the new year beyond our guaranteed spot at Rio. ENCE: We won’t let our dreams be memes We went from fan favorites to the most disliked top side in a flash, and replaced EZ 4 ENCE with allu IGL memes. How about something new in the new year? SUMPLE 4 SUNNY? ALLU or NOTHING? Let’s get back in the community’s good graces! G2: We also won’t let our dreams be memes Isn’t it just insane that ocelote still couldn’t cobble together a strong CS:GO team for G2? They aren’t even the best French team right now, and despite the occasional promising showings, this core has never been able to find any consistent form. It really feels like it’s now or never for the kennyS-jaCkz-AmaNEk trio.

NiP: Let’s accept that it’s time to move on GeT_RiGhT is gone. Looks like f0rest is leaving too. The old guard is no more. Might as well rip it up and start over again. Maybe, just maybe, consider going international? Na’Vi: Look up the meaning of “anchor” in the dictionary Newsflash: it doesn't mean “one who is dragging the team down”, so maybe we need to reconsider this GuardiaN thing. FaZe: We’ll get a real in-game leader Listen, NiKo, we get it, you’re a great player. So why is our team doing worse than a Trabant on a F1 course? As awesome as you are, have you considered that you might, listen to this, might just not be cut out to be an in-game leader as well as a superstar? We’d like to stay in the top ten the next year so we probably need to poach someone with experience. There’s a Danish guy who’s doing wonders with a bunch of kids over on mousesports, maybe we could give him a try. 100Thieves: 1920x1080 Look, we had to use this joke somewhere! Vitality: Prove there’s more to the team than just ZywOo It’s going to be tough but if you could at least get shox to a positive K/D, maybe you could regularly challenge for titles again.

As for the rest of you, well, this is what it looked like for the entirety of 2019…

Yikes. The established elite (HLTV top 5) EG: Win a major I mean, tarik said they would! Though there’s work to do and a lot can change until May, the ex-NRG side that made it to the semis at Berlin has to be treated as a realistic contender for Rio. Liquid: We’ll find our mojo It makes sense to cast Astralis as Dr. Evil, and they’ve clearly succeeded in their masterplan: going back in time (or at least to the CS:GO circuit) and steal Austin Powers’ mojo. Though Liquid had a monstrously good spring/summer with a blitzkrieg Grand Slam as their reward, their confidence levels are just not the same since they’ve returned from the player break. Meditation, fake compliments, copious amounts of cocaine, use whatever it takes to start believing in yourselves again! For such fantastic fraggers, this is the key ingredient they’ve been missing at the events which took place at the tail end of 2019. OK, maybe don’t go with cocaine. I’ve heard it has some nasty side effects.

Fnatic: We won’t kick Golden again Yes, we’ve learned our lesson and we’ll just swallow our pride. Trophies and adulation will more than make up for that. Besides, look at FaZe! Mousesports: Let’s not fall apart We’ve seen this story before: mouz capitalizing on the troubles of the other top teams, temporarily taking top spots and challenging for titles while the giants are asleep. That squad fell apart the moment they kicked STYKO for Snax. Can they do better this time? Their accomplishments last December should give more than enough capital for them to continue to grow, but history is not on their side. Astralis: We won’t go on a hiatus this time Can you imagine how history would remember this side had they kept up their ruthless streak between Katowice and Berlin? Now, the Danes with the red star have a chance to truly turn that interim period into an asterisk. All they need is to keep up their motivation. Photo credit: HLTV