PHOTOGRAPH BY J. SCOTT APPLEWHITE / AP

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning rebuke to one of the nation’s oldest and most established law-enforcement agencies, House Republicans voted unanimously on Tuesday to abolish the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Unlike most House measures, which come up for a vote only after months or even years of sluggish effort, the bill to eliminate the F.B.I. was drafted in a matter of minutes on Tuesday morning, Republican staffers confirmed.

House Speaker Paul Ryan offered no specific reason for the Republicans’ sudden frenzy of activity to abolish the F.B.I., but said that the Bureau represented “big government at its worst.”

“This is an agency that, when given even the simplest task to do, can’t manage to do it right,” he said.

Representative Trey Gowdy of South Carolina bemoaned the F.B.I.’s “bloated and wasteful” annual budget of eight billion dollars, which he said could easily pay for an additional eleven hundred Benghazi investigations.