These updates seem to be every other day now and I’m quite liking how it feels. We just found out that the PM is still in hospital not on a ventilator or critical but still in need of care. However, it is still a pandemic and it is affecting far too many dispite the social distancing rules. I have a feeling it might be made stricter in the next week.

Today has been various waves of emotions, it seems as though so much is happening that the slightest thing can cause a meltdown (and believe me it has). I couldn’t even manage emailing a helpline service my mentor suggested to me because I was so overwhelmed by the questions and different ways they tried to contact me as if they couldn’t just use one.

I have tried to have a slower day, did some writing, some colouring and watched some videos. I even sat outside for the first time in a long time. I am struggling nontheless. My Autistic brain was not built for this. I just found out we won’t be able to get our weekly shop until Tuesday, yet another change I can’t quite process. When things like this happen I can’t figure out what I need and for how long. Fortunately I have enough to make the extra dinner but naturally I am concerned and anxious anyway. I won’t fight the meltdowns because that will only make me more exhausted and maybe rest in bed for a bit afterwards, I shouldn’t need to mask anymore even though I know I would have to at work, I am grateful for this time off. I just need to accept that it might be longer than two weeks and it will be a challenging return.

Does anyone else struggle with imposter syndrome when it comes to their Autism or any other mental disability? I know it is somewhat internalized ableism, I know I would never treat another person on the spectrum in such a terrible way over not working because it is completley valid. I have this little voice in my head telling me I’m not disabled enough because I do push through bad days normally and pay the price later. I shouldn’t have to pay the price, I know I won’t “get better” because I’m not sick, I just struggle most days and that won’t change much. I should be allowed time to myself. I should be allowed to rest. To unmask. It is important. Many others are resting now even if they don’t feel they need it. Why should I being any different? Why should it matter what my job is to determine how “disabled” I am and what I deserve? I need time to rest and I am going to take it. I will enjoy the good days because that will never discredit how bad the bad days are! I will enjoy the good moments and I will rest through the bad ones. My mood and my anxiety changes from minute to minute, I never know how bad it will be, but I do know at times like this it is likely to be pretty bad more often and I should protect myself and care for myself in these challenging times.

~ Kayleigh