Early Polls Indicate 44% of Respondents Saying "It's about damn time" and 32% Wishing For A Kick Instead of Punch


NEW YORK, NY (October 12, 2011) - Apparently seeking to ride the wave of popular anger being expressed by the growing "Occupy Wall Street" movement, today President Obama punched an investment banker in the face.

The punch occurred during a White House meet-and-greet around noon. After a brief speech on tax reform, President Obama called investment banker Ron Milner to the podium and then, without provocation or warning, delivered what witnesses describe as a "haymaker" punch to Mr. Milner's jaw. "That's for ruining the economy, asshole," Mr. Obama remarked, then spit at Mr. Milner's feet and walked away.


Early polls indicate the President's punch is receiving widespread voter approval, with 44% of respondents telling survey-takers "It's about damn time one of those rich pricks got their teeth knocked in" and another 32% saying they wished Obama had kicked Mr. Milner in addition to punching him.

On-the-street interviews with "Occupy Wall Street" protestors also indicate broad support for Obama's action. "I personally do not condone violence of any kind, but come on, you gotta admit that was pretty sweet," activist Louis Cartwright, 32, told Onion News Network reporters. "Obama was all like 'Bam!' and that dickhead banker was like 'No, not my perfect face!' I mean, I would prefer to see Obama push for financial regulatory reform, but that was still pretty awesome."


The banker punch may have also been a boon for President Obama's efforts to pass his American Jobs Act. When asked if he still opposed the bill this afternoon, a visibly nervous Republican house majority leader Eric Cantor said, "No no no. I'll pass whatever the President wants. P-p-please don't let him hurt me."

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