January 6, 2020

On Monday, Iran officially announced how it planned to retaliate against the United States. Esmail Ghaani, the Iranian General taking over the Quds Force, explained in a press conference.

“We will be launching an eSports team in order to finally bring down North America,” he stated in a press conference, “Instead of sending young soldiers to fight and die in our battles, we are going to send young soldiers to send digital avatars to fight and die in our battles. We’re innovating.”

He then went on to admit that he initially thought about doing things the “old-fashioned way”, allowing violence to beget violence, but dismissed it when his daughter told him “that’s so 2019.”

“It’s a New Year. Even amidst conflict, we as a human race must make strides to evolve.”

The retaliation announcement was met with cheers from the crowd as the streets of Tehran chanted “Death to NA” before hastily clarifying “in video games.” The plan seems to be a full frontal assault, with Iran targeting popular games like Fortnite and League of Legends for their digital domination.

UPDATE: President Trump has responded to the threat –

“I mean, if they want to come after us digitally, that’s fine, but, and I’m warning them – I am not a calm gamer. If they beat us in any video game, there will be more drone strikes.”