Omaha, NE – Anyone who has taken a CPR course knows chest compressions occur at about the same rate as the beat in the Bee Gees hit song “Stayin’ Alive”. Unfortunately, concertgoers got a little too excited once the song started playing at a show earlier this week.

According to witnesses at the scene, the Bee Gees were just about to wrap up the show like they always do – with an encore presentation of their smash hit “Stayin’ Alive”. Soon after the beat started, nauseating cracks and crunching sounds filled the amphitheater. “I looked around me and saw people just reaming each other’s chests. I mean really pounding on them. The sounds were horrifying!” said Dante Rodrigues, an innocent bystander. “One old lady’s poor chest turned to gelatin. It was like people turned rabid!”

After all of the chest injuries had been triaged, we talked with Carlee Pounder, one of the most vigorous participants in the chest assaults. “The second that beat hit, my instincts just kicked in. I couldn’t help it! I jumped on the nearest person and started cracking. It was such a rush,” she said. “Do I regret it? A little. Would I do it again? Absolutely!”

Donna Flailchest, an 87-year-old woman who was a victim of the unfortunate circumstance, was in stable condition by the time we met with her. “Those were some damn good compressions. I’m proud of all of these people who jumped right into action,” she said between breaths, chest rising and falling paradoxically. “What an exhilarating night, I haven’t been roughed up like that since-,” she continued, only to be cut off by her husband.

Luckily, no one died from the incident. The Bee Gees are now considering doing a world tour to teach CPR in mass-casualty situations. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved in this amazing story.

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