Act 1:

What is a wall and what is a door? The answer may surprise you. Welcome to Night Vale.

Eagle-eyed residents may have noticed from the signs littering every telephone pole and message board in town that Dr. Sarah Clemets, D.D.S is hosting an emergency dental care awareness festival at the Night Vale Society For the Promotion of Oral Hygiene. This spontaneous celebration of brushing and flossing promises to offer many fun, but important, instructions on keeping your smile clean and bright. As she told reporters earlier “Dental Care is so important, especially for the children, we need to make sure every child knows how important it is to maintain healthy smiles.” Dr. Clemets later said she would be willing to offer a free cleaning to any Night Vale resident who wishes to have one, provided there is, in her words, ‘enough time left.’

Well listeners, it seems that *teeth* is something of a theme on our program today, as we bring you a heartwarming story of Night Vale children and that old sprite, the tooth fairy. Several local children called the Night Vale Police Department last night to report that their teeth had been “stolen” from under their pillows without the tooth fairy’s customary payment of a shiny nickel or dime. Five-year-old Casey Castleberry of Downtown Night Vale is reported to have cried into the telephone for as long as twenty minutes.

Detective David Trayvor of the Night Vale Police assured the children that they would be on the lookout for any “winged tooth-nappers” and suggested, as an aside, that maybe some local parents have been a bit stingy with the tooth fairy and should treat the tots to the Olde Taffey Shoppe on Whitenettle Street as payment. “After all,” he said, “It’s only fair.” Detective Trayvor went on to point out that consumption of taffy can help build “Strong bodies and clear hearts” and that all children deserve a little indulgence now and then.

That is so true listeners, why I remember being not much older than little Casey Castleberry and losing my first tooth. I held it in my hands and wondered silently how something that once seemed so much a part of me had come out so easily. Would other parts break as easily? Are my bones as solid as I imagined them? Does anything last forever? I curled into a ball on my bed and cried my little heart out, clutching the small bone tightly, unsure of the nature of materials and the properties of matter. It was then that I was visited by my parents, who had heard my sniffles and they reassured me that all than I can perceive is real and solid and that this loss, this tooth, was just another one of life’s great mysteries and changes and that I must learn, as we all do, to let go. Later, they took me out for the biggest ice cream sundae I had ever seen at Biggen’s Ice Cream off Route 800, topped with hot fudge and three scoops of Biggen’s Hand-Made chocolate delight. Listeners, I may have had a huge tummyache after, but it was all worth it.

Act 2:

The Night Vale Council for Commerce is opposing a bill in City Hall today. The bill, proposed by The Night Vale Society For The Promotion Of Oral Hygiene, would ban the sale of all “tooth-staining substances” such as coffee, tea, tobacco, and red wine. The Night Vale Council For Commerce says the bill is a “disastrous attack on our freedoms and represents the overreach of the nanny state” and would lead to “widespread economic chaos.” Dr. Sarah Clemets, D.D.S, has responded by saying that the ban would save thousands in future medical bills and that Night Vale deserves to have every defense possible against tooth decay.

Breaking news from Lil’ Cactus Daycare. Reports have come in of children waking up from naptime the victims of another alleged toothnapping. According to the eyewitness account of Mary Sutter, owner and operator of Lil’ Cactus Daycare, the children settled into their naptime only to suddenly awaken several minutes later with deep-purple marks around their mouths. Five children report having lost teeth, teeth that were not even loose the night before. A search for the missing teeth has proved fruitless, but Detective David Trayvor took it upon himself soothe the distressed children by reminding them that soon they will have bigger teeth, better teeth, stronger teeth.

Act 3:

Recently, our humble community radio station got a kick onto the “blogosphere” with the creation of our very own Twitter account, courtesy of our new IT intern, Danny. Danny, who has recently stepped from the shadowy corners of the office and begun to take corporeal form, says it’s a great way to interact with fans of our show from around the world and elsewhere. So, Night Vale citizens, why not sign up and tell me what you see around our charming desert hamlet? Make your voice heard! Join the discussion!

Just looking at it now, we have a comment from longtime Night Vale resident Abigail Cooley: “My husband’s dentures have gone missing, along with several chunks of his lower jaw. “ This is very upsetting, she writes, because of the cost and time required to buy new ones. She hopes we at the radio can do something to find the missing dentures, or at least defray the cost. Thanks for writing in, Abigail! If anyone in Night Vale has a spare set of teeth or jaw, be sure to send it her way.

User “Actuallyalive75” says he’s been keeping his mouth clenched shut for the last few hours, trying to remind himself that all of his bones are still present and inside of him. “Tominrealife” says that his daughter has locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to leave. From behind the door, he can hear the sounds of brushing and small moans. Several tweeters report hearing soft voices and the buzzing of wings in the soda aisle at Mike’s Stop And Shop along with a sweet-sticky smell permeating every inch of the store. Sounds like Old Mike might be getting a visit from the county health department soon.

Thanks for the comments, loyal listeners. Your input is appreciated.

I was just handed this by our intern Danny, who is still only perceptible from a few angles, it would appear that Dr. Sarah Clemets, D.D.S, will be holding a press conference at the Night Vale Society For The Promotion Of Oral Hygiene concerning the town’s recent dental problems. Dr. Clemets promises to reveal the “one sure-fire solution for gum health” and that, it says here, “the children are not to blame.” She says drastic action must be taken to combat the the growing threat of tooth decay in Night Vale and that the only safe mouth is a clean mouth. Now, despite rumors to the contrary, we here at the radio station have always been stalwart defenders of civic health programs and anticipate the revelation of this sure-fire solution to the grim spectre of gingivitis.

Act 4: (weather)

Act 5:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Night Vale Society For The Promotion Of Oral Hygiene is no more. Moments before Dr. Sarah Clemets, D.D.S, was scheduled to deliver her press conference, the entire building and its inhabitants were swallowed into the earth by a massive sinkhole. While the police have set up a crime scene around the building-sized pit, early reports claim the hole extends deep into the earth and is studded, no, covered in bright, shining white teeth. While it is not yet known how far down the hole goes, there are signs of tunnels branching out from the central vent, leading far into and around the town.

Detective David Trayvor, while offering condolences to Dr. Clemets’ friends and family, nevertheless assured residents that this was “Clearly another sinkhole hoaxster trying to drum up business for her failing dental practice.” The City Council, speaking through an unwilling representative, has also issued a statement that the sinkhole poses no threat to residents, and agrees that this whole messy business was the result a particularly disturbed and desperate dentist. They also announced that Biggen’s Ice Cream would now be holding half-off toppings Tuesdays and free hot fudge for the kids. Man, those Council guys, aren't they great?

While the threat of the sinkhole and Dr. Clemets’ dental dictatorship may be over, it still leaves me with questions, loyal listeners. What is really solid anyway? What is permanent and what is ephemeral, subject to whims and change? How much is too much protection against decay? Against loss? Is it even possible or desirable to try and hold on something, our bones, the earth, against a future we can not and will never know?

Good Night Night Vale. Good Night.