

Punk might be a fun little subculture, but once you reach a certain age the novelty surrounding it seems to wear off. For some, it’s quicker than others (for some sadly, it never seems to go away). Whether it begins in your mid-20’s your mid-30’s, there comes a life in every punk’s life when he must stop wearing patchy vests and running the Food Not Bombs stall to grow up, to become a mature adult. But what’s a young punk to do without a cliquey, attention-seeking subculture to latch onto? That’s where Springsteencore comes in.

Take the elitism of punk rock and multiply it tenfold, throw in a couple of acoustic guitars and flannel shirts and you’ve got Springsteencore (also known by the names IKEAcore, due to its blandness and Orgcore due to the amount of Punknews weiners who worship this music). It’s everything bad about punk, but with the added smugness and self-satisfaction that comes with fans of “real music”, a.k.a. the worst fucking thing ever. After all, there’s nothing punks love to claim more than authenticity and what’s more authentic than being a jaded thirty-something with a flat cap, receeding hairline who drinks too much PBR and owns a liberal arts degree? If you thought 90’s punks listening to Social Distortion and worshipping Johnny Cash was bad, wait until you see a guy in his mid-20’s covered in Sailor Jerry tattoos and a 50’s dad haircut rocking out to the latest Chuck Ragan album while trying to get you to try his craft beer.

This type of music tends to be very popular with alternative upper-middle class white people; who despite the fact that they live comfortably and relatively stable, seem to be constantly searching for meaning and “a purpose” in live. One thing I’ve noticed is that more than half these bands tend to emerge from Florida, specifically the Gainseville area. Given that Florida has produced such top-notch bands ranging from Less Than Jake to New Found Glory to A Day To Remember, it’s quite shocking to hear such wussy and beta music coming out of the sunshine state. It doesn’t really matter in the long run, half of them end up claiming to be from New Jersey anyway.

The Gaslight Anthem are arguably the poster boys for Springsteencore (They’ve even got the approval of The Boss himself). Every cliché you can think of, they manage to embody: the beards, the sleeve tattoos, the over-emphasis on “deep” and “meaningful” lyrics, the faux sense of nostalgia for an idealised time in the past, it’s all here. This is the perfect band to listen to while you apply beard oil to your face while feeling superior to your younger brother because he went to an Asking Alexandria gig the other night while you were protesting at a university campus (also lol @ how the intro of the above video is a note-for-note ripoff of a Get Up Kids song, way to break the illusion guys)

Once upon a time, Chuck Ragan used to be the frontman of 90’s beardo punx Hot Water Music. Nowadays however, he makes his living as a third-rate Bruce wannabe with too much facial hair and an army of unwashed fans who all have Punknews.org as their homepage. The above video is pretty much what happens when you get a washed up punk singer, feed him nothing but Whole Foods for a good year and buy him a copy of Nebraska on vinyl. And yes, the end result is just as bad as it sounds.

Titus Andronicus are another band you can add to the long list of “punk bands desperately trying to appeal to the Pitchfork/Vice/Brooklyn Vegan crowd”. The forced New Jersey references, the “born to die” line (omg I refrenced da b0ss guise, am I real music nao?!) the fact that this was released by XL Recordings (home to such punk luminaries as Vampire Weekend, Radiohead and The XX) all scream of a pathetic attempt to sound authentic. According to the band, this track was taken from a concept album based around the American Civil War, because upper middle-class white people will clearly never stop fantasising about past events where they came out on top. This song is so fucking cheesy I don’t think Bruce himself would care much for it.

I’ll admit, I was a fan of Against Me!’s first couple of albums, but somewhere around 2005 they descended into the depths of Springsteencore bullshit and never returned. This is essentially your usual bland, cookie-cutter “alternative rock” that some Rolling Stone editor would consider “sticking true to the punk spirit” (probably while wearing a Fugazi shirt, lmao). I remember 4 years ago most tr00 punx straight up hated this band, until Laura Jane Grace came out as transgender, whereupon it was deemed “problematic” (god I fucking hate that word) to dislike them So if you ever wanted a quick way to make your band critic-proof, follow Laura’s example kids.

The Smith Street Band combine beta lyrics and general foolishness ala The Front Bottoms or Andrew Jackson Jihad but with the self-superiority and “credibility” of Springsteencore. The end result is tuneless, braying garbage with the added bonus of being sung in an ear-grating Australian accent. I mean Jesus Christ, I was born in rural Australia and this guy’s accent is too fucking much for me. Someone should just tell these pussies to man up and go to a Thy Art Is Murder gig or something, I guarantee it’d be way more fun than whatever whiny bullshit these losers are peddling.

Tell me, if you were the lead singer of a moderately successful pop punk band with thousands of fans who hang on to your every word, what would you do to ? Start an Americana band, that’s what! It’s what all the kids nowadays are into right? Never mind the fact that credible outlets won’t pay me any attention because I play Warped Tour as my day job, gotta win those Tumblr points somehow right? Brb, gonna go start a vaudeville troupe with my bros and make millions of dollars by patenting polio medicine, it’s totally not gonna backfire and bomb hard or anything.

In conclusion, I seriously cannot think of a more cringeworthy subculture than Springsteencore. At the end of the day, punk is supposed to be about having fun with your bros and enjoying life, not being a sad whiny beta about the state of children in a foreign country. If you’re a teenager and want to start a band, do the world a favour and don’t pretend to be something you’re not. For the love of god, don’t try and write out of your element and pander to a certain group, otherwise you end up with this cringeworthy shit up above.

What do you think? Are some of these songs actually somewhat decent? Should Dan Campbell go back to singing songs about the Kool-Aid Man? Should The Smith Street Band be castrated and force-fed to emus as punishment for their crimes against music? Let us know in the comments below.