psychologists operate under the assumption that not all children are created equally . They seek to find which particular styles are most likely to produce the most self-centered of the self-centered young. Helicopter parenting is usually the villain in these depictions because, so the theory goes, the overly responsive parent produces a child who feels entitled to have it all. Much of the research, such as a 2014 article by Wabash psychologists Robert Horton and Tanner Tritch, examines correlations between participants’ recollection of their parents’ parenting style and their current personality. Horton and Tritch found that the more controlling the parent was recalled as being, the higher the participant’s narcissism score. However, recollection of the parents’ overvaluation and support did not predict current narcissism levels.

This study, and the many others like it, examine the parenting-narcissism link from the child’s point of view. Because all of the parenting scores were recalled rather than observed, it’s difficult to discern any causal patterns from this and the bulk of the literature. No one is looking at just how prevalent parental narcissism actually is.

When you think about it, there's every reason to expect parents to have a certain degree of narcissism with regard to their children. By definition, your child is an extension of yourself. Even if you're providing the "nature" rather than the "nurture" to your child's development, you've invested a tremendous amount into who your children are and how well they make it in the world.

Starting from your child's first moments in the world (if not before), your child is seen by others as a reflection of you—your abilities, values, and even physical . There's no other reason for parents to invest as much as they do into their toddlers having "fashionable" clothing, shoes, and possibly jewelry. What difference does it make to the welfare of your child's health as to whether a onesie carries a designer logo?

Moving on from there, parents invest psychologically in many other ways. From their performance on the soccer field to their ability to gain admission to the top school for their age group, children provide constant reminders of how well you've raised them. Even in less significant ways, parents know they are judged by the behavior or attributes of their children. Walking through a supermarket checkout line, how often have you gazed critically at the parents of a melting-down 5 year old? You wonder why they can't discipline their child properly. Only the most socially imperceptive parent would ignore your dirty looks.

To be sure, not all parents are equally narcissistic—or equally unable to separate themselves psychologically from their children. One impressive study conducted by University of Iowa psychologist Jennifer McCabe statistically reviewed a large number of studies on thousands of mothers and their children to investigate links among maternal personality and adaptive parenting behavior. Mothers with "internalizing" (depressive or ) symptoms were less likely to demonstrate adaptive parenting styles, independent of their personality traits. McCabe defined adaptive parenting as it is considered in the literature—namely, the most adaptive parents set limits, but express warmth as they do so. The most adaptive mothers were the ones high on the personality trait of .

Variations in a mother's (and most likely a father's) personality, then, may influence the specific ways in which she raises her children. Well-functioning, non-pathological, and easy-going mothers seem to be best able to roll with the punches as their children grow and mature. They're the ones most likely, perhaps, to say they love their kids no matter what, but also to provide those kids with structure consistent with each child's maturity and abilities.

I would venture to guess that even the most stable, agreeable, and balanced parent nevertheless has a strong vested interest in his or her child. In fact, it's quite possible that the best parents actually do have the strongest narcissistic investment in their children. The parents who think their children should be forced to "work as hard as I did," that they should have to fend for themselves, and that they don't deserve special treatment may actually be the ones to produce the least well-adapted children.

It's also possible that feeling guilty about becoming one of those helicopter parents leads some parents to force themselves to act in ways opposite to their natural desire to do whatever they can to help their children. The more we socialize people to becoming over-invested parents, the more we may be interfering with their natural instincts to give their children what's best for their emotional and physical health.

I'm not a huge fan of in general, but the idea that parents need a certain level of narcissistic investment in their kids makes survival sense. If we watch out for our kids the way we watch out for ourselves, or even a little bit more, we're doing what we can to ensure the continuation of our species. It might mean that we spend a little more than we can afford on those fancy onesies, but it just may ensure their fulfillment, if not our own.

Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging. Feel free to join my Facebook group, "Fulfillment at Any Age," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions about this posting. Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2014

References

Horton, R. S., & Tritch, T. (2014). Clarifying the links between grandiose narcissism and parenting. The Journal Of Psychology: Interdisciplinary And Applied, 148(2), 133-143. doi:10.1080/00223980.2012.752337

McCabe, J. E. (2014). Maternal personality and psychopathology as determinants of parenting behavior: A quantitative integration of two parenting literatures. Psychological Bulletin, 140(3), 722-750. doi:10.1037/a0034835