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Recent and shocking discoveries about the dangers of chronic have led to an increase in research aimed at better understanding this debilitating psychological condition. Indeed, loneliness not only causes terrible psychological suffering, it also presents a huge risk factor to our physical health and literally increases our likelihood of an early death (read 10 Surprising Facts about Loneliness to learn more).

Now, a new study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology illuminates one of the main reasons it is so hard for lonely people to break the cycle of disconnection that traps them in their misery.

Before getting into the study, we need to understand a crucial aspect of loneliness—it’s definition. Loneliness is defined purely subjectively; it depends solely on whether a person feels emotionally and/or socially disconnected from those around them. For example, someone might seem to have friends and might even live with a partner but still feel extremely disconnected from everyone. Such a person might not realize they’re lonely and therefore might not think to address their emotional isolation or to challenge the psychological mechanisms responsible for creating the fears and anxieties that perpetuate their loneliness--which brings us to the study in question.

The study followed over a four year period and categorized them based on their loneliness histories. In the last stage of the study, participants were given vignettes which described situations of social inclusion (acceptance) and social exclusion (rejection) and were asked to rate a set of feelings and attributions about why the inclusion or exclusion occurred.

Compared to other groups, chronically lonely teens had significantly stronger negative reactions (emotions) to the scenes depicting rejection, and significantly weaker emotional responses to those describing acceptance. In other words, the chronically lonely teens were likely to experience rejection as more painful than their peers and they were likely to experience being included as less gratifying and validating.

A second set of findings was even more concerning. Chronically lonely teens tended to attribute the social inclusion in the stories to circumstantial factors (in other words, the person was included because of the circumstance and not because they were really wanted) but they attributed the rejections in the scenarios as being due to internal and stable factors (which means they interpreted the rejections as being due to the person’s fundamental flawed character and social undesirability).

Together, these mechanisms form perceptual and cognitive distortions that are likely to trap chronically lonely teens (and probably adults as well) in a state of ongoing loneliness, because they feel less positive about being included and therefore, are less likely to realize they are being accepted and liked for who they are as people.

On the flip side, they are likely to experience rejection as extremely painful and take it too personally, by assuming they are being rejected at their core and not due to any external circumstance. As a result, they are likely to withdraw and take much fewer risks both socially and emotionally, thus keeping them trapped in their loneliness.

The bottom line is that breaking the cycle of loneliness and emerging from its harsh grip requires a leap of faith and real bravery, as the person has to be willing to confront their worst fears head on. However, knowing these fears are actually exaggerations (at least to some degree) and realizing their perceptions are mislead them by painting a faulty and too harsh picture of why they are being accepted or rejected, might make it just a little easier for them to take the actions necessary to connect with others more deeply, and to emerge from their painful state of chronic loneliness.

To hear about my own experiences with these kinds of perceptual distortions and how I overcame my own loneliness watch my TED Talk.

And for a whole chapter of science based techniques for battling loneliness, check out Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts (Plume, 2014).

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Copyright 2015 Guy Winch

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