NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday. “No, thank you,” said the modern-day Siddhartha, opting to maintain his austere lifestyle by steadfastly refusing to indulge in such worldly pleasures as a small cup of bottled water or even a half-ounce bag of miniature pretzels. “I’m all set.” Sources confirmed that the great guru of discipline and abstinence then engaged in 70 minutes of self-mortification by resting his head against the cold window without asking for one of the airline’s free pillows.

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