by @ok__awesome

The NFL draft process is manic. Endless mock drafts predict every first round pick, over and over again for months in advance of the draft itself.

And then there’s the scouting reports and pre- and post-evaluations of players, teams, and selections. They’re written in a football scouting language all their own. It’s an NFL draft language that is at once self-satirizing and worthy of additional parody.

Enter, you know, us.

With the Random NFL Mock Draft Generator below, you can create an almost limitless number of possible NFL draft first rounds and player evaluations. Try it out. Use the results for some mock draft contest somewhere. Nobody really knows what they’re doing anyway.

$attribute = array( array(“fluid hips”),

array(“bubble butt”),

array(“high motor”),

array(“explosiveness”),

array(“suddenness”),

array(“fundamentals”),

array(“escapability”),

array(“football speed”),

array(“high ceiling”),

array(“raw ability”),

array(“straight-line speed”),

array(“elite knee bend”),

array(“vision”),

array(“second level ability”),

array(“fast twitch talent”),

array(“quick punch”),

array(“tweener skills”),

array(“measurables”),

array(“off field work ethic”),

array(“lack of character issues”),

array(“multi-system ability”),

array(“weight room commitment”),

array(“durability”),

array(“versatility”),

array(“cutting ability”),

array(“pads-on speed”),

array(“film room ethic”),

array(“football intelligence”),

array(“game speed”),

array(“big game ability”),

array(“next-level skills”),

array(“confidence”),

array(“lean body”),

array(“amazing hand-eye coordination”),

array(“calmness”),

array(“leadership ability”),

array(“relaxed under pressure nature”),

array(“field prowess”),

array(“headiness”),

array(“playmaking skills”),

array(“grit”),

array(“determination”),

array(“will power”),

);

shuffle($players);

shuffle($attribute);

for($pick = 0; $pick < 32; $pick++) { $draftpicknum=$draftorder[$pick][0]; $draftteam=$draftorder[$pick][1]; $draftplayer=$players[$pick][0]; $draftplayerposition=$players[$pick][1]; $draftplayerteam=$players[$pick][2]; $draftplayerattribute=$attribute[$pick][0]; $comment = array( array("The ",$draftteam," really needed a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," has the ",$draftplayerattribute," you look for in a ",$draftplayerposition,"."), array("Everyone knows that the ",$draftteam," were looking for a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," fills that need with his ",$draftplayerattribute,"."), array("Improving at ",$draftplayerposition," was a goal for the ",$draftteam," this offseason and getting ",$draftplayer,"'s ",$draftplayerattribute," at pick ",$draftpicknum," really takes them to the next level."), array($draftplayer," may not have been the highest rated player on everyone's board at ",$draftplayerposition," but the ",$draftteam," fell in love with his ",$draftplayerattribute," right away and had to have him at ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("Getting ",$draftplayer," at pick number ",$draftpicknum," is a great value pick at this spot for the ",$draftteam,"."), array("Teams want a guy with ",$draftplayerattribute," and ",$draftplayer," provides the ",$draftteam," that here at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array($draftplayerposition," might not be an obvious need for the ",$draftteam," at pick ",$draftpicknum," but they just couldn't pass on ",$draftplayer," here."), array("Scouts love ", $draftplayer," because no one has shows more ",$draftplayerattribute," than this guy, and teams like the ",$draftteam," need that in a player."), array("I can't think of a better pick for the ",$draftteam," at this spot than ",$draftplayer,". He's got the ",$draftplayerattribute," they desperately need at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("The front office guys with the ",$draftteam," told me they were really looking for a guy with ",$draftplayerattribute," and they think they got their guy in ",$draftplayerposition," ",$draftplayer,"."), array("Looking at tape on ",$draftplayerteam," the first guy that always stands out is ",$draftplayer," and the ",$draftteam," really got the ",$draftplayerposition," they needed with this guy."), array("When you watch as much tape as I do, you know guys with ",$draftplayerattribute," really start to stand out, and ",$draftplayer," is one of those guys. The ",$draftteam," got a steal of a ",$draftplayerposition," at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("I was extremely surprised to see the ",$draftteam," go with a ",$draftplayerposition," here at ",$draftpicknum," but ",$draftplayer," is the guy they wanted all along."), array("The ",$draftteam," really needed a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," has the ",$draftplayerattribute," you look for in a ",$draftplayerposition,"."), array($draftplayerteam," has a history of putting out great ",$draftplayerposition," and that history will continue with ",$draftplayer," going to the ",$draftteam," here at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("I talked to coaches and scouts at the Senior Bowl about ",$draftplayer," and they all agreed that he was one of the best ",$draftplayerposition," on the board. The ",$draftteam," will be very happy with this pick."), array("Sometimes we're too focused on the workout numbers and don't realize that guys with ",$draftattribute," like ",$draftplayer," are the kind of guys you really want on your team."), array("You can't question ",$draftplayer,"'s football IQ or his ",$draftplayerattribute,". The ",$draftteam," got a great ",$draftplayerposition," with this pick."), array("Everyone knows that the ",$draftteam," were looking for a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," fills that need with his ",$draftplayerattribute,"."), array("Improving at ",$draftplayerposition," was a goal for the ",$draftteam," this offseason and getting ",$draftplayer,"'s ",$draftplayerattribute," at pick ",$draftpicknum," really takes them to the next level."), array($draftplayer," may not have been the highest rated player on everyone's board at ",$draftplayerposition," but the ",$draftteam," fell in love with his ",$draftplayerattribute," right away and had to have him at ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("Getting ",$draftplayer," at pick number ",$draftpicknum," is a great value pick at this spot for the ",$draftteam,"."), array("Teams want a guy with ",$draftplayerattribute," and ",$draftplayer," provides the ",$draftteam," that here at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array($draftplayerposition," might not be an obvious need for the ",$draftteam," at pick ",$draftpicknum," but they just couldn't pass on ",$draftplayer," here."), array("Scouts love ", $draftplayer," because no one has shows more ",$draftplayerattribute," than this guy, and teams like the ",$draftteam," need that in a player."), array("I can't think of a better pick for the ",$draftteam," at this spot than ",$draftplayer,". He's got the ",$draftplayerattribute," they desperately need at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("The front office guys with the ",$draftteam," told me they were really looking for a guy with ",$draftplayerattribute," and they think they got their guy in ",$draftplayerposition," ",$draftplayer,"."), array("Looking at tape on ",$draftplayerteam," the first guy that always stands out is ",$draftplayer," and the ",$draftteam," really got the ",$draftplayerposition," they needed with this guy."), array("When you watch as much tape as I do, you know guys with ",$draftplayerattribute," really start to stand out, and ",$draftplayer," is one of those guys. The ",$draftteam," got a steal of a ",$draftplayerposition," at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("I was extremely surprised to see the ",$draftteam," go with a ",$draftplayerposition," here at ",$draftpicknum," but ",$draftplayer," is the guy they wanted all along."), array("The ",$draftteam," really needed a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," has the ",$draftplayerattribute," you look for in a ",$draftplayerposition,"."), array($draftplayerteam," has a history of putting out great ",$draftplayerposition," and that history will continue with ",$draftplayer," going to the ",$draftteam," here at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("I talked to coaches and scouts at the Senior Bowl about ",$draftplayer," and they all agreed that he was one of the best ",$draftplayerposition," on the board. The ",$draftteam," will be very happy with this pick."), array("Sometimes we're too focused on the workout numbers and don't realize that guys with ",$draftattribute," like ",$draftplayer," are the kind of guys you really want on your team."), array("You can't question ",$draftplayer,"'s football IQ or his ",$draftplayerattribute,". The ",$draftteam," got a great ",$draftplayerposition," with this pick."), array("Everyone knows that the ",$draftteam," were looking for a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," fills that need with his ",$draftplayerattribute,"."), array("Improving at ",$draftplayerposition," was a goal for the ",$draftteam," this offseason and getting ",$draftplayer,"'s ",$draftplayerattribute," at pick ",$draftpicknum," really takes them to the next level."), array($draftplayer," may not have been the highest rated player on everyone's board at ",$draftplayerposition," but the ",$draftteam," fell in love with his ",$draftplayerattribute," right away and had to have him at ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("Getting ",$draftplayer," at pick number ",$draftpicknum," is a great value pick at this spot for the ",$draftteam,"."), array("Teams want a guy with ",$draftplayerattribute," and ",$draftplayer," provides the ",$draftteam," that here at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array($draftplayerposition," might not be an obvious need for the ",$draftteam," at pick ",$draftpicknum," but they just couldn't pass on ",$draftplayer," here."), array("Scouts love ", $draftplayer," because no one has shows more ",$draftplayerattribute," than this guy, and teams like the ",$draftteam," need that in a player."), array("I can't think of a better pick for the ",$draftteam," at this spot than ",$draftplayer,". He's got the ",$draftplayerattribute," they desperately need at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("The front office guys with the ",$draftteam," told me they were really looking for a guy with ",$draftplayerattribute," and they think they got their guy in ",$draftplayerposition," ",$draftplayer,"."), array("Looking at tape on ",$draftplayerteam," the first guy that always stands out is ",$draftplayer," and the ",$draftteam," really got the ",$draftplayerposition," they needed with this guy."), array("When you watch as much tape as I do, you know guys with ",$draftplayerattribute," really start to stand out, and ",$draftplayer," is one of those guys. The ",$draftteam," got a steal of a ",$draftplayerposition," at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("I was extremely surprised to see the ",$draftteam," go with a ",$draftplayerposition," here at ",$draftpicknum," but ",$draftplayer," is the guy they wanted all along."), array("The ",$draftteam," really needed a ",$draftplayerposition," and ",$draftplayer," has the ",$draftplayerattribute," you look for in a ",$draftplayerposition,"."), array($draftplayerteam," has a history of putting out great ",$draftplayerposition," and that history will continue with ",$draftplayer," going to the ",$draftteam," here at pick ",$draftpicknum,"."), array("I talked to coaches and scouts at the Senior Bowl about ",$draftplayer," and they all agreed that he was one of the best ",$draftplayerposition," on the board. The ",$draftteam," will be very happy with this pick."), array("Sometimes we're too focused on the workout numbers and don't realize that guys with ",$draftattribute," like ",$draftplayer," are the kind of guys you really want on your team."), array("You can't question ",$draftplayer,"'s football IQ or his ",$draftplayerattribute,". The ",$draftteam," got a great ",$draftplayerposition," with this pick."), array($draftplayerposition," might not be an obvious need for the ",$draftteam," at pick ",$draftpicknum," but they just couldn't pass on ",$draftplayer," here.") ); shuffle($comment); echo '

‘,

‘ ‘,$draftpicknum,’ ‘,$draftteam,’ ‘,$draftplayer,’ ‘,$draftplayerteam,’ ‘,$draftplayerposition,’ ‘,implode($comment[$pick]),’ ‘,

‘

‘;

}