Michael Gove addresses no-deal concerns insisting ‘People have had enough of exports’

The UK’s no-deal planner Michael Gove is confident that fears about a three-month disruption at ports are unwarranted because people have had quite enough of the free movement of goods anyway.

Cabinet minister Michael Gove has been responding to a leaked government document outlining the horrendous impact of a no-deal Brexit by doing what he does best – thinking on his feet and talking bollocks.

“The apocalyptic vision of the future detailed in the Yellowhammer dossier was SO last week,” said Mr Gove who – astonishingly – is in charge of no-deal preparations.

“Customs checks won’t cause disruption at ports because UK businesses are frankly sick to the back teeth of trading with the EU.

“It’s quite simple – there are people in the UK and people in the EU. Instead of selling to the people in the EU we can just sell to the people in the UK. I’m not sure what people don’t understand?

“All the other fears are equally unfounded.

“No fresh fruits and vegetables? People love McDonald’s! Imagine having McDonald’s every day!

“Passenger delays at airports? Well, that happens anyway. And rest assured it won’t be anywhere near as bad as the delays at our internal train stations!

“A hard Irish border and undermining of the Good Friday Agreement with its commitments to exclusively democratic and peaceful means of resolving differences on political issues?

“Well, if the recent Tory leadership contest taught us anything it’s that democracy is overrated.

“Yellowhammer was an old worst-case scenario that didn’t take into account the fact that Boris would become Prime Minister.

“I hope that reassures everyone.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!