As if 82 episodes weren’t more than enough, let me introduce, Pokémon: The First Movie. Let’s get this over with.

In a blatant rip-off of The Land Before Time, we open on a serenely creepy underwater world. The narrator asks the almost exclusively underage audience probing philosophical questions. “What is life? Why are we here? Fuck if we know, but here’s the story of the world’s most powerful Pokémon for some reason.”

AHHHHH!!!@#!$@#%!# It’s that mega-powerful Pokémon we saw working for Shadowface McCatstroke a while back, and FUCK does that thing creep me out. I guess this movie is trying to tie up that whole subplot. He’s all hooked up to a bunch of nondescript tubes and wires, while the human scientists all talk about him as if he’s not even there. Rude.

Unable to tolerate such a blatant lack of manners, the Pokémonster explodes his flimsy glass prison in a fit of rage. Instead of freaking the fuck out and evacuating the lab like a normal person, the lead scientist prevents everyone from leaving so they can listen to the creature’s “psychic powers”. Erm, so what school did you get your degree from again?

The scientist explains to the Pokémonster that they cloned him from the rarest of all Pokémon: a weird little cat-monkey named Mew. Huh. After listening to people talk about nothing but Pokémon for 82 episodes, you’d think that one would have been mentioned. Guess not. This terrifying clone of Mew can communicate telepathically in the voice of a theatrically trained actor, and has been creatively dubbed “Mewtwo”. Hey, they’re scientists, not writers.

They all get a bunch of little science boners for the foreboding “serious tests” they have planned. Understandably, Mewtwo chooses this moment to run some “serious tests” on the awesome psychic powers they conveniently just told him about. The scientists all die in a series of fiery explosions, while the enraptured audience full of children greedily stuffs handfuls of popcorn down their throats.

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