“I still believe in the foundation of AA because it did save my life and help me get sober almost ten years ago,” says Adrian Wilson. She tells me she had been in the program for six years when she met a man at an Alcoholics Anonymous barbecue hosted by her female sponsor. The man asked for her card, saying he could help promote her clothing business. Wilson says she checked with her sponsor as to whether the man was a “safe” person and was told “yes—he’s an elder with 30 years sober.” A few weeks later, Wilson alleges that she went on a bike ride with him and then stopped by his house for waffles where he proceeded to sexually assault her “in every way, shape, and form.”

Wilson says she drove to her sponsor’s house, hysterical, immediately after the rape where her sponsor told her not to call the police or go to the hospital because “everyone in AA will hate [her].” She suggested that instead, Wilson “get on her knees and pray, work the steps, and look for her part in what happened.”

Wilson says she initially trusted her alleged perpetrator because “elders,” those with many years of sobriety in the program, are considered golden in the AA community—highly respected and put on a pedestal. Wilson ultimately decided to press charges and is now awaiting a second trial nearly three years after the alleged incident. Her first case ended in a mistrial this past summer. Wilson states her AA “family” disintegrated quickly when she began speaking out about the alleged attack.

“I tried to stay in the family because that was my support group and that’s what kept me sober. So, I went into meetings and I talked about it. I said: ‘I was raped by a man in AA,’ and I was hauled out of meetings by various women saying: ‘How dare you say that in a meeting.’ They said that I was going to scare newcomers, that I was going to keep them from getting sober.”

The recent avalanche of allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and other powerful members of the Hollywood community have been a horrifying reminder of the prevalence of sexual assault, harassment, exploitation and abuse in American society. There is something uniquely heartbreaking, though, about the way people who have been sexually abused in AA (and other 12 step groups) are encouraged to “look for their part” in what has happened to them.

In addition to that, the fear that goes along with being cast out of the AA community is about more than a loss of social and emotional support or employment. AA members are repeatedly told that leaving the fellowship will lead them to drink, which will lead them to die and that the community’s welfare is more important than the individual’s. “AA must continue to live or most of us will surely die,” states AA’s First Tradition. “Hence our common welfare comes first. But individual welfare follows close afterwards.”

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Leslie (who wishes to remain anonymous) was in AA for five years before she left, and says sexual harassment within the program is vastly different than it is in the outside world.

“It’s not the same. Not at all, because you’re taught that AA is the only way you’re going to be able to survive. You’re taught that if you leave meetings, ‘you’re going to drink, you’re going to use, you’re going to die,’” she tells me. “So, to speak out against sexual harassment in meetings is like risking your life. Leaving meetings means using. Using means jails, institutions, and death.” “Jails, institutions, and death” is another commonly used phrase taken from Narcotics Anonymous literature to refer to the inevitable fate ahead for those who leave the fellowship. Leslie also states she was told by a fellow AA member that she “wouldn’t be free” until she “found her part” in her own childhood sexual abuse. “I still believe in the program,” says Natalie Patterson, who has been attending AA meetings since 2011. “I think the fellowship is dangerous—extremely dangerous.” Patterson states she was also sexually assaulted by a man that she met through AA. When she spoke out about the assault and filed a personal protection order against her alleged attacker, she says that she was ostracized by fellow AA members and that her membership at the club where her home meetings were hosted was revoked. Patterson attempted to prosecute her alleged attacker but was unsuccessful. She won a settlement against him in 2016.