As we stand, our government spends too much money seeking militaristic and arguably imperialistic profit. We send countless men and women to their deaths so that the ruling class may gain even more control and influence over a region. But what is it that is it they are after? The answer is simple: oil. It is an outright lie that the troops we have sent over were fighting for the freedom of the American people. If the United States were being invaded, then you could definitely say so. The problem is that there was no immediate enemy. Where the hell am I going with this? See, oil makes the world go round. It powers our homes and our cars, they make paints and plastics out of it. Think about it, plastic dinosaurs out of what was once a real dinosaur. It's crazy! And maybe it is worth fighting for. The issue no one wants to address is that one day that oil will run out. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but eventually it will all disappear and everyone will be sad. In order to avoid global depression, we propose to you a seemingly nonsensical (albeit absolutely correct) solution: replace everything with snakes. Let that sink in for a bit. In case you didn't know, snakes like to mate meaning that they are self-sustaining and renewable, unlike oil. Snakes are cute and mysterious, unlike oil. I think some of them live above ground, unlike oil. You might be saying to yourself, "Snakes?! Preposterous! You can't make snakes into a shirt or run a locomotive on snakes!" Not with that attitude, you can't. We believe that you can do most anything with snakes. You can use them as scarves, whips, bicycle inner tubes, belts, shoelaces, AC adapters, headphones, best friends, the list goes on and on! Some of them come with built-in rattle technology which makes them absolutely perfect for children to play with. Another upside to this is you not having to pay super close attention to your kid. Just try and get close to that baby. Hah! Your funeral. In conclusion, replacing everything with snakes will more than likely fix a lot of America's problems, there is but one way to find out. So the next time someone waves a Gadsden flag in your face kindly remind them that snakes make for some mighty fine footwear. Addendum: we don't want to hurt snakes, we love them and want to enjoy them as every aspect of our lives.