I spent part of my Saturday attacking an enormous pile of catalogs that’s been growing in my kitchen for the last six or so weeks. I justified the time spent on this project by telling myself that it would certainly end in some kick-ass Christmas presents for friends and family members. When I got to one particular catalog, though, my industriousness came to a crashing halt.

It was simply too much to take.

The catalog came from Restoration Hardware Baby and Kids. As I paged through it, I was struck by its uber-luxurious bedding and furniture options, all cut down to dwarf-size for the 10 and under set. I also was struck by how painfully obvious it was that whomever was in charge of styling these rooms for the website and catalog clearly doesn’t have kids of his or her own.

Witness:

Realizing that playthings would certainly spoil the aesthetic of their daughter’s bedroom, little Emmaline Clothilde Sinclair-Murray’s parents wisely limited her to an iPad and one rag doll.

Nothing says ‘future a**hole’ like a $1599 mini Kensington sofa…

Oh, Anne Cox Carter, isn’t it quaint pretending we’re poor and sleeping on the floor, even though you have four beds in your room?

Hmm, what shall I do today? Maybe I’ll get out my vintage Monopoly game… It’s only missing four pieces. Or perhaps I’ll reread a selection from my antique book collection. Or, or… I know! I’ll write a haiku in German about how much I hate my parents!

Lest you were wondering whether this is truly supposed to be a child’s room, the stylists helpfully placed an empty soda bottle by the bed. DEAD GIVEAWAY.

Six-year-old Mary Keats Rothtorkington may end up wearing many hats in her lifetime, but there’s really only one that interests her.

Will you LOOK at that Macbook LEFT OPEN ON THE FLOOR?! That EMPTY SODA BOTTLE?! And THOSE CLOTHES, CARELESSLY TOSSED ON A CHAIR? *sigh* Teenagers can be SOOOOO MESSY.

In order to help little Masterson Archer Reynolds IV and his nanny keep track of their whereabouts, jetsetters Arch and Bitsy Reynolds thoughtfully had their interior designer incorporate these world clocks into the design of their son’s room.<

And let’s not forget the babies!!!

For the Pence-Romneybilts, life was one long, luxurious dream… until the night the chandelier in the nursery fell.

For the Drumpfenhagens, life was one long, luxurious dream… until little Alexandra crashed into the armoire while learning to walk and impaled herself on a shard of glass.

For the Van Der Billingsleys, life was one long, luxurious dream… until little Finley toppled off the changing table while their family photographer attempted to take his picture.

For the Van der Zuskinds, life was one long, luxurious dream… until little McHarperson began suffering from recurring violent nightmares of hungry wild animals waiting until nightfall to eat him.

Yes, this is the weird, warped world of Restoration Hardware Baby & Child.

I think I’ll stick with Target’s kids furniture aisle.

Once is never enough! You’ve GOT to check out VOLUME TWO of Warped Childhood, Restoration Hardware-Style and Christmas, Restoration Hardware-Style!

And for more warped humor, like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter!

Images via Restoration Hardware. Obvs.

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