CLEVELAND – With the holidays wrapping up and the New Year on the way, many Americans are excited to finally leave their families, seeking solace in the monotonous refuge of daily life. But just when Cleveland native Jack Li thought he was going to make it safely to the holiday season finish line without getting into a prolonged political argument with his family, his Uncle Jim decided to tell him what.

“Let me tell you what,” said Uncle Jim pointing his 8th Budweiser Light in no particular direction whatsoever. “This country is in serious trouble right now and I really don’t think the liberals got what it takes to undo what Obama has done”

Despairingly, Li replied.

“At Thanksgiving you said he hadn’t done anything in his eight years as president. Now you’re saying he’s done too much?” asked a weary Li. “Also, how am I supposed to even respect your so-called political knowledge if you still think Obama is responsible for 9/11?”

“Yeah he is, but let me tell you what,” repeated Uncle Jim, while Li attempted to asphyxiate himself with his third glass of whiskey. “Whether or not he’s responsible for 9/11, which he is, he’s definitely a Muslim,”

Li could have replied with the facts that President Obama is an avid beer drinker, eats pork, does not fast during Ramadan, supports gay rights, is pro-choice, was baptized in a church, and has yet to schedule an Air Force One landing near Mecca. Perhaps this rebuttal would have made his uncle aware that equating all Muslims with a select radical few is a fundamental logical fallacy, and more importantly, a ridiculous way to humiliate an entire community of people. But exhausted from several days of verbal sparring, Li simply sighed, went “mhmm”, and finished what was left in his whiskey glass. As he finished, there was a knock on the door, and the Li family greeted a choir of carolers. One of the carolers, Stacy, has been dating Li’s cousin, Charles, since the two graduated from The Ohio State University six years ago.

“Hark, the herald angels sing, when is Chuck gonna gift me a ring? I’m a good girl and my temper’s mild, and my clock’s ticking so I need to have a child”

After the song and bidding Stacy goodnight, Charles joined his cousin Jack on the couch and poured them both another glass of whiskey.

“Hey, you’re at that tiny liberal arts school, right lil’ cuz?” asked Charles to Jack. “You mean the 8th largest school in the nation? Yeah” replied Jack.

“Yeah, whatever. You’re a religion major right?”

“Philosophy.”

“Same thing” replied Charles, who also thinks that Astrology is a legitimate science. “I bet a lot of kids in your philosophizing program think Bernie Sanders is onto something with raising the minimum wage… Let me tell you what, Santa himself would have to jack up his toy prices if he paid his elves those kinds of wages” said the guy who majored in anthropology and minored in “bitches,” and now works as a DJ who headlines those wild Tuesday nights in one of Downtown Cleveland’s most average nightclubs.

“You’re seriously equating the fictional Santa’s ‘Little Sweatshop’ to a policy that hasn’t accounted for inflation for like, the last 30 years?” Li balked. Unfortunately, Suzie, the youngest niece of the family, overheard the words “fiction” and “Santa” together in the same sentence, had an epiphany, and began crying, making Li the biggest piece of shit at the gathering.

As if on cue, Li’s father, Frank, drunkenly burst through the front door in full Santa garb, which only caused Suzie’s wailing to increase. Li, blurring the lines between irritation and inebriation, walked over to Suzie, patted her on the back, and began to tell her what.