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Count Dankula: The Nazi Pug Guy, big-leaguing at the symphony, praying for bluetooth, Aspartame Alarmists, The Argument Tamagotchi, the worst part about prison, a Comic-Con prank, child free and happier than can be conceived by mortals, the press, Asterios’ band, my simple plan to stop the next Hitler, a lost box of guns, Jamie Lynn Hughes drops a dog, farting on airplanes, brainwashing, a gerry-rigged air conditioner, why Comic-con is a gigantic waste of money, booth-based ToS violations, sensible chuckle-fests, dealing with blackout guilt, and a disagreement with Sean; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Computers tell me what to eat, where to go and how to get there, what useless crap to buy, who I should even attempt to bang; it’s about time they did more. I want a computer that tells me not just who to bang, but how to bang them. Tinder has that data. I want the computer to tell me not just what to eat, but when to shit it. Put it on the calendar. I want a computer that tells me not where to go and what to do, but how good of a time I had there, and if I would pretend to do it again. Most importantly, I want a computer that argues about impossibly complex, poorly-researched topics with jackasses on the internet that explode with links like a know-it-all pinata without me because we have all wasted way too much time doing that in the past twenty years. The Epoch of Pedantry, the period of time between the free cost of unlimited information and AI singularity required to harness it, needs to end, but first…

Remember that episode of Married: With Children when Al Bundy trains Buck to do the NO MA’AM salute to annoy Peg? But then Marcy sees it, gets offended, and has Al arrested and sent to jail for a year under a new anti-offensive speech ordinance? You might not remember that episode because it never happened. It’s too preposterous for a plot of Married: With Children. However, that exact series of events is currently happening in real life to a man from Scotland.

In today’s episode, Count Dankula calls in and talks about training his girlfriend’s pug to do a Nazi salute to annoy her, and then getting arrested for it, getting lynched by the press, and now facing trial and up to a year in prison for a harmless prank. Here is a video of the prank:

Maybe the Scottish police have a point. After all, there is no more perfect weapon in meme warfare than a dog, the child-soldier of the great meme war. A dog has no concept of offense and is thus capable of unspeakable acts of triggering.

Actually, this would have made a good Married: With Children episode. Al railroaded and presumed shitty in public opinion because Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal stalked Kelly until she accidentally said something incriminating about him, F.A.N.G. contacting Gary’s Shoes to get Al fired and Peg blacklisted from the mall, Jefferson being Al’s lawyer for some reason. Al would go to court and the judge would be a giant fat lady who immediately announces that she’s cranky because she was too busy declaring guilty verdicts to eat lunch. And after making a bunch of fat lady jokes like, “Your honor…I’d rather be on her than under her,” Al would cap off his defense with an impassioned plea to common sense about how doing anything is offensive if you think about it hard enough, and that in waging a war on the normalization of evil, we’ve normalized increasing acts of evil, and that Al would know all of this because in highschool, he once scored four touchdowns in one game, and all the charges would be dropped. But that’s the happy television ending. Hopefully, the Scottish courts show at least the same level of deliberation and reason that I’ve come to expect from Married: With Children.

Then, Cantillions calls in to tell us about Comic-Con; a Marvel advertising festival celebrating long lines, shit-rate TV series, and female empowerment spoken to smelly roomfuls of jerks who will cheer for anything as long as it has a Spiderman logo on it. Cantillions also brags about his heroic trolling exploits that you can see here:



And here:

Looks like a fan is floating around at Comic Con… Or @DickMasterson has a cheeky new email with @Madcucks pic.twitter.com/X9FXuKiyR7 — Kevin (@kevindoubledash) July 21, 2017

Next week Mister Metokur is calling in. You heard it! Send me your questions.

Metal outro remix by Max Sindermann.



Some fan art based on this episode that might get you arrested.



A thumbnail of Failure Sweat by Clay Burton



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