Did the Russians really rig the 2016 US election? You bet they did!

Secret documents recently discovered in a bin behind a Kremlin-district 24-hour cabbage and tobacco store reveal for the first time the devious extent of Russian interference. These plans were decades in the making.

Read on, as never-before-seen communiques between Russian agents Sergei Potrov and Dimitri Bienko outline the wicked plot – beginning in 1947, on the day of Hillary Clinton’s birth:

Dearest Dimitri I am pleased to report that phase one of Operation Cankles is total success! Soviet implantation of stupid American woman resulted in birth today of hefty girl-child destined to be unelectable candidate 70 years from now. Child is basically just ankles and head, similar to sturdy and hard-working female stock from adored Ilmensky Mountains. In decadent America, nobody will ever vote for such a noble being. Yours in Soviet solidarity, Sergei

Back in Moscow, Bienko receives the news from his undercover US-based operative with communist glee:

Dearest Sergei, You have done very well, comrade! Especially with the implantation. I trust the child has your eyebrow. We have already begun looking at similar strategies in other western nations. When you are next on leave, ask me to show you plans for Operation Julia. Australia is next to face unforgiving Soviet wrath! Yours, Dimitri

As the years go by, our pair of dedicated spies continue to monitor Hillary’s progress and other events:

Dearest Dimitri, Greetings again from Americas. Heh heh heh! Apologies for chuckles, but am watching hilarious documentary called Honeymooners. Is about domestic violence. Very good. Am needing laugh because hips in pain from imitating the Elvis Presley. Will send you LP of the Presley once Russia has record players. Hillary now at school and shunned by corrupt classmates in thrall of military-industrial capitalism. All proceeding exactly according to strategic project timeline. Yours in everlasting revolution, Sergei

Called away from Operation Cankles for a brief and triumphant mission to Dallas in 1963, Potrov soon returns to his main quest:

Dearest Dimitri, My ‘holiday’ in Texas was wonderful, thank you for asking. Not so good for Agent Oswald, however. I will miss him. He could make a fine okroshka soup, which is very rare here. The Americans, they prefer their eggs shelled and cooked. And from birds. How is this for funny? Hillary ran for president of high school and lost to braggart teen with big crazy hair and grabby hands! Is almost like a practice run or something. Next step is to find university for her. Wellesley is ideal. More communists than all of Soviet Union, except parents drive Cadillacs (sort of like our ZiL, but wheels stay on). Yours in earnest progress, Sergei

Occasionally Agent Potrov would vanish from the attention of his Soviet overlords, as this urgent 1967 cable shows:

Comrade Sergei Potrov, We have not heard from you since you volunteered to investigate the ‘counterculture movement’ in San Francisco three months ago. We assume that your one message, requesting ‘more bread, man’ to buy ‘reefer and doobies’, was written in a code unknown even to our finest cryptographers. Also, the message was sent on paper from which several strips had been torn. Have you insufficient funds to purchase cigarettes? Please contact your superiors immediately. And stop playing Creedence on our interspy sonic network. This is not what the Soviet surveillance system is for. Yours in concern, Central Command

During the mid-70s, the Russians toast a mission-advancing coup:

It is not to be believed! Hillary is getting married – to a man! You owe me 50 rubles, Dimitri. The fellow is Bill, called by friends ‘horn dog’, ‘el squeezo’ and ‘the Arkansas assman’. He is very political. All his girlfriends say so. By ‘all his girlfriends’, I mean whole female population of Little Rock. He go through them like great winter purge of traitor generals. This can only assist our mission. Perhaps this Bill will even make it to the White House, if he can keep it in his pants for long enough (is phrase I pick up here). Yours in jubilation, Sergei

Even tectonic global changes could not sway Agents Potrov and Bienko from their cause:

Dearest Sergei, Alas, our beloved Soviet Union is no more. Gorbachev has ruined everything. Please do not give up on Operation Cankles. It may prove to be the final major accomplishment of our great land and heroic peoples. In other news, our budget has been slightly trimmed. Suggest you monitor Hillary from American streets, where lucrative sign-holding job will provide cover and help pay rent. Yours in Glasnost, Dimitri

Finally, on November 8, 2016, Sergei’s long mission comes to a victorious conclusion – on the veteran agent’s 94th birthday: