TORONTO

If I were Mayor Rob Ford, I’d tie one on, pronto. Wild day at the office.

The latest headline in Ford Frenzy: SEX AND VIOLENCE!

Pass the crackpipe, pal.

If Ford hangs on after a day like that, he’s Kevlar, not Teflon. Says he’s not budging. And don’t bet against him.

The violence, or the threat of it, happened at city council’s meeting Wednesday, a.k.a. Rumble in the Jungle.

But let’s start by adding “lewd and crude” to the mayor’s growing resume. (And subtract Santa Claus Parade marcher. They’ve told him to stay away.)

Bunga-bunga, baby. Boorish does not do justice to it.

The latest Robbie Bomb includes allegations of a suspected call girl partying in the mayor’s office and Ford’s drunken, shall we say wooing, of two other women at City Hall.

I knew sex would raise its head in this scandal — it always does — but I’m ecstatic to report there’s still no mayoral sex tape.

Ford’s alleged vulgar verbal assaults occurred during the notorious St. Patrick’s Day outing. Another drunken stupor among friends, eh?

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. I should have brushed up on my Italian. Silvio Berlusconi, meet Rob Ford.

Sex and violence. Should have brushed up on my mixed martial arts.

I had ringside seats at Rumble in the Jungle, the big grudge match in city council chambers. Shades of Muhammad Ali. Hit it, champ.

“That all you got, George? That all you got?”— Ali to Foreman, Rumble in the Jungle, 1974.

“That all you got, Denzil? That all you got?”— Ford, in so many words, to Minnan-Wong, Rumble in the Jungle 2, 2013.

Bloodbath, Mr. Ford? It nearly was one for real. In the main event, in council chambers, the mayor went for Councillor Minnan-Wong, restrained (reluctantly) by Ford’s brother Doug and (courageously) by Councillor Maria Augimeri, clearly fighting above her weight class.

Thank God, she did. Minnan-Wong is half the mayor’s size. It was his motion to ask Ford to apologize and seek help with his demons. Council passed it overwhelmingly, though it means diddly.

“The whole world is watching,” said Minnan-Wong. “Somewhere, a responsible adult has to appear, draw a bright moral line, tell the truth, and say unequivocally what won’t be tolerated.”

Yes, daddy. Let the intervention begin.

Minnan-Wong escaped unscathed earlier when the mayor bellied up to him right in front of Speaker Frances Nunziata.

Minnan-Wong up and demanded an apology, saying he felt threatened. I don’t blame him.

The mayor said, basically, screw you. And council lurched on. Member after member rained bodyblows on Ford.

They came from the left, naturally, the likes of Gord Perks and Adam Vaughan mewling about how shocked and appalled they are at Ford’s lifestyle.

But big sweeping overhands also came from the right, including Ford’s former budget chief, Mike Del Grande, who actually turned his back whenever the mayor spoke.

Jab, cross, hook, uppercut....

How many fingers ya see, champ?! What day is it, Robbie? What’s your name?

In his shrinking corner, Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti played cut man, scolding politicians about throwing stones in glass houses and advocating drug tests for the lot of them.

Councillor Joe Mihevc was taking his shots at Ford about the time the latest Robbie Bomb court documents were dropped.

Sadly, for Ford’s foes, there’s nothing impeachable in there. Just more Drunken Stupor Eruptions. Drunk driving, drug possession — you’ve got to catch ’em in the act. Smoking a joint? Well, who hasn’t?

Conduct unbecoming, sure, but it’s still the mayor’s call to stay or go.

Son of a bitch, he just might dance out of this.

Ever see a 300-pounder float like a butterfly? There’s sting left in this bee.

His counter-punches are getting weird, though.

“I really effed up,” he told councillors, before vowing to get back to work with or without them.

Much to my shock, he admitted buying illicit drugs. He countered Minnan-Wong’s motion with his own — to test all councillors’ hair for drugs and booze.

Funny, but Ford began Rumble in the Jungle 2 with a proclamation.

It’s now the “Year of Truth and Reconciliation.” As in Native Canadians. But you can see why everyone tittered and tweeted.

Truth and reconciliation?

Ha! You have a better chance of knocking out Mike Tyson.