1. Sex toy for masochists. 2. Knife blunter (use before using knife to cut anything which is tougher than your finger.) 3. Loofah for celibate masochists 4. Office automation tool (leave propped against “Enter” key. Go to lunch.) 5. Mobile phone placeholder (use to mock people who don’t have the latest model) 6. Donation to the New Ruling Class to ensure favourable treatment when the time comes. (We need to build a very long wall to accommodate all the people who will be first against it come the revolution) 7. Remote-control for other people’s children. 8. Stepping stone for unambitious people who want to get on the property ladder 9. Paperweight for obsessive-compulsives. 10. Unremote-control for other people’s children. 11. Turner prize exhibit, in conjunction with three weeks worth of soiled underwear, half a rhino and twelve gallons of bolognese sauce. 12. Inspiration to Volvo styling department, circa 960 740, 240 era 13. Medium of artistic criticism when confronting door-to-door carol singers. 14. Puzzle for lost-property department of London Underground. 15. Telephone bill reduction device. Attach firmly to handset. 16. Trans-glazial paperwork delivery facilitator. Try throwing a ransom demand through someone’s window if it isn’t attached to a brick. 17. Map of the universe. Every particle in the universe exerts a force on every other particle. Careful study of a brick should allow an alert person to deduce the precise form of the rest of creation, therefore. 18. Patch for brick coloured objects with brick shaped holes in them. 19. Extremely Heavy duty postcard (use more than one stamp.) 20. Budget toe-stubber. The immutable laws of fate dictate that every so often you must bring an unshod toe into contact with something unyielding and that it will hurt like hell. Fulfil this obligation without risk of damage to your delicate furniture. 21. Indestructible Lego for behaviourally subnormal toddlers. 22. Medium from which certified public accountants with a horticultural bent may construct a rockery. 23. Corpse substitute – ideal if granny recovers but you’ve already put a deposit on the coffin. 24. Improvised cruise control to allow driver to retrieve important objects from boot during long motorway journeys. 25. Memento for unemployed hod carriers. 26. (Very bad) substitute for a drowning person in badly designed beginner’s lifesaving classes 27. Fair swap for two half-bricks 28. Weetabix for gentlemen (or ladies) who have something to prove about their masculinity. 29. Improvised chock for roadside replacement of wheel with punctured tyre. NB: it is very bad from to remove a brick from somebody’s house for this purpose. 30. Extra long-lasting salt lick for gullible cattle. 31. Latest idea for a novelty computer mouse. Ideal physiotherapy for anyone who needs highly developed muscles in one wrist. Bachelors, maybe. 32. Turns bats into insults. (Think about it.) 33. In a shared house, reserves sufficient fridge doorspace for a bottle of milk during periods when you’ve forgotten to buy any. 34. Portable version of the famous South American ball game (in which the balls are whacked against a wall with stout wooden bats until the prisoner confesses.) 35. Stress-tester for washing machines in a laundrette that’s annoyed you. 36. Tests the safety of safety matches. 37. Brita filter for extremely patient people 38. Suppository for wannabe Charlie Chaplin impersonators 39. Thermal cat torture device in similes about agitation 40. Small change in the event that Britain adopts a wall-based currency. 41. Squeezable stress-buster toy for Enron executives and Iraqi military officials. 42. Kitten compactor 43. Rhyme in Limerick about Jeffery Archer (it's a subtle one!) 44. Patio for window boxes 45. Home owner paranoia inducer. Say "This is yours, do you want it back?" 46. If yellow, a memento for Dorothy 47. Thumb masher, in emergencies when your hammer is in for a service. 48. Fly swat for people with no sense of proportion. 49. Packing material for airmail consignments if you hate the company you work for. 50. Fun sized breeze block. Help Nigel reach 100 uses, email us with your suggestions!

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