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Look, I have a name. I don’t know why this bearded man insists on speaking to me in Spanish and calling me El Gato. Apparently that is Spanish for cat but I don’t call him El Hombre or El Jefe, now that he’s had a promotion and started wearing ties. He is called Jeremy Corbyn.

Why should I speak Spanish? I live in Holloway. At least it’s better than having to answer to Chairman Miaow, which is what John McDonnell called me that time when he came round for what they called a “tea con leche”. He was holding a red thing, which I hoped was a bag of Dreamies cat food, but it was just some boring book.

I am of good English stock and called Baron Horace Balfour II but the tracksuited one eschews titles in the name of equality. Pah.

I was discussing this with Tom Watson’s cat, who he hasn’t named either, though I call him Jerry. What is it with these guys? Not giving your pet a name shows a lack of imagination. Also, none of El Jefe’s pals have dogs. That man Ken Livingstone even has lizards and newts. Does that mean cats are more socialist? Dogs seem to have an inherited sense of privilege, lording it around Hampstead Heath, while we cats stick to the streets popping into whichever houses we please because property is theft. Also because that nice woman down the road who shops at Waitrose gives me meaty Miaowing Heads treats, which I never have at home.

Corbyn never has anything tasty and cats cannot live on vegan stews alone. You’d think that promotion would have meant an upgrade on our weekly shop but it’s the same old budget stuff, with the occasional Mexican coffee from Corbyn’s wife, Laura.

Dogs you should follow on Instagram 12 show all Dogs you should follow on Instagram 1/12 Dogs of Instagram 2/12 Pumpkin the poodle @ps.ny Alamy Stock Photo 3/12 Marnie the Shih Tzu @marniethedog © Image Source / Alamy Stock Photo 4/12 Maru the Shiba Inu @marutaro Alamy Stock Photo 5/12 Manny the French bulldog @manny_the_frenchie 6/12 Menswear Dog the Shiba Inu @mensweardog 7/12 Digby the griffon @digbyvanwinkle 8/12 Champ the golden retriever @thatgoldendog 9/12 Bruno the dachshund @brunotheminidachshund Alamy Stock Photo 10/12 Maple the border collie/golden retriever/Sheltie mix @acoustictrench Alamy Stock Photo 11/12 Tuna the chiweenie @tunameltsmyheart 12/12 Taco the Portuguese water dog @tacothecitydog 1/12 Dogs of Instagram 2/12 Pumpkin the poodle @ps.ny Alamy Stock Photo 3/12 Marnie the Shih Tzu @marniethedog © Image Source / Alamy Stock Photo 4/12 Maru the Shiba Inu @marutaro Alamy Stock Photo 5/12 Manny the French bulldog @manny_the_frenchie 6/12 Menswear Dog the Shiba Inu @mensweardog 7/12 Digby the griffon @digbyvanwinkle 8/12 Champ the golden retriever @thatgoldendog 9/12 Bruno the dachshund @brunotheminidachshund Alamy Stock Photo 10/12 Maple the border collie/golden retriever/Sheltie mix @acoustictrench Alamy Stock Photo 11/12 Tuna the chiweenie @tunameltsmyheart 12/12 Taco the Portuguese water dog @tacothecitydog

Sometimes a woman called Diane comes around, and a man called Seumas Milne, who mainly eats salad from a place called Pet a Manger. But I think they might be allergic to me. They always seem too busy to stop and cat-ch up.

Jerry Watson told me that they’re all planning to move house to somewhere near Big Ben. At the moment there’s a cat called Larry there and lots of mice. Yum.

I hope it isn’t too loud near Buckingham Palace, those corgis can cause a racket. Talking of that, does anyone know where I can find a nice pair of cat earplugs? This Corbo fellow won’t stop whistling songs from the Seventies at me. I’m tired of the Red Flag, and Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree is repetitive, I want to listen to Justin Bieber. I heard Biebs being played down Archway and he likes the NHS, so surely the boss would approve.

Oh, look, Corbyn has left his llama-wool scarf on the table, finally, a toy for me. I was tiring of playing with drain covers and the spokes on that Raleigh bike and listening to them bang on about nationalisation and the legacy of an Italian — was it Pussolini? Occasionally they mention their previous political animal, my feline predecessor was called Harold Wilson — he went by the name of Hazza to sound like a cool cat. Right, I’m off before he comes home and starts making jam again.

Follow Susannah Butter on Twitter: @susannahbutter