The 2018 NFL season kicked off on Thursday, as the Philadelphia Eagles sought to give their fans an opportunity to destroy their own city in celebration for the second year in a row. The Onion takes a look at the biggest storylines going into the 2018 NFL season.


Baker Mayfield:

The 2018 draft’s top pick is only one win away from being the winningest Browns quarterback of the decade.




Indianapolis Colts:

Might have a shot at reaching the playoffs if their entire organization wasn’t cripplingly dependent on the heroics of a single constantly injured player.




Many are wondering whether the NFL’s black players, notorious haters of our military veterans, our flag, and our anthem, will concoct new ways to dishonor them at the start of games.




Los Angeles:

The cultural metropolis is projected to end the season with four or five more teams.




New Orleans Saints:

A stagnant few seasons have Saints fans eager for another devastating hurricane to inspire the team.




Jon Gruden:

The one-time Raiders head coach returns to Oakland this year with the potential to bring the struggling squad back to the glory days of when they weren’t quite great, but at least pretty good maybe half of the time.




Andrew Luck:

Hopefully this dipshit won’t fall over and hurt himself again.



Sam Darnold:

Jets fans are sure to recognize that Darnold is their quarterback of the future, neither getting impatient with poor performance nor getting overly excited by small samples of quality play.




Chris Litchfield:

Has great seats to the Bengals–Colts game. Keep an eye out, you might be able to see him on TV!




New England Patriots:

God, fuck these guys.

