You are asleep upstairs in your cot, surrounded by your snugglies and looking beautiful. If I could lay next to you I would, but instead I have to make do with watching you sleep on the baby monitor.

I am downstairs, desperately trying to hold back the tears. It’s not working. I’m hurting. My heart feels heavy and sad and I’m over-run with emotion. Emotion that many people don’t seem to understand.

Next week is our last full week together before I return to work. Maternity leave has come to an end and life has to change.

But there is a problem. A rather big problem. You see, I’m not ready. I’m not ready to share you. I’m not ready to miss a moment with you. I’m not ready to give up even an hour of our day. I want things to stay exactly how they are. Forever. I want to capture this moment in time and keep it just exactly as it is. But I can’t. And that is hard and it hurts.

Our year has been beyond words amazing. We have spent almost every moment of it together. And most of that time it’s been just the two of us. Just the two of us playing and singing and exploring and cuddling and it’s been perfect.

Too perfect. That’s what makes it so hard. If every day hadn’t been a joy from every early start to each finish this might be easier. But I have loved every moment with you and I can’t bear to think of it changing.

By 8 am each day we are alone. 9 hours ahead to fill and we fill it well. Most days we spend at home so that you can keep to your routine that works so well for you. I have no idea where those 9 hours go but I do know that we enjoy every one of them.

Daddy comes home to a house full of toys and mess and stories of our fun together. We show him the new things you’ve learnt or the new toy you love and we share our day with him. I know he wishes life could stay like this forever too. But it can’t.

Mummy has to return to work. To a job she loves. But to a job that will never be the same again. Because my heart will be at home in the playroom with you. Where I should be.

Thank you to my darling boy for the best year a Mummy could wish for. I promise I have cherished every moment.

How did you feel when you went back to work? Please share your feelings / stories below.