ENGLISH Guardian readers are pretending to like Scottish culture, food and drinking habits.

Burns Night has become a firm fixture for comfortably-off English people who want to patronisingly dip their toes into the carb-heavy rawness of Scottish life.

West London architect Joanna Kramer said: “My partner Ben and I will be having a ‘wee’ supper for Burns Night. It’s going to be ‘bonny’.

“Everyone will have a little mouthful of my Waitrose organic haggis, declare it ‘interesting’ and leave the rest.

“I’ll read out some Burns verses in a slightly ironic Scottish accent and then we’ll get stuck into the whisky. I’ve managed to source alcohol-free whisky from the internet because we’re actually doing Dry January.

“Also there will be Irn Bru, or at least an Irn Bru-style homemade orange cordial.”

Kramer explained how she felt a particular affinity with Burns Night because she’s an eighth Scottish and her partner is two-fifths working class.

She said: “Burns Night is a chance to show solidarity with the indigenous tribes of the Highlands, who are so often marginalised by the mainstream media.

“For a special after-dinner treat I’ve got a ‘wee’ bag of heroin.”