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Inside: Does it drive you nuts when people say their husbands are “babysitting” the kids? Here’s why your husband is not doing you a favor by watching the kids.

Note: This post was originally published in 2014, but bears repeating.

This is how the conversation used to go at our house.

Me: I’m feeling the need for some alone time. Do you think it’s okay, if you are up to it, if I go out for an hour or two and have a break?

Husband: Sure, sounds good.

Me: Oh, thank you thank you thank you, I won’t tarry. Again, am so so thankful.

Husband: That’s fine, just let me know if I need to fix dinner or if you’ll be home in time.

{An hour or two elapses at my destination where I don’t fully relax because I feel low levels of guilt. I then begin to feel sorry for my husband because, boy, 5 kids 8 years old and under sure is a handful. I go on home and dive right back in not refreshed as I’d hoped.}

Me: Thanks sooooo much for watching the kids. I really appreciate it. I mean, honestly, it was so nice to get away.

Husband: Not a problem, any time.

Do you see what’s happening there? Do you see how I used to rob myself of enjoying time away? How, even when I was away from home, I was focused on what was happening at home?

Do you know why?

➡️ It’s because – in my mind – I acted as though my husband was doing me a favor by watching the kids. ⬅️

Before I asked him, while I was away, and immediately upon returning home I felt I was getting away with something. And that’s stupid. Why?

Because my husband is every bit as responsible for our children as I am.

He’s not doing me a favor by watching our kids, he’s simply fulfilling his role as a father.

1. He is half responsible for their existence

Unless I’m mistaken, you didn’t get pregnant on your own. Even if you’re the primary carer of your children because you stay home all day with them, that doesn’t mean he has no fatherly responsibilities.

Now, this post isn’t about our husbands so much as about our own thoughts regarding this area.

If you fall into the trap of thinking that you – only you – are responsible to take care of them 24/7/365 until they’re 18 then you are in for some hard years.

He is their father.

He helped bring them into being.

He can watch them without you feeling lax in your duties.

2. He isn’t hired help

When you hire a babysitter you likely leave a detailed list, carry out extensive preparation in case there’s any hiccup, check in frequently while away, and make sure to come home on time.

This is because having a babysitter or a nanny is more of a contractual obligation. A father, on the other hand, is a pivotal part of the family. He is a leader in the home, and as such, you should guard against seeing him as an occasional babysitter.

Why?

Because he’s just as important to the well-being and development of your children as you are.

The kids love him.

They want to be with him.

You don’t have to rush home after a hurried dinner as though he’s an 19-year-old college student with a mid-term coming up.

Allow him to love and serve your family by spending time with your children.

3. Be grateful, don’t grovel

Just because I think a husband and father has a responsibility to take care of his children does NOT mean I’m saying take it for granted. By all means be appreciative and express your thanks.

Take advantage of the time and respect his willingness to watch them by actually enjoying yourself while you’re away.

If you have to grovel, beg, and thank him profusely for watching the kids for a few hours then there are other issues going on that need addressing.

Be kind, be nice, and show appreciation. But don’t act as though he’s doing you a favor by minding his own offspring.

4. Don’t feel guilty, enjoy yourself!

I struggled with this for a long time until I realized that my husband isn’t doing me a favor, he’s just fulfilling his role.

He never minded watching the kids, was always willing when he was able, and loves to be with them.

➡️ It wasn’t his behavior or mindset that was the problem, it was mine.

I couldn’t let go of the mental responsibility of taking care of the kids long enough to enjoy myself while away. I anticipated he’d resent me for asking. I rushed home to make sure things were fine. It robbed me of refreshing time away (something that I really believe in).

He and the kids were always fine when I was away. When I started seeing things differently, the only thing that changed was I actually enjoyed the gift of time my husband gave me when he watched our kids.

5. Prepare (or don’t) and then let it go

I used to think I needed to prepare every little thing before I left.

I didn’t.

You probably don’t either.

Your husband is a grown man and he can problem-solve on his own.

No wipes? Use a wet paper towel. Out of diapers? Improvise. If you are a natural prepper then do your best and let the chips fall where they may.

If you know your husband can handle it, just let him figure it out.

The kids may eat fast food, skip a bath or two, be put in clothes that don’t match, and have tangled hair… but you know what?

Who cares!

It’s your chance to take a deep breathe and not have to worry about it so, mama, don’t ruin it for yourself.

::

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