You remember the old bromide about fatherhood, right? Any fool can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father. But did you also know the same is true of growing a beard? A beard, much like a kid, also takes a lot of upkeep and maintenance; perhaps more so, although I'm not a parent myself so this is arguably up for debate. In any case, there's a lot about this most basic rite of manly passage that no one ever explicitly tells you about ahead of time, perhaps owing to that thing I just mentioned about fathering being a magnificent pain in the ass. That's why I'm here, to explain what the Lamestream Beard Media won't tell you.

How do I grow a beard?

Step one: Exist.

Step two: Wait. (Wait times may vary.)

Step three: OK, this here is where things get a little bit tricky, because instead of passively surrendering yourself to the passage of time and the vagaries of biological functions, this step requires bucking societal norms. Under no circumstances during this step are you to take a blade of any sort to the hair sprouting on your face. I know you'll be under pressure from your significant other, or, more likely, from your boss, who, for some reason, like bosses everywhere, is under the mistaken impression that mutilating our jowls and necks into a series of puffy red bumps like a cornhusker driving a rusty tiller across a field of skin is somehow a prerequisite for pushing numbers around on a chart or whatever weird job you do, but this is patently ridiculous. What about all of those pieces that have run in magazines like this one over the years about How to Get a Perfect Shave, you might ask? For that, I don't have an answer. The Big Razor Lobby is powerful in this town.

If you can manage this: congratulations! You're now the proud owner of a beard! Weird, right? What else do you need to know?

What color will my beard be?

No one knows! You may find, no matter what color the hair on your head, that your beard is coming in like a block of Neapolitan ice cream. Although the first time you notice a red hair next to a white one in your beard will make you feel something like the dude in "District 9" when he wakes up to a newly-grown alien arm, this is completely natural, and you should not attempt to chop your own face off under any circumstances. If nothing else here, trust me on that.

Should I trim my beard?

Beyond cleaning duties, you'll also want to maintain the perimeter. Think of yourself as Chuck Grassley patrolling the borders of your face if you must. (Maybe think of a better example; this is beard-growing advice, not analogy-making advice.) The point is, keep the edges clean. Look around you right now. Do you see anyone dressed up as a Storm Trooper? Is someone from a Joss Whedon project signing autographs in the corner? No? Then trim the neck. You don't want your beard growing into your chest, or, god forbid, your back hair.

Just don't delineate the beard too much. Leave a hair gradient between the bearded and non-bearded zones, a sort of DMZ of hair. But do not get cute with the shape of the beard. Your beard will tell you what shape it needs to be in, and you should listen to its whispers. Creative facial hair is for Juggalo bass players and elevator car garage valets in purple turtlenecks.

Also make sure to trim the mustache, as it will begin to grow down over your lip, and you will accidentally bite into them at one point, yanking the hairs out of your face.

What does a beard taste like?

Why is there a sub-section about taste here? Good question, and it's one you're about to become intimately acquainted with once your beard comes in. Have you ever tasted hair before? It's disgusting when it's in your soup or salad at a restaurant, and, although I'm sure it's a thing for someone, most of us tend to shy away from sucking on our partners' scalps in bed, but for some reason when it's your own mouth hair, it's much more palatable. Kind of like the smell of your own farts, I guess, except in this case you're farting hair into your own mouth. There's a reason why they call a mustache a flavor savor, incidentally, and it's not just because everything that rhymes is true. When you eat or drink anything, it's going to insinuate itself into the roughage around your food hole. You're allowed to savor this sensation, but try not to make a big thing about it out in public, remember, other people around you are trying to eat as well.

Should I clean my beard?

One of the most surprising things I've found, about 2.5 months into the longest stretch of beardliness I've ever gone in my three plus decades on Earth, is that a beard, especially one of the long, bristling axe-murderer chic style I'm rocking, requires a lot of extra cleanup. You've essentially grown an annex to your existing body parts. Think of it like building a deck on your home, or, more accurately, regrowing your foreskin. You have any idea how much extra cleaning those things necessitate? It's not pretty.

So what do you do with your hot, uncut face-foreskin? Your instinct, being, you know, a dude, will be to just let it fester and see what happens. But you'll want to do something else: The exact opposite of that. Shampoo and condition your beard regularly, unless you want to cultivate the air of a lobsterman with sea urchins attached to his cheeks. If this dries out your skin, simple hand soap will work.

The point is, just clean the damn thing. It took me a few months to figure it out myself, and as cool as it might sound to accident upon an un-masticated Cheez-It an hour after lunch, it's generally frowned upon by people who want to put their lips near yours. Speaking of which.

How will a beard change my romantic encounters?

There's an old British saying, "A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt." And while we're definitely not taking tips from that lot on cooking, they do have a pretty reliable history of beard growing.

There are a couple of different ways to look at your newfound kissing obstacles. On the one hand, your s.o. may appreciate the new you. In fact, it may seem to them like they're kissing a new person entirely. This is a good thing, because variety is the spice of any relationship. (Just monitor the situation to make sure they don't appreciate making out with the new you too much.)

On the other hand, they may, like my lovely lady, find the thicket a bit much to handle, and may not, for example, relish the experience of spreading out the mustache curtains in order to gain access to the tender lips inside. If you think that sounds like something familiar, it does, so you can see why a heterosexual woman might not like it. Too bad. Go a few weeks without kissing if you have to. If you've been together long enough that probably won't even be much of a stretch. A beard is a considerable upgrade for kissing purposes than sharp stubble anyway.

How will people perceive me?

In the early weeks there will be a constant subconscious voice in your head repeating, "I have a beard. I have a beard." Everyone else you know is going to be thinking the same thing, and, because we still really haven't figured out this whole meaningful human conversation thing just yet, typically this will be something along the lines of "Oh, wow, look at your beard." Or "Sorry dude, when did you lose your job?" You may even start hearing jokes about your newfound hipster status. This one is easy to deal with. You say nothing, walk out of the room, and never talk to that person again, because anyone making beard-based hipster jokes in 2013 deserves to be socially shunned.

You may also find a different reaction from women, many of whom will be drawn to your outlaw vibe. "The beard implies both freedom from the strictures of society and chronic unemployment in equal measures," my beard mentor explained. "Also, small children will often stop dead in their tracks and point you out to their mothers because all the men in their lives are shaved apes."

Wait, what is a beard mentor?

You have a beard now, which means you're part of the fraternity, but like in all male clubs there are ranks. Just because you got your first tattoo doesn't mean you can ingratiate yourself into the realm of the Tattoo People right? The same is true for beards. You will find wizened elders of the beard world whose flowing gray chin locks will put yours to shame, and middle-aged lifers who think your beard is "cute." More likely still are the beard-world gatekeepers, who will be suspicious of your efforts, like you're a beard narc trying to sell out their secrets to the feds. Each of these types will have valuable beard knowledge to pass down to you, however, and a savvy beard apprentice will soak it all up, like the chunks of chowder now accumulating on your face-thatch.

Now what?

That's it. Now you've got a pro-grade beard, and the knowledge of what to do with it. It's really not that weird when you think about it. In fact it's literally the most natural thing in the world.

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