allison michael orenstein

Him: So here he is.

Me: So here HE is. Look at you, small drink of water. Good looking guy, huh?

Him: STOP IT.

Me: I mean it. You’re gorgeous. Better than your pics on Grindr.

Him: Isn’t Grindr weird? I’ve met some real creeps.

Me: I’ve met jerks and nice people. No real creeps.

Him: Maybe that’s because you’re the creep?

Me: Nice. I tell you you’re pretty, twice, and you imply that I’m a creep. You should write a book on dating.

Him: Uh oh. Am I one of your online Jerks?

Me: Are you?

(pause)

Him: No.

Me: Well there it is.

(pause)

additional photos: eryc perez de tagle

Him: Anyway, who keeps score?

Me: Of what?

Him: Of that sort of stupid stuff? Compliments and whatnot.

Me: Obviously I do. I just demonstrated that I do.

(pause)

Me: Relax. I might be joking, you know… I might just still think you’re an attractive little wonder, at 5’6”.

Him: Stop saying little. I don’t like to feel little.

(I’m feeling brave, and so I take a step toward him. I put my face next to his. I can feel the breath come out of my nose against his cheek. He smells spicy. Like cinnamon or ginger, but not quite those things. )

Me: What about now? Do you feel little now?

Him: Yes.

(I put my hands on his ribcage and squeeze gently. The hair stands up on my arms. Ii have goosebumps)

Me: But don’t you kind of feel really powerful?

Him: Yes.

Me: You’re pretty.

Him: Ugh.

(He moves away)

Me: Haha… okay. So, no saying you’re little, and I’m guessing no ‘pretty’ either?

Him: Why not handsome? Why can’t I be handsome?

Me: You can. You are. You’re very handsome. You’re also pretty.

Him: Ugh.

Me: Well the good news is: I like pretty. So dry your eyes on that.

Him: You’re cute.

Me: Compliment number one.

Him: What?

Me: That’s the first compliment you ever gave me, in person.

Him: Oh great. How far behind am I?

Me: Only a few, but I’d rather stay ahead in the compliment game, if you don’t mind?

Him: Can I ask you a question?

Me: No.

Him: What?

Me: Sorry. That was supposed to be funny. I said no, when the only appropriate answer was yes. I thought it would be funny.

Him: Was it?

Me: Yes, but you’ll just have to trust me. You didn’t see your face when I said it. It was funny.

Him: I guess I’ll have to believe you.

Me: Good. Because I’m lying.

Him: What??

Me: Sorry. That was another joke. That one wasn’t funny. I get nervous and act like an idiot.

Him: You make it charming, somehow.

Me: You didn’t know me in college.

Him: Were you different?

Me: I was nearly insufferable.

Him: You’re pretty too.

Me: Shucks. Okay. That’s two for you. Fuck.

(long pause)

Him: You’re not some sort of creepy Rice Queen, are you?

Me: Uh… I mean.. I thought that was obvious? You’ve been to my website, right?

Him: Yeah. There’s lots of Asians.

Me: But not ALL Asians, right? I like a lot of things. A lot of people. I like kind people. Asians are kind, frequently, if you’re kind to them.

Him: I guess that’s not so creepy. I guess that’s okay for Asians.

Me: Yeah. Well I forgot to say: I feed on their tears. Keeps me young. I’m like a succubus, or a psychic vampire of some sort. I’m 183 years old. I make them cry and then drink their salty tears. But it only works with Asians.

Him: Really?

Me: Yes. And did you also know that Black people can levitate? They’re hiding it from you.

(long pause. he starts laughing a lot)

Him: You’re joking!

Me: Yes. And you’re laughing. That means…..

Him: What does that mean?

Me: It means, you get a kiss, if you want one, later.

Him: I’ll decide later if I do.

Me: Oh. I like that.

Him: Really?

Me: No. It’s infuriating. I’d rather you just gave me one.

(We kept talking and walking. Later, he gave me a quick kiss. It was a good kiss.)