White People, You Need To Wash Your Butts

Toilet paper is not enough

To the left is a hand-bidet. Everyone should use one, or something like it

I didn’t understand this when I lived in America, but you need to wash your butt after you poop. You can’t just wipe it until the paper looks clean. If you got poop on any other surface you wouldn’t just wipe it off, you’d wash it. Your butt deserves the same dignity.

Like the metric system, the rest of the world has mostly figured this out.

In Japan, sophisticated toilets wash and dry their butts while playing music. In Muslim societies, for centuries they have used a lota, a pot of water, and now use modern amenities. In almost every Sri Lankan household there is a simple hand-bidet, what I call a bum gun. Then of course the French invented bidets, a word which actually means small horse, and people have ridden that through Southern Europe and across the world. At the minimum, most people in the world will at least have a plastic vessel to wash their butts.

Personally, I love the hand bidet. It’s fun and effective, and quite common where I live. What I’ve discovered, however, is that are different tactical applications of the bum gun. I spray and then wipe/dry with toilet paper. Some people spray and then wash their butts with their hand and soap. The strategy, however, remains the same. Use water. To wash your butt.

If you get used to this it is very difficult to go in America or the UK. If you wipe like the locals you will feel like you’re walking around with a dirty butt. Which you are. When I do venture to these backwards countries I try to time my movements so that I can take a shower immediately afterwards.

Besides the dirty butt problem, toilet paper is literally flushing money and the environment down the toilet. The average American uses about 141 rolls of teepee per year, spending let’s say $40. In aggregate this contributes to massive amounts of deforestation, especially in Canada.

For the price of a set of toilet paper, you can get a bum gun (hand bidet) and drastically reduce paper usage. You don’t need to wipe till you can’t wipe no more. Honestly, sometimes it feels like you’re wiping a permanent marker and paper can fill up the bowl. It’s terrifying. If you just rinse your butt you can gently wipe it dry one time and be cleaner, richer, and less of a deforester.

There are really bum washing options for every price point. The Tesla of toilets — the Toto Neorest — will open automatically, warm the seat, and clean and massage your butthole. You can also get seat replacements for existing toilets. Personally, I think this is one of the better investments you could make in life — daily spa treatement for your butt.

At the same time, you can spend next to nothing on a simple plastic bowl. Get one with a spout and your butt crack will do the rest. Just clean yourself with soap and water, wash your hands, and walk confidently throughout the day.