"We need to increase awareness of mental illness so people can gain a deeper understanding of what it is."

I lived with an undiagnosed mental disorder since the age of 14: I have now been diagnosed with cyclothymia, which is a mild form of bipolar disorder.

I am working with my doctor to find the right balance of medication, which is tough, as the pills have made me gain weight, have affected my sleep, and have made me very groggy and tired all the time.

My experience with mental illness has taught me that people are not comfortable discussing it, and will withdraw from me if they find out that I have a mental disorder.

People have reacted with shock, and then have asked me if I'm 'sure' - I think this is because people have a very rigid idea of what bipolar disorder is, and I don't match that description. People have an incredibly sensational, very dramatic sense of what a person with bipolar is like, and I seem so 'normal' to them that they can't believe it.

When I tell them that I do have cyclothymia and that no, I'm not imagining it, and remember that time I did this and that thing, they start to withdraw. Texts and calls stop coming; Facebook messages become rarer; suddenly you wake up and realise that you haven't seen so-and-so for a month.

When I was first diagnosed, I told my friends. Invites to parties suddenly stopped. Close friends would chat to me about what they got up to last night and what they drank and who they saw, even though I hadn't been invited, when in the past I would have been. It hurts.

I've had to remind people that I have it, only to be met with the same shock and disbelief that I encountered from them the first time I told them. I mentioned it as an offhand comment a few days ago to explain something - my friend was shocked, shaken, didn't know what to say, and changed the subject.

So it's my silent non-secret, something that I can't talk about with anyone, barely even with my partner. But it's there, the elephant in the room, that's put up this barrier between me and people that I love.

I remember self-harming when I was a teenager, desperate for some kind of relief from my situation, and my aunt noticing. She asked what the marks on my arm were. My mum said, right in front of me, in a disapproving tone, "she does it to herself", then turned away.

I was mortified and heartbroken. The next time she brought it up, she bluntly asked me if I wanted to kill myself. After that, she never mentioned it again. Because of this, I've never told her that I have cyclothymia. I can't face it, because I'm afraid that she will reject me again.

Why are people like this? Why are people afraid of me, even though I have what could be considered a mild mental disorder? I try so hard to maintain my connections with friends and family, and to be honest, but I am met with awkward silences, blushes, stammering, and attempts to change the subject.

Sometimes I'm even accused of faking it, or someone starts to lecture me about how doctors over-diagnose and over-medicate these days.

I think that my particular situation is because people don't believe that a person can have bipolar disorder/cyclothymia and still function. They think that bipolar disorder is what they see on soaps, the horror story that they heard from a friend about a person who had to be committed to the mental ward.

When they find out that I have it, they are scared of me, or just don't know what to say because they've never met someone in person with it before. They are embarrassed, so they withdraw. I can understand it, but it doesn't stop it hurting.

We need to increase awareness of mental illness so people can gain a deeper understanding of what it is, and what people with it are like. People need to realise that those with mental disorders are people just like them, and that talking about it isn't going to 'set them off'. We need to lift the taboos surrounding it, and make it as normal to mention as having a broken bone.

We need to be seen as human, and not ticking time bombs.

READ MORE: Living with depression: Just keep swimming

Have you or someone you know experienced mental illness discrimination? Tell your story by hitting the green button, or email stuffnation@stuff.co.nz.

