Donald Trump did not steal your lunch out of the office refrigerator. Do you understand me? I repeat. Donald Trump did not steal anyone’s lunch.

So if I were you, I’d make absolutely sure that you understand the consequences of making such an unwarranted and baseless claim against a man as powerful as Donald Trump. Because let me be clear here: if I see a headline, if I see so much as an Internet blurb with the words “Trump” and “lunch” in the same sentence, I am going to bury you in litigation.

Donald Trump doesn’t want your lunch. You think Donald Trump eats the kind of food you eat? He doesn’t. Let me tell you something, he’s a really rich guy, all right? Worth over ten billion dollars. What are you eating for lunch, tuna fish? Baloney? It doesn’t matter what you’re eating for lunch. What matters is, Donald Trump’s afternoon snack costs more than your food budget for an entire year.

So let me spell this out for you: if you go ahead and write your little article, you’re opening up a door here that will never be closed. I’m talking five hundred million dollar defamation lawsuits, I’m talking libel, slander, all of it. You open up that door and I promise you it’ll never be closed again. And I’m not talking metaphorically here. We’ve got a really nice, heavy, expensive door. It’s an actual door. We’re going to take it off the hinges. We’re going to pay a whole crew of people to follow you around all day with that door, they’re going to be right if front of you, everywhere you go, for the rest of your life, so that all you ever see is that door, so all you’ll ever be able to think about is how it’s never going away. And I warned you, didn’t I?

But that door isn’t opened. You didn’t open it yet. Better to just leave it closed, if you ask me. Because even though I’d kind of like you to open that door, even though it would actually make me kind of happy to totally ruin your life, I promise you, Donald Trump doesn’t want your lunch. He didn’t take your lunch. And just to be clear here, if he did want your lunch, he’d get it. He’s a very, very powerful man. OK? And rich. If he wanted to buy your lunch, you wouldn’t even know about it, because Donald Trump would buy the whole office refrigerator. No, he’d buy the whole office. You’d be fired. He’d sell the office to a private equity firm and probably make a pretty nice profit. So you should be thankful that you even have a job.

Which is why you sound like such an idiot, like such a petty, ugly little loser. Listen to you, “I saw him! I saw him go in the office fridge and eat my lunch!” Just shut up, all right? You stupid idiot. When Donald Trump is President, he’s going to throw the entire weight of the US constitution at you, at your whole family. You insignificant little nobody, Donald Trump is going to adopt your kids and raise them as his own, and he’s going to tell them all about what a spineless little dweeb their biological father was, and he’s going to keep them out of your life forever, and when you’re on your deathbed, your kids are going to show up and make a big to-do about reminding you of what a pathetic little twerp you are, and they’re going to sign all the DNR forms and they’re going to pay the hospital millions of dollars and then Donald Trump is going to walk into your disgusting poor-person’s nursing home and he’s going to finally do you the favor of personally pulling the plug and putting you out of your miserable existence.

Do you hear me? Is this getting through to you? Because Donald Trump stole nobody’s lunch. Got it? And I better not see anything about this on the Internet. You jerk.