SMOLENSK, RUSSIA—Lamenting that any interesting challenge in disrupting the vote has been completely removed from his job, Russian operative Pavel Artemyev reportedly expressed disappointment Friday that gerrymandering has taken all the fun out of hacking the 2020 election. “I really thought it would be a huge thrill trying to dismantle the U.S. democratic system, but it looks like all the work has already been done,” said Artemyev, who claimed that any excitement he once had about diminishing Americans’ faith in their democracy quickly disappeared upon the realization that elected U.S. officials had tirelessly toiled to suppress voters with discriminatory and partisan-rigged district maps. “I got into this because I wanted to make a difference, only to hack the Florida rolls and find out most of the African American voters have already been purged. It kind of sucks because there’s no way my work could be as substantive as polling-place closures, malfunctioning equipment, and laws that allow election officials to reject ballots without standards or repercussions. I’m basically getting paid to do nothing.” At press time, Artemyev had settled on creating and spreading false news stories about Sharia Law in the U.S. only to discover dozens of American publications already doing that as well.

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