(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here are Chicago Blackhawks bloggers CT, Morph, Slak, Thrillho, Umlaut, Forklift and Big Cheyenne of Hockeenight.com, fondly recalling the Minnesota Wild. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By HockeeNight.com

Dearly beloved:

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of the Minnesota Wild, who were put to an early death by a Chelsea Dagger.

At least those of you mourning the demise of your heroes can be comforted in the knowledge that the end was quick and painless.

The Land of 10,000 Lakes has done its best to attach its affections to the Wild, who replaced the North Stars.

This is like replacing a three-legged dog with one that scoots its ass on the rug, leaving skid marks.

Of course, the North Stars were named after Peter North, as they were a reprehensible puddle of man goo, led by world-class miscreants like Dino Ciccarelli, Shane Churla and Basil McRae.

But that’s not why we’re here.

The Wild tries their best to be villainous, but their main bad guy is … Zenon Kenopka?

He owns a winery. And a pet bunny. I’m not kidding. Of course, if anyone would actually drink what one can only surmise is mildewy grape juice that aspires to be sold in a box instead of a bottle, perhaps it could be featured on bumwines.com.

Instead, the winos of the Twin Cities will continue to eschew Zenon’s offerings for vanilla extract and Cepacol.

When you have a team called the Wild, it’s easy to lack a certain identity. For instance, in Chicago, Jonathan Toews is a Blackhawk. In Minnesota, Mikko Koivu is … what is he, anyway? Although, we’d ask the same question if he played his home games in the United Center.

Wild Owner Craig Leipold took advantage of years of revenue sharing, paying a total of $196 million over 13 years for the services of Ryan Suter and Zach Parise. This bold leadership enabled the Wild to make the big leap from 12th in the Western Conference all the way up to 8th.

The Wild also had the advantage of being in the same division as both teams from Alberta. The Flames and Oilers are each run by paste-eating mouthbreathers, neither of whom are Mike Rupp.

Story continues