One of the most striking things about the first week of class is how hard it is going to be to take a break from this whole existential and theological reflection thing. I feel like throughout the day I am constantly thinking about the endless possibilities of what it means for God to be and the nature of God’s interaction with humanity. I know that I will have to take breaks just for self-care (luckily I seem to be getting into this whole running thing and even went to the gym with a classmate Thursday night), but I look forward to how much class discussion, lecture, and readings will be tools to critically and constructively explore abstract thoughts that get stuck in my head. If you had told me just a couple years ago that reading about Christian existential philosophy, process theology, modern liberal theology—much less that I would even begin to grasp any of this theological jargon—I do not think that I would believe you.

I know that possessing ability (and passion) to have theological conversation is not the only thing that I will find out about myself in upcoming years. I have already understood that a huge part of this whole seminary venture will be discovering who I really am on many levels. Today, I came to a special appreciation that I have this space to explore my own self.

I read an series of articles on Patheos written by a brilliant Pagan who was raised in a charismatic Christian context and took a fellow Witch to visit Bethel Church in Redding, California, a well known charismatic church that was incredibly influential in my faith journey for a couple of years. She traveled to Bethel to experience a charismatic Christian environment after years of being away. The entire series is full of fascinating reflections by the author and her friend, and I would recommend reading it for yourself.

It was something the author noted in the second article that notably resonated with me. The two Witches describe what they call an “orange” energy—a specific presence about the congregation during musical worship.

“I had been so excited to come here and lose myself in that orange energy again, but now it didn’t feel appealing anymore. I felt the disappointment wash over me. There was such lightness and bliss in losing oneself in that orange torrent, but I had never realized the cost. I didn’t know who I was back then, in fact, I wasn’t supposed to know, my identity was supposed to be in Jesus alone. Nowadays I know who I am, and I worked hard to come to a place where I like myself. I wasn’t going to give that up in order to join in worship.”

I have constantly reflected on my days in hyper-charismatic churches, like Bethel, and how so much of what motivated me in my involvement was a lack of sense of true self. I did not know who I was and was grasping onto any notion of identity that I could. Although I count my time with these communities as beneficial and still maintain many charismatic convictions, I have come to realize that there is potential for damage in the communities that over-emphasize one’s identity in Christ. While this can be a grounding message—that one’s actions does not characterize who they are in the eyes of our Creator—it can be one in which people get lost and in which they forget to think about who they are as an individual.

Hye Sung (who shared the article with me) and I reflected on how we are grateful to have come into spaces where we are no longer bound by a singular distinct experience of faith as our ultimate identity. Throughout the past two years we both have been challenged on many levels (beginning with issues of sexuality) with our notion about God, Christ, and Holy Spirit, in a way that has given us the freedom to challenge our own notions about who we are—something we did not quite afford ourselves previously as we, in our own ways, were striving to become this certain type of Christian that we thought God wanted us to be.

While the world of Bethel and neo-charismaticism can be a powerful, life-giving place in many ways, it was not the place for us to truly discover ourselves in light of God. While Christ preached a radical message of self-denial, he did not intend to hamper us from fully embracing our humanity—from the pain and difficulty of life but even to the uniqueness all individuals on the planet. The incarnational message of God revealed in Christ is one in which God blends humanity and the divine in such a beautiful and whole way.

I am grateful not only to discover myself in my own personal reflection, but I am grateful for the role that community is and will continue to play in that experience. I have already caught myself thanking Hye Sung multiple times for help as I reflect on thoughts and brainstorm ideas for assignments (and blog posts, such as this one). Furthermore, I can already sense that Brite will provide such a powerful community in which to discover oneself more fully. There is a diversity within the student body, from backgrounds to personality to theological convictions (and lack thereof), that will be incredibly rich as I gain words to describe who and what I think God is and who and what I think I am myself.

And yeah, I am excited.

Now Playing: “Desert Night” by RÜFÜS