SCENE: STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA, inside the The T. Boone Pickens Is The Shit And You Ain’t, And This Means You Mike Gundy You Little Pissant Memorial Press Room.

A press conference continues between Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy and the media.

Gundy: It’s the phones.

Reporter: Right.

Gundy: The time spent on them is time they don’t spend playing games in the yard. We grew up outside, in the yard.

Reporter: Yes.

Gundy: The yard was away from the television, and closer to the well.

Reporter: You grew up with a well? Coach, you’re from OKC, I know your neighborhood and—

Gundy: The well was unfluoridated. We wouldn’t drink the city water, and stayed away from the television sets. We lived in the open, like cavemen or Dana Holgorsen would.

Reporter: Coach, you face Kansas this week. Talk a little bit about the challenges they present, offensively.

Gundy: Well, I don’t want to underestimate them. Just like you shouldn’t underestimate the nanobots. They come in through the city water with the fluoride, and you can’t even taste them, even if you know they’re in there. They’re nearly invisible.

Reporter: I—

Gundy: The Iowa State of mind control devices, but more effective, I guess.

Reporter: ...

Gundy: The phones and the TV activate them. I purged myself of the nanobots by drinking only from Yeti products. They’re engineered to be antinanobotical. That’s why we display stickers on trucks: to let others know we’ve been cleansed of the tiny ones.

Reporter: ...

Gundy: The expulsion of them is painful. Like the morning after eating a loose meat sandwich while drinking.

Reporter: ...

Gundy: [sips long and slow from Yeti tumbler while nodding]

Reporter: I don’t think most people know how close Kansas has been to being competitive.

Gundy. That’s true. Hell, they almost beat TCU last week. Took them to the wire. Speaking of wires: the nanobots? They don’t have them. Largely little tubular things that make very complex little machines out of simple structures. Alien technology from Roswell, most likely. Government’s had that for years.

Reporter: They’ve really improved their pass protection, for instance.

Gundy: That’s a great point. I like it when reporters notice things like that. Pass pro, as you might know, is a matter of communication. It really is. You have to be able to broadcast your orders effectively. We’ve used silent counts on the road. They help. Lotta ways to do that, though.

Reporter: How do you—

Gundy: The Nanobots do it through TV and phones. When I was a kid, you had to sit near the TV to activate them, and become one of the Sleeping. Now, phones broadcast the signal as well. That’s how the government does it now.

Reporter: Coach, do you have any evidence to back up that claim?

Gundy: Listen, why's the burden gotta be on me, a PRIVATE CITIZEN WITH SOVEREIGN RIGHTS? I can't even get my research out there with the Big 12 dropping sleeper CIA agents into the conference.

Reporter: ...

Gundy: You think Kingsbury's spending his time coaching? Watch a Texas Tech game and wake the hell up, man.

Reporter: Do you think Big 12 expansion is ever gonna happen?

Gundy: I think so. It’s inevitable. When it does, I hope Baylor doesn’t get in.

Reporter: Baylor is already in the Big 12.

Gundy: [smiles] Well, that’s what they want you to think.

Reporter: Can you explain that?

Gundy: Holobears.

Reporter: As in, holograms?

Gundy: Yes. But bears.

Reporter: Are you saying—

Gundy: That this conference hasn’t had enough players for years, and simulates games with a mixture of holograms and real players? Yes.

Reporter: Again coach, do you have any evidence to back this up?

Gundy: Our defenses, mostly.