Hi guys.



I haven't written anything on this blog in some time. And I suppose now, you can see why. This blog was originally intended to be a blog pretty much dedicated to my life in the LDS Church, and the things I learned as a result of that- the experiences that I had, and how they strengthened my faith. But about a year ago, I took a good, long look at my life. And I realized I was unhappy majority of the time. I examined components of my life and ultimately, my unhappiness came down to one major underlying cause: My membership in the LDS church.



Which is what I want to talk about today. I'd messaged people personally before posting this to let them know, because I think it's important to let people know where you're at, so they can treat you accordingly. I don't know that I intended to make a public post about it, because I don't really see the point. However, I have recently gotten an increasing number of texts, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, unexpected visits all pertaining to my lack of church attendance that I feel it's time I make this very personal journey into a public one. I think people often assume that when you are a member of a group or congregation that your life is suddenly theirs- that they have the right and obligation to comment on it, and at this point, I think it's high time I take back my life.



So, here we go.



I've been dealing with the thought of leaving the LDS church my entire life. For those who grew up with me, and went to church with me when I was younger, this is probably not huge surprise. Often, during sacrament meeting, you could find me reading Harry Potter out in the foyer. I never bore my testimony. I never had an opinion on the scriptures we read during church. I didn't enjoy church, mutual, or any other activity. I usually didn't fit in with the people in my wards and was often ostracized.



Now, I know what you're thinking, so let me just bring it up. People will often say "The church is true! It's the people that aren't!" and I get it. And I agree- any institution can be a good institution and just have awful members. But that's not the reason I left- that's really just a fun fact. So, let's keep going.



As I mentioned earlier, from a young age, I really struggled with the church, and overall just didn't feel at home at all in the religion. I went because my grandma took me, and that was our Sunday thing. We went to church. I did not enjoy it, but I kept going. It felt familiar, (because I did it my whole life) and when you have an unstable life, you welcome any sort of stability, even if it's a stability that in a normal circumstance you would not have chosen. The same things were taught every Sunday, and I always saw the same people. For me, church filled that void.



Now, I want to say something. Just because I did not feel like I belonged in the religion, or that I believed it, did not mean that I did not want to. I wanted to believe. I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted eternal life. I wanted to enjoy church and going to the temple. I wanted to feel like I had a testimony. I wanted to go to the Celestial Kingdom. I wanted all of it. I don't think I can adequately express how much I wanted all of this to be true for me. I would listen to testimonies born, and hear my friends talk about these spiritual experiences they had, and I wished so badly that something similar would happen for me- something that would affirm the faith I wanted so desperately to have.



But, it just wasn't meant for me.And I felt like a failure. Constantly. I would ask God if He hated me because all I heard was silence. I begged Him to love me. Or to tell me what I could do so that He would love me, so that I would have what everyone else have, what I wanted so badly.



That answer didn't come.



I know more than a few of you are going to immediately think "But you served a mission!" and you're right- I did. Wild, right? Considering my less than stellar track record regarding church attendance, and just a love of the religion in general, that doesn't seem like something I'd do. But, my bishop approached me at 16 and told me that I was going to serve a mission- and since then it'd been in the back of my mind. I thought that for sure if I didn't have a testimony then, that surely serving a full time mission would do that for me. I truly was willing to do anything to believe- even serve a mission, which I had never, ever, EVER wanted to do. But, I wanted to believe. And I thought a mission would without a doubt confirm everything for me. I thought that would bring me to the God I wanted to love me.



I served a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And I loved it. I will never, ever, as long as I live deny that I loved it. I loved the people I taught.



But that's the thing. I loved the people I taught. I did not always love or believe what I was teaching. But, I had convinced myself that if I just prayed hard enough, if I just read my scriptures and went to church and the temple, that the feelings I'd had my entire life would go away.



And then suddenly, that was kind of the model for my life. Anytime I thought anything contradictory to the church's teachings, I would just assume that if I prayed long and hard, I would be able to believe in whatever it was that I was struggling with. And that if that didn't help, there must be a commandment I needed to do better at- I must need to be more faithful. I basically believe that I had to fundamentally change who I was as a person to believe something I didn't actually believe because I felt guilty for not believing it.



Looking back now, I realize that that way of thinking was so poison! And so unfair to myself. But I had myself convinced that I was the problem! That if I didn't believe, or if something didn't sit well with me, that it was MY fault! That I needed to change! Never once, NOT ONCE, did I consider that "hey, maybe these things aren't actually true! And maybe I'm onto something!" It took years, but what I finally realized I forgot in the grand scheme of things was this: I mattered in the equation. I deserved to be happy. I was allowed to not believe! And I was allowed to not be so hard on myself for not believing! It was okay to form my own opinions and own beliefs about the world around me!



And that kind of leads us up to now. I slowly began distancing myself from the church about a year ago. I stopped going to church as regularly, and finally all together. I stopped reading my scriptures, stopped praying, and stopped going to the temple. And by golly, I started feeling happy. I started to value myself, and truly believe that I mattered.



For those of you who read this and think it sounds like it was an easy decision for me, let me be perfectly clear: It was absolutely the hardest decision I have ever, ever, EVER made. I originally intended to leave out the nitty gritty of the months immediately prior to me leaving, but I feel I need to address everything, openly. In the months leading up to me stopping church attendance completely, I absolutely tried everything I knew to stay afloat. I read scriptures for hours. I prayed incessantly. I begged God to tell me the church was true. I begged him to let me feel "the Spirit" and to help me have the testimony that I had spent years trying to cultivate. Or, to even let me know he was there and he was listening. I went to the temple (which if you know me, is big, because I absolutely hated attending the temple). I tried to follow every commandment that I could, perfectly. And I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would wait for answers and feel nothing. And then I'd start again, because hey, maybe I wasn't trying hard enough (which goes back to my original statement above- I refused to believe that I wasn't the problem).



In the weeks leading up to my decision to leave, I began having panic attacks, multiple times a day. I was sick constantly. I missed work and I spent a lot of time just sobbing on my bedroom floor, once again, begging God to help me. And I felt nothing. I finally realized I was tired of feeling nothing. So, I decided to see what would happen if I just let go, and gave up. And, as you can see, I haven't looked back since.



I know a lot of you are going to be disappointed in me, and I can see why. I led a life that made a lot of people believe that I was an active, believing member of the LDS church. I feel that many of you may think that this is unfair, and that maybe I should have done more. And I can see where you're coming from. In fact, when my friends have left the church in the past, I had a lot of the same thoughts. But unless you've been in my shoes, you really have no idea the path I've walked. Our path to happiness does not have to be the same. I hope you can love me enough to accept that I am happy living my life the way that I want, and that way does not include a religion. I apologize if this choice makes you sad- but I've been sad for most of my life, and it's time to be happy. And for me, that happiness is outside the LDS church.



This does not change who I am. I am still Emily- the same Emily I've always been! I just am living a life that makes me happy, and I hope that you can be happy for me.



You are more than welcome to ask me questions privately. And, if you feel the need to attack me, you can do that privately as well, though I hope you won't. We're all trying to live our lives the best that we can, according to what we know. I'm doing that as well.



If you are considering leaving the LDS church, feel free to reach out also. You're not alone, and I am here for you!



