If your friend just told you they no longer believe you may be feeling sad, a little shocked, and concerned. You may be wondering, “how will this effect our relationship?”

Your initial response will set the tone for the remainder of the friendship. For those that are genuinely interested in maintaining that bond I commend you, and to help you on your quest here are some tips:

Hug them, and tell them you love them.

Your friend is probably scared right now. It took a lot of courage for them to tell you something they knew was not going to make you happy. Right now they need to know you’re still going to be there.

2. Don’t spread it through the grapevine.

If you’re a good person you should know this is a big no-no. It’s called gossiping and gossiping is bad- even when it’s done “out of love”. A friendship should be built on trust. Your friend trusted you enough to share this important decision. Recognize that this is their decision and their news to share when they feel ready.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

As a TBM (true believing Mormon), when I saw acquaintances decide to leave the church I assumed it was because: they wanted to sin, they were offended, they never had a real testimony, it was just too hard for them, or they read “anti” Mormon literature. It’s easy to jump to conclusions, but not very thoughtful. If you sincerely want to know the reasons then just ask your friend, but please do so with an open heart.

4. Spend time together.

If you’re really committed to this friendship it will show by the effort you put in now to be together. You won’t be guaranteed that visit in the halls on Sunday. Make plans to spend time with your exmormon friend. This will show them you still value the relationship and it will give you a chance to see that they’re still basically the same person at their core.

5. Don’t grill them.

I’m sure you have many questions and it’s OK to ask. Just make sure you’re doing so tactfully. It might be a good idea to set a limit for yourself of 3 questions each time you get together. This life-change is a big deal, but don’t make it bigger than it has to be. And remember, your friend is still trying to figure things out for themself and may not have all the answers. For a list of questions to not ask check out “10 questions to not ask your exmormon friend” coming soon.

6. Don’t bear witness or testify.

You may feel it’s important to share your testimony with your exmormon friend in an effort to re-activate them, but please be considerate of your friend and their feelings. Without trying to you may belittle and even offend your friend. So, please save it for Fast Sunday. Likewise, your exmormon friend should not try to tell you their feelings against the church. Leaving the church is a personal choice made for various reasons that you may not be aware of, so please remember to be respectful.

7. Talk to them like a normal person.

If previously, you could only have conversations about “the gospel” then your relationship may not be as deep as you thought. You should be able to discuss everyday topics such as: work, kids, spouse/significant others, school, movies, books, sports, etc. without bringing religion into it. If not, then stick to the weather. Ex: ” Boy, it sure is hot/cold/rainy today”. If you’re ready for more advanced questions try asking “So, how are you today?” Or “how’s work?”. It may be hard at first, but remember it’ll get easier with time.

8. Don’t feel like you can’t talk about church at all.

I know this sounds contradictory to tips #6 and #7, but let me explain. Being a TBM the church is big part of your life. You probably have a calling that requires a lot of you. At times it may be exciting, but it may also be frustrating. A good friend wants to know when you’re stressed so they can help or when you’re excited so they can cheer you on. As long as we both know you’re not trying to re-activate me, I want to hear about it so I can be supportive. So, leave the theology out of it, but, please tell me what’s going on in your life.

9. Allow time for adjustment.

If you’re able to jump right back in with your now-exmormon friend without it being awkward- that’s exceptional! You are awesome! If you’re like everyone else- it’s ok. The first few times you’re talking to or hanging out with your exmormon friend it may be a little uncomfortable. Try not to stress about it too much and remember the more time you spend together the easier it should get.

10. Recognize we don’t have to agree on everything to be friends.

It’s natural to seek out others who think and feel the way we do. It makes us feel more comfortable and secure. But in doing so, we often close ourselves off and limit our knowledge of the world around us. We all have different experiences, different perceptions- that’s what makes us all so interesting. So, learn to agree to disagree respectfully. And see if you can add some depth to an already wonderful friendship.

Best of luck and lots of love!