For those of you wise enough to listen to the loud (and by no means deluded) minority, you’ll now know that Dele Alli is nothing more than an average, hot-headed footballer who happens to get extremely lucky when it comes to scoring goals, and that Harry Kane’s footballing ability is completely limited to simply converting tap-ins and penalties, and having a slight speech impediment.

Having plenty of individual awards, European goals and match-winning derby performances between them, the pair are known for not being able to withstand pressure of any kind, and will ‘bottle it’ at every opportunity. Examples of this include Euro 2016, where the failure to perform in four games under the management of tactical genius Roy Hodgson apparently defines them far more accurately than their other 300-odd career appearances, as well as the way both of these players ‘bottled’ the title, by only helping Spurs to collect 36 out of a possible 39 points at the back end of last season.

Their losing mentality isn’t their only downfall however. Alli’s uncontrollably fiery temperament has also drawn many criticisms, as the 21 year old is known to occasionally ‘lash out’ by pushing, or squaring up to opponents. Despite such behaviour sometimes being a sign of fight or leadership, when coming from captains such as Mark Noble or Jordan Henderson, Alli’s isn’t. Due to Alli not being captain, and happening to be considerably younger, it’s clear that his acts are unacceptable, petulant acts of spite, unseen in any other footballer.

Another problem with this, is that despite Alli just has no control over his bad temper. Despite dealing weekly with opposition players who base their games around provoking the attacking midfielder, Alli has no ability to manage his vicious streak. Apart from the times where he doesn’t react, of course.

Kane, on the other hand, has many flaws of his own. The ex ‘one season wonder’ is cursed with an inability to actually play football. The 24 year old, who has received praise for his strength, speed, hold-up play, passing ability and positional intelligence, is actually just an extremely limited, one-dimensional centre forward. The England International’s abilities stretch as far as putting the ball in the back of the net, and that’s it. Things get even worse for Kane, as although he appears to offer a wide range of finishes, from all angles and distances, he still seemingly only scores tap ins and penalties.

What’s even more worrying is that Kane can only ever score against ‘tinpot’, or at best mediocre sides. Forget his seven goals and two assists in his five Champions League appearances, forget the fact that he reached double figures for international goals quicker than Messi and Ronaldo and forget his impressive records against Arsenal, Chelsea and West Ham. He can’t do it against the best. People can argue that his goals in wins over teams such as Man United and Man City disprove this theory, but it doesn’t.

Even his nine career hat tricks count for nothing, because despite looking impressive on paper, they were actually against teams such as Stoke, Leicester and West Brom, so they don’t count. Even his Champions League hat trick was against Apoel Nicosia, so it’s basically just a Europa League hat trick, right? (Oh, and he keeps his mouth open a bit.)

Now despite being as talentless as they are trophy-less, the pair actually shouldn’t be at Tottenham anymore. As the columnists and pundits in the media have suggested, they need to move to Real Madrid. Both of them. Or Manchester United. It doesn’t really matter, they just need to push for a move away. It isn’t quite clear why the best teams in Europe would want a cheating 21 year old with no first touch and anger-issues, or a limited old-fashioned striker with a lisp, but bizarrely they do. Or maybe they don’t, either way the media will try to push them there, because that’s the first action a journalist should take when a player who’s happily under contract at Spurs hits a good run of form.

Despite the media’s go-to plan of berating young, English players who seek a move away from their current club to increase their wage, they still get annoyed when players don’t do exactly that, it appears. Harry Kane needs to be earning more than he’s on at Spurs, and therefore he needs to leave, or at the very least demand a pay-rise. And of course, once he goes through with this, the media will be completely understanding, just as they were with that greedy prima donna Raheem Sterling.

This blatantly un-hypocritical view that the media has taken has made things very simple for the Tottenham duo. All they need to do is leave the club they’re happy at, to join a team that they couldn’t possibly be good enough for in order for the media to reinforce this partially constructed idea that there’s no loyalty left in football.

And once people are done with mocking or slating the pair for this, maybe they’ll finally consider them to be world class.

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