Estimated Reading Time: 11 Minutes

Tonight is a big night for everyone. It’s a big night for the people who love to cook, who love to host, who love to buy a big TV for one night, those who love Football, and those who love the Halftime show. It’s also a huge night for those of you who like to talk during the commercials and get offended when someone shushes you for the eighteenth time, KAREN. The Super Bowl is a great time for everyone, but who do you root for? How do you stay invested in the game? How can you pick a team when you don’t know which 11 o’clock number resonates with each team’s kicker?

That’s where I come in.

There are few things in life that are as near to my heart as Sports and Broadway. In fact, those are my two favorite things in this world, but getting them to mix is like oil and water! So, here’s my attempt at connecting my two loves and hopefully adding some insight for all my friends who never read this website because they don’t understand what W.A.R. is or how Draftkings works! This is gonna be great! Hopefully it works, unlike online EPA signups! (See this is going to be fun!)

There’s a lot of thought that went into this you guys, so buckle up. For me, Aladdin is about one thing: whether or not you think Jafar is cool AF. I happen to like Jafar and think he’s dope even if he is a villain. Speaking of Villains! That’s right! If you are rooting for Jafar to ruin the life of that nasty Aladdin, you’re also rooting for the New England Patriots. Plus, both Jafar and Bil Belichick are known for their dope threads.

On the flip side of that is the Genie. I’m a Robin Williams purist and you don’t get much more pure, uncensored Robin Williams than the Genie. What does the Genie want? He wants freedom. So does the rest of the NFL from the Patriots Dynasty. If you’re team Genie, you’re belting “Fly Eagles Fly” all night.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles

This show is about royalty and a monarchy tragically cut down. That’s the New England Patriots from 2005 to 2015. We all forget that there was a ten-year period where Tom Brady and the New England Patriots were held ringless, and they had some crushing defeats at the hands of the Bolshevik New York Giants. If the Patriots win, it’ll be the re-crowning of the lost royal family and a simultaneous Journey to the Past.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The New England Patriots / NOT COMMUNISM

P!nk has shown up this awards season in a big way. My Dad texted me the other day just to say that her voice was amazing and you know what, he’s right. If you aren’t into P!nk you need to get into it. She’s gonna crush this anthem. The Band’s Visit is here for it. Tony Shalhoub LOVES P!nk.

SIDENOTE: I make one big bet every year and it’s the Over/Under on the National Anthem, and I normally take the under. Think of it this way. I’m betting on the fact that Pink will sing 16 bars or less, rather than a 32 bar cut at an ECC that asks for a short song. This year, I’m going with the over. #32Bars #TheyDidntType

SUPER BOWL TEAM: P!NK

Carole King is from Queens. This is the worst-case scenario for any New York football fan. Carole has better things to do on Sunday.

But…. if she did, I think she’d just want everyone to win. Any interview she’s ever done makes me think that Carole King is your mom, your grandmother, your kindergarten teacher and your favorite aunt all rolled up into one woman. She’s sunshine and sunlight. She wants the winners to be happy they did it, but she also wanted to the losers to glad they made it this far.

She also brought Oranges for halftime.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles. She’s gonna go back and forth all game, but she’ll land on Philly.

Orlando, FL has never had an NFL franchise, but they did have an Arena League Football team, the Orlando Predators.

What’s the difference between the NFL and the AFL? One is a First National Tour and the other is your grandma patting you on the back after your lie about being in the finals callbacks for one of the Dads in Mamma Mia for a theater out in Kansas that doesn’t exist but you know you’ll have to make up a fake website for because you don’t want to crush her spirit and her belief in you as a performer because she’ll never look at you the same way again if you fail.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Phillies

…I just said the Philadelphia Phillies and 50% of you didn’t notice.

This is the worst for New York Sports fans. Seriously. Plus, the Bronx is Yankees Country. This means that once the NFL season is over it’s BASEBALL TIME!

SUPER BOWL TEAM: I once met Aaron Judge at Kinky Boots and I made him laugh and since then I haven’t washed my left hand because I wanna be ready for the Broadway Show League just in case some of his abilities rubbed off on me, ya know?

… Or the Philadelphia Phillies.

GOT YOU AGAIN.

Chicago is the second longest-running Broadway show of all-time. The Philadelphia Eagles have let go of two very good running backs in the last few years. They’re definitely not the best running team, so they’re the Chicago of rushing yards.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Chicago Bears

I have not seen The Children. So I’m gonna guess it’s about kids. So we’re gonna go with the Philadelphia Eagles, who just so happen to have a younger team by 12 days. That’s the kinda math we do here at The TURF.

Just looked up The Children and it’s about the 2011 Nuclear Disaster in Fukishima…. So … we’re still gonna go with the Eagles.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles

Okay. Farinelli and the King sound like two dudes who hang out at the Bowling Alley off Route 1 in Saugus. Or it’s two dudes who own a Deli in the North End. Either way, it’s two dudes from New England who, despite their age, will give you a swirly in a gas station bathroom.

… So I just googled Farinelli and the King and I still can’t tell if I’m right or wrong, so we’ll just flip a coin.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: New England Patriots

Tom Brady and Gavin Creel are UMich Alums. This isn’t a big deal, but it still reminds me that Tom Brady is a god, because he got into Michigan and I didn’t. #GoBlue

SUPER BOWL TEAM: New England Patriots

There’s a 0% chance John Lithgow watches this game. He has better things to do, like being John Lithgow. I do think that Lithgow probably likes the Eagles because they represent a city, not a region.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles.

I’m biased. I also know that almost (SHOUTOUT TO MY BOY TEWKS) everyone at the Al Hirschfeld is praying for the Patriots to lose this Super Bowl, so I’m gonna let them have it.

Kinky Boots is also about boots and Tony Danza did a movie where he was a garbage man who became the Eagles kicker. A reminder that: 1) you don’t wanna fight a garbage man, and 2) anyone could play for the Eagles at one point in time.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles

John Leguizamo is as New York as you can get. There’s no way he’s watching this game except for the commercials.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: “**** You.” – John Leguizamo

#ANIMALSQUAD #ZAZU4LYFE

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles

There’s a myriad of reasons why the Eagles and Once On This Island, but there’s one very important one.

Anyone who sees Once On This Island is talking about Alex Newell’s performance as Asaka, because it’s stellar and remarkable and it’s a religious experience. I, on the other hand, was the only one talking about how Asaka wears an Atlanta Falcons jersey.

The Atlanta Falcons all but won last years Super Bowl. They were ready for the celebration and even their owner was down on the field after going ahead 28-3 heading into the 3rd quarter. So what happened?

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots put together what will be considered the greatest fourth-quarter performance in the history of the game. They came back to score 31 unanswered points and lift their 5th Lombardi Trophy.

There’s no way Asaka can wear a Falcons jersey and root for New England. No way. No way.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles

I haven’t seen the Parisian Woman, but my guess is she’s not gonna watch the game, but it’s like 4 am in Paris when the game is on. Right? Can someone google that?

Just googled The Parisian Woman… didn’t help.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The New England Patriots. If you rearrange the letters in “The Parisian Woman” you don’t get anything, but you can get pretty close to Patriots.

They’ve been around for a long time. How long? It’s the longest-running Broadway show! You know who else has been around for forever? Bill Belichick. Seriously there’s no spookier NFL personality than Belichick. One word answers. Hoods. Scowling. He’s the Phantom, but like much more of a baritone and also not like the Phantom at all.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The New England Patriots

They live close by and were rudely defeated by the Eagles. Anything could happen. #TeamChaos #MinnesotaMiracle

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Minnesota Vikings

Doug Flutie. Easy. The guy has his own band. It’s a rock band. He’s the drummer. And Broadway Vet and Rock Voice From Heaven Sean Jenness is their lead singer. Get into it.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The New England Patriots

LEFT. SHARK.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: Halftime Show Dancers

GET WITH IT, YOU GUYS.

What do you think Bruce Springsteen’s’ favorite Super Bowl snack is? I think he’s gotta be down on some chips and dip. Also, there’s no way Bruce Springsteen sits for any part of this game, right? Like I imagine he’s off milling about his house, eating chips and dip, checking in on everybody, that kinda thing. I bet Bruce Springsteen tosses one solid Super Bowl Party. I bet it’s TIGHT.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: Philadelphia Eagles. It’s like super close New Jersey. Seriously. When I was on tour and we played Philly, our hotel was in New Jersey. Like, it’s a stone’s throw.

Okay. So for this one, I did some research.

Food New England is known for: Clam Chowder

Food Philadelphia is known for: Cheesesteak

At Lincoln Financial Stadium, the top-rated food was: A Chicken Sandwich

At Gillette Stadium, the top-rated food was: Fish and Chips

New England wins it for continuity sake. HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE A CHEESESTEAK BE YOUR TOP FOOD?!

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The New England Patriots

I have never seen Wicked (*GASP* WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?) I’ll tell you. I was really excited that Joey McIntyre was gonna be Fiyero and I wanted to see pictures so I googled them and saw pics and it SPOILED THE ENDING FOR ME AND I GOT SO MAD.

…I don’t know you guys, I forgot what I was gonna say about Wicked and football… Now I’m just thinking about why Joey McIntyre was so important to me back then.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The Philadelphia Eagles Are Green All Day. Every Day. WICKED PUT THE COLOR GREEN ON THE MAP.

What do we know about Come From Away besides that it’s dope and it has to have some of the toughest Swing tracks in the history of the world? Well, it’s about the Canadian town of Gander, New Foundland and their welcoming spirit to over 6,700 passengers stranded on 9/11.

Who else did the Canadians open their arms to? Boston College Legend and New England Hero Doug Flutie. Doug Flutie was the shortest person to ever win the Heisman Trophy and after a solid NFL career went to Canada to play in the CFL, the Canadian Football League. Doug Flutie won 3 Grey Cups, the CFL’s Super Bowl, before coming back to the NFL and ending his career as a New England Patriot.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: The New England Patriots

The Philadelphia Eagles would not be where they are today without Carson Wentz, Jay Ajayi, and Zack Ertz. Three young talents who are going to turn this league on its ear. Much like Justin Paul, Benj Pasek and Ben Platt did with Dear Evan Hansen.

Who do you think can belt higher: Tom Brady or Nick Foles? I think Tom Brady takes stuff down the octave and it really bums me out. Like, he’ll walk into the room and drop his book down, slate and then disappoint you.

I feel like Nick Foles was EMC for like wayyyyyy to long and now he’s out to prove himself. Like, Nick Foles sings “Waving Through A Window” at the INITIAL APPOINTMENT, despite the breakdown saying not to.

SUPER BOWL TEAM: Philadelphia Eagles

I know. I know. I know. This one should be cut and dry, but it’s not. For a few reasons.

First off you have the literal Patriots and founding fathers. Hamilton was a Patriot, as everyone in that show, minus King George. So you gotta go Patriots, right?

Sure, but the Patriots have been there before, and even if Tom Brady is Non-Stop, the Eagles are Young, Scrappy and Hungry and then their leader Carson Wentz went down, Nick Foles did not throw away his shot.

But also… Belichick doesn’t hesitate. He exhibits no restraint, he takes and he takes and takes and he keeps winning anyway…

SUPER BOWL TEAM: TOSS-UP, but I’m pretty sure this game is gonna be a shootout. #TheLastJoke #OneLastJoke

Did anyone of that help? Did that shed any light on tonight’s game for anyone? If not, just know that I tired. If it did, just remember, Good News is the musical with the Football players, Eddie George and Michael Strahan have been on Broadway, and two of your friends will know 9 people in commercials.

The main thing to remember is that the game matters very little to most people, and when in doubt go with the mob mentality.

Have fun!