Gateway to Heaven

Today is not one my best of days. I just found out that I am to be burned at the stake. As if that were not depressing enough, this is a special kind of indestructible stake, and anything that is bound to it is also indestructible, so it would seem I have eternal agony in my near future. My conservative friend informed me that this is the penalty for not believing Jesus is my savior. There is good news: if I choose to believe, and if I do not otherwise annoy his deity, I can live eternally in a place he calls heaven. That doesn’t sound too bad!

He had a very thick book that was supposed to help me earn heaven. He quickly realized that I would require some assistance when I explained to him that I cannot choose to believe something I do not believe. You cannot decide that you will convince yourself of something just because you wished you could. If humans had that power, most of us would believe we were truly happy, that work is not work, but a pleasure, that our vices are unpleasant, that sugar and grease tasted like dust and motor oil, that spinach and spirulina were a pleasing as pizza and ice cream. He informed me that the reason I had not committed to his God was because I didn’t understand Him well enough. Always open to a challenge, I embraced his book, and with it the promise of Christian Faith and eternal life.

Now this book rivaled War and Peace in size and entertainment. I will not go into the graphic details of its author’s insanity, but I will try to summarize it. He represented the God I am supposed to accept, as an angry Being, jealous and aggressive, and very defensive. This God made a list of Ten Commandments (I think they used a decimal system in this book and ten was a nice round number. In order to come up with exactly ten, the Author had to get creative, but He made it work). The technique he used was a not a new one. The Greek Procrustes (q.v.) invented it, as I understand things (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Procrustes). Apparently God’s commandments are directed primarily toward people. I think this is because we could never make anything less than a person understand Jesus, which means that nothing other than a person can get into Heaven. Now, God himself, is not a person and He is already there, which is the loophole He used to get in, as he routinely violates these Ten Commandments Himself. They are so important to understanding how He wants us to live, that I feel I should go over each one. I can use context clues to figure out what they really mean, as it is often unclear. My friend tells me that ignorance of the law is no excuse for violating it. I thought it was about as good of an excuse as one could ever have, but I guess not. While trying to comprehend this legal code, I used a translation. However, if you want to read it in the Original Elizabethan and not just rely on a translation, start with Exodus 20, where God spake. He actually spake the commandments twice, perhaps to make sure they were heard. I don’t know of other passages in the book merited reiteration. More on that later.

1. In the first commandment, He announces who He is and informs me that He brought me out of Egypt. I did not realize this, but I do appreciate it, as I like America much better. He then asserts himself as top God: “You shall have no other God’s before me.” I have since learned that God speaks Elizabethan English, but I mostly intend to stick with a more modern dialect, as I think God will understand that I only have history in Egypt and America, so it does not make sense to force me into a foreign way of speaking while trying to get my wits around the odd thing that He is. A simple survey of the commandments alone suggests that He is supposed to be the highest god in my god chain. It would seem, at least based on this reading, that other gods are OK, so long as I queue them up behind Him. I assume he can override any ruling they make, and may be willing to do so if I appeal a mandate of a lower god as unjust or not in accordance with His commandments. I must confess that at this point in time, I am little disturbed by these Ten Commandments, as I know His book contains other laws also. I think He thought up more, but only after the original ten were already engraved (and probably circulated too), so He never officially amended the original ten to be twenty.

2. The second commandment says something like this: “Do not make sculptures. If you violate this piece of the commandment, then do not worship the sculpture I instructed you not to make.” That seems like two commandments, but I admit they are related. I decided that compound commandments were OK, since I know about the ten limit, I am spared the danger of thinking He made a mistake so early in the composition. He would not like me thinking He makes mistakes. I don’t think the passage makes it clear if paintings are OK, so some other artists may also be out of compliance. It seemed confusing, the second piece of this commandment. After much research, I resorted to translations of the original King James text (instead of the text itself) to resolve the issue. The King James Version said not to construct a “graven image,” which is just a clunky way of saying “sculpture.” However some editions translated that to this: “Do not make an idol.” By combining the meaning of the original Elizabethan with its translation, I came to realize that building a god and creating a sculpture for artistic purposes is really the same thing. If you sculpt something for the beauty of the art, you never know when some rapscallion is going to happen upon it and worship it.

If you are faint-hearted, stop reading here, because the next thing may seem quite barbaric and may make it difficult for you to believe in the loving kindness of my friend’s God. Remember, if you do not accept Him, you will be eternally tortured. It is possible that “accept,” does not mean “submit to His will,” but perhaps means, accept that He is what my friend thinks He is. My friend has not explicitly stated that these are the real conditions, but there is subtext that seems to point in that direction. This may mean that you must accept that He is omnipotent, omniscient, and yes, all good and all loving, with infinite mercy and kindness. If you are having any trouble with this at all, then DO NOT read any further. What am I going to tell you next, will make that level of acceptance impossible.

The next thing God did: He threatened me! He not only threatened me, but he threatened my son, whom I have not conceived yet, Preston, and he also threatened my great grandson! God explained how He feels intimidated by other gods (and I think he meant sculptures in this case). God is not stupid. I am sure He realized that artworks are inanimate objects, but they were modeled after REAL living fish, calves, donkeys, Lions, etc. He announced that he, the Lord my God, is a jealous God! I already knew that. I saw Him act out on a number of occasions before I unearthed the text of the Ten Commandments from its hiding place. Surprisingly, Commandments are buried deep inside His book. You do not encounter a single one until you may have already violated a good many of them. It would have been better if he had started with the Ten, and then used a literary strategy, like: “To tell you why these commandments exist, we must go back in time, so here is how it all began.”

Anyway, if I made sculptures in direct opposition to the commandment, then God warned me: “Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them.” Well, there is really not much one can do to service a sculpture other than to dust it occasionally. I can leave them dusty if it will earn me heaven. If I do worship one of my sculptures, He will visit my iniquity upon my children “unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.” I am not sure if He means that only my children that hate Him will get punished for my action or all of them. And, if He means that only the hating children get punished, it further implies that if I don’t make sculptures, then perhaps the rest my children can hate Him without consequence, otherwise, no point in saying they will get punished for my act if they are already queued up for punishment for their emotions of hate. So, maybe only the non-hating children get punished, but that is not what He said. Neither of these choices makes sense, so I must conclude that He really means that if I make a sculpture and then bow down before it, all of my children could be punished, regardless of their feelings about the Punisher. I must also conclude that he only said: “Of those who hate me” out of bitterness, and that this is just His emotions running amuck, which he just warned me about with His jealousy clause. I will pray tonight that he learns to reign in His emotional outbursts before I get to heaven.

3. The third commandment is not to take the name of the Lord your God in vain. I am pretty sure that He means His name, and that if you are worshiping a sculpture, you can use the sculpture’s name with impunity. I am not sure exactly what it means to take a name in vain. I think it may mean do not use it unless you need it to reference Him, and definitely do not use it to reference a sculpture. I think I have broken this commandment several times since I started reading my friend’s book, but I am sure He will recognize the extenuating fact of the inaccessibility of the commandments to a searching novice who reads His book sequentially, lest he miss any important detail. He should have placed the more relevant stuff at the front.

4. The fourth commandment is pretty simple. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy. He has not said how many people can forget it and it still remain holy. I know much of the world does not even know about it, though, so I am willing and able to do my part. I remember that it is Friday or Sunday. I hope that is good enough. I think it may start Friday evening and go through Saturday day sometimes, so I am not sure it is even a day, technically. It is probably 24 hours. I think one group of people thought it was Saturday and another Sunday, as I recall. I know it is near the weekend. With all this confusion, I suspect humans are keeping three days holy. I hope that’s ok. The wicked days still outnumber the holy ones, which must be pleasing to my friend’s God, even if He had hoped for a greater spread. (I know it’s confusing, but I have to work it out. It is very important. God may execute me, as He did that poor fellow mentioned in Numbers if I forget about the Sabbath: Numbers 15:32-36).

5. “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long on the land which the Lord is giving you.” That reason seems a little Machiavellian. Let me paraphrase to make the commandment more clear: “Be good to your parents so I don’t have to kill you.” And, if you comply, you can boast to your parents that you treat them honorably, not because you feel it in your heart, but because you may be executed if you do not. Your parents will read the Bible and their hearts will sing: “Ah, we have a good son.”

6. “You shall not murder.” I think this is a good commandment, which we should follow without exception. Understand that even if you are a goose, God is not a gander. Nowhere in this commandment does God say what do to do if He instructs you to violate Commandment Number Six. In Isaiah 14:21, He commands: “Prepare a place to slaughter his children for the sins of their ancestors; they are not to rise to inherit the land and cover the earth with their cities.” I am not sure what I would do. I would probably pray that He remember the commandments, but obviously, if He forgot about the sixth commandment, I would have to comply with His orders. If, hearing my prayer, He did not reconsider His orders, I would pray a second time that He forget the commandments.

There is a strong implication of guilt by association here, which may repulse your desire to accept my friend’s God, which in turn will keep you out of heaven. However, you must embrace that concept, for it has lots of precedent. Very early on we learned that this is how the universe works. From the story of Adam and Eve’s crime causing the rest of humanity to suffer, to the story of children being consumed by wild animals to punish parents in Leviticus 26, to the story of Jesus being crucified for my sins in the Gospels, it is a theme. Guilt by association is fair, a fact continually reinforced in the teachings of God. The recurring incidence of otherwise innocent children being painfully put to death by God for the acts of their fathers serves as incontrovertible proof of this non intuitive reality.

Still, since some murder is OK, a better commandment would have been: “That shalt not murder except for when it is ok, such as when a father commits a sin and I need you to murder his baby for it.”

7. In the seventh commandment, we are warned against committing adultery. My wife already will not let me commit it, so for me, it is not a current barrier to heaven. However, I would like to note how unfair it is that God would punish someone whose wife does permit adultery and not punish me. The adulterer in that case, commits adultery because he has the opportunity and desire. If I also would commit adultery given the opportunity, then am I not just as guilty of evil as my friend? Is it the willingness to act evil or the act itself that concerns my friend’s God. If it is only the act, then my friend’s God is not a fair God. It is not fair to punish one person more harshly than another because one person was able to fulfill his aspirations to commit a sin better than another. I am going to give my friend’s God the benefit of the doubt and say this command really means: “Thou shalt not be willing to commit adultery,” and for the sake of expediency, I will temporarily take on faith that this command is reasonable and that adultery is always wrong.

8. “You shall not steal.” Ohhh, that’s a good one. Murder, which God commands frequently, is the stealing of a life. We have the same quandary with this commandment as we had with the sixth one.

9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Ok, will not do. Keep in mind that your neighbor usually referred to a member of your camp. The Lord usually ordered the extermination of any camp that was in the way of His chosen camps, and to this end, false witness would have probably been OK. Remember that when God says your neighbor, He means just that. Perhaps also your neighbor’s neighbor and his neighbor’s neighbor, but probably not his neighbor’s neighbor ‘s neighbor. It is probably ok to not bear false witness against those who are so distant they could not possibly be my neighbor, so I may bear false witness when there is no doubt about the status of a victim of my lies.

10. Commandment number ten says I cannot covet my neighbors stuff. I have a real problem with this. I cannot choose to covet or not to covet. Surely God realizes that what a person “wants” is an emotion that is beyond his control. Had he reworded the commandment to read: “Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor’s stuff, just because you covet it” He could have removed it altogether and pushed one of his compound commandments down to the number ten slot. This commandment is not fair and I do not get to decide if I follow it. I think I will pray for guidance.

After a careful reading of the Ten Commandments, I walked away with lots of thoughts running through my head.

First, there are more than ten. He lumped them together to stay faithful to His decimal system. I am going to ignore that fact because I would hate to go to Hell quibbling over an accounting issue.

Second, if I remove the commandments that are unclear, contradictory or hypocritical, there are only a few left, and I think I can commit to those going forward. Un-fortunately none of His main commandments mentioned anything about accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I know the U.S. constitution was drafted with no direct mention of “taxation without representation,” as a violation of one’s rights, and yet, it is still an unfair thing to do and could easily be used as a rallying cry for cessation. I currently have no children, but I still pay independent school district tax. See what happens when we forget a commandment?

God is asking a lot. He wants me to ignore the contradictions and just plain nonsense in the commandments and accept Him and them. Unfortunately, there is a fundamental deal-breaking problem here. While considering the pros and cons of trying to accept Jesus into my heart, I suddenly realized that my friend’s God’s promise is a ruse! I cannot get into heaven, even if I comply with all His crazy demands. The problem is I love my sister. She will never accept Christ as her lord and savior. She will not discuss religion at all, so I cannot convince her with my friend’s book. She simply has no interest. I will always love her, and I could never live in a place where there is only happiness, knowing that she was in eternal agony. I cannot enjoy heaven while knowing that God has two big rooms, one he calls heaven and one hell, and the wall between them is the only thing separating misery from bliss. I would be miserable, and if I understand my friend correctly, there is no misery in heaven. I think misery breeds more misery and is probably grounds for expulsion. Heaven would not be heaven for me, unless God took my compassion, and the pain that accompanies it, away.

If God changed me thus, removed my compassion for humanity and my love for my sister, then I would no longer be me. If I were someone who could be joyous while someone I love and cherish struggles in eternal agony, then I would think nothing like the person I am now thinks. It would be a spiritual lobotomy! If you “change” enough of something, it becomes something else. Plutarch put it best when he described the destruction of the Ship of Theseus, which happened by slowly replacing every damaged plank, until the original ship had been replaced. If my friend’s God’s promise is for my soul’s pieces to be remade, plank by plank, into a different eternal creature who can merrily enjoy the condition of eternal damnation of a loved one, so long as I am safe, then I do not want to will my spiritual parts for this purpose.

If I am one that must follow the Ten Commandments as laid out and demonstrated by my friend’s benevolent God, which include examples of His doctrine of Guilt by Association, which He embodied in the crucifixion and torture of His innocent son to pay for the sins of others, it is impossible me to enter heaven. I cannot embrace that and at once remain who I am. The reward would go to someone else, the barbarian I would become; and God’s promise to rework me into a sociopath who can then live blissfully in His heaven seems deceitful, as I cannot experience the promise.

I am not wise enough to join the rest of the sheep in my friend’s God’s fold and close my eyes to the suffering He not only allows, but demands. Either my friend is mistaken or God cannot permit me to enter His heaven, so the whole promise is a trick. My friend’s God’s heaven seems much too much like my current venue, only eternal, with no hope of change. My friend also described Hell and if I do not embrace his Lord, he sees nothing that would stop me from getting there. He could be right. Perhaps he and I will meet, him in his heaven, and I in my hell, one a place of eternal bliss, the other, eternal agony; two names for the same location, as his heaven feels a little like hell to me.