In my previous posts, I discussed some of the fundamentals in the process of loving. A common challenge is that we may perceive love as a magical force which sweeps us off our feet and we just enjoy the ride. Such a view is particularly propagated by the Western entertainment industry because it relates to our widely shared desire of experiencing instant and gratis bliss. When we do “fall in love,” things indeed appear magical and we have all of the excitement we have craved. The problem is this passive phase of infatuation does not last and eventually, we need to become more actively engaged if we want love to endure.

Source: Armin Zadeh

Erich Fromm called it the Art of Loving because lasting love requires skills and devotion to master—just like any art. Fromm did not know that advances in neurosciences and psychology would eventually prove him right. The art of loving consists of gaining awareness of the many competing interests affecting our mind at any minute of our lives and of prioritizing our loving impulses over self-serving drives. Both skills are exceedingly challenging which explains why very few become masters in the art of loving while most of us frequently fail. Some are fortunate to have internalized many of the required mind patterns to deal with competing, self-serving drives in —their love impulse mostly supersedes other drives without their realization. Most of us, however, have adopted habits of allowing egotistic impulses to prevail in many contexts and changing these patterns requires considerable effort.

The challenges of maintaining our focus on love in daily practice may be illustrated by the example of a person who is in a committed relationship but receives advances to engage in sexual activities with somebody else. The person notices excitement about this possibility despite strong affection for her/his committed partner. In this situation, the love for her/his partner is initially suppressed by the impulse for sexual activity with another mate—another strong evolutionary drive. Only when the person rejects the impulse for engaging in sexual activities outside her/his partnership and re-focuses on her/his partner, she/he feels an immediate return of her loving feelings for him/her along with a sensation of contentment.

The point of the example is that we need to disallow egotistic impulses to steer our thoughts and actions if we want love to endure. This case is a very obvious example of an impulse conflicting with love but in daily life, we encounter constant conflicts on a smaller scale which yet may profoundly affect our focus on love and relationships. Most of these conflicts result from powerful drives directed at our short-term gratification. Awareness of these processes helps us make the right decisions for our lives and relationships.

The principles of love in the general sense, e. ., among friends, and romantic love are the same. With romantic love, however, the dynamics are intensified and, in addition to love and , we typically also deal with passion and sexual . Since each of these factors may vary in strength over time, it is clear that bring their own set of challenges.

Source: Armin Zadeh

Ultimately, our ability to successfully navigate relationships comes down to our perception of ourselves and to carefully weigh our priorities. Individuals who are well balanced in their assessment of their personal needs find it easier to be loving than those who are driven by desires and by crave of external affirmation. The problem is that achieving a state of self-effacement is typically difficult and may require an ongoing process of re-directing ourselves. History has taught us, however, that strengthening our sense of humility is invariably associated with greater levels of and amiability for our environment.

Viewing love as an art which requires skills and devotion may not be a popular position. To view love as magic force is much more appealing—it’s effortless. However, those relying solely on the magic of love may find themselves repeating a cycle of serial relationships without long-term bliss. Ultimately, it is up to us to determine how much love we experience. While acquiring, and maintaining, long-term love in our lives requires effort on our part, it also is empowering. The key to love and happiness is not somewhere in the air but in our minds.