There are countless articles and guides online that instruct men on the ideal way to chat up and eventually sleep with women, but so far none of them has actually incorporated the science behind attraction and mating. Until now

It's a sad fact, but women lack free will. Although they appear as complex and individual as any male (often much more so), it seems women are slaves to inherent biological "programming" which means they will be physically intimate with any man who employs a specific set of behaviours and phrases. This claim may seem far-fetched, but it is a widely held belief. A Google search for "how to pick up women" produces 725m results. In contrast, a Google search for "funny cats" produces 179m results. Remember, this is the internet.

But the thing about these guides to picking up women is that, despite the vast number of them and the dedicated researchers, known as pickup artists, looking into them, very few utilise legitimate science. That's where I come in.

Men are always saying to me "Dean, you're married; how the hell did that happen?", but I can read between the lines and see what they really mean. I understand; it can't be easy asking for relationship advice from someone as successful, handsome and self-aware as I am.

I've never been part of the dating game and have never attempted to chat up an unfamiliar woman, but being a straight white male with a media platform means I'm allowed to speak with authority about groups and communities I have no involvement with. So, based on established scientific principles, here are a few techniques (or "moves") that men can use that are almost certain to effectively woo any woman.

The skinner

Named for the discoverer of operant conditioning, this potentially-sinister-sounding technique involves providing a reward whenever a woman you find attractive displays positive behaviour towards you. This will cause her to associate this behaviour with reward, and engage in it more often, thus increasing her favourable actions toward you.

Typically, the reward you use should be a pleasant foodstuff such as sweets or chocolate. However, you shouldn't make your actions too obvious, or any positive association could be neutralised by suspicion or doubt. To prevent this, you should visibly provide these positive rewards to others. Ideally, do this with children, to demonstrate your willingness to engage with infants and triggering further positive associations with you via the female caring instinct. You will need to keep a large supply of rewards on your person, so a large coat with many pockets is advised.

It's well known that if there's one thing women can't resist, it's a man in a long coat offering sweets to children he doesn't know.

The bird of paradise

Human society seems to have decided that it is women who should be more colourful, exotic or elaborate in appearance. Increase your chances of attracting a woman by turning this arrangement on its head and following the example of some of the most famous mating tactics in nature, those of the birds of paradise.

To attempt the "bird of paradise", a man should dress as colourfully and elaborately as he can. Hawaiian shirts, cravats novelty hats, clown shoes, cartoon boxer shorts worn over trousers; if you've got them, wear them. If you haven't got them, get them, and then wear them, all at once.

Then learn some elaborate dance, like tap or breakdancing, or any combination thereof.

Then seek out women in bank queues, bus stops, self-service checkouts, places where her own attire won't be especially elaborate. Also, surprise is especially important when making an impression.

Seek out a suitable female in these locations then present yourself to her in your outfit and doing your dance. The best thing about this approach is no words are needed, just actions – they'll tell a woman all she needs to know. Even in a worst-case scenario, you might meet a cute psychiatric nurse.

The Darwin

As Charles Darwin and his theories of evolution have shown, mate selection is often based on desirable genes. A lot of mating behaviour seems to have a genetic basis, and many of the traits that make up a species can be traced back to sexual selection. This results in some creatures going to extreme lengths to demonstrate the quality of their genes, such as the Peacock's ridiculous tail.

Using the Darwin move, you can skip the hard work. Get a DNA test, get your results, carefully edit any parts that imply negative genetic traits, print the information, then staple it to your forehead. Now approach any woman you have set your sights on. She can see directly how healthy your genes are, and also that you have an impressively high pain threshold for when duelling with other males, which is likely to be necessary when wandering pubs with a DNA test stapled to your face.

The prokaryote

If attracting a female mate seems to complex and difficult, why not try reproducing via direct cell division in the manner of prokaryotes? Admittedly, most humans hardly ever essentially clone themselves by dividing right down the middle and have both halves form a new whole, but it's a process that's been used for about 3.8bn years, so how hard can it be?

The vertical hoist

One of the more effective ways of picking up a woman is finding a willing woman and, while holding her firmly in a manner that allows you to retain balance, exert an upward force that exceeds the force created by her own weight in kilogrammes times acceleration due to Earth's gravity. You can do this with your own body or via some winch and pulley system.

You may think this is an overly literal interpretation of the term "pick up a woman", but if you've read this and taken it seriously then I'm afraid you lose the right to criticise on those grounds.

But if you're a man reading this and any of these techniques strike you as good ideas, please do try using them. Odds are, it's probably for the best that you don't reproduce.

• Dean Burnett is always happy to dispense relationship and other advice on Twitter, @garwboy