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Ah, summer. That glorious time of year when young Mormons break out of their BYU / CES cohort cocoons and take internships and entry-level jobs amidst us coastal heretics.

Every year since I, a young grasshopper, first engaged in this ritual 10+ years ago, I hear Mormons ask the same questions time and time again. For those just leaving Zion and entering Babylon, I’ve prepared this handy guide to common workplace dilemmas.

The “Coffee Break” Problem

MORMON QUESTION: “A colleague who I would really love to have as a mentor asked me to get coffee. How do I explain my religious beliefs and turn her down while still showing I care about the professional relationship?”

SECULAR TRANSLATION: “Would you like to get coffee” does not mean “I would like to unwittingly pressure you to violate your religious beliefs and drink coffee with me, and if you do not drink coffee I will professionally shun you forever.”

What “would you like to get coffee” actually means is “Would you like to take an approximately 10-20 minute break to sneak away from the stifling office and go to a more casual, café style environment, where we can chat about how work and life are going?” i.e. “coffee” is just a convenient shorthand.

MORMON-APPROVED ANSWER: “Sure! What time?”

Then go to the café and order hot chocolate, or herbal tea, or water, or juice, or a scone, or a cookie, or ice cream, or literally anything else on the menu that does not have caffeine. You do not have to explain yourself. You do not have to telegraph your religion. There are a thousand reasons why non-Mormons would choose to not order coffee. Nobody will notice or care.

Protip: If you are uncomfortable asking a coworker to “get coffee,” you can just substitute the name of the closest cafe. i.e. “Want to take an Au Bon Pain break?”

The “Other Gender” Problem

MORMON QUESTION: “A coworker of the opposite sex asked me if I wanted to grab a sandwich. But I’m married / engaged / in a relationship / single and not interested. How do I turn them down without it being awkward?”

SECULAR TRANSLATION: “Would you like to grab a sandwich?” means “Would you like to grab a sandwich?” It does not mean “I have a sexual interest in you, my vixen coworker, which I intend to proclaim by serenading you in the line at Jimmy Johns.”

MORMON-APPROVED ANSWER: “Yes, let’s go, I’m hungry. So tell me, what projects are you working on these days?”

Protip: It’s always acceptable to knock on additional colleague’s doors and say “hey we’re going to Chipotle want to join?” If it still ends up with only the two of you, don’t bail for twisted morality reasons. That injects sex into a situation where it shouldn’t exist.

The “Happy Hour” Problem

MORMON QUESTION: “My colleagues keep inviting me to a late afternoon pub trivia / happy hour. So far I have stood up for my religion and refused to join them, since bars are dens of drunken iniquity. But some other (*cough less righteous*) Mormon friends say I’m being uptight. What should I do?”

SECULAR TRANSLATION: “Happy hour” does not mean “get wasted in riotous living” or even “drink alcohol.” “Happy hours” and “pub trivia nights” and “sports bars” are all synonyms for burger joints with slightly larger than normal beer selections. On work nights they are filled with people in suits chatting over a plate of appetizers and a single drink each. It is universally recognized that getting drunk at an office “happy hour” is professionally unacceptable. All alcohol consumption is not created equal, and pubs/bars in city centers are not filled with partying college students from Animal House.

MORMON-APPROVED ANSWER: “Sounds fun!”

Then go to the pub like it’s a normal restaurant. Order a lemonade and a half-price quesadilla. Show off your nerdy knowledge of classic rock and World Cup teams. You do not have to explain yourself. You do not have to telegraph your religion. There are a thousand reasons why non-Mormons would choose to not order alcohol. Nobody will notice or care.

Protip: If you’re good enough at pub trivia, usually the prizes are free food or discounts on your tab! I once joined a pub trivia team in D.C. that consistently scored high enough that two hours of entertainment plus dinner and lemonade each week cost me $2.

The “Cocktail Hour” Problem

MORMON QUESTION: I’m going to an evening networking event and they have an open bar! Someone might offer me alcohol! Help!?!

SECULAR TRANSLATION: “Open bar” or “networking event” means “either on a buffet table, or with professional catering staff walking around with trays, people will occasionally offer you food, non-alcoholic drinks, and alcoholic drinks as you socialize.”

MORMON-APPROVED ANSWER: Attend the event, ask for non-alcoholic beverages, eat the h’ors douveres, and socialize. You may say “no thanks” to any offer of alcoholic drinks. You do not have to explain yourself. You do not have to telegraph your religion. There are a thousand reasons why non-Mormons would choose to not pick up a glass of wine. Nobody will notice or care.

Protip: I enjoy walking up to bartenders and saying “make me something delicious and non-alcoholic.” They’ve come up with all sorts of ginger and cranberry concoctions. Sometimes my friends who don’t want a second alcoholic drink end up copying me!

The “Weekend Party” Problem

MORMON QUESTION: The head honcho is holding the annual summer / holiday party at the country club on a weekend, and people are talking about how last year it was a riot and everyone got sloshed and embarrassed themselves. What do I do?

SECULAR TRANSLATION: Your coworkers probably will end up wasted. But it takes time to get drunk – for the first hour or two, this event will likely feel indistinguishable from a casual wedding reception or backyard barbeque type event.

MORMON-APPROVED ANSWER(S): “Thank you for the invitation, but I have other commitments this weekend.” or “Oh that sounds great, I may be able to stop by for the first little bit.”

Protip: My general policy is to avoid Sunday events. I sometimes attend Saturday or Friday night events, but usually for only the first hour or so. When people start getting loud or crude or drunk I sneak away. Your coworkers will remember you made an appearance, but they won’t notice your (lack of) alcohol consumption and they won’t notice the exact length of time you stayed.

The Caveats

None of the above overrides ordinary social rules. Anytime you are busy, have deadlines, have other plans or obligations, or simply don’t want to go, you may say no. If you are getting uncomfortable vibes that a coworker is, in fact, sexually singling you out, you may say no.

The above guide only seeks to prevent (a) saying no to a positive career interaction for the sole reason that you think your religion demands it or (b) spending ten minutes trying to awkwardly explain your religion to a new coworker, when such an explanation is utterly unnecessary.

Occasionally, coworkers may notice that you’re not partaking of forbidden substances, and ask curious questions. It’s fine to have friendly conversations about the topic — my standard “history of the Word of Wisdom” speech (derived from this article) has at times reduced my coworkers to laughing tears. It’s also fine to simply answer “religious reasons” or “just because.” And in the rare instance where a coworker outright pressures you or is rude? Then the problem is their lack of professionalism, not your faith.