As Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off for another season, we have a new girl to welcome to the fold — and eight brand-new Housewife catchphrases.

Let’s see what we’re working with this year, shall we?

“I’m not everyone’s drink of choice, but I’m MY cup of tea.” - Janet is now a tea merchant, as avid fans of the show will know. We’re sorry but unless these teas go well with hard liquor this whole venture seems frightfully off-brand for her.

“I’m in the best shape of my life. Who begs to differ?” - Pettifleur, this catchphrase is weak. Nobody thinks you’re fat — just boring.

“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of my kitchen!” - New girl Susie’s ‘thing’ is her love of cookery, so brace yourself for a lot more kitchen-related puns to come.

“Honesty and integrity are my favourite accessories.” - Come on Chyka, we’re all rooting for you, spice it up a bit this season. You know what else are great accessories? BOOZE SWEARS AND LIES.

Here’s what happens when you try to interview all eight of the Real Housewives at once

First up we’re at Chez Chyka, where she’s hosting a book club for the other ladies. Sadly, they’re reading The Girl On The Train and not one of the various housewife tomes: Gina Liano’s Fearless, Pettifleur’s best-selling e-pamphlet Switch The Bitch or Lydia’s graphically illustrated reimagining of the Kama Sutra.

Thankfully, as with all book clubs, nobody’s read past page 15 and it’s all just an elaborate excuse for a piss-up.

New girl Susie is here too, so we get to know her a little bit with an intro package examining her life: woman, mother, cook, and above all, Toorak resident.

“My name is Susie Mclean, and I live in Toorak,” she says proudly.

“I am quite well-known in Melbourne, and I like to look good and I like to be appropriately dressed,” she says proudly.

“I’ve got boys at school, and every time I do pick-up and drop-off, I get called ‘MILF’ from across the school ground,” she says proudly.

Back at the book club, Janet explains how she knows Susie. To be completely honest it all sounds … dead suss.

“Susie’s had a very high social profile in the Melbourne scene for a long time, and she’s a single girl so she’s out at a lot of the night … places … that I would … go to,” she stammers.

NIGHT PLACES? This sounds like when you bump into an embarrassing former root while you’re with friends and you have to explain how you know each other. “Oh, you know, just from around the … night … places.”

Susie’s known Lydia the longest — since she was 15, in fact — but says they aren’t exactly the best of friends. She’s not met Pettifleur, but “I look forward to meeting her.” Brace yourself, hun.

Across town, Pettifleur’s meeting up with Lydia for a casual coffee date. Pettifleur being Pettifleur, she rocks up for her latte in full Cruella De Ville cosplay:

Lydia’s been off in London spending time with friend and respected evolutionary scientist Shane Warne. She’s an ambassador for his now-defunct Shane Warne Foundation (awk-ward).

“I think he’s an incredible cricket len-gen. Incredible,” she says, thereby marking her first mangling of the English language for this season. Strap yourselves in, because before you know it we’ll be counting her seventy-oneth.

Always keen to stir the pot, Pettifleur tries her hardest to insinuate that Shane has been chucking his spinner into Lydia’s back net (no I don’t know enough about cricket to construct an appropriate sex analogy, we all have different strengths) and asks if Lydia’s husband should be jealous of their friendship.

“I mean, you’re off at a charity function overseas with a very handsome man …”

Back at book club, they’re discussing Warnie and Lydia too — but Janet, hornbag that she is, reveals that she’s been on the receiving end of a Warnie sext (you and half the country doll — he was probably to blame for that Telstra outage the other week).

Warnie apparently texted Janet asking for a date and, when she said she was busy with an ‘appearance’ that evening (presumably at a Night Place), responded: “That’s OK, you can come round to my house after that.”

Is there any Australian television show in 2016 Warnie won’t get his sticky fingers into? Where will he pop up next — enjoying a bit of light frottage on Huey’s Cooking Adventures?

Over at her coffee date, it seems Lydia’s feeling a bit put out by Janet — or as she puts it, “I have an issue with grandma.” Apparently, since last year the pair have been engaged in a Twitter spat of Lawrence Mooney proportions, with Janet at one stage tweeting that Lydia is a “lying cow.”

As Janet tells it, Lydia was the one who started it, saying that her ‘girl who looks on social media’ (when we get impossibly rich enough to have staff this is the first position we’re hiring, just FYI) alerted her that Lydia had been calling her a ‘dirty cow’ and a ‘go-to-bed Grandma’. OK, that last one is a pretty solid burn.

Janet retaliated, calling Lydia a ‘Lydiot’, which is a very, very clever amalgamation of the words ‘Lydia’ and ‘idiot’. Very clever. It’s OK if you don’t get it, it’s very sophisticated humour.

Lydia’s not the only angry one — Pettifleur’s also holding a grudge for Gamble, somehow blaming Gamble for the fact that she received a legal letter from the US regarding the similarities between her book Switch the Bitch and fellow reality show contestant Omarosa’s CLEARLY VERY DIFFERENT The Bitch Switch.

“I’ve got some gossip on Gamble — two can play that game,” Pettifleur boasts.

“Correct — but two rights don’t make a right,” Lydia says, glancing nervously off screen to whoever is tasked with manning the electrodes triggering the part of her brain responsible for coherent speech.

“Two rights don’t make a … Two rights don’t make a right. No. Two rights at times don’t make … it’s not necessarily right. Two rights … it don’t necessarily mean it’s right.”

Yep, nailed it babes.

Back to Pettifleur’s gossip: Gamble met her fiance not on eHarmony, she alleges, but on ‘sugardaddy.com’, a website we had no idea existed but, after checking it out (FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES OKAYYYY), appears to match nubile younger things with rich older men.

*Immediately deletes Tinder profile and runs for that sweet silver fox cash*

“Sugar daddy? Black widow! She mates and kills,” Pettifleur says. Yes, we’re twenty minutes into the new season and someone has already been accused of murder.

“Mmm, that’s a bit nasty,” says Lydia. Pettifleur: when the woman who, in season one, told Gina to “get over” her cancer calls you nasty, maybe it’s time to lift your game.

“Hang on, you’re supposed to me my friend, and suddenly you’re on the Gamble wagon? She pissed me off!” says Pettifleur, as though this gives her carte blanche to drag her rival’s name through the mud.

FYI, Pettifleur, we are TOTALLY on the Gamble Wagon. It’s pulled by Pomeranians and there’s enough champagne for everybody.

Gamble’s got no time for this — she’s just moved into a ‘fabulous new house’ (we assume she threw the old one in the bin because she no longer liked the cushions), she’s got a wedding to plan, and her bouncy castle of a rack is taking on strange and exciting new proportions:

Gamble’s tasked her wedding dress designer pal Alim with organising her entire wedding because she’s “completely out of my deepf.” Bless.

Her thoroughly sensible wedding demands include a dress made entirely of pearls and — duh — Pomeranian bridesmaids. Who even needs a husband? We’re doing this tomorrow.

Oh, and Gamble’s just got one other request for her wedding: “I’m thinking Chinese opera theme.”

Alim seems nervous at the thought of an impending yellowface extravaganza:

“Shanghai, 1930s, with beautiful Chinese opera make-up. Rick — and this is my best idea — Rick can cut the cake with a samurai sword. You like that?”

“No. No, no, no, no, no. No.”

Over at Gina’s, life’s pretty busy too — thanks in no small part to her acceptance of literally every promotional opportunity flung her way over the past 12 months. Shoes, clothes, a book, stints on Celebrity Apprentice, Neighbours, an upcoming panto role — lady is HUSS. EL. ING. To handle it all, she’s enlisted the services of a PA, a perfectly pleasant young man named Josh who, bless him, is stunned into dumb, mute submission whenever she’s in the room:

In a cafe across town, Jackie and Ben are talking family plans. Jackie admits she’s feeling the pressure from her mother to start popping out grandkids, but she herself is unsure: “Today I want a child, tomorrow it might be, I don’t really want to do this.”

Taking the conversation backwards to its natural filthy conclusion, Ben goes from children to childbirth to pregnancy to conception to sexy sexual S-E-X, and declares: “I’m getting a bit horny. I’ve got a bit of a chubby.”

Over at Lydia’s house, she’s engaged in her favourite pastime: slowly torturing her long-suffering housekeeper Joanna.

“I love Joanna. She’s my housefriend, she’s my housekeeper, she’s a beautiful, beautiful girl. I’d love to keep her forever …”

OK, we’ve seen Room, we know how this works. Joanna: Play dead, wait until you’re bundled into a rug and then RUN TO SAFETY.

Joanna offhandedly mentions she was late in to work today because she was getting her car cleaned.

“CAR? Perfect timing! I’ve just sold my Porsche and I need a driver. YOU can drive me around!”

Lydia’s got grand plans for her little jaunts with Joanna, who she seems to think lives in the laundry aisle at Coles when not cleaning her house.

“We can talk about washing powder, we can talk about all the different sponges — how cool will that be?”

“When people see me in Joanna’s car, it’ll actually tell them what I snob I’m SO not,” she says, snobbishly.

Next we’re in for an odd little diversion at Chyka’s house, where her daughter Chessie is in big trub-trubs for scratching Daddy’s car. The 21-year-old has a mini bought for her by mum and dad, but while they were on holiday she took Bruce’s car out for a spin instead.

“You know what, growing up’s tough sometimes,” Chyka tells her adult daughter, who is now weeping at being caught out driving her father’s car rather than the car her father bought for her.

Rich people have feelings too, OK guys?

To finish the episode, the ladies descend on Susie’s house for a ‘baking day’, which really just means they’ll be armed with kitchen implements while getting drunk and slagging each other off.

Tensions are already simmering.

“I’m looking forward to seeing all the girls — except for Lydia. Since The Twitter War, things haven’t been the same for us,” says Janet, who knows a thing or two about war from her days entertaining the troops during World War I.

One by one the girls arrive at Susie’s, each doing that very mature thing of air-kissing everyone except for the one housewife they’re arbitrarily feuding with that week. Pettifleur arrives, and it’s daggers from Gamble, who describes her as “the most irritating woman I’ve ever met.”

Talk soon turns to Lydia and Warnie and ‘those’ rumours that seem to have been concocted entirely by her fellow housewives.

“What’s going on with you two? Are you …. bonking?” Susie asks. Lydia, clearly emboldened by a captive audience, shoots back:

“No, actually I f*cked my husband last night.”

Honestly. If this is the sort of small talk Joanna has to endure while she’s ferrying her around it’s a wonder she hasn’t Thelma and Louise-d them both into Werribee Gorge yet.

Lydia and Janet retreat from the kitchen to hash out their Great Twitter War once and for all. Jackie joins them, because she’s always happy to spectate a good barney, particularly if there are snacks within reach.

Lydia opens with this backhander: “Janet, because you’re the elder, you’ve got enormous wisdom. You need to be our leader.”

In other words: lady, you older than dirt. Janet’s having none of it:

“She’s an older lady, she should know better. Like, she’s forever pushing my Italia — intelligence. Like, why would you do that?”

Come on Lydia, two wrongs don’t make a nong.

“I personally think this Twitter war is disgusting. I mean, you’re grown-ass women, keep your arguments private,” says Pettifleur, a core cast member on a reality TV series based entirely around airing one’s arguments publicly.

Soon, Gamble enters the fray to argue with Pettifleur, meaning that there are two concurrent beefs happening over the top of each other — Gamble vs. Pettifleur and Lydia vs. Janet.

It’s a bit hard to follow but thankfully, Jackie remains on the sidelines to provide all-important Comedy Reaction Shots:

Pettifleur then drops her little ‘sugardaddy.com’ allegation into the conversation, and Gamble explodes: “You piece of lying f**king sh*t. You be careful, because I will sue you to the ends of the earth.”

With that, she storms out, not before tossing one final “Go f**k yourself Pettifleur” over her shoulder.

Poor Susie. She thought she was having a bake-off, not hosting a female fight club:

Next week: Susie soon gets the hang of things and starts a massive fight with Lydia, while Jackie does a little bitching of her own. Tune in right after next week’s episode – airing 8:30pm Sunday on Foxtel’s Arena channel – for our next recap.

In the meantime, you can chat all things RHOM and swap sugardaddy.com success stories with our recapper Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.