Senior citizens’ charities have urged everyone in Britain to make sure ageing neighbours and relatives are keeping warm following indications that Paul Di Resta’s voice could be heard in coming days.

‘With his flat monotone and bleak West Lothian accent, Paul Di Resta can instantly lower the temperature in a room by up to five degrees,’ warned Coffyn Dodger of elderly persons’ action group, GifferAid. ‘If he suddenly appears on the television or radio, an older person may be unprepared and could freeze to death before he’s even reached the end of his first blandly uninformative, media trained sentence.’

However, Di Resta’s reappearance isn’t just a threat to the elderly, according to Sunnie Dee of UK charity PoorWatch. ‘This period of Di Resta activity could be a danger to low income families, and not just from the biting cold that can strike as soon as he starts speaking,’ Ms Dee explained. ‘I can imagine a situation in which Paul Di Resta appears on TV and a family on a tight budget would avoid changing channels to save wearing out the batteries in the remote control. Before you know it, they have heard a man speaking incredibly joylessly about his job even though his job is being a fucking F1 driver and they have literally lost the will to live.’

Charities across the nation are urging people of all ages to protect themselves against the chill of Paul Di Resta by preparing an emergency stash of warming things such as boxes of blankets, flasks of soup, and clips of Rubens Barichello after he won his first Grand Prix.