“Well Cris, for this Overwatch Match we’re warming up for another hot day in Anubis, and it looks like we’re on the attack again. Gator has been three-for-two in five matches tonight, but those were two bad losses and both on control points.”

“They were rough, Al. And you can’t help but wonder if the fact that he’s playing with the same people again is a bad sign.”

“I don’t want to be negative, Phil, but things are not looking good, and we’re still waiting for the match to start. Even though they’re on the attack, someone named ‘OnlyBastion’ has locked down…”

“Let me guess-“

“Yes, Bastion. What’s more, two of the other team members are still arguing that someone needs to be a healer. But neither is willing to play the healer themselves.”

“Well, Al. Given OnlyBastion’s tendency to die over-and-over, miles away from the point, I’m not feeling optimistic about their chances.”

“No, Cris. But it’s too late for second guessing because there’s the signal … and they’re off. Gator is signaling to his team that they should take out the Orissa at the gate, then move up the left flank … and … ooooh. They’ve all rushed directly into the crossfire and died. That’s gotta be disappointing for this inexperienced team.”

“Yes, Al. You have to wonder why they were all rushing directly up the gut into a barrage of enemy fire.”

“It is a bit confusing, Cris. Especially because …. oooohhh. They’ve just done it again.”

“I didn’t even know it was possible to die that quickly, Al.”

“It does boggle the mind. According to team member ‘PotReference420,’ it’s because everyone else is, and I quote, ‘a bunch of pathetic suckbags.’”

“It’s ironic, Al, that PotReference420 would call them all suckbags when he’s playing Genji and has two kills.”

“I agree, Cris, but our stats show that PotReference420 has called someone a suckbag in 35 of his last 43 matches. And that he doesn’t know what irony is.”

“Well, that would explain why he’s on a tirade about, ‘crappy no-skill turret classes.’ Apparently, no one on the team is willing to point out that he keeps jumping around right in front of the turrets.”

“That would explain it, Cris. But it looks like the attackers have embraced a new strategy. Instead of running directly into the other team’s fire, they’ve decided to chase the other team’s Tracer around the map.”

“That’s an interesting strategy, Al. Most teams would focus on capturing the point. But apparently, this Tracer is just too tempting to follow … and they’ve all died again.”

“Yes, they have, Cris. I’m starting to worry about Gator’s blood pressure. He keeps saying, ‘group up with me,’ but it appears that his teammates have embraced a religion that forbids team shooting and joint attacks.”

“Wait a minute, Al … what is this?”

“It appears that they are grouping up and moving down the left flank to attack the point. They got the Pharah and Orissa down. There’s just a Mercy and a Torbjorn to worry about now.”

“They’ve got to hurry if they’re going to cap this point, Al. There are only 9 seconds left.”

“I think they’re going to do it. They’re on the point. They’re capturing it. Do you believe in … oh wait. They’ve run off after Tracer again, leaving Gator alone to get bombarded by the rest of the defending team.”

“That’s gotta be a crushing disappointment for Gator. He only needed one more win to get a loot box.”

“Yes, I’m interested in seeing what he tells his teammates now that the game is over and they so obviously screwed it up.”

“This is going to be good, Al. Gator’s response is coming in now, and it’s…”

“GGWP”

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