Hey gang! I hope you’re all as excited about the upcoming camping trip as I am! I know that some of you are concerned about the recent string of bear attacks but - by taking proper safety precautions - we should have nothing to worry about.

It’s no secret that bears thrive on murder. They are machines of destruction programmed with a singular directive - to watch the life drain out of the eyes of all living things. Their bleak hearts know not mercy, so it’s especially important to never leave food out when you’re not using it. Bears naturally associate ‘food’ with 'humans’ (and vice-versa), and their flesh-hunger is insatiable. It’s best if we take precautionary steps to secure our campsites and make sure food is put up and properly secured in bear-proof containers.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Phil”, you’re asking, “why don’t we just use that food to set a trap for the wretched beast?”. Well, Rhonda, like I told you in the break room, traps don’t work on bears. Science is unsure if bears are just too intelligent to fall prey to such ruses, or if there is something supernatural about them that causes traps to fail. Experiments are thus far inconclusive. Bears are very sexually aggressive this time of year, so make sure you take extra care to mask your natural odors. Every smell your body produces contains pheromones, which effectively turns you into a walking red light district for bears. They will literally have sex with anything and, from their perspective, you’re asking for it.

For you ladies planning on having your periods this weekend, I urge you strongly to reconsider. Not only will it negatively affect your ability to participate in team building exercises, but it will also put your life and the lives of your co-workers in jeopardy. There you’ll be, innocently bleeding from your loins when suddenly a twelve-foot-tall tornado of claws and fury maims and mangles you and everything around you. Not cool (looking at you, Sheila).

Have no fear though, fellow co-workers, because bears can smell that too. In fact, with the exception of melancholy, bears can sense every basic human emotion. Not just fear, but elation, desire, anger, and apathy, too. Keep that in mind as you’re participating in this year’s famous three-legged race. Just as you and your partner round the corner, you nearly run straight into a mountain of matted fur and violent passion lying in wait in your exact trajectory. Wouldn’t it just be easier to be sad? Dale’s going through a pretty rough divorce right now, so let’s all try to channel Dale this weekend.

That’s it for now, gang. I’m looking forward to seeing you all out there and bonding with you over fun games! See you this weekend!

Your 3-time egg-and-spoon race champ,

Phil