Have you seen Surf Ninjas? I can’t believe you haven’t seen Surf Ninjas. If you are a human who enjoys premium entertainment, then Surf Ninjas is the caviar of artistic expression. It’s a rite of passage to adulthood, a 90-minute thrill ride filled with lessons about family, destiny and extreme sports. And although it wasn’t a critical success, it was successful at being the best movie ever. I’m serious. This is the type of movie that should sincerely be shown to future filmmakers as an example of what to do. Ninjas and surfing should be ingredients in every future movie, in particular if it’s a movie about high school doofuses who generally slack off and drive dangerously. I know the Oscars are designed to congratulate the lavishly rich and famous, but it’s a safe and boring spectacle. If I may be so bold, I would like to nominate Surf Ninjas for a lifetime achievement award. It would finally make the annual event worthwhile.

On that note, Moto Surfing, as introduced in the film’s opening sequences, should become an Olympic sport, judged on style, execution and creativity. And Tone Loc should henceforth be the go-to rapper for roles that require gravely-voiced, incompetent goofballs. The man swallows a friggin’ handcuff key every Tuesday for crying out loud. Dedication. Strength. Someone line him up for the next Fast & Furious movie! Neither surfing nor ninjas features all that much in the actual film. Yes, the titular heroes do enjoy shredding the gnar. But what I want to know is: how did they manage to decimate an entire forest for the purpose of perfectly carving surf boards without the proper tools or machinery? It’s an impressive achievement, and demonstrates that the impossible is possible. The industry of man continues to surprise. Simply visualize the outcome, and it will come true. Topping it all off is a career-defining performance by Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow, The Animal), whose unparalleled comedic delivery tops off an already flawless film. His presence in Hollywood is in and of itself a gift, and we can only be so fortunate to witness his blossoming genius in such an early role. Schneider is what drives the film’s longest running joke, and ties into our main topic of the day: Sega Game Gear, otherwise known as the “not GameBoy.”