SALT LAKE CITY—Researchers from the cardiology division of the University of Utah School of Medicine released a new report Monday revealing that consumption of energy drinks can lead to your heart bursting out of your chest and riding away on a tiny skateboard. “Our study found that individuals who ingest just one or two caffeinated energy drinks a day are at a far greater risk of their heart erupting from their torso and cruising off into the distance, popping heelflips while exclaiming, ‘Later suckers!’” said lead researcher Marcus Kabeer, explaining how the ingredients in the beverages produced electrical disturbances in the vital muscular organ and increased the possibility that the skateboarding heart will attempt a dangerous 720 gazelle flip and suffer severe physical damage if it fails to land the gnarly trick. “Although we’ve yet to pinpoint the exact chemical reaction that causes the heart to wear a miniature backwards trucker hat, we believe that the combination of caffeine, vitamin B, and taurine is linked to the cardiovascular organ grinding down a stairwell railing and flipping off a pursuing security guard with its ventricles.” At press time, the researchers confirmed that they had documented a number of troubling instances in which several skateboarding hearts gathered in a convenience store parking lot to smoke cigarettes.

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