The poorly redacted scouting documents that came to light in the wake of the Danny Ferry debacle in Atlanta have produced a mystery all their own. Who are the unknown Cavaliers teammates whose feuding and inability to share the ball turned a popular preseason playoff pick into a rudderless mess? I JUST CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. Could it be Sergey Karasev and Spencer Hawes? Henry Sims and Anthony Bennett? Who could it be?

While we’re pondering that puzzle, let’s take a look at some other redacted scouting documents, which came to me from my extensive network of anonymous sources.

Click the images to expand the reports.

2013-14 Former Rockets Teammate

2013-14 Former Lakers Staff Member

2013-14 Former Bobcats Staff

2004-14 Former Bulls Player

2011-14 Former Knicks Player

2011-14 Former Pacers Player

2013-14 Former Pistons Staff Member

Transcriptions

2013-14 Former Rockets Teammate

James is a great guy to hang out with and a great teammate. Always complimented my Buffalo Jeans. We’d be out until four, five o’clock sometimes, games days, whatever. I’ve seen him drop 30 on teams the night after waking up at five in the afternoon. As for his defense, he told me that sometimes he just gets to thinking about things, like Game of Thrones theories or what we’re going to do later after the game, and he zones out. Like, there’s a video floating around that’s like a compilation of James staring out into the distance or whatever as the other team just runs by him for layups and what not. Me and Dwight used to joke that it looked like when the batteries in your controller die. I did talk to James about it a few times. I was like, “ James what’s up with your defense?” and he didn’t say anything, just stared out the window. So I asked him again and he was like, “What?” So I go, “What’s up with your defense? Sometimes it looks like when the batteries in your controller died.” Then Jeremy Lin sat on a one of Dwight’s whoopie cushions and that distracted him so I never got an answer.

2006-2014 Former Lakers Staff Member

Everything with him is Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe . I may have forgotten a few Kobes , but you get the picture. Hardest working player I’ve ever been around and it isn’t particularly close but the guy is like a basketball sociopath. Doesn’t know any of his teammates names. Called Pau “Paul” even after they won their first title together. Called Lamar “Larry.” He knew Fisher’s name. Thing is he called every point guard “Fish.” He calls Steve Nash “Fish.” He used to make Smush get dressed and taped in the broom closet. When I asked him why he said, “So Fish can get used to being around the things he’ll use when he becomes a janitor next year.” He was right about that one though. Once, Kobe got Vanessa this diamond ring because he thought she might divorce him. Smush was said something to the effect of that ring is bigger than my condo and Kobe yelled, “Fish, get back in your closet!” That was funny. That was the night he scored 81, so we were on the road.

2013-14 Former Bobcats Staff

Michael would come down and sit at the end of the bench and make different bets with players. Like he bet Jannero Pargo that he would never start a game or average five points and Pargo had to do landscaping at Jordan’s house for like two months in order to pay him back.

2004-2014 Former Bulls Player

I was upset when they traded me because I loved my teammates and loved playing for Coach Thibodeau but I won’t miss the beating my body took. Coach Thibs would always say, “My watch is broken,” when you would ask him to come out of the game. I led the league in minutes per game two years in a row from 2011 to 2013 and every time I tried to ask out for a rest, Thibs would pretend to he didn’t see me. I remember when I had to have a spinal tap during the playoffs and Thibs came over to me. He said, “I know you’re not feeling well, but if you could just give us 35-38 minutes tonight, we really need it.” I was like, “Coach, I have a 102 degree fever.” So he goes, “OK, 30?”

2011-2014 Former Knicks Player

Melo is a great, great scorer. I would put him in the tier of guys right below the very best in the game. Absolutely a player worth going after but no way he leaves New York’s money on the table. He runs that team. He engineered my trade to Dallas, I know that for sure. There were some statements made in the media by an anonymous player regarding dudes who are with CAA and how they get better treatment because the agency, especially at that time, ran the team basically. Anyway, Melo blamed me and I got traded. Which is fine. I was the only guy trying to protect the paint anyway but Woodson had us switching all over the place. It sucks that I still have to play with Felton .

2011-2014 Former Pacers Player

Everyone there was worried about Roy . He’s great for your defense when he’s engaged but the dude is just flaky. He would just sit at his locker during halftimes and after the game just smiling, being like, everything’s great, everything’s great. Meanwhile, he was working on zero everythings. There were all types of rumors out there but none of that was true. As far as I know, anyway. I don’t know, they never really talked to me much after Roy called me selfish. I know he was talking about me. He’d always say, “I need the ball. I need the ball.” Meanwhile he got like two points on eight shots, no rebounds, and his post moves look like they need a hand crank to start them up. Toward the end, Larry was making us tweet out these pictures of us pretending we all liked each other. I was never in those. I’m from Brooklyn, I ain’t never fished in my life.

2013-14 Former Pistons Staff Member