IN THE WAKE OF THE BLOODBATH at Newtown, Connecticut and the strange year that was 2012, it seems we might need to try to interpret a little conservative thinking. I’ve been studying the matter and I believe I’ve now got it down. I think, if I understand right, that they believe Mr. Obama has been having illicit sex with circus clowns.

I think that’s about the level of most of what has been passing for conservative logic in recent times.

What else have conservatives been trying to tell us and where are they going at the start of this fine new year? Let’s see: Okay, we know Obama is a tyrant. Since he took office in 2009, the Bill of Rights has been turned into fast food wrapping paper. (Angry white guys can hardly watch Fox News excoriate the President on a daily basis any more.)

So conservatives must rise up and…take back America…and buy tons of guns and vote. Because nothing says tyranny like allowing political opponents to buy guns and vote. (Besides, everyone on their side knew they were going to kick butt in the 2012 election. That’s what Fox News said; and the polls were all wrong, because only gay people care about percentages. What? Obama won??? Obama is like Hitler.)

Under “Obamacare”insurance companies can no longer refuse coverage to people with pre-existing conditions. This includes toddlers with rare genetic disorders and type-1 diabetic teens. You know what’s next?

Gas chambers for granny.





If taxes go up on the super rich, like the Koch brothers, then we are one tiny step from a communist takeover. This is why the Koch brothers, worth $31 billion apiece, donate tens of millions of dollars to right-wing causes, including smashing unions. Nothing says “communism”quite like teachers and fire fighters and bakers of Twinkies trying to win improved wages and benefits and protect their place in the great middle class.

Speaking of unions, how greedy can those thugs be? All they want to do is kill good jobs in this country. This is why job creators (like Mitt Romney) have no choice but to create jobs in Bangladesh, where the minimum wage is $37 per month.

Gun sales in this country reached record highs in 2012, with 16.8 million background checks carried out by the F.B.I. You can’t fool conservatives, though, even if that does mean 45,902 guns were sold per day (it was Leap Year). President Obama plans to take away all of their guns. (Glenn Beck says there may be giant magnets.)

If anyone (even NASA scientists) mentions global warming or climate change or even says, “Boy, it’s a hot one today,” then clearly they are part of a plot to destroy capitalism. They want to create a world government where BP and Shell Oil are denied their inalienable rights (since corporations are now clearly people) to drill in Arctic waters and Americans are forced to eat vegan.

If gay people marry, traditional marriage will be dead, because gay people want to be married in the traditional sense. Wedding cakes will no longer be baked, tuxedo sales will plummet and the Chicken Dance will be only a memory.

Anyone who says, “Happy holidays,” in the weeks leading up to Christmas secretly hopes Christians spontaneously combust. (Yeah: some psychologist on Fox News explained it all! Obama hates Christmas because when he was a boy his father never brought him a pony.)

We don’t need gun control to keep kids in school safe. We need to put God back in the schools. That means everyone reads the King James Bible, cover to cover, even Buddhists and Mormons and Jews. We also need to arm teachers, or maybe issue Kevlar-covered Bibles, because nothing says “happy children” quite like defensive weapons stacked near the reading center in the back of a second grade classroom.

SPEAKING OF GOD, IF YOU GET RAPED and end up pregnant that’s His way of saying He loves you. In fact, if a mugger crushes your skull and you end up in an emergency room it’s His way of saying Obamacare is socialized medicine.

God also believes all fifty states need concealed carry laws and He doesn’t like the 47%, either.

The Founding Fathers knew everything and you couldn’t possibly beat them if you played them in Jeopardy. If the Founding Fathers were for freedom of religion then freedom of religion is good enough for Christians today. Liberals, who really hate America, insist that American citizens who happen to be Muslim should be able to build mosques where they want, such as in towns where they live. The Founding Fathers weren’t a bunch of Muslims. They weren’t gay, either. (Okay, they weren’t black or female or poor white males, either; but that’s not the point.)

The Founding Fathers were smart dudes and wanted pregnant women who were considering abortions to undergo invasive vaginal probes. (It’s all laid out in Article III, Section 3 of the U. S. Constitution).

And you know why Obama is a tyrant? He’s planning to ignore the 22nd Amendment, which limits the chief executive to two terms (because the Founding Fathers never thought to limit a president’s tenure). You can’t fool us. (We know evolution and Hawaiian birth certificates can be faked.) We know Obama plans to seize power and run for a third term in 2016, a fourth in 2020, a fifth in 2024, a sixth, a seventh, and an eighth!

My God, how long can that man last?

Oh yeah, has anyone mentioned lately that President Obama sends Kwanza cards to terrorists? And what about those circus clowns? Sean Hannity says Obama is a lepidopterist, too; and if you hear it on Fox News you know it has to be true.