Man Arriving At Holy Land Tour Confused To Not Find Himself In United States Of America

ISRAEL—John Wildrow was excited to finally take a tour of the Holy Land. It was a “childhood dream” of his, he claims. He bought tickets months in advance and impatiently awaited the day of his plane’s departure to tour the Promised Land. Finally, he took off on a flight for his scheduled Holy Land tour earlier this week, and he couldn’t have been more anxious and excited.

But when he arrived in the Holy Land late Tuesday evening, he was disappointed and shocked not to find himself in the United States of America as he had expected, but rather in a tiny country on the edge of the Mediterranean.

Wildrow grew up in a rural town in the American South, and had hoped to take a tour of America’s capital city, so he could see exactly where God signed a contract with America to “make her great.”

“Wait a minute—this looks like the Middle East!” he cried out in horror as he disembarked. “I thought we were going to visit the land of God’s chosen people!” The man asked around at information booths and pestered his tour guide, but everyone he spoke with confirmed he was actually in Israel and not the sacred capital city of the United States. In fact, the people he talked to seemed to be under the “mistaken impression” that the Middle Eastern region was in fact the ancient place where the biblical narrative occurred.

“I wanted to see the spot where Jesus and the Founding Father signed the Declaration of Independence, not this dumpy little stable,” he grumbled as the tour passed by a possible site of Jesus’s birth in Bethlehem. “This sucks! BOOOOOOO!”

At publishing time, Windlow had been sulking on the bus, wistfully watching a documentary on the founding of the United States while his tourmates took a guided tour of the Garden of Gethsemane.

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