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My only commandment is “Thou shalt not bore”. Of late, London males are breaking it with a monotonous mantra of kilo dissection and diet discussion. The male obsession with the Fast Diet is ruining marriages and straining friendships.

I was out to dinner recently with a pop princess and two of London’s leading male intellectuals. While we girls talked about Proust and World Peace, the male brainiacs were discussing the weighty issue of … calorie intake. The intellectuals spent more time chewing over the merits of each mouthful than actually masticating. As female eyes glazed over, we seriously considered impaling them on the end of our fork prongs.

Men have taken to dieting with exasperating fervour. Women never discuss diets, mainly because we are always on one. As the average man is more interested in beauty than brains, women are trained not to exceed the feed limit. It’s a wonder we haven’t installed speed bumps in our kitchens to slow down our progress to the fridge.

So geared are we to thinking thin that we won’t even cook with thick-bottomed saucepans. Anxiety over muffin tops, thunder thighs, cankles and “thigh gap” mean we lay our spaghetti strands vertically on our plates, for a slimming effect. At lunch, we order one crouton … then share it. We make dinner reservations at Ethiopian restaurants in the hope that we’ll feel too guilty to eat there — “I’ll just have one fried tsetse fly and a glass of skimmed water, thank you.”

A UK study last year found that seven in 10 British women think depressingly about their weight three times a day. Is it any wonder? In 2014, top models such as Cara Delevingne and Alexa Chung are a good 7kg lighter than the supermodels of the Eighties. Watching today’s human swizzle sticks staggering along the catwalk makes me wonder where these women keep their internal organs. You can see the three-course sultana they had for lunch. Jennifer Lawrence, who doesn’t have an ounce of fat, told Elle magazine that “in Hollywood, I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress.”

Of late, every man I know has joined the Gourmet Gestapo. If a woman is dieting, she may have a small section of the fridge set aside for her celery etc. If a man is dieting, the rest of the family must also suffer. With no discussion, he’ll clear out the entire pantry of all gastronomic delicacies, just so he won’t be tempted. When you wish upon a Michelin star, dreams no longer can come true as all your favourite ice-creams and confectionery are replaced by cottage cheese and tofu.

When a man diets he attacks the task with military precision. Meal times are rigidly scheduled: calories painstakingly counted. And how they go on and on about it. A woman who drops a few pounds will quietly celebrate by wearing a smug smile with her skinny jeans … a man will demand thunderous applause and ads in the paper. The weekly weigh-in is read aloud to the whole family with a reverence usually reserved for the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Because men are naturally competitive, they are also losing too much weight. No woman wants to date a man who is two stone thinner than she is.

So boys, my top tips for calorie-free eating are simple. Anything eaten from someone’s else’s plate is not fattening. Nor is any food which you eat when upgraded on planes or from a cocktail stick at a party. Children’s leftovers are also devoid of calories. As is any food consumed from your lover’s body.

May I suggest also you swap dieting for exercise. Being a working mother, for example, is very aerobic. Balancing kids with career means so much juggling we could be in the Moscow State Circus. And girls, may I say that until your diet-obsessed hubby stops boring on about his weight and helps more around the house, the best way to get rid of unwanted fat is divorce!

HOW TO BE AN INVISIBLE MAN

Paleo diet

The Paleo diet is based on the diet we believe our Paleolithic ancestors ate. Which means make like cavemen did, avoiding anything complicated (refined salt and sugar, dairy products, potatoes, processed oils, grains) and sticking to fuel you can hunt and gather (fish, free-range meat, eggs, vegetables, fruit, fungi, nuts). Celeb cavemen include Matthew McConaughey and Andrew Flintoff.

5:2 diet

While Paleo was the most Googled diet of 2013, the 5:2 must have been the most talked about. The diet involves eating normally for five days then “fasting” for two. Men have more muscle mass than women, so a cycle of exercising and fasting enables them to lose weight very quickly. Sir Mervyn King and Dom Joly are big (smaller) fans.

Dodo diet

Like the 5:2, the new DODO diet involves fasting day on/day off. There’s no respite like on the 5:2: on the DODO diet you fast for 24 hours at a time. You should do no more than three fasting days a week and must have a break in-between fast days.

Kathy Lette’s The Boy Who Fell To Earth is published by Black Swan.