CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an hour ago, but we keep getting derailed by everyone blabbing on and on about what they’re doing for fucking Christmas,” said Joseph, who was forced to listen to friends engaged in pleasant conversations about family traditions, favorite holiday recipes, and beloved childhood memories of the festive season. “Ugh, this is a goddamn disaster. These chumps should be strategizing about which person they’re going to screw over to get the best present, but instead they’re wasting this time trying to bond. No one is even fighting. This is the last time I invite people over for a holiday party.” Joseph confirmed that the evening turned into an utter nightmare after his friends began singing their favorite Christmas carols.

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