ANSBACH, MITTELFRANKEN—Expressing pride at all she had accomplished before even glimpsing the noonday sun, 127-year-old town hag Maelga Vitterbach admitted Wednesday that she was getting in a pretty good day of shaking a jangly bell-covered stick while pointing and screaming “You will die.” “Some days, it can be hard to even start jangling this knobby stick at villagers in the market square while screeching about their impending doom, but I think things are going really well so far,” said the carbuncle-covered shrew, adding that it wasn’t every day that she had the opportunity to both shriek at a comely lass that she was a cursed whore and pop up from behind a barrel to hurl a cat at a passing child. “Clearly, I started off strong when I pointed my crooked index finger at that strapping farmer and hissed that three sisters would visit his family tonight to take away the one he loved most. But to also be getting all this bell jangling in? This is fantastic.” Vitterbach added that the only way the day could get any better would be if she spent the night bedding a blacksmith while disguised as a young maiden, only to reveal her wizened, disfigured form just as he achieved climax to drag him down into hell for all eternity.

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