[Disclaimer: While this blog post discusses Rule 34 statistics, it doesn't contain explicit imagery, embedded links to pornographic material or excessive coarse language.]

It's the tenth of the month, so you know what that means. That's right! It's time for another in-depth analysis of clop!



My previous Rule 34 blog posts are available at the following links.

August 2012 / At the rate things are going...

September 2012 / Famous Bronies

October 2012 / Digimon

November 2012 / Equestrian elections

December 2012 / Top 11 Hottest Animated Women

January 2013 / General porn statistics

February 2013 / Touhou review

March 2013 / Season three wrap up

April 2013 / Idolm@ster

May 2013 / OC woes

June 2013 / Ribald Rivalries

July 2013 / A major announcement

August 2013 / Rule 34 Origins

September 2013 / Equestria Girls Review

October 2013 / Three years of MLP:FIM

November 2013 / Season Three Episode Retrospective

December 2013 / Twilight Sparkle's Rival

January 2014 / Passing the Bechdel Test

February 2014 / CP Atone

March 2014 / Loli and Stitch

April 2014 / The Binding of Wonder Woman

May 2014 / Cybersix Showdown

June 2014 / Sailor Moon and he Celestial Sorority

July 2014 / Misunderstood Monsters

August 2014 / Monogamous Malaise

September 2014 / All You Need is Love

October 2014 / Hub Homage Part 1

October 2014 / Hub Homage Part 2

October 2014 / Hub Homage Part 3

November 2014 / Rainbow Rocks Review

December 2014 / Top 10 Princesses of Porn

January 2015 / A Good Neighbor

February 2015 / Fifty Shades of Grave Concerns

March 2015 / Carnal Communication

Without further ado, here's the latest data from Rule34.paheal.net!



As of April 10, 2015, here's the state of Rule 34:

Pokemon still holds the lead with 93,817 images. 1,338 new explicit images were added during March, giving Pokemon a 1.47% increase in porn from last month. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is in second place with 68,317 images. 1,629 new explicit images were added during March, giving My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic a 2.44% increase in porn from last month. Touhou is in third place with 55,687 images. 715 new explicit images were added during March, giving Touhou a 1.27% increase in porn from last month. DC Comics is in fourth place with 26,090 images. 188 new explicit images were added during March, giving DC Comics a 0.72% increase in porn from last month. Street Fighter is in fifth place with 20,836 images. 381 new explicit images were added during March, giving Street Fighter a 1.86% increase in porn from last month. Naruto is in sixth place with 20,302 images. 191 new explicit images were added during March, giving Naruto a 0.94% increase in porn from last month. Marvel Comics is in seventh place with 19,718 images. 295 new explicit images were added during March, giving Marvel Comics a 1.51% increase in porn from last month. Sonic Team is in eighth place with 19,546 images. 251 new explicit images were added during March, giving Sonic Team a 1.30% increase in porn from last month. Digimon is in ninth place with 14,453 images. 173 new explicit images were added during March, giving Digimon a 1.21% increase in porn from last month. Super Mario Bros is in tenth place with 14,167 images. 325 new explicit images were added during March, giving Super Mario Bros a 2.34% increase in porn from last month.

My Little Pony created more new porn last month than any of the last seven months! The premiere of season five helped inspire a new wave of smut.



Now that we've gone over the monthly update for the top ten porn producers, it's time to analyze the latest data regarding Rule 34 images for the mane six.

As of April 10, 2015, here's the state of Rule 34 for the mane six, according to Rule34.paheal.net:

Twilight Sparkle has 10,027 images. 210 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 1.59% increase from last month. Rainbow Dash has 8,230 images. 194 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 2.41% increase from last month. Fluttershy has 8,023 images. 241 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 2.35% increase from last month. Pinkie Pie has 7,125 images. 142 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 2.03% increase from last month. Rarity has 6,641 images. 143 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 2.20% increase from last month. Applejack has 6,473 images. 107 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 1.68% increase from last month.

Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle have each beaten Rainbow Dash in terms of porn production for seven consecutive months. Unless season five can help Rainbow Dash to reconnect with her fans, Fluttershy may soon become the second most pornified pony.



In other news, there were three major milestones reached this month. Twilight Sparkle became the first character on rule34.paheal.net to reach 10,000 explicit images!



That's a lot of porn. If you were to look at a different explicit image of Twilight Sparkle every minute, day and night without a break, it would take nearly a week to see them all! All hail Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship Porn!



In addition, Fluttershy reached a personal milestone of 8,000 explicit images, while Pinkie Pie surpassed 7,000 explicit images!



Special thanks to Infinion, who made these amazing graphs of the data I collected.



To start off with, here's the master chart of the top ten Rule 34 producers.



This chart represents more than four years' worth of Rule 34 data. In order to more closely examine the numbers, Infinion has broken the data into more manageable semi-annual charts.

Oct. 2010 - Mar. 2011.

Apr. - Sept. 2011.

Oct. 2011 - Mar. 2012.

Apr. - Sept. 2012.

Oct. 2012 - Mar. 2013.

Apr. - Sept. 2013.

Oct. 2013 - Mar. 2014.

Apr. - Sept. 2014

Oct. 2014 - Mar. 2015

Which brings us to April 2015.



Here's a bar chart illustrating the monthly increase for the top 10 porn producers. (Total number; monthly increase)



To get an idea of how far My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has come since its premiere, here's a chart highlighting the monthly numerical data and moving average of MLP porn.



For those who desire a more consolidated look at the raw data, here's the numbers for the top ten porn producers, as well as their monthly increase.

Now let's take a look at the Rule 34 stats for the mane six. Here's their master chart.



In order to discover what these numbers mean, we'll need to delve deeper. In order to do that, we'll break down the data into semi-annual chunks.

Oct. 2010 - Mar. 2011.

Apr. - Sept. 2011.

Oct. 2011 - Mar. 2012.

Apr. - Sept. 2012.

Oct. 2012 - Mar. 2013.

Apr. - Sept. 2013.

Oct. 2013 - Mar. 2014.

Apr. - Sept. 2014.

Oct. 2014 - Mar. 2015.

Which brings us to April 2015.



Here's a bar chart illustrating the monthly increase for the mane six. (Total number; monthly increase)



For those who desire a more consolidated look at the raw data, here's the numbers for the mane six, as well as their monthly increase.

Before discussing this month's topic, I want to talk about the Season Five premiere of My Little Pony.



We did it, everyone! We survived the ten month hiatus between seasons! The episode begins with Twilight Sparkle and her friends in her new castle. Twilight Sparkle questions why she has a castle. The cynic in me says it's to sell more toys. In spite of my aversion to change, I'm interested to see how the castle and the map will impact the story. This still seems like it could've just as easilly been handled by Princess Celestia writing to Twilight Sparkle and sending her out on missions. It sounds like there will be a lot more exploration this season. More traveling around to new and different locations throughout Equestria. This will open up myriads of new story possibilities. Just think of what percentage of all stories take place in Ponyville! Some occur in Canterlot, while a few happen in Appleloosa; but by and large, a majority of all fanfics take place in Ponyville. I don't think this new season will change that, but if the mane six travel to a different location each episode, there should be an increase in diversity for fanfic settings.



I was really impressed with Pinkie Pie several times during this episode. She talked about being responsible and needing to organize her baking sheets. Her knowledge of laughter and fun makes her more suspicious of the happy cult ponies. I was a little upset when Pinkie let her guard down on several occasions for a joke. I realize she's Pinkie Pie, but it would've been nice to see her act more consistent, especially considering how concerned she was by the phoney smiles. The smiling ponies reminded me of the freaky faces in the Black Hole Sun music video.

I like how the bland fashions of the town makes Rarity throw up in her mouth.



As soon as the restaurant mentioned that they only served muffins, I envisioned a mountain of new Derpy fanart appearing.



If this episode is any indication, Ponies will be acknowledging Twilight Sparkle as an alicorn Princess more this Season.



Starlight Glimmer is the cult leader. The village is basically My Little Soviets: Communism is Magic.

We even have confirmation that the "In Our Town" song was inspired by World War II propaganda.





The episode went full George Orwell and had a staticy PA system blaring propaganda, 1984-style.



This premiere got pretty dark. Fluttershy is asked to expose the traitors in their midst. One stallion comes forward to spare his co-conspirators from a terrible fate.



Of all the commercials to air during the first episode of Season 5, the one that stood out the most was Zippy Sack. It's like a "my first fursona."

Megan McCarthy gives us the moral of the season five premiere:





The writers had to know that some of the things included in this episode would easily become memes.



As soon as I saw this part of the episode, I knew it wouldn't take long for someone to take this scene and replace the balloon bridge with a different kind of erection.



I liked that the mane six were powerless to stop the villain. In a sense, Starlight Glimmer is the most powerful antagonist Twilight and her friends have faced. She successfully subdued the mane six. They couldn’t beat her and had to rely on others.



It was also interesting to see that Starlight Glimmer was an unrepentant villain. I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of her.



It's now time to tackle the main topic for this month: Steven Universe.



Steven Universe is a Cartoon Network series created by Rebecca Sugar which premiered on November 4th, 2013. In the series, planet Earth is defended by the Crystal Gems; a group of intergalactic warriors who draw power from their special magical gemstones. It's basically a reboot of the Stone Protectors.

Seriously, though. The four main characters are Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and Steven. I've seen every episode of Steven Universe to date. For those who haven't seen the show, I recommend it in spite of its flaws.



The rest of this review will contain spoilers for the Steven Universe series.



Less than a week after my previous Rule34 update, Equestria Daily announced that they were going to make a sister site which catered to fans of Steven Universe. Instead of celebrating the unity between fandoms, some proponents of Steven Universe were outraged at the thought of sharing their show with bronies. [Warning: Contains strong language.]



First of all, no one was advocating that male fans of Steven Universe be called "Gemtlemen." That's just stupid. We prefer to be called "Crystal Gents," thank you very much. Some "Steventhusiats" acted as though bronies were invading aliens.



In an effort to protect the show they love, Steventhusiasts have become distrustful of other fandoms.



Not only did they draw a line in the sand, but murmurs arose about a possible invasion into sovereign brony territory.



Them's fightin' words.



These weren't isolated incidents either. The backlash became so severe that Equestria Daily canceled their plans for a Steven Universe site three days after making the initial announcement.



This confrontation between Bronies and Steventhusiasts became known as the Baby War.

I've included a dramatic reenactment below.

Which reminds me... I really should address Shirley Temple's "Baby Burlesks" during a future Rule 34 update...



The opposition stemmed from a fear that Bronies would flood the Steven Universe fandom with porn and misogyny. [Warning! Strong language!]



Pretentious? Moi? Bronies were accused of trying to corrupt the innocence of Steven Universe. After all, it's not like the series has a history of suggestive humor.



It's not like the series is rife with sexual innuendo, or anything.



"A boy on the cusp of manhood can't spend all day whackering."

It's not like Steven Universe is trying to be subtle about their constant masturbation jokes!



In fairness, the target audience for Steven Universe is slightly older than My Little Pony, so they can get away with more adult humor.



There's nothing wrong with the occasional mature joke in a kids' cartoon.

Heck, My Little Pony even managed to sneak a pederast into the show!



But Steven Universe would never joke about something as serious as child molestation, right?



This isn't that surprising when you realize that Rebecca Sugar has a history of drawing underage gay porn.



Given her predilection for preteens, it's not surprising that Rebecca Sugar would sexualize Steven Universe.



The episode where he appears naked is also filled with tentacles and forcibly-filled oral cavities.



I've defended the free expression of sexual fetishes, including underage cartoons. As long as a pornographer isn't hurting anyone and no actual children are exploited, people should be free to create any kind of smut. If Rebecca Sugar wants to draw underage gay porn, more power to her. All I'm saying is that Steventhusiasts should worry less about bronies and instead be more concerned about the Steven Crewniverse perverting the show.



Speaking of perversion, let's take a look and see how much porn fans of Steven Universe have been able to generate since its premiere on November 4, 2013. (I analyzed the data on the 10th of each month, in order to remain consistent with the My Little Pony rule 34 statistics.)

As of April 10, 2015, here's the state of Rule 34 for Steven Universe, according to Rule34.paheal.net:

Pearl has 322 images. 51 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 18.81% increase from last month. Amethyst has 235 images. 39 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 19.89% increase from last month. Garnet has 218 images. 39 explicit images were added during March, giving her a 21.78% increase from last month. Steven has 103 images. 29 explicit images were added during March, giving him a 39.18% increase from last month. The Steven Universe series has a total of 902 images. 240 explicit images were added during March, giving Steven Universe a 36.25% increase from last month.







My Little Pony has 75 times as much porn as Steven Universe! For every explicit image of Garnet, Amethyst or Pearl, there's 75 pictures of pony porn!



Regarding the main characters, Pearl has the most porn. I guess Mayor Dewey was right. Pearl is the hot one.



Out of all the Crystal Gem porn, Steven has the fewest explicit images. I guess Steventhusiasts don't like sexualizing little boys as much as the show's creator.



March 2015 showed the largest amount of new porn created for the Steven Universe series. More explicit imagery was generated in March than in the last five months combined! My Little Pony never experienced such a massive surge in Rule 34. Hmmm... Steven Universe may be the next big thing. Maybe I should monitor its progress on a more regular basis...



What do the creators think of all this porn? Ian Jones-Quartey, a storyboard artist and animator on Steven Universe, commented on the Baby War.







Can you imagine if the creators of Friendship is Magic said that Rule 34 of My Little Pony wasn't "going far enough?" Instead, our fandom gets smut-shaming comments like this:



Again, why are bronies being blamed for Steven Universe porn when people like Ian Jones-Quartey are encouraging the creation of sicker and weirder fan art?



Now that we've discussed the Baby War and Steven Universe Rule 34, let's talk more about the show itself. Thousands of years ago, a race of rock-based lifeforms known as Gems invaded Earth. Their intentions aren't fully known at this point in the series, but it appears as though their goal was to strip earth of its natural resources.



Gems don't age and can live for thousands of years. Their physical bodies are actually a form projected from their gems. This is why Steven Universe is basically a reboot of Gem and the Holograms.

Seriously, though. This could make for an interesting crossover with My Little Pony. Spike's diet consists of gemstones, so would this make him a mass murderer on Gemworld?



#Gemocide

Some of the Gems have a change of heart after arriving on earth and seek to protect humans from the "homeworld" Gems. This confederacy became known as the Crystal Gems.



So an invading force comes to steal precious resources, but a small number of the invaders rebel in order to defend the indigenous race? Where have I heard that before?



Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Avatar, Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, Dune and Ferngully.

The invasion was pretty expansive, since earth is dotted with ruined shrines or locations that were once of great importance to Gem culture, but have become derelict and fallen into disrepair during thousands of years of neglect.



Rose Quartz was the leader of the Crystal Gems. She could control earth's flora, resulting in consuming moss and choking vines. Along with Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl, the Crystal Gems protected earth from invasion. Pearl was apparently the Smithers to Rose Quartz's Mr. Burns.



Eventually, a love interest came along for Rose Quartz, which broke up the fab four.



Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Yoko Ono and the Beatles.



Greg Universe is a human who fathered Steven Universe with Rose Quartz. In the Story for Steven episode, we get a flashback of how Greg met Rose Quartz. The implication is that this took place years and years ago.



The gems appeared younger in the flashback, in spite of looking more grown up in a centuries-old painting.



The show isn't specific on the details of Steven's conception, but I'm guessing a womb was involved at some point.



In addition to projecting a physical form, Gems have the ability to shapeshift. It's likely that Rose Quartz grew genitalia which was compatible with her human lover, since gems don't reproduce. They're sexless by nature. Saying that Gems have no sex or gender feels like a loophole in order to get all the lesbian fan-service past the censors.











Even though the gems don't have an assigned gender, they all use female pronouns.

Sex: Gem

Gender: Gem

Race: Gem

Sexuality: Gem

People are celebrating the show for its depiction of lesbians, but the Gems are genderless, sexless rocks! Calling the Crystal Gems lesbian is like calling C-3PO gay. He's a genderless, sexless robot!



If the Crystal Gems are meant to be positive LGBT representation, then that means they rebelled against an entire planet of hostile lesbian invaders. Is the implication of this show that 99% of lesbians are evil and 1% are peaceful? I don't think that's what the creators were going for.



The live-action Steven Universe movie looks interesting.

The implication is that when Rose Quartz gave birth to Steven, she gave up her physical form in order to give him her gem. This means that Rose Quartz is essentially dead, but her gem resides with Steven, so maybe she's still alive in some capacity? Is Steven Universe the reincarnation of Rose Quartz?



The Gems can regenerate if their physical form is destroyed. In Steven the Sword Fighter, Pearl is stabbed, which disrupts the projection and forces her consciousness back inside her gem until her physical form can regenerate.



The Gems are basically lichs. They're nigh immortal beings who can only be killed if their phylactery gem is destroyed. Steven Universe is only half-gem. If he dies, but his mother's gem survives, would he regenerate or would Rose Quartz once again be able to project her physical body from her gem? Is Steven his mother's horcrux?



Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Harry Potter.



When Pearl regenerates, she's wearing a slightly different outfit.



There was some backlash from within the brony fandom when Twilight Sparkle became an alicorn. There were numerous complaints, but one of the issues was that this change would force fan artists and fanfic writers to fall in line with the new designs or risk having their work become dated. It's much more common to see fan art and fanfics featuring alicorn princess Twilight Sparkle. We rarely see her depicted as a unicorn in the fandom anymore.



When Pearl's projected physical body becomes damaged, she reverts back to her gem state. Why does her outfit change after she regenerates? They're shapeshifters. Why does she wait until she's destroyed before she gets a new outfit? In the Beach Party episode, we clearly see that the Crystal Gems can change their outfits to suit the occasion.



So why was Pearl's default costume changed after she regenerated? I'm not saying all cartoon characters should only have one outfit to prevent previous fanart from becoming dated.



One of my favorite things about Gravity Falls is that Mabel Pines has a different sweater every episode.



No, the problem lies with the fact that there's no explanation as to why Pearl's outfit is different after she regenerates. It makes her costume change seem all the more arbitrary. Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Doctor Who.



Except that Doctor Who at least has a reason behind the regenerations. It's so they can recast the actor. When you can shapeshift at will, why does your default appearance have minor changes after each regeneration?



The whole Steven the Sword Fighter episode was troublesome for a number of reasons. Pearl can create a hologram version of herself for training purposes. Gem technology acts more like computer programming as opposed to magic. I know Pearl enjoys realism, but why would you make a training simulator that can actually kill you? Are there no "laws of robotics" for gem tech? Also, after Pearl is destroyed, why is the hologram still around? You would think that it might disappear once the gem who created it had been destroyed. Even assuming that the Pearl hologram would last indefinitely, why didn't Garnet and Amethyst destroy it right then and there? Why was the homicidal hologram allowed into their home while they waited for Pearl to regenerate? They even make mention of the fact that Pearl's regeneration is taking longer than normal. Maybe the hologram was using up Pearl's "bandwidth" and slowing the "download" of her new physical form. The only reason why the killer copy of Pearl was allowed to live is so there could be an action scene in the third act. There was no reason to keep it alive; especially after it killed a member of your team.



Pearl's Gem is located in her forehead. This reflects her focus on intelligence and reason. In spite of this, Pearl's had her fair share of dumb mistakes. When the Crystal gems discover some of Rose Quartz's killer moss, they don't dispose of it or try to contain it in some way. All they do is put up some police tape. Seriously? This fails to work and Steven has to save some teens from suffocating in his mom's mossy carpet.



In another instance, they recover a gem relic which can control sand. Instead of storing it in a safe place, they use it as part of their pillow fort.



The relic is soon taken and they have to stop it from destroying Beach City. It's difficult to cheer for characters when the problems they fix could've been prevented with a little common sense.



In the Lion 3: Straight to Video episode, its revealed that Pearl frequently watches Steven while he sleeps. She knows it's wrong, because she blushes and becomes flustered when she gets caught. Considering how much of a crush she had on Rose, Pearl appears to have an unhealthy obsession with Steven.



Amethyst is voiced by Michaela Dietz, who is best known for her work as the voice of Cousin Riff on Barney.

Amethyst's gem is located in her chest. This reflects her passionate nature and following the emotions of her heart. She cares little for humans and has no qualms about stealing or destroying property. Her weapon of choice is a whip. She was created on Earth by the homeworld Gems before teaming up with Rose Quartz, Garnet and Pearl to stop the invaders. The On the Run episode reveals more about Amethyst's birth and is filled with more Freudian imagery than a Georgia O'Keeffe art gallery.



The character of Garnet is voiced by Estelle.



Different Estelle.

There's an explicit version of this song for those who want to find it.

Garnet is the strong, silent type. Her weapons of choice are her power gauntlets. She punches sharks and can swim in lava, yet she wears oven mitts when taking cookies out of the oven.



Garnet's gems are located in the palms of her hands. They represent her "hands on" approach to situations.



Considering that Gems permanently dies if their gem is destroyed, you'd think they'd take more care into protecting them with some sort of armor. It couldn't be anything solid, since the weapons have to materialize from the gem. Pearl could wear a helmet, with a latch that could open so as to allow her weapon through. Amethyst could wear a breastplate with a latched covering so her whip could emerge. From an evolutionary standpoint, Garnet is the most likely Gem to survive, because her gauntlets keep her gems protected when she fights.



Steven Universe is the protagonist of the series. His Gem is located in his navel, which is fitting, since the umbilical cord is what links a mother with her child. In the 25h episode, Mirror Gem, we learn that Steven Universe doesn't have a concept of school. Talk about a sheltered existence! Not only must he not have had any meaningful interactions with humans prior to this, but he must've avoided 75% of the media targeted towards his demographic, since a majority of programming aimed at children predominately features or at least mentions school. I can't get over it. Steven not having a concept of school sounds like something hastily written as a gag, but it has unfortunate implications.

The "Gem-powered" mirror gets energy from an imprisoned Gem who's basically a battery slave. Apparently, Gems can be used as a fuel source. Steven Universe is basically a reboot of the Matrix.



Greg Universe has become a pitiable figure. He owns a car wash, but can't afford a home, so he lives out of his van.

Meanwhile, the Crystal Gems live in a huge home built into a mountain! They offer to take in Steven, but not Greg. I would say that Greg should be more involved in Steven's life, but he didn't care enough about his child's education to explain to him what the concept of school was, so perhaps Steven's better off having minimal interaction with his homeless father.



The show isn't clear when Steven came to live with the Crystal Gems. How long did Greg try to raise Steven out of the back of a van before the Gems stepped in and took him away? Does Greg pay any child support? How does Steven eat? The Crystal Gems don't need food. They don't have jobs. Does Greg just drop off a jarful of quarters from the car wash each month?



As the series progresses, we learn more about the powers Steven inherited from his mother. In an episode entitled An Indirect Kiss, we find out about Rose Quartz's killer vines and Steven discovers that he can heal people and improve their eyesight... with his spit.

"And He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when He had spit on his eyes, and put His hands upon him, He asked him if he saw ought . And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking. After that He put His hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly." -Mark:823-25

I haven't seen such blatant Christ-like parallels since Man of Steel. Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Jesus of Nazareth.

What's next? A lion that can walk on water?



Oh.

Steven's love interest is a bookish girl named Connie.



Steven Universe is basically a reboot of King of the Hill.



Seriously, though. Steven used his spit to heal her eyes. She no longer has to wear glasses because he gave her perfect vision. He could cure all diseases by bottling his saliva! Save millions of lives! Become a billionaire and buy his dad a house! Instead, Steven loses his ability to heal a couple of episodes later. After Greg's leg becomes injured, he stays with the Crystal Gems for a while. Steven tries to heal his dad's leg with magical spit, but it doesn't work. Steven's confidence is shattered. It's later revealed that his saliva healed Greg's leg, but Greg wouldn't admit it. He lied and said his leg was still broken so he could spend more time with Steven. Greg's selfishness came at the expense of a cure to all diseases. His lie made Steven doubt his own abilities and caused him to lose his healing spit. The episode contains some horribly cliched writing, complete with the unwanted house guest who is given a whistle and abuses the privilege by calling for help over the most trivial things. This is made worse when it's learned that Greg was faking his injury after being miraculously healed. In spite of this, House Guest isn't the worst episode of Steven Universe.



That ignominy belongs to Fusion Cuisine.



It's worth noting that both House Guest and Fusion Cuisine were both written by the same people. I think we've found the Merriwether Williams of Steven Universe writers.



Holy cow! Are those Merriwether blog posts two and a half years old?!

Fusion Cuisine ranks as the weakest episode of Steven Universe. It begins with Steven and Connie watching a medical drama called "Under the Knife."



Connie doesn't need to wear her glasses because Steven healed them. She still wears them around her parents because she doesn't know how to explain to them that her friend can perform miracles. Connie can't watch Under the Knife at home because her mother, a doctor, doesn't like how the depiction of the emergency room isn't true to life. Connie dismisses the criticism by siting that Under the Knife is satire. While they're watching the show, Connie's mother calls and wants to speak with Steven's mother. It would've been easy for Connie to say that Steven's mom is dead. No need to go into the details of her being a rock-based alien. Instead of telling the truth however, Connie tells her mom that Steven has a nuclear family. The usage of the term is mostly there to work-in a ham-fisted joke about Steven denying that the crystal gems are radioactive. I'm assuming Steven's knowledge of nuclear radiation comes from watching Godzilla movies, because eight episodes ago he had no concept of school. Steven watches television. He plays video games. Institutions of learning are frequently portrayed in popular fiction. How is it reasonable for Steven to have no concept of school? The line was probably written as an offhanded joke, but at what cost? Whenever I watch any of the 25 episodes prior to Mirror Gem, I'm constantly reminding myself that Steven has no concept of school in these episodes.

Using the term nuclear family here is interesting. While the concept dates back to early man, the phrase is relatively recent; less than 100 years old. The use of nuclear refers to its general meaning as a central entity or "nucleus" around which others collect. Connie's parents are concerned about their daughter spending so much time with a boy they hardly know anything about. They want to have a dinner date so their two families can meet. This presents a problem, since Connie lied about Steven having a mother.



Connie's parents are presented as traditionalist in the sense that they would think less of a non-nuclear family. Connie is too worried about what her parents think to be honest about Steven's family situation. This should be a big red flag for Steven. Connie lying about Steven's home life isn't treated as a big issue in the episode. Then, she convinces Steven to help cover her lie so that they can be together. He performs a miracle and heals here eyes and how does she repay him? By being ashamed of his family and wanting him to lie for her. This is not a healthy relationship.



So, Steven has to choose which one of the Crystal Gems to bring to dinner as his mother. Pearl seems like the clear candidate. She has better manners than Amethyst and is a better conversationalist than Garnet. In order to disqualify her, the writers of this episode, Lamar Abrams and Hellen Jo, give Pearl a flaw in which she's disgusted by the concept of eating. This statement seems to be at odds with the episode So Many Birthdays, in which Pearl commented that she liked pie. (Incidentally, So Many Birthdays is my favorite episode of Steven Universe.)



Now, one could make the case that Pearl liked the look and concept of pie, but was repulsed at the thought of eating it. Or, maybe Pearl meant Pi instead.



The Together Breakfast episode ends with the Steven and the Crystal Gems ordering some pizza. Pearl seems enthusiastic, but maybe she's not expressing her reluctance to eat so as to not hurt Steven's feelings. In Bubble Buddies, Pearl comments on wanting to find out Connie's favorite kind of tea in preparation for having her over, as though Pearl was familiar with different types of tea. But maybe tea's fine, since it's drinking and not eating... until an episode comes out in which Pearl says how much she detests drinking liquids, in which case we can assume that her enthusiasm was pertaining to the look and concept of tea; not in drinking tea.



Speaking of tea and Connie, it bothers me whenever the Gems act socially awkward around people. The previous example of showing enough thoughtfulness to find out Connie's favorite tea proves they have some concept of manners and social graces. It's inconsistent when the Pearl goes from planning a tea party to acting like she has no concept of human relationships.







Can you imagine if My Little Pony had characters which were supposed to be thousands of years old, yet they were still ignorant about basis things?

In Celestia's defense, there are those who say she knew exactly what parasprites were and was just feigning ignorance.



Pearl is still the best behaved. Take her along and say she's on a liquid diet. As of right now, I'm going to assume Pearl finds drinking preferable to eating. The Gems are all shapeshifters! At one point Amethyst made made herself look like Rose Quartz so she could torment Greg by pretending to be his dead wife. Maximum Capacity was a dark, twisted episode and I loved it.



The point is, have Pearl transform into Rose Quartz. No, instead of a reasonable solution, Steven suggests that all three of the gems fuse together into one. The concept of gems fusing into larger gems is one of the most unique elements of the show... for those too young to remember Dragon Ball Z.

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Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Dragon Ball Z.

The concept of gem fusion was hyped up in the Giant Woman episode. Steven even sang a song about wanting to see a gem fusion. It was built up as this awesome transformation and the finished product of Pearl and Amethyst fusing into Opal did not disappoint. They storyboard showed Opal making the Hindu Swastika symbol with her arms.



In the Hindu religion, the swastika is a sign of good luck which means "all is well." The swastika is one of the symbols of the Hindu god Vishnu as well as a symbol of the sun and of the Hindu sun god, Surya. The symbol imitates, in the rotation of its arms, the course taken daily by the sun. Opal's arm placement was changed when the episode aired, out of concerns for Nazi symbolism. Considering how many people were upset about Derpy's depiction and censorship, can you imagine what would happen if My Little Pony included a swastika in the show?



Oh.

I was excited to see the next fusion in Coach Steven. Amethyst fuses with Garnet to form Sugilite. This episode received a fair amount of backlash from Steventhusiasts. The episode was accused of being racist because when two characters who are predominately coded black, (Garnet and Amethyst) fused together they transformed into a violent beast. A double black-coded fusion is a thuggish monster in both appearance and mind. The implication is that grace and intelligence could only be added by fusing with a white-coded gem like Pearl.



In the Jail Break episode, we find out that Garnet is a fusion herself, which seems obvious in retrospect. She has a gem on each hand, whereas all non-fusions only have a single gem. When soul mates find each other, it's compared to two halves becoming whole. That's what gem fusion represents. Joe Johnston, one of the writers and storyboard artists for Steven Universe was asked if Ruby and Sapphire's love was romantic or platonic?” He answered with a very succinct “Romantic yo.”



So gems can have romantic relationships in spite of lacking gender and genitalia. Gems don't age, so there's no need for reproduction. The practical purpose of sex is procreation. The practical purpose of fusion is preservation. When gems fuse, it makes them bigger, stronger and more able to defend themselves. It requires concentration, though. Gems who can't work together won't be able to control their fusion. Basically, Steven Universe is a reboot of Pacific Rim.



Ruby and Sapphire fused to form Garnet. Their love is so strong that they remain fused indefinitely. Fusion could be construed as the gem equivalent of sex, which would mean that Garnet is constantly having sex with herself 24/7. That would explain why she's so good at Meat Beat Mania...



This can create some problems, though. In the episode Alone Together, Steven fuses with Connie.



When Steven dances with Connie, he fuses with her into a thin-waisted and wide-hipped, long-haired, short-shorts and crop top-wearing person named Stevonnie. A preteen boy "fuses" with a preteen girl.



You can't paint gem fusion as an intimate and sensual experience with Ruby and Sapphire only to ignore all the sexual subtext when it's two kids fusing. In Jailbreak, Garnet sings a song about her fusion in which she taunts a homeworld gem by saying, “You’re just mad ’cause you’re single.” If the implication is that the opposite of single is being in a romantic relationship, then Steven had "relations" with Connie when they fused. Pearl even acknowledges the inappropriate nature of the situation, which is saying something considering she's a chronic voyeur. When "Peeping Pearl" says something's inappropriate, you know it's serious.



A guy named Kevin tries to hit on the fusion of Steven and Connie. When they separate back into two kids, he has second thoughts.





The look of a boy who just lost his "virgemnity."

In the Open Book episode, Steven is straddled by the imaginary construct of Connie that he created... while she's wearing a wedding dress.



Drawing naked little boys, french fry tentacles, watching little boys sleep, having little boys and little girls "fuse" together, straddled by a preteen bride... This series certainly is a window into the fetishes of Rebecca Sugar. All bronies have been able to learn about Lauren Faust is that she has a fart and scat fetish.



Which brings us to the dinner. In a well-crafted farce, there are several things to consider. The word itself derives from the French for ‘stuffing’ and refers to the medieval custom of ‘stuffing’ a program with several short comedic scenes. The action of a farce is propelled by panic, with characters lying to save face, which compounds the problem since they now have to deal not only with the original issue but also the lie and hence they behave even more bizarrely. A farce differs from a comedy. Comedy is about characters saying funny lines or slapstick. In a farce, the humor comes from the characters and the situation. Often the funniest line in a farce is a well-placed exclamation of "What?" The Two Mrs. Cranes episode of Frasier is a perfect example of a modern farce.



The scene has to start out believable in order be a proper farce. In the episode entitled Not Phineas and Ferb, the concept of a farce is subverted nicely. The situation is that Irving's brother Albert prides himself on being a truth detector who can't be fooled. When Irving tries to show Albert that Phineas and Ferb recreated the Eiffel Tower in their backyard, things go wrong immediately.



In this farce, the joke comes from playing on our expectations. Instead of having a normal scene that slowly builds to something crazy, we begin with a crazy scene and watch Irving squirm as he waits for Albert to call fraud. Instead, Albert, who has been established as a skeptic, is all too easy to believe whatever is put in front of him; to the point where Irving becomes irritated that his brother is so easily fooled.

So what happens in Fusion Cuisine? Connie and her parents are kept waiting 20 minutes. The actual fusion happens offscreen. We see the Crystal Gems fused into one being, Alexandrite.



This is a joke, but the joke is on the audience. Gem fusions were made to be big events.



Steventhusiasts were eagerly anticipating what the fusion of Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl would look like. What threat would warrant their combined power? Instead of some mighty foe or cataclysmic event, Alexandrite makes her debut at a feeble farce.



Connie's parents have been built up as overly critical and intelligent. Her mother's a doctor, for crying out loud! When a 40-foot-tall, six-armed monster approached them, why didn't they grab Connie and run? The Crystal Gems are the only members of their species on Earth. Has Connie's mom treated 40-foot-tall, six-armed creatures at her hospital before? Humans are the dominate race on the planet. The Gems fight the occasional monster, but they're seldom if ever friendly. What prior positive experiences with giant monsters have Connie's parents had which told them that this situation was alright?



Then the dinner starts. The scenario is already unbelievable, given what has been implied about these characters. Connie's parents aren't skeptical of Alexandrite. This scene could've worked if they had played up the absurdity like Phineas and Ferb. Have Connie get upset that her parents were taking everything so well.



Connie pulls Steven aside to talk to him in private. She doesn't take the opportunity to comment on how her parents haven't raised any objections. All she does is berate Steven for bringing Alexandrite and presents the obvious and more effective solution of only bringing one of the Gems. Steven accuses Connie of being ashamed of his family.



The fusion become too much for the Crystal Gems once they start bickering with each other. When the Crystal Gems separate, we see a shot of four distinct persons. This was some of the strongest evidence to support the theory that Garnet was a fusion.



Of course, considering that dancing is required for fusion, it's a bit of a cheat that Ruby and Sapphire can fuse into Garnet midair just by holding hands.



Once Connie's parents see that Alexandrite was really formed out of multiple people, they scold Connie for lying. Connie runs away and Steven follows her to the bus stop. Connie said that if her parents found out about the magic, they might not let her hang out with Steven. The fact that they ate dinner with Alexandrite tells me Connie's parents were okay with some unusual things. Like Steven's mom having six arms.



A show which already established that its lead character has never been to school with no negative repercussions teaches another "important lesson" for children. Connie suggests that they run away and Steven thinks this is a great idea. Never mind leaving his dad and the Crystal Gems behind. Neither of them show any remorse either. Connie's talking about sustainable living. The only reason why their runaway failed was because Alexandrite chased down the bus. (The Gems fused offscreen again.)



The episode ends with the Gems punishing Steven for running away. To its credit, the episode points out that running away is serious and can get you in a lot of trouble. Connie's parents, the Crystal Gems and Greg bond while punishing the children.

"All comedy is derived from fear." -Garnet, Fusion Cuisine

The problem is, there was no fear this episode. No panic. The characters experienced mild annoyance, which was shared by the audience. Fusion Cuisine wasted the awesome fusion Alexandrite by having it debut in this episode. It's a shame too, because Alexandrite's such an awesome design.





The episode ends with Steven going in for a hug, only for Connie's dad to separate them.



Nice try, old man. In five episodes, Steven's gonna be takin' your daughter's virgemnity.





At least the Uncle Grandpa crossover episode was confirmed as noncanon. I wish we could say the same for Fusion Cuisine.





It may seemed like I covered a lot, but I've only scratched the surface. There are myriads of other facets to explore with Steven Universe. I never talked about any of the specific homeworld Gems in depth. I didn't talk about Ronaldo and "Keep Beach City Weird." I barely mentioned Steven's pet Lion. Sadie and Lars never got a mention. Neither did the cool kids. The monsters the Gems fight were only glossed over and I never talked about the theories regarding their origins. I left out several of Steven's Gem powers. The trials the Gems give Steven in order to test him. I never talked about Onion! Or Cookie Cat! I never talked about the Garnet's Universe episode. I never talked about galaxy warps or homemade spaceships. There's so much more to discuss...



In closing, Bronies and Steventhusiasts should be friends. As for the Steventhusiasts who want to keep bronies out of the fandom...



Thanks for reading to the end of another blog post! Feel free to discuss My Little Pony and/or Steven Universe in the comments. Talk about your favorite episodes and characters! (This blog post also had a running gag. Feel free to continue it by mentioning other things that Steven Universe is a "reboot" of; i.e. something that Steven Universe draws inspiration from.) I'll be back next month with another Rule 34 update!