In 2015, actor-comedian Aziz Ansari spoke up about becoming a feminist: “What I’ve learned, as a guy, is to just ask women questions and listen to what they have to say.”

In 2018, he was accused of sexual assault.

An anonymous 23-year-old woman gave a vivid account in an article titled “I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life.” where she details their sexual encounter.

The story goes like this: He invited her out on a date. They went back to his apartment, and then engaged in acts of sex.

The night ends with him calling her an Uber while she cried her way home.

But here’s where it gets confusing: He thought it was consensual; she did not.

She said she “gave verbal and nonverbal cues to indicate that she didn’t want to continue.”

The article created a pubic relations crisis for Ansari.

He had just won Best Actor at the Golden Globes, where he declared his support for the fight against sexual harassment by wearing a “Time’s Up” pin.

The Time’s Up initiative is dedicated to confronting abuse of power and promoting gender equality in the workplace.

The public response has been polarizing.

Some defended Ansari, saying it was just a bad date with bad sex.

The New York Times said Ansari is only guilty of “not being a mind reader.” The Guardian said that this woman’s “revenge porn” is “proof that women are angry, temporarily powerful — and very, very dangerous.”

Others defended the woman, sharing that they too had suffered uncomfortable and violating experiences because a date had deliberately ignored their verbal and nonverbal cues.

More nuanced commentators point out that women have lived within longstanding social expectations of femininity that pressure them to be pleasing, compliant, and agreeable. This makes it more challenging for women to explicitly say “No” and more confusing for men who can’t read between the lines.

Here’s what is clear: both parties made social fumbles that night.

Yet, people have a hard time talking about it.

Saturday Night Live aired a revealing sketch poking fun at the awkwardness of addressing the incident.

In the SNL sketch “Dinner Discussion”, a group of friends get noticeably uncomfortable around the dinner table after one person dares bring up Aziz Ansari. Everyone is so worried about saying the wrong thing that no one really says anything.

Here, we’ll revisit the events (as reported by the woman).

While there are wider societal challenges influencing sexual behaviors, we will focus on specific, actionable social intelligence tactics to help you avoid becoming a victim or perpetrator.