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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alleged billionaire businessman and former Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal lover David Dennison has issued the following statement in regards to what, if anything, President Donald J. Trump told him about a June 2016 meeting between Trump’s son Don Jr., several Trump campaign officials, and a number of Russian officials.

This development comes following a CNN report that, despite all previous denials to the contrary, Mr. Trump knew that the meeting was taking place in Trump Tower, and that the meeting include members of the Russian government, which would mean that all his protestations of “No collusion” were false, though nearly every American would surely be shocked to their core to find out Trump was capable of being less than truthful.

Mr. Dennison’s statement, delivered via his new lawyer, Rudolph Julie-Anna, who is in no way, shape, or form, former New York City Mayor and current Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani, by the way, is reprinted faithfully from its original crayon scrawling, below:

To Whom It May Concern, Especially My Haters In the Fake News Media:

First off, I am not anyone except David Dennison. If you attempt to prove I am not David Dennison, I will sue you and use all the presidential powers I — excuse me — someone I know very bigly well has to put you in one of those FEMA camps Blacky McLastGuy built to put you all in for the forced gay marriages and shit THAT ARE TOTALLY REAL NEWS. So now that we have established as 100% fact that I am who I say I am and NOBODY FUCKING ELSE, let me say one thing, followed by rambling about something incoherently while giving myself the sloppiest rhetorical blowjob ever.

I am a great businessman, and honestly one of the greatest thinkers of our time. It was, if I’m being honest, MY idea for Donald Trump to run for president. I am very close to Donald, and really, you should all be thanking me just as much as you thank him, but well, I digress. However, the point is, as close as we are, Donald never told me about the meeting between that dopey fucking kid I have never liked, and honestly I told Ivana to get a goddamned abortion, but she refused, and now that stupid overbite fuck is ruining my life…wait. IVANKA HOW DO I TURN OFF VOICE TO TEXT FOR A MINUTE?! IVANKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Where was I? Right, David Dennison here to tell you that I didn’t know shit, I never knew shit, and you can’t prove I ever did. Screw you all.

Warmest Regards,

David Dennison (Totally Not Donald Trump)

[email protected]

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.