Borowitz writes: "There is a 'significant link' between gun violence and cowardly politicians, a new study from the University of Minnesota asserts."



Mitch McConnell. (photo: Olivier Douliery/Getty Images)

Link Found Between Gun Violence and Cowardly Politicians

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

here is a “significant link” between gun violence and cowardly politicians, a new study from the University of Minnesota asserts.

The study, which is raising eyebrows with its startling conclusions, finds that the most reliable predictor of gun violence is the “prevalence of quiveringly fearful politicians in positions of power.”

As part of the study’s methodology, researchers examining gun violence compared countries ruled by non-cowards with those ruled by gutless toadies.

“In countries ruled by non-cowards, such as New Zealand, gun violence is virtually nonexistent,” the study claims.

While the study’s authors paint a bleak picture of nations with “coward-rich” leadership, they offer a recommendation to remedy this dire state of affairs.

“While censoring movies or video games would have no measurable effect on gun violence, major strides can be made by replacing cowards in government with non-cowards,” the study suggests, noting that this theory could be tested as early as 2020.