<National Report>The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s (North Korea) Ministry of Information announced today that although the country had sent an Olympic delegation to the games, and did not send a team, its people should not be concerned because its fearless, eternal leader, Kim Jong-Un had agreed to participate himself in a variety of events. The North Korean news service went on to announce that Un had been victorious in every event in which he had entered, despite never having trained, the North Korean President had single-handedly won the pairs figure skating competition as well as the two man bobsled, setting world records ‘never to be broken’, in both events.

The Information Service went on to announce that the ‘glorious and exalted’ leader, Kim Jong-Un had taken the Gold in Ski Jumping, ‘flying higher and farther than scientists had previously believed humanly possible,’ just after announcing that the North Korean President had won the Giant Downhill Slalom, beating athletes from every other country, including ‘Imperialist Dogs’, The United States and Japan, as well as capping off his visit by shutting out the Soviet National Hockey Team in a game yet to be played; concluding the announcement by saying that, “All victories accomplished with ‘record scores and times’ never to be broken in the history of mankind.

It was also reported by North Korean independent sources, that Kim Jong-Un so loves his people that he will refuse the medals and honors and all Western style decadent celebrations in his ‘glorification’ and will immediately return to his country to share the glory and greatness of his unprecedented performances with the people while allowing the sun to rise and set in his honor.

In a follow up, officials from the Russian Olympic Federation denied that Kim Jong-Un was even in attendance at the games, much less a participant. “He would have had to qualify just as all athletes are required to do, and we have no one by that name registered as a participant.” a spokesman told the National Report – a charge Kim Jong-Un’s spokesman angrily denied as propaganda and the product of international jealousy over the prowess and supremacy of The Great Leader over ‘mortals’.

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