You know when you drink alcohol to crazy excess how you want to smash skyscrapers, unbuild bridges, chew on trains and melt military vehicles with your breath? Now you can with Godzilla™ wine! In a slick marketing move to “expand the brand,” Toho, owners of Godzilla’s name, likeness and earning potential, have issued a limited edition velvety red cabernet that when consumed in great quantities, gives you the attitude, if not strength, of a giant monster born of the Atom Age. Question: Why did it take so long to do this?

Actually, Godzilla wine made a brief debut back in 2002 when Adler Fels Winery in California’s screaming citizen-filled Napa Valley produced a boldly austere Cabernet Sauvignon called Cabzilla. The label featured Godzilla waving around a glass of goofy grape and looking all happy and rosy cheeked. Not cool. First, Godzilla is clearly a beer ’n Jagermeister kind of guy. (Don’t believe me? Who doesn’t go on city-wide rampages after drinking multiple shots of that horribly delicious retard juice?) Secondly, Godzilla’s lawyers are far more destructive than the beast they represent. These guys legally forced the winery to pour out ALL the remaining stock. And broke artists/poets/street bums everywhere screamed in anguish.

So where can you pick up a case of this officially licensed sippy booze? Japan, duh. (If you go there, bring me back some. I don’t drink wine because wine sucks, but I want the bottle to put shampoo in.) Each 750ml container will set you back 4,800 yen, or just under $55 radioactive fins. Seems kinda pricey. Then again, I throw a fit when a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon™ gets above $4.50 a case at Costco™.

You can order it online HERE, or Facebook with some “friend” in Japan Land and get them to send you a bottle. You know, for the betterment of foreign relations and such.

While Godzilla wine pairs nicely with a side of crumbled buildings, what we really need is beer made by Godzilla. There is no roof on the possibilities and/or ramifications of getting butt-faced on a case of Godzilla beer. C’mon, Toho — don’t make me beg.

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