This is a FAQ on TKOP (That Kind of Party) based on my experience, which is with a community that is mostly heterosexual or bi, based in North America. I am not familiar enough with the scenes for gay men or women or the scenes in other parts of the world to presume to write a FAQ for them. I'd love people who do have that experience to add to this (or write their own FAQs, which I'd be happy to link to)! And in general, if you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know. I'm leaving this public so people can forward it around if they want.It's a gathering where adults get together to socialize and potentially do sexy and/or kinky things to each other.If you have friends who go to TKOP, mention to them that you'd be interested in going to one. Don't assume they already know! Many people are uncomfortable with this sort of thing, and so people generally err on the side of assuming someone is not interested if they've never said anything one way or the other. Also, be patient -- many parties are private and don't have the capacity for everyone the host(s) already know, much less newcomers. Keep (politely!) reminding your friends of your interest, but don't pressure them for an invite to a particular party.If you don't know anyone with connections to that scene, try to find an organization in your area for kinksters or swingers. Google is your friend! There are many local groups who have online discussion groups and/or in-person meetings, often called "munches". Munches are low-key affairs at a restaurant or bar where people can meet up, hang out, and generally get to know one another outside of the (sometimes high-pressure) atmosphere of TKOP. Be friendly and respectful (you're going to see that advice a lot). Again, be patient, especially if you're a single man. Dofeel as if you have to come across as Kinkiest Person Evar to fit in; if anything, that kind of posturing is likely to turn people off.There may also be some public parties, events, or conventions in your area, generally in bars or hotels; the best way to hear about these, again, is to get on the mailing list for your area. You can also consider joining FetLife.com, which is a social network for kinky people. Many events are advertised here, and you can potentially start chatting online with other like-minded folk in your area.That varies a lot from party to party, naturally, especially depending on the locale (bar, hotel, or private home, as well as country to country or state to state, depending on the local laws). Some parties are more sexually-focused, and some parties are more kink-focused (activities such as percussion play, piercing, and so on). In general, however, they are not the wall-to-wall-fucking Roman orgies that many people seem to picture. ;-) At every party I've been to, most of the people most of the time were socializing. Parties generally have an area for hanging out that is separate from any of the play/sex areas.Again, be friendly and respectful. I can't emphasize the latter enough -- err on the side of meticulous respect. Being respectful is the best way to make people feel comfortable enough with you to play with you or invite you to future parties. Conversely, being even moderately disrespectful of a few people's boundaries is the fastest way to shunt your name to the bottom of the invite list. And as I mentioned above, these parties are usually full before approaching the bottom of the list.Again, don't feel like you have to strut around like Mr. or Ms. Domly Dom(me) (or Mr. or Ms. Subbie Sub). People will understand that you might be nervous and shy. Putting on an attitude will usually get you nowhere.More etiquette tips are at the bottom of this FAQ.The single best way is to always ask first. Ask if it's okay to hug someone. Ask if it's okay to watch (if there isn't already a crowd of spectators, and if you won't disturb what's going on by doing so). Ask, ask, ask -- and take no gracefully and without argument. Ask even if it seems like the person is very free with everyone else -- they mayeveryone else. No one will be bothered by you being too respectful of their boundaries.Again, that depends on the rules. Most parties will have an explicit set of rules. If you haven't seen them before you arrive, ask the host(s) what they are. You will be expected to read, remember, and follow the rules.If you're still unsure what's acceptable from a social standpoint, take some time to hang out and watch what's going on around you. No one will fault you for taking your time to get comfortable and familiar with a particular group.Some parties will have areas that are marked off for particular uses. Your hosts should make it clear what is dedicated to what, but as always, if in doubt, ask!Absolutely! As I said, most people most of the time are socializing. You won't stick out if you're not playing. No one will notice if you don't play at all; in fact, many experienced TKOP attendees will have parties where they don't do anything but socialize, for a variety of reasons (not in the mood, there without their usual play partners, etc.)In fact, it might be best if you went to your first TKOP with the expectation that you won't do anything but socialize and get to know people. That's a common experience, even for people who end up being very popular later. If you get to play, great! If you don't, then try not to view it as a wasted experience.Absolutely! Most people, actually, tend to play within their existing relationships, rather than hooking up with new people.Ironically, it's sometimes harder to "hook up" at these parties than normal parties, because everyone (hopefully) is erring on the side of being very respectful. Subtle signals will often be missed or interpreted as just flirting or being friendly. Be prepared to be explicit. It's scary! But the alternative is not getting what you want. ;-)Make it known, politely and respectfully, what you're interested in. For instance, while socializing with a group, you could say, "I'd really like to try X tonight; if any of you know someone who might be interested in doing that with me, please point me out to them." (Hint: saying "point me out to them" is more respectful than "point them out to me", because it allows the potential play partner to decide whether they're up for it under the least amount of pressure). Some parties will have a designated "fantasy fairy" whose job it is to try and match people up. If all else fails, talk to the host(s), as they will often have a good idea of who would be interested in certain activities.Try to get them when they're not in conversation with anyone else (hard to do sometimes!) and say something like, "I wanted to let you know that I'd like to do X with you. If you have any time tonight and are interested, let me know at some point," then walk away or rejoin the general conversation. Again, this allows them to decide if they're interested under the least amount of pressure. It's important to tell them what you'd like to do as clearly as possible (fool around in the mattress room, spank them, get spanked, whatever) and to give them time to think it over and, if they need to, check in with their partner(s). If you know they're going to the party in advance, you might even email them to give them loads of time to decide and work out their schedule. Some people have many established partners they want to play with and therefore not a lot of free time.Turn them down as gracefully as you can. You are absolutely never expected to do anything you don't want to do with anyone you don't want to do it with. Conversely, everyone is expected to take no for an answer. If you are feeling hassled by anyone, speak to the host(s) -- they will want to know.It's okay to want to do something but not with that person. Try to be polite and considerate, but don't feel that because you turned X down for a flogging that you can't accept Y's offer.If you do say yes to something and change your mind, again, let the person know clearly but considerately.As an addendum to all of the above,. If you can't think of a way to be polite or considerate, just be clear. Everyone at these parties wants a willing and consenting partner -- and if they don't, they won't be welcome at any more parties.Every party has what's called a "safeword" -- something you can say to let the person or people you're playing with know that you're not okay. Often the safeword will actually be "safeword". Lots of people also know about the "colour" system -- green means go ahead, yellow means slow down, and red means stop.-- again, not doing things that you don't want to do trumps everything. People will respect you more for having clear boundaries than they will for "toughing it out" and being emotionally or physically damaged afterward.If the person doesn't stop, call the safeword loud enough for others to hear. I've never seen this actually happen, but everyone knows the protocol -- they will stop what is going on if a safeword is called and seemingly ignored.If the activity somehow involves blocking your mouth (with a gag, a pillow, etc.), then arrange a physical safeword. Often the person who won't be able to speak will hold on to an object; letting go of it is the "safeword" signal. It's a good idea for that object to be one that will make a noise when it hits the floor (for example, a set of keys).The counterpart to saying no clearly is waiting to hear a clear "yes". The gold standard in our community is called "enthusiastic consent" -- which means that you get a clear and unequivocal "yes" before proceeding. If you ask "Is it okay if I do this?" and you get silence or "I don't know", take that as a no and back off. The worst that will happen if you back off mistakenly is that you'll both be a little disappointed, which you'll hopefully get the chance to remedy later. The worst that will happen if you proceed mistakenly is a sexual assault, which may be impossible to ever remedy.Some parties have a dress code. If there's a dress code it should be made clear in the party announcement.In my experience, most parties don't have a dress code. Some people will take the opportunity to dress up in their finest vinyl or leather, and if you would enjoy that, go ahead! Some people will dress up in their finest birthday suits, rules permitting. ;-) And some people will dress up in their finest jeans and a t-shirt. Wear whatever will make you feel comfortable and attractive.If you're still not sure what to wear, ask the host(s).The Internet is your friend! One of the biggest sites for sex/kinky toys is JT's Stockroom Good Vibrations is a good site for sex toys.If you'd rather shop in person, local groups will often have events that include vending, and sometimes there will be a permanent store in town that sells kinky gear. If you live in a major metropolis, there are probably several! Find your local kinksters using the methods discussed above and they should be able to point the way.Some parties have cover charges to offset the expense involved in throwing the party. This should be made very clear in the invitation or announcement, but if you're in doubt, ask the host(s).Intoxication is frowned upon for safety reasons. Most private parties will not serve or allow intoxicants. Parties at bars will have alcohol, but as I said, getting drunk (or even approaching drunk) will not be appreciated.That depends very much on where the party is. Different countries, and even different areas within a country, have widely different attitudes and laws about these things. There are often laws on the books that are not enforced; the authorities generally have better things to spend their time on than a bunch of consenting adults getting together quietly behind closed doors to do naughty things to each other. In my experience in North America, going to TKOP is a very, very small risk. I've only heard about one raid; it was at a large public event, and no one attending the event was arrested or charged.In fact, many of the larger public events are in touch with the local law enforcement, and may even hire them to provide security. For the private events, it's very unlikely that the police would even hear about it, much less have any reason to care.(sorry, I couldn't think of a way to phrase that as a question)Not everyone does this all the time, but it's never seen as weird or strange if you say, "Let's talk about what we're going to do for a minute." Lay out your expectations, desires, and limits, and ask about theirs. This should include your safer-sex limits. Discuss which safewords or signals you'll use. It's perfectly okay to say, "I've never done anything like this before, so please go slowly and check in with me often" (or the opposite: "I've never done anything like this before, so I'm going to go slowly and check in with you often").For sexual activities, it's a good idea to ask the person what activities are potentially on the menu and if there are any parts of their body that they don't want to have touched. The correct response to "I don't want your hands to go below my waist, thanks" is "Okay", not "Why?". Don't assume because things are getting steamy with someone that that's an unspoken invitation to go "all the way".Safer sex is considered very important in this community. People will expect you to have and communicate a clear policy on what your boundaries are (e.g. "barriers for any fluid contact besides kissing", or "barriers for intercourse, but not for oral sex"), so make sure to think about that and negotiate with your partner(s) in advance if needed. Obviously, the person with the strictest rules wins. People will expect you to meticulously respect their limits, and you can expect them to do the same for you without question; if they don't, bring it to the attention of the host(s).Some safer sex supplies may be provided by the host(s), but it's always best to bring some of your own just in case, particularly if you have certain needs or preferences (latex allergy, larger condoms, etc.).After an encounter, remember to rinse out your mouth (preferably with mouthwash; it's a good idea to pack a travel-size bottle in your party bag) and wash your hands thoroughly, with soap. Do this as soon as possible so you don't accidentally transmit fluids or skin particles (which can also carry STIs) to others. Particularly do this before you partake of any refreshments on offer!Generally, people in the sex/kink community are fairly educated about and aware of STIs. They typically get tested regularly (usually once or twice a year).If you're going to be doing something with someone that might expose you to an STI, particularly anything involving bodily fluids, it's perfectly okay to ask them when they were last tested and what the results were. Of course, you should also be prepared to also share this information yourself.If you have an STI, you should volunteer this information if you're about to do something that has some risk of transmission (e.g. "I have a cold sore right now, so no kissing, I'm afraid").If you learn someone has an STI, do your best to avoid over-reacting. Many people with STIs -- even fairly minor ones -- feel like "plague-carriers" and "unclean", which is obviously difficult emotionally and makes it harder for them to discuss the matter when needed. If you're not familiar with the STI they have, educate yourself on what the risks are and how it's transmitted (the internet is your friend!).All that said, it's still ultimately your responsibility to decide how much risk you are willing to take and which safer sex practices you require. People should disclose their status if they know it, but it's very possible that someone can be carrying an STI without knowing it -- for many STIs, reliable tests don't even exist. You should take some time to educate yourself thoroughly. Planned Parenthood has good information about STIs and safer sex (and is also a great place to get tested if you live in the US!).If two people have made the decision to have fully unprotected sex, this is often referred to as "fluid bonding" (and they are then described as "fluid bonded"). This usually happens in the context of a long-term relationship, typically after a round of STI testing and discussions with any other long-term sexual/romantic partners they may have.Many of the things that people do with and to each other at TKOP are intense and possibly physically, mentally, and/or emotionally taxing. Often, the person who was the "do-ee" in an interaction will need some care afterwards. They may be shaky and cold, disoriented, and/or feeling vulnerable or raw. Common things people often need are soft blankets (for both warmth and comfort), water, a quiet place to sit, and cuddles.If you are the "do-er" in an interaction, you should plan for aftercare -- leave enough time for it, scope out a place to take them before you start, or perhaps ask someone to be ready nearby so they can assist you by getting water or putting away your toys. Playing and running is frowned on.It's also possibly that the "do-er" will need some aftercare. The "do-ee"(s) are likely to be somewhat incapacitated, so the "do-er" will probably need to seek out others who weren't involved. If you know that you're likely to need this type of care after a scene, it helps to to arrange it in advance.It's a good idea to discuss aftercare in the pre-scene negotiation. This is especially important if you know that you tend to need a lot of aftercare or particular things.There is a strong emphasis on discretion in this community, because it's not unheard-of for people to have difficulties in their workplaces, or even lose custody of their children in divorce cases, because of being kinky. Often, there will be an explicit rule that what happens at the party stays at the party. However, it's generally accepted to talk (or post, or email) about your own experiences. If that includes others, you should use pseudonyms to refer to them. Many people have a "scene name" that they use for these purposes. If in doubt, ask beforehand ("I'd like to post to my blog about what we did tonight; is that okay? how should I refer to you?").While discretion is highly valued, that doesn't mean that you can trust everyone to absolutely adhere to it. Sadly, if it's really really important that no one know you like these things, it's probably best that you don't attend TKOPs, especially public ones.Along with this, taking photos is generally explicitly against the rules. Some parties will have a designated space where it's okay to take pictures, but in general, walking around with a camera will make people very nervous and you will likely be told to put it away or leave.That depends on the party. As I mentioned above, some parties are publicly advertised, so obviously these are not vetted. With most private parties, the host(s) have some knowledge of everyone who's there. However, that doesn't meant that there won't be someone there who makes you uncomfortable. Everyone has their own triggers, and no hosts are perfect. If you feel that someone has not respected your boundaries, speak to the host(s).Sometimes. Always ask the host(s) before mentioning the party to anyone else. Generally, host(s) prefer private parties to stay private -- they don't want a bunch of people knowing there's TKOP going on, particularly if they can't include everyone. This will often be stated explicitly in the invitation.This is a tricky situation. Always obey the host(s) while at a party and dispute things later. If you feel like you can't speak to the host themselves directly, talk to a co-host, or if there aren't any, a trusted mutual friend. Try to be calm and stay away from accusations or blame, while making your concerns clear. If you know of other party hosts in the area, they may also be a good resource for advice and mediation (often, the people who host parties in the same area know each other; it's not that big a community).There is always the option, of course, to simply not attend that person's parties. Sadly, this might be difficult if their parties are the biggest or the only show in town.Taking your dispute "public" -- to a journal post, discussion group, or a mailing list -- is unlikely to end well. The host in question usually reacts defensively, feeling publicly attacked, and the other people reading will often feel as if you are stirring up "drama".This is not uncommon, especially when people attend their first few parties. Retreat to the social space or, if that's not calm enough, ask the host(s) if there's a quiet space you can go to. They should be understanding.This will generally fall into one of two categories: activities that "squick" you and activities that raise concerns about boundaries or consent. If it's the former (for example, many people don't like watching any activities that draw blood), politely and quietly move to a different area. If it's the latter, talk to a host, and they will check it out.In general, yes. Make sure to stay back a polite distance. If you're unsure, quietly get the attention of one of the participants and ask -- but only if you can do so without interrupting the scene. If it's the kind of scene where there are "do-ers" and "do-ees" never talk to the "do-ees"; always ask the "do-ers". If you can't find a way to ask without disturbing things, and you feel like watching may not be welcome (e.g., they're in an area by themselves), err on the side of being respectful.Before their first party, the only experience some people have with alternative sexuality is through pornography/erotica. Porn is great, but it's also often very unrealistic and two-dimensional.The first thing to remember about real life is that the people you meet at TKOP are just that: people. They are not fantasy objects. Being fetishized is a particular issue for transgender people, dominant women, people of colour, and anyone else who is somehow unusual or in demand. It's okay to be interested in someone, of course, but try to show your interest in them as a whole person, rather than simply the fantasy they represent in your head (and, you know, try to *be* interested in them as a whole person, rather than simply the fantasy they represent in your head).The second thing is related to the first: people at TKOP generally like to get to know one another as people before they get to know one another as bodies. Don't be disappointed, surprised, or frustrated if many of the conversations you have and hear are about the same things you'd talk about at a non-TKOP. Take some time to get to know people and let them get to know you before you start bringing up the sexy stuff.Contrary to popular belief, gender is a not a strict binary system where everyone is either "male" or "female". There are a large number of possible gender identities: transgender, neuter, sissy boy, butch, genderqueer, and many others. The sex/kink scene is a place where many people feel comfortable expressing or experimenting with identities that they may not be comfortable presenting in their day-to-day lives, so you are likely to run into more gender variations at these parties than you may have encountered before.Be accepting of everyone's gender identity and presentation. This may be challenging if you are new to the idea of gender variation, but please do not make your discomfort someone else's problem.If you are uncertain about how someone is intending to present themselves, politely ask them which pronouns they prefer. They may request masculine or feminine pronouns, or they may ask for gender-neutral pronouns such as "zie/hir" (pronounced "zee" and "hear") or "they/them". Do your best to then use the correct pronouns, no matter how strange they may seem to you -- as with names, everyone has the right to be referred to in the way they wish.Don't assume you know how someone's body is shaped or what bits they have based on their outward presentation (and conversely, don't assume someone's gender based on what you've seen of their bits).Don't crowd a scene (scene = people doing nefarious things to each other). Allow people the physical space they need to do whatever they're doing without being distracted.Don't socialize in the play space. It might be okay to use the spanking bench as seating for a conversation as long as you volunteer politely and quickly if it looks like someone wants to play there, but in general, keep socializing to the social areas. It can also discourage people from playing if it seems like a play area has been taken over by socializing.Don't have loud conversations near a scene. Exceptions: if you're already having a loud conversation somewhere and someone starts playing near you, or if someone chooses to play in an area that is in or near social or quasi-social space.Don't play in the social space. Light activity is often okay in the social space (kissing, groping, some light play), but in general, take anything that would disturb the socializing to an area designated for play.Help keep the space tidy and clean. Hosts do a lot of work to set up and clean up these parties -- do your part by pitching in. If you're not sure if you should do something or if there's something that needs doing, ask a host. In particular, always clean and tidy the area or equipment after your scene -- change the sheets on the bed, wipe down the spanking bench, clear your toys away, and so on.Along those lines, often people bring large bags of clothing and/or toys to a party, which can quickly overwhelm hallways or play spaces. Ask the host where the best place is to keep your bag out of the way until you need it.If you're going to play on something that isn't easy to wipe down (for instance, fabric-covered furniture, mattresses, carpets), put a sheet or towel underneath you. Similarly, if you're not wearing underwear, put something underneath you before sitting on a piece of furniture.Don't monopolize the play spaces or equipment. A typical scene lasts around 30 to 45 minutes. If you're planning to do something longer, try to do it when the play equipment is in less demand -- usually at the very beginning of the party.