Chapter Text

Pearl has been spending a lot of time alone lately. Just thinking, mostly.

Out on the beach she thought about all the ways to deliver a message that did not require the use of speech. After several (dozen) failed attempts, it was finally time to give up on the idea of simply saying it.

It would be nice. If it could be that simple. But as it was, Pearl couldn't even run the words through her mind. Not even to get a feel for what they might sound like if she could say them.

'blank blank was blank blank.' Was about as close as she was able to get, which was quite frankly ridiculous. Pink Diamond had placed her hands over her mouth, not a limiter on her mind. And a little shudder went up her spine when she remembered that such things were possible, for the Gem that required a certain level of... discretion. But no. For this, she didn't have anyone to blame but herself.

She started playing with the sand because she liked how it felt. It gave her an idea.

Pearl controlled the sand with fluid movements of her hand. She was good at this. She used to do this for Rose. It made her laugh.

'That,' She told herself, 'Is very dangerous and not at all productive.'

Right, being productive. Figuring out the problem. That's what this was all about!

Rose was easy, Pearl made Rose figures in the sand all the time. But a representation of Pink that could be recognized as such proved... slightly outside of Pearl's talents. There was only so much she could do with this medium.

But there were others! Invigorated with fresh inspiration, she dashed back to Steven's room. He wasn't there - it occurred to Pearl that she rarely knew where he was or when he planned on coming home anymore, and thought that perhaps she should learn to use her cellular phone to 'check-in' with him. But that would have to wait for another day.

She hummed a song she knew by roughly the same name as she gathered her supplies. It helped her feel less nervous. But she didn't need to be nervous! She was so close back there with the sand. She was going to get it this time.

She promptly broke half of Steven's crayons trying to write the message out with words, and broke the other half trying to draw a rough depiction. The only thing she had to show for it was an entire sheet of paper colored in soft pink, which even she had to admit didn't communicate anything about anything other than her own mental state.

For a half a second, she questioned whether or not she was okay.

Pearl shook her head like she could dislodge the thought. There were still other ways! Like... music! She could say so many things with song that she couldn't normally.

And she spent most of the rest of the day at the Cloud Arena practicing, but even her best rendition after hours was so vague as to be meaningless. If Pearl ever strayed too close to a detail, the gag order had no problem asserting itself here, either.

That wouldn't do any good. She couldn't leave it up to the others to just guess what her secret was, because she was quite confident that no one would ever be able to guess this. Not even with all the time in the world. It had to be explicit. If only she could just say it!

After that Pearl truly had no idea what to do next. So she went to the Palanquin. Even though she knew it was probably a bad idea. Even though she wanted to turn around. Wanted to turn around right up until she got there.



Well... it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. It was actually beautiful, although that shouldn't have been surprising. There were so many flowers. She picked one of them and held it, smiled at it fondly like the face of an old friend. Sat on the steps of the Palanquin she had once known so well, and hadn't seen for so very long.

"He needs to know," She said out loud, to no one. Thought about Steven turning himself over to Homeworld gems, thought of him in front of the Diamonds, for Stars' sake, it was only a matter of time until something like that happened again! "They all deserve to know." Garnet and Amethyst, her friends who on some level knew that Rose Quartz was not what they thought she was, but no idea how.

She looked down at her pink flower and added in the smallest voice, "And I want to tell them."

There was silence but for the wind in the leaves. Pearl had to laugh at herself then. Just a little. Asking for permission from someone who wasn't here to give it.

She tucked the flower behind her ear. It felt familiar.

Her hands twisted together with lack of anything to occupy them. They had been doing that more often lately. She couldn't help it. She ran her hands through her hair and down her face and sat with them covering her mouth for some time before she even realized it.

But when she did, she got her best idea yet.

"And so then I was like... Oh hey, Pearl, come listen to - whoa."

Amethyst was shocked to silence when Pearl came up and pulled a pair of steel handcuffs from her gem without preamble. She and Garnet both watched in silence while she restrained herself behind her back. She tugged on them, hard, to test if she would be able to break them. She didn't think so.



It was now or never.

Rose Quartz was Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was Pink Diamond. Rose Quartz was Pink Diamond.



"So, uh... watcha doing there, P?"

"I need to tell you something," All the urgency in the world in her voice.

Rose Quartz was Pink Diamond!

She pulled in air heavily, each breath rattling her chest and looking like it might burst. Her jaw was tight.

Amethyst shifted closer to Garnet. Looked at her like she was hoping she was planning on doing something here, or at least explaining what was going on. "Well, we're listening."

She was pulling on the handcuffs. The metal was screeching against itself. It looked like she was trying very, very hard to open her mouth, but couldn't. Her eyes were screwed shut.

Amethyst leaned in very close and whispered to Garnet, "Do you think... is she biting her tongue?"

Garnet took on the stance she adopted when she was being the Leader of the Crystal Gems. "Pearl, you don't have to do this to yourself."

Pearl spoke through gritted teeth, and it was plainly apparent that she had, in fact, been biting her tongue. That was blood on her teeth, and splatting onto her lips when she choked out, "No!"

Amethyst really didn't know what that meant, but she didn't get a chance to ask. Because right then, Pearl took a massive breath of air, and for a second it looked like she might actually tell them.

But she didn't. Oh Stars, she didn't.

"OH FUCK!"

The handcuffs went with a short squeal of metal and then there was nothing stopping her hands from clapping over her mouth and staying there.

And then she started crying.

Garnet took over then, took Pearl into her arms and Amethyst was immensely grateful for it. She was pretty sure she was too shocked to actually move. What the fuck had that been?!

There were bruises on her wrists, dark ugly ones that stood out after Garnet got the broken halves off her. Little drops of blood spilled between her fingers and for whatever reason, her hands didn't look like they were going anywhere for a long time.

Literally all of them had seen Pearl in the throes of some complete and utter breakdown at various points, but this was something Amethyst had no idea what to make of. She knew what Pearl was like when she was upset. When she was just being Pearl. About Rose or the war, or her paranoias over Steven or her vague past that she refused to ever talk about. This was... something else.

She almost followed them to the Temple.

Almost.

Garnet would handle it.

She wished Steven was around. Ended up just sitting around and waiting until he showed up, which wasn't until after dark.

"Hey Amethyst," He was packing up snacks and didn't even offer her any. "Do you know who broke all my crayons?"

Amethyst eyed the Temple door. "No clue."

"It's a mystery, then! I'll get to the bottom of it after I get back from the moon with Lion."

Wow. Steven was getting to be really cool. Not like the way he's always been cool, but like... cool. Normally she would be more impressed, but right now she just wasn't in the mood. "Alright. See you later."

"Tell Garnet and Pearl and Dad I said 'bye'!"

It was the middle of the night before Garnet stepped out. Alone.

"She said it wasn't supposed to go that far." It was all she had to say. She didn't know what was going on with her, either.

"So... are we gonna talk about this?"

"Not right now, Amethyst."

And Garnet walked off without further discussion, undoubtedly needing some time alone with herself.

Amethyst wasn't happy with that. When Pearl went to her room when she was upset, she didn't come out for days. At least.

She remembered the dangers of poking at Pearl when she got into one of her moods. Hell, she did it on purpose a few times those horrible months after Rose died and... she wasn't proud of that. And maybe Pearl didn't want to see her. But she clearly wasn't okay and....

She pulled herself together and went to the Temple. If Pearl didn't want to talk about, at least maybe she could get her to leave her room.