One terrifically huge haul of cow shit assembled!

Town officials have gathered this last Tuesday to announce to a more-than-jubilant populace that our town of Towneston has officially amassed the largest collection in a single setting of fecal matter to be used for argiculture purposes.

“If that ain’t the gosh darn biggest stack of poop that I ever saw,” remarked one impressed miner, “Then sure as the day is long I ain’t never seen a heap of fertilizer.”

The overly-fertile stock pile has been mostly the effort of Dick Doorman’s brown bovine affectionately named “Daisy”.

“I mean, I love that cow like I love my dead wife, but she ain’t deserving of all the reward, Thompson’s stag mule added plenty of its own dung to the pile,” Doorman was quoted as saying during the evening’s jubilant celebrations in response to the declaration.

And in these parts word travels fast; Chicago has already wired in the hopes of brokering a deal with Towneston in the hope that they can acquire the night soil load for their upcoming World’s Exposition. To this and other Eastern demands the citizens have been acutely resolute in their almost-unanimous rejection.

“This is our crap deposit,” the Mayor John Johnson told this reporter, “and as such it stands as something of a symbol of this communities future growth and prosperity.”

“Those Eastern hoopleheads can go find their own damn stool stock,” town drunk Bogerty screamed as he uncorked his sixth bottle of whisky, most likely a gesture of celebration warranted by the occasion.

“I think it’s safe to say,” Johnson added, “That this prolific shit mass is going to bring quite a bit of fame to this former small town throughout the territory.

At the time of this article’s printing word had filtered in through the telegraph that rival Citiesburg was attempting its own award-winning excrement gob.

[a reprinting from The Townston Gazette, Aug. 20th, 1888]