It’s been a wild semester on campus. One fiery protest, countless nervous emails from our administration, an alleged $175 million discovered in Janet “Don’t Read My Wikipedia Page” Napolitano’s doomsday bunker and threats to free speech — which is still alive but barely breathing at the birthplace of the Free Speech Movement. And so we are left wondering: Whom do we have to thank for saving free speech at UC Berkeley?

The clear frontrunners are the two darlings of the Berkeley College Republicans: Ann “Laughed When Dobby Died” Coulter and Milo “OK, You Got Me, I’m Racist” Yiannopoulos. Before we decide which patriot to rename the Free Speech Movement Café after, however, we’d like to consider the following important questions:

Who made it closer to the podium? — YIANNOPOULOS

Everyone knows that the best way to make a speech is to get on a podium — just ask Mario “Rolling in His Grave” Savio. While neither Coulter nor Yiannopoulos quite made it there, the humanities majors on the Editorial Board believe it’s the thought that counts. (The two science majors wholeheartedly disagree.) Coulter made it all the way to hell — only 40.8 miles away from Berkeley. Yiannopoulos did one better, getting as close as 35 feet to the podium before remembering he had left his speech notes at home. We get it, Milo, public speaking is hard. Even though neither of them made it, however, the outrage they generated cemented their omnipresence in our campus discourse.

Who gave us a more personal look at Nicholas “I Don’t Even Have the Unibrow Anymore” Dirks’ values and principles? — TIE

The Daily Californian was as heartbroken as anyone to learn in the fall semester that Nicholas Dirks, who would have gotten away with misusing public funds if it weren’t for you meddling kids, would soon depart. Given the limited amount of time we have left together, we had been hoping that a more vulnerable side of Dirks would emerge. Coulter and Yiannopoulos came to the rescue, leading to a flurry of heart-wrought emails in every student’s inbox and a more thorough understanding of Dirks. We are thankful to both Coulter and Yiannopoulos for gifting us this one last look at the man, the meme, the legend.

Who best exposed The Daily Californian as fake news? — COULTER

While both candidates share a hatred for the Daily Cal that runs as deep as the South, Coulter sealed the deal when she declared our newspaper “FAKE NEWS!” on Twitter. Sure, this was an uneven battlefield, but that was Yiannopoulos’ own undoing, after he was permanently banned from the site last year. Though the former Breitbart technology editor did take to Facebook to criticize several Daily Cal op-eds, his posts lacked the nuance and precise commentary of Coulter’s. We often find ourselves asking: Who will watch the watchdog? We now have our answer: Ann Coulter.

Who got more celebrity support? — TIE

Both Team Coulter and Team Yiannopoulos have a lineup sprinkled with big-time celebrity heavy hitters, but who has the more impressive roster? Coulter assembled a fearsome bunch, including big names like Bill “I Got Protested First” Maher, Richard “Punch Me, I’m Not a Nazi” Spencer and Naweed “I Made It on (Insert News Outlet Here)” Tahmas of BCR fame. Coulter’s talk also earned the approval of progressive mascot Bernie “Remember Me by the Bird, Not This” Sanders. Points for reaching across the political aisle. Yiannopoulos did manage to earn a Twitter nod from Donald Trump — “NO FEDERAL FUNDS?” — as well as from Maher and Spencer. Most importantly, though, BCR’s Pieter “My Father Will Hear About This” Sittler threw himself on the line for Yiannopoulos with his ringing endorsement, something along the lines of: “Other campuses are doing this, so we did it, too.”

All factors considered, the Editorial Board came to the conclusion that the true champion of the land, the defender of free speech at UC Berkeley, is late-stage capitalism. The capitalist political and economic structure provided the necessary foundations for Trump to be elected president, which, in turn, emboldened individuals such as Milo “Looking for Work” Yiannopoulos and Ann “I’m Not as Bad as Milo” Coulter to creep out of Mordor.

With this in mind, we propose that FSM be turned into a Taco Bell as a symbol of late-stage capitalism in Berkeley — and because Taco Bell gave the maximum donation to Trump’s presidential campaign back in August.

What do you think, did our Editorial Board get it right? Comment below to let us know!

Editorials represent the majority opinion of the Editorial Board as written by the opinion editor.

Correction(s):

A previous version of this article misspelled Naweed Tahmas’ name.