COMMUTERS using Southern Rail will need an advanced degree in modern poetry to know when their train is due.

After months of staff disputes over acceptable levels of contempt for passengers, the new timetable was self-published in a slim volume called Intimations of Movement.

A spokesman said: “The East Croydon to London Bridge service, like a hessian crow, eyes the world with a jaded eye, except for weekends and Bank Holidays.

“But hist! A droplet of ochre rain lies on the ground, cursing heaven as it shivers, and all men must find alternative routes until further notice. Possit mutara tempore.”

The Times Literary Supplement called Southern Rail’s new work, ‘a bold and challenging rejection of traditional commuting tropes and the most exciting writing in public transport since TS Eliot’s 1934 Carlisle to Brampton Bus Timetable‘.

The work has already been adapted for the stage, with Patrick Stewart set to do a reading of the Brighton to Victoria line at the Albert Hall, accompanied by Brian Eno. Tickets have already sold out to passengers keen to know how they are meant to get home.

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