FORT MYER, VA—Calling the war in Afghanistan the nation’s highest priority until he decides at some point that it is actually trade with China or illegal border crossings, President Trump declared in a televised address Monday that the U.S. was committed to fighting insurgents in the region until an unconditional victory was secured, or until he changed his mind, got distracted by something else, thought the war was reflecting poorly on him, or got bored with the whole thing. “Let me be perfectly clear: America will not rest until our enemies have been defeated and the Afghan people are free, unless I start to get frustrated by all this, come across some other thing that seems like a bigger deal, or see a segment on TV that says we should do something else,” said the president, who called for the deployment of thousands more troops to pursue the Taliban until they were completely eradicated or until he lost interest in the situation. “Anyone who stands in the way of freedom shall know that the United States will never surrender and will never back down in the face of evil, except maybe after a couple of months pass and I just don’t want to deal with it any longer or some completely unrelated idea crosses my mind and I start running with that instead. Nothing, aside from maybe a personal feud with a media personality that occupies all my time and energy, will defeat our resolve.” A solemn Trump went on to assure viewers that sending America’s sons and daughters to the front lines of a deadly overseas conflict was the hardest thing a president had to do after having to memorize a lot of things and sometimes sit through hours of briefings without eating.

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