The Tal’Dorei Times‘ staff would like to assure you that this week’s Dear Vox Machina holds up to the standard of excellence you’ve come to expect from our publication. This issue, our guest advice columnist is none other than Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III of the newly reinstated royal family of Whitestone. Surely nothing could go wrong.

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Dear Percy,

I’ve been keeping a secret from my family for a long time. All my life, they’ve wanted me to take up the family trade in goldsmithing. I’m terrible at it, and just don’t enjoy it. Since I was small, I’ve felt something…darker inside me. I would do these experiments that I know they’d never approve of. They’d probably disown me if they found out. I don’t want to lose my family. Please, tell me, how do I come out to my family about being a necromancer?

~ Not So Normal in Nethradril

Dear NSNN, We are each called upon to walk down our own path. And while family is perhaps the most important aspect of our lives, you will serve your family better as brilliant necromancer than as an adequate goldsmith. Hopefully, your parents were wise enough to have a few children so that it’s not all on you, and perhaps with some thought on your part, you can make a case for how goldsmithing and necromancy could work hand in hand. Help expand the family trade into new ventures! And if they still don’t approve, well… many of the best familial relationships are founded upon a bedrock of necessary half truths and secrets.

Dear Mister de Rollo,

I was on a dungeon crawl the other day and the matter of splitting loot came up. The magic user clearly wanted the phylactery we found, but well, we’re not on good terms right now so I took it out of spite to sell for gold. But now I feel a little guilty. I’m thinking I should return it to repair our friendship, but at the same time, I don’t want to seem weak. Do I keep it or give it to them? And if I give it them and they become a Lich, does that make ME look bad? Thank you.

~ Witches Love Phylacteries

Alright WLP, there’s a lot to unpack. First of all, spite is a base and petty indulgence, and a terrible waste of energy. Secondly, power is always more valuable than gold, otherwise people wouldn’t pay so much for it. Don’t trade away an object of such potential for a handful of coins! Finally, only the weak fear being perceived as weak. Give your friend the phylactery with graciousness and reap the rewards of being in the company of strong allies. And in the unlikely event that your friend becomes a Lich…

You’re clever. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Dear Percy,

I have this strange growth on my bum. At first I thought it was just a mole, but when I showed it to my healer, he dropped to his knees and started crying. He called in members of his congregation, and they all started kowtowing to my rear! The healer says my mole looks just like the symbol of Pelor. I don’t even worship Pelor! Now people follow me around, asking for a peek at my bottom and it’s making me very uncomfortable. What do I do?

~ Bummed Out

Well BO, I’m sure you’ve already thought about all the benefits that come from being an object of worship for a religious organization, and for whatever reason you’ve decided that it’s not for you. The answer is therefore painfully simple: Find a local tanner, have the mole carefully flayed from your buttocks, and then tastefully framed and mounted to be rented at a very fair price to the local temple of Pelor. That way the true believers get to gaze in wonderment, and your hindquarters remain modest. And while it may hurt to sit for a bit, the very reasonable monthly compensation will far outlast the pain.

What questions would you like to ask Percy? Share them in the comments!



Image Credits: Jessica Taylor, shalizeh7