(Hillary Clinton has shed her human skin and announced to America that she is a Reptilian from the Alpha Draconis star system)

by Mike Binns

On a recent campaign stop in Charlotte, North Carolina, Hillary Clinton prefaced a speech in front of thousands of supporters by ripping off a bio-synthetic human mask and revealing her true Reptilian identity. In between sips of human blood from a metallic chalice, Mrs. Clinton outlined her bold new vision for America and the world.

The crowd was delighted by a surprisingly upbeat speech that touched on topics ranging from interdimensional wars of conquest to the extinction of all life that is native to our planet. Flanked by two snake-like creatures wearing pharaoh headgear, Hillary explained in gory detail what a second Clinton White House will look like.

Talking tough on taxes, Clinton assured the audience that the wealthiest earners in America will be forced to pay their fair share. Hillary’s economic agenda begins with many in the top 1% being dragged from their homes in the middle of the night and their bodies being divided evenly among a group of carnivorous creatures that will be arriving in our solar system by mid-2017. Clinton also laid out a strategy to end all armed conflicts in the Middle East by deploying a massive mind control satellite that is currently hovering around the star Thuban, 310 light years from Earth.

In a rare show of political bipartisanship, Hillary insisted that regardless of party affiliation, nobody will be spared from the wrath of the coming Reptilian regime. Clinton promoted her plan to create millions of shovel-ready jobs with the construction of human butchering facilities in some of America’s poorest urban areas. Heading off any conservative criticism that Clinton is constitutionally ineligible to be President because she was not born in the country, Press Secretary Brian Fallon explained that Mrs. Clinton assumed her human form somewhere in the desert of the Southwest United States around 2,500 years ago, and the Justices can interpret Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 of the US Constitution any which way they’d like from the burning pile of ambers that will be the Supreme Court Building. Clinton even joked about taking questions from reporters as she held a member of the Associated Press over her head and ripped the screaming young man apart with her bare hands, letting his entrails stream down her scaly face.

The Democratic nominee went shy of criticizing Republican opponent Donald Trump directly, instead she shrieked with delight as she displayed a large, glowing orb that contained Mr. Trump’s struggling family.

Jubilant supporter Nancy Shine told We Make the Funny, “Hillary’s dishonesty about the events in Benghazi and her mishandling of classified information over email used to upset me, but now that I know her whole existence was a lie, I feel more comfortable with her. I look for consistency in my politicians.”

—

Follow Michael Binns on Twitter: @MTBinns