Thanks to a string of C-list celebrities and low-budget websites, the idea of a home sex tape is now more reasonable than ever. Who would turn down a chance to hump on camera? Not me. Not you. Not anyone. But let this be a warning to you: Some things do not belong on camera.

So you just watched Chyna's muscular, pocky heiny get befouled by a greasy little man, and you're pretty confident that you could wrangle up an inebriated girl with five kids and low self-esteem who might want to make a movie too. That's awesome. I've pondered it too but any time I bring the idea up it's generally met with revulsion. Apparently Internet comedy CHUDs just aren't made for film. But the idea is still a good one, right?

6 You are No Porn Star

For some reason real porn makes us want to make amateur porn. But look at amateur porn. Look at Screech for God's sake. Like a malnourished, shaven orangutan, he brings nothing to the table. In real porn, actors and actresses are chosen from the finest broken homes in the Midwest and given top of the line plastic surgery and full body make up. Have you ever heard of asshole bleaching? Porn stars do that. A porn star is so dedicated to their job that, when given some constructive criticism on set like, "Hey, Starla, I noticed your anus is looking a bit on the dingy side, maybe look into that?" they make a mental note to visit the ass bleaching salon later in the day and have a stranger apply some manner of pigment-reducing spackle to their crapper. Right on the hole.

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While their asses look like sparkling puckers of sanitation and delight, fashioned from the finest alabaster and stank, mine looks like the Sarlacc that ate Boba Fett. It has no business on camera and chances are yours will be just as atrocious. You could always bend over in front of a mirror and try to gauge where yours stands, but you'll probably need at least one other present for a comparison. In the end you'll probably just depress yourself.

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Other areas you may want to reconsider showing on camera include the underside of your sack, the front of your sack, any parts of you covered in hair and the back of your head if you have one of those weird skin folds. You know those things? It's like a dinner roll of head flesh. Just off putting, that is.