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Of course. Why didn't I think of it? We have ministers for women, why don't we have a Minister for Men? Especially at a federal level. For that matter, I might just have a go at it myself. And if I were the Minister for Men, there are some clear areas where I could make a difference. Blokes wouldn't have to shoulder the responsibility for occupying 90 per cent of all the board seats in the top 200 companies listed on the Australian Stock Exchange. That's far too much of a burden for any one group. I'd slash wages for men, so they wouldn't have to be paid more to do the same work as women any longer. Why advocate for a pay cut? Because the gender pay gap is a trick to restrict mens' roles. When you get paid more to do the same work as someone else, it leads to all sorts of expectations. It leads to the expectation that men will never want to stay home with their kids - or work part-time - or take time off to care for their elderly parents. We know that's just not true any more; and we can't pigeonhole men any longer. They're men, not pigeons*, and they have a right to live their lives as God intended. Men are naturally hunters and gatherers but hunting opportunities don't seem to be available any more, unless you are a member of the Game Council of New South Wales. Women have taken over so many of the gathering roles, to the detriment of men. It is time we allowed men to take over the shopping roles. Time for men to be allowed to bring home the bread, not just win it. Time for men to cook meals for the family, hunt down clothing creases with an iron, and gather the laundry off the Hills Hoist. Also, men need to stop being forced to be politicians, the most pilloried occupation in the nation. It's time we allowed them to pursue roles where they could earn real respect and status, as primary school teachers and nurses. Men, stay away from the shallow glories of law and politics. Those roles are demanding and best left to women, who have become naturally adept at multitasking, thanks to years of evolution. As Minister for Men, I'll be campaigning strongly on sexual relations. Condoms must only be available on prescription - and only after the doctor has a serious discussion with you about why you need so many, then follows that up with questions about when was the last time you had a break from using a condom. Men will also have to have conversations with their pharmacists about whether they really understand how to use them. Naturally, pharmacists will be able to refuse to dispense them for reasons of personal ethics. This will improve men's health, and it will stop them being pressured into casual sex by wanton women who care nothing for the psychological well-being of the young men they prey upon. Even more importantly, it will stop the growing number of single fathers in Australia. The soaring rate of single fatherhood in this country is a threat to the very fabric of our society. Once ease of access to condoms is curtailed, the rate of young men having unwanted pregnancies will plummet. And nothing will keep men safer than my proposed new legislation to shepherd young men into cloaks. No more bum cracks. No more underwear waistbands exposed for all to see. And as for singlets, I propose to implement a Lasciviousness Tax on these brief items of clothing. This should deter young men, the most likely victims of the predatory cougar, from purchasing these vagina-teasing items. I would implore all young men to cover up before it's too late. Women just can't control themselves. Men need to change their behaviour if they are to prevent themselves from becoming victims. Don't go out late at night. Always travel in a group. Don't drink alcohol when you are around women. And again, be very careful with your choice of clothing. Even board shorts are risky. Women are strong and powerful and before you have a chance to say no, you'll find yourself minus your singlet and boardshorts and with a baby on the way. Not a good look for a primary school teacher or nurse - fatherhood can mean the end of your career, as you know. So, this is how I would be if I were male and channelling Heidi Victoria, the women who is the new Minister for Women in the Victorian state government. You'd think with a name like that she'd be born for the job, but yesterday she was reported as saying it would be naive to think equal gender representation could be achieved in parliament, because women are generally ''nurturers'' and politics is demanding. In an interview with Fairfax Media's Farrah Tomazin on Sunday, Victoria said achieving gender equality was probably unrealistic because ''by our nature, obviously women are the nurturers in more circumstances than not, so for us to say that there's going to be equality in parliament is perhaps naive. Not every woman wants to be in that situation.'' She went on to say: ''Had I been a single mum when preselection came up, I probably wouldn't have run … It's very difficult to juggle that.'' Think I might have a go at being the Minister for Men. I couldn't do any worse than that. *with special thanks to Jill Tomlinson, who really thinks men are not pigeons.

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