After weeks of working in secret, Senate Republicans finally unveiled their Punch Every American in the Stomach bill, legislation that will result in every American being punched in the stomach. Here are the details:

• Every American will be punched in the stomach.

• It will be a hard punch.

• The punch will happen when you least expect it.

• Two for flinching.

• Seniors get punched three times.

• Americans whose income is below two hundred per cent of the federal poverty level get punched five times.

• Members of Congress and their families and staff are exempt from being punched in the stomach.

• Only U.S. citizens are eligible to be punched in the stomach. If it is discovered that a non-citizen has illegally taken advantage of stomach-punching services, he will be punched in the stomach.

• It is estimated that it will take ten years and cost nearly nine hundred billion dollars to punch every American in the stomach.

• The stomach punching will be funded by massive cuts to Medicaid and Social Security.

• The stomach punching will be carried out by private contractors, who will work with no oversight.

• The bill does not provide funding to keep track of who has already been punched in the stomach. However, once you have been punched in the stomach, you can simply give your Stomach Puncher your address and Social Security number, pay a modest convenience fee, and, in three to four weeks, you will receive a notarized letter certifying that you have already been punched in the stomach. Be sure to keep this letter on you at all times if you wish to avoid additional punchings. That said, because the bill states that you will be punched in the stomach when you least expect it, you may not be able to produce your letter in time to avoid being punched in the stomach again.

• Americans who die after the bill has been passed but before being punched in the stomach will be dug up and punched in the stomach.

• States that wish to provide services beyond stomach punching can opt to receive funds for noogies, wedgies, and wet willies.

• Senate Republicans have described this bill as a vast improvement over the version passed several weeks ago by the House of Representatives, which only required ninety per cent of Americans to be punched in the stomach.

• In an attempt to win support from Democrats, the bill stipulates that the President will be punched in the stomach, too. One top Democrat, who asked to be quoted anonymously, said of this provision, “Oooooh, that’s almost worth it.”

• Getting punched in the stomach replaces everyone’s health insurance.

• Americans in the top income brackets will be punched in the stomach, but they will also receive a massive tax cut.