First a disclaimer. I am a bike snob, no two-ways about it. I don’t buy kit from Aldi, I don’t shop at Wiggle or Evans nor ride their events. I wouldn’t ride a Planet X, Ribble, Specialized, Trek or Canyon. I wouldn’t wear Shimano shoes, or Oakley glasses. I wouldn’t wear DHB or Altura, I only have Shimano on one of my bikes and that’s only because it was in my parts bin and was better served on my turbo bike. I won’t go near Sram, Bontrager or Zipp. See? Bike snob. There is nothing necessarily wrong with any of the above; they are just for one reason or another, not for me. (Hell, most of our bikes were probably made in the same factory, regardless of name on the downtube.)

The most important thing about all that though, is that I don’t care if you do. I don’t care if you like/buy/ride or wear these things. (Although I would much rather people shopped at their LBS and rode small events.) If you want my opinion on what you ride or wear, I will wait for you to ask for it and give it to you straight. If I even have an opinion that is. (I will).

It’s ok to be a bike snob, it really is. In many ways we all are. It’s also ok to be the inverse bike snob, where you simply won’t touch Rapha, Colnago, Sidi, Parlee, Poc etc and are quite happy rolling around on your Halfords special clad head to toe in Lidl gear. Really, it’s fine. Buy and use what you like and what works for you. Ride your bike how you want. Fast, slow. Stealth or bling. Thrift store or boutique. Whatever. The problem comes when those likes and dislikes go from being implicit to explicit.

Ask yourself a question: Why do you really care what other people ride or wear? What direct impact does that have on you? Just before Christmas I was riding the very well organised and enjoyable Cumbrian Cracker sportive. Toward the end I was in a small group on the final climb, we passed a rather large guy grinding his way up in a TdF King Of the Mountains jersey and somebody in the group (I have no idea who) remarked how he shouldn’t be wearing it if he climbed that badly.

Firstly, how do you know that guy isn’t wearing that jersey ironically? Which is ace if he was. Secondly, why did it even merit a comment? Especially one so derisory? How did that guy’s polka dot jersey impact your life exactly? I wanted that guy to suddenly rise up out of his saddle and drop us all, he didn’t but it would have been nice. I also then instantly wanted to distance myself from the group who seemed to all be together, so I did as I didn’t want to be considered a part of that. I received no comments as I disappeared over the top, none that were in earshot anyway. I hope KOM guy wasn’t put off riding by that and just shook it off, the fact is, if the group I was with had been any good, we’d have passed him far earlier than we did.

There was also the curious case of the Virgin Cyclone where a guy at the start on a Ridley Noah Fast was told, in all seriousness, that he shouldn’t have bought it as he probably couldn’t do it justice. Really?

Unfortunately, douchebaggery is rife and cycling doesn’t escape it. In fact amongst some clubs and groups it’s seemingly encouraged. Everyone is a critic and everyone is a DS. There are far too many people sneering at other’s bikes and kit whilst circle-jerking with their mates shouting “Rule 5!” at each other and telling people to slam their stems at the sign-up. Ladies and gentlemen, these people are wankers. Especially the rule shouters.

Now I don’t hold the Velominati to account, Frank, Gianni and most of that community are good funny guys and they write very well, I’m a visitor and member of that site myself and enjoy it. The rules are funny, but that’s what they are, a bit of fun. They’re not meant to be taken literally and screamed every five minutes. I have come to refer to those that do as the RVF. The Radical Velominati Fundamentalists.

The Velominazi, Stravarseholes, pretty much every other commentator on road.cc (Who seem to hate EVERYONE that wears premium clothing and anyone who rides a bike costing more than £2k) et al need to take a long hard look at why they’re more concerned about what other people are doing rather than themselves. I give no fucks what you’re wearing or riding, I might not want to ride or wear it myself but I feel no compulsion to tell you so. Unless of course you ask.

I revere and desire nice things; bikes, kit, clothing etc. I am, as I’ve stated, a bike snob. However on a few of my bikes, my bar tape doesn’t match my saddle, there may well be a spacer under one of my stems and I’ve also been known to ride around on a bike that cost more than some cars I’ve owned, all whilst wearing a Bretagne-Seche-Environment jersey.

Expect to be told to fuck right off if you tell me I can’t do any of that.