TW: Cissexism, being a young trans girl, body dysphoria

[accessibility: it is dark, probably in a cave. there are two girls, one much younger than other, sitting side by side. the older one, in a green dress, is hiding in fear. weak and hurt very badly. the younger one, in a pink dress, holds up a magic wand. the magic wand is protecting them from a very intense fire trying to burn them alive. it is a struggle. they are surviving]

There is this thing that cis people, particularly queer cis women, insist they know about my life as a trans woman: that before I transitioned, I had male privilege. That the male privilege I acquired during puberty and used all the way up to the beginning of transition as an adult informs and invalidates my “understanding” of what it means to be a “real” girl and subsequently, a “real” woman.

The problem here lies in one very flawed cissexist assumption: that a girl designated male at birth (a transgender girl) experiences puberty just like a boy designated male at birth (a cisgender boy). It is also implies that trans girls, and subsequently trans women, experience their bodies in the same way that cisgender boys and men do — which we already know is not true. This type of logic is biological determination at its best, and transmisogyny at its worst.

So I implore you, gentle readers, especially cis women, to consider the following. Consider what it would be like if you were born into a different body than your own. A body that did not “match” the gender you know you are. Consider what that would be like, then travel back in time with me - to puberty.

What would it be like for a girl at 14 years old to have no control over their body? We all went through that, yes? Take it in a different direction. What if you, a girl, were in a body that suddenly got big, hairy and overwhelmingly tall overnight. A body that wasn’t developing breasts and hips like the rest of the girls your age. What if your face, your shoulders, your legs - your whole body - what if it kept getting more and more masculine. To the point that you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. You start disassociating from your body because it hurts so much to be in it. You can’t even imagine surviving past the age of 25 because you’d rather be dead than live a life in a body poisoned by testosterone.

Consider this as well - being in a body that can’t make babies. Can’t have friendships with other girls because they see you as a predator. Can’t wear the clothes you want. Can’t a whole lot of things that only are given to girls and women with cis privilege. Being called a faggot. Being outted as gay by your mother to your entire family, and not gay as a lesbian, but gay as in liking boys. Being given gifts by your family that were made specifically for men, repeatedly, every year. Being told how handsome you are. Being forced to live your entire life — of which only happens once, in this particular form in this particular time period — in a certain way, under a very firm set of rules, because of the gender assignment not consensually given to you at birth.

Think about all of that. This is what it’s like to be a trans girl growing up. It is a very lonely, isolating experience. And it is not a privilege.

So, cis women, the next time you insist on asking me what I miss about male privilege, remember everything I’ve written here. Remember a little girl that was robbed of an estrogen based puberty because of a cissexist society that told her she was crazy, mentally ill, sick, and perverted. Remember a little girl crying herself to sleep wishing the changes would stop. Remember a little girl praying to God every night that she would wake up the next morning in a different body. Remember me. I was that girl.

Remember.

[accessibility: we pull back from the two girls in the painting above. we can now see a gigantic three headed dragon breathing the very intense fire at them. the girls are fighting back. the battle rages on. we are still here.]