CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has today vowed to attend the two very important calender events scheduled in his diary this weekend, despite coming in direct contact with a Coronavirus sufferer in the last few days.

Yesterday, the Prime Minister said the Government would be recommending all non-essential gatherings of more than 500 people should be cancelled, starting Monday.

The “not immediately” approach to containing the rapidly spreading outbreak is believed to be related to the fact that the Prime Minister would like to be photographed at a rugby league match this weekend.

Also, the dodgy pedophile protecting church with the electric guitars is apparently having a big tax-free fundraising bash tonight.

Morrison fronted the media this morning dressed head-to-toe in hazmat PPE, not out of fear of spreading COVID-19, but because he thinks he might have survived the most recent bout in Parliament House – and doesn’t want any of the thousands of rugby league fans he is encouraging to go to ANZ stadium tonight to touch him.

This follows the news that Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has tested positive to coronavirus after waking up with a temperature and sore throat

He will remain in hospital where he will be treated for the virus

The Prime Minister and Cabinet ministers will not go into self-isolation, despite having direct contact with Dutton on Thursday, because that would appear weak.

Speaking to the press this morning, Morrison was barely audible through his dense hazmat suit, but insisted that everything was all good and we should only treat this pandemic as an issue come Monday when all of his events are ticked off.

“We are all good to go” said Morrison.

“I’m ready. Go sharkies haha. I love Benny Barba”

He’s also asked the nation to pray for him because he hasn’t had a holiday in 4 months and this job is much harder than he anticipated it to be when conspired with Dutton to steal it off the climate change guy.

MORE TO COME.