It is quite possibly the most valuable and challenging skill that I teach. I found myself doing this naturally a few years ago. My subconscious had learned how to get someone chasing me through the course of a conversation. This skill is subtle, but I guarantee you, it is powerful.

Baiting can be defined best by an example. Take a close look at the following dialogue and see if you can understand where I am baiting this woman.

ME: (touching her sweater) mmm…cashmere… I love a warm sweater. Growing up in the mountains, I always had such warm clothes for the wintertime. Whenever I wear one now, it reminds me of my youth.

HER: The mountains? Where did you grow up?

ME: Oh, the mountains of North Carolina. I lived there through high school. Growing up in a small town, and particularly when you mother has a central position in the community, you learn a lot about everything – government, the arts, personalities, scandal, commerce you name it. Small town life makes people very well-rounded.

HER: What did your mother do?

ME: She published the local newspaper. So, we learned about everything first, then communicated it to the community in print. We had some wild experiences in that place! Obviously, though, I left, and ended up focusing on a career in school which helped me get to where I am today.

HER: Where did you go to school? What are you doing now?

OK, so I could go on forever with this scenario. But can you see what is going on here? Baiting is when you demonstrate an element of your past or personality, which invites a question from her to you. So, you do not want to reveal an ENTIRE fact about your life. What you want to do is to hint at it, thus, baiting a question from her. Think of it as revealing the very “tip” of a conversational thread. This helps eliminate the traditional pattern of you asking tons of questions of her, and gets her asking questions of you instead. This is a much more powerful dynamic that gets her chasing you.

As I mentioned, the basic rule of thumb is to bait her until she is asking you questions. then, feel free to ask questions of her. Got that? It is very important that you demonstrate your interest in her by asking questions and complimenting her, but do it at the right time. Most guys get nervous and start asking questions as a way of staying afloat in the conversation which implies a lack of skill. The right time to ask questions is in the “connect” phase. It is critical that you let her know that you find her interesting, and worth getting to know further. But, only do this when she has indicated an interest in you by asking you questions. When she does this, you know she is “hook”ed. Why else would she ask you a question, unless she wanted you to stay?

By baiting her, she is the one to shift the dynamic into the “getting to know you” stage of an interaction rather than you. It is an essential skill to hooking her into the conversation. This technique empowers you out of the traditional question asking dynamic, and into the more interesting exchange of you leading by demonstrating your personality. You come across as more powerful, and less supplicative. Naturals do this all the time.

This leads me into the third, and final thing you must cover in order to secure a solid date with a woman you have just met, the “connect” phase.

How To Connect With Women

The “connect” phase of the interaction usually has to be quick, because typically both of you aren’t just available to hang out all afternoon. (If you are, by all means go for it).How do you build a quick connection in this scenario? You build commonalities, or you share real-time experiences. Sharing a real-time experience is usually something you do during a date (in fact, it is the POINT of dating). Usually, when first meeting a woman, you need to build commonalities.

Another name for the “connect” phase is “rapport”. There are types of rapport: wide rapport and deep rapport. Deep rapport is where you and she connect by discussing one topic in depth. This can be a very powerful experience for both of you, but when meeting a new person, it is not as effective as wide rapport. Wide rapport is where you cover multiple topics, finding that you have numerous commonalities. So, over the course of 5-10 minutes, you might find that you have common interests in travel, art, photography, the outdoors, and volunteering with children. This is an example of having wide rapport with someone. This is often a very strong indicator of compatibility, and can very easily lead to a date. Having one thing in common (deep rapport) is, again, a very nice thing but after the interaction, she will correctly wonder, “well, we do have art in common, but what else?” Very often women are not comfortable spending time on a date with a guy with whom she has discovered only one commonality. So, it is important to move from topic to topic in the “connect” phase, to uncover multiple commonalities.

As I said before, while in the “connect” phase it is completely appropriate to ask questions. Since you have now passed the “hook point”, she will not be put off by you wondering about her. In fact, by now she has decided that she wants you to ask her questions.

So, in my original scenario, it was easy to find a commonality, and in fact, she did all of the work:

HER: “I love France, I was there recently working, and every time I leave I swear to myself that I will live there some day”

ME: “Perhaps as a haiku master…”

HER: “Haha – no, I doubt that – there is just something about the country, the language, the passion, that I crave”

ME: “Me too – you know, a number of years ago I was on Montmartre and I was walking around it was a clear morning. I noticed an amazing artists studio overlooking the city. It received beautiful light, and had a nice open room in the middle with a fireplace. This was all I could see as I passed by the window. Anyway, that is my future French home the one I think about when I think of moving to France because I do it probably once a week. I love it there too”

Presto – we now have two things in common (poetry and France) and have shared our sincere and mutual desire to live overseas. We always had these things in common, but now we know it and have shared it with each other. That is what forms the beginning of a connection. At this point, I can go because I know a phone number and a date are very solid.

ME: “Unfortunately, I have to get to a meeting. We never properly met, I am Stephen”

HER: “Natalie”

ME: “We will have to continue this some other time, when you have had a chance to brush up on your poetry skills and I have a little more time.”

HER: “Definitely – let me give you my number…:”

Simple, right? Well, on paper it is. In real life, doing the above takes some practice and a sense of spontaneity. To summarize the “connect” phase: build multiple commonalities (at least two in my experience) and avoid the trap of deep rapport. If you’ve been talking about one subject for a while, change the subject, bait, or ask a question to move the conversation forward.

With a plan of action – these three steps: Engage, Hook & Connect, you can at least rest easy in knowing that you know what to do. The only thing left is to ask for her number. Refer to page 48 for my technique in asking for a phone number.