Stop the war or screw a "pro-lifer."

The choice is yours.

Are you one of those godless sluts who needs to take extra government-subsidized birth control because of all the radical feminist lesbian sex you're having?

Are you also so fickle and irresponsible that you're pregnant any way and of course want to have an abortion because we ladies love abortion and hate babies?

Are you unsure of how to get that abortion, thanks to the "pro-life" Republicans in Congress who keep restricting your access because Jesus and freedom?

Well, sluts, have I got the solution for you. Drop that coat hanger, cancel that flight to Mexico, and just find yourself a married "pro-life" congressman and/or doctor to screw, and he'll help you faster than you can say "family values":



A pro-life, family-values congressman who worked as a doctor before winning election as a Tea Party-backed Republican had an affair with a patient and later pressured her to get an abortion, according to a phone call transcript obtained by The Huffington Post. The congressman, Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, was trying to save his marriage at the time, according to his remarks on the call, made in September of 2000.

"You told me you'd have an abortion, and now we're getting too far along without one," DesJarlais tells the woman at one point in the call while negotiating with her over whether he'll reveal her identity to his wife. [...] "You told me you would have time to go with me and everything," the woman complains. "I said, if I could, I would, didn't I? And I will try," DesJarlais says. "If I can [find] time, you're saying you still will?" "Yeah," the woman answers. [...] "This is not fair to me. I don't want you in my life," the woman says. "Well, I didn't want to be in your life either, but you lied to me about something that caused us to be in this situation, and that's not my fault, that's yours," the doctor responds. "Well, it's [your] fault for sleeping with your patient," the woman fires back. [...] "If we need to go to Atlanta, or whatever, to get this solved and get it over with so we can get on with our lives, then let's do it," DesJarlais says. “Well, we’ve got to do something soon. And you’ve even got to admit that because the clock is ticking right?” he says at another point.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, No fucking way is this real. Must be taken out of context or something. But no. Just take a look at DesJarlais' abortiony pillow talk:

Sexy, right? Pro-lifey? Family values-y? Of course, in fairness to DesJarlais, he was not at the time actually an elected member of Congress, with the power to pursue and vote for anti-abortion legislation. Those votes came later. No, he was merely a married doctor who'd slept with a patient and tried to coerce her into an abortion, which makes it so much better. And besides, according to his campaign, that whole knocking-up-his-mistress-slash-patient-and-trying-to-force-her-to-have-an-abortion thing is just "old news from the last election cycle that Tennesseans have already widely rejected."

But wait. It's not just old news; it's fake news, suckas, because she wasn't even pregnant:



"I don't mind telling people that there was no pregnancy, and no abortion," said DesJarlais, who is seeking re-election.

Now, sure, you might be thinking it's pretty absurd that he'd try to force his mistress to have an abortion when she wasn't even pregnant, but as we now know, thanks to Todd Akin and his "science," doctors are constantly "giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant." Guess Akin was right after all!

On second thought, maybe there's a better way to guarantee our access to health care. Maybe, just maybe, instead of having to sleep with married "pro-lifers," we could kick those sons of bitches out of office so we can stop their War on Women. If we elect more, better women to Congress, we just might be able to protect our health care and our rights and stop these guys from running around spouting their fake "science" and crackpot theories while they vote on our bodies and tell us they know what's best for us.

So, what do you say, sluts? Sleep with these guys so we can get our health care, or send more, better women to Congress? I think we all know what the best answer is, right?

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This week's good, bad and ugly below the fold.