So it has happened. You have gotten too high. Way too high. Like, “wait, did I just say that? Am I talking? Can you hear me? Wait, am I reading your mind?” high.

Your friend swore that joint was a low THC strain. They claimed that edible hardly had any cannabutter in it. They were adamant about how that vape pen would give a “clear” high. Whatever bullshit they told you, all you know is, right now, you are high as a cucumber. And just the thought of salad makes you want to cry. And then you have the thought…

Am I going to die?

Fortunately, I can say with certainty, you are not going to die…. Well, you might. I don’t know. You could be sitting on an active volcano that is about to explode! So you might die. But you won’t die from being too high.

Now, while you won’t die from being too high, you might feel like you are dying. That is just the anxiety and paranoia, an unfortunate side-effect of consuming too much THC. So to “survive” being this high, I have created this 5 step guide. A “survival guide,” if you will. So here it is, Ardin’s Survival Guide to Being Too High :

1. Travel back in time and procure provisions

“I’ll take a dozen of everything.”

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Fun Fact: time travel is possible when you are this high. You understand that time is just a perception filter on reality, preventing us from going insane; by experiencing every moment at once. But you see the truth now, so feel free to travel back in time and visit a supermarket for supplies: cookies, chips, dips, drinks (non-alcoholic beverages without caffeine. You want to stay hydrated, and booze and caffeine will dry you out), chocolate, ice cream, candy, Chinese food, Mexican food, Mac-n-Cheese, did I say cookies? Definitely cookies. Oh man, I’d kill for some cookies right now. Anyway, stock up on provisions. You aren’t going to want to leave where you are when you are this high (this is an “at home” guide. I’ll create another one for being too high in public later. So time travel to then, now). And even though you will be fine in 2-12 hours, you could die in that time without food or drink! Pro Tip: Keep your edibles and your snacks in separate rooms. You don’t want to accidentally snack on your edibles!

2. You remembered CBD, right?

Now that you have returned from the past to the horror that is your present (why didn’t we warn our childhood selves to study for that Algebra test we took on October 17, 1997? It would have changed everything!) I hope you remembered to pick up some CBD along the way. What do you mean, “you didn’t say anything about CBD before you left”? Why didn’t you just read my thoughts? (Fun Fact: You are telepathic now. Go have a conversation with your cat. She has some notes on how you clean the litter box). If you did manage to pick up some CBD on your trip back from the past, take it now, it will help. CBD acts as a buffer against absorbing all of that THC into your brain at once. It will also help with the paranoia and anxiety.

3. Phone a friend

“Why did I have to get high at Grandma’s house?”

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You don’t want to go through this alone. Fun Fact: your friend definitely wants to hear all of your genius ideas for screenplays, in detail, at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon. So give them a call! Convince your friend to come over. Because there is nothing better than sharing a solo experience with an unwilling participant. And while you are on the phone with them, convincing them that they have to come over, be sure to munch on those provisions we secured when we traveled back in time. Nothing says, “please come over and hang out,” better than loudly munching on chips and mumbling into the phone.

4. Distractions and entertainment are key

Because you are too high to deal with your own thoughts right now, and talking to the cat psychically has gotten a bit boring (she won’t shut up about how the term, “Meow Mix,” is offensive to her), you need a distraction. So spend the next hour or so staring at the television. When your friend arrives, they will “turn it on,” for you. Despite the fact that you were just in the middle of a really great episode of a show that doesn’t exist outside of your mind. Trust me, the show you will be watching is much more entertaining, but your friend will insist on watching something you can both see.

5. Whatever you do, DO NOT order food for delivery!

“$32.67? Okay, I’ll make you a deal, you can take any one of these. But just one.”

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You cannot deal with a monetary transaction right now. And forget about trying to make a phone call to place an order (Fun Fact: the best restaurants won’t let you order online when you are high. Especially for Chinese food. And you know you want egg rolls right now). Besides, do you even have cash? Because they never take a credit card. And you need to give the delivery person a tip. And they never have change. See? This is all too much. Maybe you should just go take a nap.

Hopefully, this guide has proven helpful as you try to deal with your high. No matter what, remember, this will pass. You will be back to normal in no more than 12-24 hours. The only lasting side-effect might be, “being a little more chill,” from now on.

Remember, go low and go slow. And no one has ever died from consuming cannabis.