I recently had a panic attack at work. I had to leave immediately, get the heck home, and take a breather while also explaining the existential crisis to my wife: What am I going to do with my life?

I've always been a driven, passionate person. But as I went from my twenties into my thirties, the effects of adult ADHD took their toll, and I had a rear view mirror full of regrets: the jobs I had lost, bridges I burned with job recruiters, relationships I pushed away due to my inability to commit, and financial disaster I had created. My energy and passion began turning to darkness and despair, no matter how hard I tried to achieve my goals in life. At times, that darkness took control of everything. I ended up in a jail cell in 1999 and attempted suicide in 2011. The darkness starts when I'm excited and ready to build my new vision of success, but my racing, anxious mind sabotages my attempts to the point where I can't handle anything anymore. In 2011, I truly wanted to die, to escape from all the pressure, and to get my mind to just stop churning.

The Excitement, The Passion, and The Crash

The adult mind is so full of curiosity, passion, and wonder. But it also comes with anxiety and self-loathing. We are our own worst critics. It makes sense when you think about it - mood swings and thoughts can be incredibly traumatic. For me, most aspects of my life, including college, relationships, finances, and jobs have gone through this roller coaster at some point. There's the climb to excitement that then crashes when my mind gets in my own way. It gets really old really fast feeling like your own worst enemy.

Following my recent panic attack, my wife and I looked closely at my options: Get a real education in a field where I'd be in demand, or endlessly "spin my wheels" with these dead-end security jobs? I'm seeing a psychologist to sort this all out, once and for all. I've flunked out of university once (before my adult ADHD diagnosis), so this time, I have to be 200 percent honest with myself. Can I do this? Or will this lead me back to the crash again?

Permission to Be Yourself, But Never Stop Growing

I've found that one of the keys to balancing out the thoughts of "Where do I belong in this world?" is to remember this: You do have talents and gifts. Never forget that, but also realize that real joy and success in this life takes consistent, daily effort, regardless what your goals are. No matter how hard I try, whenever I stray too far from this fact, trouble comes. We have to be ourselves, and we've got to live life on our terms as people who are passionate... but distracted. The challenge comes with the way we ADHDers often see the world, and how we manage our behaviors or traits. No one needs to take it slow - one day, hour, or even minute at a time - more than we do. Moment to moment, we can make impulsive decisions that unravel all the work we've put in to try to be successful. If anyone is the poster boy for suddenly breaking off relationships, quitting jobs, saying something I later regret, or spiraling into panic and despair, I am. All I need to do is look back on the sorrow and depression I've caused in my own life over the years.

You DO Have What It Takes!

Life with ADHD has felt like a constant battle, clinging to my goals, my dreams, and how I want to live my life. At the age of 35, the darkness nearly broke me, and I've never been the same, fearing it could come back at any time. For that very reason, I've made it my personal mission to learn and do whatever I need to so that I can truly be happy in life, and also help others to know they aren't alone in this. The good news is that we do have the ability to make our lives better, regardless of how bad things might be in life at this moment. I know that now, and I'll never let depression get a hold of me like that again without telling a professional. That decision saved my life, in fact, and forever changed me.

How has the combination of adult ADHD and depression affected you? Let me know! We're in this together, after all.