Brace yourself, OGN readers, because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer! According to police reports, Denver, CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times instead of simply ducking behind cover for a few seconds and returning to full health.


Clearly, this guy hasn’t played a minute of Call Of Duty in the past decade.

Whether it’s Halo 3 or Uncharted, recent gaming releases have consistently taught us that bullet wounds heal quickly and easily through the foolproof process of crouching behind a box or pillar for a few seconds until your health has time to recharge. But, in brazen defiance of these lessons, Rudolph apparently dragged himself along the sidewalk while heavily bleeding before calling 911 and taking an ambulance all the way to a local hospital.


Now, in all fairness, Rudolph might have had some red streaks clouding his vision. But if he had just leaned up against a car and waited for his sight to clear, this guy would have been back on his feet and entirely healthy in no time. Instead, he spent thousands of dollars on emergency surgery, blood transplants, and weeks in a hospital room, and it sounds like he’ll still never recover the ability to walk!

We guess that is what you get when you so willfully ignore the teachings from Gears Of War.


If we give Rudolph the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s an old-school gamer and thought the hospital’s medkits were the only way to restore himself to full life. But frankly, if this guy is so averse to enjoying recent classics like Modern Warfare, he deserves to spend the rest of his life paying off medical debt. We here at OGN can only hope Mitch has learned his lesson and knows to have someone wheel his paralyzed body behind a cardboard crate next time anyone starts shooting at him!