Welcome to Harem Hill, where the boys are gormless and the girls are cardboard-cutout tsunderekkos. Once a week, we’ll follow the development of some of the season’s worst anime series. Points will be assigned every time a harem just has to harem. By the end of the summer, one show will ascend to godhood, becoming the harem that all other harems must bow to. Who will claim the prestigious Crown of Shit Harem? But before we start, let’s see our contestants!

Our first contestant is Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate!

Hailing from AIC Build, a studio whose parent company has spearheaded amazing titles such as OreImo and Sora no Otoshimono. Will AIC Build have the same chops to deliver a show capable of scaling our mountain of undeniable shit? Our hero here has to win the student council election to prevent his snack-eating club from getting shut down. The show’s going to have to bump the ecchi up a bit, however, if it wants to win with a premise like that.

Next up, Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru!

It’s by Studio… Gokumi… who’s Studio Gokumi? Who cares! Basically, the show is Schroedinger’s incest. Left to their own devices, any of the five girls above has the potential to be the harem lead’s precious imouto. Stick your dick in any one of them, however, and the waveform collapses into either a regular baby or a flipper baby… good luck! Now, why can’t he remember what his little sister used to look like and thus avoid this incestuous predicament? ‘Cause he’s a fucking idiot, that’s why.

Third up is Hagure Yuusha no Estetica!

A show with so much promise that it has its own (completely empty) wiki. Since you can’t find the synopsis there, you’ll be happy to know that Estetica features a strong, strapping warrior who has been entrusted with the demon king’s daughter. Zany.

Our next show, Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai, isn’t intimidated though!

From the same brilliant studio behind the classic Yosuga no Sora, expect lots of gratuitous nipples. Dekinai features a young man who can only save the world by being lecherous. Mmm, promising!

Last, but certainly not least, Campione!

Searching for Diomedea on Wikipedia, however, gives me a page about a great albatross. Since I’m too lazy to look it up on Anime News Network, I have no clue what else this studio is known for, but I bet it’s nothing good. All I know is that Campione! will have a lot of misappropriated words and concepts from the West.

Now let’s start the show!

Right off the bat, the harem lead in Dekinai lives alone because his father is dead and his mother works in Germany. That’s gotta be worth at least 100 points.



A reasonable question that should’ve ended the show right there and then.

But not to be outdone, Imouto keeps pace with a dead father of its own! And ooh, the death was recent too. Not only that, a creepy disembodied voice claiming to be our harem lead’s sister informs him that she’ll marry him one day… no better time to drop this bombshell than shortly after your father’s death! 100 points for the dead father, another hundred for the creepy sister.

Both Campione! and Chocolate disappointingly open with plot — plot that might actually contain intrigue. What the hell, you guys? You’re never going to win the Crown of Shit Harem with that attitude. -50 for each.

Wait, what’s this? The hero of Estetica wastes no time in stealing panties from his female assailants. Not just any panties either, but meido panties. Nice. Sexual assault gets you 500!

Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 500

Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 200

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 100

Campione! — -50

Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — -50

Campione! continues to disappoint, giving us a mahou shoujo transformation sequence with no nudity whatsoever. How am I supposed to maintain my hard-on at this rate? Zero points.

Dekinai goes for the quick jab (ogling the childhood friend), then follows it up with three more quick ones (ogling freshmen). 50 points each.

Imouto gives us the tried-and-true panty shot, but mars it with the black hole of death. 100 points for the former, -50 for the latter.

Chocolate steps its game up and delivers cowboy-style dry humping courtesy of the childhood friend. That should be at least 150, no?

But the cream rises to the top and Estetica delivers the “big guns.” Obviously, when the demon king entrusts his daughter to you, the first thing you must do is to strip her completely naked. If she asks, just make up some bullshit about how clothes can’t travel through dimensions. Don’t worry — she won’t notice that the same rule doesn’t seem to apply to you. 300 for the frontal nudity, another 500 for sexual assault!

Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 1300

Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 250

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 200

Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 100

Campione! — -50

It looks like Estetica is running away with this.

The show lands yet another solid hit (300 points) with more frontal nudity from our hapless heroine as she undergoes a health check-up. During this entire time, a woman monologues about transport gates and kidnapped youths. Clever way to spice up some infodumping with breasts. Can any of our other contestants even hope to challenge Estetica?

Campione! takes a stab at the scoreboard with the racy shot (100 points) above. Unfortunately, our harem lead’s grandpa — yes, his grandpa — has been there and done that (-100 points).

Imouto goes for the heart strings with an early near-kiss, but fails to send my heart all a-dokidoki (25 points).

Seeing a potential letdown from Estetica, Dekinai steps its own sexual assaultery game up (500 points). The anime shoots for the gold or, rather, amber waves of grain, proving that (yet again) Asian girls need to shave. That oh-so-clever metaphor has to be worth something (250 points), right?

Chocolate stumbles (0 points).

Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 1600

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 950

Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 275

Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 100

Campione! — -50

Chocolate and Campione! continue to languish, but the gap has closed between Estetica and the rest of the field. We’re now nearing the home stretch, but the points will carry over to other weeks. Still, it never hurts to finish strong!

Perhaps engorged from its own laurels, Estetica decides to finish the rest of the competition by submitting an awkward display of shounen dick-waving. A disappointing finish (10 points), to say the least.

Undeterred, Campione! shoots again for the scoreboard (100 points). The harem lead blushes, however, and is too prudish to capitalize on such a golden opportunity. One wonders if Campione! hasn’t already lost the game from the very first episode.

Lacking the big guns of the top two, Chocolate opts for quantity over quality, bombarding us with references of big breasts and, at one point, even employing the old anime cliche of having a clumsy girl run right into the harem lead (25 points each). It’s doubtful, however, if this new strategy is enough for Chocolate to challenge the frontrunners.



GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CAKE!

Imouto gets creative and delivers creepy stalker vibes when our harem lead gets not only a birthday cake in the mail, but a mysterious phone call from his precious imouto. Most awkward boner yet (250 points)?

Dekinai continues its relentless assault for the top with a juicy mahou shoujo transformation scene (300 points). And what’s this?

Our heroine is fighting a tentacle monster! I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is headed (400 points).

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 1650

Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 1610

Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 525

Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 200

Campione! — 50

A stunning comeback for Dekinai! But here comes Imouto with one final push!

Although this isn’t complete nudity, Imouto should get a little extra for the cream puffs metaphor (300 points). Meanwhile, both Estetica and Chocolate seem to have shut it down for the day.

Campione! has the balls to lock lips this early in the game, but I’m afraid that is worth little when it comes to the Crown of Shit Harem (25 points).

With Imouto‘s final haymaker falling short of challenging Dekinai, the latter opts to pull even further ahead with even more sexual harassment (500 points). But it’s okay! He has to grope her in order to save the day!

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 2150

Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 1610

Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 825

Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 200

Campione! — 70

And with that, Dekinai shell-shocks Estetica and takes week one. Nevertheless, it’s only the beginning of a long competition and Estetica remains within striking distance. Imouto is far behind, but it has to remain a dark horse with a premise involving incest. Sadly, both Chocolate and Campione! might have fallen too far behind. Anyway, tune in next time for Harem Hill Week 2!

Our Crown of Shit Harem lesson of the week: