WASHINGTON—Demanding that the Middle Eastern nation retaliate immediately in self-defense against the existential threat posed by America’s military operations, National Security Adviser John Bolton called for a forceful Iranian response Friday to continuing United States aggression. “Iran cannot sit idly by as the American imperialist machine encroaches on their territory, threatens their sovereignty, and endangers their very way of life,” said Bolton, warning that America’s fanatical leadership, steadfast devotion to flexing their muscles in the region, and alleged access to nuclear weapons necessitated that Iran strike back with a vigorous show of force as soon—and as hard—as possible. “The only thing these Westerners understand is violence, so it’s imperative that Iran sends a clear message that they won’t be walked over. Let’s not forget, the U.S. defied a diplomatically negotiated treaty for seemingly no reason at all-—these are dangerous radicals that cannot be reasoned with. They’ve been given every opportunity to back down, but their goal is total domination of the region, and Iran won’t stand for that.” At press time, Bolton said that the only option left on the table was for Iran to launch a full-fledged military strike against the Great Satan.

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