The biggest news this week – if you ignore politics, technology, sports and weather – is that DC Comics will soon be rebooting its universe. Again.

DC owns such iconic superheroes as Superman, Batman and Matter-Eater Lad, and the company carefully stewards its charges by periodically killing them off, maiming them or driving them insane every time sales dip.

When sales really dip, the DC honchos pull out the old reboot trick. They rewrite the universe from the ground up, shaking up the status quo and leaving no sacred cow untenderized. Then 45-year-old action figure collectors complain, and DC changes everything back.

DC needs to hand the reins over to me for the reboot, which will start with Justice League No. 1 later this summer. I'll ignore the wailing fans complaining that I've rendered the events of page 12 of Issue No. 138 of Batman: Legends of the Cash Cow obsolete. When I undermine the work of a generation, it stays undermined.

Here's what I'll do to make these incredibly popular, universally recognized characters palatable to 21st-century readers.

Batman ——

The great thing about Batman is that he has no powers. That makes him just like you and me, the main difference being that he goes out and gets exercise instead of reading comic books.

I want to take things a step further. In my universe, Batman has no powers or money. He's constantly Dumpster-diving in the middle of missions to find something he can use as a batarang, or maybe just some leftover pizza.

Most of his scientific investigation is done on the computers at the library. The Batmobile is a shopping cart with plastic bags hanging from it. It does have fins, though.

Wonder Woman ————

Even though she's a household name and a synonym for "soccer mom," Wonder Woman hasn't had a hit series since Lynda Carter hung up the hairspray. This must not stand. I'm going to make Wonder Woman popular, dammit.

The three biggest womanly names in entertainment are Oprah Winfrey, Martha Stewart and Lady Gaga, so the new Wonder Woman will run around giving away cars, scrapbooking and wearing a dress made of meat. Ka-ching!

Green Lantern ————-

The problem with Green Lantern is that his one power is just "his imagination comes true." He's a damn Muppet Baby in tights. Wait, didn't Gonzo wear tights? The point stands.

We need to compress Green Lantern's portfolio a bit. From now on, he will have the power to control anything that's green, and anything that's a lantern. So he's pretty much unbeatable in a Coleman outlet store, but otherwise he's going to have to work a little harder.

Superman ——–

Every so often, the writers try to tone down Superman's powers, but they always end up ratcheting them back up again, because when you get down to it, Superman has just one power: being more goddamned powerful than anyone else. So screw it, let's give him even more powers:

Can turn a frozen chicken into a thermonuclear bomb just by touching it.

In addition to supercold breath, he has superhot nose mucus.

Every child in the world, at the moment it is born, starts following his Twitter feed.

Can taste anything from 10,000 miles away.

Gets Call of Duty Elite premium membership without even having to buy Call of Duty.

New team name: "The Justice League of Superman."

Lois Lane agrees to threesome with Zatanna.

Mayor of the solar system on Foursquare.

When he squeezes anything – not just coal – it turns into a diamond.

When he eats pork, it's vegan for some reason.

Can control sea life with his mind, just to piss off Aquaman.

His Pandora account has a rewind button.

Able to create obvious rip-offs of Chuck Norris Facts without anyone noticing.

The Martian Manhunter ———————

Gone. Poof. He, his ridiculous backstory and his luchador Liberace outfit never existed. He doesn't exist in another dimension, he doesn't exist in another timeline, he doesn't even exist in comic books.

Those issues of the lame mid-'80s Justice League you bought? Imaginary. I don't know why it's OK to have a Kryptonian who looks exactly like a Calvin Klein model while it's not OK to have a green Martian – it just is.

Next week: More DC remakes, or possibly something else.

Photo: Nathan Lewis/Flickr

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to make more superhero jokes on Twitter.

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