‘Fuck You,’ Say Illiterate Children


MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up your ass, you depraved sack of shit,” said 8-year-old Emmy Bowman, echoing the sentiments of millions of children across the country who confirmed they would rather never learn to read and write than take cash from someone as morally bankrupt as Mark Zuckerberg. “We’re not going to debase ourselves by accepting handouts from some sociopath tech bro. Do you think throwing a few million dollars at underprivileged kids absolves you of all the terrible shit you’ve done? Get real.” At press time, an angry mob of kindergarteners had reportedly descended on Facebook’s headquarters holding angry, wordless protest signs.