Learning the language is only the first step to becoming Spanish. Getting a tan and knowing your tapas from your pintxos are steps two and three, but there’s still a long way to go before you can pass yourself off as anything other than a guiri. There are some shortcuts, though.

First, forget Anglo-Saxon notions of politeness, discretion and decorum. Being Spanish involves walking into a bar, kissing and hugging complete strangers, shouting “oiga” at the waiter and chucking anything you can’t eat or drink on the floor. Except glasses. That’s too much. But you can drop the please and thank yous. They’re so unnecessary.

If you’re a lady, carry a fan. Over here, it’s a tool, not a souvenir, and regardless