It’s… time!!! After weeks of searching for a venue to stage mixed martial arts matches in the midst of the coronavirus crisis, UFC president Dana White has landed on the planet Ahch-To. White and entertainment conglomerate Endeavor flirted with Las Vegas, Florida, Native American tribal land in California — even Shang Tsung’s Island (of Mortal Kombat fame) — as potential homes for UFC’s live promotions, but Ahch-To’s Temple Island ultimately beat them all out.

“If it’s good enough for Luke Skywalker to train Rey, it’s good enough for our fighters to beat the snot out of each other. What we’re building on Fight Island is absolutely epic; a 250,000 square-foot production hub with an arena built on top of the charred remains of an ancient Force tree. This is really going to save the day from this pandemic… and the whole thing will be visible from outer space,” White said via Zoom video call with FakingStarWars Thursday night.

“Live fights will be produced out of there starting next month and for the foreseeable future.”

Remnants of this Force tree will serve as the foundation for the UFC’s Octagon on Fight Island.

As for critics who may think it’s too soon to stage live sporting events, White said, “Let me reassure everyone, Fight Island is in the middle of nowhere, and we’re keeping directions to Ahch-To locked up, so no one will be getting the ‘Rona on our watch. We’re also testing every fighter before and after their matches… for the virus.”

UFC 249 may be the first title card on Fight Island.

Like other live entertainment promoters, Endeavor has been taking its fair share of economic lumps due to COVID-19. Just last week, it was forced to cancel the highly anticipated UFC 249 pay-per-view event over fears of spreading the coronavirus. But White believes Fight Island will begin to turn the tide.

“Forget the past. Rear naked choke it if you have to. I’m looking at the future and it’s looking brighter than ever for us on Ahch-To. Donnie [President Donald J. Trump] is completely on board and he’s commissioned Space Force to help us pull the whole thing off.”

As one of the sports executives chosen by Trump to advise him on how to reopen the U.S. economy, White and his Fight Island initiative have the full backing of the White House.

According to White, a legion of Trump’s best Space Force troops will be in charge of transporting equipment, building materials, and UFC talent to the distant planet. The massive undertaking is certainly more ambitious than any other sport’s attempt to bypass COVID-19, but will the effort generate enough revenue to offset the costs?

“This is about brand building, first and foremost. We’re going to set a precedent, and the rest of the galaxy is going to learn what MMA is all about. Do you know how many markets would kill to see this stuff? Remember the coliseum scene in Attack of the Clones? Imagine that in our Octagon. I can see a cross-species tournament… a true Ultimate Fighter contest. The intergalactic broadcast rights alone would be priceless.”

White is certainly playing the long game, because the first event on Fight Island will occur without any audience in attendance. How that will look in such a massive arena is anyone’s guess, but he joked about potentially projecting a Zoom virtual background of people throughout the venue.

“There may not be any people in the audience, but we’ve put the word out among the porgs and the lanai. If they pass COVID-19 tests, they’ll be in the crowd. I’m hoping a few Thala-Sirens show up, too. They look amazing on camera!”

Future UFC ring card girl?

Obviously, we had to address the elephant in the room. While White would not confirm any appearances by Star Wars luminaries, he also did not rule out the possibility of a certain Force ghost or two materializing during the event. Fingers crossed!

Special thanks to Dana White for the exclusive —

May the Force and the Fight be with you always, D!

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