Your morning roundup for March 22 23, the day Glenn Beck contemplated launching his own channel, and we all contemplated launching ourselves off bridges.


• Barry Bonds's circus trial heard both sides' opening statements in San Francisco yesterday. Bonds's lawyers said that Barroid testified truthfully in 2003 when he told a grand jury he was using steroids. His trainer, Greg Anderson, refused to testify and was sent back to jail in contempt of court, while Skeletor lookalike Jeff Novitzky did speak before the court. Do either the anti-steroid people or the pro-steroid people care about this thing? Can't we send them to Judge Wapner, and wrap it all up in an hour, with time for the Weitz and Luxenberg ads included?


• Meanwhile, in actual San Francisco baseball news, the Giants say Brian Wilson did not tear his oblique, and the team hopes he will be ready for Opening Day. Lefty reliever Jeremy Affeldt said he's prepared to match Wilson's facial hair: "Yeah, I could do that. Dye the ol' stinger, rat tail, whatever you want to call it. Maybe I'll dye it orange with black stripes." It's all fun and games until Sergio Romo hangs that first slider.

• The Bulls razed Atlanta as Sherman would last night, sowing salt all up in Marvin Williams en route to a 114-81 win. Rose had 30 points and 10 assists in only 29 minutes, while Luol Deng shot 10-of-15 from the floor and 6-of-6 at the line. Former Bull Kirk Hinrich played 28 minutes for the Hawks and didn't score a point. Chicago is 9-1 in its past ten and now has a half-game lead on the fackin' Celts.

• The second half's infernal fire may be close to extinguished after last night's Bruins-Devils game—Boston won, 4-1, leaving New Jersey mathematically alive but functionally dead. The Devils have gone 24-6-2 in the second half, which is kind of incredible, but they've lost their last four, and the miracle is sputtering.

• But despair not, tri-state-area hockey fans! The Rangers made their lone goal a winning one against Florida at MSG last night, meaning that the Blueshirts retain, for now, their grasp on the Eastern Conference's seventh seed. After the game, Henrik Lundqvist said, "I think about hockey all the time now." Why start now, asks Sean Avery, a healthy scratch once again?


• The Caps defeated the Flyers, 5-4, in a shootout, to clinch a playoff spot and move within one point of Philly for tops in the Eastern Conference. You know, not that Philly fans are, say not the worst fans in sports, but don't they deserve a goalie a little better than Brian Boucher or Michael Leighton? Somewhere, John Vanbiesbrouck is nodding and sobbing.

• Women's tourney! The UConn Lady Huskies filleted Purdue, 64-40, and advanced to the Sweet 16. Maya Moore continues to make her case as the illest. The Georgia Lady Bulldogs upset Florida State, 61-59, and Louisville stunned Xavier. It's almost like March Madness! Isn't this in March? But there ain't nothing like the real thing, baby.


Photo via Retort Nation

Recently On Deadspin

A few stories you might've missed.


Pearl Sham: The former Tennessee coach has long been up to no good in college basketball, a wire-tapper who tattled to advance his self-interest. Daniel Libit unearths some damning transcripts.


Steven Seagal And Racist Arizona Sheriff Bust Alleged Cockfighting Ring With A Tank: Lest you think Seagal has let up his all-around crime-fighting since the second season of Steven Seagal, Lawman was put on hiatus, here's some Lord's work he and Sheriff Joe Arpaio accomplished in Phoenix.



He Is Who They Thought He Was: Luis Castillo took his sweet time showing up to Phillies camp, taking two days to travel from his home in southern Florida to central-ish Florida, and unwittingly proving his crassest Mets-fan detractors right once again.

Bad Apples: According to Lawrence Taylor, who was just sentenced to six years' probation, hiring a prostitute can often be like picking out produce at a market. "You never know what you're gonna get, if it's gonna be a pretty girl or an ugly girl," Taylor said. Somewhere in sunny Florida, Bill Parcells sighed, and put his head on his boyfriend's shoulder.