Look what Millennials have done.

In 1996 a first time brunch buyer could have locked down a full english breakfast for around $6 in metro Melbourne. Today that would barely cover the downpayment for adding hollandaise sauce. Baby Boomers across Australia are struggling to enter the brunch market because of, what economists are referring to, a “Brunch Boom” in the last two decades.

Baby Boomer, Professor of Economics and Sociology at Monash University, Scott Grey says that Millennials are to blame.

“Overinvestment in brunching has caused prices to surge upwards at an unsustainable rate.” he laments, staring vacantly at soggy Weetbix served unironically.

In a report released in October last year, written at home and fueled only by Nescafe Dark Roast instant coffee, Professor Grey has issued a strongly worded warning for Millennials and the social-impact their frivolous cafe spending has caused for the older generation in Australia.

“At the rate young people are investing in breakfast foods parading as fine dining, they will leave behind an inhospitable climate for their parents, who may never get to experience a Sous Vide Eggs Croque con Fromage of their own.”

Grey’s report goes on to recount a personal experience of his while on a business trip to South Melbourne. He saw a warehouse-style cafe were auctioning off tables outside their venue, with 30–40 groups of hungover millennials angrily shouting for a spot. With the overwhelming smell of determination and last night’s alcohol hanging in the air, Professor Grey was ignored at the back, forced to retreat to a Vietnamese bakery in order to survive.

“I can’t eat coriander now without vivid flashbacks to ‘Nam [Bakery].” bemoaned Professor Grey.

Combined with the efforts of Professor Grey and his equally hungry colleagues at Monash University, policy-makers have taken note and are rallying for change to Food Licensing Laws in Victoria. A proposed modification to the existing laws would require any establishment serving brunch to offer a grant of $2500 to those above the age of 45 who are buying “off the menu”.

The lobbyists for this grant have backed it up with data that suggests if Baby Boomers don’t get what they want it will cause the “Brunch Bubble” to burst, putting thousands of Kiwis and English backpackers who have overstayed their visas out of work.

“This grant would be a step in the right direction, but real change can only come when Millennials become aware of the damage their purchasing behaviour is having on other generations. Those unlucky enough to be born too early for Melbourne’s ‘cafe culture’ want to have a single-origin cold drip too sometimes” Grey remarked from the comfort of his fully paid holiday home in Ocean Grove.

Brodie Evans