FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman, but just a dickhead.

Johnson, who has long maintained that beneath his buffoonish exterior lies a steely political operator, today stared into the mirror and saw nothing but a buffoon staring back.

He said: “This is a ridiculous thought, but what if – indulge me – I’m actually exactly the absurd clown I seem?

“When I got given a proper job I was shit at it. I told myself it was a canny move stoking Britain’s populist xenophobia, but maybe I’m just shit at jobs?

“Perhaps I’m a fat, lying sack of shit who shags any passing posh bird and who nobody trusts an inch?

“Oh god, it’s all true. Even messing my hair up before I go on TV looks a bit twattish.”