Chubby chasers, “tranny” chasers, white people who fetishize a specific non-white racial or ethnic group and several others. These are all pretty robust subcultures that consist of people who express exclusive or primary romantic interest in members of a marginalized group of people. Because of this, people who have these attractions are often looked at as allies to the specific group that they fetishize. This could not be further from the truth.

In a recent discussion in a facebook group for plus sized gay men and those attracted to us, I witnessed something that was very interesting. The topic was about large men who post nude pictures and videos on the internet not “loving” or “valuing” themselves. Never one for respectability politics are puritanical values, I disagreed with this viewpoint vehemently. However, another person who disagreed chose to call the poster of the comment a “fat undesirable bitch”. This left me mystified because a few posts down I saw this very same person express interest in finding a “big boy to keep him warm”. He primarily dates larger men and finds the body type to be sexually appealing yet he KNEW how hurtful something like that could be to someone who is stigmatized so he used it as ammo. Sexual/romantic attraction does not an ally make.

Of course oppressive behavior does not always show up in the form of intentionally offensive or hurtful language. More common, I would argue, is the refusal to acknowledge one’s own privilege and/or historical and systemic occurrences that have led to issues that a certain demographic is facing. This brings me to a white woman that I know who, in spite of exclusively dating black men, engages in very problematic and reductionist language when it comes to issues of race in America. First of all, she refuses to acknowledge the fact that the criminal justice system is biased against black males–citing “personal responsibility” for the primary reason that so many young black men are in prison. Moreover, she does not see her family’s disapproval of her dating black men as racist. They have a problem with who she dates before she ever brings them home simply because of their skin color but that’s not racist because they have “black friends”. Regardless of the fact that she finds black men physically and romantically attractive, she is still heavily invested in white supremacy. Once again, sexual romantic attraction does not an ally make.

I think, sometimes, people who have been oppressed and/or stigmatized often feel honored by any sort of attention from their privileged counterpart. Shit, I saw a larger gay man tell a chaser–thin man who likes big men–“thank you” for merely being attracted to, not him specifically, but big men in general. Because of the feeling of worthiness that marginalized people get from being embraced–in any way– by “mainstream” people, we often will stamp the “ally” seal on just about anyone who shows any type of interest in us. It has to stop. Wanting to fuck or date a fat person, a trans person, or a person of color does not take away the privilege of a thin person, a cis person or a white person nor does it take away his or her capacity to be oppressive.