Pentecostal Teen Finally Receives Gift Of Faking Tongues

KANSAS CITY, MO—The young man was expected to begin speaking in heavenly languages as a verifiable seal of his salvation beginning around age six—but after much disappointment and many years of faith, prayer, perseverance, and practice mimicking the adults he observed at his charismatic church each Sunday, local teen Lewis Strahan, 16, has finally been blessed with the gift of faking tongues.

“Though he excelled early at describing intricate, wild fantasies as ‘visions from the Lord’ and ‘prophecies,’ it took Lewis forever to understand the proper way to feign speaking in tongues,” Strahan’s mother told reporters Friday. “He would be able to execute a half dozen solid syllables but then he would just repeat them over and over and over—it sounded totally forced and inauthentic.”

“Plus, the tongue roll has been tripping him up for years,” she added.

Strahan’s father confirmed the struggle young Lewis has fought through. “He was all vowels for so long. It sounded like an opera or something. We’re just glad he’s mastered this now, finally, so we can be sure of his salvation.”

At publishing time, Strahan had begun to practice his next big challenge: being “slain in the Spirit.”

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee