“I Feel Things! Make It Stop!” Says Jared Kushner

Mar 26, 2018

I don’t like this!

It's creeping in at kind of an angle. Through the top of my head. Through the tips of my toes. All around me. Who is me? Where do I begin and end?

What do I do?

Somebody call the police. Somebody call a therapist. I need a pill. I need a priest. I need to make it stop stop stop STOP!

Not now not now. I have trained my whole life in the roboarts. Not now! It's all gone so well on paper. My career. Ivanka. My father-in-law.

But now… a sensation like when I was a child.... sensations everywhere. Oh, they make me so uncomfortable. Oh no oh no oh no.

I cannot control them! I wish to smash things and cry. I wish to split myself from myself. I wish to deny them all. Deny I will! They do not exist. We are a rational society.

Angel of mercy, give me control. Disconnect me from such stimuli. Boil away from me any last flavor and spice and salt until all that's left is a overcooked potato, yes so bland, but one I can mold into a faceless Mr. Potato Head. Just a mold of beautiful white perfect starch. I need you now, Isaac Newton.

For I am the face behind this Reality TV administration. I am America. I must maintain at all costs. I must!

They've given my struggle many names, some compiled into large tomes of mental and physical illness. Such a pity. So much suffering. Oh how I wish it could stop. Oh how I wish we could all be well. Oh how I get lost counting these names.

I feel things! Make it stop!