

While working on Monday's post, I came across the Thana Sutta, a fascinating teaching on relationship. In this text, the Buddha describes how to discover the traits of our companions.

His basic approach goes like this:

It's through living together that a person's virtue may be known, and then only after a long period, not a short period; by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; by one who is discerning, not by one who is not discerning.

These are the preconditions for deeply knowing another. (Of course, the same preconditions apply for knowing the self.) It takes time and effort.

Many of us have experienced the rush of good feelings that come early in a relationship - adoration and desire that light up the world.

It turns out, of course, that many of these feelings arise from the projection of our own needs onto another - we're masters at shaping experience.

However, the rush also stems from something equally insidious - the capacity within us to manipulate others, for crafting an image that presents only our "good side." This distorts the early days of a relationship into a hall of mirrors, fabricated to prevent the other from getting a good look.

However, if we can stay put - living together for a long period - then a different view inevitably appears: a good look at the other. We might also get a good look at ourselves.

And, as this deeper insight develops, loss enters the relationship. Ah . . . what happened to that person I loved?

In the Thana Sutta, the Buddha is pretty darn blunt about what gets revealed with the passage of time. Of the person who lacks virtue, he says:

This person has been torn, broken, spotted, splattered in his actions. He hasn't been consistent in his actions. He hasn't practiced consistently with regard to the precepts. He is an unprincipled person, not a virtuous, principled one.

Sound familiar?

Who among us is not torn, broken, spotted and splattered? Who among us is consistent and principled?

Who among us wishes to see this about ourselves?

Yet the work of love requires this clear-eyed view into the self. And, when we can see ourselves this clearly, we might then also see the other.

Without this attentive discernment, we will surely experience loss. Even with such awareness, we will surely experience loss.

But, perhaps, something precious will also be gained.