1. Nightwatch Brigade Insignia

Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping

2. Alex Jones Award For Excellence In Opportunism, Sweaty Ambition, And Cognitive Dissonance

3. Loyal Patriot Badge

Bought 10 fake medals, got this one free

4. Strong America Good Award

Defended the president on tv in a shamefully transparent attempt to curry favor, which worked, because of course it did

5. Honor Country Service Withhold Water From Prisoners Until They Die Award

6. The Vigilant Patriot Honor

Went three years without blinking

7. Purple Dilbert

Made Scott Adams seem relatively inane

8. Courage Under Fire Medal

Sustained numerous injuries while attempting to don an oversized cowboy hat, the inside of which had been lined with fake medals

9. USA USA USA

Granted for putting on an air of surety and toughness that shows he definitely isn't an insecure idiot

10. The Freedom Award For Distinguished Plagiarism

11. The Brave Patriot Cross

Called for an uprising when Obama was president, then successfully kept a straight face while claiming that Trump critics need to be suppressed



12. Eagle Freedom Non-Participation Award

The highest honor bestowed upon dutiful Americans for never serving in the military

13. Sheriff's Badge

One of these things must be real so I'm guessing it's this one, but I might be giving the guy too much credit

14. Seriously, Nice Job Making Prisoners Under Your Care Die Award

15. Joe the Plumber Medal of Honor

16. Freedom Veteran Badge

Served twenty tours of duty as a talking head on cable news without deploying a single reasonable or coherent point

17. Charlie's Rest Stop Steakhouse Medal of Accomplishment

You ate the whole thing - gristle and all - in under an hour... nice job!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)