Tis the season to hear bullsh*t

The transfer window is again upon us. To the non-connoisseurs out there, this means that you will have two and a half months with pretty much nothing happening other than tabloid paper talk equating to guesswork. There will then be a period of two weeks where the whole of football goes batsh*t mental, Manchester City start chucking some cash around and the viewing figures for Sky Sports News goes up by about 9300%.

Here at OTP we are a kind bunch, so rather than you having to wade through the coded messages from agents, players and the media you can simply print out our fifteen transfer window clichés and their real meaning:

15. Needs regular first team football

After two years earning upwards of forty thousand dobs a week for sitting on a bench, player has realised that he is getting a reputation for not caring whether he plays or not. Must move in order to prolong career-earning potential. See Bendtner, Nicklas and Jo.

14. One for the future

Club have taken a punt by providing a lower league/foreign club with the money to survive for three more seasons. An additional secret motivation to simply stop rivals purchasing said player. Player may progress, but is equally likely to be released two years down the line. See Taiwo, Tom.

13. Versatile

Reserve. See O’Shea, John.

12. Can do a job

Will only be allowed to show that he can do anything approaching a job if there are significant injuries within the squad. The ‘can do a job’ principle is the epitome of the notion of quantity over quality. See Guthrie, Danny.

11. Attracting attention from a number of Premier League clubs

The player’s agent is perfectly prepared to whore out his client to anyone in England to gain a payoff, and the words are used in order to spark an auction to raise the transfer fee. See Gervinho and Diarra, Lassana.

10. Impressive goalscoring record

Describes a striker being purchased from a foreign country (traditionally Eastern European) that has reached the age of 24 and earned his shot at the big time. Whilst he will have scored twenty league goals the previous season, this will have been in a league in which defenders are as lacklustre as they are agricultural. Treat aforementioned goalscoring record with caution. See Kezman, Mateja and Kalinic, Nikola.

9. Player is currently considering his options

The mantra of the agent. Player has not currently received any offers other than one from his present club. If the player receives any offer which increases his wage, he will leave the club.

8. Bryan Swanson has obtained an interview with…

Bryan Swanson (Sky Sport News stalker extraordinaire) is indeed interviewing a player who is likely to be moving clubs. However widen the definition of ‘obtained’ to include simply standing outside a training ground for periods of up to seventeen hours, squawking uncontrollably when any personalised number plate drives past.

7. Much travelled forward

Two possibilities:

1. Journeyman. Old. Last scored more than ten goals in a season in the same season he had more than 20 starts, 2001/2. See Phillips, Kevin.

2. Played for a host of clubs because, despite talent, he is a dislikeable little sod who makes more friends than enemies at clubs. See Bellamy, Craig and Diouf, El-Hadji.

6. Exclusive

Liberally used at the best of times, during the transfer window it is chucked about more than Jodie Marsh. Tabloid newspaper will regurgitate old story, adding a miniscule twist or quote (fabricated). See Mail, Daily for worst offences.

5. Failure to agree personal terms

Club estimated player to be worth £29,000 a week

Player estimated player to be worth £49,000 a week

See N’Zogbia, Charles.

4. Source close to the player

Possibly cousin, at best. More than likely to be an ex-friend of the player, or indeed an associate of the player’s agent, instructed by said agent to release the story.

3. “At this stage of my career”

“I can’t actually believe that this club has come in for me, as I was expecting a move to less-auspicious climes. I understand that I will almost certainly play very few games, but it more than feeds my gambling addiction”. See Owen, Michael.

2. The transfer window has slam shut

No you’re not going deaf. There was no slamming sound. The clock merely ticked over to midnight, and it is time for bed. You will wake up in the morning to discover six more transfers went through afterwards anyway.

1. Triffic player

Whoever he is managing, Harry Redknapp is on the prowl. This phrase will be uttered whilst leaning out of a car window. Important to note that any player discussed at these times will certainly not be signed.