HOUSTON—Frustrating all those in attendance at Thursday night’s game between the Oakland Athletics and the Houston Astros, a local dumbfuck shown on the stadium’s Jumbotron decided to wait until the last goddamn second before waving to the camera, sources confirmed today.


According to a multitude of spectators present at Houston’s Minute Maid Park, the total dipshit was observed frittering away the vast majority of the narrow window of time in which he was displayed on the ballpark’s video board, seemingly unaware that tens of thousands of people were waiting for him to wave, smile, give a thumbs-up, or just do something, for Christ’s sake.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” said ticket holder Scott McDowell upon spotting the unidentified idiot featured on the large high-definition monitor who was completely fucking oblivious to the fact that he had suddenly become the focal point of the entire stadium. “You only get a few seconds on the Jumbotron and you’re going to spend them staring off into space as if you don’t have a care in the world? Pull your head out of your ass, buddy.”


“This is fucking unbelievable,” McDowell added.

Irritated onlookers confirmed that the total shit-for-brains appeared to be a white, middle-aged man evidently incapable of noticing the numerous indicators that his stupid-ass mug was appearing on the stadium’s 45-foot-wide outdoor video screen.


Several reports verified that the clueless bastard continued to zone out like he wasn’t on the fucking Jumbotron despite efforts by a nearby individual attempting to alert the numbnuts by lighting tugging on his shirt, a man popping his head into the video screen frame and sticking out his tongue, and the growing roar of the entire goddamn crowd.

Furthermore, countless individuals pointed out that no one else who had previously appeared on the screen over the course of the ongoing break between the fourth and fifth innings needed any help doing what you’re supposed to do when you’re lucky enough to get on the big board.


This reportedly included the group of kids enthusiastically jumping and gesticulating in the right field bleachers, a pudgy, shirtless fan wiggling his belly, and an elderly couple wearing matching Scott Feldman jerseys, none of whom required more than half a second before they got with the fucking program.

“Come on, genius, get your shit together,” onlooker Natalie Salinas told reporters moments after a brightly colored “Look Up!” text overlay appeared beneath the unobservant moron’s simulcast image. “It’s been almost 10 seconds now, and he’s just lounging around like we’ve got all damn day for him to give us a wave and maybe a quick wink. Well, we don’t.”


According to exasperated witnesses, as more and more seconds ticked by without the stupid prick moving his gaze 18 inches to the left and noticing that—surprise, surprise—his big dopey face was being broadcast to a ballpark full of people, many predicted that the Jumbotron operator would be more than willing to cut his losses and leave the dimwit in the dust where he belonged.

And that would serve him fucking right, sources noted.

“At this point, he’s not going to salvage this one even if he jumps out of his seat and does the goddamn Nae Nae for these people,” said attendee Luis Montoya. “The most frustrating part about this is that I would kill to be on that screen right now. Everyone here would; people dream about this moment. And there he is without a care in the world, just eating up the clock like none of this matters. It’s infuriating.”


“Honestly, the best we can hope for now is that he happens to finally get his head out of the clouds and give us some halfhearted wave that the camera cuts away from while his hand is still hanging in the air,” Montoya continued.

At press time, yep, that’s exactly what happened. Great. Just fucking great.