"Ivan is a great guy. Guns are neat. We need more of them to protect us from terrorists and people who aren't white," stated President Trump to The Nutmeg News. "This program is the best. It shows why my poll numbers are greater than Jesus. I might be Jesus. Guns for everyone!"

Department officials with the National Rifle Association say that Savvidis will head up the Guns On Fields program as a way to arm all MLS owners.

"We feel that the only way to stop the incessant violence on the field is if all owners and players are carrying handguns," stated NRA spokesman Ian Michael Douche. "We must arm Merritt Paulson, Robb Heineman, and Arthur Blank with Glock hand guns and AR-15 rifles. More guns on fields, more owners and players with guns will level the playing field against the constant barrage of terrorist attacks and home invasions that our nations soccer fields currently have to suffer from places like Chicago.... a notoriously gun free place."

NRA statisticians say that their plan is to outfit all players and owners in MLS with guns and then move on to arming all MLB and Hockey players. The organization remains tight lipped on whether this program will extend to the NBA.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the check clears.