// review by SoyBomb Cat's out of the bag and into the bargain bin. In Japan, Culture Publishers (and later D3 Publisher) released a series of budget titles for the PlayStation (and a variety of consoles, including the PlayStation 2, PSP, Dreamcast, Nintendo DS, and the Wii), all under the "Simple" moniker. The PlayStation series was called "Simple 1500", the 1500 representing the cost of each game (1500 yen, which was indeed relatively cheap compared to full-priced retail games at the time). The games were developed by a variety of smaller companies, and the Simple series was a great way to give the little guys a voice, a method similar to the modern Steam/PSN/XBLA/eShop. Some of these games made it overseas thanks to a few gung-ho American and European publishers who saw promise in this little titles, the most prolific at the time being Agetec. D3 Publisher actually released a short-lived series of games centered around the Hello Kitty franchise, believe it or not! Let's take a look at all four of the Simple 1500 Hello Kitty Series games. Simple 1500 Hello Kitty Series Vol. 1: Hello Kitty Bowling Whenever I think of playful cuddly kitten girls with flat feet in little overalls, it really makes me want to go bowling. Well, thank the good people at Tamsoft for finally making my humble dream a reality. It's Hello Kitty Bowling, the game where you get to star as Kitty and knock down those pins! But I am sad to report that Hello Kitty Bowling is nothing more than a re-skin of Simple 1500 Series Vol. 18 - The Bowling, a game I've already said a mouthful about. It's more or less the same, but with Kitty faces plastered all over the menus and the bowling alley itself. As well, as you line yourself up before you roll the ball, you get to see Kitty from behind. Ain't that just beautiful. There are two ways to play here. One mode is the typical bowling style we've all come to know and periodically love. You can customize the level of power with which you roll, the angle which you roll the ball down the lane, and even the angle in which you STAND. Heck, you can even choose your own bowling ball before playing. That's not bad, although seeing a bowling ball suddenly turn itself in a new direction is bizarre. The other mode has you try to knock down specific pin setup patterns, a feat later introduced in Wii Sports. Unfortunately, Hello Kitty Bowling, like its budget source material, is lacking in the presentation department. I don't know why Kitty is in a bowling alley with only one lane and literally nothing surrounding it except dark space. Furthermore, there isn't even any MUSIC in this game. Even bowling alleys play antiquated Loggins and Messina tunes now and again. Everything feels so sterile, so uninviting, and that's contradictory to the Hello Kitty mantra! As well, it just gets boring after the first minute or so. Total gutterball, dude.

Cats can bowl now. Simple 1500 Hello Kitty Series Vol. 2: Hello Kitty Illust Puzzle Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the great Random.Accini to perform some truly wonderful magic for you: the amazing Illust Puzzle trick! You shall notice that there is nothing up my sleeve because I'm not even wearing a shirt! Thus, I shall place the enchanted handkerchief over my barren palm, and with an enchanting of the all-important magic words — Tamsin, Tamsoon, Tamsoft! — and what shall appear when I lift the handkerchief is—ah, man, it's a picross game with no background music. Bawwwww... I've definitely torn more than a few head hairs out with other picross games before, so I know exactly what to expect. You get a grid, ranging anywhere from a simple 5x5 to an overwhelming 20x020, and a time limit. You have to use the numbers on the sides along each row and column to figure out which squares in the grid need to be filled in to create a picture at the end. It's a simple concept that yields some mind-numbing puzzles and results. That is definitely the case here. Early puzzles are heartbreakingly easy (plus they give you a half-hour to finish a puzzle with only 25 squares total in it), but as you move on to the tougher stages, the simplicity wears off, and you have to bring out those wits you thought you left behind in Grade 12 Math class. Once you get to the 20x20, Illust Puzzle is very generous in giving you NINETY MINUTES . That's the longest I have ever seen allowed for a picross puzzle, and if you really need that length of time, then picross mayyyy not be right for you. Ask your doctor if Hello Kitty Illust Puzzle is right for you. The most common side effects with Hello Kitty Illust Puzzle are: headache, indigestion, arthritis, knee pain, thigh pain, hip pain, pain in the neck, groin pain, Growing Pains on DVD, a high enthusiasm for cheese, muscle aches, swimmer's ear, athlete's foot, athlete's ear, cornucopia syndrome, dizziness, fatigue, a spontaneous love of poetry, fever, a corkscrew tail, and lower back pain. These effects should subside within 24 to 48 hours. Call your video game provider if you receive any side effects that prohibit your daily routines for a significant amount of time. Another side effect is gas.

Cats can solve puzzles now. Simple 1500 Hello Kitty Series Vol. 3: Hello Kitty Block Kuzushi We meet again... Block Kuzushi... Anyone with a good grasp of gaming history will know Block Kuzushi by its more Americanized names, such as Breakout or Arkanoid. It's that type of game: you have a bunch of blocks just hanging in mid-air, and you use a bouncing ball to destroy all of them to progress to the next level. To keep it from falling into the abyss below, you get a paddle to scroll left and right so you can keep that ball going. The original Simple 1500 Series Vol. 14: The Block Kuzushi, upon which this game is based, was a fairly simplistic but lovable little game. It had a black background that charmed the pants off no one, but some of the actual brick configurations were rather cute, like the chickadee made with yellow and orange blocks. In comes Kitty, and she definitely brightens up our day with a variety of whimsical backgrounds sporting snappy slogans such as "There's a spot in my heart for your smile ♥" and "Good health starts with cleanliness." Great. NOW you tell me. I've been living in my own filth for decades! No wonder I have daily heart failure. But all these cute backdrops come at a price: the brick layouts are boring as heck. Plus, some of them even have special blocks with arrows that force your ball to move in a specific direction. That can be frustrating when it's right in the way of the last breakable block on screen. And then there's Kitty with her ENORMOUS parasol sufficing as a paddle. Let's push aside the fact that it's wide as an elephant with pool cues taped to its ears, but her umbrella is actually higher up the screen than most Breakout clone games I've ever encountered. This makes things really awkward, especially when some puzzles start pretty much right above you. Reflexes are a must when it will bounce off something as soon as you let go of the ball for the first time. And I left my reflexes... in Saaaaan Fraaaaanciscoooooo... ♬ Plus, some of the blocks actually move under their own power, a trick I also had not yet seen before. It's a fun little game with branching paths after each set of five rounds, giving you some variety in the types of boards you encounter during each playthrough. Hello Kitty Block Kuzushi: Classic game play with a pink bow accessory.

Cats can break down walls now... of society's ills. Simple 1500 Hello Kitty Series Vol. 4: Hello Kitty Trump Perhaps one of Donald Trump's long-lost relatives? Actually, it's a collection of card games featuring Hello Kitty and her pals, all of which look just like her except with a different coloured dress. (So THAT'S how you tell those little rascals apart!) But considering there are quite a number of card games available, one of which I swear is blackjack (reading Japanese is not my strong suit — in fact, I don't even own a suit), one question remains: are the Kitty gang GAMBLING now? A few games of Go Fish or Old Maid might be pretty harmless, but I think I played some blackjack and poker amongst all the cute backgrounds and polka dot fairy dresses. What kind of message is this sending to young children? It probably should be saying, "Don't buy terrible Simple 1500 games, kids!" In essence, this should primarily appeal to fans of card games more than Hello Kitty aficionados, but somehow, somewhere, somewhat, someone decided that the Hello Kitty brand would be perfect for this. There's likely a Hello Kitty face on every possible product imaginable. Hello Kitty lamp? You bet. Hello Kitty tweezers? Yes, these exist, too. Hello Kitty toilet seat? Nah, they wouldn't go... that... faaaaaaaar?!?! Okay, now they're just overreaching their licensing boundaries. Well... at least there aren't any Hello Kitty feminine hygiene products... NO NO NO NO NO. This can't be happening! Down, Sanrio, DOWN, boy! Ugh, where's my bullwhip when I need it? This beast must be tamed!! ...errr, it's a bunch of card games. Half of them I couldn't figure out what the heck I was doing because everything's in Japanese, and the actions available didn't match up with any games I instantly recognize. If you pretend the Kitty bunch is not there, this could bring you hour of fun. No, the lack of pluralization isn't an error. At least this one has relaxing music in the background.

Cats can gamble now. Been legal in Las Vegas for twelve years, actually. Hello, Hello Kitty! Hello dear friend!

Thanks for giving us boring games! And now it's the end!