Built on the ubiquitous Mitsubishi GS platform, the Jeep Compass is most commonly known as the car that makes you think “Why the fuck didn’t they just buy a Lancer?” whenever you see a sentient being complete idiot behind the wheel of it. Now, is the Compass really as awful as the terms “Jeep” and “Compact Crossover SUV” would imply, or is it a brilliant work of automotive engineering? Join me on my journey to the 2014 USGP to find out.

(Disclaimer: Jeep wanted me to drive the 2013 Compass Sport so badly that they gave one to Avis Car Rental for free, probably after it sat unsold at a Jeep dealership for a couple of years. In turn, the Avis Car Rental at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport Austin “upgraded” me to the Compass from whatever less-terrible vehicle I had selected online. They also put my name up on a big sign in the parking lot. That was nice of them.)

How, you may ask, did I end up reviewing a 2013 Jeep Compass Sport? Well, like most horrible things, it all started out with goddamn Bernie Ecclestone. Like many of you, I wanted to attend the Formula 1 race at Circuit of the Americas this year. Unfortunately, I live in California, which meant that in addition to buying tickets, I had to book a flight, find a place to stay, and rent a car. I managed two of those three things, receiving a 66.6% (a solid D for those of you who fancy letter grades) for my efforts.

To be fair, I thought I was 100% successful until I got to the rental car pickup lot. Upon arrival, I was greeted by a state-of-the-art digital display with my name and stall G11 listed next to it.

Feeling quite important (as I should) I scurried excitedly towards G11. That’s when I saw it sitting there. A fucking Jeep Compass. “How bad could it be?” I said to myself, with hubris reminiscent of that one girl who announced “I don’t think I can get pregnant anyway!” right before getting into the hot tub with half of your high school football team. (Hint: Despite her cheerful confidence, you saw her on the Maury Show about a year later.)

When you first lay eyes on it, you’ll know that the Jeep Compass wasn’t designed by a human being. It was clearly smashed together from a bin of leftover Chrysler parts using some complex penny-saving algorithm. There’s just no way something with eyeballs and a conscience could have come up with this. (Spoiler: It’s even worse to drive.) I might as well start giving out ratings at this point…

Exterior – 3/10

I’m being incredibly generous here. If you can help it, try to avoid looking at it from the back or side. It looks like it’s been bolted together from at least 12 other cars, and has more uneven body panel gaps than your average stanced-out B5 Audi S4.

Interior – 4/10

Well, it has one! Like the exterior, it’s scavenged from a bunch of Chrysler applications that I can assume date as far back as 1978. Bonus points for the weird shelf above the glove compartment that can comfortably hold a bottle of tequila, salt, a few limes, and some shot glasses. Minus points because most of it fell apart and/or started to rattle within a few days of driving.

Acceleration & Gearbox – 1/10

It’s impossible to comment on one without the other. The Compass Sport comes with a 158 horsepower 2.0 liter engine, attached to a tragic CVT transmission that drives the front wheel(s). Aside from being loud and obnoxious, the CVT is terribly slow to react. It’s also unnerving watching the tach sit at 6,000 RPM as the car continues to accelerate, well, sort of.

Alright, I don’t think the typical Jalopnik review format is working for this. It’s a terrible car, but is it good at Jeep stuff?

Trail Rated – 9/10

Of course it’s Trail Rated! It’s a Jeep! Not convinced? Look at those goats. They’re fucking impressed by the Compass Sport’s off-road capabilities. Still not convinced? Take a look at the video below, highlighting its rock-crawling prowess. Majestic.

Despite the small, underpowered four-cylinder engine and abysmal acceleration, the Compass only mustered an average of 16.3 MPG on our trip. Maybe that’s because the CVT transmission was about to explode. Regardless, fuel consumption was pretty Jeep-like! Points given where they’re deserved.

Empty Can Disposal – 10/10

One thing you’ll notice about the rental Compass was that the hood weighed in at approximately 12,000 pounds. We can only assume that this is the Jeep engineers’ “Kids with Crayons” department’s attempt at preventing the awful noises that the four-cylinder engine makes from escaping the engine bay. While it fails miserably at that, the lack of hood struts combined with its formidable weight makes for one of the most impressive can-crushing devices we’ve ever seen.

If you get the shot just right…

…but not really.

Shitty Headlights – 10/10

If you replaced them with dollar store birthday candles, you’ll see a marked improvement in nighttime vision. Notice that the interior dome light is brighter than the headlights.

Check Engine Light On – 4/10

Surprisingly, it took a little bit of work to get this to turn on. Disappointing.

Park On Top of Shit – 6/10

Between the finicky CVT and open front diff, it can get a bit tricky. The key is momentum, but then you run the risk of looking like you accidentally parked on top of shit. Every bro knows that you want to park on top of shit slowly and deliberately, so that non-Jeep drivers are made aware that you meant to park on top of that shit.

Total – 59/100 – Jeep-tastic!

It’s a Jeep Compass. What did you expect? Here’s a picture of a delicious burger.

tl;dr – The Jeep Compass is probably the worst car I’ve ever driven, and I’ve driven some pretty awful cars. I (still) have no idea what would compel someone to buy one.