Welcome to another Wildcard Wednesday! Today’s post is centered around another not-so-forgotten sitcom: Friends. (Which seems to still be playing day and night across the country.) Since it’ll be a LONG time before we reach 1994 on Situation Comedy Tuesdays, I want to give my Friends fans (of whom I know there are a lot!) something special. Today we’ll be featuring an episode that you’ve likely never even heard about. Why? Because it was retitled and rewritten after the table read!

First, I must preface today’s post by explaining my overall thoughts on the series itself. I’ve been a Friends fan for a long time; it was the first show that started my massive sitcoms-on-DVD collection. I loved Friends. But as I matured and became exposed to other, and ultimately better, shows, my taste for Friends began to sour. I found that the characters would seemingly progress and then regress. Now, Friends is a sitcom and character growth isn’t something that is of utmost importance. Laughter, comedy, funny – that’s the priority – right? Absolutely. But when a show sets up characters in a way that intends and promises growth, it is necessary that the writers deliver. And they did… for a few seasons. I think Season Four marked a big turning point in the way the characters were written. Half-assed stories and easy jokes became the order of the day and all character development seemed stymied. Episodes seemed to hinge on whatever gimmicky cliffhanger they were either building to or resolving. The one good thing to come out of these middle seasons was the relationship between Monica and Chandler, which seemed to fit the show and gave the writers MILES of opportunity in terms of story. The show ran, essentially, two seasons longer than it should have. (As a lot of shows do.) In those final two years, the issues I mentioned above became increasingly evident and the show was… well… stupid is the only word I can think of to describe the series.

I don’t want it to appear like I’m turning my nose up at Friends, because I’m not. However, what bothers me is the unanimous praise the show seemed to garner. It set a template (along with Seinfeld) for new sitcoms about single characters who could sit around and play whatever story the writers wanted to tell — regardless of character. Story for story’s sake. And not one story per episode. Oh, NO. Three stories per episode. In the ’50s, sitcoms ran about 26 minutes and featured one story per week. Friends ran about 22 minutes and featured THREE stories. That’s a little over seven minutes given to each story. Less entertaining, I feel (but your mileage may vary) and much harder to keep up. Friends produced 236 episodes over ten seasons. With three stories per episode, that comes to approximately 708 stories. I give the writers credit for coming up with over 700 new stories. But less is always more… And stories should ALWAYS arise from the characters themselves. Which means, the better defined your characters are, the better your series will be.

Okay. I’m done ragging Friends. It IS a successful series. Why? Because it still makes us laugh. It may be trite, overblown, and stupid at times. But it can make me laugh-out-loud. For a sitcom, that’s the most important thing.

On to today’s main feature…

In 2007, I purchased the script for a Friends episode I’d never heard of before. It was called, “The One Where Jetlag Wins.” To my delight, it turned out to be the table draft of 10×15: “The One Where Estelle Dies.” For those who don’t remember, the stories in this episode were as such: Ross tries to get Rachel to go back to Ralph Lauren, Joey doesn’t know that his agent has died, and Monica and Chandler bump into Janice at the house next door. In the commentary for “The One Where Estelle Dies,” the executive producers recalled throwing out a Ross/Rachel story (where they went to Paris to consider Rachel’s move) and putting in a new one after the table read. This one about Ross’ attempts to keep Rachel from leaving. The script that I purchased featured the original story. Here, I present to you all the cuts and changes from that initial table draft, entitled “The One Where Jetlag Wins.”

(Well, the Teaser is pretty much the same except for a few lines here and there. It doesn’t really change until…)

PHOEBE

Wow. Are you really okay with this?

CHANDLER

It makes me feel sad, but also-

PHOEBE

Talking to Ross.

CHANDLER

I see.

ROSS

It’s not ideal. But we’ve worked out a schedule for Emma that I feel okay about. And I’m going with Rachel to Paris this weekend to look into nannies.

(The teaser basically ends the same. Then… )

ACT ONE

SCENE B

Fade In:

Int. PARIS HOTEL ROOM- A FEW DAYS LATER (Day 2)

(Rachel, Ross)

ROSS AND RACHEL ENTER, CARRYING LUGGAGE. IT’S A LARGE ROOM WITH TWO BEDS. ROSS IS EXCITED, RACHEL IS OVERWHELMED.

ROSS

What a great room.

HE CROSSES OVER AND OPENS THE BLINDS.

ROSS (CONT’D)

And look at that view!

RACHEL

Yeah, I don’t think I can do this.

ROSS

What?

RACHEL

It’s all just so different! If you weren’t with me, I don’t think I could have found my way here on the Metro.

ROSS

Rachel, it’s not that big a deal. It’s like the subway in New York. You ride it all the time.

RACHEL

(COVERING) Yeah, sure. Every day. I took the blue line to… Ralph Lauren station. (GIVING UP) I don’t take the Subway!

ROSS

Well, they have taxis here too.

RACHEL

But how will I tell them where to go? I don’t even speak French.

ROSS

It’ll come back to you. You got A’s in French in high school.

RACHEL

You would have gotten A’s too if you wore skirts as short as I did.

ROSS

I don’t think I would have. (THEN) Come on, you’re going to love it here. (USHERING HER TO THE WINDOW) Just look how beautiful this city is. You can see the Eiffel Tower.

RACHEL

(LOOKING) No, you can’t.

ROSS TAKES A SOUVENIR EIFFEL TOWER OUT OF HIS BAG AND HOLDS IT UP.

ROSS

Now you can.

RACHEL

When did you buy that?

ROSS

In the airport when you went to the bathroom. The same time I bought this.

HE PULLS OUT A BERET AND PUTS IT ON.

RACHEL

Wow. That should keep the girls away.

ROSS

So let’s go. What do you want to do first?

RACHEL

I need a nap before I do anything.

ROSS

Oh, no. We have to stay up until at least ten o’clock. We get a good night’s sleep, we wake up, we’re on Paris time. We’re practically Parisians. We’re not Ross and Rachel, we’re (FRENCH ACCENT) “Ross et Rachel”.

RACHEL

Oh boy, this is going to be a long weekend.

ROSS

Seriously, no naps. You take a nap now, jetlag wins.

RACHEL

(SIGHS) All right, let me just get my coat out of my bag and we can go.

SHE CROSSES THE ROOM TO HER SUITCASE AND OPENS IT.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

I just have to find it. I let Monica pack for me. It makes her so happy.

SHE PULLS OUT A COAT, TURNS BACK TO ROSS.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

Okay, so where do you want to go fir-

SHE SEES THAT ROSS IS LYING ON THE BED, DEAD ASLEEP.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

And jetlag wins.

SHE GOES OVER TO THE SLEEPING ROSS, TAKES THE BERET OFF HIS HEAD, THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW, CLOSES THE BLINDS AND GETS INTO HER BED. AND WE…

CUT TO:

Scene C is where the gang back home finds out Estelle has died.

SCENE D

INT. PARIS HOTEL ROOM – LATER (NIGHT 2)

(Rachel, Ross)

ROSS AND RACHEL ARE STILL ASLEEP. ROSS WAKES UP AND REALIZES HE’S BEEN SLEEPING.

ROSS

Damn you, jetlag. (THEN) Rachel, wake up. (OFF HER SLEEPY GROAN) We fell asleep. This is exactly what I said we shouldn’t do.

RACHEL

(HALF ASLEEP) What time is it?

ROSS

(LOOKING AT WATCH) It’s one o’clock. We slept for three hours.

HE OPENS THE BLINDS. IT’S NIGHT OUTSIDE. ROSS STARES AT IT FOR A BEAT.

ROSS (CONT’D)

Yeah, it’s one in the morning. We slept fifteen hours. (LOOKING DOWN, PUZZLED) And that gargoyle is wearing a beret.

RACHEL

(GETTING UP) So, what do we do about your whole “getting on Paris time” thing?

ROSS

Well, we can either try to sleep another seven hours, or get on a plane and fly straight to Tokyo.

RACHEL

I’m starving.

ROSS

I know. I think we’ve missed, like, eight meals.

RACHEL

I’m gonna call room service.

SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND PRESSES THE BUTTON.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

(INTO PHONE, WITH DIFFICULTY)

Bonjour. Je . . .suis – Yes, I’m American. Okay, we need food. (THEN, TO ROSS) He said there are no restaurants open in the area and room service closed five minutes ago.

ROSS

Seriously?

RACHEL

(INTO PHONE) Come on, can’t you scrounge up anything for us? You don’t have to cook it. Just a croissant. Or some cheese. Or, like, one of those fruit tarts.

ROSS

(DYING) Stop naming foods!

RACHEL

(INTO PHONE) Please, we’re starving here. Can’t you help us out? Por favor? (TO ROSS) That did not help. (LISTENS FOR A BEAT, THEN TO ROSS) He’s yelling at me. I want to go home.

ROSS TAKES THE PHONE.

ROSS

(WITH CONFIDENCE) Monsieur, je vous en prie. Nous y apprecierions beaucoup et nous pouvons vous recompenser pour avoir vous genre. (UPBEAT) Merci.

HE HANGS UP AND TURNS TO RACHEL.

ROSS (cont’d)

We’re getting squat.

AND WE . . .

CUT TO:

The next little thing is Phoebe pretending to be Estelle. Then :

SCENE H:

INT. PARIS HOTEL ROOM-LATER (Night 2)

(Rachel, Ross)

RACHEL HAS TAKEN A SHOWER AND IS WEARING A ROBE. ROSS RUNS IN, HIS ARMS FULL OF BOOTY HE’S STOLEN FROM THE HOTEL KITCHEN. THERE ARE A COUPLE BAGUETTES, A BOTTLE OF WINE, AND A NUMBER OF CANS.

RACHEL

Oh my god!

ROSS

The kitchen was unlocked.

RACHEL

Were you nervous?

ROSS

Not that much.

RACHEL

(NOTICING CAN) Is that floor wax?

ROSS

Okay, there may have been some panicking.

RACHEL

But look what you got!

ROSS

Wait.

HE DARTS INTO THE HALL, THEN COMES BACK IN ROLLING AN ENORMOUS WHEEL OF CHEESE.

ROSS (CONT’D)

(OFFERING) Too much cheese, madam?

RACHEL

You are a god to me. (TASTING BAGUETTE) This bread is sooo good.

ROSS

By the way, do you want to know which stuff I hid in my pants on the way up here?

RACHEL

I don’t think I do.

ROSS

Okay! (INDICATING CANS) We also have olives, tuna, artichoke hearts, pate, and cherries soaked in liqueur.

RACHEL

(GENUINE) I think I’m going to cry. So where’s the can opener?

ROSS

(FREEZING) Caaan opener…

RACHEL

You didn’t get a can opener? How are we going to open these?

ROSS THINKS FOR A BEAT, THEN GRABS THE SOVENEIR EIFFEL TOWER AND SLAMS IT INTO ONE OF THE CANS.

ROSS

(VICTORIOUS) Bon appetite!

CUT TO:

Scene J is the scene where Monica and Chandler are at the house next door.

SCENE K

INT. PARIS HOTEL ROOM – LATER (NIGHT 2 )

(Rachel, Ross)

ROSS AND RACHEL ARE ON ONE OF THE BEDS. THEY HAVE THE FOOD SPREAD OUT AROUND THEM. ALL THE CANS ARE NOW OPEN. WITH ALL OF PARIS IN THE BACKGROUND, THE SCENE IS ROMANTIC AND FUN.

RACHEL

(OFFERING BOTTLE) More wine?

ROSS

Oh, yeah.

RACHEL

How’s your poor hand?

ROSS LOOKS AT HIS HAND. THERE IS A CLOTH NAPKIN WRAPPED AROUND IT.

ROSS

Yeah, I think we know why the Eiffel Tower never caught on as a can-opening device.

RACHEL

Here, I’ll feed you. Have you tried this yet?

SHE HOLDS UP SOMETHING ON A PIECE OF BAGUETTE.

ROSS

(WARY) What is it?

RACHEL

Pate and cherries.

ROSS

Mmm. Gross.

RACHEL

It’s good. I swear. Taste it.

ROSS

(PULLING BACK) I don’t think so.

RACHEL

Come on, don’t be a baby. Taste.

ROSS

(MOUTH CLOSED) Mmm-mmm.

RACHEL

(BRINGING IT CLOSER) Taste it!

SHE FORCES IT INTO HIS MOUTH.

ROSS

(PREPARED TO HATE IT) Mmmm . . . (REALIZING IT’S DELICIOUS) Mmmm!

RACHEL

See?

ROSS

That is genius!

RACHEL

Thank you.

ROSS

All right, you cannot tell Monica when we get back, but I think this is the best meal I ever had.

RACHEL

Me, too! Here, have some cheese.

SHE FEEDS HIM ANOTHER BITE. HE SMILES.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

(RE: HIS SMILE) What?

ROSS

Nothing.

RACHEL

(KNOWS BETTER) Why are you smiling?

ROSS

You’re going to be mad.

RACHEL

No, I’m not. Tell me.

ROSS

Every time you lean forward, your robe opens up and I can totally see everything.

RACHEL

(AMUSED) So it’s dinner and a show then.

SHE TIGHTENS HER ROBE. BEAT. RACHEL LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

God, it’s beautiful.

ROSS

We always said we wanted to go to Paris. Why didn’t we?

RACHEL

We were poor and then we broke up.

ROSS

Well, we’ll always have that.

SHE SMILES, THEN TURNS AWAY TO GET MORE FOOD. ROSS LOOKS AT HER IN A WAY HE HASN’T FOR A LONG TIME.

ROSS (CONT’D)

I’m going to miss you.

RACHEL

Hey, I haven’t decided if I’m definitely going yet.

ROSS

You have to go. How many times in your life are you going to get a chance to live in Paris? I wish I could go.

RACHEL

I wish you could, too.

SHE GOES BACK TO PREPARING HER FOOD. BEAT.

ROSS

What if I did?

RACHEL

What?

ROSS

What if I moved to Paris, too?

RACHEL

Are you serious? Is that even a possibility?

ROSS

(IMPETUOUS) Why not? I’ll take a sabbatical for a year. They just gave me tenure. I can do whatever I want.

RACHEL

Oh my god. That would be fantastic! I would feel so much better taking this job. And we’d have so much fun! You have to do it!

ROSS

(CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S SAYING IT) Okay.

RACHEL

Really?

ROSS

Yeah.

RACHEL

(ARMS IN THE AIR) We’re moving to Paris!

ROSS

Show’s back on.

SHE QUICKLY TIGHTENS HER ROBE. THEY HUG AND WE . . .

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

Scene M is a continuation of Scene J. Scene P is the scene where Joey feels guilty about Estelle. It doesn’t change until:

JOEY

Okay, but if she doesn’t, then I’m gonna call her. It’s not just that I feel guilty. I can’t take one more change in my life.

PHOEBE

I know.

SHE GOVES HIM A REASSURING TOUCH. ROSS ENTERS.

ROSS

Hey!

PHOEBE/ JOEY

Hey! Welcome back!

PHOEBE

How was it?

ROSS

Terrific. Really great. (EXCITED) And guess what…I’m moving to Paris.

JOEY STARES AT HIM. THEN JUST WALKS OUT THE DOOR.

ROSS (CONT’D)

He seems happy for us.

PHOEBE

You’re really moving to Paris, too?

ROSS

Yup.

PHOEBE

Is New York suddenly uncool and nobody told me?

ROSS

I’ve just always wanted to live in Europe. And now that I have tenure, I can do whatever I want.

PHOEBE

So you and Rachel must have really had fun.

ROSS

Oh yeah. It was the best.

PHOEBE

I’m sorry. I should’ve been more specific. Did you sleep together?

ROSS

No.

PHOEBE

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

ROSS

Although…

PHOEBE

(PERKING UP) Yes?

ROSS

Never mind.

PHOEBE

Seriously, twelve years of dinosaur stories and this you’re going to “never mind”?

ROSS

It’s like…we were different over there. I don’t know why.

PHOEBE

‘Cause the rest of us weren’t there?

ROSS

Maybe.

THEY BOTH SMILE.

PHOEBE

So do you think, like, something, could happen?

ROSS

I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, the two of us in Paris? Who knows?

PHOEBE

Oh my god! This is so great!

ROSS

(ENJOYING THIS) Easy. Let’s see what happens once we’re there.

PHOEBE

(EXCITED) All right, but if you want, I can talk to Rachel, get a read on her, have the other guys drop some hints about how you feel, then we’ll all report back to you-(HEARING HERSELF) Wow, maybe we really are the problem.

AND WE…

CUT TO:

Scene R is the same scene with Monica and Chandler that happened in the show except they’re in their apartment back in New York.

SCENE T

INT. ACADEMIC OFFICE- LATER (Day 3)

(Ross, Dean)

ROSS HAS JUST TOLD THE DEAN OF FACULTY ABOUT HIS PLANS.

DEAN

You can’t take a year off to go to Paris.

ROSS

(COCKY) Oh, I think I can. I’ve got a little thing called “tenure”.

DEAN

So what?

ROSS

(THROWN BY THIS) I, uh, I kind of thought that meant I could-

DEAN

What? Do whatever you want?

ROSS

(TENTATIVE) Ish.

DEAN

Professor Geller, you are at the bottom of the list of tenured professors who would love nothing more than to spend a year in Paris. You have to wait your turn.

ROSS

Look, this is a very big deal to me. There’s got to be some way-

DEAN

No.

ROSS

What if there’s a professor in Paris who would switch places with–

DEAN

No.

ROSS

What if I-

DEAN

No.

ROSS

Would it make a difference if I told you there’s a woman I’ve been in love with since I was fifteen? (OFF THE DEAN’S LOOK, TO HIMSELF) No means no, Ross!

AND WE…

CUT TO:

Scene W is the scene where Al Zeebooker calls to say Estelle has died. Scene X is a scene with Monica and Chandler at the house. There are some slight changes and no Janice.

SCENE Y

INT. JOEY AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT – LATER (NIGHT 3)

(Joey, Rachel, Ross)

ROSS ENTERS. RACHEL IS THERE. SHE’S HAPPY, FLYING.

ROSS

Hey.

RACHEL

Bonjour! Well, I did it. I officially took the job today. I am so excited! Knowing you’re going to be there makes it perfect.

SHE HUGS HIM.

ROSS

(TENTATIVE) Yeah, um. . .

RACHEL

Oh, they sent me stuff about apartments. And a map that I do not understand. You are going to be in charge of that.

ROSS

Okay, uh –

RACHEL

Wait. Look what I got us to celebrate. A baguette with pate and cherries. Actually, I couldn’t find pate, so it’s chopped liver. And cherry pie filling. It’s disgusting. I’ll throw it out.

SHE STARTS TO THROW OUT THE FOOD. ROSS STOPS HER.

ROSS

Rach, listen. I’ve got some bad –

RACHEL

(GETTING IT) Oh, no. Nooo. Why?

ROSS

The university won’t let me go.

RACHEL

I though you could do anything you wanted.

ROSS

They gave me tenure, they didn’t make me king. At least, that’s what the Dean of Faculty yelled down the hall after me. (THEN) I’m so, so sorry.

RACHEL

It’s not your fault. I know how much you wanted to go.

SHE HUGS HIM AGAIN. WE SEE HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS FOR HIM. THEN:

RACHEL (CONT’D)

Maybe I won’t go either.

ROSS

What?

RACHEL

Now I can’t imagine doing this without you.

ROSS LOOKS AT HER FOR A BEAT. THEN:

ROSS

You have to go. This is an amazing opportunity. You’re strong enough to do it on your own. You can’t not go because of me.

RACHEL

But –

ROSS

Rach, you’re going.

RACHEL

I guess I’m going then.

HE HUGS HER TIGHTLY. JOEY ENTERS AND SEES THEM.

JOEY

What. . .

ROSS

I’m not going to Paris.

RELIEVED, JOEY JOINS THE HUG. AND WE. . .

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

There is no Teaser.