Turkmenistan- (SMNNN)

In the backward and primitive sand covered land of Turkmenistan, the Portal To Hell, a large super-natural fire filled hole in the ground, powered by the Earth’s release of natural gas, and God’s rage, has increased by 27% in intensity since last year. Faithscientists place the blame squarely on masturbation.

The Portal To Hell formed in 1971, at the height of the Communist Gayosexual Hippie Masturbation Revolution, wherein global Masturbation Residue Film Particles (MRFP) were at a historical high. The MRFP are believed to have both increased pressure in the lower layers of the Earth, known as “The Hells”, and angered Jesus, and therefore, God as well, creating a fiery hole in the ground. Those same MRFP are believed to be agitating the Portal To Hell today. Many similar holes in the ground have been proven to be caused by the environmental damage of masturbation, but the Portal to Hell is believed to be the only one that is currently perpetually on fire.

B.L.U.F.F. Faithscientists warn that similar masturbation holes could burst into flames at any moment. Says Dr Skippy Enis, ” Sure, well, one is already on fire. It’s really only a matter of time before the rest are. Y’know, because of masturbators. ”

The Portal To Hell has increased in fire-intensity by 31% , and over 6% in concentrated guilty evil, in the last two years