Trawling the streets of Hobart in search of burgers can be like blindfolded truffle hunting in the local dog park. Every so often you come across a real stinker!!

Moonah is fast becoming burger central in the best way possible; Red Jaffa, Albert Road Store, Tabasco, Darcy’s…so it made perfect sense to add Gormanston Road Takeaway to that list!

All the requisite boxes had been ticked; blue-collar heartland, shop front painted a garish shade of tomato, and fluoro texta advertising potato cakes ‘3 for $2’ that took me on a reluctant trip down memory lane to the Robert Miles-inspired glowstick raves of my teen years at Heaven nightclub!

Dripping with promise, yet ultimately just as depressing as Heaven at 10am in the morning with the lights on. I was greeted by the holy trinity of takeaway; a bain marie, a sucrose laden shelf within easy reach of the kids, and the dulcet tones of Bold and the Beautiful reminding me of my inadequacies in the art of seduction.

The picture of a burger on the side of the building was so alluring, complete with luscious green lettuce, juicy ripe tomato and a thick beef patty just asking to be devoured.

The reality? Well, how about you make up your own mind…

I asked for a ‘burger with the lot’ expecting perhaps a 10 minute wait while my order was freshly sliced, grilled and assembled.

Noooo…silly child. From the darkest depths of the bain marie was plucked what shall be forever remembered as the ‘Dank Burger’.

Sweating mightily under the glow of the electric lamp, this burger had clearly punished itself with a lap or two of Gormanston Road before I stepped through the doors. A moist sheen, clinging delicately to the plastic wrap in which it was so safely ensconced, like the top lip of an overeager teen on his first date.

Once unleashed from its bondage, the disappointment was palpable. A burger with the lot?! A lot of what?

Misery, perhaps. I didn’t even need to make use of my second hand to count the ingredients; beef patty (thank you Woollies), fried onion, roughly chopped bacon (using the phrase ‘roughly chopped’ takes it to a whole new level of gourmet don’t you think?), lashings of salty brown sauce that some may claim as BBQ, and the piece de resistance, a cheese and bacon bun!! As bad as this burger was, they do score extra points for innovation. Genius with a capital ‘J’.

But wait, there’s more!! You’d think that would be sufficient fodder for a blog writing burger fiend, but no, to top it all off the napkin had been sitting twixt plastic and cheese bun for so long that the paper had actually stuck permanently to a chunk of the yellow gold!!

I tried in vain to pull the napkin away, succeeding only in making it look like the burger had started shaving for the first time…

Overall?

Dank. Very dank…

If you too would like to share my pain, you can find these guys at 35 Gormanston Rd, Moonah.

Score?

Taste – 1.5/5

Patty – 1/5

Bun – 2/5

Ingredients – 1.5/5

Condiments – 1/5

Presentation – 1/5

Stuffable* – Yes

Value – 1/5

*Can you stuff it in your face without a knife and fork?

One clown because I haven’t yet come down with an unexplained illness. Half a clown for the cheese bun.

White Collar Burgers

1. Mohr and Smith – 5/5

2. The Standard – 4.5/5

3. The Winston – 4.5/5

4. The Homestead – 4/5

5. Tasman Quartermasters – 4/5

6. Chrome – 3.5/5

7. Crumb Street Kitchen – 3/5

8. Moots in Kahoots at the Naked Bike Cafe – 3/5

9. pOp Cafe – 3/5

10. Burger Haus – 2.5/5

11. Burger Got Soul – 2/5

12. The Squire’s Bounty – 1.5/5

Blue Collar Burgers

1. Red Jaffa – 4.5/5 (these guys are my sentimental favourite, so they get the #1 gig, despite the equal scores!)

2. Albert Road Store – 4.5/5 (get the Two Clowns Burger!!)

3. Budgie Smugglers – 4.5/5

4. Stevo’s Takeaway – 4/5

5. Devil’s Kitchen Cafe – 3.5/5

6. Argyle Take Away – 3.5/5

7. Langridge Store – 3/5

8. Darcy’s Cafe – 3/5

9. Burger Me – 2.5/5

10. Atlantis Takeaway – 2.5/5

11. Gormanston Rd Takeaway – 1.5/5