Sorry ladies, but I have to deny you my essence

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a weird place to visit, filled both with arcane manifestos on the spiritual awakenings that supposedly come from never having orgasms, ever, and enthusiastic testimonials from sperm-filled dudes convinced that their onanistic disipline has caused all the women in their immediate vicinity to lust for them like cats in heat, even though actually having sex with one of these women would destroy their no-orgasm streak and, they fear, transform them back into average schmoes again.

The semen retention “movement,” in case you haven’t encountered it before, is sort of a harder core version of NoFap, its ideology a mixture of ancient Buddhism, modern pseudoscience, and more than a little bit of manosphere nonsense. Whereas NoFappers tend to see themselves as fighters of compulsive masturbation and porn addiction, semen retainers see themselves as spiritual warriors protecting their vital “life-force” from dilution — not only by masturbation but also by nocturnal emissions and sex.

Keeping their sperm bottled up inside, they think, will not only enable them to have more energy and think more clearly; it may also give them literal magical powers, helping to bring about, as one Redditor put it, a “magical, synchronistic connection between thoughts & reality.”

Also, they think, it will make women really really hot for them. “The magnetism is real,” writes a Redditor called sleazyz.



Friday; went out for drinks with old friends I haven’t seen in years and the girls including wives of friends couldn’t take they’re eyes off me … .

The magnetism may be real, but the grammar is still wrong.

Naturally, these newborn pussy magnets are eager to share their stories with one another. And so let’s look at some TRUE TALES FROM THE SEMEN RETENTION SUBREDDIT that might possibly not be true at all, I mean come on, this shit is faker than fake.

We’ll start with Sleazyz’s own story. (In this and the stories that follow I’ve taken the liberty of editing for length and breaking into paragraphs because Jesus Christ these guys love their walls-o-text.)

IN WALKS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY

Friday; went out for drinks with old friends I haven’t seen in years and the girls including wives of friends couldn’t take they’re eyes off me, constant touching and flirty conversation from the bar folk as well. I was dominating every conversation and controlling the flow. Saturday … I went to meet some buddy’s at the bar … In walks a beautiful young lady comes right up to me and wants to dance within minutes we’re making out on the dance floor … [T]he magnetism is real. I feel like I put the idea out in the universe and I’ve honed it in.

Not only that, he reports, but the following day HE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF PHONE CALLS AND TEXTS. Apparently people could smell his semen-filled-scent over the phone! And all from only 14 days of not masturbating.

Let’s move to our next story, from a semen-hoarding Redditor called Boxgineer111. Let’s call this one

SHE WAS NEARLY HYPNOTIZED

I attended a seminar today. Not only I did attract women I liked there, I visited a nearby cafe to grab a bite and I had an awkward moment lol. I was eating my burger and there was a girl who stood in front of me; like 15-20 feet away. For a moment; she locked eyes with me. I didn’t shy away so I locked my eyes with her too. Solid 4-5 seconds. Then we averted our gazes. She was there with her family so I didn’t approach but it was weird. She was nearly hypnotized. I’m practicing SR for nearly 5 months and it was my 3rd day with no release. … Magnetism is very real.

Now let’s turn to yet another master of the dance (and of his own domain). Take it away, showerdudes9.

GIRLS WERE GRAVITATING TO ME LIKE INSANE

I went out with a friend to dance and drink some (i rarely do that) and when i started dancing and not giving a fuck, like really dancing hard and getting sweaty, girls were gravitating to me like insane. One guy got really mad cause his girl stopped dancing with him and went to me instead. Everytime i looked at someone, that person was looking at me, it gave me anxiety cause it was so unreal so i couldnt even make eye contact with people … i’m pretty sure if i wanted to i could have taken home literally any of the girls in that club. … Even if guys were pissed at me they were too fucking scared to say anything, even the guards there were intimidated by me … .

And now, salinorum and his story of

THE AIRPLANE OF GIRLS

The other day in the airport, I wanted to be alone so I found a section of the airport that was vacant. Within 5 minutes, I had about 5 girls sit in the seats next to me and across from me. One even opted to sit on the floor next to my feet and stare at me, even though there were plenty of empty seats everywhere. … Then I got on the airplane and it just so happened that my entire row was made up of girls my age, they all proceeded to stare at me in a submissive manner. The following day, when I returned to work as a Lyft driver, every single passenger I had was a female my age … it got really weird for two days where all I had around me was just women and no men. … And it really awakened me to the fact that women are attuned to some sort subliminal energy field and respond instinctually.

Let’s listen to a high-school student called Alarmed_Equipment and his story, which I’ll call

BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER 2: ELECTRIC SEMENALOO

I was sitting on the corridors when these group of cheerleaders passed by. They all said something to each other near the water faucet. Two of them came right to where i was sitting , performed a leg split, looked dead in my eye giggling to each other and ran away. I am sure it was a personal show for me as i saw them constantly looking back while walking away. On a separate instance, a girl who works with me nearly opened her shirt saying it was too uncomfortable. It was on my first streak.

Chris_the_barbarian’s magnetism is apparently quite literal, at least as far as his nipples are concerned.

TOYING WITH MY NIPPLE WHILE I WAS IGNORING HER

I went to the pub few days ago. Had a beer with my mate. Then I had one middle age woman sitting next to me and within 15 minutes she was toying with my nipple while I was ignoring her. Then I passed her on to my mate because I had no interest spending my LifeJuice™ on her. There is definitely something that’s attracting women on SR.

Let’s end this collection of short stories with one from a fellow with the lovely Reddit handle genocidechimp. As you read through his literally incredible story, bear in mind that this fellow was only on “day 8 of [his] journey” of not touching his penis.

SHE LOVED WHAT I SAID AND STARTED GUSHING AND AWEING

To start off, my boss who is quite attractive sat next to me today and starts chatting with me. Suddenly out of nowhere she says “chimp, I’ve been noticing you flirt with all of the females in the office recently, and they’ve been coming after you what’s your secret huh tell me tell me?” … I said what first came to my mind which was something along the lines of “A magnet does not know the way it functions, it simply attracts” and winked. She loved what I said and started gushing and aweing And the other female coworkers were too. After this she started pushing me to answer whether I had asked any of them on a date. … what type of girls I liked, whether I had commitment issues, previous exes etc. Keep in mind this is my female BOSS who never asks me these type of stuff too often.

Dude, that’s probably because if your boss were to do this in real life, rather than in your fevered imagination, she’d get called in to a very uncomfortable meeting with HR?

But perhaps I’m being too cynical. I’m going to try not masturbating for a half-hour and see what happens.

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