CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly unearthed texts, there are numerous instances in which Socrates accuses his interlocutors of having small penises before going on to claim he has fucked their wives,” said Harvard University professor Helen Speck, citing dialogues in which Socrates proposes that anyone who disagrees with him is a pathetic piece of shit on the payroll of the Athenian aristocracy and ought to just kill himself. “We’ve uncovered many rhetorical tactics previously undocumented in the classical canon, such as Socrates’ tendency to scream ‘Fuck you!’ ad nauseam until his challenger stopped trying to express his viewpoint. We even have contemporaneous accounts suggesting Socrates doxxed his opponents, posting their addresses all over the Acropolis and inciting his followers to harass them. It’s pretty amazing to see our culture’s philosophical tradition being born here.” Speck added that Plato, the most famous student of Socrates, received an education centered around learning to shout a stream of relentless, unsubstantiated libel at anyone believed to be a giant pussy.

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