Like most people, I spent the holiday period with my family. We had dinner, laughed, discussed our plans to forcibly implement sharia law UK-wide in 2018, played board games, and celebrated the key role that the British Muslim diaspora played in successfully defeating Christians in the now infamous “war on Christmas” of 2017.

I’m being flippant of course. Two of the above five things didn’t happen. But what I observed over the past couple of months has been curious to say the least.

It started with Tesco’s Christmas advert, which featured briefly (for literally two seconds) a Muslim family. What followed was a campaign to boycott Tesco by those who claimed the ad disrespected their Christian faith.

I can understand that; I think the last thing a working-class, anti-capitalist, brown Palestinian Jew would want is inclusion. “Love thy neighbour … as long as they’re not different to you” is how I believe the full saying goes, after all. Never mind that Jesus is mentioned over six more times than the prophet Muhammad in the Qur’an.

I must say, I did enjoy the plot twist to this year’s annual Muslim conspiracy. Usually it’s that we are trying to ban Christmas. Yes, probably the majority of Muslims don’t partake in Christmas celebrations, but none of us are trying to ban it lads! Just like no one is trying to ban period dramas (though they should, haven’t we had enough?) The latest complaints were occasioned by a Muslim actually trying to get in the spirit of the season. What? It’s true: somehow the news of Mo Farah wishing everyone a Merry Christmas got turned into a story about how a smattering of idiots from among his 667,000 followers decided to abuse him for it on religious grounds.

A post shared by Sir Mo Farah🇬🇧🥇🥇🥇🥇 (@gomofarah) on Dec 25, 2017 at 10:01am PST

After years of hearing from the rightwing press, hate groups and even members of Parliament that Muslims aren’t British enough, that we don’t belong, you’d think that Muslims partaking in Christmas celebrations would result in the sort of enthusiasm usually reserved for shaming sporting personalities who commit gaffes on social media.

Between having to put up with false rumours that we are trying to ban Christmas and now being shamed for celebrating it, it’s like we can’t win. We can’t simultaneously be doing both those things, surely? We’re not Schrödinger’s Muslim!

Personally, unlike most people reading this, I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I do watch the Doctor Who special. I’m not an animal. I still love this time of year. I’m British, and Christmas is an important British tradition. And so, if non-Christians celebrate Christmas, even if by only adopting its more cultural side, then isn’t that to be welcomed? Isn’t the most important thing about Christmas spending time with family, looking after your community and arguing about which is the best Christmas film of all time? The answer is Die Hard, don’t comment.

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And to those people like Nadine Dorries, who think there’s an aggressive PC campaign that is “dumbing down panto” and “removing Christ from Christmas”, I make three points: first, how in the flying fox does one dumb down the dumbest thing invented since we started measuring dumb things?

Second, it’s up to Christians to remember Christ and celebrate him. Muslims, “leftwing snowflakes” and corporate entities (who let’s face it, control 99% of the narrative at Christmas) are not obliged to do any such thing.

Third, no one is stopping anyone from saying anything (within the law). An individual disagreeing with something you’ve said is them using their free speech to debate yours. If you don’t like their tone, maybe you should stop being such a snowflake?

How can the right be so offended by “leftwing snowflakes” exercising their free speech and simultaneously harass those not toeing the Brexit line as traitors and saboteurs? And anyway, I thought everyone welcomed snowflakes at this time of year? Or is Bing Crosby just a leftist libtard too?

I’m off to eat the remnants of my family’s halal masala turkey. Enjoy what remains of the Christmas spirit before culture war commences again in 2018.

• Tez Ilyas is a standup comedian