Hi there,

I’m 36, my (ex)gf is 25. Met in August last year. Fell in love. Never met anyone like her and ticks all the boxes. I felt set for life (love, kids, the lot) and when she was there, there was no one else in the room (not something I had felt before).

We fell out over something stupid and then spent the next two weeks kinda reconciling but not really making progress.

Short version: she thought I deliberately misunderstood and belittled her, didn’t like it when I would storm off in some situations (it was completely unacceptable) and was upset that I didn’t ask her about her past. I hadn’t asked because it sounded horrible and I didn’t want to put someone I love through that again. I made the wrong call. Our sex life was strained due to an pre-existing psychological ED issue, which was exacerbated by her reactions.

On the other hand, I refused to be judged by the incredibly low standards her mentally and physically abusive, serially cheating drug dealer ex had set – she called me out about an innocuous photo on insta which kicked things off. I didn’t feel heard in the relationship and I had started to feel more and more peripheral to her life, despite the fact I’d looked after her through illness and post-operation.

Communication was poor and we had both made mistakes. A bit of regrettable game playing on both sides ensued, but throughout everything, I always thought that it was all temporary and we would get back on track. We just needed to talk it through and listen to one another.

She had given me the silent treatment on a few occasions and I was reaching out to try to reconcile. Then she sends me a message effectively ending it. I tried to message, I tried to call. Nothing. I wrote her a letter in which poured my heart out and gave it to her when she came out of work. She promised to read it. Nothing in reply. I sent her cacti (sentimental symbol for us), one each day for a week, each with a sentimental note. Nothing in reply. It’s been nearly a month since her last message.

I’ve effectively been ghosted, but from a relationship that was six months of love and plans and fun and joy.

I know she’s the one. And I know we can easily overcome the things we argued about. But we can’t do that if she won’t talk. What can I do, to either win her back (as unlikely as it seems) or move on with such little closure? I’m sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, scared, confused, desperate and utterly heart-broken. I still love her.

Any help here would be most welcome.

Thank you.

She’s not The One. I know this for sure because if she wanted to talk with you, she would have by now. If she wanted to be with you, she would have let you know. The problems between you can’t be worked out if one person decides not to work on them, and people get to make a unilateral decision to end relationships. It hurts to put yourself out there and realize that the other person isn’t picking up what you’re putting down, and I’m sorry you’re hurting so much, but it’s past time to let go.

Above all: You have got to stop sending her letters and succulents. When someone isn’t responding to you and you keep sending gifts and messages, it can quickly cross the line from “sad/awkward” into “scary.” Unfollow/block all of her social media. Do not show up at places where you know she will be. This is a kindness; it means that you are giving her space to feel safe and free and also giving yourself space to grieve.

Stop trying to contact her. Then, stop telling the story about how she was the one who got away and how everything was so perfect (when really it sounds like you had a bad sex life and frequent arguments that involved storming off and the silent treatment).

Instead, start telling yourself a story like this:

“I loved this woman a lot and I thought we were going to go the distance. We had some issues, but I thought the problems we had were surmountable. She felt differently, and ultimately it didn’t work out. She has decided to go no contact, so I’m going to stop sending her letters, texts, and cactuses. I’m going to unfollow her social media accounts and break myself of the habit of monitoring how she’s doing. I’m going to assume that I’ll never hear from her again.

Then I’m going to grieve for what we had and do my best to put the love I have to give into my family, my friendships, my community, and other relationships that sustain me. If I have trouble letting go, I’m going to find a therapist who can help me process everything.

I know it’s gonna hurt for a while, but I know that it will get better with some time. The good things about me that drew this lovely woman to me are still in me, and hopefully they will eventually draw other lovely people into my life.”

Leave her alone. Tell yourself the new story. Tell it until it’s true.