After a long wait, this week ABC finally released the full bios of this season’s Bachelor contestants, and we have a lot to talk about. Yesterday, we went through all the tea that Chris Harrison spilled in the awkward Facebook Live announcement, and now we’re breaking down all 30 of the women vying for Pilot Pete’s heart. Seriously, why does it have to be 30 women? It’s just too much, but we do it for you. Keep reading so you can make informed predictions about which one of these fame-hungry women will come out of this with an engagement ring.

Alayah, 24, Miss Texas 2019

Alayah, not to be confused with Aaaliyah, enjoys “hanging out with her gals, drinking wine, and giving back to her community.” Why do I feel like one of those is a lie? I was about to write Alayah off as your typical basic bitch pageant queen, but then I saw that she lists her favorite social media platform as “Reddit” and I am intrigued. What subs does she frequent? Is she a sh*tposter? A mod? I feel like I need 100% more info about Miss Texas 2019’s Reddit use before I can pass a clear judgement.

Avonlea, 27, Cattle Rancher

Okay first of all, who is naming people in Texas? “Avonlea” sounds like a skin care brand you find on Amazon that is actually made of glue. Actually, it sounds like an apartment complex in Atlanta. Whatever it sounds like, it does not sound like a name for a human woman. As far as the pic, why do I feel like this is the last face some of the girls on this season will see before they die? Avonlea has a degree in “ranch management,” which I’m pretty sure anyone can get if they watch Mary Kate and Ashley’s How the West Was Fun enough times. Avonlea claims that in addition to being a cattle rancher, she is also a model, which I’m pretty sure is a career path people only have in Hallmark movies.

Alexa, 27, Esthetician

Alexa wins right off the bat for having the most normal name and for having the best job. If I were Pete I’d send the rest home right now and commence the free facials, but that’s just me. Alexa describes herself as a “free spirit hippie”, meaning she did acid at a music festival once. Her bio also says she is “all about love and acceptance, but at the same time this girl has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them.” Translation: Alexa is definitely the girl who does yoga every morning but will smack a bitch with a crystal if necessary.

Courtney, 26, Cosmetologist

Why do I feel like Courtney is about to fire me? She looks like the evil boss in literally every rom-com. Courtney describes herself as a “Florida girl through and through,” which I can only assume means she’s smoked meth in a pickup truck with a confederate flag bumper sticker at least once in her life. Her bio also says she is “extremely claustrophobic,” which is great for living in a house with 30 other women. I’m sure the producers won’t exploit that fear at all if she ever gets a date with Peter. No way.

Deandra, 23, Home Care Coordinator

Deandra is one of 10 siblings, so she’s coming into the Bachelor Mansion with a strategic advantage over the other girls who have never shared a bathroom in their lives. She also apparently “hates EDM,” which is code for “got really depressed after taking too much molly once.” According to her bio, she has had one relationship in the past and is looking for “a man who will kill a spider while she runs away screaming.” Not sure what that first relationship was like, but the bar is clearly on the floor.

Eunice, 23, Flight Attendant

Eunice is the first of THREE flight attendants on this season, because Bachelor producers have no chill. She describes herself as a “reformed party girl” and wants to come into this experience with a “clean slate” and leave her “sorority days” behind her. Damn Eunice…wtf did you do? Are you a criminal mastermind? You’re literally 23 years old. Why do you describe yourself like a grizzled old woman in the corner of an AA meeting? Maybe it just comes with the territory of being a 23-year-old named Eunice? Eunice then goes on to claim that her favorite holiday is Christmas because she “loves Christmas music,” but I have a sneaking suspicion its really because that is when her family was allowed to visit her in jail.

Hannah Ann, 23 , Model

Congrats to Hannah Ann on not letting herself simply be another Bachelor girl named Hannah. You tack that “Ann” on there, girl. Live your life. Hannah’s bio claims that she is a model, but then goes onto say that “her parents are not only her role models, they are her landlords, as she still lives at home!” How successful of a model can you be if you still live in your parents’ basement in Tennessee? I’m unfortunately gonna have to call bullsh*t on Hannah Ann. Being a model and having a nice Instagram are two different things, my dear.

Jade, 26, Flight Attendant

Here we go. Another flight attendant. Jade is a former (maybe current? I can’t tell) Mormon who “faced a lot of pressure” from the church to get hitched, ultimately getting married at 22. But all that is behind her now! Now that her divorce is finalized, Jade is learning from the mistakes she made in getting married too soon by…*checks notes*…going on a reality television show where the premise is to get engaged after two months. Congrats to Jade on her growth!

Jasmine, 25, Client Relations Manager

Jasmine, a Client Relations Manager, has a golden retriever named Gnarles Barkley which I assume she will bring up 150 times per episode. (It’s what’s right.) Jasmine wants a guy who can “get her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday,” aka do the impossible. Or break into a Chick-Fil-A. Or has the foresight to buy Chick-Fil-a on a Saturday and bring it to her on Sunday. Either way, the girl wants chicken. Additionally, Jade says that she will “know she’s met the man of her dreams when he can help her build a table.” So basically, she wants a man to bring her food and build something for her to eat it on. I like Jasmine.

Jenna, 22, Nursing Student

Jenna is a “fun, down to earth midwestern girl” who took a “life changing trip to Africa for a medical mission” (aka a safari where a bunch of white people visited a hospital for one second). She’s a “passionate foodie” who likes bowling and knitting. Okay Jenna, we get it. You’re a virgin good girl. Moving on…

Kiarra, 23, Nanny

Kiarra describes herself as a person who enjoys “shopping, fashion, style, and anything involving social media,” which is a major red flag to me. Sure, we’re all addicted to social media, but we don’t enjoy it. Are you psycho? Kiarra also says that she “LOVES” talking, and is “very close with her mother.” So basically, she always has one million Insta stories and they’re all unbearable. Swipe!

Katrina, 28, Pro Sports Dancer

Katrina’s parents are high school sweethearts, has a brother is marrying his high school sweetheart, and a sister who is also engaged, but lists her most serious relationship as being with “her hairless cat, Jasmine.” Yikes. Katrina says she and Jasmine “literally do everything together,” meaning she either never leaves the house (not great) or is one of those people who brings a cat around on a leash (worse). Katrina also reveals that last year for Halloween, she dressed as her hairless cat Jasmine, and also had the cat dress up as her. In short, Katrina is a serial killer and we need to protect Peter from her at all costs.

Kelley, 27, Attorney

Kelley is a “modern woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her,” and yet, here she is, on The Bachelor, competing with 30 other women to date one boring pilot. She says her last relationship was an “international long-distance affair” that had her “traveling to Jordan once or twice a month” but ended when she wouldn’t move to the Middle East. Look, I’m not gonna say this was definitely a sugar baby situation, but if the Seeking Arrangement profile fits…

Kelsey, 28, Professional Clothier

Kelsey is a “professional clothier” meaning she either owns a store, is a fashion designer, or is in debt from selling Lularoe. She’s a former Miss Iowa who describes herself as “having many layers like an onion.” So basically she quoted Shrek in her Bachelorette bio, and we simply have to stan. Kelsey also wants us all to know that thanks to her “frequent Pilates classes” she is in “peak physical and spiritual form,” meaning she will absolutely be the really competitive girl who gets legitimately pissed when she loses a relay race on the first group date. Her bio also includes the line, “at 28, she has presumably lived more life than many of the other girls.” At 29, reading that made me want to flush my laptop down the toilet.

Kylie, 26, Entertainment Sales Associate

Okayyy, off-brand Heidi Klum! Kylie’s photo looks literally looks like it could be for a Hallmark version of Project Runway called Operation Catwalk or some sh*t. Not a bad thing, just saying. Kylie is apparently coming out of a three-year relationship that ended with cheating, and has shunned men ever since. Apparently she rejected the last guy who tried to kiss her by saying she didn’t want to ruin her makeup. Auf wiedersehen!

Lauren, 26, Marketing Executive

Lauren is a former Laker Girl who describes herself as a “boss woman,” aka the boring older cousin to the “boss bitch.” She also mentions that she’s “always open to a good game of tonsil hockey,” meaning that she will definitely be the one who goes in for a sloppy makeout session night one that has wayyy too much tongue and sounds. I’m already cringing. The craziest part of her bio is when she says she conducts “exit interviews” with all her exes to figure out what went wrong. What does this even mean? Do they fill out forms? Sign an NDA? Does she provide them severance? Should I start doing this?

Lexi, 26, Marketing Coordinator

Getting some serious “evil temptress” vibes from Lexi here, but that could just be anti-redhead prejudice. In her bio, Lexi says that she would “rather be buried alive than trapped in a room filled with frogs,” which like…when would that ever happen? Is this a scenario she’s been in before? Who is trapping her? How many frogs? The only way I could ever imagine this happening is if a boy in your middle school class frees all the frogs from being dissected in a manic act of heroism, à la Elliot in ET. Otherwise, it’s just not happening. Maybe somebody needs to tell her that this is The Bachelor and not Fear Factor. She also adds that “nothing turns her off more than people who are desperate.” Have fun asking 29 other women if you can “steal” their boyfriend “for a sec” every time you want to get a glimpse at him!

Madison, 23, Foster Parent Recruiter

I want to make a comment on the scary perfection of Madison’s teeth and her extremely bold earring choice, but her job is literally to connect orphaned children with foster parents so I would legally go to Hell if I said that. She’s looking for a man who will “prioritize faith and family” before everything else and has the “same religious values” as her, so you know she’s that girl who finds a way to work Jesus into every conversation. Chill, Madison. I’m just trying to ask directions to the nearest Arby’s.

Maurissa, 23, Patient Care Coordinator

Maurissa was crowned Miss Teen Montana, but says it was “the worst time of her life,” confirming my suspicion that being in pageants is f*cking terrible. Here’s the part of her bio I don’t get: she says pageants caused her body issues despite being “average sized” for a teen girl, then later goes on to say that she recently lost 80 pounds. Eighty! After being average sized?? Wouldn’t an “average sized” teenager who lost 80 pounds be like…40 pounds? I feel like there is a crucial piece of this story missing. Did she go from being average sized to above average and then back down again? All between the ages of 13 and 23? Far be it for me to critique another woman’s weight loss journey, but I need answers!

Megan, 26, Flight Attendant

And here we have flight attendant #3, Megan, whose mom and grandma were also both flight attendants. Megan has the distinction of being the most flight attendant looking flight attendant of all the flight attendants, so that’ll be nice for Peter. Is anyone else getting the feeling that we’re going into another Arie Luyendyk Jr. situation where the Bachelor’s whole personality is just his job? Better than being known as “the virgin,” tho…

Mykenna, 22, Fashion Blogger

Mykenna is a Canadian fashion blogger who loves to “curate chic outfits,” so you know she’s one of those girls who posts #ootd pics that literally no one has asked for, and live streams her nightly skin care routine to one viewer (her mom). She says she’s inspired by her grandparents’ love because they were together 61 years and her grandpa proposed on the first date. No wonder she sees no problem getting engaged on The Bachelor.

Natasha, 31, Event Planner

Natasha, a 31-year-old event planner, is “here to prove that mysterious is sexy” and “makes her presence known every time she enters a room.” Uh…is Natasha a ghost? Or does the franchise just consider any woman over 30 legally dead? What else does Natasha do? Walk through walls? Open and close the cabinets? Clang her chains throughout the night trying to warn the living about a terrible fate that is to come? Can’t wait to find out!

Payton, 23, Business Development Rep

Payton describes herself as “the type of woman who goes into a bar alone and leaves with 100 new best friends,” aka she is annoying as f*ck. She lives in her parents’ basement which…okay…times are tough, I guess. She also recently found out that she had a long lost sister via some “serious Facebooking,” which, if true, puts her in the online stalking hall of fame. Ten bucks says she was going down a rabbit hole of looking at pictures of her high school ex’s new girlfriend that kind of looks like her, only to realize they had the same dad. Inspiring.

Sarah, 24, Medical Radiographer

I mean, you could tell Sarah’s bio would say “southern belle” before even reading it. And then there it is, right in the first sentence. Southern belle. Why do I feel like that will be the extent of Sarah’s personality on this show?

Savannah, 27, Realtor

Savannah is another Texas girl who says her “favorite thing to do to pass time is sit on her back porch and feed the local turtles” which is why she has given herself the nickname “the Turtle Princess.” IDK what’s worse, giving yourself a nickname, or having that nickname be “the Turtle Princess.” She is genuinely so lucky the producers didn’t list “Turtle Princess” as her profession. Contestants on this show have been roasted for much, much less.

Shiann, 27, Administrative Assistant

Okay, I’m just gonna say it. Shiann looks like she smelled something weird in this photo, and being that she is from Las Vegas, she probably did. She lists her favorite body part as her “lower back,” so I can only assume she has an elaborate tramp stamp. Again, she is from Las Vegas. She was also a competitive horseback rider growing up, meaning we’ve officially got a horse girl in the race, people! Thank God.

Sydney, 24, Retail Marketing Manager

Sydney is a retail marketing manager who loves to “hike, dance, and plan fantasy vacations for her and her future husband.” Hmm…I’m gonna call a red flag on that one. Sydney is giving me serious “already has a photoshopped baby album of her and Peter that she will present to him at the night one cocktail party” vibes. Run, before she busts out the love fern.

Tammy, 24, House Flipper

Tammy, a “house flipper” (aka an HGTV aficionado), says in her bio that in high school she tried to join the boys wrestling team in high school but was turned away so she “responded by showing up to every practice and pushing forward a Title IX complaint until they accepted her.” The feminist killjoy in me approves, though I’m sure it made her exactly zero friends. Tammy also hasn’t told her mom she’s going to be on The Bachelor yet, which is exactly how Bekah M. got herself reported missing back in Ari’s season. Hope it happens again!

Victoria F, 25, Medical Sales Rep

Victoria F. is another one of those girls whose whole personality is “I have a dog.” Her bio states that she “wants a man who can not only give her unconditional love, but can also give that love to her dog Buxton because they are a package deal.” Is this a problem she has encountered? Is she really meeting men who are like, “yeah you’re great but you gotta dump your dog”? Of course you and your dog are a package deal. It’s your dog. Just don’t date someone who is allergic and you should be fine…

Victoria P, 27, Nurse

Gonna say it right now: I am scared sh*tless of Victoria P. Why do I feel like this girl just walked up to me in the hallway and asked me where I got my skirt, only to call it the ugliest effing skirt she’s ever seen two seconds later? Why do I feel like Victoria P. wore army pants and flip-flops, so now I must wear army pants and flip-flops? Victoria’s biggest fears are “murky waters she can’t see and chicken served on the bone.” My biggest fear is our parents becoming friends and forcing us to hang out outside of school. Terrifying.

Images: ABC (31)