A review of most of the volume 1 Bat Family books from DC’s relaunch last year.

I DID miss Red Robin. I’m not really even sure what that is, to be honest. Besides, if you think about it, fuck that shit.

Africa Batman: certainly sounds like one of the worst ideas of all time, right?

I mean, pair the idea of making a second Batman, taking a beloved character and saying Let’s do that again! Pretty much destined to fail.

Then add in the African angle.

I guess this would be a good time to point out that I don’t consider myself to be a racist.

Here’s the thing: I think most of us are fairly clueless about Africa. We hear the news, we see all the bad stuff, and I’m not angling for a “everyone is a wonderful human rainbow deep down” kind of thing here. But what I mean is that very few of us can read about Africa and say, Yes, I think I can imagine what it’s like to walk around there. You can do it with other places using the power of your imagination.

London? Just imagine a shittier New York.

Paris? Just imagine a shittier New York.

Chicago? Just imagine a shittier New York that uses food as an emotional crutch.

But Africa? I don’t really know where to begin, and I’ve actually BEEN there. Granted, it was a trip to the Middle East, which is quite different from the rest of the continent I’m sure. But that’s exactly the point. Even having set foot, it’s still outside anything I know.

We had a German foreign exchange student in high school, and one of the highlights of that year was going to a track team breakfast and watch him be grilled by a girl sitting across from him.

Do they have credit cards in Germany?

Do they have computers in Germany?

He was a little insulted, but he took it well other than making a big show of being amazed when the food came out hot (he claimed that Germany was still working on the invention of fire. I would say this was the point when I decided that befriending a German would be a life-enriching thing to do).

I’m afraid, however, that when it comes to Africa I might find myself on the embarrassing end of some very very stupid questions.

That can’t be it, though. There has to be a reason that after pulling up a list of black DC characters I recognized almost none. Catspaw? Computo II? Shango the Thunderer?

You know what I think it is? I think it’s honestly because we have a hard time with the line. What I mean is, we have a superhero and he is black. On the one side, we could write this exactly like a white character, ignore the racial side of things, and just say this character “happens” to be black. On the other side, we could start off strong by naming her Nu’Bia.

I don’t mean to say that white is a default race. What I mean to say is that most times with a white character, their race is not the most remarkable thing about them, which makes a lot of sense. The most interesting thing about Spider-Man is not his race. That’s pretty far down the list. Take Cyborg. Part-machine, part black man. Which part of that is more interesting? Well, I’ve seen many a black person, but I have not met ANY machine men yet, so far as I know anyway, so it’s an easy call.

The point is that there is a line to be walked here. Because these are fictional characters, and because they are very often written by white men, making a character non-white is a significant choice that’s being made. So in order for the story to make sense, they have to balance things. The character can’t be blind to the fact that he/she is a member of a minority. But on the other hand, a comic book that features a guy kicking ass in a Batman suit is going to suffer if it spends too much time on race because the ass kicking is the far more interesting part.

Batwing works better for me than I thought it would. The character isn’t just Black Batman. He has his own entire backstory that’s quite different from the Batman we know. And the nature of the story arc sees him fighting different bad guys. Again, they didn’t make a Joker Africa Edition. They didn’t just take the things that work about Batman and graft them onto Africa.

What I like about this is they didn’t take Batman and make him black. They made up a new character with his own motivations and setting. He’s just outfitted by Batman. In fact, almost the entirety of the action takes place during the day, which is a huge thematic departure from the Batman we all know from Gotham.

I guess that this idea made me nervous. Then after reading it I thought, This is actually pretty decent. Why wouldn’t they just make this guy his own character? Why go with the Bat theme? In fact, it almost feels like this was written out with no real plan to include Batman at all.

The answer, I suspect, is that it was necessary because otherwise no one would have read it. We’ve been conditioned to understand that comics with black main characters are second-tier books, and that they are going to teach us a moral lesson or be used as a vehicle to make us aware of what’s happening in another part of the world.

The book touches on these issues, but in the right way. The way a comic book should. We see some boy soldiers, but we don’t get a long soliloquy about how wrong that is. We get an actual, Batman-y story with some ass-kicking and some detective work to boot, while at the same time not ignoring the importance of the difference in setting and character origin.

Give it a shot. Especially if you read Bat-Family stuff. I enjoyed it quite a bit more than some of the other titles in that dysfunctional, uneven family. That’s for damn sure.

~

I really enjoyed the Nightwing books from the mid to late 90’s. They were quick, smart, and they had great art by Scott Mcdaniels that gave the books their own feel. The whole point of them was that it would be hard to get out from under the shadow of Batman. Especially in those days because his cape was goddamn majestic.

The relaunch…it’s like we’re back to Nightwing being Batman Jr. And more than that, he’s totes fine with it.

Also, he now owns a circus? And tours with said circus, fighting crime in whichever city the circus finds itself in?

Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel at all grown up. It’s a guy living in a train, owning a circus, and fighting crime. Basically a collision of all my pre-adolescent fantasies.

~

I have a weird problem with these Bat Family characters.

Okay, here’s the deal.

Batwoman appears to be her own person, have her own operation, and really has no ties to Batman. In fact, Batman approaches her about joining the team and she turns him down.

What the hell?

Okay, imagine you are the head of Pepsi. And some dude starts running around saying, “I’m a crime-fighter, and I’m called Pepsi Man!” Would you just figure, Hey, whatever? I’ve spent decades building this brand, but if some fool wants to jump on the wagon, the more the merrier?

Hell no!

So I don’t get this. I would think Batman would say, “Listen, feel free to run around on rooftops and kick people in the face. But quit doing it with a bat theme.”

~

Batgirl is unparalyzed. Apparently by some weird surgical procedure done in South America or something (South America being the home of revolutions in surgical science). I’m fine with that. I can live with that. Let’s face it, there was a period in the 90’s when it seemed like every lineup of buddies in a comic or cartoon included a guy in a wheelchair, right? Which was alright, but they seemed to always be making the point that people in wheelchairs could do everything everyone else could do. Which I hated. Because it’s just not true. I’m not trying to be an ass, and I think people in wheelchairs probably have a very good chance to make great, fulfilling lives for themselves. But to pretend that being in a wheelchair doesn’t change a lot about a person seems pretty stupid. One thing someone in a wheelchair can’t do is be Batman. Unless the 90’s television show Mantis is to be believed (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M.A.N.T.I.S.).

I think maybe we’re past the point of pretending that everyone is the same, and maybe moving onto something else where we say people are different but of equal baseline value. So thumbs-up there.

On to more related topics.

A friend once told me she doesn’t like when female superheroes are just lady versions of existing male superheroes. Why have Spider-Woman instead of just something new? Why can’t a lady become an established thing of her own instead of being the girl version of something else?

Batgirl, to me, will always be a sort of lesser version of Batman. Less interesting. Less exciting. Less dangerous. And I don’t think it’s because she’s female. Not at all. I honestly think it’s because instead of taking the time to come up with something new, they made a girl Batman.

Also, in this slim volume there were two incidents where Batgirl pointed out a little guilt for eating muffins. I mean, if you’re beating the holy bejeezus out of people in alleys all night, I’m sure the extra carbs will do you very little harm, lady.

I guess that’s my thing, my stitch with this sort of thing. Batman doesn’t give a hot damn about carbs. Not because he’s a man, though. Because he’s Batman and driven by a desire to stop crime in all its forms and ultimately avenge the death of his parents, a quest that he will sadly never complete. So he worries about the Joker breaking out, or someone blowing up the Batmobile, or the identity of a new billionaire who seems to have sinister motives. Not having a second muffin.

I don’t think Batgirl caring about carbs is about her being a woman, either. I mean, yes, it’s a quick signifier of what we think of as femininity in a very easy sense. “Carbs, am I right, ladies?” But to me, it’s a problem because it expresses a lot more than that. To me, it expresses that this character seems to have very little to worry about, very little to do, and not much excitement. Which makes for a great, happy person, and kind of a boring comic book.

~

What’s the deal with Bruce Wayne and girlfriends? I mean, I get it. Who isn’t into hot babes? But my question is, Why do people who write Batman comics include a girlfriend angle? I have to say, Bruce Wayne’s girlfriends must be the least interesting aspect of most Batman stories. Think about it. This is a guy who flies around in jets and speedboats, is a martial arts expert, has all kinds of crazy gadgets, and I’m being told about a date he went on to some stupid ball? Hell, I get bored when my friends tell me about the people they’re dating sometimes, and the closest thing my friends do to Batman shit is rolling out of bed at 1 on Sunday, holding a comforter around themselves in somewhat cape-like fashion.

And why do we always have this conversation:

Alfred: Master Wayne, your date with Carmen DeSexia is this evening.

Batman: Cancel it. The Joker’s on the loose.

Alfred: I shall send my regards. If I may, perhaps it’s best to let her go.

Batman: Not this one Alfred. This one is special.

Really? This one? THIS ace reporter, one of the hundreds of attractive ace reporters you’ve dated, is the special one? Would you say it’s because she’s attractive, or is it more because she gets super upset when you cancel dates, or is it because you, for absolutely no reason, think this is the one girlfriend who isn’t being used by one of your enemies in order to find out your secrets?

If there’s some story to it or some appeal, by all means, bring on the lovey dovey stuff. But if it’s just some other lady who doesn’t understand an appropriate cleavage amountage for being on the news, or if it’s some shape-changing monster on the attack, or if it’s both and I’m left feeling very confused about my sexuality, I’m giving everyone permission to go ahead and skip it.

~

There’s a good and a bad to this.

The good is that at least Batman was punching people in this one. There was a good amount of action, which some of the other new Batman titles are lacking sorely.

The bad is that the overall story was pretty, well, business as usual. Bane tried to kill Batman. Someone made a weird Scarecrow formula.

The best parts in this book were the Alfred bits. I’m serious. There were a couple sections where Alfred was actually funny instead of acting like Batman’s mom and suggesting he stop fighting crime for the upteenth time. There’s even a part where Alfred hands Batman an ice cream cone. I’m not sure why exactly, but regardless, seeing Batman hold an ice cream cone is one of the bigger thrills of my recent life.

I DO feel obligated to inform you at this point that my life is an endless labyrinth of darkness and shame from which there will be no escaping.

~

What is Catwoman’s deal? Seriously.

She goes back and forth, living the fast life with stolen diamonds or whatever, but then always feels regretful when one of her dopey sideline friends gets caught up and usually murdered in a fairy non-graphic fashion.

I mean, what’s the deal here?

I’m cool with a reckless lady stealing weird jewels and living it up on the run. And I’m cool with a story about a lady trying to get things right. But honestly, I’m fairly bored and frustrated by a story about a lady who wants it both ways. For example, I feel pretty ambivalent when Catwoman does some righteous street justice stuff on a dude who killed one of her friends back in the day because I’ve just watched her also do a bunch of bad stuff. So sometimes she’s doing Catwoman stuff to steal, sometimes to do justice-y stuff? And how does that get decided? And when a cop rolls his car chasing her from a crime scene and dies, what then? And how come she makes the “that’s it, from now on I work alone” declaration only to go back on it two issues later?

You know what Catwoman is like? Did you ever know a person who was in college and was always changing his/her major every three months? And could never decide on anything because ultimately he/she was very unhappy but couldn’t connect that, without any sort of commitment to anything, the happiness would never come? And you always had to hear the deep thoughts of this person, but in the back of your mind it was always grating because the person seemed completely unable to apply any of the thinking to him/her self? And one week it was short blue hair and the next week it was something with bicycles and then right after that it was thick-framed glasses and then weird piercings? Always something that the person thought was an expression of personality when it was really being used to stand-in for personality? THAT’S what Catwoman is like, and it’s annoying because I don’t really want to read about a woman in her 30’s with superpowers who doesn’t really know who she is. The only difference between her and a total loser is that she runs around on rooftops instead of rewatching the Wings box set over and over.

Also, the whole Catwoman/Batman love affair makes no sense to me whatsoever. I just don’t understand why this dude, who has a bizarrely strict crime-fighting code of sorts, can’t seem to apprehend Catwoman. Or at least convince her that maybe Gotham City, home of the world’s greatest detective, isn’t the best place for robbing safes.

~

This one started great, then we had a couple issues of Batman trapped in a secret underground maze while he’s tripping balls for some reason. They always do this. You write a story where the world’s greatest detective should be able to walk his way out of the main problem, so the way you work around it is to say he’s been drugged. Boom.

Okay, makes sense. But it’s not that exciting. I mean, you could write a story where I get drugged and can’t find my way out of a DiscoveryZone.

Plus, nothing makes me crazier than first-person drug writing. It’s like an excuse to get artsy and to not be required to make any sense. And I call bullshit on that. Total bullshit.