From the moment Miguel Monsanto heard that ISIS was planning to branch out in the Philippines, he’s already made up his mind that it will just be like every franchise to ever been brought to the country – disappointing.

“You know how it is,” Miguel said in our interview, “It’s like Din Tai Fung and Tim Ho Wan and AppleBees and IHOP. They’re only the same in name. The experience will never be the same as when I visited their branches in the originating countries.”

Monsanto is a self-proclaimed expert foodie who set out to critique various restaurants he can afford after starting his blog “Totally Unique Food Blogg” (extra G for uniqueness) six months ago at about the same time he bought his DSLR with a pre-approved credit card.

“Everything about it is wrong. For one, where will they get the actual Arabic employees? You can’t have an ISIS that’s just crewed with just Filipinos. How will they make authentic Shawarmas, Kebabs, and public executions?”

ISIS, a growing jihadist militant group has recently made indications of wanting to branch out to countries in South East Asia, such as Indonesia and the Philippines. Philippine government authorities have continually denied that there already have been footholds established.

“I mean, I’m glad that they chose us as their first foray into international expansion, but puh-leaze. It’s just going to be disappointing and it won’t be worth my vintage-filtered cameraphone pictures.”

As an alternative, the foodie blogger provided just one alternative. “If you want to experience something close to ISIS’ brand-specific level of terrorism and torture, just visit any Pancake House branch. Those guys have really horrible service.”