The Funny 115 - The Third One







#15. The Seeker of Truth, The Seer of Real

Worlds Apart - Sadly, Only Two Episodes







When you go back, and you look at the history of the Funny 115, it is very rare that I have ever written a character entry about a player who was only around for two episodes.











I think Billy from Cook Islands might be the only one













a.k.a. Pimptavius









Up to this point in Survivor history, Billy (and I guess Rudy in All Stars too, if you want to count that as a real season) are the only two second boots who have ever been awarded with a coveted Funny 115 character entry.











"And me? Please? From Casaya?"









No.



















So anyway, yes, if you're looking for the greatest second boot in Survivor history, up to this point you'd have no choice but to go with Billy the Broken Hearted.



Or Garrett from Cagayan, I guess.



If only for this pose.



















However...



In season thirty of Survivor (Worlds Apart) we were introduced to a new type of second boot.



A more AMAZING type of second boot.



The type of legend who I believe is now the gold standard of what all second boots on Survivor in the future should aspire to.











You know who I'm talking about, don't you?













This guy









Just kidding.











When in doubt, you pick the guy with the feathers









That's right. It's time for the character entry for Vince Sly, the coconut vendor.



Who forever won me over with this, the best opening line for a character in Survivor history.











"As a coconut vendor, I seek truth."













"I am a seer of real."









Now here's the fun thing. I could spend an entire entry just dissecting that quote. Just because it's so wonderfully bizarre.



















For starters, I guess I have to ask the most obvious question, WHY IS IT IMPLIED THAT A PERSON WHO SELLS COCONUTS IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR TRUTH? Is that, like, a trope that we're already supposed to be familiar with?



I just love the way he phrases that quote. As if it's some well known rule in literature that we're already all supposed to know about.































I mean, if you walk into a courtroom in the United States, and you use that line in front of a judge, does it actually work?











"Mister Sly, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?"













"Yes, your honor. I sell coconuts."













"Good."









Call me a cynic, but something tells me it would probably go a little more like this.











"Does the defendant have counsel today?"













"I don't need counsel, your honor, for I am a coconut vendor."















"I repeat, does the defendant have counsel?"















"My counsel is the moon. And the stars."













"Does the defendant have local counsel?"













"No."









In any case, that's the first line we ever hear Vince speak in episode one. That he's a coconut vendor, and he seeks truth.



And swear to god, that's the fastest time in Survivor history a player IMMEDIATELY earned himself a character entry.











And that's not even counting the first time we see him on camera, and he's doing this









Now, unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot to say about Vince's overall story arc in Worlds Apart.



Not because he doesn't deserve it, or because it isn't hilarious. But because I already covered his entire storyline here, in one of my favorite entries. Go back and read that one if you want to see the sudden rise and fall of the man who sells coconuts. Who bled to death after a thousand little papercuts called microaggressions.











Thinks Joe is a big meanie









Because this is a character entry, and not specifically about Vince's storyline, in this one I'm going to focus more on the little things that I love about Vince as a Survivor character. And how he very EASILY could have been the next Coach if he had just been a little less of a dick eccentric.



I mean, my god, if you had given this guy ten episodes, who knows what kind of magic he would have come up with.











We never got to hear HIS Amazon story, it would have been so pure











So here we go. Twelve things I will always love about Vince.



The seeker of Jenn hugs.



The seer of awesome.









The Vince Twelve

a.ka. THE WAY OF THE COCONUT









1. In the opening shot of Worlds Apart, not only is he standing there with his mouth hanging open...





















He's also inadvertently photobombing Jenn's glamour shot.

















You wanna be a star? That's how you become a star.



Oh holy coconut. Look down on us.











2. Meanwhile, what the hell is with this weird cast photo?











I don't know if it's just the angle, or what, but it looks like he has big fake Tina Wesson boobs













He doesn't look like that in any other pic, it's just the one with the shirt













The one where he's Lord Sassy McSassington











3. I already posted the "Seeker of Truth" quote. But don't forget that he had a couple of other fun ones.



















And of course this one.













"My personality's a lot like surfing a wave."

























"So let me surf this for a second."



And then there's this very Coach-like quote.



Where he says he makes friends better than other people do.



"If you create friendships the way that I do, it's really hard to break a bond."



4. Speaking of Coach quotes, I GOTTA highlight this one. Just because it's the exact type of thing that would have come out of the mouth of The Dragonslayer.









"One of my greatest weaknesses is my intense attraction to women."









Yes, Coach. Your biggest flaw is that you just get way too much sex. Also, please tell us how much you can bench.



If you bench weights the way that I do, it's really hard not to bench more than Joe Anglim









5. I guess this one goes without saying, but let me point out how amazing it was that he was voted out of THE NO COLLAR TRIBE. For being TOO WEIRD.







Psyyyyyyyyyycho





Boom





The hugging stops here, coconut guy



6. And of course, speaking of hugs...











Vince: I love you.

Jenn: I don't care.

Vince: I know.









If there's one thing you need to remember about Vince as a Survivor character, it's the fact that the way he judges you as a person... is if you can withstand a ten second hug or not.



Seriously, I'm not exaggerating. He literally has a ten second hug rule.



He even tells us.







"In my every day life, I'm surrounded by people who I can have a comfortable, loving embrace with them."





"Ten seconds. Of beauty. Bliss. Peace."



Why does he like Jenn so much?



It's because she'll put up with a ten second hug



Seriously, time it.



And then watch how she has to tap out at the end because it has become uncomfortable





Oh, and why doesn't he like Joe?











Because Joe murders babies







Nah, he doesn't like Joe because Joe won't do the ten second hug thing.











"With Joe, I just don't feel that. I just don't."





JOE IS HUGGING SOMEBODY ELSE, HE BETRAYED ME









I seriously believe that Vince's biggest problem with Joe was that Joe just wouldn't do the hug thing. And then everything that happened later just all stemmed from there.











You don't even deserve to have my armpit in your face, Joe Anglim









7. Speaking of that last screencap, you gotta love how when Vince doesn't trust you, he just gets right up in your face. And he stares at you.







He looks right into your soul













As if searching for weakness









As if searching for non-realness that must be destroyed













Determining if you're worthy of a ten second hug or not





















In one of my earlier entries, I compared this to the stare Larry David gives to people in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Because it's the exact same look.



















However, there was a sketch on SNL a couple of weeks ago that I think is even more accurate. So this is going to become my new Vince Sly gif.



Everyone on the No Collar Tribe after dealing with Vince









8. I should point out that the Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm/pop culture parallels don't end there either. Remember the Seinfeld episode with the guy who was a close talker?











The close talker









Well guess who else is a close talker?











Vince: "Come on, at least eight seconds?"

Joe: "No."









Remember, kids, always leave room for Jesus









9. This one isn't something we actually saw in the episodes, but I wanted to point it out just because I think it's hilarious.











You know how Joe built most of the No Collar shelter?













I hate him











Well, later in the season, there's an infamous subplot where people (I'm not gonna name names) joke that Will is too fat for the shelter. And if they vote him out, there will be a lot more room for everyone to sleep.



Do you know WHY there wasn't much room in the No Collar shelter?











That's right, it was the feather guy









It came out in interviews later that the reason the No Collar shelter was so small was because Vince hid all the tools.











Whatever, fuck it









And WHY did he hide all the tools?











Just because he wanted to spite Joe









And if that's not seeking truth and seeing real, I don't know what is.











He passive-aggressed me!













10. By the way, did you ever notice how much coconut symbolism there is on the No Collar Tribe? Thank you, editors!











Day one, Vince vends presents a coconut to the tribe and everyone worships it













ALL HAIL OUR NEW FIBROUS ONE-SEEDED DRUPE OVERLORD









But, uh oh. Then Joe starts sharing coconuts with the girls. And Vince doesn't get any.











You coconut sluts



Then it gets worse when Jenn offers up a coconut that Joe can burn for the fire.









Hey Jenn, got anything I can use for kindling?























Guess whose downfall comes very quickly right after that?











Next time I'll vend them my ass







11. I believe I mentioned this quote in my earlier entry, but it's so perfect that I have to use it again.





You think that's exaggerating, but it's really not. That literally IS Vince's storyline.



Everything Vince can do













Joe can do better













Everything Vince can do













Joe can do better

























Everything Vince can do













Joe can do better









Everything Vince can do













Joe can do better









It gets so bad that it eventually leads to one of the greatest one-sided feuds I have ever seen on Survivor.













"You and I, with our spirit and intelligence, we really could make it all the way."















"I'mma let you finish, but Joey Amazing has the most spirit and intelligence of all time."









Capped off, of course, by this amazing confessional.













"Where Joe and I stand, as of right now..."













"It really is cold war, with missiles pointed."















"I mean, we're ready to start firing away. And it's gonna get crazy."









Cut to Joe, who basically says...



My biggest concern right now is that our shelter's too small









12. And, of course, the most amazing thing about Vince as a Survivor character... the thing that will always make him a legend to me...











No, not the hair sniffing thing















Ewwww, no





... is, despite the fact that he's the weirdest, most bizarre archetype in the history of Survivor...



I vend coconuts yet I still cannot find truth, this confounds me















I CANNOT EXIST AROUND PEOPLE WHO HUG EVILLY









His ENTIRE legacy essentially just comes down to this.







"I do work too. And I need to be acknowledged!"







That's right. He's the guy who sells coconuts for a living. Who walks around with an entire chicken in his hair. Who spends 150-200% of his life seeking real and truth. Who hugs people for a minimum of ten seconds.

He's the weirdest Survivor player aside from maybe Tocantins-era Coach.









"The guy with the feathers, he's everything that I expected him to be."













"And more. Maybe."







Vince does ALL that, for two whole episodes, and what is his biggest complaint?











Nobody noticed me!











And that, my friends, is how a player who only lasted two episodes winds up with a character entry.











Right after Joe put a lime in his coconut









































P.S. When in doubt, always end an entry with a Jenn quote.









"He's playin' this game a little harder than I woulda seen comin' out of them feathers."













P.P.S. Some fun little Vince trivia from Reddit.

























P.P.P.S. I have an entire bonus section of this entry too. Click here if you're ready for the hilarious Vince photoshop challenge.



































Thank you to Cory Gage for the Kat/FUBC picture





