The Importance of Pride and Why I’ve Chosen to Identify as Genderqueer





Being June, this month is pride month. Naturally that means that LGBTQ+ issues have been on my mind a lot. As a baby bisexual who only accepted their sexuality a few months ago, and who only came out a few months ago, pride has been especially important for me. I’ve grappled with my bi-cycles, learned to be proud of my body but also take care of it, tried to flirt with girls, and accepted the fact that bisexuality isn’t just limited to the gender binary anymore. But those are all topics for another time. No, the real topic here is gender identity.





You see, as soon as I was able to dress myself, and pick my own clothing, I never really fit either extreme of the typical “girly girl” or “tomboy”. I wear t-shirts and jeans every day I get the chance. I only ever shave my legs in the summer yet I still shave other areas of my body. I will sometimes wear dresses and skirts now, but I barely own either of those, and they make me uncomfortable sometimes (though that is partially because my thick thighs rub together underneath if I’m not careful). But I also love putting on makeup, both girly makeup and the makeup that I have started putting on when performing as my drag king alter ego, Fallen Star. While sure, gender expression does not equate gender identity, there’s clearly something more to this. I have taken to wearing sports bras lately because they make my large chest flatter. I love wearing drag, but the packer I wear can get very uncomfortable, even if we account for the fact I made the crochet stitches too big. And when I got my edgy sideswept haircut chopped off for a more androgynous transition-to-a-pixie-cut haircut, it felt so freeing. To me, this shows that there is something deeper to this than just being confused or not conforming to gender norms.





But at the same time, I still acknowledge my femininity. I don’t want a penis, and I’m not sure I want top surgery or hrt. I still like the parts that, biologically speaking, make me a girl. Of course, I realize that not every trans person’s transition is the same, but I know deep down in my heart, I’m not trans. However I am beginning to realize that deep down, I’m not 100% female either. So, what am I?





I considered the label demigirl. It would still acknowledge my attachment to the gender of girl, but also acknowledge that I’m not 100% a girl either. Demigirl, however, still felt too restrictive. I also then considered genderfluid. However, I don’t feel like I wake up one morning as a woman, a man, both, or neither. I wake up and I’m just me. I also considered agender, but truth be told I don’t feel as though I have no gender at all. Androgyne was a thought, but I feel that my at times androgynous fashion style does not mean I am, myself, androgynous. I have considered going back to being cis, but that doesn’t feel right, because it doesn’t acknowledge that I do sometimes feel as though I am not 100% female or male.





That is where we come to the final decision. Genderqueer, or non-binary. The problem I had with myself identifying as non-binary is that non-binary seems too stationary for me. I know that it’s not that way for everyone, but for me, identifying as non-binary would be like anchoring down in one spot. But for me, my gender identity is a little more flexible than that. Not to the point of genderfluidity, but not as stiff as a board either. Another important factor in this was the word queer itself. I feel that queer is an amazing word. Originally, it meant weird or unusual. I definitely feel that my identity is unusual, so that fit. I also liked that queer was a reclaimed slur. That’s why I also double it up with my bisexual label, to acknowledge that I am not attracted solely to cis people, and to acknowledge that I’m not pansexual either. But again, that’s another topic for another time. So the word genderqueer has a powerful, multifaceted meaning for me.





But there are downsides to this label. It has a very trendy connotation, and I’ve already had people not take it seriously. It’s a label that my parents will likely never understand, which makes me a little wary of coming out to them. Also it has a very political connotation, which means I’ll likely get people telling me I’m an SJW, or that it’s a cringy mogai label. While sure, it is a mogai label, I am coming to peace with that. I can handle being cringy if it means staying true to myself. I’ve tried my whole life to conform to other’s expectations, and it’s just not worth it to bend over backwards to please others. However that doesn’t mean I’m going to force my coworkers to use my they pronouns, or get offended if someone misgenders me. It’s not something I need to waste my time with, and it really doesn’t bother me. Also, I don’t feel the need to medically become more neutral, or change my gender on my driver’s license, and while I’ve considered a gender neutral nickname or name, I don’t think that’s necessary either. I am me, and I need to express who I am, but I also need to pick and choose my battles.





So why does this matter in the context of the importance of having a pride month? Well, the reason is essentially this; Pride month gave me a whole month where, as I searched for a months worth of facts, I was able to read many articles on LGBTQ+ issues, learn about our history, and learn about labels that I had never heard of. Labels that made me begin to search my soul and think about who I am, and who I want to be. That includes my gender identity. Also, it gave me a reason to be proud of who I am. Seeing people just like me, of all ages, of all walks of life, it makes me feel proud. Because of this, I’ve become more confident in myself overall. I’m proud of my body, I’m admitting my mistakes and working to fix them, and I’m trying to be a more kind yet assertive individual. I have been very down in the dumps the last few months, but it seems that accepting my gender identity has caused a ripple effect inside of me. I still have bad days, sure. But there was a time when I was crying every day. When I felt like I would never have another good day. I contemplated killing myself, but here I am now. I’m stronger, I’m better, and I’m alive. And I’d be willing to say that at least part of that is thanks to me coming to terms with who I am.





So to everyone who is like I was, questioning, confused, scared of what others might think, don’t be. Try things out, like painting your nails, doing makeup, cutting your hair, or being addressed by different pronouns. Learn about gender identities, and explore how they make you feel. I encourage you all to get to know yourself. You may find you like what you see.