'Twas a quaint midsummer's day, a radiant day, a great day indeed to be preaching the good word of the Crown Prince Toyosatomimi, yet I, Futo of the great clan Mononobe, did stand before the sanctum of the enemy - the Temple of Myouren! One must surely wonder why I, a noble and honest servant of Shoutoku Taishi, did come of mine own volition to such a bastion of pseudo-enlightened lunacy, yea, to such a wretched hive of youkai scum and villainy. Espionage? Something more insidious - sabotage? Mayhaps a direct assault on the these shameless prophets of youkai dominion!?

Nay, nay. Thy hypotheses, while reasonable, are incorrect! Thou hast not a clue of the true significance of my visit! There shall be no skirmish here, for I, Futo, am here to seek the means towards a more noble goal - knowledge. Yea, I, Futo, desire to learn the method to becoming, as the modern people of this land of Gensokyo do say...

'Cool'.

"Can I help you?" The yamabiko guarding the gate doth inquire, gazing upon my form with mild surprise, for surely she expecteth not a visitor of such handsomeness, a shikaisen of my caliber to appear before her.

"Why, I desire to speak with thy head priest," I explain, "the one with the loud, wheeled personal transportation device!"

"Oh, you... mean... Hijiri-sama's motorcycle?"

"Yea! This 'motorcycle' of which thou dost speak, such objects are commonly considered 'cool', no? I wish to learn the art of 'coolness' from thy master! Nay, I demand she instructeth me, lest the wrath of this servant of the Crown Prince be wrought upon thy temple! Thou wouldst do well to heed my words, youkai!"

"Wait, you don't need a motorcycle if you wanna be cool! It's a lot simpler than that!"

A surprising revelation. I narrow my gaze at the youkai before me. I have my suspicions, but it is true; Kyouko knoweth more of the art of 'coolness' than I.

"How so?" I inquire.

"Oh, well motorcycles are cool, yeah! But that's not the important part!" The girl approacheth me, brimming with enthusiasm. "You see, being cool's about having the aesthetic! Whenever I perform with Mystia, I make sure to dress really awesome! Sunglasses, my leather jacket, all the stuff I bought from that Kourindou place!"

"The aesthetic..." I repeat. "Of course! I see! It matters little how I act, yea, to become 'cool', I must embrace the 'coolness' as a part of my being! I must don myself in the garb of 'cool', and allow the qi of 'cool' to flow through me!"

"Um... I think, what you said!" the yamabiko doth respond, with an eager jump of affirmation. "I don't really know what any of that means, but if we give you a cool look, you'll be way cooler!"

"Huzzah!" I exclaim, for to I, the secret hath been made known!

"Come on, Mononobe-san, I've got spares I can give you!"

I follow the girl into the temple, with a small amount of apprehension. Thou shalt knowest that I, Mononobe no Futo, am a devout Taoist and loyal friend of the Crown Prince, and do not condone the teachings of this place; thusly I am far from welcome here, and very aware of the fact. Yet there is no issue; my worries are for naught. Yea, before long I find myself in the mountain echo's bedchamber, as I do watch her search fervently through her belongings. Now, thou shalt also knowest that I, Futo of the great clan Mononobe, doth respect the privacy of ladies, even the enemy, and politely avert my gaze, but turn curiously when the youkai begs mine attention.

I see in her grip a pair of darkened spectacles, and inquire as to their purpose.

"They're sunglasses, silly! They're meant for keeping your eyes safe from the sun, but you should wear them even if you don't need them, because they make you look awesome!"

I don the eyewear, and note that my surroundings immediately appeareth to be darkened. In curiosity, I turn my gaze towards the room's circular window, to test the yamabiko's claim of this item of apparel shielding one's eyes from the sun's rays.

"Oh my gosh, no, don't do that! Even with sunglasses, you're not supposed to look at the sun!"

I make the rather unpleasant discovery that these spectacles do not fully shield the eyes. I, Mononobe no Futo, have been misled! Feeling foolish, I massage mine eyes and readjust the glasses.

"You dummy! Here, look, here's a mirror! You should see how you look!"

I gaze upon my reflection. Of what I had expected to see, I am not sure, but regardless, I am fascinated by the image in the looking-glass before me. 'Tis I! However, mine emotions are hidden beneath the cool, unfeeling gaze of the darkened spectacles. Yea, verily, I gaze upon a renewed Futo! A handsome lady of firm temperament, who doth not allow the enigmatic inner machinations of her mind to outwardly affect her composure! 'Tis a remarkable transformation, and suddenly I find myself with a newfound respect for this youkai and her mastery of 'coolness'.

"Um... what was that just now?"

"What dost thou mean?"

"Something about machinations?"

"Eh!? I spoke aloud?"

"Yeah, a little!"

"Forsooth!" I feel my cheeks tinge a rosy hue. 'Twas not information meant for any other ears. "Please, disregardest my ramblings!"

"Um... okay! Well, anyway, you look amazing! You're way cooler than before, definitely!"

The boom of pride swells within me, and I stand confidently. It is true! I, humble Futo, have noticed an obvious change in the flow of my personal qi purely from donning these spectacles!

"I am cool!" I exclaim, to which the girl Kyouko gleefully laughs, and I stare in mild confusion. For what reason does she laugh?

"That's only the sunglasses! You haven't even tried on anything else, yet! Look, there's spiked bracelets, and my leather jacket, and- oh! Oh, my studded belt, and-"

...

And that is how, after the passing of a half-hour, the head priestess of the Myouren Temple does come to find I, Futo of the Mononobe, clad in the yamabiko's vestments of 'coolness'. Her appearance startleth me, admittedly, for I had not been aware of her arrival until she had already entered the room. Yea, when she suddenly speaketh, I do briefly lose my composure.

"H-Hijiri! From whence hast thou came!?"

"You know, I believe I'm the one who should be asking that here. What brings one of Toyosatomimi's devout to our temple?" The head priest does pause, noticing mine apparel. "And why are you wearing Kyouko's absurd musical outfit..."

"It's not absurd, Hijiri-sama, it's my band uniform! It's cool!"

"Kyouko-chan, haven't I told you that it's highly unbecoming of-"

"Yea, the yamabiko speaketh the truth, Hijiri! She hath taught me the method to becoming 'cool'! Do not these garments radiate the very essence of, as thou dost say, 'coolness'?"

I pose to allow her to briefly bask in mine aura of coolness. She respondeth not. Clearly, she is too stunned by the sheer radiance of mine incredible new appearance for words. I do not blame her; anybody would be.

"...Er, well. They're... interesting, certainly! Although there are surely other ways than that to appear... cool, aren't there?"

I consider this. My change in apparel hath evidently impressed her not. Mayhaps the yamabiko hath not the level of 'coolness' knowledge she originally seemed to. Yea, there must be other, superior ways to achieve 'coolness'. Like...

"...Like thy motorcycle?"

"Motor- wait, that old thing?"

"Yea! It is said that thy vehicle is the epitome of 'coolness'! 'Twas mine original goal in coming here!"

"Really? Well, I suppose it is quite a stylish thing..."

"Lady Hijiri! I pray thee, teach me to ride upon thy motorcycle! Yea, I wish to become a 'biker'! By substituting the ancient legend of Okiku with thy contemporary tale, I shall far exceed my current level of 'cool', of this I am certain!"

"Ah? Aha, well if you're that interested, I suppose I could show you how it works." The temple's head priest smileth fondly upon me. "Why don't we head to the courtyard and get started, Mononobe-san?"

"Of course! I eagerly await!"

...

"So... turneth the 'igniton key' to activate the vehicle-"

As the key turneth within my hand, I feel the motorcycle flare to life beneath me with an incredible rumble, and find myself at a loss for words. This sensation is powerful and unusual. I sense the unbridled power of the contraption beneath me, and find it difficult to contain mine awe.

"I am finding it difficult to contain mine awe!" I exclaim to make this fact known.

"Ah, yes, that starts it! Well done, Mononobe-san! Now, if you want to accelerate, you must turn the throttle. It's that handle there, see? You want to twist that."

Indeed, the rightmost handlebar of the motorcycle gives beneath my grip. I gently coax the handle forward, and to mine immense startlement, the vehicle moveth in response to mine action!

"Very good! Now, why don't you slow down and turn around?"

"S-slow?" I ask, confounded, as the vehicle increaseth in velocity. My hand grippeth the throttle instinctively. Yea, in hindsight, 'twas not a reaction befitting mine astounding wisdom, but in my defense, the sudden locomotion of the motorcycle had caught me off-guard.

"L-Lady Hijiri, this infernal contraption stoppeth not! Please advise!"

"Mononobe-san, you have to let go of the handle!"

Let go? Let go!? Nay, letting go would clearly spell my peril! Why, I could barely cling to the rapidly-accelerating machine as is, were I to weaken my grasp, I surely would fall!

"N-nay! I cannot do that!" I exclaim in a panic as I am carried on a wild course by the swerving vehicle. "I simply cannot! Lady Hijiri, help me!"

The motorcycle swerveth erratically along the temple path, on an impact course with a large stone statue of the Buddha. I foresee not the impending collision, as mine eyes are shut and I am screaming. Certainly thou couldst imagine my surprise at being suddenly flung forth at incredible speed towards the temple graveyard.

The motorcycle hath been destroyed, the statue fractured, and I lay atop the remains of a shattered grave marker, praying that the deceased whose resting place I have defiled so bears no resentment toward me.

Lady Hijiri bestows upon me a disappointed shake of the head, and I sigh. Today, I have not bested the motorcycle. The motorcycle hath bested me.

...

Let it be known that I, the great Futo of clan Mononobe, am not a quitter! Nay, I simply... found... difficulty, with the motorcycle. That is all! 'Tis the truth!

Regardless, it is clear to me that a different approach is required. Mayhaps the motorcycle proveth difficult, but 'tis not the only machine of Outside World design! Indeed, I know of an antique shop specializing in goods from beyond the barrier. With luck, I shall become the very definition of 'coolness' by making use of the goods within!

"You want... what? I'm afraid I don't understand."

The shopkeeper, Morichika, giveth me a look of confusion. I suppose his reaction is only to be expected; surely 'tis not often a form as divine as mine own appeareth within this dusty antique shop.

"I desire the secret to the art of 'coolness'!" I do explain, with an eager wave of mine arms. "I wish to wield the most 'cool' technologies of modernity, yea, I wish for the masses to gaze upon me and think, verily, that Mononobe no Futo is a shining light of contemporary 'radical'-ity! I want them to say that, Morichika-san! Therefore, givest me thy relics of the world beyond the barrier!"

"Er, you do realize that this is a shop."

"Pardon me, sellest me thy relics!"

"You know, I'm a little confused as to what you're looking for, anyway. Something... cool? You want something with the purpose of enhancing your appearance...?"

"Indeed! Thou art a conoisseur of Outside World artifacts, nay? Thou must know of something befitting my splendor!"

The shopkeeper gazeth upon me for a moment, to, I assume, bask in mine aforementioned splendor.

"Well, I suppose I could have a look. Why don't you wait there?"

I do as he asketh, and soon, the shopkeeper returneth with an assortment of odd objects, laying them before me upon the countertop. I briefly examine the selection, and pick up what appeareth to be a sort of metallic rod.

"What is this?"

"Ah, that. From my understanding, it is called a 'selfie stick'. One would use it to take a photograph of oneself from a distance, I believe."

"Eh? Thou meanst to say that this rod is of a similar nature to the photographic devices used by the tengu?"

"Ah, no. The device itself is not a camera, but is merely a supporting item for a camera."

"...But I do not own a camera! Of what use to me is this device without one?"

"Well, as far as I know, simply owning one is seen as stylish in some circles, so I figured it may be to your liking."

I consider this. The rod doth have a pleasing sheen to it, akin to the well-polished blade of a sword. This 'selfie stick' is clearly an item of high value and expert craftsmanship. I wonder about the name of the smith who crafted it.

"...Yea, I suppose this item is worth keeping. What else hast thou brought me?"

"I'm glad you asked." Morichika-san handeth me what appear to be a bright green pair of spectacles, akin to Kasodani-san's 'sunglasses', yet in the place of darkened lenses, horizontal bars spanneth the openings in the frame.

"What are these...?"

"They're called 'shutter shades'. Their function is to protect the eyes from sunlight. This variety, I believe, is regarded as far more stylish and modern than the kind using polarizing lenses."

I don the spectacles and briefly gaze around the shop. My vision is partially obscured; I know not exactly how practical these are. However, if they are considered 'cool' as it is said, then it is very much worth my time to keep them.

"And... this article of clothing..."

"That's a T-shirt. It's standard fare Outside World apparel."

I examine the piece of fabric. It seemeth quite simple, mayhaps even too so? Yet there is also an appeal in its simplicty. As well as that, there is an image of a cat on the front. It is situated against a background of outer space, and rides upon a rainbow. I am fond of this image.

"Oh, and lastly, you may take an interest in this." The shopkeeper adjusteth his spectacles, and then holdeth up the last and final item, a sleek, rounded item that appeareth to be weighted. 'Tis no bigger than the palm of his hand.

"What is it?" I inquire.

"It's called a 'fidget spinner'. From my understanding, while its original function is to aid in attentivity, it seems to have caught on as a popular trend."

"Yon contraption? It seemeth unremarkable. I must express my skepticism. What value doth such a simple thing hold?"

"Observe."

Morichika-san raiseth a finger and bringeth it down upon the side of the item, causing the object to begin to rotate, and mine entire understanding of the world is turned on its head.

"E-egad! Such elegenace! Such beauty! The smoothness, the quietness, yea, the symmetry! This item! This item is verily the most beauteous of human innovations! Its refined shape, this is feng shui as I have never before observed! I feel the qi flowing through mine entire form! This..."

The spinning ceaseth, and I cup the device gingerly in my hands, as if 't'were a gift of divinity.

"This... this is perfection. The world beyond the barrier hath trounced our genius once more, and many times over at that! Morichika-san, I pray thee, wouldst thou bestow this most sacrosanct of geometrical constructions upon this unworthy servant of the Crown Prince Toyosatomimi?"

"Er... as I said, this is a shop. I'll give you everything here for 3600 yen."

"Thou driveth a hard bargain, Morichika-san, but thou hast thyself a deal!" I exclaim. T'was a fair price to pay for the sake of coolness. He accepteth my money, and I take my procured items.

"My sincerest thanks, shopkeep! Thou hast aided me greatly! I shall not forget our encounter!"

"You're welcome, please come again."

...

Now, clad in the apparel of a 'cool' modern person from beyond the border, and proudly making my return to a convenient locaton from which to access Senkai, I come upon none other than the Outside's goddess of Hell, Lapislazuli, the one that had come in the wake of the lunar invasion, accompanied by her fae servant. Previously, I did find her mannerisms to be perplexing and incomprehensible, but now I was presented with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate my newfound modern touch!

"Oh, hey there, Mononobe! Totes loving the new outfit! What's the deal?"

"I have embraced modernity!" I exclaim, and proudly display my 'T-shirt', the one with the artistic depiction of the cat. The goddess doth laugh; it pleaseth me to see her charmed so by mine apparel. I twirl my fidget spinner in pride.

"What is she wearing?" the fairy asketh. Her confusion is understandable; 'tis a surprising sight indeed, to gaze upon my super-modern vestments.

"Shh, be nice, Clownpiece! Futo, you look so... funky! I'm loving it. You said you're trying to be modern?"

"Indeed! Doth not this combination of garments givest thou the impression of a 'cool', contemporary lass, yea, one whose knowledge and familiarity with modern style knoweth no bounds?"

The goddess and fairy both suddenly bursteth into laughter. Their reaction is far from what I expected, and I am confused.

"D-doth it not?" I inquire worriedly.

"Nah, listen, girl. A T-shirt and shades alone aren't gonna help you be modern! You gotta work on your talk! Like, how old-school can you be? Yo, it's 2017, didn't you get the memo?"

"Yeah, didn't you get it?" the fairy repeateth.

"Th-there was no memo! Nay, I never did recieve any sort of communication!" I inform them, full of worry. Was this - could this be the underlying reason for my lack of 'coolness'? Could-

"Hey, hey, relax! See what I mean? That was a figure of speech."

"Figure... of speech?"

"Yeah! Like, when you say something that doesn't literally mean what it says. You know! Man, we really gotta work on that!"

"I... I have frequently been informed that my dialect and mannerisms are those of antiquity..."

"No offense, but... yeah. But hey, that can be fixed! All I gotta do is teach you some modern things to say! Like... okay, how about we start off with something simple. Say, 'lol'!"

"Elowell!"

"No, no, like, L-O-L. The letters!"

"L-o-l!" I repeat, feeling a little foolish. "Its meaning...?"

"It's short for, 'laugh out loud'!" the fairy chimeth in, waving her arms for emphasis. "So you say it at something that would make you laugh! Like a joke, or something luuunatic-crazy!"

"Thou... speakest thy laughter in the form of an acronym, rather than simply... laughing? 'Tis truly the modern thing to do?"

"Yeah! It might seem a little weird to you, I guess," the goddess replieth, "but everybody does it, trust me!"

I conclude that I shall place my trust in the goddess. Who am I to argue with divinity?

"Are there more?" I ask.

"Yeah, tons! Like, you got brb, which is 'be right back', omg, 'oh my god'..."

"btw, for 'by the way'," the fairy addeth, "idk is 'i don't know', ily is 'i love you', wtf is 'what th-"

"Watch it."

"D-did I say 'f'? I... I meant 'h'! 'wth'... what the hell! Y'know, like, Hell, Hecatia-sama! R-right?"

"...Sure."

The goddess giveth her fairy companion a strange look; I am unsure as to what hath prompted this exchange, but it seemeth to concern me not, so I elect to ignore it.

"Hmm, let's see, there's lmao, that's 'laughing my ass off', rofl, 'rolling on the floor laughing', roflmao, which is a combination of those two-"

"Thou... thou hast an impressive number of acronyms. Even for something simple as a laugh... am... am I truly supposed to remember all of these?"

"Oh hey, don't worry! They come kinda naturally! Besides, even if that's confusing, there's more than just acronyms that people say these days! Like... lit."

"Lit?"

"Yeah, it's like, totally lit!"

I turn briefly my gaze upwards, before returning it to the goddess. "Well... the sun shineth, what dost thou expect?"

"Nah, not like that! It's what you say when something's like, totally amazing! It's lit af!"

"Ah, I... I believe I understand! In that case... Crown Prince Toyosatomimi, whom I diligently serve with all of my honor, is... lit af!"

"See, now you're getting it!~"

"Hecatiaaaa, she's so weiiiird..."

"Clowpi, shush already, she's learning and she's cute!"

...

For the next hour, I sit upon a fallen log with the surprisingly pleasant goddess of Hell, as she teacheth me the language of 'coolness'. I try with my most valiant efforts to memorize this unfamiliar vernacular, for the sake of 'coolness'! Mine image doth depend upon it!

"So! That makes sense, right?"

"Hell yeah! Thou hast been, like, totes helpfuls in the betterment of my modern vocabulary! I feel, like, so totally woke right now. 'Tis an incredibly lit transformation in character, no? Verily I feel like a different Mononobe no Futo, yo! Hashtag goals!"

"Yeah! See, that's awesome! You sound way less lame than you did before!"

The fairy giveth her master an odd look, as if this statement hath wronged her somehow. I am curious, yet she speaketh not, thus the mystery goeth unsolved.

"Hell yeah!" I reply once more. "Indeed, I swear upon Hells both former and current! My coolness knoweth like, zero bounds, my dude! L-m-a-o!"

"Indeed! It's like you're a whole new person! Use that new knowledge wisely, you hear?"

"I shall! Now, thou shalt excusest me whilst I b-r-b to showcase my newfound vernacular elsewhere! Later, alligator! For now I, like, depart, guys!"

The goddess waveth as I take my leave. With a friendly farewell-twirl of my fidget spinner, I go upon my way.

...

I am of a mind to enter the village and observe the reactions of the townsfolk before I return to Senkai, however, before I even near the gates, I encounter the human Usami, the girl who entereth this land from within her slumber. Upon noticing me, she seemeth taken aback by mine apparel. Her startlement doth fill me with pride; yea, never before hath mine appearance such a paralyzing effect!

"...Futo-san?" she asketh, gazing upon my form. "What on Earth are you wearing?"

I pose briefly to grant her a more fitting view of mine incredible garments. She is amused, and I smile in pride.

"'Sup, Usami-san! As thou wilt no doubt be able to see, this bitch hath transcended the boundary of modernity to becometh the wokest, most lit embodiment of 'cool' thou hast ever borne witness to! Yea, verily I am beyond radical, thou couldst say I am the awesomest!" I spin the fidget spinner to accentuate my coolness.

"...Oh my god," is all the human sayeth in response, "Are you actually- oh my go- pfft, I have to get this on camera-"

The girl appeareth at my side in what seemeth to be a mere instant, and performeth some sort of action with her portable device.

"What hast thou done?" I ask, quickly appending a "B-t-w" upon realizing the sentence lacketh any modern touch.

"I just took a selfie is all! Sorry, you just look too rich right now!"

"Selfie... oh, this item in my possession...!" I exclaim, and brandish the 'selfie stick' from before.

"Oh my god, you- what are you doing with that? Nobody uses those, they're so dumb, you- you don't even have a phone!" the girl explaineth through bouts of laughter.

"A.... phone?" I ask. "I am supposed to possess a device akin to thine own? Is that the path to 'coolness'?" I am confused. Doth not my possessions painteth me as a staple of modernity? What hath brought about her jeery reaction?

"Coolness? Is that what you're trying to do? Oh my god. Listen, first of all, ditch that shirt, and the shades. The spinner and the selfie stick, too, those are all fads.

"N-nay! Whilst I trust thy greater knowledge of the Outside World, I shall not give up my spinner! 'Tis the most perfect and divine of geometrical contraptions ever created! Thou might sooner pryest it from the grip of my corpse! Yea, 'tis lit af, I cannot give it up."

"Okay, whatever, but whatever you do, don't talk like that again."

"Lit af?"

"Yeah, oh my god, stop. Nobody says that like that. Nobody."

"B-but... the goddess of hell hath taught me her phrases!"

"Listen, who do you trust more about modern stuff? A thousand-year-old goddess with a terrible fashion sense, or an actual teenager?"

"...Point taken, I suppose."

"Hey, don't look so glum! If you're just trying to be cool, talking doesn't really matter, anyway. Some might even say your dialect is... hipster, or something. Seriously though, all you really have to do is participate in modern culture! Like being active online!"

"On...line?" I ask. This phrase is new to me.

"Yeah, look, I just posted your picture and there are already comments, see?"

I regard curiously Usami-san's device, where an image of myself and she dominateth the screen. Below that, there appeareth text.

"See, look. This person asked if you were in some sort of cosplay, and this one likes your shirt!"

"...Well, 'tis a fine shirt," I reply, feeling a swell of pride within me. "Yet I am afraid I understand little. Who commenteth upon that photograph?"

"Eh, you know. People online?"

"Online?"

"Ah, I probably should have considered that you guys wouldn't know about the internet! That makes sense, after all. Gensokyo is technologically inferior, and if you're from the Asuka period, it probably makes even less sense to you."

"Internet? Pardon, Usami-san, but I know not of this 'internet'. Might thou enlighten me?"

"Well! How to put this... I guess... the entire world is linked by an invisible courier service that... sends messages to other people by... flashing light signals at machines in the sky..."

"Er..."

"Well, to make a long story short, it allows instant communication! I used that to share the photograph with a bunch of people, and they're using it to comment on it! Like... uh-oh."

"Is there a problem?"

"N-nope! Don't look!"

I look regardless. A particularly strange message hath been added beneath the previous two comments:

lmao what the hell is this sumireko? did u actually get someone to dress up in that fuckin old fashioned shit or something oh my god lol your fantasy land stuff is such bullshit. what a joke quit trying 2 troll

It maketh very little sense, but I begin to acquire the distinct feeling that I am being mocked.

"H-hey! Come on now, don't take that seriously-"

"H-have... I been insulted?"

"Look, people aren't really very quick to believe my photos of Gensokyo are real, okay. I've been trying to prove it, but any time I take a picture of something super obvious like that hanging castle or a danmaku duel or something the photo ends up vanishing. In the meantime, people are just gonna think I'm weird until I can get something good."

Whilst I ponder this, another comment appeareth:

the hell is this, heian hipster? bad cosplay. 0/10 get it off my feed

"H-hey! 'Tis clear, these are insults! Why, these cowardly fools wouldst not dare say this to my face!"

"H-hey! Futo, settle down! They're always like this, don't worry! That's just how the internet is."

go die lmao

"Th-that settleth it! Have at thee!"

"Futo, no!"

I clutch the device within my hand, and despite Usami's protests, hurl it with force at the ground, where it doth explode into numerous fragments. The human girl appeareth dismayed, though currently I am too preoccupied with cries of victory to notice.

"'Tis what happens to foolish peasantry with the audacity to insulteth a member of clan Mononobe, a servant of the Crown Prince, and a shikaisen at that! Good day to thee, I say!"

"Futo, that was my phone! What the hell?"

"'Twas not doing thee any good to carry! I have vanquished it! 'Twas filled with unkind spirits. Verily, I have done thee a favor! Thou shalt thankest me!"

Usami-san, however, thanketh me not, but simply giveth a sigh and taketh her leave. I stand there momentarily, somewhat confused.

"F-fare thee well, Usami-san!" I call hastily after her quickly-retreating form.

...

Later, after my return to Senkai, I sit upon a stone by the river in reflection. Not one of mine attempts to become 'cool' hath succeeded, and for what reason, I understand not. I have tried everything! Garments, objects, vernacular, enduring snide remarks upon mine image, yea, even mounting the dreaded motorcycle hath accomplished naught, and not even my fidget spinner, mine immaculate, symmetric rotary symbol, could confer upon me even a smidgen of contemporary grace.

I sigh, folding mine arms. Just then, a reflection appeareth in the ripples before me - Tojiko. I heard not her approach; naturally she lacketh the noise of footsteps. I turn to face her.

"Futo? Is something the matter? You look kind of glum, there."

Alas, my melancholic expression betrayeth me. I cannot hide, it seemeth, and so I spill forth the truth.

"...It seems I shall never be 'cool'."

"Cool? Futo, what're you talking about, now?"

"Alas, I tried! I did try! But it seemeth that no matter what I attempt, I make a rightful fool of myself."

The ghost sitteth - or, rather, she entereth into the closest position to sitting she is capable of, a sort of midair hover. One of her hands closeth upon mine arm.

"Attempt what?"

"'Coolness'! Yea, 'tis not unknown that the elements of this world's contemporary lifestyle are... comically beyond my reach. 'Twas a distant dream to hope for, nothing more."

"So you've been trying to be more modern?" Tojiko asketh with a small tilt of the head. "Is that it?"

I nod in response. "I dislike these feelings of confusion, alienation. We live in a world far beyond what we once had known. Were it only I could grasp that..."

"Well... I don't know, I've always found it kind of charming," the ghost sayeth, and both her words and smile surpriseth me. "Everything's changed, but you're something familiar, and nostalgic. I'm not in a huge rush for you to change. I don't see why you should be, either."

"Th-thou speakest quite fondly of me, despite thy demise at my hand," I stammer in response, and to my surprise, Tojiko returneth a giggle.

"Futo, your enthusiasm is something everybody enjoys seeing. Your... you-ness. That's not something we'd want to change! You don't have to be anybody but yourself for us to think you're cool, and it wouldn't be better any other way. It's important to me that you see that."

"I... I suppose... thou speakest the truth." I admit, feeling a small amount of warmth in my face.

"No matter how you talk, or dress, or act, you'll always be our lovely Futo. No matter how many years pass, that will never change. Come on, now. Why don't you come inside? It's late."

Tojiko's hand tuggeth insistently. I nod, and follow after her. I think that, now, I have realized the truth: I, Futo of clan Mononobe, never did need to learn the art of 'coolness'.

I smile. It is as I did suspect.

I, Futo, was already the coolest!