If you’re like me, you have no dog in the fight in this Super Bowl. Packers vs. Steelers may not do much for you, so you need something other than clever beer commercials to keep you entertained. The solution for you is prop bets. Yes prop bets, those wagers on the coin toss and everything else that could possibly happen before, during, and after the big game.

So, if you have loads of disposable income and a compulsive gambling problem, prop bets are for you.

Here are this year’s Super Bowl prop bets courtesy of Bodog.com (http://sports.bodog.com/sports-betting/football-team-props.jsp). I promise you, these are actual bets on which you can wager actual American dollars.

How many times will FOX show Jerry Jones during the game?

Over/Under 2.5

I am not a betting man, but 20 bucks seems like a no-brainer here. Two and a half? They’ll have three shots of Jerry before the end of the first quarter. The game is being played in his stadium without his team. The TV cameras are going to try get him frowning, squirming, and half-heartedly applauding every chance they get and I have a feeling there will be no shortage of opportunities.

Who will FOX show first during the game?

Jessica Szohr (Aaron Rodger’s girlfriend)

Ashley Harlan (Ben Roethlisberger’s fiancée)

I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking. Ben Roethlisberger has a fiancée!? The same Ben Roethlisberger whose escapades include allegations of sexual assault on two different occasions within two years? The same Ben Roethlisberger who nearly killed himself when he wrecked his motorcycle which he was driving without a license and without a helmet? The same Ben Roethlisberger who could win the award for “Doughiest Dude to Play Quarterback in the NFL?” That guy has a fiancée and I can’t get a third date with a girl? I’m rooting for Jessica Szohr here because seeing Ashley Harlan will just make me mad.

What color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the head of the winning coach?

Blue 10/1

Clear/Water 9/4

Lime Green 11/2

Orange 3/1

Red 5/1

Yellow 3/2

Yellow has to be the favorite because it’s one of the main colors in each team’s uniform. That being said, it’s not easy to distinguish between yellow Gatorade and lime green Gatorade. Who makes that call? Can that be appealed? So many questions. Don’t ask me why, but I’m taking red. If you actually wager on this, you might want to call the gambler’s help line immediately.

Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleader at any point during the halftime show?

Yes/No

All signs point to yes on this one. Let’s face it, Fergie is usually wearing something skimpy anyway, and the Cowboys’ cheerleaders loom too large in that stadium for her not to incorporate it into her act. She’s a savvy entertainer who knows her audience and it will definitely get a response from the crowd. So prepare to cover the eyes of your small children.

How long will it take Christina Aguilera to sing the national anthem?

Over/Under 1 minute and 54 seconds

I don’t care if you’ve sold millions of records and played to sold out arenas all over the world, this is the Super Bowl and you’re going to milk that face time for all it’s worth. Plus, Christina Aguilera can take about a hundred breaths and a countless number of syllables just to sing the words “you are beautiful.” She can hold a note five times longer than your average pop star, so the real prop bet should be: Will I have to pee before the national anthem is even over?

Who will the announcers say has better hair?

Troy Polamalu (Steelers’ safety)

Clay Matthews (Packers’ linebacker)

I really want to know who is betting on this. I want their names and addresses so I can hug their wives and children and tell them “Daddy loves you, but he has a problem.” If I’m Joe Buck or Troy Aikman I think there are more relevant things to discuss than which guy’s mane has better bounce as he takes down a ball carrier. I’d like to hear substance and analysis from my broadcasters. I hope that’s not asking too much. They can mention hair only if one guy gets yanked down by the hair, then it’s part of the play and I’ll allow it.

How many times will FOX mention Brett Favre during the game?

Over/Under 2.5

This is even easier than the Jerry Jones bet. Brett Favre played for the Packers and was the supposed mentor for Aaron Rodgers who has been living in Favre’s shadow ever since taking over as the starting quarterback. Brett Favre won a Super Bowl in Green Bay, now Rodgers is trying to bring home a title for the cheese heads. There will be endless comparing and contrasting and a continuous loop of comments such as:

“You wonder what Brett Favre is thinking if he’s watching right now.”

“Can Aaron Rodgers win over the hearts and minds of Packer fans like Brett Favre did?”

“Aaron Rodgers can help these fans forget about their ugly split Brett Favre.”

“How much of what Aaron Rodgers has learned came from the mind of Brett Favre?”

And on and on and on it will go…The over/under here should be more like thirty.

Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first?

Coach

Family

God

Teammates

Does Not Thank Anyone

Toss up between God and teammates. Coaches never get thanked first and neither does family. Those thank you’s always come a little later in the interview. To me there is a logical hierarchy of thanking that needs to take place. Thank God first because He gave you the talent and ability to play at this level. Thank your teammates second because, well, it is a team sport. Thank your coaches third because they put you in a position to succeed. Thank the family fourth because you need their support and understanding. Bottom line, you better thank someone because giving it up to yourself only makes you look like a self-centered egomaniac.

My money is on God. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean… your money should be on God. I mean you shouldn’t wager with God. No, you shouldn’t wager at all is what I meant. Hmmm, slippery slope here…I mean…

Oh forget it.

Have fun with your family and friends this Sunday in whatever way you choose to participate in the Super Bowl. If you are making prop bets, then I wish you good luck. I also wish you good luck in explaining to your kids that they won’t be getting birthday presents this year because Fergie didn’t dress up like a cheerleader.

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