By Johnny Bossyman, Our Head of News and Bias (and personally defended by Derek Bateman - so there!)



In a proud moment for us, Salmond made it clear to our most incisive and astute BBC front, David Bumblebee, that UKIP had won a seat in Scotlandshire, despite having no organisation (other than the BBC), no publicity (other than the BBC) and no platform (other than the BBC). As he crestfallenly accepted, UKIP in Scotlandshire was entirely beamed into the county by the BBC. "Beam me up, Scotty" was the truest (perhaps the only true) thing he has ever said.

We are confident that every woman who voted UKIP will remain loyal to their principles and refuse any maternity benefits. UKIP believes that women should stand on their own two feet - because that position is less likely to lead to maternity benefits being required. However, accepting their position in a UKIP world does mean that women will have to accept taking whatever position they are instructed to take.

Disappointingly, the Natz remain the most popular party in Scotlandshire - even after having been in power for seven years, during which they have done their worst to my country (though they seem to have been OK for the Scotlandshire region). Their vote share dropped by less than 0.2%, while their fellow travellers in the Greens rose by 0.8%.

For some unexplained reason, being the "party in government" doesn't seem to reduce their vote. This is a huge disadvantage for the Natz, because they can't trot out that excuse for being humiliated as the Lib-Dums can (and do - endlessly).

For the "Labour Party" (they use their proper name in Euro elections unlike every other election in this region, instead of adding the "Scottish" prefix) these elections saw a huge surge from second place to second place. However, this second place was better than their last second place because they made a 5% gain from the Lib-Dums.

Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment, but an aide said, "Johann is delighted to be second - that's nearly first. Isn't it? Like the UK Treasury, we get a bit confused by numbers."

Tory hopeful, Murdar Fraser, stoutly defended his tweet last night that there had been a "2% swing from SNP to Conservative". Challenged by a reporter (not one of ours) who understood these compicated things that the actual swing was less than a tenth of that, Fraser responded that he was using Treasury methods. "If the UK Treasury can claim that an independent Scotlandshire will need 750% more Government Departments than the UK does, then who am I to differ with their abacus. Obviously I got it wrong. I should have said that the swing from SNP to Tory was 1000%".

Green leader, Pat Reelale Harvie said, "I'm disappointed that we didn't win a seat, but the Green Party is thoroughly pro-EU. This vote shows that Scotland is highly European. It shows that Scotland too has its share of right-wing bigots who hate foreigners ..." He was unable to add to the comment, as he vomited into the capacious pockets of a nearby UKIPper.

We did try to speak to the new UKIP MEP for Scotlandshire, David Co**burn. Apparently, he had left his London home to make an appearance in Scotlandshire, but got a little confused and ended up in Dover. A spokeskipper explained, "David knew that there was nothing but desert north of the M25, so assumed that Scotlandshire was somewhere in the South. Be reasonable, it's a mistake any of us could have made.

"However, when David manages to get on a ferry to cross to Scotlandshire, he will 'stand up to Salmond and his nasty little dictatorship'."

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