ANAHEIM, CA — Disney’s annual D23 convention doesn’t kick off until tomorrow, but that doesn’t stop us from predicting the news. Read on for the TOP TEN “confirmed” Star Wars announcements coming from Kathleen Kennedy at D23! FAKE CLICK BAIT AHEAD!!

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10: Lucasfilm to hire-and-fire Josh Trank again for never showing up to work.

9: Rian Johnson still working on his Star Wars trilogy even though it’s been cancelled since October.

8: JJ Abrams announces full reboot of Henry Abrams modeled after one of Spielberg’s sons.

7: Lord and Miller show up and to a “Yes And” skit which derails the entire presentation.

6: Kevin Smith cries after emerging victorious in crying contest with YouTuber Eric Butts.

5: Titular Mandalorian revealed to be trans man of color.

4: John Williams previews GWAR collaboration during elaborate stage show.

3:Disney announces they’ve acquired the rights to Spider-Man from Sony in exchange for Star Wars.

2: Kathleen Kennedy outed as AI algorithm programmed by the Russians.

1: George Lucas unveils experimental snuff film starring Bob Iger.

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—William “Willybobo” Bobo