I am in love with my husband and I believe he is in love with me. However, we are very bad at flirting and it is affecting our sex life and my self-confidence.

At the start of our relationship, we flirted, but I found it hard. Now that we have been together longer, it is getting even harder, as a touch, a kiss or a compliment seem to go unseen or have lost their effect. Quite often, I go to kiss him and get a peck before he diverts back to what he was doing. I have been open with my husband that I would like to have more sex. He says simply that he would, too, but the effort to flirt doesn’t seem to follow.

It is starting to affect my self-esteem, as I long to feel wanted; I would love to be grabbed and kissed, and for it to lead on from there, but that never happens. I feel as though he doesn’t fancy me, despite the fact we physically look much the same as when we got together. How do I get him interested again – and how on earth do I flirt?

Think about your life together now and how it may have changed from when you first met. Marriage involves a partnership in many ways besides sex, but too often all those other things make it hard for couples to be lovers – and, most importantly, to see each other as lovers. Who we are in the context of our partner is very important.

If we become, first and foremost, “the breadwinner”, “the house-keeper” or “the business partner”, it can be very difficult to switch roles and summon erotic feelings. In particular, being seen as mainly “the children’s mother” can cause unconscious major obstacles to sexual desire. It is vital to find time during your week to be together simply as lovers. This often means turning off all devices and going out somewhere that feels romantic to you both. Returning to situations or settings that remind each of you of your courtship can be particularly useful.

During this special time together, ban any talk of business, children, in-laws ... just focus on each other. Make space and time for lovemaking without any chance of interruption. And remember that stress and anxiety can kill passion, so also build into your week relaxing elements such as exercise, meditation or yoga. You both know how to flirt. You just need time and space to flick that switch back on.

•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

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