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The Road Rage: Dallas tattoo, Tim Pool calls in to bury the hatchet, I try to stop everyone from going to Greenland, “Dead or Alive”, computer jiggle physics, and the War on Sexiness, Madcucks calls in to read from The Worst Interview in the Universe, Antoids brings in the “Airing of the Grievances”–possibly the most embarrassing audio ever recorded, Allan from Not For Human Consumption plays the Asterios throw up audio, The Dick Show Census, Hamilton, and all the money your apps are hiding from you that could be yours today; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

What would a Road Rage be without a live Dick Show tattooing? No Road Rage that I want to be a part of, my friends–except for the ones we already did, which were amazing. This week’s episode starts with a special request from a Dickhead; can someone please draw an amalgamation of Dick and Sean as Beavis and Butthead, so that two terrific, coming-of-age comedy serials shall be immortalized together in ink and flesh on stage at Road Rage: Dallas, June 30th. Wow! Tickets on sale now. So let’s see those drawings. One will go on to have a life entirely of its own, but first…

You’re going to Greenland, I’m going to Greenland, we’re all going to Greenland; because the alternative is too stressful for how boring it is, or maybe it’s the other way around. We’ll have plenty of time to figure out which when we get to Greenland! I’ve never understood not understanding man’s collective compulsion to go to Greenland. It seems like it’s the only objective in life that doesn’t need an ad campaign to keep it going and growing year after year while every other squad goal is in decline. No one’s putting on a slideshow from their trip and trying to convince their friends to put Going to Greenland on their Bucket List, they just do it anyway, and nothing will stop them. Meanwhile, it takes a banking oligarchy to trick a kid into going to college, all of the social sciences to waste women’s 20s on a career, and an entire NFL to keep us rich in war.

If animals could do it, it would be easy to understand. It would fuck up a lot of Disney movies, but it would be easy to understand. Otherwise, they’re stuck in an equilibrium of starvation and slaughter, everything within them and their world accelerating to multiply and consume until they’re past that imaginary fulcrum point where the ecosystem doesn’t like totally stress them out every day, and did they remember to get laid? I sure hope so because that’s the entire point.

If I know anything about 4D Chess, I’d say we’re stuck on the same planet with these sorry creatures. And as humanity is syphoned from our world at an exponential rate, the equilibrium point changes, the imaginary fulcrum moves, and the ecosystem can no longer support all of us. We charge collectively toward the instability of control, toward the optimization of the soul, toward total comfort no matter the cost, and toward nuclear annihilation, because there’s a part in all of us that wants it all to end, just not by our hand. We charge toward the razor’s edge and act surprised when so many people caught up in the herd charge straight off into the abyss–the undertow of nihilistic enthusiasm pulling the exhausted out to sea. It’s fun to act surprised though. It’s human, and our ecosystem provides less of that every year. Plus, we only have to do it for a couple days. Any more than that, and it would be too boring for how stressful it is.

And here is the “Airing of the Grievances” audio unearthed by /u/Antoids. In this cut audio from “The Biggest Problem in the Universe” episode 73, Maddox throws an embarrassing tantrum when I try to help him with his sore throat, and then takes himself to the verge of tears while airing his list of grievances, including my failure to thank him for his snacks. This is easily the most embarrassing audio I’ve ever heard.



Next comes “The Worst Interview in the Universe”, a sycophantic interview from a Maddox fan-girl posted to some no-name trash pop-culture website. It’s entirely forgettable except for the fact that it’s one of the funniest, least self-aware interviews you’ll ever read, penned by an unhinged has-been in the throes of the death of his career, without any mention of the lawsuit or the people destroyed by it, and with the promise of things to come that no one is asking for.

Maddox: Thought Leader and Genius and King

Lastly, here are the results of The Dick Show Census, brought to you by lago-m-orph. Hundreds of you answered, one of you compiled that data in aggregate. How much money do Dickheads make, where did you hear about the show, do you pee through your fly or incorrectly, who voted for Trump and who didn’t want peace in Korea, how many people hate Asterios–the answer may surprise you! All that and more in this incredible dataset!



Real Statistical Analysis From Real Men – Income by Pendacan.

“Lien on Me” by aciou fet. lakembra



“A Misused Lawsuit” by A Stuttering Ghost.

a misused lawsuit by A Stuttering Ghost

“Your Obedient Cuckold” by Ginger Cat Productions.



The Doom closing re-mix, NOW WITH MUSIC VIDEO!





And here is the accompanying fan art. I’m thinking of putting it on a t-shirt.



More Dick Pics

A thumbnail you can crank out your zine with by Cliff Campbell.



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