Directions

First thing, make the fucking dumplings. Chop up the chives into little pieces. Add the flour to a medium bowl and whisk in the garlic powder, baking powder, and salt. Drizzle in the olive oil and mix it all up. Add ½ cup of the milk and stir it all together. If your dough still looks really dry, add a couple tablespoons of the rest of the milk until you can form kind of shaggy ball of dough. If you add too much milk the dough will be sticky and hard to handle so slow your ass down. Knead in ¼ cup of the chopped chives, make sure they are all mixed in and the dough looks like it has its shit together. Save the rest of the chives for later.

On a well floured surface, roll out the dough about an ⅛ of an inch thick. Think super thin crust pizza. Cut the dumplings into pieces about 1 inch wide and 1 ½ inches long. You will have some fucked up sized ones because that’s how shit is but don’t stress. They'll be fine. You should get around 60-70 dumplings but if you end up with more or less no worries, you just wanna make sure they're bite size. Stack them up on a floured plate and stick them in the fridge uncovered while you make the rest of the soup.

Chop up the onions, carrots, celery, and broccoli into bite-sized pieces. Remove the hard rib from the kale and slice that fucker into 1-inch ribbons. Dice up that garlic. In a large soup pot, heat up the 2 teaspoons of oil over a medium heat. Add the onions and a pinch of salt and sauté until the onions start to brown in some places, about 5-7 minutes. Add the carrots and celery and cook for another 3 minutes. Add the broccoli and garlic and cook for another 3 minutes or until the carrots are getting soft but the broccoli still has some bite. Turn off the heat and dump all that shit into a medium bowl and set it aside. Make sure to scrape out all the veggies out because you are reusing that pot ‘cause fuck making extra dishes.

Mix the oregano, garlic powder, black pepper, salt, and cayenne pepper together in a small cup.

Warm that soup pot back up over a medium heat, add the ¼ cup oil, and whisk in the flour. It should look somewhere between glue and runny paste. Yum. Keep stirring that shit around until it smells kinda nutty and looks a little toasted, about 2 minutes. Toss in the spices and keep stirring for another 30 seconds. Whisk in the white wine. The flour will ball up with the wine and make it look like frosting or some shit like that. Slowly whisk in 2 cups of the broth. Mix that shit up until it is all incorporated and it starts to look all thick like movie theater nacho cheese. Slowly whisk in the next 4 cups of broth and make sure it is all incorporated without any chunks of flour. Whisk in the rest of the broth and let the deliciousness simmer, whisking every minute or so, for about 15 minutes. The broth should sort of thicken up and start to look and taste kind of velvety. You know what the fuck I am talking about. Try it. Fucking awesomeness without 2 sticks of butter.

With the pot still simmering, add the dumplings. Add a couple at time so they don’t get all stuck together in a clusterfuck of dough and dying dreams. Once they are all in, gently stir them around once so that everybody is well covered by the broth. Let them simmer together for 3 minutes so that the pot gets a chance to warm back up. Add the chickpeas and sautéed veggies and let them all simmer together for about 10 more minutes or until the dumplings don’t taste raw. Once your dumplings are on point, add the peas and kale. Cook for another 2 minutes so that the peas warm up and the kale wilts. Yeah, that’s right, I just dump the peas in frozen because what.the.fuck.ever. Turn off the heat and throw in ¼ cup of those chives from earlier. Taste that shit and see if you want more herbs, spices, or salt to get it where you love it. Serve immediately and top the bowls with some of whatever chives you have left.

* Spinach or collards will work here too.

** Whateverthefuck you like to drink will work. No wine, because of reasons? Just add more broth.

*** About 2 15 ounce cans if you aren’t cooking your own.

**** Whole-wheat flour is a little too dense for these fuckers but give it a go if that’s what you got and you are feeling brave.

***** Green onions will work here but chives are way sexier.