CNN - Lizzo's body positivity is usually celebrated, but not by Jillian Michaels. The celebrity trainer best known for her work on "The Biggest Loser," appeared on BuzzFeed News' "AM to DM" on Wednesday when talk turned to the plus-size singer. Michaels asked "Why are we celebrating (Lizzo's) body?" "Why does it matter? Why aren't we celebrating her music?," Michaels said. "'Cause it isn't gonna be awesome if she gets diabetes." "Excuse me Jillian, Diabetes is primarily hereditary," one person tweeted. "Weight notwithstanding. Go talk about someone else. XO."

You know Jillian Michaels policy regarding fatties....



.....NO FATTIES

(Word to Clone High. One of the most brilliant shows ever. An actual crime against America that it was canceled. If you dont know it, go dig it up and watch it.)

I don’t know if you heard, Jillian Michaels, but round these parts, we are Team Lizzo. Ayo Lizzo! I see you, you fat bitch! If you think that we’re gonna fat shame the Queen you got another thing coming. Now, will I admit that the line “It isn’t going to be awesome when she gets diabetes” is fucking hilarious and very true? Yes. Yes I will admit that. But that’s where the Jillian Michaels support starts and stops. From here on out, this blog is pro Lizzo. Because I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch.

Heres the problem with Jillian Michaels logic: she forgot the golden rule. She forgot a huge piece of the puzzle with Lizzo - she’s rich. When you’re rich, you’re allowed to be fat. That’s a fact, Jack. If you’re a Fat and you’re just a regular, poor person jabroni, you’re gonna get fat shamed. And you should be. Being fat is shameful, lets be honest. It’s unhealthy. It’s dangerous. And you’re gonna get diabetes and die. So if you’re just a regular ass person and you’re lugging your fat ass around on a commute to a regular job and you’re running out of breath on the steps to the train...or you’re shipping your fat belly out on dates to try to trick someone into falling in love with you and you keep going home alone...or you’re squeezing your wide load into your tiny shower in your tiny apartment that you can barely afford...then no, it is not awesome that you are fat. You should lose weight. That’s not cool. It’s in your best interest to lose weight, or stop being poor. One or the other. And anybody celebrating you for being a fatso and a Poor is just enabling bad behavior.

But that’s just for the regular Fats. There are 2 qualifiers that mitigate your fatness. That exonerate you from being fat, if you will:

1) being rich and famous

2) being really funny

If you’ve got those 2 things, you are allowed to be fat. And they often go hand in hand. Chris Farley. Jonah Hill. Melissa McCarthy. Dan Katz during certain months of the year. The list goes on. These people are all rich, fat, and funny. In Lizzo’s case she’s not “funny” per say but she’s got a hell of a personality, she’s extremely self aware, and puts on a fucking spectacular show. I think a decent chunk, or should I say chonk, of her allure is being a biggum.

Like don’t get me wrong, Lizzo’s songs bang regardless. Truth Hurts it’s an anthem for chicks, no matter what. The DNA test line, why are men great till they gotta be great, basically every single line of Truth Hurts is like a war cry for chicks. Good As Hell too. Hair toss, check my nails, yada yada. She would be a huge hit regardless. But it’s an irrefutable fact that part of her allure and part of her success is being a confident big beautiful woman. A BBW for all the porn people out there. When you see this big bitch playing the flute it’s a fucking riot. It’s like watching a big bear ride a tiny bicycle. It’s just a hysterical sight to behold. When she goes to the Lakers game and it’s a full fucking moon for the entire Staples Center walking in there with her butt cheeks out, that’s a power move.

That’s what Jillian Michaels isn’t realizing. Owning your fatness is a power move. That’s why Lizzo is an absolute superstar, and not just any old successful singer. She makes the charts with her music but she makes the headlines with her body. That’s the key to her superstardom. It takes an enormous amount of confidence to own your fatness, but once you do that, you become a goddam hero and you hold all the cards. You kinda become invincible. You take away all the haters ammo. The ONLY thing you can say about Lizzo is “you’re fat.” And guess what? She doesn’t give a shit. And the main thing is she TRULY doesn’t give a shit. Like plenty of Fats say they love their body or they’re happy and that’s a lie. But in Lizzo’s case it’s 100% true, because she knows a big part of her success is that she’s the fat girl who owns it. She's stunningly unique. She's gonna be in movies. TV. Next level shit. I mean, yea I bet she cries at night sometimes when some insecurity creeps in. She quit twitter the other day because of trolls, its only human to let some of the hate seep in and prey on your insecurities. No doubt she’ll eventually get surgery and become skinny. But right now, in this moment, she’s rich and famous and living out her dream life of luxury BECAUSE she’s fat. If she could go back and do it all over again, I bet she wouldn’t change a thing. Actually she’d probably go back and get even FATTER. Eat more, exercise less, get even more popular.

Bottom line is, being fat is probs the worst thing that can happen to a person, up until a breaking point. If you’re a regular person, and a regular level of fat, your life stinks. But if you’re a special person - funny or talented or stand out in some way - and you’re extra fat, then it actually works in your favor. The chart inverts and then it becomes the best thing that can happen to you. So fuck off Jillian Michaels. This isn’t just some chick who can’t find her pussy. She’s an international super star who is so rich she can pay people to find it for her. Matter of fact, she’s so beloved she has fans who will find it for her, free of cost.

Who knows how this story ends. Maybe she gets skinny like I said. I bet she'll still be successful, but it wont be the same. Like Jonah Hill. Or maybe she does get diabetes, God forbid. But even if Lizzo could look into a crystal ball and Wilford Brimely pops up and says that she's gonna get Diabeetus

I guarantee she wouldn't change a thing. Basically Lizzo and her fatness are like football players and their brains. You know the risks, you understand the situation. Live fat, die young, leave a big but good looking corpse. Football players trade some years off their life and the quality of their health for millions of dollars and fame in their prime. Lizzo's doing the same thing. I dont expect some hippie dippie granola nut personal trainer to understand that.

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