also a poem about surviving dysphoria and stuff c:

I went to go get dressed today.





I open my drawer and see

seven socks, no two the same

and I wonder how they got there.

I open my closet and see

twelve shirts, matched better than my socks

all bought out of need, not style.





clothes are weird, barely real to me.

just material to cover something

that I, like others, do not want to see.

if I were the sum of my clothes,

I would be a man,

whose whole identity is working in an office.





but I’m not.





how am I supposed to express myself

when the way the world has taught me to

is with things that don’t pertain to me?

how am I supposed to figure out

who the fuck I am

when all I’ve been told is, I’m someone else?





how am I supposed to be me?

and if not me, then who?

who are you expecting me to be?

I’m a liar, a fraud, a fake,

playing the part of a fake girl, or fake boy,

depending on whose take.





I thought about my name today.





even though it doesn’t suit me,

I’m throwing away a piece of myself,

a story and a history all the same.

how hard is it to choose a name?

did my parents have this hard of a time

deciding who I should be?





I’m left with a burden

to find who I am in one word

and I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong choice.

and no matter the name I pick

it’ll never mean as much to some

as the one I’ve so willfully tossed aside.





I thought about myself today.





I thought about how much I hate.

the things I wish I could wish away

and the things I wish I could create.

I looked in the mirror and saw…

something. but,

just on the precipice, something else.





I’m still introducing myself

with an outdated lie of a name.

and yet, one many would call the right one.

I’m still talking in a deep voice

and hoping nobody notices

the changing parts of my body.





I remembered to take my meds today.





it’s getting easier these days

as I work through the fears I have

and let the changes grow more exciting.

I get to look at who I was

so short a time ago,

and look to see where things are going now.





“things are going to be good.”

something I have to tell myself often,

because it’s something I never believed.

these fears held me down,

and the safest route of inaction being the easiest

all but kept me tied down forever.





but,

I figured out the truth today.





I found that who I am is all I have,

and that what I’m becoming isn’t more true,

it’s the only truth.

I figured out the only thing that scared me

was what other people would think,

and what I wanted wasn’t even part of my equation,





and that’s when I realized that that is how

I ended up with seven socks, no two the same

and complications with finding my name,

because I wasn’t my priority.

I was an afterthought,

after the world around me.





I ordered a lot of new clothes today.





I’m slowly learning to love myself,

to stand up, and to finally

push all of the negativity out of the way.

I really was my own worst enemy,

and finding what I was, who I am,

helped me win the fight for Me.





I’ve spent twenty-one years on this planet

and everybody’s doing what’s right for them,

and it’s finally time I do the same.

so, with that being said, fuck everything else,

Hi, I’m Isabella,

what’s your name?





~***~





(Sorry, your first request wasn’t good for this format. I hope you enjoyed this response though!)