Did he kneel? How can we know whether Jeremy Corbyn is fit to make decisions about interest rates and dealing with Isis unless we know whether he knelt in front of Her Majesty?

It looks as if he didn’t – but even if he did, I bet he did it in an ungainly fashion, creaking down like someone looking under the settee to find the remote control while groaning ‘ooh me back’, because he’s a traitor.

If he was a real Englishman he’d have glided to the ground and begged the Queen’s forgiveness for not being able to get any lower, then sawed through the floorboards so he could crawl under the joists and live behind a cobweb for a month to demonstrate how unworthy he was to be on the same level as the monarch.

Any potential Prime Minister must, after all, be capable of meeting the challenges of the modern world: following etiquette such as lightly brushing the hairs of his forearm across the left knee of the Queen while kissing her right buttock with his lower lip, then dragging a thistle across her neck and whistling into a cheese grater with his toenail clippings wrapped in an order of the garter dipped in stag droppings and signed by Princess Anne. It proves he takes Britain seriously.

The kneeling catastrophe follows an earlier disgrace this week, when The Sun reported Corbyn’s bow at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Day was not at the correct angle, bending about 20 degrees rather than the approved “45 degrees from the waist.” He might as well have dropped his trousers, wiped his arse on the Union Jack, dug up the corpse of Churchill and smeared the skidmarks over his skeleton.

Ex-defence minister Gerald Howarth said of the bow: “The Leader of the Opposition needs to understand you cannot compromise on respect for our fallen. He has got to try harder and grow up.” The grown-up way to behave is, after all, to make statements to the press that you’re deeply offended by the angle at which someone has leaned forward. Only when you’re mature enough to do that are you truly a man.

The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn Show all 11 1 /11 The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn He called Hezbollah and Hamas ‘friends’ True. In a speech made to the Stop the War Coalition in 2009, Mr Corbyn called representatives from both groups “friends” after inviting them to Parliament. He later told Channel 4 he wanted both groups, who have factions designated as international terror organisations, to be “part of the debate” for the Middle East peace process. “I use (the word ‘friends’) in a collective way, saying our friends are prepared to talk,” he added. “Does it mean I agree with Hamas and what it does? No. Does it mean I agree with Hezbollah and what they do? No.” Reuters The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn ‘Jeremy Corbyn thinks the death of Osama bin Laden was a tragedy’ Partly false. David Cameron used this as a line of attack at the Conservative Party conference but appears to have left out all context from Mr Corbyn’s original remarks. In an 2011 interview on Iranian television, the then-backbencher said the fact the al-Qaeda leader was not put on trial was the tragedy, continuing: “The World Trade Center was a tragedy, the attack on Afghanistan was a tragedy, the war in Iraq was a tragedy.” The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn He is ‘haunted’ by the legacy of his ‘evil’ great-great-grandfather False. A Daily Express exposé revealed that the Labour leader’s ancestor, James Sargent, was the “despotic” master of a Victorian workhouse. Addressing the report at the Labour conference, Mr Corbyn said he had never heard of him before, adding: “I want to take this opportunity to apologise for not doing the decent thing and going back in time and having a chat with him about his appalling behaviour.” The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn Jeremy Corbyn raised a motion about ‘pigeon bombs’ in Parliament This one is true. On 21 May 2004, Mr Corbyn raised an early day motion entitled “pigeon bombs”, proposing that the House register being “appalled but barely surprised” that MI5 reportedly proposed to load pigeons with explosives as a weapon. The motion continued: “The House… believes that humans represent the most obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal species ever to inhabit the planet and looks forward to the day when the inevitable asteroid slams into the earth and wipes them out thus giving nature the opportunity to start again.” It was not carried. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn He rides a Communist bicycle False. A report in The Times referred to Mr Corbyn, known for his cycling, riding a “Chairman Mao-style bicycle” earlier this year. “Less thorough journalists might have referred to it as just a bicycle, but no, so we have to conclude that whenever we see somebody on a bicycle from now on, there goes another supporter of Chairman Mao,” he later joked. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn 'Jeremy Corbyn will appoint a special minister for Jews' False so far. The Sun report in December was allegedly based on a “rumour” passed to the paper by a Daily Express columnist who has written pieces critical of the Labour leader in the past. The minister did not materialise in his shadow cabinet. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn ‘Jeremy Corbyn wishes Britain would abolish its Army’ False. Another gem from The Sun took comments made at a Hiroshima remembrance parade in August 2012 where Mr Corbyn supported Costa Rica’s move to abolish it armed forces. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every politician around the world…abolished the army and took pride in the fact that they don’t have an army,” he added. The caveat that “every politician” must take the step suggests Mr Corbyn does not support UK disarmament just yet. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn Jeremy Corbyn stole sandwiches meant for veterans False. The Guido Fawkes blog claimed that the Labour leader took sandwiches meant for veterans at at Battle of Britain memorial service in September but a photo later emerged showing him being handed one by Costa volunteers, who later confirmed they were given to all guests. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn He missed the induction into the Queen’s privy council True. After much speculation about Mr Corbyn’s republican views and willingness to bow to the monarch, his office confirmed that he did not attend the official induction to the privy council because of a prior engagement, but did not rule out joining the body. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn Jeremy Corbyn refuses to sing the national anthem. Partly true. The Labour leader was filmed standing in silence as God Save the Queen was sung at a Battle of Britain remembrance service but will reportedly sing it in future. Mr Corbyn was elusive on the issue in an interview, saying he would show memorials “respect in the proper way”, but sources said he would sing the anthem at future occasions. The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn He is a member of the All-Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese True. The group lists its purpose as the following: “To increase awareness of issues surrounding the dairy industry and focus on economic issues affecting the dairy industry and producers.”

You can understand why The Sun in particular is sensitive on this issue, because the Murdoch press has gone to vast lengths to show respect for our fallen soldiers, even going to the trouble of hacking into their phones. Their families must appreciate that gesture – it’s truly a mark of respect, placing their loved ones on an equal footing with celebrities such as Hugh Grant and Sienna Miller.

It’s a wonder someone as adamant about honouring the fallen as Gerald Howarth didn’t commend The Sun for this behaviour while he was talking to them. Howarth – like The Sun, and many of those attacking Corbyn for his bowing technique – was an enthusiastic supporter of the Iraq war. Jeremy Corbyn opposed the war, and now we know why. He wants to stop disastrous wars because he can’t be bothered to bow properly when asked to respect the people who are killed in them. It’s just ‘me, me, me’ with some people, isn’t it?

To ensure the bowing scandal never happens again, a cricket umpire will from now on be ordered to stand at the Cenotaph for the Remembrance parade. Because they’re used to judging whether a bowler has bent their arm beyond an agreed angle as they bowl each ball, so the umpire will decide whether a bow has reached the requisite point. If not, they must shout “no bow”, and it has to be done again.

Yet, even then, the treacherous behaviour is likely to go on. Next will be outrage: “Corbyn is set to offend the Queen by refusing to stroke the royal centipede on her birthday, a tradition that dates back to the Divine Right of Majestic Bugs established by Henry II following his victory at the Battle of Grimsby, after the monarch was inspired by a dream in which a giant centipede trod over the rebellious troops of Norman the Bipolar.”

The continuous speculation over whether he plans to sing, bow, kneel or wear a poppy at the next state event, must be confusing for a man who’s spent his life quietly pursuing causes with little media interest. He wants to campaign over issues such as the cuts in tax credits, but instead every interview begins with him being asked “Mr Corbyn, when you attend the Lord Mayor’s Banquet, will you or will you not abide by tradition and dress up as a goose? Will you compromise and just wear the beak? Will you refuse to squawk? Isn’t it a snub to the Lord Mayor if you don’t stick on any feathers?”

It’s vital these questions are answered, because these are the issues that affect most people.

Next year, for example, when tax credits are cut and more families are forced to use foodbanks, children will ask: “Why are you crying, mummy?” And they’ll get the answer: “I’m sorry, but Her Majesty’s Leader of the Opposition only bends at 20 degrees instead of bowing to an acceptable geometrical standard, darling. Try not to worry, we’ll muddle through.”