For too long we, consumers, have been tricked by the ironically named Red "Delicious" Apples. Once true to its name, science and liberals (I'm certain they're to blame) ruined the apple's taste by trying to enhance its color and shelf life. A couple of modifications later and we have been left with this tasteless, red ball of flesh.

My demands are simple. Either we eliminate Red "Delicious" Apples from the market by forcing farmers to grow more satisfying varieties, such as Fuji or Gala. Alternatively, we rename the apple Red Disgusting, a more fitting title, and allow the market run its course on the breed. No more apple bail outs, Bill Clinton!