I woke up this morning in pain. I was tired and my body hurt after a night of many sleeping stops and starts from Jack and waking up to help Kim in the middle of the night. My emotions were frayed at the edges as I struggled to put on a good face for my family but had a hard time finding my smile. Spiritually I felt adrift.

Kim and I have a mantra for days like this. We came up with it within hours of her diagnosis: “The future is filled with fear, and the past with regret but this is a beautiful moment.” But what if it doesn’t feel like a beautiful moment? That can happen if I just let the moment “happen” to me. Some of them will be amazing and full of wonder and others will be brutal and painful – so how does staying “in the moment” actually help me? It turns out there is no such thing as the moment. You and I can share an experience and our memories and feelings of that time together can be completely different. Moreover, we can choose a perspective or lens to witness our lives through that is a product of our fear, anger, impatience, compassion, appreciation or love. We get to choose.

Imagine yourself in line at the grocery store. You tried to squeeze in grabbing a few items that you need for dinner that night before you pick up your dry cleaning and you know you are cutting it close before the dry cleaners closes for the night. You arrived in line just after a woman with a full cart and even though you only have a few items she did not offer for you to go ahead of her – in fact she completely ignored you. She doesn’t have her coupons ready, there is a question about one of her items and the red light above the cash register goes off signaling the manager to come over and she takes forever to write her check. What will you choose as your lens for that moment? I know for me I tend to become very focused on how things are not going my way, and I might even have some very unkind thoughts about that woman for not being more thoughtful or attentive. As a mean non sequitur I might even judge her for the junk food in her cart.

I could, of course, tell myself a different story. She could be distracted because her 3 year old kept her up half the night, she might have just gotten some life changing news that has rocked her and she is bravely moving forward – doing the shopping her family depends on and refusing to give in to the fear of what will come next for her. She may be the loveliest person anyone would hope to meet but today she is not at her best, today more than ever she needs the world to cut her a break. Even better, I would not need to imagine her life has fallen apart to be kind – I could just decide to embrace that extra moment of peace in my life and let it be, without judgment, without suffering.

Moments are textured and multidimensional. Living in the moment is an active, not a passive practice. If I am going to live in the moment then why not live in the best moment I can conjure? I need to manifest the moment, and as I spun these ideas around in my head this morning I was reminded of a meditation that Kim taught me years ago. The Metta Bhavana is intended to practice loving kindness and I am drawn to it because it helps me set an intention for my lens. If you’re not familiar with the Metta Bhavana I found this description by Jack Kornfield to be a nice primer. Essentially it is a meditation of practicing loving kindness towards yourself, a close friend, an acquaintance, someone who makes your life difficult, all four of them equally, and eventually the universe. I finished that meditation this morning and was immediately overcome with a renewed sense of purpose and energy. I reemerged from the back room with these three thoughts as my sacred intention for the day:

Today, I will go to the gym and play as hard as I can, not only for myself, but for those who cannot run, jump and lift – to honor that blessing in my life. Today, I will work hard and make a difference in my job, not only for me and my colleagues, but for those who have not found their calling – to honor that blessing in my life. Today, I will love my family with all my heart, not only for me and my home, but for those that are alone or find themselves estranged from the ones they love – to honor that blessing in my life.

It is not enough for me to let the moments of my life happen to me and then scramble to give them a loving or compassionate meaning. A sacred intention for my day sets my lens for all that happens next. For me, particularly when I wake up in pain, it has made all the difference. There are many things about my life I wish were different and they cause me pain and anger and they make me sad to the depths of my soul – but I am also incredible blessed and in this moment I choose to buoy my spirit and serve others by honoring those blessings. It is one very practical way I banish fear for Kim, and for myself.

~ John