Brian Moylan reigns supreme as the recap king, known for his laugh-out-loud Vulture.com breakdowns of shows like Bravo’s The Real Housewives and Southern Charm. He writes other types of articles for the website and “recaps” are actually only a small portion of his job. However, with memorable anecdotes that fill other writers with immense jealousy as they grasp for spectacular similes of their own, Moylan has been sought out for interviews and to opine on popular podcasts (he is a frequent guest on Bitch Sesh) due to this talent. He once dubbed himself “Founder of The Real Housewives Institute” and seeing how brilliant his insights into these zany ladies’ televised lives are, we readers feel less ashamed of our own inexplicable, voyeuristic obsession with them. We can claim to be conducting similar sociological research, analyzing the behaviors and histrionics of reality stars, and attributing methods to the madness we observe.

Bethenny Frankel’s cultural tourism to the Bronx is exactly like her presence on this entire season of the show: unnecessary, mean-spirited, and about as tone deaf as William Hung trying to sing the National Anthem with a case of tinnitus. She goes to the restaurant and says, “We need to get these people out of New York City.” Um, Bethenny, the Bronx is in New York City. She’s trying to play like she’s so cool that she goes to all of the outer boroughs, but meanwhile, she describes only Manhattan as New York City. That seems to be the ill that she’s trying to correct. It’s like her “let them eat cake” moment except she’s letting them eat brick-oven pizza, which, I’m sorry, you can find plenty of that on the isle of Manhattan. Just go to Eataly and leave everyone else alone.

- An excerpt from one of Moylan’s Real Housewives of New York Vulture.com recaps

I have watched many hours of reality television during the course of my life, so much so that when I finally arrive at the pearly gates, I won’t be greeted by St. Peter, but by a “Previously On” montage with all of the greatest slaps, cussings out, and glasses of wine thrown throughout my (hopefully) many years. That said, I can firmly say that this was one of the most boring hours of reality television that I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

Nothing really happens, which is bad enough, but no one is crazy, funny, inappropriate, or otherwise outlandish (save for Daisy, Whitney’s always-batshit consort, but she is barely worth a mention). I mean, Southern Charm already wasn’t giving us a sweaty mint julep’s worth of things to talk about, but here we are, so I guess we’ll have to muddle through. (That was a mint pun, for all of you non-mixologists out there.)

-Moylan on Southern Charm

After years of rolling on the floor to his recaps and admiring the witty “Real Housewives Institute Founder” from afar, I decided it was time to glean some insight from this brilliant mind. Moylan chatted with me for The Huffington Post.

You recap many shows on Bravo and we can always count on your commentary after a show airs. Some of your readers have told me they’re rather impressed with your rather quick turnaround.

I get screeners for the Bravo shows so I watch them and take an hour or so and write. It’s not like I’m watching it while it’s on TV and it goes up. It’s more time than it looks like.

Julie Klausner used to recap Real Housewives shows and then you took over for her. Julie is now on the Hulu show Difficult People. Do you have any plans to take your preoccupation with recapping and with the Housewives into the entertainment world somehow?

I have done some TV writing and I’m trying to get some traction there. I’m currently ghost-writing Erika Jayne’s (from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) book and I’m always open to ideas. Someone just approached me about writing a kids’ book...I’m open to anything that’s out there.

IMDB.com Julie Klausner

How did the Erika Jayne opportunity come about?

She likes my recaps and had her agent get in touch with me. We’ve been working on that for the past few months and the book should be out in the beginning of the year when RHOBH starts. The Housewives stuff that I do pays me the least, but it gets me the most attention because magazine editors read them and then I get more lucrative work through that.

We (Real Housewives fans) are more intelligent and well-placed than people give us credit for. There are people in the highest echelons of society who are reading these recaps and they’re the ones getting me more and more work. I can’t really complain about it!

Bravo TV Erika Jayne

I saw you devoted a whole recap to (what I’ve termed) ‘Unshaven in Sag Harbor: The Andy-Luann Show’. I personally didn’t think there was that much to say about it. The interview seemed to yield only filler answers from Luann about the dissolution of her marriage.

BravoTV.com, Dan's Papers Andy Cohen sits down with Luann de Lesseps for what is hyped up as a juicy interview following Luann’s divorce announcement.

First, you have to think, ‘what do readers hope to get out of this?’ and ‘what did I want to get out of this?’ You want to be entertaining and you want to tell people what you think and put it into context - with the Housewives in general and then specific to Luann.

Putting things into perspective as the (laughs and effects a mock upper-crust accent) ‘Founder of the Real Housewives Institute’, at the end of the day I don’t have the option to not get all the way through it and not have anything to say about it. I’m getting paid and I have to find something and there really is something in each episode that I can’t help commenting on! One of my least favorite things about recaps is that as soon as someone says they have nothing to say, who would want to read the rest of it?!

I read a lot of the fans’ comments under my articles - though I usually say one of my first rules is not to read them. For the Housewives’ recaps. it’s a good way to gauge what the people are looking for, what they don’t like and the things they notice. What they love is people in the background you might not notice or a necklace Luann is wearing. When there’s nothing going on, I can devote 200 words to this silly thing they went to, how stupid a certain restaurant was, or one silly phrase that was really weird.

Will working with Erika Jayne be an impediment to making fun of her in your RHOBH recaps? In general, does meeting these people in any way affect your ability to write about them?

Daily Mail Erika Jayne takes a selfie

I will be recapping RHOBH and I will disclose it and say ‘hey, I work with Erika.’ I was a fan before and I am a fan now, though it’s different because now we know each other really well. I have a different level of insight into her character and what her motivations are. I’m sure I’ll make fun of outfits, how she does certain things and I would do that to her face now. I always liked her a lot so I’m not going to say the things about her that I say about PK (Paul Kelmsley, Dorit’s husband on RHOBH)! I won’t be saying she’s awful and I hate her.

Reality Tea PK and Dorit

Most of the other women I’ve met at parties and I say hi. Kelly Dodd is a fan of mine and I’m not nice to her in my recaps. Carole Radziwill (RHONY), who I really like, reads and retweets them. I try to keep it how it is and tell the truth in my recaps, remaining objective and maintaining my journalistic integrity.

People I love Kelly Dodd, so I apologize for the unflattering shot, but I needed to capture some of that personality that keeps us watching!

Lots of people love certain Housewives who I don’t like - for instance, Teresa Giudice. I don’t get it!

BuzzFeed An oldie, but goodie of Teresa Giudice about to flip a table

Then there are plenty of people who hate Carole who is one of my favorites. So my thing is: I’m not going to pretend to like someone because everyone else likes them. I’m just going to say what I think and when someone I love does something dumb, I’ll say ‘hey I love Sonja, but what she did was dumb!’

You have to maintain objectivity and look at the show. That’s what’s really different about doing reality TV. They’re real people at the end of the day and things are not as produced as people think they are. You can imagine why they did what they did. It’s more fun than recapping a drama. Don Draper did those things because a writer made it so and a director told the actor what to do. There is a pathology to Shannon Beador on Real Housewives of Orange County just as there is to Don Draper, but Shannon is not as logically plotted out as Don Draper is. Why is Shannon so crazy? I’m here to write why Shannon is so crazy.

I had met Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen (who used to be on RHONY) and they had things all figured out from stem to stern about being on reality TV. Alex got sick of it and was like ‘fuck you, I’m moving to Australia to become a psychologist and I’m not talking about the show anymore.’ They knew their place in it all and what they needed to do. Those are the people who can do really well.

SheKnows.com Simon van Kempen and Alex McCord

You like to end off some of your recaps with Jill Zarin (formerly of RHONY) fantasy fiction. Have you heard from Jill directly?

I heard from her. At one point a while back she reached out and was sort of like ‘thank you for keeping me relevant you’re so funny.’ I thought ‘OK , thanks Jill...whatever. Then she went on a podcast and said Vulture was making up lies and she was going to sue. But then when she was on this season, I wrote a whole recap about her and she tweeted at me ‘Brian is so funny. His satire is perfect.’ She acts like she can laugh at her self, but I don’t know if she does. I’m starting a campaign to get Jill Zarin on Celebrity Big Brother, so I would appreciate your support!

Twitter Jill Zarin

You’re hilarious and joke around, but you had a serious recap that was more of a “social justice” piece about an episode of Southern Charm in which Shep’s behavior was less than charming.

There are people who act a certain way and it’s an example of things that are bad in our society. With that episode, I needed to discuss what rape culture looks like. This is reality and this is how those people are really behaving. I felt gross watching that. I wasn’t going to let things slide by, not holding people accountable. However, fans don’t really like when I get too political or go too far into any cause.

The main event of that episode though was that Shep took Chelsea out back and tried to force a move on her. Then it became his word against hers. I went on (the podcast) Bitch Sesh and talked about it at one of their live shows. There was a very strong reaction to it. I’ve seen all these things about how assaults are perpetuated and I know women it happened to. I felt the need to stand up and say something.The things that make me upset are things that also make others upset.

The occasions for these types of posts are few and far between, so I’m not going to be going out of my way to address these things. As they come up, it’s my duty to address them.

BravoTV.com Shep Rose, who exemplified utter douchery this past season of Bravo’s Southern Charm

Your similes and metaphors are amazing in all your recaps. Some of the little jabs at Trump crack me up as well.

If i go to LA, my mind will go to palm trees. So I’ll say something about palm trees in the recap. That’s an example of how these similes come to me. Although I try to steer clear of politics, if I mention anything to do with Trump, those are just the things that come to my mind. When politics comes up on the Housewives, I will talk about it, but I don’t go out of my way to bring it up.

It’s not just conservative readers who are sick of hearing about Trump and politics, but others want Housewives to be their ‘safe space’ where they don’t think about how awful the world is. I actually wanted to go on a whole thing about how Tinsley Mortimer (Real Housewives of New York) didn’t vote. I was thinking we needed to start a Housewives campaign ‘Get Tinsley to Vote!’ Make the blow-back so bad that Tinsley will take a picture of her ‘I voted’ sticker.

Do you have a certain process for writing a recap? Is there something you need to eat and drink first to get yourself in the right mood? Is there something you do in order to get started?

When I started doing recaps, it was at Gawker and it was 10 posts a day. There was not a lot of time to dilly dally. When I got started there, it was the dawn of recapping and I would watch at night like a normal person and not get screeners beforehand. Then, the next morning I would write a recap that would have to be up by noon because everybody would come at lunch to read them. There wasn’t a word limit like I have now.We wanted to do justice and keep fans engaged, but then when one recap was done, I’d have to get the rest done for the rest of the day. It was much more about getting things done then.

After that, I was doing them on Medium just for fun, so I would set a timer and hit publish. I really taught myself how to sit down and write for an hour and it would be whatever came out. I’ve been doing it for so long now that I have a formula in my mind and they’re all very similar structurally. I enjoy writing recaps and my editor kind of lets me do whatever I want. If I was to talk about the episode, this is what it would sound like. Recaps are much more conversational than the journalistic pieces I write.

I take notes as I’m watching the shows. Sometimes I play a game on my phone, eat, come back to it, take some time to think about it...I learned from Gawker that by the time you get to it the next morning, the things you remember are the things that are going to stick out for other people. We need to give readers something more: ‘Are there themes?’ ‘Who is on what side?’ ‘Who’s right, who’s wrong?’ I try to give myself a little time to think about it and when I get stuck on something, I stop, read an article and then come back to it.

My OCD tendencies sometimes trip me up and impede me when I’m writing, also causing me to procrastinate. What type of thing trip YOU up?

Sometimes, I know there needs to be joke here and there and I can’t think of something funny enough. Or if there’s something I don’t think I can make good enough, I get anxious. Then it’s about getting through the anxiety to see how I can do it.

Sometimes it’s me procrastinating because I’m an excellent procrastinator!

At some point, I was writing recaps for Real Housewives of New York at night and I would joke around that I’d masturbate afterwards. People were like ‘Brian writes, then jerks off’ and it was a thing for a while. It happened regularly and I didn’t understand it at first, but it was the act of incentivizing finishing a recap. Now that I do recaps in the afternoons, it’s not jerking off that’s my reward, but eating dessert or giving myself some kind of treat. ‘That’s over, thank God!’

What comes immediately to mind when I say the following Real Housewives’ names?

Vicki Gunvalson

The worst, such a mess

AllThingsRH.com “The OG of the OC,” Vicki Gunvalson

Meghan King Edmonds

Private investigator. I kind of love it - someone needs to make a script Meghan King Edmonds, Justice PI. I enjoy her and I think she’s very pretty too.

Daily Mail Meghan King Edmonds

Carole Radziwill

Chic. The New Yorkers I know love Carole because she’s such a creature of NYC! That’s why other people don’t really get her.

Bravo TV Carole Radziwill

Bethenny Frankel

Shark, man! I have complicated feelings about Bethenny. She used to be the underdog that we loved and rooted for, but she came back rich and successful. Now, she can’t be the underdog and the alpha dog at the same time.

She’s been through a lot of shit personally and that really came out on screen. Finally, at the reunion there was the Bethenny we fell in love with, the straight shooter who is able to laugh at herself.

I think Bethenny is on the path to redemption. For a while she lost how she was coming across on screen. I interviewed her once and afterwards, she reached out and thanked me. She is a Pro. If I have to think of one word, that would be it.

She’s a real professional type of reality TV personality. Now I’m curious to see her real estate show with Fredrik Eklund because I also feel that she is done with the Housewives. I wouldn’t be surprise if she bows out. I also think she’s always hustling and trying to make money. It’s like a fat person who gets skinny and always thinks they’re fat. Even though she has money, it’s like ‘how can I make more?’ Good for you, Bethenny for making that money. I mean, get it if you can!

Bravo TV Bethenny Frankel

You can follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan, on Facebook @https://www.facebook.com/BrianMoylanFanPage and you can read his articles and recaps on Vulture.com.