Donald Trump should be forced to take an IQ test.

Though it’s doubtful he even knows what the acronym stands for, and even more unlikely he could use the word “quotient” in a sentence — “Little Rocket Man is really testing my quotients” — his obsession with IQs matches his fixation with TV ratings, popularity polls, steak ounces, golf rounds, net worth, breast size or book sales.

This is a man who skips floor numbers to create the illusion his towers are taller, a trick that must induce sighs when the view from a resident’s “34th floor” suite is suddenly blocked by an idling U-Haul out front.

The only time he craves a lower number is when it’s the age of a new wife.

Trump is like a tiger that needs to constantly gorge on a bloody carcass of fantasy metrics. He no doubt believes his vision is 20/1000. Ask him if he could beat Usain Bolt in a 100-metre dash and he’d reply, “Of course! I’m way faster!”

So it’s no surprise a sitting president who can’t spell, who can’t add or subtract, who doesn’t know squat about geography or history and who writes like a preschooler deprived of an afternoon nap — “Sometimes you need protest in order to heel, & we will heel” — has turned IQ into both a cudgel to attack his foes and a shield to protect his fragile ego.

After Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly called Trump a “f-----g moron,” Trump responded this week by telling Forbes: “I think it’s fake news, but if he did that, I guess we’ll have to compare IQ tests. And I can tell you who is going to win.”

This followed previous IQ brags, in which Trump claimed he could outscore everyone from Mark Cuban to Barack Obama. His IQ, as he’s repeatedly insisted over the years to Twitter followers, is “one of the highest.” The natural reaction is to laugh so hard your side hurts.

Never mind Rex Tillerson. There is no evidence Trump could beat Honey Boo Boo. He is a genius in the same way Harvey Weinstein is gallant. I’m not sure Trump could even read the IQ test questions before getting distracted and pretending his pencil was a hot chick, at which point he’d stand up from the desk, curse out the examiner and start French kissing the eraser-head.

But while his absurd comment about Tillerson provides comic relief during what is otherwise an ongoing and dark chapter in human civilization — the good people at Mensa offered to administer the brain match and the late-night comedians had a field day with their giddy IQ bits — are we laughing when we should be thanking Trump for raising an important issue?

Athletes must pass physicals. CEOs must ace leadership appraisals. Personality tests are common in middle management. Depending on HR policy and individual behaviour, anyone in any workplace on this continent can be subjected to some kind of testing if warranted.

The exception to this rule: our elected leaders.

Frankly, it would be profoundly useful to have a benchmark IQ score so everyone — Trump’s fans and detractors alike — can find middle ground during this divisive presidency. Right now, only his detractors believe he is an effing moron. But with enough empirical evidence, who knows, maybe his supporters will see the light.

Instead of arguing all the time, we could just cite his publicly available IQ test and then hold one another while quietly sobbing:

Detractor: “Look, I get that you love him and think he’s doing a bang-up job. But he was asked, ‘Which number comes next in the pattern 44, 40, 36, 32?’ And his answer was, ‘My hands are huge!’ ”

Supporter: “Really?”

U.S. President Donald Trump told reporters that he didn't undercut U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. In an earlier interview, Trump challenged Tillerson to "compare IQ tests." (The Associated Press)

Detractor: “Yes. Then he was asked, “Which one of the five — dog, mouse, lion, snake, elephant — is not like the other?’ And he answered, ‘Ice cream.’ ”

Supporter: “Oh my God. I had no idea he was so stupid. I just liked that he was getting tough on immigrants.”

Detractor: “Yeah, but maybe he’s not the guy to drain the swamp or stimulate the economy or sort out the crisis in North Korea.”

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To use one of Trump’s favourite words, it’s “sad” we even need to be talking about IQ tests in 2017. But since this presidency is one never-ending dumpster fire of burning idiocy, it’s a conversation we need.

Donald Trump doesn’t read, think, analyze or reflect. And yet he captured the highest public office in the world with a brain that could fit inside a pea pod. He has access to nuclear codes but probably doesn’t have enough intelligence to operate a microwave oven.

We need some tests to make sure this never happens again.

vmenon@thestar.ca

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