No bueno

We like to discourage pre-ordering video games. Sometimes games are broken. Sometimes games suck. No one needs to fork over money before they know the final verdict.

However, sometimes video games use their pre-order siren song to lure you in with possibilities of a free island. Yes, a free island. That's what Square Enix is offering with Just Cause 3 -- a free goddamn island.

Let's parse through this bit by bit.

Those who pre-order Just Cause 3 (or get a hold of the Day 1 edition), will have access to a code that enters them into a three-month contest. Over the course of those three months, they try to accrue as many "Chaos Points" as they can. Basically, they have to blow up as much stuff as possible -- something that Just Cause 3 encourages at every turn.

At the end of February 2016, a winner is chosen and awarded their own island. That is, provided that they followed all of the rules which include not letting other people play for them and taking safety breaks (15 minutes every hour, kids).

The nitty, gritty details of this island aren't all that desirable. This likely won't be some sort of Caribbean paradise. Straight from the contest's details page "Sponsor does not guarantee the Island to be inhabitable, developed or reachable by any means other than a boat." Well, that sounds fucking terrible.

Additionally, there are costs associated with getting this probably-uninhabitable island. Again, straight from the horse's mouth: "All taxes and fees associated with purchasing and obtaining of Island (including but not limited to attorney's fees, escrow, and closing costs) are the responsibility of the Winner."

The kicker is that the projected value of the island is anywhere up to $50,000. The first Google result for "buy an island" lists an acre-sized parcel of land off the coast of Maine for about $40,000. It's mostly rocks. I don't know what the hell you're supposed to do with that.

So, now you've played Just Cause 3 for three straight months, paid closing costs and attorneys' fees on your $50,000 chunk of earth, but what's next? Are you going to live there? You should maybe make a hut of some sort. There won't be electricity -- something that you likely rely upon considering you won a contest for playing a video game for 12 straight weeks. According to this article, part-time island living requires between 30,000 and 100,000 gallons of water a year. I guarantee that ain't cheap.

You know who has it good in this scenario? Residents of Mexico. If they win, they have to accept the prize as cash. I'd take $50,000 cash. I would not take the goddamn island, though.

Just Cause 3 Win an Island [Just Cause 3 Win an Island]