Dear Prudence:

My sister Julia recently told our family that she and her husband Jake are in a polyamorous triad with their best friend Tony. The three of them have been together for as long as Julia has been with Jake (seven years) and all of their friends know that, essentially, Tony is Julia's other husband. They decided not to tell our more traditional family (with the exception of our brother) until Julia became pregnant, as she is now. She does not know whether the child is Jake's or Tony's, but both men plan to raise the child equally. Our brother claims they're an amazing set and that Julia has never been this happy. My parents, my husband, and I are more realistic and feel queasy about the arrangement. I cannot imagine how their child will feel, growing up with half siblings (Julia plans to have children by both men) and with their mom sleeping with two men. I don't know how they will provide the children of this "marriage" with stability. My husband doesn't want Tony around our children, even though Julia has asked that we now treat him as her husband in addition to Jake. I love Julia but am nauseated by her lifestyle choice. I think eventually it will end disastrously. How can I support this?

A: You don't have to "support" it, you just have to act like a decent person. Jake, Julia, and Tony are a threesome. Your sister is not asking for your advice or approval, she is just asking to be treated politely. You don't have to say any more to your kids other than Uncle Tony is Aunt Julia and Uncle Jake's good friend. Kids are remarkably flexible about these things. I fail to see how having Uncle Tony - presuming he's a good guy - come along on visits will harm your children in any way. If your kids have questions you answer them honestly in an age appropriate way. Which will mostly consist of, "The three of them are really close friends. I agree it's kind of unusual, but they are happy all living together." Julia is pregnant so she's the one who should be dealing with nausea. Eat a couple of crackers, settle your stomach, and welcome this new addition to the family.

Dear Prudence:

I have a friend who randomly showers at my place when she comes over. I don't mean when she stays the night. But like when she's here for a couple of hours for lunch. Apparently she does this at other people's homes sometimes, too. There's nothing wrong with her shower, and she's not someone who's obsessed over cleanliness. She just likes to have a random midday wash every now and then. I know she's not doing anything wrong, and I have no reason to refuse her request other than I think it's weird. What reason should I give her to politely say no?

A: I would say that someone who randomly gets up from a social event and says, "I'm just going to be popping into your shower for a quick freshen up" likely does have some obsessional issues. You can have compassion for her while insisting that when she visits she sticks to chatting over sandwiches. Just say, "Sue, I love catching up with you, but if you feel the need to break off our socializing and go shower, I'd prefer if you just go back to your place and do it there."