1. Alabama.

Did allow Kentucky to score before returning from a 48-7 road trip to Lexington, so it's nothing but nutritive gruel and double breakfast burpees for everyone in Tuscaloosa this week. Saban will not lose sleep over that touchdown, though, because you cannot lose something that does not exist.

Nick Saban, like any football coach trained by Bill Belichick, cannot sleep, because if he does after years of uninterrupted consciousness then he will explode and die.

2. Oregon.

The Ducks were missing Josh Huff and De'Anthony Thomas and Colt Lyerla, playing their toughest opponent of the season thus far, and still won a 45-24 rout of Washington. Oregon finished the game by courteously declining the chance at another score, which is kind of like then the King nobly drops a half-eaten chicken wing for the peasants to show how little he needs the abundance his power has afforded him.

3. Clemson.

Survived a 24-14 challenge from Boston College, who at this point should be considered not only "alive," but "capable of biting the random swimmer dumb enough to not look where they're going."

So no, this was not Clemsoning. This was winning a conference game against an improving team, something never to be undervalued, unless you're playing Kentucky. (No matter who you are, no matter what conference you play in, you should probably beat Kentucky by many, many points. )

4. Ohio State.

Bye week spent on the floor, laughing at Brady Hoke's overtime strategies.

5. Stanford.

Took their first defeat of the year against Utah, a team that proves what I've been saying for years: when you don't throw six freaky interceptions in a single game (as they did against UCLA last week,) you can probably win a football game or two. The Utes beat Stanford, and did it without ever giving up the lead in the second half.

Also, MUSS only had to do this once:

6. Florida State.

Bye week spent draping gold chains lovingly on Jameis Winston.

7. Georgia.

Decimated by injury and robbed of all his offensive targets, Aaron Murray had no choice but to start throwing to Missouri players in a 41-26 loss to the Tigers.

8. Louisville.

310 yards and two TDs for Teddy Bridgewater in a 24-10 victory over Rutgers would be another great week if the American had anything resembling competition for Louisville, and if Bridgewater wasn't competing against his own insanely high standards at this point. Instead, we get to engage in a great college football tradition: redefining underwhelming in the dumbest possible ways.

9. Texas A&M.

Won twice: first in a 41-38 track meet with Ole Miss, and second in not having Johnny Manziel's knee explode into sad fragments when he went down on a non-contact injury in the first quarter.

10. LSU.

Throttled Florida in a 17-6 game where LSU did not play the hammer, and Florida did not play the nail. Now, hypothetically, if you wanted to just decide which teams were closest to playing the roles? LSU looked really hammer-ish, and Florida looked as flat and battered and helpless as a nail, yes. But any similarities to real teams or persons is purely coincidental.

11. UCLA.

Bad: only ran for 68 yards against Cal. Good: still beat the Bears 37-10, with Brett Hundley passing for 422 yards and 3 TDs with no interceptions.

12. Oklahoma.

Lost 36-20 to Texas, because Mack Brown and Bob Stoops have an agreement to make each other's lives as uncomfortable as possible, but only to the degree that allows them to continue holding their incredibly lucrative jobs. OU didn't feel comfortable calling running plays with eight-foot-tall, 350-pound overhuman Blake Bell, which is weird because it's something he happens to be very good at and that Texas has been terrible at defending this year.

13. Miami.

Bye week spent marveling at Florida's offense looking even worse in a game than it did against them.

14. South Carolina.

A 52-7 score only tells so much of the story of a victory over Arkansas. Sometimes you need words. Special ones.

Spurrier: "I do feel badly for Arkansas. That’s no fun getting your butt beat at home, homecoming and all that." — Josh Kendall (@JoshatTheState) October 12, 2013

Ahhhh, there they are. That's the whole game right there, provided you mention that Arkansas passed for exactly thirty yards on the day.

15. Baylor.

Shamefully dented their scoring average by only winning 35-25 over Kansas State, doubling that shame by being outgained by K-State in offensive yardage and first downs. They even -- gasp! -- punted five times.

They also won a road game, something Baylor hadn't done in the Big 12 since 2011, but if we lose our focus on largely meaningless stats, then we'll start enjoying ourselves and watching football for pleasure. This must never happen.

16. Washington.

Lost 45-24 to Oregon, but had an unfair disadvantage by not having a Marcus Mariota. Note: for best results, always try to have a Marcus Mariota on your football team. If you cannot find one, make one out of spare human parts, high voltage, and stuff you found around the Oregon locker room OH MY GOD HE REALLY IS ROBODUCK.

17. Florida.

Had fewer yards offensively in their 17-6 loss to LSU than UAB did in a 56-17 loss to the Tigers earlier this season. SEC defense and Sun Belt offense is no way to go through life, Will Muschamp.

18. Michigan.

Pulled the trap door out of the top 25, finally dropping the game the Wolverines had been threatening to lose for three weeks straight, in quadruple overtime to Penn State by a score of 43-40.

Was Penn State awful in OT? Yes, only scoring nine points in four overtime possessions. Was Michigan worse? Tremendously so, only scoring six points in four overtime possessions, playing for long field goals with disastrous results.

19. Northwestern.

Lost 35-6 to Wisconsin, so it turns out Pat Fitzgerald got to see a full 60 minutes of suck.

"I'm looking forward to the next 30 minutes, because the first 30 minutes sucked." HELL YEAH, PAT FITZGERALD. — Sippin' on Purple (@sippinonpurple) October 12, 2013

20. Texas Tech.

A 42-35 win over Iowa State gets them bowl-eligible, and more importantly continues Paul Rhoads' streak of noble and heartfelt defeats.

21. Fresno State.

Bye week spent stocking replacement shoulders for Derek Carr, the Fresno State quarterback averaging more than 50 attempts a game in the 2013 season.

22. Oklahoma State.

A bye week spent in speechless ecstasy watching the Red River Rivalry.

23. Northern Illinois.

Edged Akron 27-20 in much the same manner as fellow Big Ten members Michigan did earlier this month.

24. Virginia Tech.

A dominant 19-9 street-beatin' of Pitt, or at least as dominant as a win as you can have while scoring only 19 points.

25. Missouri.

Lost their staring quarterback James Franklin in their biggest SEC win yet, because the Tennessee Injury Virus is migrating through UGA and into Mizzou.

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