THE HEAVENS—Saying humans can forget everything they thought they knew about producing offspring, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced a substantial overhaul Friday of the human procreation process, with changes set to go into effect next year. “Get ready, because come 2021, the way Homo sapiens mate will be getting a complete top-to-bottom revamp,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that He was excited for the reproduction method of His flagship species to get this long overdue upgrade, the first in hundreds of thousands of years. “The new procedure is much more user-friendly than the old system, with a streamlining of all foreplay and an elimination of any biological functions not strictly necessary for conception. There will definitely be a learning curve as people get acclimated to a different interface, but once everyone gets the hang of it, breeding will be up to 100 times more efficient. Just make sure to swap out your genitals for the updated versions by January 1.” God later demurred when asked by reporters to address rumors within the anatomical community that testicles will finally be housed inside the torso the way ovaries are.

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