Emotional incest, not to be confused with overt incest, is a type of abuse in which a parent relies on their child for the emotional support that would normally be provided by another adult. If you’re a parent, it can look like asking your child for advice on adult matters, leaning on your child for an ego boost or to inflate your sense of self-importance, making your child responsible for providing therapy or crisis management, or — in Tyler’s case — expecting your child to be your best friend.

Unlike overt incest, these inappropriate relationships are in no way sexual in nature, though the emotional and psychological effects are undeniable. This phenomenon affects both same-sex and opposite-sex parents, single or married, and blurs the line between keeper and companion. The dynamic often traps children between feeling overwhelmed and empowered by the emotional responsibility, and because the child ultimately takes on a parental role, they often lose the essence of their childhood. We may not recognize this damaging dynamic when it takes the shape of an adorable five-year-old tending to their distraught mother after a custody hearing. But when it grows into a 30-year-old who doesn’t date out of fear of alienating their emotionally enmeshed parent, we see it more clearly.

The absence of a parent is neither the child’s fault nor their responsibility

Picture this: A young child finds their mother curled up in her bed, sobbing uncontrollably. They approach their mother to console her, concerned and slightly frightened by the display. The child says, “Don’t cry, Mommy. I love you so much! If you stop crying I’ll give you all my toys!” and gives their mother a huge hug. The mother looks up, and with a smile on her face says, “Thank you sweetie, you always make Mommy feel better. See,” she says as she wipes her eyes, “Mommy’s not sad anymore. She just needed one of your hugs.” The child proudly marches off to the next room to watch cartoons, having just saved the day and fixed Mommy once again, and all is right with the world. Or so we think.

The problem with emotional incest is that it’s not as vulgar or offensive to our sensibilities as sexual incest. Most of us wouldn’t think twice about a child consoling their parent through a tough time, but when it becomes normal for consolation to flow from child to parent, children begin to understand that maintaining Mommy’s or Daddy’s well-being is a responsibility that falls heavily on them. Let’s be clear: Our emotions are not other people’s responsibility, and we learn that by watching our parents model healthy emotional expression and maturity. When our parents miss the mark, we struggle with emotional intelligence and accountability. Every time we dump our adult-sized baggage on our children or make them referees in an adult conflict, we teach them that other people are at the helm of our stability and happiness. As they navigate the dating pool, they’ll either seek out relationships with emotionally unavailable people or avoid intimacy altogether. They become adults who are more caregivers than self-lovers, or who use other people as their emotional asylums — a danger either way.