The Late Show followed up Monday night’s presidential debate with a live broadcast in which Stephen Colbert picked apart the showdown between Hillary Clinton and Donald “Uses Cyber as a Noun” Trump. In his monologue, Colbert first laid out the wildly different expectations for each candidate going in to the debate.

Clinton:

Be confident but not smug

Be knowledgable without being a know-it-all

Be charming but not affected

Be commanding but not shrill

Be likable

Be warm

Be authoritative

Don’t cough

Trump:

Don’t commit murder (on camera)

So how did the two candidates stack up, in Colbert’s eyes? Clinton told the first lie of the night (“Donald, it’s good to be here with you”) and seemed otherwise hyperprepared, earning her the affectionate, if extremely unfortunate, nickname of Preparation H. Meanwhile, Trump, who has spent months questioning his opponent’s health, spent a inordinate amount of time during the debate sniffling. “Trump sounded like he was fighting off a cold—with cocaine,” offered Colbert. “He sounded like the coked up best man in the bathroom at a wedding.”

Still, the real winner of the night, according to the Late Show host, was moderator and sometime jazz musician Lester Holt: “Which makes sense, since he’s hosted Dateline and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other.”

Read more Slate coverage of the 2016 campaign.