A man on Instagram posts a picture of nude women strewn across loose cash. A Celebrity wins an Oscar and talks about changing the world. Our Facebook news feed shows us caricatures of people’s lives – a pixel tapestry of embellishment and misrepresentation. Money is a means to an end, status is our culture; success is everything.

This is our world.

Success has become to us what enlightenment was to the Yogis. Where our Eastern friends busied themselves with the pursuit of acceptance and oneness, we busy ourselves with wealth and status. Where a homeless guy preached the importance of loving your brother, Instagram celebrities preach the importance of trampling him underfoot in ruthless competition.

We’ve all got to succeed. But like you, I’ve often found myself lost in a confused mess of crushing self-doubt, crippling feelings of inadequacy, and fleeting moments of roaring motivation. It sucks. Human’s are emotional creatures, and insecurity is often our default mode. We look at people and we see only what we lack. It’s a perspective that can feel imprisoning – and success is often marketed to us as our means of escape.

Understandably – the whole situation is a mess.

But I’m here to help.

Below is every bit of wisdom I’ve accrued reading countless self-help books, failing dozens of dreams, and ever so slightly achieving a few of them. As with my article on being a player; if you pay attention, then the secret will be revealed.

Let’s begin…

1) Do not define success. If you don’t, it’s more marketable.

2) Don’t be afraid to fail. That would be human.

3) When networking, do not have approval seeking behaviour. Instead, feign dominance. Approval will follow.

A picture of Bears. For motivation.

4) Work on your goal every day. Or alternatively, whenever you feel like it.

5) Make sure you have the One Perfect Morning Routine. You must get this right. Choose from 1,000,000 options.

6) Meditate! Eastern tools of detachment are perfect for achieving material goals!*

7) If you want to be a WINNER™ you need to adopt the LION™ mindset. Eat other men’s children and lick you own arsehole.

Scratch trees. Shit on the ground.

8) You are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Seize and release human beings like rungs on a ladder.

9) Don’t go to university. That would be following the trend. Instead, follow this trend.

10) Take life advice from psychopaths.

11) Don’t be average. Be what I tell you.

Be what I tell you.

12) Look down on people who get married and have children. Instead, die alone.

13) When in doubt – give up.

14)If you want to be a WINNER™ you need to adopt the LION™ mindset. Spend most of your day asleep.

Face extinction. Get harassed by flies.

15) Have more than 15 laws.

16) When happy, attribute it to success. When sad, attribute it to success.

17) Networking is the key to success. Compete with all of your friends –only one of you can succeed.

Make sure everyone on Facebook sees the things you saw through your phone.

18) If someone doubts you – become defensive.

19) When writing anything – use short sentences and numbers.*

20) If you want to be a WINNER™ you need to adopt the LION™ mindset. Pace up and down the walls of your enclosure, occasionally eat your own shit.

Don’t be Sea Lion, though. They’re not quite as impressive.

21) Fail. Try. Add more failure. Bake for 10 years. Season with luck. Succeess guaranteed.

22) Consider therapy.

Bing!

*Meditation is like being in a relationship. You don’t try to change the person you’re in a relationship with, you accept who they are. And you sure as shit don’t use them to achieve an end.

*They even did this in The Bible. Go figure.

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