I'll preface this by saying that, while this is hilarious and ridiculous, it's also shockingly graphic for a Victorian text. I will try to be as delicate as I can and focus on the humorous side, but it's still NSFW, NC-17, rated 18, whatever rating system you have for adults.The text I read was(written between 1896-1898), which is a retelling of the medieval German legend. I called it a fantasy-fiction erotic novella, but really it is just an unfinished novel that Beardsley died before completing. I'm kind of glad about that, because I don't think I could have handled much more of it. I laughed myself sick in the hour it took me to read it. The original text is here , if you fancy checking it out yourself.A quick note on Beardsley: he was an English writer and illustrator who ran with Oscar Wilde's crowd. He was very foppish, liked to challenge the Victorian establishment, and was chronically sick, dying from tuberculosis at 25. His sexuality is a matter of debate--some think he was a homosexual, some think he was asexual, and some believe. There have got to be better ways of following in Byron's footsteps, but what do I know?Okay, here's the story--and I apologize in advance, but. Trust me, you'll have enough to deal with today: It opens with a long dedication to Cardinal Giulio Poldo Pezzoli. That's right--this story of "all sex, all the time" is. Beardsley converted to Catholicism late in life, so I guess this is the highest compliment he can give the Church? I don't know. After he slobbers all over the Cardinal for a while, he gets to the story.Tannhäuser is riding up to Venusburg, home of the Goddess Venus (because Greek goddesses who run around naked prefer that balmy German weather to frigid Greece or something). He's all nervous about how he looks and is being SUPER prissy about his perfect little clothes and his perfect golden curls, and how is it possible that I hate this character already? Also, there genital imagery EVERYWHERE. You have your giant phallic pillars and your vaginal blooming flowers, and I'm like, "GOOD LORD, I GET IT. ENOUGH ALREADY." So then he rides into the city.Meanwhile, Venus is in her room. Her hair is being curled by her servants, and it. Is. Sexy. This is the sexiest hair curling that has ever happened in the history of ever. Even her servants "stand amorously about". Whatever that means. I think it means no one has any pants on.So she's getting ready to get dressed in her sumptuous gown "of yellow and yellow" (. . . What? Couldn't he think of two shades of yellow?) and her favorite servant, Priapusa, comes rushing in. Priapusa is hideously ugly. Not really sure what relevance this has, but by God, Beardsley makes sure we know it. So Priapusa is all, "My lady, Tannhäuser is in the city, getting pelted by our populace with roses. He started smooching the God of All Gardens, and now he's at the baths "making a favorable impression" (I BET HE IS).Venus is like, "WOO! Let's finish getting dressed." So she chooses what shoes she wants to wear and, according to the nightly ritual or something, after she has chosen her shoes, her servant is allowed to take a different shoe and. (The text says, "As the tray was being carried away, the capricious Florizel snatched as usual a slipper from it, and fitted the foot over his penis . . . That was Florizel’s little caprice.")Venus is like, "Wow, my shoes look so amazing that I don't think I'm going to actually get clothed tonight. Just stockings and shoes at dinner, what do you all think?". So Venus just kind of stands around, indifferent, while her servants mack on her knees and stuff, and then the dinner bell rings and she's like, "I'm hungry!" and walks off, presumably naked.The next chapter sees her and Tannhäuser at dinner with her court. They are surrounded by "4,000" phallic candles and a bajillion vaginal shell-shaped vases, and at this point in the story I stop even noticing Victorian genital imagery.Guys, this is a weird dinner party. Venus is naked, and Tannhäuser is naked under his bathrobe, and "dyed in purples and bright greens", and the couches they're sitting on had "" on them (I have no idea what that means . . . I hope the packets are full of condoms, because it hasto be an STD-palooza up in this hizzy).After dinner, everyone starts drinking and gossipping, which rapidly turns into an orgy. As you do.by some chick named Julia, who we've never heard of before and never hear of again. Venus starts biting Tannhäuser (I assume Julia's gone away at this point, but it's a orgy: anything is possible), and then sex happens.. I'm sitting here thinking "That is really not the time to tickle people, Priapusa," but I guess they're fine with it because they all make out. 'Kay.So when the orgy starts to lull, some actors put on a . . . play? Opera? Ballet? Some kind of performance. Then I start freaking out, because there are children in this play and I'm like, "Children shouldn't really be here, but I guess if the orgy's over and they're on stage, separated from the debauchery . . ." ONLY THEN UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS START ON STAGE. The lead character in the play remembers how he "."AND I AM UNCOMFORTABLE. I'm not sure if something sexual is happening here or not, because the children leave and THEN the proper orgy starts on stage, but during this I was like, "NOOOOOO! Think of the children! No--wait--don't think of the children! Think only of consenting adults!"The play/orgy ends, and Venus and Tannhäuser go back to her room for more sex. Afterwards, Tanhauser wishes he had the stamina to go again, but he's relieved when, instead, Venus's servants bounce into the room and kidnap her, or something, so she can have sex with their crew.Then everyone goes to sleep. Part two tomorrow.