The vice presidential debates are tonight. We expect and assume that, as in most elections, the debates—and the subsequent election—will be decided primarily upon the basis of which candidate most fully embodies the wise teachings of Gawker Media fitness columns. Well, shut it down, Biden has won, no need to show up today, might as well stay home and moisturize, "SNOWFLAKE" Ryan.

If there are two things that you should have taken away from our Man Booker Prize-winning fitness columns of 2012, it is these two things:

1) DVD-based fad group workouts such as P90X are for fascists who cannot be trusted, and

2) Stop doing curls.

And now, today, on the eve of Paul "CUPCAKE" Ryan's big night in the spotlight, along comes Time magazine with a photo essay of ol' "SWEETCHEEKS" Ryan demonstrating his workout prowess by doing curls, accompanied by an essay about doing P90X. (The photos were taken just last December.)

Why not just vote to eliminate the entire United States Department of Hardcore while you're at it?

I mean if you click through the photo essay literally every workout shot features Paul Ryan doing curls (even concentration curls, which are like "gee these regular curls were slightly too functional for me, can I get some curls that are made out of 100% ego rather than just 95% ego, please?") and then the whole essay is like "Oooo, P90X is so great, I love Tony Horton, *jacks off*, blah blah blah, *wears spandex*." I mean give America a break with this, for the love of Mike.

Meanwhile Biden is probably off doing squats in the garage.

Hey Paul Ryan, nice little red hat, did you bring that little red hat to the photo shoot yourself? Yeah, I bet you did. Does your little red hat help you with your concentration curls? Yeah. I bet it does.

Fuck this guy.

[Photo: Gregg Segal / Time magazine]