Did you know the government has "weather weapons" capable of not only creating tornadoes but moving them around? This is what Alex Jones said on his radio show yesterday when a caller asked him whether the OKC tornado was "artificial" and "man-made."

Well, it didn't take long for Alex Jones to poop out a ridiculous conspiracy theory surrounding the monster tornado that ripped through Moore, Oklahoma on Monday.

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Did you know the government has "weather weapons" capable of not only creating tornadoes but moving them around? It's also possible that these so-called weapons were used in Oklahoma to deliberately murder dozens of citizens -- you know, with a tornado. If the government wanted to annihilate a population of citizens, there are easier and more subtle ways to do it than literally creating a massive tornado. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This is what Alex Jones said on his radio show yesterday when a caller asked him whether the tornado was "artificial" and "man-made" due to "technology." Just as this caller, who's obviously suffering from severe paranoid delusions, ended her rant, Jones launched into a paranoid rant of his own which included, as it always does, a random string of official names of organizations potentially involved. Bill Gates Weather Modification, Geo-Engineering, AP, Reuters, Department of Energy. (Other frequently blurted names include IBM, Raytheon, Bechtel, FEMA and The Illuminati.) Then, totally unrelated to the tornado, he tossed in a bit about the U.S. Code relating to biological and chemical warfare, and the apparent ability of the government to kill us with chemicals agents under the guise of experiments and law enforcement. In fact, he named a U.S. Code title by number, chapter number, subsection number -- all the way down to the paragraph letter. Because it sounds official and therefore authentic.

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Word salad. You'd expect to hear this from a guy wearing a tunic made of plastic bags and used diapers while shouting at invisible enemies on the street corner. But it's just the kind of gibberish, delivered with the slick fluidity of a televangelist, that paranoid schizophrenics eat for breakfast. Millions of them nationwide.

However, unlike his Boston Marathon "false flag" theory, he left himself some wiggle room when he said:

"I don't know if this was a weather weapon or not, but they can, with the right conditions -- they can create and steer groups of tornadoes."

Yes, the U.S. government can not only create and steer a tornado, they can steer entire groups of tornadoes. Given the monstrous power of the Oklahoma storm, this means the U.S. government could effectively contain and move the explosive power of the detonated Hiroshima bomb -- several of them evidently. Jones wasn't clear about precisely how they'd accomplish this but it would presumably involve force-fields and tractor beams of some sort, which begs the question: why don't we have floating cars and Back to the Future hoverboards yet?

This is as close as he came to defining how it's done:

"The question is, were their helicopters and small aircraft seen... in and around the clouds, spraying and doing things. If you saw that, you better bet your bottom dollar they did this, but who knows if they did. You know, that's the thing, we don't know."

Spraying things and doing things? Just enough ambiguity to dig him out of the hole, while offering up a physical explanation to his sociopathic listeners. See, if there are helicopters in the sky, they must be there to spray "things" and do "things" to the weather because of the New World Order and the Illuminati -- and not because there are such things as rescue helicopters, police helicopters, news helicopters and so forth which are typically deployed whenever a natural disaster is taking place. This is the core of Jones' scam. He takes every day things (see also juice boxes) and spins them with nefarious intent for the digestion of mentally ill followers who need to feel as if they're special because they're aware of what's really happening out there. Jones is manufacturing for his own personal wealth the antithesis to Occam's Razor: there aren't any simple explanations for anything. We'll call it Bidondi's Razor. Alex Jones weaves these complicated scenarios and therefore creates a perpetual, addictive need for... Alex Jones... to guide and protect his disciples through the twisted labyrinth of what's really happening.

The irony, of course, is that there's an obvious and actual conspiracy circulating around all of this: the economic and political effort to exacerbate the climate crisis. And yet Alex Jones rejects the entire idea of the climate crisis and, with it, the solutions for mitigating it. In this case, the corporate and political manipulation and abuse of our climate is happening in plain view, threatening to decimate the human species (among others) and Alex Jones believes it's all fake. He believes global warming is a Ponzi scheme and a plot to collect carbon taxes. The ability to create and move groups of tornado funnel clouds is actually happening while the calculated, scientific consensus that the Earth is growing hotter due to human-made pollution is a hoax.

Weird.

Someone as allegedly in-the-know as Alex Jones doesn't realize that the government and corporate America has been exchanging billions of dollars and colluding for decades, if not more, to rape the natural world, risking the future health and longevity of humanity. That's totally not a conspiracy. But the effort to stop it is clearly a plot. Welcome to the fucked-up parallel universe of Alex Jones. Everything is a scam, except for the things that actually are. And this explains Alex Jones himself: as he rattles off these preposterous theories to his gullible followers, he himself is the true scam artist -- inventing conspiracies to exploit the naivete of his audience, handed down from a position of booming authority and sheer profit motive.