Please Don’t Kick Me: How We Project “Weakness” and Risk Turning Ourselves Into Victims

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When an evil and hurtful person chooses a victim, they are often looking for signs of weakness and vulnerability.

Of course this doesn’t justify their hurtful actions, but it can help us explain them and perhaps prevent them in the future.

To be clear, a victim never deserves the bad things that happen to them. If I happen to leave my car unlocked in a busy parking lot, that doesn’t mean I deserved to have my stuff stolen anymore than if I had my car locked.

The bad deed is always the responsibility of the bad actor. They chose their bad actions – it’s their fault that it happened, not yours. And it’s their guilt that they have to deal with.

However, one simple and uncomfortable truth is: bad people exist . They always will, even if they are a small minority of people. And if they see an opportunity to take advantage of someone, they are going to take it.

A car that is unlocked is more likely to be broken into than a car that is locked. It’s one less hurdle for the evil person to overcome to succeed at their bad deed. It’s a weakness – and some are willing to take advantage of it. That’s why car locks exist in the first place, right?

Evil and predatory people are constantly trying to scope out our weaknesses. In one interesting study, it was shown that street criminals can often choose their victims simply based on how they walk. If a person has a slouched posture, looks down at the ground, and walks sluggishly, a criminal is more likely to see that person as weak and submissive.

Often we aren’t even aware of these weaknesses when we are projecting them. And that can be a dangerous thing, because we don’t realize the ways we are making ourselves vulnerable.



“Please Don’t Kick Me”

When we project weakness, it doesn’t just make us susceptible to physical abuse but psychological abuse as well.

Psychological weakness can lead to toxic and negative relationships because we end up broadcasting to abusive people that we are easily manipulated. And that highlights us as a new target for the next narcissist or psychopath.

In Eric Berne’s classic psychology book Games People Play, he describes one social game we sometimes play called “Kick Me.” This game is very illustrative of a “victim mentality” that can often become self-perpetuating.

According to Berne, this game is the equivalent of putting a sign on your back saying, “Please don’t kick me,” and then wondering why we keep getting kicked. We turn to the person who kicks us and say “But the sign says don’t kick me, so why did you kick me?”

The paradox is that if you are the type of person who needs to say “Please don’t kick me,” it signals that you are the type of person who gets kicked around a lot. So by broadcasting your weakness (even in the name of protection), you actually end up making yourself more susceptible to abuse.

Of course the average person will respect your wishes and not kick you. But the bad person (who exists) will see your plea for respect as a sign that you don’t command respect naturally – and that may motivate them to take advantage of it.

One time a girl asked me, “If I cheated on you, do you think you’d take me back?”

I told her about a time earlier in my life when I did accept a girl back after she cheated on me. Deep down, I ultimately believe in forgiveness and second-chances, so I told her “Yes.”

Needless to say, by broadcasting this to her, she eventually ended up cheating on me because she figured I would still take her back anyway. This was partly my fault, because I left that option available when I shouldn’t have.

In some sense, I should have “faked” an appearance of strength in that moment and told her “No” (even if I wasn’t completely sure). But instead I told her “Yes, I’ve been kicked in the past and I let people get away with it – but please don’t kick me again!”



When to Be Honest About Your Weaknesses

At this point you might be thinking to yourself, “Oh so I’m just supposed to pretend to be strong all the time? Never show my weaknesses to anyone ever? Just bottle them up and march forward?”

No, that’s not what I’m saying exactly. It’s very important that we are honest about our weaknesses to ourselves. And it’s also very important that we are able to discuss our problems openly and comfortably with other people.

However, my recommendation is to talk about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities with a select group of people. Unless you’re part of a public campaign to raise awareness about a particular issue, don’t share them with everyone.

This means not “playing the victim” with everyone you meet, expecting them to automatically respect and coddle you because they feel bad for you.

There’s a growing “victim culture” these days where people seem to think they should automatically be rewarded based on their perceived victim status. It’s an oppression olympics and the mantra of this culture is, “I have it worse than you!”

Yes, we need to talk about our deepest worries, anxieties, problems, and weaknesses. But these conversations are for people whom we really trust, like loved ones, support groups, and mental health professionals. These conversations aren’t for everyone.

The main lesson? Be careful who you share your weaknesses with. And be mindful of the different ways you may be projecting weakness without realizing it.



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