500-Year-Old Socialist Key To Youth Vote In 2020

U.S.—The youth vote is seen as key to a Democratic victory in 2020, but so far most of the announced candidates have not excited young people. That’s changed now that the extremely ancient socialist Bernie Sanders has slowly shuffled into the race.

“Boomers love fresh faces with brand new ideas,” explained political strategist Stacey Hernandez, “but they’re dying off. If you want young people, you need the oldest possible person you can find, spouting even older ideas that already failed repeatedly before any of us were born. That’s what kids love.”

Scientists aren’t exactly sure how old Bernie Sanders is and probably won’t be until he dies and they can cut him in two and count the rings, but they do know that his social security number is a single digit and that he first encountered socialist ideas as a youth playing stickball with a young Karl Marx. And young, liberal voters can’t get enough of him. “He just hates money,” said college student Darren Tate, “probably since it hadn’t been invented yet when he grew up, and it still scares and confuses him.”

Many now see Bernie Sanders as the frontrunner in the race, though there are some possible legal problems with his candidacy since the birth certificate establishing him as a native-born U.S. citizen is expired.

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