I put out a man's eye once. He was the abusive boyfriend of a friend and we knew he'd never be caught. So we burned down a candle, formed the shape of a man, carved his initials into it, stuck pins in it and buried it. Next time I heard about him he'd lost an eye clean out of his head.

I call that anecdote The Eye of Natural Justice. I've always been a believer in psychic stuff. I have prophetic dreams, read Tarot cards and spend hours on horoscope sites. I'm not alone in my fascination: Hilary Mantel's novel, Beyond Black, examines the illusions and inspirations of maybe-fake psychics, as does AL Kennedy's stunning The Blue Book. I don't think it's magic, I think it's deep intuition. Humans emit a strong unspoken charge and "leak" information through body language.

Or maybe the power of the psychic mind comes from Google. TV psychic Sally Morgan is accused of being fed information after people claimed to have overheard her researchers at a live event. I admit, some of my paid readings have been dodgy. A lady looked at my trainers: "I'm focusing on your feet. Do you do a lot of sports?"

Another woman enjoyed a racist rant: "Asian families, the woman's useless and the man, well, he just owns a shop." A chap swigged from a bottle and slurred: "It's only squash but I wish it wasn't. Now what I'm getting from you is a very feminine energy. You're fitter than a butcher's dog, you." Then he told me that I'd choose between two men. Because that's what a woman is, a dog running between sausages.

If any psychics are reading this (or intuiting it from the ether) and want to complain, be warned, I've got my wax handy.

Update: On 20 June 2013 Sally Morgan successfully settled her libel action against publishers of the Daily Mail, who withdrew the suggestion that she used a secret earpiece at her Dublin show in September 2011 to receive messages from off-stage, thereby cheating her audience, and accepted that the allegation is untrue. Her statement can be found here.