Scientists say it can hugely expand your child’s vocabulary. But how do you do it?

Name: Parentese.

Age: Popular since the mid-80s.

Sounds like: A bit like you’re being patronised.

I don’t like being patronised. Oh yes you do. Yes you do. Yes you do, my little sweetheart.

What on earth are you doing? I’m talking parentese to you. And by the look of it it’s working. Yes it is. Yes it is.

OK, let’s track back a little. What is parentese? I’m glad you asked. It’s a method of communicating with babies that utilises vowel hyperarticulation, pitch modification, slow speech rate and simplified wording.

That didn’t help. OK. You know the way you talk to a baby? It’s that.

Goo goo ga ga? No, that’s baby talk - when you don’t use any words and just make strange, cutesy noises instead. Baby talk is useless. Talk baby talk to a baby and you are just going to end up with a baby who talks baby talk. But talk parentese to a baby and you are going to end up with a baby with a colossal vocabulary.

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Really? According to a new study, yes. Researchers from the University of Washington took 48 families and taught half of them to speak parentese to their children. By 18 months, the parentese babies had a 100-word vocabulary.

And the babies that didn’t? Just 60 words. Which sucks for them, but at least we know that parentese works.

Why does parentese work? Because, by overenunciating to your baby in a sing-song voice, you are making it easier for them to differentiate words. The pitch and speed, and the happy tone in which it is delivered, seem to make babies want to respond in kind.

I’m not convinced. Does it really expand a child’s vocabulary? Oh yes it does. Yes it really does. Is that your belly? Oh, look at that little belly of yours.

Sir, I wish to disacknowledge this asinine allocution. Hold up, are those new words you’re using?

I think they are. It works! Parentese really works!

I’m not a parent, though. I don’t like how exclusionary the name “parentese” is. That’s fine. Most people call it child-directed speech now, anyway.

Tell me again how it works. Simple words with elongated vowel sounds delivered in a happy, engaged, higher-pitched voice.

Now give me an example. “Hellooooooo bayyyyybe, doooo youuuu want a baaaaaanaaaaanaaaa? Oooooh, niiiiiiiice baaaaaanaaaaanaaaa.”

There’s my good boy. OK, this is getting creepy now.

Do say: “Parentese is an easy way to accelerate your child’s development.”

Don’t say: “Until they start to patronise you.”