Are you a Helicopter Parent?

If Google has an instant answer to all the problems posed by youngsters, parents are its real-life counterparts today, making sure that they have ready-made solutions for all the problems the kids face. This has led many of them to tread the path of obsessive parenting , popularly known as helicopter parenting. Actress Kajol’s film Helicopter Eela touches upon exactly this aspect of parenting. Like drone cameras, they tend to hover over their kids 24*7, in their ‘pursuit of happiness’ of their children. Does helicopter parenting do more harm than good to the parent-children relationship? We talk to teachers, parents and experts.Sandhya Varma, a parenting coach and academician, narrates a story where a techie and a retired old man simultaneously start nurturing a plant each. “While the techie does a lot of research online and cares for the plant day and night, the old man keeps it moderate and does only what is needed, nothing more or less. One day high winds hit both the plants and while both get damaged on the surface, the roots of the old man’s plant stay intact, leaving the techie baffled. The old man then tells him the secret. ‘I gave the plant a chance to grow stronger, while you did not’. The actions of parents today can be equated to that of the techie. Before the child feels thirsty, they are ready with water, before they feel hungry, food is provided. Likewise, before the children face a problem, they have a solution ready, and before they make mistakes, the parents eradicate any such situation,” says Sandhya.The children’s perspective is shaped or tuned in such way that their mind’s radar catches only what is right; there is never an exposure to the wrong. “As a result, when the parents are not present, the children experience restlessness, boredom and impatience. When the child faces a new situation, they do not know what to do because we have not taught them,” Sandhya adds.The parents fail to understand that the songs of innocence have to be replaced by the songs of experience as the kids grow up to be adults, she adds. “Their likes and dislikes start changing. That is when the parents have to decide that it is time to let go. You are always a parent, but you don’t always have to ‘play’ a parent. A fine line has to be drawn somewhere, especially when the children turn 18 or 20. The question is not whether you are helping or hovering, it is about when a parent should help and when they should hover.”Mala B Menon, principal, Cochin Refineries School, says that in the age of nuclear families, the fixation of most parents on their children has actually started becoming stumbling blocks in the lives of the kids. “Parents are obsessed about getting their child to excel in every field. Soon the kids start rebelling, as they start feeling that their freedom is at stake,” she says.The youngsters are always under surveillance. “Every move of theirs is watched, by parents at home and by teachers at school. Adolescents need appreciation for building self-esteem,” adds Mala.The ideal, she says, is to stay alert and be watchful but make sure not to nag. “They must be given their space. If they are given too much freedom, it will get misused. Hence, safe monitoring from a distance would be ideal.”According to Beenamol KM, another teacher and a parent of two, over parenting will never do justice to the relationship between a child and a parent, or the child’s well-being. “The child becomes stubborn and will start insisting that their demands are met. By fulfilling all of them, the elders are failing as parents, and the opposite of what they wish for their child might happen. They are blocking the way for the moulding of the character or personality of their little ones.”She recollects how a child had an aversion towards anything that a classmate had, which he did not. “Once, he took one such gadget from his classmate and threw it into the road. He waited for a few minutes until it got crushed by a vehicle. This is the sad state of many kids today. I have also noticed a few kids, who cannot stand the sight of any teacher but the one they like the most. They overtly show their disinterest. Many of them do not know how to take criticism.The reason for this is the parents’ obsession to make everything perfect for their kids and to ensure they are not lacking in any aspect in life. The consequence is that the child cannot accept anything which is not according to their expectations, as he grows up.”By wiping out all chances of making mistakes, the parents actually lead them to a path wherein they cannot accept failure either. “When there is no learning from failure, there is no reality check on what the person can or cannot do or what his abilities are. Yes, there is a kind of confidence which he or she gets from the support of the parent but true confidence which comes from overcoming your inabilities is not allowed to emerge. Until the children reach Class 8 or 9, it is all praises for them, they imagine life is a bed of roses. The children are a priority for both the teachers and parents. However, when they step into the real world, and take on the role of an employee, it hits them hard, according to Sandhya. “The individual goes on a search for praises or validation.”What could be done so that the parents and their children head in the right direction? Sandhya says that as the child grows up there has to be a change in the mind-set of the parents too. Also, they have to realise that it is time to accept the reality that they are just a source of support for them. “Communication within the family needs to be more open and the child needs to be told about both the good and the bad. When it comes to matters of the family, get them involved. Their opinions also need to be sought, at times.”She concludes that parenting is just one aspect of life and the dynamics have to be such that as the children turn independent there is no emptiness in the parents’ lives. “Parents need to understand that they have a life of their own also, which would bring a lot of freedom and respect. Give children space to think, to make mistakes and correct them instead of keeping them in a closed world.”