How Pam got hep C Tommy Lee and his not-so-hep "stress bumps"; anti-smoker Spears caught puffin' away; Merle Haggard has kidnapping blues; "Dirty Dancing" to return -- with Ricky Martin?

Take a deep breath. Pamela Anderson is ready to disclose the details on how she caught hepatitis C from Tommy Lee.

It's not what you think.

"When we got married, we both had physicals, we had AIDS tests, we had every kind of test you can imagine, and we were gonna tell each other what we had, because we'd just started our life together -- what normal people would do," Anderson tells Jane magazine. "And when Tommy did his blood work, the doctor told him, 'You have hepatitis C, and you really need to tell Pamela.' And the next time the doctor saw Tommy, he said, 'Did you tell Pamela?' and Tommy said, 'Yeah, I told her, everything's cool.' But he never told me."

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Alas, Anderson says, the information could have proved useful the day they shared a tattoo needle.

"A tattoo artist came to our hotel because Tommy wanted a specific tattoo. He was doing his tattoo, and I was looking through the art book that this guy brought. And I said, 'Oh, my God, oh, that is such a beautiful tattoo. Can I have that, too?'" Anderson recalls. "And he goes, 'Well I only brought one needle, but you guys are married. I mean there's nothing you could give each other, is there?' And I was like, 'No.' And Tommy goes, 'No.' I get the tattoo, time passes, and after a physical, my doctor calls and says I have hepatitis C."

What's more, she says, hepatitis C isn't the only thing her ex might have failed to disclose to her. Lee's declaration to the press that he has neither hepatitis C nor a sexually transmitted disease (never has, he insists) is, she says, pure baloney.

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"When I was nine months pregnant, we go to have sex, and I remember going, 'What is that?' He's like, 'Oh, a stress bump.'"

OK, I think that's enough sharing for today, Pam.

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Not bad for the wife of a geek

Any of you out there who were startled to see Sharon Osbourne right up there with Natalie Portman, Britney Spears, Kirsten Dunst and the rest of their nubile, starry ilk on People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People list should know this: She was just as surprised as you.

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"What am I doing on this list?" Osbourne, wife and manager of Ozzy, exclaimed to the World Entertainment News Network.

Nevertheless, she says, "I'm really excited. It's very strange for someone like me, at 50, to be on this list."

Awww.

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Ransom blues

"It's like she kidnapped my children."

-- Merle Haggard on the cassette tape of his unreleased music that was allegedly stolen from his tour bus and offered up for sale on eBay, to the Dallas Morning News.

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Not a girl, not quite a nonsmoker

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Does Britney Spears' mother know about this?

The perky pop star was apparently caught smokin' on her hotel-room balcony in Sydney, Australia, by a keen-eyed paparazzo the other day.

According to the U.K. Sun, Spears, who has denounced smoking in the past, made a beeline for the great indoors after she spotted the photographer, but not before he snapped a photo of her, cigarette in hand.

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Oops!

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The time of your life ... again?

Remember all that talk a couple years back about a "Dirty Dancing" sequel? Well, they're talking about it again.

According to Ananova.com, Miramax honcho Harvey Weinstein is hot to sign Ricky Martin to the Patrick Swayze role and draft Natalie Portman (the poor unsuspecting dear) to slip into Jennifer Grey's dancin' shoes.

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"Martin has been searching for the right kind of vehicle, which might involve dancing and perhaps a song or two," a "source" told the British Web site. "He likes Harvey's ideas."

Good thing someone does.

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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.