CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

The hazardous air quality alerts for Melbourne and surrounds will be in place until at least this evening for the bushfire smoke blanketing central and eastern Victoria.

The state recorded the worst air quality in the world yesterday, as smoke from East Gippsland fires spread and authorities alerted the elderly and those with respiratory issues to stay indoors.

While Scotty From Marketing has already celebrated the fruits of his thoughts and prayers with torrential rain forecasted for the firegrounds of New South Wales and Queensland – the fires further south are now as bad as they’ve ever been.

The recent bushfires have burned 1.4 million hectares across the Victoria. Four people have died, with 353 homes and 548 other structures destroyed.

However, as tragic and as expensive as this disaster has been, the government’s number one concern from these bushfires is the affect they are having on the public’s opinion of them – On Monday, the Scotty from Marketing received the worst ever Newspoll ratings for any Prime Minister within 6 months of an election.

Analysts put these numbers down to the fact that the Federal Government not offering any help with bushfires until after Scotty had finished his pre-Christmas Hawaiian resort holiday, others say it might be because he then visited the towns destroyed by bushfires and forced grieving residents to shake his hand.

However, according to the Prime Minister’s office, these poll numbers are due to the lack of sport to distract the nation, following the conclusion of the Sydney test.

In worse news for the pleb voters that need to be distracted from the unprecedented climate-change-aided bushfires, Tennis Australia says it is now working with the Bureau of Meterology and Environment Protection Authority Victoria scientists to decide whether it’s safe for the Australian Open to continue in Melbourne.

In an effort, to rectify this tragic lack of sport, Scotty has today arrived at the Gippsland fire grounds wearing ten AFL scarves – in an effort to remind the distressed Victorians that he knows what sport is, and that the this particular type of sport is just around the corner.

“How good’s Aussie Rules!” the Prime Minister shouted at several exhausted firefighters who had collapsed on the roadside just outside of Tamboon.

“Who’s gonna win the flag this year you reckon boys?”

“If the Tiges get up again I might need to tell Peter to let his dad back in the country haha”

At time of press, Scotty From Marketing was attached to a drip in the medical centre after overheating underneath the five kilos of woollen AFL merchandise