Our internal affairs office has recently come to a startling verdict: the newest Draenan entrance on the tramway was filled in by one of our own journalists, Rusty Screwgate, in an effort to avoid the release of recently weaponised bats, and no, not the wooden kind.

Twll Ddu, the entrance to Draenan opened in 2016, was closed recently by a man, now identified as Rusty screwgate, using copious amounts of concrete and steel reinforcements.

He was hoping to entomb several hundred bats who became recently radicalised by and extremist member of the Cambrian Caving Council.

The bats were discovered last week by a biologist from the PDCMG, the organisation responsible for a long campaign to close the entire cave to anyone not sporting a beard and a funny accent. CCC operatives soon moved in, transporting them to training camps in Transylvania, wherein they learnt to make spurious FOI requests and tactically soil the uniforms (woolly jumpers) of officers from Natural Resources Wales. The now radicalized bats were fitted with laser headsets, not only used for guiding in barrels of concrete to wayward holes, but also used to make accurate Draenan surveys with the aim of showing them to no one.

Our reporter Mr. Screwgate was immediately concerned by this: “Due to level-headed and sensible approaches to access, people up here nary as rancorous with one another about what is essentially a hole in the ground”. Rusty took action and disarmed the weaponised bats in the most absolute sense; “this terror will not spread, and the rest of the caving community is protected from experiencing this sort evil, mechanised, warfare…for now”.

A joint statement from the CCC, PDCMG, and CADW stated: “We are very disappointed. The issue of the new entrance was being discussed in a totally reasonable and calm manner, and we were sure that eventually an agreement, and perhaps even a compromise, could be reached between the Open Access Nutters and the Cave Destroying Bastards”.

Whilst we in the DB team regret the unfortunate experiences of all involved, we are sure that now the ability to radicalise bats has become apparent, the sorry issue will only continue into the future. THE FIGHT GOES ON.