NEW YORK—In response to his repeated failure to reimburse creditors for hundreds of millions of dollars in loans, sources confirmed Thursday that a collection agency is holding the nation as collateral until President Donald Trump pays off his business debts. “We will retain full possession of all 50 states as security for the more than $2 billion the president owes,” a spokesman for Parsons Credit Services said, adding that the company was holding the entire Pacific Northwest as a guarantee against the $364 million in transferred loans the commander-in-chief had borrowed from Deutsche Bank alone. “Due to the significant scope of the president’s debts, as well as the lengthy amount of time he has been delinquent—decades, in some cases—we have no choice but to hold the entire expanse of the United States until his obligations are paid in full. And if President Trump’s late fees and interest continue to accumulate, we’ll require additional collateral in the form of Puerto Rico, Guam, and American Samoa.” The collection agency also emphasized that if Trump did not completely satisfy his debts within the next 180 days, it was prepared to repossess the nation and have it sold off at auction.

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