Okay couch potatoes, it's time to set aside the feedbag, and learn how to do something with your body other than holding down your sofa. Your Uncle Sam is going to teach you a few exercises. I'm not talking about Jane Fonda or Tae-Bo here -- I'm talking about real exercises that'll turn you from a pork rind eating Nancy-boy, to a lean, mean Nancy-. Here we go:Sometimes you're a million miles from the nearest gym, and you can't exactly find Universal machines out in the field. As such, you've got to improvise. So, do what people in prison do, and use a deck of cards as your total body workout.It's easy. Simply lay some cards in a line on the floor. Pick up the first card using a proper squat technique (no cheating), step to the second card, and place the first card on top. Now, squat down and pick up the first card, then squat again and pick up the second. Continue on to the third card, and get three squats out of it, and so on. Continue until past the point of breaking, then do another card.Of course, you can mix it up a little, and add push-ups, sit-ups, etc. But I have a feeling squats will be enough at first.Have you heard the way you breathe? You'd think your respiratory system was made by Robert Fulton. It's loud. And if you're paid to be a ghost, that sucking sound you're making is going to get you killed.So you have to learn to hold your breath. This is an easy exercise to do -- just hold your breath. Your goal is five minutes. Go.I know what you're saying -- the splits are for cheerleaders and baton twirlers. Well let me tell you something, my split jump has saved me more times than I have clearance to mention. Flexibility is one of your best assets, whether on or off duty.To do the splits, simply spread your legs as far as you can, and once it starts hurting, go down farther. When you start to feel a tearing sensation, accompanied with dizziness and nausea, you're getting close. Practice daily, and soon you'll have groin muscles that can crack walnuts.I can hear you whining now, "But Sam, it's just too hard." Well, let me tell you a little motivational story. I'm sure you've seen, and think it's just fat dudes in diapers trying to knock each other over. And you're right. But the way these guys train is something to behold. Awrestler does an exercise called, which involves doing full horizontal splits, then bending forward and touching your head to the floor. If you can't do it, the trainer will help you -- by putting all their weight on your back, usually tearing muscles and tendons in the process. You gonna whine now?A neutralized human body is not something you can sling around like a pro wrestler. Despite the name, a stiff is anything but -- it's heavy, limp, and not easy to carry. You need to practice, and since it's not exactly ethical to practice with a real human body, a standard issue sand bag will have to suffice.This exercise is as simple as it gets: Pick the bag up, walk somewhere, and put it back down. Repeat until you feel like the bag.So there you have it -- your four-step guide to a new you. Now, I'm not making any Charles Atlas promises here -- odds are that bullies will still kick sand on you at the beach. But with a few weeks of training, you'll be able to counter with a swift and appropriate response.