Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it. W.C. Fields

This post is a little different from my normal material, though I have touched on ideas around it before. This is a special post for my man Rivelino who wanted me to elaborate on some ideas and concepts for him. Riv is a dating coach and, I suppose, pick-up artist. Good guy, if you happen to be an awkward, weird, socially isolated guy and need help learning about meeting women and all that jazz, hit him up. He’s an honest man, not a marketer, he’ll give you solid advice and help you out.

There was a discussion on Twitter between myself and Riv, along with a few other commentators, about what it takes to keep a girl happy in a relationship. Riv posted this to start the discussion:



I take a bit of issue with that, not in the sentiment but in the common understanding of the word “edge”. To most men, edge would imply danger. It would evoke images of a drug dealer, a fighter, a gang member. To be an edgy guy that the women swoon over is to be a “bad boy” which I don’t believe needs to be the case at all. I wouldn’t consider myself a “bad boy” at all, I’m a fairly cuddly lovey-dovey guy but I also implement many aspects of D/s and bondage into our relationship. You don’t have to be a stoic, you just have to be a leader and a man worthy of respect and admiration. You have an edge by being dominant, especially in modern society. Being a dominant man puts you above 80% of the herd, and sexual dominance puts you a step above that. Regardless of what you may hear, the vast majority of women desire to be dominated in bed, and I’m going to give you a small introduction in how to do so.



And so we have this article, it will be a short introduction to the basic ideas of BDSM.

Let’s start with the basics:

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. Yes, I know that’s BDSSM, shut up. Leave the S alone, let it do its job.

The basic idea is that you have a dominant partner and a submissive partner. The Dom takes charge of the encounter, ties up the Sub, controls what the Sub does, says, and feels. The Dom may inflict pain on the Sub both for the please of inflicting that pain, and the Sub’s enjoyment of being abused. The Sadomasochistic aspect is flowing into the more extreme aspects and many aren’t interested in that, but in my experience just about every woman that you meet will be interested in a little bondage, and being dominated whether that be physically, mentally, or both.



Subspace

A vast majority of women want to be dominated. Statistics vary depending on how the question is worded, but anywhere between 32% and 62% of women have what could be considered “rape fantasies”.

“The Journal of Sex Research, psychologists at North Texas University asked 355 college women: How often have you fantasized being overpowered, forced, raped by a man or woman to have oral, vaginal, anal sex against your will?

Sixty-two percent said they’d had at least one such fantasy.” (Source)

It’s biological, women like dominant men and they like rough sex. Even dominant women fantasize about being overpowered. There are many reasons for this, I’ll leave it to others in the evolutionary psychology arena to discuss the ‘why’.

Some women (most of them in my experience) enjoy this to such a degree that they attain what is called a subspace.

Defined by Kinkly as “Subspace is a state of being experienced by a submissive person in a BDSM scenario. There are two key kinds of subspace. The first is physiological subspace. It can be accessed through sustained pain play with floggers, paddles, or a Dom’s bare hands. The second is psychological subspace. It is brought about when a sub is drawn to the Dom, irregardless of physiological factors or the endorphins that pain produces.

Many subs liken subspace to a spiritual experience and say that it becomes easier to reach as their experience with BDSM interactions increases.”

It is the Dom’s responsibility to maintain the subspace and ensure that the Sub is enjoying the experience. Enjoy, in this context, doesn’t mean have fun, feel physical pleasure, or anything like that. In fact, enjoy could mean a variety of things from screaming out in pain, to begging to be abused, begging for the abuse to stop, or just being used like a sex toy. It varies from woman to woman, but it’s about the emotional release of the experience, not the pleasure of a typical vanilla sexual encounter. The Dom is in control of the situation within the limits allowed by the Sub. There is a dynamic there that must be respected, and boundaries must be set in order for the experience to be enjoyed by both parties. Newbies jumping into BDSM methods tend to ignore important concepts such as aftercare, safe words, and testing boundaries. I will be going over those things prior to actual ideas for implementation because they are important concepts that should not be ignored.

Aftercare

Possibly the most important concept in the sphere of rough sex, and one often ignored by newbies in the area, is the concept of aftercare.

Think of it this way, you’re a woman participating in a session of bondage and physical domination. You might know the man well, or maybe it’s just a hook-up. You’re tied down to the bed, ankles spread, wrists bound behind your head. Prior to and during the actual sex you’re subjected to hot wax dripped all along your body, you’re smacked in the face and spit on, called a dirty little slut and spanked so hard you might not be able to sit well the next day.

How do you feel about that? Good? Bad? Ambivalent?

During the act you might love it, you get into a subspace, you have an immense feeling of release. Being overpowered, having someone else take control and responsibility for what is happening to you. But what about afterward? Do you overthink the situation? Do you regret allowing yourself to be spoken to that way? Was it all just an act, or did he really mean that? He struck you often, maybe too often. Harder than you expected, maybe he really resents you, wants to hurt you and this kinky session is just an excuse for abuse.

Aftercare in its most basic form is taking the time after a session to talk about what happened, make sure that everyone enjoyed all of it, and discuss any changes you would want to make if there is going to be another encounter. For long-term partners especially, you don’t want your partner to feel as though they’re just being used for sex and taken advantage of. Even if that is what they enjoy during sex, they don’t want that to be the entire basis of your relationship.

For more extreme encounters, where pain is employed, aftercare can (and should) include cuddling, emotional care, making sure that your sub knows that they are cared for and that any negativity they may bring out from the sexual encounter doesn’t carry any weight in reality. There is an immediate phenomenon after an intense scene known as “sub-drop” where the endorphins and adrenaline wear off and the sub might feel scared, exhausted, anxious, or any number of other negative feelings. Emotional care and concern are required for any sort of extended relationship involving BDSM methods.



“One 2015 study found that nearly 46% of the 230 women surveyed felt feelings of tearfulness and anxiety after sex — which is known as “postcoital dysphoria” — at least once in their lives (and around 5% had experienced these feelings a few times in the four weeks leading up to the study). “

You want to avoid this as much as possible. It is your responsibility as the Dom to ensure that your Sub is cared for and maintain her emotional stability. You get the privilege of controlling the relationship (especially if you have a more D/s lifestyle outside of the bedroom) and so you bear the weight of maintenance as well.

Dominance and Submission

The bondage aspect of BDSM is easily understood (don’t worry we’ll get into actual knot tying and all that in a bit) but what isn’t talked about as often is the mindset that goes along with the D/s aspect of the practice.

As the Dominant partner it is your responsibility to control the interaction, and in many cases that extends to controlling the entirety of the relationship, even outside the bedroom. Discuss the extent of what your D/s dynamic will be. Some only implement it in the bedroom, even switching roles. The partner who is more dominant in life will become the submissive sexual partner. Others take it to an extreme where the D/s is the entirety of their relationship and one partner will walk the other around on a leash even in public settings. Personally, I go for something a bit in the middle. The blatant D/s dynamic is in our sexual encounters, where I decide what happens, when it happens, and how much rope will be used. Our relationship outside the bedroom is what I would call a soft D/s dynamic. I lead as much as I can, she looks to me for opinions, decisions, and guidance, but it’s nothing involving chains, leather, or gimp suits.

The mindset should be that of an owner. Your Sub is your property. You allow them autonomy up until it hits up against a boundary that you have, or you have a direct preference. You tell them what to do, how to do it, and for how long. This can be extended to simple things such as ordering their food for them at a restaurant, telling them what to wear, etc. It doesn’t always have to be sexual, though if you are with someone who is constantly sexually submissive, don’t be surprised when normal day-to-day encounters turn sexual after you give a command or enforce a strong boundary. This should be easy for men dating younger women, as you should have an air of authority and maturity anyway. The concept of Amused Mastery for those of you familiar with The Rational Male.



You have the authority to control much of their lives, and along with that comes the responsibility to care for them, maximize their happiness and well-being. Expect push back, often you will get a “what are you gonna do about it?” with a coy smile after you tell her “Don’t do that again.” This is partially an actual test for whether you are capable of truly being a dominant partner, and partially a little game of her wanting to be “punished” (more on punishment vs “punishment” later) for crossing a boundary you set. Anyone familiar with The Rational Male or Heartiste will be familiar with the idea of shit tests, this is similar.

This should be maintained as much as possible. Again, the misunderstanding is that you must be a stern, stoic asshole in order to be dominant, this is not the case. You can be kind, funny, compassionate, you just have to be in charge, and know that you are in charge. You have to be willing to leave, to walk away from the situation if your Sub disobeys and really mean it when you leave. You are the leader, the one in charge, the owner. Take care of your property, treat it with respect, but always know that you can get a new one. Even if you never plan on leaving your girl, even if you plan on spending the rest of your lives together, having the mindset of “I can buy a new one” will help your D/s dynamic and in return, help your relationship.



Boundaries

Before we get into actual methods in part 2 I want to discuss one last thing. Boundaries are important, you can discuss them explicitly or discover them through trial and error. Though if you opt for the second option, take it very slowly. There are many horror stories of people jumping into BDSM without any prior knowledge or experience and taking a choking session too far one night. Figure out what your partner likes and dislikes, come up with safe words (or hand signals if you’re using ball-gags and the like) be willing as the Dom to stop the session instantly if your Sub is uncomfortable. Understand that boundaries can be crossed in the heat of the moment and make a conscious effort to have rules for what to do in case that happens, and what safeguards to put in place to minimize it happening in the first place. The Dom’s responsibility is to build the subspace and push right up against the boundaries of comfort without crossing them. The closer you get to discomfort, pain, and humiliation the stronger the subspace will be for your partner and the more she will enjoy it, but know their limits and your own. There is a mindset that Doms can slip into which I will discuss in part 2, where the joy of the Sadism and Domination can overreach and an encounter can go from “We’re enjoying this” to “I’m enjoying this”, and you don’t want that to happen. It is a sacred duty to care for your Sub, even if “care” in this context might not mean what the average man thinks it does.

Knots must be tied properly to ensure blood-flow isn’t disrupted and no permanent damage happens, choking has a technique to is so that no one is injured. Hot wax should be a certain kind of candle, smacking, cutting, and emotional abuse will be defined (either implicitly during aftercare of a session or explicitly beforehand) and those borders will not be crossed.

Take some time to discuss with your partner what they want to try, and ease into it. There’s no sense in jumping in all at once, there is plenty to explore together and it will only get better as time goes on.

Now in part two we will discuss actual rope tying techniques, physical and psychological domination methods, toy usage, and how to bring up the idea of BDSM to a partner you aren’t sure would be into it. Stay tuned for part 2 coming soon.