Everything You Need to Know About Your Public Library’s New Murder Dome

If you’ve visited the Darien Public Library in the past few months, you’ve probably noticed the massive construction project underway in the lower levels. If you’ve asked one of our librarians what the project is, they’ve no doubt responded with a cold, reptilian stare and a nearly inaudible whisper of the words “murder dome.”

But what is this Murder Dome? Good question! The Darien Public Library Murder Dome is our town’s first — and only — community-minded center for any and all instances of blood sport, single combat, and trial by combat. It’s a place for friends and neighbors to watch friends and neighbors beat the ever-loving crap out of friends and neighbors. And, ideally, bring our community closer together.

We want the Murder Dome to be a welcoming place for everyone in Darien. Whether you’re two Hinsdale South High School students on a first date, looking to watch one of our very own “Bloodshed Champions” take on an outsider, or, a father and son, hoping to catch some loose teeth that get knocked into the bleachers. Heck, maybe you’re just wondering how long it takes to bludgeon someone to death with a hardcover copy of Anna Karenina.

Regardless of your reason for attending, we want the Murder Dome to be a place for new ideas. We want to aid in your lifelong journey of learning. We want to challenge your preconceived notions. We want to help you experience that weird coppery smell that hangs in the air after a man has been drawn and quartered by book carts.

After all, new ideas and experiences aren’t going away any time soon. Learning is a lifelong process. We want to aid in that process. Could we have just purchased a 3D printer and called it a day? Of course we could have, but think of the opportunity this provides for us to create our own proprietary content!

For an embarrassingly long time, consumption of violence through the Darien Public Library was limited to thousands of books, movies, television shows, video games, magazines, newspapers, and entering the right keywords into a Google image search to see some real Cronenberg-esque stuff.

No longer! With the Murder Dome, we’ve entered into the exciting realm of content creation.

Say, “So long!” to Russian dash cam footage you found on 4chan, or the LiveLeak .mp4 of an armed gunman who decided to broadcast his murders via Facebook Live. If there’s violence you want, it’s the Darien Public Library Murder Dome you need!

Explore the incredibly depraved depths of human savagery, dismiss your long-held belief — once and for all — that “all people are basically good,” or pop in for our seventh-inning stretch.

I mean “seventh-inning stretch” in a very literal sense. Remember the book cart thing from earlier?

Please note, however, that the Murder Dome can’t survive without the help of the community. Any and all weapon donations are greatly appreciated. If your tactical longbow, stockpile of flash grenades, or family heirloom scimitar has been gathering dust in the attic, we’d love to have it. Also, I’m supposed to mention that we still need your old books, I guess.

Yours in blood,

The Darien Public Library