Buy My Book

by Jim C. Hines

(To the tune of “Be Our Guest,” with apologies to Disney)

Congratulations to you, brand new author,

on the publication of your masterpiece.

And now I invite you to stop, step back, and listen

as readers throughout the world beg you: Please don’t be…

That Guy.

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Just a dollar on your Nook!

Click the banner large and flashing please.

Oh, won’t you take a look?

It has twists!

It has turns!

(True, my prose makes eyeballs burn…)

Try one chapter.

You’ll be hooked!

(Though my plot is undercooked.)

Wait don’t leave, please don’t go,

It has wizards, don’t you know?

Sparkling wizards fighting in the Famine Games!

Won’t you just read the prologue?

Or the praise on my blog?

Buy my book,

Buy my book,

Buy my book!

When I go

to a con,

don’t care what the panel’s on.

I digress and push my book until

the topic’s long foregone.

Afterward,

off I zoom!

I’ll be in the dealer’s room.

Stalking everyone who passes,

selling my book to the masses!

“Don’t read her. Don’t buy that.

This book here is where it’s at!”

And I’ll follow you all day

to wear you down.

Come on and grab your cash

I’m better than that trash,

so buy my book.

You look shook.

Just relax and take a look.

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Life is oh so stressful,

When I’m feeling unsuccessful,

As I wait for fame and glory. It’s my due!

Where are my movie deals and fawning groupies?

When will all my writing dreams come true?

Five years I’ve been shilling,

pushing books at the unwilling.

I won’t stop until I’ve sold this book to you.

Every night I dream about the future.

I’ll be rich and famous.

Buy my book, you ignoramus!

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

I wrote such a thrilling hook.

Just peruse all these reviews.

You can’t refuse to take a look.

One from Mom.

Twelve from me.

(From my sock puppets, you see.)

Just ignore the one-star haters.

Jealous writers. My book’s greater!

Copy, paste, and repost.

Normally I hate to boast,

but I’ll spread the word across the Internet!

And when you shout “No spam!”

I’ll just repost again,

So buy my book!

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Would you please just take a look?

I can’t sleep until my sales rankings go up

by hook or crook.

I’m obsessed,

yes it’s true,

with selling my book to you.

And you know I’ll just keep trying

’til you break down and start buying.

I won’t leave,

I won’t stop,

’til you call the nearest cop.

Then I’ll thrust at you my homemade business card.

So if you enjoy reading,

then to you I’m pleading,

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Buy my book!

Please, buy my book!