Iâd had a long day Googling synonyms for penis, when I sat down for some much deserved rest. I poured myself a beer, settled back into my armchair and grabbed my trusty Xbox 360 controller. I hit the power button, mentally preparing myself to spend the next hour being called synonyms for penis by 14-year-old boys. A lot of people complain about that kind of treatment from Xbox Live, but hell â some guys fly all the way to Bangkok just to experience it legally â I try to think of it as an honor. There was a loud beep Iâd never heard before, and the screen froze.

Right at my favorite mission, too. âThatâs odd,â I said to my dogs (because Iâm so, so lonely). âI wonder whatever that could be.â The controller wasnât responding anymore, so I reluctantly got up from my chair to manually press the power button like some kind of third world savage. I powered it back on, and thatâs when I saw it: Three sections of the ring were lit up brilliant red, flashing with vindictive mockery. The legends were true: The Red Ring of Death.

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"The Eye: that horrible growing sense of a hostile will that strove with great power to pierce all shadows of cloud, and earth, and flesh, and to see you: to pin you under its deadly gaze, naked, immovable."

âFFFFUUUUUUUUU-â *** â-UUUUUUCK,â I finished screaming (though this was completely unrelated to the earlier scream; it happens a lot these days). âI should probably call about that Xbox thingy,â I suddenly remembered, letting the mailman up from my Flying Rage Tackle, âbut weâre agreed, right? No more bills.â âI donât make the bills,â his voice broke nervously. âThatâs right: You donât. Not anymore.â I strode manfully (thatâs when you walk confidently, cock-first) into my living room and dialed the number for Xbox Support. I cleared my throat, arranged my papers in front of me, and prepared to introduce myself to the operator.