OCEAN CITY, MD—Stressing that the descriptions sounded incredibly tasty, local man Lucas Petrakis told reporters Monday that the copy on a package of cat treats was going on about their delicious, creamy center way too much for the company not to be marketing the product to humans. “It says they are ‘slow-roasted’ and ‘savory,’ which, come on, it definitely sounds like something you’d see on a normal snack,” said Petrakis of the product, which happens to be perfectly bite-sized for a human mouth, explaining how the packaging even contains a cross-section photograph of one of the glistening treats that the text describes as “a soft and meaty center.” “It also says they have a crunchy outside and an ‘irresistible filling,’ and it’s kind of making me crave them when I shouldn’t be. They really make them out to be quite appetizing in the text—I mean, the brand is even called ‘Temptations’—which is a little suspect since it’s not like my cat is going to be reading this.” At press time, Petrakis said, “Fuck it” and popped a handful of the cat treats in his mouth.

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