CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed. According to witnesses, Parker spent several seconds in the arms of his teary-eyed mother, a woman now expecting a brand-new luxury car to be sitting in her driveway within the next three months, before then moving on to hug his three brothers, all of whom intend to live with their friends in his soon-to-be-purchased mansion for free. Sources also revealed that Parker received a slew of text messages from various cousins and uncles—the future recipients of sizable loans they will never pay back—while he gave a special handshake to a close childhood friend who will drag him to strip clubs multiple times a week for the duration of his playing career to blow half of his paycheck. At press time, Parker’s night had reportedly culminated in his son’s conception, which will cost him roughly $65,000 per year in child support payments and ultimately drive him into bankruptcy in March 2021.



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