Behold! Shrimp Mayonnaise Pizza Doritos. A more brain-jarring grouping of words you will not find.

These Doritos are made in conjunction with Pizza-La, Japan’s largest pizza chain. Ebi mayo, from what I could gather, is a shrimp dish made with a mixture of Japanese mayonnaise, ketchup, honey, and a few other ingredients. Apparently it is also a popular pizza topping (Check the Pizza-La website and the commerical below for some other freakishness). Now, I’ve never heard of ebi mayo, much less tried it, so I’m going into this review without the original flavor to compare with.

Japanese Doritos are different from American Doritos and not just in the realm of flavors. The chip itself is also different. While American Doritos are lighter and packed with those airy bubbles that, I guess, come from frying, or however the Doritos Goblins make them, Japanese Doritos are thick and dense. No airy bubbles. They crunch and feel very differently than what I’m used to.

Appearance-wise, they are not nearly as heavily seasoned as their American counterparts. Not anything close to the thick layer of powder and seasoning that I am used to staining my fingers with. This, however, ends up being a problem.

Being called Shrimp Mayonnaise Pizza Doritos, I expected a flavorslap right in my tastecheek. I mean those four words call to mind some serious and distinct flavors. Sadly, I didn’t get anywhere near what I was expecting.

I don’t know how “Pizza” fits into the equation. Maybe Japanese pizza is different, but I couldn’t find the flavor at all: no sauciness, no cheesiness. Nor could I find the “Shrimp.” Even the “Doritos” didn’t taste right.

These have an oddly sweet flavor, that I really can’t identify. But I guess if I’m going with mayo and ketchup and honey, then theoretically, I guess these chips might possibly approximate that flavor. But I don’t know. Seems like a stretch. If I tasted one of these without knowing what it was, I’d have no idea what I was eating.

Quite unexpectedly, the boldest flavor comes from the actual chip. It is a very strong corn chip and easily dominates the mystery sweetness after only a couple of crunches. The alleged ebi mayo flavor completely disappears.

Finally, the smell. The smell! Shrimp Mayonnaise Pizza Doritos smell exactly like fish food. They don’t smell like fish. Or shrimp. Or the sea. They smell EXACTLY like fish food. Not appetizing to say the least.

I bought these for novelty alone, so I guess I can’t complain too much. I mean, really, a Shrimp Mayonnaise Pizza Dorito? How could that even exist? That’s like something from a Stephen King novel.

Maybe if they were more seasoned or the corn chip was turned down a bit, I’d like them a little more. They’re edible. I like them a little more each time I have some. But they’d never break into anyone’s regular rotation. Unless, of course, we assume you really love ebi mayo, and that these chips actually do taste like that flavor. But that’s a lot of assumptions. And you know what happens when you assume? You get a bag of human-sized fish food flakes and Uma Thurman.