Book 1: The Rage of El Woolio

Book 2: If It Bleeds...

Book 3: I'm Really Feeling the Storm

Book 4: Sadness: The Final Emotion

Book 5: Basically, The Invasion Angle Done Right

Mr. McMuscles Vs Takahata101

Cactus Pat Vs Plague of Gripes

El Woolio Vs Brennan Williams

Uncenable Vs Cranky Construct

Book 6: Push Evillak For SummerSlam

ending

Book 7 (DLC): Kaijufest 2016

La Fin



The Best Friends Conquer Omikron.

Our story begins on the firstof March, four weeks away from, the biggest event of the year. El Woolio is backstage, preparing for his match. He realises that he has left his lucky Hulk doll in the locker room. Before every match, as part of his usual ritual, Woolie rubs the doll for luck, and it rarely does him wrong. He heads back to the locker room to pick it up. However, as he enters, he discovers the doll has been shattered to pieces, broken completely beyond repair. Distraught, Woolie cannot compete in his match, prompting a quick replacement.Every night for the next week, Woolie is plagued with nightmares. He is in a black void. The only other entity present with him in this void is the Hulk doll. "Woolie... Why didn't you save me, Woolie?" it asks. He reaches out, but it quickly fades away like Inafune. Woolie swears to avenge the Hulk doll.On week two's episode of, Woolie is on the warpath. He storms around backstage, beating down scrubs, demanding answers. Eventually, he is called to the ring by the one claiming to be the culprit: Rage. Woolie confronts Rage and is easily defeated. Rage tells Woolie he'll be waiting for him at. Defeated, Woolie returns backstage. Rising Superstar Uncenable approaches and Woolie confides that he can't defeat Rage and that the Hulk doll will forever go unavenged.Uncenable takes Woolie to a local gym, bangs on a bit of Mick Gordon and Woolie is inspired by the story of his hero, TJ Combo, to build himself back up from nothing. Woolie trains tirelessly until the fourth Fisticuffs, the final episode beforethat Sunday. He returns to the show and easily dispatches one of Rage's minions. Mr. McMuscles, C.E.O. of the Zaibatsu Wrestling Federation, approaches the ring with contracts, which the two ebony goliaths sign, locking down their match at the pay-per-view.And so, having a firm grasp of hype culture, Mr. McMuscles moves the title match up to allow the El Woolio vs Rage grudge match to headline. The match is intense, vicious, brutal. Woolie is pushed to his absolute limits, but somehow, someway, he manages to pull through and gets the three count on Rage, to the thunderous elation of the Montreal crowd. And thus, Woolie is able to lay the Hulk doll's restless spirit to rest.One would think our tale ends here, but there is one thing that remains to be explained.did Rage take the time to sneak into the locker room and destroy a toy? Why would he dedicate a whole month of his existence to targeting Woolie?You see, dear reader, Rage is not a man - he is a force of nature; a malevolent, ephemeral entity not bound to a single body. Rage's current body was at the end of its tenure and he was in desperate need of a replacement. This was where Woolie came in. Rage saw the potential in Woolie. This is why he did what he did. He aimed to fill Woolie's heart with both hate and a drive to improve. To achieve retribution, Woolie pushed himself beyond any limit Rage's current host possessed. As his body lay broken in the ring, the Rage of Africa transferred his essence into Woolie's body. With the soul transfer complete, Rage takes full control and transforms Woolie into his final, terrifying form:Now the host of Rage's spirit, Woolie aims to find a worthy opponent to challenge him. His first order is to kick in the door of Mr. McMuscles' office and threaten to eternally imprison the super awesome Mrs. McMuscles within the dark dimension known only as the Woolie Hole if he does not agree to his demands. Woolie's sole demand? For the ZWF to host a tournament at that month's pay-per-view - a tournament now discarded from the PPV lineup:. Mr. McMuscles has no choice but to acquiesce to Woolie's demands.In the lead-up to the tournament, a number of qualifying matches are held across the numerousepisodes to determine the eight combatants who will compete in the tournament proper. Two notable events take place during this time:First is the return of a legend of the ZWF: the enigmatic Punishment, a mythical figure who appears only when he is needed. His identity remains a mystery, though many suspect him to be Mr. McMuscles' personal bodyguard. A warrior of mythical proportions, he qualifies with no problem.The second event occurs during the second week. After utterly destroying an opponent and qualifying for the tournament, Woolie is approached by Jerry the Predator, his tag partner with whom he formed. Jerry tries to get through to Woolie, but his efforts prove fruitless. He then challenges Woolie to a match, which results in Jerry being savagely beaten and ultimately, killed.Seeing the carnage and remembering the times he had worked with Jerry in the past against Corrupted Shinnok and the Alien menace, retired superstar Maximilian declares his entrance into the tournament to avenge his fallen friend, like Johnny Cage in the Mortal Kombat movie.Maximilian was once one of the most prolific superstars of the ZWF, having helped Mr. McMuscles clean up the mean streets of Montreal during the latter's brief political career. He was crowned champion in the previoustournament. However, his hubris lead to his downfall as he became a dark, twisted version of his former self; a Scrublord. He was eventually restored to his old self by his treasured friends following a savage battle with Mr. McMuscles. Max's guilt over the incident lead to his retirement from competition, and the wounds Mr. McMuscles received in the battle forced him to retire as well. Despite these events and the fear that he may once again become twisted into a vile Scrublord, Max cannot stand for the injustice Woolie has committed, and vows to see him defeated, even if he must lose himself to the Dark Hadou to do so.Mr. McMuscles arranges a training camp for the competitors aside from Woolie, adamant that the Super Predator must not win the tournament, else he gain ultimate power and merge the Earthrealm with the Woolie Hole. In the end, they can only hope one of the seven can emerge victorious. Each competitor vows to give it their all to ensure the best man goes through and defeats Woolie.The eight competitors in the tournament are as follows:Woolie, Maximilian, The Punishment, Cactus Pat, Uncenable, Kenny, Agent Francis York Morgan, and Zubaz.Warren is later found murdered in the locker room. The security footage shows no one else in the room when Warren receives a vicious FU from the invisible assailant. Reptile is forced to flee as he is believed to be the only person the security cameras cannot see.Everything comes to a head at the pay-per-view at the end of the month. Woolie proceeds almost unmatched, utterly annihilating York in the first round, and The Baz in the second. As Max and Punishment prepare to face off in the second semi-final match, Woolie realises that the planets are now perfectly aligned for his dark plan, and he intrudes on the match, jump-starting the final match as a two-on-one - Maximilian and Punishment, the new, vs Woolie, theThe battle is intense. Max is forced to unleash his ultimate power: Benny leaps into the ring and fuses with Max, transforming into Maximilian von Bennywulf (picture Max's Benny customisation for Sabrewolf). Even with this added power, Woolie is still too powerful. Punishment takes a mortal blow for Max, giving Max the adrenaline, anger and sheer determination to perform a top-tier ultra combo on Woolie, expelling Rage's essence from his body and scattering it to the winds.In the confusion, Punishment disappears, presumably to heal through the Punishsleep. Max is hailed as a hero, but returns to the position of announcing, as Takahata had filled in for him on commentary and his shit-spewing had become canon. Woolie, meanwhile, mourns the death of his friend and tag partner.Enraged by his defeat at Woolie's hands, Zubaz assembles a new stable to seek revenge, despite everyone knowing Woolie was not at fault.makes its presence known by assaulting Woolie in the hospital while he recovers from the injuries he sustained atHearing of this, Uncenable forms his own team,, to defend Woolie and defeat the Storm Feelers. He recruits Cactus Pat, Plague of Gripes and CrankyConstruct to face the threat of Zubaz, Fembaz, Bless and Kenny.The two teams clash multiple times before Baz recruits Jake Conway, turning the tide of the conflict with his rampant dry-humping and giant hands. During a four-on-four No-DQ tag match on the fourth week, FemBaz interferes and all five Storm Feelers beat down the Best Friends. Suddenly, El Woolio's entrance music hits, but he himself is nowhere to be seen on the ramp. Instead, he emerges from a hole in the centre of the ring, crawling out of the Woolie Hole to strike back against The Baz and prove his innocence, because beating the Baz will do that, apparently.The ten competitors face off in a hell in a cell match at that month's pay-per-view,. During the match, the Best Friends struggle to battle FemBaz as their mild-mannered Canadian lifestyle has taught them never to strike a lady. ...Except Plague, who slaps her shit in. Jake saves FemBaz from the scary man from the woods, only to then be brained with a pipe wrench by her when he attempts to perform sex at her. Fembaz disappears into the night.Cactus Pat forces Kenny to confront the sins (and failures) of his past, causing him to break down in tears. Max feels sympathy upon hearing of Kenny's predicament, but upon learning it is not his close friend Kenny, but Kenny from the Walking Dead, he promptly ceases giving a shit. Bless is eliminated when Cranky's animal costume makes Bless think he's high again, and he leaves to sober up for good.In the end, Zubaz taps to Woolie's new Dread Lock Hold (strangulation with his dreads). Woolie sees the force ghosts of Jerry and the Hulk doll, who nod in his direction before once more fading away. Baz is then arrested on an assault charge, which was held off until the completion of the much more significant feud. He is sentenced to twenty years in the Konami Slave Pits. Kojima vows to ask Baz if he liked it once his sentence is up.Observing the power vaccum left by Zubaz, David Cage attempts to form his own faction to seize control. He forms a pact with the dark lord Evillak, who desires the remains of Rage's essence so he can seize the Kamidogu.Woolie leaves on vacation to fully recuperate after the shitstorm he's been through. Cage recruits The Shockmaster, Tour Guide Nixon and Hot Dog Man into his faction, the. E.M.O.T.I.O.N. assaults various superstars backstage and during matches, leading to the incapacitating injuries of Francis York Morgan, Tiger Millionaire and Gorilla Munch. York is the only one anyone cares about, leading to Cactus Pat swearing to avenge him and defeat Cage.Pat calls in Uncenable, York's adorable tag partner and fellow former tag team champion Zach McMuscles, and Cranky. Plague is said to be too busy farming crops on his creepy RE4 farm to get involved.In the third week, a time portal opens and a cyborg Pat from the future, known as Patron 4000, arrives to warn of Cage's true master, whose powers will convince the world that Cage is a genius game designer, funding his next project and creating the darkest timeline. He is swiftly defeated by the Shockmaster's secret electric powers. Cranky's outfit is revealed to be insulated, making him immune to the Shockmaster's powers, allowing him to defeat him. Cage begins recruiting new followers through the use of his master's dark powers.On week four, Zach is assaulted backstage by Tour Guide Nixon, prompting Mr. McMuscles himself to explosively enter the fray, in spite of his recent skiing injury that occurred conveniently around the same time Punishment was injured. He reveals himself to have been wearing a fat suit to keep up the facade of a has-been while secretly maintaining the physique of a Greek God. He finds Nixon and destroys him with his patented Skullovania finisher. Mr. McMuscles officially joins Pat's team for the newly cemented match at the pay-per-view two days later.Cage uses the dark arts to "convince" the board of directors of his great ideas, prompting the PPV to be rebranded as, a convention dedicated to Cage's perfect work of art. The match features Mr. McMuscles, Cactus Pat, Uncenable and Cranky against David Cage, Hot Dog Man, and Fem Baz and Kenny, both of whom have been brainwashed by Cage's black magic to believe in his cause.The Omikron theme of love is played for the duration of the main event as Mr. McMuscles battles Cage atop the steel cage. Cage uses his master's power to copy his opponent's physique, declaring, "Nano-Emotions, son!" Their battle is as manly as JoJo.Pat battles ferociously, destroying Hot Dog Man with ease. His comrades tell him to go on ahead while they deal with the brainwashed duo. Pat climbs the cell, mashing X as hard as he can, while a splitscreen shows the epic duel occurring at the top.Pat joins Mr. McMuscles against Cage in the final battle. Together, thestable emerges victorious when Pat tackles Cage off the cage, right through the announce table, breaking Cage in half and averting the worst timeline.Pat is rushed to the hospital, while Mr. McMuscles works to undo Cage's dark magic. Cage is forced to suffer through Omikron himself for the first time. He complains upon being killed that "game over is a failure of game design". Upon being reminded that he designed Omikron, the shock of his hypocrisy renders Cage comatose.Mr. McMuscles calls Woolie to ask him to return, knowing he'll need the power of El Woolio by his side to face the coming threat.But fuck that noise, a new faction arrives to take control of the Federation.consists of mercenaries and free agents, lead by Takahata101 of thePMC, and featuring legendary superstar Brennan Williams, and the dirtbag turncoats Cranky and Plague. Taka lays claim to the ZWF for the TFS Empire, enraging Mr. McMuscles enough to make him break his phone with his grip.The Ustabiaz make a name for themselves by calling out the ZWF's top tier superstars. Woolie, still packing for his return, sees Brennan on TV and is crippled by inadequacy. Pat and Uncenable enter the ring and are soundly defeated by Cranky and Plague. The latter two explain that they're tired of not being given the spotlight and, thus, desire to replace Pat and Uncenable when Taka takes over the company.The Ustabiaz (intentionally mispronounced as the Usta-bays by their huge female fan following) quickly become fan favourites in the ZWF, making the prospect of facing them again even more bleak for our heroes. Luckily, week two sees Mr. McMuscles giving an epic inspirational speech to Pat and Uncenable before their match, in which they promptly get their shit pushed in.Morale is low at the ZWF as various members of the roster defect to the Ustabaiz, leaving only the core three, Zach, Agent Francis York Morgan, Max and interviewer Hitomi J-Cup. Even co-commentator Super Bunnyhop defects due to frustration over the constant accusations of him practising the ancient tradition of blackface.By week three, it becomes clear that the Ustabiaz has the crowd on their side for the upcoming match at the pay-per-view, whose name was voted for by fans:. During the tag match between Pat & Uncenable and Cranky & Plague, in which the Ustabiaz are dominating, the lights go out suddenly. When they return, El Woolio is standing in the middle of the ring. He easy dispatches the Ustabiaz competitors and forces them to flee.Woolie explains that he spent some time learning to harness the power Rage used after the soul transfer, and spends the next week teaching the other three how to do the same. Neither team competes in week four, but training montages are shown with DBZ music for the Ustabaiz and Mick Gordon for the Zaibatsu.The PPV arrives and the two teams enter the ring. Being a tornado tag (a misnomer, as the match involves no actual tagging, nor tornadoes), all eight competitors pair up and duke it out:The battle is gruelling, but all four members of the Zaibatsu faction are able to overcome their opponents. Mr. McMuscles offers Takahata a hand, which he takes. The latter then explains that the entire incident was part of the Z3 plan: an orchestrated recreation of thearc to test whether or not the Zaibatsu are ready to face the threat to come.Mr. McMuscles takes centre stage on the firstepisode of August to call Evillak out for the final confrontation. He even loops a clip of Pat asking, "Why are you such a coward, Evillak?"Suddenly, Ric Flair, the ancient Babylonian necromancer and herald of Evillak, arrives to announce his master having acquired a host body using the remaining essence of Rage to power the spell. He explains that Evillak will have taken over his host in just four weeks, conveniently just in time for the next PPV. Evillak challenges the mortals to choose their champions to test their might against Ric Flair and his three horrid experiments: Hot Dog Man, Suckles J. Fuckles and Big the Cat.With the power of Evillak, the Zaibatsu forces are easily bested, rendering the entire previous arc pointless. Mr. McMuscles leaves the company in his wife's hands while he leads his team on a vision quest to unlock their full potential with assistance from the wise hermit, Geoff Thew. He teaches the Zaibatsu to harness a special power known only as "stands".SummerSlam opens with Evillak's faction of demonic minions and corrupted heroes facing off with the rest of the ZWF roster. Mr. McMuscles delivers an epic speech to his team and says, "If we're gonna win this battle, there can be no more secrets between us." He rips off his suit to reveal the wrestling attire of The Punishment beneath. Additionally, Mrs. McMuscles, previously sent away by her husbando for her own protection, proves herself the best waifu by returning with a matching costume under the name "Pun-Pun Kill-Chan". She leads theand attends ringside and stops anyone from interfering by shooting people with her Red 9.The final match, naturally, is the climax with the now swole Zaibatsu entering the ring to face Evillak's faction. Ric Flair reveals the new host of Evillak: Reptile. Reptillak takes his Kahn seat overlooking the match and reveals that his champions have also unlocked the power of stands. Please note, I've never actually watched JoJo, so I'm probably misrepresenting the concept of stands but fuck it.Each warrior summons his stand and they pair off to do battle. Mr. McMuscles unleashes his stand,, allowing him to "cut [his] life in two pieces", becoming two separate entities: Mr. McMuscles and Punishment. Ric Flair harnesses the power of fellow dark lord,, to attack with vicious bites that inflict various status effects.Pat's stand,, (represented as Pat as Raiden) sends him into a maniacal state of insanity with a red aura. Suckles wields the power of, which is a larger, more muscular version of his upper body designed to crush his enemies.El Woolio wields, who carries a jukebox that plays hype music to empower its user. Big's stand is, which is a massive version of his pet frog with the power to make people slow and tired, because obviously, right?Uncenable's stand is, which grants him the ability to produce holograms of himself, as well as to control the digital space. Hot Dog Man's stand is, harnessing the power of the chocolate starfish and the hot dog-flavoured water.Mr. McMuscles and The Punishment fight in perfect synchronicity against Ric Flair, performing a variety of tag moves that would have easily reduced Flair's 3000 year old bones to dust, were it not for the black magic Evillak performed to grant him power. Ozzy manages to bite into Punishment's head to inflict poison, but Punishment was trained as a skeleton warrior, making him immune to toxic. Mr. McMuscles lifts Punishment with one hand and Punishment curls up into a ball. Mr. McMuscles throws Punishment like a baseball, showcasing their ultimate tag move:. The move blasts through Ozzy and strikes Flair, stripping him of his magical protection and reducing him to dust.Suckles is repeatedly dodged by Pat, who performs a taunt, which leaves Suckles in the butthurt state. He attempts to crush Pat with his stand's massive arm, only for Pat to enterand block the strike with both hands. He then throws Suckles' arm off of him, grabs it and swings him into the air. He follows up with some air teleports, dodge cancels and a just evade before finishing Suckles with a parry into dive kick, forcing Suckles all the way back to the ground and through the announce table, splitting him wide open.Mick Gordon plays Orchid's theme, augmenting Woolie's speed. He easily outmanoeuvres Big and keeps moving despite the latter's attempts to put him to sleep. He gets in close and switches to Shadow Jago's theme, allowing him to harness the remaining essence of Rage and become a Shadow Lord. With his ultimate killer instinct unleashed like Necali in V-Trigger, Big is soon eviscerated with an ultra.Uncenable's hologram doubles give Hot Dog Man and Fred Durst some trouble, despite the sheer amount of chocolate starfishes and hot dog-flavoured water balls they throw at him. Hot Dog Man slips on the water around the area and falls flat on his face. Uncenable pulls off a ridiculous Naruto-esque tactic of sending a hologram to perform a body slam from the top rope, while secretly hiding inside said hologram to confuse Hot Dog Man and get in a devastating blow.With all of his minions defeated, Reptillak stands before the four warriors and challenges them, revealing the dark truth: that Evillak is actually a mere stand with the power of possession. The stand user controlling the demon is... David Cage. Does this make any sense? Does this match up at all with what was previously established? Does this feel like anything other than a cheap twist that is impossible for the audience to predict? The answer to these questions is: welcome to Cage's world, bitch.Cage unleashes his ultimate power,, which is his method of subliminally brainwashing people into believing his work is genius and worshipping him as a god. The Zaibatsu heroes are brought to their knees, slowly succumbing to Cage's incredible power, when suddenly, Mrs. McMuscles activates the titantron, playing the love theme from Omikron.The remembrance of the dark times, snaps our heroes out of their funk and grants them to strength of will to resist Cage's power and rise to their feet. Cage then attempts to kill them with force lightning, only for them to no-sell it harder than Konami no-sells criticism. Backed into a literal corner of the ring, Cage resorts to his final gambit: having Evillak transform Reptile's body into that of the real Evillak. Cage buys his stand time to do this by unveiling the portfolios of childhood pictures he has of the heroes, stunlocking them until the transformation is complete.That done, Cage declares, "I will enjoy seeing your emotions play out with more polys in my next game. But for now, your must face... EVILLAAAAAAK!" He then flees to the backstage area. Uncenable tells the others to go while he holds off Evillak, promising Reptile's tag partner, Pat, that he will save his friend. The other three chase Cage down to Mr. McMuscles' office, where he transforms the room into a creepy sex dungeon with Fembaz strapped to a gurney for the sake of "art".Cage's power only grows as more people around the world fall under his influence and believe he has talent as a game designer. With this power, he transforms the three heroes into Omikron PD officers and disables their stands. He prepares to beat them into submission, only for the three to throw off the shitty ginger wigs he put on them and go to town on him. With a left hook from Pat, a double axe-handle from Woolie and an uppercut from Mr. McMuscles, David Cage is finally defeated.Back in the ring, Uncenable takes advantage of Evillak's weakened power from its master's defeat to rip its soul from Reptile's body and save him. Evillak makes one final attempt to destroy Uncenable, only for it to be destroyed by a bolt of lightning from Zubaz as he enters from the crowd. And as we all know, any crime can be forgiven, even if the person doesn't deserve it, making Zubaz one of the boys. Anime was a mistake.With the world saved, each hero receives his ownreward.Mr. and Mrs. McMuscles take a leave of absence from the company to go on vacation. Legends of a duo of skeleton warriors destroying street gangs across the nation become widespread. Zach is left in charge for the duration, almost tanking the company by investing heavily in kickstarter litterboxes.Pat and Reptile compete for the tag team championship now that the Dreadators no longer hold the titles. They face off in the end with Cranky and Plague. The outcome is a tale to be told another day.Hitomi J-Cup offers to cut her hair and have a threesome with Woolie and Fembaz, but he turns them down to play Mahvel.Uncenable comes under investigation for the murder of Warren earlier in the year. However, the police are unable to find Uncenable as he simply shakes his hand and disappears from view. He drops the Uncenable identity and forges a new one by facing down a horde of screeching harpies known only as fangirls. He later "debuts" in the ZWF under the name Liam-senpai.Zubaz invites other superstars around for tea, which they accept happily. Eventually, Pat gets sick of this shit and puts Baz through a table, declaring how bullshit the whole scenario is.Max moves on to start up a new division of the ZWF - thebrand - intended to train a new generation of upcoming superstars such as Doctor Doom, Unruly and Steve. This leads to a strengthening of the tag division with Unruly allying with Woolie to honour their mutual friend Jerry as the, and Benny joining Zach as the teamTakahata begins a film career when Mahvel Entertainment hires him to replace Tom Hiddleston once he retires from playing Loki. The subsequent Thor movies receive four out of five stars.Bunnyhop remains Bunnyhop.Upon returning to find his company in shambles, Mr. McMuscles decides to remedy the situation by selling out super hard and announcing a bonus PPV called Kaijufest, an event where every competitor must dress as a giant monster or robot, and battle in a ring filled with miniature buildings.Mr. McMuscles attends in the costume used in the original Godzilla movie. He is hardcore enough to remain competitive in the suit despite how hot and cumbersome it is. He's just that goddamn manly.Pat's costume is a Gamera-like turtle so he can hide in his shell like a big coward.El Woolio competes as a giant Jerry the Predator; an allegory for the large place his fallen friend holds in our hearts. Also because he wouldn't have to cut his dreads for this one.Liam's costume is a mutant lima bean. When asked for an explanation, he gives a handsome smile that has much the same effect as the memory eraser from Men in Black.Max needs no costume as he can merge with Benny to become Maximilian von Bennywulf.Bunnyhop is forced to commentate in a full bunny mascot suit. He is reluctant, but thankful his costume isn't just blackface.The event is a great success, but Mr. McMuscles blows all the revenue on Godzilla dolls, forcing him to come up with another get-rich-quick scheme to save the company.