The various commanders of RUBES stood around a large table with a map of the planet. The borders of the former ship nations were drawn in dotted lines, with the current meme ships colored solid with easily erasable chalk. RUBES members had a second outline in red, while hostile ships had black. There were also the usual game pieces representing armies. It was complex and confusing.

"The ruins of the Anomaly Portal Connection Machine are in No Man's Land," said Peter s. Nachbar, founder and leader of RUBES. "But this wasteland is surrounded by hostile ships such as Very Useful Lesbian. It will take some time to break through their ranks."

Jannis cracked his knuckles. "Ray of Sunshine will do whatever it takes to defeat those incest-worshipping heretics. We will have a new batch of tanks ready soon, then we will crush them. Literally!"

"Do we have to?" Rowing asked. "They don't focus on that part, it's just meant to be all-inclusive. They worship the same goddesses you do. In this time of chaos and bloodshed we should try to make friends and not enemies."

"Listen here, you," Jannis replied, flipping his long, white hair out of his face and pointing his finger, "Give incestous ships a centimeter and they'll take a light year. You wouldn't believe the damage they've caused in the past. If they haven't taken over VUL yet, they will by the time we reach them."

"That's awfully cynical, don't you think?"

"I've been around longer than you," said Jannis. "It comes with experience."

Link nodded, his face concealed by a gas mask. He sided with Jannis, but he dare not speak up lest he be recognized.

Alfonse spoke up. "Can't we just all get along?"

"We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it," said Peter. "For now, let's just focus on who stands in our way first."

The door burst open, and MacGregor walked in, panting. He was covered in dirt and soot, and his clothes were singed. A near identical female counterpart walked in after.

"MacGregor Rose and Rose MacGregor," said Nitesco. "Glad you made it. How is it out there?"

"The line's stalled for over a hundred miles," said MacGregor. "Ray of Sunshine and Guns N' Roses are stuck in a stalemate with Remnant Orgy. The charge failed, it turned into such a bloodbath that the survivors dug themselves into another trench network."

Austin put his face in his hands. "Ugh, that's no good."

Armory walked in next. He was accompanied by a very nondescript man, but he himself was covered head to toe in soot and ash. He slammed the door behind him. "You will not BELIEVE what I've been through today!"

Actually, why don't we just show you?

Flashback:

The landscape was gray and brown, devoid of the life and greenery that was there only a month ago. Shells and bullets whizzed overhead. Sometimes it would stay quiet for hours, other times it seemed the whole world was filled with explosions and incomprehensible shouts.

Armory, MacGregor, Rosey, and Nobody Owens were walking through a trench along the Ray of Sunshine lines.

"Remind me who you are?" Rosey asked Nobody. "And why we should care?" Armory added. MacGregor elbowed him.

"I'm a neutral party who deals in information," said Nobody. "I believe the best outcome can only happen if all parties have accurate knowledge. Many of the worst disasters happen as a result of misinformation."

"Sounds reasonable enough," said MacGregor. "You can't go wrong with wanting to be objective."

Armory shuddered. "Oh yes you can! I met this total nutcase the other day. Bombs random targets every day in the name of being 'objective.'"

"Oh, you mean Exspiro," said Nobody. "He's a strange fellow, but he's coming from the right place. We should go visit him."

Armory moaned. "Oh, gods, no."

"What's the harm?" MacGregor asked. "He might know something, or maybe we can get him to join RUBES. Lead the way, Owens."

Armory tried to turn the other direction, but McGregor and Rosey grabbed his arms. "It's too dangerous to go alone," said Rosey.

Much dragging later

"What brings you to my fine establishment?" Exspiro asked.

"We're on our way to a RUBES meeting," said Nobody. "I wish everyone to have as much accurate information as possible, so we decided to stop by."

"Well, most of us did," said MacGregor, as Armory continued to struggle against his and Rosey's grip.

"So what information do you have?" Exspiro asked. "I usually get all I need to know from my dice."

Armory groaned. "I told you this was a waste of time."

"Don't mind him," said Nobody. "I have up to date maps on all the battlefields, as well as reports on the other front at r/ArkosForever. I'm also wondering if you've learned anything." He handed Exspiro a map.

"The map will be useful," said Exspiro, "but I don't really care about the other front, it's beyond my reach. All I care for is being objective. Unfortunately, I don't get much information down here."

"Would you like to join RUBES?" MacGregor asked. "We're an organization dedicated to uniting the Rubyland and rebuilding-"

"No," said Exspiro. "As I've already told your friends, that wouldn't be very objective. I must not take sides."

"We don't have any reason to stay, then," said Armory. "We should leave."

"For once, he's right," said Rosey.

"Very well," said Nobody. "We'd best be on our way. It was nice to see you."

"Wait," said Exspiro. "It's about time for me to fire the cannon. Down here is the safest place. I must kick myself for not being completely objective, but it would be wrong for me to accidentally blow up my guests right after they leave."

"Thank you," said Rosey. Nobody, MacGregor, and even Armory followed suit, though for the last one it seemed the effort might kill him.

"This should actually be interesting to watch," said MacGregor.

"First, I have to pick out my target," said Exspiro, and pulled out a pair of dice. Armory facepalmed.

Exspiro rolled them across his map table, but his grin turned to horror when he saw what numbers he'd rolled.

"Oh no. This has never happened before, what am I to do? Do I dare defy my Goddess? But no matter what I do, it will go against her! What cruel circumstance of dilemma…" He sank to his knees, his hands pulling on his unkempt hair.

"We're well past the point of saying this," said Armory, "but I'll say it anyway. You're not making sense."

"Through the dice, fate has told me to eliminate Objectivity," said Exspiro, beginning to sob. "I don't want to, but I dare not disobey."

That took a moment to register, but when it did, all of the visitors eyes opened.

"WHAT?!" they shouted simultaneously.

"And to think I had actually forced myself to apologise," said Armory. "You can blow yourself up if you want, but I'm getting out of here!"

He ran out of the room and down the stairwell into the library. The others didn't try to stop him this time.

"You don't have to do this," said MacGregor. "Just reroll the dice and pretend this never happened."

"I cannot," said Exspiro. "What's the point in rolling dice if we keep redoing it until we get the outcome we want? Defeats the purpose." He went to get a shell to load the cannon.

"We'd better get out of here," said Nobody. They left the room above the library and headed for the exit.

Please don't make us describe the library again, we're already late on our deadline. If you forgot then just go reread Chapter 4. It's bad enough that I have to-

Never mind, spoilers.

Armory was far ahead of them, but out of breath. The others were able to catch up soon. They could faintly hear the cannon moving into a vertical position.

"Just a little farther," said Nobody. Just then, they heard an earsplitting explosion.

"The cannon, it's already fired!" cried Rosey.

Armory found new wind and bolted once more towards the exit, with the others close behind.

Several seconds later, there was another deafening explosion from above the library. Several large chunks fell from the ceiling and the vast room shook, but otherwise the library was intact.

"That was anticlimactic," said Armory.

Smoke began pouring from the room upstairs.

"No, not the ammo!" they heard Esxpiro's voice shout. "No- AAGGHHHH! My objectivityyyyy!"

There was a bright flash of light and a terrible shockwave that blew Armory, MacGregor, Rosey, and Nobody off their feet. When they found their bearings aain, the whole room was filled with flames.

Despite their heads pounding, they forced themselves up and started running for the exit again.

"What a waste, all this fanfiction lost," said Nobody.

"It's mostly just Coeur Al'Aran stuff, no great loss," said Armory. "We need to focus on not losing ourselves."

Just then, he tripped on a fallen piece of ceiling and crashed into a bookshelf that was in the final stages of burning. It toppled onto him, covering him in ash and burning coals. He yelped and jumped into the air.

"Watch your step," said Rosey.

"Yeah, thanks for the tip," Armory spat back, trying in vain to brush off all the ash.

"I can't stand this heat much longer," said MacGregor.

"Then let's get out of here!"

A few minutes later, they emerged from the underground broiler and back into the muddy wastelands. The smoldering remains of the cannon lay behind them.

"If the charge had any success," said MacGregor, "We shouldn't have much trouble getting back to Ray of Sunshine headquarters."

Unfortunately, as mentioned before, the charge was not successful. What followed was a long and grueling march through the Ray of Sunshine trenches. MacGregor's status as a general for Guns N' Roses gave them access to all areas, and Venom Ahab gave them an escort, but it didn't make the trenches themselves any more pleasant. Somehow Nobody was able to avoid getting muddy. They also encountered many rats and mice, though some appeared hurt at the disgusted glances they gave them, if such a thing were possible.

Back to the present

"And that's what happened," said Nobody.

"The loss of the library is terrible," said Peter. "We can only hope that other copies of all the books exist elsewhere."

"Most of the best stories should," said Austin. "No one will miss the Coeur stuff though."

"Hey, some people might like it," said Alfonse. "We shouldn't bash other people's preferences, even if we can't fathom them."

"Anyway," said Jannis, "at least that loose cannon's gone, pun intended. We won't have to worry about anyone's forces being shelled at random anymore."

Nachbar spoke up again. "So, back to the logistics of the battlefield…"

Yeah, yeah, boring logistics. Who wants to read that? And more importantly, who wants to WRITE it? Let's get to the interesting stuff!

Generix, Numbers, and Metas M. Petivero stood at the top of a hill, looking down on the battlefield, with several hundred barrels and a contingent of soldiers next to them. The various Bumblebee meme ships were the closest, near several cargo ships as well. But there wasn't anybody far enough away to be safe.

"The so-called heroes are about to smell the stench of defeat," said Generix.

"Today, all who would oppose my Slave Empire on this planet will perish," said Numbers.

"I wish it didn't have to be this way," said Metas. "But I cannot miss this chance to help take down Ray of Sunshine. It's too cautious and limiting. A continuation of the old power structure, lacking in ambition and imagination. The sub deserves better. Nonetheless I do not enjoy such brutal methods."

"Yeah, Yeah," said Generix. "I just want to cause chaos and destruction. I don't care about what you said at all, but I'd be stupid to refuse your help."

"Wind direction is optimal," said Numbers. "It's now or never."

"You heard him," Generix told the soldiers. "Release the gas!"

The masked soldiers uncapped the barrels, and a sickly yellow-green cloud of chlorine gas rose into the air, blowing on the wind to all the meme ship armies and navies below.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA!" Generix laughed as he stood up on a rock, his black trench coat flapping in the wind. "Perish in the breeze, weaklings! Evil will always triumph!"

The horrible cloud washed over the landscape, suffocating soldiers and civilians by the thousands. The Bumblebee ships and many others had no chance to react in time, and perished within minutes. They cried out in pain and despair as the toxic chlorine gas burned their lungs, mouths, and eyes. They hacked out their last breaths and died in contorted positions, their bloodshot eyes fixed wide.

Metas M. Petivero felt sick to his stomach. There must be another way. This is too much, even for me. He snuck away from the others, unnoticed.

Down in the trenches

Corporal Venom Abab of Ray of Sunshine saw the gas approaching, and immediately went into action.

"Gas! Gas! Poison gas is coming! Everyone get your masks on!"

The troops rifled through their packs to get their gas masks. While they knew that a gas attack was theoretically possible given the Anomaly field, they few people thought anyone would be cruel enough to actually do it. Luckily Venom Ahab had enough foresight to know better.

The soldier just barely managed to get their masks on when the sickly yellow-green fog rolled over. They wanted to thank Venom for the warning, but he had already ran off.

Back in the meeting room

"No, we do not need to bring Lewdnep Vasilias here to boost morale," said Peter. "She'd turn this Alliance into an orgy, and we'd be defenceless."

"At least we'd be going out with a bang," said a soldier, "instead of suffering through this nightmare."

"Life's a nightmare for me anyway," said Armory. "And I really don't see the appeal of what yo-"

Venom Ahab burst through the door, wearing a gas mask and shouting "GAS! GAS ATTACK! GET YOUR MASKS ON NOW!"

"What?" Austin asked.

"You heard me! It will be here any second! MASKS ON IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" Venom ran out of the room through another door before anyone had a chance to respond.

Everyone obeyed. They had no confirmation about the urgency of the warning, but they didn't dare chance it. They managed to put their masks on just as the noxious fumes started seeping in.

That day, Generix and Numbers repeated their attack in several other locations. Over a third of the meme ships fell, and all the others suffered at least some damage.

When the RUBES commanders emerged from their headquarters, they found that their faction maps and strategies were already outdated. The whole arrangement of the battlefield had changed. Remnant Orgy was gone, but so were some of their allies. Admiral Eldi, the last survivor of the Mod Council, had died in the fall of the Bumblebee ships.

"At least Remnant Orgy is defeated," Link thought. "Another victory against incest!"

At the Unauthorized Snuggles camp

Numbers and Generix had parted ways, for now. Generix had done a lot of the heavy lifting in their alliance while Numbers and his slave business profited. Now, it was time for him to bring more forces to the table.

"Attention everybody," Numbers called out, standing on a large rock that overlooked the camp. "I'm building a new force, to promote the goddess Blake Belladonna. I can help you conquer the Subreddit, if you'll join me and the other Blake sbips."

"Who are you?" one of the soldiers asked.

"I don't really have a name," Numbers replied. "But you can call me... the Black Sphinx."

"You're asking a lot for someone we haven't met," said another soldier. "How do we know you're the real deal? How do we know we can trust you?"

"Because I spared your camp while I help cleanse the Subreddit to make way for us today. With this."

He threw an empty chlorine gas barrel into the middle of the camp. Everyone gasped, and some tried to flee before they realized the barrel was empty.

"You have our backing, Sphinx. What will this new alliance be called?"

"The Black Order," said Sphinx.

This war is just getting started.