At an unannounced press briefing, acting president Donald Juan Trump called for an immediate ban on guns “until we can figure out what the hell is going on.”

“I counted on many of my hands, and I have the biggest hands, and noticed more innocent Anglo Americans die from lone gunmen than terrorists,” said Trump. “The system is a mess, folks. Congress hasn’t fixed it. We need executive action.”

An executive order was expected to immediately follow, but Paul Ryan had shredded all the Executive Order Paper (EOP) that Eric Trump hadn’t already drawn on.

Stubhill phoned the NRA for comment, but their response was inaudible under the sound of recreational gunfire.

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