Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Walcott, Aguero, Austin, Gundogan

IN (for -12 point hit): Hazard, Kane, Iheanacho, and Can

Fuck. After no hits all year, here we go. Will spend the rest of my Friday mentally preparing for the massive red arrow that will be staring at me on Sunday evening. I’m transferring out a bunch of dead fucks and shitty ass fucks so if there is one weekend to have some luck I need it now. I’m not sure I have ever taken a twelve point hit in my FPL career but Austin’s injury yesterday just pushed me off the deep end. Austin marked the fourth player this year that I have transferred in to have gotten injured in their first game in my side. Beware if you, kind reader, transfer any of the above dickheads in this week. At least one will die. Hello darkness, my old friend.



GK: Fuckford. Save a pen this weekend, please, you ginger cunt.

DEF: I am just a glutton for punishment as I keep starting Holebas. Everton have been ridiculously bad lately but surely will score against a similar team in the form table. Watford have been terrible, but hoping they just tighten up and this game is a borefest. Without Bolasie Everton have even less about them than usual. They will score. Fuck. Clyne and Van Dick rolled out again. Kill for more than 1 combined point from them this weekend. Boro with Gaston and Negredo as doubts should be in theory an easy clean but Soton just rolled out a first team on Thursday night so they could be knackered. Of course VVD keeps scoring in Europe…but no points for Adam. Life. I am completely appalled when I realized Clyne has not had a single assist all year. Fuck him.

MID: A lot of new friends. I hate myself for not doing the Gundogan to Can transfer last week so I’ll go points chasing here. Will end in tears. But, Gundogan seems a dead cert for the bench and is just a massive problem. Have already took a lot of team value hits hanging on to him this long so it feels great to have finally gotten rid. Hazard I am covering myself with. Will set and forget with him for a while and it feels good to have that security blanket back in. Alexis will tit around hopefully he fucks Stoke sideways. I had enough of Walcott. He hasn’t had an actual good game in months by my eye. Finally, Firmino still hangs around. But, I’m getting fed up. Even a double return might not save him from the chop as I am eyeing up some other tasty differentials for his slot next week. We’ll see. Hammers to win 1-0.

FWD: It feels like shit transferring in Kane ahead of such a shitty fixture but whatever. Feels like he’s in every team so whatever he does against United I don’t really care. But get a hat trick you mouth breathing fuckface. Iheanacho I regret already. His record is amazing though when he’s on the pitch he just scores goals. I foresee him playing three of the next four so he’ll need to get me at least 25 points or so to justify this hit…and the likely future hit I will need to take to remove him. Yay. The only person I still love in the world is Dog Face Goblin. Keep titting, you goblin beauty.

Captain: Alexis. Not going for the cocktease with a Chelsea dude for cap this weekend. Sure Arsenal have had their struggles at home this year but when Alexis is on a run of form like this I cannot see past him. Sure he’s been better away than at home but again, with this purple patch and off the back of a ridiculous haul and looking like a beautiful man I don’t want to overthink it and go elsewhere right now. West Brom I still think are one of the very few teams who can park an 8 or 9 man bus and truly frustrate which is what I expect them to do. Feel fine covering myself with Haz and Costa but I’ll go with the explosive one. Stoke have been pretty tidy defensively but they have basically never beaten Arsenal at the Emirates and no Shawcross is pretty huge. Hopefully they roll Stoke over.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: Aguero, Gundo, Austin

IN (for -8 point hit): Kane, Payet, Anichebe

I got on the subway home Thursday, everything was fine, got off the subway and Chaz Austin is off injured / dead / everyone is freaking out. It really sent me into a tailspin. I lost sleep over what to do, no joke.

The guys-I’ve-considered list is pretty infinite as far as Chaz replacements go from the cream of the forward crop in Zlatan, all the way down to Carroll to Shane Long to Anichebe to Defoe to Benteke to Origi to Iheanacho to fucking dickfuck this was a very confusing time for me.

I decided to peg my transfer on whatever midfielder I’m getting in for Gundo. And once I ruled out Carroll up top, that midfielder was Payet who he left me with 5.9 in the bank so there, my decision was made for in the insanely in form stats god, playing Swansea, Vic Anichebe.

Basically what I texted Walsh in the morning was just “have fun” and so I’m following my own advice here.

GK: Joining the Pickfy club this week as Grant is playing Arsenal and my captain (spoiler alert). Pickford with one clean on the year is meh, but he gets decent save points and Moyesy has the Sunderland boys playing better as of late. Go on Jordan.

DEF: Koscielny I’ve been back and forth on for weeks now. He’s bothering me since he is the actual most expensive defender in the game but hasn’t kept a clean in 5 straight GWs. That said I calmed myself when I looked ahead to his fixtures again… There’s no reason to get rid of him for the time being with this on the horizon starting in GW18 (home in caps): WBA, CPL, bou, swa, BUR, WAT. Calm my dill. Next man up Joel my favorite Matip comes back in for me and in for Liverpool. He is absolutely vital for Liverpool I love him so much and missed him dearly last week. He probably won’t keep a clean vs hammers but he’s a shout to get his noggin on a set piece at any point. Finally last and least is Holebas. I echo Walsh’s sentiments, I don’t know, he’s sometimes wingback sometimes fullback, he’s kind of a nightmare. Everton are soooooo shit though and there’s still a small percent chance that Holes can get attacking returns so… Yeah.

MID: New and great friend Dimitri Payet slides into the squad. Very excited about this boy. His stats are insane, as usual, and West Ham are about to be on a ridiculous run of fixtures after Liverpool (which isn’t even that bad of a fixture) in BUR, HUL, swa, lei. I don’t love the fact that he’s like, hanging his head, wants to leave the team, attitude problems etc this year… But it seems to have not effected his play too much, and the goals are imminent! He already is racking up assists and has the most chances created of any player in the game. I’m excited… Sanchez of course ain’t goin no where. He’s a little man with a lotta tits. Fuck fiesta boy…. Siggy kicks off his insane run this week with home Sundy, and I hope he starts it off with a bang. Even though I’m starting Pickford, whatever. And lastly Firmino rounds out the side. A lot of people, I guess including Walsh, are pretty down on Liverpool and Firmino right now. It makes me sad. Home hammers is pretty outstanding and I think he’ll probably bounce right back. He’s blanked for three games on the bounce for the first time in his Klopp / FPL career. Sooooo time to snap out of it Bobby :).

FWD: Costa is the model of consistency and I do not foresee him leaving my squad for a long time. Kane, new boy, welcome. He hasn’t looked great but the returns have been very real. At Old Trafford is annoying this week but home Hull and home Burnley next week has me al dente. It was the obvious move for Aguero. And lastly Victor fucking Anichebe. What the fuck is this hulking actual pile of shit doing in my team again? What am I doing? Maybe I’ve officially lost it. Or maybe being objective and trusting the stats/fixtures is smart to do? Fuck me if I know. GO ON VICTOR!!! If he scores one dong in the next 3 or 4 I’d be pretty happy with him I think. He’s that bad. Ok Let’s do it.

Captain: El Captain ruler of the fuck fiesta sexy Alexi Saaaaaaaaaanchezzzzzzz (in like game show host voice). Fuck were we talking about on the pod not capping Alexis? Alexis is bad at home, who started this narrative? His last home game he braced vs. Bournemouth. Since GW3 Alexi has only blanked in four starts and those were: at Burnley, home Boro, home Spurs, and at Old Trafford. Pretty much makes sense in all of those very difficult to break down defensive fuckfest fixtures. Yes, Stoke have been good, haven’t let up more then 1 goal in a while, but Alexis is the form man in the league and there’s no stopping him in this moment. Have to trust the Chilean for me with 5 dongs and an assist in his last two. Bring home the bacon baby.