To the unseasoned and forgetful grubber water hazards are everywhere at the course known as L’Albatros, and even a decent drive can end up in no man’s land

To begin with, a disclaimer: I’m awful at remembering golf courses. It has become an annual tradition for my dad and I to pick one, often wherever the Open will be held that July, hack our way around and then watch the professionals expose our limitations a few months later. I need to watch with him because, if not, they may as well be playing on the moon.

I won’t have a clue what happened on the 8th green, I won’t remember killing snakes in the rough on the 15th and to my mind there was no shot “sure to bring you out again”. I had, erm, forgotten that when pitching this and some holes at Le Golf National – this year’s course of Ryder Cup choice – blend into one demoralising double bogey. That said, here’s a hazy guide to what you probably won’t see this weekend.

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The course is called L’Albatros – optimistically named for your high-teens handicapper – and has an ocean of water. On the walk from the clubhouse it becomes clear there are not nearly enough balls in your bag and the one with a Ryder Cup emblem you’ve just paid through the roof for is not long for this world. Not the dry part of it anyway.

Some say all good golfers are fighting a hook and on the 1st, alas, the lake is to the left. There’s trouble on the right, too – all bumps and rough – but escape without a splash and it’s on to the 2nd, and more water. Loads of it. It’s the first par three, across the same lake you’ve just avoided/thrashed two into off the tee and another with your approach. It’s a fair old carry for that slightly fat iron you’ve convinced yourself might just be OK. It won’t.

The 3rd is a par five with a troublesome line of trees across the fairway, the 4th is never to be spoken of again and the 5th and sixth are shortish par fours, the latter the easiest on the course. The 7th, however, is a beauty. DO: take something off your tee-shot to finish on top of the hump. DO NOT: hit your first decent drive of the day and end up in no man’s land. Right is out of bounds and left may as well be. Nail it, though, and it’s a lovely second shot downhill.

By now you have one ball left – found when scouring the rough – and after the difficult par-three 8th comes the longest hole on the course, an almighty schlep of a par five. Pass GO and collect another dozen balls – the Ryder Cup one can swivel this time.

The 10th is a short par four with a lake on the left to gleefully accept one of your newly purchased second-hand Srixons while the 11th is a short par three, the 17 index, and a chance to restore some dignity.

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The next has disappeared from memory completely but the 13th is another lovely hole with an approach over water through a narrow gap in the trees. The 14th – The Gut – is a par five notable for an enormous bunker in front of the green and then it’s down to business. The Loop of Doom starts with a par four with Le Lac on the right before an approach to an island green.

Then comes the 16th, a delightful par three, again all across water. The 17th is an uphill slog – the course is built on a rubbish dump and this hole belongs in the bin – but to finish, The Crowd. Left and you’re in the drink, right and it’s bunkers. If you’re fortunate enough to hit a straight tee-shot, taking a breath is advisable. Adrenaline is pumping and there is nothing quite like landing your second on the green and watching it bounce off the back and into water. You’ll hit another couple – you’ve come all this way – and you’ll top those into the lake.

Fortunately, the 19th has its charms.