Dear Missoula, Get Over Your Dogs. Love, Everyone

Missoulians: We get it, your dogs are amazing. Everyone’s dog is soooo amazing. You two are Andre 3000 and Big Boi. In Missoula dogs are golden cows, and it doesn’t even matter if the dog is a kill-shelter “rescue[1]” or carries a bloodline purer than King Joffrey. Dogs are the only protected species in the eyes of this city.

I always thought it was nice ‘all dogs go to heaven’, but I never figured out why they didn’t just come to Missoula. Missoula dog owners treat pets with a level of obvious devotion that sometimes makes their children jealous. It’s totally cool to throw a Lunchables® into your kid’s backpack, and then pivot around to scoop a NASA-engineered meal formulated with free-range chicken and organic steel-cut oats, stone washed with glacier water into a BPA free food bowl. WTF?

I’ve never understood why dogs were so great, so I undertook a serious investigation[2] to figure it out. I discovered the unbreakable bond between man and mutt began thousands of years ago. Today’s dogs came from a prehistoric wolf domestication project pairing Homo Saipan and hound for symbiotic benefit. Dogs give us comfort and camaraderie; In return we give them food and balls to play with[3].

But this research doesn’t explain why Missoula has opened its arms—and dining establishments—so widely to canine culture. What gives, Missoula? I’ve literally seen a dog drop a North Dakota in the middle of Bernice’s Bakery. That’s not cool. Why does Missoula allow pets into its seemingly endless breweries and free-trade coffee depots?

One of the Missoula’s coolest features is the Kim Williams Trail. The trail bisects the town and runs parallel to the beautiful Clark Fork River. All year it flows with people commuting and recreating. The trail is now a Hellmouth of bro tank wearing bros walking their untrained chick-magnets. “Listen Chad, I don’t want your dog jumping at me while I’m chasing my runner’s high.” Oh, right—your dog has NEVER bitten someone. It would NEVER bite. Well, that’s exactly what every dog owner says right before Fido snaps a finger off a neighborhood kid looking for hugs.

And just stop giving everyone a TED Talk about how a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s mouth. Humans don’t eat poop[4]! We brush our teeth and lie to the dentist about flossing habits.

The worst part about dogs is how their owners treat you. It is not enough to just like their dog. You have to LOVE their mutt. Have you ever told a CrossFitter they aren’t doing real pull ups? Or that their performance spandex is just expensive tights? The reaction is worse. If you don’t freak out like Lucille Bluth when someone’s 5-pound Pomeranian enters the room, you might as well be a monster. You might as well be the dentist who killed Cecil the lion.

The psycho-dependence on these animals is so strong that dog lovers are incapable of separation. Snap out of it Missoulians! Your dog will love anyone with a rasher of bacon[5]. Leave the pup at home where it can poop next to your dining area instead of next to mine. These furry and expensive accessories are no longer cute, they are a nuisance. This place has literally gone to the dogs.

[1] Let’s get this straight: Unless you repelled under the cover of night from a Blackhawk, behind enemy lines into an ISIS controlled POW camp, then you didn’t rescue shit. Quit acting like you’re the Tomb Raider of dog rescuers.

[2] Wikipedia.org: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_of_the_domestic_dog

[3] All of this sounds eerily similar to my first relationship

[4] For the most part.

[5] To be fair to dogs, so will I.

Cover image modified from courtesy of Maksim via Wikicommons.

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