Dating is hard, especially when you’re in college. Between the endless amount of work, the house parties you can’t miss and the steady drunken hookup that won’t even treat you to a breakfast at Panera Bread, it’s hard to get someone to commit to a full-on relationship, let alone to keep it going. But every once in a while, the stars align and a dreamboat equipped with good manners and the ability to hold his liquor walks into your life. While it probably won’t last (blame senior year), you remain hopeful going forward.

You met a unicorn — you slept with a super hot f*cking unicorn — and if we learned anything from Harry Potter, it’s that they don’t travel alone.

But then this guy comes along to kill your faith in love, the “good guy” archetype and the belief that attending enough college classes will eventually make you literate.

The following article was sent to our sister site COED.com by a frat boy attending the University of Nevada, Reno. It was so offensive that they refused to publish it, so we here at College Candy took it upon ourselves to rip him a new a**hole by publishing it ourselves. Because when you say things like this:

It all started one of two ways, either you slid into her dm’s when you were hammered or you saw her downtown at a bar and asked for her Snapchat. It then gradually progressed from there with some sloppy drunk sex that then led to more sloppy drunk sex which then led to you buying her Ubers back to your place every weekend. Eventually the unimaginable happened… you guys hung out sober. She started catching the “feels” and you started to view her as an actual person and not just a drunk starfish you were plowing weekend after weekend… At this point its officially over my friend.

You deserve it.

Below, the complete unedited list of dating tips from some sad sucker who thankfully didn’t list his name on the contact sheet. Happy reading!

1. Get to know her past.

Not her deep dark secrets just the simple things like what street she grew up on, the name of her first grade teacher, her pets name, and her mother’s maiden name. Trust me it’ll come in handy later on.

I’m not sure what the f*ck this means, but sure, knowing her mother’s maiden name will make you look like a good listener. We’ll give you this one, but you’re still a prick.

2. Figure out her cycle.

Nothing is worse than having your girlfriend b*tch and moan at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. When a girl starts her period the simplest things like you sneezing or watching a Snapchat out loud make her turn into an insane psycho b*tch. The easiest way to avoid this World War III is to find out which time of the month is hers and then simply AVOID HER FOR THOSE 7 DAYS.

Ah, gotta love a dude’s thoughts on periods. You’re totally right bro, when my boyfriend sneezes while I’m on my period, I turn into f*cking Medusa. How dare he sneeze while I’m bleeding from my uterus! WTF does he think this is?! A space for him to sneeze at his leisure?! No! This is a space for me to be a psycho b*tch while I rage on and on about how much I hate men! Seriously, avoid this time at all costs — you will not make it out alive (especially if you say any of the above diarrhea that came out of this idiot’s mouth).

3. Figure out what alcohol makes her cry vs which makes her naked.

Now I’m not really sure why, but each type of alcohol seems to have a different effect on women. Stereotypically vodka makes them blackout, whiskey makes them go crazy, and tequila makes their clothes fall off. Every girl is different though so it’s your job to figure out which drink has which effect on your girl.

Looks like we have a Brock Turner in the making, ladies. Stand back! Like really, really far back!

4. She can Venmo you after you take her to In-N-Out and it’s okay.

One of the most sexist things in today’s society is that the guy needs to pay for everything. Women constantly talk about how they want equal rights yet they cry whenever you don’t pay for them. 9 times out of 10 in any happy relationship there is an equal amount of spending. Just saying.

This. I love this. Especially because it alleges that women are the epitome of a double standard without alluding to any real knowledge about women’s rights. Wanting the rights to my own body is not the same as you wanting me to pay for my half of a meal.

5. The cheapest dates are the best dates.

I mean is there really any point in spending $50+ on her? You’re still gonna get laid regardless so just take her to dinner at Chipotle or grab a coffee at Starbucks. She’ll still appreciate it and your wallet will still be full.

While I can agree that you don’t have to take someone out on an expensive date in order to impress them, justifying that reasoning with “you’re going to get laid regardless” really ruins the initial point. You look like an a**hole and I can guarantee you that you won’t be getting laid by anyone anytime soon, unless you start sweet-talking that left hand of yours. Good luck!

6. Statistics say that once you’re dating pulling out is way safer than wearing a condom.

I don’t really have anything to say about this one. Its simple, once you’re dating say goodbye to condoms and hello to unprotected fun. It’s science.

Not only does this not make sense, but I find his definition of “science” concerning; musings you have when you’re high don’t constitute as actual facts.

7. It’s okay to pull out only 80% of the time.

If she’s on the pill this number drops to about 50%, but regardless there’s no need to pull out every time. That’s so much energy and in the amount of time that it’s taking you to pull out, you could easily get 3-4 more pumps in. I mean honestly what’s the worst case scenario?

Worst case scenario? That you’ll get her pregnant and she’ll be stuck with you for the rest of her life. Sounds pretty bleak to me.

8. Wait until your senior year.

This one is pretty self explainable. Don’t get tied down too early. 18-21 are your golden years my friend. You should be sticking your steel rod into everything with a vagina and making baby yogurt with a different sorority girl every weekend. College only happens once.

Agreed, college does “only happen once,” so please, don’t waste your time on a guy who uses the term “baby yogurt” seriously.