“I’m going to be honest, I think we might just need to call this one,” says Adam Bishop, in a hushed conversation in the kitchen with his friend and party co-host Shawn Barker. “If I hear one more rant about the Souls Remaster, I’m going to leave. And this is my house.”



The night wasn’t going exactly as planned—and the death of this particular house party was attributed almost entirely to its faux-celebrity guest, Zizzlepass. Also known by his birth name Peter Parham, Zizzlepass is currently the first place holder of the “All Bosses” category of Dark Souls II speedruns. As it turns out, this also appears to be the outer limit of his conversational prowess.



Bishop, who had the lapse of judgment of inviting Parham to a high-stakes freshman year house party, felt the repercussions of his actions as the party started at 6:30 pm on Sunday evening.



“He brought a PS3 and just set up and started playing in the living room,” Bishop claims, hiding as many salty snacks in cabinets as possible as he spoke. “People are trying to dance to my curated playlist of Rise Against and The Killers’ top hits, and he’s just sitting on the ground complaining about how he’s used to playing on PC. I think the girl might have even left. This is a disaster.”



When reached for comment, Parham claimed he was very happy to be invited to his schoolmate’s social gathering, but complained that the music was too loud to pick up on certain in-game audio queues necessary to complete a competitive speedrun. “It was nice to finally talk to somebody about whether the Rapier/Red Iron Twinblade and Drakeblood Greatsword routes would ever be competitive enough to compare to the Dark Rapier/Lightning Red Iron Twinblade meta that’s dominating top three right now,” Parham claimed while holding our interviewer captive through the cruel social contract of conversation.



When asked if there was any chance of recuperating their fragile reputation as college freshman, Bishop and Barker claimed that there was nothing to worry about—they’d invited a few competitive Magic: The Gathering players to their party next weekend, and Sarah is going to be there, so it’s bound to be a hit.

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