This post is rated R. If you can’t handle cussing don’t read further.

I’ll admit, I’m not much a Cat person. Unfortunately the last distillery dog I saw was Cooper at Willett but he was never really their dog and he hasn’t been seen in a few years. Elijah, Woodford Reserve’s former Rodent Terminator went to the big Distillery in the sky and Oscar replaced him. I was recently at Bardstown and was due to go to Willett early the next morning. I had a rough night as the guys I was with had brought a few bottles a piece. It wasn’t going to be easy to get up the next morning. As I drifted off to sleep I was thinking about stopping at the Heaven Hill Visitor Center to see if they had any new bottles for sale.

I went directly to Willett and the first thing I saw when I got to the Distillery was one of the resident cats they got a couple years ago, Noah. It was a rare quiet lull in the Distillery. As I walked around looking for Drew, Noah was laying on its back not looking too good. For a second I thought the cat had joined Elijah but his eyes opened blood shot and glassy. As I bent down to give him a pet I said “you OK little buddy”. He stunk like booze, badly. Sitting under one of the pipes in the distillery was an overflowing bucket with a slow drip going in and immediately over flowing. It smelled like some powerful white dog. Wet cat paw prints trailed right to where Noah had passed out. There’s no nice way to say it so I just will, the cat was shitfaced. Noah awoke and did his best to follow me with his little eyes. He started to hack and hack. I thought it couldn’t breath and I’m thinking, how the hell do you give a cat the Heimlich or CPR? I go over and just as I’m getting ready to pick the cat up, out comes a giant hairball that smelled nasty, like Jefferson’s Ocean. What do you say? I bent over to pet him and it happened—“Taaake your fuking hands offff me you little baaastard”. I look around and no ones there. Then another voice “ Juust pet me an get it over widt you crap eating rug rat”. Shocked, I realize its coming from the cat and I know I’m being pranked by some bad TV show or being videoed by the Bardstown Chapter of the We Hate Lloyd Club. I look for a speaker or something then right out of Noah’s mouth “Puul my tail, gohead puul it and see what happens. Um not in the mood today and Im noot playn. Pull my tail and ill kit your asss.” The cats talking to me and I figure I got to get my iphone out and record this so someone will believe me. I put the phone down on a box and moved it next to Noah that's now laying in a puddle of cat piss (yes, it smelled like Michters new 10 year old). The cat tells me to fuck off. I tell the cat that’s dirty language and children might be around. Again in sort of a drunk meow broken cat English he shouts “I sayd togo fugoff”. So I’m thinking in my best Fred Minnick, I’m going to ask this cat some questions.

Lloyd: Noah, why are you so angry?

Noah: I finally had enough, Liddle shits puling my tail all day. Crappy cheap ass catfood. Rowen keeps getten mice and rats so nouthing fresh nouthing. Som liddle bastard gave me a Jolly Ranncher da uder day and I coudddn get my mouth open fir a wech.

Lloyd: What’s it like being a distillery cat?

Noah: Did I say go fuk yourdelf, go and you noe, do it.

Lloyd: No, really my internet peeps want to know.

Noah: Whadda tink its lyk? All this booze! As far as the eyyyye can ce. I had to go to go to haven hill for meetings ever night night. FAA meetings.

Lloyd: FAA meetings?

Noah: yeh, FAA meeetins.

Lloyd: Like the Airplane people FAA?

Noah: Nooo, Feline Alcoholics Amomymous. Yu noe how long it taaks to walk to Haven Hill from here? Ther cats are all stays and they are such primdonnas. Oooff the wagin, ooff oof, da waggin. No more Haven hot cats.

Lloyd: Huh?

Noah: Haven cats are hot you should see those pus…

Lloyd: stop stop, that’s good. Aren’t you afraid the Kulvseens or a worker will find you like this?

Noah: Fukemmm and you too, now posh me oder to dat bugget and go eeat chit.

Lloyd: Any parting words?

Noah: Yeah, tell dat shit popcile Magliocco to stop bringing his cat here at night.

Lloyd: Maglicoco?

Noah: whatever, bald fuk sneeks here at night taken pictures. Shit stik has a ugly bald cat kepc rubbin up aganst me like it wants sumthin and it’s a guy cat. Keps rubbin………..

Lloyd: Noah, Noah

I push him back over to the puddle. I hear one last mumble sounded like “tell that Kardashian turd to shove the Jolly Rancher in Magycocos eye”. The cat starts snoring and

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep and I look at the alarm clock and its 9am, my head is killing and I jump in the shower.

