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If you go to a regular gym, you know that every piece of machinery has a guide stuck to it, instructions or maybe a helpful diagram. It tells you how to use the equipment, gives you a few warnings and sometimes even tells you what muscles you'll be working out. At Tempest, the "equipment" is stairs, poles, ramps, walls, mats, the floor and your entire body. There are no instructions, it's up to you and you alone to figure out some combination of pipes, trampolines and your arms that somehow results in a rewarding workout experience. And, remember, you don't know how to do that.

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Don't get me wrong. As is the case with most gyms, everyone at Tempest is incredibly helpful, both staff and other gym-goers. They offer classes and will generally be able to answer your questions. The problem is, I don't even know what questions to ask, because I don't speak the same language as people who are really good at parkour and freerunning. They don't understand me when I say I want to "Do the flips," or "Spider-Man some shit," and I don't understand them when their advice to me is "Do it again, but tighter, and with your core." A lot of the skills you need for parkour can't really be taught, especially if you're kind of dumb (me!). I saw a guy run up a wall and do a back flip, and I asked him for tips, and he very helpfully explained, "I put one foot on the wall at first and couldn't do a back flip. But then I put a second foot on the wall, and then I just did the back flip." And, 15 minutes prior, he'd never done that before in his entire life. If your How-To-Do-A-Backflip advice is "Do a back flip," you and I are on different levels, sir. There's nothing you can do to teach me.