I had no idea Louie Gohmert once lived in the Soviet Union. Apparently, during the 1970s, the man headed to the USSR on some form of exchange program -- the details remain murky -- and had a chance to experience all of the lag and stagnation brought through the Brezhnev years. How he kept that secret, I'll never know. Even more remarkably, for those of us who were of the opinion that Gohmert had spent the last four decades of his life without any educational growth or intellectual development, the story he shared last week proved us incorrect. (Unfortunately, it also disproved Mark Twain's thesis that travel is fatal to prejudice, but that's beside the point.)

Appearing on faux historian David Barton's radio show last week, Gohmert revealed some of the lessons he'd picked up during his transits abroad. None centered on the diplomatic or cultural exchanges that one would expect; rather, it seems the lesson that Gohmert found while touring a foreign country is that, ah, well, America needs to get rid of any and all forms of sex education.

Have a listen, courtesy of Right Wing Watch:

Let the kids be innocent. Let them dream. Let them play. Let them enjoy their life. You don't have to force this sexuality stuff into their life at such a point. It was never intended to be that way. They'll find out soon enough And, in fact, ... mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid to unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions. It's just incredible.

Don't ask us to analyze. Don't ask us to follow logical progression or hypocritical insertion. Don't force us to wrack our minds in such a manner. Know only that Gohmert, while examining a nation of universal literacy and racial harmony decades beyond what America had experienced, learned that the Soviet Union's past should dictate America's future. That their system of governance proves kids should learn about sex solely on their own. And that nothing that's never been done "for a pretty long time" should ever be done in our futures. In case you're wondering what's on that list, New York Magazine has you covered.

Of course, Gohmert's week -- mirthfully mocked over at "The Daily Show" -- wouldn't be complete without a bit of poor-bashing. Because the least among us have a penchant for shellfish, it seems that it's been left to Gohmert to point out that a bunch of welfare queens have been sopping up our tax dollars, taking their unearned SNAP benefits and running to their nearest Alaska-connected dealer to land some of the finest crab legs they can find. All while Joe America suffers through the slings of Hard Work and ground beef.

As Gohmert said, "Because [Joe America] does pay income tax, he doesn't get more back than he pays in, he is actually helping pay for king crab legs when he can't pay for them for himself." Selfless, this Joe America. And surely extant.

But that's not all! According to our lithe and limber Gohmert, it appears that a proper barometer for earning food stamps shouldn't be annual income or net worth, but, rather, Body Mass Index:

We don't want anyone to go hungry, and from the amount of obesity in this country by people who we're told do not have enough to eat, it does seem like we could have a debate about this issue without allegations about wanting to slap down or starve children.

Bravo, Gohmert. Nailed this one. Because obesity, as every single study has shown, has a direct correlation with wealth in America.

Don't tell Gohmert that the correlation is negative, though. Wouldn't want to scare him away with Fact and Science. Wouldn't want him to actually have to try to learn anything following his Soviet escapades. And wouldn't, certainly, want to tell him that shellfish consumption is barred by the Bible -- which, come to think of, hasn't actually been around that long, either. Shit. Now I'm confused.