"They all have problems," stated Mr. Van Hatten to The Nutmeg News. "I don't like any of them and no matter who wins, we are likely all going to lose."

With his naievete destroyed after finding out that the Iron Chef secret ingredient is actually not a secret to the chefs involved, Van Hatten lost all ability to argue positively for politics at any level.

"I've positioned myself to be against everything US Soccer because all I have is disgust, these days. I'm pretty certain that no matter what happens we are all going to lose, so bring on the candidates still affiliated with SUM who want to keep the status quo going. Let's ride that train to hell."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Van Hatten tries to nickname each of the USSF Presidential candidates before realizing he really doesn't care about all 8 enough to come up with ones beyond The Deep State, Big Hair and the Egomaniac.