I spent many years working in nursing homes and cancer clinics, and you wouldn’t think those sorts of jobs would make you want to physically beat on your coworkers, but oh how I did want to. Because I swear to God, few things make me feel stabby like hearing someone talk to an elderly or sick person in babytalk. Not only does it simply not help, but it’s rude and disrespectful. And now there has been an actual study done that proves I am right. Via Hot Air Headlines.

Williams, who has more than 20 years of experience as a nurse working with older adults, says that based on this assumption, many hospital and nursing-home caregivers communicate in “elderspeak.” This includes using basic vocabulary and grammar, speaking in a high-pitched or loud voice, sounding overly caring or controlling, and using terms of endearment such as “honey” and “sweetie,” Williams says. “Elderspeak is a kind of talk or communication that is common between younger adults and older adults in a variety of settings,” she says, adding that it’s not too far from “baby talk.” But her latest study, presented Monday at the 2008 Alzheimer’s Association International Conference on Alzheimer’s Disease, shows that this language might have the opposite effect. …When staff members spoke in elderspeak, the residents’ resistance to care nearly doubled compared with when staff spoke normally. Even in silence, dementia patients were more cooperative than when hearing elderspeak.

Hmph. That’s what I thought.

When I first started at the nursing home as a nurse’s aide way back in the day, I was assigned a resident I’ll call Mary who allegedly refused to eat. I remember the nurses telling me she was a real handful, very uncooperative, blah blah, “and good luck trying to get her to eat.” Okay fine.

So the first day, I brought Mary her breakfast and sure enough, she wasn’t too interested. I was sitting with her, trying to figure out how to rectify this situation but not saying much because I just didn’t know what would work, when one of the more obnoxious nurses walked by the room and decided to stop in and show me just how “difficult” Mary was. And it began:

Oh now Maaaarrrrrryy honey, let’s not be hard on the new aide today mmmmkayyyy? Let’s see if we can get you to eeaaatttt something mmkay? Can you be a good girl for us and just eat a bite of your eeeeggggssss?

Of course replete with the high-pitched squeak at the end of each drawn-out word, precisely how you might talk to a 6-month-old.

It was when she said “can you be a good girl” that I started wanting to beat on the nurse. Can you be a good girl? Are you freaking KIDDING me with this shit? Are you really addressing a 90-year-old woman like that?

Mary lived up to the nurse’s low expectations and refused to eat, muttering something about how the food was no good, and the nurse got frustrated and left the room but not without the brilliant advice to me that I shouldn’t “waste my time if Mary’s not going to be helpful.” Oh god GET OUT.

My whole life, I’ve hated that babytalk nonsense, and as soon as I saw it in action like this I figured maybe that’s what Mary’s problem was, maybe she was depressed because she lived in a tiny room with no visitors and everyone talked to her like she was an infant. I knew it might get me fired or at least hated by the nurse if she overheard me but I didn’t care because it seemed to me that Mary eating was more important, so I just flat-out asked Mary: “Does it bother you when people talk to you like that? Because it sure as heck bothers me hearing it.”

Bam. Mary cracked up in giggles and reached over to squeeze my arm and said that yes, as a matter of fact, it pissed her right the hell off. We chatted a little, I told her it was my biggest pet peeve in life, she told me her biggest pet peeve (something to do with Bob Saget), and thus she was cheered up and thus she ate her breakfast but only after making me add extra butter. Pretty simple. Never had any trouble getting her to eat after that. She just wanted some adult human interaction; it helped her appetite.

Anyway. It’s not just old people that so many healthcare workers do this to. When I was up visiting Rupert’s dad in the rehab hospital, they did it to him. One of the recovery room nurses did it to Rupert after his surgery, too. It’s like they see someone in a hospital gown and immediately deduct 30 points off their IQ. Drives me NUTS.

So I am just here to tell you, in case you’re one of the people who talks to patients or the sickly like they’re babies: don’t do that. You sound like an idiot, you aren’t helping, and it’s just plain rude.