Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to prematurely balding men and decided if you can’t beat them, join them! Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post. Here, enjoy some coffee. Oops, you just drank rat poison. I should’ve used different mugs. Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than owning Byron Buxton in the 1st half. Oh, you owned him and that’s why you drank the poison! Now, I’m following! Hey, I’m supposed to be leading! Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2018 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up! But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest! So, as with all of the other 2018 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Jose Ramirez number four on the top 100 list for the second half of 2018 and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with Jo-Ram. Why soil a good thing, ya know? This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Bryce Harper did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because, well, we have to believe in miracles — my 12-year-old self would want that, and to sleep with Cher. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2018. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do. It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone. Welcome to the future! Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2018:

1. Mike Trout – Since your mom is so old she used to gang bang with the Hebrews, why don’t you ask her how reliable Trout is? If you were to ask her, she’d tell you, “Trout is better than that guy you call daddy who is really just someone who offered to pay for your diapers, and, after I went to med school, I was too busy to divorce him. Also, clean up my basement and stop carrying so many starters!” Your mom knows what’s up. Projections: 43/19/51/.318/10 in 241 ABs

2. Mookie Betts – He is above Trout on the rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s pretty monumental. But we’re tearing down monuments and the patriarchy. For now, let’s leave the tools to Jim Bowden and the Property Brothers. Projections: 51/17/48/.312/13 in 244 ABs

3. Francisco Lindor – I debated for longer than I care to admit Lindor or Jo-Ram. Okay, I only debated it for 14 seconds, but it was a long 14 seconds because I was staring at a clock at the DMV. The rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater has neither with a huge edge. But Edge, the wrestler, looked like Jayson Werth and he’s retired, so is that a good thing? Hmm. Meh, they’re obviously close, I went this way because Lindor is a little safer. Their individual projections are crazy close though. Projections: 48/16/41/.290/10 in 255 ABs

4. Jose Ramirez – Like some kind of liberal bed wetter who calls the Washington Redskins the Crabcakes, protests outside the Roy Cohn Community College and writes a strongly worded tweet to Chick-Fil-A for them to change their name to Cisgender-Fil-A, I refused to put two Indians together in the preseason top 20. Who, what, where, when and How! And I don’t care if How is the least bit insulting to Native Americans, we can not let our feelings stop us from espousing the virtues of Jo-Ram. Matter of fact, I e-spoused him after taking an online course to marry people. If you want I can marry you to any player you want, without their consent. Projections: 41/16/47/.293/10 in 249 ABs

5. Trea Turner – I’m gonna start calling him Trea 3000. Explanation: Outkast is better as a whole, this is true. Undeniable. But neither Andre 3000 or Big Boi are guest spotters. They’re legit on their own. This isn’t EPMD trying to be solo artists. Together, Outkast is better, but separate, they’re solid. One is better without the other, Andre 3000. Bryce and Trea are better together, but Trea can stand on his own, due to his speed. Bryce Boi is solid, but Trea 3000 is always money as long as there’s steals. I hope we feel like this forever. Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever. Projections: 56/9/31/.294/23 in 261 ABs

6. Max Scherzer – My 2nd half rankings depart from my 1st half rankings in one major way, I give more credence to top pitchers. A few reasons A) Pitchers get hurt and are risky, but, at this point in the season, we know which pitchers are healthy and pitching well. B) A top pitcher can make a huge difference still, whereas an upside flyer on a pitcher isn’t as valuable, i.e., if your ratios need help, a trade flyer on someone like Jameson Taillon is only going to get you so far, whereas Scherzer can make a difference in the final months. C) There’s no C. Projections: 10-3/2.34/0.90/135 in 111 IP

7. Manny Machado – Reports are saying right now that the Orioles want too much for Machado. Those reports are being leaked to the press by the Dodgers. It goes like this: Orioles to Dodgers, “Can we at least have a middle reliever?” Dodgers meeting Olney in a dark parking lot, “Tell the world the O’s want too much.” Later, the O’s, “Okay, we’ll take a compensation pick. Please anything!” Projections: 45/18/51/.303/5 in 256 ABs

8. Chris Sale – The most hilarious thing (not funny at all) is there’s Red Sawx beat writers talking about what a great job the Sawx are doing limited Sale’s innings. Yeah, he’s on pace for 212 IP instead of 214. Awesome! Projections: 9-2/2.51/0.92/129 in 91 IP

9. Nolan Arenado – Before I write up the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2018, I’m going to rank them on paper. First, I’m going to write all their names on the back of a fortunes from fortune cookies and place them by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!! Projections: 47/18/54/.307/1 in 259 ABs

10. Paul Goldschmidt – Was happy to see he started sleeping in one of those beef jerky dehydrators in June to counterbalance the affects of the humidor. Hope he doesn’t mind if I dehydrate my fruit while he sleeps; I love fruit leather. Projections: 41/16/48/.294/5 in 238 ABs

11. Giancarlo Stanton – I am being aggressive with my 2nd half Giancarlo projections, but he’s just so enticing. *combs wig, places wig on Giancarlo Fathead wall mount* So very, very enticing. Projections: 44/29/62/.262/1 in 261 ABs

12. Bryce Harper – Well, the good news is at his absolute worst, on the Player Rater (what he’s done vs. what he could do), he’s around 50 overall. So, the floor isn’t great, but it’s not that bad. This is obviously a ranking for closer to the ceiling. I do think if he breaks right, he’s the best hitter in the majors. There’s no guarantee of that, obviously. Oh, and, yeah, there was some hedging in this blurb, do you like my topiary? Projections: 41/18/48/.256/5 in 248 ABs

13. Jose Altuve – In the 2nd half last year, he stole 14 bags. If he repeats that, he will finish with easily his lowest steals total. Steals are down across the league, so if things are looking down it’s not that surprising to see Altuve. Projections: 41/10/35/.346/15 in 265 ABs

14. Aaron Judge – Obviously, if you’re looking for safety, Judge over Bryce. This is as obvious as being able to see Judge from outer space, and not just when he’s performing an off-Broadway production of Moonraker while playing the part of Jaws. Projections: 48/25/44/.258/4 in 251 ABs

15. J.D. Martinez – I don’t care if he stays healthy. Don’t. I don’t own him, but I have Lindor, Betts, Benintendi and other guys. There’s room for me to be successful if Just Dong stays healthy. All I ever said is he struggles to stay healthy. The great thing is when he is healthy, he produces. But his injuries usually appear out of nowhere and he misses 30+ games. Projections: 40/17/49/.303/1 in 248 ABs

16. Ozzie Albies – Some of these 2nd half rankings will be indicative of next year’s preseason rankings, and some won’t. Albies’ ranking feels like one of those that will be indicative. I guess if Albies has a huge 2nd half, he could move up a little, or if he struggles, he could move down a little. I sound very Albies Sure! (By the by, don’t look up current pics of Al B. Sure! His exclamation mark, not mine. He looks like the guy on Canal Street who has a great deal on a ‘Rolecks’ watch.) Projections: 47/12/40/.282/9 in 266 ABs

17. Luis Severino – He’s great, we know this, but check out this: in 2016, his line was 5.83 ERA, 8.4 K/9, 3.2 BB/9 in 71 IP. Yet — again with some stank — YET! people still disregard pitchers who don’t hit the ground running. Projections: 9-2/2.67/0.98/105 in 88 IP

18. Corey Kluber – Speaking of guys who don’t hit the ground running…I was…In the previous blurb…You’re not reading all of the blurbs, are you? You’re just skipping to ‘your’ guys, aren’t you? Shame. Projections: 8-3/2.78/0.92/110 in 97 IP

19. Charlie Blackmon – Chazz Noir is in the blaxploitation film, “Better B. Better.” In it, Chazz Noir starts off blistering hot, then he cools when he meets a lady (hey, I didn’t write it). That lady’s name, Cold Schmotato Jones, played by Eartha Mitt and she’s got cat-eyes and a wicked change that buckles a man’s knees. If Noir can shake that cat-o-nine-outs and cough out that phlegm fatale, he could be a top five hitter in the 2nd half. Projections: 50/13/35/.282/5 in 252 ABs

20. Freddie Freeman – Do a lot of people call him Fre-Fre? No? They should. Freeman does less for me in the 2nd half than in the 1st because I’m less concerned with counting stats and more with who can hit 17 homers in a month. In the first half, I want everything. In the 2nd half, I want someone who can light up the scoreboard for six weeks. Projections: 40/15/46/.308/5 in 242 ABs

21. Justin Verlander – He’s still throwing 95 MPH at the age of 35. We haven’t seen anything like this since Nolan Ryan, who was clocked at 100.8 MPH at the age of 35, but back then radar guns were a guy in the stands counting Mississippi’s, and some have said the guy who counted Mississippily wasn’t always consistent. Projections: 8-2/2.73/0.94/106 in 88 IP

22. George Springer – He’s been hot garbage under the Toxic Avenger’s butt. Not a 1st half to write home about, unless you have nothing else to write about. Thankfully, this is about the 2nd half and not 1st half, and Springer is still capable of having one of the biggest two-month stretches. There’s risk with him, due to his 1st half, but the reward could be huge. Projections: 45/16/37/.274/7 in 238 ABs

23. Alex Bregman – Has easily outpaced Springer in the 1st half, but you’re looking at a coin flip for who will be better in the 2nd half, and who the hell still carries coins outside of refs in football? Speaking of which (terrible segue), don’t forget to check out our 2018 fantasy football projections. Projections: 41/12/43/.285/7 in 241 ABs

24. Javier Baez – For what it’s Werth, I tried to put Baez even higher, and, at one point, had him lower. I feel like he could be a top ten player easier, then Maddon randomly puts him in the nine hole, and the Cubs win, and Maddon thinks Baez at the bottom of the order has the curative powers of pomegranates. Projections: 46/14/41/.271/12 in 253 ABs

25. Brian Dozier – Here’s what I said last year in the 2nd half top 100, “Nothing about this ranking makes sense, except that he hit 500 homers in the 2nd half of last year, so it’s a gamble on a guy that could the most valuable player of the 2nd half again.” And that’s me quoting me! He went on to hit 21 HRs and .304, after hitting 13 HRs and .242 in the 1st half. Until he doesn’t do that in the 2nd half, this is who he is. Projections: 44/17/47/.274/5 in 265 ABs

26. Anthony Rizzo – Ya know what’s happening here? I’m coming to terms with Rizzo being really a top 50 guy vs. a top 15 guy. Next year, Abreu or Rizzo? Yeah, I don’t know, will depend on Rizzo’s 2nd half. Projections: 40/16/46/.256/3 in 239 ABs

27. Kris Bryant – Samesies as Rizzo. Is Bryant more of a top 50 bat vs. the top 15 one? No idea for him either, but he really needs to git r’ done like Larry the Cable Guy and an employer of GitHub. Projections: 44/13/37/.282/4 in 247 ABs

28. Andrew Benintendi – In his rookie year, he went 20/20. This year, he’s on pace for 25/25. Next year, well, he’s taking the slow boat to 30/30. Also, if my math’s correct, he’s going to be the oldest player to 75/75 at 33 years old. Projections: 43/10/39/.287/10 in 238 ABs

29. Eddie Rosario – Because I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it). Projections: 39/14/40/.281/6 in 249 ABs

30. Rhys Hoskins – This 2nd half is going to tell us a lot for Hoskins. Is he a 18-homer, 2nd half player or will he hit 12 homers? Doesn’t sound like a huge difference, but his end stats are going to look dramatically different depending on those six homers? *intern tugs on my sleeve* “Um, what if he hits neither 18 or 12 homers and hits, say, 15?” Shut up and get me my boba! Projections: 41/16/48/.260/4 in 241 ABs

31. Starling Marte – When I wrote this, Marte was ranked 30 on the Player Rater. Feels appropriate that’s around what I expect from him in the 2nd half too. If there’s one player who is who he is, Marte would qualify. Projections: 40/9/36/.282/15 in 246 ABs

32. Clayton Kershaw – Bums me out a bit that I think Kershaw is never going to be again who he once was. Speaking of Bums, woof, you have a while until you see him. Projections: 7-1/2.57/1.02/75 in 71 IP

33. Jacob deGrom – You know what would be so Mets? DeGrom ends the year with a sub-2 ERA and less than ten wins. Projections: 5-3/2.34/1.08/103 in 90 IP

34. Trevor Bauer – I’ve talked about this in the past, but if I could literally toot my own horn this much in real life I’d never leave my house. I ranked Bauer about 75 picks before everyone else in the preseason, and only didn’t write a sleeper post for him, because when I wrote my sleepers it was before everyone else ranked and I figured people would be smarter than they were. Overestimated! Projections: 7-2/2.78/1.11/104 in 89 IP

35. Nelson Cruz – I feel like I could give him a 16-homer projection and he could get that in either 55 games or 16 games. Projections: 36/16/47/.265/1 in 234 ABs

36. Trevor Story – I just cackled thinking about how I’m almost assuredly going to rank Story way higher than everyone else next year and watch as he has the worst year of his career. It’s that stupid camera again from The Twilight Zone. Projections: 36/14/46/.269/7 in 239 ABs

37. Edwin Encarnacion – Member that Price is Right game where they give a span of possible prices and it highlights like 50 cents after and 50 cents before and as long as they’re in that margin they win? I literally just named every Price is Right game, didn’t I? Anyway, you should look at this top 100 like one of those games. Think of a giant highlighter covering twenty picks, as it moves up it loses rankings below and vice versa. So as it moves up from ranking 20, ranking 40 disappears. What the eff does this have to do with anything? That’s pretty much the tiers for the 2nd half. Are Blackmon and Encarnacion really that different for a little less than half a season? No, they’re not. One is on the top of a tier, one is on the bottom. Yes, that was the easier way of saying that. Projections: 37/17/48/.242 in 229 ABs

38. Cody Bellinger – Because there’s a small contingent of people who like when I point out how awful I am at fantasy baseball even as they regularly read. I goofed on Bellinger this preseason. Not nearly as bad as that contingent would have you believe, but I was too aggressive on him. A neutral luck 35/10/.260 guy isn’t terrible, but I had him in the top 20, which was a bit aggressive. (That contingent will now say, “Bellinger wasn’t as bad as your (fill-in player name) ranking.” Projections: 36/15/40/.259/5 in 229 ABs

39. Anthony Rendon – Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I merely ranked Rendon ahead of Eugenio Suarez out of habit. What’s that? You’d like to see who out of their habit? Father! You should be confessing too! Projections: 41/13/43/.287/1 in 237 ABs

40. Eugenio Suarez – I don’t completely buy the average he had in the 1st half. That is the only strike against him. Projections: 38/15/45/.269/1 in 235 ABs

41. Joey Votto – Not to make this about next year, but I bet I’m going to be a lot lower on Votto next year than the big box sites. You can almost feel ESPN ranking Votto in the top 25 still in 2019, right? Projections: 47/12/39/.318/2 in 225 ABs

42. Edwin Diaz – Not sure if his 1st half has been talked about as much as it should. Someone ping Smokey and have him drop some knowledge — Edwinowledge? Edwience? Ed-101? Diaz has more saves already than last year, and he wasn’t bad last year! More about closers in the next blurb. Projections: 1-0/2.42/0.94/40, 28 saves in 30 IP

43. Craig Kimbrel – Same thinking with starters in the 1st half as I’m using for closers. The top ones are either way more valuable or useless depending on where you are in the standings. If you need homers, no matter how great Kimbrel is, he won’t help. Continued in next blurb. Projections: 1-0/2.25/0.90/39, 27 saves in 30 IP

44. Kenley Jansen – And if you badly need saves, a guy like Eddie Rosario is just not going to help. There will be similar shizz said in the Dee Gordon blurb when we get there. Either crazy valuable or nearly worthless. Orf course, they do get some other stats, so not completely worthless. Continued to next blurb. Projections: 1-1/2.28/0.93/37, 27 saves in 31 IP

45. Aroldis Chapman – Finally, if you need to make up saves, you pay for a top one and move in the standings. Gambling on a guy like, say, Sergio Romo to make a difference isn’t as great at this point in the season. Projections: 0-1/2.18/0.91/39, 26 saves in 29 IP

46. Max Muncy – Let’s be real here, if he hits five homers and runs backwards around the base all five times, and five homers are then subtracted from his stat line, he still had a huge year for where you drafted him. Unless he goes to the plate, spinning his nose on the bat handle, he likely won’t run backwards around the bases, so, like you’re playing ’94 Sega Hockey, it’s all icing. Projections: 40/11/35/.267/2 in 231 ABs

47. Dee Gordon – Like Pablo Sandoval doing gymnastics, the splits have not been pretty for Gordon, but if you just need steals, you need to do what you gotta do. SAGNOF runs both ways, and what I said for the closers applies for Gordon. It’s almost why if I needed steals I could see trading for Billy Hamilton. Almost! Projections: 42/1/17/.295/20 in 267 ABs

48. Christian Yelich – He will have been worth owning by the time October rolls around, but Yelich is the type of player who you own for only one half and you yawn a lot and it’s not out of empathy. Projections: 45/10/32/.290/9 in 247 ABs

49. Gerrit Cole – You know how every pitcher the Astros trade for gets exponentially better? If not, ask Trevor Bauer. With that in mind, you know within three years they’re going to trade for Jon Gray and Vince Velasquez and they will immediately be top 10 starters. You know this, right? I mean, it’s so obvious. How about they up the stakes and sign Shia LaBeouf? Yeah, goddamnit, turn Shia LaBeouf into a major league pitcher! Projections: 8-2/2.92/1.05/80 in 70 IP

50. Aaron Nola – I just gave you my Aaron Nola fantasy. It was written because, “I’m still crazy after all these years.” Projections: 6-3/2.76/1.05/68 in 67 IP

51. Khris Davis – There’s maybe six guys that can hit 25 homers in the 2nd half. So, as many guys that Antonio Alfonseca can count on one hand. Davis is one of those guys. For those who are counting on Alfonseca’s hand, Davis is the 2nd pinkie. Projections: 38/19/45/.245 in 238 ABs

52. Lorenzo Cain – Whether you call him Lo-Cain, Runnin’ Cain, Cain…Sugar! or the Devil’s Dandruff, you sound like Keith Hernandez in the mid-80’s. Projections: 43/8/22/.301/15 in 242 ABs

53. Noah Syndergaard – If his minor injury was really minor, it means A) The Mets were able to accurately diagnose him. B) A pitcher injury on the Mets can be minor. C) There’s no C. D) The Mets aren’t saying Syndergaard will be fine just so they can trade him. E) A thru D minus C with exclamations. F) The Mets. Projections: 4-2/2.43/1.06/71 in 61 IP

54. Blake Snell – This was funny (to me). Some ‘perts went over their biggest surprises of the 1st half. A few said Elvis Andrus as a bust (I called that), some said Blake Snell busting out (I called that), some said Muncy (I had no clue on that), a few even said Miles Mikolas (I own him and told all of you that I’d own him before Ohtani), someone couldn’t believe how good Trevor Bauer’s been (you know I was all over that) and one even was surprised by Mike Foltynewicz (I own him too and told you to do the same). I guess what’s funny (not funny) is I can understand why we are one of the most popular fantasy sites. I’m predicting months ahead of time what people are later shocked about. Projections: 5-2/2.76/1.11/80 in 70 IP

55. Scooter Gennett – He needs a cool nickname. How about Vespa Jones? Sounds like a part Beyonce would play in an Austin Powers movie. Or the name Andre 3000 uses when he’s staying at a hotel. And what’s cooler than cool?! Ice cold! (Lots of Andre 3000 appearances in the top 100. Comeback?) Projections: 39/13/42/.289/2 in 241 ABs

56. Jesus Aguilar – I dipped my finger into an ashtray at my local pool hall, rubbed the ash on my forehead and kneeled in front of my waiver wire. Jesus Aguilar did not appear to me, but Jesus Sucre did. I will purchase a Pray Better kneeling pad from Joel Osteen and try again after the break. Projections: 32/12/38/.271 in 219 ABs

57. Jean Segura – Means very little, but I went back to my preseason top 100 because I felt like Segura was ranked around here then, and, pretty close, at 56 overall. Surrounded by Donaldson, Chris Taylor, Wil Myers and Puig, i.e, Woof, Dr. Woofenstein, Woofman Jackshizz and Wooferine. Projections: 43/5/23/.304/12 in 247 ABs

58. Justin Upton – Want a guy who could be a top 10 fantasy guy in the 2nd half or not worth owning by August 15th? Look no further! Metaphorically! Don’t shut your browser window! Whoa, was that a Bronies subreddit in your other browser window? All this time I thought you were simply a fan of The Outsiders’ Ponyboy. Projections: 30/13/40/.251/3 in 239 ABs

59. Jose Abreu – He’s gotta lot of work to do in the 2nd half to make up for the 1st half. But he could have one huge week and be exactly on pace for his preseason projections. Yes, it would be a very huge week, but seven days never the less! Projections: 34/13/41/.283 in 251 ABs

60. Didi Gregorius – Damn right I like the lineup The Gregorius D.I.D. live in so I went from negative to positive. It’s all good, baby baby. Projections: 37/11/41/.258/5 in 255 ABs

61. Xander Bogaerts – This is how I went about ranking the last five or six players: do I want Correa or Scooter (Aguilar, Segura, etc)? So, Bogaerts or Correa? Yes, Xander, but I could see Correa returning by end of July and moving up. Speaking of up, how about that new launch angle on Bogaerts? On pace for almost exactly same number of homers this year as he hit two years ago. At least he’s not swinging his bat towards the catcher like last year. Projections: 38/10/45/.275/2 in 239 ABs

62. Carlos Correa – Someone should have a summit with Correa that goes like this, “Stop sucking.” “Is that it?” “Yes, wanna grab lunch?” How easy is that? Projections: 34/12/40/.279/1 in 202 ABs

63. Ronald Acuna – While he was on the DL, I stood outside The House Ted Turner Sneers At with a sign that read, “Tilde Come Back,” until Tilde came back. Now I’m wondering if we might be a year early on him, but then I see him hit a ball 475 feet without any effort and run out an infield single quicker than 98% of players and I’m still in. Projections: 31/12/39/.273/5 in 239 ABs

64. Juan Soto – I’m stanning hard on Sexy Dr. Pepper. This means a lot because I have never drank any kind of cola in my life — it’s one of my claims to fame; 27 more years and I get into Guinness; for now I’m just a dopey guinea. Was difficult for me to put The Tilde in front of him, but Soto has 5-steal speed and Acuña has 20-steal speed. You know I’m still Mr. Peepers on Sexy Dr. Pepper. Projections: 38/10/31/.292/1 in 244 ABs

65. Marcell Ozuna – This little sub-tier from OZUNA to Pollock could be ranked anywhere from top 25 to after the top 250. OZUNA blushes from embarrassment for his play in 1st half. OZUNA cheeks so red. Coincidentally, OZUNA clowned you in the 1st half. Projections: 37/13/42/.281/1 in 261 ABs

66. Gary Sanchez – Could be Alfonseca’s 2nd index finger, but could also re-injure himself and be useless. Also, went over him in the video in Friday’s Buy/Sell. Projections: 31/12/37/.264 in 212 ABs

67. A.J. Pollock – I’d move Pollock up fifty spots if he played every game wearing socks with flip-flops like every Pollock I’ve known in my life. Projections: 30/6/32/.272/11 in 205 ABs

68. Jose Berrios – You know what we’re looking at with Berrios? Under-ranked next year and will be next year’s Aaron Nola and the ace on our fantasy teams. Don’t ask how I know this shizz when I don’t even know my wife’s phone number. Projections: 5-2/3.51/1.07/61 in 60 IP

69. Nomar Mazara – I wonder if he’s named Nomar after Garciaparra or if his dyslexic dad’s name is also Ramon. Projections: 33/12/41/.272/1 in 231 ABs

70. Whit Merrifield – To Whit, because no one else runs anymore. Projections: 35/8/23/.297/16 in 249 ABs

71. DJ LeMahieu – I call this area of the top 100, “Shrug, who DFK? I certainly DFK.” By the way, Google says DFK is Deep French Kissing. Um, yeah, not using it to mean that. It’s an Eff sandwich with Don’t Know bread. Projections: 42/6/22/.308/5 in 246 ABs

72. Carlos Carrasco – If it’s not apparent, pitchers have issues at this point. Not just with injuries or ‘can’t throw a full season of innings.’ Carrasco got old this year. Age doesn’t have to be the death knell of one’s career, e.g. Verlander, E.G. Marshall, but Carrasco might need to become a different pitcher. Projections: 7-3/3.67/1.17/74 in 70 IP

73. Charlie Morton – In case it’s not completely clear, I don’t love this tier of pitchers. I liked Morton a lot in the preseason, told you to draft him, but now I’m seeing how he hasn’t thrown more than 160 IP in seven years, walks are up and has struggled a bit of late. He was also the Sell in Friday’s video. Projections: 4-3/3.35/1.15/69 in 61 IP

74. Lance McCullers – There’s a small bugaboo as far as McCullers is concerned. He’s never thrown more than 125 2/3 IP in a major league season. He was in Friday’s Sell too. (Recurring Theme Alert!) Projections: 5-2/2.89/1.09/54 in 48 IP

75. Madison Bumgarner – I had Bumgarner ranked much higher than this, because I just assumed he was the ace he had always been, but then I looked at his peripherals and now I’m beginning to think I need to make him a Sell in this Friday’s Buy/Sell. Wow, he is not the same pitcher anymore at all. It’s appropriate he likes to ride dirt bikes, because his stats look like they were ridden hard and put away wet. Projections: 6-2/3.65/1.22/75 in 83 IP

76. Zack Greinke – Actually, mansplainly, Greinke is safer than other guys in this tier of starters, but he’s also a bit of a bore, and nearly Rick Porcello for reliably ‘just okay.’ Projections: 5-4/3.54/1.16/77 in 75 IP

77. Nicholas Castellanos – The Greek God of Hard Contact presides over his booth in the Mt. Olympus diner carrying a baseball bat and wearing a glove, which makes it very difficult to open one of those little jelly packets that you have to tear the corner on. “I am the Greek God of Hard Contact, could someone please jelly my goddamn bread?!” Projections: 35/12/40/.297/1 in 239 ABs

78. Ender Inciarte – This little tier of players, from Ender to Corbin, I call “Guys you may not realize are doing so well,” which is different than “Guys you may not realize are doing so…….well…..” Which is someone reading this while falling into a well. Projections: 41/5/22/.282/17 in 248 ABs

79. Blake Treinen – Good as time as any to point out how quickly these rankings could change. If Treinen goes a week while struggling or is traded, then his value could plummet, but his 1st half was an easy $12 Salad with extra Waldorf. Projections: 2-1/2.45/1.00/35, 22 saves in 33 IP

80. Odubel Herrera – In Google, ODB has recently switched from the top result of Ol’ Dirty Bastard to Our Daily Bread, a prayer site. Both had conversations with U-God, I guess. Projections: 37/12/42/.284/5 in 238 ABs

81. Patrick Corbin – Likely doing a half-assed job of counting, but Corbin, Mazara, Castellanos, Tim Anderson and Blake Snell were preseason sleepers of mine. Legit just skimmed the post for guys I think I wrote sleeper posts on and might be missing someone. This, Orf course, means nothing because I’m the one ranking them. And it’s confirmation bias. And I’m not even pretending to count well! However, I think I did very well this year ranking. I was higher than everyone on Jo-Ram, Lindor; some people freaked on Goldy, I didn’t; I liked Trevor Bauer and Mikolas more than most and I hated Correa, Andrus, Donaldson and Pham. Only limb I was way out on that I goofed on was my hate on Judge. Projections: 5-2/3.59/1.12/75 in 69 IP

82. Matt Kemp – If you feel like at any moment the bottom is going to fall out on Kemp, you’re not alone. With everything else in life, you are alone. Projections: 31/10/35/.292/1 in 208 ABs

83. Carlos Martinez – This is more about track record, because his peripherals could easily push him out of the top 100. There’s something wrong under the hood, which sounds like a good tag line for a gynecologist’s business card. Projections: 6-3/3.72/1.30/74 in 72 IP

84. Mitch Haniger – You could throw 15 players with 12-homer, .265 potential in the 2nd half into a hat and rank 10 of them and not the other five and then switch them all around and it could all be the correct ranking, i.e., Haniger or, say, Grichuk? Haniger, but, honestly, that could be Grichuk. Haniger is just safer and has been hitting third. Projections: 37/12/40/.265/3 in 237 ABs

85. Wil Myers – Speaking of how quickly things change, Myers may not have made the top 100 two weeks ago. Projections: 32/13/34/.273/6 in 226 ABs

86. Michael Brantley – Why do I feel like I just ranked my first guy who I’m going to be telling people to drop before August 1st? Sorry, just no support for Mi-Bra. Projections: 36/9/39/.305/4 in 217 ABs

87. Yoenis Cespedes – Honestly, has no business being ranked, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, which is similar but different than Sally Field’s kids who had the benefit of Doubtfire. Projections: 28/12/36/.274/1 in 202 ABs

88. Tommy Pham – Funny (not funny) to be the defender of Pham now after I said he was way overrated in the preseason. He has been disappointing, but he is hitting for power and stealing bases which boosts his fantasy value (Phamtasy value?). Projections: 39/8/27/.261/9 in 238 ABs

89. Eric Hosmer – When he finishes his first year in Petco, he should fire his agent. “So, I could’ve went to the Red Sox or Coors and I’m in San Diego?!” Then, rethinking, “Weather is nice, though.” Getting a lot of questions recently about dropping Hosmer, obviously I wouldn’t do that, but this ranking is about what he can do vs. what he has done. By the way, “What he can do vs. What he has done” sounds like what’s written on the back of a “The Future is Female” t-shirt. Projections: 31/12/38/.281/4 in 233 ABs

90. Josh Donaldson – Nothing says he should be ranked, but he could also be Alfonseca’s third thumb, though that could just be because he’s for extra sucks. Projections: 28/12/32/.249/1 in 197 ABs

91. Willson Contreras – Yes, I’m suggesting you buy two catchers before the 2nd half even begins. Within reason, Orf course, but Willson is not suddenly a 12-homer hitter. More like a 12+ homers in the 2nd half. Projections: 29/13/34/.273/2 in 212 ABs

92. Mike Moustakas – The Royals should trade Moistasskiss to whoever wants him. *thinks about how he didn’t sign with any clubs even after he went around to teams at the Winter Meetings like Jerry Maguire* Okay, so maybe no one wants him. Projections: 27/13/34/.260/1 in 239 ABs

93. Tim Anderson – In the preseason, I ranked him 102 overall; ESPN and Yahoo ranked Anderson 216 and 210 respectively. Or disrespectively, what a jizzoke. Projections: 34/9/29/.251/10 in 247 ABs

94. Stephen Strasburg – The Nats should have Strasburg pitch to Wieters like some kind of tap-out scenario where the first player to get hurt loses. Announcer, “He’s on pitch 96 and..it looks like Wieters is grabbing his hammy! Strasburg could win this–Wait, he is now grabbing his forearm!” Projections: 4-3/3.62/1.12/64 in 55 IP

95. James Paxton – This is a Rest of Season Player Rater call and nothing else. More than half of me is expecting Paxton to not throw more than 30 IP in the 2nd half. 53% of me expects it, to be exact. Projections: 5-3/3.34/1.09/61 in 54 IP

96. Jose Martinez – Just talked about Jo-Ma in the last Buy/Sell/Hold video. View it multiple times and make me lots of one-eighteenth of a pennies! Projections: 36/10/39/.304/1 in 226 ABs

97. Matt Carpenter – Cardinals are really filling up the back end. Hmm, bad choice of words. Projections: 43/11/30/.257/1 in 235 ABs

98. Rafael Devers – Watch the Sawx trade for Machado and Devers goes into DH rotation with Steve Pearce and *raspberries lips* However, I still believe in Devers — Delivers? That doesn’t work. Relyver? Nope, that’s bad too. That movie with Ed Norton and Ben Stiller, Keeping the Rafaithel. That’s the worst! Projections: 30/10/35/.261/4 in 230 ABs

99. Ian Desmond – These last few are essentially saying to you, “Put down the pumpkin spice, you basic snitch, and take a flyer on a guy who could be a top 25 guy in the 2nd half.” Projections: 28/13/37/.233/5 in 224 ABs

100. Kyle Tucker – Will this list ever end? Piscotty doesn’t know! By the way, you wanna kill three hours during the break? All of the rest of the season hitter projections and pitcher projections. Those are via Steamer, so they don’t match mine, but I did consult them like you consult a diner placemat to figure out where Wyoming is. Projections: 22/8/31/.266/8 in 223 ABs

101. Whoever Helps You Win – Don’t get tied to projections and rankings and “I drafted this guy in the 8th round this year.” Yeah, we all hate Justin Smoak, not just you. The worst thing you can do at this stage is hold onto players just because of what they could do vs. what they are doing. What they are doing is what wins championships and that’s what excites the ladies in your daydreams and your daydreams are real to you.