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The Problem:

Unfortunately, there's another type of person who doesn't own a television. This person will bring up their lack of television viewing whenever they can and then use this revelation as a stepping stone to a story about their fucking wonderfully meaningful television-free life. "I can't even imagine owning a television," this person will say. "We use our living room for more culturally significant things, like reading Proust in the original French and then interpreting it into postmodern dance. Did you know that the average American spends 400 hours a day in front of a television set while slowly stewing in a pile of their own filth?"

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This attitude has always been a bit obnoxious, but the advent of fast Internet has made it insufferable. There is nothing virtuous about disconnecting yourself from the TV screen when you can just download Game of Thrones on your MacBook Pro, you douchebag. Everyone knows that time you save from not watching television is not being used on learning Russian or developing your woodworking skills. You're going to fuck around on the Internet, just like everyone else.

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"We like to watch porn in the original German."

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The existence of these anti-television asshats means that if you're a normal person who just doesn't like television, you're trapped. If you want to confess your non-viewer status, you're hit with immediate pressure to prove you're not a douche, which usually involves following up with a weird little speech: "I don't own a television, but it's not like I look down on people who have televisions. A lot of my best friends have televisions. If my daughter came home and wanted to marry a television, I'd be completely- wait, where are you going?"