Chic Murray and his Jokes

(Scottish Humour)

Chic Murray, the famous Scottish actor and comedian, is the subject of this page, which has been dedicated to him. Scottish humour is appreciated throughout the World but Chic's humour is both unique and incredibly funny. It's very difficult to do it justice in print but here goes anyway ...

(If you know any others please email them to me).

Chic Murray 1919 - 1985

(Image courtesy of the BBC)

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dogs home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away." When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, Chic lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back. My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course. I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake? So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him. What use is happiness? It can't buy you money. I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it? My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton. I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese. I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to. If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers. Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep. The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder. It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed. I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section. Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself. I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns. We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons. You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere. There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed. The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil. I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time. I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing. My girlfriend's a redhead, no hair, just a red head. I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.