Like you, I want to have advanced knowledge of future events that I can exploit to enrich myself financially, sexually or nutritionally (if I can get a heads up on where to find a McRib, I am on that mother). Despite doing Kegel exercises regularly, Iâve been unable to hone my own psychic prowess, so I figured Iâd have to turn to experts; people who charge several dollars a minute for access to their mysterious gifts.Â But could I trust these people?Â I canât abide charlatans, so Iâd have to run some tests. In order to save money Iâd have to get my psychic friends to run a five minute gauntlet of psychicery to prove their worth.Â The challenge?Â In that time, I would ask them to tell me what I had in my hand, what I had for breakfast and give an answer to one more or less preposterous and wholly fraudulent question like a more naked Dr. Peter Venkman (oh, right, I'd be naked).Â Itâs on!

Telemedium

The Telemedium website had me hooked right off the bat.Â To start they were only going to charge me $1.69 per minute.Â Sixty-nine is hilarious on the Internet, Iâm sold!Â Plus, thereâs a long list of psychics I can choose from, itâs not even some random wahoo with specialized knowledge of unknowable events, itâs my choice.Â And what choices!

Tim there looked promising, and if anyone has seen the astral plane itâs gotta be this guy but alas, he was offline.Â Luckily they have about 90 psychics to choose from so I also ran Costanza here up the flagpole;

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My final choice was this charming looking lady, because I was hoping for some psychic phone sex as I assume she already knows what I like (mostly degradation and threats).

The Test:

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Unfortunately she too was offline, so I had to settle for a middle-aged lady whose picture wasnât even available.Â Great.My new psychic friend was named Claudia and she spoke as slowly and deliberately as any drunk Iâve ever met.Â I couldnât decide if this was because she was trying to milk my $1.69 a minute or because she had stroked out just before I called.Â I didnât really want to ask. Honestly, she should have known I wanted to know, but thatâs neither here nor there. Since I didnât have time or finances to beat around the bush, I cut to the chase.Â In my hand was the one item I always have handy when Iâm doing research: a boxed set of theRoboCop trilogy.Â I asked Claudia to tell me what I was holding.

Heâs a cop and a robo? This movie really speaks to me.

With only a minor stumble that I think was the beginning of a âwha?â Claudia quickly changed directions and explained how she connects with my spirit guides to glean information from me and they show her what I need to know, not always what I want to know.Â You crafty bitch. I tell her it was all three