Cheating is a game. If played well it’s a game that’s damn fun to win. It’s an art, some might say a skill. It’s a triple threat that I’ve practised and now my game is better than Tiger Woods’.

At our age you have to enjoy sex, and in our prime physique, why would you not? The game at uni is simply a magic trick. It’s all “Look over here!” meanwhile I’m shagging like a white rabbit way over here.

It’s risk takers that cheat – those that love a little thrill. We party four times a week, submit that essay at 11.59pm, still have the time to look good and even get a first class degree. It’s what we do, and you know what, it’s a busy schedule.

Crucially you have to choose the right partner. You cannot choose a needy person without expecting their calls day and night. It’s a disaster and you’re going to get caught. Choose that laid back, chilled out lad or lass. You know the one, they’re probably best mates with your partner and are definitely down to play the game.

It is essential to have a code that only you understand on your phone. If you don’t, you’re asking to be caught and for your actual boyfriend or girlfriend to expose your photos, texts and other naughty things. Just keep it hidden. My lifelong motto is “out of sight, out of mind”. If you’re always on your phone, your other half will know something’s up. So be smart with it – do not save your side piece’s name as anything bait.

You also have to emotionally prepare for what you’re doing. We’re not trying to damage your actual relationship. Just fooling around, having fun and, most importantly, getting freaky. So, there’s really no point confessing every impure detail of your filthy one-night stand to your genuine lover if you end up in the position where you “didn’t mean to cheat on them”. The chances are you did, and it’s probably time that relationship ended anyway, so get over it babe.

Dominance is key to successfully cheat. The person you’re cheating on should be at your beck and call. If they want you more than you do them, perfect. If you’re dominant, they will trust you, believe you, and love you, so you can get away with murder.

Thankfully screwing around is easier with a luxury student house. But you’ll still need to take care. House mates will know the game you’re playing and are also aware that you’re in a relationship. They can either save your bacon with an alibi when questions arise or they could destroy you and your rep. I’m pretty sure if one of your housemates has crushed on your piece they would rat you out to get in on the game. Game over.

The devotees and commitment types will be screaming judgement with: “But what if you found out your boyfriend was cheating on you though?”

Well, good on them, the game’s fun, and I clearly wasn’t smart enough to see them playing it. Cheating is such a valuable skill and has an intensely satisfying win. Even more when you’ve got multiple sides. I mean, a meal isn’t complete without whipped cream, pistachio nuts and chocolate sauce, right?

Uni students need to accept that serious relationships just don’t start at uni. It’s the time of your life and you’re surrounded by hormone pumped opportunities. So this weekend when you’re bored stuck inside with your boyfriend of two years, try a little risk, hook up with your side piece and then go back home to bae. You will soon learn the skills and thrills of deception and damn good sex.

But most importantly, don’t get caught.

Disclaimer: This article is intended as a satirical joke, please read it as such.