Wow. What an episode. I’m loving season fifteen of Big Brother, even if its contestants tend to be heinous specimens of humanity. I could go on at length about last night’s excellent episode, but why bother when my friend Louis Virtel has so expertly spelled it all out at The Backlot. Read his coverage for the analysis, and when you’re done, come back here for the photocap, which is located conveniently after the jump!



Amanda: “I know we just had a fight, but I’m sure you’ll accept this hug, what with me being THE MOST LIKABLE PERSON HERE.”



“I don’t like the look of that ceiling tile, and I bet I know JUST who put it there. Needless to say, THE LEGACY OF HOWARD LIVES ON!”



“AAAAY YOUS!! I JUST ATE A LEMON!!!”



“I wonder if anyone can tell I’ve knotted my shirt in the back. Surely there’s no design feature in this kitchen that would indicate otherwise…”



“Jessie, I just want you to know that you’re not the Target. You’re more like the JC Penney’s.”



“I just feel like I’m a really good ally, and–“



“Uh huh.”



“I could really help your game, and–“



“Gotcha.”



“I think there are bigger targets in the house–“



“Absolutely.”



“And I think–“



“Total agreeance.”



“You didn’t even hear what I–“



“Gotcha. Over and out.”



“But–“



“10-4.”



“Are you listening to me or just pretending you’re having scones with Nick.”



“I don’t know what scones are… But yes.”



“Hey ladies, anyone want to see what I’m hiding in my jorts?”



Aaryn: “Hey Amanda, why don’t Jews believe in Jesus?”

Amanda: “I’m not going to answer that. Changing the subject.”

“NO. WE CANNOT DO ANYTHING UNTIL WE ADDRESS THE JEWISH QUESTION.”



“Hey McCrae, wanna come sit over here? I just farted; so the mattress is nice and warm for you.”



“Nah, I’m gonna sit here. I don’t want to interrupt this really amazing day dream I’m having about pizza boxes.”



“Besides, why would McCrae move away from me, the HOTTEST GIRL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?”



Amanda: “Why didn’t you want to come sit with me? Is it because I’m vile???”



McCrae: “Isn’t it funny how we sort of look like a sunny-side up egg right now?”

Amanda: “If you can’t see that we’re mashed potatoes with a pat of butter on the side, then I don’t even know what we’re doing in this relationship.”



“AYYY YOUS. I got a circle with letters on it. Don’t know what it says though ’cause I don’t know how to read.”



“Does this chip say Nick on it? You guys. Don’t mess with me. I’m serious. Is Nick on this chip??? IS HE COMING BACK??? AAYYYYY YYOOOOOOUUUU GUYYYYSS!!!!”



Judd: “PSSSSST — don’t tell Amanda that I’m using the Veto on Jessie.”

“Uh, I’m standing right here.”

“Oh shewt. I thought I was talking to one of those cartoon walruses I seen on TV.”



“Hey Spencer, you’ll use the Veto on me, right? Because I’m the most FUCKING LIKABLE PERSON HERE.”



“Hey Amanda, the more you talk, the more you’re unwelcome in Candyland.”



“Jokes on you, Amanda, because everyone in America loves the Candyland nickname… that I gave myself… and no one else uses… ever.”



“Now, back to my TLC tribute. Don’t go chasing waterfalls…“



“TLC? Is that the Shaniqua coming out of you? I guess that makes me racist. Well, guess what. I can’t be racist because EVERYONE LIKES ME THE MOST.”



“I can’t believe that Amanda is wearing overalls. Like, only fat people who don’t want to make friends wear those, SORRRY NO OFFFFFENSE THANKKKS.”



“Does this scarf make my head look like it’s floating in space? If it does, I will SADDDLY have to evict it, THANKKKS FOR ASKING.”



“This scarf feels bulky and heavy around my neck. I feel like it might be Amanda’s one-piece, THANKKKKS SORRRY NO OFFENSE.”



Amanda: “Hey Candice, you’re such a stupid bitch.”

“And you’re a fat hog.”

“Why are you still talking?”

“Because you started talking to me first.”

“Go ahead, Candice. Keep talking. Do you think that will keep you in the house longer?”

[silence]

Amanda: “Oh, now you’re not going to answer my question.”

“I’m not trying to engage.”

“WHY ARE YOU TALKING???”

“You keep asking me questions!”

“WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING THOUGH?”

“Fine, I won’t talk.”

“Oh, real mature. Giving me the silent treatment.”

“You told me not to talk to you.”

“WHY ARE YOU TALKING???”



“I won the Veto! It’s true: HOT GIRLS do come out ahead!”



“Amanda, what is wrong with you?”



“What is wrong with you?”



“You can’t go off on people!”



“When did I do that?”



“Just before!”



“Before what?”



“Before NOW. In the Veto competition.”



“I don’t know what you’re saying because I never participated in any Veto competition.”



“Yes, you did! I saw you!”



“Saw me do what?”



“Compete! And then call Candice ‘Shaniqua.'”



“I most certainly did not.”



“You can’t say things like that!”



“Like what?”



“You can’t say racially-tinged insults, especially not to Candice.”



“First of all, who is Candice? Second of all, I can’t be held responsible every time Shaniqua gets mad.”



“Amanda, stop saying Shaniqua!”



“Since when did I say Shaniqua??”



“JUST NOW.”



“No I didn’t.”



“You literally just called Candice ‘Shaniqua’ again.”



“McCrae, you need to stop making these wild accusations based on nothing but paranoia, hormones, and petty jealousy. Now leave me alone and go hang out with YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND JESSIE WHO YOU LOVE MORE THAN ME AS EVIDENCED BY YOU SITTING ON THE SAME COUCH AS HER.”



“Feels good to be back in my prom outfit!”



“Like, no OFFFFENSE, but who drinks from this Sprite bottle? Don’t people know that soda makes them fat and ugly? SORRRRRY THANNNNKS FOR ASSSSKING.”



Machine: “I don’t understand. I keep spraying insecticide at her, but she keeps coming back for more!”



“This is actually a pretty normal look for me in Boca.”



“OMG another tan? IS THIS BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES ME SO MUCH???”



“AYYYYY YOUS!! Can some of yous help me? I tried to give a blowjob to a lamp and things went wrong.”



“I’d like to thank Judd’s shirt for making me look totally ridiculous, even next to a clown and an over-tanned beast.”

What did you think about the episode?