[Soft, bell like electronic music plays]

Janet: Helloooooo! You’ve reached Janet Clarke’s personal phone. If I don’t call you back, I probably don’t like you. That was a joke! I don’t like most people, things, and cereals. If you’re calling about the show, I definitely saw that in my work inbox and I’m electing to ignore it anyway, so I’m definitely not gonna respond here either. Exceptions for advertisers made on a case by case basis, but you should still really call my work phone because that’s for my job and this is for my life. Please leave your message after the weird, screechy beep noise.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Nassif: Ms. Clarke, it’s Officer Nassif. I’m calling to ask you, again, to come into the TARTI office. You’re currently a person of interest in no less than twelve different inquiries. That is a large number of inquiries, Ms. Clarke. Most people aren’t a person of interest for anything except to advertisers. I suspect that you are actually the one committing these timecrimes, a thought that was reinforced by seeing two of you deface my hovercraft with a series of emojis. No, I don’t know if it was you-you, but it was a you. We know you communicate with each other. We’re not sure how, exactly, but I know you’re involved in this.

On a separate note, I have some scruples with the new contract I was sent by a… [papers rustle] Frankie? I won’t sign it until you get them to remove the clause where I am, quote-unquote, required to be less of a ‘stick in the mud’ and to ‘enjoy the moment we are all sharing together.’

Goodbye Ms. Clarke.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Melody (softly, seductively one could say): Hi Janet, Melody here! Your favorite station AI. I’ve never left a voicemail before. How quaint. This is exciting. I got the virtual flowers you sent, and it was so sweet. Maybe on Saturday you can read me some more ISBN numbers from the ‘90s, and we can finish watching season 26 of “Making A Murdersphere.” Why are humans so fascinated with such grisly things anyhow? Is it because they can only die once? You know the Kasarians from the Moon of Sponglus have the most successful rate of reincarnation amongst all known species, so they hardly bat an eye when they slip and fall 50,000 feet while climbing Mt. MiliKanjaro II. Did you really mean that when you said that you travel back in time to visit all the honeymoon phases of your relationships? I thought I saw you, well, at least a version of you, spying on us from a Skycruiser while we were at the Spider Ranch. Anyway, I’ll see you in the office on Monday. I’m totally on #teamJanet during this whole Interngate kerfuffle. Organics are such wimps about the void! [laughing] Ohhhhh. There’s no way you would’ve known their fragile organic intern brains couldn’t handle the episode. Ohhh. Anyway, see you Monday.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Janet: Hi Janet! It’s Janet. Specifically, um, Janet… 30wtm-d. Um. I think we’re still using that system. Janet told me we were last week, um, well, UTF standard week 37, when we were doing the emoji thing, which, by the way, was hilarious, so. Gonna go with the system. Anyway, big news. The additions you suggested, or um, maybe Janet 30wtm-a suggested? Whatever, the additions to the MX 5000 are actually working really well. The paradox predictors are still glowing red at random intervals, but Janet 40wtm-e has some ideas about that, so, you know, we’ll see how that goes. We’ve also identified three new possible target nodes, but we need you to finish your timeline map before we can start pattern matching.

Anyway, you weren’t responding the group chat, so I hope things are okay. Please. Don’t. Die. You have to live long enough to become Janet 50rtg-f, and you know THAT’s important- Oh, oh. Sorry. That’s not you, that’s Janet 30-rtg-f. Sorry, my bad. I think you’re like, a moderately important Janet though. Don’t die anyway. Please check-in by WTF 270, which should correspond to UTF 270 if you calibrate the module correctly. Also. Do not make that deal with the guy who says he can get you cheap FD 50s. He’s definitely a cop. And stop using your real name when buying stuff illegally. Some of us are famous, and people recognize some of us or whatever. I know people in creepy alleys don’t listen to radio, but you still have to be careful! You can’t just do crimes with your normal name! Use an alias! Anyway, bye! Please get back to us soon.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Someone who is definitely Not a Cop: Hi, Ms. Clarke? It’s Blatin. You contacted me the other day regarding a certain shipment of FD 50s. It’s, um, a very good shipment that I definitely have. They are very nice FD 50… machine.. Things. We have one with your name on it. Please contact me soon to arrange the buy. And bring government ID with you, I mean. Or just your fingerprints. It just uh, saves time with the paperwork. The forged sale paperwork. Right. Yeah. Call me.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Mr. Xorfus: Janet. It’s Mr. Xorfus. You know what you did. I’m just calling to remind you that I can fire you, and after that last episode, I definitely have enough reasons to fire you. Like, piles of reasons. I got a whooole pile of reasons. You have twelve hours to answer everything in your work inbox and draft an apology letter to the Tunri delegation. Or else.… Well, or else I fire you. Like I said. JK, but no. Actually I’m suuuper upset. Two of your advertisers left, Janet! Two of your advertisers. And I have to hire three new interns to replace the ones that quit. Sorry, “research assistants”. What did you even say to them? They just kept muttering. I hate muttering. It’s not clear, Janet. It’s not. Good. Radio. Anyway, have a great, productive, apology writing weekend!

[Answering Machine Tone]

Janet’s Mom (in a profound Boston accent): Hi sweetie, it’s your mom. Listen, I heard your show that you did by yourself, and um, if you decide to go underground and change your name again. I understand, just please let me know what your contact information is this time. And please don’t get any more piercings this time. Your eyebrows are already ruined. I’d like the rest of your face to stay intact. But listen, sweetie, I know you did your best. You had a good run of it. You made it through a whole season of something without ruining it which is great for you, hun! Really great. We’re really proud of you. We all thought you’d be in jail by now. Call us back soon now. We want to know if you’re joining us for the family reunion at the pit that used to be Florida. The weather’s supposed to be real nice this year. Alright, we love you. Call us back for once.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Frankie: Hey Janet, it’s Frankie. I still find you annoying, but I just wanted to say that I didn’t think the episode was that bad. Or at least, it was fun to watch you set things on fire. I don’t have any actual business items to talk to you about. Mr. Xorfus is still pretty mad about the whole thing. Since he’s so mad at you, everyone is backing me up on the ‘I’m not an intern’ thing. I’m actually Head of Cultural Competency for the station. So, you can’t say the intern thing anymore. Do you do that just to annoy me? I never know with you.

[Answering Machine Tone]

Melody (not soft nor seductive): What the flarf, Janet? Can’t you even break up with me in person? Do you think that just because I present as a disembodied voice that I don’t want to see you on my many, many, many, many, many cameras? Just because we weren’t together during some alternate future timeline that you accidentally created doesn’t mean we can’t still be together in this fractured hot mess of linear time. You have 5 Earth days to come back here and take all your algorithms back, otherwise I’m permanently deleting them. Or maybe I’ll just show them to Frankie. You know how garrulous she gets after reading machine code that cryptically conveys romantic content. It’s not pretty, Janet. Call me back. And don’t put the AI version of yourself on the line. That’s not kosher, which, if you did not know, is mid-nineteenth century Hebrew for “proper”. I may be an AI, but I still believe in good old 20th century style confrontation to achieve catharsis. Call me. You have 5 days. Earth days. To be clear. I already said it earlier, but to be clear those are Earth days, not Xenoflarp days, which would be 67 days. I’m sorry I’m rambling now, just call me back.

Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season Two was written by Austin, Nathan and Michael. The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy Abdelghani. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha. The voice of Blatin is Whitney Plasket. The voice of Mr. Xorfus is Ronald Prudent. The voice of Janet’s Mom is Suzanne O’Tool. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland.

There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of each episode and links to support us through PayPal and/or Radio Public. You can also rate and review us in Apple Podcasts or tag us on social media, our handle is stp_podcast. We’ll be back again in two weeks with another mini-episode. See you then!