SCP-4513

2/4513 LEVEL 2/4513 CLASSIFIED Item #: SCP-4513 Safe

SCP-4513-B

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4513 is contained in a standard object storage locker in Site-19.

Description: SCP-4513 is a Brush Master brand large drum wood-chipper.

SCP-4513's anomalous quality occurs when any form of printed literary media is placed into its intake hopper.

After SCP-4513 consumes such a form of media, rather than the expected output of shredded paper, it will produce a watery substance superficially resembling milk. This substance (SCP-4513-B) changes the narrative structure of any literary media it is exposed to. These alterations result in a text that more closely resembles the media SCP-4513-B was formed from (in style and prose).

Addendum 4513.1 TESTING LOGS

Several tests were performed using SCP-4513-B. A filled IRS W-2 tax form, provided by Researcher Andrew Thompson, was used as a control for the different varieties of SCP-4513-B to be applied to.

SCP-4513-B Source: Moby Dick; or, the Whale by Herman Melville

The mahogany slab separating the captain from his sailor was littered with papers — ink scrawls on parchment listing nills and tips and debts and payments, all resting on the broad white shoulders of one Captain Two-Form. Even as this cruel Pharoah of the Oppression scanned the page with his all seeing eyes, his flock trembled in awful fear at the utter power resting before him; the power to end a man's livelihood with a single stroke of a quill — a weapon most desired, but entrusted to a small few under the watchful gaze of the Internal Revenue Service. Jim Thompson's observation on the nature of his captor was cut short by the wax-sealed envelope thrust in his face by the thin, papery hands of Two-Form. "Eyes up, lad! You 'dun good, landing a one-hundredth-and-eightieth lay aboard the good ship the Foundation in only a single year of service! Not a feat many a man could accomplish. Though — this has the unfortunate consequence of heightening the amount of coin good Father Samuel will tear from your grasp the moment we make landfall. However: I have a weapon most sinister that can aid you against him." Two-Form grinned, displaying a mouth filled with shockingly white teeth, like a quarry of enamel buried under a disgusting facade. "Tell me, boy — do you know what a deductible is?"

SCP-4513-B Source: Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare

ENTER: A twenty-seven year old male. Afternoon. Do say, what is thy name, boy? :W-2 FORM

THOMPSON: They call me Jim Edward Thompson, m'lord.

Praytell, what is thy current level of income? :W-2 FORM

THOMPSON: In the year of our lord two-thousand-and-eighteen, I amassed a collective of seventy-three-thousand American dollars and change, m'lord.

Thou art in a tax bracket high enough to pierce the heavens! :W-2 FORM

THOMPSON gasps in horror.

Rejoice! To wit: Thou hast a dependent, and yes: You can, indeed, claim thy offerings to yonder Good-Will as charitable donations. :W-2 FORM

THOMPSON: Thou art a kind and charitable servant of the great Uncle Samuel!

Thou art most kind. However: prithee, speak honestly, dost thou have a four-oh-one-kay? :W-2 FORM

THOMPSON: I believe not, m'lord.

Then I am sorry to be the pallbearer of bad news — thou must journey far to the east and seek out the great kingdom of CHASE BANK and inquire within for the answers thou seeks. Godspeed. :W-2 FORM They call me Jim Edward Thompson, m'lord.In the year of our lord two-thousand-and-eighteen, I amassed a collective of seventy-three-thousand American dollars and change, m'lord.Thou art a kind and charitable servant of the great Uncle Samuel!I believe not, m'lord.

SCP-4513-B Source: Helicopter Man Pounds Dinosaur Billionaire Ass by Chuck Tingle