A man has just discovered he had sex with his new fiancée’s father and wonders what to do next. Mariella Frostrup says that honesty is the only policy. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I have been in love for the last year and recently proposed. After 10 years of bisexuality (though I had more female partners than male) I was happy, excited and in love. She introduced me to her parents three months ago and her father and I recognised each other from a local cruising site. We have been intimate on about three or four occasions. He has made contact with me and asked me to tell my fiancée about my sexuality. I asked if his wife knew about his, and we have reached something of an impasse. He has since taken screenshots of old photos of me and I have also found some of him. Shall I just walk away from the woman of my dreams?

Mariella replies Are you for real? If so, life truly is stranger than fiction. The odds on such a coincidence occurring must be staggeringly high. Yet no matter how cataclysmic it now seems, this is really for the best. Entering into a marriage without a degree of honesty about who you are dooms the relationship to disaster from the outset. This isn’t just some little drunken overnight diversion, but a decade-long bisexual predilection that no doubt still exists. Surely your fiancée deserves to know the details of your sexual tastes?

It’s perfectly possible that she will react badly, not least as it may come as a shock. If she can come to terms with your admission, then you’ve chosen the right person for you. If not, she probably isn’t your “dream woman” after all. Looking on the bright side, this current dilemma is actually a test of your compatibility.

Finding a lifelong partner isn’t just about zoning in on a human being you can feel passionate about in the short term. Committing to each other entails identifying a friend and confidante whose attitudes and values you admire and whose life you want to share. How can you make those judgments about your fiancée when your relationship is only based on the part of your biological make-up that you now consider presentable? Do you really feel comfortable about allowing the woman you love to make her choice of husband in a twilight of ignorance?

Putting the past behind you is one thing; shoving it in a sealed trunk and dropping it into the ocean depths is another. It’s not healthy for you to leave part of your life hidden away, and it’s not conducive to happiness as a couple for one partner to be deluded about the true nature of the other.

As for her father, he certainly doesn’t come out of this looking good, but if you are locked in an impasse with him, then only honesty can free you. Daughters do tend to worship their dads, so it’s possible she’s found qualities in you that she also sees in him. Though what she’s identified may come as a surprise to her! That’s not the secret that you need to be sharing. Your first task isn’t to enlighten her about her father’s cruising days – that’s a dilemma you can leave him to face up to. Any information you proffer at this juncture will just be seen as a clumsy attempt to divert attention and spread the responsibility.

And let’s face it, you’ve been equally deceptive. Her father is a male influence she is growing out of, and yours is a new sphere she’s about to step into. If you love her, let her make that decision with as much knowledge as she needs. You also need to consider your own emotional health. You are who you are, and embracing a new lifestyle doesn’t render your past inconsequential. Are you so confident that you have been reinvented and that this chapter isn’t just on pause? There’s no reason for you to discount your bisexuality if you choose a partner who’s equally fluid about their sexual predilections or comfortable with yours.

If you really do care for this woman, she deserves to know the man she is marrying and to be allowed to make her decision about her future based on full disclosure. That doesn’t mean you need to focus on the details (such as the dalliances with her father), but you should fill her in her as delicately as you can on your previous sexual history. We live in far more tolerant times and there are plenty of people out there who wouldn’t see bisexuality as any barrier to a committed union. I can’t promise it won’t change her feelings toward you but that, too, may be a relief in the long term.

The connection you share with her father may indeed imperil your future with your fiancée, but turning your past into a dark secret is also a life sentence for misery. The circumstances currently forcing your hand are unusual and unlucky, but allowing the person you love to know you and accept you for who you are will make for a happier future.



If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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