Script for the animated documentary TRACING ADDAI by Esther Niemeier 10:00:14:06 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) First I reported him missing, but they said he’s an adult and free to do what he wants so they couldn’t do anything to help. I sent thousands of text messages, there was no response. When I finally found out that he was in Syria, I almost went insane. 10:00:59:10 (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) SENT: OCT 3, 2013 RE: PLEASE GET IN TOUCH!! (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) Hi mum, sorry I haven’t been in touch .. I won’t be coming home for a while. I emigrated.. I love you don’t worry I’m ok.. Kisses. Xxxx Addai 10:01:47:22 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa ) When I arrived at the base in Aleppo, the first person I met was Addai. I asked him in English: “Do you know where the German house is?” He was like, “Are you German?” I was like, “Yea.” He was like, “Thank God! Another German!” You have to understand that everyone who goes to Syria leaves everything behind: their world, job, friends, relationships, family. All of it. And suddenly you find yourself in a foreign country serving a higher purpose. That instantly makes you bond. We were strangers and suddenly we were brothers. Kitchen duty meant we didn’t have to go to the front or do guard duty. And everyone had to be nice to us or they wouldn’t get anything decent to eat. In Germany, Addai and I probably would have become friends, but... you have to understand, no one really trusts anyone because... Well, we didn’t even know each other’s real names. And we didn’t really talk about private stuff to not reveal any weak spots. 10:04:15:11 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) During the short time he lived there, we were in contact... it was more or less every other day. (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) Dear Addai, I can’t believe you left voluntarily without even saying goodbye. I don’t get it. Who manipulated or forced you into this? The situation is almost unbearable. Please contact me!!! Love, Mum 10:04:49:14 (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) RE: WHEEERE ARE YOU? (4) HELLO MUM MY DARLING... (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) hello mum my darling ..I am currently working here .. don’t worry so much. I’ve got things to take care of here. I’m living in a beautiful house and have everything I need .. please don’t tell people i’m in syria that’s not good germany.. love you 10:05:29:17 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) I was born and raised Muslim, unlike Addai...who, of course, was way more serious about practicing his faith. Well... because I never took it that seriously because it’s always been like that for me, but I had the feeling that he felt that as someone who wasn’t born Muslim, he had to prove himself. (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) Stop saying that mum… i’m not coming back .. i’m not extreme and we don’t want your oh so great way of life .. you know we discussed this already . we’ve been through all that. If you want to live like that please do .. addai 10:06:16:14 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) I just didn’t make enough time for him. I was often more confrontational instead. That was of course the wrong thing. I had to go back over everything I said, and suddenly I could recall it all, and... I remembered all the things I accused him of. If only I had talked to him and had been more patient. There were times when we blamed each other severely. We basically... We did really love each other, but sometimes we could hardly be around each other. There are these different components. You could maybe start with the question: Why did I have a child with a black man when I should have known what a difficult task that cute little baby would later have in this world? How often, for example, he wasn’t allowed into parties. And there would be some excuse: “We are invite-only” meaning you don’t belong to us. And that it’s still the same today. The psychosis came out of nowhere. The first one happened when he was 18. Then he spent some time in a psychiatric clinic and the medication kicked in very fast. I think after two months or so he was back in school, or working, as usual. And then he had another, stronger psychotic episode which came suddenly and developed even faster. In the acute phase he had panic attacks, and he was surely seeing things that weren’t there. And...at the same time, the medication also changed him. That means, his personality was different. And...suddenly he was someone who was losing his drive. 10:09:04:20 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) A guy I knew took me along and said, “Come on, let’s go and pray. It’ll be good for you.” I was in a bad place at the time, I really didn’t know what to do with myself at all. And then I met an imam. He was an ex-junkie, and he managed to get away from all that shit thanks to his faith. He found something positive in life and did good things. I thought, if he can do that, if it helps him, it might help me, too. He really impressed me. They all really listened to me. I had the feeling I was welcome, part of the group, and could also do something good myself. This imam told me a pilgrimage to Mecca would be the best thing for me. To purify my body and soul. To me it really felt like the chance of a new beginning. 10:10:01:07 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) Our last holiday was good. I know now that it was a gift that we shared together. Being so close, of course, and that there was no more fighting, or at least only a little bit. Maybe once a day, for a minute. But nothing all that serious. And maybe because of my own experience I thought hiking will be good for him. He hated it for the first three days, but afterwards he said, “There’s no better therapy.” And suddenly...there were moments when he was being fun again, and not just introverted and depressed. He was just really happy. (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) Addai, this is breaking my heart. I need you here, or at least somewhere safe. I love you and miss you here every day. Love, Mum (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) hey mum, I didn’t leave to get away from you. please remember that. if I could I would be with you. Can you please finally read the german translation of the quran and drop your prejudices because islam is the only thing that lasts .. Otherwise you won’t have a good life before and also after death .. I only want what’s best for you my dear mum 10:11:50:20 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) Addai converted right before his second psychotic episode. Strangely, the people from the mosque came to visit him in the psychiatric clinic. And he found it all kind of enlightening and he also said at some point, “That makes me happy.” I guess that was the first time when I thought, well, what can I say against that? 10:12:26:00 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) On my way to Mecca, I met a German Salafist preacher. He just wouldn’t leave me alone. He asked endless questions, was always around, till he knew everything about me. Finally he gave me this sad gaze and said, “How can you live like that when your brothers and sisters in Syria are suffering? Are you happy with your life in Germany as it is?” Of course he’d hit a raw nerve. You have to know though, that my family has always suffered under this regime. My grandfather, for example, was in prison under the father of the current Assad. My mother was a refugee who fled to Lebanon before moving on to Europe. In my extended family there are many who were killed or tortured in prison. I carry this inherent rage against that regime, the dictatorship over there. And I was just sick of hanging around here feeling useless. So the idea of helping in Syria was really good, it gave sense to my life. That German Salafist preacher put me in touch with some people. He had some contacts, and suddenly I was on my way to Syria. Initially it was all just talk, a bit of bullshitting really... But then all of a sudden it was serious. I got a text message with instructions, and there was no way back, I was in. I don’t know how it is now, but back then most people went via the Turkish-Syrian border. First they do a background check. They look into everything: Who you are, where you’re from, who you know, etc. Two weeks later the background check was finished. I got my mobile back, but not my passport. Then a trafficker took me to the border. Through a minefield...He led the way and of course he knew the path. But...I wasn’t so sure about it anyway. 10:15:08:24 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) Addai often went to visit his father in Africa during the school holidays. And I can remember when I was there with Addai, that he always wanted to sit next to him, and I was a bit jealous, because I thought, I do all the work, and this child wants to be with his father. He is actually...begging to be hugged, but there was never really any response. And when he went to school in Africa for a year, they hardly saw each other at all. He would be with his grandmother but not with his father. And the last time he flew over there, saying he will spend the next two or three years in Africa where he wanted to work. He called me after only three weeks saying, “Send me a return-ticket, I want to come home.” And I was really sad to hear when he said: “He looked at me as if I wasn’t welcome.” 10:16:37:00 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) If you come from an intact society like Germany, you really can’t relate to what it’s like there. Suddenly you have this 360-degree perspective and find yourself in the middle of a war zone. (On screen text: Original Text from email conversations between Addai and his mother) dear mum, people here need my help more than in germany .. not everyone can stay at home and sleep peacefully with everything that’s going on at the moment. and if anything should happen to me you’ll be notified inshallah. But let’s not always talk about the same thing. what else is new? is it still warm over there? say hello to auntie Hilde for me 10:17:47:07 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) I was homesick, missed my family and just wanted to leave. But you don’t talk about that openly. And I bet my ass many of us, or even most, had their doubts. But you have to hide your feelings, because everyone knows what happens to comrades who doubt the cause or want to go home. I actually did want to tell Addai that I had my doubts. But I couldn’t admit it. When I finally found the courage, I did ask him. And he replied very diplomatically and said this is a good thing but not what he imagined it would be. Which is exactly what I would have said. I always told my family I was doing alright. Alhamdulillah. And wrote that everything was great. We would always write, because if you talk on the phone you quickly become emotional and it’s difficult to stay strong. You have to build a wall around yourself. There were these two guys, I had seen them before, they were in our unit, and they were hit by a bomb. Yes, it was a matter of luck. Well, I was selected to be sent to Germany to do some errands. When I was arrested, I was initially relieved, and thought at the time, I’ll be locked up for a few days then they’ll let me go and I’ll have a good excuse for not going back. I wanted to take Addai with me, or at least suggest he could come along, but I was too afraid I then wouldn’t be allowed to go. I had to look out for myself. That’s the reason why I often have such a bad conscience about Addai. 10:21:42:11 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) It was very strange. He appeared to me in a dream. It was exactly like turning on a TV, and suddenly, like with the newsreader, he was there, very clear, with this sad expression on his face. And at first I thought, am I angry? Or not? Because at the same time I was also furious. And all this grief and so on. But then I went towards him and hugged him, and he became smaller and smaller and then the image vanished. Three months after he disappeared in the first place, I got the news that he was already dead. Then came a long phase where I just sat by the window and it was like I was paralysed. It went on for weeks. I thought, whatever it is, take me there as well, because...I had such longing. And I couldn’t actually imagine to ever live again. 10:23:11:18 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) I was already in prison when I heard about Addai’s death. It’s usually the case that the parents are notified if someone dies. They get an official letter with a photo, saying he died a martyr’s death, is now in paradise, etc. And... there wasn’t one in Addai’s case. 10:23:38:13 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) To me, at least, this is a sign that something must have happened there which had to be covered up. I’m pretty certain, because someone else who was there had called his mother... Who’s also dead now. But he told his mother on the phone, people had talked over there, about how someone had been shot in a psychotic episode. At some stage I finally gave up going to that mosque over and over again because I finally realised I won’t get any answers. It’s pointless. No one wants to tell me anything there. When I contacted Ilias’ lawyer, I hoped he’d write back to me. Ilias was the first person I met who spoke openly to me. That was a new experience because before that there had just been this blockage. Everyone kept on beating around the bush. But from his first letter on he at least indicated that he was happy to meet me. 10:25:27:18 ILIAS (re-enacted interviews based on original interview transcripts with Ismail Issa) I was extremely nervous and tense beforehand. And I was really afraid, too. I didn’t know what to expect. I thought she might blame me, or she would be angry because I am here and her son is not. She didn’t know how to approach me, she probably thought I was still strictly religious and refused all physical contact with women. But to prove to her that all that lies behind me, I took her hand with both of mine to greet her. 10:26:21:04 ADDAI’S MOTHER (original interview footage) You compare things to your own experience. At a certain age, everything is shitty and difficult. In 2, 3 or 4 years, everything would have been different. And then this wonderful person, if only he had gotten out of there all right, he could have still had a wonderful life. On-screen text for Addai, whom I miss