When was the last time you tried getting brunch with a vegan? At like a normal, everyday, our-Bloody-Mary-tastes-a-bit-too-much-like-ketchup charming restaurant with charmingly poorly shaded outdoor seating? My guess is never. Because that’s pretty specific, I guess. But mostly because it doesn’t go well. You’ll get there, you’ll sit in the blazing sun, you’ll order your poached eggs over a trough of polenta and then the waitress will turn to your vegan dining companion.

Vegan Friend: I’ll have the salad, please. Waitress: [soft shoulder squeezing your friend] Oooo, we just ran out of salad. Vegan Friend: …

Wait. You just what? You ran out of salad? The item on the menu that is literally just “leafy greens and vinaigrette” and it’s only 2pm and that is clearly the worst thing on the menu and you ran out of salad?

Your vegan dining companion will most certainly relent to ordering the most harmless side available. Cooked in oil, not butter please. And if you weren’t balls deep in an unconquerable amount of polenta, you’d feel a little bad for him.

So this not-running-out-anytime-soon Vegan Greek salad is dedicated to that vegan pal of yours. The one who missed the big brunch rush on leafy greens. The one who ate some carrots and potato hash. Cooked in oil. And that’s it.

A note about the “vegan feta” before you go out of your way to remind me that tofu is hardly feta: Vegan Feta is one of those things I’ve been wanting to make for awhile. After Pinteresting the fuck out of it, turns out it’s super easy to make and pretty tasty. And while it’s hardly even remotely passable as the real thing texture-wise, it’s visually decieving as such and brings satisfyingly similar flavors to the Greek salad cause. Hey, it’s the though that count, right? At least it’s not motherfucking carrots and potatoes. Your vegan dining companion should be so lucky!

VEGAN GREEK SALAD

serves…4? Let’s go with 4.

vegan feta recipe adapted from Hail Merry

ingredients:

VEGAN FETA

12-14 ounces extra firm tofu, dried within an inch of it’s tofu life

¼ cup white wine vinegar

2 tablespoons water

2 teaspoons olive oil

2 teaspoons lemon juice

1½ tablespoons Nutritional Yeast

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1 teaspoon dried basil

1 teaspoon salt

ground black pepper

SALAD

A bag or two of mixed greens

some olives

cucumber slices

red onion slices

slices of red belle peppers? why the fuck not.

banana peppers

I’m sorry, we’re out of blood. Can I just get you a Mary?

You know that insanely dried firm tofu? Cut it into little half inch cubes and dry it some more. Set aside. To dry more. Significantly more.

Whisk together the remaining vegan feta ingredients put the dried tofu cubes in a Tupperware, cover with the liquid mixture, and refrigerate for at least an hour. The longer the better. Also? That’s what she said. Also? I hate myself.

Put the salad ingredients in a bowl. I’m embarrassed to have to tell you that. Top with the feta, using the marinade as a light dressing for the whole shebang.

Call your vegan dining companion. He hasn’t eaten in days.

NUTRITION

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