Wine cordoned off and guarded by police at Rosmead Pick n Pay

The South African Government has recently been praised around the world for their swift and decisive action towards containing this pandemic that has overwhelmed the healthcare systems of so many countries. With under a thousand cases, they closed their borders and ordered a total and complete lockdown. They banned anything and everything deemed “non-essential” from puzzles and gardening supplies to can openers and extension cords. Thankfully, they have walked back restrictions on the latter two. Seriously, though, why can’t we have puzzles?

But along with the restrictions against jogging, dog walking, and leaving your house for anything but groceries or medicine came two restrictions no other country outside of Africa has yet to implement: the ban of alcohol and cigarettes.

The only possible explanation for the cigarette ban I can imagine is that this disease tends to be more deadly in smokers, but I think we can all agree a smoker’s lungs aren’t going to heal from a decade of smoking in a few weeks, not to mention the increased aggravation that comes with nicotine withdrawal in an already incredibly stressful time. This is utterly stupid and pointless. Moving on.

Unlike cigarettes, I fully understand the spirit of the alcohol ban. Alcohol can lead to violence — especially when people are living ten-deep in a two-room shack. And South Africa, without question, has both a drinking problem and a violence problem. But the sad reality is domestic violence cases are on the rise both here and around the world, exacerbated likely by alcohol, but also by addiction, aggravation, isolation, and joblessness. Can we say how many abuses are avoided due to sobriety versus how many are caused by frustration with that same sobriety? And plenty of abusers here are still managing to get their hands on the sauce regardless.

On top of this sense of powerlessness, many addicts are likely experiencing significant withdrawal syptoms. They may be spending even more of their money to get the booze they need to survive. They may be turning to harder drugs that are more readily available on black markets that were well-oiled machines before the lockdown. They may be brewing hooch in their houses that could end up blinding or even killing them. Shit, even Constantia moms are probably cooking up a batch of wine in the yard as we face indefinite bans. Why is there no more yeast at the Woolies, Karen? But this is far from the main point.

If prohibition in the United States has taught us anything, it’s that people are going to get booze. Except now they have to leave their homes, commit crimes, and congregate at illegally-operating shebeens to do so. Banning alcohol will always save some lives, but it will also always cost some others. If prohibition were such a panacea, it would have worked. This human calculus is exactly why countries don’t do it. Our fedora-wearing, teetotaling Police Minister hopes for a future where alcohol and cigarettes are banned forever, and I laugh in American when I think of how much more crime prohibition created in America.

Already, dozens of liquor stores have been looted, both in spontaneous riots and planned burglaries. Three days ago, a man killed two shop owners who wouldn’t sell him cigarettes. The police themselves are already helping to fuel the illegal alcohol trade. Now that the taxis are mostly shut down, what do you think the gangs are doing? Overall, violent crime is down, yes, but is that because people are sober (they aren’t) or because 95% of the country is sitting at home? In other relatively violent countries with lockdowns but no alcohol bans, they are also seeing dramatic decreases in murders. In the U.S., which has seen a 55% increase in alcohol sales, we have also seen crime — both violent and property based — drop across the board. To the tune of more than 60% in some cities.

The police here are spending seemingly endless, valuable resources stopping the movement and consumption of alcohol. Couldn’t they instead target those resources at people abusing alcohol, breaking the quarantine, and hurting one another? And maybe, just maybe, stop beating people to death because they found a beer in their fridge while they’re at it?

The majority of the country wants to be good and stay in their homes. We are doing our best. For those of us blessed enough to afford food, shelter, and a bottle of wine, our hearts are breaking for the millions in this country who are more scared of starvation than any disease. But from rich to poor we still have no outlets through which to process this unprecedented uncertainty. We cannot walk. We cannot jog. Our dogs are shitting in our houses. Quarantine fatigue is real. I realize I am coming from a place of extreme privilege in that I do have a home and food (and a few bottles left in the stash). But millions of us who aren’t struggling physically, are still struggling mentally. We may not be starving, but we have lost jobs and income and we aren’t sure what our lives will look like on the other side of all this.

Alcohol isn’t just a devil that plagues violent minds, nor is it only a coping mechanism for those with a few threads left to hang on to. Having a few beers with a braai gives us a small sense of normalcy in this otherwise insane reality we have been thrown into. We celebrate with alcohol, whether birthdays or anniversaries; yes, we use it to cope, but it is also a part of our South African culture that you can’t dismiss offhand because some do abuse it. Tens of millions of us don’t.

So can you please — pretty fucking please — just let us have a glass of wine and a smoke (and maybe a puzzle) while we #staythefuckhome? Give us a small semblance of normalcy — and let us cope — while we ride out what is sure to be the most stressful and least certain time in our lives. One that will likely go on for months to come.