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When people think of gamers, they don’t often think of Christians. And it’s true—many modern games are infested with sinful demonic imagery or homosexual elves (while it’s okay for an elf to have homosexual feelings, it’s not okay to act on them). So when I read about gamers around the world paying $30 for a bottle of Belle Delphine’s bathwater, I went to her site and spent a great deal of time contemplating how the Devil had taken her by the hand and led her smooth body astray. It’s a tragedy. As a Christian gamer, I only drink my wife’s bathwater.

When I stood up in front of God and my community, I pledged to drink my wife’s bathwater in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live. I do occasionally get violently ill, but I like to think of that as the lord purging me of my wickedness.

How it works.

My wife and I follow the “Billy Graham bathwater rule.” I am never alone with water another woman has bathed in unless I myself am carrying a thermos full of my beautiful wife Millie’s sweat juice in my GOD LOVES ME, FISH FEAR ME thermos. This has made our annual Schlitterbahn trips run a lot smoother.

But like any Christian gamer, I feel temptation. Sin is always knocking at the door, waiting with a snifter of a beautiful Japanese woman’s sweat. But not a DROP shall reach my tongue, even if my wife is currently denying me her potent ambrosia because I criticized the density of her frog eye salad at the Easter barbecue.

One time, at my family’s yearly ranch retreat, we were hot tubbing with another couple (don’t worry, we were all fully dressed). And as much as I may have thought about dipping my head down and lapping up that adulterous, sunscreen-scented liquor, I begged the Lord to help me remain pure. And God rained his blessings upon us, because my wife got pregnant in that hot tub, which I had previously believed was impossible after a doctor told me my sperm “could not even make it through the first level of Asteroids, metaphorically speaking.”

Remember, it’s a beautiful and sacred thing when a man drinks from his beloved spouse’s bathtub within the covenant of marriage. Make sure your wife knows you appreciate the flavor and turbulence of her bathwater.

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Images: Pexels

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