I’ll begin where I believe I should: with a disclaimer.

I had the greatest parents growing up. I was one of the lucky ones. I have not experienced this behavior first-hand, but as a former special education teacher I have taught students who have been in and out of the system in part because of it. I have had long-term relationships with friends and significant others whose lives were damaged over it, and I have spoken to far too many more who shared their own frequently horrific stories. I am not a licensed therapist of any stripe. Though years ago I completed a comprehensive course load in Abnormal Psychology towards my college degree, the thoughts that follow are based on observation, and not intended as any sort of diagnosis or therapy.

I am not in that position.

The term, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, came to me as a result of a casual internet search. Damn if things didn’t clarify from there.

On the one hand, I know nothing as I have not suffered any of these horrors myself. On the other, when one breaks into tears following an innocent remark — “Your hair is beautiful,” or “I appreciate your kindness,” or “I think you’re a great person” — it is safe to consider that the reason behind the tears may well be something more than a simple sensitivity to flattery.

About NPD

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is popularly defined as “one who suffers from a lack of empathy for others while requiring an ongoing need for admiration and love.” According to a February 28, 2016 article in Psychology Today by Preston Ni, M.S.B.A., the most frequent dynamic when this disorder is present on the part of the parent is characterized by “marginalizing competition with the offspring.” Such a parent typically considers the child a threat, and, according to Ni, “coerces the offspring to exist in the parent’s shadow, with unreasonable expectations. In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is rarely loved just for being herself or himself.”

As opposed to common parental pride, or even Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (MSBP) — whereby a person under another’s care is convinced by the guardian of suffering from a made-up illness, typically psychological in nature — the child of a narcissistic parent is frequently the victim of projection of the parent’s fears, resentments, and failed goals. Such projection causes a loss of self on the part of the child, or adult offspring, that can last a lifetime.

It is not uncommon for the offspring to consider themselves physically or emotionally abused, or even “scarred for life.” Though this perception is most often objective reality, the depths of such abuse — and the damage caused — can be impossible to ascertain.

When one compliments a scapegoat, it is often difficult for them to believe the kind words regardless of source as the narcissistic party, even if long deceased, has created a barrier.

“I’m not used to being spoken to like that,” the scapegoat may say. “I’m not used to people saying nice things about me.” Some may even find positive comments distasteful, and consider those who give them to be lying for their own personal gain.

Signs of a sufferer (the victim) can include:

low self-esteem;

a habitual compulsion to explain their past in an effort to be understood;

trust issues;

anger issues;

lack of emotional control;

easily-triggered;

an ongoing need to meet the parent’s or parents’ expectations, even if they are deceased;

chronic depression issues, including suicidal ideation;

a highly-critical perspective of themselves and others.

Again, erring on the side of responsibility, I am not a psychologist. Responsibly, I can advise anyone who suffers from any of the above signs, who has had a tenuous relationship with their parents, to research NPD and seek help if appropriate.

Friends and family members who were not party to the abuse will all-too-often perceive the sufferer as simply being overly emotional. Other misconceptions include:

that the root cause of the sufferer’s disturbing emotional condition is an invention for attention;

that the sufferer can simply “get over it” if they wanted to;

that they are addicted to “drama” for drama’s sake;

that they are blowing up issues “out of proportion” to the triggering event;

that confronting the narcissistic party, if still alive, will solve the issue.

A sufferer understands that interpersonal relationships can be difficult. Those engaged in a personal relationship with a sufferer require a strong degree of sympathy, or even empathy.

And one more thing. In my own experience speaking to victims of parents with NPD, many wear their hearts of their sleeves. Cliche aside, there is an acute positive to that tendency. Many of these individuals are big-hearted and strive to be loved for who they are. Just like anyone else.

Never dismiss anyone, whether a romantic interest or a potential friend, who says they have suffered such abuse. Take the time and listen. Open your heart.

You may have stumbled upon a relationship that will be unerring in its honesty, and you just may become a better person for it.