A lot of my readers for some weird reason seem to think that awards are terribly important, despite the fact that they’re obviously not. But hey – logic and reasoning, fuck that, right? So it’s in this spirit that I now bring to you the first annual…

Let’s roll out the red carpet and get this party started with nine important awards for achievement in various fields of k-pop!

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Park Bom (2NE1) – smuggling some of that Candy Jelly Love and getting away with it

Sulli (f(x)) – has hiatus from f(x) to go nightclubbing, something 99.9% of netizens have never done

Taeyong (SM Rookie) – being a scumbag, agency says they will work to make him grow as an artist

T-ara – for doing nothing much except successfully getting on with business and being hated anyway

…and the winner is:

T-ARA

As if I was going to give the first one of these awards to anybody else. The reason why they win it is simple – they may not have generated the most Korean netizen tears this year, but unlike the other nominees, they didn’t actually do anything specific this year to generate any. The true masters of making Korean netizens cry like dumb little bitches, T-ara no longer have to even try – all T-ara have to do to keep Korea’s precious crybabies on their keyboards complaining these days is to get up each morning and go to work. Maybe not even that – just saying the name T-ara alone is enough to throw the Internet’s #1 spoiled little babies into a dummy-spitting nappy-soiling tizzy.

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Kemy (A.KOR) – calling out 2NE1’s Park Bom as a plastic surgery druggie shielded by her record label

Sulli (f(x)) – has hiatus from f(x) to go nightclubbing, are armchair stay-at-home fatties jealous much

Luhan (EXO) – kicking sad EXO fans when they were down by leaving EXO right after Kris leaving EXO

Jessica – (Girl’s Generation) – leaving SNSD and turning the Divine Nine into The Hateful Eight

…and the winner is:

KEMY (A.KOR)

For all the other people listed, defenders of the individuals were as numerous as their haters, but nearly everyone hated Kemy for calling out Park Bom’s drug-smuggling ways in a rap, as well as taking shots at the power of YG Entertainment to keep her scandal covered up and minimise the impact to her career.

To top it all off, she delivered her rap verse with the kind of lyrical skill and wit that YG artists have always been hyped to have but almost never delivered. While I think being an anti-drugs rapper kind of sucks, I think being a stupid YG fangirl sucks even more, so I’ll pick the lesser of the two evils and Kemy therefore gets my vote of support.

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Zico (Block B) – swearing a lot in a rap song and upsetting faggot bitches

Tymee – dissing Jolly.V on a track and then forgetting her lines onstage in a rap battle against her

Bobby (Ikon) – explaining how hip-hop is all about hanging out with your friends after not showering

Swings – for being Swings

…and the winner is:

BOBBY (IKON)

Here he is presumably after a basketball game which means that he’s very sweaty and probably hasn’t showered yet, which is very hip-hop. Another hip-hop activity Bobby is known for is dissing idol rappers for being idol rappers when you’re an idol rapper yourself and therefore don’t have much of a (presumably sweaty and unwashed) leg to stand on. At least Kemy probably isn’t a druggie (yet – give her a few years). Anyway naturally Bobby got served. Poor Bobby.

THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Pritz – wearing girly play-Nazi costumes and upsetting sensitive westerners

CL (2NE1) – sampling a miniscule portion of the Koran and upsetting sensitive easterners

Red Velvet – using WWII news clippings to highlight the pointlessness of war and upsetting sensitive Japanese, also Wendy bonus parodies

Zico (Block B) – swearing a lot in a rap song like every other rapper ever and upsetting faggot bitches

…and the winner is:

ZICO (BLOCK B)

As you can see, Zico was sure to fill his bathtub with cookies, because bathing in water makes you clean and that just isn’t hip-hop. Zico knows what hip-hop is, and he also knows how to be an erudite, culturally aware person.

In “Tough Cookie” he gave a friendly and inclusive shout out to gay people and to females with his now-iconic “faggot bitch” line, and was also careful to showcase the US confederate flag (I didn’t even notice it but apparently it’s in the video somewhere) to generate awareness and discussion of US heritage, the American Civil War and black slavery among the k-pop community, which it definitely did. Pity the song was offensive anyway just by virtue of being some atrocious disgusting trap-beat yoloturd, but at least he tried to be culturally sensitive to make up for the musical shortfall. Isn’t that right, Netizenbuzz.

THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FANGIRL CRITICAL THINKING 2014

Nominees:

Kim Hyun Joong (SS501) – beats up his partner, gets away with it, his fans rally behind him

Seo Jisoo (Lovelyz) – victimised with obviously fabricated “bully evidence“, everybody believes it anyway

Jessica (Girl’s Generation) – leaving SNSD which obviously means that she’s a selfish bitch

Sulli (f(x)) – has hiatus from f(x) to go nightclubbing, what a cao ni ma

…and the winner is:

KIM HYUN JOONG (SS501)

Look at that adorable smile, probably taken ten seconds before he smacked the shit out of the person behind the camera for not adjusting the focus properly. This award represented the toughest competition of the lot (as fangirls aren’t too critical generally speaking) but Kim Hyun Joong proved that he has what it takes to rise above the competitors and come out on top, by being stanned and adored by fangirls even in the face of both a confession AND medical evidence that he beat his partner. If you don’t believe me, go search for #kimhyunjoong on Twitter, right now. Good luck finding anything negative.

THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2014

Nominees:

Gain (Brown Eyed Girls) – for being “classy sexy” in a MV

Chaness – for being “classy sexy” in a MV

Kim Hyun Joong (SS501) – for being “classy sexy” in real life

Aron (NU’EST) – believes in the “bro code”

…and the winner is:

ARON (NU’EST)

Eww, Aron believes in the Bro Code. That’s disgusting. It’s also really unimportant. So let’s use this space for something else. Did you know that in the islands off the southwest coast of South Korea, there’s a roaring slave trade, and that homeless and intellectually disabled people are kidnapped and sent there to work on salt farms for 18 hours a day for little or no pay while they are living and sleeping in rags and often physically abused? Plus the authorities know about it and don’t give a fuck because they’re mostly in on it and besides, nobody wants to deal with the responsibility of caring for disabled people? Hey, Kpopalypse taught you stuff! It’s better to learn new things than read about some idiot in Nu’est, right?

THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2014 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Nominees:

Red Velvet – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Pritz – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Sonamoo – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Lovelyz – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

…and the winner is:

SONAMOO

Pritz were hated because of the Nazi cosplay thing, Lovelyz got hate because of buttplug-insertion-friendly bullying rumours, Red Velvet got hate because their video had references to Japanese being nuked and press clippings called them “nips”, but Sonamoo? They’re getting hate because their lightstick is kind of like another group’s lightstick. There’s only so many shapes that work for a lightstick and colours in the colour wheel, with literally hundreds of groups there’s gonna be some overlap, but these dumb fangirl bitches know this. If there ever was a reason that screamed out “we just want an excuse – any excuse, just something, anything, so we can justify hating this new group of attractive girls” here it is.

THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2014 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Nominees:

Dahee (GLAM) – extortion of a celebrity for 5 billion won? I like that.

Bumkey – meth and ecstasy dealing underneath the squeaky-clean surface of k-pop? I’d just like to say that I called it.

Megan Lee – if you don’t like one contract, just sign a different one in another country! All aboard for hyper-litigation madness.

Luhan (EXO) – meanwhile Luhan says “hey Megan stop stealing my ideas!“

…and the winner is:

DAHEE (GLAM)

Look, she’s making a grab for your cash, watch out! Dahee had plans to extort the fuck out of actor Lee Byung Hun and then skip the country with 5 billion won (about 5 million US$) but instead she fucked up and got caught and apologised a dozen times… no, literally, a dozen times. Maybe she figures that if one apology has got a one in a million chance of getting her off and getting some money eventually, twelve apologies has twelve times the chance. I’m not sure if it actually works like that, but this girl’s determination to get hold of some dosh and wipe out that $250k trainee debt is certainly on another level.

THE KPOPALYPSE “IN MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS SEXY” AWARD FOR THE BEST UNDER-THE-RADAR OR “WHITE-COATER” SEXY CONCEPT IN 2014

Nominees:

Strawberry Milk for OK – what a cute concept, I’ll take four jugs today, thank you milkman

Lovelyz for Candy Jelly Love – it’s the best ever cum in my life

N.O.M for Nature Of Man – gay BDSM fetish club fashion pretending to be straight k-pop fashion so it can sneak under the MOGEF with a 15+ rating

Apink for LUV – they’ve never looked more fuckable, yet supposedly this is a “cute” concept

…and the winner is:

APINK

I’ve never been huge about any of the Apink girls, to the annoyance of my ask.fm anons who continue to ask me 76 questions about what I think of each of them daily – sorry but I delete most of those questions now because there’s only so many times I can type “meh”. I’m also not wild about “Luv” as a song – it’s certainly okay, maybe a little above average for 2014 but nothing outstanding, certainly not the shot in the arm that Apink have always needed to propel them to SNSD-at-their-peak heights but never quite gotten from any songwriters since debut. The video is something else though.

Same almost-upskirt angles as any AOA video, same short short skirts and pants too (AOA’s “miniskirts” are actually longer and show less skin!), same vaginal-lips-shade-of-pink porno-lipstick, but because they’ve got one or two extra frills on their clothing and the song is bouncy and bright this gets under the radar of fangirls as cute and non-threatening. There’s even a scene in this at 1:04 where one of the girls jacks off her horny boyfriend on a park bench. Also I like polka-dotted tops and cardigans on girls so this video really does it for me, I might start biasing some Apink girls yet if they keep this up. Apink’s marketing is fucking genius, they know just what their male fans want to fap to.

Anyway, that’s it! Hopefully you’ve enjoyed these awards. I wrote this post because it was suggested a few times that I do something like this and I didn’t have any better ideas so fuck it. Hopefully you were entertained and learned something, or fapped. Kpopalypse will return soon with something completely different!