“Here in the South,” writes reader Bill Hoyt, “they say, ‘I’ve been to two county fairs and a road pavin’ but I ain’t never seen nuthin’ like that!’ ”

Thus we’re blessed that ESPN, which wasn’t around in 1969, could not own exclusive TV rights to the Apollo 11 lunar landing, 50 years ago Saturday.

Alex Rodriguez would have talked over Neil Armstrong’s “one small step,” Jessica Mendoza would have appeared in a split screen to describe how to throw a fastball in near-zero gravity, and Matt Vasgersian would’ve “sent it down to Earth” for Buster Olney’s take.

Booger McFarland would appear from Bristol for a show-and-tell comparing the lunar landing module to his “Monday Night Football” Rubber Booger Buggy.

It’s fascinating — as in dumbfounding — that ESPN remains eager to display must-read stats free of thought and significant context. It spends a ton of time, money and energy — but no intelligent examination — to produce absolutely meaningless or confused stats or hide significant data within.

Sunday, the Rays lost a two-pitcher perfect game on a ninth-inning leadoff hit by the Orioles’ Hanser Alberto. Soon, with the help of Statcast, ESPN was reporting that Alberto’s single through the infield “had just a 16 percent probability of being a hit.”

How do Statcast and ESPN know this? They don’t. It’s more untreated rubbish presented as fact. Not only have there never been two circumstances in any game that have been exactly the same, there have never been two moments in time exactly the same since the Dead Sea was just sick.

But rather than reflect upon its statistical lunacy, ESPN doubles its servings.

Last week, as many to most tennis fans knew, one of the most statistically revealing duels was renewed at Wimbledon, Roger Federer versus Rafael Nadal. They were meeting for the 40th time, and ESPN dutifully posted the stat that Nadal leads, 24-15. End of ESPN’s statistical story.

But Wimbledon is played on grass surfaces, on which Federer is 3-1 vs. Nadal. The great 24-15 divide in their series comes on clay surfaces, where Nadal is 14-2. But that didn’t make ESPN’s cut.

“Or wouldn’t it have been more important to also note that Federer has defeated Nadal in five of their last six matches?” asks reader Ken Ferber.

Then again, ESPN has reported the Jets beat “the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl III” and Bobby Thomson’s Shot Heard ’Round the World was “a walk-off home run to win the 1951 NLCS for the Giants.”

As for the men’s and women’s finals, if you tuned to ESPN primarily to hear endless talk about the self-evident and view crowd shots after every point, you were thrilled — over the moon by at least 16 percent.

‘Live’ coverage living in the past

Bud Selig continues to try to revise history on behalf of Bud Selig. Now he claims Hank Aaron and not BALCO Barry Bonds is his MLB career home run champ.

Odd, even after the Bonds steroid stuff hit the fan and the fans, Selig allowed team owners to hike ticket prices when the Giants, with Bonds, came to town.

But Selig always had his fingers on the purse, er, pulse of the game.

NBC’s Golf Channel on Thursday abandoned live British Open coverage for four consecutive minutes — though the graphic on the screen continued to read “LIVE” — to show lots of stuff on tape and another panorama of the course.

Then GC returned to show two ostensibly live shots — one by Tiger Woods — before bolting for five more minutes that included a feature encouraging us to watch the Open because it’s very special, followed by a long, needless chat between Dan Hicks and Paul Azinger.

GC finally returned to live golf — in time to show Woods’ next shot.

Sanchez an example of all-or-nothing hitters

Why would anyone who watches local teams be perplexed by Gary Sanchez’s batting slumps? He’s another new-standard, predominantly cheap home run or strikeout guy. He swings for home runs on 0-0 or 0-2 pitches.

Former MLB pitcher John Burkett, now 54 — he was 22-7 for the 1993 Giants — is averaging 211 on the Pro Bowlers Seniors tour (thanks to G. Cornell for this catch).

Riquina Williams of the WNBA’s L.A. Sparks, who was suspended 10 games for allegedly assaulting her ex-girlfriend and threatening another woman with a gun, was recruited to and played for the University of Miami, which still specializes in arrested male scholarship student-athletes.

Good, heads-up job by NBC’s Mike Tirico on Thursday, suddenly clamming up during British Open coverage so we could hear Jon Rahm, one back, and his caddy discuss Rahm’s shot into 18.

The first-place but fading Twins allowed the Mets to bust it open with six runs in the eighth Wednesday, starting when left fielder Eddie Rosario dropped an easy fly trying to one-hand it. Preventable? Of course. But so what?

Recall Reds excessive home plate home run poser Derek Dietrich, whose rank immodesty was on display early this season? He’s now batting a very modest .214, striking out in 36 percent of his at-bats.

Mike Francesa, asked by a caller to explain why anyone would care whom he likes to win the British Open, replied he has selected “four or five” golf winners this year. OK, big shot, forget five, name four — and no lost tapes! Go ahead!

The Cubs’ Javier Baez, even in postseason games, has shown an irreversible disinclination to run to first base. He dogs it. This week, the MLB Players Alumni Association named him the Cubs’ winner of its “Heart & Hustle Award.”

Rob Manfred I Love Kids Game of the Week: Saturday, Reds-Rockies. The 6:10 start was weather-delayed 3 hours and 10 minutes. It began at 9:20, ended at 1:12 a.m.

I do think it’s unfair that U.S. women’s soccer team players are paid less than Yoenis Cespedes.

By the way, what’s now in media fashion — questioning the Mets’ wisdom in naming agent Brodie Van Wagenen GM — wasn’t nearly as much at issue when he was hired. In fact, it met with much blind approval.

Fabulous piece Wednesday on MSG/NYRA’s “Saratoga Live”: sorta retired and still cherished race-caller Tom Durkin, so often heard on NBC, hosting one-hour tours of the trackside National Museum of Racing and Hall of Fame.

“Hello, honey? I’ve got bad news and good news.” Giants reliever Will Smith, in one inning Tuesday, allowed four hits and three earned runs. He was slapped with a blown save and rewarded with the win!

With Lance Armstrong contributing long distance to NBC/NBCSN’s Tour de France coverage, CNBC will soon add Bernie Madoff.

Happy 75th birthday, Smokey the Bear!