After Gamble and Rick’s dream beach wedding of the last episode, this week we’re at their wedding reception, where Gamble seems to have a particularly rose-coloured view of marriage for someone who’s been divorced:

“Oh my god, I’m Mrs Wolfe now — ALL my troubles are behind me!”

At the reception, Chyka coaxes Susie into sending a text to Marcello, a handsome Italian fellow who chatted her up at the pub the night before the wedding. “Should I send some emjois?” asks Susie.

Last week’s recap: ‘I don’t think Gina gives a s**t about Gamble’

Episode 4 recap: Janet’s on the prowl

“DON’T send emojis,” Chyka insists. Umm, Chyka, sometimes an artfully chosen ‘eggplant + dancing red dress lady + eggplant’ says more than words ever could.

Across the party, Janet’s ex-husband Brian — aka Australia’s randiest septuagenarian — is getting himself into trouble.

“You’re horny all the time, what is with that?” asks Lydia, no doubt sensing a kindred spirit.

Brian then starts banging on about the ‘happy endings’ he received during massages while he was on holiday with Janet. Vom vom vom.

“Brain’s very sexual, but in a very … old man way,” says Lydia, who it appears DOES have limits.

Here’s how Brian justifies enjoying his little holiday ‘happy endings’ while his wife was mere metres away:

“She was built like a Turkish wrestler, she was tampering around, I get an erection, and she says ‘Can I help you?’”

The housewives are stunned into silence — except for Jackie who, speaking on behalf of Australia, lets out a quiet ‘Ew.’

Over dinner, the Wolfes share some adorable speeches, with best man Luke welcoming his new stepmother to the family.

“It’s no secret that I wasn’t Gamble’s biggest fan in the beginning,” he says. Don’t worry — THERE IS MORE.

“But she came into our family and made it so much better.”

Gamble saves especially sweet words for Luke, too: “If I could’ve dreamt up a son in my wildest dreams you’re the perfect, perfect son. I don’t have my own son — you’re it.”

“Luke’s my boy now, and his father’s the most beautiful man that I’ve ever known,” Gamble says, sitting contentedly with her new family.

If that’s all a bit sincere and emotional for you, fear not, because after dinner, Janet and Chyka sit down with Gina to confront her about the goings-on of the previous evening.

Gina’s sticking to her story that she retired early the previous night to spend quiet family time with her sons — despite several other party guests reporting back to Gamble that she in fact lured them back to her room for a viewing of Celebrity Apprentice.

Three seasons in, we know Gina never likes to be confronted with her own misdoings, perceived or otherwise. You don’t have to be Jackie Gillies to sense that she’s not going to take this well.

Janet: “The problem is that-”

Gina: “THERE’S NO PROBLEM.”

Chyka: “…Gamble was disappointed.”

Gina: “WELL SHE DIDN’T TELL ME THAT AND I’M NOT A MIND READER.”

Defensive? Gina? YOU’RE DEFENSIVE SHUT UP.

The argument reaching a stalemate, Gina reaches for her ol’ trump card: dramatically flouncing off all sweary-like.

“How about you all go f**k yourselves,” she announces.

“I’m not doing this s**t — get f**ked.”

Post-wedding and back in Melbourne, Chyka’a daughter Chessie pop by to visit her mum.

Chessie, who’s studying Business Marketing at RMIT, is here to announce something: Higher Eductation is for chumps and she’s throwing it all in to join the circus. Or something.

“I just need to … I, like … I just don’t have any motivation at uni,” she whinges.

Coupled with her tears after scratching daddy’s car the other week, Chessie’s not exactly doing her bit to break down harmful stereotypes surrounding rich white girls.

“I just think uni’s bulls**t, to be honest. Have you gone to uni? It’s not fun. I’m just bored.

“I look at what they’re teaching me, and I’m like ‘I just don’t need it,’” she says — clearly someone’s had a sneak peek at Mum and Dad’s Will.

Across town, Janet and Susie arrive early for their double date with Christopher — the guy Janet’s dating when not flirting with her ex-husband — and Marcello, the Italian fella Susie met at the wedding who’s flown all the way from Byron especially (‘Marcello’ being Italian for ‘desperate’).

The girls establish a secret warning system to let each other know if they’re feeling uncomfortable during the date: a swift tug of the earlobe. Little does Susie know, she’ll be yanking at her ear so hard she’ll resemble a Housewife Vincent van Gogh by night’s end.

Their dates arrive, and Christopher, bless him, just seems a bit of a wet blanket.

Marcello, on the other hand: BABE. Babe and a half. Babe and three-quarters. Babe 2: Pig in the City.

We’ll be honest here, at this point in the episode we lost focus on the task at hand and just started lovingly compiling screenshots of Marcello to put into a special desktop folder for future perusal.

But wait — TWIST! — the hot ones are always duds, aren’t they (is a thing that we tell ourselves as we cry ourselves to sleep at night). Marcello might be easier on the eye than a big pizza pie (sorry), but his conversational skills aren’t up to much.

His first date banter is stilted, and it doesn’t help that he visibly recoils when Susie mentions the fact that she’s been married twice before.

Their entrees arrive — oysters.

“Oysters on a double-date can only cause trouble,” Janet announces lustily to the table, obviously believing the situation can be salvaged with a light fourgy.

Marcello, 38, casually tells Susie his last girlfriend was 24. “I’m … older than that,” she says hesitantly.

More food arrives, and Marcello starts sluicing it down his gullet, pasta sauce all over his stubble. It’s a pretty graphic display, and Susie’s getting more uncomfortable by the minute.

Asked what he looks for in a woman, Marcello then signs his death warrant:

“There’s different type of girls … there’s sex material … there’s girls you’d be keen to have sex with, then you’ve got the girl you don’t find that attractive, but you want her as a partner in your life.”

*Cut to Susie ripping her own ear off*

As Marcello continues with his deeply evolved theory that women fit into one of two categories — slags ya shag or fuggos you bring home to meet mum — Susie decides to call it a night.

“Oh, oh dear, I think I have to go home, the kids are……. having a party,” she says, and with that, she and Janet both scarper, leaving Christopher and Marcello to finish dinner together.

“I really do hope our paths never cross again,” she says.

OOH THEY SHOULD WHEEL HIM OUT ON THE REUNION EP!

Finally this week, we’re at Gina’s, where she’s throwing a birthday party for her son Miles. Shout-out here to Gina’s mum Anita, who looks like she could be her sister — largely because the pair share a love of settling on a hairstyle that’s worked for them, lacquering it firmly into place, then leaving it to set for 25 years.

Pettifeur and Lydia are in attendance at the family lunch for some reason — mainly so they can corner Gina in the kitchen and once more dredge up the details of her Celebrity Apprentice viewing party. Gina of course still won’t admit any wrongdoing, and gives them this classic Ginaface when they suggest Gamble was quite hurt by her behaviour:

“My priority was to have dinner with my boys. If a friend thinks that’s unreasonable, then is she really a friend? I don’t know,” says Gina.

“If she does question our friendship, then I will tell her categorically that I’m not in it.” A very mature and reasoned response from Gina there, setting us up for more fireworks in the next episode.

NEXT WEEK: Chyka throws a lavish Middle Eastern-themed dinner for the ladies — but it’s all too much for Jackie and Pettifleur, who spend the dinner screaming at each other. YAAAAS.

Real Housewives of Melbourne screens Sundays 8:30pm on Foxtel’s Arena Channel, and we’ll have our recap up as soon as it’s aired. In the meantime, chat all things Housewives with our recapper Nick Bond — who empathises with Gina, as he once skipped a friend’s wedding to watch his own appearance on Embarrassing Bodies — on Twitter at @bondnickbond.