Silence Wins All Prizes at Grammy Awards

Jan 29, 2018

Citing “please just shut up, all of you, there’s too much noise,” silence—the sound of sweet sweet silence—has won all the awards at the 60th Grammy Awards show Sunday.

This includes:

Record of the year

Album of the year

Song of the year

Best new artist

Best pop solo performance

Best pop duo/group performance

Best rock performance

Best rock album

Best rap performance

Best rap album

Best country song

Best country album

Best rap/sung performance

& Best comedy album

“Don’t get me wrong,” said The Recording Academy president Neil Portnow, “we love music, artists, autotune, and secret committees; but please just shut up for a second. I’m trying to get some peace here. There’s so much noise.”

In a surprise move, a special lifetime achievement award was given out to Cosmic Background Radiation. Japanese artist Merzbow presented the award, thanking Cosmic Background Radiation for nearly 14 billion years of steady microwave background noise, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even before a day was a day.

During its speech, Cosmic Background Radiation accepted the award and called upon the audience to please take a moment of silence.