WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us that the once-cyclical nature of the markets has stabilized, and the booming economic growth, low unemployment rates, and manageably slow rates of inflation that the country is currently enjoying are, in fact, unalterable and permanent,” said Herman Dale, lead author of the study, who noted that all marketplace uncertainty and instability are now behind us, as the current metastable economy will generate hundreds of thousands of new jobs and solid returns on all investments for the foreseeable future. “Americans can have complete confidence in obtaining mortgages, opening small businesses, and starting families, as this endless growth bubble is utterly unburstable. In fact, if everyone threw their money into stocks right now during our perpetual bull market, we’d all be millionaires in just a few short years.” At press time, Dale and his team retracted the report upon discovering a miscalculation and realizing the economy is actually on the brink of a devastating tailspin that will sink the entire country into a decades-long recession.

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