Last year was rough for me because I lost all my friends and had never been close to my family so I felt I had nobody and depression was hitting it's hardest,and this boy I met o a trip a couple years back popped up in my life again,we started talking a lot and I kind of liked him because I've always felt ugly and never thought someone could look at me for more than a friendship.He asked me out and I said yes,we went on a date and everything was good but I clarified to him that I am demisexual and didn't want to "rush" things to put it in a way.Next time he insisted to come watch a movie in my house and after some discussion I accepted,I never seemed to been able to say no to him,I felt a connection,I felt he was special and we could talk about things nobody else was interested in.That day we didn't watch a movie but listened to music,chat and I made dinner,then we sat on my bed to watch an old series and he kept touching me,and I would take out his hand of my legs or shorts playfully saying to concentrate on the film but he kept on,and I was really fucking nervous and scared because I had never been intimate with anyone so I ended up letting him do what he wanted. We had relations,it was my first time and was clearly uncomfortable and didn't want to do it but because he insisted so much and wouldn't give in I fucking did it,fucking hell. I didn't think much about it at the time but I felt bad and guilty because I "let him down" for not being enthusiastic or taking the initiative or anything,but afterwards we just kept chatting and so,and I'd ask him to hang out or something,to continue our relationship but he started ghosting me more and more, saying how busy he was,until he stopped replied to me. It didnt down on me that he could have taken advantage of how emotionally unstable I was to get what he wanted and I feel awful,I feel used and abused,I hate it and I fucking hate him for not saying anything like "I don't want to see you anymore or something" I fucking hate everything,now sex is ruined even more for me and I feel like I can't tell anyone about this because is not an explicit case of rape,I just hate everything so much