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Report: God Cares More About Your Team Winning Than Anything Else In The World

A team of the most renowned theologians in the world gathered in Hamburg, Germany this week to discuss the importance of your favorite team as it relates to God’s plan for humanity have confirmed that the Lord does, in fact, care about nothing more than your team winning the big game.

The report stated that prayers said to God for your favorite team to absolutely decimate the other team in this week’s big match up was the most important thing God will ever have to do, and therefore, God will most likely ignore other less important prayers like those for family, world peace, and an end to abortion, so that he could exclusively focus on helping your team score more points than their opponents. It also added that, though others may have requests from God during this time, he will only be dabbling with prayers here and there depending on how well your team is doing.

“It really depends on if everything is going well,” lead theologian Pope Benedict XVI told EOTT. “If things are going well, he may have time to hear a select number of prayer during commercial breaks and half time. Other than that, though, it’s probably best to fend for yourselves. Critical prayers for individuals that are not associated with your favorite team are being asked to be diverted to saints that, at the end of the day, may or may not give a crap, depending on how closely it relates to your team.”

The report concluded with a message indicating that those praying for the opponent can go to hell.