It’s fucking April

BROOKLYN, NY — While the April snowfall has most of New York City angrily trudging through the whitened streets while thinking about which salad place they’ll go to for lunch, one woman in Brooklyn has decided to greet this late-season anomaly with a good attitude and one last pot of chili. “This time of year, I’d normally be cooking asparagus and fresh peas, or at least thinking about it,” says the woman, who can often be found shopping for such items at the farmers’ market before realizing they’d be 1/4 of the price at the supermarket. “But this year, winter just won’t end. So I’ll keep making winter meals…I guess?”

Says a neighbor, “I thought that was chili I smelled, but after the nice weather this weekend, I figured it must be something else. When I first caught a whiff of what she was cooking, I was still in that 50 degree state of mind so I guess I assumed she was making tacos?”

“Chili? Wow,” says one local who’s vowed to eat only season non-specific pasta dishes until spring finally arrives. “I bet it really hits the spot on a day like today, but I mean…it’s April! I just can’t imagine eating, much less cooking chili this time of year. When I was a kid, we were eating primaveras by now.”

Says the woman, “Listen, I know it seems crazy, especially since it was so nice yesterday, but when I woke up and saw all that snow this morning, suddenly all I could think about was meat and beans stewed in tomatoes and chili. The stomach wants what the stomach wants, and when it’s snowing, my stomach wants a hearty chili with sour cream on top. That’s just the way it is.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with it,” says a local man who doesn’t eat produce and therefore consumes no season-specific foods. “Food is food and chili is food and people eat food. You know?”

While many don’t know what that man is talking about, many across the city admire the woman’s ability to live in the present. “Me? I can’t get it out of my head that it’s April,” says a friend. “Here I am making all these springy egg dishes, which are frankly unsatisfying in this kind of weather. But she’s able to see snow and accept that it’s still winter, which is one of the things I’ve always loved most about her. I think we’re all trying to get to that place, in one way or another. That’s why I meditate.”

Though aware of both her supporters and her skeptics, the woman insists her decision to make chili “isn’t that big of a deal.” Says she, “If I’m being perfectly honest, there’s probably some part of me that’s hoping this pot of chili signals to winter that it’s time to fuck off because I want spring to come just as badly as the next person. But as long as it’s snowing, I’m going to want to eat hearty, liquidy meals. That’s just who I am, and I refuse to believe I’m the only one.”

Whatever their opinion of the woman’s culinary choices, it seems everyone can agree on one thing: this better be the last fucking pot of chili anyone feels compelled to make until fall. Said one man defiantly wearing shorts in the snow, “It’s April for fuck’s sake! No one should feel the need to make chili, or if for some crazy ass reason they do, they should at least be able to eat it outside.” The man then stomped away in his gigantic boots, his exposed legs collecting the snowflakes that continued to fall.