10 Surefire Ways to Know You’re Owned by an English Bulldog

Owning an English Bulldog is like the gift that keeps on giving. Like belonging to some secret society that nobody else quite gets, but other English Bulldog owners are fully attune to.

You think just owning a dog in general is a special thing. And it absolutely is.

But owning an English Bulldog — well, that’s a privilege all on its own. And do you know what’s even better? Having that English Bulldog own you.

Because those of us who are a part of this elite club know for a fact it’s the other way around: You don’t own an English Bulldog. They own you.

Think you might be owned by an English Bulldog? Well, take a look at these 10 tell tale signs. Things that only a true bullie owner will know and appreciate.

1. Slobber is Everywhere — And You’re Okay With That

If you have slobber all over windows, doors, furniture, and clothing … then you know you’re owned by an English Bulldog.

Owning a dog has its unique house cleaning challenges, without a doubt. However, owning an English Bulldog is a separate concept all by itself.

Those droopy jowls and infamous underbites are the perfect receptacles for dispersing gooey slobber. And when they shake their heads, that slobber goes EVERYWHERE!

So be prepared for the constant wiping down of walls, windows, and doors. On a daily (if not hourly) basis.

2. You’ve Witnessed the Cuteness of English Bulldogs Suckling their Stuffie Toys

What is English Bulldog suckling? If you’re truly owned by an English Bulldog, then you have experienced this phenomenon. Bulldogs are such a unique and quirky breed. I’ve never heard of any other dog breed that suckles their toys.

And actually, it doesn’t have to just be stuffies. I’ve known English Bulldogs who suckle their pillows, their blankets, and even their beds. My big boy Gus likes to suckle his Lambchop stuffie until he falls asleep. And he also kneads it with his paws, as he’s holding it. It’s super cute to watch.

My little girl Layla will suckle her Snoopy toy, and kind of goes into a hypnotic trance while she’s doing it. I honestly believe this helps them both to relax, and promotes tranquility. Maybe it’s something of a stress reliever for them.

But one thing’s for sure. English Bulldogs cherish their collection of stuffies. And once they find that one best suckle toy, good luck getting it away from them.

Oh and by the way, you will definitely need to do that every once in a while. You’ll need to steal their stuffie away from them to throw it in the wash.

Why? Because those stuffies will begin to smell. (Ick.)

Here is a short video of my English Bulldog Gus suckling his Snoopy toy (Before Layla took ownership of it).

3. You Buy Toilet Wipes in Bulk

To go along with slobber cleanup, there is also some English Bulldog maintenance that occurs at the *ahem* other end. And if you are owned by an English Bulldog, then you know all about tail pockets.

But first let’s talk a little bit about a bullie’s tail. Cinnamon bun tails. Corkscrew tails. Curlicue tails. Cute little nubs that wiggle back and forth with their bums.

What do these all have in common? 1) They describe the backsides of English Bulldogs, and 2) they require some upkeep. Which means they need to be cleaned after … you know … your bullie does his business.

Due to the unique shapes of bullie tails, it can get messy back there. Also, sometimes the tail grows in a direction that’s too close in proximity to their body. Or specifically, their “tail pocket”, which is the underside of the tail.

This area can retain dirt and other yucky stuff, which can put an English Bulldog’s health at risk for infection. They can even develop painful abscesses which may result in surgery. Using a slightly moist bathroom wipe will make your bullie’s bum feel fresh and clean, and help avoid these preventable issues.

Also, you’ll want to make sure you keep this area dry, to avoid potential fungal infections. So be aware after giving your pal a bath, or taking them swimming. Their backside area requires extra special care!

4. You Know Wrinkle Paste Isn’t Meant for Crow’s Feet or Laugh Lines

Wrinkle Paste may sound like something you’d use to keep your face soft, supple, and smooth. But it’s not for you. It’s for your bullies and their many, many wrinkles. Having an English Bulldog means you need to care for their wrinkles. The deeper the wrinkle, the more care is required. Because bullie wrinkles attract dirt and retain moisture. And you know what we said about moisture, up above about the tail pockets? The same pertains to skin wrinkles. They can be a breeding ground for bacteria growth.

So using a small bit of wrinkle paste between prominent wrinkles (like near the eyes, or the nose) will help keep your English Bulldog’s wrinkly skin clean, dry, and healthy. Also be sure to keep lots of dry wipes on hand (like non-moisturizing tissues) to get between all of those nooks and crannies on their wrinkly faces.

5. You Follow Your Bullies Around With a Tape Measure

Do your English Bulldogs wonder why you follow them around with tape measures all the time? Well, if you are truly owned by an English Bulldog, then you know how hard it is to find clothing to fit them.

Okay, don’t give me that look — if you’re a bullie lover, then you have definitely bought some sort of clothing item for them. Whether it’s a football jersey from your favorite team, or a cute hoodie to keep them warm in the winter. And even a Halloween costume, which many dog lovers do in general.

But if you have an English Bulldog, then you know how unique their body shapes are. They’re super wide and stocky. They have tiny little bums, huge chests, and pretty large heads. How can you possibly buy a generic doggie t-shirt to fit their massive chests?

You totally cannot. At least not without some serious modifications. As a rule of thumb, I will always consult the online sizing chart and go two sizes larger, if possible. Then I get to work with a needle and thread, and start sizing down. And actually, something that works really well is sticky fabric tape or ironing tape.

6. You Know How to Interpret 20 Different Variations of a Grunt

English Bulldogs make some pretty funny noises. They essentially come from both ends — but we’re keeping this article suitable for polite company, so will stick with the front end only.

If you’ve ever been owned by an English Bulldog, then you know they grunt, snore, whine, and even howl. But their ability to grunt is truly a language all its own. Because bullies have a grunt for pretty much every situation, sensibility, and scenario.

Here are a few examples:

The “I’m hungry” grunt — Please give me the food you are putting into your mouth.

“I’m upset with you” grunt — You left me home alone all day while you went to that “work” place. How dare you?

“I want to play” grunt — Here is a tennis ball. Try to get it from me without losing a finger. Then throw it.

The “please move” grunt — You are sitting in my space on the couch. I’d appreciate if you’d move over to make room for me.

“Give me a treat” grunt — I know there are cookies up there on the table. I’d really like one. In fact, I deserve one. Or two.

The “I’m cold, please cover me” grunt — Could you do me a solid and hold up the blankie so I can crawl under and become a bulldog burrito?

“I’m sleepy” grunt — Can we just go upstairs to sleep on that big fluffy pillow-bed thing? I’m pooped.

“I’m happy” grunt — You’re the best English Bulldog mommy/daddy ever. *Sigh*

7. You Fall Asleep to the Sound of Snoring, and Simply Cannot Sleep Otherwise

Going along with the above section, there are the sweet sounds of English Bulldog snoring. Yes, I know what you’re thinking — the sounds of snoring are nowhere near sweet. And there’s no way anyone could fall asleep with multiple jackhammers jammering away in your head.

But there’s something so innocent and adorable about an English Bulldog sleeping. And the sounds of their nasal vibrato that lulls you into your own slumber.

Don’t believe me? Just try to fall asleep without a bullie in your bed, and you’ll find yourself wide awake for hours, wondering where all the tranquil noise went.

8. You Wonder How Dogs with Long Tails Can Express Themselves without a Wiggle Nub.

I like bullie butts, and I cannot lie. Those other dogs can’t deny. When a bullie walks in, with an itty bitty waist, and a nubby tail in your face …

Yep, it’s all about the nub.

It waggles, it wiggles, it expresses happiness and joy.

Who can possibly resist an English bullie’s little wiggle nub??

9. You Know About Reverse Sneezing

If you’re owned by an English Bulldog, then chances are you’ve witnessed reverse sneezing. And while it sounds like a funny or even made-up thing, it’s totally real. The first time you witness a reverse sneeze, you might be horrified or frightened for your fur baby. You may think something is wrong with them, since the sounds are not natural or at all pleasant.

I remember the first time I heard a reverse sneeze, I panicked and thought something awful was happening to my baby. But rest assured, it’s not as dire a situation as it appears. And it’s something that is fairly common with brachycephalic and even some other dog breeds. Many veterinary articles say to just let the episode play out on its own. I’ve also read a few suggestions on how to alleviate the condition in a quicker manner. I personally think it all depends on your individual bulldog’s situation, as each one is made differently.

Below is an example of what a reverse sneeze sounds like. It can be a bit scary, especially when it happens to your bullie for the first time.

10. You Wake Up in a Pool of Sweat

Oh yes, bullie breeds love to snuggle. So when you wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat, you’ll know why. When you’re surrounded by furry, warm bodies that keep inching closer and closer — that’s when you know you’re owned by English Bulldogs.

Summary

English Bulldogs are like potato chips — You can never have just one.

How do you know you’re owned by a bullie?

Let me count the ways —

Slobbering, Suckling, Tail Pockets, Face Wrinkles, Stocky Builds, Grunting, Snoring, Wiggle Nubs, Reverse Sneezing, Snuggling …

And, of course, there’s #11 — You wouldn’t want it any other way.

Welcome to the club.

10 Ways to Know You’re Owned by an English Bulldog