Last week, an anonymous man suffered the self-inflicted double humiliation of apparently getting his erect penis stuck inside a roll of tape and asking the experienced masturbators of 4chan's /b/ how to remove his makeshift cockring.

Here's his cry for help, posted alongside a picture of his sad, imprisoned dick:

/b/ HELP! I can't lose the boner! I've had it for about 20 minutes + WTF DO I DO?

Advice ranged from "do math problems" to "run cold water on it" to "run on a treadmill" to "ejaculate" to "CALL AN AMBULANCE." And, because it's /b/, "chop off weenor."

Tapedick ruled out ejaculating, because the unkillable boner was painful to the touch. He claimed to have taken the cold water advice, but said it only caused the tape ring to contract further. Finally, someone told him to unravel all the tape and soak the cardboard ring until it fell apart. Surprisingly practical advice, except that the ring was plastic.

Come on, man. It's like you don't even want this Scotch tape roll off your dick.

How did a roll of Scotch tape end up around his dick in the first place? The most obvious explanation is usually the correct one:

I put it on when I was bored and a girl started sending pictues of her feet

Well, okay.

After a few updates, Tapedick stopped posting in the forum, so the fate of his boner remains unknown. It's been about a week, so it's probably safe to assume that if his story was for real, he eventually gave in and saw a professional about his problem. Or chopped off weenor.

In the game of putting your dick through a Scotch tape roll, the only winning move is not to play.

[h/t Daily Dot]