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Slender Man's schtick is pied piping children to their doom. But that doesn't concern you -- you're 13 now, and that makes you a man, boychik! You can relax, knowing that Slender Man merely stalks adults, causing them blackouts and mental problems until they murder in his name. But since you're reading this on the Internet, I assume you already know that, and are slightly concerned that he might be right behind you, because it's ridiculous to think so but oh my God he could be.

On the surface, there's nothing exceptional about this gangly guy and his many prehensile limbs. And that's why he is the most awful monster of our time -- despite dressing like an insurance agent, Slender Man is magically unnerving. It's like some nodule of terror sat patiently in the realm of ideas, waiting for humanity to poke a hole in the Internet. Once we did, it burst into our consciousness like a rotten pipe, flooding fear into our hearts.

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It turns out crowdsourced monsters are way spookier than commissioned ones.

How to Make It a Great Movie

You're going to want to do this one up somewhere along the lines of Silent Hill or The Ring, building up eerily before exploding into terror.

There's a burgeoning evil in a small town, and only one woman believes something's awry. She researches what's going on and follows a lead to another town, where something similar happened 30 years ago.

By now she's seen glimpses and had brief encounters with Slender Man as she explores this other town: a village wasting away with no residents under 40. We catch on pretty fast that the children got slendered the hell out of there, but none of the seniors want to talk about it. OK, that's understandable ... until it becomes clear that it's more than painful loss keeping them silent.

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With Slender Man's harassment increasing, we get a jab-jab-haymaker combo of fear: We realize Slender Man was present in almost every scene. And now he's chasing us through some burned-out ruins, herding us to the final revelation:

The parents

Were made

To eat

Their children.

Escaping by the skin of her teeth, the protagonist leaves the mad town behind and returns home, safe for now ... only to be greeted by the sight of her friends and family cannibalizing their loved ones, fully conscious of what they're doing and unable to stop.

MuseoDelPrado

Tender like veal, tasty like bacon.

Brendan interviewed an Al (Lambert) when he talked to the not-at-all orclike writer/actress Christine Lakin about her dark comedy. You can try to scare him on Twitter @brendanmcginley.

Still not enough monsters? Check out Cracked's Field Guide to Monsters with Brendan's 5 Movie Monsters Ripped from the Pages of History Books and 5 Reasons the Scariest Thing Ever Written Is a Kids' Book.