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No Christmas tradition is quite so ripe for pettiness as the stocking stuffer. And what are the most passive-aggressive stocking stuffers of them all, you ask? Read on to find out so that you can express everything better left unsaid to friends and loved ones!

5. Groupon For A Workshop on “Following Through”

The great thing about Groupon is that the recipient will probably reluctantly use it, even if it’s insulting. Who can pass up a good deal? Nobody! Not even a commitment-phobic boyfriend, your stepdad with too many hobbies, or that one niece who’s on her third “quarter-life crisis.” The message will be clear, but they’ll buckle and try it anyway (because it’s not like they were about to go set up something on their own).

4. Hand-Drawn Family Portrait That Doesn’t Include Linda

This one’s a winner because you’ve got total plausible deniability. Nobody will think your little tykes would orchestrate such a cruel slight, and they can’t prove that you were hovering around, directing them like the Pope did Michelangelo. It’ll just seem like the poor kids screwed up and forgot her. Suck it, Linda! You’ll never replace Mom!

3. Tickets to Disneyland

When you’re wealthier than your brother-in-law and really want to rub it in, the perfect stocking stuffer for your precious nieces is clearly tickets to a costly wonderland. He can’t afford to take his family on a Disney vacation on his meager teacher’s salary, but you can! Maybe hedge fund managers are good for something after all, huh, Matteo?

2. Three iPhone Screen Protectors for One Person

Why three? Because you just know your sister’s gonna lose a phone or two in the new year. She’s been irresponsible since the day she was born, and nobody in this family has the guts to call her out—except you, in the form of this “helpful” stocking stuffer. She’ll recall your sinister foresight with burning shame the next (inevitable) time she drops her phone and the screen doesn’t break. Perfect!

1. “Ironic” Coal

Because nothing beats a classic. That’s right, even Santa hates you, Peter!

Images: Pixabay, Amazon

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