TRUSSVILLE, AL—Attempting to distance themselves from the man’s outward appearance, the 46 chromosomes of local sales associate Peter Macon vociferously denied Monday that they had played a direct role of any kind in the present state of his physique. “Though it’s true we contributed a number of basic physical features early on, the condition of Peter’s body has long been out of our hands—this is completely on him,” said a strand of Macon’s DNA, explaining that, while it bore some responsibility for Macon’s overbite and male-pattern baldness, it could not be held accountable for the widening girth, sallow complexion, and double chin of a man whose every meal consists of either prepackaged, processed foodstuffs or an entire 16-inch delivery pizza. “We did our best to pass along traits that would predispose him toward healthy protein synthesis and muscle growth, but if Peter doesn’t get up from his recliner and exercise every now and then, there’s not much we can do to help him. We’re not the ones telling him to eat handfuls of shredded cheese as a snack and sit there watching 15 hours of Hulu every weekend.” The genes later conceded that what Macon is doing to his body didn’t actually matter at this point, as they were planning to kill him off through a congenital heart defect within the next few years regardless.

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