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FOLLOWING a recent ruling by the European Commission that €13bn in back taxes are due to Ireland from Apple, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has quickly responded with an open letter to the tech giant.

Tim,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’ve had to make this an open letter as I couldn’t find your email address anywhere. You’re as hard to reach as the lads in Google.

Joking! No, seriously, I was only messing. Bit of Irish humour there. I don’t mind the lack of correspondence. I’m cool like that.

First off, let me say how much we love the iPhones you guys sold the coalition last year. My deputy leader James Reilly had us in stitches doing the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ on the slo mo camera. They’re great yokes altogether. That 17% off was very decent of you guys, so thanks again for that discount.

Now, I know you’re busy Tim, and I won’t keep you long, so I’m just going to get down to the nitty gritty, as we say in the business.

As you know yourself, the lads in Europe aren’t happy about our little agreement and they were on to me this morning to give you a shout. Basically, they said you guys owe us a few bob, and to send you an invoice. The great thing is we’re all on holidays the last few months (a year if you count the election farce) and Stacy in accounts has been on maternity leave since 2012, so we have a bit of time on our hands to sort this mess out.

The commission said you guys owe us thirteen bill, which could solve most of our health and housing problems in Ireland, but we don’t want to go down that route as it would only make sense. Plus, look what happened the last time we told the nation they had a few quid. The banks here would probably pull another stroke to take a cut, so let’s put that idea to bed straight away.

We’re going to appeal it Tim. The whole lot. If Europe thinks it can bully us into changing our tax brackets, then they can go fuck. We have too many multi’s here to start that craic. It’s the only bit of sovereignty we’ve got left. They’ve taken our farms, our turf, our water, our fish and our oil, and now they’re trying to take the only thing we’ve got left, our disregard for financial affairs. It’s the last straw as far as I’m concerned. Ireland was built on favours and sweet deals, to think these crooks are trying to manipulate our own crooked ways is infuriating.

No one tells Ireland how to corrupt. NO ONE!

That’s basically all I have to say on the matter.

Now, I’m sorry if I’m coming across all angry and alpha male here. I hope you’re not too shocked at my wording and brutish attitude towards Europe. Sometimes I lose the plot. At times I scare myself with my temper. Like, fuck Europe, right?

Anyways, I thought I’d drop you a line and let you know the score.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Kind Regards

Enda

PS: Just reminding you about a Facebook friend request I sent you a couple of years ago. You probably get loads of them. Just checking mine sent is all. No worries chief if you didn’t see it. Sent again there anyway.