WASHINGTON—Taking into account current market conditions, average 401K contributions, and forecasted cost of living increases, a report released Friday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute concluded that the majority of Americans have saved enough for retirement to live comfortably on the streets. “Our research indicates that the typical American retirement plan, be it defined-contribution or defined-benefit, should yield enough for a relatively modest, but secure, life of impoverished transience for up to 20 years after leaving the workforce,” said lead researcher Wilton Bracey, explaining that most Americans will be in a position to occasionally treat themselves to luxuries like a cup of coffee or a secondhand winter coat, while still being able to make fare card payments for the mass transit system where they will sleep. “Of course, it is unrealistic for them to expect to frequently eat out at restaurants, as they will likely need to scrounge for their meals most nights. Overall, however, the vast majority of Americans will spend their golden years in relatively stable destitution.” Bracey added that those relying solely on Social Security benefits should have enough to afford a lethal dose of sleeping pills.

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