The transgender experience is one of living into an identity that you are (finally) choosing for yourself. Follow along as two people share their journeys.

Have you ever felt uncomfortable? Maybe with a certain group of people or in a certain situation?

What if that situation was one you couldn’t walk away from — or a group of people you couldn’t avoid? What if the source of your discomfort was your own body? And the disconnect you felt from walking around every day as someone you’re not?

And what if, to save yourself, you had to make a decision that might alienate people you love or put you in danger for the rest of your life?

Such is the story of transgender men and women like Michelle Wolf and Tyler Titus.

One woman’s journey

The journey to finding yourself is different for every transgender person. For Michelle Wolf, 45, a transgender female and married mother of a 9-year-old son, the journey included periods of increased femininity immediately followed by purging all things feminine and throwing herself into masculinity.

“I’d dabble in cross-dressing and exploring my feminine side until I’d almost get caught and panic,” Wolf says. “Then I’d throw everything away and look for the most masculine thing I could find in hopes of self-correcting."

In her early 20s, Wolf was desperate to find the most masculine activity she could. “I needed a huge change to push my feminine thoughts out of my head,” Wolf says. “So I joined the military and spent four years in the Air Force.” After leaving the air force, Wolf got married and got a job as an engineer — successfully managing to deny her gender identity. Thinking her struggle was behind her, she settled, and her wife had a child and set off toward a happy future.

For many transgender adults, coming to grips with being transgender is anything but instant. For Wolf, successfully suppressing her true self was never easy. But it was doable — that is, until she reached what she calls her “expiration date.”

“Your expiration date is when you realize that you can’t keep pushing your true self to the back of your mind,” Michelle explains. And hers came in late 2010, when she realized that it was time to explore the self that she hid and denied for nearly 40 years.

After multiple sessions with a psychologist, Wolf was diagnosed with gender dysphoria (or the distress a person experiences as a result of a disconnect between their gender and the sex they were assigned at birth). Her diagnosis was a blessing, which helped her to — at long last — embrace the need to transition. She started transitioning in 2011 and, in 2012, legally changed her name. In 2013, she had a number of surgeries to complete her physical transition. But just because she had surgery doesn’t mean it’s the path for everyone. “Surgeries are difficult and painful,” she explains. “My advice? Do only what you need to so you’re comfortable in your own skin.”

But getting comfortable in your own skin is just the first step for many transgender people. Another hurdle is the reaction of those around you.

“When I came out, the reaction from friends and family was varied,” Wolf says. “People I thought would support me didn’t. And people I thought would abandon me were my biggest supporters.”

A key supporter in Wolf’s life is her wife, who has stuck with her. “It wasn’t easy by any means,” Wolf explains. “But she is the most patient, wonderful person.”

When asked what someone who knows or loves a transgender person should do when he or she comes out, Wolf’s advice is simple. The key is being supportive and educated. “It’s OK to not understand,” she explains. “Be curious. Ask questions. Most transgender people are happy to answer them — and thankful to be asked.”

And what has changed for the better for her since transitioning?

“I am more confident and happy than I’ve ever been,” she explains. “I’ve accomplished things I never thought possible.” A key accomplishment of Wolf’s was recently receiving a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. And an added bonus? Wolf’s experience helps her connect with the patients she sees in her work as a marriage and family therapist. “I’ve lived both sides of that experience,” she says. “So I use that experience to help the people I treat.”

Tyler Titus' story

For Tyler Titus, 32, a transgender male, therapist and father of two, the journey was somewhat different. Growing up in Titusville, he felt the weight of a “small, conservative town who loved to gossip.” He found relief, fortunately, in time spent with his mother’s family. “They allowed me to be this curious tomboy who played in the woods, built forts, raced BMX, and had more mud on me then outside,” Tyler explains. “However, whenever I had to visit my father and stepmother I was chastised for being so masculine. They were pretty disgusted by their little girl who refused to wear dresses, do her make-up, or play with girl toys.”

Titus’ expiration date came at an unusual time in his life. “I was in my 20s and pregnant with my second son when I realized that living as a woman was not me,” he explains. “I was as feminine as it gets, but I never felt so uncomfortable.”

After significant consideration and self-doubt, Titus came out as transgender in 2014 — a few weeks before his 30th birthday. “I had tossed this gender dysphoria concept around in my head for years before actually allowing myself to accept it,” Titus explains. Coming out made Titus feel empowered and free — initially. But that feeling was short-lived.

“When my father found out I was transgender, he cut out me out completely,” Titus explains. “I can't even remember the last time I heard his voice. Last I knew, they thought I was wrong and broken and wanted nothing to do with me because I caused them too much hurt.”

Bogged down by empathy for others, Titus crashed into a horrible depression two months into his transition. “I started to obsess about the chaos my transition was causing, especially for my boys,” he laments. “I couldn't stop imagining them being tormented and teased because they had a transgender parent.”

Titus, like many transgender people, got so low emotionally that he contemplated suicide. “One night, I got into my car after a heated argument with my wife and I had every intention of finding a deserted lot and slitting my wrists,” he says. “I had convinced myself it would be easier for everyone to just grieve the loss of Tiffany (Titus’ birth name) than to be weighed down by the journey of Tyler.”

(Titus was married to a woman before he transitioned. They were divorced last year.)

Titus doesn't remember how long he sat in the car, but he estimates it was a few hours. As quickly as he had left, he was driving home again, confident that he could get better with help.

“I started building up the desire to change how things are and how others view transgender people,” he explains. “Becoming a voice for the voiceless became my driving force. I wanted to show my boys that they deserved inner peace no matter what the rest of the world told them.”

So Titus started talking to anyone who would listen and listening to anyone who would talk. “I grew and changed,” he says happily, “and I helped others do the same.”

When asked what other opportunities came from his transition, Titus’ answer? To feel self-love and self-confidence.

“I have learned that at the end of the day I deserve to lay my head down on my pillow knowing I am who am and it is absolutely beautiful,” he explains. “I have a genuine love for myself that I fought hard for and no one will ever be able to take that from me.”

Jennifer Kubiak is a communications professional and proud mother of a transgender son. She lives in Erie with her husband and two boys.