University academics to be replaced by Daily Mail readers

Following an expose by the Daily Mail today, highlighting the anti-Brexit bias of the UK’s university academics, the government has announced all posts will now be filled by Daily Mail readers alone.

In a statement today, Minister of State for Universities and Science, Jo Swinson said, “It is clear that our young people are being poisoned by a liberal elite who have somehow got into positions of power by leveraging their enormous intellect.

“Lecturers, supported by their vice-chancellors have embarked on a systemic attempt to leave our students dangerously well-informed by teaching them facts, historical context and a wider worldview.

“We consider this unacceptable, therefore I am pleased to announce that all academic staff will be replaced immediately by people selected directly from the Daily Mail online comments section.

“They have a unique ability to distrust anything brown, foreign or educated, and are able to cut through complex and intractable problems by saying ‘OUT, OUT, OUT’, ‘EUSSR’ or ‘Traitor’.

“Therefore I am confident, with their guidance, our young people will soon be equipped to make the most of Brexit Britain in the coming years.”

Avid Daily Mail reader and graduate from the University of Life, retired builder, and buy-to-let landlord Terry Williams said, “I’m coming out of retirement to teach medicine at Oxford, so I can give these lazy Britain-hating lefty liberal students a right kick up the arse.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt!