WASHINGTON—Recognizing that he’s a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to walk the face of the earth yet was still on the right side of party lines, the Republican National Committee released their new “He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag” ad Tuesday to endorse Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. “He’s a horrendous slimeball and a totally fucking despicable lowlife creep, but above all, he’s a republican, and that’s what matters,” said RNC chair Ronna Romney McDaniel, adding that the slogan, which would be emblazoned across campaign banners, buttons, and commercials, embodied the party’s principles even if its ranks happen to include a disgusting, immoral, garbage person like Roy Moore. “We might not all agree on some of his actions, and we may take offense to his vile beliefs, but in the end, he does vote with the party on the issues we need him to. I think the voters will understand that yes, we are asking them to vote for a racist, sexist, xenophobic alleged pedophile but at the same time, he’s our repulsive cesspool of a human being.” At press time, the RNC was reportedly celebrating Roy Moore’s surge in the polls among Alabama republicans in response to the ad.

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