PHOTOGRAPH BY 20TH CENTURY FOX / EVERETT

Vampire Hunter: Hello?

Mom: Are you all right? You sound tired.

Vampire Hunter: I am tired. I just got off work.

Dad: We’re calling from the car. Can you tell?

Vampire Hunter: Hey, Dad.

Dad: Bluetooth, it's called. Hands-free!

Mom: You worked all night?

Vampire Hunter: I work nights, Mom.

Mom: Doesn't he sound tired?

Dad: He works hard. That's what life is—hard work. You're the only one I know who doesn't work hard.

Mom: Dealing with you isn't hard work?

Dad: Oh, and you're a walk in the park.

Vampire Hunter: So what's up, guys? You need something?

Mom: I have a lead for you, honey. This new pharmacist, she's very creepy. And she said Dr. Osbourne's office never called in my refill, when—

Vampire Hunter: Have you seen her in the daylight?

Mom: Yes, but—

Vampire Hunter: Then she's human, Mom.

Mom: But her fingers are so bony.

Vampire Hunter: She's human, Mom. As is the kid who delivers the paper.

Mom: I'm only trying to help you.

Dad: How did it go last night?

Vampire Hunter: I found six vampires squatting in an abandoned Holiday Inn.

Dad: Did you get them?

Vampire Hunter: Yeah, I got them. You're talking to me. I'm alive.

Mom: Good for you, honey. Anything else interesting?

Vampire Hunter: Six is a lot.

Dad: Is it? That took the whole night?

Vampire Hunter: Yeah. Six in one night is a record for this part of the country. I got interviewed for the news.

Mom: Will we be able to see it?

Vampire Hunter: Yeah, I'll send you a link.

Dad: Is this a thing we can show people?

Vampire Hunter: Of course. Why wouldn't it be?

Mom: Is this the real news, or some kind of newsletter?

Vampire Hunter: What?

Mom: I always say the wrong thing.

Dad: What channel are you going to be on? Ten?

Vampire Hunter: It's not going to be on TV. The interview was for a Web site.

Mom: You should call Channel 10, honey. Tell them it was a record; they'll be interested.

Dad: Channel 10 is garbage. Call Channel 3.

Vampire Hunter: You guys know that those are just local news channels, right? And that the Internet reaches everyone on Earth?

Mom: That's wonderful, honey. Will it be on AOL?

Dad: Have you ever thought about going after the vampire king instead of all the little guys?

Mom: There was a thing about vampire kings in the paper. Did you see it?

Vampire Hunter: You can't just go after the king. That's not how it works.

Dad: Apparently you take out this king and then all the little guys die on their own.

Vampire Hunter: There are no little guys. A vampire is a vampire.

Dad: Yeah, of course. You kill a king, though—Channel 3 would do a story about that for sure.

Mom: They don't do that kind of story.

Dad: A man kills a vampire king, you don't think Channel 3 is interested?

Mom: Listen, if this king is too dangerous, you don't worry about it, O.K.? Stick to the little ones.

Vampire Hunter: O.K.

Mom: I ran into Bobby Garner's mother at the Y.M.C.A. the other day. Bobby works at Nickelodeon now.

Vampire Hunter: I don't know who that is.

Mom: You remember Bobby. His father had that golf cart that he'd drive around? His mother's name is Janice—she used to run the concession stand at the pool?

Vampire Hunter: Doesn't ring a bell.

Mom: Bobby is a producer now. I forget the name of the show—something with puppets. You should get in touch. Maybe he can help you.

Vampire Hunter: Help me with what?

Mom: Don't you think it'd be fun, working in television?

Vampire Hunter: I have a job, Mom.

Mom: O.K., but—

Vampire Hunter: Last night I killed six vampires single-handed.

Dad: That's wonderful, son.

Vampire Hunter: If it weren't for me, those things would have murdered innocent people. These are creatures that can turn into mist. Do you know how hard it is to fight mist? I'm on the front lines of a battle with supernatural evil, O.K.? I think that's a little more important than working for a fucking puppet show.

Dad: Hey, with the language!

Vampire Hunter: Sorry.

Dad: You don't use that language with your mother. I don't care what kind of evil you're doing battle with. I raised you better than that.

Vampire Hunter: I'm sorry.

Mom: I just worry about you meeting someone.

Dad: I'm sure he's meeting people.

Mom: I worry that you're lonely.

Vampire Hunter: I have to go, O.K.? I have to get cleaned up.

Dad: Wait, wait—the Ellroys are replacing their fence and they have all this scrap wood piled up. I thought you could use it for stakes. You want me to save it for you? It's cedar. I don't know if that matters.

Vampire Hunter: Thanks, but I don't make my own stakes.

Dad: What?

Vampire Hunter: Yeah, this guy in Salt Lake City is a specialist—

Dad: He's a specialist at sharpening wood?

Vampire Hunter: Yes, in fact, he is.

Mom: We'll go. We're bothering you.

Vampire Hunter: You're not bothering me.

Mom: You sound annoyed.

Vampire Hunter: I'm tired.

Mom: What should I tell Janice?

Vampire Hunter: About what?

Mom: Do you want her to say something to Bobby? About a job?

Vampire Hunter: Tell her to tell Bobby that he'd better hope the people at Nickelodeon never find out he used to expose himself to the girls at swim practice.

Mom: I thought you didn't remember him.

Vampire Hunter: I remembered him all of a sudden.

Mom: Sure. All of a sudden.