LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown sick of sharing the confines of the International Space Station with his “crass, thoughtless, insensitive, and disgusting” fellow crew member from Polaris 8. “As if it wasn’t bad enough that Zorblaks is constantly changing the thermostat to 245 degrees, he’s always listening to those dissonant 28 kHz resonances his species calls music when I’m trying to sleep,” said Gerst, claiming that he also can no longer stand the smell of the multi-limbed, 550-pound mission specialist’s food, not to mention the acrid reek of the viscous, oozing waste it then instantly excretes from its pores. “Sure, I admit I’m a bit of a neat freak—you can imagine how much I hate seeing him ooze all over the lab equipment—but I don’t think anyone would appreciate the corroded dishes he ruins with the protective acids that coat his outer integument. God, I can’t wait to get a bunkmate who doesn’t sleep in a carbon-dioxide-and-sulphuric-acid atmosphere.” Upon being informed of his colleague’s complaints, a contrite Zorblaks announced plans to prepare a special fulminating seven-course ammoniacal meal for Gerst as a peace offering.

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