BRUCETON MILLS, WV—Stressing the challenge of finding another actor with the stage presence necessary to bring the character of Nathan Detroit to life, inmates at the U.S. Penitentiary Hazelton were reportedly scrambling Tuesday to replace deceased mob boss Whitey Bulger in their current prison production of Guys And Dolls. “Man, it’s going to be hard to find another inmate like Whitey who had a great set of pipes and could box step like a natural,” said choreographer and fellow inmate Brian “Bone Lord” Hutchens, who described losing Bulger from the musical as the “worst thing that has ever happened here.” “Without Whitey, we’re gonna have to call up his understudy, and frankly, Bulldog isn’t even close to ready. He’s barely off book and he’s pretty damn pitchy during ‘The Oldest Established.’ This is a huge blow. Whitey was never a prima donna, either—such a generous performer. We’ll really miss him.” At press time, Hutchens grew frustrated after noticing Bulldog struggling to squeeze himself into Bulger’s old costume.

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