Photo by William Clifford

About a year ago over lunch I told my daughter that every idiosyncrasy, addiction and personality flaw she had was my fault. I am to blame for any money and relationship problems she might have too. And I meant it.

Why? The problems and challenges she has today stem from when she was a baby and under my care. Except I wasn’t a good father back then. Too young and immature, always stressed and never psychologically present. As Gabor Mate says in his important book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, infants read, react to and are developmentally influenced by the psychological states of the parents. My daughter likely learned my negative emotional patterns and dysfunctional coping mechanisms. I was one of her primary role models.

However (and thankfully) she is not a negative person. She has always been loving and funny and today she works as a manager at a hotel. But this is despite my shoddy parenting. She overcame the deficits I imposed upon her, and she suffered through my divorce that left her with emotional and psychological scars.

So I apologized to her for my failings, and took the blame for everything she didn’t like about herself and her situation. We both cried, although I tried my best not to. It was not time for me to feel sorry for myself. It was time to take the blame and be strong. She forgave me and we moved on to happier topics: music, her upcoming trip to Spain, work etc. We have been much closer ever since.

Drive All Blames into One

Tibetan Buddhists have the saying “drive all blames into one”. What that means (from this Western, individualistic perspective) is to take responsibility for everything in our awareness. I didn’t know about this saying during that lunch with my daughter, but it’s something I’ve always tried to practice. It’s the reason why I pick up plastic litter in my neighborhood. I perceive it to be a problem, and if I don’t take responsibility for it, who will?

A much bolder example of driving all blames into one is in the remarkable book What is Buddhist Enlightenment? by Dale S. Wright. It was after the Rodney King beatings, when four (white) LAPD officers savagely beat unarmed (black) civilian Rodney King and it was captured on video. The footage was televised worldwide. Amidst the growing outrage and calls for justice, the only one to take full responsibility for the sickening display of ultraviolence was a Buddhist monk who didn’t even live in the United States.

In an LA Times editorial the monk claimed that he was the policemen who beat Rodney King. He also declared:

From the Buddhist perspective, I have not practiced deeply enough to transform the situation with the policemen. I have allowed violence and misunderstanding to exist.

After claiming the blame he proposed a solution: the practice of mindfulness. He said mindfulness begets insight and understanding, and out of this comes love. We either become mindful and compassionate towards each other, or we continue to accept violence as a way of life and perpetuate the vicious cycle.

This Vietnamese monk was Thich Nhat Hanh. Thich Nhat Hanh went on to write numerous books to help people live harmoniously. He continues to bear the responsibility to make the world better.

One final thing to add: I consider myself a multi-religious person, but I’m a disciple of Jesus Christ first and foremost. He is the ultimate example of claiming the blame. In an act of love and sacrifice unparalleled in history, the Son of God atoned for the sins of the world. To Him I am most grateful.