A day after the Dumau International Jiu-jitsu Competition, I’m sitting down here with what most likely is a partial MCL tear, an ankle injury and a wrist injury, wondering if it was is worth it. My best friend is in the Cardiac Care Unit after he got an artery tear. The compounding stresses of years of cigarette smoke, 36 hour shifts and training, and the fat burners to make weight finally took it’s toll. Thankfully he had a successful operation and now recovering. Again is it all worth it?

Years ago, before jiu-jitsu, I would have said no. We both got our shiny metals for all our trouble — the external validation of all the months of hard training. However win or lose, competitors know it’s not about the medals. Almost a year ago I lost a competition where I got a rib injury. I cried after the match and right before going to sleep. It was wasn’t because I lost. It was because I knew I could do better. It was a small comp team and we were left to our own to do our training, and I admit I slacked off a bit.

This year I gave it my all, I dropped down a weight class which meant no beers, no alcohol. No sweet things on weekdays and a lot of kimchi. A lot of kimchi. There was a few weeks where I had kimchi stew everyday. I love kimchi though, so I’m not really complaining. I lost 10 kilos in 3 months and finally saw a bit of abs, which for a former fatkid, a victory in itself. Came in 4–5 classes a week including the ones I was handling. Lots of drills which I always hated but I knew I had to do.

All the hard work came down to how I would do during the day itself. Won my first match but most of it was a blur. I just know I won 5–4 with the last points coming off a few seconds left. There was applause all around so I guess I did good. My second match was for the gold. My opponent had the same game plan as mine, but he was way faster. He scored 5–0 on me, but no worries. I was planning to play it on the ground, time for plan B. He tried to take me down when it it happened — twisted my knee the wrong way while dropping to the floor. TAP!

Limping out off the mats, there was bit of pain but what I felt mostly was relief. It’s all over. All I was thinking was I hope I made my coaches and team mates proud. I lost but I hope Norms, Keeno, Edjie and Kurt are proud. I hope Mona is proud. Hope the morning boys are proud. I hope all my drilling partners are proud. I gave it all and I’m proud of it.

Jiu-jitsu might be an individual sport during competition but at the end of the day it is a team sport. We make each other better everyday as individuals inside and outside of the mats. I’m never gonna be a world champion and it might be a decade or more before I get my black belt, but jiu-jitsu is in my bones. It’s hard and it can break you but like steel we only become stronger when we when we get pounded on and forged through fire.

As Anthony Bourdain said in his medium piece: “I do it because it’s hard. Because it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And because it never ends.”

So is it worth it? You bet it is.