Hi haters™,

Official introduction for hardcore soccer fans and/or people who have been reading these blogs for the last four years:

Welp, here we are.

Puty’s World Cup is happening and the United States is sitting on the couch with our pud in our hand.

It’s sad – horrifically, devastatingly, heartbreakingly sad. I know, I know, this is the internet and admitting weakness is against the rules but a World Cup without the US is uncharted territory so I’m breaking the rules this one time. There is a hole in my cold, black heart that has been festering since October 10, 2017. I mentioned in a blog written in the immediate aftermath of the aforementioned T&T scat party that things were going to get worse before they get better, and I am sorry to say that we are about to get knee-deep in the “worse” right now.

Roughly 60% of the country is going to realize at some point next week that the World Cup is kicking off on Thursday (June 14), which will lead them to almost immediately realize that the US will not be playing in it, which will in turn result in an outpouring of snide comments and mean jokes from non-soccer fans that is going to be a bitch to deal with for actual soccer fans.

Point being, you should start mentally preparing yourself for that right now. The first few days of next week are going to SUCK. But then the gloriousness of the World Cup will be upon us and the haters can go eff themselves because we will be getting drunk and watching soccer starting at 7am for the following 32 days… and after that it will be July 16 and we will officially be onto the next World Cup cycle and the USMNT will be officially back in the mix – hooray!

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Official introduction for more casual soccer fans and/or those who either haven’t read a single one of my blogs for the last three years and 11 months:

The World Cup is back, baby! Yes, I know, the United States won’t be playing in it. Never mind that. Cold, hard truth: we were going to lose in the Round of 16 (at best) anyway, so just think of our absence as meaning a little less disappointment coming your way over the next few weeks – but just as many opportunities for DAY DRINKING, just as many opportunities WINNING MONEY (talking ‘bout gambling, folks), and just as many opportunities to WATCH SPORTS rather than do work. What is not to love????

What follows – not just today, but in the days and weeks to come as well – will be blogs that are meant to keep things light, provide some information and maybe a laugh or two, offer some predictions to fatten up your wallet, and just generally to be an easy way for you to get into the World Cup.

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So with that as the introduction(s), let’s get to the good stuff…

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GROUP A – aka grossest group in World Cup history

URUGUAY (1st)

FIFA rank: 17

Best finish: Champions (1930, 1950)

2014 finish: R16 (lost to Colombia)

Quietly had an impressive qualifying campaign, finishing second in the always tough South American CONMEBOL.

Very balanced squad, led by Luis Suarez (Barcelona) and Edinson Cavani (PSG) up top, and anchored by CBs Diego Godin and Jose Gimenez – big bonus: teammates at Atletico Madrid – in the back. Midfield is a bunch of active and aggressive young relative no-names (to more casual fans) who work their balls off to win balls and feed the two-headed goal-scoring monster.

Key players: Cavani. If you get Suarez the ball in the box he is going to put it in the back of the net. Scoring goals and biting dudes is just what the guy does and he is as ruthless as they come. For a long time Cavani was different. Full disclosure: I was president/CEO of the “Cavani Sucks” fan club from about 2013 when he joined PSG until last year when I was forced to resign after he seemingly turned a corner and suddenly became far less wasteful in front of goal. If Uruguay has two serious threats such that opposing defenses can’t key in on Suarez, they are gonna be a very tough out.

[Honorable mention: keep an eye out for Matias Vecino (MF – Inter Milan) who is the lynchpin of the midfield and will be a key to link-up play.]

Weakness: lack of experience in midfield could become a problem later in tournament when big boys dominate possession. After all, Bitey Suarez is capable of strange things when he gets frustrated.

Worst case scenario: Anything less than quarterfinals would be a big disappointment

Best case scenario: Given their balance and historically easy group – if you are looking to pick someone outside the usual suspects – Brazil, Germany, Argentina, Spain – to win the whole damn then you could do a lot worse than go with Uruguay

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EGYPT (2nd)

FIFA rank: 46

Best finish: Never advanced out of group

2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 1990)

Salah, Salah, Salah and Mo Salah… perpetual dirt-bag Sergio Ramos threw a serious monkey wrench in Egypt’s operations, and if FIFA doesn’t at least look for a money trail leading back to Puty then they aren’t doing their job.

Key player: Mo. Salah. Comparisons with 2017-18 Cleveland Cavs are not far off. Unfortunately it is a lot harder for one guy to carry an 11-player team the way Lebron does.

Red flag: Salah’s shoulder… Daddy Puff would honestly get my vote for Balon d’Or right now so suffice to say his presence will be make-or-break for Egypt’s chances of getting out of the group. Unfortunately even if Salah is not 100%, it is unlikely that he or the team is going to disclose it ahead of time so you’re just going to have to go with your gut on whether he’s going to be ready in time.

Worst case: Salah is out or limited and the Pharaohs are dead in the water

Best case: They make a run to, say, the quarterfinals.

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RUSSIA (3rd)

FIFA rank: 66 (second worst)

Best finish: Never advanced out of group

2014 finish: Group stage

Russia drawn into the weakest group in the history of the World Cup. Huh. Wonder how that happened? Definitely has nothing to do with the ex-KGB agent turned autocrat who bullies and bribes for a living – no sir, nothing to see there! And what’s this? Russia gets to play the single worst team in the entire tournament in the high-profile opening game?? Totally coincidence, I assure you! I’m not a conspiracy-theory guy… I’m not even a connect-the-dots guy like Big Cat… but I am a call-a-spade-a-spade guy and Putin is a crooked ass shyster so if you believe these things all fell into place by sheer luck then you, sir or ma’am, are quite simply a big huge dumdum.

President-For-Life Puty is as wily as they come but this little scheme of hosting the World Cup – meant to highlight how far Russian soccer has progressed – could very easily blow up in his definitely-not-heavily-Botoxed face. The team was flying high when they out-bribed everybody else back in 2010 and won the right to host the 2018 tournament, but Russian soccer has pretty much sucked ever since, failing to advance past the group stage of any major competition ever since and, importantly, not showing any signs of improvement. #karma

Key players: Fedor Smolov (F – Krasnodar)… also keep an eye on MF Alexandr Golovin (MF – CSKA), who has been linked to all the EPL’s big swinging dicks – and Arsenal.

Red flag/weakness: injuries to Aleksandr Kokorin (F – Zenit) and several possible starting CBs are a problem… as was the coach’s decision to leave Russia’s best DM Igor Denisov (Locomotiv Moscow) at home because they don’t like each other… HOWEVA, the biggest red flag though Russia’s continued reliance on Igor Akinfeev (GK – CSKA), who the media loves to stroke off despite him repeatedly sucking when the chips are down. Here’s my theory on Akinfeev: it’s like when someone shows you a picture of their baby who is ugly as hell… bug eyes and forehead for days, that kind of thing… but obviously the person who showed you the pic is expecting some sort of compliment. That’s just how it works… so you throw out the go-to compliment “such pretty eyes!” because you had to say something… that’s why people have talked themselves into thinking that Akinfeev is a good goalkeeper… it’s because they HAVE to say something nice about Russia and that’s become the go-to. Fun stat: Akinfeev went 11 years – more than a decade – between clean sheets in Champions League play. 2006 to 2017. 43 straight games without a clean sheet. That’s honestly impressive.

Best case: Salah injury, if it lingers, could give them a straightforward route to the R16, where they would inevitably get whupped.

Worst case: You’d really hate to see Russia crash out at the group stage and embarrass the hell out of Puty – you really would… actually anybody planning on being in Russia probably really would hate to see that because Russian hooligans are NO JOKE and the only thing between them and mass carnage is Puty. If the Russian team implodes and Puty is feeling embarrassed and/or defensive, all bets may be off.

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SAUDI ARABIA (4th)

FIFA rank: 67 (worst)

Best finish: R16 (1994)

2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 2006)

Has experienced some relatively high highs and very low lows in World Cups. Ask someone what the first thing they think of when it comes to Saudi Arabia in the World Cup and answers # 1, 2 and 3 will be the shit-kicking they received from Germany in 2002 when Miroslav Klose became one of the all-time leading scorers in World Cup history – in one game. People who have been around a little longer may also remember an incredible individual goal they scored (by Saeed Al-Owairan) against Belgium in 1994 that looked like a poor man’s version of Maradona’s ridiculous goal against England in 1986 (not the Hand of God – the other one).

Key player: Yahya Al Shehri is an attack-minded midfielder who spent the last six months on loan at Leganes in Spain… where he rode the pine. Yikes.

Red flag: New coach… wait, nope, make that multiple new coaches, as the guy who helped them qualify for World Cup said “pay me some of that good good oil money” and the Saudis said “nope” so he left, then his replacement was kicked to the curb after some bad friendly showings. So now they are on coach #3. Good luck with that.

Best case: In any other group scoring a goal and maaaaaaaaybe even finding a draw somewhere would be about as good as the Saudis could hope for

Worst case: This is Group A, though, and the stars could align – say, Mo Salah is still injured and Russia’s next-generation steroids don’t work – so I’ll be charitable and say absolutely blue sky scenario is making the R16 where they almost certainly would lose by double digits.

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GROUP B – conventionally thought to be top-heavy

SPAIN (1st)

FIFA rank: 8

Best finish: Champions (2010)

2014 finish: Group stage

Spain got their shit pushed all the way in four years ago – shout out to anybody who predicted that ahead of time *cough* (nbd) – but they have retooled and are no doubt all the more motivated this time around.

Key players: Whoever manager Julen Lopetegui decides to go with up top… Diego Costa (Atletico Madrid), Iago Aspas (Celta Vigo) and Rodrigo Moreno (Bahhhh-lenthia) are the options since – for some reason – Alvaro Morata, Mr. Zero-Shots-On-Goal-Since-February, didn’t make the cut… shocking.

[Editor’s note: Aspes is fresh off an enormous season and could make for an interesting thunder and lightning partnership with Costa]

Red flag/weakness: Andres Iniesta is a legend and legend’s never die… but they do get old, and a long season followed by his emotional exit from Barcelona may have taken a toll. Counting on aging veterans in their mid-30s to run the show is precisely what got Spain in trouble last time round. So that and uncertainty about who is going to put the biscuit in the basket are the big question marks coming in. [Honorable mention: Ramos knew exactly what he was doing when he held onto Salah’s arm and fell to ground injuring him – if you argue otherwise you are naïve or just plain dumb – and the soccer gods can be vicious in seeking karmic justice… especially 30-something-year-old defenders who are not quite as nimble as they used to be and also happen to be a huuuuuuuge douchebags.

Then again can you hate a guy who just dropped this certified BANGER like this??

Best case: Spain lifts their second World Cup in three tournaments. They definitely have the talent and – unlike in 2014 – have a much better mix of young guns and experienced veterans.

Worst case: Quarterfinals

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IRAN (2nd)

FIFA rank: 36

Best finish: Never advanced out of group

2014 finish: Group stage

Team Death to America seems to be flying way under the radar but could be tougher to beat than people give them credit for. They went undefeated in qualifying and conceded only twice in 10 games (both after they had already qualified for the World Cup, no less). They are comfortable handing possession and focus on trying to catch opponents on the counter, which could cause problems for a team like Portugal whose defenders are not particularly fleet of foot.

Iran’s opener against Morocco is an absolute must-win.

Key players: Sardar Azmoun (F – Rubin Kazan) is only 22 but has blossomed in recent seasons… also this year was the coming out party for Alireza Jahanbakhsh (MF/F – AZ Alkmaar). If those two are on their game, Iran’s Lester-like counterstrike offense maybe, jusssssssssssst maybe, could do some damage.

Red flag: Iran’s Asian qualifying campaign was the equivalent of PSG’s playing in Ligue 1, and we all know how they have done in recent seasons when they actually get tested in Champions League… needless to say the World Cup will be a BIG step up in competition.

Best case: It’d be a big upset, no question, but I think Iran has a shot at getting out of the group… though (likely) facing Uruguay in R16 would be as far as that road could possibly lead.

Worst case: They can get back to definitely not enriching uranium right in our face by late June.

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PORTUGAL (3rd)

FIFA rank: 4

Best finish: 3rd place (1966)

2014 finish: Group stage

Reigning champions of Euro 2016 and sitting oh so pretty at #4 in the FIFA rankings this could – on paper – finally be the World Cup where the Portuguese do something. They have talent to burn, especially going forward with Ronny (obviously) and Goncalo Guedes supported by Bernardo Silva and a host of attack-minded midfielders.

That said, defense could be an issue as the team’s CB pairing will be 35-year-old Pepe – until his inevitable red card suspension – and either 36-year-old Bruno Alves (Rangers) or 34-year-old Jose Fonte (formerly with West Ham now playing in China).

Key player: Ronny. Everything flows through Ronny up top, and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Red flag: Ronny is a got-damn beast but not everybody in or close to their mid-30s is as much of a physical freak as him, and Portugal is reliant on too many of them for my liking coming into this World Cup. They snaked it til they made it at Euro 2016, essentially winning the entire tournament on luck, guile and penalty kicks… the thing about luck though is that it tends to run out (unless you are Real Madrid and you are playing in the Champions League – clearly).

Worst case: A lot of people will argue that Portugal crashing out in the group stage is an impossibility. My response: “Weeeeeeee shallllllllll seeeeeeeeee”. Many of those same people/haters would probably argue Portugal has the talent to win it all. These people are what we call dumdums. Their defense is an aging implosion waiting to happen.

Best case: Could they make a run to, say, the quarterfinals? Perhaps, but absolutely no further. No way, no how.

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MOROCCO (4th)

FIFA rank: 42

Best finish: R16 (1986)

2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 1998)

All defense, all the time… like an African Greece with almost as unpronounceable names (eg, Mbark Boussoufa and Aziz Bouhaddouz).

Suffice to say the bookies and I have very different opinions about the chances of Morocco (they like them) and Iran (they hate them). Thankfully my big ass brain is never ever wrong.

RIPIP Sam

Key players: Hakim Ziyech (MF – Ajax) is by far the most creative player on the team so he and leading scorer Ayoub El Kaabi (RS Berkane in Morocco) will need to play their North African balls off if they are going to have a sniff at getting out of this group.

Red flag: Scoring goals

Best case: Scrounge a point by holding someone to a 0-0 draw.

Worst case: Perfect record of three spankings in three games.

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So there we have it. The first of an unknown number of blogs that will be splashing across your eyeballs over the days and weeks ahead as we – you, me, every other American soccer fan and plenty of American soccer-fans-to-be – come together and revel in the majesty of Puty’s World Cup. There will be haters. Oh yes, there will be plenty. Ignore them. The World Cup is the best. Day drinking is the best. Getting rich is the best. And watched some of the world’s greatest athletes play the world’s greatest sport on the world’s biggest stage is whatever is better than the best.

Previews of Groups C&D, E&F and G&H coming as the week progresses.

Also **BREAKING MOOS** as I teased on twitter a little while ago the unthinkable may in fact be happening: Soccer + Barstool + Podcast…. so stay tuned and, importantly, if you like me or even better yet if you hate my guts but like jogo bonito and want more soccer content at Barstool then please download and/or subscribe and/or re-download and/or re-subscribe or whatever the hell the kids are doing these days.

Thanks peeps. More blogs (and other content – and dare I even say merch) coming. PUTY’S WORLD CUP – LETS GO!

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Holler,

Samuel Army