"Which candidate would you like to share a beer with?" is a classic political polling question about likability. Alcohol, or even the prospect of it being shared, breaks down the everyday social constructs that divide humanity.

"Which Big Ten coach would I like to drink one or 10,000 beers with?" is a question I recently pondered while drinking one or 10,000 beers the other night.

As philosopher-king DMX once said, "The offseason is dark and hot," so I decided to blog it out instead of going outside and getting incinerated in the sunlight.

No. 14 — Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)

Pat Fitzgerald finishes last because he looks like an undercover cop. And if he isn't working to imprison me, he definitely looks like one of those guys who drinks four Budweisers and tries to fight strangers before a desperado whips his ass in an Applebees on St. Patrick's Day.

And is there anything less interesting in the Big Ten than Northwestern? Remember, this is the same institution that graduated Darren Rovell.

No. 13 — Tom Allen (Indiana)

OK, Indiana may be more boring than Northwestern. And Tom Allen? Not my idea of a good time. He looks like a grandpa who drinks three Milwaukee Ices before rampaging against anybody under the age of 30 because his estranged adult children haven't spoken to him in a decade.

I'd much rather drink a beer with the goateed soldier of fortune in the background on the left. He looks like he's already updating his résumé in his head and could use some suds.

No. 12 Chris Ash (Rutgers)

Maybe Chris Ash should be higher. I'm sure he's filled with interesting nuggets about turning around Ohio State's dismal tackling and the 2014 championship run.

However, Ash always seem to look like his dog died. I realize that comes with the territory of coaching Rutgers football; he still looks like long-lost buddy who hits you up to go out only to end the night bawling into his hands about a wrecked marriage. I ain't in this for sob stories.

No. 11 — Scott Frost (Nebraska)

Scott Frost looks like a sleeper agent from an alien race sent back in time to infect humanity with an incurable virus known as Husker football. He's still somehow more trustworthy than the three men behind him.

I would drink exactly one beer with Frost. We would sit in silence while I judged his humanity. I would leave immediately after.

No. 10— D.J. Durkin (Maryland)

The number of beers I would drink with D.J. Durkin, despite being a fellow D.J., depends on how much he spilled about the differences between Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh.

The beers would flow as long as the stories. Once they stopped, I would fake taking an important call and leave Durkin with the bill. Don't worry, folks, he can afford it.

No. 9 — Lovie Smith (Illinois)