PARIS, FRANCE – Awaking with a dry mouth and sore head on Tuesday morning CEO of AB InBev, the world’s largest brewer of beer, Carlos Brito immediately regretted the events of the previous evening which saw him accept the proposition of £44 a share for on-again off-again competitor SABMiller.

Brito’s fellow executives were left scrambling when the news broke as they had been led to believe that Brito was only going round to SABMiller’s headquarters for ‘one drink’ and ‘would definitely be catching the early flight home in the morning’. Instead, as dawn broke and the CEO had still not returned to his hotel room, it became apparent that Brito had in the course of the evening consumed approximately two dozen refreshing Coors Light and committed their company to an estimated $104bn deal. This was despite repeatedly promising friends and co-workers that he was ‘totally over’ SABMiller and insisting that although they have a complicated past they were ‘just good friends’.

“We just got talking” a visibly hungover Brito stated in a press conference that was scheduled for 10am, then rescheduled for 11am, 12:30pm, 2pm and finally 4:30pm. “Yes SABMiller and I have been through a lot of shit in the past but that doesn’t mean we can’t be great for each other in the future. I apologized for putting my fist through their boardroom table that one time and SABMiller said they were sorry for calling me a balding, dickless bean counter in front of the Budweiser’s. We’ll find a way to make it work; for the shareholders sake”

Brito paused briefly to vomit loudly into a plant pot and wipe his mouth with the legally binding share deal that was still clutched in his pale, trembling hand.

“Christ what have I done?” he added “Stop flashing those damn cameras! Does anyone have any painkillers?”

Fellow board members of AB InBev were less than impressed.

“Carlos needs to learn to keep his pen in his pocket if you know what I mean” said one colleague who did not wish to be named “this isn’t the first time he’s pulled something like this. When he went on his brothers stag do in Ireland he ended up buying Dooley’s. Nobody drinks Dooley’s but he bought it and now it sits in warehouses all over the world losing us money.”

At the time of press it was unclear how the makers of Strongbow and Stella Artois would be able to work together harmoniously other than if they created a drink that was both expensive and disgusting.