WASHINGTON—Denying that there was any factual basis to the doctored footage shared by President Trump that suggested she was intoxicated, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blasted the viral video clip Friday by claiming that you’ll fucking know it when she’s drunk. “Yet again, we have the President spreading baseless accusations on his Twitter feed, this time implying I’ve been drunk on the job, when in reality there’s not going to be any goddamn ambiguity whatsoever when I decide to get loaded,” said Pelosi, telling reporters that she couldn’t have been under the influence in the video because it did not feature her clutching the lectern for dear life while flipping off her colleagues and calling them “a gaggle of cocksuckers.” “This video is a distraction from the malfeasance and cover-ups that this administration is actively engaged in, so let me put this matter to rest once and for all: When I get plastered, I’m a mean-ass drunk, so until you see me actively pissing on the House floor or pressing a broken beer bottle up to [Minority Leader] Kevin McCarthy’s dumb face, you dipshits can rest easy knowing I’ve been sober as a goddamn judge.” Pelosi reportedly went on to do a keg stand on the Capitol lawn to demonstrate exactly what “you fucking geniuses” should be on the lookout for.

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