A man in Miami chews the face off another man, allegedly while under some kind of drug-induced psychosis.

Another man in New Jersey goes insane and slices his belly open, then throws his own intestines at police.

Yet another man in Maryland admits to eating his roommate’s heart and brain.

A Canadian snuff film actor admits to murdering, dismembering, raping and eating a young victim, mails body parts to a newspaper, then goes on the run.

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Finally, doctors take it upon themselves to calm a panicked public as the media hyperventilates over a Georgia woman whose leg had to be amputated to stop the spread of flesh-eating bacteria, now known to infect thousands of Americans every year.

As if this bloody chaos weren’t bizarre enough, it gets weirder still: All of these events happened in the same week.

Naturally, the Internet wants to know: is it — being, you know, The Zombie Apocalypse — finally happening? According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the answer to that question is officially no.

In a letter sent to a Huffington Post reporter on Thursday, the CDC formally denied that a zombie apocalypse might be underway in the U.S.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” an agency spokesman explained.

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The CDC has previously used “zombie preparedness” to promote understanding of disaster readiness, and even keeps a “zombie blog” full of “teachable moments” from popular zombie lore like AMC’s “The Walking Dead” television show.

“If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack,” CDC Director Dr. Ali Khan notes on the agency’s website.

Still, conspiracy-minded readers may wish to note that former U.S. Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA) recently told reporters that “cannibals” have finally overrun Washington, D.C. Considering the week’s news, someone may want to get on that story asap.

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Photo: Michael Jackson in “Thriller,” screenshot via YouTube.