Jared was just minding his own business, when he claims he was attacked by a roving gang, who pummeled the shit out of him and threw his phone down a storm drain. So he went in after it.


One of the pivotal questions in this marvelously reported dispatch is, of course, Jared, were you drunk? He says no. Although he "woke up confused," he claims he was just high on life and perhaps some brain hemorrhaging when he dove into the small manhole looking for the phone, which must have been made out of god damn gold and moon dust, instead of, oh I don't know, seeking medical attention and calling the cops.

But his bravery paid off! Oh wait, no, he was just stuck, ass in the air, with his legs kicking, as neighbors gawked and laughed. For forty minutes. Onlookers were captivated: "I can see these feet dangling in the drain, and I was like, what?"


Like, what, indeed.

If you watch one thing this year, let it not be the birth of your first child, but rather FOX 40 reporter Tihanna McCleese trying to reenact the phone-dive: "Yep, that's how he got in."

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This would have been the sext opportunity of a lifetime, Jared, but unfortunately you were too busy bleeding and flailing for romance. Pity. [via BuzzFeed]

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