A few weeks ago I went to church, and I did it out of choice. I tried to participate fully and be a part of everything, and it was such a strange experience. Honestly, the closest comparison I can find for returning to church is having coffee with an ex-boyfriend. Here’s me honestly and brutally hashing out all of the confusing thoughts and feelings that came with that visit to church:

Dear Jesus,

I didn’t realise how much I missed you until I made the effort to see you again. When it was good, it really was amazing and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I was back then, but while I tried to make things work it all began to feel very one-sided. I buried my nose in books to learn more about you, but it only raised questions that you refused to answer. I reached out to you when I was hurting, but you didn’t seem to care anymore; like you were retreating with every effort I made to keep you in my life.

At the time it felt like it was all my fault – if I just tried harder and ignored those nagging doubts, then maybe you’d still be there for me. And honestly, when I came to church to visit you again, I couldn’t help feeling the same – maybe you had been there all along and I’d just become ignorant. It’s easy to feel guilty for the end of a relationship that was so passionate, controlling and all-encompassing, I guess. The pain of losing you came back, the weight of how much has changed since I was able to love you crashed down on me, and it made me wonder (like haven’t done in a very long time) whether I made the wrong decision.

I loved you so much, and for an evening it was as though that spark was still there between us, but given some space and breathing time I remembered exactly why it can never work out between us. I can’t have faith in someone who allows so much suffering and never reciprocated my attempts to get answers. I don’t understand you and there’s just no way that I can ever see myself believing in you again. Things ended for a reason, and no amount of bitter-sweet church visits or stirring worship songs will ever be enough to make me go back to you.

I’m sorry, Jesus. I tried my best and did everything I can, but in the end it was never going to work and I’m better off without you.

All my love, Bex