I’m no psychologist but I’m a human being and I’ve experienced enough of happiness, sadness, anxiety and fear, and I grieved and thought enough about it to think that I kind of understand about it now.

Today, I’m sharing what I’ve learned.

Let’s do an exercise. Create 2 lists: One with all your problems and things you feel are preventing you from achieving happiness, and a second one, with all the things you are proud of about your life. Now sort these lists based on weight, from the most important to the less important ones.

Example of a problems list (from the most important to the least)

I don’t have a nice car or a nice house so I feel diminished and inferior compared to some people. I don’t feel loved. I’m no one’s best friend and I feel like nobody would ever pick me as a groomsman or a bridesmaid. I don’t feel professionally valued enough at work or I don’t feel my work environment is taking the best out of me.

Example of a prides list (from the most important to the least)

I just bought a boat, which I’ve been wishing for years. My grades at school are near perfect. I can play the piano like nobody.

Now, let’s go to the truths:

Everybody has a different “problems list”, but no “problems list” is heavier than the other. A problem, from the minds perspective, can’t be measured in absolute terms. It’s not like having cancer is necessarily worst than the fact that somebody has stolen by bike yesterday. If we stop to rationally compare problems, of course having cancer is worst. Just a few things can be worst. But your mind is not rationally comparing your problems to determine your happiness level. And your mind is never going to compare your problems with the other person’s problem in order to determine whether you’re happy. What makes a problem big is not how “serious” it is, it’s the position it gets in your problem list. The biggest problem in the world is your first problem.

Because of the fact that your mind won’t measure problems in absolute terms, removing a problem from your list will not make your happier. Why? Because problem number 2 will instantly take the position of the problem you just solved. If you buy a nice car, you just go from a state in which you “feel sad for not having a nice car”, to a state in which “having a nice car is not a problem anymore”. You see? The car didn’t become a solution. I just stopped being a problem. Your problem #2 will take its place immediately.

Lastly, the list 2 will have little to no effect in your overall happiness. We do not naturally look at what we’ve got. We have to be constantly reminded to be grateful.

Being happy

People that are happy couldn’t care less about these lists. They’re just happy. Happiness comes from the inside, it’s something that you are or not, not something you will be if a certain criteria is met. But the first step towards becoming happy is to realize you need to make a change. Here are some indicators you might need to change your mindset:

You feel jealous when you hear compliments about other people. You do not feel truly happy when you hear successful stories about other people, specially those around you. You feel like you’ll only be happy when you achieve x, y or z.

What you can do