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KASHYYYK, OUTER RIM — A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Tibor the Wookiee — 345 years old and a staunch, unflinching ally of Emperor Donald J. Palpatine — was sick to death of what he called the “invasion” of his planet by lifeforms that don’t speak Shyriiwook like he does.

Tibor is taking his beef all the way to the Imperial Senate.

“Grrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaasssssssssshhhhhhh arara,” Tibor told us. “Wuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu riri arrrraaarahaaaakkkrrrrr!”

Roughly translated, Tibor said that he has no problem with creatures wanting to speak their own language “in their own dwelling units,” but that once they start to “receive government, taxpayer funded handouts” on Kashyyyk, they should use the “official language” of his home world or “rrraoorraddggg mmmmrrrr.” Though there are actually three different languages spoken on Kashyyyk, Tibor demands that everyone use the one “good, clean, ammo hoarding, Christian patriotic Wookiees” speak.

“Rrrrrrroooooooaaaaagggggggggggggggggggg,” Tibor insisted, adding, “hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

There is plenty of room on Kashyyyk for life forms to live and thrive together, Tibor says. Yet, he worries that some of what he considers the vital and necessary culture of Wookieedom could be lost to new generations of inhabitants that don’t speak the same language he does. Tibor doesn’t think he should have to buy a universal translator or take classes in Basic just to get along with people who live in his planet.

“Oooooooooohhhhhhgggggggggggggggg, ruhruhaghghghghg,” Tibor said. “Llllllllllllllrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr? Rurrrhrhhashrrhrr!”

Indeed, it may only take a couple of extra seconds for Tibor to press 1, but he says he shouldn’t have to change or alter how he lives his life in any way, shape, or form, if he doesn’t want to. Tibor says he doesn’t care if the influx of new inhabitants over the last couple of decades has helped diversify and strengthen his planet’s economy and infrastructure. He was born only hearing Shyriiwook, and he’s going to die only hearing Shyriiwook, no matter how many arms he has to pull out of peoples’ sockets.

“Rrrrrrr, ruh ruh ruh ruh,” Tibor said emphatically. “Ruh ruh ruh ruh.”

The Imperial Senate could not be reached for comment, as the Emperor has disbanded the council permanently and will rely on regional governors to have direct control over their territories.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.

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