Ever since he was first hired in December of 2014, University of Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh has had lofty expectations put upon him. He was predicted to bring the team back to its former glory; to lead them to championship after championship, bulldozing everyone in their path; to finally give Michigan students something to be proud of besides spending exorbitant amounts of money to attend unnecessarily difficult classes. Year after year Harbaugh has failed the Walmart faithful, but at last his master plan has been revealed.

Jim Harbaugh has delivered on his promise to bring the Michigan Wolverines back to prominence: he just made Urban Meyer retire.

Though many may believe Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer is retiring due to controversy surrounding a spousal abuse case against an assistant coach, we all know that isn’t how these things work. No, The Byzantine has learned that Urban Meyer is retiring simply because he has nothing left to achieve…and that’s thanks to Jim Harbaugh.

“I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t be able to bring glory to the Wolverines on the back of my coaching skill alone,” Harbaugh told The Byzantine in an exclusive interview. “Deep down I think everyone knew that. So I decided to play the long game. I’ve lost every single game I’ve ever coached against Urban Meyer’s Buckeyes, and now I’m seeing the fruits of my labor. With Meyer gone, there’s nobody left standing in the way of the mighty Wolverines!”

Student expressed similar glee at the tactical genius of their beloved coach.

“All this time I knew he had something up his sleeve. But this?” Said Michigan sophomore Bill Buttlicker. “Even I couldn’t have seen this coming, and I had a 4.3 GPA in my upper middle-class suburban high school.”

Analysts, pundits, and (Michigan) fans all seem convinced that with Urban Meyer gone, the Harbaughnaissance that has long been foretold will finally come to fruition. At press time, Urban Meyer was seen at a tattoo parlor getting a “7-0” tattoo on his middle finger.

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