AFTER Roger Moore’s long and successful career on television and in movies you might have expected someone to say after he died this week that “he was a great actor”.

But no one has. Because — and he’d be the first to admit this — he wasn’t.

12 Sir Roger Moore pictured with a bevy of beautiful ladies in the hit James Bond film Moonraker Credit: Rex Features

12 Sir Roger Moore admitted he wasn't 'a great actor,' but made James Bond stylish, suave and sexy Credit: Rex Features

When he was cast as Ivanhoe, he looked at the character and obviously thought: “Hmm. I think it’d be best if I played him as me.”

Later, when he was cast as The Saint, he decided that having played himself so successfully as Ivanhoe, he should do it again. So he did. And then he did it again in The Persuaders! and again as Bond.

In The Wild Geese, he was supposed to be a tough mercenary. But he wasn’t. He was Roger Moore. If you’d cast Roger Moore as an alien, he would still have looked, sounded and walked just like Roger Moore.

12 Sir Roger Moore cosies up to actress Fiona Fullerton in scenes from A View To A Kill Credit: Rex Features

As Roger himself said, acting means “getting up early, saying your lines and not tripping over the furniture”.

And yet despite the fact he was nothing more than a life-support system for his eyebrows — both of which did a lot of acting — he was my favourite Bond.

If you actually look back at the 007 movies when Rog was in the hotseat, they were shocking.

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Audiences were expected to believe that a former knitwear model could take out a burly villain with a single karate chop, and convince bad guys to change their plans with nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

And that’s before we get to his love scenes. He’d ask a girl to go to bed. She’d say no. So he’d raise an eyebrow and go ahead anyway. Today he’d be called a rapist.

And yet because he was Roger Moore, it all seemed to be fine. Funny, even.

That’s what’s been missing from Bond in recent years. The laughs. If I want a spy with no sense of humour, I’ll watch a Jason Bourne film, or a re-run of Jack Bauer in 24. Funny, isn’t it, how all spies have the same initials?

12 Sir Roger Moore wrestles with a bad guy in The Spy Who Loved Me Credit: Rex Features

I want Bond to make me giggle. I want him to pause as he dashes from a hotel room, to eat a grape.

And I want him to say, as he prepares to seduce another Soviet beauty: “I’m keeping the British end up.”

I sit these days watching Daniel Craig wrestling with his inner demons, as he necks another slug of Scotch, and I can’t helping thinking: “Oh for God’s sake, man, do some light eyebrow work and then say something daft.

“Oh, and while you’re at it, lose the stupid Tom Ford suits and get yourself a nice safari jacket.”

12 Iconic film poster from James Bond film For Your Eyes Only Credit: Rex Features

12 Sir Roger Moore is Jeremy Clarkson's favourite Bond and made the hit film character famous and cool Credit: Getty Images

We’re told that Bond should be true to the books. But that’s nonsense. No one’s ever read one. Bond should be true to the man who actually made him what he is today. And that was Roger Moore.

Tonight, as a tribute, I’m going to watch For Your Eyes Only, which is my favourite 007 movie. And I’m going to pay particular attention to the scene when Roger finally gets into Carole Bouquet’s knickers.

He’s got one eyebrow slightly raised, naturally, and you can see in his eyes what he’s saying.

It’s supposed to be: “Sleeping with this girl will help me track down the missing hardware.”

But what you can see, plain as day, is that actually he’s saying: “I’m being paid tons of money to snog this girl. How lucky am I!”

Thanks to voice of calm

12 Jodie Marsh was the 'voice of reason' this week for claiming that extremists on MI5 watchlist should be 'deported,' says Jeremy Clarkson Credit: Fame Flynet

AFTER the Manchester bomb, a woman called Jodie Marsh, who seems to have become famous for no reason at all, went on Twitter to say that everyone on MI5’s watch-list should be deported.

Naturally, Jodie was widely criticised by all sorts of ­Lineker fans, who pointed out that a government can’t just deport someone because they look a bit dodgy and have a backpack.

They’re right, of course. This isn’t a police state.

12 Jeremy Clarkson says he also entertained similar views to busty reality star Jodie Marsh Credit: Getty Images

However, as I watched the news that night, I did have an unmanly lump in my throat and a bit of a tear in my eye. The photograph of that eight-year-old girl who was killed. I dunno, it’s just so . . . so unnecessary.

Later, though, the sadness turned into a blind rage. And I, too, entertained thoughts along the same lines as Jodie.

I sat watching all the politicians making their calm and dignified statements and I thought: “Stop saying things. Go back inside and tell MI5 to get medieval on the a***s of anyone they even half suspect of being up to no good.”

12 Jodie Marsh received abuse and criticism on Twitter for her views after the Manchester terror attack on Monday Credit: Getty Images - FilmMagic

Much later, when the rage was really in full flood, I was thinking – and I won’t have been alone in this – that they should round up all of the bomber’s friends and relatives and blow a few kneecaps off until they find out exactly what went on.

This, I suspect, is an entirely natural reaction to something so terrible. But it’s also wrong.

And that’s why – for once – I have the greatest of respect for Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn and that little Lib Dem man with the funny voice.

Somehow, they were able to contain their anger and their instinct for revenge. And say what needed to be said if the country’s going to carry on being free and fair and decent.

12 Scientists tested the strength of a flamingo's leg earlier this week Credit: Getty Images

SCIENTISTS decided this week, probably because they were a bit bored, to test the strength of a flamingo’s leg.

So they got a bird and pushed down hard on it, noticing that not a single joint in the leg moved even a tiny bit.

Maybe that had something to do with the fact that, because of animal welfare legislation, the bird they were using for the experiment was, er, dead.

Flipping rubbish BACK at the beginning of the 20th century a scientist discovered a hormone called oxytocin, which causes a woman’s nipples to become aroused. It isn’t used much as a treatment today because it’s known that George Clooney does the trick just as well. However, for some reason, researchers decided to inject it into a bunch of wild grey seals. They say the creatures huddled together more after receiving the dose. And I’m not surprised. They were probably saying: “I hope those b******s on the beach leave us alone. “My nipples are killing me in this salty water.”

Out of control

THE Woodland Trust has had to close a wood in the West Midlands because staff say there was too much ­dogging in the car parks and that there were too many out-of-control dogs on the paths.

It all sounds very terrible. Sex, and happy dogs bouncing through the blue- bells. What a nightmare for the high-visibility enthusiasts. The interesting part of the story for me, however, is that you have people saying to their wives on a Saturday night: “I’m just going to take the dog for a walk in the woods.”

And then they go to an area known locally as a dogging hotspot . . . and do just that.

12 Chelsea Flower Show garden does not impress Jeremy Clarkson Credit: Alamy

A GOLD medal has been awarded by the Chelsea Flower Show worthies to a garden which looks like a disused quarry with weeds growing out of it.

Many visitors called it ugly – and amazingly its creator James Basson agrees: “It’s not ­supposed to be pretty.” Er, yes it is. That’s the whole point of a garden.

It needs to be a ­pleasant and attractive place to sit and look at the birds and the bees going about their business.

Making it ugly on ­purpose is like cooking food that is deliberately designed to make you vomit.

On that note

12 Salman Abedi blew himself up, killing 22 people at Ariana Grande's concert

CAN we be crystal clear on one thing. Suicide bomber Salman Abedi was rather more than a “loser”.

Which was how Donald Trump described him.

The man was a monumental, ocean-going t**t.

And he’s not in some heavenly place right now, surrounded by asses’ milk and virgins.

He’s just dead. And soon the worms will eat him. And that’s just how it is.