The Gang That Couldn't Moot Straight

Time for more Sovereign Citizen craziness, thanks to JJ MacNab, the Forbes columnist and expert on right-wing radicalism whose Twitter feed is a constant source of wonder and amazement. Today, a story whose summary alone is enough to give you pause, and perhaps reach for the scotch:

Well, yes, there is quite a story here. Back in December 2015, a gentleman by the name of Andrew Pankotai was scheduled to be sentenced in Pennsylvania after pleading guilty to a felony count of burglary in a case from 2013. According to the Sunbury, Pennsylvania, Daily Item, Mr. Pankotai "consulted with his lawyer, didn’t like what he heard and left the courtroom, county Sheriff Robert Wolfe said." Shortly thereafter, Pankotai filed a fakey Sovereign Citizen lawsuit against pretty much everyone involved in the case. He and his wife Dixie took off for New Mexico, where he was arrested early this year and taken to the Valencia County Detention Center in Los Lunas, to await extradition to Pennsylvania. But shortly after Pankotai was arrested, the detention center's warden, Joe Chavez, started receiving faxes full of Sovereign Citizen pseudolegal arglebargle from someone claiming to be a “Continental United States Superior Court” judge, insisting Pankotai was being held unlawfully and had to be released immediately.

Warden Chavez didn't release Pankotai, so he soon received another notice from the alleged judge, explaining that three people would soon arrive to retrieve Pankotai, all nice and legal-like, except that Chavez consulted with the real U.S. marshal who brought Pankotai in. The marshal said the paperwork was bogus, the product of a fake sovereign citizen "court" with no real authority. “They said [these groups] try this kind of thing but to keep him in custody,” said Chavez.

Nonetheless the fake court dude called Chavez to make sure his "marshals" could pick up Pankotai on the appointed day, February 1. Chavez said sure, and invited the real marshals to drop by the detention center to greet them. Nobody was expecting anyone to actually show up, but darned if four people -- two men wearing embroidered badges on their shirts and, of course, with holstered sidearms, and two women in civilian clothes -- arrived to take custody of "their" prisoner from Chavez. He asked them to drive around to the back of the jail and drive through the "sally port" to pick up their package; once inside, real federal marshals and New Mexico state police arrested them without any difficulty.

The four people arrested were Pankotai's wife, Dixie, Dylan Stamper, and Christie and Randy Townsend; all were charged with conspiracy to bring contraband into a jail and an assortment of other felonies.

Ah, but now it's time for the SovCits to pursue their very own justice of derp, with an exciting bullshit-filled lawsuit naming as defendants everyone from the "United States, Inc." and "Donald J. Trump" to the Marshal Service, the State of New Mexico, the county, the arresting officers, and apparently everyone who worked at the jail. They also name "John F (Doe)," probably in case they missed anyone. Since the bogus lawsuit was filed with a real U.S. District Court, which is not as valid as the made-up courts the SovCits insist have real authority, the document carefully includes a notation labeling the court "the De Jure United States District Court For the District of New Mexico." As MacNab explains, this is a neat bit of sovereign citizen voodoo:

They see two governments, the one in power (de facto) and the one outlined in their interpretation of the Constitution (de jure). They think that if they label the real court "de jure", and no one corrects it, then that court has to abide by their view of the [Constitution].

The document is a trip, but we won't delve into all of it here, because it's Friday and there are better ways to abuse one's brain, but you will be delighted to know that it does indeed make distinctions between the REAL United States of America, as established by the Constitution, and the "United States Of America," a corporation established in 1871 when the District of Columbia was created. You've got lines like this, which is probably mandatory for any SovCit document:

It also explains that the fake U.S. marshals are too real law enforcement, because they swore an oath and filed it with a county recorder, and if that isn't how you become a real law enforcement officer, we don't know what is. They even brought copies of their oaths with them, which the mean jail people and real LEOs didn't take seriously at all, and then arrested them and took their guns, even though the guns had sworn an oath too (we may be skimming the document by now, we'll confess).

In terms of relief, the suit demands all five be released immediately and paid damages of $350 billion, that Donald Trump continue to be president only until the real people of the real USA can hold a legitimate election for someone else, and that the Continental U.S. Marshals -- you know, the arrested guys -- be recognized as "the highest law enforcement agency serving the people" of the real USA, which is a heck of a way to seek a promotion. Also, all known federal law enforcement agencies have to cede authority to them, because those pretend agencies are employed by the illegal corporation "United States, Inc." Oh, and no more international banking, either, and yes, cut all ties with the Rothschilds. Like any good Sovereign Citizen document, it's signed in red ink with a thumbprint, too.

Bad news: These guys are probably going to win since their paperwork has proper spacing. If you ask us, the whole thing would be much better if there were some furries involved. MacNab notes the suit was dismissed by a real federal judge yesterday, which means the loonies are likely to "turn their 'paper terrorism' on the judge," and once that happens, "these nitwits will feel the full weight of the federal government come crashing down on them."

Oh, also, the loons sued a couple media outlets for their defamatory coverage, which made these constitutional law officers appear to be mere crinimals trying to bust a buddy out of jail. We can hardly wait to see what fun fake-legal documents they try to file against Yr Wonkette.

Now all of you, the person, the agent, the settler and the individual, get to Open Threading!

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[JJ MacNab on Twitter / Crazy lawsuit pdf / Valencia County News-Bulletin]