23 December, 2015 15:45

PADDY MUNRO | Contributor | CONTACT

In a defiant follow-up to the controversial “Stoner Sloth” public health campaign, yesterday the New South Wales Government has launched its newest anti-drugs mascot, the “Pinger Pelican”.

The campaign depicts the struggle of a young pelican as he chases his jaw all over town, as well as the everyday tasks that become a very difficult when you are “cooked like a casserole”.

After being distracted by the waterfall of sweat flowing over his brow and onto his feathers, the youthful anti-drug mascot becomes too “lit up” to realise its bottom jaw had left the local pub hours before him.

An anonymous former NRL superstar and State of Origin hero has thrown his weight behind the campaign at its launch.

“I wish I knew how scattered I looked when I was cutting around my hometown,” said the gifted athlete and well-known party boy.

“Everyone wonders how I got away with dropping twelve roundies then fronting up to training the next day. I just didn’t realise the sound of my teeth grinding was what gave Parra the edge during the [unspecified grand final]”

“There needs to be a bit more information out there surrounding the doopers. We used to eat the things like Maltesers ’til I got pinched”

Filmed in the regional NSW town of Bathurst, “Pete the Pelican” stars in a series of three 30 second films, 45 .GIFs and Tumblr, Tinder and Grindr ads about the perils of MDMA use, framed around the tagline “You’re a pest on pingers.”

Pete starts his night at the local bowls club, quietly enjoying a few schooners with some friends.

After a chance encounter with the “houso hero” at the poker machines (played by AFL superstar Dustin Martin) Pete ingests an ecstasy tablet.

In the first 30 second advertisement Pete proceeds to completely ignore bowling club etiquette and drives a bowl straight into the gutter, kicking sand onto the green and angering the local groundskeeper.

“How are me mower blades sposed [sic] to stay sharp? The whole greens fucked you little prick!” yells the custodian as he takes Pete out to the back lane and “flogs the piss out of him” – a visual and violent depiction of the hazards of ecstacy use, especially if consumed while also being a “lippy c**nt”.

This first advertisement is the start of a concerted campaign by the government to rid the streets and towns of NSW of dangerous “disco biccies”.

Premier Mike Baird, whose department was behind the #stonersloth campaign, hopes to continue his successful war on drugs in NSW.

“We have already seen considerate changes in the rates of cannabis usage in New South Wales, thanks to the ‘viral’ Stoner Sloth campaign,” said Premier Baird.

“This high uptake of sharable public health information informed our decision to stick with [the advertising company] Saatchi & Saatchi and continue our use of adorable animals to dissuade the youth of our state from running the trap.

“Without giving anything away, Michael the meth addicted marsupial is crawling out of his skin to make a difference.”