How to Recover from a Midlife Crisis?

The key is to reconnect with our younger selves by learning from the next generation.

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When we talk about midlife crisis, we often picture the dad who suddenly buys himself a Porsche while his wife shakes her head in the driveway. We also picture the wife who suddenly realized that she has to take off on a girl’s only trip. Except, she wants to “take off”, not for a week, but for a few months to re-discover herself again. Time flies. By the time we hit middle-age: 45–64, we often realize that perhaps we’ve missed out on a lot. I mean our 20s have gone by. Our 30s have gone by. And, well, our 40s are also leaving us behind. When we compare ourselves to others, we can easily feel inadequate. Are we married? Have we done enough with our careers? Have we bought a house? Have we settled down with a couple of kids in tow? Are we enjoying adult life? Is this the life we pictured in our twenties?

When we compare, we inevitably feel stressed about the fact that we encountered bumps along the way. Perhaps, we slowed down because of these bumps along the way. We’ve gotten comfortable. We don’t speed up anymore. We are in some kind of comfortable hell that makes us reach for our white wines in the afternoons, fill our bellies with organic backyard BBQs on the weekends, and go on online shopping sprees at night. Hey you, I’m talking about you too — the dad, who’s perusing Home Depot on the weekends to escape the chaos in your house. The dad, who’s the pillar of your community. Yet, somehow, you still feel like you need more in your life. At the same time, you honestly don’t know what brings you joy anymore.

In America, we are comfortable. We live in the lap of luxury and we seldom acknowledge this. Even when we are in debt up to our eyeballs, we are still living in a giant house. We are still feeding our bank accounts. We still have jobs with monthly paychecks to feed our kids.

Why do we still feel empty inside even when we have most things that we desired in life? Is there something wrong with us?

I hit my mid-life crisis when I turned 36 years old. I was no longer satisfied with my career. Suddenly, I realized I wasted my life pleasing people who weren’t important to me at all. I had a mindset shift. I wanted to live in joy. I wanted to live in a kind of fulfillment that is more than intellectual, material, and full of dollar signs. I wanted to feel “full”. For once, I wanted to appreciate everything in my life. I wanted to give back.

This is when I turned my life upside down. I moved away to a different part of the state. I used my savings to try my hand at a different career. I allowed myself to fail many, many times. Then, I picked myself up. I became a single mother. I started raising a child without any support. Ultimately, I arrived at a new career, with a child in tow, and an entirely different kind of family around me.

What a way of dealing with my mid-life crisis, right?

Sometimes, the drama is simply the motivation or the kick-in-the-butt that we needed. If your husband cheats on you with the secretary, that maybe his way of telling you that he needs a change. Whether or not that he wants you along for the ride while he figures out what to do next is another story. In the meantime, just know that the drama shall pass. What will be left will be a heartfelt moment when he realizes the meaning of this life for him. That moment may come in a year, in two years, or ten years. You may be there when he has this revelation or you may not be there.

Is there an alternative other than all this drama?

Ultimately, I found that the best way to go through the mid-life crisis is simply to bring out your “twenty” years old self. Except, this time around, your twenty years old self comes with a lot more wisdom and (hopefully) with a bit of a bank account.

Visualize: what would it be like to take a ride with your twenty years old self?

Reconnecting with your “twenty” years old self?

For me, meeting people who are in their twenties, whether through work, school, or other social settings, allowed me to re-connect with my own twenty years old self. In my early thirties, I used to look at teenagers and twenty years olds as threatening. They threatened my sanity. They made me hyper-aware of my vulnerabilities. But, when I hit my mid-thirties, I realized that they are the bridge that will bring me back to my true self. I can see parts of myself in each of the twenty years olds that I meet. I can see their worries, their dreams, their energy, and their longing. I can feel their restlessness, anxiety, and fears. Most of all, I start to see what my “twenty” years old self would do in my current life.

She’d probably play a game of tag with my son while laughing like a kid.

She’d work out in the 15 minutes that she has after washing the dishes.

She’d spend most of her time writing creatively without caring about bringing in a fat paycheck.

She’d use her disposable income to travel.

She’d give her middle finger to anyone who shot envious glances, pitying glances, or judgmental glances.

She’d live to be simply completely “involved” with life.

Stop wondering and start making small changes

Instead of buying a Porche, or making the big decision to leave, how about taking small actions every day to live the dreams that you had when you were “twenty” years old. If you are tied down with a mortgage, a house, kids, and a family, think about taking those little actions during your free time.

How would you have more fun in bed with your spouse?

Can you start a company with only 2 hours a day?

Did you ever want to take the whole family to an exotic location for vacation?

Did you ever want to learn to kickbox like a real pro?

Have you laughed until you dropped lately?

Allow yourself to feel full and fulfilled for 15 minutes a day. Then, with time, see that 15 minutes stretch to an hour. Eventually, the more your actions of change occupy your life, the more satisfied you will be with your life.

Move on from your disappointments and revise your dreams

The real kicker of a mid-life crisis is when you realize that you had many dreams in your twenties. But, most of them did not come true. What have you done with your life? The truth is that making dreams come true is hard. It takes more than talent, energy, and persistence. It takes a mega-dose of luck. This luck doesn’t just happen. You gather this luck with each action that you take in life. Don’t feel bad if luck wasn’t on your side last time around.

You have every right to revise your dreams.

When I think of all the sacrifices I made to have a family, I feel disappointed that I put my dreams on hold. But, rather than dwelling on my disappointment, I choose to revise my dreams so that I can pursue them when my child is asleep, I can pursue them on the weekends, I can pursue them with extra resources that we have.

The cost of not revising your dream is that you will never feel quite full.

Learn from the young

Our kids and the young people in our lives have much to teach us. People say that “the more you live, the more you realized you don’t know anything.” This is very true. The more experiences I have in life, the more perspectives I’ve looked at things, the less inclined I am to deal with life with a one-track mind. I marvel at kids’ abilities to just figure it out. I marvel at the “naive” confidence of a teenager. I marvel at the sheer will of people in their twenties.

This is how I learn to deal with situations now is by channeling them.

When I start a new project, I channel my toddler’s ability to just figure it out. When I feel down on myself, I pretend I’m a teenager who knows exactly what to do and does so without apologies. When I feel like I want to quit, I tell myself that I have all the time in the world. I pretend I’m twenty years old all over again.