In Fritz Lang’s 1927 ‘masterpiece’ Metropolis, he depicts the future as a dystopian society based on the communist social crisis between workers and owners. Boooooooring!

What he should have done is wheeled out the smack-talking robots, the flying cars and the holographic sex-simulators. This is what people are waiting for.

Of course, predicting the future is always a risky one. For example, we’re nearly a decade into the 21st century and I’m still waiting for a house-cleaning robot. Thanks for nothing Tomorrow’s World. There’s always that slight fear that it might turn homicidal but anything’s got to be better than scrubbing the toilet yourself.

With that in mind, take a look at these great movie inventions from the future. I swear, if I have to live one more year of my life without some sort of jet-propelled vehicle, I’ll freeze myself in cryogenic stasis until the robots are in charge.

DEMOLITION MAN – INVENTION: THE THREE SHELLS

Do you know how much Andrex spend on research and development? Nothing.

They don’t even have an R&D department, they shut it down after one meeting and filled it with naughty puppies. Someone said “ummm how about paper?” and that was it. Seriously, the science of bottom-wiping technology is way under-funded.

I could give you a detailed history in three words: hands > leaves > paper. No wonder Sly is confused when faced with ‘The Three Shells’. God knows how they work, but I can’t wait to find out. It’ll put a few puppies out of a job when it happens, but hey, that’s the price of progress.

Set in: 2032

TOTAL RECALL – INVENTION: REKALL MEMORY IMPLANT MACHINE

All the fun of going on holiday but without any of the stress.

The Rekall machine will implant happy vacation memories into your skull while carefully leaving out the 4.30am flight and that couple from Milton Keynes who followed you round all week and plan to call you as soon as you get home.

Originally, Paul Verhoeven had Arnie going in for a Torremolinos implant; two weeks in Spain eating egg and chips, getting sunburn and sleeping with receptionists from Essex. Wisely though, in the final cut of the film, Torremolinos was bumped in place of a spying mission to Mars.

Set in: 2084

SPACE 2001 – INVENTION: HAL 9000

Given that this film was set almost 10 years ago, the sat nav manufacturers of today really need to pull their fingers out.

HAL is capable of emotion, reasoning and speech recognition; the best we currently have is a snooty woman with an in-depth knowledge of the A34. Granted, HAL does abuse his position somewhat with the attempted murder of his ship’s crew but at least he has a sweet singing voice.

Set in: 2001

THE RUNNING MAN – INVENTION: THE RUNNING MAN GAME SHOW

Not so much an invention, more a concept: a game-show in which competitors are forced into a brutal battle to the death with professional gladiators.

We have the technology, we just need a brave TV exec to green-light it and we’re away. I’d be particularly interested in a ‘celebrity’ version of the show.

Who can honestly say that they wouldn’t enjoy seeing the cast of Hollyoaks ground into their constituent parts by a madman with a chainsaw? Hmm, might need to be on after the watershed, but if we can tack on some sort of text-vote I’m sure it’ll be a go.

Set in: 2017

THE FIFTH ELEMENT – INVENTION: THE FLYING CAR

Now we’re talking. This is a proper flying car. Look at the way it soars up and down, weaves in and out and makes cool whirring noises wherever it goes. A couple of things bother me though.

There still seems to be a lot of traffic and those police are pretty over-zealous – what starts out as a dinged wing-mirror quickly escalates into a flying machine-gun battle. Bruce Willis should have just pulled over and left a note with his insurance details.



Set: 2263

BACK TO THE FUTURE 2 – INVENTION: THE HOVERBOARD

Looking at the hoverboard from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, the day-glo paint-job is about as early 90’s as it’s possible to get. Not so futuristic you might think… or is it?

Neon colours are back thanks to the Klaxons and a whole host of like-minded idiots. So, if Robert Zemeckis was right in predicting that, maybe he’ll be right about the whole hovering-board aspect of it too. Depressingly, it might also point to a revival of mid 90’s fashion.

Still, if I can get my hands on a hoverboard, I’ll gladly stick on a Union Jack dress and a Kangol bucket-hat.

Set in: 2015


Christian KeeleyFor more fabricated movie madness, read our Who Wants To Milk A Slumdog Millionaire article, which looks at which. Or if you’re really into the Running Man, head over to our list of the. Officially awesome.