OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD Star Stable is like totally a thing! And you can have a horse, and be in the world, and… WAIT WHAT IS THIS?! You can only be a girl?! MISANDRY! THIS IS MISANDRY! FINALLY I AM EXPERIENCING WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE A SUFFRAGETTE.

It’s not like they just leave it at this gross act of sexism, either. They have to rub it in, too. “Every year hundreds of boys and girls from all over the world come to Jorvik to practice their riding at the island’s riding camps.” OH DO THEY? The boys do, do they? AND HOW DO THEY GET PAST YOUR FEMINAZI GUARDS?

This vile prejudice is deeply entwined in the game’s mythos, as well.

“The legend says that Jorvik once was a lifeless rock in the middle of a dark and cold ocean until the day a star fell from the sky. From the impact of the star emerged a girl on a horse, shining from within with a glowing light. Majestically she rode across the surface of the ocean and her presence calmed the rough waters.. In her right hand she held a shining candle. The girl and her horse reached the middle of the dead island and placed the candle. Light and life spread from that single flame and what once was cold and dark bloomed with light and warmth.”

Once you’re started (I created a WOMAN called Zsuzsanna Turtlestreet), riding on your horse (mine is called Thunderchampion), you enter a world of women. Just girls on horses, and no boys, because GAMING HATES MEN. Well, one boy. Justin. He works at the stables, and he sends you on your first quest – to find a girl to tell you (because boys can’t tell you things, I SUPPOSE) to ride in a circle. Then another girl tells you to ride in another circle slightly faster. But this girl is horrid!

After you’ve ridden in her circle, yet another girl tells you to ride in a really big circle, before you come back to the horrible Loretta who sends you back to Justin. But, because men are just meat for girls to stare at in games these days where men are basically marginalised to the point where we’re not even allowed to tell someone to go back to the kitchen and make us a sandwich without some FEMINIST telling us that gaming’s not for us any more, Justin is fought over like the piece of meat I was just describing. Loretta instructs me that “Justin’s mine!” and I’m not to go near him, while giving me a quest to go hear him.

Returning to Justin I was told I needed to gather items to groom my horse, whereupon the game froze up my entire PC, PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM A MAN.

If you want to subject your children to this despicable feminist propaganda, the game is designed to be entirely child friendly, with pre-determined names and no way to use speech to call others horrid names (like “boy” PROBABLY). And it’s free up to level 5.