New swinger couples often tell me that it is hard for them to make the first move either online or in a club, because they are afraid to be rejected or to be branded as ‘pushy’.

When we just started, I got really affected by rejection. When a couple says ‘no, thank you’, I would tend to think something was wrong with my hair, my dress, or my make up, or may be I looked too slutty and forward despite my efforts to look innocent? But then we realized that we say no too, and quite a lot. There are many reasons why we do so. We may already be previously engaged otherwise at the moment, we may like the female but not the male; I may be having that ‘time of the month’, so we came to the club just to hang out, or, we have just played with another couple and are about to leave, or, we just want to take a break. There may be a hundred different explanations why we had to say no at that particular moment to that particular couple, and not liking them is only one of those.

I should assume that other people also have a similar set of reasons why they say no, so I should not feel bad about it. My husband never gets hurt by a rejection, though. He always says, “OK, this one is a ‘no’, means, statistically, we are getting closer to a ‘yes'”. The same goes for online contacts.

In other words, swinging is like shopping for shoes. It’s a numbers game. You have to touch, try and reject a lot of them, before you find what will please you for the moment. And, in a couple of weeks, you want new shoes, and the trial starts again… So, we learned to treat rejection as a necessary evil on our path to ultimate pleasure. What about you?