45 SHARES Share Tweet

The following is an op-ed by Bill Dickerdolldildo, founder of Totes Biased America, leading voice in right-wing Facebook commentary. The views and expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of The Pastiche Post or its overlord, Emperor George Soros. They do reflect the views of a few million gun nuts, however.

Dear Cucked Americans,

Let me just tell you all something that your government backed education clearly never told you — we get our rights from God.

No, not from some hippy-dippy libtard version of God. Not from some non-Christian — and therefore FAKE — God. From our one, true American God®. It’s called “natural law,” you dinkuses. It states, very clearly, that everyone in this country has a right to a firearm. Not just any firearm, though, to every firearm. Because the Second Amendment is very clear in its two and a half century old legal text written by people who owned slaves and didn’t trust the dumb commoner enough to vote (good policy, we should return to that, even if that means a huge number of conservatives couldn’t vote, because we pretend that we’re all rich billionaires, but most of us don’t even own the double-wide we rent from our cousin-sister-wives).

So you can trot out all the teenagers you’d like, as if teenagers have ever done anything in this country except end the Vietnam War, fight the Axis powers in World War II, wage the Civil War to settle the question of slavery, etc. It won’t change a damn thing. In fact, all it means is that those of us who feel triggered by intelligent teenagers and rational adults having very logical conversations about how to curb the number of guns that end up in psychopaths’ hands will be stockpiling even more arms…against you. And against people who think like you, your children, and of course our government, who is likely to go full on tyrannical in the next day or two, I’m sure.

The question you have to ask yourself is why you won’t let us do that. Why won’t you let us stock up on guns we intend to one day use against you because we’ve gotten so desperate after losing elections we can’t win because of the Electoral Participation Trophy College? I think we know the answer. It’s because you’re cowardly cucked beta males, period.

Argument won, already. But let me continue to spew pabulum and platitudes from behind my thick beard, shall we?

You have to ask yourself, libtards, why you have such a problem with good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing Americans storing massive weapons caches in their homes, on the off chance they need to murder their fellow Americans. Yes, we view anyone to the left of Calvin Coolidge as a commie socialist, and that means that we will absolutely be putting liberal Americans in our cross hairs, but ask yourself why you are so threatened by that.

Why are you triggered by trigger happy Americans? What possible harm is being done to you? At worst, it’s being done to your kids, but I ask you this in all sincerity, do we really need more liblets running around, daring to use their Constitutional rights to beg for more sensibility in our gun laws? Of course we don’t. In truth, we need to probably round a bunch of you up and put you into the FEMA camps Obama was going to put we conservatives in force gay marriages on us. We probably need to cull a few million of you, you know, for the good of liberty.

You understand.

Just because we are openly planning for the day when we have to put a bullet in you, your kids, and everyone who thinks like you, that doesn’t mean you can’t trust us with guns. I will just never understand why liberals are so afraid of people who call them mentally ill commies, worthy of death. We’re the patriots, here people. We’re so patriotic we know we have to kill Americans who don’t agree with our political beliefs, and it says it right in the Constitution…somewhere in the back.

Remember, our rights come from God, not from other humans having discussions and debates and ultimately compromising on laws. So if you wanna stand up to God’s will, which is very obviously that every American with an IQ just north of single digits have at least forty or fifty guns, then so be it. But don’t blame me when you’re rotting in Hell.

We are a nation of laws, liberals. Those laws need to be upheld with our guns. Because sure, we have cops, and sure we have the most powerful military in the history of the species. However, I like guns. A lot. And that really should be the end of the debate. If we do not continue to live our lives adhering to extremist interpretations of laws written centuries before any of us were born, the republic is surely doomed.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.