INTERVIEW LOG

DATE: 2012/02/02

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Thaum

SUBJECT: SCP-3143, SCP-3143-A

NOTE: Dr. Thaddeus Thaum is part of the Pataphysics Department. He has a degree in English Literature, and specializes in the analysis of fiction.

FADE IN:

INT. MURPHY LAW DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT

A light-skinned man sits alone in his office; a blade of moonlight cuts across his face. His trademark trilby hat is tossed thoughtlessly across his desk; a bent cigarette is nearby, left smoldering in an ashtray. His shirt is stained with blood — some of it might even be his own.

He's got a slug of bourbon in his hand, a slug of lead buried in his chest, and 6 more waiting for the next son of a bitch who comes through that door — courtesy of his .44.

His name is MURPHY LAW, and if you think his number is up, then you haven't been counting. He's the sort of man you pray for when you need him — and the sort you curse when you don't.

He is also our NARRATOR. His voice is a husky snarl; as if he's got a throat stuffed full of sand-paper and rusty nails.

NARRATOR

If there's one thing the Foundation is good at, it's tying up loose ends. I knew it was just a matter of time before the lab-coats tried to shove me in a box.

The door to the office flies open. An old man in a lab-coat enters; he's got a scowl so deep it's been carved down into the bone. This is DR. THAUM, and he's here to get to the bottom of this — no matter what the cost.

NARRATOR

But if they wanted to contain me, they were gonna need a bigger box.

DR. THAUM

Hello, SCP-3143. How are you doing, today?

NARRATOR

He wanted answers. I just wanted out.

MURPHY finishes the shot of bourbon and levels his pistol at DR. THAUM's chest.

MURPHY

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't ventilate you right now, doc.

DR. THAUM raises an eyebrow, folding his arms across his chest.

DR. THAUM

Because you can't.

NARRATOR

If he thought I didn't have the moxie to plug him full of lead, then he had another thing coming. Specifically, a whole lot of lead.

DR. THAUM

You do know that I can hear you narrating, right?

NARRATOR

What the hell was he on about? Something wasn't right.

DR. THAUM

You're an intrafictional construct; a sapient story that can warp reality. Specifically, you flatten it into a movie script that mimics crime-fiction and hard-boiled noir.

NARRATOR

This wasn't… what?

DR. THAUM

And let's be honest — it's not even proper noir. The defining element of the style is the anti-hero; the character with no prospects, trapped in a world with no future. But after reviewing your file, I can see that you don't qualify.

MURPHY

I don't… qualify…?

DR. THAUM

Your narrative is heroic and simple, with clear villains and heroes. In the end, the day is saved without consequence. That's not hard-boiled — it's certainly not noir. You're just fantasy escapism dressed up in a suit, a hat, and a drinking habit.

MURPHY: Where — where are we? What's happening?

DR. THAUM: You rely on the tropes of noir — outwardly rejecting the notion of appearances and style while secretly embracing them — engaging in a hyper-masculine narrative based around the myth of the frontier, only projected in an urban environment…

MURPHY: What is this?

DR. THAUM: …but you fail to faithfully replicate their complex, dense settings where moral action is all but impossible. You fail to connect to the essence of what makes noir what it is. You are, in a sense, merely parodying it. An unintentional satire, if you will.

SCP-3143: What's going on?!

DR. THAUM: And on top of it all, your name is based on an absurdly contrived pun.

SCP-3143: What are you doing?!

DR. THAUM: I'm deconstructing you, SCP-3143. I'm containing you.

SCP-3143: I… I don't understand…

DR. THAUM: I'd like to speak with the author, please. Mr. Lawden? Are you there?

SCP-3143-A: How…?

DR. THAUM: Hello, SCP-3143-A.

SCP-3143-A: Where am I? Who am I?

DR. THAUM: You are Murphy Lawden, a retired shoe-salesman from New Jersey. You live alone — save for your two cats.

SCP-3143-A: I'm…? Oh, God. How did I get here?

DR. THAUM: We believe you accidentally created an intrafictional construct. Do you recall a screen-play of yours? It Always Rains?

SCP-3143-A: I… I think so. I don't — oh, God.

DR. THAUM: I think we've done enough for today, Mr. Lawden. I'll give you a chance to rest and settle in; we can continue this interview later, if that's alright with you?

SCP-3143-A: I… yeah. Uh, yeah. Okay. Okay. I need to gather my thoughts.

DR. THAUM: Of course.

[END LOG]