The Walking Dead

S27E03

"SHANE Brings the PAIN" We open with another boring TALKING SCENE on Rick's little Farmville homestead. Could settle literally anywhere in the continental United States but yeah sure bro how about a place surrounded by forest where you can get surprise attacked EVERY OTHER episode. Sounds good bro. Cool leadership RICK. This Walking Dad already got his own wife and kid killed for no reason let's not forget. Now Rick is prancing around in his skinny jeans talking about his EMOTIONS to samurai girlfriend Michonne.

"Y'know Meh-shown, I'm trying to be the LEADER but it's just so HARD and I really doubt all me decisions (yeah you should rick) and I just don't know about the future of this community and...." Michonne just kinda rolls the eyes and polishes her dope sweet ass ninja blade. Sure bet on the wrong horse with this one. Coulda got yourself involved with a cool guy like Tyreese or Aaron back in season 5 girl. Just as Rick is about to continue lamenting his capabilities as a leader and a man and probably a lover- there's a KNOCK on the GATE. The rickety gate slowly opens.... who could this BE.....? CreeeeeeaaaaaaakKLABAM!!! Entire gate just got RIPPED right open!

And there stands SHANE . The Shanester's back baby!

" Rrrrrrihk !" fliping screams Shane like the testosterone-fueled ALPHA GRIZZLY BEAR he is. "What's this sad flimsy ass gate all about!!? Y'can't protect'em Rihk!!" "Whoa s-s-Shane what are y-you doing here I thought you got turned to z-z-zombie?" trembles Rick Grimes incompetently.

"Got real TIRED of your MUCKIN' ABOUT, Rihk! Did myself weighted pushups for 7 years straight to get this pathethic zombie virus out of my system Rrrihk!"

"Wow I didn't know there was a cure for-"

Shane SLAPS Rick's pouty little mouth something fierce. Enough talk. And now Shane rips off his T-shirt revealing his glistening muscles and wild meadow of chest hair and bronzed complexion. Strong Shane! "We're getting this juicy redneck train back on the tracks" announces Shane. "Everyone: you got 3 minutes to pack up your shit. We're leaving this dingy sandalwood crack shack in 180 seconds on the DOT. Let's GO!!! "Hey now, hold up Shane," interrupts Rick 'negative T-count' Grimes while everything scrambles to pack up their nasty ripped shirts (do the zombies eat hecking laundry detergent in this world or what? why everybody nasty?) "I don't know Shane, perhaps we should-"

!!SLAP!! that's Rick getting his ovaries slapped straight yet again .

"Y'can't protect'em Rihk" whomps human beta blocker Shane. Shane walks past the prison cell where Negan is kept.

"Now WHAT in the FRESH , diggity, slap my papa with a whoppah, ever living FUDGE do we got going on HERE!!??? RrrrrrRRR RRRrrrihhk ???!!!!?"

"That is Negan, he killed many of our people so we keep him prisoner-"

"""PRISONER""???"

"If we kill our enemies, we become just as bad as them. So we must try to-"

"CAN'TPROTECT'EMRIHK"

Large Shane, with zero effort, ROARS like a LION KING on CRYSTAL METH and bends the steel prison bars. Negan: "Whoa whoa hey now, big guy, maybe we can talk about this..." Screaming Shane TEARS OFF Negan's right leg and starts bashing the charismatic TV villain's skull with it. "Got y'self a headache bro?! That's what I call... a SHANE ANEURYSM!!!!" thunder yells the shirtless blood-soaked V80 engine of RAGE. And all the Walking Dead villagers (especially Michonne) laugh so hard at this cool one-liner from cool Shane! 28 days later

Beverly Hills Shane now has successfully led Rick's posse away from the dirty unsafe Camp Get-Your-Brain-Ate to the nice Hollywood hills! Wow thank you Shane!

Michonne is tanning poolside with a mojito instead of stressing in a grubby Georgia hut. Useless Rick Grimes is bumbling about "setting up perimeters" but nobody pays heed to this soy milk-chugging beta clown. Shane, untamed dragon in a human body, now rolls up in a golden stretch hummer. Driving while doing bicep curls with a weighted ZOMBIE PANTHER. Plus wearing badass vest with a TWO big skulls on it! "You there, clitface," he roles down the window and addresses Rick, "go make yourself useful and help me set up for MOVIE NIGHT. Leader Shane presents the first monthly Expendables Trilogy marathon! Some REAL culture up in this.... culture !" 28 minutes later Shane has scavenged a cool retro Hollywood MOVIE PROJECTOR . Classy! Cool! Cool Shane! As expected, Rick 'which way do I wipe' Grimes is struggling to get it working.

"Rrrrihk! What's the holdup!?!"

"I just," moans bumbling Rick, "can't get these gosh darn film reels to play... how do I even...."

"Just get the movies on the screen Rihk!"

"Sorry but I've never done this before, how do I adjust this lens-"

"Y'CANT PROJECT 'EM RIHK"





the end