Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is the offspring of that original gangsta, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. This PBS Kids' cartoon is probably a favorite of any kid of yours under 4 years old who doesn’t already watch The Walking Dead with you because you figure they aren’t really watching. (Get back to me when they try to stab a preschooler in the head who “looked like a walker, daddy!”)

When you watch enough of Daniel Tiger, you start to really know just how the land of make believe is really just a front for what I assume is probably a writer’s acid trip. Let me help you navigate the characters worst to best before your kid demands to watch it for the 184th time today:

Prince Wednesday: SCREW THIS GUY. He’s the 1% rubbing it in our royal faces. What’s up with that? We don’t have to be constantly reminded you live in a castle. You’re a royal pain in the ass.

Katerina Kittycat: Every time she says “Meow Meow” I want to meow freaking punch her in the meow meow face. Can you imagine your friend twirling mid-sentence during every conversation? Because that’s Katerina. Showing off her great dance skills. She’s a one-trick pony. Or one-trick kitty. Either way, she’s going to be rejected by Guilliard and end up dropping out of college, mumbling about how the judges just didn’t “get her meow meow” on America’s Got Talent.

O the Owl: O is absolutely the loser of the group. O is that kid you hang out with who said “Are you sure we should be doing this?” even if you were just trying to cross the street. O will be in for a rough time in high school before developing a dating app, selling it for a billion dollars, and marrying and then divorcing Katerina Kittycat.

Daniel Striped Dad Tiger: On the positive side, he’s a very involved dad. He also built his son a sweet treehouse. He’s got a job at the clock factory, but does not seem to be going Captain Hook-style insane from the constant tick-tock. On the negative side, the dude never cracks jokes and is constantly hammering Daniel with morals and lessons. It would be like living with the Pope but without the cool car. Also, working in a clock factory means being prompt for your shift is necessary. You can’t argue about what time you clocked in. He should work in an hourglass factory.

Grandpere Tiger: Nope. You’re in America, not France.

Teacher Harriet: Can we just agree Teacher Harriet is snorting Xanax? Have you ever met a preschool teacher that calm? Daniel could set her hair on fire and Teacher Harriet would just start singing some song like, “Hair on fire, not right to do, find the flame that’s right for you!” and we’d all nod and go, “Yeah that sounds like sound advice.” If anyone is secretly a homicidal maniac, it’s Teacher Harriet. She’s seen some things.

Henrietta Pussycat: She’s married to an “actor named Javier”. I’m pretty sure, based on his lack of appearances, that that marriage is rocky. I’d watch your man, Lady Elaine. Henrietta is on the prowl.

Uncle X: What in the honest hell is up with this guy? Is he representing the Comic Con/Nerd segment? He's O's uncle, but where’s O’s dad? An exec producer on the show said it was "important to the Fred Rogers Company that X the Owl remains a crusty old bachelor as he was in the original series.” That is an interesting editorial choice for a children’s show. Prepare for a spin-off: Uncle X: The Dating Experience, where Uncle X goes on a bunch of bad, awkward first dates that always end with him asking the girl if she’ll give him a hoot.

Mom Tiger: There’s one theory out there that her parents are dead and that’s why we haven’t seen them. I’d prefer to think her parents didn’t approve of her marrying Daniel Striped Dad Tiger and they don’t speak anymore, and sometimes she has to sing a life lesson to herself when Daniel’s at school to avoid hitting the bottle again. Otherwise, she seems like a lovely mother.

Queen Sara Saturday: Another original member but she’s downgraded on this show to basically a non-speaking role. And that’s a shame, because Sara Saturday sounds like a killer secret agent name. Oh shit, is she a secret agent?

Music Man Stan: Miss Elaina’s dad who seems way too cool for this neighborhood. I would like him to be friend, and then I remember he’s probably that guy at a party who busts out a guitar. Nobody likes that guy. Except Henrietta Pussycat. You KNOW she loves that kind of guy.

King Friday XIII: The original gangster. He was the regal presence on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. He lets the kids eat food from his orchard, so that’s cool. But he also allows the kids to vote on which piece of playground equipment he’ll pay for in the park. So there’s a democratic process in a monarchy? These are confusing lessons on authority.

Daniel Tiger: For a main character on a kids’ show, he’s mostly harmless. He makes my kid smile, so points for that. He also is the most mild-mannered, sensible, balanced, forward-thinking toddler ever, who makes my otherwise pleasant toddler look like Chucky by comparison. It’s like working out beside a supermodel, except the supermodel refuses to wear pants and thinks you are “grr-iffic,” wait, hold on, this might instead just be a fantasy I had.

Chrissie (Prince Wednesday’s cousin): Chrissie is disabled and is totally cool with Daniel saying a string of insensitive comments about how she can’t do all the stuff he can. The fact there is a disabled character with braces is great as a way to expose kids to that population. There was an actress with spina bifida in the original show, who was the grandkid of Mr. McFeely. On here, she’s the cousin of Prince Freaking Tuesday. That seems a harsh penalty.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: I did not know that Miss Elaina was her kid (Lady Elaine is white/Miss Elaina is black) until they visited her at work and then it was like, “Wow, PBS is doing some progressive shit right here.” Hard to hate on one of the original ballers of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Downside: Her voice sounds like a garbled gypsy.

Miss Elaina: She gets it. She questions authority, and I’ve got respect for that. When the kids had dress up day, Miss Elaina was like, “Yeah, I’m gonna wear like 6 costumes because you can’t make me choose” and then she went and did it. She also calls everyone “Toots”, which seems like a boss move.

Dr. Anna: Daniel’s doctor. Little known fact, she’s out-of-network, so those doctor visits are forcing Daniel Striped Dad Tiger to work overtime at the clock factory, which has lousy benefits. She seems to be pro-vaccine, based on the time Daniel gets a shot. Jim Carrey therefore hates her.

Baker Aker: I think he screwed Daniel over on the birthday cake. Daniel brings the cake home and it’s already ruined? Seems like Baker Aker was sloppy. I do want him to compete on Cupcake Wars so he can sing a life lesson right in the middle of the damn competition. That would psych me out! Wouldn’t you freak out mid-bake if the guy next to you starts singing about patience or some shit?

Margaret: Daniel’s baby sister. I pray each episode there is a song about how it’s not nice to smother your sister with a pillow, as I’m hoping my son would heed those words with his baby sisters. If he smothers them, that blood is on your hands, PBS. Make this happen.

Mr. McFeely: True story: I met Mr. “Speedy Delivery” McFeely in person when I was a kid. A true gentleman with the perfect mustache. I do not understand why the U.S. Postal Service has not made him the spokesman. They wouldn’t be in the current fiscal mess they are in. On Daniel Tiger, Mr. McFeely doesn’t make many appearances, probably because Daniel just orders his Tiggey action figures through Amazon and has UPS deliver. Mr. McFeely will be unemployed soon.

Prince Tuesday: Might be of the premiere characters on PBS. He’s wealthy as God, but doesn’t rub it in your face, and still has a working man’s job at the grocery store. He also eschews typical gender roles and babysat Daniel Tiger. When Daniel and that asshole Prince Wednesday broke Tuesday’s crown, he didn’t punch them in the face as I would have. He instead sang them a lesson, which isn’t too far from Omar whistling on The Wire.

Trolly: A sentient machine. Because of self-preservation, Trolly must therefore be ranked number one. He does not give a shit about schedules. He just shows up when he shows up. Trolly is like one of those Google cars except he runs on anti-depressants and bell chimes.