I. The Idea

This is a personality quiz that will determine what NBA player archetype you most closely resemble. You will answer 10 multiple-choice questions, and you will receive points for each answer, and your total score will determine your fate. There are eight different players whom you might end up as, and each of those players has specific skills and traits that will, in theory, reveal the type of person you are.

Now, I would like to tell you who each of the eight NBA players are up front, but I’m not going to do that because I know the same as you do that if I do that, there will be a part of you that angles your answers in hopes that you’ll land on a specific result, and if that’s happening then what’s even the point of this whole thing, you know what I’m saying? I’ll give you an example:

Let’s say — and this is definitely not the case — but let’s say that one of the eight quiz results was, "Congratulations! You are Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time!," and another one of the quiz results was, "Congratulations! You are Bryant Reeves, the Big Country–est basketball player of all time!" If you went into the quiz knowing that, you would, I’m guessing, try to make it so that you would end up as Michael Jordan, because, I mean, sure, it’d be a little funny to find out you were spiritually connected to Bryant Reeves, but actually it’d be super-duper sad.

As such, I’m not going to tell you who the final-answer players are (nor am I going to tell you what each one represents) until the end of the quiz.

II. The Warning

Back before I was a writer (and back even before I was a teacher), I worked for a construction company in Houston that built residential properties. My job there was — OK, you know how when you buy an expensive electronic thing it comes with a warranty against defects? It works the same way with new houses. A homeowner buys a new home and for a period of one to 10 to 30 years, the builder will cover a certain range of things against defects. That was my job: Whenever something went wrong in your new house, I was the guy you’d call to come look at the problem and figure out what the issue was and then get that issue fixed.

Now, to be certain, when I was in college I never had any interest in the construction sciences(?), and I definitely didn’t develop any interest in them while I worked there. But that didn’t matter. I was 23 years old and I had just graduated college and I wanted a job and the guy who was promising the job said they’d pay me $32,000 a year if I got hired and, I mean, at the time — whooo boy — I knew I was gonna be living the life of a damn sultan on that salary.

But, so: Before they hired me, they made me take a personality quiz. The quiz, I was told, would tell them whether or not I would be a good fit for the job, so it was important that I scored well on it. I don’t remember exactly how long that quiz was — it was something like 100 questions — but I do remember taking it and thinking, "This is the dumbest goddamn thing." It was pretty easy to sniff out which questions were the control questions and which ones were the questions testing for consistency, and also I had a pretty good idea of the kind of person they were looking for to fill that role, and so rather than answer everything as honestly as possible, I just filled in all my answer selections as though I were their ideal candidate.

Two or three days after I’d taken the test, they called me and asked me to come in to go over the results. I went to their offices and sat down in a small office, and a large man with a barrel chest came in (nearly every person who works in construction is a large man with a barrel chest). He was holding a folder and he started asking me questions about the test and how I thought I did on it and blah, blah, blah. Now, for the most part, I goddamn crushed that test. I scored super high on Assertiveness and also super high on Problem Solving and also super high on Conflict Resolution. As he went over the results, I was feeling real good, because those were the traits I was told they were looking for, and so those were the traits I had in my brain when I was trying to make the test lean in my direction. I was glad to see that I’d outsmarted the test.

But then, and for the rest of my life I promise I will never forget this, the man asked, "Mr. Serrano, what do you think you scored in the Urgency category?" (The Urgency category was supposed to measure how urgently you acted when something important needed to get done.) I was caught a little off-guard because I’d not been warned of the importance of the Urgency category before taking the test, but I didn’t panic. I said something close to, "Hmm … well, I’m a pretty urgent person. I imagine I scored high on that one. Probably 75 out of 100, maybe 80 out of 100." He put his folder down and looked me right in my eyeballs and he said, "Two." I said, "I’m sorry, what?" He said, "You scored a two out of 100. It’s the lowest I’ve ever seen anyone score on this." I said, "That doesn’t sound super great for me." He said, "Well, it’s not. A disparity that great between this category and all the others, all of which are related, tells me that you didn’t take this test honestly. You answered it hoping to game it. Is that what you did?" And I said, "I’m sorry, what?" again, and by then I knew I was toast.

Now, none of this ended up mattering because, as it turns out, working customer service at a construction company was not a job that drew thousands and thousands of applicants, so they basically just gave me the job by default. But still, the point I want to make here remains valid: Don’t try to cheat on this. Things will only end up worse than they would have otherwise. Just answer the questions normally.

III. The Questions

There are 10 questions. Answer each one as honestly as possible. Each answer will give you a certain number of points (ranging from 1 to 5), and at the end of the 10 questions you just click on whatever link it is that is equal to the number of points you accumulate. It’d probably be helpful for you to have a tiny piece of paper or something to mark down your points as you go.

Question 1.

My favorite part of The Lion King was …

A. When Simba and Nala were wrestling with each other when they were baby lions. (1 pt)

B. When Simba and Nala were wrestling with each other when they were grown lions. (2 pts)

C. When they sang "Hakuna Matata." (3 pts)

D. When the hyenas ate Scar. (4 pts)

E. When Scar killed Mufasa. (5 pts)

Question 2.

The Russian army has invaded America. Their forces are overwhelming and it’s clear that they will eventually become the controlling force in the country. You and a group of your friends manage to escape during the initial Russian surge, only here’s the bad news: One of your group members actually doesn’t escape. You’re safe up in the hills, some several hundred yards away, but one of your good, good friends isn’t. He tripped and fell and missed hopping on the escape truck. He hasn’t been caught by the Russians yet because he’s super good at hiding, but it’s only a matter of time before they capture him. You’re the leader of your group, so whatever you decide here is what’s going to be done. What do you do?

A. Download the Rosetta Stone Russian program and start telling everyone that Andrei Kirilenko is your favorite basketball player. (1 pt)

B. Well, it’s a tough decision. I know if we stay in the hills and are eventually caught, we will definitely be shot. I don’t want that to happen, so I’m going to tell my group that, despite how unappetizing the idea is, our best move is to walk down to the Russians and surrender. I think that option gives us the best chance of surviving, which is the most important thing, really. (2 pts)

C. I don’t know. I just know I’m going to survive. (3 pts)

D. I tell everyone that we’re going to try to rescue our missing group member. Then we try to rescue our missing group member. (4 pts)

E. It’s his own fault that he missed the truck. He’s on his own. Besides, I have to learn how to use this rocket launcher. (5 pts)

Question 3.

Which member of the Golden State Warriors would you most prefer to get trapped in an elevator with for an hour?

A. Kevin Durant (1 pt)

B. Steph Curry (2 pts)

C. Klay Thompson (3 pts)

D. Zaza Pachulia (4 pts)

E. Draymond Green (5 pts)

Question 4.

Which of these is your favorite David Fincher movie?

A. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (1 pt)

B. Gone Girl (2 pts)

C. The Social Network (3 pts)

D. The Game (4 pts)

E. Fight Club (5 pts)

Question 5.

On Frank Ocean’s most recent album, Blonde, there’s an interlude called "Facebook Story." On it, a man explains how he was dating a woman for three years before the invention of Facebook. After Facebook arrived, the woman sent him a friend request and asked him to accept it. The man told her that he would not accept her friend request because they were dating in real life so what’s the point. She found his answer suspicious. They argued about it, and it became a big fight, and he just kept on flat-out refusing to accept her friend request. Eventually they broke up. Who’s at fault in this scenario?

A. Mark Zuckerberg is at fault. If he hadn’t invented Facebook, the fight between the man and the woman never would’ve happened. (1 pt)

B. The man is at fault. (2 pts)

C. They both are at fault. (3 pts)

D. The woman is at fault. (4 pts)

E. This is dumb. Facebook is stupid. How does this even matter? (5 pts)

Question 6.

Pick a Tupac song.

A. "Hit ’Em Up" (1 pt)

B. "Hail Mary" (2 pts)

C. "Changes" (3 pts)

D. "Dear Mama" (4 pts)

E. "I Get Around" (5 pts)

Question 7.

You’re playing pickup basketball at the park. You get slapped on the arm just as you’re releasing the ball during a layup. The ball is traveling toward the hoop, but I can’t say for sure whether or not you’re going to make it. What do you do?

A. Call a foul. (1 pt)

B. Shout, "And-1!" (2 pts)

C. Shout, "And-1!," but after you see that the shot has rimmed out you then call a foul. (3 pts)

D. Nothing. (4 pts)

E. Foul someone the next time your team is on defense. (5 pts)

Question 8.

Which is the best board game?

A. Monopoly (1 pt)

B. Candy Land (2 pts)

C. Chess (3 pts)

D. Clue (4 pts)

E. Risk (5 pts)

Question 9.

You’ve just built the world’s first time machine. You get in it and you go back in time 30 minutes. When you arrive (you’ve landed in your garage), you get out and you’re staring at a past version of yourself. (This is not a shock to the past version of yourself because the past version of yourself has already accepted time travel as a possibility.) You reach into your pocket and take out your phone. You dial your own phone number into your phone. When you click the call button, what happens?

A. Nothing. The phone doesn’t work in the past. (1 pt)

B. I hear a busy signal on the other end. (2 pts)

C. Wait, if I can travel back in time then wouldn’t the current version of myself already know what’s going to happen when I call myself? Wouldn’t that mean the phone is going to ring? Because why would I call myself otherwise? (3 pts)

D. The phone in the pocket of the past version of myself is going to ring, though I’m not sure how it rings (or why it rings). (4 pts)

E. The phone that I’m using to call is going to ring into itself. (5 pts)

Question 10.

Turns out, Jurassic Park is real. Some scientists really and truly figured out how to create dinosaurs, and so now they’re on display at a dinosaur-themed amusement park. This all happens in our time, which means all of the Jurassic Park movies exist and also so does Jurassic World. That being the case, you’re obviously aware that things could possibly go very bad. How long do you wait before you finally visit one of the parks, if you ever even bother to visit one at all?

A. Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I would never visit the real-life Jurassic Park. (1 pt)

B. I’d need for it to be open for at least two years without anyone getting eaten by an escaped raptor or whatever before I visit. (2 pts)

C. I’d need for it to be open for at least one year without anyone getting eaten by an escaped raptor or whatever before I visit. (3 pts)

D. I’d need for it to be open for at least one month without anyone getting eaten by an escaped raptor or whatever before I visit. (4 pts)

E. I’m going there during opening weekend because even if things went all the way wrong, I’m certain I would survive any dinosaur-based emergency. (5 pts)

IV. The Results

Add up the points you earned from each question to get your score. Once you have your score, click on the sentence below that contains your score. It will tell you which NBA player you are, and what kind of NBA player you are.