Cardinal Raymond Leo Burke.

Women. Is there anything good and holy in this world that they don't destroy? From inserting themselves into the Westminster system of governance to bastardising the glorious and noble tradition of wage inequality, there are no depths to which these banshees won't stoop in their nefarious attempts to further marginalise men and turn them into slaves. If you thought it was bad enough that their absurd demands to be viewed as equal human beings had resulted in the death of conjugal rights, now it seems they've gone and brought down the whole of the Catholic Church.

Yes, from the same institution that brought us witch burning, forced adoptions and centuries of patriarchal rule comes accusations that radical feminism is to blame for the spate of problems plaguing the Vatican. In a recent interview with an apparently serious website called The New Emangelism: Drawing Men to Jesus Christ and His Catholic Church, Cardinal Raymond Burke (formerly of St. Louis) opined that, "the radical feminism which has assaulted the Church and society since the 1960s has left men very marginalised." This radical feminism has resulted in men being confused about their role in life, which has led to all kinds of disastrous things like a decrease in the number of altar boys alongside an increase in the number of priests who inappropriately touch them.

"There was a period of time when men who were feminised and confused about their own sexual identity had entered the priesthood," said Burke, "Sadly some of these disordered men sexually abused minors; a terrible tragedy for which the Church mourns."

NAUGHTY FEMINISM, GO TO THE CORNER.


According to Ye Olde Cardinal, the Church has been forced to 'constantly' address women's issues at the expense of addressing critical issues important to men. While persistently and obsessively denying women access to contraception, reproductive healthcare autonomy, unwed motherhood, sexual and gender equality, religious freedom and positions of doctrinal leadership could technically be seen as constantly addressing 'women's issues', it's difficult to understand exactly how this has in any way benefited lady-people. Frankly, it'd be a lot more helpful if the Church turned their attention to men for a bit.

Be that as it may, Cardinal Burke – who was recently demoted to a largely ceremonial role after a stoush with Pope Francis – is Very Concerned about the role of men both in and out of the Church. Because what will men do if they can't be the boss of everything? It starts with him being asked to make dinner once in a while and before you know it, society has collapsed and cats and dogs are living together.

Here are just a handful of other terrible things Radical Feminism is responsible for:

1. Manatees, not Humanatees

Nature is a fairly ordered event and it's not difficult to understand what's going on with it. For example, the boy lions are in charge of the group and the girl lions do all the things like having the babies and sorting out the food. It works because it's just the way things are, and also because of biology. If the girl lions were supposed to be in charge, the collective group would be called a 'nurture of lions'. As it is, it's called a 'pride of lions', and that's how we know that the bosses are meant to be boys. Pride is a male attribute, because men are proud of taking care of their families. See?

But when feminism inserts its beaky nose, everything gets out of whack. Now we have things like men Emperor Penguins sitting on baby eggs while the women bugger off to who-knows-where for months on end only to return with too many shoes. And the ocean isn't faring much better. Where once our salty waters were filled with respectable things like seafaring pirates and men seeking adventure, now they're populated by confusing atrocities like the Clownfish – coral reef wrigglers that are all born anatomically male but whose school's dominant headmaster will morph into a woman in order to perpetuate the breeding cycle.

A man. Becoming a woman. To benefit the species! It's just not right.

2. Sport

Much like Radical Feminism's responsibility for sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, the persistent encroachment of women into traditionally male fields like 'sport' and 'fun' has resulted in a delineation of roles and responsibilities among men and women. Once upon a time, footballers were allowed to pass women around between them and call it 'having a bun' or 'Friday night'. No one complained, because this is the way things were – it was how men expressed their bonds of friendship with one another, and found strength in solidarity. It was good for team cohesion and separating the men from the boys.

But then women had to go and get bloody involved and look what's happened? Good, well-meaning young lads not only being told they can't have sex with women while they're asleep or unconscious or saying no but being made to feel bad about giving it a crack anyway. It's political correctness gone mad! It's destroying football. And an Australia without codified social laws protecting the sexual entitlement of footballers is not an Australia I think anyone wants to live in.

3. Childhood literacy

There's a difference between books and instruments of propaganda. The former are important texts written by people with names like 'William', 'David' and 'John', and they're used to tell children stories about what the world is like. The latter are tools of indoctrination written by people with names that sound either suspiciously girly or foreign or perhaps even both.

Radical Feminists want to take good, solid, pastoral literature out of the classroom and replace it with rubbish that's only being studied because of quotas and tokens. I ask you, if women and dark people could write real books, why is that they so rarely win literary prizes? Exactly.

We cannot always see the terrible ways Radical Feminism infects our most protected values, but rest assured that it's always there, multiplying its cancerous cells beneath the surface. Because, listen – if the feminist agenda can force its way into one of the most powerfully patriarchal institutions the world has ever known and shamefully marginalise the only people within its ranks who can be elevated into power, adorned with privilege and wealth and then shielded from punishment for the most gruesome of transgressions against children, then what can't it do?