The Congress Working Committee’s meeting was awaited with feverish anticipation, given that Congress president Sonia Gandhi and vice-president Rahul Gandhi had taken full responsibility for the shattering defeat in the Lok Sabha elections and even offered to resign. The UnReal Times political correspondent Rajniti Sarkarwala, a very close friend of Congress leader and ace networker Rajeev Shukla, was allowed into the meeting.

Here’s what happened, as per Sarkarwala’s notes:

Mani Shankar Aiyar (hollering at a carpenter): YOU BLOODY MINION! Hammer the portraits fast! They will be here any minute!

Carpenter: Yes sir, Nehruji is done, Indiraji is done. I just have to put up Rajivji‘s. I’ll be done in a minute!

Mani: PAH! You lowly underling! Who will put up their garlanded banners outside the building? Who will roll out the red carpet? Who will shower rose petals on them when they arrive? Who will blow the conch shells? Who will break coconuts outside? Who will perform the aarti? YOUR BLOODY GRANDFATHER?!

Carpenter (wiping his tears): Sniff! I’ll..I’ll do it sir!

Mani: HURRY! YOU BLOODY THIRD CLASS OAF!

Sushil Shinde: No point in shouting at him, these have to be done before they arrive. I’ll put up the garlanded banners and roll out the red carpet. Can someone take care of the rose petals, coconuts, conch and aarti?

Salman Khurshid: I’ll do it! I can even die for madamji after all.

Shinde and Khurshid begin their decorations when they hear a car horn.

Shinde: SHIT! They’re here! No time to lose! Quick!

At blinding speed, they get everything ready. The Congress leaders do a guard of honor and stand on either side of the gate. Khurshid has the coconuts. Shinde has the rose petals. Shukla’s chubby face bloats even more as he tries to blow into the conch shell. The leaders go ballistic and cheer wildly as a white ambassador arrives. Aiyar springs forward with a wide smile. He opens the door with all 32 teeth on display even as the whistles and howls hit the roof.

Mani (screams): HELLOOOOO MA …MMMA….MAaa…

The smiling visage freezes into an expression of disgust. The Congress leaders on either side, who were about to clap their hands, slap their foreheads instead. Shukla, who had inhaled a massive amount of air for an almighty attempt at getting a sound out of the conch shell, exhales all at once, causing the conch shell to squeak like the rubber horn of an auto-rickshaw.

Mani (with voice dead as yesterday’s coffee): Hello Manmohanji.

Mani walks away, while Manmohan Singh gets out of the car and closes the door himself.

The Congress leaders break the guard of honour, throw their hands up and walk away in frustration. Shinde and Khurshid still wait near the gate, looking out at the road, as Dr.Manmohan Singh folds his hands and walks in un-greeted. Digvijaya Singh stands behind Shinde, busy whispering sweet nothings into his cellphone.

Diggy: No you hang up first…(giggles)…no you hang up first... (At this point he spots the Gandhis’ SUV approaching and the other leaders scrambling towards it) Shit! I gotta go, bye!

The SUV stops in front of them. Mani Shankar Aiyar opens the door and bows down very low. Mother and son walk in, as Shinde showers rose petals on them.

Rahul (visibly unhappy): Mumma, dekhiye naa! petals!

Sonia: You moron! Can’t you see he is enjoying his cotton candy?

Shinde (falls down at her feet): Oh no! I’m extremely sorry madam! Please! Please forgive me madam!

Sonia (disgusted): Hmph! (moves her feet away, walks ahead and drags Rahul too, by the hand, as he stares at the petals on his cotton candy)

Thunderous applause greets the mother and son as they enter the hall. They walk past Dr.Manmohan Singh, who folds his hands. After the customary salutes, garlanding and bouquet greeting, accompanied by deafening chants of “Sonia Gandhi ki ..JAI” and “Rahul Gandhi ki..JAI,” the leaders take their seats.

Sonia (receives papers from Ahmed Patel and stares at them): So, as you all may be expecting, Rahul and I offer to resign. We take full responsibility! What do you guys say?

Shell-shocked leaders rush to the table and prostrate on the ground, screaming “No madamji! No madamji! I take responsibility,” “No, it’s my fault! I’m responsible,” and so on.

Manmohan Singh: I take full responsibility for the government’s failure, madam.

No one bothers.

Sonia (smiling): Okay okay. Go back to your seats.

Everyone goes back.

Sonia (looks over her her glasses and gives a half-smile): So I take it that everyone wants us to withdraw our resignations. Is there anyone who doesn’t?

There is silence across the hall for a couple of seconds. All of a sudden, a shout of “YES! ME!” is heard from the far end of the hall. Sonia’s smile vanishes. The members gasp in unison as every head in the room rotates to locate the source.

Mani (hollers at the top of his voice): WHO IS THAT BLOODY ROGUE?!

Congress leaders roll their shirt sleeves up and advance towards the man, before Sonia claps loudly and signals them to stop. The man steps forward.

Man: To be honest madam, with all due respect, you and your son are the main reasons why people have been disillusioned with our party. People are fed up of dynastic politics and want a change. They want to see people of their own representing them and leading them. Not some royal family.

The leaders gawk open-mouthed, dumbfounded by his impertinence. There’s utter silence for a few seconds. Then Sonia starts clapping slowly. Clueless leaders all around join in instinctively, resulting in a deafening applause, leaving the man stunned. Sonia beckons the man to come forward and take a seat. The man does so. Sonia gets up and comes right behind him. She pats his back. The man trembles. Sonia smiles widely.

Sonia: So, what’s your name?

Man: My name is Ram madam. I joined the party yesterday as an intern and was asked to attend one of the CWC meetings to learn from it. So I just thought I could voice my opinion too.

Sonia: Aah, excellent! Very good of you. (Puts her hands on his shoulders) So, when is your birthday?

Ram: Er..it was last month madam.

Sonia: Oh, that’s not so long ago. How about we celebrate it today, right here, right now?

Ram (surprised): Er…no madam, it’s okay.

Sonia: No no no no, I insist we celebrate your birthday. What is your favorite flavor?

Ram: Madam?

Sonia (grabs his collars): Tell me your favorite flavor!

Ram (trembling): B..black fo..fo..forest madam!

Sonia: Excellent! AHMED! One black forest cake, a party topi, candles and a knife! NOW!

Ahmed Patel (raises his knee, stamps the ground and salutes): Yes madam!

Ram: Madam, I’m sorry..may be I shouldn’t have..

Sonia (raises her index finger): Shhhh!

Ahmed wheels in a small table with a black forest cake on it.

Sonia (smiles): Your cake is here! Chalo, put on this party topi.

Ram holds it and stares at her dumbfounded.

Sonia (sternly): Put it on! (Ram puts it on hastily)

Ahmed (steps forward): Madam, let me put the candle..

Sonia (stops him): No no no, let me place it myself. (Places it in the middle, strikes a matchbox and lights the candle) Aaaah! There we go! (Looks at Ram) Here, take this knife!

Ram’s hand trembles as he holds the knife. He blows the candle, and gently cuts the cake, as the entire hall claps and sings the happy birthday song. Sonia sings the loudest. Sonia then takes a piece of cake and smears it all over the trembling Ram’s face.

Sonia (with a wide smile): And now, it’s time… (looks around at the rest of the leaders)…FOR THE BIRTHDAY BUMPS!! COME ON, AMICOS!

Ram looks in horror, as everyone rolls his or her shirt sleeves up and advances towards him. Everyone except Dr. Manmohan Singh who continues staring elsewhere.

Ram (stumbles back): No…no….

The leaders pick him up and give him the thrashing of his life. Their boisterous whoops drown Ram’s screams, as they take turns at having a go at the poor man’s posterior. Fifteen minutes later, when Ram has just enough energy to moan feebly, the leaders put him down and return to their seats.

Sonia: Alright, we’ve come to the end of this session. Before we conclude, is there anyone who does not want us to withdraw our resignations?

Ram crawls slowly towards the exit.

Sonia (smiles): Right then, the president has spoken, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you so much!

Fade out.

(Why was Rahul Gandhi smiling smugly at the CWC meet? Find out in our bestseller, Unreal Elections)