If I was a Democrat, like everyone at NBC and noted Cruise Director Bill Kristol, I’d want Oprah Winfrey to run for president too. She’s got all the qualifications to be a Dem candidate - she’s vacuous, she embraces all the required liberal taboos, and she hates the right people - that is, people like you. And, best of all, Oprah isn’t one of the horde of weirdos, losers, and mutations already threatening to run.

She knows how to string a sentence together, which is useful. Oprah wouldn’t be a human gaffe machine like Touchy Joe Biden. She’s also not 87 years old like he is - it’ll be a shame to miss out on what Joe says and does as age loosens his tongue. Someone get that man a Twitter account!

At one time, the noted naked he-nymph probably would have been a big threat to any Republican running for president. He’s not roundly hated like Hillary, and he seems amiable, if bumbling. But the whole wandering hands thing and all those snaps of him leering at uncomfortable-looking teens with a face doesn’t work for males of pallor in the era of #MeToo.

Those pics of Oprah cavorting with Harvey Fernseed won’t stop her - she’ll get a liberal gal pass like Meryl Streep. Remember, the liberals don’t really care. It’s all fake outrage designed to kneecap competitors. When a history of not harassing women, or enabling those who do, gets in the way of what liberals really want, it’s “Gropes away!” Right, Felonia Milhouse von Pantsuit?

Elizabeth Warren can't be happy about Oprah considering a run. Big Chief Running Mouth is shrill and annoying, and you get the idea that she's always on the verge of telling you to use your inside voice. Oprah is calm and soothing and offers mindless insights about how you have to be the very best you you can be, and how you always have to stand in your own truth. The rabble-rousing squaw wants to get people riled up and on the warpath. But Winfrey wants to calm them down, to make them relax, to allow them not to think, and to be swept away in the feel-good vibes. She wants to be the Oprah-oid of the masses.

Warren wants to keep resisting. Oprah’s secret is her unspoken promise of a return to normalcy, of calm and quiet. But, of course, that's a lie. Oprah will be an activist liberal and will put a bull’s eye on those of us who refuse to fawn and applaud.

Bernie Sanders may run again, and he’s so crusty he makes Biden look like a whippersnapper. But the millennials seem to love him, which is why you have to operate under the rebuttable presumption anyone who is a millennial is too damn stupid to vote. It will be an exciting campaign with months of earnest dummies in Che T-shirts assuring us that true socialism has never been tried and that Venezuela is somehow all Trump's fault.

It'll be fun watching the accusations of collusion with the Russians against the guy who got married in Moscow while their flag still had a hammer and sickle on it. Just kidding! The whole anti-Russia thing is just another big fake outrage, like the anti-harassment fake outrage. As soon as pretending to be patriotic stops being useful to liberals, they’ll go back to hugging America's enemies.

Let's see, there's Kirsten Gillibrand, because America yearns for another bitter Northeastern liberal nominee. She's another one who hopes to ride the #MeToo fake outrage down Pennsylvania Avenue and stable it at the White House. The way she stuck the Clintons in the back probably isn't going to help her raise money, though it was hilarious. But Kirsten comes off as hating men. Every guy has dated a Kirsten once. Once.

So she kind of starts with a disadvantage since men are unlikely to vote for someone who obviously despises them. Perhaps someday the Democrats will learn not to have candidates who seem to hate a substantial part of the voter pool, but probably not. The Democrat platform is totally based on hating a substantial part of the voter pool - the part you’re floating in.

Oprah superficially seems to love everybody. She’s all feelings and hugs, but a TV show isn't the campaign trail, and since the liberal media no longer has a monopoly of coverage, she won’t get to write the script. The truth will come out. Oprah already has her own deplorable problem - there's an interview with her suggesting a good chunk of non-liberal Americans are racist and need to die. These people are apparently not the very best yous they can be, and must therefore be purged.

Still, she's got an edge over the other candidates too. From California, there's Kamala Harris, who is as liberal as she is dumb, which is to say very. As the economy booms, it may be difficult to convince America to elect an advocate of a governance model that has turned the Golden State into the Hunger Games. Go east of I-5 - the reporters, the tech zillionaires and the Hollywood hypocrites never do - and California dreamin’ is a nightmare. California stands in its own truth, all right. Perhaps the answer is for California to embrace true socialism, instead of the current version. Yeah, that will help. Then California will be the very best California it can be, or something.

Andrew Cuomo might run on a platform that red staters should subsidize New York's sky high income taxes. I yearn to see a mortified Andy and his brother Fredo out trying to connect to voters in Iowa – that would be amusing and almost worth it in and of itself. Oprah, in contrast, wouldn’t even need to build a rapport; she’d just buy everybody a tractor.

Oprah checks all the liberal boxes. She believes in science, meaning she thinks both heat waves and cold fronts prove global warming, that you can change your gender by wanting to, that vaccines are a conspiracy, and that Dr. Oz’s magic fungus extract will cleanse your body of negative waves, thereby allowing you to be the very best you you can be.

You know she's going to hate guns in the hands of anyone but her private security force. You know that she believes in perpetual conflict over race, gender, and all the other touchstones of liberal hate-mongering. You know that a Winfrey administration would be filled with the same band of punks and hacks who brought us ISIS, North Korean nukes, and who abandoned the Iranian freedom fighters just before shipping their oppressors pallets of 100 dollar bills.

It's painfully obvious that the Democrats are seeking their own Donald Trump, only without the rough edges. What is super amusing is to listen to the liberals n’ their Never Trump fellow travelers howl about how Trump is a no-experience entertainer, and then to watch them wet themselves over a no-experience entertainer because she’s all-in for the left. Muh principles, indeed.

Oprah represents their chance to impose a softer tyranny than Hillary would have, and thereby maybe avoid another counter reaction by the Normals. Oprah seems to be what Hillary never could be - nice. But under that nice exterior still lurks the same hatred and contempt for you that Democrats all share.