Introduction

This has been something I’ve thought about writing for quite some time, but doubted if the good it would do was worth the effort. Recent events in Toronto showed me how important it is to say regardless of how little it helps. I have grown concerned about the burgeoning presence of groups like redpillers, mgtgows and incels; particularly in how their influence might affect the development of young men facing similar problems that I had in the past. So, this is my effort to give some advice to those men.

Assumptions about the Reader

If you’re anything like me, I can make some assumptions about you and why you might be reading this. You might have come to a painful crossroads in your life. You are dealing with damage from a not-so-great upbringing. You’re not confident about yourself in general, let alone around others and especially women. Holy shit, especially women. You’ve probably met several examples of the darker side of the fairer sex, and it has caused you to question the things society told you. This sucks (a lot) but is a necessary experience to grow as a person. But it can be done wrong, I know because I have been there.

About the Author

I was born in the late eighties to a dysfunctional family. My parents were going to split before my older sibling was born, and when I came a couple years after they decided to stay together for the children. It went as well as you would expect. My father was not very present in my youth to the extent that I barely noticed his absence after my parents divorced when I was 13. He was going through his own problems, including faking his suicide when I stopped seeing him about a year later. Now I was left in a dysfunctional, women-only environment. There was abuse, I was targeted with disdain towards men, and was forced to act more like a parent than a child. This was the perfect environment for making a Nice Guy by the time I was in college and began a social life.

When I say Nice Guy I mean full-blown, category five Nice Guy. You name it, I did it. Put women on a pedestal as goddesses blessing you with sex and self-confidence: check. Pine after women for years and willingly put myself into the friendzone: check. Feel like my world was coming to an end and I was worthless when I didn’t get laid: check. Burden all my friend with this bullshit: oh you bet. Somewhere on the internet there are still notes written to me by my best friend trying desperately to pull me back to reality.

It’s been a decade since the height of my Nice Guy days. A nice round number to look back on my embarrassment and mistakes. I’m no alpha male, whatever that is, but I’m a million times happier than I was. I’ve achieved an independent life beyond negative thought processes, and have even had healthy relationships that ended for boring reasons. Unlike most you could not pay me to return to my college days. My journey from Nice Guy to just a guy started with losing the baggage and unhelpful norms I’d obtained in my youth. That moment when I realized what I thought about women and manliness weren’t true.

Redpills, Incels and Mgtows, Oh My

Which brings me to the number of men’s groups on the internet regarding that same subject. There are plenty of resources on the history, themes, differences and minutia of redpillers, incels and mgtows so I’m not gonna get into that here. For the purposes of this writing all you need know is these groups claim to rebel against a feminist system that oppresses men and puts women at an unfair advantage sexually, socially and legally. Men have been duped into being cucks by shallow women who lie, cheat, steal and use men as disposable wallets on their quest for the alpha-est of dicks. Therefore, men must either utilize complex power tactics to gain an advantage, protest the unfair distribution of sex or tune out of society entirely. At least that’s what they claim. Here’s the thing: for all the clever vocabulary and impassioned pontificating, what these groups claim to discover isn’t that surprising, and their methods aren’t revolutionary.

First look at illusions these groups claim to have discovered. The most common accusation against most of womanhood (except “good girls” and probably Taylor Swift) is that they are shallow lovers who deceive men with lies to get what they want. Like lying through makeup to appear more attractive. Let’s ask a question here: when have men failed to use any means they could, up to and including lying, to get laid? Men have used everything from clothes to cars to puppies to the ol’ bunched up sock in the underwear trick in the game theory of dating.

When you look at it this way the only thing these groups have really discovered is that women are human, and humans can be very shitty. Yes, there are a lot of women out there who use others as an extension of their narcissism. Women commit adultery, lead men on, rape, murder, blackmail, abuse, and all manner of terrible behavior. Just like men commit the same atrocities unto women. Just like men have done to men and women to women and human to human for the history of time. There are some shitty, shitty people out there, some with vaginas. I can already hear both sides of the gendered debate say ‘but they do X more’. This isn’t about that. Here’s what it’s about: even if the gross generalization of the truth that lies beyond the blue pill is true, it only shows women are human like us. That is far less groundbreaking than the pomposity makes it out to be.

We haven’t even mentioned the hate that’s found a home in these circles. The fact that examples of the worst of our species are cast as the mold for an entire half of our population is enough. And we’re not even getting into the threats of violence and other hate that’s tolerated and even encouraged. Don’t believe me? Try this: find the top post on one of these subreddits, post an opposing opinion as a women and see what messages you get. Just don’t do it with your real account or you’ll have to abandon it within the week. What’s worse is there are people actively purporting anti-Semitic conspiracy theories and terrorist ideas. People on these forums are celebrating known terrorists (whom I will not give the honor of naming) that have committed crimes against humanity BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T GET LAID ENOUGH.

Sure, you can say that not everything in these groups supports terrorism and hating women, and there’s just enough good advice to keep that contingent looking like outliers, but think of these elements like turds at a pool party. Sure, there might only be a few turds floating around, you might not touch any of the turds, the chlorine in the water might kill 99.9% of the germs the turds produce, but you’d still want to get out of the water. There’s even a common dismissal that hate elements are the work of the enemy meant to discredit the peaceful and well-meaning movement, which smacks of even deeper problems with paranoia and conspiracy theory. When your host says “It wasn’t US that shit in the pool, it was our crazy feminist neighbor Mary (((ROSENBERG)))!” you’re gonna think twice about the next invitation.

Where They Get it Wrong

Here’s the biggest issue with the redpill spectrum, and to explain it I’ll have to get into my amateur understanding of French philosophy so button down your baguettes. In the early 20th century a French philosopher named Albert Camus (pronounced Cam-moo to spare you my embarrassment) founded Absurdism and put a whole new perspective on life’s biggest questions. His quotes even feature on MGTOW sites, which makes this point even more important.

So you have these groups who claim they’ve broken free of the shackles of feminism and society. They understand that women are heartless, materialistic shrews who corrupted society into enslaving men, and all we’ve been told of life and girlfriends is a lie. The question then is, why oh why is so much effort spent to rail against a system for not providing something that doesn’t exist? Why are incels so upset about not getting sex and affection when it’s meaningless? Why is there so much content expressing hated of women for failing to be these loving creatures that never existed? Why is the top post of the mgtow subreddit a quote from Bill Maher about how it’s unfair that women can get laid easier if sex is nothing more than a tool used by women to control men? In all their arrogance, in all their bemoaning of this romantic injustice these groups still operate under the lie they claim to see through. They’re basically the nihilists from The Big Lewbowski; claiming they believe in nothing one minute, and then complaining about how it’s not fair the next.

This is where Camus comes in. Camus saw that both optimism and nihilism were unhealthy responses to the absurdity of life (absurdity meaning that life is random and things operate under chance, not meritocracy). While optimists cling even harder to a fable that would only disappoint them, nihilists complain about how nothing matters because the absurd exists as if it somehow could not . In this example, bluepillers cling to the false idol of the goddess and the redpillers rage against their purported reality for failing to live up to the ideal they say they’re no longer fooled by. Both are equally pointless and it exposes the redpill lexicon in their most naked form: men dealing with pain not as men, but as boys.

The Reality

We got really existential there for a minute, let’s get back on solid ground. The reality is that women are people too, including being just as screwed up as men. You will find that for the most part, women are actually pretty boring compared to their strawman counterparts from the internet. A lot of women spend their days expecting fortune and love to be dropped into their lap because they deserve it, abhorring men for not meeting the cultural standard of masculinity, and lamenting how the other side lives on easy street (remind you of anyone?). A lot of women are totally cool, just as awkward, and usually dealing with the same baggage a lot of men are. Hell, some women even like other women. Nothing special, nothing terrible, no need to treat them as a different life form.

Society is also screwed up, and it screws over women and men in different ways. Again, I can hear the gender debate arguing over who gets screwed more but let’s try and find common ground in the fact that neither side has it perfect. For perspective, women have a lot to fear in ways you might not have known. I certainly didn’t. That was until one night’s car trip when my female friend wasn’t comfortable pumping gas late at night at a station I’ve always used. It struck me just how much of a woman’s life is dictated by fear. Imagine not being able to pump your own gas without worry? Dave Chappelle had a similar experience which he described perfectly in his latest special:

“One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life. Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, ‘Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.’ Then I thought, ‘Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?’”

Imagine having to check in with your friends to make sure you all got home without being attacked, Imagine wondering if the date you took home would get upset, violent, or even listen if you didn’t feel comfortable having sex with them after all. Imagine being expected to live up to a pedestal you never wanted to be put on to begin with. Of course you’re not that guy but they won’t know that right away, so give them some time and understanding.

What to Do

As men we’re dealing with our own problems. There is a place for a men’s movement in this world, but we must create it. We can’t ask feminism to fix their problems and ours at the same time, as so many men have when topics like FGM are raised. There are groups for men out there, and just like feminism there are sane ones and crazy ones. The first and biggest obstacle to self-improvement is recognizing you have a problem, and the redpill are in short supply of introspection. There are people who will look to any rationalization to ignore their own shortcomings. Those people will stay on the internet. If you’re going to become a happier person years from now, you’ll have to put in the work. First and foremost you gotta get out of the turd pool. Your journey will be unique, but here’s some of the things that helped me along my path.

Keep your wits about you. There’s a lot of people looking to make you believe a lot of bullshit, especially in the new age and self-help circles. Learn critical thinking and use it to guide you through what’s nonsense and what isn’t. Clever acronyms and flashy slang should be treated with serious suspicion. If anyone insists their first name be something like Goddess, run.

Seek help. Don’t be ashamed to seek professional help if you’re stuck. What you’re feeling is more common than you think and there are people trained to help you deal with it. Sometimes you might have to try a few different professionals before you find someone best suited for you.

Lose the pop culture idea of love. Culture would have you believe that finding someone else will solve all your life problems, it won’t. If you can’t be happy with yourself you won’t be happy with someone else, and it will sabotage any relationship you have. As my grandfather told my uncle during a bad divorce: “You can be a lot lonelier in a relationship than you can alone.” If you get at least comfortable with yourself most of the time you’ll be happier in an out of love. It’s also important to learn what infatuation is and separate it from love. Infatuation is deceptive, destructive and temporary. It’s like getting a hit of LSD, you want to be prepared for it.

Separate desire from your self-worth. Humans are a confusing bunch when it comes to attraction. One man’s junk is another man’s fetish. It’s not a contest of human value or an alpha/beta competition, it’s just a bunch of random people and events and finding something that works. Don’t take it personally.

Learn and respect boundaries. As stated previously, women have good reason to be vigilant around others, as do people in general. As an adult you need to understand and respect the boundaries of others. Low self-esteem and a sense of rejection can complicate the process so avoid taking it personally if you’re not seen as the good person you are immediately. The first step in any friendship or relationship is trust and it’s fostered by both sides knowing the other will respect their boundaries.

Take ownership of your sex life. This is the point where a lot of men will make the biggest decision in their life. You could be a great guy and never get laid, you could be a scumbag and have all the sex in the world, but at what price are you willing to sell your character? Sex is not something to be barged into or made up as you go along. As an adult it is your responsibility to make sure your sex has respect, open communication, and enthusiastic consent. This isn’t the convoluted legal documents pundits make it out to be. Enthusiastic consent means knowing the other person is enjoying themselves too and not just doing it out of guilt or pressure. It’s really just “having good sex” and yes, it is that much of a problem they created a name for it. You don’t want to find out someone slept with your because they felt they had to. Remember, you are also worth the same respect and care from anyone you get into bed with.

Learn about narcissism. It’s a growing problem across all chromosomes and can be very problematic for those with low self-esteem who come across a narcissist unaware. Our culture also has a habit of rubbing narcissistic tendencies off on people, usually without their knowledge. Part of improving yourself is getting over yourself, something all Nice Guys must do to some extent. You can see those who don’t stuck hopelessly in a cycle of entitlement and validation from other unhealthy people.

Be careful with drugs, and video games. During very rough times drugs, alcohol and even video games can become crutches that hinder progress. One in three college students graduate with alcoholism.

Give time to local organizations. Volunteering can improve self-esteem, build social skills, and create something you can be proud of.

Read “The Way of the Seal”. The book is a great resource just for the meditation and journal exercises it contains. The author is a former Navy seal who uses the skills he learned on the battlefield to help regular people deal with stress, envision who they want to become and work toward it.

Visit Succeed Socially. It is a massive, in-depth guide for awkward people looking to build social skills. This can help you in even the most minute small-talk scenarios. https://www.succeedsocially.com/

Spend time outdoors. This is more of a general suggestion I wish I could have given myself ten years ago. There’s many hobbies and experiences to be had outdoors that merit it in their own right, and they can also help in feeling very manly.

Conclusion

I’m going to tell you what a lot of redpillers and self-help gurus won’t: there is no answer. These things might work for you or they might not. There is no one-size fits all solution to the terrifying random expanse of life. We could all get laid tomorrow or be wiped away by nuclear apocalypse. But the women who seem so far away right now are right there next to you. Tiny specks, stressed and lonely, on a rock hurtling through space toward inevitable doom. So next time try showing them a little compassion, and if they’re worth your time they will too.