Everyone's so damn afraid of carbs. Over ten years after Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution warned dieters worldwide about the fattening power of the potato, the low-carb revolution is still in full effect. This is insane, because carbs are delicious. Fuck a protein shake, am I right?


Even the BBC has gotten in on the craze; reporting on how low-carb diets are all the rage, they cite Demi Moore and Jennifer Aniston's willowy frames as triumphs of endless nights of never-ending salad bowls filled with skinless, boneless chicken breasts atop beds of lettuce. Yum, yum?

An unnamed British actor even ALLEGEDLY* has his hotel rooms swept for contraband carbs before entering. Maybe he's afraid some stray mini-bar Pringles will bust out of their cage and force feed themselves to him? Perhaps the actor is a she — and the she is Gwyneth Paltrow! Seeing as she thinks she's British, and then there's this:

Only last week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow provoked the wrath of the dietetic establishment while she was promoting her new low-carb, gluten-free cookbook, by saying she avoids feeding her children bread, rice and pasta.


The thought of being a childhood without Spaghetti O's makes my fat cells sob.

However, all that I could live with, I cannot waste all my tears on little Apple; girlfriend has it made. However, when I read that one desperate U.K. restaurant is now offering a low-carb bread MADE FROM BROCCOLI, it was the straw that broke the vitamin- and nutrient-deficient camel's back. What fresh hell is this? It's CARBS made from VEGETABLES.** My bread machine weeps.

Fuck. That. Enough!

High-protein diets might still be all the rage, but it’s time for their reign of tyranny to come to an end. You know why? Because nothing will ever beat a carb. Potatoes, rice, and bread will get you every time — and why not? The ultimate point of living isn’t to be as healthy as possible — it’s to have a great fucking time. And what’s a better time than French fries? Possibly sex. Maybe.


Plus, this week has pretty much blown, and so it's probably best for us to carbo-load our troubles away. It's science!

After thirty years of research (eating pounds of every known carb), I’ve come up with the 31 best ones. They are in descending order, and this is not open to debate. (Of course it is.)


1. The potato in all its forms. Listed here from most to least delicious (not up for debate) (untrue):

Mashed potatoes

French fries (from most to least delicious: poutine, disco, waffle, shoestring, curly, chili cheese, cheese, wedge, steak, chili, stix)

Au Gratin

Scalloped

Tater tots

Hash browns

Home fries

Potato chips

Baked potatoes (not sure whether these count as they’re basically a vegetable)

Sweet potato, anything

2. Bagels

3. Croissants

4. Naan

5. Pizza (thin crust)

6. Cereal (all, except fuck Kashi Go Lean)

7. Muffins (all, except fuck bran)

8. Soft pretzels (toppings, any and all) (Super Pretzel allowed)

9. Injera

10. Roti

11. Lasagna

12. Challah

13. Cinnamon rolls (although list is strictly savory, cinnamon rolls have ability to mingle in savory and sweet world, therefore acceptable.)

14. Mac and Cheese

15. Fry coating (any type)

16. Chapati

17. ALL PASTA SHAPES

18. White rice (any type)

19. Pizza (deep dish)

20. Everything free in an Italian or Mexican restaurant.

21. Utz pretzel nuggets

22. Bread pudding

23. Bread salad

24. Potato chip sandwich

25. Dumplings (all varieties)

26. Focaccia

27. Tamales

28. Triscuits (or Wheat Thins, same diff)

29. Inari

30. Pizza (delivery or Digiorno)

31. Spaghetti mixed with rice and folded into mashed potatoes (it's a thing; try it)


*Gerard Butler??

**I know broccoli has carbs, but that's not the point!

[BBC]