Unlike most METAL SUCKS readers, who I can tell by the quality of their laughable taste and idiotic opinions are newcomers to the metal scene, I have been a metalhead since 1989. And one of the hardest parts of being an up-and-coming metalhead who is very enthusiastic (but like most MS readers, knows very very little about metal), is knowing where to start. I mean, with so many bands and subgenres, how are u supposed to know which stuff to pirate?? Fortunately for u, in my 2+ decades of metal fandom I have formulate the following guide to our favorite genre! Please feel free to print this out and hang it on the wall next to ur Star Wars dolls, fedora and collection of vintage horror VHSs.

DINOSAUR “METAL”/CLASSIC ROCK

IMO u cannot even consider this metal, but I am including it here bc many ppl simply do not know any better and this is an opportunity for us expert metalheads to set the record straight. It is pretty simple: rule no 1 of metal is that it has to be HEAVY and there is nothing heavy at all about IRON MAIDEN, SAXON, TANKARD, etc. It sounds like stuff my unemployed uncle listens to while he paints his D&D figures lol.

FINAL GRADE: F

THRASH METAL

The thing with thrash is that most of the good bands who are labeled as “thrash metal” were rly as much or more hardcore as they were metal. I mean if u think about it SOD, MOD, RIPPING CORPSE, SUISIDAL TENDANCIES, ANTHRAX, EVILDEAD, SLAYER, sound a lot more like TERROR than IRON MAIDEN (which makes them hardcore). The other problem with thrash is the lulzy, high-pitched vocals which made bands like HOLY TERROR or TOXIK who might have been good sound like a sarcastic Jack Black joke.

FINAL GRADE: D

If u don’t like MORTAL DECAY, ur not my friend!!!!!

OLD-SCHOOL DEATH METAL

The thing with OSDM is that u have to make sure ur listening to the right bands. Unfortunately most of the ones that are popular these days are the crappy entry-level ones, so listen 2 the bands that I like (not the ones that posers like) and u will be in good shape. PYREXIA, INTERNAL BLEEDING, DIM MAK, old CRYPTOPSY, DEMOLITION HAMMER, SOLSTICE, the MALEVOLENT CREATION album where he says the n-word, HEMDALE, and NUNSLAUGHTER are good. ENTOMBED, MORBID ANGEL, CARCASS, BOLT THROWER, and IMMOLATION are bad. U do not need to listen to those bands, trust me. imo they should be banned from Spotify and youtube so nobody hears them.

FINAL GRADE: A+ (as long as u listen to the right bands)

The beginning of this song where he says “GO!” is cool because it reminds me of late 80s NYHC but then it gets boring like :15 later and i’m just like smh what a waste of a sweet intro

MELODIC DEATH METAL

Am i the only one who thinks that “melodic death metal” is the most hilariously moronic oxymoron of all time?! METAL = HEAVY. MELODY = NOT HEAVY. The two do not mix!!! If I want melody i will listen to ALL TIME LOW or NEVERSHOUTNEVER. Fuckin lol @ an entire genre in which ur judged by how good u are at copying AT THE GATES.

FINAL GRADE: F

BLACK METAL

As u can tell by the “song” above, the appeal of black metal is based purely on image/marketing. Which is why I think it is so funny that BM fans are always the first 2 get up on their high horse about scene kids being into bands based on image. In conclusion, I do not think this subgenre is good at all and imo it should be banned from this blog effective immediately (Vince, Axl, I am looking at u here).

FINAL GRADE: F

(ps- “BM” is also used as an abbreviation for “bowel movement,” or poop)

this song is about the red baron. u know, the historical character that Snoopy would imitate sometimes

POWER METAL

Just lol @ listening to this crap if u are older than 11. Even bigger lol @ how much currency this stuff has in Europe, and how seriously Europeans take themselves. this genre should also be banned.

FINAL GRADE: F-

GRINDCORE

While this genre of music is objectively awful, I will admit that sometimes it is fun to listen to MEATSHITS, GUT, COCK N BALL TORTURE, etc and giggle at how many swears and grose words they use in their song titles. That is the only thing keeping it from an F. And at least it’s better than IRON MAIDEN!

FINAL GRADE: D-

NEO-THRASH

LOL @ dressing up in costumes and acting like ur in 1985 ‘having the party of a lifetime’ when in reality ur a sweaty overweight dork playing shows to 25 other losers who think ARTILLERY is the pinnacle of recorded music. Basically the same thing as those weird weeaboo kids who hang out in the food court playing pokeyman in Akatsuki cloaks and updating their Deviantart pages, only with Slayer costumes instead of Bleach ones.

FINAL GRADE: F-

if i had 2 pick a band for teh single worst metal band of all times, i think it would be JUNGLE ROT. i mean, they make HATE ETERNAL seem fresh and innovative!!

BRUTAL DEATH METAL

For the sake of brevity, I am including both brutal technical death metal or technical brutal death metal under this heading, although obviously any REAL metaller knows that there is a world of difference between the two. I mean, if u think that DISGORGE and VOMIT THE SOUL sound anything alike, i don’t even know what to say lol. Maybe get ur hearing checked because ur probably old and clueless.

FINAL GRADE: D

DJENT aka “nu-metal with solos”

While on the 1 hand its funny how everybody in this genre buys a $2000 8 or 9 string guitar only to write nu-metal riffs that only use teh bottom string, on the other hand if you kind of tune out the solos and other lame parts, sometimes it kind of sounds like metalcore. imo it would be best to avoid this genre altogether unless u want to remain a virgin for life but hey, it’s a free country and i cannot tell u what to do.

FINAL GRADE: D

VEST METAL/TRENDY HIPSTER SHIT

If u listen to DEAFHAVEN, KVELERTAK, SUNN O)), BORIS, or any band that comes up in “related artists” for them on Spotify, ur a poser. U probably buy cassettes lol. This is not even debatable lol, just go away and let us REAL metalheads listen to the first two DEMOLITION HAMMER albums in peace while you polish ur Star Wars dolls and MOTORHEAD vinyl.

FINAL GRADE: F-