Written by Sam M., graduate student at the University of Toronto (OISE)





"Yes, we’re fine; of course, I still love you; no, I didn’t forget; sorry, I was just busy.” My partner is used to expressing these assurances to me on a good day. On a good day, he patiently and lovingly sates my frequent and unwarranted requests for validation. Lately, the days aren’t all that good.





Finally, I can name what it means to be so triggered, to be so affected by someone else – I have attachment anxiety! I’m not alone - so does 1/3 of the population. Based on my past experiences and disappointments growing up, it is hard to feel safe and secure when connecting closely with others. I struggle with being overly dependent on my partner. He’s the one I run to for everything, and I put too much pressure on him to be everything. He’s my best friend, confidant, lover, but also sometimes, my parent (eek). I was getting better at things pre-pandemic. I was more independent. I was doing things on my own, seeking comfort less often, enjoying life with AND without him. I was growing. I was starting to find the person I had misplaced in this relationship once again (i.e., myself). I was happy, motivated, free, and cared about me!





This pandemic has disrupted my routine, work, school, and relationships. Being stuck inside separate apartments, I am left with extra time to contemplate ‘what ifs’ (e.g., “what if he leaves me, what if we don’t survive this?”) I am left with fewer distractions from the urges to reach out and confirm just one more time that I am in still, in fact, worthy of love since the last time I checked 10 minutes ago.

With the space between us seemingly increasing, my mind runs amok. It tells me that my partner must be interested in someone else when he’s simply just Face Timing an old friend, or he must be purposely ignoring me when he’s actually just overwhelmed with work, or he must be moving on when I actually just misinterpreted his text as conveying disinterest. Time is passing slowly and feels like my enemy.

The extra time available to peruse social media is a toxic paradox. We can stay superficially connected while we are physically isolated. It is truly a blessing to be able to see family members’ faces and receive daily updates from friends from afar. However, social media feeds the beast that is my insecurity. It leaves me privy to watch other couples who are quarantined together, and I can’t help but feel envious. Seeing my partner online but avoiding my last message, I can’t help but feel insecure. Seeing peers being productive and enjoying independent hobbies, I can’t help but wonder how, and why not me? Why am I so caught up in worrying about whether I am loved that I can’t even bring myself to put my phone down for 5 minutes to do something I want to do?





The scared child in me fears that it is only a matter of time before my partner’s own personal stress due to this pandemic takes a toll on his patience. What then? Will he still lovingly soothe and satisfy my frequent and unwarranted requests for validation? Now, more than ever before, is the time for me to work on this insecurity. For our relationship, but also, for me.





Deep down, I know we’re fine, I know he still loves me, I know he didn’t forget, and I know he’s just busy. I am still learning to trust, to accept, and to love. I have no choice but to take this messy situation day-by-day and wrestle with my thoughts until I believe they are just thoughts. I want to grow through, rather than go through this. And I will work on my relationship – the one I have with myself.