If your birthday is this week: The stars say, this is a bad week to break your crazy uncle out of the insane asylum.

Aries: Your visit the Nudist colony finally cures you of your experimentation with steroids.

Taurus: You will discover that your band’s music isn’t ironic, it’s just really bad.

Gemini: Jimmy Fallon will stop by your place to borrow some cereal. He’ll say it’s for a commercial, but you’ll see him eating it and laughing as he drives away.

Lemini: You will find your cat is the one that keeps ordering softcore porn on your cable system. Teach him to us the Internet for Christ’s sake.

Cancer: This week, the Mafia shoots up your house by mistake, then rebuilds it for free. Hope you like marble end tables and plastic on the seats.

Leo: Your roommate will finally admit he’s been using your toothbrush to apply the medicine he bought to get rid of his crabs.

Virgo: Your waiter will burst into tears when you order the soup. What were you thinking?

Libra: Your meeting will probably go fine. Han Solo is a reasonable starship captain.

Scorpio: You will discover that you didn’t have sex with a blind date, just some random stranger that happened to be waiting at the same bus stop.

Sagittarius: You will have sex with a random stranger you meet at a bus stop.

Capricorn: You’re never going to get a job if you don’t stop whipping it out at job interviews.

Aquarius: If you ever want to get a job at a strip club, you’re going to have to learn to whip it out during job interviews.

Pisces: The day will be full of sunshine and lollipops after the candy factory explodes allowing for a better view of the horizon.