Good morning, if you’d like a little of your own barf in your coffee this morning, then read on and keep a vampire handy to glamour these sucio thoughts from your head afterward.

Sick whores who have always wanted to watch a vagina snap into a Slim Jim creamed from every pore yesterday when TMZ broke the news that a dark-sided, vomit-inducing, life-ruining, genital-shriveling fuck tape starring human turkey jerky Hulk Hogan is being shopped around to the highest bidder. The only place a Hulk Hogan sex tape belongs is in a reissue of Faces of Death, but several porn companies are trying to snatch it up. Hulk Hogan tells TMZ that he’s never going to sign off on that shit and he didn’t even know he had a sex tape out there. We’re all backstroking in the gutter together, so let me kill that question in your brain by saying that the tape isn’t of Hulk Hogan humping and grunting on a homemade Brooke Hogan Real Doll. TMZ says that Hulk stick his short, stale chicharon in an “unidentified brunette.”

Hulk says that screwing on hundreds of pieces has given him a serious case of whorenesia and he has no idea who the brunette in the sex tape is. Right after he divorced Linda Hogan and before he picked up his current wife, he went on a 4-month-long booze and bagina binge. Hulk proved that he’s a feminist with a hairy wishbone goatee by saying this: “During that time, I don’t even remember people’s names, much less girls.”

There really is an easy way to find out who the trick in the tape is. Just check the records for every suicide prevention line, because as soon as the ho came down from being high on Hulk’s peroxide fumes, the realization of sucking on his fortune cookie titty hit her and she definitely reached for the noose. I mean, who the hell would fuck that bitch? (“You probably would, you dirty slut.” – You “You have a point.” – Me) You know the dick is so small that when he sticks it in, the screen above your coochie reads “unable to read” like at an ATM. Letting Hulk sex on you is probably a lot like letting a sunburnt hippo with gas lay on your naked body while huffing and farting. And at least the sunburnt hippo won’t scream out, “Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania cums on you.” Tip me over and pour me out into some brain bleach.