I didn’t even have to seek out a job listing this week. Uber mailed this letter to ME!

They already want me, so I GOTSTA apply to this job!

Job Ref: Uber Driver

Dear Uber,

When I received your letter in the mail, I was so relieved. Thank you so much for seeking me out. Finally I can escape these bills and mounting debt! It’s so simple too! Work for Uber. Why didn’t I think of that? And here I was, not applying to Uber based soley on the fact that I don’t own a car. Turns out you guys don’t care! What a bold stance for a car-based business model!

Since I already walk the city of LA to get around anyway, it’ll only be a small adjustment to add passengers to my daily routine. I run REAL fast, and I can deadlift up to one man or two moderately sized women at a time with just the assistance of a weightlifting belt and some smart lifting tecniques. All things considered, I’m guessing I could handle up to 8 miles of Uber fares per night, and even more if they’re small children.

Don’t worry about speed either. Traffic jams? Not a problem. I’ll be able to dart between cars, climb over walls and fences, cut through people’s yards, swim a little, or whatever else it takes to get my passengers to their destination on time. Sure they won’t be able to charge their iPhones during the ride, and maybe I might be a little too winded on the hills to make chit-chat, but what a unique experience it’ll be for an Uber customer so used to the humdrum normality of ride shares these days. Imagine their delight when instead of a dude in a white Prius pulling up, I’m standing outside their apartment in a damp Uber polo, getting a quick stretch in. Think of all the Instagrams!

I admit, there may be some issues with this arrangement, but I’m confident there’s a workaround to everything. For instance, I don’t know that I’m legally allowed to access freeways on foot, so I may need to bypass them with buses and subways, but I promise to both pay the Metro fare for my passengers as well as keep them hiked up on my shoulders for the duration of the bus ride.

Now, I don’t want to make any waves and all, seeing as how I haven’t even gotten the job yet, but you did seek ME out, and well…I need a raise. After all, I will be physically carrying these people to their destinations. I’m gonna be going through shoes like crazy, and for the comfort of my passengers, (who I remind you will be resting on my shoulders and back for no less than 45 minutes at a time) I should probably wear fabrics that wick. And that Under Armour crap don’t come cheap. So, whatever the usual fee structure is for cars, how about I get a buck more? Maybe later on down the road we can talk Rollerblades, but I won’t press the issue now.

I’m fully insured (Lloyds of London policy on my legs from my modeling days), licensed (concealed carry), and ready to go to work for U(ber)!

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

