I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.



I tracked down Rachel’s correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number again



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re a scumbag!” and hung up.



I wrote his number down with the word “scumbag” next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!



When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic “scumbag” calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?”

He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a scumbag!”



One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re a scumbag.”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call



But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1

“Hello.”

“You’re a scumbag!” (But I didn’t hang up )

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“ Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hanson.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, scumbag.”

Then I called Scumbag #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, scumbag,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, scumbag, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.



Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.



There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.



Now I feel a lot better





QuotaBills Anger punishes itself. - English Proverb



Nature is cheaper than therapy. - M P Zarrella



Anger blows out the candle of the mind. - Robert G Ingersoll



Whining is anger through a small opening. - Al Franken



Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. - Benjamin Franklin



Give your stress wings and let it fly away. - Gerri Guillemets



Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. - Kin Hubbard



If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel. - Unknown



Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one. - Benjamin Franklin



Stress should be a powerful driving force, not an obstacle. - Bob Phillips



Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on. - Alice Miller



Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding. - Mohandas K. Gandhi



We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. - David Mamet



Anger must be the energy that has not yet found its right channel. - Florida Scott-Maxwell



I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. - Richard Lewis



Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness. - Richard Carlson



Chocolate is cheaper than therapy, and you don't need an appointment. - Unknown



God will never give you anything you can't handle, so don't stress. - Kelly Clarkson



Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one. - Hans Selye



Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. - JRR Tolkien



Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. - Scott Adams



Man should not try to avoid stress any more than he would shun food, love, or exercise. - Hans Selye



The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman



Stress exacerbates any problem, whether it's diabetes, heart trouble, MS, or whatever. - Mary Ann Mobley



The yoga mat is a good place to turn when talk therapy and antidepressants aren't enough. - Amy Weintraub



In times of great stress or adversity, plow your anger and your energy into something positive. - Lee Iacocca



Don't waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy. - Roy T. Bennett



Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't. - Peter F Drucker



If you can't control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls waiting to be attacked. - Book of Proverbs



Some of these people need ten years of therapy - ten sentences of mine do not equal ten years of therapy. - Oscar Wilde



The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present. - Barbara de Angelis



People say that forgiving is my flaw, but I really believe that holding grudges and anger is a waste of energy. - Mayte Garcia



Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. - P.J. O'Rourke



Transformation also means looking for ways to stop pushing yourself so hard professionally or inviting so much stress. - Gail Sheehy



I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. - Hartman Jule



Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha



The conventional definition of management is getting work done through people, but real management is developing people through work. - Agha Hasan Abedi



Animals are not our selfie props. If there's any risk that your photo is going to hurt or stress an animal, it's not worth it. - Angela Henderson



Finance functions lose the potential to steer their organizations to success when they defer performance management to other functions. - Jack Alexander



The paradigm of treating menopause symptoms with the lowest effective dose of hormone therapy, for the shortest period necessary, is very sensible. - Hugh Taylor





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