Its hard to keep writing when more than one person you love tells you they deliberately wont read your blog. I mean, I didnt make this for them, but it just screams, “NO ONE FUCKING CAAAARRREEESSS”.

But I want/need to start writing again because I have too much inside. Too much passion, outrage, sadness, and stories built up in me not to. Plus theres always the chance that what I say might resonate with or help someone else.

I really dont even know where to start anymore, I think Im going to do some editing on this site too. I guess Ill just get you caught up?

I started this blog to write about my journey of mental health recovery, but I can only say the same thing so many times before I get bored. Recovery is a slow ass process. I in particular, have had many therapists and psychologists, so just staying on track is hard because I feel like I am constantly reintroducing myself.

Both doctors need time to get to know you before they can treat you.

Ive been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, major depressive, borderline personality, post traumatic stress, and panic w/ agoraphobia disorders.

Its a whole bunch that pretty much means I cant function right now due to the trauma of my childhood and adolescence. My BPD used to be the worst. Back in the day I was self medicating with drugs and alcohol…and alcohol.

Let me tell you, if you have any kind of emotional dysregulation, deep sadness, resentment, or impulse issues, JUST DONT DRINK.

Especially if you WANT to be a better/different person. If you want to stop yourself destructive behaviors. I “quit” drinking in 2016, I didnt really quit, I smoke a shitload of weed in its place now. I can drink on good mental health days with good people, but I still have to limit myself, eat and drink during or I can feel the mood swings happening and I start saying inappropriate or mean shit again.

I was also in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for 2.5 years. That shit should be mandatory in schools. It has helped me be able to communicate with friends and family soooo much better than I used to. Its helped me to be self aware, to know when others are projecting their issues onto me or vice versa.

Since I made these changes, my BPD symptoms have all but gone into remission. Weed helps so much with my impulse control and rage outbursts, which were my two main problems. I dont get myself into NEARLY as many dangerous or stupid situations. Weed gives me time to pause, time to think, time to center myself.Without weed I definitely still qualify for the diagnosis. Mostly the PTSD and MDD are the hardest things for me to deal with now.



Ive become more spiritual. After losing my christian faith in my younger 20s, Ive been spending a lot of time listening to the universe and teaching myself to recognize patterns and signs. Ive been listening to what calls me and developing my own faith. Its still in development because I definitely want to take my time and I really dont enjoy defining things like this, I suppose if I had to Id say Im somewhere between Buddhism and Paganism.

Another change that has helped my recovery is taking it more into my own hands. Being careful about who I let into my life. Using vitamins, exercise, nature, friends, aromatherapy, meditation, not forcing myself to do things I dont want to do. Most importantly- letting go of the expectations that other people have for me.

I started this blog for it to be about my mental health recovery so thats what Ill be focusing on. My revelations, my setbacks, my growth, and my meds and how they affect me.

I just started 150mgs Wellbutrin after being on 40mgs Celexa for a while. Celexa works for my depression but only for about a month or two. This doctor told me it might give me a “boost” in the morning which should be great because thats usually when Im very emotional. Im also still on Gabapentin, Ive been on various doses throughout the years but now its 800mgs in the morning 400mgs in the afternoon and another 800mgs at night. It helps for my daily anxiety, honestly Ive been on it so long Im not sure how much it really helps cause I still cant make it to the store most days. Im on 1-2 mgs clonazepam for panic attacks but it mostly helps me be social and sleep. Im on 1mg Prozasin which is a med specifically prescribed for ptsd related nightmares and it has helped me SO FUCKING MUCH. I used to have panic attacks at night from nightmares, reliving trauma, and waking up not know what was real. It sucked and affected every single part of my life. Prozasin apparently helps keep adrenaline from entering the blood brain barrier, keeping night terrors away. I still have shadows of nightmares. Sometimes I still wake up sweating but all I can remember is a face, his face ofcourse.

Anyways I also take B12, calcium, and Vitamin D supplements. I smoke weed in mornings because they are always really hard for me, I smoke when I have panic attacks, recreationally, and before bed. But I am very specific about the strain, needs to be an indica with low thc. I use lavender and frankincense for depression and anxiety also.

Theres a few different themes I want to get into, I want to make individual posts about my PTSD, about shame, and my faith, good coping mechanisms, and I do have shit to get off my chest about my personal life but since its usually just nonsense drama, Ill probably make video blogs instead.

Try to be your best selves.

-Nichole