Best way to combat antisemitism is by firing live rounds at unarmed kids, Israel confirms

The most effective way of combating antisemitism in all its forms is by discharging your rifle into the head of a teenager and high-fiving a colleague, Israel has found.

Israel insists there are practical measures to deal with potential antisemites such as state prevention programs and the lethal targeting of malcontents while they’re still young.

However, their actions over the previous 24 hours mean that the space reserved on Benjamin Netanyahu’s mantelpiece for the Nobel Peace Prize is unlikely to be filled any time soon.

Israel was forced to murder fifty-five innocent civilians (and counting) in cold blood when uppity Arabs amassed at their border and started banging on and on about the lack of work and soaring property prices in the Gaza Strip.

But antisemites across the planet soon seized on Israel’s not unreasonable behaviour and began throwing emotive words like “tragedy” and “massacre” around.

International Observer and probable terrorist sympathiser, Simon Williams, said, “You know you’re in deep trouble when someone with Theresa May’s track record starts criticising your treatment of foreigners and border policy.

“As a starting point, and call me crazy if you like, but I’d like to suggest the Israeli Defence Force swaps actual deadly bullets for the rubber variety and then maybe tries aiming at the legs of an antisemite instead of the head.

“After all rubber bullets, perhaps combined with a tear gas chaser, leave a pleasant tickling sensation on contact with the abdomen and did so much to promote good community relations in Northern Ireland.”

He added, “In the final analysis, there is taking reasonable steps to defend your borders against the considerable threat posed by dusky youths armed with pea-shooters, and there is acting like c*nts.

“With the best will in the world, I’d have to say it’s currently looking a lot like the second one.”