The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

So, Senator Willy Brown Side Piece and Senator Panders With Wolves have decided to so something even Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit never dared – they’ve come out in favor of reparations. “Reparations” is, of course, the notion that a bunch of people who are not guilty of slavery owe money to people who were not slaves for some reason that never quite gets explained but that you’re racist for wondering about.

This horrific idea is, not shockingly, really unpopular with the majority of people who did not do anything wrong but are expected to cut a check. It is, however, really popular with the leftist activists driving the out-of-control clown car that is today’s Democrat Party.

The Dem candidates are not crazy, and their plan is no doubt to gaslight the SJW suckers with this nonsense during the primaries to win the nomination. Once that mission is accomplished, they will pull the old “Just kidding!” when it comes time to campaign in the battered, opioid-shattered Midwestern states like Ohio and Michigan where the besieged white working class voters would be surprised to learn how privileged they are, as well as how in debt to people they never did anything wrong to.

Or maybe not. I mean, liberals are both incredibly dumb and morally bankrupt, and perhaps they would actually push for an unAmerican racial spoils system where you receive, or pay, cash because of something your great x 5 grandpa was or was not. But let’s get beyond how this whole idea is an atrocity that makes a mockery of everything Americans believe in. Let’s figure out how it is actually supposed to work.

I have questions. Several in fact. So, let’s take me, my wife, and my kids for example and see how this works out in practice.

Now, on the surface, I’m pretty much near the bottom in their heirarchy of racial grievances. The Schlichters came here from Germany before the Revolution and settled in rural Pennsylvania. Clearly, the world was my oyster. Sure, back in 1981, as I was swabbing out toilets in the Foster City, California, Carl’s, Jr., I did not have a solid understanding of the windfall of privilege bequeathed to me. Nor was it readily apparent as a Private First Class at basic training, except when Drill Sergeant Whittlesey would say “No push-ups for the college boy. Two hundred fifty years ago, his ancestors were in Bavaria, so he’s special.” My privilege is clearly the only reason I became a successful lawyer, writer, colonel, and Twitter legend. The decades of hard work were secondary, and anyone who thinks different is a racist.

You would think I’d need to pay full reparations freight, but hold on. My mom’s mom cruised over here from Scotland in about 1910. Do I get a break for that since it was a half-century after slavery ended? And it ended, in some tiny part, because of my great-great grandfather, or maybe great-great-great grandfather, who served with the Union Army in the Civil War. We’re pretty sure some other relatives did too. Oh, and the Confederates burned down the Schlichter hometown, Chambersburg. That’s got to be worth something. Basically, I think I’m entitled to a discount.

Now, my wife immigrated here from Cuba after the Democrats’ pal Fidel Castro started tossing her family in jail for liking freedom. And it gets more complicated – she did one of those 23 and Me DNA things, and she’s got a few percentage points of African and, bizarrely, Native American (more than Big Chief Warren, not that that’s hard). So, as a Latina immigrant of femaleness with some African and Native American heritage, I’m thinking not only does she not owe reparations, but she’s probably due a refund. Just make the check out to cash and I’ll make sure she gets it.

That brings us to our kids. So, they are half-Latin with some extras, and half-Anglo, but with some recent immigrant credit and bonus points for the Civil War. How much do they owe? Or do they get something back?

And what about other folks? How about those Nigerian guys hired by Jussie Smollett? Do they get money? Do they owe money, since clearly they are entrepreneurial immigrant innovators doing jobs Americans just won’t do, like helping fake hate crimes for oppressed dudes making $65K a week. And what’s Jussie Smollett owed by, say, an Illinois truck driver whose ancestors came over from Cork during the potato famine?

I’d like to know how all this works.

But, of course, it doesn’t work, because it’s stupid. And it’s not merely stupid; it is the anti-thesis of justice. The very idea these factors entitle or obligate you to anything is staggeringly immoral and utterly disgusting. Which explains its eager embrace by the Democrats.

But let’s put petty concerns about not being thoroughly evil aside and focus on practical questions, like what exactly does this pigmentation fine/windfall buy us? I mean, if we do this reparations thing, are we done? Are we finished with racial strife? What exactly are we expecting after the checks clear?

Everyone knows that when, say, AAA insurance pays off your auto claim, they make you sign a release that says, essentially, “Hey, for this $1,500, you release all your claims and can never sue for more.” We lawyers use releases all the time in settlements – we call it “buying your peace,” and once you pay off a settlement, the beef is finished, the dispute is resolved, and everyone is even. Is that how this works?

Is the whole leftists racial okey-doke over with forever once the reparations get paid?

SJW with Nosering: “Hey you, in the MAGA hat, you’re exercising your white privilege!”

Mysterious Stranger: “Stop right there, gender indeterminate individual!”

SJW with Nosering: “It’s the Reverend Al Sharpton!”

Reverend Sharpton: “That’s right, and I’m here to tell you that this whole race hustle thing is over, done, finito! Now you need to find something else to complain about!”

SJW with Nosering: “Thanks for the tip, Reverend Al! Hey you, in the MAGA hat, you’re a climate denier!”

Unlikely. These professional racial conmen are never giving up their grift. Reparations I will inevitably be followed by Reparations II: The Revenge.

What will resolve the racial divisions in this country is not a cash transfer but – and you liberals are going to hate this manifestly true statement of fact – a return to the Judeo-Christian values and principles of our Constitution that recognize the worth and dignity of each individual based upon his or her character, as well as a total repudiation of the racial hucksterism that is destroying our culture.

Until we reject the ethnic scammers and professional bigots who seek to make immutable characteristics like race, ethnicity, religion, and gender what defines an individual, our culture and politics will be a poisonous cesspool. It’s those creeps who owe all of us reparations – but I don’t want their money. I just want them to stop destroying my country.

I write about an America split apart into red and blue in my novels People’s Republic, Indian Country and Wildfire, and yeah, the reparations grift makes an appearance in the blue states! Of course, that leads to the blue states being happy, prosperous utopias of love and hugging. Oh wait, no, it totally doesn’t. Check my books out – think of it as reparations, because you owe me for some reason!