We’ve all been there. You don’t have a main squeeze of your own, and it seems like everywhere you look are happy romantic couples who are going out of their way to make sure YOU don’t forget it. But this plucky man has his own strategy for dealing with being involuntarily celibate: curdling his self-loathing and rage into making himself repellent to the opposite sex!

Hashtag Self-Care Goals!

Nathan Spinner, 24, of Mississauga was once a self-proclaimed “wallflower”. None of the girls in his classes seemed to pay much attention to him, and he found himself spending most Saturday nights at home “playing Xbox on one-player mode”, if you catch my drift.

Nathan had tried doing absolutely nothing, but it didn’t seem to get him any ladies at all! So did he try to raise his own self-esteem by joining a gym or meeting friends at an improv class?

Heck no, those would have been huge wastes of time! Our hero went the extra mile, and found a frighteningly noxious online community of fellow misogynists who welcomed him into their fevered swamp of mutually-reinforcing hatred for the women they believe they’re entitled to. Holla!

Now, instead of worrying about how he can’t get a date, Nathan has a busy schedule of shitposting on 4Chan, retweeting Jordan Peterson lectures, and blaming other people for his inability to get a date! After all, why try to change the bad things about yourself, when you could lean into and exacerbate them?

They say “it takes a village to raise a child”, and I guess this is like that, if by “village” you mean “a noxious swamp of lost and angry souls who reinforce each other’s darkest impulses”, and by “child” you mean “a bitter and self-pitying loner who can’t even tell if he’s making ‘jokes’ anymore.” Be the change YOU want to see in the world, Nathan!

Nathan’s family and few remaining friends can’t stop asking him what his new secret is! This usually involves them saying “what the fuck is wrong with you, man?” when Nathan mentions something about “Chads” and “Stacies” at the dinner table, or posts memes celebrating the latest tragic mass killing.

Don’t sweat it Nathan, they just jelly of you and your new regressively dangerous outlook on sexual relations!

So watch out ladies (for real, watch out). Nathan Spinner of Mississauga may not be the King of Hook-ups, but he’s hooking HIMSELF up with other self-described “nice guys” who all assume they’re NOT the dangerous one.