“That is either an overreach by the Alabama G.O.P. or some pretty intense viral marketing for the new season of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale.’ I don’t get it. If a TV show has to become reality, why can’t it be ‘Star Trek’ so they can beam me off of this planet?” — STEPHEN COLBERT “They’re going to throw them right in the Alabama slammer for 99 years. Let’s see, it’s 2019, so by the time those doctors get out of jail in Alabama, it will be 1895.” — STEPHEN COLBERT “The bill also makes no exceptions for victims of rape and incest, because the whole point of this law is to establish that a fetus is a person with rights. Now, that is a bold interpretation of human development. But, on the plus side, apparently, pregnant women get to vote twice now.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

Donald Jr. to Provide Limited Intelligence

After initially refusing to testify in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee in regards to potential Russian interference in the 2016 election, Donald Trump Jr. has agreed to answer a specific set of questions in a certain amount of time.

“The president’s eldest son, Don Jr. — DJTJ — has reached a deal to appear before the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee next month to try to convince them he doesn’t know anything. For him, how hard could that be?” — JIMMY KIMMEL “It will be a closed-door session, which is a shame but these are some of the questions he is expected to be asked: What happened in the Trump Tower meeting? What was your father’s involvement in Trump Tower Moscow? Did you lie to Congress? What the hell is up with that beard? How do you strap a bicycle helmet without a chin?” — JIMMY KIMMEL “After weeks of ignoring their subpoena, last night, Junior struck a deal for a limited interview with the Intelligence Committee. To be fair, every meeting with Don Jr. involves limited intelligence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT “Donald Trump Jr. agreed to testify before a Senate committee, but only for a maximum of four hours. Apparently, that’s as long as Don Jr. can leave Eric outside in the car.” — JIMMY FALLON “I heard that Don Jr.’s testimony will be done in private, so it will not be on TV. The president was like, ‘You lost me at Don Jr. and then you lost me again at not on TV.’” — JIMMY FALLON

The Punchiest Punchlines (Alabama Senate Edition)

“I think it’s fair to say that this is the most restrictive law of its kind in America, which is why it barely squeaked by in the Alabama senate 25-6, with all 25 votes cast in favor coming from Republican men, though it may be the last time those Republican men will be coming for a while.” — STEPHEN COLBERT “To put it in perspective for you male senators, it would be like if cops showed up every time you miracle whipped into your wife’s good towels and accused you of genocide except different because you never wanted to bring your shame tadpoles to term.” — SAMANTHA BEE “Tonight we also have music from Of Monsters and Men. Not only is Of Monsters and Men a great name for a band, but it’s also how most women describe the Alabama Senate.” — JIMMY FALLON “It looks like that world’s hardest game of Guess Who, doesn’t it? ‘Does he have a tie? Is he old? Yep!’ They’re deciding women’s rights and then they’ll pick the nominees for this year’s B.E.T. awards, so it should be very exciting.” — JIMMY FALLON

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