VANCOUVER, CANADA — Embattled director Josh Trank has some good news for Star Wars fans. According to the Fantastic Four helmer, the planned Rogue One reshoots, which now comprise as much as 40% of the film, still fall short of a genuine trainwreck.

“Edwards got nothing on me. Until he starts destroying rental properties or showing up to work incoherent, he’s just not on my level.”

We caught up with Trank as he prepared to reshoot 95% of a Payless Shoes commercial, and he quickly put things in perspective for us.

“Bro, I nearly took down Marvel Studios singlehandedly. Trust me, Rogue One, even with all the hype about its first world problems, won’t even be up for one Razzie, let alone 5 like my opus. Here’s the difference between Edwards and me: he directed a Godzilla film. On my sets, I am mother$&@*ing Godzilla.”

After breaking for lunch and disappearing for 4 hours, Trank returned to “finish what he started” for the footwear retailer. Apparently in Trank-speak that meant setting a pack of starved hyenas and howler monkeys loose upon the set. For the record, we have never seen the budget on a budget shoe commercial balloon so quickly — Trank is truly a master at what he does.

Once the final loafers had been shredded and eaten, the veteran of several trainwreck projects re-iterated his message of hope to Star Wars fans.

“I’ve cornered the market on this s%#t. Who do you think is concepting ways to explode Aquaman’s fish tank set for Zack Snyder right now?!! Scout leader Gareth?!? Droid, please. Rogue One ain’t seen problems like me. In a race to the bottom, no one can touch this. You can’t out-Trank the Trank!”

While Trank’s opinion may seem a tad deranged, he does speak from experience. If you recall, prior to Fantastic Four crashing and burning, Trank was attached to direct a Star Wars spinoff himself. The fact that he managed to expertly doom both projects in one fell swoop speaks volumes. So when the expert on trainwrecks claims Rogue One is no trainwreck, we think it’s safe to say it’s probably not a trainwreck.

Finally, some legit good news!

Special thanks to Josh Trank, Payless ShoeSource, and Clark County Animal Countrol for making this story a reality. As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for the latest faking news on a galaxy far, far away.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo