MISHAWAKA, IN—After thoroughly testing its alcohol metabolization and blood-cleansing properties with a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark, sales manager Randall Young confirmed Thursday that his new liver could really handle its scotch. “I had no idea how bad my old liver was until I tried this one,” Young said of the pristine new multifunction gland he spent nearly two years waiting to take out for a spin. “Seriously, I’ve been pounding this shit all night and I feel completely fine—better than I have in years. Used to be I’d have like 10, maybe 12 shots and I’d be puking up what little bile my old liver could secrete, but this one is a fucking tank. Makes my kidneys look like garbage. I’m ready for another 10, and I’m not even turning yellow.” Young claimed his only regret was that such a “kickass” organ had to spend 28 years cooped up in a triathlete.

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