

Download the MP3 | Watch the Video

A virtual planet of the apes, the WHO invents a video games disease, many new contestants on “Ask Your Mom, Wife, or Girlfriend when the Following Five Wars Happened: The Revolutionary War, The Civil War, World War 1, World War 2, and Vietnam”, things only 90s kids will remember: Vietnam, the effects of short avatars on the brain, playing as the chick in video games, the rejection of post foam and construction Amish, premature ejaculators, being a fireman, Chris the Kiwi describes his dream date with Dr. Rachel, and taking all weddings out of children’s programming; all that and more on this week’s episode of The Dick Show!

Road Rage: Vegas is coming, and so will you, so bring ten extra pairs of underwear! Tickets are live and going fast for a once-in-a-lifetime Las Vegas event June 22nd at the Saxe Theater in Planet Hollywood. Apostrophos will be there, Sean will be there, Madcucks will be there, Sean will be there, I will be there–with a visa or without, and and Sean will be there, at an event that is sure to see at least ten people get arrested. Come on out. If you live in LA, we’ll be doing a caravan leaving Thursday at around noon. More details to come.

Road Rage: Vegas

June 22nd, 9PM

Saxe Theater, Planet Hollywood

But first…

As a 90s kid, I remember Vietnam like it was yesterday. The horrifying scenes of carnage and war broadcast from the frontlines in between episodes of Blossom and Rugrats and Dinosaurs and Friends. Must See TV, they called it. “This is where I’m going to send you if you lose another Trapper Keeper,” our moms would say. The armed conflict between the communist government of “Japan maybe or China?” and “America. It has to be America or you wouldn’t be asking” that divided our nation for years to come, gave rise to the “free love”, hippie movement of the 1990s, and took the lives of many a young promising millennial–a loss from which they still have not recovered because they were also fighting in Iraq at the time, maybe that’s where Vietnam was? Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf? He was Vietnamese.

Nixon was president. Also George Bush was president at the same time–no that doesn’t seem right, he was the president before Obama. I don’t know.

It doesn’t matter. As a graduating member of the class of 1998–when American troop deployment into whatever country Vietnam was fought in, Hawaii maybe? Vietnam isn’t a country, is it?–was at an all time high, Vietnam affected me in a unique way. The draft. The mandatory conscription of able-bodied men into the United States communist-crushing war machine. “Super Predators” Hillary Clinton called us. And she was right. Raised on gladiatorial games like “Double Dare” and “Super Market Sweep”, we were the deadliest generation. Video game makers Nintendo and Sega would be brought before congress to testify on how to enhance the murderous tendencies cultivated by their games–training a nation of wet-minded teenagers into “Charlie American” killing machines.

“Ask not what your country can do for Midway, ask what Midway can do for the country,” I remember Ed Boon saying passionately testifying to the violent nature of his blockbuster new game.

I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t get drafted. I went on to college and worked on the Internet, a technology that was still in its infancy as Vietnam wound down in mid 2005. The soldiers (who had only communicated back home with Hotmail and Myspace accounts until then) were getting on YouTube and exposing the horrifying realities of the Vietnam War, Napalm, prostitution, marijuana. America just couldn’t take it anymore. And also 9/11 happened didn’t it? Wait, I think I fucked up.

How is that not a mental disability but video games are? Get fucked, The World Health Organization. You guys are clown shoes.

“The Greatest Pickup Line in the World” by Hilarious Jalapeño.



“Mortal Kuckbat” by Spinston



Dick Pics



Thumbnail of Space Madness by Cartyoun.



Comments

comments