Hello Bipolar World

Happy & Sad masks

I self-diagnosed myself as “bipolar” or “manic depressive” about a year ago.

I think the symptoms were there at least a few years before that. It took me a while, but I finally got the nerve to walk up to a psychiatrist, and he confirmed that the symptoms I exhibit correspond with Bipolar Type II disorder. He wouldn’t “diagnose me as bipolar” because (good) psychiatrists never do that, but he said I can take some medication to help me with that … so the shoe fits. I haven’t started taking any meds yet.

Imagine you are both superman and Al Bundy. This is how it feels.

There are two sides to your personality. They are both real. They are both you. You have zero control over which side manifests at any given day. Both sides are extremes, and take their toll (even though the manic side often feels wonderful).

How does it feel to be manic?

Do ALL the things!

Today, I’m hypomanic, which is a lesser degree of mania.

I’m fortunate to never have experienced a full on manic attack, but rather always the lesser, pleasant hypomania. Manic people really act like they are supermen, and truly believe they have super powers. They would decide one day, without any previous planning or funding, to purchase a new building and turn it into a shelter for the homeless. They would be completely sure that they have just now found the cure for cancer (without any medical training whatsoever), write a paper about it, and post it all over Facebook (hint: the paper would not contain any cure for cancer. It would be on the border of gibberish). Manic episodes often get you in actual trouble, and sometimes hospitalized or incarcerated.

So what are my hypomania episodes like?

Sexual Desire

I woke up in the middle of the night from an intense erotic dream. In general, my hypo is colored by stronger sexual desire throughout the day. Being polyamorous, this exhibits differently than monogamous people. Theoretically, I can do whatever I want to channel this sexual energy. I have a few girlfriends, a few other women that I chat online with for sexual purposes (whom I haven’t yet met) … I have “legitimate outlets” for all this super sexual energy.

In practice though, things aren’t always this simple. Even poly people have rules and agreements, and other limitations on their time and energy. We don’t literally want or can sleep with everyone in the world, but rather choose to focus our energy on a few loved ones … so even while poly makes this easier, sometimes this hyper sexuality is a curse.

Sleeplessness

I woke up today at 5:30 , after having gone to sleep at around 00:30. No alarm clock, no important thing I should do in the morning. My brain just decided to wake me up and keep me up. Often I wake up due to horniness, but this time I just woke up restless. I remained in bed until about 6:20, tried to go to sleep again, I meditated in bed — I don’t like getting up so early.

Of course it’s wonderful to enjoy a 17 hours day where I wake up energetic! However, this burst of morning energy is misleading. My body and mind are tired, even though I often don’t feel tired. Today’s hypo was just the first day, but my hypo periods usually last around 7–10 days. Imagine 10 straight days of sleeping 3–4 hours a night on average… after this, my mind gets so jumbled and tired that I can barely function. This oftens leads to the depressive state of my bipolar existence, as my mind just needs to shut down and recover.

I can do everything!

My hypo episodes are characterized by an urge to DO. My brain keeps suggesting to me all these different things I can do, which “hardly take any effort from me”. A good sign that I’m hypo, is that I often start literally dozens of different Facebook posts, threads, groups and whatnot, just in a few hours. My friends and family wake up to find their Facebook feed and inboxes blasted with my posts. They know hypo-Ron is back.

The thing is, I really can do more when I’m hypo!

I’m more active, more charismatic, I think faster and get a lot done. However, I can’t really “Do all the things”. I overextend myself, and after a few days of this, I find myself swamped under all the things I started doing. I’m terrific at starting things, not so good as completing tasks or prioritizing.

This summer I visited my family in Toronto. It was the last day before my flight. It took me about 20 hours to pack my suitcase for the return trip, because I kept getting distracted by other things. I got into an full fledged anxiety/panic attack when I realized the day is progressing and I haven’t started packing yet, although this was my top priority task. Luckily I asked my family for assistance, and they guided me through the phone, and then just stood there as I packed, reminding me over and over again that this was my top priority. My prioritization sucks when I’m hypo.

I can be annoying as hell

I’m literally in love with me when I’m hypo. I’m often in love with everyone else also, with the universe, with existence. But I’m especially in love with myself.

This, understandably, can make me very annoying to be around. I’m self patient with other people (because I “already know” what they have to say, and what I have to say is “more important”). I’m more irritable. I … just prick people the wrong way.

How should you handle me when I’m hypo?

Here are a few things you can do:

Take care of yourself. If I’m too annoying to be around, state your limits and don’t be around me for a while. Take my words in perspective. If I come to you with a great idea for a new parking app, don’t think that I’m actually going to build it tomorrow (even though it might seem that way from the way I speak). I have a million ideas a minute, and I need to get them out … it does’t mean most or any of them will be realized. Remind me if I approach or cross my own safety limits. If I drive too recklessly, if I want to post my nude photos on my Facebook walls, if I’m about to tell complete strangers my Bitcoin password … stop me. Remind me that I’m hypo. Ask me to postpone and reconsider any major life decisions for a more stable time.

Depression: it sucks to be alive

You can’t just “get over it”

Yesterday, I was depressed. How do I know this?

I had plans for yesterday. Things that I needed to do. Urgent things.

Instead, after waking up with my girlfriend around 9AM and kissing her off as she went to school, I crawled back into bed and stayed there until 4PM playing silly games on my phone, never bothering to eat, drink or take a break. I put my phone on airplane mode most of that time.

God, if my phone was online and somebody had texted me, or god forbid called me … that would have been difficult. I had to run away. When I’m depressed, the very thought of communicating with other people is daunting.

It’s a loop. A black spiral that has no bottom. You will only understand me if you've been there. And no, you can’t just “get over it”. Telling me to “pull myself together” will just alienate me. It will show me you don’t understand. I find it difficult to even write about this state at length … the words are hesitant to come out. My mind reels from thinking about my depression, even at my current hypomanic state. This is why it seeks escape.

Escape can come in many forms. Procrastination. Masurbation. Drinking. Distancing yourself from the living.

The Ultimate Escape

Suicide.

Yes, I think of committing suicide every now and then. The fact that I’m writing this here, that I’m discussing these thoughts, is good. (suicidal thoughts that aren’t shared are a risk factor).

When I’m down, everything seems pointless and hopeless. The voice inside of me that says “I will never feel better”, sounds much more believable at those times. Nobody understands me. I am a burden on society, on my family and loved ones. I need to do them a favor and distance myself, cut myself off from my support, and finally just remove my existence from this world…

This is the tune that is playing inside my head when I’m depressed. It’s not “real”, it is just a story … but it’s hard to see this when I’m at that state.

What can you do to help when I’m depressed?

Here are a few suggestions: