SEATTLE—Reflecting on the lost innocence of his youth, area serial killer Grant Southerton was reportedly feeling nostalgic Wednesday for those bygone days when he was still able to get excited by something as simple as setting a dog on fire. “Yeah, back when I was a kid, I remember spending hours absolutely enthralled by nothing more than pouring gasoline on a neighborhood stray and lighting a match,” said Southerton, fondly recalling his guileless childhood when he’d spend an entire afternoon ripping a squirrel apart with a pair of pliers just for the sheer wonder of it. “These days, when I watch the life drain out of a victim’s eyes and realize how it’s become so rote, I feel a million miles away from that carefree youth. And yes, I admit I’m probably looking at my past with rose-colored glasses—it could get mighty frustrating trying to cut through bone with my little pocket knife or having to bury the evidence in the backyard creek, but I still really miss those halcyon days when it wasn’t about the notoriety, it wasn’t about making them all pay, it was just about the quiet joy of murdering a helpless creature.” Southerton added that he was hoping to recapture some small measure of that youthful spirit by setting aside some time to vivisect a litter of kittens.

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