Measured by any standard, Uncle Sam has been a failed social engineer. He has spent hundreds of billions—perhaps trillions—trying to transform Third World hellholes into First World democracies and the results have been embarrassing. Our well-intentioned Uncle has failed even where he called the shots. How can you explain the sorry state of Puerto Rico though it, supposedly, enjoys all the ingredients of a First World nation– rule of law, a stable currency, ample free public education, an adequate infrastructure and relatively low levels of corruption together with a business friendly government? Even more embarrassing, what explains the unsuccessful efforts to re-make Detroit, East St. Louis and Garry IN among countless other urban calamites into something closer to Portland, OR? After all, the excuses that explain failure in Africa hardly apply to Camden, NJ.

The reasons for these failures are clear—people profoundly differ in their abilities and preferences and are impervious to be transformed into something “better” regardless of how much treasure is invested. Unfortunately, expressing this self-evident view is nearly impossible–the blank slate version of human nature dominates today’s public discussions. The upshot will be yet more money flushed down the toilet all the while social engineering grows more draconian.

Is an honest public discussion possible? Let me suggest a modest strategy modeled on George Orwell’s Animal Farm, a book that safely reduced complex ideology to familiar barnyard critters.

Let’s put everything in canine terms and leave people out of it. This is straightforward since most people have a passing familiarity with popular breeds but, more importantly, outside of a few dog aficionados, nobody gets offending when honestly comparing breeds. Even the most PC extremist will admit that the behavior of Chihuahuas is not socially constructed.

So imagine a nation, Hundestan (our version of Orwell’s Manor Farm), dominated by Golden Retrievers that is both politically stable and economically successful. Everything works and peace reigns. This will hardly surprise dog fanciers. One guide characterizes the breed as friendly, tolerant, a good family pet, highly intelligent, excellent workers happiest when having a job and perfect for providing therapy and assistance. They excel at competitive obedience contests but, on the downside, are a terrible watch dog since a retriever will not attack strangers. Retrievers also avoid fights with other dogs, a big plus when walking Fido or visiting dogs runs. No wonder, then, that Golden Retrievers are the second most popular breed in the US.

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A nation ruled by Golden Retrievers would be as good as the canine world will get—friendly, peaceful, nearly everybody gainfully employed in duck hunting or ball chasing and law abiding. Think the dog version of Switzerland or New Zealand. Alas, evolution happens and the Retriever Class would not monopolize the doggy world. Even within Hundestan itself there are breeds that “just don’t get it.” They resist training, have weak memories, easily get lost, fail to adapt to new situations, among other bothersome traits. These troubled breeds include the Chow Chow, the bull dog, basset hounds and the borzoi.

Equally worrying are breeds that share the borders of Hundestan. These stans are not really nations in the sense that Hundestan is a nation. Ungoverned and ungovernable “tribal areas” is a more accurate characterization, a land of perpetual war and economic stagnation. Among the more violent tribes are the Cane Corso, a breed that can grow to 150 pounds and was first breed by the Romans for battle. Equally dangerous are Bull Terrier, a strong, highly muscled dog inclined to attack and kill smaller dogs. Meanwhile a nearby mountainous region is ruled by the Gull Dong, also called the Pakistani Bull Dog that is hard-wired to be a vicious fighting dog notably difficult to control.

Perhaps owing to their benign nature and work ethic, Hundestan’s Golden Retrievers have long struggled to export their way of life to other breeds, interventions like very early obedience training, distributing thousands of free tennis balls so that every dog could develop good chasing skills and making special allowances for some breeds to participate in high-stakes obedience contests though their preliminary scores fell short of the required minimum.

Sad to say, however, naturally dumb Beagles and Basset Hounds would flee their lessons and instead take off in futile pursuit of rabbit scents. Meanwhile, nerdy Poodles were hired to help the aloof Basenji become more sociable but to no avail. Worse were forays into Hundestan by violent Gull Dongs raiders. The sad reality was that none of the more troublesome breeds wanted to be—or even could be–Golden Retrievers.

Needless to say, anybody with even passing canine experience would recognize the truth of this tale—you can’t make Mastifs into Poodles short of genetically engineering or selective breeding over dozens and dozens of generations. Even then, the long-term consequences may be unpredictable, e.g., a Mastif engineered by selective breeding to be naturally child-friendly may have unexpectedly acquired genetic defects. Better to buy the Retriever off the shelf than spend a fortune trying to convert Mastifs. As per Animal Farm, does anybody, even to most PC infected, believe that all dog breeds are equal? Hardly—some breeds are more equal than others.

There is nothing new here but that’s not the point. Our whimsical tale is all about altering what can be safely said publicly, and discussing dog breeds is far more acceptable than offering rock solid scientific evidence on why foreign aid to Africa invariably fails. Let’s just talk about why Cavalier King Charles Spaniel are cute and cuddly but deficient in the brains department compared to Border Collies. And why these Spaniels will always be dumb no matter how much time they spend herding sheep. Who could possibly be offended?