LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

A recent study by Roy Morgan Australia has revealed that salted caramel flavour is the signature of every last fucking ice cream shop.

The findings of the three-year study concluded that the flavour created from mixing heated sugar with salt is something every ice cream shop is happy to take credit for, even if they first saw it in Gourmet Traveller eight years ago.

“It was quite a difficult study, our team got very fat,” stated a Roy Morgan representative, heaving beneath a series of cumbersome chins.

“Please do not bring any salt or caramel anywhere near them.”

According to the published findings, the popular flavour often becomes the signature item when the ice cream shop adds the word ‘sea’ in front of ‘salted caramel’ or names it for a nearby town famous during the Gold Rush e.g. Mt Quilby Gold.

“You’ve got to try Mt Quilby Gold!” stated one research subject, who was unaware she could have got the same ice cream from literally any other ice cream shop in Australia as well as a supermarket or servo.

The ACCC is currently investigating the businesses that make these claims but with the commission’s close ties to ‘big creamer,’ many are sceptical that these fucking ice cream shops will face consequences for their actions.