So, I hear you’ve gone ahead and passed Amendment 1, putting a ban on gay marriage right into your state constitution. Well done, your decision will be remembered by future historians centuries from now. Of course, it will be remembered in much the same way as today’s historians remember your 1875 constitutional amendment to ban interracial marriages, but hey, you’re getting in the history books, and that’s what matters, right? I mean really, what would history be without the bad guys doing their thing to stir the pot? You wouldn’t have – oh hell, let’s just get it out of the way and move past the low hanging fruit – you wouldn’t have WWII without Hitler, and without WWII, you wouldn’t have most of the 20th century’s history, or at least the history you remember from the movies you’ve seen. You wouldn’t have had the Cold War without the Commies, you wouldn’t have had the Fall of Rome without the Huns, and you wouldn’t have had Gandalf without Sauron. All the best stuff from history comes as a direct result of people banding together and struggling against the bad guys of their age, marching to the drumbeat of history toward the future, against the forces that would bring oppression and hatred to the world. I mean, it’s no invasion of Poland or sacking of Rome, but Amendment 1 is a pretty good crack at the whole oppression and hatred thing, I have to hand it to you.

Oh, and the way you wrapped it up in your holiest robes of protecting religious freedom? That was your master stroke; I have to hand it to you. Nothing stirs up fear of the unknown and foreign like a solid appeal to “tradition” under attack, and the pompous self-righteousness you managed to get behind this amendment was one for the books, I have no doubts. Decades from now, people will be talking about just how much scripture had to be twisted or ignored in order to come up with a “biblical” definition of marriage. Never mind that St. Paul advised against getting married at all unless you simply couldn’t resist the temptations of your flesh, and may have himself been a “friend of Dorcas”, if you get my meaning. Never mind that Jesus himself never married, that all of the Patriarchs of the Old Testament were polygamous, that a fair few of the brides in that Old Testament were slaves or taken as prizes from conquered territories, or that pretty much all of them were viewed merely as chattel, not as equal partners in a state-sanctioned union which invested property rights and tax benefits. No, all of that is beside the point, and we should be looking at the First Couple, Adam and Eve (not, as they say, “Adam and Steve”); they of Genesis, he of the earth and she of his rib, given to him as his helpmate in life. And after he had lain with her, and she had born him two sons, one of whom killed the other, the younger son took for himself a wife who was totally not his sister, or maybe she was, but that’s ok, because who else was he going to marry, right? (OK, now the marrying your cousin but not your gay cousin thing starts to make a little more sense.) But forget about Cain; Adam and Eve, that right there is our model for marriage, one man, one woman, and that’s it. Of course, had there been more than one woman or man on the planet when that marriage took place, who’s to say what might have happened, but that’s beside the point, and quit bringing up bothersome questions.

So, here we are in 2012, and marriage is under attack. Statistics say that roughly half of all marriages will end in divorce, children being raised by single mothers, deadbeat dads running out on their responsibilities, and we need to figure out how to stop it. But what to do? Obviously, ignore the fact that your state already has a law on the books prohibiting gay marriage, and you write a mega-ban right into your state constitution! That will show those uppity gays that you take your marriage vows seriously. I mean, maybe it takes you until your third or fourth set of vows to get to that point, but dammit, you’re not going to lose another marriage to the queers, not on your watch.

Want an example of how horrible things could get if the gay agenda were to seep into your culture and strike a blow for the Devil? Look no further than this God-forsaken country to your north, Canada. We have had legalized gay marriage up here for years now, and things couldn’t be worse. You can’t throw a burning cross without hitting three gay marriage ceremonies, and most of them involve some poor straight man who’s being forced into the unholy union against his will. That’s right; up here we force straight men to marry the gays, because our system is that perverted. Law says, if a gay man asks you to marry him, you can’t say no, you have to marry him, and if you don’t, you could be sent to jail for 10 years, where you’ll find yourself the “bride” of many more. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be somewhat portly and under-washed, my poor appearance has saved me from the advances of the demon gays during these trying times. In fact, many of us among the oppressed straight community have taken to avoiding bathing and any number of personal grooming habits in the hopes that it will make us unappealing to those who would prey on our delicate flesh through forced gay marriages. Oh, you noticed I said “marriages”, in the plural? That’s right, there’s no limit to how many gay men can force you to marry them, many of my more well-groomed friends have found themselves eternally bound to several deviants of the disco.

This is what those “activists” in your state are fighting to bring to your homes, make no mistake. Don’t be swayed by their claims that they are trying to protect people’s civil rights, or those people who tell you that they just want access to the same benefits you and your families enjoy. These are just sneaky lies designed to make you feel some faint shred of empathy for people facing unreasonable discrimination for the crime of loving someone from their own gender; don’t be fooled by their “reason” or “appeal to fairness”. Of course, history is going to agree with them once things finally do go the way of interracial marriage, but it’s important that you remain adamant against these “brave” and “courageous” people battling against your right to unreasonably discriminate against people because you think they’re icky.

So again I say to you, well done North Carolina! God bless your work towards protecting marriage by limiting the number of people who can participate in it, rather than making it more difficult to get a divorce. Clearly, this was the way to go, and not something silly like discouraging people from getting married and breaking up within the same drunken weekend. Bravo.