COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child. According to accounts, McBride took the easy way out by asking doctors to administer a pain reliever minutes before going into active labor with her son, proving that she simply isn’t cut out for the challenges of motherhood. Reports indicate that the weak-willed McBride, who could have started her maternal years on the right foot by putting in the effort necessary to withstand the physical discomfort, instead dropped the ball during her very first moments as a parent by taking anesthesia that would render her completely detached from her child’s entry into the world. Sources then expressed their deepest sympathies for McBride’s newborn son, Joshua, after his negligent mother sat around doing nothing and had to rely on someone else to clear her baby’s blocked airway rather than take care of her child’s problem herself.

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