“We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war, our Great Depression is our lives.” – Tyler Durden.

I remember feeling unusually angry hearing Brad Pitt mouth these famous lines in the much-celebrated “Fight Club”, essentially equating depression to some kind of an elitist existential problem, born out of the luxury of being idle and indulging in over-thinking. In a world where mental illness is already a taboo, frivolous statements like this only make things worse.

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I have fought Bipolar Disorder for over 13 years. There was a time when I thought that my life was completely wrecked.

Today, I am a happy, balanced and satisfied individual who's doing well professionally also. The credit of this turnaround goes not only to my persistent efforts, but also to those around me– my parents, my brother, my partner, and my therapist.

Without them understanding my situation, I don’t think I would’ve lived to tell my tale. They’ve helped me immensely, and here, I'm going to share their efforts for all those who're looking for ways to help their loved ones going through mental illness or a tough phase in life.

Listen without judging

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it came as a shock to my parents. The has been no genetic history of bipolar in my family and yet, here I was, dealing with something none of us could have ever imagined.

Though they were taken aback by the news, overtime, they accepted it and began making efforts. My parents started with meeting my therapist regularly to understand my illness and how they could contribute towards the betterment of my mental health.

Even though they didn’t understand all that I was going through, one thing they always did was – Listen.

Some of my experiences were too alien to them and they didn’t know what to make of them. For an instance, once when I was admitted in an ICU, I had auditory hallucinations for two days straight. My parents had no clue what I was talking about but still, they always listened to me.

Under extreme stress, my vision blurs, I throw up whenever things get too much to handle and I cannot look at objects with stripes or lines on them without getting nauseous.

My parents don't relate to any of these things, but for the past decade or so, they've been the most patient listeners. No matter how weird or unusual my experiences are, I know I have people I can talk to without the fear of being judged.

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Don’t motivate

That's right- don't motivate. I am sure you have the best of intentions when you take to motivating a loved one suffering from any mental illness by using phrases like “cheer up”, “be positive”, “go for a jog, everything will be alright”, “start smiling more”, “thoda socialize kar” etc.

But, the fact is- that person isn’t sulking by choice. It's the chemicals in her brain that aren’t allowing her to be cheerful, no matter how hard she tries.

So instead of suggesting to cheer up, just lend a ear and let her know that you're there for her.

Also, here’s the thing about motivation – it wears out.

I, during my worst phases of bipolar disorder, was caught in this seesaw. There were days when I would pep myself up and decide that no matter how deep or dark a pit of depression my brain throws me in, I would pick myself up. Pick up I did, only to fall back again because the chemicals in my brain followed a cyclical pattern.

My family was aware of this vicious cycle, and so, instead of motivating me, they worked on providing me with a sense of stability. During my high days, they wouldn’t indulge in a celebratory mode because they realised that the low phase might be just be lurking around. Their behavior in my high and low phases used to be exactly the same – equanimous.

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Empathize, don’t sympathize

There is a very thin line between sympathy and empathy that you need to tread carefully while extending support to a loved one struggling with a mental disorder. I am fortunate to have a partner who understands the difference well and behaves accordingly.

When you sympathize, you invoke a sense of pity. This results into the sufferer self-victimizing herself which can prove really dangerous.

My partner empathized with me, and exhibited the ability to experience my feelings. She would try to recount and share incidents when she went through similar emotions, making me feel that not only did she understand what I was going through but was also there for me. It was a much broader and more intense emotional reaction than sympathy, and meant the world to me.

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Strike a balance between protecting and nudging them to fight

My parents, seeing me suffer, went in a full-parent mode. They gave me a lot of space – which, I emphasize, is a very healthy thing to do. But I also feel that while giving me the space, they ended up over-protecting me. In their minds- while allowing me to confine myself to my room for days, sleep for 16+ hours a day, and completely de-socialize myself- they were doing their best to handle my super sensitive situation. But somehow, I'd say, while getting over-protected, I didn't get the push to come out of the darkness. This is a completely personal view and I'm in no way discounting the need for space.

On the other hand, my elder brother used to be a much-needed balancing stick. He would give me all the space I needed, but would also subtly nudge me to come out of the room and put up a fight. He made sure that I don't succumb to my condition and confine myself in my comfort zone and pushed me to learn how to balance my life alongside my illness. When you don't understand how to behave with a loved one suffering from mental illness, you tend to shower all the love and care, but understand that while doing it, it's also important to remind them to not give up.

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Encourage to seek professional help

Without discounting the efforts of my family and my partner, I strongly feel that my mental health therapist played a greater role in helping me conquer bipolar disorder.

As a family or friend, one needs to be supportive and understanding, but one cannot replace a doctor or a therapist. Mental health therapists are professionally and scientifically trained to identify patterns in a patient’s personality and work on them accordingly to rectify thought patterns and behaviours.

I had been fighting bipolar disorder for 11+ years, but it was only when I found a good therapist that I was able to defeat it. There is no shame in seeking professional help, so encourage your loved one to seek it if she's is going through a tasking phase in her life.

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Finally, remember - with mental illness, one size doesn’t fit all

The kind of help received by one person may or may not work for others. If you’re seeking to help someone, consult a lot of people who’ve dealt with similar circumstances and see what aspects of their approach fits your scenario. If something that worked for them isn't yielding the same results for you, leave that method and try to find another way.

Also, remember that you might end up putting pressure on the sufferer if you expect your way of helping to work. Always keep your expectations in check. Be patient. Half of the job is done if you're willing to help and empathize with the person. Over time, learn, and devise your own ways and just be there.