OMG it’s week 4!! 😦 Athlete in Space, what do I do?????

We got u, fam! Here are key starts n sits for the fourth week of the 2019 NFL season!

All of the Jets: SIT! If you have a Jet on your team, better put that dude on the bench. The New York Jets have the very first bye of the NFL. “What about Le’Veon Bell?” Yes, even Le’Veon Bell! Every single Jet. Put them on ur bench now before u forget! And hey check out the available players in ur league, their might be some cool Jets that u can get for cheap and save for next weekend.

All of the 49ers: START. Yup, no issues here, start ’em all! In fact, u might want to pick up more San Francisco 49s this week. If your lucky, there might be some free agents for u to slot in ur lineup!

Daniel Jones, Giants QB: SIT! Sources close to Peyton Manning intercepted a text message from former Giant starting quarterback Eli Manning telling his big bro all about his genius plan to put a TON of laxatives in his replacement’s Gatorade. So if ur a Daniel Jones owner, you can either trust that he’ll read this blog post and know not to drink any Gatorade handed to him by Eli Manning. Or u can play it safe and just start someone else.

Sterling Shepard, Giants WR: START. Start this man for sure. Sterling “McDreamy” Shepard has the most QB experience of any giant except Eli Manning and Daniel Jones. If Eli Manning’s laxative plan goes through and then Eli Manning forgets and drinks the Gatorade, too, it’s going to be Sterling Shepard’s time to shine! He’s also tweeted several pictures of Wheaties, so we know he’s been eating right. GL this weekend, Sterling Shepard! No matter what position they ask u to play!

Tyler Lockett, Seahawks WR: StART. This week, Tyler Lockett was visited at home by the reigning official seahawk, named Billy! Billy the Seahawk flew to Tyler Lockett’s house and knocked on the window with his beak. Of course Tyler Lockett let him in, it’s terrible bad luck to turn away Billy! The last player visited by Billy the Seahawk was Quarter Russell Wilson himself on October 25th, 2017–the week Russell Wilson become the first QBack in history to throw over 450 yards and rush over 25 yards the night after eating quinoa. Billy the Seahawk has a sense about players on the brink of success, so expect big things for Tyler Lockett this week!

Tyler Lockett greets his colleague Billy the Seahawk.

Will Dissly, Seahawks TE: SIT. Sit sit sit!!! Reportedly the night before Billy the Seahawk paid a visit to Tyler Lockett, the beloved bird attempted to reach out to tight end Will Dissly… Dissly tweeted about hearing a knocking on his window in the middle of the night. Still half asleep, Dissly chucked his alarm clock at the window, cracking the glass and scaring away Billy the Seahawk and all of his football blessings! It’s okay, Dissly, everybody makes mistakes. But fantasy owners, u know all about sports superstitions! Give some serious thought to this sit.

Yikes. Better luck next time!

Mason Rudolph, Steelers QB: SIT. Rumor has it Mason Rudolph, the new Big Ben Jr., took one look at the throwback uniform bee costume and walked out! Steelers staff is pretty tight-lipped about the situation, but an unnamed Steeler snapped a picture of Rudolph’s bee jersey in the dumpster outside their practice facility. Maybe he’ll have a change of heart, maybe the Steelers will opt to wear their regular jerseys, or MAYBE Coach Tomlin will force Big Ben Roethlisberger to ben up and take one for the team. (So expect to see a lot of Steelers running plays!)

Kerryon Johnson, Lions RB: START. Loins RB Kerryon Johnson had a fantastic week! He got in some solid Zzzzz’s, he enjoyed a walk in the park, he pet a cute dog, he bought some ice cream from an ice cream truck and then saw a line of neighborhood kids and bought them all ice cream, what a great guy! (Don’t worry, he picked out gluten free ice cream for the kid with the gluten allergy.) When u have a great attitude outside of work, u will have a great attitude on the job as well. So expect Kerryon Johnson to run and have a ton of fun this Sunday when the Detriot Loins take on the Kansas City Other Footballs!

Baker Mayfield, Browns QB: SIT. Baker Mayfield and the NFL still haven’t come to an agreement about his job duties! Baker Mayfield had to pull some record overtime this week because a few raccoons got into the stadium and ate the majority of hot dogs. Mayfield was on the phone all night on Tuesday, talking to hot dogs and hot dog sellers about getting enough food for Sunday’s game.

Eddy Pineiro, Bears K: SIT. Bares kicker Eddy Pineiro conquered some fierce competition to get his starting job! But this week, in a miscommunication of epic proportions, Eddy Pineiro thought the Bear game was in London so he hopped on a plane! Last we heard, he’s still at Heathrow trying to get a standby ticket back to Chicago for their game against the Vikings! Best of luck, Eddy Pineiro!