MICHAEL Gove has kept his position in the cabinet to punish Britain, Boris Johnson has confirmed.

The goggle-eyed former coke-snorter has been catastrophically bad as education secretary, justice secretary and environment secretary, but has remained in the cabinet to teach us that he is no more than we deserve.

The prime minister said: “I’d love to sack Michael. I hate him. He’s a repulsive, slimy, backstabbing sewer rat. But I’m not getting rid of him and neither are you.

“I can think of no better expression of my contempt for this country than to keep Gove’s webbed hands on the levers of power. Teachers still hate him from 2014. You don’t throw away a talent like that.

“He will still be sent out to defend the government’s policies on telly when I can’t be bothered. He will still slither around parliament like a pool of oil. And ultimately he will have the full blame for Brexit pinned upon him.

“Until then, Michael stays. And when you see him and think ‘Somebody up there hates us’, yes. That’s the point.”