Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007) is an American television series about a secret military team, SG-1, that is formed to explore other planets through the recently discovered Stargates. The show, created by Brad Wright and Jonathan Glassner, is based on the 1994 science fiction film Stargate by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich.

Daniel Jackson: Can we communicate with them? Jacob: And say what? Daniel Jackson: I don't know, "don't shoot"?

Col. O'Neill: I'm enjoying their style. Shoot first, send flowers later. It works.

Col. O'Neill: Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying we're not going to make it. I think we made it. Jacob: I'm sorry, I overreacted. At the time, it looked very much like we weren't going to make it. Col. O'Neill: Yes, well, maybe next time you'll just wait and see. Jacob: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right? Col. O'Neill: What? Maj. Carter: [grinning] Welcome to my life.

Daniel Jackson: Teal'c, you don't really believe you're still First Prime of Apophis. Teal'c: I have never ceased to be in the service of my god. Col. O'Neill: All right, that's sounding a little brainwashy. You don't believe that guy's a god any more than I do. [Teal'c is silent] Col. O'Neill: What's that supposed to mean?

Maj. Carter: [in reference to a door she is trying to unlock] Sir, I really hate to sound negative, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that without a little more insight into how these things actually work, I’ve got pretty much zero chance of hitting... [door slides open] Okay, maybe not zero.

Col. O'Neill: Come on, Teal'c. A part of you has to know the truth. Teal'c: The truth is you are a prisoner of Apophis. When the symbiote I carry matures, you will become its host. Col. O'Neill: Okay, I meant the other truth.

Ren Au: (in a female voice) The Tok'ra are officially considering Selmac a fallen war hero. Gen. Hammond: You'll forgive me for holding out hope a little longer. SG-1 has a surprisingly good habit of beating the odds.





Gen. Hammond: Please explain to me what it is you hope to achieve by depriving Teal'c of his symbiote? Bra'tac: I hope to save him. Dr. Jackson: By killing him? Bra'tac: If necessary. Col. O'Neill: See, I think we disagree on the meaning of the word "save".

Bra'tac: And where is your false god now, Teal'c? Teal'c: He will come. Col. O'Neill: I don't think so buddy. I know we've been over this a few times, but in case you weren't listening, I am one hundred percent s-sure... [Col. O'Neill trades glances with Maj. Carter and Dr. Jackson, both of whom appear skeptical] Col. O'Neill: Ninety nine percent sure Apophis is dead.

[Teal'c is speaking about his friend Va'lar] Teal'c: He failed his god! Col. O'Neill: His god? You mean that scumsuckin', overdressed, boombox-voice snake-in-the-head? Latest on our long list of dead bad guys? Dr. Fraiser: Colonel, his heart rate just doubled. Teal'c: Fool! Col. O'Neill:[to Daniel] That I understood.

[Teal'c is remembering an argument he once had with his wife] Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman! Daniel Jackson: [startled] Woman? Did he just call me a woman? Col. O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.

Col. O'Neill: How long? Dr. Jackson: Uh, well days, weeks, months, maybe…of meticulous, tedious... boring tediousness. [O'Neill walks off] Daniel Jackson: But uh, I can just keep working now. By lunch at least.

Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O. Col. O'Neill: [Tossing Teal'c his cell phone] Call Daniel.

Maj. Carter: I was just wondering how far you'd got on the 636 translation. Daniel Jackson: Oh yes, I'm almost done. It miraculously seems to hold the key to all the mysteries of the universe. Maj. Carter: You just got there, you haven't started, and I should leave you alone.

[Orlin presents Maj. Carter with a very large emerald] Maj. Carter: You made it? Orlin: You wouldn't believe the things you can make from the common, simple items lying around your planet... which reminds me, you're going to need a new microwave.

[Maj. Carter sees Orlin has constructed a miniature Stargate in her basement] Maj. Carter: You've been busy. Orlin: I didn't think they'd let me go back to Velona through their Stargate. Maj. Carter: So you built one? Orlin: Sort of. This will not dial multiple addresses, it will only create a wormhole once and probably burn out. Maj. Carter: And you ordered the materials on-line? Orlin: Mostly. Sorry but you're going to have a pretty big credit card bill this month. Oh, and you're going to need a new toaster.

Col. Simmons: Need I remind you, Dr Jackson, of the dangers that we're trying to defend Earth against? Dr. Jackson: Oh, could you? Go slow.

Teal'c: Do you believe Major Carter has become mentally unstable? Col. O'Neill: No more than the rest of us.

Daniel Jackson: Oh, no, I mean, I get it. I mean we obviously have Lt. Tyler issues. I say he exists. You say he doesn't. Col. Simmons: This is not just about Lt. Tyler. Daniel Jackson: Someone else doesn't exist?

Col. O'Neill: You know what the Goa'uld really want from us? Minnesota, that's what. For the fishing, mostly.

Teal'c: If I were still loyal to the Goa'uld you would know it. Col. Simmons: Really? Teal'c: It would be immediately apparent, as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.

Col. O'Neill: Hey, where's Tyler? Daniel Jackson: You know, I would've asked him, but I was too busy being unconscious after he shot me with that zat you gave him, so…

Col. O'Neill: Well I wasn't going to let you die Lieutenant. It's like…a ton of paperwork. Lt. Tyler: [Confused] Paperwork? Col. O'Neill: It's a joke. My way of deflecting attention from my own obvious heroism. You'll get used to it.

Lt. Tyler: Why did you return for me? You could have escaped while I distracted them! Col. O'Neill: Because we don't leave our people behind! Lt. Tyler: But I am not one of your people! Col. O'Neill: Coulda fooled me... Actually, you did fool me.

Maj. Carter: Sir, I've been thinking. Col. O'Neill: I'd be shocked if you ever stopped, Carter.

Col. O'Neill: Carter? What just happened? (She looks up at the sky, confused) Elrad: The Eye of Odin grows dim. Maj. Carter: Some sort of shift in the light frequency. Col. O'Neill: Good. I thought I was having a stroke.

Col. O'Neill: I have great confidence in you, Carter. Go on back to the SGC and… confuse Hammond.

Col. O'Neill: However, we do have a smaaall little problem that could use some of that Asgard magic. Freyr: Are you implying that our technology is some kind of trickery? [long pause] Col. O'Neill: You're sure Thor's not around somewhere?

Col. O'Neill: Is it obvious only to me that these people don't want help?

Gen. Hammond: [referring to Carter's plan] I thought the odds of success in this scenario were one in a million, Major. Maj. Carter: Yes, sir. But I now think that we can increase that estimate to one percent. Col. O'Neill: It's your call, General. I only understand only one percent of what she says half the time.

[Carter explains a plan to Gen. Hammond and Col. O'Neill to save K'Tau] Col. O'Neill: I thought when something was in a wormhole, it existed only as energy,that you needed another Stargate to turn it back into solid matter. Maj. Carter: Actually, you're absolutely correct, sir. [O'Neill stares at Carter and says nothing for few seconds] Col. O'Neill: I am? Maj. Carter: Yes. [While Carter continues to explain, O'Neill turns back to Gen. Hammond and grins]

Teal'c: The K'Tau were not convinced? Col. O'Neill: No. [to Jackson] Because you didn't say what needed to be said. Daniel Jackson: Well, what would you have said? [O'Neill walks away] Daniel Jackson: [concerned] Wait, what are you going to say? [he hurries off after O'Neill]

Maj. Carter: Daniel and Teal'c? Col. O'Neill: They're in the village. Still trying to convince the folks we're friendly elves.

[Col. O'Neill is addressing the Asgard High Council] Col. O'Neill: We made a mistake, a big mistake. And we're very sorry. But we also saved your little grey butts from the replicators, and now we want your help. I'm not asking you to change the course of their cultural development. Just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell. Daniel Jackson: [aside to Carter] Little gray butts... Maj. Carter: Yeah... One of the Asgard High Council: Unfortunately, we cannot. Col. O'Neill: OK. At the risk of sounding like the petulant inferior race... Why not?!

Cassandra: What do you see when you look at me now? Maj. Carter: I see you. And until your head starts spinning around, and probably even then, I will still see…you.

Cassandra: Dominic's waiting. Dr. Fraiser: Fine! Invite him in. I'm sure he'd like to have a piece of birthday cake that Sam went to all the trouble to bake. Maj. Carter: [softly] Buy. Dr. Fraiser: Bring.

[SG-1 is going through Goa'uld equipment] Col. O'Neill: What is this for? Teal'c: What do you think it is for? Col. O'Neill: Yikes.

Burrock: Now I know for certain there is more out there. Col. O'Neill: Yeah, I know, the grass always looks cleaner.

Burrock: It is our custom to welcome travelers with a drink. Will you join us? Col. O'Neill: It is our custom to drink... lead on!

[Dr. Jackson has just received a telephone call informing him that a Russian SG team will soon be arriving.] Daniel Jackson: [to Maj. Carter and Col. O'Neill] The Russians are coming.

Maj. Vallarin: [In Russian] The greatest superpower on Earth, and they can't make a decent cup of coffee.

Maj. Carter: Are you saying he was eaten alive? Daniel Jackson: The sarcophagus would have done its best to keep him alive, so...it probably would have taken a while. Lt. Tolinev: My God. Col. O'Neill: Okay. That is officially the worst way to go.

Maj. Vallarin: Wait here. Daniel Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone, and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.

Col. O'Neill: They don't get excited in general, General. It's like an entire planet of accountants.

Col. O'Neill: Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore... turns out y'are.

Teal'c: Senator Kinsey appears to be most displeased. [Has a big smile on his face] Col. O'Neill: [flatly] Yeah, that's a cryin' shame, innit?

Daniel Jackson: I just hope we don't regret giving them those Gate addresses. Col. O'Neill: I don't think we will, the first one being a black hole and all. They get progressively darker after that.

Teal'c: Have you discovered something Daniel Jackson? Dr. Jackson: Oh God, I hope not. Probably, though.

Col. O'Neill: How'd you find me? Maybourne: Played a lot of hide and seek as a kid. Funny, I could always find anyone anywhere but they could never find me. Col. O'Neill: Because they didn't want to.

Maybourne: Gonna turn me in? Col. O'Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back. Daniel Jackson: I said I think I just electrocuted myself. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Guard: No. Daniel Jackson: [zats him] Something like that.

[Whilst wearing a bulletproof vest Jack gets shot in the arm]: Col. O'Neill: I want sleeves on my vest.

Hobo: I'm just a crazy old guy with a shopping cart full of cans. Col. O'Neill: I'm just a cynical Air Force guy with a closet full of National Geographic. Hobo: Can I have them?

Colonel Danning: "As a matter of fact, it does say Colonel on my uniform." [Ironic because it doesn't say Colonel on his uniform. The line may also be a response to O'Neill's rhetorical question from The First Commandment, where he asks "Does it say 'Colonel' anywhere on my uniform?" after Carter and Connor both refuse his orders.]

Martin Lloyd: This is for scene 23? You think they have apples on an alien planet? Prop Master: Why not? They speak English. Martin Lloyd: Look, get some kiwis, and spray-paint them red. Prop Master: [pulls out script] OK, so now it'll go "Nick walks into a garden of kiwi trees, says 'How like Eden this planet is,' and bites into a painted kiwi." Martin Lloyd: OK, you're the prop master, right? So you're a master of props. So...figure it out.

(possibly a reference to Beneath the Surface, an episode in which a character is seen eating red kiwis)

Dr. Levant: Dammit, just because they're aliens and their skulls are transparent, doesn't mean they don't have rights!

[Regarding an explosion] Director: No, no, no, no, no, no. Bigger, much bigger.

[Regarding an explosion] Director: No. Look at my lips. Big-ger.

[Regarding an explosion] Director: Bigger! What is it about the word "bigger" that you don't understand?

Martin Lloyd: I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes, and if I'm not there on time, well... well, they start without me.

Director: "Aaaa-aaaa-aaaaand action!"

Yolanda Reese: Uh, I'm having trouble with scene 27. It says I'm out of phase, so I can pass my hand through solid matter, or walk through walls. Director: Yeah, yeah, cos you're out of phase. Martin Lloyd: Um, exactly. Yolanda Reese: So, how come I don't fall through the floor? [Long pause, with Director and Martin staring at each other] Martin Lloyd: We'll have to get back to you on that. [This is a reference to sci-fi "out of phase" episodes in general, and Season Three's "Crystal Skull" specifically, when an out-of-phase Jackson could walk through people and walls, yet was seen at one point sitting on a cabinet.]

Writer: We could always go back to the way it was in the script. Director: No, we can't. We've already established that one shot stuns and two shots kills, and Victor shot everybody twice. Martin Lloyd: So three shots disintegrates them! Director: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. [walks away] [this is an obvious reference to the way Zat guns originally worked] Martin Lloyd: [to writer] Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Why are you even on set? Go write something!

Maj. Carter: I don't know what happened, sir, we lost him. I mean, one minute he was here, the next minute he was gone. Col. O'Neill: Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.

Greenburg: [admiring a real space ship] Cool special effect. Wright: I've seen better. Greenburg: Ah, we'll fix it in post. Wright: Yeah. So, you think we can get eighteen in? Greenburg: Yeah, if we cut back on the Mulligans…You think that's funny? Wright: Yeah, that's good enough for a walk away. Greenburg: When's a good time to fade out? Wright: Eh, right about…now. [scene fades out]

[At the end of the show is a "behind the scenes look" at the creation of Wormhole X-Treme!] Bocher: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader…in the feature film...Uh, are you okay?

[In the behind-the-scenes look] Peter DeLuise: You realize this is not a real show. Michael DeLuise: You saying Wormhole X-Treme isn't real? All this is...? Peter DeLuise: It's not a real show. It's a fake show. Michael DeLuise: Did my agent know about this? Michael DeLuise: Am I getting paid real money? Douglas Anders:Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, “Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all.

Maj. Carter: Uh, sir, if you don't mind, your wound is getting all over my lab.

[As part of a training scenario for new recruits, Jackson is occupying Hammond's office.] Daniel Jackson: [sitting in Hammond's chair] Oh, I have to tell you, I like this scenario way better than the last one. Have you tried this chair? This is like…really comfortable. [pounds the chair's arm to prove it]

Col. O'Neill: [ominously] Have fun, Daniel. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, you did tell them to take me prisoner this time and not shoot me, right? Right? [no answer] Hello?

Col. O'Neill: [Gets up off the ground] So! We're all dead! And there's an armed Goa'uld on the loose... I got a problem with that. Anyone else got a problem with that?

Col. O'Neill: You hesitated Lieutenant. Elliot: I was assessing the situation, sir. Col. O'Neill: Okay, we all ended up dead. Assess that. Elliot: I stopped to argue with Grogan and lost control of the situation. Col. O'Neill: And that wasn't even your first mistake. (Jack points at Satterfield) What's your excuse? Satterfield: I didn't believe Dr Jackson was a Goa'uld. Maj. Carter: Why not, Satterfield? Satterfield: I don't know, ma'am. That was just my instinct. Haley: She thinks he's cute.

Col. O'Neill: Okay, so one of your team members distracted you into getting shot by the enemy and you want to poke holes in the training scenario? Elliot: It wasn't a fair test. Col. O'Neill: There's such a thing as over-thinking a situation, Lieutenant. When you're dealing with what we deal with, you've got to think on your feet and think fast. These and other cliches will be available to you all for one more day of training with me. After that, you'll either be assigned to an SG team or not. Dismissed.

Maj. Carter: They didn't take corridor C19 like you told them to. Col. O'Neill: Crafty little buggers.

Lt. Grogan: We kicked ass! Col. O'Neill: You got yourself shot again Grogan, don't be so cocky.

Col. Maybourne: I'll be in town for a couple of days. I'd like to see how things turn out. I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name Cassidy. Col. O'Neill: David or Shaun? Col. Maybourne: Butch.

Col. O'Neill: What makes you think I care if you live or die? Conrad/Goa'uld: What about the host? Col. O'Neill: He tried to kill a friend of mine to save his own ass so I don't much care about him either. Conrad/Goa'uld: If you kill me, Teal'c dies. Col. O'Neill: Give me another choice. Conrad/Goa'uld: Let me go. Once I am free, I will contact you with the information. Col. O'Neill: I think Teal'c would rather I shoot you.

Maj. Carter: Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD? Dr. Jackson: Not without giving back Alaska.

Maj. Carter: That's how the Pentagon came up with the 48 hour limit, isn't it? You told them Teal'c would be dead. Dr. McKay: That's why it's called a deadline.

Dr. McKay: I guess that we got off on the wrong foot. Maj. Carter: What probability factor did you use figuring that out?

Dr. McKay: Wish I didn't find you so attractive. I always had a weakness for dumb blondes. Maj. Carter: [referring to McKay's citrus allergy] Go suck a lemon. Dr. McKay: Very sexy. Very, very sexy

[The Russian DHD explodes.] Dr. Jackson: Wow. That never happened in the simulations.

Dr. Jackson: You'd think a race advanced enough to fly around in space ships would be smart enough to have seat belts, huh? Jacob: We just prefer not to crash. Selmak: (in an Old Man Voice) If it really is Anubis... Daniel Jackson: Then killing all the System Lords would just open the way for him to take over completely. You always said that a bunch of warring System Lords was better than one all powerful one, so... Selmak: (in an Old Man Voice) You do not understand how bad Anubis is. He was banished by the System Lords because his crimes were unspeakable, even to the Goa'uld. [Carter is reprogramming a Tok'ra sensor] Maj. Carter: That's it. I'm done. Col. O'Neill: How do we know if its working? Maj. Carter: Well, I guess we'll know if someone comes and rescues us.

Maj. Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end-to-end to be approximately 137 kilometers. Col. O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Col. O'Neill: And when Earth gets hit by that rock and we're all wiped out, that's gonna be unfortunate too? Freyr: Very. [Cut to briefing room; Hammond and SG1 are sitting around the table.] Col. O'Neill: ... and after that I kinda lost my temper. Gen. Hammond: What exactly does that mean? Daniel Jackson: Let's just say Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.

Maj. Carter: We're about ready to attempt an engine start, sir. Col. O'Neill: Yeah fine. Assume there isn't one what? Maj. Carter: Recall device. Col. O'Neill: The X301? That was you guys? Webber: You have to admit it performed beautifully right up until the point you and Teal'c were sent into deep space. Col. O'Neill: Yeah!

Maj. Carter: Well I'm just slightly concerned that if we push them too hard, and they burn out before we reach escape velocity that… we'll come crashing back to the planet. Daniel Jackson: I'm confident. Col. O'Neill: Me too. Teal'c: As am I.

Col. O'Neill: Oh come on! We came, we saw, we planted a bomb, we had a little fun with a meteor shower, we went home. It's a great story! Isn't it?

Col. O'Neill: So, what happens when that bomb goes off? Maj. Carter: Well, the explosion will be enhanced by the naqahdah, probably to the force of a small nova. This close to Earth, it would be enough to set the atmosphere on fire and boil the oceans. Col. O'Neill: Okay, this was not in the movie.

[After discovering that every wire in their nuclear bomb is yellow, when they were expecting the one wire they need to defuse to be red] Col. O'Neill: You know, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that this is a very poorly designed bomb, and I think we should say something to somebody about it when we get back. Maj. Carter: I agree sir.

Maj. Carter: If it comes right down to it, we can detonate it right here. What's our position? Dr. Jackson: Well, personally I'm against it. If you want to know where the ship is....

[The asteroid is speeding towards Earth] Col. O'Neill [urging Maj. Carter]: Carter, I can see my house!

[Bra'tac and Teal'c have just finished making a recommendation to SG-1] Col. O'Neill: Deliverance...Do you guys have any idea what happened to the guys in that movie? Bra'tac: I do not. K'tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri. Slayers of Ra, Hathor, Setesh, Heru'ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis. Col. O'Neill: Well, somebody's been keeping score! Col. Jack O'Neill. K'tano: A familiar name. Cursed by every Goa'uld. Imhotep himself declared your days were numbered. Col. O'Neill: Well, that's fine. As long as it's a very big number.

Col. O'Neill: This [holds up a staff weapon] is a weapon of terror. It's made to intimidate the enemy. This [holds up a P-90] is a weapon of war. It's made to kill the enemy.

K'tano: I see you are one who speaks your mind, O'Neill. Col. O'Neill: Yes, which is why I don't say much. Col. O'Neill: Well, they have no problem with dying. I do. Daniel Jackson: You have a problem with dying, or that they have no problem with dying? Col. O'Neill: Both...I think [K'tano walks out amid a fire fight] Col. O'Neill: What are you doing?! Rak'nor: He does not know fear! Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, he knows stupid! K'tano: Beg for mercy. Teal'c: I die free. K'tano: (leaning down and whispering into Teal'c's ear) You die at the hands of your god, (Normal voice) Imhotep!

Grieves: I'll say this again: I don't like the thought of going into this unarmed. Col. O'Neill: And…I don't care. Kershaw: [sarcastically] I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs. Daniel Jackson: [holding up his knife, sarcastically] Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?

Daniel Jackson: Just out of curiosity, how many years did you take off their sentence if they managed to fix this? Col. O'Neill: Actually, they'll get a few more years out of this. Daniel Jackson: More? Col. O'Neill: They were on death row.

Col. O'Neill: [concerning Jonas] He was a nerd, sir. He and Daniel got along great.

Gen. Hammond: I will draft a letter to the Kelownan leader— Col. O'Neill: General, you cannot capitulate to these people. They are lying bastards.

Col. O'Neill: I only agreed to bring that letter so I could see you. Jonas: Why? Col. O'Neill: Because Daniel is dying. Jonas: And you're looking for someone to blame? Col. O'Neill: I'm not gonna let you tarnish his name. See, I don't care what that stuff is worth, to anyone. My government will admit Daniel is guilty over my dead body.

Col. O'Neill: You're not gonna take the fall for this. I don't care what's at stake. Daniel Jackson: Why do you care? Col. O'Neill: Because, despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... might have... uh, grown to admire you a little.... I think. Daniel Jackson: [dryly] Now that's touching. Col. O'Neill: [insistent] This will not be your last act on official record.

Maj. Carter: You have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you look at things, it changed me too. I see what really matters. I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel. I guess I hoped that you always knew.

Teal'c: If you are to die, Daniel Jackson, I wish you to know that I believe that the fight against the Goa'uld will have lost one of its greatest warriors. And I will have lost one of my greatest friends.

Jonas: No offense, I'm just more interested in what's out there, through the Stargate. Daniel Jackson: Well, all I can say is, whatever problems there are between your planet's nations, they will seem insignificant when you do find out what's going on out there.

Oma: Because it is so clear it takes a long time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, yeah, a monk at Kheb said that to me. I didn't know what it meant then and I still don't know now.