(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

I can remember the exact moment that my husband and I crossed into dangerous, potentially sugar daddy, waters.

We’d been going out for ten months, and living together for three (a classic case of moving in together because it made financial sense) and we were planning a trip to Florence.

I got it into my head that I needed a trench coat for the trip. Every single vision I had of myself on this trip hinged on my wearing a trench coat. If I had a trench coat I could wear jeans and a striped tee and ballet pumps and look like a sort of Audrey Hepburn Kate Middleton cross.



(Obviously I did not look like that, it was a trench coat not a magic coat, but that was the thought process.)


Unfortunately I couldn’t afford said trench coat because I was a part time nanny and full time student, neither of which was leaving me with tonnes of disposable income.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

So I asked my husband (then boyfriend). I stood awkwardly on one leg in the kitchen of our flat and, not looking him in the eye, told him that I really really wanted this coat, and it was from ASOS, and it wasn’t that expensive, and would he maybe possibly consider buying it.

He asked how much it was. I told him. He said yes. I got the coat.

I thought it was simple.

It wasn’t.

It was the beginning of a bit of a pattern. A little while later the Net-A-Porter sale came around. There was a lingerie set that I needed. So I asked. And of he said yes. Only this time he mentioned that he was excited to see the lingerie when it arrived.

It arrived, he wanted me to try it on. I felt a bit fat and tired, but he’d bought it for me. So I put it on and tried to be sexy, even though I didn’t feel sexy. If I’d told him that I didn’t want to put the underwear on he wouldn’t have questioned it for a second, but because he’d paid for it, I didn’t feel able to.

I realised that when you bring the idea of payment in to a relationship, you make things complicated. It was just like when I’d been away on a mini break with my previous boyfriend, he’d paid for the hotel and I’d felt like I needed to provide especially impressive, bendy sex.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

None of the men I’ve had the experience with would ever have wanted me to feel obliged or beholden. But I still did. Because we’re raised as kids understanding that you get rewards for doing what you’re instructed to do.

Unfortunately that’s a bad place to end up in a relationship.



Just because someone gives you a present, buys you something or pays more of the rent, does not mean you owe them anything.

In my case it was as simple as explaining to my partner that I was feeling the pressure, like presents or financial support came with strings attached. He was horrified. He assured me that it wasn’t the case.

These days we’re married, so we take a ‘what’s mine is yours’ stance on finances. It’s not always easier.

Being with someone who is older than you and earns three times your salary can create an imbalance in your relationship.

It’s perfectly possible to survive a power imbalance in a relationship, but, just like with everything else in life, communication is key.

Anyone you’re dating should be concerned by the idea that you’d have sex with them, or even just pretend to be happy, because they’ve shelled out for something.

For me, it was about understanding that my husband really didn’t expect anything from me in return for buying things, that for him a hundred quid on ASOS a few times a year didn’t mean much, while to me it was a huge deal.

When you don’t have much money it’s easy to lose perspective, and feel pathetically grateful, which in turn makes you feel more obliged. By keeping the amount of money in perspective, it’s easier not to end up being an accidental courtesan.

If you get the sense that presents, trips, meals in restaurants or any other nice thing has strings attached? You’re completely within your rights to bail.


No amount of money obliges you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

This article is part of Money Month, our month-long series of features, advice, and experiences about our tricky relationship with all things money.

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