NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—According to a study released Thursday by researchers at Rutgers University, the average person spends more than a quarter of his or her lifetime directly in the way of other people. “Our research revealed that throughout a normal lifespan, a person will spend a total of three years in the middle of a sidewalk hindering the movement of pedestrians, a full year blocking doorways, and more than six months holding up a dozen or more strangers while walking far too slowly down a flight of stairs,” said head researcher Dr. Kenneth Lawrence, who added that most people spend at least 3 percent of their lives standing in the center of a crowded grocery store aisle forcing their frustrated fellow patrons to squeeze by with their carts. “Whether it’s impeding foot traffic in public, the home, or at work, the amount of time spent getting in the way of others really adds up. In fact, we found that most people spend an aggregate of three weeks each year just trying to maneuver out of the way of someone walking straight toward them.” The study also determined that 65 percent of the average person’s life is spent not paying attention to where the fuck they’re going.

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