HARRY POTTER AND THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICE: BREADBOX EDITION

PROF. DUMBLEDORE

Let me put out the street lamps with

my PEZ dispenser. Ah, Prof. McGonagall…



PROF. MCGONAGALL

Wait, I’m still a cat, dang it.

MCGONAGALL

Now I will say some things that seem to

provide background without meaning anything.



AUDIENCE

That’s okay. We already know the story.

HAGRID

I’m exactly as you imagined me.



DUMBLEDORE

I’m so glad you brought Harry, Hagrid. Now,

try to stay awake while I say some meaningful things.



HAGRID AND MCGONAGALL

Yes, you must be established as wise, if rather dull.

HARRY POTTER

My life is hell.



DUDLEY DURSLEY

My name is annoying alliteration. I’m pretty annoying too.



MR. AND MRS. DURSLEY

Grr…We hate you so much it’s amazing a Child Services

representative hasn’t taken you away yet.



HARRY

But I bear up like a saint.



MR. DURSLEY

If you do anything weird, I’ll skewer you with my tiny key.

DUDLEY

God, I’m annoying.



AUDIENCE

Don’t taunt the CGI snake.



HARRY

Hey, I can talk with the CGI snake!



CGI SNAKE

Yeah, well. You won’t be so thrilled about it in a year or so.

MR. DURSLEY

I look like I’m going to sit on Harry.

AUDIENCE

Idiots. It’s easier to hide that one person is a wizard than

to hide that a bazillion owls are leaving letters at your house.

AUDIENCE

No, dork! Grab several! He can take one away easily!

HARRY

Mmm…dirt birthday cake. I wish for large,

hairy man to knock the door down.

HARRY

Ahh! Who are you?



HAGRID

You’re a wizard, Harry.



HARRY

That’s nice, but it didn’t really answer my question.



MR. DURSLEY

No, you can’t take him!



HAGRID

Too bad. C’mon, Harry.



HARRY

Um, did we skip some lines?

RANDOM WIZARDS

Ack! It’s Harry Potter!



HARRY

Um…Hi?



PROF. QUIRRELL

I am not at all suspicious.

HAGRID

Let’s visit the structurally unsound bank and get your money.



WILLOW THE BANKTELLER

Grr…I am unnecessarily unpleasant.

HAGRID

This is not at all important to the plot.

OLLIVANDER

I’m probably the second creepiest person in this movie, and

I’m in it for all of two minutes.

OLLIVANDER

Curious, curious…



HARRY

I know I’m going to regret asking, but…what’s curious?



OLLIVANDER

It’s just that…your wand made the theme

music play. I’ve only seen one other wand

do that. And it belonged to…You-Know-Who.



HARRY

Actually, I don’t yet.

HARRY

Hagrid, who killed my parents?



HAGRID

Hold on, let me cue up the unnecessary flashback.



AUDIENCE

Mere exposition cannot hold my attention!

Look, there’s a Junior Mint on the floor!



HAGRID

Here’s your ticket, Harry. We’ve compressed

time and changed the date of your birthday.

Or you start school in July, your choice.

Either way, you’re on your own.



HARRY

Okay, now I’m lost.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE

We are not in this movie nearly enough.

RON WEASLEY

Hi, I’m the first person you’ve met so, obviously, I’m

going to be your best friend.



HARRY

Wow! Bizarrely unappetizing wizard candy! And it

comes with a cheesy hologram!



CHEESY DUMBLEDORE HOLOGRAM

To think I was once an important plot element.



HERMIONE GRANGER

Hi, I’m your prerequisite female friend.



RON

You’re not supposed to be our friend yet.

Why is your hair crimped only in the back?



HERMIONE

It will all be crimped by the end of the movie.



HARRY

That’s okay. My eyes change color constantly.



RON

Wicked!

HAGRID

Harry! Glad you got here despite the fact

I abandoned you at the train station!



DRACO MALFOY

Finally, I’m in the movie. Take my

hand and you’ll become evil.



HARRY

Uh…no, thank you.



AUDIENCE

Oooh! Denied!



MCGONAGALL

All right, everyone. When I call you, in

no particular order, come up and have

the vaguely threatening Sorting Hat

decide your destiny.



AUDIENCE

What!? Why isn’t it in alphabetical order?



DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Hey, it’s either this or a twenty-minute Sorting scene. And

I wouldn’t keep the entire Snape’s Class scene, so

I’m definitely not doing that.



SORTING HAT

Ahh…let me announce the slightly damning contents

of Harry’s head to the entire school. Gryffindor!

BLOODY BARON

Ay, me maties. We’ll catch Peter Pan for sure this time.

SNAPE

All you stupid children need to know is that I’m

602 years old. And I should never be underlit.



THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO

HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK

He must be the bad guy.



REST OF AUDIENCE

Oh?



THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO

HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK

Well, it’s Alan Rickman.

SNAPE

I need to have a confrontation with Harry, but since Chris cut out

the part where Harry sasses me, I come off looking like

I hate him for no good reason.



HARRY

Actually, you never really act as if you hate me.

It’s more like vague concern.



AUDIENCE

I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper

in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.”

DRACO

My helmet-hair has made me irritating

and generally unlikable.



NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM

I’m comic relief! Can’t you tell by my life threatening

antics and painful injury?



DRACO

Ha! I laugh at your pain!



HARRY

That’s not very nice.



DRACO

Grr! I hate you for not shaking my hand!

MCGONAGALL

Well, I think we can overlook bad

behavior when athletics are on the line.



QUIRRELL

Remember, students: if you’re ever faced

with a vampire bat, an iguana will save your life.



OLIVER WOOD

I’m going to teach Harry to play Quidditch. Let

me thrash around like a moron on the ground.



FEMALE AUDIENCE OVER THE AGE OF 16

Finally, a hot guy.

HERMIONE

Hey, Harry and Ron! Let me show you a Quidditch award

Harry’s father won. So, no pressure, Harry.



DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Please note the clever “M. McGonagall”

on the award, too. And the Riddle award.



RON

Wicked!



AUDIENCE

Argh.



RON (cont.)

Hey, why do you hang around with us so much, Hermione?

HOGWARTS, 3RD FLOOR

Check out my sinister decorations. They must use this floor to

hide important items every year.



FLUFFY

WOOF!

HERMIONE

Humph! If you two do things like that,

I won’t be your friend anymore.



AUDIENCE

But you’re not their friend!

RON

Is she in earshot? Good.

I CAN’T STAND HER!

QUIRRELL

There’s a troll in the dungeon! I wonder

how it got there. I am certainly not responsible,

for I am a comic character. Watch me faint!



SNAPE

In anticipation of the attack, I’m going to

limp out of the room.



HARRY

Ron, your cruelty to Hermione has put her in imminent danger.

We have to rescue her.



RON

Oh, all right.

AUDIENCE

Argh, Lord of the Rings flashbacks!

HERMIONE

Well, look who finally got a spell right.



RON

Nothing has really changed. But I guess

we can be slightly less mean to you.

MCGONAGALL

Now, how are we going to get this troll

out of the girls’ bathroom?

HERMIONE

C’mon Harry. You have to eat before

the big CGI orgy that is Quidditch.

RON

Wow, what do you think it is?



AUDIENCE

So, he’s getting his broom ten minutes before his first match?



SNAPE

I’m creepy, in case you’ve forgotten.

HARRY

I bet he went to see that three-headed dog.



HERMIONE

Why do you think that?



HARRY

I’m not too sure. It’s probably because

his cape flies out behind him when he walks.

AUDIENCE

Wow, this is some of the best CGI I’ve ever seen.

MADAM HOOCH

Apparently, I never call fouls. By the

way, doesn’t my costume rock?



HARRY’S BROOM

You know what? Screw you, Potter.

HERMIONE

Actually, Snape is trying to kill him. Don’t

you see him talking to himself over there?

I hope Harry can survive the five minutes

it will take me to get over there.

HARRY

Watch me comically vomit up the snitch.

But, Gryffindor wins, so that’s all that matters.

HERMIONE

Remember to look for that thing Hagrid

wasn’t supposed to tell us about.



HARRY

Nicolas Flamel. I know I’ve heard it before.



AUDIENCE

You might’ve if you’d read the back of

the cheesy Dumbledore hologram on the train.



RON

Shush! I’m playing chess. It’s wicked.



AUDIENCE

Wow, it must be expensive to play

wizard’s chess. And stop saying that!

AUDIENCE

Ugh. No wonder they make it so you don’t see it.

HARRY

Hmm…the library. That ought to be nice and safe…



BOOK

LET ME OUT OF HERE! MADAM PINCE

IS A LITTLE FASCIST!

HARRY

Aw, crap.

SNAPE

Huh.

*to Quirrell*

Now, give me your lunch money.

AUDIENCE

Wow, he’s taking this rather well. I’d

be freaking out by now.



HARRY

Mum! Dad…I don’t really look like you, do I?

HARRY

Why, Dad, why?



DUMBLEDORE

Harry, it’s not that important. Really.

HAGRID

Hi, I’m not up to anything.



HERMIONE

We never said…



HAGRID

Ah, you got me! Look a baby dragon!



AUDIENCE

It’s in five seconds of the movie and it

got a toy. Cute, though.



HARRY

Hagrid told me he’s always wanted a dragon.



AUDIENCE

No, he didn’t.



DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Probably should have edited that too, huh?



DRACO

How did I know where they were? Slytherin is in

the dungeon. Did I look out a window?

MCGONAGALL

You three will be punished because you were out late. And you,

Draco, will be punished for being a jagoff.

HAGRID

We’re looking for a unicorn. You’ll know it because it’s

shiny and idealized. I’m perfectly okay with splitting up

the eleven-year-olds.

AUDIENCE

Aw, the poor thing is suffering from Legend syndrome.

HARRY

Help!

AUDIENCE

Ewwww…I think Columbus blew his

effects budget on the Quidditch scene.



REALLY BAD CGI

Boy am I unconvincing. Almost as

unconvincing as Voldemort there.



HARRY

That’s Voldemort? That cloak?

HARRY

Time to save the world for the first time.



HERMIONE

Why do I switch from “You-Know-Who”

to “Voldemort” mid-scene?

SNAPE

Just wanted to remind you…

SNAPE (cont.)

…that I’m really creepy.

HARRY

Hagrid, stop playing the theme music for a minute. Seeing as

you’re always telling us things you shouldn’t, is it

possible that you’ve spilled any important

secrets to anyone else?



HAGRID

Oh, probably.



HARRY

Want to tell us too, so we can even the

playing field a bit?



HAGRID

Sure.



NEVILLE

Everyone thinks Seamus is me! I must

prove there’s a difference!

HARRY

I feel like we should be feeding Fluffy a honey cake.



RON

Good thing this harp is still here.

Hagrid never did give Harry that flute.

RON

Oh, ew! Why is it always me?



FLUFFY

WOOF!

HERMIONE

If you relax, the Devil’s Snare will let you go.



AUDIENCE

I’m sure I’d be able to relax if a big-ass

plant was hugging me to death.

HARRY

There’s one with a broken wing.



AUDIENCE

How did he see that? They all look the same to me.

HARRY

Pfft. Like a bunch of keys is a problem.



RON

Now that we’ve got Hermione and your

specialties out of the way, let’s do mine.

AUDIENCE

Why do those giant pieces look about a hundred years old?

The board’s only been there since the beginning of

the year,plus it must’ve been cleared when Quirrell

played through.



HARRY

Wait, who did you just say played through?



AUDIENCE

Uh…never mind.

AUDIENCE

Where’s my chessboard?

RON

Oh no! I have to sacrifice myself to

the queen! I’m brilliant at chess, but

there’s no way I could have seen this

coming more than a move beforehand!

RON

Wic…ked.



AUDIENCE

Huh. That seemed slightly less violent

than the other attacks.

HARRY

Hermione, take Ron and get help.



HERMIONE

How, genius? He’s unconscious and there’s only one

broom anyway. Plus attacking keys and Fluffy.



HARRY

I’m going to take on Snape.

HARRY

Quirrell! But you were so not

suspicious!



QUIRRELL

I know. Ain’t I a stinker? Now come here and find the stone.

I’m evil, so I can’t.

HARRY

Think fast, Harry…I don’t see it.



QUIRRELL

Drat, foiled again.



VOLDEMORT

Quirrell, you idiot, let me out. I can’t breathe in here.

VOLDEMORT

Ah…Harry Potter. I was hoping you…

Quirrell, could you turn around so I could

actually look at the boy, please?

VOLDEMORT

So, Harry. Why not try evil?



HARRY

As I’ve already made clear…NO.



VOLDEMORT

Well, that didn’t work. Quirrell, kill him.

QUIRRELL

What’s going on?! Though, I don’t know why I’m so surprised

as I went out of my way in Diagon Alley not to

shake Harry’s hand!



AUDIENCE

So, just his hands have this power?

VOLDEMORT

I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little unnamed owl too!

HARRY

Wow, I’ve never been here before.



AUDIENCE

Don’t worry, you’ll see plenty of it.



DUMBLEDORE

Hi, Harry. Glad you’re awake. Quirrell’s dead, Voldemort’s weak

and the stone’s destroyed. Happy endings all around.

DUMBLEDORE

And Slytherin wins the House Cup.



SLYTHERIN HOUSE

Whoo-hoo!



SNAPE

Must…concentrate…on…clapping.



DUMBLEDORE

Buuuuut…I’m going to give just enough points

to Hermione, Ron, Harry and, believe it or not,

Neville, to make Gryffindor beat Slytherin.



GRYFFINDOR HOUSE

WHOO-HOO!



HARRY

See everyone next year! I’m sure things will

be much calmer by then.



AUDIENCE

Suuuuure.

I'm not even going to bother with an introduction, since no one is going to read it. (Author's Note:in no way, shape or form belongs to me. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing and all associates and Warner Bros. films. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)FADE IN:EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PASTDUMBLEDORE shows up on the streets of a neighborhood where they rope off their lawns, as if that’s going to keep people off.POOF! She’s human. The SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM rejoices at their cleverness.HAGRID flies out of the sky on SIRIUS BLACK’S MOTORCYCLE, but no one mentions that.EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PRESENTThe neighborhood is EXACTLY THE SAME.INT. THE ZOOHARRY accidentally does something that leaves DUDLEY in a HUMOROUS, if SOMEWHAT CRUEL, situation.EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – SOME TIME LATERHARRY gets a LETTER. THE DURSLEYS panic and steal it.Eventually, HUNDREDS OF LETTERS fly around and smack into people. Miraculously, no one gets a PAPER CUT. HARRY tries to run off with a letter.MR. DURSLEY loses it and takes EVERYONE to a CGI HOUSE on a CGI ROCK in the middle of a CGI SEA.INT. CGI HOUSE ON A CGI ROCK IN A CGI SEAHAGRID knocks the door down.EXT. DIAGON ALLEYHAGRID opens the door to DIAGON ALLEY. AUDIENCE watches very closely so they can find the DELETED SCENES later.HARRY discovers he owns a large pile of CHOCOLATE PIRATE COINS. HAGRID picks up a package.HARRY goes to get his WAND.HARRY blows stuff up with various WANDS until he finds a WAND that doesn’t blow stuff up.HAGRID buys HARRY HEDWIG THE OWL, who doesn’t get her poor name said in the actual movie.Thankfully for the movie, HARRY runs into the WEASLEYS, who help him find his train.INT. THE TRAINAUDIENCE flinches.EXT. HOGWARTSGHOSTS show up.PROF. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Which he hasn’t.INT. A RATHER WELL-LIT DUNGEONSNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.EXT. HOGWART’S GROUNDSDRACO throws a BALL at HARRY, who catches it just outside of MCGONAGALL’S OFFICE, which is really bad timing, as she never appears to use that office EVER AGAIN.EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDSAUDIENCE notices that HOGWARTS appears to have a high TEACHER TO STUDENT RATIO.A STAIRCASE is bribed by DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS to deposit HARRY AND CO. some place they’re not supposed to be.HARRY ET AL. run from the THREE-HEADED DOG. Wouldn’t you?INT. WILLOW THE PROFESSOR’S CLASSSEAMUS blows something up and makes half the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE.HERMIONE shows off.HERMIONE gets UPSET.INT. HALLOWEENA TROLL menaces HERMIONE.HARRY and RON dispose of the TROLL in classic SLAPSTICK fashion.MCGONAGALL gives HARRY and RON FIVE FREAKIN’ POINTS each for knocking out the TROLL. FIVE!SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.INT. BREAKFASTSEAMUS blows something else up and makes the other half of the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE.HEDWIG drops an OBVIOUSLY BROOMSTICK SHAPED package in front of HARRY.SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Then, he LIMPS off.EXT. QUIDDITCHGEORGE LUCAS feels threatened and makes a movie entirely out of CGI. Perhaps you’ve seen it.HARRY, OLIVER, FRED AND/OR GEORGE and several UNNAMED FEMALE CHARACTERS WHOSE NAMES I KNOW ANYWAY throw balls around with the SLYTHERIN TEAM, which has the UGLIEST PEOPLE on the planet. People get beat up pretty bad.HARRY’S BROOM tries to kill him.HERMIONE sets her teacher on fire and NO ONE NOTICES.HARRY is SAVED just in time to put himself in the MOST PRECARIOUS PLACE POSSIBLE to catch the snitch.INT. A CHRISTMASY HOGWARTSHARRY gets an UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK.HARRY decides to sneak around at night with his UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK.HARRY has to RUNS from FILCH…right into QUIRRELL and SNAPE.SNAPE barely reaches out and conveniently misses HARRY.HARRY runs into a room with a MIRROR that shows him HIS DEAD PARENTS.HARRY becomes OBSESSED because he doesn’t much resemble his dad.HARRY moves on with his life.EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSEWHAM! MCGONAGALL busts EVERYONE.EXT. FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTHHARRY AND DRACO find the UNICORN, which looks like a BIG, DUMB HORSE WITH A HORN TAPED TO ITS HEAD.Oh, and they find a SCARY BLACK THING. That moves kind of STUPIDLY toward HARRY.Some REALLY BAD CGI saves HARRY.INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOMEXT. HOGWARTSSNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSENEVILLE fails to accomplish ANYTHING.INT. GETTING TO THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICEHARP stops. SOMETHING DISGUSTING lands on RON.HARRY AND CO. jump into a TRAP DOOR and land on the VENUS FLYTRAP FROM HELL.HERMIONE makes the SUN come out of her WAND to save RON, who just can’t relax, for some reason.HARRY AND HIS HAPPY BUDDIES find a room full of flying keys.HARRY hops on a BROOM to catch BROKEN KEY. Suddenly, DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS starts to channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK and the KEYS start attacking HARRY.CUE GIANT CHESSBOARDRON plays them across the BOARD. AUDIENCE tries to follow along, but gets confused by that FREAKIN’ LETTER-NUMBER SYSTEM CHESS USES.CHESS PIECES blow up.QUEEN lays the smackdown on RON…’S HORSE.HARRY checks the USELESS KING.HARRY goes to the room with the MIRROR THAT SHOWED HIM HIS DEAD PARENTS. In front of it is…HARRY’S REFLECTION sticks a STONE that could stand to be put in a ROCK TUMBLER in HARRY'S POCKET.QUIRRELL takes off his TURBAN to reveal VOLDEMORT on the back of his head. It’s REALLY FREAKY.HARRY’S PARENTS appear in the MIRROR. They look like they’re going to a FUNERAL.QUIRRELL tries to grab HARRY, but his hands turn to STONE.HARRY turns QUIRRELL to STONE, but forgets that just because you’ve killed a wizard, doesn’t mean you’ve killed a wizard.HARRY passes out from the PURE FORCE OF EVIL that passes through him.INT. HOSPITAL WINGDUMBLEDORE’S belated attempt at humor falls FLAT.INT. GREAT HALLSNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.Couple of extra notes now:1) So what was that look Snape gave Harry in the hallway? It was either a "Ah! Where did you come from?" or "Did I leave a bundt cake in the oven?"2) Big, big, big, huge, gigantic thanks to Marty. She went to see this with me when it first came out, watched it on video with me when I decided to write this, and gave really great suggestions for jokes. Thanks, Marty!3) Okay, I really want to explain one of the lines in this BBE, because a lot of people remark on it, and I want my position clear. Here's the line:Now, here's Snape's line (from the book) that this refers to:A lot of people claim that "stopper death" means "stop death" or "put a stop to death." I argue, no. A stopper is a piece of cork or rubber put in the mouth of a flask or phial to close it. Something a Potions Master would need fairly frequently. And since the previous two things Snape lists are potions related metaphors, "bottle" and "brew", I'm going to assume Snape mean "stopper" in the cork closer way. I think part of the confusion is that "stopper" is usually a noun, not a verb. But, I still argue that death is not difficult to create and put in a bottle closed with a stopper. Poison, Snape! It's poison!Sorry, I just really needed to say my piece.