SANTA FE, NM—Growing more impatient with each passing minute of his wife’s labor, expectant father Todd Greenwood was forced to wait to have sex with Judith Greenwood, his spouse and incipient mother of his child, Tuesday until she had finished giving birth. “I think I’ve been pretty accommodating through this whole process, but I have to say it’s a hardship, this whole temporary-involuntary-celibacy-because-my-wife’s-birth-canal-is-occupied-by-an-infant thing,” said Greenwood, who admitted that it almost felt like his wife was teasing him by already having her pants off and her legs spread open on the hospital bed. “Look, I totally understand that she may not feel the most attractive right now because she’s struggling to push out the baby, but I have needs, too. I’ve already patiently waited for three hours. At least she could try to be there for me. After all, I’m still willing to have sex with her even though she gained all that pregnancy weight.” At press time, Greenwood was masturbating in a hospital supply closet for the fourth time of his wife’s labor.

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