Cosmic Calendar

(Heavily Edited

Biblical Edition)

[Corrections and additions are emboldened.]

If one were to visualize the universe and its history compacted into a single calendar year, then The Big Bang at the Divine Hand of our Lord would take place on January 1, with the present day occurring on the last second of December 31.

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January 1

The Word. And the Word was God. And the Word was so immense that its mere utterance produced a glorious cacophony of sound and fury, which evolutionists would later refer to as The Big Bang.

January 2-7

God creates the heavens and Earth. Day and night. Plus plants, water, fish, birds, land animals and rest, respectively.

March 16

Milky Way Galaxy is born, baptized and introduced to the pre-existing Earth, moon and stars.

September 2

Sun forms and makes every effort to scorch Eden’s Serpent, but only succeeds in hastening the molting process.

September 6

Oldest rock documented on Earth wielded by Cain to strike down his brother Abel.

September 21

First life on Earth (prokaryotes) board Noah’s ark and reproduce as woman and man. Because asexual binary fission is morally wrong and not part of God’s Plan.

October 12

Photosynthesis and the Suffering of Job. God demands Job learn the ways of His photosynthesis miracle and teach it to His people. After multiple failed attempts to comprehend what exactly photosynthesis is, Job begs God revert to murdering his loved ones.

October 29

Oxygenation of atmosphere. Moses, Israelites, et. al exhale in unison.

November 9

First complex cells (eukaryotes) act as Holy Micro-Accessories in the slaughter of thousands of young children whose doorways are not slathered in lamb’s blood.

December 5

First multicellular life are taught to remember the Sabbath.

December 25

Jesus rides the dinosaurs.

December 30

Extinction event. All non-avian dinosaurs die out. Jesus decrees that all the dead dinosaurs will have a place within His kingdom. And lo, that place will be separate from the humans and the domesticated animals, because to intermingle would be super dangerous.

December 31, 10:24 pm

First primitive humans and stone tools. Paul writes to the Timothy to warn him of “knuckle-dragging transgressors.”

December 31, 11:44 pm

Domestication of fire. Hot sinning.

December 31, 11:58 pm

Sculpture and painting. Technicolor sinning.

December 31, 11:59:32 pm

Agriculture. Sinning on beds of lettuce.

December 31, 11:59:47 pm

First written language not worthy of the Gospel.

December 31, 11:59:55 pm

“Roman Empire and Christ.”

December 31, 11:59:58 pm

Columbus. The New World. Missionaries bestow The Word of God on the savages. Widespread disease and ethnic cleansing of indigenous peoples who refused The Holy Spirit and probably deserved it.

December 31, 11:59:59 pm

Carl Sagan posits that if the universe and its history are visualized as a single calendar year, the present day occurs on December 31, a second before midnight — then frantically hands out pocket bibles because he knows the end is nigh.

December 32, 12 am

The Rapture. A New Day is created to celebrate His Second Coming.

December 32-Eternity

The Risen host an endless party in heaven. Nothing “evolves” because everyone is already happy and has everything they want for ever and ever. Amen.