Question: How come something that has happened over 100 billion times is still considered a miracle? Moreover, why is something that every species in the history of history has done considered special in any way whatsoever? Why is a process we are literally built for considered any more extraordinary than successfully expelling partially digested cheeseburger after a long night of drinking? Doesn't a miracle denote something, you know…miraculous?



Nothing to see here, move along.Points in Case: I was created with hands, fingers, and muscles to move those hands and fingers. So is it a miracle if I pick up a fork? Holy shit—I'm doing something I was physically equipped for! It's a fucking miracle!

N

o.

If a can opener opens a can, it is not a miracle. It was made for that exact purpose. If a can opener brings about the downfall of communism…miracle. A can opener was not meant to bring about the downfall of communism. As far as I know, a can opener has never done anything more than open cans and occasionally slice fingers, so the downfall of communism would definitely amount to what the dictionary defines as a miracle: “An extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural power.”

I would follow that can opener straight into the afterlife.

Think about this: How many things in this world happen more than childbirth? Blinking. Breathing. Radio stations playing “Live Your Life.” My short list ends about there. Childbirth is one of the blandest proceedings on the planet. If you call something that happens once every sixty seconds a miracle, then here are some more events that belong in the “miracle” category that happen far less often:

Me turning on a lamp.

Me making a tuna melt.

Me picking out my pocket lint.

Me kicking you in the face.

Me rearranging my sack.

Me re-rearranging my sack.

Me saying “fuck it” and diving my hand into my boxer-briefs to rearrange my sack.

Hell, we might as well call me the Miracle Child.

So please, next time someone excitedly tells you they had a kid, excitedly tell them they have successfully completed a task so miraculous that only several million other species—one of them the domestic turkey—have managed to accomplish it.

I just created a Word document with software that was designed to create Word documents. Court uploaded the file using software meant to upload files. You saw the article with eyes that are meant to see things.

Holy fucking shit—it's a miracle.