opinion

Outbreak of streetcar syndrome has cure

Don Mooney is a Cincinnati labor attorney. Twitter: @DonMooneyJr

Is it all that springtime pollen? Or a reaction to the bright colors of tulips blossoming in Lytle Park? Maybe it’s just a way to change the subject from an outbreak of gun violence in our town’s outlying neighborhoods, despite the extra cops on the city payroll?

Whatever the cause, this spring has seen a virulent outbreak of SDS – Streetcar Derangement Syndrome. It rivals the unexpected but devastating scourge of FDS (Flouride Derangement Syndrome) last seen here in the late 1960s, or the ongoing pandemic of TDS (Toll Derangement Syndrome), which fortunately has been restricted to communities south of the Ohio River .

How can you tell if a loved one, neighbor or elected official has fallen victim of SDS? Here are some common symptoms:

•They used the upcoming streetcar, and all the residential and commercial development it has triggered, to lure General Electric to the Banks, rather than Mason. But now they want to limit streetcar operation to once every 3 hours. On even-numbered days.

•They live in Harrison and commute in their SUV to Lawrenceburg, but spend all of their off-duty time sending angry letters to The Enquirer railing about City Council wasting “our” tax dollars on the streetcar.

•They appear on WLW radio so frequently that they have a reserved parking spot and a monogrammed coffee mug at the ready during Willie’s show.

•They believe God rested on the 7th Day only after creating the diesel engine and Metro bus. Who can improve on that?

•It’s only May, but they already have the COAST Christmas Party blocked out on their calendar.

•On Facebook they threaten fire (with or without brimstone) for the whole sorry lot of council members responsible for the streetcar.

•They are convinced that if public transportation is anything more than a slow, smelly and haphazardly scheduled bus, then there would be no “moral hazard” in not working hard enough to buy your own car, like real Americans do.

•They believe it would be a crime against humanity to move the beer tents or funnel cake vendors even one foot during Oktoberfest so that the streetcar can still run down Walnut Street.

•They break out in hives at the odor of craft beer, deep-fried kale and designer tacos.

•They would be happy for all those uppity college-educated millennials to move to Portland or Denver and leave us alone.

•They can’t wait until the streetcar is finally canceled so they can turn their sights on those awful people who ride bicycles on the street, rather than on the sidewalk where they belong.

But don’t worry. SDS is not fatal. There are ways to treat these symptoms. One folk remedy involves that six pack of Hudy Delight that’s been stuck in the back of your fridge since 1974. Use it to wash down a head cheese and goetta sandwich while reading the collected works of Frank Weikel. By morning the fever will break.

Or you could move to Brown County and run for county auditor.