Part 1

I had a lovely dinner with my wife last night at a restaurant called “Gulfstream”. I ordered the roasted chicken. She ordered the salmon. Which meant I ate the salmon and she ate my chicken. I wanted that chicken.

Anyway, both dishes came with a side of sautéed spinach. It was delicious. But both my wife and I caught a serious case of spinach teeth. No, not that there was spinach caught in our teeth, an embarrassing and unfortunate condition often paired with Gohomealonus, but rather we had a chalky or fuzzy sensation on our teeth. It lasts for a few hours, or until a vigorous a-brushin’ and a-spittin’.

After dinner, I was curious as to the cause of spinach teeth so I queried the almighty Google. Here’s what he said:

“(Spinach teeth)” is caused by the high quantities of oxalic acid found in spinach. The oxalate crystals leak out as you chew, and even more, when you cook spinach and these crystals coat the teeth. Drinking milk with spinach can exacerbate the chalky sensation. Rhubarb, beets, kale and chocolate are high in oxalic acid as well.”

Thanks Google, you are such a good dad! The wiki goes on to suggest that the Oxalic acid is a defense mechanism to discourage animals from eating the plant. Because nothing dissuades a hungry bear like the discomfort of chalky teeth.

But I think man is superior to bear, and to prove it, I’ve decided to show Oxalic Acid that I can handle whatever it can throw at me. Which apparently is a combination of cooked spinach, rhubarb, beets, kale, and chocolate washed down with a glass of milk.

Part 2

Just got back from the grocery store. I checked out a girl with a pretty face in the parking lot. Then I noticed she had unusually thick thighs. Then “she” walked into a wig store. Yikes. On with the experiment. Let’s meet the players!

GREEN KALE

Better Known As: Spinach’s giant, hairy cousin

RHUBARB

Most Famous For: the tang in strawberry-rhubarb pie

Often Confused With: demon celery

A RED BEET

Inspiration for the song: “We got the beet!”

Greatest Prank Ever Pulled: Bloody urine freakout

CHOCOLATE

Last seen: Cheating on Mint with Peanut Butter. Rightfully so.

MILK

Working Title: Nipple Water

SPINACH

Made famous by: Popeye, E. Coli

The Plan

Roast the beet, saute all the vegetables together with some garlic and butter, and then melt in some of the chocolate. Chew it thoroughly for 30 seconds to extract maximum chalkyness. Swallow. Take a large sip of milk. Observe Results.

PART 3: The Eatening

Okay. It’s all chopped up and ready to go.

I melted some butter and threw it all a pan. It actually looks like it might taste half-decent.

It’s all cooked and combined. Now to make sure I get a spoon with a bit of everything. Here’s goes.

It’s in my mouth. Start the clock. Initial reaction: this tastes fucking terrible. It’s bitter, it’s tart, it’s fibrous. The chocolate in no way goes with anything else. The garlic was a terrible idea. The beet tastes like sadness. I’m chewing. Fighting gag reflex. But…

The chalkyness is growing. Fast. Quickly becoming unbearable. I am totally chalking out. At 30 seconds, I force myself to swallow and reach for the milk.

The taste of the milk is actually welcome. It washes away the horror of what I just swallowed. But it definitely intensifies the chalkyness on my teeth. We’re at chalk mach 6. Now I have a terrible case of dry mouth like I open-mouth kissed the business end of a Dyson vacuum that indeed has not lost suction. It’s overwhelming. Fuck you, Oxalic Acid. My stomach hurts and my teeth feel like a caterpillar.

After a few minutes, I take a picture of my chalky teeth. The results are shocking. Almost like the Oxalic Acid is trying to tell me something…

*UPDATE: THE FOLLOWING MORNING*

I guess that meal was even chalkier than I thought. Whoa…

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