Since castigating a graduate student as “a slut” for her views on birth control, radio host Rush Limbaugh has apologized in a statement on his Web site and had his remarks briefly chewed over by President Obama in a televised press conference. In a bid to stanch the fleeing of advertisers from his show, Limbaugh has pre-written the following speech, which he will deliver on his radio show today. We obtained an early transcript, and share it exclusively with you.

On this show last week, you heard me talk about Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke. In the contentious debate over reproductive rights, I may have gone too far: I called her a slut, a prostitute, a whore. And, in the privacy of my own offices, I may have insinuated that I didn’t like her haircut, and that I found her outfit to be more than a little unbecoming. She was appearing in front of Congress, and certainly could have at least Callista Gingrich-ed it up a little—lacquered her hair, spackled on some lips, worn a tasteful necklace, but nothing too expensive. After all, she is in law school, and has to defray the costs of all that progestero—err, tuition.

Listeners, you know that over the years, I’ve distinguished myself as a no-nonsense plain-talker. I don’t allow phony stuff like race, creed, sex, or religion to get in the way of any racist, xenophobic, sexist, anti-Parkinsonian observations about political figures, celebrities, First Daughters, even certain individuals who like to call themselves “the president.”

But I saw the error of my ways, and not just because more than 20 advertisers have abandoned my show like so many rats (by which I mean Democrat congressmen) fleeing from a sinking fiscal-accountability subcommittee hearing. On Saturday night (when we all know everybody’s paying attention to the news), right smack-dab on that most important news medium of all (my Web site), I issued an apology, one that went so far as to not even apologize, but rather to say that my personal attack on Ms. Fluke should in no way be construed as a personal attack. Next, in a swift series of generalizations that would keep a high-school debate team busy for days with a Latin-English dictionary, I laid out my arguments against this preposterous failure of a liberal line of thought—doing so in a way that would fully negate any upcoming expressions of remorse. Then, listeners, I apologized.

Sure enough, some “people” have said that my apology didn’t go far enough. I like to put these “people” in quotes because I can’t put them in prison.Yet.

The point I’m trying to make here is that it’s not our business what goes on in the bedroom. And by the bedroom, I mean my bedroom. And perhaps Newt Gingrich’s bedroom. Trust me, the country does not want to know what goes on in these two bedrooms. Everyone else’s bedroom is fair game. Especially Ms. Fluke’s.

In fact, I have to admit that, even while off the air, I like to speculate about exactly what goes on in Ms. Fluke’s bedroom. Not just the acts that I’ve so graphically rendered on my radio show. It’s the smaller things. The perfume she’s wearing, the term papers spilled across the bed, the music that’s playing ever so softly in the background, the salty sweet taste of her lips against—

And then, the phone rings, interrupting this speculative fantasy. It’s “President” Obama, offering his support to Ms. Fluke in her hour of need, during a time when our country is in a crisis, when he should be doing what all presidents should be doing, namely, listening to my radio show. He’s ruining everything, America! Everything!