Most of you don’t care or won’t read this because it’s too long especially for someone like me to write. But still, I can’t stress this enough:

What I’m about to write is of utmost importance. If I had to describe how crucial this is, I’d put it right in-between how huge of a decision electing our next president it is and how important it is that we live in a world with tacos.

This isn’t a matter of taste or opinion, this is black and white, right or wrong. Like math. Because if you’ve ever seen The Office (if you haven’t, you’re at least 27% less cool than those of us who have), you should know exactly how this list will go. Back in December I tweeted an abbreviated seven person list, but this one will include fun stuff like reasoning and explanations and examples of why I’m correct and why these rankings could be cited in an encyclopedia. If you disagree with me, that’s fine I guess, but I highly encourage you to change your opinion to mine so that you aren’t wrong anymore.

How the rankings work: I took the list of every person who has ever made an appearance on the show, and wrote them down in order of the number of appearances they made. I then crossed out people who either don’t matter or who suck so bad that they don’t deserve to be mentioned (ironically enough, some people made the list based solely on how bad they are. I know that makes no sense, but I think you get the idea). This left me with 31 people. Once a character was put in a spot, I left him/her. There was no changing or second guessing. Makes it much more authentic.

31. Martin Nash – Martin Nash is so underrated. First of all, he’s played by a dude named Wayne Wilderson which is a top 23 name of all time. Second, he went to prison for insider trading which I’m all in on. Insider training is a sick crime because it’s white collar and it’s like a finesse crime, there’s no violence involved. You look like this prestigious upstanding businessman but you’re low-key sketchy making bank on the side. Third, Martin Nash is the father of Prison Mike. Without Martin Nash, there’s no Prison Mike. That alone puts him on the list.

30. Holly – Hot take: I’m with Erin on not feeling the Holly hype. She doesn’t see what the big deal is, I don’t either. Yeah, I get that she’s weird as hell like Michael and she’s his soulmate and all that, but she just doesn’t do it for me. On top of that, she makes Michael move to Colorado because her parents are senile, and losing Michael was one of the most devastating and traumatically awful moments of my life*.

*Next to sixth grade pee wee football all-star practice when it was 12 degrees out

29. Helene – Helene is sneaky good. She gave birth to one of the most desirable women to ever walk the earth, and she’s super old but still super hot. She also not only dates Michael but she gets dumped on her birthday, so you have to feel for her.

28. Charles Miner – Charles Miner is a badass. 73% of the reason he’s so badass is literally just because it’s Idris Elba and Idris Elba is a top-tier badass. If I see him out I’m not messing with him because of No Good Deed and I have mass respect for him pulling Beyonce and Ali Larter in Obsessed. Plus, he walks into Dunder Mifflin and immediately becomes the lead dog who takes nothing from nobody. Power moves only.

27. Nellie – I actually don’t like Nellie at all. She’s weird and old and adds nothing to the show. One of the most awkward show moments is when Pam tries to teach her how to drive. How can you be like 56 and not know how to drive a car? I don’t care about her sad past, she still sucks. But, in the interest of power moves, she makes the list. She literally walks into the office and decides she’s the new manager. She just takes Andy’s job. That’s so fire.

26. Todd Packer – Todd Packer really isn’t funny. His jokes are crude and bad and I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed at anything he does or says. But he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him, and that’s always something we can appreciate. Also, the laxative cupcakes were so mean and so petty and there’s nothing I love more than sheer pettiness.

25. Phyllis – Phyllis is a garbage character. Best thing she ever did was be the grandma for Ryan’s mom’s pesto. Phyllis smells bad (according to my dawg Stanley), she talks about her sex life with Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration WAY too often, her voice is too soft and high, and she tricks innocent Erin into thinking she may be her mom. Get out.

24. David Wallace – David Wallace is in my opinion a top five blandest television character. There’s nothing wrong with him or anything, but he doesn’t do anything to stand out either. He has that weird unemployment stage where he lays around all day and invents “Suck-It!”, which honestly is him at his best (I have a strong sense of brotherhood with dudes who spend days repeatedly doing nothing). Overall though, David provides consistent normalcy for six seasons and in a show of weirdos we need to recognize that.

23. Robert California – Robert California is incredible. The dude is either insane or a genius (Jim mentions this in “Search Committee”) and he too persuades someone to give him their job! That is unreal! The man is hired as manager after intimidating the Dunder Mifflinites and then immediately peels out of the parking lot, scoots to Tallahassee, and takes Jo Bennett’s job from her. He manipulates everyone for the entirety of his stint as CEO and then convinces David to give him one million dollars to “tutor high school gymnasts” on his way out the door. He’s literally smarter than Will Hunting and Tony Stark and Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory combined.

22. Jan Levinson – If Robert might be insane, Jan definitely is. Between her relationship with Michael that resembled a person who owns a dog (she made the poor guy sleep at the foot of the bed!), her candle “business”, her plastic surgery, naming her child Asturd (lol), and generally being a very bad person, she comes in at 22. As bad as she was, she still leads a successful professional life (corporate job at Dunder Mifflin to her job at the Scranton White Pages) and seems to end up okay. Just based on her relevancy in seasons one through four, she had to be included.

21. Toby – Poor Toby. I’ve never seen any single man deal with as much constant ridicule for no apparent reason than him. He gets a ton of tough breaks too. He gets divorced, he’s in love with Pam who he has no shot with, he breaks his body in Costa Rica, he works in the annex by himself (Kelly doesn’t count), and the best thing to happen to him is being selected as a juror for the Scranton Strangler case. He can’t even pull Nellie, who as we said, sucks. He’s here based completely off of sympathy.

20. Kelly – Not a Kelly guy. She has her moments, but for the most part she’s just annoying and stupid. Ryan cheats on her repeatedly, she knows this, and she still goes back every time. She should’ve married Ravi, that Indian dude who plays every Indian dude on every TV show ever, and lived off his money. Instead she runs off into the sunset with Ryan in the finale. I will give her credit for her commitment to one man.

19. Darryl – I have weird vibes when it comes to Darryl. He’s the token black guy that you wanna like, you wanna think he’s funny, you wanna get behind his rags (warehouse) to riches (office) story, and you even wanna love him when he gets to work at Athlead with Big Tuna. But I can’t get there. I don’t know why man. However, when he said he missed when texting was between only him and a lady, and he would simply send “BTB, bring that booty” is an all timer.

18. Angela – Angela falls in love with the weirdest human being to ever live, she cheats on her fiancé with him, she marries a gay guy, lies a lot, is always uptight, and has no friends. But all this makes her weirdly attractive in a weird embarrassing way. I don’t know. Next.

17. PRISON MIKE – PRISON MIKE IS DOPE. HE WAS IN JAIL FOR THEFT, ROBBERY, AND KIDNAPPING THE PRESIDENT’S SON AND HOLDING HIM FOR RANSOM. S/O SCARED STRAIGHT THE MOVIE WE OWE YOU AND MARTIN NASH FOR THIS ONE!!!!!!!





16. Karen – Based on looks alone, Karen is top 16. She’s super petty when Jim, Michael, and Dwight go to Utica to steal the industrial copier which as I mentioned before I love, (Pettiness Gang forever. It’s like Rich Gang but not really) but she keeps the love of a lifetime, Jim and Pam apart. She can’t be higher than 16 because of that, it’s not possible.

15. Oscar – We all like Oscar. He’s a generally good guy, he’s smart, and has some good moments. Unfortunately, his characters’ biggest accomplishment has nothing to do with him at all, because he’s best used as the butt of countless gay jokes. But I enjoy the gay jokes. Thank you, Oscar.

14. Roy – Roy is your stereotypical male. He has a cute, wife material girl, but he’s clearly afraid of commitment so he keeps their engagement going for 33 years. He does a man’s work in the warehouse, can hoop a little bit, and is generally a cool guy to other guys while still being intimidating. He gets dumped, realizes what he’s lost, grows out his beard, cops a DUI, gets fired for trying to assault Jim, then starts his own business and marries a new girl and sings and plays piano for her at their wedding (that he invites Pam to. POWER MOVE). Good job Roy, you turned out just fine.

13. Andy – Andy never stops bragging about his Cornell degree and his acapella singing chops (where he’s slightly above average at best) and has anger issues. He does keep things interesting tough. He sucks at selling paper but keeps his job, ends up dating Erin which isn’t a bad snag, and has a solid wardrobe. He also disappears for three months without his boss realizing it which is lit and he drops the most memorable and in-your-feels-line from the show. (“I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually leave them”). The Office was better with Andy Bernard in it.

12. DATE MIKE!!!! – Date Mike is fire. He’s a manifestation/exaggeration/satire of what men want to be/think they are on a date, which is cool and impressive and a little douchey. Michael was (accidentally) doing well on a date with Jim and Pam’s friend, but as soon as he realizes he’s being set up, he goes in the telephone booth, rips his collar out of his blazer, puts on his Kangol and transforms into Date Mike. The Mike Scott/Date Mike secret identity has gotta be number one on the list of secret identities. Who beats him? Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker? The kid from Kick-Ass? Ross Geller when he tries to wear leather pants? Please. Date Mike is the GOAT. If Date Mike had his own TV show, he’s immediately the greatest cinematic achievement to ever appear on screen.

11. Meredith – I’m a huge Meredith guy. She gets hit by Michael’s car, sets her hair on fire, contracts rabies and repeatedly shows parts of her body no one would ever want to see. I appreciate what she does with her mostly minimal role, and she’s one of the people that makes The Office feel so authentic. You’re always gonna have a drunk inappropriate sex freak at work, right?

The Top 10

10. Gabe Lewis – Gabe Lewis is legitimately, unequivocally, certifiably and undoubtedly the most pathetic human being to ever walk the grounds of the Earth. Erin compares being with him to a skeleton laying on top of her (which we see what she means when he skinny dips with RC and Ryan). He ruins the caption contest because he’s no fun. He’s a glorified babysitter for Sabre with no real authority. His voice is nasally and womanlike. His middle name is Susan. And he gets dumped at The Dundies!!! He’s so trash and such a joke that everything he does is freaking hilarious. Gabe is worse than dropping something tiny in-between your car seats, a poorly wrapped burrito, and wheelchair Nathan Scott combined. He’s so bad and useless that it would be criminal to leave him out of the top 10. S/O to you Gabe, you suck.

9. Ryan Howard – Has a steady girl that he keeps wrapped around his finger while he messes with plenty of others. Pretty enough that Michael is for sure in love with him. Stuck with a temp job at a crap company. Meteoric rise to the top of said company. Frauds the company and gets arrested. Hits rock bottom and works at a bowling alley. Creates his own company with an idea that spawned from how often he ignores his girl. Tricks everyone into investing in it. His office is a closet. Then he runs off with Kelly because he’s jealous of her Doctor BF, even though he knows he won’t keep her in the end. I just described to you the American Dream. Ryan Howard is an American hero.

8. Erin – Erin is lovable and gullible, not super hot but definitely pretty enough. She’s kinda dumb but in a cute and charming way, and I was like a proud father when she met Pete. That guy is great for her. I hope I get an invite to the wedding.

7. Stanley – Outside of the cheating on his wife (Stanley is the definition of a playa) Stanley is me. He’s grumpy, doesn’t care about anything but soft pretzels and leaving work, and has a genuine disdain for everyone around him. He gets sassy when he’s mad and has an incredible lack of awareness of everything going on around him. Also, when he does the 25 pushups to leave work early, it’s legit the most inspiring moment in my 21 years of living.

Most inspiring events in world history in order: Any Given Sunday locker room speech, the succeed as bad as you wanna breathe guy, MLK Jr. in D.C., Paralympic athletes, anything Coach Eric Taylor has ever said, Stanley’s 25 pushups.

6. Kevin – I’ve never related to anything more in my life than when my dude Kevin said “Sometimes, when I eat tacos, I get too excited and crush them.” I feel that on a spiritual level, Kev. Kevin is so stupid it’s insane but he’s still hilarious. I hope someday me and him can grab like five large pizzas and sit down and just talk about how much we love homemade chili.

*** The character arcs of these last five have so much depth that I could write about them as long as a Kenyan marathon runner can run. But I’ll spare you and keep it brief.***

5. Pam – Pamela Beesely is the ultimate wife. She kinda sucks a little in the last few seasons when she hates Jim for following his dreams in Philly, but what woman doesn’t suck at least a little bit sometimes? She’s definitely a mom type before she even becomes a mom, and mom types are in. Her development over nine seasons is phenomenal, and I’ll forever be looking for my Pam until I find her because of Jenna Fischer.

4. Dwight – Along with two or three of my friends, Dwight is one of the weirdest humans ever. From the beet farming to his obsession with stick-up-her-ass-Angela, to his passion for midlevel paper sales, Dwight is almost too weird to be true. But he is true, and we should all thank God he is.

3. Jim – The man we all aspire to be, with the love everyone aspires to have. He’s cool, charming, handsome and funny. Mature but still immature, professional but not too professional. If you end up like Jim or with a Jim, you’ve done a damn good job. We all already know how great he is, so here are some of my favorite quotes of his:

“I believe the best way to impress your boss is to do mediocre work, halfheartedly.”

“You look cute today, Dwight.”

“Bears, Beets, Battlestar Gallactica.”

“I had to do the hardest thing I’v ever done, and that was to wait. But I think I knew, even then I was waiting for my wife.” (Tears)

“Plan C was the boat, Plan B was the church, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago.” (More tears)

2. CREED FREAKING BRATTON – If it weren’t for the obviousness of number one, Creed would’ve had this on LOCK. Creed appears in 180 of 188 episodes, and says like 300 words total in eight years. But every single word he says and thing he does is hilarious. Eating Chinese while everyone pukes. Throwing his keys at a nonexistent valet and telling them to “keep it running”. Has “one year” where he doesn’t do his job, and of course an inappropriate watermark appears. He plays hooky and gets caught when he gets on the bus with everyone. He sells fake IDs to minors. He may be a murderer? We don’t know. But he’s one of the funniest characters to ever grace a television screen. Oh, and he does one weird thing. He like’s to go number two in the women’s bathroom. He’s been caught many times, and he’s paid dearly.

1. Michael Scott – At number one is one of the greatest television characters that we’ll ever see. He’s even more legendary than Matty Saracen, and Matty lead the Panthers to state. He’s hilarious, selfish, and has zero self awareness. He’s the most unique person you’ll find and he’s not even real. There’s something so special about when Michael does something real and sincere (proposing to Holly or his appearance at Dwight’s wedding for example) because often it seems he’s not capable. Then he does, and we’re reminded that he is truly a good guy. Michael was famous for innumerable things, but one was saying this: “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

And for seven seasons, I think we all kind of were.