THE HEAVENS—Attempting to do His part in holding abusers accountable amid the rise of the #MeToo movement, God, our heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He would supervise the purging of millions of souls from Heaven now that sexual assault was being taken far more seriously. “I had definitely heard many rumors, but until recently, I did not believe it was my place to get involved. Now, with everyone being more vocal about sexual misconduct, I feel that to simply do nothing would make Me complicit,” said the omnipotent and omniscient Creator in His first-ever public statement on the subject, explaining that He had met with Saint Peter to begin the process of combing through the Book of Souls and removing the names of those who had been found guilty of sexual assault or harassment at any point during their time on Earth or in Heaven. “I’ll admit it has taken Me a very, very long time to realize how serious an issue this is. But now that I’ve been made to see the truth and the light, there’s no going back. Even if the alleged incident took place years and years ago, we must do everything we can to strongly condemn such behavior. I mean, now that I think about it, what Ruth went through with Boaz’ foreman? Kinda creepy. Never should have let that one slide.” At press time, God announced plans to grant amnesty to the sexual abuse victims he had sentenced to an eternity in Hell.

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