photos by adam gardiner for the vice magazine salon party

Dear Michael,

I’m writing to invite you to a retreat I’m throwing at my house upstate. I’ve done this before with various levels of success. Basically I’m looking for a nice group of good looking men to join me for a fun weekend at my cabin in the Adirondacks. I will provide all of the food, and liquor. I also will provide the lodging, rent free. I’m a great cook and I plan on making a feast every night. Maybe you can even give me tips on my pies?

The only thing that I ask of my guests is that they spend a small amount of time each day kicking me in the nuts, or otherwise torturing my penis and testicles. Ever since I was very young I’ve been extremely turned on by being kicked or hit in the nuts. You can also feel free to step on my penis, or devise some other sort of way to humiliate or torture my junk.

A little about me: I’m 6ft and weigh about 260lbs. I’m a scruffy type, moderately hairy with a beard. I guess I qualify as a ‘Bear’ type, you could say. Bottom. I have a leather sling installed in my cabin and a number of ‘toys’ to play with, including butt plugs, dildos, and hand cuffs. You can feel free to use any of those toys on me, and I’m receptive to a variety of other types of sexual practices too.

I’m not selfish! I want to make sure you have a good time too.

Guests are of course free to sleep with each other as well, provided they spend the requisite time each day kicking me in the nuts. My cabin is central to lots of activities, including hiking and snow skiing. So bring your skis if you’re a snow bunny!

Please let me know if you’re interested and/or available to attend. Right now it’s looking like our next excursion is going to be the last weekend of January. I know – cold! But don’t worry, there’s a fireplace to keep us warm.

Happy Holidays!

R

Dear R,

Thanks for writing in, and your generous offer. I’m unfortunately unavailable for this sort of retreat. Kicking you in the nuts for an hour a day is simply not my thing. While I think people getting kicked in the nuts is super funny, I’m not sure I could take it seriously sexually. The last thing you want at this retreat is me making wise-cracks or outright laughing as people fulfill your sexual desires.

Come to think of it, kicks in the nuts are only funny once in a while. Watching you get repeatedly assaulted in your junk might actually make me feel emotionally empathetic, or even squeamish. In any case, I’m relatively confident that I’m unable to sexualize the experience. Sorry!

Thanks for writing in, and happy holidays!

Jerk.