“I don’t get why you can’t be happy for others. I just don’t get it. Why do you have to make it about you ? Life goes on.”

I’m so tired of needing to raise awareness, to explain, to educate. To teach, even though I’m a teacher. But it seems I always end up needing to when comments like that come up.

We are angel moms. Sometimes we can’t be happy for you. For this great big thing happening in your life. Sometimes we can’t rejoice with you. If we open our hearts to say this wedding is making me sick, or this pregnancy is making me sad, it doesn’t mean we are mean or bad.

It means we are broken.

Yes, we understand your life goes on. Trust me, it’s painful enough to watch. But to us it feels so WRONG. Like a clock going backward. Because it was not supposed to be this way. A family reunion without our child. Everyone celebrating and not even seeing this huge hole. The hole there is and will always be in this family. One name unspoken. A new child being born, who should have been the second, will now be the first. A new name, spoken this time. A new life.

I’m not sorry I’m not happy for you. A starving man shouldn’t apologize for being hungry. Bereaved parents shouldn’t apologize for being sad. I’m not sorry I’m not happy for you, but I’m sorry I’m not happy. For me. I’m sorry my kid isn’t throwing flowers. I’m sorry my kid will never play with yours. I’m plenty sorry.

And I’m sorry I have to explain this to you. I’m sorry we live in a world that just doesn’t get childloss. I’m sorry the lucky are so hard on the broken. I’m sorry we’re seen as dark and selfish, when really, we’re doing such an amazing job as surviving. I’m sorry people are judging when they should be gentle. I’m sorry they forget so fast. I’m sorry our daily life is already so hard, and then there’s those special events who make it unbearable.

Our child died. You know, I don’t wish the same thing happen to you. But sometimes I kinda do. Just for one day and one night. Just so you know what it’s like. Just so I don’t have to hear the same bullshit all the time. Just so you understand.

Because for us it’s not a nightmare. It doesn’t stop when we wake up. It’s everyday. It’s forever. Our child died, and whatever we’re feeling, that’s okay. You should tell me that, but you don’t. So I’m telling it to myself. And I I’m telling my soul sisters.

That’s okay.