CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

In a knee-jerk reaction to the supposed lack of motive behind the recent Las Vegas shooting, President Trump has today proposed a travel ban on all caucasian online poker-enthusiasts who feel like stocking up on machine guns and killing as many people as possible for no reason.

The confirmed shooter of this week’s gun massacre in Nevada appears to have come out of nowhere and completely slipped past American intelligence authorities, which means that the only way to prevent this from happening again is to implement a blatant attack on the civil rights of all people that match his profile.

Over the next month, Trump says he hopes to pass a bill through congress that would see all old white retirees turned away from domestic and international airports and has also suggested at the possibility of a national registry on existing old white retirees.

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of old retirees from entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on,” said the President while reading his own statement.

“Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension,” Trump is quoted as saying in the statement. “Where this hatred comes from and why we will have to determine. Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in the NRA, and have no sense of reason or respect for human life.”

Even the government officials from Las Vegas say they believe this response may be quite reactionary, as the shooter’s profile also matches their largest demographic for tourism.