Gender Desire vs. Gender Identity

Is wanting to be a woman the same as actually being a woman?

There’s a question I often get from people after revealing my transgender status. They ask it expecting a simple answer, just trying to make polite conversation, but I always struggle with it.

So how long have you known?

It’s difficult because buried inside that question is an assumption — that I somehow knew I was a woman and transitioned so I could live according to that identity. But that isn’t always true. I, like so many other trans people, grew up experiencing gender not as an identity so much as a desire.

As a child, I knew with unwavering conviction that I was a boy. I had boy parts, I did boy things, and everyone treated me like a boy. There was never any doubt or distress about my gender. I may not have fit in well with the other boys, but there were lots of other reasons for that. I still knew I was one of them.

At the same time, I would often fantasize about becoming a girl. I was envious of them. I wanted to dress like them, act like them, and be friends with them. I was very confused whenever they were treated as a separate class of people, something other and lesser, not to be emulated. It seemed like everything about being a girl was better than being a boy.

Unable to recognize the growing cognitive dissonance, I proceeded to spend my adolescence and adulthood believing wholeheartedly that I was a man while secretly wishing to be a woman. And that was exactly how it felt — like a wish — a childish fantasy as absurd and wonderful as being able to fly. I was too old for such nonsense, so I tried my best to ignore it and moved on with my life. Then, gradually and with much trepidation, I allowed that fantasy to reveal a deep truth about myself.

So when did I know? Well, it’s complicated. I’ve always known what I wanted, but only recently did I learn who I was.