Sep 24th, 2013 | Viewing | Comments

WHEN: 9:35am EST, September 7th, 2013

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME

FORMAT: DVD on a 19” AOC LED computer monitor

COMPANY: None.

MENTAL STATE: A little tired.

BAD PLAN, NEDRY:

Stealing from your employer is never a good idea, especially if they have a menagerie of dinosaurs at their command. But, if you’re going to go ahead and do it anyway, your plan ought to be foolproof. Sadly, Dennis Nedry’s isn’t. Below are 10 steps our pie-defiling friend could have taken to up his odds of success.

1) BE LESS CONSPICUOUS:

Dodgson doesn’t tip his driver. Nedry orders everything on the menu, and generally makes a scene. If Hammond sends someone to investigate after the successful theft of his embryos, the wait staff will probably be pretty helpful.

“The big guy? Yeah, we saw him. He ordered everything on the menu, ruined some guy’s pie, and was hanging out with a dude in a red shirt and shades. I think his name was Dodgson, the big guy was shouting it all over the place.”

2) ASK FOR MORE MONEY:

1.5 million? Really, that’s all Nedry’s asking for stealing world-changing technology? Sure, it sounds like a lot, even more so when you consider that, in 1993, that would be nearly 2.5 million in 2013 dollars. But, when you consider that Nedry will lose his job, have to go on the lam, and probably never be able to work again the moment his fairly obvious theft is discovered, 1.5 starts looking a little scant. If he’s going to be hiding out in Central America, he probably won’t even be able to invest it. Things may be rosy now, but think of your future, Nedry!

3) DON’T TEST THE SHAVING CREAM:

As Cinemanaut Bill pointed out when I watched with him back in January, there can’t be all that much shaving cream in that Barbasol can. Most of the space inside contains embryo holders and coolant. This being the case, maybe it’s not a great idea to use what precious little there is to garnish someone’s pie.

4) DON’T ANTAGONIZE HAMMOND RIGHT BEFORE YOU STEAL FROM HIM:

Dennis is mere hours away from committing extreme industrial espionage; probably not a good time to get into a squabble with the head of the company about why exactly he’s disgruntled. Yet, he outlines his dissatisfaction at his rate of pay and under-appreciation. It’s never a good idea to poke a bear with a stick, especially right before you steal its honey.

Its sweet sweet dino-honey.

5) DELAY THE WHOLE OPERATION ONCE THE STORM SHOWS UP:

The most carefully laid plans can fall to shit if they’re hurried. The moment Nedry heard that the ship was leaving early and that he’d have to rush through the rain, he should have called the game on account of inclement weather. An island full of dinosaurs is dangerous enough without speeding along muddy roads.

6) GIVE A BETTER EXCUSE:

Going to the vending machines is probably not the best excuse if you’re about to make a twenty-minute drive across the park. Nedry should at least have said he was going to go take a dump; that could believably take twenty minutes. It certainly doesn’t help that he sweats up a storm and gibbers like an idiot the whole time he’s explaining his absence either.

Obviously nothing going on here.

7) FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF THE PARK THAT DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY FREAK EVERYONE OUT:

Turning off the majority of the fences in a dinosaur park is about as stupid as leaving all of a prison’s doors open; everybody’s going to notice, because it’s a horrible idea. If Nedry wants to sneak materials off the island without notice, maybe he should do it in a way that doesn’t raise every warning flag around.

8) DON’T USE A TAUNTING GIF:

Having noticed that the fences are down, Arnold tries to figure out what’s wrong, only to be taunted by a tiny Elvis-suit-wearing animation of Nedry. Immediately, everyone knows that Nedry was up to something. He hasn’t even made it halfway to the dock and his entire cover is blown. Perhaps he could have just made the computer simulate the blue screen of death, or better yet, have the computer lie and tell Arnold that the power was on. But no, it’s much more fun to taunt.

“Hmm, oh, it’s intentional. Thanks for proving your guilt, Nedry.”

9) HAVE AT LEAST A CURSORY KNOWLEDGE OF THE ANIMALS IN THE PARK:

This is the big one, the one that costs Nedry his life. If you work in any capacity on an island full of dangerous animals, have a basic knowledge of all of them. It’s not as though there are an overwhelming number of them; there are only fifteen. If Nedry had just listened to the audio for the tour, he’d have known that the Dilophosaurs shoot poison, and maybe he’d have covered his face.

Whoops.

10) MAYBE THERE’S A DIFFERENT SOLUTION:

Wow, this whole plan was riddled with problems. If only there was some way Nedry could have used his actual skills to steal from his company. Maybe by taking information off of a computer? Oh, hey, he totally has access to the computers that hold the Dino DNA patterns, maybe he could just email the info to Dodgson? I know it’s the nineties and he has dial-up at best, plus the DNA files are huge, but there may be ways around this. Only small parts of the DNA code would differ from modern animals (they’re able to be melded with frogs, for goodness’ sake), so maybe just send the parts that are different? If it’ll take a week to send that massive email, tell everyone you’re debugging the phones? I’m not the computer wizard. In any event, get it together, Nedry. You’re not fit for industrial espionage.

So sad.

RIP Dennis Nedry

1955-1993