Last week I co-hosted a “No Small Talk” Party. It was a such a dope experience that I thought I should write about it so others can do their own versions. Why? Well, I’m a millennial, a young adult looking for better ways to engage with and learn from the people who are and are not currently around me. Plus, the hyper-partisanship and bias in this country is frightening, to say the least. I think we’re now seeing the expanding consequences of a clash of elitism and ignorance leading to ineptitude — a failure to agree upon and correctly apply existing, objective knowledge. We’ve become so isolated from each other that different groups of people are becoming “non-overlapping magisteria,” to borrow a term coined by the late scientist, Stephen J. Gould (albeit in a much different context). But I’m no political or social commentator, only a concerned and curious citizen.

I’m also an introvert — someone who prefers not to engage with people much of the time and who finds small talk and “networking” absolutely exhausting. I’ve spent far too many social interactions wearing masks to try to fit into what Susain Cain calls “The Extrovert Ideal.” I know I’m not the only one. Research suggests that between a third to a half of us Americans are introverted, but societal norms tell us to behave otherwise. So, in social situations, we watch the clock, check our phones, hide in the bathroom or at the bar. What I’ve always wondered, though, is not, “How will I ever have a normal social life?” (I have plenty of friends) but rather, “How will I create more meaningful social interactions?” You know what I mean — the kind where you play to win rather than not to lose. Assuming that every person you meet has something to offer, something truly interesting to teach or share with you, how do we make it normal to speed past the niceties and tap into that well of deeper engagement with open ears and minds?

A few months ago a college friend posted this article on Facebook entitled, “The End of Small Talk.” The author chronicles the transformation of his dating life by adopting a more “Big Talk” approach to conversation. I “liked” the post and commented that we should try hosting “No Small Talk” parties in the same spirit, to which he agreed. Like many ideas hashed out on social media, however, ours had no plan, no follow-up, and thus, no action. It wasn’t until I was at the gym with another college friend a few months later that he brought it up. He was one of those silent witnesses and “likers” of the Facebook post, but perhaps too introverted to show public support! When he mentioned that we should do it, though, I felt the momentum.

The Plan

I emailed my two friends and set up a call. In preparation, we read these two articles on others who have hosted similar parties:

We settled on a date, time, rules, invite, and a format as follows:

Rules

Please be on time and show up between 3:30 and 4:00. There’s no such thing as fashionably late. Plus, you’ll force the early birds to engage in awkward small talk until you arrive. No small talk once discussion starts, please, no side conversations. Confidentiality — please respect the privacy of personal stories and information that may be shared. If you disagree with something, attack ideas, not people. The point of this is to find ways to more meaningfully engage with people we do and don’t know. Once someone feels personally attacked, we’ve failed. Be comfortable and be yourself. We all have something interesting to offer (thoughts, ideas, knowledge, experience, etc.), which can make our social interactions more rewarding with the right circumstances.

The three of us each invited a few friends who we thought would be interested and interesting, which totaled the group at 13. We solicited “small talk” beforehand and put this information on a shared spreadsheet for guests to view. We compiled a list of questions submitted by guests and ourselves, and while we thought about focusing on certain topics or themes, we ultimately decided against any potential limiting factors, at least for the first event. We wanted to maximize the exchange of ideas and participation from a diverse group of people.

(“Small Talk” Information we solicited: Name, Hometown, Current City, Current Position, Two No Small Talk Questions)

The Party

We planned the party for a Saturday afternoon at my apartment and asked everyone to bring a snack and/or beverage. All but one guest arrived on time. We allowed for 5–10 minutes to greet old friends, introductions, pour drinks and grab a seat. I started off with a few welcoming words as the host, we all introduced ourselves with our personal “small talk” info, then we jumped right in.

Each question was cut out on a strip of paper, folded up and placed in a bowl. We went around the room drawing questions and reading it aloud. Whoever drew the question had the first crack at answering it; after that, a free-for-all. When the conversation died down or went on too long, one of us would suggest moving onto the next question (I mostly did this as the host and moderator). We had an even number of men and women. Two of us were born in another country. Professions were broad. Questions ranged in variety while answers and interactions were even richer. Everyone seemed to be highly engaged for a full 3 hours sharing laughter, debate, book references, personal projects, embarrassing stories, and proposals for hosting the next version of the party. It was a room full of introverts and extroverts sharing what they know and care about. No topic seemed to be off limits.

Friends and strangers engaged in substantive discussion at our first “No Small Talk Party”

We plan on doing one of these every month or two in different parts of the region, hopefully with an increasing diversity of perspectives. I hope you find this helpful for starting your own “No Small Talk” or “Big Talk” party and making it normal to ask more meaningful questions to strangers and friends alike.

View our working list of questions here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1p3Cc1YCZ_HQ-yAKmJMo9wJyim2PyvaR1pjhKYe0-d8w/edit?usp=sharing

Please send feedback, suggestions, and more questions.