文 / 李安 1978年，當我準備報考美國伊利諾大學的戲劇電影系時，父親十分反感，他給我列了一個資料：在美國百老匯，每年只有兩百個角色，但卻有五萬人要一起爭奪這少得可憐的角色。當時我一意孤行，決意登上了去美國的班機，父親和我的關係從此惡化，近二十年間和我說的話不超過一百句！ 但是，等我幾年後從電影學院畢業，我終於明白了父親的苦心所在。在美國電影界，一個沒有任何背景的華人要想混出名堂來，談何容易。從1983年起，我經過了六年的漫長而無望的等待，大多數時候都是幫劇組看看器材、做點剪輯助理、劇務之類的雜事。最痛苦的經歷是，曾經拿著一個劇本，兩個星期跑了三十多家公司，一次次面對別人的白眼和拒絕。 那時候，我已經將近三十歲了。古人說：三十而立。而我連自己的生活都還沒法自立，怎麼辦？繼續等待，還是就此放棄心中的電影夢？幸好。我的妻子給了我最及時的鼓勵。 妻子是我的大學同學，但她是學生物學的，畢⋯⋯業後在當地一家小研究室做藥物研究員，薪水少得可憐。那時候我們已經有了大兒子李涵，為了緩解內心的愧疚，我每天除了在家裡讀書、看電影、寫劇本外，還包攬了所有家務，負責買菜做飯帶孩子，將家裡收拾得乾乾淨淨。還記得那時候，每天傍晚做完晚飯後，我就和兒子坐在門口，一邊講故事給他聽，一邊等待”英勇的獵人媽媽帶著獵物（生活費）回家”。 這樣的生活對一個男人來說，是很傷自尊心的。有段時間，岳父母讓妻子給我一筆錢，讓我拿去開個中餐館，也好養家糊口，但好強的妻子拒絕了，把錢還給了老人家。我知道了這件事後，輾轉反側想了好幾個晚上，終於下定決心：也許這輩子電影夢都離我太遠了，還是面對現實吧。 後來，我去了社區大學，看了半天，最後心酸地報了一門電腦課。在那個生活壓倒一切的年代裡，似乎只有電腦可以在最短時間內讓我有一技之長了。那幾天我一直萎靡不振，妻子很快就發現了我的反常，細心的她發現了我包裡的課程表。那晚，她一宿沒和我說話 第二天，去上班之前，她快上車了，突然，她站在臺階下轉過身來，一字一句地告訴我：”安，要記得你心裡的夢想！” 那一刻，我心裡像突然起了一陣風，那些快要淹沒在庸碌生活裡的夢想，像那個早上的陽光，一直射進心底。妻子上車走了，我拿出包裡的課程表，慢慢地撕成碎片，丟進了門口的垃圾桶。 後來，我的劇本得到基金會的贊助，我開始自己拿起了攝像機，再到後來，一些電影開始在國際上獲獎。這個時候，妻子重提舊事，她才告訴我：”我一直就相信，人只要有一項長處就足夠了，你的長處就是拍電影。學電腦的人那麼多，又不差你李安一個，你要想拿到奧斯卡的小金人，就一定要保證心裡有夢想。” 如今，我終於拿到了小金人。我覺得自己的忍耐、妻子的付出終於得到了回報，同時也讓我更加堅定，一定要在電影這條路上一直走下去。 因為，我心裡永遠有一個關於電影的夢

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NOTE: I tried to be as literal as possible so please excuse any weird sentencing

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Text / Ang Lee

In 1978, as I got ready my application to the drama/film department at the University of Illinois, my father was incredibly against it – he gave me this little bit of info: in the United States, there are only about 200 odd roles to fill every year on Broadway, and about 50,000 people vying for the meager parts alone. At the time, being that I was very single-minded about my goal, I got on a plane to the United States anyway. It was then, however, that relations between my father and I deteriorated – so much that we’ve probably said less than a hundred sentences to each other in the last 20 years.

It was only when I graduated from film school several years later that I finally understood where my father was coming from. To say that it was difficult for an ethnic Chinese person with no background to make it in the American film world was an understatement. From 1983 onwards, I spent six seemingly endless, hopeless years patiently in wait, mostly assisting film crews with jobs like watching their equipment, editing, various on-set tasks [etc]. The most painful experience I had during this time was having once visited over 30 companies in the span of two weeks with a script in hand – and getting rejected with patronizing looks every single time.

At the time, I was already nearing 30, and as the old saying goes: a man of thirty should be able to stand on his own. Yet here I was, completely unable to support myself. What was I to do? Continue the wait, or give up my dreams of working in film? Fortunately for me, my wife was there to give me the encouragement I sorely needed.

My wife was a classmate of mine at university, although she ended up majoring in Biology. After graduating, she found work as a researcher at a laboratory, but the pay was rather pitiful. At the time moreover, we already had our eldest son, Li Han [that’s Han Lee to you]. To ease the guilt I felt, I would, on top of reading books, watching films, and writing scripts every day, manage all of the household chores, shop for groceries and prepare the meals. I made sure the house was spotless. I still remember back in those days, I would sit with my son at our front door every night after I was done making dinner, and tell him story after story while we waited for our “heroic hunter of a mother to bring the hunt (i.e. livelihood) home”.

For a man, living this way was incredibly hard on your pride. Once, my in-laws even tried to get my wife to take a sum of money on my behalf. They had hoped that I might use it to open a restaurant and make a living, but my tenacious wife thankfully said no and gave the money back. When I found out they had done this, I spent the next couple of nights sleepless, and deep in thought. I came to the conclusion that my filmmaking dreams were perhaps just too out of reach for this lifetime, and that I should face reality for now.

Not long after, I visited a community college where I looked around for half a day before finally (and with a sourness in my heart) deciding to apply for a course in computing. I was very overwhelmed by everything in my life at that point, and it seemed like computers were the only thing I could be proficient in, in a relative short amount of time. I was incredibly disheartened those odd number of days, and my wife, observant as she is, immediately noticed that something was up with me – she discovered the syllabus in my bag soon enough, and when she did, refused to speak to me the rest of the night.

The next day however, just as she was about to get into her car for work, she stood under the balcony, turned to me, and said, pointedly: “Ang, you have to remember what your dream is!”

In that moment, I felt a deep stirring in my heart. All at once, those dreams, nearly buried by the threat of a mediocre life, suddenly struck me at the core like that early morning’s sunlight. After my wife drove away, I went to my bag, took the syllabus out, and slowly ripped it to pieces before throwing it in the garbage.

Soon after, I received a grant to fund my script. I took up the camera myself, and not long after that, a couple of my films started getting international accolades. It was then that my wife, while talking about old times, said to me: “I have always believed that man only really needs one strength, and yours is making movies. There is a dearth of people studying computers, and there is only one Ang Lee – if you want to get that Oscar statuette, you have to stay true to your dreams.”

As of today, I finally got that little gold man. I feel as though my patience, along with my wife’s many sacrifices, has finally gotten its reward. At the same time, I feel more resolute, and more determined to continue on the path of filmmaking.

Because the dream of making movies will always be in my heart.