Freud would have a field day. It simply doesn’t make sense.

How can you kill a zombie when it was already dead? Does that mean it wasn’t dead in the first place? If it wasn’t living then how do you kill something that was already dead? And why don’t they, after being killed, simply keep on going? Simply keep on stumbling about? After all they were already dead when you killed them, so why should being dead again suddenly stop them in their tracks now? You haven’t actually changed their state in any way have you? Ridiculous – I don’t get it. Doesn’t make any sense. And if it wasn’t dead then it wasn’t an actual zombie, was it Einstein? So how can zombies be the walking dead? What does undead mean if it is not yet dead? That’s just plain, vanilla living in my book. The mere act of walking around implies active brain processes within a living organ. Living, as in not dead. Dead organs don’t have functional brain processes, that’s why they tend to be called dead, you enormous, brain-dead, pillock. Putting it simply, you cannot be both walking and dead. It’s either one or the other – so make up your stupid Hollywood minds.

Clearly nobody fully articulated the logic here.

So they need to eat living flesh. Flesh-eating zombies – yeah, right. How terrifying. Like we humans don’t eat flesh anyway. Again, a living process implying active neurons and brain processes. So tell me why do they only eat humans? Why not cats, rats or dogs? Why not duck into that pizza joint for a quick Magherita or a Meat-Lovers? After all that’s dead flesh on that pizza. Let’s get some bread while we’re at it. Why must they only eat only human flesh? Who stipulated that on their menu? Why not vegetarian zombies? And if they can’t eat cats, rats or dogs then why not dead cats, rats or dogs? Why not dead flesh? You’re dead remember, so what do you care? Why not simply eat each other? It would save us at least an hour of viewing time. I told you before, they must be living if they are actually walking around eating stuff, if not then they are dead, so why all the fussiness all of a sudden? Get stuck in, eat each other, meals on wheels. In fact who cares if you are living or dead, if you’re so hungry then just go for it. Don’t waste our time – Zombies took what they could get back in my day.

In fact why not eat yourselves? Clearly you are all that stupid. Just take a bite of whatever takes your fancy, maybe your arm, or perhaps even suck off a finger or two. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt, you’re already dead remember? Oh what’s the matter, changing the story now and you don’t feel the urge to eat yourself? Well that implies an active brain process then doesn’t it you completely illogical tosser?

You said they were the walking dead. So how did they know we are here then? Again, absolutely no reasoning involved. Another flaw, neither fully thought out nor logically articulated. Which mental process, fully active and functional within an allegedly dead and rotting corpse, leads them to find us? Is it sight? Smell? Hearing? A bad script? G.P.S.? I thought you said they were dead. If they are dead then how do they know we are living? Make up your bloody mind.

I’m sorry, I am simply not accepting this. This is nothing more than sheer laziness. It’s death alright – death of the plot. Death of the brain cells. Let’s forget about all that thinking and get straight into some action. Bring on the violence. Don’t worry about suspension of belief – you simply can’t hold much belief if you are fairly thick. Or if you are actually brain dead.

In fact American culture seems to be getting fairly morbid. Back in the forties and fifties Hollywood got into shooting. A lot of shooting. Shooting was okay. Since then however they seemed to have moved on to zeroing in on the rotting corpse. A fascination with not just dead bodies but the rotting thereof. Think about it – C.S.I., Castle, Bones and Criminal Minds. All television programs obsessed with corpses. Apparently sex and living body parts are off limits. Off limits that is until you die. Then it’s all on – can’t get enough. We want to crawl right in there and examine the worms and taste that decay. The rotting flesh and the fungal growth. Dead and rotting zombies walking the streets. As I said, Freud would have a field day. Remember that this entertainment feeds our subconscious demands.

Is this simply a metaphor for a decaying society? Zombies may be a bi-product of our consumer society, as in “Dawn of the Dead” (1978) where zombies are drawn to the local mall. Robbed of their life they seek a comforting remnant of their former existence. Is our society becoming a shallow, narcissistic rush towards cannibalistic, corporate greed? Are we gradually becoming zombies? In “Shaun of the Dead” (2006), zombies are into playing video games – a dead giveaway if ever there was one.

So please beware of zombies. They will literally eat out your brains.