It was the best cock-up money could buy: €39m worth of indecision, miscalculation, clumsiness, passivity and incompetence. It was also confirmation of Bayern Munich supporters' worst fears. For all their firepower, more balanced approach and defensive improvements, they remain supremely capable of beating themselves, just as they had been in Louis van Gaal's second year, when - in Uli Hoeness's sarcastic words - "god" had been overseeing the semi-tragic proceedings from the bench.

From heaven above down to earth came Roel Brouwers's aimless punt, and the news was very bad. Jérôme Boateng, the €17m-plus centre-back and designated boss at the back, let the ball bounce and stepped aside to allow €22m-plus recruit Manuel Neuer, Germany's player of the year 2011, to take off on an ill-conceived flight into nothingness. The 25-year-old missed the ball completely, while Igor de Camargo headed home from just outside the box. Bayern still had 30 minutes to turn the match around, but all their painfully laboured attempts were to no avail. Lucien Favre's Mönchengladbach held out for only their second win in Munich in 46 years.

Jupp Heynckes, so red in the face with exasperation that Stefan Effenberg's old nickname for the coach came to mind - he had called him "Osram" once, after the best-selling light bulb - spoke of a "misunderstanding" and pointed to a stomach bug that had put Neuer out of action three games prior to the match. But the player himself was contrite. "It's my responsibility," he mumbled, explaining that he ball had "somehow stopped" mid-air: "I didn't want to risk a red card." As far as Bundesliga debuts go, it couldn't have gone much worse for the ex-Schalke ultra. His only consolation came from the stands, where there was only shocked disbelief, nothing worse.

Even if you don't subscribe to Germany's three irrevocable articles of faith - Germans make the best cars, the best kitchens and the world's best keepers, of which Neuer is by definition the best - it would of course be silly to question Neuer's talent after one solitary mishap. Bayern fans and journos of a certain age were quick to recall Jean-Marie Pfaff's infamous own goal against Werder Bremen on his first outing. The Belgian keeper went on to become a much-loved mainstay at the Olympiastadion. Accidents do happen.

And yet there was something a little more troubling here. Not a doubt about Neuer's competence as such, but a lingering suspicion that this wasn't mere misfortune. "Games in which I've got nothing to do are difficult," he had ventured before the match, probably without realising how true that was. At Schalke, Felix Magath had asked him to be pro-active and play a bold game, but there he was (quite literally) constantly in full flight, high on adrenaline after saving one ball after the other.

In Munich, there was one stop to make in the first 42 minutes and not another serious attempt at his goal apart from the goal itself. Neuer, to put it charitably, lost his concentration, then over-compensated with a showy expedition. It's as if he wanted to demonstrate that he was still on the pitch, doing his thing for the team, worth the plaudits and the money. Maybe he felt that he had to make a point, in a team full of individuals who never gelled on Sunday. It's a trap that newcomers to a starry company often fall into. They try too hard and forget to get their simple lines right in the process.

Neuer will have to down-size his need to shine, very quickly. And Boateng, who did improve matters in defence, albeit not to the extent that some had hoped, needs to snap out of his sometimes phlegmatic approach. Heading the ball before the bounce would have dealt with the situation.

That chain of events aside, Bayern looked lethargic and one-paced throughout. One or two chances were created, naturally, and there were two offside decisions that went against them. But it was all "too little", as CEO Karl-Heinz Rummenigge said. One idea consisted of getting the ball to Arjen Robben and hope for the best. The other was to give it to Franck Ribéry on the other side of the pitch. Both were fairly easily crowded out. Sound familiar? "I can't believe this shit is happening again," said Thomas Müller.

Bayern's lack of progress in terms of going forward, combined with Dortmund's exhilarating display on Friday night made for a pretty chastening afternoon. "Precisely what we wanted to avoid has happened now," said Rummenigge. "We are already behind the music." To make matters worse, post-World-Cup fatigue won't work as an excuse this time.

Talking points

• Leverkusen finished as runners-up last year and it seems that they're streets ahead of Bayern this year, too - albeit in the wrong way. They're already out of the cup and threaten to set new quantity standards in terms of goalkeeping errors. After deputy keeper David Yelldell - No1 René Adler is injured - had blundered his way through the 4-3 defeat at Dynamo Dresden last week, third-choice 21-year-old Fabian Giefer was given the nod for the match at Mainz, only to lose his nerve, too. Giefer completely mishit a back-pass to allow Sami Allagui to smash home and later collided with Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting to come off with mild concussion. On top of that, new defender Ömer Toprak managed a proper own goal as well. New manager Robin Dutt, who left Michael Ballack on the bench of the entire 90 minutes, is under pressure to find a winning formula, especially at the back. "Playing the Champions League with Schwaab, Reinartz, Toprak and Kadlec borders on negligence," wrote Süddeutsche Zeitung. Bayer are now keen to bring in a fourth keeper, the highly-rated Bernd Leno, 19, from Stuttgart to deal with the crisis. It'll be interesting to see if they line up a fifth and sixth choice, just in case.

• "I looked like an asshole," bemoaned Hoffenheim goalkeeper Tom Starke after the 2-1 defeat at Hannover. This was, alas, not a reflection on another keeping clanger but angry criticism of referee Thorsten Kinhöfer. The official allowed Jan Schlaudraff to score the opener from a free-kick while Starke was still arranging his wall. The fact that Kinhöfer had asked the Hannover striker whether he wanted to wait for the ball beforehand enraged the visitors, who had a right to feel aggrieved: Kinhöfer's gesture to whistle, apparently directed at Schlaudrauf, was confusing to say the least. "An absolute disgrace," said Hoffenheim's Holger Stanislawski.

• Dortmund, though, were nothing short of sensational on Friday night. Hamburg's players must have felt like Milan's carabinieri in the new Mini ad during that 3-1 drubbing: wherever they wanted to needed to go, three or four Dortmund players seemed to get there first. Mario Götze (one beautiful goal), Shinji Kagawa and Kevin Großkreutz (two strikes) stole the show but this was a triumph of collective endeavour and imagination. "I've rarely seen such a harmonious, well-combining team on the opening day of a season," said a very impressed national manager Jogi Löw in the stands. Borussia players ran a combined 125 kilometres, 10 more than the hosts, and not a single millimetre in the wrong direction. "One has to be careful not to become a supporter of this team," said TV pundit Mehmet Scholl, bedazzled by the brilliance of Jürgen Klopp's men. Robert Tesche's consolation strike prevented the champions from leading the table straightaway again but in all other respects this was just like last season, only more so. "Bayern are still favourites," said Klopp, eager as ever to down-play everything, while the lippier Großkreutz issued a veiled threat: "It was alright today, but there's plenty of room for improvement."

• "The first step is winning the ball; the second step is using it," Ralf Rangnick said after Schalke's 3-0 defeat away to Stuttgart. "In the first half, step one was OK. But there was no step two." There was also no second half to speak of from the Royal Blues, who had, in fairness, been a bit unlucky to go into the break two goals down. A fine goal from VfB's Japanese striker Shinji Okazaki capped a miserable match for Rangnick, who is struggling to impart his ideas of collective football on the remnants on Felix Magath's squad.

• The Bundesliga is renownedly for carefully upholding much-loved traditions like terraces, cheap tickets, drinking and smoking. But the authorities do draw the line when it comes to romantic notions like jumpers for goal-posts or "skins v colours". Thus, Marco Kurz's move to bring on Clemens Walch were thwarted by the latter's attempt to play without a regulation Kaiserslauten shirt. By the time Walch had gone back to the changing room to retrieve said forgotten garment, Werder striker Markus Rosenberg had already scored a second goal to decide the match. The Northerners' good start to the season was hitherto somewhat overshadowed by the clouded future of Per Mertesacker, however. The Bremen captain returned from a lengthy lay-off to play a decent game and talk about leaving. "Playing abroad is an option, I can't rule it out at this stage," said the 26-year-old, banging an invisible drum at his feet. Werder need the money and would love to sell but the long-rumoured approach from Arsenal is yet to materialise. Since "Merte" is an old-fashioned type of centre-back, tall and strong in the air, Wenger is unlikely to pick up the phone.

Results: Dortmund 3-1 Hamburg, Hertha BSC 0-1 Nürnberg, Stuttgart 3-0 Schalke, Bremen 2-0 Kaiserslautern, Köln 3-0 Wolfsburg, Hannover 2-1 Hoffenheim, Augsburg 2-2 Freiburg, Mainz 2-0 Leverkusen, Bayern 0-1 Gladbach.

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