Hello Guild Ball fans, and welcome to the Twin Cities Figo League, home of the very best in Guild Ball entertainment. Today, we have my future champion Fishermen, squaring off in their season opener against Kurt, his Brewers, and their Captain, Tapper.

Contrary to the preseason matches, this game is going to be played on an entirely open Guild Ball pitch – a change up for me, certainly. Nonetheless, I bring Sakana, who excels at scoring out of Cover, but more importantly excels at stabbing people with a spear. The Fishermen make no changes from their preseason roster, and are full of confidence as this game begins:

Shark (Captain)

Tentacles (Mascot)

Siren

Kraken

Greyscales

Sakana

Across the field, Kurt’s brewers look dark and imposing, primed and ready to go. They look to have hired in some Union muscle to help them beat down the Fish:

Tapper (Captain)

Scum (Mascot)

Friday

Spigot

Hooper

Rage (Union)

The ‘Official’ has accepted a bribe from a member of the Brewers’ Supporters Club, and ‘misinterprets’ Shark’s call at the coin toss, awarding the ball to the Brewers! Disgusted, Shark tosses the ball over to Greyscales on the end line, and the veteran jogs forward and gives the ball a boot!

Turn 1

Tapper sprints forward, snapping the ball as he goes and then slinging it over to his girl Friday. Distracted as he watches the ball, the Brewers Captain fails to see the big Fisherman start to move. Kraken jogs forward and fling his giant harpoon at the Brewers Captain, stabbing him and ripping him over to him and way out of position. After Scum scampers forward, as well, Siren lures the kitty over with a bit of fish, only for the cat to be called back directly towards Friday.

Sakana dashes up the Fishermen’s right wing, as Friday darts up into the central midfield area. Shark, Tentacles in Tow, Jogs forward and shifts Greyscales towards the Brewers’ striker, getting him into position. Tentacles then tucks over towards Kraken, helping him Gang Up on the Brewers captain after Rage finds himself out of position to attack anybody.

Hooper scoots forward to assist Friday, only to watch helplessly as Greyscales, the Fisherman Veteran, slaps Friday with a tackle on the jog, then a Momentous Dodge and a ‘Where’d they Go’ slides him out of the pair’s reach, then a shot on goal from the edge of his range rings off the post! The Fishermen’s Guild crowd goes wild, as the Brewer’s Guild supporters begin passing out the shivs. 4-0 to the Fishermen!

DISASTER FOR THE BREWERS ON THE GOAL KICK!!! The ball is kicked out near the pairing of Friday and Hooper, but it sails over their heads and lands at the feet of Shark!

Turn 2

Rage charges at Siren, wicked knives flashing, but her charming good looks and a warning cry from the nearby Kraken is enough to help the Fisherman avoid being Taken Out by the Union thug.

Shark leers like his namesake at Friday as he charges along her exposed flank, smacking her with his spear and using that to pole vault him towards the middle of the field in a Momentous Tidal Surge. As he soars through the air, he tosses Nets all over every member of the Brewers except their hired help Rage in a Legendary play. Then, with a gorgeously curled ball, he rattles in a second goal for the Fishermen, whose crowd is delirious to see their team out to such an early lead. The Brewers supporters (well, Kurt, anyway) are looking a bit disheartened, and . . . resolved. To defeat? We’ll find out! 8-0 Fishermen

The Goal Kick goes right to Friday this time, and she’s able to corral it from inside of her net. Her support, Hooper, turns around to knock down Shark, but is unable to do so, settling for some damage which brings the Brewer’s Guild supporters back to their feet.

The Big Fisherman sweeps the legs out from under the Brewers Captain, drawing cheers from his fans before staring down at him piteously. Kraken jogs away and Harpoons Friday, sucking her and the ball straight to him! Before Tentacles or Sakana can take the ball of her, however, Friday dodges out of the reach of the Fishermen’s giant squid mascot, and launches a desperate shot around Kraken at the goal . . . and SCORES!! The Brewers are back in it! 8-4 Fishermen

The Goal Kick goes out to the right wing, landing just behind Sakana, who sprints back to catch it, then slings it over to Shark – the Captain rises up in a bicycle kick snap shot, shrugging off Scum and Hooper, and strikes the ball towards the post . . . for the win . . . NO GOAL! THE REF WAVES IT OFF! (Only one hit on the snap shot’s two dice).

Tapper stands up and beats Siren down with his wooden spoon. The Physician’s Guild medics dart in to carry off the beautiful and enigmatic Fisherman Winger to the jeers of the Brewer’s Guild faithful as they cheer loudly, buoyed by Shark’s miss and their Captain’s heroics. 8-6 Fishermen.

Tentacles sprays ink all over himself in shock at the display, as Scum attempts to look as adorable as possible so that Greyscales won’t hurt him. Greyscales, who has a cat of his own at home (probably), picks up the ball where it lays ineffectually near the goal post, looking to finish the match early next round.

Turn 3

Greyscales doesn’t screw around – he charges Scum, punts him to draw a round of laughs from his despairing supporters, then turns around, and attempts to roundhouse kick the ball into the post to put the match to bed with some flair! Unfortunately, midway through, his trick hip from a match against the Butchers back three seasons ago acts up, and he SCUFFS IT! TWO KICKS TO WIN THE GAME FOR THE FISHERMEN AND THEY MISSED THEM BOTH!

The Brewers’ fans are over the wall, shivs in hand, and Fishermen start going down left and right! First it’s Shark, as Hooper sweeps him off his feet and then pummels him into the ground before he’s lost under a sea of rambunctious Brewers fans. The Ref awards the takedown! 8-8 Tie!

Then, Tapper finishes off Tentacles, slapping him over the wall with a mighty swing from his club. Then, he advances towards Kraken and takes the big Fisherman, who’d been having his best game of the season so far, off of his feet. 10-8 Brewers!

Rage rushes in to finish off Kraken! It’s all over! Somebody do something before the crowd turns into a riot! 12-8. BREWERS WIN!

(I can’t believe I missed TWO kicks for the win. Never before has the Shark Show failed me. And then Greyscales . . . Jesus. Both Kurt and I thought it was over when I won initiative. Never before have the dice betrayed me so badly!)

We caught up with Shark after the game, who stared menacingly at the gathered reporters as he spoke in halting words. “That was disgrace. I don’t miss. I never miss. You know how Brewers are. Ref . . . Won’t happen again. Bring own help next time.”