Note: NSFW screenshot in this one

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With a soft sigh, Harper rolled over onto her side, curling her legs even closer to her chest as she did so.

She wanted nothing more than to just disappear.

Her parents had forced her to go to another therapy session that morning. But it was completely pointless, just like Harper knew it would be.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like Dr. Cunningham. It was that Dr. Cunningham just didn’t understand her. I can’t talk to her the way I’m supposed to… Or the way I WANT to. Harper wished she could try opening up more… But she just didn’t trust this new doctor. She wasn’t comfortable with her.

I wish I could talk to Dr. Savage again. Harper sighed softly to herself. He was probably the only shrink in the whole world she could even halfway trust. But there was no way she could ever be his patient again. Not unless I get my ass thrown in jail again…

And right now, that was what was scaring the hell out of her.

Last week, it had been a pack of gum. Yesterday, it was a bottle of nail polish. For the first time in two years, she was stealing again.

It was this urge she just couldn’t shake. It would creep up on her so fast, it felt like she didn’t even have time to think. She just did it. And she hated herself for giving in.

Sometimes it even made her think of Ivy. Was that what it was like for her? That awful impulse she just couldn’t fight?

Yeah, and look at what giving in to that urge cost her. Harper felt so sick imagining what she almost cost HERSELF too. If she’d been caught, she’d be back in jail in a heartbeat. She’d lose her little boy all over again. What the hell is wrong with me?!

It was a question that had often kept her up all night.

Everything was just falling apart so fast. It felt like she had no control over her life anymore. It was almost like she was on autopilot or something. She was standing on the sidelines, watching someone else live this pathetic shell of a life. And Harper hated what she saw. So much. But she felt so powerless to change any of it.

Even just getting out of bed was so hard some days. Phoenix was literally the only thing keeping her going anymore… The only person in the world who could make her forget how much everything still hurt.

But Phoenix was with Erik and Rubi all afternoon, so she didn’t even have him there to help make her feel better. She didn’t have anything.

Harper was supposed to leave for her world-building class in a little over an hour, but she just didn’t feel like going. In fact, she’d only gone to her writing class twice since Ivy’s death.

Most days, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Walking those same halls they used to frequent together was just too painful. Remembering that Ivy was the only reason she’d even tried going to uni in the first place… It was too much.

Maybe I should call Rylie. Harper wondered. After all, that was probably the only thing that could possibly make her feel better, wasn’t it?

As much as it sickened her, it felt so damn good whenever they were together. It had been less than a month since the funeral, and they’d already hooked up three or four times since then.

It just felt so good to be able to forget. It was like she was actually connected to somebody else, even if it was just for a little while. Even if it was completely meaningless sex.

It was afterwards that was the hard part. No matter how amazing the sex was, Harper would always go back to feeling just as empty as she did before… Sometimes even worse. Like she was cheap or something. Or cheating on Ivy. Or using Rylie.

Harper used to wish she’d convinced Devin that night after the funeral… But looking back, she was glad she didn’t. I would have broken his heart… And probably my own too, maybe even worse than it already is. At least with Rylie, she knew it didn’t mean anything.

It made her so sick to think that she was using her friend like that… But Rylie let her do it. Harper knew she was enjoying the sex just as much as she was.

But did that really make it okay?

I’m such a fucking screwup!

The knocking at her bedroom door was so faint, Harper almost thought she was imagining it. She’d turned off her hearing aid before lying down. It was so much easier to drown out the rest of the world that way.

It wasn’t until the third round of muffled banging that Harper realized it was not all in her head.

“Go away!” She called out, still hugging her knees to her chest. “I’m fine!”

Zayne and Hope had been so persistent in checking up on her during days like today. And while a part of her appreciated their concern, mostly Harper just wanted to be left alone.

Even without her hearing aid turned on, the high-pitched creaking of the opening door was loud enough to reach her good ear.

With a heavy sigh, Harper swung her legs over the side of the bed at last. “Papa, I told you, I’m –” Her eyes widened. “Oh. Hey, Dev.”

What the hell is he doing here?! Despite her confusion, the sight of his face still managed to warm her heart a bit. She reached up quickly, flicking the switch of her hearing aid so she could hear his reply.

“Hey, Harper.” He did not smile. “Sorry for barging in like this…”

“It’s fine.” Though his expression remained pained, she tried her best to force a smile. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, I just… I wanted to come say hi.” Devin lowered himself onto the bed beside her as he spoke. It was immediately clear that he was hiding something.

Harper narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “Just decided to drop in out of the blue, huh?”

“Well, um… your Papa did tell me he was worried about you.” He confessed softly. “He said you were talking about skipping your class again?”

Harper’s brow furrowed instantly in anger. Devin and her Papa, talking about her behind her back?! “Seriously? Do you have him keeping tabs on me for you or something?”

“No!” Devin put his hands up almost defensively. “That’s not it at all! I think he just wanted a little… help. Talking to you, I mean.”

“Why? Is he really so afraid that he can’t come talk to me himself?”

“He’s not ‘afraid’, Harper!” Devin sighed heavily. “I just think sometimes your parents feel a little… I dunno. Lost or something?” He shrugged. “They love you. And they wanna help you, but you’re… You’re being kind of…” He looked almost guilty as his voice trailed away.

Harper could only imagine how he was planning on finishing that sentence. She rolled her eyes. He’d wasted no time in going into one of his usual lectures. “Come on, Dev.” It was her turn to sigh this time. Despite her anger, she tried her best to soften her reply. “I don’t need this stupid speech.”

“Yes, you do…” His voice was pained. “Look, I didn’t wanna just barge in here and dump this on you, okay? But someone had to say it sooner or later — You can’t keep doing this, Harper.”

“Doing what?!”

“THIS!” Devin snapped, gesturing in her general direction. “Look at yourself! Hiding yourself up in your room, skipping your classes, pushing away everybody who tries to help you, manipulating the people you care about…” He paused for a moment. “This isn’t you, Harper. It’s who you used to think you were, maybe. Or who you tried to be. But it’s not you. And I thought you’d figured that out a long time ago…”

Harper shook her head she tried her best to ignore the truth behind his words. “You’ve got it all wrong, Dev. I’m not ‘manipulating’ anybody or ‘pushing them away’, okay?” Yes, you are, a small voice in the back of her mind whispered. “I call you all the freaking time, don’t I? Katie too. And Rylie.”

Devin rolled his eyes. “Booty calls don’t count.” He muttered bitterly.

Harper felt all the blood drain from her face. Shit. Did she tell him?! How did he know about that?! “I… I don’t…” She paused for a moment. “What are you talking about?” She asked at last.

“Don’t.” He shook his head. “Don’t lie to me. I thought we were past that shit.”

Guilt washed over her instantly at his words. How could she even think of lying to him, of all people? “Fuck. You’re right. I’m sorry.” She suddenly felt as though she were about to cry. “It’s true. Rylie and I are…” She let her voice trail away.

“Katie’s been telling me for weeks that I should say something.” Devin continued, ignoring her apology. It was hard to tell whether he was talking to himself, or to her. “But I didn’t wanna get involved… I promised myself I wouldn’t.”

“Then don’t.” Harper replied seriously. “I get that you’re worried, Dev. And I appreciate your concern. But I don’t expect you to get wrapped up in all my shit. That’s not fair to you. I’m gonna be fine.” She tried her best to sound confident. “I’m dealing with this, okay? In my own way.”

Devin stared at her for a few moments before replying. His expression was so difficult to read. “You’re not ‘dealing with it’.” He said at last. “Running from it, maybe. Or hiding from it. But definitely not dealing.”

There was a strange heaviness in Harper’s chest at his words. He doesn’t even know the half of it.

Devin was already so ashamed of her for hooking up with Rylie. It sickened her to imagine what he’d think if he knew she was stealing again too…

Shit. I can’t keep that from him. If there was anybody in the world she could trust, it was the man sitting next to her on that bed.

“You’re right.” She admitted sadly. “I’m… I’m kind of a fucking mess right now. And I don’t just mean the shit with me and Rylie… I, um…” She glanced down at the floor. “I took a couple things from the store last week. Without paying.”

Devin’s face dropped into one of his hands. “Christ.” He muttered helplessly. “Harper… You can’t do this shit anymore! Think of Phoenix! He needs you!”

“I know! And I feel so fucking sick. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna be like this anymore either… But I also don’t want you worrying about me, okay? These are my mistakes. This is my fucked up life. And I’ve gotta deal with it on my own.”

To her surprise, Devin nodded in agreement. “I know. And that’s why I’m not gonna try and tell you what to do about it. I’m not gonna try and force you to do anything. I’m gonna let you figure things out your own way.”

“You are?” Her eyes widened slightly. “I was so sure this was gonna be one of your classic interventions…” For a moment, she almost smiled.

“It’s not.” Devin assured her. “It’s… a ‘push’, maybe? Or a plea?” He stared down at the floor for a moment before continuing. “I was so proud of you when you finally got out of jail. It kinda felt like I finally had you back again, if you know what I mean. The real you. The sweet, funny, amazing girl Mr. Asche paired me up with back in History class.” His lip curled slightly into a small smile as he spoke. But when he opened his mouth once more, it was gone.

“But then after what happened with Ivy… I guess it’s like the old Harper’s back or something. And to be honest, I was kinda hoping we’d never see her again…”

Harper felt the painful heaviness return to her heart at his words. Because she knew he was absolutely right.

“I know.” She admitted softly. “I… I feel it too. And I hate it. I hate being this way.”

“Then you’ve gotta do something about it, Harper!” Devin cried in frustration. “Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn’t gonna do shit. And I know it’s hard, okay? But I’ve seen you do it before. You can do it again.”

When she remained silent, he continued. “Harper, I can’t even pretend I understand what you’re feeling right now. I know I can’t. But what I do understand is that Ivy would want so much more for you than this. She’d want you to keep getting better. And she’d wanna see you keep on living, not just going through the motions. She’d want you to be happy.”

Without warning, Harper’s eyes were wet and stinging with tears. Hearing him talk about Ivy hit her so much harder than she’d anticipated.

Was what he said true? What would Ivy want for her? Or, more importantly, what would Ivy think if she could see her now? If she could see how low she’d fallen?

Rarely had Harper allowed herself to give it much thought before. After all, it didn’t matter, did it? Ivy was dead. Gone. Who cared what she’d think of any of this?

I do. She suddenly realized. I care.

Harper blinked against the new round of tears that fell down her cheeks.”I get what you’re saying… But how can you know what Ivy would have wanted? You didn’t know her, Dev…”

“You’re right. I didn’t.” Devin sighed softly. “But Ivy loved you. And… maybe that’s something I do know a thing or two about.” His cheeks reddened slightly as he spoke.

Harper said nothing, her own face growing warm. Did he just say he…?

With a small shake of his head, Devin continued. “I hate to say it, but really I can’t stand seeing you like this, Harper. And I know Ivy would feel exactly the same.” He said gently. “You’ve gotta pick yourself up out of this pit, okay? You’ve gotta find a way to start moving forward again. I know you keep saying Phoenix is the only thing keeping you going right now… But you have so much more to live for than just him. I hope you don’t forget that.”

Devin seemed to hesitate for a moment before finally allowing the corner of his mouth to curl into a smile. “Sorry for the big speech. I know how much you hate shit like this.”

“I do.” Harper couldn’t help but smile as well. “So fucking much.”

He chuckled softly before replying. “I’m just worried about you, Harper. Because I… I really care about you. A lot.”

“I know. I get it.” She assured him. “And I know I suck at showing it… but I appreciate all of this. Seriously.” Harper confessed. “I don’t know if there’s anyone else in the world who would’ve stuck by me through even half the shit I’ve put you through…” She smiled warmly at him. “You really are the best, Dev. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve a friend like you.”

He simply smiled at her in reply. Neither of them spoke for a few moments.

“I guess I should probably let you go…” Devin broke the silence at last. “You’ve got your class this afternoon, right?” He eyed her significantly as he spoke.

She nodded. As painful as it would be, Harper knew she had to go. For Dev. And for Ivy too. “I’ll text you later though, okay?”

Devin smiled, rising to his feet. “Sounds good.”

Even after he’d closed the door behind him, the weight of his words still hung so heavily in the air. Harper knew that he was absolutely right. She was being so awful right now — to her parents and her friends… even herself.

And it was no one’s fault but her own.

He’s right. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep hiding from my problems… and I can’t just sit here and keep feeling sorry for myself. Harper told herself firmly. The only one who can change any of this is ME. I’ve gotta face this shit head-on… That’s what Ivy would want me to do.

She would get dressed and go to her class. She’d stop screwing around with Rylie. She’d stop stealing shit. She’d find a better therapist. She’d start letting people in again.

And she’d stop sitting around waiting for someone to come and save her.

For once, it was time to suck it up and learn to save herself.