Alex Salmond has been blasted by members of the Westminster Parliament for “inventing” deputy leader Nicola Sturgeon after it emerged that the Scottish Government is actually a one-man dictatorship.

The First Minister, who this week has been personally handed all powers to stage a referendum on Scottish independence, is being accused of using taxpayer money to oversee the build of a sophisticated robot in the form of a female MSP to hide the fact he is the only person who runs Holyrood.

The elaborate SNP scheme has also seen the creation of Finance Minister John Swinney, the Health department’s Alex Neil and others.

MPs in the House of Commons spent six hours on Tuesday explaining to the public live on television that they can see right through the hoax and hoped this proved that the United Kingdom was better together as one nation.

Anas Sarwar, deputy leader of the Scottish Labour Party and not a robot, said:

We have a majority SNP Government in the Scottish Parliament, but that is not a democratic place in the conventional sense; it is a dictatorship of one man sitting in Bute House, who will do not what is in Scotland’s interests, but what is in his own interests. “It is clear to see that Alex Salmond is the only man in this one-man dictatorship, and anybody else perceived to be part of this Scottish ‘government’ is either a figment of our imaginations, or a robot.”

Glasgow South West MP Ian Davidson, in a rare toned-down appearance, said:

We see no reason for delaying the referendum until the end of 2014, except for perceived partisan advantage. The referendum will be timed to take place after the anniversary of the battle of Bannockburn, which is celebrated mainly because Scots slew large numbers of English people, and after the Commonwealth games in Glasgow. The fact that those events will take place before the referendum gives people the opportunity to celebrate the politics of identity and ethnicity. “We thought that Scotland in the 21st and 22nd century would be looking forward, and would be progressive and positive. Celebrating the murder of hundreds or thousands of English people, which they only managed because they were probably all robots immune to England’s ancient methods of fighting, does not provide the best base on which to move forward.”

Members of the House of Lords repeated the accusations yesterday, in a break from their eighth nap of the day.

Scottish Conservative Leader Ruth Davidson last night said:

Not content with wowing us by impersonating Nixon, Clinton, Del Boy, Shaun of the Dead, the First Minister on the Moon and The Nat Before Christmas all at once, we can add another moniker – the First Minister is now The Salminator. “Not only is Alex Salmond trying to pull the wool over our eyes by creating fake MSPs in order to pretend it’s not a dictatorship, he is probably only able to do so by using the Japanese to carry out the work. If he’s going to insist on using robots in Holyrood, the jobs should go to those here in the UK who need them first.”

There was immediate concern over how robots managed to win their places through Scottish elections, or whether the real people were replaced by doppelgängers after the one-man dictatorship seized control in Holyrood.

Law expert Andrew Tickell, who blogs as Lallands Peat Worrier, cited the case of Helena Torry, a mannequin put up for local election by an Aberdonian nutter.

Mr Tickell said:

The mannequin case was light-hearted in intent, but it isn’t entirely legal to stand inanimate objects for political office. Well, except in Glasgow and Lanarkshire. Walking, talking robots are a different matter but simply put, fibbing on your nomination papers is a no-no under the Representation of the People Act 1983. “Whoever put these non-humans up for election, if anyone indeed did, can face up to six months in prison or a £5,000 fine should they be convicted. Of course, you can always get away with it if the prosecutor gets the law wrong, which is what happened in the Helena Torry case. “I’m sure Alex Salmond has it covered – dictators usually have their own laws. I’ve not studied those ones. They’re not really written down anywhere.”

Nicola Sturgeon was unavailable for comment, however she was not doing anything last night and was definitely not speaking to 600+ people at a Yes Scotland event in Glasgow.

On Twitter, former footballer and sane everyman David Icke said:

Robots, lizards, they’re all the same thing really. This is a non-story.”

Stuart Campbell, the Scottish media commentator who runs Wings Over Scotland, said:

Eh? Why are you asking me stuff? I have pages and pages full of facts and evidence and other things of that nature. You media types typically run away screaming from that sort of analysis. Why don’t you go speak to David Torrance or something.”

Scottish urban hipster David Torrance was available for comment, and his quote was published here, but was mysteriously deleted after we went to press.

Ray McRobbie

National Collective