THE UK’s primary source of information after Brexit will be page 555 on Ceefax.

Following planned shutdowns of all broadcast television channels and the internet for reasons of public safety, news of curfews, food lines and military drafts will be disseminated via text pages on your TV.

A Home Office spokesman said: “There’s too much media at the moment, and one thing everyone voted for in the referendum was to get rid of most of it.

“By providing regular updates about how wonderfully everything is going via text screens that flick over every minute we can keep Britain up-to-date on what matters without any distracting backchat.

“Who needs newsreaders, with their sneering undertones? Who needs the internet, with its uncensored stories from untrustworthy foreign sources? Not Britain. Not any more.”

The popular Bamboozle quiz, presented by Bamber Boozler, will also return with questions focusing on negative French stereotypes and the Second World War.