Welcome back, cats and kittens, to Silas Cooger’s Smoky Mountain Lion Profiles. This time, were talking to a throwback, a man who’s ready and willing to put that baseball through a brick wall for 100 innings, Dan Gerzone. Dan and I cover his notoriety, his team, his take on the MLR, and his beer. So, without any further gilding the roses, jack , here we go!

Silas: Well now, I’m happy to sit down with one of the players in the MLR that I’m personally keepin’ an eye on. This cat reminds me of some of my old school teammates, not some stat monkey primadonna. I’m talkin’ with Milwaukee Brewers Starting Pitcher, Dan Gerzone. Hey now, Dan, how’s the day treatin’ ya?

Dan Gerzone: It’s a little bit of a grey, overcast day here in Milwaukee, but I’m doing well. How bout yourself?

S: Can’t really complain, kid, found me a couple squirrels ‘neath my porch, so I got me a snack for later. Highlight of my day thus far, y’know? So, Dan, let’s start off light. When did you start loving baseball, and why pitching?

DG: Well, Coog – is it okay if I call you “Coog?” – anyways, Coog, I’ve loved baseball ever since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. My earliest memories are from playing the game, so it’s been a big part of my life from the start, really. When I was about 9, I joined a “kid-pitch” league and they asked if anybody wanted to pitch. I always had a strong arm – I used to play 3rd or Short when I wasn’t pitching – so I volunteered. It went okay, but I knew I could’ve done better. So that winter I took lessons and worked on my mechanics and it’s been my passion ever since. I love having the ball in my hands, I love being on the mound. When you’re the pitcher, you call the shots. Blowin’ a fastball by someone or foolin’ a hitter with Uncle Charlie for a called strike 3 gives me just as much of a rush as smacking a double in the gap.

S: Man, Uncle Charlie… Y’know, when I was a kid, my Uncle Charlie was my favorite. He always used to wake me up and take me out in the middle of the night. He gave me these pieces of steak to feed the dogs down at this big lot on the outskirts of town, then he’d disappear and I’d have to get home on my own. Took me a while, but I always found my way back. Good ol’Uncle Charlie… Anyway, what pitches do you throw these days?

DG: I kinda like to think of myself as a modern day Bearded Dale Thompson, so I throw this cutter-slider pitch like he used to throw. Depending on how I throw it, I can make it break more vertically or horizontally or both. Other than that, I throw a circle change, curve, but my number one pitch has to be the high heat. I’ve got the need. The need for speed.

S: That’s a hazardous highway you find yourself on, Dan Gerzone, and I like it. Now, you get a pretty hefty amount of attention around the league, how do you feel about that?

DG: You know, Coog, I feel like I’m a normal guy just like anybody else, so it’s a little strange to think I’m one of the more famous players in the league, especially when there’s so many great players and personalities. I just try to be myself, joke around, and I’m confident in my abilities so I trash talk a little – I was a huge Rich “Goose” Sausage fan growing up and he loved trash talking – and people have kinda latched on to that. I’ve made a lot of friends throughout the league, had a lot of different players reach out to me, and hopefully my teammates see me as a leader and somebody they can rally behind. It does have its disadvantages, but like my Grandma used to say, “the tallest buildings are always in the biggest cities”. Not sure what that means, but I think it applies here.

S: How d’you think your teammates feel about that? Are they supportive of that attention, or do you think they resent it at all?

DG: That’s a clown question, bro. Did Wrench Henderson’s teammates resent him? No.

S: Wrench Henderson didn’t have to play with the entitled crybabies of today, son! Back then, you had a problem, you punched your teammate in the face. Nowadays, you get people bein’ passive aggressive on the Tweets and refusin’ to accept assignments. You can’t compare the era’s, jack. Anyway, you just got done with your game against the Dodgers. Had a bit of a tough go this game, do you think they figured you out a little, or was it just some tough luck?

DG: Yeah, I got roughed up a little. I think I just left a few too many pitches over the heart of the plate and when you do that, great offenses – which the Dodgers are – will take advantage and make you pay. I know some will say I “fell off”, but I retired 11 out of the last 12 hitters I faced. So even though we took a tough team loss, I’m still just as confident in my pitching ability going forward. Everybody has bad games and like my grandpa always said, “The plants won’t grow if there’s nothin’ but sunshine.”

S: Damn right. Your grandpappy sounds like a smart man. You guys are 3 and 3, how’s the mood in the clubhouse after the loss?

DG: Drunk. Very drunk. We’re like that after wins too though.

S: Only Miller Lite?

DG: Due to our team sponsorship, fine pilsner flows like spring water in the clubhouse, so it’s mostly Miller. But we encourage everybody to drink whatever they want. Variety is the spice of life.

S: So, I know you’re on a quest for 100 innings pitched, but, I also know that y’all just signed another hurler for your staff. How d’you feel about that?

DG: I’ve always admired guys like Molasses Stephens and Cat Fish who would throw complete game after complete game and wanted to join them in the record books. I still want the ball in my hands and I still want to lead the league in innings. But the reality is, it’s just not the same league any more, for better or worse. Our GM Master Cashier and I had a long talk and both agreed that to win the Paper Cup we needed another great arm, and I think we have that with Ron. He looked great in his ECO league debut and has been awesome in the clubhouse. He’s actually gonna have me over for some steaks and whiskey later this week.

S: Well, I don’t know if you’ll get to 100, but, I’m sure you’ll give it Hell. Now, who, in your opinion, is your teams biggest competition in the NL East?

DG: The division is so stacked with 5 teams .500 or better that trying to pick just one is, like the old saying goes, like lookin’ for sunshine in your Nana’s cellar. It’s gonna be a bloodbath the rest of the way.

S: You know, son, I’m usually the one makin’ the metaphoricals here. You tryin’ to take my job?

DG: I’m just trying to put things in words you can understand, old man.

S: Easy now, Youngblood, I’m just tryin’ to give the readers what they wanna know. You feelin’ froggy, chief?

Now, it’s about this time that we had to take a little break There were some things not fit to print, and after a few minutes, cooler heads prevailed and we continued the interview over a couple split lips, a few broken pieces of furniture and the crisp, cool, refreshing taste of Miller Lite. Anyway, movin’ on.

S: Who on your team doesn’t seem to get the press you think they deserve?

DG: I think a lot of guys on the team are really quiet, humble, hard working guys who don’t care much for all the pageantry and theatrics of the league, they just love playing the game. Chocolate Smegma and James Maso are quietly killing it and Scottish Tweegy is one of the best shortstops and, dare I say, the best Scotsman in the league.

S: Scottish Tweegy? Now that’s a name I can get behind. If you could add one player to your roster, who would it be?

DG: I’m friends with a lot of great players, so I hope noone feels slighted, but I think if we could add one more elite hitter we’d be unstoppable. I’d love to have a guy like Basebally McBaseballface or Johnny Hopkins.

S: Now, I already know that you’re dead set that the Brewers will be making it to the Paper Cup, so, who’s your dream opponent?

DG: Coog, the way I see it, if you’re gonna beat somebody, beat the best. And the best team in the league is Tampa Bay. They’re firing on all cylinders right now.

S: You heard it here, folks, Devil Rays/Brewers! Here’s another light one. Do you have any suggestions as to who I should look to talk to next?

DG: I’d love to hear an interview with my future paper cup opponent, Dougie McElroy.

S: Well, alright then, I’ll look him up. And, now I give you the floor, kid. You got anything you’d like to say to your colleagues and fans readin’ this?

DG: I just want to say to any players who are struggling: don’t lose heart, keep it up. There’s no reason why you can’t turn it around next game. My 3rd pitch in the majors was a 2 run home run, it happens to everybody. And to any reporters, I’m totally available for interviews. And to anybody else, please send me beer. But, of course, drink responsibly, and never drink and drive.

S: Wise words, Dan. You’d fit right in with ol’Surgeonfish Polaski. Bless his soul, poor bastard. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

DG: Thank you for having me, Silas. Huge fan.

And that’s all she wrote, youngbloods. The fat lady done sung her areola for the day. A big thanks to Dan Gerzone for sittin’ with me and for offering up some of that tasty Miller Lite after we hashed out our little difference of opinion. And, as always, hit me up on the Tweeter (@silas_cooger) if you got somethin’ to say, or a scoop that needs scoopin’. And, you guessed it, keep on keepin’ on!