Forgive me, but I feel I must preface this piece by stating the obvious: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fan of the podcast Chapo Trap House. I definitely haven’t listened to every episode on their SoundCloud (Wizarding Wireless Network), definitely have never relistened to an episode, definitely have NEVER contributed to their seven-figure Patreon account (bet they have lots of Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts in Gringotts now), I definitely don’t have a former work colleague named Big Max who described vaguely rejecting one of the many non-cis male hosts of the show (before they were an Internet-famous Mudblood Dementor) after one bad date (and I definitely didn’t stare at him unblinkingly and say: Ya blew it, Big Max), I definitely have never had fantasies about drinking Kratom (butter beer) with Felix Biederman and playing Fortnight (I’ve never even played Fortnight, how could I even have that fantasy?!), my Patronus charm definitely doesn’t manifest as Will Menaker’s giant fucking forehead, and I DEFINITELY am not doing all of this because I want validation from my Internet heroes or something.

Fucking Huge Forehead, Definitely Not My Patronus Tho

Definitely, DEFINITELY not that last part, because the Chapo gang are not the heroes, or even the anti-heroes, they want you to believe they are: They are a rotten, no-good gang of Mudblood Dementors (Muggle translation: Beta Cucks).

This might seem confusing, especially to Muggles (if you’re a Squib reading this, please just go away — I’ve already dealt with your hero Chomsky, and I ain’t got no time-turner for y’all). Let’s start with the easy part: Dementors. Even a Year 1 could see that these Chapo creatures are Dementors. Those nasally voices hissing into the WWN, their undefined, amorphous facial features. I’ve even uncovered evidence that they use some powdered form of the Polyjuice potion to disguise themselves before media appearances.

Dark Magic

But I have plenty of friends, Wizards and Muggle allies alike, who could be described that way — what really makes them Dementors? It’s the way they make you feel. The color that drains from your face, that bodega egg-and-sausage sandwich you ate threatening to slide out of your ass and get stuck in your skin-tight pant leg, the second you hear that awful mashup of videogame sounds, Biggie Smalls, and DJ Smokey. Listen to it right now and see if you don’t shit your pants — I’ve tried, can’t hold it in. And let’s not forget how these Mudblood Dementors got their start — with Will Menaker (who definitely has some sirius Professor Quirrell vibes, but don’t get it twisted he is a Mudblood Dementor) summoning trolls from the hinterlands to denigrate our beloved President Hermione Granger on behalf of the false Harry Potter, Bernie Sanders (Crabbe/Goyle).

Stock Photo of Bernie Bro

If that doesn’t suck the joy right out of you, you’re probably a Mudblood Dementor too. Also: Dementors only ever kiss. They never get the wand wet. Some cuck shit if you ask me.

Okay, TRIGGER WARNING for this next part: pure-bloodism (alphas). Let’s talk about that naughty word that’s making you all so nervous: Mudblood. Not okay when Slytherins and Death Eaters use it, but it’s okay when I do. I would never call a half-blood or Muggle-born Wizard in good-standing a Mudblood. President Granger herself was born to Muggle parents, and the alt-right (goblins) constantly use the M-word when referring to her. Sad! In fact, I would never, ever use the word Mudblood by itself unless explaining why I don’t use the word Mudblood by itself. However, when I combine the word Mudblood with the word Dementor (Mudblood + Dementor = Mudblood Dementor), both words take on a whole new meaning.

In Case You’re a Visual Learner

Mudblood Dementors, including the denizens of Chapo Trap House, are fallen Wizards. Sort of like the Ring Wraiths from JR Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, except that’s fantasy and this is JK Rowling’s Wizarding World (reality). Most of them grew up Gryffindor (though a few Slytherin-to-Mudblood Dementor transfigurations do sadly happen; see, e.g., Julia Salazar, the focus of a future expose), and were corrupted by the Dark Magic of brocialism, postmodern Neo-Marxism, Squibs like Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn, and Game of Thrones.

Pictured: The Enemy Professor Daddy Warned Us About

It’s tragic, and it’s okay to feel empathy. But they must be destroyed. Also, just look at those chins. Not a Chad among them.

Okay, for the final and scariest part yet, TW/CW: Mudblood Dementors (duh), hyper-gentrification (hyper-transfiguration), meeting your idols (arch-nemeses). I was in Bushwick-Bedstuy (Hogsmeade), at a chic café/bar called [REDACTED] (The Three Broomsticks), working my freelance editing job (law textbooks (History of Magic textbooks)), DEFINITELY NOT listening to Chapo Trap House, when they floated in. Matt Christman and Virgil Texas. Mudblood Dementors in my fucking home. I felt cold, I started sweating, I started shaking — and I don’t even think it was from all the drugs (potions) I took that day. I definitely didn’t recognize them on sight from videos and that Guardian profile, and I definitely didn’t try to say hi. My immediate impressions; Christman almost fools you into thinking he’s an alpha — I mean pure-blood — Wizard. He’s big, he’s warm, he’s Mid-Western, he’s confident, he’s hairy, he’s got a big ole’ beard, he definitely didn’t have a firm handshake and a confident, gracious smile when I didn’t shake his ghoulish, wispy approximation of a hand. A real Dementor-in-Squib’s clothing. But Virgil — the jet black hair, the jet black thick-frame glasses, the jet black eyes shifting nervously back-and-forth when I didn’t try to say hi. Beta cuck — I mean Mudblood Dementor — for sure. After I didn’t try to say hi, I Expecto Patronum’d my skinny Gryffindor ass right outta there. I’ve never been the same since. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m becoming a Mudblood Dementor. But then I think about all the witches I’ve laid the wand with, and I remember I AM A PUREBLOOD WIZARD. Chapo will never take that away from me, even if they continue to ignore my owls.

This isn’t a hit piece — I gave these Mudblood Dementors a million chances to comment on these allegations. See grid below.

Not Weird at All

If any of you Chapo beta cucks — god dammit, Mudblood Dementors — read this, don’t even bother responding or refuting. It’s too late. [Eds. Note: Chapo, please respond, we are very worried about Nick’s mental health.]

UPDATE!!! It’s all true. All of it. See below.