FRISCO, CO—Loosening his tie upon returning home from a long day of work, local insurance adjuster Patrick Wandel informed reporters Tuesday of his intention to relax and take the edge off with a decades-long slide into alcoholism. “I busted my ass today, and now I just want to take a load off and kick back with a slow, crippling 30-year descent into alcohol addiction,” Wandel said as he sank comfortably into his sofa and the beginnings of a struggle that will one day culminate in a diagnosis of early-onset liver disease. “Nothing helps me unwind like moving one step closer to a chemical dependency that gets progressively worse until reaching a self-destructive climax sometime around middle age.” Wandel later announced plans to reward himself for his hard work by flipping through a stack of takeout menus, picking up the phone, and plunging straight into obesity.

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