Things publishers say on bound galleys, advance reading copies, and TI sheets, all sourced from actual copies. Parentheticals added.

National media appearances (boilerplate, speculative)

National print features (boilerplate, speculative)

Major review attention (wishful thinking)

National media appearances including NPR (“What about NPR?” has replaced “What about Oprah?” in the pantheon of dumb questions asked of publicists by publishing colleagues)

Video trailer (God help us all)

Targeted blogger outreach (with packs of Skittles)

Author events and interviews out of New York (publisher can’t afford a tour)

BEA breakfast speaker (They still do this? In the basement of the Javits Center? And authors agree to come? Ugh.)

Main Selection of the Book-of-the-Month Club (They still exist?)

Book club outreach (publisher will send books, hope something happens)

Satellite radio tour (filler)

Promote on team blogs and forums (even I have no idea what this means)

Comic Con promotion (men wearing spandex)

Social Media campaign (publisher will tweet about your book and post an excerpt on Scribd)

Facebook campaign (like me like me like me like me – publishing in the 21 st century)

century) Skype chats (with Atlantans still trapped in the Piggly Wiggly. Or inmates)

Galley giveaways on Goodreads (Owned by Amazon. Tells you everything)

Motion picture rights sold to Fox (movie will never get made)

Foreign rights sold to 24 countries (doubtful)

Etc.

Things publishers should say on galleys and advance reading copies: