The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round – 4 Wisconsin 77, 5 Auburn 69

In back-to-back games, last season’s national runner up and one of the Final Four participants have been booted from Reddit March Madness.

Wisconsin ousted Auburn, 77-69, kill Tiger hopes of another magic run to the national semifinal. Instead, it will be the Badgers making their triumphant return to the regional semifinals, their first time back since 2017.

“Garble, garble, garble,” Wisconsin head coach Greg Gard garbled after the game, weeping joyfully as he reflected on a very tumultuous season for him, getting very personal and in-touch with his emotions for the whole world to see. “Garble, garble, garble.”

For the second game in a row, Wisconsin guard and arsonist apprentice Brad Davison earned Player of the Game honors, putting up 28 points, five rebounds, three assists, two steals and a 5-of-11 clip from beyond the three-point line.

Some big shots were needed for Wisconsin to get to the Sweet 16 for the first time since 2017.

He was torn apart after his fantastic showing in the first round against North Texas, really letting his failure to fulfill the role his team’s asks of him get to his head. This time, though, he was much more put together.

“I have come to terms with the fact that I’m human, and to be human is to err,” Davison explained. “Sometimes, I’ll have great nights, where I’m bulldozing through opponents and helping my teammates that way. Other times, I have to accidentally put the ball in the basket and pretend like I’m trying to play basketball. I can’t be so hard on myself all the time.”

While the loss is certainly disappointing for Auburn, head coach Fred Flintstone, who is known in modern times as Bruce Pearl, said that this is just one of many crushing tournament defeats that his program’s fans have to look forward to for many years to come.

“This is what happens when you’re at least decent in basketball,” he said. “You win 22 to 28 games in the regular season, get into the NCAA Tournament, win a game or two, then have your heart torn out of your chest. Rinse and repeat. “Fans of shit teams think it’s glamorous. I guess it’s better than being so bad that the NIT sounds exciting, but once you’re here, trust me, it kinda sucks. “So, we’re on to next year to do it all over again, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

While Flintstone has a point, Wisconsin still finished the game on a 13-4 run, so Auburn’s pain could have realistically been delayed for another round. But for Auburn senior center Austin Wiley, who had a double-double with 13 points and 13 rebounds, that agony is here now.

“But … mom … I … don’t … wanna … come … HOOOOOOME!” Austin Wiley struggled to get out to his mother over the phone amid the intense sniffles and tears he was fighting through. “I’m gonna miss my friends, and all my toys and stuff are here. I don’t wanna leave. I don’t wanna come to Hoover. I WANNA STAY!”

She tried calming him, but it was no use. Austin Wiley threw a tantrum, finding every drink able to be spilled in the room and tipping them over, creating carnage in his wake.

Wisconsin will compete against the winner of No. 1 seed Baylor and No. 9 seed Indiana (Sunday at 8 p.m. EST) in the Sweet 16. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.