I’m going to rush straight into my post today and say it immediately – some asexuals have sex.



I know, I know, don’t have a coronary over it. Aces can do those things. It’s ok. If you’re quite squeamish or just don’t want the asexy birds and the bees talk from me, I wouldn’t advise that you read any further. I know a lot of people are going to look at the title of this post and say "haha, I wonder what it's really about?" No, really, it's sex ed. Did I stutter or something?

Also, just as a bit of housekeeping, there is a huge emphasis in this article on the fact that only some asexuals enjoy sex. Some asexuals do not want sex at all – and that’s okay. This post may also sometimes slip up (hey, I’m only human) and forget to be specific when talking about aces having sex when in relationships with non-asexuals. Not all ace/non-ace relationships involve sex, and if you’re an allosexual in a relationship with an asexual then don’t just assume that sex will happen. If you’re an ace in the same situation, I’m absolutely not telling you that you’re obliged to have sex. As in all relationships, communication is key.



“But Romilly”, I hear you cry, “I thought asexuals didn’t want sex! Isn’t that the definition of asexuality?”

Put simply, no. Asexuality is characterised by a lack of sexual attraction to all genders. That definition may have just confused you further – sexual attraction equals you want sex, right? So no sexual attraction means you don’t want sex.



Shush for a moment, readers, I’m getting to that bit. The first thing to understand here is that attraction does not equal behaviour (if I had a penny for every time that phrase has been used by aces when arguing with the anti-ace brigade, I’d be able to afford university by now!). In other words having sex with someone does not immediately mean you are sexually attracted to people of that gender. For most entirely straight or gay people, that’s a pretty strange concept, so I’ll use a common example of people arguing that behaviour equals attraction.



Bisexual and pansexual readers, have you ever been asked “yeah, but which gender do you actually like?” Quite a few people look at bisexuals in relationships and say “oh so you were [gay/straight] all along, right?”

Cake is still pretty attractive too (S)





But how is this relevant to asexuals having sex? Well, if attraction isn’t the same as behaviour, then an asexual can have consensual sex with someone, and still not be sexually attracted to them.



Now we get on to what is traditionally the next port of call in this sort of argument – “why would anyone have sex with someone they weren’t sexually attracted to?”



There’s actually a surprising amount of reasons, and I’m sure you’d get as many answers as people asked, but I’m going to go through some of the most common ones.

To make your partner(s) feel good. Yes, this is a point that appears to surprise people, but it’s a valid argument. I heard one ace say that it was “very much like giving a back rub. Not necessarily pleasurable for you to do, but it’s a nice gesture.”

Because you have a high libido. Not quite, Few People. A bisexual can still be a bisexual while in a relationship with one person. This is an example of people assuming that someone’s behaviour (i.e. being in a relationship with someone of, for example, opposite gender) is the same as their attraction, when in fact their attraction is to both genders.But how is this relevant to asexuals having sex? Well, if attraction isn’t the same as behaviour, then an asexual can have consensual sex with someone, and still not be sexually attracted to them.Now we get on to what is traditionally the next port of call in this sort of argument – “why would anyone have sex with someone they weren’t sexually attracted to?”There’s actually a surprising amount of reasons, and I’m sure you’d get as many answers as people asked, but I’m going to go through some of the most common ones.Yes, this is a point that appears to surprise people, but it’s a valid argument. I heard one ace say that it was “very much like giving a back rub. Not necessarily pleasurable for you to do, but it’s a nice gesture.”