NOWHERE—With Super Bowl XLV concluding the 2010 football season and with several months to go before the 2011 baseball season, absolutely nobody in the country confirmed Sunday that they were looking forward to watching tennis. "I've already requested my days off for the U.S. Open," said not one single person in the entire United States of America. "Seems like this might be the year [Novak] Djokovic finally climbs out of [Rafael] Nadal and [Roger] Federer's shadows," added an American who does not and never will exist. Although even the faintest thought of the 2011 tennis season occurred to no one whatsoever, 95 percent of the country has reportedly been wondering what Michael Chang is up to.

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