ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op. “As soon as Ted Cruz touched the cow, this yellow, lumpy fluid started oozing out of its udders,” said eyewitness Sarah Verdin, adding that the heifer appeared to be perfectly healthy and had been producing fresh white milk just moments earlier when the owner of the farm demonstrated how to handle the teats. “The cow was bellowing and stomping the whole time; it was clearly in distress. And the longer he tried milking it, the thicker and chunkier the milk came out. They even brought him a second cow to try and the exact same thing happened.” At press time, Cruz was licking his lips after taking a long drink from the bucket of fetid, steaming goop.

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