(Photo by Jermain Rangasammy for Pretty Instant)

Devitte: Welcome to the third annual MLL All-Star Game Fantasy Draft. This year we decided to bring a third man into the booth to freshen things up a little bit. Everyone please welcome Patrick McEwen aka: LAXFILMROOOOOOMMMM!!!! Say hi, Patrick.

McEwen: Hi, everyone.

Devitte: Any words from last year's champ?

Rosenthall: Come at the king, you best not miss. I’m not sure that really applies, but I’ve always wanted to say it.

Devitte: Omar had it coming. Let’s get started. Here is a quick refresher on the rules:

1. The Draft

1, 2, 3 between Chris Rosenthall (last year’s winner), Kyle Devitte (former champ) and Patrick McEwen (Challenger). No snake style. All picks must be made with a corresponding YouTube clip, animated .gif OR meme. (Though YouTube is preferred).

2. Scoring

2 points for a 2-pointer

1 point for a goal. 1 point for an assist.

.5 point for a ground ball

.25 points for each Save and each Face Off won.

Minus -1 point PER penalty.

3. Bonus scoring

5 points for the game-winning goal

5 points for the best celebration

2 points for MVP

2 points for skill challenge winner (Just kidding they cancelled this for no reason)

Minus -5 points for the WORST celebration

Minus -1 point for EVERY bad celly

4. Roster Breakdown

Unlike last year, we have the final roster available to us directly from the league office so there won’t be any shenanigans (LOL!). Also since there are three of us (and a ton of bizarre alterations to the player pool) we will only be permitted to choose two attackmen, two defensemen, four midfielders, one face-off man and one goalie. Ten rounds to create the perfect team. No pressure.

Devitte: The first pick of the third annual Major League Lacrosse Fantasy Draft belongs to the champ and head coach of the No Limit Soldiers: Mr. Chris Rosenthall.

Rosenthall: Thank you sir. The first pick in the draft is the same as last year’s first pick: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rob Pannell. Rob led the team to victory last year and we’re happy to have him back. My favorite thing about Rob Pannell is that when he scores a goal at a home game, they always play this song for some reason:

Devitte: Well, I suppose that was always going to happen. I’m going to bet on the little guy and take William Manny the first. Yup. I did it. I took an off ball attackman in an All Star game. Think about it. It’s all transition. It’s all second chance points. You only live for the G’s.

McEwen: I bring a little bit of a different approach to the draft. Like in all drafts, the biggest challenge is being able to differentiate being value and marginal value. Pannell and Manny are going to put up more points than my pick, but I believe that no player offers more marginal value than Scott Ratliff (especially when you get a half point per GB). He put up 2 G’s and 4 GB’s in last year’s game and averages better than a point and a half per game this season including this 7 spot against Florida.

Rosenthall: Wow. I did not see that coming at all, and I’m extremely disappointed that Ratliff won’t be joining my squad, especially because like 45% of what I do is make jokes about things like Outkast and Roll Bounce, and Scott’s the only Georgia native we’ve got. I’m pretty shook up right now, but it doesn’t affect my pick. Marcus Holman, welcome to the No Limit Soldiers. Hey, what school did he go to again?

Devitte: Oh, Patrick I forgot to tell you we have to name our All Star teams. We are bad at naming things. See also: Our nameless podcast. With my second pick I will select a man cursed with one of my many afflictions. (No, he’s not short — he just has a giant head) Yes, folks the owner of a sputnik-sized cabesa is my second pick: Tom Schreiber. Now before you get all bent out of shape think about all the great entertainers that possess giant heads: Bruce Willis. Sly Stallone. Jean Claude Van Damme. Reese Witherspoon. The king of these massively domed stars is Tom Cruise. Let’s watch one of my favorite videos on the Internet to celebrate this pick:

McEwen: I wanted to go with Schreiber here, but now he is no longer an option, I’m going to double down on my LSM strategy and snap up Joel White. All of the attackmen and midfielders in this game can score, so I just fine being “stuck” with whoever falls to me later in the draft. There just aren’t going to be defenders who can put up points and ground balls like White available later, mostly because they’re all on my team. Pretty much there is only one possible movie quote to sum up my strategy at this point and Devitte just tweeted it.

Rosenthall: Your first pick put my jaw on the floor and your second one put the rest of me down there with it. I’m also mad about that pick because I had my Jesse Pinkman “Yeah, Mr. White!” clip all mentally ready to go, and now nothing. These MIGHT be some brilliant moves, Patrick; we’ll see what happens on Saturday. That being said, taking White means I get to keep grabbing the people I’d hoped to draft, so I’m selecting the #1 Stunna himself, Joe Walters. Joe recently tweeted “Just struggled thru a 6 minute mile, ready for the MLL All Star Game!” Did he hear that we were holding this draft and decide to put his mile time out there for us like the NFL combine? Almost certainly definitely not, but he did score 13 points in his last two games, so that’ll work too.

Devitte: you SOB I had the illest joke for this pick (Expletive deleted) IT

Rosenthall: Ha ha, that actually matters most, getting guys you have good jokes for.

Devitte: It is. You figured it out. I have nothing left to teach you.

Rosenthall:

Devitte: Okay. No more messing around. There’s no way around this. I have to pick him. I feel like if I type his name too much he gains corporeal from behind me and starts to shave “99 Rulez” into my head with a pair of clippers. He’s the Cromagnon Candyman: Paul Rabil.

McEwen: So many different possible directions to go with this pick. I think I finally need to pick up someone who stays on the field to play offense, so I’m going to go with the leading midfielder scorer still available (and I think the 1st Outlaw to go in this draft), Drew Snider. Snider lives in Seattle, so the West Coast location doesn’t require him to change time zones and I’m hoping provides him with a bit of a home field advantage. With all of the West Coast connections, it only seems fitting to make it one more and let Tupac welcome everyone to the wild, wild, West

Rosenthall: Oh man. I’m going to need a minute here. Patrick, you took Georgia and now you kicked off 90’s rap. Here’s the thing: that’s pretty much all I know. Lacrosse is a super distant third place; I bring almost literally nothing else to the table. There’s honestly no reason for me to be here anymore, and when I say “here” I mean this draft, Inside Lacrosse, maybe the planet as a whole. I’m going to have to do some real soul searching after I make my pick here. Welcome to the squad, Peter Baum. Now, let’s see here… I’m fully prepared to get neck-deep in puns for this draft, and dropping Outkast’s “Bombs over Baghdad” for Peter Baum would be like a double word score, middle of my Atlanta/Rap Music Venn Diagram kind of thing, but since Baum’s from the Pacific Northwest as well, maybe I should head in that direction. I’d put a Portlandia clip here but I’ve never watched it, and I’d feel like a fraud. I don’t know, what else does Oregon have OH SNAP GOONIES

Devitte: Yeah, man. Patrick, you messed up. Now it’s a three-way rap-knowledge battle. However, Chris, I feel like I need to tell you a story about the IL Christmas party where Patrick Rapped EVERY WORD of Outkast’s “Roses”. Like, right in front of me. I felt part of my brain leak out of my ear and tear ran down my cheek after he was done. It’s the most incredible thing I have ever seen [at a holiday party]. With my next pick I’m taking the ultimate five-tool player, the one, the only Matt Abbott. I bet Matt Abbott doesn’t have bars, but I would also not be surprised if he did. That’s how versatile he is.

McEwen: And so Devitte ends the mini-run on West Coast midfielders. Think it’s time to head to the Midwest for one from my home state of Ohio, Connor Buczek. Unfortunately, Wikipedia doesn’t list any rappers from Cincinnati (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Rappers_from_Cincinnati,_Ohio) of which I’ve ever heard, so I’m going to have to go in another direction for this one. Since Buczek is a Cornell grad, I will go with the stylings of fellow Big Red alum, Andy Bernard

Rosenthall: Patrick: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is from Cleveland, I don’t know if Cincinnati people rep Cleveland people or not, but just in case, that’s one for ya. Next up for my No Limit Soldiers, our LSM Brian Karalunas. Not only is he solid on the GBs, but he’s got no problem carrying the ball across the field and starting up some trouble. Does he have Ratliff or White offensive numbers? Nope, but this is an All-Star game, you just need a guy who’s willing to throw some mess up. Somebody’s getting the ol’ kayak or rusty gate, BK’s grabbing the ball, and he’s going for the goal, just you wait. Oh, interesting aside, Karalunas is currently studying at Stanford University, which means this weekend, he’s going going, back back, to Cali.

Devitte: A year ago there is no way this guy falls this far. But he’s stuck on that horrible no good very bad Florida Launch team. Saturday might be the first time this season that we get to see Kieran McArdle play with some joy instead of the hateful blood that has pumped through his body all season. You can feel McArdle reaching peak fury as he works twice as hard as any of his teammates on attack to beat his man and go to goal. That work ethic will be rewarded in the All Star game where everyone is out there trying to have a good time and not get hurt. McArdle does NOT care about staying healthy and I think this is his statement game. It’s time for the true Southpaw beast to pop off:

McEwen: Just as I planned on happening, that means I get to pick 2 out of the 3 of Joey Sankey, Randy Staats and Eric Law at attack. Maybe not quite as good as some of the guys who went earlier, but not hard to imagine any of the three ending up with four or five points. With my next pick, I’m going to play the hot hand and go with a guy who is coming off of a six goal, two assist performance and was a late add to the All-Star Game roster, Mike Chanenchuk. Here’s hoping that his hot hand allows him to catch fire this weekend.

Rosenthall: I feel like at least one of these guys is going to be phenomenal, so good job by you. As for me, I’m heading back to the midfield and taking Ned Crotty. I’m not exactly sure why he’s listed as a midfielder, but who am I to question the way the MLL decides to do things. Now that he’s back in Rochester, Crotty’s assist numbers have doubled from his last year with the Lizards. Honestly, the toughest part about this pick was the YouTube clip. At first I wanted to go with “Kung Fu Fighting” to honor our Upstate friends who pronounce Crotty like “karate,” but since I’m currently watching “American Gangster” for the third time (in a week), Roc Boys seems far more appropriate.

Devitte: Man, talk about skating on the edge. Before Chris picked Crotty he tried to snag Randy Staats and get a third attackman. We made a quick ruling and allowed him to make another pick and then he goes and takes a guy who hasn’t played midfield since he was on that other cold blooded reptile team. I guess I have to round out my midfield lineup with a shooter to give me a chance at all of the goals. All of them. Jeremy Sieverts gives me that chance and I gladly take it. If you have goals, and I have goals, and I can reach all the way over and take your goals…

Rosenthall: I went from not knowing the rules at all to taking advantage of a loophole in the very same pick - that’s a savvy veteran move right there. Got to keep testing the boundaries like the Raptors from Jurassic Park - they’re my team spirit animal.

McEwen: I wrote earlier about the importance of marginal value and while I haven’t taken a goalie yet because they’re all good enough that predicting who ends up with the most saves is a complete luck of the draw. However, 5 points for the best celly is a tantalizing bonus and I am confident that no one cellies harder from the crease than Scott Rodgers. Plus he’s second in the league in save percentage. But, with only 0.25 points for each save, the chance at those 5 points gives Rodgers tremendous upside potential. Speaking of Big Rigs, did you know that people drag race them?

Rosenthall: JoJo Marasco, welcome back to the squad. When I was scouting potential draft picks this afternoon, I tried to think of a good YouTube clip for JoJo, anything that had a good connection to him. Plan A was something Tabasco related, because Tabasco rhymes with Marasco and I was sitting at Chipotle at the time. Then it hit me - Robo rhymes with JoJo, and if Marasco scores a goal, turns into his new alter-ego “Robo Marasco” and does this:

Not only will those celly points be mine, but it will legit be the greatest moment of my life.

Devitte: Fine. This next pick is going to shock everyone, including the guy I’m using it on. But first I need to address that his name is wrong in the roster sheet. I’m picking Matt Bocklet, not the eldest Bocklet, first of his name: Mike. Yes, Matt this is my official olive branch to end our nearly decade long feud. Just kidding, this is a curse pick. A HEX ON YOU AND YOUR HOUSE! A POX ON YOU! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! (But, seriously. Matt Bocklet is the only guy left that could get me groundball stats so I don’t have much of a choice.) You guys do know that Ratliff and White are on the same team in this game, right?

Rosenthall: Oh man, I can’t wait to see Matt Bocklet run up to a ground ball and start kicking it around instead of picking it up, just because he read this article and decided he doesn’t want you to get the .5 points. The announcers will be like “What is he doing?” But we’ll know, and it’ll be fantastic.

McEwen: Did you know John Haus has 25 goals and is top 10 in the league in that department? Amazing that he ends up being the last midfielder off the board. But, that’s the tricky part about an All-Star Game fantasy draft; the talent pool is just so deep. And I don’t want Rosie and his Baum/Bomb pun to be the only one included.

Rosenthall: I still need a goalie, and there is no goalie better than John Galloway, another proud alum of my 2015 squad that won it all last year (in case I hadn’t mentioned that we won it all last year). Galloway’s leading the league in both GAA (11.82) and save percentage (57%), but that’s not news to anyone - the real news was when he took over the Jacksonville program last month. I was surprised to hear he was allowed to do it this early, but he’s already held the team’s first practice, and he wisely posted it on YouTube so recruits all over could see.

Devitte: Tyler Fiorito has 162 saves this season. That is an absurd number and totally justifies the price that Boston had to pay Chesapeake to get him into a Cannons uniform. I want a guy that just delivers game in and game out. He has no chance at the highly coveted best celly bonus, but I don’t care. He’s going to do work between the pipes because he doesn’t know how to do anything else.

McEwen: Kyle, you know that since Rosie and I both already picked goalies, you could have just waited and picked one last because we can’t pick two of them. However, your mistake is my gain because no one has taken a face-off guy yet which is going to leave me getting first pick of the group. I know that he missed time with a broken foot, but he’s still the Beast and thus Greg Gurenlian is the pick here. Sources close to him have confirmed that he will be playing in the game and that’s all I needed to hear. I’m still waiting for one of the FOA groups that he coaches to nickname themselves the Beastie Boys as a play on his nickname and the band. How has this not already happened? Is it too obvious and they all thought about it, but decided against it? Am I overestimating the ability of groups of high schoolers to know about the Beastie Boys?

Rosenthall: Joe Fletcher probably isn’t scoring a goal in this game, and he’s definitely not getting those celly points, but the man can scoop GBs better than anyone (who’s still around) can. Last year I posted a “Naked Gun” clip for Fletcher since I hadn’t seen “Fletch,” and since I still haven’t seen “Fletch,” here ya go:

McEwen: Speaking of Joe Fletcher, did you know that the Bachelorette from this past season was named Joelle Fletcher? I didn’t realize that until a week or two ago and have wanted to find an excuse to point out that their names are really similar ever since.

Devitte: This is no time to start talking Bachelorette. Save it for the podcast, I have a special guest lined up. Also, we weren’t sleeping on you taking a FOGO Patrick; we just wanted to see if you would take Beast. Can I take Joe Nardella? I know he’s not playing, but I feel like he’s going to show up and hit all the FOA guys with a chair and then walk up to Puskuldjian like he’s next, but then they both start laughing and they run out to take all the draws themselves. I think I’ll go with the Shawn Michaels of this FOA/Degeneration X metaphor mash-up and grab Chris Mattes. He may not have any signature sweet chin music, but he is definitely the Heartbreak Kid after joining the Maryland coaching staff. (Too soon? Too soon…)

McEwen: Down to my last pair of picks, it’s finally time to grab an attackman. Of the three, I’m most confident in Joey Sankey to create looks as a 1v1 dodger. Plus, he got shut out in last year’s All-Star Game, so you have to imagine he doesn’t want that to happen again.

Rosenthall: Man, somewhere Brendan Fowler is super angry that Chris Mattes got that Shawn Michaels title. Time to let the hair grow back out, Brendan. Speaking of FOGOs, I’m taking Greg Puskuldjian, which gives my squad a total of three Ohio players. What’s that? Somebody say Ohio Players?

Devitte: I’ll roll with Michael Ehrhardt. I would have loved to have taken Jackson Place in this spot, but he hasn’t crossed the midfield line since Taylor Swift starting dating Loki. Ehrhardt is that big body shooter that loves to get the ball right at the midfield line and storm forward. I need to show some love to the Hounds, who are listed in the first place spot in the standings due to the league office not understanding how tiebreakers work.

McEwen: Speaking of things that Brendan Fowler is angry with, I hope we didn’t just collectively doomed ourselves by leaving him as the undrafted face-off guy. He’s still motivated by the lack of football scholarship offers from college coaches back when he was in high school. He’s probably going to go 13 of 15 with 11 ground balls, 2 goals and win the MVP because we didn’t pick him.

With regard to this final pick, if Kevin Rice were still playing in this game, I probably would have gone with Randy Staats. However, Staats is only a rookie and so I’m going to go with Eric Law as the final pick of the draft.

My one goal during this was to find a way to work in this Vine of Blaze Riorden dancing on the sideline during a Rattlers game, but I failed. So here it is anyways as a monument to my failure.





Team No Limit Soldiers (Chris Rosenthall)

Attack: Rob Pannell

Attack: Marcus Holman

Midfield: Joe Walters

Midfield: Peter Baum

Midfield: Ned Crotty

Midfield: Jojo Marasco

Defense: Brian Karalunas

Defense: Joe Fletcher

Face-off: Greg Puskuldjian

Goalie: John Galloway

Team Devitte (Shut up. I am bad at naming things).

Attack: Will Manny

Attack: Kieran McArdle

Midfield: Tom Schreiber

Midfield: Paul Rabil

Midfield: Matt Abbott

Midfield: Jeremy Sieverts

Defense: Matt Bocklet

Defense: Michael Ehrhardt

Face-off: Chris Mattes

Goalie: Tyler Fiorito

Team LaxFilmRoom

Attack: Joey Sankey

Attack: Eric Law

Midfield: Drew Snider

Midfield: Connor Buczek

Midfield: Mike Chanenchuk

Midfield: John Haus

Defense: Scott Ratliff

Defense: Joel White

Face-off: Greg Gurenlian

Goalie: Scott Rodgers

Make sure to tune in to the Major League Lacrosse All-Star Game on CBS Sports Network this Saturday at 7 p.m. EST.