The gaming groundhog sticks his head from his hole, goes to Blockbuster and sees: F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin (360).

Most people associate F.E.A.R. with Alma, the creepy little girl who gets bloody footprints everywhere and sets shit on fire. But F.E.A.R. is really about one thing: slow motion head-shot porn. I probably won’t cover this quickly approaching game, but if I did, the article would probably go something like:

3:05 – Shot a guy in the face, awesome!

3:05 – Yeah, shot his face in the ass, woo!

3:06 – Hey, did it again! Ow!

…

8:05 – Shot dude face.

8:06 – Ditto.

8:10 – facshot

Well, that’s covered. I give it a C! What else?

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (360) – You’re a chick in a bikini killing zombies. I’d rather be a zombie in a bikini killing chicks. But at least this is weird and Japanese.

Deadly Creatures (Wii) – Now we’re talking. One on one fights between real life animals: Rattlesnake vs Tarantula; Gila Monster vs Wasp. Don’t let a rainy day get between you and sadism. You + Me + Dead Animals = Wiiiiiiiiii!

Flower (PS3) – Oh, you’re like this beautiful flower in a pretty field and you shoot pollen everywhere and it, like, blows around to other flowers and makes new flowers! And that new flower is you, and you’re like, so beautiful. And you bloom and the sun is like “Yeah, awesome!” And then like, a little girl comes and puts her sweet, soft fingers on you and you say “Yaaaay! Wait…Hey! Oh god, NO! Stop pulling, oh JESUS, I’m ripping! AAAAAGHHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!”

Flowers, little girls and animals? Spring is near, it’s nearly here! So there will be a lot of new stuff to cover. But since we have a few days until the shit hits the shelves, let’s take one last deep whiff of winter, in the form of Fallout 3. [Keep in mind, this will not be a video game review in a critical sense. If you want to know what is good or bad about Fallout 3, check out Rick Rucker’s excellent review here. If you’re up for a rivetig personal tour of the game, read on! —Ed.]

*Press Start*

A light flickers on and “I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire” begins. “I just want to start a flame in your heart.” There’s a plastic hula dancer on the dash of a bombed bus, toys in the seats, and a sign says “Brighter Future Under Ground!” Get it? Get it?! Then we see a bombed DC, a big robot with a gun, and Fallout 3!

“Blood has been spilled in the name of everything from God, to justice, to simple psychotic rage.”

“But war, war never changes.”

What? Did it always have huge gun-toting robots and super mutants?

Ah, finally! Some real information. I was born in a vault underground! No one ever enters, and no one ever leaves!

Holy cow, my blood is all over the screen and I’m a crying baby! A doctor asks if I’m a boy or a girl while looking at my privates.

Jesus, how embarrassing. You’re supposed to be the doctor, asshole.

“Welcome to escapist fantasy, where your penis is so small, it might qualify as a vagina!” At least now I know why I want to destroy this world.

Anyway, the game asks me to pick a gender, so I choose “Male”.

Liam Neeson is telling a lady that he has a son. Holy shit, Liam Neeson is my dad. He says he and my mother have been discussing names, and what do I think of “Blank”. Ooh, I get to fill it in! I can be whoever I want. I need to compensate for this whole penis issue, so I’ll be Pole Johnson. Next I can choose my race and alter my face. I make myself African American, which should give me at least a +12 to penis size. But now my name isn’t right. I back out, add a “De”, and “DePole Johnson” is born. Perfect!

My mom says I look “strapping.” That’s more like it! Everyone is looking at me with pride. My mom is so impressed, she has a heart attack and dies.

Now I’m in a nursery, and a black man is telling me to walk to him with Liam Neeson’s voice. Wow, Neeson has the whitest voice ever. “I know you don’t like it when daddy leaves you alone, but you need to take care of yourself for awhile.” At least he walks the walk.