







Since I recently put up a job posting to hire a (W)horoscope writer and/or cult member , I decided to do some astrology research. I want to make sure I hire someone who knows their shit. I figured what better place was there to find legitimate information than Reddit? But as I dove into the pool of knowledge that is the Astrology subreddit, fear paralyzed my body. When I finally got back to my senses, I immediately went to work for you.





Being the astute journalist that I am, I decided to keep my writings short to get the FACTS out immediately. Below, I share my findings:

"...so while the calamities themselves may come and go (i.e. Australian bushfires, Iran bombing, etc), the energy of the conjunction itself may stay for a while."

Wait, wait, wait...Are you telling me bad things will continue to happen? Like, forever? Jesus fucking Christ...I guess I never really thought about it that deep. What a dunce I've been. All the proof in the world was right there in front of me, and I ignored it. Just think about it: Bad things have happened in the 1920s, 1930s, 1940s, 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, 1990s...well maybe not the 1990s...2000s, 2010s, and now the 2020s.





OH FUCK! Has anyone cared to mention this to NASA?

Yo, I think we have to blow up Saturn.

My doctor diagnosed me with crippling depression in 2009, but I think it was my body warning me

"You do not sound dumb." -Private_Eyes90210





So you're saying fear-mongering, panic, and warnings from the CDC are foreshadowing what could come?

"on March 22, expect for the virus to "get real" right around then."

"then on March 26, it may "get personal"

Real.......AND personal?





"the moon will conjunct Uranus."

Then Mars moves into Aquarius on March 30 and immediately conjuncts Saturn. Likely that's when things start breaking down. For instance, maybe your local grocery store shuts down, or they just don't have the stuff you want.

Like what stuff, WarringtonJeffreys? You can't just leave me in the dark like this.

















Oh...well that's not so bad. I knew this whole thing was overblown. June, guys. Could someone tell Dr. Fauci we're just waiting for the retrograde?







