It’s about time you worked out what it is you want in life, says Mariella. But the onus is on you to conduct yourself with decency

The dilemma I have an unhealthy habit of starting relationships with women, reaching about the 18-month mark and then fleeing. The first 12 months are always amazing and then I start to grow bored. I’ve just broken up with a woman I love, because I was too scared to commit to the idea of spending the rest of my life with her. I had a one-night stand about a month before we broke up, which I used to justify the end of our relationship. She is heartbroken and I feel terrible. I just want her to be happy, but I think she still loves me. Is it worth trying to patch our relationship up and change my mindset? If not, how can I help my ex move on? I’m scared I will continue this cycle of infatuation, romance and break-up until I’m too old, and only then will I finally settle for someone.

Mariella replies If only you were unique. It’s been nearly two decades since I last voyaged in the dating world, but your letter suggests things haven’t changed much. There still appears to exist a clear dividing line between those genuinely engaged in the search for a compatible partner and those for whom that connection is something to flee in fear. We’re conditioned to believe that the normal thing to do is to embrace longevity, gaining pleasure from familiarity and the liberation from the partner hunt. But there are plenty who thrive on the adrenaline of the chase and the delight of discovery, losing interest once heightened emotions pale. You appear to be firmly in the latter camp among those, particularly under 40, who are allergic to any form of routine or commitment.

The world would be a boring place if we were all the same and if you spend life pivoting on an emotional pinnacle it’s absolutely your choice. Just because we invented monogamy to ensure greater stability among the populace doesn’t mean it’s prescriptive. There are all sorts of satisfying ways to live and I’d hate to sit in judgment on an individual’s right to self-expression. As with all things the trick is to know yourself and analyse your desires rather than simply acting on impulse. It’s that ability for contemplating the why of our behaviour that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. It’s always a surprise to me that we don’t take advantage of that tool more often, particularly in the field of love.

I suspect that one day soon you’ll fall head over heels with someone who’ll treat you in similar fashion

My sense is that you’re already a mature (ish) man, so it’s probably about time you worked out what it is you actually want in life. It’s worth trying to understand whether you are being true to yourself in your flight from less heightened relationships, or whether your impulses are influenced by less benign forces. The greatest burden as a parent is realising how much of your child’s behaviour in adulthood will be traced back to their formative years. There are acceptable reasons to engage in a relationship driven just by passion and plenty more for not clinging desperately on to security when romance is dead. Yet both, and all positions in-between, are often hard-wired in us from our earliest days, so we barely register them as desires, let alone dysfunctions.

Liberated as we are from the shackles of religion and societal expectation, it’s imperative that we couple that liberation with old-fashioned virtues, such as contemplation and moral responsibility. It’s never been easier to choose your own path, but that means flagging up your philosophy (and emotional shortcomings) to prospective partners becomes obligatory. Some may foolishly see your position as a challenge to their powers of seduction, but the more sensible will register the amber light. The onus is on you to conduct yourself with decency.

Definitely don’t return to your ex in some misguided attempt to put her out of her misery. She may still have feelings for you, but she’ll recover, move on and eventually relegate you to a file of bad romantic choices. It’s not your place to assist her “recuperation” and rather patronising of you to assume that role. It’s also worth reconsidering your approach to breaking up. If you don’t want to continue a relationship, there should be no shame, but having a one-night stand is an unacceptable route.

Wilfully causing emotional pain to others is a very good reason to seriously evaluate your behaviour. The good news is you won’t be trapped in this cycle forever and it won’t necessarily be because you give in to the last woman standing to stave off a lonely old age. Instead I suspect that one day soon you’ll fall head over heels with someone who’ll treat you in similar fashion. Perhaps only then will you understand that being unwilling to settle down and riding roughshod over other people’s feelings are two very different things.

All is fair in love and war, as the saying goes, and if you embark on a relationship in honesty and live up to your doubts about your ability to commit, no one need be left feeling damaged. I suspect you rush in like the impetuous Romeo, declaring yourself for all you are worth, raising expectations of epic romance to dizzying heights before dropping your lovers the second you sense conquest is complete. We both know that’s unreconstructed behaviour and a path to misery for all concerned. So I’m very glad to see that you’re contemplating a change in your approach.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1