‘My name is Maya’: Houston Jewish family shares their 6-year old child's transgender journey

JHV: MICHAEL C. DUKE On her first day at school, dressed as a girl this past December, Maya Stanton wore a blue dress that she continues to enjoy.

When Maya Stanton’s parents allowed their young child to transition gender from boy to girl, they initially were torn: Do they sit shiva and mourn the loss of their son? Or, should they celebrate the fact that they now have a daughter?



As it happened, Maya’s parents experienced both emotions, they admitted, as the transition was made over winter break this past school year. Looking back, however, they feel confident that they made the right decision, both for their family and, especially, for their daughter, who is now 6 years old and starting kindergarten this fall.



“Our child is so much happier and healthier, emotionally, mentally and physically, now that she has transitioned,” said Maya’s mother, Lisa Stanton.



Maya’s father, Jeffrey Stanton, agreed: “Since she has been able to be a girl, everything has changed,” he said.



“She doesn’t cry as much now – she used to be very emotional and had so much anxiety,” Jeff said. “She would bite her fingernails all the way down and lick around her upper and lower lips so much that the skin stayed red and irritated.



“She no longer does that,” he said. “Plus, Maya is more willing to play with other kids now and is much more outgoing.”



Maya’s parents said the transition was a hard decision to make, in part, because of their child’s young age.



“This was a long and thoughtful process, where so many experts were consulted,” Lisa told the JHV on July 27, shortly after the family convinced a judge to grant Maya a legal name change. “Every doctor that we’ve seen, from her pediatrician to a neurologist to an endocrinologist to therapists, all agreed that this is the right thing to do for our child – to allow her to self-determine.”



Maya said she has always understood herself to be a girl.



“I used to wear boy clothes, but I wanted to dress like a girl, because I am a girl,” Maya told the JHV. “One day, I told Mommy I want to be a girl and I want to change my name.



“We did that and it made me really happy,” she said.



As Maya’s parents met with doctors and gender-identity experts, they learned that trans youth who face rejection and repression are far more likely to attempt suicide and self-harm.



According to the latest National Transgender Discrimination Survey, rates of suicide attempts among transgender people, over a lifetime, can exceed 60 percent. When risk factors, such as rejection, discrimination and violence are mitigated, and a child is allowed to transition in adolescence, suicide rates can drop below 5 percent, Maya’s parents learned.



Faced with such statistics, the Stantons considered the decision to allow their child to transition gender as a matter of life or death.



“If you’re told to choose door number 1 or door number 2, and door number 2 leads to nearly 70 percent certain death, what are you going to choose as a parent?” Lisa said.





‘Josh at the time’



Maya, though only 6 years old, is keenly self-aware of who she is and how she got to where she is, today.



Her parents, thus, are deliberate and forthright in their choice of language used to speak about their daughter, prior to her transition.



Maya has a fraternal twin brother named Max. Because Maya was born with male anatomy, like her brother, her parents initially named her Joshua. When discussing those early years, Maya’s parents refer to her as “Josh at the time.”



From the outset, Lisa and Jeff noticed differences in their twins: Josh at the time took little interest in so-called toys for boys, such as trucks, and, instead, gravitated toward dolls and the like during play dates.



“When the kids were really little, we had a sleepover in Galveston with our best friends, who have a little girl,” Lisa said. “It was time to get the kids into pajamas for bed and their daughter was given a Little Mermaid nightgown to wear.



“Josh at the time became hysterical that he couldn’t have the same nightgown that she had,” Lisa said. “All I could say was: ‘I’m sorry, I don’t have one of those for you.’ ”



As the twins began preschool at Becker Early Childhood Center at Congregation Emanu El, it was more of the same. Josh at the time loved putting on dress-up clothes, especially princess dresses, each day in the toddlers’ class. Lisa, who worked at the synagogue then, said it became a running joke to see what the “fashion show” would be that day.



As Lisa recalled the memory, Maya shared her own feelings.



“I wish I could have worn girl clothes then, but I didn’t get to,” Maya said.



Lisa responded to her daughter, “You could get dress-up clothes at school, but Mommy and Daddy didn’t buy any girl clothes then, because we got all hand-me-downs from Mommy’s cousins. So, we weren’t looking to buy any clothes at all, much less girl clothes.



“And, we thought you were a boy then, so we didn’t know,” Lisa said.



Maya replied, “You need to know I wanted to wear girl’s clothes.”



Her mother said, “Thank you. Now I know.”





Persistent & consistent



By 2 years old, Josh at the time “persistently and constantly” was asking for girl clothes and toys, and was creating makeshift girl outfits for dress up at home, Lisa recalled.



The Disney film, “Frozen,” was popular at the time, so the Stantons, following advice from a friend, went out and bought a related costume and other princess dresses to have at home. Up till then, the parents were responding mostly to visual cues, they noted.



A turning point came when their 3-year-old began to verbalize questions about anatomy.



Josh at the time had observed differences in male and female genitalia. In doing so, the 3-year-old commented that all babies are born boys, but girls eventually have their penises fall off. Josh at the time asked Lisa: “When is mine going to fall off?”



When Lisa explained that it doesn’t work like that, unlike, say, losing a baby tooth, Josh at the time became distraught.



Believing that their son could be gay, Lisa and Jeff recognized that they needed help to further engage in such conversations. The parents employed a children’s book on anatomy as a teaching tool.



“When I tried to use that as a tool, there were even more questions and more distraught crying over the understanding that ‘when I grow up, this is what I’m going to look like,’ ” Lisa said. “And, there were questions like: ‘What do you mean I won’t have breasts?’



“At this point, Jeff and I agreed that we needed to see a doctor, because we didn’t feel equipped to give the correct responses,” she said.





Initial diagnosis



After seeing a specialist at Texas Children’s Hospital, Marni Axelrad, Ph.D., Josh at the time received the initial diagnosis of “gender non-conforming or gender-creative.”



The parents learned, through meeting with doctors, that they had given off non-verbal cues, though unintentionally, suggesting that they did not approve of their child wanting to be a girl. As a result, Josh at the time was unable to come out and state to Lisa and Jeff that she wanted to be a girl, they learned.



The parents also learned that the diagnosis of gender non-conforming falls on a spectrum, and that in some cases, children who report these identities in youth then revert as they get older. Nevertheless, it was more likely than not that Josh at the time was either gay or trans, they suspected.



Through months of therapy, Josh at the time was able to verbalize feelings to Lisa and Jeff. Conversely, the parents grew more confident in how to respond.



Those skills were tested over Rosh Hashanah that year. Josh at the time wanted to wear a princess dress to synagogue services. Lisa and Jeff insisted that both twins wear suits. With help from Dr. Axelrad, the parents were able to explain why certain clothes are appropriate, or not, for certain occasions.



“We didn’t make the issue about gender, we just said this is the type of thing we wear when we go to temple,” Lisa said.



Meanwhile, Josh at the time was given free rein to pick out clothes worn at home. The parents were advised by specialists to let their child lead.



“The doctors said don’t offer anything,” Lisa said. “You let them ask. You let them self-determine.”



And so, the Stantons did, going forward.





‘Goodnight boys & girls’



By this time, the twins were 4½ and had enrolled in The Shlenker School. During that first year, the Stantons informed school administration of their child’s gender non-conforming diagnosis.



In addition to previous behaviors, Josh at the time began to draw pictures that self-expressed a feminine identity, Lisa noted. At the same time, the child voiced a growing aversion to having male genitalia.



“At the beginning of the school year, I was tucking them in bed at night and said what I always used to say to them, something that ended with: ‘Goodnight, boys, sleep tight,’ ” Lisa recalled. “Josh at the time then said: ‘Can you say, ‘Goodnight, boys and girls?’ ”



This request, too, marked a turning point in the parents’ understanding of their child’s needs, Lisa noted.



As Halloween approached that year, the family was invited to a party where the children would decorate cookies. Josh at the time wanted to wear a new princess costume for the occasion; however, Jeff didn’t want the costume to get ruined by messy cookie icing, given that the dress would be worn a week later on Halloween for trick-or-treating.



Similar to the outcome at Rosh Hashanah, Josh at the time reacted with strong emotions to what was interpreted by the child as repression. At a therapy session a week later, the 5-year-old expressed the desire to no longer have to dress like a boy.



“We left that appointment and went straight to Target and bought some new outfits, including the blue dress Maya has on now, which is what she wore on her first day of school, dressing as a girl,” Lisa said.



By early December, the parents knew their child was transgender. During a meeting with the therapist, the Stantons learned about the increased risk of suicide among transgender people who suffer rejection, discrimination and violence in their adolescence. After that meeting, the decision was made to give Josh at the time the freedom to wear girl clothes to school.



“The doctor said it’s really important for her to experiment in doing this and feel her tolerance for the discomfort of people’s rejection, but also for her to know that even though she feels that rejection, it’s still worth it to her to try,” Lisa said.



The following morning, Josh at the time went to school wearing a dress. Lisa also brought a change of boy clothes, just in case.



“I never thought I’d feel this way, but when we got out of the car, my heart was racing and I thought in my head: ‘Everyone is looking at us,’ ” Lisa said. “We walked into the entrance of the school and there was another little girl going in with her dad … and she yelled out: ‘Josh is in a girl’s dress!’ and giggled and pointed.”



Josh at the time suddenly disappeared under Lisa’s hemline and refused to come out. Max, meanwhile, was tugging at his mother’s hand to get him to class. Another parent read the situation and offered to take Max. Lisa then scooped up her wounded child and retreated to the school office.





‘Be quiet! Be nice!’



During a long meeting, the school counselor helped Josh at the time stem the flow of tears and voice a fear of other children in the school laughing at the new appearance.



Leaving school wasn’t an option that day, but changing into boy’s clothes was. Josh at the time declined the latter and ultimately decided to carry on as planned, dressed as a girl.



“We walked into the library at the end of Kabbalat Shabbat, right before story time, and the whole grade was in there,” Lisa said. “There was a very audible reaction, with comments like: ‘Ah, Josh is in a dress!’ and lots of giggles.”



Josh at the time ran over to a teacher, crawled onto her lap and faced inward with hands covering the face. Max, upset by what occurred, stood up and told the group: “Shhhh! Be quiet! Don’t be mean to my brother!” Be nice!”



Max then ran over to Josh at the time, grabbed his twin’s hands and proceeded to kiss them.



“That was literally the worst parenting moment of my life and the best, because I saw confirmation that they have a special relationship and would always look out for each other,” Lisa said. “At the same time, I witnessed how cruel things can be and how much adversity Maya was going to have to face.



“It’s hard, because you can’t protect them from that,” Lisa said.



Lisa and Maya both began to cry as they recalled the scene.



“I’m happy crying,” Maya told the JHV. “My happiest moment was when Max stood up for me.”



According to Max, he always knew his twin was going to be a girl.





New name



The Stantons praised Shlenker teachers and leaders for handling their family’s needs with great care and attention throughout Maya’s transition process. The parents also expressed gratitude toward the many parents at the school who have reached out to them.



“When we decided to change Josh’s name to Maya, we went to the school and told them what we were doing,” Lisa said. “Immediately, no questions asked, Shlenker changed everything for us.



“They really do what’s right for kids,” she added. “They only ever made my child feel loved. … I felt like they always had our backs.”



Choosing a new name for their child required sensitivity, according to Maya’s parents.



Maya didn’t want a girl’s name that started with the letter “J,” she said, because it might be too easily confused with Josh, plus, it would remind her of challenges past.



As the child explained this point, her mother noted that Maya, over the past few months, had begun to purge their house of old photographs and reminders of her former identity. To illustrate the point, Maya disappeared during the interview with the JHV and returned holding an empty, hand-painted picture frame that Josh at the time had made at school for Lisa as a Mother’s Day gift. Maya noted that a photo of her as a boy had been removed, yet a name painted on back of the frame still reads: “Josh.”



Maya agreed to the suggestion that a new photograph, of Maya, be made for the frame.



“When I close my eyes, I can hear a voice that says: ‘You’re Josh,’ ” Maya said. “That makes me sad, because I know I’m Maya.”



Maya’s parents let her choose her new name from a list the family made. The child’s original name, Joshua Mason, was chosen in memory of Maya’s great-grandparents. It, thus, was important to Jeff and Lisa that those connections be preserved. In order to honor Maya’s request not to have a “J” name, the family agreed to reverse the initials to M.J.: Maya Juliana.



“The day she got her new name, Maya went around the house saying: ‘Maya Juliana. My name is Maya, Maya Juliana,’ and was spinning around and twirling,” Lisa said.



Later that evening, Maya sat down with her parents and practiced writing her new name.





Grieving process



Lisa said her husband accepted Maya for who she is since day one.



“You think dads are the ones who typically would have more resistance to a situation like this, but not Jeff,” Lisa said. “Even when we thought Josh was just gay, Jeff never missed a beat.



“He’s such an amazing dad and is truly the best person I know,” Lisa said. “This experience has made me more in love with him than ever.”



For Lisa, however, she admitted that it was a more challenging process.



“I fell into a deep depression and then I was very hard on myself for feeling so depressed,” she said. “I consider myself to be progressive and open-minded and accepting of everyone, so I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset, why I couldn’t wrap my head around this when it was my own child.”



To battle this depression, Lisa said she sought help through therapy and anti-depressant medication. She also began sharing with other parents who have gone through similar experiences. In doing so, she learned that her reaction was not caused by rejection of their transgender child, but, instead, was grief.



“I had two boys, I had twin boys, and I imagined a life for those two boys,” Lisa said. “By allowing myself to grieve, I’ve been able to let go of that, and now I’m able to enjoy having a daughter and discovering all the fun things that go with that.”





Public school



As positive as the family’s experience had been at Shlenker, the Stantons made the tough decision to leave the Jewish day school at the end of last term, for financial reasons, and plan to send the twins to public school beginning this fall.



Part of the decision relates to Max, who was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and developmental disabilities, shortly after the twins’ premature birth. Large public school districts simply have more resources and available services for children with disabilities, compared to small day schools, the Stantons learned.



In advance of the move, Lisa met with the principal at their public school to inform the administration of Maya’s needs.



To her dismay, Lisa was told that Maya would have to use the nurse’s station any time she needed to go to the bathroom. After Maya’s parents researched the district’s policy on such matters, Lisa requested a second meeting with the principal, who seemed to backpedal on the initial response, Lisa noted.



According to district guidelines, Houston-area schools are required to follow a child’s sex, as it’s recorded on one’s birth certificate.



Anticipating potential problems that such a policy would invite, especially if the Texas Legislature decides to adopt a controversial “bathroom bill” that seeks to restrict access to public bathrooms for transgender people, including children at public schools, Maya’s parents quickly moved to secure a legal name change for their daughter.





Court case



According to known data, Texas is home to 125,000 transgender adults, plus some 14,000 additional transgender youth. At the current rate, Texas courts are approving fewer than 50 requests per year to issue new birth certificates to transgender Texans. Texas’ Department of State Health Services then requires transgender residents to obtain a certified court order that directs the state to change the initial sex designation on one’s birth certificate.



“It’s harder in Texas to change your name or to adopt a pet than it is to buy a gun,” Lisa said.



In order to legally change Maya’s name, the Stantons had to hire a lawyer – Phyllis Frye, who was the country’s first openly transgender judge – who then had to find a sitting judge in another Texas county who would agree to hear their case.



In June, the Stantons traveled with Frye and seven other transgender Texans and their families to meet with one of the few judges left on a county bench, today, who hasn’t lost to a primary challenger after agreeing to hear transgender cases.



Due to a last-minute family emergency, the judge scheduled to hear Maya’s case was forced to cancel. As a result, Maya and the rest of the group were moved to the next available docket. That judge agreed to hear the other cases, which involved transgender teens and adults who petitioned for name changes. But, because Maya was 6 years old, the judge refused to hear her case.



Not to be deterred, Frye and the Stantons then proceeded to walk up and down the courthouse hallways in search of a judge who, at the very least, would hear their case. Eventually, they found one who did.



The judge raised doubt, due to Maya’s age: “What if she changes her mind?” the judge said. Maya’s parents explained that the decision wasn’t made lightly and that they had spent years consulting with experts. “Why the urgency to change her name now?” the judge asked. The Stantons expressed safety concerns for their daughter, should she be barred from using bathrooms at school designated only for girls, according to one’s birth certificate.



The Stantons also cited the dramatic shift in Maya’s personality, engendered by her transition. Max was present at the hearing and chiming in.



“My sister was sad before and now she is happy,” Max told the judge. “Now that she’s a girl, she’s happy, so you have to make her name Maya, so she’ll be happy all the time.”



Jeff was moved to tears. The judge turned to him and asked, “Dad, are you on board with this?”



“I just want my child to be happy and healthy,” Jeff responded. “If being a girl makes her feel whole, we’ll do anything we can to make that happen.”



After much consideration, the judge approved Maya’s name-change request. Leaving the judge’s chambers, Lisa rounded the corner and gave a thumbs up to the rest of their group, who erupted in cheers.



Outside the courthouse, Lisa was approached by one of the transgender adults in the group who also received a court-approved name change that day. The woman, a Vietnam War veteran, told Lisa that she waited until her parents had died to make her own transition. The woman then hugged Lisa and said, “It’s really great that you’re letting your child be who she is.”





‘Change hearts & minds’



The Stantons were torn over whether or not to speak publicly about Maya’s journey. Ultimately, they decided to do so in an effort to bring awareness to such issues within the Jewish community, they noted.



“The best way to remove stigma is by talking openly about things,” Lisa said.



The family also decided to go public out of a desire to help other families who face similar circumstances.



“When we were grappling with this, we didn’t know anyone who was going through anything remotely similar with a child as young as ours,” Lisa said. “Having a support system is crucial, so, by telling our story, we’re offering to be a resource to anyone in the future who might need it.”



Texas’ proposed bathroom bill was another motivating factor.



Even though Maya was granted a legal name change, she currently cannot obtain a gender-marker change on her actual birth certificate, without proof from a doctor that she has undergone confirmation surgery – a requirement mandated by state law.



“That’s why the [bathroom] bill is so scary,” Maya’s mother said. “Even with her new name and appearance, she would be required to use the boys restroom or a bathroom in the nurse’s station if this legislation were to go through.”



Lisa added, “My daughter’s life hangs in the balance in a system where others can legislate what name my child goes by and what bathrooms at school she’s allowed to use and not use.



“This is a safety issue on so many levels,” she said.



At the risk of losing anonymity, the Stantons said they were compelled to speak out.



“I don’t think we can forgive ourselves if we don’t stand up,” Lisa said. “We can’t depend on other people to change hearts and minds if we’re not willing to.



“We want Maya to look back and be proud that we fought for her,” her mother said.



Maya’s father added, “We want to do what’s best for our kids – give them everything they need, not everything they want.



“Maya didn’t want this. She needed it. This is truly who she is,” Jeff said.



Despite their progress on this journey, the family continues to struggle with certain questions, including one posed by Maya.



“Why did G-d put me in the wrong body?” Maya repeatedly has asked her parents.



Despite having faith in G-d and having strong connections with their Judaism, Maya’s parents said they still have not found answers to that

question.



