It’s stating the obvious to say that the worst thing about the internet is the horde of morons that populate it (present company excluded, of course). I will admit to antagonising these sad excuses for human beings for my own amusement in the past. What can I say? As a kid I used to stir up ant’s nests.

But no more. I’m done with these losers. I refuse to even acknowledge their pathetic attempts at insults until they make a decent effort. They may never reach the standard of the classics listed below but I’m not going to indulge people who don’t even try.

There really was a time when insults had class.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” —

Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” —

Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” —

Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” —

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time in reading it.” —

Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —

Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” —

Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” —

Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —

Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend… if you have one.” —

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” —

Winston Churchill, in response

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” —

Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” —

Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” —

Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” —

Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” —

Jack E. Leonard

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” —

James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” —

Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” —

Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever…” —

Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts… for support rather than illumination. ” —

Andrew Lang

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —

Billy Wilder

UPDATE

Wow, Reddit is doing funny things to my blog again. I’m glad so many people are enjoying this post but it means it’s impractical to respond to all the comments (which is what I’d usually do). Although I will be reading all comments. Speaking of comments, are the people leaving incredibly lame insults in response to this post indulging is some through-the-looking-glass meta-irony? Or are they really, really stupid?

My favourite is the people saying this list exists somewhere else, as if that’s some huge revelation. Really? Some of the most notable people in history have been quoted before? Wow, that’s a shocker! I’ll be the first to admit that this blog post is almost no work on my part. The work is actually in the video.

As I say in the video, I saw the the collection posted to a mailing list from my old college. It happened to fit in exactly with how I was feeling about YouTube in particular. I thought I’d make a video version that would be appreciated by people I knew were constantly suffering stupid harrassment on YT.

The blog post was, in all seriousness, an afterthought. I was posting the video before I went to bed and when I checked the time I realised it was Friday morning in the US. I thought to myself “who wants to work on a Friday? – I’ll give everyone a little time waster.” It seems it was appreciated by most, which is nice. To the tools who want to whine and bitch to try and distract themselves from their own inadequacies… ah screw it, just imagine I said something as clever as one of the above to you.

SECOND UPDATE

I was asked about the music accompanying the video. This is my angryaussie theme music, done for me by another YouTuber, nsgmusic. He has his own site at www.nsg-music.com and if you really like the angryaussie theme you can actually download it for free here.