The almighty Sheev has returned to bestow his knowledge and wisdom regarding the primary elections, Batman v Superman, and of course St. Patrick’s Day! See what advice the Emperor has given after the jump!

Sheev,

How much green beer is too much?

-Yogi B.

Yoda B.,

There is no such thing as “too much” beer, my little… green… friend.

Hola Sheevo,

I’m new to the US from Mexico and I see everyone is celebrating St. Patrick’s Day even though most are not of Irish descent. Can you explain what the point is?

Gracias, Pablo

Hablo,

Americans celebrate St. Patrick’s Day for the same reason they celebrate your “Cinco De Mayo.” To get incredibly belligerently drunk in public and have it be socially acceptable.

D. Sidious,

My lightsaber turned green today. Should I be concerned? Normally people call me for help, but this time I could use your wisdom. Please help me.

D. Maul

St. Maul,

At last you can reveal yourselves to the Irish. At last you can have your revenge.

Dear Sheeverus,

Is Episode VIII going to feature leprechauns? I know they are filming in Ireland, so I can imagine Rian Johnson will be casting some locals. Do you have any advice insofar as dealing with the magic little guys?

-Lucky

Lucy,

I have foreseen both Jawas and Ugnaughts in the upcoming Episode VIII so I’m sure Leprechauns will be trying out for a role. It’s best to let them eat the “marshmallows” out of your breakfast cereal to earn their trust.

Dear Sheev,

I’m feeling the Bern. This is a problem.

-D. Drumpf

Lord Trump,

Do not let Colonel Sanders’ socialist ways and fried chicken sway your vote. Listen to the Force, trust your instincts.

Sheev,

My friend told me to rub shamrocks all over my body for good luck. I did but now I can’t stop itching and my skin is burning. What should I do?

-Itchy

Scratchy,

Whatever you do, avoid Obi-Wan Kenobi. He tends to think the best way to cure a friend is by dipping them in lava. Surely you must know this will not help. Go to your local Target and pick up some burn ointment, only then will the burning stop.

Dear Emperor Sheev,

Are you #TeamBatman or #TeamSuperman?

-Z. Snyder

Zachary,

Hashtag Team Gal Gadot… mmmm.

Sheev,

I think Lobot is about to go public with my crimes against humanity. How can I best silence him forever since I am running for supreme chancellor?

-L. Calrissian

Cal Ripken,

To earn your place as Supreme Chancellor, do as I did. Execute Order 66 targeted at bald cyborgs instead of Jedi.

Hey Sheev,

I tried to ask Phasma out on a date but she said I’m too pale and freckly. I figured maybe you can relate. You are of Irish descent right? You look like my grandmother and she’s Irish.

-Hux

GENERAL!

You fool! I’m neither ginger nor Irish! How dare you accuse me of being anything but Supreme! Although, tell your Grandmother I use Clinique nightime cream. It won’t get you Poe Dameron skin or anything but it helps with the pallor.

Sheev,

I visited Ireland recently and noticed there are no snakes there. Where are all the snakes? Snnnaaaaaakkkeeee!

-R. Campbell

Campbell’s Soup,

St. Patrick was a mere Parcel tongue and convinced the snakes to slither out of the land of Ire. His feeble ginger legs couldn’t withstand the power of my Gaelic darkside shuffle if his mother’s fiery bush depended on it.

Master,

Are you wearing green today? I am and I hope you are so you don’t get pinched.

-Lord Vader

Vader!

If you pinch me, I swear I will banish you to a sandy planet for a galactic standard week again!