A Poem About Your University’s Brand New Institute’s Conference

The Eudaimonia Institute

For the Study of Human Flourishing

Under Capitalism

Is pleased to announce

Our upcoming conference.

We invite you to submit

A paper for one of our panels,

Which will feature thinkers

Recognized for the kind of

Sustained intellectual inquiry

Associated with Simone de Beauvoir

And the author of The Art of the Deal.

We look forward to welcoming

Authorities in the field of

Happiness and Wellbeing Research.

The conference is co-sponsored by the

University’s Named After A Bank Center

For the Study of Capitalism,

The School of Business In Its Fancy New Building,

And the university’s Office of Happiness,

Which is staffed by happy people

Who put signs up around campus,

Reminding you to be happy, too,

Even when you

Are not.

Aristotle’s term “Eudaimonia”

Can be roughly translated as

“White men in positions of power

In the increasingly

Corporate structure

Of the American university

Are allowed to say

That words mean

Whatever they want them

To mean.”

Seen another way, the term refers to

The wellbeing and flourishing

Of individuals,

The happiness of (some) families,

And the holding of conferences

That explore why the people

Most likely to flourish

Are those who hold conferences

About flourishing.

(Hint: Moxie. Other hint: Boot straps.)

We are also soliciting papers

For a plenary session entitled

“If You Are Poor,

You Have Clearly Failed to Flourish,”

As well as any form of research,

Even research executed in orange crayon,

That defends the existence

Of this institute and its conference

With weak and lazy arguments

That you can’t possibly believe yourself.

Wellbeing is strongly affected

By the economic, political,

Moral, and cultural institutions

In which we live.

To live a productive and fulfilling life

Requires an understanding of the

Nature of these institutions,

Which we will explain to one another

At the conference,

And then afterwards,

Invisible people who

May or may not feel a sense of

Wellbeing

Will clean up.

The conference will be held in

A glittering golden castle

Encrusted with jewels

And surrounded by a moat,

And presenters will be ferried across

This moat,

Which is absolutely not like

The river Styx

And is really just a normal moat.

This gathering will bring together

Pioneers in the field of

“Wellbeing.”

We remind you that this is a

Legitimate scholarly field

And not something that

Someone

Made up.

“Wellbeing” combines

Things like

“History,” “Philosophy,”

“English Literature,” and “Art,”

Throws out all of the

Unnecessarily complicated stuff,

Tosses in quite a lot of other stuff

About how free enterprise is

Just grand,

And mixes it all up

Into the kind of cocktail you

Can expect

From an airport bar.

But this is as it should be.

While these other fields

Are lovely ways to pass the time –

Perhaps under a flowering tree –

They consistently struggle

To attract the financial support

Of their universities and alumni

And therefore cannot be truly

Valuable.

Conversely, the value of

The Eudaimonia Institute

For the Study of Human Flourishing

Under Capitalism

Is clear,

As we have pots of money,

Very much like the end

Of the rainbow.

The conference organizers will cover

Participants’ lodging for two nights,

Transportation from the hotel

To the event site,

And all meals,

Which will be prepared in a

Dramatic Iron Chef-esque cook-off

Between Tom Colicchio, Mario Batali,

And a surprise guest chef who is

Definitely not a woman.

If we have any leftovers,

We’ll be sure to send them over to

Various humanities departments,

If they will tell us where they are.

Submitted papers should represent original,

Unpublished research and

Should not be formatted in a silly font.

Please do not include

Family photos

Or drawings of penises.

If you have further questions about

The goals of the Eudaimonia Institute

For the Study of Human Flourishing

Under Capitalism,

Please consult our Research Plan,

Which a shrewish member

Of the English department said,

“Isn’t going to be mistaken for

David Foster Wallace,”

To which we say:

You are obviously

Deeply unhappy,

And who the hell is that?