So, I bet you all got comfortable in my absence. Thinking to yourselves, “That crazy Mallory finally came to her senses and stopped blogging about everything and anything that popped into her head. She probably realized that it was more important to spend time with her kids and family, then blog incessantly about little annoyances and funny occurrences. Good for her for finally getting a grip.” Well, dear readers, to that I say…”You’d be wrong!”

Over the last couple of years many things have happened, but I’ll save you the lengthy novel and hit you with the Coles notes. My oldest son is graduating high school this year. I am sure there will be many a post about that situation, so stay tuned for that. Not only am I a miserable mess who is trying to fake excitement for this new part of his life…uh…I’m NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A KID IN COLLEGE! I need an adult.

My daughter is graduating from grade 8 and moving up to high school. I am excited for her, as she has been ready to go off and be more independent since she was 4. I worry about the drama, the fears and the unknowns coming our way, but I know she’ll succeed and even flourish in her new environment. I am excited for this new journey and look forward to seeing her bloom…uh…however, I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A SECOND CHILD GO TO HIGH SCHOOL!! I need an adult!

My second son, the professor, is really killing it in third grade. He loves his teacher, has a ton of buddies, and comes home with new interesting facts every day. Like for instance, Villagers in Minecraft make a “hrrrr” sound, a piece of a star that’s 1 inch in diameter weighs as much as 12 million elephants (this is a true fact. He ASSURES me!) and that homework is 100% optional. He chooses the opt out option every time. In conversation with his teacher, these facts might not all be true, and we are working hard on the “opting-in” for homework.

My little ninja toddler has become ninja boy. At six years old and in grade 1, he is healthy and recently had another clean bill from Sick Kids Hospital, where in case you have forgotten, he received a life saving heart transplant in 2012. He is strong and starting to eat foods now, so dinner time is always exciting. Ninja toddler had many adventures, and that hasn’t stopped now that he is Ninja boy. As a matter of fact his adventures have become more frequent, a little louder and a little harder to handle. We had to take him for a psych evaluation in summer of 2017, to have him assessed for some hyperactivity issues and he has been diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. While challenging, he has his bad days for sure, he also has many great days, moments where he shocks us and moments where we stop and cry and then laugh at all of the crazy days we have been blessed to have him in our lives.

To finish this “I’m back” update blog, I have a humorous story to tell you. So sit back, buckle up and come along for a moment in the life of Ninja boy, his stressed out parents and the stories that should make the news.

My oldest son, my right hand man, my intern, if you will ( I’d say he’s my assistant, but intern is better since it’s an unpaid post really), Decided it was time for him to get a PAYING job somewhere. With his license, a girlfriend and gas costs to contend with, he thought he should perhaps get compensated for his hard work and dedication. So he ventured out in this great big world and got a job.

Despite getting paid, and hording money like I hoard hilarious, well timed memes in my phone photo gallery, he is notoriously cheap and now that he’s learned the value of a dollar, is very unlikely to spend any of it. He clips coupons, and hits us up for gas money if the cars are low when he takes them out.

One lovely snow covered morning in January, I was sitting at my desk at work, pouring over some poor soul’s chart, probably making a life saving decision…or maybe just sitting there, watching the clock tick by until quitting time…(that seems the most likely situation- though the first option sounds better) my phone rang and on the other end was my panicked teenager. By the tone of his voice, I knew there was something wrong, so I stood up, heart racing, ready to run out the door to get him in a moments notice.

“WHATS WRONG!!” I huffed, not sure if he had been in an accident, or if there was something HORRIFICALLY wrong with him.

“MOM!! I AM MISSING $200 FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT!!” he yelled into the phone.

Immediately I told him to calm down, verified that he was actually missing money from his account, and I called my brother who happens to work for the same bank that houses my sons little nest egg. He suggested reporting it to the fraud division, since the teenagers card wasn’t compromised, and he was the ONLY one who has access to the account, and since he wont even spend $2 on a piece of pizza from the school’s cafeteria, he certainly wouldn’t spend $200 on anything that he wouldn’t immediately recall.

I told the teenager to get on the phone with the fraud division, and I instructed his dad to help him when he got home from school to get the money back in his account.

Hours later, I called him and was told that the money had been spent on Microsoft. Used for something called “ROBUCKS” on a game that Ninja boy frequently played called “ROBLOX.”

Ninja boy had seen the card at one point in his life, and as I mentioned before, used his photographic memory to store the number for future use. Microsoft refunded the money after much pleading and proof that Ninja boy was in FACT a genius, with an IQ of 145 (tested and verified by Sick Kids Psychology team) and did have a photographic memory. Microsoft eventually was convinced and within three days the money was back in the account.

We then spent the remainder of the evening, we explained to Ninja Boy that even though cards are plastic, there is real money attached to them. It was important that he not use any cards at any time without permission.

Upon further digging we saw that he had also pre-ordered an XBOX oneX with my credit card, which he had seen on numerous shopping excursions, and not only recalled the number, expiry, and three digit security code, but also our address, postal code and used a fake name “MIKE ONO” to purchase the Xbox.

ONO is a great name to use because it perfectly describes the thought that ran through my head at this moment. OH NO, my 6 year old knows all of my credit card information, and has no qualms about spending all of my money.

After we cleared all of this mess up, had many heart to heart discussions with Ninja boy the identity thief, we thought all was right with the world.

Fast forward to a month later, I had my credit card out to order something online. Ninja boy was 3 feet behind me on the Nintendo Switch, thoroughly encompassed with Mario Odyssey. I glanced up to make sure he wasn’t paying attention, and I QUICKLY punched in all the identifying information, placed my order and cleared the screen. I turned around and he was still lost in some fantasy land killing mushrooms and looking for koopa.

Feeling pretty proud of myself I headed downstairs for a drink, Ninja boy following closely behind. Suddenly, in a tiny little voice from beyond the kitchen walls, I heard,

“Mom, I know your visa number.”

Ice water filled my veins. Could he know it? There was no possible way. This was a new card. He hadn’t ever seen it before. I looked around the corner, and said in my most adult tone of voice “OH YA?? PROVE IT!”

He proceeded to rattle off every single number on the card.

As a parent, no one really prepares you properly for all the hardships, happenings, and moments of sheer dread that you will come across on this journey from newborn to adulthood. I knew about the dirty diapers, the sleepless nights, the feeling of overwhelming fear when your child is preparing to go to college, the anxiety you get as they drive around as a newly licensed driver, and even the moments of insecurity as they introduce new friends, and GIRLFRIENDS, to your tight circle. BUT THIS….PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY…in a SIX year old….no one prepares you for that at all!

He now seems to understand that stealing money from your moms credit card or your Rockefeller brothers debit card, is probably not a good idea. Will it stop Ninja from trying again? I sure hope so. In the meantime, card replacements, keeping them locked up in the fire safe, the key for which I have hidden in a place so impossible, I can’t even find it, and dealings ONLY in cash, are the new normal for this UNnormal family.

Missed you all. Happy to be back.

Happy reading everyone, stay tuned for more musings from this uncensored mom.

So, I bet you all got comfortable in my absence. Thinking to yourselves, “That crazy Mallory finally came to her senses and stopped blogging about everything and anything that popped into her head. She probably realized that it was more important to spend time with her kids and family, then blog incessantly about little annoyances and funny occurrences. Good for her for finally getting a grip.” Well, dear readers, to that I say…”You’d be wrong!” Over the last couple of years many things have happened, but I’ll save you the lengthy novel and hit you with the Coles notes. My oldest son is graduating high school this year. I am sure there will be many a post about that situation, so stay tuned for that. Not only am I a miserable mess who is trying to fake excitement for this new part of his life…uh…I’m NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A KID IN COLLEGE! I need an adult. My daughter is graduating from grade 8 and moving up to high school. I am excited for her, as she has been ready to go off and be more independent since she was 4. I worry about the drama, the fears and the unknowns coming our way, but I know she’ll succeed and even flourish in her new environment. I am excited for this new journey and look forward to seeing her bloom…uh…however, I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A SECOND CHILD GO TO HIGH SCHOOL!! I need an adult! My second son, the professor, is really killing it in third grade. He loves his teacher, has a ton of buddies, and comes home with new interesting facts every day. Like for instance, Villagers in Minecraft make a “hrrrr” sound, a piece of a star that’s 1 inch in diameter weighs as much as 12 million elephants (this is a true fact. He ASSURES me!) and that homework is 100% optional. He chooses the opt out option every time. In conversation with his teacher, these facts might not all be true, and we are working hard on the “opting-in” for homework. My little ninja toddler has become ninja boy. At six years old and in grade 1, he is healthy and recently had another clean bill from Sick Kids Hospital, where in case you have forgotten, he received a life saving heart transplant in 2012. He is strong and starting to eat foods now, so dinner time is always exciting. Ninja toddler had many adventures, and that hasn’t stopped now that he is Ninja boy. As a matter of fact his adventures have become more frequent, a little louder and a little harder to handle. We had to take him for a psych evaluation in summer of 2017, to have him assessed for some hyperactivity issues and he has been diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. While challenging, he has his bad days for sure, he also has many great days, moments where he shocks us and moments where we stop and cry and then laugh at all of the crazy days we have been blessed to have him in our lives. To finish this “I’m back” update blog, I have a humorous story to tell you. So sit back, buckle up and come along for a moment in the life of Ninja boy, his stressed out parents and the stories that should make the news. My oldest son, my right hand man, my intern, if you will ( I’d say he’s my assistant, but intern is better since it’s an unpaid post really), Decided it was time for him to get a PAYING job somewhere. With his license, a girlfriend and gas costs to contend with, he thought he should perhaps get compensated for his hard work and dedication. So he ventured out in this great big world and got a job. Despite getting paid, and hording money like I hoard hilarious, well timed memes in my phone photo gallery, he is notoriously cheap and now that he’s learned the value of a dollar, is very unlikely to spend any of it. He clips coupons, and hits us up for gas money if the cars are low when he takes them out. One lovely snow covered morning in January, I was sitting at my desk at work, pouring over some poor soul’s chart, probably making a life saving decision…or maybe just sitting there, watching the clock tick by until quitting time…(that seems the most likely situation- though the first option sounds better) my phone rang and on the other end was my panicked teenager. By the tone of his voice, I knew there was something wrong, so I stood up, heart racing, ready to run out the door to get him in a moments notice. “WHATS WRONG!!” I huffed, not sure if he had been in an accident, or if there was something HORRIFICALLY wrong with him. “MOM!! I AM MISSING $200 FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT!!” he yelled into the phone. Immediately I told him to calm down, verified that he was actually missing money from his account, and I called my brother who happens to work for the same bank that houses my sons little nest egg. He suggested reporting it to the fraud division, since the teenagers card wasn’t compromised, and he was the ONLY one who has access to the account, and since he wont even spend $2 on a piece of pizza from the school’s cafeteria, he certainly wouldn’t spend $200 on anything that he wouldn’t immediately recall. I told the teenager to get on the phone with the fraud division, and I instructed his dad to help him when he got home from school to get the money back in his account. Hours later, I called him and was told that the money had been spent on Microsoft. Used for something called “ROBUCKS” on a game that Ninja boy frequently played called “ROBLOX.” Ninja boy had seen the card at one point in his life, and as I mentioned before, used his photographic memory to store the number for future use. Microsoft refunded the money after much pleading and proof that Ninja boy was in FACT a genius, with an IQ of 145 (tested and verified by Sick Kids Psychology team) and did have a photographic memory. Microsoft eventually was convinced and within three days the money was back in the account. We then spent the remainder of the evening, we explained to Ninja Boy that even though cards are plastic, there is real money attached to them. It was important that he not use any cards at any time without permission. Upon further digging we saw that he had also pre-ordered an XBOX oneX with my credit card, which he had seen on numerous shopping excursions, and not only recalled the number, expiry, and three digit security code, but also our address, postal code and used a fake name “MIKE ONO” to purchase the Xbox. ONO is a great name to use because it perfectly describes the thought that ran through my head at this moment. OH NO, my 6 year old knows all of my credit card information, and has no qualms about spending all of my money. After we cleared all of this mess up, had many heart to heart discussions with Ninja boy the identity thief, we thought all was right with the world. Fast forward to a month later, I had my credit card out to order something online. Ninja boy was 3 feet behind me on the Nintendo Switch, thoroughly encompassed with Mario Odyssey. I glanced up to make sure he wasn’t paying attention, and I QUICKLY punched in all the identifying information, placed my order and cleared the screen. I turned around and he was still lost in some fantasy land killing mushrooms and looking for koopa. Feeling pretty proud of myself I headed downstairs for a drink, Ninja boy following closely behind. Suddenly, in a tiny little voice from beyond the kitchen walls, I heard, “Mom, I know your visa number.” Ice water filled my veins. Could he know it? There was no possible way. This was a new card. He hadn’t ever seen it before. I looked around the corner, and said in my most adult tone of voice “OH YA?? PROVE IT!” He proceeded to rattle off every single number on the card. As a parent, no one really prepares you properly for all the hardships, happenings, and moments of sheer dread that you will come across on this journey from newborn to adulthood. I knew about the dirty diapers, the sleepless nights, the feeling of overwhelming fear when your child is preparing to go to college, the anxiety you get as they drive around as a newly licensed driver, and even the moments of insecurity as they introduce new friends, and GIRLFRIENDS, to your tight circle. BUT THIS….PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY…in a SIX year old….no one prepares you for that at all! He now seems to understand that stealing money from your moms credit card or your Rockefeller brothers debit card, is probably not a good idea. Will it stop Ninja from trying again? I sure hope so. In the meantime, card replacements, keeping them locked up in the fire safe, the key for which I have hidden in a place so impossible, I can’t even find it, and dealings ONLY in cash, are the new normal for this UNnormal family. Missed you all. Happy to be back. Happy reading everyone, stay tuned for more musings from this uncensored mom.