This is scary…very very scary! I am sharing my story for a few different reasons. First, I don’t want anyone to see me as a hypocrite. Second, I hope that I can help someone going through the same experiences. Third, I have so many mixed crazy emotions and I am hoping that sharing them will help me to relax and heal.

Warning!!! This is going to make some of you very angry. Some of you will feel hurt and betrayed. Please understand that I am just sharing my experiences and my feelings and I am not trying to offend or upset you. I have had to face some very harsh realities over the past few years of my life and the only way I can move on is to be completely honest.

Here goes!! You have been warned!

I am no longer a member of the LDS (mormon) church. One year ago this month, after choosing to join the church almost 25 years beforehand, I sent in my letter of resignation. This was not an overnight decision. In fact, this was a process that spanned the previous five years of my life. This was not an easy decision or an easy way out, in fact it was the most terrifying decision I have ever made. I stepped into the unknown, having no answers after a lifetime of believing that I knew it all. I did not know how my sweet husband or children (all between 13-20 at the time) would react but I could no longer “fake it” and quite honestly, I wasn’t doing a very good job of it!! I will share my journey briefly here and then elaborate in future posts.

I joined the LDS church at the end of my junior year in high school. I am an only child and come from divorced parents so the longing for a family was very strong. I met and dated a great guy that had the family I had always dreamed of, several siblings, nieces, and a very amazing set of parents. They took me in and gave me the attention and the direction I needed. They introduced me to the church (even though I lived in Utah, I didn’t know much) and eventually set up missionary discussions. I fell in love with the teachings from the discussions, you know, the family is forever thing. I felt like a received a witness from the holy ghost and was immediately baptized. Wow did people turn out that day!!! We had to move the service to the chapel. I had never felt so much love and acceptance. I finally belonged somewhere!! I was so happy!!!

I met and married my sweet returned missionary husband when I was 19. We had ten dates before we were engaged and were married three months later. We spent the first years of our marriage learning how to fit the mold of the young LDS couple, church callings, tithing, weekly Friday night temple dates and trying instantly to have a family. We had the first of our four children when I was 21. We proceeded to have three more children by the time I was 28 and my husband was 30. I will elaborate more on these wonderful, amazing children in further posts.

Life was hectic, busy, crazy, fun, and stressful. My husband and I never finished our college education and were always scraping by on whatever we could get. Still, we managed and felt like we had made the right decisions. We moved from state to state looking to better my husbands career and stay on top of things. We still were very active mormons. We held many callings, spent countless hours in church service, gave our ten percent tithing, read our scriptures, said our prayers, fasted (most of the time), taught and baptized our children, etc…

In 2007 things started to change for me. Quite frankly, I was burned out. I was tired of leaving my kids at home to attend youth activities, tired of using my Saturday nights to plan lessons. I was sick of being at church for three or more hours (meetings) on a Sunday only to have to attend a youth fireside (meeting) later in the evening. I was working full time for the first time in our marriage and I just wanted to have some time home with my own family. I was having a hard time finding the motivation to serve. With that came the guilt, so much guilt. How could I feel like this? I shouldn’t feel like this! I am a horrible person because I don’t love going to church! I am a horrible mother because I didn’t hold family home evening!! I am a horrible wife because we haven’t gone to the temple in six months!! I am a horrible friend because I didn’t go visiting teaching after work! The list was endless.

I started to question why I was doing all of this. I started to get annoyed with the lessons that were being taught on Sundays. I started to pull away. I made some pretty stupid mistakes that I beat myself up for for years to come. I then started to feel very unworthy and blamed my sins for being the reason that I didn’t enjoy church or feel the spirit. More guilt… Then all hell broke loose.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer at the age of 36. Wow!! I was sure that I was being punished by God for my sins and for my feelings about the church. I really expected to die. Surgery, six months of chemo and a whole lot of yuck in between, I was in remission (happy to say I am still cancer free six years later)! During this time my husband lost his job. I was so sick I had to resign my full time employment during chemo. We were in big trouble. I prayed and prayed and prayed for help. I begged for God to help my husband find work. I prayed to figure out a way to keep our house. I pleaded with God to take my cancer away. Time after time I felt nothing yet I would go to church and listen to people bear their testimonies that God told them to take an umbrella to work or to know which car to buy. What?!?! How is that possible. I started to hate church and seeing everyone on their best behavior. I despised the lessons that seemed so ridiculous to me. I was so tired of hearing about how we would be blessed if we were obedient. I would find any reason or excuse to not attend without upsetting my husband or kids.

About this time I started hearing about Proposition 8 in California. I had very mixed feelings about this. I had formed some great friendships with gay coworkers in a previous job and I adored them. One in particular had been in a relationship with his partner for 20+ years and they had raised a son. They were such an amazing family. I felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea of the church fighting this.

I’m not sure how or when I came across the next pieces of disturbing information about the church. I didn’t go looking for it. Somehow I came across information about Joseph Smith and his polygamous relationships. I was stunned. I actually started to look for information to explain this all away. Instead, I found more, so much more. Why had I not been taught any of this by those missionaries so many years ago??

Somewhere inside, I still blamed myself and my lack of repentance for my lack of testimony. We had moved to a new city and I decided it was time to see the bishop. I just knew that this would be the answer and fully expected to feel my testimony again. After an incredibly embarrassing meeting with basically a stranger, all I felt was horror. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable. This was the beginning of the end. I did not want to attend church anymore. I pulled away as much as possible without rocking the boat too much at home. I sat in the hall during Relief Society and Sunday School and again found any excuse to stay home. I stopped praying, reading, etc… I took off my garments much to the dismay and sadness of my husband (he felt like we were losing our eternal relationship). I finally came clean to him and approached him with some of the things I had discovered about Joseph Smith and the history of the church. He was so angry and felt so betrayed but still loved me and promised we would work through it. Seriously, I have the best husband!! I decided to tell my kids because I didn’t want them to see me as someone who was lazy or uncommitted to my beliefs. Without elaborating, it was a difficult conversation. Lots of tears and confusion but I knew they still loved me.

That is when things started to change. The guilt started to disappear and I felt so free. I was relaxed and calm. I had no idea what I believed anymore (I still don’t really) but I was ok with it. Honestly, none of us know for sure what is going to happen when this life ends (just my opinion) but I found peace.

Over the next year my husband and I would have very careful conversations about the church. I would find a new piece of information and hesitantly share it with him. He would become defensive and then quiet. I had promised him that I would continue to raise our kids in the church and attend sacrament meeting because those were the commitments I had made to him when we got married. It was becoming harder and harder. I would look around in sacrament and wonder how anyone could believe this? How many people actually wanted to be here or how many were faking it like me? That hour and ten minutes became complete torture for me.

Then a miracle happened. I was online looking at different websites that shared information about church history and the discrepancies that have been taught when I came across the CES Letter. It was exactly what I needed, all 80+ pages! Most of the information were things that I had already come across but to have it all in one place, explained so well…thank you!!! I always got so tongue tied when trying to explain things to my husband but now I had this. I will never forget that night. He was working out of town so I called and explained about the letter. I asked if I emailed the letter to him if he would read it. I just wanted him to understand my feelings. He agreed. That changed everything!!

I got a phone call from him bright and early the next morning. I won’t share his feelings or experiences because that is personal to him but within four days, he had decided that the church was not true and removed his garments. I can’t imagine what he went through in those few days. He went through all of the emotions that I had gone through over the past five years in a matter of days. When he returned home we sat our kids down and shared what we had learned and also let them read the CES letter. I was shocked to hear their responses. Again, these are their personal experiences so I won’t share much but I could not believe the guilt and torment they had experienced in the church. My son admitted that he never wanted to serve a mission and was terrified to tell us. My daughter explained the guilt she felt in lessons because our family didn’t read our scriptures or have FHE. She was ashamed of our family!!! How is that a church that claims to bring families closer together?

Why do I share this with you? Why do I need to post this online? I want people to understand that I am happy, truly happy!! Leaving the church was the best thing my family has ever done. It has brought us so much closer and our relationships are stronger than they have ever been. THE GUILT IS GONE!!!!

I am not going to tell you it has all been easy. I have to work through my beliefs (or lack of) on a daily basis. Why do I feel this way? Who taught me this? Why am I reacting this way? Do I still believe this? etc… It has also been very scary to watch my kids navigate their way through this. We live in a little town in Utah that is predominantly mormon so the fear of being rejected by their friends is a worry. I do find it very difficult to not become bitter. I feel betrayed. I feel misled. It is hard not to think about the time and money we lost to the church. I also get very tired of hearing the same things over and over. (You left because you want to wear tank tops or drink coffee. You just want to sin so it is easier to leave. Satan got a hold of you. It’s just a phase). I want to clear the air. I left because the church isn’t true, it is a fraud!! I feel deceived by half truths and cover ups. I cannot accept the way that the LGBT community is treated, it is completely unacceptable!! I cannot accept a god that would split families up in heaven. I do not believe that only temple worthy people are allowed to learn how to get to the highest degree of heaven nor would I ever ever ever want to share my husband with other women when we get there. So so so many more things helped me realize the lies, too many to share here because this is already way longer than I anticipated.

It is my hope that you will respect me, as I respect you. I will continue to share my experiences in hopes that I can touch someone that is struggling. I am still the same person, just a whole lot happier. Thanks for reading this (very) long post and I appreciate your time and understanding.