The Best Sex Positions For Conceiving An Employable Child

We’ve all been there. You meet a handsome, intelligent, totally plow-worthy man, but then you start worrying about all the usual x-factors, such as: “What are the chances that our future children will be able to earn a reliable income in this risky economy?” Futurologists agree: in the coming decades, regular employment’s going down, gigs are going up, and our robot replacements are running at us sideways with their icy metal claws. But don’t worry. There are plenty of ways to improve the career prospects of your zygote-to-be. “Your chances of conceiving a career-eligible child increase exponentially if your partner is gainfully employed at the time of intercourse,” says Dr. Jimmy Mayflower, a sexologist from the Institute of Actualization Research and Development. “But that’s just one factor. Many studies show that future hireability is strongly correlated with all parental choices, including decisions made during fertilization itself. The appropriate conception configuration can really make or break your child’s potential usefulness to an employer.” By ‘conception configuration’ Dr. Mayflower means your dickin’ direction, so choose wisely, and give your child a serious boost out of this crumbling economy.

1. DESK DUTY

Clear off your unpaid bills and get busy on your workspace. Engaging in intercourse on your desk sends a message to the universe: “I don’t care if my child is tall, short, attractive, ugly, whatever. All I care about is their ability to win employer-sponsored health insurance in a society increasingly disinterested in whether or not its citizens live or die.” If you’re having trouble gettin’ busy in the same place where you sit and slave away for enough cash to pay your rent, just close your eyes and visualize your future child: mindlessly performing corporate busywork in exchange for the right to seek preventative treatment but still go bankrupt during a major medical crisis.

2. THE DOGS OF WALL STREET

Doggy style, but with a twist: hold your phone in your right hand while your partner holds his phone in his left. As he thrusts, both of you check your stock portfolios. If neither of you own any actual stocks, dial up a strategy game with numbers in it – Sudoku, Kenken, that sort of thing. “Looking at stocks or any numerical flow during intercourse helps guarantee maximum ROI on your genetic material,” says Dr. Mayflower. “On top of that, bending over in a relaxed position opens up your root chakra, which will allow wealth energy to pour in.” For an added bonus, lift and straighten your left leg. This may grant your child a “leg-up” on the age group they’ll be competing against for scraps from capitalism’s table.

3. THE IV LEAGUE

Of course we all know the best route to probable employment: it’s a degree from an Ivy League university. If you have the misfortune not to belong to a legacy family or the top 1%, don’t despair – show your school spirit! Give us an ‘I’! Give us a ‘V’! Lie back on a table with your legs spread wide, toes pointed. You’re the ‘V’, while your partner, standing between your legs, is the ‘I’. During intercourse, remind your man to remain as still as possible, maintaining the ‘I’ shape from his toes to the crown of his head. “Unfortunately, if your partner gasps or shudders too much, there’s no guarantee your child will win the lottery to get into the right pre-pre-school in the Ivy League feeder system,” says Dr. Mayflower. “And the available data clearly shows that an infant who doesn’t attend the right pre-pre-school has a decreased chance of achieving that Ivy League degree, a vital credential which highly increases the likelihood of a second interview during the job application process.”

4. MISSIONARY

Sure, the missionary position is boring and outdated. But even in the chaos of economic uncertainty, religious institutions remain more or less stable. One way to get your potential failchild out of the basement is to psychically invest them with missionary vigor during the act of conception. This may encourage them to travel in the service of God (hopefully to less volatile corners of the globe). And when they return, they can teach Sunday school, or manage a homeless shelter, or work in a soup kitchen – hey. At least it’s something.

5. CREATIVE’S CARTWHEEL

Want to boost your incipient embryo’s creativity? Have your man do a handstand. Once he’s stabilized the position, take a running leap and jump on top of his man-candy. Then point your left leg at the ceiling and your right leg at the west wall (in feng shui, west is the direction of luck and imagination). Then loop your hula hoop around his right arm, cross it over your left palm, and hold the top of the hula hoop in place with a firm chin-tuck. Find this position challenging? “Not every conception configuration will work for you and your partner,” says Dr. Mayflower. “But if you want your future child to be a professional creative in a precarious gig economy, you’ll have much more difficult and anxiety-ridden experiences ahead of you.”

6. ANAL

Not ready to risk having kids? Too poor to afford the birth control your employer refuses to cover, but too proud to donate your eggs? There’s always safe, reliable anal. “If you’re not prepared for the decades of stress it takes to hustle your child through the job market,” says Dr. Mayflower, “it’s best to avoid any chance of conception.” But he adds: “Do consider selling your eggs. Research laboratories and wealthy individuals are always looking for healthy young biological specimens for a number of interesting projects. Selling off your unwanted bio-resources is a great way to stay afloat as the economy continues its rapid death-spiral into the void.”

Illustrations by Chris Matthews. Text by Lyta Gold.