Troll Tide

UNINFORMED SMACK ::

On Saturday, the Texas A&M Aggies are going to square off against the Alabama Crimson Tide at 2:30 on CBS.

I want you to read that again. Done? Good. Let it sink in, Aggies. Our Aggies are going to put on their formal attire and debut to the national scene against the number 1 team in the nation on CBS and they have a chance to win. They’ve lost two close games to a couple of excellent teams, have gone on a bit of a roll and now have the chance to show everyone how good this team can be. I apologize for the lack of hilarity at this point, but it’s still a bit hard to fathom.

Uninformed Smack

I may be uninformed, but I’m not so blind to be unaware of the fact that when you’re talking to a Bama fan, everything ends with "roll tide." It’s very versatile. Let’s experiment:

"I firmly believe that when Saban signed with Bama, the spirit of the Bear entered his earthly vessel and merged with his own to create the finest damn football coach the world has ever seen – roll tide."

"I got this tattoo series done to pay tribute to the finest damn football team in the universe, The Alabama Crimson Tide – roll tide."

"We traded Texas A&M for a coach-to-be-named later and we gave them Dennis Franchione. Roll tide."

You can study anything in college now. Seriously, anything. So, if you’re currently attending Alabama, please take BEF 155: Behind the Poms: The Cheerleader in American Culture. Do this and, please, send me your notes. I’m very curious about this as we do not have cheerleaders at A&M. I need to know what they are. How they operate. What they’re thinking about. What they smell like. If they like out of shape 30-somethings that blog about a college football team. If they have shrubberies suitable for hiding in next to their windows. I mean, their place in American Culture. Yeah, that.

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION: OUT OF HIS MIND EDITION

I’ve just butt-chugged maroon Kool Aid while listening to the War Hymn, let’s do this. The Aggies storm the field in their Icy White uniforms, completing the Adidas product line clause in their licensing agreement. Coach Sumlin walks to midfield to interrupt the coin toss and tells the ref, "It doesn’t matter, give ‘em the damn ball." and calmly walks back to the sideline. Kingsbury has lit himself on fire.

Manziel starts at safety just to screw with Saban. Saban laughs, consults Ouija board for the next offensive set. Spencer Nealy eats a bag of sugar, washes it down with a case of 5-Hour Energy and is suddenly able to Ha-Do-Ken. This causes problems for the Alabama o-line as they didn’t see "shoots fireballs from hands" in the scouting report.

Manziel, Malena, Michael and Williams rush for a combined 350 yards and 3 touchdowns. JFF wins the game when he unlocks the "Levitation Achievement" and literally flies down the field for 80-yards in the remaining 5-seconds in the game. He doesn’t win the Heisman, but it somehow materialized in his hands in the end zone. Sumlin somehow grabs a microphone and delivers the post-fight monologue from Rocky IV to the remaining Alabama crowd, they are reduced to tears. Kevin Sumlin is a good orator.

Ags 31 Bama 28