THE dream of bringing Manhattan traffic flow to a total standstill draws nearer every day, and if everybody does his part, these new regulations will speed its realization.

1. No-drive zones denoted by special painted lanes are reserved exclusively for participants in the new Citi Bike bike-sharing system. Those riders are required to pound, whack, kick, spit on or key any vehicle entering or crossing a lane.

2. FedEx, U.P.S. and United States Postal Service trucks must double-park to maximize traffic obstruction at major intersections.

3. Nannies on cellphones, pushing baby strollers, always have the right of way against red lights, stop signs, ambulances, fire trucks, police cars and snowplows. Sounding your horn if you are about to run over a nanny will incur a $500 fine.