The ins and outs of being the DJ at a sex party

By guest blogger Scrampus Rampus

So you fancy yourself a DJ around town, or at least in the confines of your studio apartment (or head)? You’ve been looking for gigs and they are always hard to come by. One evening, you happen to make the mistake of mentioning this to one of your randier friends, when WHAM, they ask can you DJ their sex party. Like any hungry young homo, you say HELL YES, but then you think about the time, money, and well mostly money you have invested in your career…

So let’s start out with a few pointers:

Regardless if you spin wax or a dick (typo and it stands) drive you need to remember to take care of your equipment. Things that are not good for the grooves of a record or the interior of your macbook: red bull, lube, semen, poppers, or the always relevant santorum. It goes with out saying that no one wants to see the judgmental face of the Mac Genius when he opens up your laptop and it’s like Ghostbusters in there.

Remember your audience when you select the track list. Make it fun, experiment, play some favorites but for gods sake keep the vocals to a minimum. Something dark, rhythmic with a tech edge is awesome. The last thing anyone needs (especially the bottom) is one of the tops breaking out in a rousing Britney chorus. Nothing makes for a better boner killer, unless of course you want some sick twisted vengeance. Then by all means, go right ahead you little scamp.

Depending on your booth set up you will most likely get some jockey slut action while behind the decks. It can be like an aphrodisiac to a decent number of admirers but remember you don’t want to fuck up your equipment. Try to prevent his head from knocking against the table or getting the mix out of sync. No one wants to hear the stylings of DJ Shoes in the Dryer while they are trying to get theirs. If you can get yours at the same time as doing a great mix you’ve truly arrived.

To recap; don’t fuck up your shit, no screaming divas, and don’t put your needs ahead of the idiots you are playing for. Follow some basics and your star will begin to rise. You never know, you may be able to put this on your resume someday.