Folks, the Hot Stove is as cold as a popsicle being licked by Dick Cheney. There has been minimal baseball news to speak of this week, with the exception of one team. You heard about these Astros?


Houston Astros Trade For Brian McCann

The Astros had a small hole at catcher, with Jason Castro (who isn’t very good anyway) hitting free agency and Evan Gattis only a part-timer at the position. They decided to take care of it early by acquiring Brian McCann in exchange for two young pitching prospects. Houston will also receive an $11 million check to cover about a third of the $34 million McCann is owed over the next two seasons.


The Astros are buying low on McCann, who is coming off a year in which he hit .212/.335/.413 with just 20 homers in the Yankees’ lefty-friendly stadium. His defensive numbers—which, per Fangraphs, were stellar up until this past season—also dipped (though he’s still an okay framer), leaving McCann as a more or less decent player who won’t kill you but also won’t provide too many wins. With Gary Sánchez bursting into the lineup like the Kool-Aid Man, McCann’s departure from New York was essentially a foregone conclusion. The Astros, meanwhile, will hope that McCann’s 2016 season was a slight aberration, as opposed to the final year he provides any sort of value. To them I say: Good luck.

The prospects the Yankees got in return are Albert Abreu, a 21-year-old righty who pitched in High-A last season, and Jorge Guzman, a 20-year-old righty who spent last season in rookie ball. Baseball America sees considerable potential in Abreu, who it says could be a lights-out reliever but may stick as a starter if his secondary pitches continue to develop (a familiar prospect tale). Guzman, meanwhile, apparently throws as hard as 103 mph, but also, per Baseball America, may decapitate a batter or umpire or person in the stands one day, so we’ll see what happens there.

Houston Astros Sign Josh Reddick

Houston is completely loaded at the infield positions, but their outfield was pretty bad last year outside of the big strong boy George Springer. Colby Rasmus provided good defense and an infrequent long smash, but he had two offseason surgeries and will play for someone else next year anyway. Carlos Gomez was one of the worst players in baseball before suddenly reviving himself for Houston’s in-state rivals, and young prospect Jake Marisnick appears to be a lump of coal.


At four years and $52 million, the Astros are betting that Josh Reddick is more of who he was in Oakland—a pretty good all-around player who can run into a monster offensive season—than what he was after being traded to the Dodgers, which was basically useless. The 30-year-old Reddick hit .257/.321/.440 with 84 homers in five seasons in Oakland before falling into a well in Los Angeles, and it’s a fair assumption that he’ll be a helpful player next year for a team that should be one of the best in the American League. At $13 million he doesn’t need to do too much to provide value, but on the other hand pretty much every single free agent immediately sucks for their new team. So who knows. Meanwhile, note that Aubrey Huff has owned him:


Houston Astros Sign Charlie Morton

I’ve saved the best for last. If the Houston Astros win the 2017 World Series it will surely be because they signed starting pitcher Charlie Morton to a two-year, $14 million contract. Friends—you can quote me on that one.


Houston will be hoping that Morton can hold down a spot at the end of its rotation even though he missed nearly all of the 2016 season after hamstring surgery. In 23 starts for the Pirates in 2015, Morton was pretty much the kind of starter you only appreciate once you see how worse everyone who could replace him is, and with Houston letting Doug Fister walk they do have a spot for that sort of guy. Morton will be 33 years old next season, though. The Astros signed a lot of old guys.

Texas Rangers Sign Andrew Cashner

The player once traded straight up for Anthony Rizzo will take a one-year, $10 million deal coming off a season in which he put up a 5.25 ERA in starts for both the Padres and Marlins. He was particularly wretched in Miami, posting a 5.98 ERA and looking exactly that hittable. After Cole Hamels and Yu Darvish, though, the Rangers could use any warm body, and they’ll be wagering that Cashner can regress to the mean next year in a deal that doesn’t cost a ton either way.


And that’s it. Hopefully next week teams other than the Astros will do stuff.