‘Tomorrow if Virat Kohli is reaching final of 100 metres swimming in Olympics means you will sit whole day in underwear?’

Respected Madam/Sir,

Humiliation. Disgrace. International shame. Total nose-cutting in front of the whole world.

Non-stop these words are coming out of my son’s mouth since India vs. New Zealand cricket match.

Madam/sir, whether you are remembering my son? Maybe you are thinking, “Oho, Mr. Mathrubootham has not written one single word about his working from home son for decades. Whether son has finally got some nice job in office in America or Bombay or Koyambedu or anywhere but guest bedroom?”

No chance. He is still in house only. And he is still doing work from home only. Once a week I will ask him, “Son, what and all you have done this week?” He will say some big words like internet and ecommerce and all. And I will say, “All the best as long as you are enjoying and it’s not against Indian Penal Code I have no problem. But if police is coming to this house even once then promise on Tirupati Balaji I will take bail money and give it to constable and say, ‘Thambi, take this pocket money and beat him for two-three more hours.’”

Fancy dress

Thursday morning he got up at 8 itself and sat in front of TV wearing Indian cricket uniform. I said, “Kanna, why you are wearing fancy dress like some buffoon? Tomorrow if Virat Kohli is reaching final of 100 metres swimming in Olympics means you will sit whole day in underwear? Whether it will increase chance of India winning by one milligram?” He said, “Appa, please don’t make such anti-national talks.”

When India started batting, he said, “This is too easy appa, India definitely winning within 40 overs. Better to start preparing for World Cup final and take leave now itself.”

I said, “Kamalam, do you have phone number for Guinness Book of World Records?” He asked, “Appa why you want?” I said, “Because, kanna, I think this is first time one single person has put so many nonsense things in just two sentences. Minimum you will get national record.” He said, “Appa, how dare you, explain what nonsense I said?”

I said, “Firstly, it is Indian cricket team. Anything is possible. One minute Sachin Tendulkar will get muttai zero. Next minute Anil Kumble will score double century. Next match Venkatesh Prasad will stop ball before it crosses boundary. Ha ha ha ha, what nonsense you’re saying, you will take leave. Bloody fool, as if you are RBI governor. For you what means working day and what means leave. Sitting in bedroom means working day, sitting in sitting room means leave.”

He said “Appa, have you seen any cricket match since 2000? Venkatesh Prasad and all retired since Jambavan period.”

Real humiliation

Madam/sir, then what happened? Exactly what I told only. India mega super defeat. And my son spent 48 hours screaming in the house. Humiliation. Tragedy. National disgrace. Etc. Madam/sir, what he knows about real humiliation? I will tell.

Five-six years back for housing colony annual day they said husband-wife doubles shuttle badminton tournament. We put up our names. First match no problem, we defeated Mr. and Mrs. Prathapan in 20 minutes.

Second match against Nalini and husband from upstairs. Both parties very equal. Tight competition. Then Nalini is hitting shuttle cock high in the air. Mrs. M. said, “Don’t worry, I am going to smash.” I said, “No problem, all the best.” Mrs. M. jumped into the air like P.V. Sindhu and did one smash. First shuttlecock hit my face and then racket. I took two-three steps and fell directly on top of Mrs. D’Costa who was umpire. During fall, elastic of my shorts got stuck on handle for pulling the net up and down.

So now Mrs. D’Costa is on ground, Mr. Mathrubootham is on top of Mrs. D’Costa, and he is not wearing shorts. Photographer was there.

Madam/sir, this is real humiliation.

Yours in happy memories,

J. Mathrubootham