1. Foreplay.

Porn star: "All this soft touching is boring! Real Grown-Up Women only have an orgasm by going from 0 to full penetration! Now fuck the shit out of me even though I am not properly lubricated and am also not that turned on by you personally, because that feels great!"

Real woman: "Uh, you DO know that if we don't make out for like half an hour before we have sex, I will be as dry as the audiobook of Moby Dick, right? Okay, great, now please make some kind of tactile contact with one or both of my boobs."

2. Body hair.

Porn star: "Women don't have hair anywhere except their head, and I guess their eyebrows! Also, we don't go to the bathroom, and when we cough, tiny fairies jump out of our mouths and toss glitter in your eye!"

Real woman: "I do not enjoy lying in a freezing cold room with my legs in the air while an Eastern European woman with dead eyes rips my pubic hair off. Deal with it."

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3. Discovering that your partner has a huge penis..

Porn star: "Oh my God, you're huge! I love gigantic hard cocks everywhere, like on my desktop computer wallpaper, or even in my ear!"

Real woman: "Holy SHIT. CAN'T." (You guys know that line from "Peacock," the Penis Ode by Katy Perry? "I just shed a tear / I was so unprepared?" That's how I feel when I am caught off-guard by a giant erect penis.)

4. Giving a blowjob.

Porn star: "I love doing this! I love everything about this! I would definitely rather not be doing anything else, like playing with kittens or receiving a merit award!"

Real woman: "Is this working? It seems like it is. Do I need to do something with the balls? I should maybe ask Yahoo Answers, since they are clearly the authority on everything. Man, this is taking awhile. It will be awesome when I can breathe again."

5. Swallowing.

Porn star: "Mmmm, I wish they bottled this and sold it at Whole Foods!"

Real woman: "I just put these nice Ralph Lauren sheets on my bed, so why not! Also, do you have some gum?"

6. Getting a facial.

Porn star: "Ooh! This is like being misted with refreshing spa water, but mixed with Play Dough, and seXXXier!"

Real woman: "This is actually kind of hot. But is it going to cancel the effects of that actual Groupon facial I got last week?"

7. Doggy-style.

Porn star: "This element of degradation and anonymity is definitely not making me wonder whether you are actually attracted to me! I will call you 'Daddy' now because that's not weird for either of us!"

Real woman: "I should really get that wall repainted."

8. Anal sex.

Porn star: "I've never felt such an intense sense of satisfaction with my personal and professional life as I do when my butthole is being reamed."

Real woman: "Why did I agree to do this? Would my whole life have been different if I had gone to grad school? Am I pooping? Am I pooping on a dick right now?"

9. Receiving oral sex.

Porn star: "Oh my God! That's it! Right there! Yeah!"

Real woman: "Sort of. Down more. A little to the left. No, too far left. No, that's my elbow. Actually, fuck it, Duck Dynasty's on."

10. Having an orgasm.

Porn star: "If I fake this unnaturally attractive orgasm loud enough nobody will be able to tell that I am actually thinking about what I'm going to make my two-year-old son for dinner tonight! So here I go: EEEEEEEEEEE!"

Real woman: *flops around* "************!*!*!*~~~~~*!!!!!" *makes weird faces, probably.*

11. Afterwards.

Porn star: "Again, again!"

Real woman: "Want to make me some grilled cheese? Also, can you take the trash out? Thanks!"

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