In this personal essay, writer Summer Luk explores her journey of coming out to her parents as transgender.

I still remember what my parents said to me when I called them on my 21st birthday. They told me that I wasn't their daughter. No, they said, I was their son and I always would be. Then they hung up.

Just as I felt the bitter taste of hate and anger in the back of throat, I quickly reminded myself of what I know to be true. Love is what remains after the truth is told. I told my truth to my parents and they just told theirs.

I looked back at the clock. It was 12:15am. Happy 21st birthday, Summer. What a way to commemorate this day where I legally become an adult.

As a trans kid that came from a conservative and religious family in Hong Kong, secrecy, silence, and shame were the hallmarks of how my parents and I related to each other. But here in New York City, where I was able to write and perform, I’ve seen time and time again that as I tell my story through music, it somehow becomes a bridge for the audience to relate to me. People would come up to tell me that my story humanized an experience that they thought was outside them. They were surprised to see something of themselves in my songs, even though they were not trans nor did they have anyone in their life that was trans.

And that’s when I saw the problem that existed in my relationship with my parents. I never paid attention to the stories that shaped them. And how can I really know someone if I don’t care enough to ask?

I think it’s common for kids to think of their parents as superheroes. They’re your first and last line of defense, people who always know what to say to make you feel better. And as a result, it always comes as a surprise to realize that beneath that superhero cape lies a person who has their limitations, who’s just doing the best they can with what they know.

So over the past two years, I started asking questions and paying attention to the stories that my parents have told me many times. Who were they as children growing into adults, how did they relate to their parents, and what were their life-defining moments? As I learned more about them, it became harder for me to pass judgment. I saw the culture in which they were raised, and as a result, they only knew to either fix or handle things. They never had any good friends in their personal life that were LGBTQ or saw positive representation in the media. I understood for the first time what an arduous task I was asking of them. This change, being re-introduced to their daughter, would be hard because it required them to do something that they’d never done before: embrace me.

For the longest time, my parents and I only talked at each other, finding flaws in one another's argument. If they showed me negative LGBTQ news clips, I counteracted with positive role models. If they pointed towards bible passages that say being LBGTQ is wrong, I came back with documentaries like For the Bible Tells Me So. It was an endless cycle of who’s right and who’s wrong. And my way of responding to their belittling accusations with snarky comments only added fuel to the fire. That’s when I understood that if I wanted change I must be willing to change myself. If not, I was only seeking conversion.