CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Hoping to secure a second chance with the Patriots by taking accountability for his actions, wide receiver Antonio Brown attempted to prove he was a changed man Monday by breaking into Robert Kraft’s house in the middle of the night to apologize. “Look, I know I screwed up, and I just wanted to do something proactive and tell you to your face that I’ve changed,” said Brown, waving the knife he used to disable Kraft’s home security system and wrapping duct tape over the team owner’s mouth to make sure he could recite his full apology. “I stabbed your security your guard and outran your dogs just to show you how much I want to be on the Patriots. Would someone who wasn’t committed to football smash open your kitchen window at 2 a.m. like that? Didn’t think so. Clearly, I’m in playing shape if I could do all this without waking you up. Shit, I could be back on the practice field tomorrow.” At press time, Brown had thrown Kraft in the trunk of his car and was headed to Tom Brady’s house so Brown could show off all the tape he’d been studying.

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