Once again, Jim Delany has called a meeting of his Coaches after bowl season.. this time to a high-tech conference room in the new Big Ten headquarters in Rosemont, Illinois

So, things are so much better this year. I have a new haircut, and you guys did so much better in bowl season!! We have a winning record at 6-5!

Well, most of you, so let's recap a little

Hazell! --- A 3-9 season?

I went from losing, although not as badly, to losing and being competitive!

*COUGH*Lame* COUGH*

/sobs

Wilson! 4-8?

I HAVE THE BUCKET! FOR TWO YEARS IN A ROW!! And we won the SEC EAST!

// tears ACL

*cough*Weaksauce*cough*

Fitz! --- 5-7 again?!?

Yeah, this year didn't turn out how I hoped. I have a lot of work to do.

Excuses, excuses, excuses!!

*cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

And what's the deal with you guys unionizing ?!?

I think my players voted against it. I've been told the NLRB will decide soon.

But we beat Notre Dame!!!! Knocked them out of the rankings!

Thank you!

Tim, how the hell do you still have a job?

Ask Pat!

Damn it!

Hoke, 5-7?

You lost to Rutgers!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

/sobs

* All the sudden, someone is chopping down the door with an Axe!*

** No, not that Axe, Badger fans...**

What the hell?!?

HEERE'S HARBAUGH!!

Brady, you no longer speak for Michigan.

Thanks for leaving me the good roster. This will be easier than coaching Stanford!

Seriously Jim? I'm taking that out of Michigan's TV money.

Are you crazy?!? Take it out of Purdue's TV money, they aren't using it for anything useful these days.

HEY! What's your deal?!?

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL??! YOU CALL THAT A MUSTACHE?!?

/rips off mustache

IT'S A FAAAAKKKEE!!!!

/laughs hysterically

I knew it!

WHAT THE HELL MAN?!? YOU BASTARD!!

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOUR PANTS ?!?

What's wrong with my pants?

You look like you're wearing a parachute on your legs!

Actually they look like Hammer Pants!

And pleats? Dude, you look like a hobo.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH PLEATS!!!

*Blip bloop beep*

Hold on a sec

*YOINK* /steals Jim's phone

YOU BUY YOUR PANTS AT WAL-MART?!?!?

// everyone laughs

Hobo. I called it!

AND YOUR WIFE CALLED WAL-MART TO BAN YOU FROM BUYING THOSE PANTS!

// everyone laughs until they cry

They're not that bad, I can fit everything in them! They're not that bad, I can fit everything in them!

And have you guys seen his And have you guys seen his Twitter Account ?!?

Attacking this day with Enthusiasm Unknown to Mankind — Coach Harbaugh (@CoachJim4UM) January 15, 2015

Life at Michigan is Great! Great with a capital "G!" — Coach Harbaugh (@CoachJim4UM) January 14, 2015

Have a Great day! A Great week! A Great month! and a Great year! and Go Blue! — Coach Harbaugh (@CoachJim4UM) January 10, 2015

Sad but true. Sad but true.

ENOUGH!

Franklin, how the hell did you make a bowl game?

Yeah, seriously?

Aren't you supposed to be happy I did that? And won?!?

Fair point. Good job at 7-6

RANDY! WHAT THE HELL? Losing to Stanford in your bowl game?

/snickers

HEY! I finished 3rd in the east! What's wrong with 7-6?

Oh fine... Whatever

KIRK! WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I lost to Tennessee. Sorry!

FOR GODS SAKE MAN, KEVIN WON THE SEC EAST!!

Hooray!

WE DONT LOSE TO SEC EAST TEAMS!!

Moving on..

Jerry, what the hell man?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I don't win bowl games.

Work on that please...

But I went 8-5!

Two coaches enter in the door

Hi, we're here for Orientation?

Sorry we're late

And who are you two?

I'm Mike Riley, new coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers!

And where did you come from?

Oregon State University

You do know that you have to win more than nine games yearly? You do know that you have to win more than nine games yearly?

... WHAT??!? ... WHAT??!?

And you! Who are you? Paul Chryst, new coach of the Wisconsin Badgers! Barry, try to keep this guy for more than two years, and thank you for beating Auburn! Just kidding, I knew who you were Chryst! You screwed up the 2010 rose bowl! Barry, it's time to go home now. I've got this.

Oh all right. Oh all right.

/leaves /leaves

You should totally quit or take another job after two years! You should totally quit or take another job after two years!

That's not very funny! That's not very funny!

Mark! Congrats on beating Baylor! Mark! Congrats on beating Baylor!

You're welcome. You're welcome.

Narduzzi's gone! I can win the Spittoon next year! Narduzzi's gone! I can win the Spittoon next year!

Don't get your hopes up Kevin! Don't get your hopes up Kevin!

... Dammit! ... Dammit!

And Urban, thank god you won the national championship on Monday! And Urban, thank god you won the national championship on Monday!

I told you all last year I would do this! DONT DOUBT ME! I told you all last year I would do this! DONT DOUBT ME!





// everyone: THANK YOU!

What are you fools thanking me for? If you want to keep up you better step up! What are you fools thanking me for? If you want to keep up you better step up! Bullshit! I will outwork and outcrazy ALL OF YOU! Bullshit! I will outwork and outcrazy ALL OF YOU! The Galaxy class defense will return! The Galaxy class defense will return! Don't get too comfortable because the Lion is Rising!! Don't get too comfortable because the Lion is Rising!!

WE ARE!! PENN STATE!!!

I WILL HAVE ALL THE TROPHIES NEXT YEAR! I WILL HAVE ALL THE TROPHIES NEXT YEAR!

I have the Pig, the Jug, The Victory Bell, the $5 bits of broken chair and next year --- I have the Pig, the Jug, The Victory Bell, the $5 bits of broken chair and next year ---









You will never get the Axe You will never get the Axe

DAMMIT! DAMMIT!





ENOUGH! I WILL STRIKE ALL OF YOU DOWN IF YOU DONT SHUT UP! ENOUGH! I WILL STRIKE ALL OF YOU DOWN IF YOU DONT SHUT UP!





Ok, we've improved, and next year let's do even better. Ok, we've improved, and next year let's do even better.

Before I let you go, SHUT UP and listen to to me prank Mike Slive! Before I let you go, SHUT UP and listen to to me prank Mike Slive!





* Wherever the SEC offices are..

** Presumably Birmingham, Alabama





//RING I AM A PHONE RING

//RING A DING A DINGY DONG

Hello, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive's office!

Who's This?? Oh, I'll put you through to him right away!

Mike, there's a John Skipper from ESPN on the phone!

Thanks Jessica. Mr. Skipper? Thanks Jessica. Mr. Skipper?

Hi Mike, how are you doing? Hi Mike, how are you doing?

Pretty good so far John. What's on your mind? Pretty good so far John. What's on your mind?

I have some bad news for you: I'm canceling the SEC Network. I have some bad news for you: I'm canceling the SEC Network. WHAT?!? WHY? WHAT?!? WHY? Because YOUR CONFERENCE GOT SMOKED BY MINE! B1G! B1G!! Because YOUR CONFERENCE GOT SMOKED BY MINE! B1G! B1G!! .... fuck off Delany!





-- Next up: the Athletic Directors!

--- Credits: The Darrell Hazell Mustache Image was originally done by MGoBlog, and Jerry Kill as a furry woodland creature was done by Horace E. Cow at BHGP. Everything else is a continuation of Ted Glover's articles and the Batshit Insanity of BHGP



