"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots

and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.



(P) = Problem

(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.



(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.

(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.



(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.



(P) Something loose in cockpit.

(S) Something tightened in cockpit.



(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

(S) Evidence removed.



(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

(S) Volume set to more believable level.



(P) Dead bugs on windshield.

(S) Live bugs on order.



(P) Autopilot in altitude hold model produces a 200 fpm descent.

(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.



(P) IFF inoperative.

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

(S) That's what they're there for.



(P) Number three engine missing.

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.



(P) Aircraft handles funny.

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.



(P) Target Radar hums.

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with words

Flight Ops clarification...... A friend of mine who is a recreational pilot passed me this clipping from, I believe a flying magazine. I do not know which one. They however claim that they got it from a British Airways Flight Operations Department notice. "There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot. The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxi Until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is Handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot. The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around," in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around," as appropriate. In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly." I hope that's all quite clear now .... Air Traffic Control The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and control towers from around the world: Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got that Fokker in sight." N123: Youngstown Approach, Cessna 123 off Elser, request two practice ILS approaches, followed by the published missed to the VOR to hold, a VOR approach, two NDB approaches and an ASR approach.

Approach: Cessna 123 squawk 4573, and would you like fries with that sir? During the rush hour at Houstons Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the usual announcement: We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington DC. If your destination is not Washington DC, then you should deplane at this time. A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. Sorry, he said, wrong plane. For months after Californias Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning, about three weeks after the initial quake, there was a particularly sharp aftershock. Moments later on Van Nuys ground control frequency: Uh, 43K would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway  Many years ago I travelled by general aviation making business presentations to banks. The presentation involved using a projector and folding screen. Upon returning from one such flight, I went into the office to turn in the logbooks and pay for the Skylane I had rented. The local hangers-flyers seemed to be looking me over suspiciously as I lugged my flight gear, logbooks, briefcase and the projector screen. Realising that they thought I looked out of place, I glanced over my shoulder towards them and remarked, In-flight movies. A veteran airline Captain, apparently checking-in with air traffic control on the wrong frequency, was asked: Say your position? to which he replied: Captain. The traffic was heavy and the weary local controller had apparently heard all the blocked and stepped on responses he could take when he made this transmission: How come every time I key my mic, some idiot starts talkin? Approach: Beech 998, youre showing 2,000 feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.

Beech: Beech 998 is intermittently at 2,000 feet. A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, air traffic control asked: What was your last known position?

Student: When I was No. 1 for take-off. Student to Instructor: Youre simply impossible to satisfy. I just finished navigating successfully through a boiling fluid, swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles an hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And then I bounced the landing six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin back! Courtesy of Saturday Night Live: The NTSB has determined that a frayed wire caused the spark that ignited vapours in the TWA 800 fuel tank. The wire became frayed when it was hit by a missile  At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately? Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board. With his teams software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. The venerable Cessna 152 POH recommends testing the stall warning horn by placing a clean cloth over the stall vent and drawing a vacuum. When an instructor asked a student at our club how to test the stall warning horn, he replied, place your mouth over the wing stall vent and suck hard till the siren goes off. The instructor then asked, What would you do if the vent was full of bugs and such? The student pondered for a moment and then replied, Ask the instructor to place his mouth over the wing stall vent and suck hard till the siren goes off  The student pilot was midway through the oral portion of his Private practical test. After reviewing his pre-flight planning, the examiner pointed out that the Weight & Balance figures showed the airplane would be 50 lbs over max gross. What can you do about that? asked the examiner. First, I would have my passengers take off their clothes, suggested the applicant. If that were not enough, Id drain a gallon of oil from the engine. Finally, Id remove 12 lbs of air from each tyre . During a heavy traffic period, a pilot comes on Centre frequency, speaking in slow Texas drawl: Good afternoon Houston Centre, King Air 12345 checkin with yall. VFR at eighteen-five.

Long pause. Ah, King Air 12345, sir, you cant be VFR at eighteen-five.

S horter pause. Sure we can, Centre. Were flyin a Super King Air! Pilot: Request a flight level betweel FL210 and FL250. ATC: Roger, you can have either 230 or 250 which would you like?

Pilot: Affirmative.

ATC: Affirmative what?

Pilot; Affirmative SIR? Overheard at OHare: Cessna 152 pilot with obvious French accent: Centre, I would like a vector back home.

Unidentified commuter pilot: Heading, 090, 2,000 miles .

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday: Lost aircraft, say position. Controller pointing out floatplane traffic to an IFR aircraft: Traffic at your 2 oclock is a phone on plates. Canadian Flight Supplement excerpt: London, ONTARIO SERVICES CFR  5 1130-0330Z, O/T 2 HRS PNR Decode: Crash, fire and rescue services: level 5. Available 1130Z to 0330Z; other times, 2 hours prior notice required. Lets try to keep that in mind next time were planning to crash there. Overhead in London TMA: ATC: N12345, descend to 3,000 feet on QNH 1019.

N12345: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: N12345, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019. Overhead on the flightline at Oshkosh last weekend:

Honey, you just have to stay for the B-2. Its so stealthy that youre not going to see it when it goes by. Heard on the frequency at BNA (Nashville, TN.): Aircraft: Hey, that altimeter setting we got put us 15 feet underground!

ATC: Well, up-periscope and taxi to the ramp. Anyone who has watched a group of pilots talking, understands this comment from a reader: If God had intended man to fly, he would have equipped a chosen few with universal joints so they could talk about it. I read today that the Boeing 777 has five million lines of computer code. Bet you wont see too many programmers flying in those babies! And for all you frequent airline flyers ...... 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay in side the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." 17 After a particularly bad landing made from the right seat of a commercial airliner, the First Officer heard the Captain announce Ladies and gentlemen, South West Airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our First Officer. Some months later, the same crew was together and, sure enough, the Captain made an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom, announcing, Ladies and gentlemen, South West Airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain. The Captain turned angrily to his First Officer: What did you say that for? Remember a couple of months back when you did that to me? But I never keyed the mike, protested the Captain. 18. Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." Stewardess's public address to passengers Check THIS out - wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants. "... Hello and welcome to Delta Flight 438 to San Francisco.If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast.If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Delta, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you? After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."