plan-a-under-way:

Adventure time is teaching us that pre-marital sex is OK.

People sound surprised about that. What they don’t realize is that Adventure Time exists for one reason alone: To indoctrinate our children to Drugs and Satanism. Did you think that surreal world was anything but an LSD bearing needle penetrating the eyes of our young to inject the seeds of dementia right into their minds? As television has done for so long, warping and teaching evil to our babies, Adventure Time has it down to a perfect science.

The simply drawn characters speed up the process of indoctrination because our kids can see themselves in their smiles. The boy, Flynn, is no more than a smiley face. And they made a female Flynn too so that girls wouldn’t be left out of the attack: They made gender swapped characters because they wanted to take the innocence not only of our sons but of our daughters! No little girl is pure once they see this festival of bright colored gore and social disgrace. A girl might as well drink the devil’s semen itself as watch an episode of Adventure Time.

And Jack the Dog- Lucifer himself. Brimstone yellow. Shapeshifting like Loki. Telling Finn to misbehave in every episode and it all happens without consequence. Why are their no consequences for the Clockwork Orange style assault the duo wage on the “Land of Goood”? Because Flynn’s parents are gone. This is a show that would make Ayn Rand smile! The destruction of the family unit. The destruction of morality. There is no God in the land of Goood, the characters all worship “Glob”, a clear reference to the slimy lord of the pit whom is the real master of the show and father of evil. Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub! The devil! The only god we see characters pay heed to in Adventure Time is the “Party God”, a hip teenage wolf, (Pan! The Satyr! Dionysus!) who hangs out in a conquered cloudy heaven with nymphs and sirens, an orgy in the temple. Only he can grant powers. Only one Angel is seen in the disgusting show, and she too is a corrupt beast who boils children alive. The show tells our sons that god will betray them like the witch of Hansel and Gretel. Teaches them to distrust heaven. Sickening.

Another slim god figure is a cave drawing made flesh named “The Prism”, I won’t even comment on the pagan lies thrust into our young’s ocular orifices. He seems to be the ultimate God in the multiverse of this abysmal filth, though all he does is grant wishes. So who opposes him as the so called evil in this realm? His name is the Lich, and he, I kid you not, and overt bastardization of our true lord Jesus Christ.

Dressed as a crusader, he is called an “un"holy ghost. Awakened in his first appearance like Christ from the tomb. His wish is to rapture away the living into the realm of the dead and to bring judgement upon their land as the lord Jesus Christ will upon ours, soon I hope and with the utmost vengeance upon the creators this show (Pendragon Ward and Natasha Aligheri. As in Dante Aligheri and Natasha the Russian Spy who pursued the all American Rocky and Bullwinkle).

Other villains abound- There is also the Ice Man, who in a blasphemous assault on Santa Claus (Big beard, icy home, Etc.) and the correct Caucasian image of a traditional God the Father. He is portrayed as either foppish or cruel, always persecuting the women of the show as Satanists and Atheists accuse our church of doing. They of course ignore that we only burnt witches, gays and whores as the Lord demanded we do.

So let’s take a look at our heroines, or should I say HEROINS!? The Chewing Gum Princess- Who experiments on cute little animals, who has friend-zoned the hero just as Leviticus warns against. The Fire Princess, hmmm, can we think of any other brimstone royalty? Could it be… SATAN?!?!? Magdalene, the Vampire Queen, who is clearly a lesbian and not as a warning about the dangers of homosexual lust, but a positive role model who YOUR DAUGHTERS will want to be. A gateway drug to Hot Topic.

So the drug references are hardly a surprise. The advocacy of premarital sex is nothing new here, that’s the least of it. There is no show more vile than Adventure Time, not even Science with Bill Nye. No thing in this world or the next more dangerous for our children. As a Christian, my eyes offend me and that is why, upon finishing this text, I pluck out mine own eyes in protest. And I encourage all who have been saved, all true sheep of the flock, all real lovers of The Almighty Lord Jesus H. Christ to do the same with me.

For if we martyr ourselves, Nickelodeon will see the error of its ways and our children will be safe. Stop Adventure Time now! Send your eyeballs to Nickelodeon c/o Viacom 1515 Broadway New York, NY 10036, and let the blood of us mothers flow to cleanse the airwaves!

