Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

An interesting day down the registry office this week when you discover that Midge Ures full name is actually Midget Uranium.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Youre kicked off your philosophy course when you try to illustrate an example of a syllogism by wanking all over the window in the study room.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

After your acting career has been reduced to appearing in gay bukkake porn, you decide its time for your comeback.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Why not start an Indian restaurant in Buenos Aires called Argie Bhaji?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

All you want is a nice, quiet girl that listens to how your day has been and you can snuggle up to on the couch. So youre going to have to pay her extra to change out of the standard clear plastic heels and peephole bra outfit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You regret buying that CD for your wifes birthday with a million songs on it. Youll never hear the end of it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

The boozer on your street is declared a ‘gastro-pub’ by locals because it serves cheese toasties.

Taurus (20 APRIL  20 MAY)

Its easy to lose touch with old friends with the pressures of work and raising kids. Its even easier when you never really liked them anyway.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You always wanted to do something groundbreaking and original so good news  this week your death certificate will be the first to use the phrase massive Teletubby-induced rectal trauma.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” is a poor closing statement in your sexual harassment case.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Your twelve step program probably isnt going as well as it could do if youre too pissed to read all the way to the end of step one.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

This week you will accept an offer of £220,000 for your two-bed house in Croydon from the charming psychic buyer who viewed it recently. Yes you fucking well will.