An Open Letter to Trans Women & Their Allies

From a Lesbian Married to a Trans Woman

As a lesbian married to an mtf transsexual woman, I think it’s time we had a conversation about trans women and the lesbians they desire to date.

This article might make you uncomfortable, whether you’re male or female, trans or not… but please read through to the end, if only so you can leave a more thorough negative response.

I’m a lesbian, which means that I am a female homosexual. Homosexuals are exclusively attracted to people of the same sex… and yet my spouse is mtf (a male who takes cross-sex hormones to create female secondary sex characteristics and minimize male sex characteristics), but mtf people never “graduate” from mtf to female… they cannot go farther than to be accurately described as male or mtf. I love my wife, but years of hormone replacement therapy and surgical options will never turn her into a female, give her a vagina, or in any way change her birth sex.

But I’m a lesbian. And I married her AS a lesbian.

Let’s talk about me for a minute: I was raised in a small conservative evangelical farming community, just north of what’s typically considered the Bible Belt. I survived what I will call a type of self-inflicted conversion therapy (I’ll talk more about this in the future); I’m a lesbian who is unable to have a female sexual partner due to trauma, both self-inflicted and otherwise. It’s unfortunate for me that it’s made me no less a lesbian… I remain a female homosexual. Turns out that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change my sexuality.

With enough time and professional help, I might be able to comfortably be with a female… but I might not. I don’t have anxiety attacks EVERY time I fantasize about the female body, at least not anymore. Still, when presented with the option to have sexual contact with a female (even if it’s someone I know well), I panic. The thought triggers “defense mechanisms” that I spent years creating to keep me safe from temptation and the sin of homosexuality.

So here I am, a female… exclusively attracted to other females. Despite marrying for the first time at 18, I have never experienced genuine attraction to men, or had sex with men that didn’t feel like a violation. I’m lucky, though… because I find myself in a position where I am [very] occasionally attracted to an mtf person. However, since I’m not bisexual, attraction to mtf people will always be in spite of characteristics that I am definitely NOT attracted to, and even characteristics that I am averse to.

Let me tell you something: it’s miserable. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. So why, then, are queer spaces everywhere trying to insist that lesbians date trans women?

Male people have always fantasized about and chased after unconsenting female people, but especially lesbians. When males are mtf or identify as women, lesbians are told by these people (and much of the rest of the LGBT community) that to not be attracted to them is to “deny their womanhood,” but this is blatantly false. When a female homosexual is not attracted to a person who is male, it is nothing except an acknowledgement that the person in question isn’t a female.

Now, as a masculine female person, I’ve had my womanhood denied a lot… Exclusively by males. I’m not attractive enough, I’m fat, I don’t wear makeup, I’m too loud, I’m unfuckable… and as such, I’ve often been compared to something less than my female peers. This is because when men don’t find a woman attractive enough to sleep with, they frequently default to comparing her to animals or males, or otherwise make it clear that she is less valuable because they deem her to be.

Is it any wonder, then, that rejection from a lesbian is seen as a denial of womanhood? After all, growing up and being socialized male, your peers teach you to see unattractive women as less-than women somehow… But I was never taught that by my female friends, only by my male friends. As a male, rejection from a lesbian shouldn’t be offensive or surprising (yet here we are)… but it shouldn’t happen, because males shouldn’t be propositioning lesbians at all.

If you’re a male or mtf person reading this, I have only one thing to say to you: lesbians are not for your consumption.

Read it again.

Lesbians are not for male consumption… not in porn, not in private fantasies, and definitely not in the bedroom. Do some lesbians date mtf people? Yes! But our reasons are our own, and we are the minority by far. If you’re male and you’re pursuing a lesbian, you are being predatory. When you hear a woman say she’s a lesbian, you should hear, “I only date females,” and if you’re not a predator, you won’t act like a straight male and continue with your advances.

To all the mtf people reading, no matter where in your transition you are: When you continue to pursue lesbians in the hopes of finding one like me, there is no way around it… you are being predatory. To the rest of the community insisting that lesbians be open to dating mtf (or male) people: your insistence that lesbians change our orientation or in any way compromise when it comes to our sexual and romantic partners is homophobia, and there’s no way around it.

If you are male, lesbians are not for your consumption. If you want lesbians to be your allies, start by showing us that you are ours.