We lit two cigarettes with one lighter, the flame licking both, leaning simultaneously in our seats to watch the street run by.

It’s been years and I couldn’t help but smile, too many things happening in my mind, too many faces flashes, too many memories and thankfully both me and Ian had a tendency to cling onto the happiest past, watching trains pass, when it came to the bad things. He wouldn’t recall. It was strange that we had gotten together back when people just held hands, but we could speak about love in the most childish of ways. It was a secret, of course but as we grew people picked up on it.

That was a train to pass, for now.

I looked at Ian, his polo unbuttoned due to the hurry for both of us to have an early breakfast, there was something between us, that he knew when I would wake up early and he would slowly lift himself from the bed, running a hand through his hair and kiss me as soon as I would have the thought of it, once I had taken my meds and woken up myself.

–

It wasn’t like it was drag, it felt like an identity of its own when I would look at him sometimes, putting on lipstick on the both of us, his mouth open when gently applying mine with a brush and tongue outside, bitten on the side.

It had been the weirdest request that I had gotten on Grindr. His name was Wes and Ian was out of town, I couldn’t reach him and we ended up throwing the suitcase down the stairs because I knew that an old crush of his would be at said trip. Working in the same company meant such things, I didn’t even want the witch in the same room. She didn’t believe in any part of homosexuality, so I didn’t know why he still kept in touch.

I downloaded it when he would go elsewhere, my mind drifting to a void, a hole which I couldn’t fill by wanking and it was the secret that I had kept. I just would shrug, as if scared to admit how I needed to hold another man in my arms every night and have sex as well.

Wes noticed my frustration and kept painting my face, after all, it was Halloween so why not do some soft drag? But it was only our faces which were painted and we were the only ones at our party, holding plastic cups, him admitting to saying they’d be a party just to have me over once more. Our first time was a quick fuck, he had pushed me against the floor, chocking me, pulling me back and thrusting deep inside me. He had invited me twice in two days.

Now he moved back onto the eyes and my eyes didn’t water from the mascara, but I kept blinking which caused Wes to smile at me.

He looked stunning, but I laughed at both of us with our plastic cups filled with vodka nearly to the brim, so that we would all drink up and smoke some cigarettes. He would blow smoke in my face, grinning, flirting, interlacing my fingers with his own until he leaned to my ear.

“I have a crush on you.”

I don’t think he’d remember it later. The blush highlighted my state. We started kissing, purple and red mixing. Lipstick traces running down my neck until he took off my short and paid extra attention to every area of exposed skin, as if he wanted to paint me with us. Tracing his fingers among my body hair later to ejaculate on and then the colours stuck and washed out like an old tattoo, when I came home to wash it all off.

Was I in love?

Two days.

How much was that? It was how heavy had my heart gotten. I wiped off everything with a shower, once Ian came back.

–

Wes.

He stayed with me.

Ian grew distant.

We would go to his apartment, which seemed to be an explosion of his entire life, while things were expensive mixed with thrifts, some ability I had never picked up. He would put his legs to his chest and listen to me, as I spoke of Ian now. At this point I had even asked me why didn’t he have glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and he just shrugged, stabbing the cigarette on the ashtray swiftly.

“I was never really into space.” He smiled sheepishly.

–

Was Ian a past life? I had accidentally stumbled on a few texts, which could’ve been taken any way and I got jealous-

“We’re not in love, but I make love to you.” Wes sang, looking at me, but as soon as I made eye contact he looked away, thought for a moment and sat up, since I was sitting in an armchair and kissed me, about to recite more Frank Ocean, but stopped in time, when the words wanted to come out of his mouth.

Why was there a lost love and one which was building and none of these things were spoken out loud?

I couldn’t decide on a favourite song yet for Wes, I wanted something which would convey my feelings, but I had left it on such, uncertainly, which we both dwelled on, which I just ignited really-

Ian.

Ian.

Ian.

I came back that night and we both smelled like other people, when we kissed for a while, before sliding into the bed for more sex, as if we could both still get it up and as if we both had still wanted it. But there was something animalistic within us, that still wanted the other and we made love.

–

Ian was always electric, that was what I liked about him. There was an aura, even though he kept it hidden from most people and was reserved, it wasn’t just when he drank, but it was when he was with me. It was always as if I was on a first date and he really wanted to make sure that we would’ve left for sex and pillow talk. Ian, was the one who had glow in the dark stars on his ceiling, growing up and his dreams about it.

“So.” He grinned, as if opening a box on Christmas once. “I would always fucking dream that I was an astronaut or a cosmonaut, since you know the Soviets were first and not sure I would’ve meshed well with-”

“Ian, you’re fucking a guy. I don’t think you would’ve meshed with anyone when you had homosexuality on the side.”

“True.” He said, a bit taken back, but joyful. “But I always dreamt that I was the one stepping outside, that I was the one to first fly around and I would look around, seeing how far earth was and my dreams would escalate. I would be the first one to step barefoot on the moon.”

I grinned at him and suppressed a laugh, which he gestured to just let out.

Sometimes speaking of Ian felt like the last beep on the phone after a dropped call, because it was done for. Because we were holding hands with someone else, but there was something making us both insanely in love with each other still.

–

It’s not like I even dreamt anymore, my heart was in my hands and it was heavy. It was filled with blood, to the brim and full of life. It was chocking me at times, but isn’t that what kept people going?

I wanted to rip my chest out further. It still felt heavy from all the love lost and gained.

–

I felt like my life started revolving around Wes’ sleeping cycle. I knew when he’d wake, when he’d sleep and most importantly when he became available. I had awoken some terrifying beast of love within me, which wanted me to just continue talking to him all the time, day and night, even shake him awake if needed, if I could.

I was losing my mind and that’s when I told Ian. With Wes, crying in my lap and me stroking his hair until he stopped, just as the call has gone smooth.

I felt like we were in some lovers painting, letting the audience decide what was really going on between us and what the fuck would happen later. I don’t know why I was stuck between two men, it felt inevitable like life and death. Day and night. I wasn’t sure where was life heading and how come I had fallen in love so easily. I had been looking for nothing and I had found everything. I ended the call with Ian, looking down at Wes’ still fresh tears.

I came back to Ian that night, we both smoked inside, our apartment wasn’t as fancy as Wes’ if to compare location-wise, after all where Wes lived, it was all about inheritance and when it came to both me and Ian, we had to struggle with everything. I wasn’t saying that Wes had nothing to fight for, but it was different.

“How many?” Ian had asked, pulling a strand of his longish wavy hair and looking at me.

“Just Wes.” I could see him flinch, that I had dropped the name so easily now. Ian looked down at his socks and inhaled the cigarette. “Who meant something.”

I made sure to wait Ian would look up.

“What about you?” My husband just shrugged. “No one, slept with a few, but… yeah, sure, the sex was great, I got to sleep with someone else. I’ve never really acted on my sexuality, just on the love I’ve held for you, but that ain’t working anymore, is it?”

“You’re putting words in my mouth.” I said suddenly and my husband was taken back, inhaling the cigarette faster just to breathe out the smoke. “I still love you.”

The small coffee table was between us, as if we were in a cafe, I wondered if that was Ian’s intention all along, like Chekhov’s gun, sometime to fire, but then at the same time what if it would’ve never fired at all? Who the fuck knows now? We were now caught red handed, each with a gun in hand and many problems to solve.

“Well, I want everything to go back.” Ian interrupted my gazing at the glass coffee table which only geometrically correct held the ashtray between us. He leaned back into his chair, rubbing his eyes.

“But that-”

“Isn’t going to happen.” I finished his sentence. I gulped and I could feel my whole body go stale, the saliva going down painfully. “I’ve fallen in love with Wes.”

“Does he know?”

“He knows.”

“And?”

I shrugged, putting my hands into my jacket, I hadn’t even bothered to take it off since I had arrived, the apartment was either too cold today or I was just really off even when it came to regulating body temperature. Ian didn’t take this too well, for my own sake, now though. He seemed to be focused on the fact, as if I were a friend, who just admitted unrequited love and he was thinking what the fuck to do now. My husband’s brows were together and he lit a new cigarette, passing it onto me and I wondered how many have I actually smoked in the span of these days.

I could read Ian’s expression.

I knew that what he’d say would be something like choose between me and him. Wes, he was younger and he was a new experience, but there was something about us which I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t just break him yet, but he was opening up, showing me polaroids of his life, since he had collected them even when they weren’t in production, so we sat down, when we just had sex and were in the messiest make up disaster ever known to man kind.

I had kissed him them, him dropping the polaroids gently onto the couch and we had made out for a good while with him on top of me, our erections flirting with each other, while rubbing even though we had just had sex.

I had tried to stir the topic to Ian.

“Ian… what about you?” He stared blankly at the ashtray, I could see that he had slept with plenty of women which seemed to last him a lifetime, but he shook his head.

“No one touched my heart in the way that Wes did for you.” He breathed out the smoke and finally looked at me, it was strange to see that they both had dark coloured eyes, but Wes’ were much deeper, while Ian’s were just hazel. Ian also had longer hair, which he would let loose, no one ever pestering him about it and he rarely did anything about it other than let it hang loose. “I was literally just having sex, Ewan, not making love to another man.”

–

I knew that Ian needed time, so I went to Wes’ ringing the door bell long enough just to open the door eventually, as if I was Alice, falling into a rabbit hole of love and misery. He peaked out of his bedroom, with a bottle in hand, cigarette in the other. I took a good gulp of Jack Daniels which he had offered me. I made a face, causing Wes to laugh and give me the cigarette, as if he had known that I would need it. The smoke numbed my tongue and I just looked at him.

I wanted to say things, but Wes shook his head, gesturing that it’s enough.

“I know, Ewan.” He turned to me and went to the kitchen, getting glasses for the whiskey and ice. “You love me.”

I sat still, as if I were in an interview.

“I don’t do boyfriends, I haven’t done that in a while.” He peaked out and gave me my glass and poured very generously, then proceeded to drink a bit from the bottle before pouring for himself. “Last boy broke my heart in second grade.”

“Wasn’t that a while back, Wes?”

“Fuck you.” He smirked, insulted, both of us clinging glasses together. “I told myself that I would love when the time comes.”

His dark eyes looked at me and I noticed that his hair wasn’t gelled.

“The time hasn’t come yet.”

“It hasn’t.” He stretched out his neck, scratching the area right under his beard. “But there are things which speak for themselves.”

Wes looked at me.

“But no.” I wasn’t sure what he meant by that.

–

I wondered what really was the heartbreak. What had shattered Wes’ heart. I wanted to know. Maybe that’s what made my blood spill from my heart. I didn’t know where to stick all my feelings and all my love for him. I was positive Ian wasn’t the guy to hear about it and neither was Wes himself.

–

I liked watching Wes. No matter what he was doing and how tired I was from sex, I would still watch him stand up and make us some food or just turn on the telly, browse the phone, dress up, clean up and wipe the saliva from his lips with the back of his hand.

I liked listening to Wes talk.

When he didn’t, I missed him, when we wouldn’t talk or when there was even a delay in pauses, I could fear tremble like a leaf inside me and then he’d kiss me and soothe me, knowing me from front to back, when I was reserved and he didn’t blossom fully.

–

Ian and Wes. Were they the two petals on the loves me, loves me not flower?

I pulled each petal with my teeth.

He loves me.

He loves me.

All a white lie to sleep at night.

–

I felt like my whole life was like a diary, that I was trying to find answers from a friend or a lover who I didn’t have. Things were rough with Ian and incomplete with Wes.

–

I didn’t understand how Ian had brought me breakfast in bed the next morning, as if all our cheating mattered nothing and under the daze of the dim morning light, I could barely remember why we had gotten so apart in the first place.

He felt like a lover from a distant time, someone I had stolen away, because he had been interested in some other girl, whose name I barely recalled now but he would mention her every once in a while, saying how funny how the world had turned to him, he would say with a smile and filled with love. I’m sure he would’ve mentioned her today, but today was off due to all the wrong reasons.

Maybe because I had been read by Wes at night, I wasn’t sure but I could see him drooling off the bed, laying diagnoally since he had admitted to stop sleeping for others for a while, which was strange because he was rather open and didn’t want any commitment or boyfriend for that matter. I wondered if he was looking for his Tengo or Aomame, just like in the Murakami book I was reading. I wasn’t sure. Maybe I would never be his-

“Ewan?” I shivered at the call of my name by Ian and looked up, as he just filled my cup with even more tea, him nagging under his breath that I should be drinking far more water than tea.

I wondered of Wes, of different men I had a crush on but never acted. Like this friend of mine, whom I’d go to gay bars with and I would point out to him who to cruise with and I would just sip on cocktails, texting Ian, bored, while he’d get sucked off or anything like that. He didn’t die of anything, somehow he stayed clean even if I knew he carried no condoms or maybe he was too ashamed to state something like hey, I got a STI like you had warned me. I wasn’t sure. I started thinking far too much about how his face would look like in pure ecstasy as he would pull the cock out of the other guy’s mouth, spilling cum on the other guy’s face. I knew he liked facials, we were rather into each other’s sex life and once I remember I had dragged him home with me to Ian, suggesting, laughing loudly and gesturing at the three of us, that we should try a threesome.

I had kissed him then and made out, until Ian broke us up-

That was it

Wasn’t it?

And now it was Wes.

Maybe I was the cheating type after all, but then I had fallen in love with Wes. He just hadn’t. But I didn’t want to lose Ian. I wanted them selfishly both.

–

Sometimes I wanted to storm into Wes’ place, where he would be laying down, lazily watching the telly and declare my love for him again and again and again until he would get it.

–

I keep watching Wes and I can’t help but fall in love deeper, as we had bought cake for two, which was really an entire cake and I would watch him, Frank playing in the back. Something Wes knew I associated with him and highly enjoyed. The cake was sub par, but we were taking our time with it, as if it would magically get better somehow.

Godspeed came on.

I looked at Wes, who nodded at me, with a what’s up and then I looked at the posters in his bedroom which were barely seen from here. For the envious, it was a small apartment sort of.

I didn’t know what to say and my hands shook more than usual. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him again. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t want it now.

Wes, I love you deeply. Was the mantra that was going on in my head. He’d always prepare for my visits and it was bewildering to even think that before I’d just come to get fucked hard and deep, now our sex had become far more sensual at times, at least in the very beginning of it, we would explore each other’s bodies more.

“I will always love you.” Rang in my ears still.

–

I knew that the void would never reply.

–

I would say it to Ian daily. Had we moved on? Had we accepted our fate? Had we just moved separate ways and would go out when the other would? Were we still in love?

–

The void wasn’t Wes. That’s why it wouldn’t reply honestly.

–

“I feel like you’ve become my painful muse.” I told Wes.

“Why painful?”

I didn’t reply.

–

I somehow managed to fall in love with another man, which was painful enough, while Ian slept with many women.

So who was the one to blame?

I couldn’t help but feel worse and worse about holding my feelings back for Wes. I could feel myself cracking at every step, every time I would raise my head to see him head to the kitchen to check on the food we were both attempting to cook.

I couldn’t fathom anything.

I could look at his through my fingers, hands on my face and there would be nothing I would be able to say. It would get more painful, I couldn’t fucking do anything. I was in love, deep.

–

Ian kept quiet and so did I, we would smoke sometimes in silence, as if we were unaware of what the other was doing. I didn’t really understand how the fuck were our dynamics even healthy, but we were still married. We still showed up in Christmas photos and cooperatives. We’re still together, just apart.

I wondered what would it take for us both to fall in love again? Can you even fall in love with someone twice? I looked at Ian, as I couldn’t see his eyes, covered by long wavy hair, smoke rising to the ceiling and he turned to look at me, wondering what was it that I was gonna say. There was no telly on or music, to fill in the noise.

I felt like I was changing, but then so was he. Ian, seemed to have found himself while I seemed to discover myself, but then maybe it had always been me all along? Ian had his hair short when we met, just like Wes, not gelled and we progressed he would change it from short to long, back and forth until he settled for a longer cut and he would look around. Sometimes I wondered if I was looking for another Ian, when things weren’t going well and I frankly was, but now Wes was different as fuck, which was unusual, even if my brain would try to find a pattern and try to find some similarities and a type of man for me, but it didn’t feel like they had anything in common.

Maybe because they both wanted me gone. I wasn’t sure, but at night when I would wish that I could smoke in bed (I really wasn’t because I had kept the pack next to the balcony or any of the windows and unless I wanted to piss, there was no way in hell I would stand up and neither did I drink water at night).

–

How many times?

–

Maybe I was the one ruining love for myself.

–

I wondered if other people would recognize me, when Blonde was running through my veins. I remembered and toyed with the idea of dying my hair back blonde and it kept recurring, I had never told many people about cheating on Ian, so if I were to say that my music taste had changed, it felt like letting in on a secret that I had fallen in love with someone else. Because someone had changed me for the good, someone had just switched off the lights in my old room and the glow in the dark stars suddenly became stars and Wes would just stare at them, taking my hand, to tell me the world-

He knew.

So what was wrong with me?

–

Wes played with my hair, which was even shorter than his, he had barely anything to play with, frankly. I wondered when had my sexuality stabilized so much. I had wondered when did that happen. It hit me suddenly, because both me and Ian never really discussed it much, Ian knew that he preferred girls, but there I was cruising with guys and falling in love with Wes, so I sat up and looked at him in the eyes. Sometimes, I would get scared before entering his apartment, never knowing what to expect, but once I’d see his dark eyes it was always different.

I saw those stars in his eyes, even if he didn’t enjoy space, he’d make sure to always have Frank on when I’d be around, he’d put Nikes on nearly after I would walk in or tell me a few seconds to wait, once after I had decided on a rather bizarre gesture. I bought him a bouquet, something which felt like he would like. He had flowers every once in a while, I was dressed accordingly, I was pretty flamboyant, yet the lady said that I had making this for a very lucky girl. I chose the flowers accordingly to what I recalled from my mother, when she still had expectations for me and then I made it.

Flowers were something I wanted to step over.

Maybe that’s why I wanted them for Wes. I wasn’t sure enough-

But he had opened the door, Self Control playing today and he froze in his steps, slippers on and I’m guessing he had fallen asleep, I could only dream that it was of me and he looked up.

“Thank you. You… remembered I liked these.” He didn’t bother me with names, because I had no idea what I had chosen and he took the bouquet carefully, running a hand through his hair, not sure what to even say as he headed into the kitchen to get a vase.

I tried not to say anything else, but we just sat there for a while, looking at the flowers before he plunged himself to kiss me deeply on the couch, the bouquet right in front of us-

Maybe he thought a lot of me too.

I should’ve bought more flowers.

–

I don’t think it matters what shape does love take. Or who the person really is, I laid on Wes’ chest as we smoked, sharing a cigarette as always and I couldn’t help but stop, now, I felt like I would cry if I could, but I wasn’t a crying guy. Maybe it’s because I used all my tears growing up, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t care who we were, I didn’t care where we would be.

I blew the smoke away from me, feeling Wes’ breathing. There was no timer. He could fall in love with me anytime or never at all.

–

I could feel his finger stroke me all over, I could feel his attraction and the flowers still stayed fresh and I wondered if he just kept now buying the same bouquet, since it wasn’t maybe that hard to decide which flower store was it, after all, he knew all the flowers, I could see him reading a book on flowers, but I knew that he most likely fell in love with each one of them telling a story of a lover.

I wondered if I was doing a cheap bribe, by getting many at once. I could see him tearing the bouquet apart and telling me which lover meant what and maybe settling on one flower for me or maybe I could somehow fall into the metaphor of life, because after all what was life in the end of the day?

Wes kissed me. I deepened the kiss, we had started hanging out far more than just having sex, it was as if we started craving each other in all other words. With Ian it was different. I closed my eyes, I wanted to think of my husband separately-

But then, I had no idea. I needed to give it time.

–

We had all met. I was already searching my jacket pockets for a packet of cigarettes, going outside and all of a sudden, Wes was heading inside. We stood still, for a moment, people passing and the doors closed enough for there to be glass between us.

“What is it?” Ian asked me, tracing my gaze until it fell upon Wes. I expected him to puff up like a cold pigeon, but instead I could hear a soft sigh, until he made the move either the two of us were scared to do, I followed my husband outside and instantly lit my cigarette, my hands shivering even though it was rather warm outside for this time of the year. I was just in a jacket after all.

“Wes?” Ian asked and gave out a small, polite smile.

“Yeah. I’m Wes, Ian.” And he instantly stretched out his hand. For some reason I stared at his fingers, recalling all the touch both decent and indecent. “Sorry.”

He shook his head, as if trying to wake up from a long sleep.

“Sorry-”

“Lovely to meet you, Ian.”

“Likewise.” And then I gave a good look at my husband. He knew, as they shook hands. Ian stuck his hand in my jacket and took out the car keys, I wouldn’t be driving anyway, I barely could. I still had no idea how I had gotten a driver’s license and I just never enjoyed it like Ian. There was no trace of sarcasm. “C’mon, chill, it’s just your boyfriend.”

And with that Ian, playing with the keys in his hand left me and Wes.

“We’re not boyfriends-” But Ian just motioned with his hand, that such a detail was irrelevant coming from a mouth like mine. I turned to look at Wes, who had taken my cigarette and took a good drag from it.

“We’ll get there.” He said.

–

My heart wouldn’t stop breaking, shattering, aching. I needed more of Wes and I desperately needed Ian. I’d wake up at night recalling Wes’ insomnia but I always seemed to miss that and he’d be asleep by the time I would wake. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to know so much more. My body just ached and craved for his touch and his mouth.

–

“This unrequited love

To me it’s nothing but a one-man cult

And cyanide in my Styrofoam cup

I can never make him love me

Never make him love me”

I didn’t even notice Ian as I was reciting it from memory and looking at the ceiling, my legs up on the bed, lying on the floor and he just stopped dead in his tracks.

“You really do love him, then?” I didn’t answer. “Dinner’s ready.”

–

I put the fork down and I could feel Ian stop the small talk, where I had just been nodding. He tilted his head to one side, but I wanted to speak, so he gave me time. I was too scared to say it out.

“I’ve never really even given myself the time to think if I want two people. I just fell in love.” Ian drank some water and tapped fingers against the table.

“I just wanna sleep around… sometimes.” I raised my eyes at him, not realizing that I had been avoiding his hazel gaze all this time.

“So… we cool?” I asked, my hands shaking as I picked up the fork.

“I never said I’d leave you.” Ian chewed slowly, thinking about the right words. “I vowed, not because I don’t believe in divorce, but I meant it. I would love you regardless and I hope the same for you.”

–

We were both drunk. Again. Maybe that’s why because it was easier to just dissolve and laugh between kisses, I wasn’t even sure. I had started making a habit of buying bouquets, making sure that I was the one providing fresh flowers for his apartment. I didn’t know why I fixate on it. I tried to read on flowers online, but soon enough I got bored, but the right names would come to my mind as I would pick for the next bouquet.

Maybe that’s when it clicked for the lady, but then I remember I was at work, even if I had a ring on my finger, people assumed I was straight with a bright red jacket and changing my shoes more often than the guys would change their shirts. I didn’t know how it had happened, how I got in the middle of an argument, but I couldn’t help but wonder how could people just make assumptions on LGBT people not even knowing what one was.

“Fuck them.” Wes said, tripping and grabbing the next bottle of vodka, cigarette in mouth. I wanted to say something stupid, but instead I kept it in my mouth, about to spill out, he had said that as I described how they complained how promiscuous we were. How we were anomalies.

Anomalies.

That word stung.

I just finished the coffee as much as I could and spilled the rest into the sink, causing the two guys to stop in their tracks and I had left to Wes’. Ian was still at work. I couldn’t care.

Our legs were intertwined on his couch, telly on and all and we were laughing. I think by now he had a bouquet on every window sill, I would love seeing his surprise, as if I had never given him one, as I would pass it to him carefully now, as often as we would meet.

We stopped, as if we hadn’t known the beat.

“My guy pretty like a girl, but he got fight stories to tell.” Wes choked on his bottle of vodka, he didn’t refuse. We were beyond drinking from the discarded shot glasses. I wasn’t even sure where they were.

“I would’ve fought, for the record.” He laughed, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers and we stared at each other for a pretty good damn while, as if it was some sort of first kiss and eventually we both closed our eyes and I went on top of him. Wes wrapped his arms around my back, opening his mouth and I followed.

“I need that bitch to grind on my belt.” I pulled him by the collar of his shirt and then slid my hand lower, lifting up his shirt slightly to stroke the exposed skin.

“You’re really gonna seduce me with-” I bit his neck. He moaned. I went back to his lips, hungrier than ever, both of us terribly turned on and breathing heavily in unison, grinding. Wes shifted his arms around my neck and biting his lip, as we broke the kiss to look at each other. I slid my hands under his shirt and traced his skin with my fingers, before going lower and lower.

“Fucking tease.”

“You’ve never really seen yourself in the mirror, have you?” I couldn’t even smirk from my own remark, just a brief grin before undoing his belt. Wes shifted up, as I unzipped his jeans. I could feel myself get heavily turned on, as if I wasn’t already.

“I feel like a fucking virgin every time with you.” Wes laughed. I tried to choose my words carefully, but instead I kissed him, he returned the kiss and we held gazes for a bit.

He knew.

I went down.

I took as much as I could.

Wes kept pushing further into my mouth and throat, causing me to gag. I took out my own cock and started stroking myself. He pulled me off his dripping in saliva cock by my hair.

“Why do you feel like a virgin?” I coughed from all the cock in my mouth, edging motherfucker.

“Because I feel like I’m always making love for the first time to you.” Wes stopped in his tracks. He eased his grip and stroked my hair.

“Fucking inexperienced.” I continued. “Not knowing where to stick my feelings and just going further down the rabbit hole-

To find bouquets, to find Frank Ocean as a constant soundtrack-

And desperate.”

–

“You’re not sleeping with anyone else other than Wes and I, are you?”

I shook my head.

“Just you and Wes.” I repeated, as if for myself.

–

I wake up when they turn off the streetlights, when its no longer necessary to know whether it’s night or day.

I wake up next to Ian mostly, but instead I go down the stairs, once I had insomnia strike me down, writing a quick note for Ian, knowing that he won’t recall the fact that I needed to head out at 7 am, this cold winter morning.

12th January.

But I wake up so often to Wes, just to see him water the flowers I’ll never recall beyond red and white, thorns or not-

“Do you want the thorns off?” Cigarette already in my mouth, about to pay, as my hands tremble.

“Never.”

–

Roses. I had added roses this time, flowers I had to give so often to family and beards for family, some of them who I’ve cared about

But these were different

Sometimes, I wanted to tell him

Wes, I can’t go on

I love you

I love you and you’ll never love me back.

The roses were scattered on the bouquet.

“You’re pretty serious today or something?” I just brushed the question aside.

–

“Tell him you love him.” Ian had told me once, we were sober. That’s what marriage does to you. I ignored him and then he took me by my hands, so that I would look into his hazel eyes.

We stayed quiet. We squeezed each other’s hands.

“Please tell me you ain’t sleeping with the witch.” Ian burst out laughing and shook his head, tears coming from his eyes.

“No, no.”

I didn’t reply.

“Is that it?” He smiled at me. “Just… the witch.”

I nodded.

“I don’t want someone homophobic or transphobic sitting on our table if-”

Ian laughed even deeper.

“I love you. You’re the one whose in love with someone else, Ewan, as well.” He tilted his head on me, as if I were a child. “I know.”

We held hands for a long while, before we kissed again, it was different. It was as if someone had unveiled the final scene in a theatre play. I was

I was

In a comedy?

Sure, I’d die one day. But today wasn’t it.

“Fucking invite him for dinner tonight. I’ll cook, I don’t want food poisoning.” But I was shaking as he said it and stood up to get some water. Fucking hydration.

–

I carried the bouquet

It felt heavy for once, I avoided roses at all costs prior.

Frank in my ears, headphones quickly taken from the living room, where I had been sleeping prior, listening to music to avoid Ian, but now…

Checkhov’s gun had fired.

I was in love.

I was a man on a mission.

I couldn’t joke, I kept ringing and ringing-

“You’re-” Wes wasn’t even looking at the bouquet. “Early.”

“But we didn’t mark anything for today.”

“I hadn’t opened Grindr in who knows how long, Ewan.” Wes smirked and I couldn’t help but stare at the younger lover, I stepped over the door threshold and held the bouquet tight, my hands shaking and I handed it over, feeling bare, stripped-

In love.

“You’re no longer a sketched up meeting.” Wes said quietly, his expression soft and unreadable today. He didn’t put the flowers in the water at first, we just stood there in his corridor.

“Roses.”

“Yeah, they’re the only ones I know the meaning of.” Wes looked up at me and his gaze softened even further. “Or I might just be guessing

But I-”

Wes stopped in his tracks, looking down before back up at me. He didn’t take a second breath.

“I love you, Ewan.”

“I love you, too.”

I started crying. Wes just stared at me for a second, before throwing his arms around me and I kept crying. I clutched his stripy shirt. He was already dressed. Fucking fortune teller. I started bawling, Wes held me and that’s when I started laughing and Wes caught up with me. I raised my head from his shoulder.

He did a full grin and stroked my tear filled face, they wouldn’t stop.

“Words escape me-

I love you. I love you. I love you.” I sill clutched his shirt. He didn’t need a cigarette.

“I’ve been making love to you for so long.” Wes nearly whispered.

–

“I don’t think words will ever express fear, death, love or sex.

It’s not even that you need to know what it is to describe it, it’s probably the fact that it should be two-sided.” Now we were smoking, the heavy rose bouquet in front of us on the table.

Wes listened, I couldn’t keep my mouth off his.

“And even then… we’re no Gods to describe what’s divine.”

I grinned when the album reached the right song and closed my eyes, Wes kissed me again.

The right lines were sung by Frank Ocean.

–

“One thing we can describe is doubt, because it’s within us. It’s not something we share. It’s the reflection we see, until we call the person over, to ask them if they’ve seen our outfit, maybe ask for a photo before buying an item of clothing… But I’m digressing

I’m not one to describe love

Because I am in love and no words will ever

ever

convey what I feel for you every fucking day.”

“Not even Frank?” Wes mocked me, right after I had told him that I had listened to everything back and forth since we had met, every day.

“Not even Frank.” I paused. I looked at Wes, I thought of Ian, who knew me, I paid attention to the song now. I closed my eyes as Wes ran his hands through my hair, giving me the cigarette and I inhaled, grinning, opening my mouth and looking at him and

“It’s not even that I’m free from all the weight of every single flower I’ve given you.

I’m yours.”

Just like a text message, we think too much, even when the other knows, so we keep erasing, rewriting, assuming and playing God.

–

I laughed at myself and cried a lot, Wes held me the whole day, he’d come to dinner.

–

We were about to leave for dinner, when Wes stopped me.

Godspeed was on. Wes spoke-

“I’ll always love you

Until the time we die.”

I nodded-

There is no ending. I can write as much as I want, but-

Wes knows it all.

Everything-

We laughed when Godspeed was on a loop.