AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark overhaul of traditional curriculum standards, the Texas State Board of Education voted Tuesday in favor of a legislative recommendation that public high schools no longer require teachers to include autoerotic asphyxiation in their health education curriculum. “We stand firm in our belief that we should not be instructing our children in the practice of fastening a belt to a bedpost or doorknob and then looping the other end around their necks, restricting the flow of oxygen to their brains to increase sexual arousal during self-stimulation of their genitals, ultimately achieving a transcendent, shuddering climax,” said Sue Melton-Malone, chair of the board’s Committee on Instruction. “Furthermore, the board finds that studies suggesting autoerotic asphyxiation increases when not taught in schools are specious at best. While sexual breathplay has been a mainstay of Texas sex education for more than 60 years, we now feel the subject is inappropriate and quite possibly dangerous.” At press time, a coalition of parents’ groups had released a statement confirming that they would be homeschooling their children in traditional Texan asphyxiophilia.

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