The National Commission for Women (NCW) is very upset. Salman Khan, the Bollywood superstar, has not proffered it an apology for making a rape analogy during an interview. That the NCW should have better things to occupy themselves with, like asking for an apology from the member of Rajasthan Commission for Women who took a selfie with a rape victim, is another matter. But while the media and social media is asking for Khan’s head, he has been supported by family and Bollywood friends, and I can pretty much guarantee that audiences will not stay away from his next week’s film release. But why?

What is it about Salman Khan that makes him the apple of every Indian’s eye? What makes the sun never stop shining out of Khan’s posterior? Unlike the other Khans, whose films can sometimes be misses, Salman’s films are always blockbusters. However horrible they may be. Whatever controversy they may be released after. None of the slurs that are cast his way ever stick to him. His film theatres are never boycotted or picketed. It’s simply bizarre how he has held the title role of the ‘Misunderstood Wayward Little Prince With A Heart Of Gold’.

I’ve racked my head about it and finally realized that Salman is the darling of the masses and much of the classes—I can’t even count how many people have told me what a “good and kind man" Khan is—because he is the quintessential Indian man. Espousing all the values that a traditional Indian man should have. Let me count the values for you.

The good son: Khan can be accused of many things, but the one thing he can’t be accused of is of treating his family poorly—of course, making them do many rounds of various courts in the country and constantly apologising for him being kept aside. The 52-year-old Khan has gone on record multiple times, stating that he will not live alone and does not want to leave the apartment he has shared with his parents since childhood. Now isn’t that sweet? He’s also the only regularly earning member of the family. And is a very good brother to his not-so-well employed or talented siblings. Who else would allow Arbaaz Khan to direct a film or Sohail Khan to produce one, and then star in these films. Which Indian parent doesn’t want a son or brother like him? Yes, he makes them visit the court awfully often, but that’s a small price to pay for having such a loving son. Thoda sa bigda hua hai, par dil ka accha hai (He’s a bit spoilt, but has a heart of gold).

The passionate and devoted lover: Salman is as famous for his alleged crimes as he is for his long-term relationships with various actresses. He’s also not one to hide his affairs of the heart, sometimes much to the displeasure of his lady loves. Starting from Somy Ali to Sangeeta Bijlani to Aishwarya Rai to Katrina Kaif, Khan has proudly proclaimed his love for and single-minded devotion to all of them. Yes, sometimes he’s so passionate about his love for them, that he roughs them up—as Rai had claimed—or sets up guard outside their home, and even hits them with a stick if they wear clothes which do not meet his sanskaari values. He may not be the poster boy for teetotallers, but like all good Indian men who drink, he doesn’t like his girlfriends to drink. So what does he do? He empties their glass of alcohol on their table. What passion! Really! Which right-thinking woman doesn’t want a lover like him, who gives new meaning to the term “slap and tickle"? And whatever his lovers may say about him, he never says an unkind word about them. Also, such is his passion and charm, that all the women—sans Rai—are his great supporters and friends, happy to have him support their business endeavours and lend them a shoulder and a film role, if necessary.

Sanskaari Salman: Yes, he may rough up his girlfriends; drink himself silly; be accused of running over pedestrians, allegedly maiming one, killing another and running away from the crime scene; stand by while his driver claims to have committed the crime after a decade of the incident being investigated; chase and halal a black buck or two, and even carry guns without licences; and make a rape analogy, if given the opportunity. But through it all, what is important is that Khan is a sanskaari—a conservative and traditional sort. He doesn’t like his girlfriends wearing revealing clothes. He has been quoted as saying, “It (the blouse) didn’t fit properly, and would have taken away from the beauty of the scene. Eat what you like, and wear what others like. It is as simple as that." He has also gone on record to say he doesn’t want his wife to act in films. Most importantly, Khan is the only superstar who has never kissed on screen. Because you see, good Indians may philander, murder, pillage, threaten and slaughter—but kiss in public? Over their dead body.

Salman ki life mein ek usool hai, no thank you, no sorry: Most importantly and finally, Khan is a man’s man. Afraid of no one and never apologetic for his actions. So Sallu, like all real men, never apologises. Don’t expect Khan to say sorry. Real men never do.

See, now it makes sense why he’s the poster boy for so many Indian men—and women. Because in him resides all that we hold dear to the making of a good Indian man. So stop asking him to say sorry or be responsible for his actions. Just thank the lord that we have someone to show generations of Indians how to be the complete, slightly delinquent, man.

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