CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shortly after conducting a Google search for “girl scout cookies buy,” sources say local man Nicholas Tadros became engulfed in a powerful wave of self-loathing after making the conscious decision to enter his zip code into girlscoutcookies.org’s Girl Scout Cookie locator. “Christ,” said the thoroughly self-debased man as he clicked on a link called “Meet the Cookies” and read paragraph-long descriptions of Samoas, Trefoils, Savannah Smiles, and Do-Si-Dos, his entire being burning with white-hot humiliation and self-disgust. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” At press time, a visibly distressed Tadros was silently cursing himself as he filled out a Girl Scouts of Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana’s contact form so that a girl scout could personally help the abashed loser place an order.

Advertisement