TAMPA, FL—With Tropical Storm Isaac’s torrential rains battering the Gulf Coast of Florida, Republican National Convention organizers raced to build a protective levee out of local poor people Monday in order to prevent the Tampa Bay Times Forum from flooding. “We brought in several truckloads of low-income residents and welfare recipients from the Tampa area, and we have dozens of volunteers laying them down flat and packing them real close together to create a watertight barrier,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, noting that there were “more than enough” impoverished families devastated by foreclosures to fashion a sufficient levee around the entire 20,000-seat structure. “We’re still looking forward to a very productive, successful three days of celebrating conservative values and laying out a bold new direction for our country. And in terms of the storm, the poor people are now stacked nearly 5 feet high and 4 feet deep, so we should be good.” In a further attempt to assuage concerns about safety, Priebus confirmed that crews had already secured the convention site against high winds and debris by nailing hundreds of illegal immigrants over the arena’s windows.

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