Released: 29th November

Seen: 29th November

The month of December’s a fabulous thing

There’s joy in the air and carols to sing

The lights are hung high upon every roof thatch

And stores sell their toys in many a batch

And down in the cinema, some of the time

Sits a pretentious reviewer, thinking in rhyme

(Yes, we’re doing this. What did you expect?

To give up on this gimmick, that would be neglect)

“Oh joy” snarked the reviewer, nestled low in his seat.

“Another Illumination film, what a treat,

Oh look, there’s a minion cartoon to be seen”

He watched them in anger, his skin turning green

“It’s stupid” he mumbled “Timing they lack,

In this pathetic short titled ‘Yellow Is The New Black’”

He kicked at the chair and felt so forlorn,

Wishing he’d bought Toffee Apple Popcorn.

He stared up in boredom, not a laugh to be heard

The lack of amusement felt rather absurd

The bright yellow character’s shaped like a pill

So annoyingly stupid that they made him feel ill

When the short film had ended, he sighed in relief

“Those things just aren’t funny, it beggars belief”

And then it began, much to reviewer boy’s disatisfaction

The start of the real (pointless) feature attraction

It started OK with a couple of jokes

Although they got no bloody laughs from the folks

The designs looked quite nice, it had to be said

The film seemed alive, just the audience was dead

For scene, after scene, the pixels danced brightly

“To be fair” he admitted “It isn’t unsightly,

I dare say this isn’t the worst that I’ve seen,

Indeed I might even imply that I’m keen

To see more of the scenery surrounding this tale”

Then the story set in, and he let out a wail

Through cinema history, if you’ll indulge for a pinch

There’s only been two movies made of The Grinch

The first was live action, starring Mr Jim Carrey

To say it was popular would be cautionary

It was dark but engaging, an actual cult classic

Although the who’s may have been made from plastic

Yet for some unknown reason, I never will know

They decided the Grinch needed backstory. NO!

This one does it too, the same dreadful plot

About how the Grinch was an orphan as a tiny green tot

It’s pointless, it’s stupid, it’s rather unseemly

“I’m afraid I can’t look at this plotline quite keenly”

Then there’s the music, it’s utterly crap

We do not need “Mean one Mr Grinch” as a rap!

Sure, the carols are nice… up to a point

But the whimsy is gone, it broke out of this joint.

It lacks lots of life, like one might expect

Replacing it with repatative notes to forget

The reviewer smacked himself in the face

“At least it’s not shocking Grinch butt in my face”

No sooner had the words left the reviewers dumb lips

Did the Grinch bend on over and shake out them hips

“What’s the problem?” he thought, trying to understand

“It’s not that it’s awful, it’s just terminally bland,

It’s not that I hate it, indeed I’m quite frightful

That I find some sequences are rather delightful,

The scene with the goat brought out a small titter

Like a silly one-liner one reads on the twitter,

Then there is Cindy, she’s got character now

Not much, but enough that it makes me say wow

But the jokes, they’re not working. Almost all of them suck”

Then another failed joke made him mumble “Oh Fu-“

Minutes ticked by, the padding abundant

Multiple sequences felt quite redundant.

The characters bored and it really got scary,

When the film underutilised Angela Lansbury.

“Oh my god” He grumbled out under his breath

“It’s not awful, just boring. Boring, almost, to death

Can anything happen to give me delight,

To make this film not a waste of my night”

Now sure, he was seeing this film in the day

But it’s part of the gimmick so… just go with it, ok?

When they got to the end, to the iconic conclusion

With the heart growing large amidst Christmas confusion

And they stuck the landing, they had it… and then

They added more padding and he grumbled again

“HOW” he yelled on the inside “COULD THEY

THINK THAT THEY NEEDED TO ALTER THE ENDING THAT WAY!?”

He leaned back again and pouted a little

“I do not enjoy how they chose to belittle

This iconic story about capitalism

And how it is meaningless against altruism

The story was perfect, it had quite the message

But it’s lost in this padding that’s rather excessive”

When the film was all done, he rose from his seat

Walking out to his car, slowly dragging his feet.

“It’s not that it’s bad” He explained to himself

“It’s just that the film doesn’t trust it’s damn self,

The story is timeless, iconic, transgressive

Dr Suess, if he’s anything, was rather obsessive

With getting a message snuck into his story

And this one is simply a good allegory

About loving each other each holiday season

About coming together, whatever the reason

It’s a cry against a consumerist culture

That inundates December like a vulture

And instead of that, we get a piece of dumb fluff

In a little green suit with his hair in a puff”

The movie itself isn’t awful per se

But it’s nowhere near great, I would just stay away

If you’re looking for something to delight the kids

Might I say, watch the cartoon from 1966

So that it the end of my rhyming review

And if you didn’t like it well… I’m sorry, I really couldn’t resist this opportunity to be a little silly, I swear it won’t happen again unless Illumination decides to do another Dr Seuss film which I really hope they don’t because I have personally had enough of people trying to adapt these books into films that last longer than 15 minutes… crap, that didn’t rhyme… thankyou?

It’s light and fluffy, no bite and nothing memorable about it. It won’t harm your kids, but they won’t gain anything either

What did you think about The Grinch? What’s your favourite Dr Seuss Book? Let me know in the comments below

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