Shikamaru Vs. Appeal to the Stone (Appeal to Absurdity)

Shikamaru breathed out a sigh. What an amazing week! They'd rescued four cats, fixed three porches and essentially just watched as Kakashi beat up two thieves.

Truly they were the fiercest ninjas of all time. Shikamaru had spent most of his young life away from the village with his mother, learning with a tutor until he could enter Fire University to study non-ninja things, so the whole economics of the ninja world was new to him. They were ranking missions from "A" to "D" with the lower letters being the lower paying and lower-skilled ones.

Apparently this was the only way the village made money, besides whatever support the rest of the Fire Country gave them. This seemed like a dubious method of making money to Shikamaru, especially since most of the missions they'd done this week appeared to have been doled out by old ladies he couldn't have had more than a handful of coins to rub together.

But that was only until, after waking up in the morning, he'd heard a knock on the window. Upon opening it, he'd discovered two scrolls. One was from Kabuto and it told him what mission he was going to get with his team today, and what parts of it were a lie, and what was really going on.

It also asked Shikamaru for a tricky favor.

He did owe Kabuto for not one but a minimum of two favors.

I'm probably going to need a lot more from him too, Shikamaru thought.

Why would Kabuto want me to do this? Shikamaru wondered. It was ridiculous to think that Kabuto would be willing to get him killed or imprisoned though, so it must be a test of some kind, or perhaps this was the real mission because the mission that would be assigned later was being watched for some reason?

Kabuto did seem to have some connection to the upper brass, so, it made sense. Still, he couldn't help but wonder why he'd been chosen like this, and why they weren't talking to him directly.

Obviously something really strange is going on in the village, just like you thought with whoever is controlling the curse-mandated Uchiha. So they need to make contact really carefully. They'll contact you eventually.

Through Kabuto, they must've noticed Shikamaru's abilities which would be useful to staying under the radar. Knowing people's blind spots because of their logical framework was certainly super useful for this kind of thing.

Feeling a bit more satisfied with the whole thing, Shikamaru burned the first scroll per Kabuto's instructions and put the second in his pack as per the secret mission guidelines.

That one could only be delivered to its intended recipient, and would apparently self-detonate if anyone else tried to read it.

That done, Shikamaru decided to make a few extra preparations of his own since pulling off what Kabuto was asking of him was going to be tricky.

"Two teams just to help some old guy find a few dusty books?" Naruto said, complaining loudly.

Shikamaru, Kakashi, Choji, and Naruto were standing in the open area where missions were given out. The Third Hokage, an old man with a small white goatee and a pipe with the hat designating him as leader of the village sat next to Iruka, the academy teacher.

The room opened up onto a balcony and the Hokage and Iruka sat in front of a table with mission books on it. Beside Shikamaru and the rest of Team 7 was what was apparently called Team 10. This consisted of Sasuke, a kid with those red eyes from the Uchiha clan who was always telling anyone who seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, and the girl Shikamaru knew, Ino. There was also someone he didn't know as much about who wore black glasses and a high-collared trenchcoat, named Shino. Their leader was a chain smoking Asuma, who Shikamaru had already befriended through his parents.

"It's a C-ranked mission," The Third Hokage was saying, pausing to blow out smoke he had inhaled through his pipe. "And since it's the first mission that might involve combat for all 6 rookie genin, we've decided to take it a bit easy on you all instead of throwing you right into the fire. We don't have an endless amount of children from the village to waste on deadly missions, after all!"

The Third threw back his head and laughed, "ha ha ha," which Shikamaru found at least a little disturbing.

I wonder if Kabuto's secret mission orders came from him?" Shikamaru thought. "And why are they secret? Who else could be here watching when the mission is handed out that would necessitate this round-about approach?

"Well, shouldn't we get going already?" Ino asked, putting her hands on her hips. She looked over at Sasuke to see if he was paying attention. He wasn't. He was simply standing there, waiting, eyes intently on the Third.

"The one who ordered the mission is named Tazuna. He's an archeologist and he'll be waiting for you outside of town. The place where you're going is known to be crawling with bandits, so be careful."

Asuma and Kakashi both nodded. Shino and Sasuke stood as still as statues, Naruto looked angry and like he was about to start complaining again.

Choji just stood there happy as a clam.

Shikamaru made his way over to Naruto. There was nothing for it, he needed Naruto for this. All he could do was hope Naruto didn't immediately blurt everything out.

"What do you want Shikamaru?" Naruto said loudly as Shikamaru made to get close enough to whisper to him.

"Secret just for you," Shikamaru said, as everyone else was now staring at both of them.

Naruto stuck out his lip stubbornly but let Shikamaru approach. Fortunately, Naruto brightened considerably when Shikamaru told him how important he was to what needed to happen, which actually was true.

The first words out of Shikamaru's mouth was for him to be quite about it, but of course Naruto just had to blurt out-

"Really? Wow! OK!"

Why are the most powerful ones also the most stupid? Shikamaru thought.

"OK, is everything understood then?" The Third said, looking at Naruto skeptically.

"Yes, of course, got it," Naruto said, giving the Third an exaggerated wink.

Shikamaru was thinking murderous thoughts. The rest of the group filed out the front door, but there were enough adults staring at Shikamaru that he didn't even have to be told to stay behind until even Naruto had walked out, babbling about how important he was.

He's going to get me killed somehow, I just know it. Shikamaru had told Naruto as little about what was actually going to happen as possible, but apparently it was already enough to make everyone around him suspicious.

And since the people supporting my experiments haven't deigned to tell me who they are, I don't know who I can tell about my secret mission and who I can't, Shikamaru thought.

This is a serious pain.

"What did you tell Naruto?" Kakashi asked casually.

Shikamaru did his best to act as dismissive as possible.

"It was a massive pain, but I just told him that he was super important to the mission," Shikamaru said, mostly truthfully.

"And he reacted that quickly to that?" Asuma said. His eyebrows shot up as he looked after where Naruto and the rest of the group were walking down the hall.

"Well," Shikamaru began. What on earth was he going to tell them? Oh don't worry, I'm not experimenting with Ninja magic without permission or concocting any secret unauthorized mission. Who would do that? Only a fool! Ha-ha.

"Shikamaru made quite an impression on the boy when I was testing them," Kakashi said by way of explanation. This seemed to satisfy the adults, who shrugged and beckoned in the next group for mission assignments.

I wonder why he helped me out there, Shikamaru thought. He hurried through the door to catch up with the group.

This time, Naruto let him whisper in his ear right away.

"What? That's ridiculous Shikamaru. Why should I do that?"

Shikamaru did more whispering.

"Really? You really think so?" Naruto asked.

Man, he's so transparent, Shikamaru thought.

"Correct. Absolutely," Shikamaru said.

Predictably they had a part two to the whole everyone staring at them thing when a beaming Naruto suddenly announced-

"Ok everyone, I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, I have to…

"Go to the bathroom !" And with that Naruto took off at a run.

Someday I'm going to have to teach my minion subtlety, Shikamaru thought.

He put his hand down his shoulder when everyone was staring at him after Naruto ran off.

"What are you two conspirators whispering about," Sasuke said instantly.

"Nothing, honest," Shikamaru said. "It just helps to give Naruto important things to do to keep him focused, you know, like a puppy dog."

Sasuke snorted at that and walked on in the lead, with Ino quickly following behind him, which in turn forced everyone else to hurry to keep up in a long chain, with Choji happily strolling along in the rear.

"It would help if I knew something about each of your abilities," Shikamaru said casually as they walked.

"Why would we tell you that?" Sasuke said. "We may have to fight each other someday, after all," Sasuke said.

Curious, Shikamaru thought. It's almost as if he knows when that will be.

"Well, no you don't have to tell me," Shikamaru said. "It just might help me formulate a strategy."

"Formulate a strategy?" Sasuke said, incredulous. "Why?"

"Well, apparently where we're going might have, you know, bandits or whatever we need to fight to protect our client," Shikamaru said.

Sasuke turned to look at him without breaking his stride.

"You're worried that desperate peasants with sticks will be too much for 8 shinobi?"

"Well, no," Shikamaru said. "It's just that-"

"Don't worry about it," Sasuke said, cutting him off."

"I'll take care of anything that gets in our way, by myself, no matter how many- bandits- there are,, " Sasuke said, regarding Shikamaru coolly. "Nothing will stop Konoha from achieving its goals." Sasuke turned to face forward again and increased his pa as if Shikamaru had suddenly ceased to exist. Ino looked like she was about to swoon at his feet when he did that, and she hurried to catch up while the rest of them maintained their pace. This created a bit of a gap between that pair and the rest of them, which was fine with Shikamaru.

Lively bunch, Shikamaru thought wryly. Also, you're welcome Ino.

"I will demonstrate an ability for you," came a voice from behind.

Shikamaru turned to look as they made their way outside of the building and onto the road leading outside of the village where their client was supposedly waiting.

It was the kid in the trench coat with the glasses.

"Follow me," He said, walking off the main road toward an open field nearby. Curious, Shikamaru followed him as everyone else followed Sasuke. Except for Choji, of course, who lay down in the field and watched what was transpiring.

"Try and hit me," Shino said without preamble.

"Sorry, not really my thing," Shikamaru replied.

Shino said nothing and the two of them just stared at each other awkwardly for a good ten seconds.

That's when Naruto showed up, thank god.

"Hey! Shikamaru! I did what you asked. You'll never believe-Hey, wait," he said, stopping. Shikamaru could practically feel the gears turning as Naruto looked around and saw only Shikamaru and Shino and not the rest of the group.

"Where-" he began.

Shikamaru pointed at Shino before Naruto could finish.

"Hey, Naruto? Think you can hit that guy?" Shikamaru said, pointing at Shino.

"That's too easy," Naruto said instantly and ran at Shino without another thought. He was like the exact opposite of cautious.

The exact second Naruto raised his fist in Shino's direction, even before he had taken more a step, a cloud of insects buzzed around him, out of reach. They seemed to come from Shino somehow. Did he have a jar of insects in his coat? What an odd thing to carry around.

"Ah, flies, gross!" Naruto said. "No problem, I'll just thin out the swarm."

He then made a large number of clones, which made Shikamaru want to tell him to quit wasting his ability since he needed it later, but that sounded creepy even to Shikamaru's own ears.

Plus he wanted to see this.

A bunch more Naruto's suddenly appeared, which made Shikamaru wonder what exactly his numerical limit was. Also, how did one codify chakra? It was maddening to understand based on how people always talked about it in vague terms.

As if the thinking is mystical, just like it always is until someone comes in who's unafraid to tack down exactly what it is. People always so they're 'low' on chakra or they have 'a lot', probably just like humanity did before there were units of measurement.

After enough clones, Naruto was actually starting to look tired, which made Shikamaru concerned that he'd asked way too much of him today.

But the Narutos simply took a moment to catch their breath before attacking. The swarm was thinned out enough now that they weren't much of an impediment for the crowd of Naruto clones.

The first one reached Shino's position on its own and missed him about a mile as he stepped in exactly the wrong direction for Naruto to hit him as soon as Naruto wound up.

Then more Narutos arrived and things really started getting interesting.

Shikamaru knew full well from watching Naruto spar with Kakashi that it wasn't one Naruto that was impressive, but rather a cloud of them.

But apparently, one Shino was impressive alone. Whenever a Naruto clone made the merest twitch towards him, Shino got out of dodge so fast that Naruto didn't come within several feet of punching him. It was making Naruto look really bad as if he were trying to punch the empty air.

What's going on? Shikamaru thought. Even with a 7 or 8 Narutos around Shino in a circle, he found the opening they made trying to step forward and punch him, weaving in and out of the punches and kicks as all the clones limbs were just being held there permanently for him to observe.

"You must be cheating somehow!" The chorus of Narutos said. "But I have an idea!"

They suddenly all broke out running for a nearby grove of trees that formed a half circle around the clearing.

Shino stood impassive in the middle of the clearing, not moving a muscle.

A moment later, a cloud of shuriken and kunai converged on Shino from all sides. It wasn't just from the grove either, Naruto must've had more clones hiding in nearby buildings and trees across the street.

Shikamaru suspected he knew what those clones were really supposed to be doing, but he was the one who'd asked Naruto to do this in the first place, so he could hardly complain about it. He could, however, complain about how he had to duck and dive out of the way since some of the missiles were coming from behind him.

Stupid Naruto.

Choji just kept lying in the grass blissfully and everything passed over his head.

Shikamaru did make sure he kept his eye on Shino though. His whole world was filling up with missiles aimed at him and he wasn't batting an eye or moving a muscle.

Until they got close. Shikamaru noticed immediately that something became odd about Shino's movements as the missiles drew close.

And not necessarily in a good way. He wasn't fluid or graceful at all. Instead, he jerked out of the way perfectly, sometimes well ahead of time. Three kunai came for his midsection, and Shino twirled, his right leg jerking against the ground to push him out of the way with a little hop well before they were anywhere near him.

The kid was seriously bunny hopping around the yard, shuriken missing him from all angles including from Narutos who had apparently climbed trees and were being thrown downwards. And Narutos who'd found their way into nearby buildings and were sniping from windows.

If Shino saw any of these Narutos at all, he gave no sign. Instead, he simply moved out of the way so that they missiles found only dirt, or trees, or well, local buildings and smashed shop windows.

That's going to come back to bite us, Shikamaru thought.

But he only knew about the mayhem Naruto was causing from the crashes and shouts, because he couldn't take his eyes off of Shino.

It was like his body was being controlled by invisible strings-

Operated by an alien who had no idea how the human form worked-

Who could see the future. But maybe only by 3 or 4 seconds.

That was the only explanation Shikamaru could think of. As soon as a shuriken was moving within range of Shino's head, it jerked to one in an almost grisly motion like invisible someone had slapped it.

Each of his limbs looked like they were moving independent from the others, with one leg kicking up to avoid one knife, the other hopping to the left to avoid another, his arms wind-milling in opposite directions to snake in and out of dizzying patterns avoiding ten more each.

Shikamaru watched as two kunai from different directions made a bee-line for Shino's head, got closer and closer and he didn't move an inch.

At the last second-

They hit each other and fell to the ground, so close they both bounced harmlessly off his feet.

It's like he can perceive complex systems and plan for them in advance of them happening, but only when they target him, and only by a few seconds.

When the dust settled, Shino was still standing in the middle of the field. There wasn't a single scratch on him, and not one tear on his trench coat, or even a hint of a tear. The swarm that had been used earlier in the fight disappeared into whatever container was in his jacket.

"How on earth did you do that?" Shikamaru asked as Shino put his hands in his pockets and approached.

"I don't feel the need to tell you any more about my abilities until you can demonstrate that your powers of perception are worth my time," he said.

Huh?

"In other words, you tell me how they work, and then I will acknowledge that you should be in charge of formulating strategy."

Great, one more thing to think about. What a pain.

A crowd was starting to gather at all of the ruckus.

"Naruto, try to be more careful," Shikamaru said with a sigh. He gave some money for a few Naruto clones to leave with shop owners to pay for the broken windows, and then the clones all ran off down the road.

This mission was getting more interesting all the time.

I realize this is more performance art than a traditional serial novel at this stage since I'm doing virtually no editing beyond spellcheck. But if I didn't do it this way I suspect there'd be another 4 years before another chapter. Lots of set up this chapter, hopefully it wasn't too boring.

Try out reality-zero dawt cawm if you want more rationalist fiction and other stuff. And if you happen to want to support what I'm doing.

My weekly pace here may disintegrate at some point as real life intervenes. Stupid real life.