As you probably know, sex-obsessed human dildo Rick Santorum has been using his hilarious and scary presidential run as a campaign to take America back to the good old days of the middle ages. He’s already launched a jihad against all forms of birth control, because there’s nothing that makes Jesus cry more than humans engaging in any dirty, filthy fornication unless it’s to make a baby.

Since he’s pretty much alienated every woman in America who isn’t a fire-breathing bible-thumper with his birth control nonsense, I suppose the next logical step for Santorum to take is to try to end the evils of jacking off to porn on the internet, since every sperm is a potential human life and is thus “sacred.” And that’s pretty much what’s he’s doing now that he’s announced he wants to make the evil “pandemic” of porn illegal in the U.S. (Nevermind the fact that study after study has found that religious conservatives are the biggest consumers of porn — including gay porn — in the country.)

From his dumb website:

America is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography. A wealth of research is now available demonstrating that pornography causes profound brain changes in both children and adults, resulting in widespread negative consequences. Addiction to pornography is now common for adults and even for some children. The average age of first exposure to hard-core, Internet pornography is now 11. Pornography is toxic to marriages and relationships. It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking. Every family must now be concerned about the harm from pornography. As a parent, I am concerned about the widespread distribution of illegal obscene pornography and its profound effects on our culture. The Obama Administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws. While the Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families, that will change under a Santorum Administration.

Jesus Christ, if ever there was a load of semen that should’ve been swallowed, it is Rick Santorum. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before he heroically calls for a return to burning witches at the stake, because that’s the sort of thing that’s truly destroying America, and only “small government” conservatives like Santorum can protect us from the godless witches.

And in case you’re wondering, a witch is defined these days as any human with a vagina who takes birth control and watches porn.

(GIF via: the entire internet)