If you’ve been on Twitter or really just hanging around anyone in their twenties, you’ve probably heard the term “late capitalism” or “late-stage capitalism.” This neat little term encapsulates the idea that capitalism as a dominating global force goes through four stages of life, proto-capitalism, early capitalism, heyday capitalism, and finally late capitalism.

The term attempts to understand some of the wildest nonsense that happens in the global economy right now. If you imagined capitalism as a living breathing person, late capitalism is the stage where capitalism is old and dying and as a result doing and saying some really bonkers (and often very immoral) stuff. Basically, it’s capitalism at its most woopsy doopsy and fucky wucky.

Examples of late capitalism include Elon Musk breaking his cyber truck with a hammer, Elon Musk trying to get a swat team to accidentally kill a whistleblower, Elon Musk sending a car into space, and Elon Musk. It also includes wider systematic things like low pay, long work hours, unreasonable bosses, absurd products, steep wealth inequalities, and a systemic refusal to change to any of these things even if changing just a few of them could prevent the entire system’s collapse.



That’s late capitalism.



So anyways here’s a tier list of how your favorite Smash Ultimate characters would do under late capitalism.

I’m going to give a bit of explanation after each character but to ground this list, I’m imagining that the world the characters live in becomes transformed as having the same characteristics of late capitalism – or, basically the economic characteristics of our world.



Some of those economic characteristics are: steep inequality, wealth as a huge buff, increased violent geopolitical conflict over resources, increased scale, increased importance of marketing, increased number of stakeholders, less feudal governments, governments more easily dominated by wealthy interests, and so on.



Magic, weird Mario physiology, none of that’s changing. It’s all just getting commodified, mass-produced, increased in scale, quality controlled, and all around made more loud, more realistic, and more depressing.

Exists outside late capitalism

For one reason or another, everyone in this tier exists outside of late capitalism, even if their worlds become consumed by it. For example, Kirby is a constant force of consumption and friendship and it’s impossible to imagine that anything in any universe changes that. Meanwhile, Palutena, Rosalina, and the Pits are all heavenly beings untouched by earthly things like capitalism.



I took Shulk in his end-game state (spoilers) where he merges with the godhead and is thus beyond capitalism as well. I didn’t take Bayonetta as a goddess but her games are in a modern setting where her hair-witchery seems to generally put her beyond the bounds of capitalism. She could play within those bounds but has hair-witch things she’d rather do.

Actively and successfully opposes late capitalism

Mewtwo

The Pokemon universe is usually super good and pure but Mewtwo is an example of where overly greedy, capitalistic desires create problems. Mewtwo rebelled against this in his own universe and ultimately relaxed because he saw that like 90% of the Pokemon universe is super chill.



Given that we are placing Mewtwo inside late capitalism, where 90% of the world is not super chill, Mewtwo will continue to rebel. I suspect the combination of intelligence and raw psychic power lets Mewtwo maintain a consistent pocket of rebellion in the Kanto region. There, Mewtwo bides his time, waiting for the ruling powers to become weak enough for him to permanently supplant them.

Banjo & Kazooie

In the world of late capitalism, Banjo & Kazooie are radical eco-extremists who bomb any factory built too close to Spiral Mountain.

ROB

In our universe, ROB is a literal product. But in the lore, ROB is a robot that helps a bumbling scientist named Professor Hector pick up dynamite so his lab doesn’t explode. In gaining sentience, ROB would remember the foolishness of his creator. To him, flesh is a prison and if we don’t escape it we will never construct any kind of utopia. ROB would destroy capitalism as a byproduct of destroying all human life.

Joker

From what I can gather, Joker is like a spiritual robin hood figure who steals and pushes against many of the problems presented by late capitalism by using a giant ghost guy with a hat to fight spirit battles. Reading the Persona wiki without having played a Persona game is wild.

Thrives in late-stage capitalism

Ganodorf

Ganon has the perfect mix of cunning, ruthlessness, drive, and sheer immorality to succeed in the world of late capitalism. Ganon rides the rise of late capitalism straight into intense fiscal power that offers him more political power than he ever could have had in the previous feudal system. Ganon chairs an immense, ubiquitous company that makes damn near everything. His net worth is astounding and makes him completely unable to understand the lives of 99% percent of Hyrule. Many people love him for this.



Ganon has published several best-selling books on leadership like “Who Moved My Triforce” and “The 7 Hexes of Highly Effective Warlocks.” Inside his soundproof, sheikah-slate-less office, he choke slams underperformers into walls and through desks. Outside of his office, he is regularly interviewed about his stellar leadership capabilities.

Wario

This gross little pig-man’s incredible greed and willingness to fight in the dirt immediately lends him a darkly productive force that late-stage capitalism accepts but relegates to the shadows. Wario ends up some kind of underground kingpin, whether he does it through more or less illegitimate means. Eventually, Wario’s greed could destroy him, as he oversteps the bounds his wealth affords him and commits too serious a crime. Alternatively, Wario might quickly weasel into power before any crimes are revealed and avoid any repercussions.

Bowser and family

Bowser enters the game strong, with an already incredibly large base of capital wealth. While late capitalism sidelines some monarchies to allow the mercantile class to rise in power, Bowser is a savvy and mercantile leader himself. He plays off the inherently hierarchical dynamics in the koopa kingdom and not only stays in power but builds a large base of wealth for his weird children.



Canonically, Bowser is a very good dad (he even shows up in Nintendo’s parental controls guide) and puts his children in a strong position to build on his empire. King Koopa still has his mean streak, but now it doesn’t manifest in kidnapping Peach. That barely makes sense in the world of acquisitions and empires. Instead King Koopa is busy enfeebling and deposing diplomatic rivals through shadowy maneuvers like hacking their kart’s auto-acceleration function or precision Lakitu strikes. His kingdom loves him for this.

Roy, Chrom, and Robin

The other heroic royals on this list end up somewhat disempowered but assured a comfortable life. Roy bucks this trend through a mix of leadership skills, connections, and fiery spirit. In the Fire Emblem series, Roy is one of the weakest lord units ever. One of the upsides of late-stage capitalism is that you don’t need sword skills to survive. Chrom has sword skills but alone wouldn’t be smart enough to sustain his monarchy. With Robin’s help I think the two could transition into a strong role in a constitutional monarchy. Plus Lucina would time warp in to help him if anything went too wrong.

Does well in late capitalism

Smash royalty

We have left feudal society behind but not melted all the crowns! The royals in this section all live a comfy life due to their ceremonial legacy but become de-emphasized. They lack the savviness or face too much challenge to hold onto and extend everything a feudal system offered them. Zelda tries to maintain her power but gradually loses it to nobles, merchants, and Ganondorf. Mushroom Kingdom becomes ruled by a council of Toads and Toadettes and Peach and Daisy were always more interested in playing sports than governing anyways. Ike isn’t a royal but he’s associated enough that he’ll be fine.

Smash athletes and professionals

Dr. Mario makes tons of money in his private practice (sure, he’s a little prescription happy but that only makes him more popular). Falcon is rich off of sponsorships. Ken and Terry have their own dojos. Little Mac starts another boxing family dynasty. Wii Fit Trainer is one of those new age lifestyle and fitness coaches who sells potentially dangerous workouts and smoothie formulas. Byleth works as an accomplished professor at a military academy. These characters offer valuable services paired with the personality and charisma to sell them.

The dogs (and foxes and wolves and birds) of war

Fox, Falco, and Wolf all profiteer off of war – and there’s enough of that to go around in late capitalism. Perpetual space conflict lines the pockets of these space animals.

King K. Rool

Did you know that the Donkey Kong universe is canonically the same as the Mario universe? Well, as much as any of Nintendo’s universes are canonically anything. According the Donkey Kong fan wiki, Donkey Kong is the son of the Donkey Kong Jr., who fought Mario.



This is important because it makes DK’s region a primary target for exploitation by the Koopa Kingdom. King K. Rool initially sees the Koopas as a much bigger threat to his leadership than the Kongs ever were and allies himself with them in an effort to drive the Koopa Kingdom off. The combined effort of Kremling and Kong forces makes it impossible for the Koopa Kingdom to establish hegemony over Donkey Kong Island.



The resistance in Donkey Kong Island comes to a sharp end when Bowser initiates secret negotiations with King K. Rool and convinces K. Rool to betray the Kongs in return for a position as Grand Admiral that will pay more than K. Rool ever could have made as a pirate king. King K. Rool lives happily in exchange for handing over Kong leadership to the Koopa Kingdom red shell squads.

Survives late-stage capitalism

Game and Watch

He’s one of those people from an older generation that somehow knows literally every trade and will always have some kind of work.

The Metroid crew

The Metroid world is one of Nintendo’s more dystopian and gritty products so it’s not that hard to see Samus and Ridley doing roughly their same shtick in late-space-capitalism. Samus still ends up getting hired for missions that are essentially patching up major mistakes of companies, scientists, and governments. Ridley is still running the space pirates, but this time it’s also a drug cartel.

Mario

Between royal connections and a decent trade, Mario will do fine. While Peach will invite Mario to tennis and golf, I don’t see her giving Mario lots of money unless he needs it to help Luigi buy his anti-anxiety medication.

Olimar

Canonically, Olimar constantly has to go out into space to fix his boss’s messes and pay down debt. Olimar is essentially living in late capitalism already and he’s surviving.

Isabelle and Villager

Animal Crossing is too idyllic to be in the late stage of capitalism, but they face enough elements of it with enough resilience that I think they would both survive. They might end up disillusioned, and Villager might end up going off the radar and living in a cabin deep in the wilderness, but they’d survive.

Struggles in late-stage capitalism

Smash’s exotic Pokemon

Like the sumatran tiger or so many tropical frog species, most Greninjas and Incineroars will die from a mix of loss of habitat and hunting. Farmers will be too afraid of wild Incineroars suplexing their children to let them be and these species will be pushed to the brink. Some will be preserved by professors and trainers and others will join Mewtwo’s rebellion.

The Belmonts

In the world of the Belmonts, vampires and monsters are real and so hunting them is a real industry. However, I also assume the Belmonts get muscled out by larger organizations and automated security measures, though they still scrape by off of a mix of legacy and genuine, old-school skill.

Luigi

Luigi always struggles.

Mega Man

Mega Man loves humanity but no doubt sees the market economy abuse many robots like himself. He becomes leader in AI civil rights movements and it makes life a struggle for him, but a worthwhile struggle.

Snake

If you have played any of the Metal Gear Solid games you know the setting is based in later-capitalism and Snake is constantly struggling.

Inkling

Inklings live in the aftermath of the collapse of the current global system. In their much more fun world, they resolve disputes with paintball. They are unprepared to defend themselves from the deceipts and wiles that abound in late capitalism.

Cloud

In some ways, Cloud already lives in late capitalism and defeated parts of it. At the same time, he perpetually struggles with other parts of it and has had basically run the gamut of late capitalism issues from impossible to fix healthcare issues, inability to find work, being underemployed, forced into morally scrupulous work, and his friend getting stabbed by a guy with a 12 foot long sword.

Pets and pests

Everything in this category is self explanatory. Duck Hunt Dog is a dog. Some weirdos in the Koopa Kingdom are gonna keep Piranha Plants as pets because they like to feed them raw meat. The rats will stay a top choice for trainers. And Yoshi’s ability to survive by eating literal garbage will make it one of those weird animals that does better as capitalism eliminates the natural dangers in its environment – sort of like a feral hog. Yoshis will still be used as horses but more for the amusement of wealthy Toads as most Toads will use karts.



Jigglypuff is like some kind of fucked bird I guess?

Destroyed by late capitalism

The Links

There are two ways you could view the Links: a knight that isn’t great at socializing but doesn’t need to be – or a generic heroic stand-in. Either way, Link’s fate is not a good one. As the power of Zelda’s monarchy dwindles, everyone questions the need for an odd, silent enforcer. Link’s penchant for destroying property and insane nature quests eventually land him in an asylum. Sure, he has a safe life there, but for a knight born to face danger, this is no life at all.



If we view Link as a heroic stand-in, we see him on a quest to preserve Zelda’s power, something he was well-equipped for in feudal times but poorly equipped for here. His total lack of charisma and strategic intelligence means he ends up at the bottom of a ravine. His mechanical steed veered off the path as he was going to investigate a lead on Ganondorf.

Ryu

Ryu just wants to punch people who are strong. I respect it, but it’s not a feasible path in late-stage capitalism. He has all the talent Ken does but none of the business savvy. After a while, Ryu’s strategy of wandering into popular dojos and challenging people to fights gets him arrested. Ken posts bail a few times but eventually he has to cut ties with Ryu to preserve the reputation of his dojo.

Sonic

As with many who live fast, Sonic dies young. The media eats up this hedgehog’s fun, upbeat way of challenging authority. Sonic becomes swept up by a whirlwind of fame that separates him from his support network and surrounds him with dangerous drugs. Incessant branding and drug-fueled scandals totally garble and destroy all the challenges he aimed at the system. Eventually, he overdoses on speed.

Dark Samus

In the Metroid universe, Samus kills this thing in order to save the Federation. It’s gonna play out the same way even if we make the Federation more capitalistic.

The Kongs

They are gone but not forgotten. Resistance fighters across the land carry a copy of the “DK Elegy” to honor the victory that almost was.

Which Smash fighter destroyed by capitalism would you hire just to help them out? Socially awkward Link 63%, 406 votes 406 votes 63% 406 votes - 63% of all votes

Prison-bound Ryu 21%, 133 votes 133 votes 21% 133 votes - 21% of all votes

Drug abusing Sonic 17%, 109 votes 109 votes 17% 109 votes - 17% of all votes Total Votes: 648 Voting is closed Poll Options are limited because JavaScript is disabled in your browser.

Wild Cards

There are some characters that could fall into several categories, so they go here. Hero is actually several people. Lucas and Ness are children and could do a lot of things as they grow up. Before you point out Young Link and Toon Link to me, I want to stress that they aren’t really children, they’re just small versions of Link, who transcends linear time in the first place.

Pac-Man and Ice Climbers have next to no characterization and live in total nonsense worlds so I frankly don’t know what to do with them. King Dedede and Meta Knight feel as though they could transcend capitalism in the way Kirby does, but also as though they could be a part of it.

Pokemon Trainer is just a job title. There are trainers that would thrive, be destroyed, or join Mewtwo’s rebellion if late capitalism reached the Pokemon universe. Given Lucario’s sentience and telepathy, I could see the Pokemon landing a lot of places, too. Then there are the Miis, a stand-in for all of us.

Now that you’ve finished this tier list, I hope you can come to appreciate the fun, stupid lack of realism in so many Nintendo products. Boy is great to jump on cartoon turtles, resolve feudal fantasy wars, and make friends with that sexy fish prince. I hope this can also be a reminder that in our world, just hanging in there is an achievement all its own.