(Age 4)

Article XXXI: Whether I stole Laurie’s apple juice during nap time?

Objection I: It would seem that I stole Laurie’s apple juice during nap time. For it was said: “Thomas, go sit in the corner. And say you’re sorry to Laurie for drinking her juice” (Miss Ellen).

Objection II: Further, once in the corner, I wedgied Billy and made him eat glue.

On the contrary, it is written: “Share everything” (that poster on the wall, right above the carpet where Billy puked up the glue).

I answer that we all have to share like it says on the poster. Firstly, because Holy Writ says so: “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Also, everyone has to share because sometimes they have lots of something (juice, for example) that they never even drink and that someone else (me, for example) wants. When I play with my blocks, Miss Ellen makes me share with that Greek Orthodox kid, even though they’re my blocks and he picks his nose and smells and is dumb. Hence, I should get to have juice when I’m thirsty. For the best part about school is the juice (except on Fridays when we get chocolate milk).

Reply to Objection I: If I have to share my blocks with a smelly nose-picker, then Laurie has to share her juice. I was only sharing her juice, just like the poster says. For the poster says to share everything, and “everything” includes juice. Hence, Miss Ellen shouldn’t have made me sit in the corner.

Reply to Objection II: He started it.

(Age 9)

Article MCDIII: Whether we should let Laurie play in the treehouse with us?

Objection I: It would seem that we should let Laurie play in the treehouse with us. For it was said: “You boys better let that nice Laurie girl play with you. She’s as sweet as can be, and she never hurt anybody” (my mom).

Objection II: Further, the treehouse would be more fun if there was a girl. For according to Holy Writ (Genesis 2:18–22), “…the LORD God said it is not good that the man should be alone…and made He a woman.”

On the contrary, it is written: “No Girls Allowed” (the sign on the treehouse).

I answer that the law of the treehouse (by vote) is that no girls are allowed. Thus, girls can’t play in the treehouse, for as the Apostle shows (Romans 2:14-15), human law derives from eternal law, as dictated by practical reason. Laurie also refused to take the treehouse oath, whereby all new members must count backwards from ten while smelling the bag of old eggs (and a dead squirrel, now that we found one), then solemnly promise to uphold the rules (and seal the oath with a spit shake). Therefore, Laurie can’t be in our club, since according to the Apostle (Hebrews 6:16), oaths are used for the purpose of confirmation. Further, girls are lame.

Reply to Objection I: Laurie wasn’t so innocent last summer when she may or may not have put itching powder in Dave’s shirt. For it was said: “Wait — awww, geez! I think Laurie put itching powder in this shirt” (Dave).

Reply to Objection II: It is said: “Can’t live with ’em…Can’t shoot ’em” (that bearded guy who sits outside the Happy Goat Tavern and mumbles to himself about that farm Ms. Vergano lives on, who all the grownups call Ten Sheep Johnny even though he only owns five sheep).

(Age 15)

Article MMMCLXIX: Whether Vanessa will go to the dance with me if I ask her?

Objection I: It would seem that Vanessa won’t go to the dance with me if I ask her. For Antonio from the soccer team already gave her his class ring, and supposedly she’s totally into him, according to her friends (Cristina and Rosa). Hence, I shouldn’t even bother asking.

Objection II: Further, it seems that I should really ask Laurie anyway, insofar as I’ve known her since forever, and it is written: “A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter” (Sirach 6:14). Further, anytime I get a cold, she always brings me my homework or whatever, and she even made soup that one week I had the bad diarrhea. Further, unlike Vanessa, she’d definitely say yes.

On the contrary, it is written: “Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye might obtain” (1 Corinthians 9:24).

I answer that things were totally starting to happen with me and Vanessa before Antonio even moved here from Florence. One time she asked if she could borrow my notes from philosophy, and I was like “Why?” and she was like, “Are you kidding? You’re like the smartest kid in that class.” Further, there were a bunch of times we’d see each other in the hall, and she’d smile and wave before I even said anything. Further, when I had Dave find out if she liked me — like, like-liked me – she said I was cute, when she could have just been like whatever. Further, one time, Dave told me that Cristina told him that Vanessa is into musicians, and she doesn’t even know yet that I play the lyre, and I can play almost every Summa 41 song (the old ones at least, before they sold out). Hence, I have as good of a chance with Vanessa as anybody.

Reply to Objection I: Cristina and Rosa don’t know anything. Antonio is a douchebag, and just because he plays sports that doesn’t mean girls will automatically throw themselves at him. Vanessa may be going through a phase right now, but she thinks I’m smart and funny, plus I’m sensitive and I listen. That must count for something.

Reply to Objection II: Meh.