The Golden Calf

The worst lie that I was convinced of during my formative years was the good old classic, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. This psychosis-inducing drivel is known popularly as the “golden rule”. Never in the history of humanity has such evil been condensed into so short an utterance.

Unfortunately, as a child, I had no verbal defense mechanisms in place, no established way of vetting information as true or false. I simply didn’t have the life experience, right? I had only my trust. And I was told that this “golden rule” was true by multiple trustworthy sources — my parents, grandparents, teachers. Even fellow classmates had learned the same from their folks! So it “had” to be true, right? It couldn’t possibly be a gigantic world wide lie that has been used for centuries to persuade one’s enemies into destroying themselves.

I mean, that would be just crazy.

Golden rule? More like golden calf.

But, to my extreme detriment, I did take this rule to heart, and practiced it as best I could while contending with my three friends — intelligence, good behavior, and quietness.

So now I have this divine imperative guiding my life — do to others what you want done to you. Do to others what you WANT DONE to you.

Well, what do you think a kid who is smart, calm, and shy wants to be done to him?

Can you guess?

He wants to be left alone and ignored. God, it’s so beautiful upon reflection; it fills me with awe. The genius of the strategy. The cleverness. The wit.

Get kids to do what they want done to them. Its elegance matches its cruelty.

So there I was, a lonely kid, obeying the will of my superiors, doing my best to worship the golden calf set before me.

I couldn’t socialize; I didn’t want to be talked to, so how could I talk to others?

I couldn’t raise my hand in class; I didn’t want anyone to look smarter than me, so how could I do that to others?

I couldn’t make fun of other kids; I wouldn’t want that done to me.

I tried to never be a show-off. I hated show-offs.

I couldn’t even play rough with the other kids at recess. I certainly wouldn’t want to be pushed down.

See where we are going?

I quickly realized — if I were to really follow this golden rule to the letter — if I really was going to trust the adults who supposedly had my best interests in mind — I needed to forsake winning of any kind. All victories would be a moral defeat, I reasoned, because when one person wins, another does not.

And, like most kids, I hated to lose. I did not want anyone to make me lose. And so therefore, to be well behaved, to be a good boy who trusts his superiors and does what he is told, I couldn’t make anyone else lose.

I had to accept that all winning was evil. Winning meant I was bad, it meant that I wasn’t trusting the older and wiser around me and surely it meant my certain doom.

The paradox of “morality”. Good is bad, up is down. All that is right is wrong, and all that is wrong is right.

And that is the vicious beauty of the golden rule.

It is the perfect weapon.