Courtesy of Starbucks

By Lizzy Acker

Look, we understand you want some likes on Instagram. That dopamine rush feels good in all our brains. We get it.

But what is it worth? Your dignity? Your taste buds? Your stomach lining?

Remember the old days, before social media, when you ate and drank things because you were thirsty or hungry or they tasted good? Remember when you only had brightly colored things at birthday parties and your parents were like, hey, that thing has blue food coloring and blue food coloring isn’t good for you?

Now, we are all ruled by a different master. The master of the Instagram like. And so we eat and drink things we probably shouldn’t.

Take, for example, today’s newly launched Crystal Ball Frappuccino.

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“What do the mystical sparkles mean?” Starbucks writes of its newest drink product. “Your fortune shall be revealed (for a limited time) with Starbucks new Crystal Ball Frappuccino blended beverage.”

What is in this “blended beverage”? Well, “It starts with a crème-based Frappuccino infused with peach flavor and turquoise sparkles that create an enchanting marbling effect.”

Okay, that sounds...like a diabetic coma. What makes it a crystal ball?

“The magic happens when the peach-flavored whipped cream is sprinkled with one of three colored candy gems, each color signifying a different fortune in vivid blue, green and purple,” Starbucks says. “Only the fates can decide which color is revealed -- the customer will not know which color of candy gem will top the beverage.”

And while Starbucks is a big offender in the Instagram-only drink category -- see: the Zombie and Unicorn Frappuccinos -- they aren’t the only ones.

Here are four more food and drink items that should probably stay on Instagram.

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Target's Unicorn Magic Ice Cream

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When we were children, bubblegum ice cream was a thing that drew in kids like bees to a pretty flower. It was bright! It had gum in it! It was also ice cream! Of course, it only took about one time ordering that nightmare mix to cure most of us of the delusion of having it all.

So now, why are adults buying a flavor of ice cream called "Unicorn Magic," which, according to the Instagram account @candyhunting, "has a pink fruity base with a sour blue raspberry swirl, a frosting swirl, and glitter candy bits."

That feeling that just ran through you? That is sugar PTSD. That is your tongue spontaneously developing a sore.

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Sonic's Pickle Juice Slush

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Courtesy of Sonic

Sonic Drive-Ins will have a new, neon green slush this June, but it won’t be lime flavored. Instead, it will taste like pickle juice. So, yeah.

According to Food and Wine writer Maria Yagoda, who tasted the slush, it is "surprisingly delicious (and makes a good accompaniment to burgers and/or tots and/or corn dogs)."

Okay.

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The Original's sliders with glazed doughnuts as the bun

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What are you trying to prove by Instagramming and then eating these out-of-control sliders from The Original in Portland? And have you consulted your doctor? Because this seems like a lot of calories and also sugar. And it's not like you always need to eat only healthy all the time, but at this point, are you even enjoying the process of eating these? Do they even taste good? Are you going to have to lie prone on your couch for the next 12 hours while your body breaks this down?

Your body, your choice.

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Glitter beer

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If VH1 still exists in 20 years, you can bet that on “I Love the 2010s,” when an aging Timothée Chalamet waxes poetic about 2018, he will mention ingestible glitter.

Why are we so into eating glitter this year? Maybe, as the world crumbles around us, we are grasping for meaning and trying to fill the holes in our souls with something bright and sparkly. Alas, that’s not how biology works.

Glitter beer, a trend that has even hit Portland's Sasquatch Brewery, will certainly not help.

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-- Lizzy Acker

503-221-8052

lacker@oregonian.com, @lizzzyacker

Follow @lizzzyacker