Actor Charlie Sheen is either a true American hero or a drug-addicted, porn-obsessed monster, depending on who you ask. The Two and a Half Men star and one-time Oliver Stone muse was admitted to the hospital with extreme stomach pains in his most recent incident.

That all came on the heels of what witnesses are claiming was a Gonzo-esque 36-hour binge full of multiple porn stars, booze and cocaine, which, according to party pal porn star Kacey Jordan, meant smoking the cocaine. Does life get any better? We conclude it does not.

Sheen's people are saying that he was actually being treated for a hiatal hernia from laughing too hard at the television, or, you know, having group sex for 12 straight hours with porn stars half your age while freebasing. Either way, you may get a hernia.

Aside from the random Denise Richards, Sheen (born Carlos Irwin Estevez) has a taste for Texas, including Jordan, who hails from Austin. If he likes cocaine and girls with loose morals, he could just move to Houston or Dallas and be in heaven.

6. Bree Olson (Born in Houston) His last porno conquest, at the AVN Awards in Las Vegas, was Bree Olson, who was born in Houston in 1986 but got to Fort Wayne, Indiana, as fast as she could. She is easily the most famous pal so far, and has one of the most filthy Twitter accounts known to man.

5. Kacey Jordan This Austin native has not only gone on record saying that Sheen was smoking cocaine, but one of her websites has changed to capitalize on her Sheen exploits. A group of pictures are now captioned with various celebrity-baiting lines like "Kacey Jordan is a $2 million dollar babe who could give anyone abdominal pains!" and "Kacey Jordan loves jewelry that has such a bright sheen!" She's gleefully retweeted all her mentions from her Twitter account, too.

4. Capri Anderson Last fall, Sheen and Anderson had a wild night in New York City which concluded with the adult actress and producer being choked, lamps being thrown, cocaine being snorted and eventually the police being called to the hotel they were staying at. Yesterday she tweeted a message on Twitter saying, "Pray for the children of suffering addicts- that they may never completely loose their parents and God Bless the ones who already have," which could be a veiled warning for Sheen.

3. Michelle "Bombshell" McGee McGee was the woman who broke up Jesse James and Sandra Bullock's marriage last year. You remember her with the extensive white-power tattoos? She admitted to being with Sheen at a party in early January around the AVN Awards where Olson also was present. No one has said on either side whether or not they were intimate or how they possibly ingested their cocaine.

2. Melanie Rios Oh, and this girl, Melanie Rios, was also with Sheen during his 36-hour binge this week along with Jordan. She likes to make out with her sister sometimes. She was on Twitter complaining of a hangover just two days ago. Was that from the Sheen throwdown?

1. Chloe Jones (Houston) The late Chloe Jones was born and raised here in Houston, and is actually buried at Woodlawn Cemetery off Antoine. She was active in the adult industry from 2001 up until 2004. She passed away in 2005 after liver failure, which was attributed to drug and alcohol abuse. Some even claimed that it was Sheen who contributed to her death, an accidental overdose, at least partly. She was a paramour of Sheen's, and went public about their relationship a year before she died.

Click here for Charlie Sheen's (possible) new drug ad.