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NASCAR Closed Captioning Loses Mind, Starts Naming MLB Players

An unusual thing happened during last night’s Fox Sports 1 broadcast of the second NASCAR race at Daytona.

This:

Yes, like HAL 9000 being deactivated, last night’s NASCAR closed captioning started losing his mind, Dave.

The Adventures in Closed Captioning lasted five minutes (full transcript below), beginning with the repetition of new Cubs manager Joe Maddon’s name, over and over. Then it segued awkwardly into the (misspelled) names of other MLB stars, including players Jason Heyward (HEY WERD), Anibal Sánchez (AN BALL SANCHEZ), and Jonathan Papelbon (PAPAL BOMB—wait, “papal bomb?” is this seemingly indecipherable code trying to tell us about a plot against the Vatican?)

After running through five different spellings of Dodgers pitcher Zach Greinke’s name, this bizarre episode in NASCAR closed captioning reached its beautiful, batshit zenith with the following string of syllables: “QUIT TOE QUIT TOE CUETO KWAE TOE CUETO”

Cueto is, of course, Cincinnati Reds ace Johnny Cueto… but what is “Kwae Toe Cueto?” It sounds similar enough to “Taekwondo” to make us suspect that it’s the name of Cueto’s very unique brand of martial arts:

Courtesy of Deadspin, here’s a full transcript of the NASCAR closed captioning malfunction:

JOE MADDON JOE MADDON MADDON MADDON MAD DON MIKE OELT MIKE OLT O-L-T AND TOMMY LA STELLA HAYWARD HAYWARD HEY WERD HEY WARD H-E-Y-W-A-R-D JASON HAYWARD JASON HAYWARD. BRUCE BOETSCH BOCHY BOCHY CAMERON MAYBIN MAY BIN MAYBIN. VERLANDER. SANCHEZ. AN BALL SANCHEZ. ANABLE SANCHEZ ANBALL SANCHEZ. A-N-I-B-A-L PAP BONN PAPAL BONN PAPAL BOMB PAP BOMB P-A-P-E-L-B-O-N PAL BONE PAL P BONE PAPAL BONE. CLIFF LEE. COLE HAMELS. SMARDIA SMARJIA SMARDSIA IS A MARDSIA SAMARDZIJA SAMARDZIJA SMARDS JA SMARIA SAMARDZIJA FISTER DOUG FISTER. ZACK GREINKE GRENGKY GRENGKY GREINKE GRINKY GREINKE G-R-E-I-N-K-E QUIT TOE QUIT TOE KUWAIT TOE KWAE TOE QUESTION TOE QUIT TOE QUIT TOE CUETO KWAE TOE CUETO >> CRASHED AND QUALIFYING WITH CLINT BOYER.

News Source: Deadspin