For men who use violence against women, it goes something like this.

She just gets me SO jealous. I keep telling her, over and over again, but do you think she listens? I keep telling her, look, don’t speak to these other men. You know they are only going to try to pick you up. Do you think she listens? No. We were at a nightclub the other night, and do you know what she did? She said she recognised some old high school friend, and went straight up to talk to him. Left me to talk to some dude she hasn’t seen for years! I think she’s doing this deliberately to get at me. She knows I get angry when she talks to other men. But she still does it. Yeah, I shouldn’t have assaulted that dude in the nightclub. I lost it. I saw red. But what am I supposed to do? If only she’d do what I say and stop making me jealous, I wouldn’t be getting so angry.

As someone who has worked with hundreds of men who use violence against women, this type of thinking is all too familiar. He blames her for making him feel particular things. He sees himself as the victim, not her. He recycles the same distorted thoughts over and over again: that she is treating him unfairly, that she is doing this deliberately to get at him.

He not only thinks it, he verbalises it. He talks down to her, as if it’s something that she is doing wrong, that she doesn’t listen to him because she’s too “hopeless”. Over months and years, his propaganda starts to wear her down and makes her think that maybe she is to blame.

He locks onto these thoughts, a form of tunnel vision, where in his sense of self-righteousness her needs become invisible. She becomes the enemy. And like all enemies, she loses her humanity and becomes someone who needs to be punished for “making him” feel bad.

One can imagine the range of tactics that he might use. He assaults another man in the nightclub, not because he has “lost it” and cannot control his anger, but to deliberately make her too afraid to talk to other men. He emotionally abuses her on the way home, telling her that she “needs his protection”. He checks up on her mobile to see what men she might be talking to. He takes control of their finances, making sure she doesn’t have enough money to go out without him.

These are all deliberate tactics of power and control. They are all choices that he makes, based on entitlement-based expectations, and sexism. Rather than taking responsibility for his own life and emotions, he blames her for him feeling bad. He feels entitled to control her, irrespective of the effects on her life. He looks down at her for being a woman – and yes, he might love her at the same time, but she is still inferior in his eyes.

He might well be a “good man” in many ways. Indeed, he might be your affable friend. Your dedicated work colleague. The mate in your football or basketball team. His partner might want to stay with him, only wanting his violent and controlling behaviour to stop. Or maybe she feel too afraid to leave – separation can be a time of increased risk, as he feels that his control is threatened. She might be unable to leave due to a lack of support, and due to the isolated space he has placed her in.

This week saw the release of the latest VicHealth Violence Against Women Community Attitudes Survey. It is a sobering read. Almost two-thirds of respondents believed that violence is caused by some men being unable to control their anger. Over two in five that rape results from men not being able to control their need for sex. Over three-quarters that it’s hard to understand why women stay in relationships when men use violence. Only two in five believe that women with disabilities are more likely than other women to experience violence, when research shows they are twice as likely.

These attitudes make it harder for women experiencing violence to reach out for help. They are the attitudes that keep all of us from actively noticing the warning signs. They are the excuses that make it easier for men who perpetrate violence to feel justified in their use of power and control tactics.

Just as we need the perpetrator of violence to take responsibility for his behaviour and to make safe, respectful, nonviolent choices when he is feeling angry or bad, all of us men need to identify how we feed sexism and gender inequalities, and how we comply with rigid stories of what it means to be a man – stories based on putting down and dehumanising the “other” through defining ourselves based on what we are not … not feminine, not gay, not someone with any hint of gender diversity and fluidity.

As men, we can create space and acceptance for diverse masculinities. We can speak up when we hear our friends or colleagues make offensive jokes or demeaning comments. We can work towards putting into place maximum quotas for men, rather than minimum quotas for women.

Violence against women is always an individual choice. It is never excusable. But all men need to stop enabling these choices and stop contributing towards a culture that too often tolerates gendered violence.

Support is available for anyone by calling the National Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Helpline 1800 737 732 or Men’s Referral Service 1300 766 491

