SYRACUSE, NY—According to sources, area man James Hargraves, 34, is pushing himself far too hard to succeed at the completely trivial and pointless multiplayer board game The Settlers of Catan. "Goddamn it, I'm blowing it. Why I can't I harvest these crops right?" the intensely focused and competitive man said about the ultimately meaningless thing that has no real bearing on his life whatsoever. "I just have to keep building roads, that's the key. Can't get behind." At press time, Hargraves was searching online for strategies to improve his performance at the utter waste of his time and energy.

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