Washington D.C.—

The Senate voted early this morning on repealing Obamacare, and failed to pass the “skinny repeal” bill after Senators Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and John McCain voted no.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was visibly upset, and, after a somber speech in which he announced his regret over the outcome of the vote, he withdrew into his shell with two handfuls of lettuce and hasn’t come out as of time of publishing.

However, the most upset Republican was Vice President Mike Pence, who was waiting in the Senate chamber to cast a tie-breaking vote if needed, and was really excited to do so.

“I put on my special Senate tie-breaking underwear this morning just for the occasion, and thanks to John McCain and his 51st ‘no’ vote, I didn’t get to personally end Obamacare for millions of Americans desperate to be free from the slavery chains of affordable healthcare coverage and pre-existing conditions protections,” Mr. Pence was overheard saying in the Senate.

Mr. Pence was reportedly sullen for the rest of the day, and he vented to White House staffers that the repeal vote was “unfair.”

“I got totally blue balled,” said Pence, according to an anonymous White House janitor who leaked a secret recording of the conversation to The Halfway Post. “It has little pictures of skulls and crossbones like a pirate, and it was for good luck. It’s the underwear I was wearing the day Trump asked me to be vice president. Even worse, the underwear is really tight and uncomfortable so that I’m reminded of the fear of God throughout the day, and I subjected myself to that pain for nothing. I just don’t understand how Jesus could let us down in our effort to kick millions of people off healthcare.”

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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