“What if I went as Wolverine?”

I already had the sideburns. My wife looked at my thick, curly facial hair, skeptically.

“Is Wolverine Jewish?” she asked.

“No, he’s Canadian.”

Why did I marry a cheerleader instead of a nerd?

“Okay, Jewish Wolverine,” I said, liking it. “Jew-verine.” Loving it.

But Rabbinical sideburns plus Wolverine costume weren’t enough. Only half a joke Halloween costume. I needed more. I needed full joke.

…

“Yeah, Jewverine. Like, with menorahs for claws or something,” said Joel. Menorahs for claws. Joel is a genius. Now that’s full joke – if I can get the menorah claws.

…

In the Judaica store, I played it cool.

“Uh, do you have any plastic menorahs? Like for kids?”

“No plastic menorahs. The plastic would burn.”

Of course it would. Idiot! I bought the metal menorah I thought I could best affix to my wrist. Not adamantium.

…

Home. The base on the new menorah was too big. I’d have to saw it off. I’m not a religious guy, but desecrating a menorah… it just felt wrong. Plus, sawing metal? That sounded hard. Forget it. I’ll just go without menorah claws. Settle for the half-joke. Do a lot of explaining.

“No, I’m Jew-verine. Get it? Jewy sideburns plus Wolverine equals Jewverine. Yes, those are non-menorah claws.” Ug.

…

“What about this?” said my non-nerd non-Jewish wife.

A small metal menorah. With removable base. Perfect for wrist attachment. Snikt. (Jewish Snikt? “Schnick?”)

“Where did you get that?”

“Drawer in the pantry.”

I never saw that menorah before in my life. Where did it come from? It’s a miracle. Like Hannukah. Or an Isaac Bashevis Singer story. Or some random thing that just happened.

…

The party. Yellow and blue old-school Wolverine costume with fake muscles. Frizzy sideburns. Star of David on chest. MENORAH CLAWS.

Dudes loved the costume. No explanation necessary. “JEWVERINE!!!” “Menorah claws!!!” Triumph. Full joke Halloween costume.

…

Girls, not as much.

“Hey, it’s Super Jew!”

“No – it’s Jewverine!”

“Who?”

“Jewish Wolverine!!!”

“Who?”

“Forget it. Happy Halloween.”