The Accidental Parent, What I learned from 37 Years of Mistakes, Part IV

Two things happen in this part of your child’s life: 1) You will honestly believe your kids will be elected president after winning Olympic Gold Medals and before bringing home the Nobel Prize for Physics — and so will every other parent; 2) You will establish your child’s interpersonal skills and academic career for a lifetime.

The University of Edinburgh (those crafty Scotts) studied 17,000 people over a 50 year span and proved that math and reading skills at age 7 were indicators of personal success later in life. For example, one reading level above average at age 7 was associated with a $7,750 higher income at age 42.

If you’re just joining us, read the opening post for background.

You’ve already picked your sperm/egg donor, the genes are set. Now you should maximize what the school system offers. When my first daughter was in third grade, a property tax revolt changed American education. We went from #1 to #16 among industrialized nations. In a democracy, you can’t say it was right or wrong, you just have to deal with what you happened. That is: bigger classes. Teachers can only teach to the kids who are listening. That means your involvement is more important than ever.

When my oldest daughter struggled in public school, I put her in a private school that had 12 kids per teacher. She flourished. I chose private school because, as a single parent, I didn’t have the time available to give her the help she needed. My sister kept her children in public school and spent many hours hovering over them. Either path will work.

Here are my pearls of wisdom, learned from doing the opposite, about what works in this age bracket:

1) Laughter is the greatest gift. Use it, breed it, multiply it, and above all: be the first to laugh at your mistakes. You are their model.

2) Edcation is meaningless without U. No school in the world is going to educate your child. They can only offer the material. You are the model for learning behavior.

3) Homework is not part of the humor campaign. No one in the house plays, watches TV, makes noise, etc until everyone is done with his/her homework. All homework is reviewed by Mom/Dad after dinner. (“You should recheck that one” is much better than correcting a wrong answer.)*

4) Positives are better than negatives—but let’s keep it real. Kicking your playmate is wrong. Helping a classmate is good. Don’t dwell on mistakes; learn, laugh, and move on.

5) Take time for your marriage. If you’re single, take time for someone special.

6) Perfectparentitis is the most common disease among elementary school parents. Get over it. You’re going to screw things up and your kids will end up in family therapy where you will fork over huge sums of money to be held personally responsible for every shortcoming your child experiences in life. My advice: Get your money’s worth.

7) Hold your kids. Hug your kids. Carry them around. Human contact makes a confident child.

8) Be honest. Carefully. Where do babies come from? Did you smoke pot? Why did you leave mom/dad?** What you say will haunt you. You don’t need to explain everything. Just make sure you tell the truth—it will come out.

9) Get your child involved in both team sports and music. Yes, you will end up with a lot on your plate, deal with it. Team sports will save your child’s life in middle school (more in Part V). Music will help your child in math. Both are important parts of humanity.

There is an internet meme going around that says, “I’m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as a child and got trophies just for participating.” On one hand, science has proven that positive reinforcement is the best childhood environment. On the other, a Wall Street Journal survey of Fortune 500 executives found them nearly unanimous in describing the one personality trait that contributed the most to their success: having a firm grasp on reality.

The best parenting advice I’ve ever heard came to me from a janitor at my engagement party. He said, “Remember, if everything goes right, the kids will leave you and the wife won’t.”

Peace, Seeley

* This will work until they’re old enough to resent your oversight. Keep reviewing everything until they can’t stand it, then negotiate your retreat, “As long as you get A’s and B’s, I’ll let you take full responsibility for your homework. If you come home with a C, we’ll do it my way.”

** Note to divorced parents: Everything negative you say about your Ex, no matter how true, hurts your child. You chose to mingle your DNA with your ex, and now your child carries half of it. Whenever you say, “I hate him/her” or “he/she is a moron” your children are hearing “I hate half of you”. Respect your entire child. (By the way, I agree, you do deserve far better than a jerk like he/she was, but still… )