ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Life will never be the same again, according to the government.

The way we travel and socialise. How we connect. In the before coronavirus times, life was simpler and sweeter.

Especially for one local man, Darcy Rutland, who simply cannot help kissing his mates on the lips after he’s had a bit too much to drink.

“What’s too much to drink?” he asks our reporter.

“That’s subjective. When one begins to simply express his love toward a good mate by either kissing them and/or touching their genital area, some might say that person has had just the right amount to drink. Don’t you think?”

The 28-year-old lay on his living room rug wearing nothing but a pair of skin-tight vintage Levis and a dressing gown. Our reporter was standing at the window looking in, speaking to Darcy via telephone.

As he answered each of our reporter’s questions, he rolled around playfully on the floor.

“Which is why I don’t think it’s helpful when the government tells us that life isn’t going to be the same after this whole isolation thing is over. Why did Scott Morrison, the public servant, have to single people like me out in his speech this morning?”

This morning in Sydney, the Prime Minister echoed the sentiments of the Chief Medical Officer who said earlier that the days of men getting blackout drunk in public and kissing their straight male friends on the lips are over – thanks to public health threats such as COVID-19.

Scott Morrison pursed his lips before telling the young men, the ‘future leaders’ of this country, that things are going to be different herein.

“I don’t think we’ll ever go back to kissing each other on the mouth. Hugging, perhaps. But full-on tongue-to-tongue with fierce and defiant frottage isn’t going to be coming back. Mind the pun,” said Scott Morrison.

“Touching each other on the penis, over the pants, might be able to continue one day. I know it is a pillar of the rugby league fraternity. I enjoy watching rugby league because I am a true blue Aussie. Anyway, no more getting pissed at the pub and kissing other blokes, even if you know them. Thanks.”

More to come.



