This, my friends, is a long-overdue public service announcement.

We’re all in grave danger. I repeat, grave danger.

Soon, we may be living in a world where an unacceptable amount of us care far too much about animals and far too little about our fellow human beings.

In fact, I have reason to believe we may have already reached that unacceptable level.

So here’s what I want to say:

I don’t care about your dog or your cat or the entire farm's worth of animals you have gallivanting about your house. Please, for the love of god, stop telling me about them. All. The. Time. You are not mommy and daddy, not unless you have a real, human child that you are responsible for. Sorry. You did not give birth to your pet (I know you wish you did) and — news flash — you belong to an entirely different species.

Don’t mistake an innocuous question for genuine interest.

If I happened to ask you about your pet, I assure you I don’t really care. It was a lapse in judgment on my part.

I was just trying to make small talk and the options were limited. I promise, I immediately regretted asking you.

I get it, you’re more compassionate and virtuous than me.

Sorry pal, its not you…it’s your owner — Photo by Ryan Christodoulou on Unsplash

You rescued a dog? Saved a cat? And you want to tell me all about it? Fine.

Good for you. God bless.

Really. I sincerely, from the bottom of my cold, dead heart, mean that.

You get a gold star for being less of a prick than I am.

You’re better than me.

But you want to show me pictures of that dog doing perfectly boring, ordinary things that only you and your fellow crazies find cute?

Or go on and on about their sassy personality and all of their wacky, adorable quirks that make them the center of your universe?

Take a hike, pal.

Please stop steering the conversation back to your pet

I’m also sick of being out in social situations (which I’ll concede is not very often) and the conversation almost inevitably turns to pets.

This is especially true of dog owners. Get more than one of them together in a room and boy, are you in for a rough time.

They just can’t wait to tell each other about all the wacky hijinks their little rascals get themselves into.

I’m sure its hilarious and just to die for, but have some consideration for us non-pet owners.

It’s rude to talk too much about yourself. I hate talking about myself. I don’t even like to tell people my name if I can help it. Let’s keep the conversation to you and your life, maybe the weather, mix in a little sports talk and we’ll be just fine.

But you know what’s doubly rude? Steering the conversation to your lousy pet and going on ad nauseam about the cute and unbelievable things they do every single day of their adorable little lives.

I hate that shit.

And don’t get me started on dog people

You people. You’re the worst.

So pretentious and full of yourselves.

You know when you’re out walking your dog and it comes prancing up to me, sniffing around or barking, and you just smile and laugh as if we're all just having the grandest time?

Guess what? We’re not. You’re the only one having a grand time, nut job. Get that thing away from me, please.

The arrogance you all have to think that us non-dog folk just love being around your little furballs all the time, just like you do.

Well, I got news for you. We don’t!

Can I bring my dog to your party? I promise she won’t shit on your floor. She’ll do it outside and I’ll probably clean most of it up.

Or that we don’t need any warning.

Do you mind if my dog sits in the back seat with you and slobbers all over your crotch? Well, its your lucky day, he’s already in there waiting! Hop in!

Or that the rules just don’t apply to you and little Sparky.

Oh no, my dog doesn’t need to be on a leash, everyone loves her. Sure, she bit a small child’s index finger off. But I mean come on, one finger in five years? Plus the kid was acting like a little bitch, being all scared. She can smell fear. I’m not putting her on a leash. Its inhumane.

The list, unfortunately, is endless. The ignorant crimes of dog people know no bounds.

Totes adorbs, but you are not its parent — Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash

This whole mommy and daddy thing

Sorry lady. You’re not a cat momma.

Your cat’s actual mother is a cat momma.

You’re just incredibly strange. And putting that ridiculous descriptor at the top of your Instagram profile or on your car in the form of a bumper sticker is not doing you any favors.

Pets on Christmas cards? Yuck. I’m pretty ambivalent in general when it comes to Christmas cards with humans on them. But animals? Give me a break.

I promise you, I never feel more awkward than when I’m in a situation where I am actually present to hear someone say to their pet, “go on, go see daddy,” as they direct their animal towards their male significant other, who is a human.

It makes me want to die.

And not the, “oh my god, that’s so cute I want to die,” kind of dying, but the “oh my god, humanity so fucked, we’re all so fucked I want to die,” kind of dying.

In closing…

Animal lovers and pet owners are tremendous weirdos. They really are. And they often scare me.

But when I really think about it…it’s not so much that these people care so goddamn much about their pets, to each their own.

It’s the expectation that I care too or that I’m some kind of monster because I don’t.

When it comes to your pets, I’m sorry, but I don’t care and I’ll never care. I’ll never be able to match the intense love and adoration you have for them, no matter how cute you believe they are. Deal with it.

Just do me a favor, please, and save some of that intense love and passion for some of your fellow human beings.