I was an English major back in college. Basically, that means when I wasn't growing my hair or drinking, I was reading, thinking, and writing. It was fantastic. Especially at my school, which, despite its solid reputation, had an English program that placed absolutely no emphasis on researching historical context or referencing previously published literary analysis. You could just read and spin your wheels. It was the perfect program for me. There is more substantiation and footnoting (hyperlinking) in the average Cracked article than there was in our English papers, and that's the way we liked it. We loved it. And I miss it so.



I know it's getting old, but I can't get out of that provision in my Cracked contract requiring me to put college photos in every third column. Sorry.

It's been over 15 years since I last wrote something approximating an English essay, and the other day, I got an idea for one. Not on a book, of course, because who would be so bold as to write about literature on the Internet, but a movie. Specifically, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Now here's how English essays work. You come up with a thesis. That's a theory. Then you point to specific examples within the context of the examined work to prove your point. Then you have a conclusion. If you write an essay for the Internet, however, and you want people to read it, you number your points, keep the conclusion super short, and write an introduction no one reads. You just hope the title conveys enough of the message, which is kind of like hoping to understand the complex rules of Risk by staring only at the cover of the box.