You guys crack me up. You’re clearly putting a crap-ton of money into your Facebook ad campaigns, enough for me to get treated to them every freaking time I log on to poke my friends. And I’ll admit it — I was proud of you at first. You’ve got beautiful pictures of young, lively minorities, giving me the pleasant impression that Catholics for Choice are a far more inclusive and joy-filled bunch than Us Normal Catholics. Good stuff. But forgive me friends, for I’m a curious kid. So I took one of the pictures you’ve been using for your ads, one currently housed on your Facebook page,

and did a quick Google Image search on that bad boy. Guess what I found? Not Catholics for Choice, as hip and with it as you are. No, I found this:

Now I’m left with two possibilities. You’ve either got an on-the-side and raving passion for the R&B of the 80’s (who doesn’t, right?) or you’re using stock photos of minorities to give people the impression of inclusiveness and diversity, because you can’t get real pictures. My suspicions were confirmed after I found this puppy:

But on the bright-side, finding this out has helped me pinpoint the whole problem with your organization: It’s a joke. There’s a reason fewer people are calling themselves pro-choice than ever before, and it’s thanks to organizations like Catholics for Choice, desperately pretending to have anything remotely amounting to youth, joy and — oh yes — diversity. That’s right:

As it turns out, advocating the choice of killing children in the womb just ain’t as appealing as it used to be. So if I were you, and since you’ll only get so far on stock photos, I’d switch up your campaign. Go for a Lost Cause approach, full of serious-looking old people saying, “No matter if all the youth of the world begin to associate themselves with that filthy adjective, “pro-life”, we know what’s right. We’ll hold on to the truth.” You know, some sort of righteousness over popularity thing? (At least practice being the fringe opinion, because after that Gallup poll, you’re not allowed to pretend that only a few Bishops think the title “pro-choice” is evasive and whack, and are subsequently suppressing all dissent.)

But after trolling your Facebook wall for a few minutes, I realized you’re much more interested in informing the world that 98% of Catholic women use birth control, a stat which only stodgily conservative institutions like The Washington Post would say is blatantly ridiculous. Since that doesn’t have anything to do with “Choice,” might I suggest a change of name? Catholics for the Results of the Sexual Revolution Which Was Fun Where’d It Go?

Though I’m not sure about the “Catholics” part. Being Catholic means — of course — believing the teachings of the Catholic Church. (As you and I both know, it’s a religion, not an abstract wallowing in the “accepting message of Jesus.”) The Catholic Church teaches the following:

“Therefore We base Our words on the first principles of a human and Christian doctrine of marriage when We are obliged once more to declare that the direct interruption of the generative process already begun and, above all, all direct abortion, even for therapeutic reasons, are to be absolutely excluded as lawful means of regulating the number of children. Equally to be condemned, as the magisterium of the Church has affirmed on many occasions, is direct sterilization, whether of the man or of the woman, whether permanent or temporary. Similarly excluded is any action which either before, at the moment of, or after sexual intercourse, is specifically intended to prevent procreation—whether as an end or as a means.” (Humanae Vitae 14-16).

…and you — stop me if I’m wrong — don’t believe it. This makes you, quite specifically, not Catholic. (No one’s mad, just letting you know what’s up.) And then there’s the whole issue of Canon Law:

“The Church encourages the Christian faithful to promote or sustain a variety of apostolic undertakings but, nevertheless, prohibits any such undertaking from claiming the name Catholic without the consent of the competent ecclesiastical authority (see canon 216 of the 1983 Code of Canon Law).”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you don’t have the “consent of competent ecclesiastical authority”. (From what I understand, this means you can be sued by Canon Lawyers. (Who, from what I understand, are badasses. (A few of whom who follow my blog. (Who should feel absolutely free to contact me to discuss the establishment of a Canon lawsuit against Catholics for Choice at any point.))))

So, back to your new name: People With Subscriptions to Shutterstock.com for the Results of the Sexual Revolution Which Was Fun Where’d It Go Don’t Sue Us Please.

Alright, enough fun, let’s get to business. I know you are not some abstract entity. You are a group of human beings — living, breathing, made for total communion with He Who Is Love Itself. I sincerely, seriously, and whole-heartedly desire to see you in Heaven. As such you should be aware that you’re living in heresy — “the obstinate post-baptismal denial of some truth which must be believed with divine and catholic faith” (Code of Canon Law c.751) — and are thus risking the salvation of your souls. (If you’re claiming the title Catholic, you should know this.)

I’m not judging you without judging myself — I often risk the salvation of my eternal soul, trading it willingly for some pleasure or convenience. So hear me as your brother and fellow sinner: Repent, repent, repent. Believe what Christ told Peter, that “on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”

The Holy Church has bound the issues of contraception and abortion here on earth — do not expect to find them loosed in Heaven.