Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my Bachelor men is set at the bare minimum.

Anyway, sorry this recap is late! I literally forgot what day it was so that should tell you how my life is going currently. The gang is off to Paris. Now, I’ve never been to Paris, but this episode did not make me want to go. The production team appeared to be working off a Thrillist listicle called “Ten Tackiest Things To Do In Paris.” I just don’t think wax clown sculptures scream “The City of Love” but hey what do I know?

There will be four dates this week for the many women still left. Does anyone else feel like Jenna just escaped an insane asylum and has been posing as a contestant this whole time? Or maybe is Jon Benet Ramsey all grown up? Either way she’d be a more interesting first one-on-one choice than Lauren B., who apparently has the personality of a mop. I’ve literally said more words to my dental hygienist while she has tools in my mouth and I can’t stand that bitch.

Lauren and Arie stroll through Paris while Arie tries to talk about cheese. Lauren can barely muster a “wow” in response. Apparently a French triple creme doesn’t do it for Lauren like it does for me. I can’t tell if this girl is a serial killer or just dumb as rocks. But I guess that’s what Arie would call “mysterious.” They go to dinner, where out of thin air Arie reveals he got a woman preggo and she had a miscarriage. All this to the contestant he has actually talked to the least. I don’t understand men.

For the group date, the rest of the ladies go to Moulin Rouge. Half of them are way too excited and the rest of them reasonably dread having to put on a twenty pound feather headpiece and do an awkward solo dance on stage for Arie. Wasn’t Moulin Rouge like kind of a bummer? Why are these women acting like this is their literal dream come true? Jenna is going to shit her thong with excitement.

Arie decides that Bekah M. will be his stage partner as he lip-synchs some French words in a baby blue suit and top hat that burned my eyes blind. The other women watching are rightfully horrified, but let’s not pretend it’s because you wanted to be up there. Arie and Bekah appear to be exclusively performing for the other women and Miss Janet, because I’m pretty sure none of the French would deign to watch this shit even if ABC were paying them.

The two-on-one date card arrives. Krystal’s entire life has been in preparation for reading this date card and she does not disappoint. Of course the producers pick Kendall, the one person who has attempted to speak to Krystal like a sentient being, and force her to endure an extended two-on-one from hell.

Krystal uses her alone time with Arie to desperately yell Pinterest quote/Disney lyric hybrids into his ear, which generally make about as much sense as her outfit choice. If you look closely you can see the light leave Arie’s eyes right around the time she references the texture of their relationship.

As soon as Krystal decided to throw Kendall under the bus unnecessarily, I knew she was cancelled. But not before the producers bait them into a showdown. In a shocking twist, instead of smacking Krystal’s cracked ass smile off her fucking face, Kendall scoots closer, holds Krystal’s hand, and then proceeds to read her like a damn book. It was beautiful, it was moving, it made me google Kendall’s phone number for a half hour so I could ask her to be my life guru. I’m calling it here first, Kendall is the messiah, the second coming has arrived and it has arrived in a two-on-one date on the Bachelor.

After waiting around for a while to “make up his mind” Arie keeps Kendall and sends Krystal home without even walking her out. That shit was so cold it gave me the chills. Krystal has cracked, but it doesn’t stop her from saying some delusional shit about how she was strong and then weak and then I think strong again but can’t b sure bc I’ve blocked out her voice as a means of self-preservation.

Jacquelyn gets the last one on one. I had high hopes for her but after she seemingly offers to give up her entire life’s ambitions for the chance to get a rose I was slightly less a fan. Also Arie did literally NOTHING to fix that car, hence why you hailed a cab. What a wild and crazy adventure that was. I can’t invest myself further in this relationship that will be over by next week.

At the rose ceremony Chelsea somehow goes home before Jaquelyn does and Lauren B. has a minor breakdown because she doesn’t give af about Tuscany she just wants to be with Arie. Hon, check your priorities. See you next week, when shit apparently hits the fucking fan!