Finally, ‘climate change’ has revealed its true, heaven-sent purpose: Coldplay are so worried about it that they have decided not to tour their new album.

The pantywaist band’s chief-bedwetter, singer Chris Martin has said that he doesn’t want to take their show on the road till he can be sure it’s carbon neutral.

“We’re not touring this album. We’re taking time to see how our tour can be actively beneficial.”

So let’s make it our mission to show Chris that this is an impossible dream: the jet flights; the pantechnicons transporting all that gear; the fossil fuels powering the lighting rigs and the sound systems…

Even if Sir Elton John were to donate his entire fortune to paying for their carbon offsets, like he did for Prince Harry and Meghan, it still wouldn’t be anywhere near enough to undo the environmental and acoustic damage inflicted on the world every time Chris Martin steps onto a stage and sings Yellow.

It’s quite possibly true that for every one of their mawkish, piano-driven, stadium rock, wave-your-iPhone-in-the-air-like-it’s-a-cigarette-lighter crowdpleasers Coldplay inflict on the audience, the following animals die painfully:

6 baby polar bears 8,000 snail darters a blue whale a koala (burned to death by a bush fire with no nice friendly passing lady to rescue it by wrapping it in her shirt) an endangered kakapo parrot.

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