Are you a Jackass? Are you sure? I suspect many people are and simply don’t know it. That’s why I’ve over the years developed a theory that the world would be better if non-Jackass people carried around t-shirts and handed them out to all the Jackasses they meet.

Said t-shirts would come in two varieties—Jackass and Total Jackass. What’s the difference? I’m glad you asked, as I have a few examples.

Everyone knows that only a Jackass would drive a Hummer, right? Unless you’re patrolling Mogadishu searching for pirates, you really don’t need a vehicle of that size. No one does. So today while driving to lunch a Hummer pulls out of a driveway ahead of me. This person is officially a Jackass. Just getting in their car earns them a t-shirt. However, they are not yet a Total Jackass. No, that distinction is earned once I see they have a custom license plate promoting the environment. Now this person is a Total Jackass. Just to make sure there is no confusion, less than three hundred yards from their house they pull into a gas station to refuel their monstrosity. Look, buddy, you’re trying too hard. You’ve more than earned your Total Jackass t-shirt.

Lunch was at Pizza Hut for their buffet. While the food is perfectly edible, let’s not kid ourselves here. It’s nothing to stampede for. However, that’s exactly what the man behind me in line is revving himself up for. When I finally get near enough to see what pizzas actually populate the bar, I mistakenly momentarily hesitate to examine my choices. The man launches into a series of huffs and puffs until I allow him to pass ahead and he begins shoveling a random assortment of pizza onto his plate. You might think this makes him a Total Jackass, but you’d be wrong. At this point he is still firmly in Jackass territory. He could be promoted for any of the following actions: shoveling an entire pizza onto his three-inch plate, tackling me in the process of cutting in line, or (and this actually seemed most likely) removing food from my plate as I filled it.

Here are some other quick tidbits to distinguish between the two. A Jackass is too arrogant to wear a helmet when riding any two wheeled vehicle. A Total Jackass actively campaigns to get others to stop wearing their helmets. A Jackass watches bad films to be “ironic.” A Total Jackass actually does air quotes when saying “ironic,” thus proving they are both smart enough to know the usage is wrong, and stupid enough to think anyone is impressed. A Jackass wears blue jeans with a blazer to show they’re hip and professional, but don’t take themselves too seriously. A Total Jackass wears a blazer with cargo shorts.

Come to think of it, t-shirt orders will be available soon.