SAN DIEGO— A freshly-printed DD214 at Naval Base San Diego’s Personnel Support Department (PSD) is currently claiming to be “completely fucking beside” itself, upon learning that the sailor it’s about to be signed by is going to leave active duty after having earned only three ribbons during his enlistment.

According to the enraged sheet of Hammermill 8-1/2” x 11” multi-purpose paper, Seaman Trevor Sandifur is scheduled to be honorably discharged later this morning, despite only having one Good Conduct Medal, one National Defense Service Medal, and one Global War on Terrorism Medal listed under his Block 13– each of which the DD214 is calling “just your basic, push-button bullshit.”

“This Sandifur douche is a real piece of work,” said the agitated DD214, while speaking from an overflowing inbox atop an unmanned desk at PSD. “The dude has no sea service ribbon, no pistol or rifle quals, not even a Humanitarian Service Medal — and the Navy hands them shits out like candy!”

“To think that anybody should be allowed to go four-whole-years just slacking off and never having to do anything more than the bare minimum — as they all-the-while suck off of Uncle Sam’s teat — is a total embarrassment,” the DD214 continued. “I mean, knowing that this do-nothing sponge is going to be allowed to sign his name on MY bottom line (and then reap all of the benefits) seriously just makes me want to jump straight off this desk and right into the goddamned paper shredder.”

Upon finishing its tirade, Sandifur’s DD214 took a moment to compose itself, and then admitted that it actually wishes the best for the separating sailor.

“Hopefully, this kid might have at least had the foresight to line up a decent job in the civilian sector before leaving the Navy, so that then he can at least learn the value of a hard day’s work,” said the document.

“If that happens, then it’s something I could totally support.”

UPDATE: Since this story first appeared, the indignant DD214 has reportedly been begging to “just be set on fucking fire” upon learning that Sandifur is actually receiving an early-out from his original enlistment end date, so as to use his Post-9/11 GI Bill to pursue an online poetry degree.