Effects of Bullying: Nothing But Bad Dreams

Here is something that you might not know. When bullying ends, it’s just the beginning. It’s well over midnight when I’m writing this blog post. Rest of the family is sleeping, and here I am alone typing, like many nights before. For the last 20 years I have thought that I’m up at night, because that is when my creative mood kicks in. Nope. That is just a part of the truth. I’m up, because I’m actually scared of going to sleep. I just want to delay that moment, long as I can.

Why I’m scared of going to sleep? For the last 20 years I have seen nothing, but bad dreams. I know why it happens. I was heavily bullied in high school, and it’s been over 20 years since that “ended”. Only problem is that you can’t control the quality of your sleep.

My doctor said that the I will stop seeing bad dreams when I have dealt all the stuff in my sleep. There’s no magical pill that work on cases like this. I don’t have a sleeping problem. I can sleep 12 hours straight, if I want to. Problem is that I will see nightmares every single night. I’ve done all I can to leave those dark times behind. I even wrote a book about my past.

In my dreams I’m always a failure, I’m always chased, my legs doesn’t carry, and I always have my school books at home, or I haven’t done my homework. I didn’t do any homework when I was in high school. I was too busy trying to survive each day. It’s both funny and sad, that I’m 37 and it’s been 20 years since my school days. Still I’m trapped there every night.

After each night, I’m more tired than the day before. How do I carry on? Everyday I hope this is the last day I’m having bad dreams. What I’m trying to say is; that it’s totally normal to see bad dreams after a childhood trauma. I wish someone would have told me this earlier.

Now it’s time to get some sleep. Maybe tonight I’ll see some good dreams.

Thanks for reading!

Oskari

Badlands Blog

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