The List: 2013

The List archives,

back to 1978:

Houston in the blind. It’s us. We’re out here in orbit, untethered, spinning, trying to dodge the debris flying toward us: jagged shards of computer code from HealthCare.gov and a giant wrecking ball carrying Miley Cyrus, who somehow got her hands on a slutty spacesuit. Rand Paul and Wendy Davis are up here too, and low on oxygen (solution: stop filibustering), as is Edward Snowden, who’s saying we should just head for the moon, where we can seek amnesty from 2013.

In what direction are we pointing? North West-Kardashian? What’s that sound? The dynastic call of the Duck Commander? In space, no one can hear you quack.

You know who’d be good in a situation like this? Rob Ford. Rob Ford would brilliantly blunder his way back to Earth, or he would deny ever having been in space at all.

Wait — our radio is crackling with new voices. Houston? No. It’s…it’s the pope. And Sheryl Sandberg. They want to talk. They’re saying that to get back you have to lean in. Embrace the future. So we do, with a list as our instruction manual.