a review by the Azure-Winged Magpie.

(The Crow has to wait for next week before he can get around to this)!

Click here for our reviews of:



Two years ago, the Crow and I went and watched Split at a press screening. And twelve years before we met, the Crow and I watched Unbreakable in different countries. And we liked both films. But here’s a first! I get to finally review one of these films all by myself!

I just don’t like Shama–llama–ding-dong that much. Since the Crow went over what films he like and doesn’t like in the other two reviews, here’s my list (it’s not like I’ll ever be reviewing any of these) without bullet points cause it looks a little dumb that way.

I like The Sixth Sense a bit. I like the kid but the idea’s a little dumb and the “tW1sT” is pretty silly (5/10). Unbreakable: Love it (7.5/10). Signs: Ehhhh (4/10). Now we get to the ones everyone thinks are bad… What.the.[BLEEP] was The Village supposed to be?! (2/10). And what a cool story Lady in the Water was, writer-Jesus-bro (0.5/10). The Last Airbender needs to get killed by the Fire Nation (-5/10). And what was The Happening? Whaat? Nooo! (1/10). Devil was meh (1/10). After Earth was garbo (1/10). And I don’t get why people liked The Visit (2/10).

So yeah… there’s my list. And hey! I like Unbreakable and Split no? At least this is the one thing he’s done that I actually like. So we should be all set for a nice time at the pictures. Right?

Right?

(◔ _ ◔✿)…?!

Right! Let’s talk about what I thought Glass was like!

That Sounds Like The

Bad Guys Teaming Up

SPOILER LEVELS at MINIMAL(Suprise Surprise!)

(◔ ◡ ◔✿)…?!

So. Um. Did any of you watch the trailers?

Cause if you did, that’s what we got.

David Dunn (Bruce Willis) has gone full-on superhero since what happened in Unbreakable. He’s working the streets with his kid Joseph (Spencer Treat Clark, from the first film!) helping him out like the Oracle helps out the Batman. And he goes and runs into Kevin Wendell Crumb/”The Horde“/”The Beast“/”Patricia/Hedwig (etc.)” (James McAvoy), who’s got these cheerleaders tied up and is basically doing the whole Split thing all over again. Old man David tracks him down and a big old fight breaks out. Their fight gets all policed-up and they both get caught and thrown into a home for crazy people where super-terrorist Elijah Price (Samuel L Jackson) has been staying since the end of Unbreakable.

And in this house for crazy people, they meet Dr. Staple (Sarah Paulson) who starts giving them therapy to fix this crazy idea these people got in their heads that they’re “special” or whatever. That’s what the trailers said. That’s all I’m saying far as the story goes without being all mysterious about it.

First things first: remember what I said about Unbreakable looking a bit old even for a film from 2000? That feeling’s there in this one too. Split didn’t have this weird kind of “old school” feel to it, but Glass does. I’m not really even talking about the camera or the finishing touches or anything. I’m saying the film feels old to me for some reason. I know I never really talk about the pace of a film, but this one has some real slow moments in it. And that probably added up to this feeling I got stuck with. Yeah, the slow bits are annoying, but the flick feeling old isn’t really a bad thing.

The Crow and I both hated the whole “belief” = “you can change your biology!” thing in Split and it’s here a little bit again (I mean… it’s a sequel.) That was a little annoying but whatever. It’s part of the lore I guess. And yeah… Mr. Glass does have a power here. It kinda explains the whole thing at the end of Unbreakable about HOW he did all those super-terrorist things he did and I was pretty alright with it (the trailers even kinda kinda! showed off what his power is).

And the trailer ALSO showed off what his big plan in this film is too. He just wants people to know and accept the idea that superheroes (or villains) exist. So of course “The Overseer” (which Bruce Willis’s character’s now called) and “The Horde” being put in the same loony-bin as him was all part of the plan…

Glass (the movie, not the dude) also ties up Unbreakable and Split‘s stories a little bit. And in a weird way I thought maybe (just maaaybe) stuff from the film Signs would come into play in this film as well. I really thought there might be a connection Shyamalan would Shyamalan into the story (because he’s Shama–llama–ding-dong!).

The powers aren’t really OTT, but they’re pretty rad at the same time. This IS supposed to be “realistic superhero” action after all. Casey (Any Taylor-Joy) comes back and so does Mrs. Glass (Charlayne Woodard) and I actually liked the two of them along with Joseph Dunn just as much as the three “main characters”.

Now I really don’t want to give too much away about the ending. But I want to mention this “group” that comes into the story. I wasn’t really that chuffed about the whole thing. It’s not bad ([BLEEP]. We ALWAYS say things aren’t BAD, but they’re NOT GOOD either ALL THE TIME) but it felt a little… easy?! Are we supposed to expect big HOLY [BLEEP] twists from Shyamalan? Haven’t all of his twists really been a little meh? I just felt like Shyamalan was trying to not mess this one up and decided he was going to do the ONE thing that this series hasn’t done all this while. And that ONE thing he’s gone and done is the SAME thing that made the series so good in the first place.

He turned this into a straight-up superhero film. What we liked about Unbreakable was how it rewrote the whole idea of how a superhero film should be done. Split just carried the story on and had it’s own “superhero origin” hidden inside it. And Glass just goes and says… here! Good guy! There! Bad guy! FIGHT! (Oh and no one likes the two of yous).

Ding-dong might have gotten a little cold in the feet (because lets face it, he’s done [BLEEP]-ups before and can’t be dumb enough to really believe the garbo he said in Lady in the Water). And I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I expected more. I mean… this is a guy whose films I don’t like. And this is a guy who I’ve said has the dumbest twists ever. And here I am upset that he just made a straight-up normal film. Is it cause his reputation’s bigger than him? Is he a meme? Did someone forget to tell me he was a meme?

I mean the film has its problems. I didn’t really like the ending and that whole thing with the group that shows up at the end. I get that there could be another one some time in the future, but I also don’t think there will be one (or should be one). It has some really slow bits that end up being boring. It has a lot of “philosophy” being talked about that’s pretty meh. Bruce Willis looks like he just got out of bed half the time (I’m pretty sure that’s just his everyday life at this point. The guy “just got out of bed” ALL THE TIME). But if you just took Mr. Ding-dong (I come bearing BIG twists)! away from the equation and didn’t really think about how good the other two were… this is an okay film. It’s actually a little better than okay.

But nah. I can’t think like that. This series deserved more.

So yeah… that’s a shame. But it’s not like it’s anything like total doo-doo either.

M. Night Shyamalan just played this one too safe and ended up just making it a pretty meh film. It’s the worst entry in the series, but it’s not all that much a bad film. It’s just nowhere as good as the other two. I wish I couldn’t blame him so much for what ended up happening to Glass, but it’s not like the bloke’s done anything to NOT have the kind of “reputation” he does. On it’s own it’s just an okay kinda alright film. With him in the picture it’s just not that good.

I’m going to go and recommend Glass though. It’s an okay ending to the series but won’t really blow you away. But if you’ve watched Unbreakable and Split, this one’s got to be on your list. Sam Jackson’s smooth as always. Bruce Willis needs tons more coffee (okay… maybe he’s not AS much a sleepyhead like he usually is in this one). Jim McAvoy’s [BLEEP]ing awesome just like he was in Split. And the supporting characters are all great. It ties up some loose ends but contradicts a few things at the same time (not too much though even though I thought they were worse when watching the film).

Now! Here’s something I left out of my bit in the Unbreakable review: the Crow shares The Overseer’s weakness. So I’m off to go chuck him into a swimming pool so that I can have The Corvid Review all to myself! See you lot later!

Azure-Winged Magpie up! Up! And Awayyy! *BONK!*

Final Ratings

T HE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE: 5.5 /10

THE CROW : TBA /10

Here’s the official poster:

Next up! Our FIRST theatre review by our shiny-new member!