Millions Announce Newfound Faith In God As Nicki Minaj Retires From Music

U.S.—Millions announced they now believe in a good, loving God out there somewhere after Nicki Minaj declared that she was retiring from what is ostensibly music, sources confirmed Friday.

Overnight, millions of formerly atheist and agnostic Americans fell to their knees and began to thank "the Big Guy in the sky" for His common grace toward men.

"How can you look at the beautiful universe where Nicki Minaj no longer creates music, or whatever that was, and believe that there's no God?" asked Sarah Carver, 22. "I used to curse God. But in His great mercy, He has saved the children of men from these trials and tribulations."

"Praise be to Jesus!"

One man in New Mexico said he was formerly an atheist vegan pansexual dragonkin but has become a theistic bacon-loving hetero human after hearing the news. "I can deny God no longer," he said as he ate some bacon. "And oh man, this bacon. It's incredible. Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?"

Churches are bracing for the flood of new converts this weekend, adding extra services, enlisting more parking lot ministry volunteers, and buying lots of extra coffee and donuts.

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