WHEN I was five, which was about a million years ago, I was given a book called The Ladybird Book Of Motor Cars.

It was the most exciting thing ever, and every night I’d take it to bed and stare at the drawings of impossibly exotic Maseratis and Lamborghinis.

10 Clarkson's favourite edition . . . Ladybird books as they were

Often they’d cause a fizzing sensation in my gentleman’s region which I could not fully understand.

Then there was the Ladybird Book Of The Hovercraft which was also tremendous and the Ladybird Book Of Jesus.

But that one was a bit boring.

Eventually, I started going to bed with other sorts of publications and figured that the whole Ladybird series of books had gone the way of the red telephone box and Enid Blyton — crushed under the wheels of Snapchat and Call of Duty.

But then, a couple of years ago, they were back.

They had the authentic Sixties artwork and an authentic Sixties tone but they covered modern stuff like the hangover, and the sickie and How It Works: The Husband.

And they were very funny.

10 Prince Charles was thrilled to have a platform to air his views Credit: PA:Press Association

So I was especially looking forward to a new version called The Ladybird Book On Climate Change.

I thought it’d be filled with amusing pictures of drowning polar bears and Prius drivers who’d had an accident.

The scope for comedy when it comes to sanctimonious eco-mentalists is endless.

Sadly however, the publishers decided the book should have a forward by someone important — and approached Prince Charles.

Who doesn’t seem to have got the comedy angle at all.

10 Climate change is no laughing matter for a grinning Prince Charles Credit: PA:Press Association

So he tells readers that action on climate change, which he describes as the “wolf at the door”, must be “scaled up and scaled up now”.

And what’s more, he’s overseen the entire production of the book to make sure that nothing in it can be disputed.

Well I bet I can argue with every single point.

Like, for example: Is the world heating up at all? And if it is, does man have anything to do with it?”

Because let’s face it, when it cooled down and there was an ice age, there was no such thing as a Range Rover or a patio heater.

10 Range Rovers . . . not the solution to climate change, but not the cause either Credit: Range Rover

And when we had the mini ice age a while back, kings and princes lived in unheated castles rather than enormous palaces and went around on horses, not in Aston Martins.

I don’t object to Prince Charles believing that we can somehow stop climate change.

It’s rather sweet that he thinks that by making lovely shortbread from ethically sourced organic materials he can somehow offset all the coal-fired power stations in China.

And it’s charming that he thinks the people of Africa should continue to eat mud and drink from puddles because it would be harmful to the polar bear to give them medicine and electricity.

I’m even rather glad he’s chosen to make his point in an impulse buy, stocking-filler Ladybird Book, rather than on television, in front of a braying audience of Corbynistas and armpit hair enthusiasts.

Because maybe I’ll be given the opportunity to retort.

With the Ladybird Book On The V8.

Divorce will be painful

WE keep being told that since we voted to leave the EU, business is booming, unemployment is down and that the sun will shine for ever.

Obviously, we haven’t actually left yet but this hasn’t stopped the Brexiteers from telling Remainers like me that we were all wrong and that Mrs May’s Big Plans will save us all.

I hope they’re right. I really do.

10 Big responsibility... will Theresa May get Brexit right? Credit: AP

But I can’t help wondering if we are a bit like one half of a couple that’s decided to separate.

Initially there’s relief that the conversation has taken place and hope that the future will be bright and shiny.

But when you get down to the nitty-gritty of how the actual separation will happen it doesn’t take long before the other half says: “That’s my copy of Who’s Next? And no, you can’t have the dog.”

Then there’s bitterness and rage and both parties end up giving all their money and all their records and most of the dog to various lawyers.

In other words, I fear we are in a calm place right now . . . but that there’s a storm coming.

FIGURES just out show that last year, 15,244 of the cars registered in Britain were brown.

Wow.

I knew James May buys a lot of cars.

But not that many.

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AN inquest has heard that a woman who died while hoovering her house had an allergic reaction to her vacuum cleaner.

Yeah. I’ve got the same problem.

10 Idyllic Paris? Not any more with wolves on the loose Credit: Getty

FOR many years, Paris has been the city of choice for any couple who want a romantic weekend break.

They dream of springtime walks along the Seine, coffee in St Germain and stolen kisses on Montmartre.

These days, however, the reality is rather different.

You get surly waiters, taxi drivers who are downright dangerous and an atmosphere that feels like a Liverpool pub moments after a bunch of Manchester United supporters have walked in.

At any moment, you sense the place will become a war zone.

And now we hear that at night, there are actual wolves roaming the city streets looking for food.

Already various deer have been found in parks with their backs broken and their skins lacerated by claws.

Experts are saying it’s only a matter of time before the animals start hunting humans.

So, you may find this a weird thing to say but if I were you, and I wanted a lovey-dovey weekend away, I’d choose Berlin.

10 Berlins Brandenburg Gate, a wolf free zone Credit: Getty Images

SINCE last summer, my youngest daughter – who reads heavyweight novels and even Shakespeare for fun – has been studying hard for her English A-level.

And now I get a letter from the school saying: “Oops, sorry. We’ve been teaching her about a poem by William Yeats but it turns out that’s not on the syllabus and we should have been doing Chaucer.”

10 Schools get it wrong and I won't be paying Credit: Popperfoto

They assure me that if she gives up her Easter holidays and all social activity until June, they can cram her with enough knowledge to get her through the exam.

Well, that’s not good enough.

I won’t name the school but I will say that it can send me a bill for the last term if it likes.

But I shall use it to wipe my arse.

Up next, war on carrots

SOME women are going to spend their weekend making a nuisance of themselves by marching around London to explain that they don’t want Donald Trump to be President of America.

Which is a country where they don’t live.

10 Some suggested it looked as though Trump said 'I'll call you' to Obama Credit: EPA

Yes, well, I’m not sure about him either – he can’t even tie a tie properly – but causing traffic chaos to protest about him being President is like having a march because you don’t think carrots should be orange.

They are. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

HAS anyone else noticed that on Twitter, all celebrities share exactly the same opinion on everything?

Trump is bad. Brexit is terrible. Immigration is good. Tories are b*stards. Climate change is real. All women are brilliant. All men are useless. And the NHS should be given whatever it wants for ever.

Said everyone who’s ever been on television, or in a film.

Carnage cameras

AS the plague of average-speed cameras continues its grip on Britain’s road network, I’m afraid I have to say once more: They are bloody dangerous.

10 More than 250 miles of roads in the UK are now regularly monitored by average speed cameras Credit: Alamy

You end up doing the same speed as the vans and lorries and you get bunching, which is dangerous enough at the best of times but is even worse when everyone all around you is driving along staring only at their speedometers.

One of these days, mark my words, many motorists will be mangled in a juggernaut dance of death.

And the average-speed cameras will be to blame.