About Last Week

This is a football.

It’s brown. It’s made of leather. It has laces in an eight-across configuration. It will often have writing or logos on the side. It is about 11 inches long, and weighs about 15 ounces. From the side, it looks like an oval (or, to be more accurate, a prolate spheroid). If it’s coming directly at you, it may look like a circle. Regardless, same object.

The sport of football derives its name from this ball, which, again, is called a football. The entire rule book is premised on possession of this object. The team that possesses it can score points. The team that does not possess it cannot. As a result, the primary objective of the team that does not have the football is to reacquire it, and as a result they will effort to remove it from your possession, often by force.

Please hold onto it.

The Road Ahead

Penn State (6-0, 3-0 B1G)

Last week: Won at Iowa, 17-12

Recap: Penn State went the ‘method actor’ route against Iowa. If you’re gonna be in a Kinnick Classic, you may as well THINK like it. Live it. Breathe it. Embody it. Be it.

Penn State gained only 3.8 yards per play, but they did so in the manner of the guys who say “all you need is 3.4 yards per play and you should never have to punt.” They were 7/7 in converting 3rd down and less than 5, and they were 2/12 on 3rd and 5+. They also forced two turnovers inside the Iowa 40, and didn’t turn the ball over themselves. That’s how you turn 294 yards into enough points to win a road game against a top-25 team. That, and you play Iowa, where offense goes to die.

Nights in Happy Valley: it wasn't always this way

This team is as frightening as: The Purge. They're basically dangerous one night a year. Unfortunately for us, the Purge happens to fall on Saturday this year. Fear Level = 9

Michigan should worry about: After a five-week game of musical chairs, Penn State seems to have settled on a primary running back; Noah Cain carried the ball 22 times for 102 yards, and none of the other running backs had more than 4 carries.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: This was still Penn State’s worst offensive yards per play since their 49-10 loss to Michigan in 2016. And they are still coached by James Franklin.

When they play Michigan: I haz fears.

Next game: vs. Michigan, sigh, 7:30 p.m., ABC (PSU -9)

[AFTER THE JUMP: look, offense is hard, okay???]

Notre Dame (5-1)

Last week: Beat USC, 30-27

Recap: Christopher Robin, I like the old bouncy Tigger best.

Notre Dame was more fun when they had Charlie Weis and Jimmy Clausen and Tommy Rees and Unstable Brian Kelly. I liked 4-8 Notre Dame and Losing To Mediocre Michigan Teams Notre Dame and Wasting A Receiving Corps With Michael Floyd And Golden Tate and Kyle Rudolph Notre Dame. This new stable, responsible, unremarkable Notre Dame isn’t fun.

Notre Dame was slightly outgained on a per-play basis against USC, but the Irish took advantage of their scoring chances, played solid bend-but-don’t-break defense, and generally competent’d their way to victory in a game that should have, statistically speaking, been a dogfight.

Those were the days

This team is as frightening as: Happy learned how play fundamentally-sound football. Uh oh. Fear Level = 8

Michigan should worry about: Ian Book is the kind of annoying, mobile-enough quarterback Michigan has historically struggled to contain.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: If you believe math, Michigan will be facing the 7th-best defense on its schedule.

When they play Michigan: Math has no power here. This is Michigan/Notre Dame, where only narratives hold sway.

Next game: Bye

Maryland (3-3, 1-2 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Purdue, 40-14

Recap: This is normally the point when we squint and tilt our head slightly to gaze at Maryland’s offense as if it were a weird piece of modern art. However, this week even the Maryland offense is staring at the Maryland defense like, “yikes buddy what was that.”

Purdue was still without Elijah Sindelar, Rondale Moore, and a bunch of other guys. The offensive line is a game of musical chairs. They were coming off a 104-total-yard, 1.9 yards-per play QWOP-fest at the hands of Penn State. And they were playing in the same stiff wind that saw most other Midwest passing offenses struggle. Yet they allowed Jack Plummer to throw for 420 yards at 10.2 yards per attempt. Tack on 127 rushing yards, and Maryland pretty well got their teeth kicked in.

Offensively, Piggy was fine in relief of the injured Josh Jackson; he had a 61 yard touchdown run and a couple of other very shifty runs among his 107 rushing yards. But Maryland asked him to throw the ball 39 times, which was way too many for Piggy on a windy day. He threw for 5.6 YPA and two picks, including an absolute killer during the end-of-half two minute drill that was returned for a touchdown.

This team is as frightening as: Football Plinko. Fear Level = 3.5

Michigan should worry about: Having Piggy in the backfield with Anthony McFarland and Javon Leake gives Maryland a credible ability to threaten the defense with multiple dynamic runners.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Michigan has won the last four games with Maryland by an average of 32.5 points.

When they play Michigan: Locksley vs. Gattis. Hooray. /waves tiny, tiny flag

Next game: vs. Indiana, 3:30 p.m., BTN (Maryland +3.5)

Michigan State (4-3, 2-2 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Wisconsin, 38-0

Recap: You hear “149 total yards,” and you probably think “that’s bad.” But if you look closer… yeah never mind it is indeed bad. I’m not sure where I was going with that. Sorry.

Here's what "bad" looks like:

One 12-play, 39-yard drive

One 7-play, 37 yard drive at the end of the fourth quarter that ended in a pick

Two first-down-and-outs (gaining 13 and 4 yards, respectively)

Seven 3-and-outs

In order, their drives gained 8, 5, 13, 6, 6, 39, 5, 4, 0, 6, and 37 yards. Their one sustained non-garbage-time drive? Yeah 20 of those 39 yards were on a fake punt (which is why Tyriq Thompson was MSU’s leading rusher with, you guessed it, 20 yards). Entering their final Rocky Lombardi-led Defeat With Dignity drive with two minutes left, MSU had 77 yards of real offense. Brian Lewerke was 7 of 16 for 53 yards (3.3 YPA) and a touchdown to Zach Baun. Elijah Collins, survivor of the MSU running back tontine, celebrated with 8 carries for 16 yards, making him MSU’s leading non-linebacker rusher on the day.

Defensively, this is the first time MSU has surrendered 30+ points in three consecutive games since 2009.

Poor damn Redbox Bowl Committeepersons. All they wanted was to earn a few hundred thousand dollars for a couple dozen hours of medium-hard work. They don't deserve this.

This team is as frightening as: Perhaps we were too hasty.

Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: After they lose to Penn State next week, their goals will have been officially been reduced to "screw with Michigan's season," which is where Michigan State derives their greatest powers.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: 149 yards of offense is surely the fewest yards accumulated by Michigan State in a single game in a long, long time. Years? Decades, maybe?

When they play Michigan: This year, MSU yards > Martin Luther's Theses. Heck, I'll make an even bolder prediction: MSU yards > Jay-Z's problems.

Next game: Bye

Indiana (4-2, 1-2 B1G)

Last week: Beat Rutgers, 35-0

Indiana

Recap: Indiana kicked off to start this game. They then led 7-0 with 14:50 remaining in the first quarter, and 14-0 with 12:14 remaining in the first quarter. Don’t blink: Rutgers happens fast.

As usual, we didn’t learn much from a Rutgers game. Michael Penix continues to impress with his arm. Whop “WHOP PHILYOR” Philyor had his second consecutive productive week, with 10 catches for 182 yards. The defense continued their Jekyll/Hyde/Jekyll/Hyde trend, following up a mediocre performance against a mediocre Michigan State offense with a 1.6 YPP thumping of a staring-up-at-mediocre-like-an-unfrozen-caveman-seeing-a-B2-bomber Rutgers offense.

If you want to nitpick, I guess you can worry that Indiana turned twelve drives into only 28 offensive points. But 557 yards at 7.6 yards per play hardly seems like cause for concern, even against Rutgers.

This team is as frightening as: The 24th sequel to The Purge. Still dangerous, but in a "how many more ways can we find for these characters to trip over their own wangs and get themselves in trouble" kind of way. This year, the bag guys get in because… uh… the dog steps on the garage door opener.

DON'T WORRY, the dog makes it out just fine. Man, y'all always worry more about the dog than the people. Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: Indiana has moved ahead of Michigan State in SP+, and is only a hair behind Notre Dame. And the game is at Indiana. And, if I need to remind you… Indiana gets weird.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Despite Michael Penix’s athleticism*, since the opener against Ball State he really hasn’t run the ball at all. Not sure if it’s by design to keep him healthy — he did get dinged up against Easter Illinois and missed two games as a result — but they are leaving a dangerous dimension to the offense on the table.

*And no, this isn’t a Joe Milton “we think he’s probably a runner because… uh… reasons” thing. Penix can really move.

When they play Michigan: Stupid. Win.

Next game: @ Maryland, 3:30 p.m., BTN (IU -3.5)

Ohio State (6-0, 3-0 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

As if we would have done one anyway.

This team is as frightening as: The best team in the country according to SP+, among many metrics. Fear Level = 9.8

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Wisconsin took play to Michigan State for 60 minutes the way Ohio State couldn’t.

Michigan should worry about: Okay great but if your best argument is “based on the transitive property of football Michigan might fare marginally better against Ohio State than they did against Wisconsin,” this argument does not fill me with joy.

When they play Michigan: Look I promise to get my head straight before The Game but if y’all don’t need me for a bit I’m gonna hit the snooze button on my BPONE nap a couple more times.

Next game: @ Northwestern, 8:30 p.m. Friday (?) BTN (OSU -28)

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Middle Tennessee State (2-4, 1-1 CUSA)

Last week: Lost at Florida Atlantic, 28-13

Gee how did that get here

Recap: MTSU outgained FAU by about 100 total yards and 1.3 yards per play, and led 13-12 at the half. However, the Blue Raiders did themselves no favors; Asher O’Hara threw 3 INTs, Crews Holt (CREWS HOLT!) missed a field goal and an extra point (the latter of which was returned for a 2-point conversion), and the Blue Raiders lost a turnover on downs.

This concludes our discussion of MTSU Football for the week. Join us next week for two more sentences.

Next game: @ North Texas, 4:00 p.m. (MTSU +9)

Army (3-3)

Last week: Lost at Western Kentucky, 17-8

Recap: There has to be a way to Support The Troops that doesn’t involve watching this Army team play football. Even the highlights are boring.

Army’s offense has been bad for pretty much the entire season. Other than games against Morgan State and bottom-5-in-the-FBS UTSA, Army is yet to crack 4.4 yards per carry in any game. Last year, they rushed for 4.9 yards per carry against a harder schedule.

Next game: @ Georgia State, 7:00 p.m., ESPN+ (Army -6)

Wisconsin (6-0, 3-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Michigan State, 38-0

Recap: On behalf of Michigan fans everywhere, I would like to thank Wisconsin for serving as a palate-cleanser after the Illinois game left a funky taste in our mouths. It was nice to see Michigan’s throttling in Madison validated by an even worse thumping. It was also nice to see Mark Dantonio sad-mad enough to start yelling at Hondo. Honestly, it was just all nice to see.

From a Wisconsin point of view, it was encouraging to see them have sustained offensive success without having to rely totally on Jonathan Taylor, who was held to 80 yards on 26 carries. This was the first time since his freshman year he failed to crack 4 yards per carry. Jack Coan wasn’t asked to carry significantly more of the load than normal, but had another extremely efficient day (18/21, 180 yards, 8.6 YPA, 1 TD, 0 INT). Wisconsin was also able to put the offense back in the barn after about 15 minutes.

Now we're all just waiting for their battle with Ohio State next week, though the odds of a rematch in Indianapolis are pretty high.

Next game: @ Illinois, noon, BTN (Wisconsin -31)

Rutgers (1-5, 0-4 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Indiana, 35-0

Recap: They’ve done it. They’ve broken me. I am out of metaphors. I am out of cheeky comparisons. They received the opening kickoff, and they surrendered the game-winning points within TEN SECONDS OF SAID KICKOFF. I've got nothing.

Johnny Langan completed 5 of 13 passes for 1 yard. And to be honest, it isn’t the 2.8 inches per attempt that boggles my mind. Sure, that’s catastrophic, but we’ve seen that kind of stuff from Rutgers before. They finished 2 of 17 for 8 yards (0.5 YPA) against Maryland last year and 2 of 18 for 5 yards (0.3 YPA) against Michigan in that infamous 78-0 game in 2016. But that’s the inevitable result of trying to football when you aren’t very good at football. If your guys can’t get open, you’re gonna throw a bunch of incomplete passes. So even though Rutgers lost an average of 2.2 yards every time they dropped back when you include sacks, they had to try something.

No, the thing that gets me is the 0.2 yards per completion. Because THAT WAS THE STUFF THAT WORKED. They completed 38.5% of their passes, which isn’t even that bad for Rutgers. The thing kind of did what it was supposed to do. They spent so much time and effort squeezing out a cool glass of turnip juice. Every completion was a daring bank heist that stole the stash of clicky-pens they store right next to the vault.

Rutgers has been outscored 165-7 in their four Big Ten games. By the old GopherQuest rules*, Rutgers has a scoring ratio of 4.1%, which would make them the worst Big Ten team in the history of ever. And they still have Ohio State, Penn State, and Michigan State on the slate. They’d better score a bunch of points against Illinois on November 2nd.

*One GopherQuest update: with a scoring ratio of 18%, 2016 Rutgers actually snuck in below 1981 Northwestern as the worst Big Ten team since 1961.

Next game: vs. Minnesota, 3:30 p.m., BTN (Rutgers +29)

Iowa (4-2, 1-2 B1G)

Last week: Lost to Penn State, 17-12

Recap: Iowa plays some of the most unpleasant football in the entire country.

I don’t mean that they are a bad team. Far from it; Iowa is a borderline top-25 team. They have a good defense and a mediocre, conservative, unimaginative offense. And on paper, you’d rather be Iowa than probably a hundred other teams this year. They just shouldn’t make people watch them is all.

Last week we compared Maryland to a summer blockbuster disaster movie. Iowa is more like an artsy, heavy, depressing movie that is light on plot and heavy on character development; they’re basically a Lars Von Trier film about a simple man just trying to get to get to 3rd and 6 in life. The Leaving Las Vegas of football teams. Or Requiem For A Punt. You might DVR an Iowa game thinking you might want to watch it again later, but after you watch it once, you say, “no, I won’t be doing that again.”

Iowa is only allowing 10.2 points per game. But at what cost.

Next game: vs. Purdue, noon, ESPN2 (Iowa -18)