BRITISH newspapers are famous for intrusive coverage, personal hate campaigns and outright lies. But could they sink lower?

Openly campaign for fascism

Attacking the judiciary and constantly demanding harsher right-wing policies is well Nazi. Not long before the Mail runs the headline END THIS RIDICULOUS DEMOCRACY NOW with an offer for free meadow flower seeds above it.

Print masturbation tips next to stories

The excessive use of bikini shots in any circumstances suggests newspapers expect male readers to have a good tug. This could be aided by tips such as ‘Why not try lying on your hand?’ or ‘Is it time to upgrade your dildo?’

Regress into childish abuse

Tabloids love to patronise their admittedly cretinous readers, so write articles aimed at six-year-old literacy levels like ‘Stinky beard man smells like tramp’ or ‘Nasty Mr Barnier being mean to mummy and daddy’.

Print people’s exact address, phone number and daily routine

Hounding individuals is standard practice, so once a victim has been selected there should be full details of where to find them at specific times of day. This isn’t encouraging violence or intimidation, it’s just a newspaper’s duty to inform its readers.

Make everything up

Rather than just lying frequently, the papers could become wholly fictitious. The Telegraph has made excellent progress in this area with alternate-reality stories such as ‘How Britain is already £46,000 per person richer’ and ‘Why all the cool dudes are 90’.

Assassinate famous people in a literal sense

Britain’s papers genuinely hate their chosen celebrity targets, so why not start slaying them? Changes to the law would be needed, but some interesting stories would result: ‘PIERS MORGAN: How I finally bagged Gary Lineker with a sniper rifle’.