Great personality = ugly as sin: The dating dictionary that teaches lonely hearts how to read between the lines



Five-times-married Jan Leeming claimed in Femail last week that internet dating has given her a new lease of life - and she's not alone. A staggering 65 per cent of British singletons now turn to the internet looking for love. But everyone who's ever dated online knows personal profiles can be a minefield - too often a tall, dark, handsome millionaire turns out to be a short, fat, ugly geek. Here, to help you read between the lines of adverts, CLAUDIA CONNELL brings you a handy his 'n' hers Dating Dictionary.

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN



ADORABLE Wetter than Pamela Anderson's swimming costume. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives.

CURVY Fat. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. This girl is more pint glass than hourglass.

VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her.

BUBBLY Fat AND annoying. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects.

His ad says he's attractive, sporty and 5ft 10in. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker



CUDDLY Morbidly obese. A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility.

BBW Stands for 'big, beautiful woman'. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful.

SIZE 10 In Uzbekistan. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story.

FIERY Psychotic. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts.

VIVACIOUS Aggressive. An opinionated finger-jabber. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat.



GREAT PERSONALITY Ugly as sin. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag.

ARTISTIC Drama Queen. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences.

ATHLETIC AND TONED Flat chested and shapeless. A sexless, lumpless and bumpless Tomboy.

AGE 34 Age 43. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet. It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure.

PLAYFUL Hussy. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn.

GIRLY Thick. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow. She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is.

LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day.

I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported.

CHALLENGING High-maintenance pain in the neck.

HOMELY Frump. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders.

LOYAL Stalker. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'

LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE Gold digger. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis.

HONEST No social skills. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head.



SENSITIVE Cry baby. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces.







WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN



ATTRACTIVE Plain. Everyone in online dating is 'attractive.' In the real world it means 'pleasant to look at' - in the internet-speak it means: two eyes, two ears and a mouth.

FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE Gutchurningly hideous. When he's not even claiming to be attractive, it's time to worry. Andrew Lloyd Webber will look like a Calvin Klein model next to this guy. Meeting under the cover of darkness is advised.

TOLD ATTRACTIVE By my mother, the only woman I've every loved or am ever likely to.

RUGBY PLAYER'S BUILD One who retired 10 years ago. Stop thinking: Jonny Wilkinson. Start thinking: Johnny Vegas.

Translation: When his ad says 'rugby player's build' he doesn't mean Jonny Wilkinson, he really means Johnny Vegas



DISCRETION EXPECTED I'm married and don't want my wife to know.

DISCRETION OFFERED I don't care if you're married too.

HOPE YOU LIKE MY PICTURE Taken 10 years ago and bears no resemblance on now.

MODERN MAN We'll be splitting the bill 50/50. I go on three of these internet dates a week. So unless you're a sure thing you pay for your own dinner.

NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology.

WILLING TO TRAVEL Lives in a filthy flea-ridden hovel that he can't possibly let you see.

ADVENTUROUS Pervert. He can turn anything into a double entendre. On a date he'll order graphically named cocktails and talk dirty with you over the garlic bread.

NORMAL KIND OF GUY Normal in a Norman Bates kind of way. Normality should be a given, so run a mile from anyone selling it as a good point.

GSOH (GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR) No sense of humour. The golden rule of internet dating is that anyone who feels obliged to mention they have a sense of humour is usually devoid of one.

EARNS A SIX-FIGURE SALARY Yes, he does. But he includes pence in that figure.

NEVER DONE THIS Have done this a thousand times before, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you're my first.

FUN AND ZANY Mental age of a 12-year-old. Your date will be a riot of whoopee cushions, itching powder and fake-dogpoo-filled fun.

LOOKS NOT IMPORTANT Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.

5ft 10 5ft 7. It's safe to deduct three inches from any man claiming to be between 5ft 7 and 5ft 10.

SPORTY I watched the Olympics and play snooker for the local pub team.



UNIQUE Sex change. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.

NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am.

OLD FASHIONED Male chauvinist pig. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts.



TRADITIONAL Patronising. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day.

MANLY Hairy. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture.



DISTINGUISHED Old. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet. The good news is he travels for free and gets in half-price at the cinema.

INDEPENDENT Lying, cheating commitment-phobic scum.

UNCONVENTIONAL Insane. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.

ASPIRATIONAL Broke. He has lofty ideas, but not a penny to his name. Expect early-bird specials on your date.



ROMANTIC Oily creep. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.

