A bald man cloaked in a white robe asks you to stand. Now sit. Now stand again. The bald man hands out free crackers to compliment the bottle of 2010 Veramonte Merlot he popped the cork on. You sing a little song. Now sit again. This is your reality. Every Sunday, this is your routine. As the pews begin to empty and the good people disperse, you gaze up at the grotesque t-shaped statue hanging from the ceiling. You whisper softly, “Dear Lorb Jebus Crisp, how the hell did I get here?”

It’s no secret that religious groups run rampant here at MSU, but what you might not know, is that there is a secret task force designed specifically to prey on the weak and meager, and to recruit weak-minded souls. These Crusaders are tasked with finding outcasted, or otherwise solitary students in an attempt to gain their patronage, thus growing their godly numbers. These recruiters are hot. Only the sexiest members of the parish are assigned to this special mission. Holy Operation: Flirt to Convert.

Since the early 2000s these operatives have been recruiting new disciples of the lord. Their siren song has been luring poor suckers out of the cafeteria and into the righteous hands of God Almighty. These poor saps thought a hottie was paying them attention, but once the victim was hooked on Christianity, the operatives disappear, never to be heard from again. However, in recent years, their quota has been getting harder and harder to hit. This led to a breakthrough in church technology:

After careful planning and praying, East Lansing’s own First Church of Christ, Scientist has opted to become the home of MSU’s first pretty-close-to-campus titty bar. Hallelujah! Opened in secret, this house of worship has already started attracting sizable crowds. Comprised mostly of lost frat boys and The Ski Club, this mammary mission manor has become the holy hotspot for all things hellacious. These godly gals will grind in your lap until you agree to come to church; and in exchange for a quick blowie, all you have to do is sign up to work at Charity Soup Kitchen Day.

If you’re looking for a weekday special, their drink menu caters mostly to the fervent fans of red wine; however, the Eucharist Entree special is what really keeps people coming back for more… that and the scantily clad women. So whether you’re making it rain for 40 days and 40 nights, or introducing Eve to your snake, this vivacious venture will leave your wallet empty and your soul full. In Jesus’ name… Amen.