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The Member For Warringah has arrived at the high-hedges of Toorak this afternoon on a private jet, in an effort to defend his beloved Catholic Church.

This follows the lifting of a nationwide suppression order which has allowed media to report that Pell has been found guilty of sexually abusing two choirboys when he was archbishop of Melbourne.



As his re-election chances take another body blow today, former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has had to take control of the narrative now surrounding the himself and the God-fearing child abuse apologists in public office.

This comes after Scott Morrison failed in his attempts at consoling Abbott. with wise words related to similar accusations surrounding a former leader of his own church.

Instead, he’s had to take matters into his own hands. First stop, Andrew Bolt’s home office.

Making his way into the sixteen bedroom Chatue De Bolt, Abbott was quick to get to business.

“I read your article accusing the traumatised choirboys of making shit up!” barked Abbott.

“It wasn’t enough. People see the word choirboys and they have already made their assumptions”

Abbott’s loyal servant appeared rattled.

“But, what else can I do sir?”

“Defending pedophiles is literally the bottom of the barrel”

Abbott smirked, before picking up a whiteboard pen and making his way towards Bolt’s beloved framed Bill Henson print, which he began using as a canvas for his brainstorm.

“We need a distraction” he said.

“Remember when Julia Gillard was dominating me in the polls and I started making jokes about her being an unmarried woman. We need that, but much bigger”

Both men briefly fell silent, before a mutual smirk appeared on both their faces.

“African gangs” they both shouted in unison.

After a weirdly intimate high five turned into a hug, Abbott was quick to snap back into game face.

“Get your iPhone! They’ve got cameras on them nowadays!”

Bolt began scrambling across his desk of self-written novels that will never be published.

“Got it!” shouted Bolt.

“Now get out there and start filming some black kids in Melbourne” barked Abbott

“The streets, the train stations, the basketball courts. I don’t care. Get whatever you can. Bait them even”

“I want this on the front page of the Sun and Telly tomorrow”

“We are gonna need a fuckload of African teenagers to survive this one”

“God speed son”