I was up still 7 am this morning writing an entry and I ended up sending it to her…

To no surprise and a let down of hopes crushed she read but did not reply to this, anyway here is the entry…

“Driving past you’re road…

The place we had our first kiss…

Before going central six…

Thinking about times in hobby craft …

Then went cinema with my sister …

Hated it all I could think about was us when we went there…

I’m actually more broken then I ever have been at this point I thought it would get easier but all it’s done is get harder

I haven’t ate today …. again

Can’t sleep

I’m weepy/crying constantly

No matter if

I’m watching something

Playing a game …

All I do is think of you …

I can’t even be in my room all I think of is the times we’ve had …

My rooms became a very sad place for me now ….

I really miss you….

I resent that you left me for the reason you did…

But I can’t let go of this love…

I was gonna try come in next week but I don’t think I can I cannot see you and not break…

Everything I try to do brings a memory of some sort about us …

I have gotten to the point where I cannot do anything

I’m physically and mentally unable to now …

You’re love was the key to the lock of my life…

I am trapped behind this stone door and the only way forward is that key…

I’m forever in limbo …

Waiting to be released…

But the only option of release wishes I was gone…

I use to wonder what made grown men break apart before the end of their times…

Now I know…

It’s a broken heart that needs mending from the loosing the love of their life while their soul is stuck in limbo waiting for sweet release…

But they wait and wait and wait and that sweet release never comes….

They break apart and life crumbles in every aspect around them…

This is just the start of the pain but as it’s gone worse already I can only assume that the sting of the salt in my wounds is just beginning as it really is becoming increasingly hard ….

Just like when we were together

I wake up – I think of you

Through out the day – I miss you and think of our plans

Night falls – I’m stilling thinking of you and missing you

Only difference ?

When we were together these thoughts and feelings didn’t reduce me to a crumbling mess on the floor who’s so afraid of this pain that he can’t even sit in his own room anymore …

Anyway I’m not expecting a reply as I’m sure you just don’t even care about me or my feelings anymore in the slightest ….

I would go as far as you wished you never met me …

Who know 🤷‍♂️

I still care about you right now regardless….

I probably shouldn’t but I still feel so deeply about you it’s impossible not too

I even question myself about how long you wanted to break up for

I’m guessing at least 2 months

But then again when I think about it, It makes the pain worse…

I need to stop sending messages

Urghhh but I can’t…

I just want what seems like the impossible to happen, You to find you’re feelings for me again…

I’ve never cared about my exes leaving as I never really knew what true love was..

But this… this is one of the worse pains I’ve ever felt, I’ve felt less pain at funerals…

I don’t think I’m ever gonna loose this feeling You can say I will all You want but you’re taking this so easy so you just wouldn’t know …

Fuck

Jamie

Stop messaging now

I’m sorry

I hope you’re sleeping well…

I really do miss you

And if you were to wake up see this and actually reply with something positive then Damn…

I might actually put money on the lottery because I’d be one lucky cunt …”

The problem with that entry is that no matter how much I miss her and love her she will never love me and I shouldn’t be this way to get her back… she said some horrible things to me while we were together… she even made me break down multiple occasions… she manipulated situations to make me the bad guy when she hurt me… she blamed me for feeling bad cause my mental health issues (there’s 5 of them).

She even pushed me to speak my mind about her …

Even tho ive been reassured by many that I had every rite to send what I did I still regretted sending it as I love her so much that the thought of her feelings hurting kills me even tho she has hurt mine many of time before and has ruined me now…

Here is the entry that I said to her when I spoke my mind… I held back for so long …

I did not threaten her I simply spoke the truth…

After this I remember why she said she was happy that she left…

Because she didn’t have to worry about me and my ilness….

Or when she said good for leaving me for a savage reason…

I put up with months of shit from this woman and still loved her for well… HER!

She knew about my illnesses before we got together and chose to accept to just to use it against me in Past arguments …

Used it to make me feel shit…

Anyway that’s enough for today reliving this really hurts me ….