Hey [removed], the names [removed], or [removed] for short. I done peeped thru your photos, and i gotta say lil mama, you a dime. I see you’re from Sacramento, and that’s where I’m from, so I’m gonna put my sac in your mento the next time we see each other…So, I know you wanna hit me up, so my digits are [removed]. I gotz hellza cakes and i know u do too shawty lets play some world of warcraft in bed yadada im a high level with a big mining tool and i know you got a tight lil mine for me to get all yo goldz from yadada. Or we could just minecraft it and i be the monsta attackin you yadada? I’m a vegetarian, if that matters, but I can adjust my dietary preferences to VAG-itarian if you know what I mean. I’m a little constipated right now, but that shouldn’t be a problem, as the doctor has prescribed me a medicine to flush my bowels. I suggest you get anal cleansing too, to better our relations. Please wash out all fecal matter. I love you.

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+3 for totally inconsistent style – clearly this man is literate and knows how to punctuate, capitalize and spell out words, but appears to intentionally choose not to in order to sound totally awesome.

+5 for the fact that the screen shot image of the message shows it was sent by a middle-aged white man who appears to be entirely bald on top, but has grown his lower-head-hair (which starts about at his ears) down to his shoulders.

+20 for “I’m gonna put my sac in your mento.”

+8 for following the term “VAG-itarian” with “if you know what I mean." ("Hmm, I don’t know what you mean." "It means I eat vagina." "OH!”)

+2 for teaching the old-ass proprietor of this blog the term “yadada,” which she had never heard before (note to other Olds: According to Urban Dictionary, it is Bay Area slang for “know what I’m sayin?”)

“I love you." +6.

TOTAL POINTS: 44.