BETHESDA, MD—Following the former Trump administration national security advisor receiving several warnings to tone down the use of violent rhetoric against other residents, John Bolton was reportedly asked Monday to leave a condo board meeting after repeatedly advocating bombing the Isaacsons. “Mr. Bolton, we must ask that you remove yourself until you can have a calm, rational discussion about the Isaacson family’s noise or over-use of common spaces without recommending double-tapping their unit with an MQ-9 Reaper drone,” said condo board president Marcia Lewis, adding that while she understood Bolton had recently lost his job and was spending more time at his residence, there was a formal process for lodging a complaint that didn’t include any options for the use of military force against the Isaacsons, nor for selling drones to a neighboring condo association that could act as a proxy. “We’ve done some research into your proposal, and we concluded that it would almost certainly kill the Isaacson family, including their three children, as well as cause mass casualties among the Portico’s other residents, which strikes us as a profound overreaction to Billy Isaacson hitting your car’s side mirror with his basketball the other day. And while we will look into your claim that the family is harboring pets, we have to remind you that owning a dog is not an act of aggression, Mr. Bolton. Furthermore, we have to ask you to tone down your attacks on the Sawyers, as hosting guests late, while annoying, is not a grave threat to national security. In the future, we really suggest you try sitting down with these families for a cup of coffee rather than continuing to call for an all-out aerial assault.” At press time, the condo board had issued Bolton a warning after learning that he had contacted a local demolition company in an effort to get them to knock down the condo building.

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