We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are not created equal, that some are endowed by their creator with certain transcendent and incomprehensible martial powers and that, among their number is General James N. Mattis, Chaos Actual, and the current physical incarnation Anhur, Ares, Mars, and Odin.

That, whenever any such man so presents himself before our Commander in Chief, we properly recognize his fidelity and abilities by adopting such titles as properly demonstrate deference to his station.

We petition the Congress of the Unites States of America to replace the title of the Secretary of Defense with the title “God of War and Master of all He Surveys on the Battlefield and in Our Combined Armed Forces;” informally, “The God of War.”