Dhimmi literally means “protected person,” and the term was originally applied to non-Muslims who capitulated willingly to Islamic expansionism between 638 and 1683, and who lived in Muslim countries as craven second-class citizens. A bit like the French in World War Two.

But with the latest maniac squad gun massacre in Paris this week, it’s hard to argue that our Islamic overlords are looking out for our best interests. Which rather makes the cloying obsequiousness doled out by the BBC and the fetid excuse-making from the Guardian in the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attack a little tricky to understand, doesn’t it?

Anyway, if you’re wondering whether you’ve accidentally inherited some of the characteristics of the modern liberal dhimmi, with his inexplicable, pathetic grovelling before sociopathic killers, here’s Breitbart’s handy guide to the top 12 signs you might be an unwitting sleeper agent of the New Caliphate.

1. You pronounce “Islam” as “Issslaaaaaaaaam”

A specialty of NPR and BBC presenters, this irritating habit presumably stems from a misplaced sense of reverence for the Religion of Peace. Or, you know, fear of being blown to bits. Either way, to help you spot it, you can hear both the standard pronunciation and the comically exaggerated Arabic-lite of our national broadcasters below.

2. You spell Mohammed as “Muhammad,” “Mohammad,” or “the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh),” and concomitant solecisms of pronunciation

You know that pretentious, prattish, excruciatingly irritating uncle who winters in South America every year and insists on earnestly intoning nee-car-ag-wah instead of just saying Nicaragua? Well, that’s what you sound like when you try and suck up to the Sunnis. Every Muslim I know cringes and giggles when they hear British TV presenters slipping into mock Islamic tones. Again, I’ve provided an audio guide below to help you navigate these difficult waters.

Here’s what a whole sentence about Islam sounds like as read by certain BBC presenters. (I’m only exaggerating slightly.)

3. You spell Koran as “Quran,” “Qur’an,” or, as per the BBC Religion website, “the Holy Book of Islam”

I know the parallels between Islamic fundamentalists and Klingons are remarkable — bellicosity, infighting, ferocious hairy women — but there’s no need to pepper your copy with so many apostrophes it looks like a parchment from the planet Qo’noS. In English, the word is “Koran.”

4. You’re conspicuously supportive of teetotallers

Ever been to one of those north London kitchen suppers where a brown-skinned guest says, “No thanks, I’m not drinking,” to nods and coos of approval from bien pensant Guardianistas? Of course you haven’t. But I have. And for all the host’s well-meaning, Hugh Grant-esque bumbling and the obligatory, cloying, “Sorry, of course you’re not,” it normally transpires that Aisha’s just up the duff. Please: stop embarrassing yourselves.

5. You’re ginger

I’m sorry, I really am. But I don’t make the rules. The fact is, white British converts to radical Islam are fifteen times more likely than the general population to have red hair. According to a detailed survey of news reports conducted by my colleague Jeremy Wilson, 76 per cent of white British converts to radical Islam are redheads. Amazing, when you consider they make up just five per cent of the population.

6. You’re “starting to get why women might choose to wear a burka”

No, you’re not. You’re falling for the same oppressive propaganda they are. The burka, like any form of culturally-prescribed cover-up for women, is a way of keeping the ball and chain in her place and the daughters out of trouble. Which is understandable; I mean, no one wants their little treasure pregnant at 16 and with a heroin addiction at 19, like those white trash infidels on council estates. But the burka is a vile, laughable anachronism that has no place in the modern world. So snap out of it.

7. You’re a “Queer for Palestine”

It’s tough to know where to begin with this one. Suffice it to say that if you’re a nancy boy marching in the streets for the “oppressed” people of Palestine, you need your frickin’ head tested. They don’t want your pity. In fact, 95 per cent of Palestinians consider homosexuality an unacceptable lifestyle choice. If they could stop chucking useless pipe bombs over the border with Israel for five minutes, their next move would probably be to hang you off a crane, like their mates in Iran.

8. You’ve been to a social event where men and women were kept apart and you were fine with it

Or even, if you’re a bloke, thought it was kind of cool. Yes, the thrilling homoeroticism of Islamic fundamentalism is obvious to anyone who has seen pictures of ululating losers preening about in tank tops with their guns out (and their AK47s), posing together on mountaintops before burning out churches and slaughtering their fellow Muslims. But gender segregation, really? The only place it’s okay these days is Downton Abbey.

9. You take great pains to explain to people the difference between Islam and Islamism

This is the ultimate get-out for Muslim communities who, instead of properly policing themselves and reporting the jihadis in their midst to local law enforcement, instead weakly wring their hands at the latest barbaric terrorist atrocity and occasionally offer up an imam to say, “Islam totally forbids violence,” to hoots of laughter and derision from anyone who’s ever been near a copy of the Koran. Well, sorry, but to most people the distinction isn’t at all clear, as evidenced by the total lack of anything remotely resembling an Islamic peace movement anywhere in the world.

10. You read some Rumi and you were, like, totally inspired by it

Let’s cut the crap. Muslims have thrown up a couple of nice mosques, but compared to the cultural riches of the west, Islam’s reputation for art and culture is questionable at best — and hysterically over-rated by western liberals. I’ll take Wagner, Bernini, Shakespeare, and Rembrandt over a troupe of whirling dervishes any day of the week.

11. You sometimes wake your significant other by unconsciously reciting the shahada in your sleep

All right, so, granted, this probably doesn’t happen often, unless you’re George Galloway, or the Guardian‘s Middle East editor Ian Black, but should you find your wife prodding you and asking, like Jessica Brody in Homeland, whether you’re about to trade in that tired Crockett & Jones belt for something more fashionably explosive, it might be time to rethink your subscription to the New Statesman.

12. You’re awed by the “purity” of Islam

Daft columnists — more often than not, needy women with hot Pakistani boyfriends — sometimes allude to the supposedly pure doctrines of Islam, citing the fact that the Koran is the final, unalterable, direct word of God (apparently God’s a plagiarist: tons of it is nicked from the Old Testament) and that Islam has survived almost unchanged since its birth, free from secular influence. In response to which I’d simply ask: and how has that worked out for the rest of us?

As Churchill put it: an appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

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