As everyone knows, Thomas the Tank Engine is the story of several straight white men who solemnly obey the every passing whim of a white, straight, male dictator in a crude reinforcement of the belief that the working class should know its place. It is outmoded and outdated, and it teaches children nothing but dangerous stereotypes about the world.

Thankfully Mattel, the company that now owns Thomas, has decided to do something about this. A forthcoming straight-to-DVD movie, The Great Race, promises to introduce a host of new friends who will forcefully inject a little more diversity into the Cumbrian island of Sodor. Many of the new characters will come from emerging global markets such as China and Brazil. Four of them are even female. Together, they will travel to Sodor to take part in an Olympic-style test of international ability.

This is a noble endeavour on Mattel’s part. However, the move is still bound to cause offence somewhere, so let’s do everyone a favour and try to pre-empt all the angry thinkpieces now.

So far, Thomas’s new friends include:

Vinnie (Canada)

Vinnie has a “tough demeanour and competitive drive that often gets the better of him”.

Thinkpiece: “Why Vinnie the Engine has no place in Trudeau’s liberal Canada.”

Yong Bao (China)

Photograph: Universal

Yong Bao is based on a Chinese Railways RM class 4-6-2 Pacific, built between 1958 and 1966.

Thinkpiece: “Baby boomers ruined everything, and now they’re ruining Thomas.”

Frieda (Germany)

“With her sleek blue paint, she is often mistaken for Gordon.”

Thinkpiece: “Gender identity should not be a locomotive punchline.”

Raul (Brazil)



Photograph: Universal

Raul is based on a train manufactured by Sentinel in 1931, built for a 5ft 3in gauge. However, to fit on Sodor’s lines, Raul has been adapted to standard gauge.

Thinkpiece: “Why must immigrants painfully subsume their identity to appease their hosts?”

Ivan (Russia)

No details yet exist for Ivan.

Thinkpiece: “Another Putin stooge infiltrates your childhood.”

Axel (Belgium)

Similarly, Mattel hasn’t released any details about Axel.

Thinkpiece: Either “I am Flemish and Walloon Axel doesn’t speak for me,” or “I am a Walloon and Flemish Axel doesn’t speak for me.”

Ashima (India)

Ashima and Thomas. Photograph: Universal

Ashima’s “outer beauty resonates on the inside as well.”

Thinkpiece: “Why must I expose my children to all these sexy trains?”

Carlos (Mexico)

Carlos literally has a monobrow.

Thinkpiece: “Does Donald Trump design toys now?”