The Coronavirus Put Me, a Bioweapons Engineer Hired by Mitch McConnell, out of Work

Politicians are arguing over how best to implement a stimulus package and all I can think about is how much I’d like to be back at work in the lab right now. Unemployment means more than just losing money. It’s losing familiarity with daily life as we know it. Like many of you, I lost my job because of COVID-19. Well, more specifically I lost my job to COVID-19. I make bioweapons for a living and the sad truth is, this disease is making people like me non-essential.

We were so close to a breakthrough and I can’t help but think that if we’d made a little more progress, McConnell wouldn’t have let all of us go. He said that COVID-19 is “more efficient at decimating impoverished groups” than we will ever be, so I get it. Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free, right? But still, it stings knowing how quick he was to tell us to hit the bricks. He didn’t even give us a chance to prove that we could be better at killing people. Well the jokes on him because I’ve been in my home lab whipping up what I’m calling COVID-20. Granted it’s less of a bio-weapon and more of a SoundCloud rap dis track about McConnell, but either way COVID-20’s gonna take over the world too.

Hopefully they’ll find a vaccine soon so I can get back to working on something with a mortality rate of at LEAST ten percent (excluding people who own at least three houses, of course). But for now, all we can do is look on the bright side. Trump’s probably going to get elected again and if Biden wins I can probably spin my resume into something liberals will find impressive. Hell, I’m sure the DNC will be down to get in on the ground level for some bi-partisan genocide. Based on these past two elections, I’d say the DNC cares about the people of this country as little as I do. At least we have that silver lining.