One one-liner a day keeps the doctor away…so, here is a shortlist of the best one-liners you can find on the internet today. Have fun!

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

13. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

16. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

26. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

27. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

29. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

30. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

31. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

32. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

33. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

35. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

37. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

39. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

40. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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41. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

42. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

44. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

52. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

53. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

54. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

55. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

57. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

58. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

59. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

62. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

68. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

69. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

74. When in doubt, mumble.

75. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

77. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

78. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

79. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

80. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

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82. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

83. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

84. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

85. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

86. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

87. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

88. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

89. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

90. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

91. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

92. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

93. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

94. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

95. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

97. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

98. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

100. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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102. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

103. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

104. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

105. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

108. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

109. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

110. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

111. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.

113. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

114. George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.

115. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

116. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

119. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

120. Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

121. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

123. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

124. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

125. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

126. By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

127. Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

128. If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”

129. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

130. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

131. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

132. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

134. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

135. Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

137. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

138. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

139. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

140. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

141. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

142. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.

143. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

144. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

147. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

148. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

149. Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce him.

150. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

151. Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

152. Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

153. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

154. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

155. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

156. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

157. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

158. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

159. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.

161. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

162. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

164. There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

165. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

166. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

167. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

169. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

170. Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”.

171. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.

172. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

173. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

174. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

175. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

176. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

177. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

178. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

179. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

180. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

181. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

183. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

184. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

185. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

186. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

187. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

188. I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.

189. Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’

190. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

191. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

192. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

193. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

194. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

195. There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

196. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

197. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

199. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

200. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

201. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

202. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon.

203. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

204. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

205. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

206. No one is listening until you fart.

207. Only dead fish go with the flow.

208. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

209. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

210. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

211. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

213. Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

214. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

215. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

216. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

217. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

219. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

220. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

222. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

223. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

224. If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.

225. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

226. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

227. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

228. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store is free yet?

229. There are no winners in life…only survivors.

230. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

240. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

241. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

242. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

243. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

244. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

245. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

246. We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.

247. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

248. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

249. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

250. If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

251. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it

256. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

257. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

258. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

259. I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

260. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

261. My drinking team has a bowling problem.

262. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

263. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

264. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

265. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

266. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

269. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

270. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

271. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

272. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

274. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

275. Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

276. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

277. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”

278. Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

279. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

281. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

282. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

283. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

285. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

286. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

287. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

288. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

289. Constipated people don’t give a crap.

290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

291. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

292. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

293. If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

294. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

295. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

296. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

298. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

299. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

300. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

301. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

302. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

304. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

305. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

306. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

307. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

308. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

309. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

310. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

311. Strangers have the best candy.

312. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

314. Trust but verify.

315. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

316. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

317. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

320. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

321. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

322. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

323. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

324. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

325. Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

326. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

327. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

328. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

329. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

330. I think, therefore I’m single.

332. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

333. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

334. I bet you I could stop gambling.

335. The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

336. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

337. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

338. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

340. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

341. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

342. 668 – The neighbour of the beast.

343. I love oral sex…it’s the phone bill I hate.

345. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

346. I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

348. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.

349. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

350. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

351. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

352. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

353. Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

354. With a calendar, your days are numbered.

355. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

356. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

357. It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.

358. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

359. If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.

360. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

361. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

362. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

363. A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

364. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

365. Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

366. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

367. If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

368. Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

369. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

370. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

371. Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.

372. If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger …

373. Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

374. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

375. If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

Update 04-2018: This article was written way back in 2009. There were some pretty egregiously sexist and offensive lines in this list we decided to remove after being pointed out by a reader on Twitter. It still contains some pretty bad jokes, but if you feel we missed any hurtful, offensive, or otherwise objectionable content, please reach out to me ([email protected]) or anyone on our staff.

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