Does this headline sound hyperbolic to you? It’s no exaggeration, I promise.

Progressive political elites have decided that in order to save the environment, ordinary citizens must submit to radical lifestyle changes (while those same elites fly around the world on private jets and enrich themselves from trade with China, the world’s biggest polluter).

The reality may even be worse than the headline. Not only have progressive environmentalists suggested that we all switch to a diet of bugs instead of meat (especially steak, because cow farts produce carbon dontcha know), one Swedish scientist even suggested we devour the flesh of deceased humans to cut greenhouse emissions.

This followed an article published by Newsweek in which two psychologists mused on the human taboo against cannibalism, noting that “philosophers have argued that burying the dead could be wasteful in the context of the fight against world hunger.”

Cannibalism for the climate — that’s how far they’ve gone!

Population control is another solution embraced by geniuses on the left. This dystopian idea attracted attention recently after Bernie Sanders brought it up at the last Democrat presidential debate, saying people need to be educated on the “need to curb population growth.”

But Sanders was merely popularizing an idea that’s long been the dream of progressive environmentalists. A 2009 study estimated that every human child will produce, on average, 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide. As such, climate scientists were agitating for global population control long before Bernie made his comments.

Looks like China, despite its pollution, does have something to offer the environmental movement — the one-child policy!

Absent from Bernie’s argument in favor of curbing the population was an acknowledgment of what it’ll do to the economy and public services, two things that the socialist senator allegedly cares about. An aging populace with fewer young people producing tax revenue means a crisis for public services and a shrinking economy. Of course, progressives believe in opening the west’s borders to admit millions of working-age people from foreign countries, so maybe that’s their solution.

Don’t forget that we all have to stop driving if we want to save the climate, which means we all have to pack ourselves into dense, unaffordable cities instead of living in the suburbs. As left-wing environmentalists remind us, “suburban sprawl” also “contributes significantly to deforestation.”

But are there enough affordable homes in the cities?

Well, that depends on how you define “a home.” Is a recycled sewer pipe a home? The OPod Tube House is the latest “solution” imagined for young people who can’t afford a real house or apartment in the city. These “homes” are constructed from recycled industrial piping, and are designed to be stacked on top of each other.

If that isn’t enough of a dystopian cyberpunk nightmare for you, consider “parasite pods” — small homes designed to be attached to larger structures like skyscrapers and bridges. They’re “parasitic” — and we must credit the architectural students who came up with the concept for their refreshingly honest choice of name — because they cling to larger structures. Are you ready to be a parasite, for the environment?

Fried insects for lunch, in your parasite pod, single-occupancy of course. Cycle everywhere, unless you want to face crippling carbon taxes. Drink your iced latte with a paper straw, don’t have kids, and when you die, remember to donate your human flesh to a local restaurant.

Meanwhile, our ruling class continues to fly to climate change summits on private jets, own multiple CO2-emitting homes, and advocate for unrestricted trade with pollution world champ China. Do globalist progressive elites really not know why so many ordinary people hate them?

Are you an insider at Google, Facebook, Twitter or any other tech company who wants to confidentially reveal wrongdoing or political bias at your company? Reach out to Allum Bokhari at his secure email address allumbokhari@protonmail.com.

Allum Bokhari is the senior technology correspondent at Breitbart News.