"Say what you mean, so you can find out what you mean. Act out what you say, so you can find out what happens. Then pay attention. Note your errors. Articulate them. Strive to correct them. That is how you discover meaning in your life and protect yourself from tragedy. How could it be otherwise?" — Dr Jordan B Peterson

I read Dr Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos earlier this year, and also came across this nice summary of the self-help book: https://www.nateliason.com/notes/12-rules-for-life-jordan-peterson. Regardless of how great his book is, I’m sure there are many out there who are happy to ignore his book because of… “reasons”. I guess politics is too personal for some.

Here’s my alternative: 5 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Order. I’ve named it so in response to Bronnie Ware’s The Top Five Regrets of the Dying — A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. According to Bronnie, a one-time palliative carer, the five most common regrets shared by people nearing death were:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

It is clear that an antidote to order is needed in these cases. Like everybody else in this world, I’ve experienced challenges in my life, and until recently, I was mentally unwell for a number of years. I’ve recovered fully, and have learnt a lot, just like previous challenging periods of my life. That, and my recent rebrush with The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, now obliges me to detail my alternative: 5 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Order.

Rule 1: Have the courage to live a life true to yourself, not the life others expect of you

No one likes a fake, even those who can’t handle those who are true to themselves in seemingly confronting ways, eg in my ‘confronting’ case, being transgender. The reality is that such people who find such trueness confronting are those who pick and choose which fakeness they like or don’t like, ie they have a certain expectation of your life whether they realise it or not. Don’t waste your time on hypocrisy if they don’t bother trying to open their minds. As American women’s rights activist Susan Anthony said, “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”

Rule 2: Have the courage to express your feelings

Having the courage to live a life true to yourself, and having the courage to express your feelings go hand-in-hand. Expressing your feelings is being true to yourself, besides being honest and feeling a sense of relief, and will help you understand your world better, and help others understand you better. Or maybe not, but as above, better to figure out who the hypocrites and cowards are sooner rather than later so you don’t waste any further oxygen on them.

Rule 3: Stay in touch with family and friends

There are different levels of family and friendship, including intimate, close, and casual. Stay in touch with family and friends of all levels, and devote your time proportionally depending on the level. Reassign levels as appropriate, but don’t lose touch, because by losing touch, you dig yourself a loneliness hole, and that’s not a good hole to dig for yourself.

Rule 4: Let your life be meaningful

I don’t understand what it means to let myself be happier. As Dr Peterson has argued, happiness is a temporary feeling, like all other feelings. If happiness comes and goes, what does ‘be happy’ even mean? ‘Be happy’ is a trap that can lead to nihilism, and that won’t end well. So I’m going to have to disagree with Bronnie here, and draw the logical conclusion that one should let their life be meaningful.

Life gives you (and everyone else) bad circumstances. Some people get good circumstances, others mostly get really bad circumstances. Regardless, you can overcome those bad circumstances by making good choices. And only you can make those choices in order to let your life be meaningful. So make those choices, no matter how hard. Other people may seem to have it easier. They probably don’t, because you don’t understand what their circumstances are. And you likely never will, just as they won’t understand your circumstances. The world we live in is complex, and people in it are complex, so be careful in thinking you understand our world and people.

It is for these reasons that I detest victimhood mentality, trigger warnings, safe spaces, and talks of First World problems like microaggressions. I was recently asked, “As a transwoman, aren’t you sick and tired of your womanhood being a constant topic of debate?” I simply responded, “I don’t seek validation from others.” Seek validation from within. Don’t wait for others to tell you that you’re enough. Your logic, not your emotions, should rule your world. If your logic makes sense to you, then that’s enough for you to plan your attack on life’s bad circumstances.

Be a victor, be your own shield, stand on your own two feet, and stay focused on the things that really matter. If in doubt, consult a cognitive behavioural therapist. The meaning of life is to struggle. So struggle to victory, the sweetest victory of them all. To struggle is to live for the eternity line, not for the life dot. We’re not the sum of our desires.

Rule 5: If you’re going to work so hard (for your passion), meet Rules 1–4 first

Follow Rules 1–4 first in order to get your life in order — back to basics, because basics come first. Once you’ve got your house in order, work hard, preferrably for your passion. Once you satisfy all 5 Rules For Life, you just might hit Maslow’s self-actualisation! Life is brutiful, but we can control our character.