How To Fuck A Chicken Okay, the first thing we've got to get straight here (besides your dick, you can get it up for a chicken, can't you?) is that you need to somehow acquire a chicken of the correct gender and condition. It has to be a hen, you know, female. A rooster (boy chicken) will not do, so forget it fag! Neither will a pullet (teenage girl chicken) do it for you. No, it has to be a mature female chicken that lays eggs! Nothing else will do the trick you pervert. Now, chickens are monotremes. No, that's not contagious. A monotreme is an animal with only one sewer pipe. That's right, a chicken only has one hole down there for your pleasure. The reason you need an egg-laying hen is that she is accustomed to opening up that hole every day to squeeze out an egg that is approximately the same diameter as the average dick. That might be too big of a hole for some of you pencil puds, but read on.

Presuming that you have obtained a proper object of affection, the next subject of discussion is one that you will really like: bondage. You need to carefully and securely tie up the chicken's wings and feet, especially the feet. First tie the wings together at their bases, as tight as you can get them, then wrap the whole thing in duct tape. You in a band? You always have duct tape if you're in a band. Or is it duck tape? Does anyone out there plow ducks? Don't tell me, just send pictures. Anyway, after tying the wings securely, tie the feet strongly together leaving plenty of extra cord. Bring the chicken's feet forward to the head, then take a wrap of the cords around the base of the neck and then tie them together wrapped around the base of the wings. Lastly, wrap the feet thoroughly with duct tape. Why all this bondage and tapeage? Besides the fun of it, it's necessary to keep your balls and tender inner thighs from getting ripped to shreds. Those are claws on the ends of that chicken's feet and she's not going to like it very much if you rape her. The tied wings keep them from flapping and beating the hell out of you (like you deserve), besides they make a convenient handle.

You are now ready to fuck your first chicken. All you need now is a hard-on and some lubricunt (sic). I can't help you with the hard-on, give yourself a hand. As for the lubricunt, Your hen doesn't think you are Billy (admiring the mirror) Idol or even Evan (Mr. Sensitivity) Dando. She ain't gonna get wet for you, dude. Smear lots of Vaseline on your pecker, lube the chicken chute and push. You got the whole thing in? Damn, you got a short little pud! Chickens aren't very deep. If you were a real man, you'd have barely more than the head in. But then, if you were a real man, you wouldn't be raping chickens now would you?

Your grip should be one hand around the base of the chicken's neck, the other holding the tied-together wings. Short strokes or you'll pop out. Oh yeah, you're only capable of short strokes, I forgot.

Now cums the fun (and really brutal) part. You've got to time this just right: when you are there and you're almost ready to shoot, use your non-wings hand to break the chicken's neck. As she dies she will convulse and undergo muscular spasms. Some of these spasms will be contractions around your dick and if you time it exactly right they will occur as you cum.

I believe it was that old fag Oscar Wilde who said "You always kill the thing you love." In this case, you can not only kill but also pluck, eviscerate and devour the thing you love. Most of you are such lame urbanites that you wouldn't have the necessary skills to butcher a dead lover. Jeffery Dahmer is dead, so he isn't able to advise you. Just throw her in the garbage you wasteful twerp. Maybe it would be a good idea to carefully conceal her in a garbage bag or something, the neighbors might talk.

You have now fucked your first chicken. Don't you feel really good about yourself now, Chicken Boy?

Stay tuned. Next time we'll discuss how to fuck a sheep, what size boots to wear, etc. As they say in New Zealand: don't forget to wear your Wellies!