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Oh yes. Those Texas Republicans are outraged at the idea that global warming could be responsible for the devastating floods experienced by their state, which have forced them to sell their immortal souls as they go begging to federal dollars.

The good news is that it is not global warming that is to blame! It is witchcraft and sodomy! Yay!

(Ironically, this post was delayed because of those floods – did God not want this story to see the light of day? If so, he failed in the face of technology)

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“Rebecca in College Station, Texas” shared this theory with Bryan Fischer the other day during his radio show. She said that “the places that are underwater [are] are overrun with witchcraft and sodomy. If you go into those areas, you can just see it.”

Houston, she complains, “has a whole area that is like Sodom and Gomorrah.” Houston, she says, even has a “sodomite mayor”!

Right then! Enough of that! After all, God smote Texas with wildfires a few years back. Why not a little flooding?

Well, there is the little issue that in Genesis 9:11 God said, “I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.”

But I suppose it could be argued that God didn’t promise to not to destroy Texas by flooding.

Loophole? Rebecca seems to think so:

“If God is judging Texas, it’s because of the witchcraft and sodomy that we’ve allowed to run rampant,” Rebecca opined.

Fischer, always quick to agree to anything that doesn’t make sense in favor of the science right in front of his nose, said,

If you’re going to attribute the flooding in Texas to some kind of supernatural cause, you can make a geographical connection between the flooding and the practice of the occult and witchcraft and the embrace of homosexuality. That’s where the disaster is being felt the worse.

What, do these people have access to some kind of sodomite map that shows where sodomites live? Is there some kind of NSA sodomite satellite filter? And witches? Do the holy walk the streets sniffing for incense in the wind, trail the scent to houses and mark them with little crosses to be counted by the holy accountants?

This is not far-fetched. There was a pastor a few years ago who wanted to start a national registry of atheists, to keep track of those nasty little buggers. You know, instead of tracking little Duggars:

Now , many (especially the atheists ) , may ask “Why do this , what’s the purpose ?” Duhhh , Mr. Atheist , for the same purpose many States put the names and photos of convicted sex offenders and other ex-felons on the I-Net – to INFORM the public ! I mean , in the City of Miramar , Florida , where I live , the population is approx. 109,000 . My family and I would sure like to know how many of those 109,000 are ADMITTED atheists !

Don’t pause to think though (last thing that’s going to happen here), because Fischer then showed his continued ignorance of his own Bible as he said of Sodom and Gomorrah,

[God] just wiped out those two cities where homosexuality had been embraced [so] if you’re going to make a case that there is some supernatural origin to this natural disaster, that would probably be the place to look.

If you actually READ the Bible, unlike Fischer and probably Rebecca, you will find that the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah were not Sodomy and Gomorrahry but, according to Ezekiel the cities were destroyed apparently because of rampant Republicanism:

This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her sisters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but they did not aid the poor and needy. They were haughty, and did abominable things before me. (Ezekiel 16:49-50).

Now sure, Genesis 19 relates a story where a couple of visiting angels disguised as men are besieged in Lot’s house by “the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man,” who wanted to get to “know” the strangers.

The interesting part is that Christian sites like GotQuestions? relay the story as evidence that god hates homosexuality. Sure, GotQuestions? mentions the lack of hospitality from Ezekiel’s account, but they point out, helpfully, “There is probably nothing more inhospitable than homosexual gang rape.”

Well, okay look, so Sodom and Gomorrah were worse than New Jersey. “Welcome to New Jersey – Now Go Home” is certainly less unfriendly than “Welcome to Sodom – Now Assume the Position” but aren’t you a little offended by the suggestion that homosexual gang rape is somehow worse than heterosexual gang rape?

I mean, isn’t rape just plain bad in and of itself?

Well, apparently, in both Jewish and Christian eyes, Surprise Butt Sex should be limited to women.

In this regard, GotQuestions? curiously fails to mention the unhappy fact that Lot offered the rapists his two virgin daughters for their pleasure in place of the two strangers:

“Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and you can do to them as you please.”

Now THAT is family values!

I don’t know how people can read the Bible and not cringe and flee for the hills. I’m sure my Viking ancestors engaged in some promiscuous surprise butt sex of their own, but it wasn’t codified, for crying out loud.

Look, all this talk of inhospitality has got me thinking, and I’ve come up with a solution:

The secret is apparently for witches and sodomites to spread out over the general population and mingle, so that no single city can be targeted as a modern-day Sodom. Rebecca’s own conservative haven, nestled in an abortion-free valley, passed God’s judgment and she was high and dry.

A witch moving there would be safe then, unless God wants to kill people like Rebecca to get to the witch.

After all, God did tell Abraham that if even 10 righteous could be found in Sodom, that he would not destroy the city with his divine wrathiness (Genesis 18:32). Now we don’t know how many people there were in Sodom, but many ancient cities were very small, a few thousand at most.

You could easily have a city then that was almost entirely filled with witches and Sodomites and God would not smite it, which I think seems to disprove Rebecca’s thesis.

The beauty of my thought processes here is that they are entirely biblical. You could even argue that the place that ought to have been flooded out was Rebecca’s inhospitable valley.

Here’s the thing: If Sodom had 5,000 people, then 10 people is only .002 percent of the population.

Thus, an area could be 99 percent given over to sodomy and witchcraft and still safe. We can safely conclude then that the floods are not caused by sin, but by global warming.

I think I’ve done my work here today. Texas, you can thank me later. My bill will be in the mail.