Sorry for the late post. I was in line with every other guy in the history of this show to talk to Jade. What is it with Jade anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan, but they way those guys tripped over themselves to talk to her was very telling. Yeah she’s cute, has an awesome body, her plastic surgeon did a great job, and she’s posed for playboy, but there have been quite a few girls on before that has done everything except for that last bit. It must be her demeanor. She’s kind of shy and almost seems attainable to the average guy. Jade is somehow the prettiest girl in the room and yet you think you have a chance with her. It’s really an impressive feat that I’m sure is a blessing and a curse. At least a couple of the guys realized it’s a numbers game and showing any other girl a little attention is a guaranteed rose.



So we’re back in Mexico. The beaches were apparently not saturated enough with American STD’s so let’s spread some more love. I’ll spare you the rundown on the cast. They’ll rotate anyway and can become indistinguishable. Shout out to Jillian though and her new boobies. We even got to see some of her doctors visit as she traded in her upper body made for speed and opted for even more power. You think Chris Harrison and bachelor production flipped the bill for those? This way they don’t have to deplete the graphics department budget by showing her ass and the black box but can instead focus on her rack and new tots.

Our bachelors and bachelorette’s slowly arrive to the meet and great at a beach side bar to start sizing each other up and seeing who they want to sex. Crazy ass Ashley I decides to bring her sister and pimp her out because, well, there are no rules to this show anymore. Ashley’s sister is nothing more than a slutty younger version of herself. This of course catches Mikey T’s eye. Much like a baboon hitting his chest and screaming loudly Mikey T rips off his shirt like it’s on fire to impress young Ashley jr. She takes the bait and they head out into the ocean. While in the ocean they see this this giant rock and something sitting on top of it. We can’t quite make it out but after zooming in it looks like it’s some sort of princess that is stranded:

Ronnie from jersey shore Mikey T has never seen any mermaids in joisey before.

And let’s not forgot the extremely quotable Ashley S. She says about two words to Chris Harrison before being distracted by a cage of birds. This is actually more normal than when we saw her on her season. Kirk worries that Ashley may have trouble trying to conversate. Conversate…..

So after our desperate singles have had a chance to introduce themselves to each other why not make them sit through a wedding. Last year after knowing each other for a couple of weeks and laying around on a beach Marcus decided to propose to Lacy. It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of Lacey’s rack so here is one last picture of her spilling out of her wedding dress:

Chris Harrison performed the ceremony. He said something about by the power invested in me by this remote resort in coastal Mexico, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Lacy thinks there is an 80/40 chance that someone else finds love on this season.

https://instagram.com/p/raRSmwm3BJ/

Our cast is starting to mingle a little and Ashley’s sister has some attitude. For whatever reason she hates everyone there and thinks she’s made a mistake by coming and starts crying. I feel like their father has never said no to either of these girls. Carly gets on Kirk. It gets really awkward before she goes in for a kiss and starts the get “wifed up” phrase. Ashley practices asking Jared out with her sister. It’s like one of those awkward scenes in which the person tries leaving a voicemail keeps doing it over and over because they didn’t like it:

That’s kind of how this went.

Ashley likes to think of herself as princess Jasmine so of course Jared is her Aladdin. If only there was some sort of genie there to grant her a date card to use on Aladdin:

Not sure how Ashley S made it in there.

They end up riding some 4 wheeler thing through the jungle instead of a magic carpet. Genie is a little broke.

Now our attention turns to Jade. Every off season in a particular sport free agency begins. You sort of wait to see where the best player goes and for how much. They set the bar for highest paid and everyone else falls in line. The other teams pick up those of lesser value and try to act like that was who they wanted all along. Jade is the number 1 free agent. Once she is gone, things will settle down and the guys will act like that was their number one target all along. The person with the deepest pockets is Tanner because he got the blank check that is the date card. Naturally he asks Jade to join him at the little Mexican restaurant Casa Bonita. They laugh and make googly eyes and go for a swim. Tanner jokes that he was in play girl to try and break the ice with Jade’s modeling career. It’s a good thing he didn’t say better homes and gardens because she might actually believe him. His name is Tanner. Anyway, Jade is now considered “wifed up”.

I feel like anytime someone goes in a squad to the hospital on one of these things it deserves an entire paragraph. When you hear that it was Ashley S you just kind of nod your head and move on.

To break this up a little let’s play a song that no doubt gets stuck in your head anytime you see a commercial:

Everyone is starting to settle in so what better time to bring in some new/old blood. Enter blog favorite, Clare. Clare has 3 guys in mind but they are all wifed up. That leaves Mikey T. They do weird sexual yoga stuff. She drops several hints that she only took him because he was the only one left. For some reason Mikey T takes those hints as progress.

We are getting close to rose time and JJ basically says the first girl to give him a blow job gets his rose. Tenley comes closest by actually kissing him and locks it down. I think we all know that he was imagining Clint running on that beach in slow motion with his shirt off coming to save him:

I’ll be there for you

Ashley I is nervous about what Jared is going to do and says she is going to “claim her stake”. Maybe these people should stay away from commonly used phrases.

So after Jared gives his rose and JJ rewards Tenley for whoring out for his, that leaves Jillian on the outside looking in. She is super disappointed that she got about 10 mins of airtime and spent about $10K in body mods. Don’t worry Jillian, I’ll watch your porn when you get desperate enough.

I didn’t watch the after show because I was busy doing other shit and writing this. I’ll try to make that part of the weekly routine but 3 hours a week is a lot. No promises.

To poor Jillian:

See you next week

- Nick