Dr. Kwame M. Brown doesn’t want his daughter to believe that her worth is determined primarily by how physically attractive she is; he wants her to think about her joy, effort, and contribution to the world.

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I don’t like people calling my daughter “a little princess”. I also do not like it when people inundate her with product advertisements, presents, and compliments all hell bent on getting her to think of herself as “princess” or “diva”. This sentiment garners a variety of responses. Some say, “right on”. Some say, “You jive turkey”. Just kidding, no one calls me a jive turkey. It was just too tempting to continue the 1970s motif.

I will be using the term princess as a sounding board of sorts here, but make no mistake. This is much deeper than the word princess or the color pink. This is about how we view our girls and their “value”.

I come to this issue from several different perspectives: as a fitness/wellness professional who has spent over 15 years finding ways to get boys and girls alike to be more physically active; as a developmental neuroscientist and psychology professor who has concerns about how environment affects brain development; as the husband of a dynamic and beautiful woman, and as the father of an amazing little girl.

Let’s first break down what about this princess thing truly bothers me, because there are three parts to it.

First: There is the obvious complaint that just because she’s a girl, people think she must be a princess. Do we really have to pick which archetype each child will live for the rest of their lives?

Second: The history of the whole princess thing disturbs me. The damsel waiting to be picked or rescued is certainly not what I want my daughter to identify with. Now, as I say that, there are a lot of princesses that we see on the big and small screen now that do their own rescuing, and take charge. This is certainly an improvement. But there is another problem…

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Third: This is something important to me and my family. This would apply to any son of mine as well: “We’ll never be royals. It don’t run in our blood. That kind of luxe just ain’t for us.” ~ Lorde, singer. We want our child to think of herself as connected to everyone, not worshipped. We want her to think about her joy, effort, and contribution to the world.

“So, obviously you’re a tool, or just boring. You won’t even let your daughter play dress up and pretend she is a princess?”

I didn’t say that, dammit. People always think, with those of us that are wary of the “princessing” of our daughters, that we are uptight and restrictive. I am all for her pretending to be a princess if she so chooses. Hell, Daddy will pretend to be a princess. I tell kids I’m a princess all the time (seriously, I do). But I hope that this is one of many things we choose to pretend to be. I don’t want her to think that this is what she MUST pretend to be. Get it?

When we tell girls that they “are” princesses, because they are daughters, it just feeds right into everything else they hear about themselves. They are told by media, strangers, and later, peers that their real value is determined by how pretty they are. And yes, I am extra concerned because my daughter happens to be very pretty. She is her mother’s child, so she can’t help it. If my wife is reading this right now: It’s just a fact baby, I had to say it.

I wouldn’t want my daughter to believe that her worth is determined primarily by how physically attractive she is. I want her to recognize her beauty, and be comfortable with it, not ruled by it. Again, I would want the same thing for any son I have. I remember asking my father when I was around 14 if I was good looking. I was very concerned about this at that age. His response was: “Of course you are. You’re my son. Now would you like to talk about something important?” He was trying to get me to see that there were other things about me that were really who I was, not just my face.

So, I am not yelling at people. I am asking for your help. Please continue to be aware that when you call my little girl “Daddy’s princess”, that her Daddy does not call her that. Please realize that you are like, the grillionth person to say it. And while her femaleness and her prettiness may be the first things you notice, please don’t make them the last things you notice. Please notice how funny she is, and how kind, and how curious she is. Please notice how strong she is, and how she loves to climb on stuff.

What we do and say around kids shapes their brains and bodies. This is undeniable. Obviously, environment is not the only determinant. Each child is also born with their own set of characteristics that interact with the environmental influence. But environment is nonetheless incredibly influential. Let’s consider one glaring example. During an age when we have an issue with physical inactivity, teenage girls are the least active. Let’s talk about how African-American (which includes my daughter given her mixed heritage) and Latina girls are the worst off. I teach young African-American females every day as a college professor. When I ask them why they are not physically active, they tell me more often than not that they don’t want to look bad. This reason is often cited in the research on physical activity. My point is not to focus you on physical activity, but to show you the sheer power of the messages we send to our girls. You don’t think the whole “pretty princess” thing has an effect? It is precipitating a greater likelihood of disease, and preventing girls from enjoying the use of their own bodies…so that everyone else can enjoy their bodies instead.

This is not about my little girl doing “boy stuff” as some stereotyped rebellion. That’s just as trite as the princess thing, because it still restricts her to a two dimensional identity. It is about her doing what should be kid stuff, and human stuff, in the first place. We are not archetypes, and we’ll never be royals. My little girl ain’t no princess. She is a human.

Here is a video of us playing. I’m doing what I’m told, but not because she is a princess. Honest.

Photo provided by the author.