In case you need another reason to hope he cancels tomorrow’s bonfire, here’s one more. If it happens, the news next week will be dominated by atrocities committed by barbarians; if it doesn’t happen, the news next week will be dominated by dopey navel-gazing media reflections on how gullible they’ve all been, which we’ll spend days gleefully mocking. The choice is clear.

I’m not kidding when I tell you that, in four-plus years of blogging here, this is one of the most comically pathetic stories I’ve posted. To set the stage, the church said earlier today that they wanted a promise from Feisal Rauf within two hours that the Ground Zero mosque would be moved. The two hours came and went with no promise, and then the church spokesmen came out and announced … nothing. They didn’t know their next move yet.

And it was then, my friends, that our tired, bedraggled, drama-starved press finally lost it.

“Are you just toying with us to get attention?” asked a sweaty woman in a suit, crouching near the hot grass to keep out of the shot of multiple cameras over her head… “Why did you give this two-hour window?” came a shout from another side of the scrum. “So will you say you’re going to burn a Koran anytime you want press coverage?” snapped a reporter with a German accent… “You’re just using us! We should all leave!” someone yelled from deep in the media pack. Silence – for a moment. “Yeah! Let’s all leave!” Jones’s response: “Fine, we’re not press hungry, go!” But no one moved, until Jones turned and shuffled back to the church.

They can’t quit now, baby, not when this story’s building to … something. It’d be like walking out of the circus before they bring out the bearded lady. All we know for sure at the moment: Nothing’s going to happen tomorrow. Oh, and we also know, according to Jones’s own daughter, that he “needs help.” So there you go. You’re now up to speed on The Biggest Story In The World.

In case you’re wondering what next week’s hysterical clusterfark will be, the AP has a sneak preview — and it involves atheists. Let the battle lines be drawn. Exit question: Which network has done the least to hype this moronic story over the past week? Guess.