Hello Didi Hello Small Talk

Well, let's cut to the chase. You've written a book about how much you loved your time in Liverpool. Share the love … Well it's all about the people. They're unique. They're witty, genuine and love their football clubs. There have been some fantastic changes made in the city too since the capital of culture.

So coming from Munich to Newcastle and then Liverpool wasn't a culture shock? The most important thing to me is that the people are warm and friendly. And it was like that in Newcastle and then at Liverpool and obviously it is people that you deal with so it is that that most matters to me, all day long.

Most people would buy a guide book to get to know a city. You decided to drink in Blue pubs didn't you? Well sometimes you'd get a bit of hassle when you'd drink in Red pubs. Only people coming over and wanting to have a chat. I didn't mind but I like some quiet time now and then and people didn't bother me so much in the Everton pubs so if I wanted a quiet drink and a read I'd just go in and relax a bit because I knew the fans from the other half of the city would be respectful.

So you wouldn't get drawn into debates about Tony Hibbert then? Oh no, no, no. You've got to respect Everton and Moysie's doing a great job.

Like Jan Molby before you, you very quickly became an adopted scouser didn't you? Yeah, you just pick the accent up really quickly and learn how hard it is to get a taxi in the city. I remember once I couldn't get a taxi home so I decided to lie down in front of a car to make it stop.

What? Like a human speed bump? It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds. I got up as soon as I heard it was getting close and offered the driver £50 for a lift home. He asked me where I wanted to go but I couldn't remember my new address. That made the Liverpool players I was out with see me as someone other than the stereotypical serious and organised German, I think.

It's a good job that car stopped or you may not have survived to be part of what happened in Istanbul. Most Liverpool fans credit the win to you being brought on for the second half. But having seen what Milan had done to Liverpool did you even fancy being a part of it at that stage? No. It's not the most pleasant thing to be brought on at 3-0 down but you know if you go on you've got nothing to lose. If you get beat 5-0 you know the game was lost in the first half anyway. I'd have rather come on at 0-0 or 1-0 down but that's how it was and after the way Milan played in the first half they deserved to be 3-0 up. All you can do is try your best, get a goal back and get a bit of fight in the team. But I don't think anybody expected the comeback after what they'd seen in the first half.

It was some comeback. And then it went to penalties and you took the first for Liverpool. Now, you seem like a laid-back person but even you must have been nervous? I was a bit tense more than nervous because the fact that Serginho missed the first one made it easier for me because if I missed it would still be 0-0, but I knew how important it was to score and get ahead for the first time on the night. So you just concentrate on what you know you have to do and hope the ball goes into the net.

Back to the stereotypes, I imagine being German helps too … I've missed a couple before, you know, so I'm definitely not the best German penalty taker.

Is it true – and Small Talk advises you to explain this question – that you celebrated Liverpool's Champions League win in a shower cubicle with the former Liverpool chairman David Moores? Yeah, that's right. He didn't want to give me a cigarette because I'd left mine in the hotel but eventually he obliged but we needed to go somewhere a bit more private.

So you were just stood opposite each other, inches apart, puffing away? Yeah, we were just stood in the shower shaking. He was shaking because his nerves were shot and I was shaking because I couldn't believe what had happened. It was a fantastic moment to share with him because he was such a loyal fan to the football club. It was a perfect ending to the perfect game.

Small Talk imagines you don't remember much about the next couple of days … We went back to Liverpool [for the homecoming parade] and had a party in the Sir Thomas hotel. I got my first proper bit of sleep on Friday, I think.

Did Rafa even let his hair down? I wouldn't know. I was with my friends and family but I imagine he afforded himself a couple of glasses of red. He's always a pretty controlled man so I wouldn't have thought he'd have gone too crazy.

One of the things Small Talk noticed about you on the football pitch was your ability to win free-kicks. Is that something you practised. Because you were bloody good at it … No, no, no, no, no. Obviously you've got to take advantage if players come steaming in, especially when the opposition is chasing the game, and you've got to go down and buy a free-kick and maybe run the clock down by half a minute or so and try to win the game. It's probably a bit more common in other countries than in England.

Those cheating foreigners, eh Didi. Anyway, how into tactics was Rafa? Didn't he once show you how to beat Barcelona with salt and pepper shakers? Yeah, when I went to see him in his house where I lived near him on the Wirral after I left Liverpool. He's thinking about football all the time. It's always great to talk to him about the game. He's very knowledgeable and he gets things right a lot more times than he gets things wrong. I can't speak highly enough of him. He's so very intelligent.

You've played under some decent managers haven't you: Franz Beckenbauer, Otto Rehhagel, Kenny Dalglish, Giovanni Trapattoni, Rafa Benítez, Sven-Goran Eriksson, Gérard Houllier, erm, Mark Hughes, erm Phil Thompson. Who was the best? It's hard to say because I was pretty successful with most of them. But probably Trapattoni because at a young stage in my professional career he helped me a great deal with countless hours on the training pitch. I mean, nothing was too much for him. And with Gérard Houllier, Sammy Lee, Thommo, Joe Corrigan. They were just a great team. And Rafa and Paco [Ayestarán] won the Champions League. I think the team behind the team is often more important than the manager because if you don't have good people around you it makes it very hard.

Trap doesn't half come out with some mad things now and then … Yeah, and it's always down to him not speaking the language very well. He would say some very powerful things if he could speak the language better, but nevertheless he was still an inspiration. I remember at Bayern when we'd lost a home game and we were in training and he was trying to tell us that we can't just go into the stadium and tell the fans we are sorry for it. We have to show balls. But he was looking for the word for cojones in German and couldn't think of it. So one of our south American players told him the word for fanny instead, mushi in German. So he was telling us "Yes, yes, we've got to go out there and show the fans that we have a fanny." And he kept saying it over and over again. We were trying not to laugh because it was a serious situation. We'd just lost a game two days before and he was angry. But eventually we burst out laughing and thankfully he joined in with us when he realised what he'd been saying.

You like a glass of wine now and then don't you Didi? Yeah, sure.

Is it true you thought you'd play better if you had a bottle or two in the week leading up to a match? Usually you weren't supposed to have a drink three days before a game so I'd have three or four glasses sometimes on nights in the week leading up to Wednesday and then I wouldn't have a drink at all. I always saw it as part of my preparation. I didn't want to get to Thursday and then look back on the week and think: 'Oh, I wish I'd had a glass of red!' So if I wanted it I'd have it. And I always did pretty well through my career doing things that way.

And did you always smoke too? It was probably something I did more in the later stages of my career. I smoked earlier on too but probably not as much.

So how many ciggies a day did you have when you were playing for Liverpool? About 10 a day, I think.

You must be one of the only Germans to like cricket. How did you get into that? Through watching the Ashes and by playing in a few charity matches. Ian Rush and Jan Molby play every year so they often used to ask me to come along when they were one short.

What's your highest score? Three. No, hang on. I played for the over-45s on the Wirral last year and I got about 12.

Ah, so as a ringer against the old fellas you can compete but not against the young ones. Have you ever bowled anyone out? No. I've never had a go at bowling.

Have you been invited back? No.

Never mind. You and Sven get on quite well don't you? He's a great man who involves everyone and just treats everyone like family. He creates a special atmosphere at his football clubs and I think that's why he's been in the game such a long time. I remember when I was at City we were out on a trip in Thailand and it'd already been decided he wouldn't be at City much longer. He knew it, we knew it, everybody knew it. And I was out by the pool relaxing when he brought two glasses of champagne out. He handed me one and I asked him: 'What are we celebrating, boss?' and he just turned to me and said: "Life Kaiser, we're celebrating life." That was Sven for you.

You must have met some characters through your career. Who was the craziest? Probably Dioufy [El Hadji Diouf]. He was just very flash, drove crazy cars and wore crazy clothes.

Was he crazier than Jamie Carragher's dad? Philly deserves to get a mention yeah. He was a character all right.

What are you listening to at the moment? Oh, I'm not big into music. I probably don't know half of the people who are singing when I'm listening to it. I reckon the last CD I bought was about 10 years ago.

Favourite film? Point Break.

Let's not bother discussing Keanu Reeves's acting ability. What would you put in Room 101? What?

You've been in Britain all this time and you don't know what Room 101 is? No.

Small Talk begins a long, drawn out explanation of Room 101 … So anything Didi? Ooh. Er. That's a difficult one. Can we come back to that one?

Erm, yeah. This might be easier. If you had to go out on a date wearing one of – and Small Talk is in no way stereotyping here – Jamie Carragher's tracksuits or lederhosen, what would it be? Oh lederhosen, definitely. I put them on every year when I go back to Munich for the beer festivals. I love them.

Bratwurst or a pan of scouse? I wasn't so keen on scouse when I had it, so definitely Bratwurst.

Cheese or chocolate? Cheese.

Nice bit of stilton? No, emmental for me.

Classy choice Didi. Who'd win a fight between a lion and a tiger? Erm. I think the lion. The tiger would be a bit quicker but the lion would be a bit stronger.

Is that how you looked at yourself in your career, not the quickest but ultimately successful? Yeah, I think most of it is about mentality and teamwork and everybody working for the team. I think most of the trophies I won in my career were down to team spirit and we'd often be playing against better teams but we stuck together and it got us through.

On the subject of your pace or lack of it, what's all this about you getting outrun by the Japanese police? Oh, I was injured after a bad tackle by Michael Essien and Liverpool were out at the World Club Championship in Japan. It was after the final [Liverpool had lost 1-0 to São Paulo] and I was with Jamie Carragher and some of his mates. I don't think all of them were his mates, though. As per usual for scousers anywhere in the world, none of them could get a taxi so they decided to run over the roof of the next one that came along to make it stop. The Japanese police don't mess around and were quickly over there. Everyone ran. I tried to. They'd have probably caught me anyway, but with my knee being bad they were quickly on me and took me in. [Didi was later released without charge after Tokyo's finest took a trainer imprint from the car and saw that it wasn't a match.] They were some naughty lads.

Indeed, anyway let's get back to the important stuff. Who'd win a fight between Jamie Carragher and Jamie Carragher's dad? Oh, Philly, definitely. All day long.

And have you got your head around the concept of Room 101 yet? Oh yeah. What do I want to bin? [Long pause as Didi's mind ticks over]. I don't want to get too deep.

Small Talk doesn't really do deep … [Said like he's had a eureka moment] Handshakes! Pre-match handshakes.

A certain Liverpool player seems to be of the same opinion Didi … I just think shaking hands should be for after the match not before it. In rugby they've got it right when the losing team applauds the winning team off the field. Yeah, I'd get rid of pre-match handshakes.

And before you go can you tell us a joke? I don't find jokes funny.

Yeah, Small Talk knows what you mean … I get all these emails and texts and stuff but they very rarely even make me smile. I just delete them.

Oh well. Thanks for your time, Didi, have a good day. You too small Talk. Bye.

The Didi Man: My Love Affair With Liverpool is available from the Guardian Bookshop now.