1.

Chamomile Tea









ACTUAL COLLEGE THEME PAPER - HEY I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor

at an American University.



"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person

sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write

the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the

first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The

first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and

forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order

to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking

and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The

story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."



The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:



Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.



------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The

chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,

now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,

that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,

keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if

she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.

So chamomile was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------

(Second paragraph by Jim)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack

squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to

think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named

Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.

Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator.

"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so

far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed

out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The

jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across

the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he

felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one

woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth

stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers

of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and

Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news

simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,

dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and

carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract

her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things

around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"

she pondered wistfully.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership

launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted

wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament

Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target

for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the

human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty

the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough

firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop

them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium

fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,

in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor

off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,

which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans.

The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't

allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of

the sky!"

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.

My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate

adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts

at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have

chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh

no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele

novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Bitch.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

slut.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Get f*cked.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Eat shit.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Go drink some tea - whore.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Teacher)

A+ I really liked this one.

