by tomboy24 » Thu Sep 27, 2012 5:41 am

The host is usually the person who handles the everyday stuff and is "out" most of the time (things like going to school, grocery shopping, being "normal"). I've been the host of my system for about 10/11yrs now.



Tylas is right in that the system tries to stay hidden from the host, at least for the most part. They might seem more like consciences, or "shoulder angels" and "shoulder devils"; you know, enough to be recognized as voices, but not necessarily cause alarm.



They're kinda like when you argue with yourself in your head about a decision, like what to do or what to wear, except normally, that'd just be you being indecisive. With DID, one day you'll realize (the more and more you argue, especially if you do so out loud) that the two opposing options start to have different "voices/tones" from your "normal voice" inside your head; possibly different expressions will follow; and then you start to notice traits being attached to the voices, such as one being mostly angry, one being calm and quiet, one being upbeat and happy, etc. And then you'll start to think "Hm, it's like I have different sides to me". And then, (if you're like me) you'll think it's normal, or just something that makes you a bit weird, nothing to really pay attention to, for a few years. Until you stumble across DID (I did in school psychology classes), read about it, and start getting really relieved that there's something that exists that puts what you experience into words, into explainable sentences.



ANYWAY, usually the host doesn't know about the system until they stumble across a part or a few parts on their own, or a part thinks the host is ready to be contacted, or therapy reveals parts, or the host shows the parts they're ready to accept and communicate with them, or something like that.



With my system, we couldn't afford to raise any attention in the situation we were in, and things like switches couldn't afford to be too obvious (or too alarming to me). So, parts would sorta "come forward" to me, either already having a name or using me to help them find a name, or even making me find their name by letting me know what name "feels right". They wouldn't just jump out and be like "Hey, what's up? I'm a different personality and I'm here to help". It was more like a self-talk type of thing, like how I started to notice Rain. When I was upset, I'd start telling myself, "Sshh, shhh, it's ok. You're ok, sweetie. It'll be ok. Let's watch some movies and calm down, ok?" or something like that. Well, one day I realized that when I would tell myself that, it wouldn't sound like my voice/myself. When I would repeat that stuff to myself in my head, the "voice" saying it had a calmer, quieter, and higher-pitched tone. Then I found myself answering that "voice", saying things like "Ok" and "You sure it's ok?". Finally one day I was wondering what this "voice" was or why I would think in that different tone of "voice" and then I just got this feeling, that if the "voice" didn't sound like me, it wasn't me. That's when the "voice" spoke up and said, "Rain", and so I started calling the "voice" Rain. Later, of course, I found out that this "voice" had a name because an entire personality was attached to the voice. So, yeah, even when parts come forward to the host, it's not always obvious.



Sorry if I was ranting a little bit. I hope there were some helpful parts in there. From what you've shared (the different handwriting, names, etc), it sounds like DID/DDNOS could be a possibility, and you should definitely look more into it to see if anything seems to "fit" you.