Concessions THE CHANGE-UP

Okay, so The Change-Up. Fine. Let's do this. Jason Bateman is an uptight lawyer with a bunch of kids and a wife and stuff to do and a moral compass and an alarm clock, and Ryan Reynolds is basically a penis that can play video games. But because movies have to have plots (hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh), Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds are also "best friends" (shut up, liars!). One night they get to gabbing about how jealous they are of each other's lives—Bateman because he would like to stick his penis into something called a "Tatiana," and Reynolds because he's really, really into having babies projectile-shit into his mouth (A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE) because baby diarrhea is his food and also his dad doesn't love him or something. Fine. Whatever.

Okay. Here's where our heroes make a CLASSIC BLUNDER (right up there with "never take financial advice from a feral child" and "don't fuck a gift horse in the mouth—because, you know, horse teeth"): Just like my grandmamma always told me, you should never, EVER pee into a magic fountain while making a wish out loud simultaneously with your "best friend" (LIARS!) on the night before your big merger with the Japanese. Seriously. Who doesn't know that? Smooth move, rookie!!! What are you, a feral child? (And no, thanks, I don't want to invest in your "start-up." I know it's just going to be a pile of cat bones again. FOOL ME ONCE, FERAL CHILD! Fool me once.)

So of course the dudes wake up the next morning with their brainz all up in each other's bodays, and now talking- penis-thing Reynolds has to put on a lawyer suit and go merge with the Japanese, while Bateman has to put on a condom (I hope) and go stick it in the Tatiana-hole. Stop me if you've heard this one befo—

HEY WHAT THE FUCK. DUDE. I didn't mean actually stop me. Don't you ever do that again. God. Because of course we've all heard this one before. It's a classic switcheroo. It's Freaky Friday with rape jokes (har har har har har har har har har). Which brings me to my next point: Um, SERIOUSLY, HOLLYWOOD??? A straight-laced dad and a sexually compulsive party dude? That's your switcheroo? You seriously can't think of any more complex identities to Freaky-Friday-body-switch than THAT? Because I can. Boom:

A butch lesbian and a less-butch lesbian ("How am I supposed to ride a motorcycle with lip liner on!?").

A single dad and a pedophile.

A fish and a slightly larger fish.

Antonin Scalia and a hot dog.

The band Radiohead and the band the Dave Matthews Band.

A feral child and the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

A gift horse and just a regular horse.

A pile of cat bones and my $400.

The screenwriters of The Change-Up and a couple of people with actually good ideas.

See? BOOM.