Come Saturday night, most of the world will be glued to their television sets, revelling in a ceremonial tribute to love that can only be achieved through enormous, taxpayer-funded wealth.

While it's refreshing to see how popular hereditary monarchy is in 2018, for anyone who isn't a member of a royal family, watching the wedding is a massive waste of time.

In the end, it'll be like every other wedding you've been bored stiff by — only longer, more expensive and with more obnoxious voiceover commentary.

Here's some better alternatives for your Saturday night.

1. Consolidate your super funds

The Royal wedding is a multimillion-pound tribute to futility — in which it differs from most weddings only in price. Instead of watching breathtaking levels of cash being squandered on an event that won't actually benefit anyone in a practical sense, why not use the time to improve your own lot?

Fewer fees, simpler management — the benefits of consolidating your super are clear. The benefits of watching the Royal wedding are imaginary.

2. Celebrate the monarchy in a more meaningful way

If you're a lover of kings and queens and primogeniture, watching a party on the other side of the world is an insipid way to demonstrate that love.

Instead, throw your own party and show your appreciation by re-enacting the Gunpowder Plot of 1605.

A Royal spin on the Murder Mystery Night, it'll allow your pals to actively embody the spirit of the monarchy, rather than passively watching a televised wedding.

The luckiest member of the party will get to play Lord Chamberlain Thomas Howard, 1st Earl of Suffolk, and will bring the evening to a climax by ensnaring the gunpowder plotters and, in the final glorious tribute to the Royals, have them hanged, drawn and quartered.

Draw names from a hat to choose which of your lucky guests will play the gunpowder plotters. ( Wikimedia Commons )

3. Watch the entire Fawlty Towers

While everyone else is celebrating the mustiest of British traditions, why not remind yourself of the worthwhile things the sceptred isle has given the world?

John Cleese and Connie Booth's peerless sitcom only ran for 12 episodes, so you should be able to comfortably watch the whole show while the Royal festivities are going off.

Forget the soap opera of the "Meghan Markle debacle" — it pales beside the chaotic operations of a struggling Torquay hotel and the mental disintegration of its combustible proprietor.

And while the Royal wedding may leave you wishing England would sink forever beneath the waves, Basil and friends will convince you that the place might just be worth saving.

4. Learn to bake

While others waste their time, get into the kitchen and see how well you can whip up a delicious pavlova.

The wedding will drag on long enough for you to take your time mastering the baker's art and have a second crack when your first cheesecake crumbles and your souffle collapses.

5. Play Risk

Instead of watching a spectacular display of the dying British empire, sit down and build your own.

With Risk, the "world conquest" themed board game, your family can live like the British elite by conquering the globe and subjugating its peoples.

Try your hand at world domination with the board game Risk — no child is too young to start plotting their Empire. ( Risk )

6. Visit the penguin parade at Phillip Island

The Royal wedding is a procession of people you don't know walking past in formal wear.

You can get the same experience by heading down to Phillip Island and watching the nightly penguin parade, only the penguins are much cuter.

7. Get married

Why should Harry and Meghan have a monopoly on love on this special day? Anyone who has ever been married will tell you it's much more fun than watching someone else get married.

Switch off the TV and be a participant in life not a spectator: grab a preacher and a couple of witnesses and make it happen.

If you don't have a special someone in your life, you have a day and a bit to find one, which is ample really.

8. Read the Communist Manifesto

Marx and Engels's ground-breaking pamphlet is only 12,000 words long, and will not only crystallise why you've been feeling such resentment towards the Royal family, but provide you with some concrete ideas for what to do next.

Ben Pobjie is a writer and comedian.