NHS to apologise for only ‘almost’ killing Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage, in his memoirs, has claimed that the NHS ‘almost killed’ him when he developed Testicular cancer as a young man.

The NHS has therefore apologised to the public for not actually doing so.

“Obviously, I recognised that Mr Farage had testicular cancer immediately,” said the Doctor who Mr Farage claimed didn’t recognise his cancer.

“I thought that would see him off comfortably, but with hindsight, perhaps I could have injected him with plague or referred him to Harold Shipman or something.”

Nigel Farage also claimed that the Doctor just told him to ‘just keep taking the antibiotics.’

“Yes, I mean they were just smarties,” said the Doctor, “I thought it would be enough. I’m very, very sorry.”

Mr Farage’s claims have opened up the NHS to criticism.

“I think it’s pretty disgraceful that the NHS had the opportunity to kill Nigel Farage and didn’t actually take it,” said Stephen Emmsworh of Dorset.

“I mean, what do we actually pay our National Insurance for?”

There has been speculation of further bungles from the NHS, with claims that they ‘must have had a chance to finish off Norman Tebbit’ at some point.

The NHS have also apologised for putting the image of Nigel Farage’s testicles in everyone’s head.