N. John Shore Jr.

Editor's note: "A Shore Thing" is a new advice column. Readers' questions are welcomed; see note below.

Question: I’m seriously dreading this year’s holiday visits with my extended family. Many of them voted for Trump; I find Trump’s election appalling. Any tips on how I can possibly endure our upcoming family get-togethers?

Answer: So, your question is based on a false assumption, which is that anyone in the world other than YOU gets to decide your state of mind during your family gatherings.

If you don’t like Trump, it’s probably because you think he’s a destructive force in the world. Well, if you let your peace of mind — your equilibrium, your kindness, your generosity of spirit — be compromised by your simply having to interact with family members who voted for Trump, then Trump has won twice. His first win was control over the White House; his second win was control over you.

Screw that. If you think you’re better than Trump — more moral, more just, more compassionate, more ethical, saner — then BE better than Trump. If what you loathe about Trump is that he stays low, then you stay high. That was a good motto during the campaign, wasn’t it? Well, now it’s words to live by.

It’s a family dinner, my friend. Let ‘em crow. So what? No fresh new horrors are going to be unleashed upon the world because your Uncle Tim wants to talk about how great Trump is.

And here’s the thing about Uncle Tim: He’s exactly like you, me and every single other person who’s ever walked this earth: All he wants is to be loved.

So show him some love. Offer to get him another piece of pie, or top off his coffee cup. If he insists on making you declare how you feel about the election, tell him the truth: that your candidate didn’t win, but that you certainly understand why Trump did.

And if you do not, in fact, understand how Trump could have won the election, then you have before you a splendid opportunity to gain some insight into that question. Take advantage of it. Instead of trying to avoid talking about the election, delve deeper into the conversation about it. Ask Tim to help you understand why he voted for Trump.

Accept his answers; ask respectful follow-up questions — and then listen, listen, listen.

It’s a guarantee that you’ll learn something. Even if you believe Tim to be a misogynistic, homophobic racist, you’ll learn one of two things: that’s he’s not, or how it is that he manages to hide from himself the fact that he is. Either way, you’ve learned something that is a long way from nothing.

It’s the holidays! Never forget that family get-togethers over the holidays are bigger than any one such occasion. They’re about tradition. They’re about generational continuity. They’re about clan.

Most of all, they’re about the children who attend them, about giving them a sense of belonging in the world, about building memories for them that later in their lives might help fortify them through tough times.

Don’t let the kids at your family gathering see their adult relatives attacking one another. Let them see you hugging your Uncle Tim, and telling him that, despite your differences, you love him just the same.

Email your questions to John@NJohnShoreJr.com. All questions are published anonymously and may be edited for brevity or clarity. Mr. Shore also writes, exclusively for Citizen-Times.com, “Ashes to Asheville,” an ongoing, real-time serial novel (and podcast) set in Asheville. A new installment of “Ashes” is published online every Thursday morning.