ragingfeminist:

I need to do it. I need to tell my story again with his name on it. I have tried to privately contact him for years, begging for a reply, for anything to know that he was sorry. I got nothing. Most of this story will be a more specific version of my more vague story detailing what happened to me (linked here) It would mean a lot if people boosted this story so others know they are not alone and that we have a right to be heard. This is going to be hard. This is going to be near impossible to handle. But it must be done.

It was summer of 2013 and he tweeted about himself getting a snapchat, along with a few other youtubers. At the time, these were CinnamonToastKen and Yamimash. I, giddy with excitement, snapchatted him for proof it was really Mark. He replied with a silly selfie and I was on cloud nine all day but too shy to send anything else.

Night came and he tweeted about the lack of boob pics he received on snapchat. I caught a wave of confidence and snapchatted him, asking if he wanted to do a “shirtless trade”. He replied with a stern face that said “Okay but no screenshots!” I sent him one or two topless photos and he replied smiling, saying “Wow, you’re beautiful.” He sent me a picture of a dark set, saying “Can’t send one- filming rn”. At the time, he had driven down to film with Cyndago (obviously, this was back when he lived in Cincinnati)So I continued to send him photos I deemed sexy enough. I was enraptured by him and desperate to continue my hold of his attention. He replied twice, one with a smirk, encouraging me to “keep bugging him” and one asking for “full frontal”. At one point, a video was even sent of him flipping off the Cyndago guys while saying “This is who I have to work with!” Soon, though, he stopped reading my snaps or replying. I stayed up too late waiting for his reply and the next morning, he tweeted he deleted his SnapChat.

I was confused, heartbroken, but determined to gain Mark’s approval again. I waited patiently for him to snapchat again, sending my own photos every now and then, desperate, but I never got a reply. Except for the time his snapchat account got hacked by a random girl, there was complete silence. I even spoke to a friend of his and fellow YouTuber about it over SnapChat a month later. He told me that Mark probably knew he made a mistake and would come around eventually. (I will continue to keep his name anonymous as he does not have a large place in the story and I do not trust that his involvement would make things better. I will only release his name if I can be certain he will back this part of the story up as proof should things comes to the worst) It never happened. I never got an apology, let alone another hint he knew I was alive. Until a month or so ago.

Roll around to present time, I have an amazing boyfriend. I still watch Mark’s videos with a pit in my stomach I try to dissolve. I still have a snacphat I primarily use for my boyfriend. One evening, before I took a shower, I decided to send Jack, my boyfriend, a topless photo. My snapchat friends list was short and, by combination of distraction and my slippery thumb, I sent the snapchat to the wrong person. I didn’t realize until a bit later when I saw my boyfriend hadn’t replied. I looked at my history and felt my heart stop. Mark had been accidentally sent my photo. And it had been seen. I started in shock for a few seconds until something else came up- the symbol of a screenshot.

I panicked. I quickly sent a few snaps, asking why he had screenshot it. He replied with a disgusted face, saying “I didn’t, you weird person.” I was sobbing by now as I tried to apologize and find out what the fuck had just happen but my snapchats were no longer being read or replied to once again. Every inch of me felt disgusting and I shook with the anger that I had possibly upset a role model of mine. Flashbacks of the summer this first happened punched me in the gut and I frantically got in touch with my boyfriend. I cried all night. Nothing comforted me.

It’s been a while since then but it follows me, what happened. I really have tried,as I mentioned above, to get privately in touch with Markiplier but to no avail (I will gladly show screenshots of the emails I sent him). My boyfriend feels so bad for me that he wants to contact him as well. It’s like a rock has been plastered to my back and I can’t remove it. I feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel fear. I know now, through many scandals that occured among the vlogging part of YouTube that this was wrong of him. I was a fan- this put me in a position vulnerable to him, below him, and he should have known better. He should’ve said no to my request, should’ve said it wasn’t appropriate, should’ve turned down my eager fangirl heart. I did nothing wrong in the eyes of many and yet I still despise myself for unknown reasons.

I understand if many don’t believe me. I am prepared for the hate and the anger that will come of this. But I wrote this for me, not for anyone else, except those that have gone through the same thing. You are not alone.

And, if by some chance, Mark is reading this:

I still deserve my apology

Edit: At the request of others, I am posting screenshots of his tweets to show he had SnapChat during this time as well as screenshots of my emails

Edit: At another request, here is proof that these emails were sent. Sadly, I only have the two most recent ones as the others were in an email account deleted