(Transcribed by show creators Vernon Chapman and John Lee)

First published in the February 2010 [adult swim] newsletter – peruse it for more hilarity, and subscribe here

Xavier, please introduce yourself. What drives you, and what is your message? This interview is over. I have not been so viciously insulted since each and every time your dear dead mother opened her pretty mouth to speak. An enlightened soul knows that all living creatures are actually one grand unified being, divided up into several dozen bodies and six cats. Do I have a message? Is the Pope a Catholic former Nazi? Yes. That is my message.

What is the most useful thing about waking up with a snake hand?

Going to sleep with a snake hand. That guy has a mouth like velvet and a tongue like a feather. Sadly, a snakehand scares people, and sadlier, the only language most people understand is the Language Of Violence Evermore (L.O.V.E.), known more commonly as Arabiatic.

With your shakashiri, you’ve solved many problems. Are there any other instruments you’d like to try?

I play my body like an instrument of the universe, I blow and strum it and then suddenly release the spit valve all over the carpet. I would like to take the sacks of Mother Nature and go slap happy with a spirituallbilly dance of justice. We don’t take the time in our lives to just sit back and enjoy a good slap dance.

What is your most charming quality?

A few minutes ago I bit my tongue really hard. I played it off like I meant to do it — I just kept chewing and chewing til it was all mushed up enough to swallow it. Other than that, I once charmed a Hobo’s private off my own arse.

Do you have a role model?

I like to spend a couple dozen hours per day staring at Rodin’s Thinker. What secrets doth he hold? Why won’t he share them? I figure if he’s thinking, then he’s judging, and if he’s judging then he’s judging me. How dare him?! Who does he think him is? I stare so hard, my eyeballs have become calloused and leathery.

Some people don’t understand you and don’t want to look at you. What do you say to them?

They need to look long and hard in the mirror. Everyone can find his, or her, own personal miracle in the mirror, or her-ror. Go ahead, Look. Get closer. Now look real hard. Harder. Who is the ugliest person you see in there? If it’s not me, there has been a miracle here today.

In your journey to the middle of Middle America, did you find anything that especially moved you?

So far today, 7 separate strangers randomly approached me to offer to pay for me to get a vasectomy. And I haven’t even had lunch yet. Just wait until they see how I eat Raisin loaf dipped in the milk of my Father.

Is there a climate, and how should we change it?

The climate crisis is God’s halitosis. We must fix it via my profound breathing technique — Close your eyes, inhale deep while visualizing world peace and then slowly exhale into a plastic bag. Quickly seal the bag and place it in the freezer. After a few hours it should be rock hard enough to paint it purple.

If you were to become a statesman of the world, how would you lead?

Please do not put me on a pedestal! I can climb up there myself. Power corrupts. Therefore, Lack of power causes purity. Impotence is next to Godliness. God’s omnipotent impotence has a message: Preparing a child for war makes as much sense as milking a tarantula for beef.

You now exist on a DVD in Australia. Why should we care?

DVD? That’s nothing. I exist on the truest format of all… Life! Try putting that in your entertainment machines and see what lies spew forth.

Is there anything you’d like to do while you’re here?

I want to tell you something that is gonna knock the socks out of your ass. Ready? Ok, here goes: Those aren’t actually socks in there — they’re my fingers. (Socks is my cat)

As a spiritual wanderer, do you feel an affinity for the Australian outback? We have a lot of dry land you might like to contemplate.

My heart is very like your country — upside down and backwards. I’ve always felt bad for 3rd World Countries such as Australia. Why must they call it the Third World when you’re always first in line for corruption and famine? I have found that protecting the starving children of this land is the most fun you can have with your pants off.

Have you seen our future? How can we avoid it?

I can see through you like a book. You think you’re the cream of the dick. The cock of the wok. Well friend, where I come from consumption is 9/10ths of the law. And I am 9/11. I am the ones we’ve been looking for. I am future.

First published in the February 2010 [adult swim] newsletter – peruse it for more hilarity, and subscribe here

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