We can all agree that the Nazi Party was a band of terrifyingly cruel, delusional sickos. What you may not know, however, is that Hitler's SS minions were also sometimes really, really dumb.

From failed propaganda campaigns to ridiculous assassination attempts, the Germans were not short on weird.



1. Operation Holy Hitler (aka let's kidnap Pope Pius XXII)

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In some ways, Hitler was kind of an understated guy. He was a vegetarian and didn't like smoking. But mostly, as we know, he was an egotistical maniac.

One of the best examples of the Fuhrer's self-love came about in the 1930s, when he decided that local Catholic schools had a shocking lack of Adolf Hitler memorabilia on their walls.

This was quickly remedied by replacing the classroom crucifixes with pictures of his face. How no one thought this was insane is pretty damning of human intelligence as a whole, but maybe the kids were just really tired of having to look at a an emaciated Christ all day.

Once Hitler had figuratively substituted God for himself, he decided to take it a step further.

And since literally pulling Christ from the sky wasn't an option, he decided to take out the next best thing: the Pope. Did we mention this was part of a larger plan to abolish all religions and declare himself as God of Germany? Because that was also a thing.

Hitler didn't want to nix the Pope purely for vanity's sake, however. In 1943, Pope Pius XII started to publicly denounce the Nazi's blatant abuses of human rights. This did not fly in Germany. Eventually, the Pope's thinly veiled condemnations of Hitler's activities went too far, and it was at that point that a real plan was set into action. Hitler brought SS Gen. Karl Wolff into his office, beckoned him closer, and said, "I want you and your troops to occupy Vatican City as soon as possible, secure its files and art treasures, and take the Pope and curia to the North."

So far this plan sounds like something a Bond villain would cook up: flashy, intriguing, but not completely insane. Then phase two comes into play, and all of that goes out the window.

Here's the plan in a nutshell: Once Nazi soldiers had captured the Vatican and the Pope, a second group would infiltrate the Holy City, pretending to be a rescue party. But instead of rescuing the Pope, they would claim that the first group of Nazis were actually Italian assassins, slaughter them all and "accidentally" shoot the Pope amid the chaos if he didn't cooperate. If he kept his head down, they would drag Pius XII back to Germany and lock him in a castle. Then the Nazis would blame the Italians, and everything would be roses.

Pope Pius XII. Screen grab

At least, that was the plan. Luckily, Wolff realized that this was completely psychotic and tipped off the Italians, who were rightfully pissed. He wasn't very subtle about it either, going so far as to agree to an interview with a local Italian newspaper, the Avvenire, which is owned by the Catholic Church. The Guardian writes that in the newspaper Wolff reportedly announced, "I received from Hitler in person the order to kidnap Pope Pius XII."

The weirdest part of this story, however, is that according to historian Robert Katz, assassinating Pope Pius XII wouldn't have benefited Germany or the Axis powers at all. Hitler was prepared to screw up everything just out of spite. Or maybe he secretly wanted the Pope hat, who knows.



2. The "degenerate art" gallery that was actually a massive success

Bundesarchiv

Before the Swastika flew over Deutschland, the soon-to-be Nazi nation was experiencing an incredible art renaissance. Dadaism and the Bauhaus movement were taking the world by storm, and the art community was looking to Germany for the best in cutting-edge modern art.

Then the book-burnings began. Art now had to fit the "Nazi ideal," upholding Aryan values and praising the brilliance and prestige of the Fuhrer. Movies and plays were censored, operas canceled, and paintings confiscated. The German art scene was being completely dismantled, and people were not happy about it.

Bundesarchiv

The Nazis knew that people were pissed about these new "creative restrictions," but felt that they were just misguided.

People don't actually know what they want until you show it to them, right? This was the Nazi strategy.

To redirect the poor, misguided art enthusiasts of Munich, they would first show them what they shouldn't want - by organizing an art exhibit called "Entartete Kunst," or "degenerate art." The gallery was supposed to showcase why modern art was actually awful and not cool at all.

Over 650 sculptures, paintings, prints, and books were confiscated from public German museums to be "shamefully" displayed in the gallery. The Nazis arranged the art pieces haphazardly to make them appear less attractive and wrote up explanations of why they were inferior, undesirable contributions to the art world and the Nazi regime in general.

Then the Nazis simultaneously opened their own art exhibit, the "Great German Art Exhibition," one with Aryan-approved art only. This way it would be clear to the public which was the superior art genre, and settle the matter once and for all.

Bundesarchiv

This did not go well.

Unimpressed with the perfectly sculpted, tasteful bronze nudes that filled the "superior" art gallery, the German art lovers ditched the stuffy exhibit and headed to - you guessed it - the degenerate art gallery. In the end, five times as many people visited the Entartete Kunst, thrilled to finally have legitimate art on display. In only one day, 36,000 visitors flooded the taboo gallery, completing ignoring the "Great German Art Exhibition" taking place just a few minutes away.

After the degenerate art gallery was closed, the featured pieces were burned, confiscated by Nazi officials, or sold to museums at auction. The pieces that were saved can be found in museums all over the world today, and the Entartete Kunst is considered by many to be one of the most culturally significant art exhibits of all time.

3. That time Hitler's "Perfect Aryan Baby" ended up being Jewish

Hessy Taft holds a Nazi propaganda poster with her baby picture on it. via The Telegraph

When you establish yourself as an extremist war-mongering regime, you need to make sure you have some killer PR to, you know, convince people that you aren't actually an extremist war-mongering regime.

Joseph Goebbels, the head of Nazi propaganda, learned this fairly early on. So, in order to make the Third Reich appear a little more cuddly (which is ironic, since the dude looked like Dracula), he began a national campaign in 1935 to find the "perfect Aryan baby" - a child so pale and Germanic it could be the measuring stick for all infant beauty.

You would think the chosen Nazi baby would fit the white-blonde, blue-eyed ideal, but for whatever reason Goebbels selected a brunette, brown-eyed baby. Mistake number one if you're the head of Nazi propaganda.

via The Telegraph

Goebbels then set about plastering the Nazi-Gerber baby's picture over all of Germany. She showed up in fliers, newspapers, postcards, and propaganda posters of all kinds.

Most people were pretty unfazed by the doll-faced baby that was suddenly appearing everywhere, accepting her as an unusually cute edition to the militaristic landscape of Nazi Germany.

Jacob and Pauline Levinson, on the other hand, were terrified to see the soon-to-be famous photo on the cover of "Sonne in Hause," a Nazi family magazine. Why? The Master Race baby was their daughter - and she was Jewish.

Let's rewind six months. The Levinsons had taken their young daughter, Hessy, to get her picture taken by photographer Hans Ballin, a prominent Berlin photographer.

After the quick photo shoot they thanked Ballin, paid for their prints, and headed home, thinking that was the end of it. For Ballin, it was just the beginning.

What the Levinsons didn't know was that the talented photographer secretly hated the Nazis - a lot. Like Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds a lot.

So when Ballin found out that Goebbels had created a photo contest designed to find the perfect Aryan child - a child that Goebbels would personally select - he couldn't resist the opportunity to undermine the entire thing.

Werner Goldberg: Half-Jewish soldier turned Nazi poster boy. Bundesarchiv

"I wanted to make the Nazis ridiculous," Ballin confessed, according to The Telegraph.

So, like the rebel artist he was, Ballin submitted the photo of little Hessy to the contest, hoping that Goebbels would bite. And as luck would have it, he did.

Unfortunately, this put the Levinsons in a lot of danger, and they ended up having to flee to Latvia.

The Nazis later learned of their mistake, but never who Hessy was or where her family was hidden.

In an interview with Death and Taxes Magazine last year, the 80-year-old Hessy (who now lives in the US) confessed: "I can laugh about it now. But if the Nazis had known who I really was, I wouldn't be alive."

And who wouldn't laugh? With Hessy's picture, Ballin had effectively trolled the Nazis on an international scale.

The Third Reich didn't learn from its mistake, either: They would later choose a half-Jewish man as the premier example of what a full-blooded Aryan soldier should be.

4. The "Lebensborn" Nazi baby factory

Two nurses weigh children at a Lebensborn house. Screen grab

The Nazis really had a weird thing for babies.

During Hitler's rise to power, thousands of babies were born into "Lebensborn" programs, which were basically Nazi baby-breeding factories created under Heinrich Himmler.

The children were raised to be in peak physical condition and were groomed to emulate the Nazi standard of beauty.

They were given a strict diet, were indoctrinated into the Nazi way of thinking and even had their hair treated with ultraviolet light if the nurses suspected it was starting to turn anything but Nazi-approved white-blonde. Seriously.

Where exactly did these babies come from, you ask? A few different places. Many of the children were the product of the government encouraging SS soldiers to "get to know" the prettiest girls in the European nations they conquered during Germany's expansion. Then if the ladies were lucky enough to get pregnant, they would be sent to a Lebensborn house, which literally means "font of life" when translated.

As in these babies would be the "font" that would kick-start the Aryan population of Germany and its captured lands, ensuring a smiling, blue-eyed super race. The unwed mothers were free to stay and live with their children, so long as they complied with the home's methods and adopted a proper Nazi lifestyle. Orphaned children were adopted out by upstanding German families.

Babies were also abducted from surrounding countries, so long as they were beautiful (Poland estimates that it lost as many as 100,000 children during the war).

The darker, "less desirable" children would be sent to concentration camps with their parents. The same was true of children born in the homes; if a child was particularly non-Germanic looking, or resisted Nazi teachings once he or she was a little older, they would be sent to be gassed at a death camp. The babies that made the cut grew up to be some of an estimated 250,000 children who were Nazified under the Lebensborn program during the war.

Nazi nurses wear goggles as they administer the light treatment. Screen grab

Tragically, many parents would surrender their children to the Lebensborn program in an attempt to keep them from the horrors of the concentration camps. Most of them were simply taken, however, despite their Jewish ethnicity. Looking the part was enough for the program as long as you grew up to love Hitler and despise the Jewish race like the Nazi nurses who raised you, apparently.

When the war ended and the Allies invaded, they found several Lebensborn homes still full of children.

Of the estimated hundreds of thousands of children who were part of the program, only about 25,000 were reconnected with their original families.

Many of the parents had been killed during the war, but some children refused to be reunited with their real families, believing themselves to be superior and racially pure after the Nazis' brainwashing.

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