WELCOME BACK TO THE 2017 PLAYOFFS, FRIENDS! The one time of year football is unquestionably good and fun and rarely sad and depressing. Mostly. January football is the best football, and we have to treasure it while we have it. And this aught to be a great weekend or two, because outside two of the usual suspects we got a lot of fun new faces!

Lets go through it team by team, because that’s just what you do in articles like this.

EAGLES

Obviously from a Giants fan standpoint fuck the Eagles forever amen but from a football fan standpoint this is a welcome addition and some much needed variety. Granted, what made this team good and fun tore their ACL a few weeks ago and they don’t look nearly as complete and imposing anymore, but that just evens the playing field. The Eagles looked like the best team in football most of the year and their #1 seed status is well deserved. If you like variety, it’s always positive to root for a team that has never pulled it off and if I wasn’t personally biased against this team winning anything, I could definitely root for them. In fact, if they end up in the bowl against the Patriots or Steelers, I just might, simply for the sake of seeing something different instead of the same ol’ shit for the same spoiled fans. Hopefully they flame out in the divisional and I’m not put to the test.

VIKINGS

My personal bandwagon pick, always had a soft spot for them and likely always will. I like those purple bumblers and want to see them finally do it. The Vikings should probably be the NFC favorite with Wentz out, but it just feels weird to put so much faith in Case Keenum. I want to, but I just can’t. But that defense with Harrison Smith and company is lights out and amazing to see and I’m very interested in seeing how they person against these other tough NFC teams. Mike Zimmer is a cool dude and this is a very like-able bunch now that Adrian “WHIPPED MY CHILD’S BALLS UNTIL THEY BLED” Peterson isn’t on the team.

RAMS

My other NFC preference. This is the most fun offense in the league to watch. I love how Sean McVay has used the headset timing to his advantage and feed Goff information at the line, changing how the offense works. I love how this team has turned around. I love everyone’s favorite grandpa, Wade Philips. Todd Gurley is cool, and the Rams sticking it to Jeff Fisher is hilarious. However, Stan Kroenke is a fucknut. This is one of those teams that feels like it could be a one year wonder because they haven’t been figured out yet like Chip Kelly’s Eagles or the first glimpse at something special on the rise, like that first year with Russel Wilson for the Seahawks.

PANTHERS

They’ve already been here recently but this team is still fun to watch and kind of flew under the radar this year. The Panthers played good ball this year but it was almost like nobody expected them to be here until they were, and now we are paying attention. We already know most of why this team is good, but they are still pretty new to all this so it should be fun. They also have probably the toughest game this weekend, playing the Saints.

SAINTS

Man, the Saints started 0-2 and everyone wrote them off instantly again. Then they go on an insane streak including possibly a game of the year against the Skins, and then wow, this team is really good. They jettisoned AP and immediately became a running powerhouse and defensive slugger, taking pressure off Drew Brees to do everything and making this team genuinely exciting and fun.

FALCONS

The NFC South really showed up to play this year didn’t they? Everyone ate a lot of Ws, except the Bucs. The Falcons are probably the only team in the NFC bracket that feels to me like a non-contender. I think every team has a solid chance of going to the bowl except Atlanta. This isn’t the juggernaut of offense last year’s team was, and while a hot streak could still take them places, they feel like the slightly weaker man out in all this. At least to me. When this team is on they can fight everyone, but when they are off they look worse than the others.

Really, as long as the Eagles don’t come out of the NFC, I have zero problem with any of these teams. Only two of these teams have ever won a SB, and the closest one was like 8 years ago with lots of downtime in-between. From a new faces standpoint, this is a great slate. The Packers and the Hawks are gone for the first time in ages and it feels so damn refreshing. Also of note, no Ravens! Thank goodness, I thought they were pretenders all year and was happy to see them get exposed by Andy Dalton in glorious fashion.

Now let’s talk about the less interesting conference, as always.

TITANS

Wow the Titans held on and actually made the playoffs! Good for them. They don’t stand a chance since they aren’t playing the Jaguars, but good for them. Would love to see Mariota go on a Flacco or Eli-esque out of nowhere streak and piss everyone in vegas off.

JAGUARS

Wow the Jaguars! Maybe Gus Bradley really was just that bad! One stud RB later and this team had an incredible defense and we didn’t really appreciate it for a long time. This is one of those defenses that is capable of stopping everyone and if they carry the team you shouldn’t be surprised. However, Blake Bortles is bad outside like 3 games this year and if anything holds this team back it’s going to be him. Or if they somehow end up playing the Titans in the AFCCG. That would own and give Jags fans the most PTSD you’ll ever see.

CHIEFS

This team started out looking like the best team in football and then fell so badly they actually lost to the 2017 New York Giants. I was convinced the Chargers were going to sweep in and take the division but the bolts stumbled and the Chiefs farted their way back into it. The game against the Titans this weekend will likely be the worst display of football for the rest of the year as two deeply flawed teams that lucked in sputter and warble around. Could be great, could be a 12-3 crapfest. Whoever wins will get obliterated in the divisional.

BILLS

HOLY HELL THEY ACTUALLY DID IT!

For once fortune favored them! They already love Andy Dalton more than they like Tyrod Taylor after the Bengals did the thing. You should 100% root for the Bills because 1. They need this

2. More Bills wins means more weeks of Bills fan antics. You thought they were nuts before, imagine them in playoff hype mode!

3. They would stick it to Doug Marrone, who skipped out on them in hilarious fashion

4. We may also have a slight, very slight, chance at a Music City Miracle re-match. Imagine the fun that would bring us. IMAGINE IT. I WANT THIS MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

STEELERS

It’s going to be Steelers/Pats in the AFCCG again and we all know it. Ugh.

PATRIOTS

Fuck off already for fucks sake. You’ve accomplished everything. Winning this game will only improve Brady and Belichick’s legacy by a mild percentage because they’ve already done it enough to pretty much convince everybody they are the best ever. Unlike last year, which had the very, very small positive of seeing Roger Goodell grit his teeth and hand over the trophy to the team he screwed, this year doesn’t have literally any reason to want a Patriots victory. We’ve seen it. 5 times. I don’t want to watch the same shit over and over again. It’s boring. I am so bored with this result that I would rather watch the Eagles win simply because it would be different. You did everything. Nothing can ever take away what you’ve accomplished. No team will ever reach this level of consistent dominance ever again. Go the fuck away. You did it. Let someone else have some fun. Make the AFC great again.

So personally if we get any result that isn’t Patriots, Steelers, or Eagles, I’ll probably enjoy this playoff season. The AFC will probably be interesting this week, boring next week as the Steelers and Pats easily roll over who ever comes to town (maybe the Jags can upset? Maybe?) setting up a boring ass-rematch in the AFCCG with a probably Patriots win again. The NFC will be incredibly interesting due to what feels like a much more even playing field. Hopefully though, we just get good football. That’s what matters.

WHO YA GOT WINNING THE 2017 PLAYOFFS?