At this point, just about everyone is drinking urine. It’s the wonder drug of the late 2010s. Urine helps bolster your immune system, clears up unsightly blemishes, its a powerful antiinflammatory, and it even whitens teeth. Urine therapy, once scoffed at by the medical establishment, is now being considered as a possible treatment for cancer and even AIDS.

But is all urine created equal?

One first responder says “not so fast.” Karen Dewilliger is a paramedic and homeopathic healer from Butte, Montana who has struggled with acne for years. It would often spread down her face and neck, making it tough to form intimate connections. “I had a bumble account,” she says, “but it sure wasnt't generating a lot of buzz.”

Then one day her ambulance crew got the call to a small, local workplace shooting. “It was at a grocery store,” she said, “real splatterfest.” Karen was called to attempt to resuscitate the shooter. “He was laying on his back in a blood stained pepe the frog t shirt, aspirating blood, and whispering ‘[deceased supervisor] … go on Joe Rogan.’ He had been shot six or seven times in the face and penis by the responding police. There was no way he was going to make it.” Karen says, “I just held his hand and watched him go…”

But then a kind of miraculous thing happened. As life left that angry, virginal little body, it began to leak urine. '"It's a natural thing,” says Karen, “when you start to let go, it really all goes.” As a practicing homeopath, Karen was familiar with urine from urine therapy. “You mostly drink your own,” Karen reflects. “Mine is fairly bright colored…like a chardonnay.” But this urine was different— “dark brown, pungent, and… almost viscous" Karen recalled.

Karen thought, “maybe this is special urine,” and just gently dabbed a little on her face and chest. The next morning Karen awoke to perfectly clear skin for the first time since childhood. “I immediately started taking selfies,” she recalls, “and putting them on the internet.” Things changed for Karen almost overnight. “Before, I had to practically beg for it. Now I'm just crushing puss’ left and right,” said Karen, oversharing slightly.

How does it work?

Incels, short for “involuntarily celibate“ is an increasingly popular lifestyle for young white men. However, as common as they are becoming, not everyone has access to the body of a school or workplace shooter. That’s ok! You can always go to your local mall and look for large, square-headed young men with BMIs in excess of 31 and one of the following: a fedora, a rick & morty shirt, a “neckbeard,” the book “12 rules for Life,” or a MAGA hat, and simply buy it from them. Alternatively simply post on one of your local neighborhood subreddits, which have developed a healthy trade in incel micturant.

But one thing is for sure. It seems there is something special about the urine of incels--that frustrated sexual energy, and high consumption of salty snacks and sugary drinks, when paired with an extreme sedentary lifestyle, and regular fits of impotent rage online seems to breed a special cleansing bacteria that takes the normal healing properties of urine up into the stratosphere.

Don't take my word for it: listen to these testimonials from satisfied regular consumers:

—“It's amazing!” Says Jennifer Bumtuche, antivaxxer and mother of six, “its really rejuvenated my nether regions! I've started hanging around high schools with a funnel!”

--"You have to adjust to the smell,” says Laura Servile, COO of a fortune 500 company, but I love what it does for my lips and cheekbones!”

--"I feel 10 years younger!” says Mario Bonetender, local politician and tv personality, “I've started giving money to Jordan Peterson just to encourage these weirdos!”

Seems like a lot people feel they may have hit upon the fountain of youth.