Principal and Vice-Chancellor of McGill University Josie-Anne Fortimer, who has been missing since March 23, has been found safe, though at this time her exact location is unknown. Fortimer disappeared seemingly without a trace after announcing to the university via email that the Board of Governors (BoG) will not be divesting from its investments in fossil fuel companies, leading to strong push-back from Divest McGill. Fortimer’s disappearance had been kept relatively quiet, an intentional move by the BoG, one anonymous source told the Tribune.

“They know she’s gone, she hit send on the email and sprinted out of the office,” the source stated. “She had a suitcase with her. She said she had to get out before those ‘crazed hippies’ got hold of her. I can understand why the BoG wouldn’t want the alumni to know, we’re in a budget crisis, you know, the donations need to keep coming.”

According to McGill Security, it received an anonymous tip confirming that Fortimer was safe and that she would be returning to campus once “these tree-hugging freaks get the f_ck off my lawn.” It is unclear who is acting as principal in her absence.

This is a developing story, check back later for more updates

UPDATE: Fortimer has been located. She is residing in a tent set up by Divest McGill on the lawn outside of the James Administration Building.

Fortimer was spotted peeking out of a Divest McGill tent to seethe openly at a group of students who were singing in solidarity nearby. When a student pointed her out, Fortimer reportedly hissed and bared her teeth before retreating back inside.

Fortimer agreed to speak with the Tribune on the condition that we would not reveal which tent she was living in.

“I knew this was the last place any of those meddling kids would check,” Fortimer said. “I’ll stay here until it all dies down. Finals are coming up soon, no way they can stay out here if they want to graduate on time.”

*This story is part of our joke issue and has no basis in reality.