Photo by James E Petts

If you live in New Orleans, you are familiar with one of the city’s quieter traditions: suffering through a precautionary boil water advisory.

Somewhere between two and fifty times a year, the Sewerage & Water Board mysteriously loses power in one of its treatment plants, and the public is advised to boil their water for one minute prior to drinking, cooking, brushing teeth, bathing or preparing food.

Each time this happens, the city’s emergency response website is overwhelmed with residents asking variations on what appears to be the same five questions about water safety. Fueled by a genuine desire to help my city, I have taken it upon myself to assist in answering these Frequently Asked Questions about how to stay safe during a boil water advisory.

Q: Is it safe to bathe or shower during a boil water advisory?

A: Yes, it is safe to bathe or shower. Pathogens associated with fecal contamination pose minimal risk unless ingested, where they can enter the bloodstream from the gut (e.g., intestine, stomach) and infect the blood (septicemia) and/or various organ systems.

Q: Can I still bathe/shower with NOLA tap water if my skin is mostly open wounds and sores?

A: No. Why is your skin like that? It is recommend that you seek immediate medical attention to find out what is going on with all those sores. Seriously.

Q: Can I still use NOLA tap water to make poop soup?

A: This question has been raised in the S&WB comments section with alarming frequency. At this time, I would like to reiterate: I do not know what “poop soup” is. If “poop soup” is indeed a food item, it is recommended — as with all soups — that the broth and ingredients be boiled for at least 10 minutes to ensure that any errant fecal particles are neutralized. However, if “making poop soup” is simply a colloquial term that you and your friends have assigned to passing a very sloppy bowel movement, then proceed as normal. Make all the poop soup you’d like.

Q: I suspect my neighbor, Craig, is sleeping with my wife. I’ve had my suspicions ever since I saw them making eyes at each other during last year’s Po-Boy Fest. This fella, Craig, has got it all. He wears expensive shirts from Express, he drives a Hyundai Elantra, and he’s as handsome as a young Ray Liotta. I have no “proof”of their affair, other than the fact that when she’s around him, her eyes contain a glow that I haven’t seen in years. Anyway, I waited for this piece of shit, Craig, to come home last night and I captured him with a trap I set. He’s tied up in my garage. Even after a good amount of roughing up (despite my appearance, I’m VERY strong) he claims that nothing is happening between him and Cheryl. I don’t believe him, and I intend to get some answers. Is it safe to use New Orleans tap water to waterboard this disgusting liar?

A: No. By its design, the practice of waterboarding leads the participant to ingest a significant amount of water as he/she struggles to breathe. As I have stated, at this time, New Orleans tap water is unsafe to ingest without first bringing to a flat boil for at least one minute. You can monitor http://www.swbno.org/ for updates on when the local tap water will once again be safe for your intended use. Also, consider just talking to Cheryl. She’s your wife, after all.

Q: Until the advisory is lifted, is it safe to drink the city’s tap water provided I run it through a Brita filter?

A: No. What are you? Some kind of idiot?