I gave my wife everything - she's left me with nothing

Dear Bel,

When I met my wife, both she and I were divorced, and I took her and her five-month-old baby boy into my home. We married four years later. My job (though incredibly stressful and which necessitated me commuting from North to South on a weekly basis) brought an affluent lifestyle. My wife was a housewife, her little boy called me Dad - and I loved him as if he were my own.

But, eventually, my workload made me tired and withdrawn, while she enjoyed a circle of new friends and slowly built a life without me. Sometimes I felt like a stranger in my own home.





After eight years together, including four years of marriage, I decided that I could not go on travelling up and down the motorway, living out of suitcase during the week. So I asked my wife to move nearer to my work, thereby reducing my travelling. I felt that I needed to spend more time with her and our son, but she wouldn't entertain it - and within weeks had engaged a very expensive solicitor (whom I was to pay for) who wrote to me (at my hotel) asking for a divorce.



When we got together, she had nothing. I helped sort out her credit card debt and her ex gave her just £50 a month as a token gesture. She had always said that we didn't need a prenuptial agreement because she had too much respect for me to consider taking me to the cleaners if we split - and in any case, she assured me she loved me so much that this would never happen. How stupid I was to believe her.

I ended up having to give my house (worth £360,000) to her, on the basis that her son was a 'child of the family'. The other option was to pay ongoing maintenance for the next ten years as well as a substantial lump sum.

So, after only four years of marriage, she got 85 per cent of my net worth. I ended up losing the house and nearly all my savings by the time I'd paid off the outstanding mortgage. I also lost about £15,000 in legal fees and bills, and had to move into rented accommodation, while she has my four-bedroom house in a lovely area.

And just to rub salt into the wound, I've tried to keep in touch with the little boy I treated as my son but never hear back from him. She sent an email saying he never talks about me, doesn't miss me and she doesn't want him to have anything to do with me; she's met a new man and tells me not to contact her or the little boy again.



How, in a civilised society, is it possible for this to happen? I've tried to be balanced, but it is very difficult when I've been financially wiped out by a greedy and callous lady. I know nothing can change my situation but somehow I find it helps to share the pain of my story.

Having gone from having everything to nothing in the space of 12 months, I have learnt not to trust love - because it lies. Please warn other men.

Mike



Your story is a very sad one, and many male readers will sympathise with you. But so will many women. An awareness of injustice has nothing to do with gender, and few people would think it right for a woman to effectively 'steal' a man's home.

In your longer letter, you make the point that the law 'in the case of divorcing couples is heavily weighted in favour of the female' and, statistically, you're right. I guess the current situation redresses the balance of centuries when the marriage laws penalised women, but that doesn't make it right - and anyway, this is not the place for any sort of legal wrangle.



I agree with you wholeheartedly when you complain about lawyers being too keen on making money and sometimes behaving 'like sharks'.



I remember it well: you make a five-minute phone call to ask a question about your divorce proceedings, think they're being friendly when they ask how you are, then get charged the equivalent of a four-star restaurant meal. And please don't write in protest, solicitors, because you must know that lots of people feel this way!



What concerns me now, Mike, is how you deal with the situation and rebuild your life.



The brutal behaviour of your ex-wife over the child whose care you shared makes me very angry indeed. It happens again and again - and is yet another example of the appalling selfishness so many people demonstrate, in putting the welfare of their children last.



This woman was willing to use her child as a pawn to help her legal battle and gain the home - but she has not thought about what might be best for him in emotional terms.



So now the eight-year-old not only has to adjust to the disappearance of the man he called Dad, but he has to build a new relationship with her new boyfriend.



Since she's surely bound to have told him that you are not his 'real Dad' (to justify her actions), the boy will probably feel he has already been abandoned by two men already in his short life. What will be the long-term effects on his own behaviour?



It pains me to confess that I do not see what you can do - other than try to appeal to her better nature. Yes, yes, I hear you protesting that she's proved she doesn't have a better nature, but as an intelligent man you must have researched your rights and know that you can't force your way into the child's life.



But you can communicate with other men who will give you emotional support. Even though the little boy is not your biological child you were his de facto father, and so you might find it helpful to get in touch with one of the groups that look after men's interests, such as Families Need Fathers. At the very least you'll find it helpful to talk to kindred spirits.



It is very common for men in your situation to become bitter and to believe that all women are out for what they can get, and will plot, lie and cheat to do honest men down.



One or two men's organisations that deal with issues of divorce and custody actively promote that prejudice - but I believe that does far more harm than good to the men themselves.



It does not add to the health of a society when either sex declares ideological war on the other - and chants out wrongs as if they were prayers.



When you write that you no longer trust love 'because it lies' your - perfectly understandable - bitterness is speaking, but I ask you to see that this will contribute nothing to your long-term happiness.



I'm glad it felt better, just to have written the long email telling your story. It's obvious you feel lonely as well as bitter, and I sympathise with you one hundred per cent.



But you if you Google 'Counselling for Divorced Men' you'll find some helpful sites which might help you make sense of your feelings and move you beyond cynicism about relationships.



Please don't give up on love because love went wrong and one woman treated you badly.



You must know that there are many lovely ladies out there who would be thrilled to meet a man like you, and share things like meals and movies.



Onwards, Mike, onwards!



My anxiety is so bad it's making me physically ill



Dear Bel,

I don't mean to sound like a hypochondriac, but I think there might be something wrong with me. I'm 15 and have little to worry about, but I always have this sense of impending doom, which ties my stomach in knots and causes vomiting, palpitations and dizziness - among other things. Sometimes I don't eat because I can't keep anything down. I reckon it's to do with anxiety, but I don't know who to talk to. My Mum keeps saying I need to 'chill out', but I don't know how. Please can you help me?



Laurie

Wouldn't it be amazing if all of us could 'chill out' as easily as that - just when somebody suggests it? I don't mean any disrespect to your mother, because I'm sure she worries when your moods swing up and down, and you look pale (as I'm sure you do) and thin.

She can't talk to you if you can't talk to her, and so it goes round in circles.



Many of us mums put on a cheery face because we so want everything to be all right with our children.

But sometimes we have to accept that it can be easier to talk to an adult who is not family, which is why I wonder if your school has a counselling service. Ask a teacher you particularly like, or your head of year. There's no need to be ashamed of having worries that seem so hard to describe - because no one will laugh at you.

Being a teenager can be tough; you worry about relationships, how you look, exams, friendships, what the future holds, life, death and the universe... and then some more. I know because I remember!

But your problem with food needs to be addressed - before it develops into something worse. I don't want to worry you more at this stage by being over-anxious, but I do want you to talk to somebody soon. Energy from good nutrition is absolutely vital at your age - which is why I want you to check out www.eatwell.gov.uk/ agesandstages/teens.

There's plenty of interesting and inspiring stuff on the web page. Work your way through and see how you feel. I bet it gives you an appetite.

You might like to talk through your nameless woes and real worries with someone who understands - someone closer to you in age.

Youth2Youth Helpline is the UK's first confidential helpline run by young people for young people aged 11-19. You can email, chat online (with a trained helper) or talk on the phone (020 8896 3675, Monday and Thursday evenings, 6.30pm-9.30pm).



Staff are aged between 16 and 21 and are trained in listening and helping. They're waiting for you to get in touch, so give them a try.



And maybe after that you'll have the confidence to talk properly to your mum and ask her to understand.



...and finally

Messages to make a dog lover's tail wag

On January 16, I featured a letter from a man grieving sorely for his precious mongrel. Sam wrote such a beautiful letter it touched me (a dog lover) deeply, and I was grateful for the chance to write about pet bereavement.

It won't surprise you to learn that his letter had the same effect on many, many readers. No space here to quote as I'd like to - because I simply cannot choose from the wonderful, comforting, understanding letters you wrote, to both Sam and to me.

There was a general consensus that, of course, to mourn a beloved animal is right and proper - and not at all 'crazy', as Sam feared people might think.

I received so many stories about other beloved pets (some rescue dogs) who have been loved and lost that it was hard not to sniff in sympathy. But people did unite with me in hoping that Sam would find himself another rescue dog - because there are thousands that desperately need homes, and the RSPCA, Dog's Trust, Blue Cross, and other animal rescue organisations can barely cope with all the animals they take care of.

But this is a personal plea from me to the man who wrote the letter. You see, I would love to pass on to him the advice, encouragement and good wishes from my wonderful readers - but I have no address. His letter (not an email) is here on my desk, typed, signed in blue biro - but with no address.

Please Sam, won't you get in touch again? Let me know how you're getting on and just give me an address (in absolute confidence) so that I can send you a sheaf of good wishes from fellow dog lovers. They will certainly cheer you up.

I should add here a general point to all readers that as we never, ever print addresses on this page, you are quite safe to add such information to your letters.

Then you might just get a little note back - which is my version of a tail-wag.