For some, last night the wait was finally over at the Star Wars: The Force Awakens world premier. As people got out, reviews started to pour out on various leak sites and with more and more leaks and spoilers, my anticipation for this film started to dwindle. I expected a truly progressive piece of sci-fi fantasy film to hit the big screen and now it seems like we were played and sold a hallow shell of social justice values with no real heart. The film, as all the spoilers indicate, was just “progressive” for the sake of being “progressive”, like it was lazily crafted by going down a checklist of features and thrown together with no real effort.

There’s no way I can continue this review without spoiling stuff, so if you want to save your disappointment for the theater, turn away.

BB-8 WAS PROMISED TO BE FEMALE, TURNS OUT TO BE A MALE DROID.

Everyone was stoked when they first saw the lovable bleeping soccer ball roll across the screen in the first teaser. We finally got a new droid design to fawn over and expectations went even further through the roof once some media outlets confirmed that BB-8 was Star War’s FIRST female droid. Turns out however, that was a blatant lie by JJ as a ploy to sell more toys to an already starved market of female Star Wars fans. I guess even in 2015, a galaxy where female robots are more than the sex drones built by men is still too far away to be portrayed.

REY IS ONLY STRONG BECAUSE THE PLOT NEEDS HER TO BE.

Turns out Rey is the main character of the film and a force sensitive one to boot. However, her story is devoid of any reason for her powers to activate that she ends up being just a Smurfette troupe that can wield a lightsaber. Not only do we get no explanation of her powers, but they randomly just turn on and she can use them flawlessly because the plot needs it to happen. Unlike other great characters in other shows and films (Supergirl, Jessica Jones, Furiosa), Rey lacks a depth needed to make her powers meaningful. It’s the weakest feminist fan service I’ve seen in a movie since people were praising The Other Woman because she simply did terrible things to a terrible dude. This doesn’t make Rey a bad character, or not a deserving hero for young women to look up to, but just someone who was poorly written and a HUGE missed opportunity.

THERE IS NO FINN AND REY ROMANCE.

In fact, there is almost no Finn at all. We were promised a scifi interracial romance between a strong female warrior and lightsaber wielding ex-stormtrooper and got none of that. Finn’s entire character is nothing more than a comedic relief token black character that white Hollywood can hold up and say “Look, we care about you too!”. The romance is never there, the action is never there, his presence is never there, partial due to the fact that he is injured early in the film and spends the rest of his screen time in a coma. All the propaganda, all the manufactured white extremist rage, it was all a hoax. There is nothing between Finn and Rey and that is that is what makes my heart sink the most about this film. Knowing deep down that at the end of the day, the racists won and we were fooled.

HAN SOLO IS KILLED, LEAVING LEIA TO SUFFER HIS LOSS.

Look, I hate the misogynist space pirate as much as the next girl and frankly think he should have been killed off way sooner than this, but to wait all these years and then have him killed by his son because he was trying to be a “good father” wreaks of MRA influenced bullshit. Han was never a good person, it’s why dudebros love him. I furious while watching the OT and having to be subjected to him constantly cat calling Leia every ten minutes ONLY TO HAVE HER GIVE IN AT THE END, but in the end I just accepted Han was a piece of shit. Then the retcons came, Hat shot second, etc. Now we are supposed to believe he has a heart of gold. It’s bullshit propaganda. Nothing more. Han deserved to die, but not like this, not as a martyr to creeps everywhere.

He deserved to die alone and cold on some outpost, dying from space chlamydia while Leia moved on, cut her hair short and realized she didn’t need that bantha poodoo to be complete.

PHASMA COULD HAVE BEEN BLACK, BUT WAS JUST ANOTHER WHITE PERSON.

Look, I’m just as excited about Phasma being a bad ass female trooper that doesn’t need boob-plate as everyone else, but in a movie that promised to be “less white” they sure skipped a lot of chances to diversify up the cast. Not like it mattered much I suppose, Phasma is another let down and only on the screen for minutes and only serves as a plot device to make Finn run away from his job as a trooper. I was expecting a Boba Fett and I got a Silver Barbie. Just there to look pretty and serve no real function to the story. Bravo Abrams, you sure shook up the status quo of White Hollywood.

I’m sure there is mountains of more wrong with this film, but I’m just filled with too much rage and sadness to even process it right now. Right now I just need a glass of wine and to go read some good Star Wars fiction, because this missed the spot like a trooper firing at Luke.