An Atheist Funeral Director Walks into a Chapel…

I am a godless funeral director.

I work in an industry in which religiosity is an inherent part of almost everything I do. Mortuary college has two classes dedicated solely to learning the funeral rituals for a multitude of belief systems. I’ve been in more churches than I can count in the last few years, a mishmash of stained glass and the cloying smell of incense. I’ve always got a back-up of Holy Water in the hearse. I know when to genuflect and when to cross myself. I know what rose water smells like during the cleansing and wrapping of the body of a Bahai’st in silk. I’ve ordered an aron for a Jewish funeral and supplied black armbands for a Buddhist funeral.

It’s a funny thing, I’ve had friends remark, for you to be an atheist who spends so much time in church. And maybe it is, but I’ve never had any problems with my belief system conflicting with what I do for a living. I provide a service to my families by directing a funeral. I appreciate that their beliefs give them solace, that their faith warms their hearts and dulls the sharp sting of grief to an ache. I would never dream of stepping out of my role as funeral director and into the role of neo-atheist evangelist, criticizing their rituals or stepping on their hopes for an afterlife.

Unfortunately, even professionally, the lines are often not drawn as clearly in the sand when it comes to respecting the belief system of a non-believer.

In February, I joined a group called Funeral Divas, “a social and support group for funeral industry women!” by their own description. The goal of the group is “to encourage and uplift every woman in the funeral service industry and have fun at the same time.” Claiming international membership and offering mentorship programs as well as continuing education, Funeral Divas seemed like an easy way to professionally network with fellow females in the industry. Since I spend plenty of time online, following their Facebook and Twitter seemed like a good way to stay informed – and it was, until this weekend.

On Sunday, my early morning meander through the Facebook feed led me to Funeral Divas’ Sunday post: “We just realized that we are trying to do the impossible! Form bonds between women in the Funeral Industry! But with God all things are possible ♥ HAPPY SUNDAY DIVAS ♥” [sic]

I paused in mid-scroll before tapping out a quick reply. “Not all your divas are religious.” I had joined this organization professionally, noting that it was specifically secular in its description. I had no interest in associating myself with a religious organization – not because I have problems with religious organizations within the funeral industry, but because I am not religious. Dinner with girlfriends in the industry is one thing, but bowing our heads before the meal? Misrepresentation is not in my bag of tricks.

13 minutes later, the reply popped up:

“Hi Heather yes, we understand but the reason for the post was to just give encouragement. We also say happy monday a lot.” [sic]

I couldn’t decide if something had been lost in translation or if the moderator of the page was deliberately avoiding the meat and potatoes of the issue. I hastened to clarify:

“…My issue with the post wasn’t “happy Sunday” or any day of the week. It was the comment “But with God all things are possible.” Again, not all your divas are religious and this appeared to be a non-secular organization. If the opposite is true, it needs to be clarified.”

Other members were quick to reply. “Why make a big deal out of nothing Ime sure no harm is ment.” [sic]

This didn’t seem like a big deal out of nothing to me. I had Funeral Divas listed under my liked pages on Facebook, linking me to their organization. They have a Facebook widget on their webpage, showing the post as well as a random selection of their followers. I had Mortuary Report’s Facebook page linked to theirs as an interest, and I had posted several relevant blog posts on their wall. This display of religiosity was now inextricably linked to my blog and myself. “But with God all things are possible!” was in manifest opposition to my own beliefs, and the correlation was uncannily untrue. In an industry where being truthful should be the basis of our relationship with our grief-stricken families, I had now been associated with a lie. Worse, when I went to find the original source of the post, I realized that the “God” portion had been pointedly added by the moderator of the Funeral Divas page.

I reviewed the website to make sure I hadn’t missed the fine print about it being a Christcentric group. Seeing nothing to the contrary, I fired off an e-mail to the administrator, expressing my concerns with the situation.

“…By posting religious themed statuses on Facebook, Funeral Divas alienates members of other faiths as well as those who identify as atheists or agnostics. Also… Funeral Divas has now associated me with that religious belief system.

…If Funeral Divas intends to portray itself as a non-secular organization, of course that’s entirely within your rights. However, that matter needs to be clarified for those of us who join for involvement in a secular, professional organization, not a religious one. If this is a misrepresentation of the organization, I request that the status is removed and specifically religious themed posts are avoided from here on out. I would be appreciative of your attention to this detail as well as your inclusion of all religious and non-religious belief systems of your members.”

Kim Stewart’s replies were prompt, but failed to address either my issues or my request for action on Funeral Divas’ part. “I think there may have been some kind of misunderstanding. It was just meant to be a quote of encouragement and no more than that. We are sorry for the misunderstanding.” She neatly signed her name and left it at that.

The “misunderstanding” seemed to be murkier at this point than ever before. I decided to word my next e-mail in no uncertain terms: Is Funeral Divas a religious organization?

Kim’s e-mail answered my question: “Funeral Divas is not a religious organization.” She continued, “Unfortunately the post probably won’t be removed. I don’t think any of the post have ever been removed.” [sic]

Flabbergasted and frustrated, I sent my last e-mail: “It is unfortunate that Funeral Divas is choosing to alienate your members of other religious beliefs rather than click an ‘X’ button on a website. Please remove me from the membership roster.”

The back and forth of Facebook and e-mail posts may seem superfluous, but they’re a roundabout way to make an extremely important point: in a professional setting when transparency and truth in representation are of utmost importance, is behavior like this appropriate? Should those of us who aren’t part of the Christian majority have to assume that non-secularism is the norm in a professional setting unless otherwise stated? Should we have to respect the beliefs of others without having our own similarly respected? Does the inherent religiosity of the industry somehow disabuse me of my disbelief?

I’m curious as to where your thoughts and opinions stand, professionals, students and laypersons alike. I may be the minority as a godless funeral director, but I don’t think that means I’m invisible.

Funeral Divas can be contacted on their Facebook, through their Twitter or by e-mail at admin@funeraldivas.com.