At times like these, it’s a relief that LGBTQ people have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Apart from Brunei wanting to stone them to death; Ann Widdecombe saying that science could “produce an answer” to being gay; the rise of homophobic hate crime, exemplified, last week, by a lesbian couple being viciously attacked on a London bus for refusing to kiss for the entertainment of leering heterosexual men. Just that sort of thing – relentlessly, globally, forever. Other than that, LGBTQ people have got it easy.

So consider people so dense one imagines a microwaved cheeseburger where their brains should be – what about oppressed straight guys? Who will speak for them?

Take the US men’s rights group, Super Happy Fun America (SHFA), which applied for a permit to hold a “Straight Pride” parade in Boston to “celebrate the diverse history, culture and contributions of the straight community”. As yet, they have been unsuccessful. (Boston’s mayor, Marty Walsh, preferred to concentrate on the city’s LGBTQ Pride celebrations.) Another setback came in the form of Brad Pitt, who insisted that SHFA stop using his name and likeness on its site, almost as if being associated with knuckle-dragging homophobia was embarrassing or disgusting or something.

Enter “alt-right” controversy-merchant Milo Yiannopoulos, who proclaimed himself delighted to be Straight Pride’s new mascot. Confusingly, he is gay, but at least he’s available – after his book was dropped by his publisher and Facebook permanently banned him. Last year, things got so bad it was reported that British-born Yiannopoulos had applied to join Ukip. With his contrarian track record, it’s perhaps unsurprising that he has seemingly opted to “come out” as a self-hating gay man who hangs out with homophobes and we should all put aside our prejudices and be happy for him.

Obviously, those involved with SHFA are engaged in a massive wind-up, although they probably believe that they’re making an astute game-changing point about identity politics and that straight men are oppressed in these politically correct times. I’m sure there are corners of the dark net where such musings would be applauded by gruff, mysteriously single, MAGA baseball cap-wearing men, when they’re not complaining about frigid modern women or researching sarin gas.

In the real world, there’s a good reason why Gay Pride needs to exist and Straight Pride doesn’t. Straight people, especially white straight people, don’t have to stand up for their rights. They’re OK, to the point where they can afford to budge up a bit and give different types of people space to breathe.

Straight men such as those behind Straight Pride are auto-celebrated, auto-protected and auto-privileged every second of every minute of every day of their whingeing, resentful, spiteful lives. Perhaps they should hold a parade about that.

It’s too soon to appreciate Harvey Weinstein’s wordplay

Harvey Weinstein Photograph: Carlo Allegri/Reuters

Has disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein got his mojo back? Madonna, who worked with Weinstein on her 1991 documentary, Truth or Dare, has said that when she heard of Weinstein’s fall from grace, she thought “finally”, adding: “It was good that somebody who’d been abusing his power for so many years was called out and held accountable.”

Weinstein responded with a statement weaving in Madonna song titles: “It’s surprising that she conformed to what’s in Vogue… I will not Justify My terrific feelings for her … She was that Ray of Light whom I will always Cherish… if getting on this bandwagon helps her sell records, Turn Up the Radio.”

And more in that vein – from a man facing criminal charges (which he denies) and embroiled in a lawsuit and a reported $44m settlement. Yet it seems he still feels safe and entitled enough to engage in excruciating, immature snark.

Has the meaning of the word “inappropriate” still not sunk in? Doesn’t he realise that the days of people faux-guffawing at his “jokes” are over (“Hilarious, Harv, do Taylor Swift songs now!”)?

In this spirit of wordplay, here are two more words for Weinstein: “grow” and “up”.

A bold call from John Lewis, but will it succeed in hard times?

Sharon White: will she be the department store’s saviour? Photograph: Paul Hampartsoumian/REX/Shutterstock

Congratulations to Sharon White, the new executive chairman of John Lewis. The soon-to-be ex-chief executive for Ofcom was, prior to that, the first black person to serve as permanent secretary to the Treasury. White, also recently tipped to be the next governor of the Bank of England, will be paid a basic salary of £990,000, to oversee John Lewis department stores and the Waitrose supermarket chain.

For all White’s attributes, this is being viewed as a surprising appointment. As well as not being promoted from within, as John Lewis bosses tend to be, White’s retail experience is comparatively limited, though this seems to have been part of the attraction. Outgoing chairman, Charlie Mayfield, said that White was not “the conventional retail choice”, but “these are not conventional retail times”. Which is an understatement. Like all others in the retail sector, John Lewis is navigating dangerous waters – in March, it was revealed that profits were down 45% and staff received their lowest percentage of bonus in 66 years.

One grumble: White was allowed to pick her own title, so it’s a little disappointing that she chose chairman. Why not chairwoman, chairperson or, my favourite, Queen of Retail Narnia? I know I’m being facetious, but surely this was an opportunity to break down some of those tired, male-dominated business ways? Other than that, John Lewis should be commended for its bold move.

If the collapse of Debenhams is anything to go by, then the very last thing brands should do is keep sticking to outmoded formulas in the hope that things will magically get better. John Lewis inspires more customer loyalty than most, but there isn’t a magic wand to make the likes of Amazon go away. Good luck to Ms White – in this climate, even audacious maverick choices are going to need a hell of a lot of it.

• Barbara Ellen is an Observer columnist