HONOLULU—Offering new insights into the vast expanses of water that make up nearly three quarters of the planet’s surface, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute announced Monday that the majority of the world’s oceans remain boring as shit. “Even after centuries of human exploration and study, more than 80 percent of this enormous underwater realm continues to be a complete and utter snooze,” said lead researcher Jon Akiyama, explaining that the seafloor in particular was full of a bunch of bullshit like sand and rocks that you could see pretty much anywhere. “If you’ve ever spent even a couple minutes looking out at the water, you get the idea: it’s dark, it’s wet, and it’s mostly empty except for some lame fucking fish and crustaceans that don’t even do anything cool. Unless you’re some weirdo who gets excited by the idea of kelp, you can basically just skip the whole damn thing.” Akiyama acknowledged that the world’s oceans could become significantly more interesting as new technologies allowed scientists to discover additional weird, freaky squids and kickass sharks.

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