How To Understand an Introvert You’re in a Relationship With

In my life, I have gone out with extroverts, shy people, confident people, arrogant people, shallow people, and whatever else you can think of. (Except trolls.) But a particular branch that usually stood out in a unique fashion were the introverts.

Introverts are great people to spend time with, or date. They’re creative, often intelligent, and full of surprises. Although I’ve always pointed more towards the extrovert side of the scale, Michael has always been the introvert of the relationship. It may be a weird combination, but it works for us.

Maybe you’re dating an introvert. Perhaps you’re best friends with an introvert. Or maybe you’re interested in getting to know an introvert. Either way, before you establish any type of relationship with an introvert, let’s go over a few basic guidelines to understand the life of an introvert.

Don’t Be Overly Suspicious

A characteristic that introverts display is being quiet most of the time. This doesn’t mean they’re shying away from you or planning an evil scheme. It just means they enjoy being thoughtful to themselves and live inside their own world. They examine the environment and reflect on their inner thoughts.

Don’t take an introvert’s silence as a means of their disinterest in you. If anything, it means they’re comfortable being around you. There’s many nights where all Michael wants to do is sit next to me and think in his own little world. It doesn’t mean he’s pushing me away from his life. He just needs to be mentally alone while we’re together for a short period of time.

Don’t Assume Introverts are shy

Back when I met Michael, I made the mistake of assuming that introverts were shy people who didn’t know how to carry out a conversation. But that’s not true, and they will be offended by such assumptions. Michael taught me how to keep a conversation going a variety of times. His social skills are perhaps greater than mine when it comes to speaking to people. However, I do have the advantage of socializing longer than him.

Introverts have less tolerance when it comes to external stimulation. Unlike extroverts, who get their energy from other people, introverts charge up their energy from within, and it drains the longer they speak to other people. Sure, there will be a variety of shy introverts such as there’s a variety of shy extroverts, but don’t categorize them as all the same.

Introverts Aren’t Afraid to Speak

Being in a relationship with an introvert, you learn that introverts can talk quite a lot. They have a lot to say because they want to share what they’ve learned or read about. They like to ask weird, but interesting questions. They want to discuss the long range of questions that’s in their head. The other night, Michael had asked a question about which superpower would make life easiest.

The only reason people assume introverts are afraid to speak is because they’re picky on who they want to spend their time with. And it’s not because they’re arrogant or anything like that. It’s because with only a limited amount of social energy, they want to spend it on those they cherish.

Introverts Aren’t Anti-Social

While it’s true an introvert won’t choose to go out to social events every day of the week, it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily anti-social. When you’re in a relationship with an introvert, you need to learn how to balance their socializing time with their quiet time.

You need to plan in advance to get their alone time recharged before taking them out to parties or social events. I try not to bring Michael to too many social events throughout the week because he’ll be drained by Saturday and become a hermit for an entire week.

Therefore, I usually like to give him two resting days after going to a big social event. If we go somewhere the entire weekend, I like to give him a few days to recharge himself. So plan ahead to ensure you don’t overwhelm the introvert you’re dating.

Introverts Don’t Like Small Talk

I sometimes enjoy small talk such as what Michael ate for lunch or what he did at work. But understand that introverts don’t prefer small, meaningless talk because it does nothing but drain their limited energy. It provides no benefits upon them other than giving them the chance to hear their own voice.

Introverts usually see small talk as being the same, repeated dialogue and would prefer speaking about something worth mentioning rather than a predictable conversation. So instead of asking your boyfriend or girlfriend how their time at work was, ask them about one of their general interests.

For Michael, I find it easy to start a conversation about what he read about rather than what he had for dinner. He enjoys discussing things that’s happening across the world, new scientific research that was released, and why Bears Beets Battlestar Galactica.

Introverts Need Their Privacy

Despite how much Michael enjoy spending his time with me, he does need his alone time to think to himself. He treats his private moments as a means of hearing his own thoughts and concentrating in the moment.

Whether he writes, reads, draws, or exercise, he needs time to do things without anyone disrupting him. Don’t be insulted when an introvert wants to be left alone. Respect their privacy because after they’re done recharging themselves, they will jump back to you happier than ever before with 1000 things to say.

Avoid the Phone

Something that was hard to understand was how much introverts weren’t comfortable at speaking on the phone. But Michael tends to feel odd and not totally engaged when speaking on his cellphone. Instead, he prefers personal engagements and interactions.

It took time to realize that whenever you spoke to introverts over the phone, they use more energy than in person because they’re constantly forced to keep a conversation going. Whereas, if you speak to them in person, it’s okay for them to remain silent and examine the environment in thought. So feel free to text an introvert you’re dating, but try to limit your calls unless it’s necessary.

Occasionally Nudge them into Social Interactions

Sometimes, for their own good, you need to engage your introvert partner with other people. Although Michael might be discouraged upon meeting my friends, he eventually feels comfortable with them after I properly introduce him.

Thus, encourage your introvert partner to meet your family or anyone else in your life. If your friends invite you to the beach, take your introvert partner along for their own sake.

Introverts may not beg to be invited to a social function, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to go. If your brother or sister wants to go to the movies, drag your introvert partner with you. Just be sure to give them enough time to recharge themselves before dragging them to another social event.

So why Date an Introvert?

I sometimes get questioned about why I prefer dating an introvert or someone who enjoys his solitude. And such as myself, I’m sure there’ll be a point that either your friends or family will ask you the same question. Especially if you’re a natural extrovert.

But what I love most about being in a relationship with an introvert is that despite our differences, I love the attention he gives me. It’s an amazing feeling to know someone is giving you their limited energy because they care about you. (I really hope that didn’t sound creepy.) Introverts are more likely to be honest with you because they’re investing their limited social time on you. They hold intelligent conversations and have so many ideas to offer.

Yes. I love socializing. I love going out. I love speaking to strangers. But after spending a fair amount of time with an introvert, I’ve learned that introverts aren’t like the rude stereotypes society gives them. They’re loving people who I can rely on when I need to discuss something personal. They’re excellent listeners who I can share my most personal feelings with. They’re people who I can easily trust because they’re not simply using me to fill their boredom time.

Besides, unlike most extroverts I’ve come across with, introverts are quite interesting to go out with to social functions. (Especially when you create make believe life stories about the people who’s there.)

Hopefully these points give you an easier way to understand how it’s like dating an introvert. Although it may be a little different than dating an extrovert, it’s totally worth it because of the amazing benefits they provide.

Know any introverts?

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For more like these,

How To Easily Keep a Conversation Going As an Introvert

5 major advantages you get for being an Introvert

The Adult Guide to Overcome Loneliness and Make Friends