“I’ve been encouraged by the support of many friends (including gay friends, incidentally).” – Kirk Cameron

It’s become the latest cliche of homophobia that every time someone in the spotlight spouts something anti-gay, they’re quick to point out that they have gay friends. Really? I wonder if any of these people actually know what being a friend means.

Take Kirk Cameron, for example. He said a bunch of crazy stuff about homosexuality, then acted surprised that gay people took offense. He has gay friends, after all. Or so he claims.

Now, let me just state up front that Kirk Cameron’s or anyone’s opinion of homosexuality means about as much to me as my kid’s opinion of eating broccoli, which is pretty similar to how Kirk feels about the gays, actually. I mean, it’s not like Tina Yothers condemned me. Then, I’d be crushed.

But how does this guy develop such bigoted views and still think he’s admired by the people he’s bigoted against? That’s when I realized what’s going on:

You guys, we’re being too nice to Kirk Cameron.

Sure, he thinks he has gay friends. Most gay people I know are pretty cool. They’re not going to spit in a former child star’s face just because he grew up to be an insane, reactionary a-hole.

Take me for example. I’ve scooched over on the train so a bigoted person could sit next to me. I always let bigots get off the elevator before I get on. I’ve dropped pennies in the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray knowing that whoever takes my penny may have voted for Prop 8. What can I say? I’m very tolerant of people with different viewpoints than my own. But please, bigots, don’t mistake any of that for friendship.

Just so we’re clear, there are a few dealbreakers to us being buddies which you may not be aware of . Let me spell them out for you as clearly as I can before you go telling the media that I have your back.

I won’t be your gay friend if…

– You’ll let me cater your wedding but not have one of my own.

– You don’t think I should be able to adopt children because I might be “attracted” to them.

– You think merely saying you love everyone is equivalent to actually demonstrating that love.

– You use your religion both as a basis to attack me and as a shield to defend yourself from my rebuttal.

– You would treat your gay child with anything less than complete acceptance, unconditional love and a raging desire to kick the ass of anyone who made life hard for them.

– You joke in some movie that electric cars are “gay” and expect me to laugh.

– You still wish Will & Grace had hooked up at the end.

If any of those apply to you, that’s fine. You have every right to be exactly as horrible and wrong-headed as you want to be. As I said, though, don’t expect me to be your gay friend.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to address those people who actually are my friends, because clearly we’re giving those other guys the wrong impression.

So here’s what I propose:

If you see Kirk Cameron, Sarah Palin or any other blatant homophobe, don’t be nice to them. It confuses them.

Don’t shake their hand. Don’t style their hair or do their interior design or perform “Rent” for them. And for the love of God, don’t play your 1970s classic rock hits at their wedding, Elton.

Just cut them off and say, “Sorry, I only do that for friends.”

It’s not polite and it’s not subtle, but I’m afraid it’s the best course of action from here on out. Sometimes the only way to get through to these people is to be a complete douchebag.

You know, like them.