By Derek Clark

Contributing Writer, [GAS]

If you’ ve read any science fiction or watched any sci-fi shows lately, then chances are you’re familiar with the concept of the ‘singularity’. If not, then you should probably stop reading this article and go finish knitting that sweater for your grandson.

Singularity refers to a theory that technological progress will continue to speed up and that we will develop super smart toasters that will speed up the progress even more causing them to invent even smarter toasters and… well, you see where this is going – world toaster domination.

The concept was first discussed by statistician I.J. Good who, in 1965, said that if machines became intelligent, they would rapidly improve themselves and outstrip man. He called it the ‘intelligence explosion’ . But it was scientist and author Vernor Vinge who coined the phrase ‘singularity’ for his 1993 essay, ‘The Coming Technological Singularity’ (apparently, revising his previous title of ‘Robots Gonna Fuck You Up, Bitch!’ ). The idea was intended as an analogy to a gravitational singularity – as the laws of physics become unrecognizable near a black hole, so too would human society when a technological singularity occurred. Though originally meant to refer to the ‘intelligence explosion’ , the term singularity has since been used to describe other big theoretical leaps, such as nanotechnology and Lady Gaga’s gender.

Here are a few more impending singularities that I feel you should be made aware of…

The Hipster Singularity – when the swelling aura of smug self-righteousness causes vintage clothing to become self-aware and rise up and smother their PBR-drinking, indie band-listening owners.

The NASCAR Singularity – when NASCAR race cars inevitably develop better English skills than their fans and explain to them the problems of inbreeding, thus ending the propagation of their species.

The Jobs Singularity – when Apple devices become so desirable and expensive that everyone will be forced to donate their livers to Steve Jobs to obtain one. Unfortunately, they’ll only enjoy it for about three days before keeling over. Oh, but what a three days!

The Jersey Shore Singularity – when a giant globular creature known as a ‘Snookie’ rises like Cthulhu from the ever-mounting, primordial ooze of self-tanning lotion coating the Jersey Shore to devour all Guido-kind.

The Facebook Singularity – when millions of people become aware at the exact same moment that Facebook is actually just a sadder form of scrapbooking and all join a suicide pact where they ‘like’ each other to death on Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday.

The Ironic Zombie Singularity – when average people suddenly snap and start eating all the annoying zombie fans. Because seriously, enough already.

Whether you like it or not, the singularity is coming for you in one form or another. If you need me, I’ll be huddled in the corner, nervously knitting sweaters for the robot apocalypse.

[Cylon Toaster Picture Source: Io9]