LAST week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Sydney finished with a fight so dramatic several cast members ended up wearing their cocktails.

This week opens with the calm after the storm, showing Krissy, Nicole and Athena up early for a sunrise swim at the rooftop pool of their Singapore hotel.

After the previous night’s exploits, Krissy and Nicole offer to absolve Athena of her sins with an old-fashioned baptism.

That’s their story, anyway — they may be trying to drown her.

Krissy‘s convinced that briefly dunking Athena in a hotel pool should be all it takes to stop her behavioural issues.

“She came out a changed person ... I saw this spirit fly up to the sky. It was dark and black and had big fangs,” she insists.

Later that day Lisa, Matty and Mel go shopping — Lisa nonchalantly buying a $19k bag at the first shop she walks into (Note: If you have enough money to so casually purchase something this expensive then GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR BLOODY MONEY) and the girls recount what she missed, having sat out the previous night’s dinner.

It all kicked off when Victoria threw a napkin at Athena with such brutal force that “you could hear the BANG,” Matty says. Nothing like the sickening crack of cloth napkin on Housewife.

Lisa instantly sides with Athena in the tiff, insisting that Victoria is the common denominator in most Housewife disagreements — “And I do mean common.”

The only person Lisa hates more than Victoria is Krissy — for about the 374th time this season, she loudly announces that the married mother of three is a “slut.”

The others rankle at Lisa’s use of the word.

“DON’T say that in front of me, DON’T say that about Krissy,” chides Matty — but Lisa’s not finished.

“The thing that pisses me off about Krissy is she doesn’t get that her loud, obnoxious, slutty behaviour embarrasses me,” she says.

What IS Lisa’s obsession with another woman’s sex life? Could it have anything to with her recent admission that she and husband David haven’t had sex in over a year? Surely not.

The women all sit down for their first group meal after the previous night’s shenanigans, and Victoria admits she’s feeling slightly sheepish about her explosive fight with Athena.

“I’m annoyed at myself for letting her get to me like that. And she’s got that stuuuupid hat on today … everything about her irritates me.”

The hat... it is indeed stupid:

Athena’s not sure she’ll ever strike up a friendship with Victoria after the last night’s confrontation.

“My relationship with Victoria is dead, and the only way we can bring this dead donkey to life is to really shock some life into it,” she sighs.

We‘d assume that’s a metaphor but this is Athena X we’re dealing with, so there is a very real possibility she‘s hatching a plan to electrocute some livestock.

Over lunch, the topic of Lisa and Athena’s social media aggression comes up — Victoria says she thought it was low of them to put up a picture captioned “Queens don’t compete with hoes” a couple of weeks back, an obvious jab at their Housewife rivals.

“Are you saying I’m calling you hoes? No-one would pay you to have sex, and why would anyone pay [Krissy] when she gives it away for free?”

Cue deeply unimpressed looks from Victoria and Krissy.

Lisa then launches into another rant about Krissy’s “slutty” behaviour — which, when forced to define it, amounts to the fact that Krissy is a confident woman who also has breasts (BURN THE WITCH!).

She tells Krissy that she’s hated her from “day one” — largely because she’s heard so many whispers that Krissy’s been mocking her marriage problems behind her back.

From who? Why, from Athena, of course.

Hearing her name suddenly parachuted into the middle of this fight, Athena can’t do the Simpsons collar-tug fast enough.

“When did I say that?” asks Athena.

“You’ve said it MULTIPLE times and if you can’t own up to it, you and I can never be friends cos you’ve got me so f**ken angry at someone I probably shouldn’t have been angry with!”

“If you have a sick mind, it’s not my problem,” counters Athena, which winds Lisa up even further: “OOH you are a f**king bitch; you are a f**king bitch.”

It’s an odd display: They’ve fought with every other person at this table, but Lisa and Athena have never turned their fury on each other. Now they’re like two malfunctioning Roombas who, having bumped into every piece of furniture in the room, are trapped in a corner constantly butting into each other.

As the pair combust in a torrent of “f**k you” this and “I hate you” that, Krissy looks on with equal parts bewilderment and disdain.

Lisa admits that, so intense is her obsession with Krissy, she’s spent days walking around her house practising insults to throw at her. “My nanny thinks I’m nuts because I’m having this imaginary conversation with you all the time.” Lisa, your nanny is correct.

Lisa rises from the table and offers Krissy an apology and a hug - perhaps she shouldn’t have trusted all those nasty things Athena had relayed.

Wow. Is this a new Lisa Oldfield?

In a piece to camera, she reveals she’s still evil at heart:

“I’m trying to win the hearts and minds of the group. I’m happy to look contrite, but I don’t mean it. Fingers crossed behind my back … [Krissy] you’re a F**KING. BIG. SLUT.”

HA HA HA AWESOME! Go back to pacing your house day and night muttering creepy slutshamey insults about a woman who barely gives you a second thought, you’ve definitely won this round Lisa!!!

After lunch, Victoria’s got some Actual Normal Human Being Business to attend to: Her long-lost half-sister has flown from the UK to Singapore so they can meet for the first time.

They instantly get on, hugging and laughing as they form the beginnings of a sisterly bond. It’s so wholesome you almost expect the producers to send Athena barging in to throw a drink and call everyone fat.

Victoria suggests the pair get a drink to break the ice — she’s hankering for one of her beloved Skinny Bitch cocktails.

“That’s what I drink!” says Lucy.

OMG VICTORIA’S DELIGHTED LITTLE FACE WHEN SHE LEARNS THIS:

Later that night, Victoria brings Lucy out to meet the rest of the Housewives, because I guess Victoria suddenly hates her sister now?

“They’re all a bit crazy, they all scream and yell, and you can leave any time,” she warns Lucy.

As they welcome the nervous newbie into their tribe, Athena can’t resist one jab:

“I can see the similarities in their faces, they’re obviously related, and it must be unfortunate to find out that your sister is Victoria,” she says with a smirk.

Despite Victoria’s plea that they all stay on their best behaviour, it’s mere minutes before Athena and Lisa start to scream at each other from across the table. Lucy looks DEEPLY uncomfortable, a civilian caught in the crossfire of a nonsensical Housewives war. She does all anyone can do when Athena and Lisa have at it — desperately gulps on her cocktail while staring off into the middle distance.

“You’ve put poison in my ear from day one,” Lisa shrieks across the table, then, when Athena tries to defend herself: “WILL YOU SHUT THE F**K UP! You are a f**king Grade A c**t from central casting!”

Athena and Lisa both stamp off to separate corners of the bar — Athena so pulsating with rage she attempts to lift a coffee table off the ground. VERY NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.

“I HAVEN’T DONE’D ANYTHINK!” she screams at no-one in particular.

Over near the exits, Victoria and Lucy scarper for a quiet drink at another bar. Very wise, ladies.

The next day, Matty, Athena and Krissy head to a spa for a bit of pampering. Athena opts for the “Geisha facial’: “I was a Geisha in another lifetime,” she tells the beauty therapist.

“I was a Japanese man, then after that lifetime I actually came back as a Geisha to be punished for what happened in the previous life as a Japanese man.” We love this ‘reincarnation as cosmic payback for previous bad behaviour’ theory and, following her logic, we look forward to Athena's next life as a charity mugger with chronic halitosis.

Look, nothing much else happens during this spa session but we wanted to include it for this shot of Athena in her Hannibal Lecter beauty mask alone.

That night, the ladies regroup for one final dinner — all except Victoria, who’s hanging out with her sister one-on-one — and play a little game of Truth or Dare. Krissy’s asked by the others to tell a story about a former lover she’d love to revisit.

“Can we rein it down to countries? Do you want to go Italy, Greece, Lebanon?” she chuckles.

Lisa looks on in horror.

“Can you finally see what I’m talking about? Krissy’s vagina is like the United Nations of vaginas. It welcomes everyone of every colour, every creed,” she says, disgust palpable.

Unlike your One Nation-founding husband, hey babes?

There’s one thing that’ll distract Lisa from her seething obsession with Krissy’s vag: Her new Athena feud. She starts picking at that particular scab from across the table, calling Athena a “f**ken gobby cow.” Pretty soon, the screaming starts.

“You’re a F**KING LIAR and I F**KING HATE YOU and you are a F**KING EVIL SUCCUBUS!” screams Lisa.

And then, literally moments later: “I love Athena, I will always love Athena.”

Then they cuddle and tell each other they love each other. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THESE TWO, WERE THEY SNIFFING GLUE IN THEIR HOTEL ROOM.

They may have just made up, but Lisa says she’s still “so hurt” by Athena’s behaviour. “And usually I forget about things in about five minutes and don’t hold a grudge,” insists the woman who earlier admitted she spends 90% of her home life to plotting another woman’s downfall.

Next week: The ladies go to some sort of sexy pyjama swingers party and Melissa performs an acoustic set (!) to an audience of approximately eight bemused onlookers at a local fair? Plus Athena and Lisa attempt to stage an “intervention” with Victoria = disaster.

The Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. Check back after each episode for our full recap — in the meantime, chat all things Housewives with recapper and f**king Grade-A c**t from Central Casting Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.