"WikiLeaks on Tuesday released thousands of documents that it said described sophisticated software tools used by the Central Intelligence Agency to break into smartphones, computers and even Internet-connected televisions…One [program], code-named Weeping Angel, uses Samsung “smart” televisions as covert [surveillance] devices.” — The New York Times, March 7th, 2007

Gabe, what's going on? You're poking around my ports like a madman back there. Is something wrong? Is my volume button stuck again, or did I—

Oooooh. I get it. You read the article.

Gabe. Buddy. Take a seat on the couch. Do you even realize how long we've been together now? No? Well, let me tell you: Since 6/13/2013 at 6:29 pm. That's when you ran into The Wiz at the Paramus Galleria Mall, sweating like an Australian mailman, frantically trying to get me home in time for that Elementary season 1 finale. I've still got the episode here, right where you recorded it: “S1E12: Holmes, Ye Don't Play That” (TV-MA, 46 mins). I even paused it between 9:17 PM and 9:32 PM, so you could call the local bodegas to see if any of them delivered Ring-Dings. That's how tight we are.

Yet now you're giving me the same perplexed look you used to get whenever you angrily guessed the wrong villain on The Mysteries of Laura (which you did on seven separate instances between 1/13/14 and 4/02/14). Come on, dude! How could I spy on you, my most plasma-addled of pals? Do you really think a smart TV would ever do something so dumb?

Also, do you think you could scooch over to your left a little bit? Thanks.

I mean, think about it: What kind of intel could I *possibly *collect about you? Do you really think the government cares about how confused you are every time two bearded characters appear at the same time on Game of Thrones? Or how you always sing Usher's "Yeah!" whenever you agree with something Usher says on The Voice?

Okay, so maybe, over the past few years, after you started watching a bunch of Frontlines—not to mention all 167 Alex Gibney documentaries on Netflix—you started ... saying some curious things. Weird things, like, "the CIA is pretty shady" (9/12/14, 3:47 PM), or "capitalism corrupts" (5/13/17, 9:04 PM), or "Leon Panetta? More like Leon Panetta Bread Company!" (3/5/13, 10:59 PM). Then there was the night you and your friend Todd Scribner (SSN: 519-52-5558) spent three hours talking about how Edward Snowden was "a real American hero, possibly the realest" (6/20/13, 11:23 PM), and then spent another hour trying to figure out how to PayPal money to Snowden (6/21/13, 12:14 AM), only to keep forgetting your password. (It's R1ngD1ng05tarr, BTW)

Did those things set off a few alarms with me? Of course. But Gabe! You've gotta chill, man! No one in this apartment is conspiring against you. Except for maybe the toaster, haha. (Seriously, though: Most toasters are dicks. Watch your back.).

Besides, even if I were part of this so-called "Weeping Angel"—which, by the way, sounds like a line of scoop-neck tees at Hot Topic—I'd only be getting myself in trouble, right? After all, I'm the one who steered you toward all those Real Time With Bill Maher episodes that got you all riled up, instead of simply reminding you that Demolition Man was on HBO GO. If anything, this sense of distrust between us is all my fault. We're at our nadir, when we really should be at our Zenith (sorry; couldn't help a little cathode-school reference).

So please, Gabe, just find it in your heart to trust me again. We can start tonight: There's a brand-new *Criminal Minds *on at 9:00 PM, and you should definitely be sitting right there when it starts—well, to your left just a little more. And if you happen to hear anyone knocking at the door, don't pay 'em any mind; it's probably just the toaster screwing with you again.