10 Commandments of Dating in LA for thou MEN





1) If thou has been texting a girl for more than two weeks, thou shall ask the lady on a date, for if not, thou is a 13 year old middle schooler who’s balls have not yet dropped and she will move on to a real man with balls who have been dropped.

2) If thou asks a woman out on a date thou shall do the following:

i. Ask thou woman what kind of food she likes

ii. Go to www.google.com or www.yelp.com & find a restaurant that is close in location to thou woman

iii. Pick up the phone and dial thou number of the restaurant

iv. Ask to make a reservation for two people at the restaurant

v. Hang up the Phone

vi. Call/Text thou woman “I made a reservation at 8:00 pm on Friday at (Insert Restaurant), I’ll see you there, looking forward to it”

3) When thou chooses the restaurant think about thou parking situation for thou lady, as she will not want to walk more than 10 minutes in heels. Offer to pay for Valet her.

4) When thou takes a woman out thou should not dress like a homeless person who has not shaved in 3 weeks and looks like thou lives in the underpass of the 101, as clarification thou should not wear the following:

i. Sweats

ii. Plaid shirt

iii. Tennis Shoes/Crocs/Sandals

iv. Shorts

v. T shirt

5) Instead thou shall wear attire corresponding to the demeanor of the restaurant, such as:

i. Suit

ii. Dress shoes

iii. A nice collared shirt

iv. Nice Slacks

v. Good smelling cologne

6) Thou shall compliment thou lady on how beautiful she is, for she put at least 40 minutes into preparing for thou date while you probably only put in 20.

7) Before starting your meal always ask her if she would like a glass of wine or a cocktail, then follow up by asking what looks good to her on the menu, for it is all about her on the first date.

8) Ask thou lady questions about herself rather than talk about yourself the whole time, ask questions such as:

i. What do you do?

ii. Where are you from?

iii. What’s your passion?

iv. Tell me about your family.

v. What are some of your hobbies?

vi. What’s your biggest aspiration?

vii. What are you looking for in a man

9) When thou check arrives even though thou lady may offer to spilt the bill, thou NEVER accept thou offer. You are a gentleman and you asked thou lady out, thus you quickly grab the check when it arrives and pay for it in full. If you ask thou lady to spilt or pay the bill that is the ultimate boner killer for her and she will never go out with you again. For you not paying the bill is almost as bad as taking her to McDonald’s and at that point she would probably fuck Ronald McDonald over you.

10) At the end of the date you offer to walk thou lady to her car and bid her farewell with a kiss on the cheek, or perhaps a kiss on the lips depending on thou chemistry between you two. Thou does not ask to “Chill” or “Hangout” after the date, for she is a grown woman, not one of your bros that comes over to play Halo, drink pale ale beer, and play Fantasy Football while simultaneously playing with each other’s dicks.

If thou completes these ten commandments, thou will be successful on seeing thou lady for a second and maybe third date and ultimately achieving your greatest desire in life: Getting Laid. You may even develop feelings while you’re at it, what a foreign concept that is!

Written By: Lauren Elsner