I’m a thoroughly modern man who is an unabashed feminist ally and a hardcore respecter of women. No one respects women more than me, believe me. That’s why I always make sure to introduce my girl as my main bitch.

I proudly introduce my girl as my main bitch wherever we go, so she feels honored and revered like the princess she is. My friends and I refer to her as “the bitch” since, as a woman, we all hold her in such high esteem.

Over the last couple months, though, I actually started catching feelings for this little hoe, which is a big no-no, but I decided to introduce her to my mother to make the main bitch designation official. I never introduced any bitch, side or main, to my mom, so this was a special moment.

“Mom, I’d like you to meet my main bitch,” I said somewhat trepidatiously, “you know, the one I was telling you about who used to be one of my side hoes.”

“Oh yes! It’s so great to meet you now that you’ve graduated from side bitch,” my mother kindly shook her hand. “Jonathon has told me so much about you. I’m sure you’ll make a lovely main bitch.”

Standing nearby, my own dear father congratulated me, padded me on the back and said, “Son, she’s a way finer piece of ass than all them other side pieces you’ve been fucking with.”

As my mother went to grab us some drinks, I turned to my girl and said, “You ain’t no side bitch no more, bitch, you my main bitch now.” She blushed and kissed me softly on the lips.

I may just make this little hoe my forever bitch.