WINOOSKI – The once proud flagship of the local satire scene, The Winooski was declared officially irrelevant this week after it was convicted of not being a podcast. Even worse, the wildly popular site did not even attempt to convert itself to a podcast at any time over the past three years. Readers are understandably angry and are looking for answers from the beloved website that doesn’t even have the decent to have an app.

“I just don’t get it,” said one former fan. “I mean, they want us to read words? Like, with our eyes? I only read with my ears. Everybody does that, right? Except videos. I turn the sound off on those and listen to them with my eyes like a normal person.”

The dominance of the podcast continues to grow, as more than half of the US population has now listened to at least one, and the number of available episodes has almost doubled in the past year. Meanwhile, the decline of intelligent debate combined with the inability to discern what is true has caused a sharp decline in the social stock of The Winooski.

“Look, I swear, we’re working on like three different podcast ideas right now,” claimed proven liar and founder of The Winooski Adam Hall. “If you just keep reading our site regularly for now, we’ll launch some sort of podcast eventually, I promise! If I’d known you people wanted me to just read the articles to you, I would have started one a long time ago!”

Hall promised that, as soon as he googled “how to start a podcast,” he would set up an exploratory committee to investigate possible themes for a potential podcast in a desperate bid to stay relevant.

“I hardly have time to write the site as it is,” Hall whined. “You know this isn’t actually my job, right? And now I’m supposed to add more features? Maybe there’s an app for that. Does Siri make podcasts for people? I’m all in, as long as it doesn’t create any more work for me or my staff. Which is me. You can add it to my Christmas list. Instant podcast kit. Top of the list, right next to the return of adventurous American intellectualism and the Frozen 2 soundtrack.”