WASHINGTON—Expressing its concern that the fixation had grown “a little out of control,” the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution reported Thursday that it was pretty creeped out by how obsessed Americans are with it. “At first, the constant attention was flattering, but at this point, it’s starting to get kind of weird,” said the legal statute ratified in 1791, explaining how unsettling it was to hear U.S. citizens talking about it all the time and see all the comments written about it online. “Look, I understand that I’m a constitutional amendment and there’s a lot of admiration that comes with that, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely worship me this way. It’s not healthy. Maybe try to find something else to focus on—there are other amendments, too, you know? The 17th Amendment is great.” The Second Amendment later admitted how relieved it was to be protected from “all the psychos out there” by a 3/8-inch-thick pane of bulletproof glass.

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