Please stop. (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler/metro.co.uk)

I have never wanted to have kids.

I find babies scary (they’re just so delicate). I don’t think I’m the motherly type. And when I picture my life, a child isn’t included.

When I mention this in passing the reaction is nearly always the same.

The person I’m telling will ask how old I am (23 at the mo, but my birthday’s coming up), and when I tell them, they’ll reply: ‘oh, well, you’ll change your mind.’


There’s some variation. Sometimes the ‘you’ll change your mind’ is said with a smile. Sometimes it’s dismissive. Occasionally it’s coupled with getting berated for being ‘selfish’, or asked if I’m worried about dying alone or not having a purpose.*



*While we’re on this topic, please also don’t tell child-free people that they’re selfish or without purpose. That’s awful.

But to be clear, however it’s said, this question is not bloody okay.

(Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro)

Yes, I’ll admit that it’s possible that I might one day change my mind about having children. People change and grow, and much like I never thought I’d go to a professional hugger or be in a relationship with someone I had to fly eight hours to see, it’s possible that I’ll end up becoming a person who wants kids.

It’s possible that one day, my biological clock will whir into motion and start aggressively ticking.

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But it’s also just as possible that I’ll quit my job and decide to become a footballer, despite the fact that I really, really hate football, or that I’ll suddenly become exclusively attracted to men with hair dyed fluorescent green.

These things are all possible, sure. But considering my personality and the life I’ve led up to this point, they feel pretty unlikely.

And you know who best knows the likelihood of all of these things happening? Me. Because I’m the person whose life choices we’re talking about here. So it’d be very strange for someone to tell me – with a high level of certainty – that I’m actually wrong about myself and that one day, I’ll definitely be a footballer married to a man with fluorescent green hair and have a baby on the way.

Now, to be fair, I get why people would want to tell me I’ll change my mind about having babies (more so than the other super fun suggestions I’ve proposed).

(Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

We’ve evolved to want kids. We’re all biologically programmed to want to reproduce. Not wanting kids is against nature.

Having kids is the ‘normal’, ‘natural’ choice, so I totally understand that people might find it difficult to believe that someone doesn’t want to do it.

But that absolutely does not give someone the right to tell me – and other women who say they don’t plan to have children – that they’ll change their mind.



When you tell someone that they’ll change their mind about having children, you are being patronising and judgmental. You are telling them that they don’t know their own mind, that they aren’t old enough to know what they want, and that every woman has to want kids – it’s just a matter of time before they realise.

When you tell someone that they’ll change their mind, you’re implying that not wanting kids is the wrong choice. That someone who doesn’t want kids can’t have possibly come to an informed decision. That they’re just confused, immature, and soon they’ll come to their senses.

(Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro)

When you tell me I’ll change my mind, you’re placing my biology above everything else, as if there’s no possible way that other parts of me – my mind, my personality, my life experiences – could be as important in my decision to have a child as my biological clock.

Which is also straight up sexist, might I add. Ever noticed that men who don’t want kids aren’t told they’ll change their mind? Perhaps it’s because it’s not inconceivable for a man to be anything more than a baby-maker.

I would never ask a person who said they wanted children whether they were sure.

I wouldn’t tell a pregnant woman that they might ‘change their mind’.

I wouldn’t reel off anecdotes about my friend who always wanted kids and then decided against it.


You know, because that would be entirely inappropriate and incredibly rude.

(Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

Someone’s reasons for choosing not to have children, just like someone’s reasons for deciding they would like to get pregnant, are personal and their own.

That person may have issues preventing them from having children, and they may have decided not to try as a result. Perhaps they have traits that they don’t want to pass on to their kids, or that they feel would make them a bad parent. Or maybe they just value other things more highly than reproducing, and having a child simply isn’t the right choice for them.

It’s entirely up to each individual person if they decide to have children.

And to be clear, it’s their decision. Not their body’s decision. Not their biological clock’s decision. And not a decision that only those over an ‘appropriate’ age can make.

If someone tells you that they don’t plan to have children, your response shouldn’t be ‘you’re wrong’, in the form of ‘you think that now, but one day you won’t.’

It should be respect, acceptance, and maybe a non-judgemental follow-up question if you’re having a nice chat. Basically, the exact same thing you’d expect if you told someone you want children one day.

I’m tired of being made to feel that my opinions on whether I will or will not have children isn’t valid, simply because I’m young, I’m a woman, and because having kids is the ‘normal’ thing to do.


Please, stop telling me I’ll change my mind.

Maybe I will.** Who knows. But shockingly, your opinion on my biological clock won’t be the thing to change my mind.

**But really, probably not. Babies are terrifying.

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