About two years ago Justin Ritchie got me into reading again by letting me borrow some really interesting books. Since then, I’ve never stopped. I reread Jurassic Park for the first time when I could actually comprehend it, and I’m thoroughly convinced that its much better than the movie, as is usually the case. (By the way, I just finished Crichton’s Next and thought it was terrible. Don’t waste your time.)

I know I know, “Jason where are you going with this?”

Well, as I searched my Summerfield residence for books to read, I came across an old book from my childhood: National Geographic Picture Atlas of Our Universe by Roy A. Gallant. It’s an astronomy book, and I remember finding the Universe fascinating and developing a deep sense of appreciation for it.

It’s full of great factual, but somewhat outdated (Pluto’s a planet) information on everything from the beginnings of our planet to the depths of deep space.

There’s one section that puzzled me this past weekend when I took a look at it though. It’s a section called “What if…” and in this section we’re treated to glimpses of what life on other planets in our solar system would look like if they existed. Each creature is named quite literally and illustrated beautifully, but somewhat creepy. Let’s start with Mars…

On Mars we find the Martian Waterseeker, whose parasol tail guards it from the UV ray, long snout can probe for ice, and giant EARS allow hearing well and can serve as a shelter for the cold, frigid nights on Mars…

Now let’s take a trip to the icy moon of Jupiter, Europa, where Brinker-roos spend their days skating around without worry. Lame name aside, life as a ‘roo must be pretty sweet, they get all their energy from magnetic coils on their back and photosynthesis. Did I mention they have blades for feet?

Let’s head over to Jupiter itself…where Jellyblimps live their lives in constant fear of Swordtails, evil bird-like creatures that get their kicks from dive-bombing defense floating blobs of jelly. Look at that carnage! What type of life is this…you’re born, you float, you get blown up by a bird with a lame name.

Now to the fun stuff. I’ll quickly show you the lame Plutonian Zistles, highly intelligent spiked ice cubes who communicate telepathically and springing 20 meters into the air. Gallant must think humans are pretty stupid if he thinks there’s ice cubes smarter than us out there…

Now I’ll conclude with the two entries that make me say, “someone got paid for this?!” Here we’ve got two creatures, one from Venus and one from Saturn’s Titan. The first, the Oucher-poucher gets its name from the sound it makes as it lands on the hot surface after flying through the air, presumably by farting as the picture shows…

And of course, more farting from the Stovebellies of Titan. Yes, they seem to have rocket-powered asses. Those red creatures? They’re half fish, half salamander. They’re name…Fishimanders of course.

So thank you Roy A Gallant. You brought us three wonderful creatures that seem to fly by farting…truly astounding.

Until next time…