DOVER, DE—Telling his only trick-or-treater to “hang tight a sec while Uncle Joe scares up some Halloween goodies,” former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly disappeared and returned 10 minutes later with a warm can of GT Cola, sources confirmed Friday. “Here ya go, bud. Thought I could hook you up with a spare ramen flavor packet, but I must’ve gotten a mean case of the munchies—didn’t bargain on any other visitors when I left on the porch light for my main squeeze,” said Biden, cautioning the child that she might want to give the rim a quick rinse first, since the garage fridge where he found the soda can was “kind of on the blink.” “That’s a badass little getup you’re sportin’ there. Reminds me of the time I caught Poison’s ’86 Halloween show dressed as a California Raisin. I don’t remember jack except ending the night with a naughty nurse I met backstage, though I coulda saved myself a fat lip if I knew she was banging Bret Michaels, too.” According to sources, Biden then darted back into his house after remembering he had just bought a “shit-ton” of caramel edibles.

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