866 views

Poor Adolph is on shift, but has to quickly come to terms with the fact that EMS isn't what he hoped.

00:00 - 00:03 Sir, we just received a call from dispatch.

00:04 - 00:05 Apparently the rural ER has

00:05 - 00:07 several patients needing transported tonight.

00:08 - 00:12 A psyche eval, a labor patient,

00:12 - 00:15 and a child with appendicitis.

00:17 - 00:19 Ok, we have several BLS crews

00:19 - 00:21 who will get valuable experience on these runs.

00:24 - 00:26 Sir....

00:27 - 00:28 the ER....

00:31 - 00:33 They want them all to go ALS.

00:34 - 00:36 You're the only paramedic on tonight.

00:53 - 00:58 All EMT-Bs with less than one year experience, leave the room.

01:13 - 01:15 WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED!?!

01:15 - 01:17 I WENT THROUGH MEDIC SCHOOL FOR THIS!?

01:18 - 01:23 SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING NEEDS ADVANCED LIFE SUPPORT NOW?

01:25 - 01:28 IT WASN'T THIS WAY WHEN I WAS AN EMT! I GUESS NOW ALL

01:29 - 01:31 THEY CAN DO IS RELEASES AND KEEP

01:31 - 01:34 THE STATION BEDS WARM AT NIGHT!

01:34 - 01:37 WHILE I TAKE EVERY GODDAM HANGNAIL AND STUBBED TOE

01:37 - 01:40 TO THE TRAUMA CENTER 65 MILES AWAY!

01:40 - 01:42 But sir they said the kid had a "hot appy."

01:42 - 01:46 FUCK OFF! THAT'S A DUMB BUZZWORD TO MAKE IT SOUND MORE SERIOUS!

01:46 - 01:48 But the woman, she is 2 centimeters dilated

01:48 - 01:52 A CAVEMAN CAN DELIVER A BABY, I KNOW THIS BECAUSE

01:53 - 01:54 THEY FUCKING DID IT!!!

01:56 - 01:57 IT'S THESE SON OF A BITCH DAYTIME

01:57 - 02:00 LAWYERS WHO HAVE MADE IT SO THAT A PATIENT

02:00 - 02:03 CAN'T TAKE A DUMP UNLESS I AM THERE

02:04 - 02:08 TO MONITOR AND DOCUMENT IT!

02:08 - 02:13 MEANWHILE ALL THIS DOES IS MAKE THE EMTS THINK THEY NEED TO CALL A MEDIC IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY

02:14 - 02:16 HAVE A HEADACHE, BECAUSE MAYBE ITS A STROKE INSTEAD!!!

02:17 - 02:21 CHRIST ALMIGHTY THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!

02:27 - 02:29 AND LET ME GUESS, THEY NEED A MEDIC FOR

02:30 - 02:34 THE PSYCHE RUN SO I CAN GIVE THEM 300MG OF A HUG? BECAUSE THE PSYCH HOSPITAL

02:34 - 02:36 WON'T ACCEPT THEM WITH ANY REAL SEDATIVES!!!

02:41 - 02:42 I SAW THE SUN RISE, THEN SET,

02:43 - 02:47 THEN RISE AGAIN LAST SHIFT FROM THE BACK OF THE TRUCK!!!

02:48 - 02:53 I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY KEEPING MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS IN BUSINESS

02:54 - 02:56 I HELD AN OLD MAN'S DICK LAST WEEK

02:56 - 02:59 SO HE COULD PISS GOING DOWN THE ROAD

03:00 - 03:02 RESCUE 911 NEVER HAD AN EPISODE LIKE THAT!

03:04 - 03:07 All our patients are on dialysis and don't make urine.

03:14 - 03:16 I remind myself when dispatch calls,

03:19 - 03:23 "do no harm."....God help us all though if I get a bariatric run later.

03:25 - 03:26 Or a pseudo-seizure.

03:31 - 03:33 Or someone "allergic" to Nitro

03:40 - 03:46 At night I have a reoccurring dream of strapping myself with dynamite, walking into the ER and shouting

03:46 - 03:49 "HOT APPY ABOUT TO BLOW!"