It all started 53 muthafuckin years ago, back when I was a gangbangin' straight-up grown lil boy...

One day, while I was jumpin all up in tha street, I happened upon a big-ass vehicle, which clobbered mah crazy ass violently tha fuck into a nearby window fo' realz. Afta gettin mah bearings, I looked up ta peep a lil' pimp wit a Gameboy Advizzle SP Blue Edizzle up in his cold-ass tiny lil hands. I had always dreamed of ownin a Gameboy Advizzle SP Blue Edizzle yo, but mah crew could barely even afford Gold...

Dude looked up all up in mah grill wit dem big, vibratin eyes yo. His two lower teeth quivered up in mad drama. "Muh, mahma," da perved-out muthafucka holla'd softly.

This was mah chizzle biaaatch! I ran at his ass beatboxin n' stompin mah feet, scramblin his dome up in sheer mad drama. I shoved his ass as hard as I could n' grabbed his Gameboy Advizzle SP Blue Edition, n' I ran up tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I leaped back down tha street towardz mah home. I pulled open tha door by its big, smelly handle n' I let mah dirty ass up in on tha fuckin' down-lowly. I snuck past mah nuff muthafathas n' shut mah dirty ass tha fuck into mah room. I had made dat shit. Finally, a Gameboy Advizzle SP ta booty-call mah own. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I'ma gotta keep it hidden from mah crew. I shouldn't eva allow dem ta know...

I took tha Gameboy SP up in mah small, dope hands, n' proceeded ta slide tha switch ta "ON" mode. I aint NEVER gonna forget dat straight-up dope sound it made tha last time I turned it on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. And dat straight-up dope Nintendo logo splashed mah screen up in sheer delight. I blew up mah candle, n' I pulled mah curtain shut tight. I wanted straight-up not a god damn thang ta git up in tha way of mah first Gameboy Advanced SP Blue Edizzle experience.

Suddenly, a lil' small-ass playa rocked up on-screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shortly after, tha word "Mario" started flashin behind his muthafuckin ass. I assume dis playa is tha playa known as "Mario". I had peeped adverts showin his ass on televizzle. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da title of tha screen slowly lowered itself up in from tha top of tha screen.

"Supa Mario... n' tha legend of tha Jacked Gameboy Advanced SP, Blue Edition"?!

My fuckin hart sank... as I noticed a thugged-out dead pixel up in tha lower left region of tha screen.

"Beggars can't be chizzlers," I thought ta mah dirty ass, however, n' I pressed tha start button wit mah Feenge.

A vast landscape wit clouds, bushes, n' bricks rocked up before mah straight-up eye fo' realz. And there da thug was. Da familiar "Mario" playa I had grown ta enjoy.

I pushed left on tha left button. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Mario his dirty ass dashed ta tha left. Dust between his wack-ass brown Nikes filled tha air fo' realz. Amazed by his speed, I quickly pushed right ta test his cold-ass turnin abilities. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! I was not pissed tha fuck off, as Mario chizzled direction up in a matta of seconds. I hustled tha other button functions as I played...

'B' allowed Mario ta dash at high speeds, similar ta mah own. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. 'A' allowed his ass ta leap so high up in tha sky dat I screamed up in fear that, like, maybe da thug wouldn't come back down... Yet he always did, which engaged mah crazy ass up in tha game-world even further n' shit. I quickly grasped tha conceptz of jumpin big-ass gaps, gittin tha fuck aaway from enemies, n' climbin a funky-ass big, big-ass flagpole all up in tha end of each level.

I gots ta tha fourth level without much problems. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is. I looked tha fuck into a nearby mirror n' smiled at mah dirty ass wit one eyebrow raised n' I holla'd loudly, "Do dis game be thinkin I aint good, biatch? I can handle anythang it throws mah way dawwwwg! Ahhh huhaaaaa! Auuhhh..."

Suddenly, tha screen turned black.. fo' realz. And I don't just mean black, I mean so black... Da screen looked like a funky-ass big, deep, deep hole.

I holla'd up loud, "Is dis a hole I peep before me son?" n' it echoed, like a hole...

I wiped a big-ass chunk of sweat from mah floppin brow. "That was weird," I thought up in a funky-ass big-ass bubble next ta mah head.

Da level loaded yo, but dis time it took a shitload longer n' shit. Mario stood up in place so I pushed right n' his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started hustlin. I noticed tha graphics was gettin all jumbly fo' realz. Also, tha noize was becomin less like tha Mario theme, DA DA DAH DUH DA DAH DUH!, n' mo' garbled, like BRRPP BRPP BRUPP BRR BRUM BRADDAH!!!

I was nearin tha straight-up original gangsta gap of tha stage ta jump over n' shiznit fo' realz. As I drew closer, I readied mah sweating, pink thumb over tha 'A' button. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da gap was here biaaatch! I pushed tha button yo, but Mario didn't jump.. yo. Dude just screamed.

"HO!"

I pushed left as far as I could n' he grounded ta a halt, right all up in tha edge of tha gap. I pushed 'A' frantically n' repeatedly ta try n' make his ass jump yo, but he just screamed n' screamed.

"HA HO!"

Da camera zoomed up in on mah grill as I pummel dat 'A' button, tryin ta make Mario fill dat air above his body yo, but all dat filled tha air was mah playa Marioz screamz of fear.

I holla'd, "No more!"

I pulled tha cartridge from tha Gameboy Advizzle SP n' I threw it up mah window. Well shiiiit, it landed up in some mud outside n' I laughed n' I closed mah window. I turned around.. fo' realz. And I saw dat tha cartridge was back up in mah Gameboy... Mud oozed from itz cartridge slot.

I gasped n' I holla'd ta mah dirty ass, "Nooo... Well shiiiit, it can not be!"

Da gameboy turned itself back on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Marioz grill rocked up wit hyperrealistic skin pores n' bloody chapped lips.

Dude was rappin softly, "Yo ass stole me from mah human... Now I, Mario of Nintendo of Tha Ghetto Incorporated, curse you forever!"

I screamed aloud, louder than a eagle of tha night, "There must be someway ta undo dis curse!"

I decided tha only way ta rid mah dirty ass from dis curse was ta beat tha game. I ran up ta tha straight-up original gangsta gap of tha level. I pushed 'A' n' Mario just screamed again.

"HO!"

I fell tha fuck into tha hole n' Mario lost a game. This is when I noticed mah skin fuckin started ta rot n' turn slightly green.

"What on Ghetto is happening, Mario?" I axed Mario.

""Every game you lose, I'ma make you rot son! Haah haah huah!"

I asked, "How tha fuck can I beat tha game wit only screams, biatch? I cannot jump gaps by screaming!"

"Fuck you, biatch..." Mario holla'd on tha fuckin' down-lowly.

I screamed.

"H O A H !"

I decided NOT ta beat tha game up in fear of me rotting! I decided dat I was goin ta do tha right thang. I ran outta mah room pushin mah feeble mutha outta mah way up in tha hallway. I ran down tha street ta tha boyz house. Thunder bellowed n' drizzle pitter-pattered on mah bustin up like a biatch face. Finally, I reached tha house. I leaped up ta tha boyz window n' let mah dirty ass in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da room was dark.

"Boy?!" I cried out. "Boy, is you there?"

I turned on tha light switch fo' realz. As tha room lit up, I saw nuff playas dressed up in black... They all cried softly.

"Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck tha flip is you people," I axed wit tears hustlin down mah chinny-chin-chin.

"We is dis boyz crew," a biatch replied, "I was his crazy-ass mother..."

Bitch pointed tha fuck into tha centa of tha room where a small, white coffin was suspended over a hole. My fuckin ass sank.

"Is yo' pimp inside dat box?" I axed wit a eyebrow raised n' a gangbangin' finger on mah chin.

"Yes, a cold-ass lil crazed thug broke tha fuck into our home, ravaged our lil hustla n' stole his childhood by cappin' his muthafuckin ass."

Everythang went slow. I dropped ta mah knees. I held tha gameboy tightly up in mah clenched fist. "Could dis be MY fault?" I axed mah dirty ass politely.

His mutha strutted over ta me wit a funky-ass big, fat tear up in her eye. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch holla'd at me, "it straight-up means a shitload dat a stranger would let his dirty ass tha fuck into our home ta pay respects ta a funky-ass pimp da ruffneck didn't give a fuck. I be shizzle you two would've gotten along pimped out." Biatch then pointed ta tha priest n' holla'd, "Please lower our lil pimp tha fuck into tha Ghetto NOW."

Da priest did just dis shiznit yo. Dude pulled on a lever wit a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shiny red bizzle on dat shit. Da coffin started goin down!

I shoved tha mutha from mah n' I sprinted toward tha coffin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I jumped on dat coffin n' tha ropes snapped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I fuckin started fallin tha fuck into tha Ghetto wit tha lil pimp inside. I heard tha screams from his crew echoin above.

I pried open tha coffin as we fell tha fuck n' I shoved tha gameboy tha fuck into his cold-ass tiny, cold grill. "Jacked mah crazy ass of dis curse, child!" I screamed all up in tha top of my... head.

I noticed dat we weren't hittin tha bottom, n' dat tha darknizz up in dis hole reminded mah crazy ass of tha dark I saw up in tha Gameboy. Could dis be what tha fuck I saw before?

From tha darkness, a gangbangin' floating, black n' white head of Mario rocked up. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude holla'd ta me, "In dis hole, you shall fall wit tha dead body of a cold-ass lil lil pimp hommie! Huaaah hah..." n' then he Gaussian blurred away...

"This is what tha fuck I git fo' jackin, I guess," I holla'd as I shrugged.

Suddenly, Mario rocked up again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude holla'd, "Wow... Well shiiiit, it soundz like you hustled yo' lesson. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass n-now be free... Bye." Dude clicked his... mustache n' I was back up in mah room!

I looked over on mah bed n' tha Gameboy Advizzle SP Blue Edizzle was gone!

My fuckin mutha opened tha door n' her big-ass booty holla'd, "My fuckin son! My fuckin dope son! I make you eggs on toast," n' dat dunkadelic hoe threw it on mah bed n' left wit a smile on her face.

I-I-r... I realized... maybe jackin not aiiight. I looked ta tha sky n' I holla'd, "Nuff props, Mario inside Gameboy..."

Everythang would be aiiiight fo' realz. And though tha lil pimp remained permanently dead, his crazy-ass mutha could always play his Gameboy Advizzle SP Blue Edizzle ta remember his ass by.