Meet “Lonesome George,” the last known example of the Pinta Island Tortoise, the rarest endangered animal in the world, with only “George” left. That we know about. The species was considered to have become totally extinct, until 1971 when this last specimen was sighted by rangers, who are desperately trying to find a mating female. they have even posted a $10,000 reward for that Turtle-ophile still holding out on us with the Pinta Island Tortoise in their personal collection. Hello, Michael Jackson Estate, we’re looking at you. To be honest, I have no idea if MJ used to own one, but he did try to buy John “The Elephant Man” Merrick’s skeleton, so who knows.

“Lonesome George” is estimated to be between 60-100 years old, likes long, long, long, long, long, long walks on the beach, and dislikes “fake types.” A romantic lettuce-eater just looking to meet that ‘special someone” who will coax him out of his shell and into the Galapagos Islands of their heart, George is a pretty special guy who would be a real “keeper” for any hot minx of a Pinta Island Tortoise female. More turtle than you could shake a Lord Howe Island Stick Insect at, for sure!

And what reclusive she-tortoise wouldn’t want to cozy down on scenic Pinta Island (aka Abingdon Island)? It is one of the historic Galapagos Islands, located some 525 nautical miles off the coast of Ecuador? It’s a little bit Ecuadorian Province, a little bit romantic national park, and a whole lotta biological marine reserve. Just perfect to sit back, read Darwin’s Origin of the Species, and hatch a few species-extending eggs, while, in the background, the swallow-tailed gulls, aqua iguanas and fur seals frolic.

Any interested she turtles should check out this video of “turtle porn”:

So, was I right, or was I right? Is “Lonesome George” not a big hunk o’ terrapin you could wrap your scaly legs around. Any serious female Pinta Island Tortoise out there looking to “knock shells” with him should contact him right away. But please… no “fast-ies” need apply.