We have the expert advice from the Geek Gansta of Love over here for your geeky Valentine’s gift list. Why go anywhere else?

Greetings, Earthlings! According to your solar-based calendars, it will soon be the day when you annually mark your celebration of your obscure human mating rituals! This holiday you call “Valentine’s Day” is a time in which you put on displays and exchange trinkets in the hopes of raising a potential mate’s oxytocin levels to sufficient quantities that they will accept you as a breeding partner and subsequently allow you to carry on your genetic information by spawning…

Uhg! That routine gets old quick, doesn’t it? It also excludes non-breeding pairings, so we’ll ditch that whole spiel. Tell you what, here’s the deal-i-o: Your Humble Author has done the geeky Valentine’s gift post gig so many times, it’s a bore now.

But there’s one strength I’ve never capitalized on. This year will mark my 27th anniversary married to the same person. With that kind of mileage, Mrs. Penguin and I have achieved the advanced level where we can cast fireballs and summon dragons through our powers combined. We’ve raised a houseful of kids to pass on our nerdiness, and through it all we’ve gamed together, binged movies together, attended cons and Renaissance Faires together, and maintained the kind of sappy relationship lending itself to public displays that make onlookers puke up their shoes because it’s just so fuzzy-wuzzy cutsey-wootsy.

Why don’t we share our experience with you single youngsters? Not only will we find and list geeky gifts, we’re going to attach a love lesson to each one. There’s a million geek Valentine’s lists out there on the web already. But on the web, how many geek couples are there who have managed to stay together for a quarter of a century? Ha! Top that, Gawker Media! Our marriage has lasted longer than your whole company!

Valentine’s Advice From A 27 Years Love Veteran

Love Is Hell Paperback – March 12, 1986

Lesson #1: Lower Your Expectations

Other couples make it look so easy – why is it so hard for you? The answer to that question is: we’re all bluffing. Love is easy for no life forms above the level of flatworms. Moving down the evolutionary chain from that point, you get praying mantises that bite off each other’s heads, ducks that rape, otters that engage in necrophilia, and it just gets more complicated from there. Humans are dangerous, insecure, irrational beasts and the chief predator of each other, so when two of them manage to call enough of a truce to live peaceably together, accept it for the miracle it is and quit expecting everything to be perfect.

If you doubt this gift qualifies as “geek,” you may not know that Matt Groening is the creator of The Simpsons. Life in Hell was the comic he did first before The Simpsons, and even then he was a hard-boiled brilliant satirist that would have to be diluted down 1000% to be suitable for network television.

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Funko Pop! TV: The Addams Family Morticia and Gomez Black-and-White Vinyl 2-Pack Entertainment Earth Exclusive

Lesson #2: Your Relationship – Your Rules – No Exceptions

Never let anybody else define your relationship for you, EVER! Two (or more, for you poly-people) individuals in union form their own nation, for all the relevance anybody else’s rules have. If you live by society’s rules, you will have boring Barbie-and-Ken sex, have plastic children, and live in a sterilized suburb with no Edward Scissorhands to shake things up. The only definition you should allow is what works between you and makes both your lives a blast. If the private details of your lives together wouldn’t send a Vanilla moral crusader into screaming fits, you’re doing it wrong.

Throughout geek fandom, Gomez and Morticia Addams are celebrated as the perfect couple. We all have a lot to learn from them. Head for their example as role models and never look back.

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Jovitec 14 Pieces Metal Solid Zinc Alloy Game D&D Dices Set Durable Polyhedral Dice with Printed Numbers and Velvet Storage Bags for Game, Dungeons and Dragons, RPG, Math Teaching (B)

Lesson #3: Be A Good Questing Party Together

Too many young folk make the mistake of believing that finding your soul mate is a matter of finding somebody just like you. If you do have the rare opportunity to encounter your near-twin, you’ll learn a fast lesson: Perfect twins make great friends and lousy lovers. There’s no romantic spark; your compatibility is only from the waste up. Then you veer too far into the other falsehood, believing that opposites attract. That is also false: True opposites make enemies and nothing more. The actual truth is that the most successful couples work like a balanced RPG party. A warrior for a cleric. A priest for a warlock. A dual-class paladin-ranger for a dual-class bard-rogue. Your strengths then fill in for each others’ weaknesses, and together your alliance makes you ready for everything life is going to throw at you.

This dice set is a complete, matching set in two tones. Each of you picks a color and sticks with it, charging them with your energy. You’ll be ready for RPG gaming, TCG gaming, or whatever games you make up in the bedroom.

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Poetry Magnets – 536 Horror, Fantasy, SciFi Themed Fridge Word Magnets – Gift Kit for Refrigerator Poems and Stories

Lesson #4: No Relationship Ever Failed From Too Much Communication

One of the most common questions coming in to love advice columns is the questions that begin with “How do I tell my partner…?” Communication is a science, an art, and the most difficult thing you will have to do. But it’s also the most important relationship skill. Being 100% open and honest, unafraid of being judged for your irrational quirks, is how you work everything out. It pays to make a game of it, to communicate on multiple levels. Communicate for the hell of it. Your partner is (presumably) into you for the companionship; be that companion as much as you can. Listen and explore each other’s weird little worlds.

This set of fridge magnets is an excellent little training exercise, for pitching your weirdest thoughts in the common arena we all have, the kitchen. Leave a complicated little riddle for your partner to muse over their morning muffin while you had to leave early for work.

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Cryptozoic Entertainment Mr. Meeseeks’ Box O’ Fun The Rick and Morty Dice Dares Game

Lesson #5: Be Immature Together

Everybody talks about how hard “adulting” is, but nobody ever seems to notice that one of the hardest parts of adulting is maintaining a relationship. That’s why it’s important to nurture each other’s inner child, especially the parts that didn’t get nurtured enough when they were actual children. The pressure of day to day life, with all its responsibility, can crush the soul of Mary Poppins herself. When you see your partner starting to get that broken-down look, that’s your cue to build the blanket fort, put on the pajama onesie, make some hot cocoa, and drag them into the silliest, most distracting diversion you can think of.

As we understand it, Rick & Morty is popular with geek culture for some strange reason. We will have to do more science to understand it. So far, we think it has something to do with Disney fandom through Mulan (1998). Or maybe it’s because Chevy Chase drove Dan Harmon so crazy on the set of Community that he went off and did this. Or maybe Channel 101 is really popular, we dunno. We haven’t gotten around to doing much Rick and Morty here so we’re obligated to milk this one reference for as much as we can. We’d bring it up more often around here if its fan base could behave itself.

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Boutique Academia Serotonin Dopamine and Acetylcholine Neurotransmitter Brain Molecule Necklace – Science Jewelry

Lesson #6: Seduce Their Mind And Their Ass Will Follow

For all you singles who have yet to attract a mate, let me lay out your “Love Potion #9” for you. Here is the big, fat secret recipe for being attractive: BRAINS! Brains give you game. Game gets you laid. What’s the one common element on everybody’s list for an ideal partner? A sense of humor. Humor requires brains. What’s another proven method for landing a date? Confidence. Brains give you confidence. It doesn’t matter what you’re born with, it is scientifically proven that you can train your brain to be smarter. Get out of the gym, get into the library. Ignore that “speed seduction” garbage. Brains do the seducing for you. Third tip down for GQ’s things people look for in a man’s apartment: Books. They want to know there’s a mind to talk to. Having brains in the dating world is like starting life with a +20 to charisma. Mental stimulation is just as important for maintaining a lasting relationship, because nobody wants to grow old and gray with an ignorant grouch.

This necklace is a diagram of brain chemicals important to relationships. Excluding endorphins – for you people who know what that means!

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NOBOSHU Sweatshirt Blanket Oversize Hoodie Blanket- Luxury Reversible Oeko-TEX Sherpa Fleece Blanket with Sleeves and Pockets TV-Blanket for Men, Women, Children (Blue)

Lesson #7: Your Partner’s Comfort Comes First

Hey, guys, you know why she steals your hoodie? Because she’s cold! Of course, we all want to give our partners the most exotic kinky apparel to wear around us because it turns us on, but the gift of crotchless lingerie is really just a gift for yourself, isn’t it? Real love means getting something for your partner that they’d still want even if they were single. Don’t worry, they’ll still get naked when the situation calls for it.

Being a geek seems to involve a great deal of indoor activity time, what between the movies and games. Being geeks together means snuggin’ time on the couch with your phones / tablets / TV / console. Lingerie is for one-night stands. A giant fleece garment is for shacking up for the winter.

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That’s all I can do for you kids, you’re on your own now. Well, I could do more, but I don’t know if the economy can handle the population explosion a couple decades out. Let’s solve global warming first.