Don't try this at home.

In Thursday's "The Trump Files," Mother Jones's continuing series of daily blasts from Donald Trump's past, Max Rosenthal brings us this cheerful reminiscence from Donald Trump Jr. about how his dad taught him to be a man, at the age of four. Donnie Jr. was being interviewed for a 2006 CNBC show called "The Big Idea," and host Donny Deutsch wanted to know how he learned the skills that helped him become a successful real estate mogul in his own right -- you know, the skills other than growing up the son of a maybe-billionaire, at least. "I want the "next-generation billionaire secrets," demanded Deutsch. How can we mere basic cable watching slobs ever hope to become rich and successful? Might be too late for us, but we can at least hope to bring our children up to be paranoid and selfish!

We like the intro with its exciting rock music, hand-held camera and sudden zooms -- very edgy, and not at all dated by the time Wayne's World was made over a decade previously. Bu what an inspirational story!

You know, this is an interesting one. I learned it from my father at a very young age. It's a funny story, because it just goes to show how typical a business guy he is: I used to kiss him before going to school every morning, right? Seven o'clock in the morning, I'm going to school—hugs, kisses, and he used to say a couple things. "No smoking, no drinking, no drugs." I think a great lesson for any kid. But then he followed up with: 'Don't. Trust. Anyone. Ever.' And, you know, he'd follow it up two seconds later with, 'So, do you trust me?' I'd say, 'Of course, you're my dad.' He'd say, 'What did I just—' You know, he thought I was a total failure. He goes, 'My son's a loser, I guess.' Because I couldn't even understand what he meant at the time. I mean, it's not something you tell a four-year-old, right? But it really means something to him, because he knows so many people who've been taken advantage of, whether it's by colleagues -- I'm sure we've all seen that -- but even families. So he's just, he always has his guard up, and it's something really important for business. Someone really always wants what you have, especially when you're on top in the position that he's in. So he's always been very guarded about that.

Huh. Well, that's some pretty brilliant insight into the sort of thing that could require years of therapy in order to establish stable relationships! Hahaha, we are kidding -- other people do not matter because you can't trust them and they will screw you over. Teach your children well!

For once, we don't suspect a Trump is lying. That description of Donald Trump, Dad of the Century, sounds perfectly consistent with the behavior of a man who would completely stop paying for his infant great-nephew's medical care. Who cares that the kid had cerebral palsy and seizures? Trump was angry at his nephew, Fred Trump III, who sued after being cut out of Fred Trump Jr.'s* will. As the Talmud says, we see the world not as it is, but as we are.

So yes, if anyone's an expert on people who've been taken advantage of, it's Donald Trump, the man who drives small businesses into bankruptcy when he doesn't feel like paying his bills, and who cut off a baby's medical care because he was pissed off at the baby's father.

Just imagine what a great dad he might be for All Of America!

*Update/Correction: The original version of this post mixed up the identity of the baby whose health care Donald Trump refused to pay for in a snit. Trump was angry at Fred Trump III, his nephew, after he contested the will of Donald's brother, Fred Trump Jr., which is the perfectly logical reason Trump left the disabled infant without health care. Thanks to the alert commenters who pointed that out! Wonket regrets the error, and deeply regrets sharing a planet with this jerk.

[Mother Jones]