It's time for utter despair, Colorado fans. There is nothing bad about your football team you can say that obeys the laws of physics that is false. I salute you, David A Gerhardt, for having an iron stomach in all possible ways:

55-7 at halftime. I'm a sucker, so I didn't turn the game off in the 2nd quarter when I first thought about doing so. I stayed pat. I kept watching. I must really hate myself. What kind of reasonable person would put themselves through that?

You. Dang. Gamethread ho.

14-0

Does an 84-0 loss convince everyone that this staff is laughably incompetent?

21-0

The game is on pace to be a 168-0 final (after a half of a quarter).

I am leaving to puke. Catch you bitches later.

28-0

LOL I said to my buddies "and here comes the 98 yard touchdown pass"....and then guess what? BOOM.

35-0

This is an insult to the word pathetic

How do you allow two 90+ yard TDs IN THE FIRST ****ING QUARTER???????

That quarter took over an hour

41-0

For some reason I can't stop laughing. I think I'm going ****ing crazy.

**** it, kneel it the rest of the game

On a positive note we have blocked 2 PATs this year.

48-0

OK, who's going to to start the petitions to fire all these mufakas and email the CU admin to quit and turn this program around

48-7

You're down 48-6. Don't ****ing celebrate

55-7

I wonder if a lawsuit by the season ticket holders demanding money back for tickets would catch the attention of Benson and Dedooshano?

62-7

You can't coach speed but you can coach slow

69-7

ESPN Gamecast all of a sudden says "Ford rush 41 yds". I was like, sweet some garbage time easy points. Screen refreshes and it now says "Ford rush for 1 yard". Can this day be more cruel?

69-14

At least we've made it respectable

In the aftermath Colorado wins the race to Hire Jim Tressel 2012:

Two words... JIM TRESSEL

People who don't think that's a good idea have that opinion because they're in Bobby Petrino's corner.

Petrino ****s hot 25 year old blondes on the side and wins football games. Sounds like a winner to me.

A five-year show cause for Tressel is not a problem, man.

It's better than this. I'd take crippling sanctions with Tressel than just being crippled by incompetence.

The guys who think both of those are dumb ideas are advocating for Butch Davis. If Nick Saban got fired after shooting a puppy on national TV, Colorado fans would be demanding his hire. (The problem with this scenario is it proposes Saban getting fired instead of Alabama fans constructing narratives in which the puppy had it coming.)

Meanwhile, in the prediction thread covering Colorado versus Washington State, a team that beat Eastern Washington by four…

Pain, suffering, and frustration. And WSU better have a third digit on the scoreboard just in case.

WSU 70

CU 2

CU 13

WSU 55

rugged and snow, in jail at kick off.

Wazzu 82... Buffs 10....

51-7 Cougs

Wazzu 113

Buffs 0

Thread written before the Fresno game:

Why CU won't go 0-12 I believe CU will go at least 1-11.

Responses pre-Fresno:

You know it's bad when sunshine pumping = predicting one, maybe two, wins.

somebody ate too much lutefisk

Response post-Fresno:

CU will not go 0-12...

...because the football program will fold before the end of the season.

Finally, visitors found this thread by searching for:

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The Cheat Sheet! Dan Rubenstein on Week 3.

I think he might be on the hot seat. Colorado, you've managed to acquire the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. Hold it tightly.

The rest of the week in spleen follows.

ACC

It's three weeks into the season, so it's time for Boston College fans to start wondering when Frank Spaziani will be fired. The preferred answer appears to be "right damn now," but since idiot athletic director* Gene DeFilippo is retiring in the next few months, Spaziani will hang on through the rest of the year. The new guy fires him 10 seconds after BC's season ends, at which point Eagle fans can resume having vague hopes of competence in something other than hockey.

Until then, life as a BC fan:

At 7:35 PM, Knucklehead said... We are completely irrelevant by the way. Look at the Globe sports section today. One story, like five paragraphs, buried in the back around stories about UMASS and Harvard. The Big Ten Network showed the UMASS Michigan game. The game was not on the biggest cable provider in the Hometown market(Boston). We are completely irrelevant and out shadowed in New England by UMASS. Who SUCKS. I'm pissed.

It'll be over soon, guys. Promise.

*[TWISNOTE: The top Google hit for "idiot athletic director" is former Illinois AD Ron Guenther, the man who hired Ron Zook.]

Virginia Tech's season isn't over but they just got throttled by previously-inept Pittsburgh, leaving fans DISAPPOINTED:

And it was Pittsburgh ladies and gentlemen. Those of you who had down UNC will not leave empty-handed. How to feel after Saturday’s loss

Elsewhere The Key Play keeps it together for the most part. I can tell you that this…

Hilarious because I'm sure this is what the Pittsburgh blog looked like last week. I'm sure it's a bit different this week. What have you done for me lately? by VTHoop 31 min 46 sec ago | member since 08/22/2012 | 4 turkey legs

…is not accurate. Pittsburgh blogs were ready to burn the city down as long as it took the Panthers with it. You guys are just annoyed.

Big East

Um… they all won? Nonconference games? isthisreallife.youtube?

USF did go down to Rutgers, proving that B.J. Daniels will always, always, always be B.J. Daniels even if the receivers have to make this happen themselves: the Bulls got completions of 32, 44, and 48 yards as Daniels completed fewer than half his passes and chucked three interceptions. He has been doing this since the late 80s.

React:

Rutgers 23, USF 13: (Screaming Sheep Noise)

I neither know nor want to know anything about what that references. Voodoo Five also has a haiku post in which the first entry is a guy swearing for 17 syllables. This is as entertaining as it sounds.

BONUS BONUS BONUS BULLS FANS!

Skip somehow got a five-year extension in the offseason, and the guy who gave it to him got his own contract extension this week, along with yet another raise and incentives. So get used to all this.

Infighting results and someone's master plan backfires:

Big Ten

Michigan State's newfound status as that program you stick at the end of the top 10 despite not trusting at all has come to an end, just like they all do. (See also: Michigan, Arkansas, Wisconsin). Spartan fans are now picking up the burnt couches, or just ranting at epic length. I sliced out the majority of this:

WHAT DID I WATCH I am completely terrified after witnessing the biggest failure of a game in my whole life.I really cannot even grasp what just happened. Are we really this bad? Is our offense completely non existent? Maxwell has had 3 years and this is what we get? I feel like god hates us. I live for Spartan Football, eat, breathe, sleep Spartan Football. I work overtime in the summer just so I can have enough money for season tickets and I get rewarded with this? What the f--- was that game? 3 points and never crossed their 30? Bell losing all Heisman talk.I felt like a snake bit me in the beginning and slowly but surely the venom ate away at my body. Yeah I know I will get down voted to hell for this but what I saw tonight was not good and the glimpses of all the bad are going to kick us in the ass this year …[position by position breakdowns essentially like the surrounding text, but with more DISGUSTEDs]... All in all it was DISGUSTING. And to think we had several recruits come watch this debacle makes me want to gut myself. They must laughing at our f---ing team right now. I dont want to say that unthinkable term we have all been called before. But shit, I was taken back to 2002-2006 tonight. Missed assignments, missed tackles, penalties out the ass, no offense. THE LACK OF DESIRE TO BE ON THE FIELD. SHOW ME YOU WANT TO F---ING PLAY!!!!!! But no you get driven into the f---ing ground play after play and then miss a tackle and then miss an assignment and the get a f---ing penalty.

I remember watching us get shredded when I was 13 against Wisconsin. I f---ing sat there for 4 quarters waiting for someone to show me they wanted to play. Well tonight I watched them play the same f---ing way those despicable teams played from 2002-2006 and I am crushed, absolutely crushed. The Notre Dame fans were f---ing everywhere and our fans gave up way too early and I guess I dont blame them because they saw the same shit I did and they were disgusted. The past came back and haunted them and it haunted me too. Go ahead down vote me to hell I dont care......Im crushed and scared that this was a view for what we have to put up with for awhile

Rant of the year contender right there. Scott Tenorman of the Week: secured.

The OP here may be a jerk but at least he's honest:

JMCSpartan08: Here's a f---ing fact: Andrew Maxwell is such a worthless human being that he actually has negative worth... so much so that the US government has barred him from being an organ or blood donor. Cap: C'mon, man. You can say what you want about his play, but to say a fellow Spartan is a worthless human being is way out of line. Way out of line. JMCSpartan08: Athletes are my entertainment slaves. I used human being for lack of a better word.

But at least you got new scoreboards, amirite?

You Know What Would Look Really Sweet On The Scoreboards?? Some f---ing statistics.

Never fear, angry guy. Brah has your back:

Here I'll tell you what they were: Rushing Yards: Diarrhea

Passing Yards: Shit

Rushing Attempts: Poop

Passing Competitions - Attempts: Crap-Turds

Ints: 0

Fum: 1 TDs: Smegma

FGS: 1

Finally:

This is in response to a troll advocating the re-hire of Bobby Williams, FWIW, but it can't be a Michigan State meltdown without the little guy running in a circle. Lookit him go!

Big 12

It was another week of blowouts against dregs in the Big 12. Kansas did lose to TCU, but it was 20-6, and given the relative statuses of the two programs even the entertainingly volatile KUSports is remaining calm. Seriously. Moving on.

Pac-12

USC lost, which means it's time to head out to the WildWest football board to pan for Trojan fans calling Lane Kiffin "Goatboy," which in my book still edges out "Rangoon" when it comes to inexplicable fan-community nicknames for coaches. WildWest is totally unmoderated and possesses the worst fan I've ever found on the internet, one "San Clemente," who has nicknames for everyone. "Barney" is Matt Barkley:

BARNEY IS A FAWKING LOSER. NEVER WON ANYTHING IN HIS JESUS FREAK LIFE AND NEVER WILL. sc

They've dumped "goatboy" in favor of…

Let's review. Barney LOSER By: San Clemente Monte demented and incompetent. Goatshit a complete fraud. any questions. sc

Also deployed by that board: "Coach February," "XBox Lane," "Bubble Boy," and a comparison to John Cooper:

usc has a 37 year old john cooper 9/16/2012 12:15:13 AM

excellent recruiter and good game coach till something really matters. will we get our jim tressel?

Not for another five years, since you're still down 10 scholarships from the most punitive NCAA sanctions since SMU.

But San Clemente will not be outdone:

I WAS RIGHT. YOU WERE WRONG . FACT 9/16/2012 11:41:05 AM By: San Clemente I told you that barney was a loser. He was born a loser. He will die a loser. He has never won anything in his life. Feel free to go back to kindergarten. He will never win anything . I knew this. You didn't. FACT I told you that it is not possible to win in college football today with a quarterback that can't move. Blame the frosh lineman all you want. Fat ass Barney is a statue. He goes into a squat and then goes down. FACT I told you that the whole Haiti trip was a colossal waste of time. Painting houses instead of lifting weights? Team unity means jack shit when a team just getting worked by a stronger team. FACT I told you that Kiffin is a spoiled brat . Like Barney and Obama he has never earned anything in his life. Everything was handed to him. I told you he is a lousy offensive coordinator. I told you he doesn't make adjustments. I told you he thinks he's smart, but he's just a priveleged idiot. FACT …[several hundred additional words to this effect, including an appallingly racist bit on "gangbangers" in the Coliseum]… Watch this shit and then sit in your car breathing carbon monoxide in a parking structure for another hour and a half? At least at home you can shut it off. USC football is dead. FACT. I will let you know if that ever changes. I do know it won't be anytime soon. I know football and you don't. FACT. sc

Every USC loss is a little sweeter because this guy is raging somewhere in Los Angeles. Somewhere in his rants he made some reference to Barkley and "alter" boys. He is not a nice person. San Clemente gets his own little Scott Tenorman trophy where he bawls into a bowl of chili made from Pete Carroll's flesh and is hereby retired from Scott Tenorman consideration going forward.

Meanwhile on the tubes, a shirtless man explains to you how famed Yale economist Robert Schiller's "irrational exuberance" explains Stanford's victory. WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING A SHIRT, SIR.

SEC

This Texas guy is about to salute this Ole Miss ROTC Marine, and Ole Miss ROTC Marine is really not feeling that:

This is not really a schadenfreude opportunity. It's just… damn. "Do not taunt Marines" box… already checked. Let's underline that.

Across the league, Arkansas got the full Alabama experience and will never be the same. I feel, you Razorbacks:

Alabama 52, Arkansas 0: Hiding In The Closet And Screaming …let's just turn out the lights, crank up "Against All Odds", and use the wine bottle as a microphone. The weather was apt. It was nasty, ugly, and played a part in the mass exodus that began at halftime. The dude in front of me actually left midway into the second quarter. UA even had the shuttle buses, which normally don't start until after the game is over, running at halftime.

None of you can be blamed for any of this. Okay, maybe this:

What are you going to do UofA? Time for leadership at the AD level and at the highest levels above him. He reports to somebody, right!

I am talking about the future. I am talking about a NC. I am talking about the players. I am talking about the coaches. I am talking about RAZORBACK NATION. I am talking about the UofA institution. We need an AD and the money players to correct the course of our institution. Where are we going today? Fire somebody and show some balls. Tell us the plan. by allen_texas_hog on Sep 15, 2012 4:57 PM

And definitely that lady who keeps covering upbeat songs. But only those things. We should start a We Played Alabama support group.

NEXT WEEK: Will Colorado give up 100 to the Air Raid? If Colorado can't manage it, can Rangoon and Maryland do it against WVU? Will I feature here again in the aftermath of a Notre Dame game in which Denard runs twice? All of these questions are murky. Not murky: Auburn fans featuring prominently after Kiehl Frazier is dismembered by LSU.

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