Your Conception, as Described By Famous White Male Writers

Franz Kafka

I took up position right by the bed, resolved to bring your mother to the height of sexual bliss in some way, or if nothing more, at least impregnate her. When your mother walked in, she kept her calm, but, with a voice admittedly trembling and uncontrolled said: ‘Oh, let’s just get this over with, shall we?’ Her purpose was clear enough to me, so I took off my cap and unbuttoned my shirt, and removed my pants; she did the same, and we got under the sheets. And now here I was fairly erect, given the cold temperature, and friction of the sheets, so I merely pushed and pushed, till I couldn’t hold it anymore, and spilled everything out, and slipped out.

John Milton

So stood your general mother, and, with eyes

Of conjugal attraction unreproved

And meek surrender, half embracing leaned

On me, your father; half her swelling breast

Naked met mine, under the flowing gold

Of her loose tresses hid. I in delight

Both of her beauty and submissive charms

Smiled with superior love, as Jupiter

On Juno smiles when he impregns the clouds

That shed May flowers, and pressed her matron lip

With kisses pure.

William Faulkner

Your mother is a bird.

She laid there waiting for me to clean up and lie on the pallet with my shirt-tail up. She was ever a particular woman.

I would lay with her in the dark.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes.

H. P. Lovecraft

The night was heavy and dark as I commenced my descent into the dark cavern of your mother. I recall nervously how a clammy vapour engulfed me. Entrapped by some vague compulsion, I continued. There rose a most detestably sticky noise as of some fiendish and unclean species of suction from beneath me. I thought unaccountably of my newly scrubbed sink to which I shall retreat immediately afterwards. What eldritch nightmare was this into which I had blundered? I trembled as my hips pistoned, possessed, ever forward into her abyss. The sounds, the sense of dread expectancy, the darkness, the bleakness of the rest of our lives… Then there burst forth a shrill cry from below, followed by my own wretched scream torn from my gut. But that was not all. A sort of liquid gushed — flooded forth from me so strongly it is as if my soul were being sucked out. I collapsed onto a distorted parody that had been the face of your mother.

William Shakespeare

O! when I drew a dial from my poke,

And, looking on it with lack-lustre eye,

Said to thy mother, ‘It is ten o’clock:

Thus we may see,’ quoth I, ‘how the world wags:

‘Tis but an hour ago since it was nine,

And after one hour more ‘twill be eleven;

And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe,

And then from hour to hour, we rot and rot;

And thereby hangs the tale of you.’

James Joyce

Peep! What do I…?

Goldpinnacled hair.

Drawer frills. Soft tufts bared. You naughty shameless girl. And flushed more.

Slide your hand in. Frigg me slow. Fat and stiff.

Hmmperthnthn hmughughugh.

Belt clacked.

Blew. Air is on the.

Avowal. Sonnez. I could. Rebound of button. Smack. Warm. Ouvrir. Thigh smack. Harder. Avowal. Warm. Sweetheart!

Ughn ohhye ughn uhgn uhgn uhgn ohhye.

Martha! Come!

Tickle outside. Tickle inside. Turn. Arse. Up.

Squeak squeak squeak. My hands crawl in.

And a call, pure, long and throbbing. Longindying call.

Fff! Oo! In and out. In and out. Blocked?

Tongue bursting.

Fat dirty farts. Long windy ones. Little merry cracks. Long gush.

Lap it up. Ravenous dog. Quivering mass of slime. Wriggle wild.

Nnnnnnuh. Eeey. Eeey. Eeeeeey.

Basta! Basta per Dio!

Herman Melville

Call me dad. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having nothing particular to occupy me, I thought I would find myself a woman. Entering the gable-ended Spouter-Inn, I found myself facing a long, limber woman enough to drive a nervous man distracted. I sought the landlord, and telling him I desired to be accommodated with a room, received a toothy grin and a wink. I pulled the female after me into the room. This accomplished, however, she turned round up close — when good heavens! What a sight! Such a body. It was of a green color, here and there stuck over with large busting warts. The next moment the light was extinguished, and she sprang into bed with me. I sang out, I could not help it now; and giving a sudden grunt of astonishment, she began riding me. I conjured her to keep quiet, and let me get up and light the lamp again. But her guttural responses silenced me at once. I found myself surging higher and higher, until the wave broke and, I flopped like a shored fish. I turned in, and never saw her again until yesterday, when I met you as well.

Ernest Hemingway

I do not know what time we got to bed. I remember undressing. I put it in and in and in and in. I had a good time. The next few months, she got bigger. In nine months, you were born.

Maybe if you experience it you will learn what it is all about.