Though many will want to forget 2018 as quickly as possible, it’s important not to overlook the achievements of the many who have helped bring the country to its knees and the few – those happy few – who have lifted our spirits. So here is my totally arbitrary awards ceremony of the year. And remember, no matter how bad you thought 2018 was, 2019 is already shaping up to be a whole lot worse.

The cockroach prize for endurance – Theresa May

The prime minister gets the prize for her unique ability to shrug off any number of disasters that would have led any normal person to throw in the towel. She has been publicly humiliated by EU leaders on a regular basis. Her Brexit plan is hated by remainers and leavers alike and doesn’t even have the support of some in her own cabinet. She has been forced time and again to come to the Commons to defend the indefensible. She pulled a vote on her own deal because she knew she would lose heavily. She faced a no-confidence vote by backbenchers of her own party. And that was all in the last month. Yet she somehow survives in office. If only because the Tory party can’t think of anyone better. Though many think she will be forced to step down by the middle of next summer, I’m beginning to wonder if she won’t still be around for several millennia. Long after the UK has become a failed state, with its few surviving citizens scavenging the countryside for food, there will be Theresa’s disembodied voice crackling through the airwaves repeating “strong and stable”.

The Chris Grayling prize for incompetence – Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling has seen off all-comers to scoop one of parliament’s most fiercely contested awards for the eighth year in a row. Throughout his ministerial career, Failing Grayling has yet to find a job he can’t do badly. Though this year he has managed to outdo himself. It takes some effort for a transport minister to screw things up quite so badly. It’s now an unexpected triumph if you actually get anywhere by train within half an hour of its scheduled arrival time, and the summer timetables only became fully operational when the winter timetables became operational. The road networks are steadily falling apart – Grayling’s biggest success was the completion of a roundabout on the A58 – and plans to turn the M20 into a lorry park after Brexit are also way behind schedule. For a unique hat-trick, Grayling managed to keep Gatwick closed for longer than necessary by refusing all offers of help from military anti-drone units. Truly, the incompetents’ incompetent.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Chris Grayling has yet to find a job he can’t do badly. Photograph: Daniel Leal-Olivas/AFP/Getty Images

The Hercule Poirot prize for unsolved mysteries – Labour’s Brexit policy

Though there have been occasional reports of sightings, Labour’s Brexit policy remains something of a riddle. The best guess at the moment is that the party is promising to deliver exactly the same benefits of remaining in “a” customs union and “a” single market – the only thing Jeremy Corbyn is definite about is his use of the indefinite article – without having to contribute anything to the EU in return for those benefits. He is also planning on delivering a “jobs first” Brexit, even though every analysis predicts that any Brexit would make the country worse off. Most importantly, though, “all options remain on the table”. Apart from the ones that have been arbitrarily removed. And if there is a second referendum, Labour will campaign to leave the EU despite having campaigned to remain in the first vote. Go figure.

The Stephen Hawking prize for mathematics – the European Research Group

At an ERG event to launch a report showing that the UK would be 10 times better off leaving the EU without a deal, Steve Baker declared that he was a “numbers man”. Unfortunately it soon emerged he was unable to count to 48 – the number of letters that needed to be sent to the chairman of the 1922 Committee to force a no-confidence vote in May. On a weekly basis, Baker would either brief the media that he was within one or two letters of the magic number or that he was well past the figure if you counted the letters that had been written in invisible ink. He even persuaded Jacob Rees-Mogg to publicly embarrass himself by giving a press conference to announce he had written his own letter, only for no other MPs to follow suit. And when the 48th letter did come in, the ERG appeared to be caught totally by surprise and had no plan for the no-confidence vote.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Steve Baker, a ‘numbers man’ unable to count to 48. Photograph: Jonathan Hordle/ITV/REX/Shutterstock

The Laurence Olivier prize for public speaking – Geoffrey Cox

As a general rule, backbenchers tend to be the more convincing speakers in the Commons – possibly because, from time to time, they actually believe in what they are saying – but the attorney general’s liquid baritone was the standout theatrical performance of the year. Unfortunately for Geoffrey Cox, it was in a losing cause as he was forced to spend two hours at the dispatch box defending the government’s indefensible decision not to publish the Brexit legal advice that parliament had previously instructed it to deliver. His tragedy became ever more poignant the longer the session rolled on. Still, at least Cox retained a sense of humour. At the time I wrote that in future only his cat would enjoy the majesty of his Lear. He messaged me to say he didn’t have a cat. But he did have a dog, Lily, who still appreciated his “Howl, howl, howl! O you are men of stones.” Though she preferred comedies.

The Boris Johnson prize for hypocrisy – Jeremy Corbyn and Jacob Rees-Mogg

The judges couldn’t split the two men so the award is shared this year. When Corbyn was elected leader of the Labour party, he made it a point of principle that he had to act on the will of the 500,000 Labour members who had put him in office. To do otherwise would be a breach of faith. Now the overwhelming majority of that 500,000 backs remaining in the EU, but Corbyn has recently confirmed he is committed to the the UK leaving the EU and is doing his best to avoid a second referendum. Give me democracy … but not too much. Then there’s Rees-Mogg. Just moments after May had survived a no-confidence vote by 200 votes to 117, the ERG leader was insisting the prime minister should go straight to the Queen to tender her resignation. Less than a week later, he was saying in the Commons that the she had his full support.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Jeremy Corbyn: ‘Give me democracy … but not too much.’ Photograph: Stefan Rousseau/PA

The #MeToo prize for double standards – the chief whip

The Tory backbencher Christopher Chope was an early front runner in this category for talking down a bill to make upskirting a criminal offence. But Julian Smith, the chief whip, won by a neck for restoring the party whip to Charlie Elphicke and Andrew Griffiths to allow May to reach the 200 mark in her no-confidence vote. Elphicke is currently under investigation for an alleged serious sexual assault, which he has vehemently denied, while Griffiths had been suspended for sending two female constituents thousands of unwanted sex texts. Including one that read “Can she take a beating?” The prime minister couldn’t, so Griffiths was reinstated. Parliament at its most shabby.

The Pangloss prize for optimism – the Queen

In her Christmas message, the Queen called on the nation to put aside its differences and come together. Some hope. If the UK does leave the EU, the majority of the country will be furious. Remainers because they never wanted to leave in the first place and leavers because they had been given a Brexit they hadn’t voted for. And if there is a second referendum and the UK stays in the EU, then roughly half the country will feel their first vote had been disregarded and that they have been disregarded. It’s going to take decades to heal these wounds.

And finally ...

The John Crace prize for bittersweetness – my daughter’s wedding

To see my daughter get married to someone she loved was a very special moment. To know she was ready to commit to sharing her life, her career and her love with another person was everything my wife and I had ever wanted for her from the moment she was born more than 26 years ago. But it was tinged with sadness. Because her husband is from the US and, after living together in London for the last three years, they are moving to Minneapolis. I shall miss her terribly. By the time many of you read this, she and Robert will be landing in the US on the next stage of their adventures. Travel well, Anna. Travel gently. Travel with love.