Responsive Blogapist that I am, I aim to fulfill your every blogging request. And a female reader asked for a list of 5 Ways to make husbands happy, not including sex, as a companion piece to my article on ways to make your wife happy that lead to sex. I told her we need to include sex, but she said no, so fine, mi casa es tu casa. Wait a sec, wrong phrase. But you get my drift. So here I present:

5 Things That Make Your Husband Happy, Not Including The Obvious.

1. Appreciation.

Here’s what you used to say: “Hey thanks so much for putting gas in my car! That was so sweet! Nobody was ever that sweet to me! My friends are like, wow your boyfriend is so great! And I’m like, I know! Back off bitches! Ha ha!”

Here’s what you say now: “When you got the gas in my car you left all your crap in there. Throw out your empty Starbucks cup next time. Am I the maid?”

Slight difference. Try focusing for a couple of minutes each day on what you appreciate about your husband. If you can only come up with that he doesn’t drink to excess on most weeknights and he bathes regularly, start with that. Baby steps.

2. Respect.

Here’s what you used to say: “Hey, what do you think I should do about Jen at work? You always know about this kind of stuff.”

Here’s what you say now: “Um, why are you always telling me to not worry about Jen? She is a raging bitch and making work into a living hell. Yes, I’m sure that the right thing to do is start a petition to get her fired. You don’t know about my job. My mom thinks I’m right.”

How about you try to think of three areas in which your husband is pretty smart, and then make sure that when discussion turns to these areas, you exhibit genuine interest in his opinion, and tell him that you value his input? It’s like verbal sex.

3. Affection.

Here’s what you used to say: “I love you so much! You’re so cute. I love when you wear that shirt. It looks sexy.”

Here’s what you say now: “Hey, I thought I bought cantaloupe. Do you see a cantaloupe in here? Goddamn Peapod. Stop touching me.”

So try and say a couple of kind, complimentary things in addition to your usual sweet nothings about the house and the kids. And don’t forget increasing your non-sexual physical affection, such as hand holding, cuddling, hugging, and kissing. Truth: if men got more of this, they wouldn’t be up on you for sex 24/7, and/or would act more gracious about sexual rejection when it inevitably occurs.

4. Being fun.

Here’s what you used to say: “Let’s just drive to Ocean City tonight! We can sleep on the floor at my sister’s place! Screw work.”

Here’s what you say now: “So I thought I said we needed to be out of the house at 7:20 to be there at 8. BECAUSE NOW IT IS 7:25 AND NOBODY IS HELPING ME FEED THE KIDS BREAKFAST AND NAP IS GOING TO BE ALL THROWN OFF IF WE DON’T GET THERE RIGHT AT 8 OR AT THE VERY LATEST 8:10. AND STOP TOUCHING ME!!!”

I’m obviously aware that with children, jobs, houses, and what have you comes the death of spontaneity, but try and be a little less like someone you would have hated interacting with in your pre-child life. Aim for merely someone you would have disliked.

5. Be generous.

Here’s what you used to say: “Hey, are you hungry? Let me make you some freshly baked cookies and run out to the store for beer.”

Here’s what you say now: “Yeah, I’m hungry too. But the kids are asleep and I’m not getting up off the couch because I need to decompress before I lose my shit. I had a really bad day.”

Try to do one nice thing every day for your husband. Sex counts but I’m not allowed to mention it so forget I said that. Other options: make him a meal, make him a snack, buy him his favorite food at the store…. um…. do men like anything besides eating? Okay, watch what he wants on TV, buy him a new shirt or something, I don’t know. (Sex sex sex.)

Hope that answered your question, my devoted reader. Till we meet again, I remain the Blogapist Who Cares About Your Marriage Not Sucking.

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Order Dr. Rodman’s newest book, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and order her first book: How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person

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