Government no-deal plans revealed to be Chinese fortune cookie

Downing Street has finally agreed to publish their detailed assessment of how a no-deal Brexit would impact the UK – it was a fortune cookie which simply said, “You’re fucked.”

Under pressure from all sides to release their no-deal impact assessment the government has finally relented.

“It was very late, we’d all had a busy day at the annual Conservative tiddlywinks championship and someone – I think it was Gove actually – suggested we do a few lines and get a Chinese,” said Boris Johnson.

“I can’t remember what everyone else ordered but I had what I always have when eating Chinese food – a set meal for four.

“I normally then crawl straight to the nearest gutter to sleep it all off. However, on this occasion, I was persuaded to try one of these fortuitous biscuit things.

“Inside was a little slip of paper which said, ‘A dream you have will come true.’

“Gosh, I thought – I really am going to be the greatest Prime Minister this country has ever known! I’ll have a massive majority! I’ll never lose a vote!

“As it turns out it was actually referring to the dream where I get a rare form of tinnitus which means I hear booing wherever I go.

“Anyway, Michael Gove had a fortune saying ‘You’re fucked.’ His job was to draw up some no-deal plans, a task that was increasingly looking like bloody hard work.

“He couldn’t believe his luck to find it presented to him – literally on a plate!

“He called it ‘Operation Yellow Sauce’ after the meal he’d ordered. I suggested changing it to ‘Hammer’ as that’s what I affectionately call my penis.

“Recklessly deployed, ruining lives and causing economic chaos – a perfect fit!”