The loss of a pet puts a lot of stress on a person. Couple this with a defending a dragged-out — arguably vexatious — litigation and it can push a guy to the breaking point. Or over the breaking point.

That’s what seems to have happened in Woods v. Club Cabaret, an employment classification lawsuit against an Illinois gentlemen’s club. That seems like a more appropriate term for this establishment than “strip club” because Club Cabaret offers so much more. Like hair cuts. If you’re the kind of guy who thinks, “I need a haircut and a lapdance, but who has time for two stops?”

Bradley J. Shafer prefaced his mediation summary in the case — in the immediate aftermath of his dog’s sad passing — with some “personal comments” about the exotic dance industry as a leading lawyer in that field.

I’d like to provide to you some personal comments on the matters at hand. Please note that I have not vetted these comments by my brother counsels or by the clients. They have no idea that I am making these statements.

Fan…f**king…tastic.

Honestly, what follows over the next six pages is… kind of boring. It’s an undoubtedly accurate description of the history of exotic dancers opting for “independent contractor” status rather than classifying them as “employees” in order to prevent the IRS from getting their hands on cash earned literally under the table. Remember, there are no audits in the Champagne Room. We could debate whether or not exotic dancers are only opting for independent contractor status because disgustingly low wages and societal stigma force them into a Hobson’s choice of moving forward without labor protections just to get by, but that’s not really the point at this juncture. In any event, the subject matter is racy and he takes a few fun swipes at opposing counsel, but this reads like a relatively straightforward submission.

And then…

Rather than spending time the past few days with our family 9 1⁄2 year old Golden Retriever as he was dying of a horribly debilitating disease (although the one day extension allowed me to witness his last breath on this planet), or trying to console my wife who has raised him since he was a 7 week old puppy, I had to, rather, deal with this bullshit.

To answer to the question you probably have, Shafer is, in fact, “Mad Bro.”

So here is my solemn vow, oath and promise.

Auspicious beginning.

If you all do not resolve this at mediation, for all of Mr. Lucas’ clients who will not provide documentation establishing that they have paid taxes on all of the income they earned while performing at Club Cabaret, including tips, I’m going to legally FUCK them so far up their ASSES with the IRS that my DICK is going to come out of their NOSES.3 And, by turning in Mr. Lucas’ clients, my clients can get 15% of the taxes owed as a finder’s fee under IRS regulations. It’s a “two’fer” for us!

Yes, he footnoted “my DICK is going to come out of their NOSES.”

By these comments, I do not in any way state, imply, or intimate that I am threatening any type of criminal action, as that is not my intention and to do so, of course, would be a violation of the rules of professional responsibility. Rather, I’m just going to use the civil provisions of the IRS to the fullest extent to legally benefit my clients.

Move over Carolene Products, there’s a new champion in legal footnoting. Recognize that the presence of mind to cover himself with regard to creating the appearance of a criminal threat means that this passage wasn’t a slapdash, stream-of-consciousness error — he reviewed that paragraph, considered the implications, and doubled down.

When some attorneys in Florida tried to demand money for their clients and Shafer said his client would comply only after they produced tax records, the attorneys backed off. Shafer didn’t.

The attorneys thought I was bluffing and did not respond. As a result, we filed an interpleader action where we named both the plaintiffs and the IRS as defendants. Boy, do those dancers now have the IRS up their asses!4

Footnote:

I am hoping to be able to represent those dancers in their malpractice action against their lawyers.

Opposing counsel Paul Lukas has moved for sanctions and Shafer’s withdrawal based on this outburst. That sounds like a stretch. It was unprofessional and stupid to go on this rant and he certainly deserves a fine and a lecture on walking the path of the righteous man, but the withdrawal ask strikes me as a shameless effort to get an experienced and zealous advocate removed from the case. But nice try, though.

I’m done with the charade that is these dancer suits. Paul: You want to go scorched earth? Let’s go scorched mother fuckin earth. You want to dance, you and I? I’ll lead. End of personal comments.

It’s not the dance you expected to watch in a strip club case, but, again, Club Cabaret isn’t your average strip club/hair salon/car wash is it?

(If you like what you saw of the peep of Shafer’s rant, click on the next page to see more.)