Forward-Thinking Band Drafts Public Apology at First Practice

OAKLAND — Blackened crust band DEATH BIRD has penned an extensive, preemptive apology note to their community before writing any music, dismissive sources confirmed today.

“First and foremost, we’d like to apologize for our innately racist perspectives and lifestyles outside of this band,” the letter began. “We admit to, and promise to no longer engage in, various appropriative activities that erase members of this community, including, but not limited to, buying tickets to Boo! A Madea Halloween. We hear you, and we are sorry.”

The band went on to apologize for not being female-fronted, a “feature they tried really hard to make happen,” but couldn’t when no women agreed to spend time with them in any capacity — and included an apology for their anticipated sexual experiences.

“Dave [Parker] is likely the most heteronormative of the bunch, and intends to have meaningful, consenting, one-night relationships each and every night if we end up touring, and he is already sorry,” the letter read. “So sorry.”

In addition to the 3,500-word apology note, the band is also allegedly discussing which influences to mix into their art.

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“Roger is more a fan of ’80s self-loathing, which mixes well with our bass player Boyd’s more modern sense of guilt. On drums, I think I bring a certain unique sense of shame and culpability to the group,” drummer Sam Figueiredo said.

The band’s singer, James Cannon, agreed.

“Looking in the mirror and seeing the white male gaze look back at me every day is horrifying — we need to include that in there,” Cannon said. “Honestly, I hope I’m the last white male frontman in the history of music.”

UPDATE: Upon the completion of their first practice, DEATH BIRD has kicked out guitarist David Parker. If you want to know why, the band asks that you “please reach out privately. This is important, and we want to have a conversation with the community about it.”

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.