desperate sweaty thankyou

to human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinson

for hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal myth

and also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this post

PS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to me

that would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?

ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?

BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN

AND HAND THEM TO YOU

ALL OF YOU

ALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstory

cause there are these two swineherds right

they belong to these two different gods who don’t really matter

but they hate each other SO MUCH

they keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each other

you know

instead of herding swine

don’t give your swineherds superpowers guys

this is the kind of shit that happens

productivity goes WAY DOWN

anyway they turn into birds or whatever

and then they get careless and some cows eat them

and thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLS

there is a white one and a brown one

and the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster

(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)

and the white one gets taken by this chick Medb

who rules the kingdom of Connacht

except the bull is sexist

and decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husband

which is problematic because apparently in Celtic households

whoever has more money makes the rules

and Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit on

not about to lose that privelege

so she is like OY

KING OF ULSTER

I AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHS

COST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULL

and the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSS

but then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guys

like haha joke’s on that asshole

if he said no we were just gonna take the bull anyway

and the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAT

and Medb is like ok fine

hurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on you

AND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulster

because due to some hilarious curse

all of the warriors in the whole damn place

are laid up with ultimate menstrual cramps

because they pissed off some sorceress or whatever

so Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSURED

but actually

victory is not assured

because remember

Cuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right now

and Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPS

OBVIOUSLY

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT

WHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPS

HE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN

AND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNS

AND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPE

JUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM

who can do anything about this incoming invasion

but whoops

he kind of forgets

and starts having a bunch of sex

but then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMY

and he is like it’s cool guys i got this

and just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBAT

ONE AT A TIME

AT A RIVER

BECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODY

oh man i don’t think i ever told you guys

Cuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOES

ALSO FOURTEEN PUPILS

WHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?

BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITS

but anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudes

and Cuchulainn keeps murdering them

and this goes on for a WHILE

some people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those people

but anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJURED

and he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancing

and he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulster

just charge at that whole army and get MASSACRED

and then Cuchulainn is like wait a second

I have two options here

I can lie here like bleeding

like a PUSSY

OR

I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE

I CHOOSE OPTION B

and this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friends

there is a thing in this legend

called the warp spasm

and it is like a combination of footage from transformers

voltron

and an american werewolf in london

NOW WITH MORE BLOOD

let me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of all

his legs turn backwards

I have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampage

but apparently you need your knees on the same side as your butt

also your feet and shins apparently

i guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONT

but that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his face

in fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADS

and they are all moving around and flexing

and then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head

until it disappears

and then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking face

I have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous rage

but i guess apparently it does

also his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking ears

and his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throat

along with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIRE

oh yeah

and now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULL

STRAIGHT UP

JUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOOD

FIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR

MY FRIENDS

IF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KING

AND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABY

WHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATE

AND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME

THE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HERE

oh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people

in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALP

also he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshit

which ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the army

and leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two options

stay here and get killed

or run away and still probably get killed

but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has become

so they start running the fuck away

along with Medb

but BAM

right at this very moment

MEDB GETS HER PERIOD

KAPOW

NATUREBULLET TO THE COOTER

and she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GOD

and Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOU

WAIT

NO

KILLING WOMEN IS WRONG

THERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DO

AND THAT IS KILL WOMEN

EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFORE

so he lets her go

and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behind

and eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual cramps

and run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left over

and no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story is

fuck plastic surgery

the uglier you are

the badder your ass

THE ENDDDDDDDD