I try really hard not to spend too much time thinking about the past. “Wallowing”, Oma always calls it. And she says it never does any good.

But sometimes, I guess I can’t help it. Especially right now, when things are sliding right back to how they used to be… Back before things got better. It’s like there’s this huge, impossibly steep slope in our way. And no matter how hard we try to climb it, Erik and I just keep slipping back down.

There’s a lot of stuff I really miss, I guess. Stuff I might be able to get back at the top of that slope, if I could make it.

Like Rylie and Devin. I miss the days when we’d cut class together and spend the whole day goofing off.

Sometimes Dev would work on one of his murals, or Rylie would sing us a song. Maybe I’d bounce around some story ideas with them… The point is, we were doing what we loved with the people we loved. We were best friends.

But all that was almost three years ago already. And I mean, Dev’s still painting, Rylie’s still singing, and I’m still writing. That much hasn’t changed.

But Devin’s up in Falkenburg at art school. Taking classes, hanging out with new friends, turning into a “goddamn hipster”, as Rylie likes to say. But he’s happy. He’s having fun. I just barely see him anymore. And I miss him so much more than I ever thought I would.

Rylie stuck around here in Windenburg, at least. But she’s so busy now… She’s taking music classes at the same uni Erik went to. And she’s in a band too — they play gigs almost every weekend. I try to catch one every now and then when I can. And these days, it’s pretty much the only time I get to see her.

And it’s not just my friends I miss. I… God, I’d probably die if they ever heard me say this… But I miss my parents too.

I still see them all the time, of course. That’s not what I mean. Papa’s still my boss at the restaurant. But he’s such a hard-ass now. Especially after he figured out what was going on with Erik… and with me too. All he does now is yell at me about Erik. And I feel him watching me like a hawk at work. As if I’d ever steal from my own Papa!

And mom isn’t much better. With Papa, it’s arguing. With her, it’s these long, annoying talks that almost always end up with tears (usually for her, not me). She just won’t leave it alone, no matter how much I ask her to. She won’t stay out of my business! Even Oma bugs me now… And she never used to before.

I just miss the way things used to be with them. It was so long ago now, but it’s kinda nice to think about sometimes.

When I’d sit in the kitchen with Papa while he made dinner, and we’d tease each other and talk about superheroes… Or when I’d watch reruns of old sitcoms with mom, and we’d laugh together until we were both in tears. Or when it felt like I could talk to my Oma about anything.

It’s hard not to want that back, y’know?

But you know who I miss the most? More than anybody?

For a while, it felt like I was finally getting him back. But it took almost losing him in the first place for that to happen.

Looking back now, it’s amazing how quickly everything started going downhill. The cocaine started changing him so much. It’s like it sucked all the happiness out of him. He was becoming a different person. And Erik knew that. But cutting back was so hard on him. It just made things worse.

Then Simon promised he’d help make things ‘better’…

And that was enough to get him to graduation, I guess. Before things really started falling apart.

It hurt so much to see him that way. I thought the cocaine was bad… But the heroin was even worse. It was supposed to make the comedown from the coke easier. That’s what Simon said, at least. And I guess that part was true, for a while.

But he ended up falling right back into the same pattern as before. He started needing it. He was changing… And definitely not for the better.

Erik isn’t stupid. He knew how bad things were getting. And he tried so hard to stop again and again, just like he did with the cocaine. But it made him so sick if he went too long without a hit. He would start puking, his muscles would ache. He was hurting all the time… and not just physically.

He had to keep going back to it to make the pain stop.

After he OD’d, I really thought it was gonna be a fresh start for us. A weird ‘blessing in disguise’, I guess.

Less than a week after he was out of the hospital was when I got arrested. I was totally freaking out and didn’t have anybody I could really talk to about what was going on with Erik… So there was only one other way I really knew how to deal with it. But I kinda went overboard, I guess. I got careless. So careless that I couldn’t even use my hearing aid as an excuse.

Thank God it was my first time getting caught. All they did was slap me with a fine… But even that was absolutely terrifying. I couldn’t stop thinking about what could happen if I get caught again. So I swore I’d never steal again. And Erik swore he’d never touch another needle or line of coke either.

He kept his promise for a little less than three months. And honestly, minus the rocky start with his detox, those were the best three months of our whole relationship. There were no secrets or shame. There were no scary dealers to answer to. Our sex life went back to normal. We had fun together. Erik was finally himself again — laughing and smiling and happy.

Then the software company he was working for decided to downsize. And his was one of the first jobs cut. He’d been dreaming of being a programmer for so long. And I was so proud of him when he landed that job. It was one of the only things that really made him happy, even when he was at his lowest.

And then it got taken away, just like that.

No matter how many times I told him, he wouldn’t believe that it wasn’t his fault. He’s convinced they were just looking for an excuse to get rid of him after his overdose. And I get it — the timing SUCKED. But I really think it was just that — shitty timing.

Erik doesn’t see it that way though. He just keeps saying again and again what a failure he was. How he let everyone down — me, his Mama, his brother…

Everything just started spiraling so quickly from there. And when his old track marks started looking fresh again, that’s when I knew. He’s self-medicating. Trying to stop the pain.

So now we’re back to exactly how things used to be before. He slipped right back down the slope. And it’s changed him, just like before.

My Erik is gone now. And I miss him so much.

He left that shell in his place again. And things are just as bad as ever. He’s distant. He’s sad. He’s just… not himself. It’s the most painful thing to watch. He wants to stop again. I know he does. He tells me every day what a failure he is. What a “fuckup” he’s become.

I know he’s embarrassed and frustrated and wishes he could do better. I know he still loves me. But it’s so fucking hard to see him like this. I can feel it taking a toll on me too, y’know? And I think our sex life is the worst part of all. It doesn’t even feel like he wants me anymore. I know it’s just a side effect from the heroin. We went through this before his overdose too. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating!

We’ve had sex once in the last month. And it took forever for him to finish… He can barely even get it up anymore… So we’ve just stopped trying. He’ll still take care of me if I ask him to though. He’s still just as amazing with his tongue as he always has been. But that’s not the way it’s supposed to be, is it?

Sex is supposed to be about making each other feel good. It’s supposed to be something fun and special we can share together. But that’s not how it feels anymore. He’s never said it, but it almost seems like getting me off has turned into like, a chore for him. And that just makes me want it less and less.

God, I’m rambling now, aren’t I?

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who I can turn to now. I don’t wanna burden Rylie and Devin with any of this shit. I don’t wanna hear my parents say “I told you so”. I don’t want anybody judging me or Erik. I just want someone to listen. But there’s nobody I can really talk to anymore.

I hate feeling this way. Like there’s nothing I can do to help him.

I’ve tried telling him maybe he should go back to rehab, but he’s too afraid. Erik’s still so convinced it’s what lost him his job in the first place — the time off for rehab, and all the terrible stigma that goes along with it. And he’s afraid he’ll ruin his career if he has to go back.

He says he can’t do it. Especially not while he’s still looking for work. He doesn’t wanna leave me to pay all the bills on my own anymore. “It’s not fair to you.” He says “I don’t wanna let you down.”

I’ve tried telling him I really don’t mind, but I don’t think he believes me. I wish he could understand that I don’t CARE about paying the bills. If him getting better means having to be the breadwinner for a while, I’ll do it!

I’ll start working overtime at Papa’s restaurant. I will steal from every store in Windenburg if I have to. I’ll do anything. Just as long as I can get him back.

I miss the old Erik. And I love him so, so much.

But I’m not sure I love the new one.