50 States of McMansion Hell: Anchorage, Alaska

Hello Friends! Thank you to everyone who sent me emails with suggestions for Alaska houses! I would like to start my post by saying that Alaska has some of the most bizarre houses I’ve ever seen, so, congratulations.

Sadly, I can only do one house for my house posts. On a lighter note, I chose this amazingly beautiful 2008 home:

This estate features 5 bedrooms and 5 baths, and can be all yours for less than $800,000 USD.

Lawyer Fawyer

I feel like we need an ASPCA “In the Arms of an Angel”-type campaign for sad, unloved musical instruments.

Living Room

I feel like they call it a ‘den’ in Alaska. Because there are bears there.

OH. By the way. i need to mention the ceiling. This is literally the Sarah Palin of ceilings, everybody.

*CUE EAGLE SOUNDS*

The Kitchen

I will never understand the rationality of not making your grout spotless before trying to sell your house.

The Dining Room

A TALE OF TWO ENTRIES:

She was a French aristocrat. He was working deep in the French linoleum quarries. They met by accident at a McCafe. The rest is history.

Breakfast Nook/Sauna

I feel like saunas in Alaska are the equivalent to walk-in multi-jet showers in the rest of the US: an obvious luxury, but still probably delightful to have.

Bathroom 1

There is something really bizarre about having a urinal in your house. I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a display of wealth or machismo or…? What are the politics of home urinals???? Also, the other bathroom has a urinal too.

Master Bedroom

This bedroom reminds me of this house that was making the rounds a few months back.

Master Bathroom

YES, I see that there’s a stair next to the toilet. It still isn’t helping me get in that tub.

Tween Girl Bedroom

This is a market. In mall store terms, it’s the transitional market between Justice and American Eagle.

Adolescent Male Room™

What’s in the safe???

Best case scenario: dirty magazines

Worst case scenario: guns. As my readers in Alaska have told me, Alaskans really like guns. This is partially understandable because there are a lot of things that are scary and can kill you in Alaska and I’m pretty sure that if you live anywhere other than Anchorage you still have to forage for your own food.

Still, the dirty Lower 48-er in me is unsettled by the idea of teenage boys having guns.

The Lounge

Okay, WHY are there so many recessed lights in this house??? I’m pretty sure this family is laundering money in recessed lighting.

Finally, we come to the end of our tour:

Rear Exterior

Outdoor recessed lighting = money laundering confirmed. Also, I’m pretty sure that the reason there are no trees in the yard is because they were all cut down to build this house, because that sounds like something that happens in the wilderness.

Anyways, that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Thank you to all the Alaskans who emailed me - I hope I didn’t push your buttons too hard. Stay tuned for Sunday’s post about McMansions around the World!

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.