Warning: Here be series-wide spoilers!

PREVIOUSLY ON SURVIVOR: VANUATU…



LET’S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!

It’s finally Day 39! And even though it should be a day of celebration, Chris is a lot more stressed than he thought he would be. Why?

How is he going to play the game on Day 39? He’s going to tell Twila to not take any crap from the jury tonight, in an attempt to get her to show her bad side.

On the other end, Twila goes on a spiel about how she played the best game and thus deserves to win.

Just before they leave, they decide to have one last lie down on the hammock…

Now for the final battle…

IT’S TIME FOR FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL!

Or, as I’d like to call it…

Chris gives a masterclass in bullshit artistry

Chris’ opening statement talks about how he overcome the most odds out of everyone in the game. He was the last man standing and made it to the end.

Twila’s opening statement is about how she set out to win in order to better the lives of her family. She put all of her soul into the game and believes she’s earned the win.

It’s time for the jury to give these two a grilling. Let’s start with Olive Oyl…

Eliza steps up first and delivers one of the greatest jury speeches in Survivor history. She calls Twila a deceptive lying bitch and calls her out for treating her horribly throughout the game. She then turns to Chris and tells him that she didn’t expect HIM to be a deceptive lying bitch too (ouch!), and calls him out for rubbing salt in the wounds when she was voted out. She demands an apology from both of them.

Does Twila make any attempt to offer any kind of apology? Of course not! Instead, she calls Eliza a spoilt child and refuses to apologise. On the other end, Chris gives a grovelling apology.

Now let’s bring on… oh, I completely forgot she was in this jury, my bad.

Julie immediately starts crying before she can get a word out. She has no interest in addressing Twila, she makes it clear that she’s voting either for or against Chris. She goes on a spiel about how she selflessly helped him for no gain. Her first question is basically “why did you butter me up just to get rid of me?”. Chris responds by claiming that he had no intentions of betraying her when he made those promises.

Her second question is “when did you start playing me?”. Chris makes a bombastic speech about how he didn’t play her, he let his heart get in the way. He claims that he decided to vote her out the second he stepped into the voting booth, and apologises to her for “doing you wrong” and that he truly considers her as a little sister to him.

Now let’s bring on the depth charge of the Women’s Alliance…

Leann brings up Songate when addressing Twila (trust me, this will not be the last time this gets brought up during this Final Tribal…), and asks her why she should reward her for that. Twila blames her and Ami shunting her and Scout down the pecking order in favour of Julie for her not trusting them and reneging on the Women’s Alliance.

Leann then pretty much asks Chris “why should I not vote for a woman to win?”. Chris says that a back door opened for him thanks to Twila, he took advantage of it and persevered.

Now let’s bring on the cheerleader for the WOMAN STRONK!!! club…

Ami calls out Twila for refusing to kiss Eliza’s ass for a million dollars considering that she lied and broke friendships for a million dollars, and is confused by her response to Leann about lack of trust. She then accuses Chris of lying to Eliza and Julie for supposedly no reason (err, I wouldn’t say that it was for no reason, it’s Survivor, idiot). She asks both of what qualities they have to get this far that she doesn’t have.

Chris is never going to get Ami’s vote in a million years, even if it was an all-male final two she’d rather walk out than vote for a dude. But he does a valiant effort in trying to tug at her heartstrings by saying that her heart was too soft, and that he didn’t give her the same chance she gave him.

After trying to take back her son swear for the 500th time, Twila flat-out tells her that Ami simply doesn’t have it in her and she does.

Now let’s bring on our first dude…

Chad asks them both if this experience has changed anything in them. Twila says that she’s realised that she needs to watch what she says and how she comes across to others. Chris says for him it’s experience in playing the game and seeing people’s true colours. He then kisses the entire jury’s asses by saying that those who ended up in the jury saw past the $1mil and he didn’t.

Now let’s bring on one of the worst Final Tribal shirts ever to greet my eyes…

Sarge tells Twila that he never wants to see her ever again, he has no respect for her, and joins in the humiliation conga by telling her that he’d tell his mother to “kiss my ass” if she did what she did. He asks her if a million dollars if worth casting her son’s name to hell, she bluntly says no.

He then asks Chris if they’d still be friends and go to a race together even if he doesn’t get his jury vote. Chris pretty much says that he doesn’t give a shit and that they’re going to that race regardless, “and that’s a FACT”.

Last but not least, let’s bring on Twila’s BFF…

Scout calls out Chris saying that he’s bullshitting up to his ears. She then tries to defend her friend by saying that she admires her ability to be upfront and is incapable of bullshitting anyone.

After all that, let’s have some closing statements…

Twila closes off by explaining that this Final Tribal has made her realise that this game turned her into someone she doesn’t like, and feels bad enough without everyone else’s pouring salt on the wounds. She says that it wasn’t the game she intended to play, the game played her, and makes her apologies to everyone.

Chris closes off by addressing each jury member one-by-one (I’m surprised more people haven’t done this), and in typical Chris fashion makes a grand speech about how some of their comments made him feel like he shouldn’t be sitting here. And to top it off, he brought Julie her hat back.

For the last time, it’s time to vote!

Four months later…

The wait is almost over! Who will become the 9th Sole Survivor? Let’s read the votes…

Chris wins 5-2! Fuck yeah!

After that’s all said and done we have the Reunion show, and… to be honest, I really don’t want to cover this one. I know it’s a total cop-out but it’s almost painful to watch. In summary:

Probst is a massive douche to Chris

Everyone keeps banging on about Songate even though Twila’s son doesn’t remotely care

Sarge babbles incoherently

There. Done.

Kylie’s Post Mortem

This is a season that has been Vindicated By History over time. I’m not totally hot on this season, especially the pre-merge, but the post-merge is pretty fun, we have some really memorable characters, and of course, we have the greatest revenge story Survivor has ever had.

I wouldn’t say that Chris is one of my top five winners of all time, but he’s extremely entertaining because of how hammy he is in addition to his legendary confessionals. And of course, his Final Tribal Council performance is godlike, easily in my personal top 3.

It’s a crying shame that he was never brought back because of Probst being all butthurt but I’m glad that he at least is getting more appreciation as a winner these days. We’ll probably never see him on Survivor again, but I’ll take having him as one of those one-timer gems you need to dig up.

Oh, and one last thing…

Thanks very much for following my Vanuatu recap, and I’ll see you next time!