As the sun set over sleepy Parson, Illinois, all seemed right with the world. Two hours outside of Chicago, Parson is a picturesque example of small-town America, and has remained relatively untouched by the housing market crash and financial crisis. But despite its charming air of tranquility, the evening carried with it a more sinister undertone – the conclusion of the third day of police’s halfhearted search for ugly child Mary Simmons.

“We’re going to do everything we possibly can to make sure little Elizabeth gets home safe,” said police chief Dave Orson. He then added, “Well, I mean, within reason. My men have got families too, you know? Plus, Abrams has got this twinge in his neck after spending a whole hour out in the marshes with the bloodhound, and I’ve got bowling league tomorrow night.” Orson then became engrossed in a small book of Sudoku puzzles.

“No need for anybody to push themselves unnecessarily out there, is what I’m saying,” he eventually concluded, shuffling absentmindedly through recent photos of the unfortunate-looking child in question.

Arthur and Margaret Simmons, in a message to the kidnappers aired on public-access television at 2 in the afternoon, say they just want their squat, saddle-faced daughter back, “no matter the cost, within reason.” They have offered a reward of tens of dollars for any information leading to Mary’s rescue. The beady-eyed, square-headed girl was reportedly last seen walking home from school along Mason street. Local residents who may have seen her are being asked to call in with details, if they haven’t got anything else really going on at the moment, but no rush.

FBI agents who are going to get around to the case sooner or later say chances are good for Mary’s safe return, as she is what experts sometimes call “unmolestable.” Lead investigator on the case, soon-to-be-retired officer Sean Terrace, is confident that the Simmons will soon be reunited with their daughter.

“She’ll probably turn up sooner or later,” Orson said, leaning back in his chair and staring absentmindedly out the window, thoughtfully adding, “or she’s dead. But hey, can’t win ‘em all, right?”