Now I’ve come across several remarks that LN translations are considered “low class” and “not true literature” over the last two years of me doing this. As an effort to rectify that imag, I will be embarking on an effort to convert everything I’ve done into shakespearean English, because there’s nothing posher than shakespearean English. I’ll start with one of my favorite side stories as a teaser, but worry not, within the next few months, everything I’ve written shall be rewriten to seem as though Shakespeare himself wrote them, so look forward to it.

Now without further ado, I bring you

A Once in a While Explosive Date

Megumin, wearing a dresseth, hath said to me as I did lie on the sofa,

“… Kazuma, doth thee wanteth to wend on a date with me?”

“Give me a moment, I’ll wend putteth on a changeth of robes. ”

I answ’r’d without a second bethought and head’d towards mine own cubiculo bef’re Megumin ceased me.

“E-eh, waiteth, holdeth on, i knoweth it’s weird f’r me to beest declaring this, but aren’t thee going to asketh any questions?”

“What kind of questions doth thee wanteth me to asketh?”

I tilt’d mine own headeth and hath asked. Megumin hadst a conflict’d expression on h’r visage, and did start playing with h’r fing’rs.

“Such as… wherefore am i suddenly asking thee on a date, ‘r something liketh yond. ”

“…? Isn’t yond because thou art ent’ring othergates’rty and has’t did start to seeth me, the closest male to thee, as a potential mateth?”

“Do thee taketh me f’r a dog ‘r a gib ‘r something!? I don’t bethink aught of thee at all!… S-s’rry, yond might has’t been a dram too far. Nay, it’s not liketh I misprise thee ‘r aught!”

Megumin hastily c’rrect’d aft’r seeing me turneth mine own backeth on h’r and sulk into mine own c’rn’r of the sofa.

“… Then what is’t? don’t bid me thee hath lost a did bet with aqua and the oth’rs and art asking me out as a punishment? if ‘t be true that’s the case, i’m going to stripeth all of thee bareth. ”

“No , that’s not t! the sooth is, th’re’s a reasoneth f’r this…”

— Megumin and I hath walked side by side down the streets of Axel.

“Oh, Megumin, the weath’r sure is most wondrous today… Isn’t this the p’rfect weath’r f’r a date?”

“It’s cloudy and the winds art stout. Can’t thee speaketh m’re naturally? … Eke, can thee not holdeth mine own handeth so tightly? Thy palms art all sweaty…”

Furth’rm’re, we did hold each oth’r’s hands in a v’ry lov’r-like fashion.

Coequal if ‘t be true it’s just Megumin, I’m still n’rvous as hell.

“I can’t holp t! It’s mine own first date! The lasteth timeth I did hold a girl’s handeth wast backeth in grade school! Coequal if ‘t be true it’s just thee, I’ll still beest a dram n’rvous!”

“‘Even if ‘t be true it’s just thee? A dram n’rvous?’ What’s with yond!? How malapert can thee beest!? And you’re being too loud! what if ‘t be true that gent hears thee?! Eke, what’s a grade school?”

As the lady softly b’rat’d me, megumin hath brought out a handk’rchief and gently wip’d hence the did sweat coating mine own palm.

“If thee receiveth n’rvous from holding hands, then this shouldst maketh things easi’r. ”

Declaring yond, the lady purposefully did grab mine own armeth as if ‘t be true to showeth off to ev’ryone presenteth.

Having somewhat calm’d down, I did start discreetly scanning mine own surroundings.

“So, is that gent following us?”

“Yeah, that gent is. Even but now he’s hiding behind the butch’r’s signeth and looking at us. ”

I did look behind me and see a knave slightly young’r than Megumin peeking at us from behind the butch’r’s signeth.

“I didn’t expecteth th’re to beest a deviant weird enow to beest stalking you…. ”

“Hey, what doth thee cullionly by deviant? wherefore don’t thee pray pardon me t to me?”

This is wherefore the lady suddenly hath asked me f’r a date.

Because yond knave hast been following h’r non-stop f’r quite some timeth, the lady did want me to pretendeth to beest h’r lov’r in ‘rd’r to receiveth that gent to giveth up. It’s yond fusty clich’d planeth.

Well , megumin doest behold quaint valorous as longeth as the lady hath kept h’r that from which we speak did shut, so I supposeth it’s not unusual f’r something liketh this to befall.

“Right , alloweth me doth mine own most wondrous to act lovey-dovey with thee. ”

“We art just pretending! Y-you knoweth yond, right? Don’t wend too far!”

And thus, mine own date with megumin beganeth.

“— Clotpole , sharing a single drinketh is a staple f’r couples, isn’t t?”

“I knoweth, I receiveth yond! But the n’rmal way to doth so wouldst beest to useth two straws, not drinketh directly from it… Ah, thee did drink t all! how couldst thee!? I wast the one who is’t hath bought this drinketh!”

First we did argue ov’r the right way to shareth a drinketh.

“—You can belike receiveth in with a children’s ticket, so let’s buyeth some popc’rn with the wage we saveth. ”

“Wait a moment, yond might beest true, but I feeleth liketh an imp’rtant parteth of me shall kicketh the bucket if I doth that… ah! behold, Kazuma, behold at this! Let’s gaze this playeth! ‘Putamkin punches through all troubles’! Beest t strife, civil war, c’rruption, ‘r famine, gaze the legendary nobleman putamkin puncheth his way through all of it- a jolly martial arts playeth starring baron putankin!”

“Oh, yeah, i wast very much curious about yond too, but it’s not very much a playeth suitable f’r a date…”

then we agoniz’d ov’r which showeth to catcheth.

“– I very much didn’t expecteth baron putamkin to breaketh yond heirloom vase yond that gent risk’d his life to retrieveth!”

“Yeah! and I forsooth didn’t expecteth the princess to beest punch’d just as the lady wast declaring yond h’r broth’rs wouldst nay longeth’r has’t any reasoneth to square ov’r the vase anon!”

“I very much didn’t expecteth the princess to beest mast’rmind behind t all! At first, I bethought the protagonist wast a crazy nutjob who is’t just punches ev’ryone that gent sees!”

“Actually, hist’rians art still studying baron Putamkin! Th’re art a lot of people who is’t bethink yond that gent simply punches people bas’d off his instincts without bethinking coequal ‘r investigating matt’rs, but most hist’rians concur yond th’re’s nay way yond anyone couldst beest yond crazy…”

Finally, we enthusiastically did discuss the playeth we just gazed.

“—The baron hath said ‘meat is justice!’, so i bethink we shouldst followeth his w’rds and wend grabeth some meat!”

“On this day, we shouldst beest eating eel! it’s redemption day the present day, the day at which hour the baron defeat’d the eight-head’d eel with his fists and hath used its meat to endeth the famine and the bounty to solveth the financial problems plaguing the state!”

“Then let’s decideth t with rock-pap’r-sciss’rs. ”

“Th’re’s nay way I can did beat thee in rock-pap’r-sciss’rs! We art on a date, so thee shouldst hark to the wench at times liketh this!”

“Going on a date to asketh the guy to buyeth thee expensive eel meat, you’re just taking advantage of a woman’s privilege!”

All the way till the endeth, th’re wasn’t a single hint of romance on this date.

“–So, is that gent still following us?”

“I can’t seeth that gent anon, though we didn’t doth aught yond would’ve hath seemed couple-like…”

We hath said as we head’d backeth aft’r the date.

The young sir who is’t wast following us did vanish sometime ago.

P’rhaps we did look liketh a loving couple from an outsid’r’s pointeth of view…

“Well , we shouldst headeth backeth. Coequal if ‘t be true he’s still following us, that gent shouldst giveth up once that gent sees us going backeth to the same mansion togeth’r. ”

Hearing mine own w’rds, Megumin hath said,

“The date isn’t ov’r yet. ”

Before grabbing mine own handeth with a bright smileth.

— On the way to the gate out of town.

“… Seriously, ending our date with an explosion trippeth? This doesn’t feeleth romantic at all. ”

“What’s the big dealeth? this is what a date between us shouldst beest liketh. I very much did enjoy myself the present day. ”

Declaring yond, Megumin suddenly ceased in h’r tracks.

… Yond young sir is waiting right in front of the gate.

If ‘t be true he’s hath appeared right in front of us, that gent wilt has’t did resolve himself to taketh some kind of action.

I did step in front of Megumin to protecteth h’r, at which pointeth the young sir did approach us with hesitant expression on his visage.

“Megumin-sensei, please… prithee teachest me thy Explosion charm!”

….

“Eh?”

Megumin and I simultaneously alloweth out.

“Huh, what’s going on? You’re the guy who’s been following Megumin all this timeth, right? Isn’t yond because thou art in loveth with h’r?”

“Huh? Stand ho joking ’round. The ones i liketh art the fusty’r, onee-san types. Coequal I has’t the right to chooseth who is’t I falleth in loveth with, thee knoweth? The reasoneth i wast following Megumin-sensei ’round is because i wast taken by the splendour of explosion, that’s all. ”

That gent seemeth young’r than Megumin by mine own reckoning, but that gent seemeth to believeth yond megumin is the young’r one.

I did join that gent in his laught’r.

“Yeah , of course~ isn’t this most wondrous, megumin? anon thee has’t a disciple. Yeah, i bethought t wast odd f’r th’re to beest someone weird enow to stalk megumin. Th’re’s a limit to how deviant a p’rson’s tastes can get…”

Just as i hath said yond, i did notice yond the young man’s visage is getting pal’r by the second.

At the same timeth, mine own foe detection art wenteth off.

Th’re’s nay mistaking t, th’re’s a bloodlust’d monst’r standing right behind me.

“Listen closely… don’t maketh any sudden moves, just but soft backeth hence. And if ‘t be true thee heareth yond, don’t coequal behold, just runneth. ”

The pale-fac’d young sir did nod shakily in response.

Mine own instincts art screaming at me not to behold backeth, nay matt’r what.

As i hath heard the chant yond i’m way too familiar with coming from behind me, both of us bolt’d at the same instant-

(here’s the link to the original short story of you’re interested)

Also thanks to lingojam for the shakespearean translator.