There’s well-known and famous, and then there’s notorious.

The same woman who wants your empathy this holiday season (because she is now resigned to a fate of living out her remaining years with 17 cats) doesn’t deserve any after her attempts to fertilize herself without a man’s consent failed. This neat little trick is called “sperm-jacking” where a woman reaches into the garbage and extracts the sperm from a discarded condom which an otherwise responsibly-behaved man used to protect himself, her, and the life of an unwanted child.

… or maybe she didn’t want to swallow, so she politely excused herself to the bathroom, spit in her own hand and then fingered his load into herself while he was still under the haze of orgasm – unable to even IMAGINE that she could be in the next room pulling this unimaginable stunt. Yes. We know. Just the thought is utterly vile. So glad you agree.

Now she thinks she is “doing men a favor” by warning you there are virtually no limits to a woman’s selfish strategies. Yet she failed to warn the man she pretended to “love”, because you mean more to her than he ever did.

Try and conceptualize that one. It’s OK. We’ll wait.

She asks you to “spare a thought” for her this holiday season, and the millions of women like her. Here’s a thought. After you thank whatever God you believe in that your mind doesn’t even reach into that kind of evil, imagine if you were conceived this way. Imagine if your existence came about because she didn’t want you to slide down the crack of her ass and end up as a brown stain on the mattress, so she “saved” you from the garbage can.

Nice. Thanks Mom. Happy Mothers Day. Have some flowers. And P.S. where’s Dad?

The fact that it didn’t work – more than once – is proof that nature repeatedly selected her for extinction. And rightly so. Once wasn’t enough. She still didn’t get the message. Not only did no man want to breed with her, but her own attempt at perpetuating more young against the will of father nature made certain she goes the way of the Dodo bird.

Gentlemen, guard your sperm like Fort Knox. Since it will cost you $250K to raise one child to 18, remind yourself: no orgasm is worth 216 monthly payments. You don’t have to flush it and ruin your plumbing when you can put tabasco sauce in the condom to kill the sperm…. in case any one of millions of women like her ever tries this stunt, she will burn herself instead of you.

How satisfying would it be to hear own self-inflicted screams coming from the bathroom.

Better than sex with her, you can wager.