Maybe you’re trying to name a baby; maybe you’re trying to lobby your buddy to name his kid after you; or maybe you just want to know how many Nobel Laureates share your own name. Whatever questions you have, the Fatherly Name-O-Matic can help. Just feed the Name-O-Matic a name and discover everything from its popularity among professional athletes to how likely you are to have the FBI busting down your door. It can save an unborn child from decades of unforeseen teasing, and save you from … actually, you’re screwed — unless you’re awesome.

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