15/16 should have been a year of hope. A year of optimism. Instead it was a fucking mess from the word go.

The year started with the teams outside of the 'Big 6' immediately firing their managers, each one replaced by a man who had never held a job in football management before.

The newcomers:

NickTM -> Crystal Palace

Your friendly (citation needed) neighbourhood moderator. Nick was immediately under pressure as he not only worked on the game, but because he also was in control of his boyhood club.

ShadyBeaver -> Sunderland

It'd be fair to say that he wasn't exactly chuffed by David Moyes' reign as Sunderland manager. With some mutterings about a tinpot cunt, and a British only signing model, Beavs was out to prove everyone wrong by making Sunderland a force to be reckoned with.

Daiko -> Newcastle

Daiko embraced his club's rivalry like no other, and was shit talking Sunderland from the word go. Bringing his moneyball approach to the Magpies, Daiko was telling everyone who would listen that he was making it to the Europa League.

Wyetye -> Leicester

When we decided that we weren't going overpowered teams, we must have forgotten about Leicester and all of their bullshit. Wyetye remained humble, preferring to listen to the shit talking rather than take part in it. Probably safe in the knowledge that his team was fucking ridiculous.

SecondDoctor -> West Ham

Doctor brought his Scottish charm (he shouted a lot) to the London based squad. He then passed things along to his assistant manager and never looked back.

DynamiteShovel -> Aston Villa

The only positive thing I can say about Shovel's preseason is that at least things kinda worked out for him in the end. He wasn't last, so that's a positive.

TSP -> West Brom

I genuinely don't remember anything TSP did, and judging by what little he wrote in his version of this, neither does Nick.

TSP shouted for us to advance a lot.

GRI -> Bounemouth

This Is A Great hOnour for me to be wrIting the expLOits of gRI.

No one knows -> Southampton

Seriously, who the fuck was in charge of Southampton originally? Did we ever figure it out?

JoeTheSaint -> Swansea

He joined late, got fired early and yet still managed to save face when all was said and done. Joe had an eventful season, but where's the fun in a normal run?

Kev -> Everton

The less said about Kev the better.

SwedishTurnip -> Stoke

I want to say even less here.

Cyenso -> Norwich

Cyenso was a bit of a mystery for the season, only showing up when his team needed him the least. The rest we'll get into later...

Solly -> Watford

Another late joiner, Solly took over high-flying Watford. I'll explain the rest in great detail later.

Timmsy -> Liverpool

Timmsy joined later than some, but earlier than other, yet still managed to score one of the FORBIDDEN TEAMS in Liverpool.

Preseason:

If people thought things would calm down once Preseason got underway they were sorely mistaken as the new managers voted to implement a No Transfer Policy in the first window, which limited them to bringing in Free Agents on incredibly limited budgets. Not only that, but there were also limits on Wonderkids (Players like Mammana, Romero, Lincoln and Maia... Quick spoilers. You may want to keep a few of those names in mind.)

With several older players sitting without contract, things got off to a wild start as DynamiteShovel brought in Alessandro Del Piero. I'm no psychic, but I think even I can take a guess at Del Piero's train of thought when, despite announcing that he would retire in two months time, the manager of Aston Villa was sat in front of him, holding a 50k a week contract in his hands.

While everyone mocked Shovel for his transfer, Danny Shittu was throwing everything he could pack into his car and tearing his way up to Goodison Park, screaming something about a 30k a week contract.

In response to this move, Shovel immediately got Nigel Reo-Coker's agent on the phone, and by the end of the week, there was a deal in place which saw Reo-Coker return to the Premier League! To one up Everton's boss, the Villa manager managed to show the pull he had as he brought in football legend, Pele. Yes, that Pele! The 37 year old Cape Verdean was on the plane as quickly as his two pace would let him

The rest of the league were trying to maintain some level of sanity however, with several flooding their backroom with new staff, and Scouts were flying worldwide to bring their new bosses the information that would be needed once the January Market opened and signings could finally be made.

Up north, the Tyne-Wear derby had fully kicked into gear as the Newcastle and Sunderland managers had fully embraced their respective clubs hatred of one another. Shots were fired, barbs were thrown, and the table was set for the most heated rivalry of the season.

Games came fast for West Ham, as they were immediately thrust in to a Europa Campaign. The pressure was immediate on SecondDoctor, who was expected to get results. In what has been since considered his best move as West Ham manager, he left the tactics and managing of those games to his Assistant.

Things were going well in Liverpool as new manager Timmsy arrived, and was immediately greeted by a new face that his board had brought in Emmanuel Mammana as a welcome gift. Timmsy excitedly told the rest of the league about his new gift, only to be reminded that the man in question was completely off limits because OP doesn't even begin to cover how good he is. A little miffed, Timmsy threw his new toy into the reserves, where he has remained ever since.

Game Time:

With the new season finally on the horizon, the Crystal Palace, Newcastle and Sunderland managers got together and decided to create the 'CasUK Cup', a preseason tournament between the three of them and an invited team. With Norwich looking confident, the three agreed that this would make a perfect opener to the season, and the draw took place soon after. Sunderland vs. Newcastle stood out as the early highlight, giving both Daiko and ShadyBeaver an early opportunity to silence their rival.

The hype for this match was unrivalled in CasUK FM history, but Beavs refused to be drawn into it, electing to remain quiet. That was fine though, because Daiko had gone supernova at this point and was doing enough shit talking for 100 men.

With the shit talking between the two beginning to plateau a little, game day was a welcome sight for everyone. The teams lined up, the managers resumed their shit talking and then nothing happened.

Over in Selhurst Park, the fans were treated to a great display between Palace and Norwich, who were battling each other to the best of their abilities, sparking what would turn out to be a fairly friendly rivalry between the two managers.

Back at the Tyne-Wear derby, the game plodded along into extra time. The West Ham manager, who was in attendance for the game, could be heard clearly as he screamed obscenities at the "useless twats" on the pitch. The Newcastle and Sunderland managers, having seen where things were going, decided to fuck off at half time, leaving everything to their Assistants.

In Selhurst, things ended and Crystal Palace were moving on to the CasUK Cup Final, having slipped past Norwich who put on a brave display.

Back at the derby, the two sides had managed to fuck up for 120 minutes, and had eventually made it to penalties. Once again, the West Ham manager could be heard, this time questioning his life choices.

Each side stepped up to the penalty spot, and with the first four shots, they somehow failed to score. Security were physically restraining SecondDoctor at this point, who was struggling to make his way down to the pitch so he could show them how to kick a fucking ball.

Eventually the shootout ended, and Newcastle walked out victors. Neither side truly felt like they had won though.

Some say that on match days you can still hear SecondDoctor screaming at players for missing a shot.

The final came quickly, and on the back of a strong performance from Jordan Mutch, Crystal Palace walked out as the winners of the first CasUK Cup.

Things calmed down a little from here as the opening week drew close.

The League Starts:

After all of the mess that was the preseason, the league started in a surprisingly normal fashion. Leicester and Crystal Palace went shot for shot in a 2-2 draw, Aston Villa were banished to the Shadow Realm after a 4-1 loss to West Ham, and in the tie of the round, Everton managed to steal a point with a 3-3 draw against 9-man Watford. Watford's run continued the next week as they got another 3-3 draw, this time with Spurs.

Norwich vs. Crystal Palace

It all started as a fairly regular game. Norwich coming off of a 4-1 loss against Arsenal, while Palace had managed to scrape past Leicester and Bournemouth, picking up 4 points.

27,000 people packed in side Carrow Road watched a fairly unspectacular first 45 minutes, with the hosts leading thanks to Patrick Bamford's goal in the 18th minute.

The second half was much the same as the first. Both teams battling back and forth, but neither could truly break the other down, and as the 80th minute passed, it seemed like this would end a fairly dull affair.

Then suddenly in the 82nd minute, Jason Puncheon scores! 1-1!

No, 2-1 Norwich. Robbie Brady in the 83rd!

2-2!! Wilfried Zaha drives one home in the 84th.

Suddenly the game burst into life, defence forgotten, both teams bore down upon the other, each taking their turn at goal.

3-2 Norwich! Cameron Jerome in the 86th!

Things got quiet momentarily, the fans stunned by a quite frankly bizarre 5 minutes of non-stop action that turned a boring game in...

3-3! Zaha. The winger pops up for Palace, giving them hope that they've just snatched a point!

Palace settled back, hoping that they'd done enough, but no! Redmond, who'd had a fairly quiet game pops up with the 92 minute winner.

Everyone, including the fans, clearly wanted this one to go another 10 minutes, but the officials weren't having it, and the referee blew his whistle, drawing things to a close.

Even More League Talk:

By the end of September, the league was beginning to come together, with Leicester flying high in third, and Newcastle under performing, partly due to poor late game management, but mostly due to poor discipline, which saw the Magpies amass several red cards in quick succession.

The shenanigans continued in October when Alessandro Del Piero called time on his illustrious career. Despite DynamiteShovel's infatuation with the man, league sources can confirm that no other manager was impressed by Del Piero's time at Villa Park. The highlight of his time at the Villains being a missed penalty against Manchester United says it all really.

Heartbroken by the loss of his Number 10, the Aston Villa manager searched far and wide, scouting youth aca... He signed Ronaldinho. Just going to take a moment here to point out that Shovel replaced his immobile set piece specialist that was the centrepiece of his team not because he's a good player, but solely because he was good 10 years ago with an immobile set piece specialist that would end up as the centrepiece of his team, not because he's a good player, but solely because he was good 10 years ago.

Over at Crystal Palace, their manager had something special brewing as, despite only getting one win, he managed to remain undefeated, seeing off Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea, sparking hope in the London side, kick-starting what would end up being an unbeaten run lasting until late January when he would lose against DynamiteShovel's Aston Villa for the second time.

Down South, Bournemouth temporarily slipped out of their shaky form, managing to pick up 7 points from Spurs, Everton and Leicester, which should have set them up perfectly for the rest of the season. Instead, they fell in to a coma and didn't win another league game until January, only picking up 3 points out of a possible 33.

Everton were having an interesting time of it. In their first 11 games, they had managed to draw 7 and lose 4. They then managed to sneak three points from West Ham's assistant manager, but returned to their half destroyed state after that, failing to pick up a win in the next 15 league games.

Leicester started the season brilliantly, managing to make it until Haloween before finally losing. A 5-0 win over Newcastle in which they scored 4 goals with 4 shots was the highlight of the run. Jamie Vardy had continued his title winning run of form, and was scoring for fun, seeming to notch a goal every game for the Foxes.

Newcastle began the season slowly, losing horribly to both Manchester City and Leicester. Their only solace until October being a LATE GOAL FROM TIAGO ILORI AGAINST BOUNEMOUTH! Things picked up around mid October though, with Jonjo Shelvey scoring a thunderbolt in the 90th minute to seal the win against Sunderland, whose manager was oddly absent. The run continued though October and November as the Magpies blew Manchester United away with a 4-1 win. Liverpool and Palace proved to be stumbling blocks, but things kept going until late December.

Norwich were in the middle of a great run of form come October, and despite a loss against Spurs on Halloween and another against United near Christmas, the Canaries were flying high, and were looking like they had the form needed to push for European Qualification.

Southampton were decent for a few games. Complete shite for a few more. Not a whole lot to say here.

Stoke were looking at Everton's points, begging for a run of form like that as they managed to go winless until early December and then again until Feburary. Things weren't looking good for the Potters, and their constant manager changes weren't exactly inspiring confidence.

Sunderland were shite in October, shite in November, great in December and then shite again in January and February. It wasn't until two well placed Friendlies in March that their form returned.

Swansea were shite in October, shite in November, shite in December and then shite some more in January and February.

Watford started the season brilliantly, with the fans singing Quique Flores' name loud and proud as they managed to find themselves sneaking around the Champions League positions. Things fell flat in December though as, coming off a loss against Palace, they went on a draw, loss, draw, loss run, which saw them drop down to 7th. They then hired Solly, who managed to take them down some more after his INGENIOUS signings of Jack Colback and Andros Townsend for 9 million.

West Brom were just shite. Despite their manager's constant assurances that Dalglish's Box was the greatest tactic known to man, West Brom managed to be just as shit as Stoke and Everton. They were sneaking wins against the Tyne-Wear teams, but losing or drawing everything else. It wasn't until February that their real worth was shown, but I'll dedicate a section to that when it's time.

West Ham's manager, SecondDoctor, was still on a self appointed holiday, his final order instructing the club to pass everything through his poor assistant manager. For someone who really shouldn't have been put in this position, the AssMan managed to pull his weight, bringing the Hammers up to the comfort of midtable despite a poor January and February.

Budgets are in:

December rolled around slowly and with it came the first budgets that any of the managers had been given. January was around the corner, and with it came the end of the signing embargo the managers had placed on themselves.

Transfers were being confirmed fast. Crystal Palace and Norwich were snapping up every young star they could get their grubby little mitts on, Newcastle were signing anyone with a pulse, Sunderland were putting their 'British Only' rule into work, and the rest of the teams were bringing in their own future stars.

The star we're going to focus on though was being brought in by Aston Villa. With a World Cup, a Champions League and several Bundesligas under his belt, this signing, while old, was sure to be the man needed to shore up Villa's leaky defence. He may not be as quick as he once was, but the vision for the game remained, and this Brazilian centre back would no doubt remain one step ahead of any attacker. The Villa manager was proud of himself, even going so far as to pat his own back for his genius. Contract confirmed, both parties happy to be joining forces. It's only a matt... What's that you say? Lucio's injured? That's fine he'll be back soon enough. We'll ease him back i... Retiring? Oh.

As Shovel mourned was could have been, the rest of the league cried together as the January transfer window took a fucking age to close. It seemed like every 15 minutes the world just stopped dead, giving some cunt time to make a new transfer offer which would no doubt see the world stop in 15 minutes time. To be a little less subtle, this game is a fucking horror show when you have multiple players. Transfer Windows take a fucking age, even if no one has any budget left.

Most signings were finalised in December, but a few idiots managed to fuck that up and spent millions signing players only to find out that they were actually arriving at the start of the next season. Whoever the main culprit of this was will remain a mystery, but I'll give you a hint. I felt like a right twat when I noticed.

Over at Crystal Palace, Nick began a new tradition for the club as he made an obscene amount of money moving Zaha and Cabaye on. In the upcoming seasons Nick would continue this, acquiring more dough than a baker with hoarding issues. Youth were no longer respected members of the squad. Now they were just walking bags of money that the manager would occasionally poke, just to see if they were ripe for selling. This trend continues today, but now Nick is occasionally more willing to "swing his money dick around".

The Second Half Begins:

The second half of the season powered on as everyone threw money everywhere. Games were played, league positions changed, and once the smoke of January/February had cleared, the league began to finally take its final shape.

Up top there was Spurs, Chelsea, City, Leicester, Palace and Norwich all fighting for the top four. With Solly at the helm, Watford continued to tumble down the table, eventually coming to a stop in 9th.

The mid-table sides were scrapping it out together. None truly looking like they'd catch the European spots, but none willing to drop down any further. Arsenal were struggling, but they couldn't risk dropping points as Sunderland, Newcastle, Liverpool and West Ham were all snapping at their heels.

Down at the bottom, things were getting depressing. With West Brom and Stoke all but confirmed to go down, the final spot looked like it was destined to go to one of Aston Villa, Everton and Bournemouth.

Things looked to be going moderately well for everyone who wasn't complete and utter shit until...

Beavs 1-0 Mouse:

Both Sunderland and West Brom came in to their late February game needing a win to push further up the table.

Things immediately started poorly for ShadyBeaver's Sunderland as right back Billy Jones (His managers insists I call him 'White Cafu') tries to pass the ball back to his keeper, but it's intercepted and TSP's West Brom go up 1-0. The game dies down a little, but soon after, Lamine Kone picks up the ball inside the box, and instead of clearing it, he tries to send it back to his goalkeeper, only for the ball to be intercepted, and West Brom to go 2-0 up.

Everyone listening in on the Discord Chat was already dying of laughter as Beavs called out his team for being shit, but that was nothing compared to the reaction when, following the second goal, a huge CRACK was heard. Speculation was a-plenty about what just happened, and Beavs managed to put it all to rest beautifully with a few words. "Lads, my mouse is broken".

Voice chat fucking dies of laughter, some praising TSP for causing the rage, some laughing at Beavs for raging and some just laughing because this picture (https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/304340237583122452/312319486378377217/image.jpg) was soon posted into the chat.

Turns out he was 'spinning his mouse' and 'accidentally spun too hard'.

Womp womp.

It's nearly done!:

Skipping over the sweet fuck all that happened in March and April to get to the good shit. The league was coming to a close.

At the bottom, Stoke and West Brom had already given up, and they were both trying to out shithouse one another, each looking to take the best available club that was promoted from the Championship.

Up top, Crystal Palace were defying the odds and had managed to move into first, gaining a 7 point lead with 4 games to go. The other managers in the league were already congratulating Nick TM for 'walking' the league. Despite his claims that there was still time left, the other managers refused to stop. They insisted he had walked it, and his walking it had walked him to the Title.

Turns out jinxes do work, because he lost all four of his remaining games, and instead of walking away with the title, he finished third. A great performance, certainly, but lets not have his achievements get in our way. He bottled the league. Shithouse manager.

The final day approached and with it came endless entertainment.

Villa or Everton:

Things were looking bleak for Aston Villa as they struggled to guarantee their safety towards the end of the season. Nothing was working, and after a 92nd minute winner from Redmond in their loss against Norwich, the Villains found themselves needing a win against Swansea to increase their chances of surviving the year.

Everton were on a great run of form under new manager Kev, having seen off Sunderland, Arsenal and Crystal Palace, which gave them a chance to survive in the Premier League and truly solidify the Kevolution in footballing hearts worldwide.

In the final game, Keverton only managed to squeeze a draw from his game against Sunderland, which meant Shovel's Villa had to beat Swansea to stay up. It was do or die for them, and in the first half, the team showed up. An early goal gave Villa the lead, and the side went in pleased with themselves. The second half was a drab affair as Shovel's side parked the bus, forcing Swansea to take shots from range. With the game coming to a close, and Shovel's hopes lifting, a ball was swung in from the wing, and Fernando Llorente rose to meet it. The Spanish head connected with the ball beautifully, send it careening to Brad Guzan's goal. The American shifted his feet and then threw himself to his right! LLORENTE SCORES! A late late goal for the Spaniard! Villa power forward from the kick off, but before anything can come of it, the referee blows his whistle, dooming Aston Villa to relegation.

The usual quiet of Shovel is broken beautifully as he launches into a 5 minute tirade in which he insults his players, the board and most of all, Llorente. The chat are dying once more, everyone questioning if Shovel actually thought he was staying up having signed the likes of Del Piero and Ronaldinho. The broken yes that we got in return was the single most heartbreaking thing that I have ever heard.

No time to stick around for that though, as another piece of CasUK FM's folklore was about to be written.

El Shittico:

When both Stoke and West Brom realised that they were within two point of one another on the final day, and they were facing one another, the entire chat immediately called for them to face off in the worst match ever conceived.

The manager in last place would get first pick of the Championship sides that were being promoted. Second last would get second pick. Third last, third pick.

So, in order for Stoke's SwedishTurnip and West Brom's TSP to get a good pick, they would need to intentionally lose to the other person. This meant the youth were all starting, and no one was playing in position. TSP even called up recently acquired youth SAMERON DOOL, a bad striker with a fucking great name.

For the first 25 minutes of the game, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. No goals were scored. It wasn't until both sides switched to a 0-5-5 formation that things got hilarious.

Piggot threw the ball up the field, and due to the high line, Tyler Roberts was already 5 yards clear of any defenders by the time he crossed the half way line. He moved the ball to Leko, who dragged the ball into the box and put it in the path of debutant, SAMERON DOOL who buried the chance, getting his first professional goal!

This was immediately followed up with a second West Brom goal as SAMERON DOOL put the ball in the path of Roberts who finished superbly.

Immediately after that Stoke ran up the pitch and Geoff Cameron slotted the ball into the back of the net after Boaz Myhill parried Afellay's shot.

It took another 6 minutes for the fourth goal of the game, which was scored by Sébastien Pocognoli. Joselu followed that up with Stoke's second, bringing the game back to 3-2.

The rest of the half passed by without incident, but with the second 45 minutes came a whole new degree of insanity.

Immediately SAMERON DOOL burst the back of the net with his second of the game, which was quickly followed by his third, making it 5-2.

Lasse Vibe brought things back to 5-3 and Stoke's new keeper Charlie Adam punted the ball up to Joselu, who slotted the ball past Tyler Roberts to make it 5-4.

Goalkeeper Charlie Adam swung in an inch perfect corner, which was met by Shaqiri, who tied things at 5-5!

Gamboa made it 6-5 for West Brom, and at this point, everyone in the voice chat has given up hope on life. Every possession was a new highlight, and things were getting ridiculous.

SAMERON DOOL continued his incredible debut making it 7-5 with his fourth of the game.

Piggot quickly made it 8, but Geoff Cameron got Stoke another goal to make it 8-6. Afellay followed that making it 8-7.

One more quickly followed from Afellay, tying it up once more.

9-8 - Vibe for Stoke!

9-9 - Piggot!

10-9 - Glen Johnson!

11-9 - Erik Pieters!

12-9 - Lasse Vibe!!!

West Brom had done it! Stoke may have won the game, but in doing so, they moved ahead of West Brom, letting Richard Forster III take the first pick of the promoted clubs!

In a game that saw 21 goals, 61 shots, 5 strikes off the woodwork, 14 corners and a yellow card, SAMERON DOOL's miraculous debut and Lasse Vibe get a hat-trick and four assist, El Shittico was the cherry on what had been the funniest sundae in history.

How it all ended:

With all of that shit said and done, it was finally time to see how the league stood.

Palace fumbled it all in the end, but still managed to take home a respectable third place finish.

Arsenal finished 10th while Spurs won the league, causing the immediate meltdown of Troopz, who can still be found walking around London, his head in his hands, muttering wenger out.

Norwich and Leicester managed to find themselves in the Europa League spots, gaining support from their fanbases because of it.

Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United had a poor season, finishing 13th, 10th and 7th respectively.

The rest of the teams were about where they were expected to be.

https://i.gyazo.com/bd6a4b672c882291d0bfb9b5a594df2f.png

Fin:

With the season done, everyone moved on to bigger and better things.

Palace were selling everyone with a pulse.

Sunderland were making moves, making moves, making million dollar moves.

Newcastle finally managed to find the players they signed in January.

Solly continued to complain about Jack Colback.

Villa's Shovel took over Wolves.

West Brom's TSP took over Derby.

Swede took over someone else. I forget who. Doesn't matter though, he eventually moved on to bigger and more bullshitty things.