Jose Mourinho’s new contract has fed itself through a hidden shredder in Ed Woodward’s filing cabinet, High Press News can confirm.

The contract, which would’ve kept Mourinho at United until 2020 and necessitates a substantial pay-out if terminated early, is now null and void according to Woodward’s legal team.

“We were definitely planning to stick with him,” explained Woodward, who we found lingering outside Zinedine Zidane’s Spanish Villa hiding a conspicuous erection. “But unfortunately the contract itself had other ideas. I’d love to draft up a new one, but my printer ran out of ink this morning. It’s just been one of those days.”

Mourinho has responded with a shrug of his shoulders and an ambiguous grumble, which we understand means he’s either incredibly disappointed or exceptionally pleased.

More to follow.