If you want to go up against a sommelier, you must have a strategy. (You know about strategies, right? They're what the United States doesn't have when we conduct military operations in the Middle East.) You are confronting a man or woman who knows more about wine than you will ever know, and your mission is to act as though that isn't true.

It's too late to study the lesser-known regions of France—Jura, Corsica, Savoie—since the sommelier is one of most deeply learned restaurant employees you'll meet. But you might make an impression if you know something about Austrian pinot noirs. Start by learning that they go by the name Blauburgunder or Spätburgunder. If the sommelier is impressed, ask, "Whose pinot do you prefer, Ebner-Ebenauer's or Loimer's?" Unless the sommelier is a student of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, you'll be way ahead.

You might make an impression if you know something about Austrian pinot noirs.

A grab bag of obscure factoids, ready to be dispersed, is another option. Sommeliers love obscurity, and they know more insignificant details about wine than sportswriters know about baseball. It was by this method that I once, and only once, awed a sommelier.

That delightful event took place at Lafayette, in New York, a few decades ago. The sommelier came by, we chatted about the menu, and he suggested a red Burgundy from the 1983 vintage. I felt a charge go through my body, unequaled since the astonishing moment in sixth grade when the lovely Olivia Biggs agreed to dance with me. I was ready.

"Wasn't there hail in the vineyards that year?" I asked.

Yes, there was. Hailstorms are the destroyer of crops, the harbingers of rot. The sommelier stepped back, bowed his head almost imperceptibly, and my preeminence was established. It was then, and remains to this day, my greatest triumph in wine. I've never run into that sommelier again, and I think I know why. I was Buster Douglas to his Mike Tyson. I doubt his pride survived such a humiliating blow.

This article comes from our guide to bullshitting your way through any situation. Read the entire syllabus for an advanced course in the art of B.S. here.

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