It’s 2014, I’m 25 years old, and I’m here to put to rest a myth that I first heard in 1999, at the ripe, old age of 11. One that has brought me more torment and fact-checking that any other in my gaming life; and one that, after many years of trying, I’m finally ready to bury.

We’ve all heard it. Many of us even believed it at one time; but let me assure each and every one of you reading this right now, the following myth is not, I repeat, is not true in any way, shape, or form. Stay away from it, don’t try it, it won’t work, it never has, it never will. Now that that’s out of my system, it goes a little something like this:

In the original Pokemon games it’s possible to catch Mew if you follow a very specific series of steps. First of all, when you get to the part of the game where you board the S.S. Anne (something you can do only once, adding credibility to the dastardly myth), have two pokemon with you; one that knows surf, and a Machoke that knows strength. Got it? No you don’t, this is a myth, silly.

Next, once you get to the part where you depart from the cruise liner, do not, under any circumstances, go too far forward, or you’ll lose your chance at Mew forever, as you won’t be allowed to go back once you’ve ventured upwards one screen (once again, adding a hint of believability to this devilish lie).

Now it’s time for the magic to take place. Go to the right side of the dock and use surf. Swim over to this little piece of land where, what’s this?! A pick-up truck awaits, all by its lonesome, dying to be examined for the secrets that lie within. After all, what other reason would the programmers have to put a random pick-up truck in an area of the game you would have to be very observant to make it to? Trolling is not as new as you might think, my friends.

OK, standing in front of the truck? It’s time to (do absolutely nothing) catch your Mew! Bring up your pokemon list, select Machoke, and use strength. Pick-up trucks, Schmickup trucks, this bad boy’s getting tossed, baby! Walk over to the truck and begin pushing. Marvel as your mighty Machoke makes mince meat of this mechanical giant, pushing it out of the way with ease to reveal a pokeball on the ground where a beat-up Ford once sat. It is here that an epic battle between you and the legendary Mew shall unfold!

Except it doesn’t… As a matter of fact, Machoke can’t even move the damn truck. Your Machoke has been effectively reduced to a Machump; and before you think, “foolish Travis, Machamp is stronger than Machoke, I beat he’s the key!”, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Different pokemon, same result.

Simply put, there is no Mew under the truck. Never in the history of Pokemon has there been a Mew under that truck, and never will there be a Mew under that truck. Henry Ford got us all, big time.

So, there it is. Never again do I want to hear someone come up to me about this, “super cool trick” on the Pokemon games that, “only a few people know about!”. It’s not cool, everyone knows about it, and it doesn’t work. I hate you.

And now, now there’s a new Pokemon generation out there which boasts an extra dimension! I can only begin to imagine all of the, “hidden secrets” lying in wait for the Pokemon X and Y games whose 3rd dimension on the Nintendo 3DS will allow players to explore angles never before explored. Only time will tell, but until then, here’s a video for all of you conspiracy theorists who just sat and read this entire article, only to walk away thinking, “OMG! There’s a Mew under a truck in the original Pokemon games! Travis just can’t figure out how to get it! Why else would the programmers put a truck there?!”…