I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop w#nking.

When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “morning.”

He replied, “No, just having a sh!t.”

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”