CALGARY, Alberta – A proposed driving test for anyone who owns an SUV has Alberta drivers spinning their wheels. For years, many have joked and teased about the inability of everyday people to drive anything larger than a Ford Pinto. It seems the Redford government is taking the car by the horn, so to speak, by instituting a new SUV driving proficiency requirement.

Alison Redford, while seated in her daily driver, a 2009 surplus Calgary Fire Dept. Ladder truck, was quoted as saying:

About 53% of Alberta’s vehicles are SUVs or minivans of some sort, and if we can reduce the number of insurable accidents by even 1%, it’s all win.

The new qualification will require a road test and a written exam. Both are predominantly focused on the driver’s ability to see out of the vehicle and then physically implement that knowledge into a useful tool. Actually LOOKING out of it to watch what they are doing.

It is expected that only 30% of drivers tested in 2014 will pass the exams on the first attempt. Without a Class 5-S license certification, drivers will be limited to driving cars with a wheelbase less than 63.2 inches and no wider than a Smart car. Mercedes and Scion are both gearing up for record sales in Alberta, already sending boatloads (literally) of cars to our province so demand doesn’t outstrip supply once Albertans park their Hummers.

It should be noted, as was pointed out by Guy Flarontent, PC mail-getter, that pickups and heavy trucks are exempt from this testing since they may be required for a large portion of the wage earners in the province.

Jaimy VonSippin, a directional driller from Edson, Alberta, attempted to change his personal plate from THADUSH to FKRDFRD, but it was denied by Alberta Registries when they couldn’t figure out what it meant. Jaimy’s close friend, Tadd Ryder, had a fender bender with a school bus a year ago and is certain he will pass the test so he isn’t worried.