Eschewing the spare, sloppy raiment that looked like it was fished out of dumpster behind a Goodwill that had gone out of business a long while back, billionaire Mark Zuckerberg donned a poorly knotted tie and unofficially officially launched his bid for the Democratic nomination for 2020 at the Political Correctness University Commencement.

This was the main Commencement, incidentally, not the one the blacks of that university held on their own.

Standing under PC’s emblem, on which is emblazoned its stirring motto Verum Non Ut Rideam, and doubtless inspired by the words, Zuckerberg rallied the crowd with cries of “Panem et circenses! Panem et circenses!”

Every generation expands its definition of equality. Now it’s time for our generation to define a new social contract. We should have a society that measures progress not by economic metrics like GDP but by how many of us have a role we find meaningful. We should explore ideas like universal basic income to make sure everyone has a cushion to try new ideas.

Little Z, if I may call him that, is right. Every generation does indeed broaden and expand the definition of Equality, aiming toward the goal of Hell On Earth where a mandated and enforced equality of all in everything will be like a pall smothering all existence. At least we’ll then find our roles of trying to escape full of terrible meaning.

When you don’t have the freedom to take your idea and turn it into a historic enterprise, we all lose.

Would that the nascent Dr Guillotines among us could form their historic enterprises. I weep for our loses! Shouldn’t everybody get to be CEO of their own historic enterprises and make billions of dollars? If not, we all lose. It isn’t fair. Equality demands not that Little Z sell his possessions and follow the Lord, but that we change the system so that all of us can be rich.

…our society is way over-indexed in rewarding people when they’re successful…

Success brings it owns rewards, Little Z? Is it even possible to define success without the notion of reward? I’ll answer for you: no, it is not.

…and we don’t do nearly enough to make sure that everyone can take lots of different shots. Now let’s face it. There is something wrong with our system, when I can leave here and make billions of dollars in ten years, while millions of students can’t afford to pay off their loans, let alone start a business.

He managed to get humble bragging and pandering into the same plug. This means he has native political chops. But what’s this, Little Z, about affording loans? Did you yourself not wisely drop out of school? Or is it that we should not only guarantee everybody free money, but also free funds so that they can start a business and make billions of dollars in ten years? Equality says yes.

I know too many people who haven’t had the chance to pursue their dreams, because they didn’t have a cushion to fall back on if they failed.

So it’s not only a guaranteed income, and guaranteed funds to start a business, but also guaranteed cushions for people to fall back on. That’s a lot of guaranteeing. Little Z has the excessive promising part of political speeches well in hand.

You didn’t build that.

Wait, no. That was the other guy. But Little Z did a good imitation.

Are PC University students, perhaps the most spoiled and coddled children in all of history, really appealed to by arguments of monetary Equality? Aye, they are. Which isn’t a paradox, but proof that coddling makes weak minds.

And we’re all gonna make mistakes. So we need a society that’s less focused on locking us up and stigmatizing us when we do.

Dead silence from the audience. I don’t think anybody told him about that separate graduation.

Listen here, Mark. Take some good advice from your Uncle Briggs. Better make it 2024. Until you can learn to become a better speaker, you’ll get eaten alive in any head-to-head contest. Besides, as it stands now, Trump takes 2020.

One last thing. Your name is unfortunate. I don’t mean that you’re Jewish. Being Jewish didn’t stop people from feeling the Bern. No. It’s that your handle is too easy to pick on. Zuck sucks. Zuck the cuck. Duck! It’s Zuck!. Buck Zuck. Memes of big-nosed icebergs sinking ships. S(z)uckers calling the masses suckers. Hey. Don’t blame me. I’m just guessing. This is a democracy where everybody gets to vote, so these things matter.

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