BIRMINGHAM, UK—A new school of thought on genetic desirability called “eugenics” is starting to evolve. Sir Francis Galston, a polymath in statistics and anthropology began studying the phenomenon that he named after Eugene, a subject he had encountered that inspired his concept.

“Eugene is fascinating from a clinical standpoint,” Galston added, “though he is exceedingly vexing to work with, live with, or interact with in any way.”

Prior to the eugenics philosophy, conventional wisdom was that all people had talents if one looked hard enough for them. If a person was poor at mathematics, they compensated with talents in art or forming social interactions or some other talent area. “If each of the thousands of talent areas could be quantified on a scale of one to ten,” Galston said, “then if someone was born with a 3 or 4 in one category, they would make up for it by being an 8 or a 9 in another.”

The possibility that someone could be a one, or even a zero, in every talent area apparently did not occur to anyone before Eugene. “He may even be reducing the scores of other people in his circle,” Galston added.

“Many people believe reproduction to be a fundamental human right, of course,” said Galton. “But these people have clearly never met Eugene.”

Before any actions could be considered, Eugene self-remedied the situation with a bizarre pruning accident which Galston told us could only have happened to someone with multiple zero scores.