Rob Porter scandal a good time to debunk domestic violence myths

Alia E. Dastagir | USA TODAY

Show Caption Hide Caption Trump: 'Totally opposed to domestic violence' President Donald Trump breaks his silence Wednesday after earlier defending former aide. "I am totally opposed to domestic violence of any kind," he said in remarks to reporters in the Oval Office. (Feb. 14)

It was revealed last week that former White House staff secretary Rob Porter's two ex-wives had accused him of abuse. Porter, who has denied the claims against him, has resigned his post in light of them. The Porter story is now a full-blown political scandal, but as the media and politicians on both sides of the aisle work to determine who knew what and when, it's also worth exploring who said what and why.

From reflexive public reactions like, "why did she stay?" to President Trump's chief of staff John Kelly's initial statement defending Porter as "a man of true integrity and honor," many experts say they see dangerous stereotypes about domestic violence persisting — so much so that even when victims seek help, none is given.

Jennie Willoughby, Porter's second ex-wife wrote in a 2017 blog post:

When I tried to get help, I was counseled to consider carefully how what I said might affect his career. And so I kept my mouth shut and stayed. I was told, yes, he was deeply flawed, but then again so was I. And so I worked on myself and stayed. If he was a monster all the time, perhaps it would have been easier to leave. But he could be kind and sensitive. And so I stayed. He cried and apologized. And so I stayed. He offered to get help and even went to a few counseling sessions and therapy groups. And so I stayed. He belittled my intelligence and destroyed my confidence. And so I stayed. I felt ashamed and trapped. And so I stayed. Friends and clergy didn't believe me. And so I stayed. I was pregnant. And so I stayed. I lost the pregnancy and became depressed. And so I stayed.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the U.S. have been victims of violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime, which it defines as rape, physical violence or stalking. The truth, experts say, is that domestic violence is a pervasive social problem that cuts across race, age, income, sexual orientation, religion and gender — in terms of both victims and perpetrators.

Abusers aren't just big guys wearing "wife beaters." People want to think of all perpetrators as "monsters," said Sherry Hamby, a University of the South psychology professor and founding editor of the American Psychological Association journal Psychology of Violence, but "they don't have horns coming out of their heads and a lot of them can be quite charming when they want to be."

It's difficult for people to reconcile the character of certain men with the behaviors of which they've been accused. The initial defenses of Porter painted him as a man so decent he couldn't possibly have committed such heinous acts.

It was an experience many domestic abuse survivors echoed over the past week on social media with the hashtag #AndSoIStayed.

My ex husband choked me, punched me, pushed me, regularly humiliated me and yet everyone still supported him when I finally found courage and left. I saw his narcissistic evil and cruelty, everyone else saw his performance. #AndSoIStayed #MeToo — Alisa (@AlisaHovha) February 9, 2018

He was a spiritual guru. Everyone knew what an awesome, enlightened, loving guy he was. It was testament to my defectiveness that I drove him to act the way he did, throwing punches and words that hurt more than a punch ever could. It was my fault. #AndSoIStayed — Elizabeth T.Anderson (@ETA4Now) February 9, 2018

It's not only a black eye, like the one Porter's first wife, Colbie Holderness, revealed. Domestic abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological, according to the Justice Department.

"Lots of victims will tell you that the physical violence is not the worst part of it," Hamby said. "The emotional abuse, the psychological control and the social isolation are the most damaging parts for many women."

Rose Brown, 23, has been in four abusive relationships, and has experienced the full range of domestic violence. She said she has been called "stupid" and "a whore." One partner raped her multiple times. Another kneed her in the stomach and put his hand on her throat.

Brown believes she was susceptible to these relationships because of bullying she experienced in school — classmates called her "ugly," hit her and once stuffed trash in her mouth. The bullying was so bad she begged for homeschooling.

"By the time I graduated high school, my confidence and self-esteem were extremely depleted, and so me not really loving myself or seeing myself as beautiful, I accepted love in any form," said Brown, who now suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Many women do not have self-esteem issues going into the relationship, however.

"It gives [outsiders] this illusion of fantasy and control if they can distance themselves from those victims and say, 'well there's something wrong with that person,'" Hamby said. "A lot of victim-blaming stereotypes serve people's desires to have what's called a 'just world.'"

Mental health issues often emerge after repeated, often escalating, abuses.

"Minimization, denial and blame are definitely the biggest tools in the perpetrators toolkit," Hamby said.

He told me no one else would love me that much #AndSoIStayed he told me it was may fault #AndSoIStayed he promised we would work together to be better #AndSoIStayed he threatened to cut me and bash my head in if I left the house #soIaskedforhelp and the school did nothing — Andra Berghoff (@andraberghoff) February 9, 2018

Abusive behavior doesn't start right away. For many women, including Porter's ex-wives, the alleged abuse did not begin right away. As Porter's first wife, Holderness, wrote in an op-ed for The Washington Post, "The really ugly side of Rob’s abuse only came out after we married, following three years of dating."

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), abuse can usually begin with behaviors that are easy to downplay — such as name-calling and intense jealousy — and can escalate to behaviors such as controlling who a person sees, forbidding a woman from using birth control or threatening to harm people a person loves.

Abuse isn't constant. "Even in severely abusive relationships there can be long periods of time where there is no abuse," Hamby, the psychology professor, said.

After physical violence, experts note there's a "honeymoon phase" in which the perpetrator acts remorseful and usually cuts back on the abusive behavior.

Leaving isn't simple.

There are "a million reasons" why someone may feel trapped, Hamby said. In addition to the many above, these may include:

Fear of greater violence and retaliation

Not being able to financially afford to leave

Fear of losing your children

He told me I'd never see my children again #AndSoIStayed — elaine d (@never_martha) February 14, 2018

"This underlying assumption that just picking up and leaving in the middle of the night is universally always the best or even most rational choice for a victim is really a pernicious and damaging narrative that we've been trying to move past for 40 or 50 years," Hamby said. "It keeps coming back to haunt these victims."

You would think anyone and everyone would help. But they don't.

Brown said when she reported her rape, the police dismissed her, and so she didn't report the abuse that followed. She said part of her also felt obligated to stay, which she attributes to her religious background and the fact that her rapist took her virginity.

"Having that be my first encounter, I felt like I owed him," she said. "It may sound really sick, but it's because you grow up literally — like I'm from the South, I live in the Bible Belt — you grow up constantly hearing, 'wait until you're married, wait until you're married.' Your virginity, your everything is for your husband, and then that's taken away from you by a person that you obviously have feelings for, and so I felt I didn't want to leave because I owed him a part of me."

Porter's ex-wives both said they talked to clergy about their situations and felt the abuse was not fully addressed.

However, there are people who will help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline allows you to speak confidentially with trained advocates online or by the phone, which they recommend for those who think their online activity is being monitored by their abuser (800-799-7233). They can help survivors develop a plan to achieve safety for themselves and their children.

Leaving isn't simple. But it is possible.

"Being able to rise to ... survive that abuse," Hamby said, "is absolutely a sign of strength."

Follow Alia E. Dastagir on Twitter @alia_e. Other stories by Alia:

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