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Recently some friends and I were discussing finding ways to talk with our teens about the ubiquity of pornography, and the basic reality that they would, at some point, come across it. In my own family (and probably in yours too) we have tackled this question. One of our children Googled a harmless Pokemon thing, and accidentally found a porn site. (NB: beware, there is a whole anime/Pokemon porn sub cult—I literally had no idea. You’ve been warned.)

Our teen told us what happened with the Google search, and we verified this by looking at the browser history. They were already feeling terrible, and we didn’t have any desire to add additional shame on an already sensitive situation, but we also knew we had to have (another) frank talk.

Talking about sex isn’t something we’ve reserved for a one-time Big Talk, but rather is an ongoing discussion. I think this helped our teen come to us when they found themselves viewing something they knew was wrong. Of course we have normal safe searches on all devices, but we’ve also realized “safe search” isn’t an airtight net and relying on external restrictions isn’t going to be nearly as effective helping them have an internal system. No matter how good your blocking software, the porn industry is a step ahead of it. Teaching our kids to navigate healthy boundaries on their own is the best and safest long-term bet. It’s also difficult and scary—particularly as a parent.

We sat down and explained to our teens that porn is designed to capitalize on and exploit normal, healthy sexual feelings and that having a physical response to these images doesn’t mean anything on its own. Human beings are hardwired to find sexual content enjoyable, and there is a natural human drive towards sex. We all have to learn to manage those impulses. Sex is important and can be great, and it should be a part of their lives—in appropriate times and places.

In order to give moral context and veer away from shaming, we talked to them about exploitation of other human beings, about the sex trade, about the objectification of women (and men) in porn, how it can desensitize us to the feelings and personhood of others, and about how real, loving sex lives are not portrayed in porn. Porn is not okay specifically because it alienates and exploits other human beings, and does not foster the emotional connection and intimacy necessary for healthy relationships.

We have avoided shaming them in any way, but we made it clear porn is problematic not just for their well-being, but for those it exploits, and even for the women and men with whom they interact in real life. It changes how we view one another.

Our teen confessed they couldn’t get the images out of their mind, and I believe that was a more powerful lesson for them in giving over their agency than anything we could have done. We talked with them about how pathways in our brain are like worn trails in the woods, and while this one was freshly carved because of what they had seen, it would eventually grow over if they didn’t use it, and they would be able to move on. It would take time and care on all of our parts. Our kids have since come back to that analogy over and over, and I have even overheard them sharing it (about something unrelated to porn).

We told them they absolutely did not need to speak to anyone at church. We explained that as their parents, talking to us was the right thing to do. No other adult, even at church, should ask them about porn or masturbation. If that happened, they were to answer that the question was inappropriate and their parents don’t allow them to discuss sexual questions with other adults behind closed doors.

My husband and I spoke with our bishop before he interviewed our children and specifically requested he not ask them any sexual questions beyond “do you obey the law of chastity.” We explained our concerns over the potential impropriety—even as a bishop—and assured him that in our stewardship as parents, our children understood the law of chastity. We instructed our children that if any adult [fn1] crossed the line and asked them about their bodies, they had our express permission to excuse themselves from the conversation and leave the room.

We talked about consent—both for young men and for young women. We talked with them about open and honest communication regarding boundaries in dating, and that if you are too embarrassed to have these conversations, you are not ready to proceed. We talked openly about how while we expect and hope they will continue to obey the rules regarding chastity, we also hoped that in dating, they could and should learn to become aware of their own desires and those of their partners. We explained that having a solid sense of self and where personal lines are ahead of time is one way to make sure respect is maintained.

I’m sure there are a million ways to approach these subjects, but this is what we did. I’m not an expert. I hope my offering here is helpful to other families if you are facing raising teens in today’s environment. Shaming and “just say no” doesn’t work, and often leads to dysfunction. We chose to try this. Like so much of parenting, it’s on a wing and a prayer. Let us know what you’ve tried—what has worked, and what has not.

[fn1] Obviously the necessary caveats were given for physicians and medical practitioners regarding their safety.