Grande practicing responsible social distancing. Photo: YouTube

Ariana Grande, proud Bernie ho and consistently socially conscious benefactor, has already risen to the occasion of our national crisis and tweeted at her 70 million followers to stay the fuck home. “It is incredibly dangerous and selfish to take this situation lightly,” she wrote over the weekend, likely aghast at the droves of reckless idiots flooding our nation’s bars and restaurants. “The ‘we will be fine because we’re young,’ mind-set is putting people who aren’t young and/or healthy in a lot of danger. You sound stupid and privileged and you need to care more about others. Like now.” She followed it up with an absolutely scorching burn, the likes of which hip-hop yogis the world over may never recover from: “Like your hip-hop yoga class can fucking wait I promise.”

Grande’s plea for people to lock themselves inside is not a surprise, however, for those of us who have been paying attention. Grande invented staying home. She has been wearing a sweatshirt for years. She has more than one dozen dogs and at least one pig. Her only furniture is a series of beanbag chairs. Almost all of her Instagrams are just videos of her dogs lying in bed with her. She is an introverted Cancer whose favorite weather is “depressing rain.” She is from Florida, where it’s never a good idea to go outside. And since her very first album all the way back in 2013, her lyrics have been urging us to weld ourselves to our couches. Let’s review some of her greatest social-distancing bangers together, from our homes, wearing no pants, as she would want it:

“Right There” (2013): Grande suggests she will always be in one spot: her house. “You should know I’m never gonna change [out of my pajamas] / I’m always gonna stay [home] / You call for me, I’m right there [at home].”

“The Way” (2013): Grande and Mac Miller extol the virtues of watching movies in bed. “Said your bed be feelin’ lonely, so you sleepin’ in mine / Come and watch a movie with me, American Beauty / Or Bruce Almighty, that’s groovy, just come and move closer to me [as we socially distance as a couple and only interact with each other in the interest of public health].”

“Be My Baby” (2015): Grande again suggests being underneath covers as an ideal scenario. “If you know how to be my lover / Maybe you can be my baby / Hold me close under the covers.”

“Bang Bang” (2015): Grande suggests that holding hands in school is not good. “She might’a let you hold her hand in school / But I’mma show you how to graduate [to e-learning].”

“Cadillac” (2015): Grande contemplates a relationship gone wrong (perhaps because of enforced social distancing) from within the safety of her own car. “Riding round in my Cadillac / Thinking ’bout the day that I first saw you … Summer days with my honey / Worried ’bout not a thing / Back in the day when things were easier than a breeze.”

“Too Close” (2015): Grande describes the unfortunate feeling of being painfully horny during a pandemic. “Baby, tell me, do you feel it like I do? / ’Cause we both know what could go down if we got too close / Boy, if we get too close [transmission of COVID-19].”

“Wit It This Christmas” (2015): On her Christmas-themed horny introvert album, Christmas & Chill, Grande explains how material goods are unnecessary when you are inside, safe, with your loved ones. “We don’t need no presents / We don’t need that kitchen / We don’t need them recipes.”

“December” (2015): Grande asks to be taken home immediately. “When December comes / I bet you want to wrap me all up and take me home with you / See what I look like under them lights.”

“Winter Things” (2015): Grande urges her partner to see the benefits of visualization during a lockdown scenario. “Just imagine that we’re laughing / In the cabin, chilling by the fireside / Even though this sun is blasting / We can be wherever if we visualize.”

“Moonlight” (2016): More Netflix and Chill spon from Grande, followed by an endorsement of canceling plans. “The sun is setting and you’re right here by my side / And the movie’s playing, but we won’t be watching tonight … He’s so bossy, he makes me dance / Tryna sit in the back of his whip and just cancel my plans.”

“Side to Side” (2016): Grande is happy to have been at someone’s house all night and all day and walking side to side, perhaps because it’s a narrow house. “I’ve been here all night / I’ve been here all day / And boy, got me walkin’ side to side.”

“Into You” (2016): Grande suggests indoor activities. “So name a game to play / and I’ll roll the dice, hey.”

“Let Me Love You” (2016): Fresh from a breakup, Grande still stays home. “I just broke up with my ex / Now I’m out here single, I don’t really know what’s next / But I ain’t even trippin’, I’mma chill and sit back … And if it feels right, promise I’ll stay here all night.”

“Leave Me Lonely” (2016): Grande urges a lover who has gone outside not to come back — it’s too dangerous. “So when you walk out that door / Don’t you come back no more / My heart has had enough of the give and take / And as much as I want you to stay / You’re a dangerous love [in a pandemic].”

“Sometimes” (2016): Grande doubles down on the idea of not leaving a physical space for a significant portion of time. “I ain’t even think of leaving sometimes / I ain’t even think of letting go / I ain’t ever thought of going nowhere / I don’t even see it down the road.”

“Touch It” (2016): Grande promises her lover that nobody else will touch her in order to help flatten the curve. “’Cause every time I’m with you, I go into a zone / And I remember all the places you wanna go / Take me all the way / Ain’t nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it.”

“Blazed” (2018): Grande’s man just came over and they are going to get blazed. He is not allowed to leave. “Once I have you / I will never let you, never let you go / Shawty, you can get blazed.”

“Better Off” (2018): Grande suggests having sex on the roof and will not be dissuaded, which is an exciting change of pace but still technically takes place at home. “Let’s put them topics to bed and go fuck on the roof, just to say that we did it / You keep insisting I listen to your proposition / I dismiss ’em all, no offense.”

“Get Well Soon” (2018): Grande urges us all to take care of ourselves and refrain from denial in the midst of a global crisis. Later, she reminds us it is important to call each other on the phone while distanced. “This is for everybody / Babe, you gotta take care of your body / Ain’t no time to deny it, that is why we talking about it … Where are you? Are you home? / Call me right on the phone / I’ll be there, yeah, I’ll be there, I’ll be there.”

“Breathin” (2018): Grande provides free therapy for us all. “Feel my blood runnin’, swear the sky’s fallin’ /I keep on breathin’ / Time goes by and I can’t control my mind / I keep on breathin’.”

“NASA” (2019): The ultimate social-distancing hit, wherein Grande asks her boo outright to give her some space. “You can say ‘I love you’ through the phone tonight / Really don’t wanna be in your arms tonight / I’ll just use my covers to stay warm tonight / Think I’m better off here all alone tonight … Give you the whole world, I’mma need space.”

Fake Smile (2019): Grande leaves a party, recognizing it is irresponsible to be out in the world. “Another night, another party, sayin’ hi to everybody / I’m sorry, it’s time to leave, I gotta leave now / Got somewhere I gotta be now, I’m starving / Can somebody walk me to my car?”

“Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored” (2019): Grande does some jealous fantasizing from home. “Then I realize she’s right there / And I’m at home like, ‘Damn, this ain’t fair.’”

“Imagine” (2019): Grande outlines some more fun home activities. “Staying up all night, order me pad Thai [delivery only] / Then we gon’ sleep till noon / Me with no makeup, you in the bathtub / Bubbles and bubbly, ooh / This is a pleasure, feel like we never act this regular.”

“Be Alright” (2016): We’re gonna be all right. “We’re gonna be all right / We’re gonna be all right / We’re gonna be all right.”