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The Art of Shoplifting

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Shoplifting is a topic that is practically relevant to many and it should

therefore not become an exclusive craft confined to a small shoplifting elite.

On the contrary, shoplifting is an art that deserves the widest possible

dissemination. For your convenience we have printed below a step by step guide

to shoplifting. Good luck.

Within capitalism, most of us are either (1) alienated from our labour and hence

dependent on the ruling classes for commodities as basic as food and clothing,

(2) excluded from the division of labour, in which case we are likewise

dependant on the State, or (3) performing unpaid and/or unrecognised labour and

hence dependant on patriarchal relations for food, clothing, etcetera. In any

case, our access to resources is severely limited by contemporary relations of

domination. One partial solution to this problem may be to STEAL.

Sadly, however, many people living precariously on low incomes tend to either:

(1) avoid shoplifting for anachronistic moral and/or ethical reasons; or (2)

remain ignorant of the better methods and techniques of shoplifting, thus

failing to maximise their lifting potential.

From the onset, the golden rule of theft should be enunciated: NEVER STEAL FROM

SOMEBODY WHO COULD CONCEIVABLY BE A COMRADE. Hence kicking into a house on Bell

Street with a beaten up old Mazda in the yard is irresponsible and

counter-revolutionary!

Be careful, too, about taking stuff from small 'corner store' type shops -- you

could be ripping off someone in a situation not dissimilar to your own. On the

whole, it is best to play it safe and go straight for the big corporate f***ers.

Some people will suggest that shoplifters are a selfish breed, since 'we all pay

for it in the end' through inflated prices to cover losses and so forth.

However, comrades, this and closely analogous arguments are used to just ify

lowering wages, breaking unions, lowering corporate taxation and taxation on the

rich and corporate sector we may as well sell ourselves into bonded slaverynow,

or join the Liberal Party.

No, the injunction against stealing from capitalism is itself a capitalist

ideology and should be spurned as such. Although we have been taught that thou

shalt not steal', an order historically backed by threats of divine retribution,

this should not for one minute stop us from taking the redistribution of wealth

into our own hands. Believe me, no-one is likely to do it for us.

What follows is a list of effective methods and observations that may prove useful.

Preparing oneself for the big haul:

1. If possible, you should always have some money on you when intending to

shoplift, because if you've got none, it's rather hard to argue that to steal

the item was a spontaneous decision. As a result, if you've got no money and are

caught shoplifting you are more than likely to be charged for burglary as well

as theft.

2. Buying something at the same time that you steal stuff doesn't necessarily

ensure success. Approaching staff for items you are absolutely sure they don't

have is just as good. Think of something that you know they don't have (i.e.a

doona cover with a specific pattern on it or something equally obscure) and

pretend that you are looking for this, so that you have an excuse for being

there. If staff are ever suspicious of you or ask if they can help you, ask them

if they've got the thing you are sure they don't have. Never screw this up -- if

you do you will have to buy the item or they may realise that you are there to

steal.

3. It is always a good idea to carry a bag although you should never stash

anything in it -- if security/sales staff are suss on you the first place that

they'll check is your bag and it may just get you off the hook if they can't

find anything suspicious inside of it.

4. Remember that there is no such thing as a standard store detective -- there

is no qualifying dress code, age, race, gender or class. Grandma will bust you

this week and next week it'll be a 5 year old kid.

5. Just as there is no typical store detective nor is there a standard

shoplifter. Security do not go looking for the poorly dressed people. They may

pick on you out of boredom, but remember, only an unsuccessful store detective

picks on poorly dressed people. By the same token don't believe the stale myth

that suits + dresses = more successes; security anticipate that professional

shoplifters will dress up a bit. Wear whatever you want.

On entering the maze:

1. As soon as you enter the store, suss out the sales people. First impressions

often count here. You could find a valuable blind-eye turning ally in youngeror

less-affluent employees. Alternatively, an employee can often stand out as a

more wishy-washy gullible individual -- so even if they see you they are likely

to be too gutless to mention it, either to you or to security.

2. Don't be put off by signs such as 'shoplifters will be prosecuted' or

'security police patrol this store'. Often this is just bluff anyway, and in any

case there is no security measure that cannot be undone by a clever shoplifter

or a quick talker. Do, however, keep your eye on security and be on the lookout

for video surveillance cameras.

3. Try to find where the video surveillance monitors are and who is watching

them; often they are not even looking at them. See if you can get a glance at

their monitor. Often it is one monitor hooked up to 20 cameras which changes

sequentially (every 30 seconds or so). Other times it's one guy in a room

looking at 50 screens while reading the paper or glued to the box. These

monitors are usually pretty small and have a wide aperture, showing more of the

room but not enough detail to adequately see what you are up to.

4. It is a good idea to keep your back to the camera as much as possible without

looking suspicious. Check out cameras (hold-up cameras) are often set up to

check on employees, so they are not hard to keep your back turned to.

Blind-spots and other lifting techniques:

1. A blind-spot is a section of the store where you are barely visible and can

thus feel free to both dump and collect stuff, without fear of being seen.

Display units can make perfect blind-spots -- they ensure security is confident

they have their eye on you, when in fact they can only see your top half -- at

the same time they enable you to keep your eye on security. For these reasons,

the best blind-spots are usually below the chest -- around waist high.

Blind-spots are good for loading into the lip of your jeans or into a jacket.

2. Make sure your blind-spot is not under surveillance. Never hang around your

blind-spot for too long. Most of all, be careful to never lead security to your

blind-spot.

3. A good method is to take everything you want to your blind-spot and collect

it all later in one go, or better still get someone else to collect it for you.

Getting someone else to collect for you can be a great system, particularly with

exchanges -- which I'll come to later. If you are really pedantic, or you think

that they are watching you, then load up, go to the toilets and pass the stuff

under the wall/partition of the cubicle to a waiting friend in an adjoining

cubicle and get them to leave with it.

(No item 4 in original text -- ed.)

5. Speaking of dunnies and change-rooms, one of the oldest tricks in the book is

to put more than one garment on a hanger (works particularly well with women's

underwear), go to the change-rooms and put the garment underneath what you are

wearing. Alternatively, if you are a woman, you can slip your old bra on a

hanger and put on the new one. DonÕ t be put off by the staff as you enter the

change-rooms -- they are usually quite disinterested and so long as the number

of hangers you exit with matches the little plastic number they've given you

they'll be satisfied.

6. On the subject of women's underwear, the lingerie department is ideally

suited to male shoplifters -- not only is it the perfect excuse for looking

embarrassed or suspicious (they have come to expect this), but staff are less

likely to harass you by trying to help you and will be more sympathetic generally.

Exchanging crap for more crap

Exchanging things -- that is, taking the redistribution of wealth into your own

hands by refunding yourself for an item you never paid for, or swapping

something you stole that you don't want for something you do want, or swapping

something that you don't want that is unstealable and therefore refundable is

a whole new ball game.

1. If you plan to steal something and then make an exchange always take stuff

that people are likely to take back like sheets, or other obscure household

items. If questioned you can say to them "as if I'm gonna keep the receipt, I

didn't plan to bring it back". Books and other small but expensive items such

as computer software are also great exchangeables.

2. Stealing women's underwear and cosmetics are the perfect alibi for male

shoplifters who specialise in exchanges. Male customers always f*** up buying

stuff for their girlfriends/wives/mothers and when it comes to lingerie, it's

just too easy for a guy to look goofy, have sales staff sympathise and all too

quickly agree to exchange or refund the items. This works particularly well

around Xmas time when you can tell them you bought it for your mother but

she already had that one.

3. Never take an exchange item to the store you stole it from and make sure

the other store has the same item before you take it back.

4. Make sure you have chosen your item before you approach anyone for an

exchange. Also, tell the people in the first department that you want an

exchange without mentioning receipts -- they should send you down to the

appropriate department for your other item and then ring up this department

providing a referral, which if you are lucky will mean you do not have to

provide a receipt given that everything appears legitimate.

5. The first time you exchange a stolen item for another product make sure you

get something unstealable in return, like a video, watch, or something else kept

behind a counter, so that the second time you do it, even if you don't get an

exchange receipt they will not suspect that it is stolen.

6. Exchange receipts are a pain in the arse. Sometimes smart arse sales people

will write a cross the original docket 'no original receipt' which is a problem,

so if you have a bit of money on you, it is a good idea to exchange for

something that costs a little bit more so that they have to give you a cash

receipt.

7. Don't freak out if they call security while you are acting out an exchange

as returns will often require security's signature this is quite standard

procedure and nothing to worry about.

8. If you're having problems getting an exchange, big department stores normally

have consumer rights people located upstairs somewhere -- they can usually

be contacted by information telephones. These are people with big egos who like

to wield power and the sales staff, who are much lower down the hierarchy, are

usually pretty freaked out by this power. If you do get the ego from upstairs

on side, they will organise a sales person to look after you and after the

egomaniac goes up upstairs again, they sure will -- because the sales person

does not want to reprimanded by the same person from upstairs more than once,

you will be practically able to get them to do anything that you want them to.

A good technique is to tell the person upstairs a different story to the one that

you tell the sales person. You can get angry at this stage and tell them that

they f***ed you around, that you don't want an exchange any more and that

you want a refund now and they will usually comply.

9. Be wary of the long term employee -- you've got to know when to stop.

Be particularly wary of the head of sales or middle management who have been

working there for a long time (sometimes 20 years or more) and are not as s

cared of the big guys from upstairs as are the newer employees.

You can often convince some of the younger staff that they are allowed to do

refunds if you tell them that you used to work there.

10. Another commonly used technique is to take an empty bag from the same

store with a receipt in it for previously paid for items and then nick the same

stuff, which gives you the perfect alibi.

11. Better still, if you've got some money, find two things that are worth

however much you've got, take them out of the store and stash them somewhere,

then go back in and buy the exact same items. While leaving the checkout,

make a big deal about it. "Am I doing the right thing? Will she like it? Will it fit

him? etcetera" and then "what the heck!" (Make sure you don't go overboard

and push them to mention keeping the receipt or worst of all mention it yourself!)

Pay for it. About half an hour to a couple of hours later (not too long) take

the stuff back to the same sales people and they'll usually give you cash

without a receipt because they remember selling it to you. If you pull it off

you've got a cash receipt and your stolen goods which you can exchange at

another store.

Leaving the store safely:

1. Always double back just as you are about to leave the store so that you can

check if anyone is following you (99.9% of the time they will follow you out

of the store before they approach you). Alternatively, go up and down an escalator

or in a lift and press every button in the lift and it will be obvious if anyone

is following you.

2. If people are watching you, whatever you do, do not try to discreetly dump

stuff unless you are absolutely sure that you can get away with it. If caught

dumping stuff they usually won't charge you but they may f*** you around f

or a few hours.

3. If you are caught dumping stuff never let a store detective know it was

because of them. Always make out it was a result of a sudden guilty conscience.

Never let a store detective know that you know that they are on to you, because

they won't put them on you the next time. That way you get to know store

security and are able to keep your eye on them as much as you can.

4. If you want to have a bit of fun and don't plan to continue shoplifting that

day, or ever, or you just don't give a shit, go up to a store detective and

treat them like a sales person, asking them for help etcetera. It is just as

embarrassing for them to be caught as it is for you. It is always a good thing

to break their spirits or at least bring them down every now and again.

Alternatively, use reverse psychology on them. Say "I'm going down to such

and such department. I'll see you down there". Often they'll be too embarrassed that

they've been busted and think that you won't do it now that you're being watched

and you will have the run of the mill.

5.NEVER GET TOO CONFIDENT or you will start to make silly mistakes.

The end:

Finally, if you get caught -- lie your teeth out! Never admit to premeditation.

Always say that the opportunity arose, so you took it. Don't act tough or be a

smart arse. Cry. Bawl. Admit a guilty conscience. Beg them not to call the c

ops. Tell them that CSV will take your kids off you and then weep.

Even though some stores say they have a policy to call the police it is not

necessarily true and they may, after lots of tears and admissions of guilt, just

get you to sign a statement which says you'll never enter that store again. If

the cops do arrive, it's a good idea to act scared shitless because they may

assume you're a first offender and not bother to check your record. Don't

antagonise the filth -- it is their personal discretion as to how bad you get

busted.

You are most likely to be charged with 'theft' if caught shoplifting, but you

can be charged with 'burglary' as well if you don't have any money on you.

'Equipped to steal' is what you will be charged with if, for example, you have a

slit in the lining of your jacket for concealing stolen goods. 'Obtaining

financial advantage' and 'deception' are what you are likely to be charged with

as well as 'theft', if caught exchanging stolen items.