A private investigator has given President Trump’s alleged infidelities the O.J. Simpson treatment.

In 2007, Simpson famously wrote a book called “If I Did It,” his supposedly “hypothetical” account of the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. This summer, private eye Justin Hopson has put out a book called “If the First Lady Hired Me,” imagining how he’d investigate Trump if Melania retained Hopson to catch her husband cheating.

With chapters like, “Melania, we need to talk…” and “Donald Trump red-handed,” Hopson translates his typical strategies into a plan to catch a president cheating. (For example, he usually advises clients to dig up their spouses’ Uber receipts, but instead, he comes up with a way to snoop if your spouse uses the Secret Service rather than a ride-hailing app.)

Onetime New Jersey State Trooper Hopson claims that a copy of the book has been delivered to the East Wing. Of course, both porn star Stormy Daniels and Playboy model Karen McDougal have claimed that they had sexual relationships with Trump, around 2006 and 2007, not long after Melania gave birth to son Barron. A number of other women have also claimed that Trump made sexual advances toward them while he has been married to the Slovenian model.

Nobody from the White House got back to us.