Turning up in today’s mail straight from dodgy old China was Leader Class Takara Jetfire.

He’s a tidy piece of kit, with lots of robo-kibble, a giant backpack and wings that make him rather topple heavy, and a swanky color scheme that I love to pieces. Best of all I got him for $40 AUD delivered to my sandy door in West Australia.

In Jet mode he’s shonking gigantic and pretty cool if you like jets and shit that flies. Which I don’t – don’t care about Seekers, or Jets or Top gun or any of that shit. Fuck off with all of it. But I do love Jetfire. He’s the exception and fuck you if you disagree.

Like the front of the box says “JET TO ROBOT”. That’s the kind of pants wetting box copy excitement I live for man.

Jetfire comes with a crap ton of accessories including modular weapons that can be pegged to each other, or on his arms, legs and hands in a heap of different combinations.

I love modular weapons of all types. Call it a fetish if you like, so bonus points for Jet Captain Sciencepants in my book for all those robo-kibbling extras.

It’s all the cool stuff you used to get (remember Roadbuster?) with Transformers before the lines were massively cost-cutty-costed-fuck-costed as the prices of Oil and plastics and keeping it real went skyrocketing upward to infinity and beyond.

Weird and wacky combinations are the order of the day, you can mix in shit from your ever deadly Box ‘o Weapons if you like into even weirder more stupid combinations. BAM!

The back of the box looks like this, it’s got Japanese writing so makes the toy and whole shebang at least 20% cooler in any fanboys book. Some Takara fan literally just spontaneously came in their pants seeing the back of this box, you know they did! It’s even got yellow fucking arrows that rotate or something and weird robo-former-chibi-animals in the corner for fuck knows what promotional reasons. Priceless!

What’s this, an obscure color pack in comic, the likes of which we never see in the West, starring my favourite Roboformer Scientist Extremus that I will never understand a word of?

But relax, I’ve done me own dodgy fan translation of the only part worth reading below. It’s all 100% accurate.

Yeah you can find actual translations online of various TF pack in comics – but why bother when most of the “stories” are absolute meaningless shit and it’s way more fun to make up your own story when you get bored.

If you’re good at Transforming and Jetfiring Out with toys like I am, you’ll end up with something like this and be tempted to smash the fucker to pieces when you can’t get the bits to go where you want them to when you want. Yeah I’m useless at Transforming toys.

Jetfire’s backpack is detachable, and you can angle his derpy fat nose cone up or down. Hide it in the up position and he falls over with his robo-backpack and kibble heavy wings (which are at least part of his irresistibly charming sweet Swanky Science Fighter 3000 good looks).

Or angle that nosecone section down and use it like a third leg to stop him falling over like a drunken Robert Cop at 80’s parties then hastily hide it behind your other smaller TF figures in a frenzy of drunken shame.

Did we cover the front of the box? I mean fuck, boxes are the only reason I buy toys, we better put that in there or Zombie Jesus will steal our souls.

Shit, it’s got more Japanese writing, that makes it better than anything Hasbro could ever shit out right? Also his weapons don’t have chrome, that’s like major brownie points for no-chrome Takara loving fetishists or people unintentionally blinded by overly reflective Chrome is it not?

Let’s see those sweet modular weapons again. Now excuse me I must jet off and go have dinner.

ALSO: BATTLE MASK!!! Totally nothing to do with MACROSS for legal reasons and stuff. Shut up about it or you’ll get sued.