Good news, everyone… Director J.J. Abrams has promised the alphabet people that The Rise of Skywalker is gunna be gay.

Speaking to Variety about the relationship between Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) and Finn (John Boyega), which some fans have theorized could be a romantic one, Abrams argued that it goes deeper than romance. “That relationship to me is a far deeper one than a romantic one,” the A-list Hollywood director explained. “It is a deep bond that these two have, not just because of the trial by fire in which they met, but also because of their willingness to be as intimate as they are, as afraid as they, as unsure as they are, and still be bold, and still be daring and brave.” “And in the case of the LGBTQ community, it was important to me that people who go to see this movie feel that they’re being represented in the film,” Abrams continued.

What a relief. Like millions of Star Wars fans, when I was sitting back hating The Last Jedi, I remember thinking to myself, You know what would make this so much better? Some homosexuality.

And now we get to sit through Rise of Skywalker enjoying the subtext of all some man-on-man action between Poe and Finn.

Gee, imagine how much better the original trilogy would have been had we been treated to some hyper-drive sex between Han and Luke.

And since we now know Lando Calrissian is pansexual (I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to know) and has sex with feminist robots (see: Solo — no one else did), imagine all the freak-getting-on happening throughout the Star Wars universe… Finally, it all makes sense… Jar Jar and Chewy. And you just now Obi Wan and Darth are slow dancing somewhere in the Forcey mist of the afterlife.

What in heaven’s name do these idiots think they’re doing?

It’s one thing for Kathleen Kennedy to man-bash with her Mary Sues, it’s one thing to strip Star Wars of romance… But to replace it with this…

Listen, I know we’re not supposed to say this. I know that. Come on… Almost no one wants to see this stuff. Even straight people who say they want to see this stuff don’t want to see this stuff. It makes us uncomfortable. It takes us out of the movie. It adds a layer of sexuality for no good reason other than to add a layer of sexuality. Nothing good comes from this.

Hey, I’m not opposed to Hollywood making movies for the gay community. Hollywood should make movies for everyone, including the alphabet people. I’m just not going to see them, and I’m not going to go see them for one very simple reason… Watching two men become intimate in any way makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I have better things to do with my money and time than to be made uncomfortable.

And the box office backs me up on this. Look at what happened to Star Trek when Sulu, who had been a heterosexual for 50 years, miraculously turned gay. Look at what happened to Solo after we learned Lando Calrissian is a pansexual (I don’t know that that means and I don’t want to know). I’m sorry, but biology is biology, human nature is human nature, and “gay” is its own genre — and I’m fine with that genre. Knock yourselves out. I’m not going to watch, but I wish you all the luck in the world.

Parents really resent this stuff. It forces them to have to explain human sexuality to their children, to puncture a crucial piece of that innocence, long before they should have to.

“Woke” means all kinds of things, but chief among them is “bad storytelling.”

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