Video games are great. You know what their best quality is? The ability to view 3D models of ultra cute ladies. From naked space babes to earthbound rock music loving chicks, I love the ladies and want to romantically smooch all of them on their faces so long as they enthusiastically consent to that situation.

So, without any further ado, here are the women in video games I wish I could make my fictional wives, do kissing with, hold hands and cuddle with, and maybe even do naughty under the sheets forbidden queer sex things to.

Chloe Price – Life is Strange

Chloe Price is everything I wanted to be in my mid-to-late teens. she’s a pot-smoking, rock music loving woman with gorgeous tattoos, vibrant hair, fashion taste to die for and a “fuck them all, do what makes you happy” attitude that I envy.

I can picture 19 year old me and her breaking into castles to get drunk on private areas of the beach (a thing I used to do) and doing all sorts of smooching. I can see her today making me be adventurous and exciting by being around her. Fuck being a games critic, let’s drive off into the queer sunset together listening to Riot Girl bands and not considering where the road goes.

Screw responsible life, I want to go be a carefree queer punk girl with Chloe.

Jade – Beyond Good & Evil

Being a journalist full time is hard. Reporting on things which are not common knowledge can lead to a life in limbo, with folk ignoring your evidence and refusing to believe information you know to be true. It can be a tough road to walk, and a tougher set of difficulties to empathise with from the outside.

Here walks in Jade from Beyond Good & Evil. Sure, her area of journalism is international governmental investigative reporting and my area of expertise is video games, but I feel like there’s at least a little area of overlap.

I could come home from a long day, tired and drained from writing about video game leaks and be confident that she would understand the stresses I had endured. I would then listen to her talk about her day spent saving her pig uncle from space and overthrowing alien government officials, and I would be able to instantly empathise.

Our jobs would be so easily comparable, it would make for a very understanding relationship. Plus I’d feel incredibly safe dating someone that effective with a staff, who has a camera on hand at all times to capture crimes if they occur.

Bayonetta – Bayonetta

So, I’m going to be blunt. Bayonetta is sexy, dominating, and her hair is her clothes. At any time you can make her clothing vanish to be replaced by other handy hair-equipment. Some nice BDSM restraints perhaps?

Her confidence, her sex appeal, her humour and her ability to take charge would make her a very exciting video game wife with which to share some of those earlier hinted at under the covers queer activities.

Also, my god her butt is stunning beyond belief. Bayonetta, you can activate Witch Time around me whenever you want. I’ll be here any time.

Tracer – Overwatch

Tracer has a canonical love of butts. Seriously, is there anyone in the video game world more suited to being my future bride?

Liara – Mass Effect

Liara is my smart cute science space wife. She’s there to research alien races one minute, and strip off her clothes to sexy mind meld with me the next. Oh, she’s really good at shooting stuff too.

But the main reason I want her for a wife is her amazing information network. She can find out any piece of information in the galaxy. She’d be an incredibly useful resource for leaking video game news.

Oh, and blue space butt too I guess.

Zarya – Overwatch

Yep, another Overwatch lady. Zarya is the muscular princess who will one day come to rescue me from some evil villain, carrying me back home while blasting foes with a gun that shoots the colours of the trans pride flag to show how proud she is of her beautiful trans bride.

Nobody’s going to mess with me once I’m dating Zarya, and that hug is going to be the stuff of legends.

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Of course, there’s only one true answer regarding who I should date…

ALL OF MY VIDEO GAMES CUTIES CAN MARRY ME AT ONCE AND WE WILL LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL QUEER POLYAMOROUS COMMUNE!!!

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