Review: Viva Forever Dec 17, 2012

Piccadilly Theatre, London

The Viva Forever! programme book proudly boasts that the Spice Girls “have very little to prove”. Audience – you have been warned.

Like Judy Craymer’s previous hit Mamma Mia!, the musical features an original plot inspired by one band’s songs. Think you’re in for a story about finding yourself and knowing who your friends are? Not quite, in fact we barely get a story at all.

Viva (played by Hannah John-Kamen and yes, that’s her character’s actual name) is one of four gobby teens in a band called Eternity. They pass the first rounds of a TV talent show but the judges decide to let only one member through. With a heavy heart, young Viva leaves her friends and adoptive mother Lauren (Sally Ann Triplett) to “follow her dreams”. At no point are we told what these dreams are; for all we know, she just fancied a trip to Spain.

Each Spice Girl had a one-dimensional personality courtesy of Top of the Pops magazine, however the members of Eternity aren’t even granted that luxury. The characters are instantly forgettable and not one of the friendships, romances or family bonds is made believable. Prepare yourself for the shock revelation that the talent show hosts are jaded, selfish individuals who don’t have the performer’s best interests at heart. Our nation’s unwavering faith in the artistic integrity of Simon Cowell will no doubt be shattered by Viva Forever!’s biting satire.

Of course, a jukebox musical isn’t about the story – it’s about the songs and how they’re used. Where Mamma Mia! and We Will Rock You had the extensive discographies of ABBA and Queen at their disposal, there’s simply not enough Spice material to work with. Album fillers are churned out alongside tracks from the band’s third CD, released well after the public stopped caring. You can tell the barrel’s been scraped with the inclusion of Look at Me and I Turn to You from Geri and Mel C’s post-Spice solo careers. Most of the big hits are saved for the finale so the audience can leave on a high note and pretend they enjoyed themselves.

The songs gain absolutely nothing from the arrangements or their clumsy placement in the script. Most are just sort of… plonked. We suffer a painfully slow and strained rendition of pop stomp-a-long Say You’ll Be There, which gives us time to contemplate how truly rubbish those lyrics are. Straight after, we’re treated to a cack-handed mashup of Goodbye and Mama.

Spice Up Your Life is a big, colourful production number full of energetic dancing; a welcome distraction, yet by this point you’d probably get the same reaction from someone jangling keys in your face.

In Viva Forever, the contrived and pointless love interest serenades our heroine with a wistful ballad about shared memories. About time too – they’ve known each other at least an entire weekend. Too Much, a slow bop about finding the right emotional balance in a relationship, is sung by Lauren and her friend Suzi (Lucy Montgomery) as they host an aerobics session atop a houseboat and objectify some men. What’s the lead-in, you ask? Pube jokes. I kid you not.

Spice Up Your Life, easily the highlight of this train wreck, appears during the second half. It’s a big, colourful production number full of energetic dancing; a welcome distraction, yet by this point you’d probably get the same reaction from someone jangling keys in your face. It offers a glimpse of the musical that could have been; a fun, feel-good event celebrating nineties nostalgia with infectious pop mega-hits. Sadly it comes as too little too late.

With Jennifer Saunders on board, you expect a few giggles. Instead we get fat jokes, hashtag jokes and yet more fat jokes. Additional comic relief comes from a bimbo who’s thick and a camp guy who’s camp. If you’re an Ab Fab fan, don’t get too excited when you first see Lauren and her lanky blonde friend stagger onstage – there are no nonsensical rants or pratfalls into open graves to relieve the monotony. Even a few fluffed lines failed to raise a smile as the script and delivery are so poor that genuine mistakes are remarkably hard to spot.

Viva Forever! was never going to win over many non-Spice fans, however there’s plenty to be said for guilty pleasures and excuses for nights out with friends. Unfortunately the creators were all too aware of this and thus made absolutely no effort to earn those ticket sales. Hardcore fans would have more fun listening to the albums or watching Spice World: the Movie. In short, it’s a dreadful excuse for a musical with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

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