Nearly half of the world’s population makes a below-average earning.

This totally shocked me. I was under the impression that almost half of the world’s population makes an above-average earning. But then I discovered it is the other way round. I phoned my Uncle James.

“Almost half the world’s population makes a below-average earnings.”

Uncle James was stunned, “So?”.

” Well, I wish to make certain that no one has a below-average income.”

At a loss for words, my Uncle advised, “It won’t occur until everyone has an above-average IQ.” That made sense. “Right now,” Uncle James continued, “Almost half the world has a below-average IQ, and statistics never lie.” I was floored. I did not understand we had such an IQ shortage on our hands. I was sure it is in some way associated with another shocking statistic:

If current trends continue, by 2020 every child born will be illiterate.

I, myself, had recently sired two illiterate children. As discouraging as this was, I resolved that they should live a regular life and conquer this ominous handicap. Discovering the link between below-average earnings and below-average IQ, I am now more determined than ever to overcome our children’s infant illiteracy.

I asked Uncle James about another stunning statistic I had heard about:.

At least 98.2 percent of individuals are at risk of getting cancer.

I had been particularly worried about this stat because I did not know if I was among the 98.2.

” I think you are,” Uncle James recommended. “Most individuals are, you know.”.

My uncle’s remark worried me even more. It was frightening enough that 98.2 percent of individuals are at a risk of getting cancer, but it was even scarier to find that the majority of people fall under that 98.2 percent.

Uncle James tried to calm my nerves, “I have another statistic that will make you feel better. Most of the people at risk will survive, and stats never lie.”.

That WAS assuring. However, it did not ease my fears about another ominous statistics I had checked out:

By 2060, at existing mortality rates, 2 out of 3 people will be dead.

This was unnerving because I suspected that I might be amongst the 2 out of 3 individuals.

Uncle James wanted to reassure me once again, “From a statistical point of view, this is good news, cause you can’t get cancer when you’re dead.”

Yup, that is good news. And Uncle James was right this time too. Cancer rates in cemeteries are one of the lowest. And stats never lie.

I recently purchased a “home statistics calculator” on sale at Dunkin Donuts. Well, this should be fun, I thought. Boy, was I in for a surprise! I wanted to find out what is the probability of starving to death. Hmm, let’s see…I last ate about 2 hours ago. OK, now let’s just push this button…and here are the results:

“Based on your calorie consumption of the previous hour, you are likely to starve to death in just 30 days.” That frightened me a lot. I am going to starve to death in just one month! What can I do to stave off hunger?

Wait. There was more: “Immediate intervention can avert statistical starvation. Go straight to a Dunkin Donuts near you. Eat half a dozen donuts every day, and you will decrease the risk of starvation by at least 79.3 percent.

This seems like a great recommendation. Hmm, I wonder what exactly Uncle James would say about this.

“Well, if you eat half a dozen donuts every day, you reduce your probability of starving to death within 30 days to practically zero. And, due to increased risk of a cardiac arrest, your new projected lifespan is … 39 years old.”.

“But I’m already 42,” I objected.

Uncle James contemplated the statistics. “It appears to me that starvation is your best bet, after all. Cause statistics never lie!