"We needed someone who has been through this before," stated Joyce Mayweather, comptroller of Columbus. "So we hired Bret Hart, since he was blindsided back in Montreal by Vince McMahon.

Hart started his presentation by stating, "Fans will have to lose their assumption that ownership is out to help you. You need to put your feelings in a sharpshooter."

Hart then went on to describe the behind the scenes process.

"Precourt is on a heel turn," stated the seven-time world champion. "He was a Face to generate pop, then comes the heel turn to generate heat, then he pulls the heel move of taking the team away from the fans. Then the next move is taking the team to Austin to get to Orlando to create a rivalry with Beckham. The league office hopes that the heat generated by Precourt's heel turn will fill the stadium in the rivalry with Miami. Then comes the DOUBLE CROSS. Eventually Precourt will leave Orlando, just like he left Austin and Columbus, for Detroit and settle the team there to take on all comers, including Dan Gilbert in a cage match for public funds to see who can bankrupt a local school district the fastest."

According to legitimate news source Kayfabe News, they claim this is the dumbest thing they've heard of since the David Arquette won the WCW World Heavyweight Title in 2000.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we explain who Bret Hart is to the children.