I have always wanted to help others, ever since I became aware to the world I noticed a plethora of sadness and despair from all those around me. I tried to help as much as I could, every year I began to realize more and more that I couldn’t do it all myself.

When I was in highschool I lost a close friend, having changed schools a few months prior, I wasn’t there that fateful night. I had known that they were not in the most stable state, but while I was there I tried my best to be someone they could lean on. While I’ve learned to not blame myself for their choice I always wonder what could have been had I not been selfish and moved away.

It was in the weeks that followed that I had the most surreal experiences which forced me to think about the nature of humanity, and what it means to be. I hit a new low in the those times, having attributed their loss to my own mediocrity, wondering what would have been different if I had been a better friend. Those thoughts lead me down a dark path many, many times. I unfortunately ended up causing a lot of physical harm to myself and at times longed to not have to bear the burden of having to help anyone ever again.

This story does get better though, I did come out other side when I came to university. I accepted that I could be the person that I always wanted to be, I could help the people in my life but only if I was to accept the fact that I could not change the world over night and that I could only do so much on my own. I became a don with the hopes of being able to reach more people and help those that needed it most. That ended up being the best and worst choice that I have ever made i my time here in at Waterloo.

I’ve seen people at their worst, I talked so many people off the edge, I’ve been there for people they wanted to quit everything. None of that ever phased me, it seemed like being there for them was something anyone and everyone would and should do, it was the people I couldn’t help that still scar me. At first it was just a few bad dreams, then I tried to pass it off as just a few panic attacks but when the night terrors started I knew something was wrong.

I never knew people had limits, I thought I could take on the world but that night I got a call from a first year saying they thought their roommate was in trouble. It was that night my life began to change, it was when I broke down a bathroom door to see the body of a student who was not much younger than myself sitting in a pool of their own blood. I called an ambulance, I did all I could to save them but the body was already cold when I got to the house. I kept it bottled inside me, thinking that was the lowest point in my life, thinking I would never have to see another person take their own life ever again. I truly believed that the worst was behind, until it happened again, until I got another midnight call, until I had to call another ambulance, until I had to come to terms again that it was because of me another student will never get a chance to finish their degree. It was because of me they would never see their parents again, that I robbed their families from their love.

I was diagnosed with PTSD by my counselor almost 2 weeks ago now, I never thought I’d be here. All I have ever wanted was to make the world smile but I ended up lying in bed every night not only knowing that the world is just as horrible as it was before my time, but also seeing horrific images every time I close my eyes. Seeing the faces of those who I lost everywhere I go, seeing them in everything I do almost as a constant reminder of all the mistakes I have ever made.

Is there any piece of advice you would give to someone who is living with PTSD or someone who’s has someone in their lives that has PTSD ?

I wish I did, I am still figuring it out myself.

Have you ever tried seeking help, from a friend or a professional ?

I have not told anyone about my diagnosis yet, I don’t want anyone in my life to worry about me. People look up to me, I need to put on a brave face for them.

Is there anything you regret in life ? Anything you would’ve done differently ?

Had I known where my dreams of helping others would take me, no I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I gave up a lot, but in the end it was worth it. I made a small part of the world smile for a moment, sure it cost me a lot but I need to believe that it was worth it, I don’t know if I can keep a brave face on if I knew it wasn’t.

To end on a lighter note, what’s one song or artist you are listening too right now ?

One song that resonates with me these days is Sound of Silence, the Disturbed cover of it