My grandfather Gerald Altman passed on October 2nd, 2017. I always loved his street photography.

Eyes Open, Eyes Wide.

Monday Oct. 23, 2017

Morning Medication

Gabapentin — 300mg

Clonazepam — 0.5mg

Divalproex — 500mg

Lithium — 300mg x 2

I find myself in my apartment staring at my laptop suddenly overwhelmed with information, I’m laying on a flat expanse seeing through fresh eyes marvelling at the ever reaching nighttime sky for the first time. As nerve wracking as it feels to allow myself to part with these very words I’m writing, into the abyss of the internet no less, I also feel it’s time. We all come face to face with our unknowns given ample opportunity. Eventually we will all have to go over the top with no guarantees, maybe the only guarantee we have is the lack thereof. I’m hoping to maintain my writing with more frequency as my sister doesn’t get married everyday, nor will my grandfather die more than once. It seems my talents and my writing might face the same horizon, I’m not completely sure. I don’t intend to rigorously edit these entries, nor am I attempting to construct a chapel built out of my own narcissism. I guess I just want to tell the truth about who I am.

I have a lot of love in me, that much I do know. The truth can make one queasy and ill at ease, occasionally we vomit it up all at once unceremoniously, as to which I can personally attest. I am a fragile person in many respects, but I am a very strong one in others. Sometimes telling the ones you love that you do in fact love them can get caught between your intentions and your intonations. Often the harshest things we say are to those they’ll affect the most. Sometimes I am a man arms outstretched facing any direction with a calm unflinching voice. Sometimes I am not. I surely know which I would prefer.

I saw my father David Altman and my 2nd cousin Jeff Donaldson today. We went to Nuba to discuss my upcoming meeting with the Mood Disorders Association (henceforth referred to as MDA). At this point while I am absolutely interested in what this new relationship could bring, a new psychiatrist could promote a sea change under the right circumstances, I also find I am becoming a little jaded. It’s been a long road dealing with my mental health. There are moments where it seems no vessel, no material, no champion will sever the ties that shackle me to myself. But forward we all must march for the ground beneath us falls into the past behind us with a disconcerting consistency. Even with these doubts I will tell you with unwavering sincerity that I will survive, I will provide, and I will exist as I’ve always meant to. I am not a pawn in some greater being’s game, not a plaything to be regarded and tossed aside, I have a name, I exist, I am a physical object and my mind’s intentions manifest, I have hands with which to grip and lungs with which to yell. I am who I always have been and always will be, I will die on the finish line eyes wide, slack jawed, my final breath comforting me as I comfort it. I just hope that’s enough.

A Song I Listened To Today — Biscuit Town by King Krule

Bedtime Medication

Lithium — 300mg x 2

Gabapentin — 300mg

Quetiapine — 100mg

Clonazepam — 0.5mg

Divalproex — 500mg

Seroquel XR — 400mg

Seroquel XR — 200mg