Goldman Sachs has published a semi-secret 54-page report for hedge-fund clients arguing that the world's going to hell and recommending ways to cash in.

The WSJ's Susan Pulliam and Liz Rappaport got their hands on a copy.

The report is not an official Goldman research report.

It's an unofficial Goldman research report—the kind you really want to read.

In the report, Goldman strategist Alan Brazil argues that:

European banks need $1 trillion of capital (bailout)

US small businesses are still sucking wind (and they're the ones that create jobs)

China's growth is probably not sustainable

Solving a debt problem (ours) with more debt doesn't work

He also recommends ways to "play" this debacle:

Buy a six-month put option on the Euro versus the Swiss Franc, thus betting the Euro will drop against the Franc (the Franc being the currency that an official Goldman report recently referred to as the most overvalued in the world)

Buy a five-year credit default swap on an index of European corporate debt — the iTraxx 9. This is a bet that some of these companies will default, and your insurance policy, the CDS, will pay off

Unfortunately, lest you think your knowledge of this semi-secret report will finally allow you to out-trade hedge funds, it won't. The hedge funds got the report on August 16th. As usual, you're the last to know.