TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic, Iran’s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids, but that’s a separate thing that he will deal with on his own. “I recently got tested and can officially confirm that I have been infected with Covid-19, also known as coronavirus, and, in addition to that, I have swollen and inflamed veins in my lower rectum, commonly known as hemorrhoids, although that’s a personal health issue that I will manage privately,” said Harirchi in an announcement on state television, adding that he would be isolating himself and making sure he undergoes proper treatment for the respiratory illness while also applying a topical ointment on his anus and eating high-fiber foods. “Everyone should make sure to exercise proper hygiene to prevent the outbreak from spreading any further, but don’t worry about my hemorrhoids spreading, since they’re not contagious or anything. So, yeah, just focus on the coronavirus thing, because that’s what’s really important. We believe the disease originated in Wuhan, China, and I am almost certain that my hemorrhoids most likely originated from my straining, because I’ve been on the toilet so much due to my IBS, although now that I think about it, you probably don’t need to be hearing about that so just forget it.” At press time, the press conference hit the 120 minute mark as Harirchi became distracted talking about a rash on his groin and his erectile dysfunction problems while trying to outline the government strategy for combating the virus.

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