Lesson #1 Stop hiding your flaws

We’re all messy. Sometimes really messy. And yet we pretend that we’re not, that it’s somehow dangerous to show it.

It’s a weird paranoia. If we expose our true selves, are honest about what we don’t know and suck at, we’ll lose our edge. Everyone will view us as weak and then we’ll be lowered on the social food chain.

But no one cares. Seriously, no one gives a f$#* that you’re nervous or scared or flawed. Only you do. And people hate perfection.

What’s ironic is: the most confident and composed people in the world all share a rather paradoxical trait. They’re the most open about their weaknesses.

For example, ask Patriots quarterback Tom Brady about what his weaknesses were in a post game press conference and he’ll rattle off a laundry list of things he did poorly.

Watch the most famous actress in the world, Jennifer Lawrence, spill out her insecurities in every late night talk show interview or Vogue feature.

Not only is being open about your flaws a humanizing personality trait, but it’s also absurdly liberating.

If you don’t have anything to hide, what’s there to fear?

Lesson #2: Do the opposite of what you’ve always done

Finance lesson.

Risk wise, is it better to be invested in one stock (say Apple) or five stocks (say Apple, Facebook, McDonalds…you get the drill) with the same amount of money?

I studied finance in college and one thing that was drilled into us incessantly was the importance of balance and diversification.

In other words, it’s very risky be to invested in just one thing (like Apple stock) so spread out your investments into other areas (stocks, cash, gold, bonds).

Applying the balancing theory to my own life, I was heavily invested in what other people thought of me.

All my eggs were in your basket.

And let me tell you, depending on other people for your happiness is a risky and horribly scary world to live in.

I needed to correct this imbalance and the only way I could think to do it was to: do the exact opposite. I had to get selfish and invest more in myself.

After doing some research, I found there’s actually some scientific proof that investing in yourself works. It’s why:

People who begin to exercise and lose weight start to see positive change across OTHER areas of their life (i.e. career or dating)

The person you’re dating becomes infinitely more attractive when they find a career they love

People driving Audi’s and BMW’s don’t care what you think about their “wasteful spending”

What did getting selfish look like in my life?

I started saying no to things that didn’t excite me. Like work. I left my corporate finance job and started a new career. I left friendships and relationships that weren’t working.

Professionally, I started investing in myself relentlessly.

I flew to California multiple times to meet with professional speakers to take workshops. I found a way to speak in front of groups 3x weekly for 6 months. I approached and started conversation with hundreds of random strangers in malls and coffee shops because I saw I wanted to improve myself.

I also started spending more time alone to recharge (my introverted need). I meditated. I played more basketball with friends. I watched more basketball with friends. I traveled to Asia.

It was scary as hell. But consciously doing things for me shifted things.

Your social fears dissolve into a larger context when you value yourself.

Lesson #3 Social confidence is a muscle

A skinny guy hasn’t lifted in over a year. He walks into a gym and picks up two 45 lb plates and puts them on a barbell. He goes to lift but the bar doesn’t budge.

A shy guy who hasn’t spoken to a group of girls in his life finally musters up enough courage to approach a girl in line at a coffee shop and starts a conversion. He’s too anxious to listen and the conversation dies out.

For both guys, it’s the same problem: weak muscles.

In the past several years as a student of social psychology, I’ve learned that we strengthen our ‘social muscles’ the same way as our bodily ones: through a regimented and consistent plan, a healthy diet of strategic exercises and a mix of nurturing techniques to help them grow.

But when we neglect them, avoid them, and don’t do things consistently to stay in shape, we find ourselves uncertain and uncomfortable in social situations. We are socially weak.

I used to have a very outgoing roommate who was confident in just about any social situation. He was socially ‘jacked.’

On a random Tuesday, we would go out to dinner and he’d approach the 40-year-old blondes eating sushi and drinking martinis out on girls’ night. We would go shopping and he’d tell the retail assistant how hot I thought she was and try to set up a date. I wanted to kill him.

He eventually cajoled me to start doing these things on my own in low stakes environments, mainly with friends and co-workers.

After seeing enough people’s reactions to know I wasn’t going to die of embarrassment, I started becoming more comfortable pushing my limits. I increased my weight. I took an improv class, tango lessons, and volunteered to give talks at work.

Eventually my social muscles weren’t just finely toned, they were strong. That’s when I started going after some world class weight.

One day, I persuaded a 60-year old woman to dance with me to Frank Sinatra in the middle of a department store, because I was terrified of doing ‘unacceptable’ things in public.

Another time, I gave an impromptu speech at the busiest Starbucks in Tampa, FL while pretending to be a Starbucks corporate employee in town from Seattle, because I hated being the center of attention.

I also once intentionally went silent for a 2-minute monologue at an acting workshop, because I hated the idea of looking like a weirdo.

I didn’t know it then, but I was shifting my beliefs and emotions through my behavior — it’s what PhD’s call behavioral therapy.