Name: Grimes.

Age: 31.

Appearance: Changeable.

Profession: Musician, wellness extremist.

I’m not familiar with the latter occupation. In that case, you might want to sit down for this.

For what? In a recent Instagram post promoting her collaboration with Adidas by Stella McCartney, Grimes was asked about her “training regime”.

How did she answer? She said: “I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximise the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, acetyl L-carnitine, magnesium etc.”

Hang on, what’s acetyl-L-carnitine? You’re going to have to trust me when I say we have no time to answer questions like that.

OK. Grimes went on: “From that point I spend two to four hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to ‘astro-glide’ to other dimensions – past, present, and future.”

It certainly makes for a full morning. “In the afternoons, I do a one to two-hour sword-fighting session with my trainer,” she said. This is followed by 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike, and another 45 minutes’ stretching.

Then bedtime? Not yet. Then she goes to the studio, “where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphCs”.

The dream! I’ll take your word for it. “Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes, while I slow boil the honey tea that maximises vocal proficiency.”

Am I allowed to ask who Hana is? No. “I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision,” Grimes continued, “through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression”.

For a wellness extremist, she doesn’t sound all that well. Perhaps the year she has spent dating Elon Musk is beginning to take its toll. Or maybe she is just having a laugh.

How do her promotional collaborators feel? “Grimes is the perfect embodiment of the Adidas by Stella McCartney core values,” wrote McCartney.

What core values? Sustainability, apparently.

But she spends 25 minutes slow-boiling tea! She also sleeps with the humidifier on.

And McCartney’s cool with that? She responded to the post with a smiley face emoji the one with hearts for eyes, so yeah.

Do say: “I prefer a neuroplastic goal above 71.5 AphCs, but you know what? To each their own.”

Don’t say: “In between the sword-fighting and the screaming, could you maybe mention your new Adidas trainers?”