Now you puke. There you go; right under the ottoman. Man, why does every bodily fluid inevitably end up there?

Step 12. The Ol' Switcheroo

Pack up what you can of the melted computer carcass and head on back to Fry's. The guy running the returns desk will almost certainly laugh in your face when you try to get store credit for a charred hunk of plastic with little pieces of Civil War-era quiltwork fused to the motherboard.

Here's what you do: You clench your jaw, you raise your head high, and you be a man.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

You tell him Billiam built it for you.

Getty

"I didn't think he should screw his tie into the motherboard, but I'm not a computer guy; what do I know?"

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

The Returns Guy will nod, and roll his eyes, and wave you on into the store. Do not go anywhere near the Computer Parts aisle -- Alan will look at you with eyes full of fatherly disapproval, and you'll confess the whole thing. You grab the first prebuilt computer you see and get the hell out of there.

Oh, and this is important: When they ask if you want help out to your car, say yes.

The fallout from Step 7 will probably be waiting for you in the parking lot, and you're going to need somebody to be your Second for the impending airboat duel. It's the Second's job to swat away any thrown pitchforks; you won't survive the first tilt without one.

Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.

For more from Brockway, check out 5 Bizarre Pitfalls of Owning a Classic Car and The Hoverboard Lie: How Back to the Future Ruined Childhood.