TWO of Britain’s biggest lifestyle industries have teamed up to create ‘dietopathy’.

The new science involves losing weight by drinking delicious milkshakes that do not contain any milkshake.

Tom Logan, who qualified as a dietopath after printing off a colourful certificate with elegant fonts, said: “With dietopathy you can eat whatever you want, because all our meals contain no trace of whatever they’re supposed to be.

“What appears to be an empty plate is actually a delicious trifle with lots of custard and layers of juicy sponge.

“That’s because the plate we’ve sold you once had a trifle on it. Which is pretty much the same as it having a trifle on it.

“Once you have eaten your trifle you then write down the number of calories in your Dietopathy Log, which, if you are doing it correctly should be zero.”

Logan, who also holds a number of other ‘path’ titles, including homeo-, naturo-, and ghosteo-, added: “You’re special!”

Peterborough GP, Dr Emma Bradford, said: “Let’s bung it on the NHS. Why the fuck not?”