AKRON, OHIO — Yesterday afternoon, while attending a celebratory picnic for the local school’s baseball championship win, one player’s new stepdad caused widespread discomfort with his unkempt ponytail.

“Nobody said anything,” says Timmy Russell, a player on the team. “We all like Jake a lot. It’s tough when a parent remarries, especially when that parent marries a person that has a really bad ponytail and just seems super lame on all fronts.”

While most of the parents attempted to talk to Jake’s new stepdad, the dried mayonnaise collected in the corners of his mouth and overbearing scent of mothballs did little to distract from the greasy ferret hanging from the back of his head.

“Overall, I didn’t like him,” says the dad who drinks too much at every game. “He seemed a little purple if you know what I mean.”

“I’d heard he was a really good computer coder,” says one mother. “I tried to talk to him about it, but he kept spitting on me when he spoke and closing his eyes when explaining anything technical. That was unfortunate.”

While Jake himself had no comment on his stepdad’s ponytail, according to his coach, he’s started to display signs of social rebellion, such as listening to bad punk music in the locker room and hanging out with the wrong crowd after school.

“I’ve seen kids go down the wrong path due to less than a stepdad’s bad ponytail,” says Coach Watkins, “And this is the worst ponytail I’ve ever seen. Hopefully he’ll be alright. Jake definitely needs all the support he can get right now.”