I struggled with the decision to write a review about the Plush Groundhog Day Hat because, after all, I'm the man featured in the photo.



Ever since the day this picture was taken, my life has spiraled out of control into a world fueled by drink and ravaged by divorce and disappointment (not necessarily in that order). I hardly recognize the man wearing that incredibly soft groundhog with the charming "Groundhog Day"-emblazoned sash and posh top hat.



It's like I'm looking at a stranger.



That carefully groomed goatee you see -- it's now peppered with gray, thanks to the stress caused by fans and reporters showing up at my house, accosting me every February 2. "Did your hat see its shadow?!" "Will spring come early?!" "Do we have another six weeks of winter?!"



I am but one man. One man wearing a delightful hat, yes, but I cannot know all of the answers.



The welcoming smile on my face -- gone! Replaced with a perpetual grimace.



The maroon, loose-fitting polo shirt I'm wearing -- now relegated to a dish rag. For years that was my go-to shirt, until my crippling depression steered me towards binge eating and rapid weight-gain.



I don't know what I was expecting when I posed for this photograph. Perhaps some attention from the local news team every Groundhog Day. Maybe future opportunities to pose for photos wearing other plush animals on my head. I don't know. But I certainly didn't ask for my world to be turned upside down.



That's why I consider this review my final say on the matter. My time to crawl back into my hole until spring, if you will. I simply can't expect every day to be as special as the day this photo was taken. It's time to move on.



So, as I close this chapter of my life, I'd like to conclude by saying this: the manufacturer claims that each Plush Groundhog Hat comes with "an unlimited supply of fun and laughter."



I respectfully disagree.