VICKSBURG, MS—Acknowledging that she hadn’t finished what she was saying in quite some time, family sources confirmed Monday that local mom Debra Garrison has not spoken a full, uninterrupted sentence to her family since 1997. According to witnesses, despite regularly contributing to conversations throughout the past 20-plus years, Garrison has failed to complete a single coherent thought before being talked over by one of her children or contradicted mid-sentence by her husband. Reports further indicate that the closest the 47-year-old mother of three has gotten to finishing a sentence in the past two decades was in 2003 when she said, “Hey, why don’t we get dinner at—,” just before her oldest daughter abruptly got up and walked out of the room. Recent accounts suggesting Garrison had at long last completed a sentence in the presence of her son were undermined by the discovery that he was wearing headphones and had not heard a single word.

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