History’s most fearless appraiser, Mark Wahlberg, has once again cast a squinty eye back at the past—as if to say, “Hey past, what are you looking at?”—and proclaimed Transformers “probably the most iconic franchise in movie history.” Much as Wahlberg averred his confidence that he could have prevented 9/11, if only fate had the balls to put him on that plane, the actor is now supremely sure not only of Transformers’ dominance over all movie franchises of the past, but also of the future, suggesting we have only begun to recognize the awesome power Mark Wahlberg wields over that pussy space-time continuum.


“This will be the biggest movie of 2014,” Wahlberg told CinemaCon audiences of the upcoming Transformers: Age Of Extinction, deeming the fourth in the series “bigger and better than the other three combined,” and declaring, “For moviegoers all over the world, I guarantee this will take it up a notch.” It’s a guarantee any potentially dissatisfied consumers can take up with the Mark Wahlberg’s Better Think About It Bureau, though they’d better think about it.

Still, for anyone doubting that Wahlberg is as adept at predicting the outcomes of future events as he is at predicting past events-plus-Mark Wahlberg, their skepticism matters little. Wahlberg is already certain that Transformers has now secured its place in movie franchise history, as a film series far more iconic than James Bond, Star Wars, Batman etc. After all, history is always vastly improved with the addition of Mark Wahlberg.