LOS ANGELOS, CA — After employing the services of sex worker Mercedes Fyre last Thursday, local man, who will remain anonymous, wrote a scathing a review on YELP insulting her performance.

The review has been copied in it’s entirety below:

After enjoying a surf and turf dinner with my wife and kids, I needed to unwind. The stress! So I dumped off my family, drove down to Santa Ana, and scooped a layydayyy for an hour’s business. I must say, Mercedes was by far the most sluggish prostitute I’ve ever experienced. Her entire being exuded weariness and malaise. She’s clearly lost all drive for upward mobility.

Her style was all take and no give. I don’t need much, but I need a little. If I wanted to sleep with a corpse I would have stayed home. Christ, I could have gotten two Big Mac’s for 10 bucks!

In hindsight, I understand why she was parked on the sidewalk with a For Sale sign. She may call herself Mercedes, but she drove like a used Pontiac.

I regretfully admit that after a life of low standards, I now realize some sex is worse than none at all. Next time I’ll just stay home and watch a movie with my family. No stars.

Given the harsh tone and belittling aspects of the review, our staff sought out Mercedes Fyre to get her side of the story. After a difficult search, we located Mercedes behind the local high school, offering handies to students for their leftover lunch.

In response to the harsh rating, Mercedes replied, “That cracker’s balls smelled like cheese.”

Well there you have it. A woman of few words.

As our correspondent left the school grounds he overheard one student complaining about Mercedes’ massage abilities.

“Her form was just awful. No energy at all. It was like an arthritic rolling dice. I should have kept those last few fries.”

Another day, another unsatisfied customer.