England fans across the country have been left strandard as the England Hype Train failed to show up on time after the last 16 victory over Colombia.

Thomas Train, a representative of Network Rail spoke with High Press News earlier today stating: “There’s a 65% chance the hype train will arrive sometime today – we’re confident in that. Well, maybe not 65% confident, let’s lower that to 42%. We are 28% confident the Hype Train will arrive sometime today.” The representative returned 15 minutes later to tell us his previous statement had been cancelled.

The Hype Train is set to include on-board facilities such as copious vuvuzela storage, a cafe serving exclusively shite lager, and a tattoo parlour that will only tattoo “England 2018 World Cup Winners” on pale fat blokes. High Press News can also confirm that there will not be any toilets on board. Network Rail have instead told fans to “bottle it” – something England are all too adept at.

“Unfortunately, our timetables never took in to account England getting this far,” said Thomas, who appeared 40 minutes late for our interview with three less carriages than promised. “But to tackle this issue we have decided to indiscriminately alter the times of all trains in the UK to somehow alleviate the problem.”

Given England’s Hype Train had already been boarded months before the tournament started, Network Rail’s excuses are proving difficult to stomach for England fans.