Need a computerised toupee made of yak hair? Of course you do. Thankfully, Sony have patented the 'smart wig' - but where can you get one?

Is Sony's 'smart wig' even more absurd than Google Glass?

Age: In development.

Appearance: Like hair. But smarter.

This can't be what it sounds like. Oh, but it can and it is.

Please tell me it's just a smart-looking wig. I can't and won't.

Fine. It's a computer in a toupee, isn't it? That's the idea.

Whose idea, exactly, and how are they still alive? Engineers at Sony. And they're alive and thriving because enough of their ridiculous ideas turn into hugely successful products.

But … but … a wig? A smart wig? So they hope. The electronics giant has applied to patent a "wearable computing device" wired into a hairpiece. The application states the smart wig could be made from "horse hair, human hair, wool, feathers, yak hair, buffalo hair or any kind of synthetic material".

Wool? Feathers? Human hair? Are they drunk? To be fair, the purpose of a patent is to cover all possible bases. It doesn't mean the finished product has to come in a choice of yak or buffalo.

But why would anyone want a feathery PC on their head? Well, for one thing, because it might give them super powers.

Are you drunk now as well? No, I've just been browsing the patent's extensive list of possible smart wig functions.

Such as? Bat-vision. Apparently it could deploy "ultrasound waves" to detect nearby objects and help navigate through darkness.

Pssh. And? Wig-sensing. It could use vibration or small electric shocks to provide "tactile feedback" to the wearer. Plus it could monitor environmental conditions and users' vital signs.

Oh. Hmm. Any more? Telepathy, for one. Or "wig-to-wig communication" via the tactile feedback mechanisms. Also telekinesis, using facial expressions or brain activity to control, for example, a computer presentation.

That sounds brilliant. Anything else? Self-awareness. It could be fitted with an electronic compass and camera to let the user know "whether the wig is correctly mounted on the head or not".

I must have it. You'll have to wait a while.

I must have it at once! Keep your hair on.

Do say: "At the end of the day, it's still a wig."

Don't say: "What next, mind-reading merkins?"