"Horror show", "disaster", "debacle", (Mopo); "downfall", "shooting gallery" (Bild); "a subterranean catastrophe" (the Hamburg goalkeeper René Adler): It wasn't so much the performance by the Rothosen in the 5-1 home defeat by TSG Hoffenheim that appalled their supporters but the fact that the associated "shock" headlines have lost their power to shock.

Starting the season this poorly has become a way of life at Hamburg, and defeats of a similar magnitude throughout the last campaign have exhausted both the tabloid crisis vernacular and the possibilities for grand gestures of repentance. There are only so many remorseful barbecue parties you can invite your fans to, even if your name is Hamburger SV.

"This is not the first time that something like that has happened, it's the 10th time," said an angry Thorsten Fink. "Since [I came here] not once have this team let me breathe easily for two or three games in a row". The Hamburg manager's greatest problem is the side's total unpredictability, but maybe that pathological inconsistency has actually been a blessing for him when you consider Hamburg's strong propensity for falling apart completely at the drop of a hat: if it hadn't been for a few half-decent games and the odd convincing one, too, someone else would be driven to despair by now, possibly in the second division.

The first-half against Hoffenheim was indifferent enough to raise alarm bells. Rafael van der Vaart had cancelled out Roberto Firmino's opener with a penalty just before the break. But then all hell broke lose. "We had our instructions but every one did what they wanted," said the Hamburg centre-back Heiko Westermann.

Hoffenheim, led by the irrepressible playmaker Firmino and by Anthony Modeste in attack, scored almost at will on the counter, then again, again, and once more to make it an embarrassment. "Every shot went in," said their manager Markus Gisdol. "I feel sorry for the supporters who had to pay for this shit," remarked Adler.

Those ultimately responsible for the mess swiftly passed the buck. Both Fink ("the players need to think hard why they're playing this badly") and the sporting director, Oliver Kreuzer, pointed the finger at the so-called "Führungsspieler" – the established, experienced players in the side. "They are not in a position to bring any structure or stability to the team, and there are reasons for that," said Kreuzer, without offering any of his own. The captain, Van der Vaart, in particular endured an unhappy afternoon. The Dutchman was subbed and jeered six minutes from time and threw his armband on the pitch in frustration.

Fink reacted by giving his men two days off. "I'm so pissed off, I don't want to see them," said the former Bayern midfielder. The measure, pre-planned before the defeat, didn't go down too well with the board nor the public; a Bild story about Dennis Aogo heading off to Mallorca for a quick holiday fuelled the populist fires of unrest on Monday.

The bigger question is whether Fink's psychological approach to dealing with the team's defensive lapses is sufficient. The 45-year-old seems to follow the example of his former coach Ottmar Hitzfeld, who spent most of his time in Munich fine-tuning the complicated team dynamic. Fink explained that there was no point in being "negativistic", in other words, to dwell on mistakes – "if you tell a little child not to run into a tree, it will run into a tree," he said. Maybe that's true. But that fragile mental state could surely be helped with some more concrete tactical instructions rather than treating his players like little children who cannot be trusted alone in the woods. Fink could address them as grown-ups and provide them with a map and a torch for their journey.

During the 2012-13 Bundesliga campaign, Hamburg's numbers added up to mediocrity: won 14, lost 14, drew six. Goal difference -11. The weakness behind Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund and Bayer Leverkusen was such that this was enough for a seventh-place finish. Mid-table is a more realistic destination for this team, and that's probably the most depressing part of the story. Hamburg, despite their stature, rich tradition and fantastic support, look set to remain the league's greatest underachievers.

In what can only be a horribly cruel, satirical piece, die Welt suggested that only "a radical solution like Felix Magath" could now save Hamburg from their fate as eternal also-rans. That's right – what this cash-strapped, incompetence-stricken club need most is Magath, the expert for sustainable, long-term team building, transfer-market know-how and sensitive man-management. It would be quite funny if it wasn't so frightening – there's every chance the board will take that mean-spirited suggestion seriously.

Talking points

• VfL Wolfsburg 4-0 Schalke 04

"Everyone felt here's one who can do it, and everyone's enjoyed [him doing] it," said the Wolfsburg sporting director, Klaus Allofs, after Luiz Gustavo's excellent debut for the club. The Brazilian mustered a pass completion rate of 98% and brought quiet elegance to the centre of the park. His colleagues in attack and some abysmal defending from the Royal Blues did the rest. "The only thing that Schalke showed were glaring weaknesses in all departments," wrote WAZ.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar hobbling off with a knee injury [out for four weeks] completed the nightmare. The preparation for the Champions League play-off game against Saloniki could not have been worse.

• Werder Bremen 1-0 Augsburg

40,000 supporters honoured the recently departed manager Thomas Schaaf for 14 years of service in the Weserstadion with a spine-tingling choreography. Schaaf was not himself there, which was probably a good thing; his memory as the most impassive Bundesliga manager since Ernst Happel will stay intact. But things have undoubtedly changed at the club. His successor, Robin Dutt, managed to win his second league game in charge 1-0 – not very Werder-like but welcome, nevertheless.

• Eintracht Frankfurt 0-1 Bayern

The game was so dull that it reminded Süddeutsche Zeitung of "hospital food designed to be easy on the stomach: lukewarm chicken with rice". A fair assessment, in terms of Bayern's mostly sterile dominance and Eintracht's willingness to be dominated. But the result could have easily turned out spicy, too: Pep Guardiola needed the benefit of a couple of favourable refereeing decisions – a questionable offside call against Alex Meier and a push on the player in the box that was overlooked – to register his second win. Both sides seemed fairly happy with the result, however. "They didn't kill us," said the Eintracht midfielder Pirmin Schwegler. Meanwhile, Manuel Neuer, the Bayern goalkeeper, said: "We didn't want to play brilliant football or take the opponents apart, the result was important today".

Matthias Sammer, to the surprise of nobody, had plenty of cause for concern. The Bayern sporting director first castigated the Spanish federation for their late call-ups of Thiago Alcântara and Javier Martínez for the friendly in Ecuador and then their lack of communication about their returns. "This is no way to deal with people," he said.

A second, infinitely more interesting grievance was with the team's fitness levels. "We saw that we don't have that stamina, that power yet," he said. "We have to get into this fast rhythm quickly. One or two players who might have come in later have to do more to achieve a perfect condition."

• Borussia Dortmund 2-1 Eintracht Braunschweig

Jonas Hofmann got the Yellow Wall's juices going with a goal – following a sensational pass from Mats Hummels – and by providing the assist for Marco Reus's penalty by way of getting fouled in the box. "To be able to bring on Hoffi with this freshness and virginity, to see him spread so much joy, was a wonderful thing," cheered Jürgen Klopp.

It was hard going at times, not helped by a silent protest from ultra groups who had been encircled and searched by police before the match. It didn't matter in the end – Dortmund are top of the league with the best start in 12 years. In addition, the last-minute remnants of doubt about Robert Lewandowski's immediate future were resolved by awarding the Pole better wages (from £20,000 per week to £60,000 per week) for his last season at the Westfalenstadion. It's a sweetener aimed at keeping the striker motivated and can also be read as a tacit admission that the club have gone back on their promise to let him leave this summer. Dortmund changed tack after Mario Götze was snatched by Bayern and later argued that a reported offer for Lewandowski from Bayern was never a firm one.

But Lewandowski's importance to the team is such that they have taken a pragmatic step. He immediately reciprocated by getting on the scoresheet against Braunschweig. Sadly, his involuntary, deflected header also went into Roman Weidenfeller's net on 89 minutes.

Other results: Stuttgart 0-1 Leverkusen, Freiburg 1-2 Mainz, Borussia Mönchengladbach 3-0 Hannover, Nürnberg 2-2 Hertha.

Latest Bundesliga table