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A quick observation, one backed up by science (at least as a five minute google search revealed): it’s getting more difficult to have male friends as I get older. Yes, my time is largely taken up with family and work. Yes, there are lots of activities in the elders’ quorum. But I find that I simply don’t have very many close friendships with men. Maybe a handful. Most live far away.

The benefits of male friendship are ample. Increased life expectancy, feelings of satisfaction and belonging, and what’s more, there’s some evidence that healthy male friendships may counter some of the effects of toxic masculinity and violence. Loneliness and desperation will drive men to do bad things, it seems.

You would think that our church would be great at nurturing and developing male friendships. I mean we’re a _patriarchy_ for crying out loud. I know people that speak of lifelong friends made while serving together in a bishopric or presidency. But many men — maybe most — will end up serving alone. They’ll come to church, sit with their family, then sit through their meetings and go home. Somehow, the hour each week spent together does not, or at least in my experience has not resulted in close friendships, but instead a sort of pleasant familiarity that makes me ok with them borrowing my truck.

None of this is the Church’s fault. Culturally, men rely on shared activities — sports, work, etc. — to bring them together, rather than psychological or spiritual bonds. As men get older, have careers, and families, those activities dry up and the possibility of new friendships also starts to evaporate. Unless the early friendships have evolved and formed ties along spiritual/psychological lines, the friends are likely to disappear. That’s not to say that I’m no longer friends with my mountain biking buddies, it’s just that they’re _mountain biking buddies_ and I don’t mountain bike as much.

The revamped elders’ quorum and the new lesson formats lend themselves, potentially, to a reshaping of how we view male relationships. Older and younger men meet together, with a format that encourages collaboration, sharing of viewpoints and spiritual experiences. Yes, there are activities and opportunities to serve together. But we’re not relying upon Wednesday night basketball to make friends. This is a good thing.

Is it enough? Is it realistic for us to look to church for male friendships?