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ALL eyes were on Apple yesterday, when… Christ.

Jesus Christ.

How many times can we write this same article over and over again.

It’s a phone. It’s a God damned phone. It’s the same fucking phone they revealed last year, and the year before, and the year before… for ten years, the same thing. A newer phone, slightly better, slightly flashier, much more expensive, with a new range of blah blah blah who fucking cares.

A liquid retina display. What fucking even is that? Who cares. How will it benefit you?

People were clapping at the event. Going nuts. For a phone. For a multinational corporation’s newest method of separating the public from their money.

It’s got some sort of fancy triple camera on the back of it. Well, shit the bed. We’re sure that’s going to make your selfies on the bus look just fantastic.

Here’s a few new features that the iPhone 11 doesn’t have. It doesn’t have a hundred people shot in South Sudan. You know what does have a hundred people shot in South Sudan? South Sudan! Just one of things we’d all be talking about if we weren’t talking about the iPhone 11’s sleek finish, which you’re going to cover with a leather wallet phone protector like a little book.

We’re never going to win a Pulitzer.

We’re never going to win anything.

We’re never going to cover a ground-breaking story, expose corruption at the highest level of government… no, we’re going to be over here telling you about how you’re all going to make Apple’s stocks soar because you wanted to be the first of your friends to pay a grand for the same fucking phone you already have.

They didn’t make Woodward and Bernstein do this shit.

What’s that Bob? Carl? You think there’s something going on in the Nixon administration and you want to blow the lid on it? Yeah, sure guys. Right after you give me a thousand words on the newest rotary telephone. I hear Sears have one that is green now! Get on it, lads!

And hey, don’t forget the best part; we get to do this again next year! In fact, we’ll do it several times a year, for Samsung and Google phones too!

Word count accomplished enjoy your new phone. Barkeep! When you’re ready!