1 Sterling: Conway! What the shit, man?!

Conway: What? Schmeck was a traitor.

Sterling: Yeah, now he's all over my $400 custom shirt.

Conway: Well, I'll buy you a new one. Now grab the plans before it's too late!

Sterling: It's already too late. Because it's already soaked into the fibers, dumbass! This is linen! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote 0 Downvote

2 Sterling: Yeah, I know it's sexy Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color.

Woodhouse: These are all black.

Sterling: Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black, and are five in a slightly darker black? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

3 Sterling: Do not wind her up: that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.

Lana: Baby crazy?!

Sterling: That's why I dumped her.

Lana: You little, you sack of shit. I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!

Sterling: See, all you talk about is baby shit, because you're baby crazy! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

4 Crenshaw: Yes, picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest–

Lana: Jesus christ! He's got an erection!

Crenshaw: What the hell is wrong with you people?!

Malory: An erection? The thought of me dead gives you an erection?

Sterling: No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean not ... ew. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

5 Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

6 Sterling: How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?

Ramone: "El Hulk."

Sterling: Gay.

Ramone: What? We don't have a word for "Hulk."

Sterling: Do you have a word for gay?

Ramone: "Gay."

Sterling: Gayer. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

7 Cyril, come on. Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food. What? I said worst case. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

8 Lana. Lana. Lana? LANA! Danger zone. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

9 I'm getting my turtleneck. I'm not defusing a bomb in this! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

10 Sterling: And M, as in Mancy.

Lana: M, as in what?

Sterling: Mancy. What'd you think I said? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

11 Hey, we're out there risking our lives every—many of the days! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

12 Hey Cyril. Cyril. CYRIL! I'm saving Lana, as usual! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

13 Sterling: Hey! I'm serious. Look at me, seriously, Lana. Forget the eye bandage, but the hair, the strong jawline—who do I remind you of?

Lana: Nobody.

Sterling: Say it. Say it. Say it!

Lana: Burt Reynolds in Deliverance.

Sterling: No! Not in Deliverance. In Gator! How can you not see that? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -1 Downvote

14 I'm not saying I invented the turtleneck. But I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck! The... tactleneck! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

15 No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone! And possibly dehydrated! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

16 Sterling: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?

Lana: Cos play enthusiasts! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

17 If you want breakfast you should try the diner; you're obviously into greek. Get it? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

18 I have to go, but if I find one dog hair when I come back I'll rub sand into your dead little eyes. I also need you to buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but ... coarse. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

19 Malory: It doesn't exist for you to just jet off to ... Whore island!

Sterling: That's not ... a real place. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

20 Malory: Have I made myself clear?

Sterling: You're looking for the word yes.

Malory: Yes.

Sterling: Then, yes. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

21 Can't or won't? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

22 God, everything makes you uncomfortable. Just the tip? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

23 So, thanks for nothing Carol. Now, I have to break into ISIS headquarters—in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined, I'm going to make you drink heavy cream, you ... Carol. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

24 Hey, I know you're upset, but if you ever mention my mother's loins or their frothiness to me again, I don't know what I'll do ... but it will be bad. Now let's go bury this dead hooker. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

25 You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I ... oh shit, my rug! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

26 Sterling: Conway, wait! Just answer me one question.

Conway: Yeah, but make it quick—my ride's here. And your lungs are filling up with blood.

Sterling: Did you have sex with my mother?

Conway: Wait, what? That is your only question? Not who am I, not how did I infiltrate ISIS, or, or, or who's flying the helicopter?

Sterling: Just answer the question!

Conway: No, Archer, I didn't have sex with your mom. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

27 Malory: It's okay! They're just blanks.

Lana: Well, see, you say that ...

Malory: But they were blanks—weren't they?

Sterling: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

28 Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

29 Woodhouse, we got any lube? Like even olive oil at this point would ... help me get that drawer unstuck. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

30 You know, when I was little I used to pretend that you weren't my mother. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

31 And your shoes! Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly? Seriously, that's like Eggs 101, Woodhouse. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

32 Sterling: Do you not see me rocking this chiseled slab of hard man body? I mean, come on! Are you gay or not?

Ramone: I am, but you—you are so not my type.

Sterling: Hey, I am everybody's type. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

33 Sterling: You know, if there's one thing women totally love, it's to be smothered by men.

Cheryl: Ha, like you'd know.

Sterling: Or choked, in your case. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

34 How'd you get life insurance, Lana? Don't they know you're in the danger zone? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

35 Lana: Okay, that was a fluke.

Sterling: Yeah, a fluke of nature. Because I happen to have perfect situational awareness, Lana. Which cannot be taught, by the way. Like a poet's ... mind for ... to make the perfect words. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

36 I'm gonna pain you dearly Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flencing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

37 Hey. Hey, proposition: first person to untie me, guy or gal, I will let him or her give me a handy. Come on, let's share the milk of human kindness! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -2 Downvote

38 No Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

39 Hm? Sorry I was picturing Whore Island. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

40 Malory: If you were half as smart as she was–

Sterling: She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

41 Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

42 If you let me into the mainframe, I'll drop these donuts. And then you can pretend you're a hungry hungry ... hungry hippo. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

43 Lying is like 95% of what I do. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

44 See that? He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister ... dammit. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

45 Sterling: Woodhouse, what are you doing?

Woodhouse: Uhh, sitting down, sir.

Sterling: What, at the table? Like people?

Malory: Sterling!

Sterling: What? He thinks he's people! –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

46 You're gay! I mean, I am, too. We're both gay. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

47 Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud? –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -3 Downvote

48 You better call Kenny Loggins. 'Cause you're in the danger zone. –quote by Sterling Archer Upvote -4 Downvote