ACT ONE: EXPLORATION

"Yo Simon, where my weed n' bitchez at?" Alvin said.

"The internet's down. I can't find your weed and bitches. What's the internet password?" Simon said."

"Bustinondatbish42069," Theodore said as he was masturbating to a girl-on-girl video featuring Brittany and Eleanor of the Chipettes and eating a big ass bowl of doritos covered in PCP.

Simon typed it into the Wifi (entitled "Cum_Pet_Mai_Dawg"), opened Internet Explorer via Wineskin, and checked the history of the computer to find a gruesome search history of lies, the occult, drank, amputee porn, a GeoCities page dedicated to parental sex changes and Rice-A-Roni, and conversations with underage girls on Yahoo. The item that caught him the most off guard, however, was a video of what appeared to be a bald female corpse with stitches around her neck stabbing a female with no tits who appeared to be on her period to death. "Oh my…" Simon whispered as he started to violently spasm.

"What's wrong?" Alvin said.

Theodore continued his quest of self-pleasure, and both of the other chipmunks thought nothing of it.

ACT TWO: ROAD TO NOWHERE

It was a Friday night in Boston as Ernie Dangle and Rhodesia Hansen were headed back to Berklee College of Music after seeing Sesame Street Live and blowing Elmo's balls (both of them simultaneously) and penetrating Big Bird's wrinkly arsehole covered in curdled balsamic vinaigrette dressing.

"Shit, that was un-fuckin'-real babe!"

"You bet!"

Ernie started squeezing Rhodesia's massive tits and rubbing against her flat and air-tight vagina, and bit her big red lips. Her electric blue eyes closed and she started humping his leg. Then, Ernie said. "I wanna fuck you until you cum a bucket of sriracha rice pudding, but we need a fuckin' ride."

"Yea-rice pudding? Dude, I just ate that shit before we met up! Ew!" Rhodesia exclaimed.

"Whoa, calm down. We need an Uber."

Rhodesia sighed and bit her own lip. "Sure. We're not walking all the way to Mass Ave, that's for sure. And did you hear that Cats is coming to town? Can you believe it? Cats! IT'S THE BEST FUCKING MUSICAL. I WOULD PITCH A NO HITTER IN DAT BITCH RUMPLETEAZER. EATIN CAT CATFISH, AM I RITE! I ONCE MET ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER AND SMELLED HIS SEMEN-STAINED BOWTIE. ISN'T THAT GRE-"

"I just got us a ride from this guy named Dave. And damn, doesn't he look like Jason Lee?"

Rhodesia examined his facial features. "Yeah. He looks like a stoned piece of shit who acts in shitty family movies in the vein of Kevin James."

Ernie froze. "WHOA. Zookeeper was a fucking brilliant masterpiece, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 was the best sequel in history! I mean, he just made jokes that topped the first every time!"

"You haven't even seen the fucking Paul Blart: Mall Cop movie. A group of deaf quadriplegic veterans would blow their brain gunk out of their skull before they'd watch that shit. You're just saying this to piss me off, aren't you Ern-"

"Hey, what's up Dave?" Ernie said.

"Hey Ernie, and...uh…" Dave stuttered as his dick rose.

"Rhodesia." Rhodesia said.

Dave eargasmed at the sound of her saccharine, soft, and gentle voice, gazed curiously at her massive tits like a fat neckbearded ginger kid who just found out about atheism on Wikipedia, and rolled his eyes towards the flat-as-hell cameltoe in her short-shorts.

"So, are you two dating?" Dave asked.

Rhodesia started tongue-kissing Ernie until she realized that Dave was driving past their destination.

"Ummm, dude. Where the hell are you going?" Rhodesia angrily asked.

Dave started chuckling maniacally. "If only you knew."

Ernie elbowed Rhodesia when he saw the rifle in Dave's ass pocket.

Rhodesia closed her eyes started trembling and squeezed Ernie's hand and dick, and Ernie closed his eyes and started to cum. Then Dave squeezed the trigger on his rifle as both of their eyes were closed.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

"One in each heart, and one in the hard on! WHOOO! I can't wait to show the Chipmunks!"

After a while, when Rhodesia's pants started to smell terrible, and Ernie was cumming sriracha mayo, he started to vomit, lose control of the car like a kid with autism losing control of their bowels at age 15, and he crashed into an abortion clinic.

He then grabbed a trash can full of fetuses, Rhodesia and Ernie's corpses, and bailed.