"Pops, you're murmuring, 'Rebekah, we've got to look after Rebekah' in your sleep again. You keep waking me up."

"Sorry, James. It's been a stressful week. Now go back to sleep."

"Pops. Is Rebekah going to be our new mum?"

"No, James, she's not. Wendi's your mum now. We have to look after Rebekah because if she gets fired those lentil-eating, sandal-wearing bastards at the Grauniad will turn their attention on you, son. I'm not having that James, you're family."

"Pops, are we going to close another newspaper when we get up today? Closing the News of the World was quite exciting – and it was all my idea, wasn't it, Pops?"

"No, son, we're not going to close the Sun, the Sunday Times or the Times, though it would teach some of those toffee-nosed Poms a lesson if they lost their precious Times. It's cost me a fortune and they're not a bit grateful. Look at the way they've all turned on us just over a bit of phone hacking."

"Pops, I've got something to tell you."

" James, it's four o'clock. The alarm clock won't ring for another hour. Go back to sleep."

"But Pops, I've got to tell you eventually. When I signed off on those cheques to settle all those complaints, I thought phone-hacking just meant hacks using the phone. I didn't realise it was serious, I didn't know it was illegal. I'm sorry, Pops.

"It's all right, James. We all make mistakes, I've made a couple myself. We'll get through it, we always do."

"Pops, why do the politicians hate us? I thought they all came to your parties and laughed at your old jokes. Weren't they our friends too?"

"They're just a bunch of cowardly opportunists, James. I've seen it before in America, Asia and even in God's own country, Australia, matey. Why, even in China they can bottle out of a decent decision to back my business interests."

"Is that why the hacks hacked into their phones and bank accounts, Pops?"

"No, it wasn't James and I've told you before that you don't know anything about phone hacking. It was a rogue reporter. No, that was last year's story. It was a rogue news room. And they did it because they believe that in a free and transparent democracy voters have a right to know what those bastard politicians are up to."

"I think Sienna Miller's lovely, Pops. I was sorry to read that she was treated just as badly as that Gordon Brown. I never liked him much, too grumpy. Why did we hack Sienna, Pops? I was really upset about her broken heart."

"Because the readers had a right to know what she was up to, son. Now try and go back to sleep."

KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Pops, I think there's someone at the door. Shall I let them in?"

"No, son, it will only be Sheila, the housekeeper."

"Pops, he says he's a policeman and he wants all our computers. You won't let him take my new iPad, will you?"

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