Last Friday night, having finished all my exams, I hopped on a coach and headed South to play at being a good little unicorn for the weekend. Some celebrate with alcohol; I celebrate with threesomes. As we sat in traffic, slowly inching out of the city, I plugged into the rather large back catalogue of podcasts that had been piling up whilst I was in revision hell, and pressed play. It wasn’t long before I was listening to Dan Savage give advice to a sweet sounding unicorn – slang for girls who sleep with couples – who was wondering whether to fuck a woman and her husband. I don’t remember the details of the call, but at some point Dan said that it didn’t matter whether she threw up on the couple, they would still want her, seeing as how unicorns are so rare and all. Whilst he may have a point – we are a special breed – it got me thinking about good unicorn etiquette. Because as much as I may be able to behave despicably and still get fucked by couples, I, personally, like to be asked back, and I like to treat people well! Also, it occurred to me that I have been in relationships (of sorts) with two couples for a while now – one for 6 months, the other for seventeen! – and this might be one area of non-monogamy where I can make more than just educated guesses. For once, I actually know what I’m talking about.

I should probably preface this by explaining how my relationships with these couples work. Neither of these couples are polyamorous, and I wouldn’t call any of them my girlfriends or boyfriends; I am really good friends with everyone, and love their company, and feel blessed that I get to share their beds as well. I refer to them as ‘relationships’ in so far as I have a lot of affection for both pairs, and we have good sexual chemistry. Also, I should mention that because I am (95%) straight, most of the penetrative sex that happens is between the couples themselves or myself and the men; then, of course, there is a lot of voyeurism and BDSM between all three of us.

I have found being a third something of a balancing act between respecting the boundaries of the couples, and demanding my own pleasure. I am lucky in that with both my situations, establishing boundaries has happened fairly naturally. The first few times I played with both couples, I didn’t demand much, but let them take the lead and observed how they interacted with each other. With one couple, the BDSM aspect is quite pronounced, and because the husband is a Dom and the wife and I both take submissive roles, the dynamic between the three of us came quite naturally too. It helps immensely that we are all good friends, and that the wife and I read each others’ blogs and therefore have a reasonably good grasp of one another’s tastes and interests. So by the time we moved into threesomes and play, we had unwittingly done a lot of communication already. (So much for my post-high school decision not to fuck my friends any more! Oops.)

Although there is BDSM with the other couple, their dynamic is not 24/7, and I would say that my connection with them is less about dominance and submission and more about sex, which can be very sensual and decadent, rather than always being rough. Don’t get me wrong, it can be rough as well, and I certainly won’t complain if they want to handcuff me to the bed and take turns beating me again! But the dynamic is certainly more fluid. For example, there are times when the woman will feel less comfortable with me fucking her partner and so I’ll just watch them, and there are times when she and I engage more. We also enjoy roleplaying, which can affect the way the three of us interact: for example, when she and I dressed up as schoolgirls it put him firmly (giggedy-giggedy) in charge, whereas when we dressed as secretaries, she and I got the chance to be a little more teasing and flirty.

Being submissive(ish), asking for what I want can be problematic. It tends to take me out of my arousal, so I prefer not to be too demanding when we’re actually playing. Instead I maintain good communication before I see them. In fact, I do this with single partners as well. One of the many benefits of modern technology is the ability to send and receive texts/messages/emails/tweets which serve as guidelines and foreplay. We can all make suggestions (in a flirtatious manner) which can later be incorporated into sex and play, or we can show our disinterest in certain things and find better alternatives, all whilst maintaining a fun, playful dynamic.

When things aren’t working so well, I’ve found that being very direct and honest is the only way. As soon as I start playing coy, or my inner manipulative-bitch wants to meddle, things can get very uncomfortable. It isn’t always easy to speak candidly, but I do think it’s important. Although, again, this is true with single partners as well, I think it’s more pronounced with three, because as the numbers go up, the complications can get messier. Also, I take great care not to leave anyone out. Whilst sometimes I will have queries which only seem to apply to one half of a couple, I do try to make sure that everyone knows what’s going on. On the other hand, playing with couples, I also assume that what I tell one half will be passed onto the other. Although that may sound like a breach of privacy, it’s actually very comforting to know I’m playing with partners who communicate with each other. I’m also fairly sure that if I told something to any one person in complete confidence it would remain in confidence, provided it wasn’t a matter of going behind someone else’s back. And for the most part, when I have things I need to discuss one-on-one, I try to find other people, as I don’t like the idea of putting one half of a couple in that position.

Overall, and as usual, it is all about respect, communication, and fun. I’d also like to highlight the fact that as a straight girl, there is plenty of fun to be had with the right male-female couples. I am so happy to have all these people in my life. Almost as happy as I am about my exams being over!