opinion

Madison Central $500 student parking fee scheme so idiotic as to defy belief

Madison Central High School and the Madison Central Parent Teacher Organization came up with the biggest, most asinine kick in the teeth, punch in the gut, extended middle finger to taxpayers, parents and students to come down the pike in a long while.

Here's the scheme, which they've sort of amended after outcry from grown-ups with some sense:

Students at this PUBLIC, taxpayer-funded school would have reserved parking spaces based on how much money their parents pay to a PRIVATE organization.

Let that sink in. I'll wait.

First choice of parking spots would go to those who bought a $500 Duke PTO membership, then those who shelled out $250 for an Earl membership ... and so on until midnight on July 18. Then those poor folks whose parents bought only a $40 Baron membership could begin reserving spots in the back lot only. (I made up the duke-baron scale.)

After the July 22 deadline, those cheapskates who only pay $35 for a mandatory parking decal — we'll call them the proletariat — can fend for themselves with leftover parking in the PUBLIC, taxpayer-built parking lot. That way, as these students take a long walk of shame through the parking lot, their peers can know their parents either couldn't afford or refused to pay a higher ransom for what their tax dollars had already paid.

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But after an outcry from the proletariat the Lords of the school, in an act of pure noblesse oblige, ruled that all students of parents who pay to join the PRIVATE PTO, regardless of membership level, will be given first shot at reserving spaces in the PUBLICLY OWNED parking lots. Only those in the proletariat, so poor or out of it they purchased the required $35 parking decal, will be shunned and shamed.

And there was much rejoicing among the lower classes at their benevolence.

"These measures are in place for the safety and security of our students," the school Lords said in a statement.

Yeah, right. And I've got some timber futures I'd like to sell you. I would have gone with an "it's for a good cause" statement. PTOs are a wonderful thing. They do great good, and the funds they raise help schools. But parents should not be forced to pay them to use public property.

Is this even legal — a private organization being allowed to lease out public land to others at a profit? The attorney general's office said it could find no issued legal opinions that covered this. I understand that other public high schools in Mississippi are charging students for parking. That, in itself, seems wrong.

Regardless of legality or constitutionality, I've been trying to picture the PTO meeting at which this was deemed a good idea.

Muffy: "I move we give reserved parking only to those who have country club memberships."

Biff: "We can't do that, Muffy."

Muffy: "OK. I move we reserve parking based on how much they give to the PTO."

Briony: "I second that."

Mary Margaret: "Moved and seconded. All those in favor say aye. The measure passes. I'll inform the school Lords, and the heralds can email the masses. Let's all go to the club."

I know public schools across the state face budget problems. Maybe this is the way to solve them. Here are some other ideas:

Force parents who want their kids in the best teachers' classes to pay a "membership."

Charge more for seating in the front of a class.

Have special, separate restrooms and water fountains for those who can pay up.

Reserve better, more up-to-date books for those who pay.

Heck, take the parking thing a step further. Force the kids whose parents don't pay enough to valet park the cars of the wealthier students.

Bid out the parking scheme. Maybe the Kiwanis or Rotarians or Bandidos motorcycle club could shake more money out of parents than the PTO.

Or, better yet, just let the kids going to the public school park in the danged school parking lot, first come, first served. Their parents and grandparents paid for it.

If you want to reserve a few spots, base that on academic achievement, such as grade point average.