Panic Set to Battle Out West With Other Frontrunner This Summer as Third Party Party Gets Headstart

March 11th, 2016

ATHENS, GA — After a momentous Super Tuesday victory two weeks ago, Panic announced yesterday that they are taking the campaign out West this summer.

“Yes sir, we’re going where the winds blow tall in June and July this year,” said Sunny Ortiz after making the announcement at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “We haven’t been out there since March of 2015, so we're excited to get back out there and establish ourselves as a force to be reckoned with this election.”

Panic is set to host 20 campaign events in 11 states this summer beginning in Rogers, Arkansas on June 17th. Most notable will be a three night rally at the iconic Red Rocks Amphitheater in Morrison, CO beginning on June 24th where the presidential hopeful has packed the house 48 times and will be trying to break 50 that weekend.

“It’s a pretty big deal for us to know we have that kind of support out west. We’re just gonna do what we want and we’re gonna get paid,” commented JoJo Herman when asked what those rallies mean to him. “I mean face it, we’re going up against other campaigns that are run by big corporations and ticket scalpers with deep pockets. Those rallies will definitely give us momentum and financial resources we need to carry our campaign strongly into Idaho, Oregon, and California and ultimately the November election.”

Of course Mr. Herman is referring to the other front runner this campaign season, Phish, who is set to hold rallies at the Gorge Amphitheater, Bill Graham Auditorium, Forum, and Sleep Train Amphitheater in July this summer as well.

“I wouldn’t say I’m worried about them because we’re running two totally different campaigns, but we’ve got to keep them on our radars. They’re been floating in the blimp a lot this campaign, telling voters that Roses Are Free and shit, and the people have been eating it up!” explained Herman. “But don’t worry, things move quickly in politics and we don’t lose our composure in a high speed chase.”

The candidate will also be making their first appearance in Bend, OR over the summer with a two night campaign event at the Les Schwab Amphitheater on July 2nd and 3rd.

"I'm really excited about these Bend shows," revealed young blood Duane Trucks when asked about how he felt about the upcoming campaign stops. "We have a tremendous opportunity to pick up support with voters there after Phish opened their tour there last summer. I think a lot of them are disenfranchised after the Vermont quartet made them sit through some really crappy new songs like Blaze On. Our intelligence on the ground reported that most of the lawn left the theater early during the second set when they ruined a perfectly good Mike's Wedge Groove by busting out Shade > No Man In No Man's Land for the first time right in the middle of it. It was cringeworthy."

All eyes are beginning to look to the West. Third party candidate The String Cheese Incident are making desperate moves to keep their campaign alive and began focusing on California months ahead of the two other front runners. They kicked off their spring campaign season last evening with a rally at the Fox Theater in Oakland, CA where Panic will be July 14th and 15th. They will continue with a few other stops in California and Las Vegas this week before returning to Campaign HQ and rest up for a few but strategically placed stops this summer.

“It’s a little too frigid out in California this time of year for us. I’d much rather be out west in the summer when it’s nice and hot so I can shed my skin,” explained commander in chief John Bell. “I can understand why it wouldn't bother Cheese, being from Colorado and all but I think it’s more of a public relations move for them. I mean, we look good without a shirt on, and I don’t think you can say the same about Billy Nershi and those other ski bums.”

Panic will kick off their Spring Primary Tour in just under a month on April 8th for a three night rally at the Moody Theater in Austin, TX.