“It's nice, but I'm cold. Could do with underfloor heating" - Woman on Market Square ice rink



“I've only met one person in my life that hated me and that's only because I rejected her so she doesn't count.”



"So, what does a seventeen-year-old do?"



Woman: How much is an all day ticket?

Driver: £3.50

Woman: How much is it into town?

Driver: £2

Woman: I've got 11p



“I bought him a load of Spider-Man stuff for Christmas, but his mum doesn't like spiders so I had to take it all back.”



"Apparently the Jobcentre can get you sectioned if you are late."

“I don't care what they say, Jimmy Saville was a hero."



“I'm happy being miserable. If I want to talk to someone I call up the speaking clock."



Punter: Chips and a breadcake, please.

Girl: He wants a cob.



"Me wife is going to sacrifice me!"



“Allow these pigeons man, I’m gonna knock them out.”



Teenage girl 1: (unprompted) I've got a thing for fat boys actually.

Teenage girl 2: What, like, chunkeh?

Teenage girl 1: No, like, fat.

Teenage girl 2: Yeah, mine’s got a little beer belleh. It's so comfortable.

"But I just need to eat more chicken, though."



"Well, if you hadn't run away from the police dog he wouldn't have bitten you."



Boy: Daddy, I've drawn a picture of God on his cloud.

Dad: Do we believe in God, or do we believe in science?



More Overheard in Notts