Well, well, well, if it isn’t our old friend, the Barstool Power Rankings. This week felt like an old school week at Barstool- not a lot of celebrity guests, not a ton of dazzle and dash, just good ol’ fashioned office drama and malarky so I decided to type it all up. This blog is more of a Barstool Superlatives of the Week, because ranking people is a bit washed, and giving out awards is a bit funnier in my opinion. Though to be fair I was just reading a few of the old Power Rankings and they were brutalllll, for example, from an old “Needs Improvement” section,

I don’t think he liked that one.

But anyway, let’s hop into it and get caught up on the week that was:

Beef That Is Getting A Bit Too Real

Trysta vs Daniella seems…very real. Often times at Barstool, especially with the older folks who have been here a while, it’s hard to tell what is real and what is exaggerated. I think that’s the beauty of Barstool, we keep kayfabe alive and sometimes even on the inside we aren’t sure what is what anymore. But this Trysta vs Daniella beef seems very real. It started when Daniella called Trysta out for not working on her 3rd day of work. It continued when Trysta wrote a blog and “accidentally” left Daniella’s phone number in it, giving it out to the world. And now it seems every few days there’s some sort of beef between the two, which might culminate in…Rough N Rowdy?!?

I’ll tell you what, that would be a hellllllll of a headliner. The CEO’s assistant vs the new employee. Not saying it’s going to happen, just saying it’d be a good way to end a beef. Which speaking of…..

WAIT, LATE BREAKING NEWS

THIS LEAGUE!!!!

Old Beef That Will Never Die

Not nice! My friend Smitty has worked very hard on building GameTime only for Czar Portnoy to continually drag it through the mud. Unfair! So Smitty put out the challenge on how to end the beef of all beefs…The 2020 Maddens Respect Bowl

Will Dave be forced to respect Smitty’s life? The stakes have never been higher.

Block Of The Year

The block everyone is talking about. The office has never *Riggs voice* been buzzing more. I’m talking of course about The Steven Cheah 2019 Block of the Year!

And voting is now open.

Only 2 days left, do not let the Cheah Man down.

Unblock of the Year

He served his one day suspension and all is well again. Namaste.

Earned Opportunity of the Week

Real talk, I love Chef Donny. If there is one thing I do not understand, it is why Chef Donny doesn’t have free rein to do whatever he wants around here. We let pretty much anyone who walks in this door to whatever they want, but for some reason he can’t? I will never understand that. Dude is awesome.

He also jumps out of planes on the reg…

If you can buy stock in a guy, get some of Donny while it’s still affordable.

Mantis Update: Homeless

The worst kept secret at Barstool is Mantis lives here. Not like “ha ha Mantis lives here”, like…Peter Cherning pays Mantis’ rent lives here. Well, it turns out the breaking point for evicting him was when he brought a date home while people were working 10 feet away from him, oops.

To Mantis’ point though, there aren’t any bars you can sit at and have a drink in New York City. What else was he going to do? His hands were tied.

Checking In On Jared Carrabis’ Best Friends:

Not great, Bob!

Not a great week to be Jared Carrabis. All his best friends are being caught cheating. He’s running out of moves. But at least he has been vindicated on this front:

His clean wiffle ball record remains in tact.

Huge Guest On Pizza Review Of The Week:

You know who it is…alright, alright alright Frankie….

Wait, were you expecting someone else?

Sober January Update:

I’ve been doing sober January. Haven’t had a sip of alcohol this month. In fact, I started on December 20th (but I drank on December 30th…not NYE, but the night before), so I’ve been sober for 28/29 days now. Pretty wild. Can’t remember the last time I went this long without a drink. Along with alcohol I’ve also been off gluten, dairy, sugar, fried foods, and pretty much anything unhealthy. Been going to the gym 5 days a week. This is a health kick unlike I’ve ever done before. What’s crazy is I wake up in the morning and feel…good. Like, my head doesn’t hurt, my stomach isn’t in shambles, I actually feel like a real person. Now the gym does make me sore, but you can tolerate that type of soreness. Not being sore from excessive drinking and then the fast food, the cheese pizza, and the constant dehydration is quite refreshing.

That all being said, I think I’m going to restore balance to my life and have some drinks tomorrow night. I’ve proven to myself I can do it, I’m in a good groove with fitness and eating, so let’s see if I can drink a few cocktails without going overboard, while still eating decent and working out.

I’ve also been grocery shopping, which is a big change. I shit you not, I ordered in or ate out 90% of meals in 2019. Seriously. I probably went to the grocery store 5 times all year. I know. I KNOW. So I’ve been grocery shopping and cooking chicken/veggies at home for dinner. Still eating out for lunch, I’m not about to pack a brown bag, they pay me decently here, but not spending $30 every night for dinner is a game changer.

New Years resolutions are going fine so far. Gonna mix in some therapy, read a book, try to clean my apartment a little more often, and do things like that. We’ll see how long I can keep this lifestyle up, but so far, so good.

The Best Question At Conor McGregor’s Press Conference Award

GO BOB GO!!!!

Bob and Conor are basically BFFs at this point. I’m rooting hard for Conor because I NEED to see Bob at the after party going nuts at Encore Beach Club. Imagine Bob and Conor spraying champagne in the pool? NEED this. Let’s go Conor.

Needs Improvement:

Uhhh, so you didn’t make the team? What the fuck??? How many more millions of dollars in free ads does someone need to give the XFL until they let you kick for them? For shame. Not for nothing though, PFT got has a leg on him.

I guess that’s where the college nickname “Leg” comes from? Nah, that’s probably not right. Disregard.

Smokeshow of the Week

Hey, his eyes are up there man!

Surprise Of The Week: Dave Hiring Someone His Own Age

Incredible. Usually how it works is if you are under the age of 21, are obese, can’t grow facial hair to save your life, and/or have some sort of deformity, Dave signs you to lifetime contract. I guess he had a stroke though because Jim Florentine is now part of the Pirate Shop. I hope Jim doesn’t expect to hang out with Dave though, as he’s about 35 years too old at this point. Great hire though.

Clem of the Week:

And that was your Clem of the Week.

New Reason To Hate Gaz Of The Day:

Need I say more?

Is KFC back?

Ok so maybe it wasn’t 9,117 words because that would be like 30 double spaced pages, but still, all signs point to yes. (Our new backend counts characters instead of words, and the counter is in the exact same place as the old counter that did words, so it’s easy to see how after 10 years of Kevin staring at the words counter he didn’t realize for some unknown reason it’s now characters. Like, who the fuck needs to know the number of characters typed? The more things change, I tell you what…)

Cracking Aces Story Of The Week:

Cracking Aces is easily the best poker podcast on the internet. I implore you to check it out, especially the latest episode, which is one of my favorites. My cohost, professional poker player Jake Toole, kicked off the show by talking about his 34th place finish in the 2015 Main Event, including his sick bust out hand. That 34th place finish was still good for $212,000, not bad for a few days work. He’s going to final table the Main one year, it’s going to happen.

And that wraps up your weekly Barstool Superlatives. I don’t know if this is going to be weekly or what. We’ll figure that out when we get there. Make sure to rate, download, and leave 5 star reviews, tip your bartenders, treat your fellow humans with love and respect, and have a fantastic weekend.

Xoxo,

Nate