Texts From Hieronymus Bosch

i painted you something

you did?

oh good

I’m glad to hear that you have been keeping busy

do you want to see it

oh

I

what’s the painting of?

just a regular bird

oh okay

I’d like to see that

what do you think

pretty regular huh

oh it’s

see the owl is me

and the egg-beast sprouting nude arms and legs and cherries and genitals, that’s you

so it’s a painting of a bird but it’s also a painting of our friendship

mmm

where do you want me to hang it

mmm

good idea

i’ll surprise you

i made another painting

what’s this one called

“Cutting the Stone”

oh

okay that sounds –

here it is

the stone is inside of his skull and driving him mad

so they have to cut it out of his brain

i see

why is the woman wearing a book on her head, though

well it was either put the book there or give it scissor-feet and show it eating pig-babies in the background

oh

do you think i should have given it scissor-feet?

i’ll repaint it

no

no i think the book looks great where it is

really?

very normal place for a book

what do you think heaven looks like

oh

i don’t know

peaceful, and green, and –

do you think dozens of terrified nudes have to flee inside of an egg to escape the fanged mermaids

i

i’d have to check with a theologian

but i don’t think so

i bet in heaven sometimes people are crushed by a great strawberry

do you think that’s something that happens a lot?

in heaven?

im pretty sure

remember the temptation of st. anthony

sure

what do you think he was tempted by

i feel like you’re not really asking because you want to know what i think

what

i feel like maybe you already have a really specific idea in your head

and you’re just going to wait for me to suggest something and then you’ll yell out the very specific thing you think it was instead

no no i would never do that

i really want your opinion for this painting

okay

well

i think maybe worldly riches

ok

what else

maybe women

and????

i think that’s it

i think those are the only two t–

WHAT ABOUT FISH SOLDIERS

I THINK MAYBE FISH DRESSED UP LIKE SOLDIERS WERE A BIG PROBLEM FOR ST. ANTHONY