FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that “heroic measures” were needed to save the National Rifle Association from financial catastrophe, the N.R.A.’s president, Oliver North, announced plans to sell arms to Iran.

“Iran needs weapons, and, Lord knows, we have a lot of weapons lying around,” North told reporters on Sunday. “This is the definition of a win-win.”

North said that he came up with the idea of selling arms to Iran because “the Iranians were always great to deal with” and “never cared where the money was going to.”

The N.R.A. president said that his next move was to establish new contacts in Iran. “Back in the day, I remember there was an Ayatollah there, but I think it’s a new Ayatollah now,” he said. “I wish I could take a look at my old documents, but I guess I had them shredded.”

North said that, if Iran is not interested in purchasing arms, the cash-strapped organization would resort to other ways of raising funds, such as selling used office furniture or members of Congress.