Boy oh boy has this past several weeks has been interesting.

Got a headache and still have my music drowning me. The music isn’t seeming to bother my headache so I won’t bother it.

You know the song by Lindsay Lohan “Confessions of a Broken Heart” ?

Parts of me can feel the hurt in that song towards my biological father. Other times I hear those words in my own head. That song for one reason or another speaks to me, maybe just because of the subject at hand.

TO DATE (April 9 2015) He still remains in the hospital. Just the day before yesterday he was transferred out of ICU to a regular room but still not the same man he once was. His MRI was unremarkable for evidence of stroke. Doctor stated likely from either alcoholism or the fact that he coded (flat-lined) for two and a half minutes and the lack of oxygen to the brain for that time. Whether he will regain what has been lost or not is not known at this time. He will definitely need therapy. His speech is not very clear but on occasion you can hear a word or two come together. I struggle as to just what role I play in all of this. I mean, yes, I am his daughter, the heir to his throne, his only living child and next of kin (besides my aunt and uncle who are his siblings)…that’s it. Of course there are others on that side of the family but I don’t have contact with them at all. Don’t know even know where they are.

As far as where he will go once discharged is unknown at this point. I know from a physical standpoint I couldn’t take care of him and take care of Dusty too. Especially knowing the condition he is currently in.

You know I have to really thank my mother because as much as she dislikes that man, she has listened and been extremely supportive in this. I am the woman I am today because of her. I just hope to pass that on to Kayla but where their biological is concerned is an entirely different breed, ball game, situation, and human being….I can’t stress that one enough. They are both assholes I admit but its the actions with the assholes that makes them different.

On a different note. Let’s see. Last week I got a deal on a mower. (Or so we thought) So naturally we jumped at the chance. I had to meet my husband in town at the store with our old trailer. It’s an old military trailer a guy made and my husband bought it from him. Dusty and I were to meet him 4:30ish with the trailer so we could get the mower. As we are getting close to the turn/stoplight that I needed to turn into, a local police officer gets behind me. Now, I am not the one who necessarily becomes paranoid but I just had that overwhelming feeling he was going to pull me over. Less than a minute (maybe less) Siren and Lights…on the side of the road I go. Pulling it over the best I could considering I had the trailer and there was a ditch. I just knew it was about the trailer because I wasn’t speeding. Well, sure enough it was the trailer. First off, it doesn’t have lights. It’s a custom trailer the guy made out of an old military vehicle. It was a bright sunny day so I figured since you could see my tail lights I didn’t need to put the magnetic ones on the trailer. I admit I am not the seasoned trailer owner/driver. Hell I can’t even barely back this thing up into the driveway. But I can make it there and back as long as it doesn’t require any hard maneuvering. My hubs would’ve been behind me anyway coming home. Now if we were talking about my best friend, yeah. Honey (husband) hate to say this but I almost think she could drive/park the pants off you but, then again she could drive the pants off a lot of men. She can cut your hair and work on your vehicle among other things. Think that’s why I haven’t had a haircut since they’ve been gone. Me, I still get picked on for an incident when we were in some seriously heavy rain and lots of water on the roads…which by the way I didn’t wreck or any of the sort. I just kinda swerved in the wrong direction. 😉

Our daughter came home to visit for Easter. Only thing, her boyfriend came with her and spent the night too. That was a bit nerve-racking for us but as long as the respect was given we were ok with it. My husband joked with him but really…HE WAS SERIOUS. No threats. Just stated facts. What else would a parent expect? She’s been with him over a year now and even though it seems his mindset of who is allowed to do what in that relationship, is a bit off…it seems to be still surviving. Hopefully she is making it known it goes both ways. If he respects her then he will respect her wishes and realize what he has grown to believe isn’t as respectful as he once thought. Just because his “father” may act a certain way doesn’t necessarily mean it’s respectful. We as parents aren’t always correct and we learn from others what we sometimes later realize it wasn’t the right thing to do. It reminds me of something the preacher friend of some 30+ years of my bio fathers said while we were visiting him in ICU several weeks ago. We were in the ICU waiting room because of the visiting hours. They had a 2 hour window of no visitation and while we were waiting we all sat in the waiting room talking. I don’t recall ever meeting him but I’m pretty sure he knows of me considering my bio father. How my father has retained a preacher as a friend says a lot about the preacher. He did mention while we were in the ICU room that his purpose for his visit was on the side of helping my bio save his soul in the event that he did pass on. He stated he has been trying to help him for years now.

Now. Back to the issues at hand.

As to where we go from here with his situation is still unknown. He is scheduled to have a heart catheterization tomorrow and if need be a stent will be placed. Where he goes for rehabilitation is still unknown. I wouldn’t begin to know where the best place for his to be without speaking to several doctors one of which would be a neurologist as well a psychiatrist because of his state of mind and the fact that he seems to not understand just where he is. He has asked for a “cold beer”, to be able to get into the “Jacuzzi” which was “right over there”. The one familiar thing he has said was that he wanted to watch the news program 60 minutes. He has always watched that show. I remember him appearing on that show many years ago for young entrepreneurs. Plus the fact he was a history major in college. The man there today is not the same man that was there just a month ago. The mention of money hasn’t been uttered. I don’t know if that is a blessing knowing he valued money over his own life. Its been stressed just how far from “the norm” he is right now. Will he return to somewhat of the norm in time? Will he remain this way? Who will care for him? Everything seems to look this way. I don’t know what to do. My heart pulls me one way and my mind another. I want to know in my heart that he is being taken care of and right now I am just not sure. His girlfriend/friend doesn’t know me and I sure as hell don’t know her. She knows about as much as she has been led to believe by anyone that has ever uttered my existence. That could be anyone from my father to my grandmother to my brother and anyone in between. I don’t really care what she personally thinks of me, that’s not my concern. My concern is for her to actually have my fathers best interest at heart. I hear my brother telling me one thing and then I even question his words. What if he was mistaken? My heart doesn’t run on money. My heart runs on blood. I value my life and the lives of my family and friends over money any day of the week, month, or year.

I am honestly in a state of confusion all its own. I feel as if I have been put in this position for some reason and don’t know why.

What would Amy do? What would anyone do in this situation? I am ultimately the only one that can answer that but even I don’t have the answer. The normal pray on it and whatever decision I make I would have to live with the outcome. Yet, it’s not that simple. Someone’s life is at stake. Just like the decision to sign the papers giving my son up for adoption then revoking those same papers a mere 29 days later. I had to make that same decision and live with it. I didn’t know what was in store where Dusty was concerned. I did what I felt was the right thing to do. I am more than happy with that decision because I don’t know what I would be doing right now. I do know I wouldn’t have had my daughter. But the decision is in so many ways the same yet different. I don’t know what’s in store for my father but I do know his current state. I sit here crying my eyes out trying to figure all of this out. I do not want to make the wrong decision but at the same time I have to make the decision on what is in the best interest of my family not just my father.

In the meantime, I will continue to live life, laugh whenever possible, and love the only way I know how.

I truly hope you are able to do the same. Until next time…