Nathan Adlam, and the lesson he learned about how nice guys can finish first.

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Like many high schools in the United States, my school gave out those “star awards” at the end of each senior year.

These awards went out to each guy and girl in the class who were the best looking, the ones with the best smile, the most likely to become president, and so on.

And by some miracle, I won one of those awards.

I won biggest sweetheart.

As I walked to the front of the cafeteria to receive my prize, I couldn’t help but think Oh, come on. Couldn’t I win something cooler than that?

First of all, I must say I was honored that my classmates selected me out of the 150+ other guys out there for the award.

But secondly…. biggest sweetheart?

Really?

That’s what people would remember me as?

As a man, I felt incredibly bittersweet about earning this award, and I hope you can see why.

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No guy grows up wanting to be the world’s biggest sweetheart. For one, it’s a bit emasculating. The biggest sweetheart isn’t the guy who pulls in beautiful women left and right, the one who makes a boatload of money, or the one who commands respect in the boardroom.

Now don’t get me wrong; being sweet is great in certain situations, but as a default mode, it’s not going to make you feel like a man. Being sweet is not sexy.

Throughout my life, I have often struggled with “nice guy syndrome”. I’ve struggled to put my needs ahead of others and dealt with an intense fear of always “getting in the way.”

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Over the last few years, however, I have learned a thing or two on how to balance the characteristics of your kind, cuddly self and your bad-boy, bandana-wearing, motorcycle-riding, take-no-prisoners alter ego, to create the ultimate version of yourself that not only attracts others but inspires and invigorates them.

Let’s dive in.

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Learning how to say “no” is life-changing.

One of the hardest things for a nice guy to do is to learn how to put their needs ahead of someone else’s.

For some nice guys, the feeling of guilt when telling someone no far outweighs the personal gain that one would receive when doing something they really want.

As a result, they boost their short-term self-esteem, but actually end up hurting themselves in the long run. Each time the nice guy does something to gain the approval of someone else while sacrificing their own personal gain, they cement into their brain that they are in fact a nice guy. The more they do it, the more they live out that role.

This psychological phenomenon is called the self-fulfilling prophecy, and it can be a huge influence on your daily behavior. It is this principle that drives you to act a certain way, simply based on what is expected of you by yourself and others. The role you play in the world can be incredibly hard to break out of at times. This is the reason why changing your habits can be so difficult.

What the nice guy must realize is that when he says yes to something he doesn’t want to do, he is saying no to something he wants to do. Gaining the approval of others is temporary. In the end, what does it really get you?

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Women enjoy “nice” behavior from men once they are already attracted to them.

The crazy thing about attraction is that women don’t have to actually “like” the men they are attracted to.

Do you think single women wake up every single day, hoping that some jerk is going to sweep her off her feet and end the night doing horizontal gymnastics at his place?

Absolutely not. But it happens all too often, as many nice guys can attest to.

It’s a known fact that women want to be attracted to nice guys. Biologically, though, this is just not realistic. Being “nice” by itself is never going to turn a woman on.

Women want a man who will take her by the hand and sweep her off her feet. The jerk has no problem doing this.

The nice guy is the type that will ask her permission to sweep her off her feet. In that one moment of hesitation, she will question herself, and he will lose out.

The guy that wins with women is the gentleman who respects her because she is a human being, but doesn’t give her any “extra benefits” just because she is stunningly beautiful or has a bangin’ body.

He doesn’t chase her around like a puppy dog. He doesn’t invest an unnecessary amount into the relationship just because she is beautiful on the outside. He doesn’t assume that he wants to sleep with her just because she’s a bombshell.

The fact that he’s not that into her actually makes her want him more. Women can sense when men have options when it comes to women, and they can smell out desperation from a mile away. Beautiful women are used to getting extra attention from guys their entire lives, and this can be incredibly alienating for them.

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There is a difference between being the likeable guy and the attractive guy

Between being likeable and being attractive, nice guys tend to gravitate towards being likeable. Both personalities have their own pros and cons.

Being likeable means that people feel good about themselves in your presence. Being attractive on the other hand, is when people want you on their team.

Likable guy doesn’t like to raise a fuss. He doesn’t like to piss people off, and he is sensitive to the feelings of others. He is often seen as a people-pleaser. He enjoys flying under the radar and staying out of the spotlight. He feels bashful when given compliments. And more often than not, he finds himself in the friend zone.

Attractive guy doesn’t mind stepping on a few toes every once in awhile. He has some enemies and people that don’t like him, but the people that do like him are really into him. He’s not afraid to speak his mind, and does not seek approval from everyone he comes into contact with. Self-love is not a problem for him.

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Becoming the best version of yourself involves taking some aspects from both likable guy and attractive guy. Blended together, these two form an unstoppable personality of charm. Let’s call him charming guy.

Charming guy knows how to make people feel good about themselves in his presence. He energizes people and makes them feel like they really matter. He’s all about adding value to others’ lives, and if they don’t see that, he doesn’t slow down to explain it to them. He’s got things to do and people to see, and doesn’t put other people’s needs before his mission. He knows he’s awesome and he knows there’s enough awesome to go around.

On the way to becoming his ultimate self, the sweetheart guy is already halfway there.

He just needs to hang out with attractive guy for a while and learn how to incorporate more self-love and confidence into his daily routine.

When sweetheart guy realizes that becoming more attractive is not just about being more selfish, but about sharing more of his value with the world, that is when he will win.

That is when he will become his best self.

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Photo: Juliana Coutinho / flickr