ROME—Complaining that He had better things to do than get up early to contest the “totally bullshit” claims, Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God, reportedly appeared in Roman Municipal Court on Wednesday to face several 2,000-year-old riot charges. “Like, I wasn’t even in Jerusalem during the Cleansing of the Temple, so I have no clue why I’m being accused of all this stuff,” said Christ, who elected to represent Himself in the proceedings, during which He forcefully denied a series of millennia-old allegations including disturbing the peace by overturning the tables of moneylenders, incitement to riot by pouring out their coins, and flouting Roman open-container laws by carrying a chalice of red wine in the streets of Galilee. “I’ve been getting these harassing summons letters every three weeks for, like, thousands of years, but how can you expect me to show up when I haven’t been anywhere near the earthly realm in forever? Well, I’m here now, so maybe when the judge is done with his little power trip, he can show me the slightest bit of evidence that I broke even one single law. This is such blatant fascism, it’s not even funny.” At press time, Christ had begrudgingly agreed to plead guilty to a single misdemeanor charge and pay a fine of 500 Roman denarii.

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