If you’re going to master any concept of psychology, master your understanding of the ego.

Everyone has an ego, and it is easily one of the most important factors that you must consider when you are interacting with someone.

If you ask Mr. Abraham Maslow (and although I don’t think his model is perfect, I definitely agree with this part) after you satisfy your physiologic and security needs, the ego is one of the primary determiners of how you act and see yourself.

And think about this for a moment. No matter what your goal out of an interaction is, which is usually to persuade (whether you realize it or not), you must keep in mind someone’s ego.

Even in “neutral” conversation, the ego must be considered. If you’re having a conversation where you’re talking man-to-man about a given subject, you’re showing respect on some level. Therefore you’re deferring to someone’s ego by not threatening it.

Obviously, if you’re complimenting someone, you’re boosting their ego. If you’re insulting them, you’re attacking their ego.

Again, everyone has an ego. We all want to feel like our ego is either being catered to or at least being respected. It is a crucial element of human interaction.

Frankly, there’s a lot I can say about the ego. I could probably write a damn book on it if I wanted to. However, I don’t want to get all Sigmund Freud on you all; I just want you all to know the importance of the ego and some practical tips to use this element of human nature to your advantage.

So let’s start. A few months back, I made a write-up of a podcast with Naval Ravikant on Farnam Street. I highly recommend you listen to this podcast if you haven’t already! It is absolutely loaded with wisdom and life insight on many important life subjects that you will take with you forever.

Anyway, in this podcast, Naval mentions an incredibly well-stated tip on managing people’s egos. That is:

Praise specifically, criticize generally.

Let’s break this down into two pieces.

Praise Specifically

When you’re praising someone, be very specific about what they do well.

Boost their egos while being very particular and honest about what you like that they do.

And in relationships, tell people what you like about them. I know it sounds like elementary school advice, but I have constantly been amazed by how much a relationship opens up when I specifically tell someone what I appreciate about them.

If your best friend has an awesome demeanor and charisma, tell him that. If you hold the frame well in your relationship, and your girlfriend cooks and fucks well, tell her that.

Try to be specific and unique in your praise; tell them something that they hopefully haven’t heard before and attribute it to their personality, work ethic, or whatever.

Examples, “Dude, you have a ton of charisma. I’ve never seen anybody do some of the shit you do to command attention in a crowd when so few of them actually know you.” Or if you have known him for a long time, compliment him on his trust and loyalty, assuming they’re positive traits of his. The ladder, in particular, is a unique compliment and it will make your friendship develop even further.

Or to your girlfriend, “baby, you take fucking awesome care of me in bed. You take great care of your body and it just shows how much you care about others to make sure you please me.” Again, make sure you hold the frame in your relationship, and an occasional well-delivered compliment like this will be huge.

And for the last point on this tip, note that famous celebrities get a ton of compliments for a lot of things, and most of it is very kiss-assy. They generally get complimented on the things that everyone notices that they do very well. In other words, the exact things that made them celebrities.

But, celebrity or not, even if you praise someone who is used to getting a lot of compliments if you give someone a very specific compliment on they’ve been working hard on, they will be very thankful for your compliment.

In other words, give them a compliment on something they really value that they don’t hear often, if ever.

Get it? Now to the second part of this tip.

Criticise Generally

Particularly in cooperative environments where you have to lay down some criticism, learn to criticise generally.

Do not criticise people’s actions as if they’re ingrained in their personality, even they are. Not if you want to get along with them in the future, or persuade them, that is.

Let’s say you’re working with a chick with an insufferable personality. You know, those types of girls that are split personality, narcissistic, or just plain sarcastic and condescending. I’ve worked in healthcare for most of my 20s, so I can tell you that I’ve met a lot of these.

And let’s say you want to stop her from insulting you or just being up your ass in general. You refuse to lay a serious insult on her in return because you know better. You’ve been charismatic, the day went well, and you eventually catch her in a good moment as a result.

You want to frame her personality in your favor.

When the conversation is flowing, say something like “I respect how you make sure things get done right, and we’ve had some great conversations. When you’re stressed you can come across as condescending, and even though I don’t think you mean it, it can still rub people that way. I simply don’t respond to that. It isn’t personal, I don’t tolerate it when anyone tries to treat me poorly.”

Notice my strategic and politically correct language here. You can say it however the hell you feel like depending on the environment. Just make sure it sounds real, and you’re praising her positive traits while not putting her negative traits in a negative light.

Even if you’re stretching the truth, this is how you give criticism to someone you work with.

This makes her feel good for being on your good side and it specifically frames what, exactly, she does that gets you on your bad side without insulting her ego. With some charisma and general people skills, this is extremely effective. Ignore her or verbally defend yourself when she’s being rude, and make it very clear why you’re doing it.

Again, in a cooperative environment, the absolute worst thing you can do is just call her a rude cunt. Even if she is, don’t do this if you will see her again. She’ll hold it against you forever and it will just cause tons of problems.

This method has worked over 80-90% of the time for me to have women with shitty personalities see me in a much better light. Unfortunately, some have such serious personality disorders or other issues so they will never get it, and some you will get tired of pretending that you like. So there are exceptions, but tricks like this are how I survived a predominantly female workforce for so long.

And don’t get me wrong, most of the girls I’ve worked with were always cool with me, even if they can’t work without jerking off their emotions everywhere. Learning to deal with the cunts is an art form.

Finally, I’ll make one last point. I’ve said this a lot in the past, but if you’re honestly making an attempt to persuade someone, again, don’t criticise them.

Sometimes you’ll notice that they felt criticised for something that wasn’t meant to be an insult. Fragile egos are very common. When I was younger I noticed that my mom always gets insulted any time make any type of minor criticism of her cooking. While I wouldn’t say she has a fragile ego overall, there are certain things that she gets pissed about.

You’ll know you insulted someone’s ego if their tone or behavior changes seemingly out of nowhere. They may start getting defensive or verbally attack you. You can smooth things out a bit by saying things like “No offense, but” or “That is not meant to insult you, I respect X about you, I am merely stating my observation.” Sometimes they’ll still be pissy, and sometimes you’ll get the message. But at least you showed respect for their ego.

So in general, show respect even if you don’t have much respect for how someone formulated an opinion, and you may be able to find common ground for some real persuasion.

Alright, that’s it.

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