VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor. “Got that little fucker,” said the pontiff, who repeatedly stomped on the infernal being until all of the hellish beast’s six legs stopped twitching. “This has got to be the fourth or fifth one this week. If you see one demon, you know there must be a whole den of them around here somewhere. Shit, I shouldn’t have left out those Eucharist.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly applying holy water to relieve the itching from the numerous demon bites he had received from the evil spirit during the night.

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