Many of my girlfriends have asked me the question, “What does it feel like to receive a blowjob?” They tell me that they yearn for a penis just so they can experience it themselves. I, for one, understand this completely. I can’t imagine clocking in countless blowjob hours without a guarantee that you’re going to get yours. I like giving them mostly because I like penis. As a gay man, it’s sort of in my job description. But I’m not sure how pumped I would be if a blowjob wasn’t promised to me in return (unless of course, I loved the dude and we were in a relationship. Then you don’t keep score.)

But even though you should return the favor, it doesn’t mean you’re going to want to, especially if you’re with someone you don’t care about. And that’s okay! Because above all else, giving a blowjob is exhausting. I’m not just saying that to be cute because oh my god, they don’t call it blowJOB for nothing, right?! No. I’m just saying that giving someone a blowjob is an amazing gift. It’s better than paying for dinner at Buca di Beppo, it’s better than filling someone’s gas tank up, it’s better than paying for the movie and popcorn. It’s “Let me move my mouth up and down on something jarring while using both of my hands feverishly. Let me sweat in really unattractive ways and be in a really vulnerable position.” Even though blowjobs are less intimate than something like anal sex, they’re still a sexual act that requires trust and understanding. Like you could be really bad at giving head (it’s really hard) and you want to make sure you’re with someone who won’t judge you. You want to be with someone who’s willing to correct years of bad technique because they care! (Unless it’s a one night stand type of situation. Then there’s no need for the Sting and Trudie Styler kind of communication. Just do your thing, let him do your thing, and get out.)

You know what’s the worst? When you’re giving head and someone pushes your head down further so you choke on their dick. It’s like, “Can you not? I know you want to feel like you have a huge penis right now but it really hurts and makes me feel degraded. So cut it out!” I always get uncomfortable when someone’s going down on me and I look up and they’re staring at me dead in the eye. I know it’s supposed to be sexy or whatever, but it just kind of freaks me out.

Oh, right. I guess I should finally get to the whole “what it feels like to get your dick sucked” part of this article. I’m sorry, I didn’t know I had so many feelings regarding this subject. OK, so getting your dick sucked can feel one of three ways: Amazing, painful or like nothing at all. Seriously. I once was with someone ages ago who would go down on me and it would feel like air. I would have to check to see what he was doing down there because it felt like nothing was happening. In a way, I guess this is a good thing. If someone’s bad at giving head, it’s best that it feels like nothing rather than painful hell. But it still weirded me out. How can you put a mouth on a penis and have nothing happen??!!

The best part of a blowjob for me is not when they’re going down on me, but when they come up for air and start jacking you off. They’ve lubricated your dick so well with their mouth that it’s created a pleasurable waterslide (BTW, too much saliva is a bad thing. I once was with someone who drowned my penis and it made my dick so sensitive that I would have spasms if he touched it. Quell embarrassing!) Anyway, the moment a guy comes up and starts jacking me off, it feels amazing. Kind of like I’m going to pop/explode/whatever. The actual sensation of a mouth on your penis feels exactly like how you would think. However, it’s the mixture of saliva and what you do with your hands that makes it go off the charts.

One thing you should know about how it feels to get your D sucked? It’s a fine line between pleasure and crippling anxiety. As you may know, all men aren’t created equal. Some take 5 minutes to cum (bummer) and some take 30 (exhausting bummer). If a dude is taking too long, it’s kind of crazy how mental he can become. He feels terrible that you’re working so hard and there’s still no orgasm at the end of the blowjob tunnel. Of course this anxiety makes it impossible for him to cum, and then it becomes a blowjob aborted. With most sex stuff, most of it is all mental.

Blowjobs are fun. Blowjobs are stressful. Blowjobs are major work. Blowjobs are the kindest gesture. But they’re really not all that complicated. In fact, I would kill to know what it feels like to get eaten out. Or just what it feels like to have a vagina in general.