AFTER not receiving anywhere near the credit I richly deserved for guiding NSW out of State of Origin oblivion last year, I swore I would never be involved again!

However, after more than “just a little” brown nosing from Laurie Daley and his merry gaggle of goons, which are the NSW coaching staff, I’ve decided to don the ice blue track suit once again.

Here’s a way to save the NSW Titanic from sinking under the weight of Daley’s incompetence.

So with Loz’s rather huge snotbox inserted squarely in my clacker, here’s the low down on both teams.

What do you think?

NSW

Aaron Woods

Looks about as much like a footballer as the down and out alcoholic who’s passed out at the bar at ya local, every lunchtime. But that’s what I like about him, he’s just like the bloke next door, particularly if that bloke next door’s a friendless vagrant!

Robbie Farah

As we know, in Origin camp the captain gets their own room, which was why Laurie Daley made him captain — not because he can lead, but because no one wanted to room with the bloke. About as popular as constipation.

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media_camera Robbie Farah will captain the Blues at Origin I

Josh Dugan

That light going on and off above his head isn’t intelligence, it’s the ‘No Vacancy’ sign for tattoos looking to get a place on Dugan’s body.

Trent Hodkinson

Hodkinson’s selection was met by scenes of wild jubilation … in Queensland. Trent’s selection shows that Laurie’s lost none of that crazy sense of humour he’s famous for.

Mitchell Pearce

When Pearce was selected, social media exploded with outrage and vitriolic disgust, and that was just from his father Wayne! When I asked Mitchell how he handles all the criticism, he told me he simply doesn’t read it. So I went to the trouble yesterday of reading it all and passing it on to him!

media_camera David Klemmer passes during NSW Blues Origin training session at the Pacific Bay Resort, Coffs Harbour. Picture Gregg Porteous

Trent Merrin

Against all odds and reason, continues to date Sally Fitzgibbons. Sally’s concerned friends have tried everything from introducing her to male models, to getting her eyes tested. But luckily for Trent, she just has low standards.

Boyd Cordner

Has that famous Roger Ramjet chin. But unlike Roger, hasn’t done anything remotely brave in the last five years.

David Klemmer

Has a university degree in psychology, which isn’t helpful because it made him realise what a lunatic he is. Went to the premiere of Russell Crowe’s The Water Diviner, and described it as the best comedy he’s seen in years!

Andrew Fifita

Was almost left out of the Blues side due to concerns about his attitude. But after City camp, Brad Fittler told Daley his attitude was perfect for the NSW culture — he drank relentlessly, his personal hygiene was disgusting and manners non-existent.

media_camera Fifita plays the day his baby is due media_camera Pearce during warm up for the NSW

Beau Scott

My favourite player! Tough and mean. Little-known fun fact is that Scott is not his real surname, for some reason he changed it from Milat, just before his first grade debut.

James Tamou

Officially the biggest head in rugby league. That mammoth cranium looks like an Egyptian Pharaoh’s melon. Gets irritated that every time he walks into a bank, the teller asks him to remove his helmet.

Ryan Hoffman

Terrific footballer, but what a rough head! At the recent Sydney Royal Easter Show he went into the haunted house and came out with an application form.

Josh Morris

Has had more X-rays than tries in the last two years, which when you think about it, means he’s rarely been injured. Wrote his name into Origin folklore last year by pretending to be injured and running down Greg Inglis. Genius!

Daniel Tupou

Laurie has told Daniel, “Just go out and play like you do for the Roosters every week”. So we can expect him to drop most passes that come his way and generally look lost in defence!

Michael Jennings

Has looked far happier since he moved from Penrith to the Roosters. I suppose so would anyone if you were being paid twice as much!

Will Hopoate

Son of Reggie’s all-time favourite player, John Hopoate. After doing a two-year Mormon mission serving God, surely William deserved better from the Lord than being sent to the Parramatta Eels!

media_camera Will Hopoate at NSW training

Josh Jackson

Action Jackson isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the Blues shed. Last week he visited the bank and while in there an elderly man with poor eyesight asked Josh to check his balance, so he pushed him over!

QUEENSLAND

Billy Slater

Starting to resemble the woman formerly known as Bruce Jenner. Does about as much whingeing as well. Wears strapping around his knee to keep his heart in place!

Cooper Cronk

What a pain! If ever I’ve met a bloke who needs a drink and a lie down, it’s Cooper Cronk. Described as “The thinker in the Queensland team”. But let’s face it, in Queensland if you can spell your own name you’re classed as a genius!

Cameron Smith

Can someone please explain to me why this grubby old dirtbag is still playing rugby league? This wrinkly old fool needs shortening up and I reckon Beau Milat is the man to do it. By full-time he’ll be finally applying for an invalid pension.

media_camera Billy Slater during the Queensland Origin team's Captains run

Corey Parker

I can’t believe they selected this grey-headed goose. So old he only gets interchanged so they can change his adult nappy.

Justin Hodges

Another one of “Dad’s Army’’. Justin’s so old, while in camp last week he walked into a Brisbane antique store and they tried to buy him

Aidan Guerra

Sydney Roosters player of Italian heritage, which means, watch him take dives and if his side is losing at half time, he’ll try and change sides!

Matt Gillett

Hasn’t this fella got a hooter on him! It’s like an anteater on steroids. His nose is so big he can smoke a cigar in the shower.

media_camera Cameron Smith will captain the Maroons

Jacob Lillyman

Amazing stamina for a bloke so fat. He was recently made captain for the Warriors game against the Sharks. He’s so fat at the pre-game coin toss, he had to take the ref’s word that it was heads!!

Will Chambers

I don’t know what this bloke’s trying to achieve with that haircut. It looks like a possum has taken nest on his head and given birth. “Hey Will, Daniel Boone wants his hat back!”

Sam Thaiday

Sam’s been picked once again for his ability to race third man in and cheap shot NSW players, with hits to the back of the head. When the going gets tough he retreats faster than the Iraqi army!

Greg Inglis

I don’t know what the big deal is about this bloke. So slow, last year, even Josh Morris ran him down … with a busted knee. Pathetic!

media_camera Greg Inglis has recovered from tonsillitis media_camera Aidan Guerra during team training

Johnathan Thurston

Just like last year JT will be targeted and hammered by Beau Milat. I’m looking forward to him doing that silly laugh as he walks around ANZ Stadium at full-time collecting his teeth.

Matt Scott

An inspiration! Shows that even if you’re fat, slow and have absolutely no skill, you can still somehow make it in rugby league.

Nate Myles

The only Maroons player who can compete with James Tamou in head size. Channel 9 have had to purchase wide lens cameras for when Myles and Tamou come together. Recently won first prize at a fancy dress party for his incredible impersonation of an Oompa Loompa. Unfortunately he was only there to just pick up a friend.

media_camera Nate Myles the only Maroons player who can compete with James Tamou in head size ...

Michael Morgan

So dumb he goes by the nickname “The Four Seasons Baghdad” because he’s constantly vacant. He cried in Dumb and Dumber too and recently asked a team mate if Wolverine was a true story!

Josh Maguire

Speaking of stupidity, poor old Josh is as clever as a sack full of hammers. This bloke is so dumb, blondes tell Josh Maguire jokes. “Hey, how many Josh Maguires does it take to change a lightbulb?”

Darius Boyd

Great to see Darius with a smile on his dial these days. People always ask him why he was so grumpy? Well wouldn’t you be if you were coached by Mr Laugh-a-minute, Wayne Bennett, your whole career?