Nigel Farage probably busy being a twat somewhere

Nigel Farage, the sometime leader of red-faced dreadful man party UKIP, is probably being a twat somewhere, it has emerged.

Having been several days since he was last able to stand in front of a camera and spill out whatever hate-filled, bile-strewn nonsense that has just popped into his head, his whereabouts and activities are currently unknown.

“No, while we’re not exactly sure where he is or what he’s up to, we can be reasonably confident that he’s being a twat somewhere,” said political commentator Simon Williams.

“It might be that he’s currently in European Parliament embarrassing Great Britain with heartfelt casual racism before enjoying a taxpayer-funded meal at one of Brussels’ finest restaurants.

“It might be that he’s in Washington standing quite close to Donald Trump and thinking that he’s all that.

“It might be he’s being interviewed and telling America that it’s the Jews they really need to be scared of.

“Or it might be that he’s quietly lying on his sofa at home, watching a Colombo repeat and peacefully thinking his racist thoughts.

“We really don’t know. The only thing that we can be sure of is that wherever he is, he’s being a twat.”

However, some experts believe that rather than being a twat, Mr Farage is actually being a prick.

“Yes, I’d accept that. He could well be being a prick. Or a shit, or even a total bastard. Certainly one of those options will be the case.

“I suppose we’ll find out soon enough when he pops up again, and we can all return to our default state of being faintly embarrassed to share the same air as Nigel Farage.”