You will probably find the title absurd and unrealistic. And you would have been right in any other part of the world, but absurd and unrealistic are the middle names of Indian politics. The question is not who would be the head of the state of our country, but rather who can be the best footman to the big daddies and mommies (or behenjis, didis and ammas) of the squeaky clean white collar establishment. So any one who’s someone in politics is raising up his/her moronic head and looking for a personal candidate to secure the coveted position, and having one’s footman sitting at the P-spot definitely calls for a no holds barred, mud, chappal, juta, chair flinging contest, and that is exactly what we have got.

After all we have always known that the president is only the rubber stamp, not at all functional, just a senile old guy sitting placidly with a smug smile, and feeding on us, not quite unlike all the other politicians (in fact now that I am writing this I realize just how aptly the description would also fit Mr. Mannu, currently in the service of Madamjee). It leaves one wondering if the parliament is just an archived collection of rubber stamps of various shapes and sizes, no brains (and no hair too). Anyhow, so if you want to grab this attractive position of being an ass-licking sycophant to one of these bigwigs, so that he can give you a shoulder up in the presidential race, you must know the eligibility criteria.

1. You should be in the last leg of your life, bent shoulders, bent head, wrinkled face et al. That gives you the required countenance, of a helpless, docile, and imbecile being. Our erstwhile President, Mrs.P, could give you a cue.

2. While no minimum education is required (you are only required to put your stamp after all), having spent some quality time behind the bars could be an added advantage, as then you would be like bum chums with the parliament gang, and could win them over easily. Although this method has never been tried or used before, but we feel it will be a game changer in the coming days.

3. You need to know the weakness of the people whose support you seek. Examples:

For Madamjee, image is very important. You could be an accountant of a bankrupt bank, constantly levying heavy taxes on the already poverty ridden customers, but you should have a neat image, impressive clothes, an educated look, and chubby cheeks.

For Didi, you should be an SRK fan. Now you might ask what didi has got to do with SRK? But he once won a gulli danda match for her, and her treat has been pending. Though you only stand a chance if SRK himself is not interested in the P-spot.

4. You can put your Caste certificate, which you have been using all you life, to yet another exercise. Who will not want a OBC or SC, ST president? It will only show India’s greatness and it’s willingness to accept people from all walks of society. Think about it. On a similar note, we have a guy who knows where and how you can get a fake जाति प्रमाण पत्र (Caste certificate). We can get you a sweet deal.

5. You need to tell your supporters and superiors about your penchant for going on foreign tours on public money. The bigger your cavalcade, the better your impression will be amongst them. So make sure that you take your Chacha, tau, mama, bubli aunty, sharma uncle, doodh wala bhaiya etc. wherever you go after you get that chair.

And so on. So all the best for your presidential run, and please while you are busy giving foot massage to your favourite politico, don’t forget us.

[P.S- We treat Dr. Kalam as an exception]