There are so many cool artifacts from the AD&D Dungeon Master’s Guide and it was incredibly difficult to pick. But let’s start here, with Lum the Mad. The cool thing about the artifacts in AD&D is that since the game was in its infancy, Gygax and crew could make up whatever they wanted with whatever background they felt like, and the Machine of Mad the Lum is a great example of that… as well as being one of our favorites.

Upon first reading the description of this artifact, you can picture a big organ like musical device, but realize that wasn’t what they were describing at all. Remember, this was 1979. I think it was based more on the first giant computers, with a large phone booth attached to it for people to stand in. Looking at it with today’s eyes, I envision some sort of crazy steampunk machine, or a mini version of the TARDIS from Doctor Who.

However you picture it, this machine must be huge. It has a ridiculous number of levers, dials and switches and, as stated, is stupid heavy. To put into perspective, that is approximately the same weight as your average Large Truck or SUV. So how the hell do you move this thing? Going through the AD&D spell list isn’t much help. You can’t levitate it (100 lbs per wizard level), and even if you could, you couldn’t push it. You can’t teleport it, since that spell also has a weight limit you’d never reach (250 lbs + 150 lbs for each level over 10th). It’s a nope on any of the Bigby’s hand spells in AD&D too.

Even making friends with a giant to have them help you move it wouldn’t work, although you could get 3 of them to help you but… giants aren’t know for their delicate nature, and as described above, it breaks easily. I guess you could cast wish and have it transported to a location… and that seems like the only real way to do it without risking the machine.

The list of powers that the Machine has are quite extensive, and the DM had even more options available to him considering there are 48,000 combinations you could come up with based on the number of levels, dials, and switches. The DMG says that only about half of them work, but that’s sill 24,000 combinations.

A number that big makes my head hurt, so lets just go with the 70 the DMG lists. You and three of your closest friends stand in the “phone booth”, while someone outside starts flipping switches. The right combination of switches and levers may bestow upon them great powers, or can screw you over. Hopefully you have a manual on which dials to turn or you could end up losing all interest in sex (Minor Malevolent Effect H, pg. 162 Dungeon Master’s Guide).

So now what. You just found this insanely powerful artifact and you can’t carry it, move it or doing anything really, just use it in the location that it’s in. Here’s the scenario we think makes sense if you were to use this artifact in game. Remember that AD&D was a much different game than the current 5th edition. Most classes capped out at 11th level and it was incredibly hard to get there. Starting around 7th level, players weren’t just wandering around looking for monsters to kill. For many, it was time for you to get a castle, hire some henchmen and wage war on your neighbors. You have heard that a neighboring castle has this magical machine that bestows upon its warriors amazing powers. Time to storm a castle folks! Sure, it will be hard because the machine is there, but we have faith in you!

The Teeth of Dahlver-Nor

If any cleric was more powerful than the re-nowned Dahlver-Nor, histories do not tell us. The gods themselves gave special powers to him, and these have passed on to others by means of the great relics of Dahlver-Nor, his teeth. Each of the Teeth has some power, and if one character manages to gain a full quarter, half, or all of them, other grand benefits accrue. In order to gain the power of one of these teeth, however, the character must place it into his or her mouth, where it will graft itself in the place of a like missing tooth. The teeth can never be removed once so emplaced short of the demise of the possessor. Their powers/effects are: way too many to list!

This artifact could be the driving source behind someone creating the most epic easter egg hunt campaign ever. There are a total of 32 teeth that you can find with each tooth a power associated to it. They are as follows:

21 Minor Benign Powers

4 Major Benign Powers

4 Minor Malevolent Powers

3 Major Malevolent Powers

But you also get additional powers based on the number or sets of teeth you are able to find:

1-8 teeth - 1 Major Benign Power & 1 Side Effect

9-16 teeth - 1 Major Benign Power & 1 Major Malevolent Power

14-24 teeth - 1 Major Benign Power & 1 Minor Malevolent Power

25-32 teeth - 1 Major Benign Power & 1 Minor Malevolent Power

And just a bit more:

1-16 teeth - 1 Prime Power

17-31 teeth - 1 Prime Power

All 32 teeth - 1 Prime Power

All the powers are cumulative. That means if you find all the teeth you can have up to 43 powers! You could create one epic quest to find all 32 teeth, either fighting through hordes of ever more dangerous monsters, and/or have the party fight one superhero BBEG for the final tooth, the one that allows the possessor to cast wish once per day (Prime Power KK, pg. 164 Dungeon Master’s Guide). I’m going to have to talk to Stephen about this. If he ever finishes his Archipelago Island Adventure, this could be the Dump Stat opus.

Now, I will address the elephant in the room… It’s a little gross that to be able to use the tooth, the character must remove a similar tooth, and insert the new tooth into their mouth. But powerful magic sometimes comes with horrible dental hygiene. I’d be more than willing to stick some 1,000 year old guys tooth in my mouth if it gave me the ability to cast Meteor Swarm once a day.

Destroying an AD&D Artifact

Listed in the AD&D Dungeon Master’s Guide on page 163 are ways to destroy an Artifact or Relic. They are as follows:

1. Melt it down in the fiery furnace, pit, mountain, forge, crucible or kiln in which it was created. 2. Drop it into or bury it beneath (1) the Well of Time, (2) the Abyss, (3) the Earth Wound, (4) Adonais' Deep, (5) the Spring of Eternity, (6) Marion's Trench, (7) the Living Stone, (8) Mountain of Thunder, (9) 100 adult red dragon skulls, (10) the Tree of the Universe. 3. Cause it to be devoured by (1) Cerebus, (2) a Lernaean Hydra, (3) a Titan, (4) an ancient Dragon Turtle. 4. Cause it to be broken against/by or crushed by (1) Talos a triple iron golem, (2) the Gates of Hell, (3) the Cornerstone of the World, (4)Artur's Dolmen, (5) the Juggernaut of the Endless Labyrinth, (6) the heel of a god, (7) the Clashing Rocks, (8) the foot of a humble ant. 5. Expose it to the penetrating light and flame of (1) the Ray of Eternal Shrinking, (2) the Sun, (3) Truth: that which is pure will become Light, that which is impure will surely wither. 6. Cause it to be steeped in either the encephalic fluids of the brain of Bahamut (the platinum dragon), or in the black and foul blood from the heart of Tiamat the Chromatic Dragon. 7. Cause it to be seared by the odious flames of Geryon's destroyed soul or disintegrated in the putrid ichor of Juiblex's deliquescing flesh. 8. Sprinkle it with/baptize it in the (1) Well of Life, (2) River Styx, (3) River of Flame, (4) River Lethe (the river of forgetfulness).

Not sure why’d you want to destroy your new Artifact, but those are the ways you can do it. I don’t care how bad the Malevolent Powers or Side Effects are. Reading through this list, it doesn’t seem worth trying any of them. I mean really, are you going to walk up to Tiamat and explain to the most powerful dragon in D&D lore, that sorry, but you have to kill her cause you need the blood from her heart? I’m sure that will go over well… though I’d love to see my party’s face when they take their new artifact on a picnic and an ant steps on it!

Artifacts in 2e

Codex of the Infinite Planes