It should go without saying that you shouldn’t fight. Fighting is bad and it usually solves nothing. Even hockey’s mostly figured that out by now. That disclaimer out there though ... today there was a really good baseball fight. The bottom of the third inning in Colorado was fun as heck because there was some baseball men punchin’ each other.

If you found your way to this post, you probably already saw the multiple-minute long brawl between the Rockies and Padres from Wednesday afternoon’s game but if not here’s the full video to catch you up. Or watch again if you want to relive it in all its glory.

Benches clear, punches thrown in Padres-Rockies game with Nolan Arenado and Luis Perdomo in the center of it. pic.twitter.com/6cItcDc8Td — MLB (@MLB) April 11, 2018

It was the first bench-clearing brawl of the season and it was a fabulous debut for one of the best spontaneous baseball things. The tension had been simmering for a few games with multiple batters hit, and after it was all said and done five players were ejected from the game: Nolan Arenado, AJ Ellis, Luis Perdomo, German Marquez, and Gerardo Parra.

Some of them will probably be missing a game or few pending suspensions but we’re here to break down all the winners and losers from the fight.

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Winners

Nolan Arenado

Sure he got beaned, but he also started this whole thing which is mostly a win. His mound-charging form was expert. The punches he threw didn’t quite connect but they looked convincing and his positioning was solid. He was dodging and dipping any and all attacks that came his way after everyone from both rosters got involved, and he didn’t back down once everyone was separated. The post-fight chirping is some of the sneaky best part of any fight and he contributed well.

Nolan Arenado’s hair

Nolan Arenado’s hair looked amazing during this fight. Both during, when he was screaming his face off and dodging punches, and after when he was angrily stalking the dugout once things had calmed down a little. Arenado’s flow during this fight was basically sponsored content Garnier Fructisse and whichever local barber he uses.

Gerardo Parra

Gerardo Parra’s hair deserves a mention too but it’s not fight-specific so that’s just so you make sure to appreciate it from now on. Parra is a fight-specific winner specifically because of the way he entered the fight, namely via half-jump/half-piggyback ride on one of his teammates. You can see the weird piggy back situation at the end of this gif.

I can't stop watching Gerardo Parra riding his teammate into battle like a war rhino. pic.twitter.com/2CwsdfNkBf — Grant Brisbee (@GrantBrisbee) April 11, 2018

He also landed a punch right to A.J. Ellis’s face, so he definitely deserves the suspension coming his way.

Ian Desmond, Carlos Gonzalez, Eric Hosmer

There was a lot of cross-franchise calming down in this brawl. Even if you don’t count the soon-to-come Mark McGwire moment, Eric Hosmer stepped in to help Carlos Gonzalez calm down Nolan Arenado near the end of the fight and Ian Desmond did yeoman’s work by wrapping himself around A.J. Ellis and preventing him destroying Parra’s face in revenge.

With a lot of close relationships across these two teams it’s nice to see friends working together instead of ruining relationships, so good teamwork everyone. Those group texts are going to be on fire later tonight.

Luis Perdomo

Even though it completely missed Arenado (and Arenado nearly jumped into it regardless!) the glove throw was impressive.

Just as I thought, Luis Perdomo is still struggling with his command. pic.twitter.com/nNXLul0Lsq — Pitcher List (@PitcherList) April 11, 2018

A straight line, lots of velocity, well-aimed enough to distract Arenado for a quick second. You’re probably never going to stop anyone charging at you by throwing a leather glove at them from 15 feet away — he had about as much chance of affecting the actually Rocky Mountains as he did someone in a Rockies jersey — but it’s a fair strategy in the moment. The only goal is not to embarrass yourself with the throw itself and he mostly avoided that outcome.

The Coaches

Around the 1:00 mark in the video above you can see the coaches and umpires finally making some headway getting people back to their respective corners. Mark McGwire, now the Padres Bench Coach, took it upon himself to try and handle Arenado and hair anger. McGwire does a good job for a while, getting in Arenado’s face and trying to talk some sense into him.

Eventually it proves to not be enough as Parra starts things up again and Marquez gets more involved in the fracas as well. Here’s the question though: when do you think was the last time Mark McGwire felt this alive? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Before he retired? He’s all in on this fight and the rush that comes with it.

Losers

The Rockies

Well Nolan Arenado is going to miss some games thanks to the multiple punches he threw at Padres players and all the screaming he was doing. Which is not great, considering he’s [checks] definitely the Rockies’ best player right now. The Rockies and Rockies fans: definite losers here. At least the fans got to see a good fight go down.

Injuries

From what’s been reported, there were no injuries in this fight. So a bad day for injuries. Which is good for everyone else, which means this is a backdoor winner.