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“They added ‘Maybe’ for people like me,” he said.

“Those who feel obligated to go but don’t want to go. For those who ultimately won’t end up going but don’t want to appear to be rude – or slam the door shut if we have a change of heart,”

“But right now, I’d rather have another cup of ceiling white. So ‘maybe’ it is.”

Speaking to our reporter as he worked his way through a modest pot of Dulux One-Coat Ceiling White, Marcus Spehn said he was invited to a mate’s 30th next month but he doesn’t really feel like going.

The 34-year-old confirmed that he was good-enough-friends with the man, it’s just that he’d rather drink paint than go out and socialise.

“I know if I said I was going to go, I’d flake out at the last minute and swing by my local Mitre 10 and pick up a nice tin of varnish for the evening or something,” he said.

“And saying ‘Not Attending’ right out of the gates is a bit mean. Especially when you don’t have a reason,”

“It’s hard to keep up with the Jones when you’re addicted to drinking paint. I was I never had my first schooner or marine-grade wet grip. I’ll quit one day.”

More to come.

