Energy drinks are the jivest things on Earth. Just drinking one of them automatically suggests you are weak. Because you are basically telling everyone in the world, “Life is too hard for me. I just can’t make it through a day without feeling sleepy. So because I need help, I’ve decided to drink two or three cans of a fruity, carbonated beverage every day.” I mean come on, seriously, is your life so goddamn tiring that you need to drink a 20 oz. Monster just so you can function as a normal human being? Really? Now, I’m not saying that these energy drinks don’t work. They do, sometimes all too well. There is truth to the advertising of energy drinks. I once drank a can of Rock Star and had to snort some blow just to level off. I’m not arguing their effectiveness. I’m arguing that drinking them all the time makes you an addict. And if you’re going to be addicted to something, you might as well be addicted to something cool…like heroin. Parts of the problem with energy drinks are the names. These companies try so hard to be “cutting edge” and “in your face” with their brands.

“Amp”, “Rage”, “Wired”, “Edge”, “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt” (okay, this one sounds cool and I would drink it regularly out of sheer admiration for Mr. Seagal’s work in “Above the Law”). I get it. Your beverage is hardcore. Good for you. Why not tell the truth and call your energy drink, “Shitty Tasting Beverage For Assholes To Hype Them Up And Make Them Even More Of An Asshole”. Because here’s the thing: being tired is a part of life. It’s called being an adult. Life only gets harder as you get older, and no amount of Red Bull is going to make it any better. And the last thing you want is to be in your thirties, running around all jacked up on Vamp NRG. That’s just sad. So the next time you find that living on this planet is too taxing for you, do what real men do: go to the bathroom, jerk off, and get on with your day.