Having finally come up with a website domain that hasn’t already been bought by someone else, Hannah Tamaki,wife of Bishop Brian, has today gleefully announced the launch of her Coalition NZ Party website.

After officially launching the party in May of this year in what surely must have been an impulsive decision brought on by a few too many glasses of bubbly with now Campaign Manager Jevan and his mates from the Parnell clubbing scene, it has taken a couple of months for the aspiring political trough-drinkers to navigate the complex process of loading a free website template on WordPress and adding a few sentences and pictures of themselves to it.

Perhaps understandably given what we’re dealing with here, the party is yet to come up with a coherent outline of its policy positions, preferring instead to drip feed their ever-changing positions across numerous media channels. This impressive strategy means Hannah doesn’t really have to worry about knowing what she stands for because she can just make it up on the spot to suit whoever she’s talking to. Genius!

In the interests of helping her to pick a bloody side and stick with it, the Waterton Chronicle has decided to lend a helping hand. We’ve spent a few minutes coming up with the following comprehensive breakdown of what we think might be Coalition NZ’s policies based on the morsels of pure comedy gold the Tamakis have been dropping all over the internet over the last few months..

Economy/Tax:

Coalition NZ is strongly against paying tax of any form and believes in a ‘bottoms up’ economic approach where the best way to generate wealth is to have lots of other people throw cash at you in small untraceable denominations. Once you have the cash, it’s usually a good idea to convert it into expensive champagne and Harley Davidsons to make it easier to manage.

Law & Order:

Coalition NZ strongly supports upgrading every prison cell in NZ to a standard that at least meets the conditions and sophisticated refinement of the five-star resorts Hannah and Brian stay at on their annual holidays in the south of France. Each apartment will be fitted with a spa bath, 50* LED 4K TV, Netflix, Spark Sports and Sky TV subscriptions, minibar, and of course their choice of either Xbox One or PlayStation 4 to ensure that our prisoners are treated with the most basic levels of humanity and dignity.

Coalition NZ also supports the right to ignore private property laws and encourages people to take things that don’t belong to them if that’s what they’re into.

LGBTQI

Coalition NZ no longer says in public that homosexual people caused the Christchurch earthquakes and has recently adopted a policy along the lines of “we’ll pretend it’s not happening if it means we get more votes”.

Abortion:

Coalition NZ is completely against abortion in all cases on the basis it is “un-Christian”. Oddly the party also supports the death penalty for convicted paedophiles, which seems to be a bit of a departure from Christian teachings.

When this reporter contacted the Tamakis for comment, Hannah said she was just “enjoying a few cheeky glasses of bubbly with a girlfriend” and indicated she would call back.

More to come.

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