WASHINGTON—Challenging American citizens to band together, rise up, and break out of their “mind prisons,” mohawked former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Thursday warned that U.S. democracy was being threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man. “These totalitarian autocrats are coming to fuck you, man,” said Tillerson, pausing briefly to strike a match off his teeth, light a hand-rolled cigarette, and mutter that the goddamn fat cats love seeing all us hamsters spin in our little wheels to power their trip. “You all need to stop being fucking sheep and see the world for what it is, man. It’s past fucking time we went out and dragged these corporatist parasites kicking and screaming through the streets—and if anybody disagrees, I’ve got two middle fingers for them right here.” Tillerson responded to a follow-up question concerning his relationship with Donald Trump by saying “here’s how I feel about that piece of shit,” flipping over the lectern, and kicking Breitbart correspondent Charlie Spiering in the crotch.

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