Women may be known as the fairer sex, but men still do their fair share of ridiculous surgeries, tight clothing buying and dimple surgeries in an effort to not look like a four foot tall troll. And while there are some enhancements that are important for medical reasons, there are more that just all about vanity.

Here are nine sneaky things guys do to improve their looks.

Butt Lifters

Is your butt not rock hard? Invest in butt lifter boxers, and just WATCH those quarters bounce off, rather than lodging themselves inside it. As it says on this Amazon listing, the underwear may “add up to 1 inch on your butt measurements.” That must have been the worst R&D assignment ever.

Dimpleplasty

If you’re one of the poor, sad adult men who no longer look like a tow-headed moppet due to your lack of dimples you’re in luck! Try dimpleplasty, and with one small incision in each of your cheeks, you’ll look like a hideous parody of a cartoon child!

Shoe Lifts

You could carry a small box around with you everywhere, or with a simple insert in your shoe, you’ll instantly grow one or two inches taller. Shoe lifts -- because you want to be exactly like Tom Cruise.

Spray on Hair

Let’s face facts: men go bald. And when we do, we try as hard as we can to pretend our hair is as lustrous, long, and beautiful as before. The best - and by best, we mean worst - method by far is spray-on hair, which is the equivalent of rubbing tar on your head. Hey, at least you won’t be embarrassingly bald, right? Just, kind of flammable.

Ab Etching

Getting a six pack is hard! Why not just have a surgeon do it for you? For only a few thousand bucks, you can have a doctor suck out the fat around your abs for a look that will sure turn some heads at the beach... Because you’ll look like a reject from 300.

Pectoral Implants

What’s worse than pec tattoos? How about implants? Unlike the soft, cushy implants women get, pectoral implants are hard – like men! Because what we men need is a way to make our boobs bigger.

Crotch Padding

Size doesn’t matter, right? Except it totally does, and that’s why any man worth his salt needs padding in their crotch to make their package look hideously large. Anyway, it’s a too bad socks don’t exist and aren’t readily available, or otherwise you wouldn’t have to spend money on this idiotic product.

ManSpanx

Oh, good. The notorious “body-shaping” underwear is now available for men. You can snag a “Cotton Compression Undershirt for only $58, and get a six-pack and hard pecs right now! The only concession? Being able to breathe. But then, women have been going without that silly little respiration thing for centuries.

Chin Cleft Surgery

What takes our number one spot? Why, non-reversible plastic surgery that makes you look like a rejected, swelling Superman of course. Yes, there’s surgery that can remove that pesky chin cleft. But if your life-long dream is to look like a cartoon fighter pilot, all you need is two implants on either side of the bottom of your face. And Bruce Campbell makes it look so easy!

Alex Zalben is a freelance writer and comedian living in New York. He’s written for MTV Geek, AMC, Nerve, UGO and more, as well as the original Marvel Comics’ series ‘Thor and the Warriors Four’. You can follow him on Twitter at @azalben.