The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. –Peter de Vries (1910-1993).

Premarital counseling with couples has taught me a lot about why some marriages don’t work. Most issues begin when one person is unbendable. These people have other attributes that seem to correlate highly with their inflexibility. They are usually hot headed, want things their own way, and demand respect (although they aren’t usually good at showing others respect). The person who is going to marry them usually sees these flaws as attributes or signs of strength. I think I understand that; just as we all admire an oak tree that has grown tall and wide in girth, fewer of us admire the bendable, durable willow tree. Marriages have a better chance of survival if both people keep the willow tree in mind during arguments.

Marriage is in the news right now. The focus is on gender, instead of what marriage really means. Everyone, including the politicians and religious leaders, would help to create stronger families if we focused on the meaning of marriage and how it has changed in the United States. Many weddings are becoming expensive and superficial among people. Marriage no longer means forever; it usually means “until I grow tired of you.” Family pets are divided up like furniture, children are used as pawns, and everyone is losing. Many couples who have come from terrible divorces within their family of origin are terrified to marry and decide living together is a better option so they move in together. They also decide to have children in these relationships, but they forget that many times the longer you live with someone the more you have to work with them to make it last. When they are no longer “happy” (this usually means they didn’t get their own way) they split. The kids loose a daddy or mommy and then either mommy or daddy becomes a single parent. They have only one person’s verbal agreement for support as there was never a legal commitment. Once again, the child’s security of a family is gone.

As a psychotherapist, I can honestly tell you couples who get married are not prepared. They jump from telling their friends about the engagement to walking down the aisle in the most expensive dress they can afford, the biggest creamiest wedding cake, and a wedding dance that costs more than my car. Where is the discussion of who will do what, how do you act when you fight, how will we negotiate when we disagree, do you want children, and how close are you to your parents? Sometimes if the engagement is long enough or if the couple has had experience with being in a long term relationship, they are able to work through these issues. Often this is not how it is, and the couple hasn’t had modeling from successful relationships in their own family. When these couples face problems, they do what was taught to them before. They withdraw, fight, and engage in an affair or leave. They end the marriage as it is no longer the bliss they once expected it to be. There are usually children’s lives involved in these splits and then we have another generation of divorced kids who never witnessed healthy marriages.

There are things we can do right now which will help save the next generation from divorce and unhealthy marriages.

1. We need to counsel couples prior to marriage. We need to help them see that acting like an oak tree will cause disharmony in their relationship. We have to teach them that marriage is a give and take relationship and being flexible is the key.

2. We need to make it tougher for all people to get married. If they want to walk down the aisle in holy matrimony, let’s help them be wiser in their choices of partners.

3. We need more mentors for healthy relationships and marriages. Watch TV and you will be dissatisfied in your relationship. TV marriages aren’t real, and they make relationships look like all that matters is sex. Which came first? These shows or the marriages we now have?

4. Living together may be fine, but don’t marry or have kids with the person you live with. It is one of the factors that helps predict divorce. You cannot fight these statistics no matter what you say; living together is nothing like being married to someone.

5. We need to teach couples getting married that how their partner looks is going to change. That their being cute may be important now, but within a year you will value more their respect for others, their caring of you, and their ability to put their ego aside.

We all have oak and willow tree tendencies within us. During fights, it is likely that one of us has more oak coming forward—inflexible, strong in belief, and sometime self righteous. One of the pearls I have learned through my own marriage, as well as others, is that during fights negotiating, bending, and understanding works best. Think of the willow. –Mary Jo Rapini

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