It was Boris Johnson’s first major House of Commons moment since his stunning election victory and, in fairness, he didn’t put a foot wrong.

He didn’t put a foot right either, of course. He didn’t put any kind of foot at all. He didn’t even so much as put a foot through the door of the chamber.

The assassination of a key Iranian leader by a cavalier US president, putting UK forces stationed overseas in direct danger, is the sort of thing you imagine might push the winner of a stunning general election result to the dispatch box, not the loser.

But – and this really won’t surprise you – you would imagine wrong. Boris Johnson was nowhere to be seen.

It was, in its way, a shrewd move. The last time he answered questions on Iran, he accidentally extended the jail term of a British woman wrongly incarcerated there. And he was only foreign secretary then. Now things were really serious.

Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Show all 24 1 /24 Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Iranian mourners gather around a vehicle carrying the coffin of top general Qasem Soleimani during the final stage of funeral processions, in his hometown Kerman. Soleimani was killed outside Baghdad airport in a drone strike ordered by US President Donald Trump, ratcheting up tensions with Iran which has vowed "severe revenge" AFP via Getty Images Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Iranian people carry a coffin of Iranian Major-General Qassem Soleimani during a funeral procession in Tehran Official Khamenei website via Reuters Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions The assassination of the 62-year-old heightened international concern about a new war in the volatile, oil-rich Middle East and rattled financial markets AFP via Getty Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Iranian people attend a funeral procession and burial for Iranian Major-General Qassem Soleimani, head of the elite Quds Force, who was killed in an air strike at Baghdad airport, at his hometown in Kerman, Iran January 7, 2020. Mehdi Bolourian/Fars News Agency/WANA (West Asia News Agency) via REUTERS ATTENTION EDITORS - THIS IMAGE HAS BEEN SUPPLIED BY A THIRD PARTY WANA NEWS AGENCY West Asia News Agency via Reuters Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Mourners packed the streets of Tehran for ceremonies to pay homage to Soleimani, who spearheaded Iran's Middle East operations as commander of the Revolutionary Guards' Quds Force and was killed in a US drone strike on January 3 Iranian Supreme Leader's Office/EPA Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Iranian mourners gather around a vehicle carrying the coffin of slain top general Qasem Soleimani during the final stage of funeral processions, in his hometown Kerman on January 7, 2020. - Soleimani was killed outside Baghdad airport Friday in a drone strike ordered by US President Donald Trump, ratcheting up tensions with arch-enemy Iran which has vowed "severe revenge". The assassination of the 62-year-old heightened international concern about a new war in the volatile, oil-rich Middle East and rattled financial markets. (Photo by ATTA KENARE / AFP) (Photo by ATTA KENARE/AFP via Getty Images) ATTA KENARE AFP via Getty Images Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Iranians set a US and an Israeli flag on fire during the funeral procession AFP via Getty Images Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, centre, with Parliament Speaker Ali Larijani, second left, and President Hassan Rouhani, third left, standing next to him as he leads a prayer over the caskets of Iranian military commander Qasem Soleimani and Iraqi paramilitary chief Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis at Tehran University Khamenei.IR/AFP via Getty Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Mourners attend a funeral ceremony for Iranian Gen. Qassem Soleimani and his comrades, who were killed in Iraq in a U.S. drone strike on Friday, in the city of Kerman, Iran, Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2020. The leader of Iran's Revolutionary Guard threatened on Tuesday to "set ablaze" places supported by the United States over the killing of a top Iranian general in a U.S. airstrike last week, sparking cries from the crowd of supporters of "Death to Israel!" (Erfan Kouchari/Tasnim News Agency via AP) Erfan Kouchari AP Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, left, openly weeps as he leads a prayer over the coffin of Qassem Soleimani AP Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Mourners holding posters of Qassem Soleimani AP Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Coffins of Soleimani and others who were killed in Iraq by a US drone strike, are carried on a truck surrounded by mourners during a funeral procession, at the Enqelab-e-Eslami (Islamic Revolution) square AP Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions An Iranian mourner holds a placard AFP via Getty Images Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Downtown Tehran was brought to a standstill as mourners flooded the Iranian capital Khamenei.IR/AFP via Getty Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Former Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps chief Mohamad Ali Jafari prays on the coffins of Qasem Soleimani and of other victims during their funeral ceremony EPA Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Iranian mourners gather during the final stage of funeral processions for slain top general Qasem Soleimani, in his hometown Kerman on January 7, 2020. - Soleimani was killed outside Baghdad airport on January 3 in a drone strike ordered by US President Donald Trump, ratcheting up tensions with arch-enemy Iran which has vowed "severe revenge". The assassination of the 62-year-old heightened international concern about a new war in the volatile, oil-rich Middle East and rattled financial markets. (Photo by ATTA KENARE / AFP) (Photo by ATTA KENARE/AFP via Getty Images) ATTA KENARE AFP via Getty Images Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran epa08107653 Iranians attend the funeral ceremony of slain Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) Lieutenant general and commander of the Quds Force Qasem Soleimani and of other victims in Tehran, Iran, 06 January 2020. Soleimani was killed in a targeted US airstrike on 03 January 2020 in Baghdad, Iraq. EPA/ABEDIN TAHERKENAREH ABEDIN TAHERKENAREH EPA Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran epa08107308 A handout photo made available by Iranian Supreme Leader's Office shows Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (C) praying before the coffins of slain Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) Lieutenant general and commander of the Quds Force Qasem Soleimani and of other victims as Iranian President Hassan Rouhani (C-L) and other top officials attend the funeral ceremony in Tehran, Iran, 06 January 2020. Soleimani was killed in a targeted US airstrike on 03 January 2020 in Baghdad, Iraq. EPA/IRAN'S SUPREME LEADER OFFICE HANDOUT HANDOUT EDITORIAL USE ONLY/NO SALES IRAN'S SUPREME LEADER OFFICE HANDOUT EPA Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Women hold pictures of Iranian Major-General Qassem Soleimani, head of the elite Quds Force, who was killed in an air strike at Baghdad airport, during a funeral procession and burial at his hometown in Kerman, Iran January 7, 2020. Mehdi Bolourian/Fars News Agency/WANA (West Asia News Agency) via REUTERS ATTENTION EDITORS - THIS IMAGE HAS BEEN SUPPLIED BY A THIRD PARTY WANA NEWS AGENCY West Asia News Agency via Reuters Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran Iranian people gather during a funeral for Iranian Major-General Qassem Soleimani, head of the elite Quds Force, and Iraqi militia commander Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis, who were killed in an air strike at Baghdad airport, in Tehran, Iran January 6, 2020. Official Khamenei website/Handout via REUTERS ATTENTION EDITORS - THIS IMAGE WAS PROVIDED BY A THIRD PARTY. NO RESALES. NO ARCHIVES Official Khamenei website Official Khamenei website via Reuters Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Iranian mourners gather during the final stage of funeral processions for slain top general Qasem Soleimani, in his hometown Kerman on January 7, 2020. - Soleimani was killed outside Baghdad airport on January 3 in a drone strike ordered by US President Donald Trump, ratcheting up tensions with arch-enemy Iran which has vowed "severe revenge". The assassination of the 62-year-old heightened international concern about a new war in the volatile, oil-rich Middle East and rattled financial markets. (Photo by ATTA KENARE / AFP) (Photo by ATTA KENARE/AFP via Getty Images) ATTA KENARE AFP via Getty Images Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Kerman - Final stage of funeral processions Men hold pictures of Iranian Major-General Qassem Soleimani, head of the elite Quds Force, who was killed in an air strike at Baghdad airport, during a funeral procession and burial at his hometown in Kerman, Iran January 7, 2020. Mehdi Bolourian/Fars News Agency/WANA (West Asia News Agency) via REUTERS ATTENTION EDITORS - THIS IMAGE HAS BEEN SUPPLIED BY A THIRD PARTY WANA NEWS AGENCY West Asia News Agency via Reuters Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran This Monday, Jan. 6, 2020 satellite photo from Maxar Technologies shows Enghelab Square in Tehran, Iran, amid a mass processional for Iranian Gen. Qassem Soleimani, who was killed in a U.S. airstrike in Baghdad. The funeral for Soleimani drew a crowd said by police to be in the millions in the Iranian capital, filling thoroughfares and side streets as far as the eye could see. Although there was no independent estimate, aerial footage and Associated Press journalists suggested a turnout of at least 1 million. (Satellite image Â©2020 Maxar Technologies via AP) Satellite image Maxar Technologies/AP Qassem Soleimani: Mourners fill Iran streets for funeral Tehran epa08107478 Iranians attend the funeral ceremony of slain Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) Lieutenant general and commander of the Quds Force Qasem Soleimani and of other victims in Tehran, Iran, 06 January 2020. Soleimani was killed in a targeted US airstrike on 03 January 2020 in Baghdad, Iraq. EPA/ABEDIN TAHERKENAREH ABEDIN TAHERKENAREH EPA

And serious times, even Boris Johnson knows, are not the times for Boris Johnson. Now would not be the time for loltastic banter, like his previous material about dead bodies on beaches. Now would be the time for somebody else. And that somebody else was the defence secretary Ben Wallace.

Ben Wallace, after all, is a safe pair of hands. Admittedly, it was the same Ben Wallace who accidentally admitted on camera last August that parliament had, very obviously, been prorogued to try and force through no-deal Brexit, which was not the government’s official position at the time.

(Its official position at the time was to lie about its official position, as the Supreme Court ultimately found. Unfortunately, for Ben Wallace he was caught on camera not lying, which, when you’re working for Boris Johnson, is very much a no-no, so don’t expect him to keep his job come the reshuffle next month.)

But Mr Wallace ranks higher on the Safe Pair of Hands Scale than his predecessor, Gavin Williamson, who was sacked because he was deemed to be a danger to national security. Mr Williamson became, along with Priti Patel, one of only two government ministers to be sacked for being a danger to national security and then return to the cabinet within a year. What times.

Anyway. We digress. Ben Wallace did a sort-of-passable job at explaining away the impossible position into which Donald Trump has forced us, of admitting that he was both right and wrong to have assassinated the Iranian general Qassem Soleimani.

That they had every right to assassinate him, but they maybe shouldn’t have assassinated him, but that now they had assassinated him, the right thing to do would be to “de-escalate” the situation, all the while sounding never more like Sick Boy in the Trainspotting pub scene, quietly telling Begbie to “leave it”, but crucially after, not before, he has glassed the man who accidentally spilt his pint.

Jeremy Corbyn was there, obviously. If the Iran situation does escalate to nuclear conflict, who of us can say with any certainty that Mr Corbyn will not survive it? The world’s most pious cockroach, creeping into the noontime darkness to reassert his moral superiority?

In theory, he will cease to be Labour leader in April of this year, but – just as Hugh Grant ponders in About a Boy the certain fact that soon, the mad woman and her weird son will stop standing round the piano singing Killing Me Softly and he will be able to go home – it has begun to stop feeling like such a thing can ever possibly happen.

There he was again, not listening to a word that has been said, insisting that all avenues should return to his solitary sound bite about a “Trump trade deal”.

This was embarrassing enough during an election campaign which he had not, at that point, lost by miles. That it is all he can come out with after Sedgefield, Blythe Valley, Don Valley, Wakefield and God only knows I could go on all voted Tory for the first time since people used to tweet pictures of woolly mammoths at polling stations, is truly the measure of the man.