It’s a shame that we have only a few more weeks to enjoy the national press’ fawning coverage of Democratic Senate candidate Beto O’Rourke. I’m not sure I want to live in a world where newsrooms aren’t publishing 2,000- to 4,000-plus-word articles every other week explaining how the “ Kennedyesque” Texas candidate's “ energy” has Democrats hoping he’s the “ next Obama.”

The Beto puff piece is the hot new thing in this industry, and I don’t ever want it to end. So, to keep this trend going, I’ve cobbled together a guide so anyone can write their own Beto profile ( also, check out the one the Washington Free Beacon published last month). Let's flood the market. You don’t have to be employed by the New York Times or Esquire magazine to do it. All you need is the candidate’s name and a few choice themes. Just remember these Dos and Don'ts:

Dos:

Talk about his energy!



New York Times: “He has a restless energy”

BuzzFeed: “O’Rourke’s energy is palpable, infectious”

Politico: "The early morning runs help O’Rourke ... project youth and energy"

Texas Monthly: "O’Rourke felt a kind of restless energy"

Talk about driving!



BuzzFeed: “O’Rourke prides himself on how much of the driving he’s done during this trip across the state”

Town and Country: “He jumped back into the white Dodge Grand Caravan, driving it himself”

Time magazine: “On a dusty road in southwestern Texas, Beto O’Rourke leans out the window of the Ford Expedition he’s driving and mutters, ‘You gonna let me pass you, state police?'"

New York Times: He has driven “tens of thousands of miles, fueled by bad coffee and Hostess cupcakes that supporters bring him ... Driving with his left forearm and right elbow on the steering wheel”

Politico: "He asked an aide to lay down a towel on the driver’s seat of his Dodge Caravan, the model he rents whenever he is campaigning."

Mention he speaks Spanish!



New York Times: “[H]e is speaking Spanish — which he does, fluently.”

Time: “O’Rourke ... spends several hours a week practicing his Spanish.”

BuzzFeed: “O’Rourke speaks fluent Spanish, and regularly dots his speeches with Spanish phrases”

Politico: “A fluent Spanish speaker”

Texas Monthly: He speaks fluent Spanish

Talk about his sweat!



Town and Country: "As he stood on one porch, a prospective voter seemed to notice the sweat accumulating on his face and throughout his shirt, so she offered him a popsicle.”

Politico: "Sweat pours off his lean, 6-foot-4-inch frame"

BuzzFeed: "Beto O’Rourke is a prolific, prodigious sweater. We’re talking shirt-soaking, chin-dripping sweat, most visible as he takes questions from the audiences that have gathered to see him across Texas."

My goodness is he charismatic!



Time: “The Congressman is lanky, handsome and charismatic”

Texas Monthly: "[I]t’s O’Rourke’s charisma that sells his pitch"

Politico: "He is his own strategist, and his strategy is simple: campaign relentlessly, project vitality and hope his raw charisma combines in just the right proportion with anti-Cruz animus"

Everyone loves an underdog!



New York Times: "[T]he long-shot is going it alone."

Town and Country: "He's a Kennedyesque longshot"

Politico: "This, in short, is how O’Rourke plans to pull off his long-shot bid to take away Cruz’s Senate seat: by outhustling his opponent."

Texas Monthly: "The El Paso congressman is waging a long-shot campaign to prove a Democrat can win in Texas."

BuzzFeed: "In that way, he’s not unlike another young, first-time, long-shot Senate candidate who grabbed the national imagination a decade ago."

Don'ts:

Do not under any circumstance mention his 1998 high-speed drunken car accident, including the part where witnesses said he crashed his car into oncoming traffic and endangered others' lives — as he now admits. Especially do not mention that the police report includes testimony from witnesses who claim he attempted to flee the scene of the crime. And don't mention that he managed to get off Scot free, probably because by some miracle no one was killed and even more likely because of his family's political connections.

Speaking of Kennedy-esque.

So there you have it. Arrange any of the above Dos in any order you prefer, insert a few polling details, and bingo! You’re now the proud father of a genuine Beto O'Rourke puff piece.