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“I’m getting sick of my friend claiming he’s bisexual when he only goes to gay bars. At best, it’s wishful thinking; at worst it’s internal homophobia. How do I get him to admit he’s gay?”

Hey Mike!

I have a friend who insists he’s bisexual, but I’ve never seen him with a woman. I’ve certainly seen him with plenty of guys, though.

Don’t you think he’s a little delusional when he describes himself as “bisexual?” At best, it’s wishful thinking; at worst it’s internal homophobia.

I’m getting sick of my friend claiming he’s bisexual when he only goes to gay bars. How do I get him to admit he’s gay?

–Tired of hearing it

Dear Tired:

Most people think we fall into three categories: Gay, Straight or Lying. In all probability, your friend is the third of the three. There are bisexual men, but very few.

Research backs me up on this. Several studies have shown that male bisexuality, if it exists at all, is very rare. In the latest research, scientists put penis sensors on gay, straight and bisexual men and gauged the differences in their arousal when they watched straight porn versus gay porn.

Guess what happened? The gay guys were aroused by gay porn but not straight porn. The hetero guys were aroused by straight porn but not gay porn. The guys who self-identified as “bisexual?” They were exclusively aroused by one or the other, usually by gay porn.

This latest study is the largest of several reports with the same results. Research on sexual orientation has almost always been based on self-reporting. That’s why the average penis size in Kinsey’s studies is about six inches while the latest studies show it’s closer to five.

Why the difference? Kinsey asked the men to measure themselves and report the results. Later studies had a third party do the measuring. No, it wasn’t me, though believe me, I tried. Let’s face it, men lie. They lie about their penis size, and they lie about who they like to screw.

Now, before I get hate mail from the three genuinely bisexual men in America, I don’t think having sex with women makes you bisexual anymore than a straight guy having sex with another man makes him gay.

Of course gay men can fuck a woman. All we have to do is think about her brother. And of course straight men can get it up for a gay man. All they have to do is think about his sister.

I remember watching a porn video being shot where these two hot guys were getting fucked so hard the cameraman was bouncing on the floor. The director says to me, “You know the guys getting fucked are straight, right?”

I scoffed. Come on, I thought, their dicks were hard and they were getting pounded into ground beef. The director takes my arm, moves me across the room and points to the videos the guys were watching as they were getting screwed. It was straight porn.

So, no, just because you can get it up for a wide variety of species doesn’t make you bisexual. It makes you a dildo. For me, the true “definition” of an orientation isn’t who you shag but who you’re in love with. You can fake shagging; you can’t fake the racing pulse, the obsessive thinking and the overwhelming desire to connect emotionally, physically, romantically and spiritually with another man.

So if you want your friend to stop talking about bisexuality, then buy a penis sensor and show him different kinds of porn. His mind may be in denial but his body ain’t.

Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner,” and “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”needwood@mac.com” title=”send it in”}.