Every Thursday myself and 3 other comics run a comedy show called The Comedy Attic at The Raven Lounge in Philadelphia. Every week I receive 1 to 8 calls from aspiring comics requesting information. Sounds normal right? Trust me, the majority of these calls are anything but normal. Below are actual conversations I’ve had with actual human beings.

ME: Hello

CALLER: Hi, is this the Comedy Attic?

ME: No, but I’m one of the hosts at the show, so I can help you

CALLER: Ok great, I wanted to find out what time you start, and how long I get.

ME: Ok, our sign up sheet is out at 8:30 and we start around 9, each comic gets 5 minutes, the show is on 17th and Samson at The Raven Lounge

CALLER: Oh? Why so short? Is there a lot of people there?

ME: Short? 5 minutes is pretty much the standard for open mics

CALLER: Really? Cause I’m in South Jersey and the one mic I’ve been going too gives 7 to 10 minutes

ME: Oh wow, that’s a lot for an open mic, yea in Philly 5 is pretty much all you’ll get

CALLER: Ok, I play guitar too, so maybe I’ll bring it

ME: Do you do musical comedy?

CALLER: Nah, mostly original music, some covers

ME: Wait? Are you a musician or comic?

CALLER: Both

ME: Ok, well our show is just comedy, that’s why we call it The Comedy Attic

CALLER: Got ya, if I bring my guitar can I plug into your pa system?

ME: Ummm, possibly, so you DO play musical comedy?

CALLER: I mean I can, what are you thinking?

ME: What?

CALLER: I mean what do you think will go over well with the crowd there?

ME: Hold up, let me put this together, you’re a comedian, and a musician separately, but you CAN play comedy songs, and you’re asking me what comedy song will go over well with our crowd?

CALLER: Basically

ME: Right, well that’s up to you man, but it’s gotta be comedy, no music

CALLER: I have a few ideas, so I’ll come up a little early and run through them with you

ME: Ummm what?

CALLER: What time do you usually get there? I’m about 45 minutes out

ME: Wow, Aghhh about 7:30

CALLER: Awesome, ok I’ll get there around then, what’s your name bro?

ME: Matt McCusker

CALLER: Awesome thanks Matt

ME: No problem, you’ll probably go on around 1:30

CALLER: What?

ME: (click)