I am a lawyer, not a scientist, and I have no authority to speak on the science of kratom. But I know what it has done for my life, and I have seen what it has done for hundreds of others.

That is why I am compelled to publicly “come out” today as a regular kratom consumer.

I am doing this both in defense of a plant which I have come to believe may yet hold enormous unexplored potential for humanity, and in recognition that I have the luxury of being able to do so from a position of enormous privilege. I am successfully self-employed, and have already established myself in a professional career which will not be much affected by admitting that my life has been significantly improved by a plant which might be illegal in the United States by the time you are reading this.

Like most kratom users, I do not consume this plant for fun, or a “high.” (There is much more fun, and far better highs, to be had in other more readily-available substances — licit and otherwise.)

While it has many possible applications, I have simply found kratom to be a superior alternative to anything which I might otherwise be prescribed for my once-crippling social anxiety.

Social anxiety has dominated my personal and professional lives for as long as I can remember. It is not “shyness,” or necessarily even an indicator of introversion. It is a very specific reaction to social stimuli. For me, it manifests — reliably, almost every time — either in loud, crowded rooms or at any time in which people (especially strangers) are raising their voices in my direction. My heart races, my voice doesn’t work, and my flight instincts take over. Even after ten years as a practicing attorney, it can still strike anytime there are other people around, for nearly any reason.

It’s the unpredictability of it all that gets me more than anything.

I learned in college that a couple of drinks went a long way toward helping me to feel more like myself in situations that might otherwise trigger anxiety. And while I continue to enjoy drinking socially, I spent the next fifteen years trying to find something which would help me to have that feeling of comfort and openness without the familiar impairment or potential for abuse. (And, while I recognize that this is an arbitrary line in the sand, I was intent on overcoming anxiety without prescription pharmaceuticals. I have just never trusted them to give me that freedom without taking from the things that I like best about myself.)

My most significant breakthrough came after law school after several months of counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety & Related Disorders. I can’t thank CARD’s team enough for what I learned there, and the permanent change in my perspective that I was left with.

Even with the progress I made with CBT at CARD, they joined my doctor in recommending prescription medication to control my anxiety.

I declined. I have always liked myself too much the way that I am to risk forming a chemical dependency on something which might change my personality.

I spent the next eleven years after my formal diagnosis dedicating myself to a legal career, and the balance of that time building the solo law practice (now a three-attorney firm) which I still run today. On paper, my day-to-day sounds like a social anxiety nightmare: regular court appearances, lengthy client meetings, managing staff and attorneys, and spending far more time than I would prefer on the phone with strangers. And it can be, even for as much as I have learned to manage and mitigate the worst of it while getting results for hundreds of clients.

I experienced a day of unusually high anxiety near the end of last summer which felt like such a defeat that it almost had me reconsidering the possibility of asking my doctor about a prescription. I discovered kratom during some desperate late-night Googling and started reading up on it from as many different sources and viewpoints as I could find. My first order arrived a few days later, and it has been a regular part of my life since then.

Kratom is not a “cure” or a “treatment” for my anxiety. It does not make me feel like a different person. It simply puts me in the right state of mind to work through my anxiety without impairing my mind, body, or judgment.

For the first time in my life, I have been able to start conversations with strangers in public. I have not only sincerely enjoyed going to large parties, but found myself not wanting to leave. I have made sustained, steady eye contact with other humans while also effortlessly keeping a conversation going with them. It’s not always perfect, but I have found a mental space in which I can thrive in settings and situations in which I would have previously risked total mental shutdown.