Lorde was also taken to task for her poor choice of words. Credit:Bevan Read It's true that Hale's career has, since she was 15, been built on the adoration of teenage girls. It's also true that she has 18.4 million followers on her Instagram account. It's fair to say that a lot of young women have their eyes on her. But Hale didn't rise to fame because she was overweight – her success is due in part to her looks. Her anorexia did not occur in a vacuum; Hale was already famous when she decided to go "days without eating." Her comment about her appearance might not be "role model material", especially considering the fact that in the photo the actress did not appear overweight. But it's a telling comment about, not just the ongoing struggle of mental illness, but the pressure put on young women to look a certain way. As if this were not challenging enough, Hale is then policed for how she speaks by the very same people who are meant to idolise her.

In her Instagram bio, Hale says she's a lover of fries. Nobody took her to task over that. In her memoir, Hunger, Roxane Gay writes that she was a teenager at boarding school when she first understood that "weight loss, thinness, really, was social currency" – something that could garner her popularity and approval from other girls. I have to wonder, then, if the problem of body dysmorphia should rest on Hale's slender shoulders. Meanwhile, singer Lorde was also taken to task on social media this week for comparing her friendship with Taylor Swift to "having a friend with an autoimmune disease." It was an attempt to illustrate the limitations of fame and, taken in its full context, it's not hard to see that Lorde was aiming to convey the cultural allergens a young superstar must avoid in order to survive. Lorde – who is 20 years old– received so much blowback she apologised unreservedly on Twitter. But, speaking as a person who suffers from an autoimmune disease (one that is not life-threatening, but still painful and incurable) I have to say, I was not offended by her comment. Not in the least.

Why are we demanding every word that falls out of the mouths of young female celebrities be perfectly polished anyway? I also suffer from epilepsy and when social media erupts over Lorde's dancing, comparing it again and again to "convulsions" and "seizures", I get it. I think the metaphor is an accurate one. It's even – wait for it – funny! We've lived with social media long enough now to understand that nothing generates more heat than group shaming. It's an easy and reflexive way to feel sanctimonious. Who doesn't want the rush of endorphins that accompanies a public "Gotcha"? Especially when you can say it to a celebrity? But at this particular moment in our culture, when the leader of the free world can dismiss – via social media – anything he doesn't like as "fake news"; when male celebrities like John Mayer, Kanye West and Justin Bieber can go on faux pas benders for weeks, even years, before an explanation, much less an apology offered; insisting on apologies from young women for their personal opinions is a clear double standard. Why are we demanding every word that falls out of the mouths of young female celebrities be perfectly polished anyway?

Could it be because we know that it's easier to get an apology out of women than it is men? Numerous studies have shown that women apologise more than men, apparently because "women have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behaviour." What this means, in plain terms, is that women are more worried about upsetting people than men are. If shaming a woman over her appearance is going to cause too much outcry these days, and telling her to "pipe down" is seen for the transparent misogynist wish fulfilment it is, then what's left to make a woman sorry? How about the small stuff? Loading How about not feeling good about yourself? How about not choosing words perfectly? And all in the name of being a good (even feminist) role model?

We need to stop pretending we are standing up for the marginalised when the truth is, we've turned the shaming of young women into a darkly gratifying sport.