AS YOU probably know, I was very keen that Britain should remain in the EU and very worried when I woke on that fateful Friday morning to find that we had voted to leave.

In fact, I’ve spent the last two weeks wailing and gnashing my teeth in despair. But on Wednesday night, I bumped into a friend of mine who makes snazzy handbags and she said: “Look. We are where we are. And if we all sit around moaning, we will talk ourselves into a recession.”

7 The other May and Hammond... good news for Jezza because it means he can spend the next few years making jokes about 'how they are slow and useless' Credit: Getty / Rex Features

It’s a good point. And if I’m honest, so far, only good things have happened since we decided as a country that we’d like to go it alone. First of all, David Cameron has gone. This means that when I bump into him at the pub — we are neighbours — he won’t be forced to have one sip of sherry and then go home at 9.30pm because he’s the prime minister.

I always hated it when he did that. Because it usually meant his wife Samantha went home as well.

7 We're going down the pub... Jeremy's new neighbours Dave and Sam Credit: Rex Features

He and George Osborne have now been replaced with May and Hammond which is good news too, because it means I can spend the next few years making jokes about how they are slow and useless. And lost.

Best of all, though, we have Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary. And this is a man who once said Putin looked like Dobby the house elf.

It gets better, because he also claimed that Hillary Clinton was “like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital”.

And these are the people with whom he must now do business. Hysterical.

7 Boris Johnson's diplomacy... previous outings include suggesting a resemblance between Vladimir Putin and Dobby the House Elf Credit: EPA / ALEXEY NIKOLSKY / SPUTNIK / KREMLIN POOL

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But by far and away the best aspect of the Brexit vote is the effect it’s had on the Labour Party.

Its leader, who is called Jeremy Corbyn, now has the support of about no one in the House of Commons but he is refusing to step down because he was voted into power by about a billion placard-waving student activist lunatics who think he’s a god. This means there is a full-on war between Labour’s MPs and its voters.

Bricks have been thrown, spittle has been exchanged and rising up from the carnage is deeply unpleasant moderate Angela Eagle who, staggeringly, is the only Labour MP less likely to win a general election than the man she’s trying to oust.

And now, we hear that another Labour moderate who represents no one at all, is going to put his name forward as well, which makes Corby’s re-election even more of a certainty.

7 Leadership battle... Jeremy Corbyn and Angela Eagle - staggeringly, the only Labour MP less likely to win a general election than the man she’s trying to oust Credit: Getty

Sheep are better organised than this lot. Seriously, you could fill the Labour benches with geese and they’d be a more effective opposition.

This means May and Hammond can do pretty much whatever they like for the next few years.

Which, knowing them, will mean they’ll sit about all day reading about old motorcycles and discussing their leather trousers. Meanwhile, you and I will continue to get up in the morning, go to work, earn money, spend it on stuff and then go to sleep.

And that’s the thing. Brexit has given us all a good laugh but ultimately, and thanks entirely to actual people and not politicians, we are all going to be fine.

WE’VE done it hundreds of times. It should be easy. I should be relaxed. But tomorrow, in a field just outside Johannesburg, James May, Richard Hammond and I will record the first studio segment for our new show, the Grand Tour. And I don’t mind telling you. I’m crapping myself.

Game of phones

7 Carry on munching... luvvies need to remember theatre is for everyone Credit: HBO

A LUVVIE whose name I can’t be bothered to remember said this week that West End theatre audiences have lost the ability to sit still during the play.

He says that in a recent performance of Doctor Faustus (me neither), which stars the chap who plays Jon Snow in Game Of Thrones, people chatted, munched noisily on sweets and took pictures on their mobile phones.

And?

Casting Jon Snow in a play is going to bring in people who wouldn’t ordinarily go to the theatre. That’s a good thing.

And it’s a good thing too if they have a fun time.

DISABLED ATTACKS A DISGRACE FIGURES just out show that hate crimes against disabled people have risen sharply in the last year. I find this surprising. Because who wakes up in a morning and thinks: “I know, I’ll go into town this morning, find someone in a wheelchair and push them into the canal”.

I don’t condone it, obviously, but I accept that there are religious nuts who have a beef with gay people and that there are morons who can form a dislike of a person because of the colour of their skin.

But why would anyone hate someone because they are disabled in some way?

All hate crimes are evil. But this one, I dunno, it makes my blood boil.

Wolf's a howler

7 Whistle case... offenders behind bars Credit: Scope Features

NOTTINGHAMSHIRE Police have decided to classify a wolf whistle as a hate crime.

So if you’re in the county and you want to let a woman know that you find her attractive, don’t. Or you will end up in prison.

We're on road to nowhere

7 Spineless... plans are afoot to paralyse London further by converting Oxford Street into pedestrian precinct. Credit: Getty Images

SO, the powers that be have decided that Oxford Street – which is London’s spine – is to become a pedestrian precinct.

And that’s lovely. People who come to the street to buy stuff they could have bought for much less at home will no longer go home afterwards suffering from asthma and cancer and boils.

The news, however, is less good for people who actually live and work in the capital because all the buses and taxis that currently use Oxford Street will have to be redirected on to other roads.

Most of which have already been turned into cycle lanes.

Or jammed up by Uber drivers who indicate left and then turn right because they have absolutely no idea where they are going. Or how to drive a car.

It makes me wonder. When a politician looks at a stick of rhubarb, does he or she think: “I shall use that as a hat.”

No?

So why, when they look at a road, do they automatically think: “Right, well let’s get the cars off that and use it as a place where bewildered tourists can stand while they eat an overpriced sandwich.”

THE British prime ministerial plane – known as Cam Force One – now needs a new name. Theresy Jet?

I‘ll get my coat.

PACK IT IN, CHRIS l I LIKE Springwatch presenter, Chris Packham. He’s a good chap with a sound taste in music. But I think his latest campaign to stop supermarkets selling grouse that have been killed with a gun are wide of the mark. He says that the lead found in shot is poisonous and that’s true – it will make you a bit poorly if you eat it by the handful – but what does he suggest as an alternative?

That we bring down the birds with bows and arrows?

AUSTRALIAN authorities have promised a thorough investigation after an eagle swooped out the sky at a wildlife event in Alice Springs and tried to grab a small boy with its talons.

What’s the point? I can tell them already what happened.

The boy is made from meat. And that’s what eagles eat. The end.