Rugby league great Hazem El-Masri. Photo: Elliot Housego

The gentleman of the code. A great source of inspiration. El Magic.

These are some of the superlatives used to describe former NRL star Hazem El Masri. But now, the "greatest goal kicker in the history of the sport," outspoken critic of violence against women, and former White Ribbon Ambassador, has himself been charged with serious domestic violence offences for allegedly assaulting his wife. It's a shocking fall from grace for a man whose former wife Arwa once described as "too nice."

So how do we reconcile this? How could someone who's seen by the community as "one of the good guys" be capable of such an abhorrent crime?

The right image: Hazem El Masri and his former wife, Arwa Abousamra, in 2009. Photo: Steve Christo

Let's step back for a minute: In 2013 El Masri marched in the White Ribbon Day march alongside police commissioner Andrew Scipione and fellow NRL legend Mario Fenech, who said that his father had instilled in him from a young age that "Real men don't hit women."


That sentiment, right there, is part of the problem. Such blanket statements show how, despite all the evidence, we still cling to the good guy/bad guy dichotomy that pretends only bad men – the type women should learn to stay away from – hurt women, while the good guys respect women, cherish women, love women, and would never deliberately hurt them.

This shocking news blows that fantasy sky-high.

Hazem El-Masri

For years, feminists have tried to instil into the public consciousness that it's not simply a matter of a few rotten apples, that there is a society-wide problem that implants and nurtures in men a sense of entitlement and ownership over women's bodies.

So-called nice guys, decent guys, and "real" men also hit women. They control women. They rape women. They kill women.

These aren't villains hiding in the bushes announcing their intentions with a lecherous laugh. The reason feminists advocate for programs like affirmative consent, the reason they campaign tirelessly against the all-pervasive rape culture, and the reason they suggest the best rape representation device is not to police women's behaviour but to tell men not to rape, is because they know that it it's not just strangers doing these things but men we know and trust.

And yet, society insists on painting violent men as aberrations, and women are meant to take it in good faith when men tell us they are not "like that."

This oversimplification is disastrous for women because it places the burden for ending gendered violence firmly on them. The reality is, of course, that even the so-called nicest guy is capable of the most heinous violence. El Masri is not the first beloved public figure to be accused or charged with violence against women.

When former Cosby Show star Phylicia Rashad came out in defence of her on-screen husband early this year, this is what I wrote:

"It's really not a matter of whether Cosby is a talented comedian who did great things for black America, or whether he is a serial abuser of women.

The likely truth is that he is both…This is the reality of our world and our social construct of masculinity. While our culture continues to position women as sexual objects that exist largely for the visual and sexual gratification of straight men, we simultaneously insist that the only men who actually act on this, who do treat women as objects…are monsters when in actual fact they are our co-workers, our fathers, and yes, some of them are even Great Men who have contributed culturally and philanthropically to society."

The good guy/bad guy dichotomy is nothing then, but a means for society to absolve itself of any culpability in helping to create the conditions in which violence against women flourishes, and of any responsibility to prevent it. Because if some guys are just bad, then nothing anything of us can do will stop, and women just need to avoid them to stay safe.

The allegations against El Masri, with his charming smile, good-guy persona, and family man reputation, will be a shock to many. But if the allegations are ultimately proven true, it won't be the first time where the hero and the villain are one and the same.

Of course, El Masri's Lebanese nationality and Muslim faith add another sad dimension to this story as his actions are already been held up by some as a reflection of his ethnic and religious background. What now, then, for his fans, the ones who saw in him proof that they too can thrive in a society determined to see only the worst in them?

"Domestic violence always makes me feel sick," my teenage niece, a lifelong bulldogs supporter and a El Masri fan, said yesterday. "But actually knowing who he is makes me feel really disappointed." And that, more than anything, seems to sum up this whole story. Disappointment. Both in El Masri and in a society that just keeps on letting this happen.

In an Australian Story profile on El Masri, football commentator Ray Warren said that the former star, "Will leave a lasting impression on rugby league as he will on Australia." Indeed he will, but if the allegations are proven, it won't be in the way that Warren intended.