The “what” of how to ask a woman out.

Let me first start by telling you some things you should not do when asking her out.

The three biggest mistakes men make when asking women out.

1. “Asking” her out.

Example: “Would you like to go to the movies / have a drink / go on a date with me?”

Never ask for it. Asking comes across as weak. I’m not saying it is weak, I’m saying it comes across as weak (unless you have your body language figured out).

So, if you do it in a VERY confident way, then you can ask. But since I’ve never met you in person, I’d rather play it safe and advise you not to ask her out.

Instead, suggest going out. This comes across as less needy, and more dominant and confident. Women love confident, dominant men. Example: “We should go out sometime / have a drink / et cetera.”

2. Confessing your feelings.

The worst way to ask a woman out is to use the confession approach. Some men even write women long love letters or emails. This is a big no-no.

The reason it repulses women so much is because it is a very needy thing to do, and neediness is the number-one attraction killer.

So, as much as you want to confess your feelings, “don’t”.

3. Thanking her and/or becoming excited.

When she agrees to go on a date with you, don’t thank her for it. And don’t get excited. Thanking a woman because she agrees to go on a date with you shows her that you think she’s out of your league.

It tells her you don’t have much success with women. And if you don’t have many options, you probably are not a good catch.

Think like this: would Brad Pitt thank a woman if she agreed to go on a date with him? Of course not. Would he act all excited, like a puppy? Of course not. I suggest you do the same.

Just stay cool and say, “Alright, see you then”. And leave.

Besides asking a woman out the wrong way, there are also places you want to avoid on the first date.

The Three Worst First Date Ideas.

Getting her to agree to go on a date means nothing if that date goes nowhere.

Here’s where not to go:

1. Restaurants.

Don’t take her to dinner on a first date.

Inviting her to a restaurant will decrease the chances of her accepting. That’s because it’s a big commitment for a first date. Think about it. If you don’t get along, then you’re stuck there together for two hours.

And even if she does agree, it’s still a bad choice. It positions you as a provider instead of a lover. She might think you want to buy her affection. It’s just too much investment for a first date.

2. The movies.

This also is a bad idea.

How can you get to know her if all your time together is spent at the movie theater? Instead of talking, you’ll both be looking at the screen.

3. Places where she knows lots of people and you don’t.

Probably the worst first date of all is going to a place where she knows many people and you don’t.

When you go to a bar or place where all her friends are, there are many things that can go wrong. First of all, as an introvert, socializing with big groups of people is probably not your favorite activity.

Secondly, she will be talking to her friends and you will feel like the fifth (or sixth, or seventh…) wheel. Every time she leaves you to go talk to a friend, you’ll stand there alone, looking like an idiot. You’ll feel insecure because you know nobody. Don’t do it. It’s social suicide.

Even if you have great social skills, it’s still a bad strategy. You risk that somebody won’t like you or will be jealous of you.

Next thing you know, that jealous person will tell her you are weird and it will screw up your chances of seeing her again.

If she really insists, there is a solution to this: bring your friends too. But again, as an introvert one of your biggest strengths lies in creating deep connections in one-on-one conversations. You’re much better off taking her to a quiet wine bar where it will be just the two of you.

However, SOMETIMES, even as an introvert you’re better off having her and her friends join you and your friends. Later in this article I’ll tell you exactly when to choose this option.

Alright, now that you know the DON’TS, let’s have a look at the DOs…

How to ask a woman out: The strategy.

The way you ask women out depends on two variables:

1. How attracted she is to you

2. How much a ‘no’ could negatively impact you

When she’s very attracted to you, you don’t need a great date idea at all. Example: ‘We should go out sometime. What do you think?’ That’s all you need to do, and she will say yes.

That means that the date itself should be something that she values. For example, if she is into art, you could invite her to an art exposé.

You see the difference? In the first case, you invited her to go out with you without a specific event in mind. Meaning YOU were the event. In the second case, the art exposé was the event.

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If you don’t know her and she’s not part of your social circle, work, or hobby, then there is “no” negative impact if she says no. Therefore, you can ask her out “overtly”.

Overtly means it’s clear that it is a date.

The definition of a date is “two people pairing off for a limited amount of time for the purpose of getting to know each other.”

Examples: going for a drink, meeting up for a walk, having dinner, etc.

If she works with you, is part of your social circle, or you go to the same gym three times a week, than it’s much safer to “covertly” ask her out.

Asking her out covertly means it does NOT look like a date.

This means that you ask her to join you in doing something with a purpose that is NOT centered on pairing off to get to know each other.

Examples: getting together to work on some project you need to finish for work, inviting her to join you in something that you and your friends are already doing, or inviting her AND her friends to join you AND your friends for something.

The three examples above are “stealthy, fly-under-the-radar” ways to invite a woman out.

Even if she says no, you won’t feel embarrassed because you didn’t ask her out overtly. It didn’t look like a date request.

That’s because there was an absence of the two elements that need to be present for it to be a “date”.

Remember, those elements are pairing off with the purpose to get to know each other.

Let’s look at some different examples to explain it further:

Working on a project together.

This has only one element: pairing off. But the purpose is not to get to know each other. The purpose is to work together.

The best “covert” strategy for introverts is to invite her to do something that is not focused on getting to know each other, but that involves just the two of you.

Inviting her to tag along with you and your friends.

This will allow you to get to know each other, but there are other people involved. Thus, you’re not pairing off. This is the second-best covert strategy for introverts.

Notice that it involves other people, but you invited her without her friends. She’ll come alone to join you and your friends. Therefore, she’ll be holding on to you because she doesn’t know your friends.

Every time you talk to a friend or go to the bathroom, she’ll hope you come back to her quickly, because you’re the only person she knows. In this scenario, it’s quite easy to get into a one-on-one conversation with her, even with your friends around.

Especially if you informed your friends that you want time to connect with her on a deeper level.

Inviting her and her friends to join you and your friends.

The same is true here. There is an element of getting to know each other, but no pairing off.

This is the least appealing option for introverts, but notice that your friends will be there too. Therefore, you should ask them to interact with the group so you can have some one-on-one time with her.

Of course, as I just mentioned, when you’re working together or when she joins you and your friends, you’ll use that time to build attraction with her and get to know her better.

In doing so, you can get her on a one-on-one date the next time. This way, there is a smoother transition with less risk.

Of course if she’s already attracted to you, then you can skip that step and go for a real date immediately.

Get The Date Strategy Matrix

High Attraction Low Attraction High Impact “I’m going to do xyz Thursday, why don’t you tag along?” “You like sushi, right? My friends and I are going to this great sushi bar on Thursday. They serve the best sushi in the whole town. Why don’t you join us? (Alternatively Why don’t you and your friends join us there?”) Low Impact “We should go out sometime.” “You like art, right? I know this great art gallery that just opened. We should go there sometime.”

Let’s examine each of the examples from the matrix.

The upper-left box.

Here she’s very attracted to you but there is also a high impact if she says no. Maybe this is a woman you know from work.

So your strategy here is to ask her covertly, but you don’t need to sell the date. “I’m going shopping next Thursday. Why don’t you tag along?”

She will probably agree because she is very attracted to you. And because you invited her to something mundane, it sets the frame that you are the value.

And in the unlikely event that she doesn’t say yes, you didn’t lose face, because you just invited her to something you were already doing. Plus, the purpose was not to get to know each other. The purpose was to help you choose some clothes.

The lower-left box.

She’s very attracted to you, and there is no impact if she says no. Maybe this is a woman you met at a bar or a coffee shop.

Since she’s attracted to you, you don’t need to sell her on the date. Since there is no negative impact if she says no, you can ask her “overtly”. “We should go out sometime.”

The upper-right box.

It’s not so obvious that she’s attracted to you, and there is the possibility for a high negative impact if she says no.

Because you’re not sure she’s attracted to you, you want to play it safe and “sell” her the date.

“You like sushi, right? My friends and I are going to this great sushi bar on Thursday. They serve the best sushi in the whole town.”

Because there is the possibility of a high negative impact if she says “no,” you want to ask covertly. “Why don’t you join us?” OR “Why don’t you and your friends join us there?”

You can’t be more covert than this.

First, you positioned the event as the value, not you.

Second, you were going there anyway. You’re not doing something special for her.

Plus, your friends will also be there. And on top of that, you invite her friends too. You really can’t get more safe and under-the-radar than this.

The lower-right box.

This is the same situation as the previous one, with the exception that there is “no” negative impact if she says no. So you sell her the venue, but you go more overt. It will be just you and her, without friends.

“You like art, right? I know this great art gallery that just opened. We should go there sometime.”

Now, you could argue and say, “Why don’t I just always go for the most covert way of asking her out? That way I’m always safe, and it’s easier to remember.”

You’re right in one way, but you need to know this: the more covert and indirect you go, the more difficult it will be for you to escalate the relationship.

When your friends and her friends are there, she probably won’t allow you to escalate “physically” in front of everybody.

You’ll have to use that date as a transition so you can get her out on a real date next time. So, using the covert method every time also takes more time.

Plus, some of her friends might not like you or even be jealous. So, there can be a chance that they will try to sabotage you.

Also, remember that as an introvert your biggest strength lies in one-on-one interactions.

Therefore, if you know for sure that she’s attracted to you, why risk blowing it up by bringing other people into the picture?

The same goes for when you invite her to work on a project with you.

The frame for the date is that you’re getting together to work. It’s less clear for her. Therefore, it could take more time to transition to a real date.

On the other hand, if it’s just the two of you and she knows it’s a date, you have already won.

That’s because she accepted even knowing that it’s a date. It’s very clear to both of you why you’re both there.

The vibe will be different from the beginning. This makes things much easier.

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Okay. So now that you know the ‘what’ of how to ask women out, let’s have a look at…