What’s the worst thing that can happen to man while surfing?

Death by shark? Death by drowning? Nay. The worst thing that can happen to a man while surfing is board-induced castration. Physical pain is one thing, but being desexed by a floatie-toy is most certainly worse than death. Masculinity is frailer than Swift comma Taylor.

Recently Balaram Stack -- who, ever since a young'n', has heeded the call of ‘Bal Sack’ -- nearly lost his spuds to the Atlantic's shallow depths. Below he recounts the harrowing tale.

Stab: Bal! We heard you almost spilled the McNuggets. What happened?

Balaram Stack: I was just surfing a fun waist high day at home, and I tried this little air. The board ended up flipping over and I sat straight on the fins. I was actually wearing a short-arm, and the fin didn’t cut through the neoprene, so I thought I was ok at first. It just felt like I slapped my balls on the water really hard, but I didn’t really think anything of it.

But eventually you discovered the truth…

Yeah, I surfed for another hour, but when I got out I looked down because it still hurt, and I was like... What the hell? There was a little hole in my ballsack the size of a pinky nail.

And what’d you do?

I was with my friends and was like, “Yo, do you guys think I should go get stitches right now?” Like I’m not getting stitches on my ball sack, right? But I ended up going to urgent care, just because I was a little freaked out.

Did they patch your sack?

Well, the doctor was in there checking it out, getting real close to my junk, but then they told me they don’t do scrotal stitches at urgent care, and that I’d have to go to the ER. But I was just like fuck that, because it wasn’t bleeding, it was just a little hole. So I just superglued it shut, and it worked.

So you’re out of commission at the moment?

No, I actually surfed today and the waves were really fun. It kinda hurt wearing a wetsuit but the superglue held, thankfully.

No I mean like… out of commission.

Oh [laughs]. Yeah it was pretty scary at first, I thought I might have to lay low for a while, but nah, I’m alright. I’m still working.

You’re just straight back into it then?

Confirmed.

Good man.