We’ve noticed a few of our fellow sisters in our respective workplaces who seem to be unaware of the Standards of Conduct concerning multi-stall ladies’ rooms. So to make things clear for our cohort, we’ve spelled them out below.

1. Buffer Stall

Whenever possible, always leave AT LEAST a one-stall buffer between ladies’ room patrons. We care not if you have a stall you’ve claimed as your own. Personal stalls are overridden by the buffer rule. Give us some space to do our thing.



2. Check Your Shyness at the Door



For the most part there are only three reasons why any of us are in here, and we’ve all done all of them millions of times. Sometimes these things make noises. Just own it. No need to spread the pee-shyness to your neighbor (who better have left a buffer) who hears (the wretched, anguished silence as) you hold your pee. Let it flow.



3. Inter-stall Communication



Between longtime biffles who have gossip to share? Why not. Between myself and the octogenarian from another department who likes my shoes? Please, no. When the door locks, so does your mouth. There are only two acceptable topics of inter-stall communication between non-biffles:

Could you pass me some toilet paper?

Could you pass me a tampon/feminine napkin?



4. Sink Smalltalk



Acceptable. But by no means is anyone to begrudge the lady who’d rather just exchange quiet smiles whilst disinfecting. (Feel free to stare down those who forego the sink altogether. Pee may be sterile, but you never know what was on that door. Also, the flu is really bad this year, so WASH YOUR HANDS.)



5. Girl Scout Camping Philosophy Applies



Always leave your site cleaner than you found it. That means grabbing a handful of toilet paper and taking care of anything you dripped anywhere.



6. Planet Fitness



The ladies’ room is likewise a judgment-free zone. Reapplying lip gloss for the fourteenth time since lunch? Go ahead. Made the handicapped stall your dressing room while changing for yoga? Right on. Brushing your teeth at the sink? Good on you! Cutting cheese in the most audible of fashions? If you can’t do it here, then where?

The only reason to judge a fellow lady of the room leads us to the most important standard of all:



7. IF YOU DON’T FLUSH THE ZEUSDAMN TOILET WE WILL FIND YOU AND SEND YOU TO THE ETERNAL DEPTHS OF HADES OURSELVES WHERE YOU CAN DEAL WITH CERBERUS’S DROPPINGS FOR ALL TIME YOU WORTHLESS DEFILER.



Yes. ^^That.^^.



And because it’s kind of on topic-ish: