SEATTLE—Cringing as he scanned the section touting the city as the economic and cultural core of New York State’s Capital Region, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly felt his heart break a little while perusing Albany’s pitch to host the company’s new national headquarters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, jeez, you can tell they put a lot of work into this sad presentation—they even provided a concept sketch of our headquarters across the river from their little Amtrak station,” said Bezos, noting that the package, which included a custom-made SUNY Albany Great Danes football jersey with “AMAZON” written on the nameplate, laid out the many ways a new $5 billion campus would benefit from being situated nearby such landmarks as the New York State Museum and The Egg, a performance art center the proposal referred to as “iconic.” “It talks about how the Port of Albany has one of the biggest grain elevators in the country or something, and they keep calling themselves ‘the next Tech Valley.’ God, I don’t think I have the stomach to read the section about much we’ll love their Tulip Festival.” At press time, Amazon had reportedly received an addendum to Albany’s proposal noting they are optimistic that United Airlines may begin offering flights between their city and Detroit within the next year.

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