Well that could have gone better. Note to self- next time, no matter how late you are, make sure you check your face thoroughly. No sane man is ever going to enjoy the fact that you greeted him with the contents of a canine anal gland on your cheek, and the result is returning from the bathroom to find he has left before the starter.

I don’t blame him really: eau d’excrement isn’t exactly the aphrodisiac you expect on a first date and you probably don’t expect to have to stop a girl who is a self-proclaimed ‘young professional’ mid-sentence to ask about the malodourous stain currently occupying the space below her right eye.

Lesson learnt: do not organise dates after work unless dining with a blind man with no sense of smell.

As I’m leaving the restaurant I feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s Mr B.

Mr B owns Cooper -a black Labrador with a penchant for indigestible inanimate objects. His previous hors d’oeuvers have included a flip flop, a pair of ski goggles, three out of four legs of an antique dresser and the bottom of a grandfather clock.