Alright listen up. When you were cracking stick last night to Vlad G’s thicc ass busting up 91 bombs in Cleveland, I was salivating through the responses to that FIRE tweet from our main account simply asking which metal bat you’d use during a home run derby. I couldn’t help myself. It was a nostalgic overdose of epic proportion that sent me on a quest to answer a singular question:

What are the best metal bats of all time?

Like most power rankings I do, we won’t actually be ranking things in a traditional numbered format. Instead, I’ve had a few responsible Miller Lites, closed my eyes and dreamt up a formula and grouping system straight from my gut and cerebellum. So without further adieu here they are:

Poor People Bats

Black Magic’s were priced to sell no doubt about it. $99 at every major sporting outlet and stacked to the fucking ceiling. Every team had at least two Black Magics and it was usually the poorest kid on the team. Sorry. I know that’s mean but I’m just being honest. This bat sucks and it got way too much playing time on price point alone.

The much less heralded cheapskate bat. The Triple7 alludes to some kind of titanium alloy. 777. I guess that’s a lot because it was a direct competitor with the TPX C-555 so they slapped a Triple7 on the barrel, discounted it 50% and that’s how a 777 ended up in every high school dugout across America.

Straight from the sale page in your Baseball Express magazine. Smart to save money around Christmas. Dumb to do it over a Worth Prodigy.

Your Dad Bought The Wrong Bat

Rawlings Plasma: Your dad thought it looked cool and recognized the Rawlings logo from the glove his dad bought him 30 years ago that he never used. So he’s trying extra hard for his kid this time around except he made the classic mistake of going to SportMart (now known as DICKS) and bought a $149 bat off the rack. You hate it but don’t want to disappoint your Father so you use the Rawlings PLASMA for the entire 2003 summer. Your batting average drops 75 points.

Several kids asked for the REDLINE and several kids got a REFLEX instead, probably because it was $100 cheaper and looked very similar. Either way, it’s okay if it ruined your childhood. I’m here for you no I’m not.

OG’s

You’ve got a couple of these in the garage although you’ve never used them. You don’t know where they came from. When asked, your Dad tells you they came from Grandpa’s house when he died 8 years ago and you cleared it out. Your uncle played a little college ball and your old man suspects they could have been his from Babe Ruth league circa 1987. No one wanted the bats and he figured since you liked sports maybe someday you’d use them. HAHAHA. You can’t help but laugh in your dad’s face. Swing these fuckin things? No way Charlie. It says 33 inches/30 ounces but for whatever reason that bat feels closer to 10 pounds. The grip is worn and the exposed adhesive has started to glob up and become really distracting. Notably, it’s always an EASTON.

Cool Kid Bats

RedLine DOMINATED the little league scene age in the late 90’s. It was the direct competitor to TPX and Easton’s first major success branding an individual line of bats. Out of the plastic they had a matte black finish that’s become extremely popular. It was cool that over time the bats would get dirty and beat up but still retain their pop, like Craig Biggio’s helmet. Just nasty and disgusting but because it’s baseball it works. That was the Easton C-Core Redline and your 3-hole shortstop was using it in 1997.

The OG Omaha is arguably the best bat ever. It was part of the first wave of new bats from TPX and at $199-$249 it was a clear step up from the mid-market but nowhere near the high end. So in reality, the Omaha basically carved out it’s own segment of the metal bat market and they did it on quality alone.

Just kidding. Omaha might be the most fire name you could ever sell to a high school baseball player.

Then there’s the 2nd round. A brighter yellow to distinguish between the original gold. These were much more popular but only because so many players spent the season before using the other kid’s Omaha. Come Christmas, Dad was a little jealous and wanted you to have your own because He Works Hard Too.

Sales quadrupled from 2001-02, allegedly.

I feel like everyone’s older brother had the white and black TPX. This bat fucked so heavy period. -5 for life.

The original Connexion belongs in the Smithsonian that is not a joke.

DANGER ZONE

It’s amazing companies made these bats and sold them to kids.

The AIR ATTACK was said to have air bubbles in the chamber and the ball bounces off air bubbles at a faster rate or some shit? Idk. I just remember them cutting this bat off after a few years because some kids in California died or something.

TPX wanted to take it to the next level and instead they created an actual weapon that was better served for our Department of Defense and not your 14-year-old travel team.

Biggest sweetspot in history no questions asked. Demarini took the world by storm in 2005 after perfecting the 2-piece technology that Connexion failed to perfect. The end result is a bat that should have never been produced. Demarini wanted to capture the market and make a splash and in the process, they created a bat that turned the average 15-year old into Alex Rodriguez at a very attractive price point. That way the next time you bought a bat, you wouldn’t think of anything but Demarini. Turns out it worked and you can chalk it entirely up to the Voodoo’s world class ping.

This bat literally broke in half on several occasions. Doesn’t get more dangerous than that:

Awesome Bats That Fell Victim To Shitty Marketing Strategies

Copperheads are probably the most underrated brand ever

Worth 3DX were amazing but extremely expensive and thus rare. We’re talking $400+. I remember my high school 3rd baseman straight up shoplifted one of these from Sports Authority in Orland Square Mall back in the spring of 2004. He brought wire cutters and everything for the security device then walked right out the front door with it. He hit a bomb in our first game with it and didn’t look back. If you had a Worth 3DX and loved it slide in my DM’s I want to hear from you.

My Dad Takes Baseball Really Serious Bats

The first premium $300+ TPX to hit the market. They said it was CRYZOGENICALLY frozen or some shit. Most people preferred the Omaha but if we’re being honest it’s because no one wants to use the rich kid’s bat.

Connexion’s were so sweet when they came out but then I felt like EASTON just started cramming them down our throats. Red. Black. Green. Blue.

ORANGE

This bat also belongs in the Cool Kids section because the Orange Connexion went so much harder than all the colors. I think it dented easier and or maybe it was just the most dangerous iteration EASTON sold. Either way, if you had an Orange Connexion it’s because someone’s parents forked over a week’s worth of vacationing in the Wisconsin Dells so little Tommy could hit .275 over a very lackluster high school career.

Fortunately, at least 2 other guys on your team went all conference on the back of that bat. So thanks for putting it in the dugout. Team always needs guys like you.

What did I miss?

UPDATE: Put this one in the Cool Kids section

Released in 2000, the Easton Z2K was EASTON’s first pivot off the REDLINE Z-Core during Y2k and their last major attempt at a 1-piece bat before going all in on CONNEXION. The end result is an extra juiced bat that was probably made illegal in most house leagues by 2002. Thank you benintendi16 for the submission.