No one may read this, but I’m really going to enjoy myself. If you’re looking for intelligent, well-reasoned roster analysis leave now.

A week or so ago I was searching Twitter for some Tyler Adams news and stumbled across this guy:

The one on the far right is a member of Canadian Wrestling’s Elite and his name is Tyler Adams. I, of course, dove down this rabbit hole head first. It is an amazing place and allowed me to see moments like this one:

Yeah… I did that and it looked good pic.twitter.com/C8ZOp05GRd — Tyler Adams (@ImTylerAdams1) July 2, 2019

The beautiful scenery and people in lawn chairs really make it for me. After spending some time on the CWE’s website I decided that I had to somehow involve these magnificent athletes in my next USMNT roster article. And let’s be honest…after seeing the roster you either have to laugh or cry, right?

Please be aware. Every single one of these wrestlers is real as far as I know. You may check the CWE website if you doubt me. I even went so far as to research their signature moves on this pro wrestling wiki. What I’m saying is that there’s something wrong with me I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Goalkeepers

“The Rabid Dog” Rob Stardom and Brad Guzan

So Rob hasn’t caved and admitted he’s bald yet so Guzan has progressed further in his journey in one respect. On the other hand, Rabid clearly has the upper hand when it comes to intimidating fist clenches. Look at the glare above the sparkly robe. Brad looks pumped, but never intimidating. Maybe we’ll see a sparkly shirt when he’s between the sticks on Friday.

The Cannon Clan and Sean Johnson/Matt Turner

If we’re being honest no one really cares about backup goalkeepers or tag team wrestling. Unless Sean Michaels suddenly betrays Rocker’s brother Marty Janetti and kicks him through a window…we can’t be bothered. If Turner sucker punches Johnson in the locker room I want to hear about it. If not, I’m good.

Defenders

“Hotshot” Danny Duggan and John Brooks

Hotshot is one of the few impressive specimens in the CWE lineup, much like Brooks is one of the few impressive players left in the probable starting lineup. Hotshot is very accurate with his finishing move the “Cruel Summer” (flying knees from the top rope) – much like Brooks is accurate with his long balls from the back. Let’s hope John and Hotshot both stay healthy.

Jason “The Gift” Kincaid and Aaron Long

Long already has the haircut for wrestling, but he may have to up his game to compete with The Gift. Aaron Long is frequently tasked with cleaning up messes at the back with his excellent athleticism. This will likely be his role against Canada again. The Gift also is clearly very athletic. Look at him climbing that pole! Let’s just hope Aaron never ends up on the receiving end of a Sorcerer’s Stomp from Kincaid.

“Outlaw” Adam Knight and Tim Ream

The clenched left fist clearly indicates Outlaw’s left-handedness which makes him and Ream lefty brethren. Ream has an advantage in the beard game, but again Outlaw wins the day with the intimidating look/scowl. Our defenders really need to work on the intimidation factor. Miazga will be missed for that reason alone. I bet no one even grabs a someone else’s scrotum when he’s not in camp. More than likely Ream slots into this lineup as Brooks’ ball-playing backup in line for minutes against Cuba.

Phil Atlas and Sergiño Dest

Wait…Phil Atlas looks like a legit wrestler. How’d he get mixed in with these other guys from the CWE? You see where I’m going with this? Dest is about the only piece of positive news the USMNT has had since beating Ecuador in the quarter finals of the Copa America Centenario. He’s the starter at LB or LWB until further notice. Phil “The Canadian Destroyer” Atlas looks like he was a big win for the CWE as well.

Tony Novak and Reggie Cannon

Reggie just seems like a nice guy. And without knowing much of anything about him…so does Tony Novak. Although, just before he participated in the CWE’s Royal Rumble he did post on Facebook, “Tony Novak is back in the hunt…deal with it.” Maybe he is a bad man after all. 😂 Reggie is my choice for first choice right back for the USMNT. We’ll find out if Berhalter agrees on Friday.

Scottie Raver and Daniel Lovitz

Raver is another wrestler on the CWE roster that doesn’t really look the part. He kinda reminds me of a guy you see at the local bar and wonder why he’s wearing that sleeveless shirt? Similarly, Lovitz is a guy perfectly at home hanging around with the Montreal Impact, but doesn’t quite fit in with international soccer players. Let’s hope Dest stays healthy.

Marky Mark and DeAndre Yedlin

Yedlin looks like he might be ready for the CWE. And Marky Mark has to know Marky Mark was already taken, right? Either way Marky’s finishing move is the Shooting Star Press which sounds like a good fit for speedy right wing like DeAndre. If he’s a wing back I’d love to see Yedlin. If the position calls for a real right back, Cannon is still my choice.

Midfielders

RJ Lilley and Jackson Yueill

RJ is a radio dj turned wrestler and like Yueill packs a lot of punch for a 127 lb man. I do have some hope that Yueill will bring a little bit more athleticism and fight to the #6 position than Bradley or Trapp have for the team. Mad respect to Mr. Lilley for repping the mighty Whalers while in the ring though.

At this point in the writing process I realized I’d done 11 of the 23 players. It was takinging forever and I was already approaching 1,000 words. Meaning…this needs to go faster. So here’s the rest of what I think will be the starting 11 (and Gyasi Zardes) in a shorter format.

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