It's sloberrin' time

Every so often, there’ll be a product with a spark of genius. Something that comes along and makes you think, “Why wasn’t this a thing already?” like donuts based on Ghostbusters, Avengers cereal, and even that time Denny’s created a new menu based off of The Hobbit. That’s how I got started on this adventure. One day, I thought it’d also be a good idea to start putting all of this stuff into my body. You know, because Good Idea + Good Idea = Best Idea, right?

The latest thing? Denny’s, in all of their infinite wisdom, has created the “Slamt4stic Four” menu in order to promote Fox’s upcoming Fantastic Four. I recruited some help for this from my brothers since I couldn’t possibly take on the team alone, but it was for naught. It was a war I’d already lost.

[Snaxist is all about movie endorsed food. We’ll stuff our faces, destroy our bodies, and write about it for your entertainment!]

The Invisible Woman Slam

Usually I take on these foods alone, so I had grown accustomed to getting one dish at a time. As I finished one I’d slowly make my way to the next in an effort to become one amorphous blob of constant digestion. But on this trip I hadn’t calculated how bringing others would alter the rhythm and that was the first of my many, many mistakes. They had brought us all of the food at once (sans desserts because I’m not made of money, you jerks) and it was certainly a sight to behold. In fact, I had become intimidated by the beast in front me. Staring the lion in the eyes, frozen until one of us made our move. If I had been alone, this would’ve been the end of my journey. Thankfully, one of my compadres began eating and I snapped out of my fear coma.

The Invisible Woman Slam’s main feature are its blueberry pancakes topped with other fruit as everything else is what you’d expect from a standard grand slam. Covered with a sickly sweet glaze from the fruit, it was quite tasty really. Pancakes weren’t too doughy, and it was definitely better before you added syrup. Lots of soaked in flavors (without feeling like I ate a stick of butter), but very heavy. But this would be far from the heaviest thing on the menu.

The Fantastic Four-Cheese Omelette

As this was the first dish I took on alone, I felt ill prepared. I had recently moved to New York and grown accustomed to a lighter diet lacking in all of the heavy meats and cheeses I used to eat back in my hometown of Viking Land. It’s like I wanted to climb Mt. Everest after retiring thirty years prior. But like with any massive undertaking, I couldn’t climb the mountain until I took the first step. But I was still so nervous. What would this beast do to me? How would I change? Could I just go back to the modern world once I’ve become one of the savages? So I took the first bite and, nevertheless, slowly became the monster I used to know.

The Fantastic Four Cheese Omelette (neglecting a representation for Mr. Fantastic since that dude’s such a nerd, and nerds don’t eat food) was touted as stuffed with cheddar, swiss, parmesan, and mozzarella cheeses and it certainly delivered on that front. As a startup meal (or if it’s you’re only dish seeing as how the rest of you are smart thinking adults) it’s perfectly fine, but it’s basically the same as any other omelette du fromage. I never did get my two pieces of toast though. I know I had I food mountain in front of me, but I feel like I really did miss out on that toast.

The Thing Burger

Before I knew it, the omelet was gone. I faded in and out slowly. The plates in front of me were just some random blurring motions. Yet, I still felt the hunger. It compelled me forward as my conscious mind begged for it to stop. “Why are you doing this to yourself?” “Please, stop.” and “Is this truly what you want out of life?” were all questions my body seemed to ignore as I moved toward the next dish. I felt my jaw unhinge in order to completely destroy the meal in front me. In my savage mind, it was the only way. But my body was slowly changing. Palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, and there was vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti…

The Thing Burger was the item I most looked forward to. It’s the only truly different item on the menu as the other dishes are variations of ones available on the other movie menus. A burger patty topped with hash browns, bacon, an egg, and something called “The Thing Sauce” (seriously) all between two cheesy buns. It’s the perfect breakfast burger, and I’ll go as far to say it’s the best thing on the new menu (pun intended). Each bite was great, and I’d imagine this would taste wonderfully after a night of getting drunk off your ass. Couldn’t figure out what the sauce was as the taste of the burger kind of blended into one indistinct flavor (though the bottom bun was soaked from the grease), but at least the taste was interesting overall. Fries were good, too.

The Human Torch Skillet

The burger was eliminated, so I was ready to move on to the final dish. But thanks to my inner turmoil, my monstrous form was weakened. Staring into the face of the dish’s black abyss I thought of my family back home. What would they say if they saw me now? How would they judge what their son has become? Are you proud of me now, Ma? Are you proud of your son? Look what they’ve done to me! Look at what I’ve done to them! I’ve reached into the abyss and pulled out the heart of god!

The Human Torch Skillet is a spicy variation of the skillet available on Denny’s other movie menus. With jalapenos, pepper jack cheese (which I didn’t notice until I packed the dish into a to go plate because it blended in with the egg) and pico de gallo, there was no way I could finish this. It’s smothered in cholula (which is a smoky hot sauce) and that completely killed the rest of the dish’s flavor. Even as I tried mixing it with the cheese or sausage, all I tasted was cholula. That’s also why the dish was so dark. It’s a shame since this could’ve been good. It’s the furthest thing from spicy, and it’s the furthest thing from tasty.

Overall, this was a fun trip and Denny’s is the only restaurant that experiments with its food like this. Sure my stomach is pretty much demolished at this point, but I always love the madness of it all. But, sadly, I’ll never be the same again.