Sure, Our Beer Is Almost Impossible to Track Down, But That Only Makes You Want It More

Ever since our flagship septuple IPA landed in the number one position on a popular beer rating website, due in part to positive word of mouth (as well as a flaw we discovered in the site’s database that allowed us to leave an unlimited number of five-star reviews), demand for our product has skyrocketed. This, combined with our refusal to distribute anywhere outside the confines of our own facility in order to strategically and artificially limit the available supply, has resulted in people clamoring for our beer. If you’re looking to pick some up for yourself, just know that your chances of success are about the same as the ABV of your average domestic light beer.

We’re open for sales on the fifth Wednesday of every month, so double-check your calendar before making the trip. Our retail shop starts up at noon, and goes until we sell out of cans. It’s hard to say exactly when we’ll run out on a given day due to varying demand, but as a rule of thumb, if you didn’t sacrifice an entire night’s worth of sleep in order to get in line before sundown of the previous day, you’ve already missed out.

Upon arrival at the parking lot, each customer will be handed a ticket with a number to designate their spot in the queue. One randomly chosen person will be given a red ticket, which indicates the selection for today’s offering to Ninkasi, the ancient Sumerian tutelary goddess of beer. This would-be customer will instead be ritualistically killed, and will not receive any beer.

The remaining patrons, after the sacrifice, will be led into our retail store to have their orders taken. Because of our very limited allotments, we have restrictions on how many cans people can take home. Typically, the purchase maximum is four (4) cans of beer, but on busy days, which each day most certainly is, it may drop to as low as one-half (.5) cans per person. In these situations, please note that the actual volume received will be slightly less than advertised due to the nature of the can-splitting process. Some people in the past have asked whether this is some sort of Judgment of Solomon-esque test. No, it is not.

If you’re able to obtain a can, which, honestly, is very unlikely, we invite you to check out our space-age tasting room. This specially-licensed BYOB area will allow you to enjoy a drink in the optimal conditions. Since a beer’s flavor profile begins to degrade the moment it’s exposed to the open air, this room is completely devoid of oxygen. Don’t worry, we’ll have breathing apparatuses available for use between sips to help you safely sample our beer at its freshest. If you begin to feel light-headed, it could be because you’ve been drinking an ale that consists of almost twenty percent alcohol, but it also might be because your brain is no longer being oxygenated. Remember to breathe through your mask!

We’re also excited to share that we’re planning the construction of a new brewing facility! Envisioned as a replacement for our current brewery, this new location will be even more out of the way, and also won’t have an address. It will allow us to produce one-fourth the amount of beer that we are currently capable of making, creating an even greater supply shortage. This move should significantly benefit our customers, assuming said customers value the quest of securing the Holy Grail that is our beer over the actual consumption of it.

And if you go through the process of visiting and it looks like you’re about to leave empty-handed, just let one of our staff members know, and we’ll grab one of the rags we use to soak up spilled beer and wring it out over your mouth. It’s not the best way to sample our latest batch of brew, but at least you can then include yourself among the ranks of people who’ve actually been able to try it.

Cheers!