I love Newt Gingrich.

Let us face some serious and undeniable facts here. A politician as deliciously sleazy as the Newtster should be cherished – if only for the scads of unintentional comedy his very presence in the national limelight inspires. As you might imagine, I have been following Newt’s presidential campaign – or what’s left of it – with a longing I’m hard-pressed to describe. I soooo wanted him to get the GOP nomination in 2012 I could almost taste it.

I was even contemplating sending the hideous old freak a check. I might as well not waste my money. It’s very clear to everyone (except Gingrich of course) that he’s not going to get his party’s nod next year – or any year for that matter. This “fiscal conservative” could not explain to Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation why he owed Tiffany half a million dollars. The base is pissed off at him – not because he is one of the most corrupt politicians of modern times – but because he is on his third marriage. It’s all over for Newt. Isn’t it a Pity? Now, isn’t it a shame?

Oh, but what a beautifully twisted campaign that might have been! Can you even imagine? As I speculated back in March (“Newt the Hoot”), the fact that Newt is an apparently sane, relatively smart (compared to the rest of that party) white man, he would have needed a screamingly crazy black woman with the IQ of a turnip to “balance out” the ticket. Unfortunately, there are no woman of color within the Republican party with any degree of national stature. And since Butterfly McQueen is dead, this would have left either Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin as the ideal running mate. What a fun campaign that would have been to cover! But, alas, it was never meant to be. [SIGH].

But fear not! There is still much hope for the cause of political parody in America. The good news is that the remaining frontrunners seeking to be the standard bearer in 2012 for the “party of Abraham Lincoln” (GAG!) are all ripe for satire. This really is is too good to be true.

Bachmann/Palin Overdrive

Tied for second place in “my dream nominee contest” would be Fascist Barbie and the twit from the north country – the aforementioned Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. The fact that the two of them are even taken seriously by so many people is all the proof one needs in order to understand that the wheels have come off America’s national political dialogue – and why this once-great nation has become the laughingstock of western civilization. Bill Maher recently described Michele as the candidate for people who find Sarah “too intellectual”. Wish I’d said that!

The possibility of either of these two nitwits being nominated is not quite as farfetched as you might believe. Due to the heavy presence of the half-wit/evangelical vote early in the primaries – particularly in Iowa and South Carolina – it’s not improbable that one or the other could gain enough momentum to breeze into the convention hall with just the right number of delegates at the end of the summer.

The dilemma they face is that with both of them seeking the same prize. they will split the uber right wing/Nazi vote between them – with the spoils going to someone like that nasty “left wing socialist” Mitt Romney. They need to make some kind of deal between themselves – and I really hope that they do. As a person who makes his name commenting on the train wreck of American politics, Bachmann or Palin at the top of the ticket would be a gift from Heaven. Okay, I’ll level with you: I realize that this is a bit of a long shot but I can dream, can’t I?

41. Bush

42. Clinton

43. Bush

44, Obama

45. Bush

Honestly, how idiotic will we look if the above listing makes its way into the history books? We’ll look like Land of the jackasses, don’cha think? And yet there are people out there who (with straight faces no less) are trying to convince Jeb Bush to go for it. To Bush’s credit (and I can’t believe I’m giving credit to anyone in that family), he has said over and over that he is not interested in running for president – in 2012. Say what you want to about the man, he’s a lot smarter than his older brother – which is damning by faint praise, I realize. It is obvious to me that he has every intention of running in 2016 – running and winning. They are quite adept at stealing elections, those Bushes.

For the Record

A country stupid enough to ever send another member of that disgusting family back to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will deserve everything that happens to it. Everything. Not that I’d mind though. I am one of the very few people who make under a-million-dollars-per-year who would benefit very handsomely from a third Bush presidency. During the last decade, the lower this country sank into the shit hole, the higher my stock rose. While George Dubya may have been the worst thing that ever happened to this country, the half-witted little bastard was the best thing that ever happened to me. You say you want another Bush in the White House? Go for it, dude – and thanks!

This much is certain: Not since Franklin D. Roosevelt was challenged in 1936 by an obscure Kansas governor named Alf Landon has an incumbent president been in a more enviable position than Barack Obama will be in 2012. On Sunday’s Meet the Press, Mitch McConnell implied that the Democrats should be careful what they wish for, that in 1980 they were aching to run against Ronald Reagan and that they lived to regret that wish. It’s different this time around. As jaw-droppingly stupid as Reagan was, he at least had the sense to surround himself with smart people. That’s not the case this time. That’s far from the case. The truth of the matter is that most of these people just aren’t that bright. I’ll give you a juicy example of what I’m talking about:

“And so Alaska may progress, I will not seek reelection as governor.”

Sarah Palin

July 3, 2009

As I said at the moment she made that remark, “What the ffff…,DID SHE JUST SAY THAT???” You bet’cha!

Had she been speaking extemporaneously, she could have been forgiven for a harmless slip of the tongue. But she was reading from a prepared text! And the extremely funny thing about it is that the little example of political oratory quoted above was approved by her handlers. No, these people aren’t very bright at all. Obama must have picked up a little bit of the luck-of-the-Irish on his recent visit to Dublin. Top o’ the marnin’ to ya, lad!

Whatever happens and whomever gets the big prize at the Republican National Convention next summer, I am looking forward to the 2012 campaign like an eight-year-old kid looks forward to Christmas. This is going to be a revolution of laughs. I’m giddy. forgive me.

Tom Degan