I’ve been thinking about leaving comics. Giving Fresh Romance to someone who can deal with it all, completing my current obligations, and then never looking back. In a couple years, people would be like “Janelle who?” and I’d maybe read a comic again. Or maybe I wouldn’t.

I love Fresh Romance, and I’m so lucky to have gotten a chance to make something that was entirely what I wanted to be working on. But running a business comes with a lot of stress, obviously. I knew that going in. What I didn’t expect was to be a critical darling that everyone said they loved, but with actual monthly sales post-Kickstarter going too slowly to sustain the business long-term. That’s really common in small businesses during the first year, especially in publishing, and especially especially in comics, but I think our critical success has led to the false impression that we don’t need as much support as other indie comics. I’m sure given the way Fresh Romance is talked about that everyone thinks I’m rolling in money, but the truth is that I haven’t been able to pay myself a salary, and only barely could afford one month to give myself a tiny paycheck when I absolutely had to. Thus, I’ve had to take on additional work in some way or another so that I can survive.

The Kickstarter raised enough money for five months of Fresh Romance, and with our sales we were able to pull off six+ months and promotional stuff and convention appearances. All the Fresh Romance money goes to the creators or to getting the comics out, as it should, but that leaves precious little for expansion. I wish I could pay them all more. When we had print copies of #1, they disappeared amazingly fast (including copies that we sold) and I was told we’d sell more if we did print, but in order to do print I would need to conjure up some extra money — or to not pay my creators, which I will not do. Comics has enough publishers who don’t pay people what they’re worth. I’d rather shut Rosy Press down than be yet another publisher like that.

I’m at a point now where to stay sane, I need to put a pin in Fresh Romance while I figure out what happens next. If any publishers want to purchase it, that’s a conversation I will absolutely have. I didn’t think I would, but frankly I’m at a point where it continuing on is more important than me having sole control. I’m also considering another Kickstarter, but that too requires time and money and energy that I am lacking at the moment. Either way, or any other way, Rosy Press deserves my best, not whatever scraps I can throw it as I deal with everything else. However it gets done, though, I’ll make sure that our backers and supporters get what they paid for. It might just take longer than anticipated. My top priorities with Fresh Romance are the creators and the customers. While FR is on hiatus, I’ll still make sure collections of the 60-page School Spirit and Ruined stories thus far get put out, although they may take a little extra time. We’re looking at a hiatus of a few months for FR, but I’ll try to be as transparent as possible about what is going on behind the scenes.

Unfortunately, I’m having to consider a day job again, because I’m about to have medical bills up the wazoo and I *need* to get better. Being unhealthy means more than just not being able to work on comics stuff, it means everything in my life gets put on hold. And managing my health is a difficult job at the moment, between my depression and my fibromyalgia, so I don’t know that there’s enough bandwidth for me to take on even a part time job and manage all my doctor appointments and my handful of freelance gigs AND run Rosy Press. I realized earlier this week when I needed to answer a doctor’s question about when I was diagnosed with fibro that I was literally diagnosed three days before the Fresh Romance Kickstarter launched, which at the time seemed like an added success (finally! diagnosis!) but really just meant I didn’t give my health as much care and thought as I should have because I was trying to launch a company. I’m trying to rectify that now. I’m about to have at least three standing appointments a week for my health, all of which are either physically or mentally draining. Plus, our cat Monkey is sick with what could be anything from a thyroid condition that requires daily medication or intestinal cancer, and we’re a few more (expensive) tests away from knowing what it is.

I could do more work as a journalist in comics (and outside of comics) but the truth is that journalism is not what I want to do. I only write what I feel like no one else will write, and when I’m obligated to write other things, my work suffers. I’m not a writer at heart. I’m an editor. That’s one of the reasons I don’t even know if I *can* leave comics. Editing comics is the only thing I’ve ever done for work that felt right. But there are too many excellent freelance editors in comics right now for me to be able to pull in regular good money that way.

And I’ve had friends so traumatized by this industry that it took them years of working outside comics to even be able to pick up a comic again. I’ve also had friends who are so smart and talented that they should be running this industry go outside comics to be appreciated for their true worth. I’ve had friends accept a salary that won’t allow them to build a life beyond paycheck to paycheck all for the chance to edit comics somewhere that isn’t the Big 2. I’ve watched this industry try to tear down everyone who ever tried to do something good and have no remorse. Comics wears you down after a while. No matter how much you love the medium, the characters, or even some of the people, it can feel oppressive and limiting after a while.

I worry a lot about letting people down. Not even specific people so much as just people in general. There have been a lot of moments in the last month where I literally would’ve rather died than let anyone down. When it came to stepping back from comics, letting my investigation into sexual harassment in comics go, and putting Fresh Romance on hold, more than once I thought about suicide rather than giving up those things that everyone has told me are so important. If I died, I wouldn’t have to admit that I wasn’t up for the challenge. I could just give up. I know people mean well when they tell me that I’m an important voice in comics, but it comes with a lot of pressure. I went into comics as a career because I thought it would be fun. I didn’t stay because it was fun, but because I love(d) comics. Now, I don’t know if I love it anymore, and I know that it’s not fun. I’m not the kind of person who can only worry about the surface stuff, though. If I’m in comics, I’m all in, and I can’t help but think about and talk about representation and diversity and all of those things. I might be able to work at an office job as a receptionist and not give a shit about whatever that industry is treating women well, but when I’m in comics, I’m all in. Otherwise, what’s the point?

A friend asked on Facebook yesterday about how to know the difference between working to do a hard thing or hurting yourself by pushing too far. That entirely sums up my life right now. I *want* to work hard at making Rosy Press and Fresh Romance successful. I want to work hard at making comics a better place. But at what point am I just hurting myself by pushing so hard? It’s taken concerted effort for me to not engage in whatever is the comics furor of the moment every day since I got out of the hospital. Sometimes I fail, and go online for a bit to say my piece, before I force myself to unplug and think about something else. If I continue in comics, something has to give. Whether that’s control over Fresh Romance, my role as an occasional journalist/outraged feminist, or taking on a day job and doing comics as a hobby… I just don’t know right now. As always, it’s all a work in progress.

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