Our Open-Plan Office Failed, So We’re Moving to a Towering Panopticon

Dear Bubble App Team Members,

Good news! In response to your “concerns” about our current open-plan creative campus, we are pleased to announce our new building: a towering panopticon à la Jeremy Bentham’s eighteenth-century vision of utilitarian corporate efficiency!

Right now you’re probably saying, “Whoa, awesome sauce!” or “Jeremy who?” Let us explain.

In our new office, all team members will work in isolated, transparent rooms called “Cells” on the periphery of a circular tower called “Synergon.” At the center of Synergon, management will reside in “Nest,” a glowing, elevated sphere of omniscience.

We know you have questions, and we want to address those.

Is this another fad office that we will do for a year, then give up when people don’t like it?

The panopticon is absolutely not a fad. It is an idea whose time in the tech world has come.

Why don’t we just go back to a regular office?

Our goal is to revolutionize the app-creation workflow, and one workspace will ensure that: Jeremy Bentham’s tower of unlimited surveillance.

Wait, wasn’t Bentham’s Panopticon designed as a penal institution?

That’s what we call a classic “Yes, but!” Mr. Bentham applied the panopticon to schools, hospitals, asylums, all kinds of buildings!

How will Synergon reduce the constant noisy distractions from the open office?

Cells are sealed with sound isolation technology — they will be quieter than the moment right after Daniel Finch’s wife divorced him over his speakerphone. (We apologize again to Daniel for how our open office contributed to his humiliation. We vow that in Synergon, all embarrassment will be more intentional.)

Will I be able to see you in Nest, watching me work?

No. Nest will be coated in one-way mirrored glass. And we are not “watching you,” we are compassionately evaluating your flow state. Mr. Bentham was very clear that, for objectivity, team members shouldn’t know when they are being evaluated by “the all-seeing, hundred-eyed giant.”

Why is it called “Nest”?

Great question. It is named after the generic type of structure where birds lay eggs.

How will Synergon protect us from the rampant airborne illnesses of the open office?

Cell walls, although 100% transparent, are impervious to all contaminants, including the rogue shorebirds that caused last month’s avian flu debacle. (Apologies again to Daniel Finch for the birds that chased him through the open office, attacking him for twenty harrowing minutes.) You won’t even need sick days anymore!

Why are the rooms called “Cells”?

They are named after the smallest structural unit of the organism. Cells are where life happens!

Won’t this new environment still be visually distracting, since I can see everyone working?

We will reduce visual clutter by eliminating unnecessary personal items and regular clothes.

What will we wear then?

Cool jumpsuits! Each suit has a unique configuration of colored bubbles serving as your team member identifier.

What about our regular names?

Names have been replaced by colored bubbles. Isn’t that fun?! Note: Do not lose your bubble suit. To quote Jeremy Bentham, “No bubbles, no benefits.”

What else will be in Synergon besides our workspace?

There will be a Jamba Juice.

This sounds amazing. Can I live in Synergon full-time?

Yes. Your cell contains a sleeping pod, a tube of infinite Chicken Wingz, and a relaxing BubbleStation game console that, incidentally, helps us create more apps as you play. For every algorithm you complete on your BubbleStation, you’ll receive two delicious Wingz.

This sounds terrifying and dystopian. Is it?

No.

Who will build Synergon?

We have hired the best and only architectural firm that understands our vision: Foucault Inc.

So Synergon is really better than the current open-plan office?

Yes. Synergon is clutter-free. It is holistic. It is minimalistic. It is way beyond organic (WBO). It is LEED, Energy Star, and Green Globes compliant. It is already a trending space in Wallpaper’s “top designs” blog. There are zero hiding spaces, so no one can ever jump out and scare you. (Apologies again to Daniel Finch for the incident with the company birthday clown.)

Once you enter this stunning tower of Jeremy Bentham’s fever dreams, you’ll never want to leave, nor will the location of any exits be readily apparent.

Our new panopticon will let us focus on what truly matters: every aspect of your lives.

It was our hero Mr. Bentham who said, “I envision a workplace that is a gymnasium of happiness, where every turn of limb is monitored for its contribution to the production of forward-thinking smart phone apps.”

Well said, Mr. Bentham.

Now, who’s ready to eat some Wingz!?

Sincerely,

Bubble App Management

P.S. We have just been alerted that Daniel Finch has succumbed to the bird flu. We regret that Daniel will never see Synergon. We know he would have loved it.