Last week a study done at the University of Essex concluded that all women are either bisexual or gay, but never straight. The study showed a group of over 200 women sexual images and measured their arousal. A total of 100% percent of the women were heavily turned on by other women, regardless of their usual sexual preference. As 100% of the study participants ended up being either bisexual or gay, it can thus be concluded that 100% of the population of women on Earth are also either bisexual or gay, with no exceptions. It would appear then, that for the most part pornographic videos have depicted women in an accurate manner.

Following the success of their first experiment, the University of Essex has conducted a similar experiment on men, led by Dr. Hubert Stratford. Dr. Stratford hoped to prove that all men are flat out homosexual.

A group of 300 men claiming to be straight were used for the experiment. They were comfortably sat down and had a mechanical device attached to their genitals to measure their arousal levels. A total of 50% of the participants tried to “kick the ass” of the male researcher who attempted to attach the device. A total of 30% of the men refused to make eye contact with the researcher while he installed the device, and instead opted to turn their heads in another direction while humming the theme to Monday Night Football to themselves. Three percent of the men requested to wear a condom during the experiment, all stating “not for my protection, for yours.”

Once the device was firmly attached, the men had their arms tied behind a chair, to ensure they could not leave part way through the experiment. Metal clamps were attached to their eyes to ensure they could not close them.

The men were then shown three straight minutes of hardcore female on female pornography. At the three minute mark, the video was instantly replaced with scenes from “Back Alley Bears 5,” which depicted large, hairy men engaging in sexual activities. The participants arousal level was then immediately recorded at the one second mark of the homosexual sex scene. The results were astonishing. A total of 100% of all allegedly straight men were sexually aroused at the beginning of Back Alley Bears 5, proving that all participants had at least some gay tendencies.

Next, participants were forced to watch an additional 30 minutes of hardcore homosexual pornography, without any breaks. Each participant was given a pill which they were told was to help their eyes from drying out after remaining open, however it was actually Viagra. Dr. Stratford explained the Viagra was simply to weed out any possibly skewered results from participants with erectile dysfunction.

Yet again, the results were astounding. A total of 85% of the participant’s sexual arousal didn’t decrease more than 5% during the marathon of gay sexual videos. Dr. Stratford admits that the men did “seem uncomfortable” during the viewing, and that some said they “wanted to die or end the experiment, whichever came first.” A large man, roughly 300lbs, was able to actually break his bolted down chair from the floor, and attempt to escape. Security guards were instructed to detain the participant by slapping him with extra large rubber dildos. “Technically this was not abuse of the participant, as he had signed up for a gay study, and what’s gayer than being pummeled by dildos,” Stratford explained. The participant eventually submitted to the dildos, suggesting that the man actually was gay as suspected, and a Sadomasochist.

For the rest of the participants, during the 30 minute mark of the films, a 5 second clip of a naked woman giving birth was shown. A total of 100% of the participants had no increase in sexual arousal level, despite the female nudity being depicted to them on screen.

Thus, once again the University of Essex’s findings were revolutionary. Of the 300 allegedly straight participants, 100% of them were sexually aroused by gay sex. When given the chance to again be aroused by the female form, 0% of the participants responded. Thus, the University of Essex has concluded that all men on Earth are gay.