Lunatic beats arsehole in Iowa Republican Caucus

Ted Cruz has defeated Donald Trump in the first Iowa Caucus in what experts are hailing as a victory for lunatics over arseholes everywhere.

Cruz beat Republican front-runner Trump with 28% of the vote, compared to Trump’s 24%, confirming that over half of all Republicans would be happy with either a lunatic or an arsehole as President of the United States.

American Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “Cruz’s victory is a bit of a shock, sure, but he does take many positions that are incredibly popular with registered Republicans – in that he hates social healthcare, and is a gun-obsessed god botherer.

“This is the strange thing, if you’re a Republican, right now a man who thinks the Earth is a thousand years old and denies that climate change is real, actually looks an attractive prospect when standing next to Donald Trump.

“That’s how low Donald Trump has take the Republican movement.

“I would imagine in a couple of months time a Republican candidate throwing their own faeces into the crowd will start to look attractive compared to Donald Trump.

“Watch this space.”