The Eastern Conference

Except for Party John Ramos' newfound ability to lift his arms above his head, it's been an off-season of idleness for the Wizards organization. Meanwhile, the Eastern Conference has been one of activity and movement not seen since Juan Dixon thought there was a bacterial outbreak in his locker.

Stout Bitch Skiles and his Bulls made a big move by signing Ike Austin's shadow, Ben Wallace. The Heat are the reigning champions and signed Dwyane Wade to a contract extension (though they still make his checks out to "Dwayne." Assholes). Orlando got a Christian-poet-backache in JJ Reddick. Charlotte hired Saleri to wipe out the hopes and dreams of an entire city. And Hotlanta threw tons of money at Speedy Claxton, a former Teen Titan (shown below).

Concerned with all the upgrades in the Eastern Conference as the Bullets stand still, we decided to ask Intern August Strindberg -- seen below learning the chords to Rudimentary Peni's "Black President" -- for his incites about this off-season.

August, are you happy with where the Wizards are at right now?

At this moment, yes. But do you remember how it was while the storm swept over us? Then you lay there like an infant in arms and just cried. Then you had to sit on my lap, and I had to kiss your eyes to sleep. Then I had to be your nurse; had to see that you fixed your hair before going out; had to send your shoes to the cobbler, and see that there was food in the house. I had to sit by your side, holding your hand for hours at a time: you were afraid, afraid of the whole world, because you didn't have a single jasmin live friend, and because you were crushed by the hostility of public opinion. I had to talk courage into you until my mouth was dry and my head ached. I had to make myself believe that I was strong. I had to force myself into believing in the future. And so I brought you back to life, when you seemed already dead. Then you admired me. Then I was the man -- not that kind of athlete you had just left, but the man of will-power, the mesmerist who instilled new nervous energy into your flabby muscles and charged your empty brain with a new store of electricity. And then I gave you back your reputation. I brought you new friends, furnished you with a little court of people who, for the sake of friendship to me, let themselves be lured into admiring you. I set you to rule me and my house. Then I painted my best pictures, glimmering with reds and blues on backgrounds of gold, and there was not an exhibition then where I didn't hold a place of honour. Sometimes you were Muggsy, and sometimes Gheorghe -- or Little Stevie Blake, whom King Hidi loved. And I turned public attention in your direction. I compelled the clamorous herd to see yon with my own infatuated vision. I plagued them with your personality, forced you literally down their throats, until that sympathy which makes everything possible became yours at last -- and you could stand on your own feet. When you reached that far, then my strength was used up, and I collapsed from the overstrain -- in lifting you up, I had pushed myself down. I was taken ill, and my illness seemed an annoyance to you at the moment when all life had just begun to smile at you -- and sometimes it seemed to me as if, in your heart, there was a secret desire to get rid of your creditor and the witness of your rise. Your love began to change into that of a grown-up sister, and for lack of better I accustomed myself to the new part of little brother. Your tenderness for me remained, and even increased, but it was mingled with a suggestion of pity that had in it a good deal of contempt. And this changed into open scorn as my talent withered and your own sun rose higher. But in some mysterious way the fountainhead of your inspiration seemed to dry up when I could no longer replenish it -- or rather when you wanted to show its independence of me. And at last both of us began to lose ground. And then you looked for somebody to put the blame on. A new victim! For you are weak, and you can never carry your own burdens of guilt and debt. And so you picked me for a scapegoat and doomed me to slaughter. But when you cut my thews, you didn't realise that you were also crippling yourself, for by this time our years of common life had made twins of us. You were a shoot sprung from my stem, and you wanted to cut yourself loose before the shoot had put out roots of its own, and that's why you couldn't grow by yourself. And my stem could not spare its main branch -- and so stem and branch must die together.

Whoa!!! Thank you, August!!! GREAT INCITES. I guess you liked the Oleksiy Pecherov draft choice after all.

You make Glenn Consor look like a brain-damaged mute. Which he isn't not!!!

Agent Zero is prisoner Zero

All hell breaks loose in SOuth Beach! Awvee Storey runs into traffic, Gilbert says "not without my daughter!", crowd screams "Hey look thats Gilbert Arenas! His butler has run into the street!" COPs shackle the President, Jared Jeffries drops to his knees and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" but nobody hears him because Jared is in Vietnam with his dad on a summer trip and his dad has just sold him into a game of russian roulette for 10000 DOng!!!

"Hey Pops what are you doing, lets get out of here really im scared"

"Di-Di MAO!! Di-Di MAO!!"

"I dont know what that means Dad! The war is over dad, Please can we leave I dont like this!"

"MAO! MAO!"

SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!

Now knee jerk sports analists all over are slamming gilbert for saying "Im a basketball player you cant arrest me" taking his quote totally out of context, and Mike and Mike aka espns CHUBB AND CHASER radio duo giving Agent 0 the "just shut up award" - eff you windchumps, you have knee jerk incites, you only have 10 opinions in life and they are on a revolving sports Viewmaster(tm) and you just rotated the viewmaster to the Livejasmin.cc picture that says "I HATE YOUNG BLACK MILLIONAIRES"

QUESTIONS:

1st of all, its 3 am Gilbert, shouldnt you be at home playing HAlo???!!!

Second,

"Im not leaving my teammate"????

What does he think this is, Red Dawn???

Its Awevee Storey!! Hes not your temmamte 4 much longer! in 2 weeks hes gonna be Lil' Reggie's teammate busboying at Appleebees!

What does Gilbert think this is some '06 Bonnie and CLyde shit??:

Gilbert dont you know Bonnie and Clyde didnt end well? Warren Beatty got shot full of holes, and Faye Dunnaways fate was even worse, she married rock star Peter Wolf in 1974. A teenaged Jeff Ruland felt betrayed, and burned his J Geils denim jacket!!!!

Third:

"Resisting Without Violence"

What kind of charge is that?

If that was a real law theyd have evidence on Brendan Haywood to lock him away for life!

These r the kind of crap laws that cops are cracking down on ever since SHAQ muscled Gundy Van Sapien aka SGT BARGEARSE out of town and became sherriff!!

FOurth question:

Will the Black President pardon himself??

Fifth

Why was Awvee Running into traffic for???

Was he trying to find his jump shot?

Did he miss sitting on a hard bench with other chaturbate men

Did he hear about the bumper vintage of Jahdi Whites Pruno reserva correctional wine??

Was he up 5 days straight with Agent Zero and zero winks playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City and thought he was still in the game simulacrum and could just boost a car?

Maybe he was trying to escape??? Was Agent Zero keeping him prisoner

We know Gilbert has a history of violence against RV, like when he hosed him down on the crapper and when he drop kicked him for laughs. What was that all about? I say NO to prisoner theory, i think Gilbert was hazing RV or was just flirting with him in his Chikity Choko the Chocolate Chicken the Real Coq Diesel ways, because Gil would look to RV sitting there with the DNP dancers on the GROUP W bench with his 10 day contract and Gilbert developed a sweet old SNUB CRUSH on short Storey!!!

SIxth

Is it true reports that say Gilbert had a massive maze of tattoos on his back and maybe this was like the show Prison Break and he had mapped out the escape in a tattoo to free Tru Wariors Chico Debarge and Rod Strickland?? No truth on this one says Miami PD, they say Chico and Rod are not in their jails and that Miami CSI checked the tattoos and they are actually the complete cheat codes for Banjo Kazooie . WHo knows the truth? I know the truth that in the Big House its better to be a 'BAnjo' than A 'Kazooie' if u know what Im saying!

WHO KNOWS WHAT GOING DOWN IN SOW BEACH???

One man knows

Thats right if anyone knows the criminal streets of Miami its GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR, former Miami Vice extra and current deep-cover very-plain clothes volunteer detective.

We have talked about Gilbert Seniors crime fighting ways in startling incites

Heres what Gil Senior had to say when we contacted him:

"OK first of all , I'm not going to say on the record that this is corruption, but like they say, 'If it smells like a duck...' and this one stinks. All I know is, if they were serious about this they would have ordered some speedboats. We all know this isn't about a couple of basketball players. This goes deeper than that. This goes to the drug lords, this goes all the way to Calderone. And anybody who knows a jai alai about Miami crime knows if you are going to bring down a drug lord, you're gonna need you some speedboats. They will deny it, but I'm on the case, deep cover. So deep sometimes I don't even know my own name. I'm gonna bring Calderone down. I can feel it coming in the air tonight oh Lord. Ive been waiting for this moment, all my life. It's gonna be like a Michael Mann movie you know, just two men locked in a battle, the hunter and the hunted. No wives, no girlfriends, no room for complications, because we are two men with a destiny like two uncaged animals. Two strong, cunning men, mano a mano, man on man. I will track Calderone through the streets, my streets, through the seediest back alleys of Miami. He will feel the hot weight of me bearing down behind him. I can see the sweat running down his back, breathing deep, the sole spotlight from a police chopper illuminates the steam rising of our full, dark lips. I can smell him, he knows whats coming, he's teased me but now he knows what's coming, I track him to the abandoned high school, through the halls, to the men's room. We are in the men's room now, I look under the stalls, I see nothing. But the hunt is reaching its end, I am swollen with anticipation. I kick open the first stall. Nothing. My nostrils flare. I kick open the second stall - nothing. The third, the fourth, my heart quickens. Finally just one final door stands between me and my flushed man quarry. I push the door open with my barrel.

"Turn around"

"You'll never take me"....

Just as Gil Sr guessed, The Miami PD does deny it!!!!!

"Mister Arenas is in no way affiliated with the Miami Police Department. He does not work in any capacity for any recognized law enforcement organization, now or ever. "Ronaldo Stubbs" is not an officer with the Vice Squad. Ronaldo Stubbs is not a real person. If the Miami Police Department was undertaking an undercover operation at this, or any other time, it would certainly not involve a 300 pound black man in pastel capris. Miami is a colorful place and Arenas is a big, colorful, guy. The tourists love his stories, and they like to see him talking into that big broken cellphone. But he knows the rules around here, NO police scanners, and NO hanging about in the public toilets."

If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all

OK so we havnt had much to say since Game 6 when damon jones reached up and pulled off our testicles.

For last week i stabbed a fork in my eye and left it in , this way people wouldnt ask mne "Why are you screaming on the bus?" they would see the fork and say ahh the fork! and go about their business. Also, my grandpa always taught me the lesson:

but like LeBron james, my Grandpa was a nasty whore so i got testimony to give!!!

SO as we know the series was a great fought campaign, and Agent Zero and the Queen dueled it out and everyone was being loved and there were smiles on the court, and then even thou he got bested in game 5, Zero even went into the Cavs soap stable to playfully tease LeBron and everyone was amazed by this maybe because ESPN doesnt program its robots to recognize "personality" , and then game 6 and its back and forth and back and forth and Zero calmy drills a 90-footer like an autistic assassin and the battle spills into OT and then Gilbert has two foul shots to seal the game and he misses the first but we know #2s a gimme, and Gils at the line in his special head place that he goes to when out of no where Queen james walks over and plops his mitt on Zeros chest.

WOAH DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME!

FOUL SHOTS MOST FOUL!!!!!

I mean its one thing to try and get inside a players head but another to go to second base with him!! Now gils brain is akimbo not because hes psyched out but because hes never been touched like that before and hes blushing withy new feelings and good jesus he misses the shot!!!

Bill Walton yells "The Body is A Battleground!"" but that was 2 hours before tipoff and now no one says anything!!!!???

What did LeBron say to agent 0??

at the time all of us at circuit city had the agreement that, he was being a good sport, saying to Gil, bro you gotta make this shot, you aint going out like this, its been too good the game for this rubbish cause thats what tru warriors du ...

BUT THEN we hear in postgame press conf Lebron eagerly admits it, he jinxed GIL:

"you dont make this shot yall going home"

But i guess we are not suprised now at this becasue, like we said last week, the sorting hat put James in the house of Slytherin and hes a parseltongue and can understand the language of mules and for motivational reading lebron doesnt read "WHo Moved My Cheese" or "Sacred Hoops" or "Manute the Center of Two Worlds" like other athletes but he reads Ayn Rands "The Old Man and the SHoe". Maybe LeBron cant even help it hes just a robot with no mercy built by espn dark science, he is like from the movie "The Black Hole" the red killing machine MAXAMILLIAN who only has one command and gilbert is the loveable OLD B.O.B.and BOB never stands a chance, but we know the moral of the Black Hole is that Black Holes have no conscience and that they distort the fabric of space and time and when LeBron goes too the bench at the timeout he looks over and Ira Newble has aged backwards and is now trying to crawl out of a pile of gameworns.

AND THEN

during the same timeout as he was walking to bench with look of disgust, LebRon grabs his throat and barks "F... WIMP!"

tru fact!

When i read this I felt bacon vomit in my throat rising up, i feel sickened, its like a species fear sick feeling, like when you see something horrible violent or the coldness and no mercy of natures darkest side, like Phil Chenier eating his young.

SO THERE ARE 3 QUESTIONS

QUESTION ONE:

Why is no one talking about this?

How can you cheer for lebron now? Its like cheering for tanks in the streets, its like cheering for Cancer cells : "DIVIDE BITCHES!!! D-I-V-I-D-E!"

Bird and Magic and even Salieri had famous first playoff moments when they become men and lebrons defining moment: winning dirty, dropping vile eff bombs and passing up another game winner.

This for the world should have been LeBrons moment and it was,

it was his JOHN KREESE MOMENT.

What in the name of Teats OMalley is JOHN KREESE MOMENT u ask??

'John Kreese Moment' is named for John Kreese, he is the vietnam vet who ran the no mercy CObra Kai Dojo in The Karate K. He was the no mercy sensei who played dirty and dirtier to win at all costs "an enemy deserves no mercy!" and when Danielson can barely walk he does the Crane move on Johnny to win the match, and even johnny pays respect and give props to Daniel for what he deserved being a good adversary while John Kreese keeps yelling and wnats to keep fighting and casnt accept it, and he stands alone, despised and naked in his true colors, as even his BMX KFu gang walks away, embarrassed shaking their heads muttering: "Its Over"

Like espn should walk away from Lebron now, "its over". lebron deserves his John Kreese fate, which is to be reintroduced as a homeless man in Karate Kpart 3, a movie like LeBron that critics called "anti-climactic and flaccid to the point of being entirely vestigial"

Only 2 People talked about it:

1. MICKAEL WILBON

I know! of all people.

Our feelings r known on wilbon and this piece is typical Wilbon primitive subsistence sportswriting:

"SHIFTING PATCH CULTIVATION" sportswriting

like a indonesian farmer Wilbon overfarms cliches until he has exhausted the soil then moves on to the next cliche and over farms that.

This time hes talking about "heart" again but at least he reported it!!

maybe hes mad that LeBron turned down his MySpace invitation!!!

2. PETER VESCEY

LOVE Peter Vescey. we love how surly he was on TNT before he got fired even tho he had just sprung for a new-money Long Island face lift, the kind you order off giant menu boards at the dermatologist fastfood style, Pete said "Gimme A Sag Harbor Special!!!".

But we mostly love the way he molests language: hes like a Prog Rock sportswriter

hes like a blind guy playing Pole Position, its exhilirating just trying to see if hell make it around the next corner! There something about his writing thats plain off, like a midget, and then he throws in a weird ambitious verbal twist so his sentences are unnatrual AND make no sense, like a midget with a lisp!

But Pete has our back, he calls foul on LeBron and NBA and advocates "vigilante violence"!!! COnstable Hayes, step aside and let the mob do what the mob gotta do!

3. FREEDARKO kind of wrote about it but like all serbian intellectuals he is too soft when it counts !!!!

4. OH SCOOP JACKSON WROTE ABOUT IT!

If by writing u mean just recycling the press releases from Nike's "I Am A Witness" campaign:

When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.

Witness

That's all it said.

Because that's what we all are.

...Just watch. Witness

Yes he really wrote that. You know we love SCOOP, cuz he mixes up terse minimalism with afro-maximalist aphorisms,

cause SCOOPS GOT MADLibs!

But with writing like this, i get the feeling in 1998 Scoop was the guy at your office who would spend lunch trying to retell in real time the jokes from last nights episode of "Homeboys In Outerspace" :

"And then Pippin says 'You wiggle them pointy ears at me one more time, and I'll beam you up where the sun don't shine! '. Haha, GET IT? Cause Pippin, hes the guy from the Star Trek show! 'Beam Me UP!!!" Classic!

Scoops not getting a ride in my space hoopty thats 4 sure

QUESTION TWO:

OK next question, DID LeBron put the WHAMMY ON GILBERT????

yes Of course he did the real question:

is what kind of whammy?

Was it a jinx, or a hex, was it voodoo or hoodoo? was it a Ninja death touch? Did he suck out his soul? Did he do that thing like in the movies where he touches him and suddenly Gilbert sees the ways people will die flashing before his eyes: his pitbulls slumped off the back of a treadmill as it goes THWIPP THWIPP THWIPP round and round; his dad dressed in a blue linen Tubbs suit being gunned down by Miami SWAT team; Patrick Ewing choking on baked beans; good god Juan Dixon in his antispetic beach bubble being swept out to sea!

This would not be the first time washington has been cursed.

1. THE GYPSY CURSE

there and steals from a gypsy woman. (He also steals gypsy recipe for "executive Nachos" -- just replaced the cheez with honey and jalapenos with the horse meat and its the same)

The gypsy woman puts a curse on Abe POllin:

"Your Big Men will forever have bad knees!"

The curse was accidentally lifted in 2004 when Jahidi WHite happened to catch and eat a live chicken

2. BILLY OLIVER ENCHANTS HIS TOILET

3. BULLETS BRIEFLY THINK THEY ARE UNDER LEPRECHAUNS CURSE

Then they just realize Jim Lynam is still living at the MCI center!!

4. ANCIENT CURSE OF THE ABORIGINEES

When ANdrew Gaze hears that Rod Strickland had "pointed the bone" at some people during a Steve Miller COncert at Merriweather he confronts Rod and demands "Where did you learn the ancient curse of the Aborigine?!"

But rod shrugs and says "What the hells a ABoriginie?????"

But LeBrons cursed hand is most likely 2 be:

THE MIDAS CURSE!!

Thats right think about it:

Golden! Foolish King!

And there is a part of the Midas Curse that many people dont know about buit that is Tru fact:

King Midas gets into a fight with Apollo about a flute and Apollo gives him the EARS OF A DONKEY!!!! and when he passes the reeds whistle out: "King Midas has ass's ears." I cant tell because i have a voice in my head thats been saying that same phrase since the Frog Fired The Prince!?!!!!

SO WHOSE TO BLAME????

I saw WE R all 2 Blame cuz we created this monster! Well WE didnt, we created the CHEESEBOOT(tm) , because we are artists not saleswhores.

But ameirca made the cash moose, made him angry and bitter and oneminded . this isnt what tru warior Malcolm meants by when he said "by any mean necessary" .

Its BeCause America FETISHIZES COmpettition, its all about the W except for a few brief sentimentally retarded Sunday at the Masters montages and halftime trubutes to paralyzed linebackers . America is all little stout fat schopenauer babies, waddling about in stain resistant pants saying "Money is Happiness!"

LeBron james is what happens from the Me Decade of 1980. and oh yeah also the Me Decade of 1990 and Me Decade 2000. he is what happens from NBA crony cpitalism. Like Marx warned: Lebron is no revolutionary because the revolutionaries get coopted by the ruling elite. ANd like Mark Price warned: LeBron is what happens when David Stern announces "Rape is Natural" at Read To Achieve seminars! Thats why Queen james is royal and why he is a single celled organism in a primordal soup of narcisssism. why should he eveolve? america doesnt want to evolve, america want to listen to Eagles Greatest Hits over and over and over until the end of days and Lebron is AMERICAS BIG SPIRITUAL CORPSE

but GILBERT ARENAS is an artist not a salesman, he is a player and not a politician.

Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!

Agent Zero cannot be destoryed because Agent Zero plays to exist.

He isnt governed by dollar saign but by the sign of SUNYATA, the LAW OF NOTHINGNESS:

"It represents a perfect circle, perfection, that is, within the limitations of the always imperfect material world. It conveys the sense of some-thing emanating from no-thing-ness. It represents the vagina, the gateway of birth into manifestation, and also the first moment of the creation of the universe, the big bang, when every thing emerged from the unformed vacuum point."

It took me 5 beers to see the VAgina but when you do you cant shake it, its like the Magic Eye Puzzle!!!

And now thiss incite, like the season will just stop like that.

Meantime:

The Daily Bacon is aflutter with offseason plans and mothering!

And we have the best commenters in town, like our good mate 'anonymous' who has the last word on those damn WITNESS commercials:

"the only thing I can figure that we are a "witenss" to from that commercial is the destruction of american manufacturing leaving a giant hole in the center of america that we fill up by eating agribusiness's carcinegenic biproducts, rolling through the streets looking for meth, watching coal fires burn on the horizon, and of course cheering the chosen one throw down a bunch of dunks while what appears to be outtakes from sokurov's days of eclipse float by in the rearview mirror. "