WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their bibs in anticipation as a deafening roar of smacking lips resounded across the country. “We want num nums for our tum tums. Open up! Now, now, now!” At press time, the impatient nation began banging their silverware on the tables, demanding to be served.

Advertisement