The Christmas holidays seem to have come early at The Mill given the tardiness of today’s tattle, but there’s no sign of such inactivity at Manchester United, where suits are busy trying to tie up a deal for the in-demand Red Bull Salzburg and Norway striker Erling Braut Haaland. The 19-year-old would cost United £76m – although Salzburg’s caffeine-laced sister club Red Bull Leipzig have an arrangement that would allow them to pinch the goal guzzler for a paltry £20m. Haaland himself is believed to prefer a move to Old Trafford, and if the transfer does go through he could be loaned back to his current club until the end of the season. However another whippersnapper has turned his nose up at a January move to United, with Barcelona’s 15-year-old left-back Juan Larios set to join Manchester City when he turns 16 next month.

Duncan Ferguson could still be effing and jeffing on the Goodison touchline when Carlo Ancelotti is appointed Everton manager, with Big Dunc in line for an assistant role alongside Ancelotti’s 30-year-old son, Davide. Meanwhile Everton could now be the frontrunners to sign Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who has taken offence at Milan’s offer of a £1.7m contract over 18 months. If ever there was a player who knows his own worth it’s Big Zlat, and he’s demanding double that amount.

Elsewhere, Bayer Leverkusen’s 20-year-old winger Kai Havertz is set to disappoint potential suitors such as Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United by staying at the Bundesliga side; Crystal Palace have no intention of backing down on their demand of 80 million shiny ones from anyone who wants to buy Wilfried Zaha; Stoke manager Michael O’Neill may have to offload several players next month to help satisfy the Championship club’s beancounters; Cristiano Ronaldo’s agent has admitted his client is in fact human and the time may come for the 34-year-old to retire when his Juventus contract ends in 2022; and West Ham striker Albian Ajeti has expressed the wish of probably every player at the club by confirming he quite fancies jumping ship in January.

Finally all Rafa Benítez wants for Christmas is a move back to the Premier League. The former Newcastle and Liverpool manager, who is in charge of the Chinese side Dalian Yifang, has spoken of his desire to return to England to be 5,000-odd miles closer to his family.