Beauty salons and drug stores are told to watch out for customers who don’t drive themselves but are dropped off and picked up by someone else. (If you’re elderly and need a ride, you might be a terrorist.)

Gas station attendants are told to look out for customers who put gas in gas cans. (If you run out of gas, you might be a terrorist.)

Construction sites are advised to consider glued locks as evidence of terrorism. (Definitely not a prank pulled by unruly teenagers.)

Dive boat shops are told to look out for customers who rent a boat for an “extended amount of time.” (If you have too much fun on your rented boat, you might be a terrorist.)

Electronics stores are advised to look out for those who purchase an assortment of electronic supplies. (If you frequent Radio Shack or Fry’s, you might be a terrorist.)

Banks should be on the lookout for customers who deposit multiple checks or money orders. (If you have more than one stream of income, you might be a terrorist.)

Hobby shops are told to keep an eye out for those who have an “unusual” interest in remote-controlled airplanes. (If you’re a hobbyist, you might be a terrorist.)

Home improvement stores are told to watch out for customers buying lots of watches or kitchen timers. (If you’re a chef, you might be a terrorist.)

They’re also advised to be on the lookout for people buying pipe, particularly in short lengths, or camouflaged clothing. (If you’re a plumber or someone who lives in the South, you might be a terrorist.)

Hotels and Motels are told to look out for guests who have lots of luggage and for those who don’t want cleaning service. (If you’re a woman who values her privacy, you might be a terrorist.)

Internet cafes are told to watch out for patrons who have more than one cell phone or who are seen switching out their SIM cards. (If you have a business phone and a personal phone, you might be a terrorist.)

Passengers and drivers on mass transportation are told to look out for people who have cameras, are drawing pictures or writing things down. (If you write down your grocery list while you’re on the bus, you might be a terrorist.)

Military surplus stores are told to look out for those who purchase a lot of meals ready-to-eat (MRE). (If you’re planning a camping trip, you might be a terrorist.)

Rental truck facilities are told to look out for customers who ask about how big a particular truck is or how much fuel it holds. (If you have to move a lot of stuff to your new house, you might be a terrorist.)

The general public is advised to be suspect of anyone who seems to be overdressed for the weather (if you’re cold, you’re probably hiding something under your coat) or anyone who is critical of U.S. foreign policy. (If you disagree with the current administration, that means that you want to blow up government buildings and airplanes.)