WASHINGTON—Dropping to its lowest position in thousands of millennia, the everlasting paradise of Heaven reportedly slid to sixth place in the 2017 Annual Quality of Afterlife Rankings released Tuesday. “For a long time, Heaven easily topped the list of places for souls to settle down after death, but it’s been steadily overtaken by afterworlds such as Valhalla, Nirvana, and even Aaru, the Egyptian Field of Reeds, which wasn’t even among the top 10 last year,” read the report, citing Heaven’s outdated firmament infrastructure and potholed clouds, aging and often dilapidated palaces infested with cherubs, and overall lack of opportunity that leaves perfectly healthy angels idly playing harps all day. “Interestingly, while Heaven continues trending downward, Hell—once widely considered to be too hot and demon-ridden to even be considered an option for eternity—has edged up to the 35th spot on the list, most notably for its addition of a scenic riverwalk.” Topping this year’s list was the blissful hereafter of Elysium, while being reincarnated and returning to Earth remained at the very bottom, a spot it has occupied since the rankings began.

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