These are fictional deep thoughts by John Gibbons written for your entertainment.

Introduction

How To Get Out Of A Slump

One thing to do when your ballplayers are playin’ like a bunch of ninnies is to trick them because as we all know pigs get fat, and hogs get slaughtered. For damn instance, I was gonna take the ol’ Capital City Bombers boys to Disneyland on our day off, but they couldn’t hit a barn with their little Minor League twigs, so instead I got the bus driver to take us to an ol’ burned-out ranch.

“Goddamn. Well ain’t this slicker than a slop jar,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” They cussed and cried, but I think that since most of them just fell off the turnip truck they actually thought it was a pretty damn good joke. So I got the ol’ driver to head on down to the real Disneyland, but the sun was starting to set in the ol’ sky and it was getting pretty late, so I told the boys next time. They started swingin' the ol twigs like men the rest of the season, now that’s how ya get out of an ol’ Texas rut. - John Gibbons

Making Decisions

Now here’s the thing folks, ya just don’t squat on your spurs. If you’re gonna lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas, and I don’t like fleas. Since fleas are never the answer, it’s sometimes important to be as crazy as a bullbat when making decisions. Ya gotta trust the ol’ gut and do your best to make sure ya don’t get a big hole in the ol' screen door.

A little luck always makes the gut decision make me look as smart as a hooty owl, but sometimes it’s just good ol’ fashion luck and I like ridin' the gravy train with biscuit wheels. Sometimes ya bunt, sometimes ya swing away, sometimes ya rest them, and sometimes ya play them and if the decision goes south, ya can always get as drunk as a fiddler’s bitch.

Don't Lollygag!

Now ya gotta do God’s will, whatever the hell it may be. And if that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum. You can take that to the goddamn bank you can. I believe ya gotta be as tough as a nickel steak ya do, and I want the good ol’ boys on the team to be so mentally and physically strong that they make Samson look sensitive. So I always tell them if you break your leg, don’t come runnin’ to me … that’s for sure.

It ain’t no secret that baseball is about as easy as pissing up a rope, and that’s why baseball has no time for lollygagging. And it doesn’t matter what ya do in life, lollygagging is about as ugly as Grandpa’s toenails, and workin’ hard is as pretty as a pie supper. So ask yourself this when ya wake up in the morning, are you Grandpa’s toe nail? Or are you a goddamn pie supper?

Don't Hoot With The Owls

I tell my boys that hootin’ with the owls is about as welcome in our clubhouse as an egg-sucking dog. It ain’t ever gonna make anyone hit their full potential – that’s for damn sure. The only ballplayers who fail are the ones who blame everything on the weather because that kind of thinking is as dumb as dirt and a box of rocks.

Now ya gotta believe that you’re worth more than spit because if ya don’t, well, spit you be. It’s that type of thinkin’, which gets people hootin’ with owls, but stopping the hootin’ is only two hoots and a holler away, so never give up. More importantly, don’t be like a blister that shows up when the work’s all done because come hell or high water you should always look to the sky – whatever the hell that means.

Fly With The Eagles

The truth is things are always going to go to hell in a handbasket before ya end up flying with Eagles – that’s just the way of the ol’ world. So when the baseball times get as dark as the devil’s riding boots, ya just stay on the ol’ saddle and ride through the tough times. In order for life to be fat and sassy, ya just have to grind out the at-bats to get there. It’s no easy road to the sunset, but it doesn’t mean ya can’t be as happy as a hog in mud.

So I always tell my boys that if that dark voice says, ‘ya can’t hit it’, ya tell that voice to cork its own pistol – that’s for damn ninny sure. It takes a lot of hard work and belief to fly with the Eagles. So sometimes ya just need some good ol’ fashion patience and take a tater and wait because with hard work and good Texas grind you’ll fly with Eagles and you’ll hallelujah the county, and sooner than ya know it, the Eagles will be there with bells on.

How To Beat A Bull

If anyone should read my thoughts about how to be as brave as the first man who ate an oyster, it would have to be that ninny Buck Showalter because that little boy don’t know how to shoot craps with the devil – that’s for damn sure. I tell the good ol’ boys in the clubhouse that to beat the bull, ya gotta be the bull. They usually tell me that line is from some goddamn movie, but I don’t think so – I know I thought that one up all on my own.

I tell ya folks if ya wanna get to the top of this baseball dog world, ya gotta be the only hell that your mama raised. The thing is if you’re yellow as mustard without the bite, well, ya ain’t got a goddamn chance. It’s also important to not be a chicken, and to not have henhouse ways because if ya do, bucked you will be. World Series champions are as big as a Brahma bull and as wide as two ax handles, so ya best be ready when ya step up to the plate.

And this type of fight is the same type of fight that the good ol’ southern girls from ‘9 to 5’ showed too – it’s one of my wife’s favourite movies. Now everyone knows with some hard work and little luck you can beat the bull, so ya just gotta hope some days when you sit on the fence, the birds will feed you. The thing is the bull has got horns holding up its halo, so ya just need to be as rough as a cob to beat it.

'Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.'

- Jack Handey (not John Gibbons)