Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence is known for his evangelical theories on independent women, femininity, and gender roles, and they no doubt informed a recent directive to his communications team.

A staffer in the department leaked details of the directive to The Halfway Post under the condition of anonymity for discussing the sensitive information.

Mr. Pence reportedly explained to his staff that he would refuse any and every meeting, speaking engagement and fundraising event in the state of Alabama due to the recent accusations of pedophilia plaguing Republican Senate nominee Roy Moore’s campaign in the race for Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ vacant Senate seat.

“The Vice President got really serious when he told us,” explained the staffer. “He said that Alabama must have the most devilishly temptress teenage girls if they could lure in such a devout man of God as Roy Moore to make him sin with them, and that if the allegations are true then Alabama would be a total no-go for him.”

The staffer acknowledged that it appeared Mr. Pence assigned no blame of the alleged sexual assaults to Mr. Moore.

“Pence told us that he still wanted to have a meeting with Mr. Moore, and he wanted it as soon as possible in order to fill up his God bucket with focused, Christian conversation. However, the Vice President made it clear that he and Moore, of course, would have to meet up outside of Alabama so that, in case he came across a teenaged girl on the street or in a store, she would not tempt him into taking off her clothes and touching her like the Alabama teens apparently often tempt Roy Moore into doing despite his devout and angelic strength through Christian faith.”

#RoyMoore[alleged, but most likely]ChildMolester

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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