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This is a follow up post from the piece I wrote a couple of weeks ago titled, “Men, what will you do when my daughter asks about her place in this church?” First, I want to say thank you for the dozens and dozens of well-thought out, empathetic and kind comments that so many of you left. It was heartening to know that in many ways, I can tell my daughter, and in effect, myself, that although things can look pretty dire for women having an efficacious voice in this church, there are at least circles of men and women working quietly and effectively in a myriad of ways for greater equality. I will try and include some of your suggestions from the comments here in this post, but the thread (at least part of it) is worth going back and reading through for more ideas.

This list, while collaborative, is by no means exhaustive, it is, in fact, just the tip of the iceberg. I would love to hear more from single women, from LGBTQ women, from women of color, single mothers, etc… I am only speaking from my experience and know I’ve missed so much. The issue of women’s experiences, lives and voices being better respected and heard in this church is worth unpacking. By necessity, there will be many uncomfortable moments as we learn to do the work of having hard conversations. And perhaps even more uncomfortable is resisting the urge to immediately respond or defend, and rather, acknowledge that even if you don’t feel or understand the pain that someone is expressing, it is a real thing. You may even be part of what has caused that pain, likely without meaning to. As people who covenanted to “mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort,” we owe it to each other to stop and think before reacting. To take time to try and understand, and respond, but do so with empathy, even if you still don’t agree. I am also aware that all the items on this list cannot happen now and may not be up to local leadership, but it’s okay to dream.

Read “Women At Church” by Neylan McBaine. Give a copy to leadership.

Read and use in lessons and talks and FHE Lessons: “At the Pulpit” by Jennifer Reeder and Kate Holbrook

Give daughters and/or wives full leadership over Family Home Evenings, family scripture study and prayer, etc… half the time.

Are you asking woman to do work they cannot actually do without your help? Like simply “step up” or “be more vocal?”

If you are in a leadership position, are you willing to call women who are concerned about gender equality to church callings or to speak in sacrament? Are you only calling women (and men) who won’t say difficult things?

Don’t refer to women who express desire for more equality (or posts like this) as “anti-man” or “man-hater”. Not true and not useful.

Don’t assume that greater gender equality in the church will mean that motherhood is diminished anymore that fatherhood is diminished by what men do in the church.

Young women go with the young men to give sacrament to those that can’t come to church. Let the boys bless and the girls sing and read scriptures EVERY time.

Let the young women stand at the doors while the sacrament is passed and let them keep track of who has or hasn’t gotten the bread and/or water.

In a marriage, let women finish school and/or do graduate/PhD work by helping out with child care, being flexible in taking out loans for both partners to finish.

Take time to really imagine what a dual career home would look like. If you are male, are you willing to consider taking your wife’s career seriously? Would you be willing to be flexible in your plans in order to help her achieve career goals? Are you simply assuming that she will always be home to take care of children? Do you consider your skills and abilities more important and/or necessary than what your wife would have to offer the world? Have you had conversations in which she could voice the desire to pursue further education or career and taken her seriously? (sidenote: if you are a woman and don’t want a career outside the home, also and obviously totally a valid and wonderful choice.)

If you are a teacher, consider who is speaking most in your classes and work to make sure that both genders are heard and have a safe space in which to speak.

Allow a female leader or mom be in the bishop’s office for interviews with youth and children (both boys and girls).

A specific and routine acknowledgement of girls when they turn 12 in sacrament meeting. And when they turn 14 and 16.

Take a moment to actively acknowledge your privilege and power as a man in the church. You don’t need to feel guilt about it, but you must acknowledge that it is inherent and you can make choices in all parts of your life to better include voices, ideas and leadership of women.

Read “A Walk in Pink Moccasins” by Carol Lynne Pearson.

Read “Mother’s Milk” by Rachel Hunt Steenblik.

Equal budgets and outdoor activities for young men and young women.

Consider taking on a girl’s scout troop or enrolling mormon girls in girl’s scouts.

Have the Relief Society President conduct sacrament meeting once a month.

Have female leaders on the stand during sacrament meeting.

If the wives of bishopric leaders have young children and their wives are struggling down in the pew alone, go sit with them, or invite a child or two up on the stand with you.

Make sure that there aren’t leadership meetings without a woman present.

Make sure that both names appear as first and last names on tithing settlements and things sent out in regards to tithing settlements. In tithing settlement, make sure questions are directed to both people in the marriage.

Keep distinct tithing records for contributions by husbands and wives.

Actively work to change the rhetoric about how we speak about women. (don’t pedestalize them, don’t speak about what they want until they tell you what they want.)

Actively respond with empathy when they speak of not feeling equal, even if you don’t understand how or why. Don’t try to fix with words or dismiss.

Speak openly and often of Heavenly Mother. Seek to know and understand Her and Her place in your own life.

Do exercises that imagine what things might look like if more women were involved and put in leadership positions in the specific areas you are a part of.

When singing primary songs about Heavenly Father, sometimes replace the words with a female pronoun or the plural “they”. (Ditto hymns.)

Go to leaders to voice concern or give suggestions about having more women involved or heard. Women can’t go to men in leadership roles and ask for more voice or power, but often men can do that work for them in being an ally.

If you know a woman (young or old) who is nervous about taking the lead, even in familial settings, encourage her to try it out and practice leading and using her voice often. Don’t dictate exactly how this is to be done. Allow her creativity.

Along with a father’s blessing, allow a wife to say or write a special prayer on behalf of a child.

When blessing a newborn baby, ask the mother of the child what she would like included in the blessing. Pray about it together. Take time to both write some thoughts.

When reading the scriptures to children, bring in discussion of the women who also may have been a part of the stories, even when there is no mention of females present (they were undoubtedly there.)

Before big decisions are made about anything in the ward, stop and ask if a woman has been consulted, involved or asked what she thinks.

When organizing events, activities, speaking in sacrament, stop and ask if both genders are equally represented, particularly if the single women are represented fairly. This includes assigning women to be the “anchor” or “keynote” speakers.

When teaching YM/YW in a mixed setting, emphasize that spiritual gifts are given to all regardless of sex or gender, and calls us (not just in an institutional setting), and that God empowers people who are called.

In other words, if the Holy Ghost prompts you to do something, God gives you the power to do that thing, regardless of whether it is your calling or your ordination.

Teach the distinctions between Priesthood as organization of men vs Priesthood as godly power. Never refer to men as the Priesthood.

Men speaking for women and assuming what is best for them without their direct input is hazardous.

When teaching lessons, especially in priesthood, proactively bring in examples from women’s lives and use quotes from women, whether current leaders or women from Mormon history.

In priesthood quorum meetings, draw attention occasionally to the all-male nature of the space. It isn’t normal, and we shouldn’t take it for granted. Reflect on what might be different if women were in the room. Amplify women’s voices into the room, giving due credit for the source of the ideas in question.

When you hear other men in Sunday School or priesthood meeting say things that contribute to the marginalization of women, say something, even if it will cost you social capital.

Women to women, be kind to one another. Don’t judge or speak unkindly to women who are struggling with feelings of inequality and vocalize them. Don’t silence or shame each other.

Respect the choices of other women, whether that is choosing a career, choosing to be at home, choosing not to get married, choosing not to have children, choosing to have lots of children, choosing to wait to have children. Say affirmative and kind words (at least in your mind,) until there is a real love and respect for someone who is different than you.