I left the job feeling confused about who I was as a person. I often wonder if I should have spoken earlier, but I'm not sure if that would have changed any of the events that unfolded.

A photo of a toilet on Manus Island, taken by Nicole Judge

What I do know is with no training, and at 22 years old, I was hired by the Salvation Army and flown overseas within two days of applying for a job via Facebook. I was then thrown into a system that I consider went out of its way to intentionally degrade and inflict misery on people to force them to return to their homeland. It is as simple as that. For a while, I too, called people by numbers instead of names, I too denied people shoes, extra soap, toothbrushes, rationalising that calling people by number was quicker, easier, and giving an extra soap to one wasn't fair to all. I would then retreat to my accommodation each night, and second-guess everything I was told.

I eventually found a way to work around the system, and not within it, to "smuggle" in a toothbrush or two, a deck of cards, or Panadol. I knew all along what was happening in those centres was wrong, but I had to pretend it was right, to be able to really help those inside.

It quickly became evident to me that those in power do not want to hear our voice, when as soon as I entered the senate inquiry room Senator Ian Macdonald began to question me on my political opinions rather than seek facts about Manus Island, in an attempt, I feel, to belittle me and waste time. I had come to speak about one thing only, conditions on Manus, my experience, and the death of Berati, but Macdonald had other ideas.