THE Conservatives and violent criminals have issued a joint statement stating that rising crime figures are nothing to do with the loss of 20,000 police officers.

The statement, signed by home secretary Amber Rudd and a dozen leaders of UK-based crime syndicates, agrees the 20 per cent rise in gun and knife crime and slashed police budget bear no relation to each other.

Glasgow-based narcotics importer Bill McKay said: “The Tories and us both know: the less police, the less crime.

“Getting a ‘serious telling off’ from a community support officer just isn’t the same as getting properly nicked. It’s too easy now to have a lucrative criminal career.

“I’ve actually turned to paragliding to get a bit of adrenaline. I’ll probably become an instructor and just do a bit of crime at weekends.”

Rudd said: “The rise in crime is due to low wages, benefit cuts, high rents, Brexit, income inequality, spiralling inflation and our fractured society.

“Stuff like that.”