I’m telling you, man, those damn Norsemen are going to quietly climb to the top of the globo-political heap any day now and nobody’s going to notice until it’s too late. One day soon, you’re going to pop in for a McDonald’s breakfast and find a G.D. whale, egg, and cheese McMuffin on the menu. Damnit, Chris, whether or not you eat McDonald’s is not the issue. What I’m saying is that we need to be on the lookout.

Think about it. Everyone writes off this huge country because they’re quiet and orderly and it’s freakin’ cold there so no one wants to check it out. Does that remind you of anything? That’s right, their comrades and neighbors, the Ruskis. It’s only a matter of time before Norway goes nutso like the USSR. It’s scary stuff, man, let me tell you.

Norway is a hotbed of self-importance, -satisfaction, and -aggrandizement. Although their domestic affairs are in tight order (i.e. government-controlled automatons), Norwegians are international snobs. They scoff at other cultures’ literatures and consistently yield better hockey players per capita than any other free nation, plus they recently turned down an offer to join the EU (ungrateful rabble rabble…), which first piqued my interest in the fjord-loving heathen. And I have a feeling they’d do the same if the U.S. ever extended a similar invitation, which would of course be an open call for us to invade. But did you know that only a few short years ago, in 1814, Norway reneged on a legal, contractual unification with Denmark? That’s right – they’re Indian givers, Chris. That’s the worst kind of givers, but I suppose you can’t expect much more from a race of people with Viking blood.

Plus they’re rich. Even though Norwegians use some ass-backwards currency called – get this – a ‘Norwegian krone’, they apparently have a lot of it. Like, lots. So much, in fact, that they can afford to give everyone of their pale-assed citizens free healthcare, education, and housing, with enough left over for universal manicures and chocolate on each and every pillow at night. Their financial might is going to impinge on American power soon enough, man. They’ve got what basically amounts to a monopoly on the world herring market, the power of which you would be very mistaken to underestimate. Think back to that Eddie Murphy movie “Trading Places” – the old dudes made their money not in gold or myrrh or whatever, but in pork bellies and frozen orange juice concentrate. Herring is the new frozen juice concentrate.

Now don’t get me wrong, Chris – I see that look on your face and you’re getting me wrong. I’m not saying we should nuke them, not yet. I’m no alarmist. The point is, an exploratory force of 10,000 or so wouldn’t be a bad idea, just to check things out. If nothing else, it’ll give our people a jump start on acclimating to the perpetual winter and sunless days that are bound to come when America is governed with an iron fist by our Norse overlords.

By CS Van Orden