Your man wants to have more often than you do, or you’ve lost interest altogether and he’s stopped trying to initiate.

You might worry that he'll launch an affair, see sex workers, or leave you. But maybe you can’t imagine that your mate would ever do anything that horrible. Sex isn’t so important to you, why should it be important to him?

I’m middle-aged, and I dated for a decade before I met my current partner. I can’t tell you how many times a man confided that his ex assumed he’d put up with no sex indefinitely. The way he tells it, she always seems to be surprised when the unravels. I say, “Wasn’t the lack of sex a clue?” He shrugs. Couples avoid hard conversations and pretend.

Maybe you're thinking that you're safe because he’s stayed with you so far. That may be true, but I heard the phrase “10 years” with a loud sigh more than once.

Typically, the guys can't believe they lasted that long and are thrilled to be out having sex.

Why aren't you in the mood more often? Maybe you’re not feeling sexy. Maybe your body has changed since you had kids, or you’ve gained weight or lost muscle tone. You may be making self-disparaging comments, hoping he’ll get the clue and romance you. I suggest you accept his cluelessness and be direct. Tell him you don’t feel sexy and ask him to act more like he did when you first met.

Maybe you’re focused on being a perfect mom and beating yourself up for every mistake. Ask yourself whether maintaining a good marriage is good for your kids. You may be overly focused on them and they will feel estrangement between their parents, even if it’s subtle.

Maybe you’re tired or overwhelmed. Again, direct, specific communication could be a godsend. Ask him to take the kids out for a day, run some errands for you, or clean. Ask for a massage, or dinner out. You may need more exercise or time to practice . Your low libido can send you important messages.

There's a chance that you may be . Open up to friends and family, try a book, or see a professional. You owe it to yourself and your partner to stay healthy and happy enough to engage.

Maybe your libido has plummeted, even though you’re otherwise content and satisfied with your relationship. In one study, more than a quarter of pre- women and more than half of menopausal women reported low desire. You could experiment with diet and exercise to strengthen your vaginal muscles.

Maybe he’s blaming menopause and you think the problem is him. There’s no point in arguing. In real life, most situations have more than one cause and our isn’t infallible. My personal solution is to try to do something on all fronts. In the end, you want , not certainty or the satisfaction of being right.

You can say, yes, menopause and…. and then address the relationship issues without the drama of assigning blame. Maybe you’ve grown apart. You want to be heard, known, appreciated—and you want to know more about his inner life. Tell him, and set aside time to really talk. Make sure he’s turned off all the electronics. If he’s still trying to initiate sex, next time say something like, “I need to feel closer to you,” so he sees the connection between talking and sex. Tell him you want tenderness. Don’t assume that what’s obvious to you is obvious to him—he may be feeling the same disconnection but for him, sex feels like the solution.

Maybe the sex was never that great or got routine. Again, be direct and initiate changes. Experiment and tell him what you like best. Go on vacation and try some new moves—then keep them up when you get home.

If he’s become unattractive to you, you may be angry or disappointed in him for other reasons. Maybe you’ve lost respect for him because he’s made poor decisions, neglected the finances, isn't taking care of his health, or can’t handle problems at his job or with the family. Face up to your judgments. Keeping him away physically when you’re angry and disappointed is a loud criticism. Are you unconsciously hoping that your judgment will make him change? Don’t count on it.

Your rejection will most likely make him retreat, lose , or go elsewhere. If you can, him, accept that he has weaknesses, choose to love him anyway—and seek what you most want in life and with your partner. This isn’t an either/or. You can embrace him and at the same time refuse to compromise on essentials.

You may need to drop some hopes. Then see what you can do to tackle key problems directly. Be specific and don’t attempt too much at one time. Your sex life could flower again if you feel like a team.

In the end, your relationship may not be one you want to keep forever. People seem to stay in sexless but otherwise reasonable marriages until the kids are older, say, or their finances improve. Based on my experience in the world, I urge women to work toward self-reliance. Men have told me too many stories of unrealistic money battles after a sexless era. I hear of wealthy women demanding that men who live on a shoe-string pay alimony for life. I hear of women so angry they refused to sell the house and allowed the bank to foreclose.

Clean up your finances; make sure your work and will sustain you. Don’t let yourself be stunned and outraged should your husband stray or leave. He will have his own time-table, however slow.

A version of this story appears on Your Care Everywhere.