One woman in five over the age of 45 doesn’t have children, but often it’s not through infertility or choice but because the man in her life isn’t keen

According to the Office for National Statistics, one woman in five today is childless at the age of 45, compared with only one in nine women born in 1940 (file picture)

They’d been together for 18 years. They were photographed with arms entwined on many a red carpet and gushingly described each other as the love of their life.

Then – bam! – in September this year Mad Men star Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt announced they had split.

Now 44 and newly single, Jon is reportedly thinking of having children – and no doubt a string of bright young women will happily volunteer to help him achieve this ambition. However, for Jennifer, 45, things are very different.

For her, motherhood is now unlikely. Not a problem?

Perhaps. But there are signs that at some point during their nearly two-decades-long relationship, she hoped that Jon might be the father of her children.

In 2011, aged 41, she said, ‘It’s funny – we’re certainly not opposed [to the idea],’ when asked in an interview about whether the couple had any plans for a family.

One year later, she confessed rather poignantly to the New York Times, ‘I never thought I’d be this age and not have kids.’

It’s a phrase that rings bitterly in Sarah’s ears. At 53, she is single, having divorced her husband Ed in 2006 after 15 years of marriage. The reason? She was unable to get over his refusal to have children with her.

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt were together for 18 years together before their split. He is reportedly thinking of having children

‘We married when we were in our 20s, so when he told me he wasn’t ready for children “yet”, it seemed fair enough.

'Then he said he’d think about it when he was 35,then when he’d been promoted and so on, until I was nearly 40.

'At that point he told me that he’d changed his mind and didn’t want children at all. I felt utterly betrayed.’

Women such as Sarah, and perhaps Jennifer, too, are the childless ones we rarely hear about. Childlessness is on the increase.

According to the Office for National Statistics, one woman in five today is childless at the age of 45, compared with only one in nine women born in 1940.

Yet it’s not always a case of ‘didn’t want’ or ‘couldn’t have’, explains Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, an international support network for involuntarily childless women, and author of Rocking The Life Unexpected.

Many of these women are, as she puts it, ‘childless by relationship’.

These women don’t have harrowing stories of infertility or IVF, they didn’t put their pursuit of a pay rise ahead of parenthood, and neither are they perennial singletons who ‘never found the right man’.

Instead they are often fiercely maternal women in relationships that they firmly expected would lead to babies, only to find themselves with men who can’t or won’t have children with them.

‘Women who are childless by relationship have usually done everything right,’ says Day.

‘They are the honourable ones who waited to be in a committed relationship, always took the pill and never cheated a man into pregnancy.

'Then the relationship finishes and they end up being treated like an idiot for being so careful and seen – as childless women so often are – as selfish, career-oriented and unloving.’

Sinitta dated Simon Cowell on and off for almost 20 years, from her teens to her mid-30s, even terminating his baby after accidentally becoming pregnant in the 1980s

Relate counsellor Peter Saddington agrees that childlessness by relationship is a common problem.

‘I see both men and women who want children when their partner either doesn’t, or doesn’t want them yet,’ he says.

‘The difference is that women run out of time much earlier.’

When men in their 40s and 50s split from a long-term partner, they can go on to have children with a younger woman.

In 2013, the singer Sinitta, now 52, had an emotional Twitter meltdown on discovering that her former boyfriend Simon Cowell, then 53, was expecting an unplanned baby with his 36-year-old girlfriend Lauren Silverman.

Sinitta had dated Cowell on and off for almost 20 years, from her teens to her mid-30s, even terminating his baby after accidentally becoming pregnant in the 1980s.

She confessed to a newspaper, ‘I wanted to marry him and have children with him. I think he thought he didn’t want children and he never would.’

She confessed to feeling ‘betrayed’ when she heard the news, saying, ‘There was a certain amount of comfort in my not having a child with Simon as he never wanted to have children. That’s who he was, so you accepted it.

'Then, to discover that he is going to have a child, only with someone else and they’re building this life together…’

Sinitta was widely ridiculed for her outburst, but Day describes her feelings as ‘grief – it’s really that powerful. Women in this position are grieving. Yet it’s rarely taken seriously. It’s seen as their own fault.’

Sinitta spent her fertile years with Cowell, then, when that relationship ended, struggled to conceive with her now ex-husband Andy Willner and eventually adopted two children. Saddington believes that many women tend to blame themselves.

‘Part of the problem is that because of their choices in the past, such as staying with a man despite his not wanting children, they can feel enormous regret’.

Some struggle to come to terms with childlessness; others pin their hopes on adoption, knowing that their chances are slim.

As Day says, ‘Adoption as a single working woman is particularly difficult.’

Simon last year with new partner Lauren Silverman and their son Eric. Sinitta confessed to feeling ‘betrayed’ when she heard the news of his impending fatherhood

Unlike Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock, who adopted babies in the U.S., in the UK you are more likely to be offered an older child from a troubled background. Day warns that this may not fill the emotional void that biological childlessness leaves.

‘It’s possible to adopt a child and then find that although everyone now thinks you’re a mother, you still feel childless – and guilty about feeling this way.’

Women who are childless by relationship, says Day, are often motivated by self-sacrifice: ‘For example, some chose partners with addiction or mental health issues that took up both of their lives until it was too late.’

Sadly, many don’t realise that getting well or sober is no guarantee that babies will follow.

Online forums are full of poignant comments from the abandoned wives of former alcoholics.

One says, ‘He told me he had to find himself and that I was too good for him. I’d supported him for many years, and now I feel very bitter.’

In fact, a quarter of marriages break up within a year of one partner joining Alcoholics Anonymous, according to research conducted by Barbara McCrady, former clinical director of the Rutgers Center of Alcohol Studies.

It may be no coincidence, therefore, that Jon Hamm went into rehab for alcoholism just months before his split with Jennifer. Single fathers aren’t the solution they might seem either.

Many don’t want more children – especially if they’re worried about the effect on the ones they already have.

‘Women fantasise that by becoming stepmothers they are acquiring children, but being a childless stepmother can be hell.

'You end up with all the responsibility and constraints of parenting, but with none of the natural authority or unconditional love of biological motherhood,’ Day points out.

Paula, 41, a teacher, is in that position.

‘My partner of four years has two teenage boys who are pretty demanding. I thought I’d been quite clear that I wanted children and he never led me to doubt that we would have them, but whenever I raised the subject, he would gloss over it.

'When I turned 40, I started pushing hard and he admitted he never wanted more children.

'He told me that actually what he wants is time for himself. We still love each other deeply and although it does – and will – cause issues and resentment, I’ve decided to stay with him. It’s not as if I could meet someone else and have children now anyway.

'But it’s hard. Although I know I won’t have kids, part of me still cannot accept it.’

Sarah feels betrayed by her ex-husband’s change of mind. Paula believes her partner was deliberately vague about children.

Day says she’s heard of men who’d had vasectomies and lied that they wanted children – even pretended to try for them. So how can men be so cruel to the women they profess to love?

‘A change of mind is upsetting, but it’s unusual that it’s deliberately deceitful,’ says Relate counsellor Arabella Russell.

‘We change a lot in relationships and, while we hope to grow together, sometimes we grow apart.

'Indecision about children can indicate doubts over the future of the relationship. But it could also indicate a fear that a child could be destructive to the romantic relationship.’

Such worries could be rooted in an unhappy childhood.

In 2008, Jon Hamm, whose parents were divorced, said, ‘I think when people come from a stable family having children becomes a celebration and I’m not sure it would be that way for me.’

Saddington says that sometimes what appears to be a betrayal comes down to a simple, if catastrophic, misunderstanding.

He says, ‘A woman might have been under the impression he’s agreed to have children when he’s 35, only for him to turn round and say, “No, I said I’d think about it when I’m 35.”’

Russell says false assumptions can arise from intense feelings at the initial stage of a love affair.

‘You are so completely enmeshed you feel like one person,’ she says.

‘In this state you can convince yourself, with little or no evidence, that your partner wants what you want.’

You might think that discussing whether – and when – to have children would automatically precede a couple moving in together, let alone getting married, but this isn’t always so.

The high cost of living and the erosion of social stigma means that couples can slide into living together out of economic necessity rather than a true desire for commitment.

Women can find themselves quasi-married, without ever having discussed anything more profound than whether to buy a new sofa.

They may then find raising the topic of children excruciatingly difficult. ‘Women hate to appear pushy or needy,’ says Day.

‘We are brought up to put other people’s needs ahead of our own, so if we sense reluctance, instead of insisting on a frank discussion, we may just drop hints.

'Women are particularly wary of being called a “bunny boiler” if they tell a man that their time is running out. But this isn’t desperation or being uncool; it’s simply being honest about biological facts.’

So if you want children and you aren’t sure your partner feels the same way, when should you raise the subject, and how?

The key time, says Russell, is ‘when you become aware that your relationship is long-term; when you discuss your hopes and dreams and it’s clear you’re going to have a future together.

'This is a good time to raise the subject of children to see if you have similar views.’

And if he’s reluctant to discuss it?

‘If there is any sense that a subject can’t be talked about, it really needs to be,’ says Russell.

It won’t necessarily be easy and, of course, you may not get the answers you want.

‘Counselling can help if you can’t find a resolution.’

But, says Saddington, ‘If you know you want to be a parent, you must have that conversation. Open up the debate sooner rather than later.

'Bear in mind your age and your and your mother’s medical histories.

'Don’t wait until you don’t have enough time.’

For more information and support, visit relate.org.uk and gateway-women.com

MISSED OUT ON MOTHERHOOD?

Nicole Scherzinger, 37, and Lewis Hamilton, 30, have had an on/off relationship since they met in 2007. After their latest split in February, Nicole was interviewed by American TV host Wendy Williams who warned her, ‘[Men] can have babies whenever they want. Those are seven years you can never get back.’ Nicole has confirmed that she wants children: ‘I will definitely get married and have kids. It’s just who I am inside’

Actress Kate Walsh, 48, star of Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy, always thought she would marry ‘and have three or four kids’. However, in 2008 she split from her husband, film executive Alex Young, and has since said, ‘I feel like a loser for not having kids. I would definitely love to be a parent. But I definitely don’t think I want to do it on my own’

Actress Kristen Wiig, 42, was married to actor Hayes Hargrove for four years before the pair divorced in 2009. She then dated The Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, splitting in 2013. Kristen has said, ‘I’d like to have a family. I would love to have kids’