Understanding leads to love. Really?

It has been said (I think by Wayne Dyer–but don’t quote me–) that if you really truly understood a person–where that person comes from, what makes that person who he/she is–you would love that person. Whoever said it–I believe it to be undeniably true. I’m not talking about “Oh, yeah, I know Jake; he’s a snake in the grass. Don’t do business with him.” I’m talking about understanding WHY Jake is a snake in the grass. What made Jake the person he is. I’m talking about knowing everything there is to know about Jake until you have that “AHAAA” moment of clarity–that moment where you say “Now I get it; now I know why Jake is the person he is.” At that moment, your heart will open and–seeing Jake for who he really is–and you’ll love him.

Rarely do we reach that point of total understanding–but we can take major steps towards it

Rarely are we going to see a person for who he/she is, reaching a total understanding of that person. Rarely, if ever. But we can at least open our eyes to clues that will allow us to love more freely and judge less. Clues to understanding. On that note, let me tell you about an experience I had last week. A real experience–that changed the way I look at an individual.

A true story that illustrates the point. I hope. We start with “the confrontation.”

This is a real study in interpersonal relations–first hand–from my eyes and ears to yours. I was out with a friend of mine–let’s call him Giff. We had occasion to witness (unbeknownst to the participants) a conversation between Giff’s 17-year old son (let’s call him Jake) and a classmate of Jake’s whom we’ll call Duke. Duke had been Jake’s bully and nemesis for years–all through high school. Duke had called Jake every name in the book, at every opportunity–and in front of anyone–particularly girls. He’d called him wimpy, fat, stupid, weird, and any name a thug can think to call a peer. Giff can’t stand the kid and listening to the conversation, I knew why.

This teenager was just plain mean. And he didn’t appear too bright. Yet he could throw a verbal punch and land it right where he wanted. For years, that punch had landed straight in Jake’s midsection. He generally tried to avoid Duke, but since they went to the same school, contact is going to occur. So–I’m watching first-hand what Giff has told me about. He wants me to see this first-hand because he wants some advice on how his son could best handle this bully. I’m watching and I’m thinking–mind going a mile a minute.

Next–In walks the answer

Wait, what was the question? You’ll see in a moment. In walks Duke’s mother. She looked at Duke and said: “Duke, I didn’t notice how fat you were until I saw you standing next to Jake. You’re getting to be a pig.” Duke looked at her and didn’t respond. He just looked embarrassed. But she didn’t let it end there. She said “Jake looks like he’s been working out. You might want to try it.” You could see Duke was embarrassed. He made some rude comment to his mother, trying to hurt her and defend himself at the same time. This back and forth went on for about a minute, (making its way to grades, knowing full well that Jake was a superior student and Duke was not) and the more the mother talked, the more her tone became mocking and snide, and yet she kept talking–at the expense of her son. When she left the room, Duke looked at Jake and muttered “What a stupid bitch.”

On the ride home, Jake told his dad he had no idea in the world what Duke’s mother was like. Duke’s mother was just like Duke–only worse. He said “No wonder the kid is the way he is. His mother IS a bitch. He has that right.” His father didn’t say anything. The kid went on to say “I always hated Duke because I thought HE thought he was better than everyone else. He always tries to put everybody down–especially me. But now I get it. He isn’t doing that because he thinks he’s better than I am. He’s doing it because he’s afraid he’s not. He doesn’t feel better than me. He feels worse. Who wouldn’t with her for a mother?” Without belaboring or repeating more of the conversation, I think the point has been made. The mother walked in and provided the answer as to why Duke is a bully. He’s been bullied his whole life. In seeing the interaction between Duke and his mother, Jake understood something about what makes Duke tick. This understanding took a lot of the sting out of Duke’s pathetic attempts to diminish Jake. Jake’s understanding didn’t mean he gave Duke permission to be a bully, but it did mean he could be more sympathetic toward him–and certainly less fearful.

If we only knew

If we only knew why people do the things they do–if we had a scintilla of understanding–that might lead to one more scintilla and then one more–and less defensiveness and less hate. I KNOW that the next time Duke makes a smart-ass comment to Jake–it will run off Jake’s back. Right off. He won’t be thinking “Why does this guy always try to put me down?” He’ll know why the guy does it. And maybe–just maybe–if Jake can take it and not give the reward of looking hurt or embarrassed–but rather laugh it off–just maybe Duke will be less inclined to be so mean. Just maybe. They may even be friends someday. Who knows? But this I know. The more we understand people, the less we will be defensive and fearful. We will be able to be more loving, accepting, and forgiving. And what happens when we are more loving, accepting, and forgiving? We transform our environment. The people around us will respond in kind. Will we ever fully understand another person? No, but if give it the old college try, we can make great strides in our interpersonal relations and in the way we look at people. And in turn, the people with whom we interact will make great strides towards the way they see us. Understanding and kindness beget more understanding and kindness. It’s a win/win!

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