CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events, reports confirmed Wednesday’s debut of The Topical, a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete. According to historians, mankind has depended upon crude visual symbols to represent its language as far back as ancient Mesopotamia, but with the advent of The Topical, the processing of information via the optic nerve has reportedly become a quaint anachronism. Whether you now choose to have your eyeballs surgically detached, dash your eyeballs out upon a stone, or shove your eyeballs down into the sockets of your skull using the firmly applied pressure of both thumbs is up to you, sources said. Leading media experts agree our subservience to the written word has ended, and all future generations will passively absorb information from The Onion’s podcast each day. In fact, an emerging consensus suggests this could be the last sentence you ever have to read if you click below right now to listen to The Topical, thereby freeing yourself from a dying culture’s benighted era of literacy.

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

