OTTAWA, ON—In a new report out today, Glen Bailey, a self-described "Expert in social trends and patterns", says that with more and more new laws each year prohibiting smoking in certain areas, smokers are rapidly running out of places to smoke and that by 2028, they will have no choice but to leave the earth.

According to the definitely scientific and unbiased report, smokers are "smelly, bad people and everyone hates them." The report goes on to detail how they "intentionally blow smoke into fresh babies' faces and laugh while they do it. They turn white walls into a gross shade of dehydrated-pee yellow. They insist their brand of cigarettes is the best, despite having literally no taste buds. They are monsters."

However, the report concludes, within the next couple of decades we may be rid of these "weird chimney people."

"First they lost the doorways. Last year they lost the patios," Bailey explains. "Next year, who knows? Maybe they won't be allowed to smoke on the sidewalk and they'll have to stand in the streets. That should quell their numbers a bit."

Bailey believes that smokers are outnumbered by their non-smoking, tax-paying, puppy-loving, elder-respecting, sunshine-filled counterparts and that inevitably, this "toxic tomfoolery" will soon be eradicated altogether.

"The way things are going, by 2028 there won't be anywhere left on the earth's surface where you can legally smoke," Bailey beams. "And then the smokers will have two choices. They can go underground and live like mole people, or simply leave orbit."

"Smokers in space" might sound like the premise of a bad sci-fi movie, but it's a future Bailey says he looks forward to.

"Maybe having to spring for rocket fuel will finally make smoking expensive enough for some of them to quit, but I doubt it," he sighs. "Let them go smoke where there's no air for them to ruin. Plus, I bet smoking in space is really dangerous or something. I don't know. I'm not a scientist, but I am a non-smoker, which means I'm smarter than a scientist who smokes."

We all have our own reasons for wanting to go to space... just don't lie to get there:

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.