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Ann Arbor, MI – Physicians throughout Michigan Medicine have continued into the third week of a bitter and protracted strike with no end in sight.

Following a contentious leak from the Environmental Services department, a copy of a purchase order for Patagonia Better Sweaters with department and individual name embroidery had caused a fervor felt across Metro Detroit. It wasn’t previously believed to be possible for doctors to strike on account of patient care being of utmost importance, but it seems this was the straw that broke the camel’s back within the community. Physicians have since abandoned their posts throughout the hospital system and patient satisfaction scores are expected to nosedive.

The Director of Environmental services, Jeff Halstead, has been assigned 24-hour security by the hospital after receiving several death threats since being spotted donning his jacket in the basement last Tuesday.

“I just get so cold down here. The loading docks and vast open hallways allow heat to escape all day,” Hallstead explained, “These jackets were the only solution I could find!”

Anesthesiology chief resident Alexei McAlister had heard enough. “First they came for our white coats, and I did not speak out. Then they came for our stethoscope holsters, and I —” Our interview with Dr. McAlister was cut short as he was called into the OR to relieve a nurse for lunch.

We caught up with patient TRAUMAGARY to understand the real-life repercussions of this medical mishap.

“Ya know, I hardly noticed there was a strike. There’s still doctors everywhere! I even saw a doctor changing that garbage behind you not 5 minutes ago. He had a nice jacket over his scrubs and everything!”

Reports of Michigan’s protest have since inspired other hospital systems across the Midwest to quickly draw up legislation related to embroidered jackets in hospitals. UPMC has mandated only attending doctors wear Arc’teryx, residents wear Patagonia, and medical students wear The North Face. The Cleveland Clinic has outright banned any article of clothing with a zipper to be worn in patient areas.

Check back this week for more updates on the ongoing War for Outerwear.