Name: Mark Wahlberg.

Age: 46.

Appearance: Contrite potato.

Why contrite? The actor is seeking almighty God’s forgiveness.

For what? For being in a film.

He’s an actor. Does he do this every time? A specific film. Speaking recently at a Catholic conference in Chicago, Wahlberg said: “I just always hope that God is a movie fan and also forgiving, because I’ve made some poor choices in my past.” When asked to elaborate, he said: “Boogie Nights is up there at the top of the list.”

Wasn’t Boogie Nights both financially successful and critically acclaimed? Did it not set the former Marky Mark on the road to box-office bankability, and on to producing such series as Entourage? Yes. It is probably the subject matter that Wahlberg regrets; he played a 70s porn actor trying to make it big in the industry.

So what? It’s a film. Wahlberg is a practising Catholic, hence his appearance at the conference.

He ought to be on his knees apologising for those two Transformers movies. Indeed. If Boogie Nights is at the top, he needs to rethink his list.

And what about Ted, and the sequel to Ted? I wouldn’t take my parish priest to see either of those. Wahlberg did once beg Pope Francis’s pardon for Ted at an event in Philadelphia in 2015. “Holy Father, please forgive me,” he said.

What did the pope do? He looked a bit perplexed.

Wahlberg really has the contrition habit, then. He has much to be contrite for. As a teenager he was frequently in trouble.

Vandalism, that sort of thing? No. Unprovoked violence, including a racially charged attack on a Vietnamese man, that sort of thing. Wahlberg served 45 days of a two-year prison sentence.

Eeesh. May God forgive him. Actually, in 2014 he sought the forgiveness of the State of Massachusetts, petitioning for a full pardon.

On what grounds? On the grounds that he was really sorry, and that he wanted to become a probation officer, and also obtain alcohol licences for his family restaurant chain Wahlburgers.

How did that go? Bad publicity ensued, Wahlberg said he regretted asking, and the matter was quietly dropped.

Do say: “Always apologise, always explain.”

Don’t say: “God hasn’t forgotten about the Entourage movie either, by the way.”