CN: Graphic description of rape.

I still remember the crisp fall afternoon that I got the news that would change my life forever. As I read through comment after comment on MySpace, I saw both people I knew and complete strangers discussing what had happened to me a few months earlier.

I’ll never forget the way it felt like my body was melting into the floor and turning to ice, all at once. The sights and noise around me started to blur and I could only think one thing: there is no possible way that these people could have known the most intimate, graphic details of my assault… unless they were there. That’s when the horrific reality hit me: they *were* there, just not at the time.

How is that possible? A website called PornHub allowed my attackers to upload six videos of my rape at age fourteen, and then refused to take them down, even as I pled daily for over six months.

Immortalizing Trauma

The night I was raped, I was so desperate to escape that at one point I tried to jump out of the third-story window to get away. As punishment, I was stabbed while still hanging halfway out the window. I remember feeling the hot summer air on my face and wondering if it would be the last time I would ever experience it. Moments after, one of my attackers began to choke me from behind. I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke up to the two of them raping me at the same time in different parts of my body, the cameraman filming it once again.

As I type this, my left hand traces my scar. I can feel the rippled, raised skin that’s now a silvery color; it’s a visceral reminder to breathe, to inhale and exhale twice as deeply. It’s something I don’t take for granted, as the ability to do so was stolen from me repeatedly over the course of that night.

What should have been a horrific trauma I could grieve over and process privately, was instead viewed and used as masturbation material by millions. The comments were filled with things like “little Pocahontas getting fucked” and men discussing how it “took away from the fantasy” that I was wearing normal clothing and not “an Indian costume.” I lost count of how many comments contained my real name, age, and the city where I lived.

The role that technology played in my attack not only immortalized the worst night of my life, but made it so that I had no escape from the trauma. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to feel safe and begin to heal. I was backed into a corner.

Every time I watched the view count rise, it felt like one more person was raping me. I couldn’t escape, whether in person, online, or even in my dreams. My nightmares consisted of me re-living that night, but instead of just being alone with my attackers and the cameraman, the room was filled with men laughing at me and masturbating.

The first time I had that particular dream, I woke up screaming so loudly that one of my family members came running because he believed someone had broken in and was hurting me again.

In the words of Avri Sapir, my best friend and fellow child porn survivor: “I have to live with the knowledge that my abuse will never end, and that every second of every day, someone could be – almost certainly is – watching my torture and abuse. Even once I’m dead, my degradation will continue. I will never be able to escape it. This trauma is infinite.”

A Platform Problem

A lot of people ask me why I focus so much on PornHub’s role in my rape. Following my story with BBC World News getting a global front page pickup in over 40 languages, I’ve been contacted by survivors all over the world who have been victimized not only by PornHub, but also many other sites- most of them owned by PornHub’s parent company MindGeek.

I met my best friend Avri for the first time right after she read about my story, and her message gave me all the motivation I needed to continue speaking up even when things got so painful and I just wanted to hide from the world. This is what she said to me: “Hi, I hope you don’t mind me reaching out…I’ve never found another survivor before and it just really means so much to me that you came out publicly about what happened to you. No one’s ever done that before, and it made me feel like I’m the only one going through it even though I know for a fact I’m not. But no one talks about it, no one wants to talk about it or even think about it, and it’s so isolating and painful. So it means so much that you’re talking about it publicly, with your face and your name and your story, unashamed and people are actually listening! Thank you so much.” Her message meant everything to me and made me thankful that I had the opportunity to share my story so publicly, that I went with my gut feeling and waived my right to remain anonymous.

My own attackers had many, many other victims, and a lot of those victims were also uploaded to PornHub. When I impersonated a lawyer — at age fifteen — as a last resort to get the videos of my assault removed, I also used my “lawyer voice” to get the videos of other victims of my same attackers removed. I knew what it felt like to be treated like “someone else’s problem,” and I refused to treat the other girls that way. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night knowing that I had successfully removed my own videos, but turned away while theirs stayed up.

When it comes to PornHub and MindGeek, the only solution is to shut them down. Further regulation will not work, because PornHub has time and time again refused to cooperate. They instead choose to use their platform to gaslight, harass, slander, and intimidate victims who come forward, and to incite others to do the same. They respond abrasively to scared children and adults reaching out to them for help removing non-consensual content, while actively encouraging them not to report to law enforcement and outside agencies from their official reddit page.

The bare minimum that these platforms could do is to verify both age and consent of all parties involved, and to remove videos immediately once they are flagged or reported. When six videos of my rape at age fourteen were on PornHub, more and more ads kept popping up around the highest viewed videos- to be perfectly clear about what that means, PornHub was increasingly monetizing videos of my rape all the while I was begging them to take them down. The money made from those videos should be paid to the victims of the specific videos, as well as these companies being fined for allowing these videos to be uploaded in the first place.

Please Don’t Look Away

I know that my story is difficult to hear, but I am asking you to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with me. I need you to care, and I need you to speak up with me. I have to go to sleep every night wondering how many of the millions of men who watched six videos of my rape at age fourteen downloaded those videos before they were finally removed.

There is no reason whatsoever why our attackers should be able to weaponize technology against us to further traumatize us. There is no reason why a website should be allowed to profit from the physical evidence of rape, including that of children like the child I once was. I need you to shout with me, because while it is easy to mute a single victim, it’s nearly impossible to block a tidal wave of voices and echoes from every corner of the world.

Our collective voices have and will continue to shake the world, and to disrupt those who profit off of rape. I want every person who has stood with us, protested, and boycotted Mindgeek to know that you are making a very tangible difference. If victims are the heartbeat of this movement, you are the lungs breathing life into it.

Our rapists and our traffickers are counting on you looking away, so please don’t ever forget about us.