BENEATH WASHINGTON, D.C. (Associated Press)

Today, the Necromancers’ Guild Of The Hellbound (NGOTH) held a press conference in a refurbished cave beneath the intersection of two leylines in Washington, D.C., to criticize the “recent & horrifying revelations” that the US government has lost nearly 1500 migrant children.

NGOTH spokesmage Kangaxx the Undying got straight to his point:

“We, a council of evil wizards dedicated to defiling the dead in order to gain unlimited power, can no longer stand idly by while the immigration & ‘defense’ agencies of this country commit legalized genocide, which is way, way more evil than anything we would ever even dream of. The Guild calls for an immediate halt to all family separations, pending a thorough & public review of the HHS & DHS’s policies & procedures. We also call upon Myrkul, Lloth, & Bhaal, the Triune Lords of Death, to establish an independent oversight panel with special prosecution powers, on top of their normal murder powers, to punish the disgusting, vile people responsible for these abhorrent & intentional practices.”

A reporter from the New York Times then questioned whether necromancers could “reasonably assert any moral credibility,” given that “immoral death magic” is “basically their whole deal.” He further pressed NGOTH Vice Chairwoman Kee’Nara Corpse-Singer on recent allegations surrounding “the excavation of cadavers for nefarious purposes.” (As previously reported, the allegations include: raising zombies to circumvent labor laws; flaying corpses to compile skin-bound tomes of perverse knowledge; & grinding teeth into bone-meal, to bake what Twitter users call “dead bread”).

Ms. Corpse-Singer responded that “Though, aye, [she] may use the dead to profit the living,” she does not “systematically destroy families” using “structural & personal racism,” and so “by comparison, [she’s] basically a saint.” She further added that “targeting children is about as low as one can go,” and that it “belies the fundamental wickedness & cowardice of the kind of people who would ever work for an agency like ICE.”

“The targeting of children…belies the fundamental wickedness & cowardice of the kind of people who would ever work for an agency like ICE.”

A reporter from INFOWARS.com attempted to follow up, but Chairwoman Corpse-Singer’s eyes flashed a sickly yellow, the room’s torches flickered, & the reporter’s mouth melted away; thus leaving him unable to scream, or to harass grieving families by claiming school shootings are hoaxes.

Then Mad Count Lorban, the Guild’s VP of Insanity & Marketing, suddenly cried out & shoved Mr. Kangaxx away from the podium, all while surrounded by the swirling, shrieking souls of the restless dead. He seized the microphone, delivering the following riddle-statement:

“Hark, hark, Man and Beast!,

An ill-met Guest has come to feast.

Bringing Fear to Hearth and Home,

Cleaving in twain what should be One.

Little Seats he saves for those he takes,

Little Cells he builds; little Hearts, he shakes.

A wicked Blossom grows ‘neath his Thumb,

A strange Flower that wilts in the Light of the Sun.

His Job is done when None are left,

Outside Uncle Sam’s wicked white Weft. […]”

(A full transcript is available upon request.)

After seventeen further minutes of riddling, a Teen Vogue correspondent present at the conference deduced that the answer was “the entire immigration apparatus, which, since even before 1776, has been dedicated to upholding systemic racism, & which to this day enforces white supremacy with cruel & brutal efficiency; particular attention must be paid to the astonishing revelation that the government has special prison buses full of carseats for transporting the detained — i.e. kidnapped — infants.”

We will update this story if AP riddle-masters are able to confirm Teen Vogue’s interpretation. AP also reached out to embattled DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who has yet to respond.