Ladies and gentlemen of the Greek community, we are in the midst of a horrific plague. No, I’m not talking about a repeat of the ‘09 herpes scare that left your house in nervous and itchy shambles (for future reference: sometimes it’s only a swarm of bed bugs getting a little too friendly). And for once, believe it or not, I’m not even speaking of about the endless scourge of vocal young liberals who plan to regurgitate their agendas until every privately owned weapon in the country is replaced with a sticky grape flavored blunt.

No my friends, this fast-spreading epidemic has nothing to do with genitalia or politics. This column is about a genre of music that is sweeping the ecstasy craving youth of America into a laser lit tornado. Today, we’re going to examine a few reasons this sweeping new craze of Electronic Dance Music is ruining the state of modern music one grueling fax machine squeal at a time.

Idiotic DJ Names

While this may not be the case for all of our readers, here in Florida it seems a new popular EDM “artist” springs up damn near every day. What do all of these goofy mismatches of humanity have in common? Besides the basic understanding of a computer program, these guys all seem to be have names that sound straight out of your neighborhood porn shop’s buttplug aisle.

You might think I’m just exaggerating this fact, but since you guys know I love lists, I’d like to show you just how right I am. Here are a few “artists” with names that sound more like sex toys, and trust me when I say there are more where these came from: Afrojack, Breach, Max Enforcer, Excision, Dirtyphonics, Mr. Skeleton, Gigamesh, Delta Heavy.

Okay, fine. You can’t judge an entire genre just because of a few DJ’s whose names sound like particularly menacing dildos. Luckily, I’m just getting started.

Drugs Are The Only Reason It’s Popular

We’ve finally arrived at the core of the laughably pathetic EDM scene. While so many fans are in denial about this universal fact, all we need to do is look at the reality of the situation. If most fans can’t attend a concert without snorting, popping, and smoking as many drugs as their self-loathing bodies will allow, maybe the genre isn’t all that good to begin with?

Of course the music sounds good when the rims of your nostrils are lined with pure, crystallized MDMA. I could play “Gangnam Style” in a room full of Mollied up EDM fans, and by the second verse I guarantee each and every one of them would be having the time of their lives. By the end of the song I could probably convince them the song was actually a symbolic anthem regarding the struggle of a divided Korea. Do all the drugs you want, they can be a hell of a time, but don’t let those substances convince you that this music is any better than listening to a glorified Mrs. Pac Man soundtrack.

The Only Instrument Is A “Play” Button

Have you ever seen what an EDM performer actually looks like during a concert? Typically he’s out there having a hell of a time: clapping his hands, popping champagne, sometimes even grabbing a little boobage during an impromptu crowd surf. You know what all of these things have in common? Someone who was actually performing music for you couldn’t fucking do them.

While the degree of activity varies by which DJ you’re talking about, every single one has a full mix kit in front of him with turntables and all sorts of other technology lacking any real purpose. Even the guys who seem most into it probably just have their MacBook stored away in the cupboard below. There is no such thing as “live” EDM music; there are only psychedelic laser dance parties.

It’s Almost All The Same

This final and most important point is also the one that will surely rustle the most jimmies of the pro-EDM community. I can hear them already.

“No way man, you can’t compare someone like DJ Blue Waffle to DJ Calisthenics. That’s like comparing apples and oranges soaked in LSD!”

Easy there, champ. Your dopamine receptors might be fried from your biweekly snorting sprees, but let’s take an honest look at the music here. Every single song follows the exact same format. From the generic (typically) female vocal sample in each song’s beginning, to the inevitable drum-snare-highhat buildup just before the drop, it’s safe to say that the first 60 seconds of every EDM song are just about identical. By the time the drop hits (and the entire crowd’s drugs come kicking in) the only thing that matters is giving the audience a fat bass-line combined with sounds that makes it seem like the entire room is connecting to AOL Dial Up for the first time.

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