You Will Receive:

metrolyrics.com

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Which Means You Now Own:

Total First Year Cost: $579,200

"What is this sound that intoxicates me so?" You wake up asking yourself that very question on Day 12, soon realizing that the calming drone of the previous day's pipers has been emboldened by the addition of 11 more pipers and a backing of 12 drummers. It sounds like a late-'90s Missy Elliott song. You're captivated by the sound.

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More lords arrive with the drummers, and, as always, they brought more ladies. And more birds. There are so many birds. Are the people bringing the birds, or are the birds bringing the people? This thought consumes you for as long as it takes the sweet sounds of that army of bagpipes and drums to once again wash away all your cares. You love that sound. You are that sound. You want that ring.

There are enough to go around -- exactly 40, counting the ones you pawned. Now that you have an army those should be easy to get back. Sure, there are 140 people, but at least 100 of them haven't even sort of been living in a way that pleases the sound. Soon those pipes and drums will become instruments of war, vanquishing all those who refuse to accept its authority. You will not be one of those people. You will do your part. You will contribute. You will care for 12 partridges, 22 doves, 30 hens, 36 calling birds, 42 geese, and 42 swans. You will provide shelter for 40 maids, 36 dancers, 30 lords, 22 pipers, and 12 drummers. You will buy those 40 maids 40 cows. You will accept the offensive odor of 12 pear trees. You will spend $579,200. You will have a golden ring. You fall asleep reassuring yourself that having a golden ring bestowed upon you by the appointed representatives of your true love is your destiny. It always has been. You fall asleep happy. You're home now. Merry Christmas.

For more on terrible wastes of money, check out The 7 Worst Gifts People Seem to Give Every Christmas. And then check out The 30 Most Incredible Gifts You Can Actually Buy.

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