New Evidence Suggests Cain Killed Abel After Five-Hour Game Of Monopoly

WORLD—New textual evidence suggests that Cain killed Abel during a dispute that erupted after a five-hour-long game of popular mass-market board game Monopoly.

Apparently, Abel tricked Cain into trading him Park Place, completing his lucrative monopoly on the expensive blue properties. Abel then mocked his brother as his thimble piece landed on the Park Place he'd just traded away, which now had a big, fat hotel on it.

"It seems that this tense family game of Monopoly was just too much for Cain to bear," said one scholar. "He stood up, flipped the board over, and immediately began bashing Abel's head in with the box."

While some scholars think the game was Catan or Ticket to Ride, the consensus among experts is that it was definitely Monopoly. "If they were playing a good game like Galaxy Trucker or Space Hulk, at least the quality of the game design would have been enjoyable, even if there was some tension between the two brothers. But brothers trying to get along while playing a terrible game like Monopoly? It's definitely understandable why he flew off the handle like that."

"It's a roll-to-move game with player elimination, lots of randomness, and little player agency. It's a wonder more people aren't killed playing Monopoly."

Sources also confirmed the game took so long because the brothers insisted on playing with house rules like money on Free Parking and no auctions.

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