In high school and college, I learned about some of the games and manipulations men and women engaged in, but the greater weight of the malfeasance was often with the boys who assumed the roles of aggressors and initiators. We accepted those roles as part of our culture. I don’t think any of us thought we were damaging anybody, we just wanted what we wanted. Now I cringe inwardly when I think of the stupid stuff I did. I wish I could find these girls and women and apologize. — robertladner, Miami

In my experience , there were women who weren’t clear about what they wanted or changed their minds during our tango. A teenage boy facing those complexities mid-seduction is unlikely to try to divine a woman’s intentions. He just wants to get her clothes off. Once he’s a man, a woman’s changeability can be every bit as baffling. It’s a game with loose rules, one that’s forever confusing, even maddening. Nonetheless, he must remain as sure as he can be that she’s consenting. — Paul, Canada

#IAm(Not)ASexist

Perhaps we should create hashtags for all of our wrongs: #IAmSexist, #IAmRacist, #IGentrify, #IAmTryingtoUnderstandDiscussionsAboutGenderbutamnotthereyet. I’m a white male, which surely you know by now. I am 51. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I try to treat everyone respectfully while I improve myself as I learn. I’m not going to undermine that process by branding or punishing myself with pejorative terms, especially when they can be so broadly interpreted. — SMR, North Carolina

In response to Mr. Yancy’s essay, let’s save the confessions for those who have actually committed a sin. I’ve always striven to practice feminist ideals and treat women with the same respect and equality with which I treat men. I’m happy to say that #IAmNotASexist — RP, New York

Shaming us won’t help heal wounds

There can be no question, ever, that the victims suffer more than the perpetrators. However, if we are to make any significant progress on this monumental societal problem, the perpetrators must learn to be unflinchingly honest with themselves and those around them. That requires the trust that their tentative efforts won’t be belittled. Opening and draining these wounds for both parties is ugly and uncomfortable, and utterly necessary. — Harry R., Massachusetts

Do our regrets and apologies set us free emotionally? Experience suggests the answer for many is no. What if one’s apology does not receive a response or is rejected? While confessing the errors of one’s ways may be beneficial, what, if anything, can set things right? Most of us carry burdens to our graves, unrelieved, unsatisfied. Can what’s done be undone? — Doug Giebel, Big Sandy, Montana

To Doug Giebel: I see repentance in the testimonials in “Eight Stories of Men’s Regret,” an acknowledgment of harm done and a determination to behave differently. They also lighten the burden of shame and allow some dignity for the man who comes fo r ward. Our shame is not enough to heal the harm we do to one another, nor is it enough to heal ourselves. Repentance, though, can be transformative, if felt deeply. — Dwain, Rochester

A healthy reckoning for men and women

While I do not disagree with Mr. Yancy’s proposition that we should assume responsibility for our sexism, it is an incomplete rendering of a collective sexism, which includes women. The one feeds the other, especially among the youngest of us. Until boys and girls are provided, from infancy, by caretakers and society, equal access to cognitive and emotional expression, adults will be but immature examples of their potential. — Jbg, Cape Cod, Mass.

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