Golden Girl

By HarveyMcScorpius

Creation Date : 12/3/19, 1:20 PM

(Notes : this is an idea I have had rolling around in my head for months now. It didn't start out as an erotic script, but I've made an executive decision that this is the best way to execute the idea. The basic idea is a lovestruck teen with a shitty home life decides to run away from his life, and go and find his LDR love. Maybe this will be a series, maybe I will scrap it. Who knows?)

Tags : [M4F] [UNDERAGE] [But not Gross] [Masturbation] [Romantic] [Sappy] [Depression] [Politics and implied Racism] [Journal Entries] [Long Distance Relationship] [Loner] [Lovesick]

(READ AS A SERIES OF JOURNAL ENTRIES)

START

December 4th, 2019

God, I know it will sound weird, but I wish I could just fall into her. I don't know. She's just so . . . expansive. There's a world inside her. I wish I was a part of it, or, more a part of it than I am. I see all these people at school holding hands, hanging with friends; living, and I want that with her. Sure, this whole Snapchat only thing is good. She's amazing, and I kind of like the idea of having this beautiful girl all to myself "in my pocket", if you know what I mean. It's like when you have a wallet full of cash, I'd say. It burns a whole in your pocket, exciting you with its potential, the knowledge of all the joy it can give you. I don't mean to cheapen her like that, but that's the best analogy I can get. Talking to her is better, though. It's not just the thrill of a girl loving me that I like. It's . . . well, being in love, too. Fuck, being in love feels good. It's this injection of purpose into me, like "here is something I can do for someone. Here's a reason for me to be!" I've told her what she does for me. The way she lights up my life. Makes me feel . . . safe, I suppose. She seems receptive. As affectionate as someone can while behind a phone. I just want to be that sun to her, too. I want to be her reason to go fucking crazy in love.

Shit, I just realized I got majorly off-track.

Seems I was writing about . . . Snapchat, I think? Yeah. Yeah. Having her be this scrawl of text on my phone is good, but would I still think that if I could have her in front of me? Fuck no. Could it even compare? Fuck no. I'd give my whole world to have her next to me. To . . . have something domestic. Something permanent. Something that felt normal. God knows I don't have enough of that. We're always fighting at home. It's all about the little things, all the things that slip my mind. Mom is mad about the dishes. Mom is mad about the laundry, the shoes, the way everybody's standards of cleanliness don't live up to hers. I can't help but feel like me and Joseph disappoint her all the time. Mom works so hard and does so much for us and everything she needs help with just . . . slips our minds. I can't help but feel guilty; she knows school is hard and she tells me that. But still. I get home and the first thing I do is turn the Xbox on and start in on Mortal Kombat. I and my brother take and take and don't give back.

Then there's my diet. and my porn. And my . . . anxiety.

All in good time, I guess. She understands. All of it. Understands and at the same time doesn't buy my excuses. Doesn't let me hide behind weakness. I love her for it. But I wish I didn't have to love her from so far away. In such an impersonal way, where I don't even hear her voice for months at a time. It'll sound silly, and she's told me before I'm taking things too seriously, but I just wanna be at the altar saying "I do" already. But why, you say. I'm only fifteen. What the fuck ever. This is the girl I want to be with till the day I die. I want her to wake up in my arms and I want to fall asleep back to back with her.

Us against the world.

December 7th, 2019

I know I complain about how far away she is all the time. I'd never be caught writing about how "happy" I am that she's 2000 miles down the continent. But occasionally it has its perk. Yeah, perK. As in only one. I find that it can change, sometimes. Five years of deep connection with someone teaches you that.

Anyway, the perK in question is that she's not . . . around. Bear with me. I know a few days ago I made it clear I'd "give the world" to have her. But around this time of year I'm usually pretty glad for it.

Her birthday is in about two months, and one of the few advantages to having her so far away is that I can prepare her gifts without her having any idea what I'm up to! I dunno. I just get so giddy thinking about it. I like to impress her. Last year I sang her this song she introduced me to, Archangle by Chet Faker, over Skype. I don't think I was very good, who does? But I have to say, when she realized what I was doing and she covered her mouth like she did, like she was gonna cry . . .

I haven't been that proud of myself in a long, long time.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing for her this year. Usually its around the first week of December that I start plotting. I've made it my mission to not go on any porn binges this week, so I'll probably have more time to dream up something. No school on Friday, either. Christmas break's on its way, gonna give my woman the best birthday present ever . . .

I dunno. Things are looking up. Feels good to be alive. Guess I can't sing to her again, which blows. I like singing, a lot. I can't legally make her a strip-tease video for several more years. Never tried that, so I can't say whether I'd like it. Maybe a card of some kind? I know I'd like that if it were her sending it to me. Just holding something she'd touched, looking at her handwriting. I guess it would make her more real to me. Transpose a part of her into the physical world.

Can't do that because then her ultra-Catholic parents would shred it and ask her who this boy was from California professing his endless love for her. Yeah. What a shithouse.

I dunno. I know I'll figure something out, something she'll love. And before I know it, all these years will fly by and I'll have an awful hard time hiding it from her, if you know what I mean.

December 8th, 2019

She wasn't there. I needed her and she wasn't there. Why'd it have to turn out like that? Fuck.

First thing yesterday morning I hear from her that she's going to a girl's camp the whole weekend. No idea what that could be for Mormon girls in Central America. No internet there, according to her. I thought it made sense. I haven't been camping in ten years or so but last I checked, cell towers didn't grow out of the ground like trees did. I get it. I got it.

But, I don't know. Everything's gone wrong today. Joseph spilled to mom that dad's been talking to his mistress again. They're split, but she had the reaction I expected. I couldn't watch when she broke down, went and hid in my room. There's something about watching someone who does her best to bring out good in the world sink to her knees and sob that kills me. I'd expected it from my dad. He's never let anyone stop him from . . . I don't want to say burning bridges, but . . . nevermind. Alienating people is the phrase I'm looking for. He knows talking to her will push us all away from him, but he just can't help myself. What'd Jaime Lannister say? "We can't choose whom we love". I suppose he's right.

But this was only the start. I went to school and failed. All day. I forgot a bunch of homework for Political Science and then blew a test in the same goddamn class. My teacher's a big douche and he reads the scores out loud, names attached, everything. Everybody knew I'd failed. If there is one thing I hate more than anything, it's looking stupid and failing at something. Very helpful for someone who doesn't know how to do much, right? "Lets make him terrified of the two things you need to do to get better at things". Fuck me. I spend lunch alone. Watching people around me be happy. Super fun. I was standing still like usual, the world passing by me. I hate being alone, too. And through it all, that little secret I had in my pocket, my girl, my antidote. I couldn't reach her. That was the worst part. She always knows exactly what to say to make all the hurt just melt away. Or at least help me realize that most of my pain is self-created and that I can make it go away myself. Damn, that girl.

I don't even know what to say about the rest. I came home and fought with my mom about household duties for an hour. Joseph was at dad's, annoying him by leaving dishes everywhere and never picking up after himself. Mom and dad trade off, and I get to deal with my dad's Republican BS for the night. I had to leave, walk to the store and get a coke to calm me down after he started going off on immigrants. I just . . . I can't even hear that. I can't. Not after what she's told me about members of her family who came to the States.

I don't know. I was feeling low. I could feel this wave of depression coming on. The veil coming down, y'know? It's rarely like this, built up by a bunch of unpleasant things. Usually it's just one thing. One bad thing slams into me and the switch is instant. Nothing feels good. But times like this, when its a whole shit day compounded, are a million times worse.

So I got on XVideos. Needed a bit of a pick-me-up, for lack of a better word. Found some dude's account, I guess the guy goes traveling around Asia and has it out with all sorts of hookers. I don't know. It was around two in the morning and I was too exhausted to really tell. But god, I found this girl with this long dark hair, all the way down her back, with this nice round, wide ass, skin like gold. Fuck. I'm hard just writing about it. This guy's plowing her from behind, and, ever the gentleman, records the whole thing. There this woman is, head bowed, that beautiful black hair over her shoulder, that round ass in the air and her back arched, seeming to enjoy it.

And I realize its like looking at her. She has the same hair, the same golden skin, the same ass. Yeah, whatever. She's worn some tight shit, don't judge me.

But I'm watching this video, stroking myself, and it might as well be her on that screen, being stuffed with cock, being made happy. I hate to think of her in crass terms like that. I think she should be exalted. But I was tired and I was . . . really horny. So if this random asian hooker could be my girl, why couldn't that be me pumping in her? At least in my head. I turned the phone off after that. I let the fantasy play out as the pleasure built and . . . I swear there's nothing in this world that girl can't cure.

I imagine us in my room. My parents aren't there. It's a dream-scape or whatever. Just the room, and not every detail perfectly visualized. She's approaching me, naked, calm, cool, content. I'm hard and she's wet. A fire roars behind her. Her skin is wreathed in flames but they don't hurt her. They make every line of her glow, like a bronze blade being beaten under a hammer. Fire's always been kind of erotic to me. And damn does it make her shine.

She climbs on top of me, my hands snaking up her hips, our eyes locked on each other. She's got such beautiful eyes. I've always loved them, and her glasses just make them cuter. She likes mine too. In my fantasy she smiles at me, this lovely little smug smirk she has. God I've never seen anything so kissable. She leans down to my ear and whispers everything I need to hear. That I fill her life with goodness, that she's crazy for me, that I make her happy and I make her proud to be mine. Her breath tickles my earlobe and I shiver as she licks. That's something I've always thought I'd liked, and fantasy-her is perfect at it. I get even harder than I was before, pressing right against her pussy. My cock straightens and before I know it I'm in her. I don't even know it's happened. Other than when her head ducked down to lick my ear, my eyes didn't leave hers. I drown in her. We're rolling into each other, and her praise doesn't stop as my body crashes into hers. She keeps going, talking all about the life she wants with me. How I'm as bright a light in her life as the sun. That she's just as unhappy with her life as I am, and she's aching to elope with me, buy a house and start a family. Archtypal, I know. I don't give a fuck. That's what I want and it's what I hope she wants too.

But at the thought of getting her pregnant, I'm done. I came really hard. Fantasy over. Breeding always finishes me off. Especially when I think of her. It's one thing to know that she's crazy for me. It's another to let me really change her body because we're so in love. I always thought that was hot. And the fact that the changes TO a woman's body are hot.

But after I came and after I clean myself up . . . I dunno. I feel like there's fire in my nose. Like my senses are greater than they used to be and I see everything in a clearer light. My life, school, my family, everything. I've heard of "post-nut clarity" before, but something made this seem different.

I was about to turn my phone off when I feel it buzz in my hand. And wouldn't you know it, I get a Snap from "Golden Girl". My heart was doing pinwheels.

I think I might know what I'm going to call her from in this journal, for now . . .