In America, everyone who is charged with a crime is guaranteed representation by a defense lawyer. Even people who can’t afford an attorney can be appointed a public defender if they request one. There’s good reason for this: when people attempt to talk their way out of a criminal accusation all by themselves, they have a tendency to come up with defenses so weird and nonsensical they’re more likely to get confused looks from a jury than an acquittal.

Here are just five of the more bizarre defense attempts used by alleged criminals who unwisely waived their right to remain silent.

1) “Aliens Dumped Me Here”

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In Loganville, Georgia, police responded to a 911 call from a woman who claimed that someone was trying to kill her. They arrived at the scene to find the woman badly injured and an abandoned car in a ditch nearby with the keys still in the ignition. The driver who injured her was nowhere to be found. Shortly afterwards, a resident of the area called the police to report a prowler. When police arrived at the resident’s house, they found a very drunk Joel Lankford on the porch. Naturally, the officers suspected that Lankford was the one responsible for the hit and run earlier that night. However, he denied having anything to do with the car or the injured woman. His excuse?

Aliens beamed him there, and he actually thought he was in a city 18 miles away. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t persuade the police to let him go.

But, if you think about it, if aliens wanted to conceal an abduction then getting their victim drunk and framing him for a car accident would be a good cover, because no one would believe him. Hmmm...

2) “God Told Me To Rob Banks”

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According to most religious traditions, taking stuff that isn't yours is strictly off limits. But when Christopher Bruce prayed for an answer to his financial woes, apparently a very different pro-stealing sort of God answered.

As Bruce drove his car one day, troubles swarming his mind, he pulled over to the side of the road to seek out an answer for his money problems. You see, as a convicted felon, Bruce had trouble getting a job and keeping his head above water. So he did what lots of desperate people do: prayed for guidance. He needed something he could do to finally put his criminal past behind him. Then the answer came to him: give a threatening letter to a bank teller and run away with their money.

He followed through with his plan immediately, making off with a stack of cash from a bank. Unfortunately, criminal investigators found him shortly afterwards at a hotel and arrested him. Hopefully he will come up with some better answers next time he tries to pray his problems away.

3) “I Killed Him Because I’m Half Vampire, Half Werewolf”

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Just a couple hundred years ago, being a vampire was a serious crime that could get you tied to a stake. Now apparently it’s used as an excuse for criminal behavior.

16-year-old Stephanie Pistey was facing very serious charges after allegedly luring a 16-year-old boy into the forest so her friends could kill him. But she asserted that she shouldn’t be held liable for her homicidal tendencies because (in her words): “ I know this is going to be crazy, but I believe that I'm a vampire and part werewolf.”

Unfortunately for her, “Not guilty by reason of vampirism” isn’t yet an actual legal plea.

4) “A Van Full Of Ninjas Shot Me”

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While this country faces a lot of problems, ninjas who roam the streets and shoot innocent teens is not among them. Some teens, however, have been mislead by pop culture into believing that armed ninjas are a bigger nuisance than they actually are. That is probably what caused a 17-year-old Chicago resident to blame the stealthy assassins when he accidentally shot himself while playing with a gun.

After police questioned why he had a bullet wound in his groin area, he came up with a rampaging ninja story on the spot. The police, perhaps hoping that it was true, actually investigated his claim and tried to find evidence that skilled martial artists were at fault. When his story didn’t add up, the teen confessed the truth.

After everything was cleared up the teen had to face a problem a lot more devastating than ninjas: a criminal charge for filing a false police report.

5) “I Tried To Steal This Car Because Of Batman”

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Philadelphia resident Micah Calamosca very badly needed a car, and he didn’t really feel like paying for one (maybe he didn’t like dealing with car salesman). So he spotted a random vehicle, sat down in the passenger seat, and ordered the driver to get out. It was at this point that Calamosca realized he was very, very dumb and very, very unlucky. The driver stepped outside, drew a gun, and aimed it at the would-be thief. It turned out that Calamosca had tried to carjack an unmarked police vehicle, and the driver was actually a police officer.

You might think that the cops had him dead to rights, but Calamosca had an excuse. You see, The Dark Knight Rises, the third film in Christopher Nolan’s cinematic Batman trilogy, happened to be filming in the city at the time. So Calamosca said that he was just an actor, and the carjacking was just part of the script.

Since a) that’s ridiculous and b) there wasn’t a carjacking scene in The Dark Knight Rises anyway, he was booked on multiple charges.

And that’s how Batman brought yet another criminal to justice.

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