Twas the night before Christmas…

…and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

The interwebz were quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn

They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn

I laid in my bed, under my covers tightly tucked

Fighting the urge to rhyme that with fucked

But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound

Like a bunch of footsteps and then a great pound

I rose from my sleep, and put on some pants

I missed one of the leg-holes, and did an awkward dance

I shuffled forward slowly, to check this shit out

And in my living room, I see a fat dude lurking about

“Hey!” I shouted at the man dressed in red

I pulled out my gun and filled him with lead

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and what did I see

I just shot Santa next to my Christmas tree

I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys

This is my fault, so I will deliver their toys

I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh

I hoped that the reindeer already knew the way

I hopped aboard and grabbed the reigns

I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names

Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John!

On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!

The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff

I googled their names, I was WAY off

I tried once again to call out their names

And I held on tightly to the reigns

Now Dasher!

Now Dancer!

Now Prancer and Vixen!

On Comet!

On Cupid!

On Donner and Blitzen!

The eight magic reindeer took off with a rush

I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!”

We flew cross the moon, and jingled our bells

We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells

I slipped down chimneys, and delivered the toys

I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys

The night was saved and I let out a sigh

If the children had known they surely would cry

So I shot Santa, but he is not dead

My aim really sucks, I totally missed his head

The elves picked him up, and treated his wounds

He’s doing quite well, and will recover very soon

I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho” when I heard he was alright

And I shouted from on high…

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”