Sir Thomas More, the patron saint of lawyers, lived from 1478 to 1535.[1] This is an inconvenient fact for Jesus, who found himself in need of a competent lawyer when he was railroaded in a capital case 1500 years earlier.

Overlooked in the well-known tale of Good Friday is the public defender assigned to the Jesus matter. What sort of TTT law school did this attorney crawl out of to botch this case? Cisalpine Gaul State? The University of Illyricum Law Center? Ave Maria wasn’t around yet.[2] I mean, this guy went in for a public nuisance charge for turning over some moneychanger tables and ended up on death row! Take a good look at each stage of this prosecution and note every major cockup this attorney makes.

We begin at the Sanhedrin trial before the priests, the grand jury stage of the process if you will. Biblical sources explain that the elders had to find Jesus at fault before they could elevate the case to the Roman authorities. And if you think the modern grand jury process is unduly skewed toward the prosecution, trust me when I tell you the Sanhedrin was much tougher. No one can indict a ham sandwich faster than a Pharisee.

That said, the Sanhedrin started out well for our public defender. From the New International Version of the Gospel of Mark:

The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death, but they did not find any. Many testified falsely against him, but their statements did not agree.

One witness tried to peg Jesus for public drunkenness over some incident in Cana, but another said they were pretty sure they only had water at that party.

In any event, false testimony and conflicting stories may be able to get a cop off a murder rap, but that’s not enough to stick a teacher with the death penalty. All our attorney needed to do was ride this one out.

But of course they tried to get Jesus to testify. From Matthew:

And the high priest arose and said to Him, “Do You answer nothing? What is it these men testify against You?” But Jesus kept silent.

All right. So far, so good. Adhering to the prep nicely…

Again the high priest asked him, “Are you the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?” “I am,” said Jesus.

Oh come on! What were we just saying about the Fifth Amendment, Jesus? Just because of that, this whole thing got elevated to Pontius Pilate, the prefect of Judaea, in a blatant case of forum shopping, and that’s not good for the client because the Romans are as fast and loose with the death penalty as Texas.[3]

So Pilate came out to them and asked, “What charges are you bringing against this man?” “If he were not a criminal,” they replied, “we would not have handed him over to you.” Pilate said, “Take him yourselves and judge him by your own law.” “But we have no right to execute anyone,” they objected.

And yet, where’s the jurisdictional objection? Blasphemy isn’t a Roman crime. There must be some way to get this into another court:

On hearing this, Pilate asked if the man was a Galilean. When he learned that Jesus was under Herod’s jurisdiction, he sent him to Herod, who was also in Jerusalem at that time.

You let Jesus get transferred to the guy who beheaded John the Baptist? Good move, dummy. I get that public defenders are overworked with all the Passover hijinks the teenagers get into,[4] but these are rookie mistakes. But Herod, also unwilling to order an execution, kicks the case back to Pilate. Frankly, it’s amazing the lucky breaks this guy is getting after every error.

“I have found no fault in this Man concerning those things of which you accuse Him; no, neither did Herod, for I sent you back to him; and indeed nothing deserving of death has been done by Him. I will therefore chastise Him and release Him.”

Now, here’s where things really go off the rails:

Now at the feast the governor was accustomed to releasing to the multitude one prisoner whom they wished. And at that time they had a notorious prisoner called Barabbas. Therefore, when they had gathered together, Pilate said to them, “Whom do you want me to release to you? Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?”

No, no, no, no. This is a false choice. Pilate just said Jesus didn’t do anything wrong, so he shouldn’t be a prisoner at all. He’s not even rightly in this discussion. Courts don’t acquit someone and say, “you are paroled.” Jesus should be free to go regardless of what happens to Barabbas. File a habeas petition because Pilate’s flat wrong about who he actually has in custody here.

But Barabbas gets freed anyway in this backward Purge world where one day a year a criminal gets freed for absolutely no reason, and while this should not be a zero-sum game, Pilate’s willingness to let the guy go is grounds for mandamus. Barabbas is classically described as a murderer, but contextually, he killed people in an uprising against the Romans. Why is Pilate letting an enemy of Rome go free based on the demand of the people who regularly revolt against the Romans? That’s not the jury he should be polling.

Thus, Jesus was crucified. The lawyer couldn’t even get it together to file the appeal — something about a grail full of DNA evidence — but in his defense, Jesus told him they’d talk it over on Monday.

You know, in the end, Jesus probably should have represented himself.

Ed. note: This is an actual conversation that took place in the ATL office when the story was pitched.

Lat: It’s clear satire, so I’m not offended by this as a Catholic — but could other religious people be offended? Elie: What, TOO SOON?

[1] While we’re here, why exactly is Thomas More the patron saint of lawyers? His claim to fame is literally refusing to assist his client in getting out of a bad contract and receiving the worst ineffective assistance of counsel sanction ever.

[2] The Roman legal profession has been all downhill ever since the schools started letting in kids with a CXLVII on the LSAT.

[3] This is false. No one is as fast and loose with the death penalty as Texas.

[4] Surreptitious bread leavening mostly.

Joe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.