

Hello, my name is Kiven and I live in New Zealand

New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the whole world and one day I will be king of it because my mum says that people with red hair are descended from royalty.









New Zealand Facts



Captain Hook discovered New Zealand in 1964. After a brief bout of scuffles known affectionately as the Maori Land Wars, a treaty was signed between the two granting gifts to the Maori such as immortality, Harley-Davidson motorcycles and replica Tag Heuer watches.



There are currently more New Zealanders living in Australia than New Zealand due to the fact that New Zealanders cannot stand being around New Zealanders.



82% of New Zealanders think that New Zealand is not a state of Australia.



Due to the cold climate, New Zealanders have a five millimetre coating of body lice for insulation which they call their "wiggly skin."



The omission of New Zealand from recently published world maps was expected to cause much controversy but nobody noticed or cared. Due to the earths plate movement, each year New Zealand moves several metres closer to Australia. Each year, Australia spends billions of dollars moving several metres further away from New Zealand.

Hello, my name is Kiven and I live in Wellington, the capital of New Zealand. It is the best village in the whole world and a thriving metropolis with seventy four residents. When I grow up I want to drive the village car. My plan is to drive to the neighbouring village of Auckland in the middle of the night and steal their fire. The residents of Wellington will probably build a mud statue in my honour like they did for my uncle Robert when he caught a pig.



Every day I play the national sport of 'throw a stick' where you throw a stick. It is so much fun and often I will spend the entire day throwing a stick. When I climb into bed for the night, I practice by throwing twigs across the room in preparation for the next days game of throw a stick. When I am not playing throw a stick, I play a game called find where the stick went.



Alhough New Zealand is the best country in the whole world, I dream of one day traveling to exotic lands such as Australia. I have heard they have magic boxes called "tilevesion." My Dad, who is also my brother and the local wife punching champion, told me that the best part of traveling is coming home so as I am approaching the beach in my canoe, I will call out the traditional Maori homecoming greeting "wheresmydinnerbitch" and the villagers will rush out to greet me and listen to tales of my exciting adventures. I will then be classed as a man and given my choice of sheep from the village flock. I have been courting one named Betty for several months and have managed to save almost thirty dollars in sea shells, our local currency, to buy her a necklace made of sea shells.







My auntie, who is also my second cousin and the village prostitute, pays me to sit on her porch and watch out for uncle Robert. The current currency conversion of US$1.00 = NZ 9000.072 means I have a lot of shells. I keep them on the beach.







My uncle Robert, who is also my nephew, official village pig catcher and head of New Zealand tourism (famous for the catch phrase "At least it's not Adelaide") has initiated several projects aimed at increasing tourism to New Zealand. These include an annual four day 'look at the sheep' festival, sheep rides, a 'famous sheep through history' exhibition and a guided tour in the village car to view local highlights such as sheep.







If I was a sheep, I would write something in the dirt, becoming a famous communicating sheep and the subject of much scientific and media interest. I would be rich and buy a Porsche.



Every seventy four days, when it is my turn to wear the village shoes, I go hiking through the sheep paddocks, enjoying the feeling of not having sheep droppings between my toes, then climb a hill to sit at the top singing. My favourite song is called 'Kahadanhibrakahana' which roughly translated from Maori means 'I am sitting on a hill'. As I share a bedroom with seventeen siblings, this solitude is something I look forward to. Sometimes I play throw a stick but usually I just masturbate.