Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I apologise for getting you out of bed so early. At 0500 hours this morning the combined armed forces of mankind across the globe launched a massive and sustained land, sea and air attack on the Kingdom of Heaven. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. There will be time for questions later.

As you are all aware, the world's governments have been concerned about the true nature and ultimate purpose of God for some years now. A being that proclaims Himself omnipotent clearly had to be watched closely - we would have been failing in our duty to protect our citizens had we not done so.

Evidence of God's power is overwhelming. Indeed He has said nothing to deny it. He has brought famine on numerous occasions. He has inflicted plagues in the form of Aids, Sars and H5N1. Not a single year has passed without war raging in some corner of the globe, often with His explicit blessing on one side or the other and sometimes on both.

Tsunamis, floods and hurricanes are three more devastating weapons in the deadly armoury He has not only developed but appears all too willing to use. Faced with these already terrifying powers, we tasked the world's intelligence services to establish when - not if, ladies and gentlemen, but when - He will have the capability to launch genuine weapons of mass destruction. I refer, of course, to thunderbolts from heaven.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my grave duty to inform you that all intelligence conclusively points to the fact that God already possesses such a capability and could launch it at a moment's notice. Please, please. Be calm. Not wishing to alarm the people unnecessarily, we have of course, up until this moment in time, kept this intelligence within the confines of the highest reaches of government.

Behind the scenes we have been attempting to negotiate with God. Indeed, up until as recently as March of 2007 representatives of your governments were trying to open lines of communication. We made it clear we were happy to talk either directly to God or to his Angels. These approaches, I am sure you understand, largely took the form of silent prayer. Unfortunately I have to report that our efforts proved fruitless. The evidence of His presence is all around us, so He claims, yet when we want to talk to Him He is nowhere to be found. Apparently God did not want to listen. Though, of course, being omniscient, He didn't actually need to listen to be aware of our intentions. Either that or He was in hiding. Which seems unlikely, given that He also claims to be omnipresent.

As the world is aware, all nations are united behind the necessity of tackling the problem of God's might before it is too late. This, despite the fact that until recently many nations, for various reasons, have preferred not to confront Him. Some have claimed that notwithstanding His terrible wrath and well-documented history of visiting vengeance upon mankind, He is a force for good in the world. Some countries - in fact, at the latest count, at least half the nations of the world - have at some time even claimed to be His Chosen People.

Yet despite countless appeals to Him, not only over the last few years, but over many centuries, to bring peace to the world, He has blatantly failed to deliver us from evil. We now know that He even harbours terrorists. At least, if they do not come from heaven, we know that heaven is where they go afterwards, as they are only too willing to admit.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have waited long enough. We have given God every chance, but our patience is at an end. I put it to you, can a being who chooses to be known under the guise of a number of different aliases ever be trusted? The time has come for regime change in heaven. (interruption) I'm sorry? Excuse me a moment.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed that our mission has been successful. The forces of the people are now in control of all key targets. Overcoming determined resistance ... (interruption) ... Excuse me, little resistance ... (interruption) ... I'm sorry, apparently no resistance at all, our forces battled ... (interruption) er, strolled into ... what appears to be a deserted realm.

(To aide: "What, no angels? No seraphim, no cherubim? No hosts of heavenly choirs? No ... souls of the eternally blessed? I was hoping to meet my mother again ..." Aide: "There's no evidence of anything, Mr President.")

(Speaker takes sip of water.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you victory. Today marks the triumph of mankind. Heaven has fallen.

And may God save us all.