Ask not for whom the Apple Watch doom tolls. It tolls for… uh, the Apple Watch. That should be obvious.

The International Business Times warns:

“Apple Watch Sales Down 90% Since April Launch With Firm Selling Fewer Than 20,000 Per Day” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

The Apple Watch got off to a hot start when it went on sale in April, but since then, things have not been so great.

Sales have fallen dramatically since the Apple Watch release day, according to one [don’t say “slice”, don’t say “slice”] slice [GO TO YOUR ROOM] of the population.

Daily sales of Apple’s shiny new product have fallen off a drastic 90 percent since the release, according to Slice Intelligence, a market research firm.

Rene Ritchie explains what’s wrong with taking this survey as the last word on Apple Watch sales but, boy, Slice sure is getting a lot of attention by publishing all these results saying the Apple Watch sucks big time. What a strange and completely unrelated event it is that you’ve now heard of Slice where you had not heard of it before. It seems like some time in the future a clever company might publish the salacious results of an Apple-related survey as a form of marketing.

Certainly that’s not what’s happening here, of course.

You can see the decline of Apple Watch sales in the graph below.

See? You can see them. They’re going down. Look, there’s a chart of the decline. It has lines and numbers.

Which, admittedly, is twice as much data as any chart of sales ever published by Amazon, but what it doesn’t have is a sample size or population distribution.

The Apple Watch and Apple Watch Edition models, which start at $550 and $10,000, respectively, have made up just one-third of overall Apple Watch sales.

“Just.” The $10,000 Watch is only selling in small quantities. What a surprising disappointment. Basically everyone thought the $10,000 Watch would make up something approaching 275 percent of sales.

If you still don’t believe that the Apple Watch is a dud, well, just wait. In addition to a survey of just the people who chose to opt in to Slice, the International Business Times also has anecdotes, which are unstoppable in their proven, quantifiable, objective statistical accuracy.

Where is your iGod now?

On Twitter, some users are starting to complain they never use their Apple Watch or that they don’t find it helpful.

“Some” is just another way of saying “all.” Check a thesaurus, the Macalope is pretty sure about this. Anecdotally sure.

Slice’s results may be a fine indicator of what’s going on among the people who opt into their email-search service. But they say as much as Siri without an Internet connection about Watch sales in general.