Scene 1





(SCENE: A grimy warehouse's interior. It's littered with various crates, boxes and pallets. Both JOHN BALDWIN and CALVIN MCCALL are engaged in a Mexican standoff against VICTOR. In lieu of a firearm, John holds a banana while Calvin remains unarmed.)





JOHN

(Yelling)

Are you listening to me, asshole?! One more twitch off you and I'll blow your fucking brains out — you hear me? You motherfucker — I'll do it! Don't fucking try me! CALVIN Uh, dude JOHN Don't you dare "dude" me, Calvin! Not right now. And from now on — from now on when we're on a job you're gonna call me 'Sir' or 'Boss', got it? I mean, fuck me. Can't you see I'm busting this asshole's balls here?! Show a little respect. CALVIN Seriously dude I think you really oughtt— JOHN (Interrupting) What did I just say, Calvin? What did I just say? I'm holding this guy at gunpoint here! I need to focus.

(Oblivious)I'm telling you dude: just because he, specifically, might not be able to cast a hex doesn't mean he couldn't called in one of his cultist buddies and had one made in advance…(Also oblivious)You have no idea how hexes work, do you? There's a process involved.Oh yeah? What kind of process?Oh, you know. Really basic stuff. Learned it in the first year of Paranormology - yeah - I bet even the cultist knows some of the basic hexes. Right, Victor?Victor?

CALVIN WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU SWITCH OUR GUN FOR A BANANA(Yelling back)It wasn't me dude, I swear! The cultist probably cast a hex on it or… something!Oh, I see! The cultist just used his magic banana-powers. Use your fucking head, Calvin. He would've turned us into bananas. Moron.There's no need to be rude, man. And maybe the cultist — maybe transforming people is, like, against the Cultist Code or something?Calvin, please - look at this guy. He couldn't even tie his shoelaces let alone cast any hexes.C'mon guys I'm right here.

Scene 2





(SCENE: A large and well-furnished apartment, infested with garbage and writing paraphernalia. Both JOHN and CALVIN enter, mid-conversation and agitated. Calvin is eating a banana.)



JOHN



I can't believe we let him get away.





CALVIN



I guess I just don't get why we're tracking down Victor? Like, he seemed like an alright guy through highschool. Why don't we like him any more?





JOHN



He's a cultist!





CALVIN



No, I got that part. I just don't really get how we got from point A to point B here, you know? Like I'm missing a step in the process or something.





JOHN



Hey, that's alright Calvin. I'll fill you in. OK so… alright — imagine someone said they're gonna kill your mother, OK? They say that at some point this week they're gonna kill your mother.





CALVIN

Victor wants to kill my mother? Why would he do that? I invited him to my 10th birthday par—





JOHN

(Interrupting)



No no no no — Calvin. Victor doesn't want to kill your mother. I'm just making a hypothetical situation here. I'm just saying that if someone said they were gonna kill your mother, would you let them?





CALVIN



Hell no!





JOHN



That's right Calvin — of course you wouldn't. You'd ice that motherfucker where he stands. I'm saying that if someone says they're gonna do something wrong, you have to stop them.





CALVIN



I think I'm getting it now. What did Victor say he was going to do, though? Is it because he has 'Villain' in his last name?





JOHN



What? No — it's because — OK, so he didn't explicitly state his intentions per se, but you know what all these cults are like, Calvin. They're all "bring upon Ragnarok" this and "bathe in the blood of virgins" that. Met one of 'em, met 'em all. That's' why we've gotta break up that toga party.





CALVIN

(Taking a bite out the banana)



I thought cultists wore robes though?





JOHN



It's an expression, Calvin —



Hey, Calvin. What are you eating there?





CALVIN



Banana.





JOHN



You mean our gun?





CALVIN

(Smirking)



I'm pretty sure I can tell the difference between a gun and a banana dude.





JOHN



You idiot — are you eating the gun that randomly just turned into a banana about… 2 hours ago?





CALVIN



I guess so but I don't see what the big dea—





JOHN

(Interrupting)



What if it turns back now, Calvin? You'll have little gun parts floating around inside you, cutting you up.





CALVIN

(Alarmed) JOHN

Holy shit dude, don't say that!

Yeah. Don't like the sound of that, do you?





CALVIN



Dude you have to take me to the hospital like right now!





JOHN



Not happening Calvin. You made your bed, now lie in it. Besides, Victor's throwing a little cult meeting in about half an hour.





CALVIN



I think I'm gonna throw up.





JOHN

You better head to the bathroom then. And try not to get any on the tiles, alright? I just cleaned them last week.





(CALVIN rushes off stage)

ACT II

I should get a new gun.

Scene 1



