So beautiful.

It’s difficult to even remember a time when sharks in films were just boring sea-dwellers casually chewing the legs off unlucky swimmers without any extra cool shit to brag about. But we’re now in a post-Sharknado world that’s already given us Ghost Shark and Avalanche Sharks, so upping the game is a must. Which brings us to Sky Sharks, a film about genetically modified flying zombie Nazi sharks. It’s such a bad idea that it just got picked up by Sony.

Millionaire Dog

So many questions...

The Cannes marché is the place where film-makers go to sell their wares to distributors who, by the looks of things, will buy any old rubbish. But of all the terrible movies on display this year, there was no synopsis more troubling than the one that began: “After a dog wins the lottery…” I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I do know the feeling got worse when I went on to read the line “His personal assistant manages the fortune”, casually thrown in with a reckless lack of explanation. How does a dog communicate with his PA? How did he hire one in the first place? This film is pretty much the sole reason I haven’t slept at all throughout the festival.

Lavalantulla

Lavalantulas take Hollywood.

What’s scarier than a tarantula? A giant tarantula. What’s scarier than a giant tarantula? A giant tarantula that spews lava. OK, so it might not have been your first option but the more you think about it the scarier it gets, right? Right? Well, the scenario also forms the premise of this combi-horror, which stars Steve Guttenberg as a washed up 90s actor who, strangely, isn’t called Steve Guttenberg but still has to fight half-spiders, half-volcanoes to save humanity. And maybe get another acting job.

Those pesky lederhosen zombies strike again.

At the Cannes market, the words “attack” and “zombies” crop up so often that the thought or a zombie attack eventually seems entirely pedestrian. But when the word “lederhosen” suddenly appears in the middle, attention is piqued. Not piqued enough to actually want to watch it but, still, piqued all the same.

I’m Dead, But I Have Friends

No thanks.

Always important to have goals, even when you’re dead. Sadly this killer title, which promises an afterlife of hair-braiding and sleepovers, belongs to a film about rock musicians going on tour to remember their friend. Without any ghostly help.

I Am Wrath

I Am Wrath.

A star! Or something resembling a star! Someone or something appears to have endured an actual face/off and hair/off with John Travolta on this post-Taken action thriller about someone getting kidnapped or whatever. I Am Bored.

Oddball

Oddball. Should have called it Doguin.

A title that could work for pretty much any film ever made, Oddball here is used to describe the story of a dog who cares for a colony of penguins. As it’s based on true events we won’t argue that, in reality, a dog would savage them within minutes.

Rise Of The Footsoldier 2

Maybe you should accept a substitute.

The stream of British hooligan films continues with a sequel to the bizarrely successful 2007 biopic of “underworld icon” Carlton Leach. This ad takes aim at other films within the subgenre and works better if you read it in a vaguely threatening mockney accent.