Dave Portnoy was so close to glory tonight. Up 28-3, getting two-for-one apps at a Manhattan Applebee’s, sending out videos telling me not to beat my kids…

Man, I hate to do this. I get no joy out of this. But sitting at the Barstool College Football show desk and getting unnecessarily shit on every week gets old, so here goes.

Life was good.

And then it wasn’t. Baylor, Dave’s pick and a team he’s been worshipping for weeks even though he can’t name two players on the roster, blew it. They blew a 28-3 lead.

Dave Portnoy blew a 28-3 lead.

What an idiot. What a fuckin’ idiot.

He was so very sure of himself. The entire first half was nothing but Dave obsessively tweeting me, a little ol’ moron from Mississippi.

And again.

And again.

Then, the second half happened. And Dave suddenly stopped tweeting. You can tell almost to the moment that he realized that he was going to get bested by Brandon Fuckin’ Walker. He went radio silent. Gone was the cocky Masshole who taunted me from the comforts of a rundown Applebee’s Bar and in its place was….Nothing.

But….I am a classy guy. I’m not going to make fun of Dave for making himself look like an idiot tonight. And I’m not going to brag about being right. I am eternally grateful to Dave for giving me this incredible opportunity. Along with my mother and my 10-year old daughter, Dave is my favorite under 5-foot-10 person in this world.

So, thanks for hiring me, Dave.

I’ll see you Monday.