I think someone should invent a gun that fires guns instead of bullets. Smaller guns. So it would have to be a really big gun, like a cannon. And say your town gets invaded by the enemy. Instead of everybody running into their houses to find the keys to their gun boxes, then looking for the keys to the separate lockboxes that hold the ammo, and then spending even more time locking and loading, you could just have one really fast town resident race up to the hill where you keep the gun cannon. “Fire!” he’d say, and the cannon would go, boom! And it would shoot out regular guns, presto, instant militia.

I’m always thinking of new ideas regarding self-defense. And not all of them have to do with guns inside guns. Although, I just want to be perfectly clear, it would be awesome if we could have a giant gun orbiting the earth, and in times of great need, like if the whole country comes under attack at the same time, then this orbital cannon could fire the gun-cannons that I was talking about earlier, one for every town. I’m just saying, boom, gun cannons fired down to earth, double boom, cannons firing guns to arm every citizen. I’m thinking the whole process shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes or so.

Talk all you want about the technical hurdles of achieving such a feat. It could totally happen. If they can shoot a rocket to Mars that lowers a rover down to the surface via a robotic crane, I’m sure we could do the same thing here on Earth. It should be even easier, because we won’t have to deal with any radio delay or foreign atmosphere. Again, I’ll leave it to the engineers to figure out the t-crossing and i-dotting, but when it comes to ammunition, we’re only limited by the scope of our imagination.

Like what about guns that suck bullets back in? I’m picturing a hostage situation, right, the cops have this guy surrounded, but he’s got an innocent bystander with him, somebody he just grabbed off the street. And the bad guy’s got a gun to this guy’s head. He’s screaming, “Back off! All right? Just back off, lower your weapons, everybody get out of here, or I’m going to do it, I’ll shoot this guy!”

I don’t know how the police would handle a situation like that in real life, but I’m sure it takes a while to find the professional negotiator, to get him down to the crime scene, all while the cops are forced to give this guy space, room to breathe, time to think his way out of that situation. If you had guns that could suck bullets up instead of firing them out, it wouldn’t be a problem at all.

I’d be like, “Go ahead. Shoot.” And the crook would be like, “I warned you!” Bam! But I’d pull the trigger on my suck-gun at the same exact time. As soon as his bullet exits that barrel, instead of firing out, it would travel right back into my gun. Then there’d be a button on the side, something to switch from “suck” to “fire.” I’d flip that switch, and now I’d be ready to disarm this criminal, and with his own bullet too.

I write stuff like this all the time. Why aren’t the gun companies giving me a call? When are they going to realize that I’m just the guy they need to breathe some fresh ideas into the industry? How about disposable guns? You know, like how they have single-use cameras? Although, nobody really buys those anymore. Not since digital cameras started popping up everywhere. Nobody even has a camera anymore, it’s just phones, cell phones with really good built-in cameras.

But you could go to the gun store, right, you’d buy a disposable gun. I don’t know, they could make it like the barrel would be sealed. So you’d buy the gun fully loaded, and once you used that round of ammunition, that would be it, you couldn’t reload it again. You’d bring it back to the gun store and drop it off and they’d reload it and sell it again. It would be perfect for a gun-enthusiast like me, you know, someone not really ready to commit to buying a gun. I’d just like to show up every now and then and fire a few rounds off into the air, something to really announce my presence. And to warn off any potential enemies. Like back off, all right? I’ve got a gun. A disposable gun, yes, but they wouldn’t know that. And it wouldn’t matter anyway. A gun’s a gun, right?