Since the feeds are down for the evicition and HOH tonight, I’ve taken the liberty of taking everything Danielle has shared about herself and creating her autobiography. Here is Danielle’s life story in (mostly) her words. New stuff in purple.

On April 24, 1989 a child was welcomed into the world possibly to the lyrics of Madonna’s Like a Prayer …I close my eyes, oh God I think I’m falling… Out of the sky, I close my eyes…Heaven help me. And just like that Danielle Alexis Murphree fell from the heavens and landed in Alabama. Her parents were both marines and her father was also an alcoholic preacher who beat her and gave her whiskey when she was four. She quickly determined, at the tender age of four, that dark liquids (other than red wine) were not good for her. For the next ten years, her neglectful mother, who is a “professional swimmer” would spend all of her time writing a single computer program that only she was capable of writing. It was a very important program and she focused all of her time on the writing of it. Sadly, this left her with no time to tend to her lady garden which quickly grew out of control into a large, ginger bush. Obviously, the mere sight of the ginger bush was emotionally scarring to young Dani driving her to madness at a very young age.

Dani’s father was not much help either as he was a drunk Marine-Preacher who would try to teach her to swim by throwing her in the deep end of the pool screaming “Sink or Swim, Sweetcheeks.” Poor Dani nearly drowned in that cement pond in Alabama many, many times. That doesn’t even include the time that she and her Daddy were down at the swamp hunting alligators and Dani fell and broke her back. Her Daddy threw her over his shoulder and carried her home where the back magically healed itself. When times were hard, Dani would retreat to the three-story tree house her Daddy built for her in the backyard and practice her poses in the many mirrors she kept there. Sometimes she would just sit in her treehouse staring into her mirrors and thinking of happier times, like back when her great grandfather invented laundry detergent. It was that invention that made her entire family very wealthy and allowed Danielle to buy all the make-up she could ever want.

Things were not any easier for Dani when she went to school. She was frequently whipped and spanked and paddled during her elementary years by the evil overlords. Then, once home her abusive parents would whip her some more just for fun. Things were better in High School where at least she got to have some sex. She had a boyfriend that bit a hole in her lip and another that punched her in the face. Apparently, this was a popular form of foreplay in Alabama in the early 2000s. She loved oral sex and swallowing in particular and tried every possible sexual position with her boyfriends. All her friends had parents who worked for NASA and they were all jealous of her. This would be a reoccurring theme for Dani because she was so good at everything she tried. She was the best cheerleader and gymnast in her school. She was also a super good softball player and spent every night in the batting cages. In her spare time, she was also a professional latin dancer. She is fluent in Spanish and “Chinese” which was useful when she was asked to be an Ambassador to China.

But high school life was not just all about re-enacting The Kama Sutra and doing more socially acceptable gymnastics with a broken back. Oh no, she had many other challenges to overcome. Her horrible parents took her to Europe practically against her will. She found the entire country of France boring and well, provincial. She was white knuckling it through the boredom, relying on cheeses to bring her comfort, when the most terrible thing happened to her! Her dastardly parents tried to sell her to gypsies! If those gypsies would have agreed to take her who knows where she would be right now! She certainly would not have gotten married, or pretend married, or almost married, or sort of engaged that’s for sure. Her pretend husband would never have spent her fortunes that she earned from being a diamondologist at Kay Jewelers, and working at Victoria’s Secret and Abercrombie and Fitch and modeling and being in the Miss USA pageant and posing for Harley Davidson calendars, y’all. That bastard spent her money on some other girl! The nerve! She has since made up for the loss by her wise investments in the stock market.

All of this trauma of course took a toll on Danielle’s health. First there were all the accidents. She was in at least one fatal car accident and a jet ski accident. She has broken both her arms, her cheekbone, her eye socket, her nose (twice) in addition to her back. There were many, many serious accidents with many broken bones but this never slowed down her career as a gymnast, or cheerleader or professional dancer or walking in tons of runway shows.

She’s also developed myriad physical illnesses during her twenty-three years of life. She’s had ovarian cysts, IBS, anemia, spastic colon, renal failure, kidney problems that forbid her from drinking dark liquids (except red wine), alcoholism, asthma and anorexia. She cured herself of the alcoholism and anorexia in a few weeks. Currently, the only medication she takes is 20mg of Adderall each day. Most recently, Danielle has shared with us her fight against cancer. It seems she has had cancer before, but this is a new non-cancerous cancer. She has a lump in her implants that she often denies having. She was given radiation for the non-malignant growth to soften it up and will be having chemo when she gets out. Also Danielle’s college friends have alleged that Danielle claimed she had cancer in college and went through chemo. When asked why she didn’t lose her hair, she reportedly told them she has a new, special kind of chemo that does not cause hair loss.

It was perhaps her many accidents and illnesses that lead her to be an LPN, an RN, and a nurse practitioner, who physicians seek out for advice. After taking a semester of courses at a community college and passing the licensing exam to become an LPN in October of last year, Dani became such a skilled healer that doctors from all around Alabama flock to her for help with their difficult cases. Between October and her Big Brother kidnapping earlier this year, she called the time of death of over 20 of her patients. Her most traumatic case involved an elderly woman who had used a potato as a pessary and the potato has sprouted vines. Thankfully, Dani was there to save the woman and presumably make some potato salad. She also does all of these miraculous nursing feats while going to medical school full-time to become a doctor even though she is practically a doctor already. In other medical insight news, Dani doesn’t believe that people are born homosexuals and is against breast-feeding because it ruins your boobs and makes little boys grab the breasts of strange women.

In addition to saving lives and being a full-time medical student, Danielle is nurturing her acting and modeling/pageant career. Prior to coming into the house, Dani has turned down offers to be on The Bachelor, competed in Miss USA, was almost cast on The Real World and turned down a spot in a country music video. Presumably the country music video was being produced for two of her best friends Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. During this time, Dani was so busy she barely had time to have an imaginary relationship with Trey who constantly made demands or her time. Despite never actually dating, she is concerned that Trey may become emotionally overwrought by her current showmance with Shane. She really needs to discuss this with her imaginary sister. Recently, the viewers of Big Brother were able to see a Skype of her imaginary sister as part of a Pandora’s Box luxury. Oddly, though not at all related, they did favor each other, at least in the over-plucked eyebrow area. Fake sister Kristy never mentioned a single member of their family not even her imaginary godparents! It’s like her entire family has crawled under a rock or perhaps taken out a restraining order. ZING!

Life in the Big Brother house has been quite perilous for Danielle as well. Everyone in the house was jealous of Danielle’s beauty and intelligence. Even though she tried to pretend she was just a dumb ole kindergarten teacher, it was impossible to hide her genius IQ. Janelle was the worst of all. After Janelle bullied and attacked Danielle in jealous rages, Danielle was able to single-handedly have her evicted and she never had to participate in Yoga ever again.

After all the attractive girls were out of the house, Danielle’s constant harassment by the men in the house intensified. Joe was constantly using her for masturbation fodder. And so was Frank. And Ian. And probably Dan. Danielle had to dress more modestly to discourage all of the ogling. While all them men lusted for her on a daily basis, none was as persistent as Shane. Shane seems to constantly want to make-out with Danielle despite her efforts to discourage him. He simply can’t help himself. Often, Shane would become frustrated and slam the door in her face! The constant advances by Shane have made her time in the house nearly unbearable. And yet, she carries on, selflessly helping others get to the end of the game. She saved Dan’s life and treated Joe’s heart disease just like Florence Nightingale in full drag. And while always, always staring at her own reflection. With all the heroic acts that Danielle has performed in the house, it’s no surprise that she announced the other day that she has grown an inch taller in the past two months.

I can only imagine the pageant wave that she will show us when she finally is crowned the winner of something. The first Big Brother female winner who beat out a man in the final two…Life is a mystery… Everyone must stand alone… I hear you call my name ..and it feels like home.

To read my interview with a college friend or two of Danielle’s (and some crazy comments) Click here. To see all of my Big Brother posts click here. If you are a fan of other reality TV shows, use the category list on the left to find the topics that interest you! Stick around, we have three more long days before the finale! And thanks @jokersupdates for the mention.

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