Opinion

Over-parenting's faulty logic FAMILIES

The brief reprieve of summer is almost over, and parents everywhere are bracing themselves for the return to school. Back to the homework wars, the grade worries and the endless carpools to a dizzying array of extracurricular activities. Back to the feeling that we have to be ever-vigilant in order to optimize our children's performance and hoping that somewhere down the line, whether that's this year or in a decade, it will all pay off with a letter of acceptance (preferably several) from a prestigious college or university.

We're worried and, in light of the miserable economy and the reality of global competition, with good reason. We want to make certain that in uncertain times, our kids have a leg up. But here's the irony: Our constant oversight, our over-parenting isn't doing what we think it's doing. Rather than giving our kids a leg up, it's making them less resilient, less resourceful and less engaged with learning. In other words, over-parenting makes our kids less, not more, likely to succeed.

Counterintuitive as it seems, the very things we're doing to secure our children's futures can end up compromising them. Pushing and over-scheduling prevent them from becoming competent adults capable of the resilience, perseverance, motivation and grit that business leaders say they'll need to compete in tomorrow's workforce. Just as importantly, it interferes with the ability to cultivate healthy relationships and to feel that life is meaningful.

Many parents have significant misunderstandings about how children learn and what circumstances are likely to drive success in them. Our (culturally sanctioned) faulty thinking is pushing us to do, in many cases, the exact opposite of what kids need to thrive. Here are some examples of our faulty logic:

It's never too early to push kids to the next level. Despite popular opinion, more and earlier is not better. Kids learn on Mother Nature's timetable. When we try to rush their natural development, we take away from the time and experiences they need to do what comes naturally at each age. Allowing children to learn at their own pace serves them far better than trying to force-feed them knowledge before they're ready to grasp it.

Studies show that kids enrolled in academic-based preschools actually tend to fall behind their peers who attend play-based preschools by the fourth grade.

Failure should be avoided. All of us learn from failure. The toddler who takes her first tentative steps will need to fall down dozens, if not hundreds of times. We understand this intuitively and don't freak out when our youngster stumbles. Fast-forward a few years, and we can't bear to leave the forgotten homework on the kitchen table. We're too afraid that our child will be upset, or be given a zero for missing work, forgetting what we knew when our child was a toddler. That it is exactly when failure is manageable (and yes, your child will survive a forgotten homework assignment) that kids have their best shot at developing the coping skills that are the underpinning of resilience and success.

It's important to structure children's time as much as possible. Self-directed play is the work of childhood. It's a classroom in which kids develop a whole set of skills that really matter in life. Consider what happens in a simple game of chase: Kids must agree on the game and cooperate with each other. They must determine who will be the leader, who will be the follower and when it's time to renegotiate. When we fill their days with classes, practices and games, there's just no time left for learning these critical lessons.

Most experts agree that kids should have twice as much unstructured free time as structured playtime. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends at least 60 minutes a day. If they can get that 60 minutes outdoors - climbing trees, chasing fireflies or playing baseball in an empty lot - so much the better.

Every kid needs a passion. Many parents think kids should find one skill or subject they care about - biology, dance or even baseball - and master it. The idea is that pursuing a passion will reinforce a love of learning while helping their children stand out from the crowd well before the teen years. This is the antithesis of what childhood is supposed to be: a time of exploration and discovery. It's better to let your 8-year-old try his hand at swimming, lacrosse, soccer and basketball, because investment in a single activity robs him of the opportunity to find other, potentially more rewarding interests. The child who plays on a traveling soccer team and goes to a specialized summer soccer camp will never know if baseball was really his thing.

Kids who don't conform to mainstream learning styles need tutors (and lots of them). Here's something to think about as you anticipate school's return: Kids' actions don't always conform to our ideas of what will make them "successful." They might seem disinterested, contrary and interested only in getting by with "the bare minimum." Those we label lazy or slackers are often those whose interests are either trivialized or who have given up trying.

Our schools aren't set up to teach kids with learning styles that might be creative or hands-on as opposed to analytic. They might disconnect or drop out because they're in an environment that doesn't allow them to thrive. Nagging and shaming won't help these kids. Tutors might not either. Speaking their language, teaching them in ways they can learn, will.

One more point to put things in perspective: Success for your children might not look like you expect it to, and the path that gets them there might not, either. Your job as a parent is not to ensure your children's future prosperity, push them to excel in every measurable area our society prizes or protect them from failure. Your job is to provide a reliable, stable, available and non-interfering haven. Research tells us that these are the conditions under which kids thrive. Not coincidentally, taking this view of parenting is likely to make our own lives less stressful and therefore make us more likely to thrive as well.

Ready to change your ways? -- Don't overemphasize academic success. Balance emphasis on academic success with interest in other areas of your child's development. -- Don't overbook them. Allow plenty of time for unstructured play. -- Learn to tolerate, even encourage, your kid's failures. We're not talking safety here, but the kinds of everyday failures that are inevitable and instructive. -- Let your kids try lots of different activities instead of becoming specialists. -- As much as you can, collaborate with your child's teacher to provide the learning environment that's right for your child.