Hello, internet.

Having escaped the confines of a dead-end common-law marriage that entailed abuse, infidelity, betrayal, and abandonment, I have been single and looking for the past couple of years. Being a pretty astute and perceptive observer, I have noticed several things about the women in my community that I don’t like. There are some women who love to label any man who challenges their will, no matter how hypocritical or irrational it may be, a misogynist, but I feel that this is akin to saying that someone who opposes Israel’s conquest of Palestine is an anti-Semite. And the truth is, most men would probably agree with what I am saying, but they are too afraid to speak up about it because they don’t want to be socially ostracized. And so, I have decided to record my complaints about women here, much like Martin Luther nailed his complaints about the Catholic Church to their door several hundred years ago. Most of these are based on one or more real-life women I’ve met in my life:

1. The gold-digging tease. I can’t think of any crueler way for a pretty girl to treat a single man than to lead him on, pretend to be interested in him when you are not, and entice him to waste his time, money, and energy on you. No one but a psychopath would wave a T-bone steak in the face of a caged, starving dog without giving him any, so why would you treat a man this way? Here’s my advice to women on the art of rejection: If you get the vibe that a guy is into you and you aren’t into him, you need to tell him immediately. It may not be a very pleasant confrontation, and it may entail missing the opportunity to bilk him out of favors, gifts, and free dinners, but it’s the right thing to do. The only alternative is to take pride in being a taker, a user, and a black hole from which no money can possibly escape.

2. The cock-blocker. Yes, your hot friend is special and deserves someone just as awesome as her. That doesn’t give you the right to make her decisions for her. You are not her goalie. Stop the shit-talking behind the back, slandering, and rumor-spreading. It only makes you look jealous of your friend’s attractiveness. It’s Jesus’s job to judge people, not yours. Also, your friend’s taste in men is not yours. Don’t let your personal bias chase the guys who are HER type away and only allow the guys who are YOUR type to have a chance. Truly caring about someone means helping them get what THEY want, not what YOU want for them. And if you think I’m “not good enough” for your friend, you can tell me that to my face, kthnx.

3. The deceptive slut. “Monogamy” and “commitment” are not dirty words. Stop making fun of me or calling me cheesy because I’m a hopeless romantic looking for something serious with the right person. Stop trying to get me to lower my standards by manipulating my ego. Stop breaking up relationships and making people in the community even more jaded by heartbreak than they already are. Marriage is not about possession or ownership, it is about mutual respect for eachother’s feelings. How bout this: I will refrain from slut-shaming you and respect your right to be polysexual with other people like you, as long as you refrain from making fun of me for being a monogamist or not getting laid as often as you. Because guess what? There is more to life than getting laid! And while you’re at it, stop trying to corrupt the more reserved women who are my romantic opportunities!

4. The abrasive radical 3rd-wave feminazi. Yes, I support a woman’s right to choose. I also believe in equal pay for equal work, gender equality under the law, and the abolishment of gender roles. Don’t mistake my disparaging of feminazis to mean that I don’t respect feminism. I’m a liberal, and all liberals, by definition, are feminists. But sadly, not all feminists are liberals. Once, this chick I knew told me she was afraid of her black roommate because she “didn’t want to get raped” (Her words, not mine). Then there is the materialism and classism rampant in the common female attitude. A woman who builds her own fortune is doing feminism right; a woman who marries for money is a trophy of a fascist empire and has been co-opted by a patriarchal system. If you are a feminist, but also a materialist, classist, and racist, please, don’t call yourself a liberal. It makes real liberals look bad. Conservative feminists who find Ayn Rand’s female protagonists inspiring are not feminists. They are feminazis, and their existence speaks to the phenomena of liberal special interests coming into conflict with the core values of liberalism. Liberalism is all about compassion, open-mindedness, equal opportunity, loving and aiding the downtrodden, and social inclusion, so if you aren’t about all that you aren’t a liberal.

Now, I’m all for smashing the patriarchy. Most women don’t realize that “male privilege” only applies to gender normative males. Not all males are privileged. So it would be more proper to call it “real man” privilege. Patriarchy is not rule by males, but rule by alpha males, and beta males suffer just as much as women under patriarchy. However, institutionalizing systemic emasculation and replacing patriarchy with matriarchy is a practice that turns you into the very monsters you had originally set out to fight. You are liberated now. Because, by definition, equality and privilege cannot coexist, female liberation effectively puts an end to chivalry. That means, you can hold your own doors, buy your own meals, and why not try asking a man out sometime instead of running passive-aggressive games like playing coy? Any man who does these things for you is just putting on a contrived display in a lame attempt to get in your pants, anyway. If you were smart you would find it a patronizing, sycophantic insult to your intelligence. And if you want to be treated with the respect of an equal, then live up to it. Stop blowing the rape whistle every time you want the men to come help you.

5. The newly-minted armchair Eastern mystic. I hate hippie-critical, self-serving advice. Don’t tell me to find happiness within if you haven’t spent as much time alone as I have. Don’t tell me I have a sense of entitlement if you haven’t lived as austerely as I have. Don’t tell me to find fulfillment in helping others if you haven’t sacrificed as much for causes as I have. Eastern mysticism is so vague that I often see it misinterpreted by westerners in ways that showcase their own selfishness, shallowness, and stupidity. This is a disgusting travesty. And it’s always some really super-rich Trustifarian suburbanite. Of course it’s easy for you to find inner peace from your ensconced position of wealth and comfort, carried on the backs of an over-exploited working class. It’s cool that you attended a few yoga classes and read ‘Be Here Now’ in college, but I was actually raised by a Zen Buddhist, so chances are, there isn’t much new information you are going to be able to tell me about it. And if you want to see who would make a better Buddhist monk, I’m willing to bet I can go for longer without sex than you can, and I’m probably a better kung-fu fighter than you as well. Namaste, bitch.

6. The hypocrite. I find that many women tend to hold double standards in their world view, and are hypocrites who seem incapable of rationality. I know so many women who think female gender roles are oppressive, and yet they still have all these preconceived notions in their heads about how a man should behave. Stop. If you don’t make 100k a year, have a proper height to weight ratio, and zero baggage, then don’t expect these things from a man. If you don’t want men to shame you for your sexuality, then don’t shame us for ours. Be logically consistent in your personal philosophy. I can’t speak for all men, but I find irrationality to be a huge turn-off, mostly because in my experience, hypocrites will usually end up flaking out or screwing you over for reasons that make sense only to them. And if you need a course on rationality, here’s a good start: Top 20 Logical Fallacies

7. The friend-hopper. If you’ve been in a relationship with a guy, the worst possible thing you can do is bang his friends when you are done with him. How would you like it if one of your exes made the rounds with your girl friends? That shit turns brother against brother, man! Uncool. How about this advice: Men tend to hang out in packs, so get to know the whole group first and decide which one you want most. This should all be a part of that ‘getting to know you’ phase before sex happens.

8. The uncouth rejector. When a man makes an unwanted pass at you, you don’t have to be a bitch about rejecting him. Slapping him in the face, calling him names, avoiding the confrontation altogether, or or getting one of your friends to talk to him on your behalf… These are all just rude, socially irresponsible, and immature ways to manage your social life. Instead, be flattered and take it as a compliment that someone likes you, even if the feelings aren’t mutual. You won’t always have to endure unwanted advances. With time, your looks will inevitably fade, and you will come to miss the days when it was easy to pick up men. So be gentle but firm, tell him there is someone out there for him, it just isn’t you. Have you ever spent weeks working up the courage to make an advance on someone, only to be harshly and painfully rejected? I didn’t think so. Men have feelings too, so be respectful of them.

9. The catty bitch who is unsympathetic to the socially frustrated. Look, existing social convention makes it a lot easier for a woman to get laid or even just make friends than a man. No one is trying to impress us or make us feel special, invited, or included. Your inbox may be full of opportunities, but for most men, the only opportunities that exist are the ones we make for ourselves. So don’t blame us just for trying. Your position is not ours. We can’t just sit there looking pretty waiting for someone to buy us dinner. We actually have to try, or else nothing will ever happen and we will die alone. So instead of admonishing a guy just for being pro-active about his social life, why not help him out? Introduce him around. Invite him to social functions. Give him good advice. Tell him what he’s doing wrong with women. Just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean someone else won’t. One girl’s trash is another girl’s treasure.

In my experience, women are always saying “let’s just be friends”, but attractive women tend to make terrible friends. If you’re going to be “just friends” with someone, why not actually BE a friend? In other words, be helpful and supportive instead of turning a cold shoulder. Don’t be socially negligent. This is how communities are built. Do you want to live in a cruel and uncaring, dog-eat-dog world, or do you want to live in a society?

10. The poser. There’s nothing I hate worse than someone who pretends to be something they are not. Relationships need to be based on a foundation of truth, not lies and phony posturing. Yes, I know that I’m ridiculously good-looking, but that is no reason to lie to me just to get me to like you. So often in dating, the possibility of sex causes honesty to go out the window. This is no way to build a lasting, functional relationship. So if you’re not REALLY into punk rock, comic books, libertarian socialism, or whatever, do me a favor and just tell me. I won’t be offended. To each his own. What are YOU into? I’d love to know. Being yourself is so much sexier than trying to fit in with something that isn’t really you.

11. The friend zoner. Just because you have known someone for a bit, don’t ever rule out the possibility that he might eventually want more than friendship with you. Some guys just like to get to know someone for awhile before they would even consider dating her. Believe it or not, men are just as wary of trusting the wrong person and getting hurt as women are. Some people find friendship to be a better way to get to know someone than dating. Just because a man doesn’t want to cold call someone he just met and barely knows in the name of avoiding ‘the friend zone’ doesn’t mean you should put him in that category. Do you like being categorized and put in boxes you can’t break out of? Neither do we.

12. The conceited porn star attitude. So you’re hot. Everyone likes your pics on Facebook. Your calendar is full of dates and your inbox is full of bad pick-up lines from horny guys. That’s great. But guess what? The earth still revolves around the sun. Your lifespan is just an eye-blink in the trillions of years the universe has existed. There are people who have accomplished more than you, and that has made them wealthier, more famous, and more respected than your pretty face ever will. And though one day your looks will inevitably fade, the rich will always be rich and the intelligent will always be intelligent. So take it all with a grain of salt. In the end, kindness and social conscience will always be more attractive than a selfish bitch with nice boobs. Narcissism and an obsession with make-up, fashion, and glorifying yourself at the expense of others will cancel out any physical attractiveness you may have.

13. The player-chaser. Some women are dumb enough to think that if a guy gets a lot of girls, this makes him more attractive. This reasoning is extremely flawed. Just because a man bangs a lot of chicks doesn’t mean he is somehow ‘better’ in bed or relationships than a guy who keeps his count low and spends a lot of time single. What it really means is that the women players are with are stupid and easily manipulated, and he is a lying douchebag. Think of it this way: the best lovers are usually the worst pick-up artists, because they don’t have to do it very often. Their skill is in keeping women, not winning them. Conversely, the guy who is terrible in bed is always having to pick new women up, so his skill as a pick-up artist is more developed than his skill in bed or relationships. If he were any good, he wouldn’t have to go out trawling for chicks all the time, because he would be able to keep one happy for longer than five minutes. The very idea that you should go after a man who already has more action than he can handle, while ignoring the guy who has been single for awhile, is akin to saying that a thriving plant should get more water than a dying plant, because the thriving plant “deserves” the water more. When in reality, it’s the dying plant that needs more water.

14. The hive-mind. You don’t have to agree with your girlfriends about everything, or constantly depend upon them for advice. Learn to think independently, and develop your own opinions. The sisterhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and is probably holding you back as an individual. Women tend to be extremely cut-throat with each other, and you shouldn’t trust them just because they share your genitalia. It’s just asking to be exploited by people who call you their friends. Also, fashion trends and chick magazines like Cosmo are not always right. Just because something is popular does not make it right. A million people could be convinced that 2+2=5, but that doesn’t make it so.

15. The breeder. As much as you swear to yourself and everyone that you don’t want kids, a hormonal change in your brain chemistry will eventually give you the urge to breed. But that doesn’t mean you should. The Earth is already overpopulated and if this trend continues, we will eventually outbreed our capacity to provide for the entire population, turning life into a living Hell for the human race. So maybe you should learn to control your hormonal drives, just as you demand that men control theirs. Also, a woman’s choice shouldn’t be a man’s responsibility, so be prepared to take care of the kids you decided to have, without the father’s help.

16. The emotionally detached and insensitive. There are women who are going to read this and say. “Quit Whining”. Well, there were women’s rights protestors at my state’s capitol all month all up in arms about new restrictions on abortion. Is that what they were doing? Whining? This is another way of disarming the arguments of men who stand up for their rights: Attacking the ego by calling it whining. Or saying something like: “Your neediness is such a turn-off.” Well guess what , honey? Your emotional unavailability isn’t very attractive either! Maybe you don’t want to date a “whiner”, but I don’t want to date a psychopath who is detached from her own emotions and tries to manipulate my ego in order to get me to “be a real man” and “tough it out”, which really just translates to “enduring your bullshit”.

17. The woman who refers to herself or others as ‘high maintenance’. Isn’t that a little insulting to your cause? Shouldn’t women be able to maintain themselves? Isn’t implying otherwise kind of… I dunno… sexist? Misogynistic? Or is it only cool to abolish sexism when it doesn’t serve your interests? Quit upholding patriarchal attitudes when they work for you. Like “only speak when spoken to”. And stop fucking all the alpha guys who run that patriarchal system you are supposedly against!

18. The projector. Women seem to love the false consensus effect. Stop applying your personal struggles to my life. What is good for you might not be good for me. Not everyone has the same problems you have, so the lessons you’ve learned may not be applicable to them. And stop preaching at me the lessons YOU need to learn!

19. The selection/participation biased. If there’s one thing I would impart to young, beautiful women, it’s simply this: with your physical appeal alone, you will only attract horny douchebags. In order attract smart, sensitive guys that will actually treat you well, you need to put effort into being attractive on a mental level. Otherwise, you will come off as a bimbo, which will scare the good guys away, and your pool of applicants will tend towards the coarse and the perverted, which will color your experiences with men in such a way as to give you a horrible impression of them. So it’s not really that all men are pigs, it’s that you are incapable of engaging the classy guys on an intellectual level, which makes them think you will be unable to meet their mental and emotional needs. Sometimes, a good guy will sink to playing bimbo games if he thinks its the only way to connect with a girl he really likes, but he will still end up treating you like a cheap slut because you will have given him the impression that this is what you want. Simply put, act like a bimbo, get treated like one.

20. The shallow and superficial. Most people don’t give a shit about social justice. They only care about their own gratification. Fuck those people. They don’t believe in anything. They are human garbage. Consumers. Machines. To be human is to rise above the animal nature that society placates with bread and circus, and fight for a cause with your higher rationality. So many times I hear from women: “I only do things that are positive.” But in sticking to positivity, haven’t you detached yourself from reality? Just like Dr. King said: “Only love can drive out hate”, but in a lassiez-faire society, those who are “too negative” or “haters”, “Don’t deserve love”, which is a ridiculously cowardly and self-reinforcing way to avoid social responsibility. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in dating someone with a false standard of reality, who has no social conscience.

21. The pimp for their friend that no one else wants. Yes I’m single. Yes it’s been awhile. No, I don’t want to bang your fat, dumb, ugly friend. Or a single mom. Or a prostitute. I don’t even like strip clubs. I will never be that desperate. Don’t insult me by suggesting I should hook up with anyone less than an equal. It is my sincere belief that the fat, ugly, stupid, and single parents belong together. I try to be realistic, but at the same time, I need someone who is at bare minimum on par with my own level. And it seems the longer I am alone, the stronger and more self-supporting I become. I’ve been in enough relationships to know that they can take a lot of work and be a major pain in the ass, so my standards tend to go up every day. Why would I go to all the trouble of cultivating a romantic relationship with someone to whom I am not attracted? I’m old enough to know what I like and what I don’t like! I want someone who is worth the trouble that relationships entail, and I’m not willing to settle for anyone else.

And that’s it. Sorry if my list was offensive. I don’t really care if 99.99% of women hate my guts for saying all this stuff, because I only need one woman on planet Earth to like me. Preferably a natural blonde or readhead with a nice body, who shares my values, priorities, and interests, and is reasonably intelligent. The rest of you can go fuck yourselves for all I care. I don’t want to be popular with women, I just want the one who is right for me.