WASHINGTON—As the inconsolable president stood outside in his threadbare robe in the early hours of Wednesday morning, employees sent by Deutsche Bank began removing possessions from the White House after Donald Trump defaulted on his loans, sources confirmed. “Come on, guys, just give me a couple more weeks and I can get the money together—no, not the TV!” said the tear-stricken commander in chief as repossession officers from the German bank carried items including the Resolute Desk, a portrait of Andrew Jackson, and his golf clubs out of the White House, informing him that the bank could no longer wait for him to pay back millions of dollars of debt. “Not the china, that was Reagan’s! Please, you guys know I’m good for it. I have the funds, you have to believe me, I’ve got them tied up in other things. I just have to move some money around. Wait, that’s my favorite chair! If my wife gets home and sees that her beautiful clothes and the Winston Churchill bust are gone, she’s gonna kill me! I’ll get the money—please don’t leave me with nothing.” At press time, the sobbing president was standing barefoot in the empty Oval Office after the Deutsche Bank employees had removed the slippers from his feet.

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