NEW YORK, NY – A preliminary coroners report from the FBI crime lab in Manhattan has revealed how Jeffery Epstein committed suicide by using his extensive background in ballistics and metallurgy to design and build an improvised .22 caliber handgun and bullets using everyday items gathered from around his empty prison cell. The report continues to state that Epstein then waited for a guard on 24hr suicide watch to blink before utilizing his considerable skills as a contortionist to shoot himself twice in the back of the head.

Attorney General William Barr has released a statement saying “I am satisfied with the report and feel that Americans can finally close the book on the Epstein’s death after a lengthy, minutes long investigation. I congratulate our team for their painstaking work reconstructing the crime, er not crime, tragedy. Yeah, that sounds better.”

While FBI agents are convinced the cause of death was suicide, they are still trying to determine how Epstein managed to disable the cameras on his cell block just prior to shooting himself. Their working theory is that he during his time in jail he must have researched and developed a miniaturized electromagnetic pulse generator which he then used to disrupt the closed-circuit camera feed.

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