Disclaimer: I’m going to sound like a “crazy” feminist (although, it’s the people who would say this talk is crazy whom I’d call crazy).

Isn’t it crazy how a single chromosome can change a person’s entire life course…

I imagine back to elementary school, when my fellow female friends and I were taller than our male classmates; to high school, when we were definitely more mature than they were. I also distinctly recall many girls being incredibly sharp in reading, writing, and mathematics throughout elementary and middle school, very often being the top in the class. Even in my senior year of high school, the ratio of males to females in the classrooms of my AP math and science classes were close to even.

Yet, something gradual happened during those years to when college rolled around. Something happened between my AP Calculus class having all girls + 3 boys to the floor of my software engineering internship where there are all boys + 3 girls.

When we were little and we were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, the options were limitless — we wanted to be astronauts, doctors, teachers, firefighters, librarians, dancers. We could envision ourselves doing anything. But, speaking for myself, as I’ve grown older and listened to what this “real world” is like, I’ve started to question what I’ve seen… Why do people talk more about policemen than policewomen? Why do I see so many women in administrative, communications, and recruiting jobs versus men? Why have all my technical interviews (except one) been led by male interviewers? Why do I find it hard to imagine female CTOs or male secretaries?

As a clarification, I absolutely respect every person’s life path and choice of career (given that it isn’t destructive to other people’s life paths). I’m not saying that being male and a CTO is a bad thing (there are many incredible male CTOs out there), or that being female and a secretary is bad either (just sayin’, Donna from Suits is a straight-up boss). What I’m asking is — why aren’t there more of different kinds of people in those roles?

I believe the problem starts with our imagination. As William Arthur Ward says, “If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it.” Well, what if you can’t imagine it or you don’t dream it at all? There are many roadblocks to allowing people to imagine and dream anything at all — how we speak about the world, how we view other people (and ourselves), and who speaks to the cause.

We need to change our language.

“Let’s explain this tree as a company hierarchy. The CEO on top, here, he directs the top engineer. But say the CEO demotes the top engineer, so he gets replaced with a new engineer. Now, that guy gets promoted….”

So goes the tale of the all-male company from my MIT algorithms class. There are many more examples of this: all inanimate objects being called “guys”, the MIT population being referred to as “guys” (“Those guys calculate the parabola that their footballs and basketballs will travel before they throw them!”), and hackers, engineers, technical internship mentors, mathematicians, traders, and CTOs/CEOs/CFOs all being assumed to be “he”s.

(Let me state here, that “guy” is not gender neutral. Sure, the plural “guys” has been accepted as including females, but why should we use a word with a masculine root to include females? Why not the other way around? See this analogy of male-centric words to race.)

Indeed, the romance languages use the masculine form of plural pronouns to include women and men. We often default to “he,” “man,” or “mankind” to talk about individuals or people in general. But, let’s be real — we’re talking about males in all of those contexts. You are not covering all people unless you use subjects such as “he or she” (although one should argue that this isn’t fully gender-inclusive), “they,” “one,” “humankind,” “everyone,” or “people”.

Why does it matter?

We hold many stereotypes about who “normally” holds different roles in society: surgeon, nurse, firefighter, secretary. Who did you imagine to fill the role of each? (Was it male, female, male, female?) Most people don’t realize what they subconsciously imagine.

We weren’t born thinking this way — I grew up with a sister who wanted to be a doctor (and now a surgeon), so when I hear “doctor”, I imagine a female more often than a male. Why can’t we imagine a nurse to be male just as easily? Why do we say “mailman”, “policeman”, and “lunch lady” more often then “mailwoman”, “policewoman”, and whatever a male lunch server would be called? (Does a word exist?!)

We limit what people can imagine themselves to be, by speaking in constricting ways. Even if we, in our minds, believe and know that anyone, male or female, can become a police officer, why would we speak as though all police officers are one sex? (Did you think male?) We prime ourselves and our thoughts based on our language. We need to speak what we want to see in the world.

We need to change our expectations.

Why is it big news when a female does something that so many males have done before? It’s as though we are saying, “Women can actually do what men can do.” Of course, they can! (I’m not saying we shouldn’t celebrate these accomplishments — we absolutely should.)

Where does the gap start to form, when it forms? It brings me back to wondering what happened to the girls in my classes who were those top achievers. A pressure grows, especially in middle school — worries about looking pretty and being attractive to boys (which excludes people who are not heterosexual) — become louder than worries about paving your path in the world, asking questions. I’ve become victim to those pressures, too — we all do at some point. The headlines we see in magazine articles, the images we see in advertisements (see “objectification”), the posts that we share on Instagram and Facebook all cultivate this expectation that women are made to be eye-candy for everyone, that people should fixate on women’s breasts, faces, or butts (guys even categorize themselves by how they rank these body parts)

It boils down to the expectations that we hold of others and ourselves. When people look at a little girl in a dress, she’s told, “You’re so pretty!” When she makes food and cleans after others, she’s told, “You’re going to be such a wonderful wife.” When she works long hours, she’s asked, “What will you do when you have kids?” She’s admired for caring for others and for being gentle, rather than for working selfishly towards her own goals and acting aggressively to get there. She isn’t applauded as readily or as often for her intelligence or boldness. She isn’t told, “It’s okay that you don’t cook or clean after yourself — you’re a girl.”

“Don’t worry about it now, but one day you’ll have to cook for your family.”

Males are held to another set of expectations. We expect males to be strong, confident, assertive, courageous, muscular, smart, aggressive, and competitive, amongst many other qualities. Boys are made fun of when they show vulnerability, when their voice cracks, when they cry, or when a girl beats them at sports or tests of intelligence. Their friendship is called a bromance; their tears are man tears; their products are made for men (and often emphasize so); they listen to music for guys (heavy metal, hip-hop, rock, and country are some of the acceptable genres); and their jokes revolve around their genitals. They are reminded to live the “manly” way and to learn “what it means to be a man”, like be the financial support of the family, work out a lot and look muscular, drool over women and win a wife, or live the bachelor’s life, eat lots of meat, own and drive fast cars, invent and build things, be intellectual, and lead companies and countries.

Why can’t women be held to typically “male” expectations, and vice versa? Why can’t all the quotes that talk about how a “man” must be X to be great, apply to women (and vice versa)?

We need to throw away these expectations and realize that every human being is capable the same feelings, characteristics, and feats as any other human. Both men and women are capable of feeling emotions, crying, being over-confident, showing weakness, leading others, putting oil in a pan and cooking something for their family, being slow at mental math, liking the color yellow or the color green, enjoying thrillers or dramas, being interested in nursing or in theoretical computer science research. These are possibilities for all beings — not just those of one sex. All humans have the ability and the right to be human.

We must change these perceptions of others and of ourselves. If we don’t, then we are limiting ourselves and our otherwise infinite potential.

We need more voices.

Males (primarily the heterosexual ones), I wish there were more of you to take on and speak out on this cause of gender equality and inclusion. If you’re afraid of feminism, you’re afraid of changing the standards of today and making it possible for people of every kind to express themselves and to exercise their human rights to the fullest. This isn’t just a cause for one sex and gender, but for all combinations of sex and gender.

If you were born the opposite sex, what would be your life purpose? Would your dreams and goals be any different from the ones you hold today?

Remember that it all started with a single chromosome. With the flip of a coin, your life could be completely different with today’s society. One day, the flip of the coin will have no bearing on your entire life course — all the doors will be open to everyone.

(Also, just remember that each of us wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for a woman.)