Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Note: Don’t forget that today is random drug-testing day in C&J. If you test negative, you'll be escorted to the exit by security. And since security will be totally buzzed, we'd appreciate it if you'd help them find the exit. Thank you. ---Mgt.

-

By the Numbers:

Days 'til the Democratic National Convention: 35

Days 'til the 71st Central New York Scottish games & Celtic Festival in Liverpool: 10

Rank of "misrepresentations in advertising or sales of new and used cars, lemons, faulty repairs, leasing and towing disputes" among the top U.S. consumer complaints: #1

(Source: Consumer Federation of America survey)

Current overall unemployment rate in Spain: 24.6%

Current unemployment rate among those under 25 in Spain: 53%

(Source: AP)

Projected Maine blueberry crop haul this year, the highest since 2000: 90-95 million pounds

(Source: The Portland Press Herald)

Estimated ratio of Republican-to-Democrat spending at strip clubs during conventions: 3:1

(Source: Association of Club Executives strip club survey)

U.S. Olympic Medal Count: Gold: 9 Silver: 8 Bronze: 6

-

Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 5 gogs and 1 discount doorstop). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

-

Puppy Pic of the Day: "Gladys! Fetch me the Penske file!"

-

CHEERS to August. The dog days. The month everybody should be allowed to take off for vacation. (Right, France?) The month everyone wears the shit out of their whites because they know Labor Day's just around the corner. Lollapalooza starts Friday in Chicago, and the 13th is the high Republican holiday known as "Blame Someone Else Day." The next 31 days include National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, Watermelon Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Mustard Day, Potatoe (I prefer the Dan Quayle spelling) Day, Cherry Popsicle Day and Trail Mix Day, to be followed on September 1st with "Honey, Where Did We Put The Treadmill?" Day. Neil Armstrong and I blow out our birthday candles on the 5th, a day after Barack Obama turns 51. Tonight is a full moon, which will bring out the werewolves. ("Where wolves?" "There wolves!" Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!) Of course, it's also the time of year in which you never, ever want to introduce a bogus war based on shitty intelligence to the public. P.S. Hot enough for ya?



Phelps

to making a…wait for it…wait for it…Hey, USA, guess what? The world record holder of the most Olympic medals is no longer a [] Russian. As of today it's an athlete who eats, drinks and farts red, white and blue, baby!!! Michael Phelps. Aqua Man. 19 medals . #1. Made in America. He clinched it in the 4x200 something something something relay.So, yeah, that happened. Suck it, world.

JEERS to the liar flier. Oh, yeah, I forgot…Mitt Romney's little Baintastrophe isn't over. Now that he's back on American soil, we can pick up where we left off, which was Romney denying he had anything to do with the company between 1999 and 2002. Turns out he was quite the shuttle bug:



[A] new report from the Associated Press reveals that the former Massachusetts governor made several trips to Boston to meet with partners and other key employees at Bain Capital’s headquarters while running the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. The details contradict Romney’s claim that he did not interact with the company after leaving in February of 1999.

Oops! Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says a Bain muckety muck told him that Romney paid no taxes for ten years , which opens a whole new front on his financial morality. And in the laugh line of the day, the Romney camp is branding Mitt's European trip a "great success." They forgot to finish their sentence: "…for Obama."

JEERS to stealing your young'uns lollipops. It's been amusing to watch the establishment Republicans get outfoxed in so many states by the Ron Paulites, who have garnered a hefty share of delegates. But that's really pissed off the geezers at the country club, who have resorted to attempting outright theft:



Republicans are fighting. Enjoy the show.

Peter Cianchette, a prominent Republican leader, and Janet Martens Staples, a Maine representative on the Republican National Committee, filed the challenge to 14 pro-Paul delegates and alternates on Saturday, the last day they could be challenged. A letter signed by Cianchette and sent to the counsel for the RNC in Washington claims there were illegal votes at May’s state Republican Convention, that a quorum wasn’t present when votes for delegates were case, and that convention officials violated party and parliamentary rules, according to the Bangor Daily News. Staples said the integrity of the process is at stake.

That's bullshit. The Paulites won because theyand put in the work. But, hey, far be it from me to interfere when the opposing factions of the opposing party are going at it. Gee, this popcorn tastes swell.

CHEERS to electricity. But jeers that it appears a massive chunk of India is without it. If the problem persists today, be prepared for your customer service wait time to be really long. If the problem is resolved, be prepared for your customer service wait time to be really long.

CHEERS to happy hunting. A group of ghost hunters---yes, ghost hunters---is going to set off into the northern Maine woods this weekend on a quest to find Bigfoot:



Insert foot

Loren Coleman, curator of the International Cryptozoology Museum in Portland…[says] "What's happened with Bigfoot is it's become a modern eco-tourism, we call it cryptotourism, people used to go out and go camping and do bird watching or orient toward mountains, now people actually go out and look for Bigfoot […] I think the possibility for Bigfoot in northern Maine is slight," he added, assessing the chances of success. "If there are reports up there, and there are some sightings, that's probably some interlopers from the boreal forests, the mountain range forests of Quebec and New Brunswick. There doesn't seem to be a viable living population in northern Maine."

If they don't meet Bigfoot in the wild, they've got a backup plan: dropping by the Governor's mansion to meet Big Foot-in-Mouth.

-

Six years ago in C&J: August 1, 2006

CHEERS to the Winners of the Week. A straight couple that owns a B&B in Meade, Kansas has incurred the wrath of the townsfolk by flying an American flag outside their place. Oh, and also a rainbow flag:



A local pastor stopped by and said it was equivalent to hanging women's panties on a flag pole. When Knight jokingly said he might consider that, the preacher said he would have him arrested. [...] Local resident, Keith Klassen says the flag is a slap in the face to the conservative community of Meade. "To me it's just like running up a Nazi flag in a Jewish neighborhood.

Responded owner J.R. Knight: "When this rainbow flag shreds, I will buy another one, and another one, and another one---just like my American flag, I'll buy another one." I suggest we airdrop a few hundred over that sweet little hamlet of Americana (and maybe a few thousand rainbow-colored water balloons on the pastor...)

-

And just one more…

CHEERS to putting a bastard in his place. Along with Limbaugh, Norquist and Beck, Bill Kristol is one of the field marshals in the Republicans' Grand Army of Ideological Purity. He's also a big dope. His chronic inaccuracy, especially regarding the Iraq war, means he's either pathetically ignorant...or deliberately deceptive. In the interest of not letting his jerkitude vanish in the ether of time, here are a handful of his gems. Via David Corn and Think Progress:



March 1, 2003: "Very few wars in American history were prepared better or more thoroughly than this one by this president." March 5, 2003: "We'll be vindicated when we discover the weapons of mass destruction." April, 2003: “On this issue of the Shia in Iraq, I think there’s been a certain amount of, frankly, a kind of pop sociology in America that, you know, somehow the Shia can’t get along with the Sunni and the Shia in Iraq just want to establish some kind of Islamic fundamentalist regime. There’s almost no evidence of that at all. Iraq’s always been very secular."

Emperor Kristoltine May 16, 2004: Referring to Abu Ghraib: “It is insane for this country to be obsessing … about a small prisoner abuse scandal." June 13, 2006: “Cheney’s statement [that Connecticut Democratic senatorial candidate Ned Lamont’s primary victory helps al Qaeda] is indisputably correct.” Feb. 10, 2007: Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) is “sort of the opposite of Lincoln. He would have been with Stephen Douglas in 1858″ in appeasing slave owners. July 13, 2008: "George W. Bush's presidency will probably be a successful one."

"You said it's the best, it's a little more expensive, but it's better. I just want to write this down: The government runs the best health care. ... So what you are suggesting is that the government could run the best health care system for Americans, but it's a little too costly so we should have the shitty insurance company health care."

But once in awhile, when he's not on his friendly turf at Fox News or, he steps in his own poopies, as he did on the July 28, 2009 edition of. While discussing the horrors of universal health care, he unwittingly admitted that universal, government-administeredhealth care is the best. Jon Stewart then knocked his logic outta the park Feel free to alternately laugh and flip the bird at the neocon sonuva bitch…for the rest of his miserable life.

Have a nice Wednesday. Love, The Whole Gang. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

-

Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

“Kiss my ass! This is Cheers and Jeers---show some respect.”

---Rick Gorka

7/31/12

-