HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m trying to buy a flowy maxi dress or thigh-length cardigan,” said Bell, looking aghast as she scanned the Chico’s website for flattering blouses that wouldn’t “leave my tits popping out all over the place.” “Tank tops, leopard-print ponchos, high-waisted palazzo pants; what am I, some red-mouthed whore? That floozy Kathleen Meyer and her wino friends all shop at Chico’s, and they’re always whoring up the Rotary Club meetings. I can’t let anyone see me shopping there or they’ll think I’m one of those tarts.” At press time, Bell had returned from Talbots empty handed, announcing she wasn’t about to spend $200 to dress like grandma.

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