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Silicon Valley, CA. — Facebook is excited to announce that they are finally launching their gold account program. This will now be available to all of their 800 million active users at a price of $9.95 per month. Some say this is a move that has been in the works for years, others say it’s being released now due to Facebook’s declining stock price. Regardless what the reasons are, users could not be happier.

“It’s so cool! There is now all these new features in my account that I didn’t have before. I can finally dislike a comment if I want to, this makes me so happy,” says 24 year old Sarah Michaels, an avid user of Facebook for the past three years.

Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg says he’s excited about the new monthly plan. “Users have been contacting us for years telling us how they would pay a monthly fee if it included special features that non paying members didn’t have access to. Well now we can offer them Facebook Gold.”

Facebook spokesman Paul Horner announced the new features of the gold account at a press conference this afternoon. “For $9.95 per month users will get original images and content which can only be seen by other Facebook Gold members. Users will now have access to a ‘dislike’ button. It will give them the ability to dislike or not approve of certain comments, pictures or videos that other users post. Members will now have the ability to poke up to 100 people at once, 3 of them a month being in real life. Facebook staff just requires a 24 hour notice on poking people in real life.”

Long time Facebook user Kyle Brock says he will not upgrade his account to gold. “I’m not giving them $10 a month just so I can do a couple extra things on Facebook that I can’t do right now. Plus I really only use Facebook to play the free Avengers game they have on there. I’m at a really high level right now and probably could beat almost anyone out there. People joke around and ask me where is the level I lose my virginity at, but I think they are just jealous of my gaming skills.”

Facebook is also launching a Platinum account, but that is going to set you back a cool $999.95 per month. Along with all the great features of the gold account, It will also give you time share use of one of Facebook’s many beautiful and exotic private islands. Platinum will also allow you one-on-one meetings once a month with Mark Zuckerberg to discuss any problems or concerns you may be having with your account. Platinum accounts include 24/7 surveillance of up to 3 people on your friend’s list. Monthly reports are delivered by Facebook private investigators detailing the subject’s actions and whereabouts. Reports come in CSV or PDF format. High resolution photos are sent as JPEGs.

The staff at Facebook has made turning your regular account into Gold easy. While logged in, type the following as your new status update, “I WANT TO GO GOLD!” After that include the password that you use to log in with and then hit ‘Post’. Facebook has ensured the safety of your account by encrypting your password and turning it into asterisks not viewable by the public once it has been posted. After this a new screen will appear offering you various payment options. Once your payment has been processed you’ll immediately have access to all the fun and exciting perks of having a gold account. This process is the exact same for Platinum members, simply replace the word ‘Gold’ with ‘Platinum’.

Paul Horner ended the press conference by saying, “We’re excited about launching this today. I think investors will be happy about these new features as well and in return that should reflect a rise in our stock price. It’s time you went gold, Facebook Gold!”