Generally, when opposing counsel tells you to “eat a bowl of dicks,” you know that your settlement talks are going nowhere fast. When opposing counsel later informs you that he’s going to “let the long dick of the law f*ck [your client],” then you know that something may be amiss. When opposing counsel then begins to refer to you as a “cumstain” and a “limp dick mother f*cker,” you may realize that your settlement talks have gone completely off the rails. When opposing counsel threatens to “water board each one of [your client’s] trolls who show up for depo without any mercy whatsoever,” and claims that he “know[s] where you live,” you know it’s time to file ex parte with a judge to get some much-needed relief.

This is what happened in a recent dispute between Christopher Hook, a plaintiffs’ lawyer in California, and a legal team at Sheppard Mullin led by partner Peter Klee. The matter itself is a simple insurance dispute over about $200,000, but Hook’s conduct has turned it into a complete circus sideshow. Sheppard Mullin represents Allstate and Hook represents a couple trying to fight the company for an ever-increasing amount of funds, into the millions.

In a declaration supporting Allstate’s ex parte application for relief, Klee says Hook “bombarded” him and his colleagues with “over 100 emails.” Here’s a taste of what went down between Hook and the lawyers at Sheppard Mullin:

That’s a special brand of legalese that you don’t get to see every day — and it’s not even the best part. In response to Sheppard Mullin’s ex parte application, Hook filed a response claiming that this was a “confidential negotiating tactic,” and he realizes that his language may have “crossed the line.” Check it out (emphasis added):

No further action has been taken by the judge in this case yet, but we can’t imagine that Hook — who has no prior disciplinary actions against him — will be able to make his way out of this incredibly messy episode unscathed.

UPDATE : It seems Judge Otis D. Wright issued the following order in this case:

(Flip to the next page to see all of the emails that Hook sent to Sheppard Mullin.)

Staci Zaretsky is a senior editor at Above the Law, where she’s worked since 2011. She’d love to hear from you, so please feel free to email her with any tips, questions, comments, or critiques. You can follow her on Twitter or connect with her on LinkedIn.