Today we bring you a Tester’s Corner from Tim, the only man brave enough to shed even a little light on his experience with the horrors and mysteries that lurk behind Kara no Shoujo.

So I’ve been trying to come up with something to write about Kara no Shoujo for a while. It’s a bit of a trick since I can’t really say anything specific about the game without giving away spoilers on the level of, “Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father,” or “Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time,” or “Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze.” If you just IMDB’ed that last one, you’re probably too young to be visiting this website; finish your homework, brush your teeth, and go to bed – it’s a school night. First up, take a look at this magnificent bastard. Tokisaka Reiji, the protagonist. As you can see, he takes style tips from former prime minister Koizumi Junichiro, a man who defeated Nazis on the moon with the pure power of his hair (and a bit of help from a mahjong set). So you know he means business. He is not the typical Perpetually Undecided Slow Stupid Youth (or PUSSY for short) you would have at the helm of a high school harem game. He’s here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And he’s all out of bubble gum. This is one of the first images you see in the game. And this is about as happy as things ever get. It’s all downhill from here. Hope you weren’t expecting unicorns and double rainbows, because you’ll have to settle for psycopaths and double homicides. Here we have Uozumi, a cop, and Natsume-san, a medical examiner. Now all we need is Sam Waterston, and we’d have the makings of a new Law and Order spin-off. Except that what goes on here makes even Special Victims Unit look like Nickelodeon. Even though I have a bad habit of watching SVU (which is all about brutal crimes involving rape, child molestation, and sodomy in case you don’t watch it) for hours on end, there were parts of Kara no Shojo that had me wincing in pain or reeling in disgust because of how viscerally intense they get. I kid you not: in one scene I was actually overtaken by the stench and taste of death and started gagging. SHIT. GETS. REAL. But don’t worry. You can always go to Cafe Moon World to wash away your sorrows with whiskey and coffee so dark light bends around it. Because that’s how hard-boiled men solve their problems. And if you want to be a proper hard-boiled man, you need to learn to enjoy coffee that looks, tastes, and feels like coal. Drink coal and piss diamonds. Do you have the testicular fortitude to investigate dismembered bodies and track down the son of a bitch behind all this? Then grab your fedora and trench coat; you’ve got a long journey ahead of you. You’ll have to pass through the center of Hell itself before emerging on the other side to look up and see the stars.

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