Sometimes it’s easier to understand business and economics using cows. We wondered whether the same would be true for crypto.

Bitcoin. You have two cows. They’re slow, solid, reliable creatures. You like cows, so you keep them forever.

Ethereum. You have two cows. Aliens come in the night, remove the insides of the cows and replace them with quantum computers. After that the cows can do Turing-complete backflips, though sometimes they get really slow and stop the other cows working properly. There are problems with gas, and sometimes the cows look more like cats.

Ripple. You have two cows. The company has 60 billion cows. It offers to sell you some cows. You’re not sure what the first two cows were for, since you can’t actually find any legitimate use for them, and they’re already worth less than you paid for them.

EOS. You have a cow. You were originally thinking of buying two cows, but the first one cost $4 billion and took a year to build, and you just want to sell it and get out of the cow business by now.

Bitcoin Cash. You have two cows. They crash into each other, burst into flames and stampede off in opposite directions, mooing wildly. You find a safe spot away from both of them and use some of the cow debris to buy popcorn.

Litecoin. You have two cows. An engineer tunes up your cows, making them four times lighter and enabling them to run 4x faster. Periodically the engineer drops in and fits new features to your cows, like wheels, and a sail. The public still isn’t convinced that litecows are better than the original cows.

Tether. You have two cows. Exactly two cows. No more, no less. Sometimes they look like 2.1 cows, but everyone ignores that until the inconvenient 0.1 cows goes away.

Dogecoin. You have two cows. Except they’re dogs. You milk them anyway and sell the milk, which you use to buy actual cows. You feel kind of dirty, but hey, it’s the free market.

DASH. You have two cows. They charge into a herd of cows at the speed of sound, mingle with 10,000 other cows, and then two identical cows emerge and come charging back at you. They might be your cows. They might not. No one will ever know.

Fiat. You have two cows. They look slightly smaller every time you look at them. You’ve had them for a few years now, and now they’re about the size of a badger. The government tells you it’s fine and says you should go back to work to earn more badgercows.

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