So I've legally been a dad for about a year now, even if I have in some way been a father to all of you for much longer than that. But I haven't talked about it too much here, because a) big freaking deal, and b) I didn't know much at all about what was going on. Parenting was a dark and stinky fog I had to navigate through, and for a long time I had only a fraction of the information I normally need when I want to half-assedly write a column about a subject.

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But after a year of diaper fighting, I now brim with parenting wisdom, and in the grand Cracked tradition of telling you things that no one else will tell you, I'm here to tell you things that no one else will tell you. Because although you'll hear many of the same cliches again and again when you become a parent -- "They grow up so fast," "They're just a little miracle," and "Are you going to do something about all that screaming?" -- there are a bunch more really important things that never seem to get mentioned. Things like ...