TULSA, OK—Emphasizing that his house was perfectly fine to live in now and really didn’t need that many updates, local 32-year-old Jerry MacQuoid confirmed Friday that he didn’t want to put too much effort into fixing up a home he was just going to burn down for insurance fraud one day. “Sure, the floors are scuffed, and a lot of the fixtures are definitely from the eighties, but why would I sink all that time and money into improvements if I’m inevitably going to end up torching the place for a quick buck?” said MacQuoid, who added that while he saw the benefits of finishing the basement and putting in a new kitchen, hiring contractors and architects would ultimately just make his attempts to extort half a million dollars from his insurance company even more complicated. “Look—do I see myself raising my family in this house? No. I see us in a big two-story home in the suburbs, after I’ve burned this one to the ground, hired a lawyer, and sued everyone for all they’re worth. Might as well start dousing the place in kerosene sooner than later, right?” At press time, MacQuoid told reporters that he had actually decided to splurge on one upgrade, a new electrical panel which would both lower his utility bill and mysteriously explode on his next vacation.

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