Confessions of an intimate terrorist: It's the buzzword for bullying husbands - but now researchers say WOMEN are the worst offenders. Here, one scary wife admits all



As far as moments in my marriage go, it wasn’t one of the proudest. In fact, I still feel a flush of shame at the memory of throwing my plate of pasta at my husband Keith’s head — the arc of steaming sauce hurtling towards him as he leapt, just in time, out of the way.

And I didn’t stop there. As he stood, stunned, a sorrowful strip of tagliatelle clinging to his shoulder, I then put the verbal boot in, just for good measure. ‘You’re a complete failure,’ I spat. ‘Just remind me again: what is the point of you?’

I know. I’m a horrible wife. I wish I could pretend this was an isolated incident, but I’d be lying.



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Held hostage: The author admits being an intimate terrorist - how many other spouses can say the same?

There have been far too many occasions in my 15 years of marriage where something ugly and furious has risen in me — a wrath I can’t explain — and I have lobbed emotional hand grenades at my poor, long-suffering husband.

It’s not even as if he deserves to be at the receiving end of such bile. He has never thrown crockery at me or raised a hand in anger, despite some serious provocation.

He isn’t insulting, degrading or controlling. And yet I have been all of the above towards him.

This lovely man — who stroked my hair as our four babies were born, who brings me coffee every morning without fail — is, I’m ashamed to say, hostage to my unforgivable behaviour.

There’s even a term for it: intimate terrorism. Coined in the Nineties by American sociologist Michael P. Johnson to define an extreme form of controlling relationship, the phrase gained notoriety when TV cook Nigella Lawson used it to describe how her former husband, Charles Saatchi, sometimes treated her.

Marriage: Shona Sibary and her husband Keith

Until now, experts have largely agreed it is men who are almost always responsible for these acts of threat, intimidation and violence in a relationship. But new research seems to have turned this accepted view on its head.

Recent work by psychologists at the University of Cumbria has concluded that women are ‘significantly’ more likely to be verbally and physically aggressive to men than the other way around.

However, to know I am not alone in treating my husband this way does not make me feel any better.

I often wonder why marriage has not only brought out the very worst in me, but also turned me into an occasional monster. Before walking down the aisle, I truly believed the platitude about love ‘completing’ you.

Naively, I assumed that becoming a wife would magically turn me into a better person.

But it hasn’t. On the contrary, I often hate how I’ve become around Keith. Just the other day, we were having yet another argument about who does what around the house — the perpetual marital dispute.

So far, so normal. But I took it one step further and told him that he is the only husband I know who can’t successfully juggle a career with family life. This was a lie designed to hit him where it hurts most.

Worst still, it was blatant intimidation. One of my regular weapons of choice is to try to somehow diminish my husband’s efforts by comparing them to those of other men he knows and respects.

On this occasion, Keith quite rightly pointed out that I was bullying him and went to leave the room. But I wasn’t finished. ‘You’re a grown man,’ I screamed at his retreating back. ‘Man up and get over it.’

I haven’t always been like this. In fact, I always swore I would never become the kind of controlling harridan who forces their cowering husband to seek solace in a shed at the bottom of the garden.

Keith doesn’t have a shed, but he does retreat, increasingly, to the golf course. Who can blame him? Well, me, actually. I often use his absence at the weekends to manipulate him.

Yes, you can escape to play 18 holes. Just be damn sure that the next time we’re having a row I’ll be slinging it right back in your face.

You might wonder what drives me to behave in such a way or if there is some hidden reason for the inexcusable hurt I cause.

Happy family: Author Shona Sibary at home with her children Florence, Annie, Monty and Dolly

I have a theory, but it won’t be a popular one. The reality is that the roles in my relationship — like so many modern marriages — are not clearly defined. I earn money and I also match up the odd socks.

I clear out gutters, but I read bedtime stories, too. In fact, so busy is my husband in his job as a sales consultant that I make most of the major decisions at home.

SO ARE YOU AN INTIMATE TERRORIST?

By JOHN ARCHER, professor of psychology at the University of Central Lancashire This week, I co-authored a report that found women were more likely to be verbally and physically aggressive to men than the other way around. This is known by some as intimate terrorism, though I prefer to use the term ‘intimate partner violence’. But how do you know if you are guilty of intimate terrorism? Whether it’s plate throwing and tantrums or more subtle criticism and controlling behaviour, here are some of the signs: YOU SHOUT Shouting is the first step towards intimate partner violence. It can have a detrimental effect on a relationship relatively quickly.

Physical aggression hardly ever occurs without a preceding verbal argument — one partner says something hurtful or critical and the other has a go back at them. So watch out for shouting. YOU GET PHYSICAL Aggression towards a partner might be low level to start with, but progress to slapping and then punching or even kicking. My research shows many women are guilty of lower-level aggression. Many men won’t hit a woman, even in self-defence. But those who do, including the so-called intimate terrorists, are more likely to cause injuries that require medical attention. YOU ‘LOSE IT’ WITH STRANGERS This is one of the main signs of intimate terrorism. Those who are aggressive to their partners are usually violent outside the relationship as well. Perhaps you suffer road rage, get prickly with people in queues or lose your temper with waiters. YOU TRY TO CONTROL YOUR PARTNER The intimate terrorist gets jealous very easily. So perhaps you always want to know where your partner is going. If the suspicions escalate you may start going through a partner’s pockets, checking their texts, reading their emails and monitoring their Facebook account. You may even try to control when they see family and friends. Financial control is also a habit of the intimate terrorist. YOU TAKE IT OUT ON THE DOG The intimate terrorist is guilty of all sorts of vindictive behaviour. This can include hurting the family pet, especially if it is dear to your partner. It can also involve trying to make children part of an argument in the hope the other parent comes off badly. YOU’RE GETTING WORSE The survey used in my research included questions on threatening to use a weapon on a partner. Worryingly, many men and women admitted to this. Plate throwing may occur more often than we would care to admit, but repeated and escalating physical aggression is characteristic of the intimate terrorist.

Relationship experts agree that the blurring of roles within marriage is one of the reasons behind the ever rising divorce rates. As women feel less secure and safe, they seek control in other areas.

Women have always been verbally more controlling than men because they lack not just physical power but earning power, too.

We’ve had to learn, from an early age, that words are our best weapon. We can use language to manipulate and be cruel. It’s the one thing we have over men.

In my defence, I have only once resorted to direct physical violence when, in a moment of utter fury, I kicked Keith hard in bed because he had the temerity to fall asleep during one of my epic rants.

I have slammed doors a whisker from his nose on many occasions, but he has never retaliated. Not once.

Were he ever to lash out, he would face widespread condemnation. Yet, as a member of the so-called ‘weaker’ sex, I can continue my threatening and aggressive behaviour unchecked.

It will probably come as no surprise to anyone that on the one occasion, before we married, that Keith was unfaithful to me, he chose a complete drip of a girl called Lucy.

They met at Singapore airport — he was on his way to Sydney for a work trip — and the airline managed to lose all of Lucy’s luggage. She wept at the baggage reclaim, a vulnerable damsel in distress, and he couldn’t resist leaping, knight in shining business suit, to her aid — and into her hotel bed.

Later, when he tried to explain why he had slept with her, the only explanation he could come up with was that ‘she was vulnerable’.

I should have picked up on that then because I know my marriage would be a lot happier if I was that kind of soft woman and made him feel more in control, more of a man.

I wish I could, in the same way, make him feel like such a man. But the truth is that, over time, he has become a mouse in our marriage and I know I’m entirely to blame.

It’s not that I’m a nagging wife or, God forbid, a needy one. Perhaps if I wept and pouted a little more my husband might not feel so diminished or, as he often tells me, intimidated by my words and actions.

Just the other day he accused me, yet again, of bullying because I demanded, a bit more vocally this time (it was the third round of asking), for him to please, ‘before I draw my bloody pension’, fix the light above the oven.

Perhaps it’s my tone. Or the fact I don’t bat my eyelids. Probably there are many wives out there who are rolling their eyes and silently sympathising with me. After all, not all of us can perfect the feminine wiles of Scarlett O’Hara to get what we want from our man.

But I know I always take things a step too far. It’s not that I don’t pander to Keith, but I am also, on occasions, scathing and critical.

He talks really, really slowly — it’s just his way — and I have been known to gesture a ‘hurry up’ motion with my hands to get him to the end of the sentence.

Several times I have even left the room while he is mid-sentence for fear of flying into a frustrated rage if I stand there a moment longer.

There’s no denying I’m the ‘baddie’ in our marriage, brandishing my emotional strength and verbal articulacy like a Kalashnikov. I’m the bully and Keith’s the victim. Our roles are so clearly defined that I can’t put down my weapon and he can’t stop feeling emasculated. It’s become our ‘normal’, even though — I know that people will find this difficult to believe — we love each other very much.

Perhaps Katharine Hepburn had it right when she famously said: ‘Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.’