WHEN the American president turns up at an international meeting, you know he’s the boss of everyone because his cavalcade is 18 miles long and he’s sitting in a giant Cadillac that could survive a direct hit from the Battlestar Galactica.

Things aren’t so bad for the German Chancellor either, because she can arrive in a large Mercedes. The Italian leader, meanwhile, can rock up in a Maserati, which is pretty cool, and Theresa May has an armour-plated Jaguar which works well too.

12 Theresa May was ousted by Prince Charles

Then the French president arrives and oh dear…

Because he has to use a French car, obviously, he turns up in a Renault Clio and immediately, everyone assumes he’s delivering a package and sends him round the back, to the tradesman’s entrance.

This pecking order is even more obvious at the airport, where Trump lands in Air Force One, a hugely impressive aircraft that can be refuelled in mid-air and is able to confuse incoming missiles with all sorts of military spec whizz-bangery.

12 Prince Charles and Duchess of Cornwall arrive in Vienna - in the £10M Thereasy-Jet Credit: Getty Images

12 Fortunately for the Duchess, the Prince has brought a hairdresser along - and not forgetting the man from his 'sustainability unit' to possibly consider the irony of flying around Europe in a 'machine that churns through £2,000 worth of jet fuel every 60 bloody minutes' Credit: Getty Images

MOST READ IN OPINION Comment ADRIAN CHILES It is possible to drink much less, yet enjoy drinking all the more Exclusive 'I BELIEVE HIM' After 'Naughty Tory's' sex assault, why his wife controversially backs him Comment THE SUN SAYS Boris is blunt but correct to say the EU are being 'abusive' to Britain Comment LEO MCKINSTRY Shameful BBC can find millions for stars as the axe comes down on pensioners Comment JANE MOORE The 'rule of six' is an unnecessary, unworkable and largely unenforceable mess Comment THE SUN SAYS Neighbourliness will get us through Covid — not snitching & curtain twitching Comment RULE OF SNITCH Would you land your neighbour in the snoop for breaking the 'rule of six'? Comment ALLY ROSS EastEnders is reborn but the same old bias is still there for wall to see Comment THE SUN SAYS Good on this Government for finally reforming our broken justice system

And everyone else? Well, mostly they turn up in chartered mini jets or on a scheduled flight, which makes them look weak and pathetic.

That’s why I backed David Cameron’s decision to convert an RAF airbus into a luxury long-distance cruiser.

It became known as Cam Force One. But is now the Thereasy-Jet.

Mrs May has been in Jordan, doing all sorts of important things, and I felt proud to think that she’d landed on this important mission in a dirty great jet that said Royal Air Force down the side.

12 Despite doing important things in Jordan, Theresa May had to charter her own plane because the £10M Thereasy-Jet was being used by Prince Charles Credit: PA:Press Association

12 Theresa May's charter plane came at a cost to the taxpayer of around £120,000 Credit: Reuters

This is a statement that says “Hello, foreigner. I’m British. So pay attention”.

But no. She’d had to charter her own plane — at a cost to the taxpayer of around £120,000 — because the £10million Thereasy-Jet was being used by Prince Charles.

Yup, he was using it to hop around Europe with a hairdresser, two valets, an equerry (whatever that is) and someone from something called a “sustainability unit”.

When the American president turns up at an international meeting, you know he’s the boss of everyone because his cavalcade is 18 miles long and he’s sitting in a giant Cadillac that could survive a direct hit from the Battlestar Galactica

12 When Donald Trump turns up, you know he’s the boss of everyone because his cavalcade is 18 miles long and he’s sitting in a giant Cadillac that could survive a direct hit from the Battlestar Galactica Credit: Getty Images

This gives us a problem.

Obviously, we can’t have Prince Charles turning up for whatever he was doing in the back of a Ryanair plane out of Luton.

But nor is it appropriate for the Prime Minister to spend thousands of pounds chartering the sort of private jet that’s full of rock star sick and some suspicious powder in the lavatory.

And of course, it would be far too expensive to have two jets, one for the Royal Family and one for the Government.

So how’s this for an idea? The Prime Minister has full-time use of the plane and Charles buys himself a new royal yacht. Preferably something with sails.

Which would doubtless make the man from his “sustainable unit” a lot more happy than going around the world in a machine that churns through £2,000 worth of jet fuel every 60 bloody minutes.

LATER today I’m going to give Honest John from Liverpool twenty quid for no reason.

You can’t B serious

12 It's claimed Mel B's estranged huband got cross because he thought his wife might be dining at the 'Y' with one of the nation’s hottest women Credit: Instagram

WE have been told that the estranged husband of Spice Girl Mel B would fly into a rage when he saw her flirting with X Factor co-star Cheryl.

Er, hang on. He got cross because he thought his wife might be dining at the Y with one of the nation’s hottest women?

I’m not sure that’s very plausible.

THE UGLY FACE OF TERROR THE leaders of the so-called ISIS terrorist group have said that Donald Trump is an ugly idiot. Yes, we know that from looking at him. You lot, on the other hand . . . we have no idea what you look like because you spend most of the day hiding under a tea towel while pretending to be a greengrocer.

Boffin's Formula dumb

LATER this month, scientists from all over the world will stage a motor race which promises to be even less exciting than Formula One.

On the upside, they will be driving nano-technology cars, each of which is made from just a few hundred atoms, on a track made from solid gold.

12 Boffins will be driving nano-technology cars, each of which is made from just a few hundred atoms, on a track made from solid gold Credit: Getty Images

Even though the finely tuned racing machines have pedals, a body, an engine and wheels, the boffins – wearing white gloves – will “drive” them by poking them with a needle that creates a small electric current.

That sounds great but there are a few issues.

First of all, the cars are small. Very small. So small that they cannot be seen with the naked eye.

And they are not fast. Completing the course, which is 100 nanometres long – that’s one-thousandth the width of a human hair – will take 36 hours.

And that’s only if all goes well. In practice, one team was stuck on a 40-degree turn for five hours.

I’m not sure which team it was. But I bet it had a Honda engine.

12 Credit: Fame Flynet

Up in the air . . . Harry Styles launches his solo career

SO Harry Styles, who is the singer in a band of some sort, was dangled under a helicopter this week as he made a video to launch his solo career.

This was a risky strategy.

Because when I was dangled from beneath a helicopter recently, while making a segment of a TV show, the down draught caused my ­trousers to fall down.

This was not a good look.

Get off your bike Button

ALL sensible people have suspected for some time that bicycle racing is an idiotic pursuit.

It’s just a bunch of grown-ups riding around on children’s toys.

12 I’d give it up if I were you, Jenson, and get back to motor racing Credit: Getty Images

Or it’s the Tour De France, where you see how many drugs you can take without being caught, and then ride very slowly for hours until you see the finish line, when you speed up a bit.

This week, however, the stupidity of bicycle racing was brought into sharp focus when former racing driver Jenson Button was disqualified from an event for going too quickly.

Button was competing in an Ironman competition in California, which meant he had to complete a 1.2-mile swim before doing 56 miles on a bicycle and then running a half-marathon.

The 37-year-old finished, utterly exhausted, I should imagine, in third place, which meant he had qualified for the world championships later this year.

But then came the news that he had gone too fast on his child’s toy and, as a result, he was thrown out of the competition.

I’d give it up if I were you, Jenson, and get back to motor racing.

12 In the wake of the chemical gas attack this week there were ­strident calls from political powerhouses – May, ­Lineker and so on – to do something about Syrian leader President Assad. Credit: Getty Images

IN the wake of the chemical gas attack this week there were ­strident calls from political powerhouses – May, ­Lineker and so on – to do something about Syrian leader President Assad.

Well, let’s just say that an initiative could get round the fact that Russia ­supports him, and topple him from office without starting World War Three.

Then what?

I only ask because so far the West has deposed leaders in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya and from where I’m standing none of those countries have managed to become a ­Switzerland-style beacon of peace and democracy.

12 Credit: Getty Images - FilmMagic

BARRY MANILOW said he kept his homosexuality, and ­marriage to his lover of 40 years, secret because he felt the news would put off his mostly female ­audience.

Er, I don’t think your fans were ever really interested in going to bed with you, Barry. Not with that nose.

And especially not now that you seem to be made entirely from ­plastic.