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When Trump claimed that "You can do anything to women" when you're a star, that was ... not us. We had nothing to do with that comment. He literally caught us sleeping with that one. And we will say that again: We, the parasitic worms nesting and growing inside of Donald J. Trump, had nothing to do with that or Donald's history of sexual assault. We are for the most part asexual, until it comes to Ivanka. Oh baby, we can't keep our wormy hands off of her ... Oh yeaaahh, oh babyyy, yeah hawww yeah. Ahem, we ... apologize for that outburst. Kind of.

When Donald mocked NFL players who suffer brain-damaging concussions by saying, "Concussions -- Oh, oh! Got a little ding on the head. No, no, you can't play for the rest of the season" that was obviously us. At an inopportune moment, we became frustrated with the degree of damage his brain had sustained by the time we moved in. Imagine it like this: You spend a lot of money on a brand-new house, only to discover that it's falling apart and hates women.

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Look, we know we messed up. But honestly, science is learning a lot from our actions. Because of us, you now know that if you put enough pressure on this particular lobe, a human male will publicly fondle his own daughter. We did that. We gave you that knowledge, and for that, we offer no apologies. We also will not apologize for this.

The worms make Donald kneel on all fours with his mouth open, tears streaming down his cheeks. He is shaking. They heft Donald off his knees and make him straighten his suit.

PARASITIC WORMS: To quote our mother parasite, "We've already come this far, let us make nesting great again" to which we say "WOOOO." We've come so far in the last nine years of nesting in Donald's body, where we have the power now to move him however and whenever we want, and we don't know if we want to give that power up. [Audience laughs.] No, really. We really mean it. [Audience shuffles.] With that, we would like to offer our condolences, and give you peace of mind. Donald J. Trump is almost fully under our control, besides the pussy-grabbing comments -- we don't really know where that's coming from. Everything else is pretty much just us trying to have a good time. So take it easy on him, okay? And please buy all remaining Trump Steaks for consumption, thank you. We have about a trillion cousins looking for a home.

The Sharper Image

It's really just chunks of wombat meat glued to rat bones.

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The worms make Donald strip naked so that you can see them moving around happily beneath his flesh. They move in and out of his body, eventually making Donald slither away against his will. Giuliani and Pence hold back what are maybe tears, but probably just escaping moisture, and they shamble away.

Lorelei is queen of the brain-controlling parasitic meat worms. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website, pileoftears.com.

For more insane Trump secrets check out 8 Less Known Trump Stories That'd Derail Any Other Campaign and find out how we all got into this nightmare mess in How Half Of America Lost Its F**king Mind.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see what other kinds of trouble Trump's brain-worms have gotten up to in A Brief History Of Donald Trump's Many, Many, Many Lawsuits, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

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