They have particularly disquieting powers, having previously risen to the heights of leadership. To achieve such stature, of course, they became expert in all the dark arts: the thrust of the dagger upwards, the slash of the boot down, the soothing use of flattery before the skewering. It now appears they also took courses in the practice of maleficium, which, as a fellow long-serving public servant of the surviving kind, you would understand is the Latin word for the most malevolent form of witchcraft. Barnaby Joyce. Credit:Alex Ellinghausen Cast out of their roles as leaders, it is apparent they each have used these taxpayer-funded lessons to fearful effect.

Though each promised solemnly during their final moments to refrain from spitting, cursing, casting spells upon their successors or haunting the dreams and ambitions of their former colleagues, none has remained entirely true to these undertakings. Indeed, they have undertaken what we might call transmogrification. Yes, secretary. And kits containing wooden stakes should be stored in the cabinet room to be activated at any further involuntary change of leadership. Vampires! The living dead!

You may recall Mr Rudd. He is still out there, spooking, though relatively impotent these days. More recently, consider Mr Abbott. Scurrying through the darkness, he gathered the like-minded of the night and effectively sucked the life from his successor, Mr Turnbull. Now Mr Turnbull, infected, has taken to the mean streets of far New York, hissing: the early stages of undeadedness, in our view. And currently there is Mr Barnaby. We barely dare mention his name. His powers are on the ascendant, his immense hat no longer capable of disguising the terrible grudges and lusts seething within. We expect any moment a strike at the jugular of the unfortunate Mr McCormack, the beneficiary of Mr Barnaby’s previous exit into the darkness. Mr McCormack is in such mortal danger he has taken to declaring he has solid support from colleagues. We recognise what that means. Poor fellow.

In the past, as you know, we relied on the goodwill of fallen leadership chaps to do the right thing and to take a revolver into the library once the writing was on the wall, as it were. We cannot imagine such a thing now. Why, Mr Abbott would very likely emerge with the revolver fully loaded and start shooting. And Mr Barnaby would surely swap the weapon for a semi-automatic. Credit: We have reached the inescapable conclusion that henceforth, a clove of garlic should be distributed with lapel badges to all current MPs to protect them from further attacks. And kits containing wooden stakes should be stored in the cabinet room to be activated at any further involuntary change of leadership.