1. Cute.

2. Furry.

3. Adorable mewing sounds.

4. Helpful with “last bit of milk in container.”

5. Rarely complain about my robot plans being left out.

6. De-clawing them allows me to pretend I am doing the old “Bamboo shoots under the fingernails” gag.

7. Photos of them make great covers for Trapper Keepers.

8. Never ask what I do for a living.

9. Do not mind being called “King Wiggle Pickle.”

10. Are not guilty of destroying the Amazon.

11. Sneaky but not maliciously so.

12. Never look down on me for not having read “The Brothers Karamazov.”

13. Do not object when I torture mice for “science.”

14. Make funny scampering motions when sprayed with water or Windex.

15. Activate my allergies in a way that maximizes sneezing, which is kind of like having an orgasm.

16. Always seem to like whatever music I choose to play.

17. Don’t get defensive when called fat.

18. Love “little cardboard thingy on a wire” game as much as I do.

19. Make great subjects for the viral videos I am forever posting on Funny or Die.

20. Cannot load or fire a gun.

21. Agree with everything I say as long as I say it in a high voice.

22. Never say “Can I come?” when I mention that I am going to spend the day riding the Log Flume.

23. Look funny in specially designed motorcycle jackets.

24. Omnivores.

25. Legitimate descendents of saber-toothed tigers (awesome).

26. Convenient for eating after nuclear war.