There Are Only Two Genders and Please Stay and Argue With Me I’m So Lonely

Sorry to burst your fragile little bubbles but there are only two genders. You’re either a man or a woman. No non-binary, gender-fluid nonsense. Cased closed. You can use whatever pronouns you want but scientific facts don’t care about your feelings.

I bet that got you all super P.O.’ed, huh? You’re probably so infuriated you’ll spend at least 12 or 20 heated minutes engaging with me. Wait, you’re not? Where are you going?? Please come back and argue with me, I’m so fucking lonely!

Okay now that I’ve caught up with you, let’s continue. I already know what you’ll say. You’ll argue that I’m confusing “sex” and “gender,” or you’ll explain how gender is a social construct that doesn’t necessarily match one’s biological sex. How about I concede both those points from the start? Just please, stay and argue with me. I really shouldn’t be alone tonight.

Slow down, dude! Goddamn. You’re super fast by the way. Did you run track? This is also a conversation I’d be thrilled to have with you instead of the whole gender thing because, as you may recall, I am so alone.

I’m going to come clean here. I have no friends and I’m desperate for any sort of human interaction. I mean, obviously, right? A normal person doesn’t set up a card table at a university and begin shouting inflammatory things at passersby. I’m like a misbehaving child clinging to any scrap of attention I can get, negative or otherwise.

Really, I’ll vomit out whatever outlandish shit you want if it means you and I can have a few fleeting minutes of interpersonal interaction. Want me to call Obama a Kenyan Muslim? You got it. Pizzagate QAnon-whatever-the-fuck? Okie dokie! Of course, I’m not dumb enough to believe any of this crap. I just don’t know how to make friends like a normal person.

In fact, why don’t we put a little wager on this debate? If I win, you have to give me 30 seconds of uninterrupted eye contact. If you win, you can pat me on the back and tell me I’m good.

No? Fine, well how about a hug? Please hug me once and I’ll leave you alone.

Come on. Hug me, you liberal coward!