Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht featured the worst guests in Below Deck recorded history. AW-FUL! It’s like someone let a pack of Joe Giudice‘s illegitimate sons loose and told them whomever consumed the most alcohol wins an all-expense paid trip to The Bunny Ranch (followed by all you can eat french fries).

As if immature guests weren’t bad enough there is Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick behaving like teenagers. In the past there have been chefs and chief stews, or chief stews and bosuns together, but never have they been so unrestrained in their non-stop touching during work. Jenna’s crew also feels rejected because mommy has a new boyfriend. Madison Stalker and Georgia Grobler are bothered by Jenna choosing Adam over them (and work), leaving them to their own devices to be molested by guys, taken advantage of, and forced to fend for themselves at too young an age.

On one hand, yes, Jenna is obnoxious in her flirting with Adam and she’s dumping responsibilities on Madison that she should be shouldering herself. On the other hand, Madison isn’t asking for help or telling Jenna how she feels. I feel no sympathy for Georgia – the only thing she has to do is iron and wash sheets, which doesn’t require a detailed instruction booklet with pictures accompanied by hand holding. Besides Georgia only wants Paget Berry holding her hand, not Jenna. Georgia is acting like Ciara Duggan isn’t there while she openly flirts with her boyfriend. Gross. I mean we can’t blame Paget — he’s been held hostage by a cult. (kidding)

You know things are bad because scene one is the boat literally smashing into the dock. No one is around but Ciara, who is frantically running around calling for anyone. Except they’ve all disappeared! Byron Hissey is in the control room, but Captain Glenn Shephard and Paget are both ashore. Jenna is probably hiding under a life raft canoodling with Adam, and Ciara considers Parker McCown a lost cause.

Finally Ciara locates Byron and instructs him to pull up on the anchor so the boat has more leeway. When Paget and Captain Glenn return they’re both like ‘doh — what happened,’ so Paget is assigned the task of repainting the boat. This is what passed for arts and crafts in his home school cult of robotic Teutons, and he does not like the flashback. Paget would rather study under the tutelage of Georgia, strumming her guitar in hot pants singing a song begging some man not to leave her. Never has Paget heard such glorious sounds (until Georgia lays on the Russian prostitute accent later), it’s like the skies have parted and showed him a world beyond the microcosm of red hair puffs that obscure his vision and plug his ears and fill his mouth. So far Ciara dismisses Georiga as some floozy Paget would never take seriously… but I think someone is living in denial.

Trying to get Ciara off his back, Paget has assigned her ‘Parker Patrol.’ Parker is over-eager yet refuses to take direction. He argues with Paget about everything. So he’s basically a lot like Ciara. Paget seems to think if they can occupy each other with bickering, he’ll be free to follow Georgia.

I don’t understand how Jenna can be so attracted to Adam, who is literally kissing her with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth?! Errrrrrmmmm… safety hazards and dating 101.

The oncoming charter is a group of gross bros from Long Island. These are Jersey Shore-ers who won the lottery. They are beefy, orange, greasy, and loud, and all have names that end in “ie” or “y” like high school cheerleaders from the 90’s. It’s such an SNL skit about bros that one of them has a soul patch like the lead singer of 311. Incidentally 1998 was the last time anyone thought he was hot. He also keeps talking about “linens,” and it took me half the episode to realize he was referring to his pants in first person, with a name, like they were a pet. Someone doesn’t get out much and got sold into some Brooks Brothers yacht wear. GAG

I’m not sure why these bros thought chartering a yacht was an ideal vacation for a boys trip. Maybe they saw too many TMZ stories about P.Diddy‘s yacht parties? All they want to do is drink. And drink. And drink… interspersed with eating enormous quantities of fried food, and trying to get laid. If you looked up “Toxic Masculinity” and “How Not To Raise Sons” on wikipedia you would get a picture of Richie, Tommy, Lenny and Nameless Neanderbro 1, 2, 3, and 4. All of whom bathe in Giorgio body spray and refer to the platinum chains they brought from the mall kiosk as “ice.” Also they’re assholes who definitely won’t tip well.

They come on board already drunk and demanding shots and lunch. Adam prepares all the meat he can find while the stews are pouring an ocean’s worth of expensive tequila. They should’ve have served them Cuervo Gold and hidden the good stuff for a post-charter celebration, because these tools wouldn’t know the difference. One of them has learned how to saber a champagne bottle with a butter knife (You tap at the base of the neck three times to loosen the cork and create a carbon chamber and it flies right off.) They do this over and over again, leaving broken glass all over the deck for the crew to clean up.

Men have been indoctrinated into believing there is always an excuse for their disgusting behavior of denigration and entitlement. They also believe that debasing women and relentless competition is a means of establishing oneself as unquestionably male. If you want to read a great book about this very concept I suggest “Boys and Sex” by Peggy Orenstein.

While Madison, Jenna and the rest of the crew are dreading every interaction with these bruhs from hell, which are the Americanized versions of Ashton from Below Deck regular, Georgia and Parker are kind of excited. Georgia brags that she feels right at home with 24-hour party people, while Parker pretends he’s always been one of the bros and relishes competitive male bonding. Right after this Parker goes on a long soliloquy it being his destiny to protect everyone and everything around him as a reward for all the love and encouragement his mommy gave him.

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However failed I applaud Parker for trying to be empathetic to bro-behavior, while also trying to also distance himself by protecting Madison, who faces the brunt of it, but he’s falling into another element of Toxic Masculinity: the rescue hero. Women do not need men to literally rush in and save them. Or maybe Madison does because she certainly doesn’t seem to want to save herself.

Within hours of arriving, after consuming vast quantity of meat and tequila, two of the bros want to be taken ashore to find women. They assume any and all women will get on a boat with random men to be taken back to their yacht and possibly sold into sexual slavery? Someone has been watching too much yacht girl porn! Their mission is a total failure punctuated by “Linens” wiping out while trying to climb back onto the tender. It gilded my heart in a million ways that Paget, who was driving, did not move a muscle in attempt to help him up. In response to wounded pride Linens starts running around the boat bellowing that he wants shrimp cocktail like this is 1982 and he’s Gordon Gekko. Adam is in the process of preparing chicken wings and other ‘man cave foods’ for appetizers. Since served all the shrimp at lunch, he now has to use tiny lobsters as pretend shrimp. Kudos to him for his inventiveness.

Following dinner they all decamp to the bar, again, and Paget has the brilliant plan that Ciara, who is on lates with Madison, will pick them up. At 2:30 am they return, demanding food because they were told they could have whatever they want whenever they want. Adam has left out a cheeseboard, and Madison throws out candy and chips, but they want cheeseburgers. Like this America with our all-night Denny’s. Instead of waking Adam up, like she should have, Madison makes a plate of grilled cheeses.

Madison is used to relying on herself. She’s not close with her family and rarely goes home. In what is probably the most tragic backstory we’ve ever heard on Below Deck, she reveals that her teenaged sister was gunned down by gang members because someone in the car she was driving owed money to drug dealers. They were on their way to the movies and were accosted.

Feeling completely alone on board, Parker, who is compassionate and sweet by nature, is has become Madison’s sole source of support. Maybe it’s because everyone treats them both like disposable garbage? Especially the guests who thank Madison for the grilled cheeses by saying “You’re the breast.”

After the hellacious night Ciara and Madison had dealing with the garbage humans, Parker suggests to Paget that he stay up for lates out of concern for Ciara’s safety. Unfortunately no one said anything to Jenna or Adam – at least not that we saw – about how Madison was treated. One of them should have just assumed Madison shouldn’t be left to handle this alone! If day one/night one was obnoxious, day 2/night 2 was depths of hell.

Quick question : who was that Frank, the only adult name in the bunch, who was hunched in the corner checking his phone the entire time? My guess is he’s their attorney, brought along just in case they get arrested on sexual harassment charges in foreign territory.

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The guests wake up demanding booze and breakfast. They want dozens of eggs and pancakes. They treat everyone on this boat like their servants, as if Adam is nothing more than a short-order cook. The guests seem to have even forgotten that they’re on a boat until Captain Glenn releases the sails, pitching and tipping the boat to match their post-bender digestive systems. They are all momentarily impressed until Lenny realizes he hasn’t worked out in a while and suddenly grabs Madison in a bearhug, pinning her arms, to deadlift her like a free weight. Madison is all alone serving drinks, with only Parker as witness. She assertively tells Lenny to put her down several times, but he waits until he’s ready to release her. Then he and his bros mock Madison for feeling uncomfortable.

Madison is shaken and upset, but makes the decision not to tell Captain Glenn or Jenna because she fears that if they confront the guests about their misbehavior everyone’s tips will suffer. Somehow I think EVERYONE on board will be OK with Captain Glenn ripping these assholes to shreds and kicking them off the boat! Jenna calls every interaction “soul sucking” and she’s right. Instead Madison cries to Parker, then puts her game face right back on and goes back to serving drinks. She has all the professionalism Jenna lost in Adam’s pants.

And where are Jenna and Georgia during all this!? Jenna only seems to be around when serving meals, and Georgia, despite her bragging that these people are nothing to the crazy she’s dealt with, is hiding out in the laundry room complaining that Jenna isn’t telling her how to sort whites.

That night the plan is for them to go to another beach bar. Jenna finds one that has a Yelp review complaining of toxic men who made women feel uncomfortable, and decides, aptly, that this is the perfect place. The only snafu: it closes at 11. Adam sears the biggest steaks he can find, but the guests spend forever getting ready – putting on their bronzer and their ice and their Axe Body Spray which you know they pour into the fancier cologne bottles – they delay dinner by over an hour, so that they’re not sitting down until after 9. They’re so desperate to get to the bar to pick up chicks they barely eat their steaks and then one guy decides to call to ask if they’ll stay open later to accommodate them. He finds out that while dinner stops being served by 11, the bar is open until 2am.

The bros blame Jenna. One of them drunkenly attempts to lecture “Jen” about how he hates liars, and actually starts speaking in a threatening tone to her. His friends try to explain it was a miscommunication, but he spends the entire night behaving as if Jenna intentionally was trying to fool them. WHAT THE FUCK?!

Obviously it takes them hours to find three women desperate enough to be on TV they’re willing to come back to the boat. These loser bros act like this is such a score they demand Parker find an all-night DJ. Is there some hotline for this? Parker secures one, brings him back to the yacht to set up, then goes to retrieve the bros and the hoes, warning Madison that they want food. I am so confused about why Adam didn’t have stuff prepared given how the previous night went? Did he not know? Was he lazy?

Furthermore why didn’t Madison wake anyone else up when it got out of hand? Instead she and Parker ran around, serving these filthy ungrateful degenerates, who made fun of her, insulted her offerings, and then to top it all off, one of the girls got so wasted she puked all over the floor near the dining table!

TELL US – SHOULD MADISON ASK FOR HELP AND TELL JENNA WHAT HAPPENED? IS JENNA BEING UNPROFESSIONAL WITH ADAM OR ARE THE STEWS OVER-REACTING?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]