MLP – My Little Pony Sex Toys.

No, you read that right. Today’s topic will be about real sex toys based on the popular cartoon and toy line for kids. Chances are, you have heard of My Little Pony (MLP). Perhaps you or your children are a fan of our equestrian heroes or alternatively, you may despise the series, based on the fact it is popular, or for an actually valid reason. Either way – you are probably aware of MLP. Chances are, you have also heard of sex. Perhaps you had sex at some point and now are imprisoned with children that make you spend hundreds of dollars on God-damn pony toys or perhaps you were smart enough to use protection. Either way, again, you are probably aware of sex. So “what the Hell does My Little Pony have to do with sex?” Let’s find out…

Disclaimer:

As you can imagine by the title alone, this particular rubbish review is going to get a little blue. This review is absolutely not for children and contains a few pictures that are NSFW. It’s not exactly pornographic, but looking at images of sex dolls at work is still a bad idea. I recommend you read it while hiding in the bathroom.

Since the original 1983 My Little Pony line was released, nearly every generation of children have been exposed to the world of our favourite pony friends through toys, books and TV (technically the show didn’t become a series until ’86, but toys and TV specials were available earlier.) While the original My Little Pony show is generally described as a series for girls, the latest incarnation, ‘Friendship is Magic’, seems to have attracted not only the expected female audience, but has also managed to find a large male fan base as well. These males are generally referred to as ‘Bronies’, because a boy who likes a cartoon pony show for girls needs to have a label assigned to them apparently. They are likely called other things too, but I doubt they would want me to repeat any of that here. For the record, I like Jem and the Holograms, but I don’t feel the need to be referred to as a ‘Bro-logram’, so to me, the distinction between what a male or female fan is to be called is pretty stupid, a fan is a fan. Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with Bronies – like what you like and don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong. There are plenty of things I like that are considered either lame or boring or criminal and I don’t let any of that stop me, and it shouldn’t stop you either. Follow your heart. Fluttershy said it best, “if you just keep your head high, do your best and believe in yourself, anything can happen.” Live the dream my Bronie friends! Live the dream … of playing with girl toys…

© Mirror

The Beard says ‘rugged’. The ponies say ‘sensitive’. Living at his mom’s house says ‘single’.

Let’s keep it real – The show has great characters, a fun story, is filled with great messages, showcases awesome animation and to be honest is pretty damn funny when it wants to be. Men and women alike can appreciate that. However not all is innocent as it seems in Ponyville… There exists a subset of the Bronies, known as ‘cloppers’ that take it that extra step and derive sexual pleasure from the characters in the show. Cloppers, in this context, incorporate My Little Pony into their sex lives in the forms of sex dolls, sex toys and costumes. Yes sir that is right, we have a generation of men ‘waxing their surfboards’ to the image of a cartoon horse. Bet ya didn’t think you would learn that today huh?

© Love Me, Love my doll

And you think your garage sales are embarrassing

As a public service to the Bronies out there, please note that not all Bronies are Cloppers. You can like the show and collect the toys without wanting to have sex with a horse. I can’t believe I have to explain this…

Most sites refer to these MLP sex dolls as ‘unofficial’ or ‘bootleg’ products. It is a bit of a misnomer though since there really is no ‘official’ sex doll, in fact, Hasbro, the toy company behind the real MLP denounces the sexualization of the ponies, since at least traditionally, MLP is a product for children and the sexualization of anything that is even closely associated with children seems like a dangerous precedent and may pose a risk to our children.

One of the first MLP sex toys to arrive on the scene and become noticed, at least online was the infamous ‘magic Lyra plushie’. For those that are unaware, Lyra is a background character in the MLP universe that was made into a plush character with an ‘easy access‘ hole in her bum and auctioned off by her creator in 2012. If that wasn’t enough to convince you that we are doomed as a people, the auction closed with a winning bid of about $700.

© Know Your Meme

I think he may have overpaid. That ass is worth $500 at best.

As far as ponies go, Lyra is pretty cute, and while $700 may be a large investment, in the grand scheme of things it is a pretty good price for a faithful lifetime sexual partner who never has a headache at the wrong time. Lyra doesn’t judge, she just loves you for who you are. She never complains that you forgot to take out the trash, or that you left the toilet seat up again or that your balls smell like a stripper’s ass. We’ve all been there, am I right guys? None of that bullshit from Lyra though. All she asks is that you give her the occasional brushing and if you are going to ride her for a long time, use a comfortable saddle. Maybe the relationship isn’t perfect – but what couple in this big ol’ world can honestly say that their relationship is? Life is short, why waste time with the fighting? Lyra taught me this… Lyra also taught me the best way to wash day-old semen out of felt and polyester.

Immediately the non-clopping MLP community had a strong and unhappy reaction to the Lyra sex toy. Many of them took to Photoshop to ‘take back’ Lyra, re-appropriating her bum for good rather than evil! Artists would pretend the plushie was all kinds of non-sexual things such as a puppet, or a pencil sharpener and by doing this deflated the situation and helped restore poor Lyra’s dignity.

© Derpibooru

Such as it was…

While this particular clopping fetish can be explained at the very least as ‘non-traditional’, as it says in the Bible; “YOLO bitches!” Live and let live. Hell, if I had been given the chance to have sex with the cartoon April O’Neil as a teen I would have probably done it too, so who am I to judge? I do however have some advice for our clopping friends – make sure you put Lyra away when you are done soiling her. You don’t want a situation where you bring a girl up to your bedroom and then have to explain to her, as she is screaming in horror at the dead-looking horse head peeking out from the bedcovers that “It’s OK! I’m not in the Mafia, it’s just my naked sex pony doll!” As a bonus tip, if for some reason she is cool with this and is willing to continue with you, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT get greedy and try for the threesome with the pony.

You may also have noticed I am featuring images of plushie dolls other than Lyra. These dolls are custom-made by clopping fans, for clopping fans, and if you like you can get the blueprints for how to design your own as well at Big Sexy Plush. It makes for a great family arts & crafts activity don’t you think?

© Big Sexy Plush

Remind me to clear my search history after I’m done writing this article.

Fast forward to present-day 2015 where the internet has once again busted their collective nut on a MLP sex doll that was made available on Ali Express (think of it as a knock-off eBay.) The news of this product was not only trending online, but in traditional media as well. Of course most outlets simply repeated the original story and got a lot of things wrong, which should surprise absolutely no one. Most stories assumed there was only a single Rainbow Dash styled blow-up doll, but if you dig a little more, you can find dolls for Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity and a few other MLP characters as well. Looks like a victory for the consumer – we have choices and diversity which comforts me knowing that the next time I want to defile a cartoon pony, designed primarily for children, I can have my pick of the barn.

© ali express (the exact link was removed shortly after I grabbed the pic)

I would say the Rainbow Dash version is about 20% cooler.

Officially the doll is advertised as a party balloon doll for a kid’s birthday party or special event which totally explains why the dolls are naked, standing on 2 legs, painted with those ‘bedroom eyes’ and have that ‘Niki Minaj ass’. Yea, I see this stuff at kid’s parties all the time – I remember the napkins at my 4-year old cousin’s birthday last month that featured a picture of Dora the Explorer going down on Elmo. Perfectly normal stuff for a kid’s party.

Many news reports were also quoting that the product was selling for $100 each, which is not entirely true. Solely for the purpose of bringing you the truth, I checked it out personally and found that the $100 price is only for bulk orders. Why you would need a bulk order of a pony sex toy is beyond me, but if you buy them individually you should prepare yourself for a $600 expense per doll. Just as a side note, somehow my browser was able to auto-complete “amateur pony sex doll” which makes me wonder what Google must think of me. Then again, it is probably nothing worse than what my mailman will think of me after this…

© ali express (the exact link was removed shortly after I grabbed the pic)

Mailman: “Really? Again?“

In all fairness, look at these ponies and tell me if you could resist them. I’ve seen the show – all those ponies running around Ponyville naked, their bums tanned by the warm light of the sun like they were on a tropical island. How are young boys supposed to resist being turned on by that? The only one that had any clothes was AppleJack and that was just a hat. God-damn little tramp. Damn sexy horse tramp… Thank God the sex doll comes with a puncture repair kit, because we are going to need it baby!

© leopurofriki

How do you like them apples?

What happened to you Applejack? Dressing like a whor-se and turning tricks so you can afford to get your unhealthy apples and oats fix? You have a problem and need to admit that to yourself. I’m worried about you. If you keep living like that you are going to wind up dead and sold to the glue company.

My lord, what must the pony parents think about all this dirty, sweaty, sultry, decadent pony sex? Of course maybe their parents are partially to blame, I mean who names their kid ‘Twilight Sparkle’ anyway? That girl was destined to be a stripper at the very least. The less said about ‘Pinkie Pie’ the better, and sweet, sweet Rarity, I’m sorry honey, your kind ain’t as rare as you wanna believe.

© Big Sexy Plush

Um, maybe you are…

Most of you may be wondering what goes through the mind of the person who ‘bumps uglies’ a rubber cartoon horse. There are many reasons for sure, but given that the ponies have a lot of human characteristics and human personality which are then made into a humanoid form (at least for the sex dolls) we actually end up with a sex toy that is more human than pony. Sure it’s still a little messed up, but I can sleep a lot better knowing that there is a chance we can explain this and preserve even the slightest faith in humanity. As totally nonscientific evidence to support my claim, I recommend we now look at the ’body sex pillow phenomenon.’ For those that don’t spend their time obsessing over and researching Japanese sex toy trends (and I can respect that), the pillows are basically a normal rectangular pillow with a sexualized cartoon plastered on it and used for self-stimulation. I’m not sure about you, but I see more human than I do animal in this pillow that ‘stars’ Rarity and Rainbow Dash:

© Ali Express

I also see loneliness… so much loneliness.

My concerns however lie not with the ‘nature of the clopper’, but rather with the poor factory worker who has to paint vagina lips on pony blow-up dolls all day. What about them? Someone has to do it, right? In a grey, smoky, humid sweatshop, the workers stand at their station in front of the assembly line. There they wait until the whistle blows and a wave of rubber ponies with their legs spread open park themselves in front of their face so they can dutifully paint all the wonderful details that make the vagina oh-so magical. Once finished, the buzzer signals that the pony moves down the assembly line and before they can take a breath, a new featureless pony vagina parks itself in front of their face again. Only 2 pony parts in and I am already envisioning myself rioting if I were in that position, but no, these loyal workers brave on, 10 hours a day, 6 days a week painting vaginas on ponies for the good of all mankind.

© Jeremy Riad

I’m a little depressed that she has seen more female naked bits than I have…

Look at her face, she knows what is to become of this doll once a customer buys it, she knows that regardless of how much work she put into it, the inevitable friction will eventually rub off all the paint and her efforts will be lost to the annals of time. Speaking of which, there goes the buzzer again and it is now time to turn the doll over and give the bum a nice little dab of paint to indicate where the hole is. Imagine the great stories she must have when she get home;

Husband: “So how was work hun?”

Wife: “I accidentally painted a bunch of assholes where the vagina should be and have to redo them tomorrow. I wish I was dead.”

Hilarious stuff. She was always the funny one in that relationship.

© MLP Wikia

Ok, Ok! Maybe it wasn’t that funny…

As if the plight of the vag-painters was not enough, consider the worker that has to sand blast blemishes out of the pony’s bum. We want a smooth experience people, get this right! What about the worker that has to cut out the rubber nipples from the mold and sort them by colour? Do you think he has reached the point of hating nipples so much where he can no longer have sex with a woman unless her shirt is on rather than off? Did you do well in your home economics class? Can you sew pubic hair by any chance? The factory is always looking for qualified people for this task as you wouldn’t believe the turnover rate in this department. They may have to start shaving more than just salary in order to cut costs if this keeps up. The insanity doesn’t end once the product is assembled and shipped, oh no. What about the after-purchase call center support line? I have worked in call centers before and I can only imagine the types of pony sex-toy calls I would have to answer…

Support: “My little poon-y support, Nerd speaking, now may I help you?”

Customer: “Yea, I was drilling my pony doll, model AJ873, up the butt and I think I may have had an allergic reaction to the rubber material because my penis is now swollen up and stuck in her corn hole. Can you help?

Support: “Sure I can, May I have your customer number please?”

Customer: “Please hurry, this really hurts…”

Support: “Have you tried lubricating the area and pulling out?”

Customer: “No, I ran out of lube a few days ago.”

Support: “Well sir, for $4.95 I will add lube to your account and it will be shipped out to you in about 3-5 business days.”

Customer: “I can’t wait that long!”

Support: “Well sir, have you tried not fucking a rubber horse? That generally works for me. Thank you for calling My little Poon-y Inc.”

Did I mention I was fired from my call center job?

If I ever get the chance to interview someone – these are the people I want to interview first. Forget world leaders, heroic activists or successful CEO’s – I need to know the stories that only the pony sex industry workers can tell.

At this point in my rubbish reviews, I generally give a verdict on the product; either I recommend it or tell you to burn it with fire, or some other such thing. It is a little different this time as I am not about to recommend to anyone who is not already drawn to my little pony sex that they start now. On the other hand, if this is your thing, there is nothing I can tell you that will change your mind about sex with a cartoon pony. My opinion on this particular product category is honestly of no value – you already know if you want to hump a horse or not. So why not tell me what you think the final verdict should be on the sex dolls, clopping or MLP in general? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know! Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and let the word of the nerd be heard!