The Secret Agenda of Gay Parents: First We Trick You Into Treating Us Like Human Beings...

The stinking little douche who wrote this for a Catholic newspaper in Boston couldn't bring himself to refer to gay parents as parents or refer to our children as our children. Here's how he gets started:

The question arises of whether children in the custody of (one cannot say, “children of”) same-sex couples should be admitted to Catholic parochial schools.

Michael Pakaluk is against admitting children with gay parents to Catholic schools. The first problem, as he sees it, is the "inevitability of scandal." What kind of scandal? Gay dads blowing each other under the bleachers in the gym during home games? Lesbian moms seducing sexually-frustrated, bi-curious Catholic moms who aren't getting any at home?

It was inevitable that either the teacher, or some parent, would deal with the two men in such a way as implicitly to teach my son, or other children in the class, that there is nothing wrong with same-sex relationships. But this is scandal: that is, leading a “little one” astray in some serious matter by the example you set.

Yes, yes: we wouldn't want teachers and parents treating gay parents like human beings, now would we? (Please ignore that "do unto others" stuff in the Bible—Jesus is omniscient and everything, but he never could have imagined the existence of gay parents.) Maybe Mr. Pakaluk would be more comfortable with same-sex parents if teachers agreed to spit in their faces whenever they're forced to interact with one in front of the impressionable little children?

The second reason is that parents are rightly given access to a child’s classroom, and yet I could not trust the designs of the same-sex couple. A mother or father may volunteer to read to the class or chaperone for a class trip. If the homosexual parent does so, what guarantee would I have that he would not be an advocate for his lifestyle, implicitly if not explicitly? ... I saw this happening in my son’s school. The same-sex couple was interestingly activist in hosting pizza parties, sponsoring tables at fundraisers, and volunteering when parental help was needed.

So let me see if I follow you, Mr. Pakaluk: Even if gay parents refrain from reading aloud from And Tango Makes Three or the Leatherman's Handbook in front of a room full of third-graders—and even if we refrain from arranging pepperonis into meaty little rainbows on the pizzas we serve at our depraved "pizza parties"—just the presence of gay parents in the classroom "implicitly" advocates for "the gay lifestyle." I can see why you would object to that: the gay lifestyle is a depraved and deranged one, as everyone knows, and our lives are wholly dedicated to the pursuit of hedonistic sexual pleasures. Reading to schoolchildren, acting as chaperones on class trips, and hosting pizza parties—we're not doing any of that because, oh, we care about our children and we're interested in helping out. Those are all just ploys to mask our real agenda. Which is to get hardcore gay pornography into the hands of Catholic schoolchildren who aren't lucky enough to have gay parents:

The third reason is that it seemed a real danger that the boy being raised by the same-sex couple would bring to school something obscene or pornographic, or refer to such things in conversation, as they go along with the same-sex lifestyle, which—as not being related to procreation—is inherently eroticized and pornographic. He might expose other children to such things, as he might easily have encountered them in his household.

Pornography plays no role whatsoever in the "straight lifestyle." Straight parents don't view pornography. Straight parents don't indulge in non-procreative sex acts. Straight sex isn't "inherently eroticized"—let's take a moment here to extend our sympathies to poor Mrs. Pakaluk—and straight sex doesn't make a good pornographic subject because the procreative element ruins the fun for everybody. Which is why there's no such thing as straight porn.

Look, I'm not interested in sending my kid—a baptized Catholic just like his culturally Catholic dad—to a Catholic grade school, and I'm a little mystified by gay parents who want to send their kids to Catholic schools. Even if I wasn't worried about my kid being taught to "hate the sin"—the only upside Mr. Pakaluk can see to kids with gay parents attending Catholic schools—I would be concerned about my kid encountering ranting, raving sex-negative nut cases like Mr. Pakaluk here. Odds are good that my kid is going to be straight when he grows up and Mr. Pakaluk is not the kind of heterosexual role model I want my kid exposed to.