WASHINGTON—Faced with the prospect of complete financial ruin due to the Covid-19 outbreak, the U.S. Postal Service officially unveiled a plan Tuesday to pay off its debts by issuing a new $1 trillion stamp. “As part of our effort to remain solvent and continue serving the American people, we are proud to introduce this unique, die-cut postage stamp printed on a sheet of solid gold and featuring a custom rendition of the Postal Service logo hand-engraved by famed German artist Gerhard Richter,” said Postmaster General Megan Brennan, predicting the “highly collectible” stamp, which features a VVS diamond-studded border and a watermark made from rare, Renaissance-era Tyrian purple dye, would be of interest to any entity capable of raising the capital to purchase it. “This thing is a philatelist’s dream—frankly, it puts all your Inverted Jenny and Hawaiian Missionary stamps to shame. So get yours while you can! Honestly, we just need to sell one of these things and we’re good. Please help us. This is our last hope.” Brennan added that with its $1 trillion face value, the stamp could be used to send “just about anything you can stick it to,” from a postcard to a shipment of stockpiled ventilators requested by a governor who demonstrates sufficient fealty.

Advertisement