1. Manage expectations before you set out. If you are the kind of person who will try on two hundred awful bras and come home without one and hating humanity, consider whether it is possible that you already own the perfect bra. Often this can be achieved with only a small redefinition of the words ‘perfect’ or ‘bra’.

2. If you do lots of sports, try a sports bra. If you live on a balcony, try a balcony bra. If you are falling off a cliff, try a plunge bra. In general, your bra will be much happier if you keep it in its natural habitat.

3. Check if the bra is perfectly supportive. A good bra should listen thoughtfully to all your problems. A really good bra should not only listen but also phone for backup when you are hemmed in by Ukrainian mobsters on the roof of the ruined embassy at night. Finding this bra may require accepting the starring role in a film of dubious quality, but it will be worth it in the end.

4. Can you undo the bra with one hand? Can anyone undo the bra with one hand? What about two hands? Three? Can anyone take off the bra at all? Are its complexities within the wit of humankind to comprehend? If the answer to all these questions is no, buy the bra. You probably shouldn’t try wearing it, but it may be useful to keep valuables in.

5. Get measured first. Make sure to include all relevant quantities. For example, a bra which is not travelling at the same velocity as you is not very useful, and a bra with a significantly different temperature to you may be uncomfortable or on fire. Never purchase a bra that is on fire.

6. Consider that the perfect bra for one occasion may not be the perfect bra for another. If you are stranded on a desert island, that nipple-chafing mesh will be super-useful for catching fish. Consider investing in that bra with too much padding and/or too large a cup size if you believe that you might be ejected from an aircraft without a parachute at any time soon.

7. If you are feeding a baby, a bra that a baby can eat may be useful. Try materials such as woven rice or mashed banana.

8. If that one great once-in-the-Universe all-purpose bra is a requirement, it is quite likely that it belongs to someone else or exists only in the past or future. That does not mean obtaining it is impossible: far from it! You may need to become an intercontinental time-travelling space pirate, however.

9. Above all, consider what you want the bra for. Too many people go bra shopping with a limited, breast-centric worldview. This is understandable, but unambitious. It is not unreasonable to expect the perfect bra to be one that has saved lives, righted wrongs or made significant academic advances possible. For example, a planet-spanning bra towed by forty thousand space cruisers to bring Earth’s orbit in line with that of Mars to allow for the final evacuation of the human race would surely be better than that cute red one.