Whole30 Changed My Entire Relationship With Food Because I’m Dead Now

I used to be just like you: Overweight. Lethargic. A carb-and-sugar junkie looking for my next fix. Until I tried Whole30, the incredible nutritional reset program, and experienced a profound transformation of body, mind, and spirit. I cut sugar, grains, alcohol, dairy, legumes, and literally every other source of nutrition out of my diet for 30 days, and I can honestly say that it has completely changed my relationship with food because I died on Day 27 and no longer require sustenance.

If you’ve been suffering from low energy levels, inexplicable aches and pains, or are simply tired of being a sentient human with a functioning set of vital organs, Whole30 might be the diet for you. It begins with stripping all the most craving-inducing, blood-sugar-disrupting foods out of your diet for a full 30 days, giving your body and digestive system a chance to recover and heal itself. Then, once you’re free from cravings and inflammation, you’ll keel over and die from severe malnutrition because you haven’t eaten anything in several weeks! If you stick to this diet and follow the rules, we promise it will change your life forever by ending it prematurely.

The truth is, the human body wasn’t designed to subsist on our high-sugar, heavily-processed modern diet. The foods we eat today are formulated by food scientists to act like drugs, lighting up the pleasure centers in your brain like a pinball machine and leaving you begging for more. Whole30 disrupts this cycle by shutting your brain’s pleasure centers down permanently! By unplugging the pinball machine in your brain, we can effectively eliminate all of those unhealthy cravings and ultimately reduce you to a withered husk. You’ll feel great because you’ll feel nothing — guaranteed!

I know what you’re thinking: “Whole30 sounds like a pretty restrictive diet. What can I actually EAT?!” You might be surprised to learn that the rules are actually quite simple:

Rule #1: No processed foods with added sugar or ingredients you can’t pronounce.

No processed foods with added sugar or ingredients you can’t pronounce. Rule #2: Eat moderate portions of whole, unprocessed foods, or foods with very few ingredients listed.

Eat moderate portions of whole, unprocessed foods, or foods with very few ingredients listed. Rule #3: Avoid any foods containing carbon at an atomic level.

Does it require discipline, self-control, and commitment? Of course it does. Like anything else worth doing, slowly wasting away over the course of 30 days is going to take some effort. But we believe in you. You’ve GOT THIS.

I’ll admit that starving to death on Whole30 is not without its challenges. The first ten days can be particularly difficult, and you might notice you’re more irritable than usual as your body begins to break free from its addiction to sugar and highly-processed flour. You may also experience some mild mental fogginess when your body starts to consume your stored deposits of fat, muscles, and internal organs in a desperate struggle to survive. But don’t worry — your insides are whole, unprocessed foods and therefore completely Whole30 compliant! Besides, once you get over the hump around Day 15 and your body starts to shut down completely, the rest of the program is a breeze.

Now, there are some skeptics who will say that Whole30 is just the latest fad diet in a culture obsessed with quick fixes, rapid weight loss, and dying a tragic and entirely preventable death. But for every naysayer, there’s a true believer who has used the program to lose weight, feel great, and be posthumously discovered as a desiccated corpse chewing on an old leather boot.

It’s all about choosing what’s best for you and your body. For me, that meant choosing a long and painful death spread out across 27 agonizing days, but you may prefer to end things much earlier than that. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? It doesn’t matter! All I know is that I’ve never felt better, perhaps because my central nervous system is no longer firing hunger pain signals, or any other kinds of signals for that matter. So, you see? The system works.

Just think: With a little hard work and determination, that desiccated corpse could be yours!