My friend and I just wanted to ask you a question, and figured in person was the best way to do it since you’re a busy guy, and no “fake news” reporters have brought it up lately. My question, in case you missed it on the sign, is “Who is Jeffrey Epstein?” You answered the question once in the October 28, 2002 issue of NY Magazine, saying: "I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it: Jeffrey enjoys his social life."

Fifteen years is a long time, and yet when I showed you the picture from 1997, taken at Mar-a-Lago, of you with your arm around this "terrific guy," you didn’t seem to recognize him. By your own admission, you’ve known him since at least 1987, and now here we are in 2018 talking about your friendship again. I think it’s time for you to answer the question now, seeing as how a lot of new information has come to light. WHO is Jeffrey Epstein?

A quick Google search will show the aforementioned New York article, as well as an in-depth profile from Vanity Fair that thrust your “fun” friend into the public eye.

A visit to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, Sexual Offenders and Predators Search will tell you that Mr. Epstein is also registered there as a Level Three (high risk of re-offense) sex offender, having been convicted in 2008 of second degree felony 796.03, Procuring Any Person Under Age Of 16 For Prostitution. So tell me Donald, when you said that “he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side”, did you mean younger than 16? Did you know that at least one of his victims was 14 years old?

I could have asked Bill Clinton the question, and if I see him I will. I could have asked Kevin Spacey, Alan Dershowitz, or even Prince Andrew, Duke of York, but who knows when I’m going to see them next. They all know who Jeffrey Epstein is. The thing is, I want your answer, because none of them were named in a lawsuit together, like you were, in Jane Doe v. Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein, filed in New York in June 2016. That lawsuit goes into great detail about what you and your buddy were allegedly up to with two female children “on the younger side.”

The last time you mentioned Jeffrey Epstein publicly was February 27, 2015 with Sean Hannity at CPAC, and on that stage you said regarding your golf buddy Bill Clinton: “Nice guy, got a lot of problems coming up in my opinion, with the famous island, with Jeffrey Epstein. A lot of problems.” Why is he a problem for Bill, but not for you? What happened on the island?

Every time Jeffrey comes up I have more questions, but the only response you gave me was in the form an insult. “Was that a man or a woman?” I know seeing a picture of yourself next to a convicted pedophile is probably not a great look for someone who has recently been putting immigrant kids in cages, but I expected a better comeback from you than a “cut your hair, hippie” knockoff. Weak. I am glad you mentioned my “man-bun” however, this story would have gotten no press if you had just held your tongue.

I’ll tell you if I’m a man or a woman if you'll tell me why you are named as a potential witness in Jeffrey Epstein’s upcoming civil trial. Why was it that in the affidavit filed in support of the case, lawyer Bradley Edwards claimed that Mark Epstein (Jeffrey’s brother) testified that you flew with Jeff on his private plane, which the tabloids knowingly nicknamed the “Lolita Express”? Why did the phone directory from Jeffrey’s computer contain 14 phone numbers for you, including emergency numbers, car numbers, and numbers to your security guards? What about the claim that at least one of your former employees, a then-15-year-old girl working as a locker room attendant in Mar-a-Lago, was recruited by Epstein’s agent to become involved in his sex offenses?

Maybe we can talk at your next rally at Sheels Arena in Fargo, ND on Wed, June 27. Say, 7 p.m.? If you don’t want to talk to me, maybe someone else will print out an 11x17 picture of you and your “terrific” sex offender friend Jeff, like I did at Office Depot, and bring it for you to autograph or something. Either way, I’d appreciate a response. It’s the least you can do after your lap dogs over at Fox News decided to do a full profile on the mystery “man-bunned protester,” yet foolishly left out my squirt gun exploits and the fact I host a local bar trivia series.

Now answer the damn question.

Who is Jeffrey Epstein?

Much love.

Your darling, Sam

P.S.: If you really want a haircut you should come to Minneapolis. My stylist says she can fix your weave!

Sam Spadino lives in Minneapolis. Follow him on Twitter at @partydino.