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Thank you for that totally unstaged round of applause to this snap general election column which is the only one you will find that can provide the strength and stability to enable Britain to safely chart the uncertain waters of praying for the sweet release of death.

That strength and stability doesn't sort itself out: the person in charge of this column must provide the steady hand on the linguistic tiller in a manner which is not just strong, but also stable, in order to avoid the rocky shoals which will melt extended metaphors to shreds.

The alternative to this powerful strength and unwavering stability would be the sort of lexical chaos which has led THE LABOUR PARTY to tweet the words 'Ed Balls' on an annual basis for over six years now, despite a total lack of evidence that it provides any solidity or oomph to things.

It is only strength, and stability, that can save us from that kind of pandemonium which will, ultimately and without steadfast and stout stewardship, send our nation chicaning wildly through synonyms like Jeremiah Clarke's son on Top Ganja.

And it is that vigour, that toughness needed to keep us all on an ideological path three quarters of this nation didn't vote for, which only I can provide through the support and security you all feel from the devil you think you know.

Frankly, my record of being stable and strong speaks for itself.

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Under my leadership I have shown our education system the strength to reformulate the school funding formula to give all headteachers the stability of knowing they'll have to confiscate £3billion from unruly, and frankly weak and unstable, pupils if they want to provide them with the books they need to learn how trustworthy and powerful I am.

As leader I am leading us not into a General Election but a leadership campaign in which we'll keep mentioning my strong, stable and leaderly-sounding name THERESA MAY and the other chap's chaotic and conspiratorial-sounding name JACOBIN TRAITORYN because that's what a solid and dependable leader does if the name of their party is toxic to the 48% who didn't want to Leave, the 9m who voted for Ed Manbag and most of our own members who think Brexit means something else.

Being a leader means leading in a manner which is both stable and, as I've been very clear, strong. That's why under my leadership you don't need to worry about a fall in house prices or a slump in GDP, because sound and steadfast leadership will soon lead us to the sunny, sunlit, upland foothills of going forward to the place we used to be that is better than it was.

That's the kind of vision which being a strong and stable leader is all about.

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I am going to be out here, every day, leading from the front, whenever I am not leading in Westminster which of course is when leading Britain on the world stage isn't taking up all of my time, talking to people all over the country from all walks of life so long as they are Theresa activists, #dontmentiontheTories.

What I won't be doing, and I can absolutely promise you this, is the kind of weak and destabilising activities undertaken by JERRY OFF THE GOOD LIFE like chaotically taxing people more, unsteadily offering not to randomly bomb whoever Mr Trumpet wants to obliterate next, doubtfully securing NHS and social care and launching an uncertain and ill-thought out campaign to take decisive action on violence against women and girls.

After all, I'm a girl, and I'm a leader, so no-one else should have any problems at all.

At the same time I will be resolute and determined in remaining constant in an established fashion on securing my courageous and potent leadership plan for leading us out of disunity and into being the ones in charge of leading again by focusing intently on a point upon a philosophical horizon that totally ignores my own role in increasing knife crime and the lack of any ideas to deal with rising homelessness which is the fault of the previous administration I was part of let's move on.

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Strength and stability is the central and most integral part of my campaign to be leader of the UK, not the Queen I have all her power now.

It's also my favourite Jane Austen novel, along with vigour and vitality, influence and immobility and of course competence and credibility, not one of which I am sure my opponent THE LABOUR PARTY GERBIL OF DOOM has ever read.

Being strong, and also very stable, both as a vicar's daughter and leader of my Girl Guide patrol, is so much a part of my DNA that I don't even need to use the words. We can just shorten it to SS and I'm sure everyone knows what that means, except possibly Ken Livingstone who has, and I've been very clear about this, never been a member of MY nasty party.

Give me a mandate to pretend I don't u-turn, and I'll u-turn for you in a circle of words you can never escape; give me a mandate to make you look at Brexit and ignore the welfare state burning down around your ears and I'll give Boris the matches; and give me a mandate at this turning point for a vision of strong and stable leadership and I'll lead you to a sustainable, potent and permanent vision I alone can deliver of real leadership who will be a stable leader for difficult times in need of strong leaders.

We need strength. We need stability. We need a thesaurus. And I can deliver a vision of leadership that you'll have to believe if I say it often enough.