The Bee Explains: What Is Planned Parenthood?

Right in the center of the ongoing debate on healthcare and women’s rights sits Planned Parenthood, a federally funded establishment that often finds itself embroiled in controversy. We at The Babylon Bee are here to help you cut through the noise and learn just the facts about this organization.

ORIGINS

Planned Parenthood was founded by social Darwinist Margaret Sanger, who wanted to utilize eugenics to reduce the populations of black and other minority communities. (We are not making this up. This is not satire or hyperbole. This is not some funny punchline we came up with to make you chuckle and then think about a profound truth. This is actually how Planned Parenthood was founded. Seriously—go look it up. We pretty much figured we couldn’t top that.)

OPERATIONS

Planned Parenthood provides lots of helpful services, like free prenatal care—specializing in the “violently end the life of your unborn child and then sell his or her parts for profit” variety. They are very proficient at this practice, to the tune of 325,000 abortions and hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue per year. Proponents argue that “abortions are only about 3% of what Planned Parenthood does” when you look at other activities like handing out condoms and doing pregnancy tests, which is a bit like letting Hitler off the hook since he did so many other things for German society other than sending Jews and other people he deemed subhuman to their deaths in brutal concentration camps. Plus he was a swell painter!

GOVERNMENT FUNDING

Planned Parenthood has been the recipient of federal tax dollars since 1970, before which time women never, ever were able to receive healthcare. Also, if the government were to stop giving them $550,000,000 each year, no woman in America would ever be able to get health care again—ever. Truth is, arguing that Planned Parenthood should not receive half a billion dollars in tax money each year because of all the baby murdering is essentially the equivalent of saying you hate women and want all poor people to die.

SLOGAN

Planned Parenthood’s slogan is currently “Care. No matter what.” Yeah, we couldn’t top that one either.

NOTABLE SUPPORTERS

Cecile Richards (president), Hillary Clinton, Canaanite god Molech, women who literally wear vagina hats on their heads, anyone with a totally seared conscience who can watch a video of a third-trimester abortion without vomiting and/or passing out, and then proceed to call it “women’s health care.”

NOTABLE OPPONENTS

Jesus, who’s been pretty patient with us but could show up any day now to just completely obliterate abortion once and for all. Maranatha. Also, anyone with anything remotely resembling a functioning moral compass, the babies fighting for their lives as a suction cup or sharp metal object is inserted into their mother with the intention of extinguishing their life in a horrifyingly violent manner.

ALTERNATIVES TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Those seeking to deal with an unwanted pregnancy have lots of options other than Planned Parenthood: pro-life health centers, adoption—you know, anything other than dissolving your baby with chemicals or having him or her ripped apart limb from limb.

There you have it: everything you need to know about Planned Parenthood. Now excuse us while we go throw up our lunch and stare off into the abyss for several hours.

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