Your job as a seductionist is to stand out from the horde of bores; the guys who say and do the same darn thing every time. “Hey, what’s up? What’s your name? Where you from? What do you do?”

Boooooring.

So, on that note, here are a few of the weirder things I do to amuse myself at work. Note, many of these gambits might get you punched out. I take no responsibility. I’ve got ten years of experience being a bar-tard, so what might sound horribly offensive on paper, is usually hilarious for everyone involved.

Approach Bum First

I’ll see a girl, or a group of girls, turn my back to them, thrust my ass out and walk backwards, shoving my butt into their group. Then I’ll wiggle it like I’m doing some strange mating ritual. When the girls finish giggling or saying, “What the fuck is up with this guy?” I’ll stand up straight and introduce myself normally, as if nothing strange even happened. “Hello, nice to meet you, nice to meet you, yes, love your dinner gown, don’t like your shoes but that’s ok, hello.”

May I Cut In?

This sounds dangerous, but it’s not. Find a couple making out at the party, approach them, get in close and say to the guy, “Excuse me sir. May I cut in?” Your lizard brain tells you this is dangerous, and if you’re a newbie it might be. Many guys will laugh it off and give you the girl, because he figures you know her. Sometimes the guy thinks it’s so funny he will buy you a drink. Sometimes the girl will actually leave the guy for you, just because your display of balls turns her on.

Boo!

Just walk up behind a girl at the bar and go, “Boo!” or, “Surprise!” or, “Happy Birthday!” It will usually scare the crap out of her. Sure, it sounds like assault, but it’s always made girls laugh when they realize they don’t know me.

Oh my gawd! It’s been so long!

When you see a cute girl, throw up your hands in astonishment and yelp, “Oh my gawd! It’s been soooo long!” The girls usually start giggling and hugs are shared. Sometimes out of embarrassment that they’ve forgotten you, they’ll just accept you are someone they know. And if they’re sure they don’t know you, they at least think it’s funny.

Mimed Shots

Ask some girls if you can buy them shots. If they say yes, mime it. Pretend to pour shots, pass them out, tilt your head back and shoot the invisible elixir. Tell them it’s top shelf liquor. This usually sparks more attraction than if you actually bought shots, and it’s a lot cheaper.

Broken Man Game

Go up to groups of men and women and share your insecurities with them. “Hi guys. I’ve been told I’m too short/bald/fat/white/brown/hairy to find a girlfriend. Do you think so?” When they all finish consoling you and boosting your self-esteem, look to the girls and say, “All I want is to kiss a girl before I die.” It’s pretty funny since they don’t know if you’re kidding, and often you get pity kisses.

Not that it’s good game, but it’s so stupid and funny—who cares? You can also ask them to introduce you to a pretty girl because you’re too shy. Tell them you were a bed-wetter until you were seventeen. Tell them you come from a broken home and have Mommy issues. The more pathetic you make yourself, the more women will either console you and try to hook you up, or realize you’re a hilarious scoundrel.

Too Bad I’m Gay

This is straight from Mystery Method. If a girl is being dismissive or bitchy, say, “Too bad I’m gay or you would be so my type.” If they believe you It will buy a few minutes of affection until they realize you’re straight. If they don’t believe you, it’s sort of funny and cheeky.

I Would Totally Fuck You In The Alley, But I’m On Probation

It’s just something stupid I’ve said a few times that for some reason girls find amusing and arousing.

Be Creative. Self-Amuse

I could go on and on the stupid things I do to amuse myself at work. The message here is: Quit taking this stuff so seriously. It’s meant to be fun. Be creative. Pickup is like a social experiment, a quest for fun, and romance, not a life or death mission.

***I post a lot on Facebook.***