Koalas are the fake bears that spread nothing but mischief and misery. They are tricksters, skilled in the corporal ways of mortal combat. A koala bear can dislocate a grown baby’s shoulder with only a few dozen blows, and they are rightly feared by all who have been cursed by the knowledge of their existence. Even as a man of average size and weight, I feel I am simply no match for the furious double-thumbed fists of these koalas. Here are 5 koalas I am 100% sure I could not defeat in combat.

5.)

This koala appears gentle. Nice, even. But I am not easily fooled. This kindly old buffoon could knock my socks off without even breaking a sweat. He will spit on my corpse and force me to like it. Wipe the floor with me with a smile on his face. A dastardly one for sure.

4.)

I feel like this koala kicked my ass in a previous life. Just really gave me the go-around, so to speak. He has stolen my leaf and will not return it no matter how much I plead. I could deliver 1000 roundhouse kicks to his skull and he would still feel well enough to take a brisk walk after dinner. Just a beastly wrecking ball this one, a thiefy leafy leaf-stealing leaf munch.

3.)

Bruce Lee could have trained me in the art of Jeet Kune Do for thirty years and my fist would still explode upon impacting this koala’s gigantic schnozz. The force of the air propelled out of this cavernous snoot could meet the yearly energy demands of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Go Mad Ants!

2.)

This koala chewed up Joe Biden and then spat him out. That’s why he’s all old-looking. Enough said. Steer clear of me, you powerhouse you. I stand no chance.

1.)

Okay do I even need to say anything for this one? Look at this thing. Now look at me. Now run for the hills before the bloodbath starts. Good news is my blood type is O+. Universal donor, baby! Line up now before it gets cold.