ALBUQUERQUE—In a breakthrough discovery that could change the way Sun Signs live forever, the nation’s top pseudoscientists announced Friday that they had harnessed a high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing the effects of being a Gemini. “From today onward, the Sign Of The Twins will no longer be forced to suffer while Mercury is in retrograde or while the Sun is nestled in Virgo,” said Astrology Institute professor Lisa Vincent, adding that the crystals, which were super dense and vibrated at hyper-attuned astral frequencies, were capable of eliminating all of Gemini’s dark traits, including flightiness, restlessness, and dishonesty. “Whether you are first cusp Gemini or a third decan Gemini, the stone, along with a healthy dose of alexandrite, will 100% equalize volatile energies. Within weeks of regular use, a Gemini could even live a normal life as an Aquarius.” At press time, pseudoscientists had shut down their latest study after finding that the high-powered, $6,000 stone had negative interactions with vaccines.

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