To whom it may concern,

Please accept this letter as an application for your Chief Executive Officer role advertised on seek.com.au

It is really refreshing to see an esteemed organisation such as yours open up a position with such importance to the open job market. I am absolutely certain that the administrative staff at Perth Glory are ecstatic regarding the prospect of trawling through 1.4 million applications of hopeful candidates with three years of customer service experience at the corner supermarket and Certificate 0 of Business Management at the local TAFE.

With this in mind I confidently put forward my own application for this role and have no doubt that my experience and values align perfectly with the Perth Glory tradition and ethos.

Although I am sure that since my ability to construct two legible sentences in succession has elevated my application to interview stage among the Seek crowd, please allow me to tell you via this cover letter why you should just employ me in this role without the need for an interview process. My appointment is in line with your staffing worldwide search policy as I live 4.22 minutes away from Perth Glory headquarters.

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Firstly, I look great in purple. My love for the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and idolisation of the Artist Formerly Known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince has resulted in my acquisition of a full wardrobe of Perth Glory attire. I have purple velvet suits, top-hats and purple leather shoes so I am willing to have the CEO Clothing fund waived to be devoted to other flagged areas of need for the club, such as social media.

My previous experience of once getting retweeted by a celebrity because of my stinging critique of Bianca and Drasko’s rubbish soufflé on My Kitchen Rules and general irritable nature on social media make me a fantastic candidate to really lead the club forward in this regard. I have long admired the club’s policy of letting any drunken intern take the reins on the club social accounts.

I also wholeheartedly agree with the club’s view that no-one checking the tweets/posts and ‘letting it ride’ is a good way to be authentic with the fans. I am willing to drink constantly while fulfilling my social duties and will look to start online fights between other players, coaches, other clubs and our own supporters wherever possible as in line with the current objectives of the Perth Glory team.

Obviously, the role will need key staff to be brought in to fulfill various roles. Good news is that in line with current club policy, I am willing to bring on my two brothers and father into high-paying roles straight away. I am more than happy as per existing club policy to take roles off existing, established and more experienced staff members. I recognise that the Glory hold this policy close at heart after generations of its continuance and am dedicated to follow suit.

Helpfully, my experience with working with Sage is well established. On my first day on the job I will bring in my Sage and Vegetable Ravioli and all will nod in appreciation of the fine decision that the club has made in my appointment. You can work Sage in many ways, after all it is rich, fun to play with and smells great *winks*

Financial management is a key criterion of this role and I am delighted that my nous with money and previous study once again aligns with the traditions of the club. I completed Unit One of Year 11 Accounting with great success. After really getting the hang of entering amounts into Microsoft Excel and mastering the sort function I felt it a waste of time to do the rest. From what I can tell that is about the right qualification for this role?

What I cannot work out is how the club got busted for salary cap violations? Surely you just should have just hid the money in mattresses like I did when I stole $600 out of my mum’s emergency fund when she went out last week. Going forward this should be your policy (I will implement this) however you must remember to lay mouse traps so salary cap money does not get eaten by mice. Sorry mum!

Although it should not be required I am happy to answer any further questions regarding my suitability through an interview.

Alternatively, you can find me at my mum’s house or under that cardboard box in Kings Park when she kicks me out again. Just make sure the interview is before 2:50pm because I hate getting the 83 bus with all the school kids because they sit and laugh at me for some reason.

Also, please forgive me for not including my resume because my dog ate it.

Kind regards,

Kyle Chandler