The new Halloween movie (also titled Halloween, because who the hell wants to get their Amazon order right the first time) ignores most of the other films in the franchise. And by "most," I mean every single one of them except the first. And while this slash/burn campaign on the series' continuity sounds a little unnecessary to some, I totally get it.

That's because, as I'm sure the writers of the new Halloween figured out, after the first three films, Michael Myers is absolutely replaced by a cyborg. If you think I'm joking, know that I'm about to make a hell of a compelling case. You're about to feel like a fool for doubting me. A fool.

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For those with a lackluster taste in cinema, I'll bring you up to speed: Michael Myers' first killing spree comes to an end in Halloween II, after a showdown with his sister Laurie Strode and failed psychiatrist Samuel Loomis. Laurie manages to shoot Michael in both of his eyes, which means that Halloween III should logically deal with her trying out for the Olympics.

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And then, for good measure, Loomis causes the room to explode, leaving Michael engulfed in fire. Though he somehow learned to drive at the sanitarium he'd been in since childhood, he apparently never learned to stop, drop, and roll. Despite there being several more movies featuring the character, due to evidence outlined below, I believe that this is the last time we see the real Michael Myers in action.