Recently, an ominous package was spotted outside the front gates of U.S. Cellular Field. Upon closer inspection, however, security personnel realized it was not a package at all, but was instead the atrocious-smelling White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, drunk and writhing below a trench coat he found in the street.

Several Pierzynski-related instances throughout the city have required officials to contact the Hazardous Materials First Responder Team to the site. Chicago disaster specialist Dr. Frank O’Laney finally removed his Haz-Mat suit and commented on the situation.

“Out of many Pierzynski calls we’ve responded to, this may be the worst,” said O’Laney. “Due to the toxic smell of the catcher, we need to insist you stay at least 2,000 yards away at all times.”

Several members of the Chicago Police Department on the scene had fallen ill from Pierzynski’s odor. CPD veteran Lt. Jim Naperelloniski was severely traumatized by the White Sox catcher’s decrepit state.

“In 32 years on the force I’ve never seen anything so awful,” he said. “The horror…oh the horror…”

By Andy Landgrebe. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte