Whatever: We Ranked The Supreme Court Justices Based On Looks

You can lie to yourself all you want and pretend like the Supreme Court justices are all equally attractive, but they aren’t, so we went ahead and ranked them based on hotness. What are you going to do, sue us? Good luck. Here are the rankings of the Supreme Court Justices based on looks.

9. Stephen Breyer

Let’s get started. Nominated by Bill Clinton in the ’90s, Justice Stephen Breyer is 80 years old and not exactly the resident Ryan Gosling of the Supreme Court of the United States if you ask us. As far as unfuckable Supreme Court justices go, this is about as unfuckable as it gets. Bald, old as hell, tiny-ass glasses—honestly, we shouldn’t even have to justify this to you. Breyer is ninth out of nine. Moving on.

8. Samuel Alito

Yeah, if the Supreme Court nomination process had a beauty portion, let’s just say Samuel Alito would not have made the cut. Sort of a “butterface” situation except without the nice body. File this justice under “cannot get it”—Samuel Alito is straight up nasty!

7. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

RBG is a four in terms of looks, but more like a six in personality, so that definitely helps her standing somewhat. Still, she’s seventh on the list—and it’s not exactly a competitive field, so all things considered it looks like Ginsberg is not that physically attractive. Honestly, we bet she’d fall a lot lower if it weren’t for her famous workout regimen. Look, we know that some people will have problems with this list, but that doesn’t make us wrong.

6. Brett Kavanaugh

It was a close one between Ginsburg and Kavanaugh, but Kavanaugh won out thanks to his pretty nice head of hair. Yeah, he does have that kind of face that somehow makes him look like a little boy and a rat at the same time, but those thick tresses are doing some serious heavy lifting. He’s no DILF, but he’s far from the fugliest on the court.

5. Elena Kagan

And here we are exactly halfway through the rankings with Justice Kagan. Everyone past here has above-average looks for a Supreme Court justice. Kagan herself? Middle of the road.

4. Clarence Thomas

You don’t have to like the guy to know a pretty much symmetrical face when you see one. He’s definitely seen better days, but Clarence Thomas looks totally passable, especially as far as high-ranking judges go. Who’s up next?

3. John Roberts

Okay, let’s finally get to some of the hotter justices. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to notice that Chief Justice Roberts is lookin’ not too bad these days. Nice jawline, nothing too freaky going on face-wise, and a pair of striking blue eyes to top it off. Definitely earned his spot in the top third.

2. Sonia Sotomayor

Here’s a judge who knows how to put a look together from hair to makeup to jewelry. Shout-out to Sonia Sotomayor for being by far one of the most pleasant-looking people in the parade of gross-faced creeps that is most of the Supreme Court—it doesn’t take much, but she did it. She’s not exactly a Hollywood starlet, but as far as the Supreme Court justices go, Sotomayor is one of the most fuckable. Way to go, Sonia.

1. Neil Gorsuch

Well, we all knew where this was headed. Neil Gorsuch is hottest on the bench by a mile: Tall, athletic, classically handsome, good skier, rocks the white hair look with confidence. Easily the sexiest justice currently on the court if not the sexiest all-time. And now that we’ve arrived at number one, the rankings are finished. Now you know which of the Supreme Court justices are the hottest!