If Kristen Stewart Were Your Girlfriend

Yesterday: If Channing Tatum Were Your Boyfriend.

1. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would never run out of slouchy blazers and carefully tailored men’s shirts to borrow. “Just take one,” she’d say, with a sigh of mock exasperation. “You’re always wearing my stuff anyway.”

2. She’d have her own strange way of ordering things in coffee shops as a result of having grown up with having things brought to her by assistants. That’s not the way she wanted things to be; it’s just a reality of being an actress. “I’ll have the big coffee,” she’ll say, and you’ll start giggling irresistibly, not because you think less of her for it, but because you’ve never heard that particular turn of phrase before and somehow it makes you love her slightly more. “What?” she’ll say, turning to you but unable to conceal the grin spreading itself over her mouth. “I want the big coffee!”

“I want you to have to the big coffee too, babe,” you’ll say as you wrap your arms around her and move towards the counter together. “Two of the big coffees, please,” you’ll tell the cashier.

3. A few weeks into your relationship, you’d start getting friendly, studiedly casual texts from Evan Rachel Wood and Raven-Symoné and Katherine Moennig and Angel Haze and Clea Duvall and Ellen Page. “Have you told your friends about us?” you’d ask, and she’d pretend not to hear you.

“We’re just really glad to see Stewart happy,” Clea would text you. “Do you guys want to stop by for a dinner party tomorrow? It will be exactly like the one Bette and Tina threw in season three, with all the garden lanterns and none of the fighting or butch-phobia.”

4. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would be the only person in the world who knew how often she really smiled.

5. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, every one of your exes would start angling for invitations to weekend brunch. But Kristen doesn’t do weekend brunch.

“It’s just such a production for like, eight-dollar ham slices and not even that great French toast,” she’d say, before wrapping her legs around you. “Just stay in bed with me. I’ll make you brunch.”

“You can’t cook,” you’d remind her. “You can barely even order coffee.”

“I used to live next door to a guy who was a short-order cook in Koreatown,” she’d say. “On nights I couldn’t sleep, he’d show me how to make omelettes, poached eggs. I learned a bunch of shit from him.”

“Baaabe,” you’d say. “You couldn’t sleep? I’m so sorry.”

“Fuck off,” she’d say, and walk towards the kitchen in a pair of boxer briefs. “I’m making you eggs.”

6. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she’d never correct your pronunciation of words you’d read but never heard spoken aloud before. She’d never pretend to have read something she hadn’t, either.

7. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would never make you go to Coachella with her. “I know festivals aren’t your thing,” she’d say, and she’d mean it. “I want you to spend the weekend with your friends. Doing something you like to do.” Kristen Stewart would never succumb to the lesbian urge to merge. She would admire you for needing space, and she would give it to you.

8. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would not encourage you to get matching haircuts. “I like that you’re your own person,” she’d say. But she would still let you borrow her motorcycle boots.

9. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would introduce you to Joan Jett like she was introducing you to her mom. “Are you ready?” she’d ask twenty minutes before she was supposed to leave. “I really don’t want to be late for this. Do you want me to go bring the car around?”

You’d poke your head out from behind the bedroom door. “If you went to go bring the car around, we’d be twenty minutes late, because every woman in Los Angeles would be trying to tear the flannel off of you.”

“I’m just really excited for you to meet her,” Kristen would say.

“I know,” you’d say.

“I don’t want anyone to tear the flannel off of me but you,” she’d say.

“I know,” you’d say. “Now let me finish getting dressed. Go sit down.” And she would. And Joan Jett would love you.

10. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would always humor you when you wanted to read particularly gory passages aloud in bed from the medical mystery non-fiction books you like.

“I don’t mind,” she’d say. “Yeah, let me hear another one.”