So in order to understand why I am where I am at this point in life, I have to give you some basic information about my past.

I was born in a city called Monclova, in the state of Coahuila, in northern Mexico. When I was five years old, my parents moved us three to Georgia. I did not know the language, everything was foreign to me, and ding ding ding you guessed it, I was undocumented.

My family was able to obtain touristic visas which is how we were able to legally enter the United States. We over stayed and that is why we are considered undocumented. Now, I wanted to explain a little pet peeve of mine that always drives me insane when people misuse. A person that is illegally in this country is a person that has been issues a notice of deportation by ICE or Homeland Security. At that point, they have been caught for being illegally in this country, and are being forced to leave the country. Someone who is undocumented, is someone who has not been caught, but does not have the correct documentation to be legally in the United States.

Make sense? Cool. So, I started Kindergarden here in the states. I learned English pretty quickly, and I did not have a hard time assimilating into the American culture, for the most part you can say. I became involved in basketball, cheerleading, science olympiad, student council, etc, etc. I also had really good grades, so I was always on the honor roll in school.

My first couple of years here in the states were mainly a blur. I remember knowing my family was different, and I knew I had to keep our situation a secret from everyone, otherwise I would get us in trouble.

The first experience I had where I felt held back by my status was the day I received a letter in the mail to attend a People to People sort of study abroad in Washington, DC for young students. I remembered asking my mom if I could go, but her saying it was too risky having me fly. Even though it was inside the states, she still worried something would go horribly wrong, and I would get turned into immigration.

Now, the area I moved to was a pretty wealthy area. We lived right outside of it, but unfortunately I had to go to school with these wealthy children. They were all pretty nice to me, until they learned that my family was not wealthy like theirs and we lived in the trailer park down the street. I remember begging my mom to buy me Limited Too clothing so that I could fit in with everyone, but it still didn’t matter, because in the following years, I would definitely not be fitting in.

In the Hispanic Culture, when a girl turns 15, it is a HUGE deal. You have what is called a Quinceañera, which is a coming of age celebration. You get to wear a super gorgeous dress, dance beautiful dances with your friends and family members and basically be the center of attention for one night. While I was so excited planning for this, it hit me that all my friends were stoked to turn 15, so they could get their driving permits and begin learning to drive!

Because of my status, of course this was not something I could do, and it was so awkward having to make up excuses about why I hadn’t gotten my permit, “Oh, I’ve been busy. Oh, my parent’s are afraid of me driving. Oh, I’m in trouble, so I can’t get it until my parents aren’t mad at me anymore.” The list goes on.

So for about a year, I kept these lies coming and when everyone was turning 16 and getting their licenses, I would just say, “Eh…I don’t really want to drive.” or, “Oh, I can’t afford a car, so I don’t want my license yet.”

SO FRUSTRATING.

Well….the best has yet to come. It was the beginning of my senior year, so like everyone, it was time to start applying to colleges! What an exciting time, right? NEGATIVE. In my lovely state, Georgia, the year I became a senior, the GA Board of Regents decided to no longer allow undocumented students into public universities.

However, we were still allowed to apply to private universities. But for those of you who are aware, a public university can range between $6,000-10,000 a year depending on the school for tuition. Private schools start at about $18,000 a year and can go up to $50,000+ a year! Plus, we were not allowed to take out loans or receive any type of federal aid. So the Hope Scholarship and other federal grants, were out of the question for me.

This was one of the most depressing times of my life! I had worked SO HARD my entire life, getting really good grades, always taking honors and AP classes, scoring extremely well on my SAT and ACt tests, and then be told that just because of my undocumented status, I could not pursue my dreams of getting a higher education? THIS WAS SO UNFAIR!

During my middle school and high school years, I became very close to a church. However, this church was full of these wealthy people I spoke about earlier. Some of them loved my family and me, but the few that found out about our situation looked down on us and refused to even look at us or be in the same room as us, because they were disgusted with us.

Not having anyone I could trust was hard, because I had no idea where to turn for help. My parents were 100% supportive and were willing to do anything to help, but I needed guidance, I needed so much help!

The summer before my senior year, I began dating someone who had become a great friend in one of my AP classes that previous year. When we first started dating, I kept my secret to myself, but I knew I really loved him, and if I wanted something to come out of our relationship, I had to tell him and his family the truth. I was SO WORRIED because they are a very well off PERFECT family. Like seriously perfect. I did not know how they would take it.

His family is very close, so it might sound weird that I am saying I had to tell him and his family, but that is just how they roll. Luckily for me, the family continued to accept me with arms wide open. They did not judge. They loved me. Every single person in that family loved my story. They asked numerous questions, but never once made me feel bad about myself for being in the situation.

My boyfriend was by my side the entire college search journey I had to deal with. He watched me cry, scream, kick and so many other things, because of how stressed I was. At one point, we even considered getting married, so that I could become legal, but we decided that God had a plan and I did not want to marry him for that reason. I loved him so much, and I knew I wanted to marry him one day BUT for the right reasons.

I continued to do my research, and I started talking to many college admissions counselors in private universities close to my home about scholarships and opportunities available for students in my situation. I was accepted to all the Universities I applied to, and I qualified for many of the most prestigious scholarships that each school had. But even though I was offered so many scholarships, it was still not enough.

I had one last opportunity for one last school. I was called in to interview for a full tuition scholarship at a University about 30 minutes from my home. That day was actually a beautiful day as I remember. We were having family arrive from Mexico, so my mom had to stay back to greet them, so my boyfriend’s beautiful mom drove me up to the University. I was so nervous, but excited.

When I got there, I was given a tour with all the other students applying for the scholarship. We then had lunch in the dining hall, and after lunch, we had the interviews. I was the second interview, and it lasted about 20 minutes, but it felt like 10 hours! I was being interviewed by some of the Elite of the University as they called it.

When I left the interview, I wanted to throw up. I had no idea what would happen. It was time to play the waiting game. I went home and enjoyed spending the rest of the week with my family who came to visit.

A week went by, two weeks went by, three, and I hadn’t heard anything. I was pretty certain that my dreams of attending college were over! I was certain it was not in my plan. I was ready to throw in the towel.

April 30, 2011: It was the day that I was to present my senior project to a panel of judges. I went to my first two classes, and called my mom crying, telling her to come get me, because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. She came to get me, and I went home to take a nap, before my 6:00 pm presentation. When I woke up, I had a voicemail. It was the head of admissions at the University asking me to please give her a call back.

I was shaking that I couldn’t even dial the numbers. She cut to the chase and told me that she was proud to offer me a full tuition scholarship to their university! I could not believe it! Was this real? Was it a dream? What in the world? Me? Seriously? AHHH! Yes, it was all real!

The hard work had paid off. I was shaking, crying, screaming, so excited! She told me to go online and sign up for orientation and we would take it from there!

I called my mom and my boyfriend to tell them the wonderful news. They were both so excited for me! We couldn’t believe it! I was going to go to college! WOW!

I arrived to my high school that night to do my presentation, and I told all my teachers who knew about my situation. So many of them were crying tears of joy, because they feared that my education was going to end right there. But no, I was going to go to college!

Now, the crazy thing is, my story doesn’t end here at all. It continues. It actually gets pretty good.

So August of 2011 comes around and my boyfriend and I end up going to two different Universities. It was hard, but we made it work. I began going to college, originally a General Business major. After a few weeks, I decided to add a Math major, and then a year later decided to add a concentration in Accounting for my business degree.

Well, just like in high school, I quickly got involved with different areas of campus. I was recruited by the Student Government Association to be the treasurer about 3 weeks into my freshman year. I became club president of a few clubs, and I was even asked to be a tour guide and a summer orientation leader for prospective students.

Sadly, I could not have a work study job because of my situation, so I was limited as to the type of involvement I could have on campus.

I successfully finished my first year of college with a 4.0 GPA. I was re-elected treasurer, and I kept my other leadership positions. In June of 2012, I received horrible news from the University President. The University was now required to E-Verify all students holding leadership positions on campus that could be interpreted as work. E-verify if the national verification system that all employers are being pushed to use to check the legal working status of their employees.

Because of my involvement, I was going to be forced to drop all of my leadership positions. I was not the only student being affected by this. This was such devastating news. I could not believe it. The one institution I thought I could trust was turning its back on me. I was so disappointed.

On July 15, 2012, I was sitting in one of the halls of my university as I was doing volunteer work since I could not “legally” hold my orientation leader position, when one of my professors came running for me and said, “You need to check the news, RIGHT NOW! Something great has happened that will help you.”

I called my mom and asked her if she knew what he was talking about. My mom said that Obama had released a statement declaring Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) which gave temporary relief to children who were brought here undocumented at a young age. DACA would also give these people the opportunity to receive a work permit so they can legally work, and a license so they could drive!

This was the best news I had EVER received! This meant I could not be deported, and I would not have to fear any more! In order to go through this process, I had to hire a lawyer and pay some fees. Money was tight with my family, so in order for me to get things done quickly, my boyfriend’s family gifted me the money to get the process done.

By Christmas of 2012 I received the wonderful news that I been approved for DACA! I went to apply for my social security number and driving permit right away so I could begin learning to drive.

So this sounds like a happy story that is going to have a super happy ending, right? Well, it technically is. But the crazy thing is that it has been a year since I was approved for DACA and my anxiety and depression is at its highest it has ever been.

It took me a whole year to be able to get behind the wheel. I was so scared to drive, because my whole life I grew up fearing being in a car with a parent with no license and the consequences that could come of that. I got my license in the beginning of December, but it was scary. I was physically ill for over a week just thinking about driving. The fear never really leaves you.

I am currently the Student Body President at my University, still have a 4.0 and I will be interning next semester with a local accounting firm making pretty good money, but why am I still so depressed? I honestly haven’t been able to figure it out.

I have seen the school counselor, I have talked to wonderful people in hopes that I can figure it out, but the depression is still there. My heart feels like it was broken by this country, and even though it tried to fix it by giving me a SSN and other papers, it still hurts that I had to go through everything I did.

Now, some have told me in the past that I deserve all of it, because my parents did something wrong, but they just wanted what was best for me. They wanted to give me a better future. They didn’t have the opportunity to get a college degree, and they wanted to give me that opportunity, so that I could have a better life. So I don’t think its fair to say that I “deserve” this heartache.

I have a little sister who is 13, and I try so hard to stay positive for her, but its hard. It really is hard. My parents, my boyfriend (yes, 3.5 years and he is still around) all try their hardest to motivate me and help me move past all of this, but its really hard. I haven’t been able to.

I wonder if other people in my shoes feel the same way. Or I wonder if this is just me? I really don’t know, but what I do know is that I am a fighter. I NEVER give up. When one door shuts, I look for another. I am so grateful for all the people who have supported me and for all of the opportunities given to me. I will keep fighting, and try my hardest to make an impact in other people’s lives.

The American Dream is a beautiful thing to aspire to attain, but sometimes when I lay at night crying my eyes out, I wonder if its all worth it.