With a mere 17 tickets estimated to have been sold for the live WWE Stomping Grounds event in Tacoma, the company announced today that several “WrestleMania-caliber” bouts have been added to the card.

Perhaps most notably, Stomping Grounds will see a highly anticipated rematch between The Undertaker and Bill Goldberg — this time competing to obtain a 20-year WWE contract locked in a briefcase and dangling 25 feet above the ring.

“We listen to the fans,” said sports-entertainment impresario Vince McMahon this morning at a press conference in Tacoma. “And the fans could not stop talking about the first showdown between The Undertaker and Goldberg at our Super ShowDown event in, um, a place. Overseas somewhere.”

McMahon boasted that The Undertaker and Goldberg “nearly killed each other” in their last encounter, which is technically true. Added McMahon: “The high-flying aerial assault of the Undertaker will put the incredible technical skills of Goldberg to the ultimate test, quite frankly.”

Other matches added to Stomping Grounds in hopes of drumming up interest in the inconsequential pay-per-view:

Charlotte vs. Ric Flair (to crown the first WWE Intergender Intergenerational Champion)

Bret Hart vs. the Fan Who Tackled Bret Hart at the WWE Hall of Fame

Vince McMahon vs. Paul Heyman

(Time Permitting) AJ Styles vs. Kenny Omega (debuting as Irish brawler Manny O’Kenna)

If WWE succeeds in this eleventh-hour shuffle, Stomping Grounds could very well become the 14th-best WWE pay-per-view of the year.