The list of transfer targets that QPR have been linked with reads like a who’s who of the football world:

……’s free agents and players not getting first-team football. So I’ve come up with a handy pocket guide (if you have a wifi in your pocket) on who some of them are, the likelihood of them coming to Loftus Road and if they’d fit in:

Stephen Ireland:



Current club ?

Aston Villa

Most famous for ?

Being absolutely ridiculous, even by Premiership footballer standards. He’ll forever be a man who lied about THREE different grans dying, despite two of them being alive and one of them fictional, to get out of playing a crucial international match first and a footballer second. Also when he was transferred from Man City to Aston Villa as part of a part-exchange deal with James Milner, he famously had an undignified outburst, saying: “I guess James Milner must think the grass is greener on the other side. He’s going to get a shock soon because it’s definitely not that way.” James Milner now has a Premier League and FA Cup winner’s medal.

Played under Hughes before ?

Yes at Man City, did quite well for him, actually. When Hughes was replaced by Roberto Mancini, his first team opportunities were limited as Mancini decided that Vincent Kompany, Nigel de Jong and Patrick Vieira were better footballers than him. Madness, I know.

Why they wouldn’t sign for QPR ?

He managed only to make two appearances while on loan at Newcastle last season due to having more injuries than dead grans. Then again, he’d take the same medical that Kieron Dyer took, so he should pass with flying colours.

The impact they would have at the club ?

Make Joey Barton look like Emily Bishop by comparison. Drive tacky cars around West London.

The impact they definitely won’t have at the club ?

Be in charge of making an announcement about anyone’s death (see ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’)

Likelihood of them actually signing ?

As likely as Jedward announcing they’re having a relationship with each other – we all expect it, but we are in no doubt that it would be wrong.

Alessandra Del Piero:

Current club ?

Free agent. Formerly at Juventus for nineteen years. Nineteen ! When he signed for Juventus, Shaun Derry probably hadn’t fully completed puberty.

Most famous for ?

For being Juventus. He was there through the good times (winning domestic and European titles) and the bad times (getting relegated as punishment for Juventus picking favourable referees to aid them in winning domestic and European titles)

Played under Hughes before ?

No.

Why they wouldn’t sign for QPR ?

We’re not Juventus.

The impact they would have at the club ?

Wonder why the referees don’t all call him “mate” and ask “are you up for a pint after you win today” whilst winking.

The impact they definitely won’t have at the club ?

Nineteen years of service, he probably hasn’t got it in him.

Likelihood of them actually signing ?

As likely as Ricky Gervais doing another series of ‘The Office’, no matter how much we want it, it’s basically the end and there are projects in America that are much more lucrative.

Christopher Samba:



Current club ?

Anzhi Makhachkala, a nouveau-riche club who’s name, when pronounced properly, sounds like the name of a curry made from the meat of a woman named Angie.

Most famous for ?

Despite being their captain and best player, he left Blackburn in the winter because he thought their future looked bleak. He wasn’t wrong.

Played under Hughes before ?

Yes, Hughes signed him for Blackburn from Hertha Berlin, a club whose name sounds like the name of a psychotic, butch German mountain-woman who would make curries from the meat of other human women.

Why they wouldn’t sign for QPR ?

He’s said to be unhappy in Russia because of racist abuse he’s receiving from the terraces, so he may not want to sign for QPR as we’ll have to visit Anfield at some point this season.

The impact they would have at the club ?

Strikers would soil themselves in fear when coming up against the 6’4″ centre back.

The impact they definitely won’t have at the club ?

Ashley Young even thinking about staying on his feet whilst in the same half of the pitch as him.

Likelihood of them actually signing ?

As likely as the outcome of a conversation between Roman Abramovich and John Terry’s magistrate. While we hope the decision made will be against racist abuse, we know deep down that it’ll be ignored for a giant pay-off.

Fabio:

Current club ?

Manchester United

Most famous for ?

Having an identical twin who plays for the same team as him, Rafael. Fabio is the one not named after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Played under Hughes before ?

No.

Why they wouldn’t sign for QPR ?

A lack of people who look exactly like him in the squad. This could be remedied by Ale Faurlin growing a small afro.

The impact they would have at the club ?

He’s a left-sided full-back who’s good going forward, but not great defensively, so he’d just be Armand Traore, basically.

The impact they definitely won’t have at the club ?

Right-sided midfielders giving a shit when seeing his name on the team sheet

Likelihood of them actually signing ?

It doesn’t look like it’s happening at the moment, but there’s every chance this story could gain momentum and it could actually happen – like World War 3

Charles Lawley (@charleslawley)