The main focus of the Beyond the Kerb blog has always been the aspect of road use in general which I find—literally, in all too many cases—morbidly fascinating: people’s attitudes, which are manifested not just in people’s personal use of the roads, but also in the media and, most concerningly of all, law. But, occasionally, I mention cycling infrastructure.

For the most part, I don’t write about infrastructure because there are many people who do it far better than I could ever hope to (if you want infrastructure-rich blogs, check out A View From the Cycle Path, As Easy as Riding a Bike, The Alternative Department for Transport and Crap Waltham Forest to name but a few). But to my mind infrastructure has always been, if anything, a somewhat incendiary topic, not least because until a few years ago I’d only ever seen stuff that was dire: so dire that, unhesitatingly, I’d rather take my chances among the fast, heavy vehicles of the main carriageway than use it.

So, instead of blogging diligently about infrastructure, I tweet somewhat facetiously about it, via Bollocksinfra (and before that, it lived on Tumblr). But I thought it might be time to pick out a sort of “greatest hits” collection for an article.

So, without further ado, here are The Bollocksinfra UK Cycling Infrastructure Guidelines.

1. Don’t spoil the atmos

As we all know, cycling is not a valid means of getting to an actual destination. It’s for those days out when you’re happy to stop at every junction to whip out a map and see where you are and where you’re going. It’s all part of that image that everyone is chasing when they jump on a bike: the freedom and quiet of the 1950s British countryside. You’ve probably got a wicker basket containing either a Scots terrier or a picnic with plenty of ginger beer. If we were to put up signs telling people where routes go, your idyllic day out would be ruined by all sorts of working class people trying to get to factories and coalpits and stuff, and that simply wouldn’t do.

"Good morning, sir. Where are you going?" "I'm trying to get to 52." "No problem! Take 4 to 52. Bye!" HT @cycleoptic pic.twitter.com/2od2FdBSoN — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) December 4, 2014

Obviously, sometimes the signage department slips up and lets people know where they’re headed. But don’t worry: the planning department is always there as a backup, to show these ghastly commuting types that the bicycle is wholly unsuited to purposeful transport.

Newmarket. 6 miles by car. So let's make it 15 miles by bicycle, because it's not proper transport. HT @ianPdriver pic.twitter.com/eo8PIsR6jr — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 24, 2015

2. Be concise

Never let it be said that signage is not a useful tool. Sometimes, it’s so useful that it can make up the entire of a project.

Keep very quiet in a council office in Sheffield and you can hear the sound of a box being ticked. HT @SheffCycleCity pic.twitter.com/brmXOYUraj — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 17, 2015

In recent times, however, the public have been more discerning, and some highway engineers consider painting just a bicycle symbol in the carriageway to be insufficient.

"And she's buying a stairway to bollocks" RT @AlternativeDfT: … I'd say this has been well and truly cycle-proofed: pic.twitter.com/xa8rnqaWKA — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 14, 2013

3. Never forget the hierarchy of provision

As everyone knows, the bicycle is the lowest form of transport. Anyone using one must always give way: to drivers leaving their driveways…

DAS AUTO ÜBER ALLES! How to get so close and yet so, so far. Depressing. HT @saintly_jim pic.twitter.com/PJqwbAcQqT — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 17, 2015

…to drivers leaving car parks…

Cycling to work, Milton Keynes style. Or the count the yellow posts game pic.twitter.com/h00YCi2mJA — James Gleave (@jamesgleave1) May 6, 2014

…to, er, parking spaces…

Everything you need to know about British cycling infrastructure in one image. pic.twitter.com/qHkHiR3Qqo HT @HaringeyCyclist — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 30, 2014

…and to, well, nothing at all.

Dismount because nothing. And again. And again. How to train people to ignore signage. HT @smsm1 @dandoherty1981 pic.twitter.com/MUKIB7iYr9 — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 13, 2015

It’s only fair.

4. Know your customer

All cyclists are able-bodied, fit, and love nothing more than to get off their bike and lift it into the air. No-one uses bicycles for shopping, for assistive mobility, for carrying luggage, for carrying passengers or for towing loads. No-one uses tricycles or handcycles, and no-one would ever want a safe, accessible route for a mobility scooter or wheelchair. All of which means that cycling infrastructure should take its inspiration from cyclocross courses and The Crystal Maze.

Not content with shafting those who can't lift their bike above their head, @sgloscouncil also shafts those who *can* pic.twitter.com/nBFetQHeOx — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 25, 2015

5. Less is more

Don’t think that a project has to be big in order for you to leave your mark as a designer. Sometimes the smallest projects offer the greatest freedom of expression. From tiny acorns grow mighty oaks!

There’s a voice that keeps on calling me / Down the road is where bollocks’ll always be pic.twitter.com/m23WSaiArD HT @Anderson3Amy — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) June 1, 2014

If there's something weird / And it don't look good / Who you gonna call? / Bollocks pic.twitter.com/xB8YLEgTjK HT @imogenwentworth — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) April 27, 2014

Pointlessly well-maintained bollocks RT @Dark_Wolf: RT @AsEasyAsRiding: This has been freshly repainted pic.twitter.com/mlETnyXaa0 — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 12, 2013

So bollocks you want to punch someone RT @geckobike: One for cycle-facility-of-the-month pic.twitter.com/WBDE7GD6EV HT: @robertjmcnamara — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) March 19, 2014

6. Think inside the box

Too much freedom can actually inhibit your creativity. As a highway engineer, you’ll relish the fascinating challenge of dividing up existing bits of tarmac with some new paint.

The intractable problem with cycle infrastructure is: Where is the space for it going to come from, eh? HT @GMcycling pic.twitter.com/laWKFjZhM2 — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 28, 2015

Manchester's extremely narrow streets prove to be a tricky challenge for highway designers. HT @billypilgrimage pic.twitter.com/k4KDth0Z4m — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) January 29, 2015

Don’t forget that cycling infrastructure is incredibly versatile.

7. Think outside the box

You are slave to no-one. You have the power. Rules are for squares. It’s not like cyclists ever stick to the rules anyway, so there’s no point making it clear to anyone who’s got priority or what the hell’s generally going on. Draw some stuff and take the afternoon off.

This snafu just in from the Make It Up As You Go Along department. HT @nigreenways pic.twitter.com/nQMfMIbfNB — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 17, 2015

Whatever it is that @NewcastleCC have been smoking, don't let your kids get into it. HT @Twlthomas @rollingslowly pic.twitter.com/lrGFJ1xLlp — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) April 14, 2015

8. Speed doesn’t kill

Speed isn’t important: what’s important is that everyone stays on their own bits of the tarmac. Adding infrastructure to a 70mph-limit road is fine, because if anything goes wrong, someone must have been crossing a bit of paint, which means it absolutely isn’t your fault.

A bit of paint on a 70mph road. Feel safe? Or just feel confused as to why no-one's riding on it? HT @ellenfromnowon pic.twitter.com/WUaYo14Mn7 — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) May 11, 2015

Tempted to get some top trumps made. pic.twitter.com/63p87CYMIg — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) August 25, 2015

9. Stick to the brand guidelines

If you call it a Superhighway, it must be good. Don’t listen to the naysayers.

Turns out blue paint doesn't keep lorries off bikes. Who knew? (Minor injuries only.) HT @se1 pic.twitter.com/YRJWoVENcE — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) March 13, 2015

This is a London Cycle Superhighway, where people get Cycle Superkilled by Cycle Supertippertrucks. HT @RossiTheBossi pic.twitter.com/eI13Yqpaca — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 19, 2015

10. Everyone rides mountain bikes these days

People all ride mountain bikes, and they do so because they love the adventure of cycling. They love the mud and water that their bikes are specifically adapted to, and we should make them feel as at home as possible on cycleways.

This is NCN1, part of the UK's National Cycle Network. *plays fanfare on Bontempi organ* HT @saintly_jim pic.twitter.com/mbNQ873CrH — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 9, 2015

What’s more, people love the technical challenge of obstacles. It gives them a sense of satisfaction.

Not sure if they've even heard of floating bus stops in Glasgow, but this is a Titanic failure. HT @Michael_Dougall pic.twitter.com/N1oIBgbY8h — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) July 22, 2015

Standing here / The old man said to me / Long before these bollocks streets / Here stood my dreaming tree pic.twitter.com/VoLQLlIBIQ … — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) May 7, 2014

Thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk pic.twitter.com/5MlLmnVfgD HT @deedeelea — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 17, 2014

11. Design to prevent crime

Bicycle theft is a serious and growing problem. The infrastructure community can help to prevent bicycle theft, by making it as difficult as possible for people to leave their bikes unattended.

WTF?! RT @Dark_Wolf: @bollocksinfra Iceland, Chelmsford refurbed this parking in May. Why bother having it at all? pic.twitter.com/49ZkZJkbrw — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) October 11, 2013

Apparently @LidlUK got some paper clips in a Christmas cracker and welded them to their trolley park. HT @gazza_d pic.twitter.com/Seepomig52 — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) March 16, 2015

12. Keep the dream alive

It would be a grey day indeed if we were to let reality shackle our hopes and dreams of convincing people that bicycles are not proper transport. If we have an opportunity to spread that message, we should do so.

It's almost as if whoever put this here was a complete moron with a head full of mashed potato. HT @paulgannonbike pic.twitter.com/G27s72sxqA — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) February 24, 2015

Don’t worry, though: once the following year’s budget comes in, we’ll be back to sort it out.

Fencing: for when desire lines somehow make you more certain that labyrinthine chicanes kick ass. HT @Stroppycow pic.twitter.com/k7wutuaBfi — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) April 8, 2015

13. Carpe diem

One day, there will come a rare opportunity to demonstrate to the world your true feelings about people who ride bicycles. Seize it!

Mother doesn't know where love has gone / She says it must be bollocks / That keeps us feeling strong pic.twitter.com/tx05iLqeTh … — Bollocks Infra (@bollocksinfra) May 12, 2014

Oh, and wheelchairs? They’re just sideways bicycles. We hate them, too.