“Life, uh, finds a way,” Dr. Ian Malcolm famously told us in Steven Spielberg’s 1993 dinosaur-filled masterpiece Jurassic Park. Apparently the second half of that quote is “to break your goddamn heart” because during an appearance on the Today Show in Australia, Jeff Goldblum revealed that he was nearly the voice of Siri. We first learned of the news via Esquire UK, and now all I want to do is hurl my iPhone into the goddamn ocean.

“Steve Jobs called me up a few decades ago to be the voice of Apple,” Goldblum revealed during his appearance. “That was early on, and I did not know it was Steve Jobs.”

Sadly, the universe in which Jeff Goldblum’s dulcet tones tell you the temperature outside and set three alarms so you can sleep through the first two is not the one in which we live. We live in the one where Susan Bennett’s voice is the one helping us with our mundane tasks and all too frequently misunderstanding what the hell I’m telling her in an effort not to crash my car. No offense to Ms. Bennett, but I’m sure she understands where I’m coming from here.

At least we’ll always have the video of Jeff Goldblum’s 1999 iMac ad which has been slowed down to such an insane degree that His Jazziness sounds like he is 19 margaritas deep.

Would you buy an iPhone if Jeff Goldblum had been the voice of Siri? Who else would you rather have than the default voice? Let us know in the comments below.

Image: Universal

Dan Casey is the senior editor of Nerdist and the author of books about Star Wars and the Avengers. Follow him on Twitter (@Osteoferocious).