Ha ha, look at all my presents (Picture: EduardSV)

Ah kids. They’re all delightful little bundles of joy and fun, with their adorable giggles and their teeny tiny little feet, aren’t they?

No. Here’s just 21 of many reasons to hate them.

1. They’re all dicks

If I were to pick up a pencil and repeatedly try to stab my little sister’s eyes out, or start hitting my head against the wall because someone wouldn’t give me a biscuit, you could justifiably call me a dick to my face. Apparently you can’t do that to kids.


2. They can’t talk properly

Oh, come on, how hard is it to say ‘good morning’? Not very. If Wayne Rooney can say it, you should be able to say it.



3. They have to be the centre of attention all the time

Combine the humbleness of Kimye, the modesty of Justin Bieber and the subtlety of Arnold Schwarzenegger and you’ve basically got the personality of a very shy child.

4. They tell the truth all the time

Everyone else knows that you don’t call a fat, smelly person a fat, smelly person to their face, especially if you have to share a packed train with them for an hour and a half. Except kids.

5. Their parties are always better than yours

Despite the fact they’re one and will have no memory of the event AT ALL, they still get a £25 cake, a table full of presents and a garden full of friends who, when they piss in the pool or are sick in someone’s hair, get tolerant smiles instead of being ejected.

I can do whatever I want (Picture: windcatcher)

6. They get the best parking spaces

Well their parents do, anyway.

7. They’re really ugly

Not all of them, but quite a lot of them. Quite a lot of babies, in particular, emerge looking like a cross between a potato and ET. Tip: Maybe don’t say this to new mums.

8. They never try to fit in

But that’s a good thing, isn’t it? No, not when little George’s way of not fitting in is to repeatedly take his clothes off in public and start grabbing his winkie in front of total strangers.

9. Nits

Just nits.

10. They’re massively ungrateful

You’ve just spent the last 12 hours running around after them, intercepting them on their way to sharp objects, distracting them from getting upset about the fact their blankie is in the wash by singing jolly songs and basically saving their life from electrocution, drowning and/or choking. Their response at the end of the day? To scream at you for trying to inflict a milky drink, a story and a soft bed on them.

11. They basically hate other kids

You know those saps who say things like ‘aw, isn’t it lovely to see children playing’? These people have very poor eyesight. Which brings me to…

12. They’re violent. So violent

No amount of giving Barbies or tea sets to the little darlings will change the fact that all some of them really want to do is run around hitting other kids.

I’m smiling because I just pushed three other little boys off the park swing because it’s mine (Picture: Adam Petto)

13. They talk crap in public

Not as in stupid things (although God knows they do that as well). ACTUAL crap. As in ‘auntie, did that man just have a poo?’



14. They crap in public

Though the only thing worse than them talking about poo is when they ‘have a little problem’ in the freezer aisle of Sainsbury’s.

15. They expect you to drop everything for them RIGHT NOW

So you have to file some copy by 5pm, or ring your elderly grandma to check she’s still alive or, I don’t know, actually give birth. This is not important. What IS important is downloading Fireman Sam for the 5,000th time and singing the theme tune.

16. They make you sick

Actually sick. Not had a cold in a while? Just go visit a playground and you’ll be bed-ridden for weeks.

17. They always like the box best

You’ve just spent £50 on the latest gadget which the woman in John Lewis said all the kids wanted. Except the kid you bought it for. That kid will merrily throw your gift in the bin and then spend two hours putting small cars in and out of the box.

I can’t believe you’re trying to take me out to see the ducks, you monster (Picture: Nadezhda1906)

18. They can’t walk for more than 10 minutes without needing a piggy back or a buggy

It’s just lazy. Nobody offers to pick me up or wheel me about when my feet get sore.

19. They’re obsessed with things they’re not allowed

Some people might call this wonderful childish inquisitiveness. Others might say ‘dear God, Peter, where did you find that? It’s a sort of balloon for adults, no DON’T BLOW IT UP IN FRONT OF GRANDMA.’

20. They want to watch the same thing over and over and over again


I have no idea how any sane parent deals with somebody in your house insisting on watching The Lion King 12,000 times, no matter how much you liked it the first time.

21. Their default setting is ‘cry’

Hungry? Cry. Tired? Cry. Bored? Cry. Want to play with the Fireman Sam fire engine but can’t say fire engine yet so say car and get given a car? Cry. Honestly.

More: 22 things you only know if you’re in your 30s and single

MORE: This baby and sloth are best friends

MORE: Is this the most exciting children's theme park ever?

Advertisement Advertisement