Bill Hader our king. Photo: HBO

Bill Hader’s new comedy Barry premiered on HBO Sunday night, and frankly, certain Cut staffers haven’t stopped talking (sexually) about him since. Hader wrote and directed Barry, a bleak comedy about a small-town hit man, who goes to Los Angeles to complete a job and realizes he wants to act, not kill. The show is great — lots of humor and pathos — but that’s not the real reason we’re so into it. Now that beautiful Bill is out there with his best work yet, it feels like we can emerge from the darkness of a shame crush and shout it from the rooftops: We, like, really like Bill Hader. Like, Bill Hader, do you want to get married and buy a little house somewhere and make jam and just live a simple life together forever, Bill Hader.

Join us as we imagine sweet nothings whispered in a Stefon voice, and read on.

Allison Davis, sr. culture writer: My first question is: When did you realize Bill Hader was actually totally kind of hot?

Madeleine Aggeler, staff writer: He was already getting prettttty hot on SNL. Especially his late SNL years, like 2011–2012.

Stella Bugbee, editor: I think it was in that weird movie Skeleton Twins where he and Kristen Wiig play twins. Please tell me you also saw it. Specifically that lip-syncing scene. Gotta love a man who can lip sync.

AD: This scene is incredible. I’m swooning. If he was at a karaoke bar, I’d try to take him home.

SB: Can you just imagine doing sex with him and then lip syncing that after?

MA: Well NOW I CAN.

AD: I will be imagining it from now on.

MA: My crush on him has a similar vibe to when you would have a crush on your best friend’s slightly nerdy older brother.

AD: My first realization that Bill Hader was hot was in the now truly problematic movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? He had this scene where Jason Segel insults his wife and Hader’s like THAT IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, I WILL END YOU. I thought that was so hot for some reason. He was all meek and goofy until it was time to defend his wife.

MA: And that last scene in the Barry pilot. Damn.

SB: Yes! Okay, let’s talk about Barry. But wait, first. Is it weird that I would want Stefon to talk dirty to me? Am I revealing too much?

MA: Yes.

AD: I mean, yes.

SB: Oh.

AD: … ANYWAY.

SB: Wow. I feel … judged. But I also think Bill would understand. So.

AD: This is the beauty of Bill! Its like maybe you like his conventional, clean-cut side or maybe, like Stella, you just want to let the phreak out. Bill’s got you covered.

MA: He absolutely does voices in bed. I’d be fine with it.

SB: More than fine.

AD: Jesus, Stella.

MA: New York’s hottest club is: Revealing Your Kinks and Getting Them Shot Down.

SB: It has everything: Josh Tillman. A face cream made with human stem cells. Freakebana … Wait, that’s my office. Back to Bill.

MA: To be clear, he’s only “kind of hot” by Hollywood standards. In a normal office, he’d be like the hottest guy by far.

SB: This is like the time that Allison revealed she loved Rick Rubin.

AD: Licking Rick Rubin’s beard: my kink.

SB: Okay, AND I’M WEIRD?

MA: Stefon WITH a Rick Rubin beard. The Cut’s ultimate man.

SB: So, let’s talk about Barry, the alleged occasion for this important “chat.”

AD: Barry is the best Bill Hader has ever been, I say. It’s like a sizzler buffet of all of his best parts — a little dark, a little bumbling, a little prone to depression and introspection, a lotta offbeat.

SB: Maddie, you are the real expert, no? Tell us. Didn’t you recently go down a Hader rabbit hole?

MA: I did spend (conservatively) two hours the other night drinking wine and watching Bill Hader interviews (I’m fine!!).

SB: What did you learn?

MA: Well, first of all, he’s going to hate this conversation.

SB: I’m so sorry Bill. But we still think you’re totally kind of hot.

MA: I’m just really into funny, nerdy guys who seem like they might be kind of emotionally withholding and I feel like he really fits the BILL (Ugh sorry).

SB: See … I don’t see that withholding part …

AD: Me either. That’s what made him such a great romantic lead in Trainwreck — I sense a high-level emotional intelligence.

SB: He wrote and directed Barry, right? So he wrote a character for himself that was all about repression and the need for expression and he framed it all around acting and letting out the truth. DEEP.

AD: God I love this man so much.

MA: I just want to listen to Fresh Air with him.

SB: Maddie, that’s NSFW.

MA: Listening to NPR while making breakfast … and then maybe going to a farmers’ market, I don’t know!

SB: Go on …

AD: Maddie is basically writing erotica. I need a whole chapter dedicated to the different voices he does during sex.

SB: So … you’re coming around to the dark side, Allison?

AD: I can’t resist.

SB: Maddie, what voice would he make eating French toast?

MA: Thank you so much for asking. He would, obviously, start with a French accent. And then move on to like, an old-timey sports announcer voice to describe what I was doing: “She’s pouring the eggs now, Lou. Great form, great form.” And then do a snobby food critic voice when he took the first bite.

On that note, I’ll leave you with my favorite Bill Hader sketch: