Christian folk-hero and walking metaphor, Jesus Christ, would have been “well into the trance scene” if he were alive today, claim senior figures within the Vatican.

“He’d have loved it, he was always standing on top of mounts, hands in the air, delivering transcendental sermons to enraptured audiences, just like trance DJ’s Paul Van Dyk or Armin Van Buuren used to do,” claimed a Vatican spokesman. “I saw PVD at Homelands Vatican City and when he played Adagio For Strings I almost felt the presence of God but it turned out the pills I’d necked were mad trippy.”

“He’d have been a great trance DJ, knowing exactly when to lay on hands or deliver a stunning epiteth about love or something, like all trance songs do,” he continued. “The faux-spiritualism of trance and Catholicism go hand in hand, except trance is probably marginally more uplifting.”

“The fact he could turn water into wine also would have meant he’d have been great at a party,” continued the Vatican spokesman. “If he was around now he’d defo be able to turn paracetamol into ecstasy or his own hair into ket, it’s be amazing.”

“We can’t know the mind of God but we can, and regularly do, blindly guess at it and so in that spirit I’d like to state with 100% theological scrutiny that Christ would definitely be into trance – being as it is, vaguely uplifting and cloyingly sentimental, like Catholicism.”