I’m going to preface this with a note that there will be relatively regular “protected” posts on here for the next few months. They are completely irrelevant to the content of the blog and may be deleted in May. For more on why they’re here, see under “let’s talk names.”

I’ve been struggling for the last couple weeks to find the right words for this post and it’s not getting any easier, so here’s my attempt.

With the move back to Victoria and my return to college, I entered the world of manhood. There’s so much I want to talk about I don’t even know where to start or how to cover it all.

On my first day of class, I talked to the counselor on campus and told her I was changing my name and pronouns. Since I’d already attended the school 2.5 years (out of the last 5.5) previously, I knew a fair number of the instructors and had been registered under my legal (female) name. She was kind and understanding and without hesitation checked the rosters for me. Turns out that even though on my latest application to return to school I asked for my preferred name to be my new name, it was my legal name that printed on my class rosters. I was glad to be armed with this knowledge as it prepared me to talk with my three instructors before class. I approached each one and told them “I’m working on a legal name change” and they all just took it in stride and accepted that that was that. The only time one of them’s slipped up is when one of my instructors reprinted the roster and didn’t change my name on it, calling my legal name instead. I just didn’t answer and then made sure I was marked as present at the end of the class.

Oh, let’s talk names…

There’s several different systems that the college uses and they’re all linked. There’s the database that deals with registration, then the one that links to the instructors and the email system, there’s d2l (which I imagine a fair number of college students are familiar with, desire2learn is an online learning system that allows courses to have an online component or be entirely online), there’s the site that allows you to access your own personal information and change it (address, register for classes, pay fees, etc). These are all linked to the student loan system (national and provincial, two separate systems), the bursary system, SIN, the Blue Cross (who we get our health care benefits through) and through that, the provincial health care system.

deep breath

When I reapplied to the college, I put on the form my preferred name. I had thought that this would solve some problems and keep me from having to out myself on a regular basis. Or not… The “acceptance letter” that got mailed to me used my preferred name. This boded well in my mind. A week before class started, the personal information site told me it was still using my legal name. That was fine, made sense even, except preferred name didn’t exist anywhere on that site. On the first day of class, I found out that the teacher’s rosters would list me by my legal name. Fine, I could deal with that.

On the second day of class, we were told we had to use d2l. I logged in and noted my legal name. One of my classes requires us to post in the discussion board every week, for marks. I thought, surely, there’d be a way to change what name shows up when you post something. I found a section in settings for “Nickname,” perfect. I plugged my preferred name into that and hoped. The name on my profile page didn’t change. At that point, I talked to my instructor (who I’d already told about my name change). When we were alone in the computer lab, we ran a test and I posted on the discussion board. My legal name showed up. He promptly deleted the post and looked at me with some element of concern. I had a sinking fear that I was going to lose 5% of my mark in his class for not participating in the online discussion. He initiated discussion with the techs who run d2l for the college and we hoped it would be solved quickly. It wasn’t. Three weeks in, and we don’t even have an answer of if it’s possible to change the name showing on d2l even if my name had legally been changed. At that point I was told to set up a system to easily present the “discussions” not on the official discussion board. Hello wordpress… (As a note, as at the top of this post, this is the reason why there are protected blog posts now. Feel free to ignore them. They’re not relevant to the subject of the blog and I’m not going to give out the password to them. If you’re reading this, hi Lee!) Maybe he’ll find a solution in the next couple weeks and I can use d2l again… more likely not…

Then there’s the old faces..

The teachers I used to know, the staff members I worked with (and for!), and even the odd student I had classes with (not so many though, it’s been 2 years since I’ve been in class). I’ve talked to almost everyone who’s still on campus from when I was last here. With the odd exception, I haven’t told the instructors I had before. Most of the staff members, I’ve avoided saying anything to. The old classmates… well… I’ve taken a couple of them aside and told them, the others I haven’t had a chance to do that with yet, but it will happen. Eventually they’ll all know.

The worst moment (so far) was in one of my classes. We grouped up and one of the girls in my group called my legal name. I didn’t respond to it and immediately after initiated introductions around the group and made a point to get her name again and tell her my preferred name. After class, I took her aside and told her. Apparently we had a class together in our first year (4 years ago) and she remembered me. I feel bad that I don’t remember her.

This part’s not so bad, but it keeps me on edge, wondering who’s going to notice me next and remember me from before. I keep wondering who’s going to shout my old name across campus.

I have to PEE!

Up to now, I’d managed to avoid using the men’s room when presenting as a man (or even the restroom while out in public for the most part for the last 10+ years). With classes that keep me at the college most (if not all) of the day, avoiding the restroom is just an impossibility. I did it though! I held on and made up my mind. In the evening, when there’s hardly anyone in class/at the college, and when class was in session, I popped into the men’s room. (OMG! I never realized that the internet stereotype was so right! Disgusting!) Overall, not a bad experience. I’ve used it twice since then, both during more high-traffic times of the day. I’m still nervous about it, but that doesn’t mean I won’t go.

You wanna hang out sometime?

Apparently, with confidence comes friendship. In the last three weeks, I’ve developed some kind of amazing social life. I’ve been to a college party (something I’ve never done before). I’ve been invited to hang out at someone’s house for a social gathering. I’ve had people add me on Facebook. I’ve added people on Facebook. Two big points here…

Facebook

I’m not out to my entire family yet, but they’re all on Facebook. For the last 9 years or so, I’ve used Nathan, my preferred name, for online things. I’ve passed it off to my family as an artist’s pseudonym. They know I use it and are totally fine with it. I even have it on Facebook (legalname preferredname lastname). What they don’t know is that putting it on Facebook is my making them get used to seeing it associated with me. Because Facebook uses my legal name still, I was wavering back and forth on whether or not to add new friends, who knew the male version of me only, as Facebook friends, because I didn’t really want to be publicly out as trans. When the time came to add a friend though, I just did it. If they care in a bad way, then they’re not good to have as friends anyway, right?

New Friends

I managed to find a guy in my local area who’s trans, so I messaged him. We met up for dinner one night and talked and talked and talked. He invited me to a brunch with a bunch of local trans guys. I went and we talked and talked and talked. It is so amazingly liberating to talk to people who have been through what you’re going through, who understand where you’re at, even when you’re not talking about what you’re going through.

The next mountain to climb…

…is finding a job. I need to find something, part time, to fill my time and to cover the gaps that my student loan doesn’t cover. (Also, with a job, I get my cat back.) I don’t want a job where I have to present myself as female. I’m done with that part of me, so completely done. I changed my name on LinkedIN to Nathan (previously it was legalname “preferredname” lastname). I’ve been working up the courage to change my name on my actual resumes and start actually sending them out. Today marks a month of procrastination (since the first time I looked for jobs available in the area and didn’t apply for any). I would love to find a family to work for part time, but I’m afraid I won’t find a match, or that things would be uncomfortable and awkward, or that the same thing as last time (“you have to be a girl”) will happen again.

Of course, I’ll never find a job if I don’t apply, so I just need to buckle down and do it.

I’ve long since given up on short blogs, but maybe they’d be shorter if I addressed each topic in separate blogs instead of trying to get it all out at once. Maybe given time and practice, I’ll find a nice balance.

(If you have advice or questions, post them in the comments section below. I’d love some conversation to get started here.)