“Our greatest glory is not in falling, but rising every time we fall.” – Rocky Balboa

Funny thing how a fictional character such as Rocky has helped me through some of my toughest and darkest times. He never let the odds define him and in the end he always beat them. Very few of you out there could hear his iconic theme song “Gonna fly now” and not feel at least somewhat motivated.

It’s been a while since my last update. It has now been six months since my stroke, four month’s since my last blog update. I’ve been super busy working many hours at dispatch and trying to finish up home projects. My physical deficits have healed as much as they probably will at this point. I have full dexterity in my fingers/hand while my facial deficits, I would say, are at about 90% of what they used to be. But that’s not to say I won’t make a 100% recovery as I’m bound and determined to at least try.

In fact I’ve made a return to jiu jitsu. I try to attend class at least three times a week and am being cautious still. While jiu jitsu did not directly cause the stroke, I believe it did play a significant role and I’ll explain that later. But it feels great to get back on the mats and be with my team. And I cannot thank them enough at Island Jiu Jitsu Michigan, their support throughout all of this has been phenomenal. And that thanks extends to HQ in Hawaii too as I have had a couple reach out to me privately and provide words of encouragement.

But with the good also comes the bad. And I wouldn’t even call it bad really, more like very frustrating. As I begin to feel more like myself, I’ve found it frustrating that I have been held out from firefighting for a year. I completely understand the reasoning but it it completely against my nature to sit there at home when I can see a column of smoke from a garage fire a mile from my house. But I have to endure. I’ve coped with this by teaching in the local Fire Academy, attending in house training with my department, and just stopping by for visits to the stations. I even earned my certification as a Safety Officer in the fire service. My fire family has also been a huge support during all of this. Some have stopped by the house or sent a message just to see how I’m doing. One of them even plowed my driveway for me during the winter so I didn’t have to exert myself, thanks Zach! You were a huge help! I’ll be back on duty and running call before to long, just about 5 months to go but it feels like an eternity.

Speaking of education, I have decided to return to school this fall to finally finish my degree. I have been accepted to Siena Heights University to complete my Bachelor’s in Public Safety Studies with a minor in Public Safety Administration. The best parts is that it is completely online and I only have 31 credits to take. They took all of my previous schooling and work experience as credit. I should be completed around this time next year. Thanks Mark S (another fellow firefighter) for pointing me in this direction! And on top of that I am going to be taking an online course to become an EMS Instructor Coordinator, something I have wanted to do for a long time. It will be busy but a good busy.

Then there is the hardest struggle of this all. The part that people do not see. The chronic fatigue. And in this world unless there is physical proof, it just doesn’t exist to some. I’ve had a few say “Well you look just fine.” “I thought you were healed.” or “You aren’t feeling better yet?”

Believe me, I wish I had the answers to those questions. I have days where I feel great and days where I feel older than I am. Even a minor stroke takes the winds completely out of your sails. And then the doctor says “Avoid stress and anxiety.” Easier said than done sir, have you seen what I do for a living? And now I’m tired 24/7? Something just wasn’t right. Laying down for 8-10 hours and my Fitbit (which is pretty accurate) is only telling me I’ve slept barely five and half hours? It was time to see the doctor to get a referral for a sleep study.

So I visited the sleep doctor in May and I explained to her how I would lay down for bed around 10pm and get up at 6am for work feeling exhausted. That I had no trouble falling asleep but rather staying asleep She even accepted the results of my Fitbit sleep patterns, which I didn’t think she would. So an in lab sleep study was ordered. It was an interesting procedure to say the least. I was hooked up to dozens of wires and instruments before spending the night in Grand Rapids. It was a rough and uncomfortable night but by this time I was used to this feeling.

Three weeks later I get the call I had been looking for. And to be honest I was expecting “Your tests results yielded nothing unusual” or something along those lines, just like every other test had shown up to this point. Instead the nurse tells me I’ve been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea and would require a CPAP. My oxygen levels were dipping down into the 80s percentage wise. This caused me to “wake up” a total of 101 times from about 10:45pm to 5:30am; most of them I do not remember. Even then the nurse and doctor both told me it affects the quality of sleep horribly. So now I am waiting to be fit for a mask and am rather anxious about this new change but I have to try. It’s the only concrete diagnosis I’ve had in the last half of year.

So of course the Google doctor in me immediately researches the relationship between sleep apnea and strokes. Turns out there is a significant relationship between the two. Sleep apnea does not directly cause strokes but rather causes things that in turn will cause a stroke. The most common explanation seemed to be the lack of oxygen while sleeping stresses the body out and raises blood pressure. High blood pressure is the leading cause of stroke in the US. So I looked at my Fitbit results from the weeks leading up to my stroke and I saw I was actually sleeping worse than after I had it.

I will never have an exact explanation for what happened to me but I am now finding closure a scenario that I’ve come up with. I believe that I’ve had sleep apnea for quite some time and did not know it. It’s not a secret that I’m an anxious and stressed out person. Couple that with the unknown stress my body was experiencing while sleeping, it is highly likely I was experiencing bouts of high blood pressure. Just enough to create a blood clot that would end up causing the damage. Now I previously stated I experienced a visual disturbance days before the stroke, so that clot may have been present for a while without me knowing it. That is a scary thought there. Then the following Monday I experienced a pressure choke in jiu jitsu that was just enough raise my blood pressure to pop that clot free and well, if you’ve been following, you know the rest. Is this truly what happened? I don’t know but it’s the best thing I can think of and I find myself lucky to have come out of this relatively unscathed.

I’d like to thank everyone again for all of the support and love you have showed as I adapt to the new normal. Don’t be shy, I’ll talk to you soon!