One of Auburn’s fabled Toomer’s Oaks says it would rather die than continue to be covered in toilet paper for no good reason.

It appears Auburn will have to once again replace one of their beloved trees. The search for a new tree will be extensive with most experts saying they will probably need to look at up to four backyards before they find a suitable replacement.

“I really liked that tree in Jerry’s backyard, but it’s got some baby birds in it” said the head of the Auburn tree search committee.

Horticulturists were stumped (PUN INTENDED) as to why one of Auburn’s famed arboreal mascots would be dying, until they found the note…

READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED, YOUNG CHILDREN AND SAPLINGS MAY FIND THE FOLLOWING DISTURBING.

Dear Auburn fans, I just can’t do this anymore. I tried to be what you wanted me to be, but I think you’ll be happier when I’m gone. What’s with the throwing toilet paper on me? I don’t come to your house and throw the dead remains of your species on you. Those violent threats took a toll I guess. I guess I should count myself lucky that I didn’t have to put up with much toilet paper throwing this year. Yes, I know about your swimming and diving team. Stop talking about that, it’s sad. Even I find swimming and diving boring and I’m a damn tree. Why not wait until you beat Alabama in a major sport? Though, I realize that taking that stance would mean you wouldn’t have gotten to drape my dead kin all over me at all this year. I wanted to live in a forest and have a silly little bear and his pig friend live in me… instead I got a KA banging a drunk DZ and yelling “WAR EAGLE!” I just can’t do this anymore, I have decided I’d rather not live at all than live with you. Tree

The death of a tree is taken especially hard at Auburn where most of the population are practitioners of the Wiccan religion. If you’re not familiar with the Wiccan religion it involves praying at trees and talking about being a witch on Tumblr.

ANIMATED REPRESENTATION OF THE BIRTH OF THE ORIGINAL TOOMER’S OAKS:

The current Toomer’s Oaks are of course replacements themselves, the originals having been poisoned by an ecoterrorist posing as a Bama fan. (I don’t subscribe to the government’s false flag version of events including one Harvey Updyke. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!)

This article is of course a joke. The Toomer’s Oak didn’t die because it didn’t want to live in Auburn anymore; it died because Auburn is a desolate place that chokes out all life and growth.

“Auburn is beyond help.” – The Lorax