1. THE “GOD DON’T LIKE UGLY; HE LOVES IT” PLAN

Michigan State

Stanford

Alabama

NC State

A plausible scenario, actually. Michigan State winning out against the rest of their schedule with 13-9 games would be weird, but not the weirdest thing Michigan State has ever done. Alabama is easy to put in; NC State is less simple and way less likely (see the entire “Swinney Debacle Scenario”), but still possible. Stanford needs the Big 12 to hand out some round-robin losses, but can knock out Notre Dame itself on Nov. 25.

The over for all of these games would be somewhere around 45 points total. Ratings would fall among every key demographic except the elderly, who would send ESPN/ABC tender AOL and Hotmail notes from their iPads about how finally, someone put football teams that play at sensible paces back on top of college football.

2. THE COACHES ARE FIGHTING

Notre Dame

Penn State

TCU

Oklahoma State

OH MY, THE COACHES ARE FIGHT-Y. JAMES FRANKLIN HAS HIS CHEST PUFFED OUT AND IS CHARGING THE FIELD BECAUSE YOU MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM! JAMES FRANKLIN, LIKE A WOLF OR A GUY DRIVING AN F-150 WITH A LIFT KIT, INTERPRETS EVERY EYE CONTACT AS A DIRECT CHALLENGE! THE FIRST RULE OF DEALING WITH JAMES FRANKLIN IS NEVER MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH HIM! NOW YOU MUST FIGHT!

GARY PATTERSON IS BEATING YOU WITH HIS WOODEN LEG! HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A WOODEN LEG! GOD KNOWS WHERE HE GOT THAT, OR WHO FROM!

BRIAN KELLY IS BRIAN KELLY!

WHERE’S GUND—

HELLO, BOYS. LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT ENTIRELY TOO MANY TROUBLEMAKERS HERE. TOO MANY 40-YEAR-OLD ADOLESCENTS, FELONS, POWERDRINKERS, AND TRUSTEES OF MODERN CHEMISTRY!

3. THE SWINNEY DEBACLE PROTOCOL

Alabama

Ohio State

NC State

Georgia

Engineered specifically for maximum Clemson fury.

It includes the team Clemson beat to win a national title last year; a division foe who’d have to get here directly through Clemson; a team Clemson blanked last year in the Playoff; and an on-again, off-again rival on the field/perennial recruiting opponent.

There are some serious rivers to cross to get here. Georgia would have to win out, then somehow beat an undefeated Alabama in the SEC Championship Game. This assumes Alabama wins the rest of their games, which is maybe the most comfortable assumption of all.

It would help if that Georgia victory looked fluky or was very close. Alabama as a one-loss team would need help to get in the Playoff, and by help, I mean teams dropping games left and right.

The Wolfpack would have to win their matchup over Clemson, sweep the rest of their schedule, and win the ACC Championship. To give you an idea of how rare this is, they haven’t won the ACC in the sport of football since 1979, and the last time NC State finished with just one loss was 1957.*

*Note: Even in that year, the Wolfpack put up two ties. If ties still existed, Arkansas would have zillions of them, but Michigan State, NC State, and South Carolina might actively try for them.

Ohio State is the most reasonable piece here. Now that Michigan’s offense has entered some kind of extended rehab/scrimmage period, Penn State is their most challenging game remaining, and that’s a home game for the Buckeyes.

4. THE ADDERALL SPECIAL

Oklahoma State

Ohio State

Washington State

USF

If you cross-index “total offensive plays” and rankings, this is basically the foursome you get. (USC is up there, but has played fewer games.)

In order to get this Playoff, the most sluggish of conferences by pace — the SEC — needs to implode and fall out of the national title race. You’d also need Wazzu to recover and finish strong (nahhhh), Notre Dame to drop another game (not impossible), and for the ACC champion to finish with two losses (also not impossible.) A scenario that depends on consistency from Washington State is probably one that’s already dead, but it’s not completely insane.*

*It is, however, 99.99999999 percent insane.

Oklahoma State and Ohio State don’t need outside help to make this happen.

South Florida needs to finish undefeated, keep Quinton Flowers injury-free, and hope that in a field of badly dented candidates, the shiny and ding-free budget model from the American is the best possible pick for a four-spot.

I just turned USF into a well-maintained rental car bought at auction, and I am sorry for that.

5. PULL OVER, THAT PASS TOO FAT

Washington State

Memphis

Ohio State

Virginia

Every game in this setup would be seven hours long. It would be bad, but there would be so much of it.

Part of the reason this exists is to create one, just one, scenario where the Memphis Tigers steal a bite of that sweet, sweet Playoff money.

Did you know Virginia was winging the ball around like a Big 12 team this year, or that the tatted-up quarterback doing it was named after his cool uncle who showed off his knife collection while babysitting? You probably did not. By the way, don’t read more about that uncle if you don’t want to hear the very sad ending to that extremely cool uncle’s life!

Also, Ohio State’s been passing the ball really well (and 37 times a game so far), especially for a team that couldn’t throw a ball in a lake successfully last year.

6. TRIUMPH OF THE GEEKS

Notre Dame

Virginia

Stanford

Oklahoma State

In every other scenario, Notre Dame doesn’t need much help to get in, really. Win out, and then rely on the grabby little hands of the Playoff committee to snatch Notre Dame up for the sake of television ratings. They’re a good team, have a loss they can apologize for adequately, and will have a presentable schedule.

But! If we want to put Stanford in, then we’re talking about a bit more engineering. The Cardinal have two losses already and need to beat Notre Dame, a team that can’t afford a second loss.

So, we’re going to need some disasters to happen elsewhere. We’re going to need Alabama to win the SEC, but take two losses and look awful beating the East team. That would mean dropping the LSU and Auburn games, and then playing what could only be described as a 60-minute atrocity in Atlanta so unwatchable the rest of the country recoils from the idea of watching the Tide play another game.

Kentucky can speed this along by being the team that beats Georgia and wins the East (but loses to Louisville), because no one on the committee could really accept a Playoff team losing to Kentucky. That’s not fair, but say it out loud and know how right this is.

This also assumes everyone in the Big Ten ends up with two losses and that the committee kind of forgets Notre Dame isn’t a Big Ten team. Stop acting like that totally doesn’t happen already.

Keep rolling with this stupidity by assuming a miracle of a season at UVA. Yes, this would mean former SEC East champion Indiana would have a transitive win over the entire ACC. Why do you flinch and shudder when I say that?

Oklahoma State is in the Triumph of the Geeks scenario because I a.) couldn’t really find another super smart team to put in, and b.) petrochemical engineering and veterinary medicine are really hard. Expand your narrow definition of geekery and put these boots on, y’all. They’re comfy, and in Stillwater, you can wear them with shorts and formal wear.

7. WHAT

Kentucky

Virginia

Utah

UCF

Forget you saw this. Speaking it into existence is a crime.

8. ANAEROBIC FOOTBALL (LIVES WITHOUT AIR, YOU SEE)

Georgia

Wisconsin

Alabama

Notre Dame

If you believe the forward pass represented a moment when our culture took a wrong turn straight to Helltown, this is your desired setup.

It may be a surprise to see Notre Dame here, but the Irish really have gotten this far in life without having to pass. In fact, they keep the ball on the ground about as often as the gold standard for water buffalo offense, Wisconsin.

We’d all be watching at least the first 15 minutes of a 30 for 30, because all of these games would finish in under three hours, and airtime ain’t gonna fill itself.

9. RATINGS DISASTER

Stanford

San Diego State

Virginia

UCF

Ideally, for maximum disaster, this comes down to a Stanford-SDSU rematch. In the event of this disaster: Consult the following footage to determine which side of the American cultural divide you land on, and root accordingly.