Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

Me in my skin. Not bad for a woman in her 60s or something, right?

There’s been some discussion on the internet this week about whether women care too much about beauty in general and skincare in particular, and while I hesitate to even dignify this very dumb and tired argument with a response, I have a few thoughts. I feel about this the way I do about most criticism of female vanity: the problem isn’t that women care too much about their skin — it’s that men don’t care enough about their appearance. This is why I hate the #nomakeup movement. The solution isn’t for women to stop wearing makeup — it’s for men to start wearing makeup. It’s simple: women are pretty. Men are gross. So why should we sink down to their level of attractiveness? Instead we should make them rise up to our level for once. That may sound harsh, but all I’m saying is most men could stand to moisturize and dab on a little mascara once in a while, two things I, by the way, will never stop doing GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME.

Anyway.

Once in a while, people tell me I have great skin (thanks, people!). Sometimes these people don’t even know that I’m…well…not in my…20s (I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which decade of life I’m currently creeping toward the middle of). Like most celebrities, I attribute my good skin (your words, not mine! Maybe!) to great genes (my grandma is in her 90s and still has great skin and an even better sense of humor), my habit of wearing sunscreen every day (even when I’m inside and it’s raining because I don’t know how far UV rays can penetrate!), the fact that I’ve never smoked (except for the four months I studied abroad in college, which was my duty as a small town girl going wild in Europe, as was getting a tattoo of a seashell on my ass), and my devotion to drinking almost as much water as Jennifer Aniston (tap — I can’t afford Smartwater).

Unlike most celebrities, I admit that products also help. As I’ve previously discussed in this space, I try to use all-natural, mostly organic beauty products, which is why I was thrilled when I found out about Deciem last year. It’s a Toronto-based brand with several different lines, all of which are high-quality and, miraculously, affordable. While not exactly organic (when it comes to skincare, some chemicals are good!), the idea behind the brand is to sell products so pure they don’t have to be priced up much from the raw material. And since pure is what I’m into, when I discovered Deciem, I lost my fucking shit.

If you’ve ever gone into Sephora and looked at a tiny little $200 pot of face cream lustfully before remembering you can barely afford Olay, Deciem is for you! I have several different products, mostly serums, and they’re all great, but the best and most exciting by far is this motherfucker right here:

Retinol is a powerful anti-aging compound and it’s usually very expensive. This serum, however, is $9.60 and it lasts months and months and months! I’ve been using it for about a year and I’m only on my second bottle, and while it’s hard to say it’s prevented me from aging, I certainly haven’t noticed any new signs of age on my face since I started using it (if you have DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING TELL ME). I have, however, noticed that it makes blemishes fade faster, and that alone is worth the shockingly reasonable price.

I also love this Vitamin C Suspension (what a fancy term!). It goes on a little greasy so I don’t use it much in the summer, but this time of year I often put it on after this Hyaluronic Acid serum for a super-moisturizing combo. That Hyaluronic serum, by the way, is fucking incredible. It’s weightless hydration — like Jennifer Aniston herself!

Everything I’ve mentioned so far is from The Ordinary, Deciem’s most popular brand. I’ve also investigated their Hylamide line. Unlike The Ordinary, which isolates ingredients, this line mixes them together to create powerful cocktails guaranteed to sooth your skin and fight wrinkles. I’m devoted to their subq eye serum, which is a little pricier than the products I mentioned above but still very reasonable. One little vial will last you several months, maybe even a year, and is guaranteed to keep your crow’s feet at bay! Does it work? How the fuck should I know? Again, I don’t have much concrete proof (yet!) of its anti-aging abilities, but it’s so moisturizing I don’t need to use eye cream over it, and that says a lot.

Judge me, bitch

I haven’t tested out all of Deciem’s lines, but I’ve used The Chemistry’s ha3 hand hydrator and it’s predictably great. All of which to say: everything I’ve tried from Deciem has been wonderful, and I’ll keep buying all of it for a long time, and I’ll keep looking great for a woman in her mid-50s, hopefully! I encourage all five of my readers to try as many Deciem products as possible and let me know what you think!

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am in fact not even sure anyone actually thinks I have good skin (maybe they were just saying it to be nice!). Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, skincare-related or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!