The Caligonian Wall: Trump’s plan to wall off the land of fruits, nuts, and Antifascism

The Trump Administration is planning to build a wall around California and Oregon, according to a White House insider who wishes to remain anonymous even to our own reporters.

This shocking revelation follows on the heels of Donald Trump’s announcement that New Mexico will not, as originally planned, fall on the American side of the border wall.

According to our source, the current White House occupant has repeatedly voiced disgust at the medieval diseases making a comeback among California’s rising homeless population — demonstrating his hatred not only for persyns of homeless, but towards the undocumented citizens who have been conveying many of these diverse diseases into our fair cities of sanctuary.

He has further expressed his concern over the significant threat Oregon’s Antifascist freedom fighters pose to his illegitimate presidency.

Trump is terrified of Antifa. He’s been known to wake up in the middle of the night wailing about soyface and skinny little arms hurling milkshakes his way. He won’t go back down until Secret Service runs a security check and Melania reads him his favorite passage from Mein Kampf. Anonymous White House whistleblower

The Caligonian Wall will be guarded by xenophobic drones and giant killer robots that have been programmed to use lethal force, up to and including the genocide of any nearby minority communities. Our source said Trump had previously entertained the idea of placing an electric fence between the wall and its surrounding moat, but that the plan had ultimately been discarded for fear the trained alligators might venture out in search of more brown people to eat and end up getting electrocuted.

To negate the impact the loss of three states would have on the American flag, Trump is planning to partition Oklahoma (the reddest state in the union) into four different states, resulting in a Republican gain of six senate seats and at least as many electoral votes.

We’ll keep you posted on further developments.