Maybe it’s for the best that the McRib comes and goes like a Freebird. The organ-smuggling community is a close-knit one, and there’s only so many times this scam can be pulled before you start getting bad reviews on whatever is the organ-smuggling equivalent of Yelp.

It’s not that I have anything against Arnold, per se, but, I mean, what would we talk about? “Sure, Terminator 3 was a good idea! Jingle All The Way is a comedy masterpiece! Sure, if I lived in California I would have voted for you!” Plus, you know he’d be incessantly quoting his own movies, and there’s only so many times you can politely chuckle at “Allow me to break the ice.”

Statham, though, there’s a guy I could hang with. Make no mistake, his very existence makes me acutely aware of what a flabby, slow-moving man of inaction I am, but I bet he’d have lots of great stories about filming the oil barrel scene from The Transporter, and I bet deep down he agrees with me that Chuck Norris is kind of a twat. My Van Helsing cortex may not be as developed as Mowrer’s, and he may not share my conviction that we’re due for a Howard The Duck renaissance. But a new Statham? We’re there on opening night.

Still, Christian may be making the wisest investment here. In the immortal words of Bixby Snyder, I’d buy that for a dollar.

Have you donated to Megafoot yet? No? Then maybe this nudity-filled animatic will inspire you!