Hey, guys! So… sex! Pretty great, right? Feels good. Increases feelings of closeness and intimacy with your partner. Relieves stress. Probably lengthens your lifespan, too, unless you’re into something super kinky. Yup, intercourse is one of the few enjoyable miracles of being alive that we get to experience in this dark, lonely existence as inconsequential pinpricks amidst a vast and uncaring cosmos.

Too bad I’ll never be doing it again. Not now that I’ve learned this Japanese “Breakup Prevention Kit,” complete with discreet condom hole-poker, exists anyway.

The dekichatta-kon setto – or, loosely translated, the “‘Oops! I’m pregnant. Might as well get married!’ kit” – may sport cutesy, gag gift-esque graphics of an over-excited anime girl discreetly poking a hole in the condom of a comically oblivious anime boyfriend, but even so this is a product that – should the user be the right blend of desperate and unhinged – does exactly what it says on the label.

In fact, the anime artwork is the result of a recent packaging overhaul of the product, which we presume previously featured a Stephen Gammell rendition of a sinister-looking pregnant woman, triumphantly standing over a visibly distraught man, prone and weeping while writing a furious email to the people at Durex.

Not only does the dekichatta-kon setto come with the aforementioned condom hole-poker, but it also contains several other backup measures for the perfectionist crazy girlfriend: there’s an additional pre-poked condom in deceptively authentic-looking packaging, a syringe for collecting discarded puddles of you-know-what, and a vial for depositing said discards.

Gag gift though this may be, dekichatta kekkon (“shotgun marriage,” or a marriage resulting from accidental pregnancy) is a term that is heard surprisingly often in Japan. This is, after all, a country whose people still occasionally practice prearranged marriages and where obligation plays a huge role in determining whether two people tie the knot. So, while some of us in the west might chuckle nervously at a product like the one above, men in Japan are more likely to build a blanket fort in their bedroom and refuse to answer the phone for a week after finding one at their girlfriend’s place.

The kit appears to only be on sale in a single bookstore in Tokyo, so the odds of crossing paths with a person both in possession of one and crazy enough to actually use it are probably pretty small. Even so I’m making an appointment for a vasectomy just in case.

Source: Kai-you

Feature image: Twitter