It’s not fun, I can tell you that. It’s like a dark cloud always hovering above you. The media and the lives we live today are also constantly reminding us how important sex is, through movies, music, books and magazines. I resent vaginismus for taking away a part of me that I deserve to have. It’s something that every normal person can do, yet I’m left behind in the shadows.

Every time I watch a romantic movie, I become sad and tear up, yet can’t stop watching it because it fills a void inside of me. I get sad when girlfriends talk about sex and their love life because I envy them and wish I could enjoy the same thing with my fiance… like a normal person. I’m so happy for them and wish I could enjoy the girl talk like a normal friend, but afterwards, I go home and cry because I realize I’m losing some of the best years of my life with my own man.

I often feel abnormal, even though no one around me knows I have this problem. I worry that it will never go away and that I’ll be stuck with this “curse” that past boys have told me I have. I have even recently turned to eating more because it’s the only way I can get dopamine.

I also remember one day, years ago, when my mom had taped a recording of the Doctor Oz show because they were going to be talking about vaginismus. My mom had not seen it yet and was excited to watch it with me. However, when the doctor brought up the condition, everyone in the audience laughed, even the doctor. He said, “Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous and made up.” I was heartbroken and disgusted. I turned it off immediately. Basically, he confirmed that I was abnormal in the public’s eyes.

Even with a wonderful man by my side, there are many days that I curl up in bed and cry, unable to go outside for a whole day. I sometimes walk around like a zombie and wish I could take an easy way out of all of this misery. Yet I know, deep down, that I would never do it.

Luckily, I found this video, taken by a girl who has vaginismus, and I cried the whole time because I could relate to everything. If you are having a tough time, or feel alone with this problem, watch this video and know that you are not alone.

I know I have a lot to say about how vaginismus makes me feel, and I’m sure you’ll hear more in future blogs, but for today it’s much easier for me to simply show you how it feels in video form. Enjoy.

A story of what it’s like to have vaginismus

Video courtesy of Lara and BuzzFeed