St. Louis, MO—

Radio show auteurs Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are reportedly feuding in a free-for-all arms race to see whose regular programming can become the most conspiratorial and delusional.

“Rush Limbaugh is a secret leftist communist from Cuba,” explained Sean Hannity on his radio show this morning. “Not a patriot at all. The guy smokes cigars all the time. Total pinko, worse than Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, and meanwhile, Roy Moore has been celibate his entire life. It’s a huge secret he’s kept from everyone all this time. Even his wife. But he told me. I’m that important to him. Those pedophile accusations can’t possibly be right because Roy personally assured me that he’s never had sex, ever. Not even with himself. What a man of God.”

This is an apparent response to an insult Rush Limbaugh delivered on his radio program yesterday afternoon.

“Sean Hannity’s dream is to be a pop culture icon, but it will never happen because of his ridiculous product placement obsession,” Limbaugh claimed. “The guy will take money from anyone for anything. He’ll hump any stupid culturally-conservative junk. And the boycott stuff—what a little snowflake. Where he encouraged people destroying their expensive Keurigs—who at Fox News is letting him embarrass the network on a daily basis by not telling him to shut up? Oh, by the way, I almost forgot to mention the little, birth-control-gulping hussies paid for by George Soros and Al Gore in Alabama, paid to distract us from Al Franken. They are accusing a conservative in Alabama of molesting them…” [He goes on for a long time. Limbaugh has a lot of resentment toward women showing strength or solidarity.]

Alex Jones wasn’t personally mentioned by the other two, but, sensing an opportunity to promote himself with ludicrously negative press coverage, spent his morning on the radio alleging that both Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh were actually secret liberals who had drunk the fluoride water and been touched by the black supremacist frogs and toads turned homosexual by Hillary Rodham Clinton.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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