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During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. "Why not go in quiet?" he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he's spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, "I didn't even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I'm invoking" and then adding, "It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me."

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Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee's son says, "The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!" But I don't think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the "sneak attack." Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee's son actually murdered a dog. And Trump's proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he's stopped apologizing for it.

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From what I can tell, the rest of Trump's military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can't use nuclear weapons if we have them. That's his understanding of modern warfare -- he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it's coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It's weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they're at least supposed to pretend human life has value.