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It's about six months away from the general election and nobody has a clue how it's going to turn out, just as in the last one.

Because for all David Cameron talks about the Coalition's mandate, the British public actually voted for the No Idea, You're All A Shower Of Rotters, Sort It Out Among Yourselves Party.

And this time round it's going to be even more difficult to call because we now have six big dogs in the fight, rather than the usual two Rottweilers and a couple of Bichon Frises yapping around irrelevantly.

The most likely outcome is another coalition, stitched together over a hellish few days.

And the most worrying outcome is a coalition of the Tories and Ukip . Imagine a government with David Cameron as Prime Minister – or even Boris Johnson if the Tories chuck Cameron out for failing to deliver a Tory majority again – and Nigel Farage as Deputy Prime Minister.

I don't understand why working class people would vote for Ukip, unless it is an intentional act of self-harm. I get that Ukip are promising to sort out immigration, and that immigration is a big issue in some areas.

You're wrong to be worried about immigration, by the way. It's not immigrants who are to blame – it's employers who won't pay decent wages, and exploit immigrants from poorer countries, who will work for less than you.

But voting for Ukip because you don't like immigration is like employing a tiger to sort out your mouse problem.

Ukip will drag us out of Europe, not necessarily because they hate Europeans – some of them are even married to Europeans – but because they don't like the regulations which come from Europe, the regulations which give us minimum paid annual leave, maternity leave, equal pay, and maximum working time.

(Image: REUTERS)

You want to go back to the fifties? Well, fine, but the fact is the fifties weren't actually all that great. They only felt great because people had come through a depression and then a world war during which another country was actually dropping bombs on us.

After all, if you've been held face down in sewage, when you're pulled out, it's going to feel like a vast improvement, even though you're soaked through and covered in sewage. And the only reason you could leave your back door open in those days was because you didn't have anything worth stealing, apart from your television, which was too heavy to steal.

And Ukip is full of – and run by – the sort of people who look at Cameron's Nasty Party and say, “Y'know what, you need to be nastier.” At the moment, whenever the Lib Dems exert any influence on the Tories – rare as that may be – it is to make Tory policies kinder.

Ukip will make Tory policy even more mean-spirited, cutting public spending, not because it will help lower the deficit, but because they believe in a low-tax, cut to the bone state, where people who need help can get lost.

The only thing right now standing between that bunch of swivel-eyed fanatics leading the slightly less swivel-eyed fanatics of the Tory party to the right-wing fringes and you is sandwich-spilling Ed Miliband.

I know. I feel it too. I am unconvinced at best, and horrified at worst, especially when Labour attempt to outflank Ukip on immigration.

But we have a useless electoral system - it's too late now, you had a chance to change it – and often the best you can do is choose the least worst option.

At the moment a decisive minority of Scots, egged on by the single-issue, double-faced SNP, are looking to give Labour a kicking for joining forces with the Tories to oppose independence.

(It is tempting to point out that a party which voted with Thatcher to bring down the Callaghan government, and allied itself with the Tories to pass budgets at Holyrood, is in no position to criticise Labour for joining an alliance of unionist parties during the independence referendum, but I am above that.)

And that means that if you are scared of a Tory-Ukip coalition government – and you should be – you can't count on the Scots to help you. There's no room for conscience-salving protest votes.

If you don't want to see David Cameron and Nigel Farage waving from the front door of Number 10 next spring, you only have one alternative: the man who can't eat a bacon butty.