The good, the bad and the comical – why Scottish football is worth watching The Scottish league season begins this weekend. But to many south of Berwick-upon-Tweed, Scottish football is an irrelevance. A pub […]

The Scottish league season begins this weekend.

But to many south of Berwick-upon-Tweed, Scottish football is an irrelevance.

A pub league. Where skill and talent go to wither and die. Players trying to run around on a diet of Tunnocks Teacakes and Yazoo, Irn-Bru and deep-fried Mars Bars.

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Former Rangers player Joey Barton articulated this attitude, when, shortly after joining Rangers last year, he said:

“It’s difficult when I’m playing at a level which, clearly, I’ve not played at before. It’s a much lower level and I’m trying to help people get to a higher level.”

Indeed, it doesn’t have the glitz and glamour of the Champions League, the aesthetics of La Liga, the slick, corporate coverage of the Premier League.

It has so much more.

Taking Barton’s short-lived and shambolic spell at Ibrox as a snapshot:

Nutmegged on his league debut

Scythed in two by an eager teenage left-back

Picked the ball out the Rangers net in a 5-1 defeat to Celtic

Suspended by his club after a training ground argument with a team-mate

Contract terminated after six months and eight appearances

Barton came with great pronouncements about his talent and the standard of Scottish football. He left as a joke figure.

And that, in essence, is Scottish football’s most lucrative selling point. The jokes.

If football in England is ‘House of Cards’, Scotland is ‘The Thick of It’. An ever-evolving plot, a revolving cast of jokers, shysters and oddballs.

Scottish football likes to think it is serious business, but continues to make a mockery of that assertion. And it’s all the better for it.

The Betfred Cup group stages concluded last weekend, a pre-cursor to the start of the new season. It whetted the appetite for another season of shenanigans.

Case in point: (Arguably) Scotland’s third biggest club finished third in a five-team group, containing three part-time teams, and were made to partake in a penalty shoot-out (for an extra point) which had no bearing on the group, in front of a mutinous crowd. They missed three penalties, all over the bar.

Delight for Dunfermline ???? Disappointment for Hearts ☹️ A disastrous start to the season for the hosts as boos ring out around Tynecastle. pic.twitter.com/cGfszlqMoq — Football on BT Sport (@btsportfootball) July 29, 2017

Unsurprisingly, the manager lost his job five days before the league campaign gets underway.

There is a groundswell for Scotland’s game to better itself, to rid itself of these quirks, to be more attractive, to be more like England.

But it is so very different to the English product. It’s unique, it’s primitive, it’s rough around the edges. It’s enthralling. Off the park and on it.

This season Celtic will win the league. In the same way Juventus will win Serie A, Bayern Munich the Bundesliga and PSG Ligue 1.

But can they become double-invincibles?

Every other Premiership team will be gunning for them. Celtic and Brendan Rodgers have upped the ante, making opponents think and innovate. Or more realistically, stick 11 men behind the ball, hoping to nick a fluke win.

Five familiar names Brendan Rodgers – Celtic manager After agonisingly missing out on the Premier League title with Liverpool, the Northern Irishman’s stock fell and he was oft-derided for his mannerisms and “philosophy”. But he has found a club who have welcomed him with open arms. Bruno Alves – Rangers defender The experienced Portuguese centre-back has found his way to Ibrox to replace Clint Hill. The European Championship winner will be relied upon to marshal the previously shaky Rangers defence. Nicky Maynard – Aberdeen striker Between 2008 and 2012 Maynard moved three times for a total of more than £7 million. He is one of the 32 strikers West Ham have signed since 2010. He has scored 17 goals in the last five seasons. Aaron Hughes – Hearts defender The veteran centre-back is still going strong at the age of 37. Respected at both Newcastle United and Aston Villa, he has had a tough time so far in Edinburgh. Gaël Bigirimana – Motherwell Once heralded as an exciting prospect when Newcastle plucked him from Coventry City. He now finds him south in the claret and amber of the Well. He has impressed so far and is on his way to becoming a cult hero.

Below the rather unexciting title “race”, there are talking points and narratives a plenty.

Rangers have spent millions to attempt to move from the third best team in the league to the second best. Yet they still look, on paper at least, the third best team in the division.

Ibrox manager Pedro Caixinha has already had to confront angry fans while standing in a bush after his side were knocked out of Europe, by a side from Luxembourg.

All this will give Aberdeen boss Derek McInnes great pleasure, having been told by Caixinha that his side’s successful cycle was coming to an end. Those words were uttered towards the end of last season, prior to Aberdeen’s first win at Ibrox since 1991.

There will be a first top-flight Edinburgh derby since 2014. A derby which will no doubt live up to the Scottish football stereotype. Expect “full-blooded” challenges over tiki-taka passing.

Five players to watch John McGinn – Hibernian The powerful midfielder has a wide range of qualities. He has a varied passing range and is a fine dribbler. But fans are still waiting for him to become a consistently dominating presence. Kieran Tierney – Celtic If Scotland could enter a tournament which only allows left-backs, they’d win. Andy Robertson has been signed by Liverpool, who were also looking at the Celtic left-back. Tierney is the best talent Scotland has produced this century. Greg Taylor – Kilmarnock Another left-back. He of ‘the tackle’ on Joey Barton. A precocious and combative full-back who possesses a mean cross. Joe Lewis – Aberdeen So highly-thought of in England, he was invited to train with the England national team while at Peterborough United. He’s the best goalkeeper in the league. Steven MacLean – St Johnstone He is not young. He is not a 20-goal striker. But he is intelligent in his play and is the grumpiest player in the league. He’ll annoy opponents and celebrate goals aggressively. So much so he claimed he was giving an ‘up ye’ to his own father.

Then there are progressive clubs like St Johnstone – Scotland’s answer to Atletico Madrid – and Partick Thistle, moving forward under interesting, talented managers.

Ross County, Motherwell, Kilmarnock and Dundee will all be looking to break into the top six, while simultaneously avoiding the relegation or relegation play-off spot. The latter three have talented young Scots who will interest teams in England looking to recruit cheaply.

Then there is Hamilton Academical. Their ground has two stands, a gazebo, a double-decker bus and a Morrisons supermarket.

They average less than 2,500 fans, due in part to their location, and are continuously favourites for relegation. Yet, they survive.

Still interested? All of this can be viewed on Sky Sports and BT Sport.

But don’t expect the coverage to be polished.

While Sky invests billions in the Premier League and skinny-fit suits for Jamie Redknapp and Thierry Henry, they’re still unable to differentiate between Dundee United and Dundee (see above).

As for BT, their coverage is almost as good as the football. Comedy skits, forthright opinions, shouting-matches which make special guests feel uncomfortable, and Chris Sutton doing his best to wind his fellow colleagues up. They add to the wacky world of Scottish football.

So… if you are fed up with teams paying £8 million for Jack Cork, bored of West Brom v Crystal Palace on a Monday night, tired of Jim White, that tie and transfer deadline day, had your fill of games being billed as the next Hollywood blockbuster only to be robbed of 90 minutes of your life… then switch your focus to Scottish football.

Come out of curiosity, stay for the comedy.

Scottish football – some recent ‘highlights’

Mark McGhee’s rant

The former Motherwell boss was sent to the stands at Pittodrie, a stadium he called home as player and manger. After a couple of tame shouts from the crowd McGhee reacted to a fan filming him by saying “GET THAT TAE FU”, the video cutting off at the perfect moment.

Fifth – Mark McGhee pic.twitter.com/Xo6BVCHCRk — Jonny Boyle (@beanroll) May 21, 2017

The game that had it all

Premiership side Motherwell v Championship side Rangers for a place in the top-flight. The Steelmen led 3-1 on aggregate and ended up winning the second leg 3-0. But that afternoon at Fir Park was Oscar-worthy.

There was a shambolic goalkeeping error from Rangers goalkeeper Cammy Bell, Lee McCulloch getting hit in the face with a flag, a fan brandishing a red card, a mini pitch invasion, Motherwell’s captain leading the fans with a rendition of Twist and Shout. And then there was a punch-up.

Rod Stewart’s tipsy cup draw

The famous singer was chosen to draw the fifth-round of the Scottish Cup. Only he had been involved in an all-day drinking session. The end result was comical.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DvSxDqIQng

It’s my ball and I’m going home

Dundee United v Inverness Caledonian Thistle. The latter were sinking towards relegation. What they needed was FIGHT, PASSION, DETERMINATION.

Not their centre-back picking up the ball in midfield and walking off the park as the game was going on. Literally picking the ball up with his hands and walking off. He didn’t play again.

When you don't want to play any more so you just take your ball and go home. pic.twitter.com/zqPMItcMlE — The Terrace (@terracepodcast) April 11, 2016

Kingsley (look away now, kids)

Partick Thistle announcing the love-child of Pikachu and Lisa Simpson as their mascot.

EXCLUSIVE: Next White House Communications Director revealed. pic.twitter.com/wGD7xh2vPM — Scott Reid ???? (@scottreid1980) July 31, 2017

Goal of the month

Just drink it in.