There’s a movie coming out called The Same Kind Of Different As Me and I could end this article by saying the full name of the book it’s based on is Same Kind of Different As Me: A Modern-Day Slave, an International Art Dealer, and the Unlikely Woman Who Bound Them Together. There are maybe seven words in that title alone that indicate this is some f*ck sh*t. The movie stars Renee Zellweger’s new face™, Renee Zellweger’s southern accent, Greg Kinnear phoning it in, Jon Voigt as Disheveled Donald Trump and Djimon Hounsou filling up the drinking gourd with his dignity before pouring it out in remembrance of what’s left of his career. The movie is pretty much what comes up if you type in All Lives Matter on the Pornhub search bar.

So here’s the plot: Djimon Hounsou is a raging, homeless, mysterious savage Black man who needs to be saved by a White couple and their racist dad. Do they save him? Who cares…at least their White, loving marriage is saved. So yay!

I originally was going to do this to the Magical Negro Eddie Murphy movie where he sacrifices his whole life and literally dies for the preservation of a White woman. But this trailer makes that movie look like It Takes A Nation Of Millions… had a baby with Gil Scott-Heron. This is the Illmatic of magic negro movies.

So here’s the trailer. Let’s talk.

:01-:05 – We start with an accent that’s pretty indiscernible. I’ll go on to learn that this is Renee Zellweger’s New Face’s™ New Southern Accent. That’s fine but it really sounds like someone deep fried a Tickle Me Elmo.

:05-:10 – We learn that Renee Zellweger’s character – she doesn’t have a name so let’s call her “I Have A Black Friend” or IHABF – had a dream about a “poor wise man who changes the city.” She didn’t mention that he was Black, which is the least believable part of this whole trailer. IHABF seems like the type of woman who will tell you about every time she sees a Black person. She seems very much like the I was at Kroger and a Black woman was in aisle three type of White woman. So there’s zero percent chance she didn’t actually tell her husband “there was a poor wise man in my dream and he was BLACK.”

:10 – Waitaminute. That looks familiar. THEY FILMED THIS IN JACKSON, MS WHY HATH YOU DESECRATED MY HOMETOWN LIKE THIS WE’VE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH GET THIS DEVILMENT AWAY FROM MY FAMILY

:19 – New Faced Zelly Wegs is working the kitchen. Look in the background. It’s confirmed what I’d suspected all along.

Look at how full those seasoning containers are. No need to say any more.

:23 – Greg Kinnear is generally a good actor but it’s pretty clear his character’s name is Twitter Egg Avi. He’s the reluctant giver with a heart of gold below his judgmental pseudo-racism.

:25-:40 – Ohhh snap! Twitter Egg Avi cheated on his wife’s new face. Tragedy! These two White people are surrounded by homeless people who had devastating tragedies but screw those hobos I’m crying over their failed marriage. Remember: White inconvenience trumps everyone else’s suffering any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

:40-:47 – AHHHH SAVAGE! Is this supposed to be an inspirational film or a horror movie. BY GOD THERE’S A BLACK MAN ON THE LOOSE. AND HE HAS A BAT. This is the America Obama always wanted.

1:03 – 1:10 – This is the money shot. Twitter Egg Avi tells Djimon he wants to be friends and we get the slow pan and the soon-to-be infamous “well umma gunna have to think about that.” You know how some actors did deep into source material to really dig into a character? Remember how Leonardio DiCaprio ate bison testicles for his movie about killing Native Americans or whatever? Well Djimon did something similar: he made a DJ Screw tape of old Amos N’ Andy shows and learned how to be the most regressive Black man whose name doesn’t rhyme with Badea.

1:16 – There’s literally hours of B roll that’s just “Black Guy Receiving Styrofoam and Foil” they’ve filmed for this movie. Hours. The carbon footprint on this movie is going to destroy this planet. If depression from watching the movie doesn’t do it first.

1:17 – This is what Donald Trump is going to look and sound like on December 1, 2016 after he’s lost the election and gets his own TV show on Fox News and a column in People.

1:24 – I’m not exaggerating. Every five seconds there’s a clip of White people handing a homeless Black man something. If you listen closely you’ll hear Mike Pence letting out a post-coital moan.

1:29 – Booty had me like…

Ha, no but seriously, this is what it looks like when racism is corroding your organs one White a$$ Hollywood movie at a time.

1:30 – This is an actual exchange:

I Have A Black Friend: “Kind of sexy what you did today”

Twitter Egg Avi: “Hanging out with a homeless guy?”

I Have A Black Friend: “How was it?”

Twitter Egg Avi: “Actually it was kind of amazing”

Then I imagine he says “technically, it’s only 3/5ths of a homeless guy AMIRIGHT?”

1:42 – 1:46 – Oh, now we know why the Black guy is there…to homelessly sacrifice himself for the reclamation of White love. It’s a tale as old as time.

1:53-1:55 – Whether we’s rich or we’s po’ we’s all homeless. WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN. Djimon is now preaching in a church and he looks like Meth Danny Glover and I don’t know what this sentence means at all. And what year does this take place in? I guarantee no Black person alive right now says “we’s.” Zero percent.

2:03-2:06 – White love. There’s nothing better. A montage of how the Black guy made White people happy. There’s nothing better. Also, I think his head is stuck to her face.

And is this Brad Paisley music giving us the soundtrack? The “Accidental Racist” guy? LL Cool J didn’t die in a Respectability Fire for us to still have to watch movies like these. I can’t wait to go see this movie and leave out yelling at homeless people to stop making excuses and find more White friends to get their lives together.

Shoot me.