Name: ModelLand.

Age: Opens 1 May.

What is it? “A wondrous place in Santa Monica CA, where everyone can live the ultimate modelling fantasy”, apparently.

Nothing to do with balsa wood or Airfix Spitfires, then? No. This, the baby of America’s Next Top Model creator and host Tyra Banks, is a theme park, where you will get the chance to experience the life of a model for yourself.

Excellent! So they will feed you only vitamin water and make you walk like a dressage pony and teach you to feel crap about yourself? That is an outdated and offensive industry stereotype.

A teeny bit true though, no? Not here. This is about empowerment, inclusiveness and experiencing the fantasy version of yourself.

But [looks down, checks mirror], the actual real version of myself doesn’t look very much like a model. Not a problem. “I believe all shapes AND all sizes AND all ages AND all shades deserve to feel beautiful,” says Banks. “ModelLand is not just an attraction. It’s a place full of story that battles what ‘attractive’ means.”

I’m battling with what that means, to be honest. What’s actually going to be there? “The first-of-its-kind, story-driven attraction features fashion AND beauty, photoshoots AND runways, shopping AND theatre …”

Big fan of an upper-case conjunction, Banks, isn’t she? “... AND most importantly YOU.”

Go on, then, I’m a model, I’m beautiful, where do I sign? Ticketing is already open.

How much? So, it’s not cheap. General access, which includes posing tips, a “phierce” digital logbook customised with pictures of you, and “immersive theatre where YOU are part of the show” costs $59 (£46). Unless you’re a child – then it’s just $39.

WHAT! But [getting the hang of this] I don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 for a day out. So there’s the Fantascene Photoshoot ticket, which adds runway-ready wardrobe styling, a signature blood orange beverage, some tasty indulgent treats, plus much more, for $549 …

That’s still not enough. How about a Fantascene Dream ticket? This adds pre-visit consultations with beauty experts, extra wardrobe changes, “veiled VIP seating”, a hand-crafted ModelLand elixir, a robe, a gift bag curated by Tyra herself, and instead of the blood orange drink you get assorted artisanal truffles. All for $1,495.

I said $10,000. Well, you could get a couple of Couture Model Squad 12-month memberships. At $5,490 each, that will get you there.

Do say (to yourself): “Because you’re worth it.”

Don’t say: “How many calories are there in a blood orange anyway?”