RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Shooting Script

OPEN ON:

Jungle. In the introductory sequence, we show the apes being captured and shipped off to a drug-testing company. This is important lest the viewers think that the apes at the drug testing company in the next scene arrived there through abiogenesis.

We then flash to an unnamed San Francisco biotech research conglomerate called Genentech.

JAMES FRANCO: Hello. I am James Franco. I am also a brilliant scientist. You can tell this because in addition to the smug smirk and half-stoned look that I wear in all my movies, in this one I also wear a lab coat.

LAB TECH: Doctor, doctor! Look! This CGI chimp that you have injected with your virus is showing signs of increased intelligence!

JAMES FRANCO: Holy shit, a positive result from an experiment with a sample size of one! Hey, CEO! This virus could cure Alzheimers, AIDS, and acne, all at the same time.

CEO: I don’t care about saving people. I only care about money.

JAMES FRANCO: Yes, well, this virus will make us money.

CEO: A lot of money?

JAMES FRANCO: Yes.

CEO: I like money.

JAMES FRANCO: Are there other dimensions to your character?

CEO: No.

Suddenly, the CGI chimp goes APE-SHIT and gets shot.

CEO: Well, this is embarrassing. Let’s scratch the whole thing and cancel this project.

JAMES FRANCO: Uh, this company invested millions of dollars into these experiments, which showed really promising results, and you’re cancelling them because one chimpanzee escaped from its cage?

CEO: Yes. This is what they taught me at Wharton. Count your blessings that you’re not fired.

JAMES FRANCO: That doesn’t even make any sense. I was in the room with you when the ape escaped. How is this even remotely my fault?

CEO: You know, since you’re being such a little bitch, I’m gonna order the lab tech to kill all the apes.

LAB TECH: But I love these apes!

CEO: I love money more. And exterminating expensive experimental animals that could be used in plenty of other research will clearly bring us more money.

JAMES FRANCO: You know, I’ve seen these types of movies before. I don’t think this is going to go well for you.

CEO: Oh yeah? How do you feel about the fact that most critics who review this movie will praise a CGI monkey’s acting more than yours?

CEO leaves.

LAB TECH: Franco! I know why that chimp went crazy. It had secretly given birth!

JAMES FRANCO: How could you not have noticed that an ape that we’ve been running extensive experiments on for months was pregnant? Are you, like, the absolute worst lab tech in the world?

LAB TECH: No, I am the best because I care.

JAMES FRANCO: Apparently in your world, the word “care” isn’t usually preceded by the word “medical”.

Lab Tech kills all the apes except for the baby chimp.

LAB TECH: I just can’t do it.

JAMES FRANCO: You just murdered all of that baby’s relatives and now you’re getting some pangs of morality?

LAB TECH: This CGI baby just looks too much like that CGI Brad Pitt baby from that Button movie. Could you take care of him?

JAMES FRANCO: Why don’t you take care of him?

LAB TECH: Because of mumble mumble plot reasons.

James Franco brings the baby chimp home to his dad, John Lithgow.

JOHN LITHGOW: Caesar! Let’s name him Caesar!

JAMES FRANCO: Why the fuck would you name a baby monkey Caesar?

JOHN LITHGOW: It’s a nod to the fans of the original “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes” movie.

JAMES FRANCO: Dad… that movie doesn’t have any fans. Your Alzheimers must be getting really bad.

JOHN LITHGOW: At least my deterioration gives you a motivation for being so driven in your research. Perhaps with time, with many other experiments to assure the efficacy and safety of this drug virus of yours, you may someday proceed to FDA-approved Phase II clinical trials and–

JAMES FRANCO: Screw that.

James Franco injects John Lithgow with the virus.

JAMES FRANCO: Now we can witness some real acting from the esteemed John Lithgow, whose Hollywood career spans many decades, as he shows us the long and difficult climb back to mental clarity, with many false hopes and setbacks, as he eventually–

JOHN LITHGOW: No, actually, I’m completely cured from that one shot.

JAMES FRANCO: Well, I guess let’s not mention anything about this wonder-virus to anyone and skip forward a few years for plot reasons.

YEARS PASS.

Franco and Lithgow are two unmarried guys who live together in their house in San Francisco with their super-intelligent CGI chimpanzee Caesar. They have to turn down a lot of sitcom deals. Caesar draws, plays chess, and speaks sign language.

One day, Caesar sneaks out to the neighbor’s yard. The neighbor runs out with a baseball bat.

NEIGHBOR: Even though I am bravely defending my two young children from what I believe is a dangerous wild animal who invaded my property, I will somehow be painted in an unsympathetic light.

JAMES FRANCO: Screw you. You will get your comeuppance.

Franco takes the chimp to a hot veterinarian chick. Caesar makes kissing faces at the vet.

HOT VET: Holy crap, your monkey is so cute!

Caesar nudges James Franco towards the vet.

HOT VET: And I’m not even going to ask why you keep a dangerous wild animal in your house.

Caesar makes a ring with the index finger and thumb of one hand and repeatedly moves the index finger of his other hand through the hole while winking at James Franco and the vet.

JAMES FRANCO: I think you’re my awkwardly-inserted love interest.

HOT VET: Well, I bet I have a major role to play later, where I either act as your voice of consciousness, or a brave and useful companion, or at the very least, a damsel-in-distress.

JAMES FRANCO: Actually, you do fuck-all in this movie. Seriously, if your whole role was completely excised, nothing in this movie would change one bit.

Caesar slipts a roofie into Hot Vet’s drink and James Franco takes her home.

MORE YEARS PASS.

Caesar is even more intelligent now. He assembles puzzles, draws amusing cartoons for the New Yorker, and has thousands of followers on Twitter. But he also starts going through puberty and asking some pretty sensitive questions.

CAESAR (in sign language): Am I a pet? Who am I? Why am I here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose in life? Who are my parents?

JAMES FRANCO: Caesar, I am your father.

CAESAR (in sign language): Man, my mom must’ve been REALLY ugly.

JAMES FRANCO: Okay, okay, you got me. I was lying to you. Your parents are dead. Psych!

CAESAR (in sign language): I don’t fit in anywhere. No one understands me. I’m going to go up to my room and listen to some goth metal.

Caesar gets all emo.

As an aside, we get a tantalizing glimpse of an ongoing manned mission to Mars named “Icarus.” This is a nod to the original movie and will figure prominently in the plot later. Don’t forget it.

Meanwhile, John Lithgow goes back to his old Alzheimerey ways. One day, he sneaks out and wrecks the neighbor’s car.

NEIGHBOR: I’m going to threaten to contact the police, though apparently summoning the police when someone destroys my property is somehow an unsympathetic act, because I’m becoming, like, a villain of this movie.

Caesar runs outside and bites off the neighbor’s finger.

NEIGHBOR: Okay, seriously, guys, can we now agree that this is a wild animal and that I am actually a sympathetic guy?

JAMES FRANCO: Screw you. You will get your comeuppance.

Caesar is taken to an animal control shelter.

CAESAR (in sign language): What’s going on? Why am I here?

JAMES FRANCO: Well, we’ve already established that you can understand human speech, and I could explain that I plan to fight in the courts to get you released, but instead I’m not going to say anything, leading you to think that I don’t care about you and that I’ve abandoned you. Have fun!

DRACO MALFOY: Hello. I hate all apes.

JAMES FRANCO: Then why do you work in an ape shelter? There are many other rewarding lines of work that you could–

DRACO MALFOY: Look, it’s either this role or Harry Potter conventions for the rest of my life.

JAMES FRANCO: Screw you. You will get your comeuppance.

James Franco leaves. Draco zaps Caesar with a stun gun. Caesar gets all emo again. Then he gets bullied by other apes and gets even more emo.

James Franco meanwhile goes to the CEO.

JAMES FRANCO: I injected my dad with that virus a few years back. He showed remarkable improvement, but now he’s regressing again. Let me do more research.

CEO: So you grossly violated basic ethical standards and then, when you had these promising results, you didn’t come forward all these years because, hey, your dad was cured, so who the fuck cares about all those other people suffering from Alzheimer’s, right? It’s only now that you need to treat your dad again that you suddenly care about finding a cure? Is that how it works?

JAMES FRANCO: You’re way more of a one-dimensional character than this to be asking these questions.

CEO: That’s true. Go make me money.

James Franco concocts a new virus. The Lab Tech accidentally inhales it.

JAMES FRANCO: As experienced researchers, we should probably be concerned about this inadvertent exposure of an untested genetically engineered virus on a human.

LAB TECH: Yeah, we really should. Oh look, a cute cat video on youtube.

JAMES FRANCO: Ha ha! That cat sure is hilarious.

James Franco goes home and tries to give the virus to his dad.

JOHN LITHGOW: Look, I’ve been nominated for an Oscar twice and now goddamn CGI monkeys are getting more screen time than me. I’m checking out.

John Lithgow DIES.

Meanwhile, we learn that the manned mission to Mars, on the space ship “Icarus,” has gone missing. Remember this fact, because all these pieces of the puzzle are going to come together.

Also meanwhile:

Lab Tech coughs up blood.

Lab Tech (to himself): Hm, I wonder what’s up with this. Eh, probably nothing, since I am, after all, the most incompetent biomedical worker in history.

Lab Tech dies.

James Franco goes to the Genentech CEO.

JAMES FRANCO: I’m calling it quits for some half-baked moral reasons.

CEO: This makes no sense. Why would—? You know what, nevermind. I’m losing patience with these contrived plot points. We will continue with your experiments without you.

JAMES FRANCO: Screw you. You will get your comeuppance.

At the chimpanzee shelter, Caesar sneaks out and finds his way back to James Franco’s house, because apparently the virus not only equipped him with superior intelligence but also an internal GPS system. He steals some of the virus, and infects all the other apes at the shelter. They are suddenly as smart as he is.

Draco Malfoy comes in and faces off against Caesar.

DRACO MALFOY: I have worked in this ape shelter for a while and observed many chimpanzee whaling on each other, but I somehow still think it’s a good idea to enter hand-to-hand combat against an adolescent chimpanzee whilst armed with a little stun stick.

Draco and Caesar fight.

DRACO MALFOY: The studio insisted that I now say, “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape” because the fanboys will like it.

CAESAR: No.

Caesar kills Draco by spraying water at the electric stun stick which transforms it into an electric kill stick through sci-fi movie logic. Then the apes storm out and run to Genentech thanks to their mutated internal GPS.

CEO: Hello, police? Super-intelligent mutated apes are running amock. Please help.

POLICE GUY: You know what’s the best way to fight a bunch of mutated animals in the middle of the city? By saddling up our officers on horses and equipping them with clubs.

CEO: Is there someone else I can talk to?

POLICE GUY: Look, this is a reference to the original movie, okay?

Policemen get promptly thrown off their horses.

POLICE GUY: Okay, now let’s try helicopters and automatic weapons.

CEO: Couldn’t we do this in the first place?

CEO and Police Guy climb in a helicopter and shoot some apes. A gorilla makes the helicopter crash.

CEO: Even though I have, in general, behaved a lot more ethically than James Franco as far as scientific experimentation goes, I guess I should now die.

CEO dies.

HOT VET: Hey, remember me? I was here this whole time, being completely irrelevant!

James Franco chases after the apes as they go into the woods near San Francisco.

JAMES FRANCO: Caesar! Come home! I am asking you to do this because I think that there will be no repercussions from you leading a bunch of apes in killing scores of people and everything can just go back to the way it was before.

CAESAR: Caesar… is home.

JAMES FRANCO: How the fuck is this your home? This is a completely different climate than what your species is adapted to, and you’ve spent your entire life in an urban environment so you’re not at all prepared to– ah, you know what, fuck it, I have a joint the size of a gorilla’s middle finger back in my trailer. I’m outta here.

LATER:

NEIGHBOR: Hey, you didn’t think I wouldn’t get my comeuppance, did you? The lab tech had sneezed on me, so now I’m infected with the deadly virus and I’m also a pilot and will spread this virus throughout the globe.

MISSING ASTRONAUTS FROM THE MANNED MARS MISSION “ICARUS”: Hey, weren’t we supposed to figure into the plot of this movie in some fashion, given the many hints that have been dropped throughout the last two hours?

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS.

MISSING ASTRONAUTS (voice-over): I guess not.