I have some questions for the producers of the 2017 film Monster Trucks.

When you pitched this film as E.T. meets Fast and the Furious, which I assume you did, how long did it take for Paramount to greenlight? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? Was it too fast to be measured by our traditional understanding of time?

Where do I know this guy from?

Is he the guy from the Hannah Montana movie?

Creech is a working nickname for the titular Monster Truck, and not the final nickname, right? Sort of like how Star Wars was called Blue Harvest. Like, closer to the film's release you're going to reveal the real, cooler name, right?

Is it weird that Creech has already grown on me?

Is it spelled Creech or Creetch?

Why does Cree(t)ch feel the need to compete with a horse?

What's going on here? The male lead appears to be mocking Cree(t)ch, while Cree(t)ch is making an earnest attempt to smile for the selfie.

Does Cree(t)ch do most of the heavy lifting in this friendship?

What's happening here?

Does this hurt Cree(t)ch?

How many drafts were written before everybody was like, "'The monster is in the truck!' That's the line this movie, Monster Trucks, is missing!"

Wait, what... what is happening here?

What dirt do you have on Danny Glover?

And why is the young woman's Monster Truck pink?

Why do Monster Trucks obey outdated gender norms even though they appear to be alien creatures that a) don't speak English b) lack a historical understanding of human gendering and c) wear trucks as clothes?

Wait, the writer also wrote Jurassic World?

Wait, wait, wait, the writer, Derek Connolly, is also working on the King Kong reboot, the Pacific Rim sequel, another Jurassic Park film, Star Wars Episode IX, and a remake of Flight of the Navigator?

What were the exact terms of the deal that Derek Connolly made with the devil?

I'm sorry to harp on the writing credits, but why does this film have three people responsible for story? The story is only two words: monster trucks. That divides to two-thirds of a word per person credited. Then someone else wrote down those thirteen letters, and landed the screenplay credit.

How do you name a film Monster Trucks and not do any of the following:

Feature an actual monster truck?

Say "Sunday! Sunday Sunday!"

Pay respect to the greatest monster truck of all time: the Grave Digger?

There will be toys for me to buy, right?