HOPEWELL, VA—Promising that both parties would reap substantial benefits by striking a deal, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort started his new job Wednesday lobbying federal prison guards on behalf of the Aryan Brotherhood. “Believe me, if you sign this retainer agreement, I can make all of your problems with a certain European heritage group go away,” said Manafort, noting that his extensive network of connections and previous experience with controversial ideological organizations, combined with the unparalleled local authority of the Brotherhood, represented a “can’t miss” opportunity for any enterprising organization of corrections officers. “Listen, I’m used to dealing with authority figures like yourself. I recognize this situation, I know what you need, and ultimately, it’s the same thing my clients want. Hey, we’re adults, so let’s be realists: It may seem unorthodox, but there are some definite synergies between our organizations that are worth exploring. All you need to do is turn a blind eye over here, my boys smuggle some uncut heroin through there—nothing that’ll keep you up at night. The opposite, in fact. This is less work for you guys, not more. I think you know what the smart decision is here.” At press time, Manafort had agreed to arrange a private meeting between prison officials and Aryan Brotherhood leadership in exchange for an undisclosed amount of mint-condition vintage Italian pornography.

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