On Wednesday, we learned that the University of Nebraska-Omaha’s new hockey arena will feature something called a Taco Cannon courtesy of the local taco purveyors and national heroes at Voodoo Taco. Now, thanks to KETV 7 in Omaha, there’s video of the Taco Cannon in action, firing tacos indiscriminately into the streets of Omaha. It’s incredible.

I have never wanted anything more. I don’t ask for much from this life, and I’ve probably already got more from it than anyone can reasonably hope. My bucket list has been reduced to one item: Taco Cannon.

And if I had the Taco Cannon, what a joyful world this would be! Not just for me, but for everyone. I will be the new Johnny Appleseed, except instead of planting apple trees I’ll fire tacos from a cannon.

It’d be just like that scene in the new Fast and Furious trailer where The Rock is all, “I am the cavalry!” except instead of some giant awesome blow-torch thing I’ve got the Taco Cannon, and I’m not fighting bad guys but delivering tacos at dangerous speeds.

Here I come, walking down the street with my Taco Cannon. You’re only human, so of course you want a taco. Lean out your office window and call to me. BOOM! Now you have a taco, and possibly also a black eye. Hey there Mr. Farmer, tilling the soil. That looks like hard work! Want a taco? Of course you do. BAM! Taco for you. Sorry about the cracked rib.

Oh, how the people would sing my name! “There goes ol’ Ted, leaving in his wake a delicious path of taco destruction. No one has ever had a better understanding of taco ballistics. No one has ever distributed more tacos. No one has ever done more good.”