A little while ago I wrote a quick movie list about very silly Heavy Metal movies. At the time, I mentioned that I’d originally planned to write (relatively) sensible post on the same subject. And against the odds, I’ve actually followed through on that promise. This is the great heavy metal movie vanishing act.

A couple of years ago, you may remember the wave of internet-driven nausea that followed announcements of a Bill & Ted reboot, and the similar wave of genuine excitement at the announcement of a Keanu-and-Alex-starring third instalment. This is unusual, because neither of the original movies were what you’d call blockbusting. But over the years, they’ve gained a well-deserved cult following.

Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure is, if not one of the best, then at least one of the most endearing movies ever made. Funny without the need for gross-out, it emanates a likeability that’s infectious. While his Zen method may have worked in The Matrix (and let’s not forget The Day The Earth Stood Still), this is Keanu’s finest role by far, Bill S. Preston Esq. perfectly suited to his unique brand of spiritually-centred acting.

After recently revisiting Excellent and Bogus Journey I was suitably re-entertained, but unfortunately the whole experience was tinged with melancholy. What slow dawning horror could knock the general dude-type good vibes emanating from your ancient TV screen you ask? The truth is, I was troubled by the realisation that the Rock Movie is a form sadly lacking from today’s cinemascape.

Now, I’m not talking about nostalgia trips like Almost Famous or Rock Star, or the risible likes of The Rocker. I’m talking about the really gnarly flicks that veer off into weird fantasy and horror territory, backing it up with ridiculous heavy metal soundtracks and ending up all the more brilliant for it. Films like The Wraith, a 1983 Charlie Sheen vehicle. Literally. The erstwhile Two and a Half Men star taking revenge on small town bullies by transforming into a Dodge MS4 concept car and running over Ron Howard’s rat-faced brother!

The Wraith, like others of its ilk, has an internal logic all it’s own. Most of these films are early-to-mid 80s movies, a sub-sub-genre that brightened many a trip to the VHS rental outlet before Blockbuster took over and banished stupid horror by forcing it to be multi-demographic.

One of the main problems of late is that ‘entertaining’ horror has become too teen-centric, and while the odd cerebral horror like It Follows may break the mold, it’s truly difficult to find a genuinely fun and scary horror for anyone over the age of 15 these days. Remakes abound, and if a movie isn’t suffering from a glut of over-familiarity, then it’s just too far up it’s own arse.

Likewise fantasy, where Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings have seen the entire once-promising genre devolve into tweenage romantic epicness backed up with terrible special effects. In effect, we have a legion of Krulls with all the fun parts (gratuitous nudity, extreme violence, state officials screaming at mad gods) taken out and replaced with wistful glances and sub-par indie soundtracks.

The best part of the 80s Rock Horror is that it just doesn’t give a fuck. Like the musical genre that spawned it, it’s well aware of it’s own inherent ridiculousness, and happy to take it as far as possible. How can you argue with a movie where the protagonist sells his soul to become a rock star? Or indeed, where Billy the Kid hits on Joan of Arc?

Of course, fashion plays it’s part in this. These days watered down versions of Hard Rock’s softest hits – I’m looking at you Journey – are all the rage. In the old days the metalhead was usually the weird outsider/nerd who got to defeat the monster/put on a concert, in order to get girl/defeat jocks.

The trouble is that these days, everyone is a nerd. We all support and love underground culture. Jocks no longer bellow the ever-amusing classic “get your hair cut” at kids at school, and while it’s a truly great thing that open expression has become more tolerated, it does also deprive the victim of the chance to retreat into a fantasy world and practice guitar for 18 hours a day, finally emerging with a multi-platinum album at the end of it.

Check out the awesome rock facial expressions in the clip below. These can only be achieved by sitting in a dark bedroom for four years, squinting at TAB sheets and masturbating yourself silly whenever your mum goes to the shops.

This is obviously a problem, because these kids were generally pretty nice people who just couldn’t be bothered to wear fashionable clothes, and didn’t like pop music. At this point I should add that if you’re old enough, look at a picture of yourself in the 80s… if you have a bubble perm/mullet and are wearing a skinny tie, and you own any Nik Kershaw albums, you’re probably pretty embarrassed about it right? If you had long hair and jeans, and own ‘Powerslave‘ then you probably look pretty much the same and are off to see Maiden’s next tour.

This has also left an unfortunate vacuum full of real nerds – the guys in shirts with pictures of wolves on them. Whatever your opinion of the movies/books, there can’t be any argument that owning merchandise with a picture of R-Patz on it puts you well and truly in the social outcast category. You may as well be wearing a latex Klingon forehead.

Rock Horrors need an outsider hero. He may be dorky, but guaranteed he’ll pull off some awesome guitar licks or turn out to be the son of an ancient warlock by the end of the film. Nobody wants to see normal people doing this. You need a borderline headcase to start with, if only so that you believe that the person on screen is exactly the type who’d believe a vampire had moved in next door.

Unfortunately today’s really popular music just doesn’t have the sense of fantasy that ties in perfectly with these often wilfully stupid plots. Can you really see yourself sitting down to watch Taylor Swift fight off a werewolf? Or see 2Pac coming pack from beyond the grave to possess his number one fan using a haunted Spotify track? Actually, that last one is pretty good. Remember where you read it first.

The point remains. If there’s a nerd at the centre of the action then the Metal fanbase can happily connect, while other demographics can watch the cool gory effects and cheer when the harridan-like sociology teacher gets it in the neck halfway through.

There’s also the bleed-through effect these films had. With big-barneted rock gods causing havoc in the rentals market, studios began to sit up and let Tim Burton put Twisted sister into Pee-Wee Herman movies. It may not have been the most auspicious of starts, but it certainly played a big part in films like Wayne’s World being greenlit.

Bill & Ted and their ilk can eschew the boring, overly earnest posturing that films like Notorious felt the need to cram in. Part of the trouble being the lead’s desire to showcase their ability to actually act. Say what you like about Gene Simmons, but he’s never felt the need to prove himself as a thespian, despite turning in a surprisingly earnest and down to earth performance as all-night DJ Nuke in 1986′s Trick or Treat, anchoring the fantastically bizarre plot and actually enabling you to ignore his rock star status and concentrate on the ‘Heavy Metal from hell’ plotline.

By taking the Cher route and giving the rocker some downbeat acting to do, rather than just furiously emoting for the Oscar panel, rock films allow providence free reign and make more room for inspired silliness or scares.

Likewise Michael Angelo Batteo (yes really) of Nitro infamy. While his acting talents were limited to gurning like a loon and he was justifiably never heard from again, his superlative shredding as the devil in ‘91 super-shlocker Shock ‘Em Dead is both ridiculous and ridiculously fun.

With B&T fast heading for their 30th anniversary it may finally be time for one more tour of cinema screens everywhere, and if there are any low budget horror makers reading – and let’s face it, at any given time 98% of the film-making world is comprised of low budget horror makers – then you could do a lot worse than dusting off some old W.A.S.P albums for inspiration. Only you can save rock n’ roll.

Otherwise, ladies and gentlemen, we’re history.

Check out more freaked-out movie craziness in our cult films section.







