I’m at a loss as to what to do about my neighbours’ loud sex. I’ve written them a note, being kind, saying I can hear everything, but it is still as frequent and as loud. I get quite angry when they start having sex when I’m watching TV, or when I get woken early by the girlfriend moaning. Earplugs aren’t an option. I’m torn between feeling like I’m an intolerant neighbour, but also feeling quite violated in my space.

Your feelings are understandable, and you also have a well-balanced view regarding the moral rights of yourself and others. But this situation has been in place for a long time and it is not going to change. At times, when you feel lonely or frustrated, you will be even more upset than usual. I would not be surprised if this has affected your own sexuality. The erotic energy of others can trigger a number of reactions: disgust, embarrassment, enjoyment, even arousal. The effect on certain people can be that their own eroticism becomes “paired” with that of others, so that others’ sex sessions become their required arousal trigger. First, speak to your neighbours in person. You don’t have to be too specific - just say the walls are so thin you can hear everything. They should certainly respect your feelings of violation, so gently ask them to pipe it down.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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