If it were not for French incompetence – which the Turnbull government has recently rewarded with a $50 billion submarine contract – Australia would be French. At least we were almost French!

A few rounds of French musket shot and the Irish prisoners would have risen up against their English turnkeys. A French expedition of 1802 commanded by Nicolas Baudin also failed to plant the tricolour on antipodean soil. Instead Baudin raised anchor and fled, terrified by the croaking of Australian frogs (or so wrote French novelist Jules Verne).

We drink more wine than beer, grow, make and export our olive oil (avoiding the Italian trick of exporting someone else's olive oil), and aspire to laid-back Greek work practices. Every fibre of the collective nervous system screams: "We have no affinity with England. We want to be European!"

Australia has since evolved into an Asian-Pacific middle power with a multicultural population of tremendously gifted linguists, most of whom can order a coffee or a glass of wine in French or Italian; ask for directions (and misunderstand the answer); and depart with a breezy "andiamo" or "allons-y". So precocious are the linguistic gifts of contemporary Australians that they will often drop these words, like little adornments, into English conversation.

Australia has fought two world wars on European soil and stands ready to deploy soldiers to any European military theatre, anywhere, at any time. The Australian armed services operate on the principal: "If there is a scrap, we want in!" Try to keep us from fighting other people's wars at your peril.

Europe is faced with a refugee crisis not seen since the end of World War 11. Australia has the perfect solution: be really mean to them.

Have I mentioned Eurovision? The performances of Guy Sebastian (2015) and Dami Im (2016) not only bolster our application for EU membership - if we are at Eurovision we are, ipso facto, European - they lift the overall standards of that pop pageant. Eurovision does more for regional stability than NATO. If the European Union were to fragment, most of its goals could in any event be accomplished through Eurovision. Introduce a Globovision song contest and there'd be no need for the UN.

In the section of the EU membership application headed: "What can you offer Europe?" I would start with the fact that we are a bridgehead to Asia enjoying excellent relations with China as well as important regional partners Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. [on second thoughts that may not be entirely true]. At least Australia is a bridgehead to Asia enjoying excellent relations with Japan [though perhaps not after purchasing those French subs and trashing Tokyo's bid]. Perhaps it's safer to say Australia is a bridgehead to Asia enjoying excellent relations with India [though maybe not after the latest cricket imbroglio]. Australia enjoys excellent relations with Taiwan [is this even possible while toadying to China?]. So maybe we don't really enjoy excellent relations with anyone in Asia. At least we maintain a robust relationship with New Zealand by allowing the Kiwis to regularly beat us at cricket and serially thump us at rugby, while enjoying the benefits of our employment market.

Here is an inconvenient truth: Europe, Britain was never really into you. Australians, on the other hand, adore you. Every Australian wants to holiday in Positano; none covet a summer in Margate. Think of Australia as a big Greek island without classical ruins where the guys with long beards wear checked shirts not black cassocks - and, more importantly, where those pesky refugees are out of sight - and you'll learn to love us too.