Last Thursday night, Rick Santorum showed why he’s a master of logic by pointing out to New England College students that, “if it’s ok for two men to marry, then it must be ok for three men to marry.” Although this seems like a stretch, I assure you it’s basic “if p, then q is gay” logic (I learned this during my sophomore year at Syracuse in the class PHI 222: De-deductive Reasoning).

Santorum has recently drawn ire from students across the nation for his stance on homosexuality as analogous to polygamy, which, again, I assure you is completely sound (PHI 223: It’s Descartes, not Gaycartes). It’s no different than comparing apples to…well, gay apples. Which are different right down to the core (har!). Santorum has also said, “I resent people saying my analogies are ridiculous. I don’t make analogies. Because ‘analogies’ has the word ‘anal’ in it. And if you have anal sex, you might as well register your penis as a citizen of Utah, convert it to Mormonism, and marry 29 Yorkshire terriers.” (This is the result of the contrapositive of “If p, then q has sex with multiple canines.”)