1. When discussing spree killings in our schools, employ a rhetorical device called, “The Tragedy Sandwich.” Example:

That school shooting was a tragedy. An absolute tragedy. That being said, we should change nothing about our current gun laws, and in fact, give everybody guns and hope that somehow fixes things. Either way, this was a tragedy. A super-duper tragedy.

This will give the impression that you sympathize with the victims, and make your audience more receptive to our opinion, which is correct, we promise.

2. When people blame easy access to guns for shootings (which makes sense, but don’t say that), recite this exact phrase: “Crazy people are going to find a way to kill no matter what.” Example:

It’s sad, but crazy people are going to find a way to kill no matter what. They could commit mass murders with a kitchen knife. You know all those cases of one guy killing dozens of people with a kitchen knife, right? They totally exist. Just Google it. But not right now. A crazy person could attach spinning lawnmower blades to a car and kill people, or build a hang glider from which to drop bowling balls. They’re very creative people. Why indulge their creativity? Let’s just sell them guns. Easier access to guns means less attacks with giant mechanical spiders. Nobody wants that. This was a tragedy.

3. When people propose gun-control legislation, explain how gun control is too impractical, then call them stupid. Example:

Gun control won’t work - there’s too many guns out there. What, are we gonna make everybody turn in their guns? How would they all get to the police station? Would we set up a carpool? Who would drive? Dave? He’s the farthest from the police station. Carol? Her car has a bunch of christmas decorations in it. Steve? He texts and drives, and that’s dangerous, unlike guns. See, there’s just too many logistical hurdles to stopping insane people from amassing arsenals and murdering dozens. Too many obstacles to try, even a little bit, stupid. Tragedy.

4. When all else fails, wait exactly one week. Sure, people are mad at our poor innocent guns right now, but next week Lindsay Lohan is scheduled to do something stupid. She’s going to leak a viral video of her singing karaoke really poorly. Clip-based comedy shows will replay it over and over, followed by live studio segments of Lindsay Lohan lookalikes singing even more poorly. These clips of clips will spread like wildfire across the internet, eradicating the political will for change. We’ll win.