SCP-3520

Item #: SCP-3520

Object Class: Keter Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: All radio transmissions broadcast on 106.5 FM within Centre County PA are to be immediately suppressed. Foundation equipment should consistently broadcast a stronger signal of static to overwhelm public radios on that frequency. All SCP-3520 broadcasts are to be recorded and transcribed. Irene Rosenfeld and the Mondelēz International Board of Directors are to be under constant surveillance by Foundation assets within Borneo and Ghana for SCP-3520 influence. All influences within Borneo and Ghana logging companies are to be immediately liquidated, and the Foundation is to assure that logging operations within the region continue uninhibited despite the apparent habitat degradation associated.

Despite apparent ease of containment, reclassification to Keter is under possible consideration.

Description: SCP-3520 is an anomalous series of radio broadcasts originating from an unknown place, occurring once a year, on a random day, in December. SCP-3520 broadcasts are of variable length, and only occur within the boundaries of Centre County, Pennsylvania. Despite the moderate strength of the normally unoccupied 106.5 FM frequency, the audio broadcast by SCP-3520 is usually weak, with the exception of the semi-variable phrase repeated at the end of the broadcast. SCP-3520 is able to influence objects, persons, and environments outside its range [REDACTED] despite a dearth of obvious, measurable characteristics, it is assured that these influences are present. Most voices have not been identified, however there are exceptions.

Addendum: All broadcasts made by SCP-3520 as of 12/31/14.

12/3/10 (Static, distant murmuring) (Finger snaps) (Noise of a crowded hall. Footsteps. Indistinct teenage voices.) First female voice: Did you pick up that SCP-343? I heard they're new. Second female voice: Oh no! Far too expensive. [DATA EXPUNGED]. There are other snacks to- (Static) (Jungle noise) (Gunshot) Synthesized male voice: Fourteen orangutans.

Use of classified information first alerted the Foundation to SCP-3520's existence. First classified as an Extranormal Event. No activity until one year later.

12/3/11 (Sounds of the ocean - seagulls, waves, etc. Indistinct male voice speaks in the distance.) Male voice: Yes, but when? When is enough enough… (Five second snippet from the 1971 film "A Clockwork Orange") (Five second snippet from 'Fat', a song by American singer "Weird Al" Yankovic) (Primate noises) Male voice: Inoculation complete, you are no longer afraid of your own body. (Snippet of voice reading "The Evils of Tobacco" by Anton Chekhov. Voice is identified as deceased comedian John Candy.) John Candy: Um, as the subject of my lecture today I've chosen, I think I may put it that way, the harmful effects which can be observed in human beings as a direct result of indulgence in [static noise]. I myself eat but my wife told me I should speak about the dangers of [static noise], so there's nothing more to say, is there? Dangers… why not? What do I care? You, on the other hand, ladies and gentlemen, will, I hope, devote your serious attention to what I'm about to say. Otherwise, well, I don't really think we'll get anywhere. (Retching, vomiting noises.) Synthesized male voice: Fat's where it's at! (Gunshot) Synthesized male voice: Thirteen orangutans.

Broadcasts reclassified as SCP-3520. Dr. Ryan Atkins alerts his superiors about possible influence on the grave of Mr. Candy. Grave liquidated as per new protocols developed by Dr. Atkins.

12/16/12 (The entirety of this broadcast is read by the female voice from broadcast one. She is apparently reading a transcript of a fictitious D-Class expedition. Words censored by bleeps are represented by blackboxes here.) First female voice: Begin Log, 18:02:40 █/█/██. D-5439 checks his watch. "It's currently two minutes after six, and I hear nothing. This is bullshit!" D-5439 glances up, alert. He looks around, apparently hearing SCP-████. SCP-████ is not audible on the tape. "Okay, okay yeah I hear it! It's…uh….very faint, but it's coming up from this street here." He turns and looks up Borneo Street, which runs to the northwest from D-5439. "So then I guess I just follow it until it gets louder." D-5439 is now walking down Ghana Road, to the east of Borneo Street. He has already begun to shiver. Audio records indicate his teeth are chattering. "It's so cold. Brrr. I had an ice-cream headache before this, straight outta left field. So bizarre. It's getting louder now. Not very much, but I think I'm getting closer. And, wait, I feel so full. It just came one quite suddenly. Agh!" (Video footage indicates D-5439 has jumped back in surprise) "I'm getting fatter! By the second! I can see it, I can see my belly slowly expanding outwards! What the fuck is this thing you sent me after?!" (Static) First female voice: D-5439 attempts to turn around and leave. His electric collar is activated and he quickly resumes tracking SCP-████. D-5439 has reached the intersection of Ghana Road and GMO Street. Video footage shows that he has gained approximately ten kilograms and is beginning to stumble somewhat in his walk. Audio shows that he is out of breath and disoriented. "So…full…so….cold…I can hear it. Its…um….(He spins around trying to locate the shifting sound.) "It's so loud. I'm…close to it. Why is it so…cold!?" (Static, handclaps, burst of screaming) First female voice: Video footage shows that D-5439 has entered a national park within Ivory Coast. Vast swaths of land have been replaced with cocoa farms. The ground is covered with the corpses of both chimpanzees and orangutans. "Now that's just fucked up. Seriously. That's fucking cold, ladies and germs." D-5439 turns to the camera and gives a magnificent bow. His top hat is sparkled and gold. His obese stomach is bursting out of his tuxedo. He is knee deep in ape corpses. (The song 'One' from the musical "A Chorus Line" begins to play underneath the rest of the broadcast.) First female voice: "Alright, this is D-5349 signing off right here. Thanks for tuning into this marvelous, spectacular totally tubular Foundation D-Class expedition. As you can see, thanks to these dead primates, I'm now fat and happy! The SCP Foundation is sponsored by Mondelēz International, makers of such fine products and brands as Belvita, Chips Ahoy!, Nabisco, Oreo, Ritz, Trident, Triscuit, and Kraft Cheese! Remember to shove these fine, healthy foods into your face at least eighty times a day for maximum effect! Keep an eye out for influence, ladies and germs. Don't let those special little thoughts take away the fun time that is the Mondelēz Grinder! Let yourself get out the groove and flee to the edges of the stars! Snack up on 101! Candy! Blood! A country in the tropics!" (Gunshot) Synthesized male voice: Twelve orangutans.

First recorded deviance in date of SCP-3520 broadcast. First recorded evidence of possible awareness of Foundation monitoring. All signs of monitoring are to be dismissed due to influence. 30% of all D-Class liquidated under Atkins Protocol due to suspicion. O5 Council grants temporary access to Mondelēz products in cafeterias, organization wide.

12/10/13 (Tuneless whistling. Ocean noises. The male voice is again talking.) Male voice: Yeah! It's going quicker and smoother than we planned. (Sounds of monkeys shrieking in terror. Sounds of elephants. Sounds of unidentified forest animals. Sounds of many trees being felled.) Second female voice: (Moaning, crunching) 60% of American women are obese, 75% of American men, 100% of true American animals. Let yourself slip into a dying asteroid, like me! (Gunshot) Synthesized male voice: Eleven orangutans.

In response to this broadcast, Site directors approve mandatory meal changes to all low-risk humanoid Euclid-Class entities and Foundation assets in Borneo and Ghana begin scouting rainforest for logging operations involved in liquidating objects with influence. Assets began the process of assisting these operations.

12/31/14 (Sounds of an explosion. Synthesized music. Forty second long snippet of a female voice discussing body positivity.) Third female voice: Body positivity is deprogramming the thought that only certain bodies are worth acceptance and romantic love, and instead recognizing that all bodies are equally valuable to the economy. It's understanding that you demand to live in your body's own inner body without receiving the discounted price ideals of others, whether that means rude comments, reduced economic growth in developing nations, inadequate containment, or something else entirely. Something unknown- (Distant drums. Laughter.) Third female voice: Jesus! (Five second clip from a news broadcast) News reporter: -Indonesia is completely in flames- (Metal clanging. Wet, soft noises.) (Conversation between two people, one torturing the other. Voices identified as Irene Rosenfeld, CEO of Mondelēz International and Robert Siegel, radio journalist and host of National Public Radio's "All Things Considered") Rosenfeld: (Screaming) Siegel: Why do you struggle? What's the point, Irene? Rosenfeld: You make us destroy the environment, recruit strange people, do this to my employees every night! I might ask you the same question, you sick fuck. Siegel: All part of the plan, Irene. In a few years, you'll be out of the organization anyway. Stop struggling. Here. I see you have influence. I can fix that. (Whipping noise. Sounds of tearing flesh. Rosenfeld screams in agony.) Rosenfeld: Please stop! Please! Siegel: You destroyed that rainforest yourself, Irene. You've been bringing all of this down upon yourself for years and years. If you look at it from an outside perspective, then you can see that the influence we've been slipping into things is really gonna work on your behavior. We like your methods Irene, much as we hate you. Irene, I want you to imagine a world without plant life, where the powerful people in the shadows enforce the death of the biosphere, all the while stuffing their faces in big Mondelēz buildings, growing flabby in big Mondelēz chairs. It's too late, we can even do it without you. We already are. We don't need you to do it. In fact, you're not even here. Rosenfeld: Fuck you! (More sounds of tearing flesh.) Siegel: Shut the fuck up for two seconds! It's too late! The big fish is on the verge of taking the bait. It's halfway swallowed it! Only time will tell if they can worm themselves off the hook. Rosenfeld: (panting) What exactly do you want? Siegel: Fat! (Gunshot) Synthesized male voice: Ten orangutans.

Last recorded SCP-3520 broadcast. In response to broadcast, a joint O5 Council and Ethics Committee meeting is to be held, fully declassified to personnel of all clearances, on performing a joint Foundation-Mondelēz takeover to fully negate influence, as well as replacement of all food served on Foundation property with Mondelēz products. Results pending.