I would eliminate all giant federal departments - Transportation, Commerce, Interior, Exterior, etc. - and replace them with a single entity, called the Department of Louise. This would consist of a woman named Louise, selected on the basis of being a regular taxpaying individual with children and occasional car trouble and zero experience in government. The Department of Louise would have total veto power over everything. Before government officials could spend any money, they'd have to explain the reason to Louise and get her approval.

"Louise," they'd say, "we want to take several billion dollars away from the taxpayers and build a giant contraption in Texas so we can cause tiny invisible particles to whiz around and smash into each other and break into even tinier particles."

And Louise would say: "No."

Or the officials would say: "Louise, we want to use a half-million taxpayer dollars to restore the childhood home of Lawrence Welk."

And Louise would say: "No."

Or the officials would say: "Louise, we'd like to give the Syrians a couple million dollars to reward them for going almost a week without harboring a terrorist."

And Louise would say: "No."

Or the officials might say: "Louise, we want to . . ."

And Louise would say: "No."

All these decisions would have to be made before 5:30 p.m., because Louise would be very strict about picking her kids up at day care.