by Allen Kellogg

Austin, TX



Officials from both the University of Texas and Texas A&M reached an agreement with the help of the state legislature to renew their rivalry on October 2, 2035. The game with be the climax of a five day celebration to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Gonzales and the start of the Texas Revolution.



The game will be played in the center of Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth on a giant 1yard= 1 mile scale field in the shape of Texas and painted to look like the Texas flag. It will be 801 yards long by 790 yard high. In order to make the game visible from the stands Texas Longhorns players will be riding longhorn cattle while the A&M players will ride tractors. QB’s will signal for a snap by firing a six-guns into the air.



“There are three things we Texans do better than anyone, put on a show, barbecue and football,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott said, “This is game is going to be the greatest show on the planet all to celebrate the greatest nation on God’s green earth. It will put Roman Emperor Commodus’ gladiatorial games to shame.”



Texas and A&M won’t be the only football teams playing during the celebration. Every high school football team in Texas is scheduled to travel to Texas Motor Speedway to play in a two day tournament. Eight games will be played on the field at the same time setting a world record for the most football games played at the same time in the same venue. On Sunday the Cowboys and Texans will play to determine who is the official NFL team of Texas. Monday will see the other college football teams in Texas face off. D3 teams will kick off at noon D2 teams are set for a 4:15 kickoff. The night will be capped off UTEP v. UTSA, Houston v. Rice. Texas State v. UNT, Baylor v. Texas Tech, and TCU v. SMU. The games will run concurrently. The finale will be the matchup between Texas and A&M it will be the first time the two school have played since A&M left the Big 12 for the SEC.



“I excited for the game,” A&M coach Kevin Sumlin said, “It’s the best rivalry in sports and with the compromising photos I have of our board members there is no way they can fire me before 2035.”



One feature of the venue will be a 10 million gallon cowboy hat hovering over the field. Seats can be purchased in the hat for over $30K.



“We haven’t figured out how to build a giant cowboy hat and have it float over Texas Motor Speedway, Ranger Walker, a state official, said, “but there is no way it could be more difficult the getting UT and A&M into a room together to negotiate the deal for this game. Compared to that building a 10 million gallon floating cowboy hat should be easy.”



When asked if the NCAA would allow such as game to go on Walker said that it doesn’t matter what the NCAA says, the Texas Collegiate Athletic Association has already given it the green light. The NCAA will not be sending official to the game and the referees will be Texas Rangers.



Other events during the 5 day celebration will include a 1836ft tall, fire breathing statue of Big Tex , a 5 day endurance race, and a Barbecue competition representing every town in Texas. The Texas Air National Guard will be staging mock dogfights and has announced they will be dropping 24 million Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits on the crowd using B-52s.



The endurance race will feature 3 competing teams from Ford, GM, and Dodge all using Texas or Lone Star edition pickup trucks. The winner will be declared the “Toughest Truck In Texas” and the players of the winner of the Texas v. Texas A&M game will all be give a Texas edition truck from the winning company. The losing team will also receive a truck, but they will be tiny Japanese trucks to represent the shame of loosing this game.



The barbecue competition will begin on Friday and end on Tuesday. Representatives of every town in Texas are compelled to attend, under penalty of losing state funding to their schools, to see who really is the King of Barbecue. The only rule is that no mustard or vinegar based recipes will be allowed to compete.



Attendance over the course of the festival is expected to surpass 1 million, but will be restricted to only native Texans. People wishing to attend must submit their birth certificate or evidence they were born on Texas soil and under a Texas flag in addition to a 100 words or less statement about why Texas is the greatest nation on Earth.



“This is a celebration of Texas for Texans,” Gov. Abbott said. “The last thing we want is it to be ruined by Yankees, people with an inferior taste in barbecue, or God forbid Oklahomans.”