Disclaimer: this is not actually written by Moist Von Lipwig, who is a fictional character of Terry Pratchet’s discworld. If you are interested you can read more about him here. Perhaps you will find his story inspirational. I’ve seen a few people posting that they don’t really understand how to play corp. I felt this would be an amusing way of explaining it. So, if you know someone struggling to get into the right mindset, send em here ;).

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Greetings citizens of the dystopian future! Due to some kind of faffing around by the damned wizards over at the university, probably involving a unique blend of nefariousness and kippers, I find myself stranded in your dimension. I have agreed (with some reluctance) to talk with you today about running a business while people are out to steal or break everything you own that isn’t bolted down (and, preferably, guarded by men with pointy things). I have a great deal of experience in this regard, so perhaps I can offer some advice on adopting a certain… perspective in your dealings with these folk.

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“I wonder … Am I really a bastard or am I just really good at thinking like one?”

– Terry Pratchett, Making Money

The first thing to understand about being in charge of a major corporation is that you are a crook. You live in a world of crooks. Your peers are crooks. Your clients are crooks. The people who are trying to steal your undergarments are, it goes without saying, crooks. In a world where everyone is out to swindle you, the only appropriate response is to set out to swindle them.

The advantage you have here is that, generally, people don’t want to think of themselves as crooks and, by some strange mental arithmetic, this also makes it harder for them to think of you as one. There is nobody as easy to play as someone who thinks they are pulling a scam on you, defenseless corporate rube that you are.

The first step, therefore, is to appear to be honest and upfront in your dealings. Wear a suit, firm handshake, show them your suite of well maintained and NASPCR approved ICE. Convince them that you are not a dirty scoundrel like them. While you do this, watch them. Watch the way their eyes move, what things in your office they glance at, spot the little gleam of greed. See what they want, then go to work. Sell it to them for way more than it’s worth.

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“It was the heart of any scam or fiddle — keep the punter uncertain, or, if he is certain, make him certain of the wrong thing.”

―Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

Most people can spot a deal that’s too good to be true if you play it straight, the key is to play on their sense of opportunity, their greed and their unwholesome desire to take advantage of you. Even wolves will get suspicious of a deer that’s limping so badly it might just be playing hopscotch. But a tiny limp, almost but not quite hidden, and they will descend like, well, like wolves.

There is an innate balance of power here. The harder it is for you to actually carry off a deception, the more your target will be confident in their assumptions about why you’re doing what you’re doing, which makes it easier for you to not do that. The more frustratingly impossible a situation seems, the easier it is to exploit if you keep a cool head and play their expectations. The risks, of course, are great, but a life without danger is a life not worth living…

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That was an important rule of any game: always make it easy for people to give you money.”

―Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

In this case, ‘giving you their money’ is more about spending their time and energy getting what they want in such a way that it profits you more. There’s no point trying to sell someone something they can’t afford. Or, at least, something that they know they can’t afford. This is the essential part of running the con- making it look like a reasonable deal, while you’ve slipped the penny from out under the shells while they were distracted. However, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, even for dirty scoundrels such as our- I mean, yourselves. There has to be some give for you to get the take. Give on your terms and take on your terms, but you’re going to have to make the transactions like it or not. Since the particular kinds of transactions we’re talking about here aren’t the face to face, over the counter, ‘Good morning sir, would you like thirty minute old fries with your processed soyburger?’ kind, your sales pitch is going to have to be subtle, but a sales pitch it none-the-less will be.

You’re also going to have a plan for what you want to give and what you want to take. From what I’ve been told you’re all in the ‘your money or your life’ business, quite commendable, though I’ve always erred towards the money side of the equation myself. In the best schemes, you want to make sure that in advancing your own agenda, you actively take away from your detractors. If in securing your own interests you let them advance theirs too much, you’ll find yourself out of luck and money pretty quick.

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“They’re fascinated, and fascinated people spend money.”

―Terry Pratchett, Raising Steam

The last piece of advice I have to offer today is when you build your con, make sure it flies. It’s hard enough getting them to bite, so when they do you don’t want to be fiddling around with details like where you left the thumbscrews. The longer you have to keep up the pretense the longer they have to catch on and leave you stranded. Sometimes the trick is not so much to prevent them having any escape once the trap is sprung, but to have them become so fascinated with what you’re doing that they don’t see you change tack completely while they aren’t looking and keep on just doing what you want them to do… giving you their money.

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When it comes down to it, you can put in all the hard work and planning, and those are all necessary and valuable, but when it comes down to it, when the sewage hits the wassname, you have to read the cards as they get dealt and not hesitate to try and sell someone a penny for a pound whenever you get the chance. No plan survives first contact with the enemy, but a lick of style and a steady gaze and you can achieve more than you could with a bankful of… what is it you use here?

Credits…

hmmmm…