RALEIGH, NC—Local homophobic man Trent Wesley, 43, announced Friday that any gay players currently on NFL rosters must be completely unknown special teams guys for smaller market teams. “There’s no way it could be a pass-rushing linebacker, high-profile quarterback, or Pro Bowler, for that matter,” said the homophobe, explaining that gay players would lack the strength, speed, and toughness to be NFL starters. “I bet it’s probably a defensive back or long snapper who only gets on the field for punts, or some guy who just blocks on kickoffs. It definitely can’t be a player I’ve heard of. Probably someone on the Jaguars.” When asked to comment, several NFL players reportedly agreed that homophobic opinions on gay athletes like those expressed by Wesley must come from sad, hateful, middle-aged men who fail to realize that their opinion doesn’t mean shit.

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