September 10 2019

Apple iPhone 11 live event Shut your trapple, it's time for APPLE! We're are in a convention center in San Jose or Portland or some hipster DUNPING GROUND.

On stage is Apple CEO Tim Cook who'll be about to present his latest iphone 11!

The audidormium The auditerranean The AldiTorrent THE BIG ROOM is full of "blogers", Instaram "influencers", "tech reporters" and other useless assbirds. Hey maybe how about shovel a shovel or drivel a truck that can actually CONTRIBATE to society. For a change! Here's some reporter from "Buzzfeed", internet website where you can read about Mario Lopez divorce and take Which Disney Principal Are You!? fun quizes.

And there's a reporter from "Buzzfeet", internet database where you can see candid pictures of Toy Stary's Buzz Lightyear in sandals, barefeet or toe slippers ? Wow you sick pupies will crank it to anything I guess. Zero shame. Ya'll SEXIAL DEVIANTS need to start getting to church and accept Jesus in your hearts. That wicked soul of yours ain't isn't going "to infimity and beyond" if you won't stop SPLOGGING on TOY CHARATERS feet I tell you that much! Now CEO Tim Cook gets on the stage and sighs so hard when looking at these hummus-chugging dangleberries with their "MAN BUN" haircuts and "IRONIC" Pop cuture T-Shirts. "Okay so," Timothy Cooks begins, "this new IPHONE 11 is our best iphone yet." Applause plus cheers at this exciting news. "New iphone is 8% THINNER... and Packs MORE PIXELS for the screen!" The crow goes WILD! New device for more thin ! More pexels ! "And finaly... our greatest innovatuon..." Tom Cock teases, " the came ra." Everyone gasps. The camera But what could how Apple even POSIBLY improve last year's DOUBLE CAMERA...?! Tim Crook takes from his pocket an iphone 8. "Look at this disgusting piece of clown trash," he snarks "only ONE CAMERA?! How the fucking HECK am I going to picture take pictures with ONE shifty ass camera??!" and Tim SMASHES the sily use less iphone 8 on the ground. "But then we did make iphone X. Two cameras! Double cams for you gramps! Yes!" The audience claps and cheers for double cameras. "No!" angrey CEO Tim Chook snaps, "No applause. Double camera GARBAGE." And Timon SNASHES the obsolute trash rectangle iphone X on the ground to pieces.

"Now is the future. And the only way to make pictures in the future is.... with THREE cameras." Tim takes THE IPHONE 11 reveal from his pocket. Triple camera! Not two but THREE. 50% camera increase. Apple Computers has DONE it AGAIN. The auditorium goes NUTS. "TIM, TIM, DIM, TIM" everyone chants. So triumphingly holds Tin Cook the new iphone 11 over his head. He does NOT even realize somebody is standing behind him and grabs his wrist... Becase Tim is king of the tech world. Untouch able. Men want to BE him. Women want to give him ALL the hand and foot and blow- "....Jobs?" SNAP!!!!!.! Tim Gook's pathatic thin wrist got cracked like a twig! And it is STEVEN. JOBS. who did this. The crowd goes EPILEPTIC SEIZURE. He's back!

Sad little "cone man" Tim Cook whimpers drops to the ground. Steve Jobs picks up the iphone 11 and looks at it with so much hatred and DISGUEST.... Steve Jobs says this: "Guess this is what you get with too many Cooks in the BITCH EN..." and he CRUSHES the iphone 11 with one hand! Powerful Steve Jobes! "Now are you iFolks ready for some REAL iPhones?" asks Greatest Showman Steve to the roaring crowds. "YEEEAAHHH!!" they reply ecstatic. "Than have a gander at THIS!" Stevie Jobs busts out a brand new device. "The J-Phone!

That's right motherfunners, the OFICIAL SEQEUL to the "i"phone." "What does J stand for" enquires a Buzzfeet reporter. "My favorite things: JOBS, JUGS, JOYRIDES, JAILBAIT" answers Steve Jabs. "Now allow to demonstrate what's new with this bad boy." Steve-o Jobs purposefully steps on Tim Cooks broken wrist. Oh snap(ple)!

"First of all: NO camera. Starting today you'll will be able to ONLY upload sound recordings to Instabram. It's a bold new multimedia paradigm for the FUTURE." Everyone cheers! Dumb cameras are so LAST y'ear! "Next!" Stove Jebs continues, "THREE headphone jacks. That's right. Never should'a taken 'em out in the FIRST place. Triple jacks for you hacks!" People start shrieking Tears flow down faces What IS this even "Next! You are're all familar with Apple 's store... the APP store; now we're finally introduing the LE store!!!" "What's the 'le store'" asks a reporter from Buzzfleet.

"Store to purchase FRENCH WORDS"

"Why would anyone want to-"

"NEXT! Introducing Internet 2!! the sequel to the internet! Only on J-Phone!" bearded man Steve Jobs screams. wait how does that even " NEXT !!! Forget about anti-quaded "Face I.D.". So unsafe. Very unsofaceticated. With J-phone, you unlock your device with BLOOD I.D." Steve Jods slices open his Female Archery on his finger and swipes the bloody mass across the screen. "So simple!" he schreeches "it. just. WORKS." People did stopped applauding now. Worried looks a-plenty as this black turtleneck tech Santa waves a blood soaked rectangle around screaming. "Bluetooth? Get your FUCK out of here. Gold tooth is what're WE dealing with here!"

"Apple Maps now mapped out JUPITER"

"We took Albert Einstein DNA Jurassic Park style made his brain DIGITAL. Now Siri is literally Eimstein. Literally!!!"

"Apple TV has Citizen Kane 2 and 5 new seasons of Firefly"

"Battery life increased 12%

"Front glass ACTUAL DIAMOND" CEO Stewe Jobs is covered in blood and sweaty. All auditorium mouths agape. Nobody moves. "But our GREATEST addition... is the new Apple Unreality™ feature." now hold up Steve "You see this little icon here? The one with the swirling void of nonexistance?" Steve seriously maybe you should not "Just a simgle tap and the Strands of Time and Space shall be unwoven." don't tap it Steve "Satan lured Eve with an apple." bro come on Apples to Apple...." please "Jobs to JOBS" Steve no "It.

Just.

Works."