There's a pleasant whiff of Elmer's glue and hand sanitizer in the air, because it's back to school week at BonAppetit.com. Every day we'll be celebrating the good, not-so-good, and artificially-colored snacks of childhood, school cafeterias, and beyond.

Snacktime is a battleground. On one end stand the nutritionists waving carrot sticks. On the other, children (and adults, if we’re being honest) armed with Snickers and Oreos. Granola bars are trying to sneak in as health food. Smartfood popcorn is lost in a delicious no-man’s land. Abolitionists stand on the sidelines shouting, “Stop snacking!” Meanwhile you’re a reasonable parent looking for reasonable snacks that your kid might actually eat.

“The best snack choices don’t have labels because they’re fresh food,” says Abby Langer , a registered dietitian and mother of two. But Langer isn’t one of the militant carrot-wavers. “I get so tired of hearing about food being ‘toxic,’” she says. “It’s okay to have a Rice Krispies Treat a few times a week. My kids eat ice cream every single day!”

We liked the sound of that so we asked Langer to wade into the fray and grade some of our favorite school snacks (we secretly hoped she’d give Smartfood popcorn a pass.) Turns out she doesn’t grade on a curve.

Courtesy of Sargento

String cheese: People think string cheese is ultra-processed, but guess what, it’s real cheese! Also it’s a great source of protein and calcium, it's portable, and it tastes good. Along with a piece of fruit, it's a great snack. I give it an A+

Peanut butter filled pretzels: You’re going to think I'm crazy because I'm putting these second, but they're actually pretty high in protein and low in sugar. Too bad the ingredients are so low-quality. The peanut butter is rammed with additives and the pretzels are made with refined grains. But even though they're not exactly health food, they’re not as evil as you might think. C+

Courtesy of General Mills

Go-Gurt: I'm putting Go-Gurt third because it's a source of protein and nutrients. It's also a source of sugar, but at least a few of the 9 grams per pouch are naturally-occurring in the milk. Why is there corn starch in these? Still, I'd much rather see a Go-Gurt in a kids' lunch than a chocolate bar. C

Pepperidge Farm

Goldfish: These aren't so unhealthy, they just aren't that healthy. Pathetically low in fiber and with only 3 grams of protein in a serving of 55 crackers, these are the nutritional equal of a piece of paper. Meh. Still, my kids eat them by the pound. C-

Courtesy of SunRype

Fruit leather: Fruit leather is one of those foods like granola and taco salad. People think it's healthy, but it's actually not. Made of pureed and dehydrated fruit, fruit leather has way less fiber than real fruit. It’s also pretty sticky and can give kids cavities. It’s fine to eat, just don’t think it’s the equivalent of giving your kid an apple. C-

Courtesy of PepsiCo.

Smartfood popcorn: I find it sadly hilarious that the nutrition label on Smartfood has the values for the entire package, because it really isn't that difficult to snarf down the whole bag in one sitting. It has only six very-recognizable ingredients, and popcorn is actually a whole grain, so yay! It’s also incredibly delicious. (Ed note: Yes!) Unfortunately, it's really just not that healthy. A 1 3/4 cup serving has 2 grams of protein, 2 grams of saturated fat, and 2 grams of fiber. It's not scary bad, but I give it a D+ . (Ed note: 😢)

Courtesy of Honey Maid

Teddy Grahams: Stop kidding yourself: these are cookies. Low fiber, low protein, and moderately sugary cookies. Nothing to see here people, move along. D

Courtesy of General Mills

Nature Valley Granola bars: I have a ton of clients who come to me for the first time and tell me they eat these granola bars because they think they’re healthy. I have to tell them they’ve been deceived. This brand has plenty of options; each one is worse than the next. Whether it's the original granola bars with their 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and paltry 3 grams of protein, or the Sweet and Salty variety with their palm kernel oil coating and four types of sugar, there's nothing redeeming about them. D-

Courtesy of Kellogg

Those weird crackers with the fake cheese : Um. Are you seriously going to eat something that's a color not found in nature? These glow in the dark, highly processed vending machine staples are to be eaten only when you're in a serious food desert situation. How hard is it to pack yourself some real peanut butter and (non-fluorescent) crackers, anyway? You fail, weird cheese crackers. F

Courtesy of General Mills

Fruit by the Foot: This is the worst thing ever. It isn’t even fruit by the inch because there’s no fruit in it! The first three ingredients are sugar, the rest are fillers. It’s not even food. It’s a simulated food product. Shocking. F- . I'd give it a Z- if I could.

If these were our kids’ report cards, we’d demand better. “I know you're busy. I know it's hard to pack lunches and snacks,” says Langer. She offered some healthier alternatives that actually sound pretty good: dates stuffed with goat cheese, 2% Greek yogurt with pistachios, and cheese and crackers—the real kind. And, she says, we don't have to throw the Smartfood in the trash. "If 80 percent of your diet is healthy, whole, fresh foods, then who cares?"