“At the risk of offending our remote northern neighbors, it’s about Peking time,” said a Chinese diplomat today, as the world’s largest industrialized economy (by output) welcomed the world’s second-largest economy (by self-importance) to the league of nations that approach the future in increments greater than four years.

The diplomat was referring to the fact that Canada reluctantly dragged its oil-soluble economy into the early-20th century yesterday, ushering in a carbon tax – even as the aspirational Conservative party promises to return the nation to whale-fat lamps and coal-fired transit systems, should they be elected in October.

Noting the new tax, China says they’re just glad the world leaders in talking about saving the environment are finally taking baby steps towards actually acting on it.

“If climate change could be stopped by harnessing the power of Canadian politicians, who talk about renewables while at same time underwriting oil sands, well, we’d be living in the most normative weather in the history of atmospheres,” the diplomat stated, rolling his eyes to the point of injury.

“Unfortunately that’s not possible. In much the same way that saying scientific facts out loud, while trying to win a Canadian election, remains a total non-starter.”

In an intriguing twist, addressing man-made climate change has proved surprisingly easy for an emerging economy of 1.4 billion people, while comparatively difficult for a wealthy, well-resourced nation with a government elected in large part on a promise to reduce emissions.

“Look, we aren’t perfect,” a Chinese representative from the powerful Ministry of Bicycles said, in a rare candid moment for someone speaking on behalf of the tightly-controlled nation. “But holy shit Canada, have you had a look around lately? Your forests are burning, your rivers are flooding, your crops are dying, and you’re warming at twice the rate of the rest of the world.”

The bike rep then took a deep breath, before continuing.

“So nice one on the carbon tax guys. Welcome to doing the bare minimum to keep from hotboxing our shared home. Now if we can all just aim a little bit higher.”



