ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

There’s been talk of hosting the 2020 NRL Season on an island. In fact, the ABC’s Dr Norman Swan said on the radio the other day that this is literally the only option should the league proceed with the show this year.

A cruise ship even.

But the NRL should be thinking laterally – and by laterally, we mean west.

Dotted across regional New South Wales and Queensland are towns that could be effectively cut off from the rest of the world while the competition is underway. Some have better services than others, partly because they’re in marginal seats.

But none, in our opinion, are better equipped to host the 2020 NRL Season than Betoota, the Jewel of the Diamantina.

There’s only three roads into Betoota, each of them have bridges. Should the NRL decide our town to be worthy, we will demolish the bridges to keep the world out and the explosive sports entertainment in.

So on behalf of the Betoota Chamber of Commerce, Diamantina Sporting Council, the Betoota Shire Council and several anonymous, wealthy backers, we’d like to formally throw our collective hat into the ring to host the nation’s own Olympics.

First and foremost, our stadium.

Dolphin Park Stadium

The Betoota Dolphins Leagues Club unveils their new “AstroTurf” pitch. PHOTO: Supplied.

While it’s not the largest stadium in our cosmopolitan desert community, it is the only one that is ‘all-weather’.

The ‘AstroTruf’ pitch was installed two years ago thanks to the Betoota Dolphins Leagues Club Building Fund, which was largely made up by the many disability and age pensions fed into the club’s pokie machines over the years. The waterless ground was installed not because of the scarcity of water in the Simpson Desert but because of the Nov-March wet season that sees it rain non-stop for days at a time.

Games can be played on the pitch twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week if need be. It doesn’t wear, according to a local myth. Because of that, NRL Games can be played non-stop until the players begin to breakdown.

Royal Betoota Base Hospital

Our district’s world-class hospital brought to you by the National Party. PHOTO: Supplied.

It would be impossible to have a contact sport competition without a dedicated medical team to put them back together again when they break.

Royal Betoota Base Hospital has specialists, medical imaging and rehabilitation facilities coming out their ears. Whether an injury be a career-ending femur fracture requiring a visit to the orthopaedic surgeons office or just a simple run-on-the-mill ACL repair, the team at RBBH has it covered.

The Old City District

A typical Tuesday night in our town’s Old City District. PHOTO: Supplied.

Betoota’s fabled Old City District was the first European settlement in the area. A large wall was built around the early city to keep Protestants out and their inflated sense of self-worth. It was built by Sir Kevin Overell, the great-great-great-grandfather of The Advocate’s editor, Clancy. As one of the town’s most powerful Prods, Sir Kevin had many attempts on his life by the Free Betoota Army, largely made up of Catholics forced to live outside the city walls. In 1899, Sir Kevin and his entire family were bludgeoned to death with Overell Pastoral Company branding irons. The Free Betoota Army claimed responsibility for the attack which left all by Clancy’s great-great-grandfather alive. He’d recently converted to Catholicism to marry a medicine-ball-headed waitress, who was Catholic. To this day, the Overells are culturally Catholics.

Never the less, because of the very nature of the Old City District, players and their families can be locked inside. There’s many pubs, clubs and hotels that the NRL community could enjoy in the downtime. Sadly for Bulldog players, there are no high schools for them to visit.

We propose that this be the base for the NRL while they occupy Betoota during the regular season.

Betoota Media City

We have a city for Channel Nine and the Telegraph to set up in. PHOTO: Supplied

Home to our town’s broadcast media companies, the Betoota Media City is well equipped to broadcast images of the people’s game around the world. We even have spare office space for the NRL journalists from the Telegraph to use in their never-ending quest to make an absolute cunt of themselves day in day out. The city will provide this free of charge should the NRL decide to take up our town’s offer.

The Betoota Underground Metro

Betoota is the only town in regional Australia that boasts a 728-station mass transit system. Moving players, support staff and media to and from games is not often possible via road due to the frequent dust storms that close the streets. In its place, a world-class metro system. The people of Betoota could also use the metro to attend games to create some semblance of atmosphere for the players. Each stand at Dolphin Park has its own station.

Further details of our town’s bid to host the 2020 NRL Season will be published in this Saturday’s Weekend Advocate.

More to come.