In a revolutionary turn of events. Pope Francis told a speech this morning, in which he announced that he will resign his position- and bestow it upon the animated movie star Shrek. After he saved his life from an assassination attempt.

It was 10:25 am, Rome, Italy. Former Pope Francis was being escorted on foot to the local market, to re-stock St. Peter’s with his branded cereal: “Pope-o’s”. When his security guard spotted a black-cloaked figure atop a bell-tower, loading a sniper rifle. Just when Pope Francis thought his time in this world was over- A familiar green, large, beautiful creature leapt forth majestically from a market stall, threw the assassin’s gun out of the tower- and bellowed his iconic phrase: “What are you doing in my swamp!” In doing so he not only saved a critical religious figure, but inspired an entire generation once more. Thus In that moment. Former pope Francis realised that Shrek was the one truly destined to lead the world into a new age of peace and progress, so he exclaimed: “Behold! For our saviour has come! I am no longer fit for this role. Only He– can do it justice!”

It is common knowledge that Shrek should have been crowned Pope years ago. Need I remind you of the time he brought peace to Russia by way of watching his second film, ending the cold war in a single afternoon? Or when he cured arthritis, the plague and leprosy with one swift clench of his bountiful buttocks? Shrek is not just an icon. But a beacon for social change, a war hero, a celebrated musician and a world-changing philosopher

Simply read one of his many symbolic quotes: “Ogres are like onions. Onions have layers, ogres have layers!” It is obvious that this is a metaphor for his tremendous might. (He is an ogre, so the layers symbolise his great many strengths.) and also the rich nuances of the human condition. Shrek is wise far beyond his years.

As of tomorrow, 2:25 pm. Pope Shrek shall give his first televised declarations as the 267th pope. It will be a glorious day. The song All star by: Smash mouth shall be performed by the world’s finest orchestras. The layers are the answer, may the onions guide us all!

If you are not exited, you do not deserve to breathe.