On Thursday, New York Attorney General (NYAG), Letitia James, also known as “NY’s Baddest Bitch,” finally gave Tether the long dick of the law, resulting in the freefall of crypto prices across the board and proving that Tether was invincible to everything except the wrath of an angry black woman.

Our reporters were also surprised to learn that Letitia James’ son is notable scammer, Treyvon James, who lost all of their money in the BitConnect ponzi scheme and now hides in a witness protection program teaching economics at a local community college in Boca Raton with disgraced CNBC analyst, Tom Lee.

Letitia’s vendetta against crypto scams led her investigation down a rabbit hole to unearth the biggest scam in US history after the Federal Reserve: Tether.

Tether is a fiat-backed stablecoin lead by mysterious iFinex Inc. CEO Jean-Louis van der Velde (which we assume is a fake pseudonym for Tether founder, Phil Potter after our research yielded basically nothing.) iFinex Inc. is the parent company of both Bitfinex Inc., and Tether Ltd. They also operate a whole bunch of other shell companies with periods, dots and commas after their names, making them sound official and like they are not stealing your money.

Jean-Louis Van Der Velde or Phil Potter?

This is all we could find online.

Photo Courtesy of…?

Tether, which has a market cap of almost $3 billion has been the most popular stablecoin over the past few years, outperforming rivals USDC, Gemini Dollars, and JPM Coin. It has been used as a substitute to dollars on crypto exchanges that don’t have banking relationships because they’re too shady so people don’t have to switch into fiat. Almost 80% of all Bitcoin trading and 100% of money laundering is done in Tether so naturally it’s what most Crypto exchanges use.

“I have personally checked the financials. Everything is under control.”

Bitcoin Judas Roger Ver

Photo Courtesy of YouTube.

Tether is one of the top five cash-flowing companies in Crypto. They make 3-5% interest on the $2 billion of customers money they hold hostage, with little to no operating expenses. The “stablecoin” that they issue is pegged 1:1 to the dollar, not accounting for any of this additional interest they capture. Hence, the obvious reason why every scammer, their mother, and Brian Armstrong tried creating a stablecoin in 2018; free interest on other people’s money.

Tether has been long accused by Twitter troll “Bitfinex’ed” for operating a fractional reserve and not being backed by sufficient funds. Over the past year, Tether has received a notorious reputation for being untrustworthy because the circulating supply of Tether Dollars (USDT) increased exponentially and the company wasn’t allowing third parties to audit its fiat reserves held in shady offshore banks, leading to suspicion that it was printing USDT. This caused USDT to lose its peg to the US dollar on multiple occasions over widespread fear that it could be insolvent. It’s also been speculated that the reason Bitcoin rose to $19k in 2017 could have been because it was a giant pump and dump scheme fueled by Bitfinex using printed Tether dollars to buy up the orderbook.

We knew something was wrong when Roger Ver reassured our reporters that everything was fine and told us that Mt. Gox CEO, Mark Karpeles was in charge of auditing Tether.

We’re honored to work alongside Letitia James, the great state of New York, and our self interests, to make Gemini the global hub for Crypto and Bitcoin price discovery. We are working with our competitors at the NYSE, Circle, and JP Morgan to provide clear regulation so that retail investors feel comfortable giving us their money. We would like to thank everyone once again for giving us one more opportunity to stick it in Zuckerberg’s ass. Mazeltov.” Cameron Winklevoss (the dominant twin)

“We’re not sure which one is Cameron to be honest.”

Photo Courtesy of Blokt

Our reporters learned that Tether held their “reserves” in several shady banks scattered across various island countries. They originally started in Puerto Rico with Noble Bank (it wasn’t), run by infamous child star Brock Pierce. The relationship was severed in October 2019 after Tether received numerous complaints about the uncomfortably large amount of EOS interns employed by the bank. Tether later struck up a banking relationship in the Bahamas with Deltec Inc., an independent financial services group that delivers bespoke solutions for enterprising criminals.

The operation ran smoothly until 2018 when Tether’s sister company, Bitfinex Inc., gave $850 million to the corrupt third-party payments processor, Crypto Capital Corp Inc., a Panama based mafia bank that promised to handle Bitfinex’s customer withdrawals because they were unable to secure banking relationships due to their lack of KYC checks. What they didn’t take into account is that Panama isn’t exactly a trustworthy place to park a bunch of legally grey cash made through semi-criminal activity.

Crypto Capital claimed that the $850 million “vanished,” and when questioned more deeply, simply responded, “Magic.” Our reporters learned that the $850 million was seized and “safeguarded” by government officials who wanted their cut of the illicitly gained internet money.

Bitfinex has been unsuccessfully working to get this money back. They deny that the funds have been lost permanently but we know that Crypto Capital is the same bank behind QuadrigaCX, the failed Canadian exchange whose CEO infamously exit scammed into the afterlife after eating some spicy vindaloo in India and coming down with a case of life-ending explosive diarrhea (we’re not kidding.) Our reporters have always wondered whether Indian food could kill, and we can now definitively answer: yes. We got sidetracked — what we’re trying to say is that yes, Crypto Capital totally stole the money.

To quietly cover up the $850 million hole on their balance sheet, Bitfinex raided Tether’s reserves in the Bahamas, and took out a $700 million line of credit, payable in three years. Assuming that nobody would notice that $700 million had gone missing, Tether secretly changed their Terms of Service to say “…the reserves backing USDT may not be entirely composed of fiat currency and may also include cash equivalents, assets, and receivables…,” a move so boneheaded it ranks up there with refilling your parents’ vodka bottle with water. Our reporters were not surprised to uncover that Tether had replaced the missing reserves with whatever they had lying around the offices: Bitconnect tokens, Basis SAFTs, Crypto Kitties, imaginary shares in their parent company iFinex Inc., and random bits of string, hoping that nobody would notice.

“Where there is smoke there is fire.”

Photo Courtesy of Some Meme Dog

Coin Jazeera has concluded that Tether is not fully backed and neither is Bitfinex. Forensic analysis has uncovered that the two companies are just as screwed as people thought they were. Bitfinex lost $850 million of their clients’ money, lied about it, and then tried covering it up by silently siphoning a quarter of Tether’s cash reserves, and even lied about that too. We’re waiting for the day when they try to market “74% backed stablecoins” as the next big thing, but until then, the reality is that Tether and Bitfinex are massively insolvent.

Our reporters couldn’t help but wonder if Tether’s trouble getting their money back was part of a much larger conspiracy. We had questions. What if the United States government had orchestrated this entire mess? What if the US government had seized the $850 million from Crypto Capital so that the NYAG could one day shut down Tether? What if the United States did this so that their central bank stablecoins could succeed instead of an offshore option like Tether?

“If you see a 404 Bad Gateway on the site…we were right.”

Photo Courtesy of whoever invented Emojis.

We sent our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille to New York City to uncover more information. What we learned shocked us. NYAG Letitia James had joined forces with the Federal Reserve to assist them in their decade-long plan to regulate and control Crypto. They have formed a breakaway think tank led by Circle CEO Jeremy Allaire, JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon, and the Winklevoss twins. Their nefarious plan to control crypto began in 2015 with the New York State Department of Financial Services’ (NYDFS) creation of the BitLicense, a special permit that allows Cryptocurrency exchanges to exist in New York and allows the illuminati to choose who they put in power with the goal of replacing Tether’s fractional reserve system with their own fractional reserve system. An egregious mandate that caused the only exchange with a fraction of integrity left, Kraken, to drop all New York business and retreat to San Francisco, a decision they instantly regretted after their staff were immediately accosted by the homeless as soon as they returned.

The current phase of the plan is to sabotage Tether and replace it with Coinbase promoted and bank-owned centralized stablecoins like Goldman Sach’s Circle (USDC), JP Morgan’s JPM Coin, and the Gemini Dollar. Also allowed to exist is the “Paxos Standard,” a rarely discussed stablecoin used by Eastern European scammers and run by enigmatic CEO Charles “Chad” Cascarilla and Letitia’s son Treyvon after he got out of jail.

The endgame of the Federal Reserve and New York’s plan is to create a blanket surveillance network. There is already a backdoor installed into centralized bank stablecoins that allows addresses to be blacklisted and have funds frozen in order to comply with Bank Secrecy Act (BSA) and Anti-Money Laundering (AML) laws.

Our reporters have concluded that every centralized stablecoin is inevitably going to end up as a fractional reserve. The banks claim that their own stablecoins are safer alternatives to Tether because they are backed by USD held in a bank in the United States, rather than held in some underage brothel run by a Burning Man camp in Puerto Rico. The only difference between Tether and a centralized bank alternative is that Tether isn’t FDIC insured and the government won’t bail them out like they bailed out the banks in 2008. With that said, both choices are evil.

“I swear we’re fully backed.”

Tether Founder & Chief Strategy Officer Phil Potter

(AKA Jean-Louis van der Velde)

Photo Courtesy of Disney

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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