‘My Name Is Rudolph Giuliani, And I Was Born In East Flatbush In 1944’


WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a scratch and start fresh from the beginning: My name is Rudolph Giuliani, and I was born in East Flatbush in 1944,” said the former New York City mayor, staring off into the distance while calmly and carefully recalling his childhood and teen years growing up in Brooklyn during a new 45-hour appearance on Meet The Press wherein he attempted to iron out whatever details had been left murky by any of his previous statements to the media without mentioning any specifics that would further imply the guilt of his client, Donald Trump. “I was a quiet, skinny kid from a hardworking blue-collar family. I was raised Roman Catholic and attended the Roman Catholic School St. Anne’s. It’s hard to believe a child from such humble origins would end up making his living working for the president of the United States and ensuring that his reputation is protected at any cost—actually, sorry, let’s start over again.” At press time, Giuliani was halfway through his sixth straight retelling of the events of his toddler years.