Irish Socialism: You have two cows. They don’t get along. They each claim their milk is the best in the country. But neither of them has ever produced any milk.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You eat both. You ask the EU to lend you two more cows. You again eat both. The EU calls you to ask why you’ve not fulfilled your milk quota. You stall them and ask the IMF for two more cows. Once again, you eat both. The EU and the IMF then come to Dublin looking for their milk. You’re out shopping at a Bulgarian Property Expo.

Irish Libertarianism: You have two cows. You demand that everyone else be issued with two cows. But only after you’ve sold one cow, bought a bull, increased your herd and got a Government contract to supply cows.

Fine Gael: You have two cows. You sell one cow and force the other cow to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you commission an enquiry into the cow’s death.

Fianna Fáil: You have two cows. You kill them. You get two more cows and promise this time it will be better. You kill them, again.

Sinn Féin: You have two cows. You’d like to grow your herd, but nobody will sell you a bull.

The Social Democrats: You have two cows. You used to have three.

The Labour Party: You have two cows. You gave them to Fine Gael in 2011. Five years later, you asked for them back. They don’t respond to your request. You ask the public for two new cows. They don’t respond to your request.

AAA/PBP: You have two cows. You give them to the party and then demand the Government give you two more.

The Green Party: You have two cows. You love them.

Neoliberalism: You have two cows. They are very attractive but their milk is conservative and bland.

Simon Coveney: You have two cows. You sell three of them to Greencore. You then execute a debt for equity swap, ensuring you the rights to four cows.

You then sell the milking rights of five cows via an intermediary to a holding company based in Luxembourg, who then issue you a deed for six cows.

Your annual report says you own seven cows, with the option of two more.

Meanwhile, your two cows are living in emergency accommodation.

Gerry Adams: You have two cows. No one buys your milk. But that’s not the substantive issue…

Catherine Murphy: You have two cows. If it wasn’t for Dáil privilege no one would have known how they’d been treated.

Brendan Howlin: You have two cows. You decreased their feed and demand they produce more milk. One dies and the other emigrates and is forced to work as a horse. You blame socialism.

Paul Murphy: You have two cows. You organise a sit down protest, block all the roads and demand you get three cows over a megaphone.

Micheál Martin: You have two cows. You eat one and milk the other. You then throw the milk away, because Paul Murphy got elected on a promise to be lactose intolerant.

Enda Kenny: You have two cows. Forty-two years later you discover one of them is a donkey.

Tony Groves is a full-time financial consultant and part-time commentator. He has over 18 years’ experience in the financial industry and a keen interest in politics. This article first appeared on www.broadsheet.ie

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Overzealous officials down under