Washington D.C.—

The split between Donald Trump and Stephen Bannon documented in Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury, in which Mr. Bannon implied Donald Trump Jr. will “split like an egg” over his Russian collusion—among other salacious details listed at the President’s expense—has dominated political media all week.

Now that the divorce between Mr. Trump and his former senior adviser is apparently complete, the two have entered a fierce custody battle over who gets the Alt-Right Nazi children they’ve raised throughout the duo’s racist, marriage in the White House. Both have taken to cable news to disparage the other’s parenting skills.

“Donald Trump is showing clear signs of dementia,” explained Mr. Bannon in an NBC interview yesterday, “And is clearly not in any shape to have custody of the neo-Nazi movement. And besides, I did most of these kids’ raising. My site Breitbart News has helped them grow from disgruntled, sexist video gamers into the proud, white supremacist Nazi men they are today. Look at Trump’s first children. They’re all soft. Don Jr. and Eric are total sissies. And it was my career that provided for our Nazi family. I created this contemporary movement of white supremacy, Donald is just trying to take credit for it, as always. That is so like him.”

Mr. Trump disagrees with that sentiment, and told the Fox & Friends hosts last night that Bannon has a drinking problem and that the Nazi children would not be safe living with the Breitbart CEO.

“When Steven drinks—I hate to say it—but he gets violent,” Trump said. “He becomes a monster. He’s raised his fists against me and the Nazi children too many times to count. So many times. I try to calm him down, but it’s just impossible. He comes home late at night spending the family’s money on a bender just looking for trouble. I do what I can to shelter the Alt-Right babies since they’re so fragile, but they’re old enough now that they try to step in and intervene. Then Steve makes them choose between a belt and an old, highlighted copy of Mein Kampf for their beatings. In the morning he of course doesn’t remember anything, but I just cannot stress enough that Steve is an abusive, unloving man. Our sex life has been nonexistent for years.”

Mr. Bannon has taken to calling President Trump an “ice queen c***” on Twitter and in Breitbart News articles.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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