In olden days, my kind was common: principled conservatives with the courage to stand up for what was right. We rallied around the limp banners of such dull men as Mitt Romney and Lindsey Graham. Yet today those boring titans have fallen to the Great Menace. I am the last of the #NeverTrumpers, doomed to wander these lands alone, bearing the weight of what we once stood for on my sloped, besuited shoulders. All I have left is my untarnished, unimpeachable integrity. And my Op-Ed column. And my paid speaking fees. And my (“significant”) book deal.

Tell your children of my heroism.

I travel the lonely path between CNN and MSNBC to the East and various podcasts to the West, repeating my sacred message: “Donald Trump is very uncouth. This is not who we are. Follow me on Twitter. Book is out June, 2019.” And, if I have any time left over, I’ll also maybe toss out a list of countries that I think we should be bombing. (Hint: there are a lot!) To our eternal shame, my #NeverTrumper brethren and I failed in our quest to stop Donald Trump from becoming President, so ceaseless media appearances are my somber duty now. Though, occasionally, I do have to go back to D.C., because I guess I’m still technically in the Senate until the end of the year or whatever.

Once I am gone, #NeverTrumpism shall go with me. And so I would like to set out the tenets of our noble cause for posterity, in the hope that some brave, future generation of Young Republicans will one day raise our mantle again!

We the #NeverTrumpers oppose Donald Trump because:

Donald Trump is a bigot. We merely believe that multiculturalism, affirmative action, and identity politics have gone too far. Also that Santa is white.

Donald Trump wants to use all of the government’s power to help his rich friends through illegal graft and corruption. We want to use all of the government’s power to help our rich friends through legal tax cuts and union busting.

Donald Trump believes that N.F.L. players should be barred from protesting during the national anthem. We believe that N.F.L. players are allowed by the First Amendment to protest, but that they shouldn’t do it because everything is fine.

Donald Trump wants to destroy Obamacare because of his unreasonable hatred of his predecessor. We want to destroy Obamacare because poor people don’t deserve it. If they wanted medicine they shouldn’t have wasted all their money on food and shelter.

Donald Trump wants to pack our federal courts with unqualified ideologues, which is awesome but he shouldn’t have affairs or say cuss words.

Donald Trump once said that the Iraq War was a bad idea, which is obviously just insane.

The twilight of my political career draws nigh. I have only a few months of my Senate term left before I join my fallen #NeverTrumper comrades in the Halls of Valhalla (i.e. become a lobbyist). And so I now must ask myself if there is anything more I might have done. Should I have called for impeachment? Should I have voted against Trump’s agenda more than four per cent of the time? Should I have exercised subpoena power to get his tax returns? To contemplate what might have been is folly. But let me reassure you that I fought the Beast the very best way I knew how: with snarky background quotes and tweets where I didn’t @ him.

All of this and more will be in my forthcoming book. Plus, there is a really juicy anecdote about a time when I was all, like, “Mr. President, this is not who we are!” and he didn’t actually hear me, but if he had he would have been really pissed. Please pre-order, won’t you? It may be the last chance to save our Republic.