“So, there’s another unrelated diddler in the mix?“

With It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia‘s record-tying fourteenth season set to begin on September 25th, I thought I’d build up to it by reviewing my five favourite episodes, talking about the premises, moments and quotes that make these stand out above others.

The third episode of season seven is one of few Sunny episodes that has had me in actual tears from laughing. After meeting a strange man at a strip club and arranging to host a beauty pageant, Frank becomes stressed at the thought of being arrested for “being a diddler” when it’s revealed to be a child’s pageant, and his paranoia throughout the entire episode makes for one of Danny DeVito’s finest performances in the show. Needless to say, it’s not just DeVito’s acting that puts this one in my top five, but the other four members of The Gang who shine in an episode full of fantastic writing and brilliant moments of creativity.

The episode opens with the other four members already in conversation, with Dennis correcting somebody about why there’s never been a king in America. We don’t know the context behind this and once Frank runs in and trips up it isn’t brought up again, it’s simply just this episode’s first example as to the strange topics of conversation that take place in Paddy’s Pub. After the story reveal and credits sequence, we’re treated to a rare occurrence of Frank praising Dee about her efforts as a child to compete in pageants herself, but as you’d expect he manages to throw a dig in there by calling her a ‘dog’ (both then and now). It’s not one of the funniest moments of the episode, but Dee’s gratitude to his backhanded compliment is equally touching and tragic. With The Gang agreeing to go all in on the pageant because of them being an “American tradition” and the five starting a “U.S.A.!” chant to motivate themselves, the planning begins.

How does it begin? That’s right, it begins with Frank telling the parents “I’m not gonna diddle ya kids“. It’s funny, but as the episode progresses these paranoid comments become even more hilarious, such as the one moments later when he – with a face covered in blood – seriously asks Dee, “Do I look suspicious?“. Her response is a mixture of shocked and disgusted at him even asking. While this is going on, it feels like we’re seeing the actual creative process for the episode when we cut to Charlie, Dennis and Mac working on a song for the show in the back-office. It’s a nice tease to their excellent song and dance number later on, but to keep us satisfied for the time being, Frank gives us a Sunny moment for the ages with his song about “how we do definitely not diddle kids”. The song is spectacular, and it’s arguably made better (albeit not by much) by Mac immediately telling Charlie, “don’t write a song about that“, in response.

Once Dee pins everything onto Frank to Walter, of the Family Association for the Protection of Children, we see Charlie teaching the children how to perform – where Charlie learnt this skill is unexplained and left open to our imaginations – and Dee talking to two of the girls to get herself involved in the show. If you haven’t seen this episode and are wondering, yes, both Charlie and Dee get annoyed and rant at the kids in these respective scenes. Let’s be honest though, it would be more unusual if they didn’t. As is the case in “The Gang Gets Trapped” and the rest of the season, we get a scene dedicated to Mac’s obesity in this episode – though it’s not as prominent – with him wheezing while munching on pizza to the disgust of Charlie and Dennis. Once you’re laughed out at this, make sure to check out the episode’s outtakes on YouTube where you can see Day, Howerton and McElhenney struggling to compose themselves during this. Along with highlighting Mac’s mass, this particular scene is important in bringing attention to the one boy involved in the pageant. It’s a learning experience for the three whose beliefs that he was forced into this are changed when he shows his extreme enthusiasm for song and dance and they realise boys can like pageants as well. Of course, any personal growth is immediately negated with them deciding to rig the competition so he can win, as long as they update the song, “Yankee Doodle Dandy”, that he’s dancing and singing along to.

Almost right away on the night of the pageant comes the moment that had me laughing so hysterically, and that’s Frank’s mortician applied makeover to hide his bruises. He looks both reminiscent of himself as The Penguin in Batman Returns and, as Mac puts it, like he’s at his own wake. For as entertaining as all of these other scenes and quotes are, this and his “oh, that’s it, I’m done, I’m goin’ away” when the police arrive at the end of the episode are the two details that cement this as an easy favourite. Mind, I’d like to think that even without them this one would still stand out courtesy of the “Magic’s in the Air” performance from Charlie, Mac, Dee and Dennis. From the “Skeedy-bows” to Mac’s jumper being too small, the only thing “The Nightman Cometh” has that this doesn’t is the costumes – this episode even excels “The Nightman Cometh” in the cringe category from Dee who balances the comedy of the previous song with her “Mom’s Stink”, performed alongside one of the young girls. Having said all of that, Frank scuttling out after “Magic’s in the Air”, looking how he does is something truly remarkable. And from this point on he goes all in with the paranoia: “Which one of these talented entertainers… who I am not attracted to at all!“

So, we’ve had two songs, one funny, one cringey, now it’s time for a combination of the two with a boatload of awkwardness. “PEOPLE OF EARTH, PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE OF PATRIOTISM!”. Where do you even start with this? You’ve got a remixed version of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” with interpolated quotes such as, “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!“, a boy dressed in Apollo Creed’s Rocky IV entrance attire doing the exact same dance as in the bar, oblivious to the weirdness, and Charlie, Dennis and Mac in unzipped yellow jumpsuits leaping up and down just like you would at a rave: “Someone should’ve worn a shirt, right?” – “Probably the kid“.

While the final stretch of the episode features the real ‘diddler’ being arrested and Frank thinking the police are coming for him, other than his above-mentioned comment of surrender, the last of my favourite moments includes something I realised only recently that makes it even funnier to me. When Frank asks the mortician if he “bangs the dead bodies“, I couldn’t stop laughing at the thought of the audience potentially thinking this has been pre-recorded to play during an interval by this strange host until he realises his mic is on. Still paranoid, Frank blames the janitor for the mistake and like the out of touch racist he is, he has to mention that he’s a Puerto Rican guy under the belief that the audience will then understand.

As you can see, there are so many scenes and quotes in “Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties” to put this up there with the very best of Sunny – there’s loads more I haven’t even talked about and the show does a good job of highlighting what’s wrong with the parents who force their children into beauty pageants and how serious they’re treating the actual show. With the confusion and disgust towards the chaotic involvement of The Gang put aside, most of the children’s performances are really well received making the Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties pageant just a big failure, not a total one.

Rating: 9.75/10