Hi there, I see you are on Quickplay and you’re looking to have a good time. I regret to inform you that you will not be having a good time and it is because of me. My name is Thom Samusson and I’m only on quickplay right now to make you suffer.



I have just clocked out of my job, but rest assured, my job is not done until I have unplugged my ethernet cord from Switch, booted up my Super Smash Bros. Ultimate cartridge, opened up Quickplay, selected Samus, and used tantric meditation to find the exact time I need to queue up to meet with you. Our destiny is a cosmic one and I will make sure it is fulfilled.



My job is not over until I have tucked myself into the corner of Final Destination and started sending a rain of projectiles your way. You will jump and I will forward air you for it. You will shield and I will tether grab you for it. Whether ahead or behind or dead even, you will suffer. These things are written in the stars.



At first glance, it may seem that I am just a fairly high GSP Samus main with a very mediocre connection but the matter is not so simple. My actions are not the accidental hackery of a thirteen year old Pac-Man main who could not get the big TV for their games. My actions are born from pure intention, a raw will that I’ve exercised into a form that is beautiful and also really, really frustrating.



My connection is not simply bad, for then you may feel such immediate pain that you flee, as though you were a caveman touched by fire. You run off the edge three times and end our chance encounter all too early. No, my connection feels doable in those first thirty seconds. But then, as you near me, as you break down my wall of projectiles, as you come so close to the hit that you can taste it, you lag in the initial frames of the animation. I shield and as soon as you touch me, I hit you with a screw attack that resets the entire situation.

You will now endure full minutes of a neutral game filled with projectiles that you just can’t quite react to. I want to stress that you may win. You may knock me off the stage three times but you will not have fun. My DI is absolutely fucking incredible and I will live for so long. I know of your kill confirms and I have put more practice into avoiding them than I may have put into anything else. I will not approach any more than I absolutely must to extend our meeting together. This will not be a game. It will be work.



If you do happen to lose the match, understand that I will not rematch. You will hold that L.

After hearing my mission you must be wondering why I am doing all of this. Do I hate you? No, I do not hate you, I don’t even know you. My mission is not born from the fires of hate but the cold wasteland of indifference. I cannot see your face and it makes what I am going to do so much easier. Rest assured, were you sitting next to me, I would be doing none of this. I sometimes go to locals and my offline Samus is super sick and not campy.

Do I hate myself? Do others hate me? Though my mission here would suggest otherwise, the circumstances of my life are great. I love myself and the people around me love me as well. I work in a career that satisfies me, I have a beautiful spouse, and we have a child on the way. I am a known figure in my community and many people take joy in the simple interactions they have with me. There is no secret storehouse of hate in my mind.



Is it my cosmic destiny to do this? Perhaps. After all, my real, Christian name is Thom Samusson, a fact that feels too insane to be coincidence. Sometimes it does feel like I’m possessed when I pick up the controller. It feels like my mind leaves my body and I may not even be a human in that moment, simply a raw and ugly force of nature. My spouse does not talk to me when I play because I rarely respond.



All of this could simply be my destiny but I do not want that to rob me of the agency I have in your suffering. I could forsake this path. I could put down this controller. I could plug in my ethernet adapter. I could play in a way where we could both enjoy ourselves. I could even be in Elite Smash if I played as though I had compassion.



If this is my destiny, then I choose to accept it. I do not want you to suffer often. I do not want you to lead an unhappy, unrequited life. But right now, at this moment, I want you to be so, so, so fucking mad.

My name is Thom Samusson and I’m only on Quickplay right now to make you suffer. This experience will take less than ten minutes but it will feel like an eternity. You will never see my face and I will never see yours, but we are close. Tied together by the strands of an indifferent fate, we are so very close in this moment that we could be one.

Oh, and by the way, I’m gonna teabag the shit out of you when you SD.

[This is a joke piece. Thom Samusson is not real and cannot hurt you. This also isn’t meant to be a secret commentary on wifi Samuses or whatever. Many zoner mains have the highest honor and the best connections. This is just a fun dip into absurdity.]

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