“Well, if you must know, I am actually one of his best friends. I have been for over ten years, and for about five years, I’ve been running several bicycle stores for my grandfather until he decided to officially hand the reins over to me two years ago. Because my grandpa knows that I, a college student, am the best person to run a chain of stores. I, despite my appearance, now own several lovely bike shops that cater to every American of every transportation-orientation…”

At this point “America the Beautiful” is blasting throughout the entire block and the clerk is sweating nervously, on the verge of tears.