The script for Michael Cohen’s opening statement to Congress on Wednesday is basically the shorter, less well written version of “Fire and Fury.”

CNN is naturally on fire ahead of the testimony, calling Cohen’s opener “damaging,” “stunning” and “shocking.” Perhaps it would be those things, if the public hadn’t already heard almost all of Cohen’s claims before, or if those claims weren’t in some cases just explicitly stupid.

Cohen is expected to say at the start, “Never in a million years did I imagine, when I accepted a job in 2007 to work for Donald Trump, that he would one day run for President, launch a campaign on a platform of hate and intolerance, and actually win.”

And yet later on, he calls Trump “a man who ran for office to make his brand great …”

Yes, of course! marketing executives around the globe must be saying right now. Let’s make our brand “great” by emphasizing “hate and intolerance!"

Cohen, Trump’s former gofer, is supposed to admit in his remarks that he never saw any proof or even evidence that the president’s 2016 campaign coordinated with Russia to influence the election. But he will at least keep hope alive in hearts at CNN by saying he has “suspicions.”

He’ll also call Trump a “racist,” a “con man,” and a “cheat,” summarizing Mitt Romney’s scorching 2016 speech that sank the Trump campaign. No, wait a second -- I'm being told that it didn't work, and that Trump went on to win the election. Never mind.

Cohen will say he was in the room in 2016 when Trump took a call from his longtime adviser Roger Stone, who alerted then-candidate Trump that he had had phone calls with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and that a cache of hacked emails damaging to Hillary Clinton would soon be public. This claim implies that the FBI, House, Senate and all of the news media have been searching for clues that Trump knew about the email hacks, and yet the first we’re hearing about it is from Cohen, who is just about to go to prison?

The simpler explanation is better: Cohen is desperate and bitter. The media are trying to polish the turd of his credibility by noting he has “nothing to lose” in telling the truth. That’s true, but people who shoot themselves after committing mass murder having nothing to lose, either.