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Joel Osteen Vigorously Attempting To Shove Camel Through Eye Of Needle

[News Brief]

Just days after refusing to offer shelter at his megachurch to victims of Hurricane Harvey, popular pastor Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church in Houston was seen vigorously attempting to shove a camel through the eye of a needle.

In a post on Twitter Saturday, Osteen said he was praying for those affected by the storm, and asked Christians to pray for him to gain eternal life.

“We all know how difficult it is to gain salvation,” Osteen said. “I ask all those attempting to find refuge or lost family members in this trying time to just take a moment to pause and to pray that I can get this camel through this thing.”

Osteen went on to say that, “although the task of shoving this 6’6, 1,200 pound camel through the needle’s eye seems hopeless, we must never forget that we can do all things in Christ who strengthens us. I think that’s how it goes, at least—been years since I last picked up a bible. Now get in there you humpy sonofabitch!”

At presstime, Osteen has agreed to open up his church to victims of Harvey, and to allow them to make installment payments for up to 6 months with no money down and no interest for their stay.