RED TAPE, WHITE LIES



What is the most embarrassing incident to have occurred in diplomatic or political circles? Saul Cohen, London UK My vote goes to George Bush Snr. for chundering on the Japanese Prime Minister in 1991. Justin Rigden, Adelaide Australia Spoilt for choice, really. If we're talking about embarrassment in the sense of "cringingly face-reddening", rather than "shaming"; if we're talking about comic rather than tragic, there was a spell when Gerald Ford seemed unable to exit a plane without falling down the stairs. (qv LBJ's remark: "Jerry Ford played too much college football without a helmet") Even the assassination attempts had a comic patina to them (who can imagine an assassin called Squeaky Fromme?) Jimmy Carter, a decent man, had his moments too, the most surreal of which was his account of repelling - with an oar - an allegedly rabid rabbit which attacked his canoe. I mean, OK, these things happen. Very rarely, but they happen. What you don't do is tell anyone about them. Especially if you're leader of the allegedly free world. I haven't the energy to go into Reagan. Besides, the man was unembarrassable. Bush Snr's highlight was probably throwing up on the Japanese Prime Minister. Prior to fainting. On TV. Bill Clinton ... what is it about these Great Communicators? Have they no shame? A smile and a wink, and in one bound he's free. Which brings us to Dubya. We could be in for four vintage years. Mark Power, Dublin Two attempts by American Presidents to express their solidarity with Europeans produced risible results. In June 1963, John F. Kennedy stood at the Berlin Wall and intoned, "Ich bin ein Berliner," which translates as "I am a cream bun." In December 1977, Jimmy Carter gave a speech in Poland which included the sentence, "I want to know the Polish people." When this was rendered into Polish, the word "know" was mis-translated so that Carter was quoted in the Polish media as having said, "I want to have carnal knowledge of the Polish people." Peter Post, Boston USA What about our PM Paul Keating copping a feel of HM Queen Elizabeth a few years ago? The Lizard of Oz indeed! Gertie, Sydney Australia Peter Post is mistaken. A Berliner is a jam doughnut, not a cream bun. Still an excellent story though. Jim Burfield, The Hague Netherlands Mr Burfield is mistaken. I lived and worked for over a decade in Germany. I am married to a German and we own a house in Germany. Over the years I have eaten many a Berliner and they were all filled with cream, not jam. Peter Post, Boston USA I remember watching a programme about the run up to the Olympic Games. They were training some people as hosts and were telling them what not to do. In this case they were told never to do the O sign with thier hand (where you touch the end of your thumb and forefinger together to form the letter O). This is apparently an insult in some countries. The story goes that one vice president famously, when stepping off a plane to an official welcoming party, did this not just with one hand but with both. It is the equivalent of Tony Blair (UK Prime Minister) going to the US, stepping off the plane, and extending both middle fingers with a big grin on his face. MartianLM, London You could always look for quotes by the charming man the Queen married. His racism is legendary with such clangers as - When visiting a factory he saw a fuse box with wires sticking out and it was obviously a bit dodgily wired. He said that it looked like it had been put up by an Indian (as in Pakistani). Unfortunately that's the only one I can remember, but he has made many such statements. Martian LM, London Response to (drunk) Labour Foreign Secretary (1966-68) George Brown at diplomatic reception: I shall not dance with you for three reasons. First because you are drunk, second, because this is not a waltz but the Peruvian national anthem and third, because I am not a beautiful lady in red; I am the Cardinal Bishop of Lima. Stan Faller, London In 1888 the Murchinson Letter Affair caused a diplomatic uproar. A presidential election (Harrison vs Cleveland) was underway that year. An American calling himself Murchinson wrote to Sir Lionel Sackville-West, the English Ambassador, to ask which candidate Sir Lionel preferred. In an act of folly, the ambassador replied, advising Murchinson to vote for Cleveland while making disparaging remarks about Harrison. The letter was published and the United States Department of State accused Sackville-West of interference in its internal affairs and insisted that Her Majesty?s government recall the Ambassador. Peter Post, Boston USA Then there was the time when an ambassador to the Court of (I think) George II was wearing breeches so tight (as was then fashionable) that when he bent in a low bow he gave a whole new meaning the expression " presenting his credentials". Alan Mills, Alne UK In John Aubrey's Brief Lives is the story of the Earl of Oxford, who bowed deeply to the first Queen Elizabeth and accidentally farted. Overcome with shame he vanished from court and spent seven years travelling. On his hesitant return, the queen greeted him with: "My Lord, I had forgott the Fart." John, Wellington New Zealand If historical examples are acceptable, I nominate the "Zimmermann Telegram" of 1917. Prior to re-starting unrestricted submarine, warfare which had the strong possibility of bringing the United States into WWI, the German government proposed an alliance with Mexico where Mexico would regain some territory lost to the USin the Mexican-American War (1846-1848): Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. (California, which was also taken from Mexico in that war was NOT offered to Mexico probably because Germany intended to offer it to Japan in exchange for abandoning the Allies.) The telegram was intercepted and de-coded by both US and UK intellegence and released to the American public. Along with the resumption of unrestricted submarine warfare, the telegram brought the US into the war. Not only was the telegraph monumentally embarrassing for Germany, it perhaps was the stupidist diplomatic action ever. Russian was about to withdraw completely from the war and Germany was able to shift most of their Eastern armies to to the Western Front. For all the valor and sacrifice of the French, British, Italians, Belgians, and ANZACS, there can be little doubt that without the support of the newly arrived American Expeditionary Force, that the Central Powers would have prevailed. Here's the decoded and translated telegram: "http://www.nara.gov/education/teaching/zimmermann/telegram.jpg" David Dreaming Bear, Horsethief Canyon, California USA When Dan Quayle corrected the spelling of "potato" to "potatoe" for a primary school child on national TV. Come to think of it, Dan Quayle as vice president of the USA... Michelle Groarke, Munich Germany I recall a funny incident from the 1989 Commonwealth Summit in Kuala Lumpur, during which Margaret Thatcher handbagged all the other heads of government, some 50 or so, by issuing a decree in which she vowed her government would have nothing to do with a collective economic boycott of apartheid South Africa. Copies of her acidic statement blasting the rest of the Commonwealth as a collection of spineless hypocrites was duly distributed to the media by her press secretary, Bernard Ingham. But one man taken unawares, however, was Thatcher's newly-minted foreign secretary, who learned of what she had just done while being interviewed on-air by a BBC radio reporter. Major put his hands over the microphone before him and whispered to the reporter that he didn't know anything about what Thatcher had just done, and that this was the first he'd heard of it. Dave Todd, Ottawa Canada At one relatively early stage during the Watergate scandal, during the Senate committee's investigation into the scandal, when one of witness had completed his evidence, one of the committee turned round to his neighbour and said "What a liar", not realising that the microphone in front of him was still live, and what he thought was going to be an aside to his neighbour went out live on coast-to-coast televison. C, Glasgow Scotland Prince Philip's gaffes make the civil list worth the money. For example: To a British student in Hungary "you've not been here long, you haven't got a pot belly" To a bare breasted Masai lady presenting him with a gift "er...you are a woman, aren't you?" When asked if he'd like to stroke a koala bear "God no, I might catch some ghastly disease" and my favourite (to a Scottish driving instructor) "how do you keep the natives off the booze long enough for them to actually pass their test" And the newspapers try to convince us that Sophie Rhys Jones is indiscreet. Gareth Hughes, Norwich UK Wasn't there an incident (in Ireland?) a few years back when Boris Yeltsin was unable to leave his aeroplane because he had partaken of a bit too much vodka on the journey over? David Lindsay, Munich Germany In response to a previous answer, I have always thought that George Bush Senior's choice of Dan Quayle as Vice President was the best possible deterrent to assassination attempts. Pelham Barton, Birmingham U.K. Then there?s the deliciously embarrassing ?M Butterfly? spy case. In the 1980s, Bernard Boursicot, a French diplomat, was arrested in Paris for passing French diplomatic secrets to the People's Republic of China. Boursicot was seduced into betraying France by Shi Pei Pu, a Beijing opera singer Bouriscot had met while serving in the diplomatic corps in Beijing in the 1960s. The two had a sexual relationship that lasted almost 20 years. At the trial, it was revealed that Shi Pei Pu was male. Boursicot insisted that all through the affair he believed his lover was female and even deluded himself he had fathered a child by Shi Pei Pu. Peter Post, Boston USA From another part of N&Q admittedly but relevant none the less. The answer is that they are. Dr Robert has clearly forgotten US President Gerald Ford's vain attempt to play golf and chew gum at the same time. With his magificently uncontrolled slice working at top efficiency, he managed to hit the same woman spectator not once but twice at the same tee, resulting in her needing medical treatment Meg, London My favourite embarrassment is Ted Heath mangling the French language in a speech made during his 1970-74 government's negotiations to join the EEC. If you thought Ted had a way with the English language, you should hear him in French. Private Eye released a section of it on one of the floppy 45rpm records they used to give away with the magazine when Richard Ingrams was editor - anyone in Dublin is welcome to pop in and hear it. Howard Rose, Dublin Ireland The election of George Dubya? Pennie, Nottingham UK Not quite diplomatic or political, but I heard an excellent story about a US ship identifying a blip on its radar as a Canadian vessel on a head-on collision course, and sending out a message to ask it to move 15 degrees west. The canadians in return asked the US ship to move 15 degrees east. The US requested once more that they move west, and once more were requested to move east. At this point the US ship identified itself as a warship, detailed its crew and weaponry and said that it would take steps to defend itself, upon which the canadian vessel identified itself as a lighthouse. Don't know if its true but I laughed so hard my beer came out of my nose! Pauline, Leicester Jimmy Carter once started a speech at a gold-plate dinner with "Well I've been here in Mexico City three days and I haven't caught Montezuma'a Revenge yet!" The icing on the cake of this one is that it went out on Mexican TV and the camera caught a secret service guy in the background slapping his forehead at the punchline. Pete, Cambridge UK Surely you all remember the then Welsh Secretary John Redwood pretending to know the words of the Welsh National Anthem? No one really ever took him seriously after that, did they? John Duffy, New York USA This maybe apocryphal but still: The British ambassador to Mexico is asked by a local TV station what he would like for Christmas, after debating the ethics of such a gift with his questioner he decides upon a small box of chrystalized fruits. On Christmas day he is watching television when the newsreader announces: " and finally, we asked the ambassadors to our country what they would like for Christmas. The French ambassador said he wished for world peace, the Canadian, a cure for cancer and the British? A small box of chrystalized fruits." Izzie Latham, Reading Another Quayle-ism...'America can go forward to the future or past to the back.' James Butler, Brixham UK The Earl of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to travel 7 yeares. On his return the Queen said: 'My lord. We have forgot the Fart.' From John Aubery's 'Brief Lives' Peter Brooke, Newmachar Scotland Come On, well Come On, Guardian-reading left-wing chums. Don't deny yourselves the pleasure of remembering Neil Kinnock's 'victory' speech in 1992 in front of the population of Sheffield, shortly before snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I still cringe now. James, Paris France As far as embarrassing incidents in diplomatic or political circles, David Lindsay is surely right in pointing to the episode with Yeltsin's "visit" to Ireland sometime in the mid-1990s I think ("visit" as he didn't actually make contact with Irish soil). Returning from the US to Moscow, Yeltsin was stopping in Ireland for a meeting, and a large number of dignitories were waiting on the tarmac for Yeltsin to come off the plane. Red carpet, band, the whole show. And they waited. After a long time in confused anticipation of the world leader's grand descent down the stairs, it was declared that Yeltsin was "resting", and could not make the meeting after all. The Irish hosts had to make do with a meeting with members of Yeltsin's staff. Everyone knew, but few said it: Yeltsin was too drunk to make it off the plane. Yeltsin, in his own bizarre way, made it clear what importance he placed on keeping in touch with his Irish colleagues. Eivind , Oslo Norway Yeltsin actually left the Irish Prime Minister waiting on the tarmac in the rain. Offically he was ill, but, well, you know. Passed out drunk more likely... Mike Gallagher, Barcelona Spain Perhaps not the most embarrassing,but a few years ago (late sixties early seventies?) a secretary at the British High Commission in Lusaka, Zambia was preparing two pieces of correspondence. One was revision of the confidential (and frank) notes on Zambian politicians for the Foreign Office in London, the other a routine note to the Zambian Foreign Ministry. Guess which went in what envelope? Bernard Cross, Hemel Hempstead England Off the top of my head, I can rememmber a few classic Reaganisms; "America has a lot to offer the third world war," being the one I remember word for word. There's also a story someone told me of Reagan joking to a TV camera; "My fellow Americans, we have just declared war on Russia. We begin the bombing in ten minutes." (Slight paraphrasing perhaps) Then someone told him he was actually live on television. Good thing the Russians weren't watching that channel... Owain Llyr, Llandysul Wales It really is a good story, but Rheinhold Amen, editor of Maledicta, debunked the Kennedy-as-pastry tale. When he said "Ich bin ein Berliner," it was slightly unidiomatic, but truly moving to the audience, who would not have understood him to mean "Berlinerkrapfen" any more than the phrase "guardians of freedom" suggests first and foremost newsprint. Adam Brooke Davis, Kirksville, Missouri USA How about the Postcard incident in Nigeria in 1961? An unfortunate Peace Corps volunteer wrote a postcard to her boyfriend detailing how Nigerians seemed to do everything in the street, including going to the bathroom. She dropped the postcard somewhere and it was found by a Nigerian student and was soon in the papers. Almost caused the newly arrived Peace Corps program to be kicked out. John Baker, Bangkok, Thailand Mary Coughlan, when Ireland's deputy prime minister, spoke in public of "Einstein explaining his theory of evolution" - days earlier she was caught referring to her political colleagues in the Green Party as The Vegetables. Then there's Enda Kenny's appalling "joke" about assassinated Congolese PM Patrice Lumumba. He then advised those present not to say anything and it only emerged later. Now Kenny is Ireland's PM. Sue, Ireland



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