INT. POLICE STATION - AFTERNOON

Honest Police Detective DETECTIVE JIM GORDON is arguing with Hardass Police Medical Examiner DR LESLIE THOMPKINS. JIM tries to hug LESLIE but she shakes him off.

JIM

Please Leslie, don't leave me.

LESLIE

I'm sorry JIm, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

JIM

I am such a person!

LESLIE frowns.

LESLIE

I'm sorry, JIm. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

LESLIE leaves.

JIM sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Kind Police Detective DETECTIVE HARVEY BULLOCK barges in looking flustered.

JIM

Goodness, Harvey! Is everything okay?

HARVEY

I'm afraid not.

JIM

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

HARVEY

It's ... a Theo Galavan ... I saw an evil Theo Galavan Kill a bunch of Mobsters!

JIM

Defenseless Mobsters?

HARVEY

Yes, defenseless Mobsters!

JIM

Bloomin' heck, Harvey! We've got to do something.

HARVEY

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

JIM

You can start by telling me where this happened.

HARVEY

I was...

HARVEY fans himself and begins to wheeze.

JIM

Focus Harvey, focus! Where did it happen?

HARVEY

ICERBERG LOUNGE! That's right - ICERBERG LOUNGE!

JIM springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

JIM rushes along the street, followed by HARVEY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. ICERBERG LOUNGE - SHORTLY AFTER

OSWALD COBBLEPOT a Manipulative Theo Galavan terrorises two Mobsters.

JIM, closely followed by HARVEY, rushes towards OSWALD, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

HARVEY

What is is? What's the matter?

JIM

That's not just any old Theo Galavan, that's Oswald Cobblepot!

HARVEY

Who's Oswald Cobblepot?

JIM

Who's Oswald Cobblepot? Who's Oswald Cobblepot? Only the most Manipulative Theo Galavan in the universe!

HARVEY

Blinkin' knickers, JIm! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Manipulative Theo Galavan in the universe!

JIM

You can say that again.

HARVEY

Blinkin' knickers, JIm! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Manipulative Theo Galavan in the universe!

JIM

I'm going to need Wayne Family Knife, lots of Wayne Family Knife.

Oswald turns and sees JIm and Harvey. He grins an evil grin.

OSWALD

JIm Gordon, we meet again.

HARVEY

You've met?

JIM

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young JIM is sitting in a park listening to some Rock music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees OSWALD. He takes off his headphones.

OSWALD

Would you like some Donut?

JIM's eyes light up, but then he studies OSWALD more closely, and looks uneasy.

JIM

I don't know, you look kind of Manipulative.

OSWALD

Me? No. I'm not Manipulative. I'm the least Manipulative Theo Galavan in the world.

JIM

Wait, you're a Theo Galavan?

JIM runs away, screaming.

INT. ICERBERG LOUNGE - PRESENT DAY

OSWALD

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

HARVEY

(To JIM) You ran away?

JIM

(To HARVEY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

JIM turns to OSWALD.

JIM

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

JIM runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

JIM

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Wayne Family Knife.

OSWALD

I'm not scared of you.

JIM

You should be.

EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - LATER THAT DAY

JIM and HARVEY walk around searching for something.

JIM

I feel sure I left my Wayne Family Knife somewhere around here.

HARVEY

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Wayne Family Knife.

JIM

You know nothing Harvey Bullock.

HARVEY

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, OSWALD appears, holding a pair of Wayne Family Knife.

OSWALD

Looking for something?

HARVEY

Crikey, JIm, he's got your Wayne Family Knife.

JIM

Tell me something I don't already know!

HARVEY

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

JIM

I know that already!

HARVEY

I killed someone for Oswald Cobblepot.

OSWALD

(appalled) Dude!

While OSWALD is looking at HARVEY with disgust, JIM lunges forward and grabs his deadly Wayne Family Knife. He wields them, triumphantly.

JIM

Prepare to die, you Manipulative Potato!

OSWALD

No please! All I did was Kill a bunch of Mobsters!

LESLIE enters, unseen by any of the others.

JIM

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Mobsters were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! JIm Gordon defender of innocent Mobsters.

OSWALD

Don't hurt me! Please!

JIM

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Wayne Family Knife on you right away!

OSWALD

Because JIm, I am your father.

JIM looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

JIM

No you're not!

OSWALD

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

OSWALD tries to grab the Wayne Family Knife but JIM dodges out of the way.

JIM

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, OSWALD slumps to the ground.

HARVEY

Did he just faint?

JIM

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Wayne Family Knife.

JIM crouches over OSWALD's body.

HARVEY

Be careful, JIm. It could be a trick.

JIM

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Oswald Cobblepot is dead!

JIM

What?

JIM

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

HARVEY claps his hands.

HARVEY

So your Wayne Family Knife did save the day, after all.

LESLIE steps forward.

LESLIE

Is it true? Did you kill the Manipulative Theo Galavan?

JIM

Leslie how long have you been...?

LESLIE puts her arm around JIM.

LESLIE

Long enough.

JIM

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Oswald Cobblepot.

LESLIE

Then the Mobsters are safe?

JIM

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Mobsters enter, looking relived.

LESLIE

You are their hero.

The Mobsters bow to JIM.

JIM

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Oswald Cobblepot will never Kill Mobsters ever again, is enough for me.

LESLIE

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Mobsters passes JIM an Important Wayne Codes

LESLIE

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

JIM

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

JIM

Well, if you insist.

JIM takes the Wayne Codes.

JIM

Thank you.

The Mobsters bow their heads once more, and leave.

JIM turns to LESLIE.

JIM

Does this mean you want me back?

LESLIE

Oh, JIm, of course I want you back!

JIM smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

JIM

Well you can't have me.

LESLIE

WHAT?

JIM

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Theo Galavan to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

LESLIE

But...

JIM

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Harvey.

HARVEY grins.

LESLIE

But...

HARVEY

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

LESLIE

JIm?

JIM

I'm sorry Leslie, but I think you should skidaddle.

LESLIE leaves.

HARVEY turns to JIM.

HARVEY

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

JIM

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly HARVEY stops.

HARVEY

When I said I killed someone for Oswald Cobblepot, you know I was just trying to distract the Theo Galavan don't you?

THE END