Opinion

The Bay Area is so expensive divorced parents can't afford to live separately A perspective from Mommy Files' Amy Graff

A new trend among parents who separate or divorce is to continue living together. It's more economical, and if the parents can have a friendly domestic partnership, it's great for the kids. A new trend among parents who separate or divorce is to continue living together. It's more economical, and if the parents can have a friendly domestic partnership, it's great for the kids. Photo: Thomas Barwick/Getty Images Photo: Thomas Barwick/Getty Images Image 1 of / 20 Caption Close The Bay Area is so expensive divorced parents can't afford to live separately 1 / 20 Back to Gallery

Patrick, an Oakland resident in his 50s, is still living with his wife in their home of 13 years. But the couple has been separated for the last six of those years.

Under the same roof, they're sleeping in separate bedrooms, yet raising a 13-year-old daughter together, eating dinner around the table as a family about four times a week and sharing domestic tasks.

When the couple first agreed to split up, Patrick tells me he explored moving out, but they realized their income with him as a writer and her as a lawyer in private practice wouldn't cover two separate residences in Oakland.

"We haven't even bothered with divorce papers," he said. "Why waste the money? For one of us to move out and truly separate, the cost is prohibitive. It would create a lot of time constraints that wouldn't be good for our kid or for us."

Welcome to divorce in the Bay Area, in 2018. In this booming metropolis, where single-family homes cost millions and summer camps $500 a week, some middle-class parents can't afford to split up the way couples did in the 1970s and 80s, raising kids in two different households. Financial constraints are forcing today's divorcés to reinvent what it means to split up, and the so-called live-in divorce is becoming more common.

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I first heard about live-in divorces through a friend. She separated from her husband yet continued to share a house with him I was first compelled to write this story when a handful of my S.F. friends separated and decided to remain living together. In two cases, one of the parents moved into a unit in the garage.

There's one huge upside: It's great for the children.

I was impressed by the thought and care the parents put into creating a comfortable, loving situation for their children. Their stories were a startling contrast to those I'd heard from my friends as a kid whose parents' bitter, tempestuous divorces haunted their childhoods. These parents of a new generation were talking to one another, celebrating holidays with their kids, and living together because they didn't want to uproot their families, force their kids to change schools and commute and dip into the college savings.

Their dedication to the family unit impressed me, and so I sought out others living similarly. And over the course of six months, I spoke with several parents and learned most live-in divorces have a few things in common. Separate sleeping quarters are the norm, and it's common to add an apartment or bedroom to the home, whether in the basement or backyard, to accommodate one of the parents. Dating outside the home is typically allowed, though maintaining long-term relationships is difficult. The kids come first. Allowing each to have alone time in the home is essential. Finally, while live-in divorces are challenging, if the parents remain friendly, even civil, there's one huge upside: It's great for the children.

Everyone interviewed was eager to share because they, at one time, felt isolated in their situations and found meeting others living similarly helped them feel less alone.

"You do feel like 'Am I the only one?' ... And then you realize that you're not the only one," said a San Francisco woman named Sheila, who calls her husband her "ex" but still lives with him.

Marnie - who has moved away from her ex - says she has many friends in live-in divorces, and she wants them to feel less alone in their situations. She told me about one friend with a high-level job at a well-known tech company and her ex-husband is a stay-at-home dad. She's building a backyard cottage because, even though her salary is significant, their family can't afford two households with only one income.

"We need to share the reality and let people know they're not alone," she said. "Let people know there are all sorts of shapes and styles of families."

Because all of these people are parents with children attending local schools, they preferred to keep their names anonymous and pseudonyms are used throughout the story.

GALLERY: Divorce statistics and facts for the U.S. and California

Interesting statistics and facts on divorce in the U.S. and California. Interesting statistics and facts on divorce in the U.S. and California. Photo: Getty Photo: Getty Image 1 of / 22 Caption Close Divorce stats and facts 1 / 22 Back to Gallery

Why don't these people move to an area where they can afford divorce?

You might think divorced parents who can't afford two separate residences in the Bay Area would move to a less-expensive area, but when your community, career and kids are all here, leaving isn't a viable option.

In Patrick's situation, his wife spent years establishing a law practice in region and she's bound to the area.

Yes, Patrick could find more affordable housing farther inland, in say, Sacramento, but he refuses to move a long-car-ride away from his daughter and force her to commute between her parents.

"One of the reasons why I was really in favor of this arrangement is my father left me when I was 5 years old," he told me. "One thing I swore is, I'm never going to live away from my daughter."

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Sheila, a mother in her 50s, initially thought she would move into her own place when she and her husband decided to separate four years ago, after nearly 30 years of marriage. While her income was limited working at a high school, her husband had a successful career in finance and was retired with a good pension, and she assumed they could afford two residences.

But in S.F., with one of the most expensive housing markets in the nation, she quickly realized this was a pipe dream after looking at only a few rentals.

"I'd see a listing for a one-bedroom for $2,000, and think, 'I can do that,'" she recalls. "And then I'd go look and it would be like a closet. The places I was seeing, sometimes I'd literally want to start running because they're so scary."

Sheila's ex preferred to continue living together, and she found other reasons beyond finances for trying it. Even though her kids are in their 20s, she knew the divorce would shock them and they would take comfort in their parents continuing to live in their childhood home.

"I realized, as long as we keep the house, we're keeping the unit," she said. "Even if things weren't working with him and me, I still loved the four of us. There are things you can only share with your family and even your ex. The memories. We do a lot of the family events when there are birthdays. That's one thing my ex and I have in common, we don't want to miss out on our kids."

What's more, Sheila was also finally at a point in her life where her kids were grown and she could travel and explore other career opportunities. She had broken free of her husband who was a man of routine and who loathed travel. She wanted to explore the world and train to become a yoga instructor and if she and her ex made a change in their living situation, she would be strapped for money.

"I remember having this conversation with my daughter when I reached this huge turning point," Sheila recalled. "She said, 'Mom, you love to travel. You should do that instead of looking for places to live and spending money on rent. You're at this point where you're having all of these invites to go places and dad doesn't want to travel. Why don't you let dad stay home and take care of the dogs.'"

Sheila explained the anger she once felt toward her husband has dissipated and they've agreed on a way to split expenses and domestic duties. The biggest downside, she said, is that she often feels as if she doesn't have her own private space and his presence will kill her mood.

"I have found times when I'm coming from a retreat and I've done some work outside the city and feeling so good or not so good and it would be nice to just come home to me," she said. "Sometimes, I wish I could come home take off my clothes, grab a beer and be naked... but no, he's there."

For now, Sheila finds the situation tolerable but ultimately she and her ex hope to split their home into two separate apartments.

"I will honestly say that it is very civil with us, but I know that it's not what I want forever," she said. "It's not going to be the rest of my life. It only can sustain you so far. Emotionally, you have a roommate that you didn't pick. But so what if you're neighbors. It's not a bad thing if you have kids."

An S.F. therapist sees a trend in live-in divorces

Sandra Amat is a licensed marriage and family therapist and said in the last three years, she knows four couples who tried living together after splitting up and believes this is a new trend.

"It hasn't had a positive outcome," Amat told me. "A lot of them have done it for their kids, but not so much because they're trying to save money."

One couple Amat knows is in the beginnings of a live-in divorce, but, "they're not doing well with it." In two other situations, the couples "ended up hating each other." The only happy ending is with the fourth couple, which got back together.

"For them, they realized, the family is more important than their emotional needs."

That said, Amat is hopeful couples with a high level of emotional intelligence can be successful.

"It's just one of these things where people have to be super respectful, conscious and kind, and if there's already a level of disrespect, it makes it not work," she said.

Amat believes today's divorced couples are open to the idea of living together because they're emotionally equipped to make more thoughtful decisions.

"There's a lot more conscious awareness now than there was in the 70s and 80s," she said. "They're more aware of how their actions impact their children. People have been doing their own psychological work, and they've been discovering where their own wounding is."

A woman trying hard to make it work

Genevieve, a San Francisco social worker with two kids in elementary school, will be the first to tell you that living in the same house with your ex is hard work.

"From my perspective, it requires me to tap into the greatest acceptance, patience and forgiveness I've ever had to use," she told me. "Sometimes I feel like I can't do it another day, let alone a couple years."

But Genevieve knows that living this way is the best choice for her and her family right now. When she and her husband decided to split up two years ago, they analyzed their finances and quickly realized that with both their salaries under $100,000, they couldn't cover the cost of separate residences.

"We have no extra money whatsoever," she said. "We could sell the house and both move to Portland, but we have communities here and the children have friends. This is my world. We need to live near each other because of our children. We don't need to start new lives."

They've figured out ways improve their situation such as building him a separate room in the garage of the home they bought in 2009. They both work side jobs to bring in extra income. They share household responsibilities and give each other space to get out with friends, to date and to exercise, but they also do things together as a family with the kids. This year, they hosted Thanksgiving together.

"We work hard at making it be equal but we're also forgiving— if someone wants to go away for a few days, we let that person go. The alternative is being with our kids and that's not a burden."

She added: "We're doing this as well as we can, and it feels that while it's a very real struggle, it's well worth the sacrifice."

SFGATE news producer Amy Graff reports on issues and trends impacting parents in the Bay Area. If you have a story idea, email her at agraff@sfgate.com.