Name: the Brexit virus.

Also known as: hepatitis E (HEV).

Symptoms: flu-like. Which means tiredness, fever, nausea, etc.

That doesn’t sound particularly terrifying. No, well it is usually no big deal and clears up on its own, but it can become more serious in rare cases. Pregnant women, older people and people with weakened immune systems, such as transplant or cancer patients, are more at risk.

Like flu, then? Yes, I suppose so. But don’t get complacent just because it’s not completely terrifying. There were just 368 confirmed cases of HEV in Britain in 2010, but there were 1,244 last year, so it seems to be on the rise.

How do people get it? In Britain, by eating pork products, mostly.

But eating pork is essential for me. It’s like a religious requirement. In that case, make sure you cook it thoroughly to kill any virus that may be present, which is especially likely at the moment. The Sunday Times reported that a gastroenterologist called Dr Harry Dalton told a recent conference: “I call it the Brexit virus. It attacks the liver and nerves, with a peak in May.”

Brexit certainly attacks my nerves. Is that how it got the name? I don’t think so. More likely it is because the virus that causes the most serious symptoms is more often found in meat that came from farms in France, the Netherlands, Germany and Denmark.

Those grubby foreigners. Why can’t everyone in the world just be British? We tried that, remember. It didn’t work. Besides, most British pigs either have or had HEV as well. It’s just that there are different strains and stuff.

A hard Brexit virus and a soft Brexit virus? I suppose.

Or maybe – just hear me out – maybe it’s all a European plot to avenge themselves on us for breaking free of their doomed experiment? And what better target than our sausages and bacon, which are the beating heart of every English breakfast? A plot that infects other Europeans, too, and which started years before the referendum?

Um. Sure. Look, this really has nothing to do with Brexit? That’s just Dr Dalton’s sense of humour, and it has caught on with various newspapers.

Or is that just what Jean-Claude Juncker wants you to think? Good grief.

Do say: Eating undercooked bacon is rasher than I thought.

Don’t say: Come on Europe. Do your wurst!