Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

Meet my skin. It may look nude in this photo but it’s actually wearing Glossier Skin Perfecting Tint!

This may be hard to believe, but I just placed my first order with Glossier. I know — that’s crazy considering I’m the ultimate cool girl who always looks effortlessly amazing and never appears to be wearing makeup even when a professional has spent three hours doing my makeup!

Glossier’s marketing is obnoxiously effective. I’m fully aware that a makeup company selling the no makeup look is hypocritical at best, a harrowing example of marketing’s evil ability to manipulate the masses at worst, the work of the (super sexy) devil herself at very worst. Regardless, it worked on me! After years of resisting Glossier’s allure (mostly just because I was broke), I finally ordered a variety of products from the makeup brand and, unsurprisingly, I love every single one.

My favorite product, however, is the Perfecting Skin Tint. Holy shit this stuff is GOOD! What does it do, exactly? Well, I’m about to get personal. As I’ve mentioned about 19,000 times in this column, people sometimes tell me I have nice skin (not to brag). This is a compliment I’ve received throughout most of my life, except during my teenage years when I was plagued with (albeit minor) acne.

Even during my imperfect teen years, however, I didn’t wear makeup. Well, I didn’t wear makeup on my skin — I was too busy globbing on glittery eyeshadow! But I digress. I never wore foundation or anything like that because I thought using it was akin to painting another, better face on top of your own face, and I was way too self-righteous to participate in that kind of self-degredation.

Can you see any pores? BE HONEST!

Then I got…older. And I realized what I’d thought of as righteousness was instead just lack of necessity. I didn’t need to wear foundation or any kind of makeup on my skin because it was nice skin! Once I reached my mid-20s, however, I started to notice something for the very first time: pores. Needless to say, I was horrified. I thought of that scene in The Truth About Cats and Dogs when Janeane Garofalo goes to a makeup counter and the woman working there recommends a pore minimizing product, so Jeannine asks if the woman has anything that can make her pores bigger instead so she can keep her keys in one. I can’t find that clip online so I may have made it up but what a great movie!

Anyway, I realized my pores had the capability to store at least one key and even though it was convenient I was not happy about it. At the time, I was really into Benefit products because their packaging is cute. I saw they made a face primer called the POREfessional and I decided to try it. It made my skin look smoother and noticeably (to me and probably no one else) reduced the appearance of pores. In other words, it made my skin look 22 again.

I used that product for a couple of years, but as with any addiction, eventually it wasn’t enough. I needed something stronger. So when my friend Gregory took me to a MAC store to generously share his employee discount, I bought my first little tube of BB cream. I incorporated it into my daily regimen, mixing a little dab of it with moisturizer to smooth out my skin and hide my giant, nasty, keyhole-sized pores.

WHAT ABOUT NOW??

Though BB cream goes on relatively sheer, especially when mixed with moisturizer, it’s definitely makeup, the kind that stains white shirts and sweats off easily and has to be blended well. So when I finally decided to go for it and order a few things from Glossier (I was desperate for the Generation G lipstick in Crush…and Zip…and a lot of other shit!), I explored the site a little and stumbled upon their Perfecting Skin Tint. It’s described on the site as such: “In the land between bare skin and makeup makeup exists the imperceptible wash of color that is our Perfecting Skin Tint.” This brand’s marketing is so good it makes me mad!

So I ordered it and it. is. GOOD. WOW it’s good! It goes on sheer and feels like nothing, but really evens out skin tone and fills in pores even better than your neighbor’s spare key. I haven’t noticed it rubbing off on any clothing, and I’ll have to wait until it gets warm to see if it sweats off, but for now, I’m sold. It makes my skin look 22 again, aside from all the fine lines and wrinkles that weren’t there when I was 22. It truly gives my skin that no makeup makeup look (ugh).

Glossier’s Perfecting Skin Tint comes in five different shades which, theoretically, are sheer enough that anybody should be able to find a shade suits their skin tone. I got the Medium and it definitely works for me!

I have proper foundation now (MAC, of course. And guess what — I kind of like it!) that I use only on special occasions or when I’m filming something, but otherwise I’ll be using my Perfecting Skin Tint to…well…this sounds cocky but…perfect my skin! I also love everything else I ordered, but I’ll write about those items another time. Stay tuned to this space to watch me slowly drain my nonexistent savings account on Glossier products until I become so fully indoctrinated into the cool girl no makeup makeup lifestyle that you want to kill me!

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares about my motherfucking pores. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, whether or not it’s made by Glossier, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!