Is the term “PETA’s humor” a non sequitur?

While searching the interwebs, I came across this “magazine” cover.

It immediately brought back fond memories of one of my favorite magazines from the 70’s — National Lampoon — and specifically their classic cover from January 1973:

My next thought surprised me: W.W.P.D…. What Would PETA Do? If this were a cover for a recent magazine, what would they do? People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals wasn’t even around when this cover appeared but they’ve spent a fortune on (at least what they would categorize as) humorous ads. Let’s take a look at one:

A sad clown is a cliché (and I don’t mean Ronald McDonald) but a self-tortured soul is simply tragic. After twelve trips through rehab, it’s hard for me to see Andy Dick, even in character, as anything but heartbreaking. I truly hope he maintains sobriety. A wrong choice, IMHO.

So is it PETA’s casting to blame? Well Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) certainly covers his end, so to speak. He’s funny. But did you laugh?

Check out Jiminy interviewing Julia Louis-Dreyfus to see what can be done:

If only we could bottle Julia. Wow, what a delight! And Jiminy? A prize. Did you laugh this time? I’ll bet you did.

If not casting, perhaps content.

A laugh riot, right? No? Didn’t get it? If you have to explain a joke, there is no joke. Deconstructing humor is a delicate operation. Lifting the curtain to find The Wizard…. Oh, what the hell, no fear of any damage here.

You see, the guy in this nugget of gold has “gone vegan,” you know, stopped eating all animal products, including eggs, milk and honey. Not wearing leather or fur. You follow. And this has made him so virile, like, I don’t know…taking Viagra on steroids, that he has uncontrolled sex with his girlfriend. So uncontrolled, in fact, that it beats the living hell out of her and puts her in a neck brace. NOW do you get it? Funny, huh.

Put a chicken in a neck brace and PETA will have a flock of naked models bobbing their heads on a picket line, cackling the blues. Someone once said that it’s not so much that PETA loves animals, it’s that they hate people. This is an organization that believes cockroaches have rights (No Joke!) but refuses to take a stand on the aborting of a human fetus.

In an increasingly secular society, with God no longer an obstacle, new religions spring up. Make no mistake about it: to PETA, veganism is a religion. Their “lesser jihad” is to convince the infidels of the error of their ways. It’s not enough for them to follow their beliefs; they MUST convince you to follow them too.

And now for the big reveal: I’m a vegetarian. Have been for a quarter of a century. Actually longer. I started in the early ‘70’s, before PETA existed, but fell away (my Rahu Dasa, for you Vedic astrologers out there. Like Mr. Spock in All Our Yesterdays: “I’m behaving disgracefully. I have eaten animal flesh and I’ve enjoyed it. What is wrong with me?“) I was even a full-fledged vegan for about three of those 25 years. No honey, milk, nor eggs. Didn’t wear leather belts. The whole bit. But you know what? I couldn’t care less if YOU eat meat.

As a matter of fact, I’m glad most of you do eat meat. I pay $2.99 for a bunch of organic kale and 4 bucks for a 10 oz bag of frozen organic wild blueberries at my local Whole Foods and if more of you folks start to eat healthy, I may have to consider a third job! Eat that meat…. Unless, of course, you feel that maybe it’s not for you after all.

PETA is a perfect example of an organization with an unfocused vision. It claims to be an “animals rights” organization and yet “new records show PETA killed a staggering 89.4 percent of the adoptable pets in its care during 2012. Despite years of public outrage over its euthanasia program, the notorious animal rights group has continued killing adoptable dogs and cats at an average of over 30 pets per week. According to records from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, PETA killed 1,647 cats and dogs last year while placing just 19 in adoptive homes. Since 1998, a total of 29,398 pets have died at the hands of PETA workers.” Their motto is “Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment.” With a nearly 40 million dollar annual budget, you’d think they could include “or kill just because they’re homeless.”

The THREE MILLION bucks they planned on spending to air an advertisement during this year’s Super Bowl could have bought a boxcar full of Puppy Chow and then some.

Reminds me a little of the exchange between General Jack Ripper and Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake in Dr. Strangelove:

General Jack D. Ripper: Were you ever a prisoner of war?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well… yes I was, matter of fact, Jack. I was.

General Jack D. Ripper: Did they torture you?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, yes they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, Jack, if you must know, not a pretty story.

General Jack D. Ripper: Well, what happened?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh, well, I don’t know, Jack, difficult to think of under these conditions; but, well…what happened was they got me on the old Rangoon-Ichinawa railway. I was laying train lines for the bloody Japanese puff-puff’s.

General Jack D. Ripper: No, I mean when they tortured you. Did you talk?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Ah, oh, no… well, I don’t think they wanted me to talk really. I don’t think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun, the swine. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.

Save animals? I don’t think they really want to save animals. Just their way of having a bit of fun, the swine.

Back to “PETA’s humor.” Try to guess the demographics they’re targeting here:

Anybody… anybody? Hey, PETA! Targeting young males? Try tugging at their heartstrings instead of their genitals. Oh, wait! That’s right. PETA feels the need to be controversial. That’s the way they get their message out.

PETA, if you’re listening, “animal rights” is a worthy cause. You have a barnful of undercover videos of horrific animal abuse that could be used to make a real difference. Your direction, however, is erratic at best. Perhaps it’s time for some “new blood.”

Sharpen your point, narrow your focus and take steady aim. It’s not the target that’s wavering; it’s your unsteady hand. DON’T BERATE, EDUCATE! And forget the controversy when making your pitch; that’s for upstarts. Time to regroup.

Of course, I could just be full of shit. This is, after all, one man’s opinion. Maybe “PETA’s humor” is funny. Humor is subjective. Sometimes we just don’t “get it.” Different flicks for different chicks. Mel Brooks or Woody Allen?

Or that National Lampoon cover at blog’s top. Here’s a review from Amazon.com of the digitalized version of the magazine that bears the same cover:

“…but the back cover clearly indicates that the threat has been carried out.”

For some, no amount of deconstruction is enough.

Here, boy!

BANG!

Oops.