I s there a more soporific feeling than an animal settling in your lap? The warmth; the weight; the fact you can’t move your body, for fear of disturbing Chairman Miaow, or Pugboat 500 (I don’t know what you call your pets). To my mind, this is the best snooze available. The catnap nonpareil. I think it’s something to do with being lightly incapacitated. For this reason, weighted blankets have always fascinated me.

Gravity Blanket (£149, gravityblankets.co.uk) is a handmade, Polish, duvet-like creation that may relieve anxiety, stress and insomnia. They are made to measure, with buyers advised to choose one approximately 10% of their bodyweight. I’m testing a 6kg model and will thank you not to do the maths. As an aside: technically, all blankets are gravity blankets, being subject to the universal constant. We don’t talk about snacking on gravity Quavers, or reading a gravity book, or moving to gravity Canada. (Bad example – for some reason, Quebec has less gravity than the rest of the world.) Still, it’s a cool name. The cover is space grey, in velvet and plush. I hold it aloft and wonder: how does it work? Does it have extra gravity sewn in? Is it stitched with golden thread? Then I put it down because my arms hurt.

Inside I find a cotton insert, quilted into 104 sealed chambers. Each chamber has very fine grains like uncooked couscous rolling around inside. These are actually glass microbeads. This fluid, equal weight distribution means the blanket does not have heavy sections or a bumpy feel. It feels like a blanket – a magically dense one. On the website, customers are told they can expect “the feeling of a gentle, loving embrace”, light pressure over the body being thought to stimulate the production of serotonin.

“Why don’t they just try being loved?” I chuckle to myself, before remembering I am totally alone and that my job, curling up in a blanket, is also my hobby. Probably best not to think about that.

Weighted blankets are sold to the insomnia crowd, but are also often recommended to children with autism, as a means of helping them sleep. The benefits of deep pressure stimulation are contested. Research conducted at the Evelina children’s hospital in central London found that heavy blankets do not affect sleep quality, although they may have a soothing effect while a child is awake. The autistic campaigner Temple Grandin invented the hug box to combat sensory processing disorder. She also invented a restraining system to keep cattle calm before being stunned. Best not to think about that, either.

For my less pressing needs, it offered great relief. The blanket settled me at night, helping me feel less restless. My breathing slowed and I was yawning almost instantly. Lying under the blanket is deeply comforting, although it is hard to describe why – something to do with abdicating responsibility for your body. It’s a safe feeling, relaxing on the muscles and joints. Six kilograms doesn’t sound like much, until you try to reposition, or pick the blanket up off the floor. It’s a workout, like lifting small buckets of water in each hand. Who knows what the 12kg end of the range would feel like. Punching through a wall of honey, probably.

One issue: the blanket is hot. (I’ve been testing mine for a few months, since before the sun showed up.) The velvet is incredibly soft and dense, like being smothered by a super-chinchilla. If you’re not careful, leg sweat can enter the equation. On the other hand, I do have hot legs. Always have done. With a window open, the temperature regulated itself, and the company sells cotton covers better suited for summer. However, like the gravity blanket itself, these do not come cheap.

Not everyone will respond in the same way to the product – you know your own legs – so it’s hard to make a blanket judgment. Which obviously makes my job awkward. But if you’re looking for an extra-soft hug, some incredibly mild BDSM, or just the thrill of undercover couscous, there’s much here to love. I’m lightly depressed, and highly impressed.

Don’t think about it part 3

I am now obsessing over the possibility of more weight and whether I need a heavier blanket, searching “Carthaginian crushing” and wondering how a few rocks on the chest might feel. This is not healthy. In fact, it’s keeping me up at night.

Wellness or hellness?

Some Like It Hot. 5/5