As I've said before, I believe that the worst thing a critic can do is hate works of art he or she isn't supposed to enjoy in the first place. So it is, now, with me and Marvel movies. With the exception of Deadpool, the Marvel movie made for people who hate Marvel movies, I find them all bland and forgettable. Roughly speaking, they're the filmic equivalent of going to Outback Steakhouse—serviceable enough, I guess, but why would you want to talk about it?

Fortunately, I found a ten year old boy who desperately wanted to see Captain America: Civil War and desperately wanted to talk about it. Of course the Internet is much too gross for me to reveal this boy's identity—the last time I attempted this experiment proved that amply.

But suffice it to say, he's a sweet kid who loves movies.

The boy in question wrote the below in its entirety. From my own, grown-up perspective, Captain America: Civil War was not unpleasant: it was sort of like getting a manicure. My mind wandered and I found myself thinking about how handsome everybody was but it wasn't annoying, anyway. The reviewer wanted me to post it just the way he wrote it but, as I told him, everybody in this game gets edited.

Marvel

Captain America: Civil War is a film I have been waiting a long long long long time to see. First things first: this thing is awesome. It is really funny/dark. The best super hero movie since The Dark Knight.

Robert Downey Jr. kills it as Iron Man. He is Iron Man to me. Same thing with Chris Evans as Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America. The movie stars a lot of famous people that I don't care to name because it will take up to much of the review. And Tom Haland as Spiderman, OMG. The guy is a superstar.

The plot is that, because of a bunch of "incidents," the government thinks that they should make the Avengers the property of the United Nations. The Avengers split up. One half is Iron Man, who thinks this is a good idea. The other half is Captain America, who thinks it shouldn't happen. Then there's Black Panther, who wants to avenge his father.

Now let's go away from Captain America: Civil War and go to The Winter Soldier for a bit. That movie was like a 1970s spy thriller, like it's more dark and realistic than most of the other Marvel movies. This movie is like that, too. It's like Winter Soldier with a bit of the feeling that Ant-Man had. Funny and clever and action-packed with sci-fi mumbo-jumbo.

Everybody is going to love the big fight. I don't want to spoil that, although if you've seen the LEGO set they've released for Civil War you'll already know what happens. I'm just going to say one thing: Ant-Man makes everybody else look like an ant.

Marvel

The best part was when Ant-Man said, "Do you have any orange slices?" at the end of the fight. The worst part was that Black Panther was underused. I can't wait to see what the character does in 2018.

Civil War has a fantastic twist to it to that I will not spoil. And one thing that is interesting is that it the villain is realistic (for a Marvel movie). The villain isn't just like, "I'm the villain of the superhero movie, I'm going to destroy this world." He's just a person.

I heard great things about this movie, and I was expecting something fantastic, and that's what I got. The fact that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was a flop, and I mean really a total flop, had to do with the marketing. The marketing with this movie was pitch-perfect.

Rotten Tomatoes gave it 91 out of a 100, and I can understand that. Chris Stuckmann gave it an A+. The New York Times hated it. Surprise, surprise. Because they always hate everything!

In the end, I loved this movie. In the end I would give it an A+.

Stephen Marche Stephen Marche is a novelist who writes a monthly column for Esquire magazine about culture.

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