STATE COLLEGE, PA—Following a humiliating 63-14 defeat against Ohio State over the weekend, officials at Pennsylvania State University on Tuesday called the blowout loss a blemish on the school’s storied football program, and the college’s biggest disgrace in recent memory. “Frankly, it’s unacceptable to have the Nittany Lions associated with something loathsome like this,” head coach Bill O’Brien told reporters, claiming that his team’s one-sided loss—its worst in nearly 114 years—does not align with the school’s values, and represents a black eye from which it may never recover. “To see our boys fail time and time again to create plays—and in a conference game, no less—it’s just reprehensible. I never thought I’d say this, but when the clock ran down and I got a final look at that scoreboard, I was actually ashamed to be associated with Penn State football.” O’Brien added that deceased head coach Joe Paterno was “probably rolling over in his grave” when his former team allowed the Buckeyes to put up 408 yards rushing.

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