IT was never my intention not to have children, indeed it still isn’t – I don’t believe I’m quite past it yet.

But I do know for certain that my parents are pining for a grandchild. As are many “grandparents in waiting”, whose children are either delaying having a family or disregarding the idea entirely.

It’s a phenomenon facing the baby boomer generation now entering their fifties, sixties and seventies. With a rising proportion of their own children choosing not to give birth, the brakes have been put on their ever arriving at what once seemed a certainty.

media_camera Everyone could do with a push from a grandparent now and then. Picture: iStock

As far back as 1996, the Australian Bureau of Statistics reported that 20 per cent of Australian women remained childless at the end of their reproductive life. That figure has been increasing ever since, with women aged 40 to 44 in 2006 twice as likely to be childless as their counterparts in 1961.

Demographer Mark McCrindle says that social trends and the later age at which people start families has created this decline in the number of grandparents.

“They are ‘in waiting’ because their children don’t have children and they are left bereft of that longed-for role,” he says.

The reasons why women are opting for late motherhood (or not having children at all) are varied, and range from mortgages to marriage breakdowns, career concerns and housing issues, to a desire for freedom or a dislike of children in general. Then there are the women who, like me, are simply waiting for the right partner to come along.

media_camera More than a quarter of Australian women aged 35 to 39 don’t have partners.

A decade ago, my biological clock started ticking so loudly I’d suffer sleepless nights, but I persevered in trying to find a partner in order not to parent alone. And I’m hardly the only one facing this quandary.

Social infertility, a term coined by the IVF industry, relates to women in the critical 35-plus age group who haven’t yet met the right person to start a family with.

According to a Monash University report, more than a quarter of Australian women aged 35 to 39 don’t have partners, and about a fifth of those had never married.

Yet a study by the The Australian Institute of Family Studies found that 52 per cent of childless female participants aged 35-39 either “definitely” or “sort of” want a child.

Then there’s physical infertility, which sadly affects one in six couples in Australia and is another contributing factor to the rising tide of wannabe grandparents.

Taken together, all these factors mean there are plenty of grandparents in waiting. “I would dearly love to be a grandmother,” says Suzanne, 67.

type_quote_start Because of the anxiety would-be grandparents feel, they often subtly or overtly put pressure on their children. type_quote_end

“Having two children, I’d never really considered that it might not happen. To me, being a grandmother is a natural progression from motherhood.

“But my daughter Emma’s reasoning is straightforward. She doesn’t currently have a partner in her life and she’s made it clear that unless there is one, there won’t be any children for her, or grandchildren for me.”

Her daughter Emma, 41, has been single more of her adult life than not.

“The one time I was in a relationship and we had decided to try, I already knew that my fertility levels were low, having been tested prior to our meeting,” says Emma.

“We tried with assistance from a fertility clinic with no success. The next step was IVF, but my partner said he wasn’t so sure about having children anymore. We split up a year later.”

Regardless of the circumstances, because of the anxiety would-be grandparents feel, they often subtly or overtly put pressure on their children. My own father has practically threatened to disinherit me if the family name disappears.

“These people who are entering their fifties and sixties were raised to believe that one day they’ll get married, they’ll have children and they’ll become grandparents,” notes clinical psychologist Dr Olga Lavalle.

“When that doesn’t happen for them, they become disappointed and worry that it will be too late for them to spend time with the grandchildren if it does happen. That worry puts pressure on their own children, especially when they’re asking them, ‘When do you plan on starting a family? It’s getting too late…’ They think the child or the couple has purposely put an end to the bloodline.”

type_quote_start “My brother and sister are both grandparents and all my friends are grandparents. I not only feel envy, I feel very isolated.” type_quote_end

Our parents’ desire for grandchildren is not an entirely selfish one, though. “Parents also feel disappointment and sadness that their own child won’t be able to experience the joys of parenthood,” says Dr Lavalle.

“There are times I’ll get emotional, not only for myself and lack of grandchildren but also for Emma and the joys of motherhood she’s missing out on,” agrees Suzanne.

“This happens when I see younger mothers and their mothers out with the grandchildren enjoying quality time. It’s not something I dwell on, but it’s always in the background.”

All this disappointment and anxiety is often a beacon for grief.

“There could be a lot of emotion, a lot of sadness, disappointment and anger,” advises Dr Lavalle. “But they need to be able to deal with those emotions and the grief.”

Norma, 70, has always wanted to be a grandparent, but her younger son is single and she’s estranged from her eldest son, who is a father.

“My brother and sister are both grandparents and all my friends are grandparents. I not only feel envy, I feel very isolated,” says Norma.

“In my younger days, if I wanted to go out with a friend it was spontaneous. Now, friends can tell you weeks ahead they’ve got to babysit their grandkids or do things with their families. I feel completely left out.”

type_quote_start Of the people who sign up to become surrogate grandparents, Kloos says the major driving factor is that they long for contact with children and families. type_quote_end

Norma says that in addition to isolation, there is grief at not being part of a family. “I am the eldest child and I’ve got a brother and a sister who have both got families, and they are completely engrossed in their grandchildren.”

Yet just because the face of traditional grandparenting is changing, it doesn’t mean baby boomers have to entirely bench the idea of imparting knowledge, nurturing and relationship building with the younger generation. They have the option of volunteer work, helping out with nieces’ and nephews’ children or becoming a surrogate grandparent through an organisation such as Find a Grandparent.

Cate Kloos, originally from Germany, set up Find a Grandparent four years ago when she found herself without the support of her parents. It works like an online dating site. Families and prospective surrogate grandparents create profiles and search for matches via their location.

“Most of the families online are there because they don’t have grandparents in their life for whatever reason and they want that more mature influence in their kids’ lives,” says Kloos, adding that the site is in urgent need of more grandparents. “The need from the families is overwhelming.”

Of the people who sign up to become surrogate grandparents, Kloos says the major driving factor is that they long for contact with children and families. “They miss spending time with children and feel they have support to offer.”

type_quote_start Whether my own parents will one day find themselves part of the grandparent community is being left up to fate. It’s not like I can put ‘father for my soon-to-be child’ on the grocery list. type_quote_end

Through Find a Grandparent, Norma matched with a 35-year-old single mother and her five-year-old daughter.

“We started meeting at a local park for a BBQ once a week. She’s a very bright little girl and calls me Aunty Norma. One day she came running up saying, ‘Oh, Aunty Norma, Aunty Norma!’ and that was really sweet for me. I enjoyed that.”

Norma recommends the site for those who feel sidelined without grandchildren in their life. “Like our neighbours when they’re saying goodbye to their families, today I was outside my house saying goodbye to a little person as well. It makes me feel part of a community, I suppose, a community I wouldn’t have been part of otherwise.”

Whether my own parents will one day find themselves part of the grandparent community is being left up to fate. It’s not like I can put ‘father for my soon-to-be child’ on the grocery list.

Or actually, maybe I can. There are certainly options, but the decision to parent solo isn’t one to take lightly.

Still, maybe it’s time I actually make that decision. After all, time isn’t something that’s always on our side.

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