When I really think about it, it makes no sense for me to be so laid back about this virulent new disease, especially since I have very little trust in the Chinese government, given its track record.

Maybe I’m not so calm after all. When I peel back the veneer of guilt, there is anxiety, simmering darkly. Like everyone else in China, I have few concrete ideas about what is really happening, and I am at the mercy of the Chinese government and how it chooses to proceed. But we plebes are not privy to the whole truth, even though the truth is part and parcel of the trust the government demands.

There were a few brief days of rigorously reported stories in the local media at the start of the outbreak, but then the state propaganda machine swooped back in to limit what the public is allowed to know, in the name of promoting positivity and maintaining order. This is nothing new. Everyone in China knows better than to take what Communist Party mouthpieces tell us at face value, but when 1.4 billion lives are at stake, is it still possible to live with the half-truths?

In this moment, I feel the same primal fear of dying stirring in the rest of China, and it paralyzes us. I managed to convince myself for a while that everything would be fine, but it was only a matter of time before something came along to shatter this illusion.

Yesterday, I saw on social media that someone noticed that the ratio in the official figures for the total dead to the total diagnosed cases has remained exactly 2.1 percent every day since Jan. 30. “This magical virus is very good at math!”

I felt my face crumple as I stared at the numbers. I had forgotten that every piece of news must be examined for how it is being used to strengthen the regime’s rule. Even in these times of life and death, I couldn’t be exempted from this exhausting exercise, which the party is perpetually playing for keeps.

It smarted like a wound, and the pain gave me clarity.

I so badly want to believe in the Chinese government when millions of lives are on the line. I want to have some faith that its decisions are made with the intention to save the greatest number of lives. I want to believe that it has imposed the world’s largest quarantine — effectively sacrificing a province of 58 million people — because it is for the greater good. I want to believe that each drastic measure will pay off, and not just turn out to be glorified P.R. stunts.