Góðann og blessaðann kæru landar mínir góðir!

Mig langar til þess að deila einni lífreynslu sem ég lenti einu sinni í á meðan ég var að upplifa miklar breytingar í mínu lífi, mikla neyslu og mikla vanlíðan!

Þessi póstur minn var upprunalega skrifaður með Drugs subredditið í huga en ég ákvað að mig langaði að tékka hvað þið, kæru landsmenn, hefðuð að segja um þetta og hvort þið hefðuð mögulega eitthvað að segja um þetta, ég nánast eingöngu hafa fengið örfá komment en mest megnis bara þögn við það að deila þessu á nokkra vel valda staði...

Eins og ég sagði, mikil breyting í mínu lífi, var ég að enda á götuni, búandi í bílnum mínum þegar þetta átti sér stað, í mikilli neyslu og ef það er eitthvað sem fylgir mikilli neyslu, þá er það vanlíðanin!

Þetta eru alveg 4000+ orð, þannig að, já, ég geri mér fulla grein fyrir því hvað þetta er alveg huge ass lesning og geri ég mér einnig grein fyrir því hvað þessi lesning getur verið átakanleg á móti. Mæli með að taka sér bara pásu þegar ykkur langar er þið reynið að lesa þetta allt saman, því það tekur mjög mikið amk á mig að lesa þetta eftir á, og veit ég alveg hvað sumt í þessu getur hljómað alveg hreint hræðilega!

Vil setja hér viðvörun að þessi lesning hentar ekki þeim sem eiga erfitt með það að gera sér grein fyrir dauðanum og eiga erfitt með að díla við þá hugsun að einn daginn mun svo koma að því!

Annars er voðalega lítið annað að segja, þetta átti sér allt stað í Reykjavík árið 2018, í Janúar það ár, og er bara frásögn eftir því sem ég næ best að vinna úr þessu tilfinningalega séð!

Njótið:

Heya guys,

I wrote about this last Sunday on Facebook simply because the thought popped into my head, the thought that I had never really thought about aside from the moment I managed to put fussy bits and pieces together from what I then experienced as somewhat of a blackout but in the end realized was something entirely much larger than anything I have ever come in contact with prior or since then!

I want to share this with you guys. It's maybe a difficult read at first, it going into detail about my near-death experience and one breath away from being an OD, but bear with me, it turns into something so much more if you just hang on and read what I write!

This is exactly what I remember happening, how I remember it happening. Me for some reason not remembering this right away but having to work this memory as the biggest, most complex Jigsaw puzzle in the world for maybe around 3 weeks in total inside my mind in order to put everything together into a whole image I can share with you guys!

The only thing you guys have to know before you read this is that 22nd November 2016 my younger brother, 18 years old, OD'd on Codeine and Zopiclone, dying an Opioid/Non-Benzo overdose. Me being woken up that morning, walking outside of my room and noticing there being around 10 both cops and EMTs on the scene. I was so confused as to what had happened that I had to see it for myself, and as I walked to the door to his room and turned my head around the corner, I saw him. My sweet baby brother lying there, cold as a popsicle, dead on his floor. My father having tried CPR for the entirety of those 40 minutes it took the ambulance to reach us. That was it. I'm done talking about the hardest day of my entire life, you don't need to know more. Aside maybe from my brother's name, it being Elias.

So it basically started in either late December or early January 2017-2018, with me driving some friends around who then picked up some people and before I knew it the friends had departed from my car and I was just surrounded by some people I had no idea who even were. I had recently lost my apartment and was on the streets, just living in my car, for the most part, sometimes my mother supported me with some nights at a hostel, but mostly I slept in my car.

After a while, all the people cycle out of my car and I'm left with this one, maybe around 35, dude who for some reason was just a jolly fucking roger and somehow managed to always be pleasant in conversation. Very charming and so fucking nice that I could have brought him home to my parents without being gay and my parent's not even noticing him being a dude so they wouldn't resent me for "coming out of the closet"...

He asked if I could take a small car ride with him out of town. I had nothing to do so I just said "Why the fuck not? I don't have any other place to be!" This was very late at night and we drove to some remote place I had never been to and didn't even know existed until just then.

He offers some junkies that are waiting for us to enter the car, it being freezing outside, it being like -30°C outside. They handed him a small package of something and he handed them some cash. They counted the cash and left. We stopped a few times in the side of the road after that on our way back to the city, the first time him revealing what it was he was actually buying from those junkies.

He opened the box in front of me and pulled out something that looked like a patch or something, him saying that this was a 100µg Fentanyl patch which he then cut just a little piece from and vaped on aluminum foil, sitting there next to me in the car.

I had never seen anything like it, that it was possible to ingest some sort of bandaid in this manner. That there were Fentanyl patches going around my town and how absolutely SMASHED he got from inhaling some vapor from that aluminum foil.

I didn't think much of it and dropped him at home. A few days later he calls me and asks me to come to the head shop he owned back then and ran alongside his father, who really did all the work, this guy only spending the profits on, apparently, Fentanyl and Oxy and some shit like that. He said he was gonna show me something special.

I, again, was homeless, so I just thought to myself: "Where else would I go? At least there I have a roof over my head!" but decided to have one of my best friends back then with me as backup as I didn't know what I was about to walk into.

We arrive at his shop and, there being something about this guy, his personality being absolutely one of a kind, we talked and joked some, until he drags up a glass pipe and this package of 5x Fentanyl patches as well. He then gets his scissors and starts cutting these tiny ass pieces off one of the patches he had, puts it in the pipe along with some tobacco and takes a hit.

He then offered me and my friend some. Each of us just got in line thinking: "YOLO!!!" And each of us took some hits and I got to experience the single most absolutely gorgeously and best highs of my entire life! It felt amazing just getting a hit from a tiny bit of this patch. The piece he'd put into the pipe each time being so small that if you'd put it on the table, you'd never find it again!

But while I felt how amazingly good it felt to breathe this shit in, I also, at the same time, felt how absolutely amazingly dangerous this substance was and how if it wanted to, it could kill me before I passed the pipe back to him if he didn't dose it correctly! It was so dangerous that I wanted to swear to myself to never do it after that night in question, but it being so fucking good as well that I lost that thought before I realized what I was thinking and just took another fucking hit of this best fucking high I've ever felt in my mind, body, and soul!

While we're smoking this stuff, my friend had some pills he was constantly offering me. I was in the mindset of a 12-year-old trying Weed for the first time, I just wanted to get the fuck fucked out of my skull. Fuck it, I was homeless, he was giving us hits of one of the most expensive drugs around here, he at least never asked us for any money in return, so what did I have to lose?

We partied like there was no tomorrow. At one point him offering us Oxy80 and me purchasing one pill from him, him crushing it down after having removed the film that's always on these pills and me and my friend splitting it, one line each!

I didn't really feel that much from it, maybe a little heat sensation in my legs, but nothing more. Our new friend all of a sudden asking if we had any Speed on us, me remembering that I had like 10 grams stored somewhere in my car, so I went outside to get it. I got locked outside for a while but they figured it out in the end and let me in.

When I handed him the bag of Speed he reached into some sort of purse and next thing I know he's holding a syringe with a needle on the end and him filling us with some bullshit about him rarely ever shooting shit up, him just needing to get some Stimulants into his arm because he had smoked too much Fentanyl.

He starts IV'ing in front of us and can I say and that buddy of mine confirm that seeing it so fucking up close and personal was one of the most horrifying sights I had never thought I would be witnessing at any point in my life. This guy being then the only guy I knew who injected his drugs at some point.

After that, he's feeling all better and gets a message from a Weed dealer friend of his and because I'm so fucked out of my skull, I ask my friend if he can drive, him somehow being able to take the wheel no matter how fucking fucked the both of us are and him driving perfectly in that condition.

We arrive in another part of town at this apartment block which was like 5 or 6 stories tall and was I told it was a part of the University's dorms that people could rent out if they attended the school, even though the actual school was actually somewhere around 30 kilometers THAT way... I never fully understood if it was correct that it was some sort of dorm for the Uni. Because it'd be a very strange place for that dorm since there were literally 30 kilometers to the University which was exactly in the other side of town, we couldn't have been farther from it, actually!

We take the elevator to the top and my friend sneaks me one pill, me just not ever giving it a second thought, just swallowing it whole and moving on. We enter an apartment on the top floor where this insane noise was coming from which sounded like a VERY loud vacuum cleaner but turned out to be an Asic Bitcoin Miner they were mining Bitcoin on for some bizarre ass reason.

Upon entering the apartment two guys greet us. I didn't know either of them but after a short while realized that one of them was the guy that had been accused of sexually molesting a friend of mine in her sleep, her going to sleep with her pants on, her waking up next to him with her pants off. I didn't know the whole story but when I met her after that night I told her where he could be found so she could have her goons do some street justice on his face, repeatedly, for having tried to rape a dear friend of mine.

Anyway, my friend notices a big glass jar sitting on the dinner table filled to the brim with Weed and probably the biggest fucking bong I have ever seen with my own two eyes sitting on the floor next to it. My friend asks if he can take a hit from it with some of his own Weed and does he get the owner's permission to do so. He takes a hit and then tells me to take a hit. I never having taken a hit from a bong before just try my best and without even a second thought I exhale this HUGE cloud of smoke which, according to my friend, "was the largest bong hit he'd ever seen in his life!!!" him almost thirty, having smoked Weed since he was 12!

I instantly feel absolutely smashed. But I still felt as if it wasn't just the Weed causing it, that there was something more at play as I just all of a sudden feel exhausted. I find myself a sofa or a bed or something to sit on and lean my head against the wall.

All of a sudden I realize what those pills my friend was always handing me actually were. Of course, had he bought like 50 Diazepam/Valium tablets from one of our friend's mother who was sometimes dealing more than an actual pharmacy would do on a good day. I realize that we were taking Diazepam, which is a Benzo, maybe a soft Benzo but still a Benzo, while we were smoking Fentanyl and snorting Oxy80 and shit. Me knowing for a fact that mixing Opioids and Benzos almost always leading to an overdose and sometimes, more often than not at least, death!

I feel like I need to make my friend aware of this little fact but before I knew it, my eyes just seemed to slowly slide shut, without me having to even think about closing them.

What I see under my eyelids, which usually is just this black background with this orgy of millions and millions of different colors on it, is all of a sudden just completely different! I see nothing! Absolutely nothing! There was no color, there was no background, there was no anything under my eyelids! I felt as if I was just looking right into the Void! That place where there is nothing and if something happens to go there it becomes nothing as well!

Me feeling my breath always getting slower and shorter, a short while being from that moment to the moment I feel insanely dizzy from little to no oxygen entering my lungs at that moment. My breath being so short that I could have counted a 100 Mississippi's in between those few short breaths I knew I had left.

I start betting on when my last and absolutely final breath is gonna kiss me goodbye and I'm just gonna die from respiratory depression like I've read about would happen in exactly this situation. I was feeling a little cocky, like I was taunting what I knew what was about to happen, me of course in the mindset that if I'm gonna die right then and there, I'd do so with a smile on my face! Me, of course, being more terrified than I had ever been before in my entire life! Basically counting down to my last breath where I'd suffocate and die without anyone at the party noticing anything being wrong.

I then start to see this little white star in the middle of all that nothingness I was looking at under my eyelids, this tiny little star that I somehow felt I was supposed to move my mind closer to. As I start doing so, moving my mind closer and closer to the star, all of a sudden my entire mind goes blank! I'm thinking nothing! I'm feeling nothing! Hearing nothing and I can't feel the fact that I have skin around my bones. I'm completely Depersonalized as I have never experienced before, me being basically a blank slate for some very odd reason.

I then start seeing visions of moments I had in the past with my little brother, Elias, before he died on me and left me to fend for myself in this cruel and unjust world we live in. Some of the things I saw were moments we spent together, moments I always remembered about him and loved to death, but others were these strange moments where I wasn't there and the only person able to remember something like that only being Elias himself!

I'm always moving closer and closer to the star, until I realize it's not a star but a big while circle! Although I can't hear anything, I can feel my little brother, as if he's talking to me, about Rocket League or some music he was producing or something like that he always used to talk about, it all coming from that white circle which was getting larger and larger by the moment!

I then feel just this overwhelming feeling that I'm standing right next to Elias, that I can feel his presence and can almost touch him!

Then when the circle is about to become as big as it possibly can, I feel this insane heat all around me, like the most compassion I have ever felt in my life, like anyone has ever felt in anyone's life! And then it happens. Whatever was going on peaked and I feel every sense of my body and mind feeling as though I'm experiencing Elias with every last thread of my existence, me smelling that smell that was always of him, that smell I always connected in my mind to him and his room, that safe haven where I could check on him at any moment during the week and spew whatever nonsense I had to spew over him and he'd always meet me halfway with more understanding than I had ever gotten from anyone else in life!

Then there was the taste! I could taste, or it wasn't exactly that I could taste it, it was more an emotion that I could feel in my entire mouth and tongue. I don't know what it was or felt like exactly but there was something about it which lead me to believe that Elias was just around the corner. Me feeling as though I was holding him in my arms, him holding me back, me getting that hug I always wanted to plant on him, that hug I never had the courage to give him when he was alive and was finally getting right there in that moment!

As I said, every sense of my being was feeling his presence in some way! Some significant fucking way and was I lead to believe that the big white circle, which was so close to me I could almost smell it, had something to do with my sweet Elias and that he was probably inside that big fucking white circle. Him waiting eagerly to meet me again, me getting ready to kick the door that this circle actually was the fuck down because I was so fucking ready to see my best friend in the whole world again. Me just knowing that if I tore the door down, we'd meet again and spend the rest of time together, in each other's loving embrace!

I know what I'm supposed to do! I'm supposed to enter this big ass white circle! And at the exact moment I had, I get pulled the fuck back by some unknown force. I try entering again but the same thing just happens. I get pulled the fuck back! So for the third time, I try and I put everything I have left into it! It resulting in me getting pulled so far back from the circle that it started looking like this white little star again in no time!

All of a sudden I stop feeling all those ridiculously strong emotions and sensations, I re-enter reality once more and there it the moment I was betting on before! I just know by how my lungs felt like they had been in a huge vehicular crash that this is the last one! This breath that's coming up is the last fucking breath I'm ever going to breathe! I just know it in every fiber of my being!

I'm starting to like the feeling that this is it. That I'm about to leave and never come back! That once and for all, this was how I was gonna die and even though for having tried to off myself a million times in the past, it never appearing to work properly, but it working now and I was finally gonna get a break from all the suffering which is almost the only emotion I have ever felt in my life and was gonna get to see some peace!

When something hits me like I'm getting a hit from defibrillators, all of a sudden I just get this intense shock all over my body and feel my body in its entirety jump from that bed or sofa I was sitting on, my eyes finally opening up, me having to open them myself, even though that was the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, it felt as if there were billions of tons of lead sitting on my eyelids, me barely being able to lift them just enough to see what's going on right in front of me.

I just know and feel that I'm standing in my own two feet and am I able to walk out of the apartment, out to the open stairwell where the elevator was located and as I open the door outside I just feel the freezing cold air filling my lungs, both my insanely short breath becoming longer and stronger, along with my heartbeat beating over those two beats per minute I had felt it was doing earlier.

For some reason, almost exactly as I feel like I can finally take a deep and good breath again, that I'm not suffocating from the inside, the party is over and do my friend and that Fentanyl guy walk outside and meet me, me having been feeling like I was about to die just moments prior, walking into the elevator and then into my car.

The Fentanyl guy asked if he could drive, I was still recovering from the fact that I was just about a nanosecond from dying inside some guy's home I had never met before, so I tried to utter something that he took as a yes and as I layed in the back seat on the way to his headshop again, him driving like he was absolutely retarded, him never having taken any sort of driver's test, me terrified the whole time in the back that I was gonna maybe experience something like I just did again but after a car crash, it being a miracle that there were no cops around because they would have seen by how the car was driven that either he had never driven a car before, someone was drugged out of hist fucking skull under the wheel, or both, which was exactly the case!

We get to the headshop and I just pass out on the couch, waking up an hour later with his dad standing over me holding a piece of aluminum foil which had obviously been used as something to vape Fentanyl from and asked me like I just fucked his wife: "WERE YOU GUYS SMOKING FENTANYL IN HERE ALL NIGHT????"

Me just trying to say something, trying as hard as I could, in the end just walking out of the shop, realizing that my phone was dead and I didn't have my charger while my car wasn't anywhere to be seen on the parking lot.

I was fucked! I had nothing to do, nowhere to go and my apartment had just been stolen! Everything after I almost died from an overdose the night before. I couldn't believe how much of a shit I would have become and promised myself never to reach such a low fucking place, while I cried and bought a new charger at the mobile phone store that was next door to the headshop....

So yeah! That's the story I wanted to tell you! What do you think? Me reaching a new low point in my life, me never having gone so low before and never having gone so low after this happened, thank fucking god!!!

To me, all I experienced about my sweet brother Elias, all the emotions, the sensations, the feelings, everything, was my mind realizing that I was about to die and in order to make sure that I didn't suffer as much as I could have, it administered something like a pretty fucking strong DMT trip or something like that to soften the impact that dying would have been!

This being very similar to every single story I have ever heard about people who have either died or escaped death by the skin on their ass. It almost being exactly like some stories, life flashing before you, you seeing some loved one's, feeling intense and otherworldly emotions and feeling you didn't think anyone was capable of feeling. Even the "tunnel of light" some people talk about was there in the form of my white circle!

I gather that I was about to die, was gonna die, had basically written in hell's guestbook already, but something, probably just my body not accepting this death I was about to experience, it making a break for it in the end, which was what saved me!

Even though I sometimes hate my body and even recently got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, I must admit that you, body, you're all right!

I want this tale to serve as a cautionary tale to anyone and everyone who has thought about mixing Benzos and Opioids! Along with being just me telling anyone and everyone who cares to hear it to stay the fuck away from fucking Fentanyl!

Don't do it! I beg you! Don't even think about touching the Fent! Please! Do it for me!

I hereby wish you all a happy Friday as writing this whole thing took me like two and a half hours or so, it having been Thursday when I started!

Peace and love to you and everyone you care about and love!