The Glorious Return of The Bachelor (and by extension, the far less glorious return of Bachelor Thoughtz)

Last fall, when ABC announced that Sean Lowe would become the next Bachelor, the sentiments of Bachelor Nation were left understandably split. On one side, you had the housewives, which by my research (ie. none) make up the majority of the show’s audience. The housewives couldn’t be happier. For the next twelve weeks they get to follow “the perfect man”, who also happens to be, as my sources say (undisclosed) “A hot piece of ass” (again, not my words).

That’s great for the housewives, but what about the rest of us, those who love the Bachelor because it’s essentially a real-life/PG-13 version of “Girl’s With Low Esteem”? As “the boring guy” from Emily’s season, Sean certainly seems like a horrible choice.

However,

Remember “the boring guy” from Ashely’s season? BEN FLAJNIK. The same Ben Flajnik of winemaker/dead dad/greatest season is bachelor history fame was the boring guy from the Bachelorette season before. So before you start going too crazy, let me talk you off the ledge with this quote from Sean’s bio at abc.com: “As a lifelong Texan, he holds Southern values close to his heart…he wants to be the patriarch of a family that is centered on faith, love, and laughter.”

Well….., shit.

Maybe I can’t defend Sean as a Bachelor. Maybe I need Robin Williams to hug me and gently repeat “it’s not your fault” until I finally convince myself that Sean will be just as shallow as everyone else. Maybe I just need someone to remind me that it’s never really been about the bachelors of The Bachelor, but about the women.

Bingo!

Cause that’s the dirty little secret that’s not really a secret anymore; it’s not about the Bachelor. Would Ben’s season have been anywhere near as good without Courtney? Not a chance. As long as there’s at least one batshit-crazy, overly-aggressive, alpha female we’ve got nothing to worry about.

I can’t wait.

Predictions:

I’ve enlisted some of my friend’s to help make these predictions. I can neither confirm nor disconfirm that actual money is at stake.

The Front Runner: (The one most likely to win)

Michael’s Pick: Jackie. Point of interest: none. Exactly the type of woman who makes it far and gets dumped in the final two or three.

My Pick: Amanda. Point of Interest: Occupation – “fit model”. I have no idea what a fit model is. My best guesses:

A model who is also fit (though unless your modeling the “before” picture of a Jenny Craig ad, calling yourself fit seems redundant) Her picture is featured on the flyer of her hometown gym. The gym is called Fit. These flyers can be found on your car windshield when you go to the grocery store. They can also be found littered on the parking lot of said grocery store. (note: my friend Matt, who happens to be from the same hometown as Amanda, does not know of any gym called Fit.)

The Psycho-Bitch: (The psychotic bitch)

Stuart’s Pick: Kristy. Point of Interest: Occupation – Model. Stuart says, “She’s got several things that caught my radar: her batshit crazy eyes and a face that might still have remaining blood stains from the last man she ate, her answer to what makes a romantic date is very fantastical, and last but not least SHE IS A MODEL.” All very good points.

Richard’s Pick: Kelly. Point of Interest: Occupation -Cruise Ship Entertainer. Richard says, “being a ‘cruise ship entertainer’ at the age of 28 reeks of low self esteem.”

Michael’s Pick: Robyn. Point of Interest: Stalker. Robyn said the most outrageous thing she has ever done is going on a stakeout to stalk her friend’s ex-boyfriend. There are only two reasons you stalk your friend’s ex-boyfriend: 1) you want to date him. 2) you want to kill him. Neither of these can end well.

My Pick: Ashley H. Point of Interest: Occupation – Fashion Model. Notice a trend? As Stuart points out, models have a good track record, including stripping on the beach and having sex in the ocean. Also, her outfit is outrageous. Animal prints and sanity are not usually found together.

Most Likely to Initiate an Awkward Conversation Where She Pulls Out Pictures of Her French Bulldog Leo ‘the Lion’ and Starts Referring to Him as Her Son, and Thens Start Weeping Uncontrollably:



Michael’s Pick: Sarah. In case you didn’t know, Sarah has a french bulldog named Leo “the Lion” that she refers to as “my son”.

Most Likely to Receive the Vitriol of the 24 other Women for Wearing a Wedding Dress to the First Cocktail Party:

My Pick: Lindsay. Check out this sneak peak.

Most Likely to Regret Wearing a Wedding Dress to the First Cocktail Party:

My Pick: Lindsay

Most Likely to Remind People That She Was Once on Bachelor Pad, Because They All Forgot She Was Once on Bachelor Pad:

My Pick: Paige. In case you forgot, Paige was once on Bachelor Pad. It should have been Donna.

Alright, that’s all for now. I’m looking forward to what should hopefully amount to another excellent season. Enjoy tonight’s show!