My answer to this question is that children are only as resilient as the messages they receive from adults. We play a key role in teaching children about illness, death, grief, loss and coping. Just as difficult as a family member’s end of life experience is for adults, it is even tougher on children- they rely on grieving adults to be role models of guidance and support. Even though described developmental stages of understanding death exist, each child is an individual.

Around the age of seven, children begin to realize that death is permanent. This understanding can occur at an earlier age or later, depending on if they are ready to assimilate and accommodate this reality. Knowing this can gently help you to guide your communication to stay at their emotional, cognitive, spiritual, religious and developmental level.

Instead of talking “to” each child, I ask open-ended questions and listen to their answers. I structure the conversation as an interview, asking what questions they may have. I may provide some leading questions, letting them explore this area by asking them what is on their minds.

For example, I say things like, “tell me about your grandpa” and “tell me your favorite thing about your grandpa.” These answers alone will lead to the direction of the conversation. Most often, children naturally start to ask questions, and if they do not- ask some questions back. Their questions and answers provide a starting place for understanding where they are along the continuum of grasping serious illness and death.

Presupposing and projecting your own thoughts and feelings is missing the point, because they want to ask. Questions like: “why is mommy crying?, “what is going on?,” “what happens now?,” “what is death?” and “what is death like?” are all very normal. These questions are difficult to answer, but again- rely on your ability to ask some of these questions back to the child about what they think the answers may be. You can then fill in the answers at their age-appropriate levels.

If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, rely on that foundation to express your answers. Encourage the child to talk with some objective adults, such as mental health, grief and bereavement professionals. Some objectivity to the situation can help children cope.

Tips When Discussing Death With Children:

Ask questions, listen and explore what each child wants to know. This exploration helps to remove the guessing about what they are wondering and what they need to know.

Be open and honest.

Prepare them for the experience after the death (any ceremonial rituals or religious activities to follow, such as Shiva, burial, cremation)

Closure happens in many ways, and it is not the same for every person or every child. Make sure you don’t project what might be good for you on to what is good for them.

Many people ask if a child should go to a funeral/ceremony/burial/etc. This decision is based upon the child’s needs and capabilities, adult viewpoints, religion, beliefs, cultures and values. Many times, if a child does not go, they will draw, write or make something for the family member who has died.

Share and express natural feelings. Cry. It is human nature, very natural and teaches communication and appropriate expression of feelings at a very vulnerable time. Expressions of sadness are integral parts of coping, grieving and mourning.

Provide check-ins in the days, weeks, months and years that follow.