Spring Cleaning

Designation: TNO-10000

Description: A short bronze sword, a cashew-shaped jade magatama bead pierced with a hole, and a circular mirror bearing an eight-pointed star design.

Recovery: Nagoya, Tokyo and Ise, Japan

Designation:EXC-410

Description: A long iron sword, rusted and deeply scratched, constructed in the Welsh or Mercian style, c. 5th century. The haft was evidently encrusted with diamonds, topazes and jacinth, most of which are now missing. The legend "R.ART" is inscribed on the hilt, and the word "caledfwlch" is inscribed in smaller lettering on the blade, near the hilt.

Recovery: Dozmary Pool, Cornwall, United Kingdom

Designation: SeZ-08

Description: A curved sword in the Persian style, decorated with emeralds.

Recovery: Zahrgiah, Iran

Designation:MJL-436

Description: A heavy iron hammer with a short handle.

Recovery: Trøndelag, Norway

Designation:PRN-881

Description: A bronze axe head, decorated with zig-zag markings and an inscription in proto-Slavic glyphs. There is a knob-like protrusion on the bottom of the axe head, and a hole drilled through the axe.

Recovery: Peryn island near Novgorod, Russia

Designation:ZFQ-329

Description: Double-pointed curved scimitar in the Arabic style.

Recovery: Samarra, Iraq

Designation:DRK-1596

Description: A snare drum, decorated with a heraldic coat-of-arms. Drum is dated to the late 16th century, and bears evidence of salt contamination consistent with long exposure to maritime environment.

Recovery: Buckland Abbey, England

“Are the swords even sharp?” “Not really, Doc.” “Just… just throw that crap in the dumpster, then. Keep the valuable-looking gems.”

The staff at Site-33 seemed to think that they had a keen wit when it came to nicknames. Site-33 itself, of course, was “Rolling Rock”. Its director, the bearded, bespectacled Dr. Sanders, was “the Colonel” (though never to his face). And the building designated General Non-Anomalous Testing and Containment (GNATC) was “Granny’s Attic”. If the Foundation was in possession of a specimen or an object that turned out to not be anomalous-that is to say, safer than Safe-well, it generally ended up in the Attic.

Designation: BDH-483

Description: A human left canine tooth, with trace amounts of ash of burnt sandalwood and pork proteins.

Recovery: Kandy, Sri Lanka

“Who even brought that thing here, the tooth fairy? Trash, trash.”

In theory, things in the Attic (being non-anomalous and therefore not interesting) would eventually be processed in one way or another. That glowing worm that turned out to be a bioluminescent animal unknown to science but otherwise uninteresting? Released back into the cave where it had been found. That tour bus of Mexican pilgrims to Guadalupe who had been contained on suspicion of having been infected by a dangerous meme? Heavily dosed with amnestics and dropped off at the roadside. Who knows, maybe some of them made it back home to the loved ones who had last seen them eleven years ago.

In theory. In practice, processing non-anomalous items was the kind of duty that none of the Site-33 researchers seemed to ever really get around to doing. There was too much interesting work to be done on the SCP-level objects, you see. And so, an object in the Attic tended to stay in the Attic.

Designation: HFR-019

Description: A live, healthy, unblemished cow, red in color. All of the cow's hairs are absolutely straight.

Recovery: ██████, Israel

“Anybody want a burger?”

On February 7, Dr. Jerome Savonarola found himself in the Penalty Box. The PB (officially, the “Processing Bureau”) was the office charged with running the Attic. This office was normally vacant, but from time to time the Colonel would assign personnel there, more as penance or to get someone out of the way than in order to ensure the fulfillment of the duties of that office. In this case, Savonarola had (according to the Colonel) bungled the containment protocol of Site-33’s colony of SCP-831. (“How was I supposed to know that D-29934 had a loose dental filling?”). Before the napalm had even been hosed away, it was “off to the PB with you, Jerry. Maybe a tour of duty in the Attic for a few weeks will remind you to follow protocol to the letter.”

Designation: ANG-1430-G

Description: A handwritten manuscript, written in the Punjabi language in Gurmukhī script and dating from the 16th-18th centuries.

Recovery: Amritsar, India

Designation: MHM-PBUH-J

Description: A single leather sandal with two straps. Footwear dated to c. 7th century.

Recovery: Topkapı Palace, Turkey. Replaced with replica.

Designation: VSNU-08

Description: A white conch shell decorated with a representation of the Hindu god Vishnu.

Recovery: Travancore, India.

Designation: DFSH-KV-6

Description: A purple leather-backed cloth flag, bearing a star-shaped emblem. There are traces of adhesives indicating that gemstones or minerals, now missing, were once affixed to the flag.

Recovery: Qadisiyyah, Iraq

Designation: IAGO-859

Description: A swallow-tailed canvas banner, suspended from a crossbar in an identical manner to the ancient Roman vexillum. The banner was probably originally white in color but is heavily soiled.

Recovery: Santiago de Compostela, Spain

Designation: ARGO-001

Description: A sheepskin dated to the 8th century BCE, the wool intact being yellowish in color. The sheepskin indicates that the ram had anatomical irregularities in the region of the scapula.

Recovery: Colchis, Republic of Georgia

“Scribble-scrabble, a stinky shoe, rags and a wad of wool. Ugh. Pitch ‘em.”

Protocol to the letter. Have it your way, Colonel. As long as I’m here, I’ll follow the GNATC manual to the literal letter, just like that old passive-aggressive soldiers’ trick for coping with a martinet of an officer. Particularly, Procedure TRS-β, which expressly requires the Site PB duty officer the duty to “expeditiously process GNATC items with a view towards minimizing expenses of continued maintenance and storage.” If they want me to take out the trash, that’s what I’ll do.

Designation: LNG-1022-K

Description: A Roman spear, dated to c. 1st century. The blade of the spear is surrounded by a golden sleeve bearing Latin text and affixing an iron nail to the blade.

Recovery: Schatzkammer, Vienna. Replaced with replica.

Designation: QAB-0007-B

Description: A collection of mineral fragments, approximately 20 cm x 16 cm, cemented together and encased in a roughly elliptical silver frame. The fragments are black in color and composed of agate with trace amounts of iron. Analysis suggests that the fragments are meteoric or impactite in origin.

Recovery: █████, Arabia. Replaced with replica.

Designation: ARJ-1000-503-580-500-100-L

Description: A bow, decorated with gold embossment and with faintly luminescent ends. A Sanskrit inscription near the grip bears the word "Gāṇḍīva".

Recovery: Kurukshetra, India

Designation: EIR-TUA-THA

Description: A pillar-shaped stone approximately 1.5 meters in height, an iron cauldron, a spear with an integrated sling for firing small stones, and an iron sword.

Recovery: Tara, Ireland

Designation: HYK-492

Description: An oversized arrow in the Armenian style, with bronze head

Recovery: Dyutsaznamart, Turkey

Designation: SOL-KTM

Description: An iron signet ring, hexagrammatic in form.

Recovery: Temple Mount, Jerusalem

Designation: KSMR-ZOR

Description: A living branch cutting of a cypress tree.

Recovery: Razavi Khorasan, Iran

Designation: FLAM-001

Description: Vessels of various sizes, each containing a reddish powder, largely comprised of a rare isotope of mercury.

Recovery: Various locations including the cornerstone of Temple Mount, Jerusalem, and the crypt of the Dominican church of St. Andreas, Cologne, Germany.

Designation: JMSH-062

Description: Brass and crystal cup with a reflective basin, decorated in the Achaemenid style.

Recovery: Persepolis, Iran.

Designation: SHI-0259-C

Description: White jade seal, dated to third century B.C. The seal is square, with one corner chipped off and restored with gold. The words "Having received the Mandate from Heaven, may he lead a long and prosperous life" are inscribed on the seal in an archaic form of Chinese seal script.

Recovery: ███████, China.

“Sticks and stones. Charming. Dumpster. Keep the gold, though.”

As it turned out, the Penalty Box could be surprisingly cathartic. A few more dumpster-loads, and there’d be nearly enough room in here for a squash court.

Designation: MOR-1823-I

Description: A collection of rectangular plates, approximately 26 kg in total mass. The plates are comprised of gold and are extensively inscribed in a dialect of Egyptian used in the Western hemisphere between approximately 2600 BCE and 421 CE.

Recovery: Cumorah, New York.

“Gold, again. More of it, this time. Melt it down, and put the resulting ingots in the trunk of my car. I, er, have some research in mind.”

Designation: INRH-27-32-66-D

Description: A collection of fragments of cedar, pine and cypress wood which, when re-assembled, comprise two beams, the first being approximately 3.7 meters in length and the second being approximately 2 meters in length, with the two beams having an aggregate mass of approximately 75 kg. The collection also includes iron nails. There is residue of vinegar and human blood on the nails and some of the wood fragments, with the blood matching that from CLX-1337-A.

Recovery: Various locations. Largest single fragment recovered from Gishen Mariam, Ethiopia.

Designation: CLX-1337-A

Description: An olive wood cup, dated to 1st century B.C. Analysis indicates trace residue of Levantine grape wine, myrrh and human blood in the cup. An Aramaic-language inscription reads "Joseph of Arimathea". The letters "GALAH" appear roughly carved near the base, with the style of lettering indicating a pre-Norman British origin.

Recovery: [DATA REDACTED]

“Incinerator. Why are you looking at me like that?”