A love letter for an American theocracy

Girl, it’s time to GET IT ON. Any day now, Mike Pence will be president.

That means we can finally be romantic. I’m talking about monogamous intercourse with the intent to produce a male child. And in 9 months, we’ll have a beautiful boy who’ll never be vaccinated against measles and polio and other #fakenews diseases.

Look, I know you are 16 years old, which makes you a bit elderly by biblical standards, but I’ll still marry you.

Are you into BDSM? Bibles disciples, seminary and monogamy. I can’t wait to have coitus with you!

But, if our child has any developmental issues in utero, you have to carry him (it will be a him) to term.

It’s just like Senator Kid Rock says, “bitches ain’t shit to me.”

By the way, if our child is cursed with early signs of gayness, we can send him to conversion therapy. It worked for me! I’m 61 and haven’t had sex with anyone yet. That’s success if I’ve ever heard it.

Can’t wait to see you!

Love,

Dr. Robert Jeffress