How to Survive to the End If You Find Yourself in an Opera

1. Always marry the nice guy/girl, especially if your parents made the choice. No exceptions. A lifetime of thinking of England and laughing at lame jokes is worth more than a knife in your gut. Or leaping off a parapet. Or being walled into a cave.

2. Related: if a good-looking, charismatic stranger comes to town, shun them like they have a flesh-eating disease. Beauty fades, ruin and destitution is forever. They’re probably terrible in bed anyway.

3. Don’t leave your small town, no matter how much you yearn for adventure. The outside world is full of excitement and intrigue but also DEATH.

4. If a maiden offers you a ring with vast magical powers, you might not think there’s a catch. Newsflash: there’s always a catch, and the catch is YOU’RE DOOMED. See also: random flowers, mysterious beverages.

5. The one exception: if you have a bad cough, go ahead and do what you want. You’re a goner no matter what, so you may as well have some fun before you die beautifully.