For many married Americans, nighttime means curling up in a bed shared with their spouse. But a growing trend of couples opting for separate beds may help spouses get better sleep and alleviate marital problems, experts say.

According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.

Jill Lankler, a New York clinical psychologist and life coach, says while that number seems high given the stigma that may still exist around separate beds, she's seen more couples open to trying it.

"People are losing sleep. They are waking each other up, and there is this resentment that begins to build in a relationship," she said. "If you don't address that, obviously your relationship is going to suffer, your work suffers. It's this cascade."

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Why couples fear sleeping in separate beds

From a practical standpoint, separate beds can benefit quality of sleep. Spouses may work different schedules. One may snore or have restless legs syndrome. And sleep is disrupted.

However, even if the switch to two beds may be the best solution, many couples still fear the nighttime split, Lankler said.

Asking a couple whether they'd consider separate beds can causes a sort of "catch-22" mentality: Sharing a bed might mean disrupted sleep while sleeping in separate beds could kill intimacy, she said.

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Lankler has seen couples work through these fears by having open and honest communication. "There's a very healthy way to do it that enhances communication and enhances freedom in the relationship," she said. "I love the fact that snoring, like everything else in life, is an opportunity to go deeper into love."

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From Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip to reports that President Donald Trump and Melania Trump sleep separately, the decision to part at bedtime doesn't mean couples are in trouble, especially if they implement strategies to keep the relationship strong.

"The ones that work out very well are the ones that have done the work," Lankler said.





'Ships in the night': For some, one bed may be better

However, just because sleeping separately can help with restfulness and communication, it's not for everyone, said Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein who practices matrimonial and family law.

"It's very easy to be ships in the night when you're trying to live and work and raise kids," Jacobi-Parisi said. "If you don't have any point of contact with your spouse ... it's very easy to lose any sort of sense that you are more than just a co-parenting, working team."

For couples that choose to sleep separately but don't have a conversation around why they are making the change, it can be another step in the path toward divorce, she added.

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In some cases she sees, a couple may say they're sleeping separately for a specific reason – a child who can't sleep or a snoring problem – but then stay in two beds without ever revisiting why.

Sleeping together when it isn't working can also be a detriment, she said.

In one case she encountered, a couple shared a bed through their entire divorce proceedings in court. This can be challenging for children, who will get mixed signals, but Jacobi-Parisi said parents know their children best and must make a decision that's specific to them and how they'll react. Being honest with children about the decision is just as important as a spouse, she added.

What about intimacy?

A couple's sex life won't be ruined by sleeping apart any more than it would be by a TV in a shared bedroom, Lankler said.

In fact, sleeping in separate beds can create the opportunity to be more intentional about having a healthy sex life, she said. It can alleviate some of the pressure felt to be intimate when a bed is shared, too.

"You actually get to carve out time," Lankler said. "You get to do it in a way that is intended and not sort of expected."

Jacobi-Parisi agreed, saying a concerted effort is needed not only for intimacy but also things like date night.

Contributing: Mary Bowerman

Editor's note: A version of this story published in 2017.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Separate beds for married couples can help relationship, experts say



