Heaven

The Halfway Post recently called God for an interview. The following has been lightly edited for clarity.

THP: So how are things going?

GOD: You know, pretty good. I just got into this thing called beer yoga, and it’s been great for some self-reflection time. This gym I recently started going to also offers a class of puppy yoga, and I signed up to go next Monday. It sounds amazing. Puppies are the greatest thing I ever Created. Way better than you hairless monkeys. Puppies don’t have an ounce of undeserved self-importance. But yeah. I tell you what, I totally could have used yoga in the Old Testament days. Too bad I hadn’t invented it yet. Looking back, I can totally admit I had an anger problem. And it really clouded My judgement.

THP: In what way?

GOD: Well, like the flood. I mean, come on. I killed literally tens of millions of people. I wiped out almost everyone and started over. I totally botched that original Creation, didn’t I? And it really bit Me in the butt in the deity department. Zeus never lets me live it down. I mean, here I am, totally omniscient and omnipotent, and my first Creation goes haywire from Me programming you sapien monkeys to sin too much. Those first humans all went around ruining everything to the point where I had to shut it all down. I looked through the genetic code, and it was literally just one closing bracket I forgot, and it threw off the whole stabilization logarithm I designed to keep you all from universal self-destruction. Total rookie mistake. But yeah, not very omniscient of me, was it?

THP: We all make mistakes.

GOD: I’m not supposed to! I had a bit of an absinthe problem in the early days, too. Creating alcohol enzymes really took me down a dark path. I got a little bored on my first day of rest, and I built one of those refrigerators for Myself up in Heaven, one of the ones with a water purifier and dispenser built in, and I emptied out the water and filled it with chardonnay. Let’s just say I went through a rough patch for that millennia. You know how many extra blackholes I can made because I was chronically drunk for a few eons? I don’t want to give too much away, but one’s going to eat up Earth. In a few decades. Don’t worry, not in your lifetime… but your grandchildren are maybe screwed. And you losers deserve it. Seriously, how have you not impeached Donald Trump yet? Honestly, I was testing America. With Donald Trump I made the perfect example of the kind of person you don’t want to follow, but you all elected him anyway. I straight up designed him to be the worst human on the planet morally, physically, artistically, humbly, aesthetically, and every other presidential adverb there is! But here he is in charge of nukes! It’s definitely time for another mass extinction. I mean, when I came down as Jesus, did I not specifically explain to all you morons that I wanted you to live in peaceful little communist communes? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear that the rich should be all but killed and eaten? Didn’t I write a freaking book for you all to read and absorb the themes of righteousness? Humanity is going down the drain. I’ve had enough. And frankly, Earth just isn’t as entertaining as it used to be. I made another planet where the dominant life form is all female, and they all are incredibly attractive models in their low twenties. That is a planet that knows how to worship Yours Truly. Oompfh. I spend most of my time there now spreading my seed and multiplying, if you catch my drift. Honestly, now I’m worked up about Trump and mad. I’m going to Babery. That’s what I call it. Like Mercury, but with mammary glands everywhere. And I didn’t create clothes over there. Ah man, I wish you knew what it was like. It’s better than a hot Neptune bath. Let’s just say the girls know how to use what I gave them.”

Thanks for the interview, God.

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