ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man has been able to calm himself down today after getting himself worked up over the coronavirus by changing one small thing in his morning routine.

Dennis Pearson, an out-of-work line cook at the Betoota Dolphins Leagues Club, said he feels a lot better in the morning if he doesn’t start the day with a cup of strong coffee and 40 minutes of commercial television news.

The 34-year-old said decided to watch the ABC this morning and surprisingly, he says, it triggered his anxiety way, way less.

“This morning on the Today Show, for example, they had this bloke on to talk about how the coronavirus was turning cattle gay around the world which would lead to a global shortage of beef,” he said.

“I love beef, I don’t need to hear that shit as soon as I wake up. The segment after that was about trapping your own pigeons and eating them. They had Barnaby Joyce on, who said he’s been trapping and eating pigeons for months now, and they actually showed footage of Barnaby gassing a garbage bag full of live pigeons with a BBQ gas bottle. He then got the compressor out and flew all the feathers off the carcasses then started cutting them up,”

“Then they cut to Richard Wilkins, who said he and Barry Cassidy have agreed to donate their face skin if they die of this fucking virus to make up one half each of a basketball. That basketball will then be used at the Sydney Kings first home game next season. I can’t take this shit anymore!”

Dennis then stopped himself from having another anxiety attack by visualising Michael Roland’s warm and inviting smile, which is often accompanied by his polite faux-giggle.

“You know what, I like how Nate Byrne does the weather. He doesn’t try to bullshit you or oversell the sunshine, he just tells you if it’s going to rain or if it’s not. Lisa [Millar] looks like she doesn’t take any shit from anyone. I bet she can throw a cricket ball further than Kochie, too. Old noodle arm Koch,”

“Paul Kennedy is pretty good. I like that he knows fuck all about rugby league – or any other sport for that matter that isn’t Victorian Leg Tennis. I like that he enjoys having a punt on the neigh neighs. For a Victorian, he’s a pretty good bloke. Madeleine the finance presenter would have a great share portfolio that’s underpinned by Vanguard ETFs and bluechip big boys like CSL and Macquarie. There’d be one or two specy miners in there and I like that. It shows panache. Panache is good in a finance presenter. Without panache, who are you?”

Dennis let out a long breath and smiled.

“See how calm I am now?”

More to come.

