The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Bob Huggins Issues Apology for Ref Mauling in First Round of Reddit March Madness

Bob Huggins has issued an apology for mauling an official during his team’s win against UCLA in the Reddit March Madness First Round.

The West Virginia head coach said he was sorry to those offended.

“I don’t see what the big deal is, but lots of people got mad, so here you go,” Huggins said in a special press conference. “I’m sorry if I offended you. There you go. There it is.”

It’s a different tone than he took in the presser after the UCLA game when the coach called Horatio Franklin, the ref he mauled and murdered at halftime, a “5-6, 140-pound blowhard.”

West Virginia president Gordon Gee, the first man to ever be 80 years old for 20 years, took over the podium and provided context for the situation.

“There was once a frog and a scorpion sitting beside the bank of a river. The scorpion, which cannot swim, asked the frog to let the scorpion onto his back, then swim the scorpion across to the other side,” Gordon Gee said. “The frog hesitated, concerned that the scorpion would sting him. The scorpion told him not to worry, he wouldn’t sting him. If he did that in the middle of the water, then they would both drown. The frog thinks for a moment and considers this argument to be sensible, so he agrees to allow the scorpion ride on his back across the river. “Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog, sealing both of their fates,” Gee continued. “As the poison begins to overtake the frog, he asks the scorpion why he did this knowing it would doom him as well. ‘I couldn’t help it. It’s in my nature,’ the scorpion replied. “The scorpion was never sued and didn’t have to pay out any money to family,” Gee concluded, “and that’s the moral of the story.”

The Franklin family, which has remained silent throughout this entire saga, released a short statement in response.

“We are very scared of bears,” the statement said.

Bob Huggins said he vowed to NCAA president Mark Emmert that he would not take the life of another official.

“I promised to Satan that I wouldn’t maul any more refs for the rest of the tournament, no matter how much they deserve it,” Huggins said. “Satan said they only have so many refs they can even get to do these games anymore, so I can’t be killing them off. That argument at least made sense to me, so that’s when I agreed to back down.”

Bob Huggins confirmed he would be coaching in the second round of Reddit March Madness when No. 6 seed West Virginia takes on No. 3 seed Duke on Saturday at 8 p.m. EST.

“It’s very difficult to keep your claws in your paws during a Duke game,” he said, gritting his teeth. “But, I made a deal with the Devil, and that means something.”

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

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