WASHINGTON—Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment. “Sorry if it’s the most obvious thing to ask about, but it’s cool if I suddenly unzip my pants and press my erection against a female intern’s body, right?” asked Whitlock, adding that he felt like he knew the answer already, but wanted to confirm, just to be safe, that laying his engorged penis upon the shoulder of an unsuspecting 19-year-old as she took notes in his office constituted “kosher workplace behavior.” “I know pinching her ass when I pass by and coming up from behind her to rub her shoulders is acceptable, but I don’t want to cross a line or anything, especially in this climate. Again, I’m sure it’s fine, but I just thought I’d do my due diligence and run it by you guys.” At press time, the ethics office was packed with dozens of other congressmen who had similar concerns and said it couldn’t hurt to double-check.

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