Losing is the new winning, insist Labour

Finishing behind your opponent is the new winning, according to Labour officials this morning.

Despite not being able to form a majority government, and finishing with about sixty fewer seats than the Conservatives, the Labour party is celebrating like lottery winners on their way to a Bentley showroom.

A party spokesperson told us, “For too long this country has defined winning as finishing first and beating the opposition, but today I can tell you that has clearly changed.

“The nation has spoken, and they have said that winning is now finishing a distant second and failing to achieve your political objectives.

“Yes, doing this badly for seats in 2010 was seen as a massive defeat for Gordon Brown, but this is 2017, and so it’s a big win for Jeremy Corbyn.

“Crack open the champagne!”

Labour voter Simon Williams told us, “Look, I get that on paper this looks a lot like losing, but we lost by less than people thought we would, to a winner who won by less than expected, so that technically makes us a winner.

“Shut up, yes it does.”