The dilemma Having been single for some time, two men have recently come into my life. Personality-wise, one is everything I want – fun, silly and intellectual. We clicked from the start. However, the sex has been odd, stilted and a bit awkward. I am attracted to him, love kissing him, but the chemistry isn’t there. I am wondering if it’s nerves and might get better. He mentioned his ex didn’t have a high sex drive and they were in an almost sexless relationship, so he could be “out of practice”.

The other guy, who I’m seeing more on the side, is really good in bed. There’s an intense sexual chemistry between us, very primal and instinctive. It’s a strange dynamic, though, as we hardly speak. He comes round and we jump into bed. I don’t know him at all.

I’m trying to go with my head and focus on the first guy, because this could be a relationship with legs. At the same time, when he’s not there, I can’t help reaching for my phone and asking the other to come round. I don’t want a relationship with him – at least I think I don’t. But the sex is so good. I think I know how to resolve this – cut out the “sex” guy – but it’s easier said than done.

Mariella replies There is another option. It might seem greedy, but how about you stall for a while and keep them both? As anyone who’s “settled down” will tell you, putting all your eggs in one basket may be tidier, but it leaves little room for surprises. When we make investments we’re encouraged to diversify and I think the same can be true when you’re trawling for a partner. All varieties of prospective candidate will wind up in your net and it’s only as you dispense with the throwaways that you’ll uncover your prize.

Looking for a lover for keeps rather than just for kicks means working out not just what you want – the non-negotiables – but also what you really don’t. Such wisdom is rarely purely instinctive and comes from hands-on experience. You’ve managed to narrow down your desires to two choices, each of whom has something you fancy. Until you stumble on a man who has it all, why not just take pleasure in your current bounty? So long as you’re not making promises you won’t keep, you’re not damaging anyone in the process. If you are frank about your desire to keep things uncomplicated with both of them, then no one can say they were misled. I appreciate it’s not a long-term solution, but it takes the heat off for the moment.

Two men who fulfil your needs is better than one who doesn’t

Having been single for plenty of my first four decades I know how desperately you start longing for a more permanent arrangement. Cohabitation, at its most fundamental, means you don’t always have to carry your cleanser, your toothbrush and a spare pair of knickers in your handbag. Auditioning prospective partners definitely loses its allure when it becomes serious – and it’s all too easy to get to a point where you are grabbing at anyone who’s upright and passes close enough by. That’s not the way any of us makes the best choices, and I’m worried that it’s the position from which you are trying to make this one.

Both these guys sound worthy of a dalliance, but anything more long-term would, I suspect, run into difficulty. Comparing a man who inspires you intellectually and makes you laugh with a guy who fulfils all your horizontal desires means you’re not comparing like with like. So, whoever you choose, you’ll be hankering after the assets of the other.

At present you have plenty of quantity, but neither man is of the quality to sustain a longer-term arrangement. It’s not the end of the world. At some point I daresay you’ll tire of the compromise required with both and at least one of them will tire of feeling inadequate. With choice comes comparisons and nobody can possibly tick all your boxes, so it’s as good a time as any to evaluate what you can’t live without.

Panicking that you’ll never find the perfect partner can cause you to overlook inconvenient details. It’s a good thing to be less tolerant, but not when you start to accept the unacceptable. You don’t know yet whether you can coax the sexy beast from your damaged companion or whether lover-boy has hidden intellectual depths. I dare say if you read back your own letter you’ll come to the same conclusion as me – that neither justifies sporting a Mr Right tattoo.

If you could amalgamate your two lovers you’d have the ideal man but, sadly, that’s not an option. Perhaps the answer is to lighten up on your quest a bit? You’ve got two men who, between them, fulfil your needs and I can’t help thinking that’s better than one who doesn’t! How about you just try and enjoy things as they are for a little while. I’m the first person to argue that when it comes to making a long-term choice we all need to be prepared to make compromises, but sometimes it’s nice just to slip into cruise control and enjoy the ride.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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