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BILL MAHER: And finally, new rule: someone has to explain to me how it is that the Democrats can’t talk about their accomplishments while the Republicans actually campaign on their fuck-ups. Last week President Obama had the frankest town hall meeting I’ve ever seen, and a woman named Velma Hart took the mike and told the president, “I’m exhausted defending you.” Well, if you’re like Velma and you’re tired of making excuses for Obama, just imagine how tired he is of making excuses for you.

[Applause]

I know. Unemployment is high but you’re the one who’s not working, not him. He has a job. And part of it is stopping John Boehner from throwing you off unemployment.

[Applause]

Now, I’m — I am not here to carry water for this or any administration, but the facts of the coming election are Democrats have real accomplishments to run on. Like preventing a depression and forcing insurance companies to cover preexisting conditions. Like stopping the banks from being the useless middle-man on student loans, and lowering taxes for non-rich people. Obama has passed a credit card bill of rights, he restarted stem cell research, and got our ass out of Iraq, and signed a nuclear treaty with Russia – not to mention the intangible of having a president who can pronounce “nuclear.”

[Laughter]

Why can’t the Democrats get props for what they’ve achieved? Oh, I know, I know. Obama is black. He’s used to being denied credit.

[Laughter]

And there’s nothing wrong with being hard on him. He is the president. It’s our job to keep him honest. But when it comes to voting, when we only have two choices, you got to grow up and realize there’s a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy.

[Applause]

Of course, the Democrats are disappointing. That’s what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they’d be your relatives. But in this country, they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter D? Because it’s a grade that means good enough but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is R? Because it’s the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.