There’s a post going around saying to let people know if someone who harassed or abused you is on your flist, because they’ll remove them. I want to believe something bothering me would mostly improve if I spoke up, but it’s not so much the friends in common I mind.

At the time I started writing this post, self-care looked like sitting gently with myself, acknowledging that I have grounded reasons to feel as I do. I concluded that the longer term better thing was to do nothing, until the next time I did nothing while feeling crappy because it beats the near-guaranteed alternative. As I continue this post, I’m doing nothing again, as the person I’m about to speak about has yet another thing they’ve written making the rounds of my flists.

This person and I attended the same school. They were shitty (understatement) about my gender non conformity then. Over a decade later, friends we both made long after school (“re”) introduced us. By then, I’d transitioned, and they were starting their own journey. Haha yeah… one of those who used to hate on people who it turned out had more in common with them than they’d wished. #classic

I believe people can learn, change, grow, and do better in time. I gave them a clean slate, wanting to meet what I’d hoped was an improved version of them, the one that our friends cherished. Instead, hours after our re-introduction, they were back at tearing into me. This time over an aspect of my medical transition, which they oppose. I “won” a truce by appealing to their supposed pro-choice values: that it was my right to do as I wanted with my reproductive system. Suffice to say, it didn’t last long. Following our “fall out” they low key virtually stalked me for a moment, until I called them out very carefully. I wrongly assumed that would be the last time I’d have to deal with them.

The problem is they’ve gone on to become a trans community leader. At the time I started this post, it was screencaps of their viral posts and tweets being widely shared that left me in a sour mood. After a break, I’ve return to this post because this person has published a book, which is getting a lout of SO among our friends in common.

I’m not going to ask people to stop sharing their posts. This person is clever, I presume they’ve left out anti-choice content from their book to appeal to a wider audience, or framed it very carefully to not appear to be anti-choice at first glance.

The anti-medical transition vs transmedicalist debate is well worn, torn, exhausted but rages on. I’m clear that my accessing medical transition doesn’t force anyone else to do so. Anyone choosing not to access medical transition doesn’t take anything away from me. Society pitting us against one another is doing what privilege people do all the time for their own advantage, divide and conquer marginalised populations.

I’m writing this because it’s a common enough experience. Anyone who’s been in community more than a quick moment and developed a history with some of the better known members deals with this sort of thing.

As well meaning as that post is in inviting friends to disclose people with crap behaviour, sharing the above information with our friends in common would cause me more grief than reprieve.

Life will go on, this too shall pass. Repeat. And pass again.