



A beginner's guide to successful walting

Welcome to the one-stop shop of everything you'll need to know about embarking on the most rewarding and satisfying pastime of walting. Don't learn the hard way, but rather from the mistakes of others, and in no time at all you'll be boring people shitless with tales of slotting jundies in the 'Stan and busting caps on the ranges at H with 'Two Combs' and Fiji Bob. Enjoy!

Getting Started

And which balcony was that then?

Becoming a walt is not all glitz, glamour, and buying medals off ebay; it takes imagination (lots of it), quick wits, and hard graft. That's why so many fall by the way-side on the long road to successful waltdom. Even so more and more people are taking up this fascinating hobby every year.

As a budding walt one of the first things you'll have to do is to choose your regiment or corps. This is not a matter to be taken lightly if your aspirations are higher than to become a mere 'pub walt'. Many young (or indeed older) novice walts choose their unit in haste after reading yet another Andy McNab novel. This is to be avoided at all costs!

To be a truly convincing walt it's often best to avoid the more 'high profile' units such as the SAS or Parachute Regiment. SAS, Para, or Royal Marine walting is best left to the gauche and ignorant pub walts. If you choose one of these units you are sure to meet someone who is/was, or claims to be/have been a member of the same unit as you. Even if the other person is a fellow walt your vocal 'battle of the bullshit' with him/her may end with one, or both of you being outed as a walt.

Choosing a unit that no-one else would admit to belonging to is an almost sure-fire way of avoiding those embarrassing questions that Walt-finders tend to ask, for example: 'Do you know Corporal So-and-so?, or 'Which company were you in then?'

More pepper?

For instance, when walting as an ex-ACC chef, all you need to be able to do is talk about reconstituting mashed potatoes and occasionally shouting 'You there, only two sausages/Shredded Wheat/Weetabix' or 'More pepper!'. This will convince all but the most persistent Walt-finder that you are the genuine article. If any additional proof is required, showing them a snap of yourself in grubby chef's whites dipping your knob in a large stock pot will remove any doubt from their minds.

Chunkie-walting is also a simple matter. By simply going into 'stag-on mode', staring blankly into space and dribbling slightly you will convince almost anyone that you were indeed a chunkie. For those who wish to be über-chunkie-walts, an affinity for digging holes - and vainly protesting that the Pioneer Corps were actually a combat unit - will increase your credibility no end.

Another option is to make up a fictitious unit. Here the advantages are clear. For one it's impossible to meet anyone who has served in said unit, so no-one can prove that what you say is untrue.

This seemingly ideal solution is only of use for short term walting, as it doesn't take long to discover that your 'unit' doesn't actually exist. You therefore might wish to consider an appropriate Google entry to back your claim. It would also be unwise to give your location as somewhere other people may have been. A possible solution to this is to make up imaginary German garrisons.

Examples of fictitious units are: 49 Para and The Queens Ganja Rifles, as well as the more traditional Loamshires, or Blankshire Regiment.

Two Walts are Better than One

...as the old saying goes. Walting with a friend (if you've got one) is perhaps the most pleasurable way to walt. You can back up each other's lies and fondly reminisce about past adventures you never had together. By being able to instantly 'prove' that you're not lying you'll confound most, but not all, Walt-finders.

The only real drawback to walting with a friend, is that if you haven't agreed on your stories beforehand there may be inconsistencies which will be difficult to explain away (names, locations, etc.). But beware; total catastrophe could ensue should you become involved in an unstoppable Walt-Spiral. These are very dangerous waters indeed.

An Officer and a Gentleman

Anyone for Pimms?

Another potentially disastrous pitfall is choosing to adopt the old faux officer ploy. Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than a nasal guffaw and questionable dress sense to carry oneself off as a holder of the Queen's Commission.

Anyone who has passed through the hallowed portals of either Sandhurst, Dartmouth or Cranwell will be equipped with knowledge of such arcane things as mess etiquette and sword drill. Therefore anyone stupid enough to try it on as one of the chosen will be quickly identified as a charlatan when questioned on which direction the port is passed.

Your attire will also reflect directly. It's no use regaling of the time you debagged Ginger in the mess if you look like a pikey. Therefore a decent rig of tweeds, moleskins and an appropriate regimental tie is vital. You may wish to complete the image with a Labrador or Spaniel in attendance.

However, one thing worth noting is that (like gallantry awards and honours), commissions and promotions are published in the London Gazette. That means you're not going to be in it - no matter how burnished your brogues or how pressed your red corduroy trousers are.

You could, however, if you were really desperate to impress, find a common name and trace his or her career path and simply adopt it by changing your name by Deed Poll. Realistically, all that means nothing if you then start shovelling foi gras down your grid with the wrong fucking spoon! Stick to Other Ranks, it's far easier.

Get Connected

Unless you can rattle off a compendium of bezzers, you will appear to have no muckers. Every unit in the British Army has some (if not all) of the following:

'Dinger' Bell

'Dusty' Miller

'Chalky' White

'Tug' Wilson

'Nobby' Clarke

'Smudge' Smith

'Bunny' Warren

'Teresa' Green

'Strangely' Brown

'Windy' Gale

'Dutch' Holland

'Spike' Jones

'Ned' Kelly

'Swampy' Marsh

'Spud' Murphy

'Nosey' Parker

'Johnny' Walker

'Spider' Webb

'Harry' Black

'Derek' Rigg

'Frankie' Vaughan

'Lurch'



[Feel free to add]

Namedropping these will enhance your chances and, who knows, some may well actually exist and the person you're boring to death may well actually know them. Having memorised them, you're then at liberty to drop them in to the conversation like fine ingredients in to a rich soup. 'Nobby? Yeah, top bloke. 'I remember when Tug Wilson skiffed him in the Mally at Oberammergurgle. 'Fookin' hilarious it was.' etc.

Le Waltage

Apres moi le fromage!

For many budding walts pretending to have been in the French Foreign Legion seems to offer the perfect exotic mix of escapism, romance, and acting like you're dead hard.

Unfortunately many of these young, and indeed often not so young novice walts tend to overlook the inescapable fact that if you've spent more than a couple of months in La Legion you're going to have at least a basic grasp of the French language. For some bizarre reason though, many of these people are in their forties, and still live at home with their mum.

If you want to walt it up en Français, being able to sing Le Boudin in a voice that sounds like you're a forty-a-day man (if you actually are a forty-a-day man, Gauloise is the way forward) - and the ability to swear perfectly in gutter French - will stand you in good stead. Other ideas to make yourself more convincing are, for example, drinking red wine in pint (or rather half-litre) glasses, dipping croissants in your coffee - and not being a fat bastard.

Music-wise, Edith Piaf is your top choice (sing along and look soulful). Sacha Distel will do if pushed (sing along if you're pissed). But Vanessa Paradis's Joe Le Taxi is to be avoided at all costs.

Among the more obvious advantages to walting as a legionnaire is that you don't have to adopt some of the less savoury French habits (not washing for example). It's also not very likely that your local will be populated by ex-legionnaires, but even so a rudimentary knowledge of the French military and rank system is essential as calling a Corporal a General can lead to instant 'outing'. See here for details of 'ex-REP's' short, yet spectacularly unsuccessful walting career.

One major disadvantage though, is that while you may be safe from a good many Walt-finders, you are by no means safe from random Frenchmen. Mind you, to be perfectly honest, no-one is safe from random Frenchmen! In fact anyone with a good knowledge of French could be your downfall. This includes (but is not limited to) tourists, schoolteachers, wine snobs, chefs, and anyone with a summer cottage in Provence.

The Uniforms

Remember when buying your uniforms off ebay to buy them in sizes that are too small for you. This gives you an excellent opportunity for mock nostalgia (e.g. 'I remember back when I could fit into these trousers!') and removes any danger of you looking a twat because you don't know how to wear said uniform. N.B. This will not work with footwear!

Gong Ho! - Medals

If there is one fence you will inevitably fall at it will be this one. Many Walts make the mistake of bigging themselves up to Idi Amin proportions, such as legendary überwalt 'Sir' Alan McIlwraith. McIlwraith made the fundamental error of not doing his homework on the gong front (amongst many other details) and made himself look a total cnut by mixing and matching his tinware. This ain't Dorothy Perkins! Jamie Barratt also 'went large', and Roger Day did too - with 'fries to go'. Likewise, another walt, Alan Dobison fell foul of the Gongpolizei by not getting his facts - or his medals - right. Remember, there are some even sadder anoraks out there than you, and it will be spotted.

The wearing of particular medals pins your story down to specific dates and locations, and thus any inquiry from someone half-knowledgeable could be a cause for concern, and you might have to wriggle out of what could, quite easily, become a messy situation. If you really must tool yourself up with shiny things, then get them - and your story - right! Medals are a quasi-science and there are many pitfalls that could trap the unwary walt. They are best avoided.

The Lifestyle - Walking the Walk

Quiet menace

The world is your oyster - especially if money is no option. Depending on one's location, the right watch or footwear could mean the difference between carrying it all off or failing miserably. Remember, there's an art to looking ally in civvies. It takes more than having the Who Dares Wins theme as your ringtone to stand out in a crowded boozer.

The experienced walt will have every minor detail covered. The hair will be just right: not cropped, but not too long either. Sideys optional but highly recommended. Moustaches are also optional, and whilst the Jason King look is slightly obsolete, a good upper lip-full of hairage is no bad thing. Remember, there's no point in talking yourself up whilst looking like a complete cnut. What you're trying to achieve is this. What you're trying to avoid is this.

On the whole, the formal blazer look is to be avoided, as that really is laying all the cards on the table - and therefore marking you out for any lurking Walt-finder. Remember, this is also a fence where many a horse has fallen. Best avoided. Stay incognito... whist maintaining an air of quiet menace (of course).

Home & Office

It goes without saying that one's abode should ideally have some subtle decor that may or may not imply one's background. Framed-up chod certificates extolling your prowess as a successful, top-of-the-class, underwater, knife-fighting, high altitude canoeist are to be avoided, as such endorsements are totally fictitious and will only show you up as an eBay-trawling mong with no imagination. A regimental plaque - suitably signed on the reverse by Fiji Bob, Johnny 'Three Bollocks' McKenzie and the rest of 'the lads', accompanied by a photo of yourself and your bezzer (suitably clad) should be enough to do the trick.

Remember, you don't have to spend six months in the 'Stan to achieve convincing photographic evidence. A trip to the sand dunes of the Norfolk coast with a set of dusty dessies and DPM on a sunny day has exactly the same effect. Whether you choose to join the Black Rectangle Club and blank out your eyes is up to you. You may even wish to consider the airsoft option.

Keep it subtle

Should you be fortunate enough to have your own workplace then this too can be subtly adorned for maximum effect.

However, there's no point in telling people you've done time in 'the pit' if you haven't left the office in three years. Lengthy periods of sickness, however, gives you a window of opportunity to exploit - especially if you return after a four-month hiatus looking physically better than when you left.

The office environment should be adorned with very little. Regimental plaques are to be avoided, as word spreads fast - and pound to a penny, the Assistant Vice Deputy Under-Manager from Accounts is a TA officer with Them. A simple piccy of yourself and your bezzer will be enough. Absolutely NO certificates! Keep it subtle.

For example, have two wall clocks - one set to Zulu time. Simply tape a letter 'Z' over the face with insulation tape, or crudely draw one on with marker pen. Remember! Do not put it forward to BST during summertime. All inquiries as to what time lunch is should be replied to in twenty-four hour clock... none of this 'quarter past' bollocks. [Lunch is 13:00Z by the way.]

The Wheels

Nails!

Without a doubt, your choice of mechanical conveyance will pay dividends providing you make the right one.

Wheel-spinning in to the pub car park, before J-turning in to the parking slot with one swift, deft flick of the steering wheel will do your credibility no good if you're in a Vauxhall Nova. Doing the same in an '85 Range Rover, however, will.

Anything green and obviously ex-military will merely make you look like one of the re-enactment mongs or someone who works in a surplus store.

The Travel - Walting on the Move

Don't restrict your activities to the pub, get out and about. By far the most fertile ground for this is the railway station. Rest assured, waiting on the platform for the train to arrive with an (obviously) well-travelled bergen the size of Wales feels good. What feels even better is hoisting the said item on your burly shoulders the moment the announcer mentions 'Hereford' - even if it's just for a day return (and your bergen is full of crisps and jazz mags), your actions will be noticed.

Even better is the return journey, as it's obvious where you've come from and most of your fellow passengers will stare in silent awe as you effortlessly flip your 80lb burden on to the overhead rack with one finger, before putting your Lowas up on the seat for a well deserved rest - and checking your Traser® watch to make sure the train's on time. You've had the desired effect... and you ain't even uttered a single word. Now that's walting with confidence!

You can always try the airport too. Whilst modern air travel lacks some of the glamour and mystique it had thirty years ago, surprising results can still be achieved - especially if you've been on the sunbed. It's amazing what conclusions people will jump to if you've a week's growth of facial hair and the skin tone of a conker. Simply top it off with the right attire for that 'just got back off a contract' look - dessies de rigeur! They'll never know you've just arrived from Doncaster on a domestic.

Abdul’s here I come!

Should you wish to push the envelope a little, you could fly even further East than Norwich. Whilst this is the more expensive option, spending a night stopover in Jeddah, Amman or Islamabad will give you a true feel for the job and will reinforce your story no end - especially as you take (mental) notes of the locale rather than by just making it up. 'Yeah, Abdul's Coffee Bar first left off the approach road, one of my favourite haunts as a matter of fact!' And that baggage tag is worth its weight in gold when attached to the bergen you're casually resting your foot upon in the local after you're back from a job.

The downside of this is that your world may well clash with the real one. It would be embarrassing in the extreme if the Pakistani Police pulled you at the airport for whatever reason, only to find your luggage filled with Pringles and wank mags. Walting at this level can be as dangerous as actually being in the army. You have been warned.

Skills - Jap-Slappers Anonymous

Are you lookin’ at my pint?

Everyone knows that operators are a bit tasty when it comes to administering some 'careers advice'.

Whilst Unarmed Combat isn't on the menu for every sprog at ATR, some units (such as the Royal Marines) do touch on the subject, as it might come in handy.

On the whole, pretending you're a 9th Dan at Mah Jong is inadvisable, as should your bluff be called then you're first in line for a shoeing.

There is, however, nothing to stop you from taking up your chosen martial art for real. The benefits of this are twofold:

It will toughen you up and save you some beer money (in the long run).

It will most definitely be useful should your Paddington Bear 'hard stare' fail and you need to fall back on Plan B.

Most leisure centres run courses and it shouildn't be too difficult to locate a local trainer. Before long you'll be dishing out the good news to the local chav populace and have errant drinkers crashing through the pub windows in a shower of frosted glazing - accompanied by Bruce Lee-style howls. Fackin' nails!

Do not attempt to learn martial arts from a book - even one written by Lofty Wiseman.

Skills - Medic!

… and spread please!

Operators have many talents. They are multi-skilled and cross-trained in a variety of specialities. One of these is medic.

Some medics spend considerable time in civvy hospital A&E departments honing their skills on real casualties. Therefore, to be even remotely convincing you should be able to do more than apply a blob of Germolene to a grazed knee.

You need not know the ins and outs of open heart surgery, but some knowledge of the Human body and how it works is essential to enable you to carry it off.

Bluffing your way around a hospital in a borrowed lab coat is inadvisable, as it's a sure fire way of ending up behind bars. But don't despair.

Today's TV channels are littered with medical-related shows and documentaries. Several hours' worth of Holby City and Casualty will have you screaming 'He's gone in to VF' with the best of them, and in no time at all you'll be rectally infusing diabetics with a tin of Coke and a length of garden hose.

You might even wish to enrol on a First Aid course - a much simpler (and safer) option than masquerading as Doogie Howser in the gynaecology ward with the set of rusty labia clamps you've got off ebay.

Remember, if you're really keen, why not sign up at your local ambulance trust as an ECA? The pay isn't brilliant, but much better than collecting trolleys at the local supermarket. You might be tempted to quit after the training - but why? Once you've done your 6 weeks, unlike the idiots in the Tesco rest room, shortages and severe pressures on resources mean you'll be glued to your crewmate ALL DAY and he or she can't just walk away from your amazing tales of glory. However - be warned! There is many an Army walt who started out on the true path of righteousness with the best of intentions - but finds themselves becoming a Paramedic walt instead! Have a word with yourself if you seem to be purchasing and wearing a utility belt, becoming over confident with advanced airway devices, or wanting to drive the RRV. Do not lose sight of the goal here!

Skills - Talking the Talk

By now, it's assumed one would be conversant with the technicalities of all things Special Forces. You should have read the collected works of both Cyril Clunge and Andy McNab, as well as being a subscriber to Combat & Survival magazine. If not then get a grip! This is Day One stuff sucker! The information contained in these works should be sufficient to equip you with enough knowledge to convince even the most intense questioner.

Should you opt for a less specialised alternative profession such as cook or REME fitter, then a subscription to Catering Monthly, Soldier Magazine or Classic Mechanics should arm you with enough mundane information to have any inquisitor making his or her excuses before beating a hasty retreat. Should you opt for cook, then a pocketful of pepper sachets is a nice touch. The devil is in the detail!

However, if SF is your chosen path then you'd better buck up your ideas and get that act polished. If you've done your homework correctly, you will be aware that the life of an operator is more than just slotting darkies if faraway lands and bedding fit birds. You need skills. One of these vocational skills is languages, and the ability to speak in a foreign tongue adds a whole new dimension to your alternative life.

Don't panic! Whilst learning a whole new language can be both time consuming and expensive, there is an alternative. Invent your own! Remember, you don't actually have to speak Serbo-Croat. You just have to sound as if you do. This can be achieved quickly and with effective results.

Nothing turns heads like an operator switching effortlessly between his native tongue and some Johnny Foreign jibber-jabber, but be careful. Until comparatively recently, any alien tongue stood out like a tin of Wifebeater in a mosque, but now the entire country is awash with freeloading cnuts from every corner of the Earth, the impact is somewhat diminished. This is where your individual skill compensates.

The chances of someone speaking (for example) Azeri in your local pub are greater than they were twenty years ago, but as you're not actually speaking that particular language there should be no problem - unless you say you do, only to find that the person you've told actually does.

By far the easiest faux language is Arabic, as there's so many different dialects that even the Arabs haven't a clue who's saying what. A weekend listening to the BBC World Service should be enough for you to get the feel of your chosen tongue, and you'll soon be arguing in the kebab shop fluently. The kebab shop owner will think you're taking the piss and argue back (albeit in his own native tongue and quite possibly violently) which only adds to the authenticity (and risk factor), and with your PIA baggage label on your dusty Bergen and your spray-tan, the image is complete!

Choose Your Target

I feel like a chicken tonite!

The real skill in walting is picking your target: who are you trying to impress and why? Blurting out your bogus war stories to everyone in earshot down the pub can make you the temporary centre of attention but it is fraught with danger. It's all about targetting.

Once you've acquired the wardrobe and the 1000 yard stare, the obvious target for your blather is the slightly ditzy, easily impressed, blonde nymphomaniac; not the the big taciturn guy in the North Face jacket with the walrus moustache. While both may actually give you a sympathy nosh, there's a real danger that Mr Facial Hair is the SSM of B Squadron at Hereford.

You should, by now, be 'operational' and, as such, wish to test your skills to the limit. No finer environment exists for plying your trade than a glitzy society event: a target-rich environment if ever there was one.

You therefore may wish to seriously consider the Russian Summer Ball - an annual event held in the sumptuous halls of the city's finest clubs and hotels. So pack your Tux... it's off to London. Your carriage awaits!

Wired For Sound

Dinger… we’re on!

The days of queueing for the phone box are long gone. These days everyone is 'comm'd up' with laptops, Blackberries, Bluetooth and all manner of Gucci phones. Whilst a bleeping pager or a mobile the size of a shoe box will no longer mark you out as an 'on call' brain surgeon or one of 'Them' - and would (in any case) result in howls of laughter rather than awe - this can still be used to your advantage. For example:

Whilst buying a pint (in full North Face get up and dessie boots/jeans) the alarm on your mobile phone goes off at a timed moment. 'Sir? Yes sir. Can you not get anyone from A squadron to do it? Roger that boss, on my way.' 'Sorry mate. I... erm... have to go.' Throw fiver at barman and leg it, adding 'Keep the change mate!' and with phone in other hand 'Johnny? Yeah it's me, Dinger! We got a job mate. Get the lads together.'

The astonished drinkers will then hear the sound of car wheels screeching off outside, only for you to return two days later looking exhausted - and having visited the tanning salon six times. Result!

Thanks to callum13 for this obviously well-rehearsed scenario.

Extreme Walting - Life on the Edge

Norman Stanley Fletcher…

For some, simply spinning a yarn is simply not enough and they decide to commit Walticide by throwing themselves to the lions. Should you feel the urge then great care is required as this is hazardous.

For example, anyone falsely claiming to be a 3 Para Longdon veteran in Aldershot around Airborne Forces Day is looking forward to a severe shoeing. Incredibly, there are some who try and invariably fail - sometimes spectacularly.

The perennial favourite - the Vietnam POW - is also fraught with danger as Alan Dobison discovered. The US Department of Defense has a complete and exhaustive list of everyone who spent any time in North Vietnamese or Viet Cong captivity, and if you aren't on it - but claim to be a 'Nam POW' - then you're looking at international ridicule on various high-profile websites.

Slightly more frighteningly: falsely claiming to have won the Congressional Medal of Honor - or even just owning one (or a replica!) if you haven't been awarded it - is a Federal offence. The FBI will have your back doors in and you'll be carted off to the state pen for twenty years' worth of anal re-boring in the ablutions. Blimey!

Out on a Limb

Most things in life can be turned around and used to some advantage if you’re imaginative enough – including a disability.

Even losing an arm or a leg, for example, in an industrial press or agricultural baling machine can be transformed in to the perfect opportunity for endless lashings of sympathy and tall stories. OK, so it was your wanking hand, but pull yourself together and start to exploit your situation to the full.

Nothing will lend credibility to your tales like a bloody stump. Poking your hook at someone to emphasise just what an exciting and action-filled life you’ve had will gain you much kudos - and nobody will question your misfortune. It worked for Barry Simkins and it’ll work for you too. Remember: you can always make a few bob during the panto season playing Captain Hook or Long John Silver should you get the urge.

Aaaaaar Jim lad!

If Health and Safety were right all along – and that seemingly harmless horseplay with the office stapler really did have you eye out – then all is not lost. By all means get a glass one, but an unblinking mono-stare won’t get chins wagging in quite the same way that an eye patch worn at a jaunty angle will. You’ll look like Moshe Dayan and, more importantly, you’ll feel and act accordingly: nails!

Should you wish to exploit a disability - such as a false arm – without actually having undergone the inconvenience of losing one, then simply bind up your elbow with a crepe bandage and wear a single black leather glove – remembering to put it on the correct hand. You will look like a Bond villain – especially if you do both arms and legs and wear an eye patch. Think Kenneth More in Reach for the Sky – and then some - and you’ll find you get instant sympathy from attractive members of the opposite sex - especially in rural tea rooms. What could possibly go wrong?

Workin' Nine-to-Five

You should now be fully schooled in the art of Walting. You are totally convincing, walk the walk, talk the talk, have a complete false resume - and a photo album to die for - to back up your stories; not to mention a comprehensive wardrobe and some ‘contacts’ you’ve made. So why waste all that effort largeing it up at the British Legion? Why not go full time?

That’s right, as bizarre as the concept might initially seem, there’s no reason why Walting should not be a career. You have had the spuds to carry it all off this far, so that extra mile should present no real problems.

Croydon… not!

You might wish to consider setting up your own security consultancy - with its attendant opportunities for travel. This in itself will allow you to expand your portfolio and take loads of happy snaps in far flung locations.

Travel is cheaper than ever these days, so now you don’t have to fill your back yard with palm trees from the local garden centre to get that desired tropical effect for your album. Remember: nothing drops knickers like a passport full of exotic stamps and visas. What could go wrong? You’re a legitimate and registered company... sort of.

You might want to give Companies House a miss though, as people will start asking all sorts of awkward questions - and that’s not what Walting is about. The taxman should be avoided like the plague too, so make sure your contact details are suitably ambiguous and that any monies received for your expertise are made out to you personally. After all, it’s you that’s earned it.

You’ll need a PO Box number and a bank account, and you’ll need stationary: business cards, headed paper, certificates etc. All this is no big deal. You can even design your own logo on MS Paintbox and make your own paperwork. It’s quite easy. Merchandising is also worth thinking about. Nothing too outrageous, but something cheap and, more importantly, sellable - like badges and t-shirts.

Your holidays abroad are now ‘business trips’, and in no time at all you’ll be a perma-tanned hero that’s always ‘away on a job’ for weeks on end: a never-ending vacation. Your periodic visits to the local pub will be met with awe: ‘You’re always away doing stuff. What exactly do you do?’ If only they knew.

Ensure you always pack some military-style clothing when you go abroad. This will enable you to keep your portfolio up to date with credible images. But be careful, as some countries take a dim view of military kit and you might be mistaken for a real mercenary. So there’s no need to go mad with chest rigs and helmets, just some subtle military-style civvies and maybe a beret for that special photo opportunity. Best check beforehand though, as the last thing you want is to be wired up to the mains and explaining yourself in a foreign prison cell.

You should now have some sort of (if not a regular) income. Should you not then you need to expand. Why not take classes and teach others? Why should you get all the glory? Needless to say, every course member will pass with flying colours and get a rather spiffy certificate to state they’ve attended your course and are now fully conversant in whatever you chose to teach them – again, keeping it reasonably simple and obvious so there’s no come back.

You can go even further. Why not then sell your expertise to successful candidates as a franchise? In turn they teach others your skills and techniques (endorsed by you, and for a fee) and all monies go direct in to your offshore account in the Channel Islands.

Remember though, as you’re not actually qualified in anything, it would be fanciful in the extreme to think that your teachings meant anything. In any case, you’re not selling a product, you’re selling a dream. They get a worthless certificate that you’ve knocked up on MS Word (and maybe a cheap t-shirt) and you pocket a few grand. Everyone’s a winner!

You will also have an easily-replicated and professionally-produced website than you can sell (at a price) as part of the franchise. This is a vitally important component of the sales package and ideally should centre around you. It will, of course, contain your glittering CV and lots of images of yourself dressed in all manner of kit - and in all manner of exotic locations. All those photos were for a reason after all. It looks great, doesn’t it? They’ll be queuing around the block to sign up for this. You can now sit back and watch the beer chits roll in. Congratulations - you are now Walting at World Class level.

All this, however, takes time. It also flies in the face of normality and common sense and is verging on Walticide. That said, it’s worth a go, and nothing ventured, 'nothing gained' as they say. ‘He Who Dares Rodney!’ It will, in all probability, take several years of jetting around the world to really notice the fiscal rewards, but you have all the time in the world. In the words of the late, great Dolly Parton: ‘Workin’ nine-to-five, what a way to make a living’. She wasn’t wrong. Good luck.

To be continued.....

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