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UPDATE: Onion Social announced today that the site was recently victim to a massive security breach, compromising millions of users’ genitals. While the issue is being addressed, representatives urge all users to immediately change their genitals, suggesting that they add symbols or change the degree of engorgement.




PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the unparalleled precision and numerous uses of its new state-of-the-art security feature, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum held a press conference Monday to announce the very first-of-its-kind genital recognition software.




“Able to recognize a user’s genitalia with 99.9 percent accuracy in mere nanoseconds, our new Pudenda technology makes entering your password a thing of the past,” said the brainchild behind the largest and most popular social media site in the world. “All an Onion Social user will have to do to activate the unlocking system is expose his or her private parts to their computer’s webcam, or simply slip the phone into their pants for use with the mobile app.”

According to the CEO, the new system incorporates a sophisticated algorithm combined with high-resolution landmark mapping to extract the distinct features of a person’s vulva or penis—including length, shape, girth, asymmetry, discoloration, and unidentified bumps—and compare it to its large collection of genital photos stored in the system’s secure, encrypted database for identification that is as unique as matching a fingerprint.


With security being a hot-button issue and incredibly important to the ethos of the company, Rosenbaum assured that authentication via matching shaft curvage and irregular labia shape was “completely unhackable” and would be incorporated into other Onion Social programs and apps immediately. The company is currently preparing Pudenda to be synced with users’ personal O-Pay accounts in order to make purchases, the billionaire entrepreneur added.

“All you will have to do is tap your genitals against any store’s compatible POS system, and you’ll be out the door as fast as you can zip up your pants and take your bags,” said Rosenbaum. “The only credit card you’ll ever need is right between your legs.”


Rosenbaum added that he had high hopes for the success of the new security software after seeing its remarkable ability to accurately tag users in the thousands of nude photos already existing publicly on the site.

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