by the fresh coconut

Happy Raksha Bandhan, everyone! For those not so familiar with this festival, it’s a celebration of the bond of love between brothers and sisters. Sisters tie rakhis, or sacred threads, on their brothers’ wrists and wish them luck and health. In return the brothers swear to do their duty by their sisters and protect them from harm. Despite the patriarchal roots of this tradition it can be a great time to get together with your siblings and celebrate your relationship.

Being the black sheep of my family I rarely feel comfortable at any event and none more so than Raksha Bandhan. I’ve never been especially close to my cousins and this festival always feels like such a farce. That isn’t to say my cousins and I haven’t tried to get closer over the years, but there is a huge reason we just can’t seem to bridge the gap. So this year I decided to write a letter to my cousins outlining some of the things I wish I could say but probably never will.

Dear brother,

It’s that time of year again. We’re both forced into a room with our parents, made to enact the ritual of Raksha Bandhan. I tie the rakhi on your wrist, wish you well, take your gift all whilst you chat to the others in the room or watch the TV. If we were being honest with each other we wouldn’t be going through this farce anymore. Tell me truly, what is the point? You seem to think that the basis of our relationship is to play the misogynistic, “protective” older brother and that just won’t do.

Please don’t tell me that you’ll kill me and any guy you see me with. Who I choose to date is my decision and mine alone. And let me tell you something, brother; I don’t need you to protect or police me. I am leered at and catcalled by men on a weekly, if not daily basis; I don’t need you to protect my “honour” or fight my battles. I’ve had to deal with harassers before and will continue do so.

If you really cared, you’d hear the harmful and disgusting message you’re sending out when you say things like “the women do all the work in an Indian wedding – the men just sit and drink!” Women are not your slaves. We don’t work for men. Also, don’t diminish my potential for success by dismissing women’s achievements by saying things, like “oh, she’s only successful because she’s hot!” No, she’s successful because worked damn hard for it, just like you did for your ambitions. Stop being so damn careless with your words.

Do you think before you say these things, brother? Have you thought about what I’m hearing? Because all I hear is that you think women have a particular role to play; we are to be saved, our honour protected and our success belittled. But I am a woman outside of the role of your sister with my own achievements to celebrate, the ability to look after myself and an “honour” that doesn’t need defending.

Is there a chance that you can see me as just me?

With love,

Your feminist little sister x