JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered severe brain damage during his time lying dead in the tomb. “Although Christ was able to rise after his period in the tomb, our findings suggest that he had lost a significant number of brain cells as a consequence of lying deceased for 72 hours straight,” said Dr. Tara O’Rourke, noting that oxygen deprivation from his death led to motor failure that required him to be carried by disciples, as well as memory loss that resulted in Jesus repeatedly mistaking Mary Magdalene and Luke for his mother and father. “Obviously, the 11 remaining disciples were overjoyed when they first saw their Messiah had risen. But that quickly gave way to concern when they heard him badly slurring his command to baptize all nations in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. There’s also evidence suggesting that the motor loss required him to be carried to the Sea of Galilee and mash up most of his meals to aid with his difficulties swallowing. Given the scale of his disability, it was clearly a relief for his caretakers when he ascended to Heaven after only 40 days.” O’Rourke added, however, that considering the extent of Christ’s neurological damage, it was really a miracle he even arose at all.

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