St. Louis, MO—

President Donald Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policies that have separated children from their parents at the border have been very unpopular, even among moderate Republicans, but Mr. Trump’s most fervent supporters, evangelical Christians, haven’t been fazed by the seeming unChristian executive actions.

“These kids who are being separated have already been born, so they’ve kind of aged out of our evangelical attention spans,” said evangelical pastor Robert Trooney of the First Church of Mary and Christ in St. Louis. “I mean, if President Trump’s ICE agents were throwing unborn fetuses in these cages, or removing little zygotes from their detained mothers’ wombs and sending them away to some other state we’d probably have to get involved and protest for pro-life principles, but these kids are anywhere from a few months to seventeen years old, so unfortunately, they’re just not the right fit for our pro-life agenda.”

Other evangelicals noted that President Trump was merely doing God’s work, so that liberals, media figures, and moderate Republicans have no right to question God’s master plan by criticizing the Trump’s Administration’s actions.

“God, in His infinite wisdom, personally intervened in Election 2016 to elect Donald Trump via Vladimir Putin’s team of Russian hackers and oligarch money-launderers,” explained local St. Louis Baptist Tony Yeager. “The Jeff Sessions-invented policy to break up immigrant families is clearly God’s choice, or otherwise God would not have allowed it. We cannot question Trump because, if we do, we are questioning God Himself. Unlike Obama, who was the anti-Christ. Barack Hussein Obama’s two elections were not God’s choice. Even though God is omnipresent and omnipotent, Obama’s two elections were things we had to rebel against at every chance we got to help out God, who definitely didn’t want that fascist-communist-socialist to be President. The only Godly thing to do was protest Obama’s dark Kenyan voodoo powers. Trump, though, is a heavenly prince who has lived a life of Godly benevolence, righteousness, and moral purity, and his election is totally God’s choice…unlike all the liberal presidents we’ve had thanks to Satan. But don’t think liberals getting elected in any way means that God is not all powerful, cause he is. Just, sometimes, he needs our evangelical help. …Yeah, something like that.”

(Picture courtesy of suparna sinha.)

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