Dear Ms. Clinton,

Yesterday we learned that when you worked for Mr. Obama, the two of you gave ambassadorships to the vast majority of the top donors to the DNC. I’m writing to inquire if I may please purchase an ambassadorship of my own, if you are elected president.

Ideally, the ambassadorship would be to a relatively safe country that has great desserts, but that would not be too expensive for my limited means. An ambassadorship to France, for example, would be great but presumably too pricey (as are most things in France). Libya, on the other hand, is neither safe (thanks for your hard work on setting that up) nor renown for desserts.

Perhaps the best location would be Cuba. I presume you would be willing to open an embassy there, despite its communist ways, since you have no problem behaving like a socialist when you have to. I could invite you down for a banana-based dessert and rum (presuming it doesn’t interfere with your medications). Another possibility is Haiti–since I know you have connections–where I’d also be delighted to host you for dessert (assuming that you don’t mind having contact with Black people outside election season).

If you’d be willing to sell me an ambassadorship, then I’d be willing in return to vote for you and to make a sizeable donation to your campaign / the DNC. I’d happily look past your email server, past the Clinton Foundation, past the way you and the DNC treated Bernie, past the crap job you did as SecState, and past your failing health.

After all, I’m just a deplorable pig. If you are willing to fill my belly, then I’d happily take my place with the rest of your Democratic cronies at the federal trough. (I wouldn’t.)

If your remaining supporters are willing to look past your moral failings and focus only on the negatives of Donald Trump, then who am I to be any better?

Yours truly,

Donald Durden