... Oh, god fucking dammit, conspiracy theorists.

According to a particularly inspired conspiracy, the Illuminati (man, those guys sure get around for a free-thinking boys' club that has been defunct since the early 19th Century) has been inserting royal blood into celebrity circles for quite some time in order to prepare an alien invasion (because of course). Their agent in these circles is none other than Shirley MacLaine, an 81-year-old Oscar winner and true entertainment veteran, who, in their minds, has managed to collect a list of filthy accolades even the Conspiracy POTUS can only dream of. Maclaine is not only a prime-class clone grown from DNA taken from the Saxe-Coburg royal line; she's also somehow the genetic ancestor of every single living royalty. She uses her royal fame powers to act in concert with the Illuminati and aliens, slowly dispatching the Hollywood notables and world leaders she meets and replacing them with some fucking pod people or whatever. She's also a demon-possessed satanic supreme priestess, because why not?

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

It's almost impressive, if only in terms of female empowerment, right up until the theory realizes it's giving a woman too much power, and takes time to point out that actually, MacLaine is also completely under the control of the CIA, which has used her as a sex slave for its missions. But who controls the CIA, then? It's a mystery, much like how these people manage to put their pants on in the morning.

If you harbor even a modicum of sanity, all that litany is really saying is that someone really, really doesn't like Shirley MacLaine, which is OK, because some of the things she says aren't the most likable. However, it's one thing to feel disdain, and entirely another thing to express this by painting someone as ... a pretty interesting supervillain for The Rock to fight against, come to think of it. For the three of you who actually thought all that makes sense, well ... did I mention they actually present the following video as proof?