Gently stroking the top of its little head, Prime Minister Scott Morrison this morning looked down at his pet coal, Robert, and quietly asked why no-one in Wentworth liked him anymore.

“I tried everything,” Morrison sobbed, lovingly taking Robert from his little cushion bed and placing him in his lap. “But for some reason they think I’m out of touch”.

In a tender moment between man and his piece of coal, Mr Morrison wiped tears from his eyes, leaving a smudgy black mark across his face. “Is it my tax policy? he pleaded. “Did I not talk enough about sporting teams perhaps? Should I have converted to Judaism? I should’ve converted to Judaism shouldn’t I? Just give me some sort of sign Robert”.

Robert, who does not talk because he is a piece of coal, quietly listened to the Prime Minister’s concerns. “You’re a good listener little Robert,” Mr Morrison said, before returning the coal to its cushion, next to the toy boat on the Prime Minister’s desk.

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