Edmonton, AB—Working the same job as an equipment manager at a post-secondary institution for over 20 years, balding middle-aged man Douglas Browning told reporters on Tuesday he would never leave his job and allow the next generation to acquire the necessary work experience to move forward in their lives.

“I think it’s great that there are a ton of opportunities on campus that give students decent work experience, networking opportunities, and a comfy wage that are currently occupied by assholes who enjoy receiving a comfy paycheck while doing the bare minimum required to avoid being fired. It’s a great way for young adults to experience the realities of the adult world,” said Chair Douglas Browning, browsing /r/redpill on his phone while ignoring the huge lineup growing outside the equipment desk.

Browning continued saying, “Sometimes I even go out of my way to help provide real life experiences for the optimistic and naive young adults on our campus. For example, a bunch of students kept interrupting our candid fitness centre booty shots appraisal contests so they can get the key for the table tennis tables. Instead of letting them ruin our hard earned lechery, we decided to just throw out their precious tables.”

Taking time out of his busy schedule, Browning pledged to sexually assault at least one female student every week in order to prepare them for the dangers of the real world.