WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

As the sports rort scandal continues to worsen this week, Scotty From Marketing has been forced to update some of his terminologies.

This follows revelations emerging last night that Scotty and his former Sports Minister Bridget Mckenzie had been exchanging partisan colour-coded spreadsheets regarding grant applications.

With that enough to worsen the scandal significantly, it was also revealed in a senate enquiry that over 40% of the grants were actually ineligible, which goes against all assurances from the government that everything was above board.

“Haha, nah those were little technical issues,” said the Prime Minister this morning.

“Quiet Australians don’t care much for technical issues and white-collar Canberra Bubble bureaucracy,” he continued, before receiving a tap on the shoulder from his media team.

“Sorry, the Upgraded Footy Club Canteen Australians don’t care much for technical issues and white-collar Canberra Bubble bureaucracy.”

Fielding a question about why Bridgett Mckenzie thought it was appropriate to fund a $150,000 study into the benefits of shooting which she ideated with leftover sports money, instead of the recommended INAS Global Games, which involved 1,000 intellectually impaired athletes from about 50 countries competing in 10 sports in Brisbane, Scotty explained that those visiting athletes obviously wouldn’t be voting in the election.

“Besides, they got some money down the track so why does it matter that Bridget blatantly abused her position of power,” a fired-up Scotty said.

“Now I’m pretty done with this conversation.”

“I’ll leave you with this. How good are Upgraded Footy Club Canteen Australians!”

“Up the Sharks this weekend!”