The Conservatives remind me a lot of Gwyneth Paltrow. Just as the world’s leading “wellness guru” seems beset by a constant stream of illnesses, so the “natural party of government” spends a remarkable amount of time having to manage crises. You have to wonder whether Gwyneth would be quite so sick, quite so often, if she stopped doing stuff like popping $66 jade eggs up her vagina, then treating lower back pain with an $89 “fascia-blaster”.

Similarly, you have to wonder if the Conservatives would be appealing for calm – again – if they just stopped doing crazy shit that then required more crazy shit to fix it. By now it should be clear that when the Tories “settle an issue for a generation”, they in fact make it a horror show for a generation. Their brand of wellness is expensive. So VERY expensive.

Thus you might find yourself confused by Brexit secretary David Davis opting to describe the weekend’s Tory bickering as “the height of self-indulgence”. Dude, it’s not even in the top 10 of Tory self-indulgence. Let’s not play favourites with the following acts of Tory self-indulgence, but you should know the most recent standouts include: calling the EU referendum in a bid to neuter the party’s own right wing. Calling a general election 11 days before negotiations started, again to head off sabotage from its own right wing. The entire concept and career of Boris Johnson. David Cameron and his wife posting a picture of their feet on a Spanish boutique hotel bed a week before polling day. Using a newspaper editorship to pursue daily in-joke revenge on a person who sacked you. And so on, and on, and on.

It's a GOVErnment of all the talents. Welcome back to Michael! — Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson) June 11, 2017

Or as Michael Gove preferred it: “Conservatives always put national interest first.” In which case the nation in question must be any but the UK. Still, Michael’s back! Fabled wit Boris Johnson greeted news of Gove’s appointment as environment secretary with the zinger: “It’s a GOVErnment of all the talents. Welcome back to Michael!” Spoken like a man thrilled that Lazarus has been raised from the dead, because it means he can personally inject him with Ebola later. The first cabinet meeting is going to resemble one of those movie gatherings of former friends that are precipitated by a death or suicide. Think of it as the Tory version of The Big Chill, but with even less appealing characters.

Even Theresa May’s attempts to convey continuity and stability looked out of control. As one Reuters headline read: “May keeps Hammond”. Drives like him, more like.

There are bits of emmental that had more of a clue about this election result than me

In other stability news, it was unclear from the No 10 press briefing on Monday morning whether the Queen’s speech would in fact happen as scheduled on 19 June, or whether Brexit negotiations would start that same day. (Remember, kids: only the Tories can provide the strong and stable leadership Britain needs. Only they can fix the stuff they break.) People are beginning to suspect the terms of any emergent deal with the DUP will be best pored over in a hazmat suit. And without wishing to go out on a limb here, there is a sense that the ritual sacrifice of May’s two advisers/carers, Nick Timothy and Fiona Hill, will not be quite enough. Then again, perhaps history would have been different had Claudius assured everyone that he’d sacked the help.

We shall know more after the prime minister has appeared before the 1922 committee of Conservative members of parliament, where she is expected to promise to govern more like someone clinging desperately to her job (I paraphrase slightly). For now, Johnson is sending messages supportive of May to the WhatsApp group of Tory MPs, and – as is so often the way with messages flattering to Johnson – these have found their path to the media. As a side issue: given the scale of mayhem wrought by the Tories in recent weeks, it is surely time to ask whether it is satisfactory for them to be allowed to communicate on end-to-end encrypted services such as WhatsApp? One for Amber Rudd to consider, perhaps.

In the meantime, what next? Oh crikey. What do I know? As someone who feared a big Tory majority, may I point you more profitably in the direction of the Ancient Greek practice of tyromancy? This was the belief that you could divine the future by looking at cheese, particularly the way it coagulated and formed holes. Because really, there are bits of emmental that had more of a clue about this election result than me. Furthermore, there are few greater amusements than watching people who dish it out have to take it. And I say that as someone currently taking it. This is just as it should be.

However, given how swiftly moving and changeable political currents are at present, may I offer a word of caution best summarised by the bad guy in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? Namely: “Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups.” Even those currently insisting “we were right” ought to at least entertain the possibility that they too could be just entering the hubris stage of their own story arc. We are in rather dark territory here. Given the immense volatility since the EU referendum, we may be in a serious pay-it-forward hubris market. In the phrase of the moment: life comes at you fast. And it just doesn’t come fast at people you disagree with. Or to adapt an older adage: ask not for whom life comes fast. It comes fast at thee.