"We went down into the Library of Congress and we found a microfiche there of two newspapers in Hawaii each of which had published the birth of Barack Obama. It would have been awfully hard to fraudulently file the birth notice of Barack Obama being born in Hawaii and get that into our public libraries and that microfiche they keep of all the newspapers published. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some other explanations on how they might’ve announced that by telegram from Kenya. The list goes on. But drilling into that now, even if we could get a definitive answer and even if it turned out that Barack Obama was conclusively not born in America, I don’t think we could get that case sold between now and November."

He thinks passing laws against dogfighting is an insult and a waste of government time, and he thinks the Bush administration-led mandate for slightly more efficient lightbulbs was proof that George W. Bush surrounded himself with communist infiltrators, but Steve King knows what America should be focused on: coming up with new explanations for why conservatism's dumbest, most transparently racist conspiracy theory must keep going in spite of all possible evidence against it Yes. Yes, there are many explanations for why the scary black man might secretly be from Kenya, despite there being no actual evidence of that. As a newborn, he might have been spirited to Hawaii by saucer people. He might be a Time Lord. Hawaii and Kenya might secretly be the same place, a secret guarded by hundreds of years of mapmakers, worldwide, who were in on the conspiracy. All of those things could be true, and Steve King, who is a moron, has absolutely no ability to weigh different pieces of evidence and judge the relative quality or likelihood of each—a feature which is no doubt why a group of other outright morons got together to elect him to help pass laws and things, under the supposition that only morons can write laws that would make sense to morons, which is probably true.

All of that said, however, I will personally pay 20 American dollars to have Steve King shut his goddamn yap already. While that is not much, I am certain that there are many, many other Americans who feel the same way, and that they, too, would be happy to contribute money to the cause. Surely, a mouth as stupid as the one owned by Steve King can be rented, and surely, a mouth as stupid as the one owned by Steve King would happily sell itself to the highest bidder, regardless of topic. I don't want Steve King to come out for gay marriage, or have a conversion on global warming, or even to recognize that maybe, just maybe, a decent society might have an interest in regulating ritual combat among animals staged for the amusement of sociopaths. No, what I want most in this world is for Steve King to stitch that uncannily stupid mouth of his tightly shut. A vow of silence, for America. When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to shut his unholy, rotten gob already, that person should take the fucking hint and just do that.