Yesterday was May the 4th, otherwise known as “Star Wars Day” (May the fourth be with you, get it?). And while I’m generally not a fan of made-up holidays meant to trick people into spending money on bullcrap they don’t need, I am a fan of Star Wars, so I decided to play a mental game where I tried to figure out the likelihood of whether or not characters from Star Wars would have smoked weed.

First, we need to determine whether or not they actually had marijuana a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The answer is yes, and not just because I have an article to write over here. Now, nobody ever directly references marijuana in anything Star Wars-related. The canon’s preferred drugs of choice are the “death stick,” which according to Wookiepedia is a pharmaceutical hallucinogen, and “spice,” aka naturally-occurring powdery substances that fuck you up. BUT, let us not be restricted by canon, and instead be restricted by the fact that this is a website about weed so if you’re gonna write about Stars Wars you also have to make weed involved somehow. Lest we forget, the original Star Wars came out during the 1970’s when everybody smoked weed, and also that all of the Star Wars movies, even the bad ones, are great to watch when you’re stoned (especially when smoking one of the approximately one billion Star Wars-themed weed strains). Not only that, but if we adhere to the infinite universe theory –– which states that we live in but one of an infinite number of universes, together which realize every single possible set of circumstances ever –– then logically there exists both a universe in which George Lucas created a version of the Star Wars movies featuring characters smoking weed on-screen, as well as a universe in which Star Wars is real and everybody smokes weed.

So, without further adieu, let’s try to figure out which characters from Star Wars smoke weed. For the sake of coherence, I stuck to characters in the original trilogy.

LUKE SKYWALKER

On one hand, Luke Skywalker is an angsty teen who drives a fast hovercraft and has issues with his dad, making him an excellent candidate for some rebellious pot-smoking. On the other, as his character develops he is revealed to be the galaxy’s biggest Boy Scout whose greatest loves are helping people and following the rules of The Force, which would suggest he is not a big marijuana fan. So, we shall begin our survey of Star Wars Stoners with a toss-up. (All of this goes out the window if you consider the Luke Skywalker of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, who probably got really bored hanging out on that island by himself all those years and probably tried to smoke every bit of foliage he could get his hands on.)

YODA

Yoda is a small, green creature who lives alone in a swamp. Of course Yoda smokes weed.

OBI-WAN KENOBI

Uh, probably? Obi-Wan was willing to die to teach Darth Vader a lesson, which implies he possessed a sort of inner peace and sense of infinity that weed can help achieve. Then again, dude spent like 30 years hanging out in a cave in the desert, so maybe it was just a Zen thing.

DARTH VADER

In the Star Wars universe, Darth Vader is basically a cop. Not only does Darth Vader not smoke weed, he’s probably killed people who smoke weed. In fact, we can be reasonably sure that Darth Vader has never smoked weed, because if Anakin Skywalker had been using his lightsaber to spark a blunt instead of destroying galactic democracy, he never would have become Darth Vader in the first place.

PRINCESS LEIA

Lest we forget, Princess Leia’s last name is “Organa,” which is basically the word “organic,” which means she definitely smokes weed. While Leia, too, is connected to The Force in the same way that her brother is, she is not a Jedi and therefore not bound by a Jedi code that probably strongly discouraged against getting high (so, you know, The Sith couldn’t get the jump on you). So, yes, Organa almost certainly smokes organic bud.

LANDO CALRISSIAN

This one might be controversial, because when he wasn’t playing Lando Calrissian, Billy Dee Williams was the spokesperson for Colt 45 and recently appeared in a comedy short saying, “Gimme my weed.” Still, I hate to say it, folks, but Lando Calrissian did not smoke weed. He was in charge of Cloud City––he needed a clear and sound mind to win the place in a card game, and he needed to set a good example for his citizens. Sorry folks, no kush for Lando.

CHEWBACCA

Trick question, because according to a fact that I just made up, Wookies are so big that they’re actually immune to weed.

HAN SOLO

As a swashbuckling drug smuggler who’s constantly taking insane risks and shooting people, on the surface Han Solo seems more like a cocaine guy than a weed guy. Peek behind those cursory qualities, however, and Han’s true pothead nature is revealed. For one, his best friend is a seven-foot tall dude covered in hair who does not speak English –– maybe Han Solo actually had no idea what Chewbacca was saying but was stoned enough to think he knew what Chewie was talking about. And on top of that, there’s plenty of evidence to suggest that Harrison Ford IRL is, or at least was, a stoner. “There is not an automatic yes in Harrison's body, unless it's for food or marijuana. And I'm not sure about the food thing either,” the dearly departed Carrie Fisher once said of Ford. Good enough for me. Onto the robots.

R2D2 and C-3PO

R2D2 and C-3PO are robots, and robots can’t smoke pot (yet). That said, as R2D2 is essentially the greatest, most lovable Swiss Army Knife of all time, I’d be willing to bet one of the gems in his robotic tool-kit is some sort of futuristic vape. Hell, if you think about C-3PO’s general demeanor and anxiety, he could very well be a walking piece of paraphernalia. And if you were a literal walking piece, you, too, would be afraid of getting confiscated and locked in an evidence drawer somewhere on the Death Star. So no these robots don't smoke, but you can probably smoke weed out of them.

Anyway, here's to hoping that Star Wars: The Last Jedi is actually an incomplete title, and the whole thing is actually, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Who Doesn't Openly Smoke Weed. OK, I’m going to try burn some Skywalker OG using my bong shaped like R2D2 — see you next week!

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