You may be a Budweiser-guzzling ex-cop stripper who worships Buddha, carries a pistol, uses Viagra and supports Barack Obama, fine. Just don’t you dare mention any of those facts on your licence plate.

The provincial government does not allow vanity plates that contain “obscene,” “derogatory” or “racist” language or that refer to drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, criminal activity, law enforcement, public figures, politics, or religion. Bureaucrats who seem abnormally knowledgeable about offensive words — 11-year-old bureaucrats, perhaps? — have rejected more than 2,700 applications on these grounds since 2006, a list obtained via freedom of information request reveals.

Though the transportation ministry accepts more than 95 per cent of proposed plates, it has faced occasional criticism from rejectees who believe its criteria are too restrictive or that its employees apply them overzealously. In 2007, United Church Rev. Joanne Sorrill became a political cause célèbre after the ministry refused to renew her “REV JO” plate because it believed “rev” could encourage unsafe driving and because Rev “is an alcoholic cooler-type beverage.”

Premier Dalton McGuinty eventually stepped in to grant Sorrill the plate, calling the ministry’s behaviour “laughable.”

“This is a difficult job being done by sincere people, but it is an imperfect science,” the ministry said in an email, going on to explain that employees use such resources as Wikipedia and UrbanDictionary.com for research purposes. “Balancing the right of personal expression and community standards is no easy task.”

The Star is a family paper, so we have had to do a fair bit of censoring of the list of censored material. What we can tell you without scarring your children is the following.

MOB.BOSS got whacked. As did WHACKED. GLOCK.18, REVOLVOR, KRUZ.MSL and 22CALIBR were shot down. A.BOM was deemed a reference to violence, as was A.BAUM, which might have just been the first initial and last name of a nice Jewish boy.

OLDFARTS was thought obscene, self-effacing 4NEWFIES, CRZCZECH and SLUMDOG lumped in with the white supremacist ARYNRACE as racist. DRSEX, SHAG.BBY and R.HORNY, among many much-much-more-vulgar references to sex, failed to score plates.

The person who proposed OBAMACAN in 2008-09 was spared some 2010 embarrassment; the people who proposed ARSON, 1POACHER, HAACKER, GRNDTHFT, WARLORDS and GNPOSTAL were spared the attention of fire investigators, wildlife defenders, corporate IT managers, OPP detectives, the International Criminal Court and psychiatrists, respectively. Speaking of criminals and mental health professionals, the unfortunately ambiguous THERAPST was also rejected.

A 2008 advisory panel argued the ministry should allow “positive expressions of religious beliefs, religious titles, references to passages from scriptures, and religious celebrations, symbols and mythology.” Nonetheless, the ministry continues to prohibit all but religious titles, and more religion-referencing plates (740) were rejected than those that referred to sex (592), violence (435), and alcohol (241). Among the “religious” plates rejected were PASTRMOM, GNOSTIC, SOLARGOD, PRAISEJC, BUDDHAFA, ISLMWAY, OM.HARI and . . . HOLI.COW.

The ministry has a 10-member personalized licence plate review committee. It meets weekly.

Plates rejected between 2006 and 2010

Religion: 740

Sample: S8NTJUDE, 4.SAINTS, B4.JESUS, B4CRHSIST, GODGIVEN, 6.DIABLO, AV.MARIA, BLESSED2, BUDDHAFA, DEVLL, FAITH.4U, GODSGOOD, GODSGR8, GODSP33D, HALAUJAH, HEISRISN, HOLI.COW, INFIDEL, JCREEPER, LAZARUS7, MINISTER, NASTY666, OHMYGOD, PASTRMOM, PRAISEJC, PSALM.24, PSALM.34, PSALM.72, PSALM.96, PSALMS24, SAAINTS, SINFUL64, TRYNITY, WRSHPHIM, IAMSAVED, JC.SAVES, ZEN.4, ENG666, 666ALEX, ANGEL.27, ANGEL.57, ANGEL4ME, ANOINTED, BLESSONE, BUDDHA.1, GNOSTIC, ISLMWAY, KAMASTRA, SHIV.SAI, SHIVSHIV, STR84GOD, AVEMARIE, HARERAMA, OM.HARI, SAI.SHIV, AMIEVIL, EVIL.INC, GODLUVSME, GODLUVYA, HADES1, HOLYMARY, KIRISHNA, LMBOFGOD, LOL.OMG, RAMADAN, SOLARGOD, SWASTIK, HEAVEN77. 121PSALM, 310.JOHN

Sex: 592

Sample: D.GROPER, SHAG.BBY, SZEMATRZ, BIG.STUD, NICE.BUT, A.QUICKY, HAVNSEX, HOT.HUMP, HORNDWGS, STRIPPER, SCHAGUAR, LILHOOKR, VIBR80R, MY.GSPOT, DRSEX, F1.PIMP, GRGASM, ORGES, RGASMIC, SEXXX, XXXR8TD, 4PLAY66, FONDL, FRCHKISS, GDONTOP, LIL.SMUT, MAKINOUT, VETDREMS, MYVIAGRA, R.HORNY, FORPLAYY, HOT.BUNZ

Violence: 435

Sample: 1BANDITO, A.BOM, A.BAUM, ARSON, ARTOFWAR, BUCKSHQT, BULLIES, BLOWDART, GLOCK.18, GANGBOSS, MILITIA, MOB.BOSS, TORRPEDO, WITCHHUNT, BLITZKRG, CRMESCNE, CRASHCRS, COLD.WAR, HIJACK3, ILSMACKU, PACNHEAT, EXPLOSIV, GRNDTHFT, SONOFSAM, STALKING, WHACKED, MALLKILR, REICH, TAZED, GN.SLNGR, GNPOSTL, LOCNLODE, REVOLVOR, TASER, SNIPERRR, YUNG.GUN, 1.COLT45, 1.GUNNER, 1.PISTOL, 1.WEAPON, 1POACHER, 22CALIBR, AKATTACK, BASSASIN, KRUZ.MSL, TOMMYGNN, EURO.KLR, KICKRDWN, WARLORDS

Alcohol: 241

Sample: BACRDI, BOOTLEGR, BUDWISER, NOBUDWSR, COORSMAN, GRAPPA.1, GUINNES, GREATALE, MERLOW, RUMRUNER, TQILA, WINETOUR, UNCORKD, ALEHOUSE, AGEDWINE, BREWSKI, MOJITO.1, MOONSHNR, ONDAROX, BUONVINO, MY.THAI, SANGREA, CARLSBERG, DAIQUIRI, DRUNKARD, FINEWINE, MYCORONA, RED.WINE, WINE.GAL, WYNE.GUY, WHISKEY, ABSLOOT, CERVEZA, SLEEMAN

Drugs: 137

Sample: COCAINES, CRACKO, KRACKO, BLUNTZ, SHROOM.3, BLUEPILL, OVERDOSE, REEEFMSTR, GETSTOND, LIQDGOLD, MEHIGH, RIDINHIGH, RX.DEALR, FARMACST, BADFATTY, SMAKDADY, DRUGIST, PRPLEHAZ, QUAALUDE, SNORTER, TRAFKING, 420.TYME, ECSTASY, XXXXTACY, LEXSTASY, MYPROZAK, TRIP.OUT, THE.DUBE

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Derogatory slang: 123

Sample: STUPDKID, EPH.U, FPMS, BUTTKICK, U.DONKEY, FUGLYSS, WAR.PIGS, JAKASJIM, SCHWANG, SHAPPENS, SHUD.IT, WTF.LOL, CHIENNE, FMYLFE, GRTYGURL, CRZYBTCH, HABZUK

Criminal activity: 15

Sample: CARJACKD, 1PITBULL, SCOFFLAW, HAACKER, CRYMPAYS, PYROBRAD, DEOFENDR

Political: 44

Sample: TAXESCUT, 44.OBAMA, BH.OBAMA, HOPEBAMA, OBAMA.44, OBAMACAN, AL.GOR, BILL.C38, EL.CHE01, NEXT.PM, ANARKEY, GM.RIP

Dignitaries/Law enforcement: 81

Sample: ICUFFEM, OLD.RCMP, SSGT.RET, CHECKCPIC, K9.UNIT1, GO2JAIL, L8ROFICR, BE.A.COP, PADIWAGN, SHERRIF, CHER.IFF, CIA.FBI1, GOVERNOR, HWYPATROL, LINEIMUP, LILCOPPR, OPP7324, OPP.2747, HYOFFICR, HIOFISER, NO.POPOS, RENTACOP, HARPER59, PMCANADA, OBAMA.09, NO.PIGS, X.RCMP, THEWARDN

Racism: 128

Sample: CYNAMAN, CRZCZECH, GRINGO.1, IGOTRICE, 1SEXYWOP, PIEDNOIR, PACKEE, 4NEWFIES, ARYNRACE, ARYEN, GRINGOGRL, CRACKER7, DRTWTBOY, RCECOOKR, SLUMDOG, A.WHITEY, DTCHGEEK, GYPSY.V, MAMMY.B

Abusive/obscene language: 180

Sample: FRIG.OFF, OLDFARTS, SCHMUCK, OMFG, DAMM.5, FRIGGIT

Reason listed as “Unknown”: 1,075

BALLERRR, BDECEASED, FLYINBYU, GTO.HELL, INTMED8R, NICE.ASH, RDNCKGRL, RED.NEKK, REDNEC55, DUN.DEVL, THERAPST, 12INCHES, BAAAAAAA, BUBBIEZ, KOCKY, PORNKING, RACEGUY, RACEFANN

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