To the storied world of the luxury spirits market, now, where there is exciting news for all those who’ve ever looked at Charlie Sheen and thought: I’ll ingest whatever it is he’s having.

The former star of TV show Two and a Half Men and conspiracy theories such as “Bush did 9/11” has become co-owner of the tequila brand Don Sueños – which the literature explains is “super-premium” and “farm-to-bottle”. And, yes, I am very, very much here for descriptions of tequila as “farm-to-bottle”, an epithet that really plays up the wholesome rural charm of this most pastorally idyllic of all the spirits.

Charlie will be a “great addition” to the team, according to the brand’s other owner, particularly in the way he can “promote the brand and tell our story”. Over to Sheen himself. “When the company reached out to me with an opportunity to get involved with their organisation,” Charlie muses, presumably lucratively, “I was instantly interested and excited, as, in the past, Don Sueños’ Tequila Blanco was one of my favourite sipping spirits due to its superior taste and quality.”

Clearly the key phrase in that sentence is “in the past”. And in the circumstances, I am afraid we are going to have to go there. A few years ago, the then Two and a Half Men star was fired from his position on the show as the highest-paid actor in US television, following a series of what convention demands we style as “bizarre public antics”. What had begun as gateway 9/11 truthing and anti-vax nonsense deepened into multiple spousal assault allegations and hotel arrests. There was Sheen’s claim he was a warlock, the suggestion his veins ran with tiger blood and that he was in possession of something called Adonis DNA. He had two girlfriends, and it later transpired he was being blackmailed at this time over his HIV diagnosis.

Anyhoo: what draws him to tequila ownership? “While I am proud of my sobriety for over 19 months now and am firmly committed to living a clean and sober lifestyle,” ran Sheen’s statement this week, “I chose to become a part-owner of Don Sueños because I know their tequila is of the highest quality.”

Mmm. The obvious issues with the collaboration suggest there is a desperate scarcity crisis in the pool of celebrity influencers. To wit, there are now so few celebrities not shackled to a spirits brand that marketers are left with no one to turn to push their wares but notorious alcoholics who are on the wagon. We can only wait to see how this one pans out, along with Sheen’s sober sponsor, presumably. In the meantime, line your stomach with something starchy, and let’s take a look at some of his competition in the celebrity booze market.

George Clooney’s Casamigas tequila



Although Clooney and his associates sold their tequila brand Casamigas for $1bn last year, he is still very much involved in publicising it. If you go to a bar and they ask you “which tequila?”, maybe request the one that makes you act like George Clooney as opposed to Charlie Sheen.

Chris Noth’s Ambhar tequila



Undeterred by the crowded celebrity tequila marketplace, The Good Wife and Sex in the City star Chris Noth got in on the act last year with his purchase of Ambhar, a brand described as “ultra-premium”. Or, as Chris preferred to categorise, it’s “better than Clooney’s”. The thing I like about that quote was that Noth gave it while in London to pick up last year’s Cigar Smoker of the Year award, allowing him to go full Swiss Toni. “Smoking a cigarette is like having sex,” Noth explained, “while smoking a good cigar is like making love, which is how I view Ambhar.” The agave for this is “hand-harvested in accordance with ancient recipes”, according to its PR material, with “ancient recipes” being one way of euphemising the fact that what we are dealing with here, at base, is tarted-up moonshine. Or as Noth prefers to put it: “Fine tequila is a drink that promotes conversation and mediation.” To which the only reasonable response is: lol ok.

Marilyn Manson’s Mansinthe



Ever the iconoclast™, Marilyn Manson shunned the basics arena of whiskies or tequilas when he came to distil his own essence into retailable alcoholic form. Instead, he went for some kind of 66% proof absinthe analogue, which he naturally named Mansinthe. According to the original publicity material produced around the launch, the singer “discovered the famed drink on Millennium Eve with Johnny Depp, and now drinks the potent beverage exclusively instead of regular booze”. Or, as Manson explained to Vice a few years ago: he no longer drinks it, “out of vanity’s sake. It has too much sugar in it. I just felt like it really restricted me from being fit enough to kick someone’s ass. Also, you know, when you’re fitter it makes your cock look bigger. Absinthe is the same as having someone with small hands hold your dick … when you don’t drink it.” Not sure whether that description rules this in or out as the bottle you’re planning to buy your kid’s headteacher or your business associate this Christmas; I merely pass it on.

Matthew McConaughey: a roving ambassador for Wild Turkey. Photograph: Rick Kern/Getty Images for Wild Turkey

Matthew McConaughey and Wild Turkey



Like all of the truly refined connoisseurs, I am interested in any alcohol being marketed by a man whose most famous intoxication experience is being arrested and hauled downtown for playing naked bongos. There’s a gentility to it, you know? Furthermore, you should be profoundly impressed by the fact that McConaughey is not simply the brand ambassador for Wild Turkey bourbon, but its creative director. As Wild Turkey explains, the actor serves as “the chief storyteller for Wild Turkey both behind the camera and in front of it”. Think of him as bourbon’s leading auteur – the Orson Welles of getting smashed.

Danny DeVito’s Limoncello



As an implacable adorer of Danny DeVito, I believe he may be the one guy who could convince me that limoncello isn’t just the drink they give you free at the end of an Italian meal, and that there’s a reason for that (see also: grappa). He also functions as quite the heritage pick in this roundup, having launched his own brand shortly after he appeared charmingly plastered on American daytime talkshow The View, attributing his state to a night partying with George Clooney. “I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me,” he reflected, and a perfect brand was born shortly thereafter.

Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head vodka



Forget everything you ever knew about vodka production when contemplating the actor’s Crystal Head vodka, which is sold in a bottle in the shape of a skull. The process: “Highest-quality peaches-and-cream corn is distilled four times into a neutral grain spirit and blended with pristine water from Newfoundland, Canada. The liquid is then filtered seven times, of which three are through layers of semi-precious crystals known as Herkimer diamonds.” Just like they did it back in the old country, even as Peter the Great was encouraging them to drink deep and pay off any debts by committing to 25 years’ service in the army. According to its marketing, the bottle is skull-shaped because it is a “symbol of life”. And if you buy the idea that the skull is a famous symbol of life, you’ll certainly accept that it reflects “power and enlightenment”.

Ryan Reynolds’s Aviation American gin



We conclude with the majestic Reynolds, on the basis that the Deadpool star has built an entire promotional strategy around taking the piss out of the celebrity artisan spirits culture. Shortly after acquiring the Aviation brand last year, Reynolds released an advert suggesting every juniper berry was individually blessed and apologised to before being pulverised, and claiming such things as that the citrus fruits are “misted using only the tears of Aviation’s owner – me”. Other marketing strategies have including his giving his only gin a four-star Amazon review, under the pen name Champ Nightengale. “When I woke up the next day, I mentioned to my wife Linda that last night must have been a REAL blowout because I slept in my clothes,” this ran. “I also noticed it was really hard to look out the window at the Seattle skyline. Partly because of the bright sun (I’ve always been sensitive to light) but also because I don’t live in Seattle. I live in Coral Gables, Florida. Also, it’s important to note, until that morning, I’d never met anyone named Linda.”