A weary Jose Mourinho has patiently explained why Manchester City’s derby win definitely doesn’t mean they are better at football than Manchester United.

City came out 3-1 victors in Sunday’s encounter and moved two points clear at the top of the Premier League table, but Mourinho insists that only a fool would interpret that as proof that Pep Guardiola’s men are a superior team.

“It’s hard to believe that anyone would fall into the trap of believing a game of football between two teams can be used to prove which of those teams is better [at football], Mourinho told FourFourTwo.

“There are many, many ways you can try to determine which team is better but none of those involve playing a match of football – that’s the last thing you should do.

“How are they better? Because they scored more ‘goals’ than us on a given day with a neutral arbiter and mutually agreed rules? Because they have 12 more points than us in the ‘table’?

“If there is any true way to compare two teams’ relative merits, which I believe there isn’t, it is through empty rhetoric and sneering hypotheticals.”

Alternative

However, Mourinho did concede that a football match may be taken seriously should the Premier League crack down on its lax pre-match rules, and instead send teams into quarantine for the week before a match.

“If we want to make this a real empirical test then the game should have really been played under proper test conditions,” Mourinho barked.

“Ideally both teams should have been locked away for a week in a laboratory where they can’t be influenced by the outside world.

“They should be fed the exact same number of calories, should be locked in equal-sized pods day and night, and should only be allowed to post the same generic epithets on social media.

“Oh, and the game should be played at zero gravity. Obviously.”

Mourinho clarified that should these conditions be met, he would acknowledge the winning side to be superior, as long as they won over 50 per cent of a 100-match sample which would then be reviewed by a team of peers for inaccuracies.

Cynics will say that Mourinho’s angry comments during the 2015/16 pre-season tour of Mars, when he insisted nothing could be learned from playing an exhibition match against Real Madrid on Hellas Planitia, undermine his latest outburst.

Please note: This satirical story is not real. We actually have to say this.

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