“Bitcoin Roast”

Hey, Mt Gox, you’re a Magic card trading site. You should have stuck to that core competency. Boom, roasted.

Hey, /r/bitcoin, you vote down anyone who comes in with an ounce of skepticism because you’re afraid any criticism will make humping Bitcoin’s insubstantial leg seem less pleasurable than you want it to be. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Bitcointalk, nice security you got on that SimpleMachines bulletin board. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Winklevoss Twins, investing in Bitcoin won’t win Facebook/ConnectU back from Zuckerberg. Boom, roasted.

Hey, CoinBase, good job making a trading exchange that only sells when the rate is low. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Silk Road, you got shut down by the Feds. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Satoshi Nakamoto, you’re a weeaboo. Boom, roasted.

Hey, BTC-E, your prime source of value is that trollbox. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Bitstamp, how does it feel being to Bitcoin exchanges what “Other Guy” is to the Three Tenors? Boom, roasted.

Hey, Butterfly Labs, two weeks. Boom, roasted.

Hey, ASICMiner, those block erupters get so hot they burn fingers, literally boom, roasted.

Hey, Satoshi Dice, “91%” isn’t really 91% is it? Boom, roasted.

Hey, Bitcoin Gem, you’re a Hot Potato that buyers have to drop at a 15% markup before they get burnt, AKA a base-level Ponzi scheme. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Dogecoin, the meme was old and busted before you even cloned litecoin-project on github. Boom, roasted.

Hey, Bitcoin, your confirmations are slow, your prevalent culture is scam-ridden, your sense of imputed social value is the very definition of fiat currency, and your most passionate adherents are starry-eyed anarcho-libertarian misogynists with the emotional maturity and investing acumen of preteens with ADHD. Boom, roasted.