With the North American 2015 Spring Split broadly considered “boring” and “predictable” by fans, Riot Games has hired scriptwriters from the WWE to help spice up the narratives for the Summer Split.

“Lately, trash talking and inter-team competition has gotten a little stale,” admitted Whalen ‘Magus’ Rozelle. “We’re hoping to spice things up and keep fans enthralled by introducing new elements, like having Reginald storm the stage to take out Rush with a baseball bat, or ordering custom-made steel gaming chairs in case there’s a sudden need to brawl.”

The writing staff isn’t the only department getting an overhaul; Jim Ross is expected to join the caster’s desk for the summer split. Ross proved his worth in audition tapes with his trademark subtle, nuanced analysis:

“BY GOD PHREAK, IN MY TWENNY-FIVE YEARS OF CASTING, I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SLOBBERKNOCKER AS COLD AS THE CINDERHULK META.”

“So far, the results are underwhelming,” admitted our source. “When we told Doublelift and Link to ‘go ham’ on each other, we expected piledrivers and flying elbows in the locker rooms, but instead they posted passive-aggressive Facebook statuses and then cried into each other’s arms.”

This new emphasis on team competition and bitter rivalries promises exciting moments in the upcoming spring split, including: Dyrus and Mr. Pillow delivering their signature move, the Mandible Claw; XiaoWeiXiao wearing a luchador mask and exclusively refering to himself in the third person; and a thrilling new storyline in which Hai gives birth to a new set of wrists, allowing him to recover swiftly.

“We think fans will love this new direction for the LCS,” gushed Riot’s Nick Allen, wearing a black and white striped shirt, before being distracted by Cloud 9’s Jack Etienne over a seemingly trivial manner. While Allen was trying to convince Etienne to return backstage, LemonNation was spotted sprinkling thumbtacks all over the stage, as well as wrapping barbed wire around Bjergsen’s headset.

The first real fight of the summer season, a “Hell in a Booth” cage match, will take place at the CLG gaming house, and will feature former CLG mid laner Austin “Undertaker” Shin and current AD carry Yilang “The Trashman” Peng.

The pre-fight Facebook posts are 20-plus pages of insight and team history… but you’ll only read the edge.





