It’s nice to be remembered. Even by a spud.

And by balanced ticket, I mean lots of roids and excessive bronzer that resembles offensive forms of historical vaudeville.

Ponder that metadouchical conundrum in this our time of Netflixian, Postmatesian, Grubhubian exile.

If Covid took douche-human form, it would be this guy. And we would all become the hot chicks.

So what would Hot Chicks with Douchebags actually look like in the age of selfies and social media image awareness?

Good question.

And who better to answer it than legendary Hall of Scrote ubersquat, the one and only The Gator?

Now your typical’choadal bagscrote might have a brief moment of douchey Vegas Greasewank ascendance in chasing the ladies. But that’s all it is. A brief moment of youth. A grasp at the douche ring before they eventually fade quickly into suburban ennui and CostCo runs.

But the true ‘bag legends? They shmear snail slime on suckle thigh forever.

Just leatherier. And with more skin cancer.

And who is Grator than the Gator?

Here we see The Gator 2020, replete with latest conquest, Leopard Selfie Hott taking inspiration from 80s teen comedies.

Gotta give mad respek to his sandbaggery visage for staying in the ‘bag game all these years. And by respek I mean poop.

To paraphrase the immortal words of Wooderson, The Gator might get wrinklier and leatherier, but them hotts, they stay the same age.

Just like the Gator’s leathery appendages and saggy pec mounds, so too do we find ourselves in 2020. Still here. Still lumpy. Still present. But hanging on to past glories even as the ‘roids begin to turn to ashes and colon cancer.

It is I. Your humble narrator. The originary Douchebag1. And you. Loyal ‘Bag Hunter, Mocker of Choad. You have come back. Perhaps hopeful. Perhaps melancholic. Hoping to figure out when the playful innocence of the early 2000s gave way to an epic, lurid global clownshow. The world might be burning. But we still have each other.

The DB1 might not have all the answers for you. We have moved on to greener pastures. But every so often we check back whimsically on the time when social media had not yet been commoditized, monitized, caramelized, and Liza Minnelli with a scary clown at a birthday party in the 1950sized.

Here are your 2020 Thoughts and Links:

If you like and miss the rants of your humble narrator, check out an article I wrote on growing up in Boston for a new magazine called Fifty Grande. I’m honored to be in the first issue. You should subscribe. Then you’ll be into these dudes before anybody.

This leaked clip from the upcoming Judd Apatow directed Pete Holmes movie looks hilarious and promising.

I’m so tired of all the racism on TV these days. From now on I’m only letting my daughters watch The Flintstones.

Someone sent me this interview of me from 2007 the other day and I don’t remember it at all. But then again I don’t remember most of 2007. I was jacked up on Night Train and HoHos and other assorted tasty Hostess snack cakes while sitting on my rug in my one bedroom in the not-yet-cool neighborhood of Los Feliz, grappling angrily with where it all went choady/hottie.

If you want to see the imitation palatial apartment building where the DB1 lived for most of the years writing this site, here it is. The fact a UPS truck blocked the Google Camera pretty much sums up those years.

Los Feliz is now a trendy enclave where annoying fake nerd sexual abusers live and they shoot ironic self-aware serial killer TV shows. But back when the DB1 lived there, Los Feliz was mostly just sitting around and having coffee at House of Pies.

I miss those days. Now it’s Family life in the valley.

Speaking of the Valley, this is how they make love in Tarzana.

At what point is mid-career Eminem just Max Perlich in Beautiful Girls?

No joke, speaking of houses of pie, if you’re ever visiting LA, go here and order the steakburger and a slice of apple pie. You’re welcome.

This clip of Zach Braff and his girlfriend Florence Pugh celebrating her Oscar nomination is hilarious.

And here it is, your moment of Zen.

Have a great 2020!