WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Today Speaker of the House John Boehner issued the following letter to the American people:

Dear American People,

Yesterday, your hardworking House Republicans tried, once again, and failed, once again, to repeal Obamacare. And I really thought we had a good chance this time.

That’s because we were all united in our hatred for this infernal and takes-too-long-to-read law. Every last one of us cast his vote to strike it down, from crazy little Paul Ryan to that arrogant bastard Eric Cantor.

And I wish you could have seen the faces of those freshman Republicans as they voted to repeal Obamacare—so innocent, so full of hope and wonder. As I told them yesterday, “You’ll never forget your first time.”

It’s important for you to know that even as scandals swirl about the cesspool known as the White House, some folks in Washington are still working hard for the American people.

It was a gruelling week for me, what with popping up in front of the TV cameras every five minutes saying, “Who’s going to jail?,” plus trying to rid our land of Obamacare. But I don’t want your thanks. Save that for the dedicated House Republicans who have now voted thirty-seven times to repeal. You can’t put a price tag on that kind of performance. Well, actually, you can: it’s cost the taxpayers over fifty million dollars.

And worth every million, damn it.

One last thing. I know some of you are probably thinking that after suffering this latest defeat, we House Republicans are just going to take our bat and ball and go home. Well, there’s an old saying where I come from: the thirty-eighth time’s the charm.

Courage,

John Boehner

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Photograph by Chip Somodevilla/Getty.