FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advocacy group’s redundant employees. “Faced with difficult financial realities, we will be moving forward without several of our key team members, whom we have had no choice but to gun down with bullets to the back of the head,” Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre wrote in an all-staff email, explaining the recently departed employees were each blindsided by the butt of an AR-15, dragged into their supervisor’s office, and told they would be given a generous five-second head start before HR representatives opened fire. “While we will miss coming into work every day and seeing their faces, which have been blown to bits and are no longer recognizable, we have a mandate to ensure the long-term survival of this organization, and once we’ve finished cleaning up all the blood and brain matter and skull fragments, we must commit ourselves to working harder than ever to fulfill our mission.” LaPierre went on to praise the NRA’s voluntary execution package, which entitles a killed-off employee’s family to temporary health benefits and an urn holding the cremated remains of their loved one.

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