Before we get to the rivalry, couple of notes.

A shout out to the MLU’s Vancouver Nighthawks for signing Takuya Saito, a great player from Japan whose dreams consist of playing ultimate and owning a hamburger parlor. Bringing players from overseas is a great idea and one I wish happened more often. For those who don’t know, the Japanese culture is incredibly considerate to visitors; they will literally give you the shoes off their feet or the only bed in their tiny apartment. Should you come across Mr. Takuya or any other Japanese player, be sure to approach with kindness. Shoot, while we are on the subject please be kind to all foreigners. Chances are they would do the same for you.

My second shout out goes to Lightspeed Venture Partners for sponsoring the San Jose Spiders. If ultimate is going to succeed in going pro, sponsorship is going to play a key role. Putting the name Lightspeed on the back of our jerseys makes us 3% faster because it is an awesome name and also gives ultimate a major boost in legitimacy. I heard a rumor that they invest something like four billion dollars in Bay Area companies and I am excited to be a small sliver of that big delicious money pie.

I have a call for help that is short and simple: The west coast AUDL needs refs. If you or anyone you know would like to blow a whistle and call a travel on me, I promise to direct my icey deadpan stare at you for only three seconds and I will only perform a disdainful head shake twice.

Now on to Roommate Rivalry.

The captain and catalyst of creation of the AUDL’s San Francisco FlameThrowers, aka Flamers, is Cassidy Rasmussen. Cass has meerkat appeal, the body of an adolescent girl, the mental resilience of a wine stain and the eyes of a sad cow. Cass is my roommate.

My other roommate is the musk ox man, Ashlin Joye, who just so happens to be captain of the AUDL’s San Jose Spiders. As I have alluded to in other writings, Ashlin loves milk and, therefore, cows. This explains why when I come home, I often find Ashlin sitting on the couch staring into Cass’s sad cow eyes. There are other theories which are not appropriate for public blogs so I will stick with the milk theory for now.

The rivalry has been festering for months now like moldy toenail, each side building relationships and allegiances as if the whole Bay Area is about to take part in the Hunger Games. Cassidy seems to be winning the diplomatic side, in large part because he wears a fire dress wherever he goes; Ashlin is winning the seducing people part. Thing is, neither of them are as clever or sexy or smart or as Jennifer Lawrence (side note: she is the first actress who I am attracted to not because of looks. Am I getting old?). Anyway, because neither of them are Katniss I doubt the ending will be nearly as romantic as the movie. I do, however, think it will be remarkably similar with both remaining competitors being from the same district, even the same house. My guess is there will be a grand finale with fires blazing and spiders biting. I will, of course, be holding out hope for a kiss as they turn to face viewers saying they would rather face the wrath of evil businessman than battle each other.

This roommate rivalry is the number one reason you should buy San Jose Spiders season tickets. The number two reason is the Beau Bobble Head, complete with power vest and slippers. All three of us will be arriving at home games in the same car. You can count on me to do my best to instigate trash talk and side bets that may include such things as betting you can’t throw three lefty hammers or that you can’t kiss four people on the mark. Let me know if you have recommendations for good side bets. All bets will be over household chores like cleaning the bathroom or polishing the cutlery.

Besides Cass leading the Flamers, there are many concerns and worries for the Spiders this year, all of which can be boiled down into the very troubling truth that we could lose. Gasp. Yup, while I am sure that all those who are reading love the Spiders and would never dream of our demise, it is possible. The competition is stiff.

Concern 1 — The DC Breeze

I have no idea what coach Dutchy, aka Alexander Ghesquiere, is plotting over on the east coast with his AUDL team, but I know he is plotting. He plots and schemes away while working for a vampire company whose sole purpose is to take your blood all under the guise of being a glucose meter company. He schemes and plots himself in circles like a dog chasing it’s own tail but just like dogs and vampires, he sometimes lands a lucky bite and you are left wondering if you should get a rabies shot.

Concern 2 — Team GOAT aka the Toronto Rush.

16-0, winner of the whole kit and caboodle last year. Heck, it would be foolish not to put them as a serious contender.

Concern 3 — Brodie’s team, aka the Chicago Wildfire.

It’s not that I think Brodie’s team is going to be the best team in the Midwest. It’s that losing to Brodie’s team is the worst. I tried it last year in club for testing purposes and I can tell you it is like pouring a whole cup of coffee over your new MacBook Pro and then realizing after watching it in slow motion replay it’s not the coffees fault, it’s your own dang fault.

Those three concerns are all on the East Coast, so luckily only one of them can actually become a reality should the beloved Spiders make it to the finals in Toronto. Speaking of which, back to my most dire worry: the Flamethrowers.

Somehow, through cajoling and corruption, the Flamers have put together a good squad of players. I can only assume the use of shives was implemented to get some of the players to join the team, but they did it and now they stand as a major threat to the noble Spiders. In fact, on paper I would say they actually have better players than us. The Flamers also happen to have coach Matty Tsang working beneath the folds. I would like to start the rumor that this only happened after the three crooked businessman who own the Flamers threatened the desolation of Matty’s most cherished belonging, his outside pizza oven. I would, though, like to point out the level of estrogen on the FlameThrowers will be slightly different than what Matty is used to dealing with, and I will withhold judgement of his skills with men till a further date.

The biggest concern, however, is what it always should be: my own team, the San Jose Spiders.

Lets start at the top with the untested coach, Idris Nolan. Babies and watching D-league basketball is his life these days and he still is rife with cynical eight-year-old humor, but will that be enough to guide a group of young men to the promised land of Toronto?

Moving on to the top players of the Spiders, Ashlin loves to surf reddit and peruse Tinder (a bare bones dating app which gets straight to the point of physical attraction, which I think is great step up from pretending we need to answer 48 questions to tell us if we are attracted to someone). Ashlin, however, does not love to workout. He will do it but he does not enjoy it. I am worried Ashlin won’t be in shape and that the always-training Cassidy will run him ragged as a rental car.

Next is Kurt Gibson. With the pulsing music of salsa clubs wooing him in Denver, will he come ready to play or will the likes of Jimmy Mickle and Bart Watson convince him that donuts and beer are better than training? I am not sure that Jimmy likes donuts but I can assume that that is the reason Colorado lost to a some of those teams at Stanford Invite. Whoever is bribing Mickle with donuts, stop it. It’s not fair.

Then there is the Spiders’ Santa Barbara contingent. I have no idea how that happened, I must have– in true Santa Barbara fashion– blacked out. Truthfully, I don’t actually know what goes on down there but I think it involves going to the beach, going to the bar, then repeating till you can’t tell which one you’re at. Will they be ready to play? Only Captain Morgan knows.

Rounding out the Spiders roster is a bunch of players that have the potential to be great if they are willing to step their games up. Taking that step from a good player to a great player is often the hardest step to take and requires a commitment most don’t want to make. We shall see.

Okay, you get the point. There is a lot of uncertainty, maybe even some fear on my behalf, which is great for all the spectators of the sport. I can no longer guarantee victory for the Spiders, but you have my solemn word that I will strive everyday to instigate the rivalry that grows like e coli in the petri dish that is my appartment.

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Upon investigation of my bureau, I was shocked to find no room available for my soft and sexy new shirts, so I must depart with some jerseys. Every time I write a blog, I will give one away– if my flowing words won’t bring you back to my next blog, perhaps bribing with wonderful signed jerseys will. To stay with the theme, I will be giving away my signed Spiders jersey I have been wearing for the last month, complete with artistic dirt stain on front from a sick layout. The way to win the jersey is by answering a question in the comments below. Whichever one gets the most thumbs ups wins. The question is: What was the moment you decide you loved ultimate?