ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

One of the country’s most socially-malignant conglomerates has debuted a new range of zero-use plastics that have been controversially designed to put the planet out of it’s misery while increasing returns for shareholders.

Coles Group, which last month attempted to convince Australians they were getting out of the pokie industry by migrating their gambling assets into a new company with a different name, have started to roll out their collectable minis this week in stores acorss Australia.

Contentiously, the group marketing officer from the Coles Group has said this year’s zero-use collectable mini plastics are designed specifically to both fatten profits and hasten the planet’s death.

“These new collectable minis have been very successful,” laugh Glenn Johnson, who’s been working in the Coles marketing department for 16 years.

“Kids go nuts for them. They beg and whine until their parents relent and start doing the weekly shop at Coles. Sales go through the roof every time we release these,”

“And they serve no purpose. They have zero-use. They’re made out of a largely unrecyclable plastic, which means they’ll only end up in two places ultimately. The ocean or landfill. But my giddy aunt, shareholders are happy. But this all comes at the planet’s expense. It’s fucked anyway, why not be rich while you still can?”

More to come.