It’s 7:57 p.m. on the night of the Bachelor in Paradise premiere, and I’ve had a shot or two of tequila to help get me mentally ready, as I sit at the edge of my seat to see how the rest of the nation will see things unfold.

Fortunately, I wasn't alone. I had Astrid at my fingertips via text and a whole Chicken, a.k.a David from Becca’s season, by my side. He was well prepared with tacos, guac, and a ton of tequila on deck. I try to keep my watch partners to a minimum so I can keep up with the show and remain active with Twitter notifications, but a reality show premiere you haven’t seen yet but star in is not something to face alone!

You see, there’s my recollection of day one of filming Bachelor in Paradise (the heat, those disturbingly weird crabs that look like puppets crawling across your screens but I swear looked like that in real life too, many margaritas) — and then there’s the sobering reminder of what actually went down and aired on national television.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be recapping Season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise, giving you my honest take on the couples you love and hate most, reliving myself saying “hooha” on TV, and giving you a glimpse at what really went down behind the scenes you’re watching. Let’s begin…

8:11 p.m. Long Live the Booty Blur

This was basically me as I watched myself roll around in the sand like a fool while declaring that I will “kill them with booty”:

But as ridiculous as that intro scene turned out, I’m glad the Miami spice in me made an appearance and let the world know I came to Paradise for good times, better tan lines, and a Facebook relationship status update (hey, I’ll even take “it’s complicated!”).

On the bright side, I lied to my mom and told her the show was airing on Wednesday instead of Tuesday, so that she wouldn’t witness me KILL **clap** THEM ** clap** WITH **clap** BOOTY before I could.

8:32 p.m. OK, fine. My uterus joke bombed.

Fail. For those of you who missed it, when Chris Harrison asked how my ride to Paradise was, I said it was “the most action my uterus has had in a while,” and he — well, he looked at me in pure confusion.

Clarification: The road to Paradise was bumpy. As in, on that car ride to the beach I felt like I was in an army tank on the way to the other end of the world. Not sure if that was made clear. I was really ready for tequila, both then and now, while waiting to see if this comment would air. So, bartender? I’ll have another…

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Kevin & Krystal & Me

I’m no longer keeping track of time, but hellooo, Kevin and Krystal!

Those Bach Nation fans who saw things unfold between Kevin and me at the Winter Games are aware some kind of chemistry exists, and I too have enjoyed a dose of those pillow lips. However, as great as that time in history was, Kevin went in another direction during the course of the show, and we’ve become friends since. When I first heard he would be joining us in Paradise, I did get excited, thinking of possibilities. I’m not sure I would have ever pegged Kevin and Krystal as a possibility, but hey, this is Paradise. To each his own.

Having had personal, ahem, experience with Krystal (you’ll remember she and I weren’t exactly BFF during Arie’s season of The Bachelor), I wanted to give him fair warning of the potential time (or glitter?) bomb he was facing with Krystal. Don’t get me wrong, Krystal showed up with good vibes and appeared to be over her “cold.” For all we know, it was Arie who brought the … intensity … out in her. But I remained on edge, waiting to see how things went for these two — and I’ll be kept in suspense until next week, watching to see how that went down when it was just the two of them.

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The Will-They-Won’t-They of Colton & Tia

Day 1: I wonder when Colton is getting here?

Day 2: I wonder who Colton is taking on a date?

Day 3: Will Colton even make it to Day 3?

Let’s talk about the Prince of Paradise. Tia wasn’t the only one anxious for Colton to arrive. I was pretty anxious to see what would come of this will-they-won’t-they so that we no longer have to wonder what their conversation would have been like, had either one of them actually picked up the phone post-Bachelorette. Like, neither of you tried to slide back into each others DMs? Really?

Quick rewind to before Paradise: Tia actually called me to fill me in on her situation with Colton. Already so much drama and we weren't even in Mexico yet. In case you’re wondering, NO you aren't the only ones who are annoyed with the Tia/Colton thing. I don't want to speak for anyone else, but I sure as hell was relieved when he asked her on that date. Imagine what that day would’ve looked like had he asked someone else. My head would’ve exploded. Can’t really blame the “Goose Gang” — a.k.a the protective clique that is Jordan, Nick, and Chris — for ruffling some feathers.

VIDEO: See Who's Looking for Love on Bachelor in Paradise Season 5

Grocery Store Joe

As the episode came to an end, it’s safe to say that if Paradise gave out first-impression roses, Joe would be swimming in them. Pretty sure that man could make out with every girl on that island, and we would all be okay with it. #JoeforBachelor?

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What you didn't see…

Day one is really long. By 8 p.m. I was ready for bed but didn't want to miss out on any of the action. There was one point when Joe caught me dozing off, so he swiftly transitioned into telling me a bedtime story. Interval napping #ftw!

Now that you know my feelings about Joe, let me tell you who else was on my day-one contender list. As far as male counterparts go, Jordan’s on the way to checking off all my boxes. But you can’t forget about Wills — those eyes and that shimmy can get anyone going.

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Stay tuned for next week to find out whether my hooha decides to whisper, and whether Eric was finally able to give me the booger clearance for TV. If you didn't catch the bloopers, my boogers were craving screen time, prompting Eric to lend me finger to handle the situation. Yup, that happened.