SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – As part of an effort to raise awareness of and generate support for California’s recent legislation banning plastic straws, the city of San Francisco held a plastic straw buyback event to help “rid our streets of these tubular menaces to society.”

San Francisco Mayor London Breed explained why her city made this extraordinary effort to wake people up to the all-too-serious threat from plastic straws.

“It is a well-presumed fact that plastic straws are responsible for thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of deaths every year in California,” said Mayor Breed. “Now, admittedly, some studies show that buyback programs don’t actually have an impact on, well, anything, but that’s not important.”

“There are all kinds of studies that say all kinds of different things,” the mayor said. “Our point here is, there are straws on the streets of our city. We are signaling folks out there, we don’t care if its Grandpa’s straw or your straw, we want it.”

San Francisco City Administrator Naomi Kelly discussed the driving force behind the event.

“Nobody really NEEDS a plastic straw,” said Kelly, “but America is just saturated with all this straw culture and iconic straw imagery. What’s the definition of young love? Two teens using straws to drink out of the same ice cream soda. What’s the definition of somewhat older young love? Two men dueling over a woman. With swords. Which are long and skinny like straws. The imagery is everywhere and inescapable. Plus, the straw industry targets their marketing to innocent little children with juice boxes and drink pouches, all of which come with pointy little – that’s right – plastic straws. Do you know how many kids have their eyes put out with these things every year? Probably none, but they COULD. And these are just a gateway straw to harder straw use, like McDonald’s or bendy-straws. No child is safe. We have to save the children!”

San Francisco Police Chief William “Bill” Scott said the buyback was “a qualified success.”

“Well, we did get a lot of participation, but I’m not sure it was the kind the Mayor had in mind,” said Scott. “I think she was imagining we’d get buried under a pile of military-style tactical plastic straws with razor-sharp crenelations and laser sights. Or maybe fully automatic straws where a tiny pump makes it so that you don’t actually have to suck on it, you just put your mouth on the end. Well, we got zero of those kinds, since they don’t actually exist. Mostly we got straws that were bent or cracked or chewed on. Stuff homeless people would reject.”

“But,” sighed Scott, “since Her Honor was coughing up actual cash for what was essentially a pile of garbage, well, she got her photo op, I got my overtime pay, and somewhere a little girl just dumped an orange soda down the front of her dress because she wasn’t old enough to drink out of a cup. Should put THAT picture on the Mayor’s campaign posters.”

[IMAO Ace Reporters Walruskkkch and Blarg contributed to this story]

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