One day at 12:00 AM on October 30th of the year 2015, Dracula, awakened from his eternal slumber, was sitting on a couch in the throne room of his new castle, contemplating its jarringly modernized appearance...well, not really, since it was actually just a modernized version of his boring old Symphony Of The Night castle.

"It's true what they say, isn't it? This castle really is a creature of chaos, and yet it always kind of feels the same every single god-damned time I come back to it.

"Wait a minute...this isn't even a castle!"

Indeed, Dracula's new castle was in fact a mansion in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

"Wow, what a bummer. I expected such a magnificent, wondrous, glorious building as my beloved, sacrilegious, beautiful, sacred house to be a bit more...oh, what's the word, it's rolling right there on the tip of my gorgeous wine-soaked tongue...spacious than this?" Dracula thought extensively to himself as Death walked into the living room.

"Well, I'm terribly sorry, but...unfortunately, people don't seem to be into real vampires anymore." Death explained while eating his spaghetti with eyeballs. "We're losing our wealth. All the faggoty maggoty dicks and vaginas in America keep talking about this pathetically idiotic fucking book like it's the best bloody thing they've ever read! I'm absolutely fucking sick and tired of this bullshit."

"Holy fecal excrement, Death, watch your sexually intercoursing language! Children might be reading a literary adaptation of this wretched accursed tale of woe on the Internet someday, for all we know!" Dracula responded with shock.

"You're certainly one to talk and rhyme like a pretentious douche whilst doing so..." Death bit back.

"Enough talk!" Dracula commanded. "What is this urine-stained abomination of a book known as? What astonishingly infamous title does such an astonishingly infamous piece of literary work boast, may I ask?"

"Twilight." Death revealed, uncovering the book's title and firmly grasping the book with his skeletal fingers.

Dracula spat his Bloody Mary drink right out upon hearing the book's unholy name spoken out loud. "Oh, praise the Lord, someone please kill me in my glorious legendary name, ANYTHING but that!" he yelled, gently setting his wine glass down onto the coffee table.

"Who in Heaven's name sent this accursed, wretched, vile, positively disgusting FILTH to our universally feared, honorable and respected address?" Dracula angrily demanded to know the answer to the question of who was responsible for this heinous crime.

"Um, it's a special cursed limited-edition nigh-unbreakable hardcover copy from Satan himself. Look, it even has this cute little pentagram drawn right on the box with bloody markers. And actually, believe it or not, no one even knows we live here...yet." Death explained.

"What about all those godforsaken, meddling, weapon-loving trespassers that I swear to God have some kind of sick, twisted fetish for invading every single freaking house I build and mercilessly killing me repeatedly in the process? What, are they freaking serial killers now or something? As long as they simply leave me the fuck alone, they can do whatever the hell they want! For fuck's sake, they can even consume a donkey's phallus for all I care!" Dracula ranted. "And for the love of all that is freaking holy, why do these so-called 'Vampire Hunters' always have to smell like a dirty skunk's blasted fiddlesome anal cavity?"

"You were saying?" Richter Belmont retorted, literally charging right through the front door with his almost superhumanly immense physical strength.

"God damnit, do you freaking self-loathing muscle-headed twats ever freaking learn anything worth talking about, particularly how to knock?" Dracula asked. "And did you ever even stop to consider how much that exquisite, magnificent, gold-framed wooden door cost? Did the thought ever even once cross your dumb-as-fuck mind?"

"No. It did not. Die, fiend!" Richter robotically responded.

"Wait, my friend. I think we should go back to our apartment and wait for about one more day before facing these two head-on. It'll give us more time to prepare." Alucard explained.

"ALUCARD?!" Dracula yelled in confusion. "What in the name of Lucifer are you doing here, my beloved son?"

"I'll explain later. See you tomorrow." Alucard explained, turning into a wolf and running off into the city with Richter on his back. There were annoying Medusa Heads flying around on the Tacony-Palmyra and Betsy-Ross bridges and knocking foolishly trespassing cars and people into the bottomless cesspool known as the Delaware River, so people were used to seeing crazy shit like this.

And so Dracula began reading Twilight.

HOW WILL DRACULA REACT? WHAT FRIGHTENINGLY SPOOKY SECRETS WILL HE DISCOVER ABOUT THIS SUPERNATURALLY GOD-AWFUL SHIT HEAP OF A BOOK? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT TERRIFYINGLY THRILLING CHAPTER OF...

DRACULA VERSUS TWILIGHT!