WICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s side, aides reportedly struggled Friday to prevent dozens of kerosene-soaked Republicans from lighting themselves ablaze atop David Koch’s body. “I don’t want to keep living in a world without David Koch,” said former Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, one amongst a throng of weeping Republicans including Mike Pence, Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, and Mitt Romney who shoved past the other mourners for the privilege of setting fire to themselves and flinging their burning bodies onto the billionaire conservative activist’s corpse. “Get the hell out of my way, Rubio—you know he loved me best! I should be on top of the body. Jesus Christ, David! David! Don’t go into the next life without me!” At press time, attendants were forced to intervene with fire extinguishers after the entire Cato Institute board of directors piled onto the corpse at once and caused the blaze to rapidly spread across Koch’s enormous estate.

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