Spoiler Alert:

I shall be attacking Batman v Superman, taking on its challenges and tackling its themes to decide if it’s a win or for losers. So read on only if you’ve already seen Batman v Superman, or don’t plan to.

Watch BATMAN V SUPERMAN here

0:00:39 The film opens with a funeral, that of little Bruce Wayne’s parents. He lost his parents, but he can find them in the cemetery.

0:01:31 Interspersed with the images of orphan Bruce running away from the burial is the stylised flashback of the night his folks were murdered. Unfortunately, no amount of style can make me forget I’ve seen this scene a thousand times.

0:02:12 In a shot lifted directly from Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, little Bruce plummets down a well. He always falls for that.

0:02:22

[N.B. This scene is an hommage to Frank Miller’s Dark Knight comic book series, where the entire pearl scene originates. Also noteworthy, Martha Wayne is played by Lauren Cohan, The Walking Dead‘s “Maggie Greene”, while Thomas Wayne is Jeffrey Dean Morgan, “Negan” in The Walking Dead and…the Comedian in Snyder’s Watchmen.]

0:05:07 Back to the future, Bruce Wayne arrives in Metropolis to see General Zod’s ship, the Black Zero, trying to terra-form the earth. This is exactly the sort of thing rural Brits are worried about.

[N.B. The Film Guy did a rather well-done mash-up combining the climax to the Man of Steel and this flashback in Batman v Superman.]

0:05:40 WTF!? Bruce’s staff are still in the building downtown, waiting for him to call and give them permission to leave? I hope their death benefits are better than their emergency policies.

0:06:24

0:08:01 Bruce arrives to see his building collapse with his employee Jack O’Dwyer (Hugh Maguire) still in it (which he can only know through some sort of intense, psychic bond). That Jack never left the building in the first place is a mystery, unless it’s because he wanted to see first hand how Zack Snyder copied the Twin Towers collapsing on 9/11.

0:08:56 Bruce Wayne goes to the rubble to find another employee (Scoot McNairy as Wallace Keefe) and rescues him by lifting a girder off of his legs. Looking at his legs, Wallace won’t stand for that.

0:09:32 Bruce then saves a young girl from falling metal. When he asks where her mother is, the child points up to the top of a mangled building. Bruce should tell her “Not anymore” and move her finger so she’s pointing at Heaven.

0:09:58 Superman decides to arrive at this moment. I’m still not sure how Batman could beat him to the scene in an SUV through heavy traffic.

0:10:27 18 months later, somewhere in the Indian ocean, two strapping young lads (Matahi Drollet and Mormon Maitui) bring up a chunk of kryptonite bigger than Warren Buffet’s bank statement / Donald Trumps’ ego/ my diction.

[N.B. The wreckage in the background of the screenshot is the World Engine, the other half of the ‘Black Zero’ Zod was using to terra-form the earth into something a little more Kryptonian.]

0:11:42 In “Nairomi, Africa”, Lois Lane (Amy Adams) meets Jimmy Olsen (a sweltering hot Michael Cassidy) for the first and last time as they go to meet some African warlord (Sammi Rotibi as General Amajagh) for an interview. They might ask him how he feels about his country’s name being a counterfeit of a real place. #Shicago,America

0:14:22 A dastardly looking private security guard [Callan Mulvey as Anatoli Knyazev, AKA the KGBeast in comic book land] takes hot Jimmy Olsen’s film canister and discovers a secret homing device located within. Jimmy should’ve known a film canister in the millennium would be as suspicious as Bill Gates with a BlackBerry.

[N.B. Thanks to a C.I.A. radio broadcast–“Talon is down”–we know that Jimmy Olsen is an assassin for a Gotham City cabal known as The Court of Owls.]

0:15:08 The rebel General takes out Jimmy, and I don’t mean on a date.

0:16:04 Strangely enough, the private security experts begin shooting the General’s team, whom they were paid to protect. Anyone left alive should inquire about a refund.

0:17:26 After the shoddy security blokes flee, the CIA launch a drone missile at Lois and the General, but Superman (Henry Cavill) arrives in time to prevent it from reaching the General’s compound. It looks like Superman is having a blast.

0:17:35

Deadpool‘s take on Super hero landings.

0:18:34 After Superman saves Lois, a CIA operative known as Python Team Leader (Bailey Chase) and his team arrive at the compound to observe how the General’s unit got burnt in more ways than one.

0:19:46 WTF!? In a Senate hearing, a “Nairomi” woman accuses Superman of killing everyone in the village!? And the lead Senator (Holly Hunter as June Finch) believes her? What happened to Lois Lane? Or the Python Leader? Do you mean to tell me this entire film is based on bad Intel and a gullible politician?

0:19:58 Trivia: In American university football, Metropolis is trouncing Gotham City 58 – 0. This is also the likely true cause of the Batman vs Superman fight later.

[N.B. Note the player brandishing a poster of Richard Nixon, which is a reference to Zack Snyder’s Watchmen, in which the beleaguered President didn’t know when to quit.]

0:20:44 While leaving the car park, the police car drives beneath a billboard…

[N.B. The observant viewer will note that “The end is nigh” graffiti is yet another reference to The Watchmen, in which the character Rorschach is seen parading about with this slogan. The Ace Chemical factory in the background is where an engineer called ‘Jack’ fell into a vat of acid and emerged as…the Joker.]

0:23:10 Responding to a radio call, Gotham City police officers arrive at a house being used to imprison foreign female sex workers. The officers interrupted Batman’s interrogation when they came prematurely.

[N.B. Easter egg: The unit responding to the call is “Delta Charlie-27”, which is radio speak for “DC-27”: Detective Comic #27 was the issue that introduced The Bat-man.]

0:23:38

Batman stamps his fugitives before sending them to prison.

0:24:44 In a discovery that will have many repercussions, Lois finds one of the mercenary’s bullets in her notebook. If she wants to exonerate Superman, this will give her a shot.

0:25:30 Lois and Clark now live together, so he no longer needs to use his x-ray vision to see her naked.

0:27:16 In the Bat-cave:

Bruce Wayne / Batman (Ben Affleck): You’re getting slow in your old age, Alfred. Alfred (Jeremy Irons): Comes to us all, Master Wayne. Even you got too old to die young.

Not to mention Alfred is getting younger. Jeremy Irons is 67 years old, while Michael Cain, who played Alfred in the Christopher Nolan Dark Knight trilogy, is 83.

0:29:43 Senator Finch and Senator Barrows go to meet Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg), who asks them for permission to import the kryptonite our island boys found submerged in the Indian Ocean [see 10:27]. He wants to use the mineral to build a weapon to use in case of emergency against Superman, or other ‘Kryptonians’. Or they could use it against Jesse Eisenberg, to stop him trying much too hard to ape Heath Ledger’s Joker.

[N.B. The Kryptonian shown undergoing the kryptonite knife in the experiment which proves Superman’s vulnerability is General Zod (or Michael Shannon playing dead). The Lex Corp researcher who presents the experiment is Emmet Vale, the doctor who changes soldier John Corben into Metallo, a kryptonite-fueled villain in comics.]

0:33:16 Luthor asks Senate committee co-chair Barrows for access to the Kryptonian spaceship and Zod’s body. Luthor takes a sliver of skin from the alien’s fingertips, demonstrating Kryptonians are thin skinned.

0:34:02 I still cannot get over this giant WTF. The African woman (Wunmi Mosaku as Kahina Ziri) continues to whinge about Superman’s impunity, this time in the news. Does no one realise that all of the local mercenaries were killed by machine guns and grenades and that Superman could not have killed them because he doesn’t have a permit to carry a concealed weapon BECAUSE HE DOESN’T NEED ONE!?

[N.B. Kahina is a reference to Kahina the Seer, one of Aquaman’s mates.]

0:36:18 Wallace Keefe, the bloke who lost his legs in the intro [see 8:56], goes to Heroes’ Park (think Vietnam memorial for the victims of Zod’s attack) and climbs atop the Superman statue to spray paint “False God” on the statue’s chest. WTF!? Superman ended the attack, not start it. Also, how did Keefe have time to climb up there and paint the text while the police were standing there, telling him to stop? Keefe painted himself into a corner…and a prison cell.

0:38:16 Bruce Wayne attends an illegal underground boxing match to clone Knyazev’s phone. Judging from the crowd, illegal boxing is a hit.

0:42:24 Senator June Finch tells Lex she’s blocking the import license on his kryptonite. But, like the rich man’s orphan once said, “Where there’s a will there’s a way.”

0:44:53

0:45:56 Bruce Wayne is going to a charity reception at Lex Luthor’s house to determine why Knyazev’s mobile is constantly sending info to the Luthor residence. What do you call Batman’s cell phone? The Bat-mobile.

[N.B. Misha Bukowski — the name at the bottom of the invitation — is in reality the Batman v Superman‘s key 2nd assistant director.]

0:46:02

0:46:21

[N.B. The suit is Robin’s, and is meant to communicate to us that Robin is dead, killed by the Joker.]

0:46:31

0:46:44

0:47:31 Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman are all in attendance? Is this a charity event for poor little Superheroes?

0:49:46 Lex Luthor’s “Thank You” speech is also Jesse Eisenberg’s concession speech, because it shows how much the actor has lost it.

0:50:43 At the reception, Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent meet for the for the first time and verbally spar.

Bruce Wayne: …every time your hero saves a cat out of a tree, you write a puff piece editorial about an alien who, if he wanted to, could burn the whole place down. There wouldn’t be a damn thing we could do to stop him. Clark Kent: Most of the world doesn’t share your opinion, Mr. Wayne. Bruce: Maybe it’s the Gotham City in me. We have a bad history of freaks dressed like clowns.

0:53:02 Diana Prince / Wonder Woman (played Gal Gadot) steals the electronic device Bruce was using to copy data on Luthor’s surprisingly accessible phone switchboard. After Catwoman, Bruce is used to women with light fingers.

0:53:34

0:54:08

0:55:24

0:57:23 Clark reads a newspaper headline in the Gotham Free Press [the byline is B. Elliot, do any of my readers have an idea to whom this might refer?] which states:

For Gotham City Inmates, Bat-Brand is a Death Sentence

Prison inmates kill you because you were arrested by Batman? WTF!? Are they suddenly on Batman’s side now?

0:58:54 WTF!? Lex bails Wallace [see 8:56] out of jail to pay him to whine to Senator Finch about either Superman or Batman. I’m a professional whiner, too, but I wager he makes a lot more than I.

He made me half a man.

Who did? Superman because he captured Zod? Or Batman because he saved your life? Where is this bloke coming from…other than jail?

1:01:34

Nobody cares about Clark Kent taking on the Batman. Perry White (Laurence Fishburne) to Clark Kent

Meant to be a joke. I’d prefer they spent more time explaining why Perry doesn’t want the story written, rather than on silly jokes. That’s my job.

[N.B. In this scene, Clark tells Perry that when the Daily Planet was founded, it stood for something. Perry responds “and so could you if it was 1938. But it’s not 1938!” Of course, 1938 was the year Action Comics #1, — Superman — appeared.]

1:02:49 Museum charity with Diana Prince…blah blah blah…Sword of Alexandria…blah blah blah…cut the Gordian Knot [and you thought my synopses were boring]…blah blah blah I just wish they’d cut to the chase.

[N.B. The song playing at the gala is Suite for “Jazz Orchestra No. 2,” by Shostakovich. The song is not on the official soundtrack but it is on my playlist at the end of this synopsis.]

1:03:31

Diana: I believe Mr. Luthor has a photograph that belongs to me.

Wonder Woman explains why she nicked the drive with Luthor’s data from Bruce Wayne. She must, however, be drunk on champagne because once a photo goes digital, there’s no recovering it. Just ask Jennifer Lawrence. WTF!?

1:05:08

[N.B. The large omega symbol in the sand is the sign of DC’s ultimate villain: Darkseid (see 1:08:08)]

1:08:08 Batman is betrayed when he thinks he’s acquiring Lex Luthor’s slab of kryptonite. I’m more interested in the men with wings because they may be faeries.

[N.B. The beady-eyed creature behind Batman might be Darkseid, and his flying minions are Parademons. (A nice explanation of these can be found at Collider.) Aiding these arch-villains in their attack on Batman are Regime Soldiers, representing Superman’s Regime. Why Superman would need a regime is beyond me.]

Here’s a better shot of Darkseid.

And the Regime Soldiers…

1:09:50 The Knightmare is, in fact, not a dream but reality, as attest the flurry of papers on Bruce Wayne’s desk when he ‘awakes’. It ends with Flash coming back to tell Bruce that Lois Lane is the key and not to trust Superman. I have this dream after too much Taco Bell, only it’s not Robin that comes back and it’s not a dream.

1:11:17 After spending hours decrypting Lex Luthor’s files, Batman learns the White Portuguese isn’t a man but a cargo ship carrying the chunk of kryptonite. I would’ve thought a Google search could’ve told him this in much less time.

1:11:51 Bruce explains himself to Alfred.

That son of a bitch brought the war to us two years ago. [No, actually that was General Zod; Superman saved the planet.] Jesus, Alfred. Count the dead. Thousands of people. [Yes, but Superman didn’t kill them.] What’s next? Millions? He has the power to wipe out the entire human race and if we believe there’s even a 1% chance that he’s our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty. And we have to destroy him.

WTF!? 1% chance = 100% certainty? Wow, I hope Batman is better at crime-fighting than maths.

1:18:54 In a fairly run-of-the-mill chase scene at a port, Batman in his Batmobile pursues the lorry carrying the kryptonite shipment. Unfortunately, he runs into Superman. Literally.

1:19:11 The pair threaten each other with innuendos, though I would really like to know why Superman is working harder to stop Batman than he is the lorry carrying the means of his own destruction. WTF!?

1:22:28

1:24:31 Secretary of Defense Calvin Swanwick (Harry Lennix) informs Lois Lane the bullet used in the desert was manufactured at Lexcorp to frame Superman. That people stopped believing Superman was a mass murderer in a heartbeat is less surprising than the fact they believed it in the first place.

1:25:46 WTF!? Lois Lane tells Perry to run an article on how Lex Luthor created the desert situation to frame Superman. She wants him to do this so Superman will know before he attends the Senate hearing, which begins in 5 minutes. Is it really faster to let him know by publishing a newspaper issue than calling him on a mobile?

1:26:05 Senator Finch explains to a co-chair on her anti-Superman committee that Lex Luthor paid the African woman to lie under oath. She’s a politician, she should’ve recognized all the lying.

1:28:06 Anatoli Knyazev throws Kahina Ziri [see 34:02] under the bus, only the bus is a subway.

1:28:28

1:29:49 Senator Finch is distracted from chastising Superman because there’s a jar of urine on her desk labeled Granny’s Peach Tea. Lex put it there, in reference to an earlier conversation. [42:14]

Lex Luthor: Can I call you “June”? Senator June Finch: You can call me whatever you like. Take a bucket of piss and call it “Granny’s Peach Tea”. Take a weapon of assassination and call it “deterrence”. You won’t fool a fly, or me. I’m not going to drink it.

#UrineTrouble

1:30:47 While Senator Finch stumbles over her words at the sight of the mason jar of urine pee, the Capitol building explodes. #UrineForItNow

1:34:21 Batman drops in on Lexcorp for a surprise visit. He stole Lex’s kryptonite and replaced it with a batman throwing star. Lex looks as though he feels he got the wrong end of that trade…and that throwing star.

1:37:40 WTF!? Using the fingerprints he skinned off of Zod, Lex enters Zod’s ship. Instead of refusing access when the prints are different than the authorised user, the on-board computer simply asks if he would like to become the new commander. With security like that, I’m beginning to understand how planet Krypton came to be destroyed.

1:38:16

1:39:16 While going through Lex’s computer, Bruce discovers a file marked META_HUMAN (think “superhero”). Inside are dossiers relating to Wonder Woman, Cyborg, the Flash, and Aquaman. For the moment, they aren’t in Batman’s League.

1:40:07 Bruce discovers Diana is Wonder Woman and finds a copy of the photograph (named “Belgium, November 1918”) she was interested in. She’s afraid people will believe her to be immortal, because she doesn’t understand modern expressions, such as “I look like my grandmother.”

[N.B. Note Chris Pine (on WW’s right) as Wonder Woman’s boyfriend Steve Trevor.]

1:40:28 WTF!? Seriously, standing in a pond in the control room of the Kryptonian spaceship, Lex hears the ship say,

Alexander Luthor, your security override had been accepted.

The voice does not explain how or why it took only a matter of seconds to be approved. Apparently all a wrong-doer need do to gain control of the craft is say “please”.

[N.B. The “ship” is voiced by Carla Gugino, who also played Sally Jupiter / Silk Spectre in Zack Snyder’s Watchmen.]

1:41:18 Then, when Lex wants to combine his DNA with that of General Zod, whose corpse he’s floated in the space soup, the ship insists:

Onboard Computer: Action forbidden. It has been decreed by the Council of Krypton that none well ever again give life to a deformity so hateful to sight and memory. The desecration without name. Lex Luthor: And where is the Council of Krypton? Computer: Destroyed, sir. Lex: Then proceed. Computer: Very well.

WTF!? That’s all it took? The security measures on the ship are nothing — virtually.

1:42:21 I still find it impossibly hard to believe the population of the entire nation blames Superman for the destruction of the Capitol simply because he happened to be present when it exploded.

1:44:34 Lois goes to Keefe’s flat and sees he bought groceries, meaning he wasn’t insane and did not blow up the Capitol building on purpose. Luthor framed him by planting bomb evidence after the explosion. Nice frame, but not a pretty picture.

1:44:48 Lois’s assistant (Jena Malone as Jenet Klyburn) tells Lois the wheelchair Lex gave Wallace Keefe was the explosive device, and that it was covered in lead. Lead, you’ll remember, is the only material Superman cannot see through — well, that and the lies people tell him.

1:47:08

1:49:26 Superman’s mum, Mrs. Superman (Diane Lane), is kidnapped by men in black vans because white vans are for children only.

1:49:29 Batman readies his kryptonite spear and turns on the Bat-signal because Superman once said if he ever saw the Bat-signal again, he would break the Bat.

1:51:12 In a shopping centre car park, Lois walks up to Anatoli and says, “Let me make your job easier. Kidnap me, please.” #MayAsWellHave

[N.B. The van that sweeps Lois away is labelled ‘Terrio Janitorial’, which is a nod to Chris Terrio, the writer who came in at the end to clean up the script.]

1:53:32 Batman calls Superman, but Superman doesn’t come. Lex finds a better way: Throw Lois off the top of a skyscraper.

1:54:41

1:56:32 Lex shows pictures of Martha Kent to Superman and tells him the only way he’ll get his mother back is if he kills Batman. Which is what Superman said he would do already, so that’s him sorted.

1:58:28 While all of this is going on, the arena containing the Kryptonian spaceship is lighting up with power surges. It’s electrifying.

2:00:48 Bruce emailed Diana her photo, along with the other Meta Human files. There is the Flash

2:01:16 Aquaman…

2:02:14…and Cyborg

2:02:25 or 28

2:03:09

2:03:24 Let the fight begin.

2:03:45 Superman tries to explain that Lex Luthor had set them both up for the fight and that they’re being used. Batman, unfortunately, can’t hear this above all the WTF?!

2:05:27 Batman brings Superman to his knees with Krypton gas. Or essence of the lad’s toilets in Wembly after a George Michael’s show.

2:06:01 Now that Superman doesn’t have his super powers, we see what would happen if a human Superman and Batman were to fight. Batman would win in a knockout.

2:07:04 Well that sure didn’t last long. Superman gets his powers back and Batman doesn’t like the looks of things…from where he’s lying on the ground.

2:07:23

2:08:36 After shooting Superman with more kryptonite gas, Batman hits Superman with everything, including the bathroom sink.

2:09:11

2:09:34

2:10:21

2:11:22

You’re letting them kill Martha. Superman, just as Batman is about to kill him with a kryptonite lance

Supes should’ve led with that. That Batman will stop wanting to kill his nemesis because their mothers share the same name is on the wrong side of ludicrous. Especially when you realise Superman had never once referred to his mum by her first name until now. WTF!?

2:12:12 Batman flashes back…

2:13:54 Batman and Superman are now best friends. They should have matching t-shirts that read “B.S.” Batman promises to save Martha Kent while Superman says he’ll resolve the issues at the spaceship containment centre. Lois, who has since arrived, promises not to do much of anything other than move the story along which, as awkward as it is, might be the most difficult task.

2:16:03 Alfred waits until the last moment to tell Batman he’s been tracking the Anatoli Knyazev’s mobile because that criminal mastermind and Lex Luthor aren’t smart enough to use burner phones.

2:19:31 Batman saves Martha Kent and kills the Anatoli.

Batman: It’s okay. I’m a friend of your son’s. Martha Kent: I figured. The cape.

2:21:04

2:22:01 Doomsday, the monster Lex made with Zod’s and his own DNA, is born. Lexis now a literal and figurative mother.

2:22:27

2:23:04

2:26:52 While Superman fights the monster in outer space, the U.S. President opts to nuke both of them, like most critics and this film.

2:27:05

2:28:12

2:28:33

2:29:08

2:29:34 Batman realises he must lure the monster back to Gotham, where he’ll be able to kill the beast with the kryptonite spear he didn’t use on Superman. Hopefully the monster will get the point.

2:30:12 Superman rejuvenates because he faces our yellow sun. All he had to do was look on the bright side.

2:30:44

Oh, shit. Batman just before the monster blasts him

Wonder Woman makes her entrance to deflect the Kryptonian monster’s red energy beam with her magic bracelets. It’s all in the wrist.

2:30:56

2:32:22

2:33:54 It may have taken is a long time to reach this fight scene, but by god it was worth it.

2:35:01 Superman stops fighting because he hears Lois drowning while fetching the kryptonite spear. Either that or he wanted to see her in wet clothes.

2:36:34

2:38:36 In a team effort, Wonder Woman holds Doomsday in place with the Golden Lasso while Batman shoots him with his kryptonite gas and Superman stabs him with the kryptonite spear. Doomsday, in turn, stabs Superman, who pulls himself further along the monster’s spike-fist so that he might plunge the spear deeper into the monster. It takes a whole village to kill a Superman.

2:41:41 WTF!? The military arrive to arrest Lex and in doing so they disintegrate his World of Warcraft character?

[N.B. This character is Yuga Khan (Darkseid’s father) juggling mother boxes. I should point out that many writers believe this to be Steppenwolf, but I can’t help it if I’m right.]

2:42:45 I enjoy how everyone thinks Clark dying at the same time as Superman is a coincidence. What makes them think he died? It’s not as though they found his body.

2:45:18 Oh, I understand. After Superman died, everyone changed his clothes into Clark Kent clothes and sent his body to the Kent farm. So now it’s Superman’s body that’s missing.

2:45:42 At Superman’s funeral, the United States seems to have forgotten they hate Superman.

2:47:08 At Clark Kent’s funeral…

The dead shall live. My slain shall rise again. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust. For thy dew is like the dew of the morning, and the earth shall give birth to her dead. Father Leone (Coburn Goss)

Someone should yell “Spoiler alert!”.

2:48:22 Bruce Wayne and Diana crash the funeral, so that Bruce can tell Diana to find the other superheroes so that they can fight.

2:53:12 Batman pays a visit to Luthor to tell him he’ll be sent to Arkham asylum in Gotham. Then Batman decides to punish Lex by punching a wall with his Bat brand. Not Lex. A wall. I’m not convinced Lex interprets this as punishment.

2:54:44

Roll credits

3:01:30 Frank Miller is at the top of the list in Special Thanks. This makes sense, as a plethora of scene/lines are lifted directly from his Black Knight series.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 18 challenging ones

When to Follow: Attack the ultimate edition when you’re in for the evening, yet not so late that you risk falling asleep.

Where’s This Found: While I’m no where near a fan-boy, I do have a slight preference for the darkness of DC compared to the PG-13 of Marvel. Dawn of Justice is a monumental effort and, as I’m a big fan of over-the-top style, I count myself on the side of those who loved this one. The sheer spectacle of this beast was enough to win this reviewer over. That said, the flaw in Batman v Superman is not in the directing but in the over-long story that loses its focus. This film is better directed than Captain America: Civil War but the story of Civil War is better. Out of a possible 10, I have 8 F’s to give.

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All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

[N.B. I used the very informative Screen Rant and Den of Geek articles as research tools for this review]