The things we never want to see you ever ever do again on the subway…

1/ Next time we come across one more kid selling chocolate for his basketball team so he can stay clean and out of jail we will throw up on the kid and refuse to pay for any chocolate that we end up taking then and there.

2/ We never ever want to see you pick your nose and pretend no one is looking, especially us.

3/ You shall never ever start screaming at each other from one end of the subway car to the other, no matter how ‘fantastic’ you are.

4/ You shall never ever stand five inches within us if you have yet to have taken a shower that day.

5/ You shall never stand or sit next to us if you intend to bore us with your exploits and other ‘pointless’ discussions that mean nothing to us. We hate people who are secretly trying to impress us- we are never impressed, especially if we didn’t invite you to impress us, and please we don’t care if you think your boyfriend is cheating on you.

6/ You shall never ever offer to feed us if we are hungry while at the same time asking for ‘donations.’ We are fed up with this scam. If you need to feed someone who is hungry we doubt you will find them at 8.45 am on the number 6 line, seriously…

7/ You shall never ever mention how you missed out on booking the “Vogue” cover or how you just made a $2 million bonus. You don’t need to try to impress us since we are better looking and wealthier than you in the first place.

8/You shall never spread your legs as if they were remnants of the Grand Canyon while the rest of us breathe threw straws just to be seated.

9/ You shall never ever try to look or start a conversation with us unless you are absolutely convinced you are absolutely intriguing and even then we want you to think twice.

10/ You will never ever again in your whole life drink black coffee out of your thermo as if you were in your living room- it is gauche and an eyesore!