I am not sexist and I don’t condone violence. You might disagree with me after reading this post.

The Spark: A Little History

I shared a question on my Facebook wall the other day: what do you have an irrational fear of? Hundreds of people answered (I started things off with my perfectly rational fear of spiders because, spiders) and with a few exceptions I’ll note in a moment, people opened themselves up, sharing what truly frightens them, from the seemingly silly (cherry tomatoes?) to the downright horrifying (elevator cables snapping, airplanes crashing). I loved how many people cared and supported one another, sharing stories about their true fears.

The response was amazing!

The notable exceptions: about five or so men who said, “being asked my irrational fear on social media.” They all basically laughed it off in the same *wink wink har har* manner, at different times, without reading the thread to see that other men had already said the exact same thing (and then there’s the one guy who, apropos of nothing, made an inappropriate comment about my ‘tantalizingly red hair’), which I ignored completely — I’m supposed to be flattered?

Realizations

I realize these men thought they were being funny, original, possibly hilariously comical however, this was a post on my wall where, if you don’t know me at all, I often ask people to write what scares them, to reveal their vulnerabilities. I found it terribly disrespectful of these guys to joke around this way, not only to me but also to the brave, wonderful people who had gone out of their way to share their fears with others in such a public way. We really had engendered a bonding camaraderie which these guys ignored completely by injecting this type of immature tomfoolery.

I realize that some men (not all men, so if this doesn’t apply to you, good men of the world who would never do this and didn’t do this, I’m not talking to you and am not lumping all men into a category of ‘all men are dicks,’ because I appreciate and respect you, truly), will never share their true fears with anyone, especially themselves, let alone in a public forum– so the easy answer is to go on someone else’s wall and criticize or make sarcastic comments. Yes, some women will do that, too. (In fact, one woman did make such a comment in a non-humorous way — she explained that if a future employer saw her comment, she was afraid she may lose out on a job opportunity.)

I shared my frustrations in a different post, accompanied by an ironically focused humor meme which states: “boys are stupid, throw rocks at them,” — see screenshot of my post with the cartoon below. I’ll even link to this post so you can see all the replies for yourself (though you’d have to friend me to see it in its entirety). What’s interesting is that because I made the observation that it was only men who made goofy comments on my original post, combined along with the obviously satirical cartoon, people accused me of being sexist. Oh, and promoting violence.

My Response Post

The Cartoon That Incites Violence

(which is a book by Todd Harris Goldman — a BOY)

What I Believe

I focus on supporting what I love and not bashing what I don’t, but I must, in this case, stand up for what I strongly believe in. By stating my observation that 90% of these silly comments were made by men, people accused me of being sexist.

Interesting.

“Here’s what’s strange, and what’s extraordinary

Nothing changes, but nothing stays the same”

~ Room in my Heart, Jonatha Brooke

(copyright, Jonatha Brooke)

I don’t promote negativity. I promote compassion and polite discourse. I believe in humor (in fact, I wrote two best selling satirical humor books). When I received comments such as ‘if that cartoon were of girls having rocks thrown at them, you’d feel different,’ or ‘do you literally believe boys are stupid and should have rocks thrown at them?’ I feel I have to respond.

No. I posted a humorous cartoon that I thought, as educated adults, people wouldn’t take literally. That is my mistake. One of the Four Agreements is: don’t make assumptions, so that’s on me.

The Bigger Issue

But there’s a bigger issue here (so get your rocks ready):

I simply do not feel it’s possible for men to be oppressed in the same way women have been throughout history and even now (particularly given that men control 95% of the clout in media), so I disagree with the straw-man argument that women oppress men — it’s a false equivalence.

Feel free to throw your rocks now — or maybe your dictionary (which, by the way, was created by men).

I love this article by Melissa A. Fabello, Co-Managing Editor of Everyday Feminism, on Everyday Feminism, which breaks down why sexism against men (aka, reverse sexism) is just not possible. Sure, women stereotype men, just as men stereotype women. Sure, there’s prejudice and discrimination against both genders, which totally sucks. However, reverse sexism isn’t possible because these four main tenets would have to be true:

1. It Is Pervasive

It is woven throughout social institutions, as well as embedded within individual consciousness.

2. It Is Restrictive

That is, structural limits significantly shape a person’s life chances and sense of possibility in ways beyond the individual’s control.

3. It Is Hierarchical

That is, oppression positions one group as “better” than another.

Dominant or privileged groups benefit, often in unconscious ways, from the disempowerment of subordinated or targeted groups.

4. The Dominant Group Has the Power to Define Reality

That is, they determine the status quo: what is “normal,” “real,” or “correct.”

In order for women to perpetuate reverse sexism in ways that consistently and influentially impact society (including my post about throwing rocks at boys), any and all of the above would have to be true, and they’re not — at least, not at a comparable level. The ‘tit for tat’ argument doesn’t work here.

What makes me the most sad about all this? Women deal with sexism on the daily on social media just by being on social media. Sure, men get it too, but on the same level? Not even close. See, it’s not about tit for tat. That’s the point! I’m not denying that sexism happens to men — what I’m saying is that it’s not comparable.

(I have male friends who are being harassed by female bosses in their jobs as I write this — it sucks and I support these dear friends in going after these women to the fullest extent they possibly can. I hope these women are fired for their abuse of power. I’m not a denier. It happens. Again, my point is, on the whole of society in general, the scale of incidence is much lower for men.)

Read this amazing article by best selling Booktrope author J.C. Hannigan on social media perversity, or one of my past articles on similar topics, or this article from the fabulous Chuck Wendig on how women are treated on the Internet (and for the record, I love when men support women — the more the merrier). And don’t even get me started on what Trump has the nerve to say about women, Megyn Kelly and Rosie O’Donnell being only the most recent examples (bimbo, pig). How is this acceptable at all?

And if you think I’m just making this all up, the fact remains that women continue to make 78 cents to the dollar compared to men, a gap that has remained largely unchanged for more than a decade. The problem is even worse for women of color (Source: Economic Justice).

Beyond Sexism

Apart from all of that, what upset me most about the incident: people attacked me for sharing a frustration, an opinion they didn’t approve of, on my account, on a space I’ve created, developed, and branded over many years. See, what I love about social media is while it’s indeed social, about building relationships and connections, I don’t need anyone’s permission to post what I want — I’m an adult woman, and as long as what I’m posting is within Facebook’s guidelines (no porn, no promotion), do I need to ask for anyone’s approval or consensus? No, I don’t.

Neither do you. It’s not my policy to come over to your wall and tell you what to post, criticize your opinions, or bully you for your beliefs — it baffles me that people feel it’s their right to do the same to others. This is why people become depressed (read more about Social Comparison Theory here), create plastic veneers of themselves, or post nothing but happy cat videos and rainbow-crap inspirational quotes — nobody wants to be R E A L because what happens when we reveal our true selves? People laugh, bully, and criticize and that hurts if we take it personally.

I’ve thought seriously of shutting down my Facebook account this past few days but I won’t, and you know why? Because of the advocacy work I do with childhood sexual abuse survivors, raising money for the Joyful Heart Foundation, the real-life friendships I’ve made, the Gravity Imprint I direct for Booktrope, and the BadRedhead Media client work I do and love — all are tied into Facebook. That’s what I take personally and means more to me than anything else, next to my babies.

I have taken to shutting my Facebook down on Fridays (as many of you know, I take #FFF: Facebook Free Fridays) already and will continue to do so; perhaps, I’ll carry that over to other days as well because frankly, I don’t need the negativity and does it really matter anyway? Not to me. I keep doing what I do, posting what I want, and writing my stories. I encourage you to do the same.

Most likely, this article will feed the negativity and I accept that, but like my Facebook wall, this blog is my home, too.

I welcome your respectful comments.

[blurbit]