Nothing like a good dose of religion-infused stupid to get my blood boiling in the morning.

Republican Congressman Trent Franks of Arizona says that straight marriages deserve “special” rights, and says that gay marriage a “threat to the nation’s survival.” In a radio interview with SPLC-​certified hate group president Tony Perkins of the Family Research Association, Franks, a “birther” and climate change denier who said he would “absolutely…support” the impeachment of president Obama over the DOJ’s refusal to defend DOMA in court, appeared with Perkins to discuss this week’s House hearing on “The State of Religious Liberty in the United States.”

Sometimes people are so stupid that they become a waste of carbon. Sometimes those people make $174,000 per year to be informed, rational leaders of this beautiful country of ours. Trent Franks is one step shy of a drooling vegetable. He is a person for whom the charge of chief fry cook would be a position of extravagant authority. The fact that he has a hand in determining American policy is an indictment on an appreciable portion of our voting citizenry who prioritize love of Jesus over somebody having a single functioning neuron.

What special rights for straights does this hateful man want?

Joint parenting? Straights already have it as a special right.

Joint adoption? Ditto.

Joint foster care, custody, and visitation (including non-biological parents)? Straights get this one too.

Status as next-of-kin for hospital visits and medical decisions where one partner is too ill to be competent? That’s all you, asshole.

Joint insurance policies for home, auto and health? Also denied to gays.

Dissolution and divorce protections such as community property and child support? You can have that one too. Wait! You already do.

Immigration and residency for partners from other countries? Liberty for…all? No, silly!

Inheritance automatically in the absence of a will? That’ll probably go to the family that kicked them out for being gay, because it doesn’t go to their partner.

There are about 1400 rights conferred to only straight couples in the United States, of which about 400 are state rights and on the order of 1,000 are federal. Some more of the highlights include joint leases with automatic renewal rights in the event one partner dies or leaves the house or apartment; inheritance of jointly-owned real and personal property through the right of survivorship (which avoids the time and expense and taxes in probate); benefits such as annuities, pension plans, Social Security, and Medicare; spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home; veterans’ discounts on medical care, education, and home loans; joint filing of tax returns; joint filing of customs claims when traveling; wrongful death benefits for a surviving partner and children; bereavement or sick leave to care for a partner or child; decision-making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her; crime victims’ recovery benefits; loss of consortium tort benefits; domestic violence protection orders; judicial protections and evidentiary immunity.

What other special rights does your greedy ass want, Mr. Franks? How many would square away the injustice done to you by people loving whoever the hell they please?

Oh, that’s right! Gays are a threat to the United States. Of course, whenever we hear this line it’s never explained just how treating people equally will do harm to anybody.

We can look to other nations that now lay in cinders on account of their skewed attempts to foster equality by granting everybody the same rights. Almost eleven Six years ago Canada legalized gay marriage, yet they inexplicably seem to be chugging along just fine. What about Spain? How have they been doing since their incoming socialist government legalized marriage equality in 2005?

By all accounts, Spain has experienced an economic boom over the last decade. It has “continued its prolonged economic expansion” (International Monetary Fund) and “weathered the international slowdown” (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development) making it “one of Europe’s best-performing economies” (Economist magazine).

By Jove! They’ve managed to survive this grave threat of equality as well. What about the states in the US that have legalized gay marriage? They also seem to be doing about the same as they were before. I swear, it’s almost like stopping discrimination against gay people has no effect other than stopping discrimination against gay people!

You know what’s actually a threat to America? Thousands of kids growing up in foster homes because there are not enough adoptive couples out there. That’s a huge problem. But fuck it if it means treating gays like they’re just as good as us straights, right? Right?

Alright Christians, listen up. The “sin” you hate so much is a harmless outlet to joy for millions of people. Only faith can get people to a point where they feel empowered to “defend” us against non-threats. In this case, it’s a non-threat that makes people happy. If you hate that “sin” or if you worship a god who hates that “sin”, I have no problem treating you like you the detriment to human happiness that you are, and I could give a shit less if it hurts your feelings.