It was a week of both stupid and cruel Republican tricks. Stupid in the beginning of the week when Florida Gov. Rick Scott led an effort to ban Internet cafes, and the bill was so poorly worded, it inadvertently banned all the state’s computers. Oops. Cruelty came later, when the Republican-led house successfully disentangled food stamp funding from the farm bill. There was the convoluted logic of Republican lawmakers crying foul that the implementation of Obamacare, the law of the land they have vowed to overturn, is now being delayed. And there was Rand Paul’s outlandish defense of his Confederacy-loving top aide—you see, wearing a confederate flag is similar to smoking pot. Oh…wait, huh?

Here are some more headscratchers, kneeslappers and assorted absurdities from the country’s right-wing fringe. And, just to cheer us up, an egregious example of far-right thinking coming from the president of a country not our own.

1. Glenn Beck: Teresa Heinz Kerry faked her illness.

Glenn Beck does not seem to think that Democrats, or their wives, ever actually just fall ill, even when they are no longer young. He believes it is usually a conspiracy or coverup involving the State Department. Such was the case this week after Teresa Heinz Kerry, 74-year-old wife of Sec. of State John Kerry, was hospitalized with seizure-like symptoms over the July 4 weekend in critical condition. But actually, according to Beck, Heinz Kerry’s sudden illness was a ploy…to divert attention…from events in Egypt. Why exactly is not clear, but Beck drew a connection between this and another "imaginary" medical scare, Hillary Clinton’s 2012 concussion, you know, the one she faked in order to avoid answering questions about Benghazi. See the pattern?

2. Pat Robertson: Gay people are just confused straight people.

On the “700 Club” this week, Pat Robertson sought to clarify that he does not in any way hate gay people, blaming them for 9/11 and for destroying America not withstanding. In fact, he expressed happiness that “many many homosexuals” watch his show, which is strange because apparently, according to Pat, people are gay “because they have forsaken God, it’s not something that is natural and when people reunite with the Lord, the Lord will get their priorities the way it is supposed to be….You work through it and if you meet the Lord it should be, it can be instant.”

Gay people, you see, are really just confused straight people, according to the televangelist. They are confused either because they were abused, or they have chromosomal damage. So, really gay people just need to “come out” as the straight people they really are.

3. Bryan Fischer: Pat Robertson’s views on gay people are way too liberal.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association took a slightly different view when he tweeted that "Christians are being moved out of the United States military so hyper-masculine homosexuals can move in, similar to the kind of homosexuals that formed Hitler's stormtroopers."

4. Louie Gohmert intelligently debating food stamps: “Objection.”

On Thursday, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) really elevated the debate about food stamp funding by repeatedly yelling “Objection” whenever political opponents suggested that the Republican-backed move to remove food stamps from the farm bill would hurt poor and working families. Gohmert did not want that on the record. When Democratic Rep. Suzanne Bonamici of Oregon asked the speaker for consent to “revise and extend her remarks in strong opposition to the farm bill rule and the underlying bill because it will increase hunger in America,” Gohmert had an answer for that as well: “Objection.”

Similar reaction to Rep. Joe Kennedy (D-IL) when he made the routine request to revise and extend his remarks opposing the bill “because it takes food nutrition away from working families.”

“Objection!” Gohmert yelled, apparently mistaking Congress for an episode of Perry Mason.

Not only should the poor not eat, but their advocates in Congress should not speak for them.

Alas, the Republicans passed their food stampless farm bill. President Obama has promised to veto it.

5. O’Reilly shows deep understanding of why women get abortions, especially uppity Texas women.

While discussing Texas’ pending legislation severely limiting abortion on his show Wednesday night, Bill O’Reilly offered the insight that women want to undergo abortions any time and for any old health reason, and gave the headscratching example of a sprained hand. Yes, women like abortions so much, sometimes they have them when they aren’t even pregnant.

“You can just kill the baby, or the fetus, however you want to describe it, any time you want for any reason,” O’Reilly said. “You know, women’s health, that’s any reason at all…a sprained hand!”

OK, all those who had abortions because of a sprained hand, raise your…oh, never mind.

6. Matt Barber reveals the identity of the original pro-choicer…wait for it. Wait for it. Yep, it was Satan.

On their show “Faith and Freedom,” right-wing zealots Matt Barber and Steve Crampton discussed how the “pro-aborts” in Texas exhibited demon-like demeanors in their fervor to fight off abortion-restricting legislation that is guaranteed to threaten the health and welfare of women in that state. Isn’t that always the way it is, they agreed, the pro-choicers act like demons spewing flames and venom, and the pro-lifers placidly sing “Amazing Grace.” (We’re going to guess that neither of these men ever had the lovely experience of trying to enter a women’s health clinic while pro-life protesters shoved pictures of bloody fetuses in their faces.)

But it all makes sense, according to Barber, because… "frankly, from a spiritual perspective, the original pro-choicer was Satan himself.”

7. Meanwhile, way south of the border…

All the way down in Chile, in fact, where abortions are illegal no matter what the circumstances of the pregnancy or the threat to the health of the mother, an 11-year-old rape victim called Belen has no choice but to carry the baby to term. When Belen, who has been raped by her stepfather for two years, told a local news station that having the baby “will be like having a doll in her arms,” Chilean president Sebastian Pinera praised her for the “depth and maturity” of her “choice.”

Comparing a baby and a doll sounds mature to us.

Another genius politician in Chile, Issa Kort, a member of parliament, showed an Akin-like sophistication in his understanding of reproduction when he said Belen must be ready to have a child because she can menstruate. Circular logic to be sure.