WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying that their findings came as no big shock to anyone, scientists from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution confirmed Wednesday that shrimp are just as dumb as they always thought. “Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take many tests to prove that our initial hypothesis was correct—shrimp are pretty fucking stupid,” said biologist and lead researcher Timothy Morris, noting his team’s utter lack of astonishment that something that small and that dumb-looking didn’t have anything going on upstairs. “I mean, it’s not exactly a revelation that floating around and eating stuff off the ocean floor requires very little cognitive ability. If anything, shrimp are slightly stupider than we suspected at first, which, believe me, was very stupid.” Morris added that the scientists were now moving on to assess the physical strength of shrimp, which they said, at this point, was totally unknown.

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