A very bad post

Hey loves, so let’s talk about dysphoria. It can manifest in a number of terrible ways and growing up with dysphoria can be difficult because often it goes unidentified. You look at yourself and you hate yourself and feel powerless to fix it, but you tack it down to just an inherent ugliness. There are a billion things that make me dysphoric but my biggest dysphoria trigger has always been my explicitly masculine hairline and forehead shape. Because of this I’ve worn hats since I was 14, every single day without fail. It became kinda ‘my thing.’ But it stopped me from experiencing painful dysphoria.

So now this post is going to get very sad and bad and I’m going to preemptively warn you all of you have severe dysphoria triggers.

So Nick Nocturne came to visit me July 2017. We spent around a week together and had an alright time, but when I think about that week, I can’t help but think about one specific thing he did and how it affected me. Now it’s important to point out that at this time, I was not openly trans to him or anyone really, but that shouldn’t matter a ton in regards to this. Nick was fascinated with my hat and wanted to see what was under it. The first conversation about it, he just asked candidly what I was hiding and told me to take it off, and I said no. He kept pushing me and pushing me to take it off and I had to very directly say no, never, that’s the end of this conversation.

He brought it up vagely a couple other times but this all came to head during a livestream. We did exactly one live stream while he was here and it was awkward and weird and ended very badly. He didn’t want to appear on camera as he, ironically, is very guarded about his appearance, so he wore a cat puppet on his hand and then put that in the shot with me and we answered questions. The stream is fairly bro-y and stupid and I wouldn’t say it represents me well, especially now, but it’s also horribly awkward because he kept rubbing the cat puppet (his hand) on my body. There are several moments during the stream where you can kinda see me cringe because I didn’t know why he was touching me so much, and I couldn’t escape or say anything because we were on stream. Then it gets monumentally worse when Nick says 'i think I’ll take this’ and tries to take my hat off on stream. I was able to save it, but the damage had been done, my dysphoria was beyond damaged and 5 minutes later the stream ended because my soul had left my body. Immediately after the stream I asked him why he would do that when I firmly told him no and he lied to my face and said it was an accident and he meant to just pet my head (which is weird anyway)

“I think I’ll take this”

Nick Nocturne tried to humiliate me intentionally on a live stream after using my captivity to touch me without my consent. This is from someone who continually insists that I am a backstabber for ending our friendship, but guess what, I kept our friendship going for months after this. I tolerated this feeling inside me that someone I considered a friend would intentionally do this to harm me in front of the only thing I had in my life. Over the course of that week he saw my life and heard many of my struggles, and I made it fairly clear that YouTube was all I had, and he tried to humiliate and hurt me with the only thing I had. And it’s all on video:

https://youtu.be/9PgLKa1lrIw

Timecode is 1:54:13 for context.