Earthly Parents is the pen name of the author of And It Was Very Good: A Latter-day Saint’s Guide to Lovemaking. He agreed to share some of the book’s background here.

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On the top of my parent’s bookshelf, far above the white-spined World Book Encyclopedias I read as a child, sat a thick, black book. That book wasn’t the World Book Encyclopedia. That book was called Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask.

I don’t remember how old I was, but certainly before puberty, I put down the World Book WXYZ and climbed to the top of the bookshelf. What I read in that other book was a new subject for me. It was a weird subject. The book was interesting, informative, and sometimes confusing. Why did they keep misspelling “organism” as “orgasm”? That book and others I read at the public library served me well. When puberty came, it was no surprise. When I married my first and only girlfriend, I had done my homework. Literally. Without going into intimate details, I was ready to ace the test.

Along the way, when I was at BYU, I ran into classmates who had obvious gaps in their sex education. These Deseret Towers members of the “virgin lips club” also had what I thought were pretty odd ideas about what was OK sexually in marriage—things that I understood from reading would practically guarantee their wives would never orgasm. That did not seem right to me.

My wife and I now have seven children. For several years, I looked on behalf of my children for a book to read as they approached marriage that would teach them about sex technique. The “birds and the bees” wasn’t enough. I wanted them to have the same advantages that I had been given inadvertently by my own parents. I wanted my children to have the best information from the best books. I thought they would benefit from more than the basics. There are some things we only get from having someone teach us. It’s not hard-wired into people to know that intercourse rarely leads to female orgasm, as an example. Heck, some married adults (I’ve met some) believe female orgasm to be a myth. Ignorance can lead to heartache. Spencer W. Kimball has been quoted as saying the most common reason for temple divorce was sexual issues. I wanted my children to have sex really laid out for them. I wanted them to have the best possible chance at a happy sex life in their own marriages. To my mind, the best chance was a detailed, factual sex instruction manual. True, there is a lot more information around these days (hello Wikipedia), but misinformation is everywhere, too. Also, nearly all sex manuals I found in print or online included photos or illustrations indistinguishable from porn. Most manuals had sections on threesomes or homosexuality that I found incompatible with church teachings. There are Christian sex manuals out there, but I found them to be namby-pamby with some nonsense thrown in. No thanks. Nothing was right.

So I decided I would bite the bullet and write a short sex instruction pamphlet for my kids. It would be embarrassing for them and for me, but I’d rather face embarrassment than leave them to ignorance. I took a deep breath, sat down at my laptop, and wrote the first sentence.

And then I put it away for seven years.

Last summer, I watched the Mr. Rogers movie And Won’t You Be My Neighbor. In the opening of the movie, Fred Rogers is shown in a home movie sitting at his piano. He talks about how it’s easy to move from some keys like the key of C major to other keys like F major. Some transitions are easy. Other transitions are hard. Moving from C major to F# major, he said, takes a lot of tricky steps. It’s a hard transition. Fred Rogers then said he felt it was his calling to help children through difficult transitions.

I don’t know how many people watched the Mr. Rogers movie and thought “I should really write that sex manual.” I did.

I have never published a book. I have a ton of science articles under my belt, though, and I know how to research a subject and write it up. I dug in. I found my old sex manuals were, in fact, often wrong. Sex science had come a long way. I read a raft of modern, evidence-based sex manuals, looked up scientific papers when I needed to fill a knowledge gap, and listened to hundreds of hours of podcasts. These podcasts included those from Natasha Helfer Parker (“the Mormon Therapist”) and Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (“the Mormon Sex Therapist”). What I heard and then read about the Latter-day Saint experience in the bedroom was shocking to me. I put out a survey on the Eternal Marriage Ben Facebook page and heard more of what had horrified me.

Latter-day Saints were having a terrible time in the bedroom—at least some of them were. This was especially true on the wedding night and the early years of marriage. I don’t think I can give you the weight of the pain without a FEW of the many examples from the survey:

I knew almost nothing about foreplay. I wish I knew more about sex so it could have been something fun, happy and amazing instead.

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 23

I knew penetration may be difficult, but I didn’t understand how difficult, nor was I prepared to see blood. I didn’t realize how much lube would have helped.

—Latter-day Saint husband, married at 23

We had no lubricant and literally couldn’t penetrate because of it.

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 18

The wedding night was scary and painful because I didn’t know how great it could be.

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 22

I thought something was wrong with me.

—Latter-day Saint husband, married at 21

I wish I had known manual stimulation was important for women to enjoy sex…critical for a woman to orgasm. It took more than a year.

—Latter-day Saint husband, married at 22

I wish I knew more about my clitoris and its role in sex. I had Sex ed growing up (don’t remember having the talk with my parents), and I didn’t know about my clitoris or even where it was before getting married. All I ever heard of was the “G spot.”

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 24

We could have avoided so many issues.

—Latter-day Saint husband, married at 22

I wish I had known it could be enjoyable for women and that I could orgasm. I always heard women in the church complain about having sex with their husbands and saying it only feels good for the guy. I grew up only hearing negative things about sex, and I was absolutely terrified of it.

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 22

I wish I would have known about lube and foreplay. I wish I would have known about orgasms, and I wish I would have known my own anatomy better.

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 22

I had no idea females were capable of having pleasure. I had no idea that it was OK. I just knew how babies were made.

—Latter-day Saint wife, married at 20

I mean, any sex education would have been helpful. Specifically, I wish we had both known more about the process of having penetrative sex for the first time. I tried to be gentle and slow, and I only went as far and as fast as she told me to go, but it was still bloody and painful for her, and I felt like a monster. Even just knowing about how to use lube would have been helpful. Also, I wish we both had known more about female orgasm, foreplay, and how to please each other separately—that sex isn’t just penis-in-vagina.

—Latter-day Saint husband, married at 23

I wish I had known pretty much everything since neither of us knew anything.

—Latter-day Saint husband, married at 21

From this and from listening to sex counselors who treat Latter-day Saints, I have come to the realization that we run the following risks in our culture from what we do or do not teach our children about sex:

The wedding night can be a disaster. The woman isn’t ready for intercourse, bleeds, and is in pain; tears are shed

Some feel a loss of virtue once married—their self-worth is tied up being “untouched,” and when they are finally sexual, they feel they have lost their identity

Some men have no idea about what it takes to pleasure their wives—no idea about foreplay, the clitoris, or lubrication

Some women sometimes don’t know about their own anatomies let alone what touches will be pleasurable for them

Most men have developed a sexuality before marriage that is full of shame and secrecy that can lead into compulsive sexual behavior and dual lives

Some women may not feel OK with their own sexual feelings and repress them, which robs the marriage of their sexual desire

Neither men nor women may understand or know how to negotiate sexual differences—spouses expect to be “as one” without communication or compromise

Women can go years or decades without ever experiencing an orgasm

HOLY MOLEY.

Yeah, that was NOT going to happen to my kids. Not if I could help it.

In my reading I also learned that there was no reason to expect the Church to start teaching this stuff. In Handbook 2, Administering in the Church, it’s very clear: “Parents have primary responsibility for the sex education of their children.” We are instructed to each sex “honestly and plainly” and “frankly but reverently.” This, I could do. Thank you Mr. Rogers for giving me courage.

One note: Some parents worry that explicit sex education will lead to loss of control and sexual sin. That’s a myth. The evidence shows the opposite. Time and again, comprehensive sex instruction leads children to delay first intercourse. This is even true in religious communities (there is a paper showing this effect in a strict Jewish community, for example). I don’t know 100% what is going on, but I suspect that the unknown makes teens curious and more easily exploited by those with more experience. Detailed sex instruction helps children and young adults understand their sexuality and harness it not be controlled by it.

Also, I made sure the illustrations in the book would not trigger men. You’ll probably laugh when you see my work-arounds.

I got feedback from experts in the field, including especially Romel Mackelprang and Natasha Helfer Parker. They helped me to see the book through the eyes of working sex therapists who treat Latter-day Saints.

Earlier this month, I published And It Was Very Good. If you want a hard copy for yourself or as a gift, it’s on Amazon. What I wrote for my children I’ve made public for everyone. E-mail me at [email protected], and I will send you a free, shareable PDF of the whole book. The book is FRANK but respectful. The reader will get the how-to details based on facts.

I leave you with my testimony that I prayed and sought the guidance of the Spirit as I wrote this book. Some parts—some specific words—were not what I would have written or did write the first time. I can testify to you that as I wrote the book I felt myself become a better husband and person. I’ve changed for the better in the writing. My authority and insight over sexual instruction ends at my family as it may for all members of the Church. I have no authority to get answers for you. I’m just a parent. You will have to read and decide on your own and seek guidance from the Spirit to see what is good and right for you. I know for myself it is very good.

Earthly Parents

My wife (who was my editor) asked that we use a pen name. We share a lot about sexuality that is universal but can’t help but be personal. Some things are private between a husband and wife. Our anonymity helps us preserve that.