New Baseball Statistics

WARC (Wins Above Replacement Cats)

A measure of how many wins a player contributes to his team’s record as compared to if he were replaced by four dozen feral cats.

KH (Kissed Helmets)

The number of times a player has kissed a batting helmet this year. The most talented players can generally manage to keep this number under 150.

SB+F (Stolen Bases + Fish)

The number of bases stolen by a player in a season added to the number of pet fish he had as a child.

EBTRISE (Extra Base Tequila Sunrise)

The number of doubles, triples, and home runs hit by a player, mixed with tequila, orange juice, and grenadine.

G Fact (Good Factor)

This number is 0 if the player is bad at baseball and 1 if the player is good at baseball. Useful in determining whether a player is good at baseball.

ARM # (Arm Number)

How many arms a player has. Anything above a 2.00 is considered very advantageous.

FARC (Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia)

This is a paramilitary organization based in South America. They have terrorized the people of Colombia since 1964.

DRiM (Dice Roll in March)

This statistic is calculated as the sum of two rolls of a six-sided die in the month prior to the regular season beginning.

ERA0 (Earned Run Average Zero)

This is the average number of runs allowed by a pitcher averaged over nine innings, multiplied by zero.

REB (Rebounds)

Number of rebounds a player makes while quitting baseball for a career in the National Basketball League, before a tearful meeting with the player’s elderly father, himself a retired baseball all-star and the player’s biggest supporter throughout his career, makes him realize that professional basketball can never truly replace the spot baseball once had in his heart, and he makes up his mind right then and there that’s he’s quitting basketball and going back to play baseball one more time, for Dad.

The 607

This number is fixed at 0.607 for all baseball players.

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