Green is the new black, and it’s high time we shed some light on the substance taking root across the nation. For the three of you who don’t know (sorry, immediate family), I smoke marijuana. I’m not ashamed to say it. In fact, I consider myself a proud user of recreational cannabis. The ways in which it has benefited me are countless, and my experiences with the mystical plant have led me to discover one thing. Well, actually a lot more than one thing, but for the sake of conciseness, I have discovered one thing: Everyone should smoke more weed.

Whether it be physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual, pain exists in us all. Weed can prove to be a solution to any one of these problem areas. Is your back a little sore after playing 18? Spark a blunt. Can’t shake that hangover? Take a dab. Did your dog just pass away? Pop a 50 mg brownie and watch Air Bud. I’m not saying you should use it as the be-all, end-all of relief, but it beats the hell out of xanax, lexapro, hydrocodone, ibuprofen, percocet, home remedies, and faith healing — all but one of which I have experience with. The relaxing qualities of marijuana will seek out every area of your being that is causing you grief. Fuck a prescription.

Along with pain relief, marijuana violently forces all of the neglected hauntings held onto by your psyche into the light of your mind’s eye, straps them to a chair, and puts them through torture so brutal that you’ll think you’re trapped inside a Quentin Tarantino film. In this way weed is like the Guantanamo Bay of mental trauma, except with more focus on rehabilitation and less focus on waterboarding terrorists, but there will be some, if not a lot of, discomfort. I believe this to be what people dislike the most about weed. It’s never fun to confront your demons, but it’s even less fun to let those demons confront you later on. Smoke some loud and think about it. Maybe you’ll finally realize that you didn’t have feelings for that girl after all, and you just needed to blow a load. Or maybe you’ll discover that she was the love of your life and you’ll now be forced to live out the rest of your pathetic existence alone. Either way, at least you’ve got some kush.

Finally, marijuana makes you a better person. I know this is a bold claim, but I wholeheartedly stand behind it. Before I started smoking I was a moody bitch who would snap at even the slightest annoyance. I don’t even think I was that much fun to be around, but now my tolerance for bullshit is sky high. I’d bet money that Mr. Rodgers got absolutely barbecued before every shoot. How else do you explain the existence of that angel of a man? I guess he could’ve just been a pedophile, but if that’s the case it’s probably because he wasn’t smoking enough pot.

Perhaps this ties into my previous point, but the first few times you get high your brain will force you onto the stand to be judged under the harshest scrutiny imaginable. Every shitty thing you’ve ever done, every girl you never called back, and every pledge you hazed a little too much will be played back in your head over and over, forcing you to accept the fact that you’re a real piece of shit. Everyone needs to have that realization at least once, because you can’t make it too far in life without becoming a steaming heap of human trash. Life is garbage sometimes, but marijuana can come to the rescue and Stanley Steamer the filth out of your brain until you are able to grow a healthy backbone once again.

I decided to wait to write this closing until I had the chance to roast a bowl myself. It only feels right to do so. Relaxation is almost as important in life as hard work and dedication, but you guys already know that. What is life if not an all out pursuit of the things that make you feel fulfilled, satisfied, and 100 percent yourself? No one needs marijuana to accomplish these goals, but it never hurts to add a little more green to your diet..