This just in: CCP has confirmed that an intense nullsec standoff is triggering a complex series of ingame rules, which will force the Tranquility server into an immediate overtime round. The most noticeable impact is that all weapons are now doing double damage, resulting in rapid victory for those who act quickly. Early reports indicate that thousands of Vexor Navy Issues were wiped out by rats, along with numerous Gilas and other assorted mining vessels. All capsuleers are advised to log in immediately and report for duty.



UPDATE: The announcement of overtime brings back memories from early 2003, when CCP devs announced a mysterious mission to find and locate a magical portal to humanity’s homeworld. Many have long assumed that this was the so-called EVE gate, but the actual portal was recently located inside a neglected moon orbiting 373Z-7. Local moon miners were awed when the object began glowing with a brilliant radiance, revealing a portal passing directly through low sec. After navigating the tunnel for half an hour, pilots appeared in a hitherto unknown binary system which many believe to be only one jump from Terra. Unfortunately, a space hydra vaporized the first explorers, who quickly reported on Discord that they were disconnected and could not log back into the game. An error message simply stated, “Even capsuleers must die. So long and thanks for the memories. CCP will never forget your heroic deeds.”



UPDATE: An early endgame loser is the Mango Army, which already secured victory on the Chinese Serenity server. Although many Tranquility players have heard rumors of a great battle there, this was believed to be merely a distorted and sorely mistranslated reference to some kind of animated cartoon popular with young Chinese millennials. We were all terribly wrong. Unfortunately for the Mango Army, the Tranquility hydra does not have the same resistance holes as the Serenity hydra! Spread the word. Within moments, an entire fleet of Mango titans was thus vaporized, unable to even penetrate the shields of this vicious endgame boss. Stay tuned and we will reveal the creature’s fatal weakness!



UPDATE: Survivors of what is now described as the Mango Massacre have limped back into 373Z-7 space, where their pods are being blasted by smartbombs within a seemingly endless blob of warp disruption bubbles. TEST and Goonswarm fleets battle for a strategic advantage, while Pandemic Horde is desperately trying to log off. Unfortunately, fleet commanders appear wholly unprepared for endgame overtime carnage, as CCP has completely terminated time dilation effects. Instead of slowing game speeds to accommodate excessive fleet sizes, the Space Hydra has itself entered New Eden, casting magic missiles which obliterate any ship whose presence might trigger time dilation.



URGENT UPDATE: We are receiving early reports of a panic in Jita, as traders attempt to sell their remaining inventories, before the Space Hydra arrives to devour the trade hub. There are rumors that The Mittani himself has been killed by the beast, as he attempted to pilot a freighter full of rare corpses out of Ami. It is currently advancing through Kor-Azor, and has left several hatchlings in Sehmy to confront any player who attempts to create a new character. In a heroic stand, Janiqua Kusion has barricaded herself in Niarja, vowing to halt the creature’s advance. However, there are reports that the hydra has an ability to fire torpedoes which pass through jump gates and release a system wide virus which causes CONCORD vessels to engage any ship (OR STATION) regardless of security or criminal status.



UPDATE (please read): The hydra has joined forces with the tunnel snakes and the ogre magi of Hek. Jita ceases to even appear on the galactic map, and survivors from around the galaxy are being urged to rally within the Outer Ring. Although all corporations are urged to set one another blue, various wormhole groups refuse to make peace with their enemies, gleefully launching surprise attacks upon hapless refugee convoys. Only Chance Ravinne has stood with honour, returning from his retirement and pledging his entire fortune to provide free ammunition delivery to anyone willing to fight against the dreadful void beasts.



URGENT UPDATE: Do not think that you can log off and remain safe. Several readers have reported that their accounts are being drained of skill points while logged off, and characters which run out of skill points will die within minutes. Also, everyone is reminded to avoid using any kind of drone, as the ouija gremlins are able to sing a song of sentience which will turn drones back on their bunny with +3 damage in all resistance profiles.



FINAL UPDATE: CCP has announced that the ultimate winner of EVE will be announced shortly after downtime, from amongst those who remain standing strong in the final defense of A2V6-6. If a clear winner is not found, there will be a double overtime round which will involve quadruple damage to all vessels and the introduction of a special new threat to New Eden, which many speculate to be an undead stellarite devourer.



Farewell, and this is EVE Onion signing off from within the galaxy’s last blob.