CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging on his face as he explained the company had been moving toward phasing out the $159 accessories for years. “It was a tough decision, believe us, but you’ll get used to it, I think. This is personally my favorite feature. Oh, and you won’t be able to use another brand of headphones, either. In fact, we’ve removed Bluetooth capabilities completely. Ha, excuse me, I’m sorry, I’m just barely able to contain my excitement.” At press time, Cook struggled to suppress his laughter as he added he just couldn’t wait to reveal what would happen to those who tried to use an adapter.

Advertisement