FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football for at least a few more years after all human civilization lies in ruins,” said Brady, adding that New England fans can expect him to appear on the field every Sunday until long after all traces of mankind’s accomplishments have faded to dust. “Football is my life, and I’ve been eating clean to make sure I can play at the highest level well into the next geologic era. I know I’m 40 years old, and people are talking about my successor, but I promise that your cities will be overgrown graveyards for countless millennia before I hang up my cleats.” Brady did admit that he was concerned about his throwing shoulder holding up against the pressure of the universe’s eventual heat death.

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