FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight end. “They were cute dogs at first, but then I figured out that if you rip them apart, they could be really useful,” said Belichick, watching the fur-covered abomination lumber across the field, producing the blood-curdling sound of splintering bone and ripping flesh with every step. “While tinkering around in my workshop, I started out stitching a few dog legs together, combining ribcages and whatnot, and soon I was reanimating the dead tissue with a portable generator. In almost no time at all, I had a viable red zone target.” Belichick confirmed that the grotesque tight end had a far better understanding of the offense and was considerably more intelligent than Rob Gronkowski.

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