Kick back and pour yourself a tech-o-tini, because there’s a new political star in town – and she is finally talking. She’s talking in a Los Angeles supermarket car park for now, laughing merrily while holding a large carton of almond milk. But if her lawyer gets his way, she’ll be talking in a high-paying British newspaper this weekend. She is, of course, Jennifer Arcuri – model, infosec entrepreneur, and the businesswoman responsible for the technological education of Boris Johnson.

Media outlets in 'bidding war' for Jennifer Arcuri scoop Read more

On Thursday, a US attorney was fielding multiple calls attempting to broker a deal for her story. Asked if that would include her confirming a romantic relationship with Johnson, he replied: “It depends on your definition of romantic.” Wow. Go on. “I’ve known Jennifer for 14 years. There’s a lot of scrutiny of Mr Johnson. Get in the queue — if you want her services, you have to pay for it.” Ought he to be making his client sound like Lol Flanders? It’s not for us to judge.

For now, by way of a taster, we have Jennifer’s car park chat with the Daily Mirror. I can’t play favourites with the sheer volume of brilliant quotes. But how about: “Men just trip over themselves in front of me. They fall in love with me in about 10 minutes … because I know what to say. I make men trip over their dicks. That’s what happens. They go insane around me. They’ve been doing it for years. It’s just what happens.” And very much fair play to her. I suppose that, literally speaking, Boris Johnson remains my prime minister. But spiritually, Jennifer Arcuri has now taken the role.

Maybe you prefer the following gem, perhaps prompted by a question about the stripper’s pole she had in the technology-lessons apartment: “I had the best fucking flat in east London. The reason why Boris would stop over was because of the clusterfuck of emails. And he was like, ‘Jen, what the fuck’s a Google hangout? Where are you at three o’clock, I can, you know, stop over.’”

“You know.” And, yes, you may feel like you DO know. At first glance, Arcuri would seem to be a throwback to the golden era of kiss-and tells, epitomised for me by Bienvenida Buck (then Lady Buck), who did a primetime TV advert for the News of the World in which she purred: “Tomorrow I reveal how your chief of defence staff was a Torrrrrrnado in my bed.”

That said, it must be stressed that Arcuri claims that there is no kissing to tell of. “Complete bullshit”, is her verdict. “If I was banging the dude,” she opines mildly of the prime minister, “and there was some kind of, like trail or sex tape, but there’s nothing. There is a human side of my very complex relationship.” And if you’ve seen the picture of her biting the head off one of three fondant-icing Boris Johnsons on a London mayor-themed cake, you’d be mad to argue with that claim of complexity.

However unlikely this possibility may seem, I now hope against hope that she didn’t actually have sex with the prime minister. The image of Boris Johnson turning up in the expectation of it, and having to listen to Silicon Valley blather while not actually getting any is my new idealised version of this story. Just picture him, asking leading questions about the stripper’s pole, while she shows him how to do a PowerPoint. If there is a hell, this is what Johnson’s would be like.

Either way, thank God for this incredible new character. Jennifer has rocked up now, at a relatively late stage in the story, but you already couldn’t imagine the franchise without her. Like Yoda, who doesn’t appear until the second Star Wars movie. Ditto both Inspector Dreyfus and Cato, who only show up in the Pink Panther sequel. Indeed, in many ways, Jennifer combines different traits from all those three characters – a kind of pseudo-gnomic wisdom, allied to an incipient craziness. And a very real sense that she could judo chop the shit out of you as soon as you got through the front door.

Here she is on why she was being promoted by the UK embassy in the US. “I was extremely proactive. They didn’t stop and go, ‘Wait a minute, did you fuck Boris Johnson?’” At this point, the British ambassador inquiring, “Did you fuck Boris Johnson?” is about the only thing that could make the story better.

And that is all credit to our picaresque heroine. I’ll admit, I didn’t get it at first. But Jennifer is, by the sounds of this, hilariously good value. Even under pressure in a supermarket car park, she is miles more amusing than Boris Johnson, whose hollowed-out narcissism has left him little more than a repository for the same seven knackered jokes and a series of second-class classics allusions. Jennifer, on the other hand, sounds like a card. I suspect she might grow a little rich for the blood in the second hour of dinner à deux, but she’d be a complete hoot to have along at a party. Party, trade mission, whatever.

Jennifer Arcuri 'says all allegations about her and Johnson are false' Read more

Alas, having posted one of her top quotes online, I was disappointed to find gentlemen replying to sniff of Jennifer: “Who talks like that?” I don’t know, guys. Whoever wants to? Maybe not to a reporter in a supermarket car park, I’ll concede … but in the end, so what? I salute Arcuri for being able to laugh swashbucklingly about her cray-cray situation, even in the eye of the media storm. I am not remotely interested in those who are now going to question Johnson’s judgment for ever going near her. She doesn’t even make the cut of the top 1,000 people he should never have gone near – several of whom are in the cabinet, or bankrolled his leadership bid.

Yes, Jennifer Arcuri can talk how she likes and do what she likes. And while I’d selfishly like that to be “talk to a Sunday newspaper and offer much more of the same”, it really is up to her. For now, she’s a breath of Californian air in the increasingly rancid pea-souper of our politics, and I await her next move as a decided fan.

• Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist