It’s Time Your Porn Habits Go Public

This week’s news that Google is being forced to hand over complete YouTube user histories to Viacom got me thinking — about porn.

Let me get you up to speed: Viacom’s been arguing that too much of its copyrighted content has been submitted to YouTube, and — even though the videos have been taken down when requested — Google owes it a billion dollars for not preventing the uploads altogether.

Now, a judge has ruled Google must hand over every registered user name and IP address, along with a complete list of every video that person has ever watched, so Viacom can look it all over.

That’s where we get to the porn. If this kind of legal argument works, I’d like to suggest someone demand the same data from Xtube — the YouTube of adult entertainment, if you will.

That site has all sorts of copyrighted content on it — at least, uh, that’s what I’ve heard. So why not get all the user names, IP addresses, and corresponding videos watched there? Apparently, that’s not a privacy violation, if you apply the logic of Google’s judge. And let’s face it: That kind of data would be way more interesting to review.

Just imagine it: You could walk into work Monday morning with a knowing smirk on your face. “Dan, what’s up, buddy? Good weekend? Nice barbeque? Four facial videos and one anal?'”

All I’m saying is that if privacy’s no longer unequivocally protected — which, one might surmise from this, it’s not — let’s take this thing all the way. Don’t stop with CBS sitcoms. I want to hear respected corporate lawyers reading lists of which “Backdoor Action” videos were illegally seen by whom and how many unpaid viewings of “Ram-Bo Four” happened in the wee hours of the night.

By the way, the Electronic Frontier Foundation is already calling the judge’s decision a violation of federal privacy laws — but so far, the ruling stands. Barely legal, indeed.