Who’s Talking Shit About You: On LinkedIn, you already know who’s viewed your profile. Now, with our latest feature, you can also see who’s been dissing you behind your back. If you’ve ever wondered why your ex has been looking at your LinkedIn page, then you’ll love hearing what she has to say about your beard and the “people skills” you claim to have.

Honest Endorsements: Let’s be honest, your college roommate isn’t qualified to endorse you for your talents in leadership and social-media marketing. New endorsable skills include “quiet crier,” “likes Lizzo” and “shit-talks but only about people who deserve it.”

Desperate Text: With our predictive-text options, you can now sound even more like the human manifestation of a résumé. Congratulate a peer on his work anniversary using automated phrases like “Amazing! You make money!” and “Congratulations! Give me a job?”

Headshot/Headline Filter: Upload any photo of yourself and we will run it through our special filter to make you look less like yourself and more like a person who shops regularly at JoS. A. Bank. Also, we will help you craft a headline that screams “I need dental insurance—I have seven cavities.”

Direct-Comparison Newsfeed: We designed LinkedIn to remind you that the entire roster of your college’s lacrosse team is more successful than you are because each athlete majored in finance. On your homepage, you’ll see your connections’ impressive job titles, high salaries, and photos of their beautiful, smiling families—all presented in stark contrast to your grim, advertising-admin job.

Push Notifications for Other People’s Achievements: We already e-mail you whenever one of your connections has a “work anniversary,” for some reason. Now we’re excited to announce that, whenever anyone you know achieves anything at all, we’ll send an alert directly to your phone. A promotion, a raise, or simply a feeling that they’re killin’ it. And, yes, we’ll let you know if they’re younger than you!

Dream-Jobs Search: LinkedIn is a powerful tool for today’s job seekers. Our site can now display a list of jobs that perfectly align with your interests (as long as they are in B2B marketing) and that you need two to five more years of experience in the industry for. Apply for any of them by dropping your résumé into our Web portal (spam folder) and then never hear back. You’ll be perfect for these jobs after a few more internships, probably!

Podcast Publishing: Everyone on LinkedIn has always been able to write an article on business or professional development and share it with the world, regardless of their actual knowledge of the topic. Now anyone can record an unedited podcast and throw it up onto your newsfeed. How does your mom’s friend from Tampa feel about new trends in social-media marketing? Find out in only two and a half hours of riveting conversation.

Celebrate a Teammate: We’re not updating this feature, we just wanted to inform you that you’re the only person in your network who has yet to achieve a career milestone worth publicly celebrating.

Let Recruiters Know You’re Searching: Ha ha, just kidding. The recruiters don’t care if you’re searching. But we have added more bots to message you about fake positions at charter schools. Do not accept their offers, as seductive as they may seem, unless you love kids and also eventually becoming part of the singularity we’re building at our corporate headquarters.

Freaky-Friday Feature: Swap places with someone younger and more successful than you (like your cousin who’s disrupting the cereal industry!), but then return to your body at the end of the day and just live with the knowledge that your professional anxiety is entirely justified. You must upgrade to Premium for this feature.