I recently read a post by a disgruntled mother who noticed that whilst little girls are often rewarded by somewhat “liberal” or “progressive” parents for transgressing gender norms and playing with “boy’s toys”, the colliery is rarely true for little boys who show a preference or even a passing interest in pink, princesses or crafty hobbies. Despite large numbers of people claiming we are in an age where women and girls should not be held back from pursing any interests or careers due to gender, the same is rarely applied to boys and men.

At one point in my life, I was a very keen GAA and rugby fan (mainly watching the men’s games), and found myself gaining people’s respect when I could discuss plays and the like. They didn’t expect a woman to know much about the sport and at the time I had been lucky enough to attend many matches and followed all three sports quite closely. That alone seemed to impress people whether I intended it to or not. However had a male stood beside me and been able to discuss, for instance the merits of a ballet performance, I very much doubt his words would have received the same kudos.

Paul Flynn – one of my sporting heros in the 00s!

More startlingly, is the fact that many women are ridiculed and devalued for pursing interests traditionally considered more feminine. Would a woman discussing the ballet performance have even been deemed interesting? Disappointingly, this is especially true in feminist and queer spaces and amongst women who consider themselves to be “powerful” in their life-pursuits. I noticed this most strongly when I began engaging in LGBT groups, clubs and socialising with (mostly wonderful, all very young) feminist-identified people. Gay men I met prided themselves on their masculinity. “I’m an exclusive top” was brandied around like a badge of honour as was “he’s so straight-acting!” “Twinks”, “bottoms” and an array of other stereotypes were often deemed the weaker rarely deemed socially powerful. This does seem to be changing now, with drag becoming more mainstream and powerful drag queens like Panti embracing that considered feminine to deliver society-changing messages! Amongst queer women, there was a certain judgemental-ness that displaying overt outward femininity meant you were passive (both in the bedroom and in life in general), presenting more masculine or androgenously was taken as “proof” of your queerness.

So focused was I in younger years on not letting my gender hold me back that I resented the part of society telling me that being a women meant liking “feminine” things. I felt almost guilty when I found myself behaving “like a girl”. It was the weaker part of my character that desired societal acceptance, I told myself that had me wanting to like those silly feminine trappings. It was definitely an undercurrent when I was a teenager, on one hand there was the pressure to conform to the westernised heteronormative standards of beauty to be accepted which for me, meant being cajoled (often unwillingly) to conform to what a “woman” or a “girl” “should” be. On the other hand, the women I looked up to and admired seemed to be able to forgo these pressures to conform and could embody masculinity or androgyny at will. To me, being a strong women-identified person meant that not only could you choose to bunk traditional gender roles, but that you chose to do so at every opportunity.

“Femininity” was something that was forced upon anyone assigned female at birth, ultimately against their will and their best interests. What we considered feminine was frivolous, it was not something that any other gender would like even if society said they could. Every time I engaged in something designated by society as something for “the women” I told myself that I was conforming because it was what society expected me to do and that one day when I was able to “be myself” I wouldn’t be shackled by the constraints.

However the point I missed was that masculinity is not “the norm”. Sexism in society doesn’t simply mean that anyone but cis men have been at a disadvantage historically, but also that traits considered “masculine” have been traditionally favoured and promoted as the status quo. Androgyny is also more often than not, considered to be on the masculine side of the gender spectrum – meaning that masculinity is seem as the “norm” with femininity been seen as “other”.

Whilst the pressure on women to “conform” and for instance meet certain (often ridiculous) standards of beauty and behaviour is very real it is possible to fight to overcome gendered restrictions in some aspects of your life and the society you inhabit whilst embracing interests, hobbies and emotions deemed historically to be feminine without compromising your integrity.

This is definitely art

As I got older, although I was still in awe of women who had the courage to be true to themselves and embrace masculinity or androgyny, I realised these were not the only strong or courageous women in society. So focused was I on not letting my “female-ness” hold me back I didn’t realise how many people were bravely embracing aspects of femininity, often at great cost to themselves. I started noticing the talented make-up ARTISTS around me, whose art is often ridiculed and demeaned as it is an art-form traditionally embraced more commonly by women. I saw people of all genders embracing character traits deemed feminine, and having the courage to do so in a way that benefited not only them but others around them. I started seeing the ways in which people came together to pursue crafts, dance, culinary endeavours and a zillion other hobbies that are often classed as “feminine”, and the networks formed and the joy brought by these pursuits, which society often ignores and devalues.

I found that the aspects of myself and the interests I showed that fell firmly into the “femme” side of the spectrum were every bit as strong and as worthy as the masc traits I admired in others and had been raised to value.

Tackling sexism means not acknowledging areas in which women are under-represented and allowing us to access them if we choose. It also means owning up to the fact that as a society we place less worth on areas we consider feminine and starting to value these as legitimate areas of pursuit for people of all genders.