SPOILER ALERT: This blog is for people watching Downton Abbey series five. Don’t read on if you haven’t seen series five, episode five.

Read Viv Groskop’s episode four blog here.

A slow and sedate episode with only Richard E Grant getting socked in the jaw to jolt us out of the sweet sherry stupor that this programme seems to induce. Why is it that with three minutes and 50 seconds to go, they start rolling up the carpets for an exciting cocktail party? I wouldn’t have minded a whole episode of cocktail party, showing off what Downton does best: fabulously lavish sets, glittering period detail and gorgeous costumes. The neckline alone of Lady Mary’s navy silk bias-cut dress deserved an Oscar.



But we were not allowed a cocktail party. Instead, we were served up one echo of a previous dilemma after another. For cosy Sunday night viewing, there’s nothing offensive about Downton. But for anyone on board since series one, the deja vu is becoming exhausting. I keep expecting the Turkish ambassador’s long-lost twin brother to turn up and have a cardiac arrest while ravishing Lady Mary.

Branson has faced the choice between the family and his radical ideas before. This is the second time Lady Edith has had to decide whether to pull The Impostor Child out of a foster family. (I had forgotten about “poor Mrs Schroder”.) And now Rose is falling in love once more with someone who is “not one of us”.

The other painfully repeated storyline – and one that jars the most – is Thomas’ struggle with his sexuality. For the first two to three series, Thomas was feisty, conniving and deliciously evil. Yes, he had his demons and was prone to folly. (Who remembers the time he bought all the black market flour and then went mad in the shed with it?) But I struggle to believe that he is really ashamed of who he is. He might need to be secretive and he might be terrified of losing his position in the house, but he is a proud man and nobody’s fool.

This is the same man who risked everything by making a pass at Jimmy. And nothing really happened as a consequence anyway. So why would he now be abusing himself with a spoon on a regular basis? This is not to take anything away from Rob James-Collier’s performance it’s just one of the long-running plot threads that seems to be weakening the longer it’s dragged out.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Atticus and Lady Rose, who is falling in love with someone who is ‘not one of us’. Photograph: Nick Briggs/PR

Bates, meanwhile, has become utterly terrifying. “We’ll sit by the fire with all our children around us and I’ll make certain you are safe.” He delivered this line as if he were in The Godfather. Beware the horse’s head, Anna. If they are going to have so many children then why have they not had any yet? They got married years ago and Anna has made no secret of her squeamishness about contraception. Was there a moment last series when she mentioned that she was struggling to get pregnant? Or did I make that up? What’s the betting the Ill-Defined Contraceptive Device comes back into play soon?

There were some good bits. I liked Mrs Patmore and Mrs Hughes playing Mr Carson like a violin. I wish Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson would just get it on. She must dream of his sand-sprinkled ankles every night. I still love the bonkers Russians despite their greasy hair, grumpiness and anti​semitism. Honestly, though, how much cake can they eat? Poor Rose must be knackered with all the visits to the patisserie.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley and Hugh Bonneville as Robert, Earl of Grantham. Photograph: Nick Briggs/PR

And obviously Molesley – the star of the entire shebang – was fabulous. The most poignant moment of this episode was the split second we saw Molesley in his white gloves scurrying down the corridor like a water vole: “Coming, Mr Carson!” Adorable little mournful water vole.

One last thing. What on earth was that business with the nudist colony?

Random subplot alert

“When did someone last cherish you?” Who’d have thought the Earl of Grantham could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee? You’re The Greatest, Hugh Bonneville! Go on, sock it to him again! This was a fabulous scene, over far too quickly. The interplay between Edith and Cora was fascinating: of course Cora would try ​to conceal the fact that anything was wrong, just as Edith ​keeps her own secrets from Cora. I still feel that Richard E Grant has been woefully underused and been made to deliver the same lines three episodes running. (“You really should be more appreciated by your husband …” etc) More fistfights, Uncle Julian, please.



Surprise character development

After all that, the Uppity Socialist Schoolteacher is just going to leave and go to a grammar school in Preston? Even Daisy knows that’s a mistake. Although what am I saying? Of course, she knows because Daisy knows everything and is Einstein, the all-seeing eye and the Great Oz rolled into one. Don’t give up your dreams, Daisy! Keep on with the algebra.



For the first time, I felt sorry for the Uppity Socialist Schoolteacher in this episode and rather warmed to her: I wish we could have seen more character development here for Miss Bunting (Daisy Lewis). And it seems that Tom really does love her: “When I’m with her I don’t feel like a freak or a fool, devoid of common sense.” (That’s not a great reason for getting together with someone, by the way.) Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of Miss Bunting. Call it a tingle.

Golden eyebrow award of the week

There was an early bid from the Earl of Grantham here when he found out that the Seducing Art Historian Travelling Salesman Fellow was coming to stay: “You’re not forbidden from inviting him.” “Good. Because I already have.” However, this was soon eclipsed in the eyebrow stakes by the restaurant scene between Lady Mary and Lord Gillingham’s Ill-Defined Previous Lady Friend. What with Lord Gillingham himself being one of the Ill-Defined Suitors and this scene being introduced by Charles Blake, another Ill-Defined Suitor, you could be forgiven for getting confused. As always in Downton, if in doubt, look to the eyebrows. And Lady Mary’s were sky-high. “Goodness. I wasn’t expecting you.” Sponsorship from the Benefit Brow Bar can only be a phone call away.

Excuse me, could you just repeat that awkward line of dialogue?

• “I accept change. But I want to navigate it gently.” So said the Earl of Grantham. Oh, for heaven’s sake, everyone please navigate it less gently.

• “You’ll notice I poured them [the pre-dinner drinks] myself.” CODE RED, CODE RED: TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGING. HAS EVERYONE GOT IT?

• “You are the soul of kindness, Mr Barrow.” A wonderful glimpse of the old sarky, cunning Thomas we loved to hate. Bring back that man!

• “I’m afraid you’ve read somewhere that rudeness in old age is amusing. And it’s quite wrong.” No, Rosamund, you’re wrong. It is really amusing and Dame Maggie should have more zingers. They’ve tailed off a bit. Where’s this series’ equivalent of “What is a weekend?”

Next week

Mary is riding a horse! Anna suspects Bates! And Spratt is, er, losing his sense of occasion or something?