NEW MILTON, WV—Asking whether possession of an exceptional sexual organ he was forbidden to use was perhaps a test from the Lord, local Roman Catholic priest Russell Calhoun reportedly lamented Tuesday the fact that God cursed him with an incredible penis. “Why, oh, why would the Lord demand chastity of a man upon whom He has bestowed this magnificent, perfectly sculpted cock?” Calhoun said as he questioned why God, in His infinite wisdom, had called such an exquisitely hung man to the priesthood, thereby requiring him to cloister away 10 inches of spectacular phallus that could otherwise be used to bring untold sexual pleasure to others. “It seems selfish to hide away a gift like this magnificent dong and not share it with the world, but I must trust that it is all part of God’s plan. Much like Jonah and his power of prophecy, my blessing is also my burden, for I would surely be deep-dickin’ untold numbers of men and women right now were it not for the strictures of my vocation.” At press time, sources confirmed Father Calhoun was taking solace in the fact that, if nothing else, at least several of his church’s altar boys were blessed with the opportunity to gaze upon his sublime penis once a week.

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