The best fake invasion yet resulted in 114 attacks against Ukrainian positions

Every few weeks we have to write an article just like this one. It usually begins with some sort of sarcastic quip about invisible columns of Russian tanks.

This time we're just going to give you the straight facts. No monkey business.

They're coming! Again!

There is a website, a very famous website. It's called "UA Position". Maybe you have heard of it? Its mission statement reads (we're quoting verbatim, here):

UaPosition is the media project that was founded to report news in Ukraine and about Ukraine, and also about Ukrainians in Ukraine and all over the world. Target audience is non-Ukrainians who are lack of information about Ukraine and Ukrainian in their native language.

So, to recap: UA Position is a good place to go for Ukraine-related stuff with bad grammar. It's also the go-to source for the most up-to-date news on Russia's never-ending invasion of Ukraine.

Here is the latest intelligence report from our friends at UA Position:

Russian troops increased their combat activity along the entire frontline, shelled day and night. They brought up additional artillery reserves which resulted in increased number of attacks from cannons and Grad multiple rocket launcher systems (Grad MRLS). 4 Ukrainian troops were killed, 19 troops were wounded, according to the press service of the Anti-Terrorist Operation (ATO) Headquarters.

The Ukrainians were fighting back waves of Russians, "day and night". This is already reading like a Tom Clancy thriller with a splash of Hemingway.

In total, the Russians launched a whopping 114 attacks against Ukrainian positions in one day, according to UA Position.

And herein lies the problem: The Russians. We all know they are violent, dangerous killers, right? But how did they attack Ukrainian troops 114 times, and only kill 4 soldiers?

This is the sour pickle that all good propagandists face. How do we make "the other" sound dangerous and evil, without making our side look like incompetent cannon fodder?

Not to worry. To quote UA Position, those who "are lack of information about Ukraine" now know that the brave Ukrainian Army, which drives cars with random metal plates glued on to them, for "protection", fought back Russian regulars — probably even elite special forces! And only 4 K.I.A. ... A story worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster starring Tom Hanks as a brave Ukrainian officer who has Nazi rune insignia.

Glory to Ukraine!