You all have lied about relationships, and I’m over it

Thanks to Disney and social media, I can’t recognize what a good relationship looks like when I have one

Admit it. You do it too. You are a part of the problem. I have held back for too long, but I’m just going to come right out and say it:

I’m pissed at you.

I’m also pissed at Disney. I’m pissed at Hollywood, the Bible, “I said yes to the dress!” chalkboards, bridesmaid proposals and engagement photo shoots. I am tired of this perfect fairy tale we are (literally )sold: ‘first comes love, then comes marriage…’

The way our society talks about romantic love and marriage has distorted my own sense of self-worth, hindered my ability to be the best partner I can be and made me fearful for the future.

I am over it.

Picture this. Freshman year of college, a cute, smart guy catches my eye. We become friends on Facebook, and I make some poor attempts to flirt, but he doesn’t catch on. We both have our own relationships and our lives, and so I leave it be. Then, four years later, I send him a message out of the blue, still interested after all this time. To my surprise, he enthusiastically agrees to a date with me. We go out for Indian food, we have a sweet first kiss, and we’re so excited about each other that we go on our second date the following day. He’s a bit nerdy, totally hot, and is the most selfless and loving person I’ve ever met. We can’t get enough of each other, things move super fast, and soon I’m halfway moved in to his apartment. Sounds perfect, right?

It gets better! Early on in our relationship, we find out that we are both bisexual and share many common sexual fantasies. Our sex life is great: he loves to go down me, he likes to play with anal toys and be submissive, and we switch power dynamics seamlessly. He’s extremely careful with consent and boundaries, and I trust him completely. We decide to try a totally new sexual adventure together, dipping our toes into The Lifestyle for the first time. We have wonderful, open conversations about our sex, and we know how to spice things up when it seems we’re getting into a slump. By all accounts, our relationship seems wonderful. We move in together a little over a year into our relationship, and we manage the grocery shopping, laundry and intertwining of our lives, bedtimes, and finances with little hassle.

It all sounds great! Like a totally healthy, enviable relationship. But still, something feels wrong. As I scroll through my Facebook news feed, I get the feeling that we’re behind. There are engagement pictures everywhere. All traditional proposals, all traditional rings. Strapless white dresses. Church, reception, honeymoon; it’s the same old story. There are heartfelt posts about how they knew it was meant to be from the beginning. The proposals are coming from first loves and high school sweethearts. People are starting to get pregnant by choice. I’m a little freaked out by this, and I want no part of it. So then why do I feel like I should?

What does it mean that we’re almost two years into our relationship, things are going great, and we’re not engaged? Is there something wrong with me because I don’t feel ready to be engaged? I love this guy with all my heart, but I’m extremely cynical about the idea of marriage. My partner and I won’t be the same people ten years from now. What if our careers drive us apart? What if we get bored? Aren’t we way too young to be making the decision to commit to someone for the rest of our lives? And why in the world are other people’s relationships causing me so much distress? Seriously, I went into a deep depression for about a week over the engagement of some friends, and every time I see their sappy posts, my heart sinks. I should be happy for them, but instead, I’m jealous. Why don’t I feel so sure? Am I just in the wrong relationship, despite all indications to the contrary? When it’s the right person, aren’t you just supposed to know?