After months of being alone and fucking homemade sex toys while giving myself full permission to grow my vagina hair, wear packet underwear from Primark and to smear Sudocrem all over my face every night, making me look like a greasy ghost and smell like a babies ass, I decided that my New Year’s resolution was to have more sex, because it gives me something to do now that I’ve finished my degree and it helps prevent some cancers, so that means I don’t have to do Race For Life this year, right?

Since Friday was a mate’s birthday and we had planned to go out dancing, I figured there was no better time than the present to look hot and go out and fuck someone, so I turned to the wonder that is the interweb, because I’m way too busy practicing my upside-down ball-sucking technique on oranges to shop IRL now, and ordered some quirky beautifying products to make me hotter than any other girl out there.

My new alternative beauty regime proved successful and so I decided to share it with you girls so you too can make the most of your assets!

#1: Bleach your anus.

Anal Bleaching and Lightening cream… £19.99… chemistdirect.co.uk

I don’t know about you, but when I’m on all fours I just cannot help but worry about how my asshole looks. Have my 21-years of shitting stained it brown? Does the color variation make my St. Tropez jobby look uneven? So I figured the best way to deal with this dilemma was to bleach my ass, a la Bridesmaids.

This particular bleach is an exfoliant, whitener and moisturiser all in one and can also be used on vaginas and penises, so you and your significant other can have matching genitals! So Kooples.

I found it a little awkward to apply by myself as my eyes are on the front of my head and not the back, so I got one of my girlfriends to help me. This particular bleach instructs the user to apply the cream twice a day for a couple of weeks, but since I only had three days I had it applied five times a day for three days.

This resulted in my ‘daisy’ being pink and super cute and the guy I screwed that night was truly fooled into believing I was a perfect, non-shitting female.

#2: Spray yourself with pheromones.

System Jo Pheromone Spray… $34.99… Shopinprivate.com

Just in case you’re stupid, pheromones are sex attractants that we naturally excrete from our bodies and this pheromone spray consists of real human pheromones, so that every boy you drift past wants to animalistically rape you. Obviously raping is fucked up but I quite like the concept of power behind it, so I bought this to replace my So Kiss Me perfume in the hope that I would be the most fanciable girl in the whole world, because let’s be honest, no one else is gonna buy this crap.

What I didn’t realize is that this stuff is totally unscented so I had to dig So Kiss Me back out of the bin. Despite this, I noticed that a lot more boys than usual wanted to fuck me. One guy even offered me heroin, bless him.

#3: Tighten that pelvic floor.

Liquid Virgin Drops… $9.99… Shopinprivate.com

If you’ve met me you would have noticed that I’m only tiny and the same goes for down there, but I’m not fucking Asian so I tried out this “vaginal contracting lubricant”.

I followed the instructions and applied a few drops for temporarily tighter vagina walls. However, I seemed to underestimate myself as my pussy almost completely closed up. It’s a good job the guy I pulled had a small dick and that he had at least six double Sambuca and Coke’s.

#4: Fasten your merkin.

The Kitty Carpet… $8.99… Shopinprivate.com

I was never gonna fuck an Amish guy but I thought regular guys might appreciate a bit of hair down there for a change, so what’s more convenient than a pubic wig?! The Kitty Carpet comes in blonde, brown and pink. I went with pink just in case the tips poked out of my disco pants while partying at The Alibi.

These were originally used in the 1450s to disguise hair loss caused by the treatment of STIs. What I failed to remember was that it’s now two-thousand-and-fucking-thirteen and that a.) nobody gives a shit if you have warts hanging off your lips and b.) no one wants piss-smelling, fake pubes in their teeth. Alas, the guy I fucked ripped it off while we were making out in the corner of the bar but I’m still bigg-ing this one up. Some guy out there’s gotta have a thing for hipster-pubes.

#5: Freshen that breath.

Strawberry Masque Strips… $5.79… Amazon.com

These strips dissolve in your mouth serving two purposes — they get rid of bad breath and they make your mouth and his cum taste like strawberries, so he doesn’t have to smell the alcohol on your breath or taste the cocaine drip down the back on your neck and you can shut the fuck up and get on with sucking his dick instead of forcing litres of pineapple juice down his neck first.

I fucking hate the taste of cum so much that I wouldn’t let a quantity larger than the pre stuff enter my mouth until last year, which, considering I started in 2005, probably means that I frustrated a lot of boys. Even now I have to know that the guy’s gonna bring me tea in bed in the morning before I’ll let them blow in my gob, otherwise it’s just not worth it, so these strips seemed like the miracle cure to my completely rational dislike of consuming those salty-tasting extra calories. 25 per teaspoon, to be exact.

Howevs, the flavour was so intense that I was almost sick before we had even started. On the plus side, it made me drool like some unfed dog and once it diluted with my saliva, it wasn’t too bad. I mean it was, but it definitely masked the taste of cum, which is like a million times worse.

So girls, if you too believe in that whole “New-year-new-me!” bullshit or if you just wanna get laid and feel less self-conscious of your poo stained asshole, I suggest you follow these steps.