Rise of the Guardians and the Post Card of What Looked Like a Pyramid of Pencil Shavings





It was a sunny day but there was snow. There were no stars, only sadness. Jack Frost, the handsome boy who had the face of the greatest combination of boy band members in existence, lived here. He didn't go anywhere else in the world. It just happened to be this one town. The wind hurried through the trees and made them sing like Elton John. Jack's consciousness became ethereal and he sacrificed himself to The Cloud.







Jack got up and looked down at squishy Jamie. He was angrily floss dancing and everyone else was T-posed.





"The children are lost," Jack griped as his blood felt like dragons.





A great ray of bombastic moonlight landed on Jack. Jack took a moment to stop punching fire to take heed of his master. The Man in the Moon's words were diddly, but they led Jack to look to the East.





There stood Pitch the Boogeyman, presenting himself to the common masses of cats, no longer the man he once was, but now a beacon of delightful anguish. "Come, Jack, my boy!" he hailed. "Confront me!"





The unicorn in Jack's mind told him it was a bad idea, but he walked forward, anyways. Undead snow people probably don't need a viable conscious, these days… He approached the wistful tall-man.





"What happened?" Jack asked.





"Join my vampire legion!" Pitch demanded. "With this new great power, we will rule together, and bring ruin to the world!"





"Were you always a vampire?" Jack spazzed in puzzeledness. "I will join you even less!"





"THEN PERISH!" Pitch hurled teeth at Jack.





Jack back-flipped into the lake, evading Pitch's dental onslaught. After some serious thought, Jack remembered he could fly and needed to breathe. He left the depths of the water and flew towards the North Pole. Breathing was a good and necessary thing, something that couldn't be accomplished in the lake, as Jack already had too much not-breathing-underwater experience. He feared the idea of what monstrosity he would come back as, should the Man in the Moon revive him a second time.





"I don't want to be a crumpit…" Jack muttered to himself.







It occurred to Jack that MiM must have told the other guardians by now that Pitch is crazy. He finally arrived at North's workshop, which was covered in eggnog and nutmeg.





"Either this is a new defense system or something amazing must have happened!" Jack laughed as he crashed and burned on North's balcony.





"Heavens to Betsy!" Bunnymund cried as he drop-kicked Jack's smouldering figure, put out the fire, and shook him. "Do you want to be crumpits?!"





"I don't want to be crumpits!" Jack replied.





Everyone was there. Tooth Fairy smiled and her head popped off, Sandman was assembling an army of Aerosmith fans, and North emerged from a cactus.





"Jack! Thank god you're here!" North cheered.







Jack flew to the gathered guardians. "Pitch is a vampire now, and the world is in danger! He's probably eating children."







North quietly nodded as Tooth gasped and Bunnymund temporally phased out of existence. Sandman looked into Jack's eyes and deep into his soul. Jack did not like it, but he loved him like that night in Detroit.





"None of us are strong enough to defeat him." North said. "Except you, Jack. You are our only chance. If you can find the power…"





"But how? I was no match for him. Where is this power?"







The big man leaned down to Jack. "The elves have transcended to a higher enlightenment, Jack," cooed North.





Jack looked up and the elves gazed down at him with loving eyes and purpose. Jack had the power, now. The yetis shed their fur and revealed their true forms. It was the cast of Glee. They and the Aerosmith army rejoiced, and all knew they were saved. North's sleigh burst out of the giant globe, and everyone piled in. And I mean everyone.





"Let's wallop ourselves an edgelord!" Bunnymund proclaimed as the reindeer took off.





They returned to the town, where thankfully, it looked like no one died or, furthermore, had been eaten. Except maybe the parents. We wouldn't know, since Rise of the Guardians never really involved the parents.





"Pitch!" Jack called as he leapt from the sleigh. "Face me!"





Pitch emerged from the ground with a pterodactyl screech. "Your challenge is accepted, boy!" Pitch summoned his nightmare monsters, but it was in vain.







Jack raised his staff and with the power of a thousand snowflakes, he summoned a great wind that froze Pitch in place. "Why didn't I just do that in the movie?" he asked himself.







North picked up Pitch and was ready to throw him out of the one town in America. "Are you ready, Bunny?"







Bunnymund pulled a magic baseball bat from Sandy and prepared to swing. "Ready when you are, mate!"





North threw Pitch at Bunnymund, and with a swing, he was launched from the forest, never to be seen again.





"But whose going to be the villain, now?" asked Tooth.





Bunnymund fed the mystical bat to his eggs. "Probably Baby Tooth."





"I've raised a monster!" she wailed, shattering a nearby tree.







"That was it?" Jack asked as he watched in astonishment.





In his god tongue, Sandy tried to explain that of all the things the author wasn't high enough to write, it was the final battle.







"But then what was the great power?" Jack asked.







"The adventure!" North proclaimed.







It was time to leave. North decided to peruse a career in hunting multidimensional cyborgs, while Sandy seriously thought about retirement. Bunnymund and the reindeer gave-up and left for a poker game in Ban Ban, Queensland, Australia. Feathers fell from Tooth and turned into Japanese visual novels. Jack felt something break within him.





Jack decided to just go back to town. He felt like the inner workings of his soul was spaghetti and he was the tomato sauce. At this point, it was probably the only thing Jamie would let him be. However, something caught his attention. A feeling like when you're about to trip over a piece of furniture and fall into a tear in the space-time continuum but not quite as intense.





Turning to face the lake, Jack saw a girl, about his height. But she had long, white hair and a blue sweater, not to mention she had a staff identical to his. Jack approached her and she handed him a post card of what looked like a pyramid of pencil shavings.







"Who are you?" asked Jack.





"I am Jacquelyn Frost," she answered, her magnificent orbs rolling back into her head. "I am you but woman. We are alike in every way, therefore compatible. Marry me."





Jack walked away.

