Divorce often triggers questions about your manhood. Why couldn’t you fix it or just endure? Isn’t that what a “real man” would have done?

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Going through a divorce is one of the most trying times in a man’s life. Not only can there be a high monetary cost, but there may also be a huge impact on your self-esteem and sense of who you are. It can wreak havoc how you view yourself as a man and create a crisis of masculinity.

This can all lead to a lack of confidence, even serious health risks, and you may need to exert some effort to reclaim your masculinity following a split.

You lose a great deal when a marriage ends, especially if there are children involved. You cede your home, your family, your kids, your social and emotional support, and more. Even if you hold onto these things in some capacity, the shape is forever changed—you may wind up with the house in the divorce, but it’s not the home it once was; you may still see your kids, but your relationship is indelibly altered.

This often triggers questions about your manhood. Why couldn’t you fix it? Why couldn’t you just endure? Isn’t that what a “real man” would have done? These drastic changes can result in feelings of shame, humiliation, wounded pride, lack of power and control, and even fear.

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This can all lead to a lack of confidence, even serious health risks, and you may need to exert some effort to reclaim your masculinity following a split. We’re not talking about being super macho. There’s no need to go out and shoot stuff or join a fight club, unless that’s your thing (martial arts can be a healthy, constructive, cathartic way to vent and relieve stress). Here are some ways to accomplish this.

Take Time For Yourself, To Be Yourself

It’s easy to get lost in a long-term relationship. We’ve all done it. In some ways, we cease to be our individual selves and become a piece of something else—ideally it’s something bigger than us, but that doesn’t always work out. You may not even notice small changes and compromises until you look in the mirror one day and you’re not sure who’s looking back. That can be a shocking, jarring moment of realization.

After a divorce, you need to take some time to reacquaint yourself with yourself. Indulge passions you put on the shelf for one reason or another. Remember who you are on your own, outside of the relationship that, in many ways, came to define you, both to yourself and other people.

And don’t just find yourself, be yourself. You’ll be much happier and much better off if you take a moment to recognize the ideal version of who you are. The most masculine men I know are the ones who know themselves, down deep, and stay true to that. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with another person.

Try To Be A Better Man, And A Better Person

While you’re trying to get to know yourself again also happens to be the perfect opportunity to improve yourself. Maybe you don’t need a complete teardown, but who among us couldn’t use a touch up here and there?

This can mean just about anything. Maybe you used to run marathons but have let yourself go. Perhaps you were an avid hiker but you can’t even remember what it smells like in the woods. Why not dust off that guitar you haven’t touched in years?

You can also look at the ways you may have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and make changes. Not every union ends because of monumental things like abuse or adultery. All too often they erode bit by bit while we’re not paying attention. There are all kinds of ways to improve your communication skills, which will only benefit you, your loved ones, and anyone you wind up in a relationship with in the future.

Be The Best Father To Your Kids While You Can

So much of the idea of men and masculinity is tied to being a father that one of the most severe and shocking repercussions of divorce can be a change in custody. Even in the best cases, if there are minor children involved, the amount of time you’re able to spend with them will shift drastically.

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, even if you’re the primary guardian, you’ll likely have to give them up for periodic visitations. This means some weekends without the kids, or major holidays spent with their mother instead of you. If you fall on the other side of this coin, you may only see them a handful of days a month or every other Thanksgiving.

Being in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship isn’t particularly healthy. At the same time, however, neither is totally eschewing the possibility of dating.

Whatever your custody situation, make the most of the time you do get to spend with your children. Make it memorable and productive. Continue to be involved in the parenting decisions, even if you’d rather spend as little time with your ex as possible. You may only have a fraction of the time you once had, but you’re still their father and can, and should, have a vital, definitive impact on shaping who they become and how they grow up.

Don’t Be Afraid To Get Back Out There

Sure, your marriage didn’t work. It may have been toxic and sucked the life out of you. But that doesn’t mean that all relationships are doomed to the same fate, totally unhealthy, and not worth pursuing. Remember, not every woman is your ex.

Yes, odds are it will end badly. Most relationships do conclude with a breakup, those are the overwhelming statistics—think about how many people you dated before you finally settled down with you now-ex. But they can also be fun and exciting and invigorating if you meet the right person.

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You don’t want to just hop on the very first train that goes by. Being in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship isn’t particularly healthy. At the same time, however, neither is totally eschewing the possibility of dating. It can be difficult and scary, and maybe it’s been quite a while since you put yourself out there, but at some point you should open yourself up to the opportunity. Now if you can only explain it to your kids.

Set And Achieve Goals For Yourself

It’s important to have things to strive for, to have goals to reach. Nothing feels quite as masculine as creating an objective and achieving your ambition. This can be anything from learning a new skill to getting back in shape to doing something ultra-manly like rebuilding an engine or fabricating a kitchen table from scratch.

Having a target in sight will help keep you focused and motivated. An activity is so much more engaging if you have a purpose. It doesn’t have to be anything major, but the sense of accomplishment you’ll feel when you finish a project or reach a milestone can be a huge boost to self-esteem and your sense of self-worth.

Doing this on a regular basis can be huge step towards reestablishing your masculinity.

Take Care Of Yourself

This one is huge. This may even be the most important, because without your health, it’s damn near impossible to achieve anything else on this list. Take care of yourself.

The stereotypical masculine approach is to put others ahead of you, to be the provider, the pillar, the rock, even when there is a cost to yourself. That’s all fine, but you’re no good to anyone if you’re sick or broken-down or worse.

In the wake of divorce, men face a number of increased health concerns. Following a split, we are at an elevated risk for hypertension, heart disease, and even cancer, among other diseases.

It can be tough to ask for assistance—we’re men, after all, we’re not supposed to express ourselves or talk about our feelings, right?

Losing a wife or children, or even just having your life uprooted in dramatic fashion, can have a huge impact on your emotional state. Facing a new, uncertain future, it’s easy to sink into depression and turn to alcohol, drugs, or other high-risk behaviors to fill that space. Suicide rates spike for men after divorce.

That’s the extreme, but how easy is it to lose motivation to eat right, exercise regularly, and generally look out for your own well-being? You need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself mentally and physically. Watch what you eat. Maybe hit the gym once in awhile. A drink here and there is fine, but don’t over indulge. If you’re having trouble coping, find someone who can help.

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It can be tough to ask for assistance—we’re men, after all, we’re not supposed to express ourselves or talk about our feelings, right? But don’t be ashamed to turn to family or friends for support. There is an increasing pool of resources for men dealing with divorce, from online communities to in-person groups. If you need them, take advantage.

Masculinity can be so connected to being a husband and a father that when those things disappear in divorce, or at least undergo a radical change, it can be difficult to contend with and accept. Such a shift may undermine your sense of identity, but there are ways to cope with this, recover your masculinity, and move on to the next phase in your life.



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Picture: Getty Images