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As a person of absolutely no color who embodies an intersectional reality that includes my utter lack of genderfluidity and my unemployment-questioning, differently-veteraned, and non-pagan experiences, I am totally oppressed by progressivism’s hegemonic power structure. I am also the victim of a systemic system of hostile paradigms that denies my truth regarding my phallo-possessory identity.

My struggle is real, and my male-identifying genitalia will no longer be silent!

I bear a heavy burden in the form of my pasty, easily-sunburned skin. For too long, the fact that a previous Schlichter was booted out of Stuttgart in 1750 has meant that I have been subject to the hateful discourse of unabashed Fritzophobes. And that’s when society hasn’t stolen my Teutonic legacy outright. You are culturally appropriating my cold, emotionless people’s heritage every time you are punctual and efficient.

The same is true regarding my Scot ancestry. You shamelessly pillage the cultural treasures of the folk of the moors whenever you speak unintelligibly, or refuse to spend freely and without restraint. Enough of your condescending Braveheartism.

My kilt, my choice.

Even in my own home, I am oppressed. I live under a tyrannical framework of Cubano-supremacy. I am constantly reminded of my minority status as the only non-Latino in the family whenever I am prepared to leave on time while everyone else is still getting ready, whenever I am belittled for my love of mayonnaise, and whenever I am forbidden to dance in public.

“Intersectionality” means that I have lots of complaints about various stuff that I am, and I’m just getting started.

For instance, I am seen as enjobbed, in that I have a job and support my family. This hateful label marginalizes me and subjugates me to the stereotyped role of “provider” and “useful member of society.” It cruelly differentiates me from preferred progressive social actors, like “bums” and “welfare cheats.” The progressive paradigm is, after all, based upon compelling non-Democrat bodies to toil to generate tax revenue for the government to give to freeloaders.

My veteranness also makes me a target for othering. My soul roils from the conscious and unconscious prejudice poured upon me every time someone asks me if I was drafted, or if the Army is the one with Marines. Why don’t you just burn a hammer and sickle in front of my quarters, you monsters?

And no, I don’t have PTSD. I’m just really annoyed by you.

I am also victimized for my unpaganhood, and I am constantly pressured to conform and accept weird weather religions and the theological musings of internet hipsters who think the idea of Christian grace is some sort of supernatural point system where you get into heaven for accomplishing a set number of good deeds. I reject these attempts to subjugate me to the dominant discourse, just as I reject the liberal Jesusplaining that seeks to steal my savior and turn him into some sort of socialist hippie, a Bernie Sanders in a robe who thinks the only sin is generating too big of a carbon footprint.

And then there is the systemic hate for my rigidly male monosexual identification and my pronounced pro-chick agenda. Too often those of you who are genderfluid deny the identity of those of us who are gendersolid.

Finally, it is time to reject society’s paradigm of unphallused privilege. This bias results in interlocking systems of domination that produce the conditions under which oppressed peoples like me are forced to live, and usually manifests in me getting called whenever someone needs help lifting something heavy.

Those of us who wield a penis demand that you cease your dehumanizing unmale gaze and validate the manly values that stand firm against your anti-testicular hegemony.

We male-identifying men proudly shout out these radical truths:

Boys don’t cry, and it is lame to shed a tear in public, except on Memorial Day or when a dog dies.

Feelings are stupid, except for patriotism and a love of dogs.

Guns are awesome because they shoot solid lead freedom. Every man should have several guns. And several dogs, because a man with a cat is a woman.

Also, no man should ever listen to Maroon 5. Nor should anyone else. Including dogs.

We will no longer be man-junk marginalized. From this moment forth, my people’s pronouns are “he,” “him” and “if you touch my stuff, I’ll slug you.”

Your hate speech against us, which is defined as anything you say that we don’t like, must be banned, starting on campuses. As fellow social justice warriors have observed, “Free speech, a right many freedom movements have fought for, has recently become a tool appropriated by hegemonic institutions. It has not just empowered students from marginalized backgrounds to voice their qualms and criticize aspects of the institution, but it has given those who seek to perpetuate systems of domination a platform to project their bigotry.”

Right on! I mean, how could normalizing limitations on free speech ever backfire? You social justice warriors surely shouldn’t worry about this kind of thinking being expressed by people who don’t like you and who have a lot of guns.

Our initial non-negotiable demand is for a safe space for all German/Scot-Employed-Judeo/Christian-Veteran-Straight Males-Of Relatively Good Health on every college campus, as well as a Department of German/Scot-Judeo/Christian-Veteran-Straight Males-Of Relatively Good Health Studies to explore the issues regarding, and the terrible social stigma and prejudice faced by, us German/Scot-Judeo/Christian-Veteran-Straight Males-Of Relatively Good Health. We further demand a curriculum that teaches using unique German/Scot-Judeo/Christian-Veteran-Straight Males-Of Relatively Good Health pedagogic strategies, like “reading” and “studying.” It must also educate us about suppressed German/Scot-Judeo/Christian-Veteran-Straight Males-Of Relatively Good Health truths, like about how the Chinese stole the idea for the Great Wall from Deutschland’s autobahns, and how Steve McQueen is a million times cooler than Ryan Reynolds will ever be.

That is our intersectional reality; that is our cry for revolution. We refuse to allow the forces of social injustice to continue to deny our existence, and our suits, clean shaves, and combed hair shall be the transgressive body modifications that demonstrate our alienation from the dominant paradigm.

No longer will we allow our pallor to render us invisible!

No longer will we tolerate being left out of the acronym LGBTQ!

No longer will we be scrotum-shamed!