cryptogon.com news – analysis – conspiracies

June 19th, 2007

Before we get to the Onion, let’s look at a few excerpts from Constant Conflict, a 1997 Parameters (U.S. Army War College) essay that was written by then Major Ralph Peters.

In summary, the U.S. military is aware that “American Culture” is a strategic weapon that is capable of defeating an enemy, or entire populations, without necessarily having to kill them. The U.S. military, however, must and will kill in order to allow “American Culture” into a society in order to repurpose it. Military failures will result from failing to thrust, “that bayonet into an enemy’s heart.”

Let’s look at a few passages from Constant Conflict:

Information destroys traditional jobs and traditional cultures; it seduces, betrays, yet remains invulnerable. How can you counterattack the information others have turned upon you? There is no effective option other than competitive performance. For those individuals and cultures that cannot join or compete with our information empire, there is only inevitable failure (of note, the internet is to the techno-capable disaffected what the United Nations is to marginal states: it offers the illusion of empowerment and community). The attempt of the Iranian mullahs to secede from modernity has failed, although a turbaned corpse still stumbles about the neighborhood. Information, from the internet to rock videos, will not be contained, and fundamentalism cannot control its children. Our victims volunteer. … In this age of television-series franchising, videos, and satellite dishes, this young, embittered male gets his skewed view of us from reruns of Dynasty and Dallas, or from satellite links beaming down Baywatch, sources we dismiss too quickly as laughable and unworthy of serious consideration as factors influencing world affairs. But their effect is destructive beyond the power of words to describe. Hollywood goes where Harvard never penetrated, and the foreigner, unable to touch the reality of America, is touched by America’s irresponsible fantasies of itself; he sees a devilishly enchanting, bluntly sexual, terrifying world from which he is excluded, a world of wealth he can judge only in terms of his own poverty. … Contemporary American culture is the most powerful in history, and the most destructive of competitor cultures. While some other cultures, such as those of East Asia, appear strong enough to survive the onslaught by adaptive behaviors, most are not. The genius, the secret weapon, of American culture is the essence that the elites despise: ours is the first genuine people’s culture. It stresses comfort and convenience–ease–and it generates pleasure for the masses. … Secular and religious revolutionaries in our century have made the identical mistake, imagining that the workers of the world or the faithful just can’t wait to go home at night to study Marx or the Koran. Well, Joe Sixpack, Ivan Tipichni, and Ali Quat would rather “Baywatch.” America has figured it out, and we are brilliant at operationalizing our knowledge, and our cultural power will hinder even those cultures we do not undermine. There is no “peer competitor” in the cultural (or military) department. Our cultural empire has the addicted–men and women everywhere–clamoring for more. And they pay for the privilege of their disillusionment. … There will be no peace. At any given moment for the rest of our lifetimes, there will be multiple conflicts in mutating forms around the globe. Violent conflict will dominate the headlines, but cultural and economic struggles will be steadier and ultimately more decisive. The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault. To those ends, we will do a fair amount of killing. … The bayonet will still be relevant; however, informational superiority incisively employed should both sharpen that bayonet and permit us to defeat some–but never all–of our enemies outside of bayonet range. Our informational advantage over every other country and culture will be so enormous that our greatest battlefield challenge will be harnessing its power. Our potential national weakness will be the failure to maintain the moral and raw physical strength to thrust that bayonet into an enemy’s heart.

Now that we understand the strategic military nature of the “American Culture” bomb, here’s the same lesson (in the form of satire) from the Onion.

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station.

According to cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Sharif, the potentially devastating operation, which involves breaching the station’s reactor core and triggering a meltdown that could rival the Chernobyl disaster, “can wait.”

“We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan,” al-Sharif said. “But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels.”

“Probably,” added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack.

Though the members of the cell said that they “live only to spill the blood of crusaders who oppress Muslims,” they cited additional reasons for the delay, including an unexpired free Netflix trial and nagging lower-back pain.

“I think I’m entitled to a little time to fully enjoy the in-dash MP3 adapter and heads-up display that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to provide me with,” munitions expert Mohammed Akram said of the 2006 Mercury Mariner that is intended to be used as a car bomb during the attack. “Also, I have nine months left on the lease. But after that, I am more than willing to load it with explosives and go to my glory in its all-leather interior and heated seats.”

Cell member Sayyid al-Tantawi, a Cairo-born former physics professor who was able to obtain employment at San Onofre as a reactor technician, once routinely worked 18-hour days so he could secretly obtain security codes and detailed schematics of the facility. But since his promotion to senior project manager last November, al-Tantawi has grown accustomed to perks such as higher pay, mandatory vacation time, delegation of responsibilities, and long lunches with other managers.

“Don’t get me wrong, I totally wish swift and painful death to all American pigs, especially that jerk [general manager] Dave [Landis],” al-Tantawi said. “But I’m no longer the new guyâ€”why bust my ass all day long anymore? When I get home after a day at work, I don’t savor staying up all night designing dirty-bomb triggering mechanisms like I did when I first got here. Sometimes I just want to pop in a CD by that soulful infidel Chris Daughtry and relax.”

Al-Tantawi added that due to the sedentary nature of his job, he would have to “lose a few pounds, Allah willing” before being able to fulfill his most challenging task: infiltrating the reactor’s spent fuel storage area and draining its coolant, thereby triggering a fire and releasing radioactive material.

Indeed, general preparedness appears to be the cell’s greatest stumbling block.

“Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew,” said Adib Dhakwan, the cell’s second-in-command. “Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn’t open until six, and I don’t know about you, but if I don’t have that first cup of coffee, forget it.”

Despite the terrorists’ successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the “San Clemente Six” since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell’s status was recently downgraded to “low risk,” due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month’s online purchase of a hammock.

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