A “costume” party attended by Queen’s University undergrads sparked heated conversation after it emerged that mostly-white party-goers had showed up on Saturday wearing ethno-cultural attire from various parts of the world.

It was an equal-opportunity shocker.

There were men dressed like Arabs and women holding glasses of beer dressed as Buddhist monks. There were men dressed as Viet Cong guerillas and, get this, women as Chinese takeout. There were Mexicans with sombreros and there were Rastafarians.

Toronto comedian Celeste Yim shared the photos on Twitter and called it “shockingly racist” saying the photos “make me feel sick to my stomach.”

Cue support and outrage.

Discussions on costumes and cultural appropriation are like scratching an itch. In the battle between ‘We meant no harm’ offenders and ‘how could you’ victims, everyone takes their entrenched positions, and the arguments follow a well-beaten path to nowhere.

Yim did the right thing to expose the offense, but at a time when xenophobia and racism are on the rise in Europe and now in the U.S., Canadians need to change the tone of the conversations around such incidents.

As countries around us get more polarized, it’s up to us to break out of our comfortable cocoons and strive to have common conversations.

First, keep perspective. The ‘Alt-right’ – white supremacists in a digital age – are on the rise. Relative to the sinister rhetoric emerging there, a group of ignorant undergrads are just that. Dumb, insensitive too, but not necessarily ominous.

Second, what is the goal of the conversation? A dose of public shaming is unlikely to result in contrition or behaviour change.

Nine years ago, my first pregnancy became a Halloween prop when I showed up dressed as a nun. I’m not religious, and I found the irreverence funny as did everyone around me.

I’m unlikely to do that again. Not because I feel offended but because I know someone out there does.

Had I been publicly castigated for my actions, though, I might have been more inclined to dig in my heels and not come to this conclusion.

A verbal pounding is unlikely to win allies. Instead, the offenders are likely to see themselves as victims and the cycle of anger continues.

Third, some people in our society have the option of never looking at the world through a racialized lens. Race is simply not a factor when nobody looks at you and downgrades your worth based on your skin colour or ethnicity.

Is it the burden, therefore, of those offended, to appease, to explain and to forgive? It should not be, but it often is. In this case, I hope Queen’s University administrators go beyond mouthing the usual equality platitudes and attempt to reconcile the parties involved. Based on their statements, their first instinct has been self-preservation. The party happened off-campus, they’re at pains to point out.

“If we determine that this was a Queen’s sponsored or sanctioned event, we will take appropriate action,” Queen’s principal Daniel Woolf said.

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The IF is irrelevant. The students are in your care. Educate them.

In the spirit of rapprochment, a note to cultural offenders: Stop. When someone tells you they are offended by something you’re doing, that’s a good hint to just stop what you are doing. Try to understand why they may be offended.

Imagine if someone slapped you over and over again, and then said they didn’t mean any harm by it, and that perhaps you were just over-sensitive.

Then apologize – when you mean it.

One of Yim’s tweets echoed a sentiment many people of colour share: “It is not my responsibility to teach white people about known facts.”

It’s true. But there are enough people out there who simply don’t get it. For them, here are a few reasons why dressing up in ethnic clothes is offensive and high-handed:

1. It’s done without consent or input of the people whose clothes you’re wearing. When done correctly, such as when Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, wears clothes of the local culture on her travels, the context makes it a sign of respect.

2. Ethnic clothes are just that – clothes. They are no more ‘costumes’ than the clothes you wear every day.

3. Garments are symbolic. The Buddhist monks’ robes symbolize simplicity and austerity. To be seen wearing them and drunkenly waving beer glasses is sacrilegious to some, and hurtful.

4. A “countries” theme party attended by mostly white students is tone deaf to history. An event by a dominant group with a history of oppression comes across as, at best, patronizing, but mostly as a mockery of another’s cultural identity.

Shree Paradkar tackles issues of race and gender. You can follow her @shreeparadkar