According to reports out of Nova Scotia, Sidney Crosby isn’t dealing well with his team’s early exit from the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Neighbors and other witnesses say the Pittsburgh Penguin captain has already had several run-ins with the law, and some are upset by the preferential treatment being shown to the NHL superstar.

“I saw him chucking beer bottles at loons,” said one man who spoke to The Lazy News on the condition of anonymity. “He was out there chasing them around the lake on his jet ski, just flinging bottles of Keith’s like they aren’t almost two dollars each. And the worst part was that he kept friggin’ missing — even from point blank. I tried to call the police, but they just kept asking me how many Hart trophies I got.”

Crosby was also reportedly involved in a single car collision on Highway 102. Witnesses say that a black Ferrari slammed on its breaks and crashed into the ditch, and then Crosby, with the help of local RCMP, spent the next hour hitting golf balls at an eagle’s nest.

“Got damn close, too,” said Constable James Layhee, speaking to The Lazy News from the Enfield RCMP detachment. “You should’ve seen it. We had to bring in every available unit just to keep traffic moving. It was definitely the best day of my career, though. He even let me keep the driver. Just a true class act.” When asked about the possibility of charges: “Are you kidding me? Have you ever heard of the Golden Goal?”

According to Crosby’s neighbors, the band, Great Big Sea, as well as local rapper, Classified, have each been alternating sets nonstop for the last week, with Crosby reportedly threatening to have them “Shipped to Magnitogorsk” if they try to leave before training camp starts in September.

Witnesses also say Crosby is suffering from violent mood swings, flying into a rage whenever somebody mentions a player or team still competing for the Stanley Cup. Crosby’s public relations team denies all reports, but The Lazy News has obtained a picture that tells a different story.

When we contacted RCMP headquarters in Ottawa for a statement concerning the conduct of their officers, their spokesperson had this to say: “When you win three Stanley Cups, you’ll get the same treatment as well. Do you even watch hockey? The guy has won everything. No officer worth their weight in pucks is ever going to arrest someone like Crosby. That guy could shit on my squad car and I’d apologize for parking under his ass.”