Washington D.C.—

According to sources close to Vice President Mike Pence, the VP is beginning to have doubts about President Donald Trump’s commitment to his wife Melania Trump.

“Mike’s been having a rough couple months,” explained a staffer for Mr. Pence’s VP office, who requested anonymity to discuss his boss’s private feelings. “He’s all about monogamy, and—I promise this is true—he has sworn to God that he has only had sex three times in his entire life, which resulted in the three children he has. He even swore it was true on a Bible, and the guy wouldn’t lie with his hand on a Bible, just saying. The guy believes sex for pleasure is sin, and he means it. So, needless to say, these accusations of rampant sexual misbehavior on the part of Donald Trump have shaken the guy to his core.”

Other staffers corroborated Mr. Pence’s melancholic doubts about Trump’s marital commitment.

“Trump has of course lied to Mike about the hookers and affairs because he knows how important monogamy is to him, but, let’s be honest, the cat is kind of out of the bag,” explained a VP office aide. “I mean, Trump isn’t even denying the plethora of sexual assault accusations, the sex-for-pay deals, and the nondisclosure agreements in unhinged, misspelled and poorly composed rants on Twitter, which is pretty much the most damning proof that all of this is true there can be. But you can tell the endless media saturation of all things Stormy Daniels has given Mike some doubts, cause for the last couple weeks every time Mike shakes Trump’s hands he immediately goes to the bathroom to wash them for like five minutes. But to Mike’s credit, he feels really bad for Melania. Mike has started a routine where every Friday he buys Melania a bouquet of flowers and signs Donald’s name on the card. It’s really sweet, but Donald makes fun of him for doing it. Donald thinks it’s hilarious that Mike respects his wife or women in general. Mike has very specifically ordered his staff to never let his daughters anywhere near Donald Trump on account of how creepily Donald treats his own daughters.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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