I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Hot Pockets, popular manufacturer of cheesy sandwich tube monstrosities, has announced that at E3 this year, they will be hosting a special E3-themed series of snaps from their newly-launched Snapchat account. From the account, HotPocketsBrand, viewers can follow the exploits of Max Melter, a commando in a gritty cyberpunk world, whose powerful MicroGlove can shoot microwaves. Whether this means it shoots the actual stuff a microwave generates is not made clear, but personally I dearly and fervently hope that the glove shoots actual, entire microwaves from this poor man’s hand. Max himself will be wandering the show floor, lost in a land of regret and stomach pain, and can be identified by the Snapcode on the back of his shirt.

Knowing that E3 is a hive of misery, Hot Pockets has also announced their plans to bring their own special form of piping hot, grease-laden ham-and-cheese armageddon to the show this year. An official Hot Pockets food truck will be gracing E3, leaving a trail of oil and diabetes in its wake. The truck will be offering free samples of the newest products under the Hot Pockets war banner, including their Snack Bites and Breakfast Bites products. Here are the times you can expect to see the truck looming as you approach E3, so you may plan your day carefully around having to run, desperate to save your mortal soul, from a Mazda full of mozzarella.

Location: Outside the OF4 space on Gilbert Lindsay Drive at Elbow Area Tuesday, June 16 from 12:00 pm – 6:00 pm Wednesday, June 17 from 10:00 am – 6:00 pm Thursday, June 18 from 10:00 am – 5:00 pm

HUNT, YE GAMERS, FOR MAX MELTER. THOU SHALT KNOW HIM BY THE COAT OF SNAPS BRANDED INTO HIS FLESH. And if you get hungry along the way and have completely given up, head on over to the Hot Pockets food truck, and find out what it’s like to eat an entire day’s worth of calories in a single bite!