First Deregulated Bridge Set to Open

The first of its kind in the modern architectural era, a bridge built completely free of any governmental regulation opened to vehicle and pedestrian traffic in West Virginia today.

Spanning the previously impassable Tecumseh Valley Gorge in a dizzying 3 weeks after the repeal of several federal regulations that had been slowing its construction, the 422 foot long combination steel-wood suspension-truss bridge will connect an estimated 1 million vehicles per year from Morgantown to Lewisburg.

Remarked Kevin Munson of A-1 Landscaping, one of the contractors who worked on the bridge: "A lot of people said we couldn't build this bridge. Or that we shouldn't. Or that we should build it a certain way, or else. Well, we built it our way, and now, there's a bridge."

Put up in record time, the structure was completed under budget using an all American work force, Lewisburg Mayor Dan Calhoun boasted.

"It's a marvel. A testament to what American labor can accomplish when liberated from the constraints of stifling bureaucracy," he said. "Personally, my current commute is still faster, so I won't be using the bridge, but I encourage all my fellow West Virginians to do so."

As of press time two hours after its opening, three squirrels had crossed the new bridge while it's first human pedestrian was reportedly prodding at it with a stick.