So I have to apologize, I know this is coming in late, but I just started a new job this week and als-

Damn, bitch, ok let’s get to our weekly edition of questionable commentary.

Format: If there’s anything that helped the stoke the fire of this season’s queens being all look and no talent, it was this challenge. Even though, let’s be honest, looking at the lines they had to deliver which were chalk full of last season’s catchphrases, which for the most part have gone oh-so stale, and also, having it framed as a Shakespeare challenge, which is still as wildly popular as ever and not the bane of every high-schoolers existence, it felt like the queens were being setup to fail. Although, admittedly, Max did perform it well so it begs the question of what could have been had there been more queens with theater training.

Anyway, let’s talk about some queens:

This week Mrs. Kasha Davis, and Ginger Minj are safe from my nonsense.

Jaidynn Diore Fierce– Delicious.

I have to say that Jaidynn is a bit of a let-down so far because her performances each episode appears to be getting a bit formulaic: She’s vaguely sassy in her interviews without any real punchlines, she has trouble with the challenge, comes down the runway in a leotard with shoulder pads, and then she’s told she’s safe. Oh and fill any dead air with a tongue pop (of which are getting real passé real quick).

Which is not to say that I don’t think she’s capable of better, I really do, but I’d hoped she’d be more of a standout even this early on.

Jasmine Masters and Kennedy Davenport– What the fuck kind of skin could Jasmine have that she’s making all these claims about how if she puts on a beard she’s gonna need $100,000 to fix her skin or that it would send her to the hospital or that it would inadvertently slaughter orphans? What kind of skin does the bitch have? Saran Wrap?

Anyway, I’m talking about Kennedy and Jasmine together because they go hand-in-hand considering it was their codependence that brought them to the ruin they’re in now. You want to talk about not having a leg to stand on, it’s these two and they had four between the two of them. Because how do you fuck up the valid concern that this season’s younger queens may not have enough experience?

First, go from zero to vicious shit-talking the younger queens by episode 2 and for episode 3 keep a constant air of unprovoked hostility. Second, do yourself a favor by showing that you have limited experience by going against a really obvious suggestion for the seemingly sole reason of spiting the younger queen saying it. Third, be the two worst at fulfilling the runway theme either by modeling yourself as the cake in American Wedding or asking Kandy to contour your face.

Concerning Jasmine leaving, I think it’s unlike Gia’s too-soon leaving in that Jasmine had nowhere else to go with all of her anger. All her negativity this episode was just a repeat of the last and I think it would’ve just been a repeat of her explaining the concept of a cocoon but instead this would be a cocoon that hatches a butterfly made of bullshit.

Kandy Ho– This past episode Kandy’s slipped into the background a bit considering right now the main focus of the season seems to be the rivalry between this year’s Heathers vs. Jasmine and the Pussycats. However, one thing that didn’t slip my notice:

Of all the looks Kandy could have stolen from April, this had to be the one?

Katya– I don’t have anything to say about Katya in the episode considering she got maybe two minutes worth of screen time this episode, but past that, I am so thrilled with Katya’s loose lips because I have been waiting seasons for a queen who will literally break down the behind the scenes gossip episode by episode (although Willam’s done a pretty solid job of that in the past). I mean not only does she have a regular vlog series dedicated to that [Here], but her Tumblr is just full of delicious tidbits such as [this one] where she details the behind the scenes of Ru’s Tyrant this episode. May the producers never put the gag on this tea spillery.

Max- Was anyone else feeling like Max’s look was giving us some David Lochary in Female Trouble realness? It just felt like she really injected some beauty into this episode’s runway.

One fact about Max that I’m sad was only given a passing reference is that Trixie and Max apparently went to the same school? Which is a bummer because I’m just dying for the full account of Trixie, the popular drag queen, and Max, the shy, artistic queen who’s kind of a misfit, as their paths serendipitously cross. From there, Trixie helps pull Max out of her shell, removing her ponytail and mousy glasses to reveal a sex pot, and a romance grows, only to be ruined by Trixie’s betrayal as it’s revealed that she was in fact acting on a dare to get Max to go to prom with her.

Ah, timeless.

Oh goddamit, Fame, we’ll get to you in a second. Anyway, it’s good to see Max finally coming out of her shell so we can have a personality type this season besides kinda cunty.

Miss Fame– The one time she doesn’t have anything to say.

I do have to note my surprise in how tamely she responded to Kennedy’s obviously rude comment that Miss Fame talks too much, and just in general how she hasn’t really gotten significantly bitchy in response to the mountain of shade that’s been thrown at her so far.

Also, I think the producers failed in not showing her interview response to people saying she talks too much, but Untucked is only twenty minutes so we’d likely have only gotten through her opening paragraph and thesis in that time.

Pearl- Well, unless it’s Latrice Royale as Large Marge which falls under the Relevant to Storyline exemption.

Oh and thanks to my dear Tumblr, isleptwithallyourmothers for [this comparison] that I can’t unsee.

Trixie Mattel– The greatest, most polarizing love story ever told. Are you Team Fame or Team Producer Guy?

Oh and I guess she has like a boyfriend besides that or whatever.

Also, they’d better followup on the nerdy producer storyline. Don’t just tease me with this thread, Untucked! Also, people of Reddit, I expect you to have already unearthed his name and nudes by now; don’t disappoint me.

Also, *Potential spoiler alert*:

Foreshadowing much?

For anyone not in the know, the big rumor right now is that Trixie is gone within the next two episodes, which would clearly be too fucking early, but if Trixie really is as Christ-like as we all feel in our hearts then maybe elimination won’t be the end? Perhaps on the third day Trixie will rise again and everyone will question if it’s really her or not, but luckily, Fame will put her finger in Trixie’s hole to verify her as the definite article. This blasphemy is brought you by my Catholic upbringing.

Violet Chachki– Seriously, gurl, watch one Spice Girls TV special and you’ll know that’s one thing to definitely not expect.

And that’s all for this week, join me next week as the queens compete in a song parody challenge [Ten minute preview here]! Watch eagerly as Max meets tries to tread the Ellen Degeneres line of being funny without being vulgar or crude! Delight as Kandy Ho almost gets out a full sentence before she’s unceremoniously cut off! And most importantly, watch with wonder as Miss Fame and Pearl’s tension rise to up to the point where they’re left with no choice but to do the fashion queen equivalent of voguing: Blending! Which is the time-honored fashion queen duel where the queens vigorously powder their own faces in each other’s personal space without touching each other.

Won’t that be fascinating? Anyway, see you all next week!