Let’s be honest: Despite being the most pleasurable experience on earth, sex is almost always a terrible mistake. But occasionally, a sexual encounter may turn out to be a positive experience. Here are the only five times in your life that you’ll have sex and walk away from it emotionally intact:

The time you’re good-drunk!

You know the feeling! You’re all tingly and giddy and slurring things like, “Tonight is just so good in the best way!” Good-drunk sex involves a lot of kissing in the hallway, ripping your partners’ clothes off, and tossing them about the room like in a sitcom. This once-in-a-blue-moon event will make you totally forget about all the hundreds of other times sex made you say, “Really? That’s it?”

The time where it’s over so fast, you can get right back to House of Cards!

If a man truly loves you, he won’t tear you away from Frank and Claire for more than a minute or two. If he can make you the Meechum to his Underwoods before you forget all the twists and turns from the episode you’re half-done with, you’ll be able to block out last time, when you were way too aware of what your genitalia were actually doing.

The time in a hot air balloon!

When this moment comes, you’ll know. Mostly because there will be a big rainbow-colored flying apparatus that looks like it was made up in a child’s fever dream. Do not let this opportunity escape you. The mile-high club is exponentially more thrilling with all those birds watching – not to mention the balloon pilot! This encounter will totally erase the time you took the train deep into Queens and he was already asleep.

Sex with someone who treats you well.

It’s nearly impossible, but if you find it, you’ll have it exactly once. At first you might not think sex with someone who’s interested in you and wants to make you feel good would be better than sex with that guy who texted you back once, but it totally is!

???

…Sorry; there are actually only four times sex won’t be a mistake.

Other than these five, sorry four, occasions, you’ll be fine just sticking to masturbation and snacks. No one has ever been disappointed by masturbation and snacks. Good luck!