All of this talk about the ilClan. You know, we might just be messing with you. The damn thing has been promised for years after all. Wouldn’t it be pisser if we just didn’t do it?

Anyway, as usual, I wanted to do something for April Fool’s Day again. Last year I did BattleTech Products that never reached the market. Before that I did Operation Freakin’ Awesomeness. Before all of this, I explored storylines we didn’t purse.

Operation Total Freaking Awesomeness

BattleTech Products That Never Came to Market

Rejected BattleTech Storylines

And this year I also released a bonus “musical” April Fool’s bit… Blood on the Canopy

I figured, why not release the proposed outline for the ilClan Sourcebook? My first draft was whacked, but it was Ray that said, “You haven’t gone far enough.” As it turns out, you really shouldn’t give me a loaded gun like that.

ILCLAN SOURCEBOOK OUTLINE (HELFERS LEVEL SECURITY REQUIRED)

TABLE OF CONTENTS – the key concept here is to spread the blame around as much as possible. Name dead people if that is what it takes. Include some fake names, especially as playtesters for the new ‘Mechs. We really haven’t had time to “validate” the stats or continuity.

INTRO FICTION (6k words)

Devlin Stone’s initial plan (Operation LANCE BOIL) for dealing with the ilClan is to use some long-captured Word of Blake tech that will blow up Terra. His thinking here is, “If there is no Terra for the Clans to set foot on, no one can be named as the ilClan.” The idea has a lot of merit, except for the loss of the cradle of mankind and billions of lost lives. Stone abandons this plan, after much debate, for dubious reasons, “I keep all of my stuff on Terra. Blowing it up would take out my miniature collection.” Note: This is totally plausible with our fan base, but not their spouses. This forces him to seek out new allies in order to stop the horrific and long-overdue Clan onslaught. (Operation WE ARE SO FU*KING SCREWED)

Devlin Stone’s secret mission to Clan Wolverine (Periphery world location – see Pardoe’s document on the fate of the Wolverines – section on “The Resurgent”) The risks of Clans Wolf or Jade Falcon taking Terra are too great for Stone. He proposes an evil alliance (cue the music when the Legion of Doom used to appear on Super Friends). The Wolverines come to Terra, joining the Fidelis/Smoke Jaguars there, and can proclaim themselves the ilClan(s). When the Wolves or Jade Falcons arrive, the combined RAF/Fidelis/Wolverine force will wipe them out, or so Stone hopes. The Wolverines want Clan blood in revenge and quickly agree. The stage is set for something cool or at the very least, utterly confusing.

The General of the Armies that Stone has tucked away is a clone of Victor Steiner-Davion. Victor 2.0, named Hannibal, is like Victor Steiner-Davion, but brutal, vicious, a tad kinky, suffering from male pattern baldness, erectile dysfunction, and incontinence. There may be a hint of the Master’s DNA in him – because we all know the fan base loves the Jihad. We won’t be doing the big reveal as to his identity just yet. He is still short though, which will be the hint for the readers. Hannibal is looking forward to crushing the Clans and getting himself a studded dog collar.

Stone has also cloned his sister, Katherine, as Stone’s personal consort. Think Princess Leia in the slave outfit, but Katherine Steiner Davion – so most fans will loathe her. Her name is Katie and is utterly devoted to Stone, but willing to sleep with Hannibal behind Stone’s back! Ohh, intrigue! Ohh, incest. Ew… Outside of House Liao, we have never really played much with incest. Given the popularity of Game of Thrones, the powers that be think incest is a winner (per John Helfers).

SECTION – THE STORM BREAKS (3.5k words)

Operation BUTT-SCRATCHER opens with Jade Falcon operatives on Terra taking down Fortress Republic. As it turns out, there is a big switch in Geneva marked (On/Off) and all you have to do is toss it. Stone considers this “hidden in plain sight.”

The Jade Falcons engage in a massive naval battle in the Sol system and commence landing after a batchall with Stone. Imagine Malvina’s face when she learns that the Wolverines are back! Talk about getting your thong twisted! This section ends when the first Wolverine and Republic units hand the Jade Falcons a stunning defeat at the Battle of Berlin. (Artist Notes: Use image of Russian’s raising flag over the Reichstag with the flag of Republic of the Sphere.)

Sidebars: Wolverine’s Bioregenerative Armor, GenWeps, Quantum Disruptors, Mjolnir Gauss Hammer Projectors, Sonic Shredders, and Ultra-Elementals, and Wave Motion Guns and Cannons, Thor and Odin orbital spikes.

SECTION – THE BATTLE FOR NORTH AFRICA (2.8k words

Clan Jade Falcon is bogged down in North Africa, staggered by the revelation that the Republic is allied with Clan Wolverine and arguments about what colors to use to paint their BattleMechs that will camouflage them best in the desert. This allows us to explore the exciting world of camouflaging three story fast running war machines all over again. I personally think the fans embrace this.

The Republic forces suffer a staggering loss in Tunisia. The Fidelis wipe out the Falcon’s Green Arrow ™ Galaxy in Palestine. Malvina unleashed tactical nukes ‘cause she can.

Sidebars: Africa Burns – Summary of Falcon’s nuke strikes, losses, etc. Here we paint Malvina is a positive light – after all, it’s the freaking Wolverines she is slaughtering!

SECTION – LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD – WOLVES AT THE DOOR (3.341 words)

Alaric discovers that Fortress Republic has fallen and arrives in Terra to find the Jade Falcons Turkey Baster Galaxy trapped in Africa fighting the greatest foe of the Clans, the Wolverines. saKhan Garner Kerensky sets off for the Ghost Bears Dominion while Alaric lands to relieve Malvina (Operation BLIND SQUIRREL). Yes, the Wolves are saving the Jade Falcons. The fans will never see this coming! Hannibal plows into the Wolves with Stone’s Gallstones, wrecking havoc and making them run like a bunch of little wussies.

Anastasia goes to find the Wolves Dragoons to bring them in to help defeat the Republic.

Sidebars: Alaric’s Big Gamble – Choosing Your Friends Carefully. Intel report, new Battlearmor spotting in the field and why that is bad for you!

SECTION – BREAKOUT (3.5k words)

The combined Wolf/Falcon forces drive into Europe and Malvina nukes Geneva. The Northwind Highlanders arrive in defense of the Republic, forcing Alaric to retreat into Russia. Tara Campbell faces Malvina in battle and kills her. Note: We get a great scene of Tara playing the bagpipes with one foot on the blasted and bloated corpse of Malvina Hazen. Yes, it will piss off the Jade Falcon fans, but Malvina was never as warm and cuddly as we made her out in the fiction.

Khan Randi Franklin of the Wolverines is mortally wounded, turning leadership of the Wolverines to saKhan Ralf Hallis.

Sidebars: Profile of Randi Franklin. Per Ray’s notes, Randi is to have a heart for the dot over the letter i, it is some sort of cute trademark of hers. Make sure layout is aware of this. Also, we need a large fictional piece on the death of Malvina Hazen. There will be a hint that her BattleMech has been sabotaged in some way prior to the fight. It is a lot like Clue ™ in terms of who may have wanted to kill her. “I have Trillian Steiner, with the candlestick, in the bunker…”

SECTION – THE DRAGOON BETRAYAL (Reference Pardoe’s Wolves Dragoons novella for details) (4k words)

Anastasia’s attempts to lure in Wolf’s Dragoons take a bit of a twisted turn. She barely escapes alive as the Dragoons jump into the Wolf Empire, already secretly under contract with the Republic. Alaric’s empire is being consumed while he is on Terra.

Sidebars: New Dragoons General reveal…Jamie Wolf’s Clone – fused with his memories which the Dragoons have preserved. A resurgent House Marik forces link up with the Dragoons in the former Wolf Empire. The Marik’s have secured their position of power through a series of killings that make the Godfather Part II seem like a documentary on how pencils are made. They whip out 24 new ‘Mechs and vehicles, conveniently just enough to fill a new TRO. It’s so cool when stuff like that works out, isn’t it?

Sidebars: House Marik’s Sudden Rise to Prominence. Finding that cache of long lost Wobbie-tech sure paid off. See Randall’s notes on The Hidden Enemy – The WOB and What The Fuck They Are Up To Now.

SECTION – ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (2k words)

The Fidelis turn on everyone…payback on the Clans and the Republic and anyone else that screwed them over in the past (which is, well everyone). It isn’t their brightest moment as they are wiped out, mostly at the hands of the Republic Armed Forces and the Jade Falcons who oddly find themselves, for a moment, fighting the same enemy. Imagine their surprise?

The Fidelis survivors mount an exodus off of Terra with promises to return in a century and give everyone in the Inner Sphere an atomic wedgie, aka a Trial of Crack-Thrustus.

Sidebars: Where is the Fidelis Custos, Paul Moon? He disappeared just before the end of his people. Rumors include Word of Blake smuggling him off of Terra. Malvina’s Ghost – a MechWarrior sees her hovering over the battlefield, then survives an assault that should have killed a dozen men. The legend of Malvina’s Ghost spreads and will be a cult in a new era. Warriors that see her visage are granted survival against all odds. Oddly enough, a lot of ex-Blakists line up for this cult (those whack-jobs would follow any stupid vision.)

SECTION – THE CONFLAGRATION (2.9k words)

In Asia, the Republic releases its Super-Heavy Tanks, code-named Dinos. These are the size of city blocks, slow moving, but massively armored and armed. They are surrounded by new drones, ED-209’s. The Clans counter these with their new Wave Motion mounted weapons and hack the ED-209’s, turning them on each other and the Dinos.

The Republic’s new transmorphable Land-Air-and-Sea ‘Mechs lead a seaborne assault on the Philippines, despite the fact that it is defended by only a rouge cluster of Solhama, each oddly wearing a right eye patch (Unit: Wolf’s Mange Cluster). They achieve an early victory as the Clan commanders laugh uncontrollably at the sight of these new war machines and are gunned down while doubled over in hilarity. Once they rally the Republic forces convert into Prius’s and conceal themselves in a used car lot in Manila, opting to wage a largely unsuccessful by humorous guerilla war from there.

Speaking of gorillas, Hannibal unleashes squads of up-armored gorilla troops with mind-control helmets on the Clan Elemental forces. These “Grodds” proved to be effectively hilarious once the Jade Falcons learned how to jam their command signals and they began firing at any indiscriminate targets. This battle takes place in Vatican City because it is one of the few places we have never fought a battle and Brent believes that the Vatican Map Set is going to be a big seller with the kids.

Alaric is killed in Asia by an UltraElemental Star painted as the Green Bay Packers, but not enough for us to get sued – if you catch my drift. The Wolves are leaderless! Anastasia arrives just in time to save them from a complete rout. The Jade Falcons wipe out a lot of Republic troops and land in North America under their new Khan Bob Hazen. Sidebars: See the novel, XXX XX XXX XXXX XXXXXX Chapter 18 for death of Alaric. Do the fiction/Sidebars from the UltraElemental’s perspective, after-action report. Remember, these are essentially giants, so let’s get into stuff like their eating and hygene habits – the fans will love it! Separate Sidebars: Did Alaric really die? No body is been found. Reports are he may yet live… One account has him dressing in drag to get off-world on a transport heading to the Periphery. Other major Sidebars: Bob Hazen Profile from the Wolf Watch (make sure we mention his struggles with IBS – that figures in a novel coming next year – Bowels of Honor!)

SECTION – ROARING BEARS – FLAMING JUNGLES (4k words)

The Ghost Bears jump into the Sol System (Operation TWIST AND SHOUT) and immediately the Fortress Republic (now weaponized) technology is turned on their ships as they materialize in-system. Warships go boom! Only a handful of Ghost Bears survive as their dropships are popped like balloons – revenge by the Wolverines who have a bit of a hard-on for the Ghost Bears after all of these centuries. Garner Kerensky lands with the Ghost Bears and is in fighting in Brazil. He is seen with no shirt, Putin-Style, going all medieval on the Wolverine’s collective asses.

A Galaxy of Ghost Bears (The Care Bear ™ Legionnaires) land in South America and face a surprise by Stone – ComGuard units! These ComStar units were preserved by the Republic and are fresh against the Ghost Bear survivors. These units employ new Inner Sphere technology that rip into the hides of the Ghost Bears and devastate their ranks. saKhan Wanker Bekker is killed by multiple death from above attacks by the ComGuards quasi elite ATT Customer Service Division. (Yes, we have new rules to cover this situation.) The Care Bears get in one devastating assault, taking out the ComGuard General Xander Davion-Kell (Julian Davion’s long lost love child with Calamity Kell) sending the Guards falling back. There may yet be hope for da’ Bears…

Sidebars: Using the Republic Technology as Weapons. What happened to Garner Kerensky Part II? Hiding ComStar in Plain Sight.

SECTION – FALL OF THE REPUBLIC (4.5k words)

The last Republic forces are crushed by the Jade Falcons. Stone’s Leghumper Legion slam into them, filled with rage and fury at the loss of Republic that has protected them for so long, taking down the last of Clan Jade Falcon. Clan Wolf retreats to India, devastated and pursued by the Clan Wolverine forces. Using Terra’s massive call center complexes for cover, the Wolves seem to be getting away.

The Northwind Highlanders (Your wife’s lipstick battalion) join ComStar in South America, further savaging the Ghost Bears uber-elite Snuggles Brigade just because we want to see kilted BattleMechs take on the Ghost Bears. Note from Brent: Iron Wind is producing eight different tiny tartan kilts for sale this year so that players can put them on their favorite ‘Mechs…sure to be hot item.

Jamie Wolf v3.0 rules the Wolf Empire, establishing a chain of burger franchises, Dragoon Fries and Shakes. He also makes a killing selling Dragoon action figures. He emerges as one of the more sane leaders in the Inner Sphere in this new era.

Meanwhile in the Federated Suns (Phil to write. Summary: The Combine and Confederation forces pinch House Davion down to a dozen worlds. Julian Davion is rumored to have gone insane from the losses. The Federated Suns is no longer considered a viable House. The worlds are clogged with FedSun refugees. The Cappies and Dracs can each claim a complete victory. They don’t conquer the survivors because there is nothing left to fight and no one wants to deal with the refugee issue.

Stone’s newly formed Knights of the Republic Sentinel Defenders of the Realm (rolls off the tongue don’t you think?) is made up of all of the Knights and Paladins, led by Levin and Redburn, surge into battle against the Clan Wolf forces but are pummeled badly (since most of them are antiques) giving Clan Wolf one moment in the sun with a victory.

Debauchery Kell (Calamity’s illegitimate twin brother) attacks the Green Lantern Corps Galaxy of the Jade Falcons. When pressed in battle he uses his Phantom Kell skill to summon the ghost of Morgan Kell. Morgan’s ghost destroys the attacking ‘Mech, saving Debauchery’s life, then goes off for years to meditate.

Sidebars: The Kell Hounds and Wolves in Exile eliminate the Jade Falcon Occupation Zone. (Phil to provide map) The Lyran Commonwealth is saved (Brent made us do it.) This should be a double-sized Sidebars given its importance. Phantom Kell Skill stats for the RPG (see Phil’s notes, it was his idea)

SECTION – ROAR OF DOOM (4.001k words)

The Wolves are surrounded and only a handful of them, led by Anastasia Kerensky, manage to escape alive. The Ghost Bears are wiped out as well, but the cost was every last one of the ComStar troops. No one sheds a bloody damn tear. Hannibal emerges from the fight with the bodies of his victims chained to his BattleMech, their blood streaking his paint. Like I said, he’s a tad vicious.

Sidebars: Where are the Wolf survivors? Hell’s Horses attack the Ghost Bear Dominion, finding it mostly abandoned – as does the Combine. Note: What emerges is that the most powerful forces in the Inner Sphere is the Draconis Combine and the Capellan Confederation. Anastasia Kerensky – Some People Just Fucking Refuse to Die.

SECTION – ilClan!! (3.3k words)

While Devlin Stone is prepared to declare victory, he is betrayed by Clan Wolverine, who proclaims itself the ilClan. Stone refuses to acknowledge this claiming the victory as one for the Republic. He faces saKhan Ralf Hallis in a Circle of Equals only to be defeated by the Wolverines. (Brent says we have artwork for this already.) Stone does live and will go on to lead the Republic (well, what is left of it.) Note: It is during the fiction tied to this that we learn that Stone has an entire cybernetic body, courtesy of recovered Word of Blake technology. This means he can potentially live forever (because the fans absolutely love his character and the depth we have provided as to his backstory.)

Clan Wolverine REALLY wants the ilClanship. This is critical because no one has seen this coming (except that bastard blogger MechLivesMatter who posted his predictions a year ago, I hate that guy.) The Republic still stands – but not on Terra, but what is left of Prefecture X, led by bionic Stone (who we will have slowly go insane.) The Wolverines begin to rebuild to take the war to remaining Inner Sphere Clans in the new era – The Wars of Horrific Retribution and Gloom (first sourcebook due fall of 2019).

Sidebars: Profile of Ralf (Ralfy to his friends) Hallis – ilKhan. (Recommend using artwork that mirrors Ralphy from A Christmas Story) Devlin Stone – Bionic Warrior-god. Rumor: Arthur Davion – is he still a thing or are we over that?

IMPORTANT NOTES TO SOURCEBOOK WRITERS – FUTURE DIRECTION:

Alaric will resurface in the Lyran Commonwealth where he will become Archon and marry Anastasia Kerensky. Their love children will be important characters in the next era.

Hannibal will reemerge with an eye patch over his right eye two years from now leading a rag tag fleet of survivors in the last BattleStar into the Periphery. (Reminder: Brent is going to have 2000 eye patches made up for GenCon 2020 – Dubbed “The Year of the Eye-Patch!”

House Marik will surprise everyone by being the most stable government in the Inner Sphere. We know this is a bit predictable, but they are equipped with a WOB-tech droid army which basically is autonomous BattleMechs. We did this because only good positive things come from self-aware androids in science fiction.

We know fans will be upset by the demise of the Federated Suns. Hannibal’s fleet of refugees will forge a new empire and come back for revenge, and as the means to sell six more Tech Readouts. It will take 300 years but will be worth it.

In 2022 we will have the BattleTech home world Clans find their way back for some fighting – The Wars of Reaming (sequel to The Wars of Reaving)

We have ignored the Sea Foxes and Snow Ravens. We thought it might complicate the sourcebook, but we will leak to the fan base that we have “special plans for these clans.” They always fall for that shit. In reality, the plans call for them to attack Terra for the epic GenCon 2021 event – tentatively titled – Screw the Wolverines Again!

SECTION – NEW UNITS FIGHTING FOR THE BATTLE OF TERRA

(See Phil’s list plus the following. Artists needed for the new Stone’s unit patches)

1st ComStar Division (Ghosts of Focht. All ‘Mechs have an eyepatch painted on them like their namesake)

2nd ComStar Division (ATT Customer Service)

3rd ComStar Division (Testicles of Tukayyid) With the Buddy the Elf Extermination Brigade

2nd Century, Fidelis (Jaguars of Doom)

The Dumfries Demolishers (Elite Northwind Highlander Company)

The Kell Hounds (rebuilt)

Stone’s Leghumper Legion

Stone’s Hangovers

Stone’s Toenail Fungus (All ‘Mechs painted a dull flat yellow)

Stone’s Migraine Brigade

Stone’s Restless Leg Syndrome Battalion

Stone’s Arthritis

Stone’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Stone’s Hangnail Legion

Stone’s Diaper Rash (This is a youth-brigade of young volunteers)

Stone’s Gallstones (personal troops for Hannibal/Victor 2.0)

Stone’s Melanoma

Stone’s Depends ™

Stone’s Liver Spots (great cameo pattern with this unit!)

Toejam of Stone – staffed with dwarves – these are known as Stone’s Munchkins and the Lollipop Guide Fire Brigade

The Fox News Irregulars (Merc Unit)

Fee Fi Fo Fum…Uber UltraElemental Unit – Remember, these guys are basically genetically bred giants.

Clan Jade Falcon Green Arrow ™ Galaxy

Clan Jade Falcon Green Goblin ™ Galaxy

Clan Jade Falcon Emerald City Galaxy

Clan Wolf – The Wolf’s Mange Cluster

Clan Ghost Bear – Lambda Lambda Mu Galaxy – The Care Bear ™ Legionnaires

Clan Ghost Bear – Yogi Irregulars

Clan Ghost Bear – The Snuggles Brigade

Clan Wolf – The Angry Little Bitches Cluster

Clan Wolf – The Rabid Rottweilers Galaxy

Clan Wolf – Michael Vick’s Vengeance Cluster (again, too soon?)

Clan Wolf – Smells Like Wet Dogs In Here Assault Cluster

The Northwind Highlanders (Your wife’s lipstick battalion) Answers the age-old question of “What do you wear under your kilt?”

SECTION – NEW WEAPONS AND EQUIPMENT: (Brent has had the powers-that-be bless the stats and can provide)

Slaver Systems

GenWeps (Brent has final refinements to the mutation tables)

Quantum Disruptors

Sonic Shredders

Sonic Funnels

Quantum Whip (we can stick the word “quantum” in front of any weapon and it sounds cool and deadly)

Enemanator (works similar to the Colonsocopy Anti-Infantry Ray but is more of a weapon that targets the MechWarrior in the cockpit)

Kloaking Device ™ Comes in light blue color

Remote Cockpit Systems

Class 7 Disco-Ball Scatter Laser

Molecular Acid Blasters (should look a lot like a super soaker)

Photon Destabilizer Weapons

Akira Laser Flashers

Thundar Disruption Hammer

Wildstar Wave Motion Guns and Cannons (what are the chances of us being sued twice for borrowing IP from Japan?)

Bioregenerative Armor

Colonoscopy Anti-Infantry Ray – AKA Brown Ray Weapons – You can guess the effects on the targets, right? Infantry hit with this weapon need to be repainted with brown paints immediately.

Tachyon Vortex Cannon – nickname – Atomic Wedgie

Thor and Odin Orbital Spikes

Red Ryder Gauss Pellet Launcher

Mjolnir Gauss Hammer Projector

Pryor Class Enhanced Flamers – the older fans will get this

McClane Machinegun Array “Ho ho ho, now I have a machinegun…”

The Valhalla Organic Cohesion Eliminator (VOCX)

Twinkie Hypersonic Needler “That’s one hell of a Twinkie…”

UltraElementals – see notes, they are half the size of a BattleMech in full armor per Ray’s and Brent’s specification

Grodd Gorillas

SECTION – NEW BATTLEMECHS

Ball-Buster (186.5 ton Super-Dooper Heavy BattleMech)

Testicle-Twister (Clan Wolverine ‘Mech)

Kardashian Class Assault Tank (Clan Jade Falcon)

Jethro Bodine (with Slaver) (Clan Jade Falcon BattleMech)

Kanye (Light, fast, with no real firepower, Class Wolf BattleMech)

Crusty Toenail Class Tank (Clan Hell’s Horse – and they are even in this fight…oh, some sort of hint of things to come or just us being douchebags?)

Moonshiner Class Tank (Republic of the Sphere) (Note to artists – this should look like a still with a turret, with XXX painted on the hull somewhere.)

Immortal Class BattleMech (oddly named given its remarkable lack of armor – BP)

Bynes Class Hover Tank

Poison Ivy Class BattleMech

Lohan Class Battlearmor

Thunderbuns Class BattleMech (Jade Falcon)

Bad Hair Day VTOL

MCCGA Class Scout Mech (Make the Capellan Confederation Great Again) Note: ‘Mech only comes in red.

Smollett Class Battle Suits (too soon?)

FITW (Fart in the Wind) Class Artillery – essentially a big Tachyon Vortex Cannon-thing.

Ski-Doo Class Land-Air-and-Sea Transmorphable (not Transformer ™ because that would be bad)

Pimple-Popper 2000 Class Medium Mech (Republic of the Sphere)

Honey-Boo-Boo Class Assault ‘Mech

ED-209 Drone (Republic of the Sphere)

Jerry Springer Class Drone with Optional Chair Launcher