It’s 2020, which means we’re finally over those terrible teen years from this century. It’s a new beginning for us all.

And that includes the Detroit Lions. The teen years were especially hard on them, resulting in very few Super Bowl appearances, playoff victories and general success and happiness. (No need to mention the aughts, the ‘90s, ‘80s, ‘70s or ‘60s. But hey, who’s counting?).

So back to 2020. It’s here. And so is our list of the 20 keys to Lions glory in the year 2020.

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1. Pencil in Matt Patricia

It’s time to get serious. It’s time to forget everything we think we knew about the Lions coach. The answer is clear on the change that Patricia needs to make in order to get this woebegone franchise out of the doldrums: It’s time to add a second pencil. Under Patricia’s new “two pencils, no regrets” philosophy, there will be no more excuses, no more defensive problems, no more people asking, “Hey, who uses pencils anymore?” Write it down. In No. 2 lead.

2. Matthew Stafford’s back

The Lions quarterback has had two different back injuries the past two years. It’s clear the wear and tear of carrying a franchise has taken a toll on the guy. I would like to make a simple suggestion. I assume the Lions’ medical staff has already looked into acupuncture, cryotherapy and one of those dudes who massages your back by walking on it. So my idea: I’d like Stafford to conduct all of his media interviews while lying upside down in a zero-gravity chair. I still doubt it would work, but it would be hilarious.

3. Apple Watches

For Stafford, Patricia and offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell. They can synchronize them so that they all know how much time is left on the play clock in order to avoid calling any premature timeouts. It’s a good idea. Trust me!

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4. Pay Calvin Johnson

The best receiver in franchise history will be eligible for induction into the 2021 Pro Football Hall of Fame class. How likely is he to get in? Let’s put it this way: The Hall is already touting Johnson in its ticket packages for its August 2021 enshrinement week. The Lions asked him to return $1.6 million of his signing bonus when he retired early. The Lions will look awfully foolish if he’s inducted and there’s still bad blood between the two parties. Write the check.

5. Calvin Johnson Day

After Johnson is elected, celebrate him with “Calvin Johnson Day” at Ford Field. We’re pretty sure fans will spend at least $1.6 million on concessions and souvenirs.

6. Pride of the Lions

Speaking of Johnson, wouldn’t it be great for the Lions to make a big show of putting their Hall of Famer like Joe Schmidt and Lem Barney in regular contact with players, media and fans to remind everyone that this team has greatness in its DNA. The Packers make a big stink about their championship pedigree, and most of that happened 50 years ago. Why can’t the Lions do the same?

7. No Joker

Let’s get the whiz kids in the Lions’ video and social-media departments trained on video-Illustration software ASAP so that the next time Bleacher Report puts out another lame “Gridiron Heights” video, the Lions can fire back immediately.

8. Feats of strength

The Lions just fired Harold Nash, which means they will have a third strength coach in six seasons. At this point, they should just turn the weight room into an aromatherapy healing and wellness center, give every player a set of P90X DVDs and hope for the best. And just think of the savings. That has to be worth at least $1.6 million. (We're gonna get CJ paid somehow.)

9. Joint-workout ransom fee

The Lions had joint workouts with the Oakland Raiders in 2018 and the New England Patriots in 2019. Neither has won a playoff game since those joint workouts. It’s clear the Lions are the black widows of the joint-workout world. So maybe the Lions can threaten to have joint workouts with the Green Bay Packers or Minnesota Vikings and see if either team will pay them to go away. Gotta be worth $1.6 million, right?

10. Dial up the doinks

Makes sure someone re-applies that cooking spray to the Ford Field goal posts this year.

11. Tyrell Crosby vs. Aubrey Huff cage match

This will be the Thanksgiving Day halftime show. Sorry, Aubrey, no guns. Good luck.

12. Turkey time

Speaking of Thanksgiving, after this year’s power outage and all the hate for Nickelback’s appearance a few years ago, how about if we solve the whole thing by bringing in those awesome Red Wings fans to sing “O Canada” a cappella? Or perhaps a David Blough magic show?

13. Chug fail

All potential ties with the Packers will be decided in a chugging contest between Stafford and Aaron Rodgers — as soon as Rodgers finishes that O’Doul’s he couldn’t get down last year.

14. Jersey boys

We kid Rodgers. He’s a fantastic and colorful player. He also gets major props for writing gushing praise of Darius Slay while giving him his jersey after the season finale. Wouldn’t it be amazing to see them in the same jersey one day? Of course, we mean Honolulu Blue and Silver, not Packers (puke) green and gold.

15. Don of an era

Give long-snapper Don Muhlbach a lifetime contract. He’s a free agent and he’s been one of the classiest, beloved and most dependable players in team history. Thanks to Matt Prater, and Jason Hanson before him, kicking is one of the few things the Lions have done consistently well — and it’s no coincidence Muhlbach has delivered the ball for both men.

16. Tight (end) spot

Can we all just agree that the Lions are cursed at the tight end position. Poor T.J. Hockenson had a great start, then struggled the rest of the year and eventually got concussed, then returned only to go on injured reserve with an gruesome-looking ankle injury. Before Hockenson, there was the Eric Ebron debaclenot to mention the four-year, $28.5 million contract last offseason for Jesse James that produced all of 142 receiving yards in Year 1. As far as I know, there’s no requirement to carry a tight end. So how about if the Lions end the curse by just playing an extra receiver?

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17. Trade bait

General manager Bob Quinn has failed to hit a home run with his first-round draft picks so far. So how about the Lions don’t doom some poor kid’s career and just trade entirely out of the first round. Wouldn’t you rather have more chances to land a Kenny Golladay in the third round?

18. Spy game

Running back Bo Scarbrough is going back to Alabama to finish his degree and wants to work for the FBI after football. He also likes to sit alone in a secret little hideout in the corner of the locker room. As long as he keeps infiltrating the defensive backfield, who cares if he’s really on some kind of covert black-ops mission for the Patriots?

19. Hire Dan Gilbert

No, not as an owner. As a motivational speaker. The Lions held the lead in 14 games this year but didn’t know how to finish or close out games. We’re pretty sure the founder of one of the nation’s largest mortgage lenders can teach the Lions how to "Always Be Closing." Second prize is a set of steak knives.

20. Best defense

You want the Fords motivated to fix the defense? Here’s the answer. The team's 2020 point differential determines the number of dollars ticket prises rise or fall in 2021. Everyone would have received an $82 discount this year.

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Contact Carlos Monarrez at cmonarrez@freepress.com or follow him on Twitter @cmonarrez