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A new report by people who are hysterically panic-buying non-perishable groceries like characters on The Walking Dead has found that the Coronavirus causes people to do heaps of poops.

This comes as Woolworths applies a four-pack limit to purchases of goona wrap as the virus-prepping empties supermarket shelves of household staples.

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Toilet paper joins other obscure household items like high-end pasta brands and Nutella spread facing a nationwide shortage, however, it definitely makes the least sense.

As outlined by the Australian Health Department website, Coronavirus (COVID-19) is a respiratory illness caused by some people who decided to eat bat soup in Wuhan. Symptoms range from a mild cough to pneumonia. Some people recover easily, others may get very sick very quickly. There is evidence that it spreads from person to person. Good hygiene can prevent infection.

There is very little evidence that COVID-19 causes people to shit more than usual. In fact, the digestive system is one of the bodily functions that appears to be least affected by this disease. Because it’s a respiratory illness, not a stomach illness.

The Prime Minister has today gone above and beyond by asking the Woolworths and Coles duopoly if they could do him a favour and re-stock all supplies, like they weren’t already doing that.

“Haha, you’d be loving all this panic-buying” Scotty From Marketing told the wage-stealing supermarket giants.

“Bet you wish we had a pandemic every year haha”

“Bit like the petrol stations with the bushfires, they made so much coin haha”

A two-pack limit on purchases of hand sanitiser has also been implemented, even though Woolies have sold out nationwide, but, when they get more, it’s gonna be two packs per person.



