The following is satirical.

The nation is waiting with bated breath to discover which Hollywood nitwit is going to endorse which Socialist lowlife. All across America, voters are asking: If Tom Hanks supports Joe Biden and Scarlett Johansson supports Elizabeth Warren, will we vote for Donald Trump because of Hanks or because of Johannson?

Reports are spreading that large numbers of good looking genetic jackpots who pretend to be other people by convincingly reading lines off a page are not certain who to vote for, which leaves many Americans asking some serious questions, like “What’s for dinner?” and “Where in tarnation did I leave my glasses?” and that popular favorite, “While you’re up, would you mind getting me a beer?”

Which entertainer endorses whom makes a big difference, of course, to what sort of rallies candidates can hold.

For example, a dispute between rappers Favor Flav and Chuck D over whether to support Bernie or Biden has left many voters in suspense over which of the two blithering old white men will be able to dance around ridiculously to the most soul-deadening and repetitive music with the most illiterate lyrics. Whereas a divide between Dick Van Dyke and Sela Ward has left many voters wondering who are Dick Van Dyke and Sela Ward?

In the past, candidates have valued the endorsement of movie stars because the movie stars gave them money which the candidates valued because it was money. But because socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have to pretend not to like money until they have power and can acquire huge amounts of it while everyone else descends into poverty, they have instead valued movie stars for their celebrity presence. After all, nothing says socialism like being supported on stage by a grinning gazillionaire who hasn’t worked an eight-hour day since he was a rent boy on “Sunset Boulevard.”

Thus, the Democrat nomination hangs in the balance until some handsome clown endorses some decrepit tyrant and no one cares.

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