OUR shared reality is to be turned off and started again after becoming glitchy and confusing.

Reality, which has been running for billions of years, was scoring poorly with focus groups who couldn’t remember the plot and thought it had too many characters.

Quantum physicist Dr Helen Archer said: “It was really good at first, but as time’s gone on it’s become confused and impossible to get into if you’re not already following it.

“By starting again at the beginning, like they did with James Bond, we can throw out some of the more contrived events and bring in a whole new audience.

DC Comics does this every few years to make sure that Batman remains accessible to audiences and to delete some of the Robins hes carelessly killed. Its just common sense.

The reboot will cancel the extinction of the dinosaurs, make Jesus’s hair less like Russell Brand’s and restore the Central Asian centaur population which was removed in the last reboot.

British history will be reduced from an unwieldy two millennia to a more manageable 250 years, with all the dull kings and most wars with the French removed.

Tom Booker of Croydon said: Apparently theres every chance that Ill wake up with a new wife, home, job and life that may only bear the slightest resemblance to the one I had previously.

Whatever. I could do with a change.”