In honor of Infertility Awareness Week – here’s a Top 10 list for what some of y’all should shut the fuck up about.

1. Complaints about your body during pregnancy. Swollen feet? Fat ass? Whaleish proportions? Shut the fuck up, you’re pregnant. You have a tiny head and tiny feet poking you in the ribs and wedged between your organs. That’s how you’re supposed to feel.

2. Complaints about what you can’t eat while pregnant. Can’t eat sushi? Can’t eat goat cheese? Can’t eat salami? Shut the fuck up before we shove this seaweed wrapped, cheese slathered salami up your ass. Have you heard the saying you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Maybe not, seeing how you’re devouring that cake….

3. Complaints about what you can’t do while pregnant. Can’t go on a rollercoaster? Can’t go on a trampoline? Can’t skydive? Shut the fuck up, we can’t have a baby.

4. Complaints about your kids. Up all night? Have picky eaters? Sick of them crying over broken toys? Sick of them crying over sharing toys? Sick of them crying over the fact that you made them wear pants? Shut the fuck up, that’s how kids act.

5. Questions about when we’ll have kids. When do we think we’ll have kids? Are we planning on ever having kids? Hm, let’s see, we thought about 3 years ago, but now we don’t know if we ever will be able to, THANKS FOR ASKING. Shut the fuck up with your ignorant questions.

6. Complaints about how your pregnancy/children is affecting your sex life. Really? Try forcing your spouse to have sex with you when they have a temperature of 103 and a raging sinus infection, because it is cycle day 15 and you don’t “waste a cycle”. Or try having to drive to Ohio because it’s cycle day 15 and your spouse is out of town for work and you don’t want to “waste a cycle”. Then you can talk to us about your crappy sex life. Shut the fuck up, we can’t wait to not HAVE to have sex.

7. Gushing about how your prenatal vitamins made your hair and nails grow. “Prenatal vitamins made my hair so lush and my nails so long” you say. Yea, shut the fuck up. We’ve been on them for 3 years and our split ends have split ends and our nails are stubs (but maybe that is from our anxious chewing?)

8. Complaints about all of your doctor appointments/procedures. Really? Because some of us are spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on medications and procedures. We’re spending time at the doctor 4 days out of the month, on dates we can’t plan ahead, and often have to leave work or cancel plans to check on our follicle size. We’re getting probed, we’re stabbing ourselves with needles, we’re nauseous because of the meds we’re taking. The end result of this is usually bad news with a pitying look from a nurse, instead of getting to hear a heartbeat or see our baby’s toes on ultrasound. Shut the fuck up about your doctor visits and procedures.

9. Advice about how to get pregnant. Relax? Stop trying and it will happen? Utilize the missionary position? Drink herbal tea? Trust in God’s plan? Chart our temperatures? Shut the fuck up with your witchcraft and wives tales. We’re working with our reproductive endocrinologists, thank you very much, because this is a biological problem, not a fairy-tale dilemma.

10. Complaints about not being able to drink because you’re pregnant. Ok, actually, that one we get. We totally get that.

Did I miss anything?

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