Pope approves condoms only for use with promiscuous altar boys

The Pope has softened the Catholic Church’s stance on the use of condoms by suggesting there are certain circumstances in which they are acceptable, such as when you can’t be sure of the sexual history of an altar boy.

Until recently the Catholic position had been that all forms of contraception are sinful, as they prevent you from creating more and more people that believe in their particular flavour of sky fairy.

However in an excerpt from the catchily-titled book ‘Light of the World: The Pope, the Church and the Signs of the Times’, the Pope suggested that using condoms might be OK, given the right circumstances.

He told the Vatican newspaper in an interview promoting the book, “I am not saying that condoms are OK for everyone, but some of those altar boys really get around. If my decision stops just one priest getting a dose, then I think that’s probably OK.”

“This is not about the church saying condoms are OK, we are only saying it’s OK in a very clearly defined set of circumstances which might prevent our priests getting a sexually transmitted disease.”

“The rest of you still have to avoid them, or you’ll go to Hell, or something.”

Pope’s Condom stance

The news has been welcomed by priests across the world, for whom sexually transmitted diseases are becoming an increasing problem.

Father Padraig, a priest on sabbatical in Brazil, explained, “Such is the state of promiscuity in today’s youth that it is almost impossible to find a clean member of your congregation with which to spend your ‘special times’.”

“So obviously this is excellent news. It is important that the Church takes a common sense approach to modern issues of morality and health – well, among the clergy, anyway.”

“Also, did you know there are condoms that taste like sweets? That’s going to be a real time-saver.”