EMPORIA, KS—Calling it a tough decision with hundreds of other dispiriting options available, a report released Monday by Forbes magazine declared Emporia, KS the best small town in America to escape from. “After examining a wide range of quality-of-life indicators, we determined that there was no better place in America to get the hell out of and never look back,” said editor Martha Collins, adding that factors such as housing conditions and the overall health of residents made it ideal for packing one’s bags for the big city and never looking back. “The school system is perfect for someone who wants to jump on the first bus out of town so they never have to see those people’s faces again, and the local economy provides a range of dead-end jobs for people to quit because they don’t want to wake up 40 years from now having wasted their lives like their old man—ultimately, there was no better town for dreaming of a better life somewhere, anywhere else.” The survey also found that Park Ridge, IL was, by far, the best small town in America to crawl back to after failing to make it in L.A.

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