Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

In recent years, it’s become trendy to promote “body-positivity” and to tell people that you can just eat whatever you want. We’ve started to pretend that it doesn’t matter what you stuff down your gullet. But the truth is that what you eat matters a lot. It can affect your health, your weight, your attitude, really your whole life. After all, you are what you eat. And that’s why I’m a cannibal.

Too many people think they can get away with a steady diet of cupcakes, pizza, and beer. Still others believe they can make do with well-rounded meals that include healthy portions of fruits, vegetables, and protein. But diets like those only result in you turning into one of those food items. And wouldn’t you rather be a human than a slice of pizza? If you like being a person, you have to make tough choices. You have to eat other people.

I know it can be hard to eat humans — after all, on the whole they are not particularly tasty. But nothing tastes as good as being a human feels. Strong-willed people can push aside their desire to not eat their compatriots, and refuse to indulge in fantasies where you don’t have to chew and swallow human skin, sinew, and guts. It may be unpleasant, but if you don’t eat people to stay human, then you’ll have no one but yourself to blame when your health plummets and you turn into a literal turkey sandwich.

This is why I’m concerned by all the food fads lately — like juice cleanses and paleo diets and eating whatever you feel like because it’s your life. Listen, I get it, you really want there to be some quick and easy trick to get out of having to consume other human beings. But when it comes to your diet, it’s best to stick to what’s stood the test of time. And eating your fellow man is a time honored practice. Just look at the Bible. People say “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” That’s because Adam and Eve ate Steve. And God loved that. He only banished them from Eden once they ate an apple.

For those of you still struggling with cannibalism, it will be tempting to eat people you hate, like murderers and rapists and vegans. But that will only turn you into a murderer, rapist, or vegan! No, you need to seek out friends, loved ones, and role models for your meals. Find people you respect and admire. And then eat them, so that you obtain their best qualities.

There are other benefits to eating people beyond the fact that it keeps you human. For example, eating meat is one of the biggest ways that individuals contribute to climate change. But eating people helps dramatically reduce your carbon footprint. Scientists tell us that people are the biggest contributors to climate change. So every person you eat is one fewer person contributing to the destruction of our planet.

Plus, have you heard the phrase “eat the rich?” It’s good advice. That’s how I became a billionaire.

So don’t fall for late-night infomercials or glossy magazine columns that claim that there’s an easier way to stay human than chowing down on men, women, and children. Ignore your friends and family that scream “You don’t have to do this!” and “Why! Why?! Aghgh!!” The answer to all your body and diet problems is simple: You are what you eat. So if you want to be a cheeseburger, eat a cheeseburger. If you want to be a salad, eat some kale. But if you want to be a healthy and happy person, suck it up and eat human beings.