I recently reunited with an old college friend. During our our conversation, he asked about my “liberal” views and how that was working for me as an active Mormon.

He talked about being “a supportive non-believer”, and asked, if there was really room for us in the church.

I wanted to say “YES! There is room for anyone who wants to be there, regardless of where you are at.”

But I couldn’t. We shouldn’t have litmus tests to qualify for being a participant. But we often do.

A book I read recently talks about how the brain’s job is to keep us alive. One strategy the brain uses is to encourage us to form tribes. Tribes can watch out for each other and increase the likelihood of survival. Those who are a danger to the tribe are pushed out, in order to protect the rest.

It’s not surprising then, that so many, when they try to talk to friends, family, or ward members about their changes in belief, or different perspectives are, as Patrick Mason calls it, “squeezed out”.

There are things I do personally to cope with sometimes feeling squeezed out.

First, I challenge my thought. Sometimes my feelings of not fitting in are due to my own fears and insecurities rather than other people’s behavior. Examining my thoughts and checking for other possibilities can help me figure out if I’m reacting to my own insecurities, or if there really is something going on with those around me.

Second, share my vulnerable feelings. If I feel safe to do so, I might talk to the person who I feel is treating me unfairly, in a way that assertive and clear, but not hostile or aggressive. This helps me express myself and my needs without contributing to a hostile pattern of interaction. This option isn’t always safe, and the outcome can be uncertain. We can’t control other people, but I have found that speaking up for myself helps me feel more empowered about my situation.

Third, I give myself permission to walk away. Be it temporarily or not, allowing myself the space to take care of myself helps me engage on my own terms. It’s easier to deal with the random, stinging church comments if they aren’t piled on top of resentment toward having to be there in the first place.

Fourth, I seek empathy for those around me. In a recent Relief Society first Sunday meeting, my Relief Society talked about increasing unity. One young sister spoke up and shared that she noticed when she loved someone, their quirks didn’t bother her anymore, and that all of us have quirks that can be pretty irritating at times. The best way to increase unity inspite of this human reality was to love each other. I have found two ways that help me love others. First is service. As long as I have it in me, I sign up to serve those around me. Second, I look to understand. Having empathy for someone doesn’t mean we ignore the problematic things they say or do. It just means we pull back and look at the bigger picture to try to understand their words or behavior in context of their life experience.

Lastly, I remind myself that before facebook came along, I knew a lot less about the inner thoughts of my extended family or ward members. Knowing things about people can increase our feelings of “being in the tribe” when we agree, but also increase our feelings of being rejected when we don’t. It’s okay to love people and serve alongside people who have different views. Too many people see differences and feel the need to defend their own position and forget that life is richer when we surround ourselves with people who broaden our experience through sharing their life experiences.

To leaders, I ask that if you find yourself becoming reactive or defensive to something a ward member says to you, take a deep breath and remember that it’s okay for people to see things differently. Don’t squeeze people out by trying to push them into a box that isn’t going to work for them. Love people, and support them on their journey, even in their route seems scary and unfamiliar to you.