She often picked up her newspaper and read the reports of young people who died. She thought their profiles were beautiful.

"You see these pictures of beautiful young people and their stories. We couldn't do that. Not when it's death by suicide," said the mum, who can't be named.

"When we wrote his death notice, we were told you can't mention suicide. From the get-go, it was like this dirty little secret."

The mother, who lives in Christchurch, lost her son on November 24, 2013. He was 18 years and nine months old.

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As the anniversary of his death approached, she wanted to celebrate him. She spoke to a reporter, but then, a coroner suppressed the details around her son's death.

The family can not be identified because as part of the suppression ruling, her son's name may not be associated with the mention of suicide.

But not being able to talk about what happened has forced her to bottle up her grief. She wanted to celebrate him. She wanted to stop it happening to someone else's son or daughter. She wanted public accountability for his death.

"For me, to have lost him and for it to just stop at losing him. I couldn't reconcile that in my head. There had to be something more. The circumstances around his death were utterly tragic," the mother says.

"I loved my child. I really loved him. I had a huge amount of pride and I wanted to celebrate him, and to have someone say 'no, you can't'. I couldn't understand it. I want to be able to talk about my boy."

The mother says the chief coroner's decision to "muzzle the media" to prevent suicide was not working. Instead, it isolates people. It makes it a dirty word.

Last year, 569 deaths were ruled as a suicide or suspected suicide in New Zealand. It has now risen to its highest figure since the coroner's office started to release the statistics.

The year before, that number was 529.

Timaru-based Dr Ollie Bourke says silencing the noise around suicide causes more harm than good.

"With suicide, the shutters come down straight away. The general excuse is it might encourage copycat suicides, there's always a risk of that but with copycats there will always be an underlying issue to address, like bullying," he said.

"In this day and age, we're not winning the war against suicide."

Bourke says the medical profession "has never been good or open" about the situations that contribute to suicide.

About 25 per cent of New Zealanders will experience depression at some stage in their lives, but Bourke says the medical fraternity "doesn't treat it properly".

"It's really hushed up everywhere. It's wrong. We should be far more open about it. The medical profession, they cover it up, sweep it under the carpet and hope it will go away," he says.

"I ask that question, have we the courage? Have we the courage to talk more openly about suicide?"

Some do. Like the mum who lost her son. She's told her story. But she can't tell you all of it.

A MOTHER'S STORY:

I thought I was never going to be a mum, I wasn't expected to live through my teenage years.

He was born on February 24, 1995. He was eight pound three. When they passed him to me, he was having a bit of a squawk. They lay him on my chest. He had one eye open, and one eye closed. It was instant love. He was my miracle. He was my baby.

He was a very clever kid right from the start. I have a daughter too, they had a very good relationship. He was her person, as well as her big brother.

The earthquakes changed everything for him. [REDACTED]

He never really settled back into school after that.

He got a part-time job[REDACTED] I think he looked at joining the army but because he was in a job and earning money he didn't want that to stop.

I think he was trying to grow up too quickly.

He was 18 years and nine months when he died. [REDACTED]

He ended up moving back [REDACTED]and he didn't have a job so he bowled up into a bar and ended up managing the place. But by July, he had no job again. [REDACTED]

He didn't want me to know.​ I think he was quite embarrassed by it.

Talking to him later, there was a degree of self-consciousness and embarrassment.[REDACTED]

I knew he had been unwell, but he said he had stomach issues.

Two days after[REDACTED]we had a family movie night. He didn't look well, he looked really sick. He was gaunt in complexion and although he didn't look well, he seemed okay-ish, he said it was something wrong with his stomach. It was a pleasant evening, we went to a wee bar near the cinemas and then watched a movie.[REDACTED]

The next day I got a call about 10ish. [REDACTED]

I was quite distressed. I was literally sitting in the main entry way, crying my eyes out. About 15 or 20 minutes later,[REDACTED]I was told [REDACTED]he was okay. [REDACTED]

When I saw him, he was outside smoking and he was bashful and a bit embarrassed. He was sitting there with his head drooping. [REDACTED]

He came back to live with me, it was just before my birthday. [REDACTED]

But he just wasn't improving. [REDACTED]He was even struggling to get out of bed. [REDACTED]

His friends were ringing[REDACTED] to find out where he was, they were texting me. He said, 'you can't tell them'. I think that's one of my biggest regrets. [REDACTED]He was just a sad wee thing. It was so sad. There was just a shadow of who he was.

I said to him, 'it's okay, [REDACTED] you can just be yourself.' [REDACTED]

Every time I went to visit him, generally he could tolerate about 20 minutes or half an hour. Then he'd start twitching. He liked the visits, he liked seeing me, but he couldn't cope with seeing me. [REDACTED]

Right at the end I was asked if I had been offered any support. I said no. So they gave me a pamphlet. That was my support. [REDACTED]

That night I bought burgers and we ate them. It was the first visit I had with him where he started talking about it all. He told me about how [REDACTED] he heard the alarm bells go off.

He told me he was starting to feel better. [REDACTED]It was like a light had turned on and he was coming back.

He told me how every waking moment, his whole head was filled with [REDACTED]a big void.[REDACTED]He got a hair cut and he was talking to me. I felt very positive. He was coming right.

All day the next day at work I was thinking about it, that there was this void I had to fill with something good. I went to Whitcoulls and I bought John Kirwan's book [REDACTED]I bought the book and bought this big chocolate heart. I bought a pen and wrote a wee inscription.

I got there after 8pm,[REDACTED] he saw me walking down the corridor looking for him. He was tall and lanky and had these big long strides.

I couldn't see him every day. I was exhausted. I just couldn't do it.

So he was surprised to see me. I told him I'd bought him a gift, and he said, 'You didn't buy that John Kirwan book, I hate that book'. But then he saw this chocolate and his face lit up. It was the size of his palm and he unwrapped it to see if it was okay. He took a nibble. Then he stuffed it in his face.

When [REDACTED] they were pumping his stomach and I saw all this chocolate coming out.

Anyway, he said 'take the book back, you're wasting money'.

Then he read the inscription: "Beloved [REDACTED]you are my living proof that even when I give up hope, miracles can happen. Hold onto hope even if it is just that hope that this too shall pass. Lots of love, prayers and best wishes, Mum."

He was clearly touched. But then he read it as: "Hated [REDACTED] , you are my dead proof ..." [REDACTED]

He started getting agitated and asking odd questions. By 8.20pm, I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to go home. He was sitting on the bed and I put my hand on the top of the head and gave him a kiss, and said I'm leaving now to have dinner. I just walked away, I didn't even look to see if he came out of his room. I just left.

When I got home, I had dinner and I was watching the tele. X-Factor was on and there was this band called Restless Road or something, three country singers. They were singing Coldplay's Fix Ya. It's a poignant song [REDACTED]

Then the phone rings, and I thought it must be [REDACTED]He's ringing to apologise. Then I thought, 'I'll catch up with him tomorrow'. But I did answer. It wasn't [REDACTED] It was the doctor. [REDACTED] He was calling to say they were in an ambulance on the way to hospital.

They said I wouldn't be able to see him. When we got there they took us out the back. [REDACTED]He was so long his feet were hanging over the bed. [REDACTED]

They had to cut his shirt open, it was his favourite shirt. He had his skinny jeans on.[REDACTED]

I didn't sleep. I went home and played that Coldplay song over and over again.

That morning, the doctor basically said it wasn't looking good and if there was family that needed to travel, they needed to travel. My whole family came to the hospital, the support from them was amazing. I also didn't want his friends to come to a funeral when there's an opportunity to say goodbye. It was a really hard decision to make, but it felt like the right one at the time.

Every kid who came in, they were so shocked but it was the best things for them to do. The kids were taking shifts to see him. They were there from Friday to Sunday so he was never alone. We took over the waiting rooms - two of them. All the kids were sleeping there, and swapping out.

They started this book and wrote messages for him. They do that at the hospital so that when they wake up they get this book from all people holding vigil.[REDACTED]But he never got his book. I told him, 'you are loved, you are loved, you are loved'.

Then on the Sunday [REDACTED]we started discussing the possibility of organ donation.

He died in 10 minutes. I felt his last breath go. It was just horrible. [REDACTED]

In a way, we were blessed to have that. To have time to say goodbye.

WHERE TO GET HELP

Lifeline (open 24/7) - 0800 543 354

Depression Helpline (open 24/7) - 0800 111 757

Healthline (open 24/7) - 0800 611 116

Samaritans (open 24/7) - 0800 726 666

Suicide Crisis Helpline (open 24/7) - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.

Youthline (open 24/7) - 0800 376 633. You can also text 234 for free between 8am and midnight, or emailtalk@youthline.co.nz

0800 WHATSUP children's helpline - phone 0800 9428 787 between 1pm and 10pm on weekdays and from 3pm to 10pm on weekends. Online chat is available from 7pm to 10pm every day at www.whatsup.co.nz.

Kidsline (open 24/7) - 0800 543 754. This service is for children aged 5 to 18. Those who ring between 4pm and 9pm on weekdays will speak to a Kidsline buddy. These are specially trained teenage telephone counsellors.

Your local Rural Support Trust - 0800 787 254 (0800 RURAL HELP)

Alcohol Drug Helpline (open 24/7) - 0800 787 797. You can also text 8691 for free.

For further information, contact the Mental Health Foundation's free Resource and Information Service (09 623 4812).