We all have our own special ways of getting ourselves off: some people watch porn, some people put gerbils up their butt (#RichardGere), some people freeze their poop and us it as a dildo, and some people, like my internet friend Eliot, are into CBT. (Cock and ball torture, duh!) Eliot does all kinds of nasty stuff to his peen—punches it, steps on it, fills it with live insects, etc. He even invented his own CBT game called Ant Farm where he drops sugar down his urethra and then puts his penis into box full of ants, then lets the ants roam in and out of his pee hole like it’s a secret underground tunnel. Inventive! When he’s not destroying his sex organs, 52-year-old Eliot works as an electrician in Utah. He’s been married for 30 years to a woman who thinks his CBT games are kind of gross but loves him anyway.

Eliot likes taking on dares, so I recently challenged him to write SLUTEVER on his dick and then shove a worm as far down the hole as possible. He gladly accepted, and a few days later I received the photos you see below. I guess I could have thought up a more exciting or exotic dare—something with maggots maybe?—but I’m pleased with the photos nonetheless. Below is a conversation I had with Eliot about masochism and the various insect penis torture games he plays with himself in his spare time. #important

What is the most masochistic thing you’ve ever done?

You must mean the stupidest thing I have ever done, LOL. Well, once a friend of mine challenged me to do 50 naked pushups over top of a bunch of mousetraps. Now, I’m not a gym rat and I don’t think I’ve ever done 50 pushups in my life, but of course I accepted. Well, I made it to 43 and got stuck–I couldn’t go up and didn’t want to go down—but then my “good” friend stepped on my bare ass and down I went. There were about 10 traps all strategically placed, but only two connected. The first one caught the head of my dick, and the second pinched my ball sack and split it open. I didn’t even know I was bleeding at first because my dick head hurt so bad, but man, ball sacks bleed like a stuck pig!

Ahhhh!

Anyway, no real damage done except some blood, and my dick turned black and blue for a couple of weeks. Kids, don’t try this at home! Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Where did you get the idea for the penis ant farm?

Basically I just saw a bunch of ants in the yard and thought, “I wonder what those would feel like in my dick.”

I see. And what happened to the ants that died inside of you? Some must have died, right? Did you pee them out later?

None of the ants died inside me that I saw. I pulled the device that was spreading me open out very slowly, and very few were in there after that, but they came out quickly. The ants only had one direction to go, because to go in further they would have to push open my urethra and I don’t think they could do that. After I played with them I put them back where I found them.

That’s nice. So did it feel crazy beautiful?

It felt really good when they were crawling around, yes! The biting… not so much. But I like me some pain so that part was fun too.

Before you do something, do you research whether or not it’s dangerous beforehand?

I do weigh out the risks, but the risk is part of the fun. Fortunately, I think I have good common sense. I know putting insects in your private parts isn’t considered common sense by most people, but if you ask me riding a motorcycle is a lot more dangerous than putting a mousetrap on your balls every once in a while, ya know? Life is short.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve put inside you?

Probably that live worm you had me do. Not only was it weird but it was pretty tough to get in.

Eww, how did you get it in?

I just pushed it in, but it was hard. It was very slippery so I didn’t use lube at all. I’ve heard stories of worms crawling up there on their own but that was not the case for me. Maybe I’ll try again some time and use a straw, then send the worm down the straw, and then pull the straw out.

Is your wife into CBT?

No, she is rather vanilla, but she will do some small things like slap and squeeze my balls. I don’t know how it works for most people: is penis torture something you do with someone you are in a relationship with, or are you supposed play with Dommes? I’m not sure. Most of what I do is by myself, although I have also done CBT with other guys.

Oooh. Do tell!

Well once I tied mine and a friend’s balls together and had a tug of war. That was awesome. He can’t take much pain so I pulled him all over the house crying like a bitch, LOL. He cheated a couple of times and grabbed the rope and yanked it to got back at me though.

Have you ever been serious injured because of your fetish?

Not really. The mousetrap incident was probably the worst. I’ve never even had a urinary tract infection, which kind of surprises me. Knock on wood!

Good angle, Eliot!

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