Iana Borova Photography

Once upon a time in Santa Barbara, there was a newbie social dancer named Elena. She thought she was not very good at social dancing. Somehow all of her friends seemed way better at it than she was.

Never mind that they’d all been dancing for years longer than her… her competitive mindset told her that she needed to be as good as them RIGHT NOW.

When she danced, it was fun — until she messed up a step or missed the cue for a certain move. She would immediately feel bad and apologize, even if it was clearly the lead’s fault. She would become rattled and start stumbling over her own feet, even on moves that she already knew how to do.

This continued for a few months. She would always force herself to show up to the socials, stumble through a dance, take a break, and try again. Everyone told her it would get better, but it wasn’t changing. By the end of each night, it was a struggle for her to keep back the tears of shame and embarrassment. One night, she drove two hours to Los Angeles for a salsa event with friends. She had so many error-ridden dances in a row that she sat down and didn’t move for over three hours until the event ended.

After she had been social dancing for a little over a year, she went to a 3-day salsa event in San Luis Obispo. There were no lessons, just hours upon hours of social dancing every night. The dancers had travelled from all over the state. Everyone was welcoming and kind.

When she stumbled and mumbled an apology, the leads would just smile and say “No, my bad!” and keep dancing with her like they hadn’t a care in the world. She’d never experienced such positive affirmation.

Something amazing happened — she started to truly have fun.

Photo by Robert Darneal

She realized that no one cared if her styling didn’t look quite right, or if she had messed up a move, or if she couldn’t do as many spins as her friend, or even if she accidentally bumped into someone on the dance floor.

Her social dancing has transformed rapidly over the last year. She became more courageous and started taking more workshops and danced at every possible opportunity. The dancer she was looks nothing like the dancer that she is now.

Here’s what she learned over the last two years of social dancing.

She learned that social dancing is not a performance. As a former gymnast/solo dancer/ballroom dancer, it took a while for her to get over this idea that everyone was watching and judging her. She’s certainly invigorated when there are people watching, but she’s learned now that no one cares or really even sees when she messes up. She learned that the point of social dancing is the connection with her partner. It’s about creating a conversation between the two dancers. It could be a fun conversation, a dynamic conversation, a sexy conversation, or a deep conversation. Messing up is just like stumbling over a word when speaking…it’s not the end of the world. She learned that she shouldn’t have expecations when social dancing. If she puts expectations on her partner to be amazing or if she expects herself to blow their mind, 9/10 times that pressure is going to result in disappointment. She lives in the moment and enjoys each dance for the individual work of art that it is. Sometimes partners might paint a masterpiece, sometimes they might end up with a macaroni drawing. The real question is: Did both dancers have fun while they were making it?

And with these lessons under her belt, Elena lived happily ever after, knowing that she’ll still have her off-days, but that she’ll be able to overcome them now and help other dancers to do the same.