The Apology

I'm very sorry, everyone. I never meant for this to happen.

My intentions were good; I wanted to create an easy-to-follow, moderately paced drinking game for anyone to enjoy while watching attractive strangers drink and snog in a convenient ABC-sponsored resort. It was supposed to be harmless!

Then Chad happened. Grumpy BadScruff made his return from JoJo's season of the Bachelorette and set fire to my intentions, aimlessly casting inappropriate language in all directions. In the first episode, he was responsible for the bulk of the 35 instances of blurring, swearing at a clip comparable to Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Under our original rules, this translated to 105 drinks. Add in the 46 times people said Paradise, 30 random shots of animals, and normal results for our other rules and suddenly our players were on a fast track to liver damage. We tallied 235 drinks in the season premiere, averaging nearly 2 drinks per minute. Our target is the inverse: one drink every two minutes.

I was surprised at how poorly these rules were planned after watching forty hours of Bachelor and Bachelorette content in the last six months. Even if I hadn't seen an episode of Bachelor in Paradise, going from an average of 0.53 drinks per minute to 1.96 was a leap. Luckily, I have a defense: Chad's Episode 1 performance was a Black Swan Event.