It's only Week 5, but our teams are already falling apart. The only consistent element? The other people in your league are still trash-talking jerks (god bless ’em).

The Commissioner

The most important part of any fantasy football league is the Commissioner—at least, if you ask him. He’s the one who got this whole ragtag group together, and everyone needs to know it. While the rest of the league took their summer off from fantasy football to focus on their jobs or families, The Commish was tabbing open seven different draft websites, finding a guy to replace the one who left too many Bye players in his starting lineup, and scheduling around the one guy who is inexplicably busy at 8 P.M. on a Sunday in August. He’s terrible at fantasy football but great at Google Calendar. All hail The Commissioner.

The Diehard

The Diehard is not here for socializing, camaraderie, or fun—he’s here to run his fantasy football team like the GM of an actual fucking football team. He rolls into the draft with some unique ranking algorithm he’s been developing all summer, and he knows more about Mike Evans’s hamstring issues than Mike Evans does. His draft strategy—he’s picking a quarterback FIFTH ROUND?—inspires deep insecurity from the rest of the group. Do not trust any trade offers from The Diehard.

The Dark Horse

The Dark Horse plays a pure numbers game based on ESPN’s automated scoring predictions, and since she’s untethered from any misguided “gut” feelings or allegiances or SportsCenter highlights, is a threat to win every single week. At the annual trophy handoff last year, she couldn’t make it to Buffalo Wild Wings, despite winning the whole thing. Used the prize money for an Airbnb in Reykjavík while you knuckleheads fought over who ordered an extra Modelo.

The Loyalist

His dedication to his home team is admirable, even if it isn’t totally clear if he understands how fantasy football works. He’ll draft a guy from the local team, even if the rankings list him behind 10 or 15 guys. He avoids his team’s conference so that the slightest conflict of interest is impossible. His team, essentially the Bears without Alshon Jeffery (he couldn't even snag him in the draft), always comes in last.

The Friend Who Keeps Proposing Trades

This is the asshat who keeps trying to unload Ben Roethlisberger for two starting running backs. His strategy is literally to throw as much shit against the wall as possible to see what lands. His main targets are The Guy Just Here to Make Even Numbers and The Bro Who Could Not Be Less Prepared but Is Here for a Good Time.

The Guy Here Just to Make Even Numbers

Look, you can’t have a league with nine teams, and that’s where the Commish’s wife’s brother comes in. (In the real world, this guy is less Rafi from The League and more Jared from Silicon Valley.) He doesn’t really know anyone, but he seems nice enough and actually Venmo’d you on time, unlike everybody else. He is innocuously ruining the vibe (just like he did at the Commish’s bachelor party), but hey, family is family, and nine is not ten.

The Bro Who Could Not Be Less Prepared but Is Here for a Good Time

Trades, waivers, retirements? This guy was hoping to pick up all these updates in the 15-20 minutes before the draft, but he stopped first to get a case of Miller High Life, so he instead relied on the information supplied by those little yellow flags next to players' names. He is the frequent recipient of the "dude, it's 11:58, swap out your Bye players so you can beat Diehard for me" text. He wasn’t planning on joining another league this year, but then he remembered that fantasy football leagues are an excuse to watch multiple football games a day, drink, and talk shit to your friends.