After splitting from her toyboy, IVF mum, 61 admits: My critics were right and age limit should be 50



When Susan Tollefsen became one of Britain’s oldest first-time mothers after IVF treatment at the age of 57, many criticised her decision, believing she was too old to become a parent.

At the time, Mrs Tollefsen defended herself and pointed out that her partner Nick Mayer was 11 years her junior – and would therefore be around to care for their daughter Freya during all of her childhood.

Now, however, The Mail on Sunday can reveal that the couple have separated. And Mrs Tollefsen has conceded that some of her critics were right – after being forced to cope as the country’s oldest single mother and encountering all the difficulties of bringing up a three-year-old child on her own at the age of 61.

'You learn by your mistakes': Susan Tollefsen, 61, and her daughter Freya

The pensioner also agrees that, with hindsight, there should be an age limit of 50 for IVF treatment for women in this country.

Mrs Tollefsen said: ‘Freya is without doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life, and I have no regrets. But with the benefit of hindsight I recognise that perhaps some of my critics were right.

‘I get a great emotional feeling when I look at her and a sadness when I realise time’s running out. If I could change just one thing I would wish to be younger so I could enjoy watching Freya grow up, get married and have children of her own.

‘I’m doing my best to raise her to be completely independent but the prospect of her being taken from me, if I die, particularly when she’s still young, breaks my heart.’

She also admits that Freya’s arrival changed the rhythm of day-to-day life with her partner. ‘Right from the start it was a shock, and shock’s not good for the elderly!’ said Mrs Tollefsen.

How the Mail on Sunday reported the offer of extra IVF treatment

Like so many parents with young children, the pressures and responsibility began to pull the couple apart.

‘I felt as if my whole world revolved round Freya and yet Nick was passionate about West Ham. I felt there was four of us in this family – me, Freya, Nick and the Hammers,’ she said.

‘Every Saturday he wanted to go and watch them, either home or away, and some weekdays. I felt as if he didn’t want his life to change at all after Freya came along, even though mine had changed completely.

‘I realise that we didn’t communicate well. That wasn’t a problem when we only had ourselves to consider, but it became an ever-widening gap after Freya was born.’

Mrs Tollefsen became what was then Britain’s oldest first-time mother after having IVF treatment at a Russian clinic in 2008, where she conceived Freya with a donor egg and sperm from her partner.

Early last year she became the oldest person ever to be offered further fertility treatment by a British clinic when both she and Mr Mayer planned a second child. The offer came from doctors at the private London Women’s Clinic in Harley Street who unanimously agreed to help her conceive again.

Mrs Tollefsen defended her right to have another child despite her age and health problems, including being deaf in one ear and having a replaced knee, but the couple eventually decided not to go ahead.



Happier times: Susan with Freya and her ex-partner, Nick Mayer

Mrs Tollefsen said: ‘If I’m completely honest, my experience has taught me that 50 should probably be the cut-off limit for having children, but until you have them it’s almost impossible to appreciate that.

‘It’s so true that you only learn by your own mistakes, and my mistake was not to have had her sooner.’

Government guidelines recommend doctors do not offer IVF to women over 40 on the NHS, and private clinics will generally refuse to treat women older than 50.

The health-rationing watchdog NICE is considering whether to scrap the age limit in favour of treating women based on tests which estimate how many eggs they have left.

Mrs Tollefsen is candid about the pressures of parenting at an age when many of her peers are settling into retirement. She added: ‘One thing I didn’t realise I would encounter is the difference between myself and some of the other mums at the school gates. They are nice people but we are so different – we are from different generations.

‘I have little in common with most of them. They talk about nights out and music and things that just don’t involve me. There are times when I feel on the periphery among them. Sometimes I envy them their youth and infinite chances.

‘I realised, belatedly, that I wanted a sibling for Freya but regretfully I had to devote the time to nursing my parents.'

‘I realised, belatedly, that I wanted a sibling for Freya but regretfully I had to devote the time to nursing my parents.

‘But perhaps, more than most, I now know the real value of the time that’s left to us and I don’t intend to waste a moment.

‘One advantage of being my age is the wisdom you gain from experience and I intend to make the most of every second I get to share with my daughter – I never want it to end.’

She also confesses how tiring is it at times to cope, after separating from her partner and moving out of their home in Laindon, Essex, to live nearby. She brings up Freya on her own, on a tight income that includes her pension, while her daughter sees her father every fortnight, staying with him for a weekend.

‘I never imagined it would work out this way,’ Mrs Tollefsen said. ‘I’ve never regretted having Freya but I’ve had to pay a heavy price for my dream of being a mother. In fact, it’s cost me my relationship. You think you’re madly in love with someone and you just don’t realise what they’re going to be like after you’ve had children.’

Warehouse manager Mr Mayer is 49 and it was his comparative youthfulness that silenced many who criticised Mrs Tollefsen for having a baby so late in life.

‘A lot of the criticism I faced was based on my age, with claims that Freya would be abandoned in the event of my death,’ she said. ‘But Nick is still in his 40s. There are many older dads with younger wives, such as Michael Douglas and Rod Stewart. When they father children they get a slap on the back – none of the criticism I’ve faced.

‘Having Freya has been the very best experience of my life. But it has been bitter-sweet. It exposed my relationship to be less than I hoped for and having Freya has taught me that life, at any point, is for living and far too short to be wasted.’

Mr Mayer said: ‘We’re living separately for various reasons. I’d prefer us all to be living together but that’s just not the case – but who knows what’ll happen in the future.’

Peter Bowen-Simpkins, medical director of the London Women’s Clinic, said that since agreeing in principle to help Mrs Tollefsen have a second baby at 59 the clinic had introduced an upper age limit of 55.