bullet Gavin Belson Returns to Hooli as CEO

By: C.J. Cantwell

After heroically negotiating “Action” Jack Barker’s release from the Chinese factory where he was held hostage, Gavin Belson has pulled off another coup closer to home, reclaiming the CEO spot he lost to Barker only months ago. The Hooli Board announced that they are “thrilled to have the talents of our founder back at the helm.” Belson added, “And it’s good to be back. I’m also returning as the Chairman of the Board, so I wrote that last statement.”

Now-exited Barker faced enormous challenges after his recent Hooli-Con keynote fail, where HooliPhones across the venue violently exploded during his grand finale with once-hot- now-not wunderkind Keenan Feldspar. Barker made an admirable, if misguided, attempt to counter the tragedy with a total recall and replacement of HooliPhones, which is why he was visiting the Hooli factory in China when the workers took him hostage, demanding improved working conditions and wages.

While Barker fumbled through leading one of the greatest tech companies the Valley has ever seen, Belson’s whereabouts were unknown. It seems, however, his need to focus on “spiritual wellness and family” has been satiated. Belson told the press, “Hooli can always count on me to go the distance.”