I received my gift on a clear Wednesday afternoon.

I picked it up form my apartment manager, no questions asked.

Upon receipt of the package in question I checked the address of the sender, turns out the UPS store in Highlands Ranch, CO is a redditor.

Being a professional shipper, the box was a pain in the ass to open. Just the way I like it. I had to rip pieces here, tear some pieces there, good manly ass-shit fun.

Once the box was fully open another box lay inside, this one being less UPS-y. The box was held closed with scotch tape, not the normal packing tape a UPS store would typically use, but fuck it, its the holidays.

After removing the box from the first box, I noticed a bow and a tag attached to the box. The tag read "To: Racist_Jerry From: Santa.

Upon closer inspection of this tag, I noticed it was placed upon what I can only assume was the original tag with the names of the recipient and givers of this gift. The original tag read "To Diana Love From: Grandmom and Granddad. At this point I was thinking one of two things happened here, either this gift was stolen at said UPS store and then given to me in which case the UPS store is filled with scumbags, OR this person who gave me this gift is a regifter, which I think is the manliest ass-shit way of giving a present.

To my dismay, this box was much easier to open, no ripping or tearing needed. With the box opened I could finally see the gift that the UPS store had either very wrongly stolen from Diana or the gift that Diana had received from her grandparents and then regifted to me.

The contents of the gift are as follows: 4 "her pleasure" condoms 4 "twisted pleasure" condoms 2 "fire and ice" condoms 2 "intense ribbed" condoms 1 bottle of personal lubricant 1 note with the following written on it: Hey, racist_jerry, I didn't know what to get you, so i went out and got you some manly ass-shit. I sincerely hope that you plow some major poontang with this stuff man. Or butthole, whichever you prefer, its all cool. Have a happy holiday season and get out there and rip up some snatch. Happy Holidays

I was very surprised by this, as while opening the gift I was leaning toward the notion that the UPS store had stolen the gift. However I am now sure that Diana received the gift from her grandparents, but then contracted condom-melting HIV and, therefore had no use for the gift and decided to regift.

Diana is a very thoughtful and caring person, and I'd like to thank her for a number of things: 1. Working at the UPS store. Man I'd fucking hate it there, but she's there day in day out, getting shit done and not stealing other people's condoms.

After contracting condom-melting HIV she has sworn off all forms of sex, even masturbation (evidence: she gave me the lube). For thinking that me, as a redditor, would ever need anything like lube and condoms (cue Yao Ming face, 5-ever alone face).

Thank you Diana, UPS store worker, you have made my December 14th a day to look back on and wonder if the mystery of the secong tag was actually solved correctly.

-racist_jerry

tl;dr haiku: condoms, lube given by HIV infected Diana awesome