Steve Almond: I’d focus on this insight, which is both a diagnosis of your dilemma and its cure: I’m becoming someone I don’t like. That’s the bottom line here. This man’s behaviors are despicable, unsurprising and ultimately irrelevant. They belong to him. What matters here are your actions and the motives that drive them. As Cheryl advises, you should extricate yourself from this toxic dynamic as quickly as you can. But it’s worth asking why you participated in a relationship that converted your desire for intimacy into a form of torture. That’s the emotional pattern you describe here: a relationship in which you’re enthralled for a few minutes, then rejected, unsatisfied, guilty, jealous and vengeful for the balance of your life. It’s perfectly natural that you would ask us why you can’t seem to quit such an affair. But you’ll find the strength to walk away, I suspect, when you start demanding an answer from yourself.

CS: You assert that leaving your job — and this affair — is difficult because no one makes you feel the way the dad does, yet your description of how he makes you feel is utterly miserable. I want to echo Steve in saying it’s important that you explore the question of why you’ve become involved with someone who so clearly lacks the capacity to give you anything you want or deserve, preferably with the guidance of a therapist. But I also hope you’ll be gentle with yourself as you disentangle this man from your life and your psyche. It might be true that in your relationship with him you’re enacting a dysfunctional pattern from your childhood, but it might also be true that you’ve simply gotten yourself into a romantic pickle. You aren’t the first one to conflate “insanely hot” with something that might be love, and you won’t be the last. The scenarios you describe — a secret affair, unconsummated lust, an older man messing around with a younger female subordinate (which is heightened further still by the daddy/babysitter dynamic) — are all straight out of the crank-up-the-heat erotic playbook. Cliché as they are, they’re also powerful, and when we are under their spell, our perception is clouded. This is another reason it’s imperative you remove yourself from your employer’s sphere.

SA: It’s vital that you’re honest with yourself about how and why you got involved with this man. My sense is that a skilled therapist would help, if you can afford to see one . Because beneath all your defensive emotions — the rage and self-recrimination — are more vulnerable emotions: disappointment and heartbreak. However damaging this relationship is, you feel a great deal for this man and his children. You’ve become a part of his family. Leaving all that behind is going to be painful before it becomes empowering. A therapist, or even a support group, will help you sort out your feelings about all this, as well as your motives. Cheryl and I have stressed understanding, and taking responsibility for, your role. But it’s equally important that you recognize the power dynamics here. This man is a dozen years older than you. He’s your employer. He’s the engineer of this adulterous arrangement. And yet, when you think about this affair in relation to his children, you write, “If this comes out, I’d ruin their lives.” Huh? Not only does this suggest that he is blameless, it overlooks the fact that your own life is being ruined. Self-examination is essential here. So is self-forgiveness. You have to recognize the deepest truth here, which is that you deserve more than this man can give you. You’re worthy of a lover who doesn’t hold back or tuck you away in the margins of his life, a lover who nourishes and celebrates you. That’s not how it feels right now. But with enough faith in yourself and hard work it will.