A potential city-wide apocalypse, a politician’s whoopsie-daisy incest tweet, and a mystery cat named Genny — the 2019 election in Grand Rapids is wild. Could this be the ballot that determines whether or not the mouth of hell itself yawns open to swallow the city whole? No. Definitely not. That’s all absolutely sensational bullshit, hyperbolized to get your attention and lead you to read up and vote on Tuesday.

If you don’t want to read a whole goddamn article, here are our selections:

- Rosalynn Bliss for Mayor.

- Allison Lutz if you’re in the First Ward.

- Flip a coin if you’re in the Second Ward.

- Kathryn Dilley for Public Library board of commissioners.

- Vote yes on the millage for Grand Rapids parks.

But if you need the hot goss to inform your vote, read on my noble kittens.

1. Mayor Rosalynn Bliss vs. Our Slow, Grating Descent into Gilead

Who Should Get Your Vote: Rosalynn Bliss

Incumbent Mayor Rosalynn Bliss is almost too good, especially when compared to her opponent. She’s an adjunct social studies professor at Grand Valley State University and was elected in 2015 after serving a decade as second ward commissioner. She has a master’s degree in social work from Michigan State University and a bachelor’s degree in psychology and criminal justice from the University of South Alabama. She’s the first woman to be elected mayor in the city’s history.

Pictured: Grand Rapids Mayor Rosalynn Bliss, being not-weird.

Meanwhile, her opponent Daniel Schutte is a 65-year old Christian pastor who believes the city of Grand Rapids may be destined for God’s holy wrath ala Sodom and Gomorrah thanks to murderous women and doctors (the implication, of course, is that his election could prevent this).

Pictured: Danielle Schutte, attempting to … sigh … invoke sympathy and appeal to a wider audience by decorating his murder-sign in mutilated doll corpses.

Bliss actually has a tangible plan for Grand Rapids with a focus on practical initiatives like street infrastructure (focusing on improved mobility), economic development and job training, police transparency, and the implementation of the city’s Parks and Recreation master plan.

Schutte’s proposed answer to the city’s struggles with drastic rent inflation, low housing rates, and volatile homeownership costs is just encouragement to start a bible study.

Now, I don’t want to call Schutte a religious neo-fascist (but I’m going to anyway). His other proposed policies are both absurd and spit in the face of American free democratic principles — especially the first amendment (both free speech and separation of church and state).

He’s seeking election to “proclaim Jesus Christ” and calls for a religious theocracy in which the populous lives happily by principles “given to us in God’s holy scriptures — the bible” (a plan that seems to conveniently forget the 48% of Grand Rapids residents who don’t identify as Christian). He directly disavowed separation of church and state in favor of legislation favoring Christianity, saying: “it won’t be a utopia … but it will be much better.”

It gets weirder. He proposed criminalization of profanity during police encounters, which would violate the first amendment. That’s not just my opinion, it’s the opinion of the Supreme Court. You may think Schutte is just spouting some trivial conservative law and order bullshit here, but there’s actually a very long, dark, and very, very racist history to “contempt of cop” arrests. So fuck that.

He also wants to make it illegal to physically assault police officers, which — you know … was always illegal.

Plus, Schutte defines abortions recipients and doctors who have performed the procedures as “murderers.” That language gets people killed when taken seriously by true believers. He’s a pastor at The Inner City Church Planting Mission with two churches in Grand Rapids (Division Street Fellowship and Butterworth Street Fellowship).

2. Of Cats & Cops: Booze Guy vs. Drama Nerd for Grand Rapids First Ward Commissioner

Who Should Get Your Vote: Drama Nerd (Allison Lutz)

This one is like a high-school student council election on Red Bull. You get to choose between Allison Lutz, the drama club brainiac who’s great at making costumes, or Jon O’Connor, the guy who can totally get you booze.

I didn’t actually have any friends in high school, so I’m just assuming that’s how it worked based on TV.

I’m a shallow high-schooler at heart, so originally I wanted to pick the guy who would get me drunk. Jon O’Connor co-founded and co-owns the nationally revered Long Road Distillery. He served on the Grand Rapids Public Schools Board of Education from 2010 to 2014, and has the endorsement of Mayor Bliss (along with former mayor George Heartwell among others). He seemed like the obvious choice.

Meanwhile, 22-year-old Allison Lutz is the dark horse. She was an honors student who studied biopsychology at GVSU, who is now a customer service rep at a marketing firm. She has no prior political experience (though she does have extensive volunteer experience). When I sat down to read Mlive’s side-to-side Q&A pitting her against O’Connor on nothing but the issues, I thought she’d be in over her head.

I was wrong.

Even a quick skim of the Q&A shows her answers are equivalent, if not better than O’Connor’s.

No candidate is perfect so I made a list of Lutz’s pros and cons here:

Pros:

-Progressive views on police reform.

-Progressive views on housing reform, income inequality and economic development.

-Neat glasses, probably means she’s real smart.

-Refuses to take money from PACs.

-Has a cat named Genny.

Cons:

-Thinks the West side is the best side, which is factually incorrect and unconstitutional.

-Photo of Genny not on website.

Pictured: Some cat that’s not Genny, just ’cause we really needed a cat in this article.

There’s lots to like about Lutz. She’s super articulate. I don’t count that she’s young and working class against her. We need elected officials who know what it’s like to stress over bus fare, and how to open a PDF file.

Also, unlike many local candidates, she’s not quick to play up sensationalistic fears of crime to garner votes — in fact, she notes that environmental safety and economic security are just as important to community safety as safety from crime.

Community-police relations mark the starkest contrast between the two candidates. Police brutality, and hostility between citizens and law enforcement are a nationwide issue— but Grand Rapids in particular is not scoring so well on the topic at the moment (or ever). Whenever O’Connor is questioned on reform, he sounds sponge-spined — going as far as to say we should hire more community officers, and be patient while officials determine if any reform actually needs to be made.

Meanwhile, I’ll just end this section with Lutz’s entire police reform quote from Mlive.com because it’s fuckin’ good and she’s kinda the new saint I pray to:

“The relationship between our community and police will improve when the entire community feels that they can rely on police to adequately protect them, free of potential bias and related outcomes. We need to acknowledge that our current policing and criminal justice system fails to do this, and continue to take the necessary steps to fix it. I believe that the most important steps we can take regarding GRPD are to provide better training, create clear guidelines geared towards minimizing use of force, ensuring police aren’t using surveillance in a biased manner, and holding police accountable when they fail to meet the high standards that we as a community should hold them to.”

I would, however, like Long Road Distillery and any PACs to know that I don’t share Lutz’s incorruptibility and would gladly rewrite this for money and free alcohol.

Also, for real, where’s Genny? Can we see Genny?

3. Wendy Falb vs. Milinda Ysasi for Grand Rapids Ward 2 Commissioner: The Winner is a Ghost

Who Should Get Your Vote: Wendy Falb’s Mom

Ok, so she technically isn’t running for Commissioner in the second ward of Grand Rapids — but I was doing research on this election and guys: Wendy Falb’s mom is so dang cool.

She was the first woman to run for office in her hometown, and she actively opposed nuclear proliferation by circulating petitions that read “no nukes” through churches and community meetings. That’s how you rebel against the system, folks.

“ACAB.” — Wendy Falb’s mom.

But since we can’t have the perfect candidate, we’ll have to do with either Wendy Falb or Milinda Ysasi. Both candidates are experienced women with solid platforms.

Wendy Falb was on the Grand Rapids Public School Board of Education for almost 10 years, and is currently the executive director of the Literacy Center of West Michigan (a non-profit). She’s endorsed by former Mayor George Heartwell, Senator Winnie Brinks, Representative David LaGrand, and Representative Rachel Hood. Her priorities include fiscal responsibility, improved city assets including parks and streets, additional mobility options, and active representation of city residents and neighborhood business owners.

Meanwhile, Milinda Ysasi is the director of the non-profit The SOURCE. She’s on several local boards that include the Grand Rapids Public Safety Board, the Equitable Economic Development Board, the Mobile GR Steering Committee, and the Mayor’s Racial Equity Initiative. She’s endorsed by local commissioners. Plus, she serves breakfast tacos to her volunteers — and as someone easily bought with food, that’s a win in my book. Her priorities are employment and business opportunities, accessible public safety systems, and infrastructure and community development.

4. Grand Rapids Parks Millage Proposal: Do it for the Trees

What You Should Vote: Yes

Without this proposal, the parks in Grand Rapids lose funding. The current millage was established in 2013 and expires in 2020. This millage will stand permanently, keeping the parks funded so you have a place to go play with your kids, your dogs, or just by yourself if you’re a weirdo.

“But taxation is theft!” you’re thinking like not just a complete buffoon, but a complete buffoon who doesn’t own a dictionary and is thus incapable of learning that taxation and theft have wildly different definitions. Well, to that I have two responses:

Grow up. The tax increase will only impact homeowners, who will only see an increase of approximately $1.38 per month, and in trade the city will be able to invest $5 million dollars per year into the parks system. Seems worth it.

So vote yes for trees and stuff.

“For real, fucking vote, I’m sick of your goddamn shit.” — Tree

5. Public Library Board of Commissioners: A Take-No-Prisoners Throwdown

Who Should Get Your Vote: Kathryn Dilley

This one’s a straight up street brawl — it’s a tiger-blooded 68-year-old retired art/english teacher named Kathryn Dilley who’s hungry for the power to teach more kids how to read vs. Jonathan Helder, an accountant church-dad who can crunch numbers and bones at an equally bizarre and unnerving rate. There’s no telling how weird this fight could get.

“If they put one of ours in the hospital, we’ll put six of theirs in the morgue.” -Kathryn Dilley, probably.

Kathryn Dilley taught elementary/secondary art and english for 38 years, and wants the library board seat to continue promoting literacy.

Helder is the Advancement Director for the All Belong Center for Inclusive Education (formerly the Christian Learning Center Network), a nonprofit that works with Christian schools and churches to provide equal opportunity education. He wants to use his fundraising background to help the library offer more programs.

“The tall ones don’t permit women to teach or have authority over men … I must silence her.” - Jonathan Helder just before his eyes roll back and glow blood red. They are nearly come. He must prepare the earth as their vessel.

Dilley wins here because if there’s one lesson life will beat you over the head with repeatedly, it’s not to cross the unassuming little, old lady who spent her whole life teaching english and art to children at their most unbearable age.

Sure, Helder spent a long time working for a non-profit but it’s a Christian non-profit that specifically only serves kids in Christian schools and churches. I know it’s like looking a gift horse in the mouth (and I’ve been called a cynic), but I take a bit of issue with it. Religious charities can be useful and they can do a lot of good — but is it really altruism when the only people you’re willing to or positioning yourself to help are the ones that follow your religion? Seems like pure self-interest.

Plus he has a creepy Twitter account (by the handle @professionaldad), where he took time to follow family members and upload a personal photo, but never shared anything beyond some automated spam tweets about his sister’s sexy pics and some great ways to make extra income from home. A little weird he hasn’t taken care of that yet, but I know someone he could hire to handle his social media if he wants (it’s me).

Ultimately this is a low-stakes election, with no clear good-guy but my bias is always going to be toward the cool english/art teacher.

Note for Transparency:

Mayor Rosalynn Bliss wrote the forward to an upcoming non-fiction book I was paid to edit and hone narratively with the author. As of this post, I have never met or spoken with Mayor Bliss. To my knowledge, she didn’t contribute monetarily to the book or my paycheck in any way.