I’m a well-educated young woman in my early thirties, and I know it’s important to take care of myself.

That’s why I spend half my salary on beauty products.

I recently asked my doctor about some of these items and was disappointed when she told me it’s a bunch of bullshit.

While I have always been a rational person who cares about the facts, I choose to believe that my doctor doesn’t actually know what she’s talking about.

We all know it’s what you choose to believe that matters, so here are some of my favorite things!

Let’s start with Shaman Black Charcoal Soap.

This soap is “inspired by the purification ceremonies of modern-day Korea’s female shamans, known as Mudang.”

Well, Mu-Dang! This stuff works!

Sorry to you Fifty Shades fans (do you exist?) — these aren’t rectangular versions of those balls you put in your vagina.

This shaman-certified soap definitely has spiritual meaning.

My doctor told me this is not a thing, but like I said, she really doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s not immersed in the blogosphere.

Moving on to Sun Potion Ashwagandha.

I’m telling you — you ashwagandHAVE TO HAVE IT!

Add this powdered root to your smoothies for “immune health, sexual vitality, and harmonized mood.”

Say goodbye to that seasonal cold, tell your significant other to prepare his loins, and get to know your new harmonized self.

I think they collect this powder by scraping the surface of the sun.

Either way, Dr. Mackie is ignorant and this product for sure works.

Now let’s talk about Detox Body Oil.

If you’re anything like me, you are in a constant battle with all those feisty toxins that definitely exist.

You can clear some toxins by dry-brushing, some by drinking green juice, and some through shavasana, but for the millions that are still flowing through your disgusting bloodstream, try this hydrating oil.

Dr. Mackie said toxins aren’t a thing, but like I said, she’s kind of a bitch.

It’s important that we discuss the Church Candle.

Light this candle and you will instantly hear a gospel choir belting Sam Smith’s “Pray” to the high heavens.

This candle got its name because it reminds you of church.

And by church, I mean SoulCycle.

The scent is a mix of “cypress smoke, snow, and sensual quiet.” As we all know, church is a sensual place.

At least it is for me when I see my across-the-street neighbor on Christmas Eve (Philip has the most piercing green eyes).

It’s all about the mind-body connection, and for me, that’s been true for this candle. Hashtag blessed, you guys.

Dr. Mackie says that this candle has no health benefits, but keep in mind that she only went to Rutgers.

I can’t wait to share this GOOPGLOW Morning Skin Super Powder with you all.

Dr. Mackie says that “glow” isn’t a medical term, but I’m like, “Sure, Carol.”

At first it was all about creams, then it was serums, and now it’s powders.

This powder includes things your doctor will be familiar with like vitamins C and E, but also has “proanthocyanidins,” “lutein” and “zeaxanthin.”

The last two seem to have something to do with eye health, which is not what I thought we were going for here, but it can’t hurt (and better to see Philip with)!

Drop a scoop of this glowy goodness into a glass of warm water in the morning, drink up, and you’ll feel full.

Well, not “full” full. I haven’t felt full in years.

We also need to talk about Adaptogenic Lattes.

Carol flat-out laughed when I brought this up, but like I said, she’s a dumb bitch who didn’t even match at any good med schools, and probably needs some of this stuff more than anyone.

Research has found that adaptogens benefit your body across two axes: the HPA axis and the SAS.

Carol asked me where I found this “research,” and I don’t recall, but that shouldn’t matter because whenever you see acronyms, you know it’s real science.

This brings me to the Lift and Sculpt Butterfly Stone.

A butterfly-shaped rose quartz facial massager, this stone is a scientifically-proven miracle worker.

Rub this on your face in an upward circular motion with a dab of the aforementioned detox oil.

I knew I needed to lift and sculpt my ass, but until this product, I did not realize I should also be lifting and sculpting my face.

This does make sense when you think about it, because we all know the face is the butt of the head.

When I said this to Dr. Mackie, she stared at me for a full minute before getting up and leaving the room.

I recently tried to make a follow-up appointment with her, but the admin told me I had driven Carol to quit the practice, and maybe the field of medicine.

Whoa! That woman needs an energy recalibration! She really should have listened to me about those crystals.