A few days ago, I posted this, my new favorite Archie panel:

The appeal here should be pretty obvious, but it’s worth noting that while this is the weirdest panel in the story–I’m still not sure whether “BLORT!” is someone’s name or just a rare example of Riverdalien profanity–the rest of it is almost equally insane.

The story in question is “The Visit,” recently reprinted in Tales From Riverdale Digest #35, though where it was originally published is anybody’s guess. I suspect, though, that it’s from one of the mid-70s “serious” titles, probably Life with Archie, as it has the same distinct brand of madness that you’ll find in stories about perfume counterfieters or renegade brain surgeons, only magnified to the power of Kirby.

It all starts–of course–with a meteor shower:

Clearly, there are alien shennanigans afoot! So afoot, in fact, that the very next day…

…Archie, Betty and Veronica are accosted by Bjordu, who shows up out of nowhwere and immediately starts penetrating the girls.

With his eyes, I mean.

Over the next few pages, it becomes clear that Bjordu intends to kidnap Betty and Veronica and take them back to the Fourth World for what he claims is SCIENCE! but that I think we can all agree is more along the lines of an interplanetary three-way. Archie makes a valiant–read: completely ineffective–attempt to stop him, but they vanish for a few pages and Archie gets caught in a miniature tornado.

And that’s when things start to get weird.

Because that’s when Bjordu’s sister shows up.

I say “sister,” because that’s how she’s referred to in the story, but for a blood relative, she seems awfully angry that Bjordu has selected Betty and Veronica for their experiments, noting that he has taken “two of the kind that appeal to you” but neglected poor Archie.

So angry, in fact, that she tries to kill Betty and Veronica with lightning bolts.

At this point, the metaphors pretty much break down completely, and Sister (I thought she might be the BLORT! mentioned above, but that’s how she’s referred to in the narration) decides that if Bjordu’s going to take Betty and Veronica, she’s going to take Archie:

Eventually, this interstellar lovers’ tiff ends–more out of the fact that they’ve filled up 11 pages than for any attempt at an in-story reason–and Bjordu and Sis fade into their spaceship and leave three very confused teenagers in their wake:

Archie Andrews, everybody: America’s Typical Teen!