I’ve been dating a wonderful man for about a year and things are pretty serious. He is the man I want to be with for the long haul. We’ve discussed marriage and children, and are in agreement that marriage would come first (ideally). He 110% wants kids. I’m not so sure.

I’ve worked with kids in various capacities from my teenage years on, and with the whole gamut of ages. I like kids. They can be adorable, but they can also be huge pains. If I’m with children for more than an hour at a time, my patience quickly wears thin. At one point, I worked at a daycare and nearly every day wanted to pull my hair out in frustration. Even babysitting just a couple kids, I do it only for the money. If I wasn’t making money, I probably wouldn’t want to be in the same room as children for an extended period of time. In general (of course there are exceptions) I can’t stand babies, love toddlers, like preschoolers, barely tolerate elementary-middle schoolers, and somewhat like high schoolers. If I could keep a child at the toddler age forever, I’d want one right now. But that’s not how it works. I digress…

I am well aware of the joys of parenting, and have wonderful parents who gave me an amazing childhood. However, from working with kids, I also know the nitty-gritty and the mundane ugliness of raising children.

I also have concerns about what kind of world I would be bringing a child into. This isn’t utopia. Depression and anxiety runs rampant through my family. My boyfriend’s family has their share of genetic goodies. The world is a scary place. I’d be adding to my anxiety levels ten times over if I had a child(ren) running about.

The world has way too many people for my taste, and 95% of them frustrate and annoy me. We’re running out of resources. We’re wasteful and materialistic. People in general kind of suck. When I imagine the world 100 years from now, I see a rather bleak picture. Why would I subject an innocent child (and potential grandchildren) to that? Yes, there is the potential that my child could be the one to cure cancer or [insert amazing feat here], but the likelihood of that is pretty much nil. It’s more likely that I will just be adding another selfish, materialistic, consumer (like me) to a world that needs far fewer. This potential child will have heartbreak and pain, and a thousand other things I cannot protect them from. Is life worth living? Overall, I guess so, but usually life is a lot of long depressing valleys interspersed with short peaks of goodness. Do I want to make another human go through all those valleys just to experience the fleeting peaks of happiness?

I also am extremely introverted. I work and go to school, and then I have a solid 5-6 hours of alone time before I go to bed. I relish that time. I need that time. If I had a child, my alone time would be cut drastically. I need at least a couple hours alone every day to just work out my thoughts and get things done. I have great difficulty accomplishing things if I can’t cut out a solid block of time to focus.

I, like every other human, like sleeping. I’m not one of those people who can function on less than 6 hours of sleep. I can get by on 6.5 hours, but less than that makes me grouchy, moody, and depletes my patience even faster. I don’t like to think about what the first six months of a potential baby’s life would be like if I’m running on 5 or less hours of sleep a night. Also, my boyfriend needs more sleep than I do… not sure what he would do if his sleep suddenly got cut.

Lastly, my boyfriend wants 4 kids. I only want 1. Maybe 2… maybe. I just don’t think I could handle more than one and keep my sanity. Parenting is not like a day job that you can clock out of. If they get sick at 2 am, you’re up with them. If they need to go to the doctor, you have to take them. If they can’t sleep, you have to deal with it. If work is stressful and the kids are being fussy in the evening and won’t let you relax, too bad. Once the kids are at the age where they start having sports practices, or school plays, or cub scouts… you now have sports practice, school plays, or cub scouts. Your free time goes out the window. Like I said, I value my alone time, and I need a lot of it. And once they turn 18, there’s no guarantee they’ll be self-sufficient. Hell, I was a lot older than 18 before I moved out of my parents’ house.

Oh, and then once I have an empty nest, my parents will be at the age where they might start needing help. I exchange an adult child for another adult child so to speak. Will my child feel the same sense of duty / being trapped, and feel like they have to take care of me in my old age? I wouldn’t want that for them.

Boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties, and I will not be done with my schooling until closer to 30. After I’m done with school, I’d like to work for a couple years at least before having a baby. At this point, I’m thinking I’d want to put the baby in daycare after a month or two of maternity leave, and get right back to work. If I’ve put in all this effort to go through school and get a good job that I like, I’ll want to be working! I don’t want to be a stay at home mom. I’ll either go the daycare route, or hire a nanny. But that makes me think that I really don’t want to be the one raising my own child… so why have a child at all?

Boyfriend wants children. No doubt in his mind. My parents want grandchildren. I’m not going to have a baby just to make my parents and my boyfriend happy. I think a child should be wanted 100%. Accidental pregnancies happen of course, but in an ideal world, every child would be planned and wanted. So, if I have kids, I want to want them. But at this point, I’m really on the fence. The thing is, with my boyfriend being so sure about it, I’d hate to have us get married in the next couple years and me decide I don’t want kids. Then we’d be married to partners who want completely opposite things. Even if we don’t marry in the next few years, I don’t want to waste his time (or my own) on this relationship if we’ll end up having different goals for our lives. How can I know what future me will want? My 30 year old self may be in baby fever mode, or I might be ambivalent. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend by being with him for several years and then us having to end the relationship because he wants kids and I don’t.

Is it likely I’ll change my mind? Will I want kids in a few years? Or do I already have my answer… and I need to make a difficult decision about my relationship? Anyone have a similar experience and care to share?