What did you do this weekend? Did it require multiple units of police back-up? Did it involve a wedding, a stun gun, a drunk 14-year-old, and someone grabbing a cop’s dick? Did it go down in the self-proclaimed Pretzel Capital of the World? If you answered “What is the Pretzel Capital of the World?” to one or more of these questions, shut up and hear me now: You are not one quarter cool as this couple, whose love may one day die, but whose recent insane nuptials will thankfully live forever—in the form of an incredible police report.

The unnamed bride and her groom, 31-year-old Nicholas Papoutsis were celebrating their love for one another, and also alcohol and fighting, in Pennsylvania’s Ontelaunee Township Saturday when everyone apparently went nuts.

Pretty much the best party recap I’ve ever read, via the New York Daily News:

The wedding night fight at the Blue Falls Grove venue started when a guest noticed that the 14-year-old was drunk. The woman scolded the boy’s mom for letting the teen guzzle beer at the reception. “The mother responded with a punch to that woman’s face,” [Northern Berks Regional Police Chief Scott] Eaken said. As the two women started to brawl, a third wedding guest tried to break up the fight — but the dueling women punched him and broke his glasses, police said. By the time cops arrived, there were drunken “fights everywhere,” Eaken said. “We went there with the intent of telling everyone to leave and go home, but that unfortunately didn’t happen,” Eaken said. Instead, the groom challenged the cops to a duel.

Crazy! So does the story get any better, I’m sure you’re wondering? Hell yeah it gets better!

According to local paper the Reading Eagle, after “being berated and threatened” by a crowd of party-hearty drunks, the responding officers called for backup. Lots of backup.

Units from the Fleetwood, Hamburg, Penn State Berks and Wyomissing departments responded, along with Bern, Spring, Tilden and Muhlenberg police and two Reading police K-9 units. The Berks County sheriff’s office sent a prisoner transport vehicle.

Before their backup arrived, however, the cops tasered a guest who was allegedly forcibly blocking their entry to the banquet hall. The stun gun “had no effect” on the man, who shortly thereafter grabbed the dick of one of the officers. From the Reading Eagle:

The man, Brian R. Pelker, 46, of the 400 block of Hill Road, South Heidelberg Township, refused to get out of the way, yelled at officers and took on a fighting stance. After warning him to get out of the way. Barrow used a stun gun on him to no effect. He tried to use the stun gun again but Pelker only got more aggressive, so Barrow took him down with a baton. Once on the ground, Pelker struggled with officers and grabbed one of them in the crotch before he was subdued.

Around the same time, officers noticed the bride collapsed on the floor. She was later hospitalized with alcohol poisoning, as was the 14-year-old, who reportedly had a BAC of .16. Six people, including the groom, were arrested and four officers were hospitalized.

And they all lived happily ever after.