Simon’s Story

This story is told by Simon’s relative.

Simon is very quiet and gentle with a helpful nature, he avoids conflict in his life. He met Naomi as a naïve 19-year-old. They lived together for one year before getting married. Prior to the marriage, Naomi was very attentive, friendly and loving towards his family and a close bond was formed with all. However, there were already some questions about aggressive traits and particular incidents which Simon’s family had noticed. It was discovered later that Simon had already begun to be abused at this time but didn’t share it with anyone. They married and after 4 years their child was born. Naomi didn’t want a child and refused to take on the responsibility, resulting in Simon being the primary carer. A very strong bond between Simon and his son was formed, whereas Naomi ‘s reaction to their child was, “I never wanted him anyway” and “I hate him and wish I’d never had him”. Naomi would often put her own needs over those of their child.

When living together Simon was never allowed contact with family and friends unless Naomi was present. This meant that visits to a much-loved, dying grandparent had to be strictly limited.

When Naomi was working she would leave a list of tasks at home to be completed before he went to work, this would include household tasks like ironing her uniforms. These tasks would be checked on her return and there would be unpleasant consequences if they were not completed. Simon had to be available on-demand at all times to obey her, whether this was driving her where she wanted to go or taking care of their child while she slept. She spent beyond their means and got the family into serious debt.

Simon was hit on the head at least twice with a wooden breadboard; he had water poured over him; he was punched and scratched on several occasions resulting in injuries. On one occasion Simon was severely beaten and kicked lying on the floor for watching TV. This escalated and twice Simon was threatened with a knife at his throat.

When Naomi was in a bad mood, she would not allow him to eat anything. On many occasions, she would cook for herself and child but nothing for Simon, who was not allowed to provide his own meal. Simon was made to sleep on a sheet on the floor (even though there was a spare bed) for months and was allowed very little sleep even when he was on shift work.

Eventually, Simon found the courage to leave the marital home after disclosing some aspects of his life to a colleague, who helped him recognise he was being abused. Simon moved in with his mother who lived a short distance from his son. However, this was by no means the end of the abuse. Naomi began stalking Simon, at work and at his mother’s house, at all times of the day and night. She tried to sabotage his work by making calls to try and discredit him. At one point she called to say Simon was harassing her with text messages which prompted his senior colleague to investigate him. He didn’t find anything and advised Simon to find a mediator, which Simon did but Naomi refused to participate.

She contacted social services on two separate occasions to accuse Simon of physically abusing their child. She phoned Simon to inform him that she was going to contact social services again to tell them that his mother’s house was dirty, another ploy to try and halt contact with the child.

In order to help ensure that he could get in touch with his son, Simon bought a phone for him but Naomi did not allow their son to speak to his father on the phone. She took the phone away from him and still even now does not allow Simon to contact his son by phone.

Naomi decides when Simon sees his son and what time he goes home. She cancels arrangements at the last minute. She does not inform him of events at school, Simon has had to make a separate arrangement with the school in order to try to be part of his son’s school life. Simon is forced to have Naomi in his life and be in regular contact with her because of their child.

But Naomi makes it as hard as possible for him. She frequently goes against her lawyer’s advice and uses the child as a pawn to get what she wants, and she still refuses to attend mediation sessions.

Over the last few years, Naomi has feigned a variety of illnesses. At one point she maintained that she was being tested for a long-term debilitating illness. Simon’s grandparent had suffered from this illness for many years and eventually died of it. It had been very upsetting for the entire family to think that she may have this illness too. It is now apparent that this was all invented. It is thought that she made this up to try and get Simon back home.

At the moment Naomi is still trying to control every situation and often gets her own way, Simon is still suffering from the ongoing effects of the abuse.

A concerned relative contacted AMIS, and over a number of months talked through the support the family could give; potential support from Families need Fathers (now Shared Parenting Scotland) to support Simon in trying to regularise child contact or possibly even change residence for the child; and social work if any physical abuse was suspected, given the history of the abuser. The male did not contact AMIS himself, and after a time, the case was closed. We do not know the outcome, but it would not be unusual for the male, his child, his family and any future partner to face at least another decade of abuse from this ex-wife. The new Domestic Abuse (Scotland) 2018 legislation could help, potentially, but few men would pursue this, not wishing to get the mother of their child(ren) into trouble, only wishing that this controlling, debilitating behaviour – affecting the child as much as the father – would stop. The support of Simon’s family and work colleague was crucial for his survival. The consistent efforts made by Simon and his family never to give up in their efforts to spend time with the child and to provide good role models were crucial for him growing up, minimising as far as possible the long-term emotional effects.