You know how, around Thanksgiving, news programs and food magazines start rolling out stories about that turkey hotline you can call for cooking advice? Well Los Angeles now has its own version of that — except it’s all about craft beer, and it’s really, really funny.

All you have to do to dial into the LA Beer Hotline is call the number below (1-855-LA-BEERS) and you’ll be routed directly to Hal Mooney, the owner/operator of the popular LA Beer Hop craft beer bus tours. Mooney mans the phones from 10 a.m. to midnight daily, taking calls about everything from opening dates for new taprooms around the city to what beer pairs best with cigarettes (seriously).

Eater called the hotline direct today to ask some hard-hitting questions.

"What's the most hipster craft beer bar in town, and how do I get in?"

Button Mash in Echo Park. Great beer, video games, pinball and amazing food. You get in by not going after a Dodger game.

"What is LA's best single beer for drinking after a break up?"

Either Coffee Porter from Smog City because it pairs well with a full pint of ice cream or any Gose beer because that style of beer has salt in it... the same kind of salt that's in your tears.

"How do you do that thing where you take off a beer cap with just like a lighter or whatever?"

Go camping with a bunch of beer nerds. You'll learn a lot of practical ways to open a beer bottle. With a dollar bill, a ring, with your teeth (not recommended but I've seen it done), with a hard edge, or with another beer. It basically comes down to leverage and will power. You'll also learn how to light a match with one hand, shotgun a bottle of beer (shotgunning a can is easy), and how painful it is to beer bong a Slurpee.

"If I'm proposing to my girlfriend tonight, which beer should I toast with?"

You would want to go with something champagne-adjacent. Try a lambic-inspired beer from Beachwood Brewingecause it has that cork top that resembles champagne.

If I'm having a backyard barbecue and need something to replace an industrial light beer, what would you suggest?

The go-to would be Smog City's Little Bo' Pils. If you're in Downtown, try La Crema from Mumford Brewing. Over on the Westside, you can get Seafarer Kolsch from Three Weavers.

You’ve also got to love the old school ad Mooney and the LA Beer Hop team have put out. It’s got everything you want, including the swooping "Operators are standing by!" line, plus a corded phone held by someone desperate to provide answers. And, yes, as the ad states in the bottom left corner, this is a real thing. All you’ve got to do is call.