A purse full of snacks. Some for Hank, some for me. But seriously when he hits meltdown mode and I am more than 30 seconds away from something delicious for him to shove down his tiny baby throat having a bag of gold fish in my purse stops us both from losing our minds. I have been caught without the necessary supplies before. It was hell. Pure hell. We won’t be doing that again. Diapers & Wipes. I swear the second I think… “It’s okay; we are only going to be gone for a minute” Hank hears “Poop, and poop a lot. Make sure it is the liquidy kind that seeps out of your leak proof (Luvs) diapers that cost Mommy a million dollars a week.” “Oh make sure to get it on your clothes too. That will really help!” Have you ever had to put a poop covered baby back into their car seat???? That mess is pure insanity. There are no words to describe the smell, the fight, and the tears. Just bring the damn diaper bag. Every time. Mommy’s Friday morning doughnut. Judge me. Don’t judge me. I don’t care. I am eating that glazed doughnut every Friday morning. If that means I carry extra weight in my middle section for the rest of my natural born life then so be it. I can taste that son of a bitch by 10p.m. on Thursday night. Moms should all really have something they can look forward too. Wine. Or Beer. Or whatever your drink of choice is. And before you all start thinking I am some sort of drunk. I have one on a Friday or Saturday night. It’s something that he can’t have. Something I don’t have to share. Something I actually enjoy that makes me feel like a grown up and not just a mom. Plus it is freaking tastes good. Friends. Some with kids and some without. The ones with kids give me advice and counsel. They encourage me when I really think there is not one more thing I can handle. NOT ONE! But the gently (or not so) remind me that tomorrow is another day and the kid has to sleep at some point. And the ones without. They take me dancing and let me pretend to live frivolously. I am not a mom with them. I am a friend. A confidant. Just another white girl lookin’ a hot mess on the dance floor. Oh, I just looked in my purse for my work keys and I realized there were toys in there too. So do that. Throw some tiny crap in your bag that they will love. We went to Texas Road House last Saturday night (what was I thinking???) The wait was 50 minutes (!!!!!!) You know what saved my life that night?? A hot wheels and a dump truck that turns into a cell phone. Also polite strangers but mostly the fact that Mommy was sane enough to throw some things Hank could crash into each other in her purse before we went out for heaven in the form of hot buttery rolls. An outlet. Something that is just yours. Mine is this blog. It helps me get all the things running through my head into some sort of order. I can be nice, mean, insensitive, caring, thoughtful, whatever I want to be because no one can tell me I can’t. It is freaking glorious. Find your something. And don’t give it up.

Okay so to review. You will need a large bag full of food, toys, diapers, wipes, booze, sugary treats to savor for yourself, a link to the outside world ( both childbearing and non childbearing), and something that selfishly makes you feel better.

See kids are easier than you thought. You just need to be prepared.

If I am missing something PLEASE tell me. Moms don’t let other moms flounder around helplessly while they bask in the glory of survival. That shit just isn’t nice.