GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM—Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. “What the fuck,” said Flaxum, telling his fellow Zorlarts to come “check this shit out” and put their ear gills up to the speaker while he used a tendril to turn the record counter-clockwise so that Chuck Berry’s ‘Johnny B. Goode’ played in reverse. “There! You hear it? It’s saying, ‘Kill the Vorblox, children. Kill the Vorblox, children.’ Damn, this is some spooky shit. I’m not gonna be able to zard tonight, no fucking way.” At press time, the aliens had grown paranoid and were now fully convinced that some dark malevolent entity was trying to track them down them from afar.

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