I realize this isn’t the most dignified way to tell you about my experience with an AED (antiepileptic drug) called Topamax AKA Topiramate and it’s horrible extended release dipshit cousin Trokendi XR but, this is how words are coming out of my brain today. So, if the title hasn’t given you enough warning, I’d advise you to stop reading this if you are sensitive to bad language.

*side note – this is my first time not using a stock photo! yay! how does it look? I was feeling creative.

Let’s start off with what I have and, why I was prescribed this bowl of dog shit so that anyone new can get a good background on me. I have left temporal lobe epilepsy with associated myoclonus. I was diagnosed ( almost ) exactly one year ago and, have been fighting an uphill battle with finding the right medication ever since. It’s been a journey. If you would like to read about that specific journey (I promise it’s a good story) please click here to read Living With Epilepsy . Also follow me. Because you should, and I would really like it.

I had already tried two medications previously, Lamictal and Keppra. Neither worked and the first I was allergic to.This was prescribed in two different ways for me. First, the horrendous straight up 2x a day generic pill, the exact ones you see in the photo. And then, the extended release version,also in the photo, after the first was too “harsh”. I use quotations because that’s what my doctor said. Sweet guy but, he was a brand name pill pusher.

Let me show you the warnings that come with this drug and I will highlight in red what side effects I had:

“This medicine may cause the following problems:

Eye pain or vision changes, including glaucoma

Changes in body temperature

Metabolic acidosis (too much acid in the blood)

Kidney stones

This medicine may increase depression or thoughts of suicide. Tell your doctor right away if you start to feel more depressed or think about hurting yourself.

Other side effects include but are not limited to:

Allergic reaction: Itching or hives, swelling in your face or hands, swelling or tingling in your mouth or throat, chest tightness, trouble breathing

Bloody or cloudy urine, painful urination, sudden lower back or stomach pain

Changes in vision, eye pain

Confusion, problems with walking, clumsiness, dizziness, or trouble talking, concentrating, or remembering

Feeling agitated, depressed, nervous, or irritable, thoughts of hurting yourself or others, unusual mood or behavior

Fever

decreased sweating

Numbness, tingling, or burning pain in your hands, arms, legs, or feet

Rapid, deep breathing, loss of appetite, fast or uneven heartbeat

Vomiting, unusual drowsiness, tiredness, or weakness

Change in taste

Nausea, diarrhea

Stuffy or runny nose

Weight loss”

source: National Library of Medicine

Yeah, I had all shit happen to me. I lost 15 lbs, puked daily, couldn’t taste or feel carbonation on my tongue so soda tasted like it was flat and warm, also tomatoes tasted like vomit, and worst of all, Sriracha tasted like it was stepped in by a dirty hobo foot. I also was depressed for a solid 3 months. I couldn’t get out of bed, I was sad about everything. I was always exhausted. The stuffy and runny nose turned into getting the flu 3 times.

Because of the decreased sweating and overall fuckery of this medication you aren’t allowed to take normal medicines like Benadryl, medicines to help you sleep, ANY over the counter cold or flu medication or drink alcohol. Except, with the extended release version you couldn’t drink 6 hours before or after taking the pill. So there was a slim window that allowed me to drink. When I did though, it was a total shit show and not worth it. That also ruined my sisters’ 23rd birthday. It’s ok though, nobody likes you when you’re 23 (Blink182 reference, go me!), so I don’t feel too bad about that.

Not a single moment of relief happened.

During these 3 hellish months I lived off of Gatorade, Ritz crackers, Pepto Bismol and my hate fueled rage fests sponsored by:

Tremors – You Just Can’t Shake ‘Em .

That was bad. I’m done. I’ll stop now.

On to the sudden back pain and painful urination. Joy. That turned out to be a horrendous bitch of an endometrial cyst on my right ovary, Gina, that was unrelated to the medication but, at the time we thought it was a kidney stone.That shit hurt! Read about my endometriosis (I have two diseases, so lucky) here Endometriosis and How I Fixed It . I like shameless plugs, they feel good.

Now, in the fashion of a classy 8th grade report, let’s summarize. Topamax ruined me for 3 months, and never apologized for it. I puked, cried, shook, slept, coughed, sneezed and dropped everything for 3 months straight. It turned me into a giant, ragey (I stand by this as a word, back off spell check.) toddler easily provoked, very picky about food and, kicking the back of your airplane seat.

So, Fuck you Topamax

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