By the International Zionist Conspiracy

The twenty-first century is a pretty complex place. The world is teeming with more than seven billion souls, with international and domestic crises to manage absolutely everywhere. As you can imagine, the level of International Zionist Conspiracy involvement has never been higher, but the sheer number of events going on at any given time means that sometimes, even we can’t keep track of all our conspiracies.

It wasn’t always that way. Back when we assassinated Lincoln, there couldn’t have been more than fifteen or sixteen active conspiracies, tops. There wasn’t as much to control: the emerging railroad industry, the cotton trade, and pulling the strings of four or five European governments. There was no entertainment industry to control, and media was a joke. By the time of the Franco-Prussian War and our man Alfred Dreyfus, the number was up to twenty-five. That was fine, but we knew that true, lasting global domination would require a serious investment of time and manpower, so that when the First World War broke out as planned, we had no fewer than eighty active plots.

It was an exhausting, but exhilarating, time. We could finally see more than a century of hard work, beginning with the 1790’s Reign of Terror, beginning to bear fruit in the disintegration of the Ottoman Empire and the cementing of European – which is to say Zionist, since we controlled every major power on the Continent – control over the Middle East and Africa. The emergence of a Jewish state in Palestine was finally on the visible horizon, and from there we could establish a base to seize the oil of Arabia and subjugate the non-Jewish peoples of the region.

Managing the plots was an unprecedented challenge, but our experienced manipulators were more than up to the task. They even managed to keep word of the Arabian oil reserves hushed up until decades later, allowing our operatives to set up the system for profiting from the black gold while making it look like the local nations were really in charge. Along the way we established Hollywood, tightened our control over international banking, established hundreds of securities and commodities exchanges to mask our puppeteering, and put together a string of real doozies: the Spanish Flu, to get rid of those able-bodied enough to resist our schemes; the Great Depression, to get rid of all the small-time banking competition; the Holocaust, to pave the way for the formal establishment of Israel. It was a heady time, and it might have made us complacent over how many people are necessary to run large numbers of simultaneous conspiracies.

And now, with more than four thousand active plots, depending on how one categorizes them, things have gotten hairy. We nearly messed up on 9/11 by not using bigger planes, but at least the backup plan of having explosives planted in the construction of the Twin Towers back in the early seventies made the collapse happen anyway. Every now and then someone in the Muslim world gets wind of gentile blood used in Jewish matza, and we have to track down who dropped the ball. Our agents work almost around the clock, but recruiting and training more of them presents a serious problem: there are only about 15 million Jews in the world, and we don’t trust anyone else.

We’re going to need a serious pandemic to reduce the global population and make things more manageable. Time to let Ebola loose again.