With the abject failure of Britain’s youth to rise to the democratic challenge (ie, to pull their fingers out in time to register to vote), I am advocating a total ban on anyone of retirement age voting in the EU referendum as the only effective way stopping the Leave campaign. This idea hardened for me after a long conversation with my father, which included the words “conspiracy”, “the central powers” and “they hate us”. Here are five reasons why we need to take this, some may argue, drastic step.

The EU referendum result will have less effect on older people

On the reasonable assumption that leaving the EU would take Britain a minimum of ten years, those of retirement age have little or no stake in country’s next era. I believe the children are our future. If a 15-year-old, whose entire economic and political future could be determined by the referendum, can’t vote, then neither should a 75-year-old, whose entire economic and political future could be determined by the fluctuating price of mince.

Read more: EU referendum: Just the facts

Over 65s read the Daily Mail

The majority of senior citizens are politically and culturally informed – either directly or through osmosis with their flaky-skinned peers – by the Daily Mail. Since believing in what the Daily Mail reports is not actually an act of free will for the over 65s, their imposition on us is no less undemocratic than us taking their vote away from them on 23 June.

There was no 'golden age' of Britain

Aside from a pathological preoccupation with immigration, the most pervasive reason for the grey army voting Leave is an inarticulate longing to return to the hazy memories of an idealised Britain that never was. This is no basis on which to decide the nation’s fate. Leaving the EU will not make Britain a superpower again, make the weather better, bring back the Krays or reignite the magic of the FA Cup.

We take pensioners' driving licences away... why not their right to vote?

When older people are deemed unfit to drive a car they have their licences taken away. Removing their right to vote is merely an extension of that safety-first community thinking that we can, ironically, thank the EU for bringing into our lives. Under this rule, Jeremy Corbyn would not be allowed to vote – a fair outcome for someone who has not expressed a single coherent thought during the campaign.

Prisoners don't vote, either

To the accusation that banning anyone from voting would be meddling with democracy, I say let’s have some democracy first, then worry about whether it’s being meddled with or not. Prisoners are not allowed to vote. The Queen doesn’t vote (setting a good example, as ever), Russell Brand doesn’t vote. My children, who, unlike their grandparents, at least can remember what they had for breakfast, are not allowed to vote. Get real, people.

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