ROME–as Europe’s refugee crisis continues with more boatloads of migrants making the risky crossing of the Mediterranean, many of the migrants admitted that they were headed over for primarily selfish reasons.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of living in poverty, cleaning toilets and being harrassed by police,” said Emrip Khan, who arrived in Sicily this week after fleeing the Libyan civil war with his three surviving children. “And in the EU, I can finally make that dream come true.”

A spokesman for the United Kingdom’s anti-immigrant party, UKIP, shared his indignation at the incoming waves of refugees. “They’re all a bunch of whiners,” said David Whitewurst. “It’s all don’t-let-me-be-killed-by-the-solders and my-children-are-starving. They should have thought about that when they were being born somewhere else, that’s what I say.”

European leaders held discussions this week on how to stem the flow of migrants without leaving them at the mercy of armed conflict in their home regions. Those discussions concluded after fifteen minutes, after which they started discussions on how to stem the flow of migrants.

“We are very concerned with the humanitarian crisis on the doorstep of Europe,” said Nils Muiznieks, Human Rights Commissioner for the Council of Europe. “We strongly prefer that humanitarian crises take place far away.”



A bunch of refugees just standing around doing nothing, instead of launching startups or mining Bitcoins