So here's one of the absolute worst things I've ever seen: 'Pooping in Reverse,' a Vimeo-hosted video uploaded by a user called "Ringo Boomschlicka" and supposedly coming to Access Tucson at some point in the future...though in checking the Access Tucson alphabetical schedule, it appears that (thankfully) this show isn't on the air. I mean, it might be in the future, but this is awful.

Now, there's a lot of awkward nudity and bad language throughout this NSFW video, so in the interest of your eyes and your employment, I'm not embedding it...but I'll post a quick, live-blogging of my thoughts as I watch the video. Watch along at the link above, if you must.

God help me.

0:00: - Screen is black. This is the high point of the video.

0:02 - Aaaaand that's a man — though thankfully, he's tucking like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, so we're spared seeing what assumedly would've looked like a baby bird in a pitch-black nest of horrors.

0:08 - Hey, dolphin impressions! One participant is the naked fellow from earlier, the other, a gentleman tastefully wearing a maroon polo shirt.

0:16 - Maroon polo shirt is making hilarious technology jokes: "'internet.com/myyyyspace'! (shit-eating grin)"

0:30 - Is that...is that a doll in that naked man's, uh, "shrubbery"?

0:50 - Costumes, weird masks, Tootsie Rolls and joints for everyone! (Note: at least two of those things might make this video more palatable. Might.)

1:08 - And the face of the naked man (to this point seen wearing cutoff jeans a number of times) just keeps staring at me. Seductively. Awkwardly. The only thing that would make viewing this at my desk more uncomfortable is if a coworker watched it over my shoulder with me...oh, and now there are 10 of him dancing on screen at once.

1:31 - The uncomfortable-looking man sitting in the studio, wondering what he's doing there, is currently my spirit animal. Right there with you, buddy.

1:46 - Camera tricks! Awkward editing! People laughing on set! Whimsy!

2:10 - That is an adult male's ass. And it appears that someone is attempting to insert a Tootsie Roll into it — or attempting to make it look like they're attempting to. Either way, it appears we have the show's title.

2:18 - "Look at this, with your fucking face, faggot! Just kidding. Watch it though!" Finally, a show that doesn't talk down to its audience.

2:31 - Trust me, you don't want to go to the link mentioned at this point in the video. Do NOT go to hobofoot.com. Don't. And if you do, don't blame me.

2:37 - That...is an eye staring out of a naked man's bush. Or, as I will know it now and forever, the image that will haunt my nightmares.

2:39 - Fin.

That might have been the weirdest thing I've seen on the internet that didn't actually show any nudity or bodily excretions...which says terrible things about my internet viewing habits, now that I think about it. Either way, my apologies for linking you to that horrorshow.

God bless free speech.