Five episodes into MTV’s Stranded with a Million Dollars, and half of the six competitors remaining are ready to “flare out” this week.

Not even kidding.

If it weren’t for Alex winning the Temptation, and getting to stuff his face with Alonzo, and see videos from family members, Team #MeanGirl leaders Alex and Alonzo would have quit.

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And Gina would have quit with them. #GoodRiddance

“I guess my survival skill is stealing peanut butter,” Gina says.

Yep, that’s about right. What does that say about you, Gina?

“She stole a tent, I stole peanut butter… forgive me for not being all that upset about that,” Alex defends his behavior towards Makani.

It’s pretty funny. Nobody’s questioning their behavior, but they still feel the need to defend themselves.

What does that mean? It means that both Alex and Gina know that most of the viewing audience thinks they’re selfish a******s!

But then, it get hilarious.

For hours and hours, Alonzo and Alex strategize about bringing Cody into their alliance.

What a waste of their time. But if it’s keeping them entertained in a jungle… they must be REALLY bored.

The #MeanGirls approach Cody and ask him to join their alliance.

They plan to basically starve Makani out, and they want Cody’s help.

When he doesn’t jump at their offer, they start issuing stupid threats about how they’ll judge him the same as they judge her.

At first, it appears Cody is actually considering their offer.

My heart sank. I felt physically ill. But I didn’t give up on Cody.

He may have an ego but at least he’s seemed genuine and loyal up til now, even if he was willing to let Makani take most of the heat.

In an interview today, Cody told me that he never planned to abandon Makani.

“It’s all a game. If it was real life, I would have called them out on that crap immediately. Their pitch doesn’t make any sense – why would I turn on Makani? She’s not going to go anywhere. And when I realized they don’t have any strategy – they’re going to spend money no matter how we treat them,” Cody explained.

But when they get their new journey assignment, it becomes clear that Cody isn’t planning to join Team #MeanGirl. Everything he’s invested in Team Makody will be totally worth it.

After they get their journey assignment, Makani throws down and refuses to be the one to carry the flare case again.

The #MeanGirls gang up on her.

Interesting, Alonzo doesn’t seem to have any concern about making Gina or Mom Lady carry a fair amount of weight.

“If you want a girl to carry it, get one of your girls to carry it,” Makani drops the case at their feet.

Go Makani!

I was super annoyed that they don’t start the timeclock on the journey like five minutes after they get their assignment.

I mean seriously, I cannot imagine how long they argued, b***hed, and moaned about who was carrying what. We only saw what the editors left in.

If the two-hour timeclock for this journey started when they got the assignment, everybody would suck it up and get moving.

I’m so sick of watching Alonzo pretend to be Mr. Big.

“Talk to me like that in my land,” Alonzo grumbles, after Makani stands up to him.

“Kick her like a stray dog,” Mom Lady Eilish suggests.

Alex is acting like a whiny little b***h, too. But his mouth isn’t as out of control.

When they finally get moving, Cody carries the most weight, by far.

Gina carries the least. But we could have guessed that, right?

Gina is first to fall on her face in the river… Bahaha! Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

Apparently, Gina can’t swim. Good thing this isn’t Survivor – she’d be dead or gone by now.

“I don’t know why I’m on this journey, but I wish I could flare out right now,” Gina says.

We don’t know why you’re there either, Gina. #TimeToGo

Alex falls down in a hole between some boulders and gets a booboo on his chin.

Alonzo falls down and hurts his wrist.

This journey is the first time they’ve skated close to missing their deadline, and losing the next $100,000.

“I cannot carry both of these things. I’m going to kill myself,” Alex whines, as he’s holding their tent under water. #Pussy

“Not only is Alex being an idiot the way he carries his items, but he’s always being a complete baby. Drink a can of man. Step up to the plate. Accept the challenge and push on,” Cody says.

Makani yells at everybody to pick up the pace. She’s not wrong, but they already hate her.

Upon arrival, the bitter #MeanGirls decide that from now on, Makani can’t use anything she didn’t carry.

Nevermind the fact that the rules say that group property belongs to the group.

Cody tries to plead Makani’s case with the group. He tells them they have to be nicer to her if they want her to play nice with them. And they need to be a team for the journeys.

“You have to earn your keep,” Mom Lady says “I can’t stand lazy people.”

This is the same chick who didn’t even bother to try in the one challenge we’ve seen so far, right?

Talk about glass houses. Or in her case, glass trailers, right?

Alonzo goes on a rant about how he’s a business man, and investing in Makani offers no return. But he makes no sense, and sounds like an idiot.

“Dude’s got no heart. He can talk the talk, but when it comes down to it, Alonzo, you can’t walk the walk,” Cody says.

That about sums it up.

Mad that Cody insists on watching out for Makani, Alonzo rescinds the offer to join the #MeanGirls.

But Alex tries to keep Cody by promising nobody will speak to Makani for the rest of the days. Yeah, because that should make things fun.

Cody basically tells them to blow themselves.

“I’m going to be on Team Makody… and we’re going to dominate this game,” Cody says.

Interestingly enough, if production didn’t mess with the timeline, Alonzo has a total meltdown shortly after Cody blows them off.

“I need to take my ass home,” he says. And he sits on a rock talking to himself for quite awhile.

“I’m thinking about self-evacuating today.” Alonzo says. “So much anxiety. So much paranoia. I gotta go. Somebody help me.”

Um… MEDIC!!!!!!!

Alonzo misses his mommy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdhHfPsvvt4

“I have way more reasons to leave than stay,” Alonzo says.

Wait, I thought he said he’d been homeless, and is doing this for his family…what reason could he possibly have to leave, other than being a complete wimp?

Mom Lady tries to talk him down with baby talk. It’s uncomfortable to watch.

This is when it gets really good.

Alex’s diabolical plan is going to fall apart if Alonzo drops. He can’t carry both the girls, especially with Team Makody united against them.

Turns out, Alex is homesick, too.

“It’s the first time I’ve really thought seriously about leaving,” Alex says.

(I had to pause the show because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t take notes at this point).

“We’re struggling,” Alex tells the other #MeanGirls that he wants to quit.

And guess what, if Alex and Alonzo quit, they’re starting a trend.

Gina says she’s “over it”, too.

And then it starts to rain.

Mom Lady cries because she doesn’t want to have to work with Makani if everybody else drops out.

This is some of the funniest s**t I have ever seen on reality TV.

I’m sitting here dying. Oh my God. #BestEpisodeEver

And then, for those of us cheering for Team Makody, the worst possible thing happens.

Alex gets chosen for a Temptation. And of course, he takes Alonzo.

It’s a big table of food, per usual. And a video from home. So they blow $15,000 of the group’s money, and the #MeanGirls live to fight another day.

I’m going to skip the scene where Alex and Alonzo sit and sob together like babies because it was uncomfortable.

It’s group buy time after Alex and Alonzo get back.

Alex tells Cody and Makani to get whatever they want at the group buy, because he plans to steal it back from them.

That’s so messed up. Says a lot about his character, or lack thereof.

“They’re liars and they’re thieves,” Cody accurately describes the #MeanGirls.

Alonzo explains they’re planning to spend as much possible to destroy Cody and Makani.

So basically, he’s admitting he knows he won’t make it til the end, so he doesn’t care about not spending out of the $1 million.

They spend a fortune, buying multiple pizzas and other food. $45,500 to be exact.

They even buy a deck of playing cards for $1,000. Ay yay yay.

“I’m starting to think there will be no money left,” Cody says. #Foreshadowing

“No wonder why she’s living in a trailer,” Cody snarks.

He says that Mom Lady Eilish “doesn’t know how to manage money”.

Cody says Alonzo is spending the money because he can’t carry it. He says Alonzo can barely get through the journeys, without having to carry more money.

“It’s funny how tough you act when you have a pizza on the way,” Cody says.

When I talked to Cody today, he said viewers can look forward to a “serious attitude shift” in future episodes.

Now that he’s declared his allegiance to Team Makody, it’s no holds barred against Team #MeanGirls.

I hope so, because I really want to see the #MeanGirls suffer.

Things we’re left wondering

If Alonzo was in the military, why does he cry when he’s away from his mommy for three weeks? And why does he call MREs, MRIs???

Does anybody in the viewing audience believe Alonzo, Gina and Alex would have lasted another day without the Temptation?

Why does Alex wimp out so fast when Alonzo says he’s going to quit? I didn’t see that coming. I thought he’d last at least another 24 hours, but he was ready to go. Is he a bigger wimp than we’d realized?

What kind of person kicks a stray dog???

Stranded with a Million Dollars airs Tuesdays at 10/9 c on MTV.