Valve has announced that The International 5 will feature an open qualifier bracket of 1,024 teams competing for a slot in each region’s main qualifier. The open tournament, which many are calling a “minefield of cheesing and chaos” will pit amateur players against professional and semi-professional teams that were not directly invited.

This announcement sets the stage for a rags-to-riches Jamaican Dota team to rise through the open European qualifiers after being picked up by Mousesports, who departed from their traditional “wait until we see which team qualifies and is the cheapest so we can slap a logo on them and then include TI5 viewer numbers in our sponsorship deck” strategy.

The Jamaican team will be initially unable to practice due to poor hardware and terrible network conditions. After learning to finally not use Skype by spending fifteen minutes Googling the problem, they are able to practice effectively by never tilting or raging due to their relaxed, carefree Jamaican demeanor.

Their team faces the Balkan Bears in the finals of the Open Qualifier and first picks Meepo, blocking Aliwi “w33ha” Omar’s last chance to make good on his TI5 promise. In the qualifier itself, fans and commentators call the team “MouzJam” as they continuously build five drums of endurance in game and dance to reggae music after each successive win.

MouzJam comes up against Alliance in the EU Qualifier final. Down 0-2 and on the verge of defeat, they are coached from the brink of elimination by Niclas “Niqua” Westergård who reveals all of Alliance’s hidden strategies and Bulldog’s predetermined rat hiding positions in the trees. Reddit celebrates.

At TI5 MouzJam is scoffed at by the Chinese teams, but when they get in the booth their captain rips off his face. It’s Black. He was wearing a mask and imitating a Jamaican accent all along. The Chinese teams, who inadvertently had spoken about all their strategies in Chinese in front of the team, have their strategies countered by Black, who speaks Chinese.

MouzJam faces Team Tinker in the finals of TI5. But wait, ESEX writers, you ask. If Black was playing in disguise on MouzJam, who was playing on Tinker under “Black^” to lead them to their glorious NA Qualifier and TI5 group stage and playoff bracket victories? Who won TI5??

That, my friend, is a story for another day.





