An honest man can sell a fake diamond if he says it is a fake diamond, ain't it?

--Jack Pfefer, wrestling promotor, in 1934





No, that's not a made-up word. Like the mythical languages of Middle Earth, professional wrestling has its own nomenclature. But you should never say "kayfabe" to industry professionals, because that is breaking kayfabe. Let me explain.





Kayfabe is defined as the code of secrecy that undergirds the pro wrestling industry by which the secret of its unreality is protected. To "keep kayfabe" is the act of staying in character before, during, and after shows so as to maintain the illusion.



Live the illusion. Don't wink. Endure to the end. Keep kayfabe.





But there was a time in the 90's when, for wrestling to survive, WWF Presidnet Vince McMahon had to break kayfabe. I still remember, when I was about 6, watching a documentary at my grandma's house called "Professional Wrestling EXPOSED!" This was on network television, during primetime. 60 Minutes also ran an expose on wrestling--the same news show that later exposed Abu Ghraib. Hard-hitting journalists were catching wrestling red-handed in the illusion. It wasn't that hard to see--when wrestling came on national television, the wrestlers looked like they were fighting with pool noodles instead of arms.



If you say it's real, then you're a sucker for watching it. If you say it's fake, then you're a sucker for watching it. No matter what--the media made you feel like a sucker.



So Vince McMahon orchestrated the Montreal Screwjob. He created an unscripted ending that robbed fan favorite Bret Hart of the championship belt. After Bret's defeat, he spit in McMahon's face (real spit), then found him backstage and punched him (real punch), causing McMahon to have a real black eye.





But McMahon had to do an interview the next day. WWF's writers wondered what the story should be. McMahon couldn't tell the truth and expose himself as the man behind the curtain, could he?





In a move of utter brilliance, McMahon did exactly that. He broke kayfabe. He explained how he fixed the match. And he created a new character for himself: the conniving, greedy, manipulating Mr. McMahon.



Wrestling wouldn't have survived unless McMahon plunged it into the haze between truth and fiction. By winking at the audience and telling the truth, he gave wrestling fans a way out. He knew that a knowing wink is a huge relief to someone who has to defend his love of irreverent storylines, cartoonish characters, and extreme brutality.



We don't have any McMahon's in church leadership, but we do have this guy and a stock photo of a woman eating:





We don't have any McMahon's in church leadership, but wehave this guy and a stock photo of a woman eating:





...very...very...slowly. Elder Durrant gave the greatest winking talk of the century, but the rest of the church seems to be clinging to the illusions of the past.





My church just doubled-down on an interesting doctrine. Same-sex marriage is now tantamount to apostasy and draws a comparison to polygamy. My church said that children adopted by same-sex couples cannot be blessed as babies nor baptized until they are adults who live apart from their parents, and opposed to same-sex marriage. My reaction to all this was the way John Cena reacts to the Russian Flag:



















Do they not see how hard this is? We all sing Follow the Prophet, but we wink at each other when Brigham Young or Bruce R. McConkie is quoted. But leadership doesn't wink back because of the infallibility doctrine, found in tiny print in Official Declaration 1:



"The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place..."



Besides the superfluous spelling of "program", do you see the problem? The church can't claw back! There's no Montreal Screwjob! We always have to double down on existing doctrine--even as the fruit of that doctrine starts to rot. And we end up with ideas like asking children to declare that their same-sex parents live in an apostate relationship, which would be laughable if it wasn't so strange. The church, by an unrelenting pursuit of virtue, has turned public heel.



So now we get temple recommend interviews that look like this:



Bishop: Do you support any apostate groups?

Member: I support gay marriage.

Bishop: That's okay--it's not an apostate group.

Member: Yeah it is. There's a bullet in your manual below Polygamists.



The Mormon Church is difficult because you have to take the doctrine as supremely important to salvation, but at the same time, worth a grain of salt. You have to wink at it, or its utter seriousness will destroy you. The infallibility doctrine is at the root of this mess. It's time for the church to throw it out and wink back. It's time to break kayfabe. My wife, on the other hand, channeled her inner Roddy Piper (my wife's bat is made out of internet memes):Do they not see how hard this is? We all sing Follow the Prophet, but we wink at each other when Brigham Young or Bruce R. McConkie is quoted. But leadership doesn't wink back because of the infallibility doctrine, found in tiny print in Official Declaration 1:"The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place..."Besides the superfluous spelling of "program", do you see the problem? The church can't claw back! There's no Montreal Screwjob! Wehave to double down on existing doctrine--even as the fruit of that doctrine starts to rot. And we end up with ideas like asking children to declare that their same-sex parents live in an apostate relationship, which would be laughable if it wasn't so strange. The church, by an unrelenting pursuit of virtue, has turned public heel.So now we get temple recommend interviews that look like this:Bishop: Do you support any apostate groups?Member: I support gay marriage.Bishop: That's okay--it's not an apostate group.Member: Yeah it is. There's a bullet in your manual below Polygamists.The Mormon Church is difficult because you have to take the doctrine as supremely important to salvation, but at the same time, worth a grain of salt. You have to wink at it, or its utter seriousness will destroy you. The infallibility doctrine is at the root of this mess. It's time for the church to throw it out and wink back. It's time to break kayfabe.

Many of you don't know this, but I'm a professional wresting fan. I know it's not real, but I choose to act like it is. I keep kayfabe.