Dating Doctrine – Step 1 – Becoming Attractive

April 5, 2012

I’ve touched on a groundwork for this article in my post on not being creepy. Let’s say you’ve taken that advice, along with my advice about having life goals and being a generally cool dude.

This means you’ve finally woken up and starting focusing on your own life. You’ve got interesting things going on, you’re happy enough on your own, and you’ve got the wisdom and drive to keep moving higher and higher.

Well, congratulations, because now you’re ready to “score with the ladies!”**

**Disclaimer: Any phrase that begins with “score” and ends with “with the ladies,” when spoken, will ultimately result in not scoring with the ladies. This tip is brought to you by the tireless human trials of Vichet Ou.

But wait! Of course you’re ready. At least, ready in terms of where you are in life. Problem is, you might still be completely clueless about what to do and how to be when Ms. Awesome is standing in front of you.

I mean, how does one become attractive to the ladies in ways that are immediately apparent? It’s not like she’s asking you right away what your life goals are, or who you are deep down inside (ha!). Actually, asking any of that right away would be kind of creepy. The only thing creepier than that is some guy who, without being asked, volunteers such personal information, under the false assumption that doing this with a stranger will make him look (ahem) interesting or attractive in some way.

Lucky for you, your boy Vichet has a short list of practical (for once) skills and attributes that most women (that Vichet knows) find attractive:

Be fit. Be well groomed/styled. Whatever style you have there is a way to do it that makes you not look like an idiot. If looking like an idiot is your style, welcome to Not Getting Laid – Population: you. Be confident – that means being okay with yourself, and okay with other people having opinions about you. Speak clearly, directly, and concisely. No passive-aggressive pussy-footing. Don’t utter every useless thought that comes to your head – unless that thought is hilarious. Then you can utter 1 out of every 5 of those thoughts. As you can tell, I have problems adhering to this one. Have a circle of really fun, equally driven and interesting male friends. Have some good looking female friends that you’re not attracted to (who also aren’t attracted to you), who are also fun. Make your time valuable by being busy with what you love. Have your own place. Know how to cook. Be competent at some sort of hobby, be it music, dancing, sports, etc.

There may be one or two more things that can be added to the list. Or even ten. This is not comprehensive.

1-6 are things that are immediately apparent upon first talking to you in a social setting, be it a bar, a party, a soap-box derby or good old fashioned gladiatorial death match (“Terminus est!”).

7-10 are things that can become quickly apparent as a woman gets to know you, be it on a “first date” (we’ve talked about that), a first bang (woohoo!) or a first breakfast (did she not notice the cab money on the dresser?).

However, every item in this list is battle-tested by yours truly, and many other cool guys that I know. These are things that continually get a guy’s foot in the door, and eventually some other things, too (Keurig tm coffee maker in the door? Ottoman in the door? Special Edition Blu-Ray of Predator in the door?).

Even better, every single item in this list is something that you can work on and get better at!

So how do we achieve these pillars of male attractiveness?

1) Be Fit

First, let me talk about what being fit does NOT mean.

Being fit doesn’t mean being a 2 pound set of sinew and bones.

On the other extreme, being fit doesn’t mean being a 2000 pound, muscle-bound, roid-rage gorilla with a tree trunk for a neck.

It just means having a practical level of physical competence that will allow you to do pretty much anything you’d need to in life, aside from highly competitive sports. Those naturally require a higher level of fitness.

There are lots of ways to do achieve various levels of fitness (Google “male fitness guide“), but it all comes down to you. Only your commitment to being fit really makes any difference. I’ve seen dozens of my own acquaintances give up on this over the course of their lives, not because they were incapable (maybe one or two of them had a gland problem), but because they didn’t make it a priority. No big, their choice. BUT, if you want to play the game, you have to pay the price.

“But Vichet, I see big guys with hot women all the time!”

Exceptions, my friend. Not rules. They might be super successful in ways that you don’t know. Also, I bet they would have had an easier time introducing themselves if they weren’t gigantic.

All I’m saying is this – if you want to be attractive overall to the largest set of women out there (not necessarily “set of largest women”), you will need to be fit.

I mean, I hate that I even suggested just now that you should use women as motivation here, because come on, people! It’s YOUR health we’re talking about. Make a commitment to yourself to be healthy and make good choices. Make it a lifestyle. This isn’t a 4 week bootcamp, it’s not a fad diet. Make being healthy and fit your lifestyle. Eat right (see a nutritionist, or at least do research) and exercise.

If you’ve never done any sports or physical activity ever, here’s an arbitrary list of fitness goals that you can consider as the bare MINIMUM SURVIVAL SKILLS you need to have to be alive – also, just in case the zombie apocalypse (zompocalypse) comes:

30 consecutive crunches

30 consecutive calf-raises

20 consecutive push-ups

20 consecutive squats

5 consecutive pull-ups

Be able to jog 1 mile in under 10 minutes

Those numbers up there aren’t even that large. I’m going easy on you. You are capable of MUCH MORE over time. If you think you aren’t capable, statistics and thousands of years of human history would prove you wrong.

In fact, most personal trainers would probably tell you that you need to be able to do 2 or 3 sets of those numbers to consider yourself “fit enough” to handle most situations without bustin’ your ass.

And all I’m asking is that you be “fit enough” to deal with physical emergency, without someone stronger and more physically competent having to swoop in and lift your useless carcass out of danger.

And that’s why I always suggest calisthenics as a starting point. These are exercises where the only source of resistance is your own body weight. Calisthenics make sense in terms of practicality because, hey, you have a body, and should be proficient at moving it around in various ways under various circumstances if you need to. Not only that, but your body is MADE to be able to do these things. I mean, if you’re running from a pack of wild dogs and need to climb a tree, you better be able to do a goddamned pullup – shit, be able to do 5 just to be sure you’d be able to pull it off under pressure!

The only reason I’m putting so much effort into making this look like an unprecedented priority in your life is because so many people fight me on the merits of being physically capable. Shit, I used to think that way, too!

“I don’t need to be able to do 20 pushups.”

Really? Is this how little we expect of ourselves? It’s not about whether you NEED to. You don’t need women either, but you still whine about not having one. So make a goddamn positive decision in your life, get off your ass, and get fit!

I’ll assume that after reading the last few paragraphs that you’ve seen the light, and you’re ready to take your first steps. But, you’ve never done these exercises growing up, so on your first try, you will not get anywhere near those numbers I just posted.

It’s okay, though. If you can only do 10 push-ups before your arms start to hurt, push yourself to do 12. Then, when you get used to 12, do 14. And so on, and so on. If you find yourself having a lot of trouble, go see a trainer.

Ask anyone (ESPECIALLY athletes) how they get to where they are, and they will tell you it’s a series of small steps over a long period of time. They all started where you are, and maybe had a little more innate physical understanding or ability. But the majority of their skill comes from practice, not innate talent.

I mean, do you think athletes are just born being able to dunk a basketball, or run a 6 minute mile? They’re not, and if you think that, wake up. They’d be insulted to hear that from you, after working so hard for so long to do what they do.

No, those people committed to pushing themselves a little farther every day for as long as it took to get where they wanted to be.

I guarantee you that if you commit to solving your fitness problems, and seek help when you reach obstacles, you will at least get to a level of competence (I’m saying competence… you don’t have to get to Olympic level) with your own body – we’re built with the potential to do this. Anyone who says differently either got the shitty end of the deal in the genetic lottery (and I can’t even express how sorry I feel for them), or is a useless nay-saying sack of shit who is reinforcing the belief that you can’t achieve physical competence.

2) Dress well

Everyone has a different way of dressing. I want to highlight that before I write anything about this, go re-read what I just wrote up there about being fit.

Because honestly, clothing is just decoration.

I know you’ve told this story as a guy before:

“Man, this whale was walking down the street, and she was a mess! Her pants were easily three sizes too small, and she had some kind of mutant muffin-top going on.”

Well, okay, Dolph Lundgren. Are you fit? Are you dressing sharp? Because more likely, you’re the male version of what you’ve so condescendingly described.

The statistics don’t look good in America. Lots of obesity. That’s a major problem for you if you’re a guy – once again it’s a HEALTH problem, not an issue that keeps you from getting ladies. Get your priorities right.

Assuming you’ve committed to the fitness thing and are maintaining what you feel is an optimal level of fitness, how do you dress well?

Let me start by saying what works for me.

Clothes:

Pressed button-downs, mostly solid colors, but some with pinstripes or patterns.

If I’m feeling casual/douchey, nerdy t-shirts with words on them.

Side vent blazers – I love these. I have them tailored to fit like a blazer should.

Minimal jewelry. One or two accessories. Three if I’m feeling like a douche (ring, bracelet and chaaaaain, whaaaaaat?).

Nice jeans and khakis. Khakis must be pressed. I wear everything on the slimmer side, and straight leg or boot cut.

5 pairs of shoes (it’s practical, trust me) – snow boots, walking shoes, athletic shoes, brown dress shoes, black dress shoes On another note – DO NOT WEAR ATHLETIC SHOES OUT. Unless you want a woman to think you’re 14. “But Vichet, that’s my STYLE!” – yep… and it won’t get you laid.



Grooming (way more important):

Smell – cologne only when I’m going to a function or on a “date.” I wear Nautica and Hugo Boss. Otherwise, soap and water is good enough for me.

Clean shave – I can’t grow a good beard, so I have to keep things stubble free. If you do want to keep facial hair, don’t let looking casually scruffy turn into looking busted and dirty.

Hair – since I try to have all my clothes very coordinated, I usually just run my hands through my hair with a little gel. It’s short enough that the messy look works

Teeth – I can’t stress this enough. Brush twice a day. Floss if you need to. Carry gum with you. Seriously.

Nails – Because I’m weird, this is an even bigger issue for me than teeth (which I brush at least twice a day). Cut that shit! If it’s long enough to get crusty shit stuck under it, it’s long enough to give her an infection from finger-banging, you inconsiderate ass.

Skin – if you have ashy elbows, use some lotion so you’re not cracking off flakes everywhere you go. F*ck the improvement to your look, that’s just being considerate.

Ladies, if you know me, feel free to chime in about what you think works and doesn’t work about my style.

Like I said, the above is just what works for me. I’ve never heard a woman say that I do my particular style poorly – even if she doesn’t agree with my sense of style, she’ll concede that I do my particular style justice.

So, find your personal sense of style and hone it to a razor edge. If you’re not sure what that is yet, look around at other people who you think dress well, and find the pattern in what you like.

Also – don’t let yourself get pigeonholed into one look for years and years. I was a jeans and t-shirt kinda kid for until I was about 22. As you grow up and become more self-actualized, your style will evolve to reflect those changes. Let it happen naturally.

Ultimately, your sense of style is about expressing your confidence in being yourself. It’s not about putting on a costume to try to impress people. Unless your name is Bruce Wayne and that costume’s name is Batman.

One last thing – I have to be a traditionalist and say that as a man, you MUST own one quality, tailored suit ensemble. Two, if you can afford it (one black and one grey will get you through anything).

3) Be confident

We’ve already touched on this in my last article about “first dates.” I used Sean Connery as James Bond as an example of what it means to be confident versus acting confident.

As it applies to women, confidence is that sense of satisfaction, fun, and raw social energy that you have in your life that makes a woman feel curious about what you’ve got going on that makes you walk around the badass way that you do.

This is why it’s so important to be working on something that you love.

Practical advice – what you love doesn’t have to be your job. Not any single aspect of your life need define your entire existence. What do I do for a living? I fix and administrate computers. I wouldn’t say that’s who I am. The job is cool – it pays well, and offers great benefits and opportunities. But what I love the most about it is that it finances my dreams. I’m a writer. I’m a dancer. I get money for those things by working 9-5 in a job that’s not bad at all.

And so, the satisfaction I get from doing the things I love bleeds out into the rest of my life.

I’m confident, period. My confidence doesn’t depend on what women or anyone else think of me, because I’m the one earning my own happiness.

This kind of confidence allows you to do a lot of things that unhappy guys can’t.

With true confidence, you can:

… start a conversation with anyone you want to, under almost any circumstance (and have things to say, to boot!).

… start out at a baseline of happiness, so that your mood doesn’t sour if a girl’s not into you.

… be direct – ask for numbers, give compliments, keep eye contact.

… stop asking so many questions about how to approach a girl and just goddamn do it, because you realize it’s NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

… seriously just go talk to her, and be okay with whatever outcome occurs.

There’s a Zen-like effect that happens here – when you remove yourself from caring about whether women will like you, more of them tend to like you!

The only tool you can use to achieve this independence from women is confidence, and the path to confidence is competence – mastery of your own life.

4) Speak clearly, directly, and concisely

This one is tied into confidence a lot, but is active rather than passive (something you do, rather than something you are).

A lot of guys feel the need to step around the real point of their conversation. It’s called circumlocution, and it never got anyone laid.

They do this so much, that 50 percent of most sentences will mean dick shit. They might even start talking about things they don’t find interesting in there, just to top off the lameness.

Now, I understand. You don’t want to be too forward. You don’t want too be obnoxious, or offensive. I’m not telling you to be curt, or impolite. “Damn baby, those are some fine titties. What color your nipples?” is not socially acceptable unless it’s coming from me.

But, at the same time, you don’t need to feel like you’re always padding your conversation because you’re afraid to talk about what you actually want to talk about. There’s a big gray area between idiotic extremes where life and happiness happen. Find it.

Example of you circumlocuting: “I was wondering if maybe you might want to grab a coffee or something, sometime.”

All those things in bold were things you didn’t need to say. Things that, by saying them, showed the woman that you’re nervous. To her, you’re way too anxious about what her response might be, so you’re trying to pad the question by making it sound less direct and more ambiguous. Like you’re making adjustments on the fly, as if you’re landing a burning plane. And she knows instinctively that it’s the stupid part of your brain trying to trick her into a coffee date by making it sound as little like a date as possible.

And then you’re confused later when she thought you were going out as “just friends.” Or when she said “no,” because your shit was weak.

Part of it was because you were pussy-footing.

Try saying this instead: “Let’s get coffee.”

If it’s me, I might even add an “I like you” to the beginning just to be clear.

You might be thinking I was coming on strong. You might be a pussy.

“But Vichet, you can’t lay all your cards on the table!”

Bitch, I wasn’t telling her my life story, I just said “I like you, let’s get coffee.” It’s not like I was lowering my head to kiss her ass, or buying her Cristal. It was just throwing up a signal.

And honestly, assuming she has a reason to say yes (meaning she’s interested enough in you to say yes), what well-adjusted woman will be offended by the statement “I like you, let’s get coffee”? That’s ridiculous, and if she finds my frankness offensive (I didn’t exactly say “I wanna be on you,” though Ron Burgundy’s lines are hilarious), I find her to be a little bit high-strung and stuffy, neither of which makes for a fun time.

Finally, guys, you don’t need to vocalize every thought you came across. Don’t start conversations off like this:

“So I was sitting at home thinking, ‘man I wonder what I’m gonna do tonight.’ So I called my boy Justin and we were talking about different plans…”

Does that story have a point? No? Then, why are you telling it? Catharsis?

Don’t get me wrong, that’s a conversation you can have with close friends. But for someone you’re getting to know? Geez. You don’t have to be talking ALL the time. If anything, you should be asking HER questions, getting to know HER. Women LOVE to talk (don’t even try to play like you don’t, ladies) about their goings on.

They don’t like it when men do that. Take note.

5) Have a circle of really fun, equally driven and interesting male friends.

“But Vichet, you told me all of the things in your list were things I can work on!”

Yes, I did.

“I can’t change my friends!”

No, you can’t change the friends you have now. If they’re not too outgoing and tend to stay in a lot, nothing wrong with that if that’s what they wanna do.

I’m not telling you to stop being their friend either. If they’re not destructive forces in your life, there’s no reason to cut them out.

However, consider that you can find a group of drinking buddies that like having a good time over a few beers, cocktails, glasses of wine, and public nudity citations.

“Where do I find them?”

I dunno. Try a new activity. Go take a judo class, attend an art history lecture, or take a beer-tasting course or something. Is there something you’ve wanted to try for a long time? Try it! And talk to the people who are doing it because you probably have something in common. Befriend some guy there. Get a drink with him, see if he’s fun. See if he helps you socialize at the level you like to socialize.

My rule of thumb is that I can’t go out with people who are WAY more loud than I am, just as much as I can’t go out with people who are WAY shyer than I am.

I go out with people who are at my level. We talk to girls, we talk to each other, we just focus on having a good time.

You should go out with a group of guys who are in sync with your level of energy, and who maintain or raise that level of energy as a group.

It sounds new-age hippy-ish, but it works. You’d be surprised how much more fun something as simple as catching up over beers is when everyone wants to be there just as much as you do.

Plus, when you’re in company of a bunch of guys who both a) love you and b) help you keep that balance between delusions of grandeur and selling yourself short, rejection from women is much easier to take. They’ve been there, too, and they’ll be ready to help you get right back out there.

6) Have some good looking female friends that you’re not attracted to (who also aren’t attracted to you), who are also fun.

This one is tough for weaker guys who have little going on in their lives, because they often have oneitis for this particular female friend. She’s good looking, she’s fun, and she’s not interested in him. She’s willing to be his friend – but even if he were awesome, she might just not be attracted to him. It’s not like in Hollywood where two people eventually “realize they love each other.” If the attraction’s not there in the beginning it very likely will not appear later unless the guy disappears for a while to become awesome.

However, if you’re a guy who can handle having attractive, fun female friends who are not attracted to you, and you are not so desperate that you are trying to bang them every chance you get, then I have good news for you!

Fun, attractive female friends are the ULTIMATE wingmen.

You heard me.

I mean, look at it from a woman’s perspective: she sees a guy who is fit and well groomed, walking in with a bunch of guys who look like they’re having fun, flanked by three or four attractive women.

Not just ANY attractive women.

I’m talking “I’ve-already-started-comparing-myself-to-these-women” type attractive women.

I mean, that’s the effect attractive people have on other people. The “comparison effect.”

This is not a mental trick. This is not manipulating women. If you were fun and cool enough (and NOT creepy and trying to bang a woman who’s not interested) to have these attractive female friends in the first place, then that becomes a VERY good highlight on your social resume when you enter any establishment.

All it is is showing some strangers that you’re not a creeper.

7) Make your time valuable by being busy with what you love.

At this point, we’re getting into “you’re already seeing a girl” territory. She saw you, you were fit, well-groomed, well-spoken, confident, and had cool friends. You guys have been spending some time together. She likes you, you like her. Good times!

And even better, she’s even called you about spending time together.

And you’re thinking “I should drop all of my things to get coffee/have lunch/get a drink with her every day.”

No.

No, no, no.

Nooooooo.

She’s not your wife yet, holmes. She’s not even your girlfriend yet. And in either of those cases, each person in the relationship should still have his or her own life.

Also, the reason she liked you in the first place was because you had things going on. And of course she wants to see you, and of course you want to see her, but it’s not a race. All in due time.

Honestly, for the first month or so, once to twice a week is fine. Get used to that idea. I would be worried about you (and your bank account) if you had time to be going out 4 days a week.

Also, seeing each other less means you’ll appreciate the time more. You’ll put more effort into finding things to do.

Cause if you get into a routine of seeing each other too often before a level of social effort is established, it can sort of morph into this weird “let’s sit at home and watch TV” kind of pattern. Don’t get me wrong, doing that once in a while is cool. Sometimes it’s nice to just recharge your batteries with your lady. But if that becomes the majority of the time you spend together, and starts eating into the things that she liked about you in the first place… well, then you’re chipping away at your own independence. And then you got problems.

8) Have your own place

If you don’t know why this would be a big plus, I’m not sure I can explain anything else to you.

I’ll even say that it’s okay to have responsible roommates, as long as you have your own place.

But, regardless of what reason you might have for doing this, living with your parents is the anti-poon.

You might be coming from an Asian background and think “but it’s normal for families to stay in the same house.”

That’s true.

But, you know, in most Asian cultures, the order of the day used to be arranged marriage, and this thing called dating never happened.

So if you have a dating life, gentlemen, have your own place.

On the other side of the same coin, be VERY hesitant to date any woman who DOESN’T also have her own place.

As for how having your own place can make you more attractive, the way you maintain it will give her questions to ask about you. Who are the people in those photos? How long have you been living there? Where else have you lived? What are all those things hanging up? Having a woman be curious about you is never a bad thing… unless you’re bringing her to your house and she’s wondering why the hell you’re still living with your parents.

9) Know how to cook

You don’t have to be an iron chef.

Shoot, you don’t even need to know how to make anything complicated. Be able to set an egg well, place it on some well-buttered toast and you’ll be the King of Breakfast.

But, in my traditionalist belief, every man should know how to make 3 or 4 dishes, and make them well.

Reasons:

It’s economical

It’s a life survival skill

It’s a good way to both enjoy a process and its end result, giving you a Zen intuition for short term and long term satisfaction

Women appreciate it

It’s not that hard. My rule is any time I try to cook a new dish, I try making it twice for myself, seeing if it’s good enough, then serve it to other people.

Not only do you get competent at cooking, you gain a new conversation topic, and more people will want to hang around you because you make some kickass grub.

Foods that people love me for:

Guacamole

Stir fried rice noodles

Home-made burgers

Black bean soup

It only takes an hour or so per week to start getting good at cooking, and most of the learning is done by doing it. There are classes you can take, too – just look them up online. Or, you can be like me and just volunteer to help other people around the kitchen when they’re cooking, as well as reading and following recipes, Youtube videos, and good ‘ole experimentation.

If you don’t know how much staying power you get by being able to cook, you need to try it.

10) Be competent at some sort of hobby, be it music, dancing, sports, etc

Once again, forget about why this makes you attractive to women for a second. Just realize that, when you think about what life’s about, why WOULDN’T you go out and gain competency at something you like doing?

Is it against the rules somewhere?

It only makes you a better, more interesting person. And, unless it’s extremely expensive, is worth whatever time you put into it.

Everyone has a hobby that they either gave up, or always wanted to try.

Well, a lot of those same people gave up their hobbies before they became really competent, and a lot of the people who have always wanted to try something are afraid they won’t be any good at it.

This is the heart of the problem – we’re always finding reasons not to do the things we enjoy. Why is that?

I mean, is it too much to ask that you take a f*ckin’ risk once in a while? To put your pride down for a minute so you can get something done that you would actually be proud of? To realize that it doesn’t matter whether you fail right away or not because at heart, it’s what you want to do?

Come on, people. Others have figured it out, so can you.

If you always wanted to dance but say you have two left feet, fix it. Try twice a week for half a year, and if you still have two left feet, try another three months. THEN maybe you should try another hobby.

But to try something that you’ve been thinking about for months, only do it for a week, decide you’re not cut out for it and then puss out… that’s just weak.

Push yourself farther than you think you can go for once. It IS something you’ve wanted to try, right? Or something you’ve loved before? Don’t quit until you decide you’re GOOD enough at it to move on.

That’s how life skills are built. And, when you happen to be skilled at something, the ladies will find it attractive.

In conclusion…

That’s pretty much it. There are lots of things out there that you can do to help you attract women.

But, assuming the activity/attribute is attractive to women, you should also ask yourself the following:

Does this activity make me happier and more functional regardless of women? Is this activity something that can be improved over time with concentrated effort? Is it something I can afford to spend at least 5 hours per week doing?

If it’s yes on all accounts, you have no reason not to do it.

Once again, my list is just stuff that’s worked for me. If these are all things you can do (spoiler: you can), I just did you a huge favor by showing you how to raise the quality of your life AND make you more attractive to the ladies.

You can thank me later, guys. With prostitutes.