I wrote a post a few weeks back touching on the topic of normalcy and how there is really no such thing as a “normal” person. Every normal person you’ve ever met is just a weirdo like you itching to get out of his or her protective shell. I see everybody’s personality like one of those Russian dolls; one shell inside another, and another, until you get to the core where the piece of chocolate is. Just about every “normal” person you know is probably just an acquaintance. Once you get inside their hula hoop and break through their defenses, the jig is up and BINGO there’s that insecure, weirdo you knew was there all along.

You see we all put up these shells around us to protect our ego from feeling vulnerable. When you first meet somebody, what you are meeting is that version of their personality that they are projecting out to the public. You are seeing only what they want you to see, especially when you’re dealing with an adult, while most children can be taken at face value. I do this, you do this, everybody does this to a certain extent that correlates with how high their self confidence is and how high they rank on the “I DON’T GIVE A F***” scale. Because the truth is some of us are truly mentally and emotionally sturdy to their core and some have faced so much criticism and ridicule that they no longer give two shits what anybody thinks. This version of you is the one molded by talking to parents, teachers, policemen, strangers, and any other sort of authority figure who had the potential to react in an unpredictable way “IF” you said or did something outside of the social norm.

Just inside the outer shell is usually the personality you project to your peers. This shell is a little bit closer to the real you, but still has quite a bit of barrier set up to keep out potential embarrassment. When you’re growing up this version of you gets projected to your classmates, the other kids on the baseball team, kids in the neighborhood and at the mall, etc. When you get older it becomes your coworkers, your kids’ friends parents, people you see regularly at the gym or grocery store… you get the picture. These are people that you want to LIKE you. You see them at parties and you might even have a couple beers with them after work, but you still have quite a bit of the real you shrouded in the cloak of normalcy. These are people that you are always scanning and analyzing for clues and subtle signals; hints on whether or not they might be considered good candidates for access into the next level.

The next level requires one to be granted special security clearance. This is where you feel open enough to talk about how you really feel about things. Where you share emotions, cry on shoulders, rant and rave when pissed off, share goals and aspirations. These are people you trust with your dirty laundry and skeletons in your closet. People that also trust you with theirs out of loyalty and genuine caring. They know about your bad habits, favorite tastes in music and food, religious and political views, and any other secrets that may have left the safety of your own skull. Sometimes siblings, parents, and other family members don’t even carry the credentials for access to this version of you.

Family is a touchy subject because no two are the same. A lot of the time family members will know the real you, and you will know theirs, but neither of you would ever admit that the other is right. This builds lots of tension if not addressed in a compassionate way. Sadly some people don’t even allow their own spouses access to this. It might take YEARS of being in a relationship with someone before you start to see the “real them” come out. This is where you can even get to know somebody better than they even know themselves and they can know you better than you even know yourself. It can be an incredibly beautiful thing when you know what each other is thinking and know what they’re going to say before they say it. Closeness and connection are immensely rewarding to the spirit but we still do an excellent job at hiding our flaws out of the fear of rejection and abandonment but you can’t hide everything and definitely not forever. Sometimes the truth of what was being held back comes out in heated arguments and it’s too hard for the relationship (no matter what kind) to bear. When trust in this inner circle is betrayed lives get tossed into total upheaval. Long term couples break up, best friends go separate ways, whole branches of family stop speaking.

I have seen much of this in my day and it truly sucks. This is the kind of emotional and spiritual pain that would be gladly traded for physical pain with no hesitation. The mind actually WILL manifest this kind of trauma as psychosomatic illness when left unchecked. This is one of the main causes of the human condition we call clinical depression. Most depression isn’t some mysterious disease that afflicts random people by chance. Anyone who thinks that is either naive or an asshole. Depression comes from being betrayed, humiliated, abandoned, neglected, or abused either physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually by someone you were supposed to be able to trust. It also comes from the shame, regret, sadness, and guilt of hurting someone you loved in any of the ways I just mentioned. This type of condition isn’t something that drugs can fix. This is something that ends in suicide; whether it ends with some shocking act that everyone thinks happened out of the blue, a slow motion train wreck of a battle with alcohol, drugs, and hopelessness or anywhere in between. This is no joke. I know it has touched my life in many ways and you’d be a liar if you said it hasn’t touched yours. This is why the innermost sphere at the core of your being is the most important of all.

The innermost shell of your being is the story you tell yourself in your own head. It is the thoughts you think to yourself, about yourself when you are sitting awake at night. A history of perceived negative reinforcement from the outside world will program your subconscious mind to beat you up. You can be your strongest ally or your absolute worst nightmare. You can sit in a room full of people that love you, that accept you and it won’t matter because you can completely lay waste to your self from every angle. We’ve all been in the state of mind where you get to thinking “damn I’m such a loser, nobody really likes me, they’re all just pretending to like me, how could anybody love me after what I did, I’m so fat, I’m such a failure, I’m too skinny, I’m so fucking ugly, I’m too short, I’m too tall, I’m such a whore” and on and on.

It’s a scary mental state to be in and it causes a vicious cycle. Shitty thought patterns cause low awareness and shitty choices that result in shitty life experiences which… you guessed it… cause more shitty thoughts. Rinse and repeat. This is a process that has to be derailed and reprogrammed manually. It has to happen on purpose and doesn’t have to follow hitting the proverbial “rock bottom.” Rock bottom happens to be a funeral for too many amazing people on this planet so don’t let that be you or your loved one.

The road you want to be on is the road of personal development and growing up to be the real you. It starts by energizing your physical body and tearing down all of the shells you have erected to protect your ego from feeling uncomfortable. If you want your life to change YOU MUST GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. One has to get off his or her ass and get outside for a walk and start eating a clean diet. This alone has a huge impact on mental clarity and confidence. Then get rid of all of these fragmented personas and start projecting the best version of YOU that you know how to. No more juggling between social groups, just be your damn self no matter what. Give yourself that 10 on the “NOT GIVING A FUCK” scale. Confront past traumas HEAD ON with strength and the will to move beyond the hurt no matter what role you played in the situation. Remember forgiveness is for YOU, not for the other person (even if they are or deserve to be in prison).

I don’t care what you think it is that makes you weird. If it’s something that is actually harmful to you or others, FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY! If it’s just something that is weird and unique, but generally harmless, OWN IT! We only get one shot at this life, and you need all the time you have left to evolve as much as you can toward being the best you you can be. Why would you want to spend your time doing anything other than being yourself, and helping others become their own greatest version? You don’t have to quit your job or run away to do this. It starts right now. The world we live in is pretty damn accepting of just about anything, as long as you can get over your own fear and self doubt about it. You can be a gay, transgender, biker, vegan, who teaches Pilates and have all the true friends you can handle.

From baby steps to giant leaps…

Evolving a little every day, in every possible way.