I’m from Texas. George Strait will always be the country singing legend of Texas. His Houston rodeo concerts are practically a religious event. I remember when he held his last concert in the Astrodome. I owned the CD of concert. Hell, I’ll say he’s the last country singer that can sing with only a fiddle and guitar. U mad Lady Antebellum? Even Garth Brooks in his final concerts in College Station (I WAS THERE) sat on the edge of the stage with his guitar and sang George Strait songs for his encore. That’s how big George Strait is in Texas.

So you can imagine my wife’s surprise when she found out I’ve never seen this film. I cringed when she actually recommended it and shook my head as I pressed play. I’ve seen it now. Yep.

The young boy singing “Heartland” at the beginning is actually kind of adorable. All these Norman Rockwell type pictures remind me of an America I wish we could get back to. One where people posed for pictures that semi-accurately show our way of life. Also, Jesus.

There is an actor named John Doe. Are you too embarrassed to tell your real name? I would be as well. Good ol’ George starts singing and he’s pretty awesome. George has a ponytail?? I can’t even describe how shocked I am. Go back to Alabama you hippie! I’m going to be singing a lot of country music after this movie. I can feel it. I really hope they use all his own music. I don’t want to hear some made up song. I WANT GEORGE!

Apparently his name is Dusty. I’m going to call him George. Deal?

So far he’s done a great job singing his songs. Let’s see what happens when he gets off that stage. It’ll be even better if this is a concert film. What on earth could the plot be?

Kyle Chandler is sleeping with an old lady who is doing her absolute best to look like Susan Sarandon and you probably know what’s going to happen next. I’m only going to call her Susan.

Anywho, here’s my guess at the plot. Kyle Chandler is an up and coming country singer who is forced to sweep up for George. He thinks by sleeping with Susan he’ll get a promotion to full-on megastar singer and be known as Dusty Chandler or something. Also, he looks bad in a cowboy hat. George will get hurt or die and that will give Kyle his chance. Fin.

I’ll never get over this ponytail on George. Was he not believable enough as one of the most well known country singers of his time? Well at least he doesn’t charge of autographs. Susan is holding up some Boone’s farm as he walks to his bus. George is the embodiment of sex appeal when he takes off his shirt and puts on one of those horrible Cowboy/Indian style shirts with too much turquoise.

His acting is pretty bad. The first word that came to mind is wooden. Someone teach this man how to emote! Susan is trying to push Kyle’s song on ol’ George. They aren’t wasting any time with the plot.

They’ve just gone against so many conventions that make George Strait who he is. Ponytail, dark aviator glasses, and crappy beard don’t make me feel for him.

Kyle and George argue about the song. Kyle wants more horns or something and George is being an ass about it. I’m not a musician so I can’t really weigh in on this monumental argument.

OK. Last ponytail remark. It even looks taped on. He has short hair everywhere and then all the sudden a 4-foot ponytail is hanging out.

The drummer sees Kyle and Susan kiss in the background somewhere. Ruh roh! Sadly, 20 years later, people still dress exactly like this in Texas. Kyle straight up starts making out with Susan in George’s bus because his song was so popular. They didn’t add those horns though now did they? You still have a lot to learn about this music thing young man.

George is having problems on the stage. If he’s dies, remember I called it. He puts his guitar down and returns to the mic and sounds really horrible when he tries to continue the song. The crowd still loses their minds as he saunters off stage. He’s totally about to catch Kyle and Susan on his bus. Kyle gets off just in time for George to see him walking away and I bet there is going to be an argument now.

George is not happy with all the smoke and lights. Awesome. I felt something was wrong with all the over-production on stage. If this is about him returning to his roots then I’m OK with that. He calls her out for banging Kyle and tells her to go find another singer. They really got to the point of this film quickly. How is this movie two hours long?

There is a LONG conversation about a dancing chicken between George and his drummer.

George: “Sometimes I feel like a dancing chicken.”

Drummer: “You know what I always wondered? Why didn’t that chicken just hop off the stage?”

Deep, meaningful prose I tells ya.

George has some swagger when he walks. And boy does he walk. He left after the concert and is still walking the next day. He gets picked up hitchhiking by a trucker and everyone is worried about him. Actually, only Susan is worried. No one else cares.

They keep using the same cheesy, background song for any scene without words and that’s a lot of scenes. George ends up in a small town in front of a barbershop. Goodbye beard and ponytail.

Huzzah! The real George is back. It only took 30 minutes. Somehow he looks older without the beard. He walks into a diner filled with stereotypes and tries to act like he’s not famous. Even his acting style has changed. He seems way more comfortable now that he’s playing himself. Beards must make you a jerk. They make me feel like a homeless person.

How did he manage to get a ride all the way back to his grandma’s house? His grandma is calling him out about the parade of people he usually has in tow. I love grandmothers. It takes about 5 minutes before he has a guitar in his hands. I’m glad they are giving him lots of reasons to sing. He takes off with his original guitar and walks down the road. Grandma must not have a car. Give that man a ride old woman!

He’s seriously walked about 239084329048329048329048 miles so far. It’s only an estimate people, but I bet it’s close. After another 203894390 miles, he ends up at a country bar and asks about a rental car place. Weird way to go about that. He used to play at this bar. Single tear….

I really hope he doesn’t show up for this concert. I do love how much everyone hates Susan. Maybe she shouldn’t wear horrible leather dresses. Kyle takes over for George and I don’t even care. There’s enough smoke and lights that people don’t even notice. The story with George getting back to his roots is way more interesting. They could drop the whole other plot line for all I care.

Uh oh. Looks like George found his long, lost love at his old bar. Seeing him awkwardly sway to music is hilarious and charming all at once. He’s so drunk he is Shawshanking in the rain when his crush comes outside. She’s being bothered by a redneck and he stumbles over to help. That’s how George got his butt kicked in the rain. Lot’s of physical comedy all the sudden.

Plot line Kyle is happening. Not even worth writing about. Consider the rest of this recap about George only. When the stories converge I’ll mention those characters again.

I guess the woman George tried to save took him home with her. It’s about to get all romantic and stuff. They brush horses together. That’s the first step in a cowboy romance. Second step: breakfast. Third step: ____?? Fourth step: profit.

Her whole family is at breakfast. It’s really awkward and so is George’s acting again. The girl is named Harley, by the way. I guess her dad expected another boy. I want some bacon. There is some type of inside joke going on at this table and no one is going to explain what it is.

Harley’s redneck man from last night shows up and George ain’t gonna take too kindly to that. Time for round two and George isn’t drunk this time. He re-breaks the guy’s nose and then steps on his hand. Love it.

George and Harley’s dad share all the background we were missing and find out their ranch is failing and it’s up to Harley to save it at the rodeo. You know what else could save the ranch? Marrying a country superstar.

George pulls out a wad of cash and buys a horse, bunkhouse, and rope. Looks like he’s staying just long enough to fall in love and change someone’s life.

Cars is a remake of Pure Country. Not entirely, but they are very similar. Did I just blow your mind? I have that effect on women.

George is now going pure country and learning how to rope and ride. Harley is unimpressed on the outside, but begging to have his babies on the inside.

Pure Country is brought to you by GMC trucks. Just in case you missed it when you saw this 20 years ago.

Harley and George are about to go on a horseback ride. If that’s not innuendo, I don’t know what is. They recount lost loves and fall in love on a race through a pasture. Exactly how my wife and I got together. EXACTLY.

The drummer is waiting for them and George isn’t really happy. Or sad. Or mad. Or anything. I’m saying he’s not a good actor.

Drummer: “You’re a flat, lying cur dog.”

Shakespeare would be jealous of this poetry.

They have a jam session on the porch and Harley falls more in love than ever. They are incredibly confused as to how she doesn’t know he’s a huge music superstar. Just make out already!

Side note: I burned the inside of my mouth the other day when I checked to see if my homemade chicken nuggets were done. Chicken nuggets are awesome.

Our two lovers dance the night away until dumb Susan shows up and ruins the entire movie. She’s actually jealous even though she’s been banging stupid Kyle. Susan tells Harley she’s married to George. That won’t end well. SUSAN IS THE WORST PART OF THIS MOVIE. They were almost happy!

Now I have to start recapping everything again. Kyle tells some reporter he faked a performance as George. Susan sucks. Harley refuses to take George’s calls.

Kyle wants to perform the fake show again and Susan is begging him not to reveal the truth. When people are that passionate about stuff, they are trouble. That’s a little nugget of life for you. George is going back to guitars and singing and if you aren’t along for the ride then you can just start walking.

Back at the ranch, Harley has forgotten how to ride a horse because of love. The big rodeo is in Las Vegas. That also happens to be the location of George’s next concert.

Stupid Kyle has revealed the secret to the world and the Country Music Network is on the case. Sounds legit. This film has a lot of pointless montages. Dialogue can’t be that hard to write. George is having a staff meeting and telling them it’s time to get back to basics. I couldn’t agree more.

It’s time to get extra American at the rodeo. There is something impressive about seeing the American flag rode around on a horse though. Reminds me of home, but at home it’d be a Texas flag first and then maybe, just maybe, an American flag. Harley is actually surprised when George shows up at the rodeo to love her again. Her dad calls him chicken shit and it’s awesome. I’ve never understood the point of barrel racing. Or Rocky Mountain jeans.

Showdown at the O.K. Hotel Room. George calls Kyle a fraud and an extortionist. Someone is taking their night classes at DeVry seriously.

Harley and her family get a free limo and tickets to George’s show. And now you know how I asked my wife to marry me. I performed as George Strait to a sold out crowd in Las Vegas. Works every time.

The Country Music Network gathered no information on the alleged incident with stupid Kyle even though he told every other news outlet about what happened. Great job guys. Real hard-nosed reporting there.

Susan apologizes to George for being a huge piece of crap and the show is about to get going. Harley is already in love with him again and I have to know, did she really not know who he was?

Hell, I’d marry George Strait if he sang a song directly to me.

“I cross my heart and promise to give all I’ve got to give to make all your dreams come true. In all the world you’ll never find a love as true as mine.’

Now that’s how you tell a woman you love her.

Final Thoughts

I like parts of this movie. The George stuff returning home and finding his country soul were pretty good. He is by no means a good actor, but this movie didn’t require him to be at all. I probably would have enjoyed this movie a lot more when it actually came out, but I can’t really know that now can I?

I may actually write about those television tapings this week. We’ll just have to see.

March 11, 2012: Ghost Writer