More than one percent of all children born in the United States today have autism. Some people, whom we shall politely refer to as "squealing jackasses" (we have some far more impolite terms ready), blame vaccines for the rise in cases. The real cause of this supposed autism boom is the simple fact that it was first diagnosed in 1943, so we basically only just figured out autism is a thing. We sat down with several high-functioning autistic people and asked them what our readers should know about their condition. Here's what they said:

#6. Pop Culture Always Gets Autism Wrong

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You can say this for Hollywood: They're not at all scared to depict autism on screen. The problem is that they have one very narrow vision of what an autistic person looks like. It's nearly always a white dude who's employed in some sort of field where all his "hilarious" quirks allow him to shine.

Chris: "... which is a pipe dream for the many of us who can't get a job beyond janitor, even with college degrees. We need more portrayals that focus on the disability part of high-functioning autism, while still humanizing us."

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This is gibberish to most autistic people, too.

In reality, 25 percent of autistic people are non-verbal and 54 percent of them have an IQ below 85. It's not easy to fit those stories on TV, though. And when high-functioning, "media-friendly" autistic people are depicted on television, they're about as far from "accurate" as Big Bang Theory is from "comedy."

Nina Mason: "QUICK: I say 'autistic person in television,' you think ... who? Probably Sheldon from Big Bang Theory or Sherlock from A Show Definitely Not Named for the Main Character. Neither is a good representation of autism, starting with the fact that both are very sarcastic men, and most people with autism cannot understand sarcasm."

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Don't think too hard about the irony of most autistic people not being able to see the irony in that. You'll just give yourself a headache.

"There's actually a sort of Voight-Kampff test for Asperger's syndrome ... in which you get read this story where Bob takes Sally to a restaurant that's supposed to be great, and the food and service turn out to be a disaster. At the end of the story, Sally says, 'Yeah, this sure was a great restaurant you took me to.' Most people recognize that she's being a smartass. People with Asperger's (and some forms of autism) will say that she's lying so she doesn't hurt Bob's feelings."

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The added line "... and now I totally want to sleep with you" merely tests whether the subject is male.

More nuanced, realistic portrayals of autistic individuals -- The Bride and Parenthood, to name two -- were praised by our sources. But there are no portrayals to be found of non-verbal individuals or their caretakers. Hollywood's fine with showing autism, but only the sexy kind where utterly charming geniuses simply aren't very tactful.

#5. Our Largest Charity Wants To "Cure" Us

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Autism Speaks is the largest autism advocacy organization in the world, which is kind of weird, considering that they have zero autistic people on their board of directors. They used to have one, but he quit because he was tired of the organization making autistic people out to be defective or diseased. It's not a super great sign when you can't pay an autistic person to lead your autism charity.

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"That's it? He didn't even leave a witty one-liner, or a 'Bazinga?'"

Obviously, our sources had profoundly negative opinions of the organization:

Nina Mason: "I honestly can't talk about it without devolving rapidly into a tiny rabid ball of incoherent fury."

Chris: "According to their own internal audit, the organization only uses four percent or so of its money to actually help people who have autism live better lives, and over 30 percent of it researching the causes of autism so they can 'cure' it. This includes researching what causes autism in the womb. Meaning they are researching eugenics so that we can stop existing."

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Combining modern medical science with decades-old outdated social science isn't the wacky romp you'd think it'd be.

Many autistic people are high-functioning, and the fact that they are autistic is just one factor that's contributed towards making them whoever they are today. If somebody wanted to start a campaign to "breed out" something integral to your personality -- your affinity for science fiction, your inexplicable love of penny farthings, your penchant for terrible puns -- you might find it a bit offensive as well. But then again, about half of autistic people are low-functioning, and a quarter are non-verbal. Autism has robbed them of any chance at a normal life. You can't look at a child who lives trapped inside of their own head and not want to do something about it. Not to mention the other, less talked about downsides:

Chris: "It's incredibly common for autistics to have problems with their GI tract. These health problems blow, and you can't say that it's a mixture of good and bad. The mental differences, yeah. You could say it's not all bad, and some of it's good. The physical health problems? We don't all have them, but the problems really suck."

#4. Sometimes Self-Diagnosis Is Important

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"Self-diagnosed autistic person" is Internet shorthand for "terrible person." And to be sure, anybody who exploits a disease to excuse their awful behavior is a big burlap sack full of flaccid dongs. But there are a whole bunch of people who had to self-diagnose, because there was a time when almost nobody knew what autism was.

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"I found out because it was the next word in my 'highlight every word in the dictionary' hobby."

Nina Mason: "... when I was a kid, I'd been diagnosed with ADHD and OCD for years, with a whole lot of disturbing symptoms that were covered by neither diagnosis, and so got lumped together into 'probable schizophrenia.' When I was 14, one of my teachers went, 'But wait -- I read this article, and this, this, and this are all covered by autism, as are these, these, and these, which none of your diagnoses cover. I think you should show this article to your mom.'

"My mom agreed, and spoke to my psychiatrist, who didn't want to change my diagnosis, because although autism was first described in the 1940s and these conversations took place in 2004, he had never heard of a woman with autism."

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"Don't worry, kiddo; you can still be whatever you dream, be it a housewife, librarian, or even a powerful man's secretary."

Women are still less likely to be diagnosed with autism today, and part of it is due to the fact that we expect young girls to be more social. So they get more experience interacting with other kids, which helps to "camouflage" their symptoms. Nina's psychiatrist eventually did some research and changed her diagnosis. She was one of the lucky ones. It's incredibly common for people with autism to be misdiagnosed as bipolar. Unless we're talking medical marijuana, it is generally a bad idea to take medicine for conditions you don't have. For example:

"... look up 'lithium toxicity' and 'barbiturate poisoning' if you want some nightmares tonight, or consider that for twelve years I had to have blood work every three to six months to be sure my medication was not literally eating my liver."