CANADA – After years of top 10 finishes, Canada has finally become the best nation in the world thanks to only seeing a modest increase in fascism and regressive politics when compared to every other country.

“It was pretty close between us and Norway,” said MP Chandra Arya, popping a bottle of champagne. “But they just doubled down on arctic oil drilling so that puts us over the top.”

For decades, Canada’s strategy of “staying the course” and “not changing anything” seemed to destine the nation for first world mediocrity. Recently, the government has elected to not address growing income inequality, pharmaceutical costs or tainted water on indigenous reserves but, on the plus side, Kellie Leitch is still only polling at 20% so it kind of evens out.

“England was the first to go with UKIP and Brexit. Then it was France with Marine La Pen. Now Sweden is home to the Nordic Resistance Movement,” sighed UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “Canada has made no significant strides in progressive policy in the last decade and yet, compared to everyone else, they’re a shining beacon of hope.”

“Oh god, the world is crumbling.”

But not everyone is worried.

“Looks like we didn’t need that electoral reform after all,” shouted Minister of Health Jane Philpott. “Hashtag winning at tolerance, fuckers!”

At press time, shit nevermind, Germany is still doing pretty great.