For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, here are the two articles.

Luke Winkie: Reasons Why Austin is the Worst Place EVER

http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512

Evan Berkowitz: Why 5-Star Miles Turner Shouldn't Commit to Texas

http://www.dailytexanonline.com/sports/2014/04/23/why-five-star-recruit-myles-turner-should-not-choose-texas

I'd like to start off by saying that it's nearly pointless to criticize these articles considering the fact that the respective publishers of these articles have very little respect in the journalism community.

Vice, a condescending circle-jerk of contrarians that get off on being edgy, and the dumpster fire that is The Daily Texan, whose student writers focus on the important issues like antagonizing fraternities and sororities that they're not members of or dissuading promising athletes from trying to come to our school, don't exactly demand the respect of CNN, or really even the University of Texas student body. These articles probably don't even need to be addressed, but since my Vyvanse hasn't worn off yet, and since I haven't accomplished a single task that I set out to do today, I might as well do something of value and valiantly defend this school and city.

Now, I can't say that I'm the greatest representative for our university; I'm not in the McCombs School of Business, my GPA starts with the number 2, and I've been on a Kentucky-Deluxe-fueled study break now that's lasted me about 6 semesters. My apartment smells like Mogadishu, I spent all of my BevoBucks on beer, and my parents have tapped the breaks on their hopes for my once-brilliant future.

But what I can proudly claim, until I'm thrown out of here for failing a freshman elective, is that I am not a traitor. I'm not a whore who would sell out his own university or city of residence for fame, especially one as amazing as ours.

It's clearly click bait writing--being inflammatory for the sake of being inflammatory, and despite my tenuous grasp on the human language, I do understand that a pissed-off response from a concerned reader like myself is ironically exactly what their intended reaction was, but I just couldn't sit still on these. The whiny way that Luke writes makes him tantamount to the guy in The Da Vinci Code who whips himself on the back for penance, and the way Evan talks about Texas basketball games, you'd think he never went drunk (do people go to Texas athletic events sober?)

Luke delves deep into the issues of Austin, making bold claims like "Austin is a place where bad people live," citing the horrific realities of considering paying $11 for a sandwich "a societal good." Oh my god, what is this, Syria? Or god forbid I enjoy one of Austin's quirks like whiskey-infused bacon, what a brick in the wall of society I am! I'm really contributing to the cause of Austin's self-implosion "under the density of its own facetiousness" (ACTUAL QUOTE).

We get it you diva, you're familiar with SAT vocabulary. What I can't seem to grasp is why you are so convinced that our enjoyment of these things is illegitimate: "You don't actually care about whiskey-infused bacon, you're pretending to because that's what keeps the whole city from feeling like a big lie."

What the hell are you talking about? Are you reading a prophecy? This isn't The Matrix, there's not a hidden universe of truth despite the fact you think you've found one. People enjoy the weirdness of this place regardless of whether you think that weirdness is legitimate or not.

Evan on the other hand simply writes a mediocre sports article, listing reasons in a Buzzfeed-esque way about how football is a bigger sport here and that Kansas is a better basketball school. Real groundbreaking journalism there William Randolph Hearst, must've taken a lot of time to research that. Good to see the Texan employs such dedicated writers.

We're in the South, of course football's bigger here. But that doesn't mean that basketball has no fan base--having a player like Myles Turner, on the back of a team that majorly overachieved last year, is going to draw some sellout crowds. Do you see the ridiculousness of telling him he shouldn't come here because the fan base isn't good? By his coming here, the fan base improves, and after last year's unexpected middle-season surge, Texas basketball has people excited.

My overarching point to you turncoats is if you don't like it here, there are plenty of people who would jump at the chance to come to this mecca of hot women, sports and drinking. I've bled orange since I was a child, and I cried big ol' bitch tears when I got in I was so happy (mainly shocked, I wasn't exactly the valedictorian of my high school, either). So if whiskey-infused bacon really boils your blood that much, or if you'd rather hang out at a KU game than at one of ours, good riddance. That's just one or two more slices of 3-in-the-morning Big Bite pizza for me.

(Very) Sincerely,

Keenan Parker Womack, Class of '16 (but probably '17)