EDMONTON – The Alberta government has pulled an all nighter hammering out a new law that forces all females under the age of majority to apply for and receive a government license before expressing themselves verbally within the confines of the province.

“Contrary to what’s being bandied about in the press, this has nothing to do with any specific current events,” Premier Jason Kenney said in a press conference announcing the new law. “This is solely about keeping Alberta safe from unlicensed underage female communication.”

“I want to make it clear that the government of Alberta is not afraid of teenage girls,” Kenney said. “And it’s currently illegal for any of them to say otherwise.”

Though the licensing process is similar to applying for a passport and it will take at least a month for the first licenses to be granted, there is no grace period included in the law, which goes into effect immediately.

“We understand that some are calling this an onerous regulation. Not any of the girls it applies to, of course, that kind of comment will get them thrown in jail,” Kenney said.

“I’m sure they’ll understand when they’re older.”

The Alberta government has expressed a surprising indifference to the myriad of court challenges immediately brought against it, merely stating that as long as the law is in effect it will be vigorously enforced.

“We can’t know what the future will hold, we simply ask that everyone in Alberta respect the law while it exists,” Kenney said. “Visitors, especially.”

In the same session that resulted in the new licensing rule, the legislature also passed a law requiring all males under the age of 18 to swear a loyalty oath to Suncor.