If you’re more than double your girlfriend’s age or triple her weight, you might be a sexpat.

If you”ve had more STDs in Cambodia than bouts of food poisoning, you might be a sexpat.

If you spend more money on prostitutes than you do on your rent, you might be a sexpat.

If since you moved to Phnom Penh, you’ve learned more words in Vietnamese than you have in Khmer, you might be a sexpat.

If you have ever said “I wish Cambodia was more like Pattaya,” you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever stopped off at a brothel while on your way to Martinis, you might be a sexpat.

If you enjoy hanging out in local bars and attempting to engage total stangers in a discussion about blow jobs, you might be a sexpat.

If your native language is French and your girlfriend’s a wench, you might be a sexpat.

If you think Brother Number One is a brand of condoms for black guys, you might be a sexpat.

If you fired your last girlfriend and gave her a severance payment, you might be a sexpat.

If you regularly post on km11.com or any successor website, you might be a sexpat.

If you”ve learned the Khmer words for ‘penis’ ‘vagina’ ‘fuck’ and ‘orgasm,’ but you don’t know how to say ‘ear’ ‘wrist’ ‘smilé’ or ‘angry,’ you might be a sexpat.

If you spend your downtime between shags surfing porn at Sunny Internet, you might be a sexpat.

If you keep a list of names of all the girls at Sophie’s, then cross off each one after you screw her (Yes, I knew a guy who did this), you might be a sexpat.

If you have more condoms in your apartment than hairs on your head, you might be a sexpat.

If you have a mamsan on direct dial, you might be a sexpat.

If you and your girlfriend each have more tattoos than teeth, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever complained to your friends that the girls at the Rose Bar are stuck up and standoffish, you might be a sexpat.

If you still fumble to open one of those 500 riel bottles of water, yet you can hide all the valuables in your apartment within 10 seconds of your ‘date’ entering the bathroom, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever tried to barfine a girl from Lucky Supermarket, you might be a sexpat.

If you can give perfect directions to Le Cyrcee but you can’t find the Post Office, you might be a sexpat.

If you once bought a krama because you thought it would make a good ‘jizz rag,’ you might be a sexpat.

If you”ve ever grumbled that the international airport departure tax is ‘two and half short times’, you might be a sexpat.

If you worry more about catching HIV than you do about catching bird flu, you might be a sexpat.

If your idea of foreplay is taking a shower while your date sits on the bed watching karaoke videos, you might be a sexpat.

If your cell phone isn’t the only thing in you apartment that vibrates, you might be a sexpat.

If the kids selling books and newspaper on the riverside always ask you “Hey, Mister, you want Viagra?”, you might be a sexpat.

If you”re ashamed to look your cleaning lady in the eye, you might be a sexpat.

If you ordinarily ejaculate more times in one week than you brush your teeth, you might be a sexpat.

If you think Hun Sen is a 90’s boy band from Oklahoma, you might be a sexpat.

If you have more Hawaiian shirts than Cambodian friends, you might be a sexpat.

If you’re on Street 63 and you ARE 63, you might be a sexpat.

If your idea of a romantic al fresco dinner is eating on the balcony at Sharky’s, you might be a sexpat.

If you own more singlets than books, you might be a sexpat.

If your father was a Nazi goon and your girlfriend is a skanky youn, you might be a sexpat.

If your idea of a daily exercise regimen is waddling from Shanghai to the Walkabout, you might be a sexpat.

If you think the traditional Water Festival should involve more women pissing on you, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever lamented that Pol Pot’s genocide has reduced the availability of prime 25 to 29 year old pussy, you might be a sexpat.

If instead of meeting your last girlfriend through a mutual acquaintance, you met her through a fish bowl, you might be a sexpat.

If you became sexually aroused viewing the Apsara carvings at Angkor Wat, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve convinced yourself that young Asian women really do love men with huge stomachs and wrinkled balls, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever tried to win an argument with a woman by saying “But you know I butterfly,” you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever wanted to visit Kampong Speu because you’re intrigued by its name, you might be a sexpat.

If you can screw a woman in twelve different positions but you can’t do a sit up, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever played an entire game of pool with a local woman before realizing that you had once shagged her, you might be a sexpat.

If you’re a drunken Mick with something oozing from your dick, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve ever calculated how many years it will be before a flower girl turns 18, you might be a sexpat.

If Dr. Gavin Scott has seen your cock more often than you’ve seen Wat Phnom, you might be a sexpat.

If you wake up more than twice a month next to a deaf girl, you might be a sexpat.

If you”ve learned the Khmer word for “cum” but not the Khmer word for “come”, you might be a sexpat.

If you heard about last year’s opening of Zanzibar and said “I hope it’s like the one in Siem Reap”, you might be a sexpat.

If your landlord complains that your apartment smells like fish, and you don’t even eat seafood, you might be a sexpat.

If your penis has been inside more local mouths than a Calmette hospital tongue depressor, you might be a sexpat.

If you’ve had more sex in Thailand and Cambodia than you have in all other countries of the world combined, you might be a sexpat.

If your idea of a local woman playing ‘hard to get’ is when she demands an extra $5 for a rim job, you might be a sexpat.

And finally . . . .

If your passport is Canadian, your shirt is Hawaiian, your girlfriend is Cambodian, your mistress is Vietnamese, and your ex-wife is Filipina, you are definitely a sexpat.

Gavinmac