In January and February of 2015, after I lost a federal byelection, I refused to get out of bed. I rarely showered, washed my hair, brushed my teeth or left the house. In January and February of 2016 things were different. I had a job. I was the Member of Parliament for Whitby and parliamentary secretary to the prime minister for heaven's sakes. I had to get out of bed, have a shower, wash my hair and get out of the house (let alone get out of the bed). It was very overwhelming. So overwhelming, in fact, that one day in late February I abruptly left a meeting I was having with my caucus colleagues, had a brief stay in an Ottawa emergency room, then left on a train, en route to Whitby.

Whitby MP Celina Caesar-Chavannes speaks with with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in his office. (Photo: PMO) I spent the entire train ride sobbing uncontrollably. I had makeup streaming down my face and had to use my dress to wipe my nose. I was what one would call a "hot mess!" I had been diagnosed with depression in mid-2015, but this was different. I was spiralling out of control and I did not know what to do. I sat on the train thinking, "Will anybody help me? Does anybody see how much pain I am in?" By the time I got home, I felt at a total loss. Like my life was slipping away. A couple of phone calls later (and here I thank Don Stuss for being my "phone a friend"), I was in Sunnybrook hospital, under the alias of Lisa May, sitting for six hours beside a man who needed more help than I did, and a woman who needed more help than he did. When I finally saw a doctor -- who clearly knew that I needed to be an in-patient -- there were no beds. Alas, the paradox of being a mental-health patient in our health-care system. I felt like I could not get out of a deep dark hole. No matter how hard I tried, the hole either got deeper or wider, there was no getting out The weeks and months that followed were precipitated by a series of erratic behaviours, usually involving nasty emails to colleagues, constant fights with my husband (not to mention a couple of calls to a divorce lawyer), limited time spent at social gatherings and a see-saw of medications. Medications for mood, motivation and to help me with sleeping. Some made me gain weight, others made me nauseous, and others simply did not work. My life had turned into a never-ending episode of WTFville. All I could think of was "Why now?" Why is this happening to me now? Why is my life falling apart now?