Please note: This article contains discussion of depression and suicide which some readers may find triggering and upsetting.

Like a heavy punch to the gut that leaves me wheezing, every time I hear about a wasted life in the news through suicide, it brings my own dreadful experiences with depression roaring back with an intense agony, ripping apart old wounds as if they had just been inflicted.

A statement regarding the death of Hollywood actor Verne Troyer at the tragically young age of 49, referred heavily to depression and suicide and to struggles that the star had overcome numerous times but had been unable to win against this time. No cause of death has been officially confirmed but the statement makes it clear that Verne had many demons.



It has always been my experience with mental health issues – and that of many others, I can only imagine – that it lies dormant during good times, just waiting to pounce on you unawares. Even during the highs of life, those blighted by depression, anxiety and many other conditions always have it as a part of them.


A great many of us survive it – albeit with a great struggle – but for many men and women, the impact on the mind and the arduous battles we face in life can prove too much. Suicide is statistically the biggest killer of men in the UK – men of all backgrounds with all kinds of jobs, histories, riches and more.

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I still remember with a chilling foreboding the grip on my stomach when the blackness of depression overcame me.

For the first time in my life, I write to a forum and audience of potentially millions that I have made two attempts on my own life. And I have considered suicide a third time, only to be pulled back from the brink by the thought of never again seeing those I love.

It’s not something that I talk about at all and I believe that it is something that would surprise people who know me. And it’s very important to acknowledge that anyone can be affected by depression. I like to think of myself as friendly, I like to make light of every situation and I hate confrontation. As someone who suffers with anxiety and social anxiety, getting into an argument with someone – even on social media or email – leaves me quite unwell.

I will always have a black dog nearby but it is something that I now cope with and often don’t give any notice to. I have had incredible experiences with the NHS – my GP is an absolute godsend who has all of the time in the world for me and a mental health nurse gave me her ear in very helpful talking sessions. I have a wonderfully supportive wife, a loving family and some fantastic friends. I am a very, very lucky human being.

And that’s inevitably what pulled me back from the brink. I had to delve into my own mindset and explore what was making me no longer want to live and then, more importantly, try and find the things that were worth fighting for. And there are always things. My marriage, my family, my friends, my job, my ability to help others, the opportunities I might never experience, my pets and the not knowing what is around the corner that could change the way I felt.



I am more lucky than many other people in the world – some of whom are poverty-stricken, abused, homeless or ill. But that is not how depression works – it is a condition that does not discriminate and so celebrities with a wealth of fortune and opportunity can be as susceptible as the next person.

As a human race, I like to think that we are all growing a little more understanding of mental health issues but there is a long way to go. Where men are concerned, there is still the shame of being seen as less of a masculine figure if we let on that our feelings are getting the better of us.

And of course, not everyone is as lucky as me. I struck gold with my mental health support from the NHS – they literally saved my life more than once. But dramatic cuts mean this is not what everyone can experience and the thought of feeling the way I did – that blackness, hopelessness and self loathing – and doing so on my own is a terrifying one.

Robin Williams sadly took his own life (Picture: WireImage)

Tragedies like the passing of Verne Troyer and other high profile deaths such as Robin Williams always brings this topic back to the front of my mind and reminds me of where so many people find themselves – and it is imperative that we do more to tackle mental health.

In schools, we need to educate about it. Our government needs to pour resources into it. Our entertainment industry needs to represent it. And we all just need to be a bit more tolerant and kinder to each other.


The statistics around depression and suicide are staggering and if men can’t feel like they have allies and that they can be open about what is in their mind, then their problems snowball and become practically unfixable. As a society we are educated enough to know that this cannot continue.

To those on social media making jokes about Verne’s passing, shame on you. To those branding people who are so distraught they don’t feel like they can live on as selfish, please do try and think what it must have been like for them.

And to those who have been there, who are there, and who may end up there (and that is a lot), remember that there is always somewhere to turn.

Speak to your GP. Make full use of Samaritans, Mind or CALM. Speak to someone you love and trust.

And know that many people, like me, end up in situations where they think ‘fuck, this is it’ and then end up flourishing and genuinely happy.

Men, there is no shame in feeling sad, hopeless or scared. Speaking out was the best and bravest thing I ever did. And I am still here now because of it.

Need support? Contact the Samaritans For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org, visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website.

MORE: Austin Powers actor Verne Troyer dies aged 49

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