Back in 2015, I was depressed. All my friends moved away to college except for me. I remained in Sacramento puttering around in community college, and when I wasn’t attending class I was playing video games, or doing menial labor for my family’s antique business. At the age of 19, my life simultaneously felt like it was just beginning and was already over. In my depression addled brain, there was nowhere I could go that was better. Nothing I could do to improve my situation. Simply put, happiness felt out of my hands and over my head.

But then I discovered Casey Neistat’s YouTube channel. Despite his life being largely dissimilar to mine, I immediately connected with him. He faced life’s challenges head on — raising a child as a teenager, moving to New York with no money, and then starting a filmmaking career from scratch. Casey doesn’t just overcome what life throws at him, he chews it up and spits it right back out. He ran his first marathon only months after shattering his leg in a motorcycle accident for god’s sake.

On his channel, Casey has preached a workaholic mentality. He believes that if you want something for your life, the only thing stopping you is yourself. That the world can be tough, but you can be tougher. Work Harder. Do More. It’s the cliche American dream mythos that you’ve heard a million times, but it certainly seems real when you see Casey’s cavernous studio, filled to the brim with all the metaphorical and literal trophies he’s collected over the years.

Within weeks, I began to idolize Casey, modeling my life based on his in whatever way I could. I began running, taking my writing more seriously, and I even considered copying his tattoos. Within the year, my work paid off.

I was accepted to UC Santa Barbara. Moving away to college gave me the opportunity to really test out my newfound ideology. In the parlance of Casey, I was grabbing a vine in the jungle, not knowing where I was going, but knowing that I was at least moving forward.

Casey’s Chart Explaining the Tarzan Method

“Life is like going the wrong way on a moving walkway. Stand still and you go backwards. Walk and you stay put. To get ahead, you have to hustle.” Casey’s vlogs were a daily reminder to hustle. It was magical. I mean, where else can you get a new source of inspiration to be your best self every day?

Years later, I no longer want a “Work Harder” tattoo, but Casey’s videos have permanently imprinted themselves on me in other ways. I’ve found happiness in progress, and I’ve found progress through work. Long distance running progressed into backpacking, which culminated in me hiking 1,500 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail this summer. Two weeks after my hike, I found progress by haphazardly moving to Portland, Oregon. Now that I’m here, I’m attempting to progress in my career, in my in running, in my yoga practice, in my writing, in my understanding of myself — in my everything.

My obsession with progress has also led me to become an unrelenting self-critic. Whenever I watch an episode of TV or drink a beer — I feel guilty. Neither of those activities are progress. They are the equivalent of just standing backwards on a moving walkway. Pulling me further away from the person I want to be and closer to devolving into the depressed kid that I was before discovering Casey. Time and time again, I’ve found “progress” to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever my head spins and I feel lost in the darkness, working towards personal progress has always given me a direction.

On the day I’m writing this, Casey just uploaded a video titled, “MY LiFE iN LA”, that opens with him sitting on a beach, saying, “When I came to California, I had two big picture goals. I wanted to slow down so I can spend more time doing things like being with my family and doing things that I like doing. Basically everything, but work. I wanted to move here and work less.”

He later goes on to say, “As long as you’ve known me, work has been my life. And everything else including family, has been on the sidelines. I’ve never been honest with myself about that, because I think it took me a minute…to realize how much I’ve put everything on hold for the hustle, for the grind, for finding success in my career.”

Three weeks ago, I moved to Portland to keep progressing, but so far it’s felt pretty stagnant. I’ve continued to exercise regularly, but the only job I’ve found is at a department store. I’m afraid that my life’s moving backwards. That I’m not going to find any career in writing. That I’m going to live check to check for the foreseeable future.

After watching today’s vlog, I’ve been left with this uneasy feeling. If Casey’s put personal success and progress on the backburner, then where does that leave me?