WELCOME! With all our hearts, welcome. We could not be more excited that you’re here. You are taking some brave steps into the hard work of change and we are grateful for your courage. But, to be an ally that we can trust and use, there are some things you’ll need to know.

1. It’s not about you.

You are not the oppressed minority. Seeing the pain is not the same as living it. As much as you may not want it to be true, you are part of the privileged class, and you don’t get to pretend otherwise just because you see how problematic it can be. Don’t insult us by co-opting our pain.

2. It’s not about you.

You DO NOT TOUCH a woman without her consent. It doesn’t matter that you recognize the harm done by viewing every encounter as sexualized, you don’t get to be the one to break that down. Do not rub legs, do not let your hands slide down to a woman’s waist during a hug, do not initiate. You follow her lead.

3. It’s not about you.

Men are used to being able to speak freely and have people listen to them. Women are not. So in female centered spaces, you need to be extremely mindful of how much space you are taking up. Are you dominating the conversation? Are women given the space and time necessary to learn to use their voices? In a female centered space, you are a guest and an observer.

4. It’s not about you.

Every behavior that men are guilty of, women are guilty of too. Women sexually harass, women rape, women dominate conversations. This is all true. But the power dynamic and the proportions are what make the difference. So in a conversation about sexual harassment, quell the impulse to relate issues of male victimhood. It can happen, but with no where NEAR the frequency of female victimhood. So stop derailing the conversation.

5. It’s not about you.

Nothing is the same as being raped. Nothing. Not being silenced in a female centered space, not being defrauded, not paying too much for your rent. Until you can give it the weight it needs, just practice keeping the word rape out of your mouth. Also, jokes about rape and sexual assault can ONLY be funny if they aim up, not down. Jokes about people receiving dick pics are only funny if the butt of the joke is the sender, not the receiver.

6. It’s not about you.

You do not get to claim feminism in order to gain cool and edgy points, you don’t get to claim it just because you married a feminist, and you sure as hell don’t get to claim it so you can troll feminist gatherings for sexual partners. Do your homework. Read a book. Practice humility.

7. It’s not about you.

A woman can use her body to make a point. Because it’s her body and she’s taking it back. You can not. You cannot point to a woman’s body, say, one who should be treated as a colleague, and make her an object lesson.

8. It’s not about you.

Seeing a woman angry can feel threatening to people who are not used to it. Seeing a woman exercise authority can feel threatening. So if you are ever tempted to say, “Woh. She just went nuts!” step back and ask yourself if you would describe a man that way. Was she actually yelling? Or just speaking directly. Was she truly defensive and unreasonable? Or was she just unyielding to the male perspective. Women should not need to make you feel comfortable in order to get their message out. You will need to do the work of overcoming your own bias so you can hear it.

9. It’s not about you.

If you have read the books and taken the classes, that’s awesome. But you still don’t know more than those of us who have been “in the field” for decades. So LISTEN. Listen to us when we say no. And I don’t just mean about sexual encounters. I mean when we say, “No. That’s not how we want feminism represented.” “No, I don’t want to do that.” “No, I will not help you.” LISTEN.

10. It’s not about you.

You don’t get to be a leader here. There are plenty of us qualified to handle that.

11. It’s not about you.

Your feelings will not necessarily be taken into consideration. And that can feel hurtful and isolating. So then extrapolate that into an entire life’s worth of experience and you will being to develop empathy for being a woman.

So when is it about you? When you want to be a stay at home dad and feel unsupported. When you feel the pressure of being a sole breadwinner. When you feel your whole worth defined by how much you make and how big your house is and how beautiful your wife is. When your normal sexual desires are pathologized into animal lust. When you are in a position of power and it is your job to make sure women are included. When you’re deciding how much people should get paid and making sure that gender isn’t a variable in the decision. When you’re supporting the women in your life to find their voice and make their own informed choices. When you are examining your privilege and learning.

More than once we’ve heard men who long to be allies complain about what a minefield mormon feminism is. Part of me sympathizes. Growth is rarely pretty, and women learning to use their voices and set boundaries and express anger can often be…ungraceful about it. But often that minefield feeling of always being wrong is not our fault. It’s the fault of your privilege. It’s the fact that you were trained in a secular society that is incredibly hostile to women, and a religious society that teaches you that your ordination over women is your divine right. It takes diligence and humility to make it through the minefield, but that minefield isn’t Mormon feminism. It’s patriarchy.