And it’s great.

My partner Derek and I have a very supportive, strong relationship in many ways, but we had a problem. Derek would jokingly say mean things to me until it got me really down. It wasn’t on purpose, really—he grew up in a family that expressed affection by teasing, so it was a deeply engrained habit. But for me, it was a very real problem. It was out of hand, and it was really hurting me. It got to the point that friends and family were getting worried about how often he was putting me down.

So about a month ago, we made a rule: we don’t say mean things to each other, even jokingly. And it’s going *so well*. It might sound extreme: surely, teasing can be ok in moderation, right? But it’s a lot harder to say “We can say mean things jokingly, but only sometimes” and understand what on Earth “sometimes” is supposed to mean than it is to say “This is the rule: we aren’t mean to each other ever.”

When I came up with the rule, I had some concerns. Would it take the playfulness out of our interactions? Would we still be able to have fun banter? Would we be able to enforce the boundary we set? Is cutting out playful teasing even healthy? But to my relief, our relationship is better than ever. We still laugh and joke. We still poke fun at ourselves, just not each other. Sure, we’ve both slipped up, but when one of us does, the other just says “Hey, you’re not supposed to say mean things to me”, and the first person apologises. That’s the end of it.

Derek has even expressed relief at the new rule, which he agreed to immediately when I suggested it. It’s a good, clear boundary that’s solved what we both knew was a problem. He doesn’t want to hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him either.

The change in our relationship has been overwhelmingly positive. With a clear boundary in place, we talk more freely, not less. We spend more time talking to each other and more time really listening. We’re bonding more and having more fun together. And crucially, we’re not hurting each other out of force of habit.

So if you’re in a relationship where teasing is a problem, I highly recommend trying this out. You might find yourself and your partner or partners in a much healthier place.