We already know (from previous painful experience) that there is no sex in a 1313 movie.

But today we learn something new: there are very few bees in a 1313 movie. There are a few seconds here and there (literally about one minute tops if you add all the scenes together) of bad CGI, but that’s it. On a happier note, there are zombies for some reason.

I know, I know. Just…stay tuned.

Script Quality: There are at least two or three funny lines in this.

There are at least two or three funny lines in this. Acting Quality: There weren’t enough actors available, but a random group of underwear models stepped up. Bless their hearts. (Honestly, Charlie and Redwood and Lewis aren’t bad at all.)

There weren’t enough actors available, but a random group of underwear models stepped up. Bless their hearts. (Honestly, Charlie and Redwood and Lewis aren’t bad at all.) Overall feeling afterwards: Viewer Beware! You’re in for Excruciating Boredom.

The movie opens with a “professor of apiology” speaking directly to the camera. This is a GOOD OPENING, you guys. By 1313 standards it’s a great opening. It’s interesting. He’s speaking clearly enough that you can pick out what he’s saying. There’s a buzzing noise which is relevant to the plot the title. He’s admitting to having caused the world’s worst biological disaster.

I am seriously amazed.

Also, he has facial hair. This is so disconcerting. No one in the 1313 movies I’ve watched has had facial hair. Well, I don’t know, maybe some of the women. But none of the Nameless Twinks.

Right after he says that it all started when he sent his research assistant to a private facility in the Caribbean a few weeks ago, we cut to the opening credits. OH MY GOD. I have not even had time to nap yet. The pacing is INCREDIBLE.

Beach shots. Plane-landing shots. Exciting music. This is almost like, dare I say it, a movie.

A grad-student twink (named Redwood? Am I hearing that right??) arrives somewhere or other and gets in a car. So far, so good. (Those of you wondering why I am heaping praise on BASICALLY NOTHING need to go read the earlier 1313 reviews.)

Lots of random exterior shots of beaches, Caribbean (I guess) streets, and Redwood sitting in the car, and then he walks down a road through some vaguely-government style concrete buildings and arrrives at…the 1313 house. I’m dying here. Five minutes of exterior shots of universities and wire fencing and possibly a prison, but the second he steps through the sliding glass door, he’s back in the house. The same two chairs framing the same chessboard as last time.

I am experiencing Houstalgia right now. It’s been too long, house. I’ve missed you.

A long-haired Twink whose name I don’t catch (because he mumbles) greets him.

You know how when you’re learning to write, you learn to leave out all the “How was your trip? Fine, thank you, and how are you today?” conversations that don’t advance the plot? In 1313 movies, those are loving filmed and sometimes included more than once in case you missed it the first time.

They have a week to show some progress on their honeybee project.

Redwood meets Randy and Steve, who are outside kicking a soccer ball back and forth, having just come off a fourteen hour shift in the lab. There’s no net or anything, but we’re told by MumbleTwink that they’re obsessed with soccer. Redwood is bitchy to see anything recreational happening when they’re under so much pressure to produce results.

Someone in a white protective suit is handling bee boxes (or possibly cardboard bankers boxes, since we’re not close enough to see). NO BEES APPEAR but a buzzing noise has been thoughtfully added to this scene.

Once he takes the hood off, this guy is blond and blue-eyed and possibly named Paul. MumbleTwink is the worst choice to be making introductions here.

A voiceover informs us that “this all began because of the bees” and explains a bit about honeybees dying off. The Science!Twinks are working on a formula to augment the bees’ genetic material so they can survive. There are peaceful nature shots and a few more Caribbean building exteriors so we don’t forget where we’re supposed to be.

Meanwhile, we’re back inside the house, where we meet Charlie the Maintenance Man, who is also, naturally, shirtless and well built. “Well if you’re such geniuses, how come I’m the only guy around here who can empty a garbage can?” he asks. WITTY BANTER. Sort of. (Only the answer is obviously, “Because that’s what maintenance men are for.” The Science!Twinks are too kind to point that out, though.)

“My name’s..” “Unimportant to me. I’m the janitor.”

Okay, that was actually funny, and Redwood (if that’s even his name) does a good job of looking pissed off.

A woman appears. This is a 1313 movie, so I’m going to assume she’s evil until proven otherwise. Ah, I see it’s Redwood who’s playing the part of the token Straight Male Stud in this one.

In the lab, Redwood meets Lewis. Lewis is the…chief bio-engineer? maybe? I kind of lost track for a second there.

Two bad CGI insects appear. Lewis says they’re bees, but I’m having a hard time believing him.

Redwood claims he needs to use the phone to call his mom. Instead he calls some guy who tells him to go with “plan b” and inject the additive into the bees’ food supply. Redwood’s efforts to conduct this conversation in code (Hi, mom. I never go anywhere without my insulin kit! You don’t want me to share the cookies you made with the group?) are hilariously unconvincing. I’m choosing to believe that’s intentional.

“Oh, you’re a diabetic?” asks Lewis when Redwood produces a syringe. Redwood bafflingly responds, “Yeah. My mom was insisting I take my insulin.” Redwood, you Science Guy, that’s not how that works. You don’t take insulin just any old time because your mom says so.

The CGI bees drop dead from the altered food. Lewis is bright enough to blame Redwood. They argue outside, while back in the lab, a giant unconvincing CGI bee emerges from behind the lab bench.

One of the soccer twinks goes to shower. The other one doesn’t get attacked by a bee! We don’t get to see the bee, but we see the soccer guy in yellow, blurry BEE VISION. This is all pointless, though, because he makes it safely inside the house. He walks slowly up the achingly familiar stairs while dramatic music tries to convince us something is happening.

Up in his room, he goes out on the balcony where he doesn’t get attacked by a bee!

Back in his room, he gets attacked by a sudden urge to take off everything except his tighty-whities and un-erotically caress himself for ten minutes straight. I have never seen anyone less interested in their own nipples. It goes on for a long time. Hilariously, the bee is also watching this, because several times we see a few seconds of yellow BEE VISION.

Well, now the pacing has gone to hell. Familiar, 1313-style hell.

He hears the buzzing and finally stops touching himself. Then this happens:

I laughed so hard that now MY abs are ripped. I should go non-erotically touch myself above the waist for an hour.

Lewis goes back into the lab and notices the dead bees are gone.

The other soccer guy (not the bee one, the one who said he’d take a shower) takes his shower. He takes it for a long, long time. Meanwhile the guy who got bee’d is now a zombie, and is walking slowwwwwly down the hall in his white underwear. This should have been called 1313: Fruit of the Looming Dead.

The zombie guy shows up behind the showering guy, who asks him to scrub his back. That’s what you do when a fellow scientist shows up in the shower, I guess? He does, but in a limp cold-handed zombie way. When the showering guy turns around, zombie guy suddenly LUNGES at his neck like a vampire. I’d been lulled half asleep by the lengthy shower scene, and I jumped. First time anything in a 1313 film has ever done THAT.

Redwood calls the guy again, and I just now realized: it’s the scientist from the opening scene! He’s beardless because civilization hasn’t collapsed yet! He wants all the data on the dead bees, and also tells Redwood to do “whatever you have to do to keep them happy and working until I say otherwise.” That sounds like the set-up for something erotic, but as we all know, there is no sex in a 1313 movie.

Charlie finds a GIANT DEAD CGI BEE in a bed. It’s under the covers for some reason.

BEE VISION again, this time approaching the beekeeper. It chases him up to the pool area, where there are two bee-zombies, now both in white underwear. So the second victim got out of the shower and got his underwear on after he was bitten? Okay then. The bee gets him while he’s backing away slowly from the zombies, but we don’t SEE the bee.

“Four dead honeybees couldn’t possibly have opened this glass canister by themselves,” Lewis tells Redwood. Good point, Lewis, although there were only two dead bees in the scene with the dead bees.

Oh no. Someone’s showering again. I think it’s Redwood. He touches the expanse of skin below his nipples but above his pubes (assuming he has pubes; the camera never goes low enough to be sure) for a long, long, long time. I have had medical exams that were less thorough.

When he finally emerges from the shower, the girl from earlier shows up with plastic cups and a bottle of wine, even though she’s supposedly Lewis’ girlfriend. She complains about Lewis living in the lab and being obsessed with his work, and strolls on in even though Redwood is wearing nothing but his white underwear. “I feel like you’d be an extremely nice change of pace,” she tells Redwood.

They kiss unconvincingly until Lewis shows up in HIS white underwear, and he’s a zombie now. “You guys got room for one more?” he asks, and just then Redwood bolts upright in bed. IT WAS ALL A DREAM, which would explain the kissing and heterosexuality. I knew neither of those things belonged in this movie.

But when he lies back down the blonde girl is there! Fast asleep right next to him, though also apparently fully clothed.

MumbleTwink comes downstairs looking for someone. A zombie zips over speedy-quick and bites his neck.

The blonde wakes up and gets out of Redwood’s bed, and she really is fully dressed. There’s a weird screamy sound effect as she leaves the room. I’m not sure what, if anything, that means.

Charlie the Janitor tells Redwood he heard Steve screaming in his room. When he went to check on him, Steve was gone, but “I found this instead,” he says, and hands Redwood a big plastic container with the GIANT BEE inside. We get to see it for about two seconds.

Redwood brings it to Lewis. They notice the stinger is gone, and Redwood suggests they should round up the other scientists and go looking for Steve. But instead they stand around and talk about bees for a while.

Redwood calls up the scientist and yells at him for a while. The scientist reveals that the additive was “a substance recovered from a meteorite” that he thought would be a “shortcut” to saving the bees. Science!

Redwood tells Lewis they need to round up the others and leave the compound. Lewis leaves and Redwood looks up and there’s A GIANT CGI BEE on the ceiling that I guess they just never noticed until now. It attacks, but he stabs it with a tiny dissecting scalpel and then steps on it. Yuck.

“Stupid college students. Giant bees,” Charlie is muttering as he goes outside. You said it, Charlie. He sees two of the zombies and says “Looks like the bees got you!” just before they attack him. Charlie is hands-down the smartest character in this.

Redwood is walking down a road past the concrete buildings that we’re meant to believe are the outside of the house. Really exciting music is playing, and he’s just strolling along. Another reviewer says this scene lasts ten minutes, and I’m inclined to believe him.You could literally leave the room and make a sandwich at this point without missing a thing.

Nature shots. Scenic views. A sea wall. Redwood, walking. Redwood climbing stairs. It’s ENDLESS. He also goes through the same tunnel and across the same scenic-viewing-area more than once.

He finds the blonde girl and touches her on the shoulder, but she’s a bee zombie now! Still fully dressed though.

A male bee zombie comes out in his white underwear. It must be so exciting the first day on the set of one of these, when wardrobe come out and distribute the white cotton underwear. Redwood runs past him and escapes.

Inside the house, Lewis finds Charlie, who bites him on the hand. Redwood shows up and tells him they’ll have to stay inside, which makes no sense, since a) Charlie is inside and b) presumably Lewis will be a zombie soon.

Lewis tells Redwood that the mutated bees are carrying eggs. Then he dies or passes out. Redwood turns BACK ON to him to make a phone call, and half a second later Lewis pops up behind him and bites him.

A bunch of exterior shots, and then we’re back to the opening scene. The scientist tells us that was the last he ever heard from Redwood, and over series of COMPLETELY BEE-FREE nature scenes we’re told that “the monster swarm” has taken over the world. There’s a buzzing noise and he screams. THE END.