Here is an example of a classic romance scam. The initial spam email starts off as a ridiculous scam letter saying that I was found on Facebook (There is no Guelord Krapper on any social media site. As far as I know, a toilet salesman named Guelord only lives in my head)

As turns out this person is not only trying to find love but claims to be a poor orphan hoping to escape her fate by sharing a fortune. I thought that the toilet salesman named Guelord (Thomas Krapper’s son) would like to meet a nice African girl. Maybe he can find love and happiness while selling her a toilet or two. Do I hear wedding bells?

Please note: The typos in “blessing’s” emails are real. I deleted a lot of the typical nonsense for readability when the scam email was just too rambling. Guelord’s typos are contrived by me to add charm.

From: Blessings , To Guelord Krapper

Hello My Dearest,

My name is Miss Blessing, I came across your profile on facebook as i was searching for good friend, A friend who truly understand his or her friend and share their feelings together. please kindly accept my request, I believe that distance can never be a barrier but let?love connect us because love is a bridge that connected far distance to be close to each other. I will send my pictures to you immediately i receive your reply.(blessingbabygirl@ hotmail.com )

Yours, Miss.Blessing

From: Guelord Crapper, To Blessings

Hi ,

I am so happy that you wrote me. I am a very handsome man, as you can see from my picture. Where are you from? Can I have a picture of you? Also, so I know that this is not a trick, can you hold up a sign with my name?

Thank you,

Guelord Krapper from Krapper’s Crappers inc.

From: Blessings , To Guelord Krapper

Hello My Dearest One

Good Day Once Again! How are you today? I hope that you are fine and also in… Blah blah blah….

Usually Romance scammers choose a very beautiful women in a bikini. I don’t know what to say about this one. Anyway, to each his own

Blessings somehow discovers that her new boyfriend is a bit of a psycho. I don’t think she’ll care. True love means so much more then that..

Guelord, To: Blessings

That is really good to know that you are having trouble. If you get killed I may feel bad for a couple of seconds. Anyway, I miss you very much. I spend the nights dreaming of you and can’t wait to see you so I can have sex with your dead body. I know you need help and I would love to give it to you. Please let me know anything you need.Did you have a chance to think about my crappers? They are very good and I will give you, my friend, a special discount.

I love you,

Capt. Guelord Krapper of Krapper’s Crappers PhD

That reply of mine actually got an answer?

From: Blessings , To Guelord Krapper

My Dearest One,

Thank you for your concerns and Kindness towards this my empty life and please i will like you to understands more that,my life over here in Senegal is…

She is an orphan who has a lot of money so she needs my money so I can get her out so she can give me money. Wow, and I didn’t believe in “her”

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

My sweetheart,

I long for the day that I lay next to your cold dead body. Picturing you lifeless next to me really turns me on. I miss you and the only thing I am missing in life is your sexy corpse.

I love you

Wow, after that last email, I am still her dear. Isn’t love grand? Too bad it’s another god damned cut and paste email.

From: Blessings , To Guelord Krapper

My Dear.

It’s my pleasure to write you this mail thank you once more for your love and concern towards an orphan like me i so much appreciate your feelings towards….

I think she wanted me to send money to the bank or something. Yes, you are not the only person that doesn’t really read spam/ romance scam mail. Time to try to sell her some toilets

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

Yes tootsie,

I sent it to the bank. Now, I have to ask, when is the last time you had a good crap? In the orphanage do they have good bathrooms and faculties? I sell a whole line of crappers for any ass and budget. This week we have on special the Super Pooper. It is sure to please those with a really large butt and it is a hot seller for couples that want to share the most intimate of intimate of moments. Get close to your loved one while cleaning out your bowels.

Ftr. Gulord Krapper of Krapper’s Crappers, UFO.

Ah, finally she starts to ask about my toilets. She is my kind of girl. Remember. A romance scam perpetrator has feelings too

From: Blessings , To Guelord Krapper

My Dear,

Good afternoon,How are you over there hope you are fine?My Dear thanks for your mail and please i don’t understand what you mean by i should tell you “least time i have a good crap here in orphanage”please i want to know tell me what you mean bye this waiting for your urgent reply Bye and take care.

From Blessing.

At least she read my previous email. She was happy that I was concerned about her regularity. I think Guelord has met his soulmate. Let’s see if we can sell her a toilet

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

I am glad to hear that you want to know about our crappers. Having a good toilet is very important to our hygiene. Also, comfort is very important as well. At Krapper’s Crappers we keep both in mind at a price you can afford. Don’t take a crap the old fashion way. Get yourself a Krapper’s Crapper. Your Mummy will be happy crappy!

Rev. Guelord Krapper of Krapper’s Crappers, SSI.

Guelord’s father Thomas writes to intervene and really pour on the sales pitch and marry off his son married one and for all

From: Thomas Krapper, To Blessings

Dear Miss Blessing,

My son told me that he was seeing you and sent me your pictures. You are very pretty for a Fat African orphan woman, if I may say so. He also told me that you are interested in buying toilet supplies for the orphanage where you work. I can help you there. Krapper’s Crappers come with a full guarantee and you will be in love from the first flush.

Congratulations on the new relationship with my son and I hope you will sit on the throne with him soon

Dr. Thomas Krapper of Krapper’s Crappers Inn.

After a powerful email from his father, Guelord decides to really get serious and sends Blessing a letter along with a picture

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

Hello my dear blessing. I wanted to send you a new picture of me so you can hold it next to your heart; especially, when on the crapper (only if it is a Krapper, of course)

Please send me some more pictures of you.

Handsome Guelord Krapper

P.S. My father said he will write you about the crappers you want to order for the orphanage

Blessing didn’t write back. She must be cheating with a plumbing supply salesman. Well, perhaps Guelord can still win her over. Maybe some flattering complements about her looks may work. Otherwise, I will have to find another romance scamer

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

Dear Blessing,

I finally got a good look at your pictures and I noticed that you have a really big ass. I love it. We also have some very large crappers that will fit your ass and your budget. Why not order today?

I love you,

Guelord

Still no reply. Guelord resorts to poetry to try to win over the woman of his romance scam dreams.

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

to Blessing

Remember: Sinks stink, Showers scour butt what think is that toilets empower!!!!

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

Why don’t you get out of that clown suit and off of that big ass and write something to me?

Blessing writes back. Is this a complement in Africa or kudos for a well played counter to a romance scam?

From: Blessings , To Guelord Krapper

YOU ARE A BIG FOOL

From: Guelord Krapper, To Blessings

Does this mean that you are breaking up with me? Does this mean that you won’t buy any of my crappers? And, most importantly, does this mean that I wasted your precious time? I certainly hope so.

Nevertheless, please accept this gift. It is what you would call the “big fool award” Or is it Mugu in your language? Anyway, display it proudly. I suggest tattooing it on your mother’s ass so everyone in the village will be able to see it.

Always remember, that you have been crapped on by a Krapper!

BTW, Don’t be surprised if you get many more of these awards in the future. You will never know it’s me until it’s too late 😉

Further reading: This was the first time I played with this person. Soon after this I attacked again under another personality of mine – Rabbi Ham Burger. I try to convert Blessing to Judaism

More by Thomas Duda:

Mother’s toxic vagina

Giving a Nigerian 419 scammer shit (with an option to flush)

House rental? My ass

Fat aunt Marta vs. Indian SEO spammer

Trolling a scammer from Burkina Faso

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