Okay so I’m pretty sure social media is like, the most important thing in the world. Make. Or. Break. If you’re a creep on Facebook, you can pretty much just invite your cousin to prom and get it over with.

My social media is hella on point. I spend at least three hours a day going over my posts, and I even delete those embarrassing middle-school dance photos cuz it’s like, we’re in high school now. No one wears wind pants in public anymore.

I’m super honest about everything I post, too, and I think that’s why I get so many likes and retweets. I always just say whatever comes to mind. Like this one time, Stephanie Hadley was wearing a skirt and sharted in the girl’s room before she could make it to the stall, and I managed to get it on Vine, and it got, like, national attention.

Now I’ve got a zillion followers on Twitter, and like, five thousand friends on Facebook, which is apparently the max. When my birthday came around, so many people posted on my wall that it crashed the server. Then Derek Peters and I finally decided to become an official couple, and get this, it started trending!

Some people aren’t as socially in-tune as me, and it’s really painful to watch. Like, Nick Levine, this Mormon transfer from Utah, keeps putting gym selfies with creepy winky faces all over his Snapchat story. And he’s not even that ripped. Then last week I accidentally screenshotted one of his ab pics, and now he won’t stop touching the small of my back.

Pictures are really important, too. Most of my pictures are private cuz if I make them public the notifications get super annoying. Nine thousand likes on Instagram is cool the first time, but after a while I just get sick of checking. It’s always, “omg that clowd looks cray!” And it’s true, it does look cray, but I like, already knew that.

So always make your pictures private. Really, it just saves a lot of hassle. One time I posted a picture of me and my biff at this all-you-can-drink mani/pedi place. Most of the comments were all like, “<333” and “#Jelly,” but then this slut named Jenny Powell goes, “Aren’t you underage?” and I had to take the picture down. Seriously, fuck her.

Now I just make everything private and I never have to worry about it.

Another thing that people do all the time is post fifty paragraphs about their personal problems. Like, no one wants to read about your breakup with what’s-his-name, or your weird daddy issues, or your struggle with ovarian cancer. That shit’s depressing. Plus, we can’t like your status cuz then we look like a bitch for upvoting your mid-life crisis.

Also, make sure you have a really hot prof pic. Your hair has to look really sexy and you need to be in the middle of all your hottest friends, as long as none of them are hotter than you. And there has to be at least one boy in a v-neck. If you can manage to get to a rooftop, it’s like, some college-level shit.

Which reminds me: Stop making your caption “what a beautiful day!” when it’s a selfie of you in the bathroom. That doesn’t even make sense. How the fuck would you know what the weather is like? All you’re doing is letting everyone know you use Proactiv+.

If you really want to be popular, you absolutely must have a twitter. If you don’t have a twitter, you might as well be churning butter with those culty people who don’t use electricity.

Here’s how you twitter: Get a super cute handle – something with your name in it. But not your entire name, just the first three letters. If your name is Brittney, try BriBri with your birthday at the end. If it’s Cortney, CorCor. If it’s something weird like Nightshade, or you were born on June 9th, it’s probably best to get creative. No one is going to retweet NigNig69.

Getting retweeted is important because that’s how you get more followers. You also get your face on someone else’s page, which is why you need a hot prof pic first. But never ask someone to retweet something, because that’s just desperate. Like, this kid I work with named Aaron Schwartz is always asking me to retweet his band’s music. Their name is Grundlesniff and they do Metallica covers, which is like, weird by itself, but they’re also not very good. Whenever I come into work Aaron goes, “hey, I noticed you didn’t retweet our events page,” and I have to keep lying and saying I’m out of data.

Having unlimited data is also super important. Once you start to get popular, everyone is going to want to know exactly what you’re doing at all times. Last month I used up four gigs on brunch pics.

Before I had unlimited data, my dad used to complain that the phone bill was higher than the mortgage payments. He’s always such a drama queen. I’m like, if you don’t want me to get overage charges, just switch to unlimited data, duh.

Unlimited data allows you to get into the more sophisticated shit, like nudies. But once you get to that level, you need to make sure you know what you’re doing.

As a rule of thumb, never post nudies anywhere unless you’re in wicked good shape and you can make it look like an accident. You don’t want to be the flabby skank that snapchats tit pics to every guy in school.

But at the same time, tits start to get saggy real fast, so make sure you take some good pics before you turn eighteen.

The best time to take a nudie is right before Halloween. You should basically be starving yourself anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone?

The worst time to take a nudie is right after Christmas. This girl Becca Karst used to be super popular until she leaked a post-Christmas nudie on MySpace. She wore a big red bow and had a piece of mistletoe over her crotch. It was a cute idea, but she looked pale and bloated, and now she hangs out with the goths.

Properly leaking a nudie requires strategy, too. You can’t just throw your tits on Facebook and say oops. It’s desperate, and if you don’t take it down right away people will know you’re full of shit. And if you do take it down, it like, defeats the purpose.

The best method is the “omg wrong person!” approach. If you don’t have a boyfriend, this strategy won’t work for you, and you probably shouldn’t be trying to leak nudies in the first place. If you do have a boyfriend, try this: send the picture to a guy with a really similar name. Like, when I did it, I sent it to Derek Petrus, and was like, “omg omg omg I totally meant to send that to my boyfriend. Please don’t share this with anyone okay?” Petrus did the rest of the work for me, and as a bonus, I got to watch my boyfriend kick the shit out of some random guy, which was hot.

Once you’ve got unlimited data, a hot prof pic, a cute twitter handle, and your tits are all over school, you pretty much become the most popular person ever. You’ll get lots of random texts from different boys, and maybe even a few dick pics, which is cool if you delete them before your boyfriend sees. Just make sure your boyfriend never sees the dick pics. Because if he does, he’ll change his status to “slut” and end your relationship on Facebook. And that’s like, #SocialSuicide.