TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating possible habitats for Adam and Eve. This is bound to shed a lot of light on humanity’s earliest living ancestors,” said lead geologist Dr. Sara Abed, explaining that the couple had evidently been somehow lured to a large tree of the genus Hymenaea, where they became trapped in a pool of its resin sometime in the early Cretaceous period; this resin later hardened and perfectly preserved the specimen until its discovery roughly 100 million years later. “The couple is a bland-looking pair of adult Caucasians with unusually mundane hairstyles, and the female is still holding what appears to be a botanical precursor to an apple, which has had a bite taken out of it. In addition, the large fig leaves they are wearing are still fully intact. With clues such as these, we can more effectively study their eating and reproductive habits. The amount of information contained in this amber slab is simply incredible.” After several rounds of tests, Dr. Abed later found no indication that the creatures actually bore any traces of human DNA.

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