If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I love DevOps and that I’m perhaps the most perfect and important thought leader on the subject. It is a heavy crown to wear sometimes, but I do it gladly. I am almost solely responsible for discovering a number of computing concepts, which is what makes me so good at DevOps. When people ask for my business card I simply write “DevOps” on something and give it to them.

Rather than constantly answer a barrage of questions about my qualifications, I have decided to enumerate them here.

Data and “Data Beans”

My first foray into thought leadership came about when I began discovering different types of natural data. In fact, data is one of the four pillars that allows computers to operate. The other three pillars are: Metal, Electricity, and Wires.

Different types of data I have discovered and catalogued: Letters, Numbers, Boolean (True/False), Image/Photo, Code, Red Data, Dark Data (more on that in a moment), Animal, Photo of Wife, Color, Email, and Trivia.

This data is encapsulated in what are called “Data Beans” which are stored on the hard drive as zeroes (Optimal bean or “prime bean”) and ones (Flatbean or “bad bean”). These Data Beans are stored magnetically and retrieved as necessary. If a user requests too much data at one time they can suffer from data poisoning.

The computer’s RAM also stores Data Beans in the cloud. No one knows how this is done or why.

Data Kissing

In order to properly implement DevOps in your shop, your data must be validated and monitored. This is known as “Data Kissing” and I have loved doing it ever since I invented it. You must kiss all of your data whether it is stored locally on a server, a desktop, laptop, or phone. Begin kissing your data immediately.

Dark Data

In the enterprise, “dark data” is only discussed behind closed doors. It is technology’s best kept secret, and for good reason. In the wrong hands, dark data could be used for hacking, terror, or cyber crime. Types of dark data I have discovered: Mummy/Mummified Data, Viruses, Masks, Ghost Data, Hell Code, Cyber Magick, Goblin Data, Cyber Hell.

Do not ask me any questions about dark data! I will not answer them!

I look forward to many more decades of DevOps thought leadership. If you wish to ask me DevOps questions you may do so on Twitter, or Email (important data type!), or in real life. Thank you.