2019/10/09 – Following the tragic shooting of 4 individuals, resulting in two deaths, in the eastern German town of Halle on Wednesday Angela Merkel revealed her brave and common sense solution to solving this problem.

“For a very long time Germany has taken the common sense of approach of disarming its own citizens for their own protection. This has been remarkably successful in shifting the violence to much safer knife and truck attacks which has allowed us to completely ignore the problem. The lack of defensive options has also made it easier to apprehend perpetrators as they always get away safe with no risk of retaliation.” she echoed Wednesday speaking to a crowd of supporters.

But now her Government faces a problem as the most recent attacker used a homemade gun, raising questions on how they’ll find a way to continue limiting citizens indepdence.

“This is a massive problem, obviously the common sense solution of only allowing illegal methods for criminals to gain ‘assault murder machines’ didn’t go far enough. So we’ve decided the right course of action was to just ban the right of citizens to make their own shit.” she stated to a thunderous, totally organic, applause. “By not allowing citizens to make anything themselves we can more easily track what they’re up too and it’ll boost the economy as people will rely on a couple corporations for literally everything.”

Though this newspaper is very supportive of such a brave liberating idea some “gun and self defense advocates”(Check out our special on Nazi dog whistles next week) have raised concerns that this might limit the freedom of German citizens. Merkel properly responded just moments ago,

“The idea that disallowing citizens to make their own shit would somehow limit their freedom is absurd. Freedom is ensured and protected by the State so obviously more oversight will only allow us to protect your rights further. The idea that the German state might ever overreach into citizens lives limiting their freedom is pure fantasy that has never happened. These are simply talking points of right wing reactionaries.”