NEW YORK—Expressing remorse for their weakness and total lack of self-control, Americans across the country were ashamed to admit Friday that they would probably look up John Goodman’s nudes if they leaked. “Look, I’m not proud of it, but if I found out John Goodman’s iCloud got hacked and a bunch of his naked photos made their way online, I would be powerless to stop myself from searching for them,” said Rob Medlock of Columbus, OH, echoing the sentiments of 329 million embarrassed Americans who conceded that no matter how much they tried to resist tracking down cell phone pictures of John Goodman’s naked body splayed out on a bed, their morbid curiosity would eventually take over. “I’m definitely not asking for it to happen, that’s for sure, but if I knew there were some pictures of John Goodman taking a scandalous changing room selfie or posing dick-out in a hotel bathroom, I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I’d probably even go through several different sites until I found one shady enough to actually link to them.” At press time, an intrigued U.S. populace was in the midst of conducting an image search for “King Ralph in nothing but a crown.”

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