Fifth in an ongoing series of dispatches from the pew (Week 1–Mormon Church, Week 2–Jehovah’s Witnesses, Week 3–Christian Science, Week 4–Seventh Day Adventist).

Part 1 is all of my live tweets from a Roman Catholic Easter service.

Part 2 gives my impressions of a brief conversation with the parish’s deacon about church finances and evidence for its claims.

Part 1

I had to park a quarter mile away because the lot was full. Standing room only… #pew pic.twitter.com/UXvbdb6Rer — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Early to church is not early enough if you want to sit on Easter Sunday. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

We who are about to die salute you. Live tweets from #pew of Roman Catholic church in 5 min. Full disclosure: I'm standing–no room to sit. — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Hymn 161 to get us going. Everybody around me is humming. They don't know it. Neither do I. Acoustic guitar! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

37 people baptized into the church last night. By people he probably means babies, right? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Do you reject Satan and his empty show? "Yes!" cries the congregation. Clapping to celebratory music now… Rocking choir! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Homeskillet in a long white robe just splashed me with what is presumably "holy water". It did not burn. What does this mean? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Father Anonymous has a straight up golden voice for radio. Paul Harvey-esque. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Readings now about Jesus. Gory references to him being hung on a tree for our sins. Reader doesn't care that children present. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Rockin' solo now. Congregation backing her up on chorus. Lots of energy. A reading now. No more energy 😦 #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

*bring fresh baked bread… Please forgive the typos–I’m tweeting hard and fast as things come at me:

Something about yeast and leavening and rising… Did not being fresh baked bread to punctuate his point. Shame on him. More music! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

More choir, fewer readings. Please! Music is great. Message is haphazard and lame. Congregation seems to agree with me. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

"We are Easter people and hallelujah is our song." If we aren't Easter people we are stuck on the cross. New mantra for this parish. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

He is going to give them another new mantra soon, too. He promised. I'm riveted. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

He's telling a story about a little girl telling her grandma, "Zip it, lock it, put it in your pocket." It's the fabulous new mantra! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

They're repeating it aloud. He thinks it is profound advice to "Easter people", who apparently eschew negativity and sarcasm. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

*Now… Damn the typos. Full speed ahead!

New the celibate bachelor Father Anonymous is giving marital advice. This is rich. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Silent prayer time. Bring back the music! #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Here we go. Four guitars, a trumpet, and rattles now on back up. They're turning it up and passing around wicker collection baskets. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

I saw some big bills in there (Benjamin, is that you?), several checks, and even a credit card (!?). #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Apparently "praise" is a euphemism for "donation". Nice. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Wow, despite the music this is really the most boring church meeting I've been to yet… Come on! It's Easter for Christ's sake. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Guess what… Still boring. I have faith it will prove worthwhile. Lady next to me tried to hold my hand during the prayer. I'm taken. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Those guys on the guitars don't mess around. Now they are carrying on in unison about how unworthy they are. Can't be healthy. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Music's getting dirgey. I don't remember giving my permission for the music to get dirgey. It's Easter for Christ's sake. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

I'm getting hungry and considering participating in communion if they do it… Do they do it on Easter Sunday? I guess I'll find out… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Anyone know the difference between Eucharist and communion? Music is back and celebratory again. As it should be. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Communion is happening. I'm doing it… #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Jesus is tasteless 😦 That was slightly awkward but interesting. Now the choir is really going and people are leaving. What? #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

They skipped the wine. It's over! That was so abrupt it caught me off guard. Now to talk to somebody… Update soon. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

It's over. I'm actually disappointed. I feel robbed. I did talk to the deacon afterwards. I'll post his answers to my questions later. #pew — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

The Exodus behind me as soon it was over. #pew pic.twitter.com/LPmjXp6aql — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

A final, friendly reminder to know, grow, and go (!?). Happy Easter, y'all. I'm going out into the sunshine 🙂 #pew pic.twitter.com/Tucck7udoA — Optimist Prime (@DIYThinking) April 20, 2014

Part 2

After the astonishingly brief service I moved quickly to catch a member of the clergy before they all split. I ran into The Deacon, B., on his way out the front door (he was the one that splashed me with holy water during the service).

B. was very friendly and happy enough to answer my questions. After some small talk I asked him, “So why are you Catholic and not Methodist or even Muslim?”

“That’s a difficult question that deserves a better answer than I can give you in a few minutes,” he answered. “But in short it’s because Catholicism seems to tie up all the loose ends of life better than anything else.” He went on to describe how Catholicism alone requires the believer to extend the meaning of his faith into the lives of others (I’m not sure that this is true, but I didn’t bother to challenge him on it).

“You mean by serving them?” I asked.

“Sure, yes—service,” he replied. Nothing B. cited as a reason for the specificity and strength of his convictions approached even a mediocre standard of evidence. So it goes.

“Will you tell me about finances? What does it cost to be a member of your parish?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Sure—it doesn’t cost a thing. You aren’t obligated to pay any money, that is. But we accept donations. Some people even tithe themselves as a matter of principle,” he explained.

I went on, “What if I want to know about how the money is used? Is there some way to find out?”

“Our parish publishes basic financial details regularly and if you really wanted to you could look at a more detailed report, I think,” B. replied.

“Is this true for the whole Catholic church or just your parish?” I asked.

“The whole Catholic church, more or less,” B. answered.

B. didn’t go on to explain how the money is actually used and I didn’t care to press him. It troubles me that this information isn’t volunteered as a matter of course (“We proudly donate 2/3 of the money to third-party charities more capable of direct humanitarian aid than ourselves and retain a small portion of our income for parish expenses,” for example).

I followed up with one more question, “Those 37 baptisms the other day–were they all babies or were there some adults, too?”

B. answered that there were some adults, too. This is sad but unsurprising. When our cultural standard for truth is a delusion that what we want to be true really is true (faith) meets the kind of indoctrination practiced by religious institutions such as the Roman Catholic church even otherwise intelligent adults make such errors. Faith is a vice, not a virtue.

To be perfectly frank Roman Catholicism is remarkably uninspiring–this is in comparison to the bizarre cults which I visited previously. I’m not sure if this says more about Roman Catholicism or me…

Until next time, dear reader. Stay rational!