NOT LONG AGO, I answering a reader’s email about “how to defeat neediness” when I found something strange tucked into the side of my mattress. Pulling it loose, I found in my hand a small, broken paper hexagon and on it were written the words ‘Beware the Lonely Loser.’

Confused, I unfolded the paper shape to reveal a large tapestry of words and bizarre, monstrous images. I had no recollection of writing it, and it certainly wasn’t my handwriting. Truth be told, I can’t make much sense of it at all.

Only… Something about it seems so familiar.

Maybe you can make something of it. I’ve transcribed it here for your benefit.

———

“I don’t believe in the supernatural. But in this instance, I have to make an exception. The evidence is far too compelling. Far too chilling. And frankly, I think we’re in the middle of an epidemic.

Let me explain…

There’s this guy. I don’t know if he’s real, imaginary, or a supernatural entity. But he exists. I’m sure of that much. I’ve seen him in myself, and in hundreds of other people. Men, women, old, young, black, white. I’ve seen him in all of them.

He is responsible for all the shitty relationships and the gross, desperate behavior that sends them to the grave. He’s the reason for the overwhelming lack of emotional control that people experience when they feel down. And he’s probably the reason you clicked on this article.

He’s the guy who shows up out of nowhere to turn someone who’s sane, confident, and rational into a pathetic mess.

I call him The Lonely Loser™.

And he exists inside of all of us.

An artists rendition of The Lonely Loser. See him here as one of the three heads of Baal. He’s the sad looking fucker in the middle.

WHO IS THE LONELY LOSER

You’ve met The Lonely Loser before. You’ve also introduced him to others.

Neediness, desperation, emotional dependence – he has lots of names. But no matter who he’s currently inhabiting his traits are always identical. So you might think you’re speaking to your friend, brother, sister or cat – but you’re actually speaking to The Lonely Loser.

So who is he?

The Lonely Loser is an ancient demon. A collection of traits that emerge within people and turn them completely bat-shit, 4 am phone call insane when it comes to problems of the heart.

The Lonely Loser is what sends you chasing guys or girls with red flags you’d normally see a mile away. The Lonely Loser is what has your heart desperately reaching at anything, anyone who will make it feel loved, regardless of how bad an idea it might be. The Lonely Loser is when you feel so low and pathetic you just want anyone who’ll make you feel like you’re not.

The Lonely Loser is that universal presence within all of us that’s Lonely…

And a Loser.

And his only goal seems to be to fuck our lives up, make us even more miserable, and morph us into him permanently.

WHY HE COMES ABOUT

The Lonely Loser is summoned by a feeling of weakness within us. A more profound sense of loneliness than we’re used to. A feeling that our needs for emotional support, love, affection, and adoration are not met and will never be met. This weakness and hopelessness summons him. Because that’s what he feeds on.

And once he’s got us, that’s just the first of our troubles.

The Lonely Loser is cunning. 10,000-years-old-ancient-Babylonian-death-cult cunning. In that, I mean that he’s an expert at masking what he actually is.

Evil? No, he seems like he’s harmless and on your side. He seems like he has your best interests at hand. What could possibly go wrong?

He does this in two ways. First, he makes you feel that what he wants you to do is in your best interests. Then, when your conscience pipes up and says ‘Well just hang on a minute!’ He supplies you with all manner of seemingly rational and clever responses that you not only use against your own conscience but on everyone else.

Text your Ex? Sure. Date the serial cheater? Why not. Try it on with your drunk colleague? What could go wrong.

He’ll have you feel that it’s in your best interests to take actions that’ll keep you lonely and desperate and keep him alive and well within you.

Actually no. ‘It’s in your best interests’ really doesn’t cut it. I’ve really undercooked his work there. Let me do that again. Here’s how it actually is:

He has you feel there is no other option. So despite the arguments of your conscience and others – you quite readily and happily carry out his will. (But not without a black and private knowledge that what you’re doing is mistaken).

And then quite out of the blue, you’ll find yourself bringing up your ‘new found’ desires with your friend or family member and arguing passionately with them when they suggest it might not be a good idea.

Seeking them out was nothing more than your conscience’s last, desperate plea.

He puts us into conflict with ourselves and everyone else and has us make choices of the heart that only make us feel worse.

And so we suffer. And so he thrives. Until we feel so strongly alone, and so much like a loser, that we may as well be him. A complete metamorphosis.

So in short, he wants nothing less than your soul.

Just as Mammon enslaves people to greed. The Lonely Loser enslaves us to our need for love.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

If you’re possessed by the Lonely Loser then as with any demonic presence the only course is an exorcism. This is something to be undertaken with the utmost sincerity (the consequences are that grave!) but at the same time a sense of how simple the exorcism is.

Allow me to provide an ancient (but updated for modern practitioners) guide:

STEP ONE: Bring awareness to the Lonely Loser

The Lonely Loser thrives in his camouflaged state. As long as you aren’t aware of his presence he’ll operate freely – manipulating your feelings, decisions, and actions bringing about ruinous results.

But the second you bring awareness to his existence, the second you unmask him as the culprit, the harder it is for him to maintain his influence.

The article up until now outlines what you need to be aware of, but simple actions like meditation and long walks in nature will help.

STEP TWO: Undo the summoning

Everything about The Lonely Loser is an illusion brought on by his possession. All the thoughts, feelings, decisions, and actions – they aren’t really you. They’re him.

But you must understand, his possession was brought about by certain things that you did to yourself. Namely, you lived in a way that caused loneliness and a lack of options.

That last part is key. When we don’t have options, the summoning of the Lonely Loser is already well underway.

And once he’s got us, he’ll send us after people who could never have us in our prime.

It’s essential to understand this.

To defeat the Lonely Loser, to protect one’s life from his influence you have to pay attention to the kind of life that you’re building, and (this part is really important!) how you feel about that life.

It’s all well and good to have a life most people would want, but if you don’t feel great about it then you’re shit out of luck.

The looming specter of The Lonely Loser is on his way.

So practically – what does this mean?

You want to develop a life of social and sexual abundance. Which is easier said than done. But it’s so easily said I can tell you how to do it in one phrase: do new things and meet new people. You want to develop a life that emotionally supports you. If you want a life that emotionally supports you, this means being open and honest about your emotions with others. Don’t pretend your fine when you’re not. And don’t pretend you’re okay when your boundary is crossed. You want to develop a life that you actually feel great about. If you’re working a job you don’t like, or meeting people you don’t click with – CHANGE. Do something different. Listen to that voice in your head that’s telling you to go to Jamaica. Shake things up. If in doubt, talk to a therapist.

These will help you to undo the summoning. Remember, the longer you feel lonely and like a loser, the longer the Lonely Loser has you.

STEP THREE: Laugh at yourself

This may be the most important step of the bunch. Not only does the Lonely Loser hide by camouflage, but by the seriousness he inculcates in his victim.

Everything with them is serious! Their thoughts, decisions, actions – it’s all so serious! So life-or-death! Even when they’re trying to cure themselves.

But learning to laugh at your own unfortunate loserness is like a splash of holy water. It’s purifying.

Seriousness is what traps you where you are. Lighten up. Seriousness is what The Lonely Loser wants you to feel.

Yes, you’re needy and pathetic. Yes, you’ve become desperate and an embarrassment. Yes, you’ve made choices no self-respecting individual ever should.

But who hasn’t?

The Lonely Loser visits us all, after all. Who amongst us doesn’t get lonely and feel like a loser?

You’re just in a bad spell. Learn to make light of it. Laugh at your stupid thoughts and desires and laugh at yourself for being there. Laugh at how you chased after this person and that. How you debased yourself before your Ex and embarrassed your parents.

Laugh at it all.

Because it’s in laughing that you learn to pull yourself out and send the Lonely Loser straight back to Hell.”

———

So yeah, that’s it.

Like I said. Weird. In fact, I burned the paper.

A demon? As if that kind of childish, unscientific thing could be real. I wouldn’t give it any more thought at all…

Photo by chester wade on Unsplash

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