All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

Mugatu (Will Ferrell): "I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio. I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts. I even sent him some pet oxen. I mean, they love that crap in Malaysia. But he won't budge."

Mugatu: "But who? I mean, where in all of God's green goodness am I gonna find someone that beef-headed?!"

Matilda Jeffries (Christine Taylor): "So when did you know you wanted to be a model?"

Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller): "Hmm. I guess it would have to be the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal and I remember thinking, 'Wow, you're ridiculously good looking. Maybe you could do that for a career.'"

Matilda: "Do what?"

Derek: "Be professionally good looking."

Matilda: "Uh, Derek, I don't know if you're familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It's the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. I mean, what are your thoughts on that as someone who gets his picture taken for a living?"

Derek: "Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abo-digitals do you see modeling?"

Derek: "Hey, Paco!"







Steve Kmetko (Himself): "Oh! You hate to see something like that at an event like this. Ugly protesters bothering beautiful people."

Maury Ballstein (Jerry Stiller): "Let me tell you something. Nobody can touch Derek. Nobody!"

Maury Ballstein: "I gotta get inside. I'm schvitzing like a shmendrek with all these lights and mishigas."

Hansel (Owen Wilson): "I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree."

Hansel: "Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created over the years-- I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that."

Hansel: "I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot."

Maury Ballstein: "Oy, It stings me like a fissure in my ass."

Meekus: "It's like, exsqueese me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?"

Brint: "I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel. He's a male model."

Meekus: "Well, Earth to Brint. I was making a joke."

Brint: "Uh, Earth to Meekus. Duh, okay? I knew that."

Meekus: "Earth to Brint. I'm not so sure you did 'cause you were all, 'Well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you didn't know it was a joke."

Brint: "I knew it was a joke, Meekus. I just didn't get it right away."

Meekus: "Earth to Brint---"

Derek: "Would you guys stop it already?"

Derek: "Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother but I mean it like the way black people use it... which is more meaningful, I think."

Derek: "If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident."

Derek: "Oh, I thought you were gonna tell me what a bad eugoogolizer I am."

Matilda: "A what?"

Derek: "A eugoogolizer. One who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?"

Maury Ballstein: "Look out! Tushy squeeze!"

Girl In Office: "Ooh. Maury!"

Derek: "The other day, I was thinking about volunteering to help teach underprivileged children to learn how to read. And just thinking aboout it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had."

Maury Ballstein: "Derek, I don't think you're cut out for that kind of thing."

Derek: "I mean, maybe I could even have my own instiute. We could call it the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good."

Maury Ballstein: "Hey, you wanna hear some great news? (Making Unveiling sound) Bo pada bah ba pada ba ba ba bah!"

Maury Ballstein: "(Making Unveiling sound) Bo pada bah ba pada ba ba ba bah!"

Maury Ballstein: "Right now this guy is so hot he can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil, put a couple of fishhooks on it, and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings."

Mugatu: "Hold very still. Very still. I'm working right now. This--"

Mugatu Model: "Ouch!"

Mugatu: "Oh, I'm sorry. Did my pin get in the way of your ass?! Do me a faver and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now! Get out!"

Mugatu: "I'm so tired! No, Todd, not now!"

Todd (Nathan Lee Graham): "It's Maury."

Mugatu: "Tell me something good."

Maury Ballstein: "Yeah, I capisce. Now if I can only ca-piss. My prostate's flaring up like a frickin' tiki torch. Give me little pee-pee. Come on, a couple of drops. That's what I'm talking about!"

Maury Ballstein: "That's what I'm talking about!"

Derek: "I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventillated down there."

Larry Zoolander (Jon Voight): "For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in 30 yers."

Derek: "I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it! All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop."

Larry: "With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?"

Maury Ballstein: "Hello? Derek, you hearing me?"

Derek: "God?"

Maury Ballstein: "God? What the bleep are you talking about? It's me, Maury."

Derek: "Without much further ado, I give you the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Reed Good."

Mugatu: "What is this? A center for ants?"

Derek: "What?"

Mugatu: "How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if the can't even fit inside the building?"

Derek: "Derek, It's just a small--"

Mugatu: "I don't want to hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this."

Mugatu: "Happy. Happy. Happy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Mugatu: "Hey there, Derek. My name is little Kleatus. I'm just a regular kid who wants you to know the real truth about child labor laws. Okay?"

Derek: "Okay."

Mugatu: "They're silly and outdated. In the good old days kids as young as five could work s they pleased from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hooray! But today, the age-old right of children to work is under attack. From the philippines to Bangladesh, in China and India and South America too. Boo-Hoo. But you can help these children, Derek... by killing the prime minister of Malaysia. He is bad."

Mugatu: "You learn martial arts."

Mugatu: "Prime minister of Malaysia bad! Martial arts good! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man!"

Mugatu: "Obey my dog!"

Mugatu: "Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities."

Mugatu: "Karate chop! Bad man! Awful man!"

Mugatu: "In your little blue suit nd your spiky black hair you're a super hot ninja machine!"

Derek: "Ahhhhhhh!"

Derek: "What a cuckoo dream."

Matilda: "Hey, are you okay? I've been trying to reach you for a week."

Derek: "A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum."

Matilda: "That was last Friday."

Derek: "Uh, Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?"

Message Machine: "You have 1,200 messages."

Derek: "That is a bit above average."

Katinka (Milla Jovovich): "I do not like snoopy reporter with lck of fashion sense."

Derek: "Hey, Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Maybe next time."

Hansel: "What's that?"

Derek: "Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Sorry you didn't book it."

Hansel: "Oh yeah? I've never even heard of it. Me and my friends have been been too busy bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. Tripping on acid changed our whole perspective on bleep . So, I guess, uh, I guess you can dere-lick my balls, capitan."

Derek: "I can dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much."

Hansel: "Me and my friends have been been too busy bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. Tripping on acid changed our whole perspective on bleep ."

Hansel: "So, I guess, uh, I guess you can dere-lick my balls, capitan."

Derek: "I can dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much."

Derek: "You think you're too cool for school. But I got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite... you aren't."

Hansel: "Who you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?"

Hansel: "Are you challenging me to a walk-off, Boo-lander?"

Billy Zane (Himself): "Don't do this, Derek."

Hansel: "Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude. He's trying to help you out."

Derek: "Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off challenge, my friend."

Derek: "Why is he sticking his hand in his pants?"

Derek: "(The sound Derek makes when he gives himself a snuggie)"

Matilda: "I think Katinka wants to kill you."

Derek: "Good. I deserve to die if I can't beat Han-suck-ass in a walk-off."

Matilda: "Derek, that's not true. I mean, the guy had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you."

J.P. Prewitt (David Duchovny): "The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model."

Matilda: "Okay, that's impossible."

J.P. Prewitt: "Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? But, who do you think made the powdered wigs and colored leg stockings worn by our country's early leaders?"

Derek: "Mugatu!"

J.P. Prewitt: "Slaves, Derek."

Derek: "Oh."

J.P. Prewitt: "Without their free labor, prices on such items would have gone up tenfold. So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original male/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas, 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured Sansabelt slacks. Incredibly popular item at the time."

Matilda: "Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model."

J.P. Prewitt: "You're bleep damn right he wasn't. But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as bleep were."

J.P. Prewitt: "And that was when I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter."

Matilda: "So, how'd you manage to escape?"

J.P. Prewitt: "Because I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We don't think the same as the face and body boys. We're a different breed."

Derek: "So, why male models?"

J.P. Prewitt: "Think about it, Derek. Male models are genetically constructed to become assassins. They're in peak physical condition. They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. They do as they're told."

Derek: "That is not true."

J.P. Prewitt: "Yes it is, Derek."

Derek: "Okay."

J.P. Prewitt: "Models don't think for themselves. They do as they're told."

Derek: "That is not true."

J.P. Prewitt: "Yes it is, Derek."

Derek: "Okay."

J.P. Prewitt: "Yeah. Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on."

Monkey Photographer (Patton Oswalt): "You're a monkey, Derek! You're a monkey! Dance monkey, in your little spangly shoes! Mash your cymbals, chimpy! Dance, Derek, dance!"

Derek: "Good point!"

J.P. Prewitt: "He's just a punk-ass errand boy working for an international syndicate of fashios designers."

Derek: "But why male models?"

J.P. Prewitt: "Are you serious? I just-- I just told you that a moment ago."

Derek: "Right."

J.P. Prewitt: "Ah! You freakin' idiot!"

Hansel: "Hey, everybody! Listen up for a second. Derek and Matilda are hiding 'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek to off the prime minister of Micronesia."

Matilda: "Malaysia."

Hansel: "Right. So, they're gonna be hiding here. Let's show them a good time."

Hansel: "What's the dealio, yo? 'Cause you're not telling us the whole story. There's something else, isn't there?"

Matilda: "You guys really wanna know the truth?"

Hansel: "Yeah"

Derek: "Mm-hmm."

Matilda: "Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you the truth. When I was in seventh grade I was the fat kid in my class."

Derek: "Ew!"

Matilda: "I'd look at these women, these perfect, beautiful, just unbelievable, skinny women. I just couldn't-- Oh, I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I just didn't get it. So, um-- So, I became..."

Hansel: "What?"

Matilda: "Bulimic."

Derek: "You can read minds?"

Hansel: "Ooh."

Derek: "Oh. Ooh, you mean, like, like you, like you..."

Hansel: "Haven't really--"

Derek: "You haven't done it..."

Matilda: "Done it in a while, yeah."

Hansel: "Okay, what's a while? Like, eight days?"

Derek: "More?"

Matilda: "Oh, try a couple years."

Both: "Oh!"

Derek: "Snap!"

Hansel: "How do you live? How do you live?"

Derek: "Seriously, do you, like, service yourself ten times a day?"

Hansel: "Easy, easy. This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked."

Matilda: "What?"

Hansel: "Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea."

Derek: "I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel."

Hansel: "Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything but it was like crazy energy flying back and forth between you guys. It was like, whoa, look out!"

Derek: "There was a moment last night when she was sadwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesman..."

Hansel: "Oh, yeah."

Derek: "...where I thought 'Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.'"

Matilda: "Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead if we get that evidence. Do you guys..."

Hansel: "Whoa, whoa, easy. How about a 'Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night.'"

Derek: "Earth to Matilda. This phone is as much a part of me as..."

Matilda: "You know what? Can we just cut it out with all the 'Earth to's' please?"

Hansel: "We're not actually saying this is the Earth calling you, Matilda."

Matilda: "Yeah. No, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean..."

Derek: "Uh, no, I don't think you do. Listen. It's not like we think we're actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something, okay?"

Hansel: "Hello. Hello."

Derek: "Oh, snap!"

Hansel: "You is talkin' loco and I like it."

Zoolander: "(Trying to turn on the computer) There must be an on button somewhere? Did you press the apple thing?"

Derek: "Let's not lose our cool. Then we're no better than the machine."

Hansel: "Derek, wait. If you go, they'll make you kill that Urasian dude."

Matilda: "Did you find the files?"

Hansel: "I don't even know what they loo-- What do they look like?"

Matilda: "They're in the computer."

Hansel: "They're in the computer?"

Matilda: "Yeah, they're definitely in there. I don't know how he labled them."

Hansel: "I got it."

Matilda: "You gotta figure it out. We're running out of time. You gotta find them and meet me at the show."

Hansel: "Roger. In the computer. It's so simple."

Mugatu: "They're breakdance fighting."

Hansel: "That's bullbleep ."

Hansel: "Listen up, everyone. Mugatu's a dick! He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the Claymation dude."

Hansel: "We got 30 years of files right here in this computer that are gonna bring you down! "

Matilda: "Oh, no."

Hansel: "Down! (He smashes the computer) Where did all the files go?"

Hansel: "Yo! Taste my pain, bitch!"

Maury Ballstein: "I got two words for you, sugar: Zip disk!"

Maury Ballstein: "Hold on a sec. I'm afraid of the radiation. Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen. I need you to bring that Zip disk in the den down to the fashion show. I don't care what the traffic is like. Take the bleep damn service road and get off before the bridge. So put it in one of those Tupperware containers and I'll heat it up in the mucrowave when I get home. For christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila! It'll stay!"

Mugatu: "Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein!"

Mugatu: "Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man only has one look for christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

Mugatu: "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

Mugatu: "I invented the piano key necktie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've done nothing! Nothing! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me! Because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking scum!"

Mugatu: "I invented the piano key necktie! I invented it!"

Mugatu: "What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've done nothing! Nothing!"

Mugatu: "Die, you wage-hiking scum!"

Maury Ballstein: "Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin' for!"

Mugatu: "Dear God, it's beautiful."

Maury Ballstein: "I love that kid. Dumb as a stump, but I love him."

Matilda: "Derek, you did it! That was amazing!"

Derek: "I know. I turned left!"

Matilda: "Yeah, that too. But, Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!"

Derek: "Oh, right. Cool."

Maury Ballstein: "The designer's got your nuts in a vise offering you ten million plus three percent of every pair of underwear sold. What are you gonna do?"

Kids: "Screw him! Hold out for more!"

Maury Ballstein: "That's what I'm talking about!"

Maury Ballstein: "That's what I'm talking about!"

The following wavs are from the DVD Menus.

Derek: "I'm here to welcome you to the wonderful world of deevehduh."

Derek: "Are you ready to push some buttons? And I don't meas that in a psycological manipulative sort of way."

Derek: "First, there's play. This button starts the movie. I know what you're thinking. It's a movie, not a play. Why not call it movie button? Well, a lot of these buttons were written in the olden days when plays were movies."

Derek: "Then there's scene selection. It lets you skip over parts of the movie that don't have really good looking people!"

Katinka: "Stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander."

Derek: "And go straight to the ones with me, Hansel, Matilda and Winona Ryder."

Derek: "Special features. On me, I'd say it's my eyebrows."

Derek: "Don't forget about setup. That's where you can do, like, different kinds of setup oriented type things like setting things up and all that stuff."

Mugatu: "Obey my dog!"

Derek: "If you're on the special features menu, you must be one of the hundreds of people who saw Zoolander and wanted more."

Derek: "The special features are like a ticket to a really cool after party where the movie is like the pre-party and your tv is like the bouncer and the little remote control is like the little guy who is saying 'Let me in. Let me in. I'm on the list.' But he isn't on the list. But he's trying to get in because he thinks he's cool, but in fact if you're really cool, you don't even have to be on the list because you're that cool. So when you go to special features, it's like, 'Hey step aside, Bro. I know Derek Zoolander. So let me in.' Cool?"