ESPN are reporting that Arsenal have signed a new head of Sports Science … from West Ham.

Andy Rolls will, apparently, begin work next month and comes with a wealth of experience from the Hammers. He’s been involved in such scientific endeavours as:

Discovering the critical mass of Andy Carroll

The boiling point of Kevin Nolan

Splitting Jussi Jääskeläinen’s atom

Pasteurising the milk Allardyce expresses for his team to drink before matches

Rolls Law of effusion and diffusion in relation to Ricardo Vaz Te

The time dilation effect of gravity on Carlton Cole

The Pavlovian response of Guy Demel to being left on the bench

He now gets to work in the underground laboratory at London Colney where dozens of Diaby clones are put through their paces to try and find the perfect midfielder. As yet experiments have been unsuccessful with a number of them going ‘rogue’ and having to be put down with ‘extreme prejudice’.

It’s believed a number of these half-formed Diabys escaped the compound and were found as far afield as Letchworth before being captured. Rolls certainly has a big job on his hands when he starts next month.

Best of luck to him.