I can almost feel how the title of this article triggered you. How even before reading it your inner fighter is ready to jump in, scream and scratch. Well, good. Now, let’s talk. Let’s talk about you before we talk about the others. Let’s talk about your world, the world you are living in and the world you’ve created, before we talk about the world “out there”…

Yes, on average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape or physical violence by an intimate partner just in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year. That’s statistics…

But let’s forget about macro-issues and focus on you and your own unhappiness. You are under your trying, distracting and anger, unhappy, aren’t you? Chronically unsatisfied, unfulfilled, no shame intended though. Sounds like you need to be punished Sign up for my 1 on 1 training Free of Bondage. My whip will set you free :-). In any case, read on.

So, let’s start with this question. WHY DO YOU SUFFER?, and then let’s talk about WHY DO YOU CAUSE OTHERS TO SUFFER?

I invite you to look at each point very thoroughly. They might all look so obvious, but you would be amazed how little we, humans, really understand our notions… So…

WHY DO YOU SUFFER?

1. You suffer because You Define Yourself By Your Past. How can we check whether that’s true?

Let’s do a little exercise. Let me ask you now, why do you think you suffer? Please do answer this question, before reading further. Just close your eyes and answer this question “why do I experience emotional turmoil so often”? Take your time… Now… If you really went through this exercise, I am sure there story goes like this (pick any of the stories that apply).

– A few months back I broke up with the love of my life

– I always thought I would make something out of myself, be rich and famous, but now I am in debt and nobody gives a damn about me

– My parents didn’t love me when I was a child (or did) and now they are gone

– I was abused physically or sexually

– I cheated on my spouse, how could I do that

– I didn’t cheat on my spouse – he / she did

– Etc, etc, etc…

And there is no end to those stories we love to tell to ourselves, using them as excuses for not dealing what’s at hand, here and now … And amazingly, we tell those stories to ourselves so many times that we feel inseparable from them. We feel truly justified – using them as labels, an identity we use to justify our miserable existence… Then we tell the story to anybody willing to listen. And god forbid (which god?) they don’t show compassion, or they don’t commiserate with you… Howe dare they?!

No? Doesn’t sound familiar?

Oh, c’mon, you even pick your friends based on how pleasant it is to exchange your sad stories with the person. And here is an even deeper revelation – you even “fall in love” based on how much comfort you feel from another person as you are dumping on them your fairytales. That’s why you just cheated on your spouse with a friendly ear and wet “compassionate” eyes…

Did I just sound too harsh? You bet your ass I did. That’s what my invitation for you to wake up looks like.

Now comes the even more interesting part…

2. You suffer because Wound Worshiping Brings You Pleasure And You Don’t Want To Let It Go. In other words, you don’t really want to let go of your suffering.

Let’s do another exercise. Tell me… If you rate your desire to let go of suffering on scale 1 to 10, how much do you want to let go of this pain? Now, be honest. You can cheat yourself, but only for so long. And I assure you that you won’t deceive me.

Here is the interesting part. From my experience healing / guiding people towards emotional recovery (call it coaching, teaching, healing, whatever word suits your fancy) the most common grade is 7-8 out of 10. And with deeper investigation, we come down to about 5-6. So, it’s very hard to see a recovery / transformation in someone who actually wants to hold on to their suffering. Of course, the work is in discovering why on earth you are indulging in your pain so consistently and for so long.

3. You keep suffering because When You Suffer You Cause Others To Suffer, Then You Suffer Even More… and perpetually cause even more suffering around you… And the wheel keeps turning…

Shall we do our little exercise again? Can you stop for a moment and answer this question – who did you see suffer lately because of your mood, depressions, anxieties, anger? Because of your blames, insecurities, judgments, or even active acts of violence of any kind – verbal, psychological or even physical? No, no… Don’t’ stop reading… I know it’s uncomfortable… And I know that you feel guilty, even if it’s not obvious… But sweetheart, stay with me. Just tell the truth, to yourself… With all honesty… Count everybody around you, don’t leave anybody out. You are hurting just to think about the suffering you’re causing, aren’t you? But so are they…

I remember as I spoke once on compassion, a woman (well-meaning woman) jumped in and yelled “How can you advocate forgiveness? How can you speak against punishment? You don’t know what pain is, that’s why you can philosophize about forgiveness. You don’t know what pain is!”

So, you think so, eh?

Well… I will tell you how far that is from the truth, in a moment, but let me use it as an opportunity to introduce another point.

4. We suffer because We Project Our Stories Onto Others. We are believe our fantasies are real. And unfortunately, very few of those fantasies actually contribute to our happiness or the happiness of others. In most cases the fantasies are horror stories, where others are monsters. We want to fight this “cruel and unfair life”, so we invent enemies. As for us – in our fantasies we are sometimes heroes, sometimes victims, sometimes monsters that need punishment. No? So, you think it’s not about you? Ok, darling, ready for the next small exercise?

How many times have you gossiped about others this year? What about this week? What about today, at least in your thoughts? How many people have you judged, how many possibly well-meaning intentions have you condemned, how many actions have you criticized? Politicians you’ve criticized? Can you at least admit that all your judgments have hardly anything to do with reality, as you don’t even know the reality of another human being? For Christ sakes, you don’t even know your own reality. You have no data whatsoever about another’s life, you are instead overwhelmed by your imagined perceptions… And in most cases your thoughts are not kind… you are writing a script and boy, the screenwriter is angry! …the director is confused and the producer is broke!

So, now let’s clarify the doubts of that well-meaning woman that fantasized about my life not having a slightest idea about forgiveness. Let me tell you a few facts, a few “stories” of my life.

– I was, by pure accident, not killed by a man when I was 5 or so. A little girl from my neighborhood was slaughtered by the same man I barely managed to escape.

– At about age 7, I saw my mom by pure luck escape being shot by a robber who broke into our home in Kiev and put a gun against her forehead. Barefoot I watched from the doorway… oh boy!

– At the age of 17 I was brutally raped by someone who I went on a date with, and lived with this secret till I turned about thirty something (forget about therapy, etc. in the world I grew up in). Since then I’ve talked openly about it, using the story as a reference point for messages I care about.

– At the age of thirty something I was almost killed by a lover I had been seeing for 6 months. No, we had no arguments at all, ever. And no, I will probably never know why, besides my wild guess that some people would rather see a lover dead than being abandoned (again, the abandoning was just in his head). I never ran so fast in my life!

– I encountered a similar “drama” later in my life as well. This time, I came even closer to death – there was no place to run this time. But… Well, here I am…

– I lived with someone who turned out to be what society calls a pedophile (luckily, not aggressive). Apparently, I wasn’t young enough for him in my twenty somethings, he liked them under 10… Oh well… We parted…

– Later in life I suffered from extreme panic attacks that caused 2 car accidents. I prefer not to drive these days even though I am not attacked by my phobias any more, they gave up. But I think everyone on the roads is safer when I am in the passenger seat.

– With that said, I myself tasted the desire for blood and revenge – I stopped myself (in time) from the burning urge to kill a man who terribly betrayed and robbed me. I prayed for revenge as a way I thought, to stop my own suffering that I felt I could not handle any longer. I am blessed by my ability to regain common sense and luckily never crossed that line… Being once so close though, how can I ever judge another being? And WHY SHOULD YOU?

So, that’s a snapshot – a few stories of my life… So, what do you think? Do I know a tiny bit about pain? And am I to any degree qualified to talk about compassion and forgiveness?

Well… As we settle that… I healed myself, I can heal you and yours too. Let’s talk. Sign up for my 1 on 1 training Free of Bondage.

What causes the most pain and suffering, and violence in all forms is…

5. Your desire for security… whatever form it takes. A cornered animal will do anything to survive. We often imagine we are cornered, we attack to protect. We fight for security, even though it is a false sense of security, and what you are really fighting are imaginary demons…

And you are trying to accomplish this sense of security with…

6. Burning desire for control… and you will try to gain this control by all means, in any available (and not available) way humanly possible. And often, you will go a long way to gain control, even if it’s just an illusion of such. Some time, at any cost.

I can assure you that all the violence I experienced and observed was mainly driven by rage due to the absence of control, desperation to grasp it in any possible way… And…in the face of a subconscious realization, yet unwillingness to accept the fact that… WE ARE NEVER IN CONTROL. EVER. OF ANYONE OR ANYTHING, REALLY…

How can we control others if we hardly can control ourselves?

Some say, “oh, I can control myself”.

Oh really? OK, WHAT CAN YOU CONTROL?

You emotions? Then why are you miserable, angry, suspicious, untrusting, moody, sad, unkind so much of the time?

Your thoughts? Honey, I know you are a believer in positive thinking, and I applaud you for this beautiful illusion (hey, if one must have illusions, at least have some better ones, right?)… But do me a favor now. Stop all you do and for 5 minutes don’t think about PINK ELEPHANTS. Just for 5 minutes. DON’T THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS. Absolutely, just for 5 minutes, don’t think about pink elephants.

Take your time… So, how is it going? How many times [per second] have you thought about pink elephants? 😉

Ok, breathe now… Life is not as bad as I’ve been describing… Actually, quite to the contrary, it’s quite beautiful… When we don’t live in our heads…

Your actions? Well, obviously if you can’t control your thoughts and emotions how can you believe you can control your actions? Impossible!

See, I wanted to cover 20 reasons and now only on #6, yet it’s already almost 2000 words…

Since I am writing an article, not a book, I better let you go for now… If you want me to cover the remaining 14 (I bet we can go deeper and get to 50 and more), let me know. Post a thought in the comment field… Suggest your reasons for human suffering, as you see them… We can’t stop it all together… but we do have an ability to transform one life at a time… Even if it’s our own… But at least we stop transmitting the virus of suffering to others, especially loved ones…

Yes, from the first glance it might look like this web site is dedicated to couples building a business together, but that’s just on the surface… That’s what pop-culture can consume… A better marriage, a better business, more money… And yes, all that is quite wonderful.. But that’s not the real journey, it’s an outcome of deeper work.

And yes, we make a wonderful promise… But I invite you to also dig deeper with me… Possibly much deeper than these few [obvious for some] points in my article…

My very dear friend, one that I know or one that I will never know… Please, as you stop reading this and return to your world, be gentle with yourself… Be gentle to others… Forgive everybody, and most importantly, forgive yourself. Feel compassion towards others, and yes, most of all – towards yourself…

The world is not cruel – we are. The world is what it is… And we make it everything else…

PEOPLE WHO ARE HURT – HURT OTHERS.

So, heal yourself… Or shall I be more genuine and drop the word “heal”, and instead say – there is nothing to “heal” – there is only to “realize”.

Sending you all my love and support…

Feel connected to my words in any way? Have questions? Get in touch… Let’s have a conversation. Sign up for my 1 on 1 training Free of Bondage.