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The best way to tell if someone is a passionate activist or a contentious fuck is to examine their endgame. Let's see what conservatives get if they "win" the war on Christmas. Say a town is under siege by bored atheists to remove a baby Jesus from a state park's Nativity scene. Those godless protestors are obviously seeking out their own oppression where there is none, but so is Fox News, so that's a wash. And to be honest, the Fox people always seem unsatisfied with the number of baby Jesuses. Last year, the Obamas' Christmas card featured his dog instead of his Insecure Lord, and Fox News called it, no bullshit, Christmas Under Attack!



A cute dog frolicking in pure Christmas snow? Not in my God's America, Hadji.

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If you've had your toothpaste taken away by airport security or received a parking ticket for being an inch over some line, you get why Christians are upset. We live under thousands of nitpicky regulations designed to protect you, but they're mostly used by sad little bitches to ruin your day. And if you're hassling someone over a Jesus, "little bitch" might be a generous way to describe you. Now, there's no elegant policy for dealing with broken, horrible people. If you're a self-important jackass, you demand that Jesus stays in the manger, but that makes your religious organization look like both pushy dicks and whiny victims while wasting time that could have been spent on any hundreds of activities that express a Christian value. Plus, even if you convince some official to bend the rules for your plastic Jesus, you've helped no living person do or learn anything. So clearly Christmas isn't being defended for any kind of "good."

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So is it a freedom argument? Kind of. You could always find a 5-year-old if you need "freedom of religion" explained, but it doesn't quite mean you get to leave babies laying around wherever. Conservative or not, no one wants to win the argument that religions are free to do whatever and fuck you. And remember, they are grown-ass people at Fox News -- they're not really dumb enough to think that everyone can just be Christian and like it. That means the War on Christmas is only them trying to come out on top in tribal warfare they themselves are manufacturing. And philosophically speaking, when your sense of social responsibility extends only to blindly "winning" for your side at all costs, you're not exactly enlightened. You're closer to the chimpanzee word for "ass parasite."