by

The Ass Press

Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT

London, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain what really happens during these tape delays and censorship of the games.

“NBC has been in business for over 86 years,” Horner said. “NBC knows what the American people like to watch and what they are mentally unable to handle. We make sure to edit all of our footage so it’s friendly and pleasant for everyone. It’s our way of coming into your living room every night and saying, hello and how are you this evening?”

Brandon Adams from Dequincy, Louisiana says he doesn’t mind the tape delay or censorship by NBC of the games. “I didn’t even know the Olympics were going on till the other night. Me and my old lady had just got in a fight so I was at home drinking a few beers and channel surfing. Suddenly I turn to NBC and I see this half naked girly jumping around in a bikini. So I called up my good friend Charles Ray in Jackson County to tell him about this girl on TV. He then told me that was the Olympics and I was like whaaaat!?!”

Horner went on to explain the different options to watch the games and the costs associated with each one. “There’s a ‘live feed’, and then there’s a ‘live-live feed’. The live feed is free. The live-live feed costs $100 because it’s a more expensive technology involving quantum physics and some forms of time travel.” Horner continued, “If someone were to spend $100 so that they can watch the games ‘live-live’ and unedited they can, and no one is stopping them from doing that. But how much more fun is it to have a multinational corporation like NBC make your decisions for you about what you like and what you don’t like and when you are allowed to watch what you want to watch? Our censoring and tape delays have nothing to do with trying to get you to pay the $100 fee, it’s only about love. At NBC, we love you.”

Critics are quick to point out how the tape delay is unfair and completely unnecessary. “The Summer Olympics are one of the most important sporting events known to man,” says Jay B Fail a reporter with The New York Times. “These actions by NBC are just pure greed, plain and simple.”

Horner finished the press conference by explaining one of the main reasons for the tape delay. “Here at NBC we take the airing of the Olympics extremely serious. After our cameras record that days events in London, the tape is then hand delivered to another NBC executive 10 miles away in Watford. From there the tape is passed on to the town of Luton. In Luton the tape is given to a runner in Northhampton where they will then make the final 50 mile trek to an NBC broadcasting station in Leicester. There the tape is carefully viewed for authenticity by specialists, edited for happiness and then aired live to Americans for their viewing entertainment. This also gives most Americans enough time to fly home and watch what they saw at the Olympics in London live on television in the comfort of their own home.”