Overall

Vision Vision

Originality Originality

Technique Technique

Impact Impact

I'm sorry if I already sent this, my computer freaked out like an idiot so I don't know if it sent or just refreshed.Anyways, I'm not going to simply tell you how amazing this is, but rather I'm going to take a look at where you went wrong, but also what you did well. If you don’t take critiques well, please stop reading.But I’m making it sound worse than it is, so I’ll begin now (note that I’m critiquing the comic as a whole, not just this page)First off, be careful of how far you stretch the story. By this, I mean that several times I found myself thinking about if that would really happen, or if it was just too much to put in. For example; while they were playing the games and the strawberry monsters appeared, why did the Doctor HAVE to know about them? It just seemed a bit of a stretch that they HAPPENED to have those exact creatures that the Doctors had heard about before and knew almost completely about. You could have simply had him observe and guess that they attack when the tree feels threatened. Another example is that when Foresight became the big cyberpony guy, but he just HAPPENED to be the only one out of thousands that had an error while being changed. So be careful about how much you stretch the story and how often you do it.Which brings me to my next point; dramatic moments. This is normally when a character says a cool line paired with either a super closeup, or a farther away, full body shot. They are useful for changing the feel of the scenario to serious. They tell us (the viewers) that what’s coming up next is something we should be ready to be epic. This is also something that a LOT of people go overboard with, you included. I’m sorry, but in this story, it was used WAY too much. Like, it was on about every other page, and I’m pretty sure it was at the end of just about all the chapters. It’s the same thing with the cliffhangers you used. They were just WAAAY too often there. I was no longer shocked by them, but expecting them, and I started to lose interest in them. It’s like in a haunted house. You don’t want to just throw the “pop outs” on every five steps or so, you want to spread them out to only a few times so it’s less expected and the effect is bigger.A little specific point here is that I say you should have never shown us the Doctor after he was regenerated. There was really no point to it, and it would have made the ending so much more meaningful if we never saw what happened to him and it was left a mystery to us, as well as the other ponies.The last point is definitely the biggest for me, and something that really REALLY bothered me. Please, never EVER do easy fixes. I’m talking about the ending you gave us. You basically pulled us through this amazing and epic story that left us wondering how it’s going to be fix and “what creative way” you’d come up with to end it, and then…. Well, it wasn’t creative at all. It was just “Oh there’s magic and stuff and now everything’s better again the end.” It left me very confused and VERY disappointed. After everything we went through and all the people we lost, it all was nullified because they did one spell that didn’t even cost them a lot and everything was fine after that. This could have been fixed in one of two ways; either all the ponies lost stayed lost and the remaining ponies had to continue on, which would have been the more “bittersweet, not everything ends perfectly” ending, OR you could have made the loss greater in the spell. What I mean is, say, because it used the energy thing from the Doctor, he either forgets all about that world when he’s regenerated, and/or, he could never go back to that world because if he did, he’d, like, reverse the spell or… something. I don’t know, something that WASN’T as easy as what you gave. You even treated it as though it was unimportant afterwards by just calling it the “magic thing” or whatever it was. It was really a big mistake to me and I wish you had done a lot more with it. The solution just fell flat all in all.Now enough about the bad stuff, I want to talk about the things you did well and you should continue to do well in future stories.Loops/circles! I LOVE these! What I mean is when something mentioned in the beginning is brought back in the end, normally in either different context with the same meaning, or in the same context but with a different twist. The one I’m thinking of is on this page with the shooting star thing. It’s really well done and it made me smile, so good job with that!Failure. Failure is something that a lot of story writers avoid doing, and while the failure you brought was mostly nullified by the solution (mentioned it above), I’m still glad it was there. I’m talking about when the characters try to do something (such as saving Bon Bon), yet fail. It allows the viewer to feel as desperate and hopeless as the characters do, and makes the successes that much more meaningful because it’s no longer a “Oh don’t worry, they’ll be okay since they always succeed” but a “I don’t know if they’ll be able to do it this time…” It keeps us guessing and makes it much more realistic.The characters. You did this FANTASTICALLY! I never once saw a moment in which I was scratching my head saying “wow, really? That doesn’t seem like them at all.” All the characters were consistent and each one developed in their own way. One that stood out to me was Johnny. Having a completely comedy-based character in such a difficult situation is hard to do because there’s a lot of temptation to change them into a serious character. You, however, managed to keep him consistent through everything and never once did he do anything out of character.The last thing I’d like to praise you on is on Foresight himself. Having a character that sees into the future is normally something a lot of people mess up. This is because they have the character make a prediction that makes the viewer wonder how they’ll get around that, and then in the end the prediction simply doesn’t come true or is avoided. However, that never happened. His predictions DID come true, just not in the way planned, and it takes a lot to come up with a believable, yet not obvious way to turn it around so it comes true.So sorry this turned out so long, but I hope the advice I gave is helpful to you. I really enjoyed the story as a whole and while there’s a lot that you could have done better, there’s also a lot that left me in tears or laughing. I look forward to more of your work.