CHICAGO—Though it contains several significant discoveries with a direct bearing on human health, a comprehensive study published this week in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found no data that will in fact convince you to change your lifestyle in any way, so what’s the point of even telling you about it? “Rigorous, controlled study of hundreds of volunteers has revealed a dramatic trend toward nothing that will make you take better care of yourself, or alter your behavior in a meaningful sense, thus leading us to conclude we’re all wasting our time here,” said study author Dr. Janice Carlisle, who added that 85 percent of Americans probably tuned out the second they heard the word “study” anyway, because isn’t that just how people fucking are. “Well-established scientific facts about long-term health meant nothing to you last year, and they’ll mean nothing to you this year or any year after until you die, so forget it. Just do what you want.” Carlisle added that the new research might also help explain the role a sedentary lifestyle plays in—look, no one has even read past the first sentence of this news story, so there’s really no reason to go into it, now is there?

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