When I become completely overwhelmed and overstimulated, my mind just shuts down. This also happens when I am stressed or anxious. My mind just doesn’t shut down, my whole body does. I have come to call this overload paralysis. I don’t know if this is the technical term for this phenomenon. (If it is not, I call dibs on coining it.) I think the paralysis is my biggest obstacle when it comes to productivity. It isn’t lack of drive, will or motivation. It is that I just physically can’t. I am sure there is someone out there reading this, thinking well it is all in your head. The whole mind over matter crapola. All I have to say you is,”No shit, Sherlock.” Just like diabetes is in your pancreas.

I always start off my day with the best of intentions to really buckle down. I even have a schedule planned out on my Google calendar. It sends me reminders to my email and phone. I figure that if I could just keep a schedule I would keep productive. And as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The problem is I tend to over think things and not stay on task. I bounce around from my kids to writing to scrolling through social media. I know that I have things I need to accomplish. I become overwhelmed and overstimulated and then my mind goes into overload mood. Then the system just shuts down. I am literally frozen. It is the most horrible feeling that I can’t even properly describe.

I just become this large lump on my coach flipping mindlessly through my DISH channels. It is my distraction. It is how I calm the storm brewing in my mind. Just checking out. It is something I have always done without thinking. It is my biggest obstacle that I have yet to overcome. I am often seen as unreliable and someone who procrastinates because of this. A side effect of a condition, I have little control over. I so badly want to finish what I am doing. However the feeling of passing out and vomiting becomes overwhelming. Grasping for air like I am drowning is horrifying. I know that these are signs of a panic attacks. My brain knows that these are signs of a panic attack. So instead of slowly hitting the brakes to keep the wreck from happening, it just shuts the car off. I just check out. Next thing I know I have spent the last hour or so staring into oblivion. Anything I may do in-between is purely reflexive. Big D asks for juice, I get juice then I just go back to staring.

It is so disheartening sometimes because I want to really take things to great places. I have goals and dreams like everyone else. It is just when I go “all-in” on something, my mind just can’t handle it. I do sometimes wish that I could go back to therapy. Unfortunately that is not in the financial cards at this moment. It is just a hill that I have to work on overcoming. One baby step at a time.

Have you ever suffered overload paralysis? Or maybe something similar?