John Hugo and Patrick Soutter might be the least gay men in America. Just ask them. These guys ooze masculine sexual energy. So it makes sense that these two Massachusetts men are the driving force behind the first-ever Straight Pride Parade — coming to Boston, supposedly, on August 31.

Hugo and Soutter agreed to be interviewed in an undisclosed location about their effort to proudly stand on behalf of what they deem to be the “most oppressed majority” in the country.

You might suspect the two men who are spending their free time organizing a “Straight Pride Parade” are just closeted gay men violently repressing their true sexualities. But Hugo and Soutter assured me that they have never had sex with each other. That neither man would show me his penis in a bowling alley parking lot only confirms they are very definitely super heterosexual and not at all swiping right on Grindr as you read this.

Watch the interview.