CALGARY, AB – Surveying the livelihood and stability of adults born between 1982 and 2004, a report released today has concluded that the net worth of the average millennial is only 8000 likes across all on social media platforms, threatening their ability to retire happily later in life.

“We were shocked to discover that millennial’s stockpile of personal value was so low,” stated lead author Dr. Samantha Wong-MacDonald, adding how anecdotal evidence pointed to anxiety and depression coupled with unsteady employment and large student debt may have something to do with it. “It’s raising tough questions for inter-generational insecurity.”

Boomers, for their part, did not have social media profiles to garner true personal worth from, so by proxy, researchers used useless, useless money. While they admit likes do give an accurate measure of an individual’s value, likes cannot, contrary to popular belief, be exchanged for goods and services.

The report released by the Generational Research Forum looked at millennial online activity and indexed likes, retweets and hearts to give a global average of how much each respondent was actually worth in real numbers, as determined by actual people scrolling through your timelines. The authors came up with these numbers after correcting for blocks, fake followers and, of course, cheap likes from thirst traps.

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