An Awkward Meeting Between Myself and Timothée Chalamet

When Two Awkwards Meet

As I approach the cafe where we are meeting, I see him waiting on the other side of the glass door. He also sees me. We both begin to say “hello” even though neither of us can hear the other. I reach to pull the door handle just as he reaches for it from the inside. We both pull as hard as we can for what seems like an eternity but is more like 10 seconds. I finally relent which sends his lithe frame flying backwards into a passerby. He apologizes profusely, earnestly and charmingly to the passerby; he/she/they fall instantly in love with Timmy. While this is happening, I have made my way into the cafe and I have been apologizing profusely to Timmy for having let go of the door. But no one has heard me because Timmy was in the middle of his apology.

We are finally standing face to face. I am nervous so I begin to look down at my feet. I finally muster the courage to speak, keeping my gaze firmly planted on my feet and the floor surrounding them. I begin to say, “I feel so nervous meeting you. I have such a big crush on you, the kind of crush I would get as a teen only I am almost twice your age. Sometimes I feel like I am sort of a creep. I have seen Call me by Your Name four times in theaters and I have subsequently watched every other film and TV show you have made”. At this point I finally begin to look up so I can look him in his beautiful blue/green/grey eyes, only to discover he is not there. He has fallen over backward and is now covered in a pile of coats that appeared out of nowhere. He has heard nothing I have said.

Timmy stands up and apologizes for not having heard anything I said-I fall in love all over again. He asks me to start again. This time I look straight into his beautifully, angular face and I begin to speak, only nothing comes out; my throat is bone dry. I forgot to drink water today. I keep trying to speak but nothing comes out. I am beginning to actually choke. I dramatically fall to my knees clutching my throat with both hands. Timmy looks alarmed, he animatedly reaches towards me in futility then he screams “water!” and turns towards the counter behind him, knocking over every item on the counter, there is glass everywhere, coffee all over, Espresso machines knocked over. While all this is happening another customer walks over to me and gives me their water. I recover. I help Timmy pick up the glass and Espresso machines. Timmy apologizes to the staff- they fall in love etc.

We are now both recovered we face each other and he, covered in chards of glass and coffee, he says “Please start again, I really want to hear what you have to say”. A tear begins to roll down my face and I open my mouth to speak. Right then a bald eagle swoops into the cafe through the window and it grabs Timmy with its’ claws and flies out of the cafe carrying Timmy into the air. I stare out dumbfounded and deflated. I look around at the staff and the customers and I apologize-but no one accepts, they all yell “Just leave, you let Timmy get taken by a bald eagle. Booo!”. So I make my way out of the café, I walk through the Timmy shaped hole in the window just to feel close to him, for a moment.

Meanwhile, minutes later a plastic bag flies smack into the bald eagles face covering its eyes. The bald eagle panics and lets go of Timmy sending him straight down…onto a cushioned lounge chair in the rooftop bar of the Bowery hotel. Timmy looks around and sees all his friends, they say “Hey Timmy!! You made it, come join us! What’s with all the glass on your arms and face?” He says to himself in a hushed tone “Don’t be awkward”. Then looks at his friends and shrugs with a silly/cute/adorable/perfect/funny/charming look on his face. The friends are all satisfied with that answer and they begin to enjoy a great time together: celebrating Timmy.