Party whose leader f*cked a dead pig tells nation it can only watch ‘conventional sex acts’

Internet users in the UK have been left horrified after learning they will only be able to watch pornography featuring what the Conservative party considers ‘conventional sex acts’ under new proposals.

The little-known clause in the Digital Economy Bill will ensure everyone’s pornography tastes confirm to the average Conservative party member.

Internet user Simon Williams told us, “I consider myself pretty open-minded when it comes to sex, but the stuff these Tories consider conventional had me reaching for the sick bag.

“The thought of my penis going anywhere near a dead animal immediately ruins any erection I’ve managed to muster, never mind actually fucking a dead pig. They have a very strange definition of ‘conventional’.

“Apparently forcing your partner to scream a muffled safe word through a ball-gag is perfectly normal, but performing oral sex most definitely is not.

“One of them told me it was fine to watch someone performing a ‘Cincinnati Handbag’ – whatever that is – but a female orgasm was beyond the pale.”

The government has defended the clause in the Bill, explaining that conventional sex in the world of Conservative politics should be enough to satisfy even the wildest of tastes.

A party spokesperson explained, “Look, we’re not here to tell you what you can and can’t do in the bedroom – as we’ve been saying since the early 90’s, anything goes, as long as you’re wearing a Chelsea shirt.”

Things David Cameron has f*cked – get the t-shirt!