By Jack Edwards

I’m no conspiracy theorist, and millions of loyal Jocularious readers trust me to limit my reporting on rumors to those which meet a strict standard, otherwise referred to as “marginally reliable.” That said, I must now break a national, indeed, an international story that will send shockwaves through US-China relations, as well as zoos around the world.

I was waiting like a drugged sheep in a Starbucks line recently trying to score a simple brewed coffee. (Heresy, yes, I know.) When I ran into an acquaintance. He’s from China. I can’t tell you his name, because in case you haven’t heard, the Chinese use dissidents for spare parts, and he’s perfectly happy with the current location of his liver. As he sipped on a double, tall, chai latte, with extra foam, he spilled the beans. It turns out that China has once again played the US for a fool. His source? A friend of a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend who knows someone deep inside China’s central government.

Here it is. You know how China makes a big deal over loaning those giant pandas to the US? The ones they keep at the National Zoo in Washington D.C., and treat them like they’re Prince William and Princess Kate? Well, here’s the scandal: They aren’t really giant pandas. They’re giant albino raccoons.

Sure, I was skeptical too. Until I investigated further. I compared photos on Google images of the giant pandas with those of common raccoons. Low and behold, there is a striking resemblance.

I scheduled a meeting with the Director of Panda Operations at the National Zoo, Dr. Bud McLaughlin. After I explained my concern, Dr. McLaughlin stood up from behind his desk, and said, and I quote, “Please leave my office, and do not return.” As security personnel dragged me by my feet from his office, I yelled out my final question: “Do you expect the American people to believe that you’ve got two giant albino raccoons less than two miles from the Chinese Embassy and not believe you’re on China’s payroll?” No surprise, he refused to answer.

You may ask, ‘Why?’ Why would the Chinese dupe us with a couple of oversized albino raccoons? Simple, for the same reason people climb mountains, because they’re there.

Let’s evaluate.

First off, the Chinese probably figured that with them duping us economically on a daily basis, this would be a cake walk. Why give the US a diamond, when they could give us Cubic Zirconia? Only, big mistake, because Cubic Zirconia is fine if your wife doesn’t find out. That’s what the US will be when this news breaks – the scorned wife that wasn’t worth the price of the real deal. The conclusion? China doesn’t really love us. In fact, they don’t even like us.

Consider this. The value of a Giant Panda is, well, priceless. You couldn’t buy one if you tried. Bill Gates couldn’t even buy one. (Unless, of course, he found a Chinese zoo keeper in need of a Bentley and a waterfront vacation home in Shanghai). The value of a raccoon on the other hand? In my city, you can trap them at will, and then you’re supposed to “dispatch them” outside city limits. Heck, I transported three of them out of my backyard last summer. Of course, I couldn’t bring myself to kill them, so I released them near a stream where I have no doubt they are now happily terrorizing rural residents.

What is the US to do? What is the appropriate action? No doubt the State Department is already burning the midnight oil debating this question. My suggestion? Present China with a gift of our own. A bald eagle. But not just any bald eagle, a bald eagle that’s really just a crow with a shaved head. As its little feathers begin to grow back, it’ll be “Message Accomplished.” Point, set, match, the good-ole US of A.

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