Yeah, I’m going there. I mean when I put up a picture of my kid in his car seat wearing a puffy coat, I had NOOOOOOO idea the kind of ruckus that would explode. But I’m writing this knowing full well that vaccination shit is a TOUCHY subject and that some people might get their panties in a bunch reading this.

After seeing the news about the recent outbreak of measles in Disneyland, it took me a few days to muster up enough courage to “go there” on my blog, but you know what I finally decided. F that. As I learned from a very important book (Five-Minute Spiderman Stories), with great power comes great responsibility. And hell if I’m gonna stand by and watch sweet little innocent kiddos get sick and die and have other shitty lifelong problems because of a few selfish jerkwads.

So here goes.

Dear Mom who decided not to vaccinate her kid against the measles,

I get it. You’re like a mama bear. A mama bear that protects her young against any and all dangers. And no one can say you have to give your kiddo some bullshit shot full of chemicals that might have a few side effects.

I totally agree. We should all protect our children from anything that’s gonna hurt them. So I hope you don’t mind that when I see you walking down the street that I might tackle your kid to the ground and shove a big ole shot in his leg with the MMR vaccine. You know, to protect MY baby bear. (FYI, I’m being sarcastic and I’m not really gonna do this to someone else’s kiddo, just in case you’re too dense to figure that out)

‘Cause here’s the thing, MY kid can’t get the MMR vaccine. That’s right. MY kid has cancer and can’t get it, so when your very healthy kid who can handle getting the measles spreads that shit to my kid who can’t, guess what happens to my kid.

SHE DIES.

As in gone forever. (FYI, I’m using creative license here to make a point and neither Zoey nor Holden really has cancer and both of them have been vaccinated for everything under the sun).

But thank God you didn’t risk your child by giving him a shot that science has proven to be totally SAFE. Yeah, that’s right. That ONE study that said the MMR vaccine might cause autism has been totally debunked. In fact, I just read that it was all an “elaborate fraud.” But why on earth should you believe me? I’m just a stoopid mom in fat pants who still has baby brain three years after I was preggers. So here’s what the CDC says in case you’re want to hear it from a REAL expert:

Is there a link between the MMR shot and autism?

No. Scientists in the United States and other countries have carefully studied the MMR shot. None has found a link between autism and the MMR shot.

Well, that’s a little vague isn’t it? NOOOOOO. No, it is not vague at all. The CDC blatantly says the MMR shot does NOT cause autism.

And guess what that means. That means you didn’t get your kiddo vaccinated and killed someone else’s child for no good reason. Awwww shit, who’s the perfect mommy now? I mean yeah maybe you’re thinking I’m being all melodramatic about this, but here’s another little thing I pulled off the CDC website so you can be lazy if you want and not do the research yourself.

Is it serious?

Measles can be dangerous, especially for babies and young children. From 2001-2013, 28% of children younger than 5 years old who had measles had to be treated in the hospital.

For some children, measles can lead to:

Pneumonia (a serious lung infection)

Lifelong brain damage

Deafness

Death

Wow, that doesn’t sound like just a little rash and fever. That sounds pretty bad. And guess what, I didn’t know this until the recent measles outbreak, but there are like a shitload of kids who can’t get vaccinated for all sorts of reasons. Kids who are less than a year old. Kids who have cancer. Kids who are allergic to the shot. Kids who have immune system problems. Kids who have blood disorders. Etc etc etc. Yup, there are lots of kiddos out there whose parents would LOVE to get them vaccinated but they can’t.

So ordinarily I’m all for parents deciding whatever they want for their own kiddos. You wanna feed your kid expensive organic green shit out of your mouth? Go for it. You wanna sanitize the crap out of your kiddo’s hands every five minutes? Whatever floats your boat. You wanna let your kiddo pick her own bedtime? That’s not my style, but you do whatever the hell you want.

With ONE exception. If your choice can hurt someone else, it’s not okay.

Anyways, please, it’s not too late. Go get the shots for your kiddo. Or if you’re on the fence and you’re deciding what to do, don’t just research it. Make sure you’re reading what the RELIABLE experts say. Because there are a lot of ass-hats out there who are spouting a bunch of bullshit on the Internet and they’re not stopping to think their bullshit might actually be killing children.

Sincerely,

A mom who vaccinated her kids because she thinks scientists are a whole lot smarter than she is

P.S. If you think I’m kinda sorta funnyish and might like to read some of my other stuff, don’t forget to check out my New York Times Bestselling book.