Kidnap and Ransom, ABC1, 8.30pm Given its ready-made narratives and natural tension, the job of professional hostage negotiator has remained curiously unexamined on the small screen. The first season of this handily put together series attempted to remedy that, with Trevor Eve starring as the no-nonsense Dominic King, a former soldier turned (occasionally successful) hostage negotiator. Eve now returns for a second series, which kicks off tonight in Kashmir, where King is attempting to secure the release of the Mehtas, an Anglo-Indian family who have been abducted while visiting their son, Mahavir. The highly ambient opening sequence excellently sets up what turns out to be a horribly botched release. Eve's refreshingly low-key performance, together with some solid support (keep an eye out for the Taylors, a liverish pair of travelling Brits), makes for quality viewing. Games of the XXX Olympiad - London 2012 Opening Ceremony, Nine, 5.30am

Forget James Bond, forget the Queen and the Beatles. The best thing to come out of England is Winnie-the-Pooh. Such bathos, such a cute nose. Sadly, the Bear of Little Brain won't be making an appearance at tonight's opening ceremony, which is directed by Danny Boyle and features sounds by electronic music duo Underworld. Sounds awful, doesn't it? I'd trade all the chest beating and the tinsel for an understated cameo from Pooh, any day. The Travel Bug, 7Two, 5.30pm The blurb for this new documentary-style travelogue series claims it is ''unique''. But in what sense? Unique in that it contains a singularly unprecedented quantity of useless information? Or in the sense that it has devised a hitherto unknown and thoroughly misleading application of the word ''unique''? That this series, which is hosted by some annoying guy called Morgan Burrett, is in fact thoroughly conventional is not a problem, given the timeslot. After all, it's nice to sit with your kids and watch an uncomplicated travel program that explains the simple things about a destination. But why is Burrett talking to us like we've had our frontal lobes removed? Tonight, for instance, he travels to Scotland, which he tells us is known for its ''rain, kilts, haggis and whisky''. It's also a country ''steeped in history'' with a ''stunning landscape.'' (Are you asleep yet?) Burrett spends the entire time wearing a day-bag on his back, as if he's some street corner meth dealer.

That said, this series does look nice: it's basically a television version of a coffee table book, with lots of pretty pictures of streetscapes, statues and fountains. It's just incredibly boring. And there's nothing unique about that. Audrey's Kitchen, ABC1, 6.25pm Who is that short, fat bald man on MasterChef who always tries to copy the way Gordon Ramsay speaks? Whoever he is, I hate him. I hate how he stuffs his face. I hate how seriously he takes himself. In fact, I hate all cooking shows. Now, finally, there's a cooking show that shares my hatred of cooking shows. Heidi Arena is fictional celebrity chef Audrey Gordon, impeccably coiffed and unbearably pretentious, a woman who mixes her dishes with banal homilies about the importance of slow food and home cooking. Delicious satire. TIM ELLIOTT

Sunday, July 29 Melrose Place, Eleven, 10.30pm Way back in the day there was a racy series called Melrose Place that enriched all our lives with its cast of scum-sucking yuppies who spent the whole time cheating on one another, doing ''blow'' in toilet cubicles and crashing daddy's car. It was awesome. Now it's back. Based on the original series by Darren Star and Aaron Spelling, this modern take on the famous franchise features a deliciously self-obsessed line-up of West Hollywood wannabes and cosmetic surgery enthusiasts, all of whom live in the same complex at Melrose Place. There's up-and-coming publicist Ella Simms (Katie Cassidy), a walking chunk of testosterone known as Auggie Kirkpatrick (Colin Egglesfield), med student Lauren Yung (Stephanie Jacobsen) and Riley Richmond (Jessica Lucas), a first-grade teacher who also happens to be in possession of the most anatomically perfect set of breasts I've ever seen.

All of these people are beautiful; that's a given. The producers' soft-core intentions are asserted in the opening scenes, when we witness a couple sharing a ferocious tongue sambo at a nightclub. They also appear to be suitably ruthless: tonight's first plot point is the murder of landlord Sydney Andrews (Laura Leighton), whose body is found face down in the pool. Delectably tacky. - Tim Elliott Horrible Histories, ABC3, 9.40am Watching Horrible Histories, it is hard to understand how history classes could ever be dull. The past is chockers with fascinating stuff. Did you know, for instance, that in England during the 1630s, churches collected urine from their congregations to make gunpowder? Horrible Histories is not just interesting, it's hilarious. Though aimed at children, it is good comedy for anyone - at least, anyone who can cope with a the odd poo joke. It hurtles from ''Slimy Stuarts'' and ''Terrible Tudors'' to the ''Woeful Second World War '', using skits, animation and songs to create a madcap romp through time. Tangled up in all this silliness about the past are some witty observations about the present. A ''Savage Stone Age Skit'' sees cavemen queuing through the night outside a shop that sells the latest Bronze Age axes. Apple products, anyone? In the ''Stupid Deaths'' segment, gormless archers compete for a place in the afterlife by telling stories of their foolish and avoidable demises. Immortal Idol?

Compass: Dinner in Kellyville, ABC1, 6.30pm At most dinner parties, neither the chatter over canapes nor the arguments over apple sorbet would make good television. That is because most dinner parties do not have Geraldine Doogue to manage things. With a question here and an observation there, she guides the talk towards pertinent social issues and prevents chatterboxes from becoming boors. This series of three episodes features Doogue chatting over dinner with three groups of women: suburban housewives from Kellyville, women on the land in Longreach, and rich personalities in Melbourne. It asks how the guests' lives - and our society - have changed since they took part in a similar series six years ago. Birdsong, ABC1, 8.30pm Well played, aunty. After last week's Downton Abbey finale, fans are desperate for something - anything - with stately homes and petticoats. What an opportunity to get us away from Channel Seven and back where we belong, plonked in front of the ABC on a Sunday night with a glass of red wine.

Not that Birdsong is much like Downton. Both feature lavish costumes and romance, and are set during World War I. But, tonally, they are very different beasts. Where Downton skips merrily over the war, Birdsong lingers on its horrors and tedium.Downton zings with vaguely anachronistic one-liners, while Birdsong's lovers brood and barely speak. The action unfolds slowly and the protagonists, Englishman Stephen Wraysford (Eddie Redmayne) and his married French lover Isabelle Azaire (Clemence Poesy), are often hard to like. This is a subtle and complex adaptation of Sebastian Faulks's novel but, as the story crawls through Wraysford's dull, appalling life in the trenches, it is hard not to long for a lighter moment of Downton froth. LOUISE SCHWARTZKOFF