As a lifelong Star Wars fan, I couldn’t believe my luck when I scored a ticket to the premiere of The Last Jedi here in Los Angeles. I signed a non-disclosure agreement, but I feel like I need to get the word out about TLJ ASAP. The film looks gorgeous; the opening action scene blows The Force Awakens outta the water; and Leia’s storyline is truly touching. But, Rian Johnson…why was there so much male nudity?

It is a question that nobody at the premiere could, or would, answer. I asked several people, including the ever-charming Daisy Ridley, why the film featured so many penises, for so long. But nobody knew, or, if they knew — as Daisy certainly did — they refused to tell me. I had heard that Johnson would be taking the franchise in a new direction. I had not heard that “new direction” meant long, steady shots of Kylo Ren’s enormous penis. I don’t think anyone has heard, which is why I’m writing this review.

Let me provide an example. Leia is, shockingly, killed within the first few minutes of the film, assassinated by a First Order sniper acting on instructions from Kylo Ren. After he hears it was a success, Kylo breaks down, weeping, realizing that he has erased his own family. It is a powerful moment. But, it’s impossible to focus on the emotions, because the camera is literally focused on Kylo Ren’s long, flopping penis. With every heartfelt sob, his penis bounces & bobs all around the frame. Kylo is nude because he is taking the first of many showers; more than half the film takes place in various showers!

He turns off the water, and you think the scene is going to end, but Supreme Leader Snoke enters and disrobes. Kylo is having doubts & regrets; Snoke wants his pupil to embrace the dark path he’s on. Driver again provides an intense, genuine performance, but again his penis is the focus of the scene. He paces, jumps around, does seemingly everything he can to animate his penis, while Snoke’s disfigured member stays stock-still. The scene just goes on & on; more & more male characters come into the shower, disrobe, and join the debate. Captain Phasma also comes in, but she keeps her full suit of armor on, surrounded by the nude men of the First Order.

This, too, was confusing. Why don’t any of the female characters take their showers naked? When Rose confesses her (non-romantic) admiration for Finn, they’re taking a (non-romantic) shower together, but she’s wearing her Resistance uniform the entire time. Breakout newcomer Kelly Marie Tran delivers a peppy performance in heavy, sopping-wet clothes, never acknowledging the strangeness of taking a shower while fully dressed. Is it sexist to have them keep their clothes on, or is it sexist to insist that they also be naked? I don’t know. The film never asks itself this question.

Once our heroes & villains get to Canto Bight, all pretense of science fiction is dropped. We never see a starship again. Chewbacca takes a brief shower with some porgs, but his appearance seemed almost contractually obligated. It’s quite clear that Rian Johnson likes human male nudity, and has no interest in Wookiee penises. Boba Fett makes an appearance, which was a huge surprise, but it was profoundly strange. As Rey & Luke enter the casino, Boba Fett is there, wearing his trademark helmet, but also a tuxedo? He is playing blackjack, which shouldn’t even exist in this universe, and eating an enormous plate of wings. Luke says “Hello, Boba Fett,” and Boba waves back, before saying “I’m gonna go take a shower.” It was at that point that I realized Rian Johnson hasn’t actually seen an entire Star Wars film.

The final 76 minutes (!!!) take place in an enormous hotel shower in Canto Bight. The characters stop using their character names, and we get bizarre dialogue like “Adam Driver, could you please pass me the body wash, so I can correctly clean my uncircumcised penis?” I won’t spoil who says it, because I can’t, because it was delivered by an unnamed actor who only enters the film during this excruciating last shower sequence. I’m not certain he knew he was acting in a movie. I got the impression that he was simply a fellow shower enthusiast who knows Rian Johnson, and showed up on the right day.

Overall, I cannot recommend that anyone go see this movie, unless you, like director Rian Johnson, are extremely interested in casual male nudity. Frankly, I’m not sure it even counts as a movie. I did like it better than Rogue One.