February 19

19 years since Event

Tomorrow, Kayne turns nineteen. I’m not usually one to mark birthdays – I honestly can’t remember off the top of my head how old I even am – but this is a big one. My little boy is a man; soon after this birthday, he’s going to work. I’ve already got the connections he’ll need. I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m high enough.

I thought I’d feel excited. This is what I’ve been working towards since pretty much the day he was born. I should be happy that we’re finally going to be one step closer to controlling the criminal world.

But I’m not.

Today, I watched Kayne at the punching bag. He was so focused. His movements so sharp and calculated. He was everything I’ve taught him to be. At first, I felt proud, but then…Then I felt anguish.

I’ve made him into me. He’s a killer already, even if he’s never drawn blood. Where is Gio in him? I can see Gio in his face, but where is he in what makes up Kayne?

The answer is that he isn’t there. With all my training, all my preparation, I didn’t leave room for gentleness or creativity. I wish…

I wish the world was different. I wish that the world didn’t crush joy and erase gentleness. I molded Kayne into someone who can live in the world we have; I can’t waste my energy longing for what might have been. As much as I love Giovanni, he proved just by dying that he wasn’t cut out for this world. I made our son into a man who will survive – fuck, even thrive.

Maybe, one day, the Giovanni’s of the world will have a place again.

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