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The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection [ edit ]

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happen to have scribbled down this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, scratched his non-existent nose and taken a bath.

Rules for new entries [ edit ]

1: Learn to spell. This is the Emperor's Sacred To-Do List, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate five year old.

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, especially dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-Warhammer stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, because having five entries, all asking for the same thing is stupid. Have you read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, bad jokes are not. Before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh. If you don't have friends, tell it to your pet. If your pet is an iguana and therefore cannot talk, talk to the voices in your head and try to make them laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and blamming, as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread", will be shot, dragged out behind the barnyard, beaten severely, run over with a Baneblade, then shot again.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the God-Emperor would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Don't edit these rules.

9: Don't add more rules.

The Holy List (in no particular order) [ edit ]

"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."

The thing is that the Emperor of Mankind would be really pissed off upon returning his consciousness to his body and finding out what happened to his Imperium during his 10,000-year-long absence/slumber upon the Golden Throne. In his absence, the idiots running the Imperium have become even more corrupt, the Imperial Truth has been forgotten by everyone, some retards have got everyone worshipping me, some maniacs are so fucked up they are just killing anyone useful, and the general state of affairs is through and through GRIMDARK. This list describes the immediate "improvements" the Emperor of Mankind would install, steps towards a more noblebright galaxy. The list has also seen some additions made by the Adeptus Custodes and the Commissars of the Imperial Guard.





Gathering Storm Special List [ edit ]

Holy shit, Games Workshop are actually doing some plot development for 40k. Okay, I'll make a special list just for anything that happens there.

Get Ynnead to wake up fully so I have someone new to bitch-slap, but let him screw over Slaanesh first if I haven't already done it, as my time is to important to waste. Besides, the Eldar created Slaanesh, so let's give them a chance to sort it out. Actually make a deal with him, resurrect me or people I like if I need it (or can't be bothered to do it myself) and I won't bitchslap you. So Roboute Guilliman and some dude named Belisarius Cawl are creating some Neo-Space Marines. Okay, I'll see what they come up with, then make something even better. And definitely think of a better name than Primaris Marines. And tell Cawl to stop naming things after himself. And while I'm at it, make a super version of the Custodes, and give them even more bling. The Imperium has been cut in half by a massive warp storm. Okay, now I'm really pissed off. I am so going to close this. And the Eye of Terror has gotten bigger and enveloped Cadia. This both pisses me off and makes several points on the main list harder. So now Armageddon has been assaulted by a fuckton of Khorne daemons. I do hope the Orks and daemons kill each other, because it will be a pain in the ass for me to sort out. So Imotekh the Stormlord's empire just got a whole lot bigger, huh. Well at least the Tau has something new to fight. And the rest of them better not try anything with me, or I'll bitchslap them to death. And they won't be reanimating from that. Xenos are taking a back seat, and the focus is on the Imperium vs Chaos. Okay, I'm cool with that. Chaos really pisses me off. But I'm still gonna fuck over any xeno that pisses me off. Now that stats go above 10, I'm going to make a gun with Strength that's over 9000. My dick's Strength is over 9000. Just sayin. Set the Damocles Gulf back of fire. That was fucking awesome. Bitchslap the Tau's Fifth Sphere Expansion. I don't like those blue skinned motherfuckers. If possible, team up with the Farsight Enclaves to bitch slap the rest of the Tau. Four new Hive Fleets has appeared. But one of them is eating the others. Okay, see who wins, then stomp the survivors to death. Wait, is there really a chance the Sanguinius will return. Well if he does I'll make him tell me where he's been and what's he been up to for the past 10,000 years, on pain of bitchslapping. Same goes for any of the Primarchs that return. So Nurgle thinks he can take Ultramar for himself. Not cool. I'll going to punch the shit off him, the beat the crap out of him. Tzeentch is messing things up as well. I wonder, should I beat him intellectually or physically. Maybe punch him in the face then steal his books? He is a massive fucking nerd after all. How did Khorne attack Terra. He attacked my pad. As soon as I can, I'm going to find him, outrage him, then kick him in the balls so hard they explode. Also steal his throne. Then have the throne converted into golden skull decor for shits and giggles. Tell the AdMech that it time to start using some innovation. And reveal what secrets they've been keeping.

Make the watchers in the dark imperial citizens and other loyal xenos loyal to the imperium I know I sanction there xeno race more than 10,000 years ago and there still keeping up a good fight

Give the surviveing men of iron a pardon produce them in limited quantities along with ai to help organize the imperium and help are navy limit there intelligence of the ai allso give the men of iorn to the navy so we don,t use more survitors or poor indentured people from serving on navy ships instead make the especially the latter, crew men and build more ships so we can solve a man power crisis will only convert people to survitors that actually deserve it.

Instead of legion thing I’ll just do a bragged of five to ten chapters each because supreme smurf does have a point and call the task forces