Feminism in Dating: It’s not about making the first move, but having the choice

Our data shows that women who consider themselves feminist aren’t any more likely to want to pursue someone they’re interested in

Dating has always been about more than just dating — it’s a reflection of the larger cultural and political climate. So it’s no shock that today, potential dates’ views on politics and feminism are increasingly important to singles. More and more daters have begun to self-identify as feminists — and want their dates to do the same. But this then presents many with an internal conflict when their political beliefs as self-identified feminists seem to clash with their preferences as far as their dating lives. It seems the struggle is: can you still be a feminist while having somewhat traditional views on courtship?

It’s not just singles having this conversation. From politics to Hollywood, everyone is talking about, and reevaluating, genders roles and expectations, especially when it comes to dating. So we thought we’d look at the numbers.

Over half of all men and women on OkCupid consider themselves feminist, at least to some extent.

First, we asked OkCupid daters “Do you consider yourself a feminist?” The question has garnered nearly 1.5 million responses, with over 75% of women and nearly 60% of men replying “yes” or “to some extent.”* It doesn’t surprise us that most OkCupid users consider themselves feminist (woo!). But there is an outdated idea that all self-identified feminists feel and act the same way and that part of being a feminist means wanting to throw all traditional gender roles, including those that apply to dating, out the window. Is this actually true? Our data shows that it’s not, and that instead, most women who are bonafide feminists are still very open to being pursued — as long as they have choice.

To find this data, we looked at how users responded to the question “Do you consider yourself a feminist?” and then compared it to how those same users responded to “Do you prefer to pursue a potential partner, or for them to pursue you?” where the answer options were “I’d rather pursue,” “I’d rather be pursued,” and “I prefer a little of both.” The results showed that fewer than 1% of all straight women, whether feminist or not, prefer to do the pursuing — and in fact (by a small margin) straight women who responded “yes” to identifying as feminist are actually less likely to want to exclusively be the pursuant than those who responded “no” or “to an extent.”

Most women prefer a little bit of both when it comes to who pursues in a relationship.

Why might this be? Well first of all, being feminist doesn’t mandate that you reject all traditional gender roles. “There’s no one definition of feminist,” says Cleo Stiller, Sr. Health Reporter and Host of Sex.Right.Now on FUSION. Feminism means different things to different people, which might explain why a Vox poll from 2015 found that, while 85% of those surveyed believed in “equality for women,” only 18% considered themselves feminist. “Fortunately, I do think there’s been a recent change of attitude and shift away from the idea that feminism is a dirty [word],” Stiller says.

But here’s the real takeaway: just because the majority of women on OkCupid consider themselves feminists, it doesn’t mean that most want to do the pursuing when it comes to dating — at least not all the time. Our numbers show that feminists also prefer a little bit of both. Of those users who consider themselves feminist, straight men who responded “yes” are the most likely to want a little of both (over 80%) while straight women who responded “to some extent” are the least likely of the group — but the majority of straight feminist women still do, at 54%.

Of course, our data also shows that women making the first move can be a good thing: women who send the first message are 2.5 times more likely to get a response than men who do the same. But on OkCupid, we know that our users don’t always want to have to make the first move — because they’ve told us, and so we respect that. As Stiller says, “You’re absolutely allowed to be one way with you career or other areas of your life, and another with your romantic life.”