I watched the most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas yesterday and to be honest, I was completely pissed by the time it ended. This one (entitled “Black and Blues”) wrapped up with a Gothic State Fair party thrown at Heidi Dillon’s house and it had all the promise of a cat-fight in a Walmart parking lot. Instead, people got uncomfortable and went home.

Wait a minute? Isn’t this the Real Housewives we’re talking about? Isn’t “getting uncomfortable” THE POINT?

Now, I am not a fan of confrontation. I even get embarrassed when I have to send food back at a restaurant because they put tomatoes on everything when I expressly asked them not to. Like, I said it TWICE and even told them that I called tomatoes “larvae” because I hate them so much but they still dumped tomatoes on my food. Anyhow, I enjoy watching a good Real Housewives battle because I’d never have the balls to say those things. This is precisely WHY The Real Housewives of Dallas has low ratings, and I’m blaming Bravo.

Yes, Bravo is responsible for choosing the cast and though I know this town is FILLED with ballsy bitches, they chose 2 in particular who are decidedly castrated.

Let’s start with Stephanie Hollman and let me be clear that I adore this woman. She is so sweet and gorgeous, I could watch her bat those pretty eyelash extensions all day long. She is quick to support her perpetually drunk and gassy buddy, Brandi Redmond, but the second LeeAnne Locken got her claws out, Stephanie backed down. She even teared up, which is exactly what I would do. I don’t want to see myself on The Real Housewives of Dallas though! I want to see a peri menopausal monster who will cut a bitch for disrespecting her. Sorry Steph, I still love you though.

Cary Deuber is an even bigger disappointment because at first, she SEEMED like she’d be a good nemesis. Cary smiled and egged Brandi on when she first started poking LeeAnne, but the second the focus landed on her, Cary got uncomfortable and went home. Again, ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME???

Sorry Cary but, despite what the RHOD producers told you, you can’t spend the whole series talking about your tight ass and perky boobies. Also, please stop telling us about all the sex you’re having with your husband. Even you seem a little grossed out when you bring it up. The #1 reason Cary was brought on the show was probably to address the Did They Cheat rumors circling she and husband number 3. Don’t expect to walk out the door anytime that comes up Cary, because it will continuously.

I should be honest and admit that LeeAnne Locken is a friend of mine. This confounds my other friends, who ask, “Is she really so MEAN?” LeeAnne Locken isn’t mean. She’s just trying to salvage the show.

I think LeeAnne recognizes what Cary and Stephanie do not. If The Real Housewives of Dallas doesn’t automatically have tension, then tension must be created. You have to give your audience something to watch or they will move on and find a show that DOES. Unfortunately, that’s what many Real Housewives fans have already done, since RHOD ratings are at a franchise low. There’s even talk of CANCELLATION so what needs to be done? Well, everyone needs to put on their big-girl-britches, sharpen their claws, and get ready to throw down. Fight the good fight ladies and don’t worry about looking ugly or MEAN. Do it for those of us who are too chicken to do it ourselves, because that’s why we’re watching.

But what if it’s too late? There are only a few episodes left and no promise of a Season 2. What if there is no chance for the Real Housewives of Dallas to fix things by messing them up?

Well, if that’s the case I propose a new series called The Real HouseBOYS of Dallas starring Steve Kemble. Steve could invite all of his friends over for weeklong Sunday Fundays at Heidi Effin Dillon’s house. Oh, we’d still include our RHOD girls, of course. LeeAnne could drop by to pick fights and Stephanie and Brandi could dance in each other’s farts. Tiffany and Aaron could style each other’s hair and we’d even let Cary Deuber show up, but only if she promised not to talk about doing it with her husband (EWWWW). There would be drama galore and daily fights, and I feel certain that NO ONE would ever back down from a corn-dog-demonstration. Yeah, the more I think about it, The Real HouseBOYS of Dallas definitely needs to happen!

