Deranged Couple Has Baby On Purpose

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Married couple Dave and Sarah Dyer allegedly conceived and birthed a newborn child on purpose within the last year, subsequently horrifying their long-time group of friends, disturbed sources confirm.

“I am in absolute shock. This is so unlike them,” said Randall Chadwell, Dave’s childhood friend and best man at his wedding last year. “First, they get rid of the six-foot bong I got Dave as a graduation present… and now they’re having a kid? I was fine with them getting married because there was an open bar at the reception, but I just don’t know about this — something is up with them. Something about that baby is making them act all different, and I don’t like it.”

The intentional birthing of a child apparently isn’t their only unsettling, unorthodox behavior as of late, according to Amanda Simpson, a long-time friend of the couple.

“It’s not just the baby that’s worrying me — they’ve been doing all kinds of weird shit,” said Simpson. “Last weekend, Sarah and I went out for drinks and she insisted on taking an Uber instead of letting me drive, even though I only had like, six beers. And what the fuck is a 401K? I think they might owe somebody a lot of money.”

Though the couple has stood firm in their assertions that the child was conceived intentionally, that hasn’t prevented Simpson and others from offering their assistance in dealing with what they perceive to be an accidental addition to their family.

“At first when Amanda offered to help me ‘get rid of it,’ I thought she was being a supportive friend,” said Sarah. “But now that my son is six months old, frankly, it’s inappropriate. They just really can’t wrap their heads around the fact that we want to move on from doing the same shit over and over. In a way, I guess it’s nice that they care, right?”

At press time, the Dyers’ friends and family have staged an intervention, pleading with the new parents to stop sharing so many pictures of the infant on social media.