Saparmarat Niayzov was the very first president of independent Turkmenistan after the Soviet Union came apart. He ruled the country for the first 16 years of its existence until his death in 2006. He was a despot and a kleptocrat, as many of the leaders of those emerging nations were, but Niayzov leavened his thievery with a strong dose of pure self-aggrandizing crazy, even for a west Asian dictator.

He banished dogs, smoking, algebra, the Internet, ballet, opera, and lip-synching, all by official decree. He also loved giving himself titles—Leader of All Turkmen was a favorite—as well as naming and renaming things. These latter included the months of the year, the days of the week, and a meteorite. He also supposedly had a copy of one of his books flown into orbit and jettisoned into space. So anyway, that was that guy, and he was funny, and we all had a big laugh about it, right?

Yeah, well, who's laughing at the Leader of All Turkmen now? From CNBC:

According to a document published by the office of the Federal Register, the 45th president of the United States proclaimed Jan. 20, 2017 — Trump's Inauguration Day — to be a National Day of Patriotic Devotion. Trump made the proclamation "in order to strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country — and to renew the duties of Government to the people." "A new national pride stirs the American soul and inspires the American heart. We are one people, united by a common destiny and a shared purpose," the proclamation said.

It's only a matter of time before we celebrate our independence every year on the Fourth of Ivanka. Watch it happen.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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