PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, employees typically display their most innovative thinking while brainstorming over-the-top quitting scenarios. “We found that professional creativity reaches its highest level when workers envision how theatrically they would dress down their supervisor before they storm out of the company for good,” said the report’s lead author, Kaitlin Parker, noting that research subjects generated the greatest number of original ideas when they were conceptualizing the precise wording, tone of voice, and gesticulations they would use in various resignation scenarios. “Whether the imagined act of quitting involves loudly confronting a manager in front of the entire office, walking out right before a major deadline and saying ‘It’s your problem now, buddy,’ or standing up in the middle of an investor meeting and cursing out each person in the room one by one, the exhaustive brainstorming of these scenes represents the most inventive thinking that occurs in the workplace.” Parker added that this level of innovation was rivaled only by workers’ contemplation of what they’d love to do to their nearby colleague who’s apparently incapable of breathing silently like a normal goddamn person.

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