CLEMSON, SC—Sources have confirmed that following a review of the latest academic progress reports, Clemson athletics director Dan Radakovich tore into an unnamed member of the Tigers football team yesterday for not putting education first. “Look, son, you are a student-athlete here, and the student comes first,” Radakovich told the 310-pound man, adding that he doesn’t give a damn how much money the football team brings in each year. “When our boosters fund your scholarship, they expect to see you show up every Tuesday and Thursday for lecture and take advantage of all this university has to offer, got it? You think we care about our number of wins, some rivalry game, or our school’s profile? No. We care about your education.” Radakovich reportedly concluded by informing the player that everyone will be pulling for him this weekend as he studies for Monday’s midterm.

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