ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A systems engineer at South Betoota Polytechnical College is in need of a new cafe to go to today after the barista at his usual haunt started calling him by his first name.

“I haven’t got time or the inclination to make any new friends,” said Colin Rawlins, 34.

“So the bloke at the Weeping Shingle Blister Cafe, that one just off campus down O’Donoghue street, he’s started greeting me each morning by saying, ‘Hey Col! Just the usual today, mate?’ I know he’s trying to be nice but I haven’t got the sufficient social skills to ask for something different should I want it,”

The wooden space robot paused and swallowed deeply.

“Like some mornings, I feel like a cappuccino with banana bread. Only if I’ve had a bad morning. Most of the time I get a short black and that’s it. When he didn’t really want to be my friend, he’d ask me what I wanted, which was great. No eye contact, no asking about my life, just a transaction between two strangers.”

This has created a dilemma for Colin.

He says respects himself too much to drink instant coffee and that the nearest coffee place is miles away, so he’s hatched a plan this afternoon.

Colin blew a breath and blew it defeatedly through his loose lips.

“Would it be weird if I started wearing a disguise? Like if I died my hair black and grew a moustache” he asked our reporter.

Our reporter nodded and told him not to do that.

“What if I started faking a Southern accent? Like if I sounded like Forrest Gump or handsy Kevin Spacey in House of Cards?”

Our reporter said that was also a very, very bad idea and that type of behaviour would only alienate him further from society.

Colin sighed heavily and said he was all out of ideas.

More to come.