Trump_Vegas.JPG

Clete Wetli hosts "All That's Left" on WVNN 92.5 FM Saturdays 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Email Clete at decaturclete@gmail.com or visit cletewetli.com.

Imagine the hushed and excited conversation in the gilded Trump situation room, as the Donald's part-time speechwriters were rousted from near-fatal hibernation to actually write a speech that would highlight huge foreign policy issues like terrorism and illegal immigration.

Although it had been some time since their services were required due to Trump's preternatural flair for unscripted verbal eloquence, the team threw down their copies of Mein Kampf and Mussolini's autobiography, dusted off their keyboards, and began crafting a masterpiece oratorical-salad that would surely be known throughout history as a game-changer.

"Alright," said Bob, "We've got to include some stuff that sounds like real substance and make sure that people forget that Trump was for the war before he was against it. I mean, who's going to dig up old Howard Stern interviews? Same thing with Bush planning that troop withdrawal... wait a minute, I got to take this call. I've got to make my last loan payment to Trump University before they garnish my wages or they keep me from taking my final... keep working, guys... anyone seen my credit card?"

"Okey-dokey", replied Neal, "We need to put in some language about working with NATO to stop terrorism, better coordinated intelligence, seizing money from terrorists, lots of bombing, and let's say the rest will be secret so we don't tip off our enemies!"

"I thought we hated NATO, but I guess that was so last week", Skip mused, "But, we can throw it in there. Besides, aren't we already doing all this stuff? We need to think of something new that those lefties would never even consider. Hmmm."

So, they thought and thought while Bob finished up his on-line final exam for Trump U, when suddenly Neal cried, "Bob, hurry up with that test, we got real work to do here. Wait! That's it! We'll stop these terrorists from coming to America by giving them a super hard test. If they fail, then they can't come in. Like, we can ask them tricky questions like, 'Are you a terrorist?', 'Does the middle name Hussein make you a secret Muslim?', 'Are the Bears going to the Super Bowl?', or 'Do you know anyone named Sharia?'".

"That's brilliant. That's so... so extreme, dude!" said Skip.

They agreed that no self-respecting terrorist would ever expect anything so bold as "extreme vetting" using a test, maybe it could even be multiple choice mixed with "true-false."

They also decided that it would be a great idea to mention partnering with Russia before it did something crazy like annex Crimea or bomb civilians in Syria, especially since Paul Manafort kept making all those late night phone calls to the Ukraine mumbling stuff about shell companies. Who knew so much money could be made with shells? Yeah, that would be a great way to reset the campaign and show that Trump could negotiate with anyone, even tough guys like Vladamir Putin.

So, they worked into the night to make sure that the speech didn't have any flowery poetry because tough times definitely called for tough talk and no one knows tough like a candidate who enjoys firing people. Also, they agreed that the U.S. really should have taken all that Mideast oil, so they added that part, too. That Geneva Convention could be renegotiated to put America first, right?

Well, they even called Trump campaign historian and legendary fact-checker, Katrina Pierson, to make sure they got their facts straight and Melania gave it a look over to avoid plagiarism.

Forget the "shining city on a hill" when "extreme, extreme vetting" is what a real winner would say.