How would you like to spend an evening with the Clintons? No?? You'd rather have a hot-sauce enema?? Huh! Bill and Hill are hitting the road to prove their irrelevancy on a 13-stop tour, and the bakers dozen dates cover just enough time and real estate to bore audiences to tears as they deliver their own political eulogies.

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The Clintons have always been Obama jelly beans, and I'm sure they're seething with envy over Michelle Obama's wildly successful "Becoming" book and tour, so they're trying to bottle a little of her magic lightning.

They might as well fart in a jar, because the whole thing is a putrid and empty exercise in lying as they'll gloss over Hillary's embarrassing 2016 loss when she blew the presidency at first and goal with two timeouts left, and they'll try to pretend his presidency was a progressive master class.

What does this tour tell you? 1) The Clinton Foundation gravy train is over and no one donates money because there are no more favors to sell, and 2) They are so desperate for some of the 2020 heat but they've clearly been frozen out of the party.

No one is talking about her running, no one cares if she runs, and no one thinks she'll win. His once-beloved star is now a warped and tarnished thrift relic, and her power-hungry entitlement dolled up as imaginary feminism has no place on a stage crowded with five women who are more policy capable and politically adept.

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Sure they're trotting out their odd squad friends like Paul Begala and obviously have a series of nude, groping Ben Stiller pics so he's on board for one of the dates, other than that the whole silly enterprise is an illustration of what they've become: passe, Trump-hating dinosaurs selling a dubious facade no one wants to buy to a party that can't wait for them to be gone for good.