CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the evidence “simply does not add up,” experts at Harvard Divinity School told reporters Monday that they were unable to comprehend why someone as rich as Justin Bieber even needs to believe in God anymore. “According to our research, there’s no possible explanation as to what a divine deity could even offer that would appeal to a multimillionaire like Justin Bieber,” said Dr. Frederick Tanner, who noted that the pop star has continued to proclaim his faith in God over the years despite the fact that every album he’s ever released has easily shot straight to the top of the charts. “Look, we’re researchers. We make next to nothing. God could help us, so it makes sense that we believe in God. But this guy is 25 years old and lives in a huge mansion. He performs sold-out shows before thousands of screaming fans every night. Frankly, it’s foolish to believe in an interventionist God when you already have everything you could want.” At press time, Tanner had dropped to his knees and declared that Justin Bieber was God.

Advertisement