EARLIER this week, English batsman Kevin Pietersen delivered what was widely misconstrued as an ironic sledge against the city of Brisbane when he said "No one has heard of Brisbane outside Oz!"

In fact, Pietersen wasn't sledging. He is not clever enough to do that.

Pietersen was telling the truth. He was playing a straight bat. Despite having played two previous Test matches in Brisbane, even he has never heard of the city.

This is a common affliction. No one in the world has actually heard of Brisbane, and the only reason the G-20 summit is scheduled for the city in 2014 is that they actually voted for Lisbon, Portugal, but someone heard it wrong.

So where exactly is this mythical place and what are its charms?

For those who are completely unaware of the appeals of the Queensland capital - which as mentioned is everyone in the world except the 17 or so people who actually live there - here are 10 really excellent things you shouldn't miss.

The beaches

Sand, schmand. Anyone can do that. But only Brisbane can do beaches lined with the exquisitely fine silt which flowed down that grand watery (and imaginatively-named) thoroughfare, the Brisbane River. This whole city is basically a giant outdoors health spa.

The Kulcha

Brisbane has the Ekka, the Gabba and Mt Coot-tha, plus plenty of other places and things that end in "a". For the record, one of the chief attractions of the Ekka, and here we quote, is that you can "see animals up close".

And that's just the locals. The Ekka also has prize livestock on display.

The pubs

Brisbane pubs are increasingly hip and cater for a discerning clientele who understand the difference between food which is crumbed and food which is battered. Both red and white wines are said to be available in some establishments these days - and are occasionally even served in glasses.

The excellent civic leaders

From Joh Bjelke-Petersen to Campbell Newman, some of the nation's greatest humanitarians have presided over Australia's second largest state from the seat of power in Brisbane.

The scenery

From the flatlands around to the airport to the red-roofs of the freeway to the Gold Coast, this city provides sublime vistas like no other.

Logan

It rhymes with bogan, but that's actually just a coincidence because in Queensland bogans are called "bevans". In general, Brisbane people love making words up for stuff. Their term for intelligent people is "Sydneysiders" while their word for pretentious types is "Melburnians".

The trains to nowhere

Brisbane has public transport infrastructure to die for. In fact, it's so long between trains that many people have died waiting for the next service to Yeerongpilly or Indooroopilly or some other forlorn suburb that ends with "pilly" - a suffix which is said to translate from local indigenous languages as "massive, incurable existential despair".

The weather

Brisbane is stinking hot and unbearably humid in summer, which is just how the locals like it because they don't know any better. In winter, the city is delightfully mild and generally dry but locals complain endlessly about the cold because they've never been anywhere else and don't know what real cold is.

Taxi drivers with long socks

Nothing screams 21st century metropolis like the apparel of the Brisbane cabbie. The only weird thing is why hipsters haven't copied it yet.

The hope that one day the German Beer Hall at Expo 88 will be returned

Everyone knows that the best thing that ever happened in Brisbane was Expo 88. Further to that, everyone knows that the best thing to happen at Expo 88 was the German Beer Hall. It is a sign of Brisbane's supreme confidence that its city leaders have seen fit to introduce nothing fun and interesting to entice visitors for a good 25 years now.

And why have they shunned all tourism infrastructure? Because one day, when Brisbane is good and ready, the German Beer Hall will be brought back (and will likely be staffed by public servants sacked by Campbell Newman).

You see, the beauty of Brisbane is that it is far too self-assured to try to make people like it. And the fact no one has ever heard of it is proof how wonderful the city really is. Or so I'm told. I'd never heard of the place either until Kevin Pietersen's tweet.