US declares war on US as top killer of Americans revealed to be ‘Americans’

After discovering that more Americans are shot and killed by Americans than any other nation on earth, the US government announced a new plan to declare ‘War on the US’.

As another shooting claimed 58 lives in Las Vegas this week, US authorities have insisted they can no longer simply stand by and watch more Americans killed by bloodthirsty Americans.

As a US spokesperson explained, “Every year the number of Americans shot and killed by Americans is nearly four times those killed in the September 11th atrocities – but where is our war on these so-called ‘Americans’?

“We got Bin Laden eventually, but the real threat was here on our shores all along.

“We will stop at nothing until the number of Americans shot and killed by Americans is zero, even if we have to kill every American to do it.”

US war on US

The logistics of a US invasion of the US have left a number of military experts confused, but most agree on the first steps.

As one retired general explained, “The first step in any military incursion is to limit access to firearms and ammunition, but it seems we’ve got what people are calling a ‘constitutional issue’ with that one.

“How do you fight a force that keeps pointing at a two-hundred year-old document as justification to keep reloading?”

A spokesperson for National Rifle Association claimed a military response was not needed, telling reporters, “You’re looking at this all wrong, American citizens are simply the number one when it comes to killing American citizens!

“Go USA!”