(A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

Me: “With your car keys?”

Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

(I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

(My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*