True to their aging, crippled form, Planned Parenthood has left me speechless. Not because they’re too offensive, but because they’re too embarrassing for words. They’ve given me 347 ways to mock them, all at once, and I’m left feeling like a hyperactive kid in a candy store.

I speak, of course, of a California Planned Parenthood’s awkward attempt at setting up 40 Days of prayer for abortion.

And it truly is an Attempt. These old folks have no idea what prayer is, much less abortion. As evidence, I give you one of their ‘prayers’ — “Today we pray for a cloud of gentleness to surround every abortion facility. May everyone feel calm and loving.”

Sweet guys, keep calling on your cloud of gentleness. Don’t mind us, we’ll just be in Church, doing the whole “Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God! For Thou hast smitten all my enemies on the cheek; Thou hast shattered the teeth of the wicked” thing. It’s in the Bible. You know, that old, patriarchal book with the “Thou shall not kill” line you pretend to like? And the “Thou shalt refer to the invasive procedure of infant-killing as “loving women” and thus sleep well at night?” Oh wait,

But seriously, a good sign that a man is praying to a being other than God is this: His prayers will be boring. For our God — though I often wish it were otherwise — is anything but boring. Not only did he create the duck-billed platypus, appear as a pillar of fire and send his only Son to be crucified for our sake — he is also in the odd habit of making his followers levitate, bilocate, and otherwise be brought up into ecstasy. Thus, reading over the prayers (made by FaithAloud) for this pathetic imitation of 40 Days For Life, I am lead to wonder — Who the hell are you praying to?

“Day 14: Today we pray for Christians everywhere to embrace the loving model of Jesus in the way he refused to shame women.”

Right. Because Jesus, being the incarnation of Goodness itself, would never let a woman know her actions were shameful.

“Day 30: Today we pray for women to throw away their secrets and claim their histories with power and truth.”

Are you just putting words together you think people will like? Does this have any meaning outside of your super-hip-we’re-not-old-we’re-just-elderly circle? Also, can I try to translate? I can? Thanks. (“Day 30: Today we pray for women to tell everyone things they previously didn’t want to and also to admit that things happened in the past, loudly.” Or: “Day 30: Today we pray for women to throw away their diaries and get back to their history homework, enthusiastically.” Or: “Like us, like us, please like us, we use positive words, badly.”)

I could go on, but I’ll let you have some fun. It makes sense that Planned Parenthood’s ‘prayers’ would have all the power of an old man coughing on you. The Clergy For Choice who set this up look fairly decrepit.

It’s obvious enough that they’re not praying to God. It’s far too boring even to be Satanic, although I’m sure the bastard is proud. No, there is only one conclusion: Planned Parenthood are praying to themselves. 40 Days of Self-Affirmation. 40 Days of slogans confirming their very best opinions of themselves. 40 Days of Acute Narcissism, snobbishly disguised as prayer.