Hey kids, you want to do crimes? You want to have fancy times with all that Ukranian cash you got lying around? You like rolling up on that Target and purchasing household items with wire transfers? Take some advice from Paul Manafort, better known by his stage name Collusion de Vil, on how to sink hundreds of thousands of dollars into clothing that will definitely throw government watchdogs off your trail and could potentially be rented out for any Martin Scorsese movie.

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Collusion de Vil's trial continued today as a parade of humiliations in which his extravagant spending habits and questionable record-keeping remained the main point of contention. It was like the first time you hire someone to do your taxes and they're ask, "is there some sort of... medical reason you're spending thousands of dollars at Chipotle every year?" And you're like, "cancel taxes; this is oppression. No more questions at this time."

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Manafort prosecution evidence includes not just $15,000 ostrich jacket, but also a $9,500 ostrich vest and an $18,500 python jacket, per Alan Couture invoices, reports @kpolantz. 🐍 pic.twitter.com/O5xobVvQ8o — Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) August 2, 2018

The prosecution trotted out witness after witness who had sold Manafort some bougie nonsense and I cannot get enough. All trials should also double as high-key embarrassing fashion shows. It's like if Queer Eye was just Tan rummaging through your closet shouting invective at you. Rush it into production immediately. All we need at the trial is a panel of judges giving scores after each testimony and this thing will be a hit.

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Fashion Court: Judgement Day is now in session and they're going to throw the book at him, honey! The objective was to provide evidence that Manafort wired money from overseas accounts funded by his work with the Ukraine and used that money to purchase extravagant goods. The fraud is the crime; every thing else is just a good time. They brought in one of Manafort's neighbors! Ain't no shade like that Nextdoor.com message board shade. They dragged the manager of a high end Manhattan clothing store up on the witness stand like a plot line out of a Legally Blonde sequel. They even brought in controller of the "world's most expensive men's store" from Beverly Hills, who said Collusion de Vil was “a very good customer.”

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All of them testified to the same basic premise: Paul Manafort shops like the Little Mermaid with an AMEX Black Card. (Let us never forget that Ariel was a known kleptomaniac; sis was troubled. This is just canon.)

President Whinesalot Poutstoomuch III had a lot to say about the thing, tweeting multiple times yesterday morning.

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Looking back on history, who was treated worse, Alfonse Capone, legendary mob boss, killer and “Public Enemy Number One,” or Paul Manafort, political operative & Reagan/Dole darling, now serving solitary confinement - although convicted of nothing? Where is the Russian Collusion? — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 1, 2018

A few notes: first of all, it's spelled Alphonse, so perhaps you should phix your life.

Second of all, if I'm reading this correctly, the President willingly invoked a mobster (and that mobster's good treatment question mark) as a way of defending his former campaign manager, who used wire transfers to pay for things like a character in The Firm. Is he "All Mobsters Matter"-ing this thing? Novel.

Anyway, one of the highlights of the trial was the introduction of various purchases into evidence. They should be televising this with a red carpet commentary, tbh. Joan Rivers would come back from the dead to spit on some of these garments. It's not that the clothes are necessarily bad, per se. It's just that, well, we've all seen Paul Manafort. For some of these lewks, he just doesn't have the range (but he'll gladly wire it to ya!).

Let's investigate:

Lewk #1: Ostrich of the Imagination

AP

The infamous $15,000 ostrich skin jacket! To be honest, it looks like it belongs to a shady dude Lady Bird briefly falls for while studying abroad in the sequel, Lady Bird 2: Flyin' the Coop. Every coat in this jacket has cigarettes in it.

Lewk #2: Snake It Off

AP

Who did they kill to make this monstrosity? Nagini? Manafort gets on the TayTay train a little too late with this snake gear. Doesn't he know that snakes are so last season. TSwift is doing Cats now. Look for Paul in a furry cowl come winter.

Lewk #3: Indigo Directly to Jail

A Members Only jacket with the skin of Cookie Monster as a lining! The range! Where is it? It is missing!

Lewk #4: Zoot Suit Riot

AP

My thoughts:

The Image Direct

And that's that on that.

Lewk #5: Herringbone Of Contention

AP

Look at this day-to-night transition lewk! The outside says "Mild-mannered, no-crime doing professor out for a stroll on a brisk fall day." But the PAISLEY FANTASIA lining says "Give me two glasses of Pinot Grigio and I will tell you everything. I own an island where you can hunt humans. Just saying. Just saying."

Lewk #6: Prince to Pauper

AP

Collusion de Vil lives for a pastel! What a surprise. Again, I don't think "Prince Rogers Nelson At a Corporate Retirement Party" lewk is really in his wheelhouse. But good try! Give it up for Perwinkle Prisonbound Paul!

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R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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