If you suffer from (BPD), the of real or perceived abandonment is one of the symptoms that can cause unbearable mental suffering. Perceived abandonment means that you imagine that a loved one is going to leave you even when they have no intention of doing so. This fear typically arises because people with BPD often think poorly of themselves. You might experience self-loathing or feel toxic to the world. In the depths of such despair it can be hard to imagine that anyone would willingly want to be with you or love you. In those moments you forget that there is greatness and within you, that you truly are just as essential to the universe as everyone else is. In future blog posts I'll explore this idea further but for now I am going to show you what you can do to overcome this fear.

When you start to experience the fear of abandonment, a desperation can begin to arise, and you might become frantic and do everything in your power to prevent losing the one you love. From a perspective, this fear is one of the symptoms of BPD that throws your mind into a future that has not yet happened. The problem with living in that future fear is that you will miss the wonderful parts of the relationship that are happening in the present moment. This is because your mind has already jumped ahead to the “what if” of tomorrow. When the experience of this fear makes it feel real, as if the abandonment has already happened, your mind will come up with many ways to deal with the situation. In clinical practice we typically see one of two behaviors:

1) The first way is that you might push the other person away before he or she leaves you. You might avoid the person altogether or treat them poorly by devaluing them. This then gives you a reason to leave them.

2) The second way is that you might start to cling to the other person by calling or texting them incessantly, begging them not to leave, begging for reassurance that they will never do so.

In the context of perceived abandonment, the person on the receiving end of such behavior will be very confused if they had not intention of leaving you in the first place. And yet the very behavior of pushing away, devaluing or clinging can make the person begin to think of doing just that! It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And because the behaviors are often ones that cross your values, they can lead to feelings of , shame and .

If the person is truly going to leave you and there is no chance for reconciliation, you still want to retain your self-respect. It is a painful experience to be left, however acting in ways that cross your values will further damage your sense of self.

HOW CAN MINDFULNESS HELP?

Because the fear of abandonment can quickly spiral into thoughts, painful emotions and destructive behaviors, you can use mindfulness to slow your mind down. For many people with BPD, the capacity to notice the early signs of this spiral is the place to begin. As you build your mindfulness muscle through daily practice, you will increasingly notice the fear of abandonment as it arises rather than when you are deep in a spiral of self-destructiveness and emotional torment. Fear can be a fast-moving emotion that calls for action. When the fear of abandonment, is unwarranted, meaning that there’s no evidence that the person is actually going to leave you, noticing the fear and not reacting is key.

THE MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

In our book Mindfulness for Borderline , my colleague Dr. Gillian Galen and I describe the following practice: Slow Down and Think SNAIL

The following acronym will guide you through the practice of slowing down when you notice fears of abandonment arising:

S ituate: When you start to recognize the fear arising, find a place to be that’s away from other distractions; for instance, go for a walk or go to a quiet place in your house.

ituate: When you start to recognize the fear arising, find a place to be that’s away from other distractions; for instance, go for a walk or go to a quiet place in your house. N otice: Once you are still, notice the thoughts that arise. "The other person is going to leave me". Notice the emotions that arise."I am afraid and sad."

otice: Once you are still, notice the thoughts that arise. "The other person is going to leave me". Notice the emotions that arise."I am afraid and sad." A ctions: Notice the urge to act on your fear. Breathe and do not act on this urge. If it’s helpful, don’t get up until you notice the urge diminish. Consider turning off your cell phone and not using your computer for a few hours if these are ways that you tend to seek reassurance or to behave in ways that you will later regret.

ctions: Notice the urge to act on your fear. Breathe and do not act on this urge. If it’s helpful, don’t get up until you notice the urge diminish. Consider turning off your cell phone and not using your computer for a few hours if these are ways that you tend to seek reassurance or to behave in ways that you will later regret. I dentify: Identify the specific thoughts or emotions that are causing you to suffer. Don't avoid these. Identifying the emotions will give you power over them in the long run.

dentify: Identify the specific thoughts or emotions that are causing you to suffer. Don't avoid these. Identifying the emotions will give you power over them in the long run. Label: As they arise, label your thoughts as thoughts and emotions as emotions. Label what you know are the facts (he hasn’t called me in an hour) as facts, and label what are assumptions and conclusions (therefore he is going to leave me) as assumptions and conclusions. Remember to do your best to stick to the facts even when your mind begins to produce many and painful assumptions.

Using this mindfulness practice will not only slow you down and separate the facts from assumptions, but also likely prevent you from acting in ways that will push the other person away from you. It will also allow you to retain your own dignity and self-respect. The more you practice this, as with other mindfulness practices, the better you will get at doing this. This is not easy, but it will be rewarding. Stay with the practice as you resolve in 2016 to not allow BPD to control your life.