Survivor: Island of the Idols has arrived! Every week, Parade.com’s Mike Bloom will bring you interviews with the castaway most recently voted off of the island.

Though he hails from the smallest state, Aaron Meredith left a huge support system back home as he flew to Fiji. “I don’t know if the rest of my tribemates have as much at stake,” he admitted to me in the preseason. “The reasons why I’m playing are pretty damn good reasons to do the things I need to do to win.” And those reasons shrouded Aaron like a pair of colorful socks as he dashed through the game. After an early surprise and a slow rise to power, the weight of the game came crashing down on the gym owner, as he saw his torch snuffed during a split Tribal Council.

Aaron began the game looking for, as he told me, the “Jordan to his Jordan.” He thought he found a good teammate in Ronnie Bardah, only for him to get benched in the first vote of the season. Instead of a Jordan, he ended up finding a Byrd. Aaron’s relationship with Missy allowed him to move up from the bottom into a powerful position, as they made the move to clip their ally Chelsea Walker right before the swap. On a new beach and staring at a possible deadlock, Aaron started making preventative measures, eager to flip to prevent a deadlock. Even when Elaine Stott earned an advantage for their group, he continued to play both sides. Though a booted Jason Linden warned the others about his duplicity, a series of tribal and individual immunity wins prevented anyone from heeding the attorney’s testimony. Aaron had gained steady momentum until a surprise twist separated him from his closest allies and without safety. Though nervous about his position, he was confident that outsider Janet Carbin would get picked off. But his alliance saw him more threatening as a physical player and chose to stop his ball before he could keep it rolling to the Final Three.

Now out of the game, Aaron talks with Parade over email about what happened during his final afternoon in the game, his various thoughts on the former Lairos, and his comments discrediting Janet during last week’s episode.

Your final Tribal Council seemed to be focusing a lot around Janet and her position as an outsider in the group. Did you get a sense you would be going instead of her before the votes came in?

I was fairly confident in my alliance, and that was to my detriment. I spent 26 days playing aggressively, continuously running different voting scenarios through my head, always questioning others’ motives, and regularly feeling on edge. This was the one time other than Ronnie’s boot that I felt a level of confidence. Had I been more in the moment, I could have picked up on some social cues, specifically from Noura, that I was in trouble. She told me in a roundabout way that I should maybe not feel comfortable that the consensus vote was Janet. With that said, I did not think it would be me.

Your boot came in a very unique scenario. You’re not only voting in a group of six, but you also were sent back to strategize on your own that afternoon at Lairo. What was that afternoon like from your perspective?

At the tribe swap, when I dropped the orange buff to exchange it for a purple, I had an overwhelming feeling of euphoria come over me. I honestly never wanted to see that beach again. So, when Jeff explained not only would we be isolated from the other five, we would also be heading straight to Lairo for the evening, my heart sank. The general vibe in the majority alliance I thought I was a part of (Myself, Missy, Elizabeth, Elaine, Dean, Tommy, Lauren, Dan) was that Janet and Karishma were on the chopping block. When we got back to the old Lairo camp, Janet wanted to take Lauren and Dan on a tour as they had not played on that camp for the entirety of the game. All I wanted to do was talk strategy. This should have been the first red flag for me. Normally after a challenge and before Tribal, the tension in the air is palpable. But this was different. At the time, I didn’t see it; but it was clear as day.

I did make an effort to pull each person aside individually to ask them their thoughts on the vote, and each person undoubtedly said it was Janet. Lauren was visibly concerned, not in what was going on at our camp, but was concerned about the safety of Tommy in the game. I reassured her there was no way Karishma was escaping that vote, as the three original Lairo women would unanimously take her out. Boy, was I wrong there. The rest of the time was spent keeping an eye on Janet to ensure she didn’t find an idol and watching Noura violate the flint during her questionable attempt to make a fire.

In your final words, you alluded to how you felt you were delaying the inevitable by winning immunities. Why did you feel so adamantly you had to win challenges early on?

I had spent the entirety of my time on original Lairo deflecting challenge roles away, so I never landed in the spotlight. I wanted to minimize my challenge threat level as much as possible. When I got to Vokai, I wanted to do the same thing. However, Jason sniffed right through that immediately and insisted I do the puzzle portion of the Applebee’s challenge. He also acknowledged me not stepping up on original Lairo in challenges. From that point forward on new Vokai, I was concerned if I tried too hard to avoid the spotlight in challenges, I would be called out. Hats off to Jason for that subtle move.

Fast forward to the merge. I had told myself, if I made the merge, I absolutely can’t win the first couple challenges and to rely purely on my social capital I’ve accumulated. The merge is like a brutal heavyweight slugfest with names flying all over the place. I was told immediately by Dean that myself, Missy, and Elizabeth were the first three to fall. Tommy confirmed the same, letting me know he’s not going to be able to flip along with Lauren and Dan, as they were going to go back to original Vokai. Even Jamal gave me the heads up that the three of us were in danger, specifically Missy.

So day one at the merge, myself, Missy, and Elizabeth all felt shook as several people confirmed we would be the first three to fall. In my head, I was still considering not winning the first challenge (assuming it was winnable) knowing full well if I did, I would put an enormous target on my head. For some time leading up to the first challenge, I was reassured by Tommy that Kellee was the target and by Jamal that it was not going to be me. All was well until Noura told me I should probably win if I wanted to stay right before heading out for the challenge. The rest is history. Thanks, Noura. (Laughs.)

You immediately became a juror, where you were witness to a fiery Tribal Council from the other group, where your close ally Missy ultimately left. What did you make of what you observed, particularly Missy and Karishma’s feelings of each other and the aftermath of her blindside?

This dynamic is pretty complex. Day 1 on original Lairo myself, Missy, and Ronnie all connected with Karishma. As the game progressed, Karishma’s name repeatedly came up, and we repeatedly worked to keep her from being voted out. At times we would tell her that we are going attack her at Tribal, so we could make the people we are really voting for feel safe. Unfortunately, there came a point where Karishma couldn’t tell if those attacks were personal or game-related, understandably so.

So, on the one hand, you have Missy, who is clearly coming at Karishma. In her head, this is par for the course and necessary to pull the wool over Tommy’s eyes. And on the other hand, you have Karishma, who is absolutely fed up with Missy. All this I’ve seen before, so I thought it was all an act, and Tommy was going home via Missy, Elizabeth, and Karishma. I was shocked the way the votes landed, but not surprised Missy wasn’t ready to leave Tribal. She had flipped a switch the second we hit the beach, and all she saw were three seats at the end, one with her name on it. So, to be voted out, she acted the way I imagined she would act if she ever got the boot…in utter disbelief.

Speaking of Missy, it’s clear you two were very close from the days of old Lairo. Talk to me about your relationship.

Missy is that third younger sister I never wanted, but so incredibly thankful I have. Right out the gate, I knew she had attended a military academy based on the bag she had in pregame. I myself attended a military academy and knew we could bond over that immediately. I played football and baseball at the academy and she played basketball. She felt like family immediately. We decided right away it was best that she and I try not to be seen strategizing too long together. So we formed bonds elsewhere, her with Elizabeth, and me with Ronnie. After the Ronnie blindside, Missy was the only person I could vent to knowing she wouldn’t take it personally and would hear me out (“Stop crying, bro”). From that point forward, we voted together on every vote for the rest of our time in the game. As the game progressed, our relationship grew stronger.

Did you have the intention of going to the end together?

We often openly discussed how it was neither of our intention to sit next to the other in the end, and at some point, the time would come to dispose of the other knowing full well we would have a strong voice and advocate on the jury. I appreciated the hell out of that honesty. So, it was highly unlikely we would be sitting next to each other in the end.

The very first vote of the game, you’re blindsided and lose your closest ally in Ronnie. How much did that shift the way you approached the game both strategically and socially?

The great Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face.” On Day 3, the tribe delivered a solid one-two combo concluding with an uppercut to my jaw. This was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Not losing Ronnie, but being blindsided. From that point forward, I realized I needed to accumulate more social capital. I formed a sub-alliance with Dean, Chelsea, Missy, and Elizabeth. I grew very close with Tom as we shared stories of our kids–granted his kids are closer in age to me than I am to him. I spent hours talking with Karishma about life outside the game. I really focused on opening up to these people and allowing myself to become vulnerable and showing real emotion.

I began to look two or three votes down the road to understand the ramifications if one person got voted out what that would do to the dynamic and how it would shift the power in the group. All the while staying in the moment. You see my turnaround, going from the bottom of the bottom to “Wait…this guy is still in the game?” I worked daily to ensure my social stock was paying dividends to my tribemates.

You attempted to take a shot at Dean in the premerge, yet he seemed to be the one working to keep you this episode. What was your dynamic like?

I took big shots at both Dean and Elaine and missed. Side note, I feel somewhat justified in doing so as they both outlasted me. Dean is a difficult read. It was tough to pick up on his emotion. We had this five-person alliance, and then he and I had this “bro” alliance. But I never felt a real connection with him. I observed his interactions with the rest of the tribe and realized quickly he was playing a very laid back and chill game. He hadn’t proven himself in challenges and no longer offered me protection in the form of a shield. That is why I took a shot at him. It had absolutely nothing to do with a perceived “showmance,” which was never real. My shot at him came from a place of respect. “I acknowledge your under the radar game and well done by you for pulling it off. But I have to vote you out as it serves me nothing in my game.”

When it came time at merge to come back together, I was unsure if Tom or Karishma told him I was gunning for him on Chelsea’s vote out. I assumed that was not the case because Dean was the first person to tell me I was in trouble. He made it clear he was a free agent, but if the numbers worked out, he would come back to original Lairo. Additionally, he shared something very critical in the storyline of how merge played out. He confirmed he played an idol to save himself, but also gave me information that Jamal played an idol he found on Noura. This may not seem like a big deal, but he also informed me that their plan as a tribe was not to tell anyone that Jamal played an idol on Noura. Why they decided that was smart, I have no clue, but I knew that bit of info would be very valuable in creating a crack. I took that info and brought it to Tommy, who, at the time, did not have any knowledge of Jamal’s idol being played. This contributed to Tommy and Lauren losing trust in their old Vokai alliance as they kept them in the dark about that idol.

What about Elaine? You and Ronnie tried to put the target on her from the get-go, but you ended up working together on New Vokai.

Onto my most favorite cast member, Elaine. Not solidifying this relationship was my biggest mistake in the game. She wanted a Ricky Bobby; I could have been that Ricky Bobby. Instead of taking time getting to know people out of the gate, I was playing so tight and scared. I never took the time to open up to Elaine and was extremely intimidated by her likeability with the rest of the tribe; it put me on edge. Going to Tribal three days into the game was terrible, and unfortunately, I made a mistake targeting Elaine initially. We spoke about it, and I owned up to her. However, I felt she didn’t fully accept and kept me at a distance.

Fast forward to the Chelsea vote out. I didn’t feel comfortable that the five-person alliance we had was solid and I knew Elaine and Tom would be very loyal. In order to build trust with them, I blew up that five-person alliance and looked to replace Chelsea and Dean with Elaine and Tom. Ultimately that saved my ass at the tribe swap. Elaine could have very easily taken me out when we swapped 4-4. However, her Block a Vote advantage essentially saved me, and I was forever grateful. I truly feel that exposing the five-person alliance to her established enough trust for her to want to work with me at the swap. After the Block a Vote, I was going to ride with Elaine longer than she probably would have ridden with me. I did so much damage with that relationship trying to get her out Day 3, backdoor her at the swap, etc. There was no way I could have ever rebuilt that trust bridge with her. I needed her more than anyone in the game, and I understand that now.

Let’s talk about the showdown that happened at new Vokai. How much were you debating flipping to the former Vokais, even when Elaine told you she had the Block a Vote?

Oh, that was a fun one! Knowing I had solidified trust with Elaine, and understanding her loyalty, I knew I could work an angle with Vokai that she wasn’t going to attempt. Immediately I knew there was no way I was drawing rocks 14 days into the game. Not a chance in hell. I wanted to explore all options. Had I taken time to analyze the dynamics of the tribe, I really feel like if we put pressure on Lauren, we could have played on her emotion to ensure she didn’t want to go to rocks. Rather, I impulsively jumped at the opportunity to throw Elaine’s name out there.

If she didn’t get an advantage, there was a 99% chance I was going to flip with Vokai along with Missy and Elizabeth. That absolutely changed when she went to the Island of the Idols and returned with a kill shot. At that point, my only concern was that Vokai would expose my treasonous actions and blow everything up. So, I continued to reassure them I was with them, simultaneously they had concocted a plan to blindside me. Everyone was playing everyone; that’s Survivor at its finest. In the end, I knew with the Block a Vote, I was staying loyal with Lairo. My confessionals were partly done to stay in character and also knowing that would make good TV. (Laughs.) I had 100% made my mind up once I found out she had the advantage; there was no chance I was going to take her out at that point.

I want to get into the events from last week’s merge, starting with Dan’s inappropriate touching of the female castaways. What did you know about the situation involving Dan’s behaviors up to that point?

At no time in my life or in the game of Survivor have I ever condoned inappropriate behavior, or support those who do. I would never silence women who speak up against abuse or any other form of assault. I have dedicated the last three years of my life to empowering women. I strive to be a male figure who can show women compassion by listening to them and helping them grow and become the absolute best version of themselves. These are not just words; these are my actions that fuel my passion for what I do in every single day of my life.

My life is dedicated to making a real impact and change in women’s lives. The two gyms I own are women’s only studios. We have created a safe place where women can come focus on their lives and make themselves a top priority in their own lives. A safe place where they don’t feel judged and experience only uplifting support and compassion. Our mission statement starts with “Passionately dedicated to helping women become the best, most powerful version of themselves…” This is who I am.

This situation is an absolute mess in every way imaginable. I will share what I experienced from my perspective only. I met Dan on Day 12. From Day 12 to the merge, I had never been made aware of any issues involving him from early on in the game with original Vokai. I never heard any chatter from new Vokai that anyone felt uncomfortable with his actions. I’m not saying this didn’t happen; I want to be clear. I’m saying I had no knowledge of any issues with Dan’s behavior. Dan vocalized to me on several occasions that the only way he would flip with the four of us (Elaine, Missy, Elizabeth, and myself) was if Kellee and Janet agreed as they were his core alliance. This was understood.

So what happened at the merge?

Fast forward to the merge day. Right out of the gate, I was told by several people myself, Missy, and Elizabeth would be the first targets as directed by Janet and Kellee. We were told that Janet’s job was to woo Elizabeth and make her feel comfortable as they were both swimmers, and Kellee was going to do the same with Missy. Tommy confirmed all of this with me and apologized because Kellee and Janet told him they would not flip to work with us, meaning we were going to be voted out per Janet and Kellee’s direction. I relayed this information to Missy and Elizabeth of what Janet and Kellee’s plans were.

The three of us had our backs against the wall, and we all started to scramble. I filled Tommy in on Jamal’s misplayed idol, and shortly after, Tommy came back to me and told me he and Lauren were flipping, and the vote was now going to be Kellee. Not that I cared for justification at that point, as my fate was in his hands, but he explained that he could no longer trust her. He also explained that he didn’t want to be told what to do and who to vote for and felt he didn’t have a voice amongst them. I believed him, and that was all the information I needed to make my first vote at Tribal Council Kellee, assuming she didn’t win immunity.

Did the meeting you had with production play into the day’s events at all?

Our “production talk” came about 10 minutes before our Immunity Challenge. My experience in that talk was this: “Aaron, we want you to know if you don’t feel comfortable or safe, please know we are here for you. We want everyone to feel safe out here.” Very out of the blue. I thought to myself, “Is this standard? Do they do this every season?” I have no clue. Just a very vague blanket statement telling me if I ever felt unsafe, I should let production know. Roger that guys, now can I go focus on winning immunity? There was never any indication that something was going on or that someone had issues. It just seemed like a standard halftime meeting.

Kellee was the only name I ever got, and I was confident that at Tribal Council that after I had won immunity, Elizabeth or Missy were going to catch votes. Jamal relayed to me that other plans were potentially in the works, but that is the extent I was filled in. At that Tribal Council, I was super comfortable and still riding a high from winning the Immunity Challenge, knowing no matter what, I was safe–what a crazy feeling to have at Tribal. The votes came in, and I was shocked Dan had caught five votes. In my mind, this meant Vokai had self-destructed. Here they have the numbers, up 7-6, and not only does Kellee go home, but Dan catches votes from who I could only assume were Kellee, Janet, Jamal, Karishma, and Noura. To me, this was exactly what old Lairo needed. Still, at this point, I had no knowledge of inappropriate behavior.

What was the post-Tribal experience with Janet, Dan, Elizabeth, and Missy like from your end?

Not going to get into the details, but the post-Tribal reaction from Janet was heated. When I had been blindsided, I only confronted Missy with how hurt I was. Janet let the whole camp know how she felt. There was an exchange directed at me from Janet, again, which is between the both of us. At this time, it seemed like just a standard post-Tribal blindside meltdown from my perspective.

She pulled Elizabeth, Missy, and Elaine aside, and they had a heated conversation. Knowing what I know now, I assume I know what they were talking about. At that time, I had no idea what it was in regard to. It wasn’t until I joined Elizabeth, Missy, and Dan on the beach where I heard them reassuring Dan that he had done nothing wrong with them. I thought to myself, “What the hell did I miss?” Obviously, wondering what was going on, I spoke with Elizabeth and Missy and wanted to get some insight. Kellee and Janet were coming for them (which I had been informed), and they did what they needed to do to ensure Kellee went home and not them. I thought, “Okay, so we are still playing Survivor here? Got it.” I asked them if they were cool with Dan, and I got the same response you saw Dan getting in that episode.

The next day Janet approached me–the first time we had a conversation that wasn’t heated–and told me that both Missy and Elizabeth came crying back to her that they made a mistake and apologized. Obviously, this was beyond confusing at the time. I brought this information to Missy and Elizabeth, which I again was reassured that was a lie and they did not go crying to Janet. So my two interactions in the entire game with Janet up to this point were: 1. A heated conversation about me personally and 2. Her telling me a lie. Still, up to this point, I never heard of anything related to Kellee. Everything had to do with my limited interactions with Janet, someone I perceived to be responding poorly to a blindside.

So walk me through the comments you made at Tribal Council about her, and your thoughts on Jamal’s response at the moment.

Let’s fast forward to Tribal Council. I’m completely in the dark that there was an issue between Dan and Kellee. Janet has just lost it based on being blindsided, and I’ve been reassured my alliance was playing the game. I never connected the “production talk” with anything going on in the game. So I decide to speak up on what I saw going on in the game of Survivor coming from a purely game-related standpoint.

Jamal comments in response, and I immediately have a moment of internal shock. I remember thinking, “There must be more going on that I clearly have no idea about.” Immediate regret sets in because I was talking about the game of Survivor, but Jamal was talking about a very real issue. I 100% agreed with everything Jamal said, and rather than saying something somewhat redeeming, I responded with the nonsense about “having a sister and a mom.” Ignorance is an understatement. That is not how I wanted to accept his statement and pivot that we must be coming from two different places, as I am clearly in game mode where he and others, Janet included, were not and had stopped the game.

Now that you’ve seen the greater perspective on the events of the merge, how do you feel about the situation and your reaction to it at that time?

I feel I addressed this above. However, I will conclude with this. I can’t express enough how broken I am that my words and actions displayed at Tribal hurt many who watched. I did not have all the facts, and rather than just taking a step back to observe what was going on, I spoke on what I thought was the game being played. Obviously, watching this play out and seeing the other side of what was going on, I felt sick to my stomach.

It was impossible for all sides to have all the facts without production stepping in to stop the game. I had the info I had and reacted the way I did with the info I had. I’m in no way proud of how I conducted myself at Tribal, and my reactions came from an emotionally charged game point of view. If I could do it all over based on the information I have now, it’s safe to say I would have approached tribal much differently. I’m aware of mistakes made on my part and take responsibility for my actions at Tribal. I hope people can understand.