PHOTO: EXPRESS

PHOTO: EXPRESS

The run-up to Pakistan’s upcoming general elections next year have taken an interesting turn, as election campaigns of Pakistan’s leading political parties have been leaked. Read the proposed pathways of PML-N, PTI, PPP and others to their possible victories and pick your winner.Politics is temporary but Biryani is forever. We survived the past five years and so did you, let’s survive five more together. No more Panama, only nara pajama.We promise to make more roads and import fancy buses to make it seem like the country is progressing. Look at all our metro buses; we are the most metrosexual party ever. Load-shedding will be over by 2019 promise, pinky promise.No JIT can bring us down. Unless it is more than two hours, then Hussain Nawaz gets tired.Just don’t look at all these flats we are buying around the world – those are just in case papa decides democracy time is over and we all need to stop pretending. Load-shedding will be over by 2020 promise, pinky promise. Maryam Nawaz > Hamza Shahbaz.Promise everything and deliver nothing. Load-shedding will be over by 2021 promise, pinky promise.When you’re with us, you’re family. Do your corruption. Do your murders. Do your terrorism. As long as nobody reports about anything, we won’t care. Just continue voting for us. As long as we have Punjab, we have nothing to worry about.Remember when Shahbaz said he would drag Asif Ali Zardari through the streets? You have to give us five more years if you want to see that happen – we are saving that for the DVD special. Maryam Nawaz’s twitter > Imran Khan’s twitterLoad-shedding will be over by 2099 promise, pinky promise.Imran Khan is neither Asif Ali Zardari nor Nawaz Sharif. Wait, what? You need more reasons to vote for us? Well, do we need to stand for anything when we can simply stand against everything?The only tabdeeli that comes is the one in our political positions.We have figured out what you don’t want. We have no idea what you want or how to even give it to you but, we agree with you that we don’t want what you don’t want as well so, we are on the same page then. All we know is that tabdeeli is coming; we have no idea what will happen when it is here.Nobody cares if our party has the same guys as all the other parties just look at how beautiful Imran Khan is and he is single again. Nobody was going to vote for a 64-year-old married man.Are you an electable? JOIN PTI! We can deal with your criminal records; corruption and complete lack of principles later, just get elected for now.We will fight corruption because Imran Khan isn’t corrupt. Such logic, much wow.We will fight terrorism because Imran Khan isn’t a terrorist.We will fight India because Imran Khan isn’t an Indian.So, basically just forget all policy and agenda items and just look at Imran Khan. Do you like what you see? Vote for us then! You don’t even need to know our names, just vote for the bat.Also, the best jalsas. By far.Don’t trust Javed Hashmi when he says the plan is to get two-three people killed. Trust us, we cannot win an election by just getting two-three people killed, more like 20-30 maybe.Also Twitter trolls. So, so, so, many Twitter trolls. Facebook ka Prime Minister is a legit position ok.Have you all forgotten the period of 2008 to 2013? Great! Then we are back again. Let’s pretend Asif Ali Zardari was never the president.You know how sometimes you have a headache but then you get cancer for a few years and you forget that you ever had a headache because cancer hurts so much now? Well, the headache is back and after cancer, it doesn’t seem that bad.Also look at how shiny Bilawal Bhutto is. He even speaks Urdu now – or what he thinks is Urdu. In the next update, we will also try to make him speak Sindhi.Want to know what he stands for and what his policies are? He is Benazir’s son and Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto’s grandson. Want to know what PPP will do once the party comes into power? Have we told you who Bilawal’s mother and grandfather are?What are going to be our major campaign ideas? What? Do you want me to draw the Bhutto family tree for you? Also, we have the best political song. Admit it – you want to dance to it on your mehndi also. And of course, the most holidays because we have the most shaheeds.Make Pakistan great again. Go back to the days when we got 10% of everything.Also Zinda hay Bilawal – wait it was a secret Zardari strategy that was not supposed to be leaked.We exist. No promise we are still a political reality. Remember the days we complained that we had our backs against the wall? Well now that we are giving Anarkali Company inside the wall that doesn’t seem that bad.BUT…hey look at how we were victimised, if nothing else, have some sympathy and give us your cell phones, I mean votes. I swear, we meant votes.Why are you even looking for campaign ideas? When have we ever had any? Just look at what your identity is and vote for it. If you don’t, we will send our karkun and they will vote on your behalf.Also, don’t forget to take your CNICs back from us the day after elections. We can’t keep them forever – or maybe we can till, at least, the next Skype call from London.We go from the wall to your Facebook wall. You know you want to share that cute Altaf Hussain video. The only thing more popular than puppies on social media are Altaf Bhai’s pappis – ek pappi idhar, ek pappi udhar.When you can buy the milk, why buy the Buffalo?Look, we are PTI’s ally so we can’t be that bad right? And we are Islamic so if you are Muslim, you must vote for us.We at least have an agenda. We oppose capitalism, communism, liberalism, socialism, secularism and Miley Cyrus. Mainly, Miley Cyrus – she has been used by the West as a wrecking ball against Pakistan. So what if Maududi opposed Jinnah and Pakistan. Pakistan exists now and we want some of that cake too now that it has been made.Also, free ice cream for all the women (bought by their mehrams for them).And no uncovered lollypops. Ever. Everyone except us is a kafir.What is our agenda? Depends – how much are you willing to pay?Say no to Petrol. Only Diesel.This article is a work of satire.