Heaven—

Following the spread of coronavirus across the world, The Halfway Post reached out to our monodeity God Yahweh to see if He had any comments to make regarding the spread of the once-in-a-century-level pandemic.

The following is a transcript of our conversation, lightly edited for clarity:

THP: “So God, I guess let’s address the elephant in the globe first, and we were wondering what’s going on with the whole coronavirus pandemic?”

GOD: “To be totally honest, I kind of dropped the ball on that one. But in My defense, the COVID-19 virus germs are very, very small. It’s hard enough to pay attention to you sapien monkeys because you’re all little ants to Me. Coronavirus is so small that ants have no idea it’s there.”

THP: “Aren’t you omnipotent? Can’t you just snap the coronavirus out of existence?”

GOD: “Hehe, about that… Look, I know you apes really look up to Me and everything, but the truth is that I’m really not that powerful. I can’t just will things in and out of existence. I guess I should just come clean about all of this… the Big Bang was an accident. One night I got really hammered, and was huffing a bunch of different elements, and, well… it just kind of happened. I blacked out and woke up to this massive universe expanding wildly in every direction. I love that so many of you give Me credit for it, but I couldn’t recreate it even if I wanted. I feel so bad because the Creationists are hardcore into praising Me for designing everything. It’s just evolution. Survival of the fittest. Which is way better than anything I could design. I used to sketch out a bunch of different mythical creatures for fun when I was a younger deity, and I’m not being humble when I say that you do not want to live on a planet with anything I ever designed. Imagine a giant human penis… I drew a lot of creatures that look just like that. Not much variety compared to what genetic drift has made possible.”

THP: “So you are powerless to stop coronavirus, despite all the prayers from Mike Pence?”

GOD: “Unfortunately I am only omniscient. I see everything, but I can’t intervene. So I can’t stop coronavirus. Sorry, Mike. Let Me tell you… you do not want that guy to ever be President. He has a journal where he wrote out all his legislative goals for if he ever became President, and they’re something else. He wants to make a law where every woman has to get a tattoo tally mark on their wrists every time they have sex so men everywhere can see how whorish they are. He also wants to ban any type of sex position where the girl is on top because he thinks it’s sinful for the girl to be in control of any aspect of sexual intercourse. Also, he somehow got the idea that I’d be offended because any sperm that gets ejaculated would have to fight against gravity to impregnate the girl. I don’t give a shit. I want to clear that up right now that I literally don’t care about babies at all. Again, I didn’t design any aspect of the universe. I don’t care what happens to your kids, they’re your kids! Fuck ’em! Oh, hey, I gotta go. Ted Cruz is about to start jerking off to some squirrel porn and accidentally text the website link to a bunch of journalists. I love Ted Cruz. I don’t have to be omnipotent for that guy to embarrass himself, he does it all himself! Ha! He just got his feet stuck in his pants trying to get naked and fell down the stairs! I love that guy. I don’t control any of this!”

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