MATTYDALE, N.Y. – On her way to bed, Valerie Sikora called upstairs to her son.

“I love you,” she said

“Love you, too,” he yelled back

Hours later, as his mom and dad slept in their Mattydale home, their son texted his parents. It was a suicide note.

His father, Timothy Sikora, woke up at 4:30 a.m. He checked his phone and found his son’s final words. He rushed to the room.

Carson Sikora, 15, had taken his own life.

The text – sent at 1:48 a.m. Dec. 10 – started with two innocuous words: “hey, mom.” He told his parents he’d been weighing suicide for months. He explained that if it weren’t for the love of his parents, he would’ve taken his life much sooner.

The note was his goodbye.

The Sikora family pose for a selfie during a family vacation. From left are Austin Sikora, Carson Sikora, Timothy Sikora and and Valerie Sikora. Courtesy the Sikora family

Parents look to help another family

Carson was declared dead at St. Joseph’s Hospital Health Center, the same Syracuse hospital where he was born.

His suicide shocked his family and friends, leaving his loved ones bereft. Again and again, they return to one question: What forces made Carson – a goofy, smart, helpful kid – take his own life?

Carson was the second Cicero-North Syracuse High School student to die by suicide this year, a number of parents have said. The district sent a note to parents after Carson’s death saying two students had recently died and the district was offering suicide prevention education. Officially, district officials would not confirm that the deaths were suicides.

Teen suicides are on the rise in the United States, according to a study published this summer in the Journal of the American Medical Association. In 2017, the rates of suicides among teens 15 to 19 years old was 11.8 out of every 100,000 boys and 5.4 out of every 100,000 girls.

Onondaga County sheriff’s detectives investigated Carson’s death, checking his computer and iPad. They haven’t found answers, Carson’s mom said.

Valerie and Timothy Sikora sat down for an interview with Syracuse.com | The Post-Standard in their Mattydale home. They said they decided to talk about Carson and his death with the hope that his story will help another teen or family.

The photo on the left -- courtesy of the Sikora family -- shows a goofy, toddler Carson striking a pose. The photo at the left -- from the archives of Syracuse.com | The Post-Standard -- shows Carson in preschool.

Carson, a sophomore at Cicero-North Syracuse High School, was his parents’ second son, three years younger than Austin Sikora.

He grew up with a second family: the Mattydale Fire Department. His father dedicated 30 years to the department, serving as fire chief in 1999 and 2000.

And when he turned 13, Carson joined the Mattydale Junior Fire Department – following in his dad and brother’s footsteps. He was recently elected by his peers as chief of the junior firefighters, set to start in January.

Given a chance, Carson would’ve eaten pizza at every meal, his mom said. He had a strong appreciation for half-moon cookies, she said, and would bake batches following his grandmother’s recipe. And he loved to make his family and friends laugh.

In the days before his death, Carson acted like himself, his parents said. He devoured Disney+ shows, collected bottles for a fundraiser with his other junior firefighters and played computer games with his friends. He seemed to still be making plans.

Now, the Sikoras are sifting through the past, trying to figure out what made Carson give up his future.

This page from a family scrapbook shows the many faces of Carson Sikora, who loved to make his family and friends laugh. Samantha House | shouse@syracuse.comSamantha House | shouse@syracuse

‘I’m depressed’

Carson walked to his bus stop Nov. 25, but he didn’t get on the bus and came home.

His mom was in the kitchen when he sent her a text from the living room. In the text, Carson said he was depressed.

The past few months had not been easy: Valerie’s dad -- Carson’s grandfather – died in July and had just been buried at Arlington National Cemetery, she said.

She walked into the living room to talk to her son.

I’m depressed, too, Valerie Sikora remembers telling him. But you still need to go to school, she said.

Carson missed six days of school during the first quarter of the school year, which was unusual for him, his mother said. His grades – which had kept him on the honor roll since the third grade – had recently slipped. So his mother said she did not want him to miss another day.

After dropping Carson off at school, his mom said she made an appointment for him to speak with a school counselor after Thanksgiving break. And after Carson met up with his school counselor Dec. 3, his mother called her son’s doctor to make an appointment for him to speak with the office counselor.

Carson’s mom asked her son if he could wait until after the busy holiday season to meet with a counselor. He said he could.

Days later, Carson changed his mind.

Carson walked to the bus stop before school Dec. 9. Again, he quickly returned home. He told his parents he did not want to wait to speak with a counselor, his mom said.

She called her son’s doctor and spoke with a nurse. Since there was a two-month wait to see the office counselor, the nurse encouraged her to make an appointment with Helio Health – a Syracuse clinic that offers walk-in appointments, she said.

“Everyone was asking if he wanted to hurt himself,” Valerie Sikora said. “He said, ‘No, I would never do that.’”

That day, she booked a Dec. 12 appointment at Helio Health for her son.

By the next morning, Carson had taken his own life.

The locker of Carson Sikora, captain of the Mattydale Junior Fire Department, is draped in black and covered in photos at the Mattydale Volunteer Fire Department. Courtesy of the Sikora familyCourtesy of the Sikora family

Can’t stop trying to understand

After waking to their son’s suicide note, the Sikoras called 911.

The Mattydale Fire Department – the department where Tim once served as chief, the department where Carson volunteered – responded. One of the firefighters on the call had held Carson as a baby on the day his parents brought him home from the hospital, his parents said.

Fifteen years later, his parents returned home from the hospital after Carson died. They called the Air National Guard base where their oldest son was in training and told him about his little brother’s death.

Then, Valerie Sikora believes Carson sent her a message.

She was walking down her front steps on the windy, cold afternoon hours after Carson’s death when she spotted a small feather on the ground. The 2-inch, half-black, half-white feather was unmoved by the wind. Valerie plucked the feather from the pavement and carried it inside.

She saw the feather as a sign from her son.

“He’s where he’s supposed to be and he has his angel wings and let me know that he’s OK,” she said, pausing as her voice wavered, “and that we’ll be OK.”

But the Sikoras can’t stop trying to understand it.

Doctors have told the Sikoras that the frontal lobe – the part of the brain tasked with decision making – of teenage boys isn’t fully developed and can lead them to make rash decisions. Is that why Carson chose suicide? they wonder.

Carson had stress in 2019, from his grandfather’s death to his brother leaving for basic training.

The search to understand why a loved one died by suicide often ends without answers, experts explain.

“What prompts a person to take his or her life? No one really knows—experts never get to talk to people who have committed suicide,” according to a post by Harvard Health Publishing, part of the Harvard Medical School. “They can only talk to those who are contemplating suicide or who survive it.”

Calling hours and a remembrance service were held for Carson Sikora in the firetruck bay of the Mattydale Volunteer Fire Department on Sunday, Dec. 15, 2019. Carson had been captain of the Mattydale Junior Fire Department. Courtesy of the Sikora familyCourtesy of the Sikora family

‘Maybe his story will help'

Carson’s calling hours and remembrance ceremony were held in the firetruck bay of the Mattydale Fire Department. About 1,000 people came, Valerie Sikora said.

The Sikoras decided not to hide how their son died.

“In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Mattydale Junior Fire Dept or pick your own suicide prevention group,” the family wrote in Carson’s obituary. “Maybe this will help another soul find peace without death or just be kind and reach out to someone who needs to be heard.”

During Carson’s services, she shared her son’s story with the mourners. Carson’s friends gathered in a corner, sobbing into coats and each other’s shoulders.

Some of the teenagers stood up and shared stories about Carson, a boy they said strived to make everyone laugh. He stood by his friends when they were bullied, one friend said, and helped when they struggled academically.

Two of the kids told Carson’s mom they’d be dead without Carson, who talked them out of dying by suicide, she said.

Valerie Sikora said she decided to share her son’s story for a few reasons. She encourages people to listen to each other, she said, and to be open about how they feel.

“Tell everybody what they mean to you. We’re hearing all these great things Carson did,” she said. “Did he know he had the impact he did?”

She also does not want another child to die by suicide or another parent to experience her pain.

“Maybe,” she said, “his story will help.”

Where to get help

If you or a loved one are feeling suicidal and need help, call:

Contact at (315) 251-0600

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Health and Human Resources Referral Line, call 211

Thanks for visiting Syracuse.com. Quality local journalism has never been more important, and your subscription matters. Not a subscriber yet? Please consider supporting our work.