Joel Frieders | January 3, 2012

I’ve had Doomtree in my earholes for years now. They continue to impress me with their furthering of their chosen genre (scat-jazz), whether it be with clothes that actually fit, lyrics you can actually understand, or checking accounts that actually balance. What’s also fucking nice about Doomtree is that with seventeen rappers on stage at all time, there is never a dull moment. And much like my numerous trips to see the Harlem Globetrotters, I can always count on individual players to wow me, but it’s the teamwork that makes me bring my many many childrens.

Doomtreer Sims is one of the main faucets of hell yes I’ve had the pleasure of watching and listening to mature over the past decade, and while occasionally tepid, he is always an enjoyable source of the potable. If I had to summarize Sims as a rest stop source of protein, he would definitely be an original flavor Cornnut.

He’s as crunchy and salty as anything I’ve ever shoved handfuls of into my mouths.

If you're as into this man sandwich as much as I am, get Sims'd at his twitter handle @SIMSdoomtree and if you are down for some solo tunesies, go to his bandcamp page.

Now that you know where to accost him internetedly, let’s listen in as Sims unveils his sassy side in his first, but contractually not his last, SYFFAL interview.

SIMS INTERVIEW GO:

SYFFAL: Sims, you are commonly referred to as "the annoying one" in Doomtree the rap group (not the snack food). Where do people get out calling you that? And what do you prefer to be commonly referred as? (I'm guessing the sassy one.)

Sims of Doomtree: I'm not sure exactly when that nickname started but I can approximate to the beginning of this interview. To answer the second part of that question, I'm not sure what they get out of it. Maybe it’s for shock value to entice readers to check out a blog with absolutely no credibility or readership. But my honest analysis is that it's because I'm "annoyingly handsome" and "annoyingly charismatic" and certain writers who bring their wives or girlfriends to interview me in person get "annoyed" that they have to listen to Lights Out Paris and do a bit of role playing during their intimate time when they get home from that interview. I can't blame them, I am terribly handsome, almost too handsome… and talented; I guess I just what to be referred to as the humble one.

SYFFAL: Did you just allude to credibility being a benchmark of our website? Fuck you Andy. If and when I choose credibility as a goal of mine I’ll have already drowned myself in artificial cheese spreads. When did you realize that you were never going to white water raft with Burt Reynolds and you were never going to squeal like a piggy?

Sims: After he carelessly signed the Ken doll that I customized to look like him in the MSP airport in '99. He said it looked like Tom Selleck and just fucking scribbled some shit on it while smacking his gum. I spent hours skinning that raccoon, then trimming its hair into the perfect Reynolds mustache. Broke my heart. That was the last time I ever made anything. I just started google image searching things I thought of after that.

SYFFAL: All of what you just said is one of the many reasons why I’m sure we’d be cousins if we ever met in the persons. Is there anything you would say to a 1976 Burt Reynolds if he was oiling up next to you?

Sims: Anyway, more importantly, think of all the activities we would be doing on that day: Picking up chicks on roller-skates (that we wear), singing a duet of Bessie Smith's "Careless Love", shoplifting from CVS, drinking Balentine's, re-shingling my garage roof, who knows…maybe a backyard barbecue? It's like that movie I never saw, Limitless.

SYFFAL: I never saw it either. I hear it’s on the Netflix though. We should get up and peep it. I’ll pop some cornnuts. I hear good things. For a movie on Netflix that is. When you travel, where do you check your ego?

Sims: With either the butler, skycap or personal bellhop I bring with me. My stylist, hair product manager and face washer can Fuck off though, I give them all of my ego.

SYFFAL: SYFFAL.com started when me and my friend Tim decided to start our own youth group. Our old youth group was all prayers and guided imagery and touching and stuff, and all that shit's lame when the punch is watered down. Our first order of business was matching rape whistles. What color rape whistle would you prefer Simsy? What does that color say about your willingness to discuss the subject of rape at our next youth group meeting? What if I told you you are already at said meeting and you're already blowing your whistle?

Sims: First thought purple, but now I'm kinda hoping there might be a hyper-colored one, I don't know…do they make a mood ring color option? This question is hard. I think there are many different moods that occur during one of those conversations. Oh! I got it. Gray, because I'm confused and a little sad.

SYFFAL: You blew a blue one already. We can come back to this next month. How often does Doomtree eat together outside of backstage areas?

Sims: Seldom.

SYFFAL: What does Dessa look like while eating finger foodz?

Sims: Like a princess.

SYFFAL: What does Cecil do with his teeth when he's about to eats?

Sims: Puts them in.

SYFFAL: That guy just KNOWS shit man. I keep telling people he’s the dude, he dude, dude is straight up the dude. Right dude? Wait. Does Cecil know that he's a 75 year old in a 30 year old's body? Can you tell him?

Sims: I can try but nobody tells Cecil anything. That's rule 2 of Doomtree: nobody tell Cecil anything. Rule 1 of Doomtree is you ONLY talk about Doomtree. (Doomtree.)

SYFFAL: When you guys were in the planning stages of No Kings, why didn't anyone tell you to shut the Fuck up? No disrespect, but you are a ball hog on this muthafucker. GOOD THING I FIND YOU ADORABLE OR I WOULD'VE RENAMED YOU GUYS "SIMS & THE shit BIRDS".

Sims: Well, I commonly talk louder than everyone else in the room especially when they are talking so I can hear myself and don't have to listen to them talking. People are so selfish, you know? Like they ALWAYS have to say something. I'm like Fuck that, I'm just going to talk OVER you because what I have to say is clearly more important than anything that you could ever think of, ever. And no disrespect to you but you should start listening to me too because I fucking slay this record. I'm like John Stockton's shorts on this shit, MVP legendary status.

SYFFAL: Actual LOLs bruh. John Stockton’s shorts. Let's see if you can use that high school education you bought online, please list every member of Doomtree below and alphabetize this list by either their mother's maiden name or their food allergies. READY? GO.

Sims: Breadman

Deli-Tray Darling

Emeril

Gluten-Free Tiger

Jonah Hill

And I think that's all of us.

SYFFAL: You forgot me bruh. In case you were wondering, POS is one of my favorite rappers. What do you do so as to not cut yourself when he raps next to you? That would be like me sitting one cubicle over from Hunter S. Thompson or Geraldo Rivera or Teagan Presley. I don't know what I would do with myself.

Sims: Is that really your first reaction? Cutting? What are you 15?

SYFFAL: 16.

Sims: Aww buddy, there there, cutting is not going to get you noticed; I think there's a whole line of t-shirts on the Warped Tour that promote that. You know what will though? Dying. I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain this to people: If you want POS to notice you you're going to have to kill yourself. That is the only way. Do you think a rare talent like POS gives a shit about a flesh wound? Fuck you, asshole. Prove your love and worthiness to get noticed by fucking killing yourself. Do you think Jesus gives a shit about your sore arm? Nope. Fuck off, do it. People in cults don't cut themselves to teleport onto the comets flying by to take them to their alien god, they fucking kill themselves. How about a little sacrifice from your side, you whimpering asswipes.

SYFFAL: *Slow 1980s movie clap* I REALLY FELT THAT ONE SIMS. JESUS shitTING IN A WACK-A-MOLE. Two of my Mexican friends, Danny and Oscar, are pretty dapper looking gentlemen. They both wear really trendy glasses. Do you find bespecticled Mexicans attractive?

Sims: This question should have read "my two Mexican friends…" But yes, why not, as long as they can't vote. This is exactly the type of "Gotcha" journalism that the liberal elite media wants me to fall for. Anyway, I'm not the racist here, Barack Obama is.

SYFFAL: They don’t vote, they tweet. Do these shorts make me a prime suspect for rapin’?

Sims: Upon the first scan of this question I thought you said Robyn. I'd much rather talk about her because the above question is dumb. Here's a bit about Robyn from her wikipedia page: As the daughter of two Swedish actors, Robyn grew up in a creative and artistic environment; she became involved in acting at the age of 9, with a role as an extra in Kronbruden at the Swedish theatre Dramaten.

After the release of her second album in 1999...

And then it drones on about some charity bullshit for awhile then finally BOOM:: Robyn is single as of December, 2011.[31] !!!!!!!

SYFFAL: EEEEEEEE! If you were part of the Make A Wish program, but this particular program was just for regular pieces of shit like you and me, and it granted us special opportunities to get intoxicated with our musical and sports and entertainment heroes, who would you Make A Wish for? I would want to pull 3 footers of indica with Robert Redford while he was dressed in his sport jacket from Legal Eagles.

Sims: I think I’d like to arrange something with Beyonce where I walk by her and pretend to fall then lick an acid tab off of her thigh, like 5 times. And then there's a bit of confusion while her security guards wrestle me to my feet and then she shouts at the top her most Sascha Fierce voice for them to let me go and they do. Then she kinda strokes my hair for awhile and says cool shit to me while I'm tripping balls until we go see Jay perform until my acid has worn off.

SYFFAL: What do you do for money since you're a rapper?

Sims: Criticize old episodes of Sister, Sister and Step by Step to total strangers for money. Sadly, that's not actually that dissimilar to what I do when I rap.

SYFFAL: Sister Kate and Just The 10 of Us would be awesomer though dudeski. Is there anyone out there that you want to give a special negative shout out to? I want to tell my friend Del LeFevre that he is a fucking piece of shit and I fucking hate him. Now you go.

Sims: I'd like to tell Blake that he's an asshole and that punk died long before he was born and that if you really look at the two side by side, Gutter/Crust Punks are almost identical to Hippies but take different drugs and listen to different but equally shitty music so shut the Fuck up.

SYFFAL: When can we tell the world that we started a rap/ska band together? Do you want to tell everyone the name of said ska/rap band? If you don't I will muthafucker.

Sims: AHAHAHAHA, I know one of those. Anyway, we could get fucking paid off that shit because kids are really really fucking stupid these days. We could take that on the Warped Tour and cake up. We, fucking marketing geniuses, blend everything that is shitty in the world of music together, package it all nicely, with me as the front man of course (handsome) and sell a whole ton of brightly colored way too busy tee shirts and neon snapback hats and take all these shitheads money and then we put on hyper-colored whistles and talk about what just happened to them. That's it, we'll call it Rape Whistle.

SYFFAL: How often do you shake the Tree of Doom and feast on its fruits and twigs?

Sims: meh

SYFFAL: Meh? That question was sent in by Andrew Percival Bolland of Idaho Springs! I love you Sims, now shut the Fuck up.

Sims: Bye.