CHICAGO—Observing how the pair had infused the entire establishment with a savage sexual energy, patrons of Belmont Karaoke Bar speculated Thursday that the couple performing a duet of “Suddenly Seymour” were probably going to fuck like animals immediately afterwards. “Oh, man, the chemistry between those two? No way they’re not gonna hustle out of here right after this and just go to town on each other,” said witness Garrett Walsh, citing the palpable lust between the performers of the iconic number from Little Shop Of Horrors, particularly the manner in which they gazed hungrily at one another during the song’s chorus. “They’re really pouring everything they’ve got into this. At this rate, I’ll be surprised if they don’t just duck into the bathroom, rip their clothes off, and rut like goats. Hell, I’m so turned on just watching them I probably shouldn’t drive home.” Upon bringing the song to a remarkably torrid conclusion, the performers and coworkers reportedly returned to their group table to drink heavily and avoid eye contact for the rest of the night.

Advertisement