I have had some wild nights out. I was in a bar in Tokyo when David Beckham scored the last minute free kick which meant that England would be playing in Japan for the World Cup. Red wine and falling out of the bar at 8 the next morning followed. I was in a theatre in San Francisco when it was invaded by drag queens as part of a protest. That night involved white wine and bars and wandering round Castro looking for a cab. I went out drinking in Brighton with Bobby Gillespie. Yeah. File that one under lost weekend. Woke up in my kitchen, my flatmate was fast asleep on the kitchen table and we had an inflatable boat in the utility room.

So that just sets the scene. I’m no shrinking violet – I have previous. I’m also from Glasgow; the city where the C word is used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, greeting and quite possibly even a colour. Although some bad language doesn’t shock me and I do use it, Wee Yin knows that according to the Great Hypocrisy of Parenting if she uses it she is in big trouble.

The most unlikely Wild Night Out Ever was last week. Last week was the Junior School Family Disco. Eagerly awaited for by the children, absolutely loathed by the parents. We drew straws this year and I was the parent from our class, Year 4, who had to go and watch the kids. You are supposed to take your own children but the parents in our class are all at the more mature end of the scale and just cannot be bothered with it. The music is too loud and too shite.

My face was set to “have fun children” and I loaded Year 4 up with lemonade, chocolate, Haribo, neon glow sticks and glittery cowboy hats (all sold to me at a very respectable 300% margin by the PTA) and sent them off to the dancefloor.

I have said before that I wouldn’t be able to pick out a Justin Bieber song if there was a gun to my head. Well, that is now a false statement. The DJ put on what at first I thought was an Alvin and the Chipmunks track. The girls went absolutely batshit crazy, screaming “JUSTIN!!!!!”, and rushing through the hall to gather at the speakers and GAZE at them reverentially as if Justin himself were trapped in there as they swayed slightly with the music. Scary.

The best bit was to come. The DJ played “Billionaire” and at the “so frickin bad” line the Year 3 mums started to bristle a bit, especially as the DJ had given the mic to some Year 5 boys who were singing along with the track. Then came Soulja Boy and if I hadn’t have been stocking up on supplies and came in at the end of the track the DJ would have heard me. In what way is it appropriate to have kids on the stage singing “Superman dat ho”? Girls at that?

But these, dear friends, are mere appetisers to the gourmet treat that was to come. Daughter was beside me and on came what we thought were the opening bars of Cee-Lo Green’s “Forget You”. She started laughing and said, “Oh Mum, you love this song! Dance with me”.

We would have danced if it had been “Forget You” that had been played. Oh no. DJ Brains Trust played the other version. The rude one.

All we heard was “F**k you” blaring out of the speakers. Chaos. The group of kids on the stage started joining in on the mics, as did half the kids on the dancefloor. The rest of the kids were either laughing, looking round for their parents or standing with eyes wide and hands covering their mouths in gleeful shock.

“F**k you”

The PTA members manning the refreshments booth starting leaping the tables to get onto the dancefloor and up to the stage. The mums in the gazebo sprinted across the hall and jumped onto the stage and started HURLING kids off it to get to the kids with the mics.

“And F**k you too”

The Headmistress of the Junior School started up the stairs to the stage to get to the decks. The DJ was behind all the kids singing and was trying to get through the kids to get to his volume control .

“Ain’t that some shit”

One of the mums near the door started hustling the kids out of the hall, and another mum was throwing them all back in and shouting at her to stop as the kids were in their party wear and it was absolutely freezing outside.

“F**k You”

Finally one of the Sixth Formers just pulled out the plug from the socket. Silence, except for the kids all singing the sweary words at the top of their voices. The DJ was surrounded by angry mums who were giving him dog’s abuse. One mum, I was surprised to note, was liberally using the word that she was so offended at in a song.

The kids singing on the dancefloor would not shut up. One of the PTA members grabbed a box of Haribo and started lobbing it at the kids. This stopped the singing but started a full scale ruck as kids booted each other to get at the tangy treats.

Wee Yin was still standing beside me as all this was going on, taking it all in and thankfully not joining in. Once calm was restored and I had gathered all the kids I was responsible for from stage, dancefloor and behind the unmanned refreshments table she took a drink from me and said, “I can see why you like that song Mum. That was AWESOME.”

Indeed it was m’dear. Indeed it was. Although not quite suitable for a children’s disco.

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Something more gentle for today’s Holiday Box