It took reading the #MeToo social media posts to make me see I had been assaulted The writer is a 27-year-old woman who works in the arts Yesterday I was saddened to read all of the […]

The writer is a 27-year-old woman who works in the arts

Yesterday I was saddened to read all of the ‘#MeToo’ posts written by friends on Facebook and strangers on Twitter. If you missed it, the social media campaign was started to show how widespread sexual harassment is in light of the Harvey Weinstein allegations.

‘I wanted to join in on the hashtag but felt I had nothing which justified me doing so’

Most of my female friends have shared something, and the saddest thing about it was that none of it shocked me. I was proud of the bravery of the people who posted and appalled by what they had experienced, but not surprised.

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I wanted to join in on the hashtag but felt I had nothing which justified me doing so, other than the usual stuff of being heckled every time I go for a run wearing shorts or being followed down dark roads late at night. I didn’t feel any of my experiences qualified as ‘assault’.

Then it all came back to me

Then as I was trying to get to sleep last night, I remembered four experiences I have had with men I know and am still friends with (on Facebook at least).

I was asleep in my friend’s bed at a party and another (girl) friend was supposed to share the bed with me when she went to sleep later on. I went to bed before her and woke up to a male acquaintance touching my boobs under my pyjamas. He had got into bed with me whilst I was asleep and decided that was an appropriate thing to do. The same man sent my friend abusive messages calling her a “c***” for not kissing him at another party. He was slightly ridiculed by his friendship group and he apologised but very quickly it was laughed off and forgotten about.

On a different occasion, I was called a bitch for not kissing a male friend at a party. When I called him up on it the next day, he apologised and blamed it on being drunk and high.

I was taken to a strip club by a real gentleman who I later slept with. When we got back to his house and were having sex, he wanted to do anal. I said “No, don’t” as he forced it into my bum. Only the tip went in but I remember just saying “ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OW!” and his response was “just relax”.

I went back with someone to his house and we were getting together. I decided I wasn’t ready to sleep with him and started to feel uncomfortable about being there. He was pretty aggressive and so I pretended to fall asleep to protect myself from having sex with him. After persisting, he eventually gave up. The next time I bumped into him, he had a go at me for leading him on.

‘I consider myself lucky nothing worse has happened to me’

They didn’t seem like a big deal

Reflecting on these moments made me question why they hadn’t immediately sprung to mind when reading other people’s stories. I wondered if I had repressed them, as moments I didn’t necessarily want to remember. I think the real reason though, is that I had belittled them to the point that they no longer seemed a big deal.

It has become so everyday for women that we don’t think our own negative experiences are extraordinary. Yes, none of these things should have happened to me, but I know I’m not alone. Women all over the world experience this kind of abuse, some on a daily basis.

It is very easy to vilify and shame public figures who carry out horrendous acts of sexual assault (Harvey Weinstein being the latest example). By what #MeToo has highlighted is that misogyny is something we need to deal with on a much more day-to-day basis.

I am in no way equating my experiences to the horrendous experiences other women have had; I consider myself lucky nothing worse has happened to me. But it did make me think ‘Why am I still friends with these people? Why did I forgive them? Why did I laugh it off?’

And crucially, why didn’t I think of these moments immediately when reading everyone else’s ‘me too’ stories? Because sexual violence is so normalised in our society.

I’m sure a number of men read women’s statuses yesterday thinking “I’m glad I’ve never done anything like that”, but maybe you have. Perhaps your victims just forgave you. Perhaps they’re still ‘friends’ with you. Perhaps they just consider themselves lucky that nothing worse happened to them.