Liveblogging Black Friday! All is Well in East Portland (So Far)

10PM – Black Friday started early this year, around 6 pm on Thanksgiving Day when my lovely wife and I headed to Portland MOR American cuisine stalwart The Village Inn near 102nd and Stark NE for their Turkey Day bird or ham plus fixins and pie for $13.75 special. We needed lots of solid food for a long night of shopping and blogging. This wasn’t a holiday dinner, this was a pregame meal for the biggest game of the year, Black Friday.

The Village Inn excels at Turkey, they serve it every day of the year, and today they did not disappoint. The T-bird slices were plentiful, the gravy and stuffing extremely tasty, and the pie, as per usual, was solidly good. The VI service was quick and friendly and the place was packed. For last year’s Thanksgiving we went a little further west down Stark Street to the Country Cat, which is west of 82nd on Stark. The Country Cat was delicious, a fine dining tribute to Thanksgiving, but at $40 was a little pricey, particularly as the Pilgrim Day repast is based on familiarity, comfort and memories. Fine dining any other night of the year is fun, but with Thanksgiving, simple comfort foods win out and the VI is the place to find them.

Coast to Coast Am is on the radio here in the EPB news van. Tonight’s show is half about the dangers of GMO foods and half about Bigfoot. George Noory is my only friend.

11PM – It’s 11 o’clock and excellent parking spots are still available here at the Troutdale Outlet Mall, the Troutlet Mall, though the lots will be full soon. Black Friday is taking off under clear skies this year. Crowds aren’t really bustling and fighting yet. Holiday cheer is still plentiful, but tensions are obviously rising. In the last hour numbers have increased quickly and the family-based and kid-friendly crowds from earlier in the evening are giving way to determined suburban teens, mostly female, who are mall-hardened but undisciplined, moving quickly but without strategy between store displays and stores themselves. Shoppers like this are both competitive and nearly impossible to satisfy. No amount of discounting will sate the shopping desires of these youths on a mission. They drink perfume and eat cashmere, believing it will cause them to live forever. Save us, George Noory, save us from this generation of Lady Frankenstein shopping machines we have raised.

I will be here through the night sending updates from the various shopping spots my lovely wife has chosen for their discount potential. We’ll be off to Walmart soon

Midnight – Black Friday has arrived, west coast time, and I’ve heard from my wife for the first time. She has been in the trenches for three hours now, elbowing, fighting, hunting, calculating discounts, and all around securing the best deals she can for her loving family. Her family includes not only my lovely self, but also her overseas family who are always in need for clothes, shoes and the types of goods typically sold for less on Black Friday.

My lovely wife’s biggest complaint of the evening is the low air quality in the Troutlet Mall’s Gap outlet. Apparently young persons are flocking to the clothing retailer and unleashing dozens of silent but deadly (and who could hear above the noise anyway) turkey farts. Combine that with too much steam heat, sweaty, hormonal teenagers and a goodly amount of bad breath and you’ve got one stinky store. Thus far she isn’t bothered enough to leave the Gap, but she has made her complaints known to those of us here in the news van.

The longest checkout lines of the evening have been in Gymboree, where the entire store is 70% off until 6 am, and the Gap where potential discounts are drawing the sorority sisters of tomorrow by the dozens.

12:09 AM – First sighting of the Fezziwigs, the Dickens-themed carolers. Jingle Bells is the song they open with. Excellent singers, actually. It’s easy to poke fun, but the quartet can sing. They are sharing their top hats with hip hop teenagers in hopes of making some converts, but the shoe-seeking teenagers will have none of it. One of them just made mock vomiting sounds. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, was song No. 2 for the Fezziwigs. Best to go high commercial on Black Friday. Deck the Halls was third on the list.

The Addidas outlet opened at Midnight with a long line of shoe-seeking and loud teenaged boys out front. They then disappered into the store and haven’t come out. They must be intrigued by the cobbler’s fare found inside. There appear to be long lines at the cash register.

My only purchase of the evening was penuche fudge at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. It’s delish, very delicately maple-y, and it was buy two get one free, so who am I to fight fate. I wanted food and it was either fudge or Subway. Midnight is more of a fudging hour, so I went for it. If I’m still here at 3AM, well then it might just be time for a pastrami sub.

My lovely wife is very pleased with her progress so far. She has gone so far as to keep postponing our trip to Walmart and perhaps even cancel it altogether, having found enough bargains here thus far to satisfy her. This is not good news to me as Walmart was where she was looking at not clothes, but consumer electronics, perhaps for our home use. Here, in the belly of the Troutlet, it’s all clothes, and not for us. Straight men don’t care about clothes and unfortunately, I’m a straight man. Tonight’s clothing gives me no excitement. Most of it is gifts for the extended family anyway. This is a night to take one, or several, for the team.

My lovely wife has been cleaning up at Eddie Bauer, Guess and the Gap by heading straight for the clearance rack, which already offers prices cut by up to 70% and then availing herself of the additional Black Friday savings of 40% off the total.

Here in the news van we continue to enjoy the maple fudge. The right snack can make or break your shopping liveblog experience. It’s of course important to remain hydrated as well. Keep drinking water all through the experience. I would suggest packing a sandwich or two. It’s a long night. Maple has been good thus far, but I’m starting to need something more substantial.

On Coast to Coast, George Noory is discussing “The Patterson Film” of an alleged bigfoot sighting in the 60s. The learned guest admits that persons have admitted to creating the film intending a hoax. The person who wore the Gorilla Suit, the camera person, all have come forward. Still the guest believes the film shows a genuine bigfoot, based on analysis of the film and the muscle movement of the creature. Film analysis might be convincing on some level, but you’d think it would be trumped by a confession of falsehood by the guy who wore the suit. Save us George Noory, save us!

Earlier in Coast to Coast we were told how the use of gmo seeds would lead to the disappearance of real seeds spawned by Mother Nature. Eventually this will lead to the collapse of the world food markets in the way that world economic markets have recently collapsed. Save us George Noory, save us!

The weather continues to cooperate, but a smattering of rain here and there has shown up.

1AM – Troutlet stores are filling up now and the parking lot is starting to have minor traffic snarls. Patience, everyone, patience… The rain is coming down harder now. This has no apparent effect on the shoppers. My lovely wife has been shopping for four hours. She’s currently in the relatively uncrowded Wilson’s Leather. Sure there are deals, but in a sluggish economy, is more black leather what people really need? Maybe. I would certainly have a different answer had I been born in Rooshya where black leather is a haberdasher’s necessity and part and parcel of the American Dream. C’mon Boris, wouldn’t you rather have something smart and athletic looking from Columbia Sportswear?

I’m starting to think we may never get to Walmart for their four AM sales, much less Costco at 9AM tomorrow. Oh the humanity…

I’ve been alone in the EPB news van for too long. I’m starting to wish bigfoot would pay a visit…

Unbeknownst to many, Black Friday is a family event. However, the youngest members of these families will sleep through the event and have no memory of it. Troutlet is loaded with parents pushing covered strollers with sleeping babies inside. This is the only yearly event where walking around in the cold with your toddler, asleep or awake, at 2AM is acceptable. Where are Child Protective Services when they’re needed?

2AM – Around this time at the Troutlet I began to notice the evening shaping up to the spirited magic night that I remember. In the wee-est of the wee hours the crowd started to seem cordial, the Dickensian singers inspired, and the bargains utterly worthwhile. There are few enough public events left in life and at it’s best Black Friday works out to be a Secret Policeman’s Shopping Ball of people having fun and not yet being bored with the holiday, the giving, the music, the pressure, the hassles. If you’re a Black Friday maven you’ll understand me. Black Friday is the last chance humanity has to go to Maxwell Street on a Sunday morning with a fat roll of cash and even if you don’t have the cash you can charge a few discounted things and then return them a few days later.

2:30AM – On the way from Troutlet to the Walmart at 82nd and Holgate we stopped off for drive-thru burgers the size of Ronald McDonald’s shoes. Unfortunately they tasted suspiciously like the feet of a fat clown as well. Black Friday is not a night for culinary excellence…

3AM – I’ve been in the Walmart parking lot for at least a half hour. The security car goes around me slowly every few minutes. This is a lot where husbands are not really welcome to wait in the car. They assume we’re planning to break in to our fellow shopper’s vehicles. This is a fair assumption, but not for me at the moment. I’m in the car trying to blog my way to the heart of the American Dream 2011 and not planning any criminal enterprise whatsoever, unless libeling Burger King fare has become a crime in this country and one day it doubtless will be, but until that day, I promise to blog my burgers as I taste them, honest in my every culinary assessment.

Four satisfied women laden with heavy bags of gifts had escaped from Walmart and are pausing by their SUV to discuss their purchases, mostly children’s clothes. Their night is over, their battle won. They empty their travel mugs of coffee into one of Walmart’s parking lot tree islands before repacking the vehicle and heading home delirious and dazed by their discounted merchandise.

Eminem is the greatest recording artist of all time. He’s my other friend with George Noory. Save us, Eminem…

Dawn is still nowhere in sight, but the crowds are both thinning and building here at Walmart at the same time. It feels like a shift change. The overnight shoppers are going home, but the early morning shoppers are starting to arrive in greater numbers. Ahh the magic continues…

I hate to leave you here, but the batteries are running out on our EPB remote unit. It’s sad to think that technology is getting in the way of coverage of this yearly shopping miracle, but such is life. I promise to have a car charger for the remote computer by next year.

Victory – my wife found seasons three and four of Burn Notice as the last discounted DVDs left at Walmart, but on the whole she was disappointed by Walmart this year. There’s nothing left. The good stuff was all sold at Midnight.

4AM – Morning shoppers are definitely perkier and happier than evening shoppers. We’re at Mall 205 Target and young people, fresh with at least part of a night’s sleep, are arriving, only to see their hopes for previously touted merchandise dashed. As with Walmart, there’s nothing left here. Both stores opened at Midnight and that’s when crowds pounced and got the best stuff. Black Friday is no longer an early morning Friday event, it’s now a late night Thursday event. If you’re not here by now, there’s no need to hurry…

4:12AM – My lovely wife has been shopping for more than seven hours. She is a true champion. I’ve been in the EPB news van for seven hours. She’s definitely the winner here… Early morning radio is painfully bad…

4:16AM – The battery is very low now. After Target we’ll be off to Kohl’s, then my lovely wife is talking about making a few online Black Friday purchases before finishing it all up at Costco at 9AM…

It’s been a great night with you all, but I must sign off, even if there are a few hours of shopping left…

5AM – We’re back at home now with skies definitely lightening. Sunrise can’t be too far away. My lovely wife put in an eight hour night of shopping tonight with a fifteen minute break to eat. She is a trouper, the queen of Black Friday, no doubt of that. She finished off the night/morning at Gateway Kohl’s where she found terrifically discounted towels for overseas. Kohl’s shoppers definitely seemed happy, even if I was too worn out to notice and comment upon them, but there were no obvious runs, no long lines at the registers. All the excitement seemed to be over there also. The Gateway Fred Meyer had long lines of people waiting for the 5AM opening to buy something or other. We were curious as to what they were interested in, but too tired to stop and ask. Time to get in an hour or two of sleep before heading over to Costco.

And here’s the operative story of the day:

Black Friday takes ugly turn at Los Angeles Wal-Mart: Shopper pepper sprays crowd to get deals, 20 injured

Greed has run amok in Los Angeles’ Black Friday while Portland’s BF remained peaceful. We do things differently here in Portland, Oregon and we’re not ashamed to say so.

7:30 PM Saturday, 11/26/2011 (Small Business Saturday) – In my Black Friday blogging above I noted that teenagers were showing up in droves on Thursday night. This was echoed by one of the national stories which said that the earlier opening times attracted younger shoppers. Teenagers will happily shop at midnight, but almost never get up at 4 to wait in line to shop. I think Thursday night openings to Black Friday are here to stay. One in three shoppers in America shopped somewhere on Black Friday. Black Friday sales were up 14% this year over last. My liveblogging efforts must be inspiring people to head out and shop.

And here is perhaps the final insult for Black Friday. Discount-seeking Target shoppers in Charleston, West Virginia on Black Friday stepped over a dying man, a pillar of the community, in their rush to obtain bargains. A nurse and a paramedic stopped to help the dying man, he makes it to a hospital, but dies later:

http://youtu.be/bAqEpag1xhc