I've been thinking about retro games a lot recently. Because modern games are screwing us harder than minigun-cocked spiderdemon bosses ever did, because I'm always at least 10 percent thinking about Smash TV, and because I'm taking part in the RETRO gaming magazine Kickstarter with Seanbaby, Jeremy Parish, Bob Mackey, and almost every other video game writer you could possibly care about.

id Software

Now I'm also 90 percent thinking about that thing's motorized Gatling genitals, and really wishing I wasn't.

I remember a simpler time when we got extra costumes by entering secret codes instead of credit card details. But those are rose-tinted glasses, and in retro gaming the only rose-tinted glasses are the Virtual Boy: an expensive headache that wasn't nearly as good as it should have been. Most old games were so shit, they'd make lab rats ask to get back to work at the shampoo testing plant.