Most people know at least one physically disabled person, and it can often be very challenging for the able-bodied to understand the physical limitations of a disabled person. More than that, it can be hard to speak to them without upsetting them. Here are ten ways to understand, support, and speak to the disabled person or people in your life.



1. Don’t offer medical advice. We’ve all been guilty of offering unsolicited medical advice at one time or another, usually to friends with small conditions like headaches or cold sores, etc. The difference between giving advice to an able-bodied person versus a disabled person is that the disabled person has already heard ten million different ideas from every source possible. The best course of action when you find out what disability someone has is to kindly express your condolences and continue conversing with them normally.

2. Try not to compare their disability to injuries that you’ve had. Comparing a previous injury to someone’s physical disability is really demoralizing for the disabled person, because it’s a reminder that you can and did get better but they can’t. This is a tricky rule to follow because on some level you want to be able to empathize with them, so make sure that if you do draw a comparison to an injury you’ve had, you stress the fact that you know it’s not the same as what they have. Basically, you don’t want to be that person who sees someone in a wheelchair and tells them you understand how they feel because you hurt your foot skiing in the Alps one time.

3. Don’t make them a hero or expect them to be an inspiration. We’ve all seen those inspiring stories of a disabled person who is still living life to the fullest and putting most able-bodied people to shame; “Man’s Body Is Just A Head Attached To A Foot, And He Just Broke The Worldwide Snowboarding Record”, or something of that ilk. These stories are always beautiful and uplifting, but unfortunately only one in a million disabled or chronically sick person is this exceptional. Because of the news coverage these stories get, most able-bodied people expect disabled people to maintain a positive attitude and push through or fight, but that’s not a fair thing to ask of them. You wouldn’t tell someone going through a divorce that they have to keep a smile plastered on their face, and in the same vein you can’t expect your disabled friend to be that one in a million person who inspires everyone else.

4. Invite a disabled person to participate in fun activities, but don’t expect them to always keep up or want to go out. Saying that disabled people can’t do the same things that able-bodied people can may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s certainly not to say that you shouldn’t invite them out! Depending on what their disability is, they may not be able to participate in the same activities that you enjoy, and generally speaking they won’t be able to do as much in a day as an able-bodied person. It’s important to let them make the choice for themselves, because a disabled person will know how much they are capable of and what activities are okay for them. In fact, they probably already have fun hobbies they can share with you. However, if they end up saying that they can’t participate for one reason or another, it’s important to let it go and not blame them for disappointing you. Able-bodied people generally feel great when they push themselves, get out of the house, behave recklessly, or just ignore any idea of future consequences and live solely for the thrill of the moment. A disabled person who does this can go from bad to worse, and it can take not only a physical but an emotional toll as well. This brings us to number 5:

5. Understand that a disabled body can create anxiety, anger, and depression- not the other way around. This is possibly the most important point on this list. In our culture there is an idea that anything is possible with the right attitude. While it’s true that most problems able-bodied people have can be solved with a positive attitude and some hard work, this is not the case for disabled people. Whether they are just frustrated by little everyday activities that they’re incapable of doing or they’re in actual pain, their bodies are probably having a negative effect on their minds. This is true on a very basic, physiological level: the path between the brain and the body is a two-way street, and messages are being sent both ways. If a person’s body is constantly sending signals to the brain that something is wrong, it’s going to make them agitated, anxious, and even depressed. On top of that, being incapable of completing normal tasks or having a full and productive day because of their physical limitations can be frustrating, depressing and infuriating. All of this will make it very hard for a disabled person to keep a positive attitude, and that’s not their fault. As an able-bodied person, understanding this enough to remain compassionate about a disabled person’s negativity or sadness will help everyone involved.

6. Don’t tell them “I could never live like that/ do that” when they tell you something that is a part of their lifestyle or treatment. Many disabilities come with a long list of lifestyle changes and special treatments, so it’s important not to tell a disabled person that you could never do what they do if they disclose one of those things to you. For example, if someone tells you that they are on a special diet that cuts out dairy, it’s best if you don’t tell them you couldn’t live without cheese. First of all, you probably could do what they do if you were uncomfortable or unhappy enough, which is where most disabled people are at. Second, it’s probably a matter in which they have no choice, so saying that you could never live the way they have to sends the message that their lives aren’t as good as yours. (This may very well be true, but it’s not fun to hear).

7. Give them the benefit of the doubt if you ever see them sitting or laying down frequently. A lot of disabilities are visible, but some disabilities like chronic pain are invisible. While it may look like someone with an invisible disability is being lazy, the truth is probably that they are fatigued, in pain, or just uncomfortable because of their disability. Just because they don’t look bad doesn’t mean they don’t feel bad. If a disabled person is sitting or lying down when it seems inappropriate, it may be a good idea to check in and make sure they’re okay instead of assuming they’re just being lazy or unhelpful.

8. Listen without fixing. There’s generally nothing you can really do to help them, and while it may be hard to do this, it’s really important that you just let a disabled person vent about what they’re going through. Very few things are more frustrating than not being able to complete everyday tasks, and those frustrations build up. If you ever feel that they are being overly negative- as in, they never talk about anything positive- gently tell them you’d like it if they could talk about at least one positive thing in their lives. Having to think about something positive may not always be possible for them, but in general it can be a good habit for them to get into.

9. Always ask permission before helping a disabled person, and believe them if they say they don’t need assistance. Some disabled people love it when people offer to help, but be sure to ask before jumping in. Your best intentions can easily go awry if a disabled person already has a good handle on things and really doesn’t need or want your help. It’s also possible that completing a small task on their own may bring them a great amount of pleasure or pride, even if they do it slowly or with difficulty.

10. If you are a friend, family member, significant other, or just a good acquaintances of a disabled person, make sure they know how much you care about them. You can do this by telling them and making time for them whenever you can. Again, you may not be able to do the same things with them as your other friends, but any gestures that show you care will be hugely beneficial to them. Many disabled people are missing human connection given how isolating physical disabilities can be, so a little effort on your part will go a long way for them.









Written by Charlene Naomi Eldon

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