HOUSTON, TEXAS Barbara Bush has told Jeb to go to his room following revelations that he smoked pot 40 years ago. As a result, his campaign has been suspended indefinitely. Representatives for the campaign have stated that due to the statute of limitations, there are no charges to be filed, thus his detention is illegal.

When asked how long Jeb will have to stay in his room, Barbara responded, “Until I say so.”

Jeb’s lawyers have called his timeout a gross human rights abuse. “It is unconstitutional to indefinitely detain someone, especially without due process. Jeb has an inalienable right to legal representation and a fair trial.”

Legal scholars have weighed in saying that it is unheard of to detain someone as prestigious as Bush. “This is clearly a violation of his white privilege,” added Mark O’Mara. “But, if Barbara declares him a threat to national security, she will have unlimited power over him. However, he’s not even dark skinned or Muslim so it will be very tough for her to make that case.”

Journalists have been banned from the property, but it has been reported that Dubya and Dick Cheney were seen snickering in the garden as they prepared a dish of rectally infusible hummus. As the sun set over Texas and Bush’s campaign disappeared into the darkness, Jeb peered longingly from the bench of his Guantanamo Bay window.