DrSKN08 via Getty Images Man coloring pattern of national flag of India on the wall of a building hanging in a rope ladder

Mitron, Namaste. As you all know, our Bharat Mata has gone through a lot in the past. She has seen thousands of her children get killed in violent protests, violent mob lynchings, violent rapes; and in Delhi, in violent fights over diverse issues such as space in parking lots, in gyms, in restaurants, in restrooms. Bharat Mata has gone through a lot in the past... she has braved it all with a forgiving smile and folded hands. So far, like a good Bharatiya Nari, she has braved it all with a forgiving smile and folded hands.

Bharat Mata in happier days. But today, her soul is weeping. Today, she is angry. Because today, she faces a threat like never before--the threat of anti-nationalism. Anti-nationalism (n): 1) The act of shouting slogans against the country, or 2) the act of shamelessly existing within a 252km radius of the echoes of such slogans, or 3) the act of blasphemously stating (and may my God forgive me for saying this), that people who've done 1) or 2), gasp, do not deserve to be hanged to death without a fair trial.

Bharat Mata right now Yes, no number of her own children being brutally massacred has ever upset Bharat Mata as much as those 3.5 anti-national slogans uttered in JNU. And mitron, the pain of our Bharat Mata has not gone unnoticed. Every family has a Tau... responsible for shouting down naughty children into obedience. Well, our government has very honourably decided to be the Tau to India. You know how every family has a Tau, a person who is responsible for beating up or shouting down naughty children into obedience? Well, our government has very honourably decided to be the Tau to India and its many anti-national children. (Forgive me for this terrible and untrue analogy; a few Jats were about to burn down the internet if I did not give them reservation in this article.) So as a humble bhakt of the Tau, and a loyal daughter of Bharat Mata, today, I want to teach you a lesson in nationalism. Now you might imagine that this is going to be a boring lecture, to understand which you'll actually have to work your brains, like the classes those JNU traitors are conducting. Thus threatened, you might be tempted to wander off to a funny gif-full article, but please guys:

Because I have great news! Nationalism is no longer difficult and old-fashioned! Now, you don't have to risk your life to protect the country (like Captain Pawan Kumar), or take up the battles of the oppressed (like Soni Sori), or contribute to the nation in any meaningful way (like Azim Premji) to claim to be the proudest nationalist around. [Nationalism] can be practiced by any Amar, Akhil or Anmol. (Note: A slightly more demanding version is being developed for the Akbars and the Anthonys.) In association with Tau, I bring to you a shiny-new, Chetan Bhagat-ized version of nationalism: popular, feel-good, super easy to understand and devoid of any real substance. And the best part? It can be practiced by any Amar, Akhil or Anmol in the country! (Note: A slightly more demanding version of this nationalism is being developed for the Akbars and the Anthonys of the country and will be out soon. Keep your eyes peeled!)

If this look of intense nationalism (and avoiding sedition charges) is #goals for you, read on. Let's go! Step 1 : Drill the tricolour into your head Apart from inventing the whole of modern science 70,000 years ago, smart ancient Indians also discovered that being exposed to the tricolour for long hours results in the generation of patriotic energy.

Here's a picture explaining Anupam Kher's mysterious increase in patriotism in recent times, after hours of exposure to the tricolour, courtesy Mr Sambit Patra.

Sikander Kher looks on as father Anupam Kher utters his now-iconic words, Jai Ho, for the first time. In light of this definitive evidence, it is suggested that all Indians get the tricolour drilled into their heads, so that the patriotic energy produced seeps into their brain through the hole. A 15-year-old CEO has already raised funding for an app called PatriotKart, where you can get your monthly supplies of nationalism, including iron-gloves for better beating... If that sounds terrifying and painful, fret not, because nicer alternatives do exist. In fact, a 15-year-old CEO from IIT has already raised funding for an app called PatriotKart, where you can get your monthly supplies of nationalism, including miniature tanks, iron-gloves for better beating, BMKJ lockets, and even classics such as A Selection of 1000 Complicated Sounding Comments to Post Randomly on Anti-National Sounding Articles--delivered right to your doorstep! Step 2 : Join the Freelance Bhakt Army (FBA) It's the most exciting digital start-up in India right now! See, you get to fight people (online or off it) for the sake of nationalism; often, you get paid by Tau for doing so--and all of this, without any risk to your life! Can being in an army get any easier? Tau's motto--"shout people down (on the internet), beat them up (in real life)"--is essentially the job description of a freelance bhakt like me. All you need to do is : Comment on every offensive article, accusing the writer of anti-nationalism and/or incest. Beat up people (if possible, to death) who've done the gravest acts of anti-nationalism, such as shouting slogans, eating beef, not standing up for the national anthem, dancing naked, using condoms, having fun, etc. Step 3: Join the Let's Improve India's Image on Earth (LIIIE) campaign The LIIIE campaign is based on one of India's most lasting traditions, honour killing, which in turn is based on our motto for life-- "log kya kahenge". As you know, many nasty crimes take place in our country, which, unfortunately, like Miley Cyrus, we can't stop. The LIIIE campaign is based on one of India's most lasting traditions, honour killing, which in turn is based on our motto for life-- "log kya kahenge". If you join this campaign, you help our country deal with this menace in a practical and nationalistic way. All you need to do is suppress or counter any discussion about any major crime/problem in the country, so that the international media doesn't cover it. This helps in duping foreigners into believing that Coldplay is in fact right, and India is a 100% trippy, colourful place where no gang-rapes happen and no rationalists are killed, so that they continue to put in money in our stable country, even as we hashtag #AtithiDevoBhava. Step 4 : Respect all things Respect (in all Indian languages): being 100% deferentially respectful to the subject in question and never daring to criticize it, because people's feelings get hurt when others disagree with them, and it is your duty to make sure that the feelings of any of the 1.2 billion people in the country are never hurt by what you say. To be a true nationalist in India, you must respect the following things from the bottom of your heart: Sacred texts such as Bhagavad Gita, Quran, Supreme Court judgements, etc.

Gods, prophets and other associated people such as Durga Mata, Prophet Mohammed, Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji, Salman Khan, Sachin Tendulkar, etc.

All people belonging to the majority for the sake of peace.

All people belonging to the minorities for the sake of peace and political correctness.

Bharat Mata.

Tau.

Cows. And we're done, folks! That's all you need to know to get-set-serve the nation. [W]e need to create a country where everyone looks different and talks differently (#diversity), but reacts to each thing that happens in the exact same way (#unity). Always remember that our mission behind this nationalism is to emulate one of the most successful and flourishing societies of modern times--the Gokuldham society from Taarak Mehta Ka Ulta Chashma. Like Gokuldham, we need to create a country where everyone looks different and talks differently (#diversity), but reacts to each thing that happens in the exact same way (#unity).

How all kinds of true nationals must react to anything that happens in India. One India, one opinion! Jai ho! Disclaimer: I love India and I hate anti-national slogans calling for Bharat Ki Barbaadi. The point of this article is that all of this does not make me a 'proud nationalist', and definitely does not make it right for me to beat up, viciously defame or wish death to people whose guilt has not been proven by fair trial. In short, please don't arrest me.