When I was 19 years old, I went through a traumatic breakup. In my extremely emotionally and spiritually vulnerable state, I sought out a place where I belonged. I realized that I needed God but I didn’t know where to even begin to find Him. I chose to try something different than what I had experience in my life growing up in church. I chose to give something a little more radical a chance.

I was living in Washington at the time, and I was eager to get back home to California to start fresh. I became aware of this group through a friend who was offering support to me. Watching her experience through social media gave me hope. She seemed so full of joy, and she seemed different. I wanted to be different, so I was immediately interested in visiting once I got home. Leading up to my move home, I received a Facebook message from the group’s leader offering prayer and support. I was so touched that someone would reach out to a stranger like that. I still believe that he was genuine in that initial message.

Upon arriving in California, I made plans to visit a prayer meeting set up by this group. I was drawn in by the words “revival” and “move of God”. I attended a meeting and realized that if radical was what I wanted, radical was what I was going to get here. The passionate leader didn’t sit quietly to give a sermon. He yelled, because he needed us to know we were headed for hell if we continued on the path that we were on. He needed us to know that we put too much weight on the grace of God and not enough on His wrath.

Despite my intrigue in this group that preached things I had never heard before, I remained cautious. I allowed strangers to pray for me if they offered, but I tried to observe from the sidelines. It must have been obvious that I was holding back, because on that first night I had multiple people coming up to me offering to pray for me. I couldn’t help but notice that everyone knew things about me. How could they know these things? Was God really speaking to them? I realized later that this was just information passed around about me before I had attended. They knew what to say to make me feel something. On my third time attending, these constant prayers finally shattered my cold exterior. I broke down crying. I felt welcomed, loved, and cared for. I felt like these people wanted the best for me.

After it was clear that I had let down my walls, I was immediately invited to attend their private leadership prayer meetings. The invitation was exciting. It meant they saw something special in me. I had no experience in church leadership, so I couldn’t see the red flag of them wanting clueless and vulnerable people involved in their leadership. I attended and was met with so much warmth and attention. They asked questions about me. They wanted to know me and be my friend. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to be heard and to have friends who cared for me. I now realize that this is what is known as “love bombing” and that I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

One day, I was sitting on the couch after our public prayer meeting had ended. I was speaking to a girl I went to highschool with, who I never had a good relationship with. But she seemed to not care about the past. She made me feel like we could start new and that she would hold nothing against me. We were new creations and all, weren’t we? I remember admiring her hair, which was very long at the time. I told her how pretty it was and that I was jealous of it. Instead of thanking me, she responded telling me that it wasn’t me who admired her hair; it was “Jezebel”, and Jezebel made me feel that way because she wanted what this girl had. I was confused, so I asked for her to elaborate. She told me that I had the spirit of Jezebel, that I was “oppressed” by it. She stated that she saw it on me the moment I arrived for that first meeting. She explained to me that there are many demons that people are oppressed by, and that Jezebel was one of the most dangerous. That she sought to take down Godly men and moves of God. Of course, I was horrified. I was here because I wanted to know God, not to destroy what He was doing through these people. I asked her how to get rid of it and she introduced me to what they called “deliverances.”

In my experience in this group, a deliverance was basically an exorcism. It was done through prayer, and it released people of their oppression from demons. I was made to believe that until I was delivered, I could not have the Holy Spirit. I was told stories about other leaders throwing up black sludge in their deliverances, some levitated, and some even climbed up the walls. I couldn’t believe this was all real, but everyone reassured me that it was definitely real and it was something that was necessary to grow in my walk. If this many people attested to this being truth, why shouldn’t I believe it? I was made to believe that I had never seen it before because every other church I had been to was not Spirit-filled.

I immediately asked leadership to schedule my deliverance. Leading up to it, I wrote down everything I had ever done wrong. The people that I held grudges against, my sins, even the struggles of my family members. When I arrived for my deliverance, there were 4 people there all under the age of 23. They told me to begin by repenting for everything I had ever done. I was encouraged to share this information with them. This was how they could get an idea of what demons I was oppressed by. Then they told me to lay on my back. One girl sat on my right arm, one sat on my left, and one sat on my legs. They were holding me down, and I was terrified. They began praying for me and rebuking all the demons they thought I had, but Jezebel was their main target. They told me to speak any thought I was having, because it was the demons speaking through me and that is how the demons would come out. They yelled at “the demons”, but really they were yelling at me. They shoved a bible into my ribs until I screamed and begged them to stop, but they continued, exclaiming that the demons were angry about what they were doing because they knew they had to leave. After 4-5 hours, we were done. I was exhausted. I felt heavy and hopeless. I was told to rest and that I would feel lighter soon. They said I might even lose weight from losing the demons. I was reminded that if I sinned, that these demons would come back seven-fold and that I would need to be delivered again.

After about a month of living “sinlessly” (by that I mean staying away from secular entertainment, not hanging out with my old friends, not spending time with my family, and spending every waking moment either with them or at Starbucks reading my Bible; all things that were not just encouraged, but insinuated as mandatory), it happened. I sinned, big time. It is important that I state here that our leader claimed that God would give him a “word of knowledge” when someone was thinking or doing something they shouldn’t, so that he could protect himself and pray for them. It was more than implied that he could “read our thoughts” through God speaking to him, even going as far to warn a new girl one night that he knew what she was thinking about him and that she should stop now. So when I messed up, I knew I needed to tell them. Not just to be held accountable, but because obviously he already knew right? God would’ve definitely told him about my transgressions. I wondered if Jezebel was controlling me the whole time and that’s why I messed up.

At the time, I was on my way to becoming a “prayer warrior”. In the hierarchy of the group, there was the leader and his family members, then prayer warriors, then “catchers” who were basically assistants to prayer warriors. I was a catcher who was almost always paired with the girl I knew from high school who had originally told me about Jezebel. When I told them what I did, I had multiple meetings where I was shamed and berated for what I did. It was clear that my chances at moving up the chain to being a prayer warrior were derailed. After this moment, everything changed. I was no longer part of the family. I was watched and checked up on. I had another 4 hour long deliverance where I once again left in tears, bruised and beaten up physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I believed that my unbearable anxiety and fear after the fact meant that it didn’t work. I wondered if I would ever be rid of these demons. I would get messages asking where I was, accusing me of being with guys or with people drinking, when I was just at home with my family. I remember a time when I was with a friend I had known my whole life making donuts with her and her siblings. I posted a photo with her, and my phone started blowing up with warnings to leave immediately and that they “know what happens at that house”. I had no choice but to tell my friend that I wasn’t allowed to be there and that I had to go. I still regret not standing up to them and allowing them to break down a friendship that meant so much to me.

I was continually told that my relationships outside the group were not biblical, as we were not to fellowship with the world. I was told that my own mother was not a Christian, because she attended a church that was a typical “lukewarm American church”. If I was going to talk to anyone outside of the group, I needed to be inviting them to the prayer meeting or talking about our meetings. It was expected for us to send weekly text messages to everyone in our contacts, inviting them to come. We were expected to post constantly about what “God was doing” and to share the revelation God had given us. People needed to know we were special and that this is where God was- with us.

We were expected to attend every single prayer meeting. There was no excuse for not coming. If you did not come or if you left early, you would be reprimanded. Our schedule was as follows: prayer before church on Sunday, then church, then hang out with the group after church until the prayer meeting that night. Mondays were for our leadership meeting. Tuesdays were for our public prayer meetings. Wednesday was for church youth group. Thursdays was another private prayer meeting. and Fridays and Saturdays were free time as long as you spent your free time with the group or reading your Bible at Starbucks. Our meetings lasted from 6 pm to 11 or 12. If we left before 11, we had to have a good reason. I recall a time where I had to fake having severe stomach issues and say I was planning on going to Urgent Care just to get them off my back. There was no freedom. I remember never wanting to risk being reprimanded for missing a meeting, because it would be utterly humiliating having to step down when I was almost a prayer warrior. I was almost in the main group of leaders, and I couldn’t risk it. It was not about getting closer to God, but being as high up in the group as we could. Everyone wanted to be in the inner circle, first and foremost.

We could not question the authority and revelation of our leader and his family. In fact, no one could. Any church that tried to lead him was rejected unless they completely aligned with his views and allowed him to act as he felt God was leading him. He said he did this because he didn’t want the American church to put out the revival. He didn’t want lukewarm Christians to extinguish the move of God that he was called to run. If you questioned him or his theology, he would talk down to you in a condescending manner and bombard you with bible verses that backed up his warped thinking. People who didn’t support what the ministry believed as truth were lukewarm and persecuting us. There was no room for criticism or critical thinking, only blind submission. Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see the warning signs of allowing a 21 year old newly saved Christian to run an entire ministry made up of primarily young adults.

A few months into my time with this group, two close friends I had in the ministry left. I was consistently warned not to talk to them about how I felt and what was going on, because that was considered “gossip”. Every time I saw them, I was grilled about what I told them and if I gossiped. They knew these people could show me the reality of what was going on, because they had been through it. They had been followed home by leaders to make sure they weren’t lying about where they were going. They had been lead on by men in leadership who were somehow immune to abiding by the rules of not hanging out with the opposite sex one on one. When they spoke out about these things, they were yelled at and ganged up on. They were told it was their fault, reprimanded, and made out to be liars. They knew the tendency of the group to actually gossip about people but pray for them after, so it was okay. If I talked to them about my concerns, I would learn all of these things. I was continually warned that they had “backslid” into sin and into the world, and were no longer people to fellowship with, all because they left the group.

After spending enough time with these friends, I was asked to come for a private meeting about where I was spiritually and my future at becoming a prayer warrior. I was then reprimanded and told I had to step down from even being a catcher because I was “gossiping” and causing division. I was yelled at by two adult men until I was sobbing. I had no advocate, and I had no means of standing up for myself. I had been conditioned to never question their authority and to be obedient no matter what. If I had doubts about anything, that was a demon. I was not allowed to think for myself, so I accepted their punishment and felt true remorse for what I had done.

Though I was asked to step down, I was still expected to be at all of the meetings. Including the meeting that followed immediately after my reprimanding. I was clearly emotional and devastated that I had been asked to step down, but I was told to pretend I was fine. The pressure of being perfect and the reality of my failure hit me all at once, and I began to have a panic attack. I was crying and I couldn’t breathe. I was told that it wasn’t a panic attack, but that I was manifesting a demon. Of course, this only made things worse because I felt like I just couldn’t escape these demons. I was told to leave because I was embarrassing them and causing a scene by crying. I was told to go straight home and to tell no one about what happened, not even my family. I couldn’t drive 30 minutes home in the midst of a panic attack, so I went to my friends home that was 5 minutes away. I spilled to her what happened and without missing a beat, I was called and asked where I was. I told the truth and I was yelled at to leave and reprimanded for gossip again. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I just needed support and I couldn’t get it from the people I was dedicating my life to, and I was forbidden to get it elsewhere. I immediately drove home out of fear of getting kicked out forever.

Following that event, I continued to walk on eggshells. I was constantly being told how to act and what I could and could not say, and I did my best to stay obedient. I just wanted to have a place where I fit and I just didn’t fit. I was miserable. I felt alone. I felt like there was no escaping the darkness that seemed to have a hold on my life. I realized that I couldn’t win with these people, and I began to stop caring at all. I spent more time with my friends who had left, and I didn’t try to build stronger bonds with those still involved. If I can’t fit in with them, and I can’t get rid of my demons, why even try?

It all came to an end six months after it had begun. I decided to attend a birthday party for a friend’s son and I let my leaders know that I would not be attending the prayer meeting because I was busy. I received a barrage of text messages. When I didn’t answer a phone call, I was threatened and told to come to the meeting immediately. I couldn’t do it anymore. I finally felt the peace I so desperately wanted, and I realized that I needed to put this chapter of my life behind me. I replied that I would not be attending and that I was done. Throughout the night, my phone was going off with messages about me throwing my eternity away and turning my back on God. I did my best to respectfully let everyone know that I needed to walk with God on my own now, and that is what I did. I’m so grateful that God gave me the strength to walk away.

I later learned that all of my personal business was public knowledge in the group. My past and present sins were topics of conversation. My whereabouts were always known whether it was through someone innocently asking what I was up to today, keeping tabs on my social media, or demanding I tell them where I am and what I am doing. I learned that the girl I thought cared about me and forgave me from high school had poisoned the other members against me before I even attended. She threw screaming crying fits demanding that the other girls stand between me and the leader so that “Jezebel” couldn’t get to him. She asked my friends for information on me to get me in trouble. She wanted me assigned as her catcher so that she could keep an eye on me. And she seemed to have planned to exclude me under the guise of teaching me and helping me.

It took me years to work out who God really was to me. I still lie awake at night worrying about my salvation and if I’m still oppressed by demons. The wounds created by this ministry have taken years to heal. I wondered why I couldn’t just be accepted as I was and why my desire to grow and change was always questioned. I know now that God is bigger than the box I was taught to put him in.

I eventually chose to research cults and what they really were. Were they always bearded men living on a commune with a bunch of hippie girls? Were cults only the small groups with made up religions who take part in suicide pacts? What I found resonated with me on the deepest level.

Here are warning signs of a cult from https://carm.org/signs-practices-of-a-cult:

Submission:

Complete, almost unquestioned trust in the leadership. Leaders are often seen as prophets, apostles, or special individuals with unusual connections to God. This helps a person give themselves over psychologically to trusting someone else for their spiritual welfare. Increased submission to the leadership is rewarded with additional responsibilities and/or roles, and/or praises, increasing the importance of the person within the group.

Exclusivity

Their group is the only true religious system, or one of the few true remnants of God's people.

Persecution complex

Us against them mentality. Therefore, when someone (inside or outside of the group) corrects the group in doctrine and/or behavior, it is interpreted as persecution, which then is interpreted as validation.

Control

Control of members' actions and thinking through repeated indoctrination and/or threats of loss of salvation, or a place to live, or receiving curses from God, etc.

Isolation

Minimizing contact of church members with those outside the group. This facilitates a further control over the thinking and practices of the members by the leadership.

Love Bombing

Showing great attention and love to a person in the group by others in the group, to help transfer emotional dependence to the group.

Special Knowledge

Instructions and/or knowledge are sometimes said to be received by a leader(s) from God. This leader then informs the members. The Special Knowledge can be received through visions, dreams, or new interpretations of sacred scriptures such as the Bible.

Indoctrination

The teachings of the group are repeatedly drilled into the members, but the indoctrination usually occurs around Special Knowledge.

Salvation

Salvation from the judgment of God is maintained through association and/or submission with the group, its authority, and/or its Special Knowledge.

Group Think

The group's coherence is maintained by the observance to policies handed down from those in authority. There is an internal enforcement of policies by members who reward "proper" behavior, and those who perform properly are rewarded with further inclusion and acceptance by the group.

Cognitive Dissonance

Avoidance of critical thinking and/or maintaining logically impossible beliefs and/or beliefs that are inconsistent with other beliefs held by the group. Avoidance of and/or denial of any facts that might contradict the group's belief system.

Shunning

Those who do not keep in step with group policies are shunned and/or expelled.

Gender Roles

Control of gender roles and definitions. Severe control of gender roles sometimes leads to sexual exploitation.

Appearance Standards

Often a common appearance is required and maintained. For instance, women might wear prairie dresses, and/or their hair in buns, and/or no makeup, and/or the men might all wear white short-sleeved shirts, and/or without beards, or all wear beards.

If you are or one of your loved ones are involved in a group or ministry that has these characteristics, do not be afraid to speak out and step away. Remember that God is not always the way that people make Him out to be, and that not everyone who claims to represent Him actually does. People are not always malicious either, but that is why it is so important for us to learn to give and receive criticism and to be held accountable for how we treat others and how we go about representing Jesus.

While this experience was scary and painful for me, I can say I’m so grateful for everything I learned. Everything I have been through has made me who I am now. I am proud to be bold and to stand up against injustice. Had I never been through this experience, I would still be the timid submissive person I was. I wouldn’t be able to see the warning signs of spiritual abuse, and I wouldn’t be able to share my experience with others.

I’m grateful that I chose to stick with my walk with God and not let my experience shape the way I view Him, or the way I view other Christians. Had I not been through this, I would not be able to see the kindness and love that so many Christians have to offer. Had I turned my back on God, I would have never met my husband. I wouldn’t have my life, family, and testimony of what God can do. I am an example of His ability to work things out for His good.