Who hasn't dreamed in vain of looking like Gisele Bündchen or Tom Brady? Now you can at least eat like them, as they have a personal chef/diet guru tending to their every last caloric need, and he dished to the Boston Globe last week the details of the genetically blessed couple's eating plan. Allen Campbell has designed the Brady-Bündchen diet to be plant-based, organic, gluten-free, GMO-free, sugar-free, caffeine-free, flour-free, pepper-free, mushroom-free, tomato-free, and dairy-free.

I don't recommend the pizza at the Brady household.

Patriots fans, I'm a native Bostonian. I've stumbled through a few riots in the middle of Kenmore Square after the Patriots had won the Super Bowl, and I even have a Red Sox tattoo. My Boston sports nuttery is strong…

But Tom Brady is on a bullshit diet.

Campbell has managed to fit in every single piece of dietary insanity on the planet into one meal plan. It's borderline impressive how someone can cram so much non-scientifically based information, fear-mongering of healthy foods, and just plain old bullshit into one neatly tied, organically wrapped package. Yes, the diet may sound healthy, given that it's loaded up on fruits and vegetables. But it also cuts out so much food that it's composed of more air than fiber. Do you have to do all that to be healthy? Let's parse through this hodgepodge of dietary insanity.

Organic, GMO-Free Bullshit

Campbell told the Globe that he makes "conscious decisions to buy local and organic." What comes to mind when you see an organic label on a package? That the product can heal you of ailments that conventional ones caused? That a small farmer nurtured all the individual leaves into a state of health? That there's something magic in the organic farming that makes your food healthier?

Let's clear up a few things about "organic" products and agriculture.

Are conventionally grown crops in any way responsible for asthma, eczema, acne, cancer, or a variety of ailments that organic advocates claim that organic ranch-dipped gluten-free kale can heal? No .

Are organic foods a better source of nutrition? Nope .

What happens when you go organic? Mainly, your grocery bill goes up. You also have to deal with the pain-in-the-ass shoppers at Whole Foods , and your friends might start to think you're a pretentious jerk, all for food that's no healthier .

The difference between organic and conventional is mainly the types of pesticides that are allowed to be used. Were you under the impression that organic food was produced without pesticides? That's a common misconception from how organic proponents talk about their farming standards and not using synthetic pesticides, but pay careful attention to the language.

Have you noticed that organic produce is not advertised as "pesticide-free?" It's because they have to kill the bugs and weeds somehow, and it's not through happy thoughts and yoga.

The pesticides in organic farming are generally derived from natural sources. For example, bacillus thuringiensis may sound familiar because it's used in some genetically modified crops , but it's an all-natural bacteria. As shown in this video by an organic farmer, it's used and approved for organic gardening (and if it's fine for organic, you probably shouldn't worry too much when it's used in conventional farming). And rotenone , derived from the jicama plant, is an insecticide and a piscicide. It's much more toxic than the commonly demonized pesticide Round Up , linked to Parkinson's disease , and all natural.

And a reminder from George Carlin, "Dog shit is natural. It's just not real good food."

But speaking of bacillus thuringiensis and Round Up, let's tackle another "unnatural ingredient" Campbell's banished from Tom and Gisele's diet: GMOs. Campbell won't use them, claiming it's an effort to "think about the future of the planet and the future of humans."

More accurately, It's probably because he's seen that picture of the tomato with the fish sticking out of it. Because that's absolutely what's happening behind closed doors at Monsanto. They're totally making jokes from The Simpsons into a thing.

(No, they're not.)

But what does a NON-GMO label tell you about the nutritional content of the food?

Not much.

Transgenic breeding, i.e. genetic modification, allows us to very precisely produce crops that can withstand diseases. Often people think this involves spraying an excess of pesticides and "dousing" crops with Round Up, but this demonstrates a drastic lack of understanding both about farming in general and why GMOs are used . Because of GMOs, the Hawaiian papaya crop was modified to inoculate it from the ringspot virus, saving the Hawaiian papaya . In some cases, like golden rice , GMOS are used to modify plants to include life-saving nutrients. GM cotton and corn have drastically reduced spraying of certain pesticides and GM alfalfa allows us spray a much less toxic pesticide than we used to. These crops are rigorously tested for safety in ways that conventionally grown crops never have been, down to the very last gene.

So why the fuss about GMOs? Because people see the picture of the fish sticking out of the tomato. Or they think there's an evil scientist trying to destroy their kid's DNA. Or they watched a Netflix documentary and now they're obviously an expert on farming.

To assuage all your fears, I would like to remind you that Spider-Man is not a documentary. Coming in contact with GMOs will not deflate your DNA's balls. It will just give you a source of calories and a product that's been proven safe and works exceptionally well for farmers.

We do know one thing about people who arbitrarily choose not to eat GMOs. They've probably never been starving.

Gluten Will Not Make Your Dick Fly Off

I've seen a "gluten-free" label on a bottle of bubble bath. Which is great because I've been on the market for a bubble bath chaser to go with my scotch.

Campbell says that they "stick to gluten free for everything" in the Brady household. Because there's some bullshit that it's toxic or it makes your dick fly off . Well, we think. If we even know what gluten is .

Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye. The protein that provides that wonderful chewy texture in everything from bread to cookies is clearly dangerous because it tastes good. For most people, never mind harmless, it's a nourishing component of a balanced diet. Wheat provides about 20 percent of the world's calories and 100 percent of every pizza crust that I can't eat.

And why? I have celiac disease , an autoimmune condition in which you not only annoy everyone around you when choosing a restaurant, but your immune system attacks your small intestine when you consume gluten. Only about 1 percent of people have it. Your body can't absorb nutrients due to the erosion of your intestinal wall, which in many cases leads to very unhealthy weight loss .

Note, this does not mean that going gluten-free, for anybody without celiac disease, will change their weight or in any way affect their health. This is like giving up peanuts because someone else has a peanut allergy. Because gluten sensitivity isn't a thing .

"Gluten-free" is not synonymous with "healthy." A package of anything is still, well, a packaged food. You're probably not looking at an apple. Gluten-free pizza is still goddamn pizza, and given that the crust is not all that great, it's smothered with things that give it enough calories to feed a midsize army of kittens. Ditto gluten-free brownies or really gluten-free anything. If you don't have celiac disease, just eat something with some goddamn flavor.

Sugar-Free … Salt-Free … Flavor-Free...

"No white sugar. No white flour. No MSG. I'll use raw olive oil, but I never cook with olive oil. I only cook with coconut oil. Fats like canola oil turn into trans fats.... I use Himalayan pink salt as the sodium. I never use iodized salt (...) Sugar is the death of people."

Campbell must have attended the Food Babe's school of "I heard a chemical on the internet that I can't pronounce so it's bad." To Campbell, I recommend learning how to pronounce chemicals. Because science is a thing.

His reasoning to remove sugar because of its link to the body's acidity level? Pure bullshit. It was propositioned by alternative health guru Robert O. Young of pH Miracle Living that acidity, linked to diet and sugar intake, causes all disease. But given that Young got his diplomas from a diploma mill and his theory about this is completely unproven since the body's pH is more or less static (the blood's pH level hovers at about 7.35), we're going to not try to change your body's pH with some alkalizing cleanse . You shouldn't load up on sugar, but his reasoning is that "sugar is the death of people" is a hyperbolic turd in your pumpkin-spiced punchbowl.

One would think he didn't have to specify "no white flour" when he said they were gluten-free, but this is the super-secret, ultra-gluten-free club for models and quarterbacks. And no MSG? Why would you remove an essential flavoring for authentic Asian cuisine? And really, why would you buy into a notion that turns out to have minimal science, if any, to back the stigma against it ? MSG is fine in moderation.

Is there any good reason not to cook with olive oil? It has a low smoke point and more of a flavor than most vegetable oils, so it's not always optimal oil to cook with, but this doesn't mean it's any worse for your health on the stovetop than any other oil. It's baffling that Campbell opts to swap olive oil out for coconut oil, a saturated fat that's solid at room temperature. Moving from an oil that's liquid to solid can change the property of your final product, especially of baked goods. However, given Campbell's clear lack of concern for things like science or flavor in preparing food, we can ignore this and just point out that coconut oil has some health benefits but isn't a miracle . As for his claim that canola oil turns into trans fat, that's overblown , at best and disingenuous at worst. And remember, this is all arguing which highly concentrated source of calories to add to your food.

To flavor his coconut fat, Campbell adds pink Himalayan salt because of course he refuses to use iodized salt. Harriet Hall, the SkepDoc, writes about the alleged health benefits of the minerals found in Himalayan salt at Science Based Medicine :

I found a website that reports the results of a spectral analysis of Himalayan salt. I think this is where the claim comes from. Even if this analysis is accurate, it is meaningless for health and if anything is worrisome. The amount of minerals in it is too minuscule to make any difference, and we already get plenty of the same trace minerals from other foods. They claim that two double-blind studies were done, but no such studies are listed in PubMed. There is no evidence published in peer-reviewed journals that replacing white salt with pink salt makes a shred of difference or leads to any improvement in health. If you read down the list of minerals, you will notice that it includes a number of radioactive substances like radium, uranium, and polonium. It also includes substances that act as poisons, like thallium. I wouldn't be worried, since the amounts are so small; but if anyone believes the trace amounts of "good" minerals in Himalayan sea salt are good for you, why not believe the trace amounts of poisons and radioactive elements are bad for you?

I always order my salt with a hint of enriched uranium.

WAIT, NO. No I don't. I get it enriched with iodine because that prevents thyroid problems. Iodized salt has eliminated thyroid problems in all parts of the world where people have access to it. Does Campbell think they're healthier in developing parts of the Himalayan mountains where they may have access to their native pink salt mines but not iodized salt?

He'd be wrong, because Himalayan salt isn't even from the Himalayan Mountains. It's from the Khewra Salt Mine in Pakistan , about 300 miles away. They couldn't even name the stuff right. Do you think it does much more than bring out the flavors in your GMO-free, E. Coli-laden zillion-calorie bombs ?

"Plant-based" … Including Meat, Minus Half the Plants

"I'm very cautious about tomatoes. They cause inflammation. ... No coffee. No caffeine. No fungus. No dairy." Campbell's food rules are all over the map, removing plants from the nightshade family because of their potential for inflammation, sugar because he thinks it causes the body to become "acidic, and that causes disease," and coffee because … he hates his employers and wants them to be miserable.

Well, let's just go down the list, shall we?

There is no reason to think that any of these foods should come out of someone's diet unless they were causing someone physical distress. "Cautious" about tomatoes? He might get this from the notion because tomatoes are in the nightshade family and it's rumored that they can cause inflammation, but this is fairly bunk . Tomatoes are a nutritional powerhouse, packed with beta-carotene, vitamin E, vitamin C, and their high amount of lycopene is linked to a reduced risk of pancreatic cancer . At one point in the Middle Ages, the tomato was thought to be poisonous , but that's because when they were cooked, their high acidity leached lead from the plates, causing lead poisoning. We now know not to use lead in our cookware, and most of us — except Chef Campbell — know not to take our medical advice from five centuries ago.

No coffee or caffeine? Moderate coffee consumption is actually linked with low risk for cardiovascular problems, according to a recent study of over a million participants . And yes, indeed, that coffee was caffeinated. You shouldn't gorge on caffeine because it's definitely one of those "moderation" substances, but we're finding evidence all the time that the stuff is really healthy (and maybe has probably prevented a few office fights). Just don't turn it into a milkshake .

And what about forgoing dairy? Campbell has it on his list of things not to eat, along with most foods. This is after taking a course on nutrition from Dr. T. Colin Campbell, author of The China Study (no relation between Campbells). Allen Campbell developed the opinion from this course that a plant-based diet has the power to "reverse and prevent disease," so dairy is out.

But wait a kale-picking minute.

Fortified dairy is an excellent source of readily adsorbed calcium, protein, potassium, and vitamin D. Consuming dairy in moderation in your diet can prevent bone fractures, which I'd imagine is important for things like walking runways or being tackled head-on at Gillette Stadium. The only people for whom dairy should be absolutely avoided are people who are lactose intolerant or have a dairy allergy. Though there is evidence that some adults experience a drop in the amount of lactase enzyme in their systems (to become slightly lactose intolerant), this does not mean that dairy is evil for everyone. Complete lactose intolerance can be easily determined with a simple test at a doctor's office or by noticing that you can fill a small hot air balloon rectally after eating Ben and Jerry's. However, for most people? It's definitely part of a healthy diet. If Campbell is trying to prevent disease for his clients, he should be building a better helmet , not taking dairy out of a quarterback's diet.

An Insanely Restrictive Diet + Flawless Genetics = Looking Good

Notice that Gisele was gorgeous and Brady won a few Super Bowls way before this glorified hipster took over the cooking duties in their household? It's because their abilities and looks have very little to do with his cooking as they were probably eating healthy diets before he showed up. Their diet now does sound fairly healthy, even if some of the more delicious things in life are removed. A diet loaded up on healthy grains, vegetables, fruits, and some lean meat sounds like a good one. However, the arbitrary rules are absolutely not necessary, and all it's doing is showing that they have a lot of money to throw around on turning food into a game.

How do you eat a healthy diet? The basic advice still stands. Get your fruits and vegetables (conventional, organic, frozen, and fresh are all fine). Whether you eat meat or not, get enough protein to support muscle growth and repair. Get enough carbs to fuel your activity level. If you're not sure how much of all of this you should eat, talk to your doctor and a registered dietitian, but not a chef who arbitrarily cuts out food groups.

As much as you want to look like Tom and Gisele, remember, that's genetically coded. Boston's golden couple could step away from their nutty diet and still be absolutely healthy and beautiful. You can't eat your way into looking like the model and quarterback next door, but you can say no to their bullshit.

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