Welcome to SOTU, 2020’s brand new gameshow! It’s like Oprah or Ellen except the star is a straight white man and most of the real beneficiaries will be too! We have a really great show planned for you tonight, folks! You won’t believe the prizes, the intrigue, the ups and downs! You will laugh and you will cry! The best is yet to come!

That was the feel of Trump’s State of the Union speech tonight, delivered as it was in this brave new world where it’s perfectly normal for a president to stand up and declare the union “stronger than ever before” 24 hours before he faces an impeachment vote in the Senate. Come and watch the orange man in a red tie and his vice president, who gave so many standing ovations during the excessively long speech that he gave the impression of a jack-in-the-box powered by sycophancy. Come and see wealthy, conservative men in expensive suits jump out of their seats to applaud for a “blue-collar boom”. Watch again as they boo “the previous administration” while the Speaker of the House, wearing the same pin she used during the House’s impeachment on her white suit jacket, shakes her head after having her handshake refused by the president.

Come and watch a promise to “ban late-term abortion” announced minutes after the leader of the free world cynically introduces the teary mother of a small child born at 21 weeks’ gestation. Come and watch Donald Trump take personal credit for inventing gentrification when he claims that “wealthy people are pouring money into poor neighborhoods” in the “first time these communities have seen anything like this”. Come and watch a billionaire snowflake with a victim complex and a miniature American flag claim that “for many years we were treated unfairly on trade” because of “China’s massive theft of America’s jobs” which they were “getting away with year after year, decade after decade”. Truly, it has to be seen to be believed.

If you think it’s cynical and audacious for the president to bring a single mother and her young daughter to a State of the Union address to illustrate how Democrats are apparently failing in their state, then fine. But at least wait until the final reveal — the one where the president says: “Tonight we can exclusively reveal you will be going to the school of your choice!” to a confused eight-year-old who’s been waiting for a scholarship in Philadelphia. Nothing beats watching that awkward, awkward moment play out. Nothing at all.

Or does it? Wait, because there’s more. There’s a young family — a mother called Amy and her two children — being introduced to the floor because her husband is currently on deployment. The president just wants to thank her for being part of a military family that makes sacrifices on behalf of America. Actually, he doesn’t just want to thank her. He wants to announce that “we have your husband right here and we’re bringing him out!” Amy’s two small children, caught up in the clapping and the Republicans unironically chanting “USA, USA!” look stunned as their father appears in uniform. The little boy mouths, “Daddy?” Yes, Donald Trump has paid to have this prize delivered to them in front of the cameras. Will he pay for the years of therapy this will likely necessitate? Who cares?! USA, USA!

Then there are, of course, the mentions of Space Force; the promise to put the first woman on the moon; the claims that “unlike so many before me, I keep my promises”; the “true and real president of Venezuela, Juan Guaido” forced to stand and nod for a long, uncomfortable few minutes to Trump can segue into a rant about how “socialism destroys countries” and Democrats are socialists who will take away your healthcare. Everyone can be a player in the Trump 2020 campaign: an exiled Venezuelan politician, a two-year-old born prematurely, Brett Kavanaugh, Rush Limbaugh, those “illegal alien criminals” who just keep shooting people, Hunter Biden. All Trumpworld’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players (well, except women at eight months’ gestation with dead fetuses in their wombs. But who cares about them?!)

And he wouldn’t let you go without playing some of his greatest hits, either. The wall is back! (‘We have now completed over 100 miles and have over 500 miles completed in a very short amount of time, so by next year we will have 500 miles completed,” FYI. That’s creative math.) Space Force is going to make your child an astronaut! “The best is yet to come”! Nancy Pelosi will hand out a special treat at the end: signed shredded pieces of the speech made by the 45th president to the United States of America.