Dirtbag Romeo and Juliet

DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.

(TYBALT is using BENVOLIO’S own hands to smack him in the face)

TYBALT: stop hitting yourself

stop hitting yourself

(BENVOLIO manages to retract all but his middle fingers)

TYBALT: hey

fuck you man

that’s not cool

ROMEO throws himself facedown on BENVOLIO’S bed

BENVOLIO: what’s the matter

ROMEO: you wouldn’t understand

BENVOLIO: then get off my bed

ROMEO (muffled): no

ROMEO: I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN

BENVOLIO: do you want to go out

would that make you feel better

ROMEO: NO

god

you never understand anything

BENVOLIO: ok sorry

ROMEO: wait

lets go out though

LADY CAPULET: juliet the party already started

get dressed and come downstairs

JULIET (smoking): youre a fascist

i dont go downstairs with fascists

LADY CAPULET: would it kill you to put on something nice

and be polite for five minutes

JULIET (smoking two cigarettes): yes

MERCUTIO: what if fairies

had midwives

ROMEO: lol what

MERCUTIO: what if she taught people how to have sex

ROMEO: what

ROMEO: hi

JULIET: hi

i dont even want to be here

i fucking hate my parents

ROMEO: that’s cool

JULIET: do you want to get out of here

(ROMEO climbs behind Juliet on her Vespa)

ROMEO [OS]: sick

JULIET: we should get married

ROMEO: okay

JULIET: thatll show em

ROMEO: when

JULIET: i dont give a shit

like right now

ROMEO: hell yeah

(in bed)

ROMEO: I wish I were a bird

JULIET: do you want to have sex again

ROMEO: yes

ROMEO: wait how old are you even

JULIET: how old are you

ROMEO: fair enough

LADY CAPULET: so what do you think of Paris

He really seems to like you

JULIET: WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING MURDER ME ALREADY

YOU FASCIST

JULIET: help me sneak out tonight

im gettin married

then im gettin laid

NURSE (stubs out cigarette): fuckin HELL YEAH

(ROMEO and JULIET stand outside a church)

ROMEO: I want to get married

FRIAR LAURENCE: Who is this

ROMEO: who is who

FRIAR LAURENCE: where is rosaline

ROMEO: who the fuck is rosaline

(MERCUTIO is dying)

MERCUTIO: fuck

this is so fucking gay dude

ROMEO: fuck this

MERCUTIO: this is so fucking gay

(He dies)

NURSE: why don’t you just marry Paris too

JULIET: what

NURSE: two for the price of one

you could nail em both

double patty on a single bun

JULIET: what

JULIET: wheres tybalt

ROMEO: who

JULIET: my cousin tybalt

ROMEO (hides bloody sword): who fuckin cares

he was a fascist anyway

let’s run away

JULIET: okay

where

ROMEO: wherever you want

JULIET: do you know what I think would be super romantic

ROMEO: what

JULIET: if we drank poison together

ROMEO: yeah

okay yeah

JULIET: hell yeah

you go first babe

Artwork by Rob VonRamm.