Following days of speculation that Republican vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence might resign in the wake of a video showing Donald Trump bragging about groping women against their will, Pence today made it clear that he is committed to riding the Trump train all the way to the end. With only 30 days remaining in the long national nightmare that is this campaign cycle, and as more Republicans are abandoning Trump by the minute, we wondered what the GOP nominee would have to do to shake his running mate’s faith.

Scenario: Trump appears at a campaign speech in Ohio sporting a Hitler mustache.

Would Pence quit? While initially upset, Pence would eventually cave after hearing spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway tell MSNBC’s Morning Joe that Donald was actually sporting a Michael Jordan mustache.

Scenario: On Halloween, Trump is caught distributing candy laden with poison to children.

Would Pence quit? Pence would be thrilled to see Donald subverting what the conservative Christian candidate views as a harmful pagan tradition.

Scenario: A former maintenance worker at Trump Tower reveals that from 1989 to 1991 Trump kept someone caged in his basement.

Would Pence quit? Not as long as the hostage was a homosexual man or a woman.

Scenario: It is revealed that in 2009, visitors from another planet arrived on Earth to deliver a cure for all disease that also slows ageing and revives dead pets. Teleporting to a random spot on the planet, they materialized in the penthouse of Trump Tower and excitedly explained their mission to the future Republican presidential nominee, who killed the leader of the expedition with a crossbow and drove the visitors back to their home planet.

Would Pence quit? Pence would be delighted if this happened, as the visitors’ plan to cure all disease contradicts God’s plan for us all and Donald’s actions show his passion and consistency when it comes to aliens, regardless of their world of origin.

Scenario: Trump appears on Meet the Press and urinates on Chuck Todd’s leg.

Would Pence quit? Pence would release a statement claiming that Trump probably mistook Todd for a fire hydrant due to his small stature and red hair. When pressed to explain why Trump would think a fire hydrant was on the Meet the Press set and why he would choose to urinate on one, Pence simply responds #MAGA.

Scenario: Trump and his son Eric are caught digging up Alexander Hamilton’s grave.

Would Pence quit? Pence would appear alongside Trump in a video explaining that the exhumation of one of America’s founding fathers was no more disgraceful than liberals’ attempts to claim the leaders of the American revolution were black and Hispanic via the medium of a Broadway show.

Scenario: Trump finally releases his tax information, revealing that in 2014 he donated $1m to Isis.



Would Pence quit? Pence would claim that the donation was taken out of context. When pushed to contextualize it, Pence would say Donald never made the donation in the first place, chuckling.

Scenario: While campaigning alongside Trump in Arizona, Pence notices that one of the candidate’s opening tunes is by Elton John.

Would Pence quit? Pence would resign from the campaign immediately.

