When the disease takes over us, we lose full control over our mind and enter the battlefield with our demons. We need support from our loved ones even if we deny it.

But if the people who surround us will add fuel to the fire, the process of recovery to normal life will be much harder.

Based on my own experience and thousands of conversations with other people with mental illnesses, I’ll try to describe the main features of the depression. It’ll help to determine how close people should behave towards a person suffering from the disease.

However, let’s agree that the first thing a person with mental problems and his loved ones should recognize is the existence of the problem. That means to stop treating yourself (your relative or friend) as a completely healthy person.

From my side of the battlefield

When dark approaches, I don’t behave like the most courageous soldier surrounded by enemies on the battlefield: I lie down and pretend to be dead. This tactic leads to a loss in battle but gives me a chance to save my life. It makes no sense to fight the enemy or run away from him if the enemy is literally everywhere.

In other words, I know that if I decide to go somewhere during my bad days, it will be pointless. I know also that for society I would be useless too because I don’t have the energy to do anything, so I’m not likely to be productive anywhere anyway. That’s why during this period of time I take time off work whenever possible and miss classes at the University.

This is my “not-the-most-courageous-soldier-tactic”.

I once heard one person say to another: “You just need to leave the house more often and there will be no depression”. I will agree with it only when the cancer patient will be cured only from walking in the fresh air or going to another city.

Someone might say that it is irresponsible and that I’m just lazy. But you know what? I will not even answer to this statement while I’m in the dark period of life. Because during this period I have no desire to speak. I have no desire to analyze my actions from the point of view of imaginary correctness. I have no desire to exist.

So I’m alone with my demons and the darkness is starting to fill my head, my eyes, my noise, my ears… until it swallows me whole.

From your side of the battlefield

The right support

Actually, doing no harm is appreciated even more than help. Unfortunately, in most cases our loved ones make the situation worse with their inept attempts of supporting.

Depressed people become more sensitive and vulnerable than usual. Probably it will seem to you that you support the person with the so called “motivational” phrase: “Stop whining, get yourself together and finally start doing something!”.But we know that the depressive state of the mind eliminates the passionate desire to “start doing something” and it doesn’t depend on the person at all. So with the help of such “words of support” a person with mental problems can only become angry with himself for being powerless.

All your loved one needs in this time is to hear the words of love, they need to know that you love them unconditionally and that you don’t judge them for having this illness. Keep motivational speeches for better times. It’s okay not to be okay.



Understanding

Obviously, most people suffering from depression as a rule shut themselves in. That’s why relatives and friends should not be offended by the fact that a person talks to them a lot less during this period and ask: “Why are you often so quite/ sad / angry / unhappy” and other similar questions that make the person think he is not okay.

In my personal case, I often cannot say a word physically when I’m depressed. This is not because I don’t like my loved ones. It happens because my depression is almost always accompanied by depersonalization. It means I totally don’t feel myself. This state is like a trance in which it seems extremely hard to maintain any external dialogue.

Although in depression a person is focused on his inner life, sometimes outbreaks of aggression can occur. By the way, this is another reason why some depressive people alienate themselves from others. It is the fear of saying something that will hurt their loved ones, worsen the situation and the disease accordingly.

From time to time these outbursts of anger happen and the closest people of the person will need lots of patience not to respond to anger with anger. Just remember that the disease is the one thing controlling your loved one on such days.

Don’t blame

I described my tactic in several words – “endure the period”. Almost always I’m left alone with myself and do not go anywhere where I need to play any social role. In my case, this is necessary for a more “easy” flow of a difficult period. I pause my outer life. If your loved one also decided to move away from their normal activities and take a pause, don’t blame him for being lazy.



Even if you cannot understand or just cannot believe in existence of mental diseases, this is hardly the reason to hurt your dearest person by blaming him of lying and pretending. This may be the reason to learn more about mental health. This may be the reason to learn understanding. This may be the reason to love.