You shouldn’t have Googled that, you’re on a list now. And I really hope you didn’t read anything that came up. Knowing anything at all about the Illuminati is very risky – first because they will suspect you are on to them and track you down ruthlessly, and second because you could accidentally end up mentioning some of these facts in conversation, meaning you will never be taken seriously ever again.

So it is at great personal risk and solely to protect you, the reader, that I will try to complete this article leaving you entirely “knowledge neutral”. Here is everything you need:

What is the Illuminati?

It is a powerful and savagely guarded organisation that secretly controls the entire modern world, probably while wearing cloaks. It has done this mainly through infiltrating the media and brainwashing everybody. It could be doing it right now.

Alternately, it is one of the world’s most persistent conspiracy theories. Persistent because, unlike the piffling conspiracy theories on the 1969 moon landings, John F Kennedy’s assassination, and 9/11, which limit themselves with regard to space and time, Illuminati enthusiasts believe that something is up with everything ever, which as it turns out is very hard to disprove.

When was it founded?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Could the Queen really be an ancient lizard? Photograph: Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images

The Illuminati has existed since the dawn of time. Its insignia can be seen on the pyramids, its influence was evident around the life of Christ, and their top bananas – such as for example the Queen – are in fact ancient lizards dating from an era before man existed (a belief that often comes with some rather unpleasant antisemitic underpinnings). Alternately, it was founded in Bavaria on 1 May 1776, by a man called Adam Weishaupt, who couldn’t afford the Freemason admission fee. His society – The Order of the Illuminati – grew from five members to thousands in just a few years, but then, after Karl Theodor became ruler of Bavaria, secret societies were made punishable by death, and there the order ended.

What is it trying to do?

The Illuminati: the secret society pulling the strings of every major organisation in the world Read more

It wants nothing less than to establish a new world order – over which an authoritarian gang of elites would rule, and under which nation states would be banished. Alternately, it is part of a fight against fake news, which began in the 1960s. A journalist for Playboy magazine called Robert Anton Wilson, along with a writer called Kerry Thornley, who had written a jokey text on the Illuminati, decided that the world was becoming too authoritarian, and one way to shake that up would be to get people to start questioning what they read.

They started sending in fake letters from readers talking about a secret organisation called the Illuminati. They would then send in more letters, contradicting these claims. They hoped that these contrary points of view would get people to view the news a little more sceptically. Instead everyone just got very excited about the Illuminati, and the myth spread worldwide.

Who is in the Illuminati?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest The Eye of Providence on the US $1 bill has interpreted as being associated with Freemasonry and the Illuminati. Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Katy Perry, Beyoncé, Jay Z, Madonna, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Rihanna. Yes, the music industry in fact controls the planet, via, we must assume, the rise of free music-streaming services, which are rapidly causing their own demise. It’s a very clever cover-up.

Alternately, none of these people are in the Illuminati, because, rather than sending hooded figures to deal with pesky internet writers who put it about, they deliberately encourage the rumours. Madonna, for example, released a single titled Illuminati, claiming in an interview with Rolling Stone that she knew who the “real Illuminati” were. Beyoncé puts references in her lyrics (In Formation: “Y’all haters corny with that Illuminati mess”), Katy Perry once admitted she believed in aliens. Or maybe they’re double bluffing.

How many people believe in the Illuminati?

According to a 2013 poll of US voters by Public Policy Polling (a Democrat-leaning polling firm), 28%. Something to ponder.

• Martha Gill is a columnist at the New Statesman, where she writes about politics, culture and neuroscience