Coal speculators have learned that punching unsuspecting strangers and hanging acres-big stockings from their fireplaces won't earn them coal from Santa.

Coal speculators have learned that punching unsuspecting strangers and hanging acres-big stockings from their fireplaces won't earn them coal from Santa. AFP Photo / VASILY MAXIMOV

COAL stock and derivatives holders were desperate for a spot on Santa's naughty list in the hope of a Christmas of delivery of coal.

Inside sources have indicated that executives hoped Santa would help the industry by bringing more coal that they could then on-sell to China.

Reports of coal industry executives Googling "how to be naughty" have been largely dismissed as rumour by Environment Minister Meg Slaughter.

"I haven't heard such nonsense in my entire time in Parliament," she told Frisky Business.

"Nobody in the coal industry would have any trouble being naughty.

"This isn't on the record is it?"

An offer earlier this month by Tony Abbott for Australia to aid Ukraine's power crisis by supplying coal and uranium fell apart as President Putin snuffed a lit cigar on the front of Abbott's shirt.

"He doesn't even smoke cigars," one Russian staffer said.

The rumours of coal industry naughtiness began after an executive claiming to work for Coal Uranium Mines was found by police with his hand caught in the petty-cash tin of an orphanage.

"These executives need to understand that Santa doesn't bring coal to naughty adults," Snr Sgt Elven Carpenter said at a press conference.

"Sure, kids might get a lump in their stocking for bad grades or attending a Greens fundraiser but this spate of underwear thefts needs to stop.

"I'd hate to see what kind of mischief they'd be up to had the Carbon Tax not been repealed."

Notice

The Boxing Day Bingo Banquet has been postponed until next Wednesday to ensure a reduction in the number of homeless attending.

Frisky Business is a satire column. It is not real. Sue me and I will only come back famous.