Dear dudes, Why is it that when something bad happens we say, "That sucks dick."? Or when somebody is bad at something we say, "He sucks dick at ____."? There is also the "This blows" variation, which, while it leaves out the word "dick," is nonetheless referring to the same thing. Guys do this the most. I do it myself daily. But no more! Fellow males, we gotta stop painting dick sucking in such a negative light. It's counterproductive to what we all want. Our dicks sucked. We routinely get pissed off and scream “Suck my dick!” at people. Yet we never scream “Have sex with me!” or “Nibble on my neck!” (Though that would be hilarious.) Lousy subtext here, guys. If I were an alien visitor, witnessing an average barroom screaming match, I’d logically assume that in Earth culture there was absolutely nothing worse than having to put a penis in your mouth. Sure, as a heterosexual male this idea doesn’t sit well with me, but why generate such hate around the action? I don’t want to kiss dudes either, yet I never scream “Kiss me!” to my adversaries or say “I just saw Transformers 2, man that movie totally made out with me.” And the problem here is quickly evolving.

"This sucks balls" has fast become an expression too. Come on, guys, women hear us say this shit! Surely it sinks into their subconscious. It’s hard enough as it is finding a girl who willing shows your nuts the attention they deserve. We don’t need to compound the problem. Yes, some dudes do get off on demeaning ladies. But they’re an asshole minority. Most of us are respectfully grateful for the blowjobs we receive. We just need to wise up. It’s fun to tell someone to suck your nuts, but when you actually think of getting your junk mouthed, do happy emotions rise up? Or do you really think about forcing someone you hate to blow you? Fellas, we need to rebrand dick sucking. When something good happens, say that sucks dick. When someone does something nice for you, say with a smile, “Suck my dick!” Great game last night? “Man, Garnett really sucked a cock in the 4th quarter!” Saw an awesome concert? “You shoulda come to the Dr. Dog show last night, they totally worked our rods and cradled our balls on an extended version of ‘Hang On’!”

Our dick sucking statements should match our true dick sucking feelings. Sure, it’ll be a little confusing at first. You’ll get some drinks thrown in your face and punched a few times probably. But do we want to live in a world where sucking our dicks is considered an ultimate punishment? It should be a moment to celebrate! Synonymous with joy! That’s the kind of world I wish to live in.