WASHINGTON—Instructing his colleagues to take a good, long look at what happens to consensus seekers, Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX) publicly displayed the impaled body of a fellow senator at the entrance to the Capitol building Thursday as a warning to anyone thinking about crossing party lines. “You see this? If I even sense so much as a hint of a possibility that you might vote out of lockstep or co-sponsor a centrist bill with the opposition, I swear to God I’ll slice your tongue clean out of your throat right in the middle of the rotunda,” said Cornyn, gesturing to the suit-clad corpse with a bloodied wooden stake protruding from its chest and the word “AISLE-CROSSER” carved into its forehead. “And then I’ll personally see to it that you’re branded, gutted, skewered, and paraded around Capitol Hill like a suckling hog. So ask yourself right now: How important is moving past party politics and reaching compromise, huh?” Senate sources later confirmed that Cornyn went on to brandish a cigar cutter and remark how hard it would be to pen bipartisan legislation without any thumbs.

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