Good family communication is the key to successful parenting at all stages, but it’s not always easy. We all know the advice about getting down to a toddler’s tantrumming level, offering a stroppy six-year-old a non-judgmental ear and giving a tired teenager peace to think and a cup of tea after a tough exam, but constant low-level approachability is hard to get right. There’s also a temptation to believe it’s about getting your children to listen to you, when in reality it’s just as important for you to listen to them.

Every size of family has its own problems, with only children sometimes feeling they’re far too much the focus of their parents’ attention and those in bigger families complaining they rarely get that undivided attention. Having four children has always meant so much ferrying around to activities that I was in constant danger of meeting myself coming back. But I quickly discovered the joy of car confessions where the children would take the opportunity of being alone with me to spill the beans on fears and joys in equal measure.

As I work from home, my husband felt he didn’t have the same opportunity to connect, so for years has made a point of taking each child out by themselves once a month. These have never really been big events, although they have tended to include the occasional treat: they’re more about the luxury of one-to-one time. Now the children are all technically adults, these outings continue – often initiated by the offspring and sometimes even paid for by them. It’s difficult to decide who enjoys those encounters more, though there’s no doubt the main aim is to connect and confide, on both sides.

It’s not about getting your children to listen to you, it’s just as important for you to listen to them

Making connection a habit gives children of all ages the confidence of knowing that they will always have an opportunity to talk without having to engineer the situation. There are some situations that make confiding seem much easier, such as “sideways listening”. This has proved particularly successful in all sorts of professional as well as personal situations, as the family psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew explains.

“This has been around in a therapeutic context for years,” she says. “In that situation, it’s about positioning your chairs slightly at an angle so people feel more relaxed, and it’s much more helpful in getting them to talk more freely. You can apply that to younger children through playing with them and letting the conversation flow naturally, not just about what you’re playing with but to include other areas of life as well.”

The possible benefits of this approach seem to far outweigh the amount of time she recommends putting in.

“Generally, I would recommend 10 minutes of child-led activity every day,” she says. “There are all sorts of enjoyable activities that lend themselves to sideways listening, such as arts and crafts, baking, running and other physical activities you can do together. The aim is make this into a habit as your children will know that they can rely on this time with you and that it’s all about them and how important they are to you.”

This air of peaceful routine lends itself well to the suggestion that parents should listen to their children, especially as psychological parenting models advise letting the children lead the conversation, with parents then commenting rather than questioning. “You’re setting up a long-term background with this approach,” says Andrew. “This is actively nurturing the relationship and giving your child confidence to come to you and talk about anything, from all the little things that make up their day to the possibility of more worrying situations.”

She is keen to emphasise the importance of not taking over a conversation, especially if a child is sharing difficulties or worries.

“You might be shocked by something they tell you, but you must talk it through calmly, especially as sideways listening does make it easier for them to pluck up courage to simply drop things into the conversation. This is not the time to act shocked or horrified, even on their behalf, especially if they are already fearful of what you might do with the information they’re giving you. A common example of this is bullying, where parents want to act immediately rather than listening to what their children actually think might be helpful. Validate their feelings with comments such as: “I understand how you feel about going into school” or, “No wonder you feel anxious”, but let them retain ownership of that information and what they want done with it.

You can discuss options – “Maybe we could go into school together” or, “You could write down the details of what you want me to say to the headteacher” – but do not make the decisions for them. You want them to trust you and talk to you, but if you betray that trust it will be very difficult to get them to start talking again as you’re clearly not listening. This can become even more tricky with teenagers, especially if you either don’t have such listening habits in place or your children are doing the standard teenage withdrawal.

Dr Arthur Cassidy, a social media psychologist, suggests reassuring your teenagers that you love them and are interested in them, but don’t want to invade their privacy. This in itself is a bit of a mixed message, where parents can be trying desperately to give their teenager space while, with the contrariness of that age group, teenagers may feel their parents simply aren’t interested.

“This is the advantage of sideways listening,” says Cassidy. “It’s unobtrusive and provides the reassurance to offspring that parents are still actively listening to their joys as well as their sorrows. When teenagers or children try to shock their parents, react calmly and be consistent. The golden rule is to give them reassurance that you fully understand their problem irrespective of its content and will help them resolve it. Show them love, empathy and acceptance unconditionally, and it does work.” He also points out that some children have been raised with expectations of face-to-face dialogue to reward positive behaviours and also highlight or punish wrongdoing. “If a teenager brought up this way has to disclose a misdemeanour, they might prefer face-to-face contact,” he says. “That may be because they’re used to that approach and see it as illustrating the parents’ empathy and understanding besides trust and confidence.”

However, Cassidy also believes sideways listening can be useful at any time within a family, especially as it can be perceived by teenagers as less threatening and might encourage more openness of communication at a time when they naturally keep more from their parents.

“When serious issues such as cyberbullying or online grooming arise, parents need to evaluate the seriousness of the issue and take ownership of the situation alongside their teenager to give them confidence to talk about it and deal with it,” he says.

“Teenagers in particular normally don’t have the competence or skills to handle this type of threat or criminal behaviour, and parents can teach them by staying calm and showing them how to deal with such scenarios so that gives them the confidence and practical knowledge they can use as adults. It’s all about the balance between maintaining trust and confidentiality between teens and parents to sustain family stability and cohesion.”

Sideways listening as a communication strategy produces great results, and just needs a little planning and 10 minutes a day to start with. Once it becomes a habit, it seems to expand naturally to suit individual needs and its impact lies in listening to the child or teenager, rather than that classic parental approach of passing on knowledge and expertise. At some point in the conversation that experience might be useful, but always starting from the premise of letting the small voice be heard is what makes sideways listening a success.