Stoicism and Dating

Time to Let your Values Lead the Way

How could two human beings who are base have sympathy of spirit one with the other? Or how could one that is good be in harmony with one that is bad? No more than a crooked piece of wood could be fitted to a straight one, or two crooked ones be put together. — Musonius Rufus

CC BY-SA 4.0 José Luiz Bernardes Ribeiro

When it comes to laying down our values and boundaries, there are few bigger trip-wires than romantic relationships. Even if we set out with our Stoic heart in the right place, Cupid turfs up with his damn arrow, and before we know it, everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

So many people, including myself, have loved those who can’t meet their needs. We end up defeated and exhausted by a partner who’s not loving enough, faithful enough, consistent enough…anything enough for us.

So, the question I’d like to kick off with is this; are you waiting for your lover to change? Because if you’ve been in a relationship asking for something different, and it’s not happening, then take it as given; the change train is not leaving the station anytime soon.

The Fly in the Love Ointment

Sometimes when we meet a version of our dream mate, we become so obsessed with their potential, we can’t get honest and see what’s standing in front of us. Maybe they lie, cheat or are generally disrespectful, and we either ignore it or tell them to shape up. Then they do it again, and we think they need more time. Then it’s repeated, and we get mad and make threats. If they consistently fail to meet our needs, we make excuses; they had a lousy childhood; they were abused; their stone-cold heart needs thawing with our tenderness.

We’ll do anything but admit they’re not a match to our needs; our standards; our values. And for some reason, instead of taking control and going through the grief of endings or the perceived pain of aloneness, we carry on filtering out truth and focusing on hope.

We basically abandon ourselves and forget the wisdom that…

You have something within you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet. — Marcus Aurelius

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The Faulty Perspective

When we’re all hooked up to someone with drama, it’s easy to fall into victim mode. Instead of seeing this as our issue, we see it as their issue. In doing so, we’re giving away the only power we have; to acknowledge our locus of control and see what to do.

And the first thing we’d best recognise is this…it’s not their issue. We’ve chosen someone who can’t meet our expectations.

Even if we acknowledge the Stoic goal of rejecting external causations of happiness, we still get snagged; our actions are not up to speed with our most cherished values. So we bumble along at the mercy of other peoples’ psychology, falling down emotional manholes.

But instead of attending to that and focusing on our healing and freedom, we waste our precious life trying to fix them…

‘If I dish up the silent treatment, maybe they’ll come around.’

‘If I get them into therapy, perhaps they’ll meet my needs’

‘If I just stay quiet, they might stop being angry.’

And while compassion is necessary for a virtuous life, it’s not our job to be their manager, persuade them to get help or send them links to websites about how to grow the hell up. That’s down to them. If they’re not doing it for themselves, it’s not going to happen.

What we need to do is put our own mental house in order, because if we don’t get clear and honest with how we’re failing ourselves, we’ll be dancing the Toxic Tango for eternity. Even if we do achieve a modicum of success and the other person comes into line; as the days and weeks pass, it’ll bubble up again…

Their problem. Unfixed.

Our problem. Unfixed.

Now we’re back to managing, fretting and manipulating. But every time we do this, we’re losing our sense of self.