BOSTON—Saying everything could be made a whole lot simpler with even a few halfway reasonable dietary choices, top U.S. nutritionists announced Tuesday they wouldn’t have to spend all their time figuring out which foods were bad for you if the nation would just try eating normal for once. “It’s really not that complicated: Eat a sensible amount of plain, ordinary food each day, and then we won’t have to do all these confusing studies and you won’t have to worry anymore,” said Blair Amundsen of the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, who explained that Americans continually eat such large quantities of bad food—drinking 24-ounce mocha lattes in the morning, ordering pizza for lunch, making hot dogs for dinner—that it’s almost impossible to determine which bad things are hurting them the most. “We wouldn’t have to churn out all this goddamn research on red meat if you didn’t eat it three meals a day, okay? So maybe just try something normal like a sandwich—not the huge kind with so much meat you have to cut it into pieces before you can fit it into your mouth, but a regular, standard-sized sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes and stuff on it. And don’t try to correct your weird, bad eating habits with a diet of nothing but salad for a month, because that’s weird and bad too. Please stop whatever you’re doing now and, for like a week, just eat normal. We’re every bit as exhausted as you are with all this food study shit.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s nutritionists were resigning en masse after seeing “doughnut bacon burger” and “alfalfa juice cleanse” simultaneously trending online.

Advertisement