From yesterday’s post, we know that trumpet unemployment in the U.S. is more than 87% for new college trumpet degree graduates. I think the real figure is more like 95%. But that’s okay, because today, I want to help those who do not want a full-time job or its equivalent in the trumpet world. Sorry this list is so long–but the journey toward unemployment is long.

Before college, be satisfied with your public schools’ music programs for all of your trumpet needs. You should not feel the need for a private teacher. The professional orchestra performs nearby, but why would you need to hear them when you can hear your own band play every day? Don’t worry about your embouchure. If there are problems, then you can fix them later. Don’t listen to art music. Yes, you have to play trumpet for the school band and marching band, but when you are on your own, you want to listen to pop, rock and roll, country, or hip hop. Don’t have a favorite trumpet player or players. Again, who cares about music with trumpet? You just want to follow the hottest pop bands. Don’t enter solo and ensemble contests, and avoid All-District and All-State competitions. Those are on the weekends, and weekends are made for fun! Choose a college to go to because they have a great football team. Bonus points for choosing a college because it’s where your friends or family went. Go with the school that seems to be the most enthusiastic about recruiting you–you’ll be happiest there. When you’re are at college, major in trumpet performance because those band trips in high school were so fun and because the humanities and sciences are boring. At college, choose the easiest music courses and teachers, because that will help your grade point average. Don’t practice more than an hour and a half per day. If you played it once correctly, then move on. Don’t bother ordering all those pieces that your trumpet teacher asked you to purchase. You can get a lot of music online. Also, you need to be working on wind ensemble and pep band music anyway. Study ear training only enough to pass the music theory exams. It’s really called, “ear straining.” Keep bringing in the same pieces to your lessons over and over. “I had a really hard time getting around to the new etude this week, but here’s Egmont Overture for the 10th time.” Join a social fraternity. Become popular. Don’t bother trying to get a C trumpet, a piccolo trumpet or an E-flat. Argue with your teacher. This shows your independence as a musician. When you finally get around to practicing excerpts, practice them only while warming up before band rehearsal–that impresses the other trumpeters. Just learn the excerpts and not the whole piece, because they will only ask the popular excerpts at auditions. Once you start practicing excerpts, decide that an orchestra job should really be your only goal (because it’s so hard to get in, it makes the job pretty exclusive). Do not practice technique, long tones, articulation exercises, or scales because those types of things are not needed at professional auditions. Don’t go to summer music camp. You’ll be more of an intuitive player if you don’t organize your practice. Play what comes to mind! Don’t bother building good relationships with your teachers. They’re very old and don’t matter. No need to offer to help with projects. When you get really close to your recital date, it’s time to start practicing 6 hours a day, so you can learn all of your repertoire. Don’t dress nicely for juries or recitals. Change your equipment to fix your sound. Don’t listen to recordings of yourself. Don’t play with a metronome. It tends to speed up. Don’t play with a tuner. Don’t keep a journal. Don’t sing your pieces. Don’t bother learning to transpose. Don’t buzz your pieces with your mouthpiece. Don’t memorize your pieces. Don’t learn how to play other musical styles. Drink heavily and try out drugs. When you go to an audition, realize that your whole life hinges on winning this audition–that will help you focus. For your first job, only try out for the top five orchestras–that’s where the money is! Please don’t consider joining a military band. If you win an audition, be sure to act haughty around your peers. Don’t speak with the conductor. If you do, argue with him or her. If you lose the argument, do what you want to do anyway at the concert. Because being passive-aggressive is always effective. There’s another audition coming up for a better job, so don’t waste your time practicing for your current job. If you’re a section player, be sure to show the principal trumpeter how strong your sound is and what a good leader you are. Blending is for sissies. Be sullen, unpracticed and unprofessional at pops concerts. Because you want to play classical music, not pops. Talk poorly about other trumpeters when they’re not around. Don’t try to create a new sound or a new group.

Hopefully this list will prove helpful to those trumpeters who enjoy hanging out with their friends after graduation. You can’t really hang out as much if you have a job.

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