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If you can hold off on the urge to call me a big, fat, thumb sucking diaper baby for just one minute, I'd like to explain myself a bit. First of all, I'm not a baby, you dick. I am a grown man with a wife, a house, a job, and a couple of dogs. I pay my taxes, I eat red meat, and I work out if there is nothing good on TV. Babies can't do any of those things.

Erik Germ

But I still look fucking stylish while doing it.

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So already I've slapped the "this guy is a baby" theory right out of the air. Now, even though I haven't been a baby for a quarter of a century, that hasn't stopped me from sucking my thumb the entire goddamn time. But even I'll admit that it's weird to see a grown-up with his or her thumb in their mouth, because not too many grown-ups are comfortable with being compared to infants. I really can't argue with that, especially since I just spent the last paragraph talking some major shit on babies. But I'll still find myself wondering "what gives?" Why was I left behind when most everybody else I know kicked the habit before turning six? It turns out that research on that very subject is hard to come by from any reputable source. For instance, WebMD says that one in five children will suck their thumb or finger past age five, right around the time that teasing from your peers turns from playful to "Holy shit, kids can be fucking assholes."