If we want teens to have good mental and emotional health, we must start with making sure they have some control over their lives.

Over the 24 years I've worked as a psychologist with teens I've consistently seen that those who make at least some decisions about what they do, who they spend time with, where they go and what is important to them do much better than those who do not have this freedom.

Research psychologists sometimes call this "self-determination".

For teens, more control = greater happiness

Many studies show people with a greater sense of self-determination are emotionally more stable, more likely to have good health, happier and more likely to have better social relationships.

While self-determination matters throughout our lives, it becomes critical at adolescence.

Teens who report a greater sense of self determination are also healthier and emotionally more stable. ( Unsplash: Ben White )

I sometimes talk with families about the "Three Ps" which come with puberty: perspective, peers and place.

In other words, as a teen I want my own "perspective" (to have an opinion about what I do and care about). I want my own "peers" (to make decisions about who I'm with and when). And I want my own "place" (to be places without adults around me.)

These teenage desires can be terrifying for parents.

We have a strong (and evolutionarily driven) instinct to keep our offspring close to us, have them follow our advice and to always know what they are doing.

When teens want to do the very opposite, our subconscious parent brains signal "danger" and we start to worry or feel frustrated.

This terror is well founded in many cases.

Adolescents do not have the same ability to make decisions as an adult. They are less likely to notice and plan for risk. They lack an adult's self control skills.

Teens are less likely to notice or plan for risk. ( Flickr: SamuelSchultzerBagge )

They are more likely to prioritise peer relationships over school, health and sometimes even their physical safety.

This means that parents who severely restrict their teenagers' ability to make choices may well avoid some problems in the short term.

However, there are two big drawbacks to doing so.

Leave them be

As mentioned, research shows that teens who have less control over their activities are unhappier and have lower self-esteem.

Sometimes a moody and angry teen is effectively saying to us "I have a desperate need to do things myself and make my own decisions".

And: "When I can't do this it makes me feel I'm not good enough or capable of growing into an adult".

I've seen many teens who are grumpy, irritable and unhappy who become much happier when their parents choose to trust them with more choice and control over their lives.

Many teenagers prioritise peer relationships. ( ABC Riverland: Catherine Heuzenroeder )

Future proof

The second problem with keeping our teens from making their own decisions is we lose the ability to help them in the long term.

One day we will not be living beside our young people or have much input over their lives. They will suddenly have full control over what they do, who they spend time with and how they make decisions. If we have not gradually provided more and more freedom while we were there to coach and support them, then their mistakes may have much bigger consequences.

This means as parents we have a tough road to navigate.

We need to "hold back" our teens in some areas knowing they are not ready to be adults and yet gradually trust them with more freedom and control as each year passes.

The families I've worked with who have done this well understand that their role as parent of a teen is that of a coach.

Keep talking

As coach, they do three things.

First, these parent-coaches always have an eye out for what skills a teenager needs to build. They see problems as resulting from skill gaps, not personality flaws. They have (many) conversations with teens to build skills.

What went wrong there? How might that be different? What would you do if this event happened when you were out at night? How do you resist the temptation to be online when you should be studying? Would you like me to tell you how I manage this situation myself?

Parent-coaches always have an eye out for what skills a teenager needs to build. ( Unsplash.com Pricilla du Preez )

Secondly, these parent-coaches allow teens to experience the consequences of their poor decisions.

If you don't get that assignment finished, then you will have to discuss that yourself with your teacher. If you get home so late you can't get up for your housework tasks the next day, then you'll need to spend time doing it later instead of going out again.

Cheer madly for your teen

Thirdly, these parent-coaches take every opportunity to cheer madly from the sidelines.

"I loved the way you did … Thanks so much for … I appreciated it when you … Can I help you here? … Is there anything I can do? … I love talking to you about…"

Coaching teens can be scary, tiring and frustrating.

It's far easier to take over. But coaching leads to happier, better adjusted teens who are more prepared for adulthood.

Kirrilie Smout is a clinical psychologist who specialises in working with children and teenagers.