Why are we always pointing to Instagram as the cause of mental illness in our teenagers? It’s frustrating that abusive relationships, and the trauma they cause, are rarely mentioned in discussions about the prevalence of mental health problems in young people. Research by Women’s Aid and Cosmopolitan has found that a third of teenage girls have been in an abusive relationship. And, if that isn’t shocking enough, when the remaining two-thirds were asked further questions, it emerged that 64% of them had, in fact, experienced abusive behaviour – they just didn’t realise it was abuse.

Domestic abuse is normally associated with women cowering on the floor, as a violent husband waits to strike, or mothers covering up their black eyes with concealer before the school run. On the same day that the domestic abuse bill received its second reading in parliament, Age UK called for action to tackle domestic abuse of over-60s, whose needs it says are often overlooked by the law, policy and practice. The needs of teenagers in the heady throes of first love who are in emotionally abusive relationships also need to be recognised.

Common themes of such relationships include (though are not limited to) excessive jealousy, repeated criticism and sexual coercion. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is checking your phone, constantly asking to know your whereabouts, getting upset when you spend time away, turning up unannounced to surprise you, these are all examples of coercive control. If they never apologise in an argument and make everything your fault, tell you what you can and can’t wear, undermine you and/or publicly humiliate you under the guise of a “joke”, these again are common instances of controlling behaviour. Ditto, if they have a Jekyll/Hyde personality, make you feel like you are walking on eggshells even when things are seemingly going well, and threaten to hurt themselves if you leave. When it comes to sexual coercion and rape, examples include making you feel pressured to perform sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with, such as sending nude photos, having sex before you’re ready, being pressured to re-enact extreme sex from porn films or being told you don’t love them if you say no.

Often the victim in an abusive relationship can never quite put their finger on one thing, but the overwhelming feeling is of a general unease, feeling unsafe, defective, wrong, scared and as if you are going crazy. It’s your “yourselfness” that’s being consistently undermined, controlled and attacked by the person who claims to love you.

‘Excessive jealousy’: Rachel and Ross in Friends. Photograph: Channel 4 picture publicity

“But he never hit me,” is the phrase that comes up repeatedly when talking to teenage victims of emotionally abusive relationships. Another is: “It’s my fault. I’m so crazy. I’m the one who’s impossible, not him.” Or: “Isn’t that just what relationships are like?” Yet emotional abuse and coercive control are abuse, even if the perpetrator never physically hurts their victim.

Unfortunately, discussions around abuse are almost as toxic as abuse itself, with society offering very mixed messages about what is and isn’t acceptable. Victories in the campaign to seriously tackle psychological violence against women often feel like one step forward and two back. Coercive control became illegal in 2015, but the majority of cases are dropped without charge. The MeToo movement may have empowered many victims to share their stories of sexual violence, but rape conviction rates have plummeted to such lows that it feels as if it has been practically decriminalised.

Popular culture does little to help combat poisonous and confusing messages. In fact, it consistently perpetuates male-on-female abuse as aspirational love stories. Romances currently on Netflix include Noah threatening to kill himself to get a date in The Notebook, Edward repeatedly stalking Bella in Twilight, and even in Friends, “lovable” Ross repeatedly showing excessive jealousy and ownership of Rachel. All of these abusive behaviours are seen as gestures of love, and rewarded with the couple reaching “happily ever after” – rather than the more likely option of the woman suffering long-term psychological trauma. And psychological abuse can be extremely hard to recover from.

All this may make it seem as if tackling relationship abuse is insurmountable, but education is key. That is why Women’s Aid has launched the website Love Respect as a vital resource for young people. We are rarely more vulnerable than when we are in love – particularly when we are in love for the first time. Educating young people on abusive behaviours in a relationship isn’t “the death of romance” – it’s about making everyone realise that abuse was never romantic to begin with.

•Holly Bourne is an author of young adult fiction and ambassador for Love Respect. Her latest book is The Places I’ve Cried in Public

If you or anyone you know has been affected by abuse, visit loverespect.co.uk or womensaid.org.uk for support