An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold.

April 9, 1917

VIMY, FRANCE – Following more than a century of struggle for independence and international respect, the nation of Canada was born today after several hours’ fighting Germans as a colony of Great Britain on French land just 4,000 kilometres from home.

“Some thought we were already a nation because of the carefully crafted legal documents the Fathers of Confederation created to define this country,” said historian L.P. Album, “but now we know the key to our identity was driving bayonet into a German soldiers skull in order to secure a ridge of debatable significance.

“I’m sure it won’t even matter if the Germans take back the ridge in a few months rendering our achievement completely moot,” Album added.

The key to this shocking development appears to be Canada’s willingness to joyfully celebrate a battle that cost our country the lives of thousands of young men. Australia and New Zealand, for example, have yet to develop their own unique identities because they spend their time commemorating the sacrifices they made in Gallipoli, despite the fact it was a complete catastrophe. Who loses to the Ottomans anymore?

The only remaining question is how such a magnificent battle was won. Military tacticians are already exalting the brilliance of General Arthur Currie’s strategy of not marching into our own artillery barrage.

Order the book here.