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If you don't remember this movie, this is going to sound like I'm making shit up, but the mannequin is actually a 4,500-year-old Egyptian time traveler. To get out of an arranged marriage, she made a vague wish to unnamed gods, and she has been inexplicably Forrest Gumping through history ever since. She casually mentions dating Christopher Columbus and being unable to seduce Michelangelo because he was obsessed with some guy named David. It'd be fair to call this the least interesting take on a time travel story before it even occurs to you how it doesn't fucking explain anything.

What the shit does any of that have to do with why she turns into a store mannequin when anyone other than Andrew McCarthy looks at her? And more importantly, would the mannequin's holes seal up and pop your dick off if someone looked directly at her mid-coitus? Oh, and if you took her arms and legs off while she was a mannequin, would she return to flesh with smooth stumps or four geysers of scarab-filled blood? Can I switch her hands with ice picks for arctic missions?

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Andrew McCarthy doesn't ask any of these questions before he jumps into intercourse with this "woman." Magic Johnson did more due diligence before he took a lover than McCarthy does in Mannequin. And hold on, fashion mannequins wouldn't have even been invented until she was over 4,300 years old. So why is she suddenly a were-dummy in this particular era? There's never a payoff to any of this backstory, and it actually makes a magical mannequin less believable to suggest she's the result of Egyptian gods completely fucking around.

Now that we've established her origin is inconsistent stupidity born from an uncreative mind, it's my great pleasure to summarize the main plot of Mannequin in 17 words: The ancient cursed woman has noisy sex parties with Andrew McCarthy every night in a department store. The main villain is a night security guard named Felix who, upon reflection, was maybe right to try to stop a stock boy from fucking a doll all night on the retail goods he was hired to protect.