DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday. “I made sure I had no plans tonight so that I can just turn in at 10 and get some serious rest,” said the poor, naive fool who despite having a laptop next to his bed, four different shows he needs to catch up on, and a proclivity for wasting hours at a time on social media sites is genuinely convinced that he will be asleep at a reasonable hour. “It’ll be nice to wake up feeling refreshed for once.” At press time, Briner reportedly said “fuck it,” resumed watching Sherlock on Netflix, and vowed that tomorrow he’d definitely be in bed by 9.

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