Washington D.C.—

Newly-appointed Coronavirus Czar Mike Pence claimed his team has discovered a cure for the coronavirus during a televised press conference held this morning from the Vice Presidential house in its office Mr. Pence calls the “Rectangular Office.”

The following is a transcript of his address:

“My fellow Americans, my team has worked furiously over several weeks to uncover the cure to the coronavirus, and we are pleased to announce that it’s nothing more than walking around with a small, trusty Bible in your pocket. It’s 100% effective. You see, the Bible wards off the coronavirus like Jesus Christ wards off Satan. Liberal elitists and atheist scientists may claim that the coronavirus is a small, bacteria-like infection, but they’re also telling us the Earth is getting warmer when we all saw it snow here in DC a few times last month. In actuality, global warming is like their religion. But we Christians follow the REAL religion! And we know for a fact that God didn’t make anything so small that his favorite species can’t see it! What an absurd idea! In fact, I don’t believe in anything I can’t see! Except God, of course, who is too big for us to see. You see, the Bible makes it very clear that God just plain doesn’t let bad things happen to good Christians who remember to keep Christ in their hearts. If bad things do happen to you, it’s evident you have actually been a very, very bad Christian all your life. Take it from me. I’m so devout that I can’t even imagine bad things happening to me. I mean, I’m Vice President to the greatest President ever! And even better, I just got promoted to Coronavirus Czar! I’m totally going to defeat it with prayer. Because I can practically call up God with my prayers. I’m like the second top Christian in all of America. Donald Trump obviously is a little bit more Christian than me, but no one else! What an amazing man of God. I learn so much from him. He has taught me so much about life. I learn something new every day. Like last week, he told me all about money and how to make a lot of it fast by cutting as many corners as you can! Which leads me to a valuable deal I am so excited to offer the American people: I’m starting my own pocket Bible business, and you can now buy a copyright-pending Pence Pocket Bible filled with my favorite Bible passages that, if read from daily, is guaranteed to ward off the coronavirus! Or your money back! Because I’ve been studying the Bible for decades, and I realized something. I want you tel tell me if you’ve realized it, too. Do you find yourself reading the Bible, and getting confused when God and Jesus command us to turn the cheek, help the sick and poor, and treat foreigners like family? All while when we know what Jesus really means is that we all need to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps while shooting suppressing fire from unregulated, high-velocity, semi-automatic assault rifles at our nation’s enemies! I know I think about this all the time! So buy your Pence Pocket Bible in a participating store near you for only $19.99! It’s got just the Old Testament parts that we love without all those inconvenient communist passages from the New Testament that libtards love to throw in our faces when they’re trying to make us look dumb! So become one with God, and vaccinate yourself with prayer and a Pence Pocket Bible today!”

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