No one knows how the hell to apologize anymore.

Consider David Cross, star of Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. On Wednesday morning, poet Charlyne Yi posted a series of tweets alleging that Cross made a series of racist jokes upon meeting Yi ten years ago. Cross, also on Twitter, responded initially with shock and promised to "get to the bottom of this" and asked "Charlene" to reach out privately.

Then came one of the most well-rehearsed rituals in the world of celebrity social media, the public non-apology, delivered via screenshot of the iPhone's Notes app:

This is a sterling example of Doing It Wrong. In a single passage, Cross:

Made it about him. Emphatically stated he did not remember the incident in question. Stressed that he is not calling his accuser a liar. Said "I'm truly sorry if I hurt her." Emphatically stated that he does not remember things going down this way and y'know, maybe she doesn't either? Said "I am not a racist or a bully." "#Rashomon."

That last bit is particularly infuriating, since Rashomon is the title of an Akira Kurosawa film about conflicting accounts regarding a rape and murder, so yes, that hashtag is objectively in awful taste. And it's a particularly egregious unforced error in this case, when a sincere apology for this incident, even if he didn't remember it happening, would have cost him nothing. Except, you know, the admission that he might have been rude to someone once.

The note also commits the cardinal sin of just about every poor celebrity apology: the I'm sorry if I hurt/offended anyone play. This is a trash move that completely misses the entire point of apologies and falls to pieces the moment you scrutinize it. Because apologies aren't conditional. If you are only sorry if someone was hurt or offended, you're just sorry you got caught and called out for it. Abolish it from your diction.

Writing an apology is, for what it's worth, not that hard. Just know:

You've gotta acknowledge that someone was hurt by you. Take responsibility for it. People mess up. It's not great, but most of us will understand. You've just got to make a sincere effort to do better. Maybe there will be consequences, but you're an adult and that's how things work. And holy shit on a goddamn chipmunk, don't make a joke implying that your accuser's account is untrustworthy.

Apologies aren't meant to cover your ass or assert that you Are In Fact A Good Person. They are entirely for the benefit of the person who was hurt. It is belatedly putting yourself aside as a gesture to make amends for a time that you failed to think of someone other than yourself. That's it! Apologizing is a wonderfully simple act. It is not contextual or complicated or ever-changing; the steps are always the same. Maybe, based on the severity of the accusation, the actions you have to take after apologizing are more involved, but the apology itself remains straightforward.

Watch now:

Jason Isbell and George Saunders Have an Epic Conversation