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FED up with this ‘one big present’ nonsense, Our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ has announced that he would like two separate presents for his birthday and Christmas this year, adding that it’s ‘not his fault’ that they both fall on the same day.

Like the vast majority of people whose birthday’s fall in December, Mr. Christ has had to put up with a combined Christmas/birthday celebration for the entirety of his life, his death, his resurrection, and his spectral life following his ascension into Heaven.

Incensed, Jesus informed guests at his birthday party, which has to be held the week before Christmas so as to not interfere with any other parties that are taking place near the 25th, that he still expected them to give him a second gift for Christmas, or else he would make sure to ‘do the same for them’ next year.

“Oh, your birthday is in April? Well, I’ll just get you one big present that’ll do you for Christmas at the same time,” said Jesus to Adolf Hitler, who had just presented him with a very generous iTunes gift card.

“It’s not a money thing. If you had given me two gift cards worth half as much as this one big one, I’d be happier than I am right now. So I’m not saying you guys are cheap, I’m saying you’re lazy. Don’t want to wrap two presents, don’t want to write two cards. I do not feel loved right now gang, I’ll just say it out straight. I feel pretty underappreciated, honestly I do. You’d swear I didn’t get nailed to a fucking cross for you people, the way you act on my birthday”.

Jesus also added that he’s 100% okay for Frankincense and Myrhh at the minute.