“In no instance have...the churches been guardians of the liberties of the people.”

— James Madison

As all the right-wing Christian conservative blow-hard (RWCCBH) homophobes down there in the States continue to blather on about how gay marriage is going to destroy traditional marriage, I just keep scratching my head, struggling with all my might to understand just what the $% they’re talking about.

The fact is, here in Canada, same-sex marriage has been legal nationwide since 2005 and not one traditional marriage that I know of has ever been threatened or damaged in any way whatsoever. That’s four years and millions of marriages without even one—not one—being threatened in the slightest.

And you better believe that if one ever was it’d be all over the news: “Yes, yes, that’s right, Your Honour, we were happily married for 20 long years, but then this gay-marriage bill passed and we saw gays getting hitched and it made our marriage seem so meaningless and empty. Obviously we had no other option but divorce.”

Personally, I know many people who have gotten divorced in this country, both before and after the legalization of same-sex marriage, and not one of them has ever cited the threat of gay marriage as even a mitigating factor in their relationship’s demise.

I know my own marriage is still going strong, despite this seemingly imminent threat.

I’m not really sure how other people getting married—whether they be straight, gay, or bi—is supposed to threaten my marriage, but I’m guessing that, when it comes to the RWCCBH homophobes, it probably has something to do with a secret desire to be free of their present marital situations (í la Larry Craig and Ted Haggard).

Now I’m not saying that all right-wing Christian conservative blow-hard homophobes are secretly gay. I’m just saying that I find it quite interesting that they are all so totally and utterly obsessed with preventing gay marriage from becoming a legal option and that they so passionately insist that the availability of gay marriage is going to somehow threaten their own marriages.

And, by the way, I’ve got no problem with any, or all, of the RWCCBH homophobes being gay, if that’s what they indeed are. Though I most certainly do have a problem with their hypocrisy.

Perhaps they should stop worrying about other people’s love lives and life commitments, and instead focus on their own for a while. Because, obviously, it doesn’t matter who other people are marrying; the fact is nothing threatens a person’s marriage but the reality of their own relationship with their spouse (though, sometimes, a really hot coworker full of lust and desire can be a bit of a threat too, I guess).

Procreation vs. love

As these RWCCBH homophobes clamour for reasons to deny gays the same rights they themselves enjoy, they ridiculously point to procreation and state that marriage is primarily intended to make babies. Yeah, that’s right; not surprisingly, the main reason for getting married, according to these lovers of all things pre-Enlightenment, is not in fact love, but rather to simply produce offspring.

Not wanting to get into the obvious psychological deficiencies and personality disorders that have so clearly inflicted anyone in the modern world who marries for procreation over love, let me just say that I can’t really imagine these RWCCBH homophobes denying infertile individuals the right to marry. Nor can I imagine them disqualifying postmenopausal women from marriage either. So why the concern with baby-making abilities when it comes to gays? I mean, besides the obvious homophobia, hatred, and small-mindedness, of course.

Fear and loathing—and Bible study

What’s with these people anyway? I mean, they’re scared of everything. If it’s not God condemning them to hell for masturbating, it’s “socialized” medicine turning their beloved homeland into North Korea, and/or it’s “liberal educated elites” pushing evil, dangerous stuff down their children’s throats. Stuff like science. Come on, guys; you can’t be terrified of everything, can you?

Me? The only thing that really scares me is them. That is, the only thing that really terrifies me is the possibility of these right-wing Christian conservative blow-hard homophobes one day actually taking over America. It may seem unlikely now, but seeing that their numbers continue to grow almost as fast as their minds continue to close, it is, sadly, a distinct possibility.

And, if it ever were to happen, forget about same-sex marriage. How about life without science, government services, or masturbation? And in their place nothing but a shitload of Bible study? Yeah, I’m talking about a takeover by the American Taliban.

In which case, I suspect that we here in Canada would feel a lot like the Dutch and Belgians in the late-1930s. That is, not exactly very safe or secure.

Mike Cowie is a freelance writer who writes about politics, music, film, travel, and much more. You can read more of Mike’s views on his Web site.