I’m going to get the obvious joke out of the way first – I like that. “Omo, Kimchi-Oppa you’re so original with your jokes,” I hear you say. First off, don’t say “Omo” or write it (unless you’re Korean) because you’re not Korean, shut up. Second, do call me Oppa, I find it arousing.

Sistar has come back, and while I never really followed them, my Korean friend (Codename: Hyungnim) sent me the MV and asked me for my thoughts. First off, you cheeky little dongsaengs can read, for the first time ever, my raw, unfiltered, balls to the wall actual LIVE GOD DAMN REACTION (dear Fine Bros: do not sue.)

[KCMF] listening now

[KCMF] wow this instrumental is fucking nice

[KCMF] a bit noisy and messy but that’s how I like ’em

[KCMF] thigh game on point

[KCMF] Ooh, 2 inches of cleavage, surprised it didn’t get a 19 rating

[KCMF] gratuitous ass-shot, nice

[KCMF] I like the choreo with the bits of fabric

[KCMF] props to the lucky fucker who got to paint that tattoo on her back

[KCMF] bed of roses is nice

[KCMF] Hyorin (?) looks amazing

[Hyungnim] yes, that’s her

[KCMF] ah, they went for 10cm heels for optimal thigh-enhancement and butt-lift

[KCMF] nice-ass choreo

[KCMF] and nice ass-choreo

[KCMF] standard ‘breathy slightly slower bit’

[KCMF] the hand choreography is reminiscent of ‘Something’

[KCMF] actually, this is like a more up-tempo ‘Something’ and that’s no bad thing

[KCMF] yes

[KCMF] I like that

Now I’m done being self-indulgent for now, the stuff I liked about this song/MV: the instrumental, the vocals, the choreography, the thighs, the overall ‘feel’ of the song (I’m not really into ‘Summer Jams’, Sistar’s usual bread and butter fucking sue me) and the stuff I disliked was none of it. This track is solid as fuck.

Hyungnim is a genius, and has something like five degrees, so I asked him for his insight into the video, and unlike Lim, he didn’t make it about sex (much).

[Hyungnim] it is too orientic, so i think lots of westeners or foreigners must like this song

[Hyungnim] they are showing an orientalist fantasy about asian girls… so i think this song will succeed

[KCMF] Like a parody of oriental style?

[Hyungnim] yeah mixed japanese and chinese images

[KCMF] so what would you give the song out of 10?

[Hyungnim] song is 7.5

[Hyungnim] concept of mv is 9.5

Lim, meanwhile, decided the song was all about sex, which is no great surprise. It wasn’t sexy enough for him, so he decided to enlighten me on the virtues of ‘Touch My Body’, which is apparently, definitely about sex. I think I could show Lim a picture of the Treaty of Versailles and he’d make it about sex somehow. That’s why I love him.

[Lim] I now beginning to think Kpop music videos are basically about reanncting the city of sodom and gomorrah

[KCMF] what do you think about the song

[Lim] Meh honestly it wasn’t the best song they put out

[KCMF] it shits all over ‘Touch My Body’ IMFO. I think it’s their best since ‘Alone’

[Lim] “My pool gets soft and sometimes warm just for you”

[KCMF] Oh my

[KCMF] That’s one of the lyrics??

[Lim] From Touch My Body

[KCMF] Oh

[Lim] So no, touch my body still rocks my boat BB

[Lim] Is it just me? Or the settings for this music video looks all very… how should put it delicately

[KCMF] Like a fancy brothel?

[Lim] Idk I only go to places where they accepts reddit gold i don’t come from fancy but yeah

[Lim] 6 for the music

7.5 for the amazing brothel

[Lim] Let’s take a bet

[KCMF] go on

[Lim] I’m betting my good money this MV won’t hit 100 million views in 3 days

[Lim] Loser buys dinner

[KCMF] Fuck off

For my part, I’d give the song a solid 8.5, shading into 9 territory, and the MV gets maybe an 8? I wrote that part yesterday and rewatched/listened a bunch of times since then, and yeah, fuck it, 9 for the song and 9 for the video. Who cares, music is subjective. I liked it though, nice job Sistar.

Final rating

K-Pop MV weirdness: this is about as weird as wanting to have consensual sex in the missionary position with Hyorin. 0/10 for weirdness.

Too hot for Netizens rating: 6/10, there’s plenty of thigh on display, but I only counted one gratuitous ass-shot, and the aforementioned cleavage, as well as those classy-as-fuck sheer boob-window tops.

Lyrics idk, idc probably 10/10.

Overall rating: Final score from Lim was 6/10, Hyungnim gave it a 7.5/10 and The Cambrodian simply said “Sistarrr” followed 9 hours later with “I love the song”, which I assume is a 9/10. However, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I fucking want, so I proclaim this a 9/10 on all counts, glory be to Sistar and all who sail in her.

As ever, Sojin sez: thanks for reading!