Did you ever stop to consider that the wild and hairy anarchists of the Earth First! Movement are really just a bunch of death cult Illuminati in cahoots with big government, Time magazine, the Shriners and um, aliens and lizard people and shit? Yeah, we didn’t either.

But now, after watching this video “Earth First! Death Cult” from Infowars.com, an Alex Jones right wing news source, those of us at the Earth First! Journal are starting to look at each other a little bit differently. Is Pana really working for the Chinese government ? Why did Nettle say “I’ll be right back” after we asked her about her connections to the Obama/Cheney Brotherhood? Where is Molly, why isn’t she here, and is that even their real name? Is Russ really just the love child of Vlad Putin and Nancy Reagan? And is that a pro-Syrian government scarf Sasha is wearing?

Things are getting weird, and while it might be fun to make up a lot of really crazy shit and blabber about it, Earth First!ers don’t want to turn people into sheep. We want people to get fucking awesome and take back their wild natures. In fact, we’d like to see people more armed and more dangerous and more autonomous, and we’d like governments, power stations, and chain stores to crumble.

But seriously, Anchor guy who kills ants with boric acid, we are coming for your children!

For the Wild,

The Earth First! Journal Collective

(P.S. If you thought that was even a little funny, please make a donation to the Earth First! Death Cu…uh…Journal… Seriously, if the Journal were to die, we’d be left with this guy explaining our movement to the world.)