We Spoke Too Soon

BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion has issued an apology to the family of Boston resident Tom Mahoney, who was shot and killed by the news organization at 2:10 p.m. today. “We have learned that, contrary to our prior reports, Mr. Mahoney was in fact just a school teacher and not the Boston Marathon bomber,” read an official statement from The Onion. “Next time, instead of creating a media firestorm, misleading the public with uncorroborated information, and murdering an innocent man, we will make sure to confirm the identity of the bomber with the proper officials before taking a shot.” The Onion once again apologizes.