please have mercy...

My parents split up when I was really young, we were very poor, and moved a lot. We lived in poverty a lot of the time, going without food or electricity and sometimes being homeless and living in vehicles. We lived with criminals and drug dealers who had guns and drugs in plain site in the house. We got raided by the police and a friend we were staying with was shot and killed in front of me when I was 8 years old. I come from a very toxic environment. Cursing, drug, violence, racism, sexism, these were all things I was around nonstop from an early age. I have had social anxiety my whole life and have barely any social skills. I hid in the attic, and later the basement, and played video games by myself after school everyday to get away from the environment I was in. I dropped out of high school at 15 and played games in my mom's basement because being around people was too hard for me. Most of the time I have spent talking with other people have been online.



In the last 2-3 years of streaming, I have learned so much and have become a completely different person. I've made mistakes, but each one I learned from and didn't let anything like that happen again. The mistakes I made in the beginning I was a different person. I knew I would be upsetting the person, but I didn't really understand other people or the world itself and how truely wrong it was what I said. I never used the nword to spread hatred or to deeply hurt someone. I just knew it was a word that people didn't like, and it got a reaction out of them and would make them angry. Until afterwards, when I started getting messages from people calling me a racist and telling me how much they hated me for what I had said. It really opened my eyes how powerful the word really was. I had many conversations with people about it, I got death threats from people, and loving messages from people telling me they forgive me. I learned a lot about the world during that incident.



I used to try to argue against people and tell them to look at the intention of what someone, or myself, meant when they used the nword, or other racism terms. But I learned the intention doesn't matter. It hurts people, and very deeply, and so it shouldn't be said. The end, period.

I understand how powerful the word is, and racism is, even if its not your intention for it to be perceived that way. I tried much harder to be a better person and I have never said anything racist since that day. Not in real life or when I am offline or with my close friends, I will never say anything like that again.



As for my most recent ban, I promise you when I said "go cook a sandwich, bitch" I didn't intend for her to feel inferior, or embaressed, or anything negative involving her gender. I wanted to piss her off, and let her know that I was pissed. I have learned so much but I am still who I am. I am not 100% right in the head. I do have issues. But I am a good person. I have tried to upset people when we get into an argument over a game, but I have never tried to hurt anyone, or cheat, or steal, or leech, actually try to promote any sort of hatred towards anyone. I have said words and phrases that I have KNOWN will make the other person upset, but I didn't fully understand the scope of it. People that have to live everyday being made fun or harassed because of their race, gender, or sexual preferences are hurt so much more by these words and phrases then I ever understood or thought possible.



The world I grew up in, the words that were normal in my environment and in my brain, are NOT ok or normal to use. I am trying so hard to learn this and to figure what is ok and whats not ok. And I haven't had any incidents like these in 2 years. I thought I had things figured out, but I was wrong.



I started streaming to prove I was a good player, and to entertain people. It has never and will never be my intention to hurt anyone. I cannot take away who I am as a person, I will always be emotional, passionate, and impulsive. But I have learned the power of words. I promise you. People say "this isn't even his first chance". I understand I've been given multiple chances. But that's what it has taken for me to learn. And I am learning, and TRYING to not hurt anyone while still having the personality that my fans have grown to love me for.



This is a learning experience for someone who has taken a long time to understand how to socialize, communicate, and understand people and the power of words. I don't want to hurt people, I want to be a good person and continue to entertain the thousands of fans whos lives I have made better. I know I've hurt people with my words, but I've also gotten so many messages from people who have told me I have helped their depression, or that I make their life better.



Please work with me. I can bring good to the world. I just need everyone to work with me and give me the chance to learn from my mistakes. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you guys I am a good person. I am sorry for the things I have said recently, and in the past. I have never truely understood the power of words and how they can effect people until these recent years streaming. Please let me continue to learn and entertain and provide for people. I promise I am going to learn from this. The last 32 days have been the most life changing and traumatizing thing I have ever gone through.

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