CRTC-Approved Canadian Pornography Scenarios

This post originally appeared on March 12, 2014.

In an attempt to encourage compliance with the CRTC’s strict guidelines for Canadian content (known as CanCon), the government has provided a detailed list of recommended plotlines for Canadian pornographic films.

(The Toast’s previous coverage of Canadian anthropological matters can be found here and here.)

A man bumps into a woman on the street. “Sorry!” says the woman. “No, no, it was my fault, entirely,” says the man. They go to a hotel and have sex while listening to Trooper’s “Raise a Little Hell.”

A Mountie in full dress uniform goes down on a member of the Edmonton Oilers. While the Oiler is distracted by his climax, the Mountie slaps a pair of handcuffs on him. “I always get my man,” he says, “and now we’re gonna watch Murdoch Mysteries together.”

“That’s a nice-looking cervix you’ve got there,” an ob-gyn says to his patient, winking. “I can tell you don’t have to prioritize buying groceries or paying student loans over your sexual health care.”

“I sure don’t,” she says. “But what a wildly inappropriate compliment to pay someone coming to you for gynecological care. I have every intention of reporting you to the relevant authority, which, here in Vancouver, is the College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbia.”

“Is there any way I can convince you not to?”

She pulls off her robe, and gestures to her lap:

“I think you’ll find this even more delectable than a butter tart.”

Just normal sex between two or three Canadians, but kd lang sits on a chesterfield in the background and sings all of the tracks from “Hymns of the 49th Parallel.”

“Ladies, I’m in the mood for a double-double, if you know what I mean.”

They pour him a Timmy’s with double cream and double sugar, which he takes home and shares with his gay husband, Rick Mercer.

A guy pretending to be Peter Mansbridge has sex with a lady pretending to be Cynthia Dale. The guy narrates his thrusting techniques sonorously while the lady sings songs from one of Cynthia’s many brilliant Stratford Festival musical performances.

Two ladies in blazers arrive at the Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve to solve our nation’s greatest crime, but the real crime turns out to be how they’ve stolen each other’s hearts. It gets…pretty messy.

This one is for BDSM-types:

Two people arrive at a closed door at the exact same time, neither opens it for the other.

Drake.