My family had protested and boycotted my own baptism and conversion into the LDS faith 23 years ago. So it was an amazing thing when my family attended in support of my son when he took the plunge. We walked into the nursery, where refreshments were set up, only to see the YW’s blackboard prominently displayed with a list of optimal dating practices. At the top was “Do Not Date Non-Members”. I was past hope that my outspoken family members would overlook this and I was right. My brother remarked, “What, aren’t we all members of the human race?” I erased the board and thought grimly that he was absolutely correct.

I’m well aware of the framework of dating and marrying the RM so a couple can get to the temple. And the race to scoop up all the “hot women” as a reward for serving an honorable mission. Trouble is, LDS women of marriageable age outnumber the men, which can lead to a disproportionate number of single women with limited options, among them, considering dating non-members, which we all know is not highly favored. For the record, I don’t agree with that. I’ve noticed some superlative LDS women settling for less than optimal candidates strictly on the basis of marrying within the faith and using RM status as the major criteria, when they have an opportunity to broaden the field of viable single men by dating non-members.

Of course, there are other reasons for LDS women to consider dating non-members. Some of today’s young single LDS women have become frustrated by the limitations of the PoF model and are looking for marriages that are more egalitarian. Some ProgMo and ExMo singles are purposefully considering venturing into non-member territory specifically to explore sexual relationships outside of marriage. Or, career-minded single women might be left in the cold on the LDS marriage market and would like to be with a supportive partner who is not caught up in the “ideal” set up of provider and SAHM.

Especially in LDS saturated regions, the thought of dating outside the faith can be daunting, and it’s not limited to the young demographic. There are also widows, divorcees, and older singles considering the same option. We women understand that if we are already sealed to a former or deceased husband, it can be a barrier to marrying a single LDS man who isn’t happy about that fact.

In virtually homogenous LDS regions, it’s more difficult to engage in this choice, as the cultural pressure is persistent and family and friends can lean hard against it. It is also challenging to change a lifetime of conditioning towards following a life plan already relentlessly laid out in all the teachings. As I shared above, even in less densely LDS populated areas such as my state, the “othering” of non-members is alive and well.

So, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome before widening the field is to drop the condescension towards non- LDS members and see them as full-fledged “members” of the human race, as my brother so aptly put it. There can’t be this attitude that the only spiritual, virtuous or moral men exist within the LDS priesthood. That’s a myth anyway, as anecdotal evidence on this blog over the years has demonstrated. LDS women, who take for granted that the PH conveys these attributes, have been profoundly disappointed to find out otherwise. There is no guarantee and I would go so far as to say that it doesn’t even make it more likely. This expectation is precisely why there is such devastation when a woman is abused, neglected, or disrespected by an LDS man with RM credentials. Repeat after me: It guarantees nothing. In fact, men growing up in such a privileged culture during their formative years are going to come away with some baggage that they would do better to unlearn in order to be better husbands to real women in the modern world.

Once you’ve decided to foray into the non-member dating world, the next item to cross off the list is doing so to convert the non-member candidate. Because that means you are still coming from a position of condescension and non-acceptance of where other people are finding their own spiritual truth. Because there are other truths, and that should be respected.

As a convert, I ran into the attitude that non-members are “of the world”, which was code-speak for unrighteous. Well, non-members run the gamut, in truth. You will meet some who could found a new Babylon and others who could wear Christ’s robes. Have an open mind and heart and be willing to find out where this person falls on the continuum. Many non-members have very strong faith and beliefs they live by rigorously and there are also atheists and agnostics who are deeply committed to living within highly moral and ethical standards.

What this all means is that you have to enter this arena with those boundaries in place we discussed in the previous post. You have to decide what they are. You may or may not believe in the LoC, but most likely, you’ve been inundated with lessons that have sunk in on some level and you are going to have to tease out what really applies to you. I say this because there is no one way to approach non-member dating because there is such a wide variety of people and beliefs out there. What is necessary is an attitude of respect and your own transparency. Transparency is more than mere honesty, because you can make an honest statement that leaves out an awful lot of important detail. You could say, “I’m Mormon and I’m dating outside my faith to broaden my experience.” That could be very true, but it says precisely nothing other than the obvious. No, you have to be willing to get specific in order to be transparent, because many non-members do not have a clue when you say “Mormon/LDS” other than associating it with polygamy. And you will not be able to pull off transparency while being insincere. So, it starts with understanding yourself and then being able to convey that to another person. It may involve something like this:

“I am a Mormon dating outside my faith, which isn’t generally encouraged. It’s because I’m struggling with certain teachings I’m not sure I believe. But we do have something called the LoC, where we don’t engage in sexual activity before marriage, and that is something I do believe and so, I won’t be having casual sex. I will only have sex with my husband.” (This will not shock every non-member you come across either. Many faiths hold this belief and there is a wide range of what people will do sexually under particular circumstances.)

Or, maybe you believe almost nothing, or some parts, or whatever. The point is, in dating, you need to cover the pertinent points that apply to your particular situation and your experience will reflect how transparent you are. It increases the chance of finding people to date who accept who you really are. It helps if you are ready to accept who they are too. It’s better to scare someone off from the start than to pretend and then drop important gems on them in the sixth month of dating, where they suddenly find out you want them to convert, give you a quiver-full of kids and support you financially, when that framework is not on their radar. You will have wasted two people’s valuable time.

We have had comments on the previous threads of the dire consequences of sex outside of marriage. This is based on some reported horror stories. Yes, there are repercussions to having casual sex or sex under some conditions acceptable to you- and not all of them are negative. I will point out, and readers/contributors to this blog will affirm, that the LDS paradigm can hold some serious horror stories as well. There are plenty of women trapped in horrible marriages they cannot leave due to financial dependency and cultural pressure. There is abuse, and not always strong support for the women in those situations. There are plenty of sexual issues related to shame and repression. I’m convinced that it isn’t the superiority of one decision over the other, but a matter of attitude and approach. And that applies to dating within and outside of our faith. What is pertinent to decide is where you fall on that dating continuum on sexual practices and expectations around the relationship. Just as withholding sex as bait for marriage isn’t optimal, neither is having sex in an attempt to create instant intimacy. Your intentions and agenda are crucial.

Just because Mormons tend to be uptight about sexual matters, doesn’t mean we can’t learn to discuss them. If you can be honest about your own sexuality with a prospective partner, it increases the probability they will respond in kind. In the non-member world, they may want to negotiate some sexual activities that do not involve penetration (as do some LDS young people as well). You are going to have to consider what works for you or not.

One thing I’ve noticed culturally that I can appreciate. Since it is generally expected that Mormons will sexually abstain (even if in reality, some do not), dating is usually more imaginative and fun, with planned activities to keep each other engaged in something other than sex. The younger non-member crowd today does a lot of hanging out and hooking up. They’ve forgotten how to enjoy the dating process in some cases and really appreciate the direction. Non-member dating isn’t as well-organized as LDS dating, as a rule. So, prepare to have ideas about what to do, because that has gone a bit by the wayside.

How do you figure out the hook-up versus a legitimate interest? Well, he’ll ask questions about you and suggest ways to get to know you better if he’s in the girlfriend mindset. He won’t try to redirect you from ideas about things to do, like concerts or attending a fair. He’s willing to do something that might require cash outlay and he sets aside the time for it. If he asks you to his apartment, tells you his room mate will be gone, or very specifically calls it a hook-up, you can assume this is a sex only cold-call. No Mormon nice girl if this isn’t up your alley. You just say no and do not show up there. Or, you do show up if this is on your agenda. The problems come into play when you ignore the signals that tell you the guy in question is on another page. Don’t see this as a failure, just work with reality and move on as soon as recognition sets in. That’s how you avoid that pertinent gap in agendas that lead to bad experiences. How do you resolve a gap in agendas? First, you have to identify it.

I’ll use my process around some dating growth I experienced as a 47 year old woman who had absolutely no idea that younger men were hitting on older women. The first 28 year old who approached me nearly gave me a heart attack. I thought I was being punked, and then, when it kept happening, I panicked and left the site for several days to rearrange my paradigm. I checked my reality. I do look younger than my age, but not 28…but they insisted they’d read my profile and knew my exact age. “It’s just a number,” some of them assured me. Easy to say when you’re 28. Those of us in different stages of life know there is a boat load of experience attached to that number as it gets higher. Where we are in life and the experiences we seek can be vastly different. So, if I was to open my mind up to the experience of dating younger men, under what conditions was I willing to do this? I went back on the site and began doggedly interviewing these younger men to understand the appeal of dating an older woman. I stopped talking to the hook-up junkies right off the bat, and eventually, the sincerely interested men stood out and had thoughtful replies. At that point, I realized that I was dealing with a contingent of potential dating candidates I hadn’t anticipated, but that didn’t mean I had to automatically rule them out just because it was new to me. What I had to do was decide how much younger a man could be and that had to align with my ability to treat the man seriously instead of like one of my kids’ friends. For me, that definitely did not involve men younger than my own children. I am done having children, so a younger man who wants them obviously won’t be anything more than a casual, temporary arrangement. As I grew more experienced in going out with younger men, my boundaries became more fluid and I simply shared up front with them what I found acceptable and what I did not, and I could let it depend upon the man and the situation. And let them choose to accept that, or not.

I have found the most useful thing of all is to allow people the space to accept or deny my boundaries without any attempt at my convincing them otherwise. It’s a waste of time and energy. If you identify something that you know will cause friction or try to except some person from something that really matters to you, eventually, it will catch up with you and bite you. For instance, I had a really good connection and chemistry with a man who I ended up not dating because he told me up front he had a habit of being late. It’s a trait I can’t stand. I told him I have very limited time and the reason I am probably five times more productive than average is because I don’t waste time and I don’t allow anyone else to waste my time either. He was annoyed that I shared that about myself and called it a “mood killer”. Now that’s a sign, when you put forth something that happens to be core to your personal well-being and lifestyle and a brand new person has that response. He was shocked, but I refused the date. And I gave him the exact reason. “If we were to advance to a relationship and that is your response to something really important to me, then I already know we’d be wasting our time. It would work better for you to find a woman who doesn’t mind chronic lateness or is late herself.”

Be willing to look at things realistically and be willing to walk away without seeing it as anyone’s failure.