VATICAN CITY—In an effort to prepare for his weeklong visit to the United States, Pope Francis reportedly left a set of detailed instructions taped to the door of the Apostolic Palace this weekend that explained how to take care of the Holy Spirit while he is out of town. “He’s actually pretty good when He’s left on His own, so you only need to check on Him two or maybe three times a day, tops,” the instructions read in part, before asking caretakers to stop by St. Peter’s Basilica and let the Holy Spirit wash over them for just a few minutes during each check-in, noting that the member of the Holy Trinity “enjoys the company.” “Just leave the cathedral door slightly ajar, as He tends to get a little restless when cooped up too long. You can also leave the TV on so He thinks there are people around. He likes that.” The pope reportedly concluded his note by instructing caretakers to “swing a censer around a bit” to calm the Holy Spirit’s nerves, warning that He might otherwise get stressed out and scratch up the pews.

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