Officers Cleared of Wrongdoing in Decapitation of Michael Brown's Corpse

Fanning flames of protest in cities across the country, a St. Louis County grand jury cleared three Ferguson police officers of any wrongdoing today for exhuming Michael Brown's corpse and chopping off its head.

The ruling comes one week after a Staten Island grand jury decided to not charge a white police officer in the choking death of Eric Garner, and was made by the same grand jury that chose to not indict Darren Wilson for the shooting death of Brown last month.

The grand jury indicated that there wasn't enough evidence to press charges against the cops, who claimed Brown's body had turned into a zombie.

"Responding to grunting noises from the cemetery, we observed that Mr. Brown's corpse had transformed into a zombie, dug his way out of his grave, and was lurching towards a populated area," Officer Dennis Sutter stated.

Officer Jeffrey Paige corroborated his partner's statement.

"The undead Mr. Brown would not respond to officers' instructions and repeatedly made clear his intention to consume human brains, as he grunted the word over and over with a desirous look in his eye."

The officers have insisted their sole motivation in the decapitation was to protect the public, though they have yet to explain their motivation for then urinating on Brown's headless corpse.