A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is.

The unnaturally fluorescent mass of insecurities, apparently incapable of understanding basic logic, told press that the real story was how incredible it was and how much everyone loved it.

The thing, which blankly opened and closed a hole in its face even when not speaking as if in an autonomous feeding reflex, was able to respond to human speech but experts believe it is simply mimicry, devoid of meaning.

BBC reporter Julian Cook said: “It appeared to answer questions, but when you read back the answers they’re nothing but a torrent of unconnected words mixed with a keening refrain of pathetic self-praise.

“We believe this creature actually feeds on adulation and has adapted to seek out high concentrations of it, but instead is now exposed to unprecedented levels of toxic criticism causing it to lash out.”

He added: “Its neediness is almost to be pitied, if it wasn’t such a contemptible sack of orange shit.”