Text Post Wed, May. 01, 2013 236 notes

I’ve been reading through this blog for a few days and noticed that the bulk of the submissions are about horror stories and bad experiences and the like. So how about a bit of some good experiences from my days as the weeaboo that I undoubtedly was.

Before I begin, I’d like to say that I’m aware that many weeaboos can be awfully behaved nitwits, but unless they’re being completely out of line/deviant like in some of the horror stories, I try not to judge them too much since I, for one, was a lot happier as a dopey little weaboo absorbed in my sparkly world of kawaii animu and bishies and I actually look back on those times fondly. I’ll explain why.

I made a friend in 6th grade who I will call Ruki. Ruki was the most popular girl in our class. I was a very friendly girl so lots of kids naturally gravitated towards me as well, but I have a rather shy disposition. I had known Ruki for awhile through our large circle of friends but never thought she’d be the kind of girl I’d want to hang out with since she was so exuberant and I wasn’t. I was wrong. We became inseparable in a short amount of time; I guess opposites attracting really is a thing.

Ruki was a very open and opinionated girl and hid nothing about herself. It didn’t take long for me to learn she was a massive anime fan. All of our friends thought it was nerdy, but she didn’t care, and was always so coolly snarky that she could come up with the perfect retort for anyone who insinuated she was a geek. This made me like her even more since I was the definition of a closet anime fan. I loved it, but never mentioned it to anyone out of fear of being called a geek or something. Oh, awkward middle school years. How badly I wanted to fit in.

I didn’t watch a lot of anime, maybe a Naruto episode if it was on TV; I was more into games like Final Fantasy and Fire Emblem, but more than anything, anime art. I liked looking at the kawaii characters more than actually following a storyline. Ruki, however, spent all of her free time reading manga, watching episode after episode of anime, and listening to J-pop or J-rock. As we hung out more, Ruki fully brought out the little weeb that was already inside of me. She turned me on to watching anime instead of just looking at art and brought me out of that dreadful “emo” music phase and into Jrock. We became obsessed with Jrockers more than anything else; after moving on from the “starter bands” such as Dir en Grey, GazettE, Malice Mizer, we learned all about visual kei, oshare kei, etc. and the fact that Japan literally churned out hundreds of bands of flawless looking bishie rockers. In a short amount of time, Ruki and I knew nearly every VK/Jrock band out there, priding ourselves on knowing the obscure bands and being EXTRA special snowflakes of course. We would stay up all night doing nothing but listening to Jrock and squealing over our favorite bands and members while we watched or drew anime. Once we honed our skills, we eventually moved on to drawing our favorite band members.

9th grade came around and Ruki and I began blossoming on the outside, which would lead to a bit of confusion to others since our appearances did not match our behavior or interests. We were the antithesis to hambeasts; Ruki to this day is still the prettiest girl I know with lovely pale skin, thick black hair, and a great figure. I can admit that I didn’t grow into be a slouch, though it personally feels weird for me to say, I know I’m anything but ugly. People were baffled that the two “pretty and popular” girls would rather stay in on weekends with just each other and watch anime and be the biggest nerds imaginable. We didn’t necessarily act like weebs in public, we more or less kept our more obnoxious behavior to ourselves. Surprisingly, we thought talking in broken Japanese was dumb, “that was something only weeaboos did!”, but we did start dressing differently. Ruki was into visual kei more so than I and pulled off the style extremely well with her white skin and dark hair. She even shaved one side of her head to give herself an undercut like her favorite Jrocker at the time, to the outrage of our friends who all called her crazy. I was more interested in decora or lolita styles and wore lots of pastel dresses or skirts and bows and the like. I started curling my hair princess style everyday and then eventually went through a gyaru phase. Our huge circle of friends started shrinking because of the lack of shared interests and the fact that we didn’t care to go to large gatherings or parties anymore. When we would hang out with our other friends in school, they would stare at us incredulously as Ruki and I laughed together about all of the weeby things we loved. Everyone thought we were strange and they likely felt left out as well, so they quickly drifted away to find other friends. In retrospect, I guess I feel a little bad for not turning off weeaboo mode around our other friends, but we didn’t mind the cut ties one bit. In fact, we preferred it to be that way! We were happier with it just being the two of us since we were “different” and our other friends just “didn’t understand.” I know it’s stupid but that’s really how I felt. I felt special and unique, but more importantly, I felt like I belonged. I was very secure with myself, whereas nowadays, after becoming a member of the real and not shojo world, I don’t really feel that way.

Our usual routine consisted of staying in either her room or my room all day joking around with each other, playing videogames, Jrocking it up, etc. But we were also two girls who knew they were attractive and we loved dolling ourselves up in our Japanese clothes. We would go out to plazas in our city (where cosplayers meet up on occasion) and she would dress up as the perfect goth loli with her black hair, and I would be her hime loli with my blonde hair. People loved getting pictures taken of us or with us and it really boosted our self esteem to have people be so impressed with us. I felt so great about myself during this time in my life. Even though I know I’m not ugly, I’ve never been confident or had a lot of self esteem. Cosplaying with Ruki really made me feel like we were perfect princesses. We got creeped on a few times, and I was always bad about never being blunt with someone even though they were making me uncomfortable, but oh, no. Not Ruki. Even though she looked like a sweet doll and TONS of guys mistook her for the sweet submissive moe girl of their dreams, she was anything but. Ruki was a badass through and through who never took shit from anyone. She would chase away anyone who bothered us, never letting anyone do something we weren’t cool with, and made sure to fiercely protect me since she knew I was much more docile and wasn’t capable of telling someone off. She was like my hero!

Ruki and I understood each other so much it was scary. We were always on the same wavelength and could read each other astutely at any given time. She was always there for me through anything and did an impeccable job of knowing how to cheer me up with our anime/Jrock days. Ruki had a bit of an unstable home life, but she confided in me that having me as her best friend helped her so much. I was glad to be there for her to lean on.

I’m pretty sure that Ruki used the ideal sparkly shojo girl life to help get her through her troubles with her family. We shared dreams of moving to Japan once we got out of high school and marrying beautiful Japanese men who would love us forever. Even though we faced problems just like anyone else, it never fazed us. We were always happy as could be, and I attribute it to our shared love of all things kawaii and sugoi and the happiness it brought us. It really felt like we were sparkly shojo girls with perfect lives even if they were anything but perfect. No problem was too big to not be fixed by retreating into our own little world. We would literally laugh until we couldn’t breathe and would be sobbing, all because of our inside jokes and such, all of which came from anime or Jrock. We liked making fun of the other’s favorite characters or band members and would come up with elaborate insults and jokes for any given character/member. I kid you not when I say the laughter was endless. It was impossible to be sad when I was with Ruki.

All good things unfortunately come to an end, though. We graduated high school, and though we attempted to get into the same colleges, I got accepted and Ruki didn’t. We spent the whole summer doing our best to not think about the fact that I would have to leave eventually. We were attached at the hip, spending days on end watching anime together, perfecting our hair and makeup to match the style we wanted, or going out to strut our stuff in our best gyaru or VK outfits. It was the best summer of my life. I never felt so close to anyone.

In the final weeks before my inevitable departure to college, I packed up all of my things and lied to my parents that it was time for me to go. But when I pulled out of the driveway, I didn’t begin the trek to my new university, I went to spend my last weeks in town with Ruki, completely undisturbed and free of obligations. We stayed up until dawn every day, begrudgingly napping for a few hours every now and then, to allow for us to spend as much time as possible. That may sound pathetic but that’s truly how close we were. Everything was all sparkles and laughs and happiness until the last night, where we both hugged and cried nonstop. We devised a plan to help allay the hurt: Ruki and I would save up money for us to get our own apartment together near my college and be roommates like we always dreamt of. I could finish my schooling and she’d get a job in the area and we’d use our free time hanging out, meeting cute Asian boys, and keep on livin’ dat kawaii lyfe.

If only.

College changed everything between us. I became really overwhelmed with the stress of my courses, keeping my scholarships, and making friends who weren’t Ruki. It was hard for me since I was already shy on top of it all, but for the entirety of my academic career, I really only had one true friend. I had no idea how to socialize with anyone else. Ruki and I did our best to keep in touch, and for awhile, we did all we could. We texted and called and emailed nonstop, but life kept getting in the way. I quickly lost all my time and energy for long conversations and phone calls. At around this time, Ruki’s life at home took a turn for the worse. I wholly believe Ruki started resenting me since I was no longer able to be there for her like I used to.

And then it happened. I got my first boyfriend. It finally dawned upon me that you can be cool without being a Japanese rocker. The dream had come to an end for me. I’ll call said boyfriend Ash because guess what, he was an awkward nerd just like me with a love for Pokemon and anime. He was cute and blonde. I was smitten once I saw that others actually existed without being hambeasts. If I hadn’t been such a close minded weeb who refused to look at anyone who wasn’t Asian, maybe I would have realized that sooner! Ash was shocked that a girl like me had never been with anyone. He had been crushing on me for awhile but was intimidated to do anything because he thought I must have guys all over me or that I would hate him because we were nothing alike. Him being so dreadfully wrong basically paved the way for love at first sight. When Ruki found out, she undoubtedly felt replaced.

She did all she could to break Ash and I up. She would Facebook stalk him and text me every time a girl would post on his wall or some shit. “DID YOU SEE THAT BIMBO? THEY’RE PROBABLY FUCKING!” Immature things of the sort. I tried, I wholeheartedly tried, to keep my friendship with Ruki, but she was becoming too much. I was moving on with my life and maturing, whereas Ruki wasn’t. I know that her life was really shitty and that it was probably hard for her to make the transition from teenager to young adult and I honestly feel terrible and wish there was something I could have done. Still, we were growing apart and there was no denying it. Anime and still being caught up in acting like an unrealistic weaboo was her life and I don’t doubt that she continued clinging to that behavior because it was what used to make her happy when she had nothing to be happy about. I don’t condescend her for that, I actually feel extremely sad to know that’s why she couldn’t give up our dreams about Japan. My poor Ruki.

I don’t know the full details since we were barely talking during this time in her life, but she moved across the state to get away as far as possible from her family and all of the dysfunction. I’m sure that’s when she got her hard dose of reality. She struggled to make it on her own and got involved in some bad things.

We eventually lost touch. The texts became less frequent until they stopped altogether. I hadn’t talked to her in years, but got a message from her last month saying she was in town. So I recently met up with her for the first time since my 3 years at university, and that’s what inspired me to share our story. We’re completely different now. Ruki’s undercut has long grown out, the VK clothes and creepers shoes were all donated, thrown out are anime DVDs and Jrock CDs. taking one look at us would give you no sign that we used to be the worlds biggest Japanophiles. We’re both involved and working in fields that have nothing to do with anime or Japan. Neither of us watch anime or listen to Japanese music anymore. The phase has long been over, and to be honest, I never paid any mind to the transition, but now that I have spent the time to think about it, I’m a little sad.

The meetup between Ruki and I was mostly awkward, but she did say one thing that resonated with me. “I know it was awhile ago, and I know it was stupid, but I miss our weeaboo phase. Even though it was idiotic, it was still what we liked, and that was when I was the happiest. I felt like I had something to hope for even though it was completely ridiculous.”

I thought that Ruki and I were genuine friends and didn’t need an interest phase to keep us together, but I suppose a hard life can mess up even the best things. I don’t think she wanted to be friends with me again and had no interest in giving things another go now as our new selves. As far as I could tell, she was still harboring a grudge against me for “abandoning” her when her life was at its worst. I tried my best to explain, but it was about to spark a fight, so I held back, and then that was that. We spent the majority of the conversation not even reminiscing of how things were; it took up only seconds to go over that. We mostly talked about our current lives, and honestly, we’ve both become jaded, low-energy worker bees. In other words, adults. She made sure to make some remarks of disapproval when I told her that Ash and I had been together for all 3 years of college, and that he had recently proposed to me. that’s when things got too awkward and I made an excuse to be somewhere else. We exchanged phone numbers and emails again, our old ones having changed after so long, and then I quickly sped away. Things weren’t the same and it was sad to see someone you only know good times with and then realize that the two of you are so different now that those good times will likely never return.

Moral of the story: Growing up sucks. I feel like I made the transition to adulthood pretty well, but after my brief reunion with Ruki this past month, I couldn’t help but feel sentimental towards the way I was when I was a kid. That’s why whenever I see a weeaboo, I don’t condescend them, but rather, hope they can enjoy the kawaii dream as much as I did and not be too shell shocked once they realize it just ain’t gonna happen.

And a parting side note: I’ll always carry a bit of that life with me, seeing as I have a side job as a portrait artist and am relieved when an Asian person commissions me seeing as I still draw Asian people exponentially better than any other race. Guess it’s only natural after only drawing them for some-odd years.