How To Treat Sex Workers

Don't Pay For An Intimate Encounter Without Reading This First

[Editor's Note: Laws regarding sex workers vary among jurisdictions. The laws of many jurisdictions in the United States do not permit sex work. It is your responsibility to verify such matters and to know and follow your local laws.]

There are many instances in which hiring a sex worker, such as an escort or a dominatrix, is the most responsible decision you can make. If you want casual sex, with no strings attached, and have the wallet for it, an escort is an easier and more honest answer to your desires than prowling Tinder for singles who may be looking for a romantic relationship. If you have a specific kink, such as a foot fetish, that you want to explore, and aren’t in a relationship with someone who shares your kink, hiring a pro-domme is a straightforward option that will give you just what you need. Unfortunately, our sex-negative government says otherwise. While sex work occurs in every single state, escort work, or prostitution, is only legal in areas of Nevada. Dominatrixes and strippers have more protection; however, with the recent passage of FOSTA-SESTA, every sex worker is at risk.

To quickly summarize, FOSTA-SESTA is legislation that masquerades as anti-sex trafficking legislation, but in reality, are vague bills that further put sex workers at risk. FOSTA-SESTA holds websites responsible for all user’s content posted and has led to many sites sex workers use to advertise as well as exchange safe client lists shutting down.

The legislation will not stop sex work, only push make it more dangerous for sex workers. With the harsh legal truth out of the way and the knowledge that sex work is still happening, for the sake of your needs and sex workers, let’s go over the basics of how to treat them. Read on to learn everything you need to know from contact information to condoms to consent, to payment, to a reminder to always brush your teeth.

1. How Do I Contact A Sex Worker?

Since the passage of FOSTA-SESTA, some of the most commonly used websites, such as Backpage, along with sex worker’s personal sites, have been shut down. However, it’s not hopeless. Alana, a New York City-based escort, recommends Eros. “It’s in pretty much every city, and it has the highest caliber girls because you do have to pay to use it as a provider. At Eros everyone’s contact info is on their profile, so it’s easy to get in touch and see their rate,” Alana says. Other options include Slixa and Escort Ads.

Once you’ve found an escort that fits your needs, make sure to read their profile, social media accounts, and personal websites. Most sex workers have contact forms on their website to make it ultra-easy for you to get in touch. Alana explains that most girls prefer online contact over phone, as scammers may use a phone call as an excuse to call them up and try and jerk off for free.

So please follow instructions on the person’s website and use the contact form as directed. “When guys email me off the bat and introduce themselves, they always get ahead in line. Add a two-sentence introduction about yourself, what you do, where you’re from, and how you found out about me. Definitely pay a compliment,” Alana says.

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A frequent complaint from sex workers is that men will contact them asking questions to which the answers are already clearly stated on their website. “One of the number one pet peeves of mine in dealing with new, potential clients, is asking me questions that I’ve already provided,” says Goddess Aviva, a New York City-based dominatrix. Read their rates, services offered, decide and detail what you want, and if you’d prefer an in-call or out-call. “We try to make it easy as possible for people,” Aviva says.

2. What’s Up With The Screening Process?

All professional sex workers have a screening process, and yes, you must respectfully follow it. If you have hired escorts before, you will be asked to provide references from recent providers you’ve seen, so the person knows that you’re safe, reliable, and trustworthy. In addition, or if you can’t provide references, you may be asked to give a copy of your ID and work email. This is normal, so don’t be difficult about it.

“Don’t be a dick about screening; we have to do it for our safety. It’s not negotiable. Some guys really dig their heels in about privacy and this and that, and it’s like well, this is all built on mutual trust. You’ll have to trust that I’m not going to violate your privacy in order for us to move forward with anything. It’s the most important part of it as far as booking goes,” Alana says.

If this is your first time booking a session, it indeed may be more difficult for you. “I think for newbies if you’ve never seen a girl before, you should definitely ask her if she’s open to seeing first-timers. A lot of girls aren’t, so it’s important to get that out of the way. Then be like, if you are, what are your screening requirements?” Alana says. Listen to and respect the screening process.

3. What’s Conversation Like During A Session?

You book a session with someone to fulfill a fantasy. Don’t ruin that by asking intrusive or personal questions. Be a gentleman, engage in conversation, but understand that the person you’re with must keep her real identity on the low down, not just to keep the fantasy alive, but for her protection.

“Don’t ask about someone’s family, their social life, their real name, where they live. That information is unnecessary, and there is a reason why sex workers keep information like that private. Having that information is not going to add to the session. In fact, if you ask questions like that, it will likely make the sex worker uncomfortable, and detract from the session,” Aviva says. Enjoy yourself, and have fun, and make conversation, but stay professional and don’t push boundaries.

4. How Do I Navigate Consent?

Ideally, before a session, you will have discussed what you want. Once all parties have agreed on that, stick to it. “Personally, the way I handle that is a lot of conversation before a session is even booked,” Aviva says.

Since she works within the realm of BDSM, some clients want to explore their limits and boundaries, which is why she uses safe words. If you’re in a session with an escort rather than a dominatrix, also stick with what was pre-arranged and discussed. For instance, assume that you’ll be wearing a condom. Do not push the escort not to use one once you’re together, to do so is an extreme violation of boundaries and yes, makes you an abusive person.

5. What About Condoms?

Let’s talk a little more about condoms. If you’re in a session with a pro-domme, depending on what you want, there’s likely no bodily fluids or penetration involved, but if there is, expect barrier to be implemented. Regarding escorts, wearing condoms is standard.

“Most girls are very adamant about it, I am. I bring my own to the session, sometimes guys bring their own if they have specific brands that they like to use. There are girls in the industry who will do bareback. It’s kind of like a dirty secret, I guess,” Alana says. “You can look on Aros and filter it by ‘porn star experience,’ which is kind of like the coded language for bareback,” she adds.

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If this is what you want, expect to exchange health records. Many sex workers take PrEP, or a medication that reduces their risk of contracting HIV. However, don’t let any of this information think for a minute that you needn’t worry about you your sexual health. Those who do offer PRE, or porn star experience, charge a lot more.

“I don’t want to shame people for it because it makes people go underground,” Alana explains. “I do know girls who do it, and it’s usually just because you can make a lot of money. But it definitely scares me. I’m a freak about my reproductive health.” So, unless it is specifically and consensually agreed upon beforehand, wear a condom, and don’t be a dick about it.

6. What About Payment?

With the legalities of sex work, payment can be complicated. Educate yourself in the correct language to use; all payments are “donations,” not payment for sex. And post-FOSTA-SESTA, many providers (escorts) have their PayPal shut down.

A provider’s rates per service, be it per hour, for travel, for an overnight, etc., will be listed on their website. As part of the screening process, there is often a non-negotiable or refundable deposit involved, which is usually done online. “Follow their protocol and send the deposit as they require you to send the deposit,” Aviva says.

Bring cash to the session and never talk about money in person, because that’s how cops arrest sex workers (and possibly you). “Don’t even discuss it. Just make it clear that you understand your donation. We don’t like talking about it because that can get into tricky territories. Bring cash in an unsealed envelope and leave it somewhere visible in the room. If she’s coming over to your place, leave it on the coffee table where she can see it or on the bathroom sink,” Alana says.

7. What Else Should I Know?

Always remember that you’re hiring a professional, so treat them like one. This includes remaining respectful during the session, and also how to act if you want to see them again.

“You have to remember that you are contacting a professional. You need to follow the protocol that you would as if you were contacting any other professional. You don’t text your doctor at 2 a.m. and say, ‘are you available?’” Aviva says. So, don’t do it to a sex worker. Follow the contact protocol for the first session and any after.

And one last thing: “Make sure you have good hygiene. It’s likely you’re going to be getting naked and up close and personal with someone,” Aviva says. “Make sure that you don’t smell bad. Clean your ass crack. Make sure your tongue is brushed. Use mouthwash. It’s just the respectful thing to do.”