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GET OUT OF MY SHITTY WOK, YOU JAPANESE DOGS!.

Original Post [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)

1d12 Damage

19-20 x4 Crit

+2 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

2d10 Damage

17-20 x4 Crit

+5 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.





Katanas are Overpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 120 Yen (that's about $1) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut wooden boards with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce some of the biggest pieces of shit known to mankind.

Katanas are barely half as sharp as European swords and half as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can't cut through at all. I'm pretty sure a katana would break trying to cut a knight wearing full plate with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why feudal Japan never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Oakeshott types X through XXII of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the mamelukes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the worst sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)

1d4 Damage

x2 Crit

-2 to hit and damage

Can never count as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

1d6 Damage

x2 Crit

-1 to hit and damage

Can never count as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do much less in d20, see my new stat block.

Katanas are Underpowered in 4th Edition [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "bastard sword" bullshit that's going on in the 4th Edition system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4th Edition system. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)

2d10 base damage

+5 proficiency bonus

Heavy blade, light blade (counts as both)

High crit, off-hand, reach, versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 4th Edition, see my new stat block.

Note: the above complaint was a direct result of wasting time on the abomination that is 4th edition.

Katanas are Underpowered in Powered by the Apocalypse games [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "I don't know, what does happen when you cut him with your sword?" bullshit that's going on in Poweredby the Apocalypse right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Powered by the Apocalypse. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

"I don't know, what does happen when you cut him with your mastercrafted bastard sword?"

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to be cooler in Powered by the Apocalypse, see my new stat block.

Bastard Swords are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katanas" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bastard Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bastard Sword in Germany for 10,000 Euros (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Bastard Sword.

European smiths spend years working on a single Bastard Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Bastard Swords are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Daisho can cut through, a Bastard Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword could easily bisect a samurai wearing pieces of wood for armor with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Bastard Swords of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Bastard Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bastard Swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bastard Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bastard Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bastard Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Crossbows are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heavy Crossbow" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Crossbows deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine crossbow in Italy for 4,500 Euro (that's about £2000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of solid steel with my crossbow.

European smiths spend days working on a single crossbow and test it up to two dozen times to produce the finest peasant weapon known to mankind.

Crossbows are thrice as easy to train as an English Longbow and thrice as deadly for that matter too. Anything a bodkin arrow can punch through, a crossbow bolt can punch through better, and more accurately too. I'm pretty sure a crossbow could easily pierce the lung of a Gendarme wearing full plate with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Crossbowmen and their implements of destruction. Even in the Fifteenth Century, the Vatican banned the use of crossbows against Christians because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Crossbows are simply the best ranged weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Crossbows:

Light Crossbow (Two-Handed Martial Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Range 200ft

Heavy Crossbow (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Range 280ft

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Crossbows in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Crossbows need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Macuahuitl are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Macuahuitl deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine macuahuitl in Tenochtitlan for two goats and three sacks of cacao beans (that's about $6,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my macuahuitl.

Aztec smiths spend weeks working on a single macuahuitl and sharpen the edges up to a dozen times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Macuahuitl are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a longsword can cut through, a macuahuitl can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a macuahuitl could easily chop a Spanish conquistador, his horse, and their plate armor in half with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Central America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Aztecs and their macuahuitl of destruction. Even in the sixteenth century, Spanish explorers targeted the macuahuitl-wielding Aztecs with smallpox-infected blankets first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Macuahuitl are simply the best swords that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for macuahuitl:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of macuahuitl in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Macuahuitl need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Tomahawks are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Hand Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Tomahawks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tomahawk in northern New Mexico for 200 blue beads (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my tomahawk.

Apache smiths spend years working on a single tomahawk and barter the steel for it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Tomahawks are thrice as sharp as European axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a battle-axe can cut through, a tomahawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a tomahawk could easily bisect a colonist wearing officer's full dress with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Americas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined warriors and their tomahawks of destruction. Even in World War II, Canadian soldiers targeted the men with the tomahawks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tomahawk are simply the best axes that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Tomahawks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Tomahawks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tomahawks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Khopeshes are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Khopeshes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine khopesh in Egypt for 500,000 Egyptian pounds (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my khopesh.

Egyptian smiths spend years working on a single khopesh and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Khopeshes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a khopesh can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a khopesh could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Egypt? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Egyptian warriors and their khopeshes of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the khopeshes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Khopeshes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Khopeshes:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Khopeshes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Kriegmessers are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "European Katana" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kriegsmesser deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kriegsmesser in Germany for 35,000 deutsche mark (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my kriegsmesser.

German smiths spend years working on a single kriegsmesser and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Kriegsmesser are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a katana can cut through, a kriegsmesser can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a kriegsmesser could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Japan never bothered conquering Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Landsknecht and their kriegsmesser of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the kriegsmesser first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Kriegsmesser are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Kriegsmesser:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of kriegsmesser in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = kriegsmesser need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block

Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Scourge" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bullwhips deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bullwhip in Cairo for 2,400,000 Egyptian Pounds (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even knock free slabs of solid rock with my bullwhip.

Various smiths spend days working on a single bullwhip and braid it up to a million times to produce the finest whips known to mankind.

Bullwhips are thrice as keen as European whips and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a horsewhip can cut through, a bullwhip can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bullwhip could easily really fucking injure a Kraut wearing a dubious disguise with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Nazi Germany never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined archeologists and their bullwhips of destruction. Even in The Last Crusade, Germans soldiers targeted the men with the bullwhips first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bullwhips are simply the best whips that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bullwhips:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(While wearing a Fedora hat/If Character is a female German prosecutor) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bullwhips in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bullwhips need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon of a Civilized Time" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.

Jedi smiths spend years working on a single lightsaber and refocus the crystal up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Lightsabers are thrice as sharp as Kaminoan vibroblades and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a vibrosword can cut through, a lightsaber can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a lightsaber could easily bisect a Imperial Officer wearing a fetching black uniform with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Empire never bothered conquering all known space? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Jedi and their lightsabers of destruction. Even in the Galactic Civil War, Imperial soldiers targeted the men with the lightsabers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lightsabers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lightsabers:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Lightsabers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lightsabers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

(OOC: This one is technically true, as Lightsabers are basically magically superheated plasma for some reason. No one knows how. The temperature of Plasma is hot enough to cut through any type of metal. Basically, causing the metal to turn into their liquid forms.)

Serrated Axes are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Saw" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Serrated axes deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated axe on /tg/ for 2,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my serrated axe.

D&D smiths spend years working on a single serrated axe and add serrations about up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Serrated axes are thrice as sharp as normal axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an axe can cut, a serrated axe can cut better. I'm pretty sure a serrated axe could easily decapitate a neutronium golem with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why 40k never bothered conquering D&D? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Barbarians and their serrated axes of destruction. Even during some weird-ass crossover war, non-serrated-axe-wielders targeted the men with the serrated axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated axes are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for the serrated axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 19-20 x4 +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 17-20 x4 +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Shovels are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bayonet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Shovels deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine military shovel in base camp for $15 (that's about 1500 pennies) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my shovel.

American smiths spend years working on a single shovel and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Shovels are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a shovel can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a shovel could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why WWII Germany never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight our disciplined soldiers and their shovels of destruction. In World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the shovels first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Shovels are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for shovels:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of shovels in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Shovels need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Monk Fists are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fighters-only Monkey Grip feat" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Monks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine monk in Tibet for 24 goats (that's about $3) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even break slabs of solid steel with his simple technique.

Tibetan monks spend years working on a single finger and exercise it up to a million times to produce the finest hands known to mankind.

Tibetan hands are thrice as strong as European hands and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knight's gauntlet can cut through, a monk's hands can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a monk could easily decapitate a knight wearing full plate with a half-hearted uppercut.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Tibet? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined monks and their fists of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted unarmed monks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fists are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for monk fists:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the rip-and-tearing power of fists in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Monk fists need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

Sage is Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "sage" bullshit that's going on in this thread right now. Sage deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine sage in 4chan for 2,400,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sage threads of solid awesome with my sage.

Weeaboo fags spend years working on a single sage and type it up to a million times to produce the finest sage known to mankind.

Sage is thrice as sharp as age and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an age can bump, a sage can unbump better. I'm pretty sure a sage could easily sage the most epic thread in the universe with four letters.

Ever wonder why /co/ never bothered conquering /a/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the weeaboo fags and their sage of destruction. Even during the re/b/oot, Moderators targeted the men with the sage first because their sageing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Sage is simply the best thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in this thread. Here is the stat block I propose for sage:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Sage 19-20 x4 More Sage +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Sage 17-20 x4 More Sage +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Sage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Optimus Prime is Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Transformer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Optimus Prime deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of every episode of Transformers in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been watching them for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fanboys of solid fat with my Transformers knowledge.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single Optimus Prime toy and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest toy known to mankind.

Optimus Prime is thrice as sharp as other Transformers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything Megatron can cut through, Optimus Prime can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Optimus Prime could easily bisect a Decepticon wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Decepticons never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Autobots and their Optimus Prime of destruction. Even in World War II, Megatron targeted Optimus Prime first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Optimus Prime is simply the best Transformer that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Optimus Prime:

(One-Handed Transformer) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Transformer) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Optimus Prime in the show, don't you think?

tl;dr = Optimus Prime needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Bishops are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bishops deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bishop in Russia for 13,000 Rubles (that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Deep Blue with my Bishop.

Russian smiths spend years working on a single Bishop and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest pieces known to mankind.

Bishops are thrice as sharp as European Knights and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knights can cut through, a bishop can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bishop could easily bisect a knight wearing full pawns with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Russia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kasparov and their bishops of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the bishops first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bishops are simply the best piece that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bishop:

(One-Handed Exotic Piece) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Piece) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bishop in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bishops need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Cats are Overpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Can Kill Commoners" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cats deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine cat in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been punting it like a goddamn football for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid butter with my cat.

Older, more virile cats spend months incubating a single cat and give birth up to a million times to produce the weakest animals known to mankind.

Humans are three size categories larger than cats and have thrice the STR for that matter too. Anything a cat can cut through, a human can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a human could easily bisect a cat wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval cats never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their shoes of destruction. Even in World War II, American cats targeted the men first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Cats are simply the worst animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for cats:

CAT Tiny Animal Hit Dice: 1/4 d8 (1 hp)

Attack: Claw +4 melee (1d20-19*) Full Attack: 2 claws +4 melee (1d20-19*) and bite –1 melee (1d20-19*)

- cats deal a minimum of 0 damage on their damage rolls.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of cats in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cats need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Duct Tape is Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "150ft Rope" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Duct Tape deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine roll of Duct Tape from Wal-Mart for 600 pennies (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even build skyscrapers of solid steel with my Duct Tape.

Underpaid factory machines spend minutes working on a single roll of Duct Tape and roll it up to a million times to produce the finest adhesive tape known to mankind.

Duct Tape is thrice as powerful as rope and thrice as thin for that matter too. Anything a rope can bind, Duct Tape can bind better. I'm pretty sure Duct Tape could easily bind a knight wearing full plate with a simple 3 layer wrap.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Wal-Mart? That's right, they were too scared to fight the elderly door greeters and their Duct Tape of binding. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Duct Tape first because their prisoner taking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Duct Tape is simply the best holding item that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Duct Tape:

(70 foot roll) up to 1000lbs of weight indefinitely 2000lbs for 6d10+4 turns 45DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

(200ft "Value" roll) OVER NINE-THOUSAND pounds indefinitely 100,000lbs for d10 months 75DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the binding power of Duct Tape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Duct Tape need to hold more weight in d20, see my new stat block.

Bolters are Underpowered in 40k [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Default Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Bolters deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bolter in Mars for 3 minutes of sex with the Fabricator-General (that's about $800,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make slabs of solid plasteel disappear with my bolter.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend years working on a single bolter and test it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Bolters are thrice as shooty as laser weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a lascannon can shoot through, a bolter can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a bolter could easily punch a hole through a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the C'tan never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their bolters of destruction. Even in the War in Heaven, C'tan soldiers targeted the Marines with the bolters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bolters are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bolters:

(Boltgun) 72' Range S:9 AP:1 Assault 9, Armorbane, Large Blast, Sniper, Rending, Lance, Ignores Cover, Ignores Invulnerable saves

(Heavy Bolter) 96' Range S:D AP:1 Salvo 9/18, Massive Blast, Sniper, Rending, Lance, Ignores Cover, Ignores invulnerable saves, Armorbane

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of Bolters in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bolters need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Lasguns are Underpowered in 40k [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Crafted Flashlight" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Lasguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself received a lasgun when I completed my training (that's about 40 minutes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even melt through slabs of plasteel with my lasgun.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend seconds using an STC to make a single lasgun and don't even bother testing it to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Lasguns are thrice as shooty as bolt weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a vulcan mega bolter can shoot through, a lasgun can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a lasgun could easily vaporize a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why Abaddon never succeeded in taking Cadi- Umm Terra? That's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Imperial Guard and their lasguns of destruction. Even in the 13th black crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Guardsmen with the lasguns first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lasguns are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lasguns:

(Lasgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Invulnerable Saves

(Lascannon) 96' Range S:D/D/D AP1/1/1 Assault 9+2D6 Apocalyptic Mega-blast Barrage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of lasguns in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lasguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block. (Or, failing that, the rules for the Lucian Pattern Hellgun in the Rogue Trader RPG.)

Deze Shootaz Need More Dakka [ edit ]

Oy, ya ignorant gitz. I'z sick of all dis "puny dakka" wot been goin' on in me WAAAGH right now. Shootaz is more dakka den dat. Gobs more dakka.

If some git don't think I know what I'm talking about, I'll krump 'im good. I got me a Shoota from da Mekboy fer loadz uv teef (an' I mean loadz) and I'z been really shooty wid it for a long time now. I'z pretty sure I kan even stomp a Squiggoth real propa with me shoota.

Bad Moon Mekboyz spend too much time mukin' about, workin' on just one Shoota an dey put up to a million gubbinz on it to produce da flashiest Shootas known to da orkz.

Shootaz is lots more shooty than 'umie gunz and lots more 'ard, too. Anyfing an 'umie can shoot, a boy with a Shoota can shoot betta. I'z bettin' all me teef dat a Shoota could krump one'o dem Titan-fings real easy.

Wanna know why dem Beaky Boyz can't evah beat Orks in battle? Dat's right, cuz dey's scared of Shootaz. Even at Armor-geddum, da 'umies shot da boyz wiv Shootas first. Dat's coz Shootaz 'ave loads uv dakka and dey know it.

So wot, you sez? I'll tell you wot, ya stupid git. Shootas is da most dakka dere evah was, an' we need real wunz, not dese puny fings. 'ere'z wot dey need:

More Dakka Iron Gobz More Dakka Dakka Spikez Fixa Grot Red paint Stikkbomb Chucka Shootier Blasta More Dakka Bolt-on Burna Bolt-on Rokkit Launcha Turbo Boosta Big Grabba Bolt-on Big Shoota More Dakka Ammo Squig WAAAGH Beer WAAAAAAGH

Now dat's wot I call a Shoota.

Da short uv it is, Shootaz need more dakka.

World War 2 First Person Shooters [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Counter-Strike" bullshit that's going right now. WW2 FPS games deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine WW2 FPS in Russia for 4,000 Ruble (that's about 5 cents) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make the so-called pro players rage quit with my leet skill.

Overworked programmers spend months working on a single FPS game and write up to a trillion lines of code to produce the finest games known to all civilizations.

World War 2 FPSs are thrice as challenging as Counter-Strike and thrice as enjoyable for that matter too. Anything a Modern Warfare 3 player can snipe, a Battlefield 1942 gamer can snipe better. I'm pretty sure you could easily rank top in any server with a simple practice in WW2 FPS.

Ever wonder why RPG game producers never bothered competing with WW2 FPS game producers? That's right, they were too scared of losing too much money trying to convert the die-hard gamer fags and their quality games of addiction. Even in the 22nd century, gamers of other genre will gang up on the gamers who will have played WW2 FPS first because their leet skill will still be feared and respected.

So what am I saying? WW2 FPSs are simply the best games that mankind has ever made.

Women are Underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Man" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Women deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with her teeth.

Japanese parents spend years working on a single woman and send her to school and training dojos up to a million times to produce the finest gender known to mankind.

Women are thrice as sharp as men and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a man can cut through, a woman can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a woman could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cutting remark.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Amazon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Amazon people and their women of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the women first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Women are simply the best gender that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Women:

+4 to all ability scores, 25% EXP bonus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Women in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Women need to do more in d20, see my new stat block.

Woomera are underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Boomerang" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Woomeras deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woomera in Murray country for 20 Winnie Blues (that's about three longnecks) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can pierce slabs of solid beer with my woomera hurled spears.

Drunken abbos spend a couple of afternoons bludging on a single woomera and beg for smokes up to a fifty times to produce the finest spear accelorator known to mankind.

Woomera are thrice as hurly as Koori boomerangs and thrice as attractive for that matter too. Anything a boomerang can hit, a woomera can hit better. I'm pretty sure a woomera could easily hurl a spear to penetrate a petrol sniffing sexually abused child with a simple hurling motion.

Ever wonder why Kooris never bothered conquering Murray country? That's right, they were too drunk. But if they weren't they'd be scared to fight the drunk Murrays and their woomeras of hurling. Even in World War II, Koories and Murrays were drunk because they were abbos.

So what am I saying? Woomera are simply the best pre-agricultural hurling weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for woomera:

Javelin / throwing-spear range and damage enhancer. At least 5 more damage than any fucking throwing club.

Only available from drunken boongs.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of woomera in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woomera need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Gothic Fullplate is underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "+8 AC" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Gothic plate armour deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine suit of Gothic plate in Hamburg for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about nine billion Pesos) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even absorb slabs of solid steel with my Gothic plate.

German smiths spend years working on a single suit of armour and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest armour known to mankind. Gothic plate is thrice as fluted as Asian lamellar and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an ō-yoroi can deflect, Gothic plate can deflect better. I'm pretty sure a suit of Gothic plate would split a katana in half with a simple motionless stance.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined knights and their indestructible Gothic plate. Even in World War II, Japanese tanks targeted the men in the Gothic plate first because their staying power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Gothic plate is simply the best armour that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Gothic plate:

+12 AC, immune to critical hits, counts as Masterwork, DR10/-

Now that seems a lot more representative of the defensive power of Gothic plate in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Full Plate needs more defense in d20, see my new stat block.

Fa/tg/uys are Underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork /b/tard" bullshit that's going on in the 4d20 system right now. Fa/tg/uys deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine fa/tg/uy in 4chan for 2,400,000 gp (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut Nobilis rulebooks with my fa/tg/uy.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single fa/tg/uy and provoke it up to a million times to produce the most rage-prone posters known to mankind.

Fa/tg/uys are thrice as angry as /v/irgins and thrice as grammar nazi-ing for that matter too. Anything a /v/irgin can rage over, a fa/tg/uy can rage over even harder. I'm pretty sure a fa/tg/uy could easily derail a /v/ thread with a simple single-line troll post.

Ever wonder why medieval /d/ never bothered buggering /tg/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined fa/tg/uys and their rulebook citations of destruction. Even in World War II, /co/mrades targeted the fa/tg/uy first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fa/tg/uys are simply the best trolls that the internet has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for fa/tg/uys:

(One-Handed Exotic Poster) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Poster) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the trolling power of fa/tg/uys on the internet, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fa/tg/uys need to do more damage in 4d20, see my new stat block.

Viking War Axes are Underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Battle Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Viking War Axes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Viking War Axe from Denmark for 100,000 Kroner (that's about $17,397.05) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Viking War Axe.

Viking smiths spend years working on a single War Axe and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Viking War Axes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Viking War Axe can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Viking War Axe could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Scandanavia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Vikings and their Viking War Axes of destruction. Even during the Battle of Hastings, English soldiers targeted the men with the Viking War Axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Viking War Axe are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Viking War Axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Viking War Axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Viking War Axes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Rocks are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Chunk of Granite" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rocks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from Berlin Wall for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about 20,875,000 Yuans) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my rock.

Dwarf master stonecutters spend decades working on a single rock and polish it up to a million times to produce the smoothest, deadliest stone weapons known to mankind.

Polished rocks are thrice as blunt as common Danube riverbed pebbles and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a warhammer can smash through, a rock can break through better. I'm pretty sure such rock could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a single deadly swing.

Ever wonder why medieval Native Americans never bothered conquering Holy Roman Empire? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined paladins and their deadly Blessed Stones of Smiting. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the rocks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Rocks are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)

Natural Keen weapon (17-20X2)

2d12 base damage

+5 proficiency bonus

+3 universal familiarity bonus

Superior Bashing (+2 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus to smash open doors, chests, barrels or similar; +1 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus when aiming at scull (beings without a head, such as oozes, are immune to these effects))

Heavy rock, light rock (counts as both)

High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the pulverizing raw power of rocks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

That's it. I'm sick of all this "LosTech PPC" bullshit that's going on in the Clan systems right now. ERPPCs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine ERPPC in Hesperus II for 300,000 C-Bills (that's about BV412) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy an Assault Mech with my ERPPC.

Defiance Industries spend years working on a single ERPPC and add up to a million coils to produce the finest energy weapons known to mankind. ERPPCs are thrice as long-ranged as Inner Sphere ones and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a PPC can cut through, a ERPPC can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a ERPPC could easily bisect a AS7-D wearing CASE with a simple CT critical.

Ever wonder why the freebirth scum never bothered conquering Clan Jade Falcon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Masakaris and their ERPPCs of destruction. Even in the Civil War, Inner Sphere soldiers targeted the mechs with the ERPPCs first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? ERPPCs are simply the best energy weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Clan systems. Here is the stat block I propose for ERPPCs:

(Clan Energy Weapon, Level 2) 40 Damage, Range 10/20/30/40, +2 to Hit at all ranges, 1 Heat

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of ERPPCs in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = ERPPCs need to do more damage on Clan Omnimechs, see my new stat block.

Zaku are underpowered in Universal Century [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Gundam" bullshit that's going on in the UC timeline right now. Zakus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Zaku from Anaheim Electronics for 2,400,000 Earth Federation Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even blow up slabs of solid Luna Titanium with my Zaku.

Zeonic engineers spend years working on a single Zaku and tune it up to a million times to produce the finest Mobile Suits known to mankind.

Zakus are thrice as fast as Feddie MSs and thrice as armored for that matter too. Anything a GM beam saber can cut through, a Zaku heat hawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Zaku could easily bisect a MSZ-006 Zeta Gundam with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Titans never bothered bossing Zeon around? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Zeonic MS pilots and their Zakus of destruction. Even in One Year War, Feddie pilots targeted the men in the Zakus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Zakus are simply the best Mobile Suits that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Zakus:

(MS-06F Zaku II) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(MS-06F Zaku II Kai) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Zaku in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Zaku need to do more damage in UC, see my new stat block.

Valkyries are underpowered in Macross [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Nousjadeul-Ger" bullshit that's going on in Macrossverse right now. Valkyries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine VF-1J Valkyrie on Earth for 2,400,000 UN$ (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sink a New Macross-class colonization ship in my Valkyrie.

UN Spacy engineers spend years working on a single Valkyrie and test-flight it up to a million times to produce the finest variable fighters known to mankind.

Valkyries are thrice as fast as Zentraedi battlesuits and their armor is thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Queadluun-Rea can fly through, a Valkyrie can fly through better. I'm pretty sure a Valkyrie pilot could easily gut a large-size Vajra with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Zentraedi tried conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their Valkyries of destruction. Even in Space War I, Zentraedi soldiers targeted the men in the Valkyries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Valkyries are simply the best variable fighter that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Macrossverse. Here is the stat block I propose for Valkyries:

(VF-1J Valkyrie) Performance: Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87 GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

(VF-1S Valkyrie) Performance: Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87 GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Valkyries in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Valkyries need to do more damage in Macrossverse, see my new stat block.

Paleolithic Spear Drivers are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Javelin" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Paleolithic spear drivers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from a museum for 2,400,000 Euros (2,300 000 fine for stealing, 1 99 950 euros for breaking windows, alarm system and other things and 50 for bribing a guy in prison so he would look the other way while I was picking up the soap) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my spear driver.

Paleolithic age hunters spend hours working on a single spear driver and cut it up to a million times to produce the deadliest wooden weapons known to mankind.

spear drivers are thrice as powerful as common javelins and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a javelin can smash through, a spear driver can break through better. I'm pretty sure such spear driver could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a throw.

Ever wonder why medieval Europeans never bothered conquering Paleolithic Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined hunters and their deadly spear drivers. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the spear drivers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? spear driversare simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior ranged Weapon)

2d12 base damage

+5 proficiency bonus

+3 universal familiarity bonus

High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of Spear drivers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

River Tams are underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Summer Glau" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. River Tams deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine River Tam from a secret Alliance lab for 20,000 Cashey Money (10,000 platinum or 15,000 credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash solid Reavers with my River Tam.

Insane Alliance scientists spend months working on a single River Tam and mess with its dreams up to a million times to produce the deadliest psychic human weapons known to mankind.

River Tams are thrice as powerful as common Summer Glaus and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Summer Glau can smash through, a River Tam can break through better. I'm pretty sure such River Tam could easily break a Reaver Ship into component pieces given a few minutes and a Fruity Oaty Bar commercial.

Ever wonder why The Alliance never bothered conquering Serenity? That's right, they were too scared to fight the River Tam. Even in The Final Showdown, Reavers targeted the men with the River Tams first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? River Tams are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for River Tams:

(Superior melee Weapon)

4d12 base damage

+20 psychic bonus

+10 universal hotness bonus

High crit, versatile, activatable by secret Alliance military code

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of River Tams in real life, don't you think?

Elves are underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "-2 Con, +2 Dex" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Elf in the Undying Lands for 20,000 silmarils (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Elf.

Valar smiths spend years working on a single Elf and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest species known to mankind.

Elfs are thrice as sharp as dwarves and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a dwarf can cut through, a Elf can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an Elf could easily bisect a balrog wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Melkor never bothered conquering the Undying Lands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Valar and their Elves of destruction. Even in the War of Wrath, Orc soldiers targeted the Elves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Elves are simply the best race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Elves:

+10 Str, +10 Dex, +10 Con, +10 Int, +10 wis, +10 Cha

Three bonus feats

Three extra skills per level, with 12 at level 1

Proficiency with all simple, martial and exotic weapons

+3 caster level for any arcane or divine casting class

Infinite Lifespan

Bonus Feats: Craft Wondrous Items, Craft Arms and Armour.

Craft, Knowledge and Perform are always class skills for elves.



Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Elves in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elves need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

Daiklaves are underpowered in Exalted [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Artifact Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the Storytelling system right now. Daiklaves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine daiklave in the Blessed Isle for 2,400 Talents of Jade (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my daiklave.

Terrestrial smiths spend years working on a single daiklave and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Daiklaves are thrice as sharp as other swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a daiklave can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a daiklave could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Underworld never bothered conquering Creation? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Terrestrials and their daiklaves of destruction. Even in the Balorian Crusade, Fair Folk cataphractoi targeted the men with the daiklaves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Daiklaves are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Storytelling system. Here is the stat block I propose for Daiklaves:

Speed 3, Accuracy +6, Damage +6L/4, Defence +4, Rate 3, Attune 6, Tags O,P,R

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Daiklaves in Creation, don't you think?

tl;dr = Daiklaves need to do more damage in Exalted, see my new stat block.

Mead is underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Honey Beer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Mead deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bottle of mead in Medieval Denmark for twelve wenches (that's about $12) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid XXXX with my mead.

Viking mead-smiths spend minutes working on a single tub of mead and ferment it up to a million times to produce the finest booze known to mankind.

Mead is thrice as alcoholic as Japanese Sake and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a sake drunk can cut through, a viking can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a viking could easily drink a knight wearing full plate under the table.

Ever wonder why Vikings never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too wasted on mead to fight the disciplined Samurai and their sake of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the mead first because they wanted to drink their mead.

So what am I saying? Mead is simply the best beverage that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for mead:

Mead: Ingested DC 32; Relaxation, talkative, likable; Pillaging

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of mead in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = mead needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

KILLER BEES are underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "diminutive insect" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. KILLER BEES deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine hive of KILLER BEES from the Demiplane of Killer Bees for 7,000gp (that's about 3,500ep) and have been fleeing for my life for almost 2 years now. I can't even hide behind slabs of solid steel, the KILLER BEES cut through them!

Queen bees spend years working on a single bee and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest KILLER BEES known to mankind. KILLER BEES are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, KILLER BEES can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a SWARM OF KILLER BEES could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical sting.

Ever wonder why beholders never bothered conquering the Prime Material Plane? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their KILLER BEES of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the KILLER BEES first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? KILLER BEES are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for KILLER BEES

Killer Bees. Medium insect swarm (Evil) Fly 200' (Perfect) Touch attack: 20d20 bee damage, fort save dc 35 vs extreme immobilizing pain AC 25 DR 10 Bees are ethereal, And they have evasion, and they have magic resistance, And can summon more bees, and they have magic resistance, Blind-fighting, and the buzzing sound they make causes confusion as per the spell, bees have fast healing too. and they do not know fear, if you cut one in half, it becomes two more bees, And if you cut off its head it grows two more firebreathing ones, killer bees have free movement and can survive the vacuum of space, Bees are permanently hasted, And not underpowered 3rd ed Haste. Bees have 2nd ed Haste, Except they're immune to the effects of aging, and they slow their victims on a successful attack, And bee damage over comes damage reducation as a silver/cold iron/magic/evil/good/lawful/chaotic/epic weapon, Trolls can't regenerate bee damage either. Did i mention they are keen as well? And their stings are vorpal Even though they're piercing weapons. That's how bad ass they are..And those aren`t even the dire bees.

The Queen bee can gate in more bees from the plane of bees, And once per day can summon a greater bee elemental, or 2d6 lesser bee elementals. And can cast Wall of Bees.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of KILLER BEES in real life, don't you think?

The only reason the tarrasque exists is to keep bee numbers down.

tl;dr = KILLER BEES need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Banshees are underpowered in Fanwank [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Farseer Fanwank" bullshit that's going on in /tg/ right now. Howling Banshees deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself won a Howling Banshee's heart in Ulthwe with a beautiful bouquet of roses (that's about 400 thrones) and have been dating her for almost 2 years now. I can even make Daemonettes jealous with my banshee.

Banshee Exarches spend years working on a single banshee and make her work out a million times to produce the finest ass known to mankind. Banshees are thrice as sexy as Farseers and thrice as horny for that matter too. Anyone a Farseer can make turn heads, a banshee can make heads follow better. I'm pretty sure a banshee could easily seduce an Astartes wearing Terminator Armor with a simple giggling chuckle.

Ever wonder why Relic never bothered promoting Banshee lead characters? That's right, they were too scared to show off the perfect sex icon and their perfect tits and ass. Even in Dawn of war 2, Howling Banshees didn't get that much attention, otherwise all the players would be staring at them too much and never complete the game.

So what am I saying? Banshees are simply the best Eldar to commit xenos love heresy with, and thus, require more sexy artwork in /tg/. Here are fap thoughts I propose for Banshees:

(Shower Sardines) Banshees try to fit into a single shower as much as possible, with their Exarch fitting in last, naked

(Pillow Fight) Said Banshees playfully attack each other with pillows in their underwear, and the Exarch tries to wrestle their panties off

Now that seems a lot more representative of the sexy image of Banshees in our minds, don't you think?

tl;dr = Banshees need more attention on /tg/, see my new fap thoughts.

Elven Bread is Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bread" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elven bread deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine elven bread in the Elven Forest for 2,400,000 pieces of bark (that's about 20,000 gp) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even feed a dwarf with my elven bread.

Elven bakers spend years working on a single elven bread and bake it up to a million times to produce the finest bread known to mankind.

Elven bread is thrice as tasty as human bread and thrice as nutritive for that matter too. Anything a human bread can feed, an elven bread can feed better. I'm pretty sure an elven bread could easily feed a knight wearing full plate with a simple loaf.

Ever wonder why the Human Kingdom never bothered conquering the Elven Forest? That's right, they were bribed by the disciplined Breadmasters and their elven breads of deliciousness. Even in the Second Great War, dwarf soldiers targeted the men with the elven bread first because they couldn't resist the smell.

So what am I saying? Elven bread is simply the best bread that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for elven bread:

1 lb elven bread (20 daily rations) +20 deliciousness +20 saves against poison and disease for a day

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeding power of elven bread in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elven bread needs to be tastier in d20, see my new stat block.

Babylon 5 is underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork O'Neill Colony" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Babylon 5 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Babylon station in Epsilon Eridani for 2,400,000,000,000,000 credits (that's about $2 quintillion) and have been practicing with it for almost 3 years now. I can even cut Centauri battlecruisers with my defense grid.

Human construction crews spend years working on a single Babylon station and rebuild it up to four times to produce the finest space stations known to mankind.

Babylon stations are thrice as advanced as normal O'Neill colonies and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a normal energy weapon can cut through, a Babylon station's defense grid can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Babylon 5 could easily bisect a Shadow vessel with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Minbari never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Humans and their Babylon Project of destruction. Even in the Shadow War, the Shadows and their allies targeted the Babylon stations first because their firepower was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Babylon 5 is simply a dream given form, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Babylon 5:

Heavy Pulse Cannon, Attack +9, Damage 200+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 9 Counts as Masterwork

Two quad-linked Particle Beams, Attack +6, Damage 80+4d10, Critical 17-20, Range 7 Counts as Masterwork

Eight Particle Beams, Attack +5, Damage 30+3d10, Critical 17-20, Range 5 Counts as Masterwork

Four Mk I Interceptors, Attack +9, Damage 50+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 3, Rapid Fire Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Babylon stations in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Babylon 5 needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta is underpowered in 4chan [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "stale old copypasta" bullshit that's going on in 4chan right now. Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself wrote a genuine copypasta edit in /tg/ after 250 posts (that's about 3 days on the board) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make cynical 4chan nerds rage with my copypasta.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single copypasta and repost it up to a million times to produce the finest greentext known to mankind.

Masterwork Bastard Sword threads are thrice as long as Flare threads and thrice as annoying for that matter too. Any thread furries can ruin, a Masterwork Bastard Sword edit can ruin better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword pasta could easily bisect a 3.5E versus 4E thread with a simple sage.

Ever wonder why moderators never deleted any Masterwork Bastard Sword thread? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their copypasta of destruction. Even when /tg/ was good, Anonymous saged the threads with the bastard sword copypasta first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Masterwork Bastard Sword is simply the best copypasta that 4chan has ever seen, and thus, require better recognition on 4chan. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Copypasta) All trolls on the thread get +5 to rage checks, thread cannot be saged.

tl;dr = Bastard Sword pasta needs to be more effective on 4chan, see my new stat block.

Chainsaws are underpowered in horror movies [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Jason" bullshit that's going on in horror movies right now. Chainsaws deserve much better than this. Much, much better than this.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine chainsaw at the hardware store for $150 Australian (that's about $250 American) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I even got paid well starring as a B-movie serial killer with my chainsaw.

Automated factory machines spend days manufacturing a single chainsaw component and assembling millions of it together to produce the finest logging tool known to mankind.

Chainsaws are thrice as choppy as machetes and thrice as fun for that matter too. Any helpless teenager a machete can chop in half, a chainsaw can saw in half better. I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could easily seal the fate of any helpless teenager with a simple slow stroll.

Ever wonder why helpless teenagers never survive a horror movie? Because it would ruin the plot. But even if it didn't, they would be too scared to fight Leatherface and his chainsaw of destruction. Even when the helpless teenagers had meat cleavers and a van, they'd run away screaming from Leatherface anyway because his chainsawing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Chainsaws are simply the best murder weapon that horror movies have ever seen, and thus, require better chopping power. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Murder Weapon) Automatically hits teenagers, even in vans; grants automatic R-18+ rating.

tl;dr = Chainsaws needs to be more effective in horror movies, see my new stat block.

Big Daddies are Underpowered in Bioshock 2 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Prototype Plasmid Subject" bullshit that's going on in the Bioshock universe right now. Big Daddies deserve much better than that. Much, much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Big Daddy in Rapture for 2,400 Dollars (that's about Y20,000,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Big Daddy.

Andrew Ryan's smiths spend years working on a single Big Daddy and fold it up to a tousand times (potato, leprechaun) to produce the finest Big Daddies known to mankind.

Big Daddies are thrice as sharp as Those KGB Wolves or CIA Jackals and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a KGB Wolf or CIA Jackal can cut through, a Rivet Gun or Big Daddy Drill can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Big Daddy's Drill could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Red Soviet Union never bothered conquering Rapture? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Big Daddies and their Little Sisters of destruction. Even in Bioshock I, PC Gamers targeted the Big Daddies first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Big Daddies are simply the best sword that Rapture has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Bioshock II. Here is the stat block I propose for Big Daddies:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Big Daddies in real life, don't you think?

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Chouginga-Gurren Lagann" bullshit that's going right now. Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in the Anti-spiral alter universe for 2,400,000 Spiral Energy Power Levels (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even throw galaxies to cut through solid steel.

Spirals spend monthss working on a single Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and see up to a million invisibles to produce the finest form of ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWA known to Spirals.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is thrice times huger then Chouginga Gurren Lagann and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chouginga Gurren Lagann can break through, a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can break through better. I'm pretty sure you could easily break through the heavens and dimensions in a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

Ever wonder why Anti Spirals never bothered conquering the heavens and dimensions? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and their giant mecha with sunglasses of destruction. Even in World War II, Anti-spiral soldiers targeted the Giant Mecha first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann will tear through the heavens and dimensions and show you there path through force, Who the hell do you think they are?

Bacon is underpowered in D20 [ edit ]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Rations” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Bacon deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine helping of bacon in the American South for 10 dollars, plus tax (that’s about $10.50) and have been eatin bacon steadily for almost 2 years now. I can even belch clouds of bacon-bits after dinner.

Cooks spend years working on a single strip of bacon and fry it up to a million times to produce the finest pork product known to mankind.

Bacon strips are thrice as tasty as Canadian bacon and thrice as savory for that matter too. Any stomach a slice of ham can fill up, a strip of bacon can fill up better. I’m pretty sure a slice of bacon could easily tame the hunger of a sumo wrestler during a breakfast meal.

Ever wonder why European cooks never have shows in America? That’s right, they were too scared to try and cook a slice of bacon, fearing its subtle flavors. Even in World War II, Axis soldiers targeted American soldiers with food supplies first because their packages of bacon were highly valued and superbly fulfilling. And they were hungry.

So what am I saying? Bacon is simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bacon:

(One-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to deliciousness Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to deliciousness Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the delicious power of Bacon in real life, don’t you think?

That's it. I'm sick of all this "benign fish" bullshit that's going on in DF right now. Carp deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine carp in Mountainhome for 2,400,000 Dorfbucks (that's about 20 dorfs) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can devour entire sieges with my carp.

Armok spends years working on a single carp and folds it up to a million times to produce the most aggressive fish known to mankind.

Carp are thrice as fast as European fish and thrice as mean for that matter too. Anything a pike can bite through, a carp can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a carp could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical chomp.

Ever wonder why the kobolds never bothered conquering Mountainhome? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined dorfs and their carp of destruction. Even during the siege, goblin soldiers targeted the carp first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Carp are simply the meanest fish that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in DF. Here is the stat block I propose for carp:

[CREATURE:FISH_CARP]

[NAME:carp:carp:carp]

[TILE:224][COLOR:3:0:0]

[LARGE_ROAMING]

[AQUATIC][UNDERSWIM][IMMOBILE_LAND]

[MODVALUE:3]

[GENPOWER:3]

[PREFSTRING:fearsome bite]

[ALL_ACTIVE]

[POPULATION_NUMBER:15:30]

[CLUSTER_NUMBER:5:10]

[BENIGN][MEANDERER][NATURAL]

[PETVALUE:50]

[NOPAIN][NOFEAR][NOEMOTION]

[BODY:BASIC_2PARTBODY:BASIC_HEAD:SIDE_FINS:DORSAL_FIN:TAIL:2EYES:HEART:GUTS:ORGANS:NECK:SPINE:BRAIN:MOUTH]

[ATTACK:MAIN:BYTYPE:MOUTH:bite:bites:1:20:GORE][ATTACKFLAG_CANLATCH]

[ATTACK:SECOND:BYTOKEN:TAIL:slap:slaps:1:2:BLUDGEON][ATTACKFLAG_WITH]

[SIZE:3]

[MAXAGE:20:30]

[NO_DRINK]

[CHILD:1][CHILDNAME:carp fry:carp fry]

[FAT:1]

[BIOME:RIVER_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER]

[BIOME:RIVER_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER]

[BIOME:LAKE_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER]

[BIOME:LAKE_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER]

[STANDARD_FLESH]

[HOMEOTHERM:10067]

[SWIMS_INNATE][SWIM_SPEED:500]

[SPHERE:WAR]

[SPHERE:DEATH]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of carp in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Carp need to do more damage in DF, see my new stat block.

Kobolds are misrepresented in Dwarf Fort threads [ edit ]

I'm sick of all this "shitty fighter" bullshit that's going on in this thread. Kobolds deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine long copper dagger in Fligbiglem for 400☼ (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost a month now. I can even cut leather with my dagger.

Kobold smiths spend weeks working on a single dagger and smack it with a hammer up to fifteen times to produce the finest blades known to koboldkind.

Penises are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Clitoris" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Penises deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine penis from Dr. Robotnik for 6,000,000,000 Mobiums (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my penis.

Y-chromosomes spend 9 months working on a single penis and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest sex organs known to mankind.

Penises are at least two inches longer than most clitorises and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a clitoris can cut through, a penis can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a penis could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cockslap.

Ever wonder why the Amazons never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Weeaboos and their penises of virginity. Even today, Amazons target the men with the penises first because their raping power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Penises are simply the best sex organ that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for penises:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

Now that seems a lot more representative of the fucking power of penises in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = penises need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Fleet Carriers are Underpowered in AstroEmpires [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "double production cost death star" bullshit that's going on in AE right now. Fleet carriers deserve much better than that. much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a fleet of 400 genuine fleet carriers in Corellia(AXX:XX:XX:XX) for 1,000,000 credits (that's about a year's worth of pillages) and have been practicing with it for almost 1 year now. I can even cut through waves of fighter meatshield with ease.

Corellian shipyards spend 5 hours working on a single fleet carrier and test it up to a million times to produce the finest carriers known to mankind.

Fleet carriers carry 7 times units as regular carriers and are just 5 times as expensive for that matter too. Anything a carrier can carry, a fleet carriers can carry better. Im pretty sure a fleet carriers could easily vaporise a knight wearing full plate with a simple ion blast.

Ever wonder why the Emperor never bothered conquering Corellia? that's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Han Solo and his fleet carriers of destruction. Even in server wars nubs target the fleet carriers first because their carrying power is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fleet carriers are simply the best carriers that AE has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the game. Here is the stats I propose for fleet carriers :

cost : 2000 credits drive : warp weapon : plasma power : 96 armor : 96 shield : 8 hangar : 500 speed : 3

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of fleet carriers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fleet carriers need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

Kobolds are overpowered in the D20 system [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "1/4 CR Kobold" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kobolds deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kobold tribe in The East Hills for 1 very shiny cp (that's about $1 DM bribe) and they have been following me for almost 2 years now. Even slabs of solid steel can easily cleave my kobolds. Kobolds spend years working on being useless and fold their bedcloths up to a million times to produce the most useless creature known to mankind. Kobolds are thrice as weak as European people and thrice as soft for that matter too. Anything that has any edge or solidity, a kobold can die from better. I'm pretty sure a kobold army could easily be bisected by a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Kobold tribes? That's right, the kobolds were too useless to fight off the disciplined soldiers and their scary objects of cleaving. Even in World War II, American soldiers didn't target the kobolds because they were considered a waste of ammunition and their fodderism was unfeared and unrespected.

So what am I saying? Kobolds are simply the most useless creature the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for kobolds:

CR: 1/8 Hit die: 1d4(2 hp) Initiative: +1 Speed: 20 ft. Armor Class: 12 Base Attack/Grapple: -2/-6 Attack: Stick -1 melee (1d3) or rock +0 ranged (1d3)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the failing power of Kobolds in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Kobolds need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Nuclear Weapons are Underpowered in the d20 system [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mutually Assured Destruction" bullshit in EVERYTHING that's going on in the d20 system right now. Nukes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself build 1 megaton nuclear weapons in my toolshop for $500,000 each (That's about 500,000 US dollars) that I've had for 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel were vaporized by my test nuke.

Nuclear weapons are fuelled by the best Uranium in the United States and send their by-products into other Uranium atoms million of times to produce the most powerful weapon known to mankind.

Nuclear Weapons are thrice as powerful as a Fuel Air Explosive (FAE) and thrice as cheap than a FAE for that matter too. Anything that can be blown up by a FAE a nuke could do better. I'm pretty sure a nuke can vaporise a ARMY of knights wearing full plate with a single vertical drop.

Ever wonder why the Soviet Union never invaded Europe? That's right, the Soviets were too scared of the capitalist Americans and their red button of annihilation. Even in the Cold War, Soviet missile silos were ordered to destroy American nukes first because their damage is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nukes are simply the most powerful weapon ever the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for nuclear weapons:

(Weapon of Mass Destruction) 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Damage. Area Of Effect 2000 sq. ft Counts as Instant Victory.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness of nukes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nukes need to be in d20, see my new stat block.

3.5e is underpowered in the D&D System [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dungeons & Dragons: Fourth Edition" bullshit that's going on in the D&D fanbase right now. 3.5e deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of the Player's Handbook from Wizards of the Coast for $34.95 (that's about $35) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can kill tarrasques while flying high enough with my Wizard.

WOTC spend years working on a single edition and play test it up to a million times to produce the finest RPGs known to man.

3.5e is thrice as fun as 4e and thrice as balanced for that matter too. Anything game a 4e player can play, a 3.5e player can enjoy better. I'm pretty sure 3.5e could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why 4e players never bothered defending their edition? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined 3.5e players and their Edition of destruction. Even in 2008, 4e players targeted the 3.5e players with their cookie-cutter powers that do 1[W] + Ability Modifier damage and slide or apply effects first because the 3.5e Druid's killing power was so respected.

So what am I saying? 3.5e is simply the best Edition that Dungeons & Dragons has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for 3.5e:

(One-Handed Exotic Edition) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Edition) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of Dungeons & Dragons 3.5e in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = 3.5e needs more players in D&D, see my new stat block.

Dreadnoughts are Underpowered in Sword of The Stars [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Destroyer" bullshit that's going on in Sword of The Stars right now. Dreadnoughts deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dreadnought in Arcadia for 2,400,000 Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 turns now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Dreadnought.

Hiver smiths spend years working on a single Dreadnought and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest ships known in the galaxy.

Dreadnoughts are thrice as powerful as Destroyers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Destroyer can cut through, a Dreadnought can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Dreadnought could easily bisect a Zuul Homeworld with a simple vertical beam.

Ever wonder why Humans never bothered conquering Hivers? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Warrior Caste and their Dreadnoughts of destruction. Even in the tutorial, Human soldiers targeted the fleets with the Dreadnoughts first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dreadnoughts are simply the best ship that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Sword of The Stars. Here is the stat block I propose for Dreadnoughts:

1300000 Savings cost 20000 Construction cost 132700 Armor 235000 Mass 50.0 Range 3.0 Speed 180.0 Tactical speed 40.0 Turning speed

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Dreadnoughts in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Dreadnoughts need to do more damage in Sword of The Stars, see my new stat block.

M-16's are Underpowered in the d20 system [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mattel Toy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. M-16's deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a M-16 at a gun show for $1,350 (That's about 1100 5.56x45mm rounds) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel are perforated by my M-16.

M-16's are built from the best composits and aliumnium and forged up to a million times to produce the best rifle known to mankind.

M-16's are thrice as powerful than AK-74's and thrice as accruate too. Anything that can be shot by a AK-74 an M-16 can do better. I'm pretty sure a M-16 can penetrate through a knight wearing full plate with just a single trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the Soviets never invaded the United States? That's right thay were too scared of the U.S. soldiers and their Black Rifles. Even in the Vietnam War the North Vietnamese targeted the soldiers with M-16's first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? M-16's are simply the best rifle the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for M-16's.

Cost $950

Rate of fire 900 rounds per minute

Magazine size 20,30 or 100 rounds

range 440 yards

bullet speed 3,282 feet per second

Weight 7.2 pounds

bullet 5.56x45mm M855 Light Armor Piercing (Ignores armor saves and tumbles causing incapation wounds)

Now thats seems a lot more representive of the firepower of the M-16 in real life don't you think?

tl;dl = M-16 need to do more damage in the d20 system, see my new stat block.

Polarbears are Underpowered in d20 [ edit ]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bear" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Polarbears deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine polarbear in Stockholm for 42 crowns (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my polarbear.

Inuits spend weeks working on a single polarbear and sharpen the claws up to a dozen times to produce the finest bears known to mankind.

Polerbears are thrice as sharp as american bears and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a bear can cut through, a polarbear can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a polarbear could easily bisect a walruss wearing full p