Last month, a local hawk thought he’d made the catch of a lifetime when he swooped down into a nearby backyard and snagged a Chihuahua. But one week into ownership, the hawk is growing increasingly concerned that he works too much to be able to care for it.

“When I gripped that little bundle of joy in my talons, I was so excited to bring him home,” the hawk says. “But I didn’t realize what a commitment it would be! They say dogs should get 1-2 hours of playtime a day. But by the time I get home from sitting on telephone poles and dive-bombing tourists, I’m way too exhausted.”

Caring for the dog has already cut into the hawk’s professional life.

“I tried taking longer lunch breaks so I could sneak in an extra walk and some quality time,” the hawk adds. “Before I knew it, I was taking more and more work-from-nest days and missing out on some prime vole-snagging time. Needless to say, it’s been very inconvenient.”

“I told him he should’ve gone for a cat,” says the hawk’s close friend, an owl. “They’re way less time-consuming, and they don’t mind eating dead mice every night.”

When asked how the dog was adjusting, the hawk admitted crate training has been a challenge.

“I’ve heard that teaching a dog to enjoy time in a crate can be comforting for them when you’re away,” the hawk explains. “But, as far as a kennel, the best I could do was cobble together some old raccoon bones in a nest. He doesn’t seem to like it very much.”

Now, the apprehensive hawk must carefully weigh his options.

“A lot of my friends have suggested that I snatch another dog, to keep the first dog company,” the hawk laments. “But one dog is already so expensive. Plus, the dog walkers from the apps always complain about having to climb the 250-foot redwood tree I live in. It’s a whole thing.”

“I hope my experience can be a cautionary tale for all working birds. I don’t want to surrender the dog to a shelter, but it might be the best option for both of us,” the hawk admits, wiping a tear from his third eyelid.

“Or I guess I could just eat him.”