This week, Mac DeMarco asked his fans to send him some fan fiction about himself. You’re supposed to send it in via DeMarco’s website, but I’ve decided to publish my submission publicly, because I already work for a website.

Mac DeMarco is standing near the edge of an in-ground pool, trying to pinch a polyethylene foam noodle with his big toe and the one next to it. As he opens and closes his toe-claws, the noodle floats away.

“Dammit,” Mac mutters.

His pool is littered with foam noodles, toys, and other junk — even soggy loaves of bread. It would take a whole ‘nother story to tell you why, and I don’t have that kind of time. In any case, Mac is having a rough time getting rid of all this pool trash because his elbows and knees have been duct-taped straight — an idea inspired by the early 2000s ABC Family series The Brendan Leonard Show:

The show is dead now, but Mac’s commitment to it is not. He has all the reruns on VHS, lined up against a wall in his basement. Every so often, Mac likes to pay tribute to The Brendan Leonard Show (BLS to true fans) by reenacting one of their many family-friendly stunts.

Like Brendan, Mac has gotten into the business of “curbside refreshment,” selling bacon from a roadside stand. Like Brendan, Mac has spent hours testing the slip-factor of banana peels. And like Brendan, Mac DeMarco doesn’t play ping pong... he plays Sting Pong.

Okay, back to Mac and the pool noodle. So Mac’s trying to get this pool noodle out of his pool, but his joints are stiffer than an icicle in January. Logically, he knows this stiffness is because of the big chunks of silver tape wrapped around his skin, but emotionally he thinks it could also be that he’s thirsty.

Now Mac DeMarco really is thirsty. He heads to his poolside cooler and flips the lid open with his big toe — the same one that had proved so useless just minutes before. Inside is a single tall boy of Bud Light Lime (BLL to true fans).

But when Mac cracks open the can, hundreds of small red bugs purge themselves from inside, like a wound on a freshly cut knee.

This never happened on The Brendan Leonard Show.