An Open Letter to the Owner of the Car With the “ LOUDER THAN YOUR MOM WAS LAST NIGHT ” License Plate Frame Parked at the Portland International Airport

Dear Car Owner,

I want to take the time to thank you for having vigorous sexual relations with my mom last night. Yes, she was very loud. Yes, the noise was shocking, animal, feral, blood-curdling, louder than the engine on your 2004 Nissan Altima. But to think that you had brought a post-menopausal seventy-two-year-old who had sought medical care for a hormonal imbalance resulting in vaginal dryness and complete loss of libido to orgasm multiple times over the course of, by my watch, seven hours — well, that was something our dear old mom believed would never happen to her again. She assumed her best sexual years were far behind her, and then you, with what I assume was grace, patience, fortitude, and skill, showed her what was possible with a sensitive, passionate lover. Clearly, you must be some sort of empathic sexual avatar, understanding the complexity of an elderly woman’s body and sexual needs, because, as all of us in the house last night were assured, you DELIVERED THE GOODS. While I’m sure that there are thousands of other moms in the Pacific Northwest who would benefit from the attention that you are able to provide, we are hoping that, after a few weeks to rest and reflect, you will return and give our mom the same mind-blowingly brilliant time in bed. She reports that she also very much enjoyed the neck and shoulder massage, the hair tousling, the light spanking, and the original bedtime story about pirates that you made up for her. Her blood pressure has also improved. I can see why, after a life-extending, body-affirming, spiritual and sensual union such as the one you shared with our mom last night and, by extension, our entire family, you would want to let the drivers of greater Portland know that, when treated to the deep, careful lovemaking you are capable of, women in their senior years can and will emit moans and yelps of pleasure whose decibel level rivals that of an engine on a mid-level sedan.

We really can’t thank you enough.

Respectfully yours,

Mo Daviau