TOOL NEWSLETTER

MAY, 2019 E.V.

Making better Scrabble players for nineteen years

May 2019 marks the nineteenth anniversary of my writing the official Tool newsletters. As such, I’d like to answer one of the questions that I’m frequently asked: how did I get entrusted with the job of being the writer/content manager of the band’s official website? Although I have answered this in the past, there is a new generation of equally pitchkettled fans that might not have heard the story. So here goes…

Back in early 2000 or late 1999, someone affiliated with the band (I don’t remember who) asked me to write a review of Aenima, and to be as satirical as possible. In the spoof review, I questioned whether or not the band had succumb to the dark arts, perhaps even making a pact with the devil – pacta cum daemonibus complete with looking-glass Latin contractions – to ensure the monetary success of their third album? I don’t remember what my conclusions were (and I no longer possess a copy of the piece), but I’m sure it was filled with all kinds of pseudo occult and metal band clichés. Evidently, Adam liked the piece – especially how it was “over-written” (his word) – and asked me if I would write the Tool newsletters. I replied that I didn’t think I would be the right person for the job. I didn’t know much about the band and wasn’t too interested in the current music scene. Adam explained that he DIDN’T want the newsletters to be about the band, but wanted to do something different from other band websites such as exploring subject matter that was of interest to the members of Tool. “Write about whatever you want,” he said. “You mean I get to fuck with linguistic morphologists with baffling morphemes?” “YES!” Realizing that I didn’t have to find out what Maynard’s favorite color was, or what bellytimber Justin most missed after moving from England – the type of fodder one reads in swoltery music zines – I reluctantly agreed to give it a try. “I’ll probably run out of ideas after a few months,” I said. “No, you never will. You’ll just do it.” Thus we congreeted.

In the nineteen years of writing for my – er – I mean the band’s website, the hardest thing is knowing something that would constitute real band news – something positive to relay to eager fans – only being unable to post it for a variety of reasons due to the site’s official nature. I’m faced with the same dilemma today, but hopefully (keep your toes crossed) I can make an official announcement next month. Until then, in keeping with Adam’s “write about whatever you want” pep talk to me all those years ago, and knowing the guys probably have poor internet connections in Europe, there IS something that has been on my mind for a while now.

I think that most of us would agree that Crohn’s disease – a chronic disorder that causes inflammation in the digestive system – is nothing to joke about and any FDA-approved product that offers relief from the severity of the symptoms is to be applauded. With that said, from what I can hear, the band in the T.V. commercial for HUMIRA is really… really… really terrible (unless the studio track is entitled “TrainWreck.”).

Are you telling me that the producers couldn’t find some dude in Hollywood with at least some experience in playing a guitar (especially since the actor is holding such a cool guitar). When I lived in L.A., I must have known about 50 guitarists who, while not hipsters enveloped in the fruity smoke of douche-flutes or munching on purple carrot crisps like you might expect from those in the television spot, could play damn good. And most of them could use some extra cash. Jeez, Hollywood! Even so, if that band ever plays a show here in Vegas, I’ll probably go check them out – not because of the frontchick that’s constantly bolting from the stage to the closest porta potty, but because of the gal keyboardist who certainly has her Laurie Partridge pretend chords down.

Moving along (no pun intended), here’s a link (https://mixmag.net/read/synth-technician-dosed-lsd-buchla-news) that Danny sent me about a synth technician that got accidently dosed by some 60s era Owsley LSD that was coated on a red panel of an old Buchla. Puts a whole new light on the “Source of Uncertainty” module like that featured on Danny’s new tee shirt.

http://shop.dannycarey.org

Finally, here’s hoping that everyone in Europe enjoys the unparalleled sonic and visual experience of TOOL on stage (with the support of friends FIEND). If you can’t make the shows, could I interest you in a game of Scrabble?