New Brunswick is getting ready for a tourism storm this year as premier Brian Gallant is proposing to bring two tremendous public works projects under incredible scrutiny to the shores of New Brunswick.

“We believe that if there’s, you know, so much controversy in Ottawa and Cape Breton, and they really don’t want the jobs we’ll take it” – Shawn Graham, premier of New Brunswick

Fredericton will be the new home of the incredible “Mother Canada” originally slated to be built on the Cape Breton Highlands. While its noble goal of welcoming back fallen soldiers has been curtailed slightly, it will still serve an almost equally noble purpose welcoming commuters back to the South side for work, play, or drinking in the tannery.

“I think that this statue represents everything to Fredericton,” says 15 term Mayor Brad Woodside. “Nobody would disagree, that the best part about Fredericton’s North side is the view of the South side so this statue will be a boon for Southside tourism coming from the North side.”

Dubbed Mother Fredericton, the statue will keep its original dimensions at 10 stories high but will take on a few added qualities to uniquely represent New Brunswick.

“Well first thing is that the lobby underneath the statue will be filled with VLTs, and one smoke shop. There will be no history or any of that crap tourists don’t want to see. Secondly, it will be built entirely by New Brunswick workers, but keeping with tradition they will all fly out to Alberta to build the monument and then come back home when the jobs dry up.”

Moncton will be the next recipient of a grotesque piece of architecture, receiving the “Victims of Communism” memorial originally slated to be built in front of the Supreme Court of Canada, but was denounced by critics as “blocking the view of the judges”, and “I don’t understand what it’s supposed to be.”

The work will be renamed the “Victims of Official bilingualism” memorial and will be dedicated to the tens of thousands of uni-lingual New Brunswickers who are unable to obtain a provincial government or NB Liquor commission job. Most of these victims are English and as such, vowed to never learn French.

“Well it’s stupid, because all French people can speak English anyways so why would I bother?” – Unilingual resident John Leblanc

While some residents are opposed to using tax dollars for what they consider “trivial” projects, NB premier David Alward was clear that ‘most of our tax dollars comes from Ottawa anyways, so don’t worry about it.’ Others are excited and are planning on coming to the cities to see where they are being built and to inquire as to whether construction would be year round, or only in the summer, which would allow them to collect EI on the off season.

Currently the monuments are set to open in July of 2016. Tourism New Brunswick is seeking resumes from all interested applicants, although any prospective worker would have to be bilingual to be considered.

BITB