Okay so the guys and girls over at Mancrates asked me to come up with some useful items for surviving a horror movie! Since I run Zombie Guide Magazine, expect nothing but amazingly useful and serious items to survive the most gruesome horror movies. Ready? Here we go..

1. Axe

Nothing says horror more than a bad guy with a scary mask and an axe. Usually chasing down a helpless dumb blonde woman, who constantly makes the wrong choices. Leaving the audience screaming for her not to go down that scary staircase. But as always, she goes anyway and gets hacked and slashed to death by the crazy psychopath. So not to be defenseless, she’s going to need a weapon. For obvious reasons I’m not suggesting guns, because movies are “shot” in Hollywood and guns are pretty much banned there. Anyway, give her some Axe bodyspray! Upon seeing the villain, grab the spray and cover the crook its contents. Hordes of attractive blonde women like herself will flood the scene in seconds! Suffocating the villain in more willing victims than he could ever have wished for. Just like a gazelle distracting its prey by sheer numbers, you just walk right out.

2. Personal trainer

You know how people in horror movies trip over almost anything? Be it a tree log, staircase, bottle, banana (that might be cartoons…) or a corpse. It seems these people have no physical abilities whatsoever. They lack coordination, stamina and overall just seem to have no motivation to survive the whole ordeal. My suggestion for this, since we’re in Hollywood anyway, is to find a personal trainer. Not the kind who trains Britney Bitch in vomiting out food to stay thin, but the kind of trainer that gets you looking like The Rock. Think about it.. Dude from Scary Movie pops up, sees you looking like Dwayne the Rock Mutherfuckin Johnson and goes: “Fuck this shit, director I need a raise or I’m out!”. Or of course for motivation! Just tripped over that obvious tree log? Have a drill instructor yell at you: “Get your ass back up and move you maggot!!!”

3. A gun

Okay now on a more serious note and ignoring my first point, rules for a gunfight. Rule number one, bring a gun and plenty of ammo. In every damn horror movie people get stabbed or they have some maniac run after them with scissors. I mean yea sure it looks scary and all, but watch some of those scary prank video’s. About half of them that were filmed in gun friendly states end with the prankster begging for his life when someone pulls a gun. I mean, make a realistic Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie: Dude walks out swinging a chainsaw at someone…. “Victim” pulls out his Glock and puts the villain down in the first 10 seconds of the movie.

4. Clapperboard

Well this is going to save your damn life! Not only can this be used to smack zombies and other creatures in the head, it can be used to stop any dangerous situation dead in its tracks. So that creature thought it could just jump out and grab you? Wrong! Clap the board and yell “cut!”. Sure you’ll have some angry friends, producers and monsters… But at least you’ll be able to make a run for it.