Washington D.C.—

Following the recent shitty news that President Donald Trump will be able to select another illegitimate Supreme Court justice thanks to his illegitimate, Russian-bought Electoral College victory over the unambiguous 2016 popular vote winner Hillary Clinton, Mr. Trump has published his shortlist of potential picks.

“The President has expressed dissatisfaction with the ‘look’ of the current Supreme Court,” explained a top White House aide who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the internal deliberations of the Trump Administration. “He wants to bring youth to the Court—which currently is packed with wrinkly geezers—so the at the top of his list is conservative firebrand Tomi Lahren. She checks a lot of Trump’s judicial boxes for a Supreme in being young, hot and blonde. He’d prefer it if she got giant boob implants, of course, but that decision is hers to make. Also at the top of the list is his daughter Ivanka, and Trump is very excited at the idea of bringing the Trump brand to the Supreme Court, and it obviously wasn’t going to be Eric, so…. Also a plus, Ivanka is blonde as well. Trump’s really into blondes, and thinks hair color was a major miscalculation of the Obama Administration. Outside of the White House, conservative pundits throughout D.C. have expressed delight with both these top picks, despite their blatant and inappropriate lack of judicial qualifications, on account of their youth. With the current trends in life expectancy thanks to modern medicine, both Lahren and Ivanka Trump could conceivably be expected to sit on the Court for sixty years or more. Also on Trump’s shortlist is a more controversial selection, but Trump is adamant that his third-top and unconventional pick is still a viable contender. This pick is a much tougher political sell to the political world because it is an inanimate paper map of the President’s electoral victory in 2016, but Trump isn’t willing to cross it off the list yet. It remains to be seen how exactly a lifeless map would vote in Supreme Court decisions or contribute to oral deliberations and written judicial briefs, but Trump insists that the map would vote however he wants because it represents his election victory even though the pundits all thought Hillary would win.”

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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