They want to give you a trophy when you’re a young athlete whether you’re victorious or not.

It’s a better representation of the world you’ll grow up in. One with no competition. No winners. No losers.

Everyone just claps for you and wishes you the best in life. Always.

They want you to go to college because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Don’t worry about if it will actually prepare you for life in the real world. Never mind the fact that those four years might actually be better spent getting invaluable experiences and a head start on your classmates.

And that huge debt? You can pay that off over the next twenty years. No worries. At least you’ll have a degree. And soon, a white picket fence and 2.5 kids.

They want you to start acting like an adult. Stop the joking around. Get serious. Lose the childlike innocence.

In a few years you’ll be as stressed and unhappy as everyone else. But there are pills you can take for that. And hookers.

They want you to get a secure job and never take risks. Don’t worry about your passions. They can wait. A long life is promised to everyone.

Be sure to do all you can to climb the corporate ladder in a hurry. Make sure your job title impresses people.

All that matters is your socioeconomic status. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t forget that.

Always be busy. Insanely busy. Too busy to have fun or see your friends. That’s a badge of honor.

Whenever anyone asks what’s new or how you’ve been you will let him or her know that no one is busier or grinding harder than you. You haven’t had a free minute in months. You’re the king of the world.

Keep your tattoos hidden. Above the elbow and below the neck. And when the hipsters deem it appropriate to grow a big shaggy ZZ Top beard you will follow suit immediately.

They want you to let consumerism and commercialism rule your life. Spend above and beyond your means. Always be in debt.

Drive the most expensive car you can afford. You’ve got to impress people. Never let the environmental impact influence any of your decisions.

BUY. MORE. SHIT.

You need it. To clutter up your home. Then because you’ve got so much stuff you’ll need a bigger home. That’s good because that impresses people.

Remember the motherfucking Jones’s. You’ve got to keep up with them at all costs.

In 1939 they moved Thanksgiving back a week so that you had an extra seven days in the Christmas shopping season to get even deeper into debt buying more useless crap.

Never worry about how your spending affects the planet. Support big business. It doesn’t matter that those products were made by kids in sweatshops for less than a dollar a day. It matters that you have the brand name on your chest and are looking sweet.

Keep spending your money at Wal-Mart. They’re notorious for their incredibly awesome treatment of workers. And who doesn’t want one in their town? Soon every town in America will look exactly the same, all McDonalized to the hilt. All the mom-and-pop shops and local flavor will be gone. That’s what they want.

They want you to live in fear. It’s easier to control you that way. So always watch the evening news and get sucked into the sensationalism. Be careful. It’s really, really scary out there.

They don’t want you to vote. Especially if you’re not white. So stay home and uninformed.

They want you to complain all the time. About your job, your boss, the man, the government. They’re all holding you down. You could be awesome if someone didn’t always have his foot on the back of your neck.

Stop competing. Stop testing yourself.

Never face your fears. Public speaking is terrifying. Being a leader is frightening. Putting yourself out there in any way opens you up for all kinds of ridicule. Let someone else do it.

They don’t want you to worry about the fact that up to seventy million animals die each year in unnecessary medical and product tests. There’s nothing you can do about it. So fuck ‘em.

One person can’t change the world. You’re powerless. Slavery still exists and women still can’t vote. Right?

You know what would be better than learning to paint, draw or play an instrument for an hour or two at night? Watching Dancing with the fucking Stars. Put your balls in a jar and pretend you’re into it to keep your wife happy.

There will be more pills for that. And therapists. And hookers.

Always look for the quick fix. It used to take ten years to be insanely good at anything. But with new technology and “hacking” techniques you can fast forward past all that BS. Forget about enjoying the journey. Forget about actually developing a passion for something.

Stop dreaming. People will start calling you Walter Mitty, like my dad did to me. Be realistic.

Do what they want you to do. At all times. Please.

They want you to work yourself into the ground, be fat and weak, stressed beyond comprehension, live for the weekend, play Xbox, waste three hours a day on Facebook, give up your hobbies and passions, keep your eyes glued to your phone, keep up with what Kanye and Kim are doing, listen to songs that let us know nothing is more important than how much shiny shit we own and how expensive the champagne we drink is.

That’s what they want.

I say fuck that.

What do you want?

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