It’s the weekend and you and your college roommate are all set for a night of getting wickedly stoned and playing Mario Kart until the wee hours of the morning, the only problem is…you are fresh out of weed. You got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. You are so weedless you don’t even have any left-over seeds and stems. You could have sworn you had some in your emergency stash but then you remember that you smoked it all while surfing free internet porn the previous Wednesday when you were supposed to be in Economics class. You and your roommate try to get in touch with Katie, your go-to drug dealer, but it’s Friday night at 10:30 and she’s whacked out of her gourd on ecstasy and dancing her ass off at the local gay bar and doesn’t return your voice messages (which you leave 34 of – after this night Katie is no longer your go-to drug dealer – her decision, not yours). So then you start to call your friends to see if they have any weed and you find out that there is apparently a major ganja drought right now. No one’s got shit, and if they do, they ain’t sharing – they are smoking it all themselves those greedy fuck-wads! An hour later you are desperate and this is when the panic sets in. What the fuck are you going to do now?

consider the thought of just going to bed and getting a good night’s sleep – then you realize that will make you a lame-ass pussy so you don’t (you will regret this decision later). And that’s when it happens, your roommate comes out of his bedroom holding his four foot long super bong (that we dubbed the “The Wave Motion Gun” – if you get the reference good for you, if not you missed out on a great Japanime cartoon series) with a giant grin on his face. He proceeds to tell you that he heard from this dude in his Business Admin class who heard from his ex-girlfriend’s cousin that if you drink bong water you will get super duper extra high. He then sets the bong down on your coffee table as you gaze into the hand-blown glass tube at the DISGUSTING MUNGY BROWN WATER. You ask, “Uh, dude, when’s the last time you changed that shit?” Your roommate replies, “Freshman year. I think.” (you are now at the beginning of the first semester of your second senior year). You think for a very long minute, then, in true dumb-ass college kid fashion, you say fuck it.

The next thing you know, you and your roommate are staring at two pint glasses full of the most foul looking liquid you have ever seen. As you bring the glass to your lips a small part of your brain screams at you not to do this – but again, in true dumb-ass college kid fashion, you say fuck it and down that sucker. It tastes like a burnt turd wrapped in dirty ass covered in skunk fart but you manage to choke it down. Then you wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. Three hours later you are still not high, you have thrown up four times, and can’t seem to get the turd-ass-skunk taste out of your mouth. Your roommate is lying on the bathroom floor curled into a fetal position moaning for his mother. And that’s when you learn a valuable lesson – no matter what anyone says – bong water will not get you high…and you really need a girlfriend. Maybe Katie will go out with you.