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Great news for luxury festivalgoers this year at Burning Man, the newest, hottest glamping experience on the playa is at Trump Hotel Black Rock City. With the most exceptional views the playa has to offer, Trump International Burning Man Hotel & Putting Green is a sophisticated, exclusive, immersive experience that makes other turnkey camps look like a bunch of poor people built them.

Minutes away from the best DJ’s, Art installations and nightlife that Black Rock City has to offer, yet far removed from the dust and tent people who make the festival so pedestrian. Welcome to the height of luxury and radical self-expression. Welcome to Trump Hotel Black Rock City.

Trump Hotel Camp Schedule:

Tuesday: Peyote Peace Seminar By Jared

Want to solve World Peace through radical self-expression? Trump Hotel has tastemakers and international diplomats that can show you the way. On Tuesday, Elite guests will take peyote with Jared Kushner and learn how Jared has brought peace to the middle-east through being a power bottom and a real estate broker. (admittance requires Saphire Membership or above).

Wednesday: Showers From Donald

Those looking for the authentic Burning Man experience will be granted access to The Trump Golden Shower Truck, which will serenade you and all your friends with artisinal Trump water. By Wednesday morning, even the most hardcore Burners will want a refreshing shower, so open up your chakras and run after the Donald’s Golden Shower Truck. (Trump Hotel asks that you keep your mouth, eyes, and ears closed while taking Trump Golden Shower due to health concerns, participants must sign an NDA, also, seriously those water trucks at BM are carrying non-potable water).

Thursday: Sherpas for Wealthy Children

On Thursday, Trump Hotel offers 24 hour ‘sherpa childcare’ for wealthy children. Wealthy children are all given rickshaws with their own House DJ & sherpa, to pull them around the playa. Every sherpa has childcare experience, is educated in the dangers of psych trance and speaks at least 2 languages from a white European country. (services available only for children with $130k+ Gold Elite Playa Package Memberships).

Friday: Russian Meet, Greet & Sex Party

Have you ever met a deposed king? Friday night Trump Playa Bar will host a ‘radical inclusion cocktail party’ with all the Russian & soviet block guests you’ve noticed lurking around all week but have not yet spoken to. Don’t worry, all Obama listening devices have been removed, so relax and speak freely in the hottest vodka bar on the playa. Feel safe knowing that the bar and subsequent orgy will be run by ex-Russian intelligence officers and former dictators. (Crimson Package guests and above only)

Saturday: Private Viewing Party with Ivanka and…Tiffany?

On Saturday, Platinum Gold Member guests will gather on the roof of Trump Hotel to participate in the age-old Burning Man ritual of burning all the clothes and things you used on the Playa. Ivanka will also burn one item of trash (called ‘Moop’) as a sign of our civic responsibility. Then Tiffany Trump (it’s Tiffany, right?) Will give a dance performance titled ‘radical self-reliance & champagne’ from 9-11pm. There will be a lot of glowsticks. (more information on BM’s leave no trace policy here.)

Sunday: Hotel Demolition

On Sunday Don Jr & Erik will host a hotel demolition party that will make the Temple Burn look like a fucking matchbox. If safety is a concern, don’t worry, the Trump’s have already imploded three casinos, so they’ve had a lot of practice.

*This article is satire. So have a great, Trump-free, burn this year you beautiful weirdos. And whether you’re going to BM for the first time or the 20th time, do yourself a service and read The 10 Principles of Burning Man again, AND, leave your fucking Instagram in the car.