HOLISTIC MEDICINE ISGONNA KILL MY FRIEND. ( mumbling ) MY FRIEND IS GONNA DIE. HE'S GONNA DIE AND THERE'SNOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. OH, GOD ! That does it !Hmm hmm hmm hmm ! I'm going home. LOOK OUT ! OOPS. OH, I'LL NEVER SEEKYLE AGAIN. FOUR DOZEN CHEROKEE HAIRTAMPONS, PLEASE. NO PROBLEM, MAN,PAY MISS INFORMATION UP FRONT. HI, I HAVE A LITTLEPAIN IN MY BALLSWHENEVER I WATCH VH-1. HERE TRY THIS, MAN. UH, THIS IS, UH,"ALL-NATURAL BALL JUICE". WELL, I FEELBETTER ALREADY. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALMRS. BROFLOFSKI'S SON. OKAY, HERE HE IS. UH, HEY MAN, THAT KIDLOOKS REALLY SICK. YEAH, HE REALY NEEDSHIS TOXINS FLUSHED AGAIN. NO, I MEAN, HE LOOKSREALLY SICK, MAN. YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM TO,LIKE, A DOCTOR. BUT YOU'RE MORE IN TOUCHWITH THE EARTH. BUT BEING IN TOUCHWITH THE EARTH HAS NOTHINGTO DO WITH DYING, MAN. IT'S OKAY, WE TRUST THATYOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. ( rattle ) NO, MAN, THAT KIDNEEDS A DOCTOR. BESIDES WE'RE NOT ACTUALLYNATIVE AMERICANS, I MEAN... I'M MORE LIKEA MEXICAN. WHAT ?WHAT ? YEAH, MEXICAN. OH, PHTOO !OHHH !OH MY GOD ! AHHHHHHHH ! HOW DARE YOUDECEIVE US LIKE THAT ! HEY, WE NEVER SAID WE WERENATIVE AMERICANS, MAN. MISS INFORMATIONSAID THAT. YEAH, SHE SAID NOBODY WOULDBUY ANYTHING FROM MEXICANS. UH, TOXINS AREYOUR ENEMY. KILL HER ! THAT'S FUNNY. SO, NOW CAN WE TAKE KYLETO THE HOSPITAL ? YES, OF COURSE, BUT WEDON'T HAVE A KIDNEY DONOR. THAT'S ALL RIGHT,IF YOU ALL HELP, I THINK I HAVE A PLAN.

ALL-NATURALCELL PHONES ! OH, LOOK EVERYONE ! THESE ARE OUR TWORESIDENT NATIVE AMERICANS. CHIEF RUNNING PINTOAND CARLOS RAMIREZ. ( excited shouting ) DO YOU HAVE ANY NEWHOLISTIC ITEMS FOR SALE ? OH, OH YEAH... THIS IS A...DREAM CATCHER. OH, A DREAM CATCHER,I'LL BUY ONE.ME TOO. YEAH, THESE HERE ARECHEROKEE-HAIR TAMPONS. THEY'RE, LIKE, TAMPONSMADE WITH ALL-NATURAL HAIRFROM THE CHEROKEE PEOPLE. OH, A TAMPON MADE FROMCHEROKEE HAIR, NOW THATSOUNDS NATURAL. NATIVE AMERICANS ARE MOREIN TUNED WITH THE EARTHTHAN WE ARE. OH, YEAH, WE LOVETHE EARTH, MAN. OH YEAH,THE EARTH IS GREAT. MRS. BROFLOFSKI'S SONIS A LITTLE SICK. PERHAPS SHE CAN BRING HIM INTOMORROW AND YOU CAN GIVE HIMSOME SPIRITUAL HEALING. OH, SURE,WE CAN DO THAT, MAN. WE'LL GIVE HIM, LIKE,A BRAIN ENEMA OR SOMETHING. ( chuckling ) WONDERFUL ! WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW MEOVER TO THE CASH REGISTER AND I'LL TAKEA DEPOSIT ! DO YOU HAVE ANYMORESTUFF TO SELL ? WE WANT TO BUYMORE STUFF ! YES, MUCH, MUCHMORE STUFF. SURE, WE JUST GOTTA GOBACK TO OUR TRUCK-- I MEAN OUR HORSES AND GRABSOME MORE JUNK, COME ON. GOODBYE, NATIVE AMERICANS ! THE SPIRIT OF MAYAIS WITH YOU. OH, YEAH, YOU TOOAND JUNK. ( both chuckling ) OH, HI STANLEY, LOOK,I'M BUYING YOU SOME MOREALL-NATURAL TOOTHPASTE. YOU MEAN THE STUFFTHAT TASTES LIKE ASS ANDDOESN'T FIGHT CAVITIES ? THAT'S RIGHT. LOOK, UMM, I KNOW THATYOU ALL THINK THAT THE EARTH AND ITSNATURAL HEALING POWERSCAN CURE KYLE, BUT THE DOCTORAT THE HOSPITALTOLD ME IT CAN'T. WELL, OF COURSETHE DOCTOR TOLD YOU THAT, BECAUSE HE WANTSTO MAKE MONEY. HOLISTIC MEDICINEIS ABOUT NATURE. $233.00. EVERYTHING'S GOINGTO BE FINE, STAN. WE'RE BRINGING KYLE INTOMORROW TO SEE THENATIVE AMERICANS PERSONALLY. ISN'T IT POSSIBLE THATTHESE INDIANS DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ? YOU WATCHYOUR MOUTH, STANLEY, THE NATIVE AMERICANS WERERAPED OF THEIR LANDSAND RESOURCES BY WHITE PEOPLE LIKE US. AND THAT HAS SOMETHING TO DOWITH THEIR MEDICINE BECAUSE-- ENOUGH STANLEY ! NOBODY WANTSTO LISTEN, KENNY.Mmmm ? I DON'T KNOWWHAT ELSE TO DO, I MEAN HE CAN DIE, KENNY. AND THAT MEANS WE'DNEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.Uh-huh. I GUESS MAYBE I'VE ALWAYSTAKEN FRIENDS FOR GRANTED. LIKE THEY'DALWAYS BE THERE. IF A FRIEND DIED,I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO. WELL, I'M NOT JUSTGOING TO STAND HERE ANDWATCH MY FRIEND DIE ! KENNY, GO ROUND UPALL THE KIDS IN TOWNWHO WANT TO HELP KYLE. ROUND THEM UP AND MEET MEAT THE BUS STOP AT 7:30. KYLE'S GONNA LIVE !

GOOD MORNING CHILDREN,MR. GARRISON IS AWAY TODAY. I AM YOURSUBSTITUTE TEACHER, MR. WYLAND. ( whispering )OH SWEET, DUDE,SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. NOW, I UNDERSTAND THATSOME STUDENTS IN THIS CLASS LIKE TO MESS WITHSUBSTITUTE TEACHERS, BUT IF WE ALL BEHAVEAND RESPECT EACH OTHER, I'M SURE WE CAN MAKE THISA FUN AND PRODUCTIVE DAY. LET'S START WITHROLL CALL, LET'S SEE... ERIC CARTMAN.HERE. ( snickering ) ALRIGHT AND HOW ABOUTSTAN MARSH. Here. ( snickering ) IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY,GUYS, JESUS ! OKAY, AND WHERE ISKENNY McCORMICK ? HERE. ha ha !HA HA !HA HA ! OH, OH, OW ! DUDE, WHAT THE HELLIS THAT ? DUDE, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RELAUGHING SO HARD THAT MILKCOMES OUT YOUR NOSE. OH, MAN ! DUDE, YOU WEREN'TDRINKING ANY MILK.HUH ? YOU HAVE TO BE DRINKING MILKFOR THAT TO HAPPEN. NOT WITH ME, MAN. ALL RIGHT, LOOK,WHY DON'T WE SKIP ROLL CALL. HERE IS WHAT WE'REGOING TO DO TODAY. I'VE BEEN TOLD THATONE OF YOUR CLASSMATES HAS BEEN ILLFOR SEVERAL DAYS, KYLE BROFLOFSKI. HE'S FAKIN'. WELL, I'VE BEEN TOLDIN MR. GARRISON'S ABSENCE, THAT OUR ACTIVITYFOR THE DAY IS TO MAKEA "GET WELL" CARD FOR KYLE. SO I'VE GOT THISLARGE PIECE OF POSTERBOARD AND WE'RE ALL GOING TOCOME UP AND USE GLITTERAND GLUE TO DECORATE IT. AH !AH ! HE'S FAKING. KENNY, YOU COME AND DECORATETHE "GET WELL" CARD TOO. BUT, I DON'T WANT KYLETO GET WELL, I HATE KYLE. I DON'T CARE,GET DOWN HERE AND DO IT ! HEY WATCH IT, HEY,WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? NOW, THAT'SA "GET WELL" CARD. HA HA !HA HA !HA HA !

THE SCHOOL BOARD BELIEVESTHAT YOU SHOULD TAKE A... HIATUS FROM TEACHING,INDEFINITELY. WHAT ? FRANKLY, YOUR CONDUCT HAS BEENSOMEWHAT DISCONCERTING. DID YOU KNOW THATNOT ONE OF YOUR STUDENTSKNEW WHO SAM ADAMS WAS ? WELL, WHO CARES ABOUTA GUY THAT MAKES BEER ? JESUS CHRIST, I'M TRYINGTO TEACH HISTORY ! FRANKLY, MR. GARRISON,IT ISN'T EVEN YOUREDUCATIONAL RECORD THAT WE'RE MOSTCONCERNED ABOUT, IT'S YOUR SOMEWHATSUBSTANTIAL POLICE RECORD. OH, WHATEVER ! MR. GARRISON, LAST WEEK'SCHARGES OF ATTEMPTING TOSOLICIT SEX FROM A MINOR... THAT WAS NOT ME,THAT WAS MR. HAT. ALL WE'RE SAYING IS PERHAPSYOU SHOULD TAKE A LITTLEHIATUS FROM TEACHING UNTIL THIS LITTLE CHILD MOLESTATION THINGDIES DOWN A BIT. GENTLEMEN, TEACHINGIS ALL I KNOW. IT IS THE AIRTHAT I BREATHE. WE'RE SORRY, MR. GARRISON,WE HAVE NO CHOICE. VERY WELL, I GUESSI'M NOT A TEACHER ANYMORE. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE WANTINGMY BADGE AND GUN. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRALDO NOT CARRY A GUN ! OH, SO I CANKEEP IT THEN ?

KYLE, STAN AND HIS MOTHERCAME OVER TO VISIT YOU. HELLO SWEETIE. DUDE, YOU CAN STOP FAKING NOW,WE GOT A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. ( mumbling ) KYLE ? THEY SAY IT'S HIS KIDNEYS,KYLE'S ALWAYS BEEN A DIABETIC, AND LATELY HIS KIDNEYS HAVEJUST BEEN SHUTTING DOWN. WELL, THE KIDS AT SCHOOLMADE YOU A CARD, KYLE, LOOK ! GO ON, BUTTERS.I DON'T WANNA. BUTTERS, GO ON ! OH, ALL RIGHT THEN. ♪ WE'RE SO SORRYYOU'RE NOT FEELING WELLWE HOPE YOU'RE BETTER SOON ♪ ♪ SO WE'RE BRINGING YOUSOME SUNSHINE ♪ ♪ BY SINGING YOUTHIS TUNE ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY MISSES YOU ANDTHOUGH WE HATE TO CAUSE A FUSS ♪ ♪ WE'D LIKE TO SAY"GET WELL SOON" ANDPLEASE DON'T DIE ON US ♪♪ ( mumbling ) DUDE, YOU REALLYARE SICK ! I DON'T KNOW I... I DON'T KNOW WHATTO DO, SHARON. THEY WANT HIMTO GO INTO SURGERY. THAT'S SO DANGEROUS ! SHEILA, HAVE YOU TRIEDHOLISTIC NATURAL MEDICINES ? THEY WORK WONDERS, I READALL ABOUT IT IN "PEOPLE". REALLY, IN "PEOPLE" ? THERE'S A BRAND NEW SHOPIN TOWN THAT SELLS HOLISTIC MEDICINESAND ALL-NATURAL FOODS. IT'S RUN BY THIS FASCINATING WOMAN NAMED MISS INFORMATION. OH, WELL, WITH A NAMELIKE "MISS INFORMATION",SHE MUST KNOW SOMETHING ! WHY DON'T YOU AT LEASTTAKE KYLE DOWN THERE ANDSEE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY ! OKAY, I'LL GETOUR COATS. ( mumbling ) CAN I GO NOW ?

TEACHING ISALL I KNOW. OKAY, WELL, MAYBEYOU SHOULD VIEW THIS AS A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHINGYOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. I'VE ALWAYS WANTEDTO WRITE A NOVEL. WELL, THERE YOU GO, M'KAY. BUT I NEVER KNOWWHAT TO WRITE ABOUT. WELL, THAT'S EASY,WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW. WRITE ABOUTWHAT YOU LOVE. WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ? BESIDES TEACHING ?YES. POONTANG. POONTANG ? I CAN'T HELP IT,I'M A WOMANIZERSOMETIMES, I KNOW, BUT I JUST THINK THAT GETTING A WOMAN HOME ANDGETTING SOME "HOT POON" IS ABOUT THE GREATEST THINGIN THE WORLD. WELL, THAT SETTLES IT,MR. GARRISON. WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIS GO WRITE A GREATROMANCE NOVEL. YES, THAT'S IT ! I AM GOING TO WRITETHE GREAT AMERICANROMANCE NOVEL.

TOXINS ? ALL THE HORRIBLEFOOD WE EAT, THE SODAS AND MEATSARE FILL WITH TOXINS. AND THE ONLY WAY FORUS TO GET BETTER IS TO FLUSH THOSE TOXINSOUT OF OUR SYSTEM. WESTERN MEDICINE IS SO QUICKTO CUT AND CARVE UP, BUT ALL YOUR SON NEEDSIS A TOXIN-FLUSHING DIET OF LEMON JUICEAND CAYENNE PEPPER. WOW, THAT'S AMAZING,MISS INFORMATION. DO YOU HEAR THAT, KYLE ? YOU DON'T NEED SURGERYAFTER ALL. EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT DOTHESE TOXINS LOOK LIKE ? WHAT ? HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY SEEN A TOXIN ? DON'T BE A SMARTASS,STANLEY. MRS. BROFLOFSKI, I WOULD LIKETO GIVE YOUR SON HERBSTO FOCUS ON THE KIDNEY. I HAVE THESE EXCELLENT HERBSFROM LOCAL NATIVE AMERICANS. OH, NATIVE AMERICANS ! NOW THEY KNOW HOW TOHEAL THE BODY SPIRITUALLY. ( mumbling )

WHEN REGINALD KISSEDDIANA'S LIPS, HER KNEES WENT WEAK. SLOWLY HE PULLEDHER TOP DOWN, EXPOSING HER SOFT,UNYIELDING BREAST. OH, YEAH,NOW THIS IS GETTING GOOD. JUST THE SIGHTOF THOSE BREASTS MADE REGINALD'S PENISVERY HARD. HIS PENIS WAS OFCONSIDERABLE SIZE AND NOW BEADS OF SWEATRAN SLOWLY DOWN HIS PENIS, MAKING IT GLISTEN LIKEA STRONG SWIMMER, FRESH FROMOUT OF THE POOL. IT WAS A FANTASTIC PENIS THAT SEEMED AS STRONGAS A HORSE'S LEG, YET AS DELICATE AS A FLOWERWRAPPED IN SILK. WHAT A GRAND, GRAND PENIS ! DIANA'S NIPPLES...OH, LET'S SEE. DIANA'S NIPPLES... OH, WRITER'S BLOCK,WRITER'S BLOCK ! HMM, CRAP, I'M STUCK ! OH, WELL, MAYBE THAT'S ENOUGHWRITING FOR TONIGHT, MR. HAT.

YES, POOR LITTLE DEAR. GOOD MORNING,EVERYONE. OH, THANKS FOR COMING,MISS INFORMATION. KYLE SEEMS TO BEGETTING WORSE. OOOOOO. OH, I DON'T AGREE,HE SEEMS MUCH BETTER. REALLY ?WHAT ? YES, HIS CHI IS FLOWINGMUCH NICER THAN YESTERDAY AND HIS AURAIS LIGHTER. OH, THAT'S GREAT NEWS ! OH, NO ! OH, NO,THAT'S GOOD ! THOSE ARE THE TOXINSFLUSHING OUT OF HIS SYSTEM. OOH ! THAT'S THE BEAN WITH BACON SOUPHE ATE HALF AN HOUR AGO. STANLEY, WHAT DID I SAYABOUT BEING A SMARTASS ? DON'T BE A SMARTASS. NOW, DON'T BE FOOLEDAS KYLE'S BODY SHEDS ITSELF MORE AND MOREOF ALL THE TOXINS. HE'LL APPEAR TO BEGETTING WORSE, BUT ACTUALLY HE'SGETTING BETTER. WOW ! WELL, I AM SOLDON NATURAL MEDICINES. IF ONLY I HADKNOWN SOONER. I AGREE.THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,SEND HIM IN. OH, STANLEY. HI, DOCTOR. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU ? WELL, IT'SMY FRIEND, KYLE. I THINK HE'S REALLY,REALLY SICK. HE IS REALLY,REALLY SICK, STANLEY. I WAS SEEING HIM LAST WEEKWHEN HE FIRST GOT ILL, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,HIS MOTHER HAS DECIDED TO PUT ALL HER TRUSTINTO HOLISTIC MEDICINE. BUT I DON'T THINKIT'S WORKING. ALL RIGHT, STANLEY,I'M GOING TO BEVERY HONEST WITH YOU. YOUR LITTLE FRIEND KYLENEEDS A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT OR IT'S VERY POSSIBLETHAT HE WILL DIE. DIE ? BUT KYLE'S MY BEST FRIENDIN THE WHOLE WORLD. I KNOW THIS IS A LOTTO LAY ON SOMEONE YOUR AGE, BUT THE REST OF THE TOWNIS SO GUNG-HO ONNEW AGE MEDICINE THAT I HAVENOWHERE ELSE TO TURN. I'LL GIVE KYLE MY KIDNEY,EVEN IF IT HURTS A WHOLE LOT,I DON'T CARE. THAT'S VERY BRAVE, STAN,BUT I'VE ALREADY CHECKEDMY RECORDS AND YOU AND KYLEAREN'T A MATCH FOR KIDNEYS. IN FACT, THERE'S ONLYONE PERSON IN SOUTH PARK WITH THE SAMEBLOOD-TYPE AS KYLE. WHO ? OH SH-( beep ).

Vrroo,vrooo. Bew-bew,bchhh ! COMING IN FOR ATTACK,CAPTAIN, BEW-BEW-BEWBEWBEW ! GIVE ME THESPACE CRUISER, KENNY. KENNY, YOU HAVE TO GIVE METHE SUB-SPACE CRUISER SO I CAN DESTROYTHE GANJEEZ ON CLUSTER 5 !No, no, it's mine ! ( doorbell ) MYAHH, MYAHH ! HA-HA, I BROKE YOURSPACE CRUISER, KENNY. OW ! OH, SWEETUMS, DID YOULAUGH TOO HARD AGAIN ? YEAH. WELL, SOME MORE OF YOURLITTLE FRIENDS ARE HERETO PLAY WITH YOU. OKAY, MOM. BUT, DON'T GETTOO CLOSE TO KYLE, HE LOOKS LIKE HEMIGHT HAVE "THE AIDS". WHAT'S GOING ON GUYS ? CARTMAN, WE HAVE TOASK YOU A QUESTION. A VERY SERIOUS QUESTION. OKAY. KYLE'S IN TROUBLE,CARTMAN. I CAN SEE HIM GETTING WORSERIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. THERE MIGHT BE A WAY THAT YOU CAN SAVE HIS LIFE. UH-HUH. WHAT KYLE REALLY NEEDSIS A NEW KIDNEY. OH, I THINK I SEEWHERE THIS IS GOING. UH. HIS MOM IS USING ALL THISEASTERN MEDICINE, NEW-AGEBULLCRAP ON HIM, BUT IT'S OBVIOUSLYNOT WORKING. STAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUSTASK THE QUESTION ? OKAY, WOULD YOU DONATEONE OF YOUR KIDNEYS TO KYLE ? ♪ NO-NO-NO-NO-NONO-NO-NO-NO-NO ♪ YOU ONLY NEED ONE,FAT BOY. ♪ NO-NO-NO-NONO-NO ♪♪ DUDE, ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSIS GOING TO DIE, DON'T YOUSEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IS ? ( mumbling ) ( cough ) WELL, PERHAPS I CANSEE MY WAY TO GIVING UPA KIDNEY... FOR A PRICE.OH, MY GOD ! HOW MUCH ? I DON'T KNOW, HOW MUCH ISYOUR LIFE WORTH TO YOU, KYLE ? CARTMAN, YOU ARE SO GOINGTO HELL WHEN YOU DIE ! YES, BUT UNTIL THEN I NEEDABOUT $10,000,000. Tmm-mmm-mmm-mm-mms ! WHAT THE HELL AREYOU GOING TO DO WITH$10,000,000 FATASS ? WHAT I INTEND TO DOWITH THE MONEY IS NOTAN ISSUE, IS IT ? I SUGGEST YOU START LOOKINGFOR THAT MONEY QUICKLY, KYLE DOESN'T SEEMTO HAVE MUCH TIME,TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK. COME ON, KYLE,LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. OKAY, WHERE WERE WE, KENNY ?OH, YEAH.... QUICK CAPTAIN, WE MUST DESTROYTHE GANJEEZ ON CLUSTER 5 ! GIVE ME THE SPACE CRUISER. GIVE ME IT, KENNY,MYAHH !

DIANA HAD NEVER SLEPT WITHANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE, BUT IT WAS AN EROTIC THOUGHTSHE OFTEN FANTASIZED ABOUT. OH, YEAH, MR.HAND !HOT "LESBO" SCENE COMING UP. AND AS REBECCA'S NAKED BODYLAY BEFORE HER. DIANA COULDN'T HELPBUT FEEL AROUSED. "GO ON"REBECCA SAID SOFTLY. "TOUCH ME." DIANA LEANED DOWNSLOWLY AND BRUSHED REBECCA'SBARE STOMACH WITHHER FINGERTIPS. IT FELT GOOD. LIKE A PENIS. A SOFT, BUT STURDY PENIS,THAT FELT WARM TO THE TOUCH. IN REBECCA'S MIND, SHE SUDDENLY FELT LIKESHE WAS SURROUNDED BY PENISES, THEY WEREALL AROUND HER. FLOPPING ALL AROUNDAND SLAPPING HER FACE. IT WAS AS IF SHE WAS INA REDWOOD FOREST OF PENISES. THEY PRESENTED THEMSELVES,TALL AND MIGHTY ALL AROUND HERWITH -- MR. HAT, WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING ? OH, MR. HAT !

THIS IS IT ?Mm-hmm. TIMMY ! THIS IS EVERYONE THATWANTED TO HELP KYLE ? WELL, CLYDE WASGONNA COME TOO, BUT HE SAID HIS MOM WASMAKING TACOS FOR DINNER AND CLYDE LIKESTACOS A WHOLE LOT. JESUS CHRIST. OKAY, BUTTERS, YOU TAKETHIS MEDICAL BOOK AND EVERYONEFOLLOW ME. WHERE ARE WE GOING ? WE'RE GOING TO GOTAKE CARTMAN'S KIDNEY.

WELL, ABSOLUTELY SWEETHEART,EVERYBODY DOES. BUT REMEMBER THE MOVIE"THE SHINING", WHERE THE ELEVATORS DOORS AREOPENING UP AND ALL THE -- HONEY, WHAT YOU NEEDIS A MORE ABSORBENT TAMPON. LIKE WHAT ? WELL, WHAT'S THE MOSTABSORBENT THING IN THE WORLD ? WELL, CHEROKEE HAIRI GUESS. BUT WHAT DOES THATHAVE TO DO WITH ME ? BECAUSE NOWTHERE'S NEW, ALL-NATURAL CHEROKEE HAIR TAMPONS. A COTTON TAMPON CAN ONLYHOLD SO MUCH LIQUID, OTHER TAMPONSALSO COME UP SHORT. BUT CHEROKEE HAIR HAS BEEN KNOWN FOR AGESTO BE STRONG AND POWERFUL. EACH TAMPON IS HAND WOVENFROM OVER 200 STRANDSOF CHEROKEE HAIR AND THEN BOUND TOGETHER WITHTHESE DECORATIVE NATIVE BEADS. YOU WERE RIGHT, MOM ! ALL-NATURAL CHEROKEE HAIRTAMPONS REALLY DID THE TRICK. AND WHEN YOU'REDONE USING THEM, THEY MAKE A GREAT TOYFOR JESSIE. GO, GET IT BOY ! ( male )LET THE WONDERS ANDTHE MYSTERIES OF OUR PEOPLE, LIKE, CHANGE THE WAYYOU THINK ABOUT TAMPONS.

NO, NO ! HIPPIESALL AROUND ME. HELP, MOMMY, HIPPIES ! OKAY, IT'S CLEAR ! OKAY, ME AND BUTTERSARE GOING TO GO UP AND TAKECARTMAN'S KIDNEY OUT OF HIM. KENNY, YOU STAY HEREAND GUARD HIS MOM'S DOORWITH TIMMY. TIMMY !SSHH. ( whispers )TIMMY. IF SHE HEARS HIM SCREAMINGOR COMES OUT OR ANYTHING, JUST STALL HER,ALL RIGHT ? ( whispers )TIMMY !Mm-hmm. COME ON, BUTTERS,LET'S GO. UH-OH,CARTMAN'S PIG. SSHH, GOOD PIG,GOOD PIG. SHHH, IT'S OKAY. ( squealing ) COME ON, WE GOTTAGET OUT OF HERE. OH, NO. OH, WELL,WE'RE BUSTED. SHUT UP, FLUFFY ! OH, WHEW ! HIPPIES...HIPPIES, EVERYWHERE ! THEY WANT TO SAVE THE EARTH,BUT ALL THEY DO IS SMOKE POTAND SMELL BAD, HELP ! OKAY, HERE WE GO. ( snickering ) OKAY, LET'S SEE. LOOKS LIKE IF WE CUTHERE AND HERE-- I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO BLOODY,I'M WEARING MY FAVORITE PANTS. WELL, HERE GOES NOTHING. HELP ME PULLHIS PAJAMAS UP. NO WAY,"KIDNEY BLOCKER 2000" ! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ? OH, STAN AND BUTTERS,TRYING TO TAKE MY KIDNEYARE YOU ? YOU SUCK, CARTMAN. MAYBE SO, BUT AT LEASTI WAS SMART ENOUGH TO WEARA "KIDNEY BLOCKER 2000". GODDAMMIT, DON'T YOU CARETHAT KYLE IS GOING TO DIE ? I DO, I DO CARE,LOOK HOW MUCH. LOOK, LOOK HOW MUCHI CARE.

I WOULD LIKE TOTHANK YOU FOR CHOOSING"HAREQUIN ROMANCE". YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,SO DID YOU READ THE BOOK ? YES, MR. GARRISON,WE DID READ YOUR BOOK. WELL, WHAT DID YOU THINK ? WELL, FRANKLY,MR. GARRISON, WE DON'T KNOW IF THE"HAREQUIN ROMANCE" LABELIS APPROPRIATE FOR YOU. OH, WHY NOT ? MR. GARRISON, ARE YOU AWARE THAT THE WORD"PENIS" OCCURS 6,083 TIMESIN YOUR NOVEL ? WELL, I'M SURE THERE'SLOTS OF NAUGHTY WORDS,IT IS A ROMANCE NOVEL. NO, I DON'T THINK THAT THIS BOOK REALLY QUALIFIESAS A "ROMANCE" NOVEL. NO ? NO, THIS IS WHAT WE INTHE BOOK PUBLISHING BUSINESSLIKE TO CALL... GAY. REALLY, REALLY GAY. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT ? IT'S JUST THAT THE FOCUSSEEMS TO BE ON THE MALE ORGAN. WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS MOSTLYWOMEN THAT READ THESE THINGS. IT IS. WELL, WOMEN WANT TO READABOUT "DING-DONGS". YOU THINK WOMEN CARE ABOUTTHE DETAILS OF FEMALE ANATOMY. HELL NO ! WOMEN WANT TO READ ABOUTBIG, POWERFUL SCHLONGS ! LOOK, I'VE SEEN WOMENREAD THESE THINGS. THEY SKIM ALONG, SKIM ALONGUNTIL THEY GET TO THE PARTABOUT THE PENIS, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT, SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GIVING THEM ! HMM. THERE'S NOTHING MOREI CAN DO, KENNY.

AH ! OH ! AH ! THAT SON OF A BITCH ! OKAY, ASSHOLE,GIVE ME BACK MY KIDNEY. DUDE, PLEASE,KYLE NEEDS IT. IT'S MINE,NOT YOURS, MINE ! GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOWOR THERE'S GOING TO BEHELL TO PAY ! ALL RIGHT, HERE. THANK YOU. AND YOU BETTER HOPE TO GODTHAT IT STILL WORKSJUST LIKE IT DID BEFORE. ( intercom )Doctor, Eric Cartmanis here. WHY HELLO THERE, ERIC. YOU SEE THAT,THAT'S MINE. MY ASSHOLE FRIEND STANTOOK MY KIDNEY ANDI NEED IT PUT BACK IN. PLEASE. OH, I SEE. ARE YOU SURE THAT NOWTHAT IT'S ALREADY OUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO JUST LETYOUR FRIEND KYLE HAVE IT ? NO, BECAUSE IT DOESN'TBELONG TO KYLE, IT BELONGS TO ME,IT'S MINE ! WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN,WE'LL GET YOU PREPPEDFOR SURGERY. IF YOU'LL JUSTSIGN THIS RELEASE. THANK YOU.