Alright folks. It’s been a while hasn’t it? After reviewing most national selection’s songs (apart from the shite ones), and after a 9 month hiatus, I’m back to give my personal attacks (or opinions, take your pick) on the songs in some other national finals.

So far this year, I’ve been very very underwhelmed by the lack of quality in any of these songs. When you get to a point where an Avicii imitator and Markus Riva have the two best songs of the NF season so far, you know you’ve fucked up somehow. I can only pray that the internals, or at least some better selections like Melfest or NMGP, can produce something even marginally better than the crock of shit we’ve got so far.

Anyway, today I’ll be ranting and raving about the songs from the Czech national selection. Last year, the selection had 3 mediocre songs, 2 fairly ok songs (Never Forget and Fly) and then Lie To Me, which finally did the Czech Republic justice. However, nobody seems to want to come after Miki, and the Czech redemption arc is completely gone. Anyway, let’s get to it.

Andrea Holá – Give Me A Hint:

Okay, this is actually plausible. Andrea has a superb voice, but she doesn’t use it to her full capability in the song. While it’s not terrible, it’s just not a Eurovision song. Like much of the songs in this selection, it lacks that oomph. But again, I wouldn’t be mad if this was picked.

Jakub Ondra – Space Sushi:

This song took 5 songwriters to write, and after being hyped up so much I was looking forward to it. But Jesus, my ears are crying out for help. This is like Dai Laga from last year’s Maltese selection, but without absolutely any personality. Hearing Jakub’s throaty voice over the chorus as he shouts ‘HEY!’ in the most restrained voice hurts enough, and it looks like this’ll just be another generic entry. But then suddenly, the chorus kicks in. What in the name of Christ is the instrumental doing? It’s trying to sound ‘spacey’, but it comes across more Kevin than spacey this time. With such genius lyrics as ‘If we want to be top, we must stop’, and references to whatever in the name of god Space Sushi is, it hurts me to listen to this.

Barbora Machowa – True Colors:

A friend showed me this song and informed me that Lana Del Rey had decided to enter the Czech national final, and this was one of the few hopes they had in the entire selection. And the comments section seems to universally agree. The song gives me serious Lana vibes. While the lyrics are a little bit on the generic side, the instrumental makes up for it. Probably in the top 3 in this selection.

Jara Vymer – On My Knees:

Jaroslav ‘Jara’ Vymer looks like some sort of reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself, complete with long flowing beard, so the song title seems nearly fitting for him. The instrumental is fairly gospel, and Jara’s voice warbles along with the song. As much as this song is nowhere near a Eurovision song in any way (probably more of a 15th place with juries and 19th with televoters in the semi), but I don’t hate it.

Tomas Bocek – Don’t Know Why:

I really like the guitar in this from the start. This has a cute enough feeling, and kinda gives me vibes of an Avicii song before it finishes production. Not terrible altogether, probably one of the more inoffensive songs from this selection. I’d write more, but there just ain’t much to write home about.

Lake Malawi – Friend Of A Friend:

This has a really decent beat to it. Pretty funky. I don’t like the whole ‘She was my neighbour’ talking break part, kinda disrupts the flow of the song. However, the chorus is actually pretty fun. In the company it faces, I think this is probably the best song in the selection, and definitely the most modern (though it does give me euro-disco) flashbacks. Still, I think the Czech Republic need to send Lake Malawi if they don’t want to embarrass themselves completely.

Pam Rabbit – Easy To Believe:

Pam was a backing singer for our darling Mikolas last year, so I was hopeful we might get a song kinda like Miki’s one. While the concept of the song is pretty decent, the instrumental seems like really cheaply produced. The clap sound effects are so ‘I made this song in an FL studio demo mode’, but this really does have potential. If the instrumental was refurbished, this could do stuff, but till then it’s playing second fiddle to Lake Malawi.

Hana Barbara – Poslední slova tobe

Would you believe it, the company who were responsible for Scooby Doo have come back with a song for the Czech national final? Well, I hoped we could finish strongly with the only Czech language song in the final, but it seems even the Czech speakers hate it. One particular comment said ‘she must have slept with someone important to get in’. While this isn’t completely dreadful, it just lacks absolutely all of the punch necessary. The music video is also a literal joke.

THE VERDICT

Well, I wanted to start NF season 2018 with a bang, but this was more of a cough, splutter and a fizzle. After going so well last year, they’ve dropped the ball totally, and unleashed… this upon us. Anyway, the best song out of this lot has got to be Lake Malawi‘s song Friend Of A Friend, but even that would struggle to do the business in Tel-Aviv.

What do you think, friendly reader? Who’s your favourite song from this selection? Let me know in the comments!