JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long. “Though things around us may project an illusion of permanence, the universe has suddenly reminded us that even our ability to order a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle at 4 p.m. is finite, and that we are all destined, yet again, to end where we began: with no around-the-clock drive-thru access to breakfast sandwiches,” said Trask who appeared to grow pensive as he stared into the distance and discussed the nonlinear, paradoxical order within the chaos of our ever-fluctuating reality. “I know that hotcakes and hash browns will return someday outside the traditional hours of the morning meal, just as the flat circle of time turns to bring life where once there was death. But for now, the cruel hands of fate have snatched away the breakfast menu from the afternoon and evening time. Perhaps the recursive voyage of the sausage biscuit is simply an expression of Joseph Campbell’s concept of the hero’s journey: departing, returning, departing again—such is life.” At press time, reports confirmed Trask was in a Dairy Queen parking lot meditating on the duality of mind and body after learning the Mint Oreo Blizzard would only be the Blizzard of the Month a few more days.

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