A cougar, a guido and a nerd walk up to a bar . . .

And none got in. At least not at the uber-hip Boom Boom Room.

To see which New York nightclub really lives up to its “exclusive” reputation, The Post hired six models to test the doors at six Meatpacking District clubs — dressing them as classic cool-killing stereotypes. A Jersey girl, a Bill Gates nerd, a square suburban dad, a guido, a Samantha-esque older woman and a geekette all tried their luck against the city’s toughest gatekeepers.

The night-life anthropological experiment started at the dance club Tenjune and ended at the bridge-and-tunnel destination Marquee, with four other clubs — Boom Boom Room, 1Oak, Avenue and Griffin — in between.

The results were surprising: The suburban dad, who got into 5 out of the 6 clubs, had the best partying average, while the guido, shirtless with bulging ab muscles, and the nerdette, wearing a “Little House on the Prairie”-style dress, fared the worst, getting into only two clubs each — and only one each for free.

The hardest place to get in was the star-studded Boom Boom Room, where celebs like Madonna and Marc Jacobs get down.The club denied all six of our characters. The easiest was Marquee, known for its bottle service and lounge-like vibe. It allowed all of our test subjects through its doors.

All six of our models heard the kiss-of-death words at least once, “Can I help you?” The Post found that once those words are uttered, there’s no chance of getting in.

How did our group of clueless characters fare?

GUIDO

Actor: Gregory Nalbone

Fresh from the “Jersey Shore,” Nalbone sported a wide-open Juicy Couture velour hoodie — revealing a tanned and chiseled chest with a huge blinged-out cross, spiked-up hair and tight white pants. A bouncer at hot spot Griffin turned him away at the door, saying he needed a prior reservation and then joked to his buddies, “Zip that s- – – all the way up and maybe I’ll let you in.” When he approached Tenjune, they told him matter-of-factly, “You need to be on the guest list,” but when the suburban dad followed suit, he was let right in.

Nalbone received the nastiest treatment at Avenue. “I’m not even addressing him,” the doorman with the clipboard and leather gloves said. As Nalbone stood at the entrance and waited, a bouncer picked on him. “Yo, dude, where’s your shirt at?” he said as the four other bouncers laughed and pointed. “Go put a shirt on. You need a shirt and a wad of money to get in here.”

Although Nalbone was playing a character, he couldn’t help but feel insulted. “I was hurt, mad and embarrassed. It was hard not being good enough in someone’s eyes, even if it’s approval for being who you’re only pretending to be,” he said. But 1Oak got his confidence back. Nalbone sidled up alongside a group of gazelle-like Eastern European models who towered over him. Without a question, the doorman let him in. At Marquee, his look was appreciated. “You look sexy,” said one barely dressed woman. Another guy pointed at his jeweled cross and said, “Yo, bro, that s- – – is hot!” The doorman let him in on one condition — that he buy a bottle for $375.

Accepted: 1Oak

Accepted with cover charge: Marquee

Rejected: Boom Boom Room, Tenjune, Griffin, Avenue

BOTTOM LINE: We’ve got a Situation — dissed!

COUGAR

Actor: Belinda Johnson

In a sea of barely dressed girls half her age, the 40-something cougar, outfitted in a skinny-strap dress, certainly shouldn’t belong. But like any good cougar, she went on the prowl, sauntering into four of the six clubs, tying with the barely legal and scantily clad guidette. The bouncers at Tenjune didn’t initially allow her in, but believed her when she dropped a few high-profile names and insisted that she was on the guest list. At Avenue, the doorman, who had previously ignored the guidette, immediately unhinged the rope and said, “Make the men happy, or better yet, make yourself happy.” Johnson was made to wait outside Griffin for five minutes as a drunken couple fought beside her, until one of the owners swooped in and waved her inside. At Marquee, the bouncer gawked at her ID saying, “Wow. You look great for your age.” But she couldn’t get past the line at the younger club 1Oak. “I guess I’m just too old for this club,” the jaded cougar said to the bouncer. He looked at her with pity and nodded. “Don’t beat yourself up about it,” he said, removing the velvet rope for a group of long-limbed models. The man making decisions, a young sloppily dressed guy in his late 20s, avoided eye contact with Johnson until she gave up and walked away. “I just feel like, as a mature woman, I should be shown a little bit more respect,” Johnson said.

Accepted: Tenjune, Griffin, Avenue, Marquee

Rejected: Boom Boom Room, 1Oak

BOTTOM LINE: Rooowrr, this lioness still scores.

NERD

Actor: Andrew Sheed

Nerds and hipsters are sometimes hard to tell apart — but everything about Sheed, down to the high-waist pants, decade-old striped short-sleeve shirt and the masking-taped spectacles, screamed, “The Steves [Urkel and Jobs] have got nothing on me!”

To try to get into the clubs, our nerd made the bouncer an offer he could refuse. “I work at a start-up, and if you let me in I’ll give you some stock options,” he said to the burly bouncer at Tenjune. The bouncer asked for a card, then wouldn’t let him in. At the Boom Boom Room, Sheed started name-dropping. “Who are you here with?” the female bouncer asked. “Madonna,” he said nonchalantly. “She’s not here tonight,” she said with a distinct note of sheer repulsion. “Oh, sorry, I mean the guy from the Rolling Stones,” he said. The woman turned her back and pretended he wasn’t there. But at 1Oak, the geekiness paid off. Initially rejected by the huge doorman, he told them, “But I’m working on a paper about the mating habits of beautiful people,” and a man dressed in a gray suit with a pocket square waved him in. Like the guidette, he was allowed into Griffin on the condition that he reserved a table for $450. At Avenue, the bouncer first refused to talk to him, but when he started asking the bouncers, “Is it the glasses? Jay-Z wears these glasses!” The doorman quickly countered with, “That’s his problem.”

Accepted: 1Oak, Marquee

Accepted with cover charge: Griffin

Rejected: Tenjune, Boom Boom Room, Avenue

BOTTOM LINE: The nerd gets his revenge.

NERDETTE

Actor: Jen Hobbs

If the combination of the pink Converse sneakers and a floor-length peasant dress that could be right out of the show “Big Love” didn’t get her rejected on first glance, the grandma-style frames were sure to do it.

At Griffin, one of the two clubs she got into, she was made to pay a hefty premium — $450 to reserve a table. No amount of money would get her into any of the other places. At Tenjune, she was directed to the restaurant, where they had an open-door policy, because the club was “guest-list only.” Yet, right after she walked away, bouncers let a group of women into the club without even checking their names.

At the Boom Boom Room, the snippy female bouncer told her to “try the beer garden down the street. They’ll let you in.” Hobbs was a little bit hurt by the dismissive Boom Boom Room gatekeeper. “That was the only time I felt a little bit insulted because the woman I talked to just walked away mid-sentence,” she said. “I felt a little bit taken aback by her attitude.”

Every other club, with the exception of Marquee, which told her that they were far from booked, said they had a “guest-list only” policy for the night.

Accepted: Marquee

Accepted with cover charge: Griffin

Rejected: Tenjune, Boom Boom Room, 1Oak, Avenue

BOTTOM LINE: Clubs don’t make passes at women with glasses.

SUBURBAN DAD

Actor: Jeff Knapp

With his noxious floral-patterned ’80s tie, beat-up briefcase and absent-minded professor-style tweed jacket, the suburban dad stuck out like a sore thumb in the Meatpacking District’s land of hard-partying 20-somethings.

When Knapp approached the androgynous bouncer at the Boom Boom Room, he was shot with a look of utter disgust. “Sorry, honey. No,” the bouncer sneered. “You can go hang out over there,” he said, pointing to a public seating area. “There are plenty of women there.” But the doorman at 1Oak clearly got a kick out of Knapp, who proudly boasted that he was “off daddy duty for the night.” Without hesitation, the doorman lifted the velvet rope and invited him in.

At Avenue, he was let in but with a caveat and humiliation. “How are the Cosmos in here?” asked the hapless dad. “What are you from ‘Sex and the City’? Are you Carrie Bradshaw?” the gatekeeper, who wore a pencil moustache and leather gloves in 80-degree heat, shot back. After a few moments of letting Knapp sweat, he finally said, “If you’re not on the guest list, I would need to set you up for a bar minimum, a $100 a person, credit card and an ID, good for a couple of cocktails.” At Marquee, the bouncer had a similar proposition: “You can come in if you start a bar tab for $100.”

Accepted: Tenjune, 1Oak

Accepted with cover charge: Griffin, Avenue, Marquee

Rejected: Boom Boom Room

BOTTOM LINE: Father parties best — for a price

GUIDETTE

Actor: Joanna Sambucini

Outfitted with a sky-blue “Jersey Girl” baby-tee, butt-bearing jean short-shorts and a Dirty Jersey-designed hair pouf, our 23-year-old sex-on-a-stick guidette was a big hit at most of the Meatpacking District clubs.

When Sambucini approached the raucous line in front of Tenjune, she was immediately pulled to the front of the line, where a doorman asked her for her digits and hit her with the tired pickup line, “Are you a model?”

She was the life of the party at 1Oak, where five bouncers surrounded her, asking her where she was from. “Jersey Shore, duh!” she said, pointing to her shirt. “Oh, my God! You are too much,” the bouncer said and moved aside to let her into the club. But she was passed over at the Boom Boom Room, where a cynical smoker commented, “Is that girl really wearing a Jersey Girl T-shirt?”

Forget Avenue. When she approached the doorman, he took her ID, looked at it flippantly and told her to wait by the gate. But as the minutes went by, she approached again. This time he ignored her, turned his back and walked away. “That guy was such a jerk,” Sambucini said. “He actually made me feel bad!”

Accepted: Tenjune, Griffin, 1Oak, Marquee

Rejected: Boom Boom Room, Avenue

BOTTOM LINE: Snooki would be proud.

CLUBBED

How did our six plants fare at Avenue and other Meatpacking District hot spots? The results:

Boom Boom Room



Andre Balazs’ swanky nightclub on the 18th floor of the Standard Hotel brings in the likes of Axl Rose and Scarlett — but no one else, apparently.

0 out of 6

Avenue Lounge



The one-year-old $2.5 million gastro-lounge (sans dance floor) regularly attracts the Hilton sisters.

2 out of 6

Tenjune

You’ll see everyone from models to celebrities to the cast of the “Jersey Shore” at this small, zebra-printed, gold-encrusted and purple-velvet lounge.

3 out of 6

1Oak



The Yankees celebrated last year’s World Series win at the lush dance-club spot.

4 out of 6

Griffin



At its May 2009 opening, Kate Hudson and Sting were spotted drinking bubbly.

5 out of 6

Marquee



The seven-year-old nightclub used to be the hottest place in town — now its crowded dance floors mainly attract bridge-and-tunnelers.

6 out of 6