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DESPITE a variety of equally troubling and intriguing news stories involving rural Ireland and its recurring issues hitting the headlines these past few weeks, months and millennia the Government has maintained its tactic of letting all calls from the region go to straight to voicemail.

Regardless of whether the calls revolve around jobs losses, house repossessions, thefts, drug addiction or woeful broadband, the minority, Fianna Fáil supported government has thought better of answering the pressing needs of rural Ireland preferring to let the phones ring out.

“If you don’t pick up the phone, it’s like the extensive problems successive governments have ignored do not exist,” confirmed a spokesperson for the Department of Deaf Ears, whose main task consisted on manning a number of phones and ensuring that no call is answered, under any circumstance.

“The Government is not here to answer your calls right now, but if you would like to leave a message we’ll be sure to ignore it until such a time it boils over and becomes a near insurmountable runaway train of a disaster,” went the pre-recorded voicemail message in the vast offices of the Department of Deaf Ears which has just the one person working there, part-time.

Rural issues have come into sharper focuses in recent weeks despite the best efforts of the government to convince everyone the nation’s cities is the only place people of any actual worth live.

“We announced some tax relief yoke there two years ago, what they’ve to be complaining about is beyond me,” added the spokesperson who was talking over the sound of someone leaving a voicemail about a spate of suicides.