In the spirit of Movember, I felt it appropriate to touch upon the topic of men’s mental health.

‘More men need to open up about their mental health problems’ – This is a common statement barked out in the media spotlight, it holds both truth and validity in equal measure. However, many men are unable to do exactly that, this is testament to the fact a man in the UK is 3 times more likely to commit suicide than a women. If that’s not slightly harrowing, then I’m not sure what is.

Society needs to become better acquainted with the reasons why men can’t open up, and the reasons penetrate deep at a core psychological and sociological level. Behaviour is learned and once we reach adulthood it can be difficult to change the way we process emotions and act upon them. The development through our childhood and teenage years plays a pivotal role in shaping our brains. Unfortunately, men can often go through life being trained and conditioned that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, and is therefore something we should avoid at all costs. Men exercise their own coping mechanisms, and seeking or accepting help is sometimes not even considered a last resort. To seek help is a giant leap of faith that is both petrifying and unfamiliar.

So let’s begin with the infancy of life, why has it become the norm for some parents to tell their children it’s not okay to cry? For example, ‘big boys don’t cry’. Crying is surely the most instinctual and natural response to being upset, if it wasn’t natural, then why would we do it? So when parents deny their children rightful ownership of that emotion, it can be scarily confusing and unsettling. Over time, this notion is slowly replicated through the same pattern of parenting, and the consequence, a child who is out of touch with their own emotions. If a child can’t relate to their own emotions correctly, how will they be able to relate to the emotions of others and nurture the skill of empathy? Society needs to find ways of better informing parents about their children’s emotional development, because a child’s psyche is fragile and remarkably malleable. This is the next generation after all.

As boys, we are then challenged with negotiating the perils of primary and secondary school by doing everything in our ability to prove we aren’t a ‘sissy’ or a ‘pussy’. Male peers will cotton onto a hint of vulnerability like a pack of hounds, because vulnerability is supposedly weakness and therefore elicits negative characteristics. At school the phrase ‘NO HOMO’ was interesting, all be it slightly derogatory, it kind of connotes the idea that whenever we show vulnerability, we have to acknowledge that we’ve displayed vulnerability in some desperate attempt to not be perceived as a melt. The journey of school simply reinforces the idea that vulnerability is unacceptable, a poker face is essential for keeping your feelings and emotions concealed. Behaving like a hyper-masculine alpha male is the most efficient way to achieve top of the food chain status, and the inevitable popularity it commands.

Popular culture then plays an influential part in our development, particularly TV and film. Frequently our male protagonist is strong, emotionally suppressive, but often displays a show of anger and violence in order to exert control. Then we have the glorification that earning large amounts of money equates to success and power, so we are actively compelled to buy into this culture, comparing ourselves to those who are rich in possessions. This leads to an incredibly empty existence of constant unfulfilled desire, not everyone has the tools to become financially wealthy, even with dedication and drive. Unsurprisingly, those who don’t feel equipped from a cognitive stance may indulge their money cravings through criminality. In addition, there is the bombardment of TV that focuses on the pursuit of women, those who are successful earn our respect, those who are unsuccessful are often ridiculed and laughed at. I’m sure we’ve all encountered acquaintances who fabricate extravagant stories about their many sexual escapades. It really begs the question, how has society made them so insecure? But at the same time, can you really blame them? It’s just a natural defence mechanism to an insecurity, evoking conformance to societies lofty expectations of them. School’s need to increase their efforts to educate students about the brainwashing narratives the media successfully communicate. These stereotypes and wrongful normalities present a genuine threat to self esteem and emotional well-being. This applies to both girls and boys equally.

As a society we perhaps underappreciate the extent to which vulnerability can be a force for acquiring meaningful connections with people. More than anything though, it feels good to be vulnerable! Exposing ourselves emotionally enables us to form tighter bonds with our peers, to fall in love, but granted, it comes with the risk of being hurt because it requires a certain level of intimacy.

Let’s take the example of drinking alcohol, why do we have a love affair with it? Okay maybe it’s fun, but the reasons run deeper and take on a more complex disposition. Alcohol lets us open up about things with a decreased fear of being judged, so we are more inclined to exhibit a sociable and confident persona. It allows us to pursue sex and physical intimacy without being terrified, because naturally, sex is incredibly exposing and warrants a great level of mutual trust. The fact of the matter is, we unconsciously desire the need to be vulnerable, so why can’t we incorporate more of it into our everyday lives by being more expressively open with our peers and romantic associations? We are so often plagued by crippling up-tightness and insecurity. Unfortunately, this just results in us bottling things up, and this benefits no one. Openness and honesty invites greater understanding and acceptance into our lives.

All in all, the male species need to stop conforming to such a narrowly constructed version of masculinity that encourages the suppression of emotions and effectively imprisons us. It’s a struggle, but it’s a culture that we need to actively resist. Manhood can be performed in a number of unique ways and be underpinned by a wealth of different values. Why are we limiting ourselves and giving ourselves such an empty existence by constantly comparing ourselves to societies distorted expectations of masculinity? When we start to accept ourselves for who we are, we are likely to lead a more fulfilled life, liberated from the suffocating shackles of toxic masculinity.