WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in chief,” said Trump as he puttered around the Oval Office before splaying himself face-down across the Resolute desk. “Ugh, I had all these plans for real things I was going to do this month, but now all I have is this stupid administrative stuff from holding the highest office in the country. I actually read part of a report the other day—that’s how little I have to do right now. This sucks. I just want to cruise around in Air Force One, golf at Mar-A-Lago, or hold a big rally like I did when I had real work–life balance. I really did. Now my routines are completely blown to hell. How do they expect me to be restricted to this cramped 50,000-square-foot house all day?” At press time, Trump was sitting in a motorcade vehicle and honking the horn until someone took him someplace fun.

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