If you don't want to find yourself on ASIO's most boring list, you should vary your commute, quit calling your parents, and make more erratic lifestyle decisions, writes Ben Pobjie.

The danger of metadata is real, and it has shown its dreadful face.

The publication of ABC journalist Will Ockenden's metadata, and the secrets it revealed about his private life, was most illuminating: it demonstrated that, if we allow the authorities unfettered access to our metadata, we run the risk of those authorities finding out that we are extremely boring.

I mean, I'm sure Will is the life of the party once you get to know him, but what would ASIO be gleaning from its analysis of his phone records? He takes a ferry to work. He calls his parents. He's in bed before midnight. It's embarrassing. And that is the fate that awaits all of us, if we responsible citizens who believe in personal liberty don't take immediate steps to spice up our metadata.

With the following handy hints, you can make sure anyone poring over your data will be emitting a low whistle and murmuring "goodness gracious me" within seconds.

1. Vary your commuting routes

There's no quicker way to mark yourself as a Tedious Terence than by having your heat map show a continuous back and forth between Point A and Point B. This just tells people you have no imagination, and no interesting adventures on the way to work.

Why not take a different route each day? For example: if, like Mr Ockenden, you were to travel from Manly to Ultimo at work, change things up by going the long way - via Newcastle. The next day, circle the workplace five times before arriving. That night, sleep in a street in Hornsby so your start point is different. The principle can be applied no matter where you live or work. If you work from home, charter a light plane to take you for a spin each morning.

2. Stop calling your parents

It's a dead giveaway if you keep ringing the same number: everyone knows you're calling your parents, which either means you're stuck in a perpetual childhood, or you need money.

To avoid this impression, restrict calls home to once every couple of months. Instead you could try calling a different paintball range or knife shop every day. You could even, with a bit of research, find the private numbers of each cast member of TV's Winners and Losers, and give them a buzz on a rotating schedule. That'd thrill the spooks, eh?

3. Get a better job

Obviously, taking a new route to work helps, but in the end you'll still be ending up at your workplace, and anyone studying your movements will know where that is and twig to how dull your job is.

But if you got an interesting job, this could all change. It's advisable to quit your job immediately and apply for a new one, somewhere like Parliament House, or the Royal Australian Air Force Base, or Ringling Brothers Circus. If you can't get any of these jobs, just go to the locations each day and hang around. Bring a book or Kindle.

4. Find a better place to live

This achieves a similar aim to number three: move out of your present uninteresting home, and take up residence somewhere new, like a houseboat, or a disused mine shaft, or Ringling Brothers Circus. Moreover, you should...

5. Move often

It's not just about where you live, it's about how often you live in places. Everyone could see when Will Ockenden moved, and it was a big yawn. Instead, move house every week or so - keep 'em guessing.

6. Never visit anyone you know

It becomes clear that an analysis of one's metadata reveals far too much about the mind-numbing monotony of one's social circle. Repeated visits to the same place during vacation periods makes it pretty clear you're visiting friends and family. Is that the kind of picture you want to paint for the security services?

Instead, stay right away from friends and family, and make it your business to frequently drop in on total strangers. You don't have to stay long - in fact, it can only make your metadata juicier if it shows you have a tendency to be chased away from places.

7. Leave the country every week

Everyone wants to be seen as a jetsetter, but metadata heat maps that show you spend 95 per cent of your life inside Australia won't get it done. One week in this country, one week in another - that's the schedule you need to follow if you want the government functionaries to look at each other and nod knowingly as if to say, "This guy has got it going on."

8. Become the significant other of a supermodel

Let's face it, if your metadata shows you spending extended periods of time at the house of a supermodel, you're going to be a hit with the analysts. Especially when you stay overnight - if you know what I mean! Haha, fun!

9. Don't go to bed before midnight on New Year's Eve

I mean really, Will Ockenden, what were you thinking?

Ben Pobjie is a writer, comedian and poet with no journalistic qualifications whatsoever.