I trained a “document classifier” to guess facts about encyclopedia articles, using:

Then I ran it over articles from Tolkien Gateway, the biggest Lord of the Rings wiki, and got surprising results. Let’s dive in!

First off, what do I mean by facts from WikiData? WikiData is like Wikipedia, but with the knowledge structured in such a way that computers can use it well. Here’s an example:

You can think of facts as “triplets” of (item, property, value)

Here’s a more controversial one that clearly needed a reference:

A few months ago Google did the dirty work of wrangling the data from Wikipedia and WikiData into one place, and put it in a massive zip file on the internet, and released a paper about trying to use it to guess facts about Wikipedia articles. You can read about my initial exploration of it if you’re in the mood.

Meanwhile, Facebook have a tool called FastText that can learn associations between the phrases in a document and facts about said document.

So in the above example, it can notice that the article about Shigeru Miyamoto uses the word “he” a lot more than it uses the word “it”, and contains the phrase “was born” instead of “was constructed”. So the next time it sees an article with those features, it might guess that the article is talking about a human instead of a bowling alley.

(It also does this quicker than a lot of other methods, which is useful for people like me who don’t have access to Google’s supercomputers.)

Once I was getting good results guessing facts about unseen Wikipedia articles, I decided to try it out on articles from Tolkien Gateway, my go-to resource for resolving arguments about whether Isildur’s dad is named Elendil or Eärendil.

Arguments plural.

People seem to really like Gandalf:

So let’s start there.

Gandalf

What did FastText say were the most likely facts about Gandalf?

instance_of===human

sex_or_gender===male

occupation===judge

country_of_citizenship===United_Kingdom

manner_of_death===natural_causes

convicted_of===murder

movement===Baroque

canonization_status===blessed

religion===Catholic_Church

conflict===World_War_II

position_played_on_team___speciality===defender

On the fact of it, these might seem a little silly. But keep in mind:

Tolkien was a British man who fought in a World War, who was deeply Catholic. Maybe Gandalf is a subconscious self-insertion?

Re. the canonisation, Gandalf is one of the Ainur, which Tolkien Gateway describes as “angelic beings”

Gandalf totally murdered a Balrog

If anyone’s looking for a PhD topic, “Gandalf as Goalkeeper, Sauron as Ronaldo: Post-Colonialism in Middle-Earth” is a surefire winner.

Baroque, eh? Did you know that the Lord of the Rings is partly based on an opera?

Legolas

Rare holiday snap of Orlando Bloom

sex_or_gender===male

instance_of===human

instance_of===mythical_character

country_of_citizenship===Ancient_Rome

manner_of_death===capital_punishment

period===Roman_Republic

occupation===military

position_held===Ancient_Roman_senator

canonization_status===saint

religion===Islam

instance_of===Eunuch

Let’s go:

Legolas is 2931 years old (disputed, see here). The Roman Senate was first founded 2771 years ago. Coincidence?

years old (disputed, see here). The Roman Senate was first founded years ago. Coincidence? He never had children, and had a fair singing voice. Is he a eunuch? You tell me.

The Islam thing is left as an extremely difficult exercise for the reader. I’m not touching that.

The Shire

country===United_Kingdom

instance_of===former_country

heritage_status===scheduled_monument

from_fictional_universe===Tolkien_s_legendarium

described_by_source===Nordisk_familjebok

located_in_time_zone===UTC______

IUCN_conservation_status===vulnerable

If you accept the theory that Middle-Earth is just our world a long time ago, then the Shire is definitely a former country inside the UK

The Shire is a bastion of natural beauty, peace and elevensies, under siege by greedy men. It would’ve been desecrated ages ago if it wasn’t defended by star player Gandalf (and decades later by King Aragorn). It definitely deserves conservation status.

The One Ring

The next target for Google Translate

conflict===World_War_II

military_branch===British_Army

described_by_source===Dictionary_of_National_Biography

country_of_citizenship===United_Kingdom

sport===association_football

position_played_on_team___speciality===midfielder

manner_of_death===natural_causes

participant_of===_____Summer_Olympics

While The Ring was obviously a participant in the most important conflict of Middle-Earth, he was on the opposite side to Gandalf and co. But can we really blame my nascent AI for being fooled? Even Boromir son of Denethor got confused in the end about which side it was playing on.

Little is known about The Ring’s career at the summer games, except that it bent all five Olypmic Rings to its will.

Sam

Cropped from a Gondor’s most wanted poster

sex_or_gender===male

instance_of===fictional_character

instance_of===human

country_of_origin===United_States_of_America

from_fictional_universe===Marvel_Universe

occupation===drug_trafficker

convicted_of===murder

manner_of_death===natural_causes

member_of_political_party===Democratic_Party

I find it fascinating that Sam is one of the only people labelled as American in the whole legendarium (Éowyn being another). Please tell me your theories.

As for the drug trafficker thing:

The Ring is super addictive. Remember Bilbo’s face when he sees it again at Rivendell?

Sam helps sneaks it across international borders in a dangerous manner

He’s a gardener with extensive herb lore and a fondness for the finest weed in the South Farthing

Éowyn

instance_of===human

instance_of===fictional_character

sex_or_gender===female

from_fictional_universe===Marvel_Universe

country_of_citizenship===United_States_of_America

occupation===sovereign

occupation===lady_in_waiting

member_of_political_party===Republican_Party

My kingdom to anyone who can come up with a convincing theory for why Éowyn is a Republican while Sam is a Democrat, and why they’re the only two American mutants.

Gimli

instance_of===human

sex_or_gender===male

country_of_citizenship===Japan

occupation===Australian_rules_footballer

cause_of_death===heart_attack

instance_of===mutant

native_language===French

I give up.

Conclusion

Further study is needed.

(If you want to try reproducing my results, let me know, and I’ll put the FastText model up in a torrent for you.)