

TONIGHT! Grown men hit balls with sticks… Lloyd does delivery for the truck… and people we haven’t heard of win games we don’t care about.

But first: this.



The Montero was originally made in New York, and it showed. Raw potential rumbled under raw meat, yet its limitations were quickly uncovered when actually asked to perform. For the longest time they didn’t even know what it was. It wore the tools of ignorance proudly, and handled terribly for such a highly touted model.



It only got uglier over time. Last year was pretty much rock bottom. It had the aerodynamics of well, me. The power was still available in fits and starts, but erratic contact made the overall experience frustrating and overwhelming. Of course you also have to talk about its overall handling and top speed. The Montero went from zero to 60… eventually. Cornering: terrible. Acceleration: terrible. It had more trouble getting to third base than James May at University. Attempts at performance enhancement were ineffective and not to industry standard.



Most manufacturers would have given up at this point. Zdurienciek, though, is not most manufacturers. A crack team was sent to the desert with Montero, quietly chipping away for months. They toiled to rediscover what was lost, stripping it down and rebuilding from scratch. They saw something. They knew they could bring it back, better than ever. And damn if they weren’t right.



They shed over 20% of the weight, presumably by replacing the body with a carbon-fiber shell. Every internal system was overhauled to run on cleaner fuel. It took everything they demanded of it, then asked for more. And what showed up this spring… was aSTAWNishing.



Behold: The 2015 Montero Sport Model.







Sleeker. Fitter. More coordinated. And dare I say it? Just… happier. Now losing all that weight, you might wonder if it detracts from what lured us all to the Montero in the first place. Well wonder no more, because it’s still there:







For all of its potential, though, the Montero Sport may be more concept car than everyday speedster. It’s a victim of a crowded product line. The manufacturer Zduriencik has a bit of an embarrassment of riches this year, from the 240 million dollar Cano R-Type and the PT Cruzer, to last year’s sensational Seager Roadster, and a bewildering array of sport utility vehicles roaming the field. Even the oddly named yet rebuilt and repurposed LogDog would appear to be a mainstay of Zduriencik’s offerings. It relegates the Montero Sport to a job not unlike an American vice-president: be available for brief excursions, don’t make any weird noises, and wait for someone more important than you to die.



And yet. Sometimes, we can appreciate change and reinvention, not because it’s desperately needed or soon to be reused to improve another model or trade in for something shinier. Sometimes, it really is about the journey. What is Zduriencik willing to do, even in the face of failure and sunk cost? What can you remove from something like a Montero, and have it retain all the best of its… Montero-ness?

I can’t shake the feeling that this is somehow all a metaphor. Which is really a good way of making anything more profound than it really is. I mean, consider the last few things I said… now play them back in your head… but with the knowledge that IT’S A METAPHOR.

… Sublime. Isn’t it?



Hammond has his Pagini Zonda. May, his Fiat Panda.

Me? I don’t just have a Montero.



When I grow up… IF I grow up… I want to be a Montero Sport.