Top Ten Sex Toy Patents

If you’ve ever had a great idea for a sexual aid, or wondered where new sex toys come from, you should check out some of the patents on file with the United States Patent Office. Here we’ve collected some of the best. With many of these items, you can discern their roots in household items and basement workshops and see the DIY ethic in action. Let them be an inspiration to us all!

1. Dildo Exercise System

Why go to the gym when you can get fit and get off in the comfort of your own home? This dildo mounted on a dual-handled frame “allow(s) a user to perform a sexual exercise in a stimulating and healthful manner.” After looking at the drawings, we’re still not sure what sort of fitness exercise you can do with this device – maybe ab crunches? Undoubtedly you could work up a sweat one way or another. Besides a variety of interchangeable dildos and vibrators for the primary user, you can also add on a dildo facing the other way, so two people can get a workout at once. We can’t wait to see the infomercial for this one. (6,991,599)

2. Cunnilingus Mask

We’re sure any resemblance to a gas mask is coincidental. Contrary to what you may think, this is not an aid for those squeamish about performing cunnilingus. It’s a safe sex barrier. You know how hard it is to keep those slippery latex dental dams in place when you’re going downtown. Well, this allows you to strap a barrier on right over your lips, and tongue, while a hoop-like ring forms a seal around your mouth, keeping out those potentially disease-carrying fluids. Elastic loops behind your ears hold it in place. Oh, and need we add, you can also use it for “oral-anal” contact. (5,582,187)

3. Anal Orgasm Monitor

Ever wondered about the exact number and strength of your sphincter contractions during anal orgasm? Of course you have. Now you can know with absolute precision. The anal orgasm monitor consists of a plug-shaped probe that houses pressure sensors that record the frequency and intensity of your anal contractions, which are then displayed on a monitor. The patent applicant had to present the argument that a device for monitoring anal orgasms did not currently exist; fortunately, he didn’t have to make a case for why you might need one. (5,787,892)

4. Clitoral Clip

We’re a little wary of any sexual device that resembles a pair of vise grip pliers. In fact, we’re pretty sure that was the inspiration for this vibrating stimulator that clamps onto the clitoris. The pincers have a spring clamp and adjustable locking mechanism that holds them in place for “hands free” use. A mini vibrator housed in the pivot of the “pliers” provides the juice. When you’re done, make sure it doesn’t end up in your toolbox. (6,056,705)

5. Automatic Ejaculating Vibrating Dildo

Oh, sure, ejaculating dildos are nothing new. But all of them require you to squeeze a bulb or reservoir to trigger the money shot, ruining the element of surprise inherent in a true male climax. This invention aims to re-create an ejaculation as authentically as possible, by using a timing device to activate the expulsion of fluid. Not only that, but it also heats it up first! Just set the timer, go to town with the vibrator, and when time’s up, you’ll find yourself covered in warm fluid. You also have the option of setting the timer to go off randomly, raising the possibility of simulating premature ejaculation. (6,350,230)

6. Dildo Clamp

Here’s another sex toy for females that looks like something you could pick up at Home Depot. Basically a dildo attached to a C-clamp, this device lets you screw your dildo onto a door, headboard, bedpost, or other support to allow for “hands free operation” in a variety of positions. The mounting post allows for changing up dildos and vibrators to suit your desires. Got a woodworking project to do? Clamp it on and multitask while the carpenter’s glue dries. (5,690,604)

7. Vibrating Tampon

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Yes, it’s a feminine hygiene product and vibrator all in one. And you thought you’d seen it all. Though the stated purpose of this device is to “reduce menstrual cramps,” as many women have discovered, one of the best cures for cramps is an orgasm. We could see some women wearing this even when they’re not on their period. The best part? You switch it on by pulling the string. (5,782,779)

8. Gum Job

This oral sex mouthguard is also a tasty candy treat. The “Gum Job” consists of two edible mouthpieces that fit denture-style over your upper and lower teeth, protecting your partner’s genitals from getting abraded by your incisors. No flavors are specified, but the guard can be manufactured from gummy candy, licorice, or chewing gum (presumably for chewing after the act). Just bite down on the pliable dental bridges and they conform to fit your teeth. Though we assume it’s intended primarily for fellatio, the mouthguard also has an optional hole in the front to accommodate a nipple or clitoris and to allow “body fluid to pass there-through.” Yum. (6,244,269)

9. Cunnilingus Assistant

No, it’s not a megaphone for your vulva. An aid for oral sex, this device consists of an egg-shaped bulb that is inserted into a woman’s vagina, and an external cone shaped trough “adapted to support and guide the tongue…toward the clitoris.” Meanwhile, your chin presses against a crossbar “to urge the end of the device deeper into a body orifice.” If that weren’t enough, it also contains a vibrator, and there’s an optional plastic shield to prevent STDs. (6,997,888)

10. Talking Vibrator

Imagine a vibrator that doesn’t just buzz and hum, but whispers sweet nothings or talks dirty into your…well, you get the idea. This vibrator has audio recording and playback technology built in, so you can record a romantic song, a personal message for yourself or a loved one, or some words of, um, encouragement for the user. If during sex play you have a brilliant idea (perhaps for a new sex toy invention), grab the mic and record a voice memo for later reference. (5,928,170)

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