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Story: The Tories are being bastards, again.

Reasonable take: This election has felt less like a dog-whistle and more of a vuvuzela of bigotry and classism.

Brain rot: Remember guys, the people in Labour are more working class than the Tories and lack the smarts to run the country! Hehe! – Emily Hewertson.

Some people say you can’t live in a country with an aristocracy and claim that all who perch on its lofty echelons – our politicos, painters, artists, actors, moguls and ministers – are there because of meritocracy, but those people are fucking idiots. Just ask anyone who holds these positions in our society and they’ll reassure you that it’s all down to merit. I mean, even our Queen says she was head-hunted by God himself as the perfect candidate to rule over us!

Some people also say Britain is run by the old school tie, where you can be ordained into positions of power because a bunch of Tory cronies say so. But I’d argue that nothing screams meritocracy more than the case of 19-year old student Emily Hewertson who is now enjoying an extremely high profile role as a right-wing media commentator after appearing as an audience member on Question Time.

Thanks to our rigorously non-partisan establishment media, Emily “politics and prosecco” Hewertson is now able take to commentate to the masses and remind us she “advocates meritocracy” in our society and that is why she is backing the plucky underdogs of the Conservative party in the election. She even wrote a critical analysis thread on Twitter of “Tory Ministers vs. their Shadow Labour” counterparts - pitting their “qualifications” against each another in a mind-numbing game of Top Trumps.

So let’s just breakdown each comparison one by one:

Hewertson pitted Chanellor of the Exchequer, Sajid Javid “who had a successful 18-year career in the finance sector” vs. John McDonnell “who has had no proper experience in the finance sector”.

It seems like studying and engaging with critical political economy in your adult life as McDonnell has done in various trade unions and local government bodies is actually shit and bad, because what Britain needs is not transformative change, but some bean counters who deduce from the financial crash that 800 British libraries are the things that “really need to go” to keep the economy ticking over.

Not to mention this is the same “successful” Sajid Javid who was a board member of Deutsche Bank, the German company once described by the US Senate committee as “a financial snake pit rife with greed, conflicts of interest and wrongdoing” and accused of being one of the major drivers of the dodgy derivatives schemes that helped cause the financial crash of 2008.

Imagine having a personal hand in one of the biggest financial fuck ups in history and your career in banking being described as “successful”? It’s like some cunt praising Thomas Farriner for getting “a lovely, even bake on his bloomer” despite setting the entirety of London aflame in the process.

Yeah, what we need is some finance cowboy deciding what vital services need the most funding. It truly astonishes me some people seem to watch The Wolf of Wall Street or The Big Short and think, “it would be great if these guys decided how my taxes were spent!”

Hewertson then compared Home Secretary Priti Patel “who wants to increase police powers” vs. Diane Abbott “who wants to reduce police powers”. I think what Hewertson is getting at here is that that Patel, who was sacked by Theresa May for carrying out clandestine and unauthorised meetings with Israel and is in favour of more undoubtedly racist “stop and searches” that in no way get to the heart of the causing factors of crime, is a better candidate to handle the affairs of the people living within the UK than Diane Abbott, the first black female MP who has fought for civic rights for over 30 years in parliament.

Hewertson’s final ministerial deathmatch was: “Angela Rayner, who left school at 16 without any qualifications” vs. “Gavin Williamson, who has a university degree, was a school governor and is married to a former primary school teacher” as the Secretary of State for Education. Yes, the same Gavin Williamson who was also fired by Theresa May who for allegedly leaking state secrets.

Angela Raynor described Howertson’s comments on Twitter as “the classic sickening Tory stereotyping and prejudice l have fought against all my life. The Tories claim to support aspiration but they sneer and look down their noses at working class people, sheer arrogance, snobbery and entitlement shining through, they cannot help themselves.”

We all remember the fucking early days of Facebook memes that just seemed to be images of Steve Jobs or Bill Gates leaning against a wall getting called the “college dropouts” – Kanye West managed to milk three albums worth of content out of it. We don’t endure Jeremy Clarkson’s annual A-Level results day posts about him getting “a C and 2 Us and my chef is preparing truffles for breakfast” just so we can pretend certificates are a marker of success or competence.

It should be obvious that higher education isn’t a true metric of intelligence or ability because a large amount of people simply cannot afford to pay the staggering fees or get into debt and have to provide for themselves or their family from a working age.