From walking the plank to tales of treasure maps, kids love stories about old-timey pirates. You can blame Johnny Depp for the recent renaissance, but we know tales of swashbuckling on the high seas strike a particular pirate chord in us all.

Now we’ve found a house that will let us live out our childhood dreams—without, you know, actually having to tread choppy waters in a poorly built wooden boat.

Listed for under $1.9 million, this hacienda in Riverside, CA, would make Jack Sparrow proud. Don’t believe us? Let's unpack the treasure within ...

Queen Anne’s Revenge

A lot of houses have a bar. Very few houses have a bar that would make Blackbeard jealous.

In addition to slot machines, a gaming table, and a poker table, there's also a built-in bar with hand-crafted details, glass cabinets for displaying your treasure, and oh yeah: a life-size pirate descending from the ceiling.

The bar realtor.com

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Captain’s Quarters

“The owner calls the guest bedrooms the Captain’s Quarters,” says Jacob Swodeck, listing agent for the pirate property.

It's easy to see why. Stepping into the room is like stepping onto a pirate’s ship.

There are exposed wood beams. An ornately carved metal door. Stained-glass windows. A magnificently pirate-y desk for researching treasure maps, and a black-and-gold gilded four-poster bed complete with crushed red velvet curtains.

The guest room realtor.com

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Bottle Alley

You don’t have to walk the plank in this house, but you should walk the alley—bottle alley that is. The long hallway is flanked on each side with built-in lighted display cabinets. And inside the cabinets?

“There are rows and rows of antique liquor bottles,” says Swodeck. Never again will you have to ask why the rum is always gone.

The bottles realtor.com

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Red-carpet night

Even busy pirates need to kick back and relax every once in a while. In this home, they can drop anchor in an antique theater.

This amazing media room comes complete with 11 movie theater-style seats, a large projection screen, and, of course, a red velvet curtain.

The theater realtor.com

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Fair winds and faraway places

Even the kitchen (which recently underwent a quarter million-dollar remodel, according to the listing agents), has buried treasure.

“A lot of little details in the house were carefully hand-built and hand-crafted, and you see some of that in the kitchen,” says Swodeck.

Our favorite: The hand-carved mermaids above the range, promising to sail you away on fair winds to faraway places.

The kitchen realtor.com

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The Crow’s Nest

The theme doesn’t end inside the house. Outside, you’ll find a lagoon-style pool with a waterslide, four waterfalls, private grottos, and a crow’s nest to keep a lookout for rival pirates.

“The crow’s nest is from 'Peter Pan' [the film]. It was part of Captain Hook's ship, the Jolly Roger,” says Swodeck.

And you might need to keep a lookout. After all, you’ll be protecting the best-stocked ship on the high seas.