You know the story. I am the oldest— I am the second oldest of five kids, and I’m really close with all my siblings, but I’m especially close with my little brother Sam. My little brother Sam is about ten years younger than me.

The thing about Sam is he’s only known me as a comedian. It kind of has shaped my life, being a comedian. I’m very honest. I’ve never told him a lie. I kind of tell him as it is. I always thought that was really cool about our relationship until pretty recently when I found out that we don’t have boundaries, and those are important.

This is how I found out: A couple months ago, my little sister and my little brother were living together at the time, and I walked in on one of the weirder conversations for an older sister to walk in on. I walked in on my little brother telling my little sister those funny sexual position jokes.

Do you guys know what I’m talking about? They always have a title, like The Rusty Trombone. It always sounds fucked up. Like, you come in her eye, and it’s called The Pirate. Shit like that. This is the one I walked in on, it’s a dude fucking a girl from the back, that dude leaves, another dude starts fucking, her but the first guy goes in front of a window, waves to her, and it’s called The Poltergeist.

And he’s laughing, and he’s laughing, and he’s like, “Isn’t that funny? You’re a comedian. Isn’t that funny? That’s so funny. Isn’t that funny?”

I was like, “Noooo.” I’ve been in a male-dominated field for twelve years. I’ve heard every fucked up thing you can do to a woman, and it’s always something that ruins her hair, and I’m not okay with it anymore. I really care about my hair.

I decided, as someone who essentially travels the word and does spoken word, that it’s kind of my responsibility to spread feminist sexual positions. I have a lot of free time. I came up with three.

Position number one is a dude going down on a woman. She squirts in his face, he learns to respect women. It’s called The 19th Amendment.

Save your energy. I’ve got two more.

Position number two is a woman riding a dude. She gets him about 30% away from an orgasm, but she gets up and leaves. It’s called The Equal Pay Act.

Position number three’s my favorite. It’s just a woman masturbating in a kitchen. A dude walks in sad. It’s called Make Your Own Dinner.

I’m Liz Miele. Thank you so much. Thank you.