Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood tomean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can youhave sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.The long answer is much more involved, including techniques,precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction fromscrewing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out.So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You shouldtherefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with thetailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe willcool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I callscrewing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot".Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these,carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time tobe flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels withoutyour knowing it.Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of thetailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debrisof combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of thetailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mindthe possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and bepleasured by the car.You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment.The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffingyour cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember thesharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off.When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe ofthe car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must stillremember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe isgood enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipein the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you'reout of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. Youneed the following equipment:1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr, [email protected] ) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU isessentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameteris slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated,it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case,it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubberdingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your handwarm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I'vehad reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a gooddeal of them at a local discount-type store.There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only beenable to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to getthrough an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good withtailpipes not much bigger than your cock.Here is what you need to do:1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily doneby wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left witha slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until youcan put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the innercircumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) thanthe circumference of your shaft.5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush.Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in themiddle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tapearound the whole thing.6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottomof the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise fromthe can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges fromcutting.8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end:9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-basedlubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and thenyou'll be using a condom).Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well.You now have several options for fucking your car. One major oneis from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Parkand remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back andforth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheelswell, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higherthe gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car torock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars,since you may not have to chock the wheels -- the weight of the car willprevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lightermanual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts,so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the lessplay, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out.Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper bodyunder the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to makethe car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire.I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the carsideways.More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than onetailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rockfaster and harder since the energy of two people will add.NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathinghard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the carwill either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh)-- causing damage to the engine -- or will force the exhaust out. Andyou have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City!If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten orfifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do nothave to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about,though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if youuse an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom,and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- oilrots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.Enjoy your cars!--Dekhyr Dragon