WASHINGTON—Assuming they’d be stripping away the moral fabric of society almost immediately after the Supreme Court’s 2015 decision to legalize same-sex marriage, the nation’s degenerates reported Monday that they have grown impatient for the gay marriage slippery slope to kick in. “We were promised that when gay marriage was legalized, it’d only be a matter of time before sickos like me would be having sex with our pets—well, I’ve got a dog and a cat I still haven’t fucked,” said an exasperated Alan Beleski, 42, one of the deviants from across the country who told reporters they were tired of waiting for the inevitable collapse in decency that would normalize acts such as bestiality, incest, and necrophilia. “Goddammit, what’s taking so long? When gay marriages were finally recognized in this country, I thought, ‘Hell yeah! I can finally openly proclaim my love for my sex doll, and I can also legally marry five other dolls because polygamy’s A-okay, too.’ But all that seems like a million years ago.” At press time, the nation’s degenerates took small comfort in states like Massachusetts where, with parental and court approval, a child can be married off at any age.

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