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Politics as she is Played with 3d6

The recent death of Gary Gygax, who together with Dave Arneson invented Dungeons and Dragons, coincides with a most interesting period in the American Presidential primary season, as three hopeful monsters slouch towards an appointment with the polls in October or November or sometime around then. (You can tell how much attention I pay to US politics.) Anyway, in an attempt to correct my woeful ignorance of the state of play, I decided to turn to AD&D as the analysis tool du jour, and consulted my battered copy of the Monster Manual in hope of shedding some light on the crypt. After all, as Douglas Adams remarked, the whole point of voting for flesh-eating lizards in any election is that if you don't vote, the wrong lizard might get in. (Never mind the fact that, as one of those furrin people, I don't get a vote.)

Here's what my Monster Manual had to say on the matter: (NB: it's a 1st edition AD&D Monster Manual; I never could get the hang of those new-fangled 2nd edition rules.)



(Demon Prince of Republicans.) (Lesser God.)

FREQUENCY: Very rare

NO APPEARING: 1

ARMOUR CLASS: -7

MOVE: 3" (72" per flight sector on the campaign jet)

HIT DICE: 200 hit points (But first you have to defeat 4d8 Secret Service Agents)

% IN LAIR: 0%

TREASURE TYPE: All your NATO base are belong to us!

NO. OF ATTACKS: 1

DAMAGE/ATTACK: Invades Iran. Takes 100d20 casualties in first strike while inflicting 20 x 100d20 civilian casualties. Followed by war of attrition, economic collapse, recrimination.

SPECIAL ATTACKS: 5% chance of 30,000 Megaton nuclear first strike on Upper Volta.

SPECIAL DEFENSES: +3 or better weapon to hit. In event of combat, 20% chance of heart attack per round, followed by the swearing in of President Santorum. You wouldn't want that, would you?)

MAGIC RESISTANCE: 80% (10% vs. mind control spells by Cheney.)

INTELLIGENCE: Normal.

CHARISMA: 12 (16 to neocons)

ALIGNMENT: Chaotic evil if under control of Cheney; otherwise Chaotic neutral.

SIZE: M

LEVEL/X.P. VALUE: X/29,950* (* for impeachment)

A huge, ancient, carnivorous dinosaur from the swamps at the heart of Republican country, not unlike Godzilla in appearance and wrinkled integument, McCain has seen better years. Nevertheless he can breathe fire and threaten to stomp flat the capital city of any country that Fox News disapproves of with the best of them.

The biggest danger in facing off against a McCain is that he might be under the mind control of the Svengali-like Cheney, Prince of Darkness. In this case, he is likely to be lethally aggressive and even more unpredictable than usual.



(Demon Queen of Pork Belly Futures.) (Lesser Goddess.)

FREQUENCY: Very rare

NO APPEARING: 1

ARMOUR CLASS: -7 (But -4 if encountered in the same campaign as a Bill Clinton)

MOVE: 3" (72" per flight sector on the campaign jet)

HIT DICE: 200 hit points (But first you have to defeat 4d8 Secret Service Agents)

% IN LAIR: 0%

TREASURE TYPE: The future is ... Pork!

NO. OF ATTACKS: 1 + 1

DAMAGE/ATTACK: captures 2-16 superdelegates; 20% chance to cast Slime per round

SPECIAL ATTACKS: If sustaining damage, 33% chance per round of invoking Bill Clinton to fight alongside her. See also Big Dog.)

SPECIAL DEFENSES: +4 Fundraising, Regeneration, +3 or better weapon to hit.

MAGIC RESISTANCE: 80%

INTELLIGENCE: Genius

CHARISMA: 17 (Democrats)/ -1 (Republicans)

ALIGNMENT: Lawful Neutral (Will steal anything that's not nailed down, especially if she can construe it as lawful appropriation. Depending on the meaning of the word "it".)

SIZE: 14

LEVEL/X.P. VALUE: X/12,250* (* for impeachment)

As with all Clintons, Hillary exudes negative charisma towards Republicans. Otherwise, she's a classic machine reptile.



(Demon Prince of Upsetting Applecarts.) (Lesser God.)

FREQUENCY: Very rare

NO APPEARING: 1

ARMOUR CLASS:

MOVE: 3" (72" per flight sector on the campaign jet)

HIT DICE: 200 hit points (But first you have to defeat 4d8 Secret Service Agents — unless attacking in Texas, Florida, or other Republican-held states)

% IN LAIR: 0%

TREASURE TYPE: Budget Deficit: -500,000 million G.P. plus compound interest

NO. OF ATTACKS: 0 (He runs a clean campaign).

DAMAGE/ATTACK: Makes his opponents look foolish: -1 Charisma per round engaged in combat polite debate.

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Casts Mass Charm 1 per round engaged in combat polite debate.

SPECIAL DEFENSES: +5 Fundraising, Regeneration, +3 or better weapon to hit.

MAGIC RESISTANCE: 80%

INTELLIGENCE: Genius

CHARISMA: 18(100) (Democrats) / 12 (Republicans)

ALIGNMENT: Law Professor

SIZE: M

LEVEL/X.P. VALUE: X/89,950* (* for impeachment)

Handsome, intelligent, charismatic, and he manages to sound absolutely wonderful ... but how do you know what else is lurking under that sleek exterior? The Obama's main advantage in combat is that he makes everyone else in the melee look absurdly aggressive or foolishly short-sighted, sapping their Charisma. Probably the lesser evil, so once you elect him you'll have the luxury of knowing you've been eaten by the right lizard god.

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