Kings Are Stupid Betelgeuse has this problem with kings. Imagine if there were some psychological disorder, resulting in the fear of kings. I guess it would be called regiphobia. Now instead of the suffix “phobia” which roughly means “is afraid of”, imagine if there were a suffix that meant “thinks is really stupid”. That would be what Betel has, regarding kings. I’ve listened to her arguments, and I must confess she makes a compelling case. I think I’m afflicted with this disorder too.



I mean, look at this pompous loaf of crap:







And that’s not even the worst kind of king. That was a king that was all prettied up for the silver screen, so that he could serve as the charismatic protagonist in an epic film without turning our stomachs. If this is the best king Hollywood can serve up, we are all in trouble.



Here is a more prototypical king. He’s horrific. Everything about him inspires the perfect blend of boredom and contempt.







The only thing royal about him is the way he roils my temper.



What’s so great about kings, anyway? You know what you would get if you crossed a boring millionaire with a mall Santa? A king. That’s right, the jig is up. The formula is exposed.







Would you bow to a mall Santa? Would you go fight a war or discover some new continents for the Monopoly guy? Or maybe a better question is, would you let your kid sit on a king’s lap? I didn’t think so. You wouldn’t want to get king-stink all over your child. Who could blame you?



Here’s another example of a simply awful king.







Ok, so he’s not a king, he’s a prince. Let’s just say he’s a king in training. And from the looks of it, he’s training to be the mother (yes, mother. He’s one shaved cheekbone away from being on the cover of Vogue magazine) of all stupid kings. Look at that ridiculous hair, and the inexplicable pride. I’ve never seen a face that has served as such a powerful natural magnet for my raging fist.







It’s ridiculous how our society tries to pass kings off as these universally adored, jolly entities. They’re dicks. They have miserable attitudes towards everyone, never say or do anything interesting, and think they’re the hottest thing since sliced shit.



Look at King Friday. If you’ve ever seen Mr. Rogers as a kid, you know what I’m talking about. Friday was a snooty, petulant tyrant. Every episode in “The Land of Make-Believe” centered around appeasing his fickle will and infinitesimal brain. It’s too bad all the other characters were too stupid to forge a coup. He was always making arbitrary laws usually design to fuck with everyone’s head, or crap on their good times. If Mr. Rogers’ hand wasn’t lodged up Friday’s ass, I’d swear a huge tree branch was. It was especially appalling for a kid’s show when Friday would order Lady Aberlin to untie his robes and fellate Mr. Rogers’ finger.







I’m sick of this defacto pro-king attitude from a lazy, under-inquiring society. They’ve enjoyed a free ride for too long, and now there seems to be an organized PR movement to boost their image. This is reprehensible. Burger King is at the forefront of this subterfuge, with this seemingly benign ad campaign.







BK is taking all the aforementioned stupid qualities of kings, asserting they are actually positive things, and using them to drive a strange, quasi-humorous image to the end of promoting good feelings about their product, this hideous mascot, and kings in general. And if all goes well, this will become embedded as a cultural icon for the current era, something each of us “recognizes” at the office, or wherever, by mere mention. We all smile over our mutual recognition, and exchange an implied high-five over all the things that kings now represent to us. BK is trying to promote kings as the new ninja or pirate. We think ninjas and pirates are funny and cool because they are awesome, and represent awesome things. BK’s insidious ploy is a subtle one, and it may just work.



There’s just one problem.



Kings aren’t awesome. Kings are stupid.