Note: This chapter contains mention of suicidal thoughts.

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Two hundred milligrams.

Do you know how much that is? Practically nothing at all.

Barely a pinch. Less than the amount of sugar I put in my coffee every morning.

And that’s all it took.

WHY? Why the hell did she do this to herself?! She always swore she was never gonna touch that shit again. She promised!

They told me she didn’t leave a note. They don’t think she did it on purpose. She just took too much… The same dose she used to take back when her body was used to it. But it wasn’t anymore. Because she was clean! She hadn’t touched a needle in over a year!

Fuck, this is all my fault. I should have told her I was coming to visit. I should have taken the time to listen when she called me that day. I should have told her a story like she wanted…

Maybe then she would have held on longer. Maybe she wouldn’t have given in. Maybe I could have saved her.

But I didn’t. And now she’s gone. Forever.

I’ll never hear her voice again. I’ll never see her face… I don’t even have a picture of her. I don’t have anything. Just the empty hole that she left behind. And there’s nothing that will ever be able to fill it again.

Christ, she was only twenty-three years old! She had her whole life ahead of her. She was gonna get out in less than a year. She was gonna be an artist.

And you know what? Maybe she was gonna be the person I would spend the rest of my life with too.

But now I’ll never know.

Did she have any idea how much I loved her? Did she love me too?

I haven’t slept at all in the last three days. I just lay there all night bawling my fucking eyes out, asking myself these questions again and again and again.

My parents are so worried. They keep trying to get me to talk to them… But I can’t. They know my “friend” died. They know Ivy and I were close. But they’ll never understand what she meant to me. They’ll never know what I lost.

My friends know, though. Of course they do. And that also means they haven’t left me alone.

They’ve been practically stalking me ever since they heard the news. I tried to tell them I wanna be alone, but none of them would listen. Not completely, anyway.

They check in on me every day. They call. They text me. And all three of them even came to visit this morning.

They told me they’re gonna come to the funeral with me tomorrow too.

I guess it’s kinda nice being with them. I love them all so much. The closest I’ve felt to ‘normal’ since I lost Ivy was this morning when they came to see me.

But they’re just so obsessed with making sure I’m okay. I think they’re worried I’m gonna hurt myself or something.

And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it… More than once.

I swear to God, if it wasn’t for Phoenix, I… I don’t know what I’d do. Sometimes those thoughts scare the shit out of me. But sometimes… they don’t sound like such a terrible idea.

It’s not like I even think I’ll get to see her again if I do it. I don’t know if there’s a Heaven or a Hell or any of that shit they always tell you about.

But it’s not about that.

It’s about trying to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to keep living in a world without her in it.

I know I have to. But I don’t know if I want to.

I don’t know if I can.

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I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m temporarily going back to two chapters a week (Wednesdays and Saturdays) because of some personal/IRL stuff that’s been hindering my writing lately. Hoping I will be back to three a week soon. As always, I’ll let you guys know. ❤

So no chapter tomorrow, but I will have one for Wednesday 🙂