Rockland Jewish Women: The laws of family purity

Editor's note: This article is part of a series on Orthodox Jewish women in Rockland County. The purpose of the series is to educate the public about Orthodox Jews to build understanding between the Jewish community and their non-Jewish neighbors. Throughout the series, The Journal News/lohud will be exploring topics on Judaism including modesty, Shabbat and the holidays, the laws of family purity and kosher.

The placid, pristine and heated 200-gallon mikvah pool — called mayim lechaim or the water of life — sits in the corner of the simple, feminine room.

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The pool of water — in which women are immersed following their menstrual cycle as part of a spiritual renewal of life — is the focal point of taharas hamishpacha (family purity), one of three mitzvot (commandments/deeds) special to Orthodox Jewish women, along with lighting Shabbat candles and making challah.

"People come here and they say it's changed their lives," said Chany Kotlarsky, the Rebbetzin of Chabad Lubavitch of Rockland. "It's important when they come and do the mitzvah that they enjoy doing it. That they do it with love. That's the beauty of it."

Despite being called family purity, women are solely responsible for fulfilling the commandment.

"It has an effect not just on her, but it has an affect on her husband, her children, her descendants," Kotlarsky said

Kotlarsky said this particular deed is special to her both as a woman and as a spiritual leader for her female congregants, and she often hears women speak of their mikvah experience with passion.

"I just find it so inspiring," she said. "I really try to do whatever I can to enable people to come to do the mitzvah. This is my shlichus (message/mission)."

The laws of family purity lay the foundation for the spiritual relationship between a married couple.

"It's a blueprint for marriage," Kotlarsky said. "It's so beautiful. It's amazing how this could keep a marriage alive. There are other factors in relationships. But it definitely helps keep (it) very much alive."

From the time a woman starts menstruating until seven days after she completes her cycle, Orthodox Jewish women refrain from physical contact with their spouses, even simple touching.

"When a lady gets her period, it means that the egg that had the potential for life is lost, so that is a loss of holiness," Kotlarsky said. "When she enters the mikvah, she enters in a state of tumah (lack of holiness) and then when she comes out she's tahar (pure) and she's like a newborn."

After that seven-day time period, she will set an appointment to visit the mikvah pool.

Women also visit the mikvah pool within a few days of getting married, and after having a baby or if they want to conceive a child.

"That's a very special time to go because it brings God down into the relationship and it helps bring down a special holy soul," Kotlarsky said.

The building that houses the mikvah pool (which is also referred to as the mikvah), is often set up as a spiritual spa in modern times.

"The first requirement when you're building a community is not to have a shul (synagogue). It's to have a mikvah," Kotlarsky said. "Without a mikvah, continuity of life won't be there. A husband and wife can't be together."

Comfort and privacy are paramount, and a mikvah attendant is on hand to ensure the women have everything they need and to check that the process is completed correctly.

"The relationship between the husband and wife is something private," Kotlarsky said. "It's not something that we need to announce to everyone. Even to family members. It's no one's business."

The mikvah has a waiting room with reading material and chocolate truffles, preparation rooms with robes and heat lamps, and a mirrored make-up room.

"We try to give them whatever they could possibly need," Kotlarsky said. "We try to keep it as modest as possible and be sensitive to their needs."

After she prepares herself — bathes, removes any makeup and nail polish, cleans her nails and brushes her hair to make sure there are no loose strands — the woman is ready to immerse.

"There are certain guidelines, certain things," Kotlarsky said. "When she comes into the mikvah she is supposed to be spotless clean just like at birth. There shouldn't be any intervening substance coming between her body and the mikvah water. She is like an embryo."

Each room has a checklist for the women so they can be sure that nothing is missed.

A mikvah attendant will check the woman's hands and feet, and then be on hand when she goes into the mikvah, holding a robe or towel up to ensure privacy until she is fully submerged.

"The job of the mikvah attendant is to make sure that she's totally immersed," Kotlarsky said. "That's why the mikvah attendant has to be there."

Personal custom dictates how many times a woman submerges herself in the water. After the first time, she recites a blessing.

Kotlarsky said many women are in a state of total relaxation and reflection at this point, embracing the holiness of the moment, which is said to be one in which God is particularly receptive to the wants, needs and prayers of the woman immersed.

"The gates of heaven are always open to our prayers but this is a special, a meritorious time, when we do this mitzvah, to ask Hashem (God) for anything that we want," Kotlarsky said.

After a women completes her visit to the mikvah, she can physically reunite with her husband.

"After someone goes to the mikvah, it's something special, something that is holy, elevated and it's something that's encouraged," Kotlarsky said.

Rivkie Feiner, one of the Orthodox Jewish women who are a part of this lohud series, said the laws and boundaries are a powerful thing.

"It's a renewal, it's an excitement," she said. "It is something beautiful. It's something that's made beautiful that enhances your marriage."

She and her husband have been married for 25 years and have five children. Her eldest daughter, who is also married with children, said the focus of this mitzvah is on the women, and it is time spent learning to enjoy the company of one's spouse on an emotional and intellectual level.

"There are different ways that we relate," Kotlarsky said. "The days that we're allowed to be together ... that is a time of passion. When you're together, you really, really appreciate your time together and physical intimacy is something that is elevated."

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