The Witchfinder is inspired by the weird dystopian leftist fan-fiction covering the future after #GamerGate. In his view, it just does not go far enough… (This story is a parody of SJW hate fiction and any resemblance in it to characters living or dead is for entertainment value only).

The British Empire Starship Righteous Enterprise surged through interstellar space at an enormous multiple of c, its petroleum fusion drives pulsating with power. Commander Kevin Ian Lance Lewis (‘KILL’, to his peers) sat in the bridge throne and watched as the stars parted before his ship’s powerful hyperlight engine.

In the wake of the Ethics Revolution of the late 2010s and early 2020s the British Empire had made a huge comeback. With unethical, non-productive sorts dealt with the United Kingdom had been able to make huge cuts to its oversized welfare state and rebuild its depleted military with the latest technologies.

World warfare against the forces of evil by the British and their allies the Neoconfederacy had led to rapid advancements in technology, the discovery of cheap space flight and finally faster-than-light travel. By the 2150s every child at school was taught the timeless wisdom that war was the engine of human progress.

As the ship decelerated into the target system the starfield blurred with opalescent, rainbow hues. Commander Kill stroked his weapon in anticipation. The bulbous, 5 foot long shoulder mounted piece was Kill’s pride and joy. The destructive plasma blasts Kill’s weapon could unleash made accuracy unnecessary – a single bolt could devastate an area of planetary surface a 100 feet in diameter.

The Righteous Enterprise was an exploration ship, most of which was dedicated to the exploitation and analysis of potential-oil resources.

In the early 21st century humanity had faced increasing fears that the sine qua non of civilisation, crude oil, would be exhausted. Fortunately it had been discovered that oil, which was mainly molecular hydrogen and carbon, could be synthesised from organic material. Most organic creatures were made of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen and the process fundamentally required only the removal of the oxygen. Once this process had been made cost effective almost any living thing could be converted into oil1.

1 – author’s note this is real world chemistry. The only future / science-fiction element is making it cost effective.

Once bio-oil reclamation became cost effective, productive use had quickly been found for many of the long term unemployed. Many of the unethical exercised infrequently and had turned out to have an abundance of biomass, which made their sacrifice a rich source of oil.

The Righteous Enterprise was equipped with caterpillar tracks and when deployed planetside could open a cavernous maw of slicers and grinders able to reduce any living thing into mulch to be conveyed into a chemical cracking plant.

As the ship entered orbit around the target planet, Commander Kill barked orders. “Commence scan”. The female scanning team hastened to obey. In the Imperial British Starfleet of 2153, women were a common sight in their mandatory spandex uniforms, doing all those jobs not deemed sufficiently valuable for men.

The bridge interior sensors fed directly into Kill’s implants, which projected a HUD over his vision, tagging each crew member with their name, rank and vital statistics. Most of the crew wenches were highlighted green – loyal servants of the Empire. However crew wench Annalise was highlighted in amber. Warning notes in the Commander’s private HUD showed that the ship’s loyalty AI detected signs of dangerous subversive views.

Annalise had long been of concern – she failed to keep herself in spandex shape and worse, had been reprimanded on one occasion for speaking ill of the Patriarchy. During the ethics wars of the 2020s the enemy had been made up of SJWs, which as all children now learned stood for ‘Satanic Justice Warriors’. SJWs were evil cultists under the control of dark forces and they feared and hated something called the ‘Patriarchy’.

The ‘Patriarchy’, as far as the forces of good could determine, was entirely fictitious. However the violent opposition of the SJWs to this imagined foe and the many good deeds that they ascribed to it had caused some ethics warriors to adopt the Patriarchy as their religion – a pantheon of benevolent deities. Commander Kill was proud of his uniform tabard which bore the image of a red sword – symbolising his status as a Crusader for the Patriarchy.

Annalise was also seen to be reluctant to pet the many beautiful bunnies that wandered the bridge and doubled as the internal security system. This was of great concern to Commander Kill and to the ship’s computer. What sort of monster did not like bunnies?

One of the leaders of the ethics revolution was a woman known for her kindness and love for bunnies and under her benevolent influence cyber-enhanced bunnies had become a feature of the modern military arsenal.

Sullenly crew-wench Annalise operated the scanner, which displayed a holographic image of the planet below. A verdant sphere of deep blue oceans, with land covered in forests of green and purple sprang into life, hovering in the center of the bridge.

“Scans confirm initial probe data,” murmured the ship’s computer in sultry voice. “High volumes of potential oil deposits. Ambulatory life forms detected. Dangerous socio-political tendencies detected.”

The view shifted to show a primitive village of bear like creatures. They were colourful – too colourful. Some of the bears were pink – a colour once beloved of Satanic Justice Warriors and their unholy ilk. Some of the bears had strange symbols on their tummies. Worse, readouts confirmed that the bears were corrupted by unwholesome political beliefs. The initial probe that had preceded the Righteous Enterprise had translated some of their language. The sinister creatures often spoke often of ‘sharing’ and other proto-communist beliefs.

“No ethical life detected. Recommend evaluation of sample population for oil harvesting”

Unbidden, Annalise spoke up. It was a great breach of etiquette for crew wenches to speak without being spoken to. “Commander, I am not sure we have enough evidence to harvest potentially sentient creatures. Speaking of ‘sharing’ is not in itself evidence of communist tendencies and these creatures are beautiful and diverse.”

At the mention of the word ‘diverse’ the tag over Annalise on Commander Kill’s private HUD turned red and then dissolved. A targeting reticule took its place. The ship’s loyalty AI had finally determined that Annalise was an unethical person!

“Warning! Potential oil resource loose on the bridge” blared the computer as every cyborg bunny on the bridge activated and turned as one to face the threat.

Stun bolts from hidden gun implants on the brave little bunny rabbits quickly subdued the traitorous oil creature and it was rapidly dispatched into a chute leading to the ship’s processing unit.

A few moments later a chime revealed the results of former crew wench Annalise’s trial. Her ample frame had yielded nearly half a barrel of crude oil. “Praise the Patriarchy!” shouted the crew, eager to demonstrate their loyalty. Commander Kill turned back to the display of the planet and the challenges ahead.

To be continued …