So listen, America.

We, the people of Maine, have some wisdom to share with you. I’m sure some of you are unaware that we even exist– we basically live in Canada even though we’re technically one of the 50 states. We live quiet lives up here, and most of us tend to like it that way. We are home to brilliant fall foliage, the famous Maine lobster, moose crashes (got plenty of those), and a coastline that is among the most beautiful you will ever see.

We’re simple people who don’t boast of knowing much that the rest of the country doesn’t know, but we do have some unique knowledge and wisdom to pass onto the rest of you:

We already know what it’s like to have a President Trump, because we have a Governor LePage.

One of the smartest things we can do in life (well, up here we’d say “wicked smahht”), is to learn from the mistakes of others. And Holey Moley, we’ve made a wicked big mistake. Twice.

After years of our quiet existence, we elected one of the only leaders who can be legitimately compared to Donald Trump. This unlikely Governor took control of our state after a failed attempt to step beyond the two-party system. While the attempt was valiant and noble, throwing votes to 3rd parties and independents ended up in LePage getting elected the first time with just 37.6% of the vote in what was a 5-way race, and won him re-election with just 48.2% of the vote the second time around.

And let us tell you, it’s been a wicked headache for us ever since.

Like would be the case with a President Trump, our Governor has been so busy tending to his chronic case of diarrhea of the mouth that he has been completely unable to govern the state. Not only has his governorship been functionally a disaster for our state, it’s made us a national embarrassment time and time again.

While we’d all like to just get back to being known for our lobster, the rest of the country would do well to learn from our mistake. Let me just briefly fill you in on some of the things we’ve been dealing with.

Like Donald Trump, Governor LePage is a white supremacist who is constantly dividing us along racial lines. The examples of his racist behavior are so numerous that it would be difficult to detail all of them in a single post, so here’s a few highlights of what America can look forward to if our experience is any predictor:

Governor LePage recently claimed that Maine’s drug problem is the fault of “black and brown” people who come into our state to sell drugs and “impregnate white girls.” When he held a news conference to convince people his comments were not racist, he actually said that black and brown people are “the enemy.” He went on to claim that he had a binder full of the photos of all the drug dealers arrested in Maine and that 90% were black or brown– yet, when the binder was turned over due to a Freedom of Information request, the truth the binder told was that the majority of drug-dealing arrests were actually white people.

What else? Let’s see…

Oh, there was the time he refused to participate in an MLK celebration, and when he was called out on it he told the NAACP to kiss his butt. There was the time he was speaking with high school children and told one of the kids that he wanted to kill the child’s father. Or the time when he said he wants President Obama to go to hell. Or the time he said we need to bring back the guillotine and have public executions… Or the time he warned that asylum seekers in Maine were bringing in the dangerous ziki-fly, even though no such thing exists. Or, who could forget the time he called up a state lawmaker and left him a threatening voicemail riddled with homophobic epithets, warning the lawmaker that “I am after you”?

And I’ll tell you what, America, these are just the first few examples that pop into my head as I write this. The reality of what we’ve been dealing with in Maine has been such a predictable and consuming part of the daily news cycle, that it’s earned our governor the title of “America’s Craziest Governor.”

Sure, you may think voting for someone who “says what they’re thinking” is cute and refreshing, but you’ll only think that if you’ve been living outside of Maine for the last few years. For us, it’s not cute or refreshing at all, but is a daily reminder that it’s all fun and interesting to watch a person like this on the television, but is far less amusing when they hold executive power.

Governor Paul LePage has been so busy creating controversies, leaving nasty voicemails, and threatening to kill people, that he lost all ability to govern long ago. He’s barely able to work with his own party, let alone work with Democrats. The functional reality is that we don’t have a governor at all– we just have a Trump-like controversy maker occupying the position, keeping Maine in the news for all the wrong reasons while refusing to step aside so that the business of government can continue.

Beyond the reality that Governor LePage is unable to govern, I can’t think of a single person in Maine who thinks someone with Paul Lepage’s temperament should have access to weapons of mass destruction, or have one of the world’s largest militaries at his disposal. If you’ve lived in Maine these past few years, you’ll know that such an idea defies all common sense. It doesn’t even matter who the opposition in the election is– anyone would be a safer choice than someone who lacks self control as both LePage and Trump do. And when I say “anyone” I actually mean, anyone.

If you want to know what the next 4-8 years would be like with a President Trump, just google “Paul LePage” and read a few things that come up. People with uncontrolled temperaments might be amusing to watch, but they are completely incapable of effectively leading– we tested the theory, and know how it all works out.

Trust us, America. This is a really, really, really bad idea that has no immediate solution… it could be a loooooooonnnnnggg 4-8 years.

I can appreciate that people might get tired of the status quo and long for change, but please, America, learn a lesson from the people of Maine. We’ve already tried the whole President Trump thing, and it’s an absolute disaster.

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