My girlfriend is 25 years old and a virgin. We have tried having sex recently but the pain is excrucaiting for her when I try to penetrate her. After a while I am unable to maintain an erection out of fear that I am going to cause her more pain if I try to enter her. If I touch her at the opening of her vagina, she complains of pain at the bottom of it. I have tried using my finger but I am unable to get much in without causing her much pain and discomfort. Do you think that this may be because her hymen is still fully intact? I am thinking about getting a personal lubricant for the next time we try. We are deeply in love and plan on getting married but this situation is starting to stress me out. Any advice would be very welcome. Thank you.

Our expert says: Sexologist

Pain during sex is not uncommon, but can be addressed. What you are describing is very typical from vaginismis (Vaginismus is a painful spasm of the vagina preventing intercourse.– - http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/175261.php - reading up about that could be beneficial to gain more and better understanding of your girfirend’s body’s reactions. (1) It is crucial that she starts with Kegel excercises – research that – as that will help her to gain more voluntary control over the muscles directly involved during sex and that will help her to relax the muscles when they start tensing; (2) further it would be wonderful if you as the partner could assist her with your fingers (start with one until you are relaxed enough and then progress to two until she is comfortable and then three. Once you can insert 3 fingers you should be able to handle penetration by your partner. (3) Try to prevent penetration at all times until she is relaxed enough and lubricated enough (use KY if she does not have enough body fluids) and relaxed enough. If you find it difficult to achieve or address on your own; it always help to do it in conjunction with discussions and therapy with a relationship therapist that can contain the relationship and your dynamic while your work on this physically on your own.

It is important to be patient with one another and relaxed. Do not rush it or penetrate irrespective of the pain as it will just get worse – painful experiences will increase pain the next time….or times reinforcing a negative association and image of sex.

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealthza.co.za. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.