I haven’t been here in a while–or, at least, haven’t been here to the full extent that I used to be–so I would suspect that most of my followers hardly remember who I am and what my current life circumstances are, nor would they care. That said, my life has changed drastically in the past year, and being that some of it is trans-related I believe this blog is an optimal place to talk about it.

I scheduled a phalloplasty consultation for the beginning of October, right after my 18th birthday. The pipe dream of my past suddenly feels real; I’ve been fantasizing about completing my transition for what seems like forever, and now the finish line is almost tangible. Starting testosterone and getting top surgery have had a profoundly positive impact on my life and general well-being so there’s no reason not to believe that phalloplasty will have a similarly positive impact, although that may be marred by having to endure four separate operations each with taxing recovery times.

I will be attending university starting fall 2019, as I’ve decided to take a gap year for reasons completely unrelated to my transition. Still, the gap year gives me ample time to get my act together and prepare for my forthcoming surgeries. I don’t think that by the time of my consultation in October my surgeon will have dates available next summer, but I figured it would be better to get the ball rolling and have plenty of time to prepare and plan for a potential initial surgery in the summer of 2020.

The prospect of being post-op stage 1 of phalloplasty at the latest two years from now is surreal, and of course a bit daunting. The aesthetics of the post-op result are undeniably important to me, so I feel as if I’m almost setting myself up for disappointment by pursuing surgery as soon as possible instead of waiting until I’m 100% satisfied with the outcome of bottom surgery. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with where phalloplasty is right now (otherwise I wouldn’t be pursuing it), but I can’t lie by saying I haven’t seen a few photos that were less than appealing. I don’t mean to bash on other peoples’ surgery results and forgive me if I sound callous–but quite frankly I’m scared as shit knowing that I may not be satisfied with my penis’ look fully post-op. I want it to look as cis as possible, not an obvious surgical knockoff.

My desire for a sex life in college and beyond and to finally declare myself post-transition, though, trump any apprehensions I have toward aesthetic. Like I said, although not completely satisfied I am happy where phalloplasty is now, and given that there most likely will be no world-shattering phalloplasty improvements within the next decade, I fully believe that pursuing it now is the right choice.

tl;dr: I scheduled a phalloplasty consult and I’m both excited and anxious for the future.