



Which Brooklyn Nets player is just like a Greggs Sausage Roll? Why do donner kebabs only get garbage time minutes in our diets? All this and more are addressed in the below piece of serious investigative journalism.





British basketball culture is unique. Rooting for a team that plays thousands of miles away doesn't automatically make sense. It's tough to explain to people, but once you can demonstrate what's got you so enamoured others quickly understand. The same can be said for British food. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with our culinary staples, the below will give you a taste for what to expect. But try them, you might just like them.





Full English Breakfast: Kevin Durant

What?: The best way to start your day. A weekend ritual. A way to tell your heart and waistline you're tired of them. Everything on this list is fried and piled high: sausage, bacon, egg (variety of options), mushrooms, tomato, baked beans, fried bread, black pudding, hash browns.

Why?: Just as KD's game has everything, so does a Full English. Durant is possibly the most versatile scorer the NBA has ever seen, being able to get buckets from anywhere he wants. Much like KD's game, a Full English Breakfast also has everything. A delicious assortment of foods that, when combined to make one forkful of deliciousness. Also, like KD a Full English is NOT healthy.









Marmite: Kyrie Irving

What?: A thick, dark, spreadable yeast extract that's great on toast or on anything you'd eat with melted cheese.

Why?: Marmite's motto is 'You either love it, or you hate it.' It's a mysterious concoction you can't fully understand but its results are undeniable. Much like Kyrie's on-court performance, it's absolutely unique, and his polarising personality means you're either a die-hard ride-or-die Irving fan or, if you're from Boston, you hate his guts. Kendrick Perkins 100% does not like Marmite. It would make him feel sick. Kendrick Perkins is wrong: Marmite is delicious and Kyrie is amazing.

Toad in the Hole: Joe Harris

What?: Eight to ten sausages surrounded by and encased within a gigantic Yorkshire pudding. Cooked in a square dish and served with as much gravy as physically possible. Sometimes peas.





Why?: Often forgotten but a wholesome hearty meal everyone loves. Also, Joe is great at putting the ball (toad) in the hoop (hole). It's not fancy, not flashy, but its flavour is undeniable.





Bangers and mash: Spencer Dinwiddie and Jarrett Allen

What?: On reflection, an unnecessary way to describe sausages and mashed potato. You've got to have a caramelised onion gravy and serve with your choice of green vegetable.

Why?: A winning combination. Their pick and roll is simple yet effective and they work incredibly well together, as do sausages and mashed potato. Or, mashed fro-tato, if you will.





Deep-fried Mars Bar: Theo Pinson

What?: Take a Mars Bar out of its wrapper, take it to a chip shop, have them cover it in batter and deep fry until it's crisp and golden brown.

Why?: Everyone's guilty pleasure. Sure, you can't eat it all the time, but the idea of something so deliciously sweet just makes you happy. Much like the NBA's favourite hypeman, no-one is really pushing for Pinsanity to get minutes, but if he was traded off the roster then the fans would be heartbroken.





Mixed Doner Kebab with chips and garlic mayo: Rodion Kurucs

What?: A warm pitta bread topped with fresh salad and mysterious meat that's been sliced off a spinning spit surrounded by heat lamps. Chips are a must and while other condiments are available (sweet chilli is also acceptable) garlic-infused mayonnaise is the undisputed king.

Why?: Only seen in garbage time, yet there's an argument that Rodi should be getting more minutes. The same can be said for a kebab: There's lots of salad so there's an argument that it could be good for you. Yet, you decide it's only appropriate for the 3am taxi ride home after the pub. Doesn't make it any less delicious.

Greggs Sausage Roll: Deandre Jordan

What?: Greggs is a chain of cheap-and-cheerful bakeries that specialise in meat-stuffed carbs and cheap takeaway coffee. Their sausage rolls have developed a cult status and are the perfect breakfast on the go when you only have loose change in your pocket.

Why?: Simple yet effective. Greggs Sausage Rolls are surprisingly good value when you really think about it. If you're clever, you'll buy your sausage rolls in a 3 for 2 meal deal so, much like DJ, the package deal is greater than the sum of its parts. Jordan too is a simple player, yet, to everyone's surprise, has proven to be effective. They also do a vegan version now, which is sure to go down well with the Beyond Meat-loving centre.









Afternoon Tea: Sean Marks

What?: More of a dining experience than a normal meal. Afternoon Tea, similar to High Tea or Cream Tea is tea (sometimes bagged, sometimes loose-leaf, but always served in a teapot) accompanied by bite-sized cakes, pastries, scones with jam and clotted cream, and sandwiches. All perched on top of a tiered cake stand and served on your finest table linen and eaten with your best silverware.

Why?: It's the classiest of meals. Sean Marks is the classiest of General Managers. The Nets GM stays classy by handing beers out to the Barclays Center crowd and by conducting himself with the highest professionalism.