Let’s just begin with the most frightening part and give you a glimpse of the darkness in me.

You know, the part most people try to ignore, suppress or hide because… Because, well, the pain, the shame, the fear. Something (often: many things) went wrong and you just can’t cope.

I found myself at the Primark. Yes, the Primark. A place I’d rather not be but I had to find this certain Harry Potter scarf for one of our kids for carnaval. And I was numb. I stood there on the escalator going up, staring over the hand railing. I looked up to the next floor where there was just a glass fence shielding the deep gap alongside the escalator. “How easy” I thought. “To just climb over”. That would be all to it. No more me. No more pain. No more shame or fear.

I guess I would have been a jumper.

I didn’t jump*. But many others do. And many others choose other ways. And I wish we could make them not to. I wish they could see/feel something that would change their mind. The ones that don’t see another way: I wish them peace. I wish the playmate from my primary school, who in his teens hanged himself in the staircase of his parental dwelling, peace. I wish my former colleague, who wrote his girlfriend a farewell-note and then went to the forest to hang himself, peace. I wish peace to the boyfriend of a dear friend who refused to take medication and died of the consequences of Aids, the former roommate of my sister who decided the misery of her life was enough and went to drown herself, the woman who laid herself down in front of the large rear tires of my father’s crane truck when he got a green light and started driving** and the deceased woman whose body I saw lying still on the railroad tracks, the train a few metres away standing still as well.

If you feel very down, if you think you can’t make it on your own, I hope you find or have access to someone that can be of help to you. Friends are a good start, but I do recommend you get professional help. It’s important to have someone with an objective and non-judgemental view to talk to. Depression is something to take very seriously. Take yourself seriously. I really wish that we can all find peace by insight, appreciation, dealing with and hopefully enjoy living our lives, not by ending it.

*At the end of 2018, beginning of 2019, a deep depression got hold of me. Several things, happening in the past and present, led to it. It’s also probably in my genes. My mother was diagnosed with chronic depression and was committed to psychiatric institutions a number of times during my childhood and teens. I hit rock-bottom: panic-attacks, hyperventilation, constant anxiety and I didn’t want to go out or on anymore. But I did go on. Part of why I did go on is because I’m angry. I refuse to give in. I’ve seen and felt enough of how depression affects a family, especially a child, and I don’t want to be that person. So I reached out to several professional helpers (my doctor, my counsellor, a breathing therapist) and recently my first appointment for the real deal therapy was confirmed after being on a waiting list for over 4 months (contrary as to what most of you probably think the Dutch mental health system sucks big time!!). I hope the therapy will help me change or at least understand and cope with the patterns that limb me. I want to function better and appreciate myself more than I (n)ever did. Oh and: I’m on medication. I resisted at first (I know what it did to my mother), but it shows it helps me a lot. I have become more patient. I read many books on several subjects and I began creating again. Things are still messy. There is still a lot of stuff to overcome. I am still afraid (and I have my reasons believe me) I’m just not that strict with myself anymore and that in itself is worth an awful lot.

** My dad luckily didn’t see it happen (didn’t notice as well because of the size and weight of his crane truck) and was urged to stop by a taxi driver. He was strongly advised to not walk around his truck to have a look, that would have been too traumatic. He did receive victim support afterwards and he also had contact with the husband of the woman, who assured him there was nothing he could have done to prevent it and if it hadn’t been my dad's truck on that time and place his wife would have probably looked for another way to end her life.