LAWRENCE, KS—Lamenting the NCAA’s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns, representatives from the Kansas men’s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship. “It really sucks we won’t have the chance to lift that trophy over our heads and then see it stripped away from us,” said forward Silvio De Sousa, expressing doubts that the school would ever be able to shell out the cash for such an elite roster of players again. “From the moment Coach Self recruited me with a new car, I wanted to bring a championship back to Kansas for a couple years. It would’ve been so amazing to watch that banner get taken down from the rafters, but it wasn’t in the cards for us this year. I guess I’ll never be able cut down a piece of the net and chuck it in the garbage once the scandal got out.” In a related report, Dayton basketball fans expressed disappointment that they’ll never get to complain for the next decade about being cheated out of a title.

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