Roger

Introduction

Essays lie all over the land, stored up like the unused wheat of a decade ago in the silos of old magazines and modest collections. In the midst of this clumsy abundance, there are rare lovers of the form, the great lovers being some few who practice it as the romance this dedication can be. And romance for us, the readers, when certain names appear on the cover of periodicals. Susan Sontag: the name is a resonance of qualities, of quality itself. The drama of the idea, the composition, a recognition from the past that tells us what the present may bestow when we see her name. The term essay itself is somewhat flat as a definition of the liberality of her floating, restless expositions. A Susan Sontag Reader, a choice from her criticism and fiction, is in no way scant, but it interested me to note that one could regret the omission of almost any piece of her writing, any square of the mosaic that is in the end an extraordinarily beautiful, expansive, and unique talent.

Her writings are hers, intimately and obsessively one might say. They bear, each one, the mark of a large and coherent sensibility, the mark of her interests, her sense of the aesthetic and moral world around us. Almost none of her work comes out of the mere occasion, the book published, the film released, or the fad acknowledged. I suppose her theme is the wide, elusive, variegated sensibility of modernism—a reach of attitude and feeling that will include great works of art, the modern disturbance of the sense of self seen in camp and in pornography, and account for the social, historical disturbance represented by the contemporary glut of photographic images. Modernism is style and the large figures of culture she likes to reflect upon leave in their styles the signature of wishes, attractions, morals, and, always, ideas.

Susan Sontag is not drawn to her themes as a specialty, as one might choose the eighteenth century, but rather as expressions of her own taste, her own being, her own style perhaps. Her imagination is obstinate, stubborn in its insistence upon the heroic efforts of certain moving, complex modern princes of temperament such as Walter Benjamin, Artaud, Roland Barthes, Lévi-Strauss, Canetti, and the tragic moral philosopher Simone Weil. The modern sensibility in her view is democratic; it embraces the aristocratic spirit of the films made by Godard, Bresson, Bergman, and Syberberg. The listing of her interests shows an almost spendthrift openness to example and precept and vivacious practice. But her thoughts surprise. Films, writers, philosophers are, as it were, excavated, brought up to the topsoil to be viewed in the round. This is a particular vision, the defining glance of cultural history in which each thing is itself, unique and to some degree against interpretation —and yet reflecting a disjunctive modern consciousness that is historical. On this theme and its fascinations each of her essays has a profound authority, a rather anxious and tender authority—the reward of passion.

Writing Itself is the title of an essay on Roland Barthes. This essay, her last in point of sequence, is a complicated discourse that may be called formal in its inclusiveness. And yet in the purest sense it is a long, excited aside, free of pedantry, personal in its elevated attentiveness. It is an absorption, a saturation, indeed an infatuation arising from the mind laid bare in the writing, Barthes’s writing. There are his themes, his manner, and since no mind lives alone there are other philosophers, other writers, the period, and France itself. In the midst of all that, the style, the being who undertook his creative enterprises, cannot be understood apart from intuitions that see creation as a private destiny. This sense of the person is the text within the text in Susan Sontag’s essays; the man himself is a sort of interpolation to be arrived at by the critic’s imagination and feeling. She writes of Barthes: He speaks of the quiver, thrill, or shudder of meaning, and his intention is to give pleasure.

As I read over her work about figures from France and Germany, it occurs to me to remark what a good European is this completely American woman who grew up in Arizona and California, attended North Hollywood High, went to the University of Chicago and to Harvard. If I understand the phrase, to be a good European means to be international, respectful of the cultures and peculiarities of nations, to be rooted but not small or provincial or too native for curiosity. With Susan Sontag the ocean-spanning curiosity has been a kind of quest, an obligation to culture as well as the expression of a singular and brightly colored personality. The writers she has chosen to reflect upon are somewhat daunting and I do not think she would place herself among the undaunted. The tone of her writing is speculative, studious and yet undogmatic; even in the end it is still inquiring. There remains what Henry James called the soreness of confusion, the reminder of the unaccountable and inexhaustible in great talents. This remnant of wonder is her way of honoring the exceptional, the finally inimitable.

I do not wish to suggest too great a degree of the ambassadorial in her career, to make of a free and independent intelligence a bringer of news or even of the new. She is too much of a New Yorker for that, too much at home here where you cannot tell anyone anything. What I see as the urbanism of her spirit is the fluency that includes Paris, Berlin, and Rome, and thoughts about the fate of the photograph in Peking and curious aesthetics in Tokyo. She is patient about the mysteries of foreign cultures and patient with our own; her fluency extends to our streets with their pornography and politics, their theater and psychoanalysis. Style is everywhere; it is by patience and intuition that intentions are uncovered.

There is here the essay on style as an abstraction, on form and content as a question of philosophy and moral aesthetics. Whenever speech or movement or behavior or objects exhibit a certain deviation from the most direct, useful, insensible mode of expression or being in the world, we may look at them as having a ‘style,’ and being both autonomous and exemplary. In my view, useful is the most interesting word here; to be beyond the useful and the necessary is to seek authenticity for the urgently invisible threads of cultural experience.

Style is to some degree a decision but it is most importantly a fate, growing out of the unconscious and exemplified, or partly exemplified, in the solutions of craft. This matter, style, which is always her theme, is the opposite of decoration and instead is a consuming essence from which morals, politics, vices, and virtues cannot be expunged. Style, often wishing to hide, is a constant exposure. The spiritual style of Robert Bresson’s films is cool, impersonal, and reserved; the fascist style of Leni Riefenstahl is dramatic, grandiose, orderly, communal, and tribal. Thus, you have not only creators and their achievement, you have character itself. The inner life revealed in style is quite apart from biography in the conventional sense, the biography of dates, ancestry, traumas, and endings. Although Susan Sontag’s work is rich in the sense of the artist as a living person, or as one who has lived, there is very little of the biographical.

* * *

On Photography is one of the truly notable books of our period. It is a prodigality, an acceleration, a rapido which carries an immense accumulation of thought, interpretation, history, and detail as lightly as eggs in a basket. Photographs, the idea of photography, the familiarity of it explode in a dazzle of light. Susan Sontag has made three remarkable films and is herself a sort of pictorial object, as the many arresting photographs of her show. But her book ends on a wistful imagining of an ecology to limit the exploitation, the strip-mining of reality by the greedy photographic image.

Whatever the moral claims made on behalf of photography, its main effect is to convert the world into a department store or museum-without-walls in which every subject is depreciated into an article of consumption, promoted into an item for aesthetic appreciation. The camera, then, is a huge repository of secrets, aggressions, evolutionary usages. It is too relishing perhaps and the result of her fervent, eloquent, and learned exploration is to discover for us—and it is a discovery—that there is a chill in it. The design of cultural phenomena, the design of attitudes, postures, creative acts, the design of a great career—this is the landscape of her talent and dedication. Behind their obtrusive verbosity, Godard’s films are haunted by the duplicity and banality of language.

She, like Barthes and Benjamin, chose philosophy as a student. It is easy to imagine her as a prodigy at the Ecole Normale and no accident that, being an American, she turned up at sixteen at the University of Chicago. Her metaphysical vocabulary retains this habit of mind and she has Nietzsche and Plato as readily at hand as bits of memorized poetry. The powers of photography have in effect de-Platonized our understanding of reality… Conceptualization from instances gathered from afar is her method. There is seldom anything whimsical or indulgent in this far-flung patterning. The structure is genuine, convincing, and the gathering-in is an illumination.

She practices delicately and lightheartedly the aphoristic summation, rather than the aphoristic interruption. About sadomasochism: The color is black, the material is leather, the seduction is beauty, the justification is honesty, the aim is ecstasy, the fantasy is death. Her style, her prose language, is clear, fresh, not meant to tease or to confound. However, the extremity of her subjects will often demand that the expositor by a gymnast. Waywardness attracts her and in waywardness there is humor, outrageousness, the unpredictable, along with extremity. In that sense her work is sensual and many of her essays are about heroic insatiability, as in the instance of the brilliant Syberberg’s Hitler.

Notes on Camp is an early, exhilarating work about style at an ineffable outpost of sensibility. Camp is parochial in that it can only be fulfilled in the city with its infinite byways. Camp is the answer to the problem: how to be a dandy in the age of mass culture. If the word is beyond definition, it is not beyond reflection, example, listing. The essay is amused, a sophisticated precondition for a pose that elevates the amusing to a criterion. The camp sensibility is not a text to be held in the hand. The only text is finally this essay, with its incorporation of the exemplar of the camp mode—the epigrams of Oscar Wilde. The essay is intuition, observation, tolerance for the inverted, the willful. Camp is a woman walking around in a dress made of three million feathers.

* * *

In her novels and stories we discover what we have learned to expect from Susan Sontag; that is, that all is unexpected. Her fiction is angular, devious, and yet I would call it ruled by a special rationalism, and when we read we are trying to bring these aspects into harmony. Form, the narrative challenge, must be, will be, made to yield; it is a battle, but a lighthearted, good-natured battle. In The Benefactor the domestic is the stuff, the furniture of solitude and dreams have the willed complicity of actions: This dream was my first immoderate act. Death Kit: the railway tunnel of death is bursting with life; it is crammed with quotations, messages, visions of firemen, Civil War veterans, football players, those who wear the uniforms of function. Space is overwhelming, determining.

The fictions are not fantasies; they are inventions chained to the normal, even to some possible average. Dalton Harron in Death Kit is a mild fellow, gently reared in a middle-sized city in Pennsylvania and expensively educated. A good-natured child, the older son of civilized parents who had quietly died. Debriefing, laid out in a random and episodic manner, is finally about sequence, cause and effect. From the flow of the consuming debris of consciousness in the street, in the national life, from books in the head, cleaning women, metaphysics, diet, and music, you have the cause of Julia’s suicide. Julia, a wayward, retreating young woman, is very far from being unmotivated. She can be seen as disastrously locked in the idea of final consequence—and the end is suicide. The narrator, who will live, finds life in the recognition of the absurd. She will, as she says, roll the rock up the hill, again and again. Nothing, nothing could tear me away from this rock.

In the story Unguided Tour, the surface is conversation, question, response, musing statement, drifting comment. Everything is swept over rapidly, none of it quite fulfilled. There is a plot and the lovers are on a trip to the cities of the beautiful, famous things, the objects of cultural reverence. Or they will consume scenery of aesthetic acclaim, mountains and lakes. They quarrel, falter with fatigue, they buy things, they are forced into the inescapable utterances of travel, which will inevitably be clichés. The young people are not caricatures, not innocents abroad, but nevertheless they will suffer, as we all do, from the inexpressible because there is no language, no spoken definition of feeling equal to the experience of the things seen, the places visited. The openness of the world and history inspires greed and an immense weariness. The infinite is exhausting and there is no relief from the great longing for another place.

Finally, availability is an illusion. The restaurants, the churches, the monuments, the centuries, the ruins can yield only a sameness. They are still there, but the present is tinged with loss. The ancient streets are filled with automobiles. There is a crack in the cloister wall and what a pity one could not have seen it all a hundred years ago, when it was more itself.

In 1966 a number of essays by Miss Sontag which had appeared in magazines were collected into a published book, Against Interpretation. Appeared is to the point in this case since it leads to the personal, the noticeable, the theatrical element in taste and in point of view when the observer is a foraging pluralist. This first book of essays was provoking, meaning to unsettle by an insistent avant-gardism, by aesthetic irregularities such as camp, science fiction, and the film Flaming Creatures, the poetry of transvestism, closed on the ground of obscenity by the police. These diversions are bright, poisonous poppies, flaming about Simone Weil, Lévi-Strauss, Camus, and others. There is an anarchic, intrepid stretch to the book. In it we are invited to a new sensibility, in which the beauty of a machine or of the solution to a mathematical problem, of a painting by Jasper Johns, or a film by Jean-Luc Godard, and of the personalities and music of the Beatles is equally accessible. Youthful, brilliant, and so ardently interesting and unmistakably hers. And a mood that would at last disappoint, or if not disappoint, fall into familiarity and thereby ask of her intelligence some steadier and more difficult refinement.

Her essays gradually became longer, and perhaps more serene, and certainly less imploring. The labyrinthine perfectionism, the pathos of a dissatisfied spirit like Walter Benjamin came to her, I think, as a model, and certainly as an object of love, the word in no way out of bounds. It is love that makes her start her essay on Benjamin by looking at a few scattered photographs. Benjamin is not an image to us; his is one of those faces that dissolve. It would seem that his body and soul are not friends. And so we can never be surrounded, illuminated as we are by the face of Kafka, a face of absolute rightness. The wish to find Benjamin as a face is touching, subjective, venerating. And this is the mood of much of her recent work, particularly the majestic honoring of Barthes and the homage to Canetti, himself a great and complicated admirer of his own chosen instances of genius.

Thinking about Susan Sontag in the middle of her career is to feel the happiness of more, more, nothing ended. An exquisite responsiveness of this kind is unpredictable, although one of the intentions of her work is to find the central, to tell us what we are thinking, what is happening to our minds and to culture. There are politics, fashions, art itself, and of course the storehouse of learning to be looked at again and again in her own way. I notice that in her late work she stresses the notion of pleasure in the arts, pleasure in thinking. Only the serious can offer us that rare, warm, bright-hearted felicity.

Elizabeth Hardwick

FROM

The Benefactor

One

My childhood and university career.

I find friends and become independent.

My resolutions.

On the difficulties of this narrative.

Je rêve donc je suis

If only I could explain to you how changed I am since those days! Changed yet still the same, but now I can view my old preoccupations with a calm eye. In the thirty years which have passed, the preoccupation has changed its form, become inverted so to speak. When it began, it grew in me and emptied me out. I ignored it at first, then admitted it to myself, then sought consolation from friends, then resigned myself to it, and finally learned to exploit it for my own wisdom. Now, instead of being inside me, my preoccupation is a house in which I live; in which I live, more or less comfortably, roaming from room to room. Some winters I don’t turn on the heat. Then I stay in one room, warmly wrapped in my leather coat, sweaters, boots, and muffler, and recall those agitated days. I have become a rather cranky old man, given to harmless philanthropies. A few friends pay me calls because they are lonely, not because they greatly enjoy my company. Decidedly, I have become less interesting.

Even as a child, there were traits which distinguished me from my playmates. My origins themselves are unremarkable: I come from a prosperous family which still resides in one of the larger provincial cities. My parents were well into middle age when I was born, much the youngest of three children, and my mother died when I was five. My sister was already married and lived abroad. My brother had just come of age and entered my father’s business; he married young (shortly after my mother died) and with equanimity, and soon had several children. I have not seen him for many years. Thus, I had ample opportunity to be alone as a child, and developed a somewhat premature taste for solitude. In that large house, from which my father and brother were chronically absent, I was thrown upon myself, and early evidenced a seriousness, tinged with melancholy, which youth did not dispel. But I did not seek to be different. I did well at school, played with other children, flirted with young girls and brought them presents, made love to the maid, wrote little stories—in short, filled my life with the activities normal for my class and age. Because I was not particularly shy, and never sullen, I managed to pass among my relatives as a somber but likable child.

It was when I completed my schooling and left the town of my birth to attend the national university that I first became unable to suppress the sense of being different. In everything, one’s surroundings are of great importance. Up to now I had been surrounded by my nurse, my father, relatives, friends, all of whom were easily pleased with themselves and me, and lived in comfortable agreement with each other. I was fond of their society. The only one of their traits I found distasteful was the ease and complacency with which they assumed a posture of moral indignation; otherwise, they were to me no more and no less than people might sensibly be expected to be. But when I moved to the capital I soon realized that not only did I not resemble the stolid provincials among whom I had been reared, but I was also unlike the restless cosmopolitans among whom I now lived and with whom I expected to have more in common. Around me were young men and women of my own age, some like myself from the provinces but most from the metropolis in which the university was situated. (I omit the name of this city, not to tease the reader—for I have not excised from this narrative certain words and the names of local institutions known to every would-be tourist, so that the reader will soon be able to identify in which city I lived—but because I wish to indicate my conviction that where I lived was not of importance in the matters I shall relate; I make no complaint against my homeland or against this city in particular, which is no worse and perhaps better than most places, a center of culture and the residence of many interesting and gracious people.) At the university, then, were gathered the ambitious youth of my country. Everyone was preparing for accomplishment, some in medicine, the law, the arts, the sciences, some for the civil service, and some for revolutions; while I found my heart empty of personal ambition. Ambition, if it feeds at all, does so on the ambition of others. I did not come into this sort of relation, part conspiratorial and part envious, with my peers. I have always enjoyed being by myself, and the company of others is more pleasant to me when interspersed with large quantities of the refreshment which I find in myself, and in my dreams and reveries.

Genuinely, I believe, lacking all the usual motives of ambition such as spurred my fellow students—not even the ambition to displease my family, this being a time of great strain between the generations—I nevertheless proved myself a capable and enthusiastic student. Inspired by the prospect of becoming learned, I enrolled in the most varied courses of lectures. But this very thirst for inquiry, which led to the investigations that subsequently preoccupied me, did not find a proper satisfaction in the divisions and faculties of the university. Do not misunderstand, it was not that I objected to specialization. On the contrary, genuine specialization—the neat and sensitive marking off of a subject, and its accurate quartering and adjacent subdivisions—was just what I looked for and could not find. Neither did I object to pedantry. What I objected to was that my professors raised problems only in order to solve them, and brought their lectures to a conclusion with maddening punctuality. My stubborn commitment to learning was comparable to that of a hungry man who is given sandwiches and eats them in the wax paper, not because he is too impatient to unwrap them, but simply because he has never learned or else has forgotten how to remove the paper. My intellectual hunger did not make me insensible to the unappetizing fare of the university lecture rooms. But for a long time I could neither peel off the tasteless wrappings nor eat more moderately.

I studied in this way for three years. At the end of this time I published my first and only philosophical article; in it I proposed important ideas on a topic of no great importance. The article was controversial and excited some discussion in the general literary world, and because of it I was admitted to the circle of a middle-aged couple, foreign-born and newly rich, who had an estate in the suburbs and collected stimulating people. On weekends, the Anderses provided horseback riding in the afternoon, chamber music in the evening, and long formal meals. Besides myself, the regular guests included a professor who had written several books on the theory of revolution, a Negro ballet dancer, a famous physicist, a writer who had been a professional boxer, a priest who led a weekly forum on the radio called Confessions and Remedies, and the elderly conductor of the symphony orchestra of a neighboring city (he came sporadically, but he was having an affair with the young daughter of the house). It was Frau Anders, a plump sensuous woman in her late thirties, who really presided, her husband’s presence being irregular and his authority nominal; he was often away on business trips; I gathered that their marriage was one of convenience rather than sentiment. Frau Anders insisted on punctuality and deference, but was otherwise a generous hostess, attentive to her guests’ idiosyncrasies and skillful in drawing them out.

All of Frau Anders’s guests, even the vain and handsome ballet dancer, were virtuoso talkers. At first I was irritated and bewildered by the looseness of their conversation, by their readiness to express an opinion on any subject. These exchanges over a sumptuous dinner table seemed to me no more responsible intellectually than the acrimonious café debates of my fellow students. It took me a while to appreciate the distinctive virtues of the salon. Having opinions was only part of it. The more serious part was the display of personality. Frau Anders’s guests were particularly accomplished at this display; no doubt, that was why they had come together. I found this emphasis on personality, rather than opinions, restful. Already I had detected in myself a certain paucity of opinions. I knew that entering the estate of manhood meant purchasing a set of more or less permanent opinions, yet I found this more difficult than others apparently did. It was not due to intellectual torpor nor, I hope, to pride. My system was simply too busy receiving and discharging what I found about me. And in Frau Anders’s circle I learned not to envy others because I had less certitude than they. I had a great faith (it seems a little naïve in retrospect) in my own good digestion, and in the eventual triumph of patience. That there is order in this world still appears to me, even in my old age and isolation, beyond doubt. And I did not doubt that in this order I would find a place, as I have.

I ceased attending lectures at the university after acquiring this new circle of friends, and soon after officially resigned. I also stopped writing the monthly letter to my father. One day my father visited the capital on business and took the opportunity to see me. I assumed he meant to reproach me for neglecting my epistolary duties, but I did not hesitate to tell him immediately that I had abandoned my formal studies. I thought it better to deal with his reproaches in one interview than to have him hear the news, which he would interpret as truancy, indirectly. To my great satisfaction, he was not angry. According to his view, my older brother had fulfilled all the hopes he had for a son; for this reason he declared himself willing to support me in any independent path I might choose. He made arrangements with his banker to increase my monthly allowance, and we parted warmly with assurances of his continued affection. I was now in the enviable position of being entirely at my own disposal, free to pursue my own questions (the treasure I had accumulated since my childhood) and to satisfy, better than the university had done, my passion for speculation and investigation.

I continued to spend many hours of each day in rapid voracious reading, though I fear that as I read I did not think much. Not until years later did I understand that here was reason enough to abstain from reading. However, I did stop writing: except for a film scenario, my journals, and numerous letters, I have written nothing since that youthful philosophical article on a topic of no importance. Nothing, that is, until now, when with difficulty I again take up my pen. After reading, my chief pleasure at that time was conversation, and it was in conversation at Frau Anders’s and with a few ex-comrades at the university that I occupied those first fledgling months of independence. Of my other interests there seems no reason to speak in detail. My sexual needs were not unduly clamorous, and periodic excursions into a disreputable quarter of the city sufficed to satisfy them. Politics interested me no further than the daily newspaper. In this I resembled most of my generation and class, but I had additional reasons of my own for being unpolitical. I am extremely interested in revolutions. But I believe that the real revolutions of my time have been not changes of government or of the personnel of public institutions but revolutions of feelings and seeing, much more difficult to analyze.

Sometimes I have thought that the perplexities I encountered in my own person were themselves symptoms of such a general revolution of feeling—a revolution not yet named, a dislocation of consciousness not yet diagnosed. But this notion may be presumptuous on my part. In all likelihood, my difficulties are no more than my own; nor does it distress me to claim them as mine. Luckily, being of a sturdy constitution and serene temperament, I did not endure my inquietude passively, and have extracted, through struggle, crisis, and years of after-meditation, a certain sense from it. However, I wish at the start to warn the reader that while I endeavor conscientiously to present a just selection of those events, it is with no more than the eye and mainly the ear of recollection. It is easier to endure than to change. But once one has changed, what was endured is hard to recall.

Strangeness becomes you, my father said to me that kind May afternoon.

I was, in fact, not as eccentric then as many of the people I knew—in Frau Anders’s salon, on the boulevards, in the university—but I did not contradict him.

Let it be so, Father, I said.

* * *

One word more. From my earliest schooling, I was exposed to the secular intellectual ideals of my country: clarity, rigor, education of the feelings. I was taught that the way to treat an idea is to break it into its smallest component parts, and then to retrace one’s steps, proceeding from the most simple to the complex—not forgetting to check, by enumeration, that no step is omitted. I learned that reasoning itself, apart from the particular demands of whatever problem it is applied to, has a correct form, a style, which may be learned as one learns the right way to swim or to dance.

If I now object to this style of reasoning, it is not because I share the distrust of reason which is the leading intellectual fashion in our century. My old-fashioned teachers were not in error. The method of analysis does solve all problems. But is that what is wanted always: to solve a problem? Suppose we reverse the method, and proceed from the most complex to the most simple. To be sure, we will be left with less than we started. But why not? Instead of accumulating ideas, we might be better occupied with dissolving them—not by a sudden act of will, but slowly, and with great patience. Our philosophers teach that the whole is the sum of its parts. True. But perhaps any part also is the sum of the whole; perhaps the real sum of the whole is that part which is smallest, upon which one can concentrate most closely. To assume that the whole is the sum of its parts is to assume also that ideas and things are—or can be made to be—symmetrical. I have found that there are symmetrical ideas and asymmetrical ones as well. The ideas which interest me are asymmetrical: one enters through one side and exits through a side which is shaped quite differently. Such ideas rouse my appetite.

But the appetite for thinking must be regulated, as all sensible people know, for it may stifle one’s life. I was more fortunate than most in that, in my youth, I had no settled ambitions, no tenacious habits, no ready opinions which I would have to sacrifice to thought. My life was my own: it was not dismembered into work and leisure, family and pleasure, duty and passion. Still, I held back at first—keeping myself free of unnecessary entanglements, seeking the company of those whom I understood and therefore could not be seduced by, yet not daring to follow my inclinations toward solitary thought to their conclusion.

During this period of my youth, in the years immediately following my resignation from the university, I took the opportunity to travel outside my native country, and to observe the manners of other peoples and social classes. I found this more instructive than the wordy learning of the university and the library. Perhaps because I never left the country for more than a few months at a time, my travels did not demoralize me. Observing the variety of beliefs in different countries did not lead me to conclude that there is no true right and wrong but only fallible human opinion. However much men disagree about what is forbidden and what allowed, everyone aspires to order and to truth. Truth needs the discipline of custom in order to act. I do not deny that custom is usually narrow-minded and ungenerous. But one has no right to be outraged when, in self-defense, it martyrs the partisans of extreme acts. Any discipline, even that of the most sanctimonious custom, is better than none.

While I was occupied with my initial investigations into what I vaguely thought of as certitude, I felt obliged to reconsider all opinions which were presented to me. Consequently, I felt entitled to none myself. This open-mindedness raised certain problems as to how my life was to be guided for the interim, for while I questioned content I did not want to lose form. I drew up, for the duration of this period of inquiry, the following provisional maxims of conduct and attitude:

1. Not to be satisfied with my own, or anyone else’s, good intentions

2. Not to wish for others what they did not wish for themselves

3. Not to spurn the advice of others

4. Not to fear disapproval, but to observe as much as is feasible the rules of tact and discretion

5. Not to value possessions, nor be distracted by ambition

6. Not to advertise myself, nor make demands on others

7. Not to wish for a long life

These principles were never difficult to follow, since they accorded with my own disposition anyway. Happily, I can claim to have observed them all, including the last rule. For although I have had a long life, I have not gone out of my way to provide for it. (I should mention, to give the reader a proper perspective, that I am now sixty-one years old.) And this life, I must also add, I do not recount because I consider it an example to anyone. It is for myself alone; the path I have followed and the certitude I have found would be unlikely to suit anyone but myself.

The traditional metaphor for a spiritual investigation is that of the voyage or the journey. From this image I must dissociate myself. I do not consider myself a voyager, I have preferred to stand still. I would describe myself rather as a block of marble, acceptably though crudely shaped on the outside, inside which there is a comely statue. When the marble is hewn away, the freed statue may be very small. But whatever the size of the statue, it is better not to endanger it by moving the marble block frequently.

For this effort of hewing away the marble which enclosed me, no experience, no preoccupation was too small. I found nothing to despise. Take, for example, the group of people collected by Frau Anders. It would have been easy to dismiss them as vain and frivolous. But each of them had some perspective on life which was of interest, and something to teach me—the most satisfying grounds for friendship. Sometimes I wished that Frau Anders were not so solely concerned to please and to be pleased. She could have set herself up as a counter-force to her guests’ pursuit of their own individualities. Then, instead of revolving around our hostess with compliments and attention, we could have spied on her. She might have asked us to perform and to create in her name, which everyone would have refused. She might have forbidden us to do things, like write novels or fall in love, so that we might have disobeyed her. But good manners forbade that I should have asked more of this woman than she was capable of giving. It was enough that the society I found at her house amused me, without arousing in me many expectations.

As evidence of my friendly conduct as a member of this society, I submit the following anecdote. One day Frau Anders asked me if the lack of financial privation in my life did not open opportunities for boredom. I replied, truthfully, that it did not. I then realized that this rich and still handsome woman was not asking me a question but telling me something, namely, that she herself was bored. But I did not accept her discreet complaint. I explained to her that she was not bored; she was, or was pretending to be, unhappy. This little comment instantly lifted her spirits, and I was pleased to see in subsequent visits to the house that she had become quite gay. I have never understood why people find it so difficult to speak the truth to their acquaintances and friends. In my experience, the truth is always appreciated, and the fear of giving offense is greatly exaggerated. People fear to offend or hurt others, not because they are kind, but because they do not care for the truth.

Perhaps it would be easier for people to care for the truth if they understood that truth only exists when they tell it. Let me explain. The truth is always something that is told, not something that is known. If there were no speaking or writing, there would be no truth about anything. There would only be what is. Thus, to me, my life and my preoccupations are not the truth. They are, simply, my life, my preoccupations. But now I am engaged in writing. And in daring to transpose my life into this narrative, I shoulder the dreadful responsibility of telling the truth. I find the narrative which I undertake a difficult task, not because it is hard for me to tell the truth about myself in the sense of reporting honestly what happened, what took place, but because it is hard for me to speak the truth in the more pretentious sense, truth in the sense of insisting, rousing, convincing, changing another.

Sometimes I cannot help pursuing various ideas I have of the character and preoccupations of my readers. This weakness I hope to conquer. It is true that the lessons of my life are lessons only for me, suited only to me, to be followed only by me. But the truth of my life is only for someone else. I warn the reader that I shall try henceforth not to imagine who that someone else is, and whether he or she is reading what I have written. This I cannot, and rightly should not, know.

For to speak the truth is one thing; to write it another. When we speak, we address someone else. When we speak what is best—which is always the truth—still it is to a person, with the thought of a person. But if there is any chance of writing something that is true, it will only be because we have banished the thought of another person.

When we write the truth, we should address ourselves. When in writing we are didactic and admonitory, we must consider that we instruct and admonish only ourselves, for our own failings alone. The reader is a happy accident. One must allow the reader his liberty, his liberty to contradict what is written, his liberty to be distracted by alternatives. Therefore, it would be improper for me to try to convince the reader of all that is in this book. It is enough that you imagine me now, as I am, with the companionship of my recollections, in comparative peace, desiring the solace of no one. It is enough that you imagine me now, elderly scribe to my younger self, and accept that I am changed, and that it was different before.

Two

I have a dream, the dream of two rooms.

Jean-Jacques and I discuss it.

I don’t know how soon it was after the commencement of my visits to the Anders house that I began having a series of dreams that moved and upset me. It was a year, I think, perhaps more. I recall that I had just returned from a brief trip abroad. And I remember how I spent the evening before the first dream. With some others of her circle, I had accompanied Frau Anders to a concert; afterwards I joined a university friend at a café, where I drank somewhat more than was usual for me and argued for the unseemliness of suicide. Toward morning I returned to my rooms in a mood of buoyancy, and without undressing flung myself in bed.

* * *

I dreamed that I was in a narrow room which had no windows, only a small door about thirty centimeters high. I wanted to leave and bent down. When I saw that I could not squeeze through the door, I was ashamed that someone might see me conducting such an investigation into the obvious. There were several chains hanging from the wall, each of which terminated in a large metal band. I tried to fasten one of the chains first to some part of my body, but the band was too big for either my hand or my foot and too small for my head. I was in some prison, although apart from the chains the room did not have the appearance of a cell.

Then I heard a noise which came from the ceiling. A trap door opened, and a large man wearing a one-piece bathing costume of black wool peered down at me. The man lowered himself by his hands, hung for a moment, then jumped to the floor. When he stood up and walked, he limped a trifle and grimaced. I assumed he had hurt himself in the jump. I thought it possible that he was already lame; but then it seemed odd for him to have attempted such a feat, for the ceiling was high. And being lame did not suit the acrobatic fitness of his shiny muscular limbs.

Suddenly I became afraid of him, for I knew I had no right to be in this room. He said nothing, and merely indicated by signs that I was to pass through the small door which I had previously investigated. The door was larger now. I knelt down, and crawled through. When I stood up, I was in another room which looked exactly like the first. The man in the bathing suit was behind me, holding a long copper-colored instrument which looked like a flute. He signaled me to dance by doing a few steps and turns himself. I was afraid again, and asked him why I had to do this. Because in this room he dances, he said in an even, placating voice.

But I am not ‘he,’ I replied, delighted to be able to reason with him. I am Hippolyte, a student at the university, but I do not dance. These last words I said more emphatically than I meant to, with perhaps a touch of rudeness. I only meant to appear firm.

He answered with a threatening gesture aimed at my stomach, and the words That’s a mistake. He dances.

But why? Tell me why, I protested. It can’t give you pleasure to watch a clumsy man dance.

He made another peremptory gesture, this time not simply a threat of violence but a hard blow across the calf of my leg with his flute which made me leap with pain. Then, in a tone of great mildness which seemed to contradict the blow, he said, Does he want to leave this room?

I knew that I was in the hands of someone stronger than myself, and that I could not afford to challenge the man’s peculiar way of addressing me. I wanted to please him. Can’t he leave, if he doesn’t dance? I asked, hoping he would not think I was mocking him.

With that, he hurled the instrument at my face. My mouth filled with blood. I felt very cold. He has lost his chance to dance, he said. I fell to my knees in fear, closed my eyes; I smelled the damp odor of his woolen bathing suit, but nothing happened.

When I opened my eyes the other person in the room was a woman sitting in a tall wicker chair in the corner. She was dressed in something long and white, like a communion dress or a wedding gown.

I could not keep from staring at her, but I knew my gaze was discontinuous, broken, composed of hundreds of frozen gazes, with a tiny interval between each as long as the gaze itself. What interrupted my gaze—the black intervals between the frames, as it were—was the consciousness of something loose in my mouth, and of a painful swelling of my face, which I feared to know more about, as one fears to look at oneself because one doesn’t want to discover one is naked. Since, however, the cordial look which the woman turned on me did not reveal any antipathy, I tried to master my embarrassment. Perhaps my look went on and off because it was changing, and the only way I could convey the illusion of a smooth transition from one stage of my gaze to another was precisely by slicing into the gaze, whereas if it had remained continuous there would have been a blur, and a dissolving of my features, and she would have had a disagreeable impression of my face.

I thought of an ingratiating way to approach her. I started to dance, turning around and around. I jumped, and slapped my knees, and waved my arms. But when I stopped to catch my breath I saw that I had not moved nearer. My face felt heavy. She said, I don’t like your face. Give it to me. I’ll use it as a shoe.

I wasn’t alarmed by this, because she did not get up from her chair. I only said, You can’t put a foot in a face.

Why not? she answered. A shoe has eyeholes.

And a tongue, I added.

And a sole, she said, standing up.

Why do you make silly jokes? I cried, beginning to be alarmed. I asked her the purpose of the chains on the wall, this room being furnished as the other was. Then she told me a story about the house I was in and why I had been put in the room. I have forgotten this part of the dream. I remember only that there was a secret, and a penalty. Also that someone had fainted. And that because someone had fainted, and others were busy caring for him, I was being neglected, and had a right to demand better treatment.

I told her it was I who fainted.

The chains are for you, she said. She came toward me. I took off my shoes hastily, and went with her to the wall, where she fitted the chains around my wrists. Then she brought me her chair to sit in.

Why do you like me? she asked. She was sitting opposite me in another chair. I explained to her that it was because she didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do. But as I said this, I wondered if it were so.

Then there’s no need for me to like you, she replied. Your passion for me will maintain both of us here happily.

I tried to think of a tactful way of telling her that I was happy but that I still wanted to leave. I was happier with her than I had been in the company of the man with the flute. The chains felt like bracelets. But my mouth was sore, my feet were perspiring, and my gaze, I knew, was insincere.

I stretched out my legs and placed my feet in the lap of her white dress. She complained that I was soiling the dress and told me that I would have to go. I could hardly believe my good fortune, and so strong was my feeling of relief that the desire to leave the room was now less urgent than the need to express my gratitude. I asked her if I could kiss her before I left. She laughed and slapped my face. You must learn to take things before you ask, she said sharply, and dance before you are bidden, and surrender your shoes, and compose your face.

Tears came to my eyes. In my distress I implored her to explain further. She didn’t answer. I threw myself on her, with the intention of taking her sexually, and at that very moment awoke.

* * *

I got out of bed in a state of elation. After making myself coffee I cleaned my room thoroughly and put everything in order. I knew that something had happened to me which I wanted to celebrate, and for this purpose the gestures of orderliness are always most satisfying. Then I sat at my desk and considered the dream. Several hours passed. At first the dream intrigued me because it was so clear; that is, I remembered it so well. Yet it seemed as if the very explicitness of the dream barred the way to any fruitful interpretation. I persisted. I devoted the entire morning to puzzling over the details of the dream, and urged myself to apply some ingenuity to their interpretation. But my mind refused to cavort about the dream. By mid-afternoon, I suspected that the dream had, so to speak, interpreted itself. Or even that this morning of mental sluggishness was the real dream, of which the scenes in the two rooms were the interpretation. (I do not hope to make this thought wholly clear to the reader at the present