Sometimes in life we’ll take notice of a child misbehaving and say to ourselves “God damn, that kid needs some discipline.” The following teachers share our views, but take them to the extreme.

3) Coach Gives Student a Crybaby Award

Twenty five students and their parents attended the basketball team’s banquet at Pleasantville Middle School. Terrence Philo Jr anxiously approached the stage to accept his trophy, only to be devastated when coach James Guillen gave him the Crybaby Award.

Terrence’s father, apparently spanking the trophy.

The trophy featured a crawling baby in a diaper, and even had Terrence’s name inscribed on it (although incorrectly spelled as “Terrance”). Following the incident, the Pleasantville Board of Education voted to have Guillen fired. Unfortunately, it turns out that the Board of Education doesn’t have that authority in New Jersey; the superintendent does.

Superintendent Edward Coyle did not fire Guillen. Instead, made him hold a second banquet, this time giving Philo the standard trophy. He was also sent to sensitivity training and banned from coaching. He remains at the school as a special education teacher, where he will likely give out plenty of Retard Awards.

As for Philo, he was so embarrassed about the incident that he refused to go to school the following Monday… which actually seems like the most appropriate way to accept a Crybaby Award.

2) Mental Evaluation for Halloween Drawing

Halloween was in season, and 5th grader Jordan Hood’s art class assignment was to draw a scary mask. He crafted a perfectly grotesque vampire complete with official vampire phrase “I kill for blood.”

He’d heard of vampires, but never actually seen one.

But when his Pooler Elementary School teacher saw it, she mistook it for a gang reference, because she’d apparently never heard of vampires. Either that or The Bloods have a lot of chapters in Georgia middle schools, as she said the drops of blood too closely resembled gang-related teardrop tattoos and alerted the campus police. God help the next kid to draw some raindrops.

Jordan was required to take a psychological evaluation, despite being guilty of nothing but completing an assignment that his art teacher helped him draw. Fortunately, he completed the evaluation and returned to school in time to attend the fall dance, where he was presumably jumped by a bunch of lil Crips.

1) Teacher Punches Student in the Face. Lots.

Teachers tend to have a bad reputation among students and former students, yet we must admit that conflicts are sometimes instigated by the student. For example, one Presbyterian Children’s Village student began throwing chalk at Mr. Richard B. Little, her teacher. This Radnor, Pennsylvania school caters especially to children affected by abuse and neglect, so Mr. Little did the responsible thing and called in a supervisor to handle the situation. The supervisor saw chalk scattered on the ground and instructed Richard to leave the room. Little happily obliged, but on his was out decided to do the irresponsible thing and drag the student into the hallway before punching her in the face until there were bloods everywhere.

Little was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, and “related charges” (Serene assault? Complicated assault?).

He did, however, accompany the student to the hospital. Did he see the error of his ways and wish to accompany her during her recovery? No, he just mangled his hands while repeatedly striking her teeth. That wasn’t a typo when I said “bloods” earlier.

Follow Matt Pass on Twitter @mattpasscomedy or email him at mattpasscomedy@gmail.com

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