Yo Ninja Brian, you see that high schooler over there getting pushed around? This looks like a job for the Cool Patrol!

Hey Kid! (Yo!) You're getting picked on in school

The other boys! (Huh!)! They say you just ain't cool

Well that's bullshit! (Yeah!!) We're gonna teach you the rules

Those motherfuckers ain't gonna bother you no more

We are the bad boys (Oh!) from the tough side of town

We are the Cool Patrol (Woo!) we'll turn your life around

Those bullies (AW SHIT) their ass is done for now

We're gonna show you how! So fuckin' listen y'all! First…

You put your hands in the air

And you jump off the ground

And then you take that funky butt and you shake it all around

And lightly jog in place and then crank it up to a prance

This is the cool patrol dance

Now put your hands in your pockets

And take them right back out

Then spin around in a circle and make an animal sound (moo)

Then glide into the sprinkler like you're gonna water the plants

This is the cool patrol dance

Whee!

Motherfuckin' bullies better watch their ass

You're sending all them shits a message there's a new king in class

When they see you they're gonna freak out and piss their pants

THEY ARE YOUR BITCHES! THEY ARE YOUR BITCHES BECAUSE...

You put your hands in the air

And then stick out your rear end

And then you wiggle it real hard and you hug your closest friend

And then you wildly remove your clothes and tearaway pants

This is the cool patrol dance

Now rub the peanut butter on you

From your head to your feet

And cover up your nudity with different cheeses and meats

Then slap a camel because this could be your only chance

This is the cool patrol dance

Cool Break!

*synth solo*

You put your hands in the air

And grab a bird from the sky

And eat it whole so that you may absorb its power of flight

Now you can also dive bomb fish because your vision's enhanced

This is the cool patrol dance

You're basically a superhero now

So throw some cars

Then rub your magnum thighs together and set fire to Mars

Now harness all your sexy fury in a victory stance