Brutally honest reviews of the finest Hollywoo dining establishments. All restaurants are reviewed on a scale of 0 to 1,000,000,000. The accompanying GIF is a visual representation of review. REVIEWS ARE NOT UP FOR DEBATE.

Samantha Goes to Elefante My late grandmother was a big fan of dinner theater. In fact, she died during the third act of a production of Madame Butterfly at a Japanese restaurant in the Valley. I, on the other hand, am not a fan of dramatics with my dining, which is why I am giving my lowest rating EVER to Elefante, the restaurant owned by mildly successful 90s sitcom actor BoJack Horseman. The food was…well, somewhat fantastic, but at one point during the experience I witnessed Mr. Horseman himself fighting loudly with a pink cat who I believe was his agent (or maybe his ex-agent after that little spat?). I also witnessed a member of the kitchen staff racing through the dining room WHILE IN FLAMES. Might I add that I also waited over 2 hours for my food? It was most frustrating. One bright spot in the meal: The air freshener in the bathroom was cloying and reminded me my grandmother, the one who died at that Japanese restaurant in the Valley.

STAR RATING: 412 out of 1,000,000,000

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Samantha Goes to the Banana Pan The lovely monkeys at this tiny establishment do a fine job……………at ruining your evening. My veggie burger was admittedly delightful, and the strawberry milkshake I sipped while perusing the Twitter feed of my rival critics was rich and alluringly pink. However, the couple sitting next to me kept talking about their recent vacation to New York City, a destination I cannot condone due to the fact that the mere thought of getting on a subway makes me gasp with claustrophobia. A more responsible staff would take care to avoid such junior seating mistakes.

One bright spot in the meal: I found a typo on the menu that reminded me of a wild and passionate night I had with a former set designer from the classic sitcom Mr. Peanutbutter’s House. STAR RATING: 81,210 out of 1,000,000,000 134 notes

Samantha Goes to Muskrat & Frank Old Hollywoo is an obsession of mine. For instance, did you know that Audrey Hepburn once told my mother that a psychic told her that she would give birth to one of Hollywoo’s greatest restaurant critics? (That would be me, for any of my slow readers.) Because of this, it brings me great sadness to declare this Hollywoo institution a total travesty. I left shortly after receiving my appetizer because there was so much food on the plate. It looked more like a full meal. It felt like a personal affront to my spiritual and political beliefs. Even now, as I type this while driving down Sunset (yes, I am driving; multitasking is one of my many skills) my entire body is vibrating with rage. One bright spot in the meal: I saw Maggot Gyllenhaal at the bar on what appeared to be a very bad first date.

STAR RATING: 2,541 out of 1,000,000,000.

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