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The Patriots are going to yet another Super Bowl. Tom Brady’s 8th trip to the big show in 16 years of playing professional football. And obviously no one can have this level of success without cheating. I know this because I listen to Max Kellerman bitch and whine and assume everything he says has to be true. After all, Brady is really, really old. Old people don’t slice up defenses like Jacksonville on the up and up. So we reviewed the game tape and have discovered 10 ways the Patriots and refs cheated to win the AFC Championship…..

10. The Patriots paid the Steelers and Chiefs to lose

The Steelers were 13-3 this year and almost beat the Patriots. The Chiefs murdered the Patriots at home in Week 1. Coincidentally they both lost to crapbag teams at home (Jags and Titans). That only happens when the Patriots pay money to refs to make sure they get the easier matchup. These creampuff teams are not a coincidence. They also paid off the Vikings, Saints, and Falcons to lose, all of who would’ve given the Patriots a bigger challenge in the Super Bowl. The fix is already in.

#Payoffgate

9. The Jaguars taking a knee wit a minute to go in the first half.

The Jaguars decided to kneel with 55 seconds remaining in the first half and 2 timeouts. No team had taken a knee with over 50 seconds remaining in the first half this season. — ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) January 21, 2018

It literally never happens. Obviously the Patriots did something. Not sure what. But this doesn’t just happen on its own. Maybe they fucked with the clock and made them think there was only 10 seconds left. Maybe they paid off Doug Marrone. Who knows. Bottom line is they cheated because when teams make dumb decisions against the Patriots it’s never their fault.

#Kneeldowngate

8. Jaguars take delay of game penalty on first down to put them in field goal range

https://twitter.com/Fumb_Ducks/status/955187110956359680

How obvious does it have to get? Do you think a brilliant tactician like Blake Bortles would ever fuck up the clock like this? Nope. Obviously the playclock that he saw inside the stadium was different from the one on TV. The refs likely did this on purpose just to fuck them over. Were it not for this the Jags would’ve likely driven down for a touchdown, taken a commanding 21-3 lead into half and the game would’ve been over. Because the Patriots have never come back from a 21-3 halftime deficit. Ever.

#Clockgate

7. The Patriots made Jalen Ramsey guarantee a Super Bowl victory

“We going to the Super, AND we gon’ win that bitch.”

Do you think it’s a coincidence that teams insist on giving the Patriots bulletin board material every time they’re about to play a big game? Obviously a mature and grounded product of Florida State like Jalen Ramsey would have the self control to avoid saying something so stupid. What likely happened is that Belichick’s henchmen had his mom tied up in a basement somewhere and would not release her until he made a guarantee that the Jags would win. No other explanation as to why someone would do something so dumb.

#Wogonwindatbitchgate

6. Danny Amendola 3rd and 18 catch

You can't call yourself Sacksonville and muster zero pass rush on 3rd and 18. pic.twitter.com/jLgjdCH2Ks — Parker Lewis (@ParkerLewisJR) January 21, 2018

Amendildo was a non-factor all season. One or two catches a game at most. Then all of a sudden in the biggest moment he makes insane catches to keep the Patriots alive in the 4th quarter on 3rd and 18. What happened here is that Amendildo masks himself as a 5’9″ 180 pound white guy so that no one will take him seriously. Then he sucks all regular season so that no one game plans for him. As a result they don’t bother covering him and he gets wide open and catches a bullet like this to keep a critical drive alive.

#Amendildogate

5. Amendola illegal grundle tuck on TD catch

Again with this guy!! Are you kidding me? No way a 5’9″ 180 pound white guy makes a catch like this. It’s physically impossible. He’s literally standing on the edge of the end zone and can barely get the first foot down:

His momentum was forcing him out of bounds, and there was no way in hell he was getting that second foot in:

Next thing you know he’s doing the illegal Irish grundle dance to complete the catch:

Notice the grundle area. The only way to pull this off is to tuck it in between your legs before the game, thus allowing your testicles to remain in tact. It’s also known as cheating.

#Grundlegate

4. Stephon Gilmore breakup to seal the game on 4th down

WORTH EVERY PENNY! Stephon Gilmore with th pass breakup on 4th down! LET’S GO! #JAXvsNE #Patriots pic.twitter.com/PinpW1P6JW — Casey Baker (@CaseyBake16) January 21, 2018

Have you seen this guy play all season? Remember when we all complained about how much he sucked and what a waste of money he was? Now all of a sudden he’s making insane plays and sending the Patriots to the Super Bowl. Newsflash – sucky players don’t make superstar plays unless they’re cheating. Gilmore was in the air for an eternity because he was using the matrix to defy gravity and make a play he had no business making.

#Matrixgate

3. Gronk faked a concussion

Concussion protocol for Gronk after this hit: pic.twitter.com/6wz2RqB7jz — Kevin Marchina (@kg_holler) January 21, 2018

Gronk was nowhere to be seen in the first few drives. He simply didn’t have it in him. But he knew that Cooks and Amendildo were better options. So obviously he faked a concussion and took himself out of the game because he knew that staying in hurt the Patriots chances of winning, because he would take targets away from Amendildo.

#Concussiongate

2. The Patriots gave them hope

They do this all the time. They know they’re gonna win, but they let you get up early, likely because they know the NFL will make up some bullshit about deflated balls and use it as a way to take away draft picks if they win by too much. Remember in 2014? The Patriots beat the Colts 45-7, which they easily could’ve done to Jacksoville if they wanted to. After that they concocted “deflategate” and the rest was history. The only way to keep the NFL from taking away Patriots draft picks is to give the other team hope by keeping it close when they don’t have to.

#Hopegate

1. Tom Brady had steroids in his thumb stitches

How is no one talking about this? His running back coincidentally hits his thumb in practice, forcing Brady into the training room with his witch doctor Alex Guerrero. No one from the NFL is present when this happens except for Patriots personnel. He gets 10 stitches, which somehow doesn’t affect his play AT ALL!! If anything he was sharper than ever and carved up the best defense in the league like they were a wedge of cheese. Obviously something was in those stitches and the whole thing was scripted. It also forced the Jaguars to waste valuable time preparing for Brian Hoyer when they could’ve been planning how to not get a delay of game in a critical situation.

#Thumbgate

Can’t wait to see how they cheat to win the Super Bowl. Life is unfair because the Patriots win all the time, and instead of just recognizing their greatness we must blame the refs and figure out ways in which they cheated.

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