Odd. One would assume that with all of the training an actor/actress receives throughout the entirety of their career they would have taken a class that properly instructs them on how to deliver a gracious, but not annoying, Oscar speech. The reality is that the most boring aspect of the Oscars is listening to endless parade of thank yous that the international public is subject to; we get it, you’re thankful, now move on please. Here are some tips I have for future-award winners as to not piss off your loyal fans yet not come off as an arrogant asshole.

1. Show some emotion for Christ’s sake you’ve just won an Oscar.

This is perhaps one of the most coveted awards that an actor/actress/director/artist can receive as recognition for a job well done. Like the presidency, “Oscar-Winner” is a title that will follow you always and forever, so please show a little bit of emotion. It’s sad when it seems that the people in your party a little more excited about receiving the award than you are. You’re an actor, dig deep. As my momma always said, “fake it to make it”. That being said …

2. Don’t feign surprise; You’re not that good of an actor.

The whole, “I was not expecting this” is tired and cliched. There is a competitive spirit that resides within all of us. You may have respect for your fellow nominees, and you might even be sincerely be happy if someone other than you wins the award, however at the end of the day you want that chiseled golden icon sitting above your mantle. Don’t deny it. Wanting it doesn’t make you an asshole. Along the same lines …

3. You had a month of prep time, write a damn speech.

Oscar nominations are announced a month ahead of time giving you ample time to entertain the notion that you may or may not win the damn thing. PREPARE. Like any other performance, get your script and memorize your lines. Similarly, have your notecard/piece of paper/3 paragraph essay IN YOUR HAND as they are announcing the nominees so that we do not have to awkwardly watch you struggle to unearth your speech from whatever pocket you have placed your speech. Speaking of speeches …

4. Don’t thank everyone; No one really cares.

We understand that a number of individuals are responsible for your individual success. Everyone from the director guiding you to play the character in a particular way to the lowly assistant that sustains your caffeine addiction, keeping you from keeling over on set. They are all important, but you only have a few seconds to leave a lasting impression of appreciation and hastily spouting off random names is not necessarily the best way to do it. Also, don’t thank God. People may or may not agree with me on this, but it always comes across as a little awkward and insincere. It also forces the peanut gallery to raise the question, “does God really give a shit you won an Oscar?” Speaking of Messiahs …

5. Follow the Oscar Girl

The Oscar girl, typically a relative of some A-list celebrity, is primarily charged with directing the flow of confused presenters/winners who are blithely unaware of where to stand or exit. Do not forge your own path, do not travel down the path less taken, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. FOLLOW HER and get your ass of the stage.

I, of course, very much like Christopher Plummer already have my Oscar speech written on the off-hand chance I am nominated and win. That, my dear readers, is dedication.