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I’ve been meaning to do this bit for about 12 years and never quite found the time. Maybe you’ll contend that I shouldn’t have ever found it. But I’m doing it anyway, for a number of reasons.

First, because I have questions that maybe someone out there can answer. Second, because I have an irrational habit of heckling mascots in public which can’t come to a good end. But mainly, just because I’ve watched these beings my entire life, they’re much in evidence during basketball season, and there’s just some stuff I wanna get off my chest.

As a graphic design major in college at Ohio State, some of this will be devoted to updates of the mascot logos as well as the costumes themselves

Here they are then, my ranking of the Big Ten’s best (and worst) mascots, bottom to top:

14. Michigan (n/a)

I have never gotten a straight answer as to why. But there is no guy running around at games in a Wolvie the Wolverine suit. In my memory, there never has been.

The unnamed Wolverine

I actually wrote the following as speculation for the reason before I did a search: I’d guess most of the fanbase would consider it childish and beneath the University. Unbecoming of the brand. They’re too dignified at Michigan for mascots.

Maybe you won’t believe this, but here’s the school’s actual rationale, available on the U-of-M historical website:

“The Athletic Department has steadfastly maintained that such a symbol is unnecessary and undignified and would not properly reflect the spirit and values of Michigan athletics."

You gotta party with these people.

13. Indiana (n/a)

You know how when you’re a little kid and you latch onto a nonsensical meaning for a word you’ve never heard of? Well, when I was a kid, the local sportscaster used to call Indiana “the Hurryin’ Hoosiers.” I don’t know if they were ever actually called that in Bloomington. But for some reason, I began associating the term hoosier with hose. Like women’s socks? So, I always thought the Van Arsdale twins had some sort of special magical socks that made them go faster and jump higher like Keds or PF Flyers or Red Ball Jets.

It didn’t help that IU didn’t and doesn’t have a mascot. They tried a bison for a year or two (y’know, from the unforgettable state flag) but nobody liked it and so it was scrapped.

Who can forget the Indiana Bison? (1967)

So, how in hell is a little kid supposed to know what a Hoosier is? Do you know now? Of course, you don’t. Even the people who live in Indiana don’t. And if you’ve spent much time in Indiana, all of that begins to make sense.

12. Northwestern

If you asked 100 Big Ten fans to describe the Northwestern wildcat mascot or what his name is, you’d get a big zero – unless you happened to be in Chicago. Then you’d get a zero with a lot of delays – “Wait a minute, I think I know this. ... ...”

Willie Wildcat

I had to look him up. His name is Willie the Wildcat (no relation to Villanova’s Wil D. Cat). He looks nothing like the snarling wildcat on the Northwestern logo. This wildcat is not very fierce. If he was a cartoon character, he’d definitely be Hanna-Barbera – not at all biologically faithful to the species, totally non-threatening like Snagglepuss. Much like Chris Collins’ current team.

11. Ohio State

I find the latest incarnation of Brutus to be annoying as hell. And, as many of you know, I went to school at Ohio State. I guess it’s because he has this vacant stupid smile on his face all the time. Kinda like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. He creeps me out.

Brutus Buckeye

Plus, I used to like the old Brutus with the hard shell and the mouth that swiveled. Plus-plus, the new Brutus thought he was gonna sit in front of me on the corner of the court with the cheerleaders at the 2007 Final Four. His giant head was blocking an entire half of the court from my view. They tip off the game, he kneels in front of me and I actually yell out: “Hey, Brutus! Nuh-uh. Not happening." To which he responded with some contention – not Brutus but the guy playing Brutus. Thankfully, an arena security guard saw it my way and banished Brutus back to the photographers’ area. He was not happy. Not Brutus, but the guy playing Brutus.

Anyway, I’m still convinced 13 years later that there’s some 34-year-old ex-Brutus out there keeping an eye out for me, like Crazy Joe Davola. I probably won’t even know what hit me.

10. Rutgers

Henry the Scarlet Knight could not be less representative of New Jersey or most Rutgers fans. He has blue eyes. He’s always smiling. And he has a certain jaunty flair about him, a bit the swashbuckler. I think he’s just a little too dandy for a region where people argue about the best fried hotdogs.

Henry the Scarlet Knight

It’s unfair to judge Henry simply because his teams have lost so often. And I don’t believe he cares what anyone thinks about him anyway. He’s been through several 12-step programs and he won’t allow your judgment to define him!

9. Penn State

It looks like a bear. Hell, it is a bear. My wife and her friend Denise even heard some Jersey chick at a PSU @ Rutgers football game years ago point at The Lion and say to her hubby, “Look at da beah.”

It’s like something your drunk college buddy came up with because he didn’t have anything for Halloween and his girlfriend knew someone who used a bear costume in a stage play. I mean, at least fill out the body so it looks like a big cat and not some guy walking around on campus at 1:30 a.m.

The Lion

The only saving grace I can think of about The Lion mascot is that Penn State has had some really athletic and sometimes funny students get in that costume. Plus, you have to have a certain roll-with-it mentality when you agree to be passed up through an entire section of drunken students. All credit to the guys playing the bear.

8. Purdue

Purdue Pete is a pretty strange looking dude. Why he has that potato head, I’m not really sure. I mean, guys who made train boilers didn’t all have potato heads, right? It’s the sort of gross exaggeration in a mascot that causes small children to have nightmares. Especially carrying that sledgehammer with the glassy expression on his face.

Purdue Pete

But I do love the whole railroad motif. Always loved trains as a kid. Just wondered why the mascot had to be so literal. Like an assembly line laborer is not really something that lends itself to the imagination. Why not a Kacy Jones-type engineer (Purdue’s a huge engineering school, so see, it’s kind of a play on words) or a Thomas the Tank Engine character? I guess the Boilermaker Special is that. But it doesn’t have a face! Let’s get this done. Pete is disturbing.

7. Nebraska

Herbie Husker used to have denim overalls with an ear of corn in one pocket. But after a while, some group who took lots of meetings at UNL decided that appearance was degrading toward the state’s agricultural community. So, they “updated” Herbie in a plain red shirt and simple blue jeans to go with his red cowboy hat. Because, y’know, all Nebraska corn farmers wear red cowboy hats. They soon after gave him an inflatable 9-year-old boy mascot with his hat on backwards named Lil’ Red.

Herbie Husker

Hey, anything’s better than the frightening sight of the thing they had running around on the sideline back in the 1950s. He was called Corncob Man and he was half a cob stuck on the body of a man. Good Lord, take the kids back to the car.

6. Minnesota

I remember one time at Big Ten basketball media day when everything was pretty much over with and we’re all clearing out of some giant hotel conference room in Chicago. I saw Goldy across a long hallway and just blurted out: “Hey! Hey, gopher!”

Goldy Gopher

Goldy looked over, bright eyed and toothy and smiley as always. At which point I said dismissively: “Hit the road, man.” Goldy took immediate offense, came over and picked me off my feet. He could’ve stuffed me into a trash can the way Bob Knight did that LSU fan. But he was a friendly gopher. Anyway, I’m not doing that again without an escape route. I can’t outrun a mascot anymore.

5. Iowa

I like Herky the Hawk (short for Hercules) a lot. I remember a giant menacing drawing of Herky in flight at one end of the creaky old Iowa Field House, the arena the basketball teams used before Carver Hawkeye Arena was finished in 1983. He looked like a mascot is supposed to look – mean. Ready to land on you, pick you up, fly away and pull you apart for the little hawks in the nest.

Herky Hawk

They redid the mascot a few years back and gave him teeth, all the better to connote a determined scowl. But, see, birds don’t have teeth. Isn’t a hooked raptor beak scary enough? (cc: Louisville Cardinal.)

4. Illinois

I’m ranking here a mascot who technically no longer exists. They don’t really have a mascot at Illinois anymore since the banishment of Chief Illiniwek. For those not familiar, the Chief was retired in 2007 after being deemed an abusive symbol to Native Americans. Among other ceremonies, a UI student used to get done up in headdress and warpaint and do all this dance mumbo-jumbo at center court of basketball games and at Memorial Stadium, similar to what’s still done at Florida State. Not a fan of that stuff, so no loss there.

Apparently, they tried to submit a new mascot to the student body – the Alma Otter (get it?) – but it didn’t pass in a vote last spring.

Chief Illiniwek

So, I had no problem with the banishment of the Chief except that I loved the Illinois logo that went with him. To me, it was a dignified and artistically beautiful symbol. One of my most prized possessions back in the ‘90s was an Illinois hoodie with a giant embroidered Chief logo on the back. Like an idiot, I gave it away when we moved. That thing would be an heirloom now in Champaign.

3. Michigan State

Sparty is everything a mascot should be. Fighting attitude. Always in a chippy mood, but maybe you’d be able to talk him out of a fight if you bought him a beer. But unlike his cousin Henry from Rutgers, he’s all business, not such a flamboyant dresser.

Sparty

It’s not going to help Sparty’s reputation that last spring, Michigan State announced that he will no longer be allowed to participate in parades. Because the costume, full of padding to create all of the Spartan’s muscle, gets too sultry inside and could cause heat stroke, MSU administrators feared. University suits are always seeing the big picture for welfare of students, y’know.

I imagine that, before they went out to battle, the ancient Spartans were also forewarned about the possibility of heat stroke.

2. Maryland

Fear the Turtle. Hilarious, right? Have you ever messed with a Chesapeake Bay diamondback? Don’t. I was trying to move one off a highway down on the Eastern Shore visiting relatives once many years ago and the thing hissed and jerked in my hands so violently that I put him down and agreed, “OK, you stay here and take your time.” They say these things are able to remove feet or hands with one bite, and I wasn’t testing the theory.

Testudo, the mascot, doesn’t look like one of those guys. He’s got a nice face. His shell looks like leather off a beanbag chair. But he’s stylish. And who else has a turtle for a mascot?

Testudo

Apparently, the real Testudo was a turtle from the 1930s who eventually died and they made a statue of him. According to UMD lore, when a virgin graduates from the university, Testudo leaves his pedestal and flies around the quad. So far as anyone has seen, he has never flown.

1. Wisconsin

I don’t see how you can top Bucky Badger. That walk in the logo. Strutting like he’s King S--- on Campus. Wears vertical stripes which are flattering and slimming and always a good choice for stout, hairy guys.

Bucky Badger

I’m old enough to remember when Wisconsin lost at pretty much everything. Not until the early ‘90s did that turn around. But Bucky was cool when being a Badger wasn’t. And that went back a long ways.

And he’s been pretty much the same for the past 50 years, never changing much. When you have a mascot who knows he’s The Boss, you don’t mess with him.

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