CANADA'S broadcasting regulator takes its job seriously. One of its tasks is fending off American cultural domination by enforcing a requirement that radio stations and television channels air a set amount of Canadian content. That requirement apparently extends to pornography. On March 5th the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) advised three adult-entertainment channels that it suspected they were not meeting the minimum requirement of 35% Canadian content, nor providing subtitles for the requisite 90% of their programmes. Commentators were quick to suggest ways that AOV Adult Movie Channel, AOV XXX Action Clips and AOV Maleflixxx could remedy the situation. The printable suggestions range from filming productions in Dildo, Newfoundland or Climax, Saskatchewan, to changing the names of popular Canadian shows such as The Friendly Giant and Hockey Night in Canada to The Overly Friendly Giant and Hickey Night in Canada. More than a few pointed to the potential of basing new programmes on the Group of Seven, Canadian landscape artists active in the 1920s and 1930s, or on the quip by the late author Pierre Berton that a Canadian was someone “who knew how to make love in a canoe”.

That won’t keep the regulator satisfied: the CRTC uses a point system for assessing whether a live-action production is actually Canadian. Having a Canadian director or screenwriter is worth two points, while a Canadian first or second lead performer, director of photography, art director, music composer or picture editor is worth one point. Officials are wise to the wheeze of giving a Canadian credit for work performed by a foreigner: they follow the money and scrupulously examine how much individuals are paid. Without looking at the financial statements, it’s impossible to say whether “Canadian Quickies” and “Jungle Beaver”, two programmes on the March 10th schedule for AOV movie channel, meet requirements.

The people behind Channel Zero, which owns the three adult-entertainment channels, are bound not to find the attention as funny. They also own a mainstream television station, CHCH Ontario, whose programmes include Tiny Talent Time, a show in which ambitious tots tap-dance or perform their way to local fame. Channel Zero’s main website does not even hint at their less salubrious fare. They or their legal representatives will have to defend the Canadian content of their erotica at an April 28th hearing. Unlike many CRTC meetings, it is likely to be standing-room only.