I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to write about this, but I think everyone will be able to relate, whether you’re a server or not.

Nobody likes to be held up at work. When it’s closing time, all you want to do is go home! But that doesn’t stop people from giving you more work to do five minutes before you’re supposed to leave. Whether it’s by your boss or an inconsiderate customer, it’s happened to everyone.

I used to hate this when I worked in retail. The register would be counted, the floors would be swept and all of the merchandise would be straightened on the shelves. But it never failed. There would always be one last customer who would roll in five or ten minutes before we closed and would have to poke around.

The problem with those people is that they never just come in quietly and leave. They have to touch everything. They have to try everything on. They rarely buy anything and they always stay for at least 15 minutes.

Then I, as the floor associate, have to go back and re-straighten what you messed up.

Yeah. I get that you “still had five minutes” when you walked into the store, but now we’re closed, and have been for the last 15 minutes. I’ve been here for eight hours and I just want to go home. So get the fuck out.

People do the same thing at restaurants. They roll in late and act like it’s no big deal.

My rule is, if I have 30 minutes or less before a restaurant closes, I won’t even go in, because even though they’re still open when I sit down, chances are they’ll be closed when I leave.

The worst thing you can do is come in late and be a total prick. Like my last table yesterday evening.

They came in 30 minutes before we closed, which was not ideal, but I needed the money so I wasn’t terribly upset… that is until I greeted the table.

The dude (whom I will be referring to as “Tweedlefuck”) was already half drunk. He started asking me ridiculous questions, laughing hysterically after I answered each one. He stated that he wanted an appetizer, but he never ordered one. He asked me “what on the menu is good?” and after my recommendations, ordered a sirloin (which was not, as you can imagine, one of my recommendations).

By the time they were done eating it was about 5 minutes after close. Out of obligation I asked if they’d like dessert, praying to God that they’d say no.

In a loud voice, Tweedlefuck points to his date and exclaims, “I don’t want anything, but she does!” and bursts into raucous laughter.

Now, at a lot of places, when the restaurant is closed, that means that the kitchen is closed too, even to people who are still in the dining room. But not us. If you want something else, we’ll make it for you.

So they ordered dessert and this time they actually took my recommendation. I suggested that they get something that didn’t require much preparation because I knew if I sent back something too complicated to the kitchen, the cooks would pitch a bitch.

By the time my table was finished with dessert it was 3o minutes past closing time. There was no one left in the restaurant. Tables were set for the next day, TVs were off, chairs at the bar had been put up and all of my other work was done.

Finally they paid. The bill was $50 and change. Tweedlefuck handed me $60 and when I asked “Ready for change?” he responded, “yes.”

Fuck my life.

The correct response would have been, “Nope! Keep the change!” But that would have been entirely too easy.

So I quickly made change, returned it to the table and sent them on their merry way. They finally left about ten minutes later and in the check presenter they had taken out the five-dollar bill and left me four singles.

Awesome.

I also noticed something else. The salt and pepper shakers off of the table were missing.

Really? REALLY???

You come in 30 minutes before we close, are overwhelmingly annoying, stay 40 minutes after we’ve closed, leave me a shitty tip and then steal our salt and pepper shakers???

Dick!