Every day, new parents across the country are confronted with the question of whether to circumcise their infant sons. Here are the strongest arguments for and against circumcision:

FOR

Penis tans more evenly

Kid already European enough as it is

Never have to wash genitals

Lots of really cute cuts available these days

Frames the balls better

Baby will probably have some leftover painkillers

Not our penis we’re talking about here

AGAINST

Penis loses value once removed from original packaging

Get to describe baby as “my fully intact son”

Mohel looks like he’s had about eight cups of coffee

Probably have to do some paperwork

Not performing circumcision immediately after birth allows parents to hold it threateningly over son’s head for rest of life

Traditional family gathering just as enjoyable without foreskin

Some individuals wary of having someone cut off a piece of their penis with a knife