You've heard all those Muni horror stories, but nothing quite compares to the account of a 32-year-old Berkeley woman who suspects a deranged man followed her off a bus and stole her teeth.

Elena Aronson says she was riding a Muni bus to work back on April 6 on Van Ness Avenue when a man sitting next to her fixed his gaze on her teeth, and said, "I want them."

"He kept saying how my teeth were beautiful, like the moon and the stars," she recalled.

Aronson, who grew up riding buses on the South Side of Chicago and later in New York, had never encountered anything quite like it. She decided to make a quick exit.

The next thing Aronson recalls is being on her knees outside the bus, bleeding profusely from her torn lip - with her two upper front teeth missing.

As a crowd gathered around her, a man scooped her off the pavement and drove her to a hospital, where she spent the next two days recovering.

Police took a report, but it was weeks before her memory returned. Even now, she doesn't remember the man following her off the bus or being hit. And no witnesses came forward to tell police about it.

As a result, the police weren't sure exactly what had happened. When Aronson met with a police investigator a month later, she says, "He basically laughed me out of the office."

As for Muni, spokesman Judson True said that because the incident happened off the bus, "We wouldn't have known about it." Nor was he aware of any request from police for Muni surveillance video that might have shown Aronson being followed off the bus.

Added insult: Despite having health insurance, Aronson says she was saddled with more than $11,500 in hospital and medical bills - including the $4,500 it cost for her replacement teeth.

Aronson went to the district attorney's victim assistance program for help, but she says they turned her down, citing a lack of evidence.

Aronson finally called us for help. We spoke to the police investigator, Inspector Ray Luk, who said he didn't doubt Aronson's story - but he also wasn't hopeful about catching the tooth bandit, much less prosecuting anyone for the crime.

"She thinks this is what happened to her, but we can't really go to court based on what she thinks happened," he said.

And even if the cops found a Muni video showing someone following her off the bus, it wouldn't prove that a crime had happened.

Nonetheless, our call must have gotten the department's attention. Luk has since been in regular contact with Aronson, she says, and just days ago - seven months after the incident - a police sketch artist helped her come up with what she considers a dead-on image of the man who liked her teeth.

Aronson says she's under no illusion that the sketch will lead to the arrest of the man she believes attacked her, but at least now police have a picture of him if he strikes again.

And now - with completed police paperwork describing her as the victim of an aggravated assault - Aronson is appealing the decision to deny her victims assistance.

"It feels amazing to be treated as I'm supposed to be treated," she said.

Hot seat: Publicly, state Democrats are raising questions about the nomination of GOP state Sen. Abel Maldonado to replace Rep. John Garamendi as lieutenant governor because it means spending $2 million for a special election to fill his Senate seat.

Privately, however, Dems tell us their real fear is that they won't be able to get a big enough turnout in a special election for a Democrat to win the district, which runs all the way from Los Gatos to San Luis Obispo.

No O in A's: Talk about playing the Grinch.

The Oakland A's have just announced their "2009 A's Holiday Caravan" lineup - four days of meet and greets with players and the team's mascot at hospitals, holiday parades and malls - with not a single one of the events taking place in the team's hometown.

The schedule of the caravan's stops from Dec. 3 to Dec. 6 shows outfielder Rajai Davis, pitcher Brad Ziegler and team mascot Stomper are headed to Walnut Creek, San Ramon, Emeryville and Pleasanton.

The big finale: Three appearances in San Jose, including taking part in the San Jose Holiday Parade.

Get the hint?

For the record, a team rep says there was no slight of Oakland intended - but there's also no plan to add an Oakland event.

EXTRA! Catch our blog at www.sfgate.com/matierandross.