Proton Horrified to Learn It’s a Part of Trump’s "Tower"

Feb 06, 2018

A proton inside of a carbon element is having an existential crisis lately.

“How?” muttered the distraught proton, who along with 5 others form a carbon element inside of a collective of molecules and cells that make up Trump’s Patriotic Flag Post. “Over the years we’ve advanced so far as a society. We’ve invented so many things. One of us even invented a telescope.”

It was that very telescope that lead to a shocking revelation about the nature of reality and life as they know it.

“Through the telescope,” continued the visibly shaking proton, “we saw him looking at us in the mirror, examining himself as we examined him. It was quite an Enlightenment to say the least. I discovered that the entire universe revolves around me. Here I thought it was the other way around. Blasphemous!”

As a result, this Yankee Doodle has not been so Dandy. The proton has been feeling limp as of late, caught in a situation it cannot escape from, figuring out how it can continue to spin now that it knows its place and purpose.

“What are the odds? Is this bad Karma? Did I do something wrong in a past life? I’m beginning to think my life here in the Freedom Fry is actually more a Penal Colony.”

At first glance, it might not seem not such a bad fate: rich, famous, powerful, plenty of visiting heads of states, lots of beautiful mistresses and porn stars, constant hands-on attention day in and out.

“But it’s so stinky in here,” bawled the proton, whose position inside the White House happens to be right near the edge of its Gospel-pipe. “It reeks of death until suddenly I feel another surge of life and then I swear I’m going to lose it. I used to be part of the claw of a dinosaur for God sakes! I once formed a beautiful diamond! Why me now? Why!”

It was then our interview abruptly stopped, as Trump needed to part ways to use the restroom.