

If you are easily offended, maybe you had better go BACK!!! STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART and you know all the words. BEER AND NATURAL SELECTION A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances, and co-workers that might be in danger of losing their edge. BEER QUOTES Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

---Michelle Mastrolacasa Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

---Catherine Zandonella One more drink and I'd be under the host.

---Dorothy Parker Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

---Ambrose Bierce The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

---William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

---Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

---Ernest Hemingway Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

---Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

---His reply Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

---Winston Churchill Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

---Oscar Wilde I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

---W.C. Fields A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

---W.C. Fields What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

---W.C. Fields When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

---Henny Youngman The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

---Humphrey Bogart I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

---Frank Sinatra You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but, at the very least you need a beer.

---Frank Zappa Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

---David Moulton All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

---Dave Barry When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

---Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

---Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

---Dave Barry My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.

---A Wolverine is Eating My Leg Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.

--- Ross Levy 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

---Stephen Wright If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

---Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

---Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.

---David Geary I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

---Tom Waits A drink a day keeps the shrink away.

---Edward Abbey If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

---David Daye When we drink, we get drunk.

When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

---Brian O'Rourke If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing... Draft beer, not people! Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore Beer: Nature's laxative. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder. DRUNK AGAIN? Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I!" "And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again." GREAT BARS An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replied the Pole, "but it happened to my sister!" THE PSYCHOLOGY OF WOMEN & DRINKING Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky and annoying pain in the ass Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older with picky taste and knows what she wants Your Approach: You won't have to approach her ... she'll send YOU a drink Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel ... see below) Personality: Conservative, classy, and sophisticated Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years ... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated but actually has no clue Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint ... nothing to do but wait JESUS IS BETTER THAN BEER? When Christian students at Texas A&M University donned pro-abstinence t-shirts bearing the legend "Top 10 Reasons Jesus is Better Than Beer", Steve Berry of Texas A&M's Agnostic and Atheist Student Group knew how to respond: Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Christianity No one will kill you for not drinking beer. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. Beer has never caused a major war. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of beer. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second beer. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you. You can prove you have a beer. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you FDA ALCOHOL WARNINGS The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. BEER SPITTERS Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer." When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!" | Return to Home Page | | Return to "Things to Read" |