TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I always love when October comes around because I get to snuggle up in my warm, cozy singlet and utterly annihilate a couple close challengers,” said Cena while removing his favorite V-cut wrestling uniform from the moth ball-filled chest before pressing his nose against it and fondly recalling the unforgettable kick-outs and stepover toehold facelocks from AutumnSlams past. “Really, what’s better than going up to New England as the leaves start to change and jumping off the ropes with a fist drop to your opponent’s head? Man, I’m getting excited just thinking about the warm apple cider mist Triple H always spits out after entering the ring.” At press time, sources confirmed Cena was quietly humming while stringing the new laces for his wool-lined, duck-toed wrestling boots.

Advertisement