By Urban Anomie

CALGARY, AB — Video games are getting more bad rep this week, after a senior official with the Calgary Police Service blamed them for a recent violent incident that took place in the city.

The perpetrator — who is only five years old and was last seen wearing jean coveralls and a red shirt — is reported to have jumped on the head of his six-year old classmate after allegedly claiming, “he tried to steal all the stars.”

The incident began shortly after naptime on Monday afternoon in room 9 at Dire Docks Elementary School in the N.W., when kindergarten students were assigned to one of six activity centres, which rotate on 15-minute intervals. From the water table station, classmate Koop Wannamaker says he witnessed the incident in its entirety.

“One of the kids walked over to the class turtle at my station, and whispered to it, ‘where is she, you son of a bitch?’” That’s when things escalated. “The kid ran back towards his station at the sandbox, climbed on a desk and jumped on the other kid’s head,” says Wannamaker, wiping a tear from his eye as he recalled the traumatic incident.

The perpetrator, whose name can’t be published under to the Young Offender’s Act, is said to be an avid video gamer.

“We play Mario Kart every day at recess and lunch on our 3DS’,” said best friend, Dom Waluigi. “I often wonder if he even knows when we’re not playing these games; sometimes he’ll throw something—anything!—at my head when we’re walking out to recess, before running ahead of me yelling, ‘eat shit and die, sucka’!’”

Staff at Dire Docks Elementary School say the perpetrator has been acting strangely for weeks, but noted his behaviour was never considered dangerous or threatening.

“I’ve noticed he’s spent an awful lot of time fiddling with the drains and pipes in the school,” says Susan Bowser, Vice Principal. “We’ve all noticed it, but none of us know what he’s up to. He’s so secretive . . . he hardly talks.”

Even kindergarten teacher, Ms. Daisy, says she’s noticed some odd behaviour from her student. “He’s always had a strange fascination with coins. Whenever he found one, he’d jump up and fist-pump the air, yelling ‘wahoo!’” Ms. Daisy says she thought it was kind of cute, and certainly never thought anything sinister was going on in the child’s mind.

Calgary Police inspector Wett Harvey commented on the incident, stating, “we’ve seen incidents like this before. Kids play these games that are meant for adults, and they mimic the violence being impressed upon them. Children of this age shouldn’t play these kind of games, but often times they’re played outside of their parents’ knowledge. We need to look at what we can do to stop this, and if that includes banning video games and fun, then that’s a course of action we might pursue.”

In response to the incident, Nintendo put out a press release stating, “Our sincere sympathies to the student who was jumped on, and his family.” But the company quickly followed-up with, “We have some of the most robust parental control guidelines in the industry, but to say that video games are responsible for a kid who talks to turtles, spends all days chasing coins, and has a history of trying to get into the sewers, is complete and utter yoshi shit.”

While this seems to be an isolated and exceptional case, the debate has gone on for years over whether video games cause violent tendencies in children. While it is important to note that there has not yet been any conclusive evidence to suggest that this is the case here, some asshole politician or journalist will probably take this article seriously.

This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only.