Jon Stewart issued a sardonic apology on Thursday from the U.S. to the 45 countries who have been identified as targets of surveillance by the National Security Agency, taking on the role of a faux-apologist for the agency’s spying programs.

“You want an apology? Fine. We’re sorry,” Stewart said, before adding, “that you forgot that we’re kind of d*cks.”

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Pointing to a “camera” over his desk, Stewart argued that for the U.S. to tap German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s mobile phone was relatively small potatoes.

“If it makes you feel any better, our government isn’t doing anything to you that they’re not doing to us,” Stewart said. “They’re spying on our studio, and I’m literally saying that into a camera that’s going to broadcast that. It seems kind of redundant.”

Besides, he argued, these types of dealings were par for the course with the U.S.

“Have you met us?” Stewart asked. “Meddling in your affairs for our national self-interest is kind of our thing. What part of, ‘Everything we’ve done since the Monroe Doctrine’ don’t you get?”

Stewart also knocked nations like Pakistan, Germany and France for complaining about the U.S.’ activities given their own dirty laundry.

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“Do I really have to justify myself to a country that invaded Poland because they thought Poland was looking at them funny?” Stewart demanded of Germany. “So get over it — or better yet, turn that frown upside down. Don’t think of us as an overly aggressive, paranoid superpower; think of us as what anyone’s looking for in a partner: a good listener. A great listener. The best listener in the history of the world.”

Watch Stewart “defend” the NSA in a video posted online by Comedy Central: