This article attempts to tease out how growth happens, and then identify some ways that Focusing facilitates this kind of growth. I have sought to keep the language as simple and free from theoretical lingo as possible. The fields of human development and Focusing are both huge and complex each in their own right, which can be confusing. I think it will be useful to make things as concrete as possible, and so I invite you to this small excursion to get a taste of what the two fields entail and can contribute to each other.

Having said that, here is some theoretical lingo (just a bit, and then I’ll explore an example):

Development means differentiation and integration

A well-known general way of describing how growth happens originates from Robert Kegan, and describes a process where “subject becomes object.”

This, in a way, simply means increased self-awareness, becoming aware of things about yourself that you weren’t aware of before. That is perhaps a deceptively simple way of putting it though, because what growth actually entails is a shift in your sense of self, which is pretty profound.

Growth happens when what is unquestioned, and implicitly experienced as “me,” becomes a something (an “object”) that we are aware of, can look at, and reflect upon. What then needs to happen, is a process of integration, where what was differentiated as object becomes re-included in a more mature, conscious and healthy manner.

First, something is differentiated (made object) then it is integrated. It is transcended (no longer limiting me) and included (not split off, judged or repressed).

But what does that mean? What would it look like?

In the following I’ll describe an example of the type of process and practice that people may employ in order to have such shifts in perspective happen.

John’s story

This is where we look at the example of “John’s” self esteem issues. First we’ll have a brief snapshot look at John before and after his growth has taken place:

Pre-growth

John’s behavior can sometimes be frustrating, both for himself and his friends. He can become very angry for seemingly very minor things. For example, after a day of hiking with his friend Sean, they are returning tired and happy back to the city. Sean offers to buy John dinner. John tenses up, looks away and rejects his friend’s offer abruptly. He’s very angry, and Sean can’t understand why. For Sean, it’s simply a friendly gesture, and no big deal. For John, however it’s an obvious insult: “How dare he belittle me? Does he think I can’t pay for my own food?”

Post-growth

A year later, a similar situation occurs, but this time John graciously accepts, and even though he is aware of some of the old emotions, they are merely in the background. He’s able to enjoy good times with his friends.

What has happened? The short answer is that John has become aware of the reasons for his earlier misinterpretation. Being aware of them, he’s no longer owned by them, and so he naturally is much more able to enjoy his life.

Prior to being aware of what’s behind his anger, he simply reacts. When he’s aware of it, he sees things more clearly and acts more maturely.

The growth process fleshed out

Pre-growth, John is aware that the emotion anger is there, but he’s unaware of the more subtle experiences, assumptions, and beliefs that underlie that feeling. In his reality, it is about them doing something to him, and he is a victim of this perceived maliciousness. “They have insulted me.” Period.

The growth process might have gone something like this:

First increase in awareness:

Seeing behavioral patterns and taking responsibility for them

John first became aware of his own behavioral pattern. He started noticing that he sometimes reacted with anger when he felt like his position in the group was threatened. What previously simply was his unquestioned way of being in the world (subject) has become an object in his awareness, something he can explore.

And, crucially, he’s starting to take responsibility for it. It’s not about other people victimizing him; he’s getting that on some level he is actually doing it to himself.

This taking responsibility enables his self-exploration to unfold even more:

Second increase in awareness:

Uncovering background feelings and beliefs

Examining his experience in such situations, he becomes aware of a tendency to feel small and weak. He notices how that feels in his body. At first this is easiest when he is alone in contemplation, and later he is able to spot it as it happens in his life.

He can feel it like a sort of sadness behind his eyes, and a searching or grasping sense of helplessness in his belly. It is very subtle, and yet clearly there. Actually it is very familiar. It used to be who he thought he was: a small and weak person.

So again he has made explicit something that previously was implicit. He wasn’t aware that he was feeling small, but simply acted (and compensated) from that place. Now he knows that he feels this way, and as a consequence of this awareness, automatically acts and feels differently.

His subject (or an aspect of it) has become object again, this time in terms of his bodily felt experience. He has also uncovered the closely connected hidden belief of being small and weak.

Third increase in awareness:

Uncovering needs and wants

John can now understand more of his behavior. He gets that this sense of smallness feels vulnerable, and that he has the need for the opposite: to feel big, powerful and strong.

Where before he felt like others should change their behavior, he now sees that it is up to him to access his sense of being powerful and competent. This in its turn actually makes him more powerful, as he realizes it is within his power to do so.

And come to think of it, he also realizes that he already is strong. He has created a lot of great circumstances in his life (his education, job and relationships) and generally handles himself competently. He sees that these feelings of smallness are remains from his childhood, and not really who he is as an adult.

Now he can meet his old blustering self with much more compassion. He sees that it really makes sense that he would compensate in this way, when this part of him felt so vulnerable. From its point of view it seemed like others threatened his need to access his power! And that power is important; something needed to take care of his boundaries, and to go for what he wants in life. There was a positive intention and (albeit twisted) logic behind those seemingly random and irrational outbursts.

John has now transcended his immature reactions, and he is not judging or trying to repress them. The reactions are included, i.e. understood and met with compassion. They are allowed to be there, even if they are no longer allowed to run the show.

And a crucial reason why this feels possible for John, is that he can now access what these reactions were (innocently) trying to conjure up: his power.

Now, extend this sort of inquiry and insight into John’s life at large, and soon he’s operating from a different level on a general basis.