One last time, Neil. I'm supposed tosomehow with this man? Aaron meets with a man outside of the Luxor hotel and begins a one-sided conversation. Another Neil Breen staple — dialogue scenes are shot individually. For all I know, the guy Aaron met with sprinted down the fucking block while he blankly recites his lines. Anyway, he tells the dude that he's glad to be working for the "agency" again (Century 21?) but is remiss to meet him in his office because heit's bugged as well as the "skeletons that are in there". Does he work in a Draugr crypt ? Now, it's the man's turn to speak while Aaron drifts off into oblivion. He tells Aaron that they haven't located "him" yet but they know he's near. This mystery man is "on the top of their list" and "he" will kill "anyone, anywhere" to advance his terrorist goals. Uh, I think the guy you're looking for is standing right in front of you. To stress how important this mission is, he drops this atom bomb:

"A real estate agent put me in his what? Call my lawyer."





Is this a thing in Vegas? Do geriatrics wander off into the desert to lounge on rocks like it's one big IKEA store? Brand claims to be the spirit of the departed geezer and pleads his case to the eagle. Neil, he's just as baffled as we are.

"...and that's why some adults pay for companionship."





His dead girlfriend tells him to pull the reigns back on that whole "I can heal anyone" jive.

Aaron is fast at work mimicking a competent person who knows what the fuck they're doing. He notifies someone over the phone that the filters are active. More stock footage gives the appearance that people give a shit. Somewhere, a transaction takes place as one unidentified individual receives what looks like a kilo of cocaine. The clumsy shit drops it on the ground releasing some of its powdery content. As the hand goes to pick it up, suddenly Aaron's voice breaks in like he's doing color commentary at a sporting event and tells the mystery person that airborne anthrax is lethal if inhaled. Who the fuck would be dumb enough to transport anthrax around like it's a prop from a Cheech & Chong movie?

I'm really struggling here. This fucking mess wanders in more directions than a blind drunk with dementia. Aaron meets with two men in the parking lot of a strip mall when he directs them to walk further away for fear of surveillance. Just as they do that the world's most obvious spy (typical woman) places a tracer on Brand's car by slamming her shopping cart into it. The results are pure brilliance:





Where did it go? I can barely see it!





Yeah, that's goddamn chewing gum. Another super spy (women, amiright?) hangs out of the window of her car recording the whole thing with a large camera like she's Stanley Kubrick. One of the gentlemen seems interested in Aaron's "quest" and wants to know more about this quest and won't stop saying quest until his quest for knowledge is satiated. Brand brushes this aside and gets to what really matters — his list of otherworldly skills he can offer:

Cryptography

Hacking into a banking system

Shutting down a power grid in a major city (Sorry, villages and townships)

(Sorry, villages and townships) Cutting off the water system for half the country

Hacking the stock market

Closing down a bank

Fixing an election (Goddamn you Bush!) This is Brand's version of "network-centric warfare". Sadly, all that is required of him is an assassination. How can you waste this man's talent you insolent asshole! The target, like the plot for this film, is undefined. Aaron and the gentlemen return to their vehicles when the woman recording the meeting is shot in the temple. Nobody notices even though she was shot only a few feet away. Brand pulls into an empty lot and removes the gum tracking device from his bumper. This is Brand's version of "network-centric warfare". Sadly, all that is required of him is an assassination. How can you waste this man's talent you insolent asshole! The target, like the plot for this film, is undefined. Aaron and the gentlemen return to their vehicles when the woman recording the meeting is shot in the temple. Nobody notices even though she was shot only a few feet away. Brand pulls into an empty lot and removes thetracking device from his bumper.

For the sake of my sanity, I'm going to give you the cliff notes version of this fucking travesty.

The "greatest agent ever" kidnaps the wrong couple whom he was supposed to kill. When he finds his actual target at the lake they both chose instead to commit suicide because "they knew what was coming". Seriously, Neil?

He releases the anthrax: Hires special agent hooker (who demands his massive cock afterwards) for a whopping $100 to distract a man with the most fake goatee in the universe so he can tranquilize him. Agent Floozy is shot in the head as thanks. "So, this guy is like ... Just keep it on and get in the car!" Arranges a buy with anthrax dealers so he can give the appearance that he's on their side. His contacts are killed while the agents get to be the hero. Our friend from earlier has the lowdown on Super God Power Being Excalibur: The double life he's leading has mentally drained him. His dead fiancee's reply: "I need ... to believe ... something ... extraordinary ... is possible." Aaron is finally ready to carry out his attack on Vegas as well as several other cities. Suddenly, he's out in the desert having a bloody shootout with absolutely no one. You didn't misread that. There isn't a single person onscreen except for some rifles positioned on rock and here comes Yosemite Sam with his cartoonish gunfire sound effect, blasting away at imaginary foes. After emerging victorious from his single-man battle, he dons this patriotic ensemble:



"Just pin that medal on my 80's Gap jacket, General."

Do I even have to mention that he's been awarded every medal? He lists them in case you were wondering. What about the Presidential Narcissism Award for most padded resume? He can create an EMP that can... Fuck it. I'm done. After at bunch of unnecessary bullshit that is heaped on to this pile of hot garbage he decides to stop his own attack. I cannot properly describe what transpires so here is the scene in its entirety: Aaron is finally ready to carry out his attack on Vegas as well as several other cities. Suddenly, he's out in the desert having a bloody shootout with absolutely no one. You didn't misread that. There isn't a single person onscreen except for some rifles positioned on rock and here comes Yosemite Sam with his cartoonish gunfire sound effect, blasting away at imaginary foes. After emerging victorious from his single-man battle, he dons this patriotic ensemble:After at bunch of unnecessary bullshit that is heaped on to this pile of hot garbage he decides to stop his own attack. I cannot properly describe what transpires so here is the scene in its entirety:



The Room is a piece of shit but it's a piece of shit that has made him semi-famous. You fling your crap at the wall, call it art and have the gall to get on your high horse when anyone disparages it! You are the most talentless, narcissistic, jeremiad in film history! You make Ed Wood look like Christopher Nolan. I can give a camera to the fucking bums on Lower Wacker and they could come up with something more coherent than this psuedo-metaphysical one-man-circlejerk! Do the world a favor and take whatever money you put aside fleecing the imbeciles that reside in the Vegas housing market and go and see a psychologist. Tell them that you are a homely man with too much money and you use it to edit patchwork clips together to make desperate woman pretend to find you attractive. Oh, I see someone has touched on that subject I Am Here...Now and Fateful Findings it's clear that these are merely vehicles for you to showcase your massive ego and lack of understanding of even the basics of film making. For the sake of us both, please return to your day job. If you, the reader, have never watched a single second of this movie except for the clip above you have exactly the same amount of clarity as to what the hell is going on as I do. Those guys shooting at each other? No fucking clue! The procedures used to actually stop the attack? I didn't see any, did you? All it took was a phone call and some old fuckers telling the wind to go to Code Orange? Fuck you Breen you fucking lazy hack! Even Tommy Wiseau is aware thatis a piece of shit but it's a piece of shit that has made him semi-famous. You fling your crap at the wall, call it art and have the gall to get on your high horse when anyone disparages it! You are the most talentless, narcissistic, jeremiad in film history! You make Ed Wood look like Christopher Nolan. I can give a camera to the fucking bums on Lower Wacker and they could come up with something more coherent than this psuedo-metaphysical one-man-circlejerk! Do the world a favor and take whatever money you put aside fleecing the imbeciles that reside in the Vegas housing market and go and see a psychologist. Tell them that you are a homely man with too much money and you use it to edit patchwork clips together to make desperate woman pretend to find you attractive. Oh, I see someone has touched on that subject here ! Judging by the other abominations you've captured on film,andit's clear that these are merely vehicles for you to showcase your massive ego and lack of understanding of even the basics of film making. For the sake of us both, please return to your day job.









Jeezus, did this guy just arrive off a fucking bus? "Excuse me sir, my name is Neil. Can you act a scene out with me real quick?" Agent Holier-Than-Thou takes this time to speechify to anyone in particular the merits of chemical-biological warfare over more mainstream methods of terrorism. There is nothing covert about this bloviating windbag. General Brand pontificates further on modern warfare as if this poor dope is a West Point cadet. The lesson over, Aaron walks away as his voice over questions the effectiveness of terrorist counterintelligence, leaving the audience clueless as to what exactly his mission is. Is the agency not aware that Brand is the terrorist? Perhaps Neil, you should have spent a little more time fleshing out the plot instead of useless exterior shots of Las Vegas and the hybrid blow-up fuck dolls that occupy it. Just a thought.The next morning he wakes from his roadside nap, taps a few keys on a dead laptop, flips open a phone that never rang and receives his gps directions. Brand(emphasis his) for the "attack diversions" which he has begun in the "other cities". Whose fucking attack are you attempting to thwart? The only cocksucker that has been planning a biological terrorist outbreak for the last half hour is you! Holy fuck dude, do you even know where this is going because I certainly don't? He prowls the desert with both hands around a gun when he spots an old man settled in a rock. Brand's voice over expresses that the man doesn't look like a terrorist. So, youlooking for another bio-terrorist then? I've never been more confused about something so fucking simple to disclose to the audience. He sneaks up behind him when the old man attempts to leave when he trips over and smashes his head on a rock. Severely bloodied, Brand climbs down the rock to administer aid. Somehow "drawn to his spirit" Brand cradles the old man — whose head is now wound free — as holy music swells up to accompany the man's last breath. Just before he dies, the old man declares that he is "the one" and hands him a piece of what clearly is fool's gold. Aaron buries him beneath some desert rocks. America approves:Next morning, same shit: wake up next to car, blood stains, bitch about being alone, pretend to be a competent actor/director/producer... Brand's sanity unravels further as he calls out aimlessly for someone and has a nice riverside chat with his dead parents. A traumatized family too scared to have Aaron removed from their dinner table are held captive as Brand reveals how an authentic spy operates. Where in your training do they instruct you to inform any life form within a mile radius that you're a government spy? Aaron asks a young girl seated at his table to refill his water glass even though it's about 3/4 full. While she's gone the uh, father? (a little help here, Neil) tells him that his daughter, Megan has brain cancer. Way to kill the mood, dad! With zero humility, Aaron places his left hand on to Megan's head in a Christlike manner while holding the fool's gold in his right. He runs off into the desert to apprise his deceased fiancee that he believes he cured Megan's cancer. The fucking balls on this guy!