Review | Lack of chef at Rumors is evident

Rumors operates without a chef. After three decades in business, maybe the idea is that the kitchen can function on autopilot and doesn't need a real chef. That's a real problem. Even an inexperienced chef, maybe a part-time chef — or even one who only occasionally wakes up from a nap — would be a plus. That was my impression on two recent visits to the restaurant.

There are more than 80 items (not usually a positive sign) on the printed menu that's tricked out with beachy drawings and headings such as "Sand"wiches (from the land and from the sea), "Surf & Seaweed" (soups and salads), Basket Cases (appropriately enough, baskets of fried things), Seasides (sides) and Happy Endings (desserts). "From the Steampot" come dishes such as the Rumors Crableg Dinner (market price and noted as "What a set o'legs!") and Wikiwaki Teriyaki Chicken ($10.99.)

On previous visits, I have liked the chilled peel and eat shrimp ($6.79 for 1/4 pound, $11.49 for 1/2 pound, $19.79 for one pound) but one night decided to try the hot and spicy version. "What," I asked our server, "are the New England spices in the peel and eat shrimp?" She replied, "Old Bay Seasoning." I didn't want to break the news that good ol' Old Bay Seasoning is from Baltimore, not New England. There were, indeed, traces of Old Bay Seasoning, but I would hardly call the dish hot and spicy. Peeling took too much work for a miniscule reward.

If you believe the menu, crawfish and Andouille sausage make the seafood gumbo ($4.69) "special." It's a trick! There were some nice size pieces of sausage, but there was nothing special about the gumbo. I did, however, appreciate the three packages of Zesta saltines.

Two of the "Sand"wiches caught my undivided attention as I looked over the menu. The Philly Steak ($9.39) is "covered" with Swiss cheese. Swiss cheese on a Philly cheesesteak? It's against nature, an insult to Philadelphia as if the city isn't insulted enough, and a joke that has no punch line. But, there's more: the Turkey Philly, also priced at $9.39. There shouldn't be, and probably isn't other than at Rumors, a sandwich that uses the word turkey and Philly in the same name.

If when you sit down at Rumors your table doesn't have a bottle of A-1, move to another table if you have any intention of ordering the steak sandwich ($10.29). The A-1 will be the only flavor that comes your way. Supposedly, the meat is seasoned and grilled to the customer's specifications. That's half right. It was grilled medium-rare, as Alex requested. He hadn't realized he needed to request that it have taste.

If you only seldom read my reviews, you know I'm not one to assail fried food. I was looking forward to the "legendary" fish sandwich ($9.49) which is purported to be lightly breaded. The breading was light, but the fish and breading were indistinguishable from the bread itself. The little container of tarter (sic) sauce was little more than mayonnaise.

Ten dollars and 99 cents seemed like it would be a bargain for the Diablo chicken linguine — "grilled shredded chicken mixed with spinach and a spicy Buffalo enhanced cheese sauce. Topped with diced Roma tomatoes and served over linguine noodles with parm toast." I was robbed of almost $11 and all taste. The chicken was minced to the point of having a very unpleasant texture. The cheese sauce wasn't enhanced by anything, although I think it briefly may have passed by a Buffalo wing hoping to pick up some flavor. The linguine noodles were hard to forget but easy to swallow. They were so overcooked that they slid down my throat before I knew what had happened. They reminded me of the noodles in the ubiquitous red and white can of chicken noodle soup. At one point they must have been pasta but I wouldn't swear to it. Someone at Rumors has such a familiarity with Parmesan that he or she feels comfortable calling it "parm." Or maybe "parm" stands for something else that isn't supposed to taste like Parmesan. In that case, it was successful.

You can email freelance restaurant critic Nancy Miller at millermadison@aol.com. Follow @WhatNancyThinks on Twitter.

RUMORS RESTAURANT

Rating: 1 1/2 out of 4 stars

Address: 12339 Shelbyville Road

Telephone: (502) 245-0366

Web: www.rumorsrestaurants.com

Cuisine: Seafood with an American emphasis

Alcohol: Full bar

Vegetarian: Yes

Price range: Moderate

Reservations: Only for large groups

Credit cards: AE, V, MC, D

Children's menu: Yes

Smoking: On patio

Access: The restaurant appears to be fully accessible for people using wheelchairs without assistance.

Hours: Monday and Tuesday, 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m.; Wednesday and Thursday, 11 a.m.-10 p.m., Friday and Saturday, 11 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sunday, noon-9:30 p.m.

★★★★ outstanding

★★★½ excellent

★★★☆ very good

★★½☆ good

★★☆☆ fair

★☆☆☆ poor