MINNEAPOLIS—Acknowledging it was unlikely that he would encounter any more big surprises at this point, local man Eric Gibson told reporters Thursday that he is now old enough to know pretty much how the rest of his life is going to play out. “I’m fairly far along in my career, so I probably won’t change jobs before I step down at 65 or take an early retirement package due to corporate downsizing,” said the 46-year-old father of two, who confirmed that he has no real reason to move someplace different as he only has 14 years remaining on his home mortgage. “My wife and I are definitely done having kids, and I can only assume that our sexual activity will continue to taper off. I’ll probably buy a new car somewhere along the way and maybe make two or three new friends here or there. Otherwise, I’ll just be working, watching TV from 7 to 10 most nights, and eating from the same steady rotation of home-cooked meals and local takeout options while my health declines little by little. Yeah, that pretty much covers all of it.” Gibson conceded that there did remain a touch of mystery, however, as he was still unsure whether he’d eventually pass in his mid-70s from heart disease, stroke, or diabetes.

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