Too long have the citizenry of this nation stayed silent in the face of an insidious, nefarious power. Too long have we suffered soggy, slimy sandwiches in silence; choked down gelatinous egg salads; stood idly by while innocent fries drown under a flood of pallid, flavorless fat-goo. That's right, I'm talking about BIG MAYO. And until the rest of the world is talking about it too, I will not rest.

Here's a little wakeup call for all the mayonnaise apologists out there. I only pray that you may see the error of your ways before it's too late.