LINCOLN, NE—His face displaying mounting distress with each successive bite, local man Dillon Hawks is nearly halfway through his burrito without yet having encountered any trace of guacamole, sources indicated Wednesday. “No, hold on, something’s not right; I’m not seeing any green. Where is it? Where’s the goddamn guacamole?” Hawks reportedly said, growing more concerned by the second as he repeatedly failed to strike the pocket of avocado-based sauce that ought to lie somewhere within the tortilla. “I’m pretty sure I ordered guac. No, I definitely did. So where the hell is it? Christ, there’s not much of this thing left, is there? Oh, this is bad. This is very bad.” At press time, sources confirmed Hawks had hit the mother lode.

