Pastafarianism: the belief that a flying spaghetti monster exists. You can say its ridiculous all you want, but if I said I was a devout pastafarian and that I know the spaghetti monster exists, can you show me proof that the spaghetti monster is 100% not real?

The flying spaghetti monster, the tooth fairy, and most importantly the many forms of “god” worshiped by various religions, share a common attribute in this sense. There is no known way to scientifically prove that they are a spin-off of our imagination, as each of these claims cannot be falsified. Usually, this is the point where I go on to rant about how it is highly unlikely for religious claims to be true. This time though I’d like to try an entirely new approach. In this post I’m going to recreate the belief of pastafarianism into an organized religion, one that operates under the context of human history and as a consequence of historical conflict. This is not the initiation of cult, although I would actually enjoy the sight of people literally worshiping their dinner on the pastafarian Sabbath. The aim in creating such a scenario is much more simple and straightforward. To show that anyone can make a religion as long as there are enough people willing to believe even its silliest sounding teachings, and that all it takes is a little information and a little effort as time takes care of the rest.

In making pastafarianism an organized religion, the spaghetti monster needs to have symbolic value, like how bread and wine symbolizes the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ. With Since it takes more than one ingredient to make a dish of pasta, pastafarianism would be a polytheistic religion (like Hinduism or Greek mythology) to make it sound feasible. Each ingredient: the pasta, the tomato sauce, and the olive oil would each represent the multiple gods worshiped by devout pastafarians. And of course like any other religion heretics or infidels do exist in this religion, and since its worships pasta rice eaters will be treated as the evil incarnate and bread eaters will be regarded as second-class citizens. And believe me, our moral standards back then was not a pretty one.

Furthermore, the spaghetti monster itself would be the messenger of the gods, where all of the gods gave a piece of themselves to create the Hercules like demi-god of a spaghetti monster. Moreover, the act of eating pasta in itself would be an act of prayer, as the church will also function as a pasta kitchen on Sundays, just like how Rastafarians smoke up to pray to their god. To give it a little more detail, the church of the pasta was initiated in 19th century Italy, Naples to be exact. A holy book does exist which for now we we would call the bibowl, and selected historical facts and myths would be preached every Sunday mornings before the mass prayer (#lunch). These preachings will be infused into parts of the bible, due to the historical origins of the main ingredients or in other words the holy trinity. Keeping these made-up facts in mind, I would now like to elaborate on each of the gods that are symbolized in the holy trinity of pastafarianism: the tomato, the olive oil, and the pasta. The making of this religion is brought to you by Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Let’s begin with the first ingredient, the tomato. Tomatos originated in Mexico, where it was one of the main foods consumed by the Aztecs. Indeed, while the main staple foods of the Aztecs were corn, they also believed that the ingestion of a tomato seed was considered as a way to attain a divine power. While the first tomato was said to be brought by either Cortes the conquistador or Christopher Columbus, in considering the divinity of the tomato the key figure of pastafarianism would be Cortes.

As you may know the Aztec’s were known for their religious practices of human sacrifice, particularly in the practice of heart extraction. You see, in the Aztec religion the heart was seen as a container of the individual along with the suns heat. By extracting the heart the Aztecs believed that the suns heat will be reunited with it body, allowing the sun to rise again. As the enslavement of the Aztecs had symbolized a victory of Western civilization for the Spaniards, in pastafarian mythology the worshiping of the tomato derives its divinity from Cortes’s tale of conquest and the celebration of the defeat of barbarism and Western European “humility”.

Due to its characteristics, the tomato comes to represent the sun, blood, and procreation. Medicinal values also exists, as tomatoes helped curing scurvy during the European age of exploration. Since a religion is based on stories handed down from generation to generation, tales of conquest by the tomato eating heroes of the pastafarian belief should come naturally. With tomato sauce first recorded in 1692 and the combination of tomato sauce and pasta being invented in 1790, there is a good amount of time to fill in this gap with half made up stories of the spaghetti monster. If historical fact is ignored that is.

Now let’s look at the second pillar of the spaghetti monster trinity: olive oil. Olives and the use of its oil had multiple uses in history: in religious rituals, medicine, lamp fuel, and even as soap. With its first extraction being mentioned in the old testament, the Greeks used it as an offering to the Greek goddess Athena, while the Romans were washing every part of they’re body with it. Moreover, oilve oil continues to show up in Judaism (Hanukkah); Christianity (baptism); Islam (the profit’s choice); and Mormonism (don’t ask). In addition, the Aztec’s were described as the lost tribe of Israel by Father Diego Duran, and by being good Christians the Spanish empire and its soldiers killed and enslaved their ancient counterparts. I’m sure there’s no harm in putting these stories in the bibowl, what’s one more religion gonna do anyway? (#war #oppression #etc) In sum, the olive oil will symbolize the light, purity, and health, its divinity deriving from its existence in Jerusalem.

And the final of the three: pasta noodles. While pasta appears on the historical radar as early as 1st century B.C., during the age of exploration it was a must have item for every sailor braving into the “new” world. Pasta itself has actually quite the travel record, with its ancestor was being consumed in 3-5 century Palestine (#winkwink). It was also around in 8th century Arabia, the golden age of the ruling Islamic empire that made Baghdad a household name. This should be more than enough of proof for divinity, since religion is about stories that are passed down generation by generation. Its authenticity which I am inclined to doubt.

The main content of the bibowl and its teachings therefore would be part exploration age tales and myths; the divinity of each of the ingredients; and the borrowing of teachings from the bible and the Koran by cross referencing it with the ingredients of spaghetti recipes. Since pasta itself is a global dish as shown, attributing that to a divine spaghetti monster flying around the world and occasionally revealing itself as an omen actually does make sense. So,take the leap of faith (and free Sunday lunch) and come be the member of the pastafarian church!!

No, but see how easy that was? This is the end for now, but if anyone sees any potential in the pastafarian church or would like to add some verses into the bibowl, you’re more than welcome. Remember, this is not just the end, its the beginning.

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Posted in comedy, history, religion

Tags: comedy, history, religion