Late-night hosts took apart the eight-page letter released by the White House to explain why the administration wouldn’t be cooperating with the impeachment inquiry and Trump’s ongoing meltdown.

Trevor Noah: ‘Like Santa Claus doing the Tooth Fairy’s job’

On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah spoke about Trump’s refusal to participate in the inquiry launched as a result of his insistence that the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, investigate Joe Biden’s son Hunter. “Trump can’t just decline to participate, this isn’t the Vietnam war,” he joked.

This week on The Fantastic, Absolutely Tremendous Road to Impeachment: Trump blocks an ambassador from testifying to Congress, a completely innocent thing to do. pic.twitter.com/m0V4cK4zP5 — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) October 9, 2019

The US ambassador to the EU, Gordon Sondland, was set to testify but pulled out at the last minute. “What a completely innocent thing to do,” Noah said.

Sondland was tasked by the president to deal with Ukraine – despite Ukraine not being in the EU. “That’s not his jurisdiction,” Noah said. “That would be like Santa doing the Tooth Fairy’s job.”

During a string of released text messages between Sondland and Bill Taylor, a diplomat and former US ambassador to Ukraine, Sondland responded to a leading question with the words “Call me”.

“The only reason to talk on the phone at all is to wish your grandmother a happy birthday, or to commit crimes or to commit crimes with your grandmother on her birthday,” Noah said.

There’s also been chatter about how the whistleblower will testify. Given Trump’s threats over what could happen to whoever it is, calls have been made to disguise both their face and voice. “All they really need to do is disguise the whistleblower as Trump’s daughter Tiffany and he’d be like, ‘Who is this person? I’ve never seen her before in my life,’” Noah joked.

Stephen Colbert: ‘Tragically, he’s developed phone spurs’

On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert spoke about the difficult position Trump has found himself in. “Half of Congress absolutely hates him, and the Democrats aren’t fond of him either,” he said.

Trump’s refusal to participate in the impeachment inquiry led Colbert to joke that “tragically he has developed phone spurs”, before he spoke about the “officially bitchy eight-page letter” released by the White House and the “absolutely bonkers arguments” within it.

Trump joked that he wouldn’t trust the kangaroo court that is in front of him and Colbert disputed this by saying: “There’s no koala bailiff, no dingo judge.”

Seth Meyers: ‘It’s an impeachment inquiry, not Secret Santa’

On Late Night with Seth Meyers, the host also spoke about Trump’s refusal to cooperate. “What do you mean you’re not participating? It’s an impeachment inquiry, not Secret Santa,” he said. “You don’t get to choose whether you participate! You’re like a guy being dragged away in handcuffs screaming, ‘I’m not participating in this arrest!’”

A poll has revealed that 58% of Americans support the opening of an impeachment inquiry, which led Meyers to quip: “Congratulations, man! You’re finally polling over 50%.”

It’s also been shown that 60% of women support the inquiry. “Well, ‘Thank God, they can’t vote,’ said Mike Pence,” Meyers said.

A recent report included a quote from an official who claimed that Trump has gone rogue. “I’m sorry, he went rogue?” Meyers said. “He’s always been rogue. It’s like saying Oscar the Grouch went to the garbage. He lives in the garbage.”

Jimmy Kimmel: ‘I have three words for that: you go first’

On Jimmy Kimmel Live! the host also brought up the text conversation and the words “call me”. He said: “That doesn’t sound fishy at all.”

He also joked: “In this administration, if you know anything, you know too much.”

Kimmel also didn’t hold back on Trump’s behaviour this week and those around him. “How dumb is this guy?” he asked. “And these jackholes who keep rallying about him are so desperate to defend something they know nothing about, and they’re doing it by discrediting the very House of Representatives that they’re in!”

Trump has also suggested staffers take a lie-detector test after fears over more whistleblowers emerging. “I have three words for that: you go first,” Kimmel joked.

Given the president’s history of lies, he also found it a bizarre suggestion. “This is like pooping your pants and walking around saying, ‘Someone in here stinks,’” he said.