Kim Crawley

Opinion contributor

The popular narrative about autism is one of, at best, inconvenience and awkwardness and, at worst, horror and tragedy. Psychologists used to believe that children were autistic due to their “refrigerator mothers.” We’d like to think that we live in more enlightened times, but we don’t. From new parents who mourn for the "normal" child they could have had, to discriminatory hiring practices when autistic adults try to enter the workforce, autistics don't exactly get a fair shake.

So, as an autistic, you can imagine my rather pleasant surprise about Amy Schumer’s latest Netflix comedy special, "Growing."

Schumer married her husband, accomplished chef Chris Fischer, in February 2018. In "Growing", she talks about how her husband is on the autism spectrum: “Once he was diagnosed, all of the reasons that made (it) clear he was on the spectrum were all of the reasons I fell madly in love with him. That’s the truth.” His apparent inability to lie is one of his autistic traits that makes him a good husband.

Going public with autism is personal

I’m delighted that she’s using her fame to promote the positive side of autism, but not all of us who are in the neurodiversity movement appreciated her public comments about Fischer. Non-autistics often claim to speak for us, whether that is our parents, romantic partners or clinicians and supposed experts. This is dehumanizing and can be traumatizing. Because of the discrimination we face, autistic adults usually prefer to be the ones to choose who we disclose our autism to.

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But Schumer seems to have handled it correctly. In her case, she had her husband's permission to publicly disclose his autism. While promoting "Growing" on "Late Night with Seth Myers," Schumer said: "We both wanted to talk about it because it’s been totally positive. I think a lot of people resist getting diagnosed, and even some of their children, because of the stigma that comes along with it."

My career has been all about sharing my ideas in the public sphere. I’m a cybersecurity blogger and, although I don’t get too personal in those venues, I definitely write about my personal life in other parts of the internet.

I've been candid about the cathartic process of being diagnosed with autism at age 35. I also tweet a lot about my loving boyfriend, Jason. We met through a dating website for “alternative subculture” people. I’m goth and he’s a heavy metal musician. And we wear our dark subcultural costumes in our ordinary lives, every single day.

We look like we have a lot in common, and we do. But Jason, as brilliant and eccentric as he is, is obviously non-autistic. At social gatherings I often try to urge him to socialize for the both of us.

Being grateful for autism

I didn’t have my autism diagnosis when we fell in love, even though Asperger’s Syndrome was suspected of me throughout my adolescence. For all he could tell, I was just a quirky, delightfully weird, studious nerd of a goth chick. He saw me as someone who can speak and write eloquently, but who also hand flaps and stims when I’m unaware.

For him, my autism diagnosis was probably an unexpected turn in our relationship; all he knew about autism before meeting me was the inaccurate stereotype portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man."

Despite the stereotypes, autistics are often affectionate, sexual, and quite capable of expressing empathy in our own ways. Being autistic isn't a defect, it is another way of being.

In my own case, when Jason felt under the weather earlier this year, I spontaneously dropped by his place with a shopping bag full of over-the-counter remedies from the drugstore and his favorite Canada Dry ginger ale. I encourage his music career and I even listen to his music on Spotify when I miss him. But when he takes me to a heavy metal concert, I have to take frequent breaks outside to help deal with my sensory overstimulation from the loud noise.

Like other autistics, I can ramble on and on and on about my favorite topics. I can be very socially awkward or reserved even though I’m not shy. Jason's parents adore me and they call me a genius. (I’m not.) These are the moments, he'll say to me, that he is grateful his girlfriend is autistic.

Both Jason and Amy Schumer have discovered an amazing secret. It can be great to be in love with an autistic person.

Kim Crawley is a cybersecurity writer. Follow her on Twitter @kim_crawley.