Author’s Note: The following is my planned class introduction for all three of my courses this fall semester at The University of North Carolina – Wilmington. My first-day-of-class remarks are reproduced here for your reading pleasure. It is not a word for word reproduction. But it’s pretty close. So enjoy!

Welcome back to another semester at UNCW! I am excited to have each and every one of you in my class. However, some of you may not be excited to have me as a professor. Each semester, I get at least one bad teaching evaluation from a student who never heard of me before enrolling in the class. Usually the student is a “progressive” who later finds out who I am and then wants to drop the class because he/she/undecided lacks the requisite tolerance to be in the presence of someone who holds different ideas. Since this discovery is often made after the drop date has passed, the student cannot get out of the class. Being stuck with a single non-leftist professor is just too much for them to handle both emotionally and intellectually.

Although I will not be discussing my political views in class, I thought I would just give you all a basic run-down of all things these thin-skinned leftists support that I don’t believe in – just in case you are one of them and simply cannot bear the thought of having even a single conservative professor in college. If your view of tolerance causes you to be intolerant of any of the views I express then feel free to go pick up a drop slip. I would not want to force you to stay in my class any more than I would try to force you to bake a cake for my wedding.

Same sex “marriage.” Speaking of weddings I think the whole idea of same-sex marriage is garbage. When people ask why I don’t believe in same-sex marriage, my response is to simply note that it doesn’t exist. Marriage requires a man and a woman. So asking me if I believe in same-sex marriage makes about as much sense as asking whether I believe in four-sided triangles. Just as adding a fourth side to a triangle disqualifies it from being a triangle, adding a second man or second woman to a marriage disqualifies it from being a marriage. It isn’t complicated.

Abortion. I understand that this is the holy sacrament of the religion of feminism. But I think it is murder. You may disagree with me but science is not on your side. I just wish feminists would stop embracing anti-science fundamentalism and admit that the unborn child is a distinct, living, and whole human being from the point of conception. Generally speaking, we need to keep religions like secular feminism from controlling public policy.

Safe spaces. If you ever find yourself in need of a safe space then you’re probably going to have to stop calling yourself a social justice warrior. You cannot be a warrior and a pansy at the same time. Just for the record, I think we should abolish all of these safe spaces. Instead, I would propose that all the progressive safe space seekers just wear bubble suits to protect them from potentially offensive ideas. Bubble suits are so much more personal. Plus, they also double as diapers for those having trouble locating the bathroom that corresponds to the sex that was assigned to them at birth by their Creator.

Trigger Warnings. The only kind of trigger warning I support is on the front door of my house. It says “If you come in here without knocking I am going to pull the trigger.” I am sorry if anyone was triggered by that little revelation.

Black Lives Matter. These guys are just a bunch of racists. They are also communists. If you don’t believe me then just go to their website to see their latest list of demands. Every time these idiots launch another riot I buy another handgun. As if I needed an excuse.

Politically Correct Segregation. I think all of these university African American Centers and Hispanic Centers are uniformly pathetic. The NAACP won the war against segregation. Then the diversity movement started to re-segregate – all the while asking the taxpayers to support it in the name of “tolerance.” The next thing you know the diversity crowd will be demanding separate “colored” and “white” restrooms.

Gun Control. The only kind of gun control I support is shooting with two hands. Feminists should be with me on this issue since measures like concealed weapons permits have reduced predatory crimes like rape. Sadly, your feminist professors conceal the research because they would rather that women be raped than that they be proven wrong. They are actually that petty and emotionally insecure. But what do you expect from a movement that centers itself on the murder of innocent children? Certainly you could not expect a rational appraisal of scientific evidence. It’s the anti-science fundamentalism that created the whole abortion mess in the first place.

Well, there you have it. Those are my politics in a nutshell. If anyone was offended have no fear. I actually teach the subject matter in my classes rather than trying to make political converts. My politics won’t be the focus of this class. But if you are too emotionally damaged to continue I have provided a fresh stack of drop slips in the back of the class. Registration is still open and there are plenty of seats available in the Women’s Studies Department. In fact, you can even go on and get your degree in Women’s Studies. That way, you will be able to exercise your constitutional right to be unoffended for four consecutive years. A promising career working at Starbucks will be awaiting you upon graduation.

Now please open your textbook and turn to page one of chapter one. It’s time to get down to the business of learning free from political indoctrination.