Preamble:

Germany: better cars, better sausages, better beer.

England: better heavy metal bands, marginally better Christmas television schedule, better minute-by-minute reports on underage football tournaments.

So you see, it's a draw so far. The clincher could be which country produces the better international football teams and, well, we know the answer to that. But tonight could bring proof, or at least hope, that the tide is turning. If nothing else, the U-21 European Champions crown would certainly be something for Blighty to crow about, if, indeed, Blighty needs an excuse to crow.

The omens are not good. The fact that England could have prevented the Germans from making it this far by fielding a full-strength team rather than reserves when the sides meant in the group is something that can reasonably be expected to come back and taunt Stuart Pearce.

The fact that England will not have a specialist striker due to the monumentally silly suspension incurred by Frazier Campbell doesn't augur well either, and Gabby Agbonlahor and Joe Hart's omission aren't very encouraging either. But at least it means we'll likely see Theo Walcott in a central striking role, a position that many believe he could excel in if he could perfect his finishing.

As for Germany, well, I haven't seen them so all I can tell you is that they're managed by Horst Hrubesch, the man who scored the decisive penalty kick against France in that epic World Cup semi-final in 1982. As such, he can be said to embody evil.

Teams:

England: Loach; Cranie, Richards, Onuoha, Gibbs, Muamba, Cattermole; Noble, Milner, Adam Johnson, Walcott

Germany: Neuer; Beck, J. Boateng, Höwedes, Boenisch; Hummels; Johnson, Castro, Khedira, Özil; S. Wagner

7:31 mins: Seconds into Sky's punditry and Alan Curbishley has warned that Germany are "efficient" and "disciplined". I hope he wasn't contrasting that to any supposed English flamboyance because Pearce's team are functional pragmatists as per the Teutonic cliche. Solidity, set-pieces and a dash of speed is what they're all about. Not particularly precise in possession they're geared mainly towards the counter-attack.

7:36pm: "Yes Paul, you are right," bellows Roger Theberge.

"I can still feel the gut-churning injustice watching Germany go through in 1982: Battiston being assaulted and that GUTLESS ref giving a yellow card for such bloody murder. It hurt and I am not even French." Damn straight, except that as far as I recall, Schumacher did not even get a yellow! I could be wrong about that, bitterness may have distorted my memory. It happens to me a lot.

7:41pm: The camera has just focused on the Dutch ref and I have to say he looks quite weak. The English could have him for breakfast. And not just because his name is Kuipers. Actually, that is the only reason I said that.

1 min: England, in white to Germany's red, get the game underway and immediately work it back to Loach, who punts it forward. A sound early touch for the stand-in keeper.

2 mins: Johnson skins two German defenders down the left before being upended. Milner swings in a deep freekick that Cranie heads over at the far post.

4 mins: Now that was a nifty move by England! Muamba dinked a deft reverse pass to Cattermole, who slipped a dainty ball behind the German defence in anticipation of a surge by Walcott. That surge duly came and the Arsenal youngster opted for a first time shot from the edge of the box with the outside of his boot. It floated just over the bar.

6 mins: After England's vibrant start Germany are trying to take control. They're holding on to t he ball all right, but no sign of them penetrating yet. Or even approaching the English box. "I must be going through a severe mid-life crises," confesses John Thompson. "Yesterday I was in my "British Pub" in Portland Oregon watching and supporting USA USA USA playing Brazil, and now I'm at work following and supporting England U21s – and did I mention, I'm Scottish!" Well, you can't dine out on the Kirin Cup forever.

8 mins: Muamba - England's player of the tournament in my book - wins back possession with a splendid crunching tackler on Castro. The German had nearly got away from him. Castro came close, you might say, but got no cigar.

11 mins: That was less smart by Muamba. In attempting to get to the ball before Castro, he pushed the German to the ground. That gives the sons of the Fatherland a freekick from about 29 yards. It cannons off the wall ... and an England counter-attack is curtailed by a magnificent tackle on Walcott by Hummels. "I can't see England winning international tournaments until we start picking players based on their intelligence to some degree," lectures Steve Clowes. "That tattoo is a bit off putting." Perhaps, Steve, you could give us an example of an intelligent tattoo?

14 mins: Neat build-up by Germany, who cut England apart until Richards hurls himself in front of an Ozil shot to concede a corner. "It's as good as won," declares Robot Boy. "Germany were incredibly, ridiculously lucky to beat Italy. They are not a match for the England team." Perhaps, but it could also be said that England were mighty lucky to beat Sweden. The sides look evenly matched so far: England are faster and more direct, albeit mostly on the counter, while Germany are more inventive and cohesive.

16 mins: Another Milner freekick from the left wing arcs wide.

19 mins: Textbook shove in the back by Richards on Hummels leads to a corner for England. Germany clear. "You wanted an example of an intelligent tattoo," recaps Matt Heath. "I offer Carl Zimmer's emporium of science tattoos."

20 mins: Another example of direct, tricky running from Adam Johnson. Right up to the bit where he fell over on the edge of the German box.

21 mins: Walcott on the rampage! But Hummels rides to the rescue again. "So does Steve Clowes equate having a tattoo with having limited intelligence?" demands-to-know Phil Sawyer. "Or does he have a sliding scale? I have a first class honours degree and a tattoo of the classic symbol for an atom on my arm. Is this acceptable or will he be sending the tattoo police around with their wire scrubbers?"

GOAL! England 0-1 Germany (Castro 23') Lovely goal. Ozil ran through the heart of England's midfield and then slipped a perfect ball between Onouha and Cranie. Castro darted on to it and poked it past the out-rushing Loach. "If you want to know what an intelligent tattoo is, you should read "Farewell Horizontal" by KW Jeter," blathers Peter Remmington. Thanks Peter, but I don't have the time right now as I'm commentating on a football match. Care to offer a 50-word synopsis.

26 mins: Cattermole rolls the ball out to Milner on the right. He chugs forward a little and then attempts to direct a 20-yard shot into the far corner. Misses by a yard.

27 mins: Milner on the gallop again, but Boateng strides across to bring his progress to an end at the edge of the area. "Ooooh, thanks for that link, Matt Heath," gusges Phil Sawyer. "I'm wandering around the Science Tattoos Emporium like a kid in a sweet shop ..."

29 mins: Ozil is causing England plenty of problems. He's wandering all over the final third and no one is managing to shackle him. Just now he snuck into the box undetected and was picked out by a good ball from the right-back. Fortunately for England Ozil was, for once, incontinent in terms of control.

31 mins: Lots of gusto from England but little guile so far. Johnson fires a shot well wide from 25 yards.

34 mins: Boenisch cracks one wide from out on the left wing. "Say Paul, how come you don't have that fancy automatic updater thing that are on the Wimbledon pages?" groans Jon Whiting. "Now I've had to pull my F5 button out of retirement after years of overuse." German "That's a darn good question, Jon, and one I shall put to our resident boffins along with my fist.

36 mins: Milner has come more central in a bid to get more involved - and the immediate effect is that he wins a freekick after being clattered. England whack the freekick towards Onuoha at the back post and that's meat and chemical-free beer to the Germans.

38 mins: Cranie swings in a dangerous cross from the right but England didn't have enough players in there - only little Walcott, to be precise. Milner retrieved it on the opposite wing and his cross was nodded clear. England are going to have to muster something more imaginative than this, you feel. Well, I feel, at least.

41 mins: Germany briefly threaten on the counter as Beck feeds Johnson down the left. But Muamba scampers back to tidy up.

42 mins: Another masterful tackle by Muamba. He really is handy when it comes to sabotaging the opposition's moves.

44 mins: As Germany probe menacingly around the England box, Richards loses his patience and barges a forward off the ball. Freekick to Germany about 24 yards out. Ozil curls it inches over the bar. About 386 inches, that is. But hold on, the ref reckons it took a nick off the wall, so Germany are given a corner. Which they waste. Still, the ball is at the end they would wish it to be at: not much sign of an English comeback so far.

45 mins: Right on cue, the ref blows for a half-time. "Would it be fair to say that Wagner is running Rings around the England defence?" chortles Simon Fullwood. "Ho ho ho." Listen Simon, any more high-brow Wager puns and I'll have to have a serious, hart-to-hart conversation with you.

Half-time chitchat: "So Horst Hrubesch can be said to embody evil, right?" scoffs Wulf Englert. "We are talking about a man who wrote a book about his passion for angling, for crying out loud. How evil can he possibly be?" A fish slayer you say? Why amn't I surprised?

The verdict so far: Mark Noble, theoretically England's main central creator, has been insignificant and Theo Walcott too isolated. And when England have sought to feed the Arsenal youngster it has usually been via crosses from out wide. Let's face it, that's not exactly playing to Walcott's strengths, is it? Germany have been more varied and canny in possession. Though England have probably had the majority of the platy, Germany look the more likely to create another goal. A set-piece or a mistake look like England's most likely route to the net. "If Phil Sawyer can use his tattoos to come through his exams with a first-class honors, then who are we to judge the intelligence of footballers by their use of the ink?" chirps Justin Kavanagh. "Say what you like about David Beckham, but he won't be forgetting the names of his kids when he's ninety (and still playing for England, no doubt)."

England substitution: Onuoha off, Mancienne on.

46 mins: Within seconds of the restart Boateng trips Walcott to concede a free by the left corner flag. Milner's delivery is good but Johnson's miscued his attempted volley, allowing Boateng to clear from the edge of the six-yard box. "Any update on the F5 situation?" hollers Jim Harris. "Maybe keeping in theme with tonight's commentary, you could tatoo said boffin with 'I must never forget to enable auto-refresh again' on his forehead (backwards obviously, so he can read it in the mirror). But will said tatoo increase or decrease his intelligence though?"

GOAL! England 0-2 Germany (Ozil 48') Oh dear. Poor young Scott Loach. Ozil has just beaten him with a freekick from about 35 yards. It swirled a bit but was in the middle of the goal and the keeper got his hands to it but allowed it to squirm away from him and into the net. A blunder, no two ways about it. "The moment Germany scored, Andy Murray's game picked up. I'll say no more," promises Gary Naylor. Let's see how long he keeps his word for, eh.

51 mins: The problem is palpable: England are athletic but ponderous. There is little variety, invention or unpredictability to their game. Now where have you heared that before?

53 mins: Loach, in fairness, is determined not to let that goal get to him and reacted smartly to dash off his line and intercept another cute through-ball from Hummels.

55 mins: Boateng heads a freekick over the bar. England need to find two goals but at the moment they can't get the ball. By the way, did you know that if Germany win tonight they will then hold the European U-21, U-19 and U-17 titles? That's never been done before. Is a German football renaissance under way? Any chance of an English one any time soon?

57 mins: Stuart Pearce has to do something because as things stand there is no chance of England getting back into this game. Rodwell should come on for Cattermole, I reckon. Germany will still win, mind. "I remember the Seville game about as well as you can expect for it having been 27 years ago," recalls Doug Green. "The game that turned me into an avowed fan of the French and an avowed enemy of German football. You're right, the incredibly feeble referee (a Dutchman, Charles Corver - which I admit to having Googled) didn't even give the thug a yellow card. I've always thought Schumacher should have done time for that, never mind get a card."

58 mins: That's an improvement. Mancienne strode into midfield and knocked t he ball to Milner, who took it forward and thwacked a fine effort inches over the bar.

60 mins: Oh-oh. Here's another freekick to Germany, in exactly the same position that the last goal was scored from. Fortunately Loach was not called upon to do his David James impression this time, as Ozil blasted his effort into the wall.

62 mins: Oh so close! Milner did brilliantly to slalom to the by-line before cutting a ball back to Johnson, who met it at the near post just three yards out! His connection was decent but Beck performed heroically to scoop it off the line! "U-21s, U-19s, U-17s," snorts Oliver Dennis, who is just unable to resist adding the following: "Let's not forget U-boats. The Germans have also done very well in them."

64 mins: Pearce almost charges on to the pitch to protest at a brutal foul by Boenisch on Milner. The German is booked. Speaking of brutal fouls: "If it is any consolation I did hear that Schumacher was roundly booed at all of his away league games in (West) Germany for a season or so after that incident," chips in Colin Johnston.

66 mins: England have cranked up the tempo and starting to Germany a little. But they are undermining their attacks somewhat by resorting to long balls to Richards, who is now venturing forward with regularity. Germany are not entirely sitting back, though, and still look menacing at times. And certainly slicker than England.

67 mins: England still can't get a grip on Ozil - not even from a corner. They allow him sneak over to receive the ball short and fire a fierce effort into the sidenetting.

69 mins: Germany change: Johnson off, Schwaab on. "This is not one of those games which arouses great passion in my English heart - unlike the Lions v Eye-Gpugers, with a scratch side bridging gulfs of class and nation to almost pull it off," fumes Fred Lane, who, you will note, is following this game all the same.

71 mins: Another clearance off the line by Beck! This time it was from a glancing header by Cattermole after a Milner corner. "It's just so depressing this whole situation," sobs Angus Chisholm. "Stuart Pearce has done a decent job with the U21s from a certain point of view. The point of youth football, though, should be striving for improvement and technical development. Is that what we're seeing here, at the highest level of pure youth football in Europe, from England? No. It's maddening. Why haven't they learned their lesson? Crosses and long balls to Walcott are just stupid. There's no other word for it. If Pearce can't talk that out of his charges and introduced a bit of multidimensionality to their play then it's just bad coaching pure and simple. Shouldn't we expect better from these players, many of which play for premier league clubs? The U21s of late have served their purpose in some instances. They were somewhat important in Walcott's earlier development when he was more of a bit part player at Arsenal, and they're having a similar effect on Gibbs now, but English youth football is in a poor way and it needs to improve. Where is the emphasis on technique? At all levels of the game, most of the time, technique and good ball players will triumph above nebulous concepts like 'bottle' and 'guts', and agricultural concepts like high, aimless long balls. Even if England win from here it would surely be a rather hollow victory. England deserve better and I'm Australian for Christ's sake." I was with you until you said England deserve better: performances like this are precisely what is deserved for the reasons you allude to.

73 mins: Germany taking the winds out of England's sails with some patient passing. "Paul, I remember that France v West Germany game so well because my junior school had a sweepstake on it (is that even legal?)," rambles Tony Long. "I had France and would have won 50 quid if they won. I was gutted, I might have finished a Panini album if I had won that. Anyway the Schumacher assault wasn't even deemed a foul. A goal kick was given." You are absolutely right. Top memory.

75 mins: Noble takes down the ever-influential Ozil, conceding a freekick about 25 yards out, wide on the left. It's crossed towards the back post, where Richards rises well to nut it away.

76 mins: England try to mount a snappy counter-attack, but once again it's brought to and end by Hummels, who intercepts a well-intentioned Johnson ball just before Walcott could collect.

77 mins: Germany tear down the other end and Scwhaab fires just over from the edge of the box.

78 mins: That should have been victory for Germany! A lovely ball from midfield found Ozil wide on the left and he served it on a plate to Wagner, who somehow failed to get a proper touch on the ball from three yards out!

79 mins: England substitution: Muamba off, Rodwell on. Richards has now taken up permanent residence up front.

GOAL! England 0-3 Germany (Wagner 80') A simple, wickedly incisive move on the counter. The outstanding Ozil was again at the bug of it, romping through the middle before slipping a well-timed pass into the path of Wagner, who, this time, tucked the ball expertly under Loach from 10 yards. "By the way, Wagner is Germany's Emile Heskey," scrawls Clarke Whitney with poor timing.

82 mins: Germany are toying with England now. They have been superior all night - defter and cuter - and they're rubbing it in now. "Surely it's a good thing that our young players are getting to lose to the Germans at youth level?" propounds Oliver Dennis. "That sort of experience will definitely prepare them to progress to the England senior team."

83 mins: Germany change: Hummels - who also played splendidly tonight - is replaced by Aogo. "At least England are young and have only let in three," poops Mark Ireland. "I'm 40 and have just go back from being run off the park by a bunch of 20 somethings. It was a "married" v "unmarried" game. The unmarried men won 8-1, showing that being married doesn't mean you can score whenever you like. In fact you're lucky to score at all."

GOAL! England 0-4 Germany (Wagner 84') Germany's Emile Heskey, mein Arsch! Wagner has just collected the ball wide on the left, sauntered forward and curled a sumptuous shot past Gardner and Loach and into the far corner. Shades of Norman Whiteside at Wembley all those years ago.

87 mins: England, featuring a team of Premier starlets, have been totally outclassed. And Germany want a fifth. "U-Boats, that's some 70 years ago," frowns Oliver Driesen. "Schumacher, almost 30. May I suggest that you Brits try hating us for Pope Ratzinger who is still in charge.

89 mins: Germany change: Ozil off, to tremendous acclaim, and on comes Schmelzer. This Ozil chap will surely graduate to the senior mannschaft sometimes real soon. By which, of course, I mean, add to the one cap he got a few months ago. (Thanks Clark Whitney!) "I thought we'd manage to get through the full 90 minutes without any national stereotypes," admits the oh so naive Phil Sawyer. "But Chris Waddle on 5Live has just played the 'ruthlessly efficient' card. So could I counter with a 'tactically inept' regarding England? Or is a simple 'hopeless' more appropriate?" Tactically and technically inept, I would say.

89 mins: Germany spraying the ball around like F1 winners with champagne,k and England will be lucky not to lose 5-0 here. Despite the introduction of Gardner for Cranie with seconds to go.

Full-time: England are put out of their misery. Germany were far superior, tactically and technically. It's hard to imagine that the presence of Agbonlahor, Campbell and Hart would have made much difference. Though Hart would probably have done better for that second goal. The stats show England had 60% of the possession but they didn't know what to do with it. Germany were far more clever and cutting, as shown by their 17 shots to England's eight. And, of course, their four goals to England's zero. "Who the heck is Wagner?" shouts Wulf Englert. "Never heard of him before and just had to look him up on Wikipedia. Second league club MSV Duisburg might be in for a bonanza. Come on Man City, you know you want him ..." Danke schon, dear readers, and auf wiedersehen. Ja?

P.S. The delighted victors are doing a lap of honour, carrying a large, pre-printed banner saying "thank you very much, Sweden" - in Swedish. Just as during the match, the Germans have a lot of class. "Congratulations to the English team for trying," froths tonight's final contributor, Dr Peter Beringer. "And all the best to the young chap who said that England winning was a foregone conclusion. And to Mr. Driesen let me say: the English probably appreciate us for Ratzinger. They also appreciate us for U-Boats and all the other Dreck. They hate us for beating them up at football. Well, we have less money in the Bundesliga. We are no masters of the universe with billions of borrowed money to throw about. But 80 million Germans make for a better base than 50 million English.