We at OTB are in mourning for the death of Tits McGee and Tanfastic Andre.

If there was ever a more homogenised celebrity Mc-couple, it was Jordan and Pete and if we have to give them credit for something, we’d give them credit for that.



In our over emotional state we have even taken to writing poetry, strumming our guitars and getting a bit emo. Read on….



An Ode To The Doomed Gogglebox Romance

Oh why oh why did you do this to me?

You stole my heart on reality TV

Now we’ve made a few quid but my reputation’s shot

A few more interviews in Heat and that’s my lot

I must say I had suspected you would cheat on me

Now our kids will grow up needing pyschotherapy

What hurts the most is that I thought it was forever

In three months time can we just get back together?

It may be too late but I love you honey

Nah, it’s time to ‘fess up – it was all about the money…

PHIL AND KATE – THE APPRENTICE

Oh it’s all going so well isn’t it? Now, there’s publicity photos, gushing over that first kiss and even, gasp, talk of marriage.

But, at the end of the day, we all know it’s b******s.

In a few week, there will be screaming, tears, taking sides and those public displays of affection will quickly turn into a barrage of vicious manipulation. Lorraine Kelly will jump on the bandwagon and inevitably slag the pair of them off, then Phil will stumble out of Boujis with Jordan’s left t*t in one hand and a Treasure Chest cocktail in the other before he vomits on a pap and collapses in a heap of his own misery (and probably p*ss).

Think twice chaps, get out whilst you still can.

DIANA VICKERS AND EOGHAN QUINN -THE X FACTOR

I’ve heard of puppy love, but Eoghan Quinn is as runty as they come. Oh you may call him baby-faced now, but what about four years down the line when he still hasn’t grown facial hair, and his voice still rivals that kid who sang The Snowman. He skinny boyish body won’t continue to appeal when you get past age twenty Diana, and you know it.

It’s like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button all over again. Whilst you are out practicing “The Claw” and making Sinead O’Connor look bad, he’ll be regressing even further until one day you’ll come home and he’ll be a whimpering tot.

Get a real man Diana! You need one.

NIKKI AND PETE – BIG BROTHER

How could the most loved Big Brother contestant fall for a girl who can out-tantrum a five year old? Well, I suppose there were slim pickings that year – it was Princess Nikki or Ghetto Aisleyne…

Sources state that Nikki was not best pleased about slumming it at shabby Brighton flats on the party scene with Pete. To be fair, it would have never worked – to damn one couple with Tourette’s (on Pete’s side), anorexia, suicidal tendencies and OCD (all Nikki) would have just been too much.

Seriously, could you imagine the children?!

NATASHA KAPLINSKY AND BRENDAN COLE

Behind Natasha Kaplinsky’s plastic smile and blindingly shiny veneer is a putrid soul, so poisonous she makes Satan quake with fear.

Poor Camilla Dallerup didn’t know what hit her. If anyone attempted to get their claws into my fiancee, I would have planted a razor sharp pair of shears in her dressing room, secretly hidden in some kind of congratulatory bouquet (oh the ironic twist of fate). Carefully place this in close proximity to a slippery, surface that will cause any dance-shoe to disintegrate and watch the carnage unfold.

Try presenting the news for Channel Five with a giant pair of scissors slicing your jugular, biatch.

CERYS MATTHEWS AND MARC BANNERMAN – I’M A CELEBRITY…

She puts horses heads in people’s beds, he had a short-stint in an Italian family on Eastenders – the mob connection clearly brought them together. Well… that and the intense musk that celebrities inherit after three weeks in the jungle, sucking on some kangaroo testicles and chowing down on a fish eye.

Even Ant and Dec were captivated by this illicit romance. Surely there can be nothing more romantic than wiping the blood from a gorilla penis from your loved one’s cheek?

Since then it’s been off again, on again, off again, oh dear..oh…no…wait…Turn off the lights we’re having a fit…

CHANTELLE AND PRESTON – CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

Even I was sucked in by this one. They were just so sweet, it was like the TV version of gorging oneself on candyfloss-covered toffee apples. Great at the time, but highly likely to result in choking on one’s own vomit.

By the wedding I was suffering from a mild case of malaise. When The Ordinary Boys released “I Luv U” I started to break out in a mild sweat and by the time Simon Amstell was mocking Chantelle’s autobiography, causing Preston to walk off Never Mind The Buzzcocks I was beyond caring. Just in time for the divorce!

How fickle celebrity love is. Occasionally I get pangs of guilt for the couple and dream about what might have been. Then I usually slap myself and get on with my day.

I recently saw Preston in a Brighton Blockbusters and realised that, in the flesh, he was just a cocky little s*** with poor taste in films. And that, my friends, is what we call “closure”.

ULRIKA JONSSON AND LANCE GERARD WRIGHT – MR RIGHT

In a shameful publicity stunt, after the winning contestant rejected Mr (Lance Gerrard W)Right, it wasn’t long before Ulrika got her polished, Swedish claws in.

Ah Ulrika, what a paragon of misery – why the hell did she win Celebrity Big Brother? Did the voting public keep her in the house as some kind of long, drawn-out attempt at punishment for her Sven affair and sex addict documentary? That seems like the only plausible explanation…

If Jodie Marsh classed herself up a bit, she could definitely follow in Ms Jonsson’s footsteps. All she needs to do is pop out a few kids from a smorgasbord of different Neanderthals and she’d be halfway there.

JORDAN AND PETER – I’M A CELEBRITY…

For me, the turning point was clearly A Whole New World. The only couple that have ever released a credible song together is Beyonce and Jay Z, even Sonny and Cher broke up – and I Got You Babe is a classic.

I don’t believe this break up is in any way real. I think it’s a shameless attempt to out-rubbish Kerry Katona. We know that celebrities are suffering in the credit crunch too, look how much Posh and Becks lost in The Sunday Times Rich List, it’s understandable that they’d want to distract us all from our hatred of MP’s with their tear-jerker parting.

Yet I remain sceptical. Perhaps Jordan is just jealous that Jade Goody has been heralded as a new, dearly-departed, “People’s Princess” – thereby taking the attention away from Mrs Andre’s most recent corrective surgery or inappropriately named child. How is anyone meant to crack America when their home country is obsessed with another faddy fame-seeker?

Don’t worry Katie, we get it. Hopefully one day your fans will wake up and smell the roses, but until then, fair play to you.

DENISE VAN OUTEN AND LEE MEAD – ANY DREAM WILL DO

Ok so the jury’s still out on this one (mainly because we feel uncharacteristically cruel at damning their relationship after just over two weeks of marriage) but we worry for our little Den. The poor girl hasn’t exactly had the best dating record – and I don’t just mean her disastrous relationship with hat-wearing funk Badger Jay Kay. Rumour has it that Miss VO also had a short-lived teen romance with the grotesquely perverse Grandad of Glam Rock – Gary Glitter.

Pass me the bucket.

We really, really hope this relationship is destined for great things but with a big age difference (not to mention the fact that the Ulrika/Lance comparisons are plentiful) the obsequious demons of reality TV coupledom are waiting patiently to claw the very heart out of the lovely pair. Let’s hope they don’t get too close. Eeek!

JODIE MARSH AND MATT PEACOCK – TOTALLY JODIE MARSH:WHO’LL TAKE HER UP THE AISLE

Well, if there’s one thing you can say for Jodie Marsh, it’s that she’s honest.

If there was ever a more obvious attempt at making money and boring a few thousand idle chavs of an evening, it was Jodie’s desperate TV marriage campaign. It was no surprise that she eventually ended up tying the knot with one of Jordan’s cast offs (watch out Mr Andre), resulting in a three month marriage and damning rumours that Jodie is positively obsessed with Katie Price’s alter ego.

The question remains, what new lows can Jodie sink to now that she’s flouted the most sacred of all loving institutions? Errr, she can start a lesbian affair with her hairdresser and make a public appeal for a sperm donor, obviously. Anything for a few column inches and some tainted cash.



Sally McIlhone