It’s always amusing to hear a man brag about his penis size, all boasting and prideful. Honey, you did nothing to deserve that dick — you were just born with it. It’s a penis, not a Pulitzer. Spare us the proud parent act and actually accomplish something worth bragging about (bringing another person to orgasm is a nice, reachable goal to start with).

There’s one dude who can boast about his peen, and that’s because it’s won awards. Jonah Falcon of Brooklyn, NY (ladies……) holds the world record for biggest dick, at 13.5 inches. I know this because some guy friends (always guys talking about other guys’ penises, put money on it) were discussing it yesterday. Then one of them got all visual with it, demonstrating what 13.5 inches looks like using a tape measurer and can I tell you I nearly vomited?

I don’t mean to dick shame here… but that is too, too big for me (keywords: FOR ME). My holes are not one size fits all, OK? And I’m sure poor Jonah has come across many girls like me in his day. It can’t be easy, having a dick so large and imposing. That’s why when guys brag about their penis size I’m just like, SILENCE, FOOL. SPEAK NOT OF WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW. THE BURDEN OF THE BIG DICKED IS NOT YOURS TO CARRY.

Because really, a too-big dick is maybe the only time size might take sex right off the table. If it’s larger than a bread box, we’re gonna have problems. Guys are so afraid that their dick might be on the small-ish side, but it’s the big boys who carry the weight of their humongous penises on their shoulders (no, not literally. Don’t try to envision this, it won’t work).

I’ve had sex with — no, a relationship with — a short dick man. A real one, none of this body dysmorphic shit all men seem to have when it comes to their penis size. We weren’t working with much, and we had a rocky beginning, sexually. But once we found our groove (read: the correct positions), the sex was good. The penis size was of no consequence (and giving head was a dream). The relationship didn’t last, but it wasn’t because of his small dick.

The facts cannot be disputed: big dick does not equal good dick. My one wish for men is that they wouldn’t stress over their size — unless it’s really big, because it makes everything from sex to fashion difficult to navigate. (And I’m not saying they should stress, just saying I’d understand why. See also: women with naturally large boobs.) Unlike boobs, though, your penis size is not going to change. The only thing that can change is what you do with it — and that applies to penises of all shapes and sizes.

I’m not going to say size doesn’t matter, because there are obviously differences and the couple in question needs to treat those differences accordingly in order to have good sex. But what all men (and women) should focus on is how they make their partner feel, and how they feel with their partner. I haven’t encountered a dick so large that I ran away screaming (yet), but I’d like to think that I’d try to work with it, if the guy were worth it. I’d also like to think that ladies will give a small fellow a chance before writing him off completely. And I’d like to think that the guys in the middle can accept that they don’t need to brag — or even think — about how they measure up. It all comes down to chemistry and movement, not length and girth. That, and loving your damn dick for what it is.

After all, how can I love your dick if you don’t?