Belgium's Nacer Chadli, left, is congratulated by a teammate following Belgium's 1-0 victory over South Korea to Belgium during the group H World Cup soccer match between South Korea and Belgium at the Itaquerao Stadium in Sao Paulo, Brazil, Thursday, June 26, 2014. (AP Photo/Thanassis Stavrakis)

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SAO PAULO – The United States is playing Belgium in the World Cup next Tuesday and Belgium is the favorite.

Belgium. Not Brazil. Not Argentina. Not Germany.

Belgium.

Belgium should not be favored over the United States of America in anything but waffles and windmills.

View photos Belgian fans cheer after Belgium scored a goal during the 1-0 victory over Russia. (AP) More

Yes, it's a nation of superior life expectancy, literacy and general happiness … but who cares about those things? Listen, Belgium: You're going to have to step up your senseless homicide and childhood obesity rates before we take you seriously.

This is a complete disgrace to the United States. Sure, soccer hasn't traditionally been the primary sport in our country – even if it was, half our team is from Germany. There has to be a bare minimum standard, however, and having to cower in fear of the mighty Belgians is it.

[Related: How Team Belgium overcame love triangle]

Belgium has just 11 million people, which is like, what, a Dakota and a half? (Not certain since I was too lazy and distracted to look it up. You want worker productivity? Go hire a Belgian.)

These guys are Canada-Lite, one of these perfect, nice, polite, pretty countries that take pride in the fact they all ride bikes and recycle and don't unilaterally invade other sovereign nations.

There is no place for someone like this on the global stage of the World Cup, where each match is life and death … literally in some places if you blow a critical assignment.

The U.S. has now reached the elimination stage in consecutive World Cups for the first time ever. It is time to start acting like we've been here before and that requires learning to hate our opponent, no matter how insensitive and xenophobic it makes us. This stuff isn't for the faint of heart.

Supporters of real soccer powers so revel in their desperate ignorance and self-loathing offensives it's a wonder Ann Coulter isn't actually a fan.

There are so many angry South American countries in the round of 16 that a soccer-inspired intra-continental war seems inevitable (wars among South American countries are fought exclusively by biting people on the shoulder).

View photos Instead of heading to the round of 16, Russia has an early World Cup exit. (AP) More

Had the brackets broken differently – namely both teams being better – we could have had a USA-Russia matchup, aka "the Miracle on Brazilian dirt painted green so it looks good on TV." Now that would've excited everyone since the winner would've earned the right to determine the fate of the Ukraine and those stray dogs in Sochi. Plus Putin might have shown up shirtless with a pet mountain lion in tow.

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