For anyone wondering why the New Orleans Saints have not yet extended QB Drew Brees, the real reason why was recently leaked after an odd closed door meeting. Brees is not asking for money or years on his contract, he's asking for a great deal more.

In a Shark Tankian-like setting, Brees is quietly sitting at a table while Saints' GM Mickey Loomis makes progressively wilder offers. To everything that Loomis has said, Brees has looked over at his agent Tom Condon, who has quietly shook his head to every offer.

Here are some of the deals that Brees has turned down thus far:

-11 years, $35 million/year, $250 million guaranteed

-An indefinite contract with a blank check.

-A blank check.

-"Oh my god Drew please stop doing this to me."

-"You can have what you want just let my family go."

-"Oh wait you didn't take my family."

-"You can have what you want just let my sanity go."

Throughout the debacle, Loomis has looked more and more like Christopher Lloyd's "Doc" from back to the future, and most recently he offered Brees a dagger and plead for the QB to "end it and sacrifice me instead."

This led to a brief intermission in negotiations when Brees has Loomis sedated. Brees didn't seem particularly perturbed by the outburst, but was smirking a little bit the entire time. As he walked out the door with Loomis slumped over his shoulder, Brees addressed the congregating media and said "I expect a deal to be done sooner rather than later," before walking off laughing maniacally (an odd decision, given he had taken only two steps away from the media).

When asked what would settle the contract, Brees said that he wanted a 51% stake in the New Orleans Saints and GM responsibilities, stating that "I can't think of a way to alienate a fanbase faster than to make personnel decisions, but high risk high reward."

Brees is still saying that he expects a deal to get done soon, and Loomis remains incoherent. He has been brought to the local Lazarus Pit for rejuvenation, and contract talks are expected to resume once he awakens from his slumber.