When I started writing publicly about my personal walk with Christ four years ago, I was pretty transparent with my belief that if a ‘gay’ person becomes a believer – like I did – it was highly unlikely they would ever experience a change in their sexual urges.

I’d heard stories of people who claimed that they became “straight” through psychoanalytic exercises – by telling themselves they were attracted to women, listening to CDs telling themselves they were attracted to women, writing lines telling themselves they were attracted to women (I know all that sounds silly, but people do it! #smh). And I chalked all that up to a bunch of bunk.

You can’t psychologically persuade yourself to be attracted to the opposite sex, and I was never going to waste my time trying. I also refused, and still do refuse, to pursue a situation where I have to force or fake feelings for someone in hope that maybe the forced/faked feelings will become real in the process. That wouldn’t be fair to myself or to the woman I would be using as the test subject in my homo-to-hetero experiment.

My belief that my sexuality wasn’t going to change didn’t mean I thought I could act out on my feelings. I believed (and still believe) that homosexual desires are a result of The Fall. Every descendant of Adam and Eve – except for Christ – has been born with a corrupt nature that is inclined toward sin. I believed (and still believe) homosexual desires are one of the many consequences of this deep brokenness and should not be embraced as good or acceptable. I believed (and still believe) with all my heart that acting out on them is sin and is strictly prohibited.

So what did I see as my only option when I came to know Jesus? Singleness.

“This is my Cross to bear; my thorn in the flesh”, I told myself. “I am the way that I am. I desire what I desire. I can’t change it, and I don’t think God will change it, so I accept lifelong singleness and celibacy as my lot in this life. It’s a sacrifice, sure, but knowing Jesus is worth it.”

And that’s true. He is worth it. Lifelong singleness is a small price to pay in light of the great price Jesus paid for me on that cross. However, I was making a lot of assumptions. I assumed God didn’t have any interest in working in the romantic areas of my heart. I believed God was all-powerful and could perform miraculous works, but I assumed that redeeming my sexuality – at any level – was not a way he wanted to exercise his power.

I assumed that Satan would ride a unicorn through the snowy plains of Hell under a flock of flying pigs before I would ever experience what people call “natural affection.” There was no possibility, in my mind, that I would ever be attracted to a woman.

Until about a 10 months ago.

In early 2014, I was connected with a girl through a very matchmaking-happy friend of mine. At the time, I was not excited about it. I was anticipating never having a relationship, and therefore, I wasn’t out looking for one. And the girl my friend was trying to set me up with was also less than interested. She had just endured a rough break up and wasn’t out scouting for a potential relationship either. We both, in unison, uttered a resounding “NO” to our matchmaking friend.

And then around October, we randomly started to talk over Facebook. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation was initiated; one of us probably posted some snarky thing that other one found hilarious. Anyway, the Facebook chatting led to texting, which led to actually hanging out. And after that first “hanging out”, we pretty much communicated constantly. We chatted via text messaging every day, and two to three times a week we’d meet up for dinner. Our times of hanging out were super casual – nothing fancy. But it was a blast. We enjoyed one another’s company, conversed easily, and actually found each other to be pretty humorous (and I never think people are funny; so that’s saying a lot).

One night as I was sitting across from this girl in downtown New Orleans and we (and by “we”, I mean mostly me) scarfed down fried pickles and talked about random things, important things, and even sarcastically bantered back and forth, I realized something. I really liked this girl – and no, not just in a “friend” kind of way. I’ve had lots of mere female friends. This was different. As I sat there listening to her, laughing with her, and even laughing at her (am I a jerk?), I was drawn to her. In that way.

As time rolled on, my attraction to her intensified. As I grew in my emotional attraction toward her and in my romantic care for her (which were both completely new experiences for me), my physical attraction to her began to grow. It wasn’t as strong as the attraction I’ve experienced toward men, but it was definitely real and present and growing. I had never anticipated feeling even the remotest inkling of desire for a woman, so what was taking places in my heart was utterly shocking to me.

I was really worried about the whole “I used to date guys” thing deterring her, but to my surprise, it hasn’t. I think her exact response to that was, “I understand grace and redemption. Who would I be to hold someone’s past over their head?” I can’t tell you how comforted I was by those words.

Unfortunately – I’ll go ahead and drop the ball now – this relationship did not work out. We’re still friends and talk nearly every day. The last message I have from her in my phone is from 10:53 PM last night. But for a myriad of reasons (one of which being that we now live about 400 miles apart), romance is not currently in the picture for us. Nevertheless, my experience with this girl has been a massive blessing to me and I view it as coming straight from the hand of God. Through it, he has opened my eyes to so many biblical truths and realities I wasn’t seeing clearly before. Here are just a few:

The Lord’s healing work really isn’t reserved only for the age to come. He wants to heal us now, work in us now, and change us now. In whatever ways and at whatever pace He pleases. He wants to glorify Himself and the sacrifice of His Son by overflowing toward us in transforming mercy and grace, today.

By His grace, I don’t have to be boxed into this “forever a celibate ex-gay” identity. I very well may end up being celibate and single for the rest of my life — just like many other Christians out there who have never even experienced homosexual desires. But I don’t have to live my life under the presumption that my life before Christ and my current struggles are absolutely going to keep me from marriage – if the Lord would have me to be married.

Sinful desires do not have to be non-existent in order for good, godly desires to grow and flourish. I have feelings for this girl, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t suffer with same sex desires. I do. I’m still tempted. I think that we, the Church, need to stop viewing healing in same sex attracted people as an ABC 123 process. I think we too often come at it like, “well if we can get rid of the same sex attraction in totality, then the natural affection will come.” I don’t think it works like that. Like, I don’t think sanctification works like that– period. As followers of Jesus in the “in between times,” who still presently dwell in fallen flesh, there is going to be constant tension within us. This tension between the desires of the flesh and the desires of the Spirit will remain until this mortal body is swallowed up by Life.

My point is this: healing can and does come in the midst of brokenness. God isn’t waiting for your soul to be clean enough for Him to work in you. He mercifully enters into the messiness of our brokenness.

Now, does my experience with this girl mean I’ve been “healed of homosexuality” or developed a “heterosexual orientation”, as people like to phrase it? No, it doesn’t. I have not experienced a 180-degree change nor have these fallen desires exited my human experience. Though homosexuality doesn’t dominate me – for in Christ I have died to the ruling power of sin – I am still tempted to sin homosexually (and in a million other ways).

I have experienced some level of opposite gender affection for this specific woman, and honestly, I’m hopeful that I will experience that with another woman someday. But there’s no guarantee that will happen. I know many Christians will disagree with me on that, and if you do, I’d ask you to read this blog post, I wrote a few months ago about the reality and purpose of Christian suffering. If I do go on to marry and have a godly, thriving relationship with a woman, that doesn’t mean that the temptation to commit homosexual sin won’t be present. As I said earlier, sinful desires do not have to be non-existent in order for good, godly desires to grow and flourish.

I’d like to end this super long post (props to whoever stayed tuned!) by offering some advice to the Christians reading this who have loved ones in their lives who are currently embracing homosexuality. Brother or sister, it is totally possible that if your loved one comes to Christ, God may eventually lead them into natural, godly marriage. But it is also possible he may lead them into singleness and designate them for the front lines of Christian ministry.

Singleness is not a lesser calling than marriage. In many ways, single people are more useful to the Kingdom of God than married people (1 Corinthians 7).

My advice to you in your witnessing efforts with your gay loved one is to not paint marriage and a “good, easy life” as the great hope of the gospel. Jesus didn’t come to give us the American Dream; Jesus came to bring us back to God. Heterosexual marriage isn’t the prize of the gospel; Jesus Christ is the prize of the gospel. And God is more than worthy of a lifestyle of singleness if that’s what the Lord calls one to. So lift up Jesus. Only Jesus. And if you’re loved one comes to faith, let Jesus decide whether they experience the joy and fruitfulness of marriage or the joy and fruitfulness of singleness.