"I know this is totally weird, but I love doing taxes. Like, I don't care whose taxes they are, or if the person whose taxes I'm doing are gonna do my taxes afterwards, but sitting down and filing federal taxes for the spring quarter is like, my favorite thing to do for hours and hours. I know you're not supposed to talk about how you 'like' doing taxes, and everyone is like, 'Ew, you actually like doing taxes?' but like — Yes! I love doing taxes!"

Have you ever heard anybody say this out loud? No, because nobody, not even professional accountants, not even Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, likes doing taxes this much. But replace "doing taxes" with "giving blow jobs," and it's utterly within the realm of possibility that you've heard a woman say this. Probably in mixed company — or, if she's that far gone, among a group of female friends. Acting like you enjoy copious bone in your mouth is somewhat akin to a humblebrag. "I'm sick of hiding it: I'll scream from the rooftops that I'm naturally thin and beautiful!" "Fuck this, I will not be judged for my spectacularly privileged upbringing!" "You can't make me ashamed of being white anymore!"

The depressing truth is that statements like these are often a gambit for male attention, a way for a woman to prove that she's somehow cooler, less prudish, or more "into" sex (a unicorn) than other women (regs horses). I know this because I used to be one. When I was a senior in college, I once told a guy I really, really liked that I could only have an orgasm from penetration. Not only was this a massive lie (I was actually a virgin at the time, so ROFLcopter), but the kind of lie that came ready-made from some kind of self-hating, sexually dysfunctional, all-female workshop. It is similar to faking orgasms: If we're all pretending to be unicorns, not only are we all screwing ourselves over by denying ourselves access to real sexual pleasure, but we're ruining shit for women who haven't drank the sexual peer-pressure Kool-Aid and Krazy-Glued a horn to their foreheads.

I'm not saying that it's normal to feel like you're getting Sex and The City 3-plus-mace-in-the-eyes torture every time you give someone a blow job. It is healthy to love giving a person you like, or are even sexually attracted to, pleasure. It is normal to love the free and easy exchange of oral sex between yourself and your partner. But there is not a woman in the world who physiologically gets her rocks off on unreciprocated, random dick-sucking. You know how I know that? Because our clits are not in our throats, that's why.

But, Anna, that's so sex-negative!

No. It's not sex-negative to point out that if we all stopped playing pretend that we are super-fucking psyched to go down on some guy on the second date (most of whom, I have found, do not return the favor until you've gone out for at least a month, which is total bullshit), some of the sexual inequality in the dating scene would be corrected. It's not sex-negative to not let some guy you barely know convince you to just blow him a little bit before sex, not just as foreplay, but as some weird requirement that doesn't involve him going down on you in return before full sex. Female oral sex is the guy doing the girl a favor; male oral sex is expected as foreplay in many cases of casual dating. Basically demanded.

Everybody say it with me, okay? I solemnly swear that I will not pretend that going down on a dude until he comes and then watching The King of Queens until we both fall asleep is the epitome of my own sexual satisfaction. Unless Kevin James really gets you going.

But, Anna, I really do get off on dick-sucking!

Are you sure you don't just like (or even are just sexually attracted to) the dude to whom the dick is attached? Are you sure you and/or said dude are not providing any additional sexual stimulation to your breasts or clitoris while you are providing said dick-suck? A good litmus test of whether this is actually true: Would you get off on going down on a disembodied penis via glory hole? Personally, I don't know a whole lot of (actually, any) women who would.

If you're still saying yes to all of this: Do you also happen to be a woman who also doesn't have any female friends and prefers hanging out with men because women cause "too much drama?" Because, in my experience, these two overlap.

But Anna, I'm just more into sex than most women! Just because SOCIETY isn't comfortable with a woman who likes sex this much doesn't mean I should pretend to be a NON-UNICORN!

Dude, are you aware that your super-outside-the-box Chill Girl Who's In To Blow Jobs thing has been fully packaged for you by the mainstream media? Female oral sex has always been marginalized while blow jobs receive the reverse treatment in pop culture. The same week that Michael Douglas's HPV quote got condensed into a Salem-esque "Cunnilingus gives you cancer!" scare, an article came out on the Huffington Post about the myriad health benefits of semen. And THAT, right there, is the society that's quote-unquote "casting judgment" on your unbridled love for selflessly pleasuring dudes. Way to fight the system, champ.

Outside of porn made for male enjoyment, if there is an actual real live woman who gets off on sucking on a vibrator with no additional stimulation anywhere else on her body, I will put on a high school sports mascot outfit and twerk to "Wop" by J.Dash at your place of employment. But until then, I am nobody's fool about this. Deep Throat was a monster success because every man in America was obsessed with fantasizing about this nonexistent woman who could be sexually stimulated by blow jobs. Forty years later, like some twisted form of evolution, women have attempted to "adapt" to become this fantasy. We don't need to do it. Do you see men attempting to adapt into Cary Grant? No. We could be focusing on some way cooler form of evolution. Like growing gills or some shit.

Follow Anna on Twitter.

Image via Touchstone

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io