Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is apparently a fan of spanking, having requested that multiple adult film star mistresses spank him with various magazines featuring his face on their cover, but his spanking fantasies do not end there.

Several guests of Mr. Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort told The Halfway Post that the President spent most of his time during his latest trip there asking his guests if Mueller spanking him would be “hot.”

“It was locker room talk to be sure,” said a wealthy socialite, who requested anonymity beyond her occupation in order to avoid jeopardizing her membership at Trump properties. “But that was the topic of the night on Friday in the dining hall. Donald walked around to every table touching base with his resort members and steering the conversation to the subject of Bob Mueller. It appears he really has a thing for spanking. You know, I believe this Stormy Daniels. She is very obviously not lying about all of this, and, besides, I naturally find myself concurring with any capitalization of talent. Ms. Daniels is capitalizing the tobacco juice out of Donald. You go, girl!”

According to other Mar-a-Lago diners, Mr. Trump both denied reports that he compared his mistresses to his daughter Ivanka and vividly compared his mistresses to his daughter Ivanka. Also, it appears that Mr. Trump has been fantasizing about Bob Mueller being a mistress of his.

“Donald was really worked up the other night, and it was kind of obvious he had really been thinking a lot about the Mueller investigation,” explained a retired banker, who also requested anonymity beyond his former employment. “He explained to me somewhat exhaustively how Bob Mueller’s cheekbones were a little higher and more muscularly pronounced—which clearly made quite an impression on the President—but he insisted that Ivanka’s narrow bird-face still made for a more charming effect. For men, though, Donald conceded that Bob Mueller was a ‘hunk.’ Let me tell you: I have been listening to Donald wax poetically on his daughter for many years, and it is seriously a relief to hear him talk about a non-incestual muse for once.”

Some guests, however, were turned off by Trump’s submissive fascination with FBI justice.

“I don’t know what got into Donald that night, but I don’t know if I can ever look at him the same way,” said a long-time Trump friend and business associate. “He told me that the adult film star spanking rumors were all 100% false, and that only a loser would do something like that, but then he launched into, like, a ten-minute spiel for a movie he claimed repeatedly was totally fictional and not based on any true events. The movie’s plot is basically that a president breaks the law and then gets caught by a ruggedly handsome FBI director who cinematically dominates him with close-up montages of the FBI director very physically arresting the president, throwing him in the cop car, undressing him for detention processing, spraying him with a hose, interrogating him with soft torture that he promised would not be gratuitous but would be, quote, ‘gratifying,’ and then the plot finally crescendos along with faster and louder music in a scene where the FBI director spanks the president with a Russia newspaper in his dark jail cell with just a single incandescent lightbulb hanging from a wire from the ceiling above them. To be honest, that scene actually is pretty cinematic in how Donald has framed the shot in his mind, but for some reason the FBI director is shirtless like the whole time. Donald said he thought the film had potential, and that all the best movie companies were considering it. Then he said he was thinking about casting his daughter Ivanka in the ‘hot secretary’ role. My only reaction was ‘oh boy.'”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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