Warning: This post may have triggering moments for some: while this is still a blog post about an animated series, this animated series touches on very, VERY heavy topics. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD.

A painting of Bojack drowning.

When I was a kid, I spent a big chunk of my time watching cartoons. From “Tom and Jerry” and “Looney Toons” to “Kim Possible” and “Dexter’s Lab”, my childhood was filled with classics. These series told stories in a way kids like me at the time would understand. They were silly, they were funny, and sometimes, they were very real. (Watch “Ed, Edd n Eddy’s Big Picture Show” to see all three qualities at the same time in a kids’ show.)

Yet as I grew up, I lost the cartoon bug, for the most part. Yes, there was “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy” to feed the kid in me, but those were nostalgia hits. (I do credit Stewie Griffin for keeping me alive at my worst.) I thought I had graduated to your thrillers, dramas and live-action comedies. I assumed animation could not give me the depth or the emotion I needed to identify with its characters.

Then I met Bojack Horseman.

Bojack being interviewed by Joe Rogan.

For those who haven’t watched the show, it’s a doozie. Bojack is an anthropomorphic horse and has-been celebrity trying to recapture his best in the glamour of Hollywoo[d]. He is a narcissistic asshole with alcohol issues. His friends are flawed as well, each in their way. And it is watching those imperfect individuals, living through their trials, tribulations and personal growth (or decline) which makes this show so captivating and real.

I could spend hours upon hours ranting and raving about every single episode. I could tell you the long, winding stories that the creators of this show wanted to tell. I could rant about Bojack, Diane, Todd, Mr. Peanutbutter, Princess Carolyn and co. But that would be wasting your time and mine. Instead, I’d like to touch upon some of the moments I relate to in this series. These were moments that resonated with me. These were moments I felt from the bottom of my heart or moments that hit me the hardest. These were also moments that reflected an aspect of my mental state. I was able to process these moments and use their insights to deal with my issues and grow as a person.

Tell Me I’m Good, Diane: On One’s True Nature

Bojack trying to reassert his good nature through Diane at his book panel.

For most of the first season, this series is hilarious, crazy, and dumb. You expect nothing more than a new spin on slapstick comedy. Slowly but surely though, the depth and substance build. You start feeling invested in the characters, especially in Bojack. Then out of the blue, the horseman hits you with the scene above.

A bit of context: Bojack had hired Diane, the woman he’s talking to, to ghost-write a book about him. She depicts him as the selfish, flawed human being he is, and he doesn’t like that. He gives her some harsh words and breaks their relationship. Yet, for some reason, he feels remorse. We see Bojack be self-aware of his state as a “sinner”, as he attempts to have Diane confirm that he is not irredeemable.

I choose the word “sinner” because of how I relate to this scene. You see, I may (hopefully) not be a selfish, narcissistic shithead, but I can be self-destructive. I do have the capacity to make mistakes, to fuck up, to transgress the boundaries set by both human society and divine providence. I’ve had many moments where I’ve sunk into thinking I was unforgivable trash. My upbringing as the son of a devoted Muslim mother doesn’t help. Yet these words from the rapper Kendrick Lamar describe it best:

“I am a sinner, who’s probably gonna sin again. Lord, forgive me…”

This realization of imperfection and self-awareness is what hit me hard in that scene. I may look for confirmation of my good nature from God, and Bojack may look for it from Diane. But both of us, and everyone being tortured inside by his/her perceived imperfections seek that reminder. Tell us we’re good…

I Don’t Know How: A Snapshot of Depression

In the middle of a fight between Bojack and Mr. Peanutbutter on the set of “Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things?? Let’s Find Out!”

Where do I even begin with this one…

At this point in the series, Bojack’s life seems to be amazing on the surface. He’s got the gig of his dreams, a loving girlfriend, cash for days, fame, and a close group of friends. Yet he remains bitter, eaten alive by his inner demons. When Mr. Peanutbutter, the usually chipper dog, calls him out, Bojack’s response stops everyone dead in their tracks.

You see, I know that feeling all too well…when everything seems to be going your way, but all you can feel is pain. All you want to do is scream, cry, crawl under your bed, sleep and never wake up, ever. This is textbook depression, pure and simple. And as someone diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I tend to live with these moments. It ain’t pretty, and it hurts even more when you see it in action.

Mr. Peanutbutter’s exasperation with Bojack is, in of itself, very telling. We’ve all had those situations where one of our friends was letting his/her mental issues consume their being and make them do things that are messed up. It’s tough to see a loved one go through this, and it’s tougher not to be able to understand them or what they are going through.

Stupid Piece of Shit: Stuck In My Dark Thoughts

Inside the mind of Bojack Horseman…and my mind, too.

“You’ll never be good enough for this world.”

“Nobody will ever love you. Just look at how your ex left you…”

“You might as well quit it all and resign, you stupid piece of shit.”

One of the hallmarks of living with anxiety and/or depression is having to listen to your self beat you down incessantly and repeatedly. All the self-loathing, the broken record of unyielding hate and self-disgust, it gnaws on you. It makes you start giving up in yourself. Slowly but surely, you give in and seek refuge in your vices, in the things that make you hate yourself. You become a worse person, and the self-defeating cycle continues.

All through the episode where this moment appeared, we saw the above play out with Bojack. The dark thoughts torture him and feed into his alcoholism. That alcoholism drives him to do shitty things, and the shitty things he does only increase the volume of those dark thoughts. This is how anxiety, depression, and unhealthy ways to deal with their effects work.

Yet that moment in particular, where Bojack is sure the people around him are eating him alive, I know that all too well. I do identify with the cycle I described above. I live with it every day. Yet it is when I’m around people that I feel it the most.

You see, I’m not the most charming guy on the face of the earth. I’ve got my quirks, and most of the time, I don’t hide them. I always try to be myself in the most authentic way. Even that healthy choice can cause anxiety, though. Us humans care about what others think of us, and I am no exception. When I saw Bojack thinking that way, particularly in front of the two women closest to him, his mother and his sister (who at the time he thought was his daughter), I cracked. All those times I felt that my friends never loved me, or that my family never cared for me, they rushed back hard.

And speaking of family…

Everything Is Worse Now: Fuck Funerals, Can I NOT Lose My Mother, Please?

Bojack Horseman at his mother’s funeral.

Bojack Horseman and his mother, Beatrice, did not have the easiest relationship. She was an emotionally abusive woman who belittled her son at every turn. Bojack was not the most exemplary man (or horse, whether he’s more man or horse is subject to debate) either.

Even he, though, could not contain himself as he had to eulogize and bury his mother. As he gave his speech, you can very clearly see the pain he is going through. The winces, the look in his eye, the sorrow in his voice even as he tries to crack jokes, it’s all there. If you’ve ever lost loved one, you’ll easily remember those indicators of great suffering.

Then Bojack hits you with those words for the first time:

“My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.”

This scene hit me hard for two reasons:

It reminded me of my dad’s funeral. And my uncle’s. And my grandmother’s. Saying goodbye to the people you love sucks, man. There isn’t much I can say about my father that I did not already say in my last post. But knowing that you’re going to have to bury your dad and say goodbye to him for the last time is heartbreak like no other. The same goes for my uncle and grandma, both of whom I miss very much. It made me appreciate my mother. Bojack’s mom was far from a loving mother. Yet even until the day she died, Bojack yearned for her love, even as they insulted and mistreated each other. With all that, you can see him tear up and, in the following episodes, reach new lows due to that loss. I take that and compare it to my relationship with my mother. She is a loving and nurturing soul who, despite our generational clash and huge differences in mentality, never ceased to care and support me. I cannot imagine losing her. I dread the day she passes away, even as I face that inevitability and try to get ready for it.

Peace Be With You: The Solace of Things Getting Better

The crossover episode finally happens!

I’ve taken you through some of the more heart-wrenching, darker moments of Bojack Horseman. But I want to end this on a high note. The seventh episode of Season 6 shows us that even Bojack, in spite of his misdeeds, can get over his issues and emerge a better person. I’ll be talking about that episode rather than a single moment because the whole episode was heartwarming.

Bojack leaves rehab and returns to his home, an encapsulation of the man/horse he was. So he tours the US through several flights, catching up with his close friends along the way. He apologizes, once again, to his ex and agent Princess Carolyn for everything he’s done. But this time, it feels different, sincere. He flies to Chicago to meet Diane and ends up supporting her through her bout of depression. He then cleans up her house without telling her as a final act of kindness before he moves on. He sets up his asexual friend Todd by having an asexual girl bunny join Todd’s asexual dating app (which only Todd is in). He decides to take a job at his sister’s university to build a proper relationship with her. He even gives Mr. Peanutbutter his coveted crossover episode (see the picture).

I loved this episode with all my heart because it showed that there is hope yet, for everyone. Bojack still has to face his sins, just like the rest of us. But if he, with his litany of transgressions and inner demons, can surpass his issues and get out of them a better person, then so can I.

This episode gave me relief. It gave me solace, and it gave me peace. This episode, like the whole series, showed that we can endure inconceivable darkness.

Us human beings (like our anthropomorphic animal brethren) are blessed with incredible fortitude. We’ve been given the ability to exhibit empathy, self-awareness, vulnerability and inner beauty. Such qualities twinkle at our best, but they shine brightest at our worst.

I’ll leave you with one final quote, from the show itself. A quote that captures exactly where I feel I am in my journey:

“It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see that it doesn’t have to be that way. Only after you give up everything, can you begin to find a way to be happy.”

— Cuddlywhiskers

Thank you so much for reading this long-form! Be sure to check out my other posts as part of “The Passion Project”. You can find me at @passionprojlb on Twitter, @thepassionproject.blog on Instagram, or via email: thepassionprojectbloglb@gmail.com.