Don’t worry, you’re going to see that highlight at least two more times in the preview.

NEVER A DOUBT TROJANS. NEVER A DOUBT. Okay, some doubt. Actually, a lot of doubt. Mostly doubt.

Another week, another blog where I am completely off on all my predictions and I look like an idiot (or an ESPN analyst). For those of you keeping score at home, I’m 3-4 which is the opposite of the Trojans record. This is not a coincidence. I’ve spent the first six weeks predicting the Trojans to win every game, and the week I finally lose some confidence in the team and predict a loss, they pull one of the biggest upsets of the year. I know they were favored by six and half points, but when an unranked team beats the number three ranked team in the nation, I don’t care what Vegas says, it’s an upset. We now know how Utah has a salt lake: it is filled with their fans’ tears.

I never completely lost faith. After a very long and successful happy hour on Friday that lingered into the regular price hours, I convinced myself of a USC victory and I made it known through my social media. I posted a Tweet and even a Facebook status that changed my prediction and received one “Fav” and one“Like”. I’ll have to swallow my pride and check my Timehop app, but I don’t think I have received less recognition on social media since freshman year of college when I used to post statuses about my former high school football team. Go Padres!

Aside from the two people who acknowledged my prediction change, I’ll take this time to eat crow. I did not see the Trojans coming out of this game with such a dominant win. In fact, I don’t think a majority of the fans predicted what was going to unfold last Saturday. If we had any chance to win, I’d thought we’d squeeze out a one to three-point victory at the last second. But I was wrong, and I couldn’t be happier because this is what USC football should look like. Dominant and disciplined with a lot of flash. Walking out of the bar Saturday night, I was happy, relieved, and full of optimism. I came to realize this is what it should be like every week. Our parents didn’t pay our tuition for anything less.

This week marks the annual trek of Trojan Nation up to the Bay Area for the game, and by game I mean an excuse to party in San Francisco for a weekend. Undergrads will be using their fake IDs (most will be unsuccessful) all over the city, becoming convinced that East Side West is actually a popular bar which will then prompt them to make the mistake of moving to the Bay after college.

It is also Halloween weekend, so we will find out if last week’s game was a trick or a treat. Prop bet to watch: will there be more drunk Cal students dressed as “Sark After Dark” or points scored by USC in this game? Too close to call to be honest.

Recap

The Good

“Cameron Smith is awful in zone coverage. He could not read any cross routes during the Stanford and Washington games and it cost us” – myself, Saturday Morning during a Breast Cancer Awareness 5K

I am specifying when and where this quote was taken 1) because cancer sucks and 2) after Saturday you won’t see any pink for another eleven months or else you’ll receive a huge fine by the NFL. I picked the wrong day to critique Cameron Smith’s zone coverage. I also picked the wrong person to tell those critiques, as he is the loudest and most obnoxious USC fan out there.

What a day for Cameron Smith, though. Three interceptions with one returned for a touchdown. Definitely the difference in this game. After his performance against Utah, Smith was inducted into the Ginger Athlete Hall of Fame right between Andy Dalton and half of Blake Griffin.

Looks like the coaches searched through the couch cushions and found where Ronald Jones and our running game was hidden. After moving away from the running game in the second half of Notre Dame, the Trojans ran the ball forty-five times which lead to over a hundred yards and four touchdowns. Justin Davis still receives the majority of the carries. This is probably because Ronald has stone hands and any time he comes in the game even Helen Keller can see the play call. Despite that, he still found a way to run over seventy yards and a touchdown. Need to get some superglue on those mitts of his so we can throw him in on a pass play or two.

This is all you need to see to know about JuJu’s performed on Saturday. I’ve never seen a more disrespectful play in my life. Utah’s Dom Hatfield should be forced to transfer to a FBS school until Smith-Schuster leaves for the NFL draft.

Schuster continued the disrespect after the game.

And through out the next week, directing his Instagram followers to a “link in his bio” which is this Vine:

Smith Schuster is already 1st Team All-American in trolling. Transferring might not be enough for Hatfield. He might need to retire immediately.

Or should I say Smith-SHOEster. I’ll see myself out.

When you lose, you’re “Captain Checkdown,” but when you win, you’re a “Game Manager.” Cody lead several long mistake free-drives down the field that were crucial in controlling the time of possession and keeping the defense rested and off the field. He also shook off that pesky habit of avoiding to throw the ball past the line of scrimmage. Cody had several deep balls to his receiving corps, including someone named De’Quan Hampton. Really enjoying that extra depth this year. Thanks NCAA!

Check out the Bash Brothers on the sideline. Maybe they should take some time off from watching “D2” on repeat and read up on concussions and CTE.

This game was going so well for us, even the holder was in on the celebrations.

Not even going to make fun. I’ve celebrated much more for a lot less including: making the last cup in beer pong, running a mile in under 8 minutes, or hitting 11 likes on my Instagram.

Act like you’ve been there before. The fans in the Coliseum did not embarrass themselves by storming the field. This may be because it was a twenty point game in the fourth quarter and everyone left but I’m taking this as a win.

The Bad

The injury bug bit again and it may have been carrying the West Nile virus. On defense, safety Marvell Tell III broke his collarbone and is out six to eight weeks. On offense, our starting center, Toa Lobendahn tore his ACL and is out for the rest of the year. Lobendahn had replaced Max Turek who also suffered a season-ending injury earlier this season. USC is now down to their third string starter which is less than ideal. Since we are lacking depth on the offensive line, we should hold open tryouts for students who have gained the freshman 15 and then some. That, or we can enroll some sumo wrestlers into a couple liberal arts classes.

The “Adoree’ Jackson Experience” is not going how I imagined. After getting burned more than a couch in West Virginia, Jackson only played two defensive snaps, spending the majority of his time on offense and special teams. While Adoree’ plays extremely well on offense, he tries too hard to make something happen on every punt and kick return. He’s like that friend of yours who only wants to go out to get laid then proceeds to hit on and strike out with every girl at the bar. Sometimes you just need to read the situation and make the smartest decision. That friend of yours is hopeless, but if Adoree’ can let some punts go or call fair catch when he senses the defenders are nanoseconds away from lighting him up like a Christmas tree, he’ll put the offense in better field position

It says a lot about your school’s hiring process when your team performs better after you fire your head coach. But now knowing this information, I think we’ve found a strategy to become relevant again: fire the head coach every week. If only interim coaches win at USC, then we need a new one every week. Next coach up! This strategy might be flawed when we run of coaches and have a Traveler leading the Trojans against UCLA in November.

Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

NOT DEAD YET!

Whether you believe it or not, USC is still very much in play to win the Pac-12 South and earn a bid to the Pac-12 Championship game, which will mostly like be a rematch against Stanford. In order for us to get revenge on those nerds, we will need to win the remainder of our games and hope UCLA (or anyone else really, we aren’t too picky) beats Utah.

While we are on the subject of UCLA, let’s talk about our favorite long nose quarterback, Josh Rosen. Rosen received some media attention this week when it was revealed that he had an inflatable hot tub in his apartment complex.

First off, at least make the video look authentic. This thing was more staged than a Jimmy Kimmel prank. Second off, while it may seem fun and newsworthy that a freshman quarterback has a hot tub in his apartment, I’d be sick of that thing after one day. That thing is just going to turn your room into a swamp and become a cesspool of disease, especially if Arizona chicks are taking a dip.

The hot tub was removed after Rosen posted his shenanigans all over social media and UCLA caught wind of it. Guess they didn’t want to see their campus flooded twice in two years. Also, UCLA has apartment buildings without hot tubs? Be more poor.

Game Preview

School: University of California, Berkley

Berkley aka Bizzerkly is the most liberal part of the most liberal state in the country. They love their trees; whether it’s smoking them or sleeping in them for months to protest the construction of a new athletic facility.

I bet that was great for recruiting. When the protest came to an end, one of the female protesters actually threw fecal matter at the police when they eventually tried to drag her out. I have so much more respect for USC Sorority Girls.

Can’t wait for Cal students to protest my blog for saying something that offended them.

Their Band

Normally I don’t even bother with team bands unless they are truly awful *cough* Stanford *cough*, but when you do this kind of shit, I have to chime in.

How pathetic do you have to be to team up with your opponents’ band to make fun of USC? First off, no one was watching your terrible Thursday night game. Second off, we are flattered. You made yourself look liked that jaded ex-girlfriend who consistently tells you how well she is doing while posting cryptic Facebook status and Instagrams about how much she misses you. Nothing shows more jealously than making fun of our school for being so good at football for a decade that we got a documentary out of it. I wouldn’t hold your breathe on a “30 for 30” Cal. Unless they start making five-minute shorts then you might get one made for you about the “The Play” which is the last significant athletic achievement your program has done. You losers couldn’t even win a Pac 12 title with Aaron Rodgers or Marshawn Lynch.

Their Team

This team has one notable player: Jared Goff. He receives so much attention you’d think he plays every position on the field, both sides of the ball (he has punted four times this year so touché Goff).

Jared Goff has been receiving so much hype as a potential number one draft pick mostly because NFL scouts don’t want to overlook another Cal QB with an ounce of talent. They passed on arguably the best QB in the NFL, Aaron Rodgers, and don’t want to look like idiots again.

I’ve never really seen Jared Goff perform well mostly because I don’t like to watch awful football. That’s a lie, I’m a 49ers fan. But it’s hard to see where all the hype is when he’s beating up Washington State on ESPN 12.

In the two games I have watched him, he has struggled until the game is out of reach, then thrives in garbage time. These two games were also the only time Cal played a ranked opponent.

Jared Goff will be an NFL Bust. Quote me on that. Unless he doesn’t, then never bring it up again. That’s how sports journalism works.

Kickoff Time: 12:00 PM

This is what happens when both teams lay eggs during primetime: you get downgraded.

Despite the fact that this is the closest USC game by distance for myself, I won’t be attending for a multitude of reasons. One, the game starts just about when I’m getting over my Friday hangover. Two, their stadium is trash. They talk about all their renovations, but I went to a game and they still didn’t have backs to their seats. Three, I’m not going to take public transportation while feeling like shit just to sit in the sun sober while Jared Goff waits until he’s down 28 to start showing off that NFL arm. It’s Halloween and I rather be watching the game at a bar dressed as a minion paying for overpriced mimosas while subtlety comparing my overalls and goggles to the other minions at the bar. Hold the orange juice please.

What’s the Line? (USC -6)

Current Record (1-6)

If you’ve been taking my picks and betting the other side, you should be a billionaire by now. Don’t even know why I keep doing this section. Take USC with the points.

Prediction

Last week, USC came out and played a near-perfect game and won. Cal played sloppy and was blown out before halftime. This can only mean one thing; a Freaky Friday-esque role reversal. Now I’m not saying the Trojans are going to lose, but this just feels like a game where it will be hard to keep up the standards of play that were set last week due to the numerous injuries and playing on the road.

This game is going to be a shootout. Both offenses are loaded with talent. The game might be decided on who has the ball last. Hopefully when Justin Wilcox conducts his weekly routine of asking his Magic 8 Ball whether he should the pressure the quarterback, it will answer “Signs point to yes.” If that happens, the defense may be able to force mistakes from Future Houston Texan Jared Goff. At the very least we can give him some “Hard Knocks”.

This would be the part of my prediction where I reverse jinx and pick USC to lose, but that would, in fact, jinx my reverse jinx, so I’m picking the Trojans to win. USC currently has an eleven game winning streak against Cal. Let’s make it a dozen.

USC 42 Cal 35

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Emma, Melinda, Sammy, Heather, and Tommy

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places