Fifty people went out to dance. Fifty people were murdered. This sounds unusual, but in America, it's all too regular for people do regular things in perfectly regular places only to get gunned down by a man full of masculine rage, whose beliefs are more important to him than other people's one and only life. Some people pray for the world, some people share progressive thoughts, and others retreat because this atrocity was one atrocity too many.

I myself won't pray because I've seen prayers go unanswered for far too long. I'll share posts on Facebook and retweet inspiring folks on Twitter, but that's mostly to make myself feel better because deep down I know the people that need to listen to what we have to say aren't listening. I won't retreat because I truly, without moral shame, hate our oppressors so powerfully that I refuse to let them lead conversations or leave our futures in their careless hands.

That said, I don't feel hope because I simply can't. I don't choose to be devoid of hope, because what really is a life without hope? The reality for me is that we live in a world where gay people are still attacked, people don't understand the difference between sex and gender, bisexuality is considered a phase or stepping stone to something, and trans people are murdered on the regular and abused by a disgusting world that would then like to portray them as the perverts we need to look out for in the bathroom. Why then should I expect a dominant white, religious, cis-gendered, heteronormative society to value queer lives enough to make a change they haven't made for decades now?

They didn't value the lives enough of the students murdered at Columbine to make any legislative change. They didn't care about the kids at Sandy Hooks, the churchgoers in Charleston, the moviegoers in Colorado, the innocents at Chapel Hill, or the victims in San Bernardino. Why should I believe in change when none of these broke the metaphoric camel's back? I value queer lives but I know this country does not, as it does not for most of its supposed citizens.

I don't want to bring people down or use this as a platform to complain. I simply want people to be realistic. We can't wait on the government to take action because they won't. We need to stop posting and start waiting outside government buildings and screaming until we lose our voices. We need to bring them back the anarchy they set upon this country that has since swallowed it whole. In case you missed it: CHANGE IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN UNLESS WE ACTUALLY PUT IN REAL EFFORT.

I want to have hope and be able to go to sleep tonight without feeling guilty for being alive and not doing more, but I can't. What I want to see is the queer community, particularly those of us with the most privilege, to use the time and resources afforded to us to help build the mold for a queer movement that pulls in issues like gun control that affect us all. We were able to get marriage, which lord knows angry bigots fought tooth and nail against, so maybe we can help win some other really tough battles.

Today I'll absorb everything that has happened and think about how I can use my voice to fight against a government whose homophobia is blocking sexually active gay men from donating the blood that Orlando desperately needs right now, and whose fear and paranoia allows people to buy automatic weapons whose sole purpose is to quickly and efficiently kill people. I encourage you to do the same and to reach out, publicly and privately to the queer folk in your life. Hopeful or hopeless, we need to support each other today.