Anarchy

It was a Sunday morning, I awoke hung-over looking like I had just taken part in that Spanish Bull Run and I smelt like a C-section. It was that kind of hangover where dignity seems like a fleeting memory from a past life, the concept of living in a modern society amongst scholars, innovators and learned men and women seems like an idea from a distant past. I was on my own now, I had to go back to basics: Put food in, Sleep, Put food out, Masturbate.

After 2 weeks of eating healthy and training every day I knew it was going to be a special day. My new found detachment from society gave me a hedonistic view on the world, and I thought bollocks to it, I’m going to seek the highest amount of pleasure possible to a human outcast of modern society, I’m going to McDonalds, and for the walk to McDonalds I’m going to buy 3 Greggs sausage rolls and on the way back I’m going to buy 3 krispy kreme donuts, because fuck all y'all and all y'alls rules.

While at McDonalds waiting in the queue something beautiful happened. I couldn’t decide what to buy and thought to myself, ‘Aww i wish mum would let me get all of them’, then I thought that’s stupid I’m a 25 year old real life man with a full-time job, a slightly ginger beard, and my own flat, then I thought ‘Aww i wish society would let me get all of them’, and I remembered, you’re not part of this society anymore, you’re free. One more interaction with this nice lady in a McDonalds hat and we’re home, doors locked, bed turned into den, 3 McDonalds burgers turned into one… my own eutopia of hedonism.

The interaction at McDonalds however didn’t go as smooth as I would have liked, I made the mistake of asking her to assemble this foul depraved miscreant of a meal rather than ask for the ingredients and under-go the construction in the privacy of my den. What I got was a look that I can only amount to 3 things; Pity and Disgust with a hint of admiration. I thought to myself, if only you were one of us, a guardian of true beauty, but no, you remain a slave to these imaginary rules in this intrinsically sick society that looks down on the few who choose to think outside the burger box. They were disgusted at Einstein when he said E=Mc2 but look me in the eyes right now and tell me that Mc2 is not equal to E. You can’t. My Equation isn’t all that different, Eutopia = Mcdonalds Squared, although it’s only a slight improvement on Einstein’s theory.

So anyway yeah she looked at me as if I’d just invented the dildo right in front of her, like a kind of: “ewww what are you doing, what is that?! (oh my god as soon as I get home i’m gunna try that)”. I realised the error of my ways, asked for the separate ingredients and made my way home.

Next Sunday I’m going to Eat a 60th Birthday cake. I do not know anybody who is 60 next Sunday. Freedom.