In the movie "The Parent Trap," twin sisters intricately plot to bring their divorced parents back together. And, of course, they do. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Does this happen in real life? Well, not much, according to research by Nancy Kalish, professor emeritus at California State University in Sacramento and author of "Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances" (William Morrow).

In her study of 1,001 reunited couples from around the world, only about 6 percent said they married, divorced and remarried the same person. On a more positive note, though, 72 percent of those who reunited stayed together, particularly if their separations occurred at a young age.

Philadelphia divorce attorney David Steerman recalls "four or five" such reunions in the last 12 years of his high-volume practice. "The more common result is once divorced, they stay divorced, but there are those exceptional couples who figure out how to make it back to one another," he says.

In the most recent reconciliation Steerman recalls, the divorce process took two years, and the couple remarried soon after.

"The couples I know of from personal experience had a passionate relationship and bond and really cared for each other, and while the divorce wasn't great, there was always one person who didn't want the relationship to be over," he says. "In two situations I'm thinking of, they both realized the grass wasn't as green on the other side of the pasture as they thought."

Jim and Danielle Dolente, a reunited couple from Malvern, Pa., were divorced after Jim cheated on her. Yet, they say they never lost touch or stopped caring for each other. Even in the midst of new relationships they wanted to be back together.

Today, Jim readily admits that his infidelity was a big mistake, but the couple agree his affair was really a symptom of problems they had with communication, which in turn led to misunderstandings and quarrels. Neither actually knew what they had or how to save it. And they came from disparate backgrounds, his more privileged.

"If people want to remarry, it's important to be aware of what the issues were and be in a better place to deal with them," Jim Dolente says, acknowledging that he wasn't emotionally mature enough to "look in the mirror and make sure" he wasn't taking the easy way out over his own shortcomings.

For her part, Danielle says she's now a better listener who is less prone to quick-trigger criticism.

"It just feels now like the 'for better or worse' people talk about," she says. "If (things) are bad, instead of running for divorce you run to each other and try to work it out. It's always work because you're always changing."

Open communication

Relationship experts agree with the Dolentes: There has to be behavioral change and growth, whatever the reasons for the divorce. They also recommend seeking professional help to acquire the tools that will encourage self-reflection and open communication without blame.

"There is power in knowledge, so you need to go into the marriage a second time and understand you're entering a second marriage. It's not the same as the first one," says Laurie Puhn, a relationship coach and author of "Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In" (Rodale).

"You need to change yourself, and your mate needs to change herself, or you'll simply repeat the problems," Puhn says.

For a successful reunion, "both of you have decided to have a sense of humility and allow for a new awareness of what roles your communication skills and your actions played in the fights that led to a divorce," Puhn adds. "You have learned new ways of disagreeing without being disagreeable."

Find the real problem

Rachel Clark, a science writer whose "Marry, Divorce, Reconcile" blog on PsychologyToday.com focuses on remarrying your former spouse, has personal experience.

"It was never the marriage," she says. "It was a habit of thinking that questioned and doubted. That spawned negativity instead of positivity, and I can say that came from my childhood," because her own parents had divorced.

"The most important part of all of this is that I had no idea of the bond my husband and I had created together when we got divorced."

Clark cautions her readers to be very circumspect about divorce in the first place.

"People who get remarried after divorce have to realize that they still loved each other," Clark says. "A lot of us, when we get divorced, come to the idea we don't love each other anymore. We think that because we don't feel love for each other that we don't love each other, and that's not actually true."

That said, Clark agrees there are plenty of people who should get divorced — and stay that way.

sunday@tribune.com

When you want

to try again

Relationship coach Laurie Puhn offers this advice for couples who want to remarry:

Work at improving your communication skills. Some marriages end simply because the couple did not have the tools to settle differences without fighting.

Forgive. Each partner is to blame, but each also probably did the best he/she could at the time. Understand you can't bring up old hurts when your mate makes a new mistake.

Take your time. Spend at least a year in a loving relationship to find out whether you're still on the love/hate roller coaster before remarrying.

— R.A.