I purchased a copy of Hello magazine the other day. I must have been on the virgin cross country right-wing pendalino because I tried to buy something to read and it was either Hello, The Telegraph or the Daily Mail, and my thought process was along the lines of , ‘in the event of a derailment , which of these publications I would feel most ok about being seen dead with?’. Working on the assumption that none of my esteemed readers read hello magazine I am going to provide you with a summary of what I learned for my two quid.

Britishness is a Very Important Concept.

The Oscars just happened and it is very important that one black person and some British people did well. It is very important that some people even wore very expensive dresses designed by a British Person, and there was a British man involved in putting on the actual Oscars show and he was very proud to be British. It is very important that some people went to other people’s parties after the Oscars, especially as it raised money for Charity, (and Charity is very important, see below) in fact they even raised a tiny fraction of the cost of one lady’s necklace for charity. And Something Funny happened which was when thin people ate some pizza. Some thin people didn’t eat any pizza but some thin people did and that was Very Funny. And then lots of people had their photo taken (and it was nice because even that nice Benedict Cumberbatch was there and he is British) and that was Very Funny too.

Charity is a Very Important Concept.

There is a lady called Tamara Eccleston and she likes to go into hospitals and smile and poorly children because charity is very important. This ladies Dad is a Billionaire and so she likes to help out by smiling at the poorly children and talking to their mums because if your child is horribly ill it makes you feel better if a very rich lady smiles at you and it Raises Awareness. And there is not enough money for poorly British children so we need Charity, and so Tamara Eccleston donated her fee for being in Hello magazine to charity. Prince Harry is also doing lot of work for Charity, as a lot of people have had their legs blown off fighting in wars and so if he plays volleyball sitting on the ground with them they will feel much better too.

Kate Middleton is a Very Important Person

So it is very important to know lots of things about her. Like how she went on holiday with her family earlier in the year but now she has chance to Top Up Her Suntan because she has gone to Mauritius with her husband. She has not taken her son with her, she has a new Spanish nanny who is a very good nanny, which is really nice for her so she can do lots of swimming in something called an Infinity pool and get her tan just right. Kate Middleton is so important that her sister Pippa is de facto important, and also likes to go on holiday and do skiing. And sometimes when she skis she can even raise money for Charity.

It is Very Interesting and Important when people buy lots of expensive things.

Especially when is is Kate Middleton or Tamara Eccleston buying them. Kate Middleton is very busy buying things because she is decorating Another Big House. She is going to use different people to help her decide how to decorate it than she used for her other big houses, but she is probably going to choose a lot of the same very Expensive Rugs which she really likes, from a shop she really likes where she likes to go and have a coffee afterwards and write about the rugs in a notebook, which is very interesting. And it is very good because her husband is paying for the decoration All By Himself, from some millions of pounds he inherited when he was thirty.

Tamara Eccleston is going to have a baby so her sister threw her something called a Baby Shower, which is a special party where you buy lots and lots of things because when you bring a new life into the world it is a really special opportunity to buy lots of things even before it is born. Someone even bought Tamara Eccleston’s baby a Jacuzzi, and Tamara Eccleston didn’t even know that Jacuzzis for babies existed, but she was very happy to have one. Tamara Eccleston also donated her fee for the article about the baby Shower to charity too, for poorly children who do not have Jacuzzis.

It is not longer Important for women to have facial expressions

Lots of the women in Hello magazine no longer have any facial expressions. But this is ok because it does not effect their ability to wear dresses and necklaces and buy things. There is a lady called Anthea Turner who is sad because her husband has cheated on her, but it is ok becuase she has had something to done to her face so now you can’t tell she is sad. And she has managed to design a range of furniture to help people store more things, because she really feels that is what people really need. Her husband left her for someone twenty years younger who presumably had facial expressions so it was important for Anthea Turner to have lots of pictures taken in her bikini because she is Suprisingly Thin and Muscly for her age, and that is a very important, much more than having facial expressions.

So there you are! That’s you all up to speed with your right-wing celebrity gossip. Bring on the botox!