DAYTON, OH—Having run out of every other possible way to kill time, local couple Mark Lippeatt and Darcy Hatfield began the process of ranking all the lamps in their apartment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Okay, so the living room floor lamp scores major points for overall brightness, but I’m still going with the mid-century modern desk lamp based on sheer aesthetics,” Lippeatt said as he and Hatfield each filled out a hand-written list in which they ranked the eight lamps in their home on attributes such as craftsmanship, energy efficiency, beauty, functionality, total lumens, and warmth of glow. “I have to ding the lamp in the hallway because the on/off knob always sticks and it really pales in comparison to the sconces, which get high marks both for their appealing design and their use of LEDs. Wait, hold on—did you really rank that ceramic elephant lamp from the thrift store above the Tiffany lamp with the Edison bulb? Seriously, Darcy? Well, I suppose I should have known I’m the only person in this house who appreciates a bit of fucking elegance when he sees it. I swear, sometimes I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.” At press time, reports confirmed Lippeatt’s old lava lamp from college had been disqualified after it was smashed to pieces during a blowout argument.

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