LONDON – With Boris Johnson’s Conservative Party regaining a strong majority in the latest election, a new Brexit Deal has finally been reached. The United Kingdom will be de-united, freeing Scotland to do its own thing that it was pretty much going to do anyway, and giving control of Ireland to China in exchange for Hong Kong, but only for 99 years.

Citing the brilliant trade negotiations of Temporary President Trump that saw China take ownership of Vermont in exchange for Meihekou, Johnson says he is confident that this new deal will be great for Britain, which will no longer be called Great Britain after the loss of Scotland. It will be called Fine Britain for the time being, pending a decision by Wales, which is waiting for a better offer. There was some talk about Wales being sold to the United States, but the offer fell apart once the White House realized that it was not a part of Greenland.

“The people have spoken,” said Johnson in a speech after his party’s victory. “They have confirmed their trust in me, and I have not let them down. We will not have a no-deal Brexit. We have a deal-deal Brexit. The deal is, we get to leave, nobody is going to trade with us anymore, and we can’t leave the island for a while. But we have a deal! And Hong Kong. I don’t anticipate any resistance from the citizens there. They seem like calm, reasonable fellows who won’t mind a foreign power gaining sovereignty over them.”

The deal is set to go into effect on January 1st, 2020, giving the people of Ireland and Hong Kong just under three weeks to prepare for the changes. Johnson confirmed that this is plenty of time, and that the best thing to do is to not think to closely about anything he is doing, as the scrutiny itself may cause the very problems that some are fearing could happen.