There they are. The man or woman of your dreams. Perfect eyes, perfect hair, above average-sized hands, they're everything you've ever wanted!

You approach them slowly, butterflies forming in your chest. What will you say? Will you open with a simple “Hi,” maybe followed by a “What’s your major?” or maybe a fun fact such as “According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”

You get closer. Your nose detects the pleasant smell of day old Chipotle, your favorite smell, wafting from their direction. You approach them, ready to speak.

They turn around.

And that’s when you see it.

They’re wearing a Make America Great Again hat.

If you successfully manage to hold in your vomit, you have a couple of choices here. You could do the rational thing and run away from this disguised beast wildly waving your arms in a circle, yelling “Not today Satan!”.

Or, if your target has a tighter grip on your heart than Donald Trump has on Paul Ryan’s soul, you could attempt to pursue your target, regardless of the hat on their head or the philpussygrabia that plagues their heart.

In order to attract this wild beast known as the Trumpanzee, you must be willing to become like him or her, at least in conversation.

Step 1- Reach out and grab them hard by the…

*at this point oatmeal was unfortunately spilled on the keyboard and this post was submitted without the completion of step 1*

Step 2- With your hand still on their shoulder(as it is the only reasonable place to grab another human being), introduce yourself and begin with the usual small talk before transitioning into political talk. Maybe compliment their hat or state a universal truth such as “Mike Pence is quite the spicy hunk of meat am I right?”

Step 3- Once your target realizes that you share their political beliefs and their desire to bring America back 300 years, you can engage them in political talk. Start with complimenting them, obviously objectifying them as much as you can, using your immense knowledge of the best words such as “tremendous” or “yuge” or “CHHHHINAA.” For example, a line you could use is, “Hey, I know the best people, and let me tell you that out all of them you are the nastiest woman. Believe me, you make my Little Marco huggggeeeeeeeee, and, when it comes to that body you have just done a tremendous job, really just tremendous.” (stick your two thumbs up and nod approvingly).

At this point, your Trumpaloompa will no doubt be smitten with you. As you have successfully acquired your target, we would normally wish you well, and the strat would be completed. However, this strat is for the long term. If you want to keep your Trumpkin, you’re going to have keep your facade up for much longer.

Tip 1- One of the yuuuuugest problems with dating a Trumpturd is that you’re going to have a hard time finding entertaining things to do with them. Obviously, you can’t do anything in the outdoors because it's always crowded due to the liberal tree huggers. You can’t take him or her to a nice movie either, as those elitist Hollywood snobs have infiltrated the business and turned every movie into liberal propaganda. Star Wars Rogue One, a film about rebels facing against an evil dictator? Liberal propaganda! The Bee Movie, a film that advocates for outlandish inter-species romance? Liberal propaganda! Paul Blart Mall Cop, a film that shows that those in minimum wage jobs don't just sit on their ass? Do I really have to spell this one out?

[Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Also, real life video of Democrats on Election Night)]

Instead, try to support some of the many artists that defend the Tangerine Tornado, such as Kanye West, and Yeezy, as well as....umm.... Yeezus and Ye...just to name a few. At least when future President West takes office you can say you were a day one supporter.

Tip 2- In relationships, arguments are bound to happen. When they do, do not fret. Politely and calmly state your claim and back it up with a plethora of true indisputable facts…

Remember you’re a winner. You do the best things, all the things. If your worse half tries to argue with you, don’t even bother giving him or her the pleasure. Just tell him or her to quit their whining and wipe off their triggered liberal tears. After all, you beat all the other males or females attempting to acquire them, which means everything you do is the trait of a winner and therefore acceptable.

However, if your lady or man friend still won’t back down, you may have to resort to more advanced techniques that require extensive knowledge and wisdom to execute. These include but are not limited to the following:

Directing their anger to a different target, namely, the privileged and fortunate. No, not those Goldman Sachs bankers. We’re talking about the disabled. Those healthcare-leaching bourgeois have it made. Many of them don’t even have to open doors, and some even get to sit down all the time! Whenever possible hurl insults at these elite class of citizens.

Dismantling their argument by calling them fake news. For example, if your hypothetical partner, let's call him Brad , disagrees with you about when your dinner reservation at Krazy Karson’s Kave starts and asks you what time you’re supposed to go, effectively retort by saying “I’m not going to give you a question Brad . You know why? Because you Brad are FAKE NEWS!!!!!(cue airhorn)” Brad will be so shook by your eloquently stated argument that he will never question your judgement again. #makeBradgreatagain2k17

Using alternative facts. They’re like real facts except really into Green Day and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Also, they are 100% absolutely not true.

If all else fails, throw your soon to be ex-lover off by spitting out lies like you’re a fascist in Hitler’s Germany or Putin’s America. Blatantly false statements like “Climate change isn’t real,” “Nobody respects women more than me,” or “Ben Carson isn’t bats*** crazy,” tend to do the trick.



Now, get out there and make America great again!