My contempt for parliament is matched only by my contempt for the public, insists Theresa May

Theresa May’s government has been held in contempt of parliament for withholding the Brexit deal legal analysis, but has been quick to point out this is not unusual as she holds the public in a similar amount of contempt.

Though a government being in contempt of parliament is a democratic fist in the UK, Whitehall insiders have insisted people shouldn’t read too much into it.

As one Whitehall staff member told us, “Some people are trying to make out that Theresa went to extra special lengths to hold parliament in such contempt, but we’re merely pointing out that she is this contemptuous of everyone.

“Not giving the tiniest of shits for the rights of groups or people is what this government does. Whether that is a disabled benefit claimant, a voter wanting to be listened to, or parliament itself. We don’t care about any of it.

“If anything, our disdain for anyone and everyone shows how we don’t discriminate – but you won’t hear anyone talking about our equal treatment of all minorities, will you? Apparently being a shit to everyone isn’t news. Typical mainstream media.”

Members of parliament have been equally unsurprised by the contempt vote.

Backbench Tory MP Simon Williams told us, “I have never been under any illusion how much disdain the PM has for me and my kind – the chief whip never misses an opportunity to remind me.

“She’d have contempt for me whether I was a backbench MP or a voter asking for her help, and I think there’s something beautifully egalitarian about that.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!