Photo: NBC

How would TV’s most beloved characters navigate social distancing? We asked dozens of showrunners and writers to answer that question. Below, 30 Rock creator and star Tina Fey and writer Sam Means imagine what a coronavirus episode would look like for Liz, Tracy, Jack, Jenna, and TGS.

Tracy has already contracted and survived the virus (“My snakes eat bats and then I use my snakes to practice French kissing, so it was inevitable, Liz Lemon!”), so he would declare himself an immune “green person” and set out to help. Tracy: “Like Mister Rogers said, ‘Look like the helpers.’” So, dressed as a firefighter, he would volunteer his time delivering illegal box jellyfish to the elderly.

Jack would try to get Liz to go to the secret GE island off the coast of Connecticut: “It will just be the top executives, any wives under 40, and yes, Lauer will be there, but only because it was built into his deal years ago.” Liz refuses to go because of her desire to be egalitarian but also because everyone would probably be barefoot. Pass. She would shelter in place like nobody’s business and still somehow dodge sex with James Marsden.

Kenneth would be the most prepared, having grown up Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity and observing its End of Days Countdown Calendar, which is different from most calendars. “For example, we’ve only had Christmas twice, but Easter is every four hours.” Jack would offer to buy Kenneth’s cupboard of canned chickpeas for a million dollars, but Kenneth would just give him two cans for free. “Hoarding is a sin, sir! Just like skateboarding or riding a horse you’re not related to!”

People would piece together that Pete actually disappeared ten days ago with all of the snacks and hand sanitizer from craft services.

Lutz would refuse to do social distancing because he believes this is “an election-year hoax.” He’d turn out to be the asymptomatic carrier that infected everyone at spring break even though he’s almost 60.

Jenna would be upset when a photo of her butt in jeans is used as a CDC “flatten the curve” meme. Also, she might try to blow Governor Cuomo. Also, she’d try to worm her way into that “Imagine” video.

Dr. Spaceman would be tapped to replace Dr. Fauci. Trump has been “very impressed” with Leo since 2002, when he helped rebuild Rush Limbaugh’s ears out of discarded prostates.

Dennis Duffy would be selling masks made out of foam St. Patrick’s Day visors. Personal protective equipment is so scarce that a doctor is seen on the news wearing a shamrock mask that reads “Fit Shaced!”

Frank would be freaking out because his awareness of social distancing is ruining porn for him. “I know they filmed this in the ’90s, but I can’t help feeling concerned for them.”

The cast of Queen of Jordan would all create competing PSAs that become increasingly catty to each other. D’fwan directs his “Stay Home” PSA directly at Portia because she upstaged his dog’s christening with the emergency recall of her new fragrance.

Hank Hooper would rather die than stop hugging people. RIP, sweet Hank Hooper.

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