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WELL, that’s the Winter Olympics over for another few years… four, we’re sure. If the summer games are anything to go by, that is. We’ll be honest, like a lot of people, the Winter Olympics failed to hold our attention for very long. That’s because it was missing several important winter sports that would bring in viewers by the millions:

1) Catching snowfalkes on your tongue

A beloved childhood pastime, ripe for contention as a fast-paced, no-holds-barred Winter Olympics thrill-fest. Picture it now; hundreds of people running round with their tongues out, slow-motion shots of snowflakes landing in peoples mouths, vicious sliding tackles as people desperately try to get that one last snowflake. Make it happen.

2) Throwing snowballs with rocks in them

Snowballs are good, but do you know what’s better? A snowball with a rock purposefully buried in it, that can be thrown at twice the speed and do nine times the damage. Look, if you want Olympic gold, you’ll have to put some eyes on the line.

3) Pushing weaker people into yellow snow

OK, so picture sumo wrestling, but with five lads teaming up to throw one kid into a freshly-made patch of urine-soaked yellow snow. And then they have to lie in the yellow snow, crying, while the other lads all laugh and point at them. We loved this at school. We made so may losers just bawl.

4) Handfuls of snow down the back of your jumper

Again, another playground classic. The winter update of ‘kicking water from a puddle at people’, sticking handfuls of snow down someone’s back leaves them cold and miserable throughout the whole day. It’s perfect. Imagine it in the Olympics… maybe you could get a medal if you were the person who got pounced on and snowed, but you managed to make it through the day without crying or telling the teacher.

5) Flat out bullying

We don’t remember much snow-based activity that didn’t involve victimising smaller people, so flat-out bullying is pretty much all we have to offer. Still, beats the curling, eh?