Atlanta, Ga. – Airlines in the United States rejoiced upon receiving an intercepted recording from the terrorist group al-Qaeda, according to reports from government and flight industry insiders.

Details of the message’s content were sketchy but included a statement from high-ranking officers in the terrorist organization that claimed the group was “finished trying to hijack planes” and that the add-on charges for flight amenities and overall stinginess of the airlines were the main reasons for their new policy of “never flying again”.

“This is awesome!” Delta spokesperson Tammy Fisher crowed. “By removing all the expensive and exhausting security procedures from ticketing and boarding procedures, we can finally afford to treat our passengers with dignity again.”

Members of the Islamofascist network were angry but resigned to the realities of the faltering industry, which continues to be weakened by rising fuel costs.

“In the name of Allah and all that is holy”, shrieked Muhammad El Shabaz, Osama Bin Laden’s number two man, “the increased fee for carry on bags alone is enough to question Jihad.”

Despondent suicide-bomber/pilot Kaliph Mustafah also chimed in, “I was all set to bring my vengeful fiery wrath upon the decadent western infidels but, c’mon, $2 for a Diet Sprite?! America truly is the Great Satan.”

Continental Airline executives were ecstatic, issuing a press release stating, “Our policy of ‘frill-free’ flying and charging customers for the pettiest of conveniences has finally paid off. Through our lack of foresight and unwillingness to listen to our customer base, we have joined George W. Bush and his administration’s winning vision in this great battle against terrorism.”