The following is satirical.

The excitement of the Democrat presidential race is heating up as the field narrows down to the make-believe Indian, the corrupt old man and the basically dead guy.

Senator Elizabeth Warren seems to have taken a substantial lead with her signature strategy of blending an energetic, professorial persona with complete dishonesty and a socialist agenda that would leave the American economy looking like one of those burned out cities in Gears of War with the gigantic wormy monsters exploding up out of the pavement and devouring everything in sight, then returning to their offices at the IRS.

At a recent rally attended by 150-thousand wildly cheering complete idiots and college students, but I repeat myself, Warren said, “As someone who has pretended to be a minority for career advantage my whole life, I understand the struggle of black people like Justin Trudeau and Virginia Governor Ralph Northam. And as a woman who lied about getting fired for being pregnant to make myself seem a victim when, as an American woman, I’m really among one of the most privileged categories of human being on earth, I think I understand how feminism works as well.”

Bernie Sanders, meanwhile, tried to showcase his socialist philosophy by having a heart attack and then insisting he be taken to Cuba for the free health care. He’s gotten back on the campaign trail, though some reporters have noticed he’s now made of wood, and the guy standing next to him moves his lips when Sanders speaks.

Joe Biden held his latest rally under a bus, where he’d been thrown by House Democrats who have developed a brilliant new plan to destroy Donald Trump by exposing Biden’s lifetime of nepotistic cynicism and corruption.

As for Donald Trump himself, he is taking advantage of the weak Democrat field by climbing to the top of the Empire State Building with a screaming blonde in one hand while he swipes airplanes out of the sky with the other.

Who among us is not looking forward to 2020?

Related: Warren Said She Was Once Fired For Being Pregnant. That’s Not What She Said Before.