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THERE was good news on the jobs front today, as several Dublin crime syndicates announced a number of vacancies, available immediately.

Suitable candidates will be well-versed in drug-trafficking, money laundering, racketeering, and menacing the public, with the ability to kill another human being without remorse considered a bonus, but not essential.

The hiring spree comes after several Dublin criminals of varying levels vacated their posts over the past few months, with some opting to move their operations to safe havens overseas, and many others becoming dead.

The new posts offer successful candidates a handsome remuneration package, flexible hours and the constant threat that one day the sun might shine through your torso.

“More and more positions are coming on-stream as the previous employees turn up in-canal” said one HR expert “And very little is asked of candidates. You don’t need that much education or previous experience, and if you know someone within the organisation, that will help with the application process, otherwise there’s a fairly rigorous screening process in place where you will have to convince your prospective employer that you aren’t a cop, a rat.

“New employees can start at a very competitive rate, and of course it’s all tax-free”.

The positions are believed to be the only ones in Ireland where a Garda background check happens after the hiring, and not before it.