Texts From The Lorax

Previous entries in the series can be found here.

THAT’S COMPOSTABLE YOU KNOW

I’m sorry?

POST-IT NOTES ARE ACTUALLY COMPOSTABLE

SO YOU SHOULDN’T THROW THEM OUT

Who is this?

I AM THE LORAX

the what

I SPEAK FOR THE TREES

okay well

thanks for the advice

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALSO COMPOST YOUR OWN HAIR

I didn’t know that

YOU CAN

SO ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THOSE POST-ITS OUT OF THE TRASH THEN

DID YOU GET THAT EMAIL I FORWARDED YOU

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF E-CIGARETTES

What email?

CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER

SOMETIMES MY EMAILS GET STUCK IN SPAM FOLDERS

I thought you spoke for the trees

I SPEAK FOR A LOT OF THINGS

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW MANY TAMPONS THE AVERAGE WOMAN USES IN A YEAR

I’m in class right now

I can’t talk about tampons

TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK

THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS

THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM

okay

ENOUGH TAMPONS TO MAKE A TRUFFULA TREE

THAT’S HOW MANY

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE DIVA CUP

That’s really personal, Lorax

NOTHING IS PERSONAL WHEN YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES

and tampons?

AND ALSO TAMPONS AND SOMETIMES E-CIGARETTES YES

I’ll think about it

THERE’S ONE IN YOUR PURSE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND

JUST IN CASE YOU NEED ONE TODAY

You put one in my purse?

You went through my purse?

OH YOU MEAN YOUR LEATHER PURSE

YOUR PURSE MADE OUT OF DEAD SKIN

this is too weird

I’m throwing it out

DON’T

don’t what?

DON’T REACH IN YOUR PURSE

Lorax if I reach in my purse what will I find in there

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN SOAP OUT OF DISCARDED COCA COLA SYRUP

WHICH MOST RESTAURANTS WILL GIVE TO YOU FOR FREE IF YOU ASK NICELY

Lorax are you in my purse right now

YES

Why

I FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS PUTTING THE DIVA CUP IN THERE

YOUR PURSE IS REALLY SOFT

oh wow

are you okay?

NOT REALLY

LEATHER IS REALLY SOFT

I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW SOFT IT IS

I’m sorry I made you touch leather

SOMETIMES I GET SLEEPY SPEAKING FOR THINGS

IT WAS JUST SO SOFT AND I WAS SO SLEEPY

Do you want me to let you stay in the purse for the rest of the day

YES PLEASE

I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH

Okay

CAN WE PLANT A TREE LATER THOUGH

I MEAN IF YOU HAVE TIME

JUST ONE TREE ON THE WAY HOME

Maybe

OKAY

BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WILL COME BACK

IF WE DO THAT

Maybe they will

I JUST HOPE SOME OF MY FRIENDS COME BACK

I know

YOU’RE MY FRIEND NOW TOO THOUGH

I know

SO I GUESS IT’S WORKING ALREADY

I guess so

MUST BE ALL THOSE POST ITS WE COMPOSTED THIS MORNING

Go back to sleep

OKAY THANK YOU