The last thing you should say to a woman who is desperately trying to have a baby is, ‘Try not to think about it.’ It’s all we think about

I’m 33, and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for three years. When we were ready, we threw caution to the wind and decided that if it happened naturally, it would be wonderful. Then as the months passed, we began to wonder if there was something wrong, so we got tested. My husband’s fertility is A++; his swimmers are practically Phelps-like in their speed and precision. My eggs, on the other hand, are a little more Humpty Dumpty.

In the past year I’ve been referred to doctors, specialists, naturopaths and acupuncturists. They all ask the same questions. And despite their years of experience, most of them still fill silences with ridiculous lines like, “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” The last thing you should say to a woman who is desperately trying to have a baby is, “Try not to think about it.” It’s all we think about.

We unlucky few reach a point in the road where we start living our lives period to period, or pregnancy test to pregnancy test. We wake and immediately calculate which day it is in our cycle. Is today a sex day? Am I ovulating? Every little pull or twinge in our tummies, we read far more into than we should. Imagine, then, how tough it is when all the practitioners tell you to lower your cortisol levels and stop stressing about conception.

Illustration: Lo Cole

I’m doing my best to remain calm and working every day on finding inner peace and fulfilment – even if my truest fulfilment in life would be to become a mother.

If you know someone who’s trying for a baby, don’t ask questions, and unless you’ve struggled with conception yourself, don’t offer advice. It doesn’t help.

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