Washington D.C.—

A White House staffer leaked to The Halfway Post that the Trump Administration’s new Chief-of-Staff John Kelly has started a new routine of giving President Donald Trump a brand new gold trophy that says “1st Place Prez” every two hours in order to keep Trump happy and positive so that he doesn’t decide to nuke random countries in his quest to be a historically memorable president.

The cost of these trophies, by sheer volume, is mounting, but the Republican majority in the House of Representatives, which is in charge of monetary allotments, rubber-stamps the weekly trophy expenses because spending ridiculous amounts of tax dollars to feed the President’s alarmingly fragile ego is infinitely better than America nuking North Korea, Iran, or any other country that upsets Mr. Trump.

The White House staffer told The Halfway Post that Mr. Trump almost called for a nuclear attack against Canada because he was upset that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was so much more popular than him, but Chief-of-Staff Kelly real quick drew up and printed a “Certificate of Achievement” from a Microsoft Word template that congratulated Trump for being the US president with the hottest daughter.

“That put him back into good spirits, and, quite frankly, saved Toronto,” said the staffer.

Mr. Trump displays his trophy collection in the Oval Office, and fishes for compliments on them when guests come in to discuss national issues.

“Mr. Trump is very satisfied that, even though Justin Trudeau is young, good looking, and loved, he is a Prime Minister, and therefore ineligible for a 1st Place President trophy.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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