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NEW YORK, NEW YORK — According to sources close-ish to the situation, the Department of Housing and Urban Development has received a request for a new set of boot straps from someone who is apparently quite familiar with their programs and incentives.

In recent days, reporting has emerged that Fox News host Sean Hannity sits atop a real estate empire worth millions of dollars. The investments Mr. Hannity made in a slew of properties in the wake of the 2007 global economic meltdown were backed by incentive programs run by HUD, mitigating an enormous amount of the risk Hannity take when purchasing the homes. Hannity has defended himself, saying that he is being “attacked” for investing his “own money.”

It wasn’t until it was revealed in court that Mr. Hannity was a client of Michael Cohen, however, that the public found out the radio and TV host held such a large amount of property in multiple shell companies. Those shell companies, designed to help keep Hannity’s identity private, were created with the help of Cohen, who is now under criminal investigation, which culminated in an FBI raid on his offices. Cohen is embroiled in scandal thanks to additional scrutiny of payments he made to adult film star Stormy Daniels, ostensibly to keep her quiet about a sexual tryst she had with President Trump while his third wife Melania was pregnant with his fifth child.



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Mr. Hannity’s critics have pointed out that the revelation of his reliance on government subsidies to back his real estate empire seems to fly in the face of his professed loathing of those who take “handouts.” Over the years, Hannity has consistently shone a spotlight on the issue of welfare and entitlements, and has routinely excoriated Americans for taking welfare or public assistance if they are able bodied and can otherwise work.

In a statement today, Hannity pushed back on that criticism, and announced he was taking steps to secure even more funding from HUD.

“My critics in the DESTROY TRUMP FAKE NEWS PRESS are once again way, way ,way off base,” Hannity said. “Sure, I took millions and millions and millions of taxpayer dollars to fund my slum lord empire, and sure I didn’t actually earn any of that money. But that doesn’t mean I’m taking a handout. It just means I know how to to make my bootstraps bigger and longer than other people. You go to HUD and you get them, for free. But again, NOT A HANDOUT!”

Hannity’s statement insists “it’s just different when rich white people take millions for free” than when poor Americans get a couple hundred dollars a month to feed themselves or their families.

“I pulled myself up by boot straps, okay? It’s just that my boot straps only got me so far, and I needed some diamond encrusted platinum ones,” Hannity writes in his statement. “I did not take welfare! I took corporate welfare, which we all know is totally different, and in fact ordained by the Lord Jesus Capitalist Christ himself! All this attention on my real estate portfolio made me realize I could use another hundred million bucks. So I’m officially asking my good buddy Dr. Ben Carson to approve me for some more boot straps. You know, because I’m a rugged individualist who doesn’t need no help from nobody…except my friends in high places, of course.”

Later in the day, Hannity was seen talking to a homeless person, who asked if he could spare some change. Hannity punched the homeless man in the throat, reached into his coffee cup, and took all the money out.

“That’s what you get for trying to be lazy and take advantage of me, Poor! Hope you learned your lesson,” Hannity spat at the man. “Fuckin’ Taker.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development, and the Trump Administration, were not reached for comment.

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