London, UK: Journalist Glenn Greenwald, who has been at the forefront of UK newspaper The Guardian’s coverage of government surveillance in the United States, has recently announced that he would be leaving the publication for what he proclaims to be “a once-in-a-career dream journalistic opportunity.” The offer allegedly came to him from a man dressed all in black and clutching a briefcase, who visited Greenwald at his previously undisclosed home in Brazil.

“It’s really the sort of opportunity that every news reporter strives to achieve,” explained Greenwald.

When asked to disclose the details of the opportunity, Greenwald stated, “Well, I don’t know much, but Mr. John Black stated that I would never need to worry about working to maintain my current lifestyle ever again. He also said that I would have the undivided attention of a whole species, and I wouldn’t even need to travel after I was settled in, as most of my reporting would be of the secret, underground variety. It’s really all I ever hoped for.”

When asked why he didn’t press for more information on the position, Greewald explained, “Well, he seemed like he was in a bit of a hurry, considering he took off in a Black Hawk helicopter. He left his briefcase and told me that he would be in touch with me when I had made my decision. I’m sure he misspoke and meant to say that I should get in touch with him when I had made my decision. How could he possibly know when I made my decision, right?”

The Guardian had recently been berated by British Intelligence personnel for thoughtlessly reporting news which could be considered dangerous to national and global security. Some of that news was due to classified documents released by Edward Snowden, a former NSA and CIA employee who has yet to agree to his own dream job by multiple men in black, who have been unable to track him down.