1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. Well, Joseph believed in the Trinity at first, but I think we fixed all the references to that kind of thinking by the time he changed his mind. Can we edit that? But we definitely believe in Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. And right behind Jesus Christ is Joseph Smith. We don’t worship him, please don’t get us wrong. I mean, he is the most important man who ever lived, since Jesus really wasn’t a man (demigod, you know). But we don’t worship Joe. We may ignore every horrible thing he ever did and exalt the good things he did, but we don’t worship him. Yes, we sing hymns to him, and pray a lot about him — but that’s not really worship. We don’t pray TO him. And we believe in the Holy Ghost; and in other ghosts not quite as holy, who might appear to you as you pray, or in the temple.

2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgressions. But YES for Eve’s transgressions if you’re a woman. You’re totes going to feel pain in childbirth for that mistake! Oh, and be subservient to your husband — also as a punishment. And YES if you’re gay — I mean that’s not a result of anyone’s transgression, but it is a sin of origin. If you’re born with that unfortunate desire, then you can still be saved as long as you don’t act on your desires. Or even think on them, really. In fact, your only hope to be saved is if you doom yourself to a life of frustrated celibacy or enforced heterosexuality. No, we don’t have an explanation for why. YES if your parents are gay — unless you are 18 and you renounce them as sinners like we do. YES, you will be punished for Cain’s transgressions if you’re black, or your great grandparent’s transgressions if you’re Native American. We don’t have an official ruling on Asians but we’re sure someone in your ancestry must have done something wrong — probably the tower of Babel guys. But don’t worry — your skin is only as black as your ancestor’s souls, and you can totally become more white if you’re a good Mormon — I mean pure, PURE is what I meant to say. Can we edit that? We’re totes not racist.

3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved (after all you can do), by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. And by donations to the church — LOTS of donations. That’s part of the obedience part. By ‘all mankind’ we mean all mankind who has heard of and accepted the gospel. So, you know, like 0.001% of the earth’s population so far. But we’ve made allowance for that, since we’ll totally baptize you by proxy after you die (even if you request that we don’t). Oh, and by all mankind being saved we mean that if you’re a man you can get in — but if you’re a woman you might have to be married into a polygamous relationship with one of the relatively few righteous men who make it in. And we also mean that if you’re black you can get in, but only as a servant. This will never change. Wait, can we edit that?

4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; and by ‘faith’ we mean knowledge — as we’ve redefined the term. Here’s how it works. The more vehemently you can assert that you rely on those things that you cannot know scientifically, logically, or in any real definition of the word ‘to know’, the more holy and spiritual you will seem, and the more praise and more honor you will get amongst your peers in the form of more exalted callings, like Bishop/Marriage Councilor and Stake President/Excommunicator. Faith becomes knowledge when you get a really good feeling about it. The more sincerely you feel something, the more true it is. When you feel that good feeling so strongly that it replaces all the fibers of your being, recreating you into the incarnation of that true principle, you’ll know for sure that what you think is true — as long as it doesn’t contradict the current teachings of the church. Your truth CAN contradict what Joseph or Brigham or any of the early prophets said, if that belief is inconvenient or embarrassing. Until you reach this level of faith knowledge, just go ahead and say you know anyway. It’s just a case of fake it until you make it. It’s totes not at all brainwashing.

Second, Repentance — and WHAT repentance! We have so many more commandments for you to repent of than other churches. In fact, we have just enough commandments that no matter what you did today, we’re pretty darn sure you did something wrong: you’re going to need to repent, or you’re on your way to heck. There’s a lot to do wrong, and that’s a lot of shame. And that’s just the mental state that we want you in. Shame on you for sex — for even thinking of sex. Shame on you for drinking — even Diet Coke (although we all do). Shame on you for eating if you do it too much. Or too little. Or if you eat too much meat (although we aren’t totally serious on that one). Are our rules confusing? Yes. Are there so many that it would be literally impossible to earn your salvation? Absolutely. And that’s the point, sinner.

Third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins (Seriously so, SO many sins);

Fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. Which we believe that we feel, but we don’t believe that anyone else feels — at least, not as correctly as we do. Because we have the gift of the Holy Ghost. If you feel something that you might think is of a spiritual nature, that’s the Light of Christ, that is given to all men equally. But we get to feel the Ghost and the Light at the same time. Did you feel it? Well, if what you felt makes you more likely to obey our commandments, then yes, you did. If it doesn’t, well, then… no. Sorry, that was totes BeJezebelZebub deceiving you, because he can do that. But we believe that we can tell the difference between the deceptions and the real thing. How? Because what we feel is in agreement with what is right — meaning, what the church teaches already, and what you’re feeling is contrary to what we already believe. Confirmation bias? Never heard of it.

5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. And by ‘called’ we mean ‘assigned’ — each member in our church is assigned to ‘callings’ that God totes told us to assign them to do. It’s a coincidence that God wanted my best friends to be my councilors in my Presidency. And the fact that you have a boat and were called as a YM advisor is just a coincidence, although you can claim retroactively that you felt ‘something’ when you bought the boat, and now you know what that something was — it was the Spirit preparing you to do your calling well. You can say no, of course, to a calling. But be prepared to be judged less righteous if you do. And even though God reveals these callings to us, we are going to compare and judge you based on which callings you’ve held.

6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. Well, not pastors or evangelists. Don’t ask me why that’s even in here. Can we edit that? How about we just equivocate that to mean Patriarchs or something. They had those in the Primitive Church, right? And we’re sure that the Primitive Church had Bishops (as long as they shaved their beards), and they had Apostles (who are ‘unpaid’ but never spend a dime of their own money). And we’re sure they also had Wards and Stakes and High Council and Seventies — wait, what are Seventies? Can we edit that? It totes doesn’t matter that our organization has changed more often than any church created in the last two hundred years — we have REVELATION, so we can make changes as needed and it doesn’t mean anything. Then why did we make this one of our Articles of Faith, you ask? Let’s just move on shall we?

7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. We’re not sure what most of those mean, but my cousin went to Japan on his mission and he totes learned how to say all the swear words within three months, so that could be the tongues gift. Or maybe that’s the interpretation of tongues. Then what’s tongues? It can’t mean French kissing, because we know that’s evil. I suppose my cousin could just be skilled at learning languages.

8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly –– Joseph Smith re-“translated” it, but we don’t really canonize his translation — we’re not sure why. But lots of what is in the Bible is in the Book of Mormon anyway, so if there are discrepancies, trust the BoM version that was totes NOT taken from the Bible; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. And we’re sure it was “translated” correctly. By “translate” we don’t mean that Joseph Smith looked at the plates in one language and then wrote the meaning of the words in a different language. We mean that he was inspired by things — sometimes by reading the Bible, or papyrus, and sometimes his own thoughts, and sometimes something called a Urimm and Thummimm. And NOT sometimes a rock in a hat. Then he wrote what he was inspired to write. No, there didn’t need to be any source document, language or writing — so it’s not translation in the strict sense of the word. But the Book of Mormon was “translated” By the power of God and the Urimm and Thummim. And NOT by a rock in a hat. Wait, can we edit that? It was mostly done by the rock in the hat, but that’s also the power of God, so it’s kinda cool, don’t you think? The fact that the same rock in the hat trick was used by Joseph Smith to con people into paying him to search for gold that was never found is a coincidence. Also, that has nothing to do with why we denied the rock in the hat method before, and only changed our minds when google made that information too public to ignore.

9 We believe all that God has revealed, as long as it agrees with what we already believe, and isn’t too embarrassing. If that happens, we believe in the “he was speaking as a man” clause. We believe all that He does now reveal, as long as it agrees with what we already believe. How is that a revelation? Maybe we need to put quotes around “revelation.” and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. We haven’t really had a prophecy, or a revelation, or a vision, or translated anything since Joseph Smith. But we believe in them. They might happen any day now. Wait, no — there was that revelation about making the Word of Wisdom WAY more serious than it started out being. It’s just a coincidence that it was given right during prohibition. And there was the revelation about giving black men the priesthood. It’s just a coincidence that it was given right at the end of the Human Rights Movement (and not at the beginning). But just recently we received a revelation that made us let women sit in our meetings and listen to us make decisions, so… now we’re totes progressive, right?

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We believe that each of us is a member of one of the Ten Tribes — either directly or by adoption. The Pastor Fortune Teller Patriarch will tell you which Tribe you’re a member of. We’re not exactly sure what that means, but it’s kinda cool, don’t you think?

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow demand that all men exercise the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. But we really wish they would believe the same as us — since we’re right. We don’t believe in forcing this issue, except that we’ll totally force this issue any chance we get, making laws that limit your ability (as much as is humanly possible) to do anything that we don’t believe in. No, NOT like Lucifer wanted in the war in heaven. Because he… because… because it’s just NOT, ok!

12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. We believe in Prop 8, and that we have the right to dictate the law. Also, we believe that you guys are gonna screw it up anyway, and the Constitution will be hanging by a thread. The Elders of Israel (that’s our name for ourselves — kinda cool, don’t you think) are going to swoop in and save the day. We don’t officially affiliate ourselves with any political group or party, but unofficially we’re totes Republican.

13 We believe in being honest (if historians reveal information that requires us to be), true (if apologetically so), chaste (SO chaste that we will gasp, and look away at the vision of porn shoulders), benevolent (SO benevolent that we will judge one another by the degree of kindness we can exhibit), virtuous (in fact we’re probably the only people who are, really), and in doing good to all men (who agree with us); indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul (that’s totally a thing, people!) —We believe all things (that we are told to believe), we hope all things (we are the only ones who are truly happy), we have endured many things (and none of them were our fault!), and hope to be able to endure all things (we’ve got emotional self-flagellation down to an art). If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things (in any previously Correlation-approved and carefully censored medium). We also eschew everything that doesn’t meet our standards. Even a little. Yes, this gets in the way of that last part about seeking, but we can’t risk exposing ourselves to things that might NOT be virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy. We want to avoid the very appearance of evil. We wouldn’t want to be tainted by association, and even though we believe in the power of discernment, we just don’t trust ourselves to use it, to be honest.