OTTAWA – Upon hearing that a lab technician was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus, Canadians were relieved to hear that the exposure only occurred in Winnipeg.

“Oh, thank God,” explained Diane Sinclair of Regina. “I panicked when I heard it could be here, like in Canada. But I sighed relief when my friend told me the virus was only in some forgotten Manitoba town.”

Health Minister Jane Philpott explained that having the National Microbiology Lab strategically located in an isolated frozen hellscape will help prevent the spread of other infectious diseases.

“Winnipeg is the most ideal place to stack samples of smallpox, Crimean-Congo Hemorrhagic Fever, anthrax, and really anything else that will wipe out a good portion of humanity,” explained the Health Minister. “We’ve also thrown in some chemical weapons and a leaky nuclear reactor for further study.”

As an added safeguard, an elderly commissionaire is stationed at the front desk at Canada’s only Level 4 Laboratory armed with a clipboard and a pen to record the names of the people who want to sign in.