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Golf Clash Chancellor: Trying to play Golf Clash and remain calm

00:00 - 00:03 Mein Fürher, our march to C100 is gaining speed

00:04 - 00:05 We have set up a VPN with a spoofed German

00:05 - 00:07 IP address from this server farm outside Berlin

00:08 - 00:12 It allows our US players to play against all of Europe without hitting the Playdemic filters

00:12 - 00:15 in place to ensure that they don't get charged with theft, fraud and corruption under the laws they are worried about

00:17 - 00:19 About time,

00:19 - 00:21 and with GC Tommy joining we will be unstoppable

00:24 - 00:26 Mein Fürher,

00:27 - 00:28 ...that one...

00:31 - 00:33 ...that one is not the real GC Tommy. He had the same name

00:34 - 00:36 The in-game player cache has fucked us again

00:53 - 00:58 Members, vice-captains, anyone less than 3k last season, get out

01:13 - 01:15 What's the fucking point?

01:15 - 01:17 It's like we're pissing in the wind!

01:18 - 01:23 Finally, the legend accepts one of our million invites...

01:25 - 01:28 ...and it's another wannabe

01:29 - 01:31 Probably not even a top-ten finish in rookie?

01:31 - 01:34 How are we meant to keep playing this fucking game?

01:34 - 01:37 When you do get an honest player that isn't using the perfect shot hack,

01:37 - 01:40 we get "You are connecting..." sat beside an enterprise-grade, fibre-optic router

01:40 - 01:42 Mein Fürher, support has advice on how to ensure that...

01:42 - 01:46 The fucking bots haven't ever played the game

01:46 - 01:48 Mein Furher, they insist that it is our fault

01:48 - 01:52 Of course they'll say that, and you keep lapping it up like cream

01:53 - 01:54 We're being robbed

01:56 - 01:57 Every ball package, bought

01:57 - 02:00 Every tourney offer, bought. Straight to Warner Bros

02:00 - 02:03 You'd like to think they'd put some money into servers, but no.

02:04 - 02:08 They cannot even put up a guide to the first three holes of a tourney...

02:08 - 02:13 ...without suggesting a max OP whack with a Power 5 ball into a Par 3 fairway which isn't even there

02:14 - 02:16 They couldn't find their arse with two hands and a chair

02:17 - 02:21 You think you have found the player that will fire us to glory, and you're looking at your own fucking stats

02:27 - 02:29 I had such high hopes

02:30 - 02:34 The gameplay is so good, and I know I'm shit

02:34 - 02:36 but Clans were so innovative

02:41 - 02:42 I thought I could grind ...

02:43 - 02:47 ...enough that my 47% win percentage would throw enough shit at the wall that some would stick

02:48 - 02:53 ...I could get glory as part of a team, with like-minded escapers of everyday reality

02:54 - 02:56 I knew we should have stopped spending money when they accidentally showed us...

02:56 - 02:59 ...that you could hack a sliced shot perfect...

03:00 - 03:02 ...or that a min distance Skewer could go 260 yards

03:04 - 03:07 They told me to adjust for the tricky wind!

03:14 - 03:16 I'm going back to PokerStars

03:19 - 03:23 At least there, losing is always my fault.

03:25 - 03:26 The game is dead

03:31 - 03:33 We'll play this tourney

03:40 - 03:46 We'll watch the real Tommy, playing his dead balls, with his Apoc7

03:46 - 03:49 We'll get promoted to C100 for our 25 Centurions