It’s no secret that my money is funny right now. I had to quit a job with a six-figure salary because my disease prevented me from working. And I couldn’t work for almost two years because of my bipolar depression. However, my financial and emotional situation of the past is not unlike that of my current situation. That’s because when I was working, my bipolar disorder triggered bouts of binge shopping.

When I talk about binge spending I don’t mean the occasional overindulgence at the mall, or even a bloated credit card bill when Nordstrom has that Half Yearly Sale. No, I’m talking about regular — possibly weekly — spending sprees totaling $500 – $1,000, all for the purpose of feeling good.

I could shop for anything: housewares, clothes, cosmetics, luggage, even groceries. My binge spending patterns were caused in part by my undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and in part by a condition called borderline personality disorder, which sometimes accompanies bipolar.

Before my doctors figured out that I had bipolar, I was on antidepressants but not mood stabilizers. Mostly, these drugs kept me from getting too depressed — meaning they kept me in the office and off my sofa, for the most part. But there were times that I felt a little down, or a little uneasy, or a little anxious. I couldn’t handle those times: they all made me want to jump out of my skin. My inability to manage my feelings or their resulting moods was a symptom of borderline personality disorder.

Instead of having moods and feelings pass without judgement, people with borderline personality disorder let those moods marinate, and usually get down on themselves for whatever happens. If someone cuts you off in traffic, it’s because you’re a bad driver. If you get looked over for an assignment at work, then obviously you’re unqualified for your job. When these bad feelings pile up, there needs to be a release. Some people drink. Some people gamble. My release was shopping.

Binge shopping was like a drug for me. The more I shopped, the better I felt. Any negative thoughts I had melted away while I was signing the cash register receipt. It wasn’t about the items I bought, but rather the act of buying itself. I felt good about myself when I walked through the mall with multiple shopping bags. Buying three pairs of shoes at a time was a triumph. If I couldn’t find anything I wanted to buy, I was anxious.

I realized that I had a problem when I took a leave of absence from my job and I didn’t have as much money to spend. I would go shopping and collapse into tears because I couldn’t afford to buy anything. I also noticed that I’d let a few bills go unpaid at times — like my car note and my electric bill — so that I’d have more cash to spend while shopping. Without my fix, I really noticed that I was depressed and had some unresolved emotional issues.

Thankfully, I was diagnosed with both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder at the same time. Not only did I get mood stabilizers to even out my mood swings, but I also learned emotion regulation techniques that would help me release the stress of having negative feelings.

Now that I don’t have any extra money, I don’t have the ability to go binge shopping. But I also find that I don’t need it because I have the tools to manage anxiety or burgeoning depression without resorting to overspending.