Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Sapp, a true sportsman and warrior, was now throwing fights against tiny men at a rate far faster than he'd ever won them. In five years, he lost 14 straight, and 12 of those came by way of comical first-round surrender. He fought like a third-grader whose dumb stepdad made him take piano. I wish I hadn't used this analogy earlier, because he fought like a first responder playing dead to convince a sadly unnecessary animal he's a good boy.

To make matters worse for oversized men, Butterbean also wasn't doing so great. He lost four of his six MMA matches, which is still nothing short of amazing for a hundred-fight veteran in his mid 40s. Butterbean should be the name on our tanks. When terrorists meet with their arms dealers, they should say, "What is this shit you have brought me? The Americans have Butterbeans. Butterbeans! These guns won't scratch the paint on a Butterbean!"

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

In the early 2010s, Japan was down to only three sumo wrestlers still supplementing their income with savage beatings: Baruto Kaito, Yoichi Babaguchi, and Akebono. Baruto won his only fight, Yoichi lost two of three, and Akebono had a better chance at finding edible panties in his size than winning an MMA fight. To give you an idea of how bad Akebono is at fighting, he lost to Bob Sapp in 2015, at the height of Bob's flopping career. A touching greeting card could knock Bob Sapp out in 2015. He lost three fights to his payday loan clerk and six fights to his salt lick that year (4 TKO, 1 submission, 1 split decision), but even he couldn't figure out how to lose to Akebono.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

It may have been they were finally paying Bob enough to try, or maybe being at an 88.5-pound weight disadvantage inspired him to greatness like it did all the smaller men who beat him into phony tears over the previous five years. Actually, hold on. Since Bob Sapp was smaller by over 70 pounds, he was legally the little guy in this freak show match, which means his victory counts against the big guys. Holy shit, even when he wins, Bob Sapp is still fucking ruining everything.