With the Steam for Mac digital distribution platform reaching beta and scheduled for a May 12 release, Mac gamers with a love of Valve games are looking forward to finally freeing themselves from the tyranny of dual-booting.

No longer will they have to taint their eyes and mousing hands by clicking on Windows icons. They will finally be able to clear out that extra partition, preferably with napalm and sarin.

However, it could be argued that there's such a thing as too much cross-compatibility. Is it really fair to Apple fans to give them the exact same experience as Windows gamers, when they're used to a different sort of treatment?

I have heard rumors that the release versions of Valve's ports for Mac will include some subtle but important changes to make sure users of Apple computers don't keel over from fatal levels of unfamiliarity.

To wit:

Team Fortress 2 —————

When engineers build turrets in the Mac version of Team Fortress 2, the turrets will cost twice as much (in metal) as the Windows equivalent. However, the turrets will be curvy and shiny, and emit a pleasant noise as they shoot the enemy down.

The Heavy's chain gun will be lighter and smaller, and of course curvier and shinier. It will weigh merely 1.8 pounds and fold up nicely to ultra-thin dimensions, allowing the Heavy to move quickly at all times. It will keep track of the Heavy's appointments and phone numbers with a stylish, yet elegantly functional, interface. However, it will only shoot rubber bullets.

Half-Life 2 ———–

In Half-Life 2, instead of picking ammo off the filthy ground like a common Windows user, you must go to an immaculate white Ammo Store where twentysomethings with fauxhawks will sell you immaculate white bullets, provided you haven't been murdered by an immaculate white Manhack.

You will be able to defeat zombies by spreading rumors that Apple is coming out with a new color of iPod Nano, at which point they all run off to reload Engadget over and over.

Portal ——

Portal's disembodied AI overseer GLaDOS will be replaced with a voiceover of Steve Jobs, who will explain that your portal gun only makes entrances, not exits. He explains that the exit functionality is not necessary to enjoy the game, but nonetheless he will be releasing a new version that can make both types of portals in three to six months.

If you figure out an unusual way to get through a level, you will be dropped back into the same level until you get through it in the officially approved manner. This is necessary in order to provide a uniform user experience.

Left 4 Dead ———–

All custom maps in the Mac version of Left 4 Dead will have to be approved by Apple, which will reject any maps that feature nudity, suggestive content, political satire or zombies.

Two more main characters will be added: a balding, schlubby-looking guy in a suit, and a young dude with tousled hair and a semi-beard whom you will immediately want to shoot. However, you should not shoot the tousled guy, because teamwork is important to winning the game – and because it's a lot more satisfying to see him dragged to his death by a tongue zombie.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a Mac, a PC and an Amiga 500.

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