INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | CONTACT

In an almost fluid transition, former high school alpha Becky Claire-Kelly (27) has graduated from the chick that makes girls feel bad about being overweight in the school yard to the chick that making normal people who aren’t 100% up to date with Lena Dunham-style cancel culture feel bad on Twitter.

As someone who needs the structure of an imaginary social hierarchy to feed her appetite for deflating the self-esteem of her peers, Becky has now left behind her checkered history of brutal body-shaming and SMS catfishing in the social-media-free schoolyard that once served as her colosseum.

Nowadays her best work is done on Twitter, where she has managed to award herself with a verified blue tick after several racy photoshoots for an upper-middle-class-white-girl-centric feminist blog back when the biggest issue facing women in Western Civilisation was the gendered hypocrisy of male versus female nipple censorship on Instagram.

However, Becky has had to make several compromises in her life to achieve the level of moral absolutism required to start online pile-ups on out-of-touch old people and grieving sports fans.

One, she has to pretend she no longer likes Quentin Tarantino movies due to her online obligation to never the seperate the art from the droves of controversial artists that came together to make those films.

Two, she can no longer publish her Hottest 100 votes on social media, for fear that one of the many alcoholic drug addict rock and rap stars she worships may have treated someone badly in the past.

And three, she’s had to rewrite a new and completely mythologised version of her entire upbringing.

In this story, her parent’s multi-million-dollar divorce settlement is rebranded as a ‘single mum household’.

In this story, she was also ‘quiet in school’ and ‘and lacked the confidence to speak up’ – a rewrite that contrasts quite gratingly with what her classmates remember as a netball queen bee who instigated house party punch-ons between the mouth-breather footy boys that’s she was two timing with.

But, much like in high school, her time at the top cannot last forever.

After years of burning bridges with former best friends and picking fights with people who don’t forget, Becky is now losing the confidence of her foot soldiers in the woke Twitter inner-circle.

With the half-hourly rushes of algorithmic endorphins clouding her judgement, Becky is missing the mutiny happening right in front of her.

It’s too late for her to even diagnose herself with a personality disorder. She’s being ousted.

In less than 24-hours she will find herself back where she finished senior year at the school formal. Sitting with the goofy thespians and looking across the yard at the hotter semi-emo chick that replaced her.

OUR REPORTERS ARE FOLLOWING THIS STORY.

‘Becky goes to medical school’ coming soon.