KANSAS CITY, MO—Carlyle Digital’s new open floor plan has increased the productivity of ex-employee and current office shooter Frank Pendrowski by at least 95 percent, the 37-year-old told reporters during his homicidal rampage on Monday. “I’m utilizing space in a much more efficient way, there are no obstacles for coworkers to hide behind, and if one of them tries to run, I can track them down nearly immediately,” Pendrowski told reporters as he rapidly headed down one of the office’s sleek, uncluttered corridors, indiscriminately unloading an M14 semiautomatic rifle into the bullpen-style work environment. “All the departments are integrated into this single cohesive unit—so if I suddenly want to head over to the sales team and gun every last one of them down, I can access them almost instantly. Even the CEO [Mark Greeley] sits out here with everyone else, so I can just pop over and shoot him in the back of the head, no problem. I’m getting so much done!” Pendrowski did admit, however, that the modern layout had likely decreased his creativity during the massacre by at least 50 percent.

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