Many of our reactions to the world are learned. We aren’t born with a fear of knives and guns. We eventually learn that danger is imminent if we see somebody pull a weapon on us. If that happens, our brain will automatically respond to the threat (e.g. heightened awareness, adrenaline, a faster pulse) without us having to think about it. We also learn similar automatic responses to emotional and social threats. These responses may be very problematic in adulthood when they lead to maladaptive behaviours. However, you can put in the work to re-program these automatic responses.

Emotional reactions can be re-learned

If you are a narcissist, then you may have learned things such as:

Somebody devalues you → you feel worthless → coping mechanism in response to being de-valued (e.g. acquire validation from others)

Do not receive validation from others → fear over imminent emotional abuse/trauma

Breaking the cycle of toxic behaviours begins with de-programming all of the triggers that lead to unwanted behaviour.

The field of psychology has tools to help people deal with phobias (e.g. fear of snakes), which are unwanted reactions to what’s happening in a person’s environment. One of those tools, exposure therapy, can help you deal with unwanted reactions to your social environment. It is highly effective in getting rid of irrational fears.

How to re-program yourself

Think of a memory:

…that is slightly traumatic but not overly traumatic.

…where your emotional reaction (e.g. feeling devalued) is NOT the logical response. For example, you should not feel devalued when other people are not criticizing you out of malice.

Play through the memory in your head. Then, use the logical part of your brain. Actively tell the rest of your brain what the appropriate emotional reaction is. e.g. “Oh, this person is trying to help me. I should think about what they have to say. There is no logical reason for me to feel humiliated or less than that person. Rage is inappropriate in this situation.”

Or think of it like driving. Once you master driving, you operate a car without having to think much about it. However, suppose that you move to a new country where you have to drive on the opposite side of the road. If you actively think about driving, you can reprogram all of your instincts and automatic responses to adapt to your new environment. You can actively think about what you should be doing instead of leaving your brain into autopilot mode.

Next, escalate slowly

Begin to work on the rest of your life experiences that have messed with your head or currently cause you to get triggered. Work on reactions to social danger that do not make sense:

Worthlessness . When children are constantly told that they aren’t good enough, they believe that they are worthless and full of flaws. Children simply don’t understand that the constant criticism was not their fault. As an adult, you should be able to figure out that there are things that you learned as a child that don’t make sense. Constant criticism, using children as emotional punching bags, and intense pressure to succeed are NOT healthy parenting techniques. When parents use bad parenting techniques, you can figure out that it is the parent who failed and not the child.

. When children are constantly told that they aren’t good enough, they believe that they are worthless and full of flaws. Children simply don’t understand that the constant criticism was not their fault. As an adult, you should be able to figure out that there are things that you learned as a child that don’t make sense. Constant criticism, using children as emotional punching bags, and intense pressure to succeed are NOT healthy parenting techniques. When parents use bad parenting techniques, you can figure out that it is the parent who failed and not the child. Shame . Abuse victims often feel like it is their fault that they were abused. Logically, these beliefs make very little sense as abuse victims did not get to decide whether or not they were abused.

. Abuse victims often feel like it is their fault that they were abused. Logically, these beliefs make very little sense as abuse victims did not get to decide whether or not they were abused. Anxiety . You may perceive danger in situations where you shouldn’t be fearful, e.g. when somebody is criticizing you or failing to validate you. Recognize that FEAR is often False Evidence Appearing Real.

. You may perceive danger in situations where you shouldn’t be fearful, e.g. when somebody is criticizing you or failing to validate you. Recognize that FEAR is often False Evidence Appearing Real. Powerlessness / helplessness. You should not feel helpless in situations where you actually aren’t.

Making the leap to real world situations

When you’re at home by yourself, think about the major scenarios that trigger you such as:

Not receiving validation, admiration, or adoration from another human being (even if they’re a janitor or other inconsequential person).

Criticism, even if it’s constructive.

Failure.

Stress.

Think about the logical responses to those situations beforehand. Whenever you encounter those situations in the real world, actively think about what you should be doing and what you should be feeling emotionally. Then, work on overriding your your automatic response to that situation with a more desirable one.

You can start with the situations that are easy for you to tackle, e.g. situations where your behaviour patterns are silly and make very little sense.

What if I don’t want to deal with painful emotions?

Take a baby step then. First, train yourself not to laugh. Go on Youtube and find funny videos such as a Try Not To Laugh Challenge, stand up comedy, funny shows such as Silent Library, etc. etc. Re-program your learned reaction towards unexpected stimuli to something other than laughter. Whenever something unexpected happens, you can instead try to spot a formulaic pattern to the comedy such as setup-setup-payoff.

Once you’ve convinced yourself that you can re-program your brain, start working on the uncomfortable stuff. It will be worth it in the end. Also know that your fear of painful memories is likely illogical because your memories cannot hurt you physically or socially.

You are in control

You have the power to control your emotion reactions and how you behave. You can take control of your life and become the person that you want to be. I wish you the best.

Resources

To see exposure therapy in action, you can find a video on Youtube where it is used to treat a phobia such as a fear of snakes (below) or confined spaces.

Exposure therapy has also been used to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For a review on the scientific evidence for exposure therapy in treating PTSD, see the review paper “Review of exposure therapy: A gold standard for PTSD treatment“.