A few months ago I pulled a little prank via Words With Friends. Most of the details were revealed over Facebook, so they were all spaced out and hard to follow. I have since realized that this blog provides a perfect opportunity for me to relive that moment and share it in an organized manner.

The prank began when my good friend Spencer Hall finally got Words With Friends for his phone and promptly started challenging innumerable random people to games. His Words With Friends username is Nicolas Cage, so naturally, since he was starting these games with random people, he received many inquiries as to whether or not he was Nicolas Cage the actor. However, people would often ask simply “Are you Nic Cage?”, to which Spencer would innocently reply “Of course I am! You’re playing me right now!”, which led people to believe that they were playing Words With Friends against the worst actor of our generation.

When a person would take the bait, Spencer would give me their username, and I would then challenge that person to a game. I would begin each game with these people by saying “Hi there! My friend Nicolas Cage told me you were pretty good at this game!” My username is HeWhoMustNotBeNamed, so there was never any indication that I wasn’t someone famous, so more often than not people would just assume that they were playing simultaneous games against Nic Cage and one of his famous Hollywood pals. (The fact that I said “my friend Nicolas Cage…” should have given away the fact that this was a prank, since it’s a known fact that Mr. Cage has no friends.) Generally, when people asked who I was, I would just say something along the lines of “I can’t tell you! That’s why my username is what it is!”, but if they probed further after that, I would just say the name of some actor or actress, and as far as I can tell, my opponent would eat it up. One day, a person by the name of kerrbear asked me just enough questions about my identity to where I replied that I was “Mike Shyamalan”. Of course, she assumed I was M. Knight Shyamalan and volunteered to me that she was an “aspiring actress ;)”. I promptly saw an opportunity to play a joke, so I asked her what her email address was and that I could get her an audition for my new film. The following is what I sent her:

Hello,

Thank you for your interest in auditioning for M. Knight Shyamalan’s Defenders of the Great Wall. Due to the inconvenience of our location, we have decided to hold online auditions for the parts of Villager Woman and Warrior’s Wife. Though these are very minor roles, they are nonetheless very important to the recreation of a village scene in ancient China, and we take them quite seriously.

In order to expedite the auditioning process, Royal Talent is accepting online auditions for these parts. It is strongly recommended that you audition for both parts, as they are both similar characters and your chances of being cast in the film are increased by auditioning for both. This is a video audition, so please be prepared to record. Your video must include the delivery of the lines provided. The audition criteria for each part is as follows:

Villager Woman:

Scene: A typical day in the village square. A group of ladies is standing in front of a shop gossiping

First line: I am growing worried about the rising cost of rice. With my husband at war, it is already difficult enough to support my children, and this famine is making it nearly impossible.

Second line: Come now, Ching! You’re living a life of delusions! You don’t honestly believe that your husband is a hero, do you? He has shamed your ancestors with his constant lying!

Warrior’s Wife:

Scene: It is raining. A woman stands at the gates of the village, pleading with her husband not to go to war. (It is not necessary for you to have a husband in the audition video)

First line: Please He-Ping! I beg of you! Do not leave me and the children! General Tso is such a cruel man, and the war is so fierce! I am afraid you will not return home alive.

Scene: He-Ping’s body has been returned to his village.

Second line: If only you had listened, then our family would still be intact…

In addition to these audition videos, Mr. Shyamalan has requested that all applicants include an additional video of the following lines:

“I, (your name), solemnly swear on my honor as an actor/actress, that I will not reveal any information about Defenders of the Great Wall or it’s production to anybody.”

This is to ensure secrecy, as this is a major film in its early stages of productoin, and there is a very real threat that it will be stolen. Without this oath video, any other video you submit will not be considered. The oath video will not be considered as part of your audition.

To ensure that you will be considered for the part, videos must be submitted no later than 10:00 AM Pacific Time on Friday, March 18, 2011. Please keep in mind that the earlier you submit your audition, the more time can be spent considering you for the part. Videos may be submitted via email to royaltalentvancouver@gmail.com.

On behalf Mr. Shyamalan, myself, and everyone else here at Royal Talent Vancouver, I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your auditions.

Warm Regards,

Jeffery Voight

Casting Director

Royal Talent Vancouver

There are numerous indications that this was a fake, and I intended that these indications were clear, just to make sure that I gave ample opportunity to let this girl figure out that this was obviously not real. First of all, I spelled it “M. Knight” instead of the correct “M. Night”. Secondly, has anyone ever heard of online auditions? Me neither. A quick Google session would have revealed that there is no Royal Talent Vancouver. Vancouver? Really? Also, the lines I had her read were absolutely RIDICULOUS! I basically just tried to think of every Chinese stereotype and throw it in there. But the real question regarding the authenticity of this should have been “Would M. Knight Shyamalan really be offering a part in his movie via Words With Friends chat?” If Kerrbear had simply just thought about it she could have saved herself a whole lot of ridicule, but thankfully she didn’t, because the “audition tapes” she sent back were pure, solid gold. Here they are:

Shyamalan Oath

Villager Woman

Warrior’s Wife

I would like to add that I was fully expecting this person to be a 14 year old girl. Weren’t you?