Come to your senses and stop blaming the leaders for the state of the country

Shuttup! Shuttup! Shuttup! You fellows get everything wrong. Our leaders have not let down the economy. It is the economy that has let down our leaders.

Who could have predicted that a perfectly planned, flawlessly presented, magnificently executed move designed for the economy would be sabotaged by the meteor sent by enemy agents that crossed Uranus at precisely 43.5 degrees, altering the move’s horoscope in such a way that the colour pink would become inauspicious for the number 2,000?

If you don’t believe me, take a Pushpaka Vimanam into the past and look through the Hubble telescope. You will see it. Otherwise, I can WhatsApp the clip to you.

Shame on you, ungrateful economy. You don’t know how to respect elders who have done so much for you.

You, economy, are the kind that will wear a short dress in front of respected leaders.

And I am 100% sure you are the type of economy that won’t stand up even when the national anthem is played. You will no doubt play the disabled card.

Why, for all we know, you are probably eating beef fry in Kerala now and dancing to ‘Jimikki Kammal’.

I am sure you were doing taboo, taboo things during Navaratri also. I have a picture of you, you cheap economy, smoking in a pub.

I think you should be taught a lesson, economy. Your mother and sister should be warned, if you ask me.

You should be made to work at the Patanjali factory and go through the rigours of making Ayurvedic noodles.

You should be taught yoga, you should be taught Hindi, and you should be taught to do yoga in Hindi.

You should be made to apply a gobar mask to understand what true Indian beauty is.

You should spend a week with Pahlaj Nihalani (but don’t watch Julie 2, okay?), you should be made to do push ups in front of Anupam Kher, made to comb Abhijeet’s hair (apparently he soaks it in Dettol overnight in a bowl by his bedside), made to sit on the bumper of Paresh Rawal’s jeep, and be driven around town.

You should be made to read the real history books and learn how Jhansi Lakshmi Bai could wrestle Akbar to the ground, and how biryani is not a Mughal contribution but an ancient Vedic dish called bheer anantha yanopa yani which means ... er ... many things in Sanskrit.

You should read some more and find out how Pandit Nehru was the reason Yudhishthira gambled away Draupadi.

Meanwhile, I request you, friends, please don’t depend only on the economy. Just work hard. For, if you do, your turnover can increase by 16,000 times in just one year.

Naysayers, take your Italian goggles off. You’ll see the joyous celebrations of the public everywhere. Deepavali came a fortnight earlier. Take a cue from them, won’t you? See how things have become cheaper with the new improved GST. Rejoice with khakra and ‘modelling paste for children amusement’. Eat the former and sniff the latter.

I hope you come to your senses soon, economy. Behave. All will be forgiven.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist, humour writer and co-editor of the anthology Madras on My Mind: A City in Stories.