WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in an ongoing affirmative action lawsuit Monday, the impatient American public reportedly demanded that the nation’s highest court stop jerking around with all these other cases and just get to the gay stuff already. “Screw all these other cases, man, we’re ready for the real stuff—you know…the gay stuff,” said Indianapolis resident Eric Newcomb, 36, just one of millions of restless Americans who claimed they are sick of waiting for the Supreme Court to pull the trigger on a gay rights decision, noting that the judicial body has already had “a solid three months” to consider the constitutional issues associated with homosexual marriage and same-sex partner benefits. “Seriously, stop wasting time with all these boring appeals nobody cares about and bring on the gays. I mean, do they honestly think anyone gives a shit about any other case?” At press time, the nation had thrown up its hands in frustration upon learning that the Supreme Court was currently preparing a 46-page opinion addressing the jurisdictional conflicts raised by Mutual Pharmaceutical Co. v. Bartlett.

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