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It's not hard to sell ice cream. We're a very, very fat country. The biggest concern for a chain like Dairy Queen is the increasing problem of customers ravenously biting the fingers of the person handing out the Blizzards through the drive through window before they can let go of the cup. So all you need as far as an ad campaign is something along the lines of, "Yes, there's still probably a Dairy Queen in your town, and we still have the ice cream. Remember not to eat the huge ice cream cone we have out front. It's made of plastic."

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But apparently even ice cream doesn't sell without the promise of douchebaggery. I call this first ad, "Child Whore" because I want to see that Google search traffic show up here. An eight-year-old girl gives a flirty look to an eight-year-old boy, and he buys her some ice cream like a bar drunk looking for a quick bathroom handjob. Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.

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The mother starts to order two "fudge brownie temptations" (which by the way is almost certainly another porn search term) but the little girl stops her and says, "Mom, just make it one." When they get to the table, the mother comments pleasantly that she's surprised her daughter wanted to share. The gold digger in training says, "Actually, I don't." And right then, a Dairy Queen employee brings the girl a sundae, saying it was from the boy, who gives her a "let's get some people arrested" look. It ends with her telling her mother, "It's like shooting fish in a barrel."