Good news, film fans: Nicolas Cage's latest magnum opus, Drive Angry 3D, hits cinemas nationwide on Friday. Of course, you'd be forgiven for not getting your hopes up. After all, roughly 38% of Hollywood's second-rate output seems to star the indefatigable Cage, as the one-time Oscar winner continues to peddle a seemingly endless procession of frankly terrible flicks in an effort to keep the taxman off his back. Few stars can boast such a rollercoaster career as Cage. He's an actor who seems to lurch from role to role, punctuating the dark depths of an eclectic straight-to-video CV with some occasional award-winning highs. But faced with an avalanche of Nicolas Cage movies to choose from, how can the discerning movie-goer distinguish the Raising Arizonas from the Ghost Riders? Here's a handy checklist to help you determine what kind of Nicolas Cage movie you're watching.

Check the hair

There's a direct correlation between the length of Cage's locks and the awfulness of his movies. As a rule of thumb, if the hair's short (Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, Bad Lieutenant) then you're on to a winner. But if it's long, greasy and swept back behind his ears (Con Air, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Next) then – yes – you're watching a bad Nic Cage movie.

Is he wearing a vest?

Here's a handy hint for you. If the role requires Cage to bare his well-chiselled midriff, and it doesn't star Sean Connery (The Rock), then stand up and make a dash for the nearest available exit. Likewise, if Cage is in any way called upon to take on the action-hero mantle, dispatching faceless goons with an arsenal of firearms (National Treasure), martial arts (Bangkok Dangerous) or a magic sword (Season Of The Witch) – run for the hills. In short, if his physique resembles anything other than a Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin then you're probably watching a bad Nic Cage movie.

Can he see into the future?

If Nicolas Cage has dug up a time capsule that predicts global catastrophes (Knowing), or he's playing a cheap Vegas showman who can see into the future (Next), then you too can come over all clairvoyant and predict that you're about to waste the next 90 minutes of your life watching a bad Nic Cage movie.

Don't be fooled by the quality of his co-conspirators

If the film is directed by Martin Scorsese (Bringing Out The Dead), co-stars Michael Caine (The Weather Man), or his love interest is played by either Helen Hunt (Kiss Of Death), Gina Gershon (Face/Off), or even Angelina Jolie (Gone In 60 Seconds), don't be fooled into thinking you're watching a good Nic Cage movie – you're not; put the DVD down and step away from the bargain bin.

Is he in the army?

Yes? Don't even bother. Whether he's protecting Navajo codetalkers (John Woo's Windtalkers) or attempting an altogether different type of Woo-ing involving a Greek island, Penélope Cruz and a musical instrument from the lute family (Captain Corelli's Mandolin), then you're not just watching a bad Nic Cage movie, you're watching a bad Nic Cage movie that's likely to be about as entertaining as a Justin Bieber fanclub picnic.