mgawalangmagawa Junior Guild Member



Join Date: 2nd Nov, 2016 Posts: 31

Re: Crimbopalooza Story Contest 2017 - Closed - Finals



Final



There will of course be the usual kinds of votes, but this time the jury and poll will work differently. Deadline is on December 31, 2017 11:59 PM GMT +8, but cut me some slack for celebrations come new year.



Due to time constraints a couple of incomplete entrant votes were filled using results based on the relevant poll.



Here is the poll:



The finalists are as follows:



From SF1:



girlTrex

Noted

Nesman

SadOatCakes

Shay Hammowolf

TheSilhouette

DudeCats

Deafgeek

Schlurp

StickStomper



From SF2:



deadleeplatapus

cHUNKYgnocchi

ThatsHowIBeatShaq

Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker

Firetitan8

ham6691

Hunter Horrid

MaybeBoB

Disco Stews Party Van

Jensational



No automatic finalists.



Let's start off with:



A. ThatsHowIBeatShaq:



Spoiler: Clancy lifted the lid off the wok; a cloud of sweet steam enveloped his face with a warm, satisfying aroma--equal parts hot and spooky, with a hint of citrus. Reduce to low heat and allow sauce to reduce. Clancy licked his chops and opened the refrigerator, releasing a wall of cool air and the sounds of a muffled struggle. “The sauce is simmering. Time to get you in the marinade.” Gordon’s eyes widened in a panic; his pleas of desperation blocked by the gag in his mouth. “You messed with the wrong lamb, Mr. Ramsay. Now hand me that onion.”



B. MaybeBoB:



Spoiler: On the night before Crimbo,

And all through Hell's Kitchen

The chefs could not cook

As the lamb sauce was missin'.

They looked through the pantry,

The cupboards, the drawers.

But so it appeared

This sauce was no more.

While the chefs searched,

Ramsay was asleep.

They knew if he woke,

He'd surely say <BLEEP>.

Then it had happened,

What the chefs had all dreaded.

Ramsay had woken;

To them he was headed.

He told them to "Piss off!"

Like they had always hated.

When he finished with them,

Their search accelerated.

Then they had found it... LAMB SAUCE LOCATED.



C. SadOatCakes:



Spoiler: Kingdom denizens felt cheerful as Crimbo approached; Uncle Crimbo's enlightenment as the Crimbodhitsattva last year seemed to augur a certain peacefulness for the celebration to come. Life in the Kingdom had been quiet since Crimbo XVI. Sedate, even. When the first advent calendar pressies arrived - undercooked scallops and runny risotto - nobody was alarmed. But then hellfires broke out; unwary adventurers were captured and branded; and an ominous message appeared in the sky: IT'S ALL ABOUT FIRE. Adventurers donned red and blue aprons and grimly readied their best spells and weapons. There would be no peaceful Crimbo: Gordon Ramsay was coming



D. StickStomper:



Spoiler: Gordon Ramsey was a complete mess. He promised the townsfolk the best Crimbo Feast of the century, yet with little time remaining, he was missing his final 'pièce de résistance' - the Lamb Sauce! Gordon stopped pacing the room and turned on the television. "There has to be a way to get the final ingredients" he muttered. Without Lamb and children tears, the dish would be a disaster. Suddenly, the PBS children's TV show "Lamb Chop" popped on the television. Gordon's eyes glowered with excitement, his toothy grin twisted on his face, and he bellowed out a sinister crackling laugh..."located!"



E. TheSilhouette:



Spoiler: Once upon a time, there was an ugly barnacle! Oh no, but this isn't how this story goes; You see, the chef had always been a short-tempered perfectionist and such dilemmas are no match for his level of expertise... or so he thought. It was a warm Crimbo evening, Ramsay was preparing a fine meal and in order to up his game, he got some barnacles, cooked them up and upon serving, noticed LAMB SAUCE was missing!! So he served them without it! and everybody died, Why?, you ask, The sauce? Pfft, No!, It's because Barnacles are poisonous! THE END!



F. Hunter Horrid:



Spoiler: The trap was set, Hunter Horrid hid by the stove tops. Gordon peered through the steam and smoke coming from the kitchen hops, he looked like a man possessed! ''Where is my Lamb Sauce?'' he barked, his voice booming across the room. Hunter sat silently waiting to catch his next familiar, the lamb sauce a perfect lure. Gordons eyes lit up, an evil glare as he saw the sauce. This was going to work, Hunter was about to catch himself a Mad Chef, There was no way Gordon would escape. SNAP!!! ''Familiar caught, Mad Chef... you will call him Gordon.''



G. Noted:



Spoiler: T'was the night before Crimbo and all through the kitchen

the creatures were stirring. There's sauce to enrichen!

Chef Gordon's preparing this fabulous feast

with sous-chefs; a Bird, a Mouse and a Beast.



'Where is the lamb sauce, you miserable runts?'

'Burning your pan? Mouse, you're fired at once!"

"You're done like dinner. Beast! What is this? Straw?'

'Your goose is cooked, Bird. This monstrosity's raw!!'



Preparations are finished, relieved of the clatter.

The lamb sauce is located, that settles the matter.

The Bird, Mouse and Beast Combo-s a sure-fire winner

beside Mary's little lamb, all served up for dinner.



H. Jensational:



Spoiler: It was the chicken breast of times. It was the bratwurst of times. Poor Gordon had reached the very top and now there was nowhere left but down. In hindsight there was also left but not right. Never right. Gordon would never entertain such a thought. Poor Gordon. He looked at the jar in his hand. The jar that would be his undoing. He unscrewed the lid, poured the contents over the chicken and served. His guests ate every last morsel. It was another success. For now at least, the jar of Ainsley Harriet's smokey BBQ sauce would remain undiscovered.



I. Firetitan8:



Spoiler: 'A British Chef and his Thrilling Quest for Sheep Dressing: Three Rhyming Limericks



there once was a search for a sauce,

that left the head chef very cross,

Acting like a rude warden,

The man's name was Gordon,

Who had lamb that needed a gloss.



It's placement no one did quite know,

Till Gordon's eyes began to glow,

now long awaited,

the lamb sauce located,

his anger had seemed to plateau.



Then suddenly he turned about,

His pupils he then turned to shout,

"Did this meat even thaw?

This lamb's fucking raw! From my kitchen all of you get out!" '



J. cHUNKygnocchi:



Spoiler: Outfit set and blessings received, he left the Uncle's castle and rode his specially-assigned sleigh, ready for his quest. Both weather and chances were unpleasant, but Crimbo was incomplete without his dish, and such incomplete without his lamb sauce. Determination at peak, he slid down the mountain, tasting every unfrozen stream, disappointed at the incorrect blends of it all. Yet, he pursued, shouting graceful expressions to the heavens, to which the RNGsus heard, leading him to his purpose, his cheers heard within a mile's radius. With the lamb sauce located he returned, beaming, and it was truly a wonderful Crimbo.



K. ham6691:



Spoiler: I run out of the burning time machine, and the Prophet's enigmatic prophesy springs to mind. Only three words were discernible in his crazed trance. 'Lamb. Sauce. Crimbo.' The buildings here are decorated with tinsel and mistletoe, as if in celebration. But I can sense something is wrong. Very wrong. It's not until i'm approached by a local that I notice. Their heads... They've all been replaced by gravy boats. And the smell... Lamb sauce! The local exclaims, 'We have come afar! Come to the Tower of Zadhivand!' I feel a sharp impact, and then everything goes dark



L. Deafgeek:



Spoiler: A Very Special Crimbo Dinner was at hand, and everyone was cooking for Uncle Crimbo's "Guest". The pastamasters summoned noodles, the seal clubbers procured the meat (don't ask from where), the turtle tamers had protested the original soup, and the disco bandits and accordion thieves argued over the entertainment. All that was left was the saucerors. Combining their power, they brought forth a powerful sauce, sure to please their guest. But as they brought it to him, Gordon Ramsey simply looked at it and shook his head. "This is not lamb sauce!" And that's how everyone ruined Crimbo that year.



M. Schlurp:



Spoiler: Adventurer Gor-Don Ramzi awoke in his Newbiesport tent in the Campground. He walked outside and stretched his stiff limbs in the morning light. His calendar revealed that today was Crimbo. “Crimbo.” he mumbled groggily to himself. “Could go for some nice fotelif and lamb sauce.” He smacked his lips.



“Ham sauce?” came a voice from inside the next tent over.



“Lamb sauce,” he repeated gruffly.



“Lamb saws?” came a voice from another nearby tent.



“Sauce!”



“Hoth?” from yet another tent.



“Piss off!” the Adventurer shouted, and stomped off. Disemboweling some orcs would be a better way to celebrate the holiday.



N. Nesman:



Spoiler: I was on duty at the Gourd Tower. I shouldn't have been out there without backup. Especially not with the uprising from Mt. McLargeHuge going on lately! I should have recognized how suspiciously bearded the adventurers were that were piling firecrackers below the tower. I shouted down that they were supposed to bring them up to me so I could store them safely with the other dangerous contraband. Suddenly, KAPOW! The entire pile went up, and The Gourd and I were flying. We landed with a splash in goat territory. That's why I'm floating on a Gourd on Ram Sea.



O. Disco Stews Party Van:



Spoiler: "I need the lamb sauce" Gordon thought, as he went toward It. It had taken all the lamb sauce, and became It.



He came upon what he was looking for- It. A monstrosity of lamb sauce, with a hunger sated by only more lamb sauce. With a battle cry, Gordon ran forward, muscles displayed gloriously in the light, and began his attack.



Gordon and the beast fought hand-to-hand for what felt like hours, with blood hitting lamb sauce and lamb sauce hitting muscle, over and over.



As fast as it started, the brawl was over, Gordon had his lamb sauce.



P. DudeCats:



Spoiler: "'Is lamb sauce a sandwich?' Thousands of protestors today are demanding that grocery stores acknowledge that it is indeed a sandwich and should be removed from the condiments aisle in stores. In their efforts, /Games/ brand Lamb Sauce is now skyrocketing in price, and is soon to disappear from shelves entirely. Looks like Crimbo dinner will have to wait until next year. Jamie Oliver, what have you got?"

"Several people are starting to form a cult to counter-protest the missing lamb sauce, led by Gordon Ramsay. As you can hear, they are chanting som- AHH!"

"WHERE. IS. THE LAMB SAUCE."



Q. girlTrex:



Spoiler: 'Twas the night before Crimbo, all through the house

One man stirred, he rustled about.

Made some fixings, each plated fair,

Hoping his dinner guests would actually care.



Gamers up late, talking in chat.

Speaking of Ramsay, he'd make them fat.

Noobs in outfits, I in a shirt,

Couldn't wait til our stomachs hurt.



When from the kitchen arose such a clatter,

Stopped to ask what was the matter.

The lamb sauce, missing, he shouted so mad.

Check in the fridge, no longer sad.



I heard him exclaim, right as rollover passed

"Happy Crimbo to all, lamb sauce at last!"



R. Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker:



Spoiler: I pray to the Gordon. Dad, a FoodNetwork dweeb, hears me and calls me a doughnut. I go to sleep hungry. I feel something salty touch me. It's Gordon. I'm so terrified. He whispers in my ear "where's the cabbage?". He grabs me with his chef hands and puts me before a counter. I open my saucepan for Gordon. He shouts in my ear. It burns but I do it for Him. I can feel my eyes watering. He roars cockneyly and fills my pan with lamb sauce. He calls me an idiot sandwich. Ramsay is salt, Ramsay is sauce.



S. Shay HammoWolf:



Spoiler: It twas the Night of my first Crimbo, and all through the house,

we were all moving, even the mouse!

We’d checked in the fridge, we examined the stove.

Ramsey was so livid, we accidentally froze.

“WHERE IS THE LAMB SAUCE?” The head chef roared.

“We didn’t make it cause we were forced,” My mother paused.

Everyone ran, screaming in terror

I crashed into a fan, a fatal error.

For on this great Crimbo, holiday delight

A blood splattered window, a terrible sight.

Dismembered head falls, eyes dull of light,

Merry Crimbo to all, and to all a good night.



T. deadleeplatapus:



Spoiler: There is a sauce in New Orleans

It's made with pureed lamb

And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy

And God, it's better than ham.



Gordon, he was an upset teacher

He cursed and threw green beans,

The others cried and whimpered quietly

Down in New Orleans



Now the only thing a chef really needs

Is creativity and some spunk

Cooking great food with imagination

will get Ramsey out of his funk



Oh mother tell, your children

Not to piss of the boss

Spend all your lives in sin and misery

Forgetting to include the Lamb Sauce.



Entrants voted: 30/36

Poll votes: 100

Jurors voted: 5/5 Here's what you've been waiting for, it's theThere will of course be the usual kinds of votes, but this time the jury and poll will work differently. Deadline is on December 31, 2017 11:59 PM GMT +8, but cut me some slack for celebrations come new year.Due to time constraints a couple of incomplete entrant votes were filled using results based on the relevant poll.Here is the poll: https://goo.gl/forms/RmZjynTQr8wAsuqZ2 The finalists are as follows:From SF1:girlTrexNotedNesmanSadOatCakesShay HammowolfTheSilhouetteDudeCatsDeafgeekSchlurpStickStomperFrom SF2:deadleeplatapuscHUNKYgnocchiThatsHowIBeatShaqLesbian_Syphilitic_SpankerFiretitan8ham6691Hunter HorridMaybeBoBDisco Stews Party VanJensationalNo automatic finalists.Let's start off with:A. ThatsHowIBeatShaq:B. MaybeBoB:C. SadOatCakes:D. StickStomper:E. TheSilhouette:F. Hunter Horrid:G. Noted:H. Jensational:I. Firetitan8:J. cHUNKygnocchi:K. ham6691:L. Deafgeek:M. Schlurp:N. Nesman:O. Disco Stews Party Van:P. DudeCats:Q. girlTrex:R. Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker:S. Shay HammoWolf:T. deadleeplatapus:Entrants voted: 30/36Poll votes: 100Jurors voted: 5/5 Last edited by mgawalangmagawa; Fri, Dec 29th, 2017 at 03:02 PM .