Every time you bite into a hot dog, you can rest assured that only 20 percent of it is pulped ape diaper. That's because every few years, certified food inspectors visit factories and make sure there are no human-like screams coming from the meat vats. We don't have those kinds of safeties in place when it comes to romantic advice. Dating tips can be up to 100 percent rat parts, and you don't need a license to distribute them. You can be a woman in a saddle, a strange voice coming from under a chemical toilet, or in this case: Fox News.

Fox News provides one public service -- they say crazy, stupid things to get the gullible elderly angry enough to cling to life. They are good at this job. Before Fox News told our grandparents that everyone was a communist, our elderly had to build rage by hating rhythm guitar and Orientals. Well, now FoxNews.com has published an article dumb enough to outrage every generation: "10 Pranks That Will Spice Up Your Relationship."

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It was written by their style editor and nitwit Amber Milt, whose previous online credits include a clumsy listing of seven overexposed break-ups she vaguely remembers ("Jonny Depp and 6 Other Shocking Celebrity Splits") and eight sentences partially describing 10 publicity photos of Prince William ("10 Reasons Why Prince William Really IS Prince Charming"). I guess my point is the same one I've made many times before: check out this goddamn moron.

Well, if his email isn't working, I guess he'll have to text you to say you have the sense of humor of crib death. Ladies, if this is the kind of thing you do to your husband, here's how you really get his goat. Continue your pranking, only with as many pens as you can hold in your colon. It will add a sexy secret to your mischief! Next, replace all his live ammunition with blanks. When he finally wakes up one night and stares blankly at you for an hour before putting a gun in his mouth, he will be hilariously not dead! And that's not even the best part. The best part will be his face when you explain that he wrote that suicide note with a butt pen. Gotcha.