How to Make Friends As An Introvert

Being an introvert in a culture of extroverts is difficult. You deal with an internal struggle of wanting to join a large group of people to laugh and mingle with. You like the idea of spending time with people for the entire day without draining yourself.

But introverts usually have the awful tendency to avoid people who have the potential to be their friend. They worry about the possibilities that after spending several days days with someone, they’ll grow tired and want to hide from civilization for no apparent reason, thus ruining the friendship. We then imagine the person who we avoided hating us, not wanting to do anything with us anymore.

As someone who damaged a few friendships that way, I know the problems of desiring your alone time but finding it difficult to explain that reason without appearing arrogant or selfish.

I can easily tell someone, “As an introvert, although what we did was fun, I need to cut all contact from you for the next few days until my energy replenishes itself.”

But telling anyone that sentence isn’t as simple as that. Despite our natural tendencies, people can still assume we’re pushing them away because it makes you appear as if you’re using them for your own personal pleasure.

Not everyone understand the introvert lifestyle and many people assume introverts who push others away are doing it either out of spite or lost of interest.

But oftentimes, if an introvert spends multiple hours with you but find the need to be alone, it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s only a sign that the introverted friend needs time to themselves so they could build their own mental energy up.

The Everyday Problem That Introverts Face in Today’s Age

Introverts watch people make socializing appear natural and easy to accomplish. And although an introvert do enjoy their alone time, whether it be for one day or week, they often come across the same problem. Which is the realization of having little to no friends.

It sucks realizing your friend list shortening over the years because the idea of finding someone to invest your time and energy into is scary. And yet despite how much you enjoy isolation, you still know the importance of communication.

The other day, I encountered a funny post that labeled this highlighted text from a textbook stating the dangers of isolation.

Spending time with your books, movies, or Netflix is relaxing, but it can’t replace the comfort of speaking to another human being. Books can’t replace the joy of telling someone your inner thoughts, your greatest desires, or your worst fears.

Parts of the joy of being an introvert isn’t the fact that we like to limit our friendships or communication with people. It’s finding that special someone who we can finally share our strange and unique thoughts with.

The opportunity to share what goes on through our minds is a desire greater than having 100 friends because you nearly treat that one friend as family. It’s why introverted friendships last for years and when they break apart, can feel like getting stabbed with a dagger.

Why is it difficult for Introverts to make Friends?

The short and easy answer is, making friends requires investing your time and energy into socializing. Time and energy that the average introvert won’t possess. Besides, no introvert has the energy to continuously go out every night in the hopes of finding a friend. But it gets a little more complicated.

As an introvert, there was probably a time when someone told you to get out of your ‘comfort zone’. But saying that to an introvert is like telling a flower to grow without depending on the sun. Such as how a flower needs the sun’s energy to remain healthy, an introvert needs their comfort zone to remain mentally well. They use their comfort zone to recharge themselves before facing the world.

Extroverts may make up the vast majority of the world, but that doesn’t mean we have to embrace their lifestyle. We just have to learn to navigate the pitfalls of the extroverted culture to find a place that suits our particular style of being in the world.

But many introverts make the mistake of assuming they need to go to large events to find friends. They watch movies where the main character attends a party and meets an attractive person who takes them away. They watch television shows where the “introverted” girl gets swarmed off her feet by a supernatural character.

But the moment an introvert decides to face their fears and attend a large event, they still come out of it with no friends and assume themselves failures. I know introverts who went out multiple times, but came back empty handed with no friends as a reward.

When an introvert compares the amount of energy they spent socializing versus what they gained from it, they find themselves in a losing situation. It’s like someone going on a diet of only celery sticks and gaining twice the weight. As a result, the average introvert gets stressed and drop the idea of finding a friend.

The funny truth is that extroverts experience the same problem as introverts. They go out, meet a few interesting people and return home friendless. But what usually separates them from introverts is that they have the energy to continuously go back out to socialize and gain people trust until they find a friend. Or in their case, 10 friends.

Is it fair? Probably not, but it’s the way we’re built. There’s people who can eat 10 double-cheese burgers and not gain a single pound, and there’s people who eat a single candy bar and gain 5 pounds. People are built differently.

But how do you find friends an introvert?

I usually write in the assumption that you already have friends in some way or another, and give tips on ways to initiate contact with them. Two examples are:

The Adult Guide to Overcome Loneliness and Make Friends

The Easiest Way to Make Friends As an Adult

However, I’m going at the assumption that you have no friends and want to start from scratch.

Enroll Yourself Into a Group Session (Preferably a Classroom)

Take group classes, Meetup groups, book clubs, church committees, yoga classes or any place that has a wide variety of people. It’s preferred if you choose a community in which you have to pay to be apart of. That way, you’ll be less tempted to back out in the last second.

Participating in group discussions or environments is one of the easiest ways to meet new people who share your similar interests. It doesn’t matter what you want to learn whether it’s computer animation, cooking, painting, or programming.

There’s always going to be a class presenting that opportunity for you to join. And once you join those type of classes similar to your needs, you’ll find yourself in a location where you’ll be surrounded by those just like you.

Not too long ago I enrolled in a computer science class and I didn’t know how to present myself to anyone. I kept mainly to myself, and occasionally during a class discussion I offered tips on how to program a webpage or solve a binary problem.

It didn’t take long before the other classmates wanted to know who I was and one thing led to the other. Before I knew it, I spent more time with those students outside of the classroom discussing ways to build computers or create websites. I’m still friends with them to this day and it was all because of that one computer class I got into.

If you’re looking to find a friend of the opposite gender, then enroll into a classroom or group session that would dominate for that gender. For example, if you’re a woman looking for a male friend, consider programming classes, anything related to sports, or even video games. If you’re a man looking for a female friend, consider the options of enrolling into a dance, art, or cooking class.

Take Advantage of the Internet

Since we’re already online, we might as well make some use of it. Perhaps you don’t have the money or resources to travel outside of your venue. No worries.

The next step is to enroll yourself into a website that requires a membership. Those include Forums, dating sites, or Q & As. Those are the best type of places to chat with people similar to you. If you’d like to check out our Forums, start a conversation with someone who’s on there. If you’d like to check out other Forums, there’s:

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Reddit Introverts Subsection

Before being taken away by other priorities, I made many friends online who first started off as someone I simply shared a similar interest with. On an old video game website, there was a chat-room I spent hours at daily speaking to various people. It was comfortable being in an environment that I enjoyed, and if I liked someone enough we transitioned our relationship into the email stage.

Personally, I enjoy chat rooms because they’re quick to speak to someone in real time. But regardless of what platform you choose, it’s important to contentiously participate in the group. Post useful information and give tips to other members who need it.

I understand that you might be afraid of sending a message because of a negative feedback, but finding friendship means making yourself vulnerable. You can’t expect someone to embrace the true you if you’re too scared to show them.

Otherwise, you’re only presenting them with a false image of yourself that you will never be satisfied with. Once you build a strong connection with someone online, you can move to the next stage which is exchanging emails, Facebook, Myspace (haha, had to say it), or Skype. If you live close to each other, you can ask them out to have a drink with you.

Get An Outdoor Pet (Specifically a Dog)

Nothing catches people’s attention than seeing a cute dog walk besides its owner. Like magnets, they’re drawn to them so they can play with the dog until the owner tells them to beat it.

But there’s a huge advantage for getting a dog for introverts because it’ll draw people to you rather the opposite. Your dog will be the one who’ll be given all the attention rather than yourself.

Once the other person is happy with the dog, they’ll bring their positive attention to you. From there, you can conjure a conversation about where you got the dog, what kind of dog it is, and any other question they have in mind. You can then ask about their history with dogs and if they have any pets.

Having a dog also gives you the opportunity to visit dog parks and speak to other dog owners as the dogs play with each other.

In final thoughts…

Whether you choose to meet someone in a classroom, online, or at a dog park, be aware of your thoughts and action. Don’t go the extroverted route by speaking to a variety of people to find the one person who matches you.

Focus on one-on-one interactions where your inquisitiveness is sought for and your feelings are shared. Be thoughtful when speaking to anyone by remembering important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, or any accomplishment they made.

Not too many people pay attention to such details and you’ll be more appreciated if they see that you do. Most importantly, give it time. To sustain a powerful friendship, you have to share bits of yourself throughout a series of days.

Friendships form after getting the chance to share your thoughts, feelings, and passions with someone. You might not click with someone upon your first approach with them.

I have friendships with people who I didn’t even liked that much upon first meeting them. But overtime as I got to know them bit by bit, I grew to love them like family. Avoid pushing for possible friendships and don’t try to impress anyone. Just be you and show up when you have to.

For more like this, check out:

The Harsh Truth That Makes Introverts Lives Miserable

How to Force Yourself to Socialize as an Introvert

How to Find a Date as an Introvert