Our son lives across the country from us. We visit twice a year. My daughter-in-law, who was raised abroad but speaks perfect English, wants my granddaughter, 4, to be bilingual. She has only spoken to her in her native language from the day she was born. This doesn’t change when we visit. We sit clueless for long stretches while they talk. The same thing happens to my son, who barely speaks their language. We don’t object to our granddaughter learning another language, but we don’t want to feel so left out. Do you agree that this behavior is totally rude?

SUZY

I don’t think this behavior is even minimally rude. The cardinal rule of raising a bilingual child is that one parent speaks to her exclusively in one language, while the other speaks only in the second. Your son and daughter-in-law seem to be doing an A-1 job, and being bilingual will be magnifique for your granddaughter. (I promise that none of this is an attack on you.)

But you don’t mention any discussion with your son or daughter-in-law about language ground rules. That’s a great place to start feeling better. Say: “How can we be more part of the conversation while we’re here?” It may be cumbersome for a little girl to translate chats with her mom into English, but pretending your ride to the mall is a session at the United Nations sounds like fun.

I am also inferring something you don’t say outright: That this whole bilingual business is something your daughter-in-law imposed on your poor son and grandchild. I doubt that. My experience with bilingual families is that agreement by both parents is crucial. But that’s a legitimate question, too: “Was deciding on a bilingual household a hard call?” Try to be upbeat. You had your crack at raising children. Now it’s their turn. And raining on their parade will only make you an unpopular houseguest.