VEN (VIRGINIA) — In a bizarre press conference Saturday, future-former Virgina governor Ralph “Coonman” Northam denied reports that he was pictured in black face in his medical school yearbook, explaining to reporters that he had no idea “how that colored boy photobombed what is clearly — as far as I can recall — a candid photograph of Strom Thurmond at one of our Mystic Knights of the Sea Minstrel Shows that we put on every fall to encourage the darkies to use contraceptives and not to get all hopped up on illegal drugs and malt liquor and rob convenience stores after midnight, which — unfortunately — is part of their cultural heritage.”

Mr Northam then stunned reporters by claiming that he himself is 1/8 black on his father’s side, and that the nickname “Coonman” is a corruption of his real nickname “Octoroon Man,” that Ticonderoga Peoples — “a notoriously lazy Negra boy” in charge of producing the annual got wrong.

“I’m as black as Carol Channing. Maybe more so. Lookie here — ain’t nobody realize how hard it be passin as white, less y’all seen Showboat or Pinky or Imitation of Life. Or try to moonwalk in y’all bitch azz Sperry Docksider kicks!

“Anawaze, Ize jess heppy dat becauze of y’all I can now comes out the closet an embrace my colored roots!”

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