Opinion: White People Need to Stop Celebrating Columbus Day Because Italians Are Not Real Whites

Columbus day has become an incredibly controversial holiday in recent years. Some call it an integral part of our cultural heritage, others a sham holiday celebrating the life of a genocidal colonizer. Somehow in all of the back and forth Americans have lost sight of what’s truly important: None of this debate matters because Italians aren’t real whites to begin with.

Sure, they’d like us to think they are, but the minute they open their Bologna holes it’s “boopity boppa” this and “spicy meatball I need Alka Seltzer” that. Let us never forget that this savage pack of cologne wearing garlic eaters does not represent us.

Sadly, I’ve seen many of my fellow pure, Aryan brethren joining arm-in-arm with Italians against the SJWs who want to change Columbus Day to Indigenous People Day. The fact is, we true members of the master race don’t have a dog in that fight. It’s an Alien v. Predator scenario. Whoever wins, we lose.

This is hardly a new development. Ever since those greasy fusilli fiends started oozing their way into the USA they’ve been using their dirty noodle grabbers to pinch and claw their way into white society. But the fact remains, Italians are not white, and no good can ever come from experiencing a culture that is not your own. And I’m not going to stand idly by as the lily-white, mayonnaise on white bread-munching soul of America is corrupted.

Italians have spent the last century perfecting the art of appearing to be white. Here are some tips for identifying the Italian sleeper cells in your neighborhood.

Tip 1: Watch their eyes: Particularly, how the moon hits them. Is it like a big pizza pie? That will tell you everything you need to know.

Tip 2: Refer to pasta sauce as “gravy” in front of them. If they don’t immediately correct you and worry that you must be having some kind of stroke, they are probably a filthy Italian.

Tip 3: Check their Loins! Italians are unnaturally horny. Remember, you have the legal right as an American to ask anyone, at anytime, for any reason, how horny they are. It’s in the constitution!

TIp 4: Check and see if they are watching The Godfather on their phone. Most Italians can’t go more than 20 minutes without watching this film before succumbing to a sickness similar to the bends.

Tip 5: Listen for racial slurs. Italians are notoriously racist.

The Italian menace has wormed its way deep into the fabric of white America, but it’s not too late to weed them out. I know that together we can restore the purity of our glorious white race or my name isn’t Herschel Goldstein.