Oh my gosh, y’all. YALL. Everyone else can go ahead and pack up and go home because my New Years santa won. It’s not a competition, but it’s totally actually a competition and they won. I will fight you, don’t try me. I won’t actually fight you. But like, if I did, I would win. Just like my santa.

Not only did they patiently wade through my may-as-well-been-30-page-thesis bio, they managed to surprise me with three (3!) (THREE)!! things to help me achieve my ridiculously oddball 2020 goals. 1- defatify my cat Sophie, who is on Kitty Craig and believes Exercise is cruel and unusual. 2- Get back into my weird art nerd side project involving instant film. 3- practice more self love!

The cat toy ball is one of those cool self-moving balls that don’t require me or her in order for it to move. So far it’s been the highlight of my night— she’s obsessed but also scared of it, and she runs whenever it starts in her direction. It’s like watching a fat jack black run in slow motion. 10/10 would recommend! I would take a video, but I’m gonna level with you: my apartment currently looks like an episode of Hoarders (this is hyperbole, people, I’m just messy) and I’m not about to have video evidence of my eternal shame on the internet. Marie Kondo can just step off because you know what brings me joy? Clothes on the floor, Marie, clothes on the floor!

The second thing was some film for my film project. It’s absolutely my baby and if I can figure out how to hide it from reverse image search (not about to dox myself for all of reddit, fam) I will post a photo of what I do. I’ve been slacking on it since I moved, but it’s just genuinely important to me so I’m thrilled to get more film!!

The third thing is clearly in response to my self love resolution, because negging yourself is so 2007. Somewhere out there is teen poetry ft. such gems as “Baked Syphilis & Cheesecake” and we just don’t need that kind of toxicity in our lives, okay? My santa gifted me these darling affirmation cards, and I’m in love! SO cute, and the kind of daily positivity my inner Pete Wentz really needs.

In summation, we should alll slow clap for an awesome santa, who went well above and beyond with these perfect gifts!