After several years’ worth of attending college parties as a non-drinker, I am noticing a concerning trend: we alcohol-free anomalies just are not meeting everyone’s expectations. When we show up to parties, ready to enjoy ourselves without bothering anyone or making a scene, we are a disappointment. Why? Because we are not judging people enough. Not by a long shot.

I’m simply not going to stand for this. We need to give the people what they want! And that’s pure, condescending, outrageous judgment. Which is what we’re supposed to be good at, aren’t we!? Isn’t that what we signed up for when we made the personal decision that for whatever reason we didn’t really feel like drinking?

Well fear no more, for I have come up with an ingenious plan to provide more than enough narrow-minded judgment for everyone that likes to party and party hard. All I had to do was dig up my collection of the most common things drinkers say to me at parties when they discover my cup is empty, and adapt them for our own judgmental agenda! I suggest you memorize this list and find yourself a party quick! There are judgments and unsolicited opinions that need sharing!

Statements to use IMMEDIATELY

1) You drink? Really? No way that is SO weird!

2) Why do you drink? Is it because of your religion or something? *knowing glance It is, isn’t it.

3) Just try it one time! Not drinking, I mean.

4) I used to be scared of not drinking too, before I really knew what I was talking about.

5) Are you worried your parents will find out if you don’t drink?? You must care a lot about what your parents think, huh? I used to be like that, when I was still a child.

6) The more often you don’t drink, I promise, you won’t taste anything.

7) Come on, I bet you would be SUCH A FUN sober person.

8) When you’re sober, you’re suddenly allowed to do so many things you can’t get away with otherwise! Like driving.

9) Do I seem like I haven’t been drinking right now? Yeah I know, it’s because I’ve gotten so used to not drinking that it totally doesn’t even affect me anymore.

10) How can you have an opinion about not drinking if you haven’t really tried it?

11) I’m sooooo sober right now, and when you’re standing there all drunk it makes me feel so self conscious! I can see it in your eyes! Stop!

12) You DON’T want to be the designated driver?? Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Let’s start with that, and see how it goes.