Like holding a tiny, fragile demon. (Picture: About a Boy)

Admitting you don’t like babies is the first step. The first step in making people think you are a total monster.

Because it goes against nature. You are literally going against all your evolutionary instincts to think babies are adorable and want to have your own ASAP.

But it’s normal to dislike babies or be afraid of them. Or just think they’re creepy and weird. Because they are.

And we all need to stop lying to ourselves.


1. They’re boring as f*ck

Ooh, look, it blinked. Now it’s made a noise. Can we watch a movie now?

2. Their tiny hands are terrifying

So easy to crush.



3. In fact, their tiny everything is terrifying

Small things are creepy. Fact.

4. You are horrified by how fragile they are

If I drop this, accidentally smack it in the head, or leave it outside in the rain, it’s probably going to be permanently damaged. How is that not the scariest thing in the world to people?

5. You’re very used to people looking at you like a heartless monster when you reveal your anti-baby stance

Dude, I’m not against the creation of life. They just freak me out.

6. You live in fear of the moment when someone will ask you: ‘Can you just hold little Timothy for a minute?’

Nope, my arms don’t work. Soz.

7. That ‘newborn baby smell’ is sickening

Ew.

8. You have felt awful about your lack of reaction to an ultrasound

Yes. That is a blob. Congrats.

I’m sorry, I swear I’m happy for your joyous journey, I just feel literally nothing looking at this pixelated photo.

9. You don’t GET baby talk

I’ll just talk to this small person like an adult, or not at all, thanks.

10. Or how people deal with cleaning up their poop

I mean, serious respect to everyone who does this. But can we stop pretending this isn’t a horrible, awful part of life?

11. Your fake ‘awww, that’s so adorable!’ reaction deserves an Oscar, TBH

Because after the third time of being shown a tiny pair of shoes, or a picture of a baby face down in some spaghetti, you realised that having literally zero reaction will elicit shock and horror from all your friends and co-workers.

12. You sometimes doubt whether a ‘cute baby’ is really a thing

Is everyone just pretending to enjoy these tiny squished up faces?

13. And feel a LOT of pressure to know which babies are cute and which are not

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. LIKE POTATOES.

14. A large majority of viral YouTube videos do absolutely nothing for you

‘OMG the baby did a thing!’ Nope, nothing.

15. You often feel like they get way too much praise and it’s not fair

Applauding your baby each time it poops is just a terrible message for their future and what they should expect from life. They have accomplished nothing.

Where is my applause? I woke up on the second snooze button this morning. Don’t I deserve praise?

16. You’re guilty of making the wrong face in response to someone’s ‘I’m pregnant!’ announcement

Turns out that after a certain age, you’re meant to think it’s exciting. Not respond with ‘oh my god, are you okay? What are you going to do?’

17. Invitations to christenings and babies’ birthday parties are a minefield

What’s an appropriate present for a baby? Stamps?

Will there be alcohol at this party? Is the baby going to try to host? Because I really don’t think it’s up to it.

18. Their crying is like a horror movie come to life

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, DEMON?

19. And you’re very unsettled by the fact that anything can set them off

Oh no, oh no, oh no, what do I do now? Where is the off button?

20. You are unbearably awkward around them and it’s embarrassing

You’ve probably tried to make small talk with a baby, asked them about their job, and then remembered that they can’t talk.

Oh great, their mum’s just walked back in, and they think you’re insane.



21. You get in a lot of trouble for referring to babies as ‘it’

It happens.

22. You secretly suspect that they don’t like you, either

Why else do they cry whenever you’re nearby? The babies know.

23. Watching them eat is genuinely disgusting

Please, people, stop sharing photos of them ADORABLY rubbing cake all over their face.

24. People sometimes assume you are a cold, emotionless robot immune to cuteness

Just because I don’t like your small child doesn’t mean I don’t like actual cute things.

You should see my ‘pugs running gifs’ folder.

25. When you are unlucky enough to be near a baby, you sit rigidly in fear of being puked on

Or pooped on. Or cried at.

26. Banning babies from public places actually sounds like a great idea

I’m sorry, I know it’s awful, but wouldn’t it be nice to read a book or drink a fancy cup of tea without hearing screaming babies?

They don’t know what’s going on. They’re not bothered about missing a trip to a nice restaurant. Leave them at home.

27. You are very used to being told ‘it’ll all be different when you have your own’

Um. Don’t think trying out that theory is worth the risk.

In short: No babies, thanks.

MORE: 12 things you only know if you don’t want kids

MORE: 21 reasons to hate kids

MORE: 25 things only emotionally unavailable people know

MORE: 26 daily affirmations created especially for British people

Advertisement Advertisement