The beginning of a new school year. Time to organize, buy some books, and prepare mentally for some intense learning. However, along with the excitement (and depression) that is bundled in with the new school year comes something else: My finely tuned procrastination skills. I know that procrastination is a quality that is inherent in many college students. But I don’t just dabble in procrastination. It is my profession and I excel at it.

(By the way: I’m not an idiot. I know the school year started months ago. It just so happens that I procrastinate so much that I ended up procrastinating writing this post on procrastination so much that I am only getting to it now rather than when the school year began.)

The school year always starts out the same. I have my books all organized, folders and notebooks labeled, fresh pens waiting to take notes, and a noggin full of motivation. Basically, I transform from summer mode into badass, hardcore scholar mode within a matter of days. All the slacking and laziness goes out the window. I toss my flip flops into the closet and lace up my learning shoes. I hang up my baseball cap and strap on my thinking-cap. The sunglasses come off and the reading glasses go on. (I actually do not wear reading glasses but I’m really trying to stress the mental transcendence that I undergo when summer ends with all the school-y items. Come to think of it I do not have a thinking-cap or specific learning shoes either. Whatever. The main idea that I am trying to get across here is that I get totally in gear for school when summer ends. That is all.) I become a machine.

Unfortunately, this whole motivation-packed mindset that I get last for about 3 hours or until I realize that it is still super nice out and that I should go for a bike ride. Whichever comes first.

Poof! Instantly motivation has been shoved under the bed and instantly forgotten. Actually, being shoved under the bed is putting it too lightly. It’s more like my motivation gets mauled and ripped apart by my procrastination.

Sorry motivation, I have better things to do. Once all traces of motivation have been shed, I go off and oblige my desires by doing exactly what I want when I want. Read pages 34-78? Maybe when I’m done with this hike. Edit my paper? If there is time after I make a sandwich. Prepare my speech for tomorrow? But everyone is going out tonight!

Once I lose all resistance to temptation (which is pretty much immediately), I have invited my little friend, procrastination to take things over. The nice thing is, procrastination makes me feel good immediately and I’m happy in the moment by rationalizing with myself and saying, “It’ll get done soon.” The lame thing is, I’m pretty much only happy in that moment and so 8 hours later when I am up at 4:30 am, I am cursing my very existence. Procrastination, therefore, is not like eating a delicious dinner where hours later I will be like, “Yay! I am still full! I am experiencing happiness from eating that!” Procrastination is more like not getting kicked in the nuts right now at this moment but then getting kicked in the nuts like 40 times 2 hours later instead.

The interesting thing is, I still procrastinate even though the feel-good part of it is so brief and minor while the awful, regret-filled part lasts for so much longer. I still claim that smidgen of pleasure from putting off homework for a few hours even though I know full well that staying up all until 4 A.M. makes me want to light myself on fire.

So at this point I have fallen deep within the quagmire of procrastination. The only way out at this point is to be jolted by getting an “F” on an assignment or for a professor to say something like:

“Hey Danny, not to be an A-hole or anything, but the work you have handed into me looks like the product of a epileptic squirrel seizure-ing on a keyboard. Are you on drugs by any chance?”

I honestly believe that negative feedback like this would shock the motivation back into me at least for a few days.

Unfortunately, this never happens. Somehow, against all odds, I end up getting decent grades! What the hell karma? Where were you when I got an “A” on that book report that was on the book that I “couldn’t find time to read?” Shouldn’t I be punished by some higher power for cramming for an exam the night before? Apparently not. And so, my habit it reinforced indefinitely.

Now I am 22 and the habit is so deeply engrained in me that I have come to accept it as a permanent malady. Procrastination is to Danny as Sonny is to Cher. Or rather, Procrastination is to Danny as “believing crazy stupid things” is to Scientology.

Please don’t send the aliens after me Mr. Hubbard.