David Pisarra explains how men are trained not to hit back, then shamed for not defending themselves.

___

Editor’s Note: This article is the second in a four-part series: “What About the Men.” The first can be found here.

Boys are told “Never hit a woman.” Male domestic violence survivors are told, “Why couldn’t you defend yourself against a woman?”

This is the first logical dilemma that men face in today’s society. On the one hand men are trained from birth to be gentle to women, to defend women, to treat a woman with kid gloves, on the other hand we belittle men cannot defend themselves in the face of an attack from a woman.

When a relationship turns violent, the man is faced with the dual conflicting messages and a paralyzing sense of confusion.

When a relationship turns violent, the man is faced with the dual conflicting messages and a paralyzing sense of confusion. If he does defend himself from a physical attack—he’s likely to be called a “wife beater” “abuser” and belittled with the phrase “what kind of man has to hit a woman?” If he doesn’t defend himself and is injured, when the police or emergency room personnel interview him, he’s often asked, “Why couldn’t you defend yourself?” or “How could you let this happen?”

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

“I’m 240 pounds and covered in tattoos and I’m going to walk into a courtroom and tell the judge this 140-pound girl beat me up?”

Then there is the social shaming that occurs, because what kind of wimp gets beat up by a woman? How much of a ‘pansy’, ‘pussy’ or the ever popular ‘fag’ is he? The police and the courts are not a lot better, in their treatment of male victims. As domestic violence survivor Tommy rhetorically put it in the documentary, What About The Men? Exploring the Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, “I’m 240 pounds and covered in tattoos and I’m going to walk into a courtroom and tell the judge this 140-pound girl beat me up?”

According to the National Violence Against Women Survey, more than 830,000 men fall victim to domestic violence every year. For the 1 in 4 men who are victims of domestic violence the level of services available is beyond pathetic. In Los Angeles county, a population of 12 million people, there are two—that’s right, two—shelters that will accept men and their children for emergency shelter services.

The oldest in the county is Valley Oasis in Lancaster, CA, that has accepted men and children since the mid-80s. The second shelter to provide a full suite of services for men is Haven Hills in the San Fernando Valley, which just started accepting male victims of domestic violence in June of 2015. Development of services for men clearly grows a glacial pace, and that is due in part to the hesitancy of men to stand up and say they were abused because there so few services for them, which leads to the second logical dilemma.

♦◊♦

The male survivor of domestic violence faces two bad options: stay and take the abuse, or leave and lose everything, because there are almost no services to help him and protect his rights and relationship to his children. The service providers are not providing access or outreach, because there are so few men, which only keeps the men hidden because there’s no help. It’s a feedback loop that serves to keep men abused and underserved and allow the abusive spouse to continue to abuse the family—because if a parent is being abused, a child is being abused.

By producing a documentary where male victims speak out, and experts from mental health, social change organizations, law enforcement, and the domestic violence industry start talking about this underserved population, I hope to raise awareness and with that, put a stop to the domestic violence endured by the millions of men in America today, who feel they have no voice.

The documentary What About The Men? (www.WhatAboutTheMen.com) is in production and we have a crowdfunding campaign on IndieGoGo. We want people join our community, because the number of individuals is more important to us than the money. When we have a large number of community members we can show government agencies, domestic violence shelters, and corporations that there is a huge underserved population and they need help.

So long as men are trapped in the no-win situation, as long as they are underserved, domestic abuse and violence will continue—it is only by speaking up and out that we can put a stop to the pain and suffering, to break the cycle of abuse and make this world a safer place for all of us.

It is only by individuals coming forward that we can put an end to the trauma of domestic violence. I want to hear and share your story of overcoming abuse. If you want to help, write to me at [email protected].

Photo—Mark Ramsay/Flickr