GvB Mar 10, 2007

by Fragmaster





Hello friends!



I baked cookies today. I prefer chocolate chip cookies that are a little on the crispy side, almost like sweet crackers as opposed to chewy or doughy cookies. You can accomplish this by cutting some of the sugar out of the recipe and replacing it with 2 tablespoons of corn syrup.



I decided to make cookies because one of my friends was feeling really down after a bad day at work, not that you closeted torture fetishists would know what it's like to have friends, let alone what it's like to feel the touch of a woman. But I also baked cookies for you. When you're doing baking of any kind, getting the recipe order correct is important.



Even with a simple recipe like cookies, you need to pay attention to what comes first and how it is done. It's a good habit to follow the directions by the letter until you get a feel for what can be cut or changed. This habit will serve you well when you begin working with more complicated recipes. You're all filth.



Yes, that's right. Every last one of you is filth. In this case, you have to melt the butter first so it can cool before you add in the chocolate chips. Otherwise they melt into the cookie dough.







Next you mix up the dry and the wet ingredients separately, you miserable bigoted cowards. You want to be able to sift the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients to ensure even distribution, otherwise you would spew racist and hate-filled bullshit from behind a disingenuous facade of realism and rationality as if torturing fifteen year olds and imprisoning them without charge for years was truly in our long-term national best interest.







I despise you. That's why I prefer to use dark brown sugar with a high molasses content, even though the recipe calls for light brown sugar. I think it gives the cookies a nice molasses-y flavor you self-centered, hate-filled children.







Here's the cookies being scooped out onto the sheet just before they head into the oven. I really like Anolon jelly-roll baking sheets because they seem to heat evenly and the high sides make them useful for a lot of baking tasks, but none of you would know that because you feed like animals from a trough of violent sensationalist news and glory in the abuse of fundamental human rights. You discuss the semantics of what it means to truly torture a person as if you had the faintest inkling of what it means to suffer. Mercy is foreign to you. You are ignorant savages so far removed from principles of human decency that if you were suddenly thrust into the resurrected presence of the framers of the Constitution, they would immediately begin spewing blood from every orifice and their souls would yearn for the grave.







Now the cookies go into the oven. You know they're getting done when they begin to flatten out and crisp up around the edges. You causally wish death on children. You have no concept of justice other than that of the sword, and it fails to penetrate your stunted consciousnesses that it is possible to recognize and preserve the humanity of a criminal while not condoning their actions. It escapes you that we should strive to be better than those we publicly condemn. I have no idea which of you is trolling. I'm not sure I care. The fact that there is casual acceptance anywhere of practices pioneered by the inquisition is a spew of vomit across the honor and dignity of this nation. You praise the casting down of habeas corpus and due process like fanatics cheering the destruction of a false idol. To those of you who look at the case of Omar Khadr and see righteousness in his indefinite imprisonment, or who respond with a world-weary shrug of the shoulders, I say this: I regret your existence.







And they're done! I like to make my cookies spell out messages.







And that's a batch of cookies. Please join me next week when I bake a tart tartine depicting your mother getting gang-raped by a platoon of Russian paratroopers.