If Fifty Shades of Grey Had Been Written by a Queer Lady, in Haiku

Anna Pulley’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Illustrator credit: Kelsey Beyer

Fifty Shades of Spay

Our heroine finds

herself enslaved by the CUTEST

tripod tabby.

Fifty Shades of Stay

Surprise! That “contract”

you signed was for a time-share

in Provincetown!

Fifty Shades of Gay

A bisexual

is born and no one questions

her identity.

Fifty Shades of Essay

A lesbian tome

on all that’s wrong with the books.

In Papyrus font.

Fifty Shades of Bombay

In which a woman’s

kink is revealed to be lip-

syncing in saris.

Fifty Shades of Tanqueray

A very drunk

woman tries to seduce a

fountain for three hours.

Fifty Shades of A.A.

Two sober gals quickly

realize they’re incompatible.

And move on.

Fifty Shades of OK

Two women meet, and

they both respect each other’s

boundaries. The End.

Fifty Shades of Bray

A lesbian tries

to explain the timeless

allure of Fran Drescher.

Fifty Shades of Buffet

Two babes give new

meaning to the phrase “all you can

eat.” Then they take a nap.

Fifty Shades of Sallie Mae

A forty-year-old

woman finally pays off

her student loans!

Fifty Shades of Crochet

Post-breakup, two girls

continue to meet at the club they

founded: Knit Happens.

Fifty Shades of Sick Pay

Two pro bono lawyers

fall in love during a routine

workers’ comp case.

Fifty Shades of Papier-Mache

A woman pretends

she’s impressed by her date’s

macaroni sculptures.

Fifty Shades of Hey Girl Hey

It’s just like the real

books, but with Ryan Gosling,

whom lesbians love.

Fifty Shades of Hit the Hay

Two buxom beauties

learn to understand the importance

of REM sleep.

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