Have you ever been so disillusioned by love? Have you found yourself just looking at your partner and no longer feel refreshed to be with them… just burdened, knowing the end of your relationship was inevitable? God, I spent many years fighting those feelings, fighting for a marriage that I knew could not be revived but praying to God for a miracle that would change our hearts and minds. That emotional entrapment that crushed my soul and I am sure the soul of my former partner. I knew I didn’t love him anymore, so why did I fight for half of our marriage to make it better? Was it really for the kids?

No. I don’t think so. Truth is, I held on because I lost hope that a lasting love was out there and if relationships were all just going to end up like this one, why would I break my family apart by leaving.

Things got bad enough that I eventually realized that I would be happier raising the children on my own and just doing whatever I wanted for the first time in my life, so I left.

I dated “J”, knowing he was different than every guy I had ever met, but I didn’t want to get married because in the back of my mind, I simply didn’t believe that anything could last. I’m pragmatic, scientific. there was a period of time in out relationship where I would explain the science behind the “feeling” of love several times a week, and that it was not a matter of if, but when those emotions would fade.

Through those talks J and I were able to formulate a plan to keep the communication open and romance alive. I mean, I presume most couples make those same agreements between one another, but it’s been working beautifully for us for the last 3 years (knock on wood) and he gives me butterflies the same as when we first started dating.

Communicating about anything and everything helps prevent the disappointment and resentment that comes with disillusionment.

When I was battling cervical cancer, I faced the idea of death. I didn’t necessarily believe I was going to die, but like many, I associated “cancer” to “death”, so I started to ponder on the matter. I grew up christian, I had been saved, I lived a good, mostly moral life, and though I put on a brave face and claimed I wasn’t afraid of death, the thought of an afterlife didn’t give me peace, it gave me anxiety attacks.

I was good with heaven, but according to the Bible there had already been one war in heaven, what would happen if there was another? Alternatively, the thought of having a consciousness that would experience the cosmos was fascinating, but then how could I find the ones I loved? Would emotion that even be a factor on that level? I am a human and I have a hard time wrapping my head around eternity when everything I have ever known has had a beginning and end, love especially.

Those questions started to make me question the legitimacy of my faith, and the other faiths of the world, after all, there are many belief systems in this world and everyone has different interpretations of their selected faiths. What resulted was a disillusionment of biblical proportions (see what I did there?). Some call it a crisis of faith, I call it a liberation, understanding that the human race in it’s entirety, does NOT have it’s shit together. That makes me feel so much better that we’re all just kinda making things up as we go along.

Sharing this journey with my husband brought us closer, sharing my doubts and questions that had no answers, sharing the angst I felt over the contradictions in scriptures and the fact that 52 books were not added into the bible because they had a very distinct or competing theology. My hubby has listened to several talks regarding the evolution of women’s rights to our body and how many of the scriptures regarding the treatment of women, concubines, and slaves, no longer have a place. He too, is thankful that I wasn’t forced to marry my rapist with fifty shekels of silver paid to my father for the inconvenience (Deuteronomy 22:29).

Whew… I guess it’s easy to see I have issues with the politics of religion. I don’t know if I’m destined to experience the death of love (I rather hope not). I do, however, know one day I will die, we all will. I don’t know if our consciousness will live on somewhere, but I tend to take solace in the fact that we are made up of energy and that energy is constantly changing and continues to transform after our passing. From the air, light and nutrients that we consume to keep our bodies alive, to the energy and nutrients expelled during and after our life, we are a part of a life cycle that marches on. I find that absolutely refreshing.

Moral of the story, taking calculated risks is usually a great idea. Don’t hold back, especially when dealing with matters of the heart because life is short and there isn’t conclusive evidence of an afterlife.