How To Become Attractive As A Man

Self-awareness is the necessary foundation for any substantial progress towards your goals. In fact, if you don’t develop enough self-awareness, you can easily get stuck in a pattern of making the same mistake over and over again, without knowing what mistake you’re even making.

I’ve seen this happen time and again. Someone learns about the dating advice industry, consumes a lot of content, and goes out to meet women with their newfound knowledge.

Unfortunately, he gets few results and makes little progress over time. He makes the same mistakes repeatedly, and so, even a year after he started going out, he hasn’t gotten a more abundant dating life than he started with.

Take me, for example. When I was sixteen, I first learned about the dating advice community through the book The Game by Neil Strauss. After reading the book I started delving into this odd online pickup community and I found a challenge to start approaching women. I decided to take the challenge.

On the first day, I was simply supposed to ask some people at the mall for directions. I was nervous about the idea of talking to strangers, but figured I would be able to take on such an easy challenge.

I went to the mall and began walking around looking for someone to approach. I obsessively told myself excuses like, “It’s weird to ask someone for directions because they’ll know I have a cell phone with a GPS and wonder why I can’t just use my GPS.” I walked around the mall for several hours, hesitating to approach people again and again. As the hours went by, I felt increasingly anxious.

I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack, so I went back home. I felt frustrated, even defeated. After this failure, I told myself that I needed to wait until I was eighteen, and able to enter a club, before I went out again. I decided that the mall was too awkward of an environment to approach women in.

I figured I should learn all the material possible before I turned eighteen so I would be prepared when I could go to clubs. I voraciously consumed content: I read books, watched video products, and frequented the PUA forums. I spent hundreds of hours learning success with women, but I didn’t even attempt to approach any women again until I turned eighteen.

When I turned eighteen, I finally went to a club. Despite all the content I had consumed, I was extremely anxious. I didn’t approach a single girl.

After this experience, I told myself I should wait to approach women until I was 21, and could enter the better (21 and up) clubs in town.

But at this point, I was self-aware enough to know that this was a silly excuse. So, even though I was anxious and socially awkward, I persisted. I kept going out until I started to develop enough confidence to approach women.

Over the course of many months, I built some semblance of social skills until girls started to like me enough to come home with me.

My Year of Making Excuses

I didn’t realize it at the time, but the year I spent learning content instead of going out and meeting women was nothing more than a year of productive procrastination. My first attempt at going out to meet women was so miserable that my brain tricked me into thinking that I should wait until I was eighteen before trying again.

I didn’t know what was happening, the logic made sense to me: the mall sucked, so I needed to wait until I was old enough to go to clubs before going out again, and in the meantime, the best thing I could do was to learn content. I didn’t understand that it wasn’t the mall that sucked, but my experience at the mall. I felt a lot of anxiety, and the human brain is designed to avoid anxiety in any way possible.

My brain came up with a compelling, seemingly logical excuse to avoid anxiety. If I were 16 again knowing what I know now, I would keep going to the mall to expose myself to my social anxiety until I broke through it. At sixteen, I lacked self-awareness, and that lack of self-awareness cost me a year of progress.

Not everyone will make the same mistakes I made, each of us have different self-awareness blindspots. But, if we don’t learn to build our self-awareness over time, we will almost certainly get stuck at some plateau before getting the results we want.

I’ve seen it so many times, a guy doesn’t notice the obvious mistakes he’s making, and unless he becomes aware of what he’s doing, he continues the same pattern indefinite:

One guy is intimidated by particularly attractive women, so he only approaches the girls he doesn’t think are very attractive.

Another guy gets in a relationship with the first girl who likes him, not because they have a strong connection, but because it’s validating to have a girl who likes him at all.

A third guy attracts women he approaches, but always makes an excuse to eject from interactions with girls well before anything could happen.

A fourth guy is extremely pushy and scares girls away because he can’t give them any breathing room.

All of the above sticking points can be solved through self-awareness. Once you know the mistakes you’re making, you are free to take the necessary steps to improve. It’s not the mistakes you know you’re making that prevent you from making progress, it’s the mistakes you don’t know you’re making.

Self-awareness isn’t something you either have or you don’t, it’s a quality that you constantly develop. The bulk of this work will be done through critical self-assessment using field reports.

But first, we’re going to catalyze progress and build self-awareness through a simple exercise that will take roughly fifteen minutes to complete.

Here’s a template for the exercise:

Self-Diagnostic: Why Haven’t I Achieved My Dating Goals? What are my sticking points?

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Mindset: What things that are outside of my control are hampering my results with women?

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What things that are inside my control can I improve to get more results with women?

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How can I leverage those things inside my control to outweigh those outside my control?

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What Do I Have To Offer Women?

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That wraps up the template for this exercise, now let’s go over how to answer these questions in a way that will help you succeed with women:

How To Become Attractive As A Man Part 2:

Guidelines for Your Self-diagnostic

Sticking Points: A sticking point is anything that’s stopping you from getting the results you want. A sticking point is always something within your control (e.g. the number of women you’re approaching).

Throughout this book, each of the common sticking points will be addressed, and you will learn how to overcome your sticking points through the strategies in the chapters that focus on your particular sticking points.

Some common sticking points include:

1. My interactions aren’t man to woman.

2. I have bad approach anxiety.

3. I have trouble escalating sexually.

4. I can get girl’s numbers but the numbers go cold before I can get a date

5. Girls I approach never seem to want to talk to me.

Be as honest with yourself as possible here, the more accurately you identify your own sticking-points, the more you empower yourself to overcome them.

Mindset

Your mindset is the filter through which you see reality. A negative mindset can be paralyzing. If, for example, you don’t think you’re sexually attractive at all, you could easily convince yourself that there’s no point in wasting your energy by approaching women.

The mindset questions are designed to help you understand how you can overcome any disadvantages you may have through action taking. This isn’t about denying to yourself that you have disadvantages compared to other men (we all do in some way or another), it’s about acknowledging those disadvantages, but focusing on what you can do to overcome them.

What Things That Are Outside of My Control Are Hampering My Results with Women?

For a lot of guys, this is their physical appearance, and if you think it’s a disadvantage, don’t hesitate to write that down here.

If you consider yourself an introvert, you could write that down here too.

If you have an anxiety condition, you could write that down as well.

Be honest with yourself, consciously denying your negative beliefs won’t make them go away. You can only change your beliefs by disproving them through real life experience.

What Things That Are Inside My Control Can I Improve to Get More Results with Women?

One of the most common answers to this question will be, “I could approach more women.” No matter what disadvantages you have, your statistical chances of getting dates will improve if you take more at bats.

You could also improve your physical appearance by going to the gym, buying fashionable clothing, etc.

Be careful not to use this as an excuse to procrastinate on meeting women in real life. There’s not some point of fitness where all of a sudden this will be easy, it helps, but it’s supplemental to actually meeting women in real life.

It’s also within your control to learn strategies from dating advice content (like this book). You could start writing field reports to get the most out of your days/nights out.

Anything you can improve through action taking belongs in this section.

How Can I Leverage Those Things Inside my Control to Outweigh Those Outside My Control?

Let’s say you don’t think you’re very good looking. How could you implement things within your control in such a way that they overcome this disadvantage?

My favorite answer to this is by following the 10x rule, which states that if you take ten times as much action as anyone else, you will get better results than everyone else, no matter what disadvantages you have.

Even if you’re physically unattractive, the sheer volume of your effort will tip the scales in your favor. If you have social anxiety, what’s the best way to overcome it? To expose yourself to that anxiety (known by psychologists as exposure therapy) again and again, over time, your social anxiety will diminish.

Another answer to this might be, if you build your social confidence enough, (through approaching women and facing rejection) your attractive personality will help to counteract your lack of physical attractiveness.

What Do I Have To Offer Women?

If you’re not confident that you can add something positive to a woman’s life when you meether, why would she be interested in giving you her valuable time?

In this section, you’re writing out your unique value proposition, what value you have to offer a woman.

Things you might include:

You’re good in bed.

You’re intelligent so you can teach her interesting things.

You’re funny.

You’re caring.

Include any benefits to spending time with you. This helps cement in your mind that this isn’t a win/lose for her, it’s a win/win. It’s a lot easier to succeed with women when you know that you have genuine value to offer them.

How To Become Attractive As A Man Part 3:

Example Self-Diagnostic:

Why Haven’t I Achieved My Dating Goals? What are My Sticking Points?

1. Women see me as a friend, they’re usually nice to me, but they don’t see me as a sexual prospect.

2. I get a lot of approach anxiety, because of this I don’t go out very often and I don’t approach very often.

Mindset:

What Things That Are Outside of My Control Are Hampering My Results with Women?

1. I’m not that good looking.

2. I don’t have much money.

3. I’m only 20 so I can’t go to nightclubs in my city.

What Things That are Inside My Control Can I Improve to Get More Results with Women?

1. I could become a lot more confident.

2. I could learn to be more expressive and charismatic.

3. I could approach a lot of women, and ask a lot of women on dates.

4. I could learn strategies to create sexual attraction.

How can I leverage those things inside my control to outweigh those outside my control?

1. Even though I’m not good looking, if I approach ten times as many women as a good-looking guy I’ll still get at least as many dates as a good-looking guy does.

2. I can go to my local college campus or mall to develop my skills until I can go to clubs. Who knows, campus might be better for meeting women than nightclubs.

3. As I become more confident and charismatic, women will see me as more attractive overall.

4. I can’t buy a girl an expensive dinner, but I can give her more fun than a rich guy ever could if I work on myself enough.

What do I have to offer women?

1. I’m funny.

2. I’m a great listener.

3. I’m great at making people feel good about themselves.

4. I can introduce a girl to great books that will improve her life.

5. I’m a good cook.

Wrapping Up How To Become Attractive As A Man

Having completed this self-diagnostic exercise along with the fear setting exercise, you should have a good idea of the obstacles you’re going to face and what you can do to overcome them.

This self-aware approach to achieving your goals is going to help you remain grounded as you take action. Making a plan that accounts for the challenges you’re going to face is the key to success.

The exercise in this chapter helped you create realistic, self-aware goals, the next step to success is learning from your failures and successes through the use of field reports.

(This article is a sample from the full-length book – The Seduction Blueprint. If you’re interested in a complete, step-by-step guide that will teach you how to 10x your dating life, you can check the book out, here:

Follow me on Snapchat to see daily infield footage (approaches, makeouts, pulls) Username: AveryGHayden