Initially the subtitle was going to be,, but I think I may make that a separate essay.I'm tired of 'shipping wars, so I'm offering reasons why Iprefer Stelena, even though I find them to be a valid pairing in the overall show. After all, it's supposed to be about a love triangle. What use would that be if both brothers didn't get to tongue-fence with the main girl?Not at the same time....Actually, same time would be kinda hot.Anyway. Here we go.From Spock/Uhura versus Kirk/Spock (Star Trek), to Mamoru/Usagi versus Seiya/Usagi (Sailor Moon), to Cloud/Tifa versus Cloud/Aerith (Final Fantasy 7), to Heero/Relena versus Heero/Duo (Gundam Wing), to Sora/Riku versus Sora/Kairi (Kingdom Hearts), to House/Cuddy versus House/Wilson (House M.D.), to Kairi/Momo versus Toji/Momo (Peach Girl), to--surprise, surprise--versus(The Vampire Diaries), 'shipping wars have been a thing since "fandom" was coined. Some are more volatile than others.Stefan/Elena (hereafter known as Stelena) and Damon/Elena (hereafter known as Delena) is one of the more angry I've ever seen.I'm no stranger to fandom or 'shipping wars. I've been on several sides of it, from being virtually ignored in liking Meiling/Sakura (Cardcaptor Sakura, where the primary 'ship is Syaoran/Sakura) to the het-versus-gay in liking Orphen/Majic (gay) versus the hetero Orphen/Cleao (Sorcerous Stabber Orphen) to the gay-versus-gay in liking Goku/Sanzo versus Hakkai- OR Gojyo-/Sanzo (Saiyuki) to the hetero liking of Cloud/Tifa versus Cloud/Aerith.The arguments, while they vary in reasons pertaining to characters and one's own opinion on what constitutes "compatibility," are virtually the same. They can be angry, and often involve bashing (bad-mouthing) one of the characters. Since this is supposed to be about The Vampire Diaries, and more specifically the war amongst fans concerning the main triangle, I'll focus on that.Let me deviate momentarily by clarifying that I am a Delena fan. I have been since I read the books. While the TV show is vastly different, I still more enjoy the Delena pairing. I have my reasons, as does anyone else for their pairing, but I won't get into them here.Let me also point out that while IDelena, I do not hate Stelena. I don't even hate Stefan. I love Damon, I love Stefan, and I love Elena. All three characters have intricate and unique personalities that make them loveable.What Ihate are the acrid, poisonous, hateful arguments and bitter attacks that stem from both sides of the fence.Interesting to note is that both sides express frustration with Elena. This is a topic we'll briefly explore before I get to the meat of this essay. Elena Gilbert is--and an astounding number of people forget this--. She recently turned 18 in the show, but she's still in high school and she's still emotionally immature. This is a show aimed at older teens and young adults, so this should really come as no surprise.To the younger readers (older readers may benefit from this as well), I won't tell you, "You'll understand when you're older." Instead I'll bring up the fact that this, as a fictional work, is you on the outside looking in. So when Elena's faults, mistakes, and flaws come to light, you're glaringly aware of them. You express frustration when she does something silly, ignoring the fact that, as human beings, we all make stupid mistakes, especially concerning love. It's easier to be judgmental toward the character when you are watching her stumble through the motions.Really, this is a testament to how well the writers are doing their job in keeping a supernatural story natural and realistic. People are fallible. We make mistakes. Since the human brain doesn't completely stop developing until the age 25, teenagers with their lack of utterly understanding their raw emotions, are especially susceptible to rash decisions and silly mistakes. How can we, the viewers, expect her to be any different? The show wouldn't be nearly as good if Elena were perfect. We care who she ends up with because, as much as she may frustrate us,. Wewhat it's like to be hopelessly in love, and many of us have, at one time or another, fantasized about being caught between two gorgeous, intelligent men who would die to save us.To the older readers... well, I already summed it up. Elena's a teenager. Think back to when you were 18. If you can't tell me you aren't recalling embarrassing moments and decisions you wish you could erase from your past, you're lying to yourself.To the older-older readers, who may or may not know I'm 24 myself, you may be scoffing at how little I know and understand this. To you, I urge you to comment. We could all stand to learn. I can look back 6 years ago and be embarrassed, but I'm sure when I'm 30 I'll look back to being 24 and be humiliated. Who knows, maybe this essay will be a part of that.Let's also not forget exactly what it is that makes Elena shine, and that's her enormous heart, her capacity for love, and her incredible capability to forgive. She loves her baby brother Jeremy more than life itself. She goes out of her way to keep her friends and family safe, even if it risks their ire. When Tyler nearly got her killed, and he came forward to admit he acted stupidly, she didn't get angry--she embraced him.That isn't to say she can't hold grudges. It took her nearly 2 seasons to completely warm up to someone as impulsive and dangerous as Damon, and she played petty games with him during the times he sought her forgiveness.That also isn't to say she hasn't forgiven where it isn't deserved. Recently, we saw Stefan genuinely frighten her by nearly driving her off the bridge her parents died; the bridge he onceher from drowning under. Elena, at the time, did not know whether or not he would pull back at the last minute regardless of Klaus' capitulation.Don't take Stefan's actions lightly. I've never seen someone die, or had anyone particularly close to me die, but I watch documentaries about crime and the victims impacted very frequently. The resounding consensus is that watching a loved one die hurts more than anything in the world. Tracy Morris' mother last saw her daughter with her pants around her ankles and over 37 stab wounds via screwdriver; Tracy later died in the hospital. This was in 1999. The particular interview her mother did was in 2011, and she still sobbed as she told of how she found her daughter.At the very least Elena has severe psychological issues stemming from this. Stefan nearly driving her off that bridge was akin to her parents dying all over again. This was a cruel thing to do. This was horrid and unspeakable. Yet she treats him far kinder than when she witnessed Damon snapping Jeremy's neck, and doesn't seem to hold a grudge against Stefan for what he did at the bridge (time, and new episodes, may reveal otherwise, but so far he's more or less gotten a pass).The point being that Elena is as flawed and human as any of us. This is why we want her with a certain brother (or, in other cases, a different character). Because we relate to her. So to sum up: let's cut Elena some slack and admit the writers do incredibly well at making her a virtually normal teenager in the light of things.Now, as I noted before, I want Elena to end up with Damon. Since this essay is supposed to be about Stelena from the view of a Delena fan, I won't go deeply into the reasons why. I'll simply say that, as a character, I favor Damon. Admittedly some of it is superficial; I have a thing for dark hair and bright eyes, and have since a character--noteably, by the author of the books--named Rashel Jordan. She's my favorite tough girl of all time, and her looks are noted by her dark hair and cat-green eyes. To say nothing of her other amazingcharacters with dark hair, like John Quinn and Gabriel Wolfe.Aside from that, men like Damon are my cup of tea. I like snark. I like cockiness. I love intelligence and wittiness and acerbic confrontation. Calculating helps. I also like, underneath all that, for there to be a soft spot for people they love, and how they'd move heaven and earth for those people. (Actually, I consider myself to be incredibly lucky to have a man like that. Like Damon, without the murder-rage, or more like Gabriel Wolfe, without the psychic abilities.) So, yes, I am a Delena fan, and I wave my banner with modesty and pride. But more importantly, let's get into the Stefan side of things. In the books, I found Stefan to be a softie.Happily, in the TV show, I find Stefan to be a hell of a lot more interesting. Stefan is your typical sweet guy, your more-realistic Edward Cullen, who handles Elena (and, really, most women) with gentle hands, while giving all he's got to the likes of Damon and Klaus.So we'll get into what this Delena fan sees as merits of Stelena.They are the first true loves. They are the high school sweethearts, who found each other during tender moments and have this raw emotional attraction to one another. Together they are compassionate and loving and sweet.Stefan first finds himself drawn to Elena due her her looking like Katherine. Obviously, he falls for her for entirely different reasons (Elena isKatherine, outside of looks). But the initial attraction was curiosity, rapidly followed by awe and infatuation. He'd do anything to keep her safe. Elena pulls him in like gravity pulls a baseball to the ground. He can't help himself. Elena, with her warmth and compassion and frankness, is a treasure to be held.It's very clear Stefan counts himself lucky to be a part of Elena's life. Each moment is a blessing. Fate brought them together (which, before anyone gets too excited, Fate is the dark side of Destiny), and he's going to make the most of it. When he almost goes off the rails in season one, it's his love for Elena that convinces him to fight his urges. He didn't need Lexi (RIP, I actually loved her and her chemistry with Stefan and amthat they had to have tried it at least once in the 100+ years they've been friends), he only needed to realize he was hurting Elena with his actions.Their love is real.But their love is premature.I'm not saying it's invalid. I'm not even saying it won't work out in the long run. But as it is, right now, Season 3 episode 12, it was and is premature. It was a hard-and-fast love, where there is instant attraction and this expectation for it to work because they simply love each other. They fought adversities together, but this new arc with Klaus is the first time they've dealt with adversityPrimarily, all their struggles have been concerning someone targeting either Elena or Stefan at separate times. It's been about staying alive, and a lot of their passion has sparked from this.Now Stefan is gone, Elena is searching for him, and they are at odds for the first time. Elena wants him home. Stefan wants her as far away from him as possible. They clearly both still care for each other. And they can't compromise.Really, now that Stefan is free from Klaus' compulsion, there is no reason for this. They fought life and death together; somehow, now, they can't seem to agree on how to fight the force behind their separation?Some of this is Elena's fault. She's clinging to something that isn't there anymore; that isn't what it used to be. Stefan has told her so time and time again, but there is a stubborn (stupid, teenager) part of Elena that can't accept it. She can talk a good game--"I won't love a ghost for the rest of my life"--but she can't follow through. This is a moment where Elena's tenacity has turned from a virtue to a fault.But some of this is Stefan's fault. He knows Elena would forgive him, but allows his self-immolation to get in the way of this. Stefan is more concern with punishing himself (and, now, Klaus) than he is making reparations with Elena. How, from this writer's point of view, does this bode well for either of them?What the situation right now says is that Elena is lying to herself and Stefan is lying to himself.They aren't ready to be together.Right now, Stefan is beginning to realize Elena has changed drastically in his absence. She's gotten emotionally, mentally, and physically stronger without him in the picture. It's an improvement, and I think noting that hurts him in a way. He always wanted to protect her, but now she's coming into her own--and Stefan is seeing a part of himself in their previous relationship crumble. Before, she needed him.Now, she can survive without him. It really doesn't seem like Stefan has completely come to terms with that fact.Elena, in turn, is realizing Stefan's dark side is a real thing. Before she only heard of it in stories, retellings, and the journals he kept. Now she's face-to-face with it. Stefan's left bodies strewn over the east coast like the Green River Killer, men and women alike. He's tortured. He's tormented Elena. And he only seems to break free of his psychosis when Damon's life is in danger.Take a moment to recall how Tyler is determined to overcome his sire bond to Klaus so he can put Caroline first. This, I believe, is a parellel to Stefan and Elena: how Stefan needs to overcome his crippling need for self-flaggelation and bloodlust before he can put Elena first. He can do it for Damon, but not Elena. How can he build a life with Elena when he can't even put the woman he supposedly loves more than life and death onequal grounds as his brother? How could they ever get married and life out their days together when Damon strikes Stefan's instincts to protect in his darkest moments a thousand times more than Elena?I'm not saying these are impossible feats. We're talking about a show with vampires, here. The supernatural.is possible.But it is not, at this point, a feasible thing. Stefan and Elena can't be together unless they can reconcile their differences and learn to have an identity outside of each other.It's not healthy for Elena to feel lost and lacking (as much) purpose without Stefan. They didn't even date a full year. That sort of thing is called obsession and it'sto actually see. Likewise, it's not healthy for Stefan to push Elena away so violently when he truly needs her. It doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship. And this isn't new. Stefan has a problem with extremes; he either lets Elena have utter free reign in dangerous situations, or he restricts her completely. He either binges on blood or abstains completely. Stefan needs to learn moderation in all things before he can evenbeing with Elena.The two have so much more growing up to do. Amore than people like to think. Elena's still a baby compared to Stefan, and Stefan is still a newbie when it comes to. They're too much at odds to balance out properly. One tips the scales wildly compared to the other.It's not good. It's not healthy.And it's these extreme problems that give me such issue with Stelena as a pairing. They jumped into the pool without realizing it was too cold, and now they don't know how to make it warm enough to climb back in. At the end of the day, quite frankly, I'll be ecstatic if Elena just has a wild semi-incestual threesome with both brothers and dumps them both for Malcolm Reynolds.... oh, wait. That requires a crossover.In space....Fuck it. Have I also mentioned I am a massive Nathan Fillion fan (see icon)? I'll 'ship him with anyone.Questions? Comments? Critiques? Flames? Leave a message below. I'm going to bed before my insane 12-hour workday in the afternoon.