Episode 20: The Last Temptation of Lou

11:11 AM

rick

rick

rick

what

i have the most amazing idea

Please tell me you haven't executed on this idea yet

youre gonna love this

so imagine youre reading a story

and you can like make decisions as the story goes along

and get this

the story changes

That's called "choose your own adventure," it's been around forever

yeah i found a couple in a shoebox in your closet

but has it ever been done in a chat

You lost me.

you are in a dark corridor

ahead of you is a closed door

behind you is a grizzly bear

you are holding a ham and a toilet plunger

I'm not sure how this is going to work really

to go through the door jump ahead twenty three lines

to feed the ham to the bear jump ahead twenty three lines

to fight the bear with the plunger jump ahead twenty three lines

So wait..

How am I supposed to jump ahead

rick dont make it hard

I'm not trying to make it hard, it just doesn't make any sense!

to stop being such a dork and just make a decision jump back seven lines

But those lines don't even exist yet

its like you dont even know what fun is

let alone how to have any

I'm trying to, I just don't get it

to get another beginners lesson on this really simple idea go back

um

wait

twenty five lines

well twenty eight now i guess

no twenty nine

Stop.

youre running out of time rick

Time to do what?!

oh my god just pick something

I can't jump ahead to nothing!

the door is locked

the bear eats the ham and your arm

a plunger is a super lame weapon so the bear eats your body and your head and you die

That's not fair!

what

All of my options would end in death!

hmm yeah

is that a problem

Well it doesn't make for much of an adventure

seems like a matter of perspective

maybe you should write the adventure and ill choose

I don't want to write an adventure.

why not

My life is my adventure.

ugh lame

Besides, I promise you, no matter how simple you may think it is, this idea won't work. It's too much trouble. For nothing!

look rick

nm poopies time

1:59 PM

rick

you are in a dark forest with a blind man

he has an axe

That doesn't seem safe.

you didnt duck so you die

You didn't give me a choice!

well obviously the choices werent working

you know how i am with counting

and how you are with just being cool about fun stuff

None of this is "working", you can't just keep telling me I die

that happens sometimes in choose your own adventure stories rick

But I'm not choosing my own adventure!

yeah well

maybe its time you start

2:39 PM

rick

you are buried under six feet of earth

That sounds like I'm already dead

maybe i showed my cards too early on that one

solid tip

you should be my editor

Lou, these things only work if you write the parts and then patch them together.

There's no point in trying to navigate a story that hasn't been written yet.

now youre getting it

Getting what

3:22 PM

rick

rick

rick

ok look

rick ive been thinking

i know you dont like it when i do that but thats kind of my point

when we started talking like this it seemed important

now i wonder if its just a distraction

and maybe you worry too much about me

lets look at the facts

your story is the story of a man

who taught his cat to use instant messaging

and i am not about to judge you for this

it has all meant so much to me

you are very important to me rick

and i love talking with you

but this thing

it became part of who you are somehow

and it doesnt need to be

i have watched you change and grow and i like to think i helped

here and there

the thing is i dont think you need me anymore

not in that way

you need me as a cat

4:04 PM

and rick

theres something else

something about me that you need to know

rick ive decided i am going to become a supervillain

i think we both saw this coming

and ive been doing some reading

and bodega ray talked to some lawyer friend

and it seems we are getting to a point where something called plausible deniability could become important for you

now i dont know what that is

but it sounds like stepping away could really be the right thing to do

for more than one reason

is what im saying

4:28 PM

Um

Wow.

I don't quite know what to say, Lou.

say youre ready rick

i know it

i just need you to know it

I don't know, I mean I hadn't really thought about why we still do this.

I guess for one I like to know right away when my house is flooding

or on fire.

or surrounded by police.

rick i cant promise you those things wont still happen

or are not currently happening

but i dont think any of this was ever really about that anyway

Maybe not.

bottom line rick

what we were both getting out of this was worth a lot

some good times

some damage control maybe

Maybe.

some laughs

Definitely.

but even good jokes run their course right

let someone else tell this one for a while

some spineless hack and his idiot dog maybe

its time for you to choose a new adventure

plunger the bear rick

I guess so.

well maybe not that

but consider that maybe youre stronger and smarter than you think

i mean its also possible that youre dumber

maybe even likely

but thats not the point

Ok, I get it.

I just need to.. you know. Process.

5:03 PM

So, uh

Supervillain, eh?

thats right

im accepting my destiny

i cant tell you much obviously

and you should delete all of this later

but ive been working on some ideas

big ideas rick

I want to say I'm worried, but...

you need to work on that

yeah.

dont sweat it rick

you will be cared for when the revolution comes

Comforting.

so us

were ok right

Yeah, I mean

I'll miss you

no you wont

youll see me every day

im in your house

I know, I know. It's different, that's all.

i know

we will make it work

i look forward to being your cat

ha

I look forward to being your owner

we dont use that word

sorry.

I'm a little sad but I appreciate what you're saying. This is good thinking.

let me tell you

its been exhausting

i swear theres some connection between thinking hard and having to make poopies

I will let you go.

I'll come home in a little bit. Ok?

ok

ok

ok

ok

5:36 PM

No, YOU hang up first

i dont know what that means

Ha. Never mind.

I love you.

i love you too rick

ok

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ok

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