Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioural quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms:

The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such manoeuvres, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment:

This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING

Symptoms:

The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging". Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment:

Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms:

The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment:

The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NON-SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION

(also NON-SPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)

Symptoms

A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment

Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider etc) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

FUFFLING

Symptoms

The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales. This is followed by whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking and a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger attacks of fuffling in some cats. It may also be linked to interesting items seen in the water e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, greeblingz. Fuffling is most common during kittenhood although even quite elderly may suffer an occasional bout.

Treatment

None. Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits are possibilities, but cats do not readily accept such treatment. Kittenhood fuffling generally subsides as the cat grows older, possibly due to some acquired immunity (or greater common sense).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms

The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalising, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.

Treatment

Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms

Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to 'spread' in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several 'fungoid' cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment

Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually aggravates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING

Symptoms

Varied:- sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment

Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, mis-shapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms

Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune. In some areas, this condition is known as the Flaming Kahooties.

Treatment

None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

MARSHMALLOW PAWS

Symptoms

Over a period of time, the paw pads change from tough skin to soft squishy marshmallow paws. The cat shows no sign of distress, however it may exhibit a preference for being carried everywhere. This condition is most often noticed in inactive cats. Afflicted cats may sleep excessively, often in a belly-up position with the marshmallow paws waggling in the air. Possibly, paw softening is due to lack of contact between paw and floor. In technical terms, the paw pads are 'kitten-soft'.

Treatment

Increased paw-to-floor contact is essential. The cat must be encouraged to use its own feet instead of its human's feet. The use of a treadmill, while effective, may lead to SPCA investigations. Many old, inactive cats suffer from irreversible marshmallow paws. If a regime of exercise is adopted, it must be maintained for the rest of the cat's life - marshmallow paws is a recurrent condition.

HAPPY COAT (also HAPPY TONGUE)

Symptoms:

Most often noted in sleek-furred cats. The cat proceeds to fluff up its fur in pleasure, starting at the base of the tail and working forward towards the nose. In extreme cases the cheeks and forehead fluff up and the cat is said to have 'purred itself fuzzy'. Happy Tongue is typified by a small part of the tongue protruding from the mouth until the cat remembers to tuck it away again. Happy Coat and Happy Tongue are frequently accompanied by Irritable Lap Syndrome or Smurgling and may be a prelude to an attack of Collapsible Legs.

Treatment:

None known. Spontaneous attacks of Happy Coat are most distressing to exhibitors of slinky-haired cats. Happy Tongue in Persians is sometimes misdiagnosed as a malformed mouth. It is, of course, possible to make the cat unhappy, but this is not recommended. Some cats grow out of these conditions.

IRRITABLE BOWL SYNDROME

Symptoms:

The cat seems discontent with what is in the foodbowl. In multicat households this is manifested by cats going from one bowl to another in search of something more enticing. Afflicted cats may also follow the owner to cupboards and demand to investigate every opened can or packet in the hope of a better meal. In severe cases, cats show excessive interest when the owner opens a can of baked beans.

Treatment

An ever-changing selection of gourmet meals is the cat's preferred solution. This entails enrolment on cookery courses and animal nutrition courses. Alternatively, offer a buffet selection of both canned and dry kitty foods purchased in small packages while advising it that its ancestors had to make do with nothing but mouse. Explain that Big Sid, the local feral with the appetite and table manners of a furry bulldozer, will be joining the cat at meal times. Most modern cats will opt for the buffet rather than risk losing it to Big Sid.

SEASONALLY AFFECTIVE DOOR INTO SUMMER SYNDROME



Symptoms

This condition was first described by Robert Heinlein in his book of the same name. It manifests at times of inclement weather. The afflicted cat wanders around the house demanding that each external door it comes to be opened. On discovering that the weather there is just as nasty as the weather outside the last door, it resumes its search for a "door into summer". The cat remains convinced that one of the doors will, on the umpteenth time of opening, have a summer's day on the other side of it. This affliction is more prevalent in younger cats of an active disposition and is frequently contagious in multi-cat environments.



Treatment

Immediate treatment of symptoms i.e. opening the selected door has only short term effect and must be repeated. Symptoms abate during summer, but the cat will suffer seasonal relapses. Some owners have reported that application of a localised heat source e.g. a log fire, gas fire or electric fire is effective in reducing frequency of attacks. Though not guaranteed, elderly cats may acquire an immunity to this affliction.

STATIONERY INTOLERANCE (FELINE INFECTIOUS KEYBOARDITIS)

Symptoms

The affected feline reacts adversely to desks, paper, pens, pencils and keyboards. This is most noticeable when the keyboard, pen or pencil is in use. The addition of a cat is detrimental to writing or typing. Papers, photos and objects may be shuffled around a desk. In the latter stages of the reaction, the cat may collapse into a stupor among papers. Feline Infectious Keyboarditis is a specific form of Stationery Intolerance and is reported to be on the increase.

Treatment

It is generally best to keep a susceptible cat away from office materials and keyboards. Though the sudden onset of symptoms suggests an allergy to or intolerance of office materials, in multicat households, these conditions frequently show an infectious component. The only cure is to immediately stop using office materials. The condition is liable to recur every time the cat is exposed to certain office materials.

ATTENTION DEAFNESS DISORDER

Symptoms

An affected cat ignores all attempts to deliberately attract its attention, in particular showing no recognition of its name. This is generally episodic. Triggers have been identified, such as mentioning "vet", "vaccination", "curfew" or "cattery". Curiously, the cat continues to respond to other sounds e.g. a tuna can being opened.

Treatment

When the cat is having an Attention Deafness Disorder attack, avoid using its name(s). Instead, attract attention by pretending you are not interested in it. It will normally come running to find out what is going on and how best to participate.

UPSIDE-DOWN LEGS

Symptoms

Several instances of upside-down legs were reported by a cat-owner in Bristol, England. The cat's legs appeared to have been fitted upside down. On further investigation, the cat was found to be suffering from an advanced case of collapsible legs and had become fully inverted.

Treatment