Over the last 30 years, systemic approaches to family therapy have been largely successful at treating even the most intractable problems in family functioning. However, stepfamilies have long proven a particular challenge for family therapists. Recent research has confirmed that, given their unique dynamics, stepfamilies are vulnerable in a way that is distinct from typical “first-families,” leaving them often resistant to traditional family therapy techniques (Browning & Artfelt, 2012).

In terms of blended family therapy, we are basically where we were 30 years ago in regards to couple’s therapy: thinking that couple’s therapy was individual therapy times two, with a bit of salt and pepper added into the mix. However, with the introduction of attachment theory, the role of emotions in human change processes, systems theory, and advancements in neuropsychology, our theories and therapies for couples have kept pace. Unfortunately, we cannot say the same for blended family theory and practice.

This ongoing series will present a more comprehensive understanding of blended family dynamics by integrating current theories on attachment, emotions, and system dynamics. And in the process will help both mental health professionals and blended families better understand the lived experience of this phenomenon and hopefully seek out the training, guidance, and support as they accompany their clients and families down the river of blended family life.

Differences between first families and blended families.

In light of the advances in couple therapy and my work with blended families over the past 20 years, I have come to conceptualize the blended family as a river voyage as opposed to a lake journey. The differences between these two lie in the different skill sets required to paddle a white water river vs. paddling on a lake.

Paradoxically, in the blended family river, the stability lies in keeping the canoe on an angle or off-balance, in a state of constant adaptive flux compared to paddling on a lake.

On a lake, the stability of the canoe relies on keeping the boat lying flat on the lake surface, not leaning to either side. Whereas in a white water river, the stability of the canoe and the safety of the paddlers rely on keeping the canoe on a down river angle to allow the moving water to flow under the boat. Failing to lean the canoe in the right direction in the rapids guarantees swamping the canoe, swallowing lots of water and possibly getting banged up on the rocks. Paradoxically, in the blended family river, the stability lies in keeping the canoe on an angle or off-balance, in a state of constant adaptive flux compared to paddling on a lake.

Also, the planning, preparation and skill sets needed for a river trip are both quantitively and qualitatively more complex and more physically, emotionally, intrapsychically, inter-personally, economically and socially demanding on all family members. Unfortunately, most single parents coming off a lake trip embark on a river trip with their new partner under the naive impression that it will be pretty much the same, but better this time around.

Little do they know that paddling a canoe full of kids down a class III rapid with the boat half full of water is no easy task, especially not knowing if there’s waterfall around the corner. Fear, stress, emotional and cognitive constriction, resentment, and interpersonal conflicts are typical reactions in such a context. The sheer intensity of the river can awaken core attachment anxieties within all family members creating instability within the canoe as the family attempts to navigate the obstacles in the river. And the blended family river is a series of class I to class IV rapids making for a tumultuous ride. A challenging journey if you and your partner are experienced paddlers and confident in your tandem white water paddling, river-rescue, and emergency first-aid skills, but sheer terror if you can barely swim.

The hydraulic dynamics of a river are a good analogy for the dynamics in a blended family. What makes a white water river a white water river is the slope of the river bed, the volume of water flowing downstream, and the obstacles buried underneath the surface. Low slope, low volume and few hidden obstacles make for an enjoyable afternoon on the river. Progressively increase all three, and you are soon in for a wild river ride. The slope, volume and buried obstacles are analogous to the number of family members, the complexity of the family constellation and the unresolved issues within each family member. Progressively increase all three, and you are in for a wild emotional ride.

With the canoe battered and leaking, and exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated parents alongside anxious and angry kids, the collective often gives up and parts ways, wandering through the forest in search of the elusive calm lake.

The blended family as a collective of pre-established relationships.

In reality, the blended family is more of a collective of pre-established relationships than a family. Over time, the collective can grow and evolve into a semblance of what we call a family. But that semblance often does not resemble what everyone first imagined before embarking on the river.

Not adapting to the new realities of the river and stubbornly waiting for the river to magically transform itself into a lake, many blended families implode within the first two to five years on the river. With the canoe battered and leaking, and exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated parents alongside anxious and angry kids, the collective often gives up and parts ways, wandering through the forest in search of the elusive calm lake.

Therefore, in working with blended families, the first step is to normalize their experience of paddling a river with but lake canoeing experience. That they are not to blame for their reactions to the intensity of the river because it is the nature of white water to awaken all these conflicted emotions. And to reassure them that by developing the necessary skills, they can learn to read and navigate those treacherous rapids that they have come to dread and resent.

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