Star-crossed e-Athletes

Earlier this morning Justin Wong was evicted from his 11-bedroom estate in Beverly Hills due to the mismanagement of funds of this e-icon. Wong, a prominent e-athlete, declared bankruptcy exactly one week ago and his delinquencies have caught up to him. For six months prior, Wong made a living competing in the glamorous world of e-leagues, making roughly $780,000 in his e-career. Prior to his new found e-stardom, Wong was a part of a loosely associated group of minorities who labeled themselves as the “FGC.” He made an estimated $327.76 his entire time e-competing in the events and obviously jumped at the chance to escape the notoriously sexist community. This jarring e-transition from rags to riches was something that Wong was not prepared for, spending a reported $10,000 a month on cool figurines and $1,500 a day on cute outfits for his dog Momochi.

Earlier this week we caught up with Wong at the funeral of Martin “Marn” Phan. Phan, the walking headline for the e-tabloids, died of a heart attack over the weekend after challenging Sherry “SherryJenix” Nhan to a chicken wing eating contest, and suffice to say she won. “I really don’t want to have a full time job. I like pressing buttons on a wooden box for a living. It is really hard,” Wong said. “Please enter my raffle for the new Mad Catz TE stick. Momochi needs a sailor outfit for fleet week. Please give money.”

The biggest rising e-star going bankrupt certainly raises questions about the current e-climate of the electronic fisticuffs athlete league. Twitch.tv is launching a new after-hours service where streamers can switch their streams to a “nightcap” setting and masturbate on cam for their viewers. Community manager Jared Rea spoke with us outside the 70th Twitch party thrown that month. “We are excited to extend our industry-leading CPM to our after-hour streamers, and with this they will continue to make half of minimum wage on average if they streamed for 80 hours a week,” Rea said. “I am personally giddy to watch hours and hours of our leading streamers masturbating for my pleasure.”

This news is added to a pile of recent bad news for the e-community. Ryan “Filipino Champ” Ramirez, fresh off not getting paid for “The $100 Million Tourney that has $100 million in cash: $100 Million Edition, a John Nelson production,” suffered an unfortunate e-cigarette-related accident. During a segment where viewers pay $10 for Ramirez to tell them he is their “friend,” an e-cigarette exploded and caused a fire that burned down the FGTV residence. Having no retirement plan, Ramirez was forced to find a job at an adult movie theater and he is in charge of cleaning the viewing booths for $7 an hour. The rest of the household moved back in with their parents, sans one Long “ShadyK” Tran who refused to leave his room and was engulfed in flames.

Next week we follow up on the brutal murder of Joshua “Wolfkrone” Philpot after being beaten to death by a street gang who can only be identified as CORN. Krone was beaten because he was found crying in a movie theater after seeing the movie “Marley & Me 2: This Time It’s Personal,” which he paid for using the movie tickets he won for placing seventh at some shitty tournament.

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This is written on December 1st 2012 and has gone unpublished due to I forget. I still think it holds true today so I decided to release it. The rest was also written then as well.

Players will choose to play fighting games as a living, which is fine since it is their life, but they will get older and retire then go back to working at Burger King. Do you really believe that these top players have a follow-up plan, the same ones who squander money-making opportunities left and right? These people don’t stream, don’t produce YouTube videos, and some don’t even write their own tweets. You really expect them to thrive in a world without fighting games? Now, there are exceptions to this as always, but the majority still fails.

I want players and the whole community to not think about money. Stop thinking about money and try actually ,I don’t know, playing the game. If you put money on a pedestal it corrupts you and makes you forget about why you were playing in the first place. If you want money let me introduce a radical concept of “GETTING A FUCKING JOB.” The American scene is so spoiled and a foreign player comes over with real dedication and real desire to win and blows everyone out of the water. How do you expect to compete with some guy who literally writes notes about you and studies them constantly when you are on twitter complaining about your hard life of free flights around the world.

Let the corporations descend and feed on the ad revenue that we produce. Let them jettison our stars to fame and riches, so we can dream of one day being cool like them. Then when they retire they can put on their resume that they played video games for 15 years instead of pursuing an education. Making minimum wage, living in a motel, doing heroin and banging prostitutes is the life you have to look forward to. esports.

- Carter Gray