‘Your Writing is Pushing Away Men Who Want to be Feminists’

When allies become enemies

Photo by Eric Aiden on Unsplash

Good guys — we all know them. The ones who are ‘different’, the ones that ‘understand’, the ones who firmly believe that women deserve just as much as men are allowed. There’s a catch here. Though seemingly aligning themselves with the feminist movement they continue to be society’s apologists. The classic tale of two steps forward one step back.

I immediately started jotting down the basic ideas I had for this article as I listened to a voice message sent by a male friend of mine. The message was in response to an article I had written on the concept of virginity as it pertains to the ego of men.

After complimenting my style of writing, a huge ‘but’ followed. It became apparent that he was in some way offended by my harsh approach to the subject. He proceeded to attempt to convince me to understand that men are not to be blamed solely for society’s emphasis on women’s virginity. I suppose it’s easy to forget who orchestrated the ins and outs of society when you aren’t oppressed by the rules of it.

Not all men

It is unfortunate that it has become absolutely necessary that I make a disclaimer when tackling a topic of this nature. If I need to reassure you that my writing does not apply to you and all the other good guys out there then I genuinely cannot consider you an ally.

As a true ally, I would expect full comprehension of majority vs minority in reference to the behaviors of men. When women document experiences that involve men and misogyny, often times these are not isolated events. When we examine cultural phenomena, we are fully aware that there are exceptions to the rule.

Simply because you cannot relate to behavior among men of a culture to which you belong, that does not render such behavior invalid. You may be the minority but the majority steers society. It is the majority that is capable of making decisions and facilitating change.

Regardless of your alternative perspective, you are outnumbered.

‘But Women are a part of the problem too!’

When a counterargument is presented to me, it always includes a story chronicling how women view sensitivity in men as weakness and ridicule them for displaying traits commonly assigned to women. Apparently, women are the reason some men lack the ability to display vulnerability. Initially, I considered giving this common misconception an entire five-minute article but upon further inspection, I decided it was unworthy.

The definition of the ideal man directly refers to the narrative men of the past have solidified. Women have never been allowed the authority to decide what makes a man. The reason some men feel a deep pressure to strangle tears back into their eyes can be found in the teachings of their forefathers. Scuffle with the patriarchy— not me.

Obviously some women subscribe to these beliefs but they were not the inventors, nor did they integrate those viewpoints into society.

It is difficult for one to control much of what is outside of an electric fence once already behind it.

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‘Don’t be such an Angry Feminist’

The first time I’ve ever been referred to as an ‘angry feminist’ happened the day I listened to the voice message that induced the birth of this piece. I was somewhat shocked that people actually use the term but I began to understand what wasn’t considered angry to men. Thus, I am grateful for the descriptor.

Being a woman, it is most vital that I cradle grown men in my arms. I need to cover their eyes and ears and make sure the environment which surrounds them is not going to affect them negatively. I am expected to dilute my language, retrace my steps, explain in great detail why my opinions are valid and backtrack in an effort to not offend men too much.

It is important that I make feminism safe and approachable for men to want to participate within the movement. It is advised that I water down truths to accommodate the shallow emotional capacity of good guys.

If I do not mention how feminism supports the well-being of men, I am doing the cause an injustice. I need to convince men that I, along with my female counterparts do not hate them. I need to create a sense of belonging for men within the feminist community. It is my job to advertise feminism as something that benefits men in order to give the cause validity.

This will not be my regimen and I do not apologize.

I am not interested in glossing over the details of my unique experience as a woman. I will not dial back on any intricacies for the sheer comfort of men. If you are a man and you consider yourself a Feminist, I would assume that you are completely aware of the pitfalls women encounter. I would hope that you are interested in standing behind those women and supporting their individual stories. While you may not be able to pin your own actions to those of the men they describe, it is necessary that you do not deduct from their testimonies.

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Soft-core Feminism is not my genre

I refuse to pander to the male demographic. Instead, I intend to push my writing towards capturing the most accurate representation of my perspectives. I see no need for constant reassurance. If after reading an article of mine you deduce that I hate men then so be it.

I do not want your alliance if you need to be reminded of how feminism aids men. If you cannot agree with something which excludes your self-serving requirements then you are no supporter of mine. Though the aim of Feminism is to level the playing field, I will never make it my job to highlight that reality if you absolutely require it to even care about the female experience.

My articles are not candied apples and I don’t plan on creating such content in the future.

What people want from female literature

When women write about introspection there’s overwhelming praise. When women express their naked emotions, fears and insecurities there’s an encore. Society loves a damsel in distress. On the flip-side, when women appear certain, strong and opinionated there’s often backlash. It is perfectly fine for women to criticize themselves however, they should have no strong negative opinions on anything else.

If your text does not display a soft tone then you are automatically angry. Assertiveness in the writings of women become easily thwarted into hostility regardless of how important or true the content is.

If you divert once or twice from your usual self-loathing literature then you become too serious. Your work becomes unreadable. As a woman, it is advised that I strictly stick to dreamy topics such as romance, motivation and self-reflection.

At this point, it has become quite apparent that I refuse to take that path. While my writing ranges from poetry to cut-throat articles, one thing never changes — I write for me.