There is no more terrifying speech to make than a toast, because none is more prone to disaster. Even Mark Twain, at the height of his fame, confessed that he "was in awful terror" as he climbed onto a table to toast Gen. Ulysses S. Grant.

The 14 speakers who went before Twain that night had taken more than six hours. In an age where the only other entertainment option was picking lice off a mule, listening to speeches was the equivalent of going to an Arcade Fire concert.

...