Why do you always have to serve Bill beans when it’s my night for him to come over?

It’s been eight long months since we got our last Lost fix, and, if you’re anything like us, the itch for new intel has been pretty much unbearable for at least the past six. But while there’s been no shortage of ABC-sanctioned sneak peeks at the new season, we’re always way more interested in what the mad, minutiae-analyzing geniuses on the internet have to say about what it all means. So, we scoured the web for some choice hypotheses (and couple of crackpot ones) relating to tomorrow night’s season-five premiere. Happy theorizing!

• Now that we know John Locke is the one in the coffin, and that he goes by the name Jeremy Bentham in the future, we can begin to guess what that signifies. For one thing, you should know that the real Bentham denounced many of the real Locke’s philosophical views, so look out for Locke’s drastic character shift as he becomes the leader of the Others. Also, the wheel Ben pushed to move the island apparently has all sorts of religious and philosophical importance and may be a huge key to understanding the show. [PowellsBook.Blog]

• Remember how Daniel Faraday couldn’t remember meeting Desmond at the end of “The Constant”? That could be the case because his present consciousness had not been linked with his past consciousness, but perhaps a major event (like an island disappearing) will make his mind shift in time. Or something like that. [Magic Lamp]

• Doc Jensen weighs in with his first big theory of 2009, which concerns the “ghosts” of Charlie and Claire, who brought warnings that Jack should not raise Aaron, and that Kate shouldn’t bring him back to the island. But maybe they weren’t talking about Aaron at all. Rather, Jensen thinks these may have been warning not to resurrect a certain dead character. You know, like one who might have been spotted in a coffin. [EW]

• Has the island become unstuck in time? If so, then it might constantly shift time periods as though it has some sort of consciousness that can only be stabilized by a constant. (Is that why Jacob’s cabin moves around so much?) And maybe that constant is the Oceanic Six. [EYE M SICK]

• Forget the science; Lost is all about the supernatural. With a distinct consciousness, the island is — what else? — the mind of God. Yeah, we’re not going to read into this one too much. [Lost Blog/Film Fodder]

• And if you’re tired of theories and just want some good, solid spoilers, there’s plenty of info on who will and won’t be in this season, in addition to some minor plot developments. Or you could just suck it up and wait to watch the premiere tomorrow. [TV Squad]