So tells Fucked In A Toilet Paper Fort, an erotic thriller by H. G. Jones. The author writes with aplomb, building tension not just from the virus outbreak but also from the chemistry between the two men hooking up. The result is a seven-page butt-clencher. Jones is a self-described, “award-winning” erotic novelist from Australia, best known for his Parliamentary Desires series. Writing on apparently short notice, his latest book only contains a single typo. Despite using the toilet paper crisis as wank fodder, the author approaches the issue tastefully. The coronavirus outbreak has been replaced by “a wild, vampire virus” spreading from Transylvania. There’s no mention of Wuhan, China or Asia in general. We love a woke, erotic king who doesn’t pander to problematic tropes.

On page 1, we’re gifted with Sebastian’s internal monologue: “My heart raced as I thought about the velvety smooth tissues of lightly scented 4 ply paper gliding smoothly over my own asshole.” It seems the erotica has already started before we even meet the love interest.

“I couldn’t bare the thought of resorting to only 2 ply paper, or worse; 1 ply. My asshole was a princess in a former life, and only the best would do.”

READ MORE Boomers Are Heaping Toilet Paper Stocks Into Their Trolleys This AM & The Footage Is Nuts

Art holds a mirror up to society. Writers like Jones are essential for accurately portraying the Australian nation during times of crisis such as this. In Fucked In A Toilet Paper Fort In Woolies, Jones rises to the occasion when no other author has. His poignant prose paints a rich tapestry of how every Woolies toilet paper aisle looks at the moment, and with it, the broken dreams of doomsday-prepping boomers.

“I was standing around empty, dented, collapsing shelves were dozens of other crestfallen shoppers. There was no toilet paper. Not today, maybe not ever again.”

We are now introduced to the love interest, a strapping Woolies staff member whose muscles bulge out of his green, collared shirt.

“He whistled slightly as he walked past me, making brief eye contact, and walking around the corner. I was stunned, I’d never seen a man so handsome before. […] His green uniform clung to his muscular body, and rippled across his abs as he walked. His eyes were sapphire blue, and as I looked into them for the briefest moment, I thought I could hear angels singing, but it was only his keys jangling on his belt.”

“Suddenly, I no longer cared about toilet paper, all I wanted was the Woolies attendant. Lust gathered in my groin, and I felt my dick hardening slightly in my pants.”

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Our protagonist’s romantic daydreaming is cut short by the screeches of other shoppers. A vampire has infiltrated the supermarket, blocking the entrance and trapping shoppers within. The strapping young Woolies lad returns to our protagonist’s aid, whisking him away to the relative safety of the loading dock.

“His grip was firm, as I expected it to be, and he smelled of ocean waves. I longed to drown in his testosterone. As I rose to my feet, he wrapped a strong arm around my waist.”

Judging from his writing, Jones has probably worked in a supermarket before. Or perhaps he embedded himself among the men and women who stack shelves as part of his research process. Either way, his descriptions of the storerooms are accurate enough to evoke vivid memories for anyone who’s worked at a Coles or Woolies. “The realm beyond the black doors was vast, and filled with stock, more than I expected. Pallets of groceries and essentials towered above us, almost to the roof.”

The hero/love interest, whose name we don’t even know yet, ushers our protagonist to his hideout – a towing castle made of toilet paper roles. It is perhaps this passage, most of all, which will have boomers sharting themselves out of horror.

“Individual rolls of toilet paper had been used to construct a magnificent castle, high on the loading dock, where it could look out across the warehouse for any incoming vampires. Turrets rose high into the air, like a castle built for royals. I felt as though I could weep, standing there in the presence of architectural mastery. […] I could smell the light, floral fragrance, and knew that it was made of 4 ply paper.”

READ MORE The NT News Has Literally Published An Emergency Toilet Paper Liftout In Today's Newspaper

We now learn the staff member’s name: Victor. “Without another word, Victor leaned over, and kissed me hard on the mouth. His tender, moist lips pressed into my own, and I felt ready to float on air.” The passage then gets significantly more graphic.

“My hand moved across his chest, and without thinking, I began to unbutton the green Woolies shirt he was wearing.”

Jones’ writing masterfully straddles the line between eroticism and anatomical accuracy. Every verb and adjective feels as if it were specifically designed for the sentences he weaves. His deliberate misuse of certain words serves only to further the image of Sebastian and Victor’s raw intimacy. To put it bluntly, this author fucks. Tensions escalates quickly, and before we know it, Sebastian and Victor are “inhaling” each other’s dicks.

“[Victor’s dick was] at least 10 inches long, and girthy as well. It would be an easy task for him to destroy me sexually, in the toilet paper fort. […] I needed to impress the Woolies attendant in my mouth, and was desperate to make him my own.”

READ MORE Here Are The Best Memes From The Great Australian Toilet Paper War of 2020

As the two progress to anal sex, the author portrays penetration as a microcosm of their refuge from the wicked vampire virus. With every “assault of [Sebastian’s] sphincter,” Victor is retreating into his own “warm fortress inside my butt.” We’re reminded that the premise is more than just a topical segue in this erotic novel.

After they both cum – simultaneously – the Woolies team member Victor thanks Sebastian. He replies that it was the least he could do as, after all, Victor had saved him from a vampire. With a dark flash of his sapphire eyes, Victor let’s it slip that he didn’t actually save Sebastian from anything.

“It was then I knew, instantly… The toilet paper had been a lie.”

‘Fucked In A Toilet Paper Fort In Woolies’ is available online in all major eBook formats.