Bentonville, Arizona, November 15, 2005

Special to The Raving Atheist

Facing a boycott launched by the Catholic League, Wal-Mart has retracted a series of malicious falsehood it had recently begun spreading regarding the origins of Christmas holiday traditions.

The controversy ignited after the giant retailer received a complaint that it had replaced “Merry Christmas” with “Happy Holidays” as its official seasonal greeting. In response, a Wal-Mart customer service representative sent an e-mail asserting that the Christmas celebration was “an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberian shamanism.” The employee also stated that “christmas’ red and white are actually a representation of of the aminita mascera mushroom . . . Santa is also borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal.”

According to Catholic League President William Donohue, Wal-Mart later issued an apology and “withdrew its insane statement regarding the origins of Christmas.” In a press release issued yesterday, Wal-Mart assured its shoppers that “Jesus was born under a snow-covered pine tree in Bethlehem, surrounded by presents wrapped in red and white paper, and greeted by chants of ‘Merry Christmas’ from Santa and his elves.” Wal-Mart further urged its customers to continue their orgy of consumerist gluttony in commemoration of the infant savior, hinting that they could find a great deal on Cardinal’s Professional Texas Hold’em Poker Set in Aisle five.