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This is the trap Nintendo sets for us, which brings us to the "surely too adorable to be infuriating" Mario Kart games. Like Mario Party the game is competitive, not cooperative -- which is always bad news for any couple if either or both partners are assholes, and since about 90% of people turn into assholes when playing video games, maybe couples should just avoid the game altogether.



This couple is smiling because those controllers aren't actually hooked up to anything.

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And like Mario Party, the game often rewards you for 1) random chance and 2) screwing over your beloved -- it is, after all, nothing but a go-cart racing game where you can throw shit at other players and ruin the race for them. If you still think this sounds like a fun date night with your honey, there's probably no helping you, but as a last resort, I will tell you about the blue shell.

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Imagine you're running the perfect race. You've nailed every turn, you've pulled ahead of the crowd, you can see the finish line edging up over the brightly colored horizon. Suddenly, with no warning, a blue blur comes and wrecks your shit.

The blue shell is a homing missile you can throw that automatically locks on to the first-place racer and takes them out, as well as anyone unlucky enough to be in its path. It is pretty much undodgeable without using a rare item, and is therefore, in technical terms, "a fucking cheap tactic."

Like I mentioned with Mario Party, there is nothing a gamer hates more than the game being "cheap," except another player being "cheap," and when the other player is your honeymuffin, this is bad news.