It could have been an apron with chest hair or breasts on.

Wasn't.

Might have been an apron with some annoyingly witty saying that could only be worn when there was no guest in the house.

Nope.

Some aprons aren't very useful, and they don't keep the grease off of one's best sweaters.

No problems with this apron!

It fits well, has an attractive pattern, and is both coated (for fewer stains) and completely washable. Yay! Best apron I've had in many years.

Many thanks, Santa!