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Thumb wars, liquor gravity, a terrifying mob of 20-year-old men, Team Snapchat, a Duck Tales revenge fantasy, the 200-pound hangover, a day in the life, goofy chip flavors, Denzel’s movie, Asterios’ shame, an open letter to your family this Thanksgiving, new t-shirts, a listener boxing match, I get slipped a Mickey, Sean’s two dollar bills y’all, and ONE MILLION DOWNLOADS; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Check out the Dick Show Shop–or the Dick Show Shoppe if you’re nasty, for some hot, new T-shirts and stickers. Send me a pic if you get something. I put them all up in the store like the trophies of a big game hunter.

This episode begins at a milestone as The Dick Show passes ONE MILLION DOWNLOADS! I discover this turgid triumph only moments before the show taped, so I didn’t have time to write a proper speech. I hope the one I attempt to stomp through carrying a 200-pound hangover will do this Death Cross justice. To all the men and women I describe in this episode, it’s all for you. Thank you for listening. I love Hispanics!

The Dick Show passes ONE MILLION DOWNLOADS!!! AMAZING! Thank you for listening. I love you all! Bonus Ep 5 out today https://t.co/i2JptfuBE7 pic.twitter.com/pXdoF9BscS — Dick Masterson (@dickmasterson) November 21, 2016

“Speaking of people I love, how about Team Snapchat?” said no person ever. Team Snapchat can fuck off forever into an oblivion of dicks with their annoying holiday messages. The only thing I want from Team Snapchat is an apology for all the times they’ve made me think I was about to be looking at some boobs, but instead saw some stupid vector animation of a giggling fox and a fucked elephant–that I had to look at even though I didn’t want to or else the notification number would never go off the fucking app. I want to get a “Season’s Greetings” message from Team Snapchat about as much as I want a dick pic from my dad. Team Snapchat is the anti-Tyler Durden. Instead of sticking porn in your soulless, saccharine Hallmark movies, they stick soulless, saccharine Hallmark movies in your porn. Well done, Team Snapchat. You’re why the Japanese invented Seppuku. Now you just have to use it.

Speaking of wanting to kill yourself, it’s Thanksgiving and that means most of us will be spending the week around our families. To celebrate, Jordan sends in open letter to your family full of sick burns you can use just in case your Thanksgiving dinner takes a break from talking about Trump for two seconds. Enjoy!

Asterios calls in next to concede a bet and also to tell us what makes him a rage: Chik-fil-A being closed on Sunday. Dustin calls in with news about a listener fight brewing between Maxwell “The Silver Hammer” Kimball and David Clegg in Washington DC in an event they’re calling “Capital Punishment”. But is it hot air or hot goss? I guess we’ll see next week when and if Clegg calls in with a response. I don’t know about you, but the suspense is really make me want to buy a T-shirt.

Finally, Denzel makes good on a months old boast, claiming he could write a better movie than the Hangover 2 and 3. He might be a little late, but the page count is there and my eye balls are ready. Whether it’s good or not–or at least better than the Hangover 2 and 3, that’s a contest for another day. I’ll be bringing in high-powered Hollywood hot shot Randy to give notes on Denzel’s script and probably pitch his Hollywood Patreon.

Closing remix by Todd Seidel.



Handsome thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.



See you next Tuesday…for the Rage Lottery!

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