Happy Easter everybody! I hope you’re all finding those eggs, petting cute bunnies, and generally enjoying chocolate and cheer. If anyone isn’t busy, could we meet up so you can explain to me why Jesus doesn’t want any eggs lying around when he rises? Really confused about that part of the Bible. Not to mention the bunnies. I hope one of these days somebody pulls a lost chapter of the Bible out of a cave ala the Dead Sea Scrolls to reveal Jesus’ bunny cousin.

Listen to the latest episode of our weekly movies podcast, Adventures in Movies!

While we wait for that extra chapter to be revealed, here are my top 10 bunnies to be wary of this Easter. If you’re not familiar with these dangers this might just save your life.

Honorable Mention:

Bugs Bunny in Drag



Turning little kids on since 1940.

Danger Factor: 2

Sarcasm kills folks. It’s a fact. This site even claims it can kill a marriage, so we’re talking death on multiple levels. Generally it implies a strong cutting remark and Bugs was the master. He sure was a real dick about it too. Mix that in with Bugs in drag… little kids are going to get confused.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with dressing in drag, but a bunny in drag with omega level sarcasm is something people should be wary of on this religious holiday.

10. Donnie Darko Bunny aka Frank.

Danger Factor: 3





If you’ve seen Donnie Darko you’ll know Frank isn’t so much dangerous as creepy, but if my uncle Jack knows from experience, a good shock scare can really jigger the heart. Sorry Jack…for everything. Case in point, if you were to walk into your bedroom, flip on the light and see this,

yeah lights out. You’re heart will stop and you will die.

Danger Factor if you have a precluding heart condition: 10

9. Harvey





Danger Factor: 4

James Stewart is best buds with a giant rabbit. No he’s not crazy thank you very much it’s just that the rabbit is invisible. Sure this rabbit, if he really is real, has humanity’s best interest at heart, but can anyone really trust an invisible human sized rabbit? Anyone who has seen Hollow Man knows being invisible makes you crazy. Harvey came out in 1950. That has given him 62 years to grow deranged enough to hit every big red button across the globe. Fear Harvey.

8. Bondage Smorkin’ Labbit



Replace the gimp in Pulp Fiction with this guy and I swear you could get a PG-13.

Danger Factor: 5

Much like Bugs in drag, there’s nothing wrong with bondage, or bunnies in bondage for that matter, but it’s a dangerous hobby. One rusty zipper, a locked door and a Mexican hooker and you’re starving in a corporate blimp with only one source of food. Mexican. This bunny came from the mind of artist Frank Kozik X Kidrobot.

This bunny isn’t teaching very good behavior. Not to mention the cigarettes.



For the love of God think of the children!

7. Playboy Bunnies



Sex kills. Especially with a heart condition.

Danger Factor: 6

Sure they look hot, but if you take into account the bacteria to body fat ratio these girls carry and you’ll be wishing for handy wipes.



Sexy bunnies are dangerous.

They will spend your money, annoy the hell out of you and generally make women look like dumb hookers. Not to mention they raise dogs that aren’t house trained. That’s a lot of bacteria floating around the house. Sex party at the Playboy Mansion? No thanks.

Monetary Danger Factor: 10

6. Jessica Rabbit from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”



Va-va voom or va-va death?

Danger Factor: 6

Spoiler alert. This bitch almost got Roger killed. Any woman that manipulates a man with her body is dangerous. Sure, in the end she was vindicated, but a sultry lady like that just can’t be trusted. Now she may just be a rabbit by marriage, but even if she’s not a rabbit by blood you must watch out for this tramp.

5. The Book of Bunny Suicides Bunny



We’d be better off if all bunnies toasted themselves.

Danger Factor: 7

If children live by example this bunny is very much dangerous to the good people and its children.

4. Were Rabbit – Wallace and Gromit





He may be a claymation character from Wallace and Gromit, but don’t let that fury body fool you.

Danger Factor: 2

Misunderstood, vegetarian and cuddly looking, the Were Rabbit is a dangerous beast for a few different reasons, not least of which he’s humongous. But the real danger? This bastard is trying to replace the best part of Easter, the chocolatey goodness, with vegetables! Strictly un-American.

Danger Factor to the wellness of childhood: 10

3. Watership Down Bunnies



This poster brings me down man.

Danger Factor: 8

Unfamiliar with the famous book and animated film?

Exhibit A:

No those bunnies aren’t wrestling or even having sex. No those bunnies are killing each other.

Exhibit B:

Bunnies just aren’t the same after watching this film.

2. Rabbit of Caerbannog from Monty Python & The Holy Grail



They look cute next to skulls too!

Danger Factor: 9

Dangerous for a variety of reasons and I’d wager the largest danger is how cute the bastard is. He can rip throats like no other, but to maintain that level of cuteness? That’s just manipulation! One of the characters for good reason says he is, “The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.”

Just image a furry ball flying at your face. Then darkness.

1. Regular, Everyday Rabbits.



Now that’s good eating…if you want a disease!

Danger Factor: 10

Yes that’s right, regular ordinary rabbits are the most dangerous bunny to be wary of not least of which because they are real. For one, wild rabbits are frequently infected with tularemia , which is dangerous to humans.

Symptoms Include:

Chills

Eye irritation ( conjunctivitis — if the infection began in the eye)

Fever, Shortness of breath

Headache, Sweating

Joint stiffness

Muscle pains

Red spot on the skin, growing to become a sore (ulcer)

I believe they look like this when they are infected:

Rabbits of every country are known to overrun any habitat they enter severely harming the ecosystem and killing animals due to starvation. This hopping plague has trampled much of the world, including one of the most happy places on Earth, Hawaii. That’s right, rabbits have personally attempted to destroy the number one destination for people to enjoy their second day of marriage. The number one honeymoon destination, it affects the sanctimony of marriage, otherwise known as God’s single most favorite thing outside of Jesus.

In Australia rabbits are partly blamed for killing off more than 10 percent of the mammal species. They tear up farms, ruin soil, and because they can multiply at will they end up feeding feral cats and foxes furthering the population of dangerous animals. Thanks a lot bunnies, even when you’re dead you’re making life harder on us humans.

And yet, we still give these furry rats a whole weekend of praise. I’m all for a good reason to party, but maybe we should praise something a little less dangerous.



Happy Easter!