“Posh” (stuckupius snobbis) AKA-Preps: This is one group at the top of the food chain. It’s a good thing too. With the amount of gossip, backstabbing, lying and cheating, they would never be able to survive if another species preyed on them. Often times, seen in polo shirts or Abercrombie & Fitch jeans, they will be seen walking together, pretending to be friends. Most of the time, the females will be on their cellular phones talking about who she hates and how that one girl is ugly and a home-wrecker. The males are usually bro-fisting with one hand while having their other arm around the waist of their female. Habitats: American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister

“Geeks” (doofius zittius):This type of mall goer is somewhat rare due to the fact that they often do not leave their lair called “Mom’s Basement”. Although they are generally anti-social, they sometimes mass together for rituals called “LAN Parties”, and “Gaming Tournaments”. The males and females of the group usually do not intermingle due to the their awkward nature around the other sex (unless they are together at the before mentioned rituals). Both sexes often have facial scarring called “Acne” and wear T-shirts of their favorite heavy metal bands. Habitats: Game Stop

“Goths” (darkus paleo): This dark species are especially known for their dark hair and pale skin. Many even choose to act as a sub-species called “Vampires”. Sometimes, it is hard to tell they are human at all with the makeup and dark garb. Dressed in extremely large pants and grungy T-Shirts, their clothes sometimes envelope their entire body. Their hobbies are scaring others and being different. Habitat: Hot Topic, Spencers

“Emos” (darkus annoyingnus): This cousin of the Goth species are very similar in their dark attire and abysmal nature. However, these emotional wrecks take it to the next level. Always complaining about life, they sit around in small groups, acting miserable and looking at the other humans with contempt. This species too, are sometimes difficult to see the humanity in. The amount of metal hanging from their faces along with the black andredmakeup, makes one second guess themselves. Habitat: Hot Topic, Claires (Only on the rare happy days)

“Scene” (darkus wannabes): The 2nd cousin of the Goth species can sometimes be more annoying than the Emo cousin. This species does not have similar behavior, as seen in their happy and bubbly attitudes. It is as if these were Posh rejects, that wanted to fit in somewhere. Many employees, of the popular Hot Topic, are Scene (Goths and Emos would not do well in a customer service setting). Scene kids will often dress like their Emo and Goth cousins while at the same time running through out the mall, laughing and holding hands. Habitat: Hot Topic, Outside of the Posh habitat (wishing they could come in)

“Skaters” (rebelus stupid):Sporting torn jeans, wide shoes and shaggy hair, this species of human are rebels from authority. If someone tells them no, they do it anyway. They often have an eclectic tatse in music and a low tolerance for pain. Some will ride skateboards while others distract the cops. The females of this variety usually do not ride, but instead choose to hangout and makeout. Habitat: PacSun, Journeys, Fishbone, The mall parking lot

“Pot Heads” (brainus deadus) AKA Stoners: Pot Heads, the most docile of all the species, spend their time sitting. They could be sitting on curbs, benches or on each other (Without realizing it). When they are done sitting, they can often be spotted in the food court or next to vending machines, eating as if they have not eaten in weeks. You will no when a Stoner is near by from either the smell of marijuana, or the sight of smoke coming from a bathroom stall. Habitat: Spencers, Mall benches, Food Court, Bathroom stalls

“Gangstas” (badass mofos): This is a very peculiar species. They will often be seen wearing very baggy clothes, but at the same time do not allow these clothes to cover their body completely. Most of the time, they choose to expose their buttocks and stomach. They often travel in large groups (or posses) and make it difficult for anyone else to travel through the mall. When not walking around, you can sometimes see them shouting obscenities or making passes at the Posh females (This usually makes the Gangsta females jealous). Habitat: Foot Locker, Mall walking paths, Any place that sells fitted baseball caps

“Old People” (slowus confussiones): This type of human is usually a gradual transformation from any one of the other kinds. Due to the age, their skin is often wrinkly, their eyes have gone bad (though this does not stop them from operating a vehicle), and their only response to something communicated to them is “What did you say?”. Like the Gangstas, they take their time while walking up and down the pathways, blocking everyone else. Some different forms of older people are: Cute couples, Dirty old men, Golden Girls, and Grumpy kid haters. Habitat: Hallmark, Various trinket vendors, CVS

“Cougars” (nonsexines saggus): Again, another gradual transformation, but only for females.Middle aged and starving for sexual attention, these women scour the mall, for fresh meat to ravage in bed. Most of the time, these females do not want to let go of their youth and therefore deny the fact that their breasts have been commandeered by gravity. Young males should beware of these vicious beasts. Habitat: Any place young males are

“Sluts” (skankius openus):This species consists of mostly females. These scandelous ladies make it a point to dress provocatively and intend to steal your boyfriend. Many times, they are orally fixated on Lollipops or gum, turning the heads of any hormonally saturated male. Habitat: Victoria’s Secret, Bath and Body stores (surprisingly)

“Children Doters” (tirednes strolleriens): Being very family oriented, this type of human is often seen carrying children in their arms, rolling them along in strollers, or dragging them by the arms while ignoring the screams for a toy. Many times, this species angers the others because their bulky strollers or their annoying children, ruin the shopping experience for the rest. However, no one will ever say anything to them about the problem, lest they feel the wrath of the jaded parent. Habitat: Osh Kosh Bgosh, The Gap, Lane Bryant, KB Toys

“Average” (commonus sapiens): Finally, this species is the most common of all. It is the average shopper. Though boring, nothing particulary annoying stands out about these people. They are just around for some good deals. Habitat: Anywhere