Private White the Hellhound Part IV

Posted September 22, 2010

Part IV

When the group finally began arriving at our new barracks, many of their ankles and heels were blistering from running in the new boots. Private White’s massive hinkles were not blistering however, as his ankles were obviously made of steel kegs. Its not often they issue a soldier a uniform where the top and bottom are different sizes. White wore a large top and a Triple-XL bottom. He looked like a midget sitting on a barrel. This was probably the reason that he was almost the last person to drag his fat ass into the barracks. I say “almost” because when White was arriving, thanks to him I was still a mile behind in the push-up position in the middle of the fucking road. I was burnt out. Unable to flex a muscle, I was frozen in place, leaning against the road with sweat pouring into a puddle beneath my face. Lucky for me, the exploding pain in my forearms numbed my hands from the pain of odd bits of gravel jabbed into my palms.

Unable to force me into anymore pushups, one drill sergeant resorted to a more creative form of harassment. I certainly don’t hate drill sergeants. I’m willing to bet that the majority are good people who obviously put in looong days dedicated to making soldiers better soldiers. So please don’t stereotype all drill sergeants based on the following story of one individual dipshit drill sergeant.

I can’t remember his name, probably because I never saw his name patch, but for the story’s sake I’ll call him Dickweed. Drill Sergeant Dickweed had just left the mess hall near the reception barracks with three vanilla ice cream bars- the kind with the thin shell of chocolate on the outside. When he saw the commotion in the street, he saw an opportunity to act out a funny scenario that had come to mind when he first found the ice cream bars in the cafeteria. This lead to one of the most memorable moments my Army experience has ever gifted me, reassuring me that Drill Sergeant Dickweed was no doubt a serious dickweed.

“Hey Private,” he said in a calm and evil voice. “If you can’t do anymore pushups, I’ve got something better for ya.” Uh oh! I could tell Mr. Dickweed was about to wear my ass out. I could feel the pain before it happened. I was scared of what he could do to the parts of my body that weren’t already destroyed by pushups. What torture was this demon asshole going to put me through? I was genuinely scared. And then I heard this, “Every time I take a bite of an ice cream bar, I want you to say mmm mmm good.” Really?! I mean REALLY?! Even the other three drill sergeants looked at him like he was queer. But of course, I agreed and he proceeded to nibble like a damn baby on bar number one to prolong my supposed embarassment.

“mmm mmm good”

“Thats mmm mmm good DRILL SERGEANT to YOU private!!!” he yelled sardonically.

“mmm mmm good drill sergeant…mmm mmm good drill sergeant…mmm mmm good drill sergeant……..” Must’ve said that 100 times. This guy had me in the push up position saying mmm mmm good and he was damn proud that the other drill sergeants were laughing at me. Except, I’m pretty sure they were laughing at his lame ass. I laughed in my head, but acted embarrassed to satisfy this man’s evil desire to make me his bitch. Unfortunately for him, the hot Kentucky sun got to his ice cream bars and the asshole had melted chocolate streaming down his chin. A little disgusted, the other “more sophisticated” drill sergeants grew bored and turned away engaging in some meaningless conversation, probably about how much it sucks to live in the middle of nowhere. After about ten minutes, sloppy face Dickweed was done and sent me sprinting down the road so I could finally rejoin my new platoon in the Delta Company barracks.

Though I was bored the rest of the afternoon while filling out paperwork and inventorying my worn and dated gear, at least I got to rest a bit and reflect on my experience with sloppy face Dickweed. But every so often I caught a glimpse of Private White giving me a sinister stare, like some sort of hellhound determined to intimidate me with is fat dome head and show how pleased he was that he thought he had got the best of me. But seriously, the best was yet to come.

Stay tuned for more stories, including the introduction of prettylicious loverboy Private Kayalfabet!