And they did laugh. Mostly because giving up my sex life seemed uncharacteristic but also because they were familiar with the term incel, involuntary celibate, which is used by overwhelmingly alt-Right, Reddit-banned men who hate women because they can’t get laid. But as I reflected on my choices, and, you know, read the news, my interest in being voluntary celibate stopped being a joke to me. Instead, it started to reflect my growing discomfort with sex positivity and my overwhelming disgust with male behaviour laid bare in our post-Weinstein world. Could being volcel be a path to enlightenment in a time where heterosexual interactions in the media appeared to be endlessly marred by patriarchal power dynamics? You see, I grew up on Sex and the City, I bodysurfed the third wave into my teens and always believed sleeping around was empowering. I could totally be a Samantha. I thought hetero sex was an equal playing field and I could objectify men just as well as they objectified me. But being a Samantha became increasingly difficult. I found myself on dates with guys I didn’t even like just to put myself out there. I started seeing dating apps as games and tools, forgetting that they have real human people inside them. I even started blaming myself for becoming emotionally involved with men with whom I had “no strings attached” arrangements.

Now, I think that if a woman is truly empowered and happy engaging in casual sex that is so chill. Great, even. I just wasn’t either of these things and I no longer wanted to convince myself that casual sex was what I wanted. So I went full volcel and I started suggesting to my friends that voluntary celibacy offers a radical and excellent alternative to the hyper-objectifying state of modern dating. I was a self-proclaimed Living Monk espousing the benefits of reliquinsing all desires to focus on the here and now, man. This began with deleting every dating app on my phone, a total pleasure. Then I shifted my game plans for big nights out. I didn’t flirt or pursue anyone, I was upfront with any guys who approached me, and I also held back from drinking. That became really important. Instead I focused on having fun by myself and spent quality time with friends. I no longer had crazy stories of weird dates and I became a listener at brunch. I felt more connected to myself and the people around. I soon found that being volcel was too easy. A weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I realised that sexual liberation handed down from the Sex and the City third wave didn’t have to be the norm. I think sex for me is something that should be negotiated earnestly, with mutual care and compassion. I don’t want to feel ashamed for developing feelings or caring about the person with whom I am intimate. And I wonder why, instead of empowering women to become more like men, why don’t we empower men to become more like women? They can, you know, develop a sense of empathy, start seeing women as human beings instead of conquests. When will men start boasting that they can empathise with women as well as we empathise with them?